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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:16 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:16 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14348-0.txt b/14348-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbe5bee --- /dev/null +++ b/14348-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9888 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14348 *** + +MA PETTENGILL + +by + +HARRY LEON WILSON + +Author of _Bunker Bean_, _Ruggles of Red Gap_, _Somewhere in Red Gap_, +etc. + +1919 + + + + + + + +TO WILLIAM EUGENE LEWIS + + + + +CONTENTS + + I. MA PETTENGILL AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM + + II. A LOVE STORY + + III. RED GAP AND THE BIG-LEAGUE STUFF + + IV. VENDETTA + + V. ONE ARROWHEAD DAY + + VI. THE PORCH WREN + + VII. CHANGE OF VENUS + + VIII. CAN HAPPEN! + + IX. THE TAKER-UP + + X. AS TO HERMAN WAGNER + + XI. CURLS + + + + + +I + +MA PETTENGILL AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM + + +From the Arrowhead corrals I strolled up the poplar-bordered lane that +leads past the bunk house to the castle of the ranch's chatelaine. It +was a still Sunday afternoon--the placid interlude, on a day of rest, +between the chores of the morning and those of evening. But the calm was +for the ear alone. To the eye certain activities, silent but swift, were +under way. On the shaded side piazza of the ranch house I could discern +my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill; she sat erect, even in a +rocking-chair, and knitted. On the kitchen steps, full in the westering +sun, sat the Chinese chef of the Arrowhead, and knitted--a yellow, +smoothly running automaton. On a shaded bench by the spring house, a +plaid golfing cap pushed back from one-half the amazing area of his bare +pate, sat the aged chore-boy, Boogles, and knitted. The ranch was on a +war basis. + +And more: As I came abreast of the bunk house the Sabbath calm was +punctured by the tart and careless speech of Sandy Sawtelle, a top rider +of the Arrowhead, for he, too, was knitting, or had been. On a stool +outside the doorway he held up an unfinished thing before his grieved +eyes and devoutly wished it in the place of punishment of the wicked +dead. The sincere passion of his tones not only arrested my steps but +lured through the open doorway the languorous and yawning Buck Devine, +who hung over the worker with disrespectful attention. I joined the pair. +To Buck's query, voiced in a key of feigned mirth, Sandy said with simple +dignity that it was going to be a darned good sweater for the boys in the +trenches. Mr. Devine offered to bet his head that it wasn't going to be +anything at all--at least nothing any one would want round a trench. Mr. +Sawtelle ignored the wager and asked me if I knew how to do this here, +now, casting off. I did not. + +"I better sneak round and ask the Chink," said Sandy. "He's the star +knitter on the place." + +We walked on together, seemingly deaf to certain laboured pleasantries of +Mr. Devine concerning a red-headed cow-puncher that had got rejected for +fighting because his feet was flat and would now most likely get rejected +for knitting because his head was flat. By way of covering the hearty +laughter of Mr. Devine at his own wit I asked why Sandy should not +consult his employer rather than her cook. + +With his ball of brown wool, his needles and his work carried tenderly +before him Sandy explained, with some embarrassment as it seemed, that +the madam was a good knitter, all right, all right, but she was an awful +bitter-spoken lady when any little thing about the place didn't go just +right, making a mountain out of a mole hill, and crying over spilt milk, +and always coming back to the same old subject, and so forth, till you'd +think she couldn't talk about anything else, and had one foot in the +poorhouse, and couldn't take a joke, and all like that. I could believe +it or not, but that was the simple facts of the matter when all was said +and done. And the Chink was only too glad to show off how smart he was +with a pair of needles. + +This not only explained nothing but suggested that there might indeed be +something to explain. And it was Sandy's employer after all who resolved +his woolen difficulty. She called to him as he would have left me for the +path to the kitchen door: + +"You bring that right here!" + +It was the tone of one born to command, and once was enough. Sandy +brought it right there, though going rather too much like a martyr to +the stake, I thought; for surely it was not shameful that he should prove +inept in the new craft. + +Nor was there aught but genial kindness in the lady's reception of him. +Ma Pettengill, arrayed in Sabbath bravery of apparel, as of a debutante +at a summer hotel where the rates are exorbitant, instantly laid by her +own knitting and questioned him soothingly. It seemed to be a simple +difficulty. Sandy had reached the point where a sweater must have a neck, +and had forgotten his instructions. Cordially the woman aided him to +subtract fourteen from two hundred and sixty-two and then to ascertain +that one hundred and twenty-four would be precisely half of the +remainder. It was all being done, as I have remarked, with the gentlest +considering kindness, with no hint of that bitterness which the neophyte +had shown himself to be fearing in the lady. Was she not kindness itself? +Was she not, in truth, just a shade too kind? Surely there was a purr +to her voice, odd, unwonted; and surely her pupil already cringed under +a lash that impended. + +Yet this visible strain, it seemed, had not to do with knitted garments. +Ma Pettengill praised the knitting of Sandy; praised it to me and praised +it to him. Of course her remark that he seemed to be a born knitter and +ought to devote his whole time to it might have seemed invidious to a +sensitive cowman, yet it was uttered with flawless geniality. But when +Sandy, being set right, would have taken his work and retired, as was +plainly his eager wish, his mentor said she would knit two of the new +short rows herself, just to make sure. And while she knitted these two +rows she talked. She knitted them quickly, though the time must have +seemed to Sandy much longer than it was. + +"Here stands the greatest original humorist in Kulanche County," said +the lady, with no longer a purring note in her voice. She boomed the +announcement. Sandy, drooping above her, painfully wore the affectation +of counting each stitch of the flashing needles. "And practical jokes--my +sakes alive! He can think of the funniest jokes to put up on poor, +unsuspecting people! Yes, sir; got a genius for it. And witty! Of +course it ain't just what he says that's so funny--it's the noisy way +he says it. + +"And you wouldn't think it to look at him, but he's one of these here +financial magnets, too. Oh, yes, indeed! Send him out with a hatful of +ten-dollar bills any day and he won't let one of 'em go for a cent under +six dollars, not if buyers is plenty--he's just that keen and avaricious. +That's his way. Never trained for it, either; just took it up natural." + +With drawn and ashen face Mr. Sawtelle received back his knitting. His +pose was to appear vastly preoccupied and deaf to insult. He was still +counting stitches as he turned away and clattered down the steps. + +"Say!" called his employer. Sandy turned. + +"Yes, ma'am!" + +"You seen the party that stopped here this morning in that big, pompous +touring car?" + +"No, ma'am!" + +"They was after mules." + +"Yes, ma'am!" + +"They offered me five hundred dollars a span for mine." + +"No, ma'am--I mean, yes, ma'am!" + +"That's all. I thought you'd rejoice to know it." The lady turned to me +as if Mr. Sawtelle had left us. "Yes, sir; he'd make you die laughing +with some of his pranks, that madcap would. I tell you, when he begins +cutting up--" + +But Mr. Sawtelle was leaving us rapidly. His figure seemed to be drawn +in, as if he would appear smaller to us. Ma Pettengill seized her own +knitting once more, stared grimly at it, then stared grimly down at the +bunk house, within which her victim had vanished. A moment later she was +pouring tobacco from a cloth sack into a brown cigarette paper. She drew +the string of the sack--one end between her teeth--rolled the cigarette +with one swift motion and, as she waited the blaze of her match, remarked +that they had found a substitute for everything but the mule. The +cigarette lighted, she burned at least a third of its length in one vast +inhalation, which presently caused twin jets of smoke to issue from the +rather widely separated corners of a generous mouth. Upon which she +remarked that old Safety First Timmins was a game winner, about the +gamest winner she'd ever lost to. + +Three other mighty inhalations and the cigarette was done. Again she took +up the knitting, pausing for but one brief speech before the needles +began their shrewd play. This concerned the whale. She said the whale +was the noblest beast left to us in all the animal kingdom and would +vanish like the buffalo if treated as food. She said it was shameful to +reduce this majestic creature of the deep to the dimensions of a chafing +dish and a three-cornered slice of toast. Then she knitted. + +She had left numerous openings; some humorous emprise of Sandy Sawtelle, +presumably distressing; the gameness of one Timmins as a winner; the +whale as a food animal; the spectacular price of mules broken to harness. +Rather than choose blindly among them I spoke of my day's fishing. +Departing at sunrise I had come in with a bounteous burden of rainbow +trout, which I now said would prove no mean substitute for meat at the +evening meal. + +Then, as she grimly knitted, Ma Pettengill discoursed of other boasted +substitutes for meat, none of which pleased her. Hogs and sheep were +other substitutes, there being but one genuine meat, to wit, Beef. Take +hogs; mean, unsociable animals, each hog going off by himself, cursing +and swearing every step of the way. Had I ever seen a hog that thought +any other hog was good enough to associate with him? No, I hadn't; nor +nobody else. A good thing hogs couldn't know their present price. Stuck +up enough already! And sheep? Silly. No minds of their own. Let one die +and all the rest think they got to die also. Do it too. No brain. Of +course the price tempted a lot of moral defectives to raise 'em, but when +you reflected that you had to go afoot, with a dog that was smarter than +any man at it, and a flea-bitten burro for your mess wagon---not for her. +Give her a business where you could set on a horse. Yes, sir; people +would get back to Nature and raise beef after the world had been made +safe once more for a healthy appetite. This here craze for substitutes +would die out. You couldn't tell her there was any great future for the +canned jack-rabbit business, for instance--just a fad; and whales the +same. She knew and I knew that a whale was too big to eat. People +couldn't get any real feeling for it, and not a chance on earth to breed +'em up and improve the flesh. Wasn't that the truth? And these here diet +experts, with their everlasting talk about carbos and hydrates, were they +doing a thing but simply taking all the romance out of food? No, they +were not. Of course honest fish, like trout, were all right if a body +was sick or not hungry or something. + +Trout reminded her of something, and here again the baleful tooth of +calumny fleshed itself in the fair repute of one Timmins. She described +him as "a strange growth named Timmins, that has the Lazy 8 Ranch over +on the next creek and wears kind of aimless whiskers all over his face +till you'd think he had a gas mask on." She talked freely of him. + +"You know what he does when he wants a mess of trout? Takes one of +these old-fashioned beer bottles with patent stoppers, fills it up with +unslaked lime, pours in a little water, stops it up, drops it in a likely +looking trout pool, and in one minute it explodes as good as something +made by a Russian patriot; all the trout in the pool are knocked out +and float on the surface, where this old highbinder gathers 'em in. He's +a regular efficiency expert in sport. Take fall and spring, when the wild +geese come through, he'll soak grain in alcohol and put it out for 'em +over on the big marsh. First thing you know he'll have a drunken old +goose by the legs, all maudlin and helpless. Puts him in a coop till +he sobers up, then butchers him. + +"Such is Safety First: never been known to take a chance yet. Why, say, +a year ago when he sold off his wool there was a piece in the county +paper about him getting eighteen thousand dollars for it; so naturally +there was a man that said he was a well-known capitalist come up from +San Francisco to sell him some stock in a rubber company. Safety admits +he has the money and he goes down to the big city for a week at the +capitalist's expense, seeing the town's night life and the blue-print +maps and the engraved stock and samples of the rubber and the +capitalist's picture under a magnificent rubber tree in South America, +and he's lodged in a silk boudoir at the best hotel and wined and +dined very deleteriously and everything is agreed to. And the night +before he's going to put his eighteen thousand into this lovely rubber +stock that will net him two hundred per cent, at the very lowest, on the +capitalist's word of honour, what does he do but sneak out and take the +train for home on his return ticket that he'd made the capitalist buy +him. + +"Ever talk to one of these rich capitalists that has rubber stock for +sale in South America or a self-starting banana orchard? You know how +good they are. + +"You're certainly entitled to anything of your own that you've kept +after they get through with you. And would you think that this poor, +simple-minded old rancher would be any match for their wiles? But if +you knew he had been a match and had nicked 'em for at least three +hundred dollars, would you still think something malignant might be +put over on him by a mere scrub buckeroo named Sandy Sawtelle, that +never made a cent in his life except by the most degrading manual +labour? No, you wouldn't. No fair-minded judge of criminals would. + +"But I admit I had a weak moment. Yes, sir; for a brief spell I was all +too human. Or I guess what it was. I was all blinded up with immoral +designs, this here snake-blooded Timmins having put things over on me +in stock deals from time to time till I'd got to lying awake nights +thinking how I could make a believer of him. I wanted him to know there +is a God, even if it hadn't ever seemed so to him. + +"Of course I knew it would have to be some high-grade felony, he being +proof against common depredations. Well, then, along come this Sunday +paper, with two whole pages telling about how the meat of the common +whale will win the war, with a picture of a whale having dotted lines +showing how to butcher it, and recipes for whale patties, and so forth. +And next comes the circus to Red Gap, with old Pete, the Indian, going +down to it and getting crazy about elephants. And so that was how it +happened." + +The lady now knitted in silence, appearing to believe that all had been +told. + +I waited a decent interval, then said I was glad indeed to know how it +had all happened; that it was a great help to know how it had happened, +even if I must remain forever ignorant of what it was that had happened. +Of course I couldn't expect to be told that. + +It merely brought more about mules. Five hundred dollars a span for mules +looked good until you remembered that you needed 'em worse than the other +party did. She had to keep her twenty span of old reliables because, what +with the sailors and section hands you got nowadays to do your haying, +you had to have tame mules. Give 'em any other kind and they'd desert the +ship the minute a team started to run. It cost too much for wagon +repairs. + +Silence again. + +I now said I had, it was true, heard much low neighbourhood scandal about +the Timmins man, but that I had learned not to believe all I heard about +people; there was too much prejudice in the world, and at least two sides +to every question. + +This merely evoked the item that Timmins had bought him a thrift stamp +on the sole ground that it had such a pretty name; then came the wish +that she might have seen him dining in public at that rich hotel where +the capitalist paid the bills. + +She thought people must have been startled by some of his actions. + +"Yes, sir; that old outlaw will eat soup or any soft food with almost no +strategy at all." + +As we seemed to be getting nowhere I meanly rolled the lady a cigarette. +She hates to stop knitting to roll one, but she will stop to light it. + +She stopped now, and as I held the match for her I said quite frankly +that it had become necessary for me to be told the whole thing from start +to finish. She said she had told me everything--and believed it--but +would go over it again if I didn't understand. Though not always starting +at command, the lady has really a full habit of speech. + +I told you about whales, didn't I? Whales started it--whales for table +use. It come in the Sunday paper--with the picture of a handsome whale +and the picture of a French cook kissing his fingers over the way he has +cooked some of it; and the picture of a pleased young couple eating whale +in a swell restaurant; and the picture of a fair young bride in her +kitchenette cutting up three cents' worth of whale meat into a chafing +dish and saying how glad she was to have something tasty and cheap for +dearie's lunch; and the picture of a poor labouring man being told by +someone down in Washington, D.C., that's making a dollar a year, that +a nickel's worth of prime whale meat has more actual nourishment than a +dollar's worth of porterhouse steak; and so on, till you'd think the +world's food troubles was going to be settled in jig time; all people +had to do was to go out and get a good eating whale and salt down the +side meat and smoke the shoulders and grind up some sausage and be fixed +for the winter, with plenty to send a mess round to the neighbours now +and then. + +And knocking beef, you understand, till you'd think no one but criminals +and idiots would ever touch a real steak again, on account of its being +so poor in food values, like this Washington scientist says that gets a +dollar a year salary and earns every cent of it. It made me mad, the +slanderous things they said about beef; but I read the piece over pretty +carefully and I really couldn't see where the whale was going to put me +out of business, at least for a couple years yet. It looked like I'd have +time, anyway, to make a clean-up before you'd be able to go into any +butcher shop and get a rib roast of young whale for six cents, with a +bushel or two of scraps thrown in for the dog. + +Then this Sunday paper goes out to the bunk house and the boys find the +whale piece and get excited about it. Looks like if it's true that most +of 'em will be driving ice wagons or something for a living. They want +me to send down for a mess of whale meat so they can see if it tastes +like regular food. They don't hardly believe these pictures where people +dressed up like they had money are going into spasms of delight about it. +Still, they don't know--poor credulous dubs! They think things you see in +a Sunday paper might be true now and then, even if it is most always a +pack of lies thought up by dissipated newspaper men. + +I tell 'em they can send for a whole whale if they want to pay for it, +but none of my money goes that way so long as stall-fed beef retains its +present flavour; and furthermore I expect to be doing business right here +for years after the whale fad has died out--doing the best I can with +about ten silly cowhands taking the rest cure at my expense the minute I +step off the place. I said there was no doubt they should all be added to +the ranks of the unemployed that very minute--but due to other well-known +causes than the wiping out of the cattle industry by cold whale hash in +jelly, which happened to be the dish this French chef was going crazy +over. + +They chewed over that pointed information for a while, then they got to +making each other bets of a thousand dollars about what whale meat would +taste like; whether whale liver and bacon could be told from natural +liver and bacon, and whether whale steak would probably taste like +catfish or mebbe more like mud turtle. Sandy Sawtelle, who always knows +everything by divine right, like you might say, he says in superior tones +that it won't taste like either one but has a flavour all its own, which +even he can't describe, though it will be something like the meat of the +wild sea cow, which roams the ocean in vast herds off the coast of +Florida. + +Then they consider the question of a whale round-up in an expert manner. +It don't look none too good, going out on rodeo in water about three +miles too deep for wading, though the idea of lass'ing a whale calf and +branding it does hold a certain fascination. Sandy says it would be the +only livestock business on earth where you don't always have to be +fearing a dry season; and Buck Devine says that's so, and likewise +the range is practically unlimited, as any one can see from a good map, +and wouldn't it be fine riding herd in a steam yacht with a high-class +bartender handy, instead of on a so-and-so cayuse that was liable any +minute to trade ends and pour you out of the saddle on to your lame +shoulder. + +They'd got to kidding about it by this time, when who should ride up but +old Safety First Timmins. They spring the food whale on Safety with much +flourish. They show him the pictures and quote prices on the hoof--which +are low, but look what even a runt of a yearling whale that was calved +late in the fall would weigh on the scales!--and no worry about fences or +free range or winter feeding or water holes; nothing to do but ride round +on your private steamboat with a good orchestra, and a chance to be +dissolute and count your money. And look what a snap the pioneers will +have with all the mavericks; probably not a single whale in the ocean yet +branded! And does Timmins want to throw in with us? If he does mebbe they +can fix up a deal with me because I want a good business man at the head +of the new outfit. + +But Safety says right off quick that it's all a pack of nonsense. He says +it's the mad dream of a visionary or feeble-minded person. He don't deny +there would be money in whales if they could be handled, but you couldn't +handle anything that had the whole ocean to swim in that covers three +quarters of the earth's surface, as he has often read. And how would you +get a branding iron on a whale, and what good would it do you? He'd beat +it out for Europe. He said they was foolish to think whales would stay in +a herd, and he guessed I'd been talking just to hear myself talk, or more +likely I'd been kidding 'em to get a good laugh. + +Sandy says: "Well, I wasn't going to tell you at first, but I guess it'll +be safe with you, you being a good friend of the Arrowhead, only don't +let it go no farther; but the fact is the boss is negotiating for the +whale privilege in Great Salt Lake. Yes, sir, she's bribing the Utah +legislature this very minute to let the bill go through! And I guess that +don't look much like kidding. As soon as the governor has signed the bill +she'll put in a couple of good three-year-old bull whales and a nice +little herd of heifers and have the world's meat supply at her finger +ends in less than five years--just killing off the yearling steers." + +Safety looks a bit startled at this, and Sandy goes on to say that though +whale meat is now but a fad of the idle rich it's bound to be the meat of +rich and poor alike in future. He'd bet a thousand dollars to a dime that +by the time the next war come along the first thing they'd do would be to +establish a whaleless day. He said whale meat was just that good. + +Safety chewed his gum quite a time on this--he says if a man chews gum he +won't ruin himself in pocket for tobacco--and he read the whale article +over carefully and looked at the pictures again, but he still said it +didn't sound to him like a legitimate business enterprise. He said for +one thing there'd be trouble shipping the original herd up to Salt Lake. +Sandy said it was true; there would be the initial expense of loading on +to flat cars, and a couple of tunnels would have to be widened so the +bulls wouldn't be rasped going through, but that I have already taken +this up with the railroad company. + +Safety says that may all be true, but, mark his words, the minute my herd +gets into inland waters it will develop some kind of disease like anthrax +or blackleg, and the whole bunch will die on me. Sandy says it will be a +simple matter to vaccinate, because the animals will be as affectionate +as kittens by that time through having been kindly handled, which is all +a whale needs. He says they really got a very social nature and are loyal +unto death. Once a whale is your friend, he says, it's for life, rain or +shine, just so long as you treat him square. Even do a whale a favour +just once and he'll remember your face, make no difference if it's fifty +years; though being the same, it is true, in his hatreds, because a whale +never forgives an injury. A sailor he happens to know once give a whale +he had made friends with a chew of tobacco just for a joke and the animal +got into an awful rage and tried to tear the ship down to get at him, and +then he followed the ship all over the world waiting for this sailor to +fall off or get wrecked or something, till finally the hunted man got so +nervous he quit the sea and is now running a news stand in Seattle, if +Safety don't believe it. It just goes to show that a whale as long as +you're square with him is superior in mind and morals to a steer, which +ain't got sense enough to know friend from foe. + +Safety still shakes his head. He says "safe and sane" has been his motto +throughout a long and busy life and this here proposition don't sound +like neither one to him. The boys tell him he's missing a good thing by +not throwing in with us. They say I'm giving 'em each a big block of +stock, paid up and non-assessable, and they don't want him to come round +later when they're rolling in wealth and ask why they didn't give him a +chance too. + +"I can just hear you talk," said Sandy. "You'll be saying: 'I knew that +whole fool bunch when not one ever had a dollar he could call his own the +day after he was paid off, and now look at 'em--throwing their hundreds +of thousands right and left; houses with pianos in every room; new boots +every week; silver-mounted saddles at a thousand each; choice wines, +liquors, and cigars; private taxicabs; and Alexander J. Sawtelle, the +wealthy banker, being elected to Congress by an overwhelming majority!' +That's the way you'll be talking," said Sandy, "with regret eating into +your vitals like some horrible acid that is fatal to man and beast." + +Safety says he thinks they're all plumb crazy, and a fool and his money +is soon parted--this being a saying he must have learned at the age of +three and has never forgotten a word of--and he comes up to the house to +see me. Mebbe he wanted to find out if I had really lost my mind, but he +said nothing about whales. Just set round and talked the usual hard luck. +Been in the stock business thirty years and never had a good year yet. +Nothing left of his cattle but the running gear; and his land so poor you +couldn't even raise a row on it unless you went there mad; and why he +keeps on struggling in the bitter clutch of misfortune he don't know. But +I always know why he keeps on struggling. Money! Nothing but money. So +when he got through mourning over his ruined fortunes, and feebly said +something about taking some mules off my hands at a fair price, I shut +him off firmly. Whenever that old crook talks about taking anything off +your hands he's plotting as near highway robbery as they'll let him stay +out of jail for. He was sad when I refused two hundred and fifty dollars +a span for my best mules. + +He went off shaking his head like he hadn't expected such inhumanity from +an old friend and neighbour to one who through hard luck was now down and +out. + +Well, I hear no more about whales; but a circus is coming to Red Gap and +old Pete, the Indian, says he must go down to it, his mind being inflamed +by some incredible posters pasted over the blacksmith shop at Kulanche. +He says he's a very old man and can't be with us long, and when he does +take the one-way trail he wants to be able to tell his friends on the +other side all about the strange animals that they never had a chance to +see. The old pagan was so excited about it I let him go. And he was still +more excited when he got back two days later. Yes, sir; he'd found a way +to fortune. + +He said I'd sure think he was a liar with a crooked tongue and a false +heart, but they had an animal at that circus as big as our biggest +covered mess wagon and it would weigh as much as the six biggest steers I +ever shipped. It has a nose about five feet long--he was sure I wouldn't +believe this part--that it fed itself with, and it carried so much meat +that just one ham would keep a family like Pete's going all winter. He +said of course I would think he was a liar, but I could write down to Red +Gap to a lawyer, and the lawyer would get plenty of people to swear to it +right in the courthouse. And so now I must hurry up and stock the place +with these animals and have more meat than anybody in the world and get +rich pretty quick. Forty times he stretched his arms to show me how big +one of these hams would be, and he said the best part was that this +animal hardly ate anything at all but a little popcorn and a few peanuts. +Hadn't he watched it for hours? And if I didn't hurry others would get +the idea and run prices up. + +I guess Pete's commercial mind must of been engaged by hearing the boys +talk about whales. He hadn't held with the whale proposition, not for a +minute, after he learned they live in the ocean. He once had a good look +at the ocean and he promptly said "Too much water!" But here was a land +animal packing nearly as much meat as a whale, eating almost nothing, and +as tame as a puppy. "I think, 'Injun how you smart!'" he says when he got +through telling me all this in a very secret and important way. + +I told him he was very smart indeed and ought to have a job with the +Government at a dollar a year telling people to quit beef meat for the +elephant. I said I was much obliged for the tip and if I ever got to +going good in elephants I'd see he had a critter of his own to butcher +every fall. So Pete went out with all his excitement and told the boys +how I was going to stock the ranch with these new animals which was +better than whales because you wouldn't have to get your feet wet. The +boys made much of it right off. + +In no time at all they had all the white-faces sold off and vast herds of +pure-bred elephants roaming over the ranch with the Arrowhead brand on +'em. Down on the flat lands they had waving fields of popcorn and up +above here they had a thousand acres of ripening peanuts; and Sandy +Sawtelle, the king of the humourists, he hit on another idea that would +bring in fifty thousand dollars a year just on the side. He said if a +crowd come along to a ranch and bought the rancher's own hay for the sake +of feeding it to his own steers they would be thought weak-minded. Not so +with elephants. He said people would come from far and near and bring +their little ones to buy our own peanuts and popcorn to feed our own +elephants. All we needed to do was put the stuff up in sacks at a nickel +a throw. He said of course the novelty might die out in time, but if he +could only get the peanut-and-popcorn concession for the first three +years that would be all he'd want for his simple needs of living in a +swell marble house in Spokane, with a private saloon and hired help to +bring him his breakfast in bed and put on another record and minister +to his lightest whim. Buck Devine said he'd be able to throw his own good +money right and left if he could get the ivory privilege, which is made +from the horns of the elephant and is used for many useful purposes; and +one of the other boys says they'll develop a good milk strain and get a +dairy herd, because the milk of this noble animal ought to be fine for +prize fighters and piano movers. + +In about ten minutes they was doing quite a business for old Pete's +benefit, and Pete very earnest about it. He says I've promised him a +young animal to butcher every fall, and they tell him there ain't no meat +so good as a prime young popcorn-fed elephant, and he'll certainly live +high. And just then up rides old Safety First again. So they get silent +and mysterious all at once and warn Pete, so Safety will hear it, not to +say a word to any one. Pete looks secretive and hostile at the visitor +and goes back to his woodpile. Safety naturally says what fool thing have +they got into their heads now, and he supposes it's some more of that +whale nonsense. + +The boys clam up. They say this is nothing like whales, but a dry-land +proposition too important to talk about; that I've sworn everyone to +secrecy, but he'll see soon enough what it is when the big money begins +to roll in. They don't mind telling him it's an African proposition of +new and nourishing food, a regular godsend to the human race, but they +got to keep quiet until I get my options bought up so I'll have the +cream of the business. + +Safety sniffs in a baffled manner and tries to worm out a hint, but they +say it's a thing would go like wildfire once it got known, being so much +tastier than whale meat and easier to handle, and eating almost nothing. + +"Whales was pretty good," says Sandy; "but since the boss got a line on +this other animal she's disposed of her whale interests for seventy-three +thousand dollars." + +Buck Devine says I showed him the check, that come in yesterday's mail, +and let him hold it a minute so he could say he once held seventy-three +thousand dollars in his hand just like that. And the money was to be put +into this new business, with the boys being let in on the ground floor, +like they had been with the whales. Sandy says that in probably a year +from now, or eighteen months at the most, he won't be a thing but a +dissipated millionaire. Nothing but that! + +Safety is peculiar in his mind. If you told him you found a million gold +dollars up in the top of that jack pine he wouldn't believe it, yet still +and all he'd get a real thrill out of it. He certainly does cherish +money. The very notion of it is romantic to him. And he must of been +thrilled now. He hung round, listening keenly while the boys squandered +their vast wealth in various reprehensible ways, trying to get some idea +about the new animal. Finally he sniffed some more, and they was all +crazy as loons, and went off. But where does he go but over to old Pete +at the woodpile and keeps him from his work for ten minutes trying to get +the new animal's name out of Pete. But he can't trap the redman into any +admissions. All he can find out is that Pete is serious and excited. + +Then he come up to ask me once more if he couldn't take some mules off +my hands. He found out quick and short that he couldn't. Still he hung +round, talking nonsense as far as I could make out, because I hadn't +yet been let in on the new elephant proposition. He says he hears I'm +taking up a new line of stock, the same not being whales nor anything +that swims, and if it's more than I can swing by myself, why, he's a good +neighbour of long standing, and able in a pinch, mebbe, to scrape up a +few thousand dollars, or even more if it's a sure cinch, and how about +it, and from one old friend to another just what is this new line? + +Being busy I acted short. I said I was sticking to cattle in spite of the +infamous gossip against 'em, and all reports to the contrary was mere +society chatter. Still he acted like I was trying to fool him. He went +out saying if I changed my mind any time I was to let him know, and he'd +be over again soon to talk mules at least, if nothing else, and anything +he could do for me any time, just say the word, and try some of this gum, +and so forth. I was right puzzled by these here refined civilities of his +until Pete comes in and tells me how the boys have stocked the old ranch +with elephants and how Safety has tried to get him to tell the secret. I +tell Pete he's done right to keep still, and then I go down to the bunk +house and hear the whole thing. + +By this time they're shipping thousands of steer elephants at top prices; +they catch 'em up off soft feed and fatten 'em on popcorn and peanuts, +and every Thanksgiving they send a nice fat calf down to the White House, +for no one looks at turkey any more. Sandy is now telling what a snap it +will be to ride herd on elephants. + +"You pick out a big one," he says, "and you build a little cupalo up on +top of him and climb up into it by means of a ladder, and set there in +this little furnished room with a good book, and smoke and pass the time +away while your good old saddle elephant does the work. All you got to do +is lean out of the front window now and then and jab him in the forehead +with an ice pick, whichever way you want him to turn." + +I said trust a cow-puncher to think up some way where he'd have to do as +little work with his hands as he does with his head. But I admitted they +seemed to have landed on old Timmins for once, because he had tried to +get Pete to betray the secret and then come wheedling round to me about +it. I said I could talk more intelligently next time, and he would sure +come again because he had lavished two sticks of gum on me, which was an +incredible performance and could not have been done except for an evil +purpose. + +"Now say," says Sandy, "that does look like we got him believing. I was +going to kid him along about once more, then spring elephants on him, and +we'd all have a good laugh at the old wolf. But it looks to me like a +chance for better than a laugh; it looks to me like we might commit a +real crime against him." + +"He never carries anything on him," I says, "if you're meaning something +plain, like highway robbery." + +Sandy says he don't mean that; he means real Wall Street stuff, such as +one gentleman can pull on another and still keep loose; crooked, he says, +but not rough. I ask what is the idea, and Sandy says get him more and +more feverish about the vast returns from this secret enterprise. Then +we'll cut out a bunch of culls--thin stuff and runts and cripples--and +make him give about four times what they're worth on a promise to let him +into the new deal; tell him we must be rid of this stuff to make room for +the new animals, and naturally we'll favour our friends. + +"There, now!" says Sandy. "I should be in Wall Street this minute, being +able to think up a coop as pernicious as that: and I would of been there, +too, only I hate city life." + +"For once in the world's history," I says, "there may be a grain of +sense in your words. Only no cows in the deal. Even to defraud the old +crook I wouldn't let him have hide nor hair of a beef, not since he +worked on my feelings in the matter of them bull calves two years ago. +Mules, yes. But the cow is too worthy a beast to be mixed up in anything +sinful I put over on that profiteer. Now I'll tell you what," I says, +very businesslike: "you boys tole him along till he gets hectic enough to +take that bunch of mule runts down in the south field, and anything you +get over fifty dollars a head I'll split with you." + +Sandy hollers at this. He says this bunch ain't mules but rabbits, and +that I wouldn't refuse forty a head for 'em this minute. He says even a +man expecting to be let in on a sure-thing elephant ranch would know +something wicked was meant if asked to give even as much as fifty dollars +for these insects. I tell him all very true; but this is just the margin +for his lasting financial genius which he displays so little reticence +about that it'll get into the papers and make him a marked man from coast +to coast if he ain't careful. He says oh, all right, if I want to take it +that way, and he'll see what he can do. Mebbe he can get fifty-five a +head, which would not only give the boys a good laugh but provide a +little torch money. + +I left 'em plotting against a man that had never been touched by any plot +whatever. I resolved to remain kind of aloof from their nefarious doings. +It didn't seem quite dignified for one of my standing to be mixed up in a +deal so crooked--at least no more than necessary to get my share of the +pickings. + +Sure enough, the very next day here come the depraved old outcast +marauding round again at lunch time and et with the boys in the kitchen. +He found 'em full of suppressed excitement and secret speech and +careless talk about large sums of money. It must of been like sweetest +music to his ears. One says how much would it be safe to count on cutting +up the first year--how much in round numbers; and another would say that +in round numbers, what with the expense of getting started and figuring +everything down to the last cent, it wouldn't be safe to count on more +than a hundred thousand dollars; but, of course, for the second year, +now, why it would be nearer two hundred thousand in round numbers, even +figuring everything fine and making big allowance for shrinkage. After +that they handed money back and forth in round numbers till they got +sick of the sound of it. + +They said Safety set and listened in a trance, only waking up now and +then to see if he couldn't goad someone into revealing the name of this +new animal. But they always foiled him. Sandy Sawtelle drew an affecting +picture of himself being cut off by high living at the age of ninety, +leaving six or eight million dollars in round numbers and having his kin +folks squabble over his will till the lawyers got most of it. They said +Safety hardly et a morsel and had an evil glitter in his eyes. + +And after lunch he went out to the woodpile where old Pete was working +and offered him two bits in money to tell him the secret, and when old +Pete scorned him he raised it to four bits. I guess the idea of any one +refusing money merely for a little talk had never seemed possible to him. +He must of thought there was sure something in it. I was away that day, +but when I got back and heard about his hellish attempt to bribe old +Pete I told the boys they sure had the chance of a lifetime. I said if +there was a mite of financial prowess in the bunch they would start the +price on them runt mules at one hundred dollars flat, because it was +certain that Safety had struck the skids. + +Next day it looked better than ever. Safety not only appeared in the +afternoon but he brought me a quart jar of honey from his own bees. Any +one not having looked up his criminal record would little understand +what this meant. I pretended to be too busy to be startled at the gift, +which broke thirty years of complete inactivity in that line. I looked +worried and important with a litter of papers on my desk and seemed to +have no time to waste on callers. He mentioned mules once or twice with +no effect whatever, then says he hears I'm going into a new line that +seems like it might have a few dollars in it, and he hopes I won't lose +my all, because so many things nowadays look good till they're tried. +I was crafty. I said I might be going into a new line, then again it +might be nothing but idle talk and he better not believe everything he +hears. + +He took up the jar of honey and fondled it, with his face looking like +he was laying a loved one to rest, and said he wouldn't mind going into +something new himself if he could be sure it was sound, because the stock +business at present was a dog's life. He said the war was to be won by +food, and every patriot should either go across or come across, and he +was trying to stand by the flag and save all the food he could, but by +the way his help acted at mealtime you'd think they was a gang of German +spies. Watch 'em eat beans, he said, and you'd think they'd never heard +that beans had gone from three cents a pound to sixteen; but they had +heard it, because he'd told 'em so in plain English more than once. But +it had no effect. The way they dished into 'em you'd think we'd been +endowed with beans the same as with God's own sunlight. + +He said it was discouraging to a staunch patriot. Here was the President +trying to make democracy safe for the world, and he was now going to +stand by the Administration even if he had voted the Republican ticket +up to now; but three of his men had quit only yesterday and the war was +certainly lost if the labouring classes kept on making gods of their +stomachs that way. And as a matter of fact now, as between old friends +and neighbours, if I had something that looked good, why not keep it all +together just with us here in the valley, he, though a poor man, being +able to scrape up a few thousand dollars in round numbers for any +enterprise that was a cinch. + +And the old hound being worth a good half million dollars at that +instant! But I kept control of my face and looked still more worried +and important and said I might have to take in a good man, and then +again I might not. I couldn't tell till I got some odd lots of stock +cleaned up. Then I looked at some more documents and, like I was talking +unconsciously to myself, I muttered, though distinctly: "Now that there +bunch of runt mules--they'll have to go; but, of course, not for any mere +song." + +Then I studied some more documents in a masterful manner and forgot my +caller entirely till at last he pussyfooted out, having caught sight of +Sandy down by the corral. + +Pretty soon Sandy reports to me. He says Safety is hurt at my cold manner +to an old friend and neighbour that's always running in with a jar of +honey or some knickknack; and he had mentioned the runt mules, saying +he might be induced to consider 'em though I probably won't let 'em go +for any mere song, contemptible as they are. Sandy says he's right; that +it's got to be a whole opera with words and music for them mules. He says +I got a reason for acting firm about the price, the reason being that +this new line I'm going to embark in is such a sure thing that I want +only friends to come in, and I got to be convinced first that their heart +is in the right place. + +Safety says his heart is always getting the best of his head in stock +deals, but just how foolish will I expect an old and tried friend to seem +about these scrub mules that nobody in his right mind would touch at any +price. + +Sandy yawns like he was weary of it all and says a hundred dollars flat. +He said Safety just stood still and looked at him forever without batting +an eye, till he got rattled and said that mebbe ninety-five might be +considered. That's a trick with this old robber when a party's got +something to sell him. They tell their price and he just keeps still and +looks at 'em--not indignant nor astonished, not even interested, but +merely fishlike. Most people can't stand it long, it's that uncanny. +They get fussed and nervous, and weaken before he's said a single word. + +But it was certain now that the mystery was getting to Safety, because +otherwise he'd have laughed his head off at the mention of a hundred +dollars for these mules. Three months before he'd heard me himself offer +'em for forty a head. You see, when I bought bands of mules from time to +time I'd made the sellers throw in the little ones to go free with the +trade. I now had twenty-five or so, but it had begun to get to me that +mebbe those sellers hadn't been so easy as I thought at the time. They +was knotty-headed little runts that I'd never bothered to handle. + +Last spring I had the boys chink up the cracks in the corral and put each +one of the cunning little mites into the chute and roach it so as to put +a bow in its neck; then I put the bunch on good green feed where they +would fatten and shed off; but it was wasted effort. They looked so much +like field mice I was afraid that cats would make a mistake. After they +got fat the biggest one looked as if he'd weigh close up to seven hundred +and fifty. It was when they had begun to buy mules too; that is to say, +mules! But no such luck as a new West Pointer coming to inspect these; +nothing but wise old cavalry captains that when they put an eye on the +bunch would grin friendly at me and hesitate only long enough to put some +water in the radiator. I bet there never was a bunch of three-year-old +mules that stood so much condemning. + +After offering 'em for forty a head one time to a party and having him +answer very simply by asking how the road was on beyond and which turn +did he take, I quit bothering. After that when buyers come along I told +the truth and said I didn't have any mules. I had to keep my real ones, +and it wasn't worth while showing those submules. And this was the bunch +Sandy had told S.F. Timmins he could take away for a hundred a head--or +even ninety-five. And Safety hadn't laughed! + +And would you have wondered when he sifts in a couple days later and +makes me a cold offer of sixty dollars a head for this choice livestock? +Yes, sir! He says "Live and let live" is his motto, and he wants to prove +that I have wronged him in the past if I ever had the faintest suspicion +that he wasn't the ideal party to have in on a deal that was going to net +everyone concerned a handsome fortune. He says the fact is money goes +through his fingers like water if you come right down to it; and sixty or +even sixty-five if I want to push him to extremes, because he's the last +man on God's green earth to let five dollars split up old neighbours +that ought to be hand and glove in any new deal that come up. + +It like to of keeled me over, but I recovered and become busier than ever +and got out my bank book and begun to figure over that. I said Sandy +Sawtelle had the handling of this particular bunch of my assets and +I couldn't be bothered by it. + +So he mooches down to the barn till Sandy come in with Buck Devine. +They was chattering about three hundred thousand dollars in round numbers +when they got near enough for him to overhear their private conversation. +They wondered why they had wasted so much of their lives in the cattle +business, but now them old hard-working days was over, or soon would be, +with nothing to do but travel round in Pullman palace cars and see +America first, and go to movies, and so forth. Safety wished to haggle +some about the mules, but Sandy says he's already stated the price in +clear, ringing tones, and he has no time to waste, being that I must +send him down that night to get an order on the wire for two carloads +of the Little Giant peanut. Safety just blinked at this, not even asking +why the peanuts; and the boys left him cold. + +When I told 'em about the offer to me of sixty or a possible sixty-five, +they at once done a medicine dance. + +"This here will be the richest coop ever pulled off west of Cheyenne," +says Buck; and Sandy says he guesses anybody not blind can now see that +well-known street in New York he ought to have his office on. He says +he hopes Safety don't fall too easy, because he wants more chance to +work it up. + +But Sandy is doomed to disappointment. Safety holds off only two days +more. Two days he loafs round at mealtimes, listening to their rich +converse and saying he'd like to know who's a better friend of this +outfit than he's been for twenty years. The boys tell him if he's such +a good friend to go ahead and prove it with a little barter that would +be sure to touch my heart. And the first day Safety offers seventy-five +a head for these here jack rabbits, which they calmly ignore and go on +talking about Liberty Bonds being a good safe investment; and the second +day he just cries like a child that he'll pay eighty-five and trust to +their honour that he's to have in on this new sure-thing deal. + +That seemed enough, so they all shook hands with the spendthrift and +slapped him on the back in good fellowship, and said they knew all the +time he had a heart of gold and they feel free to say now that once the +money has passed he won't be let to go off the place till he has heard +all about the new enterprise and let in on the ground floor, and they +hope he won't ever forget this moment when the money begins to roll in +fit to smother him in round numbers. So Safety says he knows they're a +good square set of boys, as clean as a hound's tooth, and he'll be over +to-morrow to take over the stock and hear the interesting details. + +The boys set up late that night figuring their share of the burglary. +There was twenty-five of these ground squirrels. I was to get my fifty a +head, at least ten of which was illegitimate. Then for the thirty-five, +which was the real robbery, I was to take half, and eight of the boys the +other half. I begun to wonder that night just what could be done to us +under the criminal law. It looked like three years in some good jail +wouldn't be a bit too harsh. + +Next day bright and early here comes frugal Safety, gangling along behind +his whiskers and bringing one of his ill-fed hirelings to help drive the +stuff back. Safety is rubbing his hands and acting very sprightly, with +an air of false good fellowship. It almost seems like he was afraid they +had thought better of the trade and might try to crawl out. He wants it +over quick. They all go down and help him drive his purchase out of the +lower field, where they been hiding in the tall grass, and in no time +at all have the bunch headed down the lane on to the county road, with +Safety's man keeping well up to protect 'em from the coyotes. + +Next there's kind of a solemn moment when the check is being made out. +Safety performs that serious operation down at the bunk house. Making out +any check is always the great adventure with him. He writes it with his +heart's blood, and not being the greatest scholar in the world he has to +count the letters in his name after it's written--he knows there ought to +be nine together--and then he has to wipe the ink off his hands and sigh +dismally and say if this thing keeps up he'll be spending his old age at +the poor farm, and so forth. It all went according to schedule, except +that he seemed strangely eager and under a severe nervous strain. + +Me? I'd been, sort of hanging round on the edge of events while the +dastardly deed was being committed, not seeming to be responsible in any +way. My Lord! I still wanted to be able to face the bereaved man as an +honest woman and tell him it was only some nonsense of the boys for which +I could not be held under the law, no matter how good a lawyer he'd get. +When they come trooping out of the bunk house I was pretending to consult +Abner, the blacksmith, about some mower parts. And right off I was struck +by the fact that Safety seemed to be his old self again; his air of false +gayety and nervous strain had left him and he was cold and silent and +deadly, like the poisonous cobra of India. + +But now they was going to spring the new secret enterprise on him, so I +moved off toward the house a bit, not wanting to be too near when his +screams begun. It did seem kind of shameful, taking advantage of the +old miser's grasping habits; still, I remembered a few neat things he'd +done to me and I didn't slink too far into the background. Safety was +standing by his horse with the boys all gathered close round him, and I +heard Sandy say "Elephants--nothing but elephants--that's the new idea!" + +Then they all begun to talk at once, jabbering about the peanuts and +popcorn that crowds of people will come to buy from us to feed back to +our stock, and how there's more meat in an elephant than in six steers, +and about how the punchers will be riding round in these little cupalos +up on top of their big saddle elephants; and they kept getting swifter +and more excited in their talk, till at last they just naturally exploded +when they made sure Safety got the idea and would know he'd been made a +fool of. They had a grand time; threw their hats in the air and danced +round their victim and punched each other, and their yells and hearty +laughter could of been heard for miles up and down the creek. Two or +three had guns they let off to add to the gleeful noise. Oh, it was +deuces wild for about three minutes. They nearly died laughing. + +Then the whole thing kind of died a strange and painful death. Safety +wasn't taking on one bit like a man that's been stung. He stood there +cold and malignant and listened to the noise and didn't bat an eye till +he just naturally quelled the disorder. It got as still as a church, and +then Safety talked a little in a calm voice. + +"Elephants?" says he, kind of amused. "Why, elephants ain't no good stock +proposition because it takes 'em so long to mature! Elephants is often a +hundred and twenty years old. You'd have to feed one at least forty years +to get him fit to ship. I really am surprised at you boys, going into a +proposition like that without looking up the details. It certainly ain't +anything for my money. Why, you couldn't even veal an elephant till he +was about fifteen years old, which would need at least six thousand +dollars' worth of peanuts; and what kind of a stock business is that, I'd +like to know. And even if they could rustle their own feed, what kind of +a business is it where you could only ship once in a lifetime? You boys +make me tired, going hell-bent into an enterprise where you'd all be dead +and forgotten before the first turnover of your stock." + +He now looked at 'em in a sad, rebuking manner. It was like an icy blast +from Greenland the way he took it. + +Two or three tried to start the big laugh again, but their yips was +feeble and died quickly out. They just stood there foolish. Even Sandy +Sawtelle couldn't think of anything bright to say. + +Safety now climbs on his horse, strangely cheerful, and says; "Well, I'll +have to be getting along with them new mules of mine." Then he kind of +giggled at the crowd and says: "I certainly got the laugh on this outfit, +starting a business where this here old Methusalem hisself could hardly +get it going good before death cut him off!" + +And away he rides, chuckling like it was an awful joke on us. Not a +single scream of agony about what had been done to him with them stunted +mules. + +Of course that was all I needed to know. One deadly chill of fear took me +from head to foot. I knew perfectly well our trench was mined and the +fuse lighted. Up comes this chucklehead of a Sawtelle, and for once in +his life he's puzzled. + +"Well," he says, "you got to give old S.F. credit for one thing. Did you +see the way he tried to switch the laugh over on to us, and me with his +trusty check right here in my hand? I never would have thought it, but +he is certainly one awful good game loser!" + +"Game loser nothing!" I says. "He's just a game winner. Any time you see +that old boy acting game he's won. And he's won now, no matter how much +the known facts look against it. I don't know how, but he's won." + +They all begin to tell me I must be mistaken, because look at the price +we got for stuff we hadn't been able to sell at any price before. I says +I am looking at that, but I'm also obliged to look at Safety after he's +paid that price, and the laws of Nature certainly ain't been suspended +all at once. I offer to bet 'em what they've made on the deal that Safety +has run true to form. "Mark my words," I says, "this is one sad day for +the Arrowhead! I don't know how or why, but we'll soon find out; and if +you don't believe me, now's the time to double your money." + +But they hung off on that. They got too much respect for my judgment. And +they admitted that Safety's way of standing the gaff had been downright +uncanny. So there was nothing to do but pay over their share of this +tainted money and wait for the blow, eight hundred and seventy-five +dollars being the amount I split with 'em for their masterly headwork +in the depredation. + +That very day in the mail comes a letter that has been delayed because +this here Government of ours pinches a penny even worse than old Timmins +does. Yes, sir; this letter had been mailed at Seattle with a two-cent +stamp the day after the Government had boosted the price to three cents. +And what does the Government do? Does it say: "Oh, send it along! Why +pinch pennies?" Not at all. It takes a printed card and a printed +envelope and the time of a clerk and an R.F.D. mail carrier to send me +word that I must forward one cent if I want this letter--spends at least +two cents to get one cent. Well, it takes two days for that notice to +reach me; and of course I let it lie round a couple of days, thinking +it's probably an advertisement; and then two days for my one-cent stamp +to go back to this parsimonious postmaster; and two days for the letter +to get here; making about eight days, during which things had happened +that I should of known about. Yes, sir; it's a great Government that will +worry over one cent and then meet one of these smooth profiteers and +loosen up on a million dollars like a cowhand with three months' pay +hitting a wet town. Of course it was all over when I read this letter. + + * * * * * + +I rolled another cigarette for the injured woman it being no time for +words. + +"It just goes to show," she observed after the first relishing draft, +"that we should be honest, even with defectives like old Timmins. This +man in Seattle that keeps track of prices for me writes that the top of +the mule market has blown sky-high; that if I got anything looking at all +like a mule not to let it go off the place for less than two hundred +dollars, because mule buyers is sure desperate. Safety must of got the +same tip, only you can bet his correspondent put the full three cents +on the letter. Safety would never have trusted a strange postmaster with +the excess. Anyway he sold that bunch of rabbits a week later for one +hundred and seventy-five a head, thus adding twenty-two hundred and fifty +dollars of my money to his tainted fortune. You can imagine the pins and +needles he'd been on for a week, scared I'd get the tip and knowing if he +even mentioned them runts at any price whatever that I'd be wise at once. +That joke of the boys must of seemed heaven-sent to him. + +"You ought to heard the lecture I read them fool punchers on common +honesty and how the biter is always bit. I scared 'em good; there hasn't +been an elephant on the place since that day. They're a chastened lot, +all right. I was chastened myself. I admit it. I don't hardly believe +I'll ever attempt anything crooked on old Safety again---and yet, I don't +know." + +The lady viciously expelled the last smoke from her cigarette and again +took up the knitting. + +"I don't really know but if there was some wanton, duplicity come up that +I could handle myself and not have to leave to that pack of amateur +thieves out in the bunk house, and it was dead sure and I didn't risk +doing more than two years' penal servitude--yes, I really don't know. +Even now mebbe all ain't over between us." + + + + +II + +A LOVE STORY + +I had for some time been noting a slight theatrical tinge to the +periodical literature supported by the big table in the Arrowhead living +room. Chiefly the table's burden is composed of trade journals of the +sober quality of the _Stockbreeder's Gazette_ or _Mine, Quarry & Derrick_ +or the "Farmer's Almanac." But if, for example, one really tired of a +vivacious column headed "Chats on Fertilizers" one could, by shuffling +the litter, come upon a less sordid magazine frankly abandoned to the +interests of the screen drama. + +The one I best recall has limned upon its cover in acceptable flesh tints +a fair young face of flawless beauty framed in a mass of curling golden +ringlets. The dewy eyes, shaded to mystery by lashes of uncommon length, +flash a wistful appeal that is faintly belied by the half-smiling lips +and the dimpling chin. The contours are delicate yet firm; a face of +haunting appeal--a face in which tears can be seldom but the sprightly +rain of April, and the smile, when it melts the sensitive lips, will yet +warn that hearts are made to ache and here is one not all too merry in +its gladness. It is the face of one of our famous screen beauties, and we +know, even from this tinted half-tone, that the fame has been deserved. + +On one of those tired Arrowhead nights, inwardly debating the possible +discourtesy of an early bedding after ten wet miles of trout stream, I +came again and again to this compelling face of the sad smile and the +glad tears. It recalled an ideal feminine head much looked at in my +nonage. It was lithographed mostly in pink and was labeled "Tempest and +Sunshine." So I loitered by the big table, dreaming upon the poignant +perfections of this idol of a strange new art. I dreamed until awakened +by the bustling return of my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, who +paused beside me to build an after-dinner cigarette, herself glancing +meantime at the flawless face on the magazine cover. I perceived +instantly that she also had been caught by its not too elusive charm. + +"A beautiful face," I said. + +Ma Pettengill took the magazine from me and studied the dainty thing. + +"Yes, he's certainly beautiful," she assented. "He's as handsome as a +Greek goddess." Thus did the woman ambiguously praise that famous screen +star, J. Harold Armytage. "And the money he makes! His salary is one of +them you see compared with the President's so as to make the latter seem +a mere trifle. That's a funny thing. I bet at least eighteen million +grown people in this country never did know how much they was paying +their president till they saw it quoted beside some movie star's salary +in a piece that tells how he's getting about four times what we pay the +man in the White House. Ain't it a great business, though! Here's this +horrible male beauty that would have to be mighty careful to escape +extermination if he was anything but an actor. Being that, however, he +not only eludes the vengeance of a sickened populace, but he can come +out and be raw about it. Here, let me show you." + +She turned to the page where J. Harold Armytage began to print a choice +few of the letters he daily received from admirers of the reputedly +frailer sex. She now read me one of these with lamentable efforts of +voice to satirize its wooing note: "My darling! I saw that dear face of +yours again to-night in All For Love! So noble and manly you were in the +sawmill scene where first you turn upon the scoundrelly millionaire +father of the girl you love, then save him from the dynamite bomb of the +strikers at the risk of your own. Oh, my dearest! Something tells me your +heart is as pure and sweet as your acting, that your dear face could not +mask an evil thought. Oh, my man of all the world! If only you and I +together might--" + +It seemed enough. Ma Pettengill thought so too. The others were not +unlike it. The woman then read me a few of the replies of J. Harold +Armytage to his unknown worshippers. The famous star was invariably +modest and dignified in these. Tactfully, as a gentleman must in any +magazine of wide circulation, he deprecated the worship of these adoring +ones and kindly sought to persuade them that he was but a man--not a god, +even if he did chance to receive one of the largest salaries in the +business. The rogue! No god--with the glorious lines of his face there +on the cover to controvert this awkward disclaimer! His beauty flaunted +to famished hearts, what avail to protest weakly that they should put +away his image or even to hint, as now and again he was stern enough to +do, that their frankness bordered on the unmaidenly? + +I called Ma Pettengill's attention to this engaging modesty. I said it +must be an affair of some delicacy to rebuff ardent and not too reticent +fair ones in a public print, and that I considered J. Harold Armytage to +have come out of it with a display of taste that could be called unusual. +The woman replied, with her occasional irrelevance, that if the parties +that hired him should read this stuff they probably wouldn't even then +take him out on the lot and have him bitterly kicked by a succession of +ten large labouring men who would take kindly to the task. She then once +more said that the movies was sure one great business, and turned in the +magazine to pleasanter pages on which one Vida Sommers, also a screen +idol, it seemed, gave warning and advice to young girls who contemplated +a moving-picture career. + +Portraits of Vida Sommers in her best-known roles embellished these +pages. In all of the portraits she wept. In some the tears were visible; +in others they had to be guessed, the face being drawn by anguish. Her +feminine correspondents wished particularly to be told of the snares +and temptations besetting the path of the young girl who enters this +perilous career. Many of them seemed rather vague except upon this point. +They all seemed to be sure that snares and temptations would await them, +and would Vida Sommers please say how these could be avoided by young and +impressionable girls of good figure and appearance who were now waiting +on table at the American House in Centralia, Illinois, or accepting +temporary employment in mercantile establishments in Chicago, or merely +living at home in Zanesville, Ohio, amid conditions unbearably cramping +to their aspirations? + +And Vida Sommers told every one of them not to consider the pictures but +as a final refuge from penury. She warned them that they would find the +life one of hard work and full of disappointments. It seemed that even +the snares and temptations were disappointing, being more easily evaded +than many of her correspondents appeared to suspect. She advised them all +to marry some good, true man and make a home for him. And surely none of +them could have believed the life to be a joyous one after studying these +sorrowful portraits of Vida Sommers. + +"That's my little actress friend," said Ma Pettengill. "Doesn't she cry +something grand!" + +"You've been cheating me," I answered. "I never knew you had a little +actress friend. How did you get her? And doesn't she ever play anything +cheerful?" + +"Of course not! She only plays mothers, and you know what that means in +moving pictures. Ever see a moving-picture mother that had a chance to be +happy for more than the first ten feet of film? You certainly got to cry +to hold down that job. Ain't she always jolted quick in the first reel by +the husband getting all ruined up in Wall Street, or the child getting +stole, or the daughter that's just budding into womanhood running off +with a polished shoe-drummer with city ways, or the only son robbing a +bank, or husband taking up with a lady adventuress that lives across the +hall in the same flat and outdresses mother? + +"Then it's one jolt after another for her till the last ten feet of the +last reel, when everything comes right somewhere on a ranch out in the +great clean West where husband or son has got to be a man again by +mingling with the honest-hearted drunken cowboys in their barroom +frolics, or where daughter has won back her womanhood and made a name for +herself by dancing the Nature dance in the Red Eye Saloon for rough but +tender-hearted miners that shower their gold on her when stewed. Only, in +this glad time of the last ten feet she still has to cry a-plenty because +the clouds have passed and she's Oh, so happy at last! Yes, sir; they +get mother going and coming. And when she ain't weeping she has to be +scared or mad or something that keeps her face busy. Here--I got some +programmes of new pieces Vida just sent me. You can see she's a great +actress; look at that one: 'Why Did You Make My Mamma Cry?' And these +other two." + +I looked and believed. The dramas were variously and pithily described +as The Picture with the Punch Powerful--The Smashing Five-Reel +Masterpiece--A Play of Peculiar Problems and Tense Situations--Six +Gripping Reels, 7,000 Feet and Every Foot a Punch! Vida Sommers, in +the scenes reproduced from these plays, had indeed a busy face. In the +picture captioned "Why Did You Make My Mamma Cry?" the tiny golden-haired +girl is reproaching her father in evening dress. I read the opening lines +of the synopsis: "A young business man, who has been made successful +through his wife's money, is led to neglect her through pressure of +affairs, falls into the toils of a dancer in a public place and becomes +a victim of her habit, that of drinking perfume in her tea--" + +But I had not the heart to follow this tragedy. In another, "The Woman +Pays--Powerful and Picturesque, a Virile Masterpiece of Red-Blooded +Hearts," Vida Sommers is powerfully hating her husband whom she has +confronted in the den of a sneering and superbly gowned adventuress +who declares that the husband must choose between them. Of course there +can be no doubt about the husband's choice. No sane movie actor would +hesitate a second. The caption says of Vida Sommers: "Her Love Has Turned +to Hate." It may be good acting, but it would never get her chosen by the +male of her species--the adventuress being what is known in some circles +as a pippin. + +I studied still another of these documents--"Hearts Asunder." Vida +Sommers has sent her beautiful daughter to the spring for a pail of +water, though everyone in the audience must know that Gordon Balch, the +detestable villain, is lurking outside for precisely this to occur. The +synopsis beautiful says: "The mother now goes in search of her darling, +only to find her struggling in the grasp of Gordon Balch, who is trying +to force his attentions on her." This is where Vida Sommers has to look +frightened, though in a later picture one sees that her fright changed +to "A Mother's Honest Rage." The result is that Gordon Balch gets his, +and gets it good. The line under his last appearance is "The End of a +Misspent Life." Vida Sommers here registers pity. As Ma Pettengill had +said, her face seemed never to have a moment's rest. + +While I studied these exhibits my hostess had not been silent upon the +merits of her little actress friend. Slowly she made me curious as to the +origin and inner life of this valued member of an exalted profession. + +"Yes, sir; there she is at the top, drawing down big money, with a +nice vine-clad home in this film town, furnished from a page in a +woman's magazine, with a big black limousine like a hearse--all but +the plumes--and a husband that she worships the ground he walks on. +Everything the heart can desire, even to being mother to some of the +very saddest persons ever seen on a screen. It shows what genius will +do for a woman when she finds out what kind of genius she's got and is +further goaded by the necessity of supporting a husband in the style to +which he has been accustomed by a doting father. She's some person now, +let me tell you. + +"She spent a week with me in Red Gap last fall, and you'd ought to seen +how certain parties kowtowed to me so they'd get to meet her. I found +that about every woman under fifty in our town is sure she was born for +this here picture work, from Henrietta Templeton Price to Beryl Mae +Macomber, who's expecting any day to be snapped up by some shrewd manager +that her type is bound to appeal to, she being a fair young thing with +big eyes and lots of teeth, like all film actresses. Metta Bigler, +that teaches oil painting and burnt wood, give Vida a reception in her +Bohemian studio in Red Gap's Latin Quarter--the studio having a chain +of Chianti bottles on the wall and an ash tray with five burnt cigarette +ends on a taboret to make it look Bohemian--and that was sure the biggest +thrill our town has had since the Gus Levy All Star Shamrock Vaudeville +Company stranded there five years ago. It just shows how important my +little actress friend is--and look what she come up from!" + +I said I wouldn't mind looking what she come up from if she had started +low enough to make it exciting. + +Ma Pettengill said she had that! She had come up from the gutter. She +said that Vida Sommers, the idol of thousands, had been "a mere daughter +of the people." Her eyes crinkled as she uttered this phrase. So I chose +a chair in the shadow while she built a second cigarette. + +Ten years ago I'm taking a vacation down in New York City. Along comes a +letter from Aunt Esther Colborn, of Fredonia, who is a kind of a third +cousin of mine about twice removed. Says her niece, Vida, has had a good +city job as cashier of a dairy lunch in Boston, which is across the river +from some college, but has thrown this job to the winds to marry the only +college son of a rich New York magnate or Wall Street crook who has cast +the boy off for contracting this low alliance with a daughter of the +people. Aunt Esther is now afraid Vida isn't right happy and wants I +should look her up and find out. It didn't sound too good, but I obliged. + +I go to the address in Sixty-seventh Street on the West Side and find +that Vida is keeping a boarding house. But I was ready to cheer Aunt +Esther with a telegram one second after she opened the door on me--in +a big blue apron and a dustcap on her hair. She was the happiest young +woman I ever did see--shining it out every which way. A very attractive +girl about twenty-five, with a slim figure and one of these faces that +ain't exactly of howling beauty in any one feature, but that sure get +you when they're sunned up with joy like this one was. + +She was pleased to death when I told her my name, and of course I must +come in and stay for dinner so I could see all her boarders that was like +one big family and, above all, meet her darling husband Clyde when he got +home from business. The cheeriest thing she was, and I adore to meet +people that are cheery, so I said nothing would please me better. She +took me up to her little bedroom to lay my things off and then down to +the parlour where she said I must rest and excuse her because she still +had a few little things to supervise. She did have too. In the next hour +and a half she run up and down two flights of stairs at least ten times. +I could hear her sweeping overhead and jamming things round on the stove +when she raced down to the kitchen. Yes, she had several little things to +supervise and one girl to help her. I peeked into the kitchen once while +I was wandering through the lower rooms, and she seemed to be showing +this girl how to boil potatoes. I wondered if she never run down and if +her happy look was really chronic or mebbe put on for my benefit. Still, +I could hear her singing to herself and she moved like a happy person. + +In looking round the parlour I was greeted on every wall by pictures +of a charming youth I guessed was darling Clyde. A fine young face he +had, and looked as happy as Vida herself. There was pictures of him +with a tennis racket and on a sailboat and with a mandolin and standing +up with his college glee club and setting on a high-powered horse and +so forth, all showing he must be a great social favourite and one born +to have a good time. I wondered how he'd come to confer himself on +the cashier of a quick-lunch place. I thought it must be one of these +romances. Then--I'm always remembering the foolishest things--I recalled +a funny little absent look in Vida's eyes when she spoke of her darling +coming home from business. I thought now it must of been pride; that he +was performing some low job in a factory or store while she run the +boarding house, and she didn't want me to know it. I thought he must +be a pretty fine rich man's son to stand the gaff this way when cast +off by his father for mixing up with a daughter of the people. + +It come dinnertime; about a dozen boarders straggling in, with Vida in +a pretty frock anxious because darling Clyde was ten minutes late and +of course something fatal must of happened to him in crossing a crowded +street. But nothing had. He showed up safe and sound and whistling in +another ten minutes, and became the life of the party. He looked near as +happy as Vida did when she embraced him out in the hall, a fine handsome +young fellow, the best-natured in the world, jollying the boarders and +jollying me and jollying Vida that he called Baby Girl, or Babe. I saw, +too, that I must of been mistaken about the job he was holding down. He +was dressed in a very expensive manner, with neat little gold trinkets +half concealed about him, the shirt and collar exactly right and the +silk socks carefully matching the lavender tie. + +He kept the table lively all through dinner with jokes and quips from the +latest musical comedies and anecdotes of his dear old college days, and +how that very afternoon he had won a silver cup and the pool championship +of his college club--and against a lot of corking good players, too, he +didn't mind saying. Also I noticed we was eating a mighty good dinner; so +darned good you didn't see how Vida could set it up at the price boarders +usually pay. + +After dinner Clyde sat down to the piano in the parlour and entertained +one and all with songs of a comic or sentimental character. He knew a +piano intimately, and his voice was one of these here melting tenors that +get right inside of you and nestle. He was about the most ingratiating +young man I'd ever met, and I didn't wonder any more about Vida's look +of joy being permanent. She'd look in on the party every once in a while +from the kitchen or the dining room where she was helping her Swede do +the dishes for fifteen people and set the table for breakfast. + +She was about an hour at this, and when at last she'd slipped out of her +big apron and joined us she was looking right tuckered but still joyous. +Clyde patted his Baby Girl's hand when she come in, and she let herself +go into an easy-chair near him that one of the boarders got up to give +her. I got the swift idea that this was the first time all day she'd set +down with any right feeling of rest. + +Then Clyde sung to her. You could tell it was a song he meant for her and +never sung till she'd got the work done up. A right pretty old song it +was, Clyde throwing all the loving warmth of his first-class tenor voice +into the words: + +Good night, good night, beloved! +I come to watch o'er thee, +To be near thee, to be near thee. + +I forget the rest, but there was happy tears in Vida's eyes when he +finished in one climbing tenor burst. Then Clyde gets up and says he +has an engagement down to his college club because some of his dear old +classmates has gathered there for a quiet little evening of reminiscence +and the jolly old rascals pretend they can't get along without him. Vida +beams on him brighter than ever and tells him to be sure and have a good +time, which I'd bet money he'd be sure to. + +It was a very pretty scene when they said good night. Vida pretended +that Clyde's voice was falling off from smoking too many cigarettes at +this club. "I wouldn't mind you're going there, but I just know you spend +most of the time in the club's horrid old smoking room!" She tells him +this with a pout. Smoking room of a club! The knowing little minx! And +Clyde chided her right back in a merry fashion. He lifted one of her +hands and said his Baby Girl would have to take better care of them +because the cunnun' little handies was getting all rough. Then they +both laughed and went out for a long embrace in the hall. + +Vida come back with a glowing countenance, and the boarders having +dropped off to their rooms when the life of the party went to his club +we had a nice chat. All about Clyde. She hoped I did like him, and I +frankly said he was about the most taking young brat I'd ever been close +to. She explained how their union had been a dream; that during their +entire married life of a year and a half he had never spoken one cross +word to her. She said I couldn't imagine his goodness of heart nor his +sunny disposition nor how much everyone admired him. But the tired thing +got so sleepy in ten minutes, even talking about her husband, that she +couldn't keep back the yawns, so I said I'd had a wonderful evening and +would have to go now. + +But up in the bedroom, while I'm putting my things on, she gets waked up +and goes more into detail about her happiness. I've never been able to +figure out why, but women will tell each other things in a bedroom that +they wouldn't dream of telling in any other room. Not that Vida went very +far. Just a few little points. Like how Clyde's father had cast him off +when they married and how she had felt herself that she was nothing but +a bad woman taking advantage of this youth, she being a whole year older +than he was; but Clyde had acted stunning in the matter, telling his +father he had chosen the better part. Also it turned out this father +hadn't cast him off from so much after all, because the old man went flat +broke in Wall Street a couple of months later, perishing of heart failure +right afterward, and about the only thing Clyde would of drawn from the +estate anyway was an old-fashioned watch of his grandfather's with a +chain made from his grandmother's hair when she was a bride. + +I gathered they had been right up against it at this time, except for +the two thousand dollars that had been left Vida by her Uncle Gideon +in the savings bank at Fredonia. Clyde, when she drew this out, wanted +they should go to Newport with it where they could lead a quiet life +for a couple of months while he looked about for a suitable opening +for himself. But Vida had been firm, even ugly, she said, on this point. +She'd took the two thousand and started a boarding house that would be +more like a home than a boarding house, though Clyde kept saying he'd +never be able to endure seeing the woman bearing his name reduced to such +ignoble straits. + +Still he had swallowed his foolish pride and been really very nice about +it after she got the business started. Now he was always telling her to +be sure and set a good table. He said if you were going to do a thing, +even if it was only keeping a boarding house, to do it well. That was his +motto--do it well or don't do it at all! So she was buying the best cuts +of meats and all fresh vegetables because of his strict ideas in this +matter, and it didn't look as if they'd ever really make a fortune at +it--to say nothing of there being more persons than I'd believe that had +hard luck and got behind in their payments, and of course one couldn't be +stern to the poor unfortunates. + +I listened to this chatter till it seemed about time to ask what business +Clyde had took up. It seemed that right at the moment he was disengaged. +It further seemed that he had been disengaged at most other moments since +he had stooped to this marriage with a daughter of the people. I mustn't +think it was the poor boy's fault, though. He was willing at all times +to accept a situation and sometimes would get so depressed that he'd +actually look for work. Twice he had found it, but it proved to be +something confining in an office where the hours were long and conditions +far from satisfactory. + +That's how she put it, with glowing eyes and flushed cheeks: "It +proved to be mere dull routine work not in the least suited to darling +Clyde's talents and the conditions were far from satisfactory. I had the +hardest time prevailing on him to give the nasty old places up and wait +patiently for a suitable opening. He was quite impatient with me when he +consented--but, of course, he's only a boy of twenty-four, a whole year +younger than I am. I tell him every day a suitable opening is bound to +occur very soon. You see, he had so many grand friends, people of the +right sort that are wealthy. I insist on his meeting them constantly. +Just think; only last week he spent Saturday and Sunday at one of the +biggest country houses on Long Island, and had such a good time. He's a +prime favourite with a lot of people like that and they're always having +him to dine or to the opera or to their balls and parties. I miss him +horribly, of course, and the poor dear misses me, but I tell him it will +surely lead to something. His old college chums all love him too--a boy +makes so many valuable friends in college, don't you think? A lot of them +try to put things in his way. I couldn't bear to have him accept a +situation unworthy of him--I know it would kill him. Why, he wilts like +a flower under the least depression." + +Well, I set and listened to a long string of this--and not a word for +me to say. What could any one of said? Wasn't it being told to me by +the happiest woman I ever set eyes on? Yes, sir; I'd never believe how +gentle natured the boy was. Why, that very morning, being worried about +something that went wrong with breakfast, which she had to turn out at +five A. M. to get started hadn't she clean forgot to change his studs to +a fresh shirt? And, to make it worse, hadn't she laid out a wrong color +of socks with his lavender tie? But had he been cross to her, as most men +would of been? Not for one second! He'd simply joked her about it when +she brought up his breakfast tray, just as he'd joked her to-night about +her hands getting rough from the kitchen work. And so forth and so forth! + +The poor thing had got so dead for sleep by this time that she was merely +babbling. She'd probably of fallen over in her clothes if I hadn't been +there. Anyway, I got her undressed and into bed. She said Clyde's +goodnight song always rung in her ears till she slept. It didn't ring +long this night. She was off before I got out the door. Darned if I +hadn't been kind of embarrassed by her talk, knowing it would never +do for me to bust in with anything bordering on the vicious, such as +suggesting that if Clyde now and then went into the kitchen and helped +Baby Girl with the dishes it would make a very attractive difference +in him. I took another good look at his pictures in the parlour before +I let myself out of the house. He still looked good--but hell! + +I wrote Aunt Esther the same evening not to worry one minute about Vida's +happiness, because I wished we could all be as happy as she was. All the +same I took pains to go round to that boarding house a couple times more +because it seemed like the girl's happiness might have a bum foundation. +Darling Clyde was as merry and attentive as ever and Vida was still +joyous. I guess she kept joyous at her work all day by looking forward to +that golden moment after dinner when her boy would sing Good night, good +night, beloved--he'd come to watch o'er her! How that song did light her +face up! + +She confided to me one of these times that the funny men are always +making jokes about how much it costs a woman for clothes, and she +wondered why they didn't make some of their old jokes about how much it +costs for men's clothes too. She said I wouldn't believe how much they +had to lay out on Clyde's clothes so he'd be sure to look right when a +suitable opening occurred. I could take the item of shirts alone that had +to be made to order and cost seven-fifty each, to say nothing of collars +and ties and suits from what Clyde said was the only tailor in New York +that could dress a gentleman so he looked like one. She said if these +funny humourists could see what they spent on her clothes and what they +had to spend on Clyde's, she bet they'd feel mighty cheap. She laughed +like she had a bully joke on the poor things. + +She was glad, too, for Clyde's sake that a suitable opening was just +about to occur any moment, because the poor chap said himself it was a +dog's life he was leading, with nothing much to do every day but go to +the club and set round. And how thankful she'd ought to be that he never +drank--the least bit of liquor made him ill--and so many young men of +his class nowadays drank to excess. + +No; nothing for me to say and nothing to do. Here was one happy love +match. So I come home, making Vida promise to write often. + +She did write about six times in the next three years. The chief fact +standing out was that the right opening for Clyde hadn't opened yet--and +he was getting more impatient every day. He always had something in view. +But I judged he was far-sighted. And some way when he had got his rope +over a job the hondoo wouldn't seem to render. He couldn't cinch +anything. He was as full of blandishment as ever, though, and not a one +of his staunch old friends had dropped him on account of his unfortunate +marriage. He was a great diner-out and spent lots of week-ends, and just +now was on a jolly houseboat in Florida for three months with an old +college mate worth nine million dollars, and wasn't that nice! She could +just see him keeping the whole party gay with his mandolin and his songs. +The summer before that this same friend had let Clyde have an elegant +motor car for his own use, and the foolish boy had actually took her out +in it one Sunday, there being a pongee motor coat in the car that fit her +beautifully so that none of his rich friends could have told she wasn't +dressed as smartly as they was. He not only kept her out all afternoon, +but would have took her to dinner some place only she had to get back to +the boarding house because you couldn't trust these raw Swedes. + +And there was one thing she was going to bring herself to confess to +me, no matter if it did sound disloyal--a dreadful thing about Clyde. +It was ugly of her to breathe a word against him, but she was greatly +worried and mebbe I could help her. The horrible truth was that her boy +was betraying an inclination to get fat, and he'd only laugh at her when +she warned him. Many a night her pillow had been wet with tears on this +account, and did I believe in any of these remedies for reducing? Wasn't +there something she could slip into his pudding that would keep him down +without his knowing it, because otherwise, though it was a thing no true +wife ought to say, her beloved would dig his grave with his teeth. + +I thought that was about enough and even ample. I started a hot answer to +this letter, saying that if darling Clyde was digging his grave with his +teeth it was her own fault because she was providing the spade and the +burial plot, and the quickest way to thin her darling down would be for +her to quit work. But shucks! Why insult the poor thing? I got back my +composure and wrote her a nice letter of sympathy in her hour of great +trouble. I didn't say at all that if I had been in her place Mr. Clyde +would of long since had my permission to go to the devil. Yes, sir; I'd +have had that lad going south early in the second year. Mebbe not at +that! A woman never really knows how some other man might of made a +fool of her. + +Two more years drug on, with about two letters from Vida, and then I +get a terrible one announcing the grand crash. First, the boarding house +had died a lingering death, what from Vida buying the best the market +afforded and not having learned to say "No!" to parties that got behind, +and Clyde having had to lend a couple hundred dollars to a fraternity +brother that was having a little hard luck. She'd run the business on a +narrow trail for the last two months, trying to guard every penny, but +it got so she and Clyde actually had to worry over his next club dues, +to say nothing of a new dress suit he was badly needing. Then some +parties she owed bills to come along and pushed her over the cliff by +taking her furniture. She was at first dreadfully worried about how her +boy would stand the blow, but he'd took it like the brave, staunch man +he was, being such a help to her when they had to move to a furnished +room near the old home where they both had been so happy. He'd fairly +made the place ring with his musical laughter and his merry jesting +about their hardships. + +Then she'd got a good job as cashier in a big grocery she'd dealt +with, not getting a million dollars a year, to be sure, but they were +doing nicely, because Clyde took most of his meals with his thoughtful +friends--and then crash out of a clear sky a horrible tragedy happened +that for a minute darkened the whole world. + +Yes, it was a bitter tragedy. Clyde's two-year-old dress suit, that +he was bravely wearing without a murmur, had needed pressing and she +promised to do it; but she overslept herself till seven-thirty that +morning, which made her late at the store, so she'd asked the girl in +this rooming house to do it down in the kitchen. The girl had been +willing but weak-minded. She started with too hot an iron and didn't +put a damp cloth between the iron and the goods. In the midst of the +job something boiled over on the stove. She got rattled and jumped for +that, and when she come back the dress coat of darling Clyde was branded +for fair in the middle of the back--a nifty flatiron brand that you could +of picked him out of a bunch of animals by in one second. The girl was +scared stiff and hung the clothes back in the closet without a word. And +poor Clyde discovered the outrage that night when he was dressing for a +class reunion of his dear old Alvah Mater. + +I had to read between the lines some, but I gathered that he now broke +down completely at this betrayal of his trusting nature. Vida must of +been suffering too keenly herself to write me all the pitiful details. +And right on top of this blow comes the horrible discovery, when he takes +his mandolin out of the case, that it has been fatally injured in the +moving. One blow right on another. How little we realize the suffering +that goes on all about us in this hard world. Imagine the agony in that +furnished room this night! + +Clyde wasn't made of iron. When the first flood of grief subsided he +seems to of got cold and desperate. Said Vida in this letter: "My heart +stopped when he suddenly declared in cool, terrible tones: 'There's +always the river!' I could see that he had resolved to end it all, and +through the night I pleaded with my boy." + +I bet she made mistakes as a grocer's cashier next day, but it was worth +it because her appeals to Clyde's better nature had prevailed. He did +disappear that day, getting his trunks from the house while she was at +the store and not being able to say good-bye because he couldn't remember +which store she was accepting a situation at. But he left her a nice +note. He wasn't going to end it all in the river. He was going off on the +private steamboat of one of his dearest friends for a trip round the +world that might last a year--and she mustn't worry about the silly old +dress coat, because his new dinner-jacket suit would be ample for a boat +trip. Also she'd be glad to know that he had a new mandolin, though she +wasn't to worry about the bill for it, because the man didn't expect his +pay on time and, anyway, he could wait, so with fondest love! + +And Vida was so relieved at this good fortune. To think that her +despondent boy was once more assured of his rightful position for a +whole year, while she was saving her princely wages till she got enough +to start another boarding house that would be more like a home. Wasn't +it all simply too good to be true--wasn't it always darkest just before +dawn! + +I didn't trust myself to answer that letter, beyond wiring her that if +she ever felt she was having any really hard luck to be sure and call on +me. And she went on working and putting her money by. It was two years +later when I next saw her. I looked her up the first thing when I got to +New York. + +She was still accepting a position in this grocery, but of course had +changed to a much smaller furnished room where she could be cozy and feed +herself from a gas stove on the simple plain foods that one just can't +seem to get at high-priced restaurants. + +She'd changed a lot. Lines in her face now, and streaks in her brown +hair, and she barely thirty. I made up my mind to do something harsh, +but couldn't just tell how to start. She'd had a picture card from her +boy the first year, showing the Bay of Naples and telling how he longed +for her; but six months later had come a despondent letter from Japan +speaking again of the river and saying he often felt like ending it +all. Only, he might drag out his existence a bit longer because another +wealthy old chum was in port and begging him to switch over to his yacht +and liven up the party, which was also going round the world--and maybe +he would, because "after all, does anything in life really matter?" + +That was the last line. I read it myself while Vida watched me, setting +on her little iron bed after work one night. She had a plain little room +with no windows but one in the roof, though very tastefully furnished +with photos of Clyde on every wall. The only other luxury she'd indulged +in was a three-dollar revolver because she was deathly afraid of +burglars. She'd also bought a hammer to shoot the revolver off with, +keeping 'em both on the stand at the head of her bed. Yes; she said that +was the way the man was firing it off in the advertisement--hitting it on +a certain spot with a hammer. She was a reckless little scoundrel. She +told me all about how to shoot a revolver while I was thinking up what +to say about Clyde. + +I finally said if he had ended it all she must cheer up, because it +might be for the best. She considered this sadly and said she didn't +believe dear Clyde had been prepared to die. I could see she was +remembering old things that had been taught her in Sabbath school about +God and wickedness and the bad place, so I cheered her on that point. I +told her they hadn't been burning people for about thirty years now, the +same not being considered smart any longer in the best religious circles. +I also tried in a delicate manner to convince her that her boy would +never end it all by any free act of his. I offered to bet her a large sum +of money on this at any odds she wanted--she could write her own ticket. +I said I knew men well enough to be certain that with this one it would +be a long life but a merry one. Gee! The idea of this four-carder hurting +himself! + +And I had to cheer her up on another point. This was that she didn't +have about three babies, all the image of their father. Yes, sir; she +was grieving sorely about that. It give me a new line on her. I saw +all at once she was mostly mother--a born one. Couldn't ever be anything +else and hadn't ever really felt anything but mothersome to this here +wandering treasure of hers. It give me kind of a shock. It made me +feel so queer I wanted to swear. + +Well, I wrastled with that mulish female seven straight days to make +her leave that twelve-hour job of hers and come out here with me. I tried +everything. I even told her what with long hours and bum food she was +making herself so old that her boy wouldn't give her a second look when +he got back. That rattled her. She took hold of her face and said that +massage cream would take all those silly lines out when she got time +to rub it in properly; and as for the gray in her hair, she could never +bring herself to use a dye, but if Clyde come back she might apply a +little of the magic remedy that restores the natural colour. She also +said in plain words that to come out here with me would look like +deserting her boy. Do you get that? + +"Dear Clyde is so sensitive," she says. "I couldn't bear the thought of +his coming back and finding that I had left our home." + +My work was cut for me, all right. I guess I'd failed if I hadn't been +helped by her getting a sick spell from worry over what the good God +would do to Clyde if he should end it all in some nasty old river, and +from the grocery being sold to a party that had his own cashier. But I +won, she being too sick to hunt another job just then. A least I got a +fair compromise. + +She wouldn't come here to live with me, but she remembered that Clyde had +often talked of Southern California, where he had once gone with genial +friends in a private car. He had said that some day when he had acquired +the means he would keep a home there. So she was willing to go there +herself and start a home for him. I saw it was the best I could get from +her, so I applauded. + +I says: "That's fine. You take this three hundred and eighty dollars you +got saved and I'll put a few dollars more with it and get you a little +country place down there where you can be out of doors all day and raise +oranges and chickens, and enough hogs for table use, and when the dear +boy comes back he'll be awful proud of you." + +"Oh, he always was that," says Vida. "But I'll go--and I'll always keep +a light in the window for him." + +And a lot of folks say women ought to vote! + +So we start for Los Angeles, deserting Clyde just as mean as dirt. Sure, +I went with her! I didn't trust her to finish the trip. As it was, she +wanted to get off the train twice before we got to Chicago--thinking +of the shock to her boy's tender heart if he should come back and find +himself deserted. + +But then, right after we left Chicago, she got interested. In the section +across from us was a fifty-five-year-old male grouch with a few gray +bristles on his head who had been snarling at everyone that come near +him ever since the train left New York. The porters and conductors had +got so they'd rush by him like they was afraid of getting bit on the arm. +He had a gray face that seemed like it had been gouged out of stone. It +was like one of these gargles you see on rare old churches in Europe. He +was just hating everyone in the world, not even playing himself a +favourite. And Vida had stood his growling as long as she could. Having +at last give up the notion of tracking back to New York, she plumped +herself down in the seat with this raging wild beast and begged for his +troubles. I looked to see her tore limb from limb, instead of which in +three minutes he was cooing to her in a rocky bass voice. His trouble +was lumbago or pleurisy or some misery that kept him every minute in +this pernickety state. + +That was all old mother Vida needed to know. She rustled a couple +hot-water bags and kept 'em on the ribs of this grouch for about two +thousand miles, to say nothing of doping him with asperin and quinine +and camphor and menthol and hot tea and soothing words. He was the only +son in sight, so he got it good. She simply has to mother something. + +The grouch got a little human himself the last day out and begun to +ask Vida questions about herself. Being one that will tell any person +anything at all, she told him her life history and how her plans was now +unsettled, but she hoped to make a home out on this coast. The grouch +come right out and asked her how big her roll was, saying he lived out +here and it cost something to make a home. Vida told him she had her two +years' savings of three hundred and eighty good dollars and that I had +promised to loan her a few dollars to piece out with. At this the old boy +looked me over carefully and could see no signs of vast wealth because I +never wear such in Pullman cars, so he warns her that I'll have to piece +out her savings with a few thousand instead of a few dollars if she's to +start anything worth keeping, because what they do to you in taxes down +there is a-plenty. + +After which he goes to sleep. + +Vida moves over and asks what I meant by saying I'd only have to put in a +few dollars when I must of known it would take a few thousand, and didn't +I realize that Clyde would be hurt to the quick if he come back and found +she hadn't been independent? She indignantly said she'd have to give up +the country place and work till she had enough to start another home for +paying guests. + +I was so mad at this truthful grouch for butting in on my game that +I up and told her flat she could never run a boarding house and make +it pay; that no woman could who hadn't learned to say "No!" and she was +too much of a mush-head for that. She was quite offended by this and says +firmness has always been considered a strong point in her personality. A +first-class palmist had told her this only two weeks before. While we are +squabbling back and forth the grouch wakes up again and says that he's in +the moving-picture business and will give her a good job in the wardrobe +department of the company he's with, so she must show up there at eight +o'clock the next morning. Just like that! He didn't ask her. He told her. + +Vida is kind of took off her feet, but mumbles "Yes, sir!" and puts his +card in her bag. Me? I was too mad to talk, seeing the girl get into the +mill again when I'd tried so hard to get her out. But I swore to myself +I'd stick round and try to get some sense into the cup-custard she called +her brain. + +So the next morning I took her out to this moving-picture joint that they +call a studio--not a bit like Metta Bigler's studio in Red Gap--and sure +enough here's the grouch ready to put Vida on a job. The job is in a room +about ninety feet long filled with boxes and sewing machines and shelves +full of costumes, and Vida is to be assistant wardrobe mistress. Yes, +sir; a regular title for the job. And the pay is twenty-five a week, +which is thirteen more than she'd ever dreamed of making before. The +grouch is very decent to her and tells everybody she's a friend of his, +and they all pay polite attention to him because he's someone important +in the works. It seems he's a director. He stands round and yells at the +actors how to act, which I had always supposed they knew already but it +seems not. Anyway, I left Vida there to get on to her new duties. + +She was full of good reports that night about how well she'd got along, +and how interesting the work was, and how she'd helped doctor up another +boy. She said he was one of the world's greatest actors, because if they +give him four or five stiff drinks first he would fall off a forty-foot +cliff backwards into the ocean. She'd helped bandage a sprained wrist for +him that he got by jumping out of a second-story window in a gripping +drama replete with punch and not landing quite right. + +I said to myself it must be a crazy joint and she'd soon give up and +let me get her a nice little place on the edge of town that I'd already +looked over. So I let her go three days more, but still she stuck +there with great enthusiasm. Then I had to be leaving for home, so the +afternoon of the fourth day I went out to see for myself how things +looked. + +Vida is tickled to see me and takes me right in where they're beginning +to act a gripping feature production. Old Bill Grouch is there in front +of a three-legged camera barking at the actors that are waiting round +in their disguises--with more paint on 'em than even a young girl will +use if her mother don't watch her. The grouch is very polite to Vida and +me and shows us where to stand so we won't get knocked over by other +actors that are carrying round furniture and electric light stands and +things. + +They got a parlour in a humble home where the first scene is to be. +There's a mother and a fair-haired boy of twenty and a cop that's come +to pinch him for a crime. The play at this point is that the mother has +to plead with the cop not to drag her boy off to a prison cell, and she +has to do it with streaming eyes. It was darned interesting. The boy is +standing with bowed head and the cop is looking sympathetic but firm, and +mother is putting something into her eyes out of a medicine dropper. I +whisper to Vida and she says it's glycerine for the tears. She holds her +head back when she puts 'em in and they run down her cheeks very lifelike +when she straightens up. + +So mother comes forward with her streaming face and they're all ready +to act when the grouch halts things and barks at the boy that he ain't +standing right. He goes up and shows him how to stand more shamefully. +But the tears on mother's face have dripped away and have to be renewed. +She was a nice, kind-appearing mother all right, but I noticed she looked +peeved when this delay happened. Vida explains that glycerine don't +damage the eyes really, but it makes 'em smart a lot, and this actress, +Miss St. Clair, has a right to feel mad over having to put in some more. + +But she does it, though with low muttering when the grouch calls "All +right, Miss St. Clair!" and is coming forward to act with this here +second batch of tears when the grouch stops it with another barking fit. +He barks at the policeman this time. He says the policeman must do more +acting. + +"You know you have a boy of your own," says he, "and how you'd hate to +have him arrested for this crime, but you're also remembering that law +is law and you're sworn to uphold it. Try to get that now. All ready, +Miss St. Clair--we're waiting for you, Miss St. Clair!" + +I'd watched this actress the second time her tears was spoiled and her +expression didn't fit a loving mother's face one bit. Her breath come as +in scenes of tense emotion, but she hotly muttered something that made +me think I must of misunderstood her, because no lady actress would say +it, let alone a kind old mother. However, she backs off and for the third +time has this medicine dropper worked on her smarting eyes. Once more +she comes forward with streaming eyes of motherly love, and I'm darned +if this grouch don't hold things up again. + +This time he's barking about a leather sofa against the far wall of the +humble home. He says it's an office sofa and where in something is the +red plush one that belongs to the set? He's barking dangerously at +everyone round him when all at once he's choked off something grand by +the weeping mother that has lost her third set of tears. She was wiping +glycerine off her face and saying things to the grouch that must of give +him a cold chill for a minute. I'm sometimes accused of doing things with +language myself, but never in my life have I talked so interestingly--at +least not before ladies. Not that I blamed her. + +Everyone kept still with horror till she run down; it seems it's a fierce +crime in that art to give a director what's coming to him. The policeman +and the erring son was so scared they just stood there acting their +parts and the grouch was frozen with his mouth half open. Probably he +hadn't believed it at first. Then all at once he smiled the loveliest +smile you ever seen on a human face and says in chilled tones: "That +will be all, Miss St. Clair! We will trouble you no further in this +production." His words sounded like cracking up a hunk of ice for the +cocktail shaker. Miss St. Clair then throws up her arms and rushes off, +shrieking to the limit of a bully voice. + +It was an exciting introduction for me to what they call the silent +drama. + +Then I looked at Vida and she was crying her eyes out. I guessed it was +from sympathy with the mother actress, but the grouch also stares at her +with his gimlet eyes and says: + +"Here, don't you waste any tears on her. That's all in the day's work." + +"I--wasn't thinking of her," sobs Vida. + +"Then what you crying for?" says he. + +"For that poor dear boy that's being dragged from his mother to prison +for some childish prank," she blubbers. + +Me, I laughed right out at the little fool, but the director didn't +laugh. + +"Well, I'll be damned!" says he in low, reverent tones. + +Then he begins to look into her face like he'd lost something there. Then +he backed off and looked into it a minute more. Then he went crazy all +over the place. + +"Here," he barks at another actress, "get this woman into your dressing +room and get the number five on her quick. Make her up for this part, +understand? You there, Eddie, run get that calico skirt and black-satin +waist off Miss St. Clair and hustle 'em over to Miss Harcourt's room, +where this lady will be making up. Come on now! Move! Work quick! We +can't be on this scene all day." + +Then, when everybody run off, he set down on the red plush sofa that was +now in place, relighted a cigar that smelled like it had gone out three +days before, and grinned at me in an excited manner. + +"Your little friend is a find," he says. "Mark my words, Mrs. Pettijohn, +she's got a future or I don't know faces. She'll screen well, and she's +one of the few that can turn on the tears when she wants to. I always +did hate glycerine in this art. Now if only I can get her camera +wise--and I'll bet I can! Lucky we'd just started on this piece when St. +Clair blew up. Only one little retake, where she's happy over her boy's +promotion in the factory. She's bound to get away with that; then if she +can get the water again for this scene it will be all over but signing +her contract." + +I was some excited myself by this time, you'd better believe. Nervous as +a cat I found myself when Vida was led out in the sad mother's costume by +this other actress that had made her up. But Vida wasn't nervous the +least bit. She was gayly babbling that she'd always wanted to act, and +once she had played a real part in a piece they put on at Odd Fellows' +Hall in Fredonia, and she had done so well that even the Methodist +minister said she was as good as the actress he saw in Lawrence Barrett's +company before he was saved; and he had hoped she wouldn't be led away by +her success and go on the real stage, because he could not regard it as a +safe pursuit for young persons of her sex, owing to there being so little +home life--and now what did she do first? + +This director had got very cold and businesslike once more. + +"Stop talking first," says he. "Don't let me hear another word from you. +And listen hard. You're sitting in your humble home sewing a button on +your boy's coat. He's your only joy in life. There's the coat and the +button half sewed on with the needle and thread sticking in it. Sit down +and sew that button on as if you were doing it for your own son. No +pretending, mind you. Sew it on as if--" + +He hesitated a minute and got a first-class inspiration. + +"Sew it on as if it was a button on your husband's coat that you told me +about. Every two or three stitches look up to show us how happy you are. +When you get it sewed, take the coat up this way and hug it. You look +still happier at that. Then you walk over to the mantel, pick up the +photograph of your boy that's there by that china dog and kiss it. I +won't tell you how to do that. Remember who he is and do it your own +way, only let us see your face. Then put back the picture slowly, go get +the coat, and start to the left as if you were going to hang it up in his +room; but you hear steps on the stair outside and you know your boy has +come home from work. We see that because your face lights up. Stand happy +there till he comes in. + +"You expect him to rush over to you as usual, but he's cast down; +something has happened. You get a shock of fright. Walk over to +him--slow; you're scared. Get your arms round him. He stiffens at +first, then leans on you. He's crying himself now, but you ain't--not +yet. You're brave because you don't know about this fight he's had with +the foreman that's after your boy's sweetheart for no good purpose. + +"Now go through it that far and see if you remember everything I told +you. When we get down to the crying scene after the officer comes on, +I'll rehearse you in that too, only for God's sake don't cry in the +rehearsal! You'll go dry. Now then! Coat--button--sewing. Goon!" + +Well, sir, I stood there trembling like a leaf while she went through +what he'd told her like she'd been at it all her life--or rather like it +was her dear Clyde's coat and her dear Clyde's photo and her dear Clyde +that come in the door. Then he rehearsed her in the end of the scene +where the cop comes on, and she got that, too, though alarming him +because she couldn't even rehearse it without crying. I could see this +director was nervous himself by this time, thinking she was too good to +be true. But he got her into the chair sewing again, all ready for the +real work. + +"Remember only three things," he says: "Don't look at this machine, move +slowly when you move at all, and don't try to act. Now then! Camera!" + +It was a historic occasion, all right. The lad at the camera begun to +turn a crank and Vida begun to act like she wasn't acting at all. The +director just give her a low word when she had to move. He didn't bark +now. And say, that crying scene! Darned if I didn't near cry myself +looking at her, and I heard this stonefaced director breathing mighty +short when she had to stand there with her hands clenched and watch +her boy go out the door with this cop. + +Vida was too excited to sleep that night. She said the director had +advised her privately not to make a contract just yet, because she would +get better terms when she'd showed 'em what she could really do. For +this picture she would get paid seventy-five dollars a week. A week, mind +you, to a girl that had been thinking herself lucky to get twelve in New +York. + +She was very let down and happy, and cried a little bit out of working +hours for me because it was all so wonderful, and her drowned boy might +be resting on some river bottom at that very moment. I said it was a safe +bet he was resting, wherever he was; but she didn't get it and I didn't +say it twice. + +And such was the beginning of Vida Sommers' glittering sob career in +the movies. She's never had but one failure and they turned that into a +success. It seems they tried her in one of these "Should a Wife Forgive?" +pieces in which the wife did not forgive, for a wonder, and she made a +horrible mess of it. She was fine in the suffering part, of course, only +when it come to not forgiving at the end--well, she just didn't know how +to not forgive. They worked with her one whole day, then had to change +the ending. She's said to be very noble and womanly in it. + +I went home next day, leaving her in pursuit of her art. But I got +glowing letters from her about every week, she doing new pictures and her +salary jumping because other film parties was naturally after so good +a weeper. And the next year I run down to see her. She was a changed +woman all right. She had a home or bungalow, a car, a fashionable dog, a +Jap cook, a maid and real gowns for the first time in her life. But the +changes was all outside. She was still the same Vida that wanted to +mother every male human on earth. She never seemed to worry about girls +and women; her idea is that they're able to look out for themselves, but +that men are babies needing a mother's protection as long as they live. + +And of course one of these men she had mothered down there had took a +base advantage of her--this same ugly old grouch of a director. She +locked the bedroom door and told me about it in horrified whispers the +first night I got there. She said it might of been her fault, that he +might of misunderstood something she had said about Clyde. And anyway +she'd ought to of remembered that some men are beasts at heart. + +Anyway, this infamous brute had come to the house one night and insulted +her in the grossest manner, and it was all true about moving-picture +directors having designs on unprotected females that work for 'em. +Yielding to his lowest brute instincts he had thrown decency to the winds +and made her such an evil proposition that she could hardly bear to put +it in words. But she did. It seems that the scoundrel had listened to +some studio gossip to the effect that she had divorced the husband who +deserted her, and so he come right out and said he had been deeply in +love with her ever since that first day on the train, and now that she +was free, would she marry him? + +Of course she was insulted to the limit and told him so in what would +probably of made a gripping scene of a good woman spurning the advances +of a moral leper. She overwhelmed him with scorn and horror for his foul +words. How dared he say her Clyde had deserted her, or think she would +ever divorce him! That showed, what a vile mind he must have. She said he +got awful meek and apologetic when he learned that she still clung to the +memory of Clyde, who would one day fight his way back to her if he hadn't +ended it all. She told him fully what a perfect man Clyde was, and she +said at last the ugly old wretch just grinned weakly at her in a very +painful way, like it hurt him, and said: "Oh, my dearest, you must try to +forgive me. I didn't know--I didn't know half the truth." Then he patted +her hand and patted her cheek and choked up and swallowed a couple of +times, and says he: + +"I was an old man dreaming and dreams make fools of old men!" + +Then he swallowed again and stumbled out through her garden where the +orange blossoms had just come. She said he'd never been offensive since +that time, barking as nasty to her as to any of the others when she was +acting, so that no one would dream what a foul heart he had, except that +he always kept a bunch of white roses in her dressing room. But she +hadn't cared to make him trouble about that because maybe he was +honestly trying to lead a better life. + +Some entertainment Vida give me, telling this, setting on her bed under a +light that showed up more lines than ever in her face. She was looking +close to forty now--I guess them crying scenes had told on her, and her +yearning for the lost Clyde--anyway she was the last woman on earth could +of got herself insulted even if she had tried her prettiest, only she +didn't know that. And she'd had her little thrill. We've all dreamed of +how we'd some day turn down some impossible party who was overcome by our +mere beauty. + +I said I'd always known this director was an unspeakable scoundrel, +because he insisted on calling me Mrs. Pettijohn. + +Then we had a nice talk about Clyde. She'd had no word for a year now, +the last being a picture card saying he would spend the winter in Egypt +with some well-known capitalists that wouldn't take no for an answer. +And did I believe he might now be wandering over the face of the earth, +sick and worn, and trying to get back to her; didn't I think some day he +would drag himself to her door, a mere wreck of his former self, to be +soothed at last on her breast? That was why she kept a light burning in +the front window of this here bungalow. He would know she had waited. + +Well, I'd never said a word against Clyde except in conversation with +myself, and I wasn't going to break out now. I did go so far as to hint +that an article that had come out about her in this same magazine might +draw Clyde back a little quicker than the light in the window. The +article said her salary was enormous. I thought its rays might carry. + +So I come home again and near a year later I get a telegram from Vida: +"Happy at last--my own has come home to me." I threw up my hands and +swore when I read this. The article had said her salary was seven hundred +and fifty dollars a week. + +The next winter I run down to see the happy couple. Vida was now looking +a good forty, but Clyde was actually looking younger than ever; not a +line nor a wrinkle to show how he had grieved for her, and not a sign of +writer's cramp from these three picture cards he had sent her in five +years. She'd been afraid he'd come back worn to the bone. + +But listen! By the time I got there Clyde was also drawing money. He'd +felt a little hurt at first to find his wife a common actress, and asked +to see her contract because you couldn't believe what you see in these +magazines. Then he'd gone round the lot and got to be an actor himself. +I gathered that he hadn't been well liked by the men at first, and two or +three other directors, when Vida insisted he should have a chance to act, +had put him into rough-house funny plays where he got thrown downstairs +or had bricks fall on him, or got beat up by a willing ex-prize fighter, +or a basket of eggs over his head, or custard pies in his perfect +features, with bruises and sprains and broken bones and so forth--I +believe the first week they broke everything but his contract. + +Anyway, when he begun to think he wasn't meant for this art, who steps in +but this same director that had made such a beast of himself with Vida? +He puts Clyde into a play in which Vida is the mother and Clyde is the +noble son that takes the crime on his shoulders to screen the brother of +the girl he loves, and it was an awful hit. Naturally Vida was never so +good before and Clyde proved to be another find. He can straighten up and +look nobler when he's wrongfully accused of a crime than any still actor +I ever see. He's got now to where they have to handle him with gloves +or he'd leave 'em flat and go with another company. Vida wrote me only +last week that they had a play for him where he's cast off on a desert +island with a beautiful but haughty heiress, and they have to live there +three months subsisting on edible foods which are found on all desert +islands. But Clyde had refused the part because he would have to grow +whiskers in this three months. He said he had to think of his public, +which would resent this hideous desecration. He thought up a bully way +to get out of it. He said he'd let the whiskers grow for a few scenes and +then find a case of safety razors washed ashore, so he could shave +himself just before the haughty millionaire's daughter confessed that she +had loved him from the first and the excursion steamer come up to rescue +'em. I believe he now admits frankly that he wrote most of the play, or +at least wrote the punch into it. A very happy couple they are, Clyde +having only one vice, which is candy that threatens his waistline. Vida +keeps a sharp watch on him, but he bribes people to sneak chocolate +creams into his dressing room. The last night I was there he sung +"Good-night, Good-night, Beloved!" so well that I choked up myself. + +Of course women are crazy about him; but that don't bother Vida a little +bit. She never wanted a husband anyway--only a son. And Clyde must have +had something wake up in his brain them years he was away. He had a queer +look in his eyes one night when he said to me--where Vida couldn't hear: +"Yes, other women have loved me, but she--she knows me and loves me!" +It's the only thing I ever heard him utter that would show he might be +above a pet kitten in intellect. + +And, of course, these letters he gets don't mean anything in his life but +advertising--Oh, yes! I forgot to tell you that his stage name is J. +Harold Armytage. He thought it up himself. And the letters coming in +by the bushel really make Vida proud. In her heart she's sorry for the +poor fools because they can't have as much of dear Clyde as she has. She +says she's never deserved her present happiness. I never know whether I +agree with her or not. + +She's a queer one. Darned if she don't make a person think +sometimes--listening to her chatter--that there must be something +kind of decent about human nature after all! + + + + +III + +RED GAP AND THE BIG-LEAGUE STUFF + + +I waited beside Ma Pettengill at the open door of the Arrowhead ranch +house. It was a moment of tranquil expectancy; presently we would be +summoned to the evening meal. Down by the barn a tired janizary pumped +water into a trough for two tired mules still in harness. Halfway down +the lane, before a mirror tacked to the wall beside the bunk-house door, +two men hurriedly combed their damp hair. Blackbirds were still noisy in +the poplars. In the field at our left a lazy lot of white-faced cattle, +large and placid, lolled or grazed on the new spring grass. + +Surveying these cattle with a fond eye--had she not that day refused all +of three hundred and twenty-five dollars a head for a score of these +pure-bred cows?--my hostess read me a brief lecture on the superior +fleshing disposition of the Hereford. No better rustler under range +conditions, said she, accumulating flesh at all ages, storing it in +seasons of plenty to draw on in seasons of want. Hadn't I noticed how +common cows got paunchy and how well the fat was distributed on the +pure-breds? + +I had not noticed, cows being more or less cows to me, but I was prepared +to look with deep respect upon any cow for which three hundred and +twenty-five dollars could be sanely refused, and I now did so. I was +told that I forgot their calves, which would be worth a hundred and sixty +dollars the day they were weaned. This made it all more impressive. I +looked respectfully again at the bulky creatures, though listening, too, +for the stealthy-stepping Lew Wee; a day in the thin spring air along a +rocky trout stream had made even cattle on the hoof suggestive. + +Ma Pettengill, with a last proud look at her jewels, swept the panoramic +camera of her eye round to the blacksmith shop on our right. Before it +were strewn the mutilated remains of four wood wagons. I had lately heard +the lady have words with Abner, the blacksmith, concerning repairs to +these. Abner himself had few of the words. They were almost entirely his +employer's. They were acutely to the effect that these here wagons would +be running again before the week was out or she would know the reason +why. The aggrieved Abner had tried to suggest that this reason she would +know would not be the right reason at all, because wasn't he already +working like a beaver? Possibly, said the lady. And beavers might be all +right in their place. What she needed at this precise time was someone +working like a blacksmith--someone! + +Over her shoulder she had flung the word at him, blackened with emphasis. + +"Any one hurt in the runaway?" I asked, observing her glance to linger +upon this snarl of wagon parts. + +"Four wagons was mortally hurt," said the lady, "but of course not a +mule skinner touched. Talk about charmed lives! Besides, they wasn't +accidents; they was just incidents. It was part of our winter sports." + +"I didn't know you had winter sports up here." + +"I didn't either till I got down to Red Gap last winter and found out +that was what we had been having. Here I been gritting along winter after +winter, calling it work, and come to find out it's what parties go a long +distance to indulge in and have to wear careful clothes for it. Yes, sir; +society is mad about it. Red Gap itself was mad about it last winter, +when it got a taste of the big-league stuff. Next winter I'll try to get +the real sporting spirit into this gang of sedentaries up here; buy 'em +uniforms and start a winter-sports club. Their ideal winter sport so far +is to calk up every chink in the bunk house, fill the air-tight stove +full of pitch pine and set down with a good book by Elinor Glyn. They +never been at all mad about romping out in the keen frosty air that sets +the blood tingling and brings back the roses to their wan cheeks. + +"Take last winter. Not knowing it was sport it seemed at times like +toil. First it snowed early and caught a lot of my cows and calves in +the mountains. While we sported round with these, working 'em down into +the valley, the weather changed. It snowed harder. Just oodles of the +most perfectly darling snow. Then distemper broke out among the saddle +horses. Then being already shorthanded, what does the fool vaquero boss +do but pick a splinter out of his thumb with a pin and get blood poison +enough to lay him off? Too much trouble for cussing. I tried that out +scientifically. So I had to get out and make a hand. If I heard someone +say I did as much as any three of these mollycoddles up here I'd just +simper in silence and look down. Only I wish I'd known it was a +fashionable winter sport. I'd of been more carefree. + +"Then come the best of our winter sports--wood hauling through the drifts +over a rocky road down the mountains. My lands, but it was jolly! On a +quiet day there'd be only one runaway, one wagon fetched to the shop in +sections, like a puzzle. Then another day all hands would seem to be +quite mad about the sport, and nothing but the skinners and the mules +would get back to camp that night--with the new outfit of harness and +the hoodlum wagon going back next morning to see what could be salvaged. + +"Finally we got the cows and calves home, got our wood in and started a +general rodeo for the dry stock--Nature's fleecy mantle getting thicker +every minute. And none of us ever suspecting that it was a sport only +the wealthy have a right to. If I'd suggested building an ice palace as +a sporty wind-up I'll bet the help wouldn't of took it right. Anyway, I +didn't. With everything under shelter or fence at last I fled down to Red +Gap, where I could lead a quiet life suitable to one of my years--where +I thought I could." + +From the doorway Lew Wee softly called, "You come now!" We both heard +him. Inside my hostess stealthily closed the door upon the gentle spring +night; closed and locked it. Furtively she next drew curtains over the +two windows. Then, candle in hand, she went lightly across the big living +room to a stern and businesslike safe that stands against the farther +wall. Kneeling before this she rapidly twirled the lock to a series of +mystic numbers and opened the formidable doors. + +"Leave us keep the home fires burning," said she impressively, and +withdrew from an exposed cavern a bottle of Scotch whisky. Standing +before the safe we drank chattily. We agreed that prohibition was a good +thing for the state of Washington. We said we were glad to deny ourselves +for the sake of those weaker natures lacking self-control, including Mr. +Bryan, whom the lady characterized as "just a water-spout." + +The bottle restored to security my hostess shut the thick doors upon it +and twirled the lock. Then she raised the curtains and reopened the door +to the innocent spring night, after which we sat to our meatless and +wheatless repast. In place of meat we sternly contented ourselves with +stewed chicken, certain of the Arrowhead fowls having refused to do their +bit in eggs and now paying the penalty in a crisis when something is +expected from everyone. In place of wheat we merely had corn muffins of a +very coaxing perfection. Even under these hardships I would patriotically +practice the gospel of the clean plate. + +As her exploring spoon wandered over the platter of half-submerged +chicken Ma Pettengill casually remarked that carefree Bohemians was +always the first to suffer under prohibition, and that you couldn't have +a really good Latin Quarter in a dry town. I let it go. I must always +permit her certain speeches of seeming irrelevance before she will +consent to tell me all. Thus a moment later as she lavished valuable +butter fat upon one of the spirituelle muffins she communicated the +further item that Cousin Egbert Floud still believed Bohemians was glass +blowers, he having seen a troupe of such at the World's Fair. He had, it +is true, known some section hands down on the narrow gauge that was also +Bohemians, but Bohemians of any class at all was glass blowers, and that +was an end of it. No use telling him different, once he gets an idea into +his poor old head. + +This, too, I let pass, overcome for the moment by the infatuating +qualities of the chicken stew. But when appetites, needlessly inflamed by +the lawless tippling, had at last been appeased and the lady had built +her first cigarette I betrayed a willingness to hear more of the hinted +connection between winter sports and Latin Quarters peopled by Bohemians, +glass-blowing or otherwise. The woman chuckled privately through the +first cigarette, adeptly fashioned another, removed to a rocking-chair +before the open fire and in a businesslike fervour seized a half-knitted +woollen sock, upon which she fell to work. + +She now remarked that there must be along the Front millions of sweaters +and wristlets and mufflers and dewdads that it looked well to knit in +public, so it seemed to be up to her to supply a few pairs of socks. She +said you naturally couldn't expect these here society dames that knitted +in theatres and hotel corridors to be knitting anything so ugly as socks, +even if they would know how to handle four needles, which they mostly +wouldn't; but someone had to do it. Without the slightest change of key +she added that it was a long story and painful in spots, but had a happy +ending, and she didn't know as she minded telling me. + +So I come down to Red Gap about December first hoping to hole up for +the winter and get thoroughly warmed through before spring. Little did +I know our growing metropolis was to be torn by dissension until you +didn't know who was speaking to who. And all because of a lady Bohemian +from Washington Square, New York City, who had crept into our midst +and started a Latin Quarter overnight. The first day I was downtown I +overheard two ladies saying something about the new Latin Quarter. That +mystified me, because I knew the town had been lidded tight since Lon +Price went out of office as mayor. Then I meet Mrs. Judge Ballard in the +Boston Cash Store and she says have I met a Miss Smith from New York who +is visiting here. I said I had not. It didn't sound exciting. Some way "a +Miss Smith" don't excite you overly, no matter where she hails from. So I +dismissed that and went on with my shopping. Next I meet Egbert Floud, +who is also down for the winter to rest beside a good coal stove, and we +ask each other what's the good word and is anything new. Cousin Egbert +says nothing is new in Red Gap except a Bohemian glass blower from +Grinitch Village, New York. He says he ain't seen her blow glass yet, +but he's going some night, because them Bohemian glass blowers down to +the fair was right fascinating, and don't I think Grinitch is a bum name +for a town? He says when I see this glass blower I'll feel like asking +animal, vegetable, or mineral, because he has seen her in the post office +with Metta Bigler and she looks like a nut. + +I tell the poor old zany he sounds simple-minded himself and I can't make +a lick of sense out of what he's said, except I know this village ain't +spelled that way. He's telling me that's the way it's spoken anyway, and +about how he brought home a glass watch chain that these Bohemians blowed +at the fair, when along come Metta Bigler herself and stops to shake +hands, so Cousin Egbert slinks off. + +I got to tell you about Metta. She's our artist; gives lessons in oil +painting and burnt wood and other refinements. People can take six +lessons off Metta and go home and burn all the Indian heads on leather +sofa pillows that you'd ever want to see. Also she can paint a pink fish +and a copper skillet and a watermelon with one slice cut out as good as +any one between here and Spokane. She's a perfectly good girl, falling on +thirty, refers to herself without a pang as a bachelor girl, and dresses +as quiet as even a school-teacher has to in a small town. + +Well, Metta rushes up to me now, all glowing and girlish, and says +I must come to her studio that very afternoon and meet her dear old +chum, Vernabelle Smith, that is visiting her from Washington Square, +New York. She and Vernabelle met when they were completing their art +education in the Latin Quarter of Chicago, and Vernabelle had gone down +to New York and got into all the new movements and among people who was +doing things, and was now very, very advanced being what you might call +an intellectual; but I would be sure to like her because she was so +delightfully Bohemian, not standing on ceremony but darting straight +to the heart of life, which is so complex to most of us who live within +convention's shell and never get in touch with the great throbbing centre +of things. She didn't say what things. It was a new line of chatter from +Metta. Usually she'd have been telling me her troubles with Chinese help, +or what a robber the Square Deal meat market was, or, at the most, how +her fruit-and-fish piece had carried off the first prize of twenty +dollars at the Kulanche County Fair. + +So I say I'll be sure to look in on her and her new friend. I reckoned +she must be the Miss Smith and the glass blower I'd already heard about +that morning. Of course "Miss Smith" didn't sound like much, but +Vernabelle Smith was different. That name Vernabelle made all the +difference in the world. You sort of forgot the ensuing Smith. + +That same afternoon about four P.M. I dropped round to the Bigler house. +Metta's mother let me in. She's a neat and precise old lady with careful +hair, but she looked scared as she let me in and led me to the door of +Metta's studio, which is a big room at the back of the house. She didn't +go in herself. She pulled it open and shut it on me quick, like it was a +lion's den or something. + +All the curtains was down, candles lighted, and the room not only hot but +full of cigarette smoke and smoke from about forty of these here punk +sticks that smoldered away on different perches. It had the smell of a +nice hot Chinese laundry on a busy winter's night. About eight or ten +people was huddled round the couch, parties I could hardly make out +through this gas attack, and everyone was gabbling. Metta come forward +to see who it was, then she pulled something up out of the group and said +"Meet dear Vernabelle." + +Well, she was about Metta's age, a short thirty, a kind of a slaty blonde +with bobbed hair--she'd been reached fore and aft--and dressed mostly in +a pale-blue smock and no stockings. Nothing but sandals. I could hardly +get my eyes off her feet at first. Very few of our justly famous sex can +afford to brave the public gaze without their stockings on. Vernabelle +could ill afford it. She was skinny, if you know what I mean, lots of +tendons and so forth, though I learned later that Vernabelle called it +being willowy. She had slaty-gray eyes and a pale, dramatic face with +long teeth and a dignified and powerful-looking nose. She was kind of +hungry-looking or soulful or something. And she wore about two yards of +crockery necklace that rattled when she moved. Sounded like that Chinaman +with his dishes out there in the kitchen. I learned later that this was +art jewellery. + +Vernabelle greeted me with many contortions like she was taking an +exercise and said she had heard so much about me and how interesting +it was to meet one who did things. I said I was merely in the cattle +business. She said "How perfect!" and clasped her hands in ecstasy over +the very idea. She said I was by way of being the ideal type for it. And +did I employ real cowboys; and they, too, must be fascinating, because +they did things. I said they did if watched; otherwise not. And did I +acquire an ascendancy over their rough natures. I said we quickly parted +forever if I didn't do that. Then she clanked across to the couch, where +she set down on her feet. I give her credit for that much judgment. That +girl never did just plain set down. It was either on one foot or on both +feet, or she draped herself along the furniture to show how willowy she +could be without its hurting. + +She now lighted a new cigarette from her old one and went on telling the +fish-faces about her how little colour she had found here. She said we +was by way of being a mere flat expanse in dull tints. But what could +be expected of a crude commercialism where the arts was by way of being +starved. Ah, it was so different from dear old Washington Square, where +one was by way of being at the heart of life. It took me some time to +get this by-way-of-being stuff, but the others was eating it up. Metta +Bigler hovered round proud as Lucifer and trying to smoke for the first +time in her life, though making poor work of it, like she was eating +the cigarette and every now and then finding bits she couldn't swallow, +and holding it off at arm's length in between bites. Mrs. Henrietta +Templeton Price was making better work of the cigarettes, and Beryl Mae +Macomber, a wealthy young society heiress and debutante, aged seventeen, +was saying that she had always felt this lack in Red Gap and would of +been in the movies long since if her aunt had listened to reason. The +only man present was Edgar Tomlinson, who is Red Gap's most prominent +first-nighter and does the Lounger-in-the-Lobby column for the Recorder, +reviewing all the new films in an able and fearless manner. Edgar was +looking like he had come into his own at last. He was wearing a flowing +tie and a collar that hardly come higher than his chest and big wind +shields on a black cord, and had his hair mussed up like a regular +Bohemian in a Sunday paper. Vernabelle was soon telling him how +refreshing it was to meet away out here one who was by way of doing +things, and she had read that very morning his review of the film +entitled A Sister of Sin, and had found it masterly in its clear-cut +analysis, but why did he waste himself here when the great world lay +open. Edgar thrust back his falling hair with a weary hand and tried to +look modest, but it was useless. Vernabelle devoted most of her chat to +Edgar. She was an incessant person but it seemed to take a man to bring +out all that was best in her. + +Pretty soon Metta went over to a table and brought back some glasses +of wine on a tray, of which all partook with more or less relish. I +recognized it from the bottle. It was elderberry wine that Metta's +mother had put up. You have to be resourceful in a dry state. + +"I'm afraid you'll all think me frightfully Bohemian," said Metta +proudly. + +Beryl Mae held her glass up to the light and said, "After all, does +anything in life really matter?" She appeared very blase in all her +desperate young beauty. She and Edgar Tomlinson looked as near right as +anything you'd see in Washington Square. Vernabelle said the true spirit +of Bohemia knew neither time nor place; it was wherever those gathered +who were doing things, and wasn't it splendid that even here in this +crude Western town a few of the real sort could meet and make their +own little quarter and talk about the big things, the lasting things! +Everyone said yes, quite so; and they all tried to handle their wine like +it was a rare old vintage. But you can't hold much wassail on the juice +of the elderberry; it ain't the most jocund stuff the world as fermented +by Metta's mother. + +However, it livened things up a bit and Vernabelle set down her glass and +chattered some more. She said after all life was anything but selective, +but didn't we think that all the arts rounded out one's appreciation +of the beautiful. Several said "How true--how true indeed!" and sighed +importantly. Then Metta said Vernabelle must show us some of her work and +Vernabelle said she could hardly bring herself to do that; but yet she +could and did, getting up promptly. She had designs for magazine covers +and designs for war posters and designs for mural decorations and designs +for oil paintings and so forth--"studies; crude, unfinished bits" she +called 'em, but in a tone that didn't urge any one else to call 'em that. + +It was mostly clouds and figures of females, some with ladies' wearing +apparel and many not, engaged in dancing or plucking fruit or doing up +their hair. Quite different stuff from Metta's innocent pictures of +kittens and grapes and daffodils. After everyone was put on the easel +Henrietta Templeton Price would stick her thumb up in the air and sight +across it with one eye shut and say "A stunning bit, that!" and the +others would gasp with delight and mutter to each other about its being +simply wonderful. + +Vernabelle listened in an all-too-negligent manner, putting in a tired +word or two now and then. She admitted that one or two was by way of +being precious bits. "Rather precious in an elemental way," she would +say. "Of course I am trying to develop the psychology of the line." +Everyone said "Oh, of course!" + +While she had one up showing part of a mottled nude lady who was smiling +and reaching one hand up over to about where her shoulder blades would +meet in the back, who should be let in on the scene but Lon Price and +Cousin Egbert Floud. Lon had called for Henrietta, and Cousin Egbert had +trailed along, I suppose, with glass blowing in mind. Vernabelle forgot +her picture and fluttered about the two new men. I guess Lon Price is a +natural-born Bohemian. He took to her at once. + +"Sit here and tell me all about yourself," says Vernabelle, and Lon did +so while the girl hung breathless on his words. In no time at all he was +telling her about Price's Addition to Red Gap, how you walk ten blocks +and save ten dollars a block and your rent money buys a home in this, +the choicest villa site on God's green earth. Vernabelle had sort of kept +hold of Cousin Egbert's sleeve with an absent hand--that girl was a man +hound if ever there was one--and pretty soon she turned from Lon to +Egbert and told him also to tell her all about himself. + +Cousin Egbert wasn't so glib as Lon. He looked nervous. He'd come +expecting a little glass blowing and here was something strange. He +didn't seem to be able to tell her all about himself. He couldn't start +good. + +"Tell me what you are reading, then," says Vernabelle; and Cousin Egbert +kind of strangled at this, too. He finally manages to say that he tried +to read Shakespere once but it was too fine print. The old liar! He +wouldn't read a line of Shakespere in letters a foot high. It just showed +that he, too, was trying to bluff along with the rest of 'em on this +Bohemian chatter. + +Vernabelle continued full of blandishment for the two men and poured 'em +out stiff hookers of this demon elderberry wine and lighted cigarettes +for 'em from hers. I don't know whether this beverage got to Lon Price +or not, but in a minute he was telling her that beauty in her sex was a +common-enough heritage, but how all-too rare it was to find beauty and +brains in the same woman! Vernabelle called him comrade after that, and +then she was telling Cousin Egbert that he was of the great outdoors--a +man's man! Egbert looked kind of silly and puzzled at this. He didn't +seem to be so darned sure about it. + +Then Vernabelle worked over by the easel--it took her about six attitudes +leaning against things, to get there--and showed her oil paintings to the +newcomers. Lon Price was full of talk and admiration and said she must +do a poster for him showing a creature of rare beauty up in the clouds +beckoning home-buyers out to Price's Addition, where it was Big Lots, +Little Payments, and all Nature seemed to smile. He said this figure, +however, had better have something in the shape of a garment on it +because the poster would go into homes where art in its broader extent +was still regarded in a suspicious or even hostile manner, if she caught +what he meant. The artist says she can readily understand, and that life +after all is anything but selective. + +Cousin Egbert just looked at the pictures in an uncomfortable manner. +He spoke only once and that was about the mottled lady reaching over +her shoulder and smiling. "Grinitch," says he with a knowing leer. But +Vernabelle only says, yes, it was painted in the dear old village. + +Then the crowd sort of got together on the couch and in chairs and +Vernabelle talked for one and all. She said how stimulating it was for a +few of the real people who did things to come together in this way after +the day's turmoil--to get away from it all! Beryl Mae said she had often +wanted to get away from it all, but her aunt was narrow-minded. Henrietta +Price lighted her ninth cigarette and said how it reminded her of the +Latin Quarter of Paris, which she had never been to, but her cousin had +spent a whole afternoon there once and had been simply wild about it. +Vernabelle said it was times like this, with a few real people, that she +got her biggest ideas; that life in the rough was too terribly a +labyrinth, didn't we think, stunning one with its immensity, while in +these dear little half-lighted moments the real came out unafraid, if +we understood what she meant. Many of us said we did. + +It was when we got up to go that Vernabelle told me things about Cousin +Egbert. She said he must have great reserve strength in his personality. +She said he fairly frightened her, he was so superbly elemental. + +"It is not so much Mr. Floud that frightens me," says she, "as the +inevitability of him--just beautifully that! And such sang fraw!" + +Poor Egbert was where he had to overhear this, and I had never seen him +less sang fraw--if that's the word. He looked more like a case of nettle +rash, especially when Vernabelle gripped his hand at parting and called +him comrade! + +We finally groped our way through the smoke of the door and said what a +lovely time we'd had, and Metta said we must make a practice of dropping +in at this hour. Vernabelle called us all comrade and said the time had +been by way of being a series of precious moments to her, even if these +little studio affairs did always leave poor her like a limp lily. Yep; +that's the term she used and she was draped down a bookcase when she said +it, trying to look as near as possible like a limp lily. + +The awestruck group split up outside. Nothing like this had ever entered +our dull lives, and it was too soon to talk about it. Cousin Egbert +walked downtown with me and even he said only a few little things. He +still called the lady a glass blower, and said if she must paint at all +why not paint family pictures that could be hung in the home. He said, +what with every barroom in the state closed, there couldn't be much +demand for them Grinitch paintings. He also said, after another block, +that if he owned this lady and wanted to get her in shape to sell he'd +put her out on short sand grass, short almost to the roots, where she'd +wear her teeth down. And a block later he said she hadn't ought to be +calling everyone comrade that way--it sounded too much like a German. +Still and all, he said, there was something about her. He didn't say +what. + +So now the Latin Quarter had begun, and in no time at all it was going +strong. It seemed like everybody had long been wanting to get away from +it all but hadn't known how. They gathered daily in Metta's studio, the +women setting round in smocks, they all took to wearing smocks, of +course, while hungry-eyed Vernabelle got the men to tell her all about +themselves, and said wasn't it precious that a few choice spirits could +thus meet in the little half-lighted hour, away from it all, and be by +way of forgetting that outer world where human souls are bartered in the +market place. + +Of course the elderberry wine was by way of giving plumb out after +the second half-lighted hour, but others come forward with cherished +offerings. Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale brought round some currant +wine that had been laid down in her cellar over a year ago, and Beryl Mae +Macomber pilfered a quart of homemade cherry brandy that her aunt had +been saving against sickness, and even Mrs. Judge Ballard kicked in with +some blackberry cordial made from her own berries, though originally +meant for medicine. + +Lon Price was a feverish Bohemian from the start, dropping in almost +every day to tell Vernabelle all about himself and get out of +convention's shell into the raw throb of life, as it was now being +called. Lon always was kind of light-minded, even after the state +went dry. He told Vernabelle he had a treasured keepsake hid away which +he would sacrifice to Bohemia at the last moment, consisting of one quart +bottle of prime old rye. And he was going to make over to her a choice +building lot in Price's Addition, right near the proposed site of the +Carnegie library, if Vernabelle would put up something snappy on it in +the way of a Latin Quarter bungalow. + +Lon also added Jeff Tuttle to the Bohemians the day that old horned toad +got down from his ranch. After going once Jeff said darned if he hadn't +been a Bohemian all his life and never knew what was the matter with him. +Vernabelle had him telling her all about himself instantly. She said he +was such a colourful bit, so virile and red-blooded, and she just knew +that when he was in his untamed wilderness he put vine leaves in his +hair and went beautifully barefoot. She said it wasn't so much him as the +inevitability of him. She'd said this about Cousin Egbert, too, but she +was now saying of this old silly that he had a nameless pathos that cut +to her artist's heart. It seems Cousin Egbert had gone round a couple +times more looking for glass blowing and getting disappointed. + +And there was new Bohemians every day. Otto Gashwiler, that keeps books +for the canning factory, and Hugo Jennings, night clerk of the Occidental +Hotel, was now prominent lights of the good old Latin Quarter passing +their spare moments there where they could get away from it all, instead +of shaking dice at the Owl cigar store, like they used to. And Oswald +Cummings of the Elite Bootery, was another. Oswald is a big fair-haired +lummox that sings tenor in the Presbyterian choir and has the young men's +Bible class in the Sabbath School. Vernabelle lost no time in telling +him that he was oh, so frankly a pagan creature, born for splendid sins; +and Otto seemed to believe it for a couple of weeks, going round absent +like as if trying to think up some sins that would be splendid, though +if any one but a Bohemian had told him this he'd have blushed himself to +death. It shows you what a hold Vernabelle was by way of getting on Red +Gap. + +It was sure one season of triumph for Metta Bigler, who lurked proudly +in the background as manager. Metta's mother wasn't near so thrilled as +Metta, though. She confided to me that Bohemians was a messy lot to clean +up after, raining cigarette ashes over everything; and also it was pretty +hard to have raised a child to Metta's age only to see her become a +cigarette fiend overnight, and having these mad revels with currant +wine and other intoxicants--and Metta was even using a lip stick! + +And Metta's mother wasn't the only one in town looking sidewise at these +Bohemian doings. There was them that held aloof from the beginning and +would give their bitter reasons at every opportunity. These was the +ultra-conservative element of the North Side set, and what they said +about the new Latin Quarter was a plenty. They said it was mostly an +excuse for drunken orgies in which all sense of decency was cast aside, +to say nothing of cigarettes being brazenly smoked by so-called ladies. +They said this here talk about getting away from it all meant the ruin +of the home upon which all durable civilization must be built; and as +for wives and mothers going round without their stockings look at what +befell proud Rome! And it was time something was done to stem this tide +of corruption. + +Mrs. Cora Wales and Mrs. Tracy Bangs, president and vice-president of our +anti-tobacco league, was the leaders of this movement and sent in a long +complaint to the chamber of commerce urging instant action or a foul blot +would be splashed on the fair name of our city, to say nothing of homes +being broken up. They was ably backed up in this move by a committee from +the civic purity league. + +And of course this added to the attractions of the Latin Quarter, giving +each Bohemian a new thrill. Vernabelle said it was by way of being +ancient history; that from time immemorial these little groups of choice +spirits who did things had been scorned and persecuted, but that every +true Bohemian would give a light laugh and pursue his carefree way, +regardless of the Philistine And so it went, venomous on both sides, but +with Vernabelle holding the bridge. She'd brought new stuff to town and +had a good working majority in favour of it. + +Downtown one day I met Metta in the Red Front grocery buying olives and +sardines in an excited way. I suppose it's for one of her unspeakable +orgies, but she tells me it's something special and I must be sure to +come. + +"Dear Vernabelle," she says, "has consented to give an evening cycle of +dance portrayals for just a few of the choicer spirits. I know there has +been dreadful talk about our little group, but this will be a stunning +bit and you are broad-minded, so do come." + +I could just see Vernabelle consenting, almost peevishly; but it sounded +like it might be disorderly enough, so I says I'll come if she promises +to leave at least one window down at the top, me not having a gas mask. + +Metta thinks a minute, then says she guesses she can leave one window +down a mite; not much, on account of the nature of Vernabelle's dance +costume. I says if such is to be the nature of her costume I'll come +anyway and risk being gassed. Metta chides me gravely. She says the +costume is perfectly proper to the artist eye, being a darling little +early Greek thing; built on simple lines that follow the figure, it is +true, yet suggest rather than reveal, and if the early Greeks saw no harm +in it why should we? I tell her to say no more, but reserve me a ringside +seat, though near a window if one can be opened; say, as far as the early +Greeks would have done at such a time, on account of the punk sticks. + +And of course I wouldn't miss it. I'm there at eight-thirty and find +quite a bunch of Latin Quarter denizens already gathered and full of +suppressed emotion. The punk sticks, of course, are going strong. +Vernabelle in a pink kimono says they supply atmosphere; which is the +only joke I ever heard her get off, if she knew it was one. Bohemians +Lon Price and Jeff Tuttle are hanging over the punch bowl, into which +something illegal has been poured. Jeff is calling Vernabelle little +woman and telling her if worse comes to worst they might try being +Bohemians on a mixture his men up on the ranch thought of for a New +Year's celebration. He says they took a whole case of vanilla extract +and mixed it with one dozen cans of condensed milk, the vanilla having +a surprising kick in it and making 'em all feel like the good old days +next morning. + +Vernabelle says he reminds her of some untamed creature of the open, +some woodsy monster of the dells, and Jeff says that's just what he feels +like. He's going on to tell her some more about what he feels like, but +Vernabelle is now greeting Oswald Cummings, the pagan of splendid sins, +from the Elite Bootery. She tells Oswald there is a cold cruelty in the +lines of his face that reminds her of the emperor Nero. + +Finally about twenty choice spirits who did things was gathered for this +half-lighted hour, so everybody set down on chairs and the couch and the +floor, leaving a clear space for Vernabelle; and Professor Gluckstein, +our music teacher, puts down his meerschaum pipe and goes to the piano +and plays a soft piece. The prof is a German, but not a pro-German, and +plays first rate in the old-fashioned way, with his hands. Then, when +all the comrades get settled and their cigarettes lighted, the prof +drifted into something quite mournful and Vernabelle appeared from +behind a screen without her kimono. + +The early Greeks must of been strong on art jewellery. Vernabelle clanked +at every step with bracelets and anklets and necklaces. She had a +priceless ruby weighing half a pound fastened to the middle of her +bony forehead. Her costume was spangled, but not many spangles had been +needed. The early Greeks couldn't of been a dressy lot. If Vernabelle had +been my daughter I could of give her what she deserved with almost no +trouble. The costume, as Metta had said, not only followed the lines +of the figure, so far as it went anywhere at all, but it suggested and +almost revealed that Vernabelle had been badly assembled. The Bohemians +kind of gasped and shivered, all except Jeff Tuttle, who applauded +loudly. They seemed to feel that Vernabelle was indeed getting away +from it all. + +Then came this here cycle-of-dance portrayals. The first one wasn't much +dance; it was mostly slow, snaky motions with the arms and other things, +and it was to portray a mother cobra mourning her first-born. At least +that's the way I understood it. Another one was called "The Striving +Soul," to which the prof played something livelier. Vernabelle went round +and round, lifting her feet high. It looked to me like she was climbing +a spiral staircase that wasn't there. Then she was a hunted fawn in a +dark forest and was finally shot through the heart by a cruel hunter--who +was probably nearsighted. And in the last one she was a Russian peasant +that has got stewed on vodka at the Russian county fair. This was the +best one. You couldn't see her so well when she moved quick. + +Of course there was hearty applause when it was all over, and pretty soon +Vernabelle come out again in her kimono. Panting like a tuckered hound +she was when the comrades gathered to tell her how wonderful she had +been. + +"That music tears me," says Vernabelle, putting her hands to her chest +to show where it tore. "That last maddening Russian bit--it leaves me +like a limp lily!" So she was led to the punch bowl by Comrades Price +and Tuttle, with the others pushing after and lighting cigarettes for +her. + +It was agreed that the evening had been a triumph for Vernabelle's art. +Almost every Bohemian present, it seemed, had either been tore or +maddened by that last Russian bit. + +Vernabelle was soon saying that if she had one message for us it was the +sacred message of beauty. Jeff Tuttle says, "You've certainly delivered +it, little woman!" Vernabelle says, oh, perhaps, in her poor, weak +way--she was being a limp lily against the piano then--but art is a +terrible master to serve, demanding one's all. Comrade Price says what +more could she give than she has to-night. And then, first thing I +know, they're all talking about an intimate theatre. + +This was another part of Vernabelle's message. It seems intimate theatres +is all the rage in New York, and the Bigler barn is just the place to +have one in. Vernabelle says they will use the big part where the hay +used to be and paint their own scenery and act their own plays and thus +find a splendid means of self-expression the way people of the real sort +are doing in large cities. + +Everyone is wild about this in a minute, and says how quaint and jolly +Bohemian it will be. The Bigler barn is just the place, with no horse +there since Metta bought one of the best-selling cars that ever came out +of Michigan, and Vernabelle says she has written a couple of stunning +little one-act pieces, too powerful for the big theatres because they go +right to the throbbing raw of life, and it will be an inspiration and +uplift to the community, of which all present can be proud. Lon Price +says he will furnish a good drop curtain free, painted with a choice +nine-room villa with just a line mentioning Price's Addition to Red Gap, +Big Lots, Little Payments. And he's quite hurt when Vernabelle tells him +no, that they must keep entirely out of the slime of commercialism. I +don't think Lon ever again felt the same toward Vernabelle--calling his +business slime, that way. + +However, the party broke up full of plans for the new intimate theatre, +leaving an empty punch bowl and a million cigarette ends. + +And right here was where the Philistine opposition braided feathers in +its hair and done a war dance. Members of the little group that did +things spoke freely the next day of Vernabelle's art in the dance and her +early Greek costume, taking a mean enjoyment in the horror they inspired +among pillars of the church and the civic purity league. It is probable +that in their artistic relish they endowed Vernabelle with even fewer +clothes than she had wore. At any rate, they left a whole lot to be +inferred, and it promptly was inferred. + +The opposition now said this was no job for a chamber of commerce; it +had become a simple matter for the police. The civic purity league had +a special meeting at which the rind was peeled off Vernabelle's moral +character, and the following Sabbath one of the ministers gave a hot +sermon in which the fate of Babylon and a few other undesirable residence +centres mentioned in the Bible was pointed out. He said that so-called +Bohemia was the gateway to hell. He never minced his words, not once. + +And the Latin Quarter come in for some more shock assaults when the +talk about an intimate theatre in the Bigler barn got out. The regular +theatre was bad enough, said the civic purity league; in fact, they had +started a campaign against that the month before, right after a one-night +engagement of the Jolly Paris Divorcees Burlesque Company, which, I +gathered, had not upheld the very highest standards of dramatic art. +And if the town was going to stand for anything more intimate than this +show had provided, why, it was time for drastic action if any wholesome +family life was to be saved from the wreck. + +Feeling ran high, I want to tell you, and a few of the younger set fell +out of the ranks of good old Bohemia--or was yanked out. Luella Stultz's +father, who is old-fashioned, it was said, had give Luella a good licking +for smoking cigarettes, and old Jesse Himebaugh had threatened his +daughter Gussie with the reform school if she didn't stop trying to get +away from it all. Even Beryl Mae's aunt put her foot down. Beryl Mae met +me in the post office one day and says auntie won't let her be a Bohemian +any more, having threatened to take her new ukulele away from her if she +goes to that Latin Quarter another single time; and poor Beryl Mae having +hoped to do a Hawaiian dance in native costume for the intimate theatre, +where it wouldn't be misunderstood! + +Things was just in this shape, with bitterness on every side and old +friends not speaking, and the opposition passing the Bohemians on the +street with the frown of moral disgust, and no one knowing how it would +all end, when I hear that Cora Wales has a niece coming from New York to +visit her--a Miss Smith. I says to myself, "My lands! Here's another Miss +Smith from New York when it looks to me like the one we got is giving us +a plenty of the big league stuff." But I meet Cora Wales and learn that +this one's first name is Dulcie, which again seemed to make a difference. + +Cora says this Dulcie niece is one of New York's society leaders and +she's sorry she invited her, because what kind of a town is it in which +to introduce a pure young girl that never smoked or drank in her life and +whose people belong to one of the very most exclusive churches in the +city. She had hoped to give Dulcie a good time, but how can she sully +herself with any of our young people that have took up Bohemianism? She +being fresh from her social triumphs in New York, where her folks live +in one of the very most fashionable apartment houses on Columbus Avenue, +right in the centre of things and next to the elevated railway, will +be horrified at coming to a town where society seems to be mostly a +little group of people who do things they hadn't ought to. + +Dulcie is a dear girl and very refined, everything she wears being +hand embroidered, and it would of been a good chance for Red Gap to get +acquainted with a young society girl of the right sort, but with this +scandal tearing up the town it looks like the visit will be a failure +for all parties. + +I tell Cora on the contrary it looks like a good chance to recall the +town to its better self. If this here Dulcie is all that is claimed for +her she can very probably demolish the Latin Quarter and have us all +leading correct society lives in no time, because the public is fickle +and ever ready for new stuff, and as a matter of fact I suspect the Latin +Quarter is in a bad way because of everything in town of an illegal +character having been drunk up by the comrades. Me? I was trying to get +some new life into the fight, understand, being afraid it would die +natural and leave us to a dull winter. + +Cora's eyes lighted up with a great hope and she beat it off to the +Recorder office to have a piece put in the paper about Dulcie's coming. +It was a grand piece, what with Cora giving the points and Edgar +Tomlinson writing it. It said one of Gotham's fair daughters would winter +in our midst, and how she was a prominent society leader and an ornament +of the fast hunting set, noted for her wit and beauty and dazzling +costumes, and how a series of brilliant affairs was being planned in her +honour by her hostess and aunt, Mrs. Leonard Wales, Red Gap's prominent +society matron and representative of all that was best in our community, +who would entertain extensively at her new and attractive home in Price's +Addition. And so forth. + +I'm bound to say it created a flurry of interest among the younger +dancing set, and more than one begun to consider whether they would +remain loyal to Bohemia or plunge back into society once more, where +stockings are commonly wore, and smoking if done at all is hurriedly +sneaked through out on the porch or up in the bathroom. + +From Cora's description I was all prepared to find Dulcie a tall, +stately creature of twenty-eight, kind of blase and haggard from her +wearing social duties in New York. But not so. Not so at all. Cora had +invitations out for a tea the day after Dulcie come; invitations, that +is, to the non-Bohemians and such as had reformed or give good signs of +it. I don't know which head I got in under. And this Dulcie niece was +nothing but a short, fat, blond kid of seventeen or eighteen that had +never led any society whatever. You could tell that right quick. + +She was rapidly eating cream-cheese sandwiches when I was presented to +her. I knew in one look that society had never bothered Dulcie any. +Victuals was her curse. In the cattle business it ain't riding +disrespectful horses that gets you the big money; it's being able to +guess weights. And if Dulcie pulled a pound less than one hundred and +eighty then all my years of training has gone for naught. She was +certainly big-framed stock and going into the winter strong. Between +bites of sandwich, with a marshmallow now and then, she was saying that +she was simply crazy about the war, having the dandiest young French +soldier for a godson and sending him packages of food and cigarettes +constantly, and all the girls of her set had one, and wasn't it the +darlingest idea. + +And her soldier was only twenty-two, though his beard made him look more +mature, and he wrote such dandy letters, but she didn't suppose there +would ever be anything between them because papa was too busy with his +coal yard to take her over there. + +As the girl chattered on it didn't seem to me that our Latin Quarter was +in the slightest danger from her. Still, some of the girls that was there +seemed quite impressed or buffaloed by her manner. One idea she give out +now was new in Red Gap. She had all her rings named after meals. She had +a breakfast ring and a dinner ring and a supper ring and a banquet ring, +and Daisy Estelle Maybury admired the necklace she had on, and Dulcie +said that was a mere travelling necklace; and how did they like this cute +little restaurant frock she was wearing? A little dressmaker over on +Amsterdam Avenue had turned it out. All the parties she dealt with, +apparently, was little. She had a little dressmaker and a little hair +woman and a little manicure and a little florist, and so forth. She'd +et five cream-cheese sandwiches by this time, in spite of its being quite +painful for her to pick up a dropped napkin. Dulcie didn't fold over +good. You could tell here was a girl that had never tried to get away +from it all. She wanted to be right where it was. + +Pretty soon one of the girls said something about the Bohemians of the +Latin Quarter, probably aiming to show this New York chatterbox that Red +Gap wasn't so far west as it looked. But Dulcie gave 'em the laugh. She +said oh, dear, New York society had simply quit taking up Bohemians, it +not being considered smart any longer, and did we really take them up +here? The girls backed up at this. And Dulcie went on being superior. She +said of course society people now and then made up a party and went down +to Washington Square to look them over, but as for taking them up, oh, +dear, no! It was more like a slumming party. One could stare at them, +but one simply didn't know them. + +And perhaps, if she could get Aunt Cora to chaperon them, they might make +up one of these slumming parties some evening and go down to Red Gap's +Latin Quarter; it might be amusing. Cora Wales glistened at this. She +said she guessed people could now see how such goings-on were regarded by +society in the true sense of the word. And it did give the girls a chill, +calling the Bigler home a slum. But I still didn't see any stuff in +Dulcie to vanquish Vernabelle. + +And I didn't see it a minute later when Dulcie wolfed her tenth +marshmallow and broke out about winter sports. She first said what +perfectly darling snow we had here. This caused some astonishment, no +one present having ever regarded snow as darling but merely as something +to shovel or wade through. So Dulcie pronged off a piece of sticky +chocolate cake and talked on. She said that everyone in New York was +outdooring, and why didn't we outdoor. It was a shame if we didn't go +in for it, with all this perfectly dandy snow. New York people had to +go out of town for their winter sports, owing to the snow not being good +for sport after it fell there; but here it was right at hand, and did we +mean to say we hadn't organized a winter-sports club. + +No one spoke, for no one could guess what you did to outdoor properly. +About all they could think of was hustling out after another chunk for +the fireplace or bringing a scuttle of coal up from the cellar. But they +soon got the idea. Dulcie said right from this window she could see a +corking hill for a toboggan slide, and it would be perfectly darling to +be out there with plenty of hot coffee and sandwiches; and there must be +some peachy trips for snowshoe parties with sandwiches and coffee at the +end; or skating in the moonlight with a big bonfire and coffee and +sandwiches. + +She suggested other things with coffee and sandwiches and finally got +up some real enthusiasm when she said she had brought some of the dearest +sport toggery with her. The girls was excited enough when they found out +you had to dress especial for it. They was willing to listen to anything +like that if New York society was really mad about it, even if it +conflicted with lifelong habits--no one in Red Gap but small boys +having ever slid downhill. + +And still I didn't suspect Dulcie was going to groundsluice Vernabelle. +It looked like the Latin Quarter would still have the best of it, at +least during a cold winter. Which goes to show that you can't tell what +society will go mad about, even in Red Gap, when you can dress for it. + +The girls had got a line on Dulcie and was properly impressed by her, and +then with an evening affair at the Wales home the dancing men had their +chance. Even some of the Bohemians was let to come, just to have 'em see +that there was indeed a better life; and reports of Dulcie was such that +all took advantage of it. The male sex was strong for the girl at once. +She didn't know that life is anything but selective, or that all the arts +round out one's appreciation of the beautiful, or that anything was "by +way of being" something. But all the food she took didn't make her +torpid; she giggled easily and had eyes like hothouse grapes, and in +spite of her fat there was something about her, like Cousin Egbert said +of Vernabelle. Anyway, she prevailed. Oswald Cummings, the pagan, for +one, quickly side-stepped his destiny of splendid sins, and Hugo Jennings +told Dulcie he had merely gone to this Latin Quarter as he would go to an +animal show, never having meant for one moment to take Bohemians up, any +more than New York society would. + +First thing I hear, the winter-sports club has been organized, snowshoes +sent for and a couple of toboggans, and a toboggan slide half a mile +long made out in Price's Addition, starting at the top of the highest +hill, where Lon's big board sign with the painted bungalow made a fine +windshield, and running across some very choice building lots to the +foot of the grade, where it stopped on the proposed site of the Carnegie +Library. Lon was very keen about the sport himself after meeting Dulcie, +and let a fire be built near his sign that burned it down one night, but +he said it was all good advertising, more than he'd ever got out of being +a Bohemian. + +Of course there was a great deal of fuss about the proper sport toggery, +but everyone got rigged out by the time the toboggans got there. Dulcie +was a great help in this and was downtown every day advising one or +another about the proper sweaters or blanket coats or peaked caps with +tassels, or these here big-eyed boots. You'd meet her in a store with +Stella Ballard, eating from a sack of potato chips; and half an hour +later she'd be in another store with Daisy Estelle Maybury, munching from +a box of ginger wafers; with always a final stop at the Bon Ton Kandy +Kitchen for a sack of something to keep life in her on the way home. +There really got to be so much excitement about winter sports that you +hardly heard any more talk about the Latin Quarter. People got to +speaking to each other again. + +By the opening day of the sports club you wouldn't of thought any one in +town had ever tried to get away from it all. Even them that thought it +crazy came and stood round and said so. Cousin Egbert Floud said this +Dulcie was some sparrow, but nutty--going out in the cold that way when +nothing drove her out. Dulcie made a great hit with the club this first +day, having the correct Canadian toggery and being entirely fearless in +the presence of a toboggan. She'd zip to the bottom, come tramping back, +shooting on all six, grab a sandwich--for not a morsel of food had passed +her lips since she went down the time before--and do it all over again. +And every last ex-Bohemian, even Edgar Tomlinson, fighting for the chance +to save her from death by starvation! Dulcie played no favourites, being +entranced with 'em all. She said they was the dearest gentleman friends +she'd ever had. The way they was fighting for her favours she could of +called 'em her gentleman frenzy. Ain't I the heinous old madcap, thinking +of jokes like that? + +Next day there was a snowshoe trip up to Stender's spring and back by way +of the tie camp. Dulcie hadn't ever snowshoed and it wasn't any light +matter when her shoes threw her down--requiring about three of the +huskiest boys to up-end her--but she was game and the boys was game and +she was soon teaching snowshoeing shoes how to take a joke. And from that +on winter sports ruled in Red Gap. The chamber of commerce even talked of +building an ice palace next year and having a carnival and getting the +town's name in the papers. Oh, there certainly must of been a surprised +lot of snow round there that winter. Nothing like this had ever happened +to it before. + +And all being done on nothing stronger than coffee, with hardly a +cigarette and never anything that was by way of being a punk stick in a +closed room. It was certainly a lot healthier than a Latin Quarter for +these young people, and for the old ones, too. Dulcie had sure put one +large crimp into Bohemia, even if she could not be justly called an +intellectual giantess. + +And Vernabelle knew who to blame, too, when the little group quit coming +round to get away from it all. She knew it was Dulcie. She said that +Dulcie seemed to be a pampered society butterfly that devoted all her +thoughts to dress. This was repeated to Dulcie by an ex-Bohemian, but she +found no poison in it. She said of course she devoted all her thoughts to +dress; that a young girl with her figure had to if she ever expected to +get anywhere in the world. + +Even ex-comrade Lon Price would now shut his office at four o'clock every +day and go up on the hill and outdoor a bit, instead of getting away from +it all in a smoky Bohemian way. Besides he'd had a difference of opinion +with Vernabelle about the poster she was doing for him, the same being +more like an advertisement for some good bath soap, he said, than for +choice villa sites. + +"I don't know anything about art," says Lon, "but I know what my wife +likes." Which left Vernabelle with another design on her hands and +brought Comrade Price out of Bohemia. + +Even if Dulcie's winter sports hadn't done the trick I guess it would of +been done easy by her report that Bohemians was no longer thought to be +smart in New York, Red Gap being keenly sensitive in such matters. Metta +Bigler's mother firmly turned out the half-lights in Bohemia when she +heard of this talk of Dulcie's. I don't blame her. She didn't one bit +relish having her neat home referred to as a slum, say nothing of having +her only child using a lip stick and acting like an abandoned woman with +cigarettes and the wine cup. + +She said just that to me, Metta's mother did. She said she had heard that +New York was all broken up into social sets, the same way Red Gap is, and +if Bohemians wasn't being took up by the better element in New York, then +they shouldn't be took up by the better element of Red Gap--at least not +in any home of which the deed was still in her name. She said of course +she couldn't keep Metta's guest from being a Bohemian, but she would have +to be it alone. She wasn't going to have a whole mob coming round every +day and being Bohemians all over the place, it being not only messy but +repugnant alike to sound morality and Christian enlightenment. And that +settled it. Our town was safe for one more winter. Of course God only +knows what someone may start next winter. We are far off from things, +but by no means safe. + +Cousin Egbert was kind of sorry for Vernabelle. He said if she'd just +stuck to plain glass blowing she might of got by with it. He's a wonder, +that man--as teachable as a granite bowlder. + +My Godfrey! Ten-thirty, and me having to start the spring sport of ditch +cleaning to-morrow morning at seven! Won't I ever learn! + + + + +IV + +VENDETTA + + +By the evening lamp in the Arrowhead living room I did my bit, for the +moment, by holding a hank of gray wool for Ma Pettengill to wind. While +this minor war measure went forward the day's mail came. From a canvas +sack Lew Wee spilled letters and papers on the table. Whereupon the yarn +was laid by while Ma Pettengill eagerly shuffled the letters. She thought +fit to extenuate this eagerness. She said if people lived forever they +would still get foolishly excited over their mail; whereas everyone +knew well enough that nothing important ever came in it. To prove this +she sketched a rapid and entirely unexciting summary of the six unopened +letters she held. + +One of them, she conceded, might be worth reading; and this she laid +aside. Of the remaining five she correctly guessed the contents of four. +Of the fifth she remarked that it would be from a poor feckless dub with +a large family who had owed her three hundred dollars for nine years. She +said it would tell a new hard-luck tale for non-payment of a note now due +for the eighth time. Here she was wrong. The letter inclosed a perfectly +new note for four hundred and fifty dollars; and would Mrs. Pettengill +send on the extra one hundred and fifty dollars that would enable the +debtor to get on his feet and pay all his debts, as there was a good +season of hog buying ahead of him! + +"I guessed wrong," admitted the lady. "I certainly did that little man an +injustice, not suspecting he could think up something novel after nine +years." Grimly she scanned the new note. "As good as a treaty with +Germany!" she murmured and threw it aside, though I knew that the old +note and the new hundred and fifty would go forward on the morrow; for +she had spoken again of the debtor's large family. She said it was +wonderful what good breeders the shiftless are. + +"Ain't I right, though, about the foolish way people fly at their mail?" +she demanded. "You might think they'd get wise after years and years +of being fooled; but--no, sir! Take me day after to-morrow, when the +next mail comes. I'll fall on it like I fell on this, with all my old +delusions uninjured. There sure does seem to be a lot of human nature +in most of us." + +Then she opened the possibly interesting letter that had been put aside. +The envelope, at least, was interesting, bearing as it did the stamp of +a military censor for the American Expedition to France. + +"You remember Squat Tyler, that long cow-puncher working for me when you +were here last time?" + +I remembered Squat, who was indeed a long cow-puncher--long enough to be +known, also, to his intimates as Timberline. + +"Well, Squat is over there in the trenches helping to make the world a +pleasant place to live in. He's a good shot, too." + +The lady read the letter hurriedly to herself; then regaled me with bits +of it. + +"The life here is very," she read. "That's all he says, at first--'The +life here is very.' I should judge it might be that from what I read in +the papers. Or mebbe he couldn't just think of the word. Let's see! +What else? Oh, yes--about digging. He says he didn't take to digging at +first, not having gone there for any common purpose, but one day he was +told to dig, and while he was thinking up something to say a million guns +began to go off; so he dug without saying a word. Hard and fast he says +he dug. He says: 'If a badger would of been there he would of been in my +way.' I'll bet! Squat wouldn't like to be shot at in all seriousness. +What next? Here he says I wouldn't dream what a big outfit this here U.S. +outfit is; he says it's the biggest outfit he ever worked for--not even +excepting Miller & Lux. What next? Oh, yes; here he tells about getting +one. + +"'Last night I captured a big fat enemy; you know--a Heinie. It was as +dark as a cave, but I heard one snooping close. I says to my pardner I +keep hearing one snoop close; and he says forget it, because my hive is +swarming or something; and I says no; I will go out there and molest that +German. So I sneaked over the bank and through our barbed-wire fence that +everyone puts up here, and out a little ways to where I had heard one +snoop; and, sure enough--what do you think? He seen me first and knocked +my gun out of my hands with the butt of his. It got me mad, because it is +a new gun and I am taking fine care of it; so I clanched him'--that's +what Squat says, clanched. 'And, first, he run his finger into my right +eye, clear up to the knuckle it felt like; so I didn't say a word, but +hauled off quick and landed a hard right on the side of his jaw and +dropped him just like that. It was one peach I handed him and he slumped +down like a sack of mush. I am here to tell you it was just one punch, +though a dandy; but he had tried to start a fight, so it was his own +fault. So I took all his weapons away and when he come alive I kicked him +a few times and made him go into the U.S. trenches. He didn't turn out to +be much--only a piano tuner from Milwaukee; and I wish it had of been a +general I caught snooping. I certainly did molest him a-plenty, all +right. Just one punch and I brought him down out of control. Ha! Ha! The +life here is very different.' + +"There; that must of been what he tried to say at the beginning--'The +life here is very different.' I should think he'd find it so, seeing the +only danger that boy was ever in here was the sleeping sickness." + +Hereupon the lady removed the wrapper from a trade journal and scanned +certain market quotations. They pleased her little. She said it was +darned queer that the war should send every price in the world up but the +price of beef, beef quotations being just where the war had found them. +Not that she wanted to rob any one! Still and all, why give everyone a +chance but cattle raisers? She muttered hugely of this discrimination +and a moment later seemed to be knitting her remarks into a gray sock. +The mutterings had gradually achieved the coherence of remarks. And I +presently became aware that the uninflated price of beef was no longer +their burden. + +They now concerned the singular reticence of all losers of fist fights. +Take Squat's German. Squat would be telling for the rest of his life how +he put that Wisconsin alien out with one punch. But if I guessed the +German would be telling it as often as Squat told it I was plumb foolish. +He wouldn't tell it at all. Losers never do. Any one might think that +parties getting licked lost their powers of speech. Not so with the +winners of fights; not so at all! + +At this very minute, while we sat there in that room at a quarter past +eight, all over the wide world modest-seeming men were telling how they +had licked the other man with one punch, or two or three at the most. It +was being told in Kulanche County, Washington, and in Patagonia and +Philadelphia and Africa and China, and them places; in clubs and lumber +camps and Pullman cars and ships and saloons--in states that remained +free of the hydrant-headed monster, Prohibition--in tents and palaces; in +burning deserts and icy wastes. At that very second, in an ice hut up by +the North Pole, a modest Eskimo was telling and showing his admiring wife +and relatives just how he had put out another Eskimo that had come round +and tried to start something. Which was another mystery, the man winning +the fight being always put upon and invariably in the right. In every one +of these world-wide encounters justice always prevailed and only the +winner talked about it afterward. + +"And lots of times," continued the lady, "this talkative winner has been +set upon by as many as three others. But he licks 'em all. Sometimes he +admits he had a little luck with the third man; but he gets two of the +cowards easy. Why, down in Red Gap only the other night I saw a kind of a +slight young man in a full-dress suit lick three big huskies that set on +him. He put two out with a punch apiece and got the third after about one +round of sparring. There he stood winner over all three, and hardly his +hair mussed; and you wouldn't of thought in the beginning that he could +lick one of the bunch. It was a good picture, all right, with this fight +coming in the first reel to start things off lively. But what I want to +know is why, out of these million fights that come off, you never hear a +word out of a loser! I'll bet all my Liberty Bonds right now that you +never yet heard a man tell about how he was licked in a fair fight." + +I had to decline the wager. The most I could submit was that I had heard +some plausible excuses. The lady waved her entire knitting in +deprecation. + +"Oh, excuses! You hear 'em a-plenty when the loser can't deny he was +licked. Most losers will odd things along till they sound even. I heard a +lovely excuse down in Red Gap. Hyman Leftowitz, who does business there +as Abercrombie, the Quality Tailor, made a suit for Eddie Pierce that +drives the depot hack, and Eddie was slow pay. So Hyman lost his native +tact one night and dunned Eddie when he was walking down Fourth Street +with his girl. Eddie left his girl in at the Owl Drug Store and went back +and used Hyman hard; and all Hyman did was to yell 'Help!' and 'Murder!' +I was in his shop for a fitting next day and Hyman's face arrested the +attention much more than usual. It showed that Eddie had done something +with him. So I says: 'Why didn't you fight back? What was your fists +for?' And Hyman says: 'I pledge you my word I didn't know it was a +fight.' Oh, excuses--sure! But that ain't what I'm getting at. You've +heard the winners talk, like we all have, how they did it with the good +old right hook to the jaw, or how they landed one straight left and all +was over; but did you ever hear any talk from a loser without excuses, +one who come out plain and said he was licked by a better man?" + +We debated this briefly. We agreed that the reticence of losers is due +to something basic in human nature; a determination of the noblest sort +to disregard failure--that is, Ma Pettengill said you couldn't expect +everything of human nature when it had its earrings in, and I agreed in +as few words as would suffice. I had suddenly become aware that the woman +was holding something back. The signs in her discourse are not to be +mistaken. I taxed her with this. She denied it. Then she said that, even +if she was holding back something, it was nothing to rave about. Just an +anecdote that this here talk about fighting characters had reminded her +of. She wouldn't of thought of it even now if Ben Steptoe hadn't told her +last spring why he didn't lick his Cousin Ed that last time. And this +here Ed Steptoe was the only honest male she had ever known. But that +was because something was wrong in his head, he being a born nut. And +it wasn't really worth going back over; but--well--she didn't know. +Possibly. Anyway-- + +These Steptoe cousins come from a family back in the East that was remote +kin to mine and they looked me up in Red Gap when they come out into the +great boundless West to carve out a name for themselves. About fifteen +years ago they come. Ben was dark and short and hulky, with his head +jammed down between his shoulders. Ed was blond and like a cat, being +quick. Ben had a simple but emphatic personality, seeing what he wanted +and going for it, and that never being more than one thing at a time. Ed +was all over the place with his own aspirations and never anything long +at a time; kind of a romantic temperament, or, like they say in stories, +a creature of moods. He was agent for the Home Queen sewing machine when +he first come out. But that didn't mean sewing machines was his life +work. He'd done a lot of things before that, like lecturing for a +patent-medicine professor and canvassing for crayon portraits with a +gold frame, and giving lessons in hypnotism, and owning one-half or +a two-headed pig that went great at county fairs. + +Ben had come along the year before Ed and got a steady job as brakeman +on the railroad, over on the Coeur d'Alene Branch. He told me he was +going to make railroading his life work and had started in at the bottom, +which was smart of him, seeing he'd just come off a farm. They probably +wouldn't of let him start in at the top. Anyway, he was holding down his +job as brakeman when Ed sailed in, taking orders for the Home Queen, and +taking 'em in plenty, too, being not only persuasive in his methods but +a wizard on this here sewing machine. He could make it do everything +but play accompaniments for songs--hemming, tucking, frilling, fancy +embroidering. He knew every last little dingus that went on it; things +I certainly have never learned in all my life, having other matters on my +mind. He'd take a piece of silk ribbon and embroider a woman's initials +on it in no time at all, leaving her dead set to have this household +treasure. + +But Ed had tired of sewing machines, like he had of hypnotism and the +double-headed Berkshire; and he never kept at anything a minute after it +quit exciting him. Ben come down to Red Gap to see his cousin and they +had quite a confab about what Ed should next take up for his life work. +Ben said it was railroading for his, and some day he'd be a general +manager, riding round in his private car and giving orders right and +left, though nothing but a humble brakeman now, and finally he talked Ed +into the same exalted ambitions. Ed said he had often wanted to ride in a +private car himself, and if it didn't take too long from the time you +started in he might give railroading a chance to show what it could do +for him. Ben said all right, come over with him and he'd get him started +as brakeman, with a fine chance to work up to the top. + +So, after infesting a few more houses with the Home Queen, Ed went +into his new profession. He told me, the last thing, that, even if he +didn't stick till he got to the top, it was, anyway, a fine chance for +adventure, which was really the thing he had come west of Chicago for. +He said night and day he pined for adventure. + +He got his adventure right soon after the company's pay roll was adorned +with his name. He'd been twisting up brakes on freight cars for ten days +till the life looked tame to him, even with a private car at the end, +and then all his wildest dreams of adventure was glutted in something +like four minutes and thirty seconds. On this eleventh day after he'd +begun at the bottom he started to let two big freight cars loaded with +concentrates down the spur track, from one of the mines at Burke, having +orders to put 'em where the regular train for Wallace could pick 'em up. +Burke is seven miles up the canon from Wallace and the grade drops two +hundred and thirty-five feet to the mile, being a masterpiece of +engineering. Ed gets his two cars to the main line, all right, whistling +a careless ditty. Then when they should of stopped they did not. They +kept sneaking and creaking along on him. He couldn't get the brake of +the forward car up very tight, and in setting the brake of the rear car, +with a brakeman's stick for a lever, he broke the chain. Then his two +cars really started out looking for adventure. + +Ed admits that he had the thrill of his life for seven miles. I guess his +wildest cravings for adventure was appeased for the time. He flattened +out at the rear end of the last car and let the scenery flash by. He said +afterward it looked just one blurred mess to him. His two cars dropped +the sixteen hundred and forty-five feet and made the seven-mile distance +in four and one-half minutes by standard railroad time. Ed was feeling +fairly good, never having rode so fast in his life before, and he was +hoping nothing serious would get in the way before the cars slowed up on +a level somewhere. He didn't have long to hope this. His cars struck a +frog at the upper end of the Wallace yard and left the track. The forward +ends plowed into the ground and the rear ends swung over. Ed was shot +through the air two hundred and thirty-five feet, as afterward measured +by a conscientious employee of the road, and landed in a dump of sawdust +by the ice house. + +It seems Ben was working in the Wallace yard that day and was the first +man to look things over. He put a report on the wire promptly and had a +wrecking outfit there to minister to these two injured box cars, and a +gang of Swedes repairing the track in no time at all. Then someone with +presence of mind said they ought to look for Ed, and Ben agreed; so +everybody searched and they found him in this sawdust. He looked +extremely ruined and like this little adventure had effected structural +modifications in him. He certainly had been brought down out of control, +like Squat says, but he was still breathing; so they took him over to the +Wallace Hospital on a chance that he could be put together again, like a +puzzle. A doctor got to work and set a lot of bones and did much plain +and fancy sewing on Ed the adventurer. + +So there he was, bedfast for about three months; but, of course, he begun +to enjoy his accident long before that--almost as soon as he come to, in +fact. It seemed to Ed that there had never been so good an accident as +that in the whole history of railroading, and he was the sole hero of it. +He passed his time telling the doctor all about it, and anyone else that +would drop in to listen: just how he felt when the cars started downhill; +how his whole past life flashed before him and just what he was thinking +about when the cars poured him off. He was remembering every second of it +by the time he was able to get on crutches. He never used that old saying +about making a long story short. + +First thing he did when he could hobble was to take a man from the +resident engineer's office out to the point where he'd left the rails and +tape his flight, finding it to be two hundred and thirty-five feet. That +hurt his story, because he had been estimating it at five hundred feet; +but he was strictly honest and accepted the new figures like a little +man. + +That night Ben come in, who'd been up round Spokane mostly since the +accident, and Ed told him all about it; how his flight was two hundred +and thirty-five feet. And wasn't it the greatest accident that ever +happened to anybody? + +Ed noticed that Ben didn't seem to be excited about it the way he had +ought to be. He was sympathetic enough for Ed's bone crashes, but he said +it was all in the day's work for a railroad man; and he told Ed about +some other accidents that was right in a class along with his and mebbe +even a shade better. Ed was peeved at this; so Ben tried to soothe him. +He said, yes, indeed, all hands had been lucky--especially the company. +He said if them two cars hadn't happened to strike soft ground that took +the wheels they'd been smashed to kindling; whereas the damage was +trifling. This sounded pretty cold to Ed. He said this railroad company +didn't seem to set any exaggerated value on human life. Ben said no +railroad company could let mere sentiment interfere with business if it +wanted to pay dividends, and most of them did. He said it was a matter of +dollars and cents like any other business, and Ed had already cost 'em a +lot of good hard cash for doctor's bills. Then he admitted that the +accident had been a good thing for him, in a way, he being there on the +spot and the first to make a report over to the superintendent at Tekoa. + +"I bet you made a jim-dandy good report," says Ed, taking heart again +after this sordid dollars-and-cents talk. "It was certainly a fine chance +to write something exciting if a man had any imagination. You probably +won't have another chance like that in all your career." + +"My report pleased the Old Man all right," says Ben. "He's kind of had +his eye on me ever since. He said the way I worded that report showed I +wasn't one to lose my head and get hysterical, the way he had known some +green hands to do." + +"I'll certainly have to have a look at that report," says Ed. "Probably +you did get a little bit hysterical at that seeing there was lots of +excuse for it." + +Ben says no, he can't remember that he was hysterical any, because the +high-class railroad man must always keep his head in emergencies. Ed +says, anyway he knows it must of been a corking good report, and he'll +sure have a look at it when he gets to stepping again. + +All the same, it begun to look to Ed like his accident wasn't being made +enough of. It come over him gradually. Of course he'd got to be an old +story round the hospital and people was beginning to duck when he started +talking. Then, after he got on crutches he'd hobble about the fatal spot, +pointing out his route to parties that would stay by him, and getting 'em +to walk over two hundred and thirty-five feet to where he was picked up +lifeless. And pretty soon even this outside trade fell off. And right +after that he begun to meet new trainmen and others that had never heard +a word about the accident and looked at him like they thought he was a +liar when he told the details. He was coming to be a grouchy nuisance +round Wallace. Even the doctor said he'd be glad when Ed got entirely +well again. + +Ed couldn't understand it. He must of thought the company should stop all +trains for five minutes every day at the hour of his mix-up, or at the +very least that the president of the road and the board of directors +ought to come down in a special car and have their pictures taken with +him; and a brass tablet should be put up on the ice house, showing where +his lifeless carcass was recovered. And of course they would send him +a solid gold engraved pass, good for life between all stations on all +divisions. But these proper attentions was being strangely withheld. So +far as Ed could see, the road had gone right on doing business as usual. + +He couldn't understand it at all. It seemed like he must be dreaming. He +wrote to Ben, who was still up the line, that this here fine report he +had made must of got lost; anyway, it seemed like the company had never +got round to reading it or they wouldn't have took things so placid. By +now he was pinning all his hopes to this report of Ben's if any justice +was going to be done him in this world. He'd tell parties who doubted +his story that he guessed they'd believe him fast enough if they ever +got an eye on Ben's report, which was made on the spot, and was so good +a report, though not hysterical, that it had drawn compliments from the +division superintendent. + +It occurs to him one day that he ought to have a copy of this report if +he is ever going to be set right before the world. He suspects crooked +work by this time. He suspects mebbe the company is keeping the thing +quiet on purpose, not wanting the public to know that such wonderful +accidents could happen to its faithful employees. So he talks to Charlie +Holzman, the conductor of Number 18, and wants to know would it be +possible to sneak this report of Ben's out of the files over at Tekoa. +Charlie says that wouldn't be possible, but he's going to lay over at +Tekoa the very next night and he'll be glad to make a copy of the report. + +Ed says he hates to keep Charlie setting up half the night writing, or +mebbe all night, because Ben has told him the report was a good one. +Charlie says he'll get help if necessary. Ed says get all the help +necessary and he'll pay the bill, and not to leave out even the longer +descriptive parts, because if it's as well written as Ben says it is he +may have it printed in a little volume for sending round to his friends. + +The next day Ed is sunning himself on the station platform when Number 18 +steams in. He's told a lot of people that Charlie is bringing this report +and he's aiming to read it aloud, just to show 'em what a man can pass +through and live to tell of it. Charlie swings down and hands him one +folded sheet of yellow paper. Ed says, what's the matter--couldn't he get +to copy the report? Charlie says the report is all there on that sheet, +every word of it. One sheet! And Ed had been expecting at least forty +pages of able narrative, even without hysteria. Even before he looks at +it Ed says there is crooked work somewhere. + +Then he read Ben's report. It didn't fill even the one sheet--not more +than half of it. It merely says: "Brakeman Steptoe had trouble holding +two cars of concentrates he was letting down from the Tiger-Poorman +mine at Burke. Cars ran to Wallace and left track. Steptoe thrown some +distance. Right leg and arm broken; left shoulder dislocated; head cut +some. Not serious." + +It was unbelievable; so Ed did the simple thing and didn't believe it. +Not for one minute! He says to Charlie Holzman: "Charlie, I know you're +honest; and, furthermore, you are a brother Moose. You've brought me +what's on file in that office; so now I know there's a conspiracy to hush +my accident up. I've thought so a long time--the way people acted round +here. Now I know it. Don't say a word; but I'm going to take it up with +Ben at once. Good old Ben! Won't he be in a frenzy when he finds this +paltry insult has been sneaked into the files in place of his report on +me!" So into the station he goes and wires Ben up the line to come there +at once on account of something serious. + +Ben gets in that night. He thought Ed must be dying and had got a +lay-off. He goes over to the hospital and is a mite disappointed to +find Ed ain't even worse, but is almost well and using only one crutch. + +Ed first makes sure no one can overhear, then tells Ben about this +conspiracy, showing him the false report that has been smuggled into the +files in place of the real one Ben had sent in. It takes Ben a couple of +minutes to get the idea of what Ed is so worked up over. But he finally +does get it. He then sweeps all ideas of a conspiracy out of Ed's mind +forever. He says his talk is all nonsense; that this here is the very +report he made, every word of it; and, as to that, if he had it to write +over again he could shorten it by at least six words, but he must of +been excited at the time. He says he has already told Ed that the Old +Man complimented him on it because he hadn't lost his head and got +hysterical, showing he had the makings of a good railroad man in him. And +what had Ed expected, anyway? Didn't he know that your superiors want the +simple facts in cases of this kind and no fancy work, wanting chiefly to +know about damage to the rolling stock and how long before the main line +will be open? Ed must be crazy, making him get a lay-off just for this! +Had he looked for some verses of poetry about his accident, or a novel? +Ben wasn't any novelist and wouldn't be one if you give him a chance. He +was just a brakeman, with a bright future before him. + +Ben was quite indignant himself by this time thinking of two days' pay +lost, and Ed could hardly believe his own ears. He just set there, +swelling up like a toad in a very feverish way. "But 'some distance,'" +says Ed in low tones of awe. "You say I was thrown 'some distance,' like +it was a casual remark. Is that any way to talk about a man hurled two +hundred and thirty-five feet from start to finish?--which I can prove +by the man that taped it. Why, any one would think them two cheap box +cars was the real heroes of this accident. No one would dream that a +precious human life was at stake. And 'Not serious!' And 'Head cut some!' +Great suffering cats! Was that any way to talk about a fellowman--not to +say a first cousin?" + +Ben was pretty mad himself now and swore right out--at least the only +oath he ever swears, which is "By doggie!" He says, by doggie, it ain't +his fault that Ed was so brittle! And, by doggie, he wasn't going to let +family affection interfere none with his career, because it wouldn't be +right by the children he hopes some day to be the father of! Then he got +his temper back and tried patiently to explain once more to Ed that what +a railroad company wants in such cases is facts and figures, and not +poetry--chiefly about the rolling stock. He says Ed can't expect a great +corporation, with heavy freight and passenger traffic, to take any deep +personal interest in the bone troubles of a mere brakeman. + +It was about here, I guess, that Ed's feelings must of overcome him. +He saw it was no use bandying words any more; so he started to do foul +murder. He committed several acts of frightfulness on Ben with his +crutch, seeming quite active for a cripple. Ben finally got out of range +and went and had some stitches took in his own scalp. He swore, by +doggie, he was through with that maniac forever! But he wasn't through. +Not by no means! + +Ed was now well enough to stand shipping; so he come down to Red Gap and +started to work. He couldn't get round with his machines yet; so he got a +new Home Queen and parked himself in the doorway of a vacant store and +made embroidered hat marks for the multitude at one dollar a throw. Yes, +sir; he congested traffic there on Fourth Street for about two weeks, +taking a strip of satin ribbon and embroidering people's initials on it, +so they could sew it in their hats and know whose hat it was. Hardly a +hat in town that didn't have one, with thrilled crowds looking on while +he done it. + +I begged him to take it easy and stay at my house till he was strong +again; but he wouldn't. He said he had to do something just to keep from +thinking. Of course the poor lollop had never been able to think under +any circumstances; but it sounded good. And, of course, he told me his +trouble. I don't believe he held back the least little thing from the +beginning of the accident down to the time he lammed Ben with his crutch. +He now blamed everything on Ben. He said neither the company nor any one +else could take his accident seriously after that lying report Ben put +in. No wonder there hadn't been any real excitement about it. He was +right bitter. + +"'Some distance' Ben says I was thrown. I should think it was some +distance! I'll bet it's farther than any other man was ever thrown on +their whole rotten system. And 'Not serious'! Great Jeeminetty! What +would have to happen to a person before he'd call it serious? Oh, I'll +make him take that back if ever I get to be the man I once was! The only +trouble with Ben is, he hasn't anything here and he hasn't anything +here"--Ed put his hand first on his head and next on his heart, to show +me where Ben hadn't got anything--"and that kind of trash may make fine +railroad men, but they hadn't ought to be classed with human beings. +Just wait till I get firmly knitted together again! You'll see! I'll +certainly interfere with that man's career a-plenty. 'Not serious!' He +won't make any such report about himself when I get through fussing with +him. He certainly does need handling--that Ben Steptoe." + +And so on for half an hour at a time, while he might be stitching G. W. +G. in purple letters on a strip of yellow satin ribbon. I used to stop on +purpose to hear some more about what he was going to do to Ben when he +got to be the man he once was. + +Pretty soon he had identified all the hats in Red Gap; so he moved over +to Colfax with his Home Queen, and then on to other towns. It was spring +again before he seemed to be the man he once was. He wrote me from Tekoa +that if I read in the papers about something sad happening to Ben I +wasn't to be alarmed, because, though it would be serious enough, it +would probably not prove fatal if he had skilled nursing. So I watched +the papers, but couldn't find any crime of interest. And a few days +later Ed come over to Red Gap again. He looked pretty good, except for +an overripe spot round his left eye. + +"Well, did you lick Ben?" I says. + +"No; Ben licked me," he says. + +I'd never heard such a simple and astounding speech from any man on earth +before. I started to find out what his excuse was--whether he wasn't in +good shape yet, or his foot slipped, or Ben took a coupling pin to him, +or something. But he didn't have a single word of excuse. He ought to of +been locked up in a glass case in a museum right there. He said he was in +fine shape and it had been a fair fight, and Ben had nearly knocked his +head off. + +I says what is he going to do now; and he says oh, he'll wait a while and +give Cousin Ben another go. + +I says: "Mebbe you can't lick Ben." + +He says: "Possibly so; but I can keep on trying. I have to protect my +honour, don't I?" + +That's how it seemed to the poor fish by this time--his honour! And I +knew he was going to keep on trying, like he had said. If he had made the +usual excuses that men put up when they've had the worst of it I'd of +known he'd been well licked, and once would be a-plenty. But, seeing that +he was probably the only man who had been honest under such conditions +since the world began, I had a feeling he would keep on. He was sure +going to annoy Ben from time to time, even if he didn't panic him much. +He was just as turbulent as ever. Now he went off and joined a circus, +being engaged to lecture in front of the side show about the world's +smallest midget, and Lulu the snake empress, and the sheep-headed twins +from Ecuador. And Ben could devote the whole summer to his career without +worry. I saw him over at Colfax one day. + +"Mark my words; that lad was never cut out for a railroad man," says Ben. +"He lets his emotions excite his head too much. Oh, I give him a good +talking to, by doggie! I says to him: 'Why, you poor little hopeless, +slant-headed, weak-minded idiot, you'--you know I always talk to Ed like +he was my own brother--'what did you expect?' I says. 'I'm quite sorry +for your injuries; but that was the first chance I'd ever had to make a +report and I couldn't write one of these continuous stories about you. +You ought to see that.' And what does he do but revile me for this +commonsense talk! Tightminded--that's what he is; self-headed, not to +say mulish, by doggie! And then pestering round me to have a fist +altercation till I had to give in to keep him quiet, though I'm not a +fighting character. I settled him, all right. I don't know where he is +now; but I hope he has three doctors at his bedside, all looking +doubtful. That little cuss always did contrary me." + +I told him Ed had gone with this circus side show. "Side show!" he says. +"That's just where he belongs. He ought to be setting right up with the +other freaks, because he's a worse freak than the living skeleton or a +lady with a full beard--that's what he is. And yet he's sane on every +subject but that. Sometimes he'll talk along for ten minutes as rational +as you or me; but let him hear the word accident and off he goes. But, +by doggie, he won't bother me again after what I give him back of the +Wallace freight shed." "He solemnly promised he would," I says, "when +I saw him last. He was still some turbulent." + +And he did bother Ben again, late that fall. When the circus closed he +travelled back a thousand miles in a check suit and a red necktie, just +to get another good licking. Ben must of been quite aggravated by that +time, for he wound up by throwing Ed into the crick in all his proud +clothes. + +Ed was just as honest about it as before. He says Ben licked him fair. +But it hadn't changed his mind. He felt that Ben's report had knocked +his just celebrity and he was still hostile. + +"Mebbe you can't lick Ben," I says to him again. "I can keep on doing my +endeavours," he says. "I had to come off in a friend of mine's coat +because my own was practically destroyed; but I'll be back again before +Ben has clumb very high on that ladder of his career." + +The adventurer was interned at my house for ten days, till his bruises +lost their purple glow and he looked a little less like a bad case of +erysipelas. Then he started out again, crazy as a loon! I didn't hear +from him for nearly two years. Then I got a letter telling about his +life of adventure down on the Border. It seems he'd got in with a good +capable stockman down there and they was engaged in the cattle business. +The business was to go over into Mexico, attracting as little notice as +possible, cut out a bunch of cattle, and drive 'em across into the land +of the free. Naturally what they sold for was clear profit. + +Ed said he was out for adventure and this had a-plenty. He said I +wouldn't believe how exciting it could be at times. He wanted to know +what Ben was promoted to by this time, and was he looking as hearty +as ever? Some day he was coming back and force Ben to set him right +before the world. + +About a year later he writes that the cattle business is getting too +tame. He's done it so much that all the excitement has gone. He says I +wouldn't believe how tame it can be, with hardly any risk of getting +shot. He says he wouldn't keep on running off these Mexican cattle if it +wasn't for the money in it; and, furthermore, it sometimes seems to him +when he's riding along in the beautiful still night, with only God's +stars for companions, that there's something about it that ain't right. + +But it's another year before he writes that he has disposed of his stock +interests and is coming North to lick Ben proper. He does come North. He +was correct to that extent. He outfitted at the Chicago Store in Tucson, +getting the best all-wool ready-made suit in Arizona, with fine fruit and +flower and vegetable effects, shading from mustard yellow to beet colour; +and patent-leather ties, with plaid socks--and so on. He stopped off at +Red Gap on his way up to do this outrage. His face was baked a rich red +brown; so I saw it wouldn't show up marks as legibly as when he was pale. + +He said Ben wasn't a right bad fellow and he had no personal grudge +against him, except he needed to have his head beat off on account of his +inhumanity. + +I told him Ben had worked up from yardmaster at Wallace to assistant +division superintendent at Tekoa, where he would probably find him; and I +wished him God-speed. + +He said he rejoiced to know of Ben's promotion, because he had probably +softened some, setting round an office. He promised to let me know the +result at once. He did. It was the same old result. The fight had gone a +few more rounds, I gathered, but Ed still gave the decision against +himself in the same conscientious way. He said Ben had licked him fair. +It was uncanny the way he took these defeats. No other human being but +would of made some little excuse. He came back in another suit and a bit +blemished in the face, and said Ben seemed to be getting a fair amount +of exercise in spite of his confining office duties; but--mark his +words--that indoor work would get him in time. He'd never seen a man yet +that could set at a desk all day and keep in shape to resent fighting +talk, even from a lighter man by twenty pounds. He said he might have to +wait till Ben was general manager, or something; but his day was coming, +and it would be nothing for Ben to cheer about when it got here. He now +once more drifted out over the high horizon, only one eye being much help +to him in seeing the way. + +Then Ben come down and had a wholehearted session with me. He said I +ought to have a talk with Ed and reason him out of his folly. I said Ed +would listen to a number of things, but not to reason. He said he knew +it; that the poor coot should be in some good institution right now, +where the state could look after him. He said he couldn't answer for the +consequences if Ed kept on in this mad way. He said here he was, climbing +up in his profession, and yet with this scandal in his private life that +might crop out any time and blast his career; and, by doggie, it was a +shame! He said it was hanging over him like a doom and sometimes he even +woke up in the night and wished he had made a different report about the +accident--one with a little hysterics or description in it, like this +maniac had seemed to crave. + +"It ain't that I can't lick him," says Ben--"I've proved that three +times; but having to do it every so often, which is beneath the dignity +of a high railroad official. I might as well be a common rowdy and be +done with it, by doggie! And no telling what will happen if he don't get +his mind back. The little devil is an awful scrapper. I noticed it more +than ever this last time. One of these times he might get me. He might +get me good." + +"You better let him, then," I says, "and have it over. That's the only +thing which will ever stop him. You take a man that says he was licked +fair, but still keeps at it, and he's deadly. Next time he comes along +you lay down after making a decent resistance. Then he'll probably be +your friend for life, especially if you tell him you been thinking about +his accident and it now seems like the most horrible accident that ever +happened to man." + +It was the most encouragement I could give and he went off gloomy. Ben +was certainly one conscientious objector. + +Nothing come from Ed for over a year. Then he writes that he has give up +the cattle business for good, because Mexico is in a state of downright +anarchy and he has been shot through the shoulder. He put it well. He +said he had been shot from ambush by a cowardly Mexican and I wouldn't +believe how lawless that country was. So now he was going to take up +mining in God's own country, where a man could get a square deal if he +kept out of railroading. And was Ben keeping up his exercise? + +He stayed under the surface for about three years. Neither Ben nor I +heard a word from him. I told Ben it was many chances to one that he had +gone under at the hands of someone that wanted to keep his cattle or his +mine or something. Ben looked solemn and relieved at this suggestion. He +said if the Grim Reaper had done its work, well and good! Life was full +of danger for the best of us, with people dropping off every day or so; +and why should Ed have hoped to be above the common lot? + +But the very next week comes a letter from the deceased wanting to know +whether Ben has been promoted some more and how he is looking by this +time. Is he vigorous and hearty, or does office work seem to be sapping +his vitality? It was the same old Ed. He goes on to say that the reason +he writes is that the other night in Globe, Arizona, he licked a man in +the Miners' Rest saloon that looked enough like Ben to be his twin; not +only looked the image of him but had his style of infighting. And he +had licked him right and made him quit. He said the gent finally fled, +going through the little swinging doors with such force that they kept +swinging for three minutes afterward. So now is the time for him to come +up and have another go at Ben. + +Of course he ain't superstitious, but it does seem like Providence has +taken this means of pointing out the time to him. But he is in reduced +circumstances at this moment, owing to complications it would take too +long to explain; so will I lend him about two hundred and fifty dollars +to make the trip on? And he will have Ben off his mind forever and be +able to settle down to some life work. Just as sane as ever--Ed was. + +I sent the letter to Ben, not wishing him to rest in false security. +But I wrote Ed firmly that I couldn't see my money's worth in his +proposition. I told him Ben was keeping in splendid condition, having +the glow of health in his cheeks and a grip like an osteopath, and I'd +be darned if I was going to back a three-time loser in the same old +fight. I said he wasn't the only sensitive person in the world. I was +a little fussy myself about what people might think of my judgment. And +I gave him some good advice which was to forget his nonsense and settle +down to something permanent before he died of penury. + +He wrote a kind, forgiving answer. He said he couldn't blame me for +turning against him after his repeated failures to lick Ben, but his +nature was one I should never understand. He said he would amass the +money by slow grinding toil, and when he next come North and got through +handling Ben I would be the very first to grasp him by the hand and +confess that I had wronged him. It was as nutty a letter as Ed ever +wrote; which is some tribute. I sent it on to Ben and I believe it was +right after that he ordered one of these exercising machines put up in +his bedroom, with a book showing how to become a Greek god by pulling +the weights five minutes, morning and evening. + +But this time come silence so long that I guess even Ben forgot he had +a doom hanging above his head by a single hair. I know I did. Let's +see. It must of been a good five years before I hear from Ed again. It +was another hard-luck letter. He had just worked a whole season for a +contractor that blew up and left him with one span of mules in place of +his summer's wages; which was a great disappointment, because he had been +looking forward to an active reunion with Ben. How was Ben, anyway? And +did he show the ravages of time? + +And no one had wanted these mules, because they was inferior mules; but +when he was on the point of shooting them to stop their feed bill along +come two men that had a prospect over in the Bradshaw Mountains and +offered him a one third interest in it for his span. So he had sawed the +mules off onto these poor dubs and told 'em all right about the third +interest in their claim, and forget it; but they insisted on his taking +it. So he did, and was now working in the B.&.B. store at Prescott, +selling saddles and jewellery and molasses and canned fruit and lumber, +and such things. He didn't care much for the life, but it was neck-meat +or nothing with him now. + +No wonder these men that cheated him out of his mules had made him take a +third interest in their claim. It was now taking all his salary to pay +assessments and other expenses on it. But he was trying to trade this +third interest off for something that wouldn't be a burden to him; then +he should have a chance to put his money by and come up to give Ben what +he was sooner or later bound to get if there was a just God in Heaven. +He spoke as freshly about Ben as if his trouble had begun the day before. +You wouldn't think twelve years had gone by. He was now saying Ben had +put a stigma on him. It had got to be a stigma by this time, though he +probably hadn't any idea what a stigma really is. He'd read it somewhere. + +Then the waves closed over the injured man for about three years more. +This time it looked as if he'd gone down for good, stigma and all. Ben +thought the same. He said it was a great relief not to be looking forward +any more to these brutal affrays that Ed insisted on perpetrating. And +high time, too, because he was now in line for general manager, and how +would it look for him to be mixed up in brawls? + +And everything was serene till the papers broke out into headlines about +a big strike made in the Bradshaw Mountains of Arizona by three partners, +of whom one was named Steptoe. They seemed to have found all the valuable +minerals in that claim of theirs except platinum. Ben tried first to +believe it was someone else named Steptoe; but no such luck. We read that +a half interest in the property had been sold to an Eastern syndicate for +three million dollars and a company organized of which Edward J. Steptoe +was president. + +"It may be all for the best, anyway," Ben says to me. "Now that he's a +big mining man he'll probably have other aims in life than being a thug." + +You could see he was hoping to make a separate peace with the new +millionaire, who would forget the grudge of his old days when he had +to work for what he got, or at least run the risk of getting shot for +it. But I wasn't so sure. I reminded Ben that Ed had never yet done +anything you'd think a human being would do, so why expect him to begin +now, when he had abundant leisure? I advised him to give deep thought to +the matter of his defense, and if the battle went against him to withdraw +to a position previously prepared, like the war reports say. Ben said a +few warm things about Ed, by doggie, that no cousin ought to say of +another cousin, and went off, hoping against hope. + +And, sure enough, Ed came promptly to the front. It seems he waited +only long enough to get a new suit and an assorted lot of the snappiest +diamond jewellery he could find. Then he wired me he was coming to right +the wrongs of a lifetime. Reaching San Francisco, it occurred to him +that he could put it all over Ben in another way that would cut him +to the heart; so he there chartered the largest, goldest, and most +expensive private car on the market, having boudoirs and shower baths +and conservatories and ballrooms, and so on; something that would make +Ben's dinky little private car look like a nester's shack or a place for +a construction gang to bunk in. And in this rolling palace Ed invaded +our peaceful country, getting lots of notice. The papers said this new +mining millionaire was looking us over with an eye to investment in our +rich lands. Little they knew he merely meant to pull off a brutal fist +altercation with a prominent railroad official that was somewhat out of +condition. + +Ben was one worried man, especially after he heard of Ed's private car. +It was one thing to lick an exbrakeman, but entirely different to have +an affray with a prominent capitalist that come after you regardless of +expense. Furthermore, this was the time for the annual tour of inspection +by the officers of the road, and they was now on the way to Ben's +division, with him hoping to create a fine impression by showing his +miracles of management. And here was Ed, meaning to start something +scandalous at sight! No wonder Ben lost his nerve and tried to run out +on his antagonist. He was trying to put it off at least till after his +officials had come and gone. + +So for six days he kept about thirty miles of standard-gauge track +between his car and Ed's. Ed would get word that he was at such a +station and have his car dropped there, only to find that Ben had gone +on. Ed would follow on the next train, or mebbe hire a special engine; +and Ben would hide off on some blind spur track. They covered the whole +division about three times without clashing, thanks to Ben's superior +information bureau; it being no trick at all to keep track of this +wheeled apartment house of Ed's. + +Ed couldn't understand it at first. Here he'd come up to lick Ben, and +Ben was acting queer about it. Ed would send messages every day wanting +to know when and where he could have a nice quiet chat with Ben that +would not be interfered with by bystanders; and Ben would wire back that +his time wasn't his own and company business was keeping him on the jump, +but as soon as this rush was over he would arrange an interview; and kind +regards, and so on. Or he might say he would be at some station all the +following day; which would be a clumsy falsehood, because he was at that +moment pulling out, as Ed would find when he got there. The operating +department must of thought them a couple of very busy men, wanting so +much to meet, yet never seeming able to get together. + +Ed got peeved at last by the way Ben was putting him off. It wasn't +square and it wasn't businesslike. He had large mining interests in +charge and here was Ben acting like he had all summer to devote just to +this one little matter. He called Ben's attention to this by telegraph, +but Ben continued to be somewhere else from where he said he was going +to be. + +After a week of this pussy-wants-a-corner stuff Ed got wise that the +thing had come to be a mere vulgar chase, and that his private car was +hampering him by being so easy to keep track of. So he disguised himself +by taking off his diamond ornaments and leaving his private car at +Colfax, and started out to stalk Ben as a common private citizen in a +day coach. He got results that way, Ben supposing he was still with his +car. After a couple of scouting trips up and down the line he gets +reliable word that Ben, with his bunch of high officials, is over at +Wallace. + +So much the better, thinks Ed. It will be fine to have this next +disturbance right on the spot where a great wrong was done him fifteen +years before. So he starts for Wallace, wiring for his car to follow him +there. He'd found this car poor for the bloodhound stuff, but he wanted +Ben to have a good look at it and eat his heart out with envy, either +before or after what was going to happen to him. + +He gets to Wallace on the noon train and finds that Ben with his +officials has gone up the canon, past Burke, on the president's private +car, to return in about an hour. After Ed's inquiries the agent kindly +wires up to Ben that his cousin from Arizona is waiting for him. Ed +spends the time walking round Ben's shabby little private car and +sneering at it. He has his plans all made, now that he has run his man +to earth. He won't pull anything rough before the officials, but about +twenty miles out on the line is a siding with a shipping corral beside +it and nothing else in sight but vistas. They'll get an engine to run +the two cars out there that night and leave 'em, and everything can be +done decently and in order. No hurry and no worry and no scandal. + +Ed is just playing the coming fight over in his mind for the fifth time, +correcting some of his blows here and there, when he hears a whistle up +the canon and in comes the special. The officials pile off and Ben comes +rushing up to Ed with a glad smile and effusive greetings and hearty +slaps on the back; and how is everything, old man?--and so on--with a +highly worried look lurking just back of it all; and says what rare +good luck to find Ed here, because he's the very man they been talking +about all the way down from Burke. + +Ed says if they come down as fast as he did one time they didn't get a +chance to say much about him; but Ben is introducing him to the president +of the road and the general manager and the chief engineer and three or +four directors, and they all shake hands with him till it seems like +quite a reception. The president says is this really the gentleman who +has made that last big strike in Arizona! And if it is he knows something +still more interesting about him, because he has just listened to a most +remarkable tale of his early days as a brakeman on this very line. Their +division superintendent has been telling of his terrific drop down the +canon and his incredible flight through the air of three hundred and +thirty-five feet. + +"How far did he say I was hurled?" says Ed, and the president again says +three hundred and thirty-five feet, which was a hundred more than Ed had +ever claimed; so he looks over at Ben pretty sharp. + +Ben is still talking hurriedly about the historic accident, saying that +in all his years of railroad experience he never heard of anything +approaching it, and if they will step up the track a piece he will show +them just where the cars left the rails. Ben must of done a lot of quick +thinking that day. He had the bunch over to see the exact spot, and they +all stood and looked over to the ice house and said it was incredible; +and a director from Boston said it was perfectly preposterous; really +now! And Ben kept on reciting rapidly about the details. He said Ed had +come down the seven miles in less than three minutes, which was lopping +a minute and a half off the official time; and that when picked up he +hadn't a whole bone left in his body, which was also a lie; and that +his cousin never could of survived if he hadn't probably had the most +marvellous constitution a man was ever endowed with. He then made the +bunch go over to the ice house to see the other exact spot, and they +looked back to where he started from, and again said it was incredible +and preposterous. + +I don't know. Mebbe they wouldn't of thought it preposterous that a mere +brakeman was hurled that far, but Ed was a capitalist now. Anyway, the +president had him into his car for lunch with the party, and they might +possibly of got to talking about other things of less importance, but Ben +wouldn't have any thing else. He made 'em insist that Ed should tell his +version of the whole thing; how he felt when the cars started, and how +the scenery was blurred, and how his whole past life flashed before him, +and the last thing he remembered before he hit the sawdust. And Ben set +there looking so proud of Ed, like a mother having her little tot recite +something. And when Ed had finally lit, Ben made him tell about his slow +recovery. And after Ed got himself well again Ben would go back to the +start and ask for more details, such as whether he hadn't wanted to jump +off on the way down, or whether he had been conscious while going through +the air for nearly four hundred feet. + +Ed got little food; but much he cared! He'd come into his own at last. +And suddenly he was surprised by finding a warm glow in his heart for +Ben, especially after Ben had said for about the third time: "I was +certainly a green hand in those days; so green that I didn't begin to +realize what a whale of an occurrence this was." Ed was getting a new +light on Ben. + +After lunch Ed's own car got in from Colfax and he had the party over +there for cigars and more talk about himself, which was skillfully led +by Ben. Then the president invited Ed to hitch his car on and come along +with them for a little trip, and talk over mining and investments, and +so on, and what the outlook was in the Southwest. So Ed went with 'em +and continued to hear talk of his accident. Ben would bring it up and +harp back to it, and bring it forward and sandwich it in whenever the +conversation had an open moment. It was either the wild thoughts Ed must +of had sliding down the canon, or the preposterous constitution he had +been endowed with, or the greenness of himself for not recognizing it as +the prize accident of the ages. And I don't wonder Ben went on that way +for the next two days. He knew what a tenacious idiot Ed was, and that he +had come miles out of his way to try something he had often tried before. +The most he could hope for was to stave off the collision till his +officials got away. + +And it looked, the second night, like he wasn't going to be able to do +even this much. He'd been detecting cold looks from Ed all day, in spite +of his putting on another record about the accident every ten minutes or +so. They was laid out at some little station, and just before dinner Ed +give Ben the office that he wanted a word private with him. Ben thinks to +himself it's coming now in spite of all his efforts to smooth it over. +But he leaves the car with Ed and they walk a piece up the track, Ben +hoping they can make the lee of a freight car before Ed starts his crime +of violence. He makes up his mind quick. If Ed jumps him there in the +open he will certainly do his best to win the contest. But if he waits +till they get this freight car between them and the public, then he will +let Ed win the fight and get the scandal out of his life forever. + +Ben walks quite briskly, but Ed begins to slow up when they ain't more +than a hundred yards from the president's car. Finally Ed stops short. + +"The little foci is going to pull the fight here in the open!" thinks +Ben; so he gets ready to do his best. + +Then Ed says: + +"Say, Ben, what's the matter with you, anyway? Are you losing your mind? +It ain't so much on my account; I could make allowance for you. But +here's these officials of yours, and you want to make a good impression +on 'em; instead of which you are making yourself the grandest bore that +ever needed strangling for continuous talk on one subject." + +Ben didn't get him yet. He says come on up the other side of them freight +cars, where they can be more private for their consultation. + +Ed says no; this is far enough to tell him for his own good not to be +such a bore; an' Ben says how is he a bore? + +"A bore?" says Ed. "Why, for forty-eight hours you ain't been able to +talk about anything but that stale old accident of mine, and you got me +so sick of it I could jump on you every time you begin. You got everybody +in the party sick of it. Don't you see how they all try to get away from +you? For the Lord's sake, can't you think up something else to talk about +now and then--at least for five minutes, just to give your silly chatter +a little different flavour? I never been so sick of anything in my life +as I am of this everlasting prattle of yours about something that was +over and forgotten fifteen long years ago! What's got into you to keep +dragging that accident up out of the dead past that way? Anyway, you +better cut it out. I have to listen because you're my cousin; but these +officials don't. Your next pay check is liable to be your last on this +road if you don't think up some other kind of gossip. Darned if it don't +seem like you had been getting weak-minded in your old age!" + +Ben had got his bearings by this time. He apologized warmly to Ed; he +said it was true this magnificent catastrophe had lately taken possession +of his mind, but now that he finds Ed is so sensitive about it he'll try +to keep it out of his talk, and he hopes Ed won't cherish hard feelings +against him. + +Ed says no, he won't cherish anything if Ben will only quit his loathsome +gushing about the accident; and Ben says he will quit. And so they shook +hands on it. + +That's the way the feud ended. The champion grudge hoarder of the +universe had been dosed to a finish with his own medicine. It showed Ben +has a weakness for diplomacy; kind of an iron hand in a velvet glove, or +something. + +Ed is still a nut, though. There was a piece in a Sunday paper not long +ago about this new mining millionaire. He spoke some noble words to the +youth of our land. He said young American manhood could still make its +fortune in this glorious country of opportunity by strict attention to +industry and good habits and honest dealing and native pluck--him that +had had these mules forced on him in the first place, and then his +interest in this claim forced on him for the mules, and then hadn't +been able to get shut of the claim. Ain't it lovely how men will dig up +a license to give themselves all credit for hog luck they couldn't help! + +Ma Pettengill busied herself with a final cigarette and remarked that she +never knew when to stop talking. Some parties did, but not her; and she +having to be up and on the way to Horsefly Mountain by six-thirty in the +A.M.! Her last apology was for a longing she had not been able to +conquer: She couldn't help a debased wish to know how that last fight +would of come out. + +"Of course it ain't nice to want men to act like the brutes," said the +lady. "Still, I can't help wondering; not that I'm inquisitive, but just +out of curiosity." + + + + +V + +ONE ARROWHEAD DAY + + +It began with the wonted incitement to murder. A wooden staff projects +some five feet above the topmost roof peak of the Arrowhead ranch house, +and to this staff is affixed a bell of brazen malignity. At five-thirty +each morning the cord controlling this engine of discord is jerked +madly and forever by Lew Wee, our Chinese chef. It is believed by those +compelled to obey the horrid summons that this is Lew Wee's one moment +of gladness in a spoiled life. The sound of the noon bell, the caressing +call of the night bell--these he must know to be welcome. The morning +clangour he must know to be a tragedy of foulest import. It is undeniably +rung with a keener relish. There will be some effort at rhythm with the +other bells, but that morning bell jangles in a broken frenzy of clangs, +ruthlessly prolonged, devilish to the last insulting stroke. Surely one +without malice could manage this waking bell more tactfully. + +A reckless Chinaman, then, takes his life in his hands each morning at +five-thirty. Something like a dozen men are alarmed from deep sleep to +half-awakened incredulity, in which they believe the bell to be a dream +bell and try to dream on of something noiseless. Ten seconds later these +startled men have become demons, with their nice warm feet on the icy +floor of the bunk-house, and with prayers of simple fervour that the +so-and-so Chink may be struck dead while his hand is still on the +rope. This prayer is never answered; so something like a dozen men +dress hurriedly and reach the Arrowhead kitchen hurriedly, meaning to +perform instantly there a gracious deed which Providence has thus far +unaccountably left undone. + +That the Arrowhead annals are, as yet, unspiced with a crime of violence +is due, I consider, to Lew Wee's superb control of his facial muscles. +His expression when he maniacally yanks the bell cord is believed by +his victims to be one of hellish glee; so they eagerly seek each morning +for one little remaining trace of this. The tiniest hint would suffice. +But they encounter only a rather sad-faced, middle-aged Chinaman, with +immovable eyes and a strained devotion to delicate tasks, of whom it is +impossible to believe that ever a ray of joy gladdened his life. + +There is a secondary reason why the spirit of Lew Wee has not long since +been disembodied by able hands: His static Gorgon face stays the first +murderous impulse; then his genial kitchen aroma overpowers their higher +natures and the deed of high justice is weakly postponed. This genial +kitchen aroma is warm, and composed cunningly from steaming coffee and +frying ham or beef, together with eggs and hot cakes almost as large +as the enamelled iron plates from which they are eaten. It is no +contemptible combination on a frosty morning. No wonder strong men +forget the simple act of manslaughter they come there to achieve and +sit sullenly down to be pandered to by him who was erst their torturer. + +On a morning in late May, when I had been invited to fare abroad with +my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill--who would breakfast in her +own apartment--I joined this assemblage of thwarted murderers as they +doggedly ate. It is a grim business, that ranch breakfast. Two paling +lamps struggle with the dawn, now edging in, and the half light is held +low in tone by smoke from the cake griddle, so that no man may see +another too plainly. But no man wishes to see another. He stares dully +into his own plate and eats with stern aversion. We might be so many +strangers in a strange place, aloof, suspicious, bitter, not to say +truculent. + +No quip or jest will lighten the gloom. Necessary requests for the +sugar or the milk or the stewed apples are phrased with a curtly +formal civility. We shall be other men at noon or at night, vastly +other, sunnier men, with abundance of quip and jest and playful sally +with the acid personal tang. But from warm beds of repose! We avoid +each other's eyes, and one's subdued "please pass that sirup pitcher!" +is but tolerated like some boorish profanation of a church service. + +The simple truth, of course, is that this is the one hour of the day +when we are face to face with the evil visage of life unmasked; our +little rosy illusions of yestereve are stale and crumpled. Not until we +are well out in the sun, with the second cigarette going good, shall we +again become credulous about life and safe to address. It is no meal to +linger over. We grimly rise from the wrecked table and clatter out. + +Only one of us--that matchless optimist, Sandy Sawtelle--sounds a flat +note in the symphony of disillusion. His humanness rebounds more quickly +than ours, who will not fawn upon life for twenty minutes yet. Sandy +comes back to the table from the hook whence he had lifted his hat. He +holds aloft a solitary hot cake and addresses Lew Wee in his best +Anglo-Chinese, and with humorous intent: + +"I think take-um hot cake, nail over big knot hole in bunk-house--last +damn long time better than sheet iron!" + +Swiftly departing pessimists accord no praise or attention to this +ill-timed sketch; least of all Lew Wee, who it is meant to insult. +His face retains the sad impassivity of a granite cliff as yet beyond +the dawn. + +Now I am out by the saddle rack under the poplars, where two horses +are tied. Ma Pettengill's long-barrelled roan is saddled. My own +flea-bitten gray, Dandy Jim, is clad only in the rope by which he was +led up from the caviata. I approach him with the respectful attention +his reputed character merits and try to ascertain his mood of the +moment. He is a middle-aged horse, apparently of sterling character, +and in my presence has always conducted himself as a horse should. But +the shadow of scandal has been flung athwart him. I have been assured +that he has a hideous genius for cinch binding. Listening at first +without proper alarm, it has been disclosed to me that a cinch binder +ain't any joke, by a darned sight! A cinch binder will stand up straight +and lean over backward on me. If I'm there when he hits the ground I'll +wish I wasn't--if I am able to wish anything at all and don't simply have +to be shipped off to wherever my family wants it to take place. + +I am further enlightened: Dandy Jim ain't so likely to start acting if +not saddled when too cold. If I saddle him then he will be expecting to +have more fun out of it than I have any right to. But if the sun is well +up, why, sometimes a baby could handle him. So for three weeks I have +saddled Dandy Jim with the utmost circumspection and with the sun well +up. Now the sun is not well up. Shall I still survive? I pause to wish +that the range of high hills on the east may be instantly levelled. The +land will then be worth something and the sun will be farther up. But +nothing of a topographical nature ensues. The hills remain to obscure the +sun. And the brute has to be saddled. The mood of that grim breakfast, +voiceless, tense, high with portent, is still upon me. + +I approach and speak harshly to the potential cinch binder, telling him +to get over there! He does not; so I let it pass. After all, he is only +a horse. Why should I terrorize him? I bridle him with a manner far from +harsh. He doesn't like the taste of the bit--not seasoned right, or +something. But at last he takes it without biting my fingers off; which +shows that the horse has no mind to speak of. + +I look him calmly in the eye for a moment; then pull his head about, so +that I can look him calmly in the other eye for a moment. This is to show +the animal that he has met his master and had better not try any of that +cinch-binding stuff if he knows when he's well off. Still, I treat him +fairly. I smooth his back of little vegetable bits that cling there, +shake out the saddle blanket and tenderly adjust it. Whistling carelessly +I swing up the saddle. Dandy Jim flinches pitifully when it rests upon +him and reaches swiftly round to bite my arm off. I think this is quite +perfunctory on his part. He must have learned long since that he will +never really bite any one's arm off. His neck is not enough like a +swan's. + +I adjust saddle and blanket carefully from both sides, pulling the +blanket well up under the horn of the saddle and making sure that +it sets comfortably. One should be considerate of the feelings of a +dumb beast placed at one's mercy. Then I reach for the cinch, pass it +twice through the rings, and delicately draw it up the merest trifle. +Dandy Jim shudders and moans pathetically. He wishes to convey the +impression that his ribs have been sprung. This, of course, is +nonsense. I measureably increase the pressure. Dandy Jim again +registers consternation, coughs feebly, and rolls his eyes round +appealingly, as if wondering whether the world is to sit, without +heart, and watch a poor defenseless horse being slain. He is about +to expire. + +I now lead him gently about by the bridle. It occurs to me that a horse +with this curious mania for binding cinches or cinching binders--or, +in other words, a cinch binder--will be as willing to indulge in his +favourite sport with the saddle unoccupied as otherwise. He may like +it even better with no one up there; and I know I will. Nothing happens, +except that Dandy Jim stumbles stiffly and pretends to be lame. The +sun is not yet well up; still, it is a lot better. Perhaps danger for +the day is over. I again lead the dangerous beast-- + +"What you humouring that old skate for?" + +Ma Pettengill, arrayed in olive-drab shirt and breeches, leather puttees, +and the wide-brimmed hat of her calling with the four careful dents in +the top, observed me with friendly curiosity as she ties a corduroy coat +to the back of her saddle. + +Hereupon I explained my tactful handling of the reputed cinch binder. It +evoked the first cheerful sound I had heard that day: + +Ma Pettengill laughed heartily. + +"That old hair trunk never had the jazz to be any cinch binder. Who told +you he was?" + +I named names--all I could remember. Almost everyone on the ranch had +passed me the friendly warning, and never had I saddled the brute without +a thrill. + +"Sure! Them chuckleheads always got to tell everybody something. It's +a wonder they ain't sent you in to the Chink to borrow his meat auger, +or out to the blacksmith shop for a left-handed monkey wrench, or +something. Come on!" + +So that was it! Just another bit of stale ranch humour--alleged +humour--as if it could be at all funny to have me saddle this wreck +with the tenderest solicitude morning after morning! + +"Just one moment!" I said briskly. + +I think Dandy Jim realized that everything of a tender nature between +us was over. Some curious and quite charming respect I had been wont +to show him was now gone out of my manner. He began to do deep breathing +exercises before I touched the cinch. I pulled with the strength of a +fearless man. Dandy Jim forthwith inflated his chest like a gentleman +having his photograph taken in a bathing suit. I waited, apparently +foiled. I stepped back, spoke to Ma Pettengill of the day's promise, +and seemed carelessly to forget what I was there for. Slowly Dandy Jim +deflated himself; and then, on the fair and just instant, I pulled. +I pulled hard and long. The game was won. Dandy Jim had now the waist +of that matron wearing the Sveltina corset, over in the part of the +magazine where the stories die away. I fearlessly bestrode him and +the day was on. + +I opened something less than a hundred gates, so that we could take our +way through the lower fields. Ma Pettengill said she must see this here +Tilton and this here Snell, and have that two hundred yards of fence +built like they had agreed to, as man to man; and no more of this here +nonsense of putting it off from day to day. + +She was going to talk straight to them because, come Thursday, she had +to turn a herd of beef cattle into that field. + +Then I opened a few dozen more gates and we were down on the flats. +Here the lady spied a coyote, furtively skirting some willows on our +left. So, for a few merry miles, we played the game of coyote. It is +a simple game to learn, but requires a trained eye. When one player +sees a coyote the other becomes indebted to him in the sum of one dollar. + +This sport dispelled the early morning gloom that had beset me. I won +a dollar almost immediately. It may have been the same coyote, as my +opponent painfully suggested; but it showed at a different breach in +the willows, and I was firm. + +Then the game went fiercely against me. Ma Pettengill detected coyotes +at the far edges of fields--so far that I would have ignored them for +jack rabbits had I observed them at all. I claimed an occasional +close one; but these were few. The outlook was again not cheering. It was +an excellent morning for distant coyotes, and presently I owed Mrs. +Lysander John Pettengill seven dollars, she having won two doubleheaders +in succession. This ride was costing me too much a mile. Being so utterly +outclassed I was resolving to demand a handicap, but was saved from this +ignominy by our imminent arrival at the abode of this here Tilton, who +presently sauntered out of a feeding corral and chewed a straw at us +idly. + +We soon took all that out of him. The air went something like this: + + * * * * * + +MRS. L. J. P.--brightly: Morning, Chester! Say, look here! About that gap +in the fence across Stony Creek field--I got to turn a beef herd in there +Thursday. + +TILTON--crouching luxuriously on one knee still chewing the straw: Well, +now, about that little job--I tell you, Mis' Pett'ngill; I been kind o' +holdin' off account o' Snell bein' rushed with his final plowin'. He +claims-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--still brightly: Oh, that's all right! Snell will be over +there, with his men, to-morrow morning at seven o'clock. He said you'd +have to be there, too. + +TILTON--alarmed, he rises, takes straw from his mouth, examines the +chewed end with dismay and casts it from him; removes his hat, looks at +this dubiously, burnishes it with a sleeve, and sighs: To-morrow +morning! You don't mean to-morrow-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--carefully yet rapidly: To-morrow morning at seven o'clock. +You don't want to throw Snell down on this; and he's going to be there. +How many men can you take? + +TILTON--dazed: Now--now lemme see! + +MRS. L. J. P.--quickly: You can take Chris and Shorty and Jake and +yourself. Any one else? + +TILTON--swept over the falls: Why, no'm; I don't guess there's any other +I could spare, account of-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--almost sweetly: All right, then. To-morrow; seven sharp. + +TILTON--from the whirlpool, helplessly: Yes'm! Yes'm! + +MRS. L. J. P.: Morning! + + * * * * * + +We ride on. Tilton fades back toward the corral; he has forgotten to +replace his hat. + +I now decided to make a little conversation rather than have the stupid +and ruinous game of coyote for a pastime. + +"I thought you hadn't seen Snell yet." + +"I haven't; not since he promised his half of the job two weeks ago." + +"But you just told Tilton--" + +"Well, Snell is going to be there, ain't he?" + +"How do you know?" + +"I'm going to tell him now." + +And the woman did even so. If you wish the scene with Snell go back and +read the scene with Tilton, changing the names. Nothing else need you +change. Snell was hitching two mules to a wood wagon; but he heard the +same speeches and made approximately the same replies. And the deed was +done. + +"There now!" boomed Mrs. Talleyrand as we rode beyond earshot of the +dazed and lingering Snell. "Them two men been trying for two weeks to +agree on a day to do this trifling job. They wasn't able; so I agreed on +a day myself. Anything wrong with it?" + +"You said you were going to talk straight to them." + +"Ain't I just talked straight to Snell? Tilton will be there, won't he?" + +"How about the way you talked to Tilton before you saw Snell?" + +"Well, my lands! How you talk! You got to have a foundation to build on, +haven't you?" + +I saw it as a feat beyond my prowess to convict this woman in her own +eyes of a dubious and considering veracity. So I merely wondered, in +tones that would easily reach her, how the gentlemen might relish her +diplomacy when they discovered it on the morrow. I preceded the word +diplomacy with a slight and very affected cough. + +The lady replied that they would never discover her diplomacy, not +coughing in the least before the word. She said each of them would be +so mad at the other for setting a day that they would talk little. They +would simply build fence. She added that a woman in this business had +to be looking for the worst of it all the time. She was bound to get +the elbow if she didn't use her common sense. + +I ignored her casuistry, for she was now rolling a cigarette with an air +of insufferable probity. I gave her up and played a new game of smashing +horseflies as they settled on my mount. Dandy Jim plays the game ably. +When a big fly settles on his nose he holds his head round so I can reach +it. He does not flinch at the terrific smash of my hat across his face. +If a fly alights on his neck or shoulder, and I do not remark it, he +turns his head slightly toward me and winks, so I can stalk and pot it. +He is very crafty here. If the fly is on his right side he turns and +winks his left eye at me so the insect will not observe him. And yet +there are people who say horses don't reason. + +I now opened fifty more gates and we left the cool green of the fields +for a dusty side road that skirts the base of the mesa. We jogged along +in silence, which I presently heard stir with the faint, sweet strain of +a violin; an air that rose and wailed and fell again, on a violin played +with a certain back-country expertness. The road bent to show us its +source. We were abreast of the forlorn little shack of a dry-farmer, +weathered and patched, set a dozen yards from the road and surrounded +by hard-packed earth. Before the open door basked children and pigs and +a few spiritless chickens. + +All the children ran to the door when we halted and called to someone +within. The fiddle played on with no faltering, but a woman came +out--a gaunt and tattered woman who was yet curiously cheerful. The +children lurked in her wake as she came to us and peered from beyond +her while we did our business. + +Our business was that the redskin, Laura, official laundress of the +Arrowhead, had lately attended an evening affair in the valley at which +the hitherto smart tipple of Jamaica ginger had been supplanted by a +novel and potent beverage, Nature's own remedy for chills, dyspepsia, +deafness, rheumatism, despair, carbuncles, jaundice, and ennui. Laura had +partaken freely and yet again of this delectable brew, and now suffered +not only from a sprained wrist but from detention, having suffered arrest +on complaint of the tribal sister who had been nearest to her when she +sprained her wrist. Therefore, if Mrs. Dave Pickens wanted to come over +to-morrow and wash for us, all right; she could bring her oldest girl to +help. + +Mrs. Dave thereupon turned her head languidly toward the ignoble dwelling +and called: "Dave!" Then again, for the fiddle stayed not: "Dave! Oh, +Dave!" + +The fiddle ceased to moan--complainingly it seemed to me--and Dave framed +his graceful figure in the doorway. He was one appealing droop, from his +moustache to his moccasin-clad feet. He wore an air of elegant leisure, +but was otherwise not fussily arrayed. + +"Dave, Mis' Pett'ngill says there's now a day's washin' to do over to her +place to-morrow. What think?" + +Dave deliberated, then pondered, then thought, then spoke: + +"Well, I d'no', Addie; I d'no' as I got any objections if you ain't. +I d'no' but it's all the same to me." + +Hereupon we meanly put something in Dave's unsuspecting way, too. + +"You must want a day's work yourself," called out Ma Pettengill. "You go +up to Snell's about six in the morning and he'll need you to help do some +fencing on that gap in Stony Creek field. If he don't need you Tilton +will. One of 'em is bound to be short a man." + +"Fencin'?" said Dave with noticeable disrelish. + +"You reckon we better both leave the place at once?" suggested Mrs. Dave. + +"That's so," said Dave brightly. "Mebbe I--" + +"Nonsense!" boomed Ma Pettengill, dispelling his brightness. "Addie +can drop you at Snell's when she comes over to Arrowhead. Now that's +settled!" + +And we rode off as unvoiced expostulations were gathering. I began to +wonder whether it must, throughout a beautiful day, be the stern mission +of this woman to put tribulation upon her neighbours. She was becoming a +fell destroyer. The sun was well up. I thirsted. Also, breakfast seemed +to have been a thing in the remote past. + +We now rode three torrid miles up a narrow green slit in the hills +for a scant ten minutes of talk with a most uninteresting person, whose +sole claim to notice seemed to be that he had gone and fenced the wrong +water hole over back of Horsefly Mountain, where we have a summer range. +The talk was quick and pointed and buttressed with a blue-print map, +and the too-hasty fencer was left helpless after a pitiful essay at +quibbling. We rode off saying that he could do just as he liked about +sending someone over right away to take that fence down, because we +had already took it down the minute we set eyes on it. We was just +letting him know so he needn't waste any more wire and posts and time +in committing felonious depredations that would get him nothing but +high trouble if he was so minded. Another scalp to our belt! + +I now briefly recalled to the woman that we had stopped at no peaceful +home that morning save to wreck its peace. I said I was getting into +the spirit of the ride myself. I suggested that at the next ranch we +passed we should stop and set fire to the haystacks, just to crown the +day's brutalities with something really splendid. I also said I was +starving to death in a land of plenty. + +Ma Pettengill gazed aloft at the sun and said it was half-past twelve. +I looked at my watch and said the sun was over ten minutes slow, which +was probably due to the heavy continuous gunfire on the Western Front. +This neat bit went for just nothing. As we rode on I fondly recalled that +last cold hot cake which Sandy Sawtelle had sacrificed to his gift for +debased whimsy. I also recalled other items of that gloomy repast, +wondering how I could so weakly have quit when I did. + +We rode now under a sun that retained its old fervour if not its +velocity. We traversed an endless lane between fields, in one of which +grazed a herd of the Arrowhead cattle. These I was made to contemplate +for many valuable moments. I had to be told that I was regarding the +swallow-fork herd, pure-breds that for one reason or another--the chief +being careless help--had not been registered. The omission was denoted +by the swallow fork in the left ear. + +The owner looked upon them with fond calculation. She was fondly +calculating that they would have been worth about fifty per cent. more +to her with ears unmutilated. She grew resentful that their true worth +should not be acclaimed by the world. In the sight of heaven they were +pure-breds; so why should they suffer through the oversight of a herd +boss that hadn't anywhere near such distinguished ancestry? And so on, +as the lady says. + +We left the lane at last and were on the county road, but headed away +from the Arrowhead and food. No doubt there remained other homes for us +to wreck. We mounted a rise and the road fell from us in a long, gentle +slope. And then a mile beyond, where the slope ended, I beheld a most +inviting tiny pleasance in this overwhelming welter of ranch land, with +its more or less grim business of cattle. + +It was a little homestead fit to adorn an art calendar to be entitled +Peace and Plenty--a veritable small farm from some softer little country +far to the east. It looked strangely lost amid these bleaker holdings. +There was a white little house and it sported nothing less than green +blinds. There was a red barn, with toy outbuildings. There was a +vegetable garden, an orchard of blossoming fruit trees, and, in front of +the glistening little house, a gay garden of flowers. Even now I could +detect the yellow of daffodils and the martial--at least it used to be +martial--scarlet of tulips. The little place seemed to drowse here in +the noontide, dreaming of its lost home and other little farms that once +companioned it. + +To my pleased surprise this unbelievable little farm proved to be our +next stopping place. At its gate Ma Pettengill dismounted, eased the +cinch of her saddle and tied her horse to the hitching rack. I did +likewise by the one-time cinch binder. + +"Now," I wondered, "what devastating bomb shall we hurl into this +flower-spiced Arcady? What woe will she put upon its unsuspecting +dwellers, even as she has ruined four other homes this day? This should +be something really choice." But I said no word and followed where the +avenger stalked. + +We unlatched the white gate and went up a gravelled walk between the +rows of daffodils and tulips and hyacinths. We did not ascend the +spotless front porch to assault its innocent white door, but turned aside +on a narrow-gauge branch of the gravelled pathway and came to a side +porch, shaded by maples. And here, in strict conformity to the soundest +behests of tradition, sat two entirely genuine Arcadians in wooden +rocking-chairs. The male was a smiling old thing with winter-apple +cheeks and white hair, and the female was a smiling old thing with +winter-apple cheeks and white hair; both had bright eyes of doll blue, +and both wore, among other neat things, loose and lovely carpet slippers +and white stockings. + +And, of course, the male was named Uncle Henry and the other one was +named Aunt Mollie, for I was now presented to them. They shyly greeted +me as one returned to them after many years in which they had given me +up. And again I wondered what particular iniquity we had come here to do. + +Then Ma Pettengill eased my worry. She said in a few simple but affecting +words, that we had stopped in for a bite to eat. No self-torturing +stylist could have put the thing better. And results were sudden. Uncle +Henry, the male one, went to take our horses round to the barn, and the +other one said they had et an hour ago; but give her ten minutes and +she'd have a couple of them young pullets skinned and on the fire. + +Ma Pettengill said, with very questionable taste, I thought: "Oh, no; +nothing like that!"--because we didn't want to make the least bit of +trouble. The woman is dense at times. What else had we come there +for? But Aunt Mollie said, then, how about some prime young pork +tenderline? And Ma Pettengill said she guessed that would do, and I +said I guessed that would do. And there we were! The ladies went to +the kitchen, where they made quick and grateful noises. + +Pretty soon Uncle Henry came round a lovely corner and said try a tumbler +of this here grape wine, which he poured from a pressed-glass pitcher; so +I tried it and gave him a town cigarette, which he tucked between his +beautiful white moustache and his beautiful white whiskers. And I hoped +he didn't use gasoline to get them so clean, because if he did something +might happen when he lighted the cigarette; but nothing did, so probably +he didn't. I tried the grape wine again; and dear old Uncle Henry said he +was turning out quite a bit of it since the Gov'ment had shet down on +regular dram-shops, quite considerable of parties happening along from +time to time to barter with him, getting it for dances or colds, or +something. + +A yellow cat, with blue eyes like Uncle Henry's, came and slept on +his lap. A large fussy hen with a litter of chickens--or however a hen +designates her assemblage of little ones--clucked her way to our feet. +I could see three hives of bees, a grape arbour, and a row of milk pans +drying in the sun, each leaning on its neighbour along a white bench. +Uncle Henry said drink it up while it was cold. All Nature seemed to +smile. The hen found a large and charming bug, and chuckled humorously +while her cunning little ones tore it limb from limb. It was idyllic. + +Then Aunt Mollie pushed open the screen door and said come in and set up; +so I came in and set up quickly, having fried pork tenderloin and fried +potatoes, and hot biscuit and pork gravy, and cucumber pickles, and +cocoanut cake and pear preserves, peach preserves, apricot preserves, +loganberry jelly, crab-apple jelly, and another kind of preserves I was +unable to identify, though trying again and again. + +Ma Pettengill ate somewhat, but talked also, keeping Uncle Henry and Aunt +Mollie shiny with smiles. They both have polished white teeth of the most +amazing regularity. I ate almost exclusively, affecting to be preoccupied +about something. The time was urgent. I formed an entangling alliance +with the pork tenderloin, which endured to a point where but one small +fragment was left on the platter. I coolly left it there, so that Aunt +Mollie might believe she had cooked more than enough. + +I have never ceased to regret that hollow bit of chivalry. Was it +honest, genuine, open? No! Why will men at critical junctures stoop +to such trickery? Aunt Mollie said I might think that tenderline was +fresh-killed; but not so--she has fried it last December and put it down +in its own juice in a four-gallon crock, and now look how fresh it come +out! She seemed as proud as if she had invented something. She had a +right to be. It was a charming notion and I could have eaten the rest of +the crock--but, no matter. Half a dozen biscuits copiously gummed up with +preserves of one kind or another would do as well--almost. + +So Aunt Mollie showed me objects of interest in the room, including +her new carpet sweeper, a stuffed road runner, a ship built in a bottle, +and the coloured crayon portraits of herself and Uncle Henry, wearing +blue clothes and gold jewellery and white collars and ecru neckties. +Also, the marriage certificate. This was no mere official certificate. +It was the kind that costs three dollars flat, over and above what you +give to the party that does it for you, being genuine steel-engraved, +with a beautiful bridal couple under a floral bell, the groom in severe +evening dress, and liberally spotted with cupids and pigeons. It is worth +the money and an ornament to any wall, especially in the gilt frame. + +Aunt Mollie seemed as proud of this document as she had been with the +tenderloin. I scanned it word by word for her pleasure. I noticed +especially the date. Aunt Mollie said that her and Henry were now in +the fortieth year on this place, and it had changed in looks a whole +lot since they came here. I again looked at the date of the certificate. + +Ma Pettengill said, well, we must be getting on, and they must both come +over to the Arrowhead for a day right soon. And Uncle Henry said here +was a quart bottle of his peach brandy, going on eight year old, and +would I take it along back with me and try it? Parties had told him it +was good; but he didn't know--mebbe so, mebbe not. He'd like to know what +I thought. It seemed little enough to do to bring a bit of gladness into +this old gentleman's life, and I was not the man to wound him by refusal. +It was as if Michelangelo had said "Come on round to the Sistine Chapel +this afternoon and look over a little thing I've dashed off." If he had +brought two bottles instead of one my answer would have been the same. + +So we were out on our refreshed horses and heading home; and I said, +without loss of time, that Aunt Mollie might have a good heart and a +cunning way with pork interiors, and it was none of my business, anyway; +but, nevertheless, she had mentioned forty long years with this amateur +saloon keeper, whereas her marriage certificate was dated but one year +previous, in figures all too shamefully legible. So what about it? I +said I mind observing the underworld from time to time; but I like +to be warned in advance, even when its denizens were such a charming, +bright-eyed winter-apple-cheeked old couple as the two we were now +leaving. + +The sun was on our backs, a light breeze fanned us, the horses knew which +way they were going, and work for the day was over; so Ma Pettengill +spoke, in part, as follows: + +"Oh, well, of course everyone knows about that. Simple enough! Aunt +Mollie and her first husband trekked in here forty years ago. He was a +consumptive and the first winter put him out. They had a hard time; no +neighbours to speak of, harsh weather, hard work, poor shelter, and a +dying man. Henry Mortimer happened by and stayed to help--nursed the +invalid, kept the few head of stock together, nailed up holes in the +shack, rustled grub and acted like a friend in need. At the last he +nailed a coffin together; did the rest of that job; then stayed on to +nurse Aunt Mollie, who was all in herself. After he got her to stepping +again he put in a crop for her. Then he stayed to build a barn and do +some fencing. Then he harvested the crop. And getting no wages! They was +both living off the land. Pretty soon they got fond of each other and +decided to marry. It's one of Aunt Mollie's jokes that she owed him two +years' wages and had to marry him. + +"Marriage was easier said than done. No preacher, or even a justice of +the peace, was within ninety miles, which meant a four days' trip over +the roads of that day, and four days back, providing high water or some +other calamity didn't make it a month; and no one to leave on the place, +which meant there wouldn't be a head of stock left when they got back, +what with Indians and rustlers. Uncle Henry will tell you how it seemed +too bad that just one of 'em wouldn't make the trip down and have the +ceremony done, leaving the other to protect the place. + +"Then along comes a horse trader, who stops over to rest his stock, +and learns their trouble. He tells 'em to quit their worry; that he's a +notary public and can perform a marriage as good as any Baptist preacher +they ever saw. I never been able to make out whether he was crazy or just +a witty, practical joker. Anyway, he married the pair with something like +suitable words, wouldn't take a cent for it, and gave 'em a paper saying +he had performed the deed. It had a seal on it showing he was a genuine +notary public, though from back in Iowa somewhere. That made no +difference to the new bride and groom. A notary public was a notary +public to them, highly important and official. + +"They had enough other things to worry about, anyway. They had to buckle +down to the hard life that waits for any young couple without capital in +a new country. They had years of hard sledding; but they must of had a +good time somehow, because they never have any but pleasant things to +tell of it. Whatever that notary public was, he seemed to of pulled off +a marriage that took as well or better than a great many that may be +more legal. So that's all there is to it--only, here about a year ago +they was persuaded to have it done proper at last by a real preacher who +makes Kulanche two Sundays a month. That's why the late date's on that +certificate. The old lady is right kittenish about that; shows it to +everyone, in spite of the fact that it makes her out of been leading +an obliquitous life, or something, for about thirty-eight years. + +"But then, she's a sentimental old mush-head, anyhow. Guess what she told +me out in the kitchen! She's been reading what the Germans did to women +and children in Belgium, and she says: 'Of course I hate Germans; and yet +it don't seem as if I could ever hate 'em enough to want to kill a lot of +German babies!' Wasn't that the confession of a weakling? I guess that's +all you'd want to know about that woman. My sakes! Will you look at that +mess of clouds? I bet it's falling weather over in Surprise Valley. A +good moisting wouldn't hurt us any either." + +That seemed to be about all. Yet I was loath to leave the topic. I still +had a warm glow in my heart for the aged couple, and I could hear Uncle +Henry's bottle of adolescent peach brandy laughing to itself from where +it was lashed to the back of my saddle. I struck in the only weak spot +in the wall. + +"You say they were persuaded into this marriage. Well, who persuaded +them? Isn't there something interesting about that?" + +It had, indeed, been a shrewd stroke. Ma Pettengill's eyes lighted. + +"Say, didn't I ever tell you about Mrs. Julia Wood Atkins, the well-known +lady reformer?" + +"You did not. We have eight miles yet." + +"Oh, very well!" + +So for eight miles of a road that led between green fields on our right +and a rolling expanse of sagebrush on our left, I heard something like +this: + +"Well, this prominent club lady had been out on the Coast for some time +heading movements and telling people how to do things, and she had got +run down. She's a friend of Mrs. W.B. Hemingway, the well-known social +leader and club president of Yonkers, who is an old friend of mine; and +Mrs. W.B. writes that dear Julia is giving her life to the cause--I +forget what cause it was right then--and how would it be for me to have +her up here on the ranch for a vacation, where she could recover her +spirits and be once more fitted to enter the arena. I say I'm only too +glad to oblige, and the lady comes along. + +"She seemed right human at first--kind of haggard and overtrained, but +with plenty of fights left in her; a lady from forty-eight to fifty-four, +with a fine hearty manner that must go well on a platform, and a kind +of accusing face. That's the only word I can think of for it. She'd be +pretty busy a good part of the day with pamphlets and papers that she or +someone else had wrote, but I finally managed to get her out on a gentle +old horse--that one you're riding--so she could liven up some; and we got +along quite well together. + +"The only thing that kind of went against me was, she's one of them that +thinks a kind word and a pleasant smile will get 'em anywhere, and she +worked both on me a little too much like it was something professional. + +"Still, I put it by and listened to her tell about the awful state the +world is in, and how a few earnest women could set it right in a week if +it wasn't for the police. + +"Prison reform, for instance. That was the first topic on which she +delivered addresses to me. I couldn't make much out of it, except that we +don't rely enough on our convicts' rugged honour. It was only a side line +with her; still, she didn't slight it. She could talk at length about the +innate sterling goodness of the misunderstood burglar. I got tired of it. +I told her one day that, if you come right down to it, I'd bet the men +inside penitentiaries didn't average up one bit higher morally than the +men outside. She said, with her pleasantest smile, that I didn't +understand; so I never tried to after that. + +"The lady had a prowling mind. Mebbe that ain't the right word, but +it come to me soon after she got here. I think it was the day she begun +about our drinking water. She wanted to know what the analysis showed +it to contain. She was scared out of her pleasant smile for a minute when +she found I'd never had the water analyzed. I thought, first, the poor +thing had been reading these beer advertisements; you know--the kind they +print asking if you are certain about the purity of your drinking water, +telling of the fatal germs that will probably be swimming there, and +intimating that probably the only dead-safe bet when you are thirsty +is a pint of their pure, wholesome beer, which never yet gave typhoid +fever to any one. But, no; Julia just thought all water ought to be +analyzed on general principles, and wouldn't I have a sample of ours +sent off at once? She'd filled a bottle with some and suggested it with +her pleasantest platform smile. + +"'Yes,' I says; 'and suppose the report comes back that this water is +fatal to man and beast? And it's the only water round here. What then? +I'd be in a hell of a fix--wouldn't I?' + +"I don't deny I used to fall back on words now and then when her smile +got to me. And we went right on using water that might or might not make +spicy reading in a chemist's report; I only been here thirty years and +it's too soon to tell. Anyway, it was then I see she was gifted with a +prowling mind, which is all I can think of to call it. It went with her +accusing face. She didn't think anything in this world was as near right +as it could be made by some good woman. + +"Of course she had other things besides the water to worry about. She +was a writer, too. She would write about how friction in the home life +may be avoided by one of the parties giving in to the other and letting +the wife say how the money shall be spent, and pieces about what the +young girl should do next, and what the young wife should do if +necessary, and so on. For some reason she was paid money for these +pieces. + +"However, she was taking longer rides and getting her pep back, which +was what she had come here for. And having failed to reform anything +on the Arrowhead, she looked abroad for more plastic corruption as you +might say. She rode in one night and said she was amazed that this here +community didn't do something about Dave Pickens. That's the place we +stopped this morning. She said his children were neglected and starving, +his wife worked to the bone, and Dave doing nothing but play on a cheap +fiddle! How did they get their bread from day to day? + +"I told her no one in the wide world had ever been able to answer this +puzzle. There was Dave and his wife and five children, all healthy, and +eating somehow, and Dave never doing a stroke of work he could side-step. +I told her it was such a familiar puzzle we'd quit being puzzled by it. + +"She said someone ought to smash his fiddle and make him work. She said +she would do something about it. I applauded. I said we needed new blood +up here and she seemed to of fetched it. + +"She come back the next day with a flush of triumph on her severely +simple face. And guess the first thing she asked me to do! She asked me +to take chances in a raffle for Dave's fiddle. Yes, sir; with her kind +words and pleasant smile she had got Dave to consent to raffle off his +fiddle, and she was going to sell twenty-four chances at fifty cents a +chance, which would bring twelve dollars cash to the squalid home. I had +to respect the woman at that moment. + +"'There they are, penniless,' says she, 'and in want for the barest +necessities; and this man fiddling his time away! I had a struggle +persuading him to give up his wretched toy; but I've handled harder +cases. You should of seen the light in the mother's wan face when +he consented! The twelve dollars won't be much, though it will do +something for her and those starving children; and then he will no +longer have the instrument to tempt him.' + +"I handed over a dollar for two chances right quick, and Julia went out +to the bunk-house and wormed two dollars out of the boys there. And next +day she was out selling off the other chances. She didn't dislike the +work. It give her a chance to enter our homes and see if they needed +reforming, and if the children was subjected to refining influences, and +so on. The first day she scared parties into taking fifteen tickets, and +the second day she got rid of the rest; and the next Sunday she held the +drawing over at Dave's house. The fiddle was won by a nester from over in +Surprise Valley, who had always believed he could play one if he only +had a fair chance. + +"So this good deed was now completed, there being no music, and twelve +dollars in the Pickens home that night. And Mrs. Julia now felt that she +was ready for the next big feat of uplift, which was a lot more important +because it involved the very sanctity of the marriage tie. Yes, sir; +she'd come back from her prowling one night and told me in a hushed +voice, behind a closed door, about a couple that had been for years +living in a state of open immorality. + +"I didn't get her, at first, not thinking of Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie. +But she meant just them two. I give her a good hearty laugh, at first; +but it pained her so much I let her talk. It seems she'd gone there to +sell raffle tickets, and they'd taken four, and cooked food for her, and +give her some cherry cordial, which she took on account of being far from +a strong woman; and then Aunt Mollie had told all her past life, with +this horrid scandal about the notary public sticking innocently out of +it. + +"Mrs. Julia hadn't been able to see anything but the scandal, she being +an expert in that line. So she had started in to persuade Aunt Mollie +that it was her sacred duty to be married decently to her companion in +crime for forty years. And Aunt Mollie had been right taken with the +idea; in fact, she had entered into it with a social enthusiasm that +didn't seem to Mrs. Julia to have quite enough womanly shame for her dark +past in it. Still, anything to get the guilty couple lawful wedded; +and before she left it was all fixed. Uncle Henry was to make an honest +woman of Aunt Mollie as soon as she could get her trousseau ready. + +"Me? I didn't know whether to laugh or get mad. I said the original +marriage had satisfied the peace and dignity of the state of Washington; +and it had done more--it had even satisfied the neighbours. So why not +let it rest? But, no, indeedy! It had never been a marriage in the sight +of God and couldn't be one now. Facts was facts! And she talked some more +about Aunt Mollie not taking her false position in the proper way. + +"It had been Mrs. Julia's idea to have the preacher come up and commit +this ceremony quite furtively, with mebbe a couple of legal witnesses, +keeping everything quiet, so as not to have a public scandal. But nothing +like that for the guilty woman! She was going to have a trousseau and a +wedding, with guests and gayety. She wasn't taking it the right way at +all. It seemed like she wanted all the scandal there was going. + +"'Really, I can't understand the creature,' says Mrs. Julia. 'She even +speaks of a wedding breakfast! Can you imagine her wishing to flaunt such +a thing?' + +"It was then I decided to laugh instead of telling this lady a few things +she couldn't of put in an article. I said Aunt Mollie's taking it this +way showed how depraved people could get after forty years of it; and we +must try to humour the old trollop, the main thing being to get her and +her debased old Don Juan into a legal married state, even if they did +insist on going in with a brass band. Julia said she was glad I took it +this way. + +"She came back to my room again that night, after her hair was down. The +only really human thing this lady ever did, so far as I could discover, +was to put some of this magic remedy on her hair that restores the +natural colour if the natural colour happened to be what this remedy +restores it to. Any way, she now wanted to know if I thought it was right +for Aunt Mollie to continue to reside there in that house between now and +the time when they would be lawful man and wife. I said no; I didn't +think it was right. I thought it was a monstrous infamy and an affront +to public morals; but mebbe we better resolve to ignore it and plow a +straight furrow, without stopping to pull weeds. She sadly said she +supposed I was right. + +"So Uncle Henry hitched up his fat white horse to the buggy, and him and +Aunt Mollie drove round the country for three days, inviting folks to +their wedding. Aunt Mollie had the time of her life. It seemed as if +there wasn't no way whatever to get a sense of shame into that brazen old +hussy. And when this job was done she got busy with her trousseau, which +consisted of a bridge gown in blue organdie, and a pair of high white +shoes. She didn't know what a bridge gown was for, but she liked the +looks of one in a pattern book and sent down to Red Gap for Miss +Gunslaugh to bring up the stuff and make it. And she'd always had this +secret yearning for a pair of high white shoes; so they come up, too. + +"Furthermore, Aunt Mollie had read the city paper for years and knew +about wedding breakfasts; so she was bound to have one of those. It +looked like a good time was going to be had by all present except the +lady who started it. Mrs. Julia was more malignantly scandalized by these +festal preparations than she had been by the original crime; but she had +to go through with it now. + +"The date had been set and we was within three days of it when Aunt +Mollie postponed it three days more because Dave Pickens couldn't be +there until this later day. Mrs. Julia made a violent protest, because +she had made her plans to leave for larger fields of crime; but Aunt +Mollie was stubborn. She said Dave Pickens was one of the oldest +neighbours and she wouldn't have a wedding he couldn't attend; and +besides, marriage was a serious step and she wasn't going to be hurried +into it. + +"So Mrs. Julia went to a lot of trouble about her ticket and +reservations, and stayed over. She was game enough not to run out +before Uncle Henry had made Aunt Mollie a lady. I was a good deal +puzzled about this postponement. Dave Pickens was nothing to postpone +anything for. There never was any date that he couldn't be anywhere--at +least, unless he had gone to work after losing his fiddle, which was +highly ridiculous. + +"The date held this time. We get word the wedding is to be held in the +evening and that everyone must stay there overnight. This was surprising, +but simple after Aunt Mollie explained it. The guests, of course, had +to stay over for the wedding breakfast. Aunt Mollie had figured it all +out. A breakfast is something you eat in the morning, about six-thirty or +seven; so a wedding breakfast must be held the morning after the wedding. +You couldn't fool Aunt Mollie on social niceties. + +"Anyway, there we all was at the wedding; Uncle Henry in his black suit +and his shiny new teeth, and Aunt Mollie in her bridge gown and white +shoes, and this young minister that wore a puzzled look from start +to finish. I guess he never did know what kind of a game he was helping +out in. But he got through with the ceremony. There proved to be not +a soul present knowing any reason why this pair shouldn't be joined +together in holy wedlock, though Mrs. Julia looked more severe than usual +at this part of the ceremony. Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie was firm in +their responses and promised to cling to each other till death did them +part. They really sounded as if they meant it. + +"Mrs. Julia looked highly noble and sweet when all was over, like she had +rescued an erring sister from the depths. You could see she felt that the +world would indeed be a better place if she could only give a little +more time to it. + +"We stood round and talked some after the ceremony; but not for long. +Aunt Mollie wound the clock and set the mouse-trap, and hustled us all +off to bed so we could be up bright and early for the wedding breakfast. +You'd think she'd been handling these affairs in metropolitan society for +years. The women slept on beds and sofas, and different places, and the +men slept out in the barn and in a tent Uncle Henry had put up or took +their blanket rolls and bunked under a tree. + +"Then ho! for the merry wedding breakfast at six-thirty A.M.! The wedding +breakfast consisted of ham and eggs and champagne. Yes, sir; don't think +Aunt Mollie had overlooked the fashionable drink. Hadn't she been reading +all her life about champagne being served at wedding breakfasts? So there +it was in a new wash boiler, buried in cracked ice. And while the women +was serving the ham and eggs and hot biscuits at the long table built out +in the side yard, Uncle Henry exploded several bottles of this wine and +passed it to one and all, and a toast was drunk to the legal bride and +groom; after which eating was indulged in heartily. + +"It was a merry feast, even without the lobster salad, which Aunt Mollie +apologized for not having. She said she knew lobster salad went with a +wedding breakfast, the same as champagne; but the canned lobster she had +ordered hadn't come, so we'd have to make out with the home-cured ham and +some pork sausage that now come along. Nobody seemed downhearted about +the missing lobster salad. Uncle Henry passed up and down the table +filling cups and glasses, and Aunt Mollie, in her wedding finery, kept +the food coming with some buckwheat cakes at the finish. + +"It was a very satisfactory wedding breakfast, if any one should ever +make inquiries of you. By the time Uncle Henry had the ends out of half +the champagne bottles I guess everyone there was glad he had decided +to drag Aunt Mollie back from the primrose path. + +"It all passed off beautifully, except for one tragedy. Oh, yes; there's +always something to mar these affairs. But this hellish incident didn't +come till the very last. After the guests had pretty well et themselves +to a standstill, Dave Pickens got up and come back with a fiddle, and +stood at the end of the grape arbour and played a piece. + +"'Someone must have supplied that wretch with another fiddle!' says Mrs. +Julia, who was kind of cross, anyway, having been bedded down on a short +sofa and not liking champagne for breakfast--and, therefore, not liking +to see others drink it. + +"'Oh, he's probably borrowed one for your celebration,' I says. + +"Dave played a couple more lively pieces; and pretty soon, when we got up +from the table, he come over to Mrs. Julia and me. + +"'It's a peach of a fiddle,' says Dave. 'It says in the catalogue it's a +genuine Cremonika--looks like a Cremona and plays just as good. I bet +it's the best fiddle in the world to be had for twelve dollars!' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Julia, erecting herself like an alarmed +rattlesnake. + +"'Sure! It's a genuine twelve-dollar one,' says Dave proudly. 'My old +one, that you so kindly raffled off, cost only five. I always wanted a +better one, but I never had the money to spare till you come along. It's +awful hard to save up money round here.' + +"'Do you mean to tell me--' says Mrs. Julia. She was so mad she couldn't +get any farther. Dave thought she was merely enthusiastic about his new +fiddle. + +"'Sure! Only twelve dollars for this beauty,' he says, fondling the +instrument. 'We got down the mail-order catalogue the minute you left +that money with us, and had a postal order on the way to Chicago that +very night. I must say, lady, you brought a great pleasure into our +life.' + +"'What about your poor wife?' snaps Mrs. Julia. + +"His poor wife comes up just then and looks affectionately at Dave and +the new fiddle. + +"'He spent that money for another fiddle!' says Mrs. Julia to her in low +tones of horror. + +"'Sure! What did you think he was going to do with it?' says Mrs. Dave. +'I must say we had two mighty dull weeks while Dave was waiting for this +new one. He just mopes round the house when he ain't got anything +to play on. But this is a lot better than the old fiddle; it was worth +waiting for. Did you thank the lady, Dave?' + +"Mrs. Julia was now plumb speechless and kind of weak. And on top of +these blows up comes Aunt Mollie the new-wed, and beams fondly on her. + +"'There!' says she. 'Ain't that a fine new fiddle that Dave bought with +his twelve dollars? And wasn't it worth postponing my wedding for, so we +could have some music?' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Julia again. 'Why did you postpone it?' + +"'Because the fiddle didn't get here till last night,' says Aunt Mollie, +'and I wasn't going to have a wedding without music. It wouldn't seem +right. And don't you think, yourself, it's a lot better fiddle than +Dave's old one?' + +"So this poor Mrs. Julia woman was now stricken for fair, thinking of all +the trouble she'd been to about her tickets, and all to see this new +fiddle. + +"She went weakly into the house and lay down, with a headache, till I was +ready to leave the gay throng. And the next day she left us to our fate. +Still, she'd done us good. Dave has a new fiddle and Aunt Mollie has her +high white shoes. So now you know all about it." + +We neared the Arrowhead gate. Presently its bell would peal a sweet +message to those who laboured. Ma Pettengill turned in her saddle to scan +the western horizon. + +"A red sun has water in his eye," said she. "Well, a good soak won't hurt +us." + +And a moment later: + +"Curious thing about reformers: They don't seem to get a lot of pleasure +out of their labours unless the ones they reform resist and suffer, and +show a proper sense of their degradation. I bet a lot of reformers would +quit to-morrow if they knew their work wasn't going to bother people +any." + + + + +VI + +THE PORCH WREN + + +So it befell, in a shining and memorable interlude that there was +talk of the oldest living boy scout, who was said to have rats in his +wainscoting; of the oldest living débutante, who was also a porch wren; +and of the body snatcher. Little of the talk was mine; a query now and +again. It was Ma Pettengill's talk, and I put it here for what it may be +worth, hoping I may close-knit and harmonize its themes, so diverse +as that of the wardrobe trunk, the age of the earth, what every woman +thinks she knows, and the Upper Silurian trilobites. + +It might be well to start with the concrete, and baby's picture seems +to be an acceptable springboard from which to dive into the recital. It +came in the evening's mail and was extended to me by Mrs. Lysander John +Pettengill, with poorly suppressed emotion. The thing excited no emotion +in me that I could not easily suppress. It was the most banal of all +snapshots--a young woman bending Madonna-wise above something carefully +swathed, flanked by a youngish man who revealed a self-conscious smirk +through his carefully pointed beard. The light did harshly by the bent +faces of the couple and the disclosed fragment of the swathed thing was +a weakish white blob. + +I need not say that there must be millions of these pathetic revealments +burdening our mails day by day. I myself must have looked coldly upon +over a thousand. + +"Well, what of it?" I demanded shortly. + +"I bet you can't guess what's in that bundle!" said my hostess in a large +playful manner. + +I said what I could see of it looked like a half portion of plain boiled +cauliflower, but that in all probability the object was an infant, a +human infant--or, to use a common expression, a baby. Whereupon the lady +drew herself up and remarked in the clipped accent of a parrot: + +"No, sir; it's a carboniferous trilobite of the Upper Silurian." + +This, indeed, piqued me. It made a difference. I said was it possible? +Mrs. Pettengill said it was worse than possible; it was inevitable. She +seemed about to rest there; so I accused her of ill-natured jesting and +took up the previous day's issue of the Red Gap _Recorder_, meaning to +appear bored. It worked. + +"Well, if Professor Oswald Pennypacker don't call his infant that, you +can bet your new trout rod he calls it something just as good. Mebbe I +better read what the proud mother says." + +"It would be the kind thing before you spread evil reports," I murmured +in a tone of gentle rebuke. + +So the woman polished her nose glasses and read a double sheet of +long up-and-down calligraphy--that is, she read until she exploded +in triumphant retort: + +"Ha! There now! Don't I know a thing or two? Listen: 'Oswald is so +enraptured with the mite; you would never guess what he calls it--"My +little flower with bones and a voice!"' Now! Don't tell me I didn't have +Oswald's number. I knew he wouldn't be satisfied to call it a baby; he'd +be bound to name it something animal, vegetable, or mineral. Ain't it the +truth? 'Little flower with bones and a voice!' What do you know about +that? That's a scientist trying to be poetic. + +"And here--get this: She says that one hour after the thing was born the +happy father was caught by the doctor and nurse seeing if it could hold +its own weight up on a broomstick, like a monkey. She says he was acutely +distressed when these authorities deprived him of the custody of his +child. Wouldn't that fade you? Trying to see if a baby one hour old could +chin itself! Quite all you would wish to know about Oswald." + +I hastily said no; it was not nearly all I wanted to know about Oswald. +I wanted to know much more. Almost any one would. The lady once more +studied the hairy face with its bone-rimmed glasses. + +"Shucks!" said she. "He don't look near as proud in this as he does in +that one he sent me himself--here, where is that thing?" + +From the far end of the big table she brought under the lamp a basket +of Indian weave and excavated from its trove of playing cards, tobacco +sacks, cigarette papers, letters, and odd photographs another snapshot +of Oswald. It was a far different scene. Here Oswald stood erect beside +the mounted skeleton of some prehistoric giant reptile that dwarfed yet +left him somehow in kingly triumph. + +"There now!" observed the lady. "Don't he look a heap more egregious by +that mess of bones than he does by his own flesh and blood? Talk about +pride!" + +And I saw that it was so. Here Oswald looked the whole world in the face, +proud indeed! One hand rested upon the beast's kneecap in a proprietary +caress. Oswald looked too insufferably complacent. It was the look to be +forgiven a man only when he wears it in the presence of his first-born. +If snapshots tell anything at all, these told that Oswald was the father +of a mammoth sauropod and had merely dug up the baby in a fossil bed +somewhere. + +"That's where the man's heart really lies," said his stern critic, +"even if he does drivel about his little flower with bones and a voice! +Probably by now he's wishing the voice had been left out of his little +flower." Impressively she planted a rigid forefinger on the print of the +mounted skeleton. + +"That there," she glibly rattled off, "is the organic remains of a +three-toed woolly bronsolumphicus of the carboniferous limestone, or +Upper Silurian trilobite period. I believe I have the name correct. +It was dug up out of a dry lake in Wyoming that years ago got to be +mere loblolly, so that this unfortunate critter bogged down in it. The +poor thing passed on about six million or four hundred million years +ago--somewhere along there. Oswald and his new father-in-law dug it +from its quiet resting place in the old cemetery. Such is their +thrilling work in life. + +"This father-in-law is just an old body snatcher that snoops round +robbing the graves of antiquity and setting up his loot in their museum +at the university. No good telling that old ghoul to let the dead rest. +He simply won't hear of it. He wants remains. He wants to have 'em out +in the light of day and stick labels on their long-peaceful skulls. He +don't act subdued or proper about it either, or kind of buttery sad, like +a first-class undertaker. He's gleeful. Let him find the skeleton of +something as big as a freight car, that perished far in the dead past, +and he's as tickled as a kid shooting at little sister with his new air +gun. + +"Bones in his weakness--and periods of geology. He likes period bones +the way some folks like period furniture; and rocks and geography and +Lower Triassics, and so forth. He knows how old the earth is within a +few hundred million years; how the scantling and joists for it was put +together, and all the different kinds of teeth that wild animals have. +He's a scientist. Oswald is a scientist. I was a scientist myself two +summers ago when they was up here. + +"By the time they left I could talk a lot of attractive words. I could +speak whole sentences so good that I could hardly understand myself. Of +course after they left I didn't keep up my science. I let myself get +rusty in it. I probably don't know so much more about it now than you +would. Oh, perhaps a little more. It would all come back to me if I took +it up again." + +So I said that I had nothing to do for an hour or so, and if she would +not try to be scientific, but talk in her own homely words, I might +consent to listen; in this event she might tell the whole thing, omitting +nothing, however trifling it might seem to her, because she was no proper +judge of values. I said it was true I might be overtaken by sleep, since +my day had been a hard one, reaching clear to the trout pool under the +big falls and involving the transportation back to seventeen rainbow +trout weighing well over seventeen pounds, more or less, though feeling +much like more. And what about Oswald and the primeval ooze, and so +forth. And would it be important if true? The lady said--well, yes, and +no; but, however-- + +He's Professor Marwich up at the university--this confirmed old coroner +I'm telling you about. Has a train of capital letters streaming along +after he's all through with his name. I don't know what they mean--doctor +of dental surgery, I guess, or zoology or fractions or geography, or +whatever has to do with rocks and animals and vertebraes. He ain't a bad +old scout out of business hours. He pirooted round here one autumn about +a dozen years ago and always threatened to come back and hold some more +of these here inquests on the long departed; but I heard nothing until +two summers ago. He wrote that he wanted to come up to do field work. +That's the innocent name he calls his foul trade by. And he wanted to +bring his assistant, Professor Pennypacker; and could I put them up? + +I said if they would wait till haying was over I could and would. He +answered they would wait till my hay was garnered--that's the pretty word +he used--and could he also bring his mouthless chit with him? I didn't +quite make him. He writes a hand that would never get by in a business +college. I thought it might be something tame he carried in a cage, and +would stay quiet all day while he was out pursuing his repulsive +practices. It didn't sound troublesome. + +I never made a worse guess. It was his daughter he talked about that +way. She was all right enough, though astounding when you had expected +something highly zoological and mouthless instead of motherless. She was +a tall roan girl with the fashionable streamline body, devoted to the +ukulele and ladies' wearing apparel. But not so young as that sounds. Her +general manner of conduct was infantile enough, but she had tired eyes +and a million little lines coming round 'em, and if you got her in a +strong light you saw she was old enough to have a serious aim in life. + +She did use massage cream and beauty lotions with a deep seriousness +you wouldn't suspect her of when she sat out in the hammock in the +moonlight and scratched this ukulele and acted the part of a mere porch +wren. That was really the girl's trade; all she'd ever learned. Mebbe +she had misspent her early youth, or mebbe she wasn't meant for anything +else--just a butterfly with some of the gold powder brushed off and the +wings a little mite crumpled. + +Gee! How times have changed since I took my own hair out of a braid! +In them fond old days when a girl didn't seem attractive enough for +marriage she took up a career--school-teaching probably--and was looked +at sidewise by her family. It's different now. In this advanced day a +girl seems to start for the career first and take up marriage only when +all other avenues is closed. She's the one that is now regarded by her +brainy sisters as a failure. I consider it an evil state for the world +to be in--but no matter; I can't do anything about it from up here, with +haytime coming on. + +Anyway, this Lydia girl had not been constructed for any career requiring +the serious use of the head; and yet so far she had failed in the other +one. She was on the way to being an outcast if she didn't pull something +desperate pretty soon. She was looking down on thirty, and I bet her +manner hadn't changed a bit since she was looking up to twenty. + +Of course she'd learned things about her game. Living round a college she +must of tried her wiles on at least ten graduating classes of young men. +Naturally she'd learned technique and feminine knavery. She was still +flirty enough. She had a little short upper lip that she could lift with +great pathos. And the party hadn't more than landed here when I saw that +at last she did have a serious aim in life. + +It was this here assistant to her father, who was named Professor Oswald +Pennypacker; and he was a difficult aim in life, because he didn't need a +wife any more than the little dicky birds need wrist watches. You seen +his picture there. About thirty-five he was and had devoted all his years +to finding out the names of wild animals, which is said to be one of our +best sciences. He hadn't got round to women yet. A good snappy skeleton +of one might of entertained him if he could of dug it up himself and +called it a sedimentary limestone; but he had never trifled with one that +was still in commission and ornamented with flesh and clothes. + +And fussy! I wish you could of seen that man's room after he had +carefully unpacked! A place for everything, and he had everything, +too--everything in the world. And if someone switched his soap over to +where his tooth paste belonged it upset his whole day. The Chink never +dared to go into his room after the first morning. Oswald even made his +own bed. Easy to call him an old maid, but I never saw any woman suffer +as much agony in her neatness. + +His shoes had to be in a row, and his clothes and hats and caps had to +be in a row, and there was only one hook in the room his pyjamas could +lawfully hang on, and his talcum powder had to stand exactly between +the mosquito dope and the bay rum, which had to be flanked precisely by +his manicure tools and succeeded by something he put on his hair, which +was going the way of all flesh. If some marauder had entered his room in +the night and moved his compass over to where his fountain pen belonged +he would of woke up instantly and screamed. + +And then his new wardrobe trunk! This was a great and holy joy that +had come into his bleak life; all new and shiny and complicated, with +a beautiful brass lock, one side for clothes on correct hangers and the +other side full of drawers and compartments and secret recesses, where +he could hide things from himself. It was like a furnished flat, that +trunk. And this was his first adventure out in the great cruel world +with it. He cherished it as a man had ought to cherish his bride. + +He had me in to gaze upon it that first afternoon. You'd of thought he +was trying to sell it to me, the way he showed it off. It stood on end, +having a bulge like a watermelon in the top, so no vandal could stand +it up wrong; and it was wide open to show the two insides. He opened up +every room in it, so I could marvel at 'em. He fawned on that trunk. And +at the last he showed me a little brass hook he had screwed into the +side where the clothes hangers was. It was a very important hook. He hung +the keys of the trunk on it; two keys, strung on a cord, and the cord +neatly on the hook. This, he told me, was so the keys would never +get lost. + +"I always have a dread I may lose those keys," says he. "That would be a +catastrophe indeed, would it not? So I plan to keep them on that hook; +then I shall always know where they are." + +The crafty wretch! He could wake up in the night and put his hand on +those keys in the dark. Probably he often done so. I spoke a few simple +words of praise for his sagacity. And after this interesting lecture on +his trunk and its keys, and a good look at the accurate layout of his one +million belongings, I had his number. He was the oldest living boy scout. + +And this poor girl with the designful eyes on him was the oldest +living debutante. I learned afterward that the great aim of science +is classification. I had these two classified in no time, like I'd +been pottering away at science all my life. Why, say, this Oswald +person even carried a patent cigar lighter that worked! You must of seen +hundreds of them nickel things that men pay money for. They work fine in +the store where you buy 'em. But did you ever see one work after the man +got it outside, where he needed it? The owner of one always takes it out, +looking strained and nervous, and presses the spring; and nothing happens +except that he swears and borrows a match. But Oswald's worked every +time. It was uncanny! Only a boy scout could of done it. + +So they got settled and the field work begun next day. The two men would +ride off early to a place about five miles north of here that used to be +an ancient lake--so I was told. I don't know whether it did or not. It's +dry enough now. It certainly can't be considered any part of our present +water supply. They would take spades and hammers and magnifying glasses +and fountain pens, and Oswald's cigar lighter and some lunch, and come +back at night with a fine mess of these here trilobites and vertebrae; +and ganoids and petrified horseflies, and I don't know what all; mebbe +oyster shells, or the footprints of a bird left in solid rock, or the +outlines of starfish, or a shrimp that was fifty-two million years old +and perfectly useless. + +They seemed to have a good time. And Oswald would set up late writing +remarks about the petrified game they had brought in. + +I didn't used to see much of 'em, except at night when we'd gather for +the evening meal. But their talk at those times did wonders for me. All +about the aims of science and how we got here and what of it. The Prof +was a bulky old boy, with long gray hair and long black eyebrows, and +the habit of prevailing in argument. Him and Oswald never did agree on +anything in my hearing, except the Chink's corn muffins; and they looked +kind of mad at each other when they had to agree on them. + +Take the age of this earth on which we make our living. They never got +within a couple of hundred million years of each other. Oswald was strong +for the earth's being exactly fifty-seven million years old. Trust him to +have it down fine! And the old man hung out for four hundred million. +They used to get all fussed up about this. + +They quoted authorities. One scientist had figured close and found it was +fifty-six million years. And another, who seemed to be a headliner in the +world of science, said it was between twenty million and four hundred +million, with a probability of its being ninety-eight million. I kind of +liked that scientist. He seemed so human, like a woman in a bean-guessing +contest at the county fair. But still another scientist had horned in +with a guess of five hundred million years, which was at least easy to +remember. + +Of course I never did much but listen, even when they argued this thing +that I knew all about; for back in Fredonia, New York, where I went to +Sunday-school, it was settled over fifty years ago. Our dear old pastor +told us the earth was exactly six thousand years old. But I let the poor +things talk on, not wanting to spoil their fun. When one of 'em said the +world was made at least fifty-seven million years ago I merely said it +didn't look anywhere near as old as that, and let it go. + +We had some merry little meals for about a month. If it wasn't the age +of God's footstool it would be about what we are descended from, the +best bet in sight being that it's from fishes that had lungs and breathed +under water as easy as anything, which at least put dimmers on that old +monkey scandal in our ancestry. Or, after we moved outside on the porch, +which we had to do on account of Oswald smoking the very worst cigars he +was able to find in all the world, they would get gabby about all things +in the world being simply nothing, which is known to us scientists as +metaphysics. + +Metaphysics is silly-simple--like one, two, three. It consists of subject +and object. I only think I'm knitting this here sock. There ain't any +sock here and there ain't any me. We're illusions. The sound of that +Chink washing dishes out in the kitchen is a mere sensation inside my +head. So's the check for eighty dollars I will have to hand him on the +first of the month--though the fool bank down in Red Gap will look on +it with uneducated eyes and think it's real. Philosophers have dug into +these matters and made 'em simple for us. It took thousands of books to +do it; but it's done at last. Everything is nothing. Ask any scientist; +he'll make it just as clear to you as a mist in a fog. + +And even nothing itself ain't real. They go to that extreme. Not even +empty space is real. And the human mind can't comprehend infinite space. +I got kind of hot when one of 'em said that. I asked 'em right off +whether the human mind could comprehend space that had an end to it. Of +course it can't comprehend anything else but infinite space. I had 'em, +all right; they had to change the subject. So they switched over to free +will. None of us has it. + +That made me hot again. I told 'em to try for even five minutes and see +if they could act as if they didn't have the power of choice. Of course +I had 'em again. Mebbe there ain't free will, but we can't act as if +there wasn't. Those two would certainly make the game of poker impossible +if folks believed 'em. + +I nearly broke up the party that night. I said it was a shame young men +was being taught such stuff when they could just as well go to some good +agricultural college and learn about soils and crops and what to do in +case of a sick bull. Furthermore, I wanted to know what they would do to +earn their daily bread when they'd got everything dug up and labelled. +Pretty soon they'd have every last organic remains put into a catalogue, +the whole set complete and unbroken--and then what? They'd be out of a +job. + +The Prof laughed and said let the future take care of itself. He said we +couldn't tell what might happen, because, as yet, we was nothing really +but supermonkeys. That's what he called our noble race--supermonkeys! +So I said yes; and these here philosophers that talked about subject and +object and the nothingness of nothing reminded me of monkeys that get +hold of a looking-glass and hold it up and look into it, and then sneak +one paw round behind the glass to catch the other monkey. So he laughed +again and said "Not bad, that!" + +You could kid the Prof, which is more than I can say for Oswald. Oswald +always took a joke as if you'd made it beside the casket holding all that +was mortal of his dear mother. In the presence of lightsome talk poor +Oswald was just a chill. He was an eater of spoon-meat, and finicking. +He could talk like Half Hours With the World's Best Authors, and yet had +nothing to say but words. + +Still, I enjoyed them evenings. I learned to be interested in vital +questions and to keep up with the world's best thought, in company +with these gents that was a few laps ahead of it. But not so with the +motherless chit. This here Lydia made no effort whatever to keep up with +the world's best thought. She didn't seem to care if she never perfected +her intellect. It would of been plain to any eye that she was spreading +a golden mesh for the Oswald party; yet she never made the least clumsy +effort to pander to his high ideals. + +She was a wonder, that girl! All day she would set round the house, +with her hair down, fixing over a lace waist or making fudge, and not +appearing to care much about life. Come night, when the party was due to +return, she would spry up, trick herself out in something squashy, with +the fashionable streamlike effect and a pretty pair of hammock stockings +with white slippers, and become an animated porch wren. That seemed to +be the limit of her science. + +Most motherless chits would of pretended a feverish interest in the +day's hunt for fossil cockroaches, and would even of gone out to chip +off rocks with a hammer; but not Lydia. She would never pretend to the +least infatuation for organic remains, and would, like as not, strike up +something frivolous on her ukulele while Oswald was right in the middle +of telling all about the secret of life. She was confident all the time, +though, like she already had him stuffed and mounted. She reminded me of +that girl in the play What Every Woman Thinks She Knows. + +Lydia had great ideas of cooking, which is an art to ensnare males. She +said she was a dandy cook and could make Saratoga chips that was all to +the Kenosha--whatever that meant. Think of it--Saratoga chips! Over eight +hundred ways to cook potatoes, and all good but one; and, of course, +she'd have to hit on this only possible way to absolutely ruin potatoes. +She could cook other things, too--fudge and stuffed eggs and cheese +straws, the latter being less than no food at all. It gives you a line +on her. + +I suppose it was all you could expect from a born debutante that had been +brought up to be nice to college boys on a moonlit porch, allowing them +to put another sofa pillow back of her, and wearing their class pins, and +so forth. And here she was come to thirty, with fudge and cheese straws +and the ukulele still bounding her mental horizon, yet looking far above +her station to one of Oswald's serious magnitude. + +I never have made out what she saw in him. But then we never do. She +used to kid about him--and kid him, for that matter. She'd say to me: +"He does care frightfully about himself, doesn't he?" And she said to +me and said to him that he had mice in his wainscoting. Mice or rats, +I forget which. Any wise bookmaker would of posted her up in this race +as a hundred-to-one shot. She had plenty of blandishment for Oswald, but +not his kind. She'd try to lure him with furtive femininity and plaintive +melodies when she ought to have been putting on a feverish interest in +organic fauna. Oswald generally looked through or past her. He give a +whole lot more worry to whether his fountain pen would clog up on him. +They was both set in their ways, and they was different ways; it looked +to me like they never could meet. They was like a couple of trained seals +that have learned two different lines of tricks. + +Of course Oswald was sunk at last, sunk by a chance shot; and there +was no doubt about his being destroyed, quantities of oil marking the +surface where he went down. But it seemed like pure chance. Yet, if you +believe Oswald and scientific diagnosis, he'd been up against it since +the world was first started, twenty million or five hundred million years +ago--I don't really know how many; but what's a few million years between +scientists? I don't know that I really care. It's never kept me wakeful +a night yet. I'd sooner know how to get eighty-five per cent. of calves. + +Anyway, it was Oswald's grand new wardrobe trunk that had been +predestined from the world's beginning to set him talkative about his +little flower with bones and a voice; this same new wardrobe trunk that +was the pride of his barren life and his one real worry because he +might sometime lose the keys to it. + +It's an affecting tale. It begun the night Oswald wanted the extra table +put in his room. They'd come in that day with a good haul of the oldest +inhabitants round here that had passed to their long rest three million +years ago--petrified fishworms and potato bugs, and so forth, and rocks +with bird tracks on 'em. Oswald was as near human as I'd seen him, on +account of having found a stone caterpillar or something--I know it had +a name longer than it was; it seemed to be one like no one else had, and +would therefore get him talked about, even if it had passed away three +million years before the Oregon Short Line was built. + +And Oswald went on to ask if he could have this extra table in his room, +because these specimens of the disturbed dead was piling up on him and he +wanted to keep 'em in order. He had lighted one of his terrible cigars; +so I said I would quickly go and see about a table. I said that with his +venomous cigar going I would quickly have to go and see about something +or else have my olfactory nerve resected, which was a grand scientific +phrase I had brightly picked out and could play with one finger. It means +having something done so you can't smell any more. + +The Prof laughed heartily, but Oswald only said he hadn't supposed I +would feel that way, considering the kind of tobacco my own cigarettes +was made of, though he was sorry and would hereafter smoke out of doors. +He took a joke like a child taking castor oil. Anyway, I went out and +found a spare table in the storeroom, and the Chink took it to Oswald's +room. + +The fateful moment was at hand for which Nature had been conspiring all +these ages. The Chink held the table up against him, with the legs +sticking out, and Oswald went ahead to show him where to put it. Close +by the door, inside his room, was the lovely, yawning new trunk. Oswald +must of been afraid one of the table legs would spear it and mar its fair +varnish. He raised one hand to halt the table, then closed the trunk +tenderly, snapped the lock, and moved it over into the corner, beyond +chance of desecration. + +Then he give careful directions for placing the table, which had to be +carried round the foot of the bed and past another table, which held +marine fossils and other fishbones. It was placed between this table +and still another, which held Oswald's compass and microscope and his +kill-kare kamp stove and his first-aid kit and his sportsman's belt +safe--all neatly arranged in line. I had followed to see if there was +anything more he needed, and he said no, thank you. So I come out here +to look over my mail that had just come. + +Ten minutes later I felt the presence of a human being and looked up to +see that Oswald, the oldest living boy scout, was dying on his feet in +the doorway there. His face looked like he had been in jail three years. +I thought he had seen a ghost or had a heart shock. He looked as if he +was going to keel over. He had me scared. Finally he dragged himself over +to the table here and says faintly: + +"I believe I should like a severe drink of whisky!" + +I didn't ask any questions. I saw it must be some private grief; so I got +the whisky. It happened I had just one bottle in the house, and that was +some perfectly terrible whisky that had been sent me by mistake. It was +liquid barbed wire. Even a little drink of it would of been severe. Two +drinks would make you climb a tree like a monkey. But the stricken Oswald +seemed able to outfight it. He poured out half a tumblerful, drunk it +neat and refused water. He strangled some, for he was only human after +all. Then he sagged down on the couch and looked up at me with a feeble +and pathetic grin and says: + +"I'm afraid I've done something. I'm really afraid I have." + +He had me in a fine state by this time. The only thing I could think of +was that he had killed the Prof by accident. I waited for the horrible +details, being too scared to ask questions. + +"I'm afraid," he says, "that I've locked the keys of my new trunk inside +of it. I'm afraid I really have! And what does one do in such a case?" + +I nearly broke down then. I was in grave danger of fatal hysterics. +I suffered from the reaction. I couldn't trust myself; so I got over +to the door, where my face wouldn't show, and called to the Prof and +Lydia. I now heard them out on the porch. Then I edged outside the +door, where people wouldn't be quite so scared if I lost control of +myself and yelled. + +Then these two went in and listened to Oswald's solemn words. The Prof +helped me out a lot. He yelled good. He yelled his head off; and under +cover of his tumult I managed to get in a few whoops of my own, so that +I could once more act something like a lady when I went in. + +Lydia, the porch wren, was the only one to take Oswald's bereavement at +all decent. The chit was sucking a stick of candy she had shoved down +into a lemon. Having run out of town candy, one of the boys had fetched +her some of the old-fashioned stick kind, with pink stripes; she would +ram one of these down to the bottom of a lemon and suck up the juice +through the candy. She looked entirely useless while she was doing this, +and yet she was the only one to show any human sympathy. + +She asked the stricken man how it happened, and he told the whole +horrible story--how he always kept the keys hanging on this little +brass hook inside the trunk so he would know where they was, and how he +had shut the trunk in a hurry to get it out of the way of the table legs, +and the spring lock had snapped. And what did one do now--if anything? + +"Why, it's perfectly simple! You open it some other way," says Lydia. + +"Ah, but how?" says Oswald. "Those trunks are superbly built. How can +one?" + +"Oh, it must be easy," says Lydia, still clinging to her candy sour. +"I'll open it for you to-morrow if you will remind me." + +"Remind you?" says Oswald in low, tragic tones. You could see he was +never going to think of anything else the rest of his life. + +By this time the Prof and I had controlled our heartless merriment; so we +all traipsed in to the scene of this here calamity and looked at the shut +trunk. It was shut good; no doubt about that. There was also no doubt +about the keys being inside. + +"You can hear them rattle!" says the awed Oswald, teetering the trunk on +one corner. So each one of us took a turn and teetered the trunk back and +forth and heard the imprisoned keys jingle against the side where they +was hung. + +"But what's to be done?" says Oswald. "Of course something must be done." +That seemed to be about where Oswald got off. + +"Why, simply open it some other way," says Lydia, which seemed to be +about where she got off, too. + +"But how?" moans the despairing man. And she again says: + +"Oh, it must be too simple!" + +At that she was sounding the only note of hope Oswald could hear; and +right then I believe he looked at her fair and square for the first time +in his life. He was finding a woman his only comforter in his darkest +hour. + +The Prof took it lightly indeed. He teetered the trunk jauntily and says: + +"Your device was admirable; you will always know where those keys are." +Then he teetered it again and says, like he was lecturing on a platform: +"This is an ideal problem for the metaphysical mind. Here, veritably, +is life itself. We pick it up, we shake it, and we hear the tantalizing +key to existence rattle plainly just inside. We know the key to be there; +we hear it in every manifestation of life. Our problem is to think it +out. It is simple, as my child has again and again pointed out. Sit there +before your trunk and think effectively, with precision. You will then +think the key out. I would take it in hand myself, but I have had a hard +day." + +Then Lydia releases her candy long enough to say how about finding +some other trunk keys that will unlock it. Oswald is both hurt and made +hopeful by this. He don't like to think his beautiful trunk could respond +to any but its rightful key; it would seem kind of a slur against its +integrity. Still, he says it may be tried. Lydia says try it, of course; +and if no other key unlocks it she will pick the lock with a hairpin. +Oswald is again bruised by this suggestion; but he bears up like a man. +And so we dig up all the trunk keys and other small keys we can find and +try to fool that trunk. And nothing doing! + +"I was confident of it," says Oswald; he's really disappointed, yet proud +as Punch because his trunk refuses coldly to recognize these strange +keys. + +Then Lydia brings a bunch of hairpins and starts to be a burglar. She +says in clear tones that it is perfectly simple; and she keeps on saying +exactly this after she's bent the whole pack out of shape and not won a +trick. Yet she cheered Oswald a lot, in spite of her failures. She never +for one instant give in that it wasn't simple to open a trunk without the +key. + +But it was getting pretty late for one night, so Oswald and Lydia knocked +off and set out on the porch a while. Oswald seemed to be awakening +to her true woman's character, which comes out clad in glory at times +when things happen. She told him she would sure have that trunk opened +to-morrow with some more hairpins--or something. + +But in the morning she rushed to Oswald and said they would have the +blacksmith up to open it. He would be sure to open it in one minute with +a few tools; and how stupid of her not to of thought of it before! I +liked that way she left Oswald out of any brain work that had to be done. +So they sent out to Abner to do the job, telling him what was wanted. + +Abner is a simple soul. He come over with a hammer and a cold chisel to +cut the lock off. He said there wasn't any other way. Oswald listened +with horror to this cold-blooded plan of murder and sent Abner sternly +away. Lydia was indignant, too, at the painful suggestion. She said Abner +was a shocking old bounder. + +Then Oswald had to go out to his field work; but his heart couldn't +of been in it that day. I'll bet he could of found the carcass of a +petrified zebra with seven legs and not been elated by it. He had +only the sweet encouragement of Lydia to brace him. He was depending +pathetically on that young woman. + +He got back that night to find that Lydia had used up another pack of +hairpins and a number of the tools from my sewing machine. All had been +black failure, but she still said it was perfectly simple. She never lost +the note of hope out of her voice. Oswald was distressed, but he had to +regard her more and more like an object of human interest. + +She now said it was a simple matter of more keys. So the next day I sent +one of the boys down to Red Gap; and he rode a good horse to its finish +and come back with about five dozen nice little trunk keys with sawed +edges. They looked cheerful and adequate, and we spent a long, jolly +evening trying 'em out. Not one come anywhere near getting results. + +Oswald's trunk was still haughty, in spite of all these overtures. Oswald +was again puffed up with pride, it having been shown that his trunk was +no common trunk. He said right out that probably the only two keys in all +the world that would open that lock was the two hanging inside. He never +passed the trunk without rocking it to hear their sad tinkle. + +Lydia again said, nonsense! It was perfectly simple to open a trunk +without the right key. Oswald didn't believe her, and yet he couldn't +help taking comfort from her. I guess that was this girl's particular +genius--not giving up when everyone else could see that she was talking +half-witted. Anyway, she was as certain as ever, and I guess Oswald +believed her in spite of himself. His ponderous scientific brain told +him one thing in plain terms, and yet he was leaning on the words of a +chit that wouldn't know a carboniferous vertebra from an Upper Silurian +gerumpsus. + +The keys had gone back, hairpins was proved to be no good, and scientific +analysis had fell down flat. There was the trunk and there was the keys +inside; and Oswald was taking on a year in age every day of his life. He +was pretty soon going to be as old as the world if something didn't +happen. He'd got so that every time he rocked the trunk to hear the keys +rattle he'd shake his head like the doctor shakes it at a moving-picture +deathbed to show that all is over. He was in a pitch-black cavern miles +underground, with one tiny candle beam from a possible rescuer faintly +showing from afar, which was the childish certainty of this oldest living +débutante that it was perfectly simple for a woman to do something +impossible. She was just blue-eyed confidence. + +After the men left one morning on their hunt for long-defunct wood ticks +and such, Lydia confided to me that she was really going to open that +trunk. She was going to put her mind on it. She hadn't done this yet, +it seemed, but to-day she would. + +"The poor boy has been rudely jarred in his academic serenity," says she. +"He can't bear up much longer; he has rats in his wainscoting right now. +It makes me perfectly furious to see a man so helpless without a woman. +Today I'll open his silly old trunk for him." + +"It will be the best day's work you ever done," I says, and she nearly +blushed. + +"I'm not thinking of that," she says. + +The little liar! As if she hadn't seen as well as I had how Oswald was +regarding her with new eyes. So I wished her good luck and started out +myself, having some field work of my own to do that day in measuring +a lot of haystacks down at the lower end of the ranch. + +She said there would be no luck in it--nothing but cool determination +and a woman's intuition. I let it go at that and went off to see that +I didn't get none of the worst of it when this new hay was measured. +I had a busy day, forgetting all scientific problems and the uphill fight +our sex sometimes has in bringing a man to his just mating sense. + +I got back about five that night. Here was Miss Lydia, cool and negligent +on the porch, like she'd never had a care in the world; fresh dressed in +something white and blue, with her niftiest hammock stockings, and +tinkling the ukulele in a bored and petulant manner. + +"Did you open it?" I says as I went in. + +"Open it?" she says, kind of blank. "Oh, you mean that silly old trunk! +Yes, I believe I did. At least I think I did." + +It was good stage acting; an audience would of thought she had forgotten. +So I took it as calm as she did and went in to change. + +By the time I got out the men was just coming in, the Prof being +enthusiastic about some clamshells of the year six million B. C. and +Oswald bearing his great sorrow with an effort to do it bravely. + +Lydia nodded distantly and then ignored the men in a pointed way, +breaking out into rapid chatter to me about the lack of society up +here--didn't I weary of the solitude, never meeting people of the right +sort? It was a new line with her and done for effect, but I couldn't +see what effect. + +Supper was ready and we hurried in to it; so I guess Oswald must of +forgot for one time to shake his trunk and listen to the pretty little +keys. And all through the meal Lydia confined her attentions entirely to +me. She ignored Oswald mostly, but if she did notice him she patronized +him. She was painfully superior to him, and severe and short, like he was +a little boy that had been let to come to the table with the grown-ups +for this once. She rattled along to me about the club dances at home, +and how they was going to have better music this year, and how the +assembly hall had been done over in a perfectly dandy colour scheme by +the committee she was on, and a lot of girlish babble that took up much +room but weighed little. + +Oswald would give her side looks of dumb appeal from time to time, for +she had not once referred to anything so common as a trunk. He must of +felt that her moral support had been withdrawn and he was left to face +the dread future alone. He probably figured that she'd had to give up +about the trunk and was diverting attention from her surrender. He hardly +spoke a word and disappeared with a look of yearning when we left the +table. The rest of us went out on the porch. Lydia was teasing the +ukulele when Oswald appeared a few minutes later, with great excitement +showing in his worn face. + +"I can hear the keys no longer," says he; "not a sound of them! Mustn't +they have fallen from the hook?" + +Lydia went on stripping little chords from the strings while she answered +him in lofty accents. + +"Keys?" she says. "What keys? What is the man talking of? Oh, you mean +that silly old trunk! Are you really still maundering about that? Of +course the keys aren't there! I took them out when I opened it to-day. I +thought you wanted them taken out. Wasn't that what you wanted the trunk +open for--to get the keys? Have I done something stupid? Of course I can +put them back and shut it again if you only want to listen to them." + +Oswald had been glaring at her with his mouth open like an Upper Triassic +catfish. He tried to speak, but couldn't move his face, which seemed to +be frozen. Lydia goes on dealing off little tinkles of string music in a +tired, bored way and turns confidentially to me to say she supposes there +is really almost no society up here in the true sense of the word. + +"You opened that trunk?" says Oswald at last in tones like a tragedian at +his big scene. + +Lydia turned to him quite prettily impatient, as if he was something +she'd have to brush off in a minute. + +"Dear, dear!" she says. "Of course I opened it. I told you again and +again it was perfectly simple. I don't see why you made so much fuss +about it." + +Oswald turned and galloped off to his room with a glad shout. That showed +the male of him, didn't it?--not staying for words of gratitude to his +saviour, but beating it straight to the trunk. + +Lydia got up and swaggered after him. She had been swaggering all the +evening. She acted like a duchess at a slumming party. The Prof and I +followed her. + +Oswald was teetering the trunk in the old familiar way, with one ear +fastened to its shiny side. + +"It's true! It's true!" he says in hushed tones. "The keys are gone." + +"Naughty, naughty!" says Lydia. "Haven't I told you I took them out?" + +Oswald went over and set limply down on his bed, while we stood in the +doorway. + +"How did you ever do it?" says he with shining eyes. + +"It was perfectly simple," says Lydia. "I simply opened it--that's all!" + +"I have always suspected that the great secret of life would be almost +too simple when once solved," says the Prof. + +"It only needed a bit of thought," says the chit. + +Then Oswald must of had a sudden pang of fear. He flew over and examined +the lock and all the front surface of his treasure. He was looking for +signs of rough work, thinking she might of broken into it in some coarse +manner. But not a scratch could he find. He looked up at Lydia out of +eyes moist with gratitude. + +"You wonderful, wonderful woman!" says he, and any one could know he +meant it from the heart out. + +Lydia was still superior and languid, and covered up a slight yawn. +She said she was glad if any little thing she could do had made life +pleasanter for him. This has been such a perfectly simple thing--very, +very far from wonderful. + +Oswald now begun to caper round the room like an Airedale pup, and says +let's have the keys and open the trunk up, so he can believe his own +eyes. + +Then Lydia trifled once more with a human soul. She froze in deep thought +a long minute then says: + +"Oh, dear! Now what did I do with those wretched old keys?" + +Oswald froze, too, with a new agony. Lydia put a hand to her pale +forehead and seemed to try to remember. There was an awful silence. +Oswald was dashed over the cliff again. + +"Can't you think?" says the wounded man. "Can't you remember? Try! Try!" + +"Now let me see," says Lydia. "I know I had them out in the living +room--" + +"Why did you ever take them out there?" demands Oswald in great terror; +but the heroine pays no attention whatever to this. + +"--and later, I think--I think--I must have carried them into my room. +Oh, yes; now I remember I did. And then I emptied my wastebasket into the +kitchen stove. Now I wonder if they could have been in with that rubbish +I burned! Let me think!" And she thought again deeply. + +Oswald give a hollow groan, like some of the very finest chords in his +being had been tore asunder. He sunk limp on the bed again. + +"Wouldn't it be awkward if they were in that rubbish?" says Lydia. +"Do you suppose that fire would destroy the silly things? Let me think +again." + +The fiend kept this up for three minutes more. It must of seemed longer +to Oswald than it takes for a chinch bug to become a carboniferous +Jurassic. She was committing sabotage on him in the cruellest way. +Then, after watching his death agony with cold eyes and pretending to +wonder like a rattled angel, she brightens up and says: + +"Oh, goody! Now I remember everything. I placed them right here." And she +picked the keys off the table, where they had been hid under some +specimens of the dead and gone. + +Oswald give one athletic leap and had the precious things out of her +feeble grasp in half a second. His fingers trembled horrible, but he +had a key in the lock and turned it and threw the sides of the grand +old monument wide open. He just hung there a minute in ecstasy, fondling +the keys and getting his nerve back. Then he turns again on Lydia the +look of a proud man who is ready to surrender his whole future life to +her keeping. + +Lydia had now become more superior than ever. She swaggered round the +room, and when she didn't swagger she strutted. And she says to Oswald: + +"I'm going to make one little suggestion, because you seem so utterly +helpless: You must get a nice doormat to lay directly in front of your +trunk, and you must always keep the key under this mat. Lock the trunk +and hide the key there. It's what people always do, and it will be quite +safe, because no one would ever think of looking under a doormat for a +key. Now isn't that a perfectly darling plan?" + +Oswald had looked serious and attentive when she begun this talk, but he +finally got suspicious that she was making some silly kind of a joke. He +grinned at her very foolish and again says: "You wonderful woman!" It was +a caressing tone--if you know what I mean. + +Lydia says "Oh, dear, won't he ever stop his silly chatter about his +stupid old trunk?" It seems to her that nothing but trunk has been talked +of in this house for untold ages. She's tired to death of the very word. +Then she links her arm in mine in a sweet girlish fashion and leads me +outside, where she becomes a mere twittering porch wren once more. + +Oswald followed, you can bet. And every five minutes he'd ask her how did +she ever--really now--open the trunk. But whenever he'd ask she would put +the loud pedal on the ukulele and burst into some beachy song about You +and I Together in the Moonlight, Love. Even the Prof got curious and +demanded how she had done what real brains had failed to pull off--and +got the same noisy answer. Later he said he had been wrong to ask. He +said the answer would prove to be too brutally simple, and he always +wanted to keep it in his thought life as a mystery. It looked like he'd +have to. I was dying to know myself, but had sense enough not to ask. + +The girl hardly spoke to Oswald again that night, merely giving him these +cold showers of superiority when he would thrust himself on her notice. +And she kept me out there with her till bedtime, not giving the happy +trunk owner a chance at her alone. That girl had certainly learned a few +things beyond fudge and cheese straws in her time. She knew when she had +the game won. + +Sure, it was all over with Oswald. He had only one more night when he +could call himself a free man; he tried hard enough not to have even +that. He looked like he wanted to put a fence round the girl, elk-high +and bull-tight. Of course it's possible he was landed by the earnest wish +to find out how she had opened his trunk; but she never will tell him +that. She discussed it calmly with me after all was over. She said poor +Oswald had been the victim of scientific curiosity, but really it was +time for her to settle down. + +We was in her room at the time and she was looking at the tiny lines +round her eyes when she said it. She said, further, that she was about +to plan her going-away gown. I asked what it would be, and she said she +hadn't decided yet, but it would be something youth-giving. Pretty game, +that was! And now Oswald has someone to guard his trunk keys for him--to +say nothing of this here new specimen of organic fauna. + + * * * * * + +Then I talked. I said I was unable to reach the lofty altitude of the +Prof when even a fair mystery was concerned. I was more like Oswald with +his childish curiosity. How, then, did the young woman open the trunk? +Of course, I could guess the answer. She had found she could really do it +with a hairpin, and had held off for effect. Still, I wanted to be told. + +"Nothing easy like that," said Ma Pettengill. "She'd been honest with the +hairpins. She didn't tell me till the day before they were leaving. 'It +was a perfectly simple problem, requiring only a bit of thought,' she +says. 'It was the simple thing people do when they find their front door +locked. They go round to the back of the house and pry up a kitchen +window, or something.' She pledged me to secrecy, but I guess you won't +let it go any farther. + +"Anyway, this is what she done: It was a time for brutal measures, so +she'd had Abner wheel that trunk over to the blacksmith shop and take the +hinges off. Abner just loves to do any work he don't have to do, and he +had entered cordially into the spirit of this adventure. It used up his +whole day, for which he was drawing three dollars from me. He took off +one side of four pair of hinges, opened the trunk at the back far enough +to reach in for the keys, unlocked it and fastened the hinges back on +again. + +"It was some job. These hinges was riveted on and didn't come loose easy. +The rear of that trunk must of been one sad mutilation. It probably won't +ever again be the trunk it once was. Abner had to hustle to get through +in one day. I wish I could get the old hound to work for me that way. +They'd just got the trunk back when I rode in that night. It was nervy, +all right! I asked her if she wasn't afraid he would see the many traces +of this rough work she had done. + +"'Not a chance on earth!' says Lydia. 'I knew he would never look at any +place but the front. He has the mind of a true scientist. It wouldn't +occur to him in a million years that there is any other way but the +front way to get into a trunk. I painted over the rivets and the bruises +as well as I could, but I'm sure he will never look there. He may notice +it by accident in the years to come, but the poor chap will then have +other worries, I hope.' + +"Such was the chit. I don't know. Mebbe woman has her place in the great +world after all. Anyway, she'll be a help to Oswald. Whatever he ain't +she is." + + + + +VII + +CHANGE OF VENUS + + +Ma Pettengill and I rode labouring horses up a steep way between two +rocky hillsides that doubled the rays of the high sun back upon us and +smothered the little breeze that tried to follow us up from the flat +lands of the Arrowhead. We breathed the pointed smell of the sage and we +breathed the thick, hot dust that hung lazily about us; a dust like +powdered chocolate, that cloyed and choked. + +As recreation it was blighting; and I said almost as much. Ma Pettengill +was deaf to it, her gray head in its broad-brimmed hat sternly bowed in +meditation as she wove to her horse's motion. Then I became aware that +she talked to another; one who was not there. She said things I was sure +he would not have liked to hear. She hung choice insults upon his name +and blistered his fair repute with calumnies. She was a geyser of +invective, quiet perhaps for fifty yards, then grandly in action. + +"Call yourself a cowman, hey? What you ought to be is matron of a +foundling asylum. Yes, sir!" + +This was among the least fearful of her dusty scornings. And I knew +she would be addressing one Homer Gale, temporary riding boss of the +Arrowhead. Indeed, Homer's slightly pleading accents were now very +colourably imitated by his embittered employer: + +"Yes'm, Mis' Pettengill, it's a matter of life and death; no less. I got +to git off for two days--a matter of life and death. Yes'm; I just got +to!" + +On the completion of this a hoarse hoot of scorn boomed through the haze +and Homer was told that men like himself often caused perfectly decent +people to be tried for murder. And again Homer's rightful job was echoed +as "Matron of a foundling asylum!" + +I felt the embarrassment of one unwittingly come upon the adjustment of +a private grievance. I dropped delicately a few paces behind, unnoticed, +I thought; but Ma Pettengill waited for me to overtake her again. + +Then, as we pushed through the dust together, she told me that her days +were swifter than a weaver's shuttle and spent without hope. If it wasn't +one thing it was another. What she'd like--she'd like to wake up in a +strange place and find she'd clean forgot her name and address, like +these here parties you read about in the papers. And why wouldn't she? A +dry year; feed short on the range; water holes dusty that never did go +dry before; half a hay crop and winter threatening right spang in the +summertime! Think of having to gather cattle off the range in the middle +of August when other times you could let 'em run till the middle of +October! In fact, this was the kind of a year that cattle raisers had a +technical term for. It was known technically as one hell of a year, if +I wanted to be told. + +And having to do the work with mental defectives and cripples and +Bolsheviki, because every able-bodied puncher in the country had +gone over to create a disturbance in Europe! Hadn't she combed out +the county hospital and poor farm to get a haying crew? Didn't the +best cowboy now on the pay roll wear a derby hat and ride a motorcycle +by preference? And paying seventy-five dollars to these imitation +punchers to fight her gentle saddle horses, no colt, it seemed, having +been ridden on the place in the memory of man. + +She didn't know; taking one thing with another, sometimes she almost +wished that the world was going to stay unsafe for democracy. + +Of course this technically described bad year wasn't so bad one way, +because the sheepmen would sure get a tasty wallop, sheep being mighty +informal about dying with the weather below zero and scant feed. When +cattle wasn't hardly feeling annoyed sheep would lie down and quit +intruding on honest cattle raisers for all time. Just a little attention +from a party with a skinning knife was all they needed after that. And so +on, back to Homer Gale, who had gone to Red Gap for two days on a matter +of life and death--and of this the less repeated here the better. + +Now our narrow way spread to a valley where the sun's rays were more +widely diffused and the dust less pervasive. We could see a mile ahead +to a vaster cloud of dust. This floated over a band of Arrowhead cattle +being driven in from a range no longer sustaining. They were being driven +by Bolsheviki, so my informant disclosed. + +We halted above the road and waited for the dusty creatures to plod by us +down to the pleasant lea where feed was still to be had and water was +sweet. Then came the Bolshevik rear guard. It consisted of Silas +Atterbury and four immature grandchildren. + +Grandpa Atterbury was ninety-three and doing his first labour since he +retired, at eighty-five. The grandchildren, two male and two female, +should have been playing childish games. And they were Bolsheviki, +all because they had refused to bring in this bunch of stock except +for the wage customarily paid to trained adults. Even the youngest, +known as Sissy Atterbury, aged eight and looking younger, despite her +gray coating of powdered alkali, had tenaciously held out for a grown +man's pay, which made her something even worse than a Bolshevik; it +made her an I.W.W. + +But, as Ma Pettengill said, what could a lady do when Fate had a +stranglehold on her. There was, indeed, nothing to do but tell Sissy to +tell one of her incendiary brothers to get up close to grandpa, and yell +good and loud at him, and make him understand he was to get a count on +that bunch at the first gate, because it didn't look to us that there was +over three hundred head where there ought to be at least five hundred. + +And then there was nothing to do but ride ahead of the toiling beasts +and again down the narrow way that would bring us to the lowlands of the +Arrowhead, where the dust no longer choked and one could see green and +smell water. From the last mesa we looked out over the Arrowhead's flat +fields, six thousand acres under fence, with the ranch house and +outbuildings hazy in the distance. + +It was a pleasant prospect and warmed Ma Pettengill from her mood of +chill negation. She remarked upon the goodliness of the scene, quite as +if the present were not a technical year for cattle raisers. Then, as +we jogged the six miles home by peaceful thoroughfares, the lady, being +questioned persistently and suitably, spoke with utter freedom of Homer +Gale, who had shamefully deserted his job for two days at the busiest +end of the season, when a white man wouldn't of thought of leaving, even +on a matter of life and death. + +Had Homer the shadow of an excuse? We shall see. + +Well, then, this here celluloid imitation of a cowman that I been using +violent words about come into the valley three years ago and rapidly got +a lot of fame by reason of being a confirmed bachelor and hating the +young of the human species with bitterness and constancy. I was the one +that brought him in; I admit that. First time I seen him he was being a +roistering blade in the Fashion Waffle Kitchen down at Red Gap. He was +with Sandy Sawtelle and a couple other boys from the ranch here, and +Sandy tells me later that he is looking for work, being a good cowhand. +I said he looked like something else, being dressed in an uproarious +check suit of clothes that would instantly of collected a crowd in most +city streets. But Sandy says that's all right; he's a regler cowman and +had to wear these startling garments for a disguise to get him safe out +of Idaho. + +It seems he'd been crowded out of that thriving state by a yearning +and determined milliner that had witnesses a-plenty and intended to +do something about it. Defendant claimed he hadn't even meant anything +of the sort and was just being a good pal; but it looked like the cruel +teeth of the law was going to bite right into his savings if this +breach-of-promise suit ever come to trial, the lady having letters from +him in black and white. So Homer had made a strategic retreat, avoiding +contact with the enemy, and here he was. And how about taking him on at +the Arrowhead, where he could begin a new life? + +Needing another hand just then, I fussed none at all about Homer's +scandalous past. I said he could throw in with us; and he did. When he +got dressed in a legal manner he looked like he couldn't be anything else +but a cowhand. About forty and reliable, he looked. So I sent him to a +summer camp over on the Madeline plains, where I had a bunch of cattle on +government range. Bert Glasgow lived in a shack with his wife and family +there and had general charge, and Homer was to begin his new life by +helping Bert. + +His new life threatened to be short. He showed up here late the third +night after he went over, looking sad and desperate and hunted. He did +look that way more or less at all times, having one of these long, sad +moustaches and a kind of a bit-into face. This night he looked worse than +usual. I thought the hellhounds of the law from Idaho might of took up +his winding trail; but no. It was the rosy-cheeked tots of Mr. and Mrs. +Bert Glasgow that had sent him out into the night. + +"Say," he says, "I wouldn't have you think I was a quitter, but if you +want to suicide me just send me back to that horrible place. Children!" +he says. "That's all; just children! Dozens of 'em! Running all over the +place, into everything, under everything, climbing up on you, sticking +their fingers into your eyes--making life unbearable for man and beast. +You never once let on to me," he says reproachfully, "that this Bert had +children." + +"No," I says; "and I never let on to you that he's got a mole on his chin +either. What of that?" + +Then the poor lollop tries to tell me what of it. I saw he really had +been under a nervous strain, all right. Suffering had put its hot iron +on him. First, he just naturally loathed children anyway. Hadn't he run +away from a good home in Iowa when he was sixteen, account of being the +oldest of seven? He said some things in general about children that would +of got him no applause at a mothers' meeting. He was simply afraid to +look a child in the eye; and, from what he'd like to do to 'em all, it +seemed like his real middle name was Molech. Wasn't that the party with +hostile views about children? Anyway, you could see that Homer's idea of +a real swell festivity would be to hide out by an orphan asylum some +night until the little ones had said their prayers and was tucked all +peaceful into their trundle beds and then set fire to the edifice in +eight places after disconnecting the fire alarm. That was Homer, and he +was honest; he just couldn't help it. + +And Bert's tikes had drove him mad with their playful antics. He said +he'd be set down for a bite of dinner and one of 'em would climb up his +back and feel his hair--not saying a word, just taking hold of it; then +it would jump down and another would climb up and do the same thing, and +him not daring to defend himself. He'd got so worked up he was afraid to +stay on the place. + +"And you know," he says--"what I can't understand--danged if Bert don't +seem to kind of like 'em. You may think I'm a liar, but he waited for one +the other morning when it squealed at him and kept a hold of its hand +clean down to the hay barn. What do you think of that? And besides these +that go round infesting the place outside he's got a short yearling and a +long two-year-old that have to be night-herded. I listened to 'em every +night. One yelled and strangled all last night, till I s'posed, of +course, it was going to perish everlastingly; but here this morning it +was acting like nothing at all had happened. + +"All I can say is, Bert don't have much luck. And that littlest yeller +always unswallowing its meals with no effort whatever! It's horrible! +And the mother, with no strength of character--feeble-minded, I +reckon--coddles 'em! She never did cuss 'em out proper or act human +toward 'em. Kids like them, what they need--upside down and three quick +hard ones. I know!" + +I was fool enough to argue with him a bit, trying to see if he didn't +have a lick of sense. I told him to look how happy Bert was; and how +his family had made a man of him, him getting more money and saving more +than ever in his past life. Homer said what good would all that money do +him? He'd only fool it away on his wife and children. + +"He regrets it, all right," says Homer. "I says to myself the other day: +'I bet a cookie he'd like to be carefree and happy like me!'" + +Homer was a piker, even when he made bets with himself. And the short of +it was I sent a man that didn't hate children over to Bert's and kept +Homer on the place here. + +He stayed three months and said it was heaven, account of not having them +unnecessary evils on the place that would squirm round a man's legs and +feel of his hair and hide round corners and peek at him and whisper about +him. Then I changed foremen and Scott Humphrey, the new one, brought +three towheads with him of an age to cause Homer the anguish of the +damned, which they done on the first day they got here by playing that he +was a horse and other wild animals, and trying to pull the rest of his +hair out. + +He come in and cut himself out of my life the day after, shaking his head +and saying he couldn't think what the world was coming to. As near as I +could make him, his idea was that the world was going to be swamped with +young ones if something wasn't done about it, like using squirrel poison +or gopher traps. + +I felt like I wanted to cuff him up to a peak and knock the peak off; but +I merely joked and said it was too bad his own folks hadn't come to think +that way while he could still be handled easy. I also warned him it was +going to be hard to find a job without more or less children on the +outskirts, because ours was a growing state. He said there must be a few +sane people left in the world. And, sure enough, he gets a job over to +the Mortimers'--Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie being past seventy and having +nothing to distress Homer. + +Of course the secret of this scoundrel's get-away from Idaho had got +round the valley, making him a marked man. It was seen that he was a born +flirt, but one who retained his native caution even at the most trying +moments. Here and there in the valley was a hard-working widow that the +right man could of consoled, and a few singles that would of listened to +reason if properly approached; and by them it was said that Homer was a +fiend for caution. He would act like one of them that simply won't take +no for an answer--up to a certain point. He would seem to be going fur +in merry banter, but never to words that the law could put any expensive +construction on. He would ride round to different ranches and mingle at +dances and picnics, and giggle and conduct himself like one doomed from +the cradle to be woman's prey--but that was all. + +Funny how he'd escaped through the years, him having apparently the weak +and pliant nature that makes the ideal husband, and having reached the +time of life when he was putting sheep dip on his hair where the lining +shone through on top. But so it was. And his views on children had also +become widely known. Mothers used to grab up their youngest ones when +he'd go into the post office down at Kulanch or meet one on the road. +He made no hit at all with such views among them that had learned better. +Still there was hopeful ones that thought he might be made to take a joke +sooner or later, and the fact that he was known to save his wages and had +a nice little stake laid by didn't work against him any with such parties +as might have a chance to be swept off their feet by him in a mad moment. + +Then over at the Mortimers' place he meets Mrs. Judson Tolliver, a +plausible widow lady who come into the valley every once in a while to +do sewing round at different ranches. She was a good-built, impressive +person, with a persuading manner; one of these competent ones that can +take charge of affairs and conduct them unassisted, and will do so if +not stopped. Uncle Henry Mortimer brought her to the house in his light +wagon one morning, with her sewing machine in the back. And Homer was +there to help her out and help out with the machine and see it was placed +right in the sitting room; and then help out with her satchel and ask in +a gentlemanly manner if everything was all right--and everything was: +Thank you so much, Mr. Gale! + +This party was no simpering schoolgirl. She was thirty-five or so and +square-jawed, and did her hair plain, and had a managing voice that +would go good at club meetings. She read library books and was a good +conversationalist. And what did she do the first evening, when Homer was +mending one of his shirts by the kitchen lamp, but wrench it away from +him roguishly and do the job herself, while she entertained him with +conversation. It was bound to be entertaining, for she started in about +what trials children was to their tormented parents and how the world +would be brighter and better if it consisted entirely of adults. + +Any one might of thought she'd been hearing gossip about Homer's likes +and dislikes. I know that's what I thought afterward, when he opened his +soul to me. She said what a mercy it was that half a dozen yelling demons +wasn't in this house at that moment to make life an evil thing for all. +And Homer sunned right up and took the talk away from her. While she done +his mending he spoke heatedly of little children in his well-known happy +vein, relating many incidents in his blasted career that had brought him +to these views. The lady listened with deep attention, saying "Ah, yes, +Mr. Gale!" from time to time, and letting on there must be a strong bond +of sympathy between them because he expressed in choice words what she +had so often felt. + +Homer must of been kind of swept off his feet at that very moment, +and the rapids just below him. I guess he'd already been made mushy +sentimental by seeing the ideal romantic marriage between Uncle Henry and +his wife--forty years or so together and still able to set down in peace +and quiet without having something squirm over you to see what you had in +your pockets or ask what made your hair come out that funny way, till you +wished a couple she-bears would rush out and devour forty-two of 'em. + +It was the first of quite many evenings when Homer and the lady would +set with a dish of apples and fried cakes between 'em and denounce +the world's posterity. The lady was even suffering grave doubts about +marriage. She said having to make her own way after she lost her husband +had made her relish her independence too much to think of ever giving it +up again lightly. Of course she wouldn't say that possibly at some time +in the dim future a congenial mate that thought as she did on vital +topics--and so forth--just enough to give Homer a feeling of security +that was wholly unwarranted. Wasn't he the heedless Hugo? + +He was quite wordy about the lady to me when he come over on an errand +one day. He told me all about these delightful talks of theirs, and what +an attractive person she was, sound as a nut, and companionable and +good-looking without being one of these painted dolls. He said, to see +her above her sewing, she was a lovely view that he never tired of gazing +at, and to hear her loathe children was music to the ear. He said she +was a rare woman. I said she must be and asked him if he had committed +himself. + +"Well, I don't say I have and I don't say I haven't," he says; "but here +I be, standing with reluctant feet at the parting of the ways. And who +knows what might happen? I know I've had some darned close shaves from +doing a whole lot worse in my time." + +So I wished him the best of luck with this lady child hater; not that I +thought he'd really get what was coming to him. He was so crafty. He was +one of them that love not well but too wisely, as the saying is. Still, +there was a chance. He was scared to death of fire and yet he would keep +on playing with it. Some day the merry old flames might lick him up. I +hoped for the best. + +A few days after that I went down to the foreman's house late in the +afternoon to see him about a shipment we had to make. Scott was off +somewhere, but his sister was in; so I set talking with her, and +waiting. This here Minna Humphrey was a hectic, blighted girl of thirty, +sandy-haired, green-eyed, and little--no bigger than a bar of soap after +a day's washing. What had blighted the poor thing was having to teach +public school for a dozen years. She'd been teaching down to Kulanche +that year and had just closed up. We set out in front of the house and +Minna told me she was all in; and how she'd ever got through the season +she didn't know. + +She went on to speak of little children. Fire in her voice? Murder! +According to Minna, children had ought to be put in cages soon as they +can walk and kept there till they are grown; fed through the bars and +shot down if they break out. That's what twelve years' enforced contact +with 'em had done to Minna's finer instincts. She said absolutely nothing +in the world could be so repugnant to her as a roomful of the little +animals writing on slates with squeaky pencils. She said other things +about 'em that done her no credit. + +And while I listened painfully who should be riding up but Homer Gale! + +"Here," I says to Minna; "here's a man you'll be a joyous treat to; just +let him come in and listen to your song a while. Begin at the beginning +and say it all slow, and let Homer have some happy moments." + +So I introduced the two, and after a few formalities was got over I had +Minna telling in a heartfelt manner what teaching a public school was +like, and what a tortured life she led among creatures that should never +be treated as human. Homer listened with glistening eyes that got quite +moist at the last. Minna went on to say that children's mothers was +almost as bad, raging in to pick a fuss with her every time a child had +been disciplined for some piece of deviltry. She said mothers give her +pretty near as much trouble as the kids themselves. + +It was a joyous and painful narrative to Homer. He said why didn't Minna +take up something else? And Minna said she was going to. She'd been +working two summers in Judge Ballard's office, down to Red Gap, and was +going to again this summer, soon as she regained a little vitality; and +she hoped now she'd have a steady job there and never have to go back to +the old life of degradation. Homer sympathized warmly; his heart had +really been touched. He hoped she'd rise out of the depths to something +tolerable; and then he told her about Bert's five horrible children that +drove him out into the brush--and so forth. + +I listened in a while; and then I says to Homer ain't it nice for him to +meet someone else that thinks as he does on this great vital topic, Minna +seeming to find young ones as repulsive as Mrs. Judson Tolliver? And how +about that lady anyway? And how is his affair coming on? I never dreamed +of starting anything. I was being friendly. + +Homer gets vivacious and smirks something horrible, and says, well, he +don't see why people make a secret of such things; and the fact is that +that lady and him have about decided that Fate has flung 'em together +for a lofty purpose. Of course nothing was settled definite yet--no dates +nor anything; but probably before long there'd be a nice little home +adorning a certain place he'd kept his eye on, and someone there keeping +a light in the window for him--and so on. It sounded almost too good to +be true that this old shellback had been harpooned at last. + +Then Minna spoke up, when Homer had babbled to a finish, and smirked and +looked highly offensive. She says brightly: + +"Oh, yes; Mrs. Judson Tolliver. I know her well; and I'm sure, Mr. Gale, +I wish you all the happiness in the world with the woman of your choice. +She's a very sterling character indeed--and such a good mother!" + +"How's that?" says Homer. "I didn't hear you just right. Such a good +what?" + +"I said she's such a good mother," Minna answers him. + +Homer's smirk kind of froze on his face. + +"Mother to what?" he says in a low, passionate tone, like an actor. + +"Mother to her three little ones," says Minna. Then she says again quick: +"Why, what's the matter, Mr. Gale?" For Homer seemed to have been took +bad. + +"Great Godfrey!" he says, hardly able to get his voice. + +"And, of course, you won't mind my saying it," Minna goes on, "because +you seem so broad-minded about children, but when I taught primary in Red +Gap last year those three little boys of hers gave me more trouble than +any other two dozen of the pests in the whole room." + +Homer couldn't say anything this time. He looked like a doctor was +knifing him without anesthetics. + +"And to make it worse," says Minna, "the mother is so crazy about them, +and so sensitive about any little thing done to them in the way of +discipline--really, she has very little control of her language where +those children are concerned. Still, of course, that's how any good +mother will act, to be sure; and especially when they have no father. + +"I'm glad indeed the poor woman is to have someone like you that will +take the responsibility off her shoulders, because those boys are now at +an age where discipline counts. Of course she'll expect you to be gentle +with them, even though firm. Oswald--he's eleven now, I believe--will +soon be old enough to send to reform school; but the younger ones, seven +and nine--My! such spirits as they have! They'll really need someone +with strength." + +Homer was looking as if this bright chatter would add twenty years to his +age. He'd slumped down on the stoop, where he'd been setting, like he'd +had a stroke. + +"So she's that kind, is she?" he kind of mutters. "A good thing I found +it out on her!" + +"The children live with their grandmother in Red Gap while their mother +is away," says Minna. "They really need a strong hand." + +"Not mine!" says Homer. Then he got slowly up and staggered down a few +steps toward the gate. "It's a good thing I found out this scandal on her +in time," says he. "Talk about underhandedness! Talk about a woman hiding +her guilty secret! Talk about infamy! I'll expose her, all right. I'm +going straight to her and tell her I know all. I'll make her cower in +shame!" He's out on his horse with his reckless threat. + +"Now you've sunk the ship," I says to Minna. "I knew the woman was +leading a double life as fur as Homer was concerned, but I wasn't going +to let on to the poor zany. It's time he was speared, and this would of +been a judgment on him that his best friends would of relished keenly. +Lots of us was looking forward to the tragedy with great pleasure. You +spoiled a lot of fun for the valley." + +"But it would not have been right," says Minna. "It would truly have been +the blackest of tragedies to a man of Mr. Gale's sensitive fibres. You +can't enter into his feelings because you never taught primary. Also, I +think he is very far from being a poor zany, as you have chosen to call +him." The poor thing was warm and valiant when she finished this, looking +like Joan of Arc or someone just before the battle. + +And Homer never went back and made the lady cower like he said he meant +to. Mebbe it occurred to him on the way that she was not one of them that +cower easy. Mebbe he felt he was dealing with a desperate adventuress, as +cunning as she was false-hearted. Anyway, he weakened like so many folks +that start off brave to tell someone so-and-so right to their faces. He +didn't go back at all till the middle of the night, when he pussyfooted +in and got his things out, and disappeared like he had stumbled down a +well. + +Uncle Henry had to feed his own stock next morning, while Mrs. Tolliver +took on in great alarm and wanted a posse formed to rescue Homer from +wherever he was. Her first idea was that he had been kidnapped and was +being held for ransom; but someway she couldn't get any one else very +hearty about this notion. So then she said he had been murdered, or was +lying off in the brush somewhere with a broken leg. + +It was pointed out to her that Homer wouldn't be likely to come and +collect all his things in the night in order to keep a date with an +assassin, or even to have his leg broke. About the third day she guessed +pretty close to the awful truth and spoke a few calm words about putting +her case in the hands of some good lawyer. + +The valley was interested. It looked like a chance for the laugh of the +year. It looked like the lightnings of a just heaven had struck where +they was long overdue. Then it was discovered that Homer was hiding out +over in the hills with a man after coyotes with traps and poison. His job +must of appealed to Homer's cynical nature at that moment--anything with +traps and poison in it. + +Dave Pickens was the man that found him, he not having much else to do. +And he let Homer know the worst he could think of without mincing words. +He said the deserted fiancée was going to bring suit against Homer for +one hundred thousand dollars--that being the biggest sum Dave could think +of--for breach of promise, and Homer might as well come out and face the +music. + +Homer did come out, bold as brass. He'd been afraid the lady might +gun him or act violent with something; but if she wasn't threatening +anything but legal violence he didn't care. He just couldn't conceive +that a lady with three children could make a suit like that stick against +any man--especially three children that was known to be hellions. He +didn't even believe the lady would start a suit--not with the facts of +her shame known far and wide. He was jaunty and defiant about this, and +come right out of hiding and agreed to work for me again, Scott Humphrey +having sent his wife and children on a visit to Grandma Humphrey. + +But, lands. He didn't earn his salt. Friends and well-wishers took the +jauntiness all out of him in no time. Parties rode from far and near to +put him wise. Ranchers from ten miles up and down the creek would drop +important work just to ride over and tell him harsh facts about the law, +and how, as man to man, it looked dark indeed for him. These parties told +him that the possession of three children by a lawful widow was not +regarded as criminal by our best courts. It wasn't even considered +shameful. And it was further pointed out by many of the same comforters +that the children would really be a help to the lady in her suit, +cinching the sympathy of a jury. + +Also, they didn't neglect to tell him that probably half the jury would +be women--wives and mothers. And what chance would he have with women +when they was told how he regarded children? He spent a good half of the +time I paid him for in listening to these friendly words. They give Homer +an entirely new slant on our boasted civilization and lowered it a whole +lot in his esteem. + +About the only person in the whole valley that wasn't laughing at him and +giving him false sympathy with a sting in its tail was Minna Humphrey. +Homer told her all about the foul conspiracy against his fortune, and how +his life would be blasted by marrying into a family with three outcasts +like he'd been told these was. And what was our courts coming to if their +records could be stained by blackmailers. + +And Minna give him the honest sympathy of a woman who had taught school +twelve years, loathed the sight of any human under twenty, and even +considered that the institution of marriage had been greatly overpraised. +Certainly she felt it was not for her; and she could understand Homer's +wanting to escape. She and him would set out and discuss his chances long +after he had ought to of been in bed if he was going to earn his pay. + +Minna admitted that things looked dark for him on account of the insane +prejudice that would be against him for his views on children. She said +he couldn't expect anything like a fair trial where these was known even +with a jury of his peers; and it was quite true that probably only five +or six of the jury would be his peers, the rest being women. + +Homer told me about these talks--out of working hours, you can bet! How +Minna was the only person round that would stand by anyone in trouble; +how she loathed kids, and even loathed the thought of human marriage. + +"Minna is a nice girl," I told him; "but I should think you'd learn not +to pay attention to a woman that talks about children that way. Remember +this other lady talked the same way about 'em before the scandal come +out." + +But he was indignant that any one could suspect Minna's child hating +wasn't honest. + +"That little girl is pure as a prism!" he says. "When she says she hates +'em, she hates 'em. The other depraved creature was only working on my +better nature." + +"Well," I says, "the case does look black; but mebbe you could settle for +a mere five thousand dollars." + +"It wouldn't be a mere five thousand dollars," says Homer; "it would be +the savings of a lifetime of honest toil and watching the pennies. That's +all I got." + +"Serves you right, then," I says, "for not having got married years ago +and having little ones of your own about your knee!" + +Homer shuddered painfully when I said this. He started to answer +something back, but just choked up and couldn't. + +The adventuress had, of course, sent letters and messages to Homer. The +early ones had been pleading, but the last one wasn't. It was more in the +nature of a base threat if closely analyzed. Then she finished up her +sewing at the Mortimers' and departed for Red Gap, leaving a final +announcement to anybody it concerned that she would now find out if there +was any law in the land to protect a defenseless woman in her sacred +right to motherhood. + +Homer shivered when he heard it and begun to think of making another +get-away, like he had done from Idaho. He thought more about it when +someone come back from town and said she was really consulting a +lawyer. + +He'd of gone, I guess, if Minna hadn't kept cheering him up with sympathy +and hating children with him. Homer was one desperate man, but still he +couldn't tear himself away from Minna. + +Then one morning he gets a letter from the Red Gap lawyer. It says his +client, Mrs. Judson Tolliver, has directed him to bring suit against +Homer for five thousand dollars; and would Homer mebbe like to save the +additional cost--which would be heavy, of course--by settling the matter +out of court and avoiding pain for all? + +Homer was in a state where he almost fell for this offer. It was that or +facing a jury that would have it in for him, anyway, or disappearing like +he had done in Idaho; only this lady was highly determined, and reports +had already come to him that he would be watched and nailed if he tried +to leave. It would mean being hounded from pillar to post, even if he did +get away. He went down and put it up to Minna, as I heard later. + +"I'm a desperate man," he says, "being hounded by this here catamount; +and mebbe it's best to give in." + +"It's outrageous!" says Minna. "Of course you don't care about the money; +but it's the principle of the thing." + +"Well, yes and no," says Homer. "You might say I care some about the +money. That's plain nature, and I never denied I was human." + +So they went on to discuss it back and forth warmly, when a +misunderstanding arose that I was very careful to get the rights +of a couple of weeks later. + +Minna went over the old ground that Homer could never get a fair trial; +then she brightened up all at once and says: + +"Don't you pay it. Don't you do it; because you won't have to if you do +what I say." + +Homer gets excited and says: + +"Yes, yes; go on!" + +And Minna goes on. + +"When people can't get fair trials in a place," she says, "they always +take change of venues." + +"Change of venues?" says Homer, kind of uneasy, it seemed. + +"Certainly," says Minna: "they take change of venues. I've worked in +Judge Ballard's office long enough to know that much. Why didn't I think +of it before? It's your one chance to escape this creature's snare." + +"Change of venues?" says Homer again, kind of aghast. + +"It's your only way out," says Minna; "and I'll do everything I can--" + +"You will?" says Homer. + +"Why, of course!" says Minna. "Any thing--" + +"All right, then," says Homer. "You get your things on, and I'll saddle +your horse and bring him round." + +"What for?" demands Minna. + +"I'm a desperate man!" says Homer. "You say it's the only way out, and +you know the law; so come along to Kulanche with me." And he beat if off +to the barn. + +Well, Minna had said she'd do anything she could, thinking she'd +write herself to Judge Ballard and find out all the details; but if +Homer wanted her to go to Kulanche with him and try to start the thing +there--why, all right. She was ready when Homer come with her horse and +off they rode on the twelve-mile trip. + +I gather that not much was said on the way by Homer who only muttered +like a fever patient from time to time, with Minna saying once in a while +how glad she was she had thought up this one sure way out of his trouble. + +At Kulanche they rode up in front of Old Man Geiger's office, who is +justice of the peace. + +"Wait here a minute," says Homer, and went inside. Pretty soon he come +out and got her. "Come on, now," he says, "I got it all fixed." + +And Minna goes in, thinking mebbe she's got to swear to an affidavit or +something that Homer couldn't get a fair trial among people knowing he +regarded little ones as so many cockroaches or something to step on. + +She got some shock when Homer took her inside and held her tight by the +wrist while Old Man Geiger married 'em. That's about the way it was. She +says she was so weak she could hardly stand up, and she hadn't hardly any +voice at all left. But she kept on saying "Why, Homer!" and "Oh, Homer!" +and "No, no, Homer!" as soon as she discovered that she had been dragged +off to a fate she had always regarded as worse than death; but a lot of +good it done her to say them things in a voice not much better than a +whisper. + +And the dreadful thing was over before she could get strength to say +anything more powerful. There she was, married to a man she thought +highly of, it's true, and had a great sympathy for in the foul wrong one +of her sex had tried to slip over on him; but a man she had never thought +of marrying. I'm telling you what she told me. And after sentence had +been pronounced she kept on saying "Why, Homer!" and "Oh, Homer!" and +"No, no, Homer!" till there was nothing to do but get some clothes out of +her trunk that she'd left down there in time to take the narrow gauge for +their wedding tour to Spokane. + +The news spread over the valley next day like a brush fire in August. It +was startling! Like the newspapers say of a suicide, "No cause could be +assigned for the rash act." They was away ten days and come back to find +the whole country was again giving Homer the laugh because Mrs. Tolliver +had up and married a prosperous widower from over in Surprise Valley, and +had never brought any suit against him. It was said that even the late +Mrs. Tolliver was laughing heartily at him. + +Homer didn't seem to care, and Minna certainly didn't. She was the +old-fashioned kind of wife, a kind you don't hear much of nowadays; the +kind that regards her husband as perfect, and looks up to him. She told +me about the tumultuous wedding. Neither of 'em had had time for any talk +till they got on the train. Then it come out. She says why ever did Homer +do such a monstrous thing? And Homer says: + +"Well, you told me a change of Venus was the only way out for me--" + +"I said a change of venue," says Minna. + +"It sounded like change of Venus," says Homer, "and I knew Venus was the +god of love. And you said you was willing and I knew we was congenial, +and I was a desperate man; and so here we are!" + +So she cried on his shoulder for twenty miles while he ate a box of figs. + +Homer is now a solid citizen, with his money put into a place down at the +lower end of the valley, instead of lying in the bank at the mercy of +some unscrupulous woman with little ones. And here this summer, with his +own work light, he's been helping me out as riding boss; or, at least I +been lavishing money on him for that. + +A fine, dependable hand, too! Here was this bunch of stock to be got in +from Madeline--them Bolshevik ain't gathered more'n two thirds of 'em; +and there's more to come in from over Horse Fly Mountain way, and still +another bunch from out of the Sheep Creek country--the busiest month in a +bad year, when I needed every man, woman, and child to be had, and here +comes Homer, the mush-head, taking two days off! + +"Yes'm, Mis' Pettengill; I just got to take time off to go down to Red +Gap. It's a matter of life and death. Yes'm; it is. No'm; I wouldn't dast +send any one, and Minna agrees I'm the only one to go--" Shucks! + +The lady built a cigarette and, after lighting it, turned back to scan +the mesa we had descended. The cattle now crowded down the narrow way +into the valley, their dust mounting in a high, slow cloud. + +"Call yourself a cowman, do you?" she demanded of the absent Homer. +"Huh!" Then we rode on. + +"What was the matter of life and death?" I asked. + +Ma Pettengill expelled cigarette smoke venomously from inflated nostrils +like a tired dragon. + +"The matter of life and death was that he had to get two teething rings +for the twins." + +"Twins!" + +"Oh, the valley got it's final laugh at Homer! Twins, sure! Most of us +laughed heartily, though there was mothers that said it was God's +judgment on the couple. Of course Homer and Minna ain't took it that way. +They took it more like they had been selected out of the whole world as a +couple worthy to have a blessed miracle happen to 'em. There might of +been single babies born now and then to common folks, but never a case +of twins--and twins like these! Marvels of strength and beauty, having to +be guarded day and night against colic and kidnappers. + +"They had 'em down to the post office at Kulanche the other day showing +'em off, each one in a red shawl; and sneering at people with only one. +And this imbecile Homer says to me: + +"'Of course it can't be hoped,' he says, 'that this great world war will +last that long; but if it could last till these boys was in shape to +fight I bet it wouldn't last much after that. Yes, sir; little Roosevelt +and Pershing would soon put an end to that scrap!' + +"And now they're teething and got to have rubber rings. And no, he +couldn't send any one down for 'em; and he couldn't order 'em by mail +either, because they got to be just the right kind. + +"'Poor little Pershing is right feverish with his gums,' says Homer, 'but +little Roosevelt has got a front one through already. He bit my thumb +yesterday with it--darned near to the bone. He did so!' + +"Calls himself a cowman, does he? He might of been--once. Now he ain't no +more than a woman's home companion!" + + + + +VIII + +CAN HAPPEN! + + +Lew Wee, prized Chinese chef of the Arrowhead Ranch, had butchered, +cooked, and served two young roosters for the evening meal with a +finesse that cried for tribute. As he replaced the evening lamp on the +cleared table in the big living room he listened to my fulsome praise of +his artistry as Marshal Foch might hear me say that I considered him a +rather good strategist. Lew Wee heard but gave no sign, as one set above +the petty adulation of compelled worshipers. Yet I knew his secret soul +made festival of my words and would have been hurt by their withholding. +This is his way. Not the least furtive lightening of his subtle eyes +hinted that I had pleased him. + +He presently withdrew to his tiny room off the kitchen, where, as was +his evening custom for half an hour, he coaxed an amazing number of +squealing or whining notes from his two-stringed fiddle. I pictured him +as he played. He would be seated in his wicker armchair beside a little +table on which a lamp glowed, the room tightly closed, window down, +door shut, a fast-burning brown-paper cigarette to make the atmosphere +more noxious. After many more of the cigarettes had made it all but +impossible, Lew Wee, with the lamp brightly burning, as it would burn the +night through--for devils of an injurious sort and in great numbers will +fearlessly enter a dark room--he would lie down to refreshing sleep. That +fantasy of ventilation! Lew Wee always sleeps in an air-tight room packed +with cigarette smoke, and a lamp turned high at his couchside; and Lew +Wee is hardy. + +He played over and over now a plaintive little air of minors that put +a gentle appeal through two closed doors. It is one he plays a great +deal. He has told me its meaning. He says--speaking with a not unpleasant +condescension--that this little tune will mean: "Life comes like a +bird-song through the open windows of the heart." It sounds quite like +that and is a very satisfying little song, with no beginning or end. + +He played it now, over and over, wanderingly and at leisure, and I +pictured his rapt face above the whining fiddle; the face, say, of the +Philosopher Mang, sage of the second degree and disciple of Confucius, +who was lifted from earth by the gods in a time we call B.C. but which +was then thought to be a fresh, new, late time; the face of subtle eyes +and guarded dignity. And I wondered, as I had often wondered, whether Lew +Wee, lone alien in the abiding place of mad folks, did not suffer a vast +homesickness for his sane kith, who do not misspend their days building +up certain grotesque animals to slaughter them for a dubious food. True, +he had the compensation of believing invincibly that the Arrowhead Ranch +and all its concerns lay upon his own slightly bowed shoulders; that the +thing would fast crumble upon his severance from it. But I questioned +whether this were adequate. I felt him to be a man of sorrow if not of +tragedy. Vaguely he reached me as one who had survived some colossal +buffeting. + +As I mused upon this Ma Pettengill sorted the evening mail and to Lew Wee +she now took his San Francisco newspaper, _Young China,_ and a letter. +Half an hour later Lew Wee brought wood to replenish the fire. He +disposed of this and absently brushed the hearth with a turkey wing. +Then he straightened the rug, crossed the room, and straightened on the +farther wall a framed portrait in colour of Majestic Folly, a prize bull +of the Hereford strain. Then he drew a curtain, flicked dust from a +corner of the table, and made a slow way to the kitchen door, pausing +to alter slightly the angle of a chair against the wall. + +Ma Pettengill, at the table, was far in the Red Gap _Recorder_ for the +previous day. I was unoccupied and I watched Lew Wee. He was doing +something human; he was lingering for a purpose. He straightened another +chair and wiped dust from the gilt frame of another picture, Architect's +Drawing of the Pettengill Block, Corner Fourth and Main streets, Red Gap, +Washington. From this feat he went softly to the kitchen door, where he +looked back; hung waiting in the silence. He had made no sound, yet he +had conveyed to his employer a wish for speech. She looked up at him from +the lamp's glow, chin down, brows raised, and eyes inquiring of him over +shining nose glasses. + +"My Uncle's store, Hankow, burn' down," said Lew Wee. + +"Why, wasn't that too bad!" said Ma Pettengill. + +"Can happen!" said Lew Wee positively. + +"Too bad!" said Ma Pettengill again. + +"I send him nine hundred dollars your money. Money burn, too," said Lew +Wee. + +"Now, now! Well, that certainly is too bad! What a shame!" + +"Can happen!" affirmed Lew Wee. + +It was colourless. He was not treating his loss lightly nor yet was he +bewailing it. + +"You put your money in the bank next time," warned his employer sharply, +"instead of letting it lie round in some flimsy Chinee junk shop. They're +always burning." + +Lew Wee regarded her with a stilled face. + +"Can happen!" he again murmured. + +He was the least bit insistent, as if she could not yet have heard +this utterly sufficing truth. Then he was out; and a moment later the +two-stringed fiddle whined a little song through two closed doors. + +I said something acute and original about the ingrained fatalism of the +Oriental races. + +Ma Pettengill laid down her paper, put aside her glasses, and said, yes, +Chinee one fatal race; feeling fatal thataway was what made 'em such good +help. Because why? Because, going to work at such-and-such a place, this +here fatal feeling made 'em think one place was no worse than another; so +why not stick here? If other races felt as fatal as the Chinee race it +would make a grand difference in the help problem. She'd bet a million +dollars right now that a lot of people wished the Swedes and Irish had +fatal feelings like that. + +I said Lew Wee had the look of one ever expecting the worst; even more +than the average of his race. + +"It ain't that," said my hostess. "He don't expect anything at all; or +mebbe everything. He takes what comes. If it's good or bad, he says, 'Can +happen!' in the same tone of voice; and that ends it. There he is now, +knowing that all this good money he saved by hard labour has gone up in +smoke, and paying the loss no more attention that if he'd merely broke a +string on that squeaky long-necked contraption he saws." + +"He seems careless enough with his money, certainly." + +"Sure, because he don't believe it does the least good to be careful." + +From a cloth sack the speaker poured tobacco into a longitudinally +creased brown paper and adeptly fashioned something in the nature of a +cigarette. + +"Ain't I been telling him for a year to buy Liberty Bonds with his money? +He did buy two, being very pro-American on account of once having a +violent difference with a German; and he's impressed with the button +the Government lets him wear for it. He feels like the President has made +him a mandarin or something; but if the whole Government went flooey +to-morrow he'd just say, 'Can happen!' and pick up his funny fiddle. Of +course it ain't human, but it helps to keep help. I had him six years +now, and the only thing that can't happen is his leaving. I don't say +there wasn't reasons why he first took the place." + +Reasons? So there had been reasons in the life of Lew Wee. I had +suspected as much. I found something guarded and timid and long-suffering +in his demeanour. He bore, I thought, the searing memory of an ordeal. + +"Reasons!" I said, waiting. + +"Reasons for coming this far in the first place. Wanted to save his life. +I don't know why, with that fatal idea he sticks to. Habit, probably. +Anyway, he had trouble saving it--kind of a feverish week." + +She lighted the cigarette and chuckled hoarsely between the first +relishing whiffs of it. + +"Yes, sir; that poor boy believes the country between here and the +coast is inhabited by savages; wild hill tribes that try to exterminate +peaceful travellers; a low kind of outlaws that can't understand a word +you tell 'em and act violent if you try to say it over. And having got +here, past the demons, I figure he's afraid to go back. I don't blame +him." + +Ordinarily, this would have been enough. Now the lady merely smoked and +chuckled. When I again uttered "Well?" with a tinge of rebuke, she came +down from her musing, but into another and distant field. It was the +field of natural history, of zoology, of vertebrates, mammals, furred +quadrupeds--or, in short, skunks. One may as well be blunt in this +matter. + +Ma Pettengill said the skunk got too little credit for its lovely +character, it being the friendliest wild animal known to man and never +offensive except when put upon. Wasn't we all offensive at those times? +And just because the skunk happened to be superbly gifted in this +respect, was that any reason to ostracize him? + +"I ain't sayin' I'd like to mix with one when he's vexed," continued the +lady judicially; "but why vex 'em? They never look for trouble; then why +force it on their notice? Take one summer, years ago, when Lysander John +and I had a camp up above Dry Forks. My lands! Every night after supper +the prettiest gang of skunks would frolic down off the hillside and romp +round us. Here would come Pa and Ma in the lead, and mebbe a couple of +aunts and uncles and four or five of the cunningest little ones, and +they'd all snoop fearlessly round the cook fire and the grub boxes, +picking up scraps of food--right round under my feet, mind you--and +looking up now and then and saying, 'Thank you!' plain as anything, and +what lovely weather we're having, and why don't you come up and see us +some time?--and so on. They kept it up for a month while we was there; +and I couldn't want neater, nicer neighbours. + +"Lysander John, he used to get some nervous, especially after one chased +him back into the tent late one night; but it was only wanting to play +like a mere puppy, I tells him. He'd heard a noise and rushed out, and +there the little thing was kind of waltzing in the moonlight, whirling +round and round and having a splendid time. When it came bounding toward +him--I guess that was the only time in his life Lysander John was scared +helpless. He busted back into the tent a mere palsied wreck of his former +self; but the cute little minx just come up and sniffed at the flap in a +friendly way, like it wanted to reassure him. I wanted him to go out and +play with it in the moonlight. He wouldn't. I liked 'em round the place, +they was so neighbourly and calm. Of course if I'd ever stepped on one, +or acted sudden-- + +"They also tame easy and make affectionate pets. Ralph Waldo Gusted, over +on Elkhorn, that traps 'em in winter to make First-Quality Labrador +Sealskin cloaks--his children got two in the house they play with like +kittens; and he says himself the skunk has been talked about in a loose +and unthinking way. He says a pet skunk is not only a fine mouser but +leads a far more righteous life than a cat, which is given to debauchery +and cursing in the night. Yes, sir; they're the most trusting and +friendly critters in all the woods if not imposed upon--after that, +to be sure!" + +I said yes, yes, and undoubtedly, and all very interesting, and well and +good in its place; but, really, was this its place? I wanted Lew Wee's +reasons for believing in the existence of savage hill tribes between +there and San Francisco. + +"Yes; and San Francisco is worse," said the lady. "He believes that city +to be ready for mob violence at any moment. Wild crowds get together and +yell and surge round on the least provocation. He says it's different in +China, the people there not being crazy." + +"Well, then, we can get on with this mystery." + +So Ma Pettengill said we could; and we did indeed. + +This here chink seems to of been a carefree child up to the time the +civilized world went crazy with a version for him. He was a good cook +and had a good job at a swell country club down the peninsula from San +Francisco. The hours was easy and he was close enough to the city to +get in once or twice a week and mingle with his kind. He could pass an +evening with the older set, playing fan-tan and electing a new president +of the Chinee race, or go to the Chinee theatre and set in a box and chew +sugar cane; or he could have a nice time at the clubrooms of the Young +China Progressive Association, playing poker for money. Once in a while +he'd mix in a tong war, he being well thought of as a hatchet man--only +they don't use hatchets, but automatics; in fact, all Nature seemed to +smile on him. + +Well, right near this country club one of his six hundred thousand +cousins worked as gardener for a man, and this man kept many beautiful +chickens--so Lew Wee says. And he says a strange and wicked night animal +crept into the home of these beautiful birds and slew about a dozen of +'em by biting 'em under their wings. The man told his cousin that the +wicked night animal must be a skunk and that his cousin should catch him +in a trap. So the cousin told Lew Wee that the wicked night animal was a +skunk and that he was going to catch him in a trap. Lew Wee thought it +was interesting. + +He went up to the city and in the course of a pleasant evening at fan-tan +he told about the slain chickens that were so beautiful, and how the +night animal that done it would be caught in a trap. A great friend of +Lew Wee's was present, a wonderful doctor. Lew Wee still says he is the +most wonderful doctor in the world, knowing things about medicines that +the white doctors can't ever find out, these being things that the Chinee +doctors found out over fifteen thousand years ago, and therefore true. +The doctor's name was Doctor Hong Foy, and he was a rich doctor. And he +says to Lew Wee that he needs a skunk for medicine, and if any one will +bring him a live skunk in good condition he will pay twenty-five dollars +in American money for same. + +Lew Wee says he won't be needing that skunk much longer--or words to +that effect--because he will get this one from the trap. Doctor Hong +Foy is much pleased and says the twenty-five American dollars is eager +to become Lew Wee's for this animal, alive and in good condition. + +Lew Wee goes back, and the next day his cousin says he set a trap and the +night skunk entered it, but he was strong like a lion and had busted out +and bit some more chickens under the wing, and then went away from there. +He showed Lew Wee the trap and Lew Wee seen it wasn't the right kind, but +he knows how to make the right kind and will do so if the skunk can +become entirely his property when caught. + +The cousin, without the least argument, agreed heartily to this. He was +honest enough. He explained carefully that the skunk was wished to be +caught to keep it from biting chickens under the wing, causing them to +die, and not for any value whatever it might have to the person catching +it. He says it will be beneficial to catch the skunk, but not to keep it; +that a skunk is not nice after being caught, and Lew Wee is more than +welcome to it if he will make a right trap. The cousin himself was +probably one of these fatal "Can happen!" boys. When Lew Wee says he must +have the skunk alive and in good condition he just looked at him in a +distant manner that Lew Wee afterward remembered; but he only said: "Oh, +very well!" in his native language. + +Lew Wee then found a small peaked-roofed chicken coop, with stout +slats on it, and made a figure-four trap, and put something for bait +on the pointed stick and set the trap, and begun right off to squander +twenty-five dollars that was to come as easy as picking it up in the +road. + +There wasn't any breakfast trade at the country club and Lew Wee was able +to get over across the golf links to the chicken place early the next +morning. The cousin was some distance from the chicken place, hoeing a +bed of artichokes, but he told Lew Wee his trap had been a very wonderful +trap and the night animal was safe caught. Lew Wee was surprised at his +cousin's indifference and thought he should of been over there looking at +the prize. But not so. The cousin was keeping some distance off. He just +told Lew Wee that there was his animal and that he should take it away +with as little disturbance as possible, which would be better far and +near for all concerned. He was strangely cool about it. + +But Lew Wee was full of pleasant excitement and run swiftly to his trap. +Sure enough! There was a nice big beautiful skunk in his trap. Lew Wee +had never seen one. He said it was more beautiful than a golden pheasant, +with rich, shiny black fur and a lovely white stripe starting from its +face and running straight down on each side of its back; and it had a +wonderful waving tail, like a plume. He looked at it joyfully through the +slats. It was setting down comfortably when he come up; so he spoke to +it in a friendly way. Then it got up and yawned and stretched itself, +looking entirely self-possessed, but kind of bored, I suppose, like this +was a poor sort of practical joke to play on a gentleman; so now would +someone kindly lift this box off him? + +The proud owner danced about it in great glee and told it how the nice +doctor wouldn't hurt it any, but would give it a good home, with chicken +for supper, mebbe, and so on. Then he went back to his cousin and give +him a pack of cigarettes, out of his overflowing heart, and asked where +was something he could put his wild animal in and take it to town to his +great friend Doctor Hong Foy, who had a desire for it. + +The cousin took the cigarettes, but he looked at Lew Wee a long time, +like he didn't understand Chinee at all. Lew Wee said it all over again. +He wanted something to take the wild animal to town in, because the +chicken coop it was now in hadn't any bottom; and was too big, anyway. + +The cousin again looked at him a long time, like one in a trance. Then, +without any silly talk, he went over to the barn and handed Lew Wee a +bran sack. + +Lew Wee said that was just the thing; and would the cousin come over +and help him in case the animal would be timid and not want to go in +the sack? The cousin said he would not. And he didn't go back to the +artichokes. He went to a bed of cauliflower clear at the other end of +the garden, after giving Lew Wee another of them long "Can happen!" +looks, which signify that we live in a strange and terrible world. + +Lew Wee went back alone to his prize, finding it still calm, like a +gentleman in his club. He reassured it with some more cheerful words. +He had a thought right then, he says; kind of a sudden fear. He had been +told the first day by his cousin, and also by his great friend Doctor +Hong Foy, that the skunk gave out a strong scent disagreeable to many +people. But this one he'd caught didn't have any scent of any kind. So +mebbe that meant it wasn't in good condition and Doctor Hong Foy wouldn't +wish it for twenty-five dollars. However, it was sure a skunk, and looked +strong and healthy and worth taking in to the doctor, who could then tell +about its condition. + +Lew Wee opened the neck of the bag, laid it on the ground close by him, +got down on his knees, and carefully raised one side of the coop. The +wild animal looked more beautiful than ever; and it didn't seem alarmed, +but just the tiniest mite suspicious. It must of looked like it was +saying it was entirely willing to be friendly, but you couldn't ever tell +about these Chinamen. Lew Wee reached a hand slowly over toward it and it +moved against the back of the coop, very watchful. Then Lew Wee made a +quick grab and caught the back of its neck neatly. + +Of course this showed at once that a Chinaman wasn't to be trusted, and +Lew Wee says it put up a fierce fight, being so quick and muscular as to +surprise him. He was fully engaged for at least thirty seconds; the +animal clawed and squirmed and twisted, and it bit in the clinches and +almost got away. He was breathing hard when he finally got his wild +animal into the sack and the neck tied. + +He says he didn't actually realize until then, what with all the +excitement, that something had gone kind of wrong. He was not only +breathing hard but it was hard breathing. He says he felt awful good +at that moment. He had been afraid his animal might not be in good +condition, but it undoubtedly was. He thought right off that if one in +just ordinary good condition was worth twenty-five dollars to Doctor Hong +Foy, then this one might be worth as much as thirty-five, or even forty. +He thought it must be the best wild animal of that kind in the world. + +So he picked up the sack, with his prize squirming and swearing inside, +and threw it over his shoulder and started back to the country club. He +stopped a minute to thank his cousin once more; but his cousin seen him +coming and run swiftly off in a strange manner, as if not wishing to be +thanked again. Then Lew Wee went on across a field and over the golf +links. His idea was to take the little animal to his room in the +clubhouse and keep it there until night, when he could take it into +town and get all that money for it. He was quite happy and wished he +hadn't scared the poor thing so. + +He thought when he got to his room he might let it out of the sack to +play round there in freedom during the day. He spent the twenty-five +dollars for different things on the way over the golf links. He told me +he knew perfectly well that his pet would be likely to attract notice; +but he didn't realize how much. A Chinese is a wonder. He can very soon +get used to anything. + +But Lew Wee never did get to his room again. When he got up near the +clubhouse some fine people were getting out of a shiny purple motor car +as big as a palace, and they had golf sticks in bags. One of 'em was a +big red-faced man with a fierce gray moustache, and this man begun to +yell at Lew Wee in a remarkable manner. The words being in a foreign +language, he couldn't make 'em out well, but the sense of it was that +the big man wanted him to go away from there. Lew Wee knew he wasn't +working for this man, who was only a club member; so he paid no attention +to him beyond waving his hand friendly, and went on round toward the back +entrance. + +Then out of the side entrance come the chief steward, also yelling, and +this was the man he was working for; so he stopped to listen. It wasn't +for long. He lost a good job as cook in no time at all. Of course that +never bothers a Chinee any; but when he started in to get his things +from his room the steward picked up a golf club with an iron end and +threatened to hurt him, and some of the kitchen help run round from the +back with knives flashing, and the big red-faced man was yelling to the +steward to send for a policeman, and some ladies that had got out of +another big car had run halfway across the golf links, as if pursued by +something, and more people from the inside come to the door and yelled at +him and made motions he should go away; so he thought he better not try +to get his things just then. He couldn't see why all the turmoil, even if +he had got something in prime condition for his friend Doctor Hong Foy. + +It was noticeable, he thought; but nothing to make all this fuss about, +especially if the fools would just let him get it to his own room, where +it could become quiet again, like when he had first seen it in the trap. +But he saw they wasn't going to let him, and the big man had gone in the +front way and was now shaking both fists at him through a side window +that was closed; so he thought, all right, he'd leave 'em flat, without +a cook--and a golf tournament was on that day, too! He was twenty-five +dollars to the good and he could easy get another job. + +So he waved good-bye to all of 'em and went down the road half a mile +to the car line. He was building air castles by that time. He says it +occurred to him that Doctor Hong Foy might like many of these wild +animals, at twenty-five dollars each; and he might take up the work +steady. It was exciting and sporty, and would make him suddenly rich. +Mebbe it wasn't as pleasant work as his cousin did, spending his time +round gardens and greenhouses; but it was more adventurous. He really +liked it, and he would get even more used to it in time so he wouldn't +hardly notice it at all. As he stood there waiting for a trolley car he +must of thought up a whole headful of things he'd buy with all these +sudden emoluments. Several motor cars passed while he waited and he +noticed that folks in 'em all turned to look at him in an excited way. +But he knew all Americans was crazy and liable to be mad about something. + +Pretty soon a car stopped and some people got off the front end. They +stopped short and begun to look all round 'em in a frightened manner--two +ladies and a child and an old man. The conductor also stepped off and +looked round in a frightened manner; but he jumped back on the car quick. +Lew Wee then hopped on to the back platform, with his baggage, just as it +started on. It started quick and was going forty miles an hour by the +time he'd got the door open. The two women in the car screamed at him +like maniacs, and before he'd got comfortably set down the conductor had +opened the front door and started for him. He got halfway down the car; +then he started back and made a long speech at him from the front end, +while the car stopped like it had hit a mountain, throwing everyone off +their seats. + +Lew Wee gathered that he was being directed to get off the car quickly. +The other passengers had crowded back by the conductor and was telling +him the same thing. One old gentleman with a cane, who mebbe couldn't +walk good, had took up his cane and busted a window quick and had his +head outside. Lew Wee thought he was an anarchist, busting up property +that way. Also the motorman, who had stopped the car so soon, was now +shaking a brass weapon at him over the heads of the others. So he thought +he might as well get off the car and save all this talk. He'd got his +fare out, but he put it back in his pocket and picked up his sack and +went out in a very dignified way, even if they was threatening him. He +knew he had something worth twenty-five dollars in his sack, and they +probably didn't know it or they wouldn't act that way. + +He set down and waited for another car, still spending his money. + +The next one slowed down for him; but all at once it started up again +more swift than the wind, he says; and he could see that the motorman +was a coward about something, because he looked greatly frightened when +he flew by the spot. He never saw one go so fast as this one did after it +had slowed up for him. It looked like the motorman would soon be arrested +for driving his car too fast. He then had the same trouble with another +car; it slowed up, but was off again before it stopped, and the people in +it looked out at him kind of horrified. + +It begun to look like he wasn't going to ride to the city in a trolley +car. Pretty soon along the road come a Japanese man he knew. His name +was Suzuki Katsuzo; and Lew Wee says that, though nothing but a Japanese, +he is in many respects a decent man. Suzuki passed him, going round in a +wide circle, and stopped to give him some good advice. He refused to come +a step nearer, even after Lew Wee told him that what he had in the sack +was worth a lot of money. + +Suzuki was very polite, but he didn't want to come any nearer, even +after that. He told Lew Wee he was almost certain they didn't want him +on street cars with it, no matter if it was worth thousands of dollars. +It might be worth that much, and very likely was if the price depended on +its condition. But the best and most peaceful way for Lew Wee was to find +a motor car going that way and ask the gentleman driving it to let him +ride; he said it would be better, too, to pick out a motor car without a +top to it, because the other kind are often shut up too tightly for such +affairs as this, like street cars. He said the persons in street cars are +common persons, and do not care if a thing is worth thousands of dollars +or not if they don't like to have it in the car with them. He didn't +believe it would make any difference to them if something like this was +worth a million dollars in American gold. + +So Lew Wee thanked Suzuki Katsuzo, who went quickly on his way; and then +he tried to stop a few motor cars. It seemed like they was as timid as +street cars. People would slow up when they seen him in the road and then +step on the gas like it was a matter of life and death. Lew Wee must of +said "Can happen!" a number of times that morning. + +Finally, along come a German. He was driving a big motor truck full of +empty beer kegs, and Lew Wee says the German himself was a drinking man +and had been drinking so much beer that he could nearly go to sleep while +driving the car. + +He slowed up and stopped when he saw Lew Wee in the middle of the road. +Lew Wee said he wanted to go to San Francisco and would give the driver a +dollar to let him ride back on the beer kegs. The driver said: "Let's see +the dollar." And took it and said: "All right, John; get up." Then he +sniffed the air several times and said it seemed like there had been a +skunk round. Lew Wee didn't tell him he had it in his bag because the +driver might know how much it was worth and try foul play on him to get +possession of it. So they started on, and the German, who had been +drinking, settled into a kind of doze at the wheel. + +Lew Wee was up on the beer kegs and enjoying himself like a rich +gentleman riding to the city in his motor car. It was kind of nice, in +spite of being used to his pet, to be going through the air so fast. + +The German seemed to be getting sobered up by something, and after +about five or six miles he stopped the car and yelled to Lew Wee that +a skunk had been round this place, too; and mebbe he had run over one. +Lew Wee looked noncommittal; but the German was getting more wakeful +every minute, and after a couple more miles he pulled up again and come +round to where Lew Wee was. He says it seems like a skunk has been round +everywhere; and, in fact, it seems to be right here now. He sees the sack +and wants to know what's in it. But he don't give Lew Wee a chance to +lie about it. He was thoroughly awake now and talked quite sober but +bitterly. He ordered Lew Wee to get off of there quickly. Lew Wee says +he swore at him a lot. He thinks it was in German. He ain't sure of the +language, but he knows it was swearing. + +He wasn't going to get off, at first; but the German got a big stick from +the roadside and started for him, so he climbed down the other side and +started to run. But the cowardly German didn't chase him a single step. +He got back in his seat and started down the road quicker than it looked +like his truck had been able to travel. + +Anyway, Lew Wee was a lot nearer to town, owing to the German not having +been sensitive at first; and if worst come to worst he could walk. It +looked like he'd have to. Then he saw he'd have to walk, anyway, because +this brutal German that put him off the truck hadn't give him back his +dollar, and that was all he had. He now put the First High Curse of the +One Hundred and Nine Malignant Devils on all Germans. It is a grand +curse, he says, and has done a lot of good in China. He was uncertain +whether it would work away from home; but he says it did. Every time he +gets hold of a paper now he looks for the place where Germans in close +formation is getting mowed down by machine-gun fire. + +But his money was gone miles away from him by this time; so he started +his ten-mile walk. I don't know. It's always been a mystery to me how he +could do it. He could get kind of used to it himself, and mebbe he +thought the public could do as much. It was an interesting walk he had. + +At first, he thought he was only attracting the notice of the vulgar, +like when some American ruffians doing a job of repair work on the road +threw rocks at him when he stopped to rest a bit. But he soon noticed +that rich ladies and gentlemen also seemed to shun him as he passed +through little towns. He carried his impetuous burden on a stick over +his shoulder and at a distance seemed to be an honest workman; but people +coming closer didn't look respectfully at him, by any means. It seemed +as if some odium was attached to him. + +Once he stopped to pick a big red rose from a bush that hung over the +wall in front of a pretty place, and a beautiful child dressed like a +little princess stood there; and, being fond of children, like all Chinee +men, he spoke to her; but a nurse screamed and run out at him and yelled +something in another foreign language. He thinks it was swearing, same as +the German, though she looked like a lady. So he went sadly on, smelling +of his lovely rose from time to time. + +The only way I can figure out how he got through them suburbs is that +parties wanted to have him arrested or shot, or something, but wouldn't +let him stick round long enough to get it done; they was in two minds +about him, I guess: they wished to detain him, but also wished harder +to have him away. + +So he went on uninjured, meeting murderous looks and leaving excitement +in his trail; hearing men threaten him even while they run away from him. +It hurt him to be shunned this way--him that had always felt so friendly +toward one and all. He couldn't deny it by this time: people was shunning +him on account of what Doctor Hong Foy wanted alive and in good +condition. + +As he worked his way into the city the excitement mounted higher. He took +to the middle of the street where he could. Mobs collected behind him and +waved things at him and looked like they would lynch him; but they didn't +come close enough for that. It seemed like he bore a charmed life in +spite of this hostility. When he'd got well into the city a policeman did +come up and start to arrest him, but thought better of it and went round +a corner. It made him feel like a social cull or an outcast, or +something. + +He wasn't a bit foolish about his cunning little pet by this time. And +it looked as if these crowds of people that gathered behind him would +finally get their nerve up to do something with him. They was getting +bigger and acting more desperate. When he was on the sidewalk he swept +people off into the road like magic, and when he was in the street they +would edge close in to the buildings. + +It really hurt him. He'd always liked Americans, in spite of their +foreign ways, and they had seemed to like him; but now all at once they +was looking on him as a yellow peril. He still kept his rose to smell of. +He said it was a sweet comfort to him at a time when the whole world had +turned against him for nothing at all. + +He made for Chinatown by the quietest streets he could pick out, though +even on them hardly escaping the lawless mob. But at last he got to the +street where Doctor Hong Foy's office was. It was largely a Chinese +street and lots of his friends lived there; but even now, when you'd +think he'd get kind words and congratulations, he didn't. + +His best friends regarded him as one better let alone and made swift +gestures of repulsion when he passed 'em. Quite a crowd followed at a +safe distance and gathered outside when he went into Doctor Hong Foy's +office. It was a kind of store on the ground floor, so Lew Wee says, with +shelves full of rich old Chinee medicines that had a certain powerful +presence of their own. But even in here Doctor Hong Foy should of known +beyond a doubt what his friend had brought him. + +It seemed the doctor had to make sure. He wasn't of the same believing +nature as the street-car people, and the German and others. He wanted to +be shown. So they undone the sack and opened it down to where Doctor Hong +Foy could make sure. But their work was faulty and the wild animal didn't +like handling after its day of mistreatment. It had been made morbid, I +guess. Anyway, it displayed an extremely nervous tendency, and many +impetuous movements, and bit Doctor Hong Foy in the thumb. Then the first +owner tried to grab him and the pet wriggled away on to a tray of dried +eel gizzards, or something, and off that to the open door. + +The little thing run into the front of the large crowd that had waited +outside and had a wonderful effect on it. Them in the centre tried to +melt away, but couldn't on account of them on the outside; so there was +fights and accidents, and different ones tromped on, and screams of fear. +And this brought a lot bigger crowd that pressed in and made the centre +ones more anguished. I don't know. That poor animal had been imposed on +all day and must of been overwrought. It was sore vexed by now and didn't +care who knew it. Lots of 'em did. + +Of course Lew Wee dashed out after his property, hugging the sack to his +chest; and, of course, he created just as much disturbance as his little +pet had. Policemen was mingling with the violence by this time and adding +much to its spirit. One public-spirited citizen grabbed Lew Wee in spite +of its being distasteful; but he kicked the poor man on the kneecap and +made a way through the crowd without too much trouble. + +He wasn't having any vogue whatever in that neighbourhood. He run down +a little side street, up an alley, and into a cellar he knew about, this +cellar being the way out of the Young China Progressive Association when +they was raided up the front stairs on account of gambling at poker. + +He could hear the roar of the mob clear from there. It took about an hour +for this to die down. People would come to see what all the excitement +was about, and find out almost at once; then they'd try to get away, +and run against others coming to find out, thus producing a very earnest +riot. There was mounted policemen and patrol wagons and many arrests, +and an armed posse hunting for the escaped pet and shooting up alleys at +every little thing that moved. They never did find the pet--so one of Lew +Wee's cousins wrote him; which made him sorry on account of Doctor Hong +Foy and the twenty-five or mebbe thirty dollars. + +He lay hid in this cellar till dark; then started out to find his friends +and get something to eat. He darned near started everything all over +again; but he dodged down another alley and managed to get some noodles +and chowmain at the back door of the Hong-Kong Grill, where a tong +brother worked. He begun to realize that he was a marked man. The mark +didn't show; but he was. He didn't know what the law might do to him. +It looked like at least twenty years in some penal institution, if not +hanging; and he didn't want either one. + +So he borrowed three dollars from the tong brother and started for +some place where he could lead a quiet life. He managed to get to +Oakland, though the deck hands on the ferryboat talked about throwing +him overboard. But they let him live if he would stay at the back end +till everyone, including the deck hands, was safe off or behind something +when the boat landed. Then he wandered off into the night and found a +freight train. He didn't care where he went--just somewhere they wouldn't +know about his crime. + +He rode a while between two freight cars; then left that train and found +a blind baggage on a passenger train that went faster and near froze him +to death. He got off, chilled in the early morning, at some little town +and bought some food in a Chinee restaurant and also got warm. But he +hadn't no more than got warm when he was put out of the place, right by +his own people. + +It was warm outside by this time, so he didn't mind it so much. The town +did, though. It must of been a small town, but he says thousands of men +chased him out of it about as soon as he was warmed up enough to run. He +couldn't understand this, because how could they know he was the one that +caused all that trouble in San Francisco? + +He got a freight train outside the town and rode on and on. He says +he rode on for weeks and weeks; but that's his imagination. It must of +been about three days, with spells of getting off for food and to get +warmed when he was freezing, and be chased by these wild hill tribes when +he had done the latter. It put a crimp into his sunny nature--all this +armed pursuit of him. He says if he had been a Christian, and believed +in only one God, he would never of come through alive, it taking about +seventy-four or five of his own gods to protect him from these maddened +savages. He had a continuous nightmare of harsh words and blows. He +wondered they didn't put him in jail; but it seemed like they only +wanted to keep him going. + +Of course it had to end. He got to Spokane finally and sneaked round to +a friend that had a laundry; and this friend must of been a noble soul. +He took in the outcast and nursed him with food and drink, and repeatedly +washed his clothes. Wanting a ranch cook about that time, I got in touch +with him through another cousin, who said this man wanted very much to +go out into a safe country, and would never leave it because of +unpleasantness in getting here. + +It was ten days after he got there that I saw him first, and I'll be +darned if he was any human sachet, even then. But after hearing his story +I knew that time would once more make him fit for human association. +He told me his story with much feeling this time and he told it to me +about once a week for three months after he got here--pieces of it at a +time. It used to cheer me a lot. He was always remembering something new. +He said he liked the great silence and peace of this spot. + +You couldn't tell him to this day that his belief about the savage hill +tribes ain't sound. He believes anything "can happen" in that country +down there. Doctor Hong Foy never paid him the twenty-five, of course, +though admitting that he would of done so if the animal had not escaped, +because he was in such good condition, for a skunk, that he was worth +twenty-five dollars of any doctor's money. I don't know. As I say, +they're friendly little critters; but it's more money that I would +actually pay for one. + +Through two closed doors the whine of the fiddle still penetrated. +Perhaps Lew Wee's recent loss had moved him to play later than was his +custom, pondering upon the curious whims that stir the gods when they +start to make things happen. But he was still no cynic. Over and over he +played the little air which means: "Life comes like a bird-song through +the open windows of the heart." + + + + +IX + +THE TAKER-UP + + +On a tired evening, in front of the Arrowhead's open fire, I lived over +for the hundredth time a great moment. From the big pool under the falls +four miles up the creek I had landed the Big Trout. Others had failed in +years past; I, too, had failed more than once. But to-day! + +At the hour of 9:46 A.M., to be exact, as one should in these matters, I +had cast three times above the known lair of this fish. Then I cast a +fourth time, more from habit than hope; and the fight was on. I put it +here with the grim brevity of a communique. Despite stout resistance, the +objective was gained at 9:55 A.M. And the Big Trout would weigh a good +two and one half--say three or three and one quarter--pounds. These are +the bare facts. + +Verily it was a moment to live over; and to myself now I was more +discursive. I vanquished the giant trout again and again, altering +details of the contest at will--as when I waded into icy water to the +waist in a last moment of panic. My calm review disclosed that this had +been fanciful overcaution; but at the great crisis and for three minutes +afterward I had gloried in the wetting. + +Now again I three times idly flicked that corner of the pool with a +synthetic moth. Again for the fourth time I cast, more from habit than +hope. Then ensued that terrific rush from the pool's lucent depths-- + +"Yes, sir; you wouldn't need no two guesses for what she'd wear at a +grand costume ball of the Allied nations--not if you knew her like I do." +This was Ma Pettengill, who had stripped a Sunday paper from the great +city to its society page. She lifted this under the lamp and made strange +but eloquent noises of derision: + +"You take Genevieve May now, of a morning, before that strong-arm +Japanese maid has got her face rubbed down and calked with paints, +oils, and putty, and you'd say to her, as a friend and well-wisher: +'Now look here, old girl, you might get by at that costume ball as +Stricken Serbia or Ravaged Belgium, but you better take a well-meant +hint and everlastingly do not try to get over as La Belle France. True, +France has had a lot of things done to her,' you'd say, 'and she may +show a blemish here and there; but still, don't try it unless you wish +to start something with a now friendly ally--even if it is in your own +house. That nation is already pushed to a desperate point, and any little +thing might prove too much--even if you are Mrs. Genevieve May Popper and +have took up the war in a hearty girlish manner.' Yes, sir!" + +This, to be sure, was outrageous--that I should hear myself addressing a +strange lady in terms so gross. Besides, I wished again to be present at +the death of my favourite trout. I affected not to have heard. I affected +to be thinking deeply. + +It worked, measurably. Once more I scanned the pool's gleaming surface +and felt the cold pricking of spray from the white water that tumbled +from a cleft in the rocks above. Once more I wondered if this, by chance, +might prove a sad but glorious day for a long-elusive trout. Once more I +looked to the fly. Once more I-- + +"What I never been able to figger out--how can a dame like that fool +herself beyond a certain age? Seams in her face! And not a soul but would +know she got her hair like the United States acquired Louisiana. That +lady's power of belief is enormous. And I bet she couldn't put two and +two together without making a total wreck of the problem. Like fair time +a year ago, when she was down to Red Gap taking up the war. She comes +along Fourth Street in her uniform one morning, fresh from the hands of +this hired accomplice of hers, and meets Cousin Egbert Floud and me where +we'd stopped to talk a minute. She is bubbling with war activity as +usual, but stopped and bubbled at us a bit--kind of hale and girlish, you +might say. We passed the time of day; and, being that I'm a first-class +society liar, I say how young and fresh she looks; and she gets the ball +and bats it right back to Cousin Egbert. + +"'You'd never dream,' says she, 'what my funny little mite of a Japanese +maid calls me! You'd really never guess! She calls me Madam Peach +Blossom! Isn't that perfectly absurd, Mr. Floud?' + +"And poor Cousin Egbert, instead of giggling in a hearty manner and +saying 'Oh, come now, Mrs. Popper! What's in the least absurd about +that?'--like he was meant to and like any gentleman would of--what does +the poor silly do but blink at her a couple of times like an old barn owl +that's been startled and say 'Yes, ma'am!'--flat and cold, just like +that! + +"It almost made an awkward pause; but the lady pretended she had been +saying something to me, so she couldn't hear him. That Cousin Egbert! He +certainly wouldn't ever get very high in the diplomatic service of +anybody's country. + +"And here's this grand ball of the Allied nations in costume, give in +Genevieve May's palatial residence. It must of throwed a new panic into +Berlin when they got the news off the wire. Matter of fact, I don't see +how them Germans held out long as they did, with Genevieve May Popper +putting crimps into 'em with her tireless war activities. That proves +itself they'd been long preparing for the fray. Of course, with Genevieve +May and this here new city marshal, Fotch, the French got, it was only a +question of time. Genevieve is sure one born taker-up! Now she's made a +complete circle of the useful arts and got round to dancing again. Yes, +sir!" + +I affected to believe I was solitary in the room. This time it did not +work--even measurably. Almost at once came: "I said she was the darndest +woman in the world to take things up!" The tone compelled notice, so I +said "Indeed!" and "You don't say!" with a cautiously extended space +between them, and tried to go on thinking. + +Then I knew the woman's full habit of speech was strong upon her and +that one might no longer muse upon a caught trout--even one to weigh +well up toward four pounds. So I remembered that I was supposed to be +a gentleman. + +"Go right ahead and talk," I murmured. + +"Sure!" said the lady, not murmuring. "What in time did you think I was +going to do?" + +Yes, sir; I bet she's the greatest taker-up--bar none--the war has yet +produced. She's took up France the latest. I understand they got a +society of real workers somewhere that's trying to house and feed and +give medicine and crutches to them poor unfortunates that got in the way +of the dear old Fatherland when it took the lid off its Culture and tried +to make the world safe--even for Germans; but I guess this here society +gets things over to devastated France without much music or flourishes or +uniforms that would interest Genevieve May. + +But if that country is to be saved by costume balls of the Allied +nations, with Genevieve May being La Belle France in a dress hardly long +enough to show three colours, then it needn't have another uneasy moment. +Genevieve stands ready to do all if she can wear a costume and dance the +steps it cost her eight dollars a lesson to learn from one of these slim +professionals that looks like a rich college boy. + +It was this reckless dancing she'd took up when I first knew her, though +she probably goes back far enough to of took up roller skating when that +was sprung on an eager world; and I know she got herself talked about in +1892 for wearing bloomers on a bicycle. But we wasn't really acquainted +till folks begun to act too familiar in public, and call it dancing, and +pay eight dollars a lesson to learn something any of 'em that was healthy +would of known by instinct at a proper time and place. Having lots of +money, Genevieve May travelled round to the big towns, learning new steps +and always taking with her one of these eight-dollar boys, with his hair +done like a seal, to make sure she'd learn every step she saw. + +She was systematic, that woman. If she was in Seattle and heard about a +new step in San Francisco, she'd be on the train with her instructor in +one hour and come back with the new step down pat. She scandalized Red +Gap the year she come to visit her married daughter, Lucille Stultz, by +introducing many of these new grips and clinches; but of course that soon +wore off. Seems like we get used to anything in this world after it's +done by well-dressed people a few times. + +Then, as I say, these kind-hearted, music-loving Germans, with their +strong affection for home life and little ones, started in to shoot the +rest of the world up to German standards, and they hadn't burned more +than a dozen towns in Belgium, after shooting the oldest and youngest +and sexecuting the women--I suppose sexecution is what you might call +it--before Genevieve took up the war herself. + +Yes, sir--took it right up; no sooner said than done with her. It was +really all over right then. The Germans might just as well of begun four +years ago to talk about the anarchistic blood-lust of Woodrow Wilson as +to wait until they found out the Almighty knows other languages besides +German. + +I believe the Red Cross was the first handle by which Genevieve May took +up the war. But that costume is too cheap for one that feels she's a born +social leader if she could only get someone to follow. She found that +young chits of no real social standing, but with a pleasing exterior, +could get into a Red Cross uniform costing about two-eighty-five and sell +objects of luxury at a bazaar twice as fast as a mature woman of sterling +character in the same simple garb. + +So Genevieve May saw it had got to be something costing more money and +beyond the reach of an element you wouldn't care to entertain in your +own drawing room. And next thing I was up to Spokane, and here she is, +dashing round the corridors of the hotel in a uniform that never cost a +penny under two hundred and fifty, what with its being made by a swell +tailor and having shiny boots with silver spurs and a natty tucked +cap and a shiny belt that went round the waist and also up over one +shoulder, with metal trimming, and so on. She was awful busy, darting +hither and yon at the lunch hour, looking prettily worried and like she +would wish to avoid being so conspicuous, but was foiled by the stares +of the crowd. + +Something always seemed to be happening to make her stand out; like in +the restaurant, where, no sooner did she pick out just the right table, +after some hesitation, and get nicely seated, than she'd see someone +across the room at a far table and have to run over and speak. She spoke +to parties at five distant tables that day, getting a scratchy lunch, I +should say. One of the tables was mine. We wasn't what you'd call close +friends, but she cut a swath clean across a crowded dining room to tell +me how well I was looking. + +Of course I fell for the uniform and wanted to know what it meant. Well, +it meant that she was organizing a corps of girl ambulance drivers from +the city's beet families. She was a major herself already, and was being +saluted by he-officers. She said it was a wonderful work, and how did I +think she looked in this, because it was a time calling for everyone's +best, and what had I taken up for my bit? I was only raising beef cattle, +so I didn't have any answer to that. I felt quite shamed. And Genevieve +went back to her own table for another bite of food, bowing tolerantly to +most of the people in the room. + +I don't know how far she ever got with this girl's ambulance corps +beyond her own uniform. She certainly made an imposing ambulance driver +herself on the streets of that town. You'd see her big, shiny, light-blue +limousine drive up, with two men on the seat and Genevieve, in uniform, +would be helped out by one of 'em, and you knew right off you'd love to +be a wounded soldier and be drove over shell-torn roads by her own hands. + +Anyway, she got mad and left the ambulance service flat, getting into +some sort of brawl with an adjutant general or something through wanting +to take a mere detail out of his hands that he felt should stay right +where it was, he being one of these offensive martinets and a stickler +for red tape, and swollen with petty power. So Genevieve May said. + +So she looked round for another way to start a few home fires burning +on the other side of the Rhine. I forget what her next strategy was, but +you know it was something cute and busy in a well-fitting uniform, and +calculated to shorten the conflict if Germany found it out. You know +that much. + +I remember at one time she was riding in parades when the boys would +march down to the station to go off and settle things in their own crude +way. I lost track of what she was taking up for a while, but I know +she kept on getting new uniforms till she must of had quite a time every +morning deciding what she was going to be that day, like the father of +the German Crown Prince. + +Finally, last spring, it got to be the simple uniform of a waitress. She +had figgered out that all the girls then taking the places of men waiters +would get called for nurses sooner or later; so why shouldn't prominent +society matrons like herself learn how to wait on table, so as to take +the girl waiters' places when they went across? Not exactly that; they +wouldn't keep on lugging trays forever in this emergency--only till they +could teach new girls the trade, when some new ones come along to take +the places of them that had met the call of duty. + +So Genievieve agitated and wrote letters from the heart out to about two +dozen society buds; and then she terrified the owner of the biggest hotel +in her home town till he agreed to let 'em come and wait on table every +day at lunch. + +Genevieve May's uniform of a poor working girl was a simple black dress, +with white apron, cuffs, and cap, the whole, as was right, not costing +over six or seven dollars, though her string of matched pearls that cost +two hundred thousand sort of raised the average. The other society buds +was arrayed similar and looked like so many waitresses. Not in a hotel, +mebbe, but in one of these musical shows where no money has been +spared. + +The lady had a glorious two days ordering these girls round as head +waiter and seeing that everybody got a good square look at her, and so +on. But the other girls got tired the second day. It was jolly and all +tips went to the Red Cross, and the tips was big; but it was just as hard +work as if they had really been poor working girls, with not enough +recreation about it. So the third day they rebelled at the head waiter +and made Genevieve herself jump in and carry out trays full of dishes +that had served their purpose. + +This annoyed Genevieve May very much. It not only upset discipline but +made the arms and back ache. So she now went into the kitchen to show the +cook how to cook in a more saving manner. Her intentions were beautiful; +but the head cook was a sensitive foreigner, and fifteen minutes after +she went into his kitchen he had to be arrested for threatening to harm +the well-known society matron with a common meat saw. + +The new one they got in his place next day let her mess round all she +wanted to, knowing his job depended on it, though it was told that he got +a heartless devil-may-care look in his eyes the minute he saw her making +a cheap fish sauce. But he said nothing. + +That hotel does a big business, but it fell off surprising the day after +this, twenty-three people having been took bad with poison from something +they'd et there at lunch. True, none of these got as fur as the coroner, +so it never was known exactly what they'd took in; but the thing made a +lot of talk at stricken bedsides and Genevieve spent a dull day denying +that her cooking had done this outrage. Then, her dignity being much +hurt, she wrote a letter to the papers saying this hotel man was giving +his guests cheap canned goods that had done the trick. + +Next morning this brought the hotel man and one of the best lawyers +in the state of Washington up to the palatial Popper residence, making +threats after they got in that no lady taking up war activities should be +obliged to listen to. She got rattled, I guess, or had been dreaming or +something. She told the hotel man and lawyer to Ssh! Ssh!--because that +new cook had put ground glass in the lemon pie and she had a right to +lull his suspicions with this letter to the papers, because she was +connected with the Secret Service Department. She would now go back to +the hotel and detect this spy committing sabotage on the mashed potatoes, +or something, and arrest him--just like that! I don't know whatever put +the idea into her head. I believe she had tried to join the Secret +Service Department till she found they didn't have uniforms. + +Anyway, this hotel man, like the cowardly dog he was, went straight off +to some low sneak in the district attorney's office; and he went like a +snake in the grass and found out it wasn't so; and a real officer come +down on Genevieve May to know what she meant by impersonating a Secret +Service agent. This brutal thug talked in a cold but rough way, and I +know perfectly well this minute that he wasn't among those invited to +the Popper costume ball of the Allied nations. He threw a fine scare into +Genevieve May. For about a week she didn't know but she'd be railroaded +to Walla Walla. She wore mere civilian creations and acted like a +slacker. + +But finally she saw the Government was going to live and let live; so she +took up something new. It was still On to Berlin! with Genevieve May. + +She wasn't quite up to pulling anything new in her home town; so she went +into the outlying districts to teach her grandmother something. I didn't +think up the term for it. That was thought up by G.H. Stultz who is her +son-in-law and president of the Red Gap Canning Factory. This here new +war activity she'd took up consisted of going rough to different places +and teaching housewives how to practice economy in putting up preserves, +and so on. + +It ain't on record that she ever taught one single woman anything +about economy, their hard-won knowledge beginning about where hers left +off--which wasn't fur from where it started; but she did bring a lot of +wholesome pleasure into their simple, hard-working lives. + +In this new war activity it wasn't so much how you canned a thing as +what you canned. Genevieve May showed 'em how to make mincemeat out of +tomatoes and beets; how to make marmalade out of turnips and orange peel; +how to make preserves out of apple peelings and carrots; and guava jelly +out of mushmelon rinds, or some such thing. She'd go into towns and rent +a storeroom and put up her canning outfit, hiring a couple of the lower +classes to do the actual work, and invite women to bring in their truck +of this kind and learn regular old rock-bottom economy. They'd come, with +their stuff that should of been fattening shotes, and Genevieve May would +lecture on how to can it. It looked through the glass like sure-enough +human food. + +Then, after she'd got 'em all taught, she'd say wouldn't it be nice +of these ladies to let her sell all this canned stuff and give the +proceeds to the different war charities! And there wasn't a woman that +didn't consent readily, having tasted it in the cooking. Not a one of +'em wanted to take home these delicacies. It was right noble or cautious, +or something. And after visiting six or eight of these communities +Genevieve May had quite a stock of these magic delicacies on sale in +different stores and was looking forward to putting the war firmly on +its feet--only she couldn't get many reports of sales from this stock. + +Then she got a dandy idea. She would come to the Kulanche County +Fair at Red Gap, assemble all her stock there, give one of these +here demonstrations in economic canning, and auction off the whole +lot with a glad hurrah. She thought mebbe, with her influence, she +might get Secretary Baker, or someone like that, to come out and do +the auctioning--all under the auspices of Mrs. Genevieve May Popper, +whose tireless efforts had done so much to teach the dear old Fatherland +its lesson, and so on. She now had about three hundred jars and bottles +of this stuff after her summer's work, and it looked important. + +I got down to the county fair myself last year, having some sure-fire +blue-ribbon stock there, and it was then that I hear G.H. Stultz talking +about this here mother-in-law of his, he taking me aside at their home +one night, so his wife, Lucille, wouldn't hear. + +"This respected lady is trying to teach her grandmother how to suck +eggs--no more, no less," he says. "Now she's coming here to pull +something off. You watch her--that's all I ask. Everything that woman +touches goes funny. Look how she poisoned those innocent people up at +that hotel. And I'll bet this canned stuff she's going to sell off will +kill even mere tasters. If she only hadn't come to my town! That woman +don't seem to realize that I'm cursed with a German name and have to be +miles above suspicion. + +"Suppose she sells off this stuff! I give you my word she puts things in +it that even a professional canning factory wouldn't dare to. And suppose +it poisons off a lot of our best patriots! Do you think a mob will be +very long blaming me for a hand in it? Why, it'll have me, in no time at +all, reaching my feet down for something solid that has been carefully +removed." + +I tried to cheer the man up, but he was scared stiff. + +"Mark my words," he says. "She'll pull a bloomer! If that woman could go +into an innocent hotel kitchen, where every care is taken to keep things +right, and poison off twenty-three people till they picked at the covers +and had relatives wondering what might be in their safe-deposit boxes, +think what she'd do in the great unsanitary outside, where she can use +her imagination! + +"There's but one salvation for me; I must have trusted agents in the +crowd when that stuff is auctioned off, and they got to collar every last +bottle of it, no matter what the cost. I have to lay down like a pup +on the next bond drive, but this is my only hope. For the Lord's sake, +don't you go there and start bidding things up, no matter who she gets +for auctioneer! Don't you bid--even if Woodrow Wilson himself comes +out." + +That's the impression Genevieve May had made on her own daughter's +husband, who is a clear-seeing man and a good citizen. And it looked +like he must secretly buy up her output. She not only come to town with +her canning outfit and her summer's stock of strange preserves, all +beauteous in their jars, but she brought with her to auction off this +stuff a regular French flying man with an honourable record. + +She'd met this French officer in the city and entertained him at the +palatial Popper home; and mebbe she'd hypnotized him. He wasn't in good +shape, anyway. First place, he'd been fighting in the air for three +years and had been wounded in five places--including the Balkans. Then, +like that wasn't enough for one man, he'd been sent over here to teach +our men to fly when they got a machine; and over here he'd fell out of a +cloud one day when his brake or something went wrong, and this had give +him a nice pleasant vacation on crutches. + +Genevieve had fastened on him at a time when he probably hadn't the +steely resistance Frenchmen been showing on the West Front. Or, being in +a strange country, mebbe he didn't know when politeness to Genevieve May +Popper would become mere cowardice. Anyway, he could talk English well +enough; and Genevieve May brought him to town and made a big hit. + +First thing she done was to set up her stock of canned goods in a +section they give her in Horticultural Hall. Them three hundred bottles +took up a lot of room and showed up grand between the fancy-work section, +consisting of embroideries, sofa cushions, and silk patch quilts, and the +art section, consisting of hand paintings of interesting objects by +bright pupils in the public school. Then she put in her canning outfit, +with a couple of hired natives to do the work while she lectured on the +science of it and tried to get weak-minded patriots to taste things. + +Genevieve May had a good time at these demonstrations, speaking in tones +of oratory and persuasion and encouraging the tasters to take a chance. +She certainly had discovered some entirely new flavours that the best +chemists hadn't stumbled on. She was proud of this, but a heap prouder +of her French flying man. When she wasn't thinking up new infamies with +rutabagas and watermelon rinds, she'd be showing him off to the fair +crowds. She give the impression when she paraded him that the French Army +would of had few flyers if she hadn't stepped into the breach. + +And mebbe she wasn't desperate with fear that some of the Red Gap society +buds and matrons would want to stick in with nursing and attentions for +the interesting invalid! Nothing like that with Genevieve May! She kept +closer guard on that man than he would of got in the worst German prison +camp. About the only other person in town she'd trust him to was Cousin +Egbert Floud. + +Cousin Egbert liked the Frenchman a lot at first, and rode him round town +to see the canning factory and the new waterworks and the Chamber of +Commerce, and Price's Addition to Red Gap, and so on. Also, he'd drag him +all over the fair grounds to look at prize bulls and windmills and patent +silos. + +Cousin Egbert had refused from the first to taste any of Genevieve May's +deviltry with the vegetable kingdom. He swore he was on a diet and the +doctor wouldn't answer for his life if he even tasted anything outside. +He was telling me that last day of the fair that the woman ought to be +arrested for carrying on so, Genevieve May being now busy with some +highly artificial ketchup made of carrots, and something else +unimportant, with pure vegetable dyes. + +"Yes; and she just tried to hand me that same old stuff about what her +Japanese maid calls her," he says to me at this time. "She says I could +never guess what that funny little mite calls her. And I says no, I never +could of guessed it if she hadn't already told me; but I says I know it +is Madam Peach Blossom, and that Jap maid sure is one funny little mite, +thinking up a thing like that, the Japanese being a serious race and +not given to saying laughable things." + +That's Cousin Egbert all over. He ain't a bit like one of them courters +of the old French courts that you read about in the Famous Crimes of +History. + +"Madam Peach Blossom!" he says, snickering bitterly. "Say, ain't them +Japs got a great sense of humour! I bet what she meant was Madam Lemon +Blossom!" + +Anyway, Genevieve May trusted her flying man to this here brutal cynic +when she wouldn't of trusted him to any of the younger, dancing set. +And Cousin Egbert pretty near made him late for his great engagement to +auction off the strange preserves. It was on this third day of the fair, +and Genevieve May was highly excited about it. + +She had her stock set up in tiers against the wall and looking right +imposing in the polished glass; and she had a box in front where the +Frenchman would stand when he did the auctioning. + +That hall was hot, let me tell you, with the high sun beating down on the +thin boards. I looked in a minute before the crowd come, and it looked +like them preserves had sure had a second cooking, standing there day +after day. + +And this Cousin Egbert, when he should of been leading the Frenchman back +to Horticultural Hall to the auction block, was dragging him elsewhere to +see a highly exciting sight. So he said. He was innocent enough. He +wanted to give that Frenchman a good time, he told me afterward. So he +tells him something is going to take place over at the race track that +will thrill him to the bone, and come on quick and hurry over! + +The Frenchman is still using one crutch and the crowd is already surging +in that direction; but after finding out it ain't any more silos or +windmills, he relies on Cousin Egbert that it really is exciting, and +they manage to get through the crowd, though it was excited even now +and stepped on him and pushed him a lot. + +Still he was game, all right. I've always said that. He was about as +excited as the crowd; and Cousin Egbert was, too, I guess, by the time +they had pushed up to the railing. I guess he was wondering what Wild +Western kind of deviltry he was going to see now. Cousin Egbert had told +him it wasn't a horse race; but he wouldn't tell him what it was, wishing +to keep it for a glad surprise when the Frenchman would see it with his +own eyes. + +"Just you wait one minute now!" says Cousin Egbert. "You wait one minute +and I bet you'll be glad you got through that rough crowd with me. You'd +go through ten crowds like that, crutch or no crutch, to see what's going +to be here." + +The poor man was kind of used up, but he stands there waiting for the +thrill, with Cousin Egbert beaming on him fondly, like a father that's +going in one minute to show the little tots what Santa Claus brought 'em +on the tree. + +Then the Frenchman hears a familiar roar and a airplane starts up from +the lower end of the field inside the track. + +"There!" says Cousin Egbert. "Now I guess you're glad you pushed in here, +leg or no leg. I knew it would be a dandy surprise for you. Yes, sir; the +committee got a regular airplane to give a thrilling flight right here +in front of us. You look up in the sky there and pretty soon you'll see +it just as plain, sailing round and round like some great bird; and they +say this man flying it is going to loop the loop twice in succession. Now +I bet you're glad you come!" + +Cousin Egbert says right at this minute he begun to take a dislike to +the Frenchman. After he'd took all that trouble to get him there to see +something exciting, the Frenchman just looked at him kind of sad for a +long time, and then says he believes he'd rather go back some place where +he can set down and rest his leg. + +Cousin Egbert says he turned out to be like the Frenchmen you read about +that is blasé about everything in the world and kind of tired of life, +not having the least bit of interest in whatever happens. But, of course, +he was polite to his guest and helped push a way back through the crowd, +with the crowd more excited than ever by this time, because the flying +machine was right up in the air, hundreds of feet off the ground. + +"You'll think I'm a liar," he says to me; "but it's the God's truth this +Frenchman just kept pushing through that crowd and didn't even turn to +look up in the air when this man was actually risking his life by looping +the loop twice in succession. He never turned his head the least bit." + +Cousin Egbert says, here he'd been up in one himself and knew what +flying meant, but he probably wouldn't of took the least notice if this +dare-devil had been killed right there before thousands. + +"I don't understand it," he says. "It sure wouldn't be the least +use boosting for a brighter and busier Red Gap if everybody was as +cold-blooded as the French." He was right grouchy about the French +after this. + +Anyway, he got his suffering man back to Horticultural Hall somewhat the +worse for being stepped on by the crowd; in fact, the Frenchman is kind +of all in when he gets to the auction block. He sets right down on it +looking white, and Genevieve May gets him a glass of water to revive him. +Pretty soon he says he's nearly as well as ever, but that wasn't much. + +Now the patriots for the auction begun to throng in and Genevieve May is +once more proud and fluttering. She glances fondly at her noble array of +jars, with these illegitimate preserves shining richly through, and she +gets the Frenchman on his feet and onto the box; and the crowd cheers +like mad and presses close. I was standing close to G.H. Stultz, and he +whispers to me: + +"My Lord! If there was only some means of getting that stock into the +German commissary! But I'm told they analyze everything. Anyway, I got my +bidders planted and I'll have to buy up the stock if it breaks me." + +Then the Frenchman begun to talk in a very nice way. He said a few words +about his country--how they had been fighting all these years, not +knowing whether they could win or not, but meaning to fight till there +wasn't any fighters left; and how grateful France was for the timely aid +of this great country and for the efforts of beautiful ladies like Madam +Popper, and so on. + +You bet no one laughed, even if he didn't talk such very good English. +They didn't even laugh when he said beautiful ladies like Madam Popper, +though Cousin Egbert, somewhere off in the crowd, made an undignified +sound which he pretended was coughing. + +The Frenchman then said he would now ask for bids for these beautiful +table delicacies, which were not only of rich food value but were more +priceless than gold and jewels because of having been imprisoned in the +crystal glass by the fair hands of the beautiful Madam Popper; and what +was he offered for six bottles of this unspeakable jelly? + +Of course G.H. Stultz would of had 'em in no time if the panic hadn't +saved him. Yes, sir; right then something terrible and unforeseen +happened to cause a frightful panic. About five of them jars of preserves +blew up with loud reports. Of course everyone's first thought was that a +German plot was on to lay Horticultural Hall in ruins with dynamite. It +sounded such. No one thought it was merely these strange preserves that +had been working overtime in that furnace. + +Women screamed and strong men made a dash for the door over prostrate +bodies. And then a lot more explosions took place. The firing became +general, as the reports say. Bottle after bottle shot its dread contents +into the fray, and many feeble persons was tromped on by the mob. + +It wasn't any joke for a minute. The big jars, mostly loaded with +preserves, went off with heavy reports; then there was these smaller +bottles, filled with artificial ketchup and corked. They went off like +a battery of light field guns, putting down a fierce barrage of ketchup +on one and all. It was a good demonstration of the real thing, all right. +I ain't never needed any one since that to tell me what war is. + +The crowd was two thirds out before any one realized just what kind of +frightfulness was going on. Then, amid shot and shell that would still +fly from time to time, the bravest, that hadn't been able to fight their +way out, stood by and picked up the wounded under fire and helped brush +their clothes off. The groans of the sufferers mingled with the hiss of +escaping ketchup. + +Genevieve May was in hysterics from the minute the first high-powered +gun was fired. She kept screaming for everyone to keep cool. And at +last, when they got some kind of order, she went into a perfectly new +fit because her Frenchman was missing. She kept it up till they found +the poor man. He was found, without his crutch, at the far end of the +hall, though no one has ever yet figgered how he could get there through +the frenzied mob. He was on a chair, weak and trembling, behind a fancy +quilt made by Grandma Watkins, containing over ten thousand pieces of +silk. He was greenish yellow in colour and his heart had gone wrong. + +That'll show you this bombardment wasn't any joke. The poor man had been +exhausted by Cousin Egbert's well-meant efforts to show him something +exciting, and he was now suffering from sure-enough shell shock, which +he'd had before in more official circumstances. + +He was a brave man; he'd fought like a tiger in the trenches, and had +later been shot down out of the air four times, and was covered with +wounds and medals and crosses; but this here enfilade at the fair hands +of the beautiful Madam Popper, coming in his weak state, had darn near +devastated what few nerves the war had left him. + +It was a sad moment. Genevieve May was again exploding, like her own +handiwork, which wasn't through itself yet by any means, because a +solitary shot would come now and then, like the main enemy had retreated +but was leaving rear guards and snipers. Also, people that had had +exhibits in the art section and the fancy-work section was now setting +up yells of rage over their treasures that had been desecrated by the +far-flung ketchup. + +But tender hands was leading the stricken Frenchman back of the lines to +a dressing station, and all was pretty near calm again, except for G.H. +Stultz, who was swearing--or words to that effect. + +It really took a good hour to restore perfect calm and figure up the +losses. They was severe. Of course I don't mean to say the whole three +hundred bottles of this ammunition dump had exploded. Some had been +put up only a short while and hadn't had time to go morbid; and even +some of the old stuff had remained staunch. + +The mincemeat shrapnel had proved fairly destructive, but the turnip +marmalade didn't seem to of developed much internal energy. All of them +jars of marmalade proved to be what they call "duds." But you bet enough +had gone up to make a good battle sketch. The ketchup, especial, was +venomous. + +I met G.H. Stultz as I left the trenches. He'd been caught in a +machine-gun nest of ketchup and had only wiped about half of it off +his face. He looked like a contagious disease. + +"Say, look here," he says; "you can't tell me there isn't a Providence +ever watching over this world to give some of us just what's coming to +us!" That was very silly, because I'd never told him anything of the +sort. + +Then I go out into No Man's Land and meet Cousin Egbert by a lemonade +stand. He was one radiant being. He asked me to have a glass of the +beverage, and I done so; and while I was sipping it he says brightly: + +"Wasn't that some gorgeous display of fireworks? And wasn't it fine to +stand there and watch them bottles laugh their heads off at this food +profiteer?" + +I said he ought to be right sorry for her--after all the work she'd done. + +"Not me!" he says firmly. "She never done any work in her life except to +boost her own social celebrity." + +Then he took another gulp of his lemonade and says, very bitter: + +"Madam Peach Blossom! I wonder what that funny little mite of hers will +say when she sees her to-night? Something laughable, I bet--like it would +be 'Madam Onion Blossom!'--or something comical, just to give her a good +laugh after her hard day." + +Such is Cousin Egbert, and ever will be. And Genevieve May, having took +up things all round the circle, is now back to the dance. + + + + +X + +AS TO HERMAN WAGNER + + +It had been a toilsome day for Ma Pettengill and me. Since sunup we +had ridden more than a score of mountain miles on horses that could +seldom exceed a crawl in pace. At dawn we had left the flatlands along +the little timbered river, climbed to the lava beds of the first mesa, +traversed a sad stretch of these where even the sage grew scant, and +come, by way of a winding defile that was soon a mounting cañon, into +big hills unending. + +Here for many hours we had laboured over furtive, tortuous trails, +aimless and lost, it might have seemed, but that ever and again we came +upon small bands of cattle moving one way. These showed that we had a +mission and knew, after all, what we were about. These cattle were +knowingly bent toward the valley and home. They went with much of a +businesslike air, stopping only at intervals to snatch at the sparse +short grass that grows about the roots of the sagebrush. They had come a +long journey from their grazing places, starting when the range went bad +and water holes dried, and now seemed glad indeed to give up the wild +free life of a short summer and become tended creatures again, where +strangely thoughtful humans would lavish cut grass upon them for certain +obscure but doubtless benevolent purposes of their own. + +It was our mission this day to have a look-see, mebbe as far as Horsefly +Mountain, and get a general idee of how many head was already coming down +to eat up the so-and-so shortest hay crop that had ever been stacked on +the Arrowhead since the dry winter of '98, when beef fell to two cents a +pound, with darned few takers at that. + +It was really a day of scenic delight, if one hadn't to reflect sorely +upon the exigencies of the beef-cattle profession, and at least one of +us was free of this thrall. + +What we reached at last were small mountains rather than big hills; +vast exclamatory remnants of shattered granite and limestone, thickly +timbered, reckless of line, sharp of peak. One minute cañon we viewed +from above was quite preposterous in its ambitions, having colour and +depth and riot of line in due proportions and quite worthy of the grand +scale. It wasn't a Grand Cañon, but at least it was a baby grand, and I +loitered on its brink until reminded sharply that I'd better pour leather +into that there skate if I wanted to make home that night. + +I devoutly did wish to make home that night, for the spot we were on was +barren of those little conveniences I am accustomed to. Moreover, the air +was keen and a hunger, all day in the building, called for strong meats. +So I not too reluctantly passed on from this scenic miniature of parlour +dimensions--and from the study of a curious boulder thereby which had +intrigued me not a little. + +Now we were home and relaxed by the Arrowhead fireside, after a moving +repast of baked young sage hens. The already superior dynamics of the +meal, moreover, had been appreciably heightened by a bottle of Uncle +Henry's homemade grape wine, which he warmly recommends for colds or +parties, or anything like that. It had proved to be a wine of almost +a too-recent _crû_. Ma Pettengill said that if Uncle Henry was aiming +to put it on the market in quantity production he had ought to name +it the Stingaree brand, because it was sure some stuff, making for +malevolence even to the lengths of matricide, if that's what killing +your mother is called. She said, even at a Polish wedding down across +the tracks of a big city, it would have the ambulances and patrol +wagons clanging up a good half hour quicker than usual. + +Be that as it may, or is, when I had expected sleep to steal swiftly +to the mending of the day's ravages I merely found myself wakeful and +wondering. This stuff of Uncle Henry's is an able ferment. I wondered +about a lot of things. And at the same time I wondered interminably about +that remarkable boulder at the side of the Tom Thumb Grand Cañon. I was +even wakeful enough and discursive enough--my hostess had taken but one +glass from the bottle--to wonder delightedly about all rocks and stones, +and geology, and that sort of thing. It was almost scientific, the way +I wondered, as I sat there idly toying with my half-filled glass. + +Take this particular boulder, for example. It had once been mere star +dust, hadn't it? Some time ago, I mean, or thereabouts. But it had been +star dust; and then, next thing it knew, it got to be a kind of cosmic +stew, such as leisurely foreigners patch out highways with, and looking +no more like a granite boulder than anything. + +Then something happened, like someone letting the furnace fire go out the +night of the big freeze; and this stuff I'm talking about grew cold and +discouraged, and quit flat, apparently not caring a hoot what shape it +would be found in years and years later, the result being that it was +found merely in the general shape of rocks or boulders--to use the more +scientific term--which is practically no shape at all, as you might say, +being quite any shape that happens, or the shape of rocks and boulders +as they may be seen on almost every hand by those of us who have learned +to see in the true sense of the word. + +I have had to be brief in this shorter science course on the earth's +history before the time of man, because more important matters claim my +attention and other speakers are waiting. The point is that this boulder +up there by the dwarf cañon had survived from unremembered chaos; had +been melted, stewed, baked, and chilled until it had no mind of its own +left; then bumped round by careless glaciers until it didn't care where +it came to rest; and at last, after a few hundred million years of stony +unconcern for its ultimate fate, here it had been drawn by the cunning +hand of man sprang into the complex mechanism of our industrial human +scramble. + +That is to say, this boulder I speak of, the size of a city hall, lying +there in noble neglect since long before wise old water animals were +warning their children that this here fool talk about how you could go up +out of the water and walk round on dry land would get folks into trouble, +because how could a body breathe up there when there wasn't any water to +breathe in? And the fools that tried it would soon find out; and serve +'em right! Well, I mean to say, this boulder that had lain inert and +indifferent while the ages wrought man from a thing of one cell--and not +much of a cell at that--bore across that face of it nearest the winding +trail, a lettered appeal, as from one man to another. The letters were +large and neatly done in white paint and the brushwork was recent. And +the letters said, with a good deal of pathos, it seemed to me: + +WAGNER'S SYLVAN GLEN, ONLY THIRTY-TWO MILES. HERMAN WAGNER, SOLE PROP. + +Let this teach us, one and all, this morning, that everything in Nature +has its use if we but search diligently. I mean, even big rocks like +this, which are too big to build homes or even courthouses of. May we +not, at least, paint things on them in plain letters with periods and +commas, and so on, and so give added impetus to whatever is happening +to us? + +But the evening wears on and the whipping mental urge of grape juice +meddled with by Uncle Henry wears off. And so, before it all ends, what +about Herman Wagner, Sole Prop. of Wagner's Sylvan Glen? + +I know it has been a hard day, but let us try to get the thing in order. +Why not begin cautiously with a series of whys? Why any particular sylvan +glen in a country where everything is continuously and overwhelmingly +sylvan and you can't heave a rock without hitting a glen? Really, you +can't walk fifty yards out there without stepping on a glen--or in a +glen; it doesn't matter. What I am earnestly trying to get at is, if this +Herman Wagner wanted to be sole prop. of a sylvan glen, why should he +have gone thirty-two miles farther for one? Why didn't he have it right +there? Why insanely push thirty-two miles on in a country where miles +mean something serious? Up-and-down miles, tilted horribly or standing +on edge! + +It didn't seem astute. And Herman achieved simply no persuasion whatever +with me by stocking in that "only." He could have put only all over the +rock and it would still have been thirty-two miles, wouldn't it? Only +indeed! You might think the man was saying "Only ten minutes' walk from +the post office"--or something with a real meaning like that. I claimed +then and I claim now that he should have omitted the only and come out +blunt with the truth. There are times in this world when the straight and +bitter truth is better without any word-lace. This Wagner person was a +sophist. So I said to him, now, as a man will at times: + +"All right, Herman, old top! But you'll have to think up something better +than only to put before those thirty-two miles. If you had said 'Only two +miles' it might have had its message for me. But thirty more than that! +Be reasonable! Why not pick out a good glen that parties can slip off to +for a quiet evening without breaking up a whole week? Frankly, I don't +understand you and your glen. But you can bet I'll find out about it!" + +So, right away, I said to Ma Pettengill, who by this time had a lot of +bills and papers and ledgers and stuff out on her desk, and was talking +hotly to all of them--I said to her that there was nearly half a bottle +of Uncle Henry's wine left, his rare old grape wine laid down well over a +month ago; so she had better toss off a foamy beaker of it--yes, it still +foamed--and answer me a few questions. + +It was then she said the things about that there wine being able to +inflate the casualty lists, even of Polish weddings, which are already +the highest known to the society page of our police-court records. She +said, further, that she had took just enough of the stuff at dinner to +make her think she wasn't entirely bankrupt, and she wanted to give +these here accounts a thorough going-over while the sensation lasted. + +Not wishing to hurt Uncle Henry's feelings, even if he didn't catch me at +it, I partook again of the fervent stuff, and fell into new wonder at the +seeming imbecility of Herman Wagner. I found myself not a little moved +by the pathos of him. It was little enough I could get from Ma Pettengill +at first. She spoke almost shortly to me when I asked her things she had +to stop adding silly figures to answer. + +What I found out was mostly my own work, putting two and two in their +fit relationship. Even the mention of Herman Wagner's full name brought +nothing about himself. I found it most annoying. I would say: "Come on, +now; what about this Herman Wagner that paints wheedling messages across +the face of Nature?" And to this fair, plain query I would merely have +more of the woman's endless help troubles. All that come looking for work +these days was stormy petrels, not caring if they worked or not--just +asking for it out of habit. + +Didn't she have a singing teacher, a painless dentist, a crayon-portrait +artist and a condemned murderer on her payroll this very minute, all +because the able-bodied punchers had gone over to see that nasty little +Belgium didn't ever again attack Germany in that ruthless way? She had +read that it cost between thirty and thirty-five thousand dollars to +wound a soldier in battle. Was that so? Well, she'd tell me that she +stood ready to wound any of these that was left behind for between +thirty and thirty-five cents, on easy payments. Wound 'em severely, +too! Not mere scratches. + +Presently again I would utter Herman Wagner, only to be told that these +dry cows she was letting go for sixty dollars--you come to cut 'em up for +beef and you'd have to grease the saw first. Or I heard what a scandal +it was that lambs actually brought five-fifty, and the Government at +Washington, D.C., setting back idly under the outrage! + +Then I heard, with perfect irrelevance to Herman Wagner, that she +wouldn't have a puncher on the place that owned his own horse. Because +why? Because he'd use him gentle all day and steal grain for him at +night. Also, that she had some kind of rheumatiz in her left shoulder; +but she'd rather be a Christian Scientist and fool herself than pay a +doctor to do the same. It may all have been true, but it was not +important; not germane to the issue, as we so often say in writing +editorials. + +It looked so much like a blank for Herman Wagner that I quit asking for +a time and let the woman toil at her foolish ruinous tasks. + +After half an hour of it she began to rumble a stanza of By Cool Siloam's +Shady Rill; so I chanced it again, remarking on the sign I had observed +that day. So she left her desk for a seat before the fire and said yes, +and they was other signs of Herman's hid off in the mountains where no +one but cows, that can't read a line, would see 'em. She also divulged +that Herman, himself, wasn't anything you'd want a bronze statue of to +put up in Courthouse Square. + +Well then, come on, now! What about him? No, sir; not by a darned sight! +With that there desk full of work, she simply could not stop to talk now. +She did. + +Is that the only sign of Herman's you saw? He's got others along them +trails. You'll see an arrow in white paint, pointing to his sylvan glen, +and warnings not to go to other glens till you've tried his. One says: +You've tried the rest; now try the best! Another says: Try Wagner's +Sylvan Glen for Boating, Bathing, and Fishing. Meals at all hours! And +he's got one that shows he studied American advertising as soon as he +landed in this country. It says: Wagner's Sylvan Glen--Not How Good, +But How Cheap! + +I don't know. I ain't made up my mind about Herman, even yet. If it +wasn't for why he had to leave Nevada and if I knew there could be more +than one kind of German, then I'd almost say Herman was the other kind. +But, of course, there can't be but one kind, and he showed the Prussian +strain fast enough in why he come up from Reno. Still and all, he's got +his engaging points as a pure imbecile or something. + +He don't tell me why he left Reno for a long time after he gets here; +not till I'd won his confidence by showing I was a German sympathizer. It +was when Sandy Sawtelle had a plan for a kind of grand war measure. His +grand war measure was to get some secret agents into Germany and kill off +all the women under fifty. He said if you done this the stock would die +out, because look at the game laws against killing does! He told this +to everybody. He told it to Herman; but Herman knew enough to remain +noncommittal 'bout it. He told it to me, and I saw right off it probably +couldn't be managed right; and, even if it could be, I said to Sandy, +it seemed to me somehow like it would be sort of inhuman. + +Herman heard me say this and got the idea I was a pacifist and a secret +friend of his country; so he confided to me the secret of why he left +Reno to keep from having his heart cut out by Manuel Romares. But no +matter! + +Anyway, last year in the spring this Herman dropped by, looking for +work. He hadn't been in America long, having stopped with his uncle in +Cincinnati a while, and then coming West on a life of adventure and to +take up a career. He said now he'd come up from Nevada, where he'd been +working on a sheep ranch, and he acted like he wanted to get into +something respectable and lead a decent life again. + +Well, it had got so I hired everything that come along; so why not +Herman? I grabbed at him. The boys heard he was a German alien and acted, +at first, like a bunch of hogs with a bear about; but I'd of hired old +Hinderburg himself if he'd offered and put him to doing something worth +while. + +This Herman was the first man ever worked here in side whiskers. He told +me, after I showed myself a German sympathizer, that in the beginning of +the war he'd wore one of them moustaches like the Kaiser puts up in tin +fasteners every night after he's said his prayers; but this had made him +an object of unpleasant remark, including missiles. So he had growed this +flowering border round it to take off the curse. + +They was beautiful shiny side whiskers and entirely innocent-looking. +In the right clothes Herman could of gone into any Sabbath school in the +land and said he was glad to see so many bright little faces there this +morning, and now what was to-day's golden text, and so on. That's what +he looked like. These things fell like portières each side of his face, +leaving his chin as naked as the day he was born. He didn't have any too +much under his mouth either; so I guess the whiskers was really a mercy +to his face. + +He admitted he didn't know too much about the cow business, but said +he was willing to learn; so I put him on the payroll. We found he was +willing to try anything that looked easy; for instance, like setting on +colts for the first time. The first morning he went to work it was rainy, +with the ground pretty wet, and he was out to the corral watching Sandy +Sawtelle break a colt. That's the best time to handle colts that has +never been set on. They start to act up and pour someone out of the +saddle; then they slip and slide, helpless, and get the idea a regler +demon of a rider is up there, and give in. So the boys give Herman a +fussy two-year-old, and Herman got away with it not so bad. + +Of course he was set off a few times, but not hard; and the colt, +slicking over this wet ground, must of thought another star rider had +come to town. Two days later, though, when the ground was dry, Herman +got on the same wild animal again, and it wasn't there when he come down +from his first trip aloft. It traded ends with him neatly and was off in +a corner saying. "Well, looks like that German ain't such a dandy rider +after all! I couldn't pull that old one with him yesterday, but I +certainly done it good to-day." + +I wasn't near enough to hear what Herman said when he picked himself up; +but I'm a good lip reader since I been going to these moving pictures, +and I'm way mistaken if he hadn't learned two or three good things in +English to call a horse at certain times. + +He walked for several days with trench feet, and his morale was low +indeed. He was just that simple. He'd try things that sane punchers +wouldn't go looking for, if sober; in fact, he was so simple you might +call him simple-minded and not get took up for malicious slander. + +So it come to where we seen he wasn't good for anything on this ranch but +chore boy. And naturally we needed a chore boy, like we needed everything +else. He could get up wood, and feed the pigs we was fattening, and milk +the three dairy cows, and make butter, and help in the kitchen. But as +for being a cow hand, he wasn't even the first joint on your little +finger. He was willing, but his Maker had stopped right at that point +with him. And he had a right happy time being chore boy. + +Of course the boys kidded him a lot after they found out he could +positively not be enraged by the foulest aspersions on the character of +the Kaiser and his oldest son. They seen he was just an innocent dreamer, +mooning round the place at his humble tasks. They spent a lot of good +time thinking up things for him. + +He'd brought a German shotgun with silver trimmings with him, which he +called a fowling piece, and he wanted to hunt in his few leisure moments; +so the boys told him all the kinds of game that run wild on the place. + +There was the cross-feathered snee, I remember, which was said by the +bird books to be really the same as the sidehill mooney. It has one leg +shorter than the other and can be captured by hand if driven to level +ground, where it falls over on its side in a foolish manner when it tries +to run. Herman looked forward to having one of these that he could stuff +and send to his uncle in Cincinnati, who wrote that he had never seen +such a bird. + +Also, he spent a lot of time down on the crick flat looking for a mu, +which is the same as a sneeze-duck, except for the parallel stripes. It +has but one foot webbed; so it swims in a circle and can be easy shot by +the sportsman, who first baits it with snuff that it will go miles to +get. Another wild beast they had him hunting was the filo, which is like +the ruffle snake, except that it has a thing like a table leg in its ear. +It gets up on a hill and peeks over at you, but will never come in to +lunch. The boys said they nearly had one over on Grizzly Peak one time, +but it swallowed its tail and become invisible to the human eye, though +they could still hear its low note of pleading. Also, they had Herman +looking for a mated couple of the spinach bug for which the Smithsonian +Institution had offered a reward of five hundred dollars, cash. + +Herman fell for it all--all this old stuff that I had kicked the slats +out of my trundle-bed laughing at. And in between exciting adventures +with his fowling piece he'd write himself some pieces of poetry in a +notebook, all about the cows and the clouds and other natural objects. He +would also recite poetry written by other Germans, if let. And at night +he'd play on a native instrument shaped like a potato, by blowing into +one cavity and stopping up other cavities to make the notes. It would be +slow music and make you think of the quiet old churchyard where your +troubles would be o'er; and why not get there as soon as possible? Sad +music! + +So Herman was looked on as a harmless imbecile by one and all till Eloise +Plummer come over to help in the kitchen while the haying crew was here +last summer. And Eloise looked on him as something else. She looked on +Herman as one of them that make it unsafe for girls to leave home. She +had good reason to. + +Eloise is in the prime of young womanhood; but this is just exactly as +fur as any fair-minded judge would go to say of her as a spectacle. Her +warmest adherents couldn't hardly get any warmer than that if put under +oath. She has a heart of gold undoubtedly, but a large and powerful face +that would belong rightly to the head director of a steel corporation +that's worked his way up from the bottom. + +It is not a face that has ever got Eloise pestered with odious attentions +from the men. Instead of making 'em smirk and act rough, but playful, it +made 'em think that life, after all, is more serious than most of us +suspect in our idle moments. It certainly is a face to make men think. +And inspiring this black mood in men had kind of reacted on Eloise till +they couldn't quite see what they was ever intended for. It was natural. + +I don't say the girl could of cooked all winter in a lumber camp and not +been insulted a time or two; but it wasn't fur from that with her. + +So you can imagine how bitter she was when this Herman nut tried to make +up to her. Herman was a whirlwind wooer; I'll say that for him. He told +her right off that she was beautiful as the morning star and tried to +kiss her hand. None of these foolish preliminaries for Herman, like +"Lovely weather we're having!" or "What's your favourite flower?" + +Eloise was quick-natured, too. She put him out of the kitchen with a coal +shovel, after which Herman told her through a crack of the door that she +was a Lorelei. + +Eloise, at first, misunderstood this term entirely, and wasn't much less +insulted when she found it meant one of these German hussies that hang +round creeks for no good purpose. Not that her attitude discouraged +Herman any; he played under her window that night, and also sang a rich +custard sort of tenor in his native tongue, till I had to threaten him +with the bastile to get any sleep myself. + +Next day he fetched her regal gifts, consisting of two polished +abalone shells, a picture of the Crown Prince in a brass frame, +and a polished-wood paper knife with Greetings from Reno! on it. + +Eloise was now like an enraged goddess or something; and if Herman hadn't +been a quick bender and light on his feet she wouldn't of missed him with +his gifts. As it was, he ducked in time and went out to the spring house +to write a poem on her beauty, which he later read to her in German +through a kitchen window that was raised. The window was screened; so he +read it all. Later he gets Sandy Sawtelle to tell her this poem is all +about how coy she is. Every once in a while you could get an idea partway +over on Herman. He was almost certain Eloise was coy. + +By the end of that second day, after Herman threw kisses to her for ten +minutes from on top of the woodshed, where he was safe, she telephoned +her brother to come over here quick, if he had the soul of a man in his +frame, and kill Herman like he would a mad dog. + +But Eloise left the next morning, without waiting for anything suitable +to be pulled off by her family. It was because, when she went to bed +that night, she found a letter from Herman pinned to her pillow. It had +a red heart on it, pierced by a dagger that was dropping red drops very +sentimentally; and it said would she not hasten to take her vast beauty +out in the moonlight, to walk with Herman under the quiet trees while +the nightingale warbled and the snee, or sidehill mooney, called to its +lovemate? And here, as they walked, they could plan their beautiful +future together. + +This was beyond Eloise even with a full battery of kitchen utensils at +hand. She left before breakfast; and Herman had to come in and wash +dishes. + +The next excitement was Herman committing suicide, out in the woodshed, +with a rope he'd took off a new packsaddle. Something interrupted him +after he got the noose adjusted and was ready to step off the chopping +block he stood on. I believe it was one more farewell note to the woman +that sent him to his grave. Only he got interested in it and put in a lot +more of his own poetry and run out of paper, and had to get more from the +house; and he must of forgot what he went to the woodshed for because an +hour after that he committed an entirely new suicide with his fowling +piece. + +Near as I could gather, he was all ready to pull the trigger, looking +down into this here frowning muzzle before a mirror; and then something +about his whiskers in the mirror must of caught his eye. Anyway, another +work of self-destruction was off. So he come in and helped with lunch. +Then he told me he'd like to take some time off, because he was going +up to the deep pool to drown himself. + +I said was he really bent on it? He said it was requisite, because away +from this beautiful lady, who had torn his heart out and danced on it, he +could not continue to live, even for one day. So I come down on Herman. I +told him that, hard up as I was for help, I positively would not have a +man on the place who was always knocking off work to kill himself. It et +into his time, and also it took the attention of others who longed to see +him do it. + +I said I might stand for a suicide or two--say, once a month, on a quiet +Sunday--but I couldn't stand this here German thoroughness that kept it +up continual. At least, if he hoped to keep on drawing pay from me, he'd +have to make way with himself in his own leisure moments and not on my +time. + +Herman says I don't know the depths of the human heart. I says I know +what I pay him a month, and that's all I'm needing to know in this +emergency. I thought, of course, he'd calm down and forget his nonsense; +but not so. He moped and mooned, and muttered German poetry to himself +for another day, without ever laying a violent hand on himself; but then +he come and said it was no good. He says, however, he will no longer +commit suicide at this place, where none have sympathy with him and many +jeer. Instead, he will take his fowling piece to some far place in the +great still mountains and there, at last, do the right thing by himself. + +I felt quite snubbed, but my patience was wore out; so I give Herman +the money that was coming to him, wished him every success in his +undertaking, and let him go. + +The boys scouted round quite a bit the next few days, listening for +the shot and hoping to come on what was left; but they soon forgot it. +Me? I knew one side of Herman by that time. I knew he would be the most +careful boy in every suicide he committed. If I'd been a life-insurance +company it wouldn't have counted against him so much as the coffee habit +or going without rubbers. + +And--sure enough--about two months later the dead one come to life. +Herman rollicked in one night with news that he had wandered far into +the hills till he found the fairest spot on earth; that quickly made +him forget his great sorrow. His fairest spot was a half section of +bad land a hopeful nester had took up back in the hills. It had a little +two-by-four lake on it and a grove of spruce round the lake; and Herman +had fell in love with it like with Eloise. + +He'd stay with the nester, who was half dead with lonesomeness, so that +even a German looked good to him, and wrote to his uncle in Cincinnati +for money to buy the place. And now I'd better hurry over and see it, +because it was Wagner's Sylvan Glen, with rowing, bathing, fishing, and +basket parties welcome. Yes, sir! It goes to show you can't judge a +German like you would a human. + +I laughed at first; but no one ever got to Herman that way. He was firm +and delighted. That Sylvan Glen was just the finest resort anywhere +round! Why, if it was within five miles of Cincinnati or Munich it would +be worth a million dollars! And so on. It done no good to tell him it was +not within five miles of these towns and never would be. And it done less +good to ask him where his customers was coming from, there not being a +soul nearer him than twenty miles, and then only scattered ranchers that +has got their own idea of a good time after the day's work is over, which +positively is not riding off to anybody's glen, no matter how sylvan. + +"The good people will come soon enough. You'll see!" says Herman. +"They soon find out the only place for miles round where they can get +a good pig's knuckle, or blood sausage and a glass Rhine wine--or maybe +beer--after a hard day's work. I got a fine boat on the lake--they can +row and push all round over the water; and I'm getting a house put up +with vines on it, like a fairy palace, and little tables outside! You +see! The people will come when they hear!" + +That was Herman. He never stopped to ask where they was coming from. He'd +make the place look like a Dutch beer garden and they'd just have to come +from somewhere, because what German ever saw a beer garden that didn't +have people coming to it? I reckoned up that Herman would have enough +custom to make the place pay, the quick rate our country is growing, in +about two hundred and forty-five or fifty years. + +So that's Wagner's Sylvan Glen you seen advertised. It's there all right; +and Herman is there, waiting for trade, with a card back of his little +bar that says, in big letters: Keep Smiling! I bet if you dropped in this +minute you'd find him in a black jacket and white apron, with a bill of +fare wrote in purple ink. He thinks people will soon drop in from twenty +miles off to get a cheese sandwich or a dill pickle, or something. + +Two of the boys was over this last June when he had his grand opening. +They was the only person there except a man from Surprise Valley that +was looking for stock and got lost. Buck Devine says the place looked +as swell as something you'd see round Chicago. + +Herman has a scow on the pond, and a dozen little green tables outside +under the spruce trees, with all the trees white-washed neatly round the +bottoms, and white-washed stones along the driveway, and a rustic gate +with Welcome to Wagner's Sylvan Glen! over it. And he's got some green +tubs with young spruces planted in 'em, standing under the big spruces, +and everything as neat as a pin. + +Everyone thinks he's plumb crazy now, even if they didn't when he said +Eloise Plummer was as beautiful as the morning star. But you can't tell. +He's getting money every month from his uncle in Cincinnati to improve +the place. He's sent the uncle a photo of it and it must look good back +in Cincinnati, where you can't see the surrounding country. + +Maybe Herman merely wants to lead a quiet life with the German poets, and +has thought up something to make the uncle come through. On the other +hand, mebbe he's a spy. Of course he's got a brain. He's either kidding +the uncle, or else Wagner's Sylvan Glen now covers a concrete gun +foundation. + +In either case he's due for harsh words some day--either from the uncle +when he finds there ain't any roadhouse patrons for twenty miles round, +or from the German War Office when they find out there ain't even +anything to shoot at. + +The lady paused; then remarked that, even at a church sociable, Uncle +Henry's idee of wine would probably make trouble to a police extent. Here +it had made her talkative long after bedtime, and she hadn't yet found +out just how few dollars stood between her and the poorhouse. + +I allowed her to sort papers for a moment. As she scanned them under +drawn brows beside a lamp that was dimming, she again rumbled into song. +She now sang: "What fierce diseases wait around to hurry mortals home!" +It is, musically, the crudest sort of thing. And it clashed with my mood; +for I now wished to know how Herman had revealed Prussian guile by his +manner of leaving Reno. Only after another verse of the hymn could I be +told. It seems worth setting down here: + +Well, Herman is working on a sheep ranch out of Reno, as I'm telling you, +and has trouble with a fellow outcast named Manuel Romares. Herman was +vague about what started the trouble, except that they didn't understand +each other's talk very well and one of 'em thought the other was making +fun of him. Anyway, it resulted in a brutal fist affray, greatly to +Herman's surprise. He had supposed that no man, Mexican or otherwise, +would dare to attack a German single-handed, because he would of heard +all about Germans being invincible, that nation having licked two +nations--Serbia and Belgium--at once. + +So, not suspecting any such cowardly attack, Herman was took unprepared +by Manuel Romares, who did a lot of things to him in the way of ruthless +devastation. Furthermore, Herman was clear-minded enough to see that +Manuel could do these things to him any time he wanted to. In that coarse +kind of fighting with the fists he was Herman's superior. So Herman +drawed off and planned a strategic coop. + +First thing he done was to make a peace offer, at which the trouble +should be discussed on a fair basis to both sides. Manuel not being one +to nurse a grudge after he'd licked a man in jig time, and being of a +sunny nature anyway, I judge, met him halfway. Then, at this peace +conference, Herman acted much unlike a German, if he was honest. He +said he had been all to blame in this disturbance and his conscience +hurt him; so he couldn't rest till he had paid Manuel an indemnity. + +Manuel is tickled and says what does Herman think of paying him? Herman +shows up his month's pay and says how would it suit Manuel if they go in +to Reno that night and spend every cent of this money in all the lovely +ways which could be thought up by a Mexican sheep herder that had just +come in from a six weeks' cross-country tour with two thousand of the +horrible animals. + +Manuel wanted to kiss Herman. Herman says he did cry large tears of +gladness. And they started for town. + +So they got to Reno, and did not proceed to the Public Library, or the +Metallurgical Institute, or the Historical Museum. They proceeded to the +Railroad Exchange Saloon, where they loitered and loitered and loitered +before the bar, at Herman's expense, telling how much they thought of +each other and eating of salt fish from time to time, which is intended +by the proprietor to make even sheep herders more thirsty than normal. + +Herman sipped only a little beer; but Manuel thought of many new +beverages that had heretofore been beyond his humble purse, and every +new one he took made him think of another new one. It was a grand moment +for Manuel--having anything he could think of set before him in this +beautiful café or saloon, crowded with other men who were also having +grand moments. + +After a while Herman says to Manuel to come outside, because he wants to +tell him something good he has thought of. So he leads him outside by an +arm and can hardly tell what he has to say because it's so funny he has +to laugh when he thinks of it. They go up an alley where they won't be +overheard, and Herman at last manages to keep his laughter down long +enough to tell it. It's a comical antic he wants Manuel to commit. + +Manuel don't get the idea, at first, but Herman laughs so hard that +at last Manuel thinks it's just got to be funny and pretty soon he's +laughing at it as hard as Herman is. + +So they go back to the saloon to do this funny thing, which is to be a +joke on the big crowd of men in there. Herman says he won't be able to +do it good himself, because he's got a bad cold and can't yell loud; but +Manuel's voice is getting better with every new drink. Manuel is just +busting with mirth, thinking of this good joke he's going to play on the +Americans. + +They have one more drink, Manuel taking peach brandy with honey, which +Herman says costs thirty cents; then he looks over the men standing there +and he yells good and loud: + +"To hell with the President! Hurrah for the Kaiser!" + +You know, when Herman told me that, I wondered right off if he hadn't +been educated in some school for German secret agents. Didn't it show +guile of their kind? I'll never be amazed if he does turn out to be a +spy that's simply went wrong on detail. + +Of course he was safe out of town long before Manuel limped from the +hospital looking for him with a knife. And yet Herman seemed so silly! +First thing when he got on the place he wanted to know where the engine +was that pumped the windmill. + +Furthermore, if you ask me, that there wine won't be made safe for +democracy until Uncle Henry has been years and years laid away to rest. + + + + +XI + +CURLS + + +Ma Pettengill, long morose, for months made hostile of mood by the +shortage of help, now bubbled with a strange vivacity. At her desk in the +Arrowhead living room she cheerfully sorted a jumble of befigured sheets +and proclaimed to one and all that the Arrowhead ranch was once more a +going concern. She'd thought it was gone, and here it was merely going. +She would no longer be compelled to stare ruin in the face till it +actually got embarrassed and had to look the other way. And it was the +swift doings of this here new foreman. He'd not only got us going again +but had put us on a military basis. And at that he was nothing but a poor +old wreck of a veteran from the trenches, aged all of twenty-one, shot to +pieces, gassed, shell-shocked, trench feeted and fevered, and darned bad +with nervous dyspepsia into the bargain. + +Thus described, the bargain seemed to me to be a poor one, for I had not +yet viewed this decrepit newcomer or been refreshed with tales of his +prowess. But Ma Pettengill knows men, and positively will not bubble +except under circumstances that justify it, so I considered the matter +worth a question or two. + +Very well then! What about this mere shattered bit of flotsam from the +world welter? How could so misused a remnant cope with the manifold cares +of the long-harried Arrowhead ranch? + +Why, he just plain coped, that was all. He might be mere shattered +flotsam, but you bet he was still some little coper, take her word for +that! Matter of fact, though, he didn't aim to hold the job for long. +Only until this here smarty of a medical officer, that turned him down +from going back to the trenches, was retired to private life again. +This here new foreman had to be on the ground when this puppet got +out of his uniform and so could be handled proper by the right party +without incurring twenty years in Leavenworth. At this brief meeting the +unfortunate man would be told politely that he had guessed wrong on the +foreman's physical condition, after which the same would be proved to +him then and there, leaving him to wish that he hadn't been so arrogant +telling parties they was unfit for further service and had better go +home and forget all about the war. Yes, sir; he'd be left himself with +something to forget that most likely he'd still be remembering vividly +when folks had got to wondering what them funny little buttons with +"Liberty Loan" on 'em could ever of been used for. + +Still, this palsied wreck was with us for a time and had started in that +very morning to carry on. He used but few words, but treated 'em rough if +they come looking for it. First, they was two I.W.W.'s down to the lower +field had struck for three-fifty a day, and had threatened to burn +someone's haystacks when it was coldly refused. So one had been took to +jail and one to the hospital the minute the flotsam slowed up with 'em. +It was a fair enough hospital case for both, but the one for jail could +still walk. + +Then two other new hands, two of these here demi-cowboys you have to put +up with, had kept the bunk house noisy every night with a bitter personal +quarrel including loud threats of mutual murder that never seemed to +get any further. So the flotsam, after drinking in some of their most +venomous eloquence, had lined 'em up and commanded 'em to git busy and +fight it out quick. And he had then licked 'em both in a quick and +exaggerated manner when they tried to keep on talking it out with him. + +It was a sharply etched impression over the ranch, now shared by its +owner, that this here invalid flotsam would take darned little nonsense +from any one. It was also the owner's own private impression that he had +been expelled from the war for rough behaviour on the field of battle and +not because of wounds or sickness. Most likely they'd told him the latter +because they was afraid to tell him the truth. But that was the real +truth; he was too scrappy and wouldn't let the war go on in peace and +quiet. + +Anyway, she and the Army was both satisfied, so let it go at that. +Mebbe after a few more arguments over there, when they'd made a +convinced pro-Ally out of Germany, she might get some more shell-wracked +jetsams like this one, that would step in without regard for the rules of +civilized warfare and make the life of a certain beef-cattle raiser just +one long dream of loveliness with pink rose leaves dreening down on her. +Mebbe so! + +I was charmed indeed to hear the gladsome note from one so long dismal. +So I told the woman that the longest war must have its end and that by +this time next year she would be refusing to hire good help at forty-five +dollars a month and found, in place of the seventy-five she was now +lavishing on indolent stragglers. + +She said in that happy case she might consent to adorn the cattle +business a few decades longer, but for her part she didn't believe wars +would end. If it wasn't this war it would be another one, because human +beings are undeniably human. As how? Well, I could take it this way. Say +one of these here inventors sets up nights for twenty years inventing a +gun that will shoot through a steel plate sixteen inches thick. All right +so far. But the next day another inventor invents a piece of steel +seventeen inches thick. And it had to begin all over--just a seesaw. From +where she set she couldn't see no end to it. Was she right; or wasn't +she? Of course! + +But now, further, about compelling little boys to wear long curls till +maturity, with the idee of blunting their finer instincts and making +hellions of 'em, so's to have some dandy shock troops for the next +war--well, she didn't know. Room for argument there. + +This seemed reasonable. I didn't know either. It was an entirely new +idee, come from nowhere. This was the very first moment I had supposed +there could be such an idee. But such is Ma Pettengill. I thought to +inquire as to the origin of this novelty; perhaps to have it more fully +set forth. But I had not to. Already I saw unrelenting continuance in the +woman's quickened eye. There would be, in fact, no stopping her now. So I +might as well leave a one-line space right here to avoid using the double +and single quotation marks, which are a nuisance to all concerned. I will +merely say that Ma Pettengill spoke in part as follows, and at no time +during the interview said modestly that she would prefer not to have her +name mentioned. + +Mind you, I don't say war's a good thing, even for them that come out of +it. Of course you can read stories about how good it is in improving the +character. I've read pretty ones in these here sentimental magazines +that get close to the great heart of the people once a month; stories +about how the town tough boy, that robs his gray-haired mother of her +wash money to play pool with, goes into war's purifying flames and comes +out a man, having rescued Marshal Fotch from a shell hole under fire and +got the thanks of the French nation and his home-town paper. Now he don't +hang round the pool parlour any more, running down fifteen balls from the +break, but shuns his low companions, never touches a cue again, marries +the mayor's daughter and becomes the regular Democratic candidate for +county recorder. + +These stories may be true. I don't know. Only these same magazines print +stories that have a brave fireman in the picture carrying a fainted girl +down his ladder through the flames, and if you believed them you'd also +believe they had to set a tenement house on fire every time a fireman +wants to get married. And that don't stand to reason. Mebbe the other +stories don't either. + +But what about the other side of these same stories? What about the +village good boy that goes through war's purifying flame and comes back +home to be the town tough? Ain't it time someone showed up the moral +ravages war commits on our best young men? + +Me? I just had a talk lately with a widowed mother down to Red Gap and +what this beastly war has done to her oldest boy--well, if she could of +looked ahead she would of let the world go right on being unsafe even for +Republicans. She poured her heart out to me. She is Mrs. Arline Plunkett, +one of the sweetest, gentlest mothers that ever guarded a son from every +evil influence. And then to see it all go whoosh! The son's name was +Shelley Plunkett, or it was until he went out into the world to make a +name for himself. He is now largely known as Bugs Plunkett. I leave it +to you if a nice mother would relish having her boy make that name for +himself. And after all the pains she'd took with his moral development +from the cradle up--till he run away from home on account of his curls! + +Arline had been left well-off by her husband, who was president of +the Drovers' Trust Company, and her home was about the most refined +home in Red Gap, having full bookcases and pictures of foreign Catholic +churches--though Arline is a Presbyterian--and metal statues of antique +persons, male and female, and many articles of adornment that can't be +had for the ordinary trading stamps. She lived, of course, only for her +two boys, Shelley and Keats. Keats being an infant didn't require much +living for, but Shelley was old enough to need a lot of it. + +He was eight years old when I first seen him, with long golden curls to +his shoulders and lace on his velvet pants. He came in when I was calling +on his ma and acted the perfect little gentleman. He was so quiet and +grown-up he made me feel right awkward. He had the face of a half-growed +angel framed in these yellow curls, and his manners was them of Sir +Galahad that he read stories about. He was very entertaining this day. +His mother had him show me a portrait of himself and curls that had been +printed in a magazine devoted to mothers and watermelon-rind pickles, and +so forth, and he also brought me the new book his pastor had presented +him with on his eighth birthday. + +It was a lovely bound book, having a story about a sheepman that had a +hundred head out on the range and lost one and left the other ninety-nine +unprotected from the coyotes and went out into the brush looking for the +lost one, which is about the brains of the average sheepman; but it was a +pretty book, and little Shelley told me prettily all about the story, and +showed me how his dear pastor had wrote in it for him. He had wrote: "To +Shelley Vane Plunkett, who to the distinction of his name unites a noble +and elevated nature." I wonder if Bugs Plunkett ever looks at that +writing now and blushes for his lost angel face? Anyway, I thought this +day that he was the loveliest, purest child in the world, with his +delicate beauty and sweet little voice and perfect manners, all set +off by the golden curls. + +A couple days later I was going through that same street and when I +turned a corner next to the Plunkett house, here was little Shelley +addressing a large red-faced man on the back of an ice wagon that had +stopped there. It was some shock to my first notions of the angel child. +I gathered with no trouble whatever that the party on the ice wagon had +so far forgot his own manners as to call little Shelley a sissy. It was a +good three-to-one bet he was now sorry he spoke. Little Shelley was using +language beyond his years and words that had never been taught him by his +lady mother. He handled them words like they was his slaves. Three or +four other parties stopped to listen without seeming to. I have heard +much in my time. I have even been forced to hear Jeff Tuttle pack a mule +that preferred not to be packed. And little Shelley was informing, even +to me. He never hesitated for a word and was quick and finished with the +syllables. + +The ice-wagon man was peeved, as he had a right to be, and may of been +going to talk back, but when he saw the rest of us getting Shelley he +yelled to the man in the front to drive on. It was too late, quick as +he went, to save the fair repute of himself and family, if Shelley's +words was to be took seriously. Shelley had invaded the most sacred +relationship and pretended to bare a hideous scandal. Also the iceman +himself couldn't possibly of done half the things Shelley hotly urged +him to do. + +Us people that had seemed to linger walked right on, not meeting each +other's eye, and Shelley again become the angel child, turning in at his +gate and walking up the path in a decorous manner with his schoolbooks +under his arm. I first wondered if I shouldn't go warn Arline that her +child had picked up some words that would get him nowhere at all with his +doting pastor. Little could the fond woman dream, when she tucked him in +after his prayers at night, that talk such as this could come from his +sweet young lips. How much mothers think they know of their sons and how +darned little they do know! But I decided to keep out of it, remembering +that no mother in the world's history had ever thanked a person for +anything but praise of her children. + +Still, I couldn't help but worry about Shelley's future, both here and +hereafter. But I talked to other people about it and learned that he was +already known as a public character to everyone but his own dear mother. +It was these here curls that got him attacked on every hand by young and +old, and his natural vigour of mind had built him up a line of repartee +that was downright blistering when he had time to stop and recite it all. +Even mule skinners would drive blocks out of their way just to hear +little Shelley's words when someone called him sissy or girl-boy. + +It seems Shelley never took any of these troubles to his mother, because +he was right manly and he regarded curls as a natural infirmity that +couldn't be helped and that his poor ma shouldn't be blamed for. He'd +always had curls, just as other unfortunates had been disfigured or +maimed from birth, so he'd took it as a cross the Lord had give him to +bear. And he was willing to bear it in silence if folks would just let +him alone. Otherwise, not. Oh, most surely not! + +I kind of kept watch on Shelley's mad career after that. It was mad most +of the time. He had already begun to fight as well as to use language, +and by the time he was ten he was a very nasty scrapper. And ready--it +soon got so that only boys new-come to town would taunt him about his +golden locks. And unless they was too much out of Shelley's class he made +believers of 'em swiftly. From ten to twelve he must of had at least one +good fight a day, what with the new ones and the old ones that still +couldn't believe a boy in velvet pants with curls on his shoulders could +really put it over on 'em. His mother believed his clothes was tore and +his face bunged up now and then in mere boyish sports, and begged him not +to engage in such rough games with his childish playmates. And Shelley, +the little man, let her talk on, still believing he was like little Paul +McNamara, that had a crooked foot. He wasn't going to shame his mother as +well as himself. + +I don't know just how Shelley ever got his big illumination that curls +was not a curse put on him by his Maker. But he certainly did get it when +he was round twelve. After two years of finish fights he suddenly found +out that curls is optional, or a boy's own fault, if not his mother's, +and that they may be cured by a simple and painless operation. He'd come +to the observing age. They say he'd stand in front of Henry Lehman's +barber shop every chance he'd get, watching the happy men getting their +hair cut. And he put two and two together. + +Then he went straight to his mother and told her all about his wonderful +and beautiful discovery. He was awful joyous about it. He said you only +had to go to Mr. Lehman's barber shop with thirty-five cents, and the +kind Mr. Lehman would cut the horrible things off and make him look like +other boys, so please let him have the thirty-five. + +Then Shelley got a great shock. It was that his mother wanted him to wear +them things to please her. She burst into tears and said the mere thought +of her darling being robbed of his crowning glory by that nasty old Henry +Lehman or any one else was breaking her heart, and how could he be so +cruel as to suggest it? + +The poor boy must of been quite a bit puzzled. Here was a way out of +something he had thought was incurable, and now his mother that loved him +burst into tears at the thought of it. So he put it out of his mind. He +couldn't hurt his mother, and if cutting off his disgrace was going to +hurt her he'd have to go on wearing it. + +Shelley was getting lanky now, with big joints and calf knees showing +below his velvet pants; and he was making great headway, I want to tell +you, in what seemed to be his chosen profession of pugilism. He took to +going out of his class, taking on boys two or three years older. I never +had the rare pleasure of seeing him in action, but it was mere lack of +enterprise on my part. Before he found out that curls could be relieved +by a barber he had merely took such fights as come to him. But now he +went out of his way looking for 'em, and would start the action himself. + +It got so that boys used to travel in bands--them that had criticized his +appearance so he'd hear it--but he'd lie in wait for stragglers that was +left behind by the convoy, and it would be the same old sad story. You +can know what it meant when I tell you that the last year Shelley went to +school they say he could come onto the playground with his long yellow +curls floating in the breeze, and not a word would be heard from the +fifty boys that might be there. + +And so it went till he was thirteen. One succession of fights and a +growing collection of words that would of give his fond pastor something +to think about. Of course word of the fights would get to Shelley's ma +from mothers whose little ones he had ravaged, but she just simply didn't +believe it. You know a woman can really not believe anything she don't +wish to. You couldn't tell that lady that her little boy with the angel +face and soft voice would attack another boy unless the other boy begun +it. And if the other boy did begin it it was because he envied Shelley +his glorious curls. Arline was certainly an expert in the male +psychology, as they call it. + +But at thirteen Shelley was losing a lot of the angel out of his face. +His life of battle had told on him, I guess. But he was still obedient +and carried the cross for his mother's sake. Poor thing! He'd formed the +habit of obedience and never once suspicioned that a woman had no right +to impose on him just because she was his mother. Shelley just took to +fighting a little quicker. He wouldn't wait for words always. Sometimes +mere looks of disgust would start him. + +Then, when he got to near fourteen, still with the beautiful curls, he +begun to get a lovely golden down on his face; and the face hadn't hardly +a trace of angel left in it. The horrible truth was that Shelley not only +needed a haircut but a shave. And one day, goaded by certain taunts, he +told his mother this in a suddenly bass voice. It must of startled +Arline, having this roar come out of her child when his little voice had +always been sweet and high. So she burst into some more tears and Shelley +asked her forgiveness, and pretty soon she was curling his hair again. I +guess he knew right then it was for the last time on earth, but nothing +warned the mother. + +These new taunts that had finally made a man of Shelley was no taunts +from boys, which he could handle easy, but the taunts of heedless girls, +who naturally loathed a boy with curls even more than male humans of any +age loathe him; and girls can be a lot tauntier when they start out to. +Well, Shelley couldn't lick girls, and he had reached an age when their +taunts cut into his hide like whiplashes, so he knew right well he had +to do something desperate. + +Then he went out and run away from the refining influences of his +beautiful home. He took to the hills and landed way up on the north +fork of the Kulanche where Liver-eating Johnson has a sheep ranch. +Liver-eating, who is an unsavory character himself, had once heard +Shelley address a small group of critics in front of the post office, +and had wanted to adopt him right there. He still cherished the fondest +memories of Shelley's flow of language, so he was tickled to death to +have him drop along and stop, seeing that though but a lad in years he +was a man and brother in speech, even if he did look like a brother that +had started out to be a sister and got mixed. + +Liver-eating took him in and fed him and cut his hair with a pair of +sheep shears. It was a more or less rough job, because shearing sheep +does not make a man a good human barber by any means. But Shelley +looked at his head in the glass and said it was the most beautiful +haircut in the world. Fussy people might criticize it here and there, +but they could never say it hadn't really been cut. + +He was so grateful to Liver-eating that he promised to stay with him +always and become a sheep herder. And he did hide out there several +months till his anguished mother found out where he was. After having +every pond dragged and every bit of woods searched for her boy's body +she had believed he'd been carried off by kidnappers on account of his +heavenly beauty, and she'd probably have to give ten thousand dollars +for his release. She was still looking for a letter from these fiends +when she learned about his being with Liver-eating Johnson and that +this wretch had committed sacrilege on him. + +It was a harsh blow to know that her pet had consorted with such a +person, who was not only a sheepman but had earned his nickname in a +way that our best people thought not nice. He'd gone home one day years +ago and found his favourite horse had been took by an Injun. Being a +simple-mannered man of few words, he just said that by sundown to-morrow +he would of et the liver of the Injun that done the stealing. I don't +know, personally, what happened, except that he did come back the next +night with his horse. Anyway no one ever begrudged him his title after +that. And here was Shelley Vane Plunkett, who had been carefully raised +on fruits and cereals, taking up with such a nauseous character as a +social equal. + +Arline had the sheriff out at once for her darling, but Shelley got word +and beat it farther. He finally got to Seattle, where he found various +jobs, and kept his mother guessing for three years. He was afraid she'd +make him start the curls again if he come home. But finally, when he was +eighteen, he did come, on her solemn promise to behave. But he was no +longer the angel-faced darling that had left, and he still expected at +least one fight a day, though no longer wearing what would cause fights. +He'd formed the habit and just couldn't leave off. A body could hardly +look at him without starting something unpleasant. He was round like a +barrel now, and tough and quick, and when anything did happen to be +started he was the one that finished it. Also, he'd have his hair cut +close every five or six days. He always looked like a prisoner that had +started to let it grow about a week before he left the institution. +Shelley was taking no chances, and he used to get a strange, glittering +look in his eye when he regarded little Keats, his baby brother, who was +now coming on with golden curls just as beautiful as Shelley's had ever +been. But he done nothing sinister. + +In time he might of settled down and become a useful citizen, but right +then the war broke out, so no more citizen stuff for Shelley. It was +almost too good to be true that he could go to a country where fighting +was legal; not only that, but they'd give him board and lodging and a +little spending money for doing the only thing he'd ever learned to do +well. It sure looked like heaven. So off he went to Canada and enlisted +and got sent across and had three years of perfect bliss, getting changed +over to our Army when we finally got unneutral so you could tell it. + +Of course his mother was almost more anguished about his going to war +than about having his curls fixed with the sheep shears. She said even +if he wasn't shot he would be sure to contract light habits in France, +consisting of native wine and dancing, and so forth, and she hoped at +least he could be a drummer boy or something safe. + +But Shelley never had a safe moment, I guess. No such thing as a quiet +sector where he was. He fought at the Front, and then he'd fight at +hospitals every time he got took back there for being shot up. He was +almost too scrappy even for that war. He was usually too busy to write, +but we got plenteous reports of his adventures from other men, these +adventures always going hard with whatever Germans got in his way. +And I bet his mother never dreamed that his being such a demon fighter +was all due to her keeping him in curls so long, where he got the habit +and come to love it for its own sake. + +Anyway, he fought and fought and had everything happen to him that German +science had discovered was useful to exterminate the lesser races, and it +finally begun to tell on him, hardened as he was by fighting from the +cradle up, as you might say. + +It was a glad day for Arline when she got word that he was a broken-down +invalid and had landed at an Atlantic Ocean port on his way home. She +got arrowroot gruel and jelly and medicinal delicacies and cushions, and +looked forward to a life of nursing. She hoped that in the years to come +she could coax the glow of health back to his wan cheeks. And I wouldn't +put it past her--mebbe she hoped she could get him to let the golden hair +grow again, just long enough to make him interesting as he lay coughing +on his couch. + +And Shelley come home, but his idee of being an invalid wasn't anything +like his mother's. He looked stout as a horse, and merely wished to rest +up for a couple weeks before getting some other kind of action suited to +his peculiar talents. And worse, he wasn't Shelley Vane Plunkett--he was +Bugs Plunkett; and his mother's heart broke again. He was shaved like a +convict and thicker through than ever, and full of rich outdoor words +about what he would do to this so-and-so medical officer for not letting +him back into the scrap. Yes, sir; that man is going to suffer casualties +right up to the limit the minute he gets out of his uniform--and him +thinking the world is at peace once more! Sure, Shelley had been shot +through the lungs a couple of times, and one leg had been considerably +altered from the original plan, but he had claimed he was a better +scrapper than ever before and had offered to prove it to this medical +officer right then and there if it could be done quiet. But this fair +offer had been rejected. + +So here he'd come back, not any kind of a first-class invalid that would +be nice to nurse, but as Bugs Plunkett! No sooner did he get to town than +letters and postal cards begun to come addressed to Mr. Bugs Plunkett or +mebbe B. Plunkett, Esquire; and the cards would be from his old pals in +the trenches, many of whom had worse names, even, than Shelley had made +for himself. + +Also the sick warrior turned down flat the arrowroot gruel and Irish-moss +custard and wine jelly and pale broth. He had to have the same coarse +food that is et by common working people who have had no home advantages, +including meat, which is an animal poison and corrupts the finer +instincts of man by reducing him to the level of the brutes. So Arline +Plunkett says. Shelley had it, though, ordering it in a bass voice that +made the statuary teeter. Steak was cooked in the Plunkett home for +the first time since it had been erected, notwithstanding the horrible +example it set to little Keats, who still had golden curls as lovely as +Shelley's once had been and was fed on fruits and nuts. + +Arline couldn't of had any pleasant time with her wandering boy them +three weeks he was there. She suffered intensely over the ignominy of +this mail that came to him by the awful name of Bugs, with the gossips +in the post office telling it everywhere, so that the boys round the +cigar store got to calling him Bugs right out plain. And her son seeming +proud of this degradation! + +And she couldn't get him to protect himself from drafts by night. +He'd insist on having a window wide open, and when she'd sneak back to +close it so he wouldn't catch his death of cold he'd get up and court +destruction by hoisting it again. And once when she'd crept in and shut +it a second time he threw two shoes through the upper and lower parts so +it would always be open. He claimed he done this in his sleep, having got +into the habit in the trenches when he'd come in from a long march and +someone would close all the windows. But Arline said that this only +showed that war had made him a rowdy, even in his sleep--and out of the +gentlest-mannered boy that ever wore velvet garments and had a cinch on +every prize in the Sunday school; though she did not use coarse words +like that. She told me herself it was time we got this other side of what +war did to gently nurtured youths that had never soiled their lips with +an oath in their lives until they went into war's hell. She said just +that! + +Also Shelley had contracted the vicious habit of smoking, which was all +a body would want to know about war. She said he'd have his breakfast in +bed, including whole slices of ham, which comes from the most loathsome +of all animals, and would then lie and smoke the Lord Byron five-cent +cigar, often burning holes in the covers, which he said was another old +trench habit--and that showed what war done to the untainted human soil. +Also while smoking in bed he would tell little Keats things no innocent +child should hear, about how fine it feels to deflate Germans with a good +bayonet. She had never esteemed Lord Byron as a poet, and these cigars, +she assures me, was perfectly dreadful in a refined home, where they +could be detected even in the basement. + +Little Keats was now thirteen, with big joints and calf knees showing +under the velvet pants, and I guess his curls was all that persuaded his +mother to live, what with Shelley having gone to the bad and made a name +for himself like Bugs. But little Keats had fell for his brother, and +spent all the time he could with him listening to unpretty stories of +Germans that had been fixed up proper the way the good Lord meant 'em +to be. + +After he'd been home a couple weeks or more Shelley begun to notice +little Keats more closely. He looked so much like Shelley had at that age +and had the same set-on manner in the house that Shelley got suspicious +he was leading the same double life he had once led himself. + +He asked his mother when she was going to take Keats to a barber, and his +mother burst into tears in the old familiar way, so he said no more to +her. But that afternoon he took little Keats out for a stroll and closely +watched his manner toward some boys they passed. They went on downtown +and Shelley stepped into the Owl cigar store to get a Lord Byron. When he +come out little Keats was just finishing up a remark to another boy. It +had the familiar ring to Shelley and was piquant and engaging even after +three years in the trenches, where talk is some free. Keats still had the +angel face, but had learned surprisingly of old English words. + +Then Shelley says to him: "Say, kid, do you like your curls?" And little +Keats says very warmly and almost shedding tears: "They're simply hell!" + +"I knew it," says Shelley. "Have many fights?" + +"Not so many as I used to," says Keats. + +"I knew that, too," says Shelley. "Now, then, you come right along with +me." + +So he marches Keats and curls down to Henry Lehman's and says: "Give this +poor kid a close haircut." + +And Henry Lehman won't do it. He says that Mrs. Plunkett, the time of +the scandal about Shelley, had warned every barber in town that she would +have the law on 'em if they ever harmed a hair on the head of a child of +hers; and he was a law-abiding citizen. He didn't deny that the boy +needed a haircut the worst way in the world, but at his time of life he +wasn't going to become an outlaw. + +Keats had nearly broke down at this. But Shelley says: "All right; come +on over to the other place." + +So they go over to Katterson Lee, the coloured barber, and Katterson +tells 'em the same story. He admits the boy needs a haircut till it +amounts to an outrage, but he's had his plain warning from Shelley's ma, +and he ain't going to get mixed up with no lawsuit in a town where he's +known to one and all as being respectable. + +Shelley then threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't cut that hair +off quick, and Katterson was right afraid of the returned soldier, that +had fixed so many Germans right, but he was more afraid of the law, so +he got down on his knees to Shelley and begged for his life. + +Little Keats was now blubbering, thinking he wasn't going to be shut of +his disgrace after all, but Shelley says: "All right, kid; I'll stand by +you. I'll do it myself. Get into that chair!" + +Of course Katterson couldn't prevent that, so Keats got sunny again and +climbed into the chair, and Shelley grabbed a pair of shears and made a +sure-nuff boy of him. He got the curls off all right, but when it come to +trimming up he found he couldn't do a smooth job, and Katterson wasn't +there to give him any hints, having run from his shop at the beginning of +the crime so he would have a good alibi when hauled into court. So +Shelley finally took up a pair of clippers, and having learned to clip +mules he soon had little Keats' whole scalp laid bare. It must of been a +glorious sight. They both gloated over it a long time. + +Then Keats says: "Now you come with me and we'll show it to mamma!" But +Shelley says: "Not me! I have to draw the line somewhere. I shall be far +away from here to-night. I am not afraid of enemy soldiers, for I've been +up against them too often. But there are worse things than death, so +you'll have to face mamma alone. You can tell her I did it, but I will +not be there to hear you. So good-bye and God help you!" And Shelley +retired to a position less exposed. + +That was an awful day for the Plunkett home, because little Keats, being +left to his own resources, tried to use his brain. First he gathered up +the long shining curls and wrapped 'em in a newspaper. Then he went +out and found Artie Bartell, who is a kind of a harmless halfwit that +just walks the streets and will do anything whatever if told, being +anxious to please. Keats gives Artie a dime to take the curls up to his +dear mother and tell her that her little boy has been run over by a +freight engine down to the station and these here curls was all that +could be saved of him. + +Then he hurries home the back way and watches, and pretty soon he sees +some neighbours come rushing to the house when they hear his mother +scream, so then he knows everything is all right. He waits a minute or +two, then marches in with his hat off. His mother actually don't know him +at first, on account of his naked skull, but she soon sees it must be he, +little Keats, and then has hysterics because she thinks the freight +engine has clipped him this way. And of course there was more hysterics +when she learned the terrible truth of his brother's infamy. I guess +Shelley had been wise all right to keep off the place at that time, +soldier or no soldier. But that's neither here nor there. + +The point is that little Keats may now be saved to a life of usefulness +and not be hanged for murder, thanks to his brother's brave action. Of +course Bugs himself is set in his ways, and will adorn only positions of +a certain kind. He's fine here, for instance, just at this time when I +got to hire all kinds that need a firm hand--and Bugs has two. + +Sure, it was him took the job of foreman here yesterday. We had quite a +little talk about things when he come. He told me how he released his +little brother from shame. He said he wouldn't of done such a radical +thing except that peace is now coming on and the world will no longer +need such fighting devils as curls will make of a boy if let to stay +long enough. + +"Keats might have turned out even worse than I did," he says, "but +if there wasn't going to be any way where he could do it legally, what +was the use? He'd probably sometime have killed a boy that called him +Goldilocks, and then the law might have made it unpleasant for him. I +thought it was only fair to give him a chance to live peaceful. Of course +in my own case mamma acted for the best without knowing it. We needed +fighters, and I wouldn't have been anything at all like a fighter if she +hadn't made me wear those curls till my whiskers began to show above the +surface. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was a born coward, but those golden +strands took all that out of me. I had to fight. + +"And see what it did for me in the Army. I don't want to talk about +myself, but I made a good average fighter and I would have been there +to the last if I'd had my rights. And I simply owe it all to my dear +mother. You might say she made me the man I am. I wouldn't ever have been +tough if she'd cut my hair humanely from six years on. I certainly hope +Keats hasn't gone too long. One of us in a family is enough." + +That's the way Bugs talks, and it sounds right sensible. What I say now +is, the idee had ought to be took up by the War Department at Washington, +D. C. Let 'em pass a law that one boy out of, say, twenty-five has +got to wear curls till his voice changes. By that time, going round in +this here scenic investiture, as you might say, he will be a demon. In +peace times it may add to our crimes of violence, but look what it will +be when another war comes. We'll have the finest line of shock troops +the world has ever produced, fit and anxious to fight, having led an +embittered existence long enough to make it permanent. No line would +ever stand against a charge of them devils. They would be a great +national asset and might save the country while we was getting ready +to begin to prepare a couple months after war was declared on us. + +Still I don't suppose it will be took up, and I ain't got time to go down +and preach it to Congress personally. + +And now let me tell you one thing: I'm going to sleep to-night without a +care on my mind for the first time in a year. This here Bugs unites to +the distinction of his name a quick and handy nature, and my busiest +troubles are over. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14348 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cbbbe54 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14348 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14348) diff --git a/old/14348-8.txt b/old/14348-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2072996 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14348-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10278 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Ma Pettengill, by Harry Leon Wilson + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Ma Pettengill + +Author: Harry Leon Wilson + +Release Date: December 13, 2004 [eBook #14348] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MA PETTENGILL*** + + +E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Project Gutenberg Beginners Projects, +Mary Meehan, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +MA PETTENGILL + +by + +HARRY LEON WILSON + +Author of _Bunker Bean_, _Ruggles of Red Gap_, _Somewhere in Red Gap_, +etc. + +1919 + + + + + + + +TO WILLIAM EUGENE LEWIS + + + + +CONTENTS + + I. MA PETTENGILL AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM + + II. A LOVE STORY + + III. RED GAP AND THE BIG-LEAGUE STUFF + + IV. VENDETTA + + V. ONE ARROWHEAD DAY + + VI. THE PORCH WREN + + VII. CHANGE OF VENUS + + VIII. CAN HAPPEN! + + IX. THE TAKER-UP + + X. AS TO HERMAN WAGNER + + XI. CURLS + + + + + +I + +MA PETTENGILL AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM + + +From the Arrowhead corrals I strolled up the poplar-bordered lane that +leads past the bunk house to the castle of the ranch's chatelaine. It +was a still Sunday afternoon--the placid interlude, on a day of rest, +between the chores of the morning and those of evening. But the calm was +for the ear alone. To the eye certain activities, silent but swift, were +under way. On the shaded side piazza of the ranch house I could discern +my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill; she sat erect, even in a +rocking-chair, and knitted. On the kitchen steps, full in the westering +sun, sat the Chinese chef of the Arrowhead, and knitted--a yellow, +smoothly running automaton. On a shaded bench by the spring house, a +plaid golfing cap pushed back from one-half the amazing area of his bare +pate, sat the aged chore-boy, Boogles, and knitted. The ranch was on a +war basis. + +And more: As I came abreast of the bunk house the Sabbath calm was +punctured by the tart and careless speech of Sandy Sawtelle, a top rider +of the Arrowhead, for he, too, was knitting, or had been. On a stool +outside the doorway he held up an unfinished thing before his grieved +eyes and devoutly wished it in the place of punishment of the wicked +dead. The sincere passion of his tones not only arrested my steps but +lured through the open doorway the languorous and yawning Buck Devine, +who hung over the worker with disrespectful attention. I joined the pair. +To Buck's query, voiced in a key of feigned mirth, Sandy said with simple +dignity that it was going to be a darned good sweater for the boys in the +trenches. Mr. Devine offered to bet his head that it wasn't going to be +anything at all--at least nothing any one would want round a trench. Mr. +Sawtelle ignored the wager and asked me if I knew how to do this here, +now, casting off. I did not. + +"I better sneak round and ask the Chink," said Sandy. "He's the star +knitter on the place." + +We walked on together, seemingly deaf to certain laboured pleasantries of +Mr. Devine concerning a red-headed cow-puncher that had got rejected for +fighting because his feet was flat and would now most likely get rejected +for knitting because his head was flat. By way of covering the hearty +laughter of Mr. Devine at his own wit I asked why Sandy should not +consult his employer rather than her cook. + +With his ball of brown wool, his needles and his work carried tenderly +before him Sandy explained, with some embarrassment as it seemed, that +the madam was a good knitter, all right, all right, but she was an awful +bitter-spoken lady when any little thing about the place didn't go just +right, making a mountain out of a mole hill, and crying over spilt milk, +and always coming back to the same old subject, and so forth, till you'd +think she couldn't talk about anything else, and had one foot in the +poorhouse, and couldn't take a joke, and all like that. I could believe +it or not, but that was the simple facts of the matter when all was said +and done. And the Chink was only too glad to show off how smart he was +with a pair of needles. + +This not only explained nothing but suggested that there might indeed be +something to explain. And it was Sandy's employer after all who resolved +his woolen difficulty. She called to him as he would have left me for the +path to the kitchen door: + +"You bring that right here!" + +It was the tone of one born to command, and once was enough. Sandy +brought it right there, though going rather too much like a martyr to +the stake, I thought; for surely it was not shameful that he should prove +inept in the new craft. + +Nor was there aught but genial kindness in the lady's reception of him. +Ma Pettengill, arrayed in Sabbath bravery of apparel, as of a debutante +at a summer hotel where the rates are exorbitant, instantly laid by her +own knitting and questioned him soothingly. It seemed to be a simple +difficulty. Sandy had reached the point where a sweater must have a neck, +and had forgotten his instructions. Cordially the woman aided him to +subtract fourteen from two hundred and sixty-two and then to ascertain +that one hundred and twenty-four would be precisely half of the +remainder. It was all being done, as I have remarked, with the gentlest +considering kindness, with no hint of that bitterness which the neophyte +had shown himself to be fearing in the lady. Was she not kindness itself? +Was she not, in truth, just a shade too kind? Surely there was a purr +to her voice, odd, unwonted; and surely her pupil already cringed under +a lash that impended. + +Yet this visible strain, it seemed, had not to do with knitted garments. +Ma Pettengill praised the knitting of Sandy; praised it to me and praised +it to him. Of course her remark that he seemed to be a born knitter and +ought to devote his whole time to it might have seemed invidious to a +sensitive cowman, yet it was uttered with flawless geniality. But when +Sandy, being set right, would have taken his work and retired, as was +plainly his eager wish, his mentor said she would knit two of the new +short rows herself, just to make sure. And while she knitted these two +rows she talked. She knitted them quickly, though the time must have +seemed to Sandy much longer than it was. + +"Here stands the greatest original humorist in Kulanche County," said +the lady, with no longer a purring note in her voice. She boomed the +announcement. Sandy, drooping above her, painfully wore the affectation +of counting each stitch of the flashing needles. "And practical jokes--my +sakes alive! He can think of the funniest jokes to put up on poor, +unsuspecting people! Yes, sir; got a genius for it. And witty! Of +course it ain't just what he says that's so funny--it's the noisy way +he says it. + +"And you wouldn't think it to look at him, but he's one of these here +financial magnets, too. Oh, yes, indeed! Send him out with a hatful of +ten-dollar bills any day and he won't let one of 'em go for a cent under +six dollars, not if buyers is plenty--he's just that keen and avaricious. +That's his way. Never trained for it, either; just took it up natural." + +With drawn and ashen face Mr. Sawtelle received back his knitting. His +pose was to appear vastly preoccupied and deaf to insult. He was still +counting stitches as he turned away and clattered down the steps. + +"Say!" called his employer. Sandy turned. + +"Yes, ma'am!" + +"You seen the party that stopped here this morning in that big, pompous +touring car?" + +"No, ma'am!" + +"They was after mules." + +"Yes, ma'am!" + +"They offered me five hundred dollars a span for mine." + +"No, ma'am--I mean, yes, ma'am!" + +"That's all. I thought you'd rejoice to know it." The lady turned to me +as if Mr. Sawtelle had left us. "Yes, sir; he'd make you die laughing +with some of his pranks, that madcap would. I tell you, when he begins +cutting up--" + +But Mr. Sawtelle was leaving us rapidly. His figure seemed to be drawn +in, as if he would appear smaller to us. Ma Pettengill seized her own +knitting once more, stared grimly at it, then stared grimly down at the +bunk house, within which her victim had vanished. A moment later she was +pouring tobacco from a cloth sack into a brown cigarette paper. She drew +the string of the sack--one end between her teeth--rolled the cigarette +with one swift motion and, as she waited the blaze of her match, remarked +that they had found a substitute for everything but the mule. The +cigarette lighted, she burned at least a third of its length in one vast +inhalation, which presently caused twin jets of smoke to issue from the +rather widely separated corners of a generous mouth. Upon which she +remarked that old Safety First Timmins was a game winner, about the +gamest winner she'd ever lost to. + +Three other mighty inhalations and the cigarette was done. Again she took +up the knitting, pausing for but one brief speech before the needles +began their shrewd play. This concerned the whale. She said the whale +was the noblest beast left to us in all the animal kingdom and would +vanish like the buffalo if treated as food. She said it was shameful to +reduce this majestic creature of the deep to the dimensions of a chafing +dish and a three-cornered slice of toast. Then she knitted. + +She had left numerous openings; some humorous emprise of Sandy Sawtelle, +presumably distressing; the gameness of one Timmins as a winner; the +whale as a food animal; the spectacular price of mules broken to harness. +Rather than choose blindly among them I spoke of my day's fishing. +Departing at sunrise I had come in with a bounteous burden of rainbow +trout, which I now said would prove no mean substitute for meat at the +evening meal. + +Then, as she grimly knitted, Ma Pettengill discoursed of other boasted +substitutes for meat, none of which pleased her. Hogs and sheep were +other substitutes, there being but one genuine meat, to wit, Beef. Take +hogs; mean, unsociable animals, each hog going off by himself, cursing +and swearing every step of the way. Had I ever seen a hog that thought +any other hog was good enough to associate with him? No, I hadn't; nor +nobody else. A good thing hogs couldn't know their present price. Stuck +up enough already! And sheep? Silly. No minds of their own. Let one die +and all the rest think they got to die also. Do it too. No brain. Of +course the price tempted a lot of moral defectives to raise 'em, but when +you reflected that you had to go afoot, with a dog that was smarter than +any man at it, and a flea-bitten burro for your mess wagon---not for her. +Give her a business where you could set on a horse. Yes, sir; people +would get back to Nature and raise beef after the world had been made +safe once more for a healthy appetite. This here craze for substitutes +would die out. You couldn't tell her there was any great future for the +canned jack-rabbit business, for instance--just a fad; and whales the +same. She knew and I knew that a whale was too big to eat. People +couldn't get any real feeling for it, and not a chance on earth to breed +'em up and improve the flesh. Wasn't that the truth? And these here diet +experts, with their everlasting talk about carbos and hydrates, were they +doing a thing but simply taking all the romance out of food? No, they +were not. Of course honest fish, like trout, were all right if a body +was sick or not hungry or something. + +Trout reminded her of something, and here again the baleful tooth of +calumny fleshed itself in the fair repute of one Timmins. She described +him as "a strange growth named Timmins, that has the Lazy 8 Ranch over +on the next creek and wears kind of aimless whiskers all over his face +till you'd think he had a gas mask on." She talked freely of him. + +"You know what he does when he wants a mess of trout? Takes one of +these old-fashioned beer bottles with patent stoppers, fills it up with +unslaked lime, pours in a little water, stops it up, drops it in a likely +looking trout pool, and in one minute it explodes as good as something +made by a Russian patriot; all the trout in the pool are knocked out +and float on the surface, where this old highbinder gathers 'em in. He's +a regular efficiency expert in sport. Take fall and spring, when the wild +geese come through, he'll soak grain in alcohol and put it out for 'em +over on the big marsh. First thing you know he'll have a drunken old +goose by the legs, all maudlin and helpless. Puts him in a coop till +he sobers up, then butchers him. + +"Such is Safety First: never been known to take a chance yet. Why, say, +a year ago when he sold off his wool there was a piece in the county +paper about him getting eighteen thousand dollars for it; so naturally +there was a man that said he was a well-known capitalist come up from +San Francisco to sell him some stock in a rubber company. Safety admits +he has the money and he goes down to the big city for a week at the +capitalist's expense, seeing the town's night life and the blue-print +maps and the engraved stock and samples of the rubber and the +capitalist's picture under a magnificent rubber tree in South America, +and he's lodged in a silk boudoir at the best hotel and wined and +dined very deleteriously and everything is agreed to. And the night +before he's going to put his eighteen thousand into this lovely rubber +stock that will net him two hundred per cent, at the very lowest, on the +capitalist's word of honour, what does he do but sneak out and take the +train for home on his return ticket that he'd made the capitalist buy +him. + +"Ever talk to one of these rich capitalists that has rubber stock for +sale in South America or a self-starting banana orchard? You know how +good they are. + +"You're certainly entitled to anything of your own that you've kept +after they get through with you. And would you think that this poor, +simple-minded old rancher would be any match for their wiles? But if +you knew he had been a match and had nicked 'em for at least three +hundred dollars, would you still think something malignant might be +put over on him by a mere scrub buckeroo named Sandy Sawtelle, that +never made a cent in his life except by the most degrading manual +labour? No, you wouldn't. No fair-minded judge of criminals would. + +"But I admit I had a weak moment. Yes, sir; for a brief spell I was all +too human. Or I guess what it was. I was all blinded up with immoral +designs, this here snake-blooded Timmins having put things over on me +in stock deals from time to time till I'd got to lying awake nights +thinking how I could make a believer of him. I wanted him to know there +is a God, even if it hadn't ever seemed so to him. + +"Of course I knew it would have to be some high-grade felony, he being +proof against common depredations. Well, then, along come this Sunday +paper, with two whole pages telling about how the meat of the common +whale will win the war, with a picture of a whale having dotted lines +showing how to butcher it, and recipes for whale patties, and so forth. +And next comes the circus to Red Gap, with old Pete, the Indian, going +down to it and getting crazy about elephants. And so that was how it +happened." + +The lady now knitted in silence, appearing to believe that all had been +told. + +I waited a decent interval, then said I was glad indeed to know how it +had all happened; that it was a great help to know how it had happened, +even if I must remain forever ignorant of what it was that had happened. +Of course I couldn't expect to be told that. + +It merely brought more about mules. Five hundred dollars a span for mules +looked good until you remembered that you needed 'em worse than the other +party did. She had to keep her twenty span of old reliables because, what +with the sailors and section hands you got nowadays to do your haying, +you had to have tame mules. Give 'em any other kind and they'd desert the +ship the minute a team started to run. It cost too much for wagon +repairs. + +Silence again. + +I now said I had, it was true, heard much low neighbourhood scandal about +the Timmins man, but that I had learned not to believe all I heard about +people; there was too much prejudice in the world, and at least two sides +to every question. + +This merely evoked the item that Timmins had bought him a thrift stamp +on the sole ground that it had such a pretty name; then came the wish +that she might have seen him dining in public at that rich hotel where +the capitalist paid the bills. + +She thought people must have been startled by some of his actions. + +"Yes, sir; that old outlaw will eat soup or any soft food with almost no +strategy at all." + +As we seemed to be getting nowhere I meanly rolled the lady a cigarette. +She hates to stop knitting to roll one, but she will stop to light it. + +She stopped now, and as I held the match for her I said quite frankly +that it had become necessary for me to be told the whole thing from start +to finish. She said she had told me everything--and believed it--but +would go over it again if I didn't understand. Though not always starting +at command, the lady has really a full habit of speech. + +I told you about whales, didn't I? Whales started it--whales for table +use. It come in the Sunday paper--with the picture of a handsome whale +and the picture of a French cook kissing his fingers over the way he has +cooked some of it; and the picture of a pleased young couple eating whale +in a swell restaurant; and the picture of a fair young bride in her +kitchenette cutting up three cents' worth of whale meat into a chafing +dish and saying how glad she was to have something tasty and cheap for +dearie's lunch; and the picture of a poor labouring man being told by +someone down in Washington, D.C., that's making a dollar a year, that +a nickel's worth of prime whale meat has more actual nourishment than a +dollar's worth of porterhouse steak; and so on, till you'd think the +world's food troubles was going to be settled in jig time; all people +had to do was to go out and get a good eating whale and salt down the +side meat and smoke the shoulders and grind up some sausage and be fixed +for the winter, with plenty to send a mess round to the neighbours now +and then. + +And knocking beef, you understand, till you'd think no one but criminals +and idiots would ever touch a real steak again, on account of its being +so poor in food values, like this Washington scientist says that gets a +dollar a year salary and earns every cent of it. It made me mad, the +slanderous things they said about beef; but I read the piece over pretty +carefully and I really couldn't see where the whale was going to put me +out of business, at least for a couple years yet. It looked like I'd have +time, anyway, to make a clean-up before you'd be able to go into any +butcher shop and get a rib roast of young whale for six cents, with a +bushel or two of scraps thrown in for the dog. + +Then this Sunday paper goes out to the bunk house and the boys find the +whale piece and get excited about it. Looks like if it's true that most +of 'em will be driving ice wagons or something for a living. They want +me to send down for a mess of whale meat so they can see if it tastes +like regular food. They don't hardly believe these pictures where people +dressed up like they had money are going into spasms of delight about it. +Still, they don't know--poor credulous dubs! They think things you see in +a Sunday paper might be true now and then, even if it is most always a +pack of lies thought up by dissipated newspaper men. + +I tell 'em they can send for a whole whale if they want to pay for it, +but none of my money goes that way so long as stall-fed beef retains its +present flavour; and furthermore I expect to be doing business right here +for years after the whale fad has died out--doing the best I can with +about ten silly cowhands taking the rest cure at my expense the minute I +step off the place. I said there was no doubt they should all be added to +the ranks of the unemployed that very minute--but due to other well-known +causes than the wiping out of the cattle industry by cold whale hash in +jelly, which happened to be the dish this French chef was going crazy +over. + +They chewed over that pointed information for a while, then they got to +making each other bets of a thousand dollars about what whale meat would +taste like; whether whale liver and bacon could be told from natural +liver and bacon, and whether whale steak would probably taste like +catfish or mebbe more like mud turtle. Sandy Sawtelle, who always knows +everything by divine right, like you might say, he says in superior tones +that it won't taste like either one but has a flavour all its own, which +even he can't describe, though it will be something like the meat of the +wild sea cow, which roams the ocean in vast herds off the coast of +Florida. + +Then they consider the question of a whale round-up in an expert manner. +It don't look none too good, going out on rodeo in water about three +miles too deep for wading, though the idea of lass'ing a whale calf and +branding it does hold a certain fascination. Sandy says it would be the +only livestock business on earth where you don't always have to be +fearing a dry season; and Buck Devine says that's so, and likewise +the range is practically unlimited, as any one can see from a good map, +and wouldn't it be fine riding herd in a steam yacht with a high-class +bartender handy, instead of on a so-and-so cayuse that was liable any +minute to trade ends and pour you out of the saddle on to your lame +shoulder. + +They'd got to kidding about it by this time, when who should ride up but +old Safety First Timmins. They spring the food whale on Safety with much +flourish. They show him the pictures and quote prices on the hoof--which +are low, but look what even a runt of a yearling whale that was calved +late in the fall would weigh on the scales!--and no worry about fences or +free range or winter feeding or water holes; nothing to do but ride round +on your private steamboat with a good orchestra, and a chance to be +dissolute and count your money. And look what a snap the pioneers will +have with all the mavericks; probably not a single whale in the ocean yet +branded! And does Timmins want to throw in with us? If he does mebbe they +can fix up a deal with me because I want a good business man at the head +of the new outfit. + +But Safety says right off quick that it's all a pack of nonsense. He says +it's the mad dream of a visionary or feeble-minded person. He don't deny +there would be money in whales if they could be handled, but you couldn't +handle anything that had the whole ocean to swim in that covers three +quarters of the earth's surface, as he has often read. And how would you +get a branding iron on a whale, and what good would it do you? He'd beat +it out for Europe. He said they was foolish to think whales would stay in +a herd, and he guessed I'd been talking just to hear myself talk, or more +likely I'd been kidding 'em to get a good laugh. + +Sandy says: "Well, I wasn't going to tell you at first, but I guess it'll +be safe with you, you being a good friend of the Arrowhead, only don't +let it go no farther; but the fact is the boss is negotiating for the +whale privilege in Great Salt Lake. Yes, sir, she's bribing the Utah +legislature this very minute to let the bill go through! And I guess that +don't look much like kidding. As soon as the governor has signed the bill +she'll put in a couple of good three-year-old bull whales and a nice +little herd of heifers and have the world's meat supply at her finger +ends in less than five years--just killing off the yearling steers." + +Safety looks a bit startled at this, and Sandy goes on to say that though +whale meat is now but a fad of the idle rich it's bound to be the meat of +rich and poor alike in future. He'd bet a thousand dollars to a dime that +by the time the next war come along the first thing they'd do would be to +establish a whaleless day. He said whale meat was just that good. + +Safety chewed his gum quite a time on this--he says if a man chews gum he +won't ruin himself in pocket for tobacco--and he read the whale article +over carefully and looked at the pictures again, but he still said it +didn't sound to him like a legitimate business enterprise. He said for +one thing there'd be trouble shipping the original herd up to Salt Lake. +Sandy said it was true; there would be the initial expense of loading on +to flat cars, and a couple of tunnels would have to be widened so the +bulls wouldn't be rasped going through, but that I have already taken +this up with the railroad company. + +Safety says that may all be true, but, mark his words, the minute my herd +gets into inland waters it will develop some kind of disease like anthrax +or blackleg, and the whole bunch will die on me. Sandy says it will be a +simple matter to vaccinate, because the animals will be as affectionate +as kittens by that time through having been kindly handled, which is all +a whale needs. He says they really got a very social nature and are loyal +unto death. Once a whale is your friend, he says, it's for life, rain or +shine, just so long as you treat him square. Even do a whale a favour +just once and he'll remember your face, make no difference if it's fifty +years; though being the same, it is true, in his hatreds, because a whale +never forgives an injury. A sailor he happens to know once give a whale +he had made friends with a chew of tobacco just for a joke and the animal +got into an awful rage and tried to tear the ship down to get at him, and +then he followed the ship all over the world waiting for this sailor to +fall off or get wrecked or something, till finally the hunted man got so +nervous he quit the sea and is now running a news stand in Seattle, if +Safety don't believe it. It just goes to show that a whale as long as +you're square with him is superior in mind and morals to a steer, which +ain't got sense enough to know friend from foe. + +Safety still shakes his head. He says "safe and sane" has been his motto +throughout a long and busy life and this here proposition don't sound +like neither one to him. The boys tell him he's missing a good thing by +not throwing in with us. They say I'm giving 'em each a big block of +stock, paid up and non-assessable, and they don't want him to come round +later when they're rolling in wealth and ask why they didn't give him a +chance too. + +"I can just hear you talk," said Sandy. "You'll be saying: 'I knew that +whole fool bunch when not one ever had a dollar he could call his own the +day after he was paid off, and now look at 'em--throwing their hundreds +of thousands right and left; houses with pianos in every room; new boots +every week; silver-mounted saddles at a thousand each; choice wines, +liquors, and cigars; private taxicabs; and Alexander J. Sawtelle, the +wealthy banker, being elected to Congress by an overwhelming majority!' +That's the way you'll be talking," said Sandy, "with regret eating into +your vitals like some horrible acid that is fatal to man and beast." + +Safety says he thinks they're all plumb crazy, and a fool and his money +is soon parted--this being a saying he must have learned at the age of +three and has never forgotten a word of--and he comes up to the house to +see me. Mebbe he wanted to find out if I had really lost my mind, but he +said nothing about whales. Just set round and talked the usual hard luck. +Been in the stock business thirty years and never had a good year yet. +Nothing left of his cattle but the running gear; and his land so poor you +couldn't even raise a row on it unless you went there mad; and why he +keeps on struggling in the bitter clutch of misfortune he don't know. But +I always know why he keeps on struggling. Money! Nothing but money. So +when he got through mourning over his ruined fortunes, and feebly said +something about taking some mules off my hands at a fair price, I shut +him off firmly. Whenever that old crook talks about taking anything off +your hands he's plotting as near highway robbery as they'll let him stay +out of jail for. He was sad when I refused two hundred and fifty dollars +a span for my best mules. + +He went off shaking his head like he hadn't expected such inhumanity from +an old friend and neighbour to one who through hard luck was now down and +out. + +Well, I hear no more about whales; but a circus is coming to Red Gap and +old Pete, the Indian, says he must go down to it, his mind being inflamed +by some incredible posters pasted over the blacksmith shop at Kulanche. +He says he's a very old man and can't be with us long, and when he does +take the one-way trail he wants to be able to tell his friends on the +other side all about the strange animals that they never had a chance to +see. The old pagan was so excited about it I let him go. And he was still +more excited when he got back two days later. Yes, sir; he'd found a way +to fortune. + +He said I'd sure think he was a liar with a crooked tongue and a false +heart, but they had an animal at that circus as big as our biggest +covered mess wagon and it would weigh as much as the six biggest steers I +ever shipped. It has a nose about five feet long--he was sure I wouldn't +believe this part--that it fed itself with, and it carried so much meat +that just one ham would keep a family like Pete's going all winter. He +said of course I would think he was a liar, but I could write down to Red +Gap to a lawyer, and the lawyer would get plenty of people to swear to it +right in the courthouse. And so now I must hurry up and stock the place +with these animals and have more meat than anybody in the world and get +rich pretty quick. Forty times he stretched his arms to show me how big +one of these hams would be, and he said the best part was that this +animal hardly ate anything at all but a little popcorn and a few peanuts. +Hadn't he watched it for hours? And if I didn't hurry others would get +the idea and run prices up. + +I guess Pete's commercial mind must of been engaged by hearing the boys +talk about whales. He hadn't held with the whale proposition, not for a +minute, after he learned they live in the ocean. He once had a good look +at the ocean and he promptly said "Too much water!" But here was a land +animal packing nearly as much meat as a whale, eating almost nothing, and +as tame as a puppy. "I think, 'Injun how you smart!'" he says when he got +through telling me all this in a very secret and important way. + +I told him he was very smart indeed and ought to have a job with the +Government at a dollar a year telling people to quit beef meat for the +elephant. I said I was much obliged for the tip and if I ever got to +going good in elephants I'd see he had a critter of his own to butcher +every fall. So Pete went out with all his excitement and told the boys +how I was going to stock the ranch with these new animals which was +better than whales because you wouldn't have to get your feet wet. The +boys made much of it right off. + +In no time at all they had all the white-faces sold off and vast herds of +pure-bred elephants roaming over the ranch with the Arrowhead brand on +'em. Down on the flat lands they had waving fields of popcorn and up +above here they had a thousand acres of ripening peanuts; and Sandy +Sawtelle, the king of the humourists, he hit on another idea that would +bring in fifty thousand dollars a year just on the side. He said if a +crowd come along to a ranch and bought the rancher's own hay for the sake +of feeding it to his own steers they would be thought weak-minded. Not so +with elephants. He said people would come from far and near and bring +their little ones to buy our own peanuts and popcorn to feed our own +elephants. All we needed to do was put the stuff up in sacks at a nickel +a throw. He said of course the novelty might die out in time, but if he +could only get the peanut-and-popcorn concession for the first three +years that would be all he'd want for his simple needs of living in a +swell marble house in Spokane, with a private saloon and hired help to +bring him his breakfast in bed and put on another record and minister +to his lightest whim. Buck Devine said he'd be able to throw his own good +money right and left if he could get the ivory privilege, which is made +from the horns of the elephant and is used for many useful purposes; and +one of the other boys says they'll develop a good milk strain and get a +dairy herd, because the milk of this noble animal ought to be fine for +prize fighters and piano movers. + +In about ten minutes they was doing quite a business for old Pete's +benefit, and Pete very earnest about it. He says I've promised him a +young animal to butcher every fall, and they tell him there ain't no meat +so good as a prime young popcorn-fed elephant, and he'll certainly live +high. And just then up rides old Safety First again. So they get silent +and mysterious all at once and warn Pete, so Safety will hear it, not to +say a word to any one. Pete looks secretive and hostile at the visitor +and goes back to his woodpile. Safety naturally says what fool thing have +they got into their heads now, and he supposes it's some more of that +whale nonsense. + +The boys clam up. They say this is nothing like whales, but a dry-land +proposition too important to talk about; that I've sworn everyone to +secrecy, but he'll see soon enough what it is when the big money begins +to roll in. They don't mind telling him it's an African proposition of +new and nourishing food, a regular godsend to the human race, but they +got to keep quiet until I get my options bought up so I'll have the +cream of the business. + +Safety sniffs in a baffled manner and tries to worm out a hint, but they +say it's a thing would go like wildfire once it got known, being so much +tastier than whale meat and easier to handle, and eating almost nothing. + +"Whales was pretty good," says Sandy; "but since the boss got a line on +this other animal she's disposed of her whale interests for seventy-three +thousand dollars." + +Buck Devine says I showed him the check, that come in yesterday's mail, +and let him hold it a minute so he could say he once held seventy-three +thousand dollars in his hand just like that. And the money was to be put +into this new business, with the boys being let in on the ground floor, +like they had been with the whales. Sandy says that in probably a year +from now, or eighteen months at the most, he won't be a thing but a +dissipated millionaire. Nothing but that! + +Safety is peculiar in his mind. If you told him you found a million gold +dollars up in the top of that jack pine he wouldn't believe it, yet still +and all he'd get a real thrill out of it. He certainly does cherish +money. The very notion of it is romantic to him. And he must of been +thrilled now. He hung round, listening keenly while the boys squandered +their vast wealth in various reprehensible ways, trying to get some idea +about the new animal. Finally he sniffed some more, and they was all +crazy as loons, and went off. But where does he go but over to old Pete +at the woodpile and keeps him from his work for ten minutes trying to get +the new animal's name out of Pete. But he can't trap the redman into any +admissions. All he can find out is that Pete is serious and excited. + +Then he come up to ask me once more if he couldn't take some mules off +my hands. He found out quick and short that he couldn't. Still he hung +round, talking nonsense as far as I could make out, because I hadn't +yet been let in on the new elephant proposition. He says he hears I'm +taking up a new line of stock, the same not being whales nor anything +that swims, and if it's more than I can swing by myself, why, he's a good +neighbour of long standing, and able in a pinch, mebbe, to scrape up a +few thousand dollars, or even more if it's a sure cinch, and how about +it, and from one old friend to another just what is this new line? + +Being busy I acted short. I said I was sticking to cattle in spite of the +infamous gossip against 'em, and all reports to the contrary was mere +society chatter. Still he acted like I was trying to fool him. He went +out saying if I changed my mind any time I was to let him know, and he'd +be over again soon to talk mules at least, if nothing else, and anything +he could do for me any time, just say the word, and try some of this gum, +and so forth. I was right puzzled by these here refined civilities of his +until Pete comes in and tells me how the boys have stocked the old ranch +with elephants and how Safety has tried to get him to tell the secret. I +tell Pete he's done right to keep still, and then I go down to the bunk +house and hear the whole thing. + +By this time they're shipping thousands of steer elephants at top prices; +they catch 'em up off soft feed and fatten 'em on popcorn and peanuts, +and every Thanksgiving they send a nice fat calf down to the White House, +for no one looks at turkey any more. Sandy is now telling what a snap it +will be to ride herd on elephants. + +"You pick out a big one," he says, "and you build a little cupalo up on +top of him and climb up into it by means of a ladder, and set there in +this little furnished room with a good book, and smoke and pass the time +away while your good old saddle elephant does the work. All you got to do +is lean out of the front window now and then and jab him in the forehead +with an ice pick, whichever way you want him to turn." + +I said trust a cow-puncher to think up some way where he'd have to do as +little work with his hands as he does with his head. But I admitted they +seemed to have landed on old Timmins for once, because he had tried to +get Pete to betray the secret and then come wheedling round to me about +it. I said I could talk more intelligently next time, and he would sure +come again because he had lavished two sticks of gum on me, which was an +incredible performance and could not have been done except for an evil +purpose. + +"Now say," says Sandy, "that does look like we got him believing. I was +going to kid him along about once more, then spring elephants on him, and +we'd all have a good laugh at the old wolf. But it looks to me like a +chance for better than a laugh; it looks to me like we might commit a +real crime against him." + +"He never carries anything on him," I says, "if you're meaning something +plain, like highway robbery." + +Sandy says he don't mean that; he means real Wall Street stuff, such as +one gentleman can pull on another and still keep loose; crooked, he says, +but not rough. I ask what is the idea, and Sandy says get him more and +more feverish about the vast returns from this secret enterprise. Then +we'll cut out a bunch of culls--thin stuff and runts and cripples--and +make him give about four times what they're worth on a promise to let him +into the new deal; tell him we must be rid of this stuff to make room for +the new animals, and naturally we'll favour our friends. + +"There, now!" says Sandy. "I should be in Wall Street this minute, being +able to think up a coop as pernicious as that: and I would of been there, +too, only I hate city life." + +"For once in the world's history," I says, "there may be a grain of +sense in your words. Only no cows in the deal. Even to defraud the old +crook I wouldn't let him have hide nor hair of a beef, not since he +worked on my feelings in the matter of them bull calves two years ago. +Mules, yes. But the cow is too worthy a beast to be mixed up in anything +sinful I put over on that profiteer. Now I'll tell you what," I says, +very businesslike: "you boys tole him along till he gets hectic enough to +take that bunch of mule runts down in the south field, and anything you +get over fifty dollars a head I'll split with you." + +Sandy hollers at this. He says this bunch ain't mules but rabbits, and +that I wouldn't refuse forty a head for 'em this minute. He says even a +man expecting to be let in on a sure-thing elephant ranch would know +something wicked was meant if asked to give even as much as fifty dollars +for these insects. I tell him all very true; but this is just the margin +for his lasting financial genius which he displays so little reticence +about that it'll get into the papers and make him a marked man from coast +to coast if he ain't careful. He says oh, all right, if I want to take it +that way, and he'll see what he can do. Mebbe he can get fifty-five a +head, which would not only give the boys a good laugh but provide a +little torch money. + +I left 'em plotting against a man that had never been touched by any plot +whatever. I resolved to remain kind of aloof from their nefarious doings. +It didn't seem quite dignified for one of my standing to be mixed up in a +deal so crooked--at least no more than necessary to get my share of the +pickings. + +Sure enough, the very next day here come the depraved old outcast +marauding round again at lunch time and et with the boys in the kitchen. +He found 'em full of suppressed excitement and secret speech and +careless talk about large sums of money. It must of been like sweetest +music to his ears. One says how much would it be safe to count on cutting +up the first year--how much in round numbers; and another would say that +in round numbers, what with the expense of getting started and figuring +everything down to the last cent, it wouldn't be safe to count on more +than a hundred thousand dollars; but, of course, for the second year, +now, why it would be nearer two hundred thousand in round numbers, even +figuring everything fine and making big allowance for shrinkage. After +that they handed money back and forth in round numbers till they got +sick of the sound of it. + +They said Safety set and listened in a trance, only waking up now and +then to see if he couldn't goad someone into revealing the name of this +new animal. But they always foiled him. Sandy Sawtelle drew an affecting +picture of himself being cut off by high living at the age of ninety, +leaving six or eight million dollars in round numbers and having his kin +folks squabble over his will till the lawyers got most of it. They said +Safety hardly et a morsel and had an evil glitter in his eyes. + +And after lunch he went out to the woodpile where old Pete was working +and offered him two bits in money to tell him the secret, and when old +Pete scorned him he raised it to four bits. I guess the idea of any one +refusing money merely for a little talk had never seemed possible to him. +He must of thought there was sure something in it. I was away that day, +but when I got back and heard about his hellish attempt to bribe old +Pete I told the boys they sure had the chance of a lifetime. I said if +there was a mite of financial prowess in the bunch they would start the +price on them runt mules at one hundred dollars flat, because it was +certain that Safety had struck the skids. + +Next day it looked better than ever. Safety not only appeared in the +afternoon but he brought me a quart jar of honey from his own bees. Any +one not having looked up his criminal record would little understand +what this meant. I pretended to be too busy to be startled at the gift, +which broke thirty years of complete inactivity in that line. I looked +worried and important with a litter of papers on my desk and seemed to +have no time to waste on callers. He mentioned mules once or twice with +no effect whatever, then says he hears I'm going into a new line that +seems like it might have a few dollars in it, and he hopes I won't lose +my all, because so many things nowadays look good till they're tried. +I was crafty. I said I might be going into a new line, then again it +might be nothing but idle talk and he better not believe everything he +hears. + +He took up the jar of honey and fondled it, with his face looking like +he was laying a loved one to rest, and said he wouldn't mind going into +something new himself if he could be sure it was sound, because the stock +business at present was a dog's life. He said the war was to be won by +food, and every patriot should either go across or come across, and he +was trying to stand by the flag and save all the food he could, but by +the way his help acted at mealtime you'd think they was a gang of German +spies. Watch 'em eat beans, he said, and you'd think they'd never heard +that beans had gone from three cents a pound to sixteen; but they had +heard it, because he'd told 'em so in plain English more than once. But +it had no effect. The way they dished into 'em you'd think we'd been +endowed with beans the same as with God's own sunlight. + +He said it was discouraging to a staunch patriot. Here was the President +trying to make democracy safe for the world, and he was now going to +stand by the Administration even if he had voted the Republican ticket +up to now; but three of his men had quit only yesterday and the war was +certainly lost if the labouring classes kept on making gods of their +stomachs that way. And as a matter of fact now, as between old friends +and neighbours, if I had something that looked good, why not keep it all +together just with us here in the valley, he, though a poor man, being +able to scrape up a few thousand dollars in round numbers for any +enterprise that was a cinch. + +And the old hound being worth a good half million dollars at that +instant! But I kept control of my face and looked still more worried +and important and said I might have to take in a good man, and then +again I might not. I couldn't tell till I got some odd lots of stock +cleaned up. Then I looked at some more documents and, like I was talking +unconsciously to myself, I muttered, though distinctly: "Now that there +bunch of runt mules--they'll have to go; but, of course, not for any mere +song." + +Then I studied some more documents in a masterful manner and forgot my +caller entirely till at last he pussyfooted out, having caught sight of +Sandy down by the corral. + +Pretty soon Sandy reports to me. He says Safety is hurt at my cold manner +to an old friend and neighbour that's always running in with a jar of +honey or some knickknack; and he had mentioned the runt mules, saying +he might be induced to consider 'em though I probably won't let 'em go +for any mere song, contemptible as they are. Sandy says he's right; that +it's got to be a whole opera with words and music for them mules. He says +I got a reason for acting firm about the price, the reason being that +this new line I'm going to embark in is such a sure thing that I want +only friends to come in, and I got to be convinced first that their heart +is in the right place. + +Safety says his heart is always getting the best of his head in stock +deals, but just how foolish will I expect an old and tried friend to seem +about these scrub mules that nobody in his right mind would touch at any +price. + +Sandy yawns like he was weary of it all and says a hundred dollars flat. +He said Safety just stood still and looked at him forever without batting +an eye, till he got rattled and said that mebbe ninety-five might be +considered. That's a trick with this old robber when a party's got +something to sell him. They tell their price and he just keeps still and +looks at 'em--not indignant nor astonished, not even interested, but +merely fishlike. Most people can't stand it long, it's that uncanny. +They get fussed and nervous, and weaken before he's said a single word. + +But it was certain now that the mystery was getting to Safety, because +otherwise he'd have laughed his head off at the mention of a hundred +dollars for these mules. Three months before he'd heard me himself offer +'em for forty a head. You see, when I bought bands of mules from time to +time I'd made the sellers throw in the little ones to go free with the +trade. I now had twenty-five or so, but it had begun to get to me that +mebbe those sellers hadn't been so easy as I thought at the time. They +was knotty-headed little runts that I'd never bothered to handle. + +Last spring I had the boys chink up the cracks in the corral and put each +one of the cunning little mites into the chute and roach it so as to put +a bow in its neck; then I put the bunch on good green feed where they +would fatten and shed off; but it was wasted effort. They looked so much +like field mice I was afraid that cats would make a mistake. After they +got fat the biggest one looked as if he'd weigh close up to seven hundred +and fifty. It was when they had begun to buy mules too; that is to say, +mules! But no such luck as a new West Pointer coming to inspect these; +nothing but wise old cavalry captains that when they put an eye on the +bunch would grin friendly at me and hesitate only long enough to put some +water in the radiator. I bet there never was a bunch of three-year-old +mules that stood so much condemning. + +After offering 'em for forty a head one time to a party and having him +answer very simply by asking how the road was on beyond and which turn +did he take, I quit bothering. After that when buyers come along I told +the truth and said I didn't have any mules. I had to keep my real ones, +and it wasn't worth while showing those submules. And this was the bunch +Sandy had told S.F. Timmins he could take away for a hundred a head--or +even ninety-five. And Safety hadn't laughed! + +And would you have wondered when he sifts in a couple days later and +makes me a cold offer of sixty dollars a head for this choice livestock? +Yes, sir! He says "Live and let live" is his motto, and he wants to prove +that I have wronged him in the past if I ever had the faintest suspicion +that he wasn't the ideal party to have in on a deal that was going to net +everyone concerned a handsome fortune. He says the fact is money goes +through his fingers like water if you come right down to it; and sixty or +even sixty-five if I want to push him to extremes, because he's the last +man on God's green earth to let five dollars split up old neighbours +that ought to be hand and glove in any new deal that come up. + +It like to of keeled me over, but I recovered and become busier than ever +and got out my bank book and begun to figure over that. I said Sandy +Sawtelle had the handling of this particular bunch of my assets and +I couldn't be bothered by it. + +So he mooches down to the barn till Sandy come in with Buck Devine. +They was chattering about three hundred thousand dollars in round numbers +when they got near enough for him to overhear their private conversation. +They wondered why they had wasted so much of their lives in the cattle +business, but now them old hard-working days was over, or soon would be, +with nothing to do but travel round in Pullman palace cars and see +America first, and go to movies, and so forth. Safety wished to haggle +some about the mules, but Sandy says he's already stated the price in +clear, ringing tones, and he has no time to waste, being that I must +send him down that night to get an order on the wire for two carloads +of the Little Giant peanut. Safety just blinked at this, not even asking +why the peanuts; and the boys left him cold. + +When I told 'em about the offer to me of sixty or a possible sixty-five, +they at once done a medicine dance. + +"This here will be the richest coop ever pulled off west of Cheyenne," +says Buck; and Sandy says he guesses anybody not blind can now see that +well-known street in New York he ought to have his office on. He says +he hopes Safety don't fall too easy, because he wants more chance to +work it up. + +But Sandy is doomed to disappointment. Safety holds off only two days +more. Two days he loafs round at mealtimes, listening to their rich +converse and saying he'd like to know who's a better friend of this +outfit than he's been for twenty years. The boys tell him if he's such +a good friend to go ahead and prove it with a little barter that would +be sure to touch my heart. And the first day Safety offers seventy-five +a head for these here jack rabbits, which they calmly ignore and go on +talking about Liberty Bonds being a good safe investment; and the second +day he just cries like a child that he'll pay eighty-five and trust to +their honour that he's to have in on this new sure-thing deal. + +That seemed enough, so they all shook hands with the spendthrift and +slapped him on the back in good fellowship, and said they knew all the +time he had a heart of gold and they feel free to say now that once the +money has passed he won't be let to go off the place till he has heard +all about the new enterprise and let in on the ground floor, and they +hope he won't ever forget this moment when the money begins to roll in +fit to smother him in round numbers. So Safety says he knows they're a +good square set of boys, as clean as a hound's tooth, and he'll be over +to-morrow to take over the stock and hear the interesting details. + +The boys set up late that night figuring their share of the burglary. +There was twenty-five of these ground squirrels. I was to get my fifty a +head, at least ten of which was illegitimate. Then for the thirty-five, +which was the real robbery, I was to take half, and eight of the boys the +other half. I begun to wonder that night just what could be done to us +under the criminal law. It looked like three years in some good jail +wouldn't be a bit too harsh. + +Next day bright and early here comes frugal Safety, gangling along behind +his whiskers and bringing one of his ill-fed hirelings to help drive the +stuff back. Safety is rubbing his hands and acting very sprightly, with +an air of false good fellowship. It almost seems like he was afraid they +had thought better of the trade and might try to crawl out. He wants it +over quick. They all go down and help him drive his purchase out of the +lower field, where they been hiding in the tall grass, and in no time +at all have the bunch headed down the lane on to the county road, with +Safety's man keeping well up to protect 'em from the coyotes. + +Next there's kind of a solemn moment when the check is being made out. +Safety performs that serious operation down at the bunk house. Making out +any check is always the great adventure with him. He writes it with his +heart's blood, and not being the greatest scholar in the world he has to +count the letters in his name after it's written--he knows there ought to +be nine together--and then he has to wipe the ink off his hands and sigh +dismally and say if this thing keeps up he'll be spending his old age at +the poor farm, and so forth. It all went according to schedule, except +that he seemed strangely eager and under a severe nervous strain. + +Me? I'd been, sort of hanging round on the edge of events while the +dastardly deed was being committed, not seeming to be responsible in any +way. My Lord! I still wanted to be able to face the bereaved man as an +honest woman and tell him it was only some nonsense of the boys for which +I could not be held under the law, no matter how good a lawyer he'd get. +When they come trooping out of the bunk house I was pretending to consult +Abner, the blacksmith, about some mower parts. And right off I was struck +by the fact that Safety seemed to be his old self again; his air of false +gayety and nervous strain had left him and he was cold and silent and +deadly, like the poisonous cobra of India. + +But now they was going to spring the new secret enterprise on him, so I +moved off toward the house a bit, not wanting to be too near when his +screams begun. It did seem kind of shameful, taking advantage of the +old miser's grasping habits; still, I remembered a few neat things he'd +done to me and I didn't slink too far into the background. Safety was +standing by his horse with the boys all gathered close round him, and I +heard Sandy say "Elephants--nothing but elephants--that's the new idea!" + +Then they all begun to talk at once, jabbering about the peanuts and +popcorn that crowds of people will come to buy from us to feed back to +our stock, and how there's more meat in an elephant than in six steers, +and about how the punchers will be riding round in these little cupalos +up on top of their big saddle elephants; and they kept getting swifter +and more excited in their talk, till at last they just naturally exploded +when they made sure Safety got the idea and would know he'd been made a +fool of. They had a grand time; threw their hats in the air and danced +round their victim and punched each other, and their yells and hearty +laughter could of been heard for miles up and down the creek. Two or +three had guns they let off to add to the gleeful noise. Oh, it was +deuces wild for about three minutes. They nearly died laughing. + +Then the whole thing kind of died a strange and painful death. Safety +wasn't taking on one bit like a man that's been stung. He stood there +cold and malignant and listened to the noise and didn't bat an eye till +he just naturally quelled the disorder. It got as still as a church, and +then Safety talked a little in a calm voice. + +"Elephants?" says he, kind of amused. "Why, elephants ain't no good stock +proposition because it takes 'em so long to mature! Elephants is often a +hundred and twenty years old. You'd have to feed one at least forty years +to get him fit to ship. I really am surprised at you boys, going into a +proposition like that without looking up the details. It certainly ain't +anything for my money. Why, you couldn't even veal an elephant till he +was about fifteen years old, which would need at least six thousand +dollars' worth of peanuts; and what kind of a stock business is that, I'd +like to know. And even if they could rustle their own feed, what kind of +a business is it where you could only ship once in a lifetime? You boys +make me tired, going hell-bent into an enterprise where you'd all be dead +and forgotten before the first turnover of your stock." + +He now looked at 'em in a sad, rebuking manner. It was like an icy blast +from Greenland the way he took it. + +Two or three tried to start the big laugh again, but their yips was +feeble and died quickly out. They just stood there foolish. Even Sandy +Sawtelle couldn't think of anything bright to say. + +Safety now climbs on his horse, strangely cheerful, and says; "Well, I'll +have to be getting along with them new mules of mine." Then he kind of +giggled at the crowd and says: "I certainly got the laugh on this outfit, +starting a business where this here old Methusalem hisself could hardly +get it going good before death cut him off!" + +And away he rides, chuckling like it was an awful joke on us. Not a +single scream of agony about what had been done to him with them stunted +mules. + +Of course that was all I needed to know. One deadly chill of fear took me +from head to foot. I knew perfectly well our trench was mined and the +fuse lighted. Up comes this chucklehead of a Sawtelle, and for once in +his life he's puzzled. + +"Well," he says, "you got to give old S.F. credit for one thing. Did you +see the way he tried to switch the laugh over on to us, and me with his +trusty check right here in my hand? I never would have thought it, but +he is certainly one awful good game loser!" + +"Game loser nothing!" I says. "He's just a game winner. Any time you see +that old boy acting game he's won. And he's won now, no matter how much +the known facts look against it. I don't know how, but he's won." + +They all begin to tell me I must be mistaken, because look at the price +we got for stuff we hadn't been able to sell at any price before. I says +I am looking at that, but I'm also obliged to look at Safety after he's +paid that price, and the laws of Nature certainly ain't been suspended +all at once. I offer to bet 'em what they've made on the deal that Safety +has run true to form. "Mark my words," I says, "this is one sad day for +the Arrowhead! I don't know how or why, but we'll soon find out; and if +you don't believe me, now's the time to double your money." + +But they hung off on that. They got too much respect for my judgment. And +they admitted that Safety's way of standing the gaff had been downright +uncanny. So there was nothing to do but pay over their share of this +tainted money and wait for the blow, eight hundred and seventy-five +dollars being the amount I split with 'em for their masterly headwork +in the depredation. + +That very day in the mail comes a letter that has been delayed because +this here Government of ours pinches a penny even worse than old Timmins +does. Yes, sir; this letter had been mailed at Seattle with a two-cent +stamp the day after the Government had boosted the price to three cents. +And what does the Government do? Does it say: "Oh, send it along! Why +pinch pennies?" Not at all. It takes a printed card and a printed +envelope and the time of a clerk and an R.F.D. mail carrier to send me +word that I must forward one cent if I want this letter--spends at least +two cents to get one cent. Well, it takes two days for that notice to +reach me; and of course I let it lie round a couple of days, thinking +it's probably an advertisement; and then two days for my one-cent stamp +to go back to this parsimonious postmaster; and two days for the letter +to get here; making about eight days, during which things had happened +that I should of known about. Yes, sir; it's a great Government that will +worry over one cent and then meet one of these smooth profiteers and +loosen up on a million dollars like a cowhand with three months' pay +hitting a wet town. Of course it was all over when I read this letter. + + * * * * * + +I rolled another cigarette for the injured woman it being no time for +words. + +"It just goes to show," she observed after the first relishing draft, +"that we should be honest, even with defectives like old Timmins. This +man in Seattle that keeps track of prices for me writes that the top of +the mule market has blown sky-high; that if I got anything looking at all +like a mule not to let it go off the place for less than two hundred +dollars, because mule buyers is sure desperate. Safety must of got the +same tip, only you can bet his correspondent put the full three cents +on the letter. Safety would never have trusted a strange postmaster with +the excess. Anyway he sold that bunch of rabbits a week later for one +hundred and seventy-five a head, thus adding twenty-two hundred and fifty +dollars of my money to his tainted fortune. You can imagine the pins and +needles he'd been on for a week, scared I'd get the tip and knowing if he +even mentioned them runts at any price whatever that I'd be wise at once. +That joke of the boys must of seemed heaven-sent to him. + +"You ought to heard the lecture I read them fool punchers on common +honesty and how the biter is always bit. I scared 'em good; there hasn't +been an elephant on the place since that day. They're a chastened lot, +all right. I was chastened myself. I admit it. I don't hardly believe +I'll ever attempt anything crooked on old Safety again---and yet, I don't +know." + +The lady viciously expelled the last smoke from her cigarette and again +took up the knitting. + +"I don't really know but if there was some wanton, duplicity come up that +I could handle myself and not have to leave to that pack of amateur +thieves out in the bunk house, and it was dead sure and I didn't risk +doing more than two years' penal servitude--yes, I really don't know. +Even now mebbe all ain't over between us." + + + + +II + +A LOVE STORY + +I had for some time been noting a slight theatrical tinge to the +periodical literature supported by the big table in the Arrowhead living +room. Chiefly the table's burden is composed of trade journals of the +sober quality of the _Stockbreeder's Gazette_ or _Mine, Quarry & Derrick_ +or the "Farmer's Almanac." But if, for example, one really tired of a +vivacious column headed "Chats on Fertilizers" one could, by shuffling +the litter, come upon a less sordid magazine frankly abandoned to the +interests of the screen drama. + +The one I best recall has limned upon its cover in acceptable flesh tints +a fair young face of flawless beauty framed in a mass of curling golden +ringlets. The dewy eyes, shaded to mystery by lashes of uncommon length, +flash a wistful appeal that is faintly belied by the half-smiling lips +and the dimpling chin. The contours are delicate yet firm; a face of +haunting appeal--a face in which tears can be seldom but the sprightly +rain of April, and the smile, when it melts the sensitive lips, will yet +warn that hearts are made to ache and here is one not all too merry in +its gladness. It is the face of one of our famous screen beauties, and we +know, even from this tinted half-tone, that the fame has been deserved. + +On one of those tired Arrowhead nights, inwardly debating the possible +discourtesy of an early bedding after ten wet miles of trout stream, I +came again and again to this compelling face of the sad smile and the +glad tears. It recalled an ideal feminine head much looked at in my +nonage. It was lithographed mostly in pink and was labeled "Tempest and +Sunshine." So I loitered by the big table, dreaming upon the poignant +perfections of this idol of a strange new art. I dreamed until awakened +by the bustling return of my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, who +paused beside me to build an after-dinner cigarette, herself glancing +meantime at the flawless face on the magazine cover. I perceived +instantly that she also had been caught by its not too elusive charm. + +"A beautiful face," I said. + +Ma Pettengill took the magazine from me and studied the dainty thing. + +"Yes, he's certainly beautiful," she assented. "He's as handsome as a +Greek goddess." Thus did the woman ambiguously praise that famous screen +star, J. Harold Armytage. "And the money he makes! His salary is one of +them you see compared with the President's so as to make the latter seem +a mere trifle. That's a funny thing. I bet at least eighteen million +grown people in this country never did know how much they was paying +their president till they saw it quoted beside some movie star's salary +in a piece that tells how he's getting about four times what we pay the +man in the White House. Ain't it a great business, though! Here's this +horrible male beauty that would have to be mighty careful to escape +extermination if he was anything but an actor. Being that, however, he +not only eludes the vengeance of a sickened populace, but he can come +out and be raw about it. Here, let me show you." + +She turned to the page where J. Harold Armytage began to print a choice +few of the letters he daily received from admirers of the reputedly +frailer sex. She now read me one of these with lamentable efforts of +voice to satirize its wooing note: "My darling! I saw that dear face of +yours again to-night in All For Love! So noble and manly you were in the +sawmill scene where first you turn upon the scoundrelly millionaire +father of the girl you love, then save him from the dynamite bomb of the +strikers at the risk of your own. Oh, my dearest! Something tells me your +heart is as pure and sweet as your acting, that your dear face could not +mask an evil thought. Oh, my man of all the world! If only you and I +together might--" + +It seemed enough. Ma Pettengill thought so too. The others were not +unlike it. The woman then read me a few of the replies of J. Harold +Armytage to his unknown worshippers. The famous star was invariably +modest and dignified in these. Tactfully, as a gentleman must in any +magazine of wide circulation, he deprecated the worship of these adoring +ones and kindly sought to persuade them that he was but a man--not a god, +even if he did chance to receive one of the largest salaries in the +business. The rogue! No god--with the glorious lines of his face there +on the cover to controvert this awkward disclaimer! His beauty flaunted +to famished hearts, what avail to protest weakly that they should put +away his image or even to hint, as now and again he was stern enough to +do, that their frankness bordered on the unmaidenly? + +I called Ma Pettengill's attention to this engaging modesty. I said it +must be an affair of some delicacy to rebuff ardent and not too reticent +fair ones in a public print, and that I considered J. Harold Armytage to +have come out of it with a display of taste that could be called unusual. +The woman replied, with her occasional irrelevance, that if the parties +that hired him should read this stuff they probably wouldn't even then +take him out on the lot and have him bitterly kicked by a succession of +ten large labouring men who would take kindly to the task. She then once +more said that the movies was sure one great business, and turned in the +magazine to pleasanter pages on which one Vida Sommers, also a screen +idol, it seemed, gave warning and advice to young girls who contemplated +a moving-picture career. + +Portraits of Vida Sommers in her best-known roles embellished these +pages. In all of the portraits she wept. In some the tears were visible; +in others they had to be guessed, the face being drawn by anguish. Her +feminine correspondents wished particularly to be told of the snares +and temptations besetting the path of the young girl who enters this +perilous career. Many of them seemed rather vague except upon this point. +They all seemed to be sure that snares and temptations would await them, +and would Vida Sommers please say how these could be avoided by young and +impressionable girls of good figure and appearance who were now waiting +on table at the American House in Centralia, Illinois, or accepting +temporary employment in mercantile establishments in Chicago, or merely +living at home in Zanesville, Ohio, amid conditions unbearably cramping +to their aspirations? + +And Vida Sommers told every one of them not to consider the pictures but +as a final refuge from penury. She warned them that they would find the +life one of hard work and full of disappointments. It seemed that even +the snares and temptations were disappointing, being more easily evaded +than many of her correspondents appeared to suspect. She advised them all +to marry some good, true man and make a home for him. And surely none of +them could have believed the life to be a joyous one after studying these +sorrowful portraits of Vida Sommers. + +"That's my little actress friend," said Ma Pettengill. "Doesn't she cry +something grand!" + +"You've been cheating me," I answered. "I never knew you had a little +actress friend. How did you get her? And doesn't she ever play anything +cheerful?" + +"Of course not! She only plays mothers, and you know what that means in +moving pictures. Ever see a moving-picture mother that had a chance to be +happy for more than the first ten feet of film? You certainly got to cry +to hold down that job. Ain't she always jolted quick in the first reel by +the husband getting all ruined up in Wall Street, or the child getting +stole, or the daughter that's just budding into womanhood running off +with a polished shoe-drummer with city ways, or the only son robbing a +bank, or husband taking up with a lady adventuress that lives across the +hall in the same flat and outdresses mother? + +"Then it's one jolt after another for her till the last ten feet of the +last reel, when everything comes right somewhere on a ranch out in the +great clean West where husband or son has got to be a man again by +mingling with the honest-hearted drunken cowboys in their barroom +frolics, or where daughter has won back her womanhood and made a name for +herself by dancing the Nature dance in the Red Eye Saloon for rough but +tender-hearted miners that shower their gold on her when stewed. Only, in +this glad time of the last ten feet she still has to cry a-plenty because +the clouds have passed and she's Oh, so happy at last! Yes, sir; they +get mother going and coming. And when she ain't weeping she has to be +scared or mad or something that keeps her face busy. Here--I got some +programmes of new pieces Vida just sent me. You can see she's a great +actress; look at that one: 'Why Did You Make My Mamma Cry?' And these +other two." + +I looked and believed. The dramas were variously and pithily described +as The Picture with the Punch Powerful--The Smashing Five-Reel +Masterpiece--A Play of Peculiar Problems and Tense Situations--Six +Gripping Reels, 7,000 Feet and Every Foot a Punch! Vida Sommers, in +the scenes reproduced from these plays, had indeed a busy face. In the +picture captioned "Why Did You Make My Mamma Cry?" the tiny golden-haired +girl is reproaching her father in evening dress. I read the opening lines +of the synopsis: "A young business man, who has been made successful +through his wife's money, is led to neglect her through pressure of +affairs, falls into the toils of a dancer in a public place and becomes +a victim of her habit, that of drinking perfume in her tea--" + +But I had not the heart to follow this tragedy. In another, "The Woman +Pays--Powerful and Picturesque, a Virile Masterpiece of Red-Blooded +Hearts," Vida Sommers is powerfully hating her husband whom she has +confronted in the den of a sneering and superbly gowned adventuress +who declares that the husband must choose between them. Of course there +can be no doubt about the husband's choice. No sane movie actor would +hesitate a second. The caption says of Vida Sommers: "Her Love Has Turned +to Hate." It may be good acting, but it would never get her chosen by the +male of her species--the adventuress being what is known in some circles +as a pippin. + +I studied still another of these documents--"Hearts Asunder." Vida +Sommers has sent her beautiful daughter to the spring for a pail of +water, though everyone in the audience must know that Gordon Balch, the +detestable villain, is lurking outside for precisely this to occur. The +synopsis beautiful says: "The mother now goes in search of her darling, +only to find her struggling in the grasp of Gordon Balch, who is trying +to force his attentions on her." This is where Vida Sommers has to look +frightened, though in a later picture one sees that her fright changed +to "A Mother's Honest Rage." The result is that Gordon Balch gets his, +and gets it good. The line under his last appearance is "The End of a +Misspent Life." Vida Sommers here registers pity. As Ma Pettengill had +said, her face seemed never to have a moment's rest. + +While I studied these exhibits my hostess had not been silent upon the +merits of her little actress friend. Slowly she made me curious as to the +origin and inner life of this valued member of an exalted profession. + +"Yes, sir; there she is at the top, drawing down big money, with a +nice vine-clad home in this film town, furnished from a page in a +woman's magazine, with a big black limousine like a hearse--all but +the plumes--and a husband that she worships the ground he walks on. +Everything the heart can desire, even to being mother to some of the +very saddest persons ever seen on a screen. It shows what genius will +do for a woman when she finds out what kind of genius she's got and is +further goaded by the necessity of supporting a husband in the style to +which he has been accustomed by a doting father. She's some person now, +let me tell you. + +"She spent a week with me in Red Gap last fall, and you'd ought to seen +how certain parties kowtowed to me so they'd get to meet her. I found +that about every woman under fifty in our town is sure she was born for +this here picture work, from Henrietta Templeton Price to Beryl Mae +Macomber, who's expecting any day to be snapped up by some shrewd manager +that her type is bound to appeal to, she being a fair young thing with +big eyes and lots of teeth, like all film actresses. Metta Bigler, +that teaches oil painting and burnt wood, give Vida a reception in her +Bohemian studio in Red Gap's Latin Quarter--the studio having a chain +of Chianti bottles on the wall and an ash tray with five burnt cigarette +ends on a taboret to make it look Bohemian--and that was sure the biggest +thrill our town has had since the Gus Levy All Star Shamrock Vaudeville +Company stranded there five years ago. It just shows how important my +little actress friend is--and look what she come up from!" + +I said I wouldn't mind looking what she come up from if she had started +low enough to make it exciting. + +Ma Pettengill said she had that! She had come up from the gutter. She +said that Vida Sommers, the idol of thousands, had been "a mere daughter +of the people." Her eyes crinkled as she uttered this phrase. So I chose +a chair in the shadow while she built a second cigarette. + +Ten years ago I'm taking a vacation down in New York City. Along comes a +letter from Aunt Esther Colborn, of Fredonia, who is a kind of a third +cousin of mine about twice removed. Says her niece, Vida, has had a good +city job as cashier of a dairy lunch in Boston, which is across the river +from some college, but has thrown this job to the winds to marry the only +college son of a rich New York magnate or Wall Street crook who has cast +the boy off for contracting this low alliance with a daughter of the +people. Aunt Esther is now afraid Vida isn't right happy and wants I +should look her up and find out. It didn't sound too good, but I obliged. + +I go to the address in Sixty-seventh Street on the West Side and find +that Vida is keeping a boarding house. But I was ready to cheer Aunt +Esther with a telegram one second after she opened the door on me--in +a big blue apron and a dustcap on her hair. She was the happiest young +woman I ever did see--shining it out every which way. A very attractive +girl about twenty-five, with a slim figure and one of these faces that +ain't exactly of howling beauty in any one feature, but that sure get +you when they're sunned up with joy like this one was. + +She was pleased to death when I told her my name, and of course I must +come in and stay for dinner so I could see all her boarders that was like +one big family and, above all, meet her darling husband Clyde when he got +home from business. The cheeriest thing she was, and I adore to meet +people that are cheery, so I said nothing would please me better. She +took me up to her little bedroom to lay my things off and then down to +the parlour where she said I must rest and excuse her because she still +had a few little things to supervise. She did have too. In the next hour +and a half she run up and down two flights of stairs at least ten times. +I could hear her sweeping overhead and jamming things round on the stove +when she raced down to the kitchen. Yes, she had several little things to +supervise and one girl to help her. I peeked into the kitchen once while +I was wandering through the lower rooms, and she seemed to be showing +this girl how to boil potatoes. I wondered if she never run down and if +her happy look was really chronic or mebbe put on for my benefit. Still, +I could hear her singing to herself and she moved like a happy person. + +In looking round the parlour I was greeted on every wall by pictures +of a charming youth I guessed was darling Clyde. A fine young face he +had, and looked as happy as Vida herself. There was pictures of him +with a tennis racket and on a sailboat and with a mandolin and standing +up with his college glee club and setting on a high-powered horse and +so forth, all showing he must be a great social favourite and one born +to have a good time. I wondered how he'd come to confer himself on +the cashier of a quick-lunch place. I thought it must be one of these +romances. Then--I'm always remembering the foolishest things--I recalled +a funny little absent look in Vida's eyes when she spoke of her darling +coming home from business. I thought now it must of been pride; that he +was performing some low job in a factory or store while she run the +boarding house, and she didn't want me to know it. I thought he must +be a pretty fine rich man's son to stand the gaff this way when cast +off by his father for mixing up with a daughter of the people. + +It come dinnertime; about a dozen boarders straggling in, with Vida in +a pretty frock anxious because darling Clyde was ten minutes late and +of course something fatal must of happened to him in crossing a crowded +street. But nothing had. He showed up safe and sound and whistling in +another ten minutes, and became the life of the party. He looked near as +happy as Vida did when she embraced him out in the hall, a fine handsome +young fellow, the best-natured in the world, jollying the boarders and +jollying me and jollying Vida that he called Baby Girl, or Babe. I saw, +too, that I must of been mistaken about the job he was holding down. He +was dressed in a very expensive manner, with neat little gold trinkets +half concealed about him, the shirt and collar exactly right and the +silk socks carefully matching the lavender tie. + +He kept the table lively all through dinner with jokes and quips from the +latest musical comedies and anecdotes of his dear old college days, and +how that very afternoon he had won a silver cup and the pool championship +of his college club--and against a lot of corking good players, too, he +didn't mind saying. Also I noticed we was eating a mighty good dinner; so +darned good you didn't see how Vida could set it up at the price boarders +usually pay. + +After dinner Clyde sat down to the piano in the parlour and entertained +one and all with songs of a comic or sentimental character. He knew a +piano intimately, and his voice was one of these here melting tenors that +get right inside of you and nestle. He was about the most ingratiating +young man I'd ever met, and I didn't wonder any more about Vida's look +of joy being permanent. She'd look in on the party every once in a while +from the kitchen or the dining room where she was helping her Swede do +the dishes for fifteen people and set the table for breakfast. + +She was about an hour at this, and when at last she'd slipped out of her +big apron and joined us she was looking right tuckered but still joyous. +Clyde patted his Baby Girl's hand when she come in, and she let herself +go into an easy-chair near him that one of the boarders got up to give +her. I got the swift idea that this was the first time all day she'd set +down with any right feeling of rest. + +Then Clyde sung to her. You could tell it was a song he meant for her and +never sung till she'd got the work done up. A right pretty old song it +was, Clyde throwing all the loving warmth of his first-class tenor voice +into the words: + +Good night, good night, beloved! +I come to watch o'er thee, +To be near thee, to be near thee. + +I forget the rest, but there was happy tears in Vida's eyes when he +finished in one climbing tenor burst. Then Clyde gets up and says he +has an engagement down to his college club because some of his dear old +classmates has gathered there for a quiet little evening of reminiscence +and the jolly old rascals pretend they can't get along without him. Vida +beams on him brighter than ever and tells him to be sure and have a good +time, which I'd bet money he'd be sure to. + +It was a very pretty scene when they said good night. Vida pretended +that Clyde's voice was falling off from smoking too many cigarettes at +this club. "I wouldn't mind you're going there, but I just know you spend +most of the time in the club's horrid old smoking room!" She tells him +this with a pout. Smoking room of a club! The knowing little minx! And +Clyde chided her right back in a merry fashion. He lifted one of her +hands and said his Baby Girl would have to take better care of them +because the cunnun' little handies was getting all rough. Then they +both laughed and went out for a long embrace in the hall. + +Vida come back with a glowing countenance, and the boarders having +dropped off to their rooms when the life of the party went to his club +we had a nice chat. All about Clyde. She hoped I did like him, and I +frankly said he was about the most taking young brat I'd ever been close +to. She explained how their union had been a dream; that during their +entire married life of a year and a half he had never spoken one cross +word to her. She said I couldn't imagine his goodness of heart nor his +sunny disposition nor how much everyone admired him. But the tired thing +got so sleepy in ten minutes, even talking about her husband, that she +couldn't keep back the yawns, so I said I'd had a wonderful evening and +would have to go now. + +But up in the bedroom, while I'm putting my things on, she gets waked up +and goes more into detail about her happiness. I've never been able to +figure out why, but women will tell each other things in a bedroom that +they wouldn't dream of telling in any other room. Not that Vida went very +far. Just a few little points. Like how Clyde's father had cast him off +when they married and how she had felt herself that she was nothing but +a bad woman taking advantage of this youth, she being a whole year older +than he was; but Clyde had acted stunning in the matter, telling his +father he had chosen the better part. Also it turned out this father +hadn't cast him off from so much after all, because the old man went flat +broke in Wall Street a couple of months later, perishing of heart failure +right afterward, and about the only thing Clyde would of drawn from the +estate anyway was an old-fashioned watch of his grandfather's with a +chain made from his grandmother's hair when she was a bride. + +I gathered they had been right up against it at this time, except for +the two thousand dollars that had been left Vida by her Uncle Gideon +in the savings bank at Fredonia. Clyde, when she drew this out, wanted +they should go to Newport with it where they could lead a quiet life +for a couple of months while he looked about for a suitable opening +for himself. But Vida had been firm, even ugly, she said, on this point. +She'd took the two thousand and started a boarding house that would be +more like a home than a boarding house, though Clyde kept saying he'd +never be able to endure seeing the woman bearing his name reduced to such +ignoble straits. + +Still he had swallowed his foolish pride and been really very nice about +it after she got the business started. Now he was always telling her to +be sure and set a good table. He said if you were going to do a thing, +even if it was only keeping a boarding house, to do it well. That was his +motto--do it well or don't do it at all! So she was buying the best cuts +of meats and all fresh vegetables because of his strict ideas in this +matter, and it didn't look as if they'd ever really make a fortune at +it--to say nothing of there being more persons than I'd believe that had +hard luck and got behind in their payments, and of course one couldn't be +stern to the poor unfortunates. + +I listened to this chatter till it seemed about time to ask what business +Clyde had took up. It seemed that right at the moment he was disengaged. +It further seemed that he had been disengaged at most other moments since +he had stooped to this marriage with a daughter of the people. I mustn't +think it was the poor boy's fault, though. He was willing at all times +to accept a situation and sometimes would get so depressed that he'd +actually look for work. Twice he had found it, but it proved to be +something confining in an office where the hours were long and conditions +far from satisfactory. + +That's how she put it, with glowing eyes and flushed cheeks: "It +proved to be mere dull routine work not in the least suited to darling +Clyde's talents and the conditions were far from satisfactory. I had the +hardest time prevailing on him to give the nasty old places up and wait +patiently for a suitable opening. He was quite impatient with me when he +consented--but, of course, he's only a boy of twenty-four, a whole year +younger than I am. I tell him every day a suitable opening is bound to +occur very soon. You see, he had so many grand friends, people of the +right sort that are wealthy. I insist on his meeting them constantly. +Just think; only last week he spent Saturday and Sunday at one of the +biggest country houses on Long Island, and had such a good time. He's a +prime favourite with a lot of people like that and they're always having +him to dine or to the opera or to their balls and parties. I miss him +horribly, of course, and the poor dear misses me, but I tell him it will +surely lead to something. His old college chums all love him too--a boy +makes so many valuable friends in college, don't you think? A lot of them +try to put things in his way. I couldn't bear to have him accept a +situation unworthy of him--I know it would kill him. Why, he wilts like +a flower under the least depression." + +Well, I set and listened to a long string of this--and not a word for +me to say. What could any one of said? Wasn't it being told to me by +the happiest woman I ever set eyes on? Yes, sir; I'd never believe how +gentle natured the boy was. Why, that very morning, being worried about +something that went wrong with breakfast, which she had to turn out at +five A. M. to get started hadn't she clean forgot to change his studs to +a fresh shirt? And, to make it worse, hadn't she laid out a wrong color +of socks with his lavender tie? But had he been cross to her, as most men +would of been? Not for one second! He'd simply joked her about it when +she brought up his breakfast tray, just as he'd joked her to-night about +her hands getting rough from the kitchen work. And so forth and so forth! + +The poor thing had got so dead for sleep by this time that she was merely +babbling. She'd probably of fallen over in her clothes if I hadn't been +there. Anyway, I got her undressed and into bed. She said Clyde's +goodnight song always rung in her ears till she slept. It didn't ring +long this night. She was off before I got out the door. Darned if I +hadn't been kind of embarrassed by her talk, knowing it would never +do for me to bust in with anything bordering on the vicious, such as +suggesting that if Clyde now and then went into the kitchen and helped +Baby Girl with the dishes it would make a very attractive difference +in him. I took another good look at his pictures in the parlour before +I let myself out of the house. He still looked good--but hell! + +I wrote Aunt Esther the same evening not to worry one minute about Vida's +happiness, because I wished we could all be as happy as she was. All the +same I took pains to go round to that boarding house a couple times more +because it seemed like the girl's happiness might have a bum foundation. +Darling Clyde was as merry and attentive as ever and Vida was still +joyous. I guess she kept joyous at her work all day by looking forward to +that golden moment after dinner when her boy would sing Good night, good +night, beloved--he'd come to watch o'er her! How that song did light her +face up! + +She confided to me one of these times that the funny men are always +making jokes about how much it costs a woman for clothes, and she +wondered why they didn't make some of their old jokes about how much it +costs for men's clothes too. She said I wouldn't believe how much they +had to lay out on Clyde's clothes so he'd be sure to look right when a +suitable opening occurred. I could take the item of shirts alone that had +to be made to order and cost seven-fifty each, to say nothing of collars +and ties and suits from what Clyde said was the only tailor in New York +that could dress a gentleman so he looked like one. She said if these +funny humourists could see what they spent on her clothes and what they +had to spend on Clyde's, she bet they'd feel mighty cheap. She laughed +like she had a bully joke on the poor things. + +She was glad, too, for Clyde's sake that a suitable opening was just +about to occur any moment, because the poor chap said himself it was a +dog's life he was leading, with nothing much to do every day but go to +the club and set round. And how thankful she'd ought to be that he never +drank--the least bit of liquor made him ill--and so many young men of +his class nowadays drank to excess. + +No; nothing for me to say and nothing to do. Here was one happy love +match. So I come home, making Vida promise to write often. + +She did write about six times in the next three years. The chief fact +standing out was that the right opening for Clyde hadn't opened yet--and +he was getting more impatient every day. He always had something in view. +But I judged he was far-sighted. And some way when he had got his rope +over a job the hondoo wouldn't seem to render. He couldn't cinch +anything. He was as full of blandishment as ever, though, and not a one +of his staunch old friends had dropped him on account of his unfortunate +marriage. He was a great diner-out and spent lots of week-ends, and just +now was on a jolly houseboat in Florida for three months with an old +college mate worth nine million dollars, and wasn't that nice! She could +just see him keeping the whole party gay with his mandolin and his songs. +The summer before that this same friend had let Clyde have an elegant +motor car for his own use, and the foolish boy had actually took her out +in it one Sunday, there being a pongee motor coat in the car that fit her +beautifully so that none of his rich friends could have told she wasn't +dressed as smartly as they was. He not only kept her out all afternoon, +but would have took her to dinner some place only she had to get back to +the boarding house because you couldn't trust these raw Swedes. + +And there was one thing she was going to bring herself to confess to +me, no matter if it did sound disloyal--a dreadful thing about Clyde. +It was ugly of her to breathe a word against him, but she was greatly +worried and mebbe I could help her. The horrible truth was that her boy +was betraying an inclination to get fat, and he'd only laugh at her when +she warned him. Many a night her pillow had been wet with tears on this +account, and did I believe in any of these remedies for reducing? Wasn't +there something she could slip into his pudding that would keep him down +without his knowing it, because otherwise, though it was a thing no true +wife ought to say, her beloved would dig his grave with his teeth. + +I thought that was about enough and even ample. I started a hot answer to +this letter, saying that if darling Clyde was digging his grave with his +teeth it was her own fault because she was providing the spade and the +burial plot, and the quickest way to thin her darling down would be for +her to quit work. But shucks! Why insult the poor thing? I got back my +composure and wrote her a nice letter of sympathy in her hour of great +trouble. I didn't say at all that if I had been in her place Mr. Clyde +would of long since had my permission to go to the devil. Yes, sir; I'd +have had that lad going south early in the second year. Mebbe not at +that! A woman never really knows how some other man might of made a +fool of her. + +Two more years drug on, with about two letters from Vida, and then I +get a terrible one announcing the grand crash. First, the boarding house +had died a lingering death, what from Vida buying the best the market +afforded and not having learned to say "No!" to parties that got behind, +and Clyde having had to lend a couple hundred dollars to a fraternity +brother that was having a little hard luck. She'd run the business on a +narrow trail for the last two months, trying to guard every penny, but +it got so she and Clyde actually had to worry over his next club dues, +to say nothing of a new dress suit he was badly needing. Then some +parties she owed bills to come along and pushed her over the cliff by +taking her furniture. She was at first dreadfully worried about how her +boy would stand the blow, but he'd took it like the brave, staunch man +he was, being such a help to her when they had to move to a furnished +room near the old home where they both had been so happy. He'd fairly +made the place ring with his musical laughter and his merry jesting +about their hardships. + +Then she'd got a good job as cashier in a big grocery she'd dealt +with, not getting a million dollars a year, to be sure, but they were +doing nicely, because Clyde took most of his meals with his thoughtful +friends--and then crash out of a clear sky a horrible tragedy happened +that for a minute darkened the whole world. + +Yes, it was a bitter tragedy. Clyde's two-year-old dress suit, that +he was bravely wearing without a murmur, had needed pressing and she +promised to do it; but she overslept herself till seven-thirty that +morning, which made her late at the store, so she'd asked the girl in +this rooming house to do it down in the kitchen. The girl had been +willing but weak-minded. She started with too hot an iron and didn't +put a damp cloth between the iron and the goods. In the midst of the +job something boiled over on the stove. She got rattled and jumped for +that, and when she come back the dress coat of darling Clyde was branded +for fair in the middle of the back--a nifty flatiron brand that you could +of picked him out of a bunch of animals by in one second. The girl was +scared stiff and hung the clothes back in the closet without a word. And +poor Clyde discovered the outrage that night when he was dressing for a +class reunion of his dear old Alvah Mater. + +I had to read between the lines some, but I gathered that he now broke +down completely at this betrayal of his trusting nature. Vida must of +been suffering too keenly herself to write me all the pitiful details. +And right on top of this blow comes the horrible discovery, when he takes +his mandolin out of the case, that it has been fatally injured in the +moving. One blow right on another. How little we realize the suffering +that goes on all about us in this hard world. Imagine the agony in that +furnished room this night! + +Clyde wasn't made of iron. When the first flood of grief subsided he +seems to of got cold and desperate. Said Vida in this letter: "My heart +stopped when he suddenly declared in cool, terrible tones: 'There's +always the river!' I could see that he had resolved to end it all, and +through the night I pleaded with my boy." + +I bet she made mistakes as a grocer's cashier next day, but it was worth +it because her appeals to Clyde's better nature had prevailed. He did +disappear that day, getting his trunks from the house while she was at +the store and not being able to say good-bye because he couldn't remember +which store she was accepting a situation at. But he left her a nice +note. He wasn't going to end it all in the river. He was going off on the +private steamboat of one of his dearest friends for a trip round the +world that might last a year--and she mustn't worry about the silly old +dress coat, because his new dinner-jacket suit would be ample for a boat +trip. Also she'd be glad to know that he had a new mandolin, though she +wasn't to worry about the bill for it, because the man didn't expect his +pay on time and, anyway, he could wait, so with fondest love! + +And Vida was so relieved at this good fortune. To think that her +despondent boy was once more assured of his rightful position for a +whole year, while she was saving her princely wages till she got enough +to start another boarding house that would be more like a home. Wasn't +it all simply too good to be true--wasn't it always darkest just before +dawn! + +I didn't trust myself to answer that letter, beyond wiring her that if +she ever felt she was having any really hard luck to be sure and call on +me. And she went on working and putting her money by. It was two years +later when I next saw her. I looked her up the first thing when I got to +New York. + +She was still accepting a position in this grocery, but of course had +changed to a much smaller furnished room where she could be cozy and feed +herself from a gas stove on the simple plain foods that one just can't +seem to get at high-priced restaurants. + +She'd changed a lot. Lines in her face now, and streaks in her brown +hair, and she barely thirty. I made up my mind to do something harsh, +but couldn't just tell how to start. She'd had a picture card from her +boy the first year, showing the Bay of Naples and telling how he longed +for her; but six months later had come a despondent letter from Japan +speaking again of the river and saying he often felt like ending it +all. Only, he might drag out his existence a bit longer because another +wealthy old chum was in port and begging him to switch over to his yacht +and liven up the party, which was also going round the world--and maybe +he would, because "after all, does anything in life really matter?" + +That was the last line. I read it myself while Vida watched me, setting +on her little iron bed after work one night. She had a plain little room +with no windows but one in the roof, though very tastefully furnished +with photos of Clyde on every wall. The only other luxury she'd indulged +in was a three-dollar revolver because she was deathly afraid of +burglars. She'd also bought a hammer to shoot the revolver off with, +keeping 'em both on the stand at the head of her bed. Yes; she said that +was the way the man was firing it off in the advertisement--hitting it on +a certain spot with a hammer. She was a reckless little scoundrel. She +told me all about how to shoot a revolver while I was thinking up what +to say about Clyde. + +I finally said if he had ended it all she must cheer up, because it +might be for the best. She considered this sadly and said she didn't +believe dear Clyde had been prepared to die. I could see she was +remembering old things that had been taught her in Sabbath school about +God and wickedness and the bad place, so I cheered her on that point. I +told her they hadn't been burning people for about thirty years now, the +same not being considered smart any longer in the best religious circles. +I also tried in a delicate manner to convince her that her boy would +never end it all by any free act of his. I offered to bet her a large sum +of money on this at any odds she wanted--she could write her own ticket. +I said I knew men well enough to be certain that with this one it would +be a long life but a merry one. Gee! The idea of this four-carder hurting +himself! + +And I had to cheer her up on another point. This was that she didn't +have about three babies, all the image of their father. Yes, sir; she +was grieving sorely about that. It give me a new line on her. I saw +all at once she was mostly mother--a born one. Couldn't ever be anything +else and hadn't ever really felt anything but mothersome to this here +wandering treasure of hers. It give me kind of a shock. It made me +feel so queer I wanted to swear. + +Well, I wrastled with that mulish female seven straight days to make +her leave that twelve-hour job of hers and come out here with me. I tried +everything. I even told her what with long hours and bum food she was +making herself so old that her boy wouldn't give her a second look when +he got back. That rattled her. She took hold of her face and said that +massage cream would take all those silly lines out when she got time +to rub it in properly; and as for the gray in her hair, she could never +bring herself to use a dye, but if Clyde come back she might apply a +little of the magic remedy that restores the natural colour. She also +said in plain words that to come out here with me would look like +deserting her boy. Do you get that? + +"Dear Clyde is so sensitive," she says. "I couldn't bear the thought of +his coming back and finding that I had left our home." + +My work was cut for me, all right. I guess I'd failed if I hadn't been +helped by her getting a sick spell from worry over what the good God +would do to Clyde if he should end it all in some nasty old river, and +from the grocery being sold to a party that had his own cashier. But I +won, she being too sick to hunt another job just then. A least I got a +fair compromise. + +She wouldn't come here to live with me, but she remembered that Clyde had +often talked of Southern California, where he had once gone with genial +friends in a private car. He had said that some day when he had acquired +the means he would keep a home there. So she was willing to go there +herself and start a home for him. I saw it was the best I could get from +her, so I applauded. + +I says: "That's fine. You take this three hundred and eighty dollars you +got saved and I'll put a few dollars more with it and get you a little +country place down there where you can be out of doors all day and raise +oranges and chickens, and enough hogs for table use, and when the dear +boy comes back he'll be awful proud of you." + +"Oh, he always was that," says Vida. "But I'll go--and I'll always keep +a light in the window for him." + +And a lot of folks say women ought to vote! + +So we start for Los Angeles, deserting Clyde just as mean as dirt. Sure, +I went with her! I didn't trust her to finish the trip. As it was, she +wanted to get off the train twice before we got to Chicago--thinking +of the shock to her boy's tender heart if he should come back and find +himself deserted. + +But then, right after we left Chicago, she got interested. In the section +across from us was a fifty-five-year-old male grouch with a few gray +bristles on his head who had been snarling at everyone that come near +him ever since the train left New York. The porters and conductors had +got so they'd rush by him like they was afraid of getting bit on the arm. +He had a gray face that seemed like it had been gouged out of stone. It +was like one of these gargles you see on rare old churches in Europe. He +was just hating everyone in the world, not even playing himself a +favourite. And Vida had stood his growling as long as she could. Having +at last give up the notion of tracking back to New York, she plumped +herself down in the seat with this raging wild beast and begged for his +troubles. I looked to see her tore limb from limb, instead of which in +three minutes he was cooing to her in a rocky bass voice. His trouble +was lumbago or pleurisy or some misery that kept him every minute in +this pernickety state. + +That was all old mother Vida needed to know. She rustled a couple +hot-water bags and kept 'em on the ribs of this grouch for about two +thousand miles, to say nothing of doping him with asperin and quinine +and camphor and menthol and hot tea and soothing words. He was the only +son in sight, so he got it good. She simply has to mother something. + +The grouch got a little human himself the last day out and begun to +ask Vida questions about herself. Being one that will tell any person +anything at all, she told him her life history and how her plans was now +unsettled, but she hoped to make a home out on this coast. The grouch +come right out and asked her how big her roll was, saying he lived out +here and it cost something to make a home. Vida told him she had her two +years' savings of three hundred and eighty good dollars and that I had +promised to loan her a few dollars to piece out with. At this the old boy +looked me over carefully and could see no signs of vast wealth because I +never wear such in Pullman cars, so he warns her that I'll have to piece +out her savings with a few thousand instead of a few dollars if she's to +start anything worth keeping, because what they do to you in taxes down +there is a-plenty. + +After which he goes to sleep. + +Vida moves over and asks what I meant by saying I'd only have to put in a +few dollars when I must of known it would take a few thousand, and didn't +I realize that Clyde would be hurt to the quick if he come back and found +she hadn't been independent? She indignantly said she'd have to give up +the country place and work till she had enough to start another home for +paying guests. + +I was so mad at this truthful grouch for butting in on my game that +I up and told her flat she could never run a boarding house and make +it pay; that no woman could who hadn't learned to say "No!" and she was +too much of a mush-head for that. She was quite offended by this and says +firmness has always been considered a strong point in her personality. A +first-class palmist had told her this only two weeks before. While we are +squabbling back and forth the grouch wakes up again and says that he's in +the moving-picture business and will give her a good job in the wardrobe +department of the company he's with, so she must show up there at eight +o'clock the next morning. Just like that! He didn't ask her. He told her. + +Vida is kind of took off her feet, but mumbles "Yes, sir!" and puts his +card in her bag. Me? I was too mad to talk, seeing the girl get into the +mill again when I'd tried so hard to get her out. But I swore to myself +I'd stick round and try to get some sense into the cup-custard she called +her brain. + +So the next morning I took her out to this moving-picture joint that they +call a studio--not a bit like Metta Bigler's studio in Red Gap--and sure +enough here's the grouch ready to put Vida on a job. The job is in a room +about ninety feet long filled with boxes and sewing machines and shelves +full of costumes, and Vida is to be assistant wardrobe mistress. Yes, +sir; a regular title for the job. And the pay is twenty-five a week, +which is thirteen more than she'd ever dreamed of making before. The +grouch is very decent to her and tells everybody she's a friend of his, +and they all pay polite attention to him because he's someone important +in the works. It seems he's a director. He stands round and yells at the +actors how to act, which I had always supposed they knew already but it +seems not. Anyway, I left Vida there to get on to her new duties. + +She was full of good reports that night about how well she'd got along, +and how interesting the work was, and how she'd helped doctor up another +boy. She said he was one of the world's greatest actors, because if they +give him four or five stiff drinks first he would fall off a forty-foot +cliff backwards into the ocean. She'd helped bandage a sprained wrist for +him that he got by jumping out of a second-story window in a gripping +drama replete with punch and not landing quite right. + +I said to myself it must be a crazy joint and she'd soon give up and +let me get her a nice little place on the edge of town that I'd already +looked over. So I let her go three days more, but still she stuck +there with great enthusiasm. Then I had to be leaving for home, so the +afternoon of the fourth day I went out to see for myself how things +looked. + +Vida is tickled to see me and takes me right in where they're beginning +to act a gripping feature production. Old Bill Grouch is there in front +of a three-legged camera barking at the actors that are waiting round +in their disguises--with more paint on 'em than even a young girl will +use if her mother don't watch her. The grouch is very polite to Vida and +me and shows us where to stand so we won't get knocked over by other +actors that are carrying round furniture and electric light stands and +things. + +They got a parlour in a humble home where the first scene is to be. +There's a mother and a fair-haired boy of twenty and a cop that's come +to pinch him for a crime. The play at this point is that the mother has +to plead with the cop not to drag her boy off to a prison cell, and she +has to do it with streaming eyes. It was darned interesting. The boy is +standing with bowed head and the cop is looking sympathetic but firm, and +mother is putting something into her eyes out of a medicine dropper. I +whisper to Vida and she says it's glycerine for the tears. She holds her +head back when she puts 'em in and they run down her cheeks very lifelike +when she straightens up. + +So mother comes forward with her streaming face and they're all ready +to act when the grouch halts things and barks at the boy that he ain't +standing right. He goes up and shows him how to stand more shamefully. +But the tears on mother's face have dripped away and have to be renewed. +She was a nice, kind-appearing mother all right, but I noticed she looked +peeved when this delay happened. Vida explains that glycerine don't +damage the eyes really, but it makes 'em smart a lot, and this actress, +Miss St. Clair, has a right to feel mad over having to put in some more. + +But she does it, though with low muttering when the grouch calls "All +right, Miss St. Clair!" and is coming forward to act with this here +second batch of tears when the grouch stops it with another barking fit. +He barks at the policeman this time. He says the policeman must do more +acting. + +"You know you have a boy of your own," says he, "and how you'd hate to +have him arrested for this crime, but you're also remembering that law +is law and you're sworn to uphold it. Try to get that now. All ready, +Miss St. Clair--we're waiting for you, Miss St. Clair!" + +I'd watched this actress the second time her tears was spoiled and her +expression didn't fit a loving mother's face one bit. Her breath come as +in scenes of tense emotion, but she hotly muttered something that made +me think I must of misunderstood her, because no lady actress would say +it, let alone a kind old mother. However, she backs off and for the third +time has this medicine dropper worked on her smarting eyes. Once more +she comes forward with streaming eyes of motherly love, and I'm darned +if this grouch don't hold things up again. + +This time he's barking about a leather sofa against the far wall of the +humble home. He says it's an office sofa and where in something is the +red plush one that belongs to the set? He's barking dangerously at +everyone round him when all at once he's choked off something grand by +the weeping mother that has lost her third set of tears. She was wiping +glycerine off her face and saying things to the grouch that must of give +him a cold chill for a minute. I'm sometimes accused of doing things with +language myself, but never in my life have I talked so interestingly--at +least not before ladies. Not that I blamed her. + +Everyone kept still with horror till she run down; it seems it's a fierce +crime in that art to give a director what's coming to him. The policeman +and the erring son was so scared they just stood there acting their +parts and the grouch was frozen with his mouth half open. Probably he +hadn't believed it at first. Then all at once he smiled the loveliest +smile you ever seen on a human face and says in chilled tones: "That +will be all, Miss St. Clair! We will trouble you no further in this +production." His words sounded like cracking up a hunk of ice for the +cocktail shaker. Miss St. Clair then throws up her arms and rushes off, +shrieking to the limit of a bully voice. + +It was an exciting introduction for me to what they call the silent +drama. + +Then I looked at Vida and she was crying her eyes out. I guessed it was +from sympathy with the mother actress, but the grouch also stares at her +with his gimlet eyes and says: + +"Here, don't you waste any tears on her. That's all in the day's work." + +"I--wasn't thinking of her," sobs Vida. + +"Then what you crying for?" says he. + +"For that poor dear boy that's being dragged from his mother to prison +for some childish prank," she blubbers. + +Me, I laughed right out at the little fool, but the director didn't +laugh. + +"Well, I'll be damned!" says he in low, reverent tones. + +Then he begins to look into her face like he'd lost something there. Then +he backed off and looked into it a minute more. Then he went crazy all +over the place. + +"Here," he barks at another actress, "get this woman into your dressing +room and get the number five on her quick. Make her up for this part, +understand? You there, Eddie, run get that calico skirt and black-satin +waist off Miss St. Clair and hustle 'em over to Miss Harcourt's room, +where this lady will be making up. Come on now! Move! Work quick! We +can't be on this scene all day." + +Then, when everybody run off, he set down on the red plush sofa that was +now in place, relighted a cigar that smelled like it had gone out three +days before, and grinned at me in an excited manner. + +"Your little friend is a find," he says. "Mark my words, Mrs. Pettijohn, +she's got a future or I don't know faces. She'll screen well, and she's +one of the few that can turn on the tears when she wants to. I always +did hate glycerine in this art. Now if only I can get her camera +wise--and I'll bet I can! Lucky we'd just started on this piece when St. +Clair blew up. Only one little retake, where she's happy over her boy's +promotion in the factory. She's bound to get away with that; then if she +can get the water again for this scene it will be all over but signing +her contract." + +I was some excited myself by this time, you'd better believe. Nervous as +a cat I found myself when Vida was led out in the sad mother's costume by +this other actress that had made her up. But Vida wasn't nervous the +least bit. She was gayly babbling that she'd always wanted to act, and +once she had played a real part in a piece they put on at Odd Fellows' +Hall in Fredonia, and she had done so well that even the Methodist +minister said she was as good as the actress he saw in Lawrence Barrett's +company before he was saved; and he had hoped she wouldn't be led away by +her success and go on the real stage, because he could not regard it as a +safe pursuit for young persons of her sex, owing to there being so little +home life--and now what did she do first? + +This director had got very cold and businesslike once more. + +"Stop talking first," says he. "Don't let me hear another word from you. +And listen hard. You're sitting in your humble home sewing a button on +your boy's coat. He's your only joy in life. There's the coat and the +button half sewed on with the needle and thread sticking in it. Sit down +and sew that button on as if you were doing it for your own son. No +pretending, mind you. Sew it on as if--" + +He hesitated a minute and got a first-class inspiration. + +"Sew it on as if it was a button on your husband's coat that you told me +about. Every two or three stitches look up to show us how happy you are. +When you get it sewed, take the coat up this way and hug it. You look +still happier at that. Then you walk over to the mantel, pick up the +photograph of your boy that's there by that china dog and kiss it. I +won't tell you how to do that. Remember who he is and do it your own +way, only let us see your face. Then put back the picture slowly, go get +the coat, and start to the left as if you were going to hang it up in his +room; but you hear steps on the stair outside and you know your boy has +come home from work. We see that because your face lights up. Stand happy +there till he comes in. + +"You expect him to rush over to you as usual, but he's cast down; +something has happened. You get a shock of fright. Walk over to +him--slow; you're scared. Get your arms round him. He stiffens at +first, then leans on you. He's crying himself now, but you ain't--not +yet. You're brave because you don't know about this fight he's had with +the foreman that's after your boy's sweetheart for no good purpose. + +"Now go through it that far and see if you remember everything I told +you. When we get down to the crying scene after the officer comes on, +I'll rehearse you in that too, only for God's sake don't cry in the +rehearsal! You'll go dry. Now then! Coat--button--sewing. Goon!" + +Well, sir, I stood there trembling like a leaf while she went through +what he'd told her like she'd been at it all her life--or rather like it +was her dear Clyde's coat and her dear Clyde's photo and her dear Clyde +that come in the door. Then he rehearsed her in the end of the scene +where the cop comes on, and she got that, too, though alarming him +because she couldn't even rehearse it without crying. I could see this +director was nervous himself by this time, thinking she was too good to +be true. But he got her into the chair sewing again, all ready for the +real work. + +"Remember only three things," he says: "Don't look at this machine, move +slowly when you move at all, and don't try to act. Now then! Camera!" + +It was a historic occasion, all right. The lad at the camera begun to +turn a crank and Vida begun to act like she wasn't acting at all. The +director just give her a low word when she had to move. He didn't bark +now. And say, that crying scene! Darned if I didn't near cry myself +looking at her, and I heard this stonefaced director breathing mighty +short when she had to stand there with her hands clenched and watch +her boy go out the door with this cop. + +Vida was too excited to sleep that night. She said the director had +advised her privately not to make a contract just yet, because she would +get better terms when she'd showed 'em what she could really do. For +this picture she would get paid seventy-five dollars a week. A week, mind +you, to a girl that had been thinking herself lucky to get twelve in New +York. + +She was very let down and happy, and cried a little bit out of working +hours for me because it was all so wonderful, and her drowned boy might +be resting on some river bottom at that very moment. I said it was a safe +bet he was resting, wherever he was; but she didn't get it and I didn't +say it twice. + +And such was the beginning of Vida Sommers' glittering sob career in +the movies. She's never had but one failure and they turned that into a +success. It seems they tried her in one of these "Should a Wife Forgive?" +pieces in which the wife did not forgive, for a wonder, and she made a +horrible mess of it. She was fine in the suffering part, of course, only +when it come to not forgiving at the end--well, she just didn't know how +to not forgive. They worked with her one whole day, then had to change +the ending. She's said to be very noble and womanly in it. + +I went home next day, leaving her in pursuit of her art. But I got +glowing letters from her about every week, she doing new pictures and her +salary jumping because other film parties was naturally after so good +a weeper. And the next year I run down to see her. She was a changed +woman all right. She had a home or bungalow, a car, a fashionable dog, a +Jap cook, a maid and real gowns for the first time in her life. But the +changes was all outside. She was still the same Vida that wanted to +mother every male human on earth. She never seemed to worry about girls +and women; her idea is that they're able to look out for themselves, but +that men are babies needing a mother's protection as long as they live. + +And of course one of these men she had mothered down there had took a +base advantage of her--this same ugly old grouch of a director. She +locked the bedroom door and told me about it in horrified whispers the +first night I got there. She said it might of been her fault, that he +might of misunderstood something she had said about Clyde. And anyway +she'd ought to of remembered that some men are beasts at heart. + +Anyway, this infamous brute had come to the house one night and insulted +her in the grossest manner, and it was all true about moving-picture +directors having designs on unprotected females that work for 'em. +Yielding to his lowest brute instincts he had thrown decency to the winds +and made her such an evil proposition that she could hardly bear to put +it in words. But she did. It seems that the scoundrel had listened to +some studio gossip to the effect that she had divorced the husband who +deserted her, and so he come right out and said he had been deeply in +love with her ever since that first day on the train, and now that she +was free, would she marry him? + +Of course she was insulted to the limit and told him so in what would +probably of made a gripping scene of a good woman spurning the advances +of a moral leper. She overwhelmed him with scorn and horror for his foul +words. How dared he say her Clyde had deserted her, or think she would +ever divorce him! That showed, what a vile mind he must have. She said he +got awful meek and apologetic when he learned that she still clung to the +memory of Clyde, who would one day fight his way back to her if he hadn't +ended it all. She told him fully what a perfect man Clyde was, and she +said at last the ugly old wretch just grinned weakly at her in a very +painful way, like it hurt him, and said: "Oh, my dearest, you must try to +forgive me. I didn't know--I didn't know half the truth." Then he patted +her hand and patted her cheek and choked up and swallowed a couple of +times, and says he: + +"I was an old man dreaming and dreams make fools of old men!" + +Then he swallowed again and stumbled out through her garden where the +orange blossoms had just come. She said he'd never been offensive since +that time, barking as nasty to her as to any of the others when she was +acting, so that no one would dream what a foul heart he had, except that +he always kept a bunch of white roses in her dressing room. But she +hadn't cared to make him trouble about that because maybe he was +honestly trying to lead a better life. + +Some entertainment Vida give me, telling this, setting on her bed under a +light that showed up more lines than ever in her face. She was looking +close to forty now--I guess them crying scenes had told on her, and her +yearning for the lost Clyde--anyway she was the last woman on earth could +of got herself insulted even if she had tried her prettiest, only she +didn't know that. And she'd had her little thrill. We've all dreamed of +how we'd some day turn down some impossible party who was overcome by our +mere beauty. + +I said I'd always known this director was an unspeakable scoundrel, +because he insisted on calling me Mrs. Pettijohn. + +Then we had a nice talk about Clyde. She'd had no word for a year now, +the last being a picture card saying he would spend the winter in Egypt +with some well-known capitalists that wouldn't take no for an answer. +And did I believe he might now be wandering over the face of the earth, +sick and worn, and trying to get back to her; didn't I think some day he +would drag himself to her door, a mere wreck of his former self, to be +soothed at last on her breast? That was why she kept a light burning in +the front window of this here bungalow. He would know she had waited. + +Well, I'd never said a word against Clyde except in conversation with +myself, and I wasn't going to break out now. I did go so far as to hint +that an article that had come out about her in this same magazine might +draw Clyde back a little quicker than the light in the window. The +article said her salary was enormous. I thought its rays might carry. + +So I come home again and near a year later I get a telegram from Vida: +"Happy at last--my own has come home to me." I threw up my hands and +swore when I read this. The article had said her salary was seven hundred +and fifty dollars a week. + +The next winter I run down to see the happy couple. Vida was now looking +a good forty, but Clyde was actually looking younger than ever; not a +line nor a wrinkle to show how he had grieved for her, and not a sign of +writer's cramp from these three picture cards he had sent her in five +years. She'd been afraid he'd come back worn to the bone. + +But listen! By the time I got there Clyde was also drawing money. He'd +felt a little hurt at first to find his wife a common actress, and asked +to see her contract because you couldn't believe what you see in these +magazines. Then he'd gone round the lot and got to be an actor himself. +I gathered that he hadn't been well liked by the men at first, and two or +three other directors, when Vida insisted he should have a chance to act, +had put him into rough-house funny plays where he got thrown downstairs +or had bricks fall on him, or got beat up by a willing ex-prize fighter, +or a basket of eggs over his head, or custard pies in his perfect +features, with bruises and sprains and broken bones and so forth--I +believe the first week they broke everything but his contract. + +Anyway, when he begun to think he wasn't meant for this art, who steps in +but this same director that had made such a beast of himself with Vida? +He puts Clyde into a play in which Vida is the mother and Clyde is the +noble son that takes the crime on his shoulders to screen the brother of +the girl he loves, and it was an awful hit. Naturally Vida was never so +good before and Clyde proved to be another find. He can straighten up and +look nobler when he's wrongfully accused of a crime than any still actor +I ever see. He's got now to where they have to handle him with gloves +or he'd leave 'em flat and go with another company. Vida wrote me only +last week that they had a play for him where he's cast off on a desert +island with a beautiful but haughty heiress, and they have to live there +three months subsisting on edible foods which are found on all desert +islands. But Clyde had refused the part because he would have to grow +whiskers in this three months. He said he had to think of his public, +which would resent this hideous desecration. He thought up a bully way +to get out of it. He said he'd let the whiskers grow for a few scenes and +then find a case of safety razors washed ashore, so he could shave +himself just before the haughty millionaire's daughter confessed that she +had loved him from the first and the excursion steamer come up to rescue +'em. I believe he now admits frankly that he wrote most of the play, or +at least wrote the punch into it. A very happy couple they are, Clyde +having only one vice, which is candy that threatens his waistline. Vida +keeps a sharp watch on him, but he bribes people to sneak chocolate +creams into his dressing room. The last night I was there he sung +"Good-night, Good-night, Beloved!" so well that I choked up myself. + +Of course women are crazy about him; but that don't bother Vida a little +bit. She never wanted a husband anyway--only a son. And Clyde must have +had something wake up in his brain them years he was away. He had a queer +look in his eyes one night when he said to me--where Vida couldn't hear: +"Yes, other women have loved me, but she--she knows me and loves me!" +It's the only thing I ever heard him utter that would show he might be +above a pet kitten in intellect. + +And, of course, these letters he gets don't mean anything in his life but +advertising--Oh, yes! I forgot to tell you that his stage name is J. +Harold Armytage. He thought it up himself. And the letters coming in +by the bushel really make Vida proud. In her heart she's sorry for the +poor fools because they can't have as much of dear Clyde as she has. She +says she's never deserved her present happiness. I never know whether I +agree with her or not. + +She's a queer one. Darned if she don't make a person think +sometimes--listening to her chatter--that there must be something +kind of decent about human nature after all! + + + + +III + +RED GAP AND THE BIG-LEAGUE STUFF + + +I waited beside Ma Pettengill at the open door of the Arrowhead ranch +house. It was a moment of tranquil expectancy; presently we would be +summoned to the evening meal. Down by the barn a tired janizary pumped +water into a trough for two tired mules still in harness. Halfway down +the lane, before a mirror tacked to the wall beside the bunk-house door, +two men hurriedly combed their damp hair. Blackbirds were still noisy in +the poplars. In the field at our left a lazy lot of white-faced cattle, +large and placid, lolled or grazed on the new spring grass. + +Surveying these cattle with a fond eye--had she not that day refused all +of three hundred and twenty-five dollars a head for a score of these +pure-bred cows?--my hostess read me a brief lecture on the superior +fleshing disposition of the Hereford. No better rustler under range +conditions, said she, accumulating flesh at all ages, storing it in +seasons of plenty to draw on in seasons of want. Hadn't I noticed how +common cows got paunchy and how well the fat was distributed on the +pure-breds? + +I had not noticed, cows being more or less cows to me, but I was prepared +to look with deep respect upon any cow for which three hundred and +twenty-five dollars could be sanely refused, and I now did so. I was +told that I forgot their calves, which would be worth a hundred and sixty +dollars the day they were weaned. This made it all more impressive. I +looked respectfully again at the bulky creatures, though listening, too, +for the stealthy-stepping Lew Wee; a day in the thin spring air along a +rocky trout stream had made even cattle on the hoof suggestive. + +Ma Pettengill, with a last proud look at her jewels, swept the panoramic +camera of her eye round to the blacksmith shop on our right. Before it +were strewn the mutilated remains of four wood wagons. I had lately heard +the lady have words with Abner, the blacksmith, concerning repairs to +these. Abner himself had few of the words. They were almost entirely his +employer's. They were acutely to the effect that these here wagons would +be running again before the week was out or she would know the reason +why. The aggrieved Abner had tried to suggest that this reason she would +know would not be the right reason at all, because wasn't he already +working like a beaver? Possibly, said the lady. And beavers might be all +right in their place. What she needed at this precise time was someone +working like a blacksmith--someone! + +Over her shoulder she had flung the word at him, blackened with emphasis. + +"Any one hurt in the runaway?" I asked, observing her glance to linger +upon this snarl of wagon parts. + +"Four wagons was mortally hurt," said the lady, "but of course not a +mule skinner touched. Talk about charmed lives! Besides, they wasn't +accidents; they was just incidents. It was part of our winter sports." + +"I didn't know you had winter sports up here." + +"I didn't either till I got down to Red Gap last winter and found out +that was what we had been having. Here I been gritting along winter after +winter, calling it work, and come to find out it's what parties go a long +distance to indulge in and have to wear careful clothes for it. Yes, sir; +society is mad about it. Red Gap itself was mad about it last winter, +when it got a taste of the big-league stuff. Next winter I'll try to get +the real sporting spirit into this gang of sedentaries up here; buy 'em +uniforms and start a winter-sports club. Their ideal winter sport so far +is to calk up every chink in the bunk house, fill the air-tight stove +full of pitch pine and set down with a good book by Elinor Glyn. They +never been at all mad about romping out in the keen frosty air that sets +the blood tingling and brings back the roses to their wan cheeks. + +"Take last winter. Not knowing it was sport it seemed at times like +toil. First it snowed early and caught a lot of my cows and calves in +the mountains. While we sported round with these, working 'em down into +the valley, the weather changed. It snowed harder. Just oodles of the +most perfectly darling snow. Then distemper broke out among the saddle +horses. Then being already shorthanded, what does the fool vaquero boss +do but pick a splinter out of his thumb with a pin and get blood poison +enough to lay him off? Too much trouble for cussing. I tried that out +scientifically. So I had to get out and make a hand. If I heard someone +say I did as much as any three of these mollycoddles up here I'd just +simper in silence and look down. Only I wish I'd known it was a +fashionable winter sport. I'd of been more carefree. + +"Then come the best of our winter sports--wood hauling through the drifts +over a rocky road down the mountains. My lands, but it was jolly! On a +quiet day there'd be only one runaway, one wagon fetched to the shop in +sections, like a puzzle. Then another day all hands would seem to be +quite mad about the sport, and nothing but the skinners and the mules +would get back to camp that night--with the new outfit of harness and +the hoodlum wagon going back next morning to see what could be salvaged. + +"Finally we got the cows and calves home, got our wood in and started a +general rodeo for the dry stock--Nature's fleecy mantle getting thicker +every minute. And none of us ever suspecting that it was a sport only +the wealthy have a right to. If I'd suggested building an ice palace as +a sporty wind-up I'll bet the help wouldn't of took it right. Anyway, I +didn't. With everything under shelter or fence at last I fled down to Red +Gap, where I could lead a quiet life suitable to one of my years--where +I thought I could." + +From the doorway Lew Wee softly called, "You come now!" We both heard +him. Inside my hostess stealthily closed the door upon the gentle spring +night; closed and locked it. Furtively she next drew curtains over the +two windows. Then, candle in hand, she went lightly across the big living +room to a stern and businesslike safe that stands against the farther +wall. Kneeling before this she rapidly twirled the lock to a series of +mystic numbers and opened the formidable doors. + +"Leave us keep the home fires burning," said she impressively, and +withdrew from an exposed cavern a bottle of Scotch whisky. Standing +before the safe we drank chattily. We agreed that prohibition was a good +thing for the state of Washington. We said we were glad to deny ourselves +for the sake of those weaker natures lacking self-control, including Mr. +Bryan, whom the lady characterized as "just a water-spout." + +The bottle restored to security my hostess shut the thick doors upon it +and twirled the lock. Then she raised the curtains and reopened the door +to the innocent spring night, after which we sat to our meatless and +wheatless repast. In place of meat we sternly contented ourselves with +stewed chicken, certain of the Arrowhead fowls having refused to do their +bit in eggs and now paying the penalty in a crisis when something is +expected from everyone. In place of wheat we merely had corn muffins of a +very coaxing perfection. Even under these hardships I would patriotically +practice the gospel of the clean plate. + +As her exploring spoon wandered over the platter of half-submerged +chicken Ma Pettengill casually remarked that carefree Bohemians was +always the first to suffer under prohibition, and that you couldn't have +a really good Latin Quarter in a dry town. I let it go. I must always +permit her certain speeches of seeming irrelevance before she will +consent to tell me all. Thus a moment later as she lavished valuable +butter fat upon one of the spirituelle muffins she communicated the +further item that Cousin Egbert Floud still believed Bohemians was glass +blowers, he having seen a troupe of such at the World's Fair. He had, it +is true, known some section hands down on the narrow gauge that was also +Bohemians, but Bohemians of any class at all was glass blowers, and that +was an end of it. No use telling him different, once he gets an idea into +his poor old head. + +This, too, I let pass, overcome for the moment by the infatuating +qualities of the chicken stew. But when appetites, needlessly inflamed by +the lawless tippling, had at last been appeased and the lady had built +her first cigarette I betrayed a willingness to hear more of the hinted +connection between winter sports and Latin Quarters peopled by Bohemians, +glass-blowing or otherwise. The woman chuckled privately through the +first cigarette, adeptly fashioned another, removed to a rocking-chair +before the open fire and in a businesslike fervour seized a half-knitted +woollen sock, upon which she fell to work. + +She now remarked that there must be along the Front millions of sweaters +and wristlets and mufflers and dewdads that it looked well to knit in +public, so it seemed to be up to her to supply a few pairs of socks. She +said you naturally couldn't expect these here society dames that knitted +in theatres and hotel corridors to be knitting anything so ugly as socks, +even if they would know how to handle four needles, which they mostly +wouldn't; but someone had to do it. Without the slightest change of key +she added that it was a long story and painful in spots, but had a happy +ending, and she didn't know as she minded telling me. + +So I come down to Red Gap about December first hoping to hole up for +the winter and get thoroughly warmed through before spring. Little did +I know our growing metropolis was to be torn by dissension until you +didn't know who was speaking to who. And all because of a lady Bohemian +from Washington Square, New York City, who had crept into our midst +and started a Latin Quarter overnight. The first day I was downtown I +overheard two ladies saying something about the new Latin Quarter. That +mystified me, because I knew the town had been lidded tight since Lon +Price went out of office as mayor. Then I meet Mrs. Judge Ballard in the +Boston Cash Store and she says have I met a Miss Smith from New York who +is visiting here. I said I had not. It didn't sound exciting. Some way "a +Miss Smith" don't excite you overly, no matter where she hails from. So I +dismissed that and went on with my shopping. Next I meet Egbert Floud, +who is also down for the winter to rest beside a good coal stove, and we +ask each other what's the good word and is anything new. Cousin Egbert +says nothing is new in Red Gap except a Bohemian glass blower from +Grinitch Village, New York. He says he ain't seen her blow glass yet, +but he's going some night, because them Bohemian glass blowers down to +the fair was right fascinating, and don't I think Grinitch is a bum name +for a town? He says when I see this glass blower I'll feel like asking +animal, vegetable, or mineral, because he has seen her in the post office +with Metta Bigler and she looks like a nut. + +I tell the poor old zany he sounds simple-minded himself and I can't make +a lick of sense out of what he's said, except I know this village ain't +spelled that way. He's telling me that's the way it's spoken anyway, and +about how he brought home a glass watch chain that these Bohemians blowed +at the fair, when along come Metta Bigler herself and stops to shake +hands, so Cousin Egbert slinks off. + +I got to tell you about Metta. She's our artist; gives lessons in oil +painting and burnt wood and other refinements. People can take six +lessons off Metta and go home and burn all the Indian heads on leather +sofa pillows that you'd ever want to see. Also she can paint a pink fish +and a copper skillet and a watermelon with one slice cut out as good as +any one between here and Spokane. She's a perfectly good girl, falling on +thirty, refers to herself without a pang as a bachelor girl, and dresses +as quiet as even a school-teacher has to in a small town. + +Well, Metta rushes up to me now, all glowing and girlish, and says +I must come to her studio that very afternoon and meet her dear old +chum, Vernabelle Smith, that is visiting her from Washington Square, +New York. She and Vernabelle met when they were completing their art +education in the Latin Quarter of Chicago, and Vernabelle had gone down +to New York and got into all the new movements and among people who was +doing things, and was now very, very advanced being what you might call +an intellectual; but I would be sure to like her because she was so +delightfully Bohemian, not standing on ceremony but darting straight +to the heart of life, which is so complex to most of us who live within +convention's shell and never get in touch with the great throbbing centre +of things. She didn't say what things. It was a new line of chatter from +Metta. Usually she'd have been telling me her troubles with Chinese help, +or what a robber the Square Deal meat market was, or, at the most, how +her fruit-and-fish piece had carried off the first prize of twenty +dollars at the Kulanche County Fair. + +So I say I'll be sure to look in on her and her new friend. I reckoned +she must be the Miss Smith and the glass blower I'd already heard about +that morning. Of course "Miss Smith" didn't sound like much, but +Vernabelle Smith was different. That name Vernabelle made all the +difference in the world. You sort of forgot the ensuing Smith. + +That same afternoon about four P.M. I dropped round to the Bigler house. +Metta's mother let me in. She's a neat and precise old lady with careful +hair, but she looked scared as she let me in and led me to the door of +Metta's studio, which is a big room at the back of the house. She didn't +go in herself. She pulled it open and shut it on me quick, like it was a +lion's den or something. + +All the curtains was down, candles lighted, and the room not only hot but +full of cigarette smoke and smoke from about forty of these here punk +sticks that smoldered away on different perches. It had the smell of a +nice hot Chinese laundry on a busy winter's night. About eight or ten +people was huddled round the couch, parties I could hardly make out +through this gas attack, and everyone was gabbling. Metta come forward +to see who it was, then she pulled something up out of the group and said +"Meet dear Vernabelle." + +Well, she was about Metta's age, a short thirty, a kind of a slaty blonde +with bobbed hair--she'd been reached fore and aft--and dressed mostly in +a pale-blue smock and no stockings. Nothing but sandals. I could hardly +get my eyes off her feet at first. Very few of our justly famous sex can +afford to brave the public gaze without their stockings on. Vernabelle +could ill afford it. She was skinny, if you know what I mean, lots of +tendons and so forth, though I learned later that Vernabelle called it +being willowy. She had slaty-gray eyes and a pale, dramatic face with +long teeth and a dignified and powerful-looking nose. She was kind of +hungry-looking or soulful or something. And she wore about two yards of +crockery necklace that rattled when she moved. Sounded like that Chinaman +with his dishes out there in the kitchen. I learned later that this was +art jewellery. + +Vernabelle greeted me with many contortions like she was taking an +exercise and said she had heard so much about me and how interesting +it was to meet one who did things. I said I was merely in the cattle +business. She said "How perfect!" and clasped her hands in ecstasy over +the very idea. She said I was by way of being the ideal type for it. And +did I employ real cowboys; and they, too, must be fascinating, because +they did things. I said they did if watched; otherwise not. And did I +acquire an ascendancy over their rough natures. I said we quickly parted +forever if I didn't do that. Then she clanked across to the couch, where +she set down on her feet. I give her credit for that much judgment. That +girl never did just plain set down. It was either on one foot or on both +feet, or she draped herself along the furniture to show how willowy she +could be without its hurting. + +She now lighted a new cigarette from her old one and went on telling the +fish-faces about her how little colour she had found here. She said we +was by way of being a mere flat expanse in dull tints. But what could +be expected of a crude commercialism where the arts was by way of being +starved. Ah, it was so different from dear old Washington Square, where +one was by way of being at the heart of life. It took me some time to +get this by-way-of-being stuff, but the others was eating it up. Metta +Bigler hovered round proud as Lucifer and trying to smoke for the first +time in her life, though making poor work of it, like she was eating +the cigarette and every now and then finding bits she couldn't swallow, +and holding it off at arm's length in between bites. Mrs. Henrietta +Templeton Price was making better work of the cigarettes, and Beryl Mae +Macomber, a wealthy young society heiress and debutante, aged seventeen, +was saying that she had always felt this lack in Red Gap and would of +been in the movies long since if her aunt had listened to reason. The +only man present was Edgar Tomlinson, who is Red Gap's most prominent +first-nighter and does the Lounger-in-the-Lobby column for the Recorder, +reviewing all the new films in an able and fearless manner. Edgar was +looking like he had come into his own at last. He was wearing a flowing +tie and a collar that hardly come higher than his chest and big wind +shields on a black cord, and had his hair mussed up like a regular +Bohemian in a Sunday paper. Vernabelle was soon telling him how +refreshing it was to meet away out here one who was by way of doing +things, and she had read that very morning his review of the film +entitled A Sister of Sin, and had found it masterly in its clear-cut +analysis, but why did he waste himself here when the great world lay +open. Edgar thrust back his falling hair with a weary hand and tried to +look modest, but it was useless. Vernabelle devoted most of her chat to +Edgar. She was an incessant person but it seemed to take a man to bring +out all that was best in her. + +Pretty soon Metta went over to a table and brought back some glasses +of wine on a tray, of which all partook with more or less relish. I +recognized it from the bottle. It was elderberry wine that Metta's +mother had put up. You have to be resourceful in a dry state. + +"I'm afraid you'll all think me frightfully Bohemian," said Metta +proudly. + +Beryl Mae held her glass up to the light and said, "After all, does +anything in life really matter?" She appeared very blase in all her +desperate young beauty. She and Edgar Tomlinson looked as near right as +anything you'd see in Washington Square. Vernabelle said the true spirit +of Bohemia knew neither time nor place; it was wherever those gathered +who were doing things, and wasn't it splendid that even here in this +crude Western town a few of the real sort could meet and make their +own little quarter and talk about the big things, the lasting things! +Everyone said yes, quite so; and they all tried to handle their wine like +it was a rare old vintage. But you can't hold much wassail on the juice +of the elderberry; it ain't the most jocund stuff the world as fermented +by Metta's mother. + +However, it livened things up a bit and Vernabelle set down her glass and +chattered some more. She said after all life was anything but selective, +but didn't we think that all the arts rounded out one's appreciation +of the beautiful. Several said "How true--how true indeed!" and sighed +importantly. Then Metta said Vernabelle must show us some of her work and +Vernabelle said she could hardly bring herself to do that; but yet she +could and did, getting up promptly. She had designs for magazine covers +and designs for war posters and designs for mural decorations and designs +for oil paintings and so forth--"studies; crude, unfinished bits" she +called 'em, but in a tone that didn't urge any one else to call 'em that. + +It was mostly clouds and figures of females, some with ladies' wearing +apparel and many not, engaged in dancing or plucking fruit or doing up +their hair. Quite different stuff from Metta's innocent pictures of +kittens and grapes and daffodils. After everyone was put on the easel +Henrietta Templeton Price would stick her thumb up in the air and sight +across it with one eye shut and say "A stunning bit, that!" and the +others would gasp with delight and mutter to each other about its being +simply wonderful. + +Vernabelle listened in an all-too-negligent manner, putting in a tired +word or two now and then. She admitted that one or two was by way of +being precious bits. "Rather precious in an elemental way," she would +say. "Of course I am trying to develop the psychology of the line." +Everyone said "Oh, of course!" + +While she had one up showing part of a mottled nude lady who was smiling +and reaching one hand up over to about where her shoulder blades would +meet in the back, who should be let in on the scene but Lon Price and +Cousin Egbert Floud. Lon had called for Henrietta, and Cousin Egbert had +trailed along, I suppose, with glass blowing in mind. Vernabelle forgot +her picture and fluttered about the two new men. I guess Lon Price is a +natural-born Bohemian. He took to her at once. + +"Sit here and tell me all about yourself," says Vernabelle, and Lon did +so while the girl hung breathless on his words. In no time at all he was +telling her about Price's Addition to Red Gap, how you walk ten blocks +and save ten dollars a block and your rent money buys a home in this, +the choicest villa site on God's green earth. Vernabelle had sort of kept +hold of Cousin Egbert's sleeve with an absent hand--that girl was a man +hound if ever there was one--and pretty soon she turned from Lon to +Egbert and told him also to tell her all about himself. + +Cousin Egbert wasn't so glib as Lon. He looked nervous. He'd come +expecting a little glass blowing and here was something strange. He +didn't seem to be able to tell her all about himself. He couldn't start +good. + +"Tell me what you are reading, then," says Vernabelle; and Cousin Egbert +kind of strangled at this, too. He finally manages to say that he tried +to read Shakespere once but it was too fine print. The old liar! He +wouldn't read a line of Shakespere in letters a foot high. It just showed +that he, too, was trying to bluff along with the rest of 'em on this +Bohemian chatter. + +Vernabelle continued full of blandishment for the two men and poured 'em +out stiff hookers of this demon elderberry wine and lighted cigarettes +for 'em from hers. I don't know whether this beverage got to Lon Price +or not, but in a minute he was telling her that beauty in her sex was a +common-enough heritage, but how all-too rare it was to find beauty and +brains in the same woman! Vernabelle called him comrade after that, and +then she was telling Cousin Egbert that he was of the great outdoors--a +man's man! Egbert looked kind of silly and puzzled at this. He didn't +seem to be so darned sure about it. + +Then Vernabelle worked over by the easel--it took her about six attitudes +leaning against things, to get there--and showed her oil paintings to the +newcomers. Lon Price was full of talk and admiration and said she must +do a poster for him showing a creature of rare beauty up in the clouds +beckoning home-buyers out to Price's Addition, where it was Big Lots, +Little Payments, and all Nature seemed to smile. He said this figure, +however, had better have something in the shape of a garment on it +because the poster would go into homes where art in its broader extent +was still regarded in a suspicious or even hostile manner, if she caught +what he meant. The artist says she can readily understand, and that life +after all is anything but selective. + +Cousin Egbert just looked at the pictures in an uncomfortable manner. +He spoke only once and that was about the mottled lady reaching over +her shoulder and smiling. "Grinitch," says he with a knowing leer. But +Vernabelle only says, yes, it was painted in the dear old village. + +Then the crowd sort of got together on the couch and in chairs and +Vernabelle talked for one and all. She said how stimulating it was for a +few of the real people who did things to come together in this way after +the day's turmoil--to get away from it all! Beryl Mae said she had often +wanted to get away from it all, but her aunt was narrow-minded. Henrietta +Price lighted her ninth cigarette and said how it reminded her of the +Latin Quarter of Paris, which she had never been to, but her cousin had +spent a whole afternoon there once and had been simply wild about it. +Vernabelle said it was times like this, with a few real people, that she +got her biggest ideas; that life in the rough was too terribly a +labyrinth, didn't we think, stunning one with its immensity, while in +these dear little half-lighted moments the real came out unafraid, if +we understood what she meant. Many of us said we did. + +It was when we got up to go that Vernabelle told me things about Cousin +Egbert. She said he must have great reserve strength in his personality. +She said he fairly frightened her, he was so superbly elemental. + +"It is not so much Mr. Floud that frightens me," says she, "as the +inevitability of him--just beautifully that! And such sang fraw!" + +Poor Egbert was where he had to overhear this, and I had never seen him +less sang fraw--if that's the word. He looked more like a case of nettle +rash, especially when Vernabelle gripped his hand at parting and called +him comrade! + +We finally groped our way through the smoke of the door and said what a +lovely time we'd had, and Metta said we must make a practice of dropping +in at this hour. Vernabelle called us all comrade and said the time had +been by way of being a series of precious moments to her, even if these +little studio affairs did always leave poor her like a limp lily. Yep; +that's the term she used and she was draped down a bookcase when she said +it, trying to look as near as possible like a limp lily. + +The awestruck group split up outside. Nothing like this had ever entered +our dull lives, and it was too soon to talk about it. Cousin Egbert +walked downtown with me and even he said only a few little things. He +still called the lady a glass blower, and said if she must paint at all +why not paint family pictures that could be hung in the home. He said, +what with every barroom in the state closed, there couldn't be much +demand for them Grinitch paintings. He also said, after another block, +that if he owned this lady and wanted to get her in shape to sell he'd +put her out on short sand grass, short almost to the roots, where she'd +wear her teeth down. And a block later he said she hadn't ought to be +calling everyone comrade that way--it sounded too much like a German. +Still and all, he said, there was something about her. He didn't say +what. + +So now the Latin Quarter had begun, and in no time at all it was going +strong. It seemed like everybody had long been wanting to get away from +it all but hadn't known how. They gathered daily in Metta's studio, the +women setting round in smocks, they all took to wearing smocks, of +course, while hungry-eyed Vernabelle got the men to tell her all about +themselves, and said wasn't it precious that a few choice spirits could +thus meet in the little half-lighted hour, away from it all, and be by +way of forgetting that outer world where human souls are bartered in the +market place. + +Of course the elderberry wine was by way of giving plumb out after +the second half-lighted hour, but others come forward with cherished +offerings. Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale brought round some currant +wine that had been laid down in her cellar over a year ago, and Beryl Mae +Macomber pilfered a quart of homemade cherry brandy that her aunt had +been saving against sickness, and even Mrs. Judge Ballard kicked in with +some blackberry cordial made from her own berries, though originally +meant for medicine. + +Lon Price was a feverish Bohemian from the start, dropping in almost +every day to tell Vernabelle all about himself and get out of +convention's shell into the raw throb of life, as it was now being +called. Lon always was kind of light-minded, even after the state +went dry. He told Vernabelle he had a treasured keepsake hid away which +he would sacrifice to Bohemia at the last moment, consisting of one quart +bottle of prime old rye. And he was going to make over to her a choice +building lot in Price's Addition, right near the proposed site of the +Carnegie library, if Vernabelle would put up something snappy on it in +the way of a Latin Quarter bungalow. + +Lon also added Jeff Tuttle to the Bohemians the day that old horned toad +got down from his ranch. After going once Jeff said darned if he hadn't +been a Bohemian all his life and never knew what was the matter with him. +Vernabelle had him telling her all about himself instantly. She said he +was such a colourful bit, so virile and red-blooded, and she just knew +that when he was in his untamed wilderness he put vine leaves in his +hair and went beautifully barefoot. She said it wasn't so much him as the +inevitability of him. She'd said this about Cousin Egbert, too, but she +was now saying of this old silly that he had a nameless pathos that cut +to her artist's heart. It seems Cousin Egbert had gone round a couple +times more looking for glass blowing and getting disappointed. + +And there was new Bohemians every day. Otto Gashwiler, that keeps books +for the canning factory, and Hugo Jennings, night clerk of the Occidental +Hotel, was now prominent lights of the good old Latin Quarter passing +their spare moments there where they could get away from it all, instead +of shaking dice at the Owl cigar store, like they used to. And Oswald +Cummings of the Elite Bootery, was another. Oswald is a big fair-haired +lummox that sings tenor in the Presbyterian choir and has the young men's +Bible class in the Sabbath School. Vernabelle lost no time in telling +him that he was oh, so frankly a pagan creature, born for splendid sins; +and Otto seemed to believe it for a couple of weeks, going round absent +like as if trying to think up some sins that would be splendid, though +if any one but a Bohemian had told him this he'd have blushed himself to +death. It shows you what a hold Vernabelle was by way of getting on Red +Gap. + +It was sure one season of triumph for Metta Bigler, who lurked proudly +in the background as manager. Metta's mother wasn't near so thrilled as +Metta, though. She confided to me that Bohemians was a messy lot to clean +up after, raining cigarette ashes over everything; and also it was pretty +hard to have raised a child to Metta's age only to see her become a +cigarette fiend overnight, and having these mad revels with currant +wine and other intoxicants--and Metta was even using a lip stick! + +And Metta's mother wasn't the only one in town looking sidewise at these +Bohemian doings. There was them that held aloof from the beginning and +would give their bitter reasons at every opportunity. These was the +ultra-conservative element of the North Side set, and what they said +about the new Latin Quarter was a plenty. They said it was mostly an +excuse for drunken orgies in which all sense of decency was cast aside, +to say nothing of cigarettes being brazenly smoked by so-called ladies. +They said this here talk about getting away from it all meant the ruin +of the home upon which all durable civilization must be built; and as +for wives and mothers going round without their stockings look at what +befell proud Rome! And it was time something was done to stem this tide +of corruption. + +Mrs. Cora Wales and Mrs. Tracy Bangs, president and vice-president of our +anti-tobacco league, was the leaders of this movement and sent in a long +complaint to the chamber of commerce urging instant action or a foul blot +would be splashed on the fair name of our city, to say nothing of homes +being broken up. They was ably backed up in this move by a committee from +the civic purity league. + +And of course this added to the attractions of the Latin Quarter, giving +each Bohemian a new thrill. Vernabelle said it was by way of being +ancient history; that from time immemorial these little groups of choice +spirits who did things had been scorned and persecuted, but that every +true Bohemian would give a light laugh and pursue his carefree way, +regardless of the Philistine And so it went, venomous on both sides, but +with Vernabelle holding the bridge. She'd brought new stuff to town and +had a good working majority in favour of it. + +Downtown one day I met Metta in the Red Front grocery buying olives and +sardines in an excited way. I suppose it's for one of her unspeakable +orgies, but she tells me it's something special and I must be sure to +come. + +"Dear Vernabelle," she says, "has consented to give an evening cycle of +dance portrayals for just a few of the choicer spirits. I know there has +been dreadful talk about our little group, but this will be a stunning +bit and you are broad-minded, so do come." + +I could just see Vernabelle consenting, almost peevishly; but it sounded +like it might be disorderly enough, so I says I'll come if she promises +to leave at least one window down at the top, me not having a gas mask. + +Metta thinks a minute, then says she guesses she can leave one window +down a mite; not much, on account of the nature of Vernabelle's dance +costume. I says if such is to be the nature of her costume I'll come +anyway and risk being gassed. Metta chides me gravely. She says the +costume is perfectly proper to the artist eye, being a darling little +early Greek thing; built on simple lines that follow the figure, it is +true, yet suggest rather than reveal, and if the early Greeks saw no harm +in it why should we? I tell her to say no more, but reserve me a ringside +seat, though near a window if one can be opened; say, as far as the early +Greeks would have done at such a time, on account of the punk sticks. + +And of course I wouldn't miss it. I'm there at eight-thirty and find +quite a bunch of Latin Quarter denizens already gathered and full of +suppressed emotion. The punk sticks, of course, are going strong. +Vernabelle in a pink kimono says they supply atmosphere; which is the +only joke I ever heard her get off, if she knew it was one. Bohemians +Lon Price and Jeff Tuttle are hanging over the punch bowl, into which +something illegal has been poured. Jeff is calling Vernabelle little +woman and telling her if worse comes to worst they might try being +Bohemians on a mixture his men up on the ranch thought of for a New +Year's celebration. He says they took a whole case of vanilla extract +and mixed it with one dozen cans of condensed milk, the vanilla having +a surprising kick in it and making 'em all feel like the good old days +next morning. + +Vernabelle says he reminds her of some untamed creature of the open, +some woodsy monster of the dells, and Jeff says that's just what he feels +like. He's going on to tell her some more about what he feels like, but +Vernabelle is now greeting Oswald Cummings, the pagan of splendid sins, +from the Elite Bootery. She tells Oswald there is a cold cruelty in the +lines of his face that reminds her of the emperor Nero. + +Finally about twenty choice spirits who did things was gathered for this +half-lighted hour, so everybody set down on chairs and the couch and the +floor, leaving a clear space for Vernabelle; and Professor Gluckstein, +our music teacher, puts down his meerschaum pipe and goes to the piano +and plays a soft piece. The prof is a German, but not a pro-German, and +plays first rate in the old-fashioned way, with his hands. Then, when +all the comrades get settled and their cigarettes lighted, the prof +drifted into something quite mournful and Vernabelle appeared from +behind a screen without her kimono. + +The early Greeks must of been strong on art jewellery. Vernabelle clanked +at every step with bracelets and anklets and necklaces. She had a +priceless ruby weighing half a pound fastened to the middle of her +bony forehead. Her costume was spangled, but not many spangles had been +needed. The early Greeks couldn't of been a dressy lot. If Vernabelle had +been my daughter I could of give her what she deserved with almost no +trouble. The costume, as Metta had said, not only followed the lines +of the figure, so far as it went anywhere at all, but it suggested and +almost revealed that Vernabelle had been badly assembled. The Bohemians +kind of gasped and shivered, all except Jeff Tuttle, who applauded +loudly. They seemed to feel that Vernabelle was indeed getting away +from it all. + +Then came this here cycle-of-dance portrayals. The first one wasn't much +dance; it was mostly slow, snaky motions with the arms and other things, +and it was to portray a mother cobra mourning her first-born. At least +that's the way I understood it. Another one was called "The Striving +Soul," to which the prof played something livelier. Vernabelle went round +and round, lifting her feet high. It looked to me like she was climbing +a spiral staircase that wasn't there. Then she was a hunted fawn in a +dark forest and was finally shot through the heart by a cruel hunter--who +was probably nearsighted. And in the last one she was a Russian peasant +that has got stewed on vodka at the Russian county fair. This was the +best one. You couldn't see her so well when she moved quick. + +Of course there was hearty applause when it was all over, and pretty soon +Vernabelle come out again in her kimono. Panting like a tuckered hound +she was when the comrades gathered to tell her how wonderful she had +been. + +"That music tears me," says Vernabelle, putting her hands to her chest +to show where it tore. "That last maddening Russian bit--it leaves me +like a limp lily!" So she was led to the punch bowl by Comrades Price +and Tuttle, with the others pushing after and lighting cigarettes for +her. + +It was agreed that the evening had been a triumph for Vernabelle's art. +Almost every Bohemian present, it seemed, had either been tore or +maddened by that last Russian bit. + +Vernabelle was soon saying that if she had one message for us it was the +sacred message of beauty. Jeff Tuttle says, "You've certainly delivered +it, little woman!" Vernabelle says, oh, perhaps, in her poor, weak +way--she was being a limp lily against the piano then--but art is a +terrible master to serve, demanding one's all. Comrade Price says what +more could she give than she has to-night. And then, first thing I +know, they're all talking about an intimate theatre. + +This was another part of Vernabelle's message. It seems intimate theatres +is all the rage in New York, and the Bigler barn is just the place to +have one in. Vernabelle says they will use the big part where the hay +used to be and paint their own scenery and act their own plays and thus +find a splendid means of self-expression the way people of the real sort +are doing in large cities. + +Everyone is wild about this in a minute, and says how quaint and jolly +Bohemian it will be. The Bigler barn is just the place, with no horse +there since Metta bought one of the best-selling cars that ever came out +of Michigan, and Vernabelle says she has written a couple of stunning +little one-act pieces, too powerful for the big theatres because they go +right to the throbbing raw of life, and it will be an inspiration and +uplift to the community, of which all present can be proud. Lon Price +says he will furnish a good drop curtain free, painted with a choice +nine-room villa with just a line mentioning Price's Addition to Red Gap, +Big Lots, Little Payments. And he's quite hurt when Vernabelle tells him +no, that they must keep entirely out of the slime of commercialism. I +don't think Lon ever again felt the same toward Vernabelle--calling his +business slime, that way. + +However, the party broke up full of plans for the new intimate theatre, +leaving an empty punch bowl and a million cigarette ends. + +And right here was where the Philistine opposition braided feathers in +its hair and done a war dance. Members of the little group that did +things spoke freely the next day of Vernabelle's art in the dance and her +early Greek costume, taking a mean enjoyment in the horror they inspired +among pillars of the church and the civic purity league. It is probable +that in their artistic relish they endowed Vernabelle with even fewer +clothes than she had wore. At any rate, they left a whole lot to be +inferred, and it promptly was inferred. + +The opposition now said this was no job for a chamber of commerce; it +had become a simple matter for the police. The civic purity league had +a special meeting at which the rind was peeled off Vernabelle's moral +character, and the following Sabbath one of the ministers gave a hot +sermon in which the fate of Babylon and a few other undesirable residence +centres mentioned in the Bible was pointed out. He said that so-called +Bohemia was the gateway to hell. He never minced his words, not once. + +And the Latin Quarter come in for some more shock assaults when the +talk about an intimate theatre in the Bigler barn got out. The regular +theatre was bad enough, said the civic purity league; in fact, they had +started a campaign against that the month before, right after a one-night +engagement of the Jolly Paris Divorcees Burlesque Company, which, I +gathered, had not upheld the very highest standards of dramatic art. +And if the town was going to stand for anything more intimate than this +show had provided, why, it was time for drastic action if any wholesome +family life was to be saved from the wreck. + +Feeling ran high, I want to tell you, and a few of the younger set fell +out of the ranks of good old Bohemia--or was yanked out. Luella Stultz's +father, who is old-fashioned, it was said, had give Luella a good licking +for smoking cigarettes, and old Jesse Himebaugh had threatened his +daughter Gussie with the reform school if she didn't stop trying to get +away from it all. Even Beryl Mae's aunt put her foot down. Beryl Mae met +me in the post office one day and says auntie won't let her be a Bohemian +any more, having threatened to take her new ukulele away from her if she +goes to that Latin Quarter another single time; and poor Beryl Mae having +hoped to do a Hawaiian dance in native costume for the intimate theatre, +where it wouldn't be misunderstood! + +Things was just in this shape, with bitterness on every side and old +friends not speaking, and the opposition passing the Bohemians on the +street with the frown of moral disgust, and no one knowing how it would +all end, when I hear that Cora Wales has a niece coming from New York to +visit her--a Miss Smith. I says to myself, "My lands! Here's another Miss +Smith from New York when it looks to me like the one we got is giving us +a plenty of the big league stuff." But I meet Cora Wales and learn that +this one's first name is Dulcie, which again seemed to make a difference. + +Cora says this Dulcie niece is one of New York's society leaders and +she's sorry she invited her, because what kind of a town is it in which +to introduce a pure young girl that never smoked or drank in her life and +whose people belong to one of the very most exclusive churches in the +city. She had hoped to give Dulcie a good time, but how can she sully +herself with any of our young people that have took up Bohemianism? She +being fresh from her social triumphs in New York, where her folks live +in one of the very most fashionable apartment houses on Columbus Avenue, +right in the centre of things and next to the elevated railway, will +be horrified at coming to a town where society seems to be mostly a +little group of people who do things they hadn't ought to. + +Dulcie is a dear girl and very refined, everything she wears being +hand embroidered, and it would of been a good chance for Red Gap to get +acquainted with a young society girl of the right sort, but with this +scandal tearing up the town it looks like the visit will be a failure +for all parties. + +I tell Cora on the contrary it looks like a good chance to recall the +town to its better self. If this here Dulcie is all that is claimed for +her she can very probably demolish the Latin Quarter and have us all +leading correct society lives in no time, because the public is fickle +and ever ready for new stuff, and as a matter of fact I suspect the Latin +Quarter is in a bad way because of everything in town of an illegal +character having been drunk up by the comrades. Me? I was trying to get +some new life into the fight, understand, being afraid it would die +natural and leave us to a dull winter. + +Cora's eyes lighted up with a great hope and she beat it off to the +Recorder office to have a piece put in the paper about Dulcie's coming. +It was a grand piece, what with Cora giving the points and Edgar +Tomlinson writing it. It said one of Gotham's fair daughters would winter +in our midst, and how she was a prominent society leader and an ornament +of the fast hunting set, noted for her wit and beauty and dazzling +costumes, and how a series of brilliant affairs was being planned in her +honour by her hostess and aunt, Mrs. Leonard Wales, Red Gap's prominent +society matron and representative of all that was best in our community, +who would entertain extensively at her new and attractive home in Price's +Addition. And so forth. + +I'm bound to say it created a flurry of interest among the younger +dancing set, and more than one begun to consider whether they would +remain loyal to Bohemia or plunge back into society once more, where +stockings are commonly wore, and smoking if done at all is hurriedly +sneaked through out on the porch or up in the bathroom. + +From Cora's description I was all prepared to find Dulcie a tall, +stately creature of twenty-eight, kind of blase and haggard from her +wearing social duties in New York. But not so. Not so at all. Cora had +invitations out for a tea the day after Dulcie come; invitations, that +is, to the non-Bohemians and such as had reformed or give good signs of +it. I don't know which head I got in under. And this Dulcie niece was +nothing but a short, fat, blond kid of seventeen or eighteen that had +never led any society whatever. You could tell that right quick. + +She was rapidly eating cream-cheese sandwiches when I was presented to +her. I knew in one look that society had never bothered Dulcie any. +Victuals was her curse. In the cattle business it ain't riding +disrespectful horses that gets you the big money; it's being able to +guess weights. And if Dulcie pulled a pound less than one hundred and +eighty then all my years of training has gone for naught. She was +certainly big-framed stock and going into the winter strong. Between +bites of sandwich, with a marshmallow now and then, she was saying that +she was simply crazy about the war, having the dandiest young French +soldier for a godson and sending him packages of food and cigarettes +constantly, and all the girls of her set had one, and wasn't it the +darlingest idea. + +And her soldier was only twenty-two, though his beard made him look more +mature, and he wrote such dandy letters, but she didn't suppose there +would ever be anything between them because papa was too busy with his +coal yard to take her over there. + +As the girl chattered on it didn't seem to me that our Latin Quarter was +in the slightest danger from her. Still, some of the girls that was there +seemed quite impressed or buffaloed by her manner. One idea she give out +now was new in Red Gap. She had all her rings named after meals. She had +a breakfast ring and a dinner ring and a supper ring and a banquet ring, +and Daisy Estelle Maybury admired the necklace she had on, and Dulcie +said that was a mere travelling necklace; and how did they like this cute +little restaurant frock she was wearing? A little dressmaker over on +Amsterdam Avenue had turned it out. All the parties she dealt with, +apparently, was little. She had a little dressmaker and a little hair +woman and a little manicure and a little florist, and so forth. She'd +et five cream-cheese sandwiches by this time, in spite of its being quite +painful for her to pick up a dropped napkin. Dulcie didn't fold over +good. You could tell here was a girl that had never tried to get away +from it all. She wanted to be right where it was. + +Pretty soon one of the girls said something about the Bohemians of the +Latin Quarter, probably aiming to show this New York chatterbox that Red +Gap wasn't so far west as it looked. But Dulcie gave 'em the laugh. She +said oh, dear, New York society had simply quit taking up Bohemians, it +not being considered smart any longer, and did we really take them up +here? The girls backed up at this. And Dulcie went on being superior. She +said of course society people now and then made up a party and went down +to Washington Square to look them over, but as for taking them up, oh, +dear, no! It was more like a slumming party. One could stare at them, +but one simply didn't know them. + +And perhaps, if she could get Aunt Cora to chaperon them, they might make +up one of these slumming parties some evening and go down to Red Gap's +Latin Quarter; it might be amusing. Cora Wales glistened at this. She +said she guessed people could now see how such goings-on were regarded by +society in the true sense of the word. And it did give the girls a chill, +calling the Bigler home a slum. But I still didn't see any stuff in +Dulcie to vanquish Vernabelle. + +And I didn't see it a minute later when Dulcie wolfed her tenth +marshmallow and broke out about winter sports. She first said what +perfectly darling snow we had here. This caused some astonishment, no +one present having ever regarded snow as darling but merely as something +to shovel or wade through. So Dulcie pronged off a piece of sticky +chocolate cake and talked on. She said that everyone in New York was +outdooring, and why didn't we outdoor. It was a shame if we didn't go +in for it, with all this perfectly dandy snow. New York people had to +go out of town for their winter sports, owing to the snow not being good +for sport after it fell there; but here it was right at hand, and did we +mean to say we hadn't organized a winter-sports club. + +No one spoke, for no one could guess what you did to outdoor properly. +About all they could think of was hustling out after another chunk for +the fireplace or bringing a scuttle of coal up from the cellar. But they +soon got the idea. Dulcie said right from this window she could see a +corking hill for a toboggan slide, and it would be perfectly darling to +be out there with plenty of hot coffee and sandwiches; and there must be +some peachy trips for snowshoe parties with sandwiches and coffee at the +end; or skating in the moonlight with a big bonfire and coffee and +sandwiches. + +She suggested other things with coffee and sandwiches and finally got +up some real enthusiasm when she said she had brought some of the dearest +sport toggery with her. The girls was excited enough when they found out +you had to dress especial for it. They was willing to listen to anything +like that if New York society was really mad about it, even if it +conflicted with lifelong habits--no one in Red Gap but small boys +having ever slid downhill. + +And still I didn't suspect Dulcie was going to groundsluice Vernabelle. +It looked like the Latin Quarter would still have the best of it, at +least during a cold winter. Which goes to show that you can't tell what +society will go mad about, even in Red Gap, when you can dress for it. + +The girls had got a line on Dulcie and was properly impressed by her, and +then with an evening affair at the Wales home the dancing men had their +chance. Even some of the Bohemians was let to come, just to have 'em see +that there was indeed a better life; and reports of Dulcie was such that +all took advantage of it. The male sex was strong for the girl at once. +She didn't know that life is anything but selective, or that all the arts +round out one's appreciation of the beautiful, or that anything was "by +way of being" something. But all the food she took didn't make her +torpid; she giggled easily and had eyes like hothouse grapes, and in +spite of her fat there was something about her, like Cousin Egbert said +of Vernabelle. Anyway, she prevailed. Oswald Cummings, the pagan, for +one, quickly side-stepped his destiny of splendid sins, and Hugo Jennings +told Dulcie he had merely gone to this Latin Quarter as he would go to an +animal show, never having meant for one moment to take Bohemians up, any +more than New York society would. + +First thing I hear, the winter-sports club has been organized, snowshoes +sent for and a couple of toboggans, and a toboggan slide half a mile +long made out in Price's Addition, starting at the top of the highest +hill, where Lon's big board sign with the painted bungalow made a fine +windshield, and running across some very choice building lots to the +foot of the grade, where it stopped on the proposed site of the Carnegie +Library. Lon was very keen about the sport himself after meeting Dulcie, +and let a fire be built near his sign that burned it down one night, but +he said it was all good advertising, more than he'd ever got out of being +a Bohemian. + +Of course there was a great deal of fuss about the proper sport toggery, +but everyone got rigged out by the time the toboggans got there. Dulcie +was a great help in this and was downtown every day advising one or +another about the proper sweaters or blanket coats or peaked caps with +tassels, or these here big-eyed boots. You'd meet her in a store with +Stella Ballard, eating from a sack of potato chips; and half an hour +later she'd be in another store with Daisy Estelle Maybury, munching from +a box of ginger wafers; with always a final stop at the Bon Ton Kandy +Kitchen for a sack of something to keep life in her on the way home. +There really got to be so much excitement about winter sports that you +hardly heard any more talk about the Latin Quarter. People got to +speaking to each other again. + +By the opening day of the sports club you wouldn't of thought any one in +town had ever tried to get away from it all. Even them that thought it +crazy came and stood round and said so. Cousin Egbert Floud said this +Dulcie was some sparrow, but nutty--going out in the cold that way when +nothing drove her out. Dulcie made a great hit with the club this first +day, having the correct Canadian toggery and being entirely fearless in +the presence of a toboggan. She'd zip to the bottom, come tramping back, +shooting on all six, grab a sandwich--for not a morsel of food had passed +her lips since she went down the time before--and do it all over again. +And every last ex-Bohemian, even Edgar Tomlinson, fighting for the chance +to save her from death by starvation! Dulcie played no favourites, being +entranced with 'em all. She said they was the dearest gentleman friends +she'd ever had. The way they was fighting for her favours she could of +called 'em her gentleman frenzy. Ain't I the heinous old madcap, thinking +of jokes like that? + +Next day there was a snowshoe trip up to Stender's spring and back by way +of the tie camp. Dulcie hadn't ever snowshoed and it wasn't any light +matter when her shoes threw her down--requiring about three of the +huskiest boys to up-end her--but she was game and the boys was game and +she was soon teaching snowshoeing shoes how to take a joke. And from that +on winter sports ruled in Red Gap. The chamber of commerce even talked of +building an ice palace next year and having a carnival and getting the +town's name in the papers. Oh, there certainly must of been a surprised +lot of snow round there that winter. Nothing like this had ever happened +to it before. + +And all being done on nothing stronger than coffee, with hardly a +cigarette and never anything that was by way of being a punk stick in a +closed room. It was certainly a lot healthier than a Latin Quarter for +these young people, and for the old ones, too. Dulcie had sure put one +large crimp into Bohemia, even if she could not be justly called an +intellectual giantess. + +And Vernabelle knew who to blame, too, when the little group quit coming +round to get away from it all. She knew it was Dulcie. She said that +Dulcie seemed to be a pampered society butterfly that devoted all her +thoughts to dress. This was repeated to Dulcie by an ex-Bohemian, but she +found no poison in it. She said of course she devoted all her thoughts to +dress; that a young girl with her figure had to if she ever expected to +get anywhere in the world. + +Even ex-comrade Lon Price would now shut his office at four o'clock every +day and go up on the hill and outdoor a bit, instead of getting away from +it all in a smoky Bohemian way. Besides he'd had a difference of opinion +with Vernabelle about the poster she was doing for him, the same being +more like an advertisement for some good bath soap, he said, than for +choice villa sites. + +"I don't know anything about art," says Lon, "but I know what my wife +likes." Which left Vernabelle with another design on her hands and +brought Comrade Price out of Bohemia. + +Even if Dulcie's winter sports hadn't done the trick I guess it would of +been done easy by her report that Bohemians was no longer thought to be +smart in New York, Red Gap being keenly sensitive in such matters. Metta +Bigler's mother firmly turned out the half-lights in Bohemia when she +heard of this talk of Dulcie's. I don't blame her. She didn't one bit +relish having her neat home referred to as a slum, say nothing of having +her only child using a lip stick and acting like an abandoned woman with +cigarettes and the wine cup. + +She said just that to me, Metta's mother did. She said she had heard that +New York was all broken up into social sets, the same way Red Gap is, and +if Bohemians wasn't being took up by the better element in New York, then +they shouldn't be took up by the better element of Red Gap--at least not +in any home of which the deed was still in her name. She said of course +she couldn't keep Metta's guest from being a Bohemian, but she would have +to be it alone. She wasn't going to have a whole mob coming round every +day and being Bohemians all over the place, it being not only messy but +repugnant alike to sound morality and Christian enlightenment. And that +settled it. Our town was safe for one more winter. Of course God only +knows what someone may start next winter. We are far off from things, +but by no means safe. + +Cousin Egbert was kind of sorry for Vernabelle. He said if she'd just +stuck to plain glass blowing she might of got by with it. He's a wonder, +that man--as teachable as a granite bowlder. + +My Godfrey! Ten-thirty, and me having to start the spring sport of ditch +cleaning to-morrow morning at seven! Won't I ever learn! + + + + +IV + +VENDETTA + + +By the evening lamp in the Arrowhead living room I did my bit, for the +moment, by holding a hank of gray wool for Ma Pettengill to wind. While +this minor war measure went forward the day's mail came. From a canvas +sack Lew Wee spilled letters and papers on the table. Whereupon the yarn +was laid by while Ma Pettengill eagerly shuffled the letters. She thought +fit to extenuate this eagerness. She said if people lived forever they +would still get foolishly excited over their mail; whereas everyone +knew well enough that nothing important ever came in it. To prove this +she sketched a rapid and entirely unexciting summary of the six unopened +letters she held. + +One of them, she conceded, might be worth reading; and this she laid +aside. Of the remaining five she correctly guessed the contents of four. +Of the fifth she remarked that it would be from a poor feckless dub with +a large family who had owed her three hundred dollars for nine years. She +said it would tell a new hard-luck tale for non-payment of a note now due +for the eighth time. Here she was wrong. The letter inclosed a perfectly +new note for four hundred and fifty dollars; and would Mrs. Pettengill +send on the extra one hundred and fifty dollars that would enable the +debtor to get on his feet and pay all his debts, as there was a good +season of hog buying ahead of him! + +"I guessed wrong," admitted the lady. "I certainly did that little man an +injustice, not suspecting he could think up something novel after nine +years." Grimly she scanned the new note. "As good as a treaty with +Germany!" she murmured and threw it aside, though I knew that the old +note and the new hundred and fifty would go forward on the morrow; for +she had spoken again of the debtor's large family. She said it was +wonderful what good breeders the shiftless are. + +"Ain't I right, though, about the foolish way people fly at their mail?" +she demanded. "You might think they'd get wise after years and years +of being fooled; but--no, sir! Take me day after to-morrow, when the +next mail comes. I'll fall on it like I fell on this, with all my old +delusions uninjured. There sure does seem to be a lot of human nature +in most of us." + +Then she opened the possibly interesting letter that had been put aside. +The envelope, at least, was interesting, bearing as it did the stamp of +a military censor for the American Expedition to France. + +"You remember Squat Tyler, that long cow-puncher working for me when you +were here last time?" + +I remembered Squat, who was indeed a long cow-puncher--long enough to be +known, also, to his intimates as Timberline. + +"Well, Squat is over there in the trenches helping to make the world a +pleasant place to live in. He's a good shot, too." + +The lady read the letter hurriedly to herself; then regaled me with bits +of it. + +"The life here is very," she read. "That's all he says, at first--'The +life here is very.' I should judge it might be that from what I read in +the papers. Or mebbe he couldn't just think of the word. Let's see! +What else? Oh, yes--about digging. He says he didn't take to digging at +first, not having gone there for any common purpose, but one day he was +told to dig, and while he was thinking up something to say a million guns +began to go off; so he dug without saying a word. Hard and fast he says +he dug. He says: 'If a badger would of been there he would of been in my +way.' I'll bet! Squat wouldn't like to be shot at in all seriousness. +What next? Here he says I wouldn't dream what a big outfit this here U.S. +outfit is; he says it's the biggest outfit he ever worked for--not even +excepting Miller & Lux. What next? Oh, yes; here he tells about getting +one. + +"'Last night I captured a big fat enemy; you know--a Heinie. It was as +dark as a cave, but I heard one snooping close. I says to my pardner I +keep hearing one snoop close; and he says forget it, because my hive is +swarming or something; and I says no; I will go out there and molest that +German. So I sneaked over the bank and through our barbed-wire fence that +everyone puts up here, and out a little ways to where I had heard one +snoop; and, sure enough--what do you think? He seen me first and knocked +my gun out of my hands with the butt of his. It got me mad, because it is +a new gun and I am taking fine care of it; so I clanched him'--that's +what Squat says, clanched. 'And, first, he run his finger into my right +eye, clear up to the knuckle it felt like; so I didn't say a word, but +hauled off quick and landed a hard right on the side of his jaw and +dropped him just like that. It was one peach I handed him and he slumped +down like a sack of mush. I am here to tell you it was just one punch, +though a dandy; but he had tried to start a fight, so it was his own +fault. So I took all his weapons away and when he come alive I kicked him +a few times and made him go into the U.S. trenches. He didn't turn out to +be much--only a piano tuner from Milwaukee; and I wish it had of been a +general I caught snooping. I certainly did molest him a-plenty, all +right. Just one punch and I brought him down out of control. Ha! Ha! The +life here is very different.' + +"There; that must of been what he tried to say at the beginning--'The +life here is very different.' I should think he'd find it so, seeing the +only danger that boy was ever in here was the sleeping sickness." + +Hereupon the lady removed the wrapper from a trade journal and scanned +certain market quotations. They pleased her little. She said it was +darned queer that the war should send every price in the world up but the +price of beef, beef quotations being just where the war had found them. +Not that she wanted to rob any one! Still and all, why give everyone a +chance but cattle raisers? She muttered hugely of this discrimination +and a moment later seemed to be knitting her remarks into a gray sock. +The mutterings had gradually achieved the coherence of remarks. And I +presently became aware that the uninflated price of beef was no longer +their burden. + +They now concerned the singular reticence of all losers of fist fights. +Take Squat's German. Squat would be telling for the rest of his life how +he put that Wisconsin alien out with one punch. But if I guessed the +German would be telling it as often as Squat told it I was plumb foolish. +He wouldn't tell it at all. Losers never do. Any one might think that +parties getting licked lost their powers of speech. Not so with the +winners of fights; not so at all! + +At this very minute, while we sat there in that room at a quarter past +eight, all over the wide world modest-seeming men were telling how they +had licked the other man with one punch, or two or three at the most. It +was being told in Kulanche County, Washington, and in Patagonia and +Philadelphia and Africa and China, and them places; in clubs and lumber +camps and Pullman cars and ships and saloons--in states that remained +free of the hydrant-headed monster, Prohibition--in tents and palaces; in +burning deserts and icy wastes. At that very second, in an ice hut up by +the North Pole, a modest Eskimo was telling and showing his admiring wife +and relatives just how he had put out another Eskimo that had come round +and tried to start something. Which was another mystery, the man winning +the fight being always put upon and invariably in the right. In every one +of these world-wide encounters justice always prevailed and only the +winner talked about it afterward. + +"And lots of times," continued the lady, "this talkative winner has been +set upon by as many as three others. But he licks 'em all. Sometimes he +admits he had a little luck with the third man; but he gets two of the +cowards easy. Why, down in Red Gap only the other night I saw a kind of a +slight young man in a full-dress suit lick three big huskies that set on +him. He put two out with a punch apiece and got the third after about one +round of sparring. There he stood winner over all three, and hardly his +hair mussed; and you wouldn't of thought in the beginning that he could +lick one of the bunch. It was a good picture, all right, with this fight +coming in the first reel to start things off lively. But what I want to +know is why, out of these million fights that come off, you never hear a +word out of a loser! I'll bet all my Liberty Bonds right now that you +never yet heard a man tell about how he was licked in a fair fight." + +I had to decline the wager. The most I could submit was that I had heard +some plausible excuses. The lady waved her entire knitting in +deprecation. + +"Oh, excuses! You hear 'em a-plenty when the loser can't deny he was +licked. Most losers will odd things along till they sound even. I heard a +lovely excuse down in Red Gap. Hyman Leftowitz, who does business there +as Abercrombie, the Quality Tailor, made a suit for Eddie Pierce that +drives the depot hack, and Eddie was slow pay. So Hyman lost his native +tact one night and dunned Eddie when he was walking down Fourth Street +with his girl. Eddie left his girl in at the Owl Drug Store and went back +and used Hyman hard; and all Hyman did was to yell 'Help!' and 'Murder!' +I was in his shop for a fitting next day and Hyman's face arrested the +attention much more than usual. It showed that Eddie had done something +with him. So I says: 'Why didn't you fight back? What was your fists +for?' And Hyman says: 'I pledge you my word I didn't know it was a +fight.' Oh, excuses--sure! But that ain't what I'm getting at. You've +heard the winners talk, like we all have, how they did it with the good +old right hook to the jaw, or how they landed one straight left and all +was over; but did you ever hear any talk from a loser without excuses, +one who come out plain and said he was licked by a better man?" + +We debated this briefly. We agreed that the reticence of losers is due +to something basic in human nature; a determination of the noblest sort +to disregard failure--that is, Ma Pettengill said you couldn't expect +everything of human nature when it had its earrings in, and I agreed in +as few words as would suffice. I had suddenly become aware that the woman +was holding something back. The signs in her discourse are not to be +mistaken. I taxed her with this. She denied it. Then she said that, even +if she was holding back something, it was nothing to rave about. Just an +anecdote that this here talk about fighting characters had reminded her +of. She wouldn't of thought of it even now if Ben Steptoe hadn't told her +last spring why he didn't lick his Cousin Ed that last time. And this +here Ed Steptoe was the only honest male she had ever known. But that +was because something was wrong in his head, he being a born nut. And +it wasn't really worth going back over; but--well--she didn't know. +Possibly. Anyway-- + +These Steptoe cousins come from a family back in the East that was remote +kin to mine and they looked me up in Red Gap when they come out into the +great boundless West to carve out a name for themselves. About fifteen +years ago they come. Ben was dark and short and hulky, with his head +jammed down between his shoulders. Ed was blond and like a cat, being +quick. Ben had a simple but emphatic personality, seeing what he wanted +and going for it, and that never being more than one thing at a time. Ed +was all over the place with his own aspirations and never anything long +at a time; kind of a romantic temperament, or, like they say in stories, +a creature of moods. He was agent for the Home Queen sewing machine when +he first come out. But that didn't mean sewing machines was his life +work. He'd done a lot of things before that, like lecturing for a +patent-medicine professor and canvassing for crayon portraits with a +gold frame, and giving lessons in hypnotism, and owning one-half or +a two-headed pig that went great at county fairs. + +Ben had come along the year before Ed and got a steady job as brakeman +on the railroad, over on the Coeur d'Alene Branch. He told me he was +going to make railroading his life work and had started in at the bottom, +which was smart of him, seeing he'd just come off a farm. They probably +wouldn't of let him start in at the top. Anyway, he was holding down his +job as brakeman when Ed sailed in, taking orders for the Home Queen, and +taking 'em in plenty, too, being not only persuasive in his methods but +a wizard on this here sewing machine. He could make it do everything +but play accompaniments for songs--hemming, tucking, frilling, fancy +embroidering. He knew every last little dingus that went on it; things +I certainly have never learned in all my life, having other matters on my +mind. He'd take a piece of silk ribbon and embroider a woman's initials +on it in no time at all, leaving her dead set to have this household +treasure. + +But Ed had tired of sewing machines, like he had of hypnotism and the +double-headed Berkshire; and he never kept at anything a minute after it +quit exciting him. Ben come down to Red Gap to see his cousin and they +had quite a confab about what Ed should next take up for his life work. +Ben said it was railroading for his, and some day he'd be a general +manager, riding round in his private car and giving orders right and +left, though nothing but a humble brakeman now, and finally he talked Ed +into the same exalted ambitions. Ed said he had often wanted to ride in a +private car himself, and if it didn't take too long from the time you +started in he might give railroading a chance to show what it could do +for him. Ben said all right, come over with him and he'd get him started +as brakeman, with a fine chance to work up to the top. + +So, after infesting a few more houses with the Home Queen, Ed went +into his new profession. He told me, the last thing, that, even if he +didn't stick till he got to the top, it was, anyway, a fine chance for +adventure, which was really the thing he had come west of Chicago for. +He said night and day he pined for adventure. + +He got his adventure right soon after the company's pay roll was adorned +with his name. He'd been twisting up brakes on freight cars for ten days +till the life looked tame to him, even with a private car at the end, +and then all his wildest dreams of adventure was glutted in something +like four minutes and thirty seconds. On this eleventh day after he'd +begun at the bottom he started to let two big freight cars loaded with +concentrates down the spur track, from one of the mines at Burke, having +orders to put 'em where the regular train for Wallace could pick 'em up. +Burke is seven miles up the canon from Wallace and the grade drops two +hundred and thirty-five feet to the mile, being a masterpiece of +engineering. Ed gets his two cars to the main line, all right, whistling +a careless ditty. Then when they should of stopped they did not. They +kept sneaking and creaking along on him. He couldn't get the brake of +the forward car up very tight, and in setting the brake of the rear car, +with a brakeman's stick for a lever, he broke the chain. Then his two +cars really started out looking for adventure. + +Ed admits that he had the thrill of his life for seven miles. I guess his +wildest cravings for adventure was appeased for the time. He flattened +out at the rear end of the last car and let the scenery flash by. He said +afterward it looked just one blurred mess to him. His two cars dropped +the sixteen hundred and forty-five feet and made the seven-mile distance +in four and one-half minutes by standard railroad time. Ed was feeling +fairly good, never having rode so fast in his life before, and he was +hoping nothing serious would get in the way before the cars slowed up on +a level somewhere. He didn't have long to hope this. His cars struck a +frog at the upper end of the Wallace yard and left the track. The forward +ends plowed into the ground and the rear ends swung over. Ed was shot +through the air two hundred and thirty-five feet, as afterward measured +by a conscientious employee of the road, and landed in a dump of sawdust +by the ice house. + +It seems Ben was working in the Wallace yard that day and was the first +man to look things over. He put a report on the wire promptly and had a +wrecking outfit there to minister to these two injured box cars, and a +gang of Swedes repairing the track in no time at all. Then someone with +presence of mind said they ought to look for Ed, and Ben agreed; so +everybody searched and they found him in this sawdust. He looked +extremely ruined and like this little adventure had effected structural +modifications in him. He certainly had been brought down out of control, +like Squat says, but he was still breathing; so they took him over to the +Wallace Hospital on a chance that he could be put together again, like a +puzzle. A doctor got to work and set a lot of bones and did much plain +and fancy sewing on Ed the adventurer. + +So there he was, bedfast for about three months; but, of course, he begun +to enjoy his accident long before that--almost as soon as he come to, in +fact. It seemed to Ed that there had never been so good an accident as +that in the whole history of railroading, and he was the sole hero of it. +He passed his time telling the doctor all about it, and anyone else that +would drop in to listen: just how he felt when the cars started downhill; +how his whole past life flashed before him and just what he was thinking +about when the cars poured him off. He was remembering every second of it +by the time he was able to get on crutches. He never used that old saying +about making a long story short. + +First thing he did when he could hobble was to take a man from the +resident engineer's office out to the point where he'd left the rails and +tape his flight, finding it to be two hundred and thirty-five feet. That +hurt his story, because he had been estimating it at five hundred feet; +but he was strictly honest and accepted the new figures like a little +man. + +That night Ben come in, who'd been up round Spokane mostly since the +accident, and Ed told him all about it; how his flight was two hundred +and thirty-five feet. And wasn't it the greatest accident that ever +happened to anybody? + +Ed noticed that Ben didn't seem to be excited about it the way he had +ought to be. He was sympathetic enough for Ed's bone crashes, but he said +it was all in the day's work for a railroad man; and he told Ed about +some other accidents that was right in a class along with his and mebbe +even a shade better. Ed was peeved at this; so Ben tried to soothe him. +He said, yes, indeed, all hands had been lucky--especially the company. +He said if them two cars hadn't happened to strike soft ground that took +the wheels they'd been smashed to kindling; whereas the damage was +trifling. This sounded pretty cold to Ed. He said this railroad company +didn't seem to set any exaggerated value on human life. Ben said no +railroad company could let mere sentiment interfere with business if it +wanted to pay dividends, and most of them did. He said it was a matter of +dollars and cents like any other business, and Ed had already cost 'em a +lot of good hard cash for doctor's bills. Then he admitted that the +accident had been a good thing for him, in a way, he being there on the +spot and the first to make a report over to the superintendent at Tekoa. + +"I bet you made a jim-dandy good report," says Ed, taking heart again +after this sordid dollars-and-cents talk. "It was certainly a fine chance +to write something exciting if a man had any imagination. You probably +won't have another chance like that in all your career." + +"My report pleased the Old Man all right," says Ben. "He's kind of had +his eye on me ever since. He said the way I worded that report showed I +wasn't one to lose my head and get hysterical, the way he had known some +green hands to do." + +"I'll certainly have to have a look at that report," says Ed. "Probably +you did get a little bit hysterical at that seeing there was lots of +excuse for it." + +Ben says no, he can't remember that he was hysterical any, because the +high-class railroad man must always keep his head in emergencies. Ed +says, anyway he knows it must of been a corking good report, and he'll +sure have a look at it when he gets to stepping again. + +All the same, it begun to look to Ed like his accident wasn't being made +enough of. It come over him gradually. Of course he'd got to be an old +story round the hospital and people was beginning to duck when he started +talking. Then, after he got on crutches he'd hobble about the fatal spot, +pointing out his route to parties that would stay by him, and getting 'em +to walk over two hundred and thirty-five feet to where he was picked up +lifeless. And pretty soon even this outside trade fell off. And right +after that he begun to meet new trainmen and others that had never heard +a word about the accident and looked at him like they thought he was a +liar when he told the details. He was coming to be a grouchy nuisance +round Wallace. Even the doctor said he'd be glad when Ed got entirely +well again. + +Ed couldn't understand it. He must of thought the company should stop all +trains for five minutes every day at the hour of his mix-up, or at the +very least that the president of the road and the board of directors +ought to come down in a special car and have their pictures taken with +him; and a brass tablet should be put up on the ice house, showing where +his lifeless carcass was recovered. And of course they would send him +a solid gold engraved pass, good for life between all stations on all +divisions. But these proper attentions was being strangely withheld. So +far as Ed could see, the road had gone right on doing business as usual. + +He couldn't understand it at all. It seemed like he must be dreaming. He +wrote to Ben, who was still up the line, that this here fine report he +had made must of got lost; anyway, it seemed like the company had never +got round to reading it or they wouldn't have took things so placid. By +now he was pinning all his hopes to this report of Ben's if any justice +was going to be done him in this world. He'd tell parties who doubted +his story that he guessed they'd believe him fast enough if they ever +got an eye on Ben's report, which was made on the spot, and was so good +a report, though not hysterical, that it had drawn compliments from the +division superintendent. + +It occurs to him one day that he ought to have a copy of this report if +he is ever going to be set right before the world. He suspects crooked +work by this time. He suspects mebbe the company is keeping the thing +quiet on purpose, not wanting the public to know that such wonderful +accidents could happen to its faithful employees. So he talks to Charlie +Holzman, the conductor of Number 18, and wants to know would it be +possible to sneak this report of Ben's out of the files over at Tekoa. +Charlie says that wouldn't be possible, but he's going to lay over at +Tekoa the very next night and he'll be glad to make a copy of the report. + +Ed says he hates to keep Charlie setting up half the night writing, or +mebbe all night, because Ben has told him the report was a good one. +Charlie says he'll get help if necessary. Ed says get all the help +necessary and he'll pay the bill, and not to leave out even the longer +descriptive parts, because if it's as well written as Ben says it is he +may have it printed in a little volume for sending round to his friends. + +The next day Ed is sunning himself on the station platform when Number 18 +steams in. He's told a lot of people that Charlie is bringing this report +and he's aiming to read it aloud, just to show 'em what a man can pass +through and live to tell of it. Charlie swings down and hands him one +folded sheet of yellow paper. Ed says, what's the matter--couldn't he get +to copy the report? Charlie says the report is all there on that sheet, +every word of it. One sheet! And Ed had been expecting at least forty +pages of able narrative, even without hysteria. Even before he looks at +it Ed says there is crooked work somewhere. + +Then he read Ben's report. It didn't fill even the one sheet--not more +than half of it. It merely says: "Brakeman Steptoe had trouble holding +two cars of concentrates he was letting down from the Tiger-Poorman +mine at Burke. Cars ran to Wallace and left track. Steptoe thrown some +distance. Right leg and arm broken; left shoulder dislocated; head cut +some. Not serious." + +It was unbelievable; so Ed did the simple thing and didn't believe it. +Not for one minute! He says to Charlie Holzman: "Charlie, I know you're +honest; and, furthermore, you are a brother Moose. You've brought me +what's on file in that office; so now I know there's a conspiracy to hush +my accident up. I've thought so a long time--the way people acted round +here. Now I know it. Don't say a word; but I'm going to take it up with +Ben at once. Good old Ben! Won't he be in a frenzy when he finds this +paltry insult has been sneaked into the files in place of his report on +me!" So into the station he goes and wires Ben up the line to come there +at once on account of something serious. + +Ben gets in that night. He thought Ed must be dying and had got a +lay-off. He goes over to the hospital and is a mite disappointed to +find Ed ain't even worse, but is almost well and using only one crutch. + +Ed first makes sure no one can overhear, then tells Ben about this +conspiracy, showing him the false report that has been smuggled into the +files in place of the real one Ben had sent in. It takes Ben a couple of +minutes to get the idea of what Ed is so worked up over. But he finally +does get it. He then sweeps all ideas of a conspiracy out of Ed's mind +forever. He says his talk is all nonsense; that this here is the very +report he made, every word of it; and, as to that, if he had it to write +over again he could shorten it by at least six words, but he must of +been excited at the time. He says he has already told Ed that the Old +Man complimented him on it because he hadn't lost his head and got +hysterical, showing he had the makings of a good railroad man in him. And +what had Ed expected, anyway? Didn't he know that your superiors want the +simple facts in cases of this kind and no fancy work, wanting chiefly to +know about damage to the rolling stock and how long before the main line +will be open? Ed must be crazy, making him get a lay-off just for this! +Had he looked for some verses of poetry about his accident, or a novel? +Ben wasn't any novelist and wouldn't be one if you give him a chance. He +was just a brakeman, with a bright future before him. + +Ben was quite indignant himself by this time thinking of two days' pay +lost, and Ed could hardly believe his own ears. He just set there, +swelling up like a toad in a very feverish way. "But 'some distance,'" +says Ed in low tones of awe. "You say I was thrown 'some distance,' like +it was a casual remark. Is that any way to talk about a man hurled two +hundred and thirty-five feet from start to finish?--which I can prove +by the man that taped it. Why, any one would think them two cheap box +cars was the real heroes of this accident. No one would dream that a +precious human life was at stake. And 'Not serious!' And 'Head cut some!' +Great suffering cats! Was that any way to talk about a fellowman--not to +say a first cousin?" + +Ben was pretty mad himself now and swore right out--at least the only +oath he ever swears, which is "By doggie!" He says, by doggie, it ain't +his fault that Ed was so brittle! And, by doggie, he wasn't going to let +family affection interfere none with his career, because it wouldn't be +right by the children he hopes some day to be the father of! Then he got +his temper back and tried patiently to explain once more to Ed that what +a railroad company wants in such cases is facts and figures, and not +poetry--chiefly about the rolling stock. He says Ed can't expect a great +corporation, with heavy freight and passenger traffic, to take any deep +personal interest in the bone troubles of a mere brakeman. + +It was about here, I guess, that Ed's feelings must of overcome him. +He saw it was no use bandying words any more; so he started to do foul +murder. He committed several acts of frightfulness on Ben with his +crutch, seeming quite active for a cripple. Ben finally got out of range +and went and had some stitches took in his own scalp. He swore, by +doggie, he was through with that maniac forever! But he wasn't through. +Not by no means! + +Ed was now well enough to stand shipping; so he come down to Red Gap and +started to work. He couldn't get round with his machines yet; so he got a +new Home Queen and parked himself in the doorway of a vacant store and +made embroidered hat marks for the multitude at one dollar a throw. Yes, +sir; he congested traffic there on Fourth Street for about two weeks, +taking a strip of satin ribbon and embroidering people's initials on it, +so they could sew it in their hats and know whose hat it was. Hardly a +hat in town that didn't have one, with thrilled crowds looking on while +he done it. + +I begged him to take it easy and stay at my house till he was strong +again; but he wouldn't. He said he had to do something just to keep from +thinking. Of course the poor lollop had never been able to think under +any circumstances; but it sounded good. And, of course, he told me his +trouble. I don't believe he held back the least little thing from the +beginning of the accident down to the time he lammed Ben with his crutch. +He now blamed everything on Ben. He said neither the company nor any one +else could take his accident seriously after that lying report Ben put +in. No wonder there hadn't been any real excitement about it. He was +right bitter. + +"'Some distance' Ben says I was thrown. I should think it was some +distance! I'll bet it's farther than any other man was ever thrown on +their whole rotten system. And 'Not serious'! Great Jeeminetty! What +would have to happen to a person before he'd call it serious? Oh, I'll +make him take that back if ever I get to be the man I once was! The only +trouble with Ben is, he hasn't anything here and he hasn't anything +here"--Ed put his hand first on his head and next on his heart, to show +me where Ben hadn't got anything--"and that kind of trash may make fine +railroad men, but they hadn't ought to be classed with human beings. +Just wait till I get firmly knitted together again! You'll see! I'll +certainly interfere with that man's career a-plenty. 'Not serious!' He +won't make any such report about himself when I get through fussing with +him. He certainly does need handling--that Ben Steptoe." + +And so on for half an hour at a time, while he might be stitching G. W. +G. in purple letters on a strip of yellow satin ribbon. I used to stop on +purpose to hear some more about what he was going to do to Ben when he +got to be the man he once was. + +Pretty soon he had identified all the hats in Red Gap; so he moved over +to Colfax with his Home Queen, and then on to other towns. It was spring +again before he seemed to be the man he once was. He wrote me from Tekoa +that if I read in the papers about something sad happening to Ben I +wasn't to be alarmed, because, though it would be serious enough, it +would probably not prove fatal if he had skilled nursing. So I watched +the papers, but couldn't find any crime of interest. And a few days +later Ed come over to Red Gap again. He looked pretty good, except for +an overripe spot round his left eye. + +"Well, did you lick Ben?" I says. + +"No; Ben licked me," he says. + +I'd never heard such a simple and astounding speech from any man on earth +before. I started to find out what his excuse was--whether he wasn't in +good shape yet, or his foot slipped, or Ben took a coupling pin to him, +or something. But he didn't have a single word of excuse. He ought to of +been locked up in a glass case in a museum right there. He said he was in +fine shape and it had been a fair fight, and Ben had nearly knocked his +head off. + +I says what is he going to do now; and he says oh, he'll wait a while and +give Cousin Ben another go. + +I says: "Mebbe you can't lick Ben." + +He says: "Possibly so; but I can keep on trying. I have to protect my +honour, don't I?" + +That's how it seemed to the poor fish by this time--his honour! And I +knew he was going to keep on trying, like he had said. If he had made the +usual excuses that men put up when they've had the worst of it I'd of +known he'd been well licked, and once would be a-plenty. But, seeing that +he was probably the only man who had been honest under such conditions +since the world began, I had a feeling he would keep on. He was sure +going to annoy Ben from time to time, even if he didn't panic him much. +He was just as turbulent as ever. Now he went off and joined a circus, +being engaged to lecture in front of the side show about the world's +smallest midget, and Lulu the snake empress, and the sheep-headed twins +from Ecuador. And Ben could devote the whole summer to his career without +worry. I saw him over at Colfax one day. + +"Mark my words; that lad was never cut out for a railroad man," says Ben. +"He lets his emotions excite his head too much. Oh, I give him a good +talking to, by doggie! I says to him: 'Why, you poor little hopeless, +slant-headed, weak-minded idiot, you'--you know I always talk to Ed like +he was my own brother--'what did you expect?' I says. 'I'm quite sorry +for your injuries; but that was the first chance I'd ever had to make a +report and I couldn't write one of these continuous stories about you. +You ought to see that.' And what does he do but revile me for this +commonsense talk! Tightminded--that's what he is; self-headed, not to +say mulish, by doggie! And then pestering round me to have a fist +altercation till I had to give in to keep him quiet, though I'm not a +fighting character. I settled him, all right. I don't know where he is +now; but I hope he has three doctors at his bedside, all looking +doubtful. That little cuss always did contrary me." + +I told him Ed had gone with this circus side show. "Side show!" he says. +"That's just where he belongs. He ought to be setting right up with the +other freaks, because he's a worse freak than the living skeleton or a +lady with a full beard--that's what he is. And yet he's sane on every +subject but that. Sometimes he'll talk along for ten minutes as rational +as you or me; but let him hear the word accident and off he goes. But, +by doggie, he won't bother me again after what I give him back of the +Wallace freight shed." "He solemnly promised he would," I says, "when +I saw him last. He was still some turbulent." + +And he did bother Ben again, late that fall. When the circus closed he +travelled back a thousand miles in a check suit and a red necktie, just +to get another good licking. Ben must of been quite aggravated by that +time, for he wound up by throwing Ed into the crick in all his proud +clothes. + +Ed was just as honest about it as before. He says Ben licked him fair. +But it hadn't changed his mind. He felt that Ben's report had knocked +his just celebrity and he was still hostile. + +"Mebbe you can't lick Ben," I says to him again. "I can keep on doing my +endeavours," he says. "I had to come off in a friend of mine's coat +because my own was practically destroyed; but I'll be back again before +Ben has clumb very high on that ladder of his career." + +The adventurer was interned at my house for ten days, till his bruises +lost their purple glow and he looked a little less like a bad case of +erysipelas. Then he started out again, crazy as a loon! I didn't hear +from him for nearly two years. Then I got a letter telling about his +life of adventure down on the Border. It seems he'd got in with a good +capable stockman down there and they was engaged in the cattle business. +The business was to go over into Mexico, attracting as little notice as +possible, cut out a bunch of cattle, and drive 'em across into the land +of the free. Naturally what they sold for was clear profit. + +Ed said he was out for adventure and this had a-plenty. He said I +wouldn't believe how exciting it could be at times. He wanted to know +what Ben was promoted to by this time, and was he looking as hearty +as ever? Some day he was coming back and force Ben to set him right +before the world. + +About a year later he writes that the cattle business is getting too +tame. He's done it so much that all the excitement has gone. He says I +wouldn't believe how tame it can be, with hardly any risk of getting +shot. He says he wouldn't keep on running off these Mexican cattle if it +wasn't for the money in it; and, furthermore, it sometimes seems to him +when he's riding along in the beautiful still night, with only God's +stars for companions, that there's something about it that ain't right. + +But it's another year before he writes that he has disposed of his stock +interests and is coming North to lick Ben proper. He does come North. He +was correct to that extent. He outfitted at the Chicago Store in Tucson, +getting the best all-wool ready-made suit in Arizona, with fine fruit and +flower and vegetable effects, shading from mustard yellow to beet colour; +and patent-leather ties, with plaid socks--and so on. He stopped off at +Red Gap on his way up to do this outrage. His face was baked a rich red +brown; so I saw it wouldn't show up marks as legibly as when he was pale. + +He said Ben wasn't a right bad fellow and he had no personal grudge +against him, except he needed to have his head beat off on account of his +inhumanity. + +I told him Ben had worked up from yardmaster at Wallace to assistant +division superintendent at Tekoa, where he would probably find him; and I +wished him God-speed. + +He said he rejoiced to know of Ben's promotion, because he had probably +softened some, setting round an office. He promised to let me know the +result at once. He did. It was the same old result. The fight had gone a +few more rounds, I gathered, but Ed still gave the decision against +himself in the same conscientious way. He said Ben had licked him fair. +It was uncanny the way he took these defeats. No other human being but +would of made some little excuse. He came back in another suit and a bit +blemished in the face, and said Ben seemed to be getting a fair amount +of exercise in spite of his confining office duties; but--mark his +words--that indoor work would get him in time. He'd never seen a man yet +that could set at a desk all day and keep in shape to resent fighting +talk, even from a lighter man by twenty pounds. He said he might have to +wait till Ben was general manager, or something; but his day was coming, +and it would be nothing for Ben to cheer about when it got here. He now +once more drifted out over the high horizon, only one eye being much help +to him in seeing the way. + +Then Ben come down and had a wholehearted session with me. He said I +ought to have a talk with Ed and reason him out of his folly. I said Ed +would listen to a number of things, but not to reason. He said he knew +it; that the poor coot should be in some good institution right now, +where the state could look after him. He said he couldn't answer for the +consequences if Ed kept on in this mad way. He said here he was, climbing +up in his profession, and yet with this scandal in his private life that +might crop out any time and blast his career; and, by doggie, it was a +shame! He said it was hanging over him like a doom and sometimes he even +woke up in the night and wished he had made a different report about the +accident--one with a little hysterics or description in it, like this +maniac had seemed to crave. + +"It ain't that I can't lick him," says Ben--"I've proved that three +times; but having to do it every so often, which is beneath the dignity +of a high railroad official. I might as well be a common rowdy and be +done with it, by doggie! And no telling what will happen if he don't get +his mind back. The little devil is an awful scrapper. I noticed it more +than ever this last time. One of these times he might get me. He might +get me good." + +"You better let him, then," I says, "and have it over. That's the only +thing which will ever stop him. You take a man that says he was licked +fair, but still keeps at it, and he's deadly. Next time he comes along +you lay down after making a decent resistance. Then he'll probably be +your friend for life, especially if you tell him you been thinking about +his accident and it now seems like the most horrible accident that ever +happened to man." + +It was the most encouragement I could give and he went off gloomy. Ben +was certainly one conscientious objector. + +Nothing come from Ed for over a year. Then he writes that he has give up +the cattle business for good, because Mexico is in a state of downright +anarchy and he has been shot through the shoulder. He put it well. He +said he had been shot from ambush by a cowardly Mexican and I wouldn't +believe how lawless that country was. So now he was going to take up +mining in God's own country, where a man could get a square deal if he +kept out of railroading. And was Ben keeping up his exercise? + +He stayed under the surface for about three years. Neither Ben nor I +heard a word from him. I told Ben it was many chances to one that he had +gone under at the hands of someone that wanted to keep his cattle or his +mine or something. Ben looked solemn and relieved at this suggestion. He +said if the Grim Reaper had done its work, well and good! Life was full +of danger for the best of us, with people dropping off every day or so; +and why should Ed have hoped to be above the common lot? + +But the very next week comes a letter from the deceased wanting to know +whether Ben has been promoted some more and how he is looking by this +time. Is he vigorous and hearty, or does office work seem to be sapping +his vitality? It was the same old Ed. He goes on to say that the reason +he writes is that the other night in Globe, Arizona, he licked a man in +the Miners' Rest saloon that looked enough like Ben to be his twin; not +only looked the image of him but had his style of infighting. And he +had licked him right and made him quit. He said the gent finally fled, +going through the little swinging doors with such force that they kept +swinging for three minutes afterward. So now is the time for him to come +up and have another go at Ben. + +Of course he ain't superstitious, but it does seem like Providence has +taken this means of pointing out the time to him. But he is in reduced +circumstances at this moment, owing to complications it would take too +long to explain; so will I lend him about two hundred and fifty dollars +to make the trip on? And he will have Ben off his mind forever and be +able to settle down to some life work. Just as sane as ever--Ed was. + +I sent the letter to Ben, not wishing him to rest in false security. +But I wrote Ed firmly that I couldn't see my money's worth in his +proposition. I told him Ben was keeping in splendid condition, having +the glow of health in his cheeks and a grip like an osteopath, and I'd +be darned if I was going to back a three-time loser in the same old +fight. I said he wasn't the only sensitive person in the world. I was +a little fussy myself about what people might think of my judgment. And +I gave him some good advice which was to forget his nonsense and settle +down to something permanent before he died of penury. + +He wrote a kind, forgiving answer. He said he couldn't blame me for +turning against him after his repeated failures to lick Ben, but his +nature was one I should never understand. He said he would amass the +money by slow grinding toil, and when he next come North and got through +handling Ben I would be the very first to grasp him by the hand and +confess that I had wronged him. It was as nutty a letter as Ed ever +wrote; which is some tribute. I sent it on to Ben and I believe it was +right after that he ordered one of these exercising machines put up in +his bedroom, with a book showing how to become a Greek god by pulling +the weights five minutes, morning and evening. + +But this time come silence so long that I guess even Ben forgot he had +a doom hanging above his head by a single hair. I know I did. Let's +see. It must of been a good five years before I hear from Ed again. It +was another hard-luck letter. He had just worked a whole season for a +contractor that blew up and left him with one span of mules in place of +his summer's wages; which was a great disappointment, because he had been +looking forward to an active reunion with Ben. How was Ben, anyway? And +did he show the ravages of time? + +And no one had wanted these mules, because they was inferior mules; but +when he was on the point of shooting them to stop their feed bill along +come two men that had a prospect over in the Bradshaw Mountains and +offered him a one third interest in it for his span. So he had sawed the +mules off onto these poor dubs and told 'em all right about the third +interest in their claim, and forget it; but they insisted on his taking +it. So he did, and was now working in the B.&.B. store at Prescott, +selling saddles and jewellery and molasses and canned fruit and lumber, +and such things. He didn't care much for the life, but it was neck-meat +or nothing with him now. + +No wonder these men that cheated him out of his mules had made him take a +third interest in their claim. It was now taking all his salary to pay +assessments and other expenses on it. But he was trying to trade this +third interest off for something that wouldn't be a burden to him; then +he should have a chance to put his money by and come up to give Ben what +he was sooner or later bound to get if there was a just God in Heaven. +He spoke as freshly about Ben as if his trouble had begun the day before. +You wouldn't think twelve years had gone by. He was now saying Ben had +put a stigma on him. It had got to be a stigma by this time, though he +probably hadn't any idea what a stigma really is. He'd read it somewhere. + +Then the waves closed over the injured man for about three years more. +This time it looked as if he'd gone down for good, stigma and all. Ben +thought the same. He said it was a great relief not to be looking forward +any more to these brutal affrays that Ed insisted on perpetrating. And +high time, too, because he was now in line for general manager, and how +would it look for him to be mixed up in brawls? + +And everything was serene till the papers broke out into headlines about +a big strike made in the Bradshaw Mountains of Arizona by three partners, +of whom one was named Steptoe. They seemed to have found all the valuable +minerals in that claim of theirs except platinum. Ben tried first to +believe it was someone else named Steptoe; but no such luck. We read that +a half interest in the property had been sold to an Eastern syndicate for +three million dollars and a company organized of which Edward J. Steptoe +was president. + +"It may be all for the best, anyway," Ben says to me. "Now that he's a +big mining man he'll probably have other aims in life than being a thug." + +You could see he was hoping to make a separate peace with the new +millionaire, who would forget the grudge of his old days when he had +to work for what he got, or at least run the risk of getting shot for +it. But I wasn't so sure. I reminded Ben that Ed had never yet done +anything you'd think a human being would do, so why expect him to begin +now, when he had abundant leisure? I advised him to give deep thought to +the matter of his defense, and if the battle went against him to withdraw +to a position previously prepared, like the war reports say. Ben said a +few warm things about Ed, by doggie, that no cousin ought to say of +another cousin, and went off, hoping against hope. + +And, sure enough, Ed came promptly to the front. It seems he waited +only long enough to get a new suit and an assorted lot of the snappiest +diamond jewellery he could find. Then he wired me he was coming to right +the wrongs of a lifetime. Reaching San Francisco, it occurred to him +that he could put it all over Ben in another way that would cut him +to the heart; so he there chartered the largest, goldest, and most +expensive private car on the market, having boudoirs and shower baths +and conservatories and ballrooms, and so on; something that would make +Ben's dinky little private car look like a nester's shack or a place for +a construction gang to bunk in. And in this rolling palace Ed invaded +our peaceful country, getting lots of notice. The papers said this new +mining millionaire was looking us over with an eye to investment in our +rich lands. Little they knew he merely meant to pull off a brutal fist +altercation with a prominent railroad official that was somewhat out of +condition. + +Ben was one worried man, especially after he heard of Ed's private car. +It was one thing to lick an exbrakeman, but entirely different to have +an affray with a prominent capitalist that come after you regardless of +expense. Furthermore, this was the time for the annual tour of inspection +by the officers of the road, and they was now on the way to Ben's +division, with him hoping to create a fine impression by showing his +miracles of management. And here was Ed, meaning to start something +scandalous at sight! No wonder Ben lost his nerve and tried to run out +on his antagonist. He was trying to put it off at least till after his +officials had come and gone. + +So for six days he kept about thirty miles of standard-gauge track +between his car and Ed's. Ed would get word that he was at such a +station and have his car dropped there, only to find that Ben had gone +on. Ed would follow on the next train, or mebbe hire a special engine; +and Ben would hide off on some blind spur track. They covered the whole +division about three times without clashing, thanks to Ben's superior +information bureau; it being no trick at all to keep track of this +wheeled apartment house of Ed's. + +Ed couldn't understand it at first. Here he'd come up to lick Ben, and +Ben was acting queer about it. Ed would send messages every day wanting +to know when and where he could have a nice quiet chat with Ben that +would not be interfered with by bystanders; and Ben would wire back that +his time wasn't his own and company business was keeping him on the jump, +but as soon as this rush was over he would arrange an interview; and kind +regards, and so on. Or he might say he would be at some station all the +following day; which would be a clumsy falsehood, because he was at that +moment pulling out, as Ed would find when he got there. The operating +department must of thought them a couple of very busy men, wanting so +much to meet, yet never seeming able to get together. + +Ed got peeved at last by the way Ben was putting him off. It wasn't +square and it wasn't businesslike. He had large mining interests in +charge and here was Ben acting like he had all summer to devote just to +this one little matter. He called Ben's attention to this by telegraph, +but Ben continued to be somewhere else from where he said he was going +to be. + +After a week of this pussy-wants-a-corner stuff Ed got wise that the +thing had come to be a mere vulgar chase, and that his private car was +hampering him by being so easy to keep track of. So he disguised himself +by taking off his diamond ornaments and leaving his private car at +Colfax, and started out to stalk Ben as a common private citizen in a +day coach. He got results that way, Ben supposing he was still with his +car. After a couple of scouting trips up and down the line he gets +reliable word that Ben, with his bunch of high officials, is over at +Wallace. + +So much the better, thinks Ed. It will be fine to have this next +disturbance right on the spot where a great wrong was done him fifteen +years before. So he starts for Wallace, wiring for his car to follow him +there. He'd found this car poor for the bloodhound stuff, but he wanted +Ben to have a good look at it and eat his heart out with envy, either +before or after what was going to happen to him. + +He gets to Wallace on the noon train and finds that Ben with his +officials has gone up the canon, past Burke, on the president's private +car, to return in about an hour. After Ed's inquiries the agent kindly +wires up to Ben that his cousin from Arizona is waiting for him. Ed +spends the time walking round Ben's shabby little private car and +sneering at it. He has his plans all made, now that he has run his man +to earth. He won't pull anything rough before the officials, but about +twenty miles out on the line is a siding with a shipping corral beside +it and nothing else in sight but vistas. They'll get an engine to run +the two cars out there that night and leave 'em, and everything can be +done decently and in order. No hurry and no worry and no scandal. + +Ed is just playing the coming fight over in his mind for the fifth time, +correcting some of his blows here and there, when he hears a whistle up +the canon and in comes the special. The officials pile off and Ben comes +rushing up to Ed with a glad smile and effusive greetings and hearty +slaps on the back; and how is everything, old man?--and so on--with a +highly worried look lurking just back of it all; and says what rare +good luck to find Ed here, because he's the very man they been talking +about all the way down from Burke. + +Ed says if they come down as fast as he did one time they didn't get a +chance to say much about him; but Ben is introducing him to the president +of the road and the general manager and the chief engineer and three or +four directors, and they all shake hands with him till it seems like +quite a reception. The president says is this really the gentleman who +has made that last big strike in Arizona! And if it is he knows something +still more interesting about him, because he has just listened to a most +remarkable tale of his early days as a brakeman on this very line. Their +division superintendent has been telling of his terrific drop down the +canon and his incredible flight through the air of three hundred and +thirty-five feet. + +"How far did he say I was hurled?" says Ed, and the president again says +three hundred and thirty-five feet, which was a hundred more than Ed had +ever claimed; so he looks over at Ben pretty sharp. + +Ben is still talking hurriedly about the historic accident, saying that +in all his years of railroad experience he never heard of anything +approaching it, and if they will step up the track a piece he will show +them just where the cars left the rails. Ben must of done a lot of quick +thinking that day. He had the bunch over to see the exact spot, and they +all stood and looked over to the ice house and said it was incredible; +and a director from Boston said it was perfectly preposterous; really +now! And Ben kept on reciting rapidly about the details. He said Ed had +come down the seven miles in less than three minutes, which was lopping +a minute and a half off the official time; and that when picked up he +hadn't a whole bone left in his body, which was also a lie; and that +his cousin never could of survived if he hadn't probably had the most +marvellous constitution a man was ever endowed with. He then made the +bunch go over to the ice house to see the other exact spot, and they +looked back to where he started from, and again said it was incredible +and preposterous. + +I don't know. Mebbe they wouldn't of thought it preposterous that a mere +brakeman was hurled that far, but Ed was a capitalist now. Anyway, the +president had him into his car for lunch with the party, and they might +possibly of got to talking about other things of less importance, but Ben +wouldn't have any thing else. He made 'em insist that Ed should tell his +version of the whole thing; how he felt when the cars started, and how +the scenery was blurred, and how his whole past life flashed before him, +and the last thing he remembered before he hit the sawdust. And Ben set +there looking so proud of Ed, like a mother having her little tot recite +something. And when Ed had finally lit, Ben made him tell about his slow +recovery. And after Ed got himself well again Ben would go back to the +start and ask for more details, such as whether he hadn't wanted to jump +off on the way down, or whether he had been conscious while going through +the air for nearly four hundred feet. + +Ed got little food; but much he cared! He'd come into his own at last. +And suddenly he was surprised by finding a warm glow in his heart for +Ben, especially after Ben had said for about the third time: "I was +certainly a green hand in those days; so green that I didn't begin to +realize what a whale of an occurrence this was." Ed was getting a new +light on Ben. + +After lunch Ed's own car got in from Colfax and he had the party over +there for cigars and more talk about himself, which was skillfully led +by Ben. Then the president invited Ed to hitch his car on and come along +with them for a little trip, and talk over mining and investments, and +so on, and what the outlook was in the Southwest. So Ed went with 'em +and continued to hear talk of his accident. Ben would bring it up and +harp back to it, and bring it forward and sandwich it in whenever the +conversation had an open moment. It was either the wild thoughts Ed must +of had sliding down the canon, or the preposterous constitution he had +been endowed with, or the greenness of himself for not recognizing it as +the prize accident of the ages. And I don't wonder Ben went on that way +for the next two days. He knew what a tenacious idiot Ed was, and that he +had come miles out of his way to try something he had often tried before. +The most he could hope for was to stave off the collision till his +officials got away. + +And it looked, the second night, like he wasn't going to be able to do +even this much. He'd been detecting cold looks from Ed all day, in spite +of his putting on another record about the accident every ten minutes or +so. They was laid out at some little station, and just before dinner Ed +give Ben the office that he wanted a word private with him. Ben thinks to +himself it's coming now in spite of all his efforts to smooth it over. +But he leaves the car with Ed and they walk a piece up the track, Ben +hoping they can make the lee of a freight car before Ed starts his crime +of violence. He makes up his mind quick. If Ed jumps him there in the +open he will certainly do his best to win the contest. But if he waits +till they get this freight car between them and the public, then he will +let Ed win the fight and get the scandal out of his life forever. + +Ben walks quite briskly, but Ed begins to slow up when they ain't more +than a hundred yards from the president's car. Finally Ed stops short. + +"The little foci is going to pull the fight here in the open!" thinks +Ben; so he gets ready to do his best. + +Then Ed says: + +"Say, Ben, what's the matter with you, anyway? Are you losing your mind? +It ain't so much on my account; I could make allowance for you. But +here's these officials of yours, and you want to make a good impression +on 'em; instead of which you are making yourself the grandest bore that +ever needed strangling for continuous talk on one subject." + +Ben didn't get him yet. He says come on up the other side of them freight +cars, where they can be more private for their consultation. + +Ed says no; this is far enough to tell him for his own good not to be +such a bore; an' Ben says how is he a bore? + +"A bore?" says Ed. "Why, for forty-eight hours you ain't been able to +talk about anything but that stale old accident of mine, and you got me +so sick of it I could jump on you every time you begin. You got everybody +in the party sick of it. Don't you see how they all try to get away from +you? For the Lord's sake, can't you think up something else to talk about +now and then--at least for five minutes, just to give your silly chatter +a little different flavour? I never been so sick of anything in my life +as I am of this everlasting prattle of yours about something that was +over and forgotten fifteen long years ago! What's got into you to keep +dragging that accident up out of the dead past that way? Anyway, you +better cut it out. I have to listen because you're my cousin; but these +officials don't. Your next pay check is liable to be your last on this +road if you don't think up some other kind of gossip. Darned if it don't +seem like you had been getting weak-minded in your old age!" + +Ben had got his bearings by this time. He apologized warmly to Ed; he +said it was true this magnificent catastrophe had lately taken possession +of his mind, but now that he finds Ed is so sensitive about it he'll try +to keep it out of his talk, and he hopes Ed won't cherish hard feelings +against him. + +Ed says no, he won't cherish anything if Ben will only quit his loathsome +gushing about the accident; and Ben says he will quit. And so they shook +hands on it. + +That's the way the feud ended. The champion grudge hoarder of the +universe had been dosed to a finish with his own medicine. It showed Ben +has a weakness for diplomacy; kind of an iron hand in a velvet glove, or +something. + +Ed is still a nut, though. There was a piece in a Sunday paper not long +ago about this new mining millionaire. He spoke some noble words to the +youth of our land. He said young American manhood could still make its +fortune in this glorious country of opportunity by strict attention to +industry and good habits and honest dealing and native pluck--him that +had had these mules forced on him in the first place, and then his +interest in this claim forced on him for the mules, and then hadn't +been able to get shut of the claim. Ain't it lovely how men will dig up +a license to give themselves all credit for hog luck they couldn't help! + +Ma Pettengill busied herself with a final cigarette and remarked that she +never knew when to stop talking. Some parties did, but not her; and she +having to be up and on the way to Horsefly Mountain by six-thirty in the +A.M.! Her last apology was for a longing she had not been able to +conquer: She couldn't help a debased wish to know how that last fight +would of come out. + +"Of course it ain't nice to want men to act like the brutes," said the +lady. "Still, I can't help wondering; not that I'm inquisitive, but just +out of curiosity." + + + + +V + +ONE ARROWHEAD DAY + + +It began with the wonted incitement to murder. A wooden staff projects +some five feet above the topmost roof peak of the Arrowhead ranch house, +and to this staff is affixed a bell of brazen malignity. At five-thirty +each morning the cord controlling this engine of discord is jerked +madly and forever by Lew Wee, our Chinese chef. It is believed by those +compelled to obey the horrid summons that this is Lew Wee's one moment +of gladness in a spoiled life. The sound of the noon bell, the caressing +call of the night bell--these he must know to be welcome. The morning +clangour he must know to be a tragedy of foulest import. It is undeniably +rung with a keener relish. There will be some effort at rhythm with the +other bells, but that morning bell jangles in a broken frenzy of clangs, +ruthlessly prolonged, devilish to the last insulting stroke. Surely one +without malice could manage this waking bell more tactfully. + +A reckless Chinaman, then, takes his life in his hands each morning at +five-thirty. Something like a dozen men are alarmed from deep sleep to +half-awakened incredulity, in which they believe the bell to be a dream +bell and try to dream on of something noiseless. Ten seconds later these +startled men have become demons, with their nice warm feet on the icy +floor of the bunk-house, and with prayers of simple fervour that the +so-and-so Chink may be struck dead while his hand is still on the +rope. This prayer is never answered; so something like a dozen men +dress hurriedly and reach the Arrowhead kitchen hurriedly, meaning to +perform instantly there a gracious deed which Providence has thus far +unaccountably left undone. + +That the Arrowhead annals are, as yet, unspiced with a crime of violence +is due, I consider, to Lew Wee's superb control of his facial muscles. +His expression when he maniacally yanks the bell cord is believed by +his victims to be one of hellish glee; so they eagerly seek each morning +for one little remaining trace of this. The tiniest hint would suffice. +But they encounter only a rather sad-faced, middle-aged Chinaman, with +immovable eyes and a strained devotion to delicate tasks, of whom it is +impossible to believe that ever a ray of joy gladdened his life. + +There is a secondary reason why the spirit of Lew Wee has not long since +been disembodied by able hands: His static Gorgon face stays the first +murderous impulse; then his genial kitchen aroma overpowers their higher +natures and the deed of high justice is weakly postponed. This genial +kitchen aroma is warm, and composed cunningly from steaming coffee and +frying ham or beef, together with eggs and hot cakes almost as large +as the enamelled iron plates from which they are eaten. It is no +contemptible combination on a frosty morning. No wonder strong men +forget the simple act of manslaughter they come there to achieve and +sit sullenly down to be pandered to by him who was erst their torturer. + +On a morning in late May, when I had been invited to fare abroad with +my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill--who would breakfast in her +own apartment--I joined this assemblage of thwarted murderers as they +doggedly ate. It is a grim business, that ranch breakfast. Two paling +lamps struggle with the dawn, now edging in, and the half light is held +low in tone by smoke from the cake griddle, so that no man may see +another too plainly. But no man wishes to see another. He stares dully +into his own plate and eats with stern aversion. We might be so many +strangers in a strange place, aloof, suspicious, bitter, not to say +truculent. + +No quip or jest will lighten the gloom. Necessary requests for the +sugar or the milk or the stewed apples are phrased with a curtly +formal civility. We shall be other men at noon or at night, vastly +other, sunnier men, with abundance of quip and jest and playful sally +with the acid personal tang. But from warm beds of repose! We avoid +each other's eyes, and one's subdued "please pass that sirup pitcher!" +is but tolerated like some boorish profanation of a church service. + +The simple truth, of course, is that this is the one hour of the day +when we are face to face with the evil visage of life unmasked; our +little rosy illusions of yestereve are stale and crumpled. Not until we +are well out in the sun, with the second cigarette going good, shall we +again become credulous about life and safe to address. It is no meal to +linger over. We grimly rise from the wrecked table and clatter out. + +Only one of us--that matchless optimist, Sandy Sawtelle--sounds a flat +note in the symphony of disillusion. His humanness rebounds more quickly +than ours, who will not fawn upon life for twenty minutes yet. Sandy +comes back to the table from the hook whence he had lifted his hat. He +holds aloft a solitary hot cake and addresses Lew Wee in his best +Anglo-Chinese, and with humorous intent: + +"I think take-um hot cake, nail over big knot hole in bunk-house--last +damn long time better than sheet iron!" + +Swiftly departing pessimists accord no praise or attention to this +ill-timed sketch; least of all Lew Wee, who it is meant to insult. +His face retains the sad impassivity of a granite cliff as yet beyond +the dawn. + +Now I am out by the saddle rack under the poplars, where two horses +are tied. Ma Pettengill's long-barrelled roan is saddled. My own +flea-bitten gray, Dandy Jim, is clad only in the rope by which he was +led up from the caviata. I approach him with the respectful attention +his reputed character merits and try to ascertain his mood of the +moment. He is a middle-aged horse, apparently of sterling character, +and in my presence has always conducted himself as a horse should. But +the shadow of scandal has been flung athwart him. I have been assured +that he has a hideous genius for cinch binding. Listening at first +without proper alarm, it has been disclosed to me that a cinch binder +ain't any joke, by a darned sight! A cinch binder will stand up straight +and lean over backward on me. If I'm there when he hits the ground I'll +wish I wasn't--if I am able to wish anything at all and don't simply have +to be shipped off to wherever my family wants it to take place. + +I am further enlightened: Dandy Jim ain't so likely to start acting if +not saddled when too cold. If I saddle him then he will be expecting to +have more fun out of it than I have any right to. But if the sun is well +up, why, sometimes a baby could handle him. So for three weeks I have +saddled Dandy Jim with the utmost circumspection and with the sun well +up. Now the sun is not well up. Shall I still survive? I pause to wish +that the range of high hills on the east may be instantly levelled. The +land will then be worth something and the sun will be farther up. But +nothing of a topographical nature ensues. The hills remain to obscure the +sun. And the brute has to be saddled. The mood of that grim breakfast, +voiceless, tense, high with portent, is still upon me. + +I approach and speak harshly to the potential cinch binder, telling him +to get over there! He does not; so I let it pass. After all, he is only +a horse. Why should I terrorize him? I bridle him with a manner far from +harsh. He doesn't like the taste of the bit--not seasoned right, or +something. But at last he takes it without biting my fingers off; which +shows that the horse has no mind to speak of. + +I look him calmly in the eye for a moment; then pull his head about, so +that I can look him calmly in the other eye for a moment. This is to show +the animal that he has met his master and had better not try any of that +cinch-binding stuff if he knows when he's well off. Still, I treat him +fairly. I smooth his back of little vegetable bits that cling there, +shake out the saddle blanket and tenderly adjust it. Whistling carelessly +I swing up the saddle. Dandy Jim flinches pitifully when it rests upon +him and reaches swiftly round to bite my arm off. I think this is quite +perfunctory on his part. He must have learned long since that he will +never really bite any one's arm off. His neck is not enough like a +swan's. + +I adjust saddle and blanket carefully from both sides, pulling the +blanket well up under the horn of the saddle and making sure that +it sets comfortably. One should be considerate of the feelings of a +dumb beast placed at one's mercy. Then I reach for the cinch, pass it +twice through the rings, and delicately draw it up the merest trifle. +Dandy Jim shudders and moans pathetically. He wishes to convey the +impression that his ribs have been sprung. This, of course, is +nonsense. I measureably increase the pressure. Dandy Jim again +registers consternation, coughs feebly, and rolls his eyes round +appealingly, as if wondering whether the world is to sit, without +heart, and watch a poor defenseless horse being slain. He is about +to expire. + +I now lead him gently about by the bridle. It occurs to me that a horse +with this curious mania for binding cinches or cinching binders--or, +in other words, a cinch binder--will be as willing to indulge in his +favourite sport with the saddle unoccupied as otherwise. He may like +it even better with no one up there; and I know I will. Nothing happens, +except that Dandy Jim stumbles stiffly and pretends to be lame. The +sun is not yet well up; still, it is a lot better. Perhaps danger for +the day is over. I again lead the dangerous beast-- + +"What you humouring that old skate for?" + +Ma Pettengill, arrayed in olive-drab shirt and breeches, leather puttees, +and the wide-brimmed hat of her calling with the four careful dents in +the top, observed me with friendly curiosity as she ties a corduroy coat +to the back of her saddle. + +Hereupon I explained my tactful handling of the reputed cinch binder. It +evoked the first cheerful sound I had heard that day: + +Ma Pettengill laughed heartily. + +"That old hair trunk never had the jazz to be any cinch binder. Who told +you he was?" + +I named names--all I could remember. Almost everyone on the ranch had +passed me the friendly warning, and never had I saddled the brute without +a thrill. + +"Sure! Them chuckleheads always got to tell everybody something. It's +a wonder they ain't sent you in to the Chink to borrow his meat auger, +or out to the blacksmith shop for a left-handed monkey wrench, or +something. Come on!" + +So that was it! Just another bit of stale ranch humour--alleged +humour--as if it could be at all funny to have me saddle this wreck +with the tenderest solicitude morning after morning! + +"Just one moment!" I said briskly. + +I think Dandy Jim realized that everything of a tender nature between +us was over. Some curious and quite charming respect I had been wont +to show him was now gone out of my manner. He began to do deep breathing +exercises before I touched the cinch. I pulled with the strength of a +fearless man. Dandy Jim forthwith inflated his chest like a gentleman +having his photograph taken in a bathing suit. I waited, apparently +foiled. I stepped back, spoke to Ma Pettengill of the day's promise, +and seemed carelessly to forget what I was there for. Slowly Dandy Jim +deflated himself; and then, on the fair and just instant, I pulled. +I pulled hard and long. The game was won. Dandy Jim had now the waist +of that matron wearing the Sveltina corset, over in the part of the +magazine where the stories die away. I fearlessly bestrode him and +the day was on. + +I opened something less than a hundred gates, so that we could take our +way through the lower fields. Ma Pettengill said she must see this here +Tilton and this here Snell, and have that two hundred yards of fence +built like they had agreed to, as man to man; and no more of this here +nonsense of putting it off from day to day. + +She was going to talk straight to them because, come Thursday, she had +to turn a herd of beef cattle into that field. + +Then I opened a few dozen more gates and we were down on the flats. +Here the lady spied a coyote, furtively skirting some willows on our +left. So, for a few merry miles, we played the game of coyote. It is +a simple game to learn, but requires a trained eye. When one player +sees a coyote the other becomes indebted to him in the sum of one dollar. + +This sport dispelled the early morning gloom that had beset me. I won +a dollar almost immediately. It may have been the same coyote, as my +opponent painfully suggested; but it showed at a different breach in +the willows, and I was firm. + +Then the game went fiercely against me. Ma Pettengill detected coyotes +at the far edges of fields--so far that I would have ignored them for +jack rabbits had I observed them at all. I claimed an occasional +close one; but these were few. The outlook was again not cheering. It was +an excellent morning for distant coyotes, and presently I owed Mrs. +Lysander John Pettengill seven dollars, she having won two doubleheaders +in succession. This ride was costing me too much a mile. Being so utterly +outclassed I was resolving to demand a handicap, but was saved from this +ignominy by our imminent arrival at the abode of this here Tilton, who +presently sauntered out of a feeding corral and chewed a straw at us +idly. + +We soon took all that out of him. The air went something like this: + + * * * * * + +MRS. L. J. P.--brightly: Morning, Chester! Say, look here! About that gap +in the fence across Stony Creek field--I got to turn a beef herd in there +Thursday. + +TILTON--crouching luxuriously on one knee still chewing the straw: Well, +now, about that little job--I tell you, Mis' Pett'ngill; I been kind o' +holdin' off account o' Snell bein' rushed with his final plowin'. He +claims-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--still brightly: Oh, that's all right! Snell will be over +there, with his men, to-morrow morning at seven o'clock. He said you'd +have to be there, too. + +TILTON--alarmed, he rises, takes straw from his mouth, examines the +chewed end with dismay and casts it from him; removes his hat, looks at +this dubiously, burnishes it with a sleeve, and sighs: To-morrow +morning! You don't mean to-morrow-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--carefully yet rapidly: To-morrow morning at seven o'clock. +You don't want to throw Snell down on this; and he's going to be there. +How many men can you take? + +TILTON--dazed: Now--now lemme see! + +MRS. L. J. P.--quickly: You can take Chris and Shorty and Jake and +yourself. Any one else? + +TILTON--swept over the falls: Why, no'm; I don't guess there's any other +I could spare, account of-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--almost sweetly: All right, then. To-morrow; seven sharp. + +TILTON--from the whirlpool, helplessly: Yes'm! Yes'm! + +MRS. L. J. P.: Morning! + + * * * * * + +We ride on. Tilton fades back toward the corral; he has forgotten to +replace his hat. + +I now decided to make a little conversation rather than have the stupid +and ruinous game of coyote for a pastime. + +"I thought you hadn't seen Snell yet." + +"I haven't; not since he promised his half of the job two weeks ago." + +"But you just told Tilton--" + +"Well, Snell is going to be there, ain't he?" + +"How do you know?" + +"I'm going to tell him now." + +And the woman did even so. If you wish the scene with Snell go back and +read the scene with Tilton, changing the names. Nothing else need you +change. Snell was hitching two mules to a wood wagon; but he heard the +same speeches and made approximately the same replies. And the deed was +done. + +"There now!" boomed Mrs. Talleyrand as we rode beyond earshot of the +dazed and lingering Snell. "Them two men been trying for two weeks to +agree on a day to do this trifling job. They wasn't able; so I agreed on +a day myself. Anything wrong with it?" + +"You said you were going to talk straight to them." + +"Ain't I just talked straight to Snell? Tilton will be there, won't he?" + +"How about the way you talked to Tilton before you saw Snell?" + +"Well, my lands! How you talk! You got to have a foundation to build on, +haven't you?" + +I saw it as a feat beyond my prowess to convict this woman in her own +eyes of a dubious and considering veracity. So I merely wondered, in +tones that would easily reach her, how the gentlemen might relish her +diplomacy when they discovered it on the morrow. I preceded the word +diplomacy with a slight and very affected cough. + +The lady replied that they would never discover her diplomacy, not +coughing in the least before the word. She said each of them would be +so mad at the other for setting a day that they would talk little. They +would simply build fence. She added that a woman in this business had +to be looking for the worst of it all the time. She was bound to get +the elbow if she didn't use her common sense. + +I ignored her casuistry, for she was now rolling a cigarette with an air +of insufferable probity. I gave her up and played a new game of smashing +horseflies as they settled on my mount. Dandy Jim plays the game ably. +When a big fly settles on his nose he holds his head round so I can reach +it. He does not flinch at the terrific smash of my hat across his face. +If a fly alights on his neck or shoulder, and I do not remark it, he +turns his head slightly toward me and winks, so I can stalk and pot it. +He is very crafty here. If the fly is on his right side he turns and +winks his left eye at me so the insect will not observe him. And yet +there are people who say horses don't reason. + +I now opened fifty more gates and we left the cool green of the fields +for a dusty side road that skirts the base of the mesa. We jogged along +in silence, which I presently heard stir with the faint, sweet strain of +a violin; an air that rose and wailed and fell again, on a violin played +with a certain back-country expertness. The road bent to show us its +source. We were abreast of the forlorn little shack of a dry-farmer, +weathered and patched, set a dozen yards from the road and surrounded +by hard-packed earth. Before the open door basked children and pigs and +a few spiritless chickens. + +All the children ran to the door when we halted and called to someone +within. The fiddle played on with no faltering, but a woman came +out--a gaunt and tattered woman who was yet curiously cheerful. The +children lurked in her wake as she came to us and peered from beyond +her while we did our business. + +Our business was that the redskin, Laura, official laundress of the +Arrowhead, had lately attended an evening affair in the valley at which +the hitherto smart tipple of Jamaica ginger had been supplanted by a +novel and potent beverage, Nature's own remedy for chills, dyspepsia, +deafness, rheumatism, despair, carbuncles, jaundice, and ennui. Laura had +partaken freely and yet again of this delectable brew, and now suffered +not only from a sprained wrist but from detention, having suffered arrest +on complaint of the tribal sister who had been nearest to her when she +sprained her wrist. Therefore, if Mrs. Dave Pickens wanted to come over +to-morrow and wash for us, all right; she could bring her oldest girl to +help. + +Mrs. Dave thereupon turned her head languidly toward the ignoble dwelling +and called: "Dave!" Then again, for the fiddle stayed not: "Dave! Oh, +Dave!" + +The fiddle ceased to moan--complainingly it seemed to me--and Dave framed +his graceful figure in the doorway. He was one appealing droop, from his +moustache to his moccasin-clad feet. He wore an air of elegant leisure, +but was otherwise not fussily arrayed. + +"Dave, Mis' Pett'ngill says there's now a day's washin' to do over to her +place to-morrow. What think?" + +Dave deliberated, then pondered, then thought, then spoke: + +"Well, I d'no', Addie; I d'no' as I got any objections if you ain't. +I d'no' but it's all the same to me." + +Hereupon we meanly put something in Dave's unsuspecting way, too. + +"You must want a day's work yourself," called out Ma Pettengill. "You go +up to Snell's about six in the morning and he'll need you to help do some +fencing on that gap in Stony Creek field. If he don't need you Tilton +will. One of 'em is bound to be short a man." + +"Fencin'?" said Dave with noticeable disrelish. + +"You reckon we better both leave the place at once?" suggested Mrs. Dave. + +"That's so," said Dave brightly. "Mebbe I--" + +"Nonsense!" boomed Ma Pettengill, dispelling his brightness. "Addie +can drop you at Snell's when she comes over to Arrowhead. Now that's +settled!" + +And we rode off as unvoiced expostulations were gathering. I began to +wonder whether it must, throughout a beautiful day, be the stern mission +of this woman to put tribulation upon her neighbours. She was becoming a +fell destroyer. The sun was well up. I thirsted. Also, breakfast seemed +to have been a thing in the remote past. + +We now rode three torrid miles up a narrow green slit in the hills +for a scant ten minutes of talk with a most uninteresting person, whose +sole claim to notice seemed to be that he had gone and fenced the wrong +water hole over back of Horsefly Mountain, where we have a summer range. +The talk was quick and pointed and buttressed with a blue-print map, +and the too-hasty fencer was left helpless after a pitiful essay at +quibbling. We rode off saying that he could do just as he liked about +sending someone over right away to take that fence down, because we +had already took it down the minute we set eyes on it. We was just +letting him know so he needn't waste any more wire and posts and time +in committing felonious depredations that would get him nothing but +high trouble if he was so minded. Another scalp to our belt! + +I now briefly recalled to the woman that we had stopped at no peaceful +home that morning save to wreck its peace. I said I was getting into +the spirit of the ride myself. I suggested that at the next ranch we +passed we should stop and set fire to the haystacks, just to crown the +day's brutalities with something really splendid. I also said I was +starving to death in a land of plenty. + +Ma Pettengill gazed aloft at the sun and said it was half-past twelve. +I looked at my watch and said the sun was over ten minutes slow, which +was probably due to the heavy continuous gunfire on the Western Front. +This neat bit went for just nothing. As we rode on I fondly recalled that +last cold hot cake which Sandy Sawtelle had sacrificed to his gift for +debased whimsy. I also recalled other items of that gloomy repast, +wondering how I could so weakly have quit when I did. + +We rode now under a sun that retained its old fervour if not its +velocity. We traversed an endless lane between fields, in one of which +grazed a herd of the Arrowhead cattle. These I was made to contemplate +for many valuable moments. I had to be told that I was regarding the +swallow-fork herd, pure-breds that for one reason or another--the chief +being careless help--had not been registered. The omission was denoted +by the swallow fork in the left ear. + +The owner looked upon them with fond calculation. She was fondly +calculating that they would have been worth about fifty per cent. more +to her with ears unmutilated. She grew resentful that their true worth +should not be acclaimed by the world. In the sight of heaven they were +pure-breds; so why should they suffer through the oversight of a herd +boss that hadn't anywhere near such distinguished ancestry? And so on, +as the lady says. + +We left the lane at last and were on the county road, but headed away +from the Arrowhead and food. No doubt there remained other homes for us +to wreck. We mounted a rise and the road fell from us in a long, gentle +slope. And then a mile beyond, where the slope ended, I beheld a most +inviting tiny pleasance in this overwhelming welter of ranch land, with +its more or less grim business of cattle. + +It was a little homestead fit to adorn an art calendar to be entitled +Peace and Plenty--a veritable small farm from some softer little country +far to the east. It looked strangely lost amid these bleaker holdings. +There was a white little house and it sported nothing less than green +blinds. There was a red barn, with toy outbuildings. There was a +vegetable garden, an orchard of blossoming fruit trees, and, in front of +the glistening little house, a gay garden of flowers. Even now I could +detect the yellow of daffodils and the martial--at least it used to be +martial--scarlet of tulips. The little place seemed to drowse here in +the noontide, dreaming of its lost home and other little farms that once +companioned it. + +To my pleased surprise this unbelievable little farm proved to be our +next stopping place. At its gate Ma Pettengill dismounted, eased the +cinch of her saddle and tied her horse to the hitching rack. I did +likewise by the one-time cinch binder. + +"Now," I wondered, "what devastating bomb shall we hurl into this +flower-spiced Arcady? What woe will she put upon its unsuspecting +dwellers, even as she has ruined four other homes this day? This should +be something really choice." But I said no word and followed where the +avenger stalked. + +We unlatched the white gate and went up a gravelled walk between the +rows of daffodils and tulips and hyacinths. We did not ascend the +spotless front porch to assault its innocent white door, but turned aside +on a narrow-gauge branch of the gravelled pathway and came to a side +porch, shaded by maples. And here, in strict conformity to the soundest +behests of tradition, sat two entirely genuine Arcadians in wooden +rocking-chairs. The male was a smiling old thing with winter-apple +cheeks and white hair, and the female was a smiling old thing with +winter-apple cheeks and white hair; both had bright eyes of doll blue, +and both wore, among other neat things, loose and lovely carpet slippers +and white stockings. + +And, of course, the male was named Uncle Henry and the other one was +named Aunt Mollie, for I was now presented to them. They shyly greeted +me as one returned to them after many years in which they had given me +up. And again I wondered what particular iniquity we had come here to do. + +Then Ma Pettengill eased my worry. She said in a few simple but affecting +words, that we had stopped in for a bite to eat. No self-torturing +stylist could have put the thing better. And results were sudden. Uncle +Henry, the male one, went to take our horses round to the barn, and the +other one said they had et an hour ago; but give her ten minutes and +she'd have a couple of them young pullets skinned and on the fire. + +Ma Pettengill said, with very questionable taste, I thought: "Oh, no; +nothing like that!"--because we didn't want to make the least bit of +trouble. The woman is dense at times. What else had we come there +for? But Aunt Mollie said, then, how about some prime young pork +tenderline? And Ma Pettengill said she guessed that would do, and I +said I guessed that would do. And there we were! The ladies went to +the kitchen, where they made quick and grateful noises. + +Pretty soon Uncle Henry came round a lovely corner and said try a tumbler +of this here grape wine, which he poured from a pressed-glass pitcher; so +I tried it and gave him a town cigarette, which he tucked between his +beautiful white moustache and his beautiful white whiskers. And I hoped +he didn't use gasoline to get them so clean, because if he did something +might happen when he lighted the cigarette; but nothing did, so probably +he didn't. I tried the grape wine again; and dear old Uncle Henry said he +was turning out quite a bit of it since the Gov'ment had shet down on +regular dram-shops, quite considerable of parties happening along from +time to time to barter with him, getting it for dances or colds, or +something. + +A yellow cat, with blue eyes like Uncle Henry's, came and slept on +his lap. A large fussy hen with a litter of chickens--or however a hen +designates her assemblage of little ones--clucked her way to our feet. +I could see three hives of bees, a grape arbour, and a row of milk pans +drying in the sun, each leaning on its neighbour along a white bench. +Uncle Henry said drink it up while it was cold. All Nature seemed to +smile. The hen found a large and charming bug, and chuckled humorously +while her cunning little ones tore it limb from limb. It was idyllic. + +Then Aunt Mollie pushed open the screen door and said come in and set up; +so I came in and set up quickly, having fried pork tenderloin and fried +potatoes, and hot biscuit and pork gravy, and cucumber pickles, and +cocoanut cake and pear preserves, peach preserves, apricot preserves, +loganberry jelly, crab-apple jelly, and another kind of preserves I was +unable to identify, though trying again and again. + +Ma Pettengill ate somewhat, but talked also, keeping Uncle Henry and Aunt +Mollie shiny with smiles. They both have polished white teeth of the most +amazing regularity. I ate almost exclusively, affecting to be preoccupied +about something. The time was urgent. I formed an entangling alliance +with the pork tenderloin, which endured to a point where but one small +fragment was left on the platter. I coolly left it there, so that Aunt +Mollie might believe she had cooked more than enough. + +I have never ceased to regret that hollow bit of chivalry. Was it +honest, genuine, open? No! Why will men at critical junctures stoop +to such trickery? Aunt Mollie said I might think that tenderline was +fresh-killed; but not so--she has fried it last December and put it down +in its own juice in a four-gallon crock, and now look how fresh it come +out! She seemed as proud as if she had invented something. She had a +right to be. It was a charming notion and I could have eaten the rest of +the crock--but, no matter. Half a dozen biscuits copiously gummed up with +preserves of one kind or another would do as well--almost. + +So Aunt Mollie showed me objects of interest in the room, including +her new carpet sweeper, a stuffed road runner, a ship built in a bottle, +and the coloured crayon portraits of herself and Uncle Henry, wearing +blue clothes and gold jewellery and white collars and ecru neckties. +Also, the marriage certificate. This was no mere official certificate. +It was the kind that costs three dollars flat, over and above what you +give to the party that does it for you, being genuine steel-engraved, +with a beautiful bridal couple under a floral bell, the groom in severe +evening dress, and liberally spotted with cupids and pigeons. It is worth +the money and an ornament to any wall, especially in the gilt frame. + +Aunt Mollie seemed as proud of this document as she had been with the +tenderloin. I scanned it word by word for her pleasure. I noticed +especially the date. Aunt Mollie said that her and Henry were now in +the fortieth year on this place, and it had changed in looks a whole +lot since they came here. I again looked at the date of the certificate. + +Ma Pettengill said, well, we must be getting on, and they must both come +over to the Arrowhead for a day right soon. And Uncle Henry said here +was a quart bottle of his peach brandy, going on eight year old, and +would I take it along back with me and try it? Parties had told him it +was good; but he didn't know--mebbe so, mebbe not. He'd like to know what +I thought. It seemed little enough to do to bring a bit of gladness into +this old gentleman's life, and I was not the man to wound him by refusal. +It was as if Michelangelo had said "Come on round to the Sistine Chapel +this afternoon and look over a little thing I've dashed off." If he had +brought two bottles instead of one my answer would have been the same. + +So we were out on our refreshed horses and heading home; and I said, +without loss of time, that Aunt Mollie might have a good heart and a +cunning way with pork interiors, and it was none of my business, anyway; +but, nevertheless, she had mentioned forty long years with this amateur +saloon keeper, whereas her marriage certificate was dated but one year +previous, in figures all too shamefully legible. So what about it? I +said I mind observing the underworld from time to time; but I like +to be warned in advance, even when its denizens were such a charming, +bright-eyed winter-apple-cheeked old couple as the two we were now +leaving. + +The sun was on our backs, a light breeze fanned us, the horses knew which +way they were going, and work for the day was over; so Ma Pettengill +spoke, in part, as follows: + +"Oh, well, of course everyone knows about that. Simple enough! Aunt +Mollie and her first husband trekked in here forty years ago. He was a +consumptive and the first winter put him out. They had a hard time; no +neighbours to speak of, harsh weather, hard work, poor shelter, and a +dying man. Henry Mortimer happened by and stayed to help--nursed the +invalid, kept the few head of stock together, nailed up holes in the +shack, rustled grub and acted like a friend in need. At the last he +nailed a coffin together; did the rest of that job; then stayed on to +nurse Aunt Mollie, who was all in herself. After he got her to stepping +again he put in a crop for her. Then he stayed to build a barn and do +some fencing. Then he harvested the crop. And getting no wages! They was +both living off the land. Pretty soon they got fond of each other and +decided to marry. It's one of Aunt Mollie's jokes that she owed him two +years' wages and had to marry him. + +"Marriage was easier said than done. No preacher, or even a justice of +the peace, was within ninety miles, which meant a four days' trip over +the roads of that day, and four days back, providing high water or some +other calamity didn't make it a month; and no one to leave on the place, +which meant there wouldn't be a head of stock left when they got back, +what with Indians and rustlers. Uncle Henry will tell you how it seemed +too bad that just one of 'em wouldn't make the trip down and have the +ceremony done, leaving the other to protect the place. + +"Then along comes a horse trader, who stops over to rest his stock, +and learns their trouble. He tells 'em to quit their worry; that he's a +notary public and can perform a marriage as good as any Baptist preacher +they ever saw. I never been able to make out whether he was crazy or just +a witty, practical joker. Anyway, he married the pair with something like +suitable words, wouldn't take a cent for it, and gave 'em a paper saying +he had performed the deed. It had a seal on it showing he was a genuine +notary public, though from back in Iowa somewhere. That made no +difference to the new bride and groom. A notary public was a notary +public to them, highly important and official. + +"They had enough other things to worry about, anyway. They had to buckle +down to the hard life that waits for any young couple without capital in +a new country. They had years of hard sledding; but they must of had a +good time somehow, because they never have any but pleasant things to +tell of it. Whatever that notary public was, he seemed to of pulled off +a marriage that took as well or better than a great many that may be +more legal. So that's all there is to it--only, here about a year ago +they was persuaded to have it done proper at last by a real preacher who +makes Kulanche two Sundays a month. That's why the late date's on that +certificate. The old lady is right kittenish about that; shows it to +everyone, in spite of the fact that it makes her out of been leading +an obliquitous life, or something, for about thirty-eight years. + +"But then, she's a sentimental old mush-head, anyhow. Guess what she told +me out in the kitchen! She's been reading what the Germans did to women +and children in Belgium, and she says: 'Of course I hate Germans; and yet +it don't seem as if I could ever hate 'em enough to want to kill a lot of +German babies!' Wasn't that the confession of a weakling? I guess that's +all you'd want to know about that woman. My sakes! Will you look at that +mess of clouds? I bet it's falling weather over in Surprise Valley. A +good moisting wouldn't hurt us any either." + +That seemed to be about all. Yet I was loath to leave the topic. I still +had a warm glow in my heart for the aged couple, and I could hear Uncle +Henry's bottle of adolescent peach brandy laughing to itself from where +it was lashed to the back of my saddle. I struck in the only weak spot +in the wall. + +"You say they were persuaded into this marriage. Well, who persuaded +them? Isn't there something interesting about that?" + +It had, indeed, been a shrewd stroke. Ma Pettengill's eyes lighted. + +"Say, didn't I ever tell you about Mrs. Julia Wood Atkins, the well-known +lady reformer?" + +"You did not. We have eight miles yet." + +"Oh, very well!" + +So for eight miles of a road that led between green fields on our right +and a rolling expanse of sagebrush on our left, I heard something like +this: + +"Well, this prominent club lady had been out on the Coast for some time +heading movements and telling people how to do things, and she had got +run down. She's a friend of Mrs. W.B. Hemingway, the well-known social +leader and club president of Yonkers, who is an old friend of mine; and +Mrs. W.B. writes that dear Julia is giving her life to the cause--I +forget what cause it was right then--and how would it be for me to have +her up here on the ranch for a vacation, where she could recover her +spirits and be once more fitted to enter the arena. I say I'm only too +glad to oblige, and the lady comes along. + +"She seemed right human at first--kind of haggard and overtrained, but +with plenty of fights left in her; a lady from forty-eight to fifty-four, +with a fine hearty manner that must go well on a platform, and a kind +of accusing face. That's the only word I can think of for it. She'd be +pretty busy a good part of the day with pamphlets and papers that she or +someone else had wrote, but I finally managed to get her out on a gentle +old horse--that one you're riding--so she could liven up some; and we got +along quite well together. + +"The only thing that kind of went against me was, she's one of them that +thinks a kind word and a pleasant smile will get 'em anywhere, and she +worked both on me a little too much like it was something professional. + +"Still, I put it by and listened to her tell about the awful state the +world is in, and how a few earnest women could set it right in a week if +it wasn't for the police. + +"Prison reform, for instance. That was the first topic on which she +delivered addresses to me. I couldn't make much out of it, except that we +don't rely enough on our convicts' rugged honour. It was only a side line +with her; still, she didn't slight it. She could talk at length about the +innate sterling goodness of the misunderstood burglar. I got tired of it. +I told her one day that, if you come right down to it, I'd bet the men +inside penitentiaries didn't average up one bit higher morally than the +men outside. She said, with her pleasantest smile, that I didn't +understand; so I never tried to after that. + +"The lady had a prowling mind. Mebbe that ain't the right word, but +it come to me soon after she got here. I think it was the day she begun +about our drinking water. She wanted to know what the analysis showed +it to contain. She was scared out of her pleasant smile for a minute when +she found I'd never had the water analyzed. I thought, first, the poor +thing had been reading these beer advertisements; you know--the kind they +print asking if you are certain about the purity of your drinking water, +telling of the fatal germs that will probably be swimming there, and +intimating that probably the only dead-safe bet when you are thirsty +is a pint of their pure, wholesome beer, which never yet gave typhoid +fever to any one. But, no; Julia just thought all water ought to be +analyzed on general principles, and wouldn't I have a sample of ours +sent off at once? She'd filled a bottle with some and suggested it with +her pleasantest platform smile. + +"'Yes,' I says; 'and suppose the report comes back that this water is +fatal to man and beast? And it's the only water round here. What then? +I'd be in a hell of a fix--wouldn't I?' + +"I don't deny I used to fall back on words now and then when her smile +got to me. And we went right on using water that might or might not make +spicy reading in a chemist's report; I only been here thirty years and +it's too soon to tell. Anyway, it was then I see she was gifted with a +prowling mind, which is all I can think of to call it. It went with her +accusing face. She didn't think anything in this world was as near right +as it could be made by some good woman. + +"Of course she had other things besides the water to worry about. She +was a writer, too. She would write about how friction in the home life +may be avoided by one of the parties giving in to the other and letting +the wife say how the money shall be spent, and pieces about what the +young girl should do next, and what the young wife should do if +necessary, and so on. For some reason she was paid money for these +pieces. + +"However, she was taking longer rides and getting her pep back, which +was what she had come here for. And having failed to reform anything +on the Arrowhead, she looked abroad for more plastic corruption as you +might say. She rode in one night and said she was amazed that this here +community didn't do something about Dave Pickens. That's the place we +stopped this morning. She said his children were neglected and starving, +his wife worked to the bone, and Dave doing nothing but play on a cheap +fiddle! How did they get their bread from day to day? + +"I told her no one in the wide world had ever been able to answer this +puzzle. There was Dave and his wife and five children, all healthy, and +eating somehow, and Dave never doing a stroke of work he could side-step. +I told her it was such a familiar puzzle we'd quit being puzzled by it. + +"She said someone ought to smash his fiddle and make him work. She said +she would do something about it. I applauded. I said we needed new blood +up here and she seemed to of fetched it. + +"She come back the next day with a flush of triumph on her severely +simple face. And guess the first thing she asked me to do! She asked me +to take chances in a raffle for Dave's fiddle. Yes, sir; with her kind +words and pleasant smile she had got Dave to consent to raffle off his +fiddle, and she was going to sell twenty-four chances at fifty cents a +chance, which would bring twelve dollars cash to the squalid home. I had +to respect the woman at that moment. + +"'There they are, penniless,' says she, 'and in want for the barest +necessities; and this man fiddling his time away! I had a struggle +persuading him to give up his wretched toy; but I've handled harder +cases. You should of seen the light in the mother's wan face when +he consented! The twelve dollars won't be much, though it will do +something for her and those starving children; and then he will no +longer have the instrument to tempt him.' + +"I handed over a dollar for two chances right quick, and Julia went out +to the bunk-house and wormed two dollars out of the boys there. And next +day she was out selling off the other chances. She didn't dislike the +work. It give her a chance to enter our homes and see if they needed +reforming, and if the children was subjected to refining influences, and +so on. The first day she scared parties into taking fifteen tickets, and +the second day she got rid of the rest; and the next Sunday she held the +drawing over at Dave's house. The fiddle was won by a nester from over in +Surprise Valley, who had always believed he could play one if he only +had a fair chance. + +"So this good deed was now completed, there being no music, and twelve +dollars in the Pickens home that night. And Mrs. Julia now felt that she +was ready for the next big feat of uplift, which was a lot more important +because it involved the very sanctity of the marriage tie. Yes, sir; +she'd come back from her prowling one night and told me in a hushed +voice, behind a closed door, about a couple that had been for years +living in a state of open immorality. + +"I didn't get her, at first, not thinking of Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie. +But she meant just them two. I give her a good hearty laugh, at first; +but it pained her so much I let her talk. It seems she'd gone there to +sell raffle tickets, and they'd taken four, and cooked food for her, and +give her some cherry cordial, which she took on account of being far from +a strong woman; and then Aunt Mollie had told all her past life, with +this horrid scandal about the notary public sticking innocently out of +it. + +"Mrs. Julia hadn't been able to see anything but the scandal, she being +an expert in that line. So she had started in to persuade Aunt Mollie +that it was her sacred duty to be married decently to her companion in +crime for forty years. And Aunt Mollie had been right taken with the +idea; in fact, she had entered into it with a social enthusiasm that +didn't seem to Mrs. Julia to have quite enough womanly shame for her dark +past in it. Still, anything to get the guilty couple lawful wedded; +and before she left it was all fixed. Uncle Henry was to make an honest +woman of Aunt Mollie as soon as she could get her trousseau ready. + +"Me? I didn't know whether to laugh or get mad. I said the original +marriage had satisfied the peace and dignity of the state of Washington; +and it had done more--it had even satisfied the neighbours. So why not +let it rest? But, no, indeedy! It had never been a marriage in the sight +of God and couldn't be one now. Facts was facts! And she talked some more +about Aunt Mollie not taking her false position in the proper way. + +"It had been Mrs. Julia's idea to have the preacher come up and commit +this ceremony quite furtively, with mebbe a couple of legal witnesses, +keeping everything quiet, so as not to have a public scandal. But nothing +like that for the guilty woman! She was going to have a trousseau and a +wedding, with guests and gayety. She wasn't taking it the right way at +all. It seemed like she wanted all the scandal there was going. + +"'Really, I can't understand the creature,' says Mrs. Julia. 'She even +speaks of a wedding breakfast! Can you imagine her wishing to flaunt such +a thing?' + +"It was then I decided to laugh instead of telling this lady a few things +she couldn't of put in an article. I said Aunt Mollie's taking it this +way showed how depraved people could get after forty years of it; and we +must try to humour the old trollop, the main thing being to get her and +her debased old Don Juan into a legal married state, even if they did +insist on going in with a brass band. Julia said she was glad I took it +this way. + +"She came back to my room again that night, after her hair was down. The +only really human thing this lady ever did, so far as I could discover, +was to put some of this magic remedy on her hair that restores the +natural colour if the natural colour happened to be what this remedy +restores it to. Any way, she now wanted to know if I thought it was right +for Aunt Mollie to continue to reside there in that house between now and +the time when they would be lawful man and wife. I said no; I didn't +think it was right. I thought it was a monstrous infamy and an affront +to public morals; but mebbe we better resolve to ignore it and plow a +straight furrow, without stopping to pull weeds. She sadly said she +supposed I was right. + +"So Uncle Henry hitched up his fat white horse to the buggy, and him and +Aunt Mollie drove round the country for three days, inviting folks to +their wedding. Aunt Mollie had the time of her life. It seemed as if +there wasn't no way whatever to get a sense of shame into that brazen old +hussy. And when this job was done she got busy with her trousseau, which +consisted of a bridge gown in blue organdie, and a pair of high white +shoes. She didn't know what a bridge gown was for, but she liked the +looks of one in a pattern book and sent down to Red Gap for Miss +Gunslaugh to bring up the stuff and make it. And she'd always had this +secret yearning for a pair of high white shoes; so they come up, too. + +"Furthermore, Aunt Mollie had read the city paper for years and knew +about wedding breakfasts; so she was bound to have one of those. It +looked like a good time was going to be had by all present except the +lady who started it. Mrs. Julia was more malignantly scandalized by these +festal preparations than she had been by the original crime; but she had +to go through with it now. + +"The date had been set and we was within three days of it when Aunt +Mollie postponed it three days more because Dave Pickens couldn't be +there until this later day. Mrs. Julia made a violent protest, because +she had made her plans to leave for larger fields of crime; but Aunt +Mollie was stubborn. She said Dave Pickens was one of the oldest +neighbours and she wouldn't have a wedding he couldn't attend; and +besides, marriage was a serious step and she wasn't going to be hurried +into it. + +"So Mrs. Julia went to a lot of trouble about her ticket and +reservations, and stayed over. She was game enough not to run out +before Uncle Henry had made Aunt Mollie a lady. I was a good deal +puzzled about this postponement. Dave Pickens was nothing to postpone +anything for. There never was any date that he couldn't be anywhere--at +least, unless he had gone to work after losing his fiddle, which was +highly ridiculous. + +"The date held this time. We get word the wedding is to be held in the +evening and that everyone must stay there overnight. This was surprising, +but simple after Aunt Mollie explained it. The guests, of course, had +to stay over for the wedding breakfast. Aunt Mollie had figured it all +out. A breakfast is something you eat in the morning, about six-thirty or +seven; so a wedding breakfast must be held the morning after the wedding. +You couldn't fool Aunt Mollie on social niceties. + +"Anyway, there we all was at the wedding; Uncle Henry in his black suit +and his shiny new teeth, and Aunt Mollie in her bridge gown and white +shoes, and this young minister that wore a puzzled look from start +to finish. I guess he never did know what kind of a game he was helping +out in. But he got through with the ceremony. There proved to be not +a soul present knowing any reason why this pair shouldn't be joined +together in holy wedlock, though Mrs. Julia looked more severe than usual +at this part of the ceremony. Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie was firm in +their responses and promised to cling to each other till death did them +part. They really sounded as if they meant it. + +"Mrs. Julia looked highly noble and sweet when all was over, like she had +rescued an erring sister from the depths. You could see she felt that the +world would indeed be a better place if she could only give a little +more time to it. + +"We stood round and talked some after the ceremony; but not for long. +Aunt Mollie wound the clock and set the mouse-trap, and hustled us all +off to bed so we could be up bright and early for the wedding breakfast. +You'd think she'd been handling these affairs in metropolitan society for +years. The women slept on beds and sofas, and different places, and the +men slept out in the barn and in a tent Uncle Henry had put up or took +their blanket rolls and bunked under a tree. + +"Then ho! for the merry wedding breakfast at six-thirty A.M.! The wedding +breakfast consisted of ham and eggs and champagne. Yes, sir; don't think +Aunt Mollie had overlooked the fashionable drink. Hadn't she been reading +all her life about champagne being served at wedding breakfasts? So there +it was in a new wash boiler, buried in cracked ice. And while the women +was serving the ham and eggs and hot biscuits at the long table built out +in the side yard, Uncle Henry exploded several bottles of this wine and +passed it to one and all, and a toast was drunk to the legal bride and +groom; after which eating was indulged in heartily. + +"It was a merry feast, even without the lobster salad, which Aunt Mollie +apologized for not having. She said she knew lobster salad went with a +wedding breakfast, the same as champagne; but the canned lobster she had +ordered hadn't come, so we'd have to make out with the home-cured ham and +some pork sausage that now come along. Nobody seemed downhearted about +the missing lobster salad. Uncle Henry passed up and down the table +filling cups and glasses, and Aunt Mollie, in her wedding finery, kept +the food coming with some buckwheat cakes at the finish. + +"It was a very satisfactory wedding breakfast, if any one should ever +make inquiries of you. By the time Uncle Henry had the ends out of half +the champagne bottles I guess everyone there was glad he had decided +to drag Aunt Mollie back from the primrose path. + +"It all passed off beautifully, except for one tragedy. Oh, yes; there's +always something to mar these affairs. But this hellish incident didn't +come till the very last. After the guests had pretty well et themselves +to a standstill, Dave Pickens got up and come back with a fiddle, and +stood at the end of the grape arbour and played a piece. + +"'Someone must have supplied that wretch with another fiddle!' says Mrs. +Julia, who was kind of cross, anyway, having been bedded down on a short +sofa and not liking champagne for breakfast--and, therefore, not liking +to see others drink it. + +"'Oh, he's probably borrowed one for your celebration,' I says. + +"Dave played a couple more lively pieces; and pretty soon, when we got up +from the table, he come over to Mrs. Julia and me. + +"'It's a peach of a fiddle,' says Dave. 'It says in the catalogue it's a +genuine Cremonika--looks like a Cremona and plays just as good. I bet +it's the best fiddle in the world to be had for twelve dollars!' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Julia, erecting herself like an alarmed +rattlesnake. + +"'Sure! It's a genuine twelve-dollar one,' says Dave proudly. 'My old +one, that you so kindly raffled off, cost only five. I always wanted a +better one, but I never had the money to spare till you come along. It's +awful hard to save up money round here.' + +"'Do you mean to tell me--' says Mrs. Julia. She was so mad she couldn't +get any farther. Dave thought she was merely enthusiastic about his new +fiddle. + +"'Sure! Only twelve dollars for this beauty,' he says, fondling the +instrument. 'We got down the mail-order catalogue the minute you left +that money with us, and had a postal order on the way to Chicago that +very night. I must say, lady, you brought a great pleasure into our +life.' + +"'What about your poor wife?' snaps Mrs. Julia. + +"His poor wife comes up just then and looks affectionately at Dave and +the new fiddle. + +"'He spent that money for another fiddle!' says Mrs. Julia to her in low +tones of horror. + +"'Sure! What did you think he was going to do with it?' says Mrs. Dave. +'I must say we had two mighty dull weeks while Dave was waiting for this +new one. He just mopes round the house when he ain't got anything +to play on. But this is a lot better than the old fiddle; it was worth +waiting for. Did you thank the lady, Dave?' + +"Mrs. Julia was now plumb speechless and kind of weak. And on top of +these blows up comes Aunt Mollie the new-wed, and beams fondly on her. + +"'There!' says she. 'Ain't that a fine new fiddle that Dave bought with +his twelve dollars? And wasn't it worth postponing my wedding for, so we +could have some music?' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Julia again. 'Why did you postpone it?' + +"'Because the fiddle didn't get here till last night,' says Aunt Mollie, +'and I wasn't going to have a wedding without music. It wouldn't seem +right. And don't you think, yourself, it's a lot better fiddle than +Dave's old one?' + +"So this poor Mrs. Julia woman was now stricken for fair, thinking of all +the trouble she'd been to about her tickets, and all to see this new +fiddle. + +"She went weakly into the house and lay down, with a headache, till I was +ready to leave the gay throng. And the next day she left us to our fate. +Still, she'd done us good. Dave has a new fiddle and Aunt Mollie has her +high white shoes. So now you know all about it." + +We neared the Arrowhead gate. Presently its bell would peal a sweet +message to those who laboured. Ma Pettengill turned in her saddle to scan +the western horizon. + +"A red sun has water in his eye," said she. "Well, a good soak won't hurt +us." + +And a moment later: + +"Curious thing about reformers: They don't seem to get a lot of pleasure +out of their labours unless the ones they reform resist and suffer, and +show a proper sense of their degradation. I bet a lot of reformers would +quit to-morrow if they knew their work wasn't going to bother people +any." + + + + +VI + +THE PORCH WREN + + +So it befell, in a shining and memorable interlude that there was +talk of the oldest living boy scout, who was said to have rats in his +wainscoting; of the oldest living débutante, who was also a porch wren; +and of the body snatcher. Little of the talk was mine; a query now and +again. It was Ma Pettengill's talk, and I put it here for what it may be +worth, hoping I may close-knit and harmonize its themes, so diverse +as that of the wardrobe trunk, the age of the earth, what every woman +thinks she knows, and the Upper Silurian trilobites. + +It might be well to start with the concrete, and baby's picture seems +to be an acceptable springboard from which to dive into the recital. It +came in the evening's mail and was extended to me by Mrs. Lysander John +Pettengill, with poorly suppressed emotion. The thing excited no emotion +in me that I could not easily suppress. It was the most banal of all +snapshots--a young woman bending Madonna-wise above something carefully +swathed, flanked by a youngish man who revealed a self-conscious smirk +through his carefully pointed beard. The light did harshly by the bent +faces of the couple and the disclosed fragment of the swathed thing was +a weakish white blob. + +I need not say that there must be millions of these pathetic revealments +burdening our mails day by day. I myself must have looked coldly upon +over a thousand. + +"Well, what of it?" I demanded shortly. + +"I bet you can't guess what's in that bundle!" said my hostess in a large +playful manner. + +I said what I could see of it looked like a half portion of plain boiled +cauliflower, but that in all probability the object was an infant, a +human infant--or, to use a common expression, a baby. Whereupon the lady +drew herself up and remarked in the clipped accent of a parrot: + +"No, sir; it's a carboniferous trilobite of the Upper Silurian." + +This, indeed, piqued me. It made a difference. I said was it possible? +Mrs. Pettengill said it was worse than possible; it was inevitable. She +seemed about to rest there; so I accused her of ill-natured jesting and +took up the previous day's issue of the Red Gap _Recorder_, meaning to +appear bored. It worked. + +"Well, if Professor Oswald Pennypacker don't call his infant that, you +can bet your new trout rod he calls it something just as good. Mebbe I +better read what the proud mother says." + +"It would be the kind thing before you spread evil reports," I murmured +in a tone of gentle rebuke. + +So the woman polished her nose glasses and read a double sheet of +long up-and-down calligraphy--that is, she read until she exploded +in triumphant retort: + +"Ha! There now! Don't I know a thing or two? Listen: 'Oswald is so +enraptured with the mite; you would never guess what he calls it--"My +little flower with bones and a voice!"' Now! Don't tell me I didn't have +Oswald's number. I knew he wouldn't be satisfied to call it a baby; he'd +be bound to name it something animal, vegetable, or mineral. Ain't it the +truth? 'Little flower with bones and a voice!' What do you know about +that? That's a scientist trying to be poetic. + +"And here--get this: She says that one hour after the thing was born the +happy father was caught by the doctor and nurse seeing if it could hold +its own weight up on a broomstick, like a monkey. She says he was acutely +distressed when these authorities deprived him of the custody of his +child. Wouldn't that fade you? Trying to see if a baby one hour old could +chin itself! Quite all you would wish to know about Oswald." + +I hastily said no; it was not nearly all I wanted to know about Oswald. +I wanted to know much more. Almost any one would. The lady once more +studied the hairy face with its bone-rimmed glasses. + +"Shucks!" said she. "He don't look near as proud in this as he does in +that one he sent me himself--here, where is that thing?" + +From the far end of the big table she brought under the lamp a basket +of Indian weave and excavated from its trove of playing cards, tobacco +sacks, cigarette papers, letters, and odd photographs another snapshot +of Oswald. It was a far different scene. Here Oswald stood erect beside +the mounted skeleton of some prehistoric giant reptile that dwarfed yet +left him somehow in kingly triumph. + +"There now!" observed the lady. "Don't he look a heap more egregious by +that mess of bones than he does by his own flesh and blood? Talk about +pride!" + +And I saw that it was so. Here Oswald looked the whole world in the face, +proud indeed! One hand rested upon the beast's kneecap in a proprietary +caress. Oswald looked too insufferably complacent. It was the look to be +forgiven a man only when he wears it in the presence of his first-born. +If snapshots tell anything at all, these told that Oswald was the father +of a mammoth sauropod and had merely dug up the baby in a fossil bed +somewhere. + +"That's where the man's heart really lies," said his stern critic, +"even if he does drivel about his little flower with bones and a voice! +Probably by now he's wishing the voice had been left out of his little +flower." Impressively she planted a rigid forefinger on the print of the +mounted skeleton. + +"That there," she glibly rattled off, "is the organic remains of a +three-toed woolly bronsolumphicus of the carboniferous limestone, or +Upper Silurian trilobite period. I believe I have the name correct. +It was dug up out of a dry lake in Wyoming that years ago got to be +mere loblolly, so that this unfortunate critter bogged down in it. The +poor thing passed on about six million or four hundred million years +ago--somewhere along there. Oswald and his new father-in-law dug it +from its quiet resting place in the old cemetery. Such is their +thrilling work in life. + +"This father-in-law is just an old body snatcher that snoops round +robbing the graves of antiquity and setting up his loot in their museum +at the university. No good telling that old ghoul to let the dead rest. +He simply won't hear of it. He wants remains. He wants to have 'em out +in the light of day and stick labels on their long-peaceful skulls. He +don't act subdued or proper about it either, or kind of buttery sad, like +a first-class undertaker. He's gleeful. Let him find the skeleton of +something as big as a freight car, that perished far in the dead past, +and he's as tickled as a kid shooting at little sister with his new air +gun. + +"Bones in his weakness--and periods of geology. He likes period bones +the way some folks like period furniture; and rocks and geography and +Lower Triassics, and so forth. He knows how old the earth is within a +few hundred million years; how the scantling and joists for it was put +together, and all the different kinds of teeth that wild animals have. +He's a scientist. Oswald is a scientist. I was a scientist myself two +summers ago when they was up here. + +"By the time they left I could talk a lot of attractive words. I could +speak whole sentences so good that I could hardly understand myself. Of +course after they left I didn't keep up my science. I let myself get +rusty in it. I probably don't know so much more about it now than you +would. Oh, perhaps a little more. It would all come back to me if I took +it up again." + +So I said that I had nothing to do for an hour or so, and if she would +not try to be scientific, but talk in her own homely words, I might +consent to listen; in this event she might tell the whole thing, omitting +nothing, however trifling it might seem to her, because she was no proper +judge of values. I said it was true I might be overtaken by sleep, since +my day had been a hard one, reaching clear to the trout pool under the +big falls and involving the transportation back to seventeen rainbow +trout weighing well over seventeen pounds, more or less, though feeling +much like more. And what about Oswald and the primeval ooze, and so +forth. And would it be important if true? The lady said--well, yes, and +no; but, however-- + +He's Professor Marwich up at the university--this confirmed old coroner +I'm telling you about. Has a train of capital letters streaming along +after he's all through with his name. I don't know what they mean--doctor +of dental surgery, I guess, or zoology or fractions or geography, or +whatever has to do with rocks and animals and vertebraes. He ain't a bad +old scout out of business hours. He pirooted round here one autumn about +a dozen years ago and always threatened to come back and hold some more +of these here inquests on the long departed; but I heard nothing until +two summers ago. He wrote that he wanted to come up to do field work. +That's the innocent name he calls his foul trade by. And he wanted to +bring his assistant, Professor Pennypacker; and could I put them up? + +I said if they would wait till haying was over I could and would. He +answered they would wait till my hay was garnered--that's the pretty word +he used--and could he also bring his mouthless chit with him? I didn't +quite make him. He writes a hand that would never get by in a business +college. I thought it might be something tame he carried in a cage, and +would stay quiet all day while he was out pursuing his repulsive +practices. It didn't sound troublesome. + +I never made a worse guess. It was his daughter he talked about that +way. She was all right enough, though astounding when you had expected +something highly zoological and mouthless instead of motherless. She was +a tall roan girl with the fashionable streamline body, devoted to the +ukulele and ladies' wearing apparel. But not so young as that sounds. Her +general manner of conduct was infantile enough, but she had tired eyes +and a million little lines coming round 'em, and if you got her in a +strong light you saw she was old enough to have a serious aim in life. + +She did use massage cream and beauty lotions with a deep seriousness +you wouldn't suspect her of when she sat out in the hammock in the +moonlight and scratched this ukulele and acted the part of a mere porch +wren. That was really the girl's trade; all she'd ever learned. Mebbe +she had misspent her early youth, or mebbe she wasn't meant for anything +else--just a butterfly with some of the gold powder brushed off and the +wings a little mite crumpled. + +Gee! How times have changed since I took my own hair out of a braid! +In them fond old days when a girl didn't seem attractive enough for +marriage she took up a career--school-teaching probably--and was looked +at sidewise by her family. It's different now. In this advanced day a +girl seems to start for the career first and take up marriage only when +all other avenues is closed. She's the one that is now regarded by her +brainy sisters as a failure. I consider it an evil state for the world +to be in--but no matter; I can't do anything about it from up here, with +haytime coming on. + +Anyway, this Lydia girl had not been constructed for any career requiring +the serious use of the head; and yet so far she had failed in the other +one. She was on the way to being an outcast if she didn't pull something +desperate pretty soon. She was looking down on thirty, and I bet her +manner hadn't changed a bit since she was looking up to twenty. + +Of course she'd learned things about her game. Living round a college she +must of tried her wiles on at least ten graduating classes of young men. +Naturally she'd learned technique and feminine knavery. She was still +flirty enough. She had a little short upper lip that she could lift with +great pathos. And the party hadn't more than landed here when I saw that +at last she did have a serious aim in life. + +It was this here assistant to her father, who was named Professor Oswald +Pennypacker; and he was a difficult aim in life, because he didn't need a +wife any more than the little dicky birds need wrist watches. You seen +his picture there. About thirty-five he was and had devoted all his years +to finding out the names of wild animals, which is said to be one of our +best sciences. He hadn't got round to women yet. A good snappy skeleton +of one might of entertained him if he could of dug it up himself and +called it a sedimentary limestone; but he had never trifled with one that +was still in commission and ornamented with flesh and clothes. + +And fussy! I wish you could of seen that man's room after he had +carefully unpacked! A place for everything, and he had everything, +too--everything in the world. And if someone switched his soap over to +where his tooth paste belonged it upset his whole day. The Chink never +dared to go into his room after the first morning. Oswald even made his +own bed. Easy to call him an old maid, but I never saw any woman suffer +as much agony in her neatness. + +His shoes had to be in a row, and his clothes and hats and caps had to +be in a row, and there was only one hook in the room his pyjamas could +lawfully hang on, and his talcum powder had to stand exactly between +the mosquito dope and the bay rum, which had to be flanked precisely by +his manicure tools and succeeded by something he put on his hair, which +was going the way of all flesh. If some marauder had entered his room in +the night and moved his compass over to where his fountain pen belonged +he would of woke up instantly and screamed. + +And then his new wardrobe trunk! This was a great and holy joy that +had come into his bleak life; all new and shiny and complicated, with +a beautiful brass lock, one side for clothes on correct hangers and the +other side full of drawers and compartments and secret recesses, where +he could hide things from himself. It was like a furnished flat, that +trunk. And this was his first adventure out in the great cruel world +with it. He cherished it as a man had ought to cherish his bride. + +He had me in to gaze upon it that first afternoon. You'd of thought he +was trying to sell it to me, the way he showed it off. It stood on end, +having a bulge like a watermelon in the top, so no vandal could stand +it up wrong; and it was wide open to show the two insides. He opened up +every room in it, so I could marvel at 'em. He fawned on that trunk. And +at the last he showed me a little brass hook he had screwed into the +side where the clothes hangers was. It was a very important hook. He hung +the keys of the trunk on it; two keys, strung on a cord, and the cord +neatly on the hook. This, he told me, was so the keys would never +get lost. + +"I always have a dread I may lose those keys," says he. "That would be a +catastrophe indeed, would it not? So I plan to keep them on that hook; +then I shall always know where they are." + +The crafty wretch! He could wake up in the night and put his hand on +those keys in the dark. Probably he often done so. I spoke a few simple +words of praise for his sagacity. And after this interesting lecture on +his trunk and its keys, and a good look at the accurate layout of his one +million belongings, I had his number. He was the oldest living boy scout. + +And this poor girl with the designful eyes on him was the oldest +living debutante. I learned afterward that the great aim of science +is classification. I had these two classified in no time, like I'd +been pottering away at science all my life. Why, say, this Oswald +person even carried a patent cigar lighter that worked! You must of seen +hundreds of them nickel things that men pay money for. They work fine in +the store where you buy 'em. But did you ever see one work after the man +got it outside, where he needed it? The owner of one always takes it out, +looking strained and nervous, and presses the spring; and nothing happens +except that he swears and borrows a match. But Oswald's worked every +time. It was uncanny! Only a boy scout could of done it. + +So they got settled and the field work begun next day. The two men would +ride off early to a place about five miles north of here that used to be +an ancient lake--so I was told. I don't know whether it did or not. It's +dry enough now. It certainly can't be considered any part of our present +water supply. They would take spades and hammers and magnifying glasses +and fountain pens, and Oswald's cigar lighter and some lunch, and come +back at night with a fine mess of these here trilobites and vertebrae; +and ganoids and petrified horseflies, and I don't know what all; mebbe +oyster shells, or the footprints of a bird left in solid rock, or the +outlines of starfish, or a shrimp that was fifty-two million years old +and perfectly useless. + +They seemed to have a good time. And Oswald would set up late writing +remarks about the petrified game they had brought in. + +I didn't used to see much of 'em, except at night when we'd gather for +the evening meal. But their talk at those times did wonders for me. All +about the aims of science and how we got here and what of it. The Prof +was a bulky old boy, with long gray hair and long black eyebrows, and +the habit of prevailing in argument. Him and Oswald never did agree on +anything in my hearing, except the Chink's corn muffins; and they looked +kind of mad at each other when they had to agree on them. + +Take the age of this earth on which we make our living. They never got +within a couple of hundred million years of each other. Oswald was strong +for the earth's being exactly fifty-seven million years old. Trust him to +have it down fine! And the old man hung out for four hundred million. +They used to get all fussed up about this. + +They quoted authorities. One scientist had figured close and found it was +fifty-six million years. And another, who seemed to be a headliner in the +world of science, said it was between twenty million and four hundred +million, with a probability of its being ninety-eight million. I kind of +liked that scientist. He seemed so human, like a woman in a bean-guessing +contest at the county fair. But still another scientist had horned in +with a guess of five hundred million years, which was at least easy to +remember. + +Of course I never did much but listen, even when they argued this thing +that I knew all about; for back in Fredonia, New York, where I went to +Sunday-school, it was settled over fifty years ago. Our dear old pastor +told us the earth was exactly six thousand years old. But I let the poor +things talk on, not wanting to spoil their fun. When one of 'em said the +world was made at least fifty-seven million years ago I merely said it +didn't look anywhere near as old as that, and let it go. + +We had some merry little meals for about a month. If it wasn't the age +of God's footstool it would be about what we are descended from, the +best bet in sight being that it's from fishes that had lungs and breathed +under water as easy as anything, which at least put dimmers on that old +monkey scandal in our ancestry. Or, after we moved outside on the porch, +which we had to do on account of Oswald smoking the very worst cigars he +was able to find in all the world, they would get gabby about all things +in the world being simply nothing, which is known to us scientists as +metaphysics. + +Metaphysics is silly-simple--like one, two, three. It consists of subject +and object. I only think I'm knitting this here sock. There ain't any +sock here and there ain't any me. We're illusions. The sound of that +Chink washing dishes out in the kitchen is a mere sensation inside my +head. So's the check for eighty dollars I will have to hand him on the +first of the month--though the fool bank down in Red Gap will look on +it with uneducated eyes and think it's real. Philosophers have dug into +these matters and made 'em simple for us. It took thousands of books to +do it; but it's done at last. Everything is nothing. Ask any scientist; +he'll make it just as clear to you as a mist in a fog. + +And even nothing itself ain't real. They go to that extreme. Not even +empty space is real. And the human mind can't comprehend infinite space. +I got kind of hot when one of 'em said that. I asked 'em right off +whether the human mind could comprehend space that had an end to it. Of +course it can't comprehend anything else but infinite space. I had 'em, +all right; they had to change the subject. So they switched over to free +will. None of us has it. + +That made me hot again. I told 'em to try for even five minutes and see +if they could act as if they didn't have the power of choice. Of course +I had 'em again. Mebbe there ain't free will, but we can't act as if +there wasn't. Those two would certainly make the game of poker impossible +if folks believed 'em. + +I nearly broke up the party that night. I said it was a shame young men +was being taught such stuff when they could just as well go to some good +agricultural college and learn about soils and crops and what to do in +case of a sick bull. Furthermore, I wanted to know what they would do to +earn their daily bread when they'd got everything dug up and labelled. +Pretty soon they'd have every last organic remains put into a catalogue, +the whole set complete and unbroken--and then what? They'd be out of a +job. + +The Prof laughed and said let the future take care of itself. He said we +couldn't tell what might happen, because, as yet, we was nothing really +but supermonkeys. That's what he called our noble race--supermonkeys! +So I said yes; and these here philosophers that talked about subject and +object and the nothingness of nothing reminded me of monkeys that get +hold of a looking-glass and hold it up and look into it, and then sneak +one paw round behind the glass to catch the other monkey. So he laughed +again and said "Not bad, that!" + +You could kid the Prof, which is more than I can say for Oswald. Oswald +always took a joke as if you'd made it beside the casket holding all that +was mortal of his dear mother. In the presence of lightsome talk poor +Oswald was just a chill. He was an eater of spoon-meat, and finicking. +He could talk like Half Hours With the World's Best Authors, and yet had +nothing to say but words. + +Still, I enjoyed them evenings. I learned to be interested in vital +questions and to keep up with the world's best thought, in company +with these gents that was a few laps ahead of it. But not so with the +motherless chit. This here Lydia made no effort whatever to keep up with +the world's best thought. She didn't seem to care if she never perfected +her intellect. It would of been plain to any eye that she was spreading +a golden mesh for the Oswald party; yet she never made the least clumsy +effort to pander to his high ideals. + +She was a wonder, that girl! All day she would set round the house, +with her hair down, fixing over a lace waist or making fudge, and not +appearing to care much about life. Come night, when the party was due to +return, she would spry up, trick herself out in something squashy, with +the fashionable streamlike effect and a pretty pair of hammock stockings +with white slippers, and become an animated porch wren. That seemed to +be the limit of her science. + +Most motherless chits would of pretended a feverish interest in the +day's hunt for fossil cockroaches, and would even of gone out to chip +off rocks with a hammer; but not Lydia. She would never pretend to the +least infatuation for organic remains, and would, like as not, strike up +something frivolous on her ukulele while Oswald was right in the middle +of telling all about the secret of life. She was confident all the time, +though, like she already had him stuffed and mounted. She reminded me of +that girl in the play What Every Woman Thinks She Knows. + +Lydia had great ideas of cooking, which is an art to ensnare males. She +said she was a dandy cook and could make Saratoga chips that was all to +the Kenosha--whatever that meant. Think of it--Saratoga chips! Over eight +hundred ways to cook potatoes, and all good but one; and, of course, +she'd have to hit on this only possible way to absolutely ruin potatoes. +She could cook other things, too--fudge and stuffed eggs and cheese +straws, the latter being less than no food at all. It gives you a line +on her. + +I suppose it was all you could expect from a born debutante that had been +brought up to be nice to college boys on a moonlit porch, allowing them +to put another sofa pillow back of her, and wearing their class pins, and +so forth. And here she was come to thirty, with fudge and cheese straws +and the ukulele still bounding her mental horizon, yet looking far above +her station to one of Oswald's serious magnitude. + +I never have made out what she saw in him. But then we never do. She +used to kid about him--and kid him, for that matter. She'd say to me: +"He does care frightfully about himself, doesn't he?" And she said to +me and said to him that he had mice in his wainscoting. Mice or rats, +I forget which. Any wise bookmaker would of posted her up in this race +as a hundred-to-one shot. She had plenty of blandishment for Oswald, but +not his kind. She'd try to lure him with furtive femininity and plaintive +melodies when she ought to have been putting on a feverish interest in +organic fauna. Oswald generally looked through or past her. He give a +whole lot more worry to whether his fountain pen would clog up on him. +They was both set in their ways, and they was different ways; it looked +to me like they never could meet. They was like a couple of trained seals +that have learned two different lines of tricks. + +Of course Oswald was sunk at last, sunk by a chance shot; and there +was no doubt about his being destroyed, quantities of oil marking the +surface where he went down. But it seemed like pure chance. Yet, if you +believe Oswald and scientific diagnosis, he'd been up against it since +the world was first started, twenty million or five hundred million years +ago--I don't really know how many; but what's a few million years between +scientists? I don't know that I really care. It's never kept me wakeful +a night yet. I'd sooner know how to get eighty-five per cent. of calves. + +Anyway, it was Oswald's grand new wardrobe trunk that had been +predestined from the world's beginning to set him talkative about his +little flower with bones and a voice; this same new wardrobe trunk that +was the pride of his barren life and his one real worry because he +might sometime lose the keys to it. + +It's an affecting tale. It begun the night Oswald wanted the extra table +put in his room. They'd come in that day with a good haul of the oldest +inhabitants round here that had passed to their long rest three million +years ago--petrified fishworms and potato bugs, and so forth, and rocks +with bird tracks on 'em. Oswald was as near human as I'd seen him, on +account of having found a stone caterpillar or something--I know it had +a name longer than it was; it seemed to be one like no one else had, and +would therefore get him talked about, even if it had passed away three +million years before the Oregon Short Line was built. + +And Oswald went on to ask if he could have this extra table in his room, +because these specimens of the disturbed dead was piling up on him and he +wanted to keep 'em in order. He had lighted one of his terrible cigars; +so I said I would quickly go and see about a table. I said that with his +venomous cigar going I would quickly have to go and see about something +or else have my olfactory nerve resected, which was a grand scientific +phrase I had brightly picked out and could play with one finger. It means +having something done so you can't smell any more. + +The Prof laughed heartily, but Oswald only said he hadn't supposed I +would feel that way, considering the kind of tobacco my own cigarettes +was made of, though he was sorry and would hereafter smoke out of doors. +He took a joke like a child taking castor oil. Anyway, I went out and +found a spare table in the storeroom, and the Chink took it to Oswald's +room. + +The fateful moment was at hand for which Nature had been conspiring all +these ages. The Chink held the table up against him, with the legs +sticking out, and Oswald went ahead to show him where to put it. Close +by the door, inside his room, was the lovely, yawning new trunk. Oswald +must of been afraid one of the table legs would spear it and mar its fair +varnish. He raised one hand to halt the table, then closed the trunk +tenderly, snapped the lock, and moved it over into the corner, beyond +chance of desecration. + +Then he give careful directions for placing the table, which had to be +carried round the foot of the bed and past another table, which held +marine fossils and other fishbones. It was placed between this table +and still another, which held Oswald's compass and microscope and his +kill-kare kamp stove and his first-aid kit and his sportsman's belt +safe--all neatly arranged in line. I had followed to see if there was +anything more he needed, and he said no, thank you. So I come out here +to look over my mail that had just come. + +Ten minutes later I felt the presence of a human being and looked up to +see that Oswald, the oldest living boy scout, was dying on his feet in +the doorway there. His face looked like he had been in jail three years. +I thought he had seen a ghost or had a heart shock. He looked as if he +was going to keel over. He had me scared. Finally he dragged himself over +to the table here and says faintly: + +"I believe I should like a severe drink of whisky!" + +I didn't ask any questions. I saw it must be some private grief; so I got +the whisky. It happened I had just one bottle in the house, and that was +some perfectly terrible whisky that had been sent me by mistake. It was +liquid barbed wire. Even a little drink of it would of been severe. Two +drinks would make you climb a tree like a monkey. But the stricken Oswald +seemed able to outfight it. He poured out half a tumblerful, drunk it +neat and refused water. He strangled some, for he was only human after +all. Then he sagged down on the couch and looked up at me with a feeble +and pathetic grin and says: + +"I'm afraid I've done something. I'm really afraid I have." + +He had me in a fine state by this time. The only thing I could think of +was that he had killed the Prof by accident. I waited for the horrible +details, being too scared to ask questions. + +"I'm afraid," he says, "that I've locked the keys of my new trunk inside +of it. I'm afraid I really have! And what does one do in such a case?" + +I nearly broke down then. I was in grave danger of fatal hysterics. +I suffered from the reaction. I couldn't trust myself; so I got over +to the door, where my face wouldn't show, and called to the Prof and +Lydia. I now heard them out on the porch. Then I edged outside the +door, where people wouldn't be quite so scared if I lost control of +myself and yelled. + +Then these two went in and listened to Oswald's solemn words. The Prof +helped me out a lot. He yelled good. He yelled his head off; and under +cover of his tumult I managed to get in a few whoops of my own, so that +I could once more act something like a lady when I went in. + +Lydia, the porch wren, was the only one to take Oswald's bereavement at +all decent. The chit was sucking a stick of candy she had shoved down +into a lemon. Having run out of town candy, one of the boys had fetched +her some of the old-fashioned stick kind, with pink stripes; she would +ram one of these down to the bottom of a lemon and suck up the juice +through the candy. She looked entirely useless while she was doing this, +and yet she was the only one to show any human sympathy. + +She asked the stricken man how it happened, and he told the whole +horrible story--how he always kept the keys hanging on this little +brass hook inside the trunk so he would know where they was, and how he +had shut the trunk in a hurry to get it out of the way of the table legs, +and the spring lock had snapped. And what did one do now--if anything? + +"Why, it's perfectly simple! You open it some other way," says Lydia. + +"Ah, but how?" says Oswald. "Those trunks are superbly built. How can +one?" + +"Oh, it must be easy," says Lydia, still clinging to her candy sour. +"I'll open it for you to-morrow if you will remind me." + +"Remind you?" says Oswald in low, tragic tones. You could see he was +never going to think of anything else the rest of his life. + +By this time the Prof and I had controlled our heartless merriment; so we +all traipsed in to the scene of this here calamity and looked at the shut +trunk. It was shut good; no doubt about that. There was also no doubt +about the keys being inside. + +"You can hear them rattle!" says the awed Oswald, teetering the trunk on +one corner. So each one of us took a turn and teetered the trunk back and +forth and heard the imprisoned keys jingle against the side where they +was hung. + +"But what's to be done?" says Oswald. "Of course something must be done." +That seemed to be about where Oswald got off. + +"Why, simply open it some other way," says Lydia, which seemed to be +about where she got off, too. + +"But how?" moans the despairing man. And she again says: + +"Oh, it must be too simple!" + +At that she was sounding the only note of hope Oswald could hear; and +right then I believe he looked at her fair and square for the first time +in his life. He was finding a woman his only comforter in his darkest +hour. + +The Prof took it lightly indeed. He teetered the trunk jauntily and says: + +"Your device was admirable; you will always know where those keys are." +Then he teetered it again and says, like he was lecturing on a platform: +"This is an ideal problem for the metaphysical mind. Here, veritably, +is life itself. We pick it up, we shake it, and we hear the tantalizing +key to existence rattle plainly just inside. We know the key to be there; +we hear it in every manifestation of life. Our problem is to think it +out. It is simple, as my child has again and again pointed out. Sit there +before your trunk and think effectively, with precision. You will then +think the key out. I would take it in hand myself, but I have had a hard +day." + +Then Lydia releases her candy long enough to say how about finding +some other trunk keys that will unlock it. Oswald is both hurt and made +hopeful by this. He don't like to think his beautiful trunk could respond +to any but its rightful key; it would seem kind of a slur against its +integrity. Still, he says it may be tried. Lydia says try it, of course; +and if no other key unlocks it she will pick the lock with a hairpin. +Oswald is again bruised by this suggestion; but he bears up like a man. +And so we dig up all the trunk keys and other small keys we can find and +try to fool that trunk. And nothing doing! + +"I was confident of it," says Oswald; he's really disappointed, yet proud +as Punch because his trunk refuses coldly to recognize these strange +keys. + +Then Lydia brings a bunch of hairpins and starts to be a burglar. She +says in clear tones that it is perfectly simple; and she keeps on saying +exactly this after she's bent the whole pack out of shape and not won a +trick. Yet she cheered Oswald a lot, in spite of her failures. She never +for one instant give in that it wasn't simple to open a trunk without the +key. + +But it was getting pretty late for one night, so Oswald and Lydia knocked +off and set out on the porch a while. Oswald seemed to be awakening +to her true woman's character, which comes out clad in glory at times +when things happen. She told him she would sure have that trunk opened +to-morrow with some more hairpins--or something. + +But in the morning she rushed to Oswald and said they would have the +blacksmith up to open it. He would be sure to open it in one minute with +a few tools; and how stupid of her not to of thought of it before! I +liked that way she left Oswald out of any brain work that had to be done. +So they sent out to Abner to do the job, telling him what was wanted. + +Abner is a simple soul. He come over with a hammer and a cold chisel to +cut the lock off. He said there wasn't any other way. Oswald listened +with horror to this cold-blooded plan of murder and sent Abner sternly +away. Lydia was indignant, too, at the painful suggestion. She said Abner +was a shocking old bounder. + +Then Oswald had to go out to his field work; but his heart couldn't +of been in it that day. I'll bet he could of found the carcass of a +petrified zebra with seven legs and not been elated by it. He had +only the sweet encouragement of Lydia to brace him. He was depending +pathetically on that young woman. + +He got back that night to find that Lydia had used up another pack of +hairpins and a number of the tools from my sewing machine. All had been +black failure, but she still said it was perfectly simple. She never lost +the note of hope out of her voice. Oswald was distressed, but he had to +regard her more and more like an object of human interest. + +She now said it was a simple matter of more keys. So the next day I sent +one of the boys down to Red Gap; and he rode a good horse to its finish +and come back with about five dozen nice little trunk keys with sawed +edges. They looked cheerful and adequate, and we spent a long, jolly +evening trying 'em out. Not one come anywhere near getting results. + +Oswald's trunk was still haughty, in spite of all these overtures. Oswald +was again puffed up with pride, it having been shown that his trunk was +no common trunk. He said right out that probably the only two keys in all +the world that would open that lock was the two hanging inside. He never +passed the trunk without rocking it to hear their sad tinkle. + +Lydia again said, nonsense! It was perfectly simple to open a trunk +without the right key. Oswald didn't believe her, and yet he couldn't +help taking comfort from her. I guess that was this girl's particular +genius--not giving up when everyone else could see that she was talking +half-witted. Anyway, she was as certain as ever, and I guess Oswald +believed her in spite of himself. His ponderous scientific brain told +him one thing in plain terms, and yet he was leaning on the words of a +chit that wouldn't know a carboniferous vertebra from an Upper Silurian +gerumpsus. + +The keys had gone back, hairpins was proved to be no good, and scientific +analysis had fell down flat. There was the trunk and there was the keys +inside; and Oswald was taking on a year in age every day of his life. He +was pretty soon going to be as old as the world if something didn't +happen. He'd got so that every time he rocked the trunk to hear the keys +rattle he'd shake his head like the doctor shakes it at a moving-picture +deathbed to show that all is over. He was in a pitch-black cavern miles +underground, with one tiny candle beam from a possible rescuer faintly +showing from afar, which was the childish certainty of this oldest living +débutante that it was perfectly simple for a woman to do something +impossible. She was just blue-eyed confidence. + +After the men left one morning on their hunt for long-defunct wood ticks +and such, Lydia confided to me that she was really going to open that +trunk. She was going to put her mind on it. She hadn't done this yet, +it seemed, but to-day she would. + +"The poor boy has been rudely jarred in his academic serenity," says she. +"He can't bear up much longer; he has rats in his wainscoting right now. +It makes me perfectly furious to see a man so helpless without a woman. +Today I'll open his silly old trunk for him." + +"It will be the best day's work you ever done," I says, and she nearly +blushed. + +"I'm not thinking of that," she says. + +The little liar! As if she hadn't seen as well as I had how Oswald was +regarding her with new eyes. So I wished her good luck and started out +myself, having some field work of my own to do that day in measuring +a lot of haystacks down at the lower end of the ranch. + +She said there would be no luck in it--nothing but cool determination +and a woman's intuition. I let it go at that and went off to see that +I didn't get none of the worst of it when this new hay was measured. +I had a busy day, forgetting all scientific problems and the uphill fight +our sex sometimes has in bringing a man to his just mating sense. + +I got back about five that night. Here was Miss Lydia, cool and negligent +on the porch, like she'd never had a care in the world; fresh dressed in +something white and blue, with her niftiest hammock stockings, and +tinkling the ukulele in a bored and petulant manner. + +"Did you open it?" I says as I went in. + +"Open it?" she says, kind of blank. "Oh, you mean that silly old trunk! +Yes, I believe I did. At least I think I did." + +It was good stage acting; an audience would of thought she had forgotten. +So I took it as calm as she did and went in to change. + +By the time I got out the men was just coming in, the Prof being +enthusiastic about some clamshells of the year six million B. C. and +Oswald bearing his great sorrow with an effort to do it bravely. + +Lydia nodded distantly and then ignored the men in a pointed way, +breaking out into rapid chatter to me about the lack of society up +here--didn't I weary of the solitude, never meeting people of the right +sort? It was a new line with her and done for effect, but I couldn't +see what effect. + +Supper was ready and we hurried in to it; so I guess Oswald must of +forgot for one time to shake his trunk and listen to the pretty little +keys. And all through the meal Lydia confined her attentions entirely to +me. She ignored Oswald mostly, but if she did notice him she patronized +him. She was painfully superior to him, and severe and short, like he was +a little boy that had been let to come to the table with the grown-ups +for this once. She rattled along to me about the club dances at home, +and how they was going to have better music this year, and how the +assembly hall had been done over in a perfectly dandy colour scheme by +the committee she was on, and a lot of girlish babble that took up much +room but weighed little. + +Oswald would give her side looks of dumb appeal from time to time, for +she had not once referred to anything so common as a trunk. He must of +felt that her moral support had been withdrawn and he was left to face +the dread future alone. He probably figured that she'd had to give up +about the trunk and was diverting attention from her surrender. He hardly +spoke a word and disappeared with a look of yearning when we left the +table. The rest of us went out on the porch. Lydia was teasing the +ukulele when Oswald appeared a few minutes later, with great excitement +showing in his worn face. + +"I can hear the keys no longer," says he; "not a sound of them! Mustn't +they have fallen from the hook?" + +Lydia went on stripping little chords from the strings while she answered +him in lofty accents. + +"Keys?" she says. "What keys? What is the man talking of? Oh, you mean +that silly old trunk! Are you really still maundering about that? Of +course the keys aren't there! I took them out when I opened it to-day. I +thought you wanted them taken out. Wasn't that what you wanted the trunk +open for--to get the keys? Have I done something stupid? Of course I can +put them back and shut it again if you only want to listen to them." + +Oswald had been glaring at her with his mouth open like an Upper Triassic +catfish. He tried to speak, but couldn't move his face, which seemed to +be frozen. Lydia goes on dealing off little tinkles of string music in a +tired, bored way and turns confidentially to me to say she supposes there +is really almost no society up here in the true sense of the word. + +"You opened that trunk?" says Oswald at last in tones like a tragedian at +his big scene. + +Lydia turned to him quite prettily impatient, as if he was something +she'd have to brush off in a minute. + +"Dear, dear!" she says. "Of course I opened it. I told you again and +again it was perfectly simple. I don't see why you made so much fuss +about it." + +Oswald turned and galloped off to his room with a glad shout. That showed +the male of him, didn't it?--not staying for words of gratitude to his +saviour, but beating it straight to the trunk. + +Lydia got up and swaggered after him. She had been swaggering all the +evening. She acted like a duchess at a slumming party. The Prof and I +followed her. + +Oswald was teetering the trunk in the old familiar way, with one ear +fastened to its shiny side. + +"It's true! It's true!" he says in hushed tones. "The keys are gone." + +"Naughty, naughty!" says Lydia. "Haven't I told you I took them out?" + +Oswald went over and set limply down on his bed, while we stood in the +doorway. + +"How did you ever do it?" says he with shining eyes. + +"It was perfectly simple," says Lydia. "I simply opened it--that's all!" + +"I have always suspected that the great secret of life would be almost +too simple when once solved," says the Prof. + +"It only needed a bit of thought," says the chit. + +Then Oswald must of had a sudden pang of fear. He flew over and examined +the lock and all the front surface of his treasure. He was looking for +signs of rough work, thinking she might of broken into it in some coarse +manner. But not a scratch could he find. He looked up at Lydia out of +eyes moist with gratitude. + +"You wonderful, wonderful woman!" says he, and any one could know he +meant it from the heart out. + +Lydia was still superior and languid, and covered up a slight yawn. +She said she was glad if any little thing she could do had made life +pleasanter for him. This has been such a perfectly simple thing--very, +very far from wonderful. + +Oswald now begun to caper round the room like an Airedale pup, and says +let's have the keys and open the trunk up, so he can believe his own +eyes. + +Then Lydia trifled once more with a human soul. She froze in deep thought +a long minute then says: + +"Oh, dear! Now what did I do with those wretched old keys?" + +Oswald froze, too, with a new agony. Lydia put a hand to her pale +forehead and seemed to try to remember. There was an awful silence. +Oswald was dashed over the cliff again. + +"Can't you think?" says the wounded man. "Can't you remember? Try! Try!" + +"Now let me see," says Lydia. "I know I had them out in the living +room--" + +"Why did you ever take them out there?" demands Oswald in great terror; +but the heroine pays no attention whatever to this. + +"--and later, I think--I think--I must have carried them into my room. +Oh, yes; now I remember I did. And then I emptied my wastebasket into the +kitchen stove. Now I wonder if they could have been in with that rubbish +I burned! Let me think!" And she thought again deeply. + +Oswald give a hollow groan, like some of the very finest chords in his +being had been tore asunder. He sunk limp on the bed again. + +"Wouldn't it be awkward if they were in that rubbish?" says Lydia. +"Do you suppose that fire would destroy the silly things? Let me think +again." + +The fiend kept this up for three minutes more. It must of seemed longer +to Oswald than it takes for a chinch bug to become a carboniferous +Jurassic. She was committing sabotage on him in the cruellest way. +Then, after watching his death agony with cold eyes and pretending to +wonder like a rattled angel, she brightens up and says: + +"Oh, goody! Now I remember everything. I placed them right here." And she +picked the keys off the table, where they had been hid under some +specimens of the dead and gone. + +Oswald give one athletic leap and had the precious things out of her +feeble grasp in half a second. His fingers trembled horrible, but he +had a key in the lock and turned it and threw the sides of the grand +old monument wide open. He just hung there a minute in ecstasy, fondling +the keys and getting his nerve back. Then he turns again on Lydia the +look of a proud man who is ready to surrender his whole future life to +her keeping. + +Lydia had now become more superior than ever. She swaggered round the +room, and when she didn't swagger she strutted. And she says to Oswald: + +"I'm going to make one little suggestion, because you seem so utterly +helpless: You must get a nice doormat to lay directly in front of your +trunk, and you must always keep the key under this mat. Lock the trunk +and hide the key there. It's what people always do, and it will be quite +safe, because no one would ever think of looking under a doormat for a +key. Now isn't that a perfectly darling plan?" + +Oswald had looked serious and attentive when she begun this talk, but he +finally got suspicious that she was making some silly kind of a joke. He +grinned at her very foolish and again says: "You wonderful woman!" It was +a caressing tone--if you know what I mean. + +Lydia says "Oh, dear, won't he ever stop his silly chatter about his +stupid old trunk?" It seems to her that nothing but trunk has been talked +of in this house for untold ages. She's tired to death of the very word. +Then she links her arm in mine in a sweet girlish fashion and leads me +outside, where she becomes a mere twittering porch wren once more. + +Oswald followed, you can bet. And every five minutes he'd ask her how did +she ever--really now--open the trunk. But whenever he'd ask she would put +the loud pedal on the ukulele and burst into some beachy song about You +and I Together in the Moonlight, Love. Even the Prof got curious and +demanded how she had done what real brains had failed to pull off--and +got the same noisy answer. Later he said he had been wrong to ask. He +said the answer would prove to be too brutally simple, and he always +wanted to keep it in his thought life as a mystery. It looked like he'd +have to. I was dying to know myself, but had sense enough not to ask. + +The girl hardly spoke to Oswald again that night, merely giving him these +cold showers of superiority when he would thrust himself on her notice. +And she kept me out there with her till bedtime, not giving the happy +trunk owner a chance at her alone. That girl had certainly learned a few +things beyond fudge and cheese straws in her time. She knew when she had +the game won. + +Sure, it was all over with Oswald. He had only one more night when he +could call himself a free man; he tried hard enough not to have even +that. He looked like he wanted to put a fence round the girl, elk-high +and bull-tight. Of course it's possible he was landed by the earnest wish +to find out how she had opened his trunk; but she never will tell him +that. She discussed it calmly with me after all was over. She said poor +Oswald had been the victim of scientific curiosity, but really it was +time for her to settle down. + +We was in her room at the time and she was looking at the tiny lines +round her eyes when she said it. She said, further, that she was about +to plan her going-away gown. I asked what it would be, and she said she +hadn't decided yet, but it would be something youth-giving. Pretty game, +that was! And now Oswald has someone to guard his trunk keys for him--to +say nothing of this here new specimen of organic fauna. + + * * * * * + +Then I talked. I said I was unable to reach the lofty altitude of the +Prof when even a fair mystery was concerned. I was more like Oswald with +his childish curiosity. How, then, did the young woman open the trunk? +Of course, I could guess the answer. She had found she could really do it +with a hairpin, and had held off for effect. Still, I wanted to be told. + +"Nothing easy like that," said Ma Pettengill. "She'd been honest with the +hairpins. She didn't tell me till the day before they were leaving. 'It +was a perfectly simple problem, requiring only a bit of thought,' she +says. 'It was the simple thing people do when they find their front door +locked. They go round to the back of the house and pry up a kitchen +window, or something.' She pledged me to secrecy, but I guess you won't +let it go any farther. + +"Anyway, this is what she done: It was a time for brutal measures, so +she'd had Abner wheel that trunk over to the blacksmith shop and take the +hinges off. Abner just loves to do any work he don't have to do, and he +had entered cordially into the spirit of this adventure. It used up his +whole day, for which he was drawing three dollars from me. He took off +one side of four pair of hinges, opened the trunk at the back far enough +to reach in for the keys, unlocked it and fastened the hinges back on +again. + +"It was some job. These hinges was riveted on and didn't come loose easy. +The rear of that trunk must of been one sad mutilation. It probably won't +ever again be the trunk it once was. Abner had to hustle to get through +in one day. I wish I could get the old hound to work for me that way. +They'd just got the trunk back when I rode in that night. It was nervy, +all right! I asked her if she wasn't afraid he would see the many traces +of this rough work she had done. + +"'Not a chance on earth!' says Lydia. 'I knew he would never look at any +place but the front. He has the mind of a true scientist. It wouldn't +occur to him in a million years that there is any other way but the +front way to get into a trunk. I painted over the rivets and the bruises +as well as I could, but I'm sure he will never look there. He may notice +it by accident in the years to come, but the poor chap will then have +other worries, I hope.' + +"Such was the chit. I don't know. Mebbe woman has her place in the great +world after all. Anyway, she'll be a help to Oswald. Whatever he ain't +she is." + + + + +VII + +CHANGE OF VENUS + + +Ma Pettengill and I rode labouring horses up a steep way between two +rocky hillsides that doubled the rays of the high sun back upon us and +smothered the little breeze that tried to follow us up from the flat +lands of the Arrowhead. We breathed the pointed smell of the sage and we +breathed the thick, hot dust that hung lazily about us; a dust like +powdered chocolate, that cloyed and choked. + +As recreation it was blighting; and I said almost as much. Ma Pettengill +was deaf to it, her gray head in its broad-brimmed hat sternly bowed in +meditation as she wove to her horse's motion. Then I became aware that +she talked to another; one who was not there. She said things I was sure +he would not have liked to hear. She hung choice insults upon his name +and blistered his fair repute with calumnies. She was a geyser of +invective, quiet perhaps for fifty yards, then grandly in action. + +"Call yourself a cowman, hey? What you ought to be is matron of a +foundling asylum. Yes, sir!" + +This was among the least fearful of her dusty scornings. And I knew +she would be addressing one Homer Gale, temporary riding boss of the +Arrowhead. Indeed, Homer's slightly pleading accents were now very +colourably imitated by his embittered employer: + +"Yes'm, Mis' Pettengill, it's a matter of life and death; no less. I got +to git off for two days--a matter of life and death. Yes'm; I just got +to!" + +On the completion of this a hoarse hoot of scorn boomed through the haze +and Homer was told that men like himself often caused perfectly decent +people to be tried for murder. And again Homer's rightful job was echoed +as "Matron of a foundling asylum!" + +I felt the embarrassment of one unwittingly come upon the adjustment of +a private grievance. I dropped delicately a few paces behind, unnoticed, +I thought; but Ma Pettengill waited for me to overtake her again. + +Then, as we pushed through the dust together, she told me that her days +were swifter than a weaver's shuttle and spent without hope. If it wasn't +one thing it was another. What she'd like--she'd like to wake up in a +strange place and find she'd clean forgot her name and address, like +these here parties you read about in the papers. And why wouldn't she? A +dry year; feed short on the range; water holes dusty that never did go +dry before; half a hay crop and winter threatening right spang in the +summertime! Think of having to gather cattle off the range in the middle +of August when other times you could let 'em run till the middle of +October! In fact, this was the kind of a year that cattle raisers had a +technical term for. It was known technically as one hell of a year, if +I wanted to be told. + +And having to do the work with mental defectives and cripples and +Bolsheviki, because every able-bodied puncher in the country had +gone over to create a disturbance in Europe! Hadn't she combed out +the county hospital and poor farm to get a haying crew? Didn't the +best cowboy now on the pay roll wear a derby hat and ride a motorcycle +by preference? And paying seventy-five dollars to these imitation +punchers to fight her gentle saddle horses, no colt, it seemed, having +been ridden on the place in the memory of man. + +She didn't know; taking one thing with another, sometimes she almost +wished that the world was going to stay unsafe for democracy. + +Of course this technically described bad year wasn't so bad one way, +because the sheepmen would sure get a tasty wallop, sheep being mighty +informal about dying with the weather below zero and scant feed. When +cattle wasn't hardly feeling annoyed sheep would lie down and quit +intruding on honest cattle raisers for all time. Just a little attention +from a party with a skinning knife was all they needed after that. And so +on, back to Homer Gale, who had gone to Red Gap for two days on a matter +of life and death--and of this the less repeated here the better. + +Now our narrow way spread to a valley where the sun's rays were more +widely diffused and the dust less pervasive. We could see a mile ahead +to a vaster cloud of dust. This floated over a band of Arrowhead cattle +being driven in from a range no longer sustaining. They were being driven +by Bolsheviki, so my informant disclosed. + +We halted above the road and waited for the dusty creatures to plod by us +down to the pleasant lea where feed was still to be had and water was +sweet. Then came the Bolshevik rear guard. It consisted of Silas +Atterbury and four immature grandchildren. + +Grandpa Atterbury was ninety-three and doing his first labour since he +retired, at eighty-five. The grandchildren, two male and two female, +should have been playing childish games. And they were Bolsheviki, +all because they had refused to bring in this bunch of stock except +for the wage customarily paid to trained adults. Even the youngest, +known as Sissy Atterbury, aged eight and looking younger, despite her +gray coating of powdered alkali, had tenaciously held out for a grown +man's pay, which made her something even worse than a Bolshevik; it +made her an I.W.W. + +But, as Ma Pettengill said, what could a lady do when Fate had a +stranglehold on her. There was, indeed, nothing to do but tell Sissy to +tell one of her incendiary brothers to get up close to grandpa, and yell +good and loud at him, and make him understand he was to get a count on +that bunch at the first gate, because it didn't look to us that there was +over three hundred head where there ought to be at least five hundred. + +And then there was nothing to do but ride ahead of the toiling beasts +and again down the narrow way that would bring us to the lowlands of the +Arrowhead, where the dust no longer choked and one could see green and +smell water. From the last mesa we looked out over the Arrowhead's flat +fields, six thousand acres under fence, with the ranch house and +outbuildings hazy in the distance. + +It was a pleasant prospect and warmed Ma Pettengill from her mood of +chill negation. She remarked upon the goodliness of the scene, quite as +if the present were not a technical year for cattle raisers. Then, as +we jogged the six miles home by peaceful thoroughfares, the lady, being +questioned persistently and suitably, spoke with utter freedom of Homer +Gale, who had shamefully deserted his job for two days at the busiest +end of the season, when a white man wouldn't of thought of leaving, even +on a matter of life and death. + +Had Homer the shadow of an excuse? We shall see. + +Well, then, this here celluloid imitation of a cowman that I been using +violent words about come into the valley three years ago and rapidly got +a lot of fame by reason of being a confirmed bachelor and hating the +young of the human species with bitterness and constancy. I was the one +that brought him in; I admit that. First time I seen him he was being a +roistering blade in the Fashion Waffle Kitchen down at Red Gap. He was +with Sandy Sawtelle and a couple other boys from the ranch here, and +Sandy tells me later that he is looking for work, being a good cowhand. +I said he looked like something else, being dressed in an uproarious +check suit of clothes that would instantly of collected a crowd in most +city streets. But Sandy says that's all right; he's a regler cowman and +had to wear these startling garments for a disguise to get him safe out +of Idaho. + +It seems he'd been crowded out of that thriving state by a yearning +and determined milliner that had witnesses a-plenty and intended to +do something about it. Defendant claimed he hadn't even meant anything +of the sort and was just being a good pal; but it looked like the cruel +teeth of the law was going to bite right into his savings if this +breach-of-promise suit ever come to trial, the lady having letters from +him in black and white. So Homer had made a strategic retreat, avoiding +contact with the enemy, and here he was. And how about taking him on at +the Arrowhead, where he could begin a new life? + +Needing another hand just then, I fussed none at all about Homer's +scandalous past. I said he could throw in with us; and he did. When he +got dressed in a legal manner he looked like he couldn't be anything else +but a cowhand. About forty and reliable, he looked. So I sent him to a +summer camp over on the Madeline plains, where I had a bunch of cattle on +government range. Bert Glasgow lived in a shack with his wife and family +there and had general charge, and Homer was to begin his new life by +helping Bert. + +His new life threatened to be short. He showed up here late the third +night after he went over, looking sad and desperate and hunted. He did +look that way more or less at all times, having one of these long, sad +moustaches and a kind of a bit-into face. This night he looked worse than +usual. I thought the hellhounds of the law from Idaho might of took up +his winding trail; but no. It was the rosy-cheeked tots of Mr. and Mrs. +Bert Glasgow that had sent him out into the night. + +"Say," he says, "I wouldn't have you think I was a quitter, but if you +want to suicide me just send me back to that horrible place. Children!" +he says. "That's all; just children! Dozens of 'em! Running all over the +place, into everything, under everything, climbing up on you, sticking +their fingers into your eyes--making life unbearable for man and beast. +You never once let on to me," he says reproachfully, "that this Bert had +children." + +"No," I says; "and I never let on to you that he's got a mole on his chin +either. What of that?" + +Then the poor lollop tries to tell me what of it. I saw he really had +been under a nervous strain, all right. Suffering had put its hot iron +on him. First, he just naturally loathed children anyway. Hadn't he run +away from a good home in Iowa when he was sixteen, account of being the +oldest of seven? He said some things in general about children that would +of got him no applause at a mothers' meeting. He was simply afraid to +look a child in the eye; and, from what he'd like to do to 'em all, it +seemed like his real middle name was Molech. Wasn't that the party with +hostile views about children? Anyway, you could see that Homer's idea of +a real swell festivity would be to hide out by an orphan asylum some +night until the little ones had said their prayers and was tucked all +peaceful into their trundle beds and then set fire to the edifice in +eight places after disconnecting the fire alarm. That was Homer, and he +was honest; he just couldn't help it. + +And Bert's tikes had drove him mad with their playful antics. He said +he'd be set down for a bite of dinner and one of 'em would climb up his +back and feel his hair--not saying a word, just taking hold of it; then +it would jump down and another would climb up and do the same thing, and +him not daring to defend himself. He'd got so worked up he was afraid to +stay on the place. + +"And you know," he says--"what I can't understand--danged if Bert don't +seem to kind of like 'em. You may think I'm a liar, but he waited for one +the other morning when it squealed at him and kept a hold of its hand +clean down to the hay barn. What do you think of that? And besides these +that go round infesting the place outside he's got a short yearling and a +long two-year-old that have to be night-herded. I listened to 'em every +night. One yelled and strangled all last night, till I s'posed, of +course, it was going to perish everlastingly; but here this morning it +was acting like nothing at all had happened. + +"All I can say is, Bert don't have much luck. And that littlest yeller +always unswallowing its meals with no effort whatever! It's horrible! +And the mother, with no strength of character--feeble-minded, I +reckon--coddles 'em! She never did cuss 'em out proper or act human +toward 'em. Kids like them, what they need--upside down and three quick +hard ones. I know!" + +I was fool enough to argue with him a bit, trying to see if he didn't +have a lick of sense. I told him to look how happy Bert was; and how +his family had made a man of him, him getting more money and saving more +than ever in his past life. Homer said what good would all that money do +him? He'd only fool it away on his wife and children. + +"He regrets it, all right," says Homer. "I says to myself the other day: +'I bet a cookie he'd like to be carefree and happy like me!'" + +Homer was a piker, even when he made bets with himself. And the short of +it was I sent a man that didn't hate children over to Bert's and kept +Homer on the place here. + +He stayed three months and said it was heaven, account of not having them +unnecessary evils on the place that would squirm round a man's legs and +feel of his hair and hide round corners and peek at him and whisper about +him. Then I changed foremen and Scott Humphrey, the new one, brought +three towheads with him of an age to cause Homer the anguish of the +damned, which they done on the first day they got here by playing that he +was a horse and other wild animals, and trying to pull the rest of his +hair out. + +He come in and cut himself out of my life the day after, shaking his head +and saying he couldn't think what the world was coming to. As near as I +could make him, his idea was that the world was going to be swamped with +young ones if something wasn't done about it, like using squirrel poison +or gopher traps. + +I felt like I wanted to cuff him up to a peak and knock the peak off; but +I merely joked and said it was too bad his own folks hadn't come to think +that way while he could still be handled easy. I also warned him it was +going to be hard to find a job without more or less children on the +outskirts, because ours was a growing state. He said there must be a few +sane people left in the world. And, sure enough, he gets a job over to +the Mortimers'--Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie being past seventy and having +nothing to distress Homer. + +Of course the secret of this scoundrel's get-away from Idaho had got +round the valley, making him a marked man. It was seen that he was a born +flirt, but one who retained his native caution even at the most trying +moments. Here and there in the valley was a hard-working widow that the +right man could of consoled, and a few singles that would of listened to +reason if properly approached; and by them it was said that Homer was a +fiend for caution. He would act like one of them that simply won't take +no for an answer--up to a certain point. He would seem to be going fur +in merry banter, but never to words that the law could put any expensive +construction on. He would ride round to different ranches and mingle at +dances and picnics, and giggle and conduct himself like one doomed from +the cradle to be woman's prey--but that was all. + +Funny how he'd escaped through the years, him having apparently the weak +and pliant nature that makes the ideal husband, and having reached the +time of life when he was putting sheep dip on his hair where the lining +shone through on top. But so it was. And his views on children had also +become widely known. Mothers used to grab up their youngest ones when +he'd go into the post office down at Kulanch or meet one on the road. +He made no hit at all with such views among them that had learned better. +Still there was hopeful ones that thought he might be made to take a joke +sooner or later, and the fact that he was known to save his wages and had +a nice little stake laid by didn't work against him any with such parties +as might have a chance to be swept off their feet by him in a mad moment. + +Then over at the Mortimers' place he meets Mrs. Judson Tolliver, a +plausible widow lady who come into the valley every once in a while to +do sewing round at different ranches. She was a good-built, impressive +person, with a persuading manner; one of these competent ones that can +take charge of affairs and conduct them unassisted, and will do so if +not stopped. Uncle Henry Mortimer brought her to the house in his light +wagon one morning, with her sewing machine in the back. And Homer was +there to help her out and help out with the machine and see it was placed +right in the sitting room; and then help out with her satchel and ask in +a gentlemanly manner if everything was all right--and everything was: +Thank you so much, Mr. Gale! + +This party was no simpering schoolgirl. She was thirty-five or so and +square-jawed, and did her hair plain, and had a managing voice that +would go good at club meetings. She read library books and was a good +conversationalist. And what did she do the first evening, when Homer was +mending one of his shirts by the kitchen lamp, but wrench it away from +him roguishly and do the job herself, while she entertained him with +conversation. It was bound to be entertaining, for she started in about +what trials children was to their tormented parents and how the world +would be brighter and better if it consisted entirely of adults. + +Any one might of thought she'd been hearing gossip about Homer's likes +and dislikes. I know that's what I thought afterward, when he opened his +soul to me. She said what a mercy it was that half a dozen yelling demons +wasn't in this house at that moment to make life an evil thing for all. +And Homer sunned right up and took the talk away from her. While she done +his mending he spoke heatedly of little children in his well-known happy +vein, relating many incidents in his blasted career that had brought him +to these views. The lady listened with deep attention, saying "Ah, yes, +Mr. Gale!" from time to time, and letting on there must be a strong bond +of sympathy between them because he expressed in choice words what she +had so often felt. + +Homer must of been kind of swept off his feet at that very moment, +and the rapids just below him. I guess he'd already been made mushy +sentimental by seeing the ideal romantic marriage between Uncle Henry and +his wife--forty years or so together and still able to set down in peace +and quiet without having something squirm over you to see what you had in +your pockets or ask what made your hair come out that funny way, till you +wished a couple she-bears would rush out and devour forty-two of 'em. + +It was the first of quite many evenings when Homer and the lady would +set with a dish of apples and fried cakes between 'em and denounce +the world's posterity. The lady was even suffering grave doubts about +marriage. She said having to make her own way after she lost her husband +had made her relish her independence too much to think of ever giving it +up again lightly. Of course she wouldn't say that possibly at some time +in the dim future a congenial mate that thought as she did on vital +topics--and so forth--just enough to give Homer a feeling of security +that was wholly unwarranted. Wasn't he the heedless Hugo? + +He was quite wordy about the lady to me when he come over on an errand +one day. He told me all about these delightful talks of theirs, and what +an attractive person she was, sound as a nut, and companionable and +good-looking without being one of these painted dolls. He said, to see +her above her sewing, she was a lovely view that he never tired of gazing +at, and to hear her loathe children was music to the ear. He said she +was a rare woman. I said she must be and asked him if he had committed +himself. + +"Well, I don't say I have and I don't say I haven't," he says; "but here +I be, standing with reluctant feet at the parting of the ways. And who +knows what might happen? I know I've had some darned close shaves from +doing a whole lot worse in my time." + +So I wished him the best of luck with this lady child hater; not that I +thought he'd really get what was coming to him. He was so crafty. He was +one of them that love not well but too wisely, as the saying is. Still, +there was a chance. He was scared to death of fire and yet he would keep +on playing with it. Some day the merry old flames might lick him up. I +hoped for the best. + +A few days after that I went down to the foreman's house late in the +afternoon to see him about a shipment we had to make. Scott was off +somewhere, but his sister was in; so I set talking with her, and +waiting. This here Minna Humphrey was a hectic, blighted girl of thirty, +sandy-haired, green-eyed, and little--no bigger than a bar of soap after +a day's washing. What had blighted the poor thing was having to teach +public school for a dozen years. She'd been teaching down to Kulanche +that year and had just closed up. We set out in front of the house and +Minna told me she was all in; and how she'd ever got through the season +she didn't know. + +She went on to speak of little children. Fire in her voice? Murder! +According to Minna, children had ought to be put in cages soon as they +can walk and kept there till they are grown; fed through the bars and +shot down if they break out. That's what twelve years' enforced contact +with 'em had done to Minna's finer instincts. She said absolutely nothing +in the world could be so repugnant to her as a roomful of the little +animals writing on slates with squeaky pencils. She said other things +about 'em that done her no credit. + +And while I listened painfully who should be riding up but Homer Gale! + +"Here," I says to Minna; "here's a man you'll be a joyous treat to; just +let him come in and listen to your song a while. Begin at the beginning +and say it all slow, and let Homer have some happy moments." + +So I introduced the two, and after a few formalities was got over I had +Minna telling in a heartfelt manner what teaching a public school was +like, and what a tortured life she led among creatures that should never +be treated as human. Homer listened with glistening eyes that got quite +moist at the last. Minna went on to say that children's mothers was +almost as bad, raging in to pick a fuss with her every time a child had +been disciplined for some piece of deviltry. She said mothers give her +pretty near as much trouble as the kids themselves. + +It was a joyous and painful narrative to Homer. He said why didn't Minna +take up something else? And Minna said she was going to. She'd been +working two summers in Judge Ballard's office, down to Red Gap, and was +going to again this summer, soon as she regained a little vitality; and +she hoped now she'd have a steady job there and never have to go back to +the old life of degradation. Homer sympathized warmly; his heart had +really been touched. He hoped she'd rise out of the depths to something +tolerable; and then he told her about Bert's five horrible children that +drove him out into the brush--and so forth. + +I listened in a while; and then I says to Homer ain't it nice for him to +meet someone else that thinks as he does on this great vital topic, Minna +seeming to find young ones as repulsive as Mrs. Judson Tolliver? And how +about that lady anyway? And how is his affair coming on? I never dreamed +of starting anything. I was being friendly. + +Homer gets vivacious and smirks something horrible, and says, well, he +don't see why people make a secret of such things; and the fact is that +that lady and him have about decided that Fate has flung 'em together +for a lofty purpose. Of course nothing was settled definite yet--no dates +nor anything; but probably before long there'd be a nice little home +adorning a certain place he'd kept his eye on, and someone there keeping +a light in the window for him--and so on. It sounded almost too good to +be true that this old shellback had been harpooned at last. + +Then Minna spoke up, when Homer had babbled to a finish, and smirked and +looked highly offensive. She says brightly: + +"Oh, yes; Mrs. Judson Tolliver. I know her well; and I'm sure, Mr. Gale, +I wish you all the happiness in the world with the woman of your choice. +She's a very sterling character indeed--and such a good mother!" + +"How's that?" says Homer. "I didn't hear you just right. Such a good +what?" + +"I said she's such a good mother," Minna answers him. + +Homer's smirk kind of froze on his face. + +"Mother to what?" he says in a low, passionate tone, like an actor. + +"Mother to her three little ones," says Minna. Then she says again quick: +"Why, what's the matter, Mr. Gale?" For Homer seemed to have been took +bad. + +"Great Godfrey!" he says, hardly able to get his voice. + +"And, of course, you won't mind my saying it," Minna goes on, "because +you seem so broad-minded about children, but when I taught primary in Red +Gap last year those three little boys of hers gave me more trouble than +any other two dozen of the pests in the whole room." + +Homer couldn't say anything this time. He looked like a doctor was +knifing him without anesthetics. + +"And to make it worse," says Minna, "the mother is so crazy about them, +and so sensitive about any little thing done to them in the way of +discipline--really, she has very little control of her language where +those children are concerned. Still, of course, that's how any good +mother will act, to be sure; and especially when they have no father. + +"I'm glad indeed the poor woman is to have someone like you that will +take the responsibility off her shoulders, because those boys are now at +an age where discipline counts. Of course she'll expect you to be gentle +with them, even though firm. Oswald--he's eleven now, I believe--will +soon be old enough to send to reform school; but the younger ones, seven +and nine--My! such spirits as they have! They'll really need someone +with strength." + +Homer was looking as if this bright chatter would add twenty years to his +age. He'd slumped down on the stoop, where he'd been setting, like he'd +had a stroke. + +"So she's that kind, is she?" he kind of mutters. "A good thing I found +it out on her!" + +"The children live with their grandmother in Red Gap while their mother +is away," says Minna. "They really need a strong hand." + +"Not mine!" says Homer. Then he got slowly up and staggered down a few +steps toward the gate. "It's a good thing I found out this scandal on her +in time," says he. "Talk about underhandedness! Talk about a woman hiding +her guilty secret! Talk about infamy! I'll expose her, all right. I'm +going straight to her and tell her I know all. I'll make her cower in +shame!" He's out on his horse with his reckless threat. + +"Now you've sunk the ship," I says to Minna. "I knew the woman was +leading a double life as fur as Homer was concerned, but I wasn't going +to let on to the poor zany. It's time he was speared, and this would of +been a judgment on him that his best friends would of relished keenly. +Lots of us was looking forward to the tragedy with great pleasure. You +spoiled a lot of fun for the valley." + +"But it would not have been right," says Minna. "It would truly have been +the blackest of tragedies to a man of Mr. Gale's sensitive fibres. You +can't enter into his feelings because you never taught primary. Also, I +think he is very far from being a poor zany, as you have chosen to call +him." The poor thing was warm and valiant when she finished this, looking +like Joan of Arc or someone just before the battle. + +And Homer never went back and made the lady cower like he said he meant +to. Mebbe it occurred to him on the way that she was not one of them that +cower easy. Mebbe he felt he was dealing with a desperate adventuress, as +cunning as she was false-hearted. Anyway, he weakened like so many folks +that start off brave to tell someone so-and-so right to their faces. He +didn't go back at all till the middle of the night, when he pussyfooted +in and got his things out, and disappeared like he had stumbled down a +well. + +Uncle Henry had to feed his own stock next morning, while Mrs. Tolliver +took on in great alarm and wanted a posse formed to rescue Homer from +wherever he was. Her first idea was that he had been kidnapped and was +being held for ransom; but someway she couldn't get any one else very +hearty about this notion. So then she said he had been murdered, or was +lying off in the brush somewhere with a broken leg. + +It was pointed out to her that Homer wouldn't be likely to come and +collect all his things in the night in order to keep a date with an +assassin, or even to have his leg broke. About the third day she guessed +pretty close to the awful truth and spoke a few calm words about putting +her case in the hands of some good lawyer. + +The valley was interested. It looked like a chance for the laugh of the +year. It looked like the lightnings of a just heaven had struck where +they was long overdue. Then it was discovered that Homer was hiding out +over in the hills with a man after coyotes with traps and poison. His job +must of appealed to Homer's cynical nature at that moment--anything with +traps and poison in it. + +Dave Pickens was the man that found him, he not having much else to do. +And he let Homer know the worst he could think of without mincing words. +He said the deserted fiancée was going to bring suit against Homer for +one hundred thousand dollars--that being the biggest sum Dave could think +of--for breach of promise, and Homer might as well come out and face the +music. + +Homer did come out, bold as brass. He'd been afraid the lady might +gun him or act violent with something; but if she wasn't threatening +anything but legal violence he didn't care. He just couldn't conceive +that a lady with three children could make a suit like that stick against +any man--especially three children that was known to be hellions. He +didn't even believe the lady would start a suit--not with the facts of +her shame known far and wide. He was jaunty and defiant about this, and +come right out of hiding and agreed to work for me again, Scott Humphrey +having sent his wife and children on a visit to Grandma Humphrey. + +But, lands. He didn't earn his salt. Friends and well-wishers took the +jauntiness all out of him in no time. Parties rode from far and near to +put him wise. Ranchers from ten miles up and down the creek would drop +important work just to ride over and tell him harsh facts about the law, +and how, as man to man, it looked dark indeed for him. These parties told +him that the possession of three children by a lawful widow was not +regarded as criminal by our best courts. It wasn't even considered +shameful. And it was further pointed out by many of the same comforters +that the children would really be a help to the lady in her suit, +cinching the sympathy of a jury. + +Also, they didn't neglect to tell him that probably half the jury would +be women--wives and mothers. And what chance would he have with women +when they was told how he regarded children? He spent a good half of the +time I paid him for in listening to these friendly words. They give Homer +an entirely new slant on our boasted civilization and lowered it a whole +lot in his esteem. + +About the only person in the whole valley that wasn't laughing at him and +giving him false sympathy with a sting in its tail was Minna Humphrey. +Homer told her all about the foul conspiracy against his fortune, and how +his life would be blasted by marrying into a family with three outcasts +like he'd been told these was. And what was our courts coming to if their +records could be stained by blackmailers. + +And Minna give him the honest sympathy of a woman who had taught school +twelve years, loathed the sight of any human under twenty, and even +considered that the institution of marriage had been greatly overpraised. +Certainly she felt it was not for her; and she could understand Homer's +wanting to escape. She and him would set out and discuss his chances long +after he had ought to of been in bed if he was going to earn his pay. + +Minna admitted that things looked dark for him on account of the insane +prejudice that would be against him for his views on children. She said +he couldn't expect anything like a fair trial where these was known even +with a jury of his peers; and it was quite true that probably only five +or six of the jury would be his peers, the rest being women. + +Homer told me about these talks--out of working hours, you can bet! How +Minna was the only person round that would stand by anyone in trouble; +how she loathed kids, and even loathed the thought of human marriage. + +"Minna is a nice girl," I told him; "but I should think you'd learn not +to pay attention to a woman that talks about children that way. Remember +this other lady talked the same way about 'em before the scandal come +out." + +But he was indignant that any one could suspect Minna's child hating +wasn't honest. + +"That little girl is pure as a prism!" he says. "When she says she hates +'em, she hates 'em. The other depraved creature was only working on my +better nature." + +"Well," I says, "the case does look black; but mebbe you could settle for +a mere five thousand dollars." + +"It wouldn't be a mere five thousand dollars," says Homer; "it would be +the savings of a lifetime of honest toil and watching the pennies. That's +all I got." + +"Serves you right, then," I says, "for not having got married years ago +and having little ones of your own about your knee!" + +Homer shuddered painfully when I said this. He started to answer +something back, but just choked up and couldn't. + +The adventuress had, of course, sent letters and messages to Homer. The +early ones had been pleading, but the last one wasn't. It was more in the +nature of a base threat if closely analyzed. Then she finished up her +sewing at the Mortimers' and departed for Red Gap, leaving a final +announcement to anybody it concerned that she would now find out if there +was any law in the land to protect a defenseless woman in her sacred +right to motherhood. + +Homer shivered when he heard it and begun to think of making another +get-away, like he had done from Idaho. He thought more about it when +someone come back from town and said she was really consulting a +lawyer. + +He'd of gone, I guess, if Minna hadn't kept cheering him up with sympathy +and hating children with him. Homer was one desperate man, but still he +couldn't tear himself away from Minna. + +Then one morning he gets a letter from the Red Gap lawyer. It says his +client, Mrs. Judson Tolliver, has directed him to bring suit against +Homer for five thousand dollars; and would Homer mebbe like to save the +additional cost--which would be heavy, of course--by settling the matter +out of court and avoiding pain for all? + +Homer was in a state where he almost fell for this offer. It was that or +facing a jury that would have it in for him, anyway, or disappearing like +he had done in Idaho; only this lady was highly determined, and reports +had already come to him that he would be watched and nailed if he tried +to leave. It would mean being hounded from pillar to post, even if he did +get away. He went down and put it up to Minna, as I heard later. + +"I'm a desperate man," he says, "being hounded by this here catamount; +and mebbe it's best to give in." + +"It's outrageous!" says Minna. "Of course you don't care about the money; +but it's the principle of the thing." + +"Well, yes and no," says Homer. "You might say I care some about the +money. That's plain nature, and I never denied I was human." + +So they went on to discuss it back and forth warmly, when a +misunderstanding arose that I was very careful to get the rights +of a couple of weeks later. + +Minna went over the old ground that Homer could never get a fair trial; +then she brightened up all at once and says: + +"Don't you pay it. Don't you do it; because you won't have to if you do +what I say." + +Homer gets excited and says: + +"Yes, yes; go on!" + +And Minna goes on. + +"When people can't get fair trials in a place," she says, "they always +take change of venues." + +"Change of venues?" says Homer, kind of uneasy, it seemed. + +"Certainly," says Minna: "they take change of venues. I've worked in +Judge Ballard's office long enough to know that much. Why didn't I think +of it before? It's your one chance to escape this creature's snare." + +"Change of venues?" says Homer again, kind of aghast. + +"It's your only way out," says Minna; "and I'll do everything I can--" + +"You will?" says Homer. + +"Why, of course!" says Minna. "Any thing--" + +"All right, then," says Homer. "You get your things on, and I'll saddle +your horse and bring him round." + +"What for?" demands Minna. + +"I'm a desperate man!" says Homer. "You say it's the only way out, and +you know the law; so come along to Kulanche with me." And he beat if off +to the barn. + +Well, Minna had said she'd do anything she could, thinking she'd +write herself to Judge Ballard and find out all the details; but if +Homer wanted her to go to Kulanche with him and try to start the thing +there--why, all right. She was ready when Homer come with her horse and +off they rode on the twelve-mile trip. + +I gather that not much was said on the way by Homer who only muttered +like a fever patient from time to time, with Minna saying once in a while +how glad she was she had thought up this one sure way out of his trouble. + +At Kulanche they rode up in front of Old Man Geiger's office, who is +justice of the peace. + +"Wait here a minute," says Homer, and went inside. Pretty soon he come +out and got her. "Come on, now," he says, "I got it all fixed." + +And Minna goes in, thinking mebbe she's got to swear to an affidavit or +something that Homer couldn't get a fair trial among people knowing he +regarded little ones as so many cockroaches or something to step on. + +She got some shock when Homer took her inside and held her tight by the +wrist while Old Man Geiger married 'em. That's about the way it was. She +says she was so weak she could hardly stand up, and she hadn't hardly any +voice at all left. But she kept on saying "Why, Homer!" and "Oh, Homer!" +and "No, no, Homer!" as soon as she discovered that she had been dragged +off to a fate she had always regarded as worse than death; but a lot of +good it done her to say them things in a voice not much better than a +whisper. + +And the dreadful thing was over before she could get strength to say +anything more powerful. There she was, married to a man she thought +highly of, it's true, and had a great sympathy for in the foul wrong one +of her sex had tried to slip over on him; but a man she had never thought +of marrying. I'm telling you what she told me. And after sentence had +been pronounced she kept on saying "Why, Homer!" and "Oh, Homer!" and +"No, no, Homer!" till there was nothing to do but get some clothes out of +her trunk that she'd left down there in time to take the narrow gauge for +their wedding tour to Spokane. + +The news spread over the valley next day like a brush fire in August. It +was startling! Like the newspapers say of a suicide, "No cause could be +assigned for the rash act." They was away ten days and come back to find +the whole country was again giving Homer the laugh because Mrs. Tolliver +had up and married a prosperous widower from over in Surprise Valley, and +had never brought any suit against him. It was said that even the late +Mrs. Tolliver was laughing heartily at him. + +Homer didn't seem to care, and Minna certainly didn't. She was the +old-fashioned kind of wife, a kind you don't hear much of nowadays; the +kind that regards her husband as perfect, and looks up to him. She told +me about the tumultuous wedding. Neither of 'em had had time for any talk +till they got on the train. Then it come out. She says why ever did Homer +do such a monstrous thing? And Homer says: + +"Well, you told me a change of Venus was the only way out for me--" + +"I said a change of venue," says Minna. + +"It sounded like change of Venus," says Homer, "and I knew Venus was the +god of love. And you said you was willing and I knew we was congenial, +and I was a desperate man; and so here we are!" + +So she cried on his shoulder for twenty miles while he ate a box of figs. + +Homer is now a solid citizen, with his money put into a place down at the +lower end of the valley, instead of lying in the bank at the mercy of +some unscrupulous woman with little ones. And here this summer, with his +own work light, he's been helping me out as riding boss; or, at least I +been lavishing money on him for that. + +A fine, dependable hand, too! Here was this bunch of stock to be got in +from Madeline--them Bolshevik ain't gathered more'n two thirds of 'em; +and there's more to come in from over Horse Fly Mountain way, and still +another bunch from out of the Sheep Creek country--the busiest month in a +bad year, when I needed every man, woman, and child to be had, and here +comes Homer, the mush-head, taking two days off! + +"Yes'm, Mis' Pettengill; I just got to take time off to go down to Red +Gap. It's a matter of life and death. Yes'm; it is. No'm; I wouldn't dast +send any one, and Minna agrees I'm the only one to go--" Shucks! + +The lady built a cigarette and, after lighting it, turned back to scan +the mesa we had descended. The cattle now crowded down the narrow way +into the valley, their dust mounting in a high, slow cloud. + +"Call yourself a cowman, do you?" she demanded of the absent Homer. +"Huh!" Then we rode on. + +"What was the matter of life and death?" I asked. + +Ma Pettengill expelled cigarette smoke venomously from inflated nostrils +like a tired dragon. + +"The matter of life and death was that he had to get two teething rings +for the twins." + +"Twins!" + +"Oh, the valley got it's final laugh at Homer! Twins, sure! Most of us +laughed heartily, though there was mothers that said it was God's +judgment on the couple. Of course Homer and Minna ain't took it that way. +They took it more like they had been selected out of the whole world as a +couple worthy to have a blessed miracle happen to 'em. There might of +been single babies born now and then to common folks, but never a case +of twins--and twins like these! Marvels of strength and beauty, having to +be guarded day and night against colic and kidnappers. + +"They had 'em down to the post office at Kulanche the other day showing +'em off, each one in a red shawl; and sneering at people with only one. +And this imbecile Homer says to me: + +"'Of course it can't be hoped,' he says, 'that this great world war will +last that long; but if it could last till these boys was in shape to +fight I bet it wouldn't last much after that. Yes, sir; little Roosevelt +and Pershing would soon put an end to that scrap!' + +"And now they're teething and got to have rubber rings. And no, he +couldn't send any one down for 'em; and he couldn't order 'em by mail +either, because they got to be just the right kind. + +"'Poor little Pershing is right feverish with his gums,' says Homer, 'but +little Roosevelt has got a front one through already. He bit my thumb +yesterday with it--darned near to the bone. He did so!' + +"Calls himself a cowman, does he? He might of been--once. Now he ain't no +more than a woman's home companion!" + + + + +VIII + +CAN HAPPEN! + + +Lew Wee, prized Chinese chef of the Arrowhead Ranch, had butchered, +cooked, and served two young roosters for the evening meal with a +finesse that cried for tribute. As he replaced the evening lamp on the +cleared table in the big living room he listened to my fulsome praise of +his artistry as Marshal Foch might hear me say that I considered him a +rather good strategist. Lew Wee heard but gave no sign, as one set above +the petty adulation of compelled worshipers. Yet I knew his secret soul +made festival of my words and would have been hurt by their withholding. +This is his way. Not the least furtive lightening of his subtle eyes +hinted that I had pleased him. + +He presently withdrew to his tiny room off the kitchen, where, as was +his evening custom for half an hour, he coaxed an amazing number of +squealing or whining notes from his two-stringed fiddle. I pictured him +as he played. He would be seated in his wicker armchair beside a little +table on which a lamp glowed, the room tightly closed, window down, +door shut, a fast-burning brown-paper cigarette to make the atmosphere +more noxious. After many more of the cigarettes had made it all but +impossible, Lew Wee, with the lamp brightly burning, as it would burn the +night through--for devils of an injurious sort and in great numbers will +fearlessly enter a dark room--he would lie down to refreshing sleep. That +fantasy of ventilation! Lew Wee always sleeps in an air-tight room packed +with cigarette smoke, and a lamp turned high at his couchside; and Lew +Wee is hardy. + +He played over and over now a plaintive little air of minors that put +a gentle appeal through two closed doors. It is one he plays a great +deal. He has told me its meaning. He says--speaking with a not unpleasant +condescension--that this little tune will mean: "Life comes like a +bird-song through the open windows of the heart." It sounds quite like +that and is a very satisfying little song, with no beginning or end. + +He played it now, over and over, wanderingly and at leisure, and I +pictured his rapt face above the whining fiddle; the face, say, of the +Philosopher Mang, sage of the second degree and disciple of Confucius, +who was lifted from earth by the gods in a time we call B.C. but which +was then thought to be a fresh, new, late time; the face of subtle eyes +and guarded dignity. And I wondered, as I had often wondered, whether Lew +Wee, lone alien in the abiding place of mad folks, did not suffer a vast +homesickness for his sane kith, who do not misspend their days building +up certain grotesque animals to slaughter them for a dubious food. True, +he had the compensation of believing invincibly that the Arrowhead Ranch +and all its concerns lay upon his own slightly bowed shoulders; that the +thing would fast crumble upon his severance from it. But I questioned +whether this were adequate. I felt him to be a man of sorrow if not of +tragedy. Vaguely he reached me as one who had survived some colossal +buffeting. + +As I mused upon this Ma Pettengill sorted the evening mail and to Lew Wee +she now took his San Francisco newspaper, _Young China,_ and a letter. +Half an hour later Lew Wee brought wood to replenish the fire. He +disposed of this and absently brushed the hearth with a turkey wing. +Then he straightened the rug, crossed the room, and straightened on the +farther wall a framed portrait in colour of Majestic Folly, a prize bull +of the Hereford strain. Then he drew a curtain, flicked dust from a +corner of the table, and made a slow way to the kitchen door, pausing +to alter slightly the angle of a chair against the wall. + +Ma Pettengill, at the table, was far in the Red Gap _Recorder_ for the +previous day. I was unoccupied and I watched Lew Wee. He was doing +something human; he was lingering for a purpose. He straightened another +chair and wiped dust from the gilt frame of another picture, Architect's +Drawing of the Pettengill Block, Corner Fourth and Main streets, Red Gap, +Washington. From this feat he went softly to the kitchen door, where he +looked back; hung waiting in the silence. He had made no sound, yet he +had conveyed to his employer a wish for speech. She looked up at him from +the lamp's glow, chin down, brows raised, and eyes inquiring of him over +shining nose glasses. + +"My Uncle's store, Hankow, burn' down," said Lew Wee. + +"Why, wasn't that too bad!" said Ma Pettengill. + +"Can happen!" said Lew Wee positively. + +"Too bad!" said Ma Pettengill again. + +"I send him nine hundred dollars your money. Money burn, too," said Lew +Wee. + +"Now, now! Well, that certainly is too bad! What a shame!" + +"Can happen!" affirmed Lew Wee. + +It was colourless. He was not treating his loss lightly nor yet was he +bewailing it. + +"You put your money in the bank next time," warned his employer sharply, +"instead of letting it lie round in some flimsy Chinee junk shop. They're +always burning." + +Lew Wee regarded her with a stilled face. + +"Can happen!" he again murmured. + +He was the least bit insistent, as if she could not yet have heard +this utterly sufficing truth. Then he was out; and a moment later the +two-stringed fiddle whined a little song through two closed doors. + +I said something acute and original about the ingrained fatalism of the +Oriental races. + +Ma Pettengill laid down her paper, put aside her glasses, and said, yes, +Chinee one fatal race; feeling fatal thataway was what made 'em such good +help. Because why? Because, going to work at such-and-such a place, this +here fatal feeling made 'em think one place was no worse than another; so +why not stick here? If other races felt as fatal as the Chinee race it +would make a grand difference in the help problem. She'd bet a million +dollars right now that a lot of people wished the Swedes and Irish had +fatal feelings like that. + +I said Lew Wee had the look of one ever expecting the worst; even more +than the average of his race. + +"It ain't that," said my hostess. "He don't expect anything at all; or +mebbe everything. He takes what comes. If it's good or bad, he says, 'Can +happen!' in the same tone of voice; and that ends it. There he is now, +knowing that all this good money he saved by hard labour has gone up in +smoke, and paying the loss no more attention that if he'd merely broke a +string on that squeaky long-necked contraption he saws." + +"He seems careless enough with his money, certainly." + +"Sure, because he don't believe it does the least good to be careful." + +From a cloth sack the speaker poured tobacco into a longitudinally +creased brown paper and adeptly fashioned something in the nature of a +cigarette. + +"Ain't I been telling him for a year to buy Liberty Bonds with his money? +He did buy two, being very pro-American on account of once having a +violent difference with a German; and he's impressed with the button +the Government lets him wear for it. He feels like the President has made +him a mandarin or something; but if the whole Government went flooey +to-morrow he'd just say, 'Can happen!' and pick up his funny fiddle. Of +course it ain't human, but it helps to keep help. I had him six years +now, and the only thing that can't happen is his leaving. I don't say +there wasn't reasons why he first took the place." + +Reasons? So there had been reasons in the life of Lew Wee. I had +suspected as much. I found something guarded and timid and long-suffering +in his demeanour. He bore, I thought, the searing memory of an ordeal. + +"Reasons!" I said, waiting. + +"Reasons for coming this far in the first place. Wanted to save his life. +I don't know why, with that fatal idea he sticks to. Habit, probably. +Anyway, he had trouble saving it--kind of a feverish week." + +She lighted the cigarette and chuckled hoarsely between the first +relishing whiffs of it. + +"Yes, sir; that poor boy believes the country between here and the +coast is inhabited by savages; wild hill tribes that try to exterminate +peaceful travellers; a low kind of outlaws that can't understand a word +you tell 'em and act violent if you try to say it over. And having got +here, past the demons, I figure he's afraid to go back. I don't blame +him." + +Ordinarily, this would have been enough. Now the lady merely smoked and +chuckled. When I again uttered "Well?" with a tinge of rebuke, she came +down from her musing, but into another and distant field. It was the +field of natural history, of zoology, of vertebrates, mammals, furred +quadrupeds--or, in short, skunks. One may as well be blunt in this +matter. + +Ma Pettengill said the skunk got too little credit for its lovely +character, it being the friendliest wild animal known to man and never +offensive except when put upon. Wasn't we all offensive at those times? +And just because the skunk happened to be superbly gifted in this +respect, was that any reason to ostracize him? + +"I ain't sayin' I'd like to mix with one when he's vexed," continued the +lady judicially; "but why vex 'em? They never look for trouble; then why +force it on their notice? Take one summer, years ago, when Lysander John +and I had a camp up above Dry Forks. My lands! Every night after supper +the prettiest gang of skunks would frolic down off the hillside and romp +round us. Here would come Pa and Ma in the lead, and mebbe a couple of +aunts and uncles and four or five of the cunningest little ones, and +they'd all snoop fearlessly round the cook fire and the grub boxes, +picking up scraps of food--right round under my feet, mind you--and +looking up now and then and saying, 'Thank you!' plain as anything, and +what lovely weather we're having, and why don't you come up and see us +some time?--and so on. They kept it up for a month while we was there; +and I couldn't want neater, nicer neighbours. + +"Lysander John, he used to get some nervous, especially after one chased +him back into the tent late one night; but it was only wanting to play +like a mere puppy, I tells him. He'd heard a noise and rushed out, and +there the little thing was kind of waltzing in the moonlight, whirling +round and round and having a splendid time. When it came bounding toward +him--I guess that was the only time in his life Lysander John was scared +helpless. He busted back into the tent a mere palsied wreck of his former +self; but the cute little minx just come up and sniffed at the flap in a +friendly way, like it wanted to reassure him. I wanted him to go out and +play with it in the moonlight. He wouldn't. I liked 'em round the place, +they was so neighbourly and calm. Of course if I'd ever stepped on one, +or acted sudden-- + +"They also tame easy and make affectionate pets. Ralph Waldo Gusted, over +on Elkhorn, that traps 'em in winter to make First-Quality Labrador +Sealskin cloaks--his children got two in the house they play with like +kittens; and he says himself the skunk has been talked about in a loose +and unthinking way. He says a pet skunk is not only a fine mouser but +leads a far more righteous life than a cat, which is given to debauchery +and cursing in the night. Yes, sir; they're the most trusting and +friendly critters in all the woods if not imposed upon--after that, +to be sure!" + +I said yes, yes, and undoubtedly, and all very interesting, and well and +good in its place; but, really, was this its place? I wanted Lew Wee's +reasons for believing in the existence of savage hill tribes between +there and San Francisco. + +"Yes; and San Francisco is worse," said the lady. "He believes that city +to be ready for mob violence at any moment. Wild crowds get together and +yell and surge round on the least provocation. He says it's different in +China, the people there not being crazy." + +"Well, then, we can get on with this mystery." + +So Ma Pettengill said we could; and we did indeed. + +This here chink seems to of been a carefree child up to the time the +civilized world went crazy with a version for him. He was a good cook +and had a good job at a swell country club down the peninsula from San +Francisco. The hours was easy and he was close enough to the city to +get in once or twice a week and mingle with his kind. He could pass an +evening with the older set, playing fan-tan and electing a new president +of the Chinee race, or go to the Chinee theatre and set in a box and chew +sugar cane; or he could have a nice time at the clubrooms of the Young +China Progressive Association, playing poker for money. Once in a while +he'd mix in a tong war, he being well thought of as a hatchet man--only +they don't use hatchets, but automatics; in fact, all Nature seemed to +smile on him. + +Well, right near this country club one of his six hundred thousand +cousins worked as gardener for a man, and this man kept many beautiful +chickens--so Lew Wee says. And he says a strange and wicked night animal +crept into the home of these beautiful birds and slew about a dozen of +'em by biting 'em under their wings. The man told his cousin that the +wicked night animal must be a skunk and that his cousin should catch him +in a trap. So the cousin told Lew Wee that the wicked night animal was a +skunk and that he was going to catch him in a trap. Lew Wee thought it +was interesting. + +He went up to the city and in the course of a pleasant evening at fan-tan +he told about the slain chickens that were so beautiful, and how the +night animal that done it would be caught in a trap. A great friend of +Lew Wee's was present, a wonderful doctor. Lew Wee still says he is the +most wonderful doctor in the world, knowing things about medicines that +the white doctors can't ever find out, these being things that the Chinee +doctors found out over fifteen thousand years ago, and therefore true. +The doctor's name was Doctor Hong Foy, and he was a rich doctor. And he +says to Lew Wee that he needs a skunk for medicine, and if any one will +bring him a live skunk in good condition he will pay twenty-five dollars +in American money for same. + +Lew Wee says he won't be needing that skunk much longer--or words to +that effect--because he will get this one from the trap. Doctor Hong +Foy is much pleased and says the twenty-five American dollars is eager +to become Lew Wee's for this animal, alive and in good condition. + +Lew Wee goes back, and the next day his cousin says he set a trap and the +night skunk entered it, but he was strong like a lion and had busted out +and bit some more chickens under the wing, and then went away from there. +He showed Lew Wee the trap and Lew Wee seen it wasn't the right kind, but +he knows how to make the right kind and will do so if the skunk can +become entirely his property when caught. + +The cousin, without the least argument, agreed heartily to this. He was +honest enough. He explained carefully that the skunk was wished to be +caught to keep it from biting chickens under the wing, causing them to +die, and not for any value whatever it might have to the person catching +it. He says it will be beneficial to catch the skunk, but not to keep it; +that a skunk is not nice after being caught, and Lew Wee is more than +welcome to it if he will make a right trap. The cousin himself was +probably one of these fatal "Can happen!" boys. When Lew Wee says he must +have the skunk alive and in good condition he just looked at him in a +distant manner that Lew Wee afterward remembered; but he only said: "Oh, +very well!" in his native language. + +Lew Wee then found a small peaked-roofed chicken coop, with stout +slats on it, and made a figure-four trap, and put something for bait +on the pointed stick and set the trap, and begun right off to squander +twenty-five dollars that was to come as easy as picking it up in the +road. + +There wasn't any breakfast trade at the country club and Lew Wee was able +to get over across the golf links to the chicken place early the next +morning. The cousin was some distance from the chicken place, hoeing a +bed of artichokes, but he told Lew Wee his trap had been a very wonderful +trap and the night animal was safe caught. Lew Wee was surprised at his +cousin's indifference and thought he should of been over there looking at +the prize. But not so. The cousin was keeping some distance off. He just +told Lew Wee that there was his animal and that he should take it away +with as little disturbance as possible, which would be better far and +near for all concerned. He was strangely cool about it. + +But Lew Wee was full of pleasant excitement and run swiftly to his trap. +Sure enough! There was a nice big beautiful skunk in his trap. Lew Wee +had never seen one. He said it was more beautiful than a golden pheasant, +with rich, shiny black fur and a lovely white stripe starting from its +face and running straight down on each side of its back; and it had a +wonderful waving tail, like a plume. He looked at it joyfully through the +slats. It was setting down comfortably when he come up; so he spoke to +it in a friendly way. Then it got up and yawned and stretched itself, +looking entirely self-possessed, but kind of bored, I suppose, like this +was a poor sort of practical joke to play on a gentleman; so now would +someone kindly lift this box off him? + +The proud owner danced about it in great glee and told it how the nice +doctor wouldn't hurt it any, but would give it a good home, with chicken +for supper, mebbe, and so on. Then he went back to his cousin and give +him a pack of cigarettes, out of his overflowing heart, and asked where +was something he could put his wild animal in and take it to town to his +great friend Doctor Hong Foy, who had a desire for it. + +The cousin took the cigarettes, but he looked at Lew Wee a long time, +like he didn't understand Chinee at all. Lew Wee said it all over again. +He wanted something to take the wild animal to town in, because the +chicken coop it was now in hadn't any bottom; and was too big, anyway. + +The cousin again looked at him a long time, like one in a trance. Then, +without any silly talk, he went over to the barn and handed Lew Wee a +bran sack. + +Lew Wee said that was just the thing; and would the cousin come over +and help him in case the animal would be timid and not want to go in +the sack? The cousin said he would not. And he didn't go back to the +artichokes. He went to a bed of cauliflower clear at the other end of +the garden, after giving Lew Wee another of them long "Can happen!" +looks, which signify that we live in a strange and terrible world. + +Lew Wee went back alone to his prize, finding it still calm, like a +gentleman in his club. He reassured it with some more cheerful words. +He had a thought right then, he says; kind of a sudden fear. He had been +told the first day by his cousin, and also by his great friend Doctor +Hong Foy, that the skunk gave out a strong scent disagreeable to many +people. But this one he'd caught didn't have any scent of any kind. So +mebbe that meant it wasn't in good condition and Doctor Hong Foy wouldn't +wish it for twenty-five dollars. However, it was sure a skunk, and looked +strong and healthy and worth taking in to the doctor, who could then tell +about its condition. + +Lew Wee opened the neck of the bag, laid it on the ground close by him, +got down on his knees, and carefully raised one side of the coop. The +wild animal looked more beautiful than ever; and it didn't seem alarmed, +but just the tiniest mite suspicious. It must of looked like it was +saying it was entirely willing to be friendly, but you couldn't ever tell +about these Chinamen. Lew Wee reached a hand slowly over toward it and it +moved against the back of the coop, very watchful. Then Lew Wee made a +quick grab and caught the back of its neck neatly. + +Of course this showed at once that a Chinaman wasn't to be trusted, and +Lew Wee says it put up a fierce fight, being so quick and muscular as to +surprise him. He was fully engaged for at least thirty seconds; the +animal clawed and squirmed and twisted, and it bit in the clinches and +almost got away. He was breathing hard when he finally got his wild +animal into the sack and the neck tied. + +He says he didn't actually realize until then, what with all the +excitement, that something had gone kind of wrong. He was not only +breathing hard but it was hard breathing. He says he felt awful good +at that moment. He had been afraid his animal might not be in good +condition, but it undoubtedly was. He thought right off that if one in +just ordinary good condition was worth twenty-five dollars to Doctor Hong +Foy, then this one might be worth as much as thirty-five, or even forty. +He thought it must be the best wild animal of that kind in the world. + +So he picked up the sack, with his prize squirming and swearing inside, +and threw it over his shoulder and started back to the country club. He +stopped a minute to thank his cousin once more; but his cousin seen him +coming and run swiftly off in a strange manner, as if not wishing to be +thanked again. Then Lew Wee went on across a field and over the golf +links. His idea was to take the little animal to his room in the +clubhouse and keep it there until night, when he could take it into +town and get all that money for it. He was quite happy and wished he +hadn't scared the poor thing so. + +He thought when he got to his room he might let it out of the sack to +play round there in freedom during the day. He spent the twenty-five +dollars for different things on the way over the golf links. He told me +he knew perfectly well that his pet would be likely to attract notice; +but he didn't realize how much. A Chinese is a wonder. He can very soon +get used to anything. + +But Lew Wee never did get to his room again. When he got up near the +clubhouse some fine people were getting out of a shiny purple motor car +as big as a palace, and they had golf sticks in bags. One of 'em was a +big red-faced man with a fierce gray moustache, and this man begun to +yell at Lew Wee in a remarkable manner. The words being in a foreign +language, he couldn't make 'em out well, but the sense of it was that +the big man wanted him to go away from there. Lew Wee knew he wasn't +working for this man, who was only a club member; so he paid no attention +to him beyond waving his hand friendly, and went on round toward the back +entrance. + +Then out of the side entrance come the chief steward, also yelling, and +this was the man he was working for; so he stopped to listen. It wasn't +for long. He lost a good job as cook in no time at all. Of course that +never bothers a Chinee any; but when he started in to get his things +from his room the steward picked up a golf club with an iron end and +threatened to hurt him, and some of the kitchen help run round from the +back with knives flashing, and the big red-faced man was yelling to the +steward to send for a policeman, and some ladies that had got out of +another big car had run halfway across the golf links, as if pursued by +something, and more people from the inside come to the door and yelled at +him and made motions he should go away; so he thought he better not try +to get his things just then. He couldn't see why all the turmoil, even if +he had got something in prime condition for his friend Doctor Hong Foy. + +It was noticeable, he thought; but nothing to make all this fuss about, +especially if the fools would just let him get it to his own room, where +it could become quiet again, like when he had first seen it in the trap. +But he saw they wasn't going to let him, and the big man had gone in the +front way and was now shaking both fists at him through a side window +that was closed; so he thought, all right, he'd leave 'em flat, without +a cook--and a golf tournament was on that day, too! He was twenty-five +dollars to the good and he could easy get another job. + +So he waved good-bye to all of 'em and went down the road half a mile +to the car line. He was building air castles by that time. He says it +occurred to him that Doctor Hong Foy might like many of these wild +animals, at twenty-five dollars each; and he might take up the work +steady. It was exciting and sporty, and would make him suddenly rich. +Mebbe it wasn't as pleasant work as his cousin did, spending his time +round gardens and greenhouses; but it was more adventurous. He really +liked it, and he would get even more used to it in time so he wouldn't +hardly notice it at all. As he stood there waiting for a trolley car he +must of thought up a whole headful of things he'd buy with all these +sudden emoluments. Several motor cars passed while he waited and he +noticed that folks in 'em all turned to look at him in an excited way. +But he knew all Americans was crazy and liable to be mad about something. + +Pretty soon a car stopped and some people got off the front end. They +stopped short and begun to look all round 'em in a frightened manner--two +ladies and a child and an old man. The conductor also stepped off and +looked round in a frightened manner; but he jumped back on the car quick. +Lew Wee then hopped on to the back platform, with his baggage, just as it +started on. It started quick and was going forty miles an hour by the +time he'd got the door open. The two women in the car screamed at him +like maniacs, and before he'd got comfortably set down the conductor had +opened the front door and started for him. He got halfway down the car; +then he started back and made a long speech at him from the front end, +while the car stopped like it had hit a mountain, throwing everyone off +their seats. + +Lew Wee gathered that he was being directed to get off the car quickly. +The other passengers had crowded back by the conductor and was telling +him the same thing. One old gentleman with a cane, who mebbe couldn't +walk good, had took up his cane and busted a window quick and had his +head outside. Lew Wee thought he was an anarchist, busting up property +that way. Also the motorman, who had stopped the car so soon, was now +shaking a brass weapon at him over the heads of the others. So he thought +he might as well get off the car and save all this talk. He'd got his +fare out, but he put it back in his pocket and picked up his sack and +went out in a very dignified way, even if they was threatening him. He +knew he had something worth twenty-five dollars in his sack, and they +probably didn't know it or they wouldn't act that way. + +He set down and waited for another car, still spending his money. + +The next one slowed down for him; but all at once it started up again +more swift than the wind, he says; and he could see that the motorman +was a coward about something, because he looked greatly frightened when +he flew by the spot. He never saw one go so fast as this one did after it +had slowed up for him. It looked like the motorman would soon be arrested +for driving his car too fast. He then had the same trouble with another +car; it slowed up, but was off again before it stopped, and the people in +it looked out at him kind of horrified. + +It begun to look like he wasn't going to ride to the city in a trolley +car. Pretty soon along the road come a Japanese man he knew. His name +was Suzuki Katsuzo; and Lew Wee says that, though nothing but a Japanese, +he is in many respects a decent man. Suzuki passed him, going round in a +wide circle, and stopped to give him some good advice. He refused to come +a step nearer, even after Lew Wee told him that what he had in the sack +was worth a lot of money. + +Suzuki was very polite, but he didn't want to come any nearer, even +after that. He told Lew Wee he was almost certain they didn't want him +on street cars with it, no matter if it was worth thousands of dollars. +It might be worth that much, and very likely was if the price depended on +its condition. But the best and most peaceful way for Lew Wee was to find +a motor car going that way and ask the gentleman driving it to let him +ride; he said it would be better, too, to pick out a motor car without a +top to it, because the other kind are often shut up too tightly for such +affairs as this, like street cars. He said the persons in street cars are +common persons, and do not care if a thing is worth thousands of dollars +or not if they don't like to have it in the car with them. He didn't +believe it would make any difference to them if something like this was +worth a million dollars in American gold. + +So Lew Wee thanked Suzuki Katsuzo, who went quickly on his way; and then +he tried to stop a few motor cars. It seemed like they was as timid as +street cars. People would slow up when they seen him in the road and then +step on the gas like it was a matter of life and death. Lew Wee must of +said "Can happen!" a number of times that morning. + +Finally, along come a German. He was driving a big motor truck full of +empty beer kegs, and Lew Wee says the German himself was a drinking man +and had been drinking so much beer that he could nearly go to sleep while +driving the car. + +He slowed up and stopped when he saw Lew Wee in the middle of the road. +Lew Wee said he wanted to go to San Francisco and would give the driver a +dollar to let him ride back on the beer kegs. The driver said: "Let's see +the dollar." And took it and said: "All right, John; get up." Then he +sniffed the air several times and said it seemed like there had been a +skunk round. Lew Wee didn't tell him he had it in his bag because the +driver might know how much it was worth and try foul play on him to get +possession of it. So they started on, and the German, who had been +drinking, settled into a kind of doze at the wheel. + +Lew Wee was up on the beer kegs and enjoying himself like a rich +gentleman riding to the city in his motor car. It was kind of nice, in +spite of being used to his pet, to be going through the air so fast. + +The German seemed to be getting sobered up by something, and after +about five or six miles he stopped the car and yelled to Lew Wee that +a skunk had been round this place, too; and mebbe he had run over one. +Lew Wee looked noncommittal; but the German was getting more wakeful +every minute, and after a couple more miles he pulled up again and come +round to where Lew Wee was. He says it seems like a skunk has been round +everywhere; and, in fact, it seems to be right here now. He sees the sack +and wants to know what's in it. But he don't give Lew Wee a chance to +lie about it. He was thoroughly awake now and talked quite sober but +bitterly. He ordered Lew Wee to get off of there quickly. Lew Wee says +he swore at him a lot. He thinks it was in German. He ain't sure of the +language, but he knows it was swearing. + +He wasn't going to get off, at first; but the German got a big stick from +the roadside and started for him, so he climbed down the other side and +started to run. But the cowardly German didn't chase him a single step. +He got back in his seat and started down the road quicker than it looked +like his truck had been able to travel. + +Anyway, Lew Wee was a lot nearer to town, owing to the German not having +been sensitive at first; and if worst come to worst he could walk. It +looked like he'd have to. Then he saw he'd have to walk, anyway, because +this brutal German that put him off the truck hadn't give him back his +dollar, and that was all he had. He now put the First High Curse of the +One Hundred and Nine Malignant Devils on all Germans. It is a grand +curse, he says, and has done a lot of good in China. He was uncertain +whether it would work away from home; but he says it did. Every time he +gets hold of a paper now he looks for the place where Germans in close +formation is getting mowed down by machine-gun fire. + +But his money was gone miles away from him by this time; so he started +his ten-mile walk. I don't know. It's always been a mystery to me how he +could do it. He could get kind of used to it himself, and mebbe he +thought the public could do as much. It was an interesting walk he had. + +At first, he thought he was only attracting the notice of the vulgar, +like when some American ruffians doing a job of repair work on the road +threw rocks at him when he stopped to rest a bit. But he soon noticed +that rich ladies and gentlemen also seemed to shun him as he passed +through little towns. He carried his impetuous burden on a stick over +his shoulder and at a distance seemed to be an honest workman; but people +coming closer didn't look respectfully at him, by any means. It seemed +as if some odium was attached to him. + +Once he stopped to pick a big red rose from a bush that hung over the +wall in front of a pretty place, and a beautiful child dressed like a +little princess stood there; and, being fond of children, like all Chinee +men, he spoke to her; but a nurse screamed and run out at him and yelled +something in another foreign language. He thinks it was swearing, same as +the German, though she looked like a lady. So he went sadly on, smelling +of his lovely rose from time to time. + +The only way I can figure out how he got through them suburbs is that +parties wanted to have him arrested or shot, or something, but wouldn't +let him stick round long enough to get it done; they was in two minds +about him, I guess: they wished to detain him, but also wished harder +to have him away. + +So he went on uninjured, meeting murderous looks and leaving excitement +in his trail; hearing men threaten him even while they run away from him. +It hurt him to be shunned this way--him that had always felt so friendly +toward one and all. He couldn't deny it by this time: people was shunning +him on account of what Doctor Hong Foy wanted alive and in good +condition. + +As he worked his way into the city the excitement mounted higher. He took +to the middle of the street where he could. Mobs collected behind him and +waved things at him and looked like they would lynch him; but they didn't +come close enough for that. It seemed like he bore a charmed life in +spite of this hostility. When he'd got well into the city a policeman did +come up and start to arrest him, but thought better of it and went round +a corner. It made him feel like a social cull or an outcast, or +something. + +He wasn't a bit foolish about his cunning little pet by this time. And +it looked as if these crowds of people that gathered behind him would +finally get their nerve up to do something with him. They was getting +bigger and acting more desperate. When he was on the sidewalk he swept +people off into the road like magic, and when he was in the street they +would edge close in to the buildings. + +It really hurt him. He'd always liked Americans, in spite of their +foreign ways, and they had seemed to like him; but now all at once they +was looking on him as a yellow peril. He still kept his rose to smell of. +He said it was a sweet comfort to him at a time when the whole world had +turned against him for nothing at all. + +He made for Chinatown by the quietest streets he could pick out, though +even on them hardly escaping the lawless mob. But at last he got to the +street where Doctor Hong Foy's office was. It was largely a Chinese +street and lots of his friends lived there; but even now, when you'd +think he'd get kind words and congratulations, he didn't. + +His best friends regarded him as one better let alone and made swift +gestures of repulsion when he passed 'em. Quite a crowd followed at a +safe distance and gathered outside when he went into Doctor Hong Foy's +office. It was a kind of store on the ground floor, so Lew Wee says, with +shelves full of rich old Chinee medicines that had a certain powerful +presence of their own. But even in here Doctor Hong Foy should of known +beyond a doubt what his friend had brought him. + +It seemed the doctor had to make sure. He wasn't of the same believing +nature as the street-car people, and the German and others. He wanted to +be shown. So they undone the sack and opened it down to where Doctor Hong +Foy could make sure. But their work was faulty and the wild animal didn't +like handling after its day of mistreatment. It had been made morbid, I +guess. Anyway, it displayed an extremely nervous tendency, and many +impetuous movements, and bit Doctor Hong Foy in the thumb. Then the first +owner tried to grab him and the pet wriggled away on to a tray of dried +eel gizzards, or something, and off that to the open door. + +The little thing run into the front of the large crowd that had waited +outside and had a wonderful effect on it. Them in the centre tried to +melt away, but couldn't on account of them on the outside; so there was +fights and accidents, and different ones tromped on, and screams of fear. +And this brought a lot bigger crowd that pressed in and made the centre +ones more anguished. I don't know. That poor animal had been imposed on +all day and must of been overwrought. It was sore vexed by now and didn't +care who knew it. Lots of 'em did. + +Of course Lew Wee dashed out after his property, hugging the sack to his +chest; and, of course, he created just as much disturbance as his little +pet had. Policemen was mingling with the violence by this time and adding +much to its spirit. One public-spirited citizen grabbed Lew Wee in spite +of its being distasteful; but he kicked the poor man on the kneecap and +made a way through the crowd without too much trouble. + +He wasn't having any vogue whatever in that neighbourhood. He run down +a little side street, up an alley, and into a cellar he knew about, this +cellar being the way out of the Young China Progressive Association when +they was raided up the front stairs on account of gambling at poker. + +He could hear the roar of the mob clear from there. It took about an hour +for this to die down. People would come to see what all the excitement +was about, and find out almost at once; then they'd try to get away, +and run against others coming to find out, thus producing a very earnest +riot. There was mounted policemen and patrol wagons and many arrests, +and an armed posse hunting for the escaped pet and shooting up alleys at +every little thing that moved. They never did find the pet--so one of Lew +Wee's cousins wrote him; which made him sorry on account of Doctor Hong +Foy and the twenty-five or mebbe thirty dollars. + +He lay hid in this cellar till dark; then started out to find his friends +and get something to eat. He darned near started everything all over +again; but he dodged down another alley and managed to get some noodles +and chowmain at the back door of the Hong-Kong Grill, where a tong +brother worked. He begun to realize that he was a marked man. The mark +didn't show; but he was. He didn't know what the law might do to him. +It looked like at least twenty years in some penal institution, if not +hanging; and he didn't want either one. + +So he borrowed three dollars from the tong brother and started for +some place where he could lead a quiet life. He managed to get to +Oakland, though the deck hands on the ferryboat talked about throwing +him overboard. But they let him live if he would stay at the back end +till everyone, including the deck hands, was safe off or behind something +when the boat landed. Then he wandered off into the night and found a +freight train. He didn't care where he went--just somewhere they wouldn't +know about his crime. + +He rode a while between two freight cars; then left that train and found +a blind baggage on a passenger train that went faster and near froze him +to death. He got off, chilled in the early morning, at some little town +and bought some food in a Chinee restaurant and also got warm. But he +hadn't no more than got warm when he was put out of the place, right by +his own people. + +It was warm outside by this time, so he didn't mind it so much. The town +did, though. It must of been a small town, but he says thousands of men +chased him out of it about as soon as he was warmed up enough to run. He +couldn't understand this, because how could they know he was the one that +caused all that trouble in San Francisco? + +He got a freight train outside the town and rode on and on. He says +he rode on for weeks and weeks; but that's his imagination. It must of +been about three days, with spells of getting off for food and to get +warmed when he was freezing, and be chased by these wild hill tribes when +he had done the latter. It put a crimp into his sunny nature--all this +armed pursuit of him. He says if he had been a Christian, and believed +in only one God, he would never of come through alive, it taking about +seventy-four or five of his own gods to protect him from these maddened +savages. He had a continuous nightmare of harsh words and blows. He +wondered they didn't put him in jail; but it seemed like they only +wanted to keep him going. + +Of course it had to end. He got to Spokane finally and sneaked round to +a friend that had a laundry; and this friend must of been a noble soul. +He took in the outcast and nursed him with food and drink, and repeatedly +washed his clothes. Wanting a ranch cook about that time, I got in touch +with him through another cousin, who said this man wanted very much to +go out into a safe country, and would never leave it because of +unpleasantness in getting here. + +It was ten days after he got there that I saw him first, and I'll be +darned if he was any human sachet, even then. But after hearing his story +I knew that time would once more make him fit for human association. +He told me his story with much feeling this time and he told it to me +about once a week for three months after he got here--pieces of it at a +time. It used to cheer me a lot. He was always remembering something new. +He said he liked the great silence and peace of this spot. + +You couldn't tell him to this day that his belief about the savage hill +tribes ain't sound. He believes anything "can happen" in that country +down there. Doctor Hong Foy never paid him the twenty-five, of course, +though admitting that he would of done so if the animal had not escaped, +because he was in such good condition, for a skunk, that he was worth +twenty-five dollars of any doctor's money. I don't know. As I say, +they're friendly little critters; but it's more money that I would +actually pay for one. + +Through two closed doors the whine of the fiddle still penetrated. +Perhaps Lew Wee's recent loss had moved him to play later than was his +custom, pondering upon the curious whims that stir the gods when they +start to make things happen. But he was still no cynic. Over and over he +played the little air which means: "Life comes like a bird-song through +the open windows of the heart." + + + + +IX + +THE TAKER-UP + + +On a tired evening, in front of the Arrowhead's open fire, I lived over +for the hundredth time a great moment. From the big pool under the falls +four miles up the creek I had landed the Big Trout. Others had failed in +years past; I, too, had failed more than once. But to-day! + +At the hour of 9:46 A.M., to be exact, as one should in these matters, I +had cast three times above the known lair of this fish. Then I cast a +fourth time, more from habit than hope; and the fight was on. I put it +here with the grim brevity of a communique. Despite stout resistance, the +objective was gained at 9:55 A.M. And the Big Trout would weigh a good +two and one half--say three or three and one quarter--pounds. These are +the bare facts. + +Verily it was a moment to live over; and to myself now I was more +discursive. I vanquished the giant trout again and again, altering +details of the contest at will--as when I waded into icy water to the +waist in a last moment of panic. My calm review disclosed that this had +been fanciful overcaution; but at the great crisis and for three minutes +afterward I had gloried in the wetting. + +Now again I three times idly flicked that corner of the pool with a +synthetic moth. Again for the fourth time I cast, more from habit than +hope. Then ensued that terrific rush from the pool's lucent depths-- + +"Yes, sir; you wouldn't need no two guesses for what she'd wear at a +grand costume ball of the Allied nations--not if you knew her like I do." +This was Ma Pettengill, who had stripped a Sunday paper from the great +city to its society page. She lifted this under the lamp and made strange +but eloquent noises of derision: + +"You take Genevieve May now, of a morning, before that strong-arm +Japanese maid has got her face rubbed down and calked with paints, +oils, and putty, and you'd say to her, as a friend and well-wisher: +'Now look here, old girl, you might get by at that costume ball as +Stricken Serbia or Ravaged Belgium, but you better take a well-meant +hint and everlastingly do not try to get over as La Belle France. True, +France has had a lot of things done to her,' you'd say, 'and she may +show a blemish here and there; but still, don't try it unless you wish +to start something with a now friendly ally--even if it is in your own +house. That nation is already pushed to a desperate point, and any little +thing might prove too much--even if you are Mrs. Genevieve May Popper and +have took up the war in a hearty girlish manner.' Yes, sir!" + +This, to be sure, was outrageous--that I should hear myself addressing a +strange lady in terms so gross. Besides, I wished again to be present at +the death of my favourite trout. I affected not to have heard. I affected +to be thinking deeply. + +It worked, measurably. Once more I scanned the pool's gleaming surface +and felt the cold pricking of spray from the white water that tumbled +from a cleft in the rocks above. Once more I wondered if this, by chance, +might prove a sad but glorious day for a long-elusive trout. Once more I +looked to the fly. Once more I-- + +"What I never been able to figger out--how can a dame like that fool +herself beyond a certain age? Seams in her face! And not a soul but would +know she got her hair like the United States acquired Louisiana. That +lady's power of belief is enormous. And I bet she couldn't put two and +two together without making a total wreck of the problem. Like fair time +a year ago, when she was down to Red Gap taking up the war. She comes +along Fourth Street in her uniform one morning, fresh from the hands of +this hired accomplice of hers, and meets Cousin Egbert Floud and me where +we'd stopped to talk a minute. She is bubbling with war activity as +usual, but stopped and bubbled at us a bit--kind of hale and girlish, you +might say. We passed the time of day; and, being that I'm a first-class +society liar, I say how young and fresh she looks; and she gets the ball +and bats it right back to Cousin Egbert. + +"'You'd never dream,' says she, 'what my funny little mite of a Japanese +maid calls me! You'd really never guess! She calls me Madam Peach +Blossom! Isn't that perfectly absurd, Mr. Floud?' + +"And poor Cousin Egbert, instead of giggling in a hearty manner and +saying 'Oh, come now, Mrs. Popper! What's in the least absurd about +that?'--like he was meant to and like any gentleman would of--what does +the poor silly do but blink at her a couple of times like an old barn owl +that's been startled and say 'Yes, ma'am!'--flat and cold, just like +that! + +"It almost made an awkward pause; but the lady pretended she had been +saying something to me, so she couldn't hear him. That Cousin Egbert! He +certainly wouldn't ever get very high in the diplomatic service of +anybody's country. + +"And here's this grand ball of the Allied nations in costume, give in +Genevieve May's palatial residence. It must of throwed a new panic into +Berlin when they got the news off the wire. Matter of fact, I don't see +how them Germans held out long as they did, with Genevieve May Popper +putting crimps into 'em with her tireless war activities. That proves +itself they'd been long preparing for the fray. Of course, with Genevieve +May and this here new city marshal, Fotch, the French got, it was only a +question of time. Genevieve is sure one born taker-up! Now she's made a +complete circle of the useful arts and got round to dancing again. Yes, +sir!" + +I affected to believe I was solitary in the room. This time it did not +work--even measurably. Almost at once came: "I said she was the darndest +woman in the world to take things up!" The tone compelled notice, so I +said "Indeed!" and "You don't say!" with a cautiously extended space +between them, and tried to go on thinking. + +Then I knew the woman's full habit of speech was strong upon her and +that one might no longer muse upon a caught trout--even one to weigh +well up toward four pounds. So I remembered that I was supposed to be +a gentleman. + +"Go right ahead and talk," I murmured. + +"Sure!" said the lady, not murmuring. "What in time did you think I was +going to do?" + +Yes, sir; I bet she's the greatest taker-up--bar none--the war has yet +produced. She's took up France the latest. I understand they got a +society of real workers somewhere that's trying to house and feed and +give medicine and crutches to them poor unfortunates that got in the way +of the dear old Fatherland when it took the lid off its Culture and tried +to make the world safe--even for Germans; but I guess this here society +gets things over to devastated France without much music or flourishes or +uniforms that would interest Genevieve May. + +But if that country is to be saved by costume balls of the Allied +nations, with Genevieve May being La Belle France in a dress hardly long +enough to show three colours, then it needn't have another uneasy moment. +Genevieve stands ready to do all if she can wear a costume and dance the +steps it cost her eight dollars a lesson to learn from one of these slim +professionals that looks like a rich college boy. + +It was this reckless dancing she'd took up when I first knew her, though +she probably goes back far enough to of took up roller skating when that +was sprung on an eager world; and I know she got herself talked about in +1892 for wearing bloomers on a bicycle. But we wasn't really acquainted +till folks begun to act too familiar in public, and call it dancing, and +pay eight dollars a lesson to learn something any of 'em that was healthy +would of known by instinct at a proper time and place. Having lots of +money, Genevieve May travelled round to the big towns, learning new steps +and always taking with her one of these eight-dollar boys, with his hair +done like a seal, to make sure she'd learn every step she saw. + +She was systematic, that woman. If she was in Seattle and heard about a +new step in San Francisco, she'd be on the train with her instructor in +one hour and come back with the new step down pat. She scandalized Red +Gap the year she come to visit her married daughter, Lucille Stultz, by +introducing many of these new grips and clinches; but of course that soon +wore off. Seems like we get used to anything in this world after it's +done by well-dressed people a few times. + +Then, as I say, these kind-hearted, music-loving Germans, with their +strong affection for home life and little ones, started in to shoot the +rest of the world up to German standards, and they hadn't burned more +than a dozen towns in Belgium, after shooting the oldest and youngest +and sexecuting the women--I suppose sexecution is what you might call +it--before Genevieve took up the war herself. + +Yes, sir--took it right up; no sooner said than done with her. It was +really all over right then. The Germans might just as well of begun four +years ago to talk about the anarchistic blood-lust of Woodrow Wilson as +to wait until they found out the Almighty knows other languages besides +German. + +I believe the Red Cross was the first handle by which Genevieve May took +up the war. But that costume is too cheap for one that feels she's a born +social leader if she could only get someone to follow. She found that +young chits of no real social standing, but with a pleasing exterior, +could get into a Red Cross uniform costing about two-eighty-five and sell +objects of luxury at a bazaar twice as fast as a mature woman of sterling +character in the same simple garb. + +So Genevieve May saw it had got to be something costing more money and +beyond the reach of an element you wouldn't care to entertain in your +own drawing room. And next thing I was up to Spokane, and here she is, +dashing round the corridors of the hotel in a uniform that never cost a +penny under two hundred and fifty, what with its being made by a swell +tailor and having shiny boots with silver spurs and a natty tucked +cap and a shiny belt that went round the waist and also up over one +shoulder, with metal trimming, and so on. She was awful busy, darting +hither and yon at the lunch hour, looking prettily worried and like she +would wish to avoid being so conspicuous, but was foiled by the stares +of the crowd. + +Something always seemed to be happening to make her stand out; like in +the restaurant, where, no sooner did she pick out just the right table, +after some hesitation, and get nicely seated, than she'd see someone +across the room at a far table and have to run over and speak. She spoke +to parties at five distant tables that day, getting a scratchy lunch, I +should say. One of the tables was mine. We wasn't what you'd call close +friends, but she cut a swath clean across a crowded dining room to tell +me how well I was looking. + +Of course I fell for the uniform and wanted to know what it meant. Well, +it meant that she was organizing a corps of girl ambulance drivers from +the city's beet families. She was a major herself already, and was being +saluted by he-officers. She said it was a wonderful work, and how did I +think she looked in this, because it was a time calling for everyone's +best, and what had I taken up for my bit? I was only raising beef cattle, +so I didn't have any answer to that. I felt quite shamed. And Genevieve +went back to her own table for another bite of food, bowing tolerantly to +most of the people in the room. + +I don't know how far she ever got with this girl's ambulance corps +beyond her own uniform. She certainly made an imposing ambulance driver +herself on the streets of that town. You'd see her big, shiny, light-blue +limousine drive up, with two men on the seat and Genevieve, in uniform, +would be helped out by one of 'em, and you knew right off you'd love to +be a wounded soldier and be drove over shell-torn roads by her own hands. + +Anyway, she got mad and left the ambulance service flat, getting into +some sort of brawl with an adjutant general or something through wanting +to take a mere detail out of his hands that he felt should stay right +where it was, he being one of these offensive martinets and a stickler +for red tape, and swollen with petty power. So Genevieve May said. + +So she looked round for another way to start a few home fires burning +on the other side of the Rhine. I forget what her next strategy was, but +you know it was something cute and busy in a well-fitting uniform, and +calculated to shorten the conflict if Germany found it out. You know +that much. + +I remember at one time she was riding in parades when the boys would +march down to the station to go off and settle things in their own crude +way. I lost track of what she was taking up for a while, but I know +she kept on getting new uniforms till she must of had quite a time every +morning deciding what she was going to be that day, like the father of +the German Crown Prince. + +Finally, last spring, it got to be the simple uniform of a waitress. She +had figgered out that all the girls then taking the places of men waiters +would get called for nurses sooner or later; so why shouldn't prominent +society matrons like herself learn how to wait on table, so as to take +the girl waiters' places when they went across? Not exactly that; they +wouldn't keep on lugging trays forever in this emergency--only till they +could teach new girls the trade, when some new ones come along to take +the places of them that had met the call of duty. + +So Genievieve agitated and wrote letters from the heart out to about two +dozen society buds; and then she terrified the owner of the biggest hotel +in her home town till he agreed to let 'em come and wait on table every +day at lunch. + +Genevieve May's uniform of a poor working girl was a simple black dress, +with white apron, cuffs, and cap, the whole, as was right, not costing +over six or seven dollars, though her string of matched pearls that cost +two hundred thousand sort of raised the average. The other society buds +was arrayed similar and looked like so many waitresses. Not in a hotel, +mebbe, but in one of these musical shows where no money has been +spared. + +The lady had a glorious two days ordering these girls round as head +waiter and seeing that everybody got a good square look at her, and so +on. But the other girls got tired the second day. It was jolly and all +tips went to the Red Cross, and the tips was big; but it was just as hard +work as if they had really been poor working girls, with not enough +recreation about it. So the third day they rebelled at the head waiter +and made Genevieve herself jump in and carry out trays full of dishes +that had served their purpose. + +This annoyed Genevieve May very much. It not only upset discipline but +made the arms and back ache. So she now went into the kitchen to show the +cook how to cook in a more saving manner. Her intentions were beautiful; +but the head cook was a sensitive foreigner, and fifteen minutes after +she went into his kitchen he had to be arrested for threatening to harm +the well-known society matron with a common meat saw. + +The new one they got in his place next day let her mess round all she +wanted to, knowing his job depended on it, though it was told that he got +a heartless devil-may-care look in his eyes the minute he saw her making +a cheap fish sauce. But he said nothing. + +That hotel does a big business, but it fell off surprising the day after +this, twenty-three people having been took bad with poison from something +they'd et there at lunch. True, none of these got as fur as the coroner, +so it never was known exactly what they'd took in; but the thing made a +lot of talk at stricken bedsides and Genevieve spent a dull day denying +that her cooking had done this outrage. Then, her dignity being much +hurt, she wrote a letter to the papers saying this hotel man was giving +his guests cheap canned goods that had done the trick. + +Next morning this brought the hotel man and one of the best lawyers +in the state of Washington up to the palatial Popper residence, making +threats after they got in that no lady taking up war activities should be +obliged to listen to. She got rattled, I guess, or had been dreaming or +something. She told the hotel man and lawyer to Ssh! Ssh!--because that +new cook had put ground glass in the lemon pie and she had a right to +lull his suspicions with this letter to the papers, because she was +connected with the Secret Service Department. She would now go back to +the hotel and detect this spy committing sabotage on the mashed potatoes, +or something, and arrest him--just like that! I don't know whatever put +the idea into her head. I believe she had tried to join the Secret +Service Department till she found they didn't have uniforms. + +Anyway, this hotel man, like the cowardly dog he was, went straight off +to some low sneak in the district attorney's office; and he went like a +snake in the grass and found out it wasn't so; and a real officer come +down on Genevieve May to know what she meant by impersonating a Secret +Service agent. This brutal thug talked in a cold but rough way, and I +know perfectly well this minute that he wasn't among those invited to +the Popper costume ball of the Allied nations. He threw a fine scare into +Genevieve May. For about a week she didn't know but she'd be railroaded +to Walla Walla. She wore mere civilian creations and acted like a +slacker. + +But finally she saw the Government was going to live and let live; so she +took up something new. It was still On to Berlin! with Genevieve May. + +She wasn't quite up to pulling anything new in her home town; so she went +into the outlying districts to teach her grandmother something. I didn't +think up the term for it. That was thought up by G.H. Stultz who is her +son-in-law and president of the Red Gap Canning Factory. This here new +war activity she'd took up consisted of going rough to different places +and teaching housewives how to practice economy in putting up preserves, +and so on. + +It ain't on record that she ever taught one single woman anything +about economy, their hard-won knowledge beginning about where hers left +off--which wasn't fur from where it started; but she did bring a lot of +wholesome pleasure into their simple, hard-working lives. + +In this new war activity it wasn't so much how you canned a thing as +what you canned. Genevieve May showed 'em how to make mincemeat out of +tomatoes and beets; how to make marmalade out of turnips and orange peel; +how to make preserves out of apple peelings and carrots; and guava jelly +out of mushmelon rinds, or some such thing. She'd go into towns and rent +a storeroom and put up her canning outfit, hiring a couple of the lower +classes to do the actual work, and invite women to bring in their truck +of this kind and learn regular old rock-bottom economy. They'd come, with +their stuff that should of been fattening shotes, and Genevieve May would +lecture on how to can it. It looked through the glass like sure-enough +human food. + +Then, after she'd got 'em all taught, she'd say wouldn't it be nice +of these ladies to let her sell all this canned stuff and give the +proceeds to the different war charities! And there wasn't a woman that +didn't consent readily, having tasted it in the cooking. Not a one of +'em wanted to take home these delicacies. It was right noble or cautious, +or something. And after visiting six or eight of these communities +Genevieve May had quite a stock of these magic delicacies on sale in +different stores and was looking forward to putting the war firmly on +its feet--only she couldn't get many reports of sales from this stock. + +Then she got a dandy idea. She would come to the Kulanche County +Fair at Red Gap, assemble all her stock there, give one of these +here demonstrations in economic canning, and auction off the whole +lot with a glad hurrah. She thought mebbe, with her influence, she +might get Secretary Baker, or someone like that, to come out and do +the auctioning--all under the auspices of Mrs. Genevieve May Popper, +whose tireless efforts had done so much to teach the dear old Fatherland +its lesson, and so on. She now had about three hundred jars and bottles +of this stuff after her summer's work, and it looked important. + +I got down to the county fair myself last year, having some sure-fire +blue-ribbon stock there, and it was then that I hear G.H. Stultz talking +about this here mother-in-law of his, he taking me aside at their home +one night, so his wife, Lucille, wouldn't hear. + +"This respected lady is trying to teach her grandmother how to suck +eggs--no more, no less," he says. "Now she's coming here to pull +something off. You watch her--that's all I ask. Everything that woman +touches goes funny. Look how she poisoned those innocent people up at +that hotel. And I'll bet this canned stuff she's going to sell off will +kill even mere tasters. If she only hadn't come to my town! That woman +don't seem to realize that I'm cursed with a German name and have to be +miles above suspicion. + +"Suppose she sells off this stuff! I give you my word she puts things in +it that even a professional canning factory wouldn't dare to. And suppose +it poisons off a lot of our best patriots! Do you think a mob will be +very long blaming me for a hand in it? Why, it'll have me, in no time at +all, reaching my feet down for something solid that has been carefully +removed." + +I tried to cheer the man up, but he was scared stiff. + +"Mark my words," he says. "She'll pull a bloomer! If that woman could go +into an innocent hotel kitchen, where every care is taken to keep things +right, and poison off twenty-three people till they picked at the covers +and had relatives wondering what might be in their safe-deposit boxes, +think what she'd do in the great unsanitary outside, where she can use +her imagination! + +"There's but one salvation for me; I must have trusted agents in the +crowd when that stuff is auctioned off, and they got to collar every last +bottle of it, no matter what the cost. I have to lay down like a pup +on the next bond drive, but this is my only hope. For the Lord's sake, +don't you go there and start bidding things up, no matter who she gets +for auctioneer! Don't you bid--even if Woodrow Wilson himself comes +out." + +That's the impression Genevieve May had made on her own daughter's +husband, who is a clear-seeing man and a good citizen. And it looked +like he must secretly buy up her output. She not only come to town with +her canning outfit and her summer's stock of strange preserves, all +beauteous in their jars, but she brought with her to auction off this +stuff a regular French flying man with an honourable record. + +She'd met this French officer in the city and entertained him at the +palatial Popper home; and mebbe she'd hypnotized him. He wasn't in good +shape, anyway. First place, he'd been fighting in the air for three +years and had been wounded in five places--including the Balkans. Then, +like that wasn't enough for one man, he'd been sent over here to teach +our men to fly when they got a machine; and over here he'd fell out of a +cloud one day when his brake or something went wrong, and this had give +him a nice pleasant vacation on crutches. + +Genevieve had fastened on him at a time when he probably hadn't the +steely resistance Frenchmen been showing on the West Front. Or, being in +a strange country, mebbe he didn't know when politeness to Genevieve May +Popper would become mere cowardice. Anyway, he could talk English well +enough; and Genevieve May brought him to town and made a big hit. + +First thing she done was to set up her stock of canned goods in a +section they give her in Horticultural Hall. Them three hundred bottles +took up a lot of room and showed up grand between the fancy-work section, +consisting of embroideries, sofa cushions, and silk patch quilts, and the +art section, consisting of hand paintings of interesting objects by +bright pupils in the public school. Then she put in her canning outfit, +with a couple of hired natives to do the work while she lectured on the +science of it and tried to get weak-minded patriots to taste things. + +Genevieve May had a good time at these demonstrations, speaking in tones +of oratory and persuasion and encouraging the tasters to take a chance. +She certainly had discovered some entirely new flavours that the best +chemists hadn't stumbled on. She was proud of this, but a heap prouder +of her French flying man. When she wasn't thinking up new infamies with +rutabagas and watermelon rinds, she'd be showing him off to the fair +crowds. She give the impression when she paraded him that the French Army +would of had few flyers if she hadn't stepped into the breach. + +And mebbe she wasn't desperate with fear that some of the Red Gap society +buds and matrons would want to stick in with nursing and attentions for +the interesting invalid! Nothing like that with Genevieve May! She kept +closer guard on that man than he would of got in the worst German prison +camp. About the only other person in town she'd trust him to was Cousin +Egbert Floud. + +Cousin Egbert liked the Frenchman a lot at first, and rode him round town +to see the canning factory and the new waterworks and the Chamber of +Commerce, and Price's Addition to Red Gap, and so on. Also, he'd drag him +all over the fair grounds to look at prize bulls and windmills and patent +silos. + +Cousin Egbert had refused from the first to taste any of Genevieve May's +deviltry with the vegetable kingdom. He swore he was on a diet and the +doctor wouldn't answer for his life if he even tasted anything outside. +He was telling me that last day of the fair that the woman ought to be +arrested for carrying on so, Genevieve May being now busy with some +highly artificial ketchup made of carrots, and something else +unimportant, with pure vegetable dyes. + +"Yes; and she just tried to hand me that same old stuff about what her +Japanese maid calls her," he says to me at this time. "She says I could +never guess what that funny little mite calls her. And I says no, I never +could of guessed it if she hadn't already told me; but I says I know it +is Madam Peach Blossom, and that Jap maid sure is one funny little mite, +thinking up a thing like that, the Japanese being a serious race and +not given to saying laughable things." + +That's Cousin Egbert all over. He ain't a bit like one of them courters +of the old French courts that you read about in the Famous Crimes of +History. + +"Madam Peach Blossom!" he says, snickering bitterly. "Say, ain't them +Japs got a great sense of humour! I bet what she meant was Madam Lemon +Blossom!" + +Anyway, Genevieve May trusted her flying man to this here brutal cynic +when she wouldn't of trusted him to any of the younger, dancing set. +And Cousin Egbert pretty near made him late for his great engagement to +auction off the strange preserves. It was on this third day of the fair, +and Genevieve May was highly excited about it. + +She had her stock set up in tiers against the wall and looking right +imposing in the polished glass; and she had a box in front where the +Frenchman would stand when he did the auctioning. + +That hall was hot, let me tell you, with the high sun beating down on the +thin boards. I looked in a minute before the crowd come, and it looked +like them preserves had sure had a second cooking, standing there day +after day. + +And this Cousin Egbert, when he should of been leading the Frenchman back +to Horticultural Hall to the auction block, was dragging him elsewhere to +see a highly exciting sight. So he said. He was innocent enough. He +wanted to give that Frenchman a good time, he told me afterward. So he +tells him something is going to take place over at the race track that +will thrill him to the bone, and come on quick and hurry over! + +The Frenchman is still using one crutch and the crowd is already surging +in that direction; but after finding out it ain't any more silos or +windmills, he relies on Cousin Egbert that it really is exciting, and +they manage to get through the crowd, though it was excited even now +and stepped on him and pushed him a lot. + +Still he was game, all right. I've always said that. He was about as +excited as the crowd; and Cousin Egbert was, too, I guess, by the time +they had pushed up to the railing. I guess he was wondering what Wild +Western kind of deviltry he was going to see now. Cousin Egbert had told +him it wasn't a horse race; but he wouldn't tell him what it was, wishing +to keep it for a glad surprise when the Frenchman would see it with his +own eyes. + +"Just you wait one minute now!" says Cousin Egbert. "You wait one minute +and I bet you'll be glad you got through that rough crowd with me. You'd +go through ten crowds like that, crutch or no crutch, to see what's going +to be here." + +The poor man was kind of used up, but he stands there waiting for the +thrill, with Cousin Egbert beaming on him fondly, like a father that's +going in one minute to show the little tots what Santa Claus brought 'em +on the tree. + +Then the Frenchman hears a familiar roar and a airplane starts up from +the lower end of the field inside the track. + +"There!" says Cousin Egbert. "Now I guess you're glad you pushed in here, +leg or no leg. I knew it would be a dandy surprise for you. Yes, sir; the +committee got a regular airplane to give a thrilling flight right here +in front of us. You look up in the sky there and pretty soon you'll see +it just as plain, sailing round and round like some great bird; and they +say this man flying it is going to loop the loop twice in succession. Now +I bet you're glad you come!" + +Cousin Egbert says right at this minute he begun to take a dislike to +the Frenchman. After he'd took all that trouble to get him there to see +something exciting, the Frenchman just looked at him kind of sad for a +long time, and then says he believes he'd rather go back some place where +he can set down and rest his leg. + +Cousin Egbert says he turned out to be like the Frenchmen you read about +that is blasé about everything in the world and kind of tired of life, +not having the least bit of interest in whatever happens. But, of course, +he was polite to his guest and helped push a way back through the crowd, +with the crowd more excited than ever by this time, because the flying +machine was right up in the air, hundreds of feet off the ground. + +"You'll think I'm a liar," he says to me; "but it's the God's truth this +Frenchman just kept pushing through that crowd and didn't even turn to +look up in the air when this man was actually risking his life by looping +the loop twice in succession. He never turned his head the least bit." + +Cousin Egbert says, here he'd been up in one himself and knew what +flying meant, but he probably wouldn't of took the least notice if this +dare-devil had been killed right there before thousands. + +"I don't understand it," he says. "It sure wouldn't be the least +use boosting for a brighter and busier Red Gap if everybody was as +cold-blooded as the French." He was right grouchy about the French +after this. + +Anyway, he got his suffering man back to Horticultural Hall somewhat the +worse for being stepped on by the crowd; in fact, the Frenchman is kind +of all in when he gets to the auction block. He sets right down on it +looking white, and Genevieve May gets him a glass of water to revive him. +Pretty soon he says he's nearly as well as ever, but that wasn't much. + +Now the patriots for the auction begun to throng in and Genevieve May is +once more proud and fluttering. She glances fondly at her noble array of +jars, with these illegitimate preserves shining richly through, and she +gets the Frenchman on his feet and onto the box; and the crowd cheers +like mad and presses close. I was standing close to G.H. Stultz, and he +whispers to me: + +"My Lord! If there was only some means of getting that stock into the +German commissary! But I'm told they analyze everything. Anyway, I got my +bidders planted and I'll have to buy up the stock if it breaks me." + +Then the Frenchman begun to talk in a very nice way. He said a few words +about his country--how they had been fighting all these years, not +knowing whether they could win or not, but meaning to fight till there +wasn't any fighters left; and how grateful France was for the timely aid +of this great country and for the efforts of beautiful ladies like Madam +Popper, and so on. + +You bet no one laughed, even if he didn't talk such very good English. +They didn't even laugh when he said beautiful ladies like Madam Popper, +though Cousin Egbert, somewhere off in the crowd, made an undignified +sound which he pretended was coughing. + +The Frenchman then said he would now ask for bids for these beautiful +table delicacies, which were not only of rich food value but were more +priceless than gold and jewels because of having been imprisoned in the +crystal glass by the fair hands of the beautiful Madam Popper; and what +was he offered for six bottles of this unspeakable jelly? + +Of course G.H. Stultz would of had 'em in no time if the panic hadn't +saved him. Yes, sir; right then something terrible and unforeseen +happened to cause a frightful panic. About five of them jars of preserves +blew up with loud reports. Of course everyone's first thought was that a +German plot was on to lay Horticultural Hall in ruins with dynamite. It +sounded such. No one thought it was merely these strange preserves that +had been working overtime in that furnace. + +Women screamed and strong men made a dash for the door over prostrate +bodies. And then a lot more explosions took place. The firing became +general, as the reports say. Bottle after bottle shot its dread contents +into the fray, and many feeble persons was tromped on by the mob. + +It wasn't any joke for a minute. The big jars, mostly loaded with +preserves, went off with heavy reports; then there was these smaller +bottles, filled with artificial ketchup and corked. They went off like +a battery of light field guns, putting down a fierce barrage of ketchup +on one and all. It was a good demonstration of the real thing, all right. +I ain't never needed any one since that to tell me what war is. + +The crowd was two thirds out before any one realized just what kind of +frightfulness was going on. Then, amid shot and shell that would still +fly from time to time, the bravest, that hadn't been able to fight their +way out, stood by and picked up the wounded under fire and helped brush +their clothes off. The groans of the sufferers mingled with the hiss of +escaping ketchup. + +Genevieve May was in hysterics from the minute the first high-powered +gun was fired. She kept screaming for everyone to keep cool. And at +last, when they got some kind of order, she went into a perfectly new +fit because her Frenchman was missing. She kept it up till they found +the poor man. He was found, without his crutch, at the far end of the +hall, though no one has ever yet figgered how he could get there through +the frenzied mob. He was on a chair, weak and trembling, behind a fancy +quilt made by Grandma Watkins, containing over ten thousand pieces of +silk. He was greenish yellow in colour and his heart had gone wrong. + +That'll show you this bombardment wasn't any joke. The poor man had been +exhausted by Cousin Egbert's well-meant efforts to show him something +exciting, and he was now suffering from sure-enough shell shock, which +he'd had before in more official circumstances. + +He was a brave man; he'd fought like a tiger in the trenches, and had +later been shot down out of the air four times, and was covered with +wounds and medals and crosses; but this here enfilade at the fair hands +of the beautiful Madam Popper, coming in his weak state, had darn near +devastated what few nerves the war had left him. + +It was a sad moment. Genevieve May was again exploding, like her own +handiwork, which wasn't through itself yet by any means, because a +solitary shot would come now and then, like the main enemy had retreated +but was leaving rear guards and snipers. Also, people that had had +exhibits in the art section and the fancy-work section was now setting +up yells of rage over their treasures that had been desecrated by the +far-flung ketchup. + +But tender hands was leading the stricken Frenchman back of the lines to +a dressing station, and all was pretty near calm again, except for G.H. +Stultz, who was swearing--or words to that effect. + +It really took a good hour to restore perfect calm and figure up the +losses. They was severe. Of course I don't mean to say the whole three +hundred bottles of this ammunition dump had exploded. Some had been +put up only a short while and hadn't had time to go morbid; and even +some of the old stuff had remained staunch. + +The mincemeat shrapnel had proved fairly destructive, but the turnip +marmalade didn't seem to of developed much internal energy. All of them +jars of marmalade proved to be what they call "duds." But you bet enough +had gone up to make a good battle sketch. The ketchup, especial, was +venomous. + +I met G.H. Stultz as I left the trenches. He'd been caught in a +machine-gun nest of ketchup and had only wiped about half of it off +his face. He looked like a contagious disease. + +"Say, look here," he says; "you can't tell me there isn't a Providence +ever watching over this world to give some of us just what's coming to +us!" That was very silly, because I'd never told him anything of the +sort. + +Then I go out into No Man's Land and meet Cousin Egbert by a lemonade +stand. He was one radiant being. He asked me to have a glass of the +beverage, and I done so; and while I was sipping it he says brightly: + +"Wasn't that some gorgeous display of fireworks? And wasn't it fine to +stand there and watch them bottles laugh their heads off at this food +profiteer?" + +I said he ought to be right sorry for her--after all the work she'd done. + +"Not me!" he says firmly. "She never done any work in her life except to +boost her own social celebrity." + +Then he took another gulp of his lemonade and says, very bitter: + +"Madam Peach Blossom! I wonder what that funny little mite of hers will +say when she sees her to-night? Something laughable, I bet--like it would +be 'Madam Onion Blossom!'--or something comical, just to give her a good +laugh after her hard day." + +Such is Cousin Egbert, and ever will be. And Genevieve May, having took +up things all round the circle, is now back to the dance. + + + + +X + +AS TO HERMAN WAGNER + + +It had been a toilsome day for Ma Pettengill and me. Since sunup we +had ridden more than a score of mountain miles on horses that could +seldom exceed a crawl in pace. At dawn we had left the flatlands along +the little timbered river, climbed to the lava beds of the first mesa, +traversed a sad stretch of these where even the sage grew scant, and +come, by way of a winding defile that was soon a mounting cañon, into +big hills unending. + +Here for many hours we had laboured over furtive, tortuous trails, +aimless and lost, it might have seemed, but that ever and again we came +upon small bands of cattle moving one way. These showed that we had a +mission and knew, after all, what we were about. These cattle were +knowingly bent toward the valley and home. They went with much of a +businesslike air, stopping only at intervals to snatch at the sparse +short grass that grows about the roots of the sagebrush. They had come a +long journey from their grazing places, starting when the range went bad +and water holes dried, and now seemed glad indeed to give up the wild +free life of a short summer and become tended creatures again, where +strangely thoughtful humans would lavish cut grass upon them for certain +obscure but doubtless benevolent purposes of their own. + +It was our mission this day to have a look-see, mebbe as far as Horsefly +Mountain, and get a general idee of how many head was already coming down +to eat up the so-and-so shortest hay crop that had ever been stacked on +the Arrowhead since the dry winter of '98, when beef fell to two cents a +pound, with darned few takers at that. + +It was really a day of scenic delight, if one hadn't to reflect sorely +upon the exigencies of the beef-cattle profession, and at least one of +us was free of this thrall. + +What we reached at last were small mountains rather than big hills; +vast exclamatory remnants of shattered granite and limestone, thickly +timbered, reckless of line, sharp of peak. One minute cañon we viewed +from above was quite preposterous in its ambitions, having colour and +depth and riot of line in due proportions and quite worthy of the grand +scale. It wasn't a Grand Cañon, but at least it was a baby grand, and I +loitered on its brink until reminded sharply that I'd better pour leather +into that there skate if I wanted to make home that night. + +I devoutly did wish to make home that night, for the spot we were on was +barren of those little conveniences I am accustomed to. Moreover, the air +was keen and a hunger, all day in the building, called for strong meats. +So I not too reluctantly passed on from this scenic miniature of parlour +dimensions--and from the study of a curious boulder thereby which had +intrigued me not a little. + +Now we were home and relaxed by the Arrowhead fireside, after a moving +repast of baked young sage hens. The already superior dynamics of the +meal, moreover, had been appreciably heightened by a bottle of Uncle +Henry's homemade grape wine, which he warmly recommends for colds or +parties, or anything like that. It had proved to be a wine of almost +a too-recent _crû_. Ma Pettengill said that if Uncle Henry was aiming +to put it on the market in quantity production he had ought to name +it the Stingaree brand, because it was sure some stuff, making for +malevolence even to the lengths of matricide, if that's what killing +your mother is called. She said, even at a Polish wedding down across +the tracks of a big city, it would have the ambulances and patrol +wagons clanging up a good half hour quicker than usual. + +Be that as it may, or is, when I had expected sleep to steal swiftly +to the mending of the day's ravages I merely found myself wakeful and +wondering. This stuff of Uncle Henry's is an able ferment. I wondered +about a lot of things. And at the same time I wondered interminably about +that remarkable boulder at the side of the Tom Thumb Grand Cañon. I was +even wakeful enough and discursive enough--my hostess had taken but one +glass from the bottle--to wonder delightedly about all rocks and stones, +and geology, and that sort of thing. It was almost scientific, the way +I wondered, as I sat there idly toying with my half-filled glass. + +Take this particular boulder, for example. It had once been mere star +dust, hadn't it? Some time ago, I mean, or thereabouts. But it had been +star dust; and then, next thing it knew, it got to be a kind of cosmic +stew, such as leisurely foreigners patch out highways with, and looking +no more like a granite boulder than anything. + +Then something happened, like someone letting the furnace fire go out the +night of the big freeze; and this stuff I'm talking about grew cold and +discouraged, and quit flat, apparently not caring a hoot what shape it +would be found in years and years later, the result being that it was +found merely in the general shape of rocks or boulders--to use the more +scientific term--which is practically no shape at all, as you might say, +being quite any shape that happens, or the shape of rocks and boulders +as they may be seen on almost every hand by those of us who have learned +to see in the true sense of the word. + +I have had to be brief in this shorter science course on the earth's +history before the time of man, because more important matters claim my +attention and other speakers are waiting. The point is that this boulder +up there by the dwarf cañon had survived from unremembered chaos; had +been melted, stewed, baked, and chilled until it had no mind of its own +left; then bumped round by careless glaciers until it didn't care where +it came to rest; and at last, after a few hundred million years of stony +unconcern for its ultimate fate, here it had been drawn by the cunning +hand of man sprang into the complex mechanism of our industrial human +scramble. + +That is to say, this boulder I speak of, the size of a city hall, lying +there in noble neglect since long before wise old water animals were +warning their children that this here fool talk about how you could go up +out of the water and walk round on dry land would get folks into trouble, +because how could a body breathe up there when there wasn't any water to +breathe in? And the fools that tried it would soon find out; and serve +'em right! Well, I mean to say, this boulder that had lain inert and +indifferent while the ages wrought man from a thing of one cell--and not +much of a cell at that--bore across that face of it nearest the winding +trail, a lettered appeal, as from one man to another. The letters were +large and neatly done in white paint and the brushwork was recent. And +the letters said, with a good deal of pathos, it seemed to me: + +WAGNER'S SYLVAN GLEN, ONLY THIRTY-TWO MILES. HERMAN WAGNER, SOLE PROP. + +Let this teach us, one and all, this morning, that everything in Nature +has its use if we but search diligently. I mean, even big rocks like +this, which are too big to build homes or even courthouses of. May we +not, at least, paint things on them in plain letters with periods and +commas, and so on, and so give added impetus to whatever is happening +to us? + +But the evening wears on and the whipping mental urge of grape juice +meddled with by Uncle Henry wears off. And so, before it all ends, what +about Herman Wagner, Sole Prop. of Wagner's Sylvan Glen? + +I know it has been a hard day, but let us try to get the thing in order. +Why not begin cautiously with a series of whys? Why any particular sylvan +glen in a country where everything is continuously and overwhelmingly +sylvan and you can't heave a rock without hitting a glen? Really, you +can't walk fifty yards out there without stepping on a glen--or in a +glen; it doesn't matter. What I am earnestly trying to get at is, if this +Herman Wagner wanted to be sole prop. of a sylvan glen, why should he +have gone thirty-two miles farther for one? Why didn't he have it right +there? Why insanely push thirty-two miles on in a country where miles +mean something serious? Up-and-down miles, tilted horribly or standing +on edge! + +It didn't seem astute. And Herman achieved simply no persuasion whatever +with me by stocking in that "only." He could have put only all over the +rock and it would still have been thirty-two miles, wouldn't it? Only +indeed! You might think the man was saying "Only ten minutes' walk from +the post office"--or something with a real meaning like that. I claimed +then and I claim now that he should have omitted the only and come out +blunt with the truth. There are times in this world when the straight and +bitter truth is better without any word-lace. This Wagner person was a +sophist. So I said to him, now, as a man will at times: + +"All right, Herman, old top! But you'll have to think up something better +than only to put before those thirty-two miles. If you had said 'Only two +miles' it might have had its message for me. But thirty more than that! +Be reasonable! Why not pick out a good glen that parties can slip off to +for a quiet evening without breaking up a whole week? Frankly, I don't +understand you and your glen. But you can bet I'll find out about it!" + +So, right away, I said to Ma Pettengill, who by this time had a lot of +bills and papers and ledgers and stuff out on her desk, and was talking +hotly to all of them--I said to her that there was nearly half a bottle +of Uncle Henry's wine left, his rare old grape wine laid down well over a +month ago; so she had better toss off a foamy beaker of it--yes, it still +foamed--and answer me a few questions. + +It was then she said the things about that there wine being able to +inflate the casualty lists, even of Polish weddings, which are already +the highest known to the society page of our police-court records. She +said, further, that she had took just enough of the stuff at dinner to +make her think she wasn't entirely bankrupt, and she wanted to give +these here accounts a thorough going-over while the sensation lasted. + +Not wishing to hurt Uncle Henry's feelings, even if he didn't catch me at +it, I partook again of the fervent stuff, and fell into new wonder at the +seeming imbecility of Herman Wagner. I found myself not a little moved +by the pathos of him. It was little enough I could get from Ma Pettengill +at first. She spoke almost shortly to me when I asked her things she had +to stop adding silly figures to answer. + +What I found out was mostly my own work, putting two and two in their +fit relationship. Even the mention of Herman Wagner's full name brought +nothing about himself. I found it most annoying. I would say: "Come on, +now; what about this Herman Wagner that paints wheedling messages across +the face of Nature?" And to this fair, plain query I would merely have +more of the woman's endless help troubles. All that come looking for work +these days was stormy petrels, not caring if they worked or not--just +asking for it out of habit. + +Didn't she have a singing teacher, a painless dentist, a crayon-portrait +artist and a condemned murderer on her payroll this very minute, all +because the able-bodied punchers had gone over to see that nasty little +Belgium didn't ever again attack Germany in that ruthless way? She had +read that it cost between thirty and thirty-five thousand dollars to +wound a soldier in battle. Was that so? Well, she'd tell me that she +stood ready to wound any of these that was left behind for between +thirty and thirty-five cents, on easy payments. Wound 'em severely, +too! Not mere scratches. + +Presently again I would utter Herman Wagner, only to be told that these +dry cows she was letting go for sixty dollars--you come to cut 'em up for +beef and you'd have to grease the saw first. Or I heard what a scandal +it was that lambs actually brought five-fifty, and the Government at +Washington, D.C., setting back idly under the outrage! + +Then I heard, with perfect irrelevance to Herman Wagner, that she +wouldn't have a puncher on the place that owned his own horse. Because +why? Because he'd use him gentle all day and steal grain for him at +night. Also, that she had some kind of rheumatiz in her left shoulder; +but she'd rather be a Christian Scientist and fool herself than pay a +doctor to do the same. It may all have been true, but it was not +important; not germane to the issue, as we so often say in writing +editorials. + +It looked so much like a blank for Herman Wagner that I quit asking for +a time and let the woman toil at her foolish ruinous tasks. + +After half an hour of it she began to rumble a stanza of By Cool Siloam's +Shady Rill; so I chanced it again, remarking on the sign I had observed +that day. So she left her desk for a seat before the fire and said yes, +and they was other signs of Herman's hid off in the mountains where no +one but cows, that can't read a line, would see 'em. She also divulged +that Herman, himself, wasn't anything you'd want a bronze statue of to +put up in Courthouse Square. + +Well then, come on, now! What about him? No, sir; not by a darned sight! +With that there desk full of work, she simply could not stop to talk now. +She did. + +Is that the only sign of Herman's you saw? He's got others along them +trails. You'll see an arrow in white paint, pointing to his sylvan glen, +and warnings not to go to other glens till you've tried his. One says: +You've tried the rest; now try the best! Another says: Try Wagner's +Sylvan Glen for Boating, Bathing, and Fishing. Meals at all hours! And +he's got one that shows he studied American advertising as soon as he +landed in this country. It says: Wagner's Sylvan Glen--Not How Good, +But How Cheap! + +I don't know. I ain't made up my mind about Herman, even yet. If it +wasn't for why he had to leave Nevada and if I knew there could be more +than one kind of German, then I'd almost say Herman was the other kind. +But, of course, there can't be but one kind, and he showed the Prussian +strain fast enough in why he come up from Reno. Still and all, he's got +his engaging points as a pure imbecile or something. + +He don't tell me why he left Reno for a long time after he gets here; +not till I'd won his confidence by showing I was a German sympathizer. It +was when Sandy Sawtelle had a plan for a kind of grand war measure. His +grand war measure was to get some secret agents into Germany and kill off +all the women under fifty. He said if you done this the stock would die +out, because look at the game laws against killing does! He told this +to everybody. He told it to Herman; but Herman knew enough to remain +noncommittal 'bout it. He told it to me, and I saw right off it probably +couldn't be managed right; and, even if it could be, I said to Sandy, +it seemed to me somehow like it would be sort of inhuman. + +Herman heard me say this and got the idea I was a pacifist and a secret +friend of his country; so he confided to me the secret of why he left +Reno to keep from having his heart cut out by Manuel Romares. But no +matter! + +Anyway, last year in the spring this Herman dropped by, looking for +work. He hadn't been in America long, having stopped with his uncle in +Cincinnati a while, and then coming West on a life of adventure and to +take up a career. He said now he'd come up from Nevada, where he'd been +working on a sheep ranch, and he acted like he wanted to get into +something respectable and lead a decent life again. + +Well, it had got so I hired everything that come along; so why not +Herman? I grabbed at him. The boys heard he was a German alien and acted, +at first, like a bunch of hogs with a bear about; but I'd of hired old +Hinderburg himself if he'd offered and put him to doing something worth +while. + +This Herman was the first man ever worked here in side whiskers. He told +me, after I showed myself a German sympathizer, that in the beginning of +the war he'd wore one of them moustaches like the Kaiser puts up in tin +fasteners every night after he's said his prayers; but this had made him +an object of unpleasant remark, including missiles. So he had growed this +flowering border round it to take off the curse. + +They was beautiful shiny side whiskers and entirely innocent-looking. +In the right clothes Herman could of gone into any Sabbath school in the +land and said he was glad to see so many bright little faces there this +morning, and now what was to-day's golden text, and so on. That's what +he looked like. These things fell like portières each side of his face, +leaving his chin as naked as the day he was born. He didn't have any too +much under his mouth either; so I guess the whiskers was really a mercy +to his face. + +He admitted he didn't know too much about the cow business, but said +he was willing to learn; so I put him on the payroll. We found he was +willing to try anything that looked easy; for instance, like setting on +colts for the first time. The first morning he went to work it was rainy, +with the ground pretty wet, and he was out to the corral watching Sandy +Sawtelle break a colt. That's the best time to handle colts that has +never been set on. They start to act up and pour someone out of the +saddle; then they slip and slide, helpless, and get the idea a regler +demon of a rider is up there, and give in. So the boys give Herman a +fussy two-year-old, and Herman got away with it not so bad. + +Of course he was set off a few times, but not hard; and the colt, +slicking over this wet ground, must of thought another star rider had +come to town. Two days later, though, when the ground was dry, Herman +got on the same wild animal again, and it wasn't there when he come down +from his first trip aloft. It traded ends with him neatly and was off in +a corner saying. "Well, looks like that German ain't such a dandy rider +after all! I couldn't pull that old one with him yesterday, but I +certainly done it good to-day." + +I wasn't near enough to hear what Herman said when he picked himself up; +but I'm a good lip reader since I been going to these moving pictures, +and I'm way mistaken if he hadn't learned two or three good things in +English to call a horse at certain times. + +He walked for several days with trench feet, and his morale was low +indeed. He was just that simple. He'd try things that sane punchers +wouldn't go looking for, if sober; in fact, he was so simple you might +call him simple-minded and not get took up for malicious slander. + +So it come to where we seen he wasn't good for anything on this ranch but +chore boy. And naturally we needed a chore boy, like we needed everything +else. He could get up wood, and feed the pigs we was fattening, and milk +the three dairy cows, and make butter, and help in the kitchen. But as +for being a cow hand, he wasn't even the first joint on your little +finger. He was willing, but his Maker had stopped right at that point +with him. And he had a right happy time being chore boy. + +Of course the boys kidded him a lot after they found out he could +positively not be enraged by the foulest aspersions on the character of +the Kaiser and his oldest son. They seen he was just an innocent dreamer, +mooning round the place at his humble tasks. They spent a lot of good +time thinking up things for him. + +He'd brought a German shotgun with silver trimmings with him, which he +called a fowling piece, and he wanted to hunt in his few leisure moments; +so the boys told him all the kinds of game that run wild on the place. + +There was the cross-feathered snee, I remember, which was said by the +bird books to be really the same as the sidehill mooney. It has one leg +shorter than the other and can be captured by hand if driven to level +ground, where it falls over on its side in a foolish manner when it tries +to run. Herman looked forward to having one of these that he could stuff +and send to his uncle in Cincinnati, who wrote that he had never seen +such a bird. + +Also, he spent a lot of time down on the crick flat looking for a mu, +which is the same as a sneeze-duck, except for the parallel stripes. It +has but one foot webbed; so it swims in a circle and can be easy shot by +the sportsman, who first baits it with snuff that it will go miles to +get. Another wild beast they had him hunting was the filo, which is like +the ruffle snake, except that it has a thing like a table leg in its ear. +It gets up on a hill and peeks over at you, but will never come in to +lunch. The boys said they nearly had one over on Grizzly Peak one time, +but it swallowed its tail and become invisible to the human eye, though +they could still hear its low note of pleading. Also, they had Herman +looking for a mated couple of the spinach bug for which the Smithsonian +Institution had offered a reward of five hundred dollars, cash. + +Herman fell for it all--all this old stuff that I had kicked the slats +out of my trundle-bed laughing at. And in between exciting adventures +with his fowling piece he'd write himself some pieces of poetry in a +notebook, all about the cows and the clouds and other natural objects. He +would also recite poetry written by other Germans, if let. And at night +he'd play on a native instrument shaped like a potato, by blowing into +one cavity and stopping up other cavities to make the notes. It would be +slow music and make you think of the quiet old churchyard where your +troubles would be o'er; and why not get there as soon as possible? Sad +music! + +So Herman was looked on as a harmless imbecile by one and all till Eloise +Plummer come over to help in the kitchen while the haying crew was here +last summer. And Eloise looked on him as something else. She looked on +Herman as one of them that make it unsafe for girls to leave home. She +had good reason to. + +Eloise is in the prime of young womanhood; but this is just exactly as +fur as any fair-minded judge would go to say of her as a spectacle. Her +warmest adherents couldn't hardly get any warmer than that if put under +oath. She has a heart of gold undoubtedly, but a large and powerful face +that would belong rightly to the head director of a steel corporation +that's worked his way up from the bottom. + +It is not a face that has ever got Eloise pestered with odious attentions +from the men. Instead of making 'em smirk and act rough, but playful, it +made 'em think that life, after all, is more serious than most of us +suspect in our idle moments. It certainly is a face to make men think. +And inspiring this black mood in men had kind of reacted on Eloise till +they couldn't quite see what they was ever intended for. It was natural. + +I don't say the girl could of cooked all winter in a lumber camp and not +been insulted a time or two; but it wasn't fur from that with her. + +So you can imagine how bitter she was when this Herman nut tried to make +up to her. Herman was a whirlwind wooer; I'll say that for him. He told +her right off that she was beautiful as the morning star and tried to +kiss her hand. None of these foolish preliminaries for Herman, like +"Lovely weather we're having!" or "What's your favourite flower?" + +Eloise was quick-natured, too. She put him out of the kitchen with a coal +shovel, after which Herman told her through a crack of the door that she +was a Lorelei. + +Eloise, at first, misunderstood this term entirely, and wasn't much less +insulted when she found it meant one of these German hussies that hang +round creeks for no good purpose. Not that her attitude discouraged +Herman any; he played under her window that night, and also sang a rich +custard sort of tenor in his native tongue, till I had to threaten him +with the bastile to get any sleep myself. + +Next day he fetched her regal gifts, consisting of two polished +abalone shells, a picture of the Crown Prince in a brass frame, +and a polished-wood paper knife with Greetings from Reno! on it. + +Eloise was now like an enraged goddess or something; and if Herman hadn't +been a quick bender and light on his feet she wouldn't of missed him with +his gifts. As it was, he ducked in time and went out to the spring house +to write a poem on her beauty, which he later read to her in German +through a kitchen window that was raised. The window was screened; so he +read it all. Later he gets Sandy Sawtelle to tell her this poem is all +about how coy she is. Every once in a while you could get an idea partway +over on Herman. He was almost certain Eloise was coy. + +By the end of that second day, after Herman threw kisses to her for ten +minutes from on top of the woodshed, where he was safe, she telephoned +her brother to come over here quick, if he had the soul of a man in his +frame, and kill Herman like he would a mad dog. + +But Eloise left the next morning, without waiting for anything suitable +to be pulled off by her family. It was because, when she went to bed +that night, she found a letter from Herman pinned to her pillow. It had +a red heart on it, pierced by a dagger that was dropping red drops very +sentimentally; and it said would she not hasten to take her vast beauty +out in the moonlight, to walk with Herman under the quiet trees while +the nightingale warbled and the snee, or sidehill mooney, called to its +lovemate? And here, as they walked, they could plan their beautiful +future together. + +This was beyond Eloise even with a full battery of kitchen utensils at +hand. She left before breakfast; and Herman had to come in and wash +dishes. + +The next excitement was Herman committing suicide, out in the woodshed, +with a rope he'd took off a new packsaddle. Something interrupted him +after he got the noose adjusted and was ready to step off the chopping +block he stood on. I believe it was one more farewell note to the woman +that sent him to his grave. Only he got interested in it and put in a lot +more of his own poetry and run out of paper, and had to get more from the +house; and he must of forgot what he went to the woodshed for because an +hour after that he committed an entirely new suicide with his fowling +piece. + +Near as I could gather, he was all ready to pull the trigger, looking +down into this here frowning muzzle before a mirror; and then something +about his whiskers in the mirror must of caught his eye. Anyway, another +work of self-destruction was off. So he come in and helped with lunch. +Then he told me he'd like to take some time off, because he was going +up to the deep pool to drown himself. + +I said was he really bent on it? He said it was requisite, because away +from this beautiful lady, who had torn his heart out and danced on it, he +could not continue to live, even for one day. So I come down on Herman. I +told him that, hard up as I was for help, I positively would not have a +man on the place who was always knocking off work to kill himself. It et +into his time, and also it took the attention of others who longed to see +him do it. + +I said I might stand for a suicide or two--say, once a month, on a quiet +Sunday--but I couldn't stand this here German thoroughness that kept it +up continual. At least, if he hoped to keep on drawing pay from me, he'd +have to make way with himself in his own leisure moments and not on my +time. + +Herman says I don't know the depths of the human heart. I says I know +what I pay him a month, and that's all I'm needing to know in this +emergency. I thought, of course, he'd calm down and forget his nonsense; +but not so. He moped and mooned, and muttered German poetry to himself +for another day, without ever laying a violent hand on himself; but then +he come and said it was no good. He says, however, he will no longer +commit suicide at this place, where none have sympathy with him and many +jeer. Instead, he will take his fowling piece to some far place in the +great still mountains and there, at last, do the right thing by himself. + +I felt quite snubbed, but my patience was wore out; so I give Herman +the money that was coming to him, wished him every success in his +undertaking, and let him go. + +The boys scouted round quite a bit the next few days, listening for +the shot and hoping to come on what was left; but they soon forgot it. +Me? I knew one side of Herman by that time. I knew he would be the most +careful boy in every suicide he committed. If I'd been a life-insurance +company it wouldn't have counted against him so much as the coffee habit +or going without rubbers. + +And--sure enough--about two months later the dead one come to life. +Herman rollicked in one night with news that he had wandered far into +the hills till he found the fairest spot on earth; that quickly made +him forget his great sorrow. His fairest spot was a half section of +bad land a hopeful nester had took up back in the hills. It had a little +two-by-four lake on it and a grove of spruce round the lake; and Herman +had fell in love with it like with Eloise. + +He'd stay with the nester, who was half dead with lonesomeness, so that +even a German looked good to him, and wrote to his uncle in Cincinnati +for money to buy the place. And now I'd better hurry over and see it, +because it was Wagner's Sylvan Glen, with rowing, bathing, fishing, and +basket parties welcome. Yes, sir! It goes to show you can't judge a +German like you would a human. + +I laughed at first; but no one ever got to Herman that way. He was firm +and delighted. That Sylvan Glen was just the finest resort anywhere +round! Why, if it was within five miles of Cincinnati or Munich it would +be worth a million dollars! And so on. It done no good to tell him it was +not within five miles of these towns and never would be. And it done less +good to ask him where his customers was coming from, there not being a +soul nearer him than twenty miles, and then only scattered ranchers that +has got their own idea of a good time after the day's work is over, which +positively is not riding off to anybody's glen, no matter how sylvan. + +"The good people will come soon enough. You'll see!" says Herman. +"They soon find out the only place for miles round where they can get +a good pig's knuckle, or blood sausage and a glass Rhine wine--or maybe +beer--after a hard day's work. I got a fine boat on the lake--they can +row and push all round over the water; and I'm getting a house put up +with vines on it, like a fairy palace, and little tables outside! You +see! The people will come when they hear!" + +That was Herman. He never stopped to ask where they was coming from. He'd +make the place look like a Dutch beer garden and they'd just have to come +from somewhere, because what German ever saw a beer garden that didn't +have people coming to it? I reckoned up that Herman would have enough +custom to make the place pay, the quick rate our country is growing, in +about two hundred and forty-five or fifty years. + +So that's Wagner's Sylvan Glen you seen advertised. It's there all right; +and Herman is there, waiting for trade, with a card back of his little +bar that says, in big letters: Keep Smiling! I bet if you dropped in this +minute you'd find him in a black jacket and white apron, with a bill of +fare wrote in purple ink. He thinks people will soon drop in from twenty +miles off to get a cheese sandwich or a dill pickle, or something. + +Two of the boys was over this last June when he had his grand opening. +They was the only person there except a man from Surprise Valley that +was looking for stock and got lost. Buck Devine says the place looked +as swell as something you'd see round Chicago. + +Herman has a scow on the pond, and a dozen little green tables outside +under the spruce trees, with all the trees white-washed neatly round the +bottoms, and white-washed stones along the driveway, and a rustic gate +with Welcome to Wagner's Sylvan Glen! over it. And he's got some green +tubs with young spruces planted in 'em, standing under the big spruces, +and everything as neat as a pin. + +Everyone thinks he's plumb crazy now, even if they didn't when he said +Eloise Plummer was as beautiful as the morning star. But you can't tell. +He's getting money every month from his uncle in Cincinnati to improve +the place. He's sent the uncle a photo of it and it must look good back +in Cincinnati, where you can't see the surrounding country. + +Maybe Herman merely wants to lead a quiet life with the German poets, and +has thought up something to make the uncle come through. On the other +hand, mebbe he's a spy. Of course he's got a brain. He's either kidding +the uncle, or else Wagner's Sylvan Glen now covers a concrete gun +foundation. + +In either case he's due for harsh words some day--either from the uncle +when he finds there ain't any roadhouse patrons for twenty miles round, +or from the German War Office when they find out there ain't even +anything to shoot at. + +The lady paused; then remarked that, even at a church sociable, Uncle +Henry's idee of wine would probably make trouble to a police extent. Here +it had made her talkative long after bedtime, and she hadn't yet found +out just how few dollars stood between her and the poorhouse. + +I allowed her to sort papers for a moment. As she scanned them under +drawn brows beside a lamp that was dimming, she again rumbled into song. +She now sang: "What fierce diseases wait around to hurry mortals home!" +It is, musically, the crudest sort of thing. And it clashed with my mood; +for I now wished to know how Herman had revealed Prussian guile by his +manner of leaving Reno. Only after another verse of the hymn could I be +told. It seems worth setting down here: + +Well, Herman is working on a sheep ranch out of Reno, as I'm telling you, +and has trouble with a fellow outcast named Manuel Romares. Herman was +vague about what started the trouble, except that they didn't understand +each other's talk very well and one of 'em thought the other was making +fun of him. Anyway, it resulted in a brutal fist affray, greatly to +Herman's surprise. He had supposed that no man, Mexican or otherwise, +would dare to attack a German single-handed, because he would of heard +all about Germans being invincible, that nation having licked two +nations--Serbia and Belgium--at once. + +So, not suspecting any such cowardly attack, Herman was took unprepared +by Manuel Romares, who did a lot of things to him in the way of ruthless +devastation. Furthermore, Herman was clear-minded enough to see that +Manuel could do these things to him any time he wanted to. In that coarse +kind of fighting with the fists he was Herman's superior. So Herman +drawed off and planned a strategic coop. + +First thing he done was to make a peace offer, at which the trouble +should be discussed on a fair basis to both sides. Manuel not being one +to nurse a grudge after he'd licked a man in jig time, and being of a +sunny nature anyway, I judge, met him halfway. Then, at this peace +conference, Herman acted much unlike a German, if he was honest. He +said he had been all to blame in this disturbance and his conscience +hurt him; so he couldn't rest till he had paid Manuel an indemnity. + +Manuel is tickled and says what does Herman think of paying him? Herman +shows up his month's pay and says how would it suit Manuel if they go in +to Reno that night and spend every cent of this money in all the lovely +ways which could be thought up by a Mexican sheep herder that had just +come in from a six weeks' cross-country tour with two thousand of the +horrible animals. + +Manuel wanted to kiss Herman. Herman says he did cry large tears of +gladness. And they started for town. + +So they got to Reno, and did not proceed to the Public Library, or the +Metallurgical Institute, or the Historical Museum. They proceeded to the +Railroad Exchange Saloon, where they loitered and loitered and loitered +before the bar, at Herman's expense, telling how much they thought of +each other and eating of salt fish from time to time, which is intended +by the proprietor to make even sheep herders more thirsty than normal. + +Herman sipped only a little beer; but Manuel thought of many new +beverages that had heretofore been beyond his humble purse, and every +new one he took made him think of another new one. It was a grand moment +for Manuel--having anything he could think of set before him in this +beautiful café or saloon, crowded with other men who were also having +grand moments. + +After a while Herman says to Manuel to come outside, because he wants to +tell him something good he has thought of. So he leads him outside by an +arm and can hardly tell what he has to say because it's so funny he has +to laugh when he thinks of it. They go up an alley where they won't be +overheard, and Herman at last manages to keep his laughter down long +enough to tell it. It's a comical antic he wants Manuel to commit. + +Manuel don't get the idea, at first, but Herman laughs so hard that +at last Manuel thinks it's just got to be funny and pretty soon he's +laughing at it as hard as Herman is. + +So they go back to the saloon to do this funny thing, which is to be a +joke on the big crowd of men in there. Herman says he won't be able to +do it good himself, because he's got a bad cold and can't yell loud; but +Manuel's voice is getting better with every new drink. Manuel is just +busting with mirth, thinking of this good joke he's going to play on the +Americans. + +They have one more drink, Manuel taking peach brandy with honey, which +Herman says costs thirty cents; then he looks over the men standing there +and he yells good and loud: + +"To hell with the President! Hurrah for the Kaiser!" + +You know, when Herman told me that, I wondered right off if he hadn't +been educated in some school for German secret agents. Didn't it show +guile of their kind? I'll never be amazed if he does turn out to be a +spy that's simply went wrong on detail. + +Of course he was safe out of town long before Manuel limped from the +hospital looking for him with a knife. And yet Herman seemed so silly! +First thing when he got on the place he wanted to know where the engine +was that pumped the windmill. + +Furthermore, if you ask me, that there wine won't be made safe for +democracy until Uncle Henry has been years and years laid away to rest. + + + + +XI + +CURLS + + +Ma Pettengill, long morose, for months made hostile of mood by the +shortage of help, now bubbled with a strange vivacity. At her desk in the +Arrowhead living room she cheerfully sorted a jumble of befigured sheets +and proclaimed to one and all that the Arrowhead ranch was once more a +going concern. She'd thought it was gone, and here it was merely going. +She would no longer be compelled to stare ruin in the face till it +actually got embarrassed and had to look the other way. And it was the +swift doings of this here new foreman. He'd not only got us going again +but had put us on a military basis. And at that he was nothing but a poor +old wreck of a veteran from the trenches, aged all of twenty-one, shot to +pieces, gassed, shell-shocked, trench feeted and fevered, and darned bad +with nervous dyspepsia into the bargain. + +Thus described, the bargain seemed to me to be a poor one, for I had not +yet viewed this decrepit newcomer or been refreshed with tales of his +prowess. But Ma Pettengill knows men, and positively will not bubble +except under circumstances that justify it, so I considered the matter +worth a question or two. + +Very well then! What about this mere shattered bit of flotsam from the +world welter? How could so misused a remnant cope with the manifold cares +of the long-harried Arrowhead ranch? + +Why, he just plain coped, that was all. He might be mere shattered +flotsam, but you bet he was still some little coper, take her word for +that! Matter of fact, though, he didn't aim to hold the job for long. +Only until this here smarty of a medical officer, that turned him down +from going back to the trenches, was retired to private life again. +This here new foreman had to be on the ground when this puppet got +out of his uniform and so could be handled proper by the right party +without incurring twenty years in Leavenworth. At this brief meeting the +unfortunate man would be told politely that he had guessed wrong on the +foreman's physical condition, after which the same would be proved to +him then and there, leaving him to wish that he hadn't been so arrogant +telling parties they was unfit for further service and had better go +home and forget all about the war. Yes, sir; he'd be left himself with +something to forget that most likely he'd still be remembering vividly +when folks had got to wondering what them funny little buttons with +"Liberty Loan" on 'em could ever of been used for. + +Still, this palsied wreck was with us for a time and had started in that +very morning to carry on. He used but few words, but treated 'em rough if +they come looking for it. First, they was two I.W.W.'s down to the lower +field had struck for three-fifty a day, and had threatened to burn +someone's haystacks when it was coldly refused. So one had been took to +jail and one to the hospital the minute the flotsam slowed up with 'em. +It was a fair enough hospital case for both, but the one for jail could +still walk. + +Then two other new hands, two of these here demi-cowboys you have to put +up with, had kept the bunk house noisy every night with a bitter personal +quarrel including loud threats of mutual murder that never seemed to +get any further. So the flotsam, after drinking in some of their most +venomous eloquence, had lined 'em up and commanded 'em to git busy and +fight it out quick. And he had then licked 'em both in a quick and +exaggerated manner when they tried to keep on talking it out with him. + +It was a sharply etched impression over the ranch, now shared by its +owner, that this here invalid flotsam would take darned little nonsense +from any one. It was also the owner's own private impression that he had +been expelled from the war for rough behaviour on the field of battle and +not because of wounds or sickness. Most likely they'd told him the latter +because they was afraid to tell him the truth. But that was the real +truth; he was too scrappy and wouldn't let the war go on in peace and +quiet. + +Anyway, she and the Army was both satisfied, so let it go at that. +Mebbe after a few more arguments over there, when they'd made a +convinced pro-Ally out of Germany, she might get some more shell-wracked +jetsams like this one, that would step in without regard for the rules of +civilized warfare and make the life of a certain beef-cattle raiser just +one long dream of loveliness with pink rose leaves dreening down on her. +Mebbe so! + +I was charmed indeed to hear the gladsome note from one so long dismal. +So I told the woman that the longest war must have its end and that by +this time next year she would be refusing to hire good help at forty-five +dollars a month and found, in place of the seventy-five she was now +lavishing on indolent stragglers. + +She said in that happy case she might consent to adorn the cattle +business a few decades longer, but for her part she didn't believe wars +would end. If it wasn't this war it would be another one, because human +beings are undeniably human. As how? Well, I could take it this way. Say +one of these here inventors sets up nights for twenty years inventing a +gun that will shoot through a steel plate sixteen inches thick. All right +so far. But the next day another inventor invents a piece of steel +seventeen inches thick. And it had to begin all over--just a seesaw. From +where she set she couldn't see no end to it. Was she right; or wasn't +she? Of course! + +But now, further, about compelling little boys to wear long curls till +maturity, with the idee of blunting their finer instincts and making +hellions of 'em, so's to have some dandy shock troops for the next +war--well, she didn't know. Room for argument there. + +This seemed reasonable. I didn't know either. It was an entirely new +idee, come from nowhere. This was the very first moment I had supposed +there could be such an idee. But such is Ma Pettengill. I thought to +inquire as to the origin of this novelty; perhaps to have it more fully +set forth. But I had not to. Already I saw unrelenting continuance in the +woman's quickened eye. There would be, in fact, no stopping her now. So I +might as well leave a one-line space right here to avoid using the double +and single quotation marks, which are a nuisance to all concerned. I will +merely say that Ma Pettengill spoke in part as follows, and at no time +during the interview said modestly that she would prefer not to have her +name mentioned. + +Mind you, I don't say war's a good thing, even for them that come out of +it. Of course you can read stories about how good it is in improving the +character. I've read pretty ones in these here sentimental magazines +that get close to the great heart of the people once a month; stories +about how the town tough boy, that robs his gray-haired mother of her +wash money to play pool with, goes into war's purifying flames and comes +out a man, having rescued Marshal Fotch from a shell hole under fire and +got the thanks of the French nation and his home-town paper. Now he don't +hang round the pool parlour any more, running down fifteen balls from the +break, but shuns his low companions, never touches a cue again, marries +the mayor's daughter and becomes the regular Democratic candidate for +county recorder. + +These stories may be true. I don't know. Only these same magazines print +stories that have a brave fireman in the picture carrying a fainted girl +down his ladder through the flames, and if you believed them you'd also +believe they had to set a tenement house on fire every time a fireman +wants to get married. And that don't stand to reason. Mebbe the other +stories don't either. + +But what about the other side of these same stories? What about the +village good boy that goes through war's purifying flame and comes back +home to be the town tough? Ain't it time someone showed up the moral +ravages war commits on our best young men? + +Me? I just had a talk lately with a widowed mother down to Red Gap and +what this beastly war has done to her oldest boy--well, if she could of +looked ahead she would of let the world go right on being unsafe even for +Republicans. She poured her heart out to me. She is Mrs. Arline Plunkett, +one of the sweetest, gentlest mothers that ever guarded a son from every +evil influence. And then to see it all go whoosh! The son's name was +Shelley Plunkett, or it was until he went out into the world to make a +name for himself. He is now largely known as Bugs Plunkett. I leave it +to you if a nice mother would relish having her boy make that name for +himself. And after all the pains she'd took with his moral development +from the cradle up--till he run away from home on account of his curls! + +Arline had been left well-off by her husband, who was president of +the Drovers' Trust Company, and her home was about the most refined +home in Red Gap, having full bookcases and pictures of foreign Catholic +churches--though Arline is a Presbyterian--and metal statues of antique +persons, male and female, and many articles of adornment that can't be +had for the ordinary trading stamps. She lived, of course, only for her +two boys, Shelley and Keats. Keats being an infant didn't require much +living for, but Shelley was old enough to need a lot of it. + +He was eight years old when I first seen him, with long golden curls to +his shoulders and lace on his velvet pants. He came in when I was calling +on his ma and acted the perfect little gentleman. He was so quiet and +grown-up he made me feel right awkward. He had the face of a half-growed +angel framed in these yellow curls, and his manners was them of Sir +Galahad that he read stories about. He was very entertaining this day. +His mother had him show me a portrait of himself and curls that had been +printed in a magazine devoted to mothers and watermelon-rind pickles, and +so forth, and he also brought me the new book his pastor had presented +him with on his eighth birthday. + +It was a lovely bound book, having a story about a sheepman that had a +hundred head out on the range and lost one and left the other ninety-nine +unprotected from the coyotes and went out into the brush looking for the +lost one, which is about the brains of the average sheepman; but it was a +pretty book, and little Shelley told me prettily all about the story, and +showed me how his dear pastor had wrote in it for him. He had wrote: "To +Shelley Vane Plunkett, who to the distinction of his name unites a noble +and elevated nature." I wonder if Bugs Plunkett ever looks at that +writing now and blushes for his lost angel face? Anyway, I thought this +day that he was the loveliest, purest child in the world, with his +delicate beauty and sweet little voice and perfect manners, all set +off by the golden curls. + +A couple days later I was going through that same street and when I +turned a corner next to the Plunkett house, here was little Shelley +addressing a large red-faced man on the back of an ice wagon that had +stopped there. It was some shock to my first notions of the angel child. +I gathered with no trouble whatever that the party on the ice wagon had +so far forgot his own manners as to call little Shelley a sissy. It was a +good three-to-one bet he was now sorry he spoke. Little Shelley was using +language beyond his years and words that had never been taught him by his +lady mother. He handled them words like they was his slaves. Three or +four other parties stopped to listen without seeming to. I have heard +much in my time. I have even been forced to hear Jeff Tuttle pack a mule +that preferred not to be packed. And little Shelley was informing, even +to me. He never hesitated for a word and was quick and finished with the +syllables. + +The ice-wagon man was peeved, as he had a right to be, and may of been +going to talk back, but when he saw the rest of us getting Shelley he +yelled to the man in the front to drive on. It was too late, quick as +he went, to save the fair repute of himself and family, if Shelley's +words was to be took seriously. Shelley had invaded the most sacred +relationship and pretended to bare a hideous scandal. Also the iceman +himself couldn't possibly of done half the things Shelley hotly urged +him to do. + +Us people that had seemed to linger walked right on, not meeting each +other's eye, and Shelley again become the angel child, turning in at his +gate and walking up the path in a decorous manner with his schoolbooks +under his arm. I first wondered if I shouldn't go warn Arline that her +child had picked up some words that would get him nowhere at all with his +doting pastor. Little could the fond woman dream, when she tucked him in +after his prayers at night, that talk such as this could come from his +sweet young lips. How much mothers think they know of their sons and how +darned little they do know! But I decided to keep out of it, remembering +that no mother in the world's history had ever thanked a person for +anything but praise of her children. + +Still, I couldn't help but worry about Shelley's future, both here and +hereafter. But I talked to other people about it and learned that he was +already known as a public character to everyone but his own dear mother. +It was these here curls that got him attacked on every hand by young and +old, and his natural vigour of mind had built him up a line of repartee +that was downright blistering when he had time to stop and recite it all. +Even mule skinners would drive blocks out of their way just to hear +little Shelley's words when someone called him sissy or girl-boy. + +It seems Shelley never took any of these troubles to his mother, because +he was right manly and he regarded curls as a natural infirmity that +couldn't be helped and that his poor ma shouldn't be blamed for. He'd +always had curls, just as other unfortunates had been disfigured or +maimed from birth, so he'd took it as a cross the Lord had give him to +bear. And he was willing to bear it in silence if folks would just let +him alone. Otherwise, not. Oh, most surely not! + +I kind of kept watch on Shelley's mad career after that. It was mad most +of the time. He had already begun to fight as well as to use language, +and by the time he was ten he was a very nasty scrapper. And ready--it +soon got so that only boys new-come to town would taunt him about his +golden locks. And unless they was too much out of Shelley's class he made +believers of 'em swiftly. From ten to twelve he must of had at least one +good fight a day, what with the new ones and the old ones that still +couldn't believe a boy in velvet pants with curls on his shoulders could +really put it over on 'em. His mother believed his clothes was tore and +his face bunged up now and then in mere boyish sports, and begged him not +to engage in such rough games with his childish playmates. And Shelley, +the little man, let her talk on, still believing he was like little Paul +McNamara, that had a crooked foot. He wasn't going to shame his mother as +well as himself. + +I don't know just how Shelley ever got his big illumination that curls +was not a curse put on him by his Maker. But he certainly did get it when +he was round twelve. After two years of finish fights he suddenly found +out that curls is optional, or a boy's own fault, if not his mother's, +and that they may be cured by a simple and painless operation. He'd come +to the observing age. They say he'd stand in front of Henry Lehman's +barber shop every chance he'd get, watching the happy men getting their +hair cut. And he put two and two together. + +Then he went straight to his mother and told her all about his wonderful +and beautiful discovery. He was awful joyous about it. He said you only +had to go to Mr. Lehman's barber shop with thirty-five cents, and the +kind Mr. Lehman would cut the horrible things off and make him look like +other boys, so please let him have the thirty-five. + +Then Shelley got a great shock. It was that his mother wanted him to wear +them things to please her. She burst into tears and said the mere thought +of her darling being robbed of his crowning glory by that nasty old Henry +Lehman or any one else was breaking her heart, and how could he be so +cruel as to suggest it? + +The poor boy must of been quite a bit puzzled. Here was a way out of +something he had thought was incurable, and now his mother that loved him +burst into tears at the thought of it. So he put it out of his mind. He +couldn't hurt his mother, and if cutting off his disgrace was going to +hurt her he'd have to go on wearing it. + +Shelley was getting lanky now, with big joints and calf knees showing +below his velvet pants; and he was making great headway, I want to tell +you, in what seemed to be his chosen profession of pugilism. He took to +going out of his class, taking on boys two or three years older. I never +had the rare pleasure of seeing him in action, but it was mere lack of +enterprise on my part. Before he found out that curls could be relieved +by a barber he had merely took such fights as come to him. But now he +went out of his way looking for 'em, and would start the action himself. + +It got so that boys used to travel in bands--them that had criticized his +appearance so he'd hear it--but he'd lie in wait for stragglers that was +left behind by the convoy, and it would be the same old sad story. You +can know what it meant when I tell you that the last year Shelley went to +school they say he could come onto the playground with his long yellow +curls floating in the breeze, and not a word would be heard from the +fifty boys that might be there. + +And so it went till he was thirteen. One succession of fights and a +growing collection of words that would of give his fond pastor something +to think about. Of course word of the fights would get to Shelley's ma +from mothers whose little ones he had ravaged, but she just simply didn't +believe it. You know a woman can really not believe anything she don't +wish to. You couldn't tell that lady that her little boy with the angel +face and soft voice would attack another boy unless the other boy begun +it. And if the other boy did begin it it was because he envied Shelley +his glorious curls. Arline was certainly an expert in the male +psychology, as they call it. + +But at thirteen Shelley was losing a lot of the angel out of his face. +His life of battle had told on him, I guess. But he was still obedient +and carried the cross for his mother's sake. Poor thing! He'd formed the +habit of obedience and never once suspicioned that a woman had no right +to impose on him just because she was his mother. Shelley just took to +fighting a little quicker. He wouldn't wait for words always. Sometimes +mere looks of disgust would start him. + +Then, when he got to near fourteen, still with the beautiful curls, he +begun to get a lovely golden down on his face; and the face hadn't hardly +a trace of angel left in it. The horrible truth was that Shelley not only +needed a haircut but a shave. And one day, goaded by certain taunts, he +told his mother this in a suddenly bass voice. It must of startled +Arline, having this roar come out of her child when his little voice had +always been sweet and high. So she burst into some more tears and Shelley +asked her forgiveness, and pretty soon she was curling his hair again. I +guess he knew right then it was for the last time on earth, but nothing +warned the mother. + +These new taunts that had finally made a man of Shelley was no taunts +from boys, which he could handle easy, but the taunts of heedless girls, +who naturally loathed a boy with curls even more than male humans of any +age loathe him; and girls can be a lot tauntier when they start out to. +Well, Shelley couldn't lick girls, and he had reached an age when their +taunts cut into his hide like whiplashes, so he knew right well he had +to do something desperate. + +Then he went out and run away from the refining influences of his +beautiful home. He took to the hills and landed way up on the north +fork of the Kulanche where Liver-eating Johnson has a sheep ranch. +Liver-eating, who is an unsavory character himself, had once heard +Shelley address a small group of critics in front of the post office, +and had wanted to adopt him right there. He still cherished the fondest +memories of Shelley's flow of language, so he was tickled to death to +have him drop along and stop, seeing that though but a lad in years he +was a man and brother in speech, even if he did look like a brother that +had started out to be a sister and got mixed. + +Liver-eating took him in and fed him and cut his hair with a pair of +sheep shears. It was a more or less rough job, because shearing sheep +does not make a man a good human barber by any means. But Shelley +looked at his head in the glass and said it was the most beautiful +haircut in the world. Fussy people might criticize it here and there, +but they could never say it hadn't really been cut. + +He was so grateful to Liver-eating that he promised to stay with him +always and become a sheep herder. And he did hide out there several +months till his anguished mother found out where he was. After having +every pond dragged and every bit of woods searched for her boy's body +she had believed he'd been carried off by kidnappers on account of his +heavenly beauty, and she'd probably have to give ten thousand dollars +for his release. She was still looking for a letter from these fiends +when she learned about his being with Liver-eating Johnson and that +this wretch had committed sacrilege on him. + +It was a harsh blow to know that her pet had consorted with such a +person, who was not only a sheepman but had earned his nickname in a +way that our best people thought not nice. He'd gone home one day years +ago and found his favourite horse had been took by an Injun. Being a +simple-mannered man of few words, he just said that by sundown to-morrow +he would of et the liver of the Injun that done the stealing. I don't +know, personally, what happened, except that he did come back the next +night with his horse. Anyway no one ever begrudged him his title after +that. And here was Shelley Vane Plunkett, who had been carefully raised +on fruits and cereals, taking up with such a nauseous character as a +social equal. + +Arline had the sheriff out at once for her darling, but Shelley got word +and beat it farther. He finally got to Seattle, where he found various +jobs, and kept his mother guessing for three years. He was afraid she'd +make him start the curls again if he come home. But finally, when he was +eighteen, he did come, on her solemn promise to behave. But he was no +longer the angel-faced darling that had left, and he still expected at +least one fight a day, though no longer wearing what would cause fights. +He'd formed the habit and just couldn't leave off. A body could hardly +look at him without starting something unpleasant. He was round like a +barrel now, and tough and quick, and when anything did happen to be +started he was the one that finished it. Also, he'd have his hair cut +close every five or six days. He always looked like a prisoner that had +started to let it grow about a week before he left the institution. +Shelley was taking no chances, and he used to get a strange, glittering +look in his eye when he regarded little Keats, his baby brother, who was +now coming on with golden curls just as beautiful as Shelley's had ever +been. But he done nothing sinister. + +In time he might of settled down and become a useful citizen, but right +then the war broke out, so no more citizen stuff for Shelley. It was +almost too good to be true that he could go to a country where fighting +was legal; not only that, but they'd give him board and lodging and a +little spending money for doing the only thing he'd ever learned to do +well. It sure looked like heaven. So off he went to Canada and enlisted +and got sent across and had three years of perfect bliss, getting changed +over to our Army when we finally got unneutral so you could tell it. + +Of course his mother was almost more anguished about his going to war +than about having his curls fixed with the sheep shears. She said even +if he wasn't shot he would be sure to contract light habits in France, +consisting of native wine and dancing, and so forth, and she hoped at +least he could be a drummer boy or something safe. + +But Shelley never had a safe moment, I guess. No such thing as a quiet +sector where he was. He fought at the Front, and then he'd fight at +hospitals every time he got took back there for being shot up. He was +almost too scrappy even for that war. He was usually too busy to write, +but we got plenteous reports of his adventures from other men, these +adventures always going hard with whatever Germans got in his way. +And I bet his mother never dreamed that his being such a demon fighter +was all due to her keeping him in curls so long, where he got the habit +and come to love it for its own sake. + +Anyway, he fought and fought and had everything happen to him that German +science had discovered was useful to exterminate the lesser races, and it +finally begun to tell on him, hardened as he was by fighting from the +cradle up, as you might say. + +It was a glad day for Arline when she got word that he was a broken-down +invalid and had landed at an Atlantic Ocean port on his way home. She +got arrowroot gruel and jelly and medicinal delicacies and cushions, and +looked forward to a life of nursing. She hoped that in the years to come +she could coax the glow of health back to his wan cheeks. And I wouldn't +put it past her--mebbe she hoped she could get him to let the golden hair +grow again, just long enough to make him interesting as he lay coughing +on his couch. + +And Shelley come home, but his idee of being an invalid wasn't anything +like his mother's. He looked stout as a horse, and merely wished to rest +up for a couple weeks before getting some other kind of action suited to +his peculiar talents. And worse, he wasn't Shelley Vane Plunkett--he was +Bugs Plunkett; and his mother's heart broke again. He was shaved like a +convict and thicker through than ever, and full of rich outdoor words +about what he would do to this so-and-so medical officer for not letting +him back into the scrap. Yes, sir; that man is going to suffer casualties +right up to the limit the minute he gets out of his uniform--and him +thinking the world is at peace once more! Sure, Shelley had been shot +through the lungs a couple of times, and one leg had been considerably +altered from the original plan, but he had claimed he was a better +scrapper than ever before and had offered to prove it to this medical +officer right then and there if it could be done quiet. But this fair +offer had been rejected. + +So here he'd come back, not any kind of a first-class invalid that would +be nice to nurse, but as Bugs Plunkett! No sooner did he get to town than +letters and postal cards begun to come addressed to Mr. Bugs Plunkett or +mebbe B. Plunkett, Esquire; and the cards would be from his old pals in +the trenches, many of whom had worse names, even, than Shelley had made +for himself. + +Also the sick warrior turned down flat the arrowroot gruel and Irish-moss +custard and wine jelly and pale broth. He had to have the same coarse +food that is et by common working people who have had no home advantages, +including meat, which is an animal poison and corrupts the finer +instincts of man by reducing him to the level of the brutes. So Arline +Plunkett says. Shelley had it, though, ordering it in a bass voice that +made the statuary teeter. Steak was cooked in the Plunkett home for +the first time since it had been erected, notwithstanding the horrible +example it set to little Keats, who still had golden curls as lovely as +Shelley's once had been and was fed on fruits and nuts. + +Arline couldn't of had any pleasant time with her wandering boy them +three weeks he was there. She suffered intensely over the ignominy of +this mail that came to him by the awful name of Bugs, with the gossips +in the post office telling it everywhere, so that the boys round the +cigar store got to calling him Bugs right out plain. And her son seeming +proud of this degradation! + +And she couldn't get him to protect himself from drafts by night. +He'd insist on having a window wide open, and when she'd sneak back to +close it so he wouldn't catch his death of cold he'd get up and court +destruction by hoisting it again. And once when she'd crept in and shut +it a second time he threw two shoes through the upper and lower parts so +it would always be open. He claimed he done this in his sleep, having got +into the habit in the trenches when he'd come in from a long march and +someone would close all the windows. But Arline said that this only +showed that war had made him a rowdy, even in his sleep--and out of the +gentlest-mannered boy that ever wore velvet garments and had a cinch on +every prize in the Sunday school; though she did not use coarse words +like that. She told me herself it was time we got this other side of what +war did to gently nurtured youths that had never soiled their lips with +an oath in their lives until they went into war's hell. She said just +that! + +Also Shelley had contracted the vicious habit of smoking, which was all +a body would want to know about war. She said he'd have his breakfast in +bed, including whole slices of ham, which comes from the most loathsome +of all animals, and would then lie and smoke the Lord Byron five-cent +cigar, often burning holes in the covers, which he said was another old +trench habit--and that showed what war done to the untainted human soil. +Also while smoking in bed he would tell little Keats things no innocent +child should hear, about how fine it feels to deflate Germans with a good +bayonet. She had never esteemed Lord Byron as a poet, and these cigars, +she assures me, was perfectly dreadful in a refined home, where they +could be detected even in the basement. + +Little Keats was now thirteen, with big joints and calf knees showing +under the velvet pants, and I guess his curls was all that persuaded his +mother to live, what with Shelley having gone to the bad and made a name +for himself like Bugs. But little Keats had fell for his brother, and +spent all the time he could with him listening to unpretty stories of +Germans that had been fixed up proper the way the good Lord meant 'em +to be. + +After he'd been home a couple weeks or more Shelley begun to notice +little Keats more closely. He looked so much like Shelley had at that age +and had the same set-on manner in the house that Shelley got suspicious +he was leading the same double life he had once led himself. + +He asked his mother when she was going to take Keats to a barber, and his +mother burst into tears in the old familiar way, so he said no more to +her. But that afternoon he took little Keats out for a stroll and closely +watched his manner toward some boys they passed. They went on downtown +and Shelley stepped into the Owl cigar store to get a Lord Byron. When he +come out little Keats was just finishing up a remark to another boy. It +had the familiar ring to Shelley and was piquant and engaging even after +three years in the trenches, where talk is some free. Keats still had the +angel face, but had learned surprisingly of old English words. + +Then Shelley says to him: "Say, kid, do you like your curls?" And little +Keats says very warmly and almost shedding tears: "They're simply hell!" + +"I knew it," says Shelley. "Have many fights?" + +"Not so many as I used to," says Keats. + +"I knew that, too," says Shelley. "Now, then, you come right along with +me." + +So he marches Keats and curls down to Henry Lehman's and says: "Give this +poor kid a close haircut." + +And Henry Lehman won't do it. He says that Mrs. Plunkett, the time of +the scandal about Shelley, had warned every barber in town that she would +have the law on 'em if they ever harmed a hair on the head of a child of +hers; and he was a law-abiding citizen. He didn't deny that the boy +needed a haircut the worst way in the world, but at his time of life he +wasn't going to become an outlaw. + +Keats had nearly broke down at this. But Shelley says: "All right; come +on over to the other place." + +So they go over to Katterson Lee, the coloured barber, and Katterson +tells 'em the same story. He admits the boy needs a haircut till it +amounts to an outrage, but he's had his plain warning from Shelley's ma, +and he ain't going to get mixed up with no lawsuit in a town where he's +known to one and all as being respectable. + +Shelley then threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't cut that hair +off quick, and Katterson was right afraid of the returned soldier, that +had fixed so many Germans right, but he was more afraid of the law, so +he got down on his knees to Shelley and begged for his life. + +Little Keats was now blubbering, thinking he wasn't going to be shut of +his disgrace after all, but Shelley says: "All right, kid; I'll stand by +you. I'll do it myself. Get into that chair!" + +Of course Katterson couldn't prevent that, so Keats got sunny again and +climbed into the chair, and Shelley grabbed a pair of shears and made a +sure-nuff boy of him. He got the curls off all right, but when it come to +trimming up he found he couldn't do a smooth job, and Katterson wasn't +there to give him any hints, having run from his shop at the beginning of +the crime so he would have a good alibi when hauled into court. So +Shelley finally took up a pair of clippers, and having learned to clip +mules he soon had little Keats' whole scalp laid bare. It must of been a +glorious sight. They both gloated over it a long time. + +Then Keats says: "Now you come with me and we'll show it to mamma!" But +Shelley says: "Not me! I have to draw the line somewhere. I shall be far +away from here to-night. I am not afraid of enemy soldiers, for I've been +up against them too often. But there are worse things than death, so +you'll have to face mamma alone. You can tell her I did it, but I will +not be there to hear you. So good-bye and God help you!" And Shelley +retired to a position less exposed. + +That was an awful day for the Plunkett home, because little Keats, being +left to his own resources, tried to use his brain. First he gathered up +the long shining curls and wrapped 'em in a newspaper. Then he went +out and found Artie Bartell, who is a kind of a harmless halfwit that +just walks the streets and will do anything whatever if told, being +anxious to please. Keats gives Artie a dime to take the curls up to his +dear mother and tell her that her little boy has been run over by a +freight engine down to the station and these here curls was all that +could be saved of him. + +Then he hurries home the back way and watches, and pretty soon he sees +some neighbours come rushing to the house when they hear his mother +scream, so then he knows everything is all right. He waits a minute or +two, then marches in with his hat off. His mother actually don't know him +at first, on account of his naked skull, but she soon sees it must be he, +little Keats, and then has hysterics because she thinks the freight +engine has clipped him this way. And of course there was more hysterics +when she learned the terrible truth of his brother's infamy. I guess +Shelley had been wise all right to keep off the place at that time, +soldier or no soldier. But that's neither here nor there. + +The point is that little Keats may now be saved to a life of usefulness +and not be hanged for murder, thanks to his brother's brave action. Of +course Bugs himself is set in his ways, and will adorn only positions of +a certain kind. He's fine here, for instance, just at this time when I +got to hire all kinds that need a firm hand--and Bugs has two. + +Sure, it was him took the job of foreman here yesterday. We had quite a +little talk about things when he come. He told me how he released his +little brother from shame. He said he wouldn't of done such a radical +thing except that peace is now coming on and the world will no longer +need such fighting devils as curls will make of a boy if let to stay +long enough. + +"Keats might have turned out even worse than I did," he says, "but +if there wasn't going to be any way where he could do it legally, what +was the use? He'd probably sometime have killed a boy that called him +Goldilocks, and then the law might have made it unpleasant for him. I +thought it was only fair to give him a chance to live peaceful. Of course +in my own case mamma acted for the best without knowing it. We needed +fighters, and I wouldn't have been anything at all like a fighter if she +hadn't made me wear those curls till my whiskers began to show above the +surface. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was a born coward, but those golden +strands took all that out of me. I had to fight. + +"And see what it did for me in the Army. I don't want to talk about +myself, but I made a good average fighter and I would have been there +to the last if I'd had my rights. And I simply owe it all to my dear +mother. You might say she made me the man I am. I wouldn't ever have been +tough if she'd cut my hair humanely from six years on. I certainly hope +Keats hasn't gone too long. One of us in a family is enough." + +That's the way Bugs talks, and it sounds right sensible. What I say now +is, the idee had ought to be took up by the War Department at Washington, +D. C. Let 'em pass a law that one boy out of, say, twenty-five has +got to wear curls till his voice changes. By that time, going round in +this here scenic investiture, as you might say, he will be a demon. In +peace times it may add to our crimes of violence, but look what it will +be when another war comes. We'll have the finest line of shock troops +the world has ever produced, fit and anxious to fight, having led an +embittered existence long enough to make it permanent. No line would +ever stand against a charge of them devils. They would be a great +national asset and might save the country while we was getting ready +to begin to prepare a couple months after war was declared on us. + +Still I don't suppose it will be took up, and I ain't got time to go down +and preach it to Congress personally. + +And now let me tell you one thing: I'm going to sleep to-night without a +care on my mind for the first time in a year. This here Bugs unites to +the distinction of his name a quick and handy nature, and my busiest +troubles are over. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MA PETTENGILL*** + + +******* This file should be named 14348-8.txt or 14348-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/3/4/14348 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/old/14348-8.zip b/old/14348-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7c1b63 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14348-8.zip diff --git a/old/14348.txt b/old/14348.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eec2a34 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14348.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10278 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Ma Pettengill, by Harry Leon Wilson + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Ma Pettengill + +Author: Harry Leon Wilson + +Release Date: December 13, 2004 [eBook #14348] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MA PETTENGILL*** + + +E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Project Gutenberg Beginners Projects, +Mary Meehan, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +MA PETTENGILL + +by + +HARRY LEON WILSON + +Author of _Bunker Bean_, _Ruggles of Red Gap_, _Somewhere in Red Gap_, +etc. + +1919 + + + + + + + +TO WILLIAM EUGENE LEWIS + + + + +CONTENTS + + I. MA PETTENGILL AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM + + II. A LOVE STORY + + III. RED GAP AND THE BIG-LEAGUE STUFF + + IV. VENDETTA + + V. ONE ARROWHEAD DAY + + VI. THE PORCH WREN + + VII. CHANGE OF VENUS + + VIII. CAN HAPPEN! + + IX. THE TAKER-UP + + X. AS TO HERMAN WAGNER + + XI. CURLS + + + + + +I + +MA PETTENGILL AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM + + +From the Arrowhead corrals I strolled up the poplar-bordered lane that +leads past the bunk house to the castle of the ranch's chatelaine. It +was a still Sunday afternoon--the placid interlude, on a day of rest, +between the chores of the morning and those of evening. But the calm was +for the ear alone. To the eye certain activities, silent but swift, were +under way. On the shaded side piazza of the ranch house I could discern +my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill; she sat erect, even in a +rocking-chair, and knitted. On the kitchen steps, full in the westering +sun, sat the Chinese chef of the Arrowhead, and knitted--a yellow, +smoothly running automaton. On a shaded bench by the spring house, a +plaid golfing cap pushed back from one-half the amazing area of his bare +pate, sat the aged chore-boy, Boogles, and knitted. The ranch was on a +war basis. + +And more: As I came abreast of the bunk house the Sabbath calm was +punctured by the tart and careless speech of Sandy Sawtelle, a top rider +of the Arrowhead, for he, too, was knitting, or had been. On a stool +outside the doorway he held up an unfinished thing before his grieved +eyes and devoutly wished it in the place of punishment of the wicked +dead. The sincere passion of his tones not only arrested my steps but +lured through the open doorway the languorous and yawning Buck Devine, +who hung over the worker with disrespectful attention. I joined the pair. +To Buck's query, voiced in a key of feigned mirth, Sandy said with simple +dignity that it was going to be a darned good sweater for the boys in the +trenches. Mr. Devine offered to bet his head that it wasn't going to be +anything at all--at least nothing any one would want round a trench. Mr. +Sawtelle ignored the wager and asked me if I knew how to do this here, +now, casting off. I did not. + +"I better sneak round and ask the Chink," said Sandy. "He's the star +knitter on the place." + +We walked on together, seemingly deaf to certain laboured pleasantries of +Mr. Devine concerning a red-headed cow-puncher that had got rejected for +fighting because his feet was flat and would now most likely get rejected +for knitting because his head was flat. By way of covering the hearty +laughter of Mr. Devine at his own wit I asked why Sandy should not +consult his employer rather than her cook. + +With his ball of brown wool, his needles and his work carried tenderly +before him Sandy explained, with some embarrassment as it seemed, that +the madam was a good knitter, all right, all right, but she was an awful +bitter-spoken lady when any little thing about the place didn't go just +right, making a mountain out of a mole hill, and crying over spilt milk, +and always coming back to the same old subject, and so forth, till you'd +think she couldn't talk about anything else, and had one foot in the +poorhouse, and couldn't take a joke, and all like that. I could believe +it or not, but that was the simple facts of the matter when all was said +and done. And the Chink was only too glad to show off how smart he was +with a pair of needles. + +This not only explained nothing but suggested that there might indeed be +something to explain. And it was Sandy's employer after all who resolved +his woolen difficulty. She called to him as he would have left me for the +path to the kitchen door: + +"You bring that right here!" + +It was the tone of one born to command, and once was enough. Sandy +brought it right there, though going rather too much like a martyr to +the stake, I thought; for surely it was not shameful that he should prove +inept in the new craft. + +Nor was there aught but genial kindness in the lady's reception of him. +Ma Pettengill, arrayed in Sabbath bravery of apparel, as of a debutante +at a summer hotel where the rates are exorbitant, instantly laid by her +own knitting and questioned him soothingly. It seemed to be a simple +difficulty. Sandy had reached the point where a sweater must have a neck, +and had forgotten his instructions. Cordially the woman aided him to +subtract fourteen from two hundred and sixty-two and then to ascertain +that one hundred and twenty-four would be precisely half of the +remainder. It was all being done, as I have remarked, with the gentlest +considering kindness, with no hint of that bitterness which the neophyte +had shown himself to be fearing in the lady. Was she not kindness itself? +Was she not, in truth, just a shade too kind? Surely there was a purr +to her voice, odd, unwonted; and surely her pupil already cringed under +a lash that impended. + +Yet this visible strain, it seemed, had not to do with knitted garments. +Ma Pettengill praised the knitting of Sandy; praised it to me and praised +it to him. Of course her remark that he seemed to be a born knitter and +ought to devote his whole time to it might have seemed invidious to a +sensitive cowman, yet it was uttered with flawless geniality. But when +Sandy, being set right, would have taken his work and retired, as was +plainly his eager wish, his mentor said she would knit two of the new +short rows herself, just to make sure. And while she knitted these two +rows she talked. She knitted them quickly, though the time must have +seemed to Sandy much longer than it was. + +"Here stands the greatest original humorist in Kulanche County," said +the lady, with no longer a purring note in her voice. She boomed the +announcement. Sandy, drooping above her, painfully wore the affectation +of counting each stitch of the flashing needles. "And practical jokes--my +sakes alive! He can think of the funniest jokes to put up on poor, +unsuspecting people! Yes, sir; got a genius for it. And witty! Of +course it ain't just what he says that's so funny--it's the noisy way +he says it. + +"And you wouldn't think it to look at him, but he's one of these here +financial magnets, too. Oh, yes, indeed! Send him out with a hatful of +ten-dollar bills any day and he won't let one of 'em go for a cent under +six dollars, not if buyers is plenty--he's just that keen and avaricious. +That's his way. Never trained for it, either; just took it up natural." + +With drawn and ashen face Mr. Sawtelle received back his knitting. His +pose was to appear vastly preoccupied and deaf to insult. He was still +counting stitches as he turned away and clattered down the steps. + +"Say!" called his employer. Sandy turned. + +"Yes, ma'am!" + +"You seen the party that stopped here this morning in that big, pompous +touring car?" + +"No, ma'am!" + +"They was after mules." + +"Yes, ma'am!" + +"They offered me five hundred dollars a span for mine." + +"No, ma'am--I mean, yes, ma'am!" + +"That's all. I thought you'd rejoice to know it." The lady turned to me +as if Mr. Sawtelle had left us. "Yes, sir; he'd make you die laughing +with some of his pranks, that madcap would. I tell you, when he begins +cutting up--" + +But Mr. Sawtelle was leaving us rapidly. His figure seemed to be drawn +in, as if he would appear smaller to us. Ma Pettengill seized her own +knitting once more, stared grimly at it, then stared grimly down at the +bunk house, within which her victim had vanished. A moment later she was +pouring tobacco from a cloth sack into a brown cigarette paper. She drew +the string of the sack--one end between her teeth--rolled the cigarette +with one swift motion and, as she waited the blaze of her match, remarked +that they had found a substitute for everything but the mule. The +cigarette lighted, she burned at least a third of its length in one vast +inhalation, which presently caused twin jets of smoke to issue from the +rather widely separated corners of a generous mouth. Upon which she +remarked that old Safety First Timmins was a game winner, about the +gamest winner she'd ever lost to. + +Three other mighty inhalations and the cigarette was done. Again she took +up the knitting, pausing for but one brief speech before the needles +began their shrewd play. This concerned the whale. She said the whale +was the noblest beast left to us in all the animal kingdom and would +vanish like the buffalo if treated as food. She said it was shameful to +reduce this majestic creature of the deep to the dimensions of a chafing +dish and a three-cornered slice of toast. Then she knitted. + +She had left numerous openings; some humorous emprise of Sandy Sawtelle, +presumably distressing; the gameness of one Timmins as a winner; the +whale as a food animal; the spectacular price of mules broken to harness. +Rather than choose blindly among them I spoke of my day's fishing. +Departing at sunrise I had come in with a bounteous burden of rainbow +trout, which I now said would prove no mean substitute for meat at the +evening meal. + +Then, as she grimly knitted, Ma Pettengill discoursed of other boasted +substitutes for meat, none of which pleased her. Hogs and sheep were +other substitutes, there being but one genuine meat, to wit, Beef. Take +hogs; mean, unsociable animals, each hog going off by himself, cursing +and swearing every step of the way. Had I ever seen a hog that thought +any other hog was good enough to associate with him? No, I hadn't; nor +nobody else. A good thing hogs couldn't know their present price. Stuck +up enough already! And sheep? Silly. No minds of their own. Let one die +and all the rest think they got to die also. Do it too. No brain. Of +course the price tempted a lot of moral defectives to raise 'em, but when +you reflected that you had to go afoot, with a dog that was smarter than +any man at it, and a flea-bitten burro for your mess wagon---not for her. +Give her a business where you could set on a horse. Yes, sir; people +would get back to Nature and raise beef after the world had been made +safe once more for a healthy appetite. This here craze for substitutes +would die out. You couldn't tell her there was any great future for the +canned jack-rabbit business, for instance--just a fad; and whales the +same. She knew and I knew that a whale was too big to eat. People +couldn't get any real feeling for it, and not a chance on earth to breed +'em up and improve the flesh. Wasn't that the truth? And these here diet +experts, with their everlasting talk about carbos and hydrates, were they +doing a thing but simply taking all the romance out of food? No, they +were not. Of course honest fish, like trout, were all right if a body +was sick or not hungry or something. + +Trout reminded her of something, and here again the baleful tooth of +calumny fleshed itself in the fair repute of one Timmins. She described +him as "a strange growth named Timmins, that has the Lazy 8 Ranch over +on the next creek and wears kind of aimless whiskers all over his face +till you'd think he had a gas mask on." She talked freely of him. + +"You know what he does when he wants a mess of trout? Takes one of +these old-fashioned beer bottles with patent stoppers, fills it up with +unslaked lime, pours in a little water, stops it up, drops it in a likely +looking trout pool, and in one minute it explodes as good as something +made by a Russian patriot; all the trout in the pool are knocked out +and float on the surface, where this old highbinder gathers 'em in. He's +a regular efficiency expert in sport. Take fall and spring, when the wild +geese come through, he'll soak grain in alcohol and put it out for 'em +over on the big marsh. First thing you know he'll have a drunken old +goose by the legs, all maudlin and helpless. Puts him in a coop till +he sobers up, then butchers him. + +"Such is Safety First: never been known to take a chance yet. Why, say, +a year ago when he sold off his wool there was a piece in the county +paper about him getting eighteen thousand dollars for it; so naturally +there was a man that said he was a well-known capitalist come up from +San Francisco to sell him some stock in a rubber company. Safety admits +he has the money and he goes down to the big city for a week at the +capitalist's expense, seeing the town's night life and the blue-print +maps and the engraved stock and samples of the rubber and the +capitalist's picture under a magnificent rubber tree in South America, +and he's lodged in a silk boudoir at the best hotel and wined and +dined very deleteriously and everything is agreed to. And the night +before he's going to put his eighteen thousand into this lovely rubber +stock that will net him two hundred per cent, at the very lowest, on the +capitalist's word of honour, what does he do but sneak out and take the +train for home on his return ticket that he'd made the capitalist buy +him. + +"Ever talk to one of these rich capitalists that has rubber stock for +sale in South America or a self-starting banana orchard? You know how +good they are. + +"You're certainly entitled to anything of your own that you've kept +after they get through with you. And would you think that this poor, +simple-minded old rancher would be any match for their wiles? But if +you knew he had been a match and had nicked 'em for at least three +hundred dollars, would you still think something malignant might be +put over on him by a mere scrub buckeroo named Sandy Sawtelle, that +never made a cent in his life except by the most degrading manual +labour? No, you wouldn't. No fair-minded judge of criminals would. + +"But I admit I had a weak moment. Yes, sir; for a brief spell I was all +too human. Or I guess what it was. I was all blinded up with immoral +designs, this here snake-blooded Timmins having put things over on me +in stock deals from time to time till I'd got to lying awake nights +thinking how I could make a believer of him. I wanted him to know there +is a God, even if it hadn't ever seemed so to him. + +"Of course I knew it would have to be some high-grade felony, he being +proof against common depredations. Well, then, along come this Sunday +paper, with two whole pages telling about how the meat of the common +whale will win the war, with a picture of a whale having dotted lines +showing how to butcher it, and recipes for whale patties, and so forth. +And next comes the circus to Red Gap, with old Pete, the Indian, going +down to it and getting crazy about elephants. And so that was how it +happened." + +The lady now knitted in silence, appearing to believe that all had been +told. + +I waited a decent interval, then said I was glad indeed to know how it +had all happened; that it was a great help to know how it had happened, +even if I must remain forever ignorant of what it was that had happened. +Of course I couldn't expect to be told that. + +It merely brought more about mules. Five hundred dollars a span for mules +looked good until you remembered that you needed 'em worse than the other +party did. She had to keep her twenty span of old reliables because, what +with the sailors and section hands you got nowadays to do your haying, +you had to have tame mules. Give 'em any other kind and they'd desert the +ship the minute a team started to run. It cost too much for wagon +repairs. + +Silence again. + +I now said I had, it was true, heard much low neighbourhood scandal about +the Timmins man, but that I had learned not to believe all I heard about +people; there was too much prejudice in the world, and at least two sides +to every question. + +This merely evoked the item that Timmins had bought him a thrift stamp +on the sole ground that it had such a pretty name; then came the wish +that she might have seen him dining in public at that rich hotel where +the capitalist paid the bills. + +She thought people must have been startled by some of his actions. + +"Yes, sir; that old outlaw will eat soup or any soft food with almost no +strategy at all." + +As we seemed to be getting nowhere I meanly rolled the lady a cigarette. +She hates to stop knitting to roll one, but she will stop to light it. + +She stopped now, and as I held the match for her I said quite frankly +that it had become necessary for me to be told the whole thing from start +to finish. She said she had told me everything--and believed it--but +would go over it again if I didn't understand. Though not always starting +at command, the lady has really a full habit of speech. + +I told you about whales, didn't I? Whales started it--whales for table +use. It come in the Sunday paper--with the picture of a handsome whale +and the picture of a French cook kissing his fingers over the way he has +cooked some of it; and the picture of a pleased young couple eating whale +in a swell restaurant; and the picture of a fair young bride in her +kitchenette cutting up three cents' worth of whale meat into a chafing +dish and saying how glad she was to have something tasty and cheap for +dearie's lunch; and the picture of a poor labouring man being told by +someone down in Washington, D.C., that's making a dollar a year, that +a nickel's worth of prime whale meat has more actual nourishment than a +dollar's worth of porterhouse steak; and so on, till you'd think the +world's food troubles was going to be settled in jig time; all people +had to do was to go out and get a good eating whale and salt down the +side meat and smoke the shoulders and grind up some sausage and be fixed +for the winter, with plenty to send a mess round to the neighbours now +and then. + +And knocking beef, you understand, till you'd think no one but criminals +and idiots would ever touch a real steak again, on account of its being +so poor in food values, like this Washington scientist says that gets a +dollar a year salary and earns every cent of it. It made me mad, the +slanderous things they said about beef; but I read the piece over pretty +carefully and I really couldn't see where the whale was going to put me +out of business, at least for a couple years yet. It looked like I'd have +time, anyway, to make a clean-up before you'd be able to go into any +butcher shop and get a rib roast of young whale for six cents, with a +bushel or two of scraps thrown in for the dog. + +Then this Sunday paper goes out to the bunk house and the boys find the +whale piece and get excited about it. Looks like if it's true that most +of 'em will be driving ice wagons or something for a living. They want +me to send down for a mess of whale meat so they can see if it tastes +like regular food. They don't hardly believe these pictures where people +dressed up like they had money are going into spasms of delight about it. +Still, they don't know--poor credulous dubs! They think things you see in +a Sunday paper might be true now and then, even if it is most always a +pack of lies thought up by dissipated newspaper men. + +I tell 'em they can send for a whole whale if they want to pay for it, +but none of my money goes that way so long as stall-fed beef retains its +present flavour; and furthermore I expect to be doing business right here +for years after the whale fad has died out--doing the best I can with +about ten silly cowhands taking the rest cure at my expense the minute I +step off the place. I said there was no doubt they should all be added to +the ranks of the unemployed that very minute--but due to other well-known +causes than the wiping out of the cattle industry by cold whale hash in +jelly, which happened to be the dish this French chef was going crazy +over. + +They chewed over that pointed information for a while, then they got to +making each other bets of a thousand dollars about what whale meat would +taste like; whether whale liver and bacon could be told from natural +liver and bacon, and whether whale steak would probably taste like +catfish or mebbe more like mud turtle. Sandy Sawtelle, who always knows +everything by divine right, like you might say, he says in superior tones +that it won't taste like either one but has a flavour all its own, which +even he can't describe, though it will be something like the meat of the +wild sea cow, which roams the ocean in vast herds off the coast of +Florida. + +Then they consider the question of a whale round-up in an expert manner. +It don't look none too good, going out on rodeo in water about three +miles too deep for wading, though the idea of lass'ing a whale calf and +branding it does hold a certain fascination. Sandy says it would be the +only livestock business on earth where you don't always have to be +fearing a dry season; and Buck Devine says that's so, and likewise +the range is practically unlimited, as any one can see from a good map, +and wouldn't it be fine riding herd in a steam yacht with a high-class +bartender handy, instead of on a so-and-so cayuse that was liable any +minute to trade ends and pour you out of the saddle on to your lame +shoulder. + +They'd got to kidding about it by this time, when who should ride up but +old Safety First Timmins. They spring the food whale on Safety with much +flourish. They show him the pictures and quote prices on the hoof--which +are low, but look what even a runt of a yearling whale that was calved +late in the fall would weigh on the scales!--and no worry about fences or +free range or winter feeding or water holes; nothing to do but ride round +on your private steamboat with a good orchestra, and a chance to be +dissolute and count your money. And look what a snap the pioneers will +have with all the mavericks; probably not a single whale in the ocean yet +branded! And does Timmins want to throw in with us? If he does mebbe they +can fix up a deal with me because I want a good business man at the head +of the new outfit. + +But Safety says right off quick that it's all a pack of nonsense. He says +it's the mad dream of a visionary or feeble-minded person. He don't deny +there would be money in whales if they could be handled, but you couldn't +handle anything that had the whole ocean to swim in that covers three +quarters of the earth's surface, as he has often read. And how would you +get a branding iron on a whale, and what good would it do you? He'd beat +it out for Europe. He said they was foolish to think whales would stay in +a herd, and he guessed I'd been talking just to hear myself talk, or more +likely I'd been kidding 'em to get a good laugh. + +Sandy says: "Well, I wasn't going to tell you at first, but I guess it'll +be safe with you, you being a good friend of the Arrowhead, only don't +let it go no farther; but the fact is the boss is negotiating for the +whale privilege in Great Salt Lake. Yes, sir, she's bribing the Utah +legislature this very minute to let the bill go through! And I guess that +don't look much like kidding. As soon as the governor has signed the bill +she'll put in a couple of good three-year-old bull whales and a nice +little herd of heifers and have the world's meat supply at her finger +ends in less than five years--just killing off the yearling steers." + +Safety looks a bit startled at this, and Sandy goes on to say that though +whale meat is now but a fad of the idle rich it's bound to be the meat of +rich and poor alike in future. He'd bet a thousand dollars to a dime that +by the time the next war come along the first thing they'd do would be to +establish a whaleless day. He said whale meat was just that good. + +Safety chewed his gum quite a time on this--he says if a man chews gum he +won't ruin himself in pocket for tobacco--and he read the whale article +over carefully and looked at the pictures again, but he still said it +didn't sound to him like a legitimate business enterprise. He said for +one thing there'd be trouble shipping the original herd up to Salt Lake. +Sandy said it was true; there would be the initial expense of loading on +to flat cars, and a couple of tunnels would have to be widened so the +bulls wouldn't be rasped going through, but that I have already taken +this up with the railroad company. + +Safety says that may all be true, but, mark his words, the minute my herd +gets into inland waters it will develop some kind of disease like anthrax +or blackleg, and the whole bunch will die on me. Sandy says it will be a +simple matter to vaccinate, because the animals will be as affectionate +as kittens by that time through having been kindly handled, which is all +a whale needs. He says they really got a very social nature and are loyal +unto death. Once a whale is your friend, he says, it's for life, rain or +shine, just so long as you treat him square. Even do a whale a favour +just once and he'll remember your face, make no difference if it's fifty +years; though being the same, it is true, in his hatreds, because a whale +never forgives an injury. A sailor he happens to know once give a whale +he had made friends with a chew of tobacco just for a joke and the animal +got into an awful rage and tried to tear the ship down to get at him, and +then he followed the ship all over the world waiting for this sailor to +fall off or get wrecked or something, till finally the hunted man got so +nervous he quit the sea and is now running a news stand in Seattle, if +Safety don't believe it. It just goes to show that a whale as long as +you're square with him is superior in mind and morals to a steer, which +ain't got sense enough to know friend from foe. + +Safety still shakes his head. He says "safe and sane" has been his motto +throughout a long and busy life and this here proposition don't sound +like neither one to him. The boys tell him he's missing a good thing by +not throwing in with us. They say I'm giving 'em each a big block of +stock, paid up and non-assessable, and they don't want him to come round +later when they're rolling in wealth and ask why they didn't give him a +chance too. + +"I can just hear you talk," said Sandy. "You'll be saying: 'I knew that +whole fool bunch when not one ever had a dollar he could call his own the +day after he was paid off, and now look at 'em--throwing their hundreds +of thousands right and left; houses with pianos in every room; new boots +every week; silver-mounted saddles at a thousand each; choice wines, +liquors, and cigars; private taxicabs; and Alexander J. Sawtelle, the +wealthy banker, being elected to Congress by an overwhelming majority!' +That's the way you'll be talking," said Sandy, "with regret eating into +your vitals like some horrible acid that is fatal to man and beast." + +Safety says he thinks they're all plumb crazy, and a fool and his money +is soon parted--this being a saying he must have learned at the age of +three and has never forgotten a word of--and he comes up to the house to +see me. Mebbe he wanted to find out if I had really lost my mind, but he +said nothing about whales. Just set round and talked the usual hard luck. +Been in the stock business thirty years and never had a good year yet. +Nothing left of his cattle but the running gear; and his land so poor you +couldn't even raise a row on it unless you went there mad; and why he +keeps on struggling in the bitter clutch of misfortune he don't know. But +I always know why he keeps on struggling. Money! Nothing but money. So +when he got through mourning over his ruined fortunes, and feebly said +something about taking some mules off my hands at a fair price, I shut +him off firmly. Whenever that old crook talks about taking anything off +your hands he's plotting as near highway robbery as they'll let him stay +out of jail for. He was sad when I refused two hundred and fifty dollars +a span for my best mules. + +He went off shaking his head like he hadn't expected such inhumanity from +an old friend and neighbour to one who through hard luck was now down and +out. + +Well, I hear no more about whales; but a circus is coming to Red Gap and +old Pete, the Indian, says he must go down to it, his mind being inflamed +by some incredible posters pasted over the blacksmith shop at Kulanche. +He says he's a very old man and can't be with us long, and when he does +take the one-way trail he wants to be able to tell his friends on the +other side all about the strange animals that they never had a chance to +see. The old pagan was so excited about it I let him go. And he was still +more excited when he got back two days later. Yes, sir; he'd found a way +to fortune. + +He said I'd sure think he was a liar with a crooked tongue and a false +heart, but they had an animal at that circus as big as our biggest +covered mess wagon and it would weigh as much as the six biggest steers I +ever shipped. It has a nose about five feet long--he was sure I wouldn't +believe this part--that it fed itself with, and it carried so much meat +that just one ham would keep a family like Pete's going all winter. He +said of course I would think he was a liar, but I could write down to Red +Gap to a lawyer, and the lawyer would get plenty of people to swear to it +right in the courthouse. And so now I must hurry up and stock the place +with these animals and have more meat than anybody in the world and get +rich pretty quick. Forty times he stretched his arms to show me how big +one of these hams would be, and he said the best part was that this +animal hardly ate anything at all but a little popcorn and a few peanuts. +Hadn't he watched it for hours? And if I didn't hurry others would get +the idea and run prices up. + +I guess Pete's commercial mind must of been engaged by hearing the boys +talk about whales. He hadn't held with the whale proposition, not for a +minute, after he learned they live in the ocean. He once had a good look +at the ocean and he promptly said "Too much water!" But here was a land +animal packing nearly as much meat as a whale, eating almost nothing, and +as tame as a puppy. "I think, 'Injun how you smart!'" he says when he got +through telling me all this in a very secret and important way. + +I told him he was very smart indeed and ought to have a job with the +Government at a dollar a year telling people to quit beef meat for the +elephant. I said I was much obliged for the tip and if I ever got to +going good in elephants I'd see he had a critter of his own to butcher +every fall. So Pete went out with all his excitement and told the boys +how I was going to stock the ranch with these new animals which was +better than whales because you wouldn't have to get your feet wet. The +boys made much of it right off. + +In no time at all they had all the white-faces sold off and vast herds of +pure-bred elephants roaming over the ranch with the Arrowhead brand on +'em. Down on the flat lands they had waving fields of popcorn and up +above here they had a thousand acres of ripening peanuts; and Sandy +Sawtelle, the king of the humourists, he hit on another idea that would +bring in fifty thousand dollars a year just on the side. He said if a +crowd come along to a ranch and bought the rancher's own hay for the sake +of feeding it to his own steers they would be thought weak-minded. Not so +with elephants. He said people would come from far and near and bring +their little ones to buy our own peanuts and popcorn to feed our own +elephants. All we needed to do was put the stuff up in sacks at a nickel +a throw. He said of course the novelty might die out in time, but if he +could only get the peanut-and-popcorn concession for the first three +years that would be all he'd want for his simple needs of living in a +swell marble house in Spokane, with a private saloon and hired help to +bring him his breakfast in bed and put on another record and minister +to his lightest whim. Buck Devine said he'd be able to throw his own good +money right and left if he could get the ivory privilege, which is made +from the horns of the elephant and is used for many useful purposes; and +one of the other boys says they'll develop a good milk strain and get a +dairy herd, because the milk of this noble animal ought to be fine for +prize fighters and piano movers. + +In about ten minutes they was doing quite a business for old Pete's +benefit, and Pete very earnest about it. He says I've promised him a +young animal to butcher every fall, and they tell him there ain't no meat +so good as a prime young popcorn-fed elephant, and he'll certainly live +high. And just then up rides old Safety First again. So they get silent +and mysterious all at once and warn Pete, so Safety will hear it, not to +say a word to any one. Pete looks secretive and hostile at the visitor +and goes back to his woodpile. Safety naturally says what fool thing have +they got into their heads now, and he supposes it's some more of that +whale nonsense. + +The boys clam up. They say this is nothing like whales, but a dry-land +proposition too important to talk about; that I've sworn everyone to +secrecy, but he'll see soon enough what it is when the big money begins +to roll in. They don't mind telling him it's an African proposition of +new and nourishing food, a regular godsend to the human race, but they +got to keep quiet until I get my options bought up so I'll have the +cream of the business. + +Safety sniffs in a baffled manner and tries to worm out a hint, but they +say it's a thing would go like wildfire once it got known, being so much +tastier than whale meat and easier to handle, and eating almost nothing. + +"Whales was pretty good," says Sandy; "but since the boss got a line on +this other animal she's disposed of her whale interests for seventy-three +thousand dollars." + +Buck Devine says I showed him the check, that come in yesterday's mail, +and let him hold it a minute so he could say he once held seventy-three +thousand dollars in his hand just like that. And the money was to be put +into this new business, with the boys being let in on the ground floor, +like they had been with the whales. Sandy says that in probably a year +from now, or eighteen months at the most, he won't be a thing but a +dissipated millionaire. Nothing but that! + +Safety is peculiar in his mind. If you told him you found a million gold +dollars up in the top of that jack pine he wouldn't believe it, yet still +and all he'd get a real thrill out of it. He certainly does cherish +money. The very notion of it is romantic to him. And he must of been +thrilled now. He hung round, listening keenly while the boys squandered +their vast wealth in various reprehensible ways, trying to get some idea +about the new animal. Finally he sniffed some more, and they was all +crazy as loons, and went off. But where does he go but over to old Pete +at the woodpile and keeps him from his work for ten minutes trying to get +the new animal's name out of Pete. But he can't trap the redman into any +admissions. All he can find out is that Pete is serious and excited. + +Then he come up to ask me once more if he couldn't take some mules off +my hands. He found out quick and short that he couldn't. Still he hung +round, talking nonsense as far as I could make out, because I hadn't +yet been let in on the new elephant proposition. He says he hears I'm +taking up a new line of stock, the same not being whales nor anything +that swims, and if it's more than I can swing by myself, why, he's a good +neighbour of long standing, and able in a pinch, mebbe, to scrape up a +few thousand dollars, or even more if it's a sure cinch, and how about +it, and from one old friend to another just what is this new line? + +Being busy I acted short. I said I was sticking to cattle in spite of the +infamous gossip against 'em, and all reports to the contrary was mere +society chatter. Still he acted like I was trying to fool him. He went +out saying if I changed my mind any time I was to let him know, and he'd +be over again soon to talk mules at least, if nothing else, and anything +he could do for me any time, just say the word, and try some of this gum, +and so forth. I was right puzzled by these here refined civilities of his +until Pete comes in and tells me how the boys have stocked the old ranch +with elephants and how Safety has tried to get him to tell the secret. I +tell Pete he's done right to keep still, and then I go down to the bunk +house and hear the whole thing. + +By this time they're shipping thousands of steer elephants at top prices; +they catch 'em up off soft feed and fatten 'em on popcorn and peanuts, +and every Thanksgiving they send a nice fat calf down to the White House, +for no one looks at turkey any more. Sandy is now telling what a snap it +will be to ride herd on elephants. + +"You pick out a big one," he says, "and you build a little cupalo up on +top of him and climb up into it by means of a ladder, and set there in +this little furnished room with a good book, and smoke and pass the time +away while your good old saddle elephant does the work. All you got to do +is lean out of the front window now and then and jab him in the forehead +with an ice pick, whichever way you want him to turn." + +I said trust a cow-puncher to think up some way where he'd have to do as +little work with his hands as he does with his head. But I admitted they +seemed to have landed on old Timmins for once, because he had tried to +get Pete to betray the secret and then come wheedling round to me about +it. I said I could talk more intelligently next time, and he would sure +come again because he had lavished two sticks of gum on me, which was an +incredible performance and could not have been done except for an evil +purpose. + +"Now say," says Sandy, "that does look like we got him believing. I was +going to kid him along about once more, then spring elephants on him, and +we'd all have a good laugh at the old wolf. But it looks to me like a +chance for better than a laugh; it looks to me like we might commit a +real crime against him." + +"He never carries anything on him," I says, "if you're meaning something +plain, like highway robbery." + +Sandy says he don't mean that; he means real Wall Street stuff, such as +one gentleman can pull on another and still keep loose; crooked, he says, +but not rough. I ask what is the idea, and Sandy says get him more and +more feverish about the vast returns from this secret enterprise. Then +we'll cut out a bunch of culls--thin stuff and runts and cripples--and +make him give about four times what they're worth on a promise to let him +into the new deal; tell him we must be rid of this stuff to make room for +the new animals, and naturally we'll favour our friends. + +"There, now!" says Sandy. "I should be in Wall Street this minute, being +able to think up a coop as pernicious as that: and I would of been there, +too, only I hate city life." + +"For once in the world's history," I says, "there may be a grain of +sense in your words. Only no cows in the deal. Even to defraud the old +crook I wouldn't let him have hide nor hair of a beef, not since he +worked on my feelings in the matter of them bull calves two years ago. +Mules, yes. But the cow is too worthy a beast to be mixed up in anything +sinful I put over on that profiteer. Now I'll tell you what," I says, +very businesslike: "you boys tole him along till he gets hectic enough to +take that bunch of mule runts down in the south field, and anything you +get over fifty dollars a head I'll split with you." + +Sandy hollers at this. He says this bunch ain't mules but rabbits, and +that I wouldn't refuse forty a head for 'em this minute. He says even a +man expecting to be let in on a sure-thing elephant ranch would know +something wicked was meant if asked to give even as much as fifty dollars +for these insects. I tell him all very true; but this is just the margin +for his lasting financial genius which he displays so little reticence +about that it'll get into the papers and make him a marked man from coast +to coast if he ain't careful. He says oh, all right, if I want to take it +that way, and he'll see what he can do. Mebbe he can get fifty-five a +head, which would not only give the boys a good laugh but provide a +little torch money. + +I left 'em plotting against a man that had never been touched by any plot +whatever. I resolved to remain kind of aloof from their nefarious doings. +It didn't seem quite dignified for one of my standing to be mixed up in a +deal so crooked--at least no more than necessary to get my share of the +pickings. + +Sure enough, the very next day here come the depraved old outcast +marauding round again at lunch time and et with the boys in the kitchen. +He found 'em full of suppressed excitement and secret speech and +careless talk about large sums of money. It must of been like sweetest +music to his ears. One says how much would it be safe to count on cutting +up the first year--how much in round numbers; and another would say that +in round numbers, what with the expense of getting started and figuring +everything down to the last cent, it wouldn't be safe to count on more +than a hundred thousand dollars; but, of course, for the second year, +now, why it would be nearer two hundred thousand in round numbers, even +figuring everything fine and making big allowance for shrinkage. After +that they handed money back and forth in round numbers till they got +sick of the sound of it. + +They said Safety set and listened in a trance, only waking up now and +then to see if he couldn't goad someone into revealing the name of this +new animal. But they always foiled him. Sandy Sawtelle drew an affecting +picture of himself being cut off by high living at the age of ninety, +leaving six or eight million dollars in round numbers and having his kin +folks squabble over his will till the lawyers got most of it. They said +Safety hardly et a morsel and had an evil glitter in his eyes. + +And after lunch he went out to the woodpile where old Pete was working +and offered him two bits in money to tell him the secret, and when old +Pete scorned him he raised it to four bits. I guess the idea of any one +refusing money merely for a little talk had never seemed possible to him. +He must of thought there was sure something in it. I was away that day, +but when I got back and heard about his hellish attempt to bribe old +Pete I told the boys they sure had the chance of a lifetime. I said if +there was a mite of financial prowess in the bunch they would start the +price on them runt mules at one hundred dollars flat, because it was +certain that Safety had struck the skids. + +Next day it looked better than ever. Safety not only appeared in the +afternoon but he brought me a quart jar of honey from his own bees. Any +one not having looked up his criminal record would little understand +what this meant. I pretended to be too busy to be startled at the gift, +which broke thirty years of complete inactivity in that line. I looked +worried and important with a litter of papers on my desk and seemed to +have no time to waste on callers. He mentioned mules once or twice with +no effect whatever, then says he hears I'm going into a new line that +seems like it might have a few dollars in it, and he hopes I won't lose +my all, because so many things nowadays look good till they're tried. +I was crafty. I said I might be going into a new line, then again it +might be nothing but idle talk and he better not believe everything he +hears. + +He took up the jar of honey and fondled it, with his face looking like +he was laying a loved one to rest, and said he wouldn't mind going into +something new himself if he could be sure it was sound, because the stock +business at present was a dog's life. He said the war was to be won by +food, and every patriot should either go across or come across, and he +was trying to stand by the flag and save all the food he could, but by +the way his help acted at mealtime you'd think they was a gang of German +spies. Watch 'em eat beans, he said, and you'd think they'd never heard +that beans had gone from three cents a pound to sixteen; but they had +heard it, because he'd told 'em so in plain English more than once. But +it had no effect. The way they dished into 'em you'd think we'd been +endowed with beans the same as with God's own sunlight. + +He said it was discouraging to a staunch patriot. Here was the President +trying to make democracy safe for the world, and he was now going to +stand by the Administration even if he had voted the Republican ticket +up to now; but three of his men had quit only yesterday and the war was +certainly lost if the labouring classes kept on making gods of their +stomachs that way. And as a matter of fact now, as between old friends +and neighbours, if I had something that looked good, why not keep it all +together just with us here in the valley, he, though a poor man, being +able to scrape up a few thousand dollars in round numbers for any +enterprise that was a cinch. + +And the old hound being worth a good half million dollars at that +instant! But I kept control of my face and looked still more worried +and important and said I might have to take in a good man, and then +again I might not. I couldn't tell till I got some odd lots of stock +cleaned up. Then I looked at some more documents and, like I was talking +unconsciously to myself, I muttered, though distinctly: "Now that there +bunch of runt mules--they'll have to go; but, of course, not for any mere +song." + +Then I studied some more documents in a masterful manner and forgot my +caller entirely till at last he pussyfooted out, having caught sight of +Sandy down by the corral. + +Pretty soon Sandy reports to me. He says Safety is hurt at my cold manner +to an old friend and neighbour that's always running in with a jar of +honey or some knickknack; and he had mentioned the runt mules, saying +he might be induced to consider 'em though I probably won't let 'em go +for any mere song, contemptible as they are. Sandy says he's right; that +it's got to be a whole opera with words and music for them mules. He says +I got a reason for acting firm about the price, the reason being that +this new line I'm going to embark in is such a sure thing that I want +only friends to come in, and I got to be convinced first that their heart +is in the right place. + +Safety says his heart is always getting the best of his head in stock +deals, but just how foolish will I expect an old and tried friend to seem +about these scrub mules that nobody in his right mind would touch at any +price. + +Sandy yawns like he was weary of it all and says a hundred dollars flat. +He said Safety just stood still and looked at him forever without batting +an eye, till he got rattled and said that mebbe ninety-five might be +considered. That's a trick with this old robber when a party's got +something to sell him. They tell their price and he just keeps still and +looks at 'em--not indignant nor astonished, not even interested, but +merely fishlike. Most people can't stand it long, it's that uncanny. +They get fussed and nervous, and weaken before he's said a single word. + +But it was certain now that the mystery was getting to Safety, because +otherwise he'd have laughed his head off at the mention of a hundred +dollars for these mules. Three months before he'd heard me himself offer +'em for forty a head. You see, when I bought bands of mules from time to +time I'd made the sellers throw in the little ones to go free with the +trade. I now had twenty-five or so, but it had begun to get to me that +mebbe those sellers hadn't been so easy as I thought at the time. They +was knotty-headed little runts that I'd never bothered to handle. + +Last spring I had the boys chink up the cracks in the corral and put each +one of the cunning little mites into the chute and roach it so as to put +a bow in its neck; then I put the bunch on good green feed where they +would fatten and shed off; but it was wasted effort. They looked so much +like field mice I was afraid that cats would make a mistake. After they +got fat the biggest one looked as if he'd weigh close up to seven hundred +and fifty. It was when they had begun to buy mules too; that is to say, +mules! But no such luck as a new West Pointer coming to inspect these; +nothing but wise old cavalry captains that when they put an eye on the +bunch would grin friendly at me and hesitate only long enough to put some +water in the radiator. I bet there never was a bunch of three-year-old +mules that stood so much condemning. + +After offering 'em for forty a head one time to a party and having him +answer very simply by asking how the road was on beyond and which turn +did he take, I quit bothering. After that when buyers come along I told +the truth and said I didn't have any mules. I had to keep my real ones, +and it wasn't worth while showing those submules. And this was the bunch +Sandy had told S.F. Timmins he could take away for a hundred a head--or +even ninety-five. And Safety hadn't laughed! + +And would you have wondered when he sifts in a couple days later and +makes me a cold offer of sixty dollars a head for this choice livestock? +Yes, sir! He says "Live and let live" is his motto, and he wants to prove +that I have wronged him in the past if I ever had the faintest suspicion +that he wasn't the ideal party to have in on a deal that was going to net +everyone concerned a handsome fortune. He says the fact is money goes +through his fingers like water if you come right down to it; and sixty or +even sixty-five if I want to push him to extremes, because he's the last +man on God's green earth to let five dollars split up old neighbours +that ought to be hand and glove in any new deal that come up. + +It like to of keeled me over, but I recovered and become busier than ever +and got out my bank book and begun to figure over that. I said Sandy +Sawtelle had the handling of this particular bunch of my assets and +I couldn't be bothered by it. + +So he mooches down to the barn till Sandy come in with Buck Devine. +They was chattering about three hundred thousand dollars in round numbers +when they got near enough for him to overhear their private conversation. +They wondered why they had wasted so much of their lives in the cattle +business, but now them old hard-working days was over, or soon would be, +with nothing to do but travel round in Pullman palace cars and see +America first, and go to movies, and so forth. Safety wished to haggle +some about the mules, but Sandy says he's already stated the price in +clear, ringing tones, and he has no time to waste, being that I must +send him down that night to get an order on the wire for two carloads +of the Little Giant peanut. Safety just blinked at this, not even asking +why the peanuts; and the boys left him cold. + +When I told 'em about the offer to me of sixty or a possible sixty-five, +they at once done a medicine dance. + +"This here will be the richest coop ever pulled off west of Cheyenne," +says Buck; and Sandy says he guesses anybody not blind can now see that +well-known street in New York he ought to have his office on. He says +he hopes Safety don't fall too easy, because he wants more chance to +work it up. + +But Sandy is doomed to disappointment. Safety holds off only two days +more. Two days he loafs round at mealtimes, listening to their rich +converse and saying he'd like to know who's a better friend of this +outfit than he's been for twenty years. The boys tell him if he's such +a good friend to go ahead and prove it with a little barter that would +be sure to touch my heart. And the first day Safety offers seventy-five +a head for these here jack rabbits, which they calmly ignore and go on +talking about Liberty Bonds being a good safe investment; and the second +day he just cries like a child that he'll pay eighty-five and trust to +their honour that he's to have in on this new sure-thing deal. + +That seemed enough, so they all shook hands with the spendthrift and +slapped him on the back in good fellowship, and said they knew all the +time he had a heart of gold and they feel free to say now that once the +money has passed he won't be let to go off the place till he has heard +all about the new enterprise and let in on the ground floor, and they +hope he won't ever forget this moment when the money begins to roll in +fit to smother him in round numbers. So Safety says he knows they're a +good square set of boys, as clean as a hound's tooth, and he'll be over +to-morrow to take over the stock and hear the interesting details. + +The boys set up late that night figuring their share of the burglary. +There was twenty-five of these ground squirrels. I was to get my fifty a +head, at least ten of which was illegitimate. Then for the thirty-five, +which was the real robbery, I was to take half, and eight of the boys the +other half. I begun to wonder that night just what could be done to us +under the criminal law. It looked like three years in some good jail +wouldn't be a bit too harsh. + +Next day bright and early here comes frugal Safety, gangling along behind +his whiskers and bringing one of his ill-fed hirelings to help drive the +stuff back. Safety is rubbing his hands and acting very sprightly, with +an air of false good fellowship. It almost seems like he was afraid they +had thought better of the trade and might try to crawl out. He wants it +over quick. They all go down and help him drive his purchase out of the +lower field, where they been hiding in the tall grass, and in no time +at all have the bunch headed down the lane on to the county road, with +Safety's man keeping well up to protect 'em from the coyotes. + +Next there's kind of a solemn moment when the check is being made out. +Safety performs that serious operation down at the bunk house. Making out +any check is always the great adventure with him. He writes it with his +heart's blood, and not being the greatest scholar in the world he has to +count the letters in his name after it's written--he knows there ought to +be nine together--and then he has to wipe the ink off his hands and sigh +dismally and say if this thing keeps up he'll be spending his old age at +the poor farm, and so forth. It all went according to schedule, except +that he seemed strangely eager and under a severe nervous strain. + +Me? I'd been, sort of hanging round on the edge of events while the +dastardly deed was being committed, not seeming to be responsible in any +way. My Lord! I still wanted to be able to face the bereaved man as an +honest woman and tell him it was only some nonsense of the boys for which +I could not be held under the law, no matter how good a lawyer he'd get. +When they come trooping out of the bunk house I was pretending to consult +Abner, the blacksmith, about some mower parts. And right off I was struck +by the fact that Safety seemed to be his old self again; his air of false +gayety and nervous strain had left him and he was cold and silent and +deadly, like the poisonous cobra of India. + +But now they was going to spring the new secret enterprise on him, so I +moved off toward the house a bit, not wanting to be too near when his +screams begun. It did seem kind of shameful, taking advantage of the +old miser's grasping habits; still, I remembered a few neat things he'd +done to me and I didn't slink too far into the background. Safety was +standing by his horse with the boys all gathered close round him, and I +heard Sandy say "Elephants--nothing but elephants--that's the new idea!" + +Then they all begun to talk at once, jabbering about the peanuts and +popcorn that crowds of people will come to buy from us to feed back to +our stock, and how there's more meat in an elephant than in six steers, +and about how the punchers will be riding round in these little cupalos +up on top of their big saddle elephants; and they kept getting swifter +and more excited in their talk, till at last they just naturally exploded +when they made sure Safety got the idea and would know he'd been made a +fool of. They had a grand time; threw their hats in the air and danced +round their victim and punched each other, and their yells and hearty +laughter could of been heard for miles up and down the creek. Two or +three had guns they let off to add to the gleeful noise. Oh, it was +deuces wild for about three minutes. They nearly died laughing. + +Then the whole thing kind of died a strange and painful death. Safety +wasn't taking on one bit like a man that's been stung. He stood there +cold and malignant and listened to the noise and didn't bat an eye till +he just naturally quelled the disorder. It got as still as a church, and +then Safety talked a little in a calm voice. + +"Elephants?" says he, kind of amused. "Why, elephants ain't no good stock +proposition because it takes 'em so long to mature! Elephants is often a +hundred and twenty years old. You'd have to feed one at least forty years +to get him fit to ship. I really am surprised at you boys, going into a +proposition like that without looking up the details. It certainly ain't +anything for my money. Why, you couldn't even veal an elephant till he +was about fifteen years old, which would need at least six thousand +dollars' worth of peanuts; and what kind of a stock business is that, I'd +like to know. And even if they could rustle their own feed, what kind of +a business is it where you could only ship once in a lifetime? You boys +make me tired, going hell-bent into an enterprise where you'd all be dead +and forgotten before the first turnover of your stock." + +He now looked at 'em in a sad, rebuking manner. It was like an icy blast +from Greenland the way he took it. + +Two or three tried to start the big laugh again, but their yips was +feeble and died quickly out. They just stood there foolish. Even Sandy +Sawtelle couldn't think of anything bright to say. + +Safety now climbs on his horse, strangely cheerful, and says; "Well, I'll +have to be getting along with them new mules of mine." Then he kind of +giggled at the crowd and says: "I certainly got the laugh on this outfit, +starting a business where this here old Methusalem hisself could hardly +get it going good before death cut him off!" + +And away he rides, chuckling like it was an awful joke on us. Not a +single scream of agony about what had been done to him with them stunted +mules. + +Of course that was all I needed to know. One deadly chill of fear took me +from head to foot. I knew perfectly well our trench was mined and the +fuse lighted. Up comes this chucklehead of a Sawtelle, and for once in +his life he's puzzled. + +"Well," he says, "you got to give old S.F. credit for one thing. Did you +see the way he tried to switch the laugh over on to us, and me with his +trusty check right here in my hand? I never would have thought it, but +he is certainly one awful good game loser!" + +"Game loser nothing!" I says. "He's just a game winner. Any time you see +that old boy acting game he's won. And he's won now, no matter how much +the known facts look against it. I don't know how, but he's won." + +They all begin to tell me I must be mistaken, because look at the price +we got for stuff we hadn't been able to sell at any price before. I says +I am looking at that, but I'm also obliged to look at Safety after he's +paid that price, and the laws of Nature certainly ain't been suspended +all at once. I offer to bet 'em what they've made on the deal that Safety +has run true to form. "Mark my words," I says, "this is one sad day for +the Arrowhead! I don't know how or why, but we'll soon find out; and if +you don't believe me, now's the time to double your money." + +But they hung off on that. They got too much respect for my judgment. And +they admitted that Safety's way of standing the gaff had been downright +uncanny. So there was nothing to do but pay over their share of this +tainted money and wait for the blow, eight hundred and seventy-five +dollars being the amount I split with 'em for their masterly headwork +in the depredation. + +That very day in the mail comes a letter that has been delayed because +this here Government of ours pinches a penny even worse than old Timmins +does. Yes, sir; this letter had been mailed at Seattle with a two-cent +stamp the day after the Government had boosted the price to three cents. +And what does the Government do? Does it say: "Oh, send it along! Why +pinch pennies?" Not at all. It takes a printed card and a printed +envelope and the time of a clerk and an R.F.D. mail carrier to send me +word that I must forward one cent if I want this letter--spends at least +two cents to get one cent. Well, it takes two days for that notice to +reach me; and of course I let it lie round a couple of days, thinking +it's probably an advertisement; and then two days for my one-cent stamp +to go back to this parsimonious postmaster; and two days for the letter +to get here; making about eight days, during which things had happened +that I should of known about. Yes, sir; it's a great Government that will +worry over one cent and then meet one of these smooth profiteers and +loosen up on a million dollars like a cowhand with three months' pay +hitting a wet town. Of course it was all over when I read this letter. + + * * * * * + +I rolled another cigarette for the injured woman it being no time for +words. + +"It just goes to show," she observed after the first relishing draft, +"that we should be honest, even with defectives like old Timmins. This +man in Seattle that keeps track of prices for me writes that the top of +the mule market has blown sky-high; that if I got anything looking at all +like a mule not to let it go off the place for less than two hundred +dollars, because mule buyers is sure desperate. Safety must of got the +same tip, only you can bet his correspondent put the full three cents +on the letter. Safety would never have trusted a strange postmaster with +the excess. Anyway he sold that bunch of rabbits a week later for one +hundred and seventy-five a head, thus adding twenty-two hundred and fifty +dollars of my money to his tainted fortune. You can imagine the pins and +needles he'd been on for a week, scared I'd get the tip and knowing if he +even mentioned them runts at any price whatever that I'd be wise at once. +That joke of the boys must of seemed heaven-sent to him. + +"You ought to heard the lecture I read them fool punchers on common +honesty and how the biter is always bit. I scared 'em good; there hasn't +been an elephant on the place since that day. They're a chastened lot, +all right. I was chastened myself. I admit it. I don't hardly believe +I'll ever attempt anything crooked on old Safety again---and yet, I don't +know." + +The lady viciously expelled the last smoke from her cigarette and again +took up the knitting. + +"I don't really know but if there was some wanton, duplicity come up that +I could handle myself and not have to leave to that pack of amateur +thieves out in the bunk house, and it was dead sure and I didn't risk +doing more than two years' penal servitude--yes, I really don't know. +Even now mebbe all ain't over between us." + + + + +II + +A LOVE STORY + +I had for some time been noting a slight theatrical tinge to the +periodical literature supported by the big table in the Arrowhead living +room. Chiefly the table's burden is composed of trade journals of the +sober quality of the _Stockbreeder's Gazette_ or _Mine, Quarry & Derrick_ +or the "Farmer's Almanac." But if, for example, one really tired of a +vivacious column headed "Chats on Fertilizers" one could, by shuffling +the litter, come upon a less sordid magazine frankly abandoned to the +interests of the screen drama. + +The one I best recall has limned upon its cover in acceptable flesh tints +a fair young face of flawless beauty framed in a mass of curling golden +ringlets. The dewy eyes, shaded to mystery by lashes of uncommon length, +flash a wistful appeal that is faintly belied by the half-smiling lips +and the dimpling chin. The contours are delicate yet firm; a face of +haunting appeal--a face in which tears can be seldom but the sprightly +rain of April, and the smile, when it melts the sensitive lips, will yet +warn that hearts are made to ache and here is one not all too merry in +its gladness. It is the face of one of our famous screen beauties, and we +know, even from this tinted half-tone, that the fame has been deserved. + +On one of those tired Arrowhead nights, inwardly debating the possible +discourtesy of an early bedding after ten wet miles of trout stream, I +came again and again to this compelling face of the sad smile and the +glad tears. It recalled an ideal feminine head much looked at in my +nonage. It was lithographed mostly in pink and was labeled "Tempest and +Sunshine." So I loitered by the big table, dreaming upon the poignant +perfections of this idol of a strange new art. I dreamed until awakened +by the bustling return of my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill, who +paused beside me to build an after-dinner cigarette, herself glancing +meantime at the flawless face on the magazine cover. I perceived +instantly that she also had been caught by its not too elusive charm. + +"A beautiful face," I said. + +Ma Pettengill took the magazine from me and studied the dainty thing. + +"Yes, he's certainly beautiful," she assented. "He's as handsome as a +Greek goddess." Thus did the woman ambiguously praise that famous screen +star, J. Harold Armytage. "And the money he makes! His salary is one of +them you see compared with the President's so as to make the latter seem +a mere trifle. That's a funny thing. I bet at least eighteen million +grown people in this country never did know how much they was paying +their president till they saw it quoted beside some movie star's salary +in a piece that tells how he's getting about four times what we pay the +man in the White House. Ain't it a great business, though! Here's this +horrible male beauty that would have to be mighty careful to escape +extermination if he was anything but an actor. Being that, however, he +not only eludes the vengeance of a sickened populace, but he can come +out and be raw about it. Here, let me show you." + +She turned to the page where J. Harold Armytage began to print a choice +few of the letters he daily received from admirers of the reputedly +frailer sex. She now read me one of these with lamentable efforts of +voice to satirize its wooing note: "My darling! I saw that dear face of +yours again to-night in All For Love! So noble and manly you were in the +sawmill scene where first you turn upon the scoundrelly millionaire +father of the girl you love, then save him from the dynamite bomb of the +strikers at the risk of your own. Oh, my dearest! Something tells me your +heart is as pure and sweet as your acting, that your dear face could not +mask an evil thought. Oh, my man of all the world! If only you and I +together might--" + +It seemed enough. Ma Pettengill thought so too. The others were not +unlike it. The woman then read me a few of the replies of J. Harold +Armytage to his unknown worshippers. The famous star was invariably +modest and dignified in these. Tactfully, as a gentleman must in any +magazine of wide circulation, he deprecated the worship of these adoring +ones and kindly sought to persuade them that he was but a man--not a god, +even if he did chance to receive one of the largest salaries in the +business. The rogue! No god--with the glorious lines of his face there +on the cover to controvert this awkward disclaimer! His beauty flaunted +to famished hearts, what avail to protest weakly that they should put +away his image or even to hint, as now and again he was stern enough to +do, that their frankness bordered on the unmaidenly? + +I called Ma Pettengill's attention to this engaging modesty. I said it +must be an affair of some delicacy to rebuff ardent and not too reticent +fair ones in a public print, and that I considered J. Harold Armytage to +have come out of it with a display of taste that could be called unusual. +The woman replied, with her occasional irrelevance, that if the parties +that hired him should read this stuff they probably wouldn't even then +take him out on the lot and have him bitterly kicked by a succession of +ten large labouring men who would take kindly to the task. She then once +more said that the movies was sure one great business, and turned in the +magazine to pleasanter pages on which one Vida Sommers, also a screen +idol, it seemed, gave warning and advice to young girls who contemplated +a moving-picture career. + +Portraits of Vida Sommers in her best-known roles embellished these +pages. In all of the portraits she wept. In some the tears were visible; +in others they had to be guessed, the face being drawn by anguish. Her +feminine correspondents wished particularly to be told of the snares +and temptations besetting the path of the young girl who enters this +perilous career. Many of them seemed rather vague except upon this point. +They all seemed to be sure that snares and temptations would await them, +and would Vida Sommers please say how these could be avoided by young and +impressionable girls of good figure and appearance who were now waiting +on table at the American House in Centralia, Illinois, or accepting +temporary employment in mercantile establishments in Chicago, or merely +living at home in Zanesville, Ohio, amid conditions unbearably cramping +to their aspirations? + +And Vida Sommers told every one of them not to consider the pictures but +as a final refuge from penury. She warned them that they would find the +life one of hard work and full of disappointments. It seemed that even +the snares and temptations were disappointing, being more easily evaded +than many of her correspondents appeared to suspect. She advised them all +to marry some good, true man and make a home for him. And surely none of +them could have believed the life to be a joyous one after studying these +sorrowful portraits of Vida Sommers. + +"That's my little actress friend," said Ma Pettengill. "Doesn't she cry +something grand!" + +"You've been cheating me," I answered. "I never knew you had a little +actress friend. How did you get her? And doesn't she ever play anything +cheerful?" + +"Of course not! She only plays mothers, and you know what that means in +moving pictures. Ever see a moving-picture mother that had a chance to be +happy for more than the first ten feet of film? You certainly got to cry +to hold down that job. Ain't she always jolted quick in the first reel by +the husband getting all ruined up in Wall Street, or the child getting +stole, or the daughter that's just budding into womanhood running off +with a polished shoe-drummer with city ways, or the only son robbing a +bank, or husband taking up with a lady adventuress that lives across the +hall in the same flat and outdresses mother? + +"Then it's one jolt after another for her till the last ten feet of the +last reel, when everything comes right somewhere on a ranch out in the +great clean West where husband or son has got to be a man again by +mingling with the honest-hearted drunken cowboys in their barroom +frolics, or where daughter has won back her womanhood and made a name for +herself by dancing the Nature dance in the Red Eye Saloon for rough but +tender-hearted miners that shower their gold on her when stewed. Only, in +this glad time of the last ten feet she still has to cry a-plenty because +the clouds have passed and she's Oh, so happy at last! Yes, sir; they +get mother going and coming. And when she ain't weeping she has to be +scared or mad or something that keeps her face busy. Here--I got some +programmes of new pieces Vida just sent me. You can see she's a great +actress; look at that one: 'Why Did You Make My Mamma Cry?' And these +other two." + +I looked and believed. The dramas were variously and pithily described +as The Picture with the Punch Powerful--The Smashing Five-Reel +Masterpiece--A Play of Peculiar Problems and Tense Situations--Six +Gripping Reels, 7,000 Feet and Every Foot a Punch! Vida Sommers, in +the scenes reproduced from these plays, had indeed a busy face. In the +picture captioned "Why Did You Make My Mamma Cry?" the tiny golden-haired +girl is reproaching her father in evening dress. I read the opening lines +of the synopsis: "A young business man, who has been made successful +through his wife's money, is led to neglect her through pressure of +affairs, falls into the toils of a dancer in a public place and becomes +a victim of her habit, that of drinking perfume in her tea--" + +But I had not the heart to follow this tragedy. In another, "The Woman +Pays--Powerful and Picturesque, a Virile Masterpiece of Red-Blooded +Hearts," Vida Sommers is powerfully hating her husband whom she has +confronted in the den of a sneering and superbly gowned adventuress +who declares that the husband must choose between them. Of course there +can be no doubt about the husband's choice. No sane movie actor would +hesitate a second. The caption says of Vida Sommers: "Her Love Has Turned +to Hate." It may be good acting, but it would never get her chosen by the +male of her species--the adventuress being what is known in some circles +as a pippin. + +I studied still another of these documents--"Hearts Asunder." Vida +Sommers has sent her beautiful daughter to the spring for a pail of +water, though everyone in the audience must know that Gordon Balch, the +detestable villain, is lurking outside for precisely this to occur. The +synopsis beautiful says: "The mother now goes in search of her darling, +only to find her struggling in the grasp of Gordon Balch, who is trying +to force his attentions on her." This is where Vida Sommers has to look +frightened, though in a later picture one sees that her fright changed +to "A Mother's Honest Rage." The result is that Gordon Balch gets his, +and gets it good. The line under his last appearance is "The End of a +Misspent Life." Vida Sommers here registers pity. As Ma Pettengill had +said, her face seemed never to have a moment's rest. + +While I studied these exhibits my hostess had not been silent upon the +merits of her little actress friend. Slowly she made me curious as to the +origin and inner life of this valued member of an exalted profession. + +"Yes, sir; there she is at the top, drawing down big money, with a +nice vine-clad home in this film town, furnished from a page in a +woman's magazine, with a big black limousine like a hearse--all but +the plumes--and a husband that she worships the ground he walks on. +Everything the heart can desire, even to being mother to some of the +very saddest persons ever seen on a screen. It shows what genius will +do for a woman when she finds out what kind of genius she's got and is +further goaded by the necessity of supporting a husband in the style to +which he has been accustomed by a doting father. She's some person now, +let me tell you. + +"She spent a week with me in Red Gap last fall, and you'd ought to seen +how certain parties kowtowed to me so they'd get to meet her. I found +that about every woman under fifty in our town is sure she was born for +this here picture work, from Henrietta Templeton Price to Beryl Mae +Macomber, who's expecting any day to be snapped up by some shrewd manager +that her type is bound to appeal to, she being a fair young thing with +big eyes and lots of teeth, like all film actresses. Metta Bigler, +that teaches oil painting and burnt wood, give Vida a reception in her +Bohemian studio in Red Gap's Latin Quarter--the studio having a chain +of Chianti bottles on the wall and an ash tray with five burnt cigarette +ends on a taboret to make it look Bohemian--and that was sure the biggest +thrill our town has had since the Gus Levy All Star Shamrock Vaudeville +Company stranded there five years ago. It just shows how important my +little actress friend is--and look what she come up from!" + +I said I wouldn't mind looking what she come up from if she had started +low enough to make it exciting. + +Ma Pettengill said she had that! She had come up from the gutter. She +said that Vida Sommers, the idol of thousands, had been "a mere daughter +of the people." Her eyes crinkled as she uttered this phrase. So I chose +a chair in the shadow while she built a second cigarette. + +Ten years ago I'm taking a vacation down in New York City. Along comes a +letter from Aunt Esther Colborn, of Fredonia, who is a kind of a third +cousin of mine about twice removed. Says her niece, Vida, has had a good +city job as cashier of a dairy lunch in Boston, which is across the river +from some college, but has thrown this job to the winds to marry the only +college son of a rich New York magnate or Wall Street crook who has cast +the boy off for contracting this low alliance with a daughter of the +people. Aunt Esther is now afraid Vida isn't right happy and wants I +should look her up and find out. It didn't sound too good, but I obliged. + +I go to the address in Sixty-seventh Street on the West Side and find +that Vida is keeping a boarding house. But I was ready to cheer Aunt +Esther with a telegram one second after she opened the door on me--in +a big blue apron and a dustcap on her hair. She was the happiest young +woman I ever did see--shining it out every which way. A very attractive +girl about twenty-five, with a slim figure and one of these faces that +ain't exactly of howling beauty in any one feature, but that sure get +you when they're sunned up with joy like this one was. + +She was pleased to death when I told her my name, and of course I must +come in and stay for dinner so I could see all her boarders that was like +one big family and, above all, meet her darling husband Clyde when he got +home from business. The cheeriest thing she was, and I adore to meet +people that are cheery, so I said nothing would please me better. She +took me up to her little bedroom to lay my things off and then down to +the parlour where she said I must rest and excuse her because she still +had a few little things to supervise. She did have too. In the next hour +and a half she run up and down two flights of stairs at least ten times. +I could hear her sweeping overhead and jamming things round on the stove +when she raced down to the kitchen. Yes, she had several little things to +supervise and one girl to help her. I peeked into the kitchen once while +I was wandering through the lower rooms, and she seemed to be showing +this girl how to boil potatoes. I wondered if she never run down and if +her happy look was really chronic or mebbe put on for my benefit. Still, +I could hear her singing to herself and she moved like a happy person. + +In looking round the parlour I was greeted on every wall by pictures +of a charming youth I guessed was darling Clyde. A fine young face he +had, and looked as happy as Vida herself. There was pictures of him +with a tennis racket and on a sailboat and with a mandolin and standing +up with his college glee club and setting on a high-powered horse and +so forth, all showing he must be a great social favourite and one born +to have a good time. I wondered how he'd come to confer himself on +the cashier of a quick-lunch place. I thought it must be one of these +romances. Then--I'm always remembering the foolishest things--I recalled +a funny little absent look in Vida's eyes when she spoke of her darling +coming home from business. I thought now it must of been pride; that he +was performing some low job in a factory or store while she run the +boarding house, and she didn't want me to know it. I thought he must +be a pretty fine rich man's son to stand the gaff this way when cast +off by his father for mixing up with a daughter of the people. + +It come dinnertime; about a dozen boarders straggling in, with Vida in +a pretty frock anxious because darling Clyde was ten minutes late and +of course something fatal must of happened to him in crossing a crowded +street. But nothing had. He showed up safe and sound and whistling in +another ten minutes, and became the life of the party. He looked near as +happy as Vida did when she embraced him out in the hall, a fine handsome +young fellow, the best-natured in the world, jollying the boarders and +jollying me and jollying Vida that he called Baby Girl, or Babe. I saw, +too, that I must of been mistaken about the job he was holding down. He +was dressed in a very expensive manner, with neat little gold trinkets +half concealed about him, the shirt and collar exactly right and the +silk socks carefully matching the lavender tie. + +He kept the table lively all through dinner with jokes and quips from the +latest musical comedies and anecdotes of his dear old college days, and +how that very afternoon he had won a silver cup and the pool championship +of his college club--and against a lot of corking good players, too, he +didn't mind saying. Also I noticed we was eating a mighty good dinner; so +darned good you didn't see how Vida could set it up at the price boarders +usually pay. + +After dinner Clyde sat down to the piano in the parlour and entertained +one and all with songs of a comic or sentimental character. He knew a +piano intimately, and his voice was one of these here melting tenors that +get right inside of you and nestle. He was about the most ingratiating +young man I'd ever met, and I didn't wonder any more about Vida's look +of joy being permanent. She'd look in on the party every once in a while +from the kitchen or the dining room where she was helping her Swede do +the dishes for fifteen people and set the table for breakfast. + +She was about an hour at this, and when at last she'd slipped out of her +big apron and joined us she was looking right tuckered but still joyous. +Clyde patted his Baby Girl's hand when she come in, and she let herself +go into an easy-chair near him that one of the boarders got up to give +her. I got the swift idea that this was the first time all day she'd set +down with any right feeling of rest. + +Then Clyde sung to her. You could tell it was a song he meant for her and +never sung till she'd got the work done up. A right pretty old song it +was, Clyde throwing all the loving warmth of his first-class tenor voice +into the words: + +Good night, good night, beloved! +I come to watch o'er thee, +To be near thee, to be near thee. + +I forget the rest, but there was happy tears in Vida's eyes when he +finished in one climbing tenor burst. Then Clyde gets up and says he +has an engagement down to his college club because some of his dear old +classmates has gathered there for a quiet little evening of reminiscence +and the jolly old rascals pretend they can't get along without him. Vida +beams on him brighter than ever and tells him to be sure and have a good +time, which I'd bet money he'd be sure to. + +It was a very pretty scene when they said good night. Vida pretended +that Clyde's voice was falling off from smoking too many cigarettes at +this club. "I wouldn't mind you're going there, but I just know you spend +most of the time in the club's horrid old smoking room!" She tells him +this with a pout. Smoking room of a club! The knowing little minx! And +Clyde chided her right back in a merry fashion. He lifted one of her +hands and said his Baby Girl would have to take better care of them +because the cunnun' little handies was getting all rough. Then they +both laughed and went out for a long embrace in the hall. + +Vida come back with a glowing countenance, and the boarders having +dropped off to their rooms when the life of the party went to his club +we had a nice chat. All about Clyde. She hoped I did like him, and I +frankly said he was about the most taking young brat I'd ever been close +to. She explained how their union had been a dream; that during their +entire married life of a year and a half he had never spoken one cross +word to her. She said I couldn't imagine his goodness of heart nor his +sunny disposition nor how much everyone admired him. But the tired thing +got so sleepy in ten minutes, even talking about her husband, that she +couldn't keep back the yawns, so I said I'd had a wonderful evening and +would have to go now. + +But up in the bedroom, while I'm putting my things on, she gets waked up +and goes more into detail about her happiness. I've never been able to +figure out why, but women will tell each other things in a bedroom that +they wouldn't dream of telling in any other room. Not that Vida went very +far. Just a few little points. Like how Clyde's father had cast him off +when they married and how she had felt herself that she was nothing but +a bad woman taking advantage of this youth, she being a whole year older +than he was; but Clyde had acted stunning in the matter, telling his +father he had chosen the better part. Also it turned out this father +hadn't cast him off from so much after all, because the old man went flat +broke in Wall Street a couple of months later, perishing of heart failure +right afterward, and about the only thing Clyde would of drawn from the +estate anyway was an old-fashioned watch of his grandfather's with a +chain made from his grandmother's hair when she was a bride. + +I gathered they had been right up against it at this time, except for +the two thousand dollars that had been left Vida by her Uncle Gideon +in the savings bank at Fredonia. Clyde, when she drew this out, wanted +they should go to Newport with it where they could lead a quiet life +for a couple of months while he looked about for a suitable opening +for himself. But Vida had been firm, even ugly, she said, on this point. +She'd took the two thousand and started a boarding house that would be +more like a home than a boarding house, though Clyde kept saying he'd +never be able to endure seeing the woman bearing his name reduced to such +ignoble straits. + +Still he had swallowed his foolish pride and been really very nice about +it after she got the business started. Now he was always telling her to +be sure and set a good table. He said if you were going to do a thing, +even if it was only keeping a boarding house, to do it well. That was his +motto--do it well or don't do it at all! So she was buying the best cuts +of meats and all fresh vegetables because of his strict ideas in this +matter, and it didn't look as if they'd ever really make a fortune at +it--to say nothing of there being more persons than I'd believe that had +hard luck and got behind in their payments, and of course one couldn't be +stern to the poor unfortunates. + +I listened to this chatter till it seemed about time to ask what business +Clyde had took up. It seemed that right at the moment he was disengaged. +It further seemed that he had been disengaged at most other moments since +he had stooped to this marriage with a daughter of the people. I mustn't +think it was the poor boy's fault, though. He was willing at all times +to accept a situation and sometimes would get so depressed that he'd +actually look for work. Twice he had found it, but it proved to be +something confining in an office where the hours were long and conditions +far from satisfactory. + +That's how she put it, with glowing eyes and flushed cheeks: "It +proved to be mere dull routine work not in the least suited to darling +Clyde's talents and the conditions were far from satisfactory. I had the +hardest time prevailing on him to give the nasty old places up and wait +patiently for a suitable opening. He was quite impatient with me when he +consented--but, of course, he's only a boy of twenty-four, a whole year +younger than I am. I tell him every day a suitable opening is bound to +occur very soon. You see, he had so many grand friends, people of the +right sort that are wealthy. I insist on his meeting them constantly. +Just think; only last week he spent Saturday and Sunday at one of the +biggest country houses on Long Island, and had such a good time. He's a +prime favourite with a lot of people like that and they're always having +him to dine or to the opera or to their balls and parties. I miss him +horribly, of course, and the poor dear misses me, but I tell him it will +surely lead to something. His old college chums all love him too--a boy +makes so many valuable friends in college, don't you think? A lot of them +try to put things in his way. I couldn't bear to have him accept a +situation unworthy of him--I know it would kill him. Why, he wilts like +a flower under the least depression." + +Well, I set and listened to a long string of this--and not a word for +me to say. What could any one of said? Wasn't it being told to me by +the happiest woman I ever set eyes on? Yes, sir; I'd never believe how +gentle natured the boy was. Why, that very morning, being worried about +something that went wrong with breakfast, which she had to turn out at +five A. M. to get started hadn't she clean forgot to change his studs to +a fresh shirt? And, to make it worse, hadn't she laid out a wrong color +of socks with his lavender tie? But had he been cross to her, as most men +would of been? Not for one second! He'd simply joked her about it when +she brought up his breakfast tray, just as he'd joked her to-night about +her hands getting rough from the kitchen work. And so forth and so forth! + +The poor thing had got so dead for sleep by this time that she was merely +babbling. She'd probably of fallen over in her clothes if I hadn't been +there. Anyway, I got her undressed and into bed. She said Clyde's +goodnight song always rung in her ears till she slept. It didn't ring +long this night. She was off before I got out the door. Darned if I +hadn't been kind of embarrassed by her talk, knowing it would never +do for me to bust in with anything bordering on the vicious, such as +suggesting that if Clyde now and then went into the kitchen and helped +Baby Girl with the dishes it would make a very attractive difference +in him. I took another good look at his pictures in the parlour before +I let myself out of the house. He still looked good--but hell! + +I wrote Aunt Esther the same evening not to worry one minute about Vida's +happiness, because I wished we could all be as happy as she was. All the +same I took pains to go round to that boarding house a couple times more +because it seemed like the girl's happiness might have a bum foundation. +Darling Clyde was as merry and attentive as ever and Vida was still +joyous. I guess she kept joyous at her work all day by looking forward to +that golden moment after dinner when her boy would sing Good night, good +night, beloved--he'd come to watch o'er her! How that song did light her +face up! + +She confided to me one of these times that the funny men are always +making jokes about how much it costs a woman for clothes, and she +wondered why they didn't make some of their old jokes about how much it +costs for men's clothes too. She said I wouldn't believe how much they +had to lay out on Clyde's clothes so he'd be sure to look right when a +suitable opening occurred. I could take the item of shirts alone that had +to be made to order and cost seven-fifty each, to say nothing of collars +and ties and suits from what Clyde said was the only tailor in New York +that could dress a gentleman so he looked like one. She said if these +funny humourists could see what they spent on her clothes and what they +had to spend on Clyde's, she bet they'd feel mighty cheap. She laughed +like she had a bully joke on the poor things. + +She was glad, too, for Clyde's sake that a suitable opening was just +about to occur any moment, because the poor chap said himself it was a +dog's life he was leading, with nothing much to do every day but go to +the club and set round. And how thankful she'd ought to be that he never +drank--the least bit of liquor made him ill--and so many young men of +his class nowadays drank to excess. + +No; nothing for me to say and nothing to do. Here was one happy love +match. So I come home, making Vida promise to write often. + +She did write about six times in the next three years. The chief fact +standing out was that the right opening for Clyde hadn't opened yet--and +he was getting more impatient every day. He always had something in view. +But I judged he was far-sighted. And some way when he had got his rope +over a job the hondoo wouldn't seem to render. He couldn't cinch +anything. He was as full of blandishment as ever, though, and not a one +of his staunch old friends had dropped him on account of his unfortunate +marriage. He was a great diner-out and spent lots of week-ends, and just +now was on a jolly houseboat in Florida for three months with an old +college mate worth nine million dollars, and wasn't that nice! She could +just see him keeping the whole party gay with his mandolin and his songs. +The summer before that this same friend had let Clyde have an elegant +motor car for his own use, and the foolish boy had actually took her out +in it one Sunday, there being a pongee motor coat in the car that fit her +beautifully so that none of his rich friends could have told she wasn't +dressed as smartly as they was. He not only kept her out all afternoon, +but would have took her to dinner some place only she had to get back to +the boarding house because you couldn't trust these raw Swedes. + +And there was one thing she was going to bring herself to confess to +me, no matter if it did sound disloyal--a dreadful thing about Clyde. +It was ugly of her to breathe a word against him, but she was greatly +worried and mebbe I could help her. The horrible truth was that her boy +was betraying an inclination to get fat, and he'd only laugh at her when +she warned him. Many a night her pillow had been wet with tears on this +account, and did I believe in any of these remedies for reducing? Wasn't +there something she could slip into his pudding that would keep him down +without his knowing it, because otherwise, though it was a thing no true +wife ought to say, her beloved would dig his grave with his teeth. + +I thought that was about enough and even ample. I started a hot answer to +this letter, saying that if darling Clyde was digging his grave with his +teeth it was her own fault because she was providing the spade and the +burial plot, and the quickest way to thin her darling down would be for +her to quit work. But shucks! Why insult the poor thing? I got back my +composure and wrote her a nice letter of sympathy in her hour of great +trouble. I didn't say at all that if I had been in her place Mr. Clyde +would of long since had my permission to go to the devil. Yes, sir; I'd +have had that lad going south early in the second year. Mebbe not at +that! A woman never really knows how some other man might of made a +fool of her. + +Two more years drug on, with about two letters from Vida, and then I +get a terrible one announcing the grand crash. First, the boarding house +had died a lingering death, what from Vida buying the best the market +afforded and not having learned to say "No!" to parties that got behind, +and Clyde having had to lend a couple hundred dollars to a fraternity +brother that was having a little hard luck. She'd run the business on a +narrow trail for the last two months, trying to guard every penny, but +it got so she and Clyde actually had to worry over his next club dues, +to say nothing of a new dress suit he was badly needing. Then some +parties she owed bills to come along and pushed her over the cliff by +taking her furniture. She was at first dreadfully worried about how her +boy would stand the blow, but he'd took it like the brave, staunch man +he was, being such a help to her when they had to move to a furnished +room near the old home where they both had been so happy. He'd fairly +made the place ring with his musical laughter and his merry jesting +about their hardships. + +Then she'd got a good job as cashier in a big grocery she'd dealt +with, not getting a million dollars a year, to be sure, but they were +doing nicely, because Clyde took most of his meals with his thoughtful +friends--and then crash out of a clear sky a horrible tragedy happened +that for a minute darkened the whole world. + +Yes, it was a bitter tragedy. Clyde's two-year-old dress suit, that +he was bravely wearing without a murmur, had needed pressing and she +promised to do it; but she overslept herself till seven-thirty that +morning, which made her late at the store, so she'd asked the girl in +this rooming house to do it down in the kitchen. The girl had been +willing but weak-minded. She started with too hot an iron and didn't +put a damp cloth between the iron and the goods. In the midst of the +job something boiled over on the stove. She got rattled and jumped for +that, and when she come back the dress coat of darling Clyde was branded +for fair in the middle of the back--a nifty flatiron brand that you could +of picked him out of a bunch of animals by in one second. The girl was +scared stiff and hung the clothes back in the closet without a word. And +poor Clyde discovered the outrage that night when he was dressing for a +class reunion of his dear old Alvah Mater. + +I had to read between the lines some, but I gathered that he now broke +down completely at this betrayal of his trusting nature. Vida must of +been suffering too keenly herself to write me all the pitiful details. +And right on top of this blow comes the horrible discovery, when he takes +his mandolin out of the case, that it has been fatally injured in the +moving. One blow right on another. How little we realize the suffering +that goes on all about us in this hard world. Imagine the agony in that +furnished room this night! + +Clyde wasn't made of iron. When the first flood of grief subsided he +seems to of got cold and desperate. Said Vida in this letter: "My heart +stopped when he suddenly declared in cool, terrible tones: 'There's +always the river!' I could see that he had resolved to end it all, and +through the night I pleaded with my boy." + +I bet she made mistakes as a grocer's cashier next day, but it was worth +it because her appeals to Clyde's better nature had prevailed. He did +disappear that day, getting his trunks from the house while she was at +the store and not being able to say good-bye because he couldn't remember +which store she was accepting a situation at. But he left her a nice +note. He wasn't going to end it all in the river. He was going off on the +private steamboat of one of his dearest friends for a trip round the +world that might last a year--and she mustn't worry about the silly old +dress coat, because his new dinner-jacket suit would be ample for a boat +trip. Also she'd be glad to know that he had a new mandolin, though she +wasn't to worry about the bill for it, because the man didn't expect his +pay on time and, anyway, he could wait, so with fondest love! + +And Vida was so relieved at this good fortune. To think that her +despondent boy was once more assured of his rightful position for a +whole year, while she was saving her princely wages till she got enough +to start another boarding house that would be more like a home. Wasn't +it all simply too good to be true--wasn't it always darkest just before +dawn! + +I didn't trust myself to answer that letter, beyond wiring her that if +she ever felt she was having any really hard luck to be sure and call on +me. And she went on working and putting her money by. It was two years +later when I next saw her. I looked her up the first thing when I got to +New York. + +She was still accepting a position in this grocery, but of course had +changed to a much smaller furnished room where she could be cozy and feed +herself from a gas stove on the simple plain foods that one just can't +seem to get at high-priced restaurants. + +She'd changed a lot. Lines in her face now, and streaks in her brown +hair, and she barely thirty. I made up my mind to do something harsh, +but couldn't just tell how to start. She'd had a picture card from her +boy the first year, showing the Bay of Naples and telling how he longed +for her; but six months later had come a despondent letter from Japan +speaking again of the river and saying he often felt like ending it +all. Only, he might drag out his existence a bit longer because another +wealthy old chum was in port and begging him to switch over to his yacht +and liven up the party, which was also going round the world--and maybe +he would, because "after all, does anything in life really matter?" + +That was the last line. I read it myself while Vida watched me, setting +on her little iron bed after work one night. She had a plain little room +with no windows but one in the roof, though very tastefully furnished +with photos of Clyde on every wall. The only other luxury she'd indulged +in was a three-dollar revolver because she was deathly afraid of +burglars. She'd also bought a hammer to shoot the revolver off with, +keeping 'em both on the stand at the head of her bed. Yes; she said that +was the way the man was firing it off in the advertisement--hitting it on +a certain spot with a hammer. She was a reckless little scoundrel. She +told me all about how to shoot a revolver while I was thinking up what +to say about Clyde. + +I finally said if he had ended it all she must cheer up, because it +might be for the best. She considered this sadly and said she didn't +believe dear Clyde had been prepared to die. I could see she was +remembering old things that had been taught her in Sabbath school about +God and wickedness and the bad place, so I cheered her on that point. I +told her they hadn't been burning people for about thirty years now, the +same not being considered smart any longer in the best religious circles. +I also tried in a delicate manner to convince her that her boy would +never end it all by any free act of his. I offered to bet her a large sum +of money on this at any odds she wanted--she could write her own ticket. +I said I knew men well enough to be certain that with this one it would +be a long life but a merry one. Gee! The idea of this four-carder hurting +himself! + +And I had to cheer her up on another point. This was that she didn't +have about three babies, all the image of their father. Yes, sir; she +was grieving sorely about that. It give me a new line on her. I saw +all at once she was mostly mother--a born one. Couldn't ever be anything +else and hadn't ever really felt anything but mothersome to this here +wandering treasure of hers. It give me kind of a shock. It made me +feel so queer I wanted to swear. + +Well, I wrastled with that mulish female seven straight days to make +her leave that twelve-hour job of hers and come out here with me. I tried +everything. I even told her what with long hours and bum food she was +making herself so old that her boy wouldn't give her a second look when +he got back. That rattled her. She took hold of her face and said that +massage cream would take all those silly lines out when she got time +to rub it in properly; and as for the gray in her hair, she could never +bring herself to use a dye, but if Clyde come back she might apply a +little of the magic remedy that restores the natural colour. She also +said in plain words that to come out here with me would look like +deserting her boy. Do you get that? + +"Dear Clyde is so sensitive," she says. "I couldn't bear the thought of +his coming back and finding that I had left our home." + +My work was cut for me, all right. I guess I'd failed if I hadn't been +helped by her getting a sick spell from worry over what the good God +would do to Clyde if he should end it all in some nasty old river, and +from the grocery being sold to a party that had his own cashier. But I +won, she being too sick to hunt another job just then. A least I got a +fair compromise. + +She wouldn't come here to live with me, but she remembered that Clyde had +often talked of Southern California, where he had once gone with genial +friends in a private car. He had said that some day when he had acquired +the means he would keep a home there. So she was willing to go there +herself and start a home for him. I saw it was the best I could get from +her, so I applauded. + +I says: "That's fine. You take this three hundred and eighty dollars you +got saved and I'll put a few dollars more with it and get you a little +country place down there where you can be out of doors all day and raise +oranges and chickens, and enough hogs for table use, and when the dear +boy comes back he'll be awful proud of you." + +"Oh, he always was that," says Vida. "But I'll go--and I'll always keep +a light in the window for him." + +And a lot of folks say women ought to vote! + +So we start for Los Angeles, deserting Clyde just as mean as dirt. Sure, +I went with her! I didn't trust her to finish the trip. As it was, she +wanted to get off the train twice before we got to Chicago--thinking +of the shock to her boy's tender heart if he should come back and find +himself deserted. + +But then, right after we left Chicago, she got interested. In the section +across from us was a fifty-five-year-old male grouch with a few gray +bristles on his head who had been snarling at everyone that come near +him ever since the train left New York. The porters and conductors had +got so they'd rush by him like they was afraid of getting bit on the arm. +He had a gray face that seemed like it had been gouged out of stone. It +was like one of these gargles you see on rare old churches in Europe. He +was just hating everyone in the world, not even playing himself a +favourite. And Vida had stood his growling as long as she could. Having +at last give up the notion of tracking back to New York, she plumped +herself down in the seat with this raging wild beast and begged for his +troubles. I looked to see her tore limb from limb, instead of which in +three minutes he was cooing to her in a rocky bass voice. His trouble +was lumbago or pleurisy or some misery that kept him every minute in +this pernickety state. + +That was all old mother Vida needed to know. She rustled a couple +hot-water bags and kept 'em on the ribs of this grouch for about two +thousand miles, to say nothing of doping him with asperin and quinine +and camphor and menthol and hot tea and soothing words. He was the only +son in sight, so he got it good. She simply has to mother something. + +The grouch got a little human himself the last day out and begun to +ask Vida questions about herself. Being one that will tell any person +anything at all, she told him her life history and how her plans was now +unsettled, but she hoped to make a home out on this coast. The grouch +come right out and asked her how big her roll was, saying he lived out +here and it cost something to make a home. Vida told him she had her two +years' savings of three hundred and eighty good dollars and that I had +promised to loan her a few dollars to piece out with. At this the old boy +looked me over carefully and could see no signs of vast wealth because I +never wear such in Pullman cars, so he warns her that I'll have to piece +out her savings with a few thousand instead of a few dollars if she's to +start anything worth keeping, because what they do to you in taxes down +there is a-plenty. + +After which he goes to sleep. + +Vida moves over and asks what I meant by saying I'd only have to put in a +few dollars when I must of known it would take a few thousand, and didn't +I realize that Clyde would be hurt to the quick if he come back and found +she hadn't been independent? She indignantly said she'd have to give up +the country place and work till she had enough to start another home for +paying guests. + +I was so mad at this truthful grouch for butting in on my game that +I up and told her flat she could never run a boarding house and make +it pay; that no woman could who hadn't learned to say "No!" and she was +too much of a mush-head for that. She was quite offended by this and says +firmness has always been considered a strong point in her personality. A +first-class palmist had told her this only two weeks before. While we are +squabbling back and forth the grouch wakes up again and says that he's in +the moving-picture business and will give her a good job in the wardrobe +department of the company he's with, so she must show up there at eight +o'clock the next morning. Just like that! He didn't ask her. He told her. + +Vida is kind of took off her feet, but mumbles "Yes, sir!" and puts his +card in her bag. Me? I was too mad to talk, seeing the girl get into the +mill again when I'd tried so hard to get her out. But I swore to myself +I'd stick round and try to get some sense into the cup-custard she called +her brain. + +So the next morning I took her out to this moving-picture joint that they +call a studio--not a bit like Metta Bigler's studio in Red Gap--and sure +enough here's the grouch ready to put Vida on a job. The job is in a room +about ninety feet long filled with boxes and sewing machines and shelves +full of costumes, and Vida is to be assistant wardrobe mistress. Yes, +sir; a regular title for the job. And the pay is twenty-five a week, +which is thirteen more than she'd ever dreamed of making before. The +grouch is very decent to her and tells everybody she's a friend of his, +and they all pay polite attention to him because he's someone important +in the works. It seems he's a director. He stands round and yells at the +actors how to act, which I had always supposed they knew already but it +seems not. Anyway, I left Vida there to get on to her new duties. + +She was full of good reports that night about how well she'd got along, +and how interesting the work was, and how she'd helped doctor up another +boy. She said he was one of the world's greatest actors, because if they +give him four or five stiff drinks first he would fall off a forty-foot +cliff backwards into the ocean. She'd helped bandage a sprained wrist for +him that he got by jumping out of a second-story window in a gripping +drama replete with punch and not landing quite right. + +I said to myself it must be a crazy joint and she'd soon give up and +let me get her a nice little place on the edge of town that I'd already +looked over. So I let her go three days more, but still she stuck +there with great enthusiasm. Then I had to be leaving for home, so the +afternoon of the fourth day I went out to see for myself how things +looked. + +Vida is tickled to see me and takes me right in where they're beginning +to act a gripping feature production. Old Bill Grouch is there in front +of a three-legged camera barking at the actors that are waiting round +in their disguises--with more paint on 'em than even a young girl will +use if her mother don't watch her. The grouch is very polite to Vida and +me and shows us where to stand so we won't get knocked over by other +actors that are carrying round furniture and electric light stands and +things. + +They got a parlour in a humble home where the first scene is to be. +There's a mother and a fair-haired boy of twenty and a cop that's come +to pinch him for a crime. The play at this point is that the mother has +to plead with the cop not to drag her boy off to a prison cell, and she +has to do it with streaming eyes. It was darned interesting. The boy is +standing with bowed head and the cop is looking sympathetic but firm, and +mother is putting something into her eyes out of a medicine dropper. I +whisper to Vida and she says it's glycerine for the tears. She holds her +head back when she puts 'em in and they run down her cheeks very lifelike +when she straightens up. + +So mother comes forward with her streaming face and they're all ready +to act when the grouch halts things and barks at the boy that he ain't +standing right. He goes up and shows him how to stand more shamefully. +But the tears on mother's face have dripped away and have to be renewed. +She was a nice, kind-appearing mother all right, but I noticed she looked +peeved when this delay happened. Vida explains that glycerine don't +damage the eyes really, but it makes 'em smart a lot, and this actress, +Miss St. Clair, has a right to feel mad over having to put in some more. + +But she does it, though with low muttering when the grouch calls "All +right, Miss St. Clair!" and is coming forward to act with this here +second batch of tears when the grouch stops it with another barking fit. +He barks at the policeman this time. He says the policeman must do more +acting. + +"You know you have a boy of your own," says he, "and how you'd hate to +have him arrested for this crime, but you're also remembering that law +is law and you're sworn to uphold it. Try to get that now. All ready, +Miss St. Clair--we're waiting for you, Miss St. Clair!" + +I'd watched this actress the second time her tears was spoiled and her +expression didn't fit a loving mother's face one bit. Her breath come as +in scenes of tense emotion, but she hotly muttered something that made +me think I must of misunderstood her, because no lady actress would say +it, let alone a kind old mother. However, she backs off and for the third +time has this medicine dropper worked on her smarting eyes. Once more +she comes forward with streaming eyes of motherly love, and I'm darned +if this grouch don't hold things up again. + +This time he's barking about a leather sofa against the far wall of the +humble home. He says it's an office sofa and where in something is the +red plush one that belongs to the set? He's barking dangerously at +everyone round him when all at once he's choked off something grand by +the weeping mother that has lost her third set of tears. She was wiping +glycerine off her face and saying things to the grouch that must of give +him a cold chill for a minute. I'm sometimes accused of doing things with +language myself, but never in my life have I talked so interestingly--at +least not before ladies. Not that I blamed her. + +Everyone kept still with horror till she run down; it seems it's a fierce +crime in that art to give a director what's coming to him. The policeman +and the erring son was so scared they just stood there acting their +parts and the grouch was frozen with his mouth half open. Probably he +hadn't believed it at first. Then all at once he smiled the loveliest +smile you ever seen on a human face and says in chilled tones: "That +will be all, Miss St. Clair! We will trouble you no further in this +production." His words sounded like cracking up a hunk of ice for the +cocktail shaker. Miss St. Clair then throws up her arms and rushes off, +shrieking to the limit of a bully voice. + +It was an exciting introduction for me to what they call the silent +drama. + +Then I looked at Vida and she was crying her eyes out. I guessed it was +from sympathy with the mother actress, but the grouch also stares at her +with his gimlet eyes and says: + +"Here, don't you waste any tears on her. That's all in the day's work." + +"I--wasn't thinking of her," sobs Vida. + +"Then what you crying for?" says he. + +"For that poor dear boy that's being dragged from his mother to prison +for some childish prank," she blubbers. + +Me, I laughed right out at the little fool, but the director didn't +laugh. + +"Well, I'll be damned!" says he in low, reverent tones. + +Then he begins to look into her face like he'd lost something there. Then +he backed off and looked into it a minute more. Then he went crazy all +over the place. + +"Here," he barks at another actress, "get this woman into your dressing +room and get the number five on her quick. Make her up for this part, +understand? You there, Eddie, run get that calico skirt and black-satin +waist off Miss St. Clair and hustle 'em over to Miss Harcourt's room, +where this lady will be making up. Come on now! Move! Work quick! We +can't be on this scene all day." + +Then, when everybody run off, he set down on the red plush sofa that was +now in place, relighted a cigar that smelled like it had gone out three +days before, and grinned at me in an excited manner. + +"Your little friend is a find," he says. "Mark my words, Mrs. Pettijohn, +she's got a future or I don't know faces. She'll screen well, and she's +one of the few that can turn on the tears when she wants to. I always +did hate glycerine in this art. Now if only I can get her camera +wise--and I'll bet I can! Lucky we'd just started on this piece when St. +Clair blew up. Only one little retake, where she's happy over her boy's +promotion in the factory. She's bound to get away with that; then if she +can get the water again for this scene it will be all over but signing +her contract." + +I was some excited myself by this time, you'd better believe. Nervous as +a cat I found myself when Vida was led out in the sad mother's costume by +this other actress that had made her up. But Vida wasn't nervous the +least bit. She was gayly babbling that she'd always wanted to act, and +once she had played a real part in a piece they put on at Odd Fellows' +Hall in Fredonia, and she had done so well that even the Methodist +minister said she was as good as the actress he saw in Lawrence Barrett's +company before he was saved; and he had hoped she wouldn't be led away by +her success and go on the real stage, because he could not regard it as a +safe pursuit for young persons of her sex, owing to there being so little +home life--and now what did she do first? + +This director had got very cold and businesslike once more. + +"Stop talking first," says he. "Don't let me hear another word from you. +And listen hard. You're sitting in your humble home sewing a button on +your boy's coat. He's your only joy in life. There's the coat and the +button half sewed on with the needle and thread sticking in it. Sit down +and sew that button on as if you were doing it for your own son. No +pretending, mind you. Sew it on as if--" + +He hesitated a minute and got a first-class inspiration. + +"Sew it on as if it was a button on your husband's coat that you told me +about. Every two or three stitches look up to show us how happy you are. +When you get it sewed, take the coat up this way and hug it. You look +still happier at that. Then you walk over to the mantel, pick up the +photograph of your boy that's there by that china dog and kiss it. I +won't tell you how to do that. Remember who he is and do it your own +way, only let us see your face. Then put back the picture slowly, go get +the coat, and start to the left as if you were going to hang it up in his +room; but you hear steps on the stair outside and you know your boy has +come home from work. We see that because your face lights up. Stand happy +there till he comes in. + +"You expect him to rush over to you as usual, but he's cast down; +something has happened. You get a shock of fright. Walk over to +him--slow; you're scared. Get your arms round him. He stiffens at +first, then leans on you. He's crying himself now, but you ain't--not +yet. You're brave because you don't know about this fight he's had with +the foreman that's after your boy's sweetheart for no good purpose. + +"Now go through it that far and see if you remember everything I told +you. When we get down to the crying scene after the officer comes on, +I'll rehearse you in that too, only for God's sake don't cry in the +rehearsal! You'll go dry. Now then! Coat--button--sewing. Goon!" + +Well, sir, I stood there trembling like a leaf while she went through +what he'd told her like she'd been at it all her life--or rather like it +was her dear Clyde's coat and her dear Clyde's photo and her dear Clyde +that come in the door. Then he rehearsed her in the end of the scene +where the cop comes on, and she got that, too, though alarming him +because she couldn't even rehearse it without crying. I could see this +director was nervous himself by this time, thinking she was too good to +be true. But he got her into the chair sewing again, all ready for the +real work. + +"Remember only three things," he says: "Don't look at this machine, move +slowly when you move at all, and don't try to act. Now then! Camera!" + +It was a historic occasion, all right. The lad at the camera begun to +turn a crank and Vida begun to act like she wasn't acting at all. The +director just give her a low word when she had to move. He didn't bark +now. And say, that crying scene! Darned if I didn't near cry myself +looking at her, and I heard this stonefaced director breathing mighty +short when she had to stand there with her hands clenched and watch +her boy go out the door with this cop. + +Vida was too excited to sleep that night. She said the director had +advised her privately not to make a contract just yet, because she would +get better terms when she'd showed 'em what she could really do. For +this picture she would get paid seventy-five dollars a week. A week, mind +you, to a girl that had been thinking herself lucky to get twelve in New +York. + +She was very let down and happy, and cried a little bit out of working +hours for me because it was all so wonderful, and her drowned boy might +be resting on some river bottom at that very moment. I said it was a safe +bet he was resting, wherever he was; but she didn't get it and I didn't +say it twice. + +And such was the beginning of Vida Sommers' glittering sob career in +the movies. She's never had but one failure and they turned that into a +success. It seems they tried her in one of these "Should a Wife Forgive?" +pieces in which the wife did not forgive, for a wonder, and she made a +horrible mess of it. She was fine in the suffering part, of course, only +when it come to not forgiving at the end--well, she just didn't know how +to not forgive. They worked with her one whole day, then had to change +the ending. She's said to be very noble and womanly in it. + +I went home next day, leaving her in pursuit of her art. But I got +glowing letters from her about every week, she doing new pictures and her +salary jumping because other film parties was naturally after so good +a weeper. And the next year I run down to see her. She was a changed +woman all right. She had a home or bungalow, a car, a fashionable dog, a +Jap cook, a maid and real gowns for the first time in her life. But the +changes was all outside. She was still the same Vida that wanted to +mother every male human on earth. She never seemed to worry about girls +and women; her idea is that they're able to look out for themselves, but +that men are babies needing a mother's protection as long as they live. + +And of course one of these men she had mothered down there had took a +base advantage of her--this same ugly old grouch of a director. She +locked the bedroom door and told me about it in horrified whispers the +first night I got there. She said it might of been her fault, that he +might of misunderstood something she had said about Clyde. And anyway +she'd ought to of remembered that some men are beasts at heart. + +Anyway, this infamous brute had come to the house one night and insulted +her in the grossest manner, and it was all true about moving-picture +directors having designs on unprotected females that work for 'em. +Yielding to his lowest brute instincts he had thrown decency to the winds +and made her such an evil proposition that she could hardly bear to put +it in words. But she did. It seems that the scoundrel had listened to +some studio gossip to the effect that she had divorced the husband who +deserted her, and so he come right out and said he had been deeply in +love with her ever since that first day on the train, and now that she +was free, would she marry him? + +Of course she was insulted to the limit and told him so in what would +probably of made a gripping scene of a good woman spurning the advances +of a moral leper. She overwhelmed him with scorn and horror for his foul +words. How dared he say her Clyde had deserted her, or think she would +ever divorce him! That showed, what a vile mind he must have. She said he +got awful meek and apologetic when he learned that she still clung to the +memory of Clyde, who would one day fight his way back to her if he hadn't +ended it all. She told him fully what a perfect man Clyde was, and she +said at last the ugly old wretch just grinned weakly at her in a very +painful way, like it hurt him, and said: "Oh, my dearest, you must try to +forgive me. I didn't know--I didn't know half the truth." Then he patted +her hand and patted her cheek and choked up and swallowed a couple of +times, and says he: + +"I was an old man dreaming and dreams make fools of old men!" + +Then he swallowed again and stumbled out through her garden where the +orange blossoms had just come. She said he'd never been offensive since +that time, barking as nasty to her as to any of the others when she was +acting, so that no one would dream what a foul heart he had, except that +he always kept a bunch of white roses in her dressing room. But she +hadn't cared to make him trouble about that because maybe he was +honestly trying to lead a better life. + +Some entertainment Vida give me, telling this, setting on her bed under a +light that showed up more lines than ever in her face. She was looking +close to forty now--I guess them crying scenes had told on her, and her +yearning for the lost Clyde--anyway she was the last woman on earth could +of got herself insulted even if she had tried her prettiest, only she +didn't know that. And she'd had her little thrill. We've all dreamed of +how we'd some day turn down some impossible party who was overcome by our +mere beauty. + +I said I'd always known this director was an unspeakable scoundrel, +because he insisted on calling me Mrs. Pettijohn. + +Then we had a nice talk about Clyde. She'd had no word for a year now, +the last being a picture card saying he would spend the winter in Egypt +with some well-known capitalists that wouldn't take no for an answer. +And did I believe he might now be wandering over the face of the earth, +sick and worn, and trying to get back to her; didn't I think some day he +would drag himself to her door, a mere wreck of his former self, to be +soothed at last on her breast? That was why she kept a light burning in +the front window of this here bungalow. He would know she had waited. + +Well, I'd never said a word against Clyde except in conversation with +myself, and I wasn't going to break out now. I did go so far as to hint +that an article that had come out about her in this same magazine might +draw Clyde back a little quicker than the light in the window. The +article said her salary was enormous. I thought its rays might carry. + +So I come home again and near a year later I get a telegram from Vida: +"Happy at last--my own has come home to me." I threw up my hands and +swore when I read this. The article had said her salary was seven hundred +and fifty dollars a week. + +The next winter I run down to see the happy couple. Vida was now looking +a good forty, but Clyde was actually looking younger than ever; not a +line nor a wrinkle to show how he had grieved for her, and not a sign of +writer's cramp from these three picture cards he had sent her in five +years. She'd been afraid he'd come back worn to the bone. + +But listen! By the time I got there Clyde was also drawing money. He'd +felt a little hurt at first to find his wife a common actress, and asked +to see her contract because you couldn't believe what you see in these +magazines. Then he'd gone round the lot and got to be an actor himself. +I gathered that he hadn't been well liked by the men at first, and two or +three other directors, when Vida insisted he should have a chance to act, +had put him into rough-house funny plays where he got thrown downstairs +or had bricks fall on him, or got beat up by a willing ex-prize fighter, +or a basket of eggs over his head, or custard pies in his perfect +features, with bruises and sprains and broken bones and so forth--I +believe the first week they broke everything but his contract. + +Anyway, when he begun to think he wasn't meant for this art, who steps in +but this same director that had made such a beast of himself with Vida? +He puts Clyde into a play in which Vida is the mother and Clyde is the +noble son that takes the crime on his shoulders to screen the brother of +the girl he loves, and it was an awful hit. Naturally Vida was never so +good before and Clyde proved to be another find. He can straighten up and +look nobler when he's wrongfully accused of a crime than any still actor +I ever see. He's got now to where they have to handle him with gloves +or he'd leave 'em flat and go with another company. Vida wrote me only +last week that they had a play for him where he's cast off on a desert +island with a beautiful but haughty heiress, and they have to live there +three months subsisting on edible foods which are found on all desert +islands. But Clyde had refused the part because he would have to grow +whiskers in this three months. He said he had to think of his public, +which would resent this hideous desecration. He thought up a bully way +to get out of it. He said he'd let the whiskers grow for a few scenes and +then find a case of safety razors washed ashore, so he could shave +himself just before the haughty millionaire's daughter confessed that she +had loved him from the first and the excursion steamer come up to rescue +'em. I believe he now admits frankly that he wrote most of the play, or +at least wrote the punch into it. A very happy couple they are, Clyde +having only one vice, which is candy that threatens his waistline. Vida +keeps a sharp watch on him, but he bribes people to sneak chocolate +creams into his dressing room. The last night I was there he sung +"Good-night, Good-night, Beloved!" so well that I choked up myself. + +Of course women are crazy about him; but that don't bother Vida a little +bit. She never wanted a husband anyway--only a son. And Clyde must have +had something wake up in his brain them years he was away. He had a queer +look in his eyes one night when he said to me--where Vida couldn't hear: +"Yes, other women have loved me, but she--she knows me and loves me!" +It's the only thing I ever heard him utter that would show he might be +above a pet kitten in intellect. + +And, of course, these letters he gets don't mean anything in his life but +advertising--Oh, yes! I forgot to tell you that his stage name is J. +Harold Armytage. He thought it up himself. And the letters coming in +by the bushel really make Vida proud. In her heart she's sorry for the +poor fools because they can't have as much of dear Clyde as she has. She +says she's never deserved her present happiness. I never know whether I +agree with her or not. + +She's a queer one. Darned if she don't make a person think +sometimes--listening to her chatter--that there must be something +kind of decent about human nature after all! + + + + +III + +RED GAP AND THE BIG-LEAGUE STUFF + + +I waited beside Ma Pettengill at the open door of the Arrowhead ranch +house. It was a moment of tranquil expectancy; presently we would be +summoned to the evening meal. Down by the barn a tired janizary pumped +water into a trough for two tired mules still in harness. Halfway down +the lane, before a mirror tacked to the wall beside the bunk-house door, +two men hurriedly combed their damp hair. Blackbirds were still noisy in +the poplars. In the field at our left a lazy lot of white-faced cattle, +large and placid, lolled or grazed on the new spring grass. + +Surveying these cattle with a fond eye--had she not that day refused all +of three hundred and twenty-five dollars a head for a score of these +pure-bred cows?--my hostess read me a brief lecture on the superior +fleshing disposition of the Hereford. No better rustler under range +conditions, said she, accumulating flesh at all ages, storing it in +seasons of plenty to draw on in seasons of want. Hadn't I noticed how +common cows got paunchy and how well the fat was distributed on the +pure-breds? + +I had not noticed, cows being more or less cows to me, but I was prepared +to look with deep respect upon any cow for which three hundred and +twenty-five dollars could be sanely refused, and I now did so. I was +told that I forgot their calves, which would be worth a hundred and sixty +dollars the day they were weaned. This made it all more impressive. I +looked respectfully again at the bulky creatures, though listening, too, +for the stealthy-stepping Lew Wee; a day in the thin spring air along a +rocky trout stream had made even cattle on the hoof suggestive. + +Ma Pettengill, with a last proud look at her jewels, swept the panoramic +camera of her eye round to the blacksmith shop on our right. Before it +were strewn the mutilated remains of four wood wagons. I had lately heard +the lady have words with Abner, the blacksmith, concerning repairs to +these. Abner himself had few of the words. They were almost entirely his +employer's. They were acutely to the effect that these here wagons would +be running again before the week was out or she would know the reason +why. The aggrieved Abner had tried to suggest that this reason she would +know would not be the right reason at all, because wasn't he already +working like a beaver? Possibly, said the lady. And beavers might be all +right in their place. What she needed at this precise time was someone +working like a blacksmith--someone! + +Over her shoulder she had flung the word at him, blackened with emphasis. + +"Any one hurt in the runaway?" I asked, observing her glance to linger +upon this snarl of wagon parts. + +"Four wagons was mortally hurt," said the lady, "but of course not a +mule skinner touched. Talk about charmed lives! Besides, they wasn't +accidents; they was just incidents. It was part of our winter sports." + +"I didn't know you had winter sports up here." + +"I didn't either till I got down to Red Gap last winter and found out +that was what we had been having. Here I been gritting along winter after +winter, calling it work, and come to find out it's what parties go a long +distance to indulge in and have to wear careful clothes for it. Yes, sir; +society is mad about it. Red Gap itself was mad about it last winter, +when it got a taste of the big-league stuff. Next winter I'll try to get +the real sporting spirit into this gang of sedentaries up here; buy 'em +uniforms and start a winter-sports club. Their ideal winter sport so far +is to calk up every chink in the bunk house, fill the air-tight stove +full of pitch pine and set down with a good book by Elinor Glyn. They +never been at all mad about romping out in the keen frosty air that sets +the blood tingling and brings back the roses to their wan cheeks. + +"Take last winter. Not knowing it was sport it seemed at times like +toil. First it snowed early and caught a lot of my cows and calves in +the mountains. While we sported round with these, working 'em down into +the valley, the weather changed. It snowed harder. Just oodles of the +most perfectly darling snow. Then distemper broke out among the saddle +horses. Then being already shorthanded, what does the fool vaquero boss +do but pick a splinter out of his thumb with a pin and get blood poison +enough to lay him off? Too much trouble for cussing. I tried that out +scientifically. So I had to get out and make a hand. If I heard someone +say I did as much as any three of these mollycoddles up here I'd just +simper in silence and look down. Only I wish I'd known it was a +fashionable winter sport. I'd of been more carefree. + +"Then come the best of our winter sports--wood hauling through the drifts +over a rocky road down the mountains. My lands, but it was jolly! On a +quiet day there'd be only one runaway, one wagon fetched to the shop in +sections, like a puzzle. Then another day all hands would seem to be +quite mad about the sport, and nothing but the skinners and the mules +would get back to camp that night--with the new outfit of harness and +the hoodlum wagon going back next morning to see what could be salvaged. + +"Finally we got the cows and calves home, got our wood in and started a +general rodeo for the dry stock--Nature's fleecy mantle getting thicker +every minute. And none of us ever suspecting that it was a sport only +the wealthy have a right to. If I'd suggested building an ice palace as +a sporty wind-up I'll bet the help wouldn't of took it right. Anyway, I +didn't. With everything under shelter or fence at last I fled down to Red +Gap, where I could lead a quiet life suitable to one of my years--where +I thought I could." + +From the doorway Lew Wee softly called, "You come now!" We both heard +him. Inside my hostess stealthily closed the door upon the gentle spring +night; closed and locked it. Furtively she next drew curtains over the +two windows. Then, candle in hand, she went lightly across the big living +room to a stern and businesslike safe that stands against the farther +wall. Kneeling before this she rapidly twirled the lock to a series of +mystic numbers and opened the formidable doors. + +"Leave us keep the home fires burning," said she impressively, and +withdrew from an exposed cavern a bottle of Scotch whisky. Standing +before the safe we drank chattily. We agreed that prohibition was a good +thing for the state of Washington. We said we were glad to deny ourselves +for the sake of those weaker natures lacking self-control, including Mr. +Bryan, whom the lady characterized as "just a water-spout." + +The bottle restored to security my hostess shut the thick doors upon it +and twirled the lock. Then she raised the curtains and reopened the door +to the innocent spring night, after which we sat to our meatless and +wheatless repast. In place of meat we sternly contented ourselves with +stewed chicken, certain of the Arrowhead fowls having refused to do their +bit in eggs and now paying the penalty in a crisis when something is +expected from everyone. In place of wheat we merely had corn muffins of a +very coaxing perfection. Even under these hardships I would patriotically +practice the gospel of the clean plate. + +As her exploring spoon wandered over the platter of half-submerged +chicken Ma Pettengill casually remarked that carefree Bohemians was +always the first to suffer under prohibition, and that you couldn't have +a really good Latin Quarter in a dry town. I let it go. I must always +permit her certain speeches of seeming irrelevance before she will +consent to tell me all. Thus a moment later as she lavished valuable +butter fat upon one of the spirituelle muffins she communicated the +further item that Cousin Egbert Floud still believed Bohemians was glass +blowers, he having seen a troupe of such at the World's Fair. He had, it +is true, known some section hands down on the narrow gauge that was also +Bohemians, but Bohemians of any class at all was glass blowers, and that +was an end of it. No use telling him different, once he gets an idea into +his poor old head. + +This, too, I let pass, overcome for the moment by the infatuating +qualities of the chicken stew. But when appetites, needlessly inflamed by +the lawless tippling, had at last been appeased and the lady had built +her first cigarette I betrayed a willingness to hear more of the hinted +connection between winter sports and Latin Quarters peopled by Bohemians, +glass-blowing or otherwise. The woman chuckled privately through the +first cigarette, adeptly fashioned another, removed to a rocking-chair +before the open fire and in a businesslike fervour seized a half-knitted +woollen sock, upon which she fell to work. + +She now remarked that there must be along the Front millions of sweaters +and wristlets and mufflers and dewdads that it looked well to knit in +public, so it seemed to be up to her to supply a few pairs of socks. She +said you naturally couldn't expect these here society dames that knitted +in theatres and hotel corridors to be knitting anything so ugly as socks, +even if they would know how to handle four needles, which they mostly +wouldn't; but someone had to do it. Without the slightest change of key +she added that it was a long story and painful in spots, but had a happy +ending, and she didn't know as she minded telling me. + +So I come down to Red Gap about December first hoping to hole up for +the winter and get thoroughly warmed through before spring. Little did +I know our growing metropolis was to be torn by dissension until you +didn't know who was speaking to who. And all because of a lady Bohemian +from Washington Square, New York City, who had crept into our midst +and started a Latin Quarter overnight. The first day I was downtown I +overheard two ladies saying something about the new Latin Quarter. That +mystified me, because I knew the town had been lidded tight since Lon +Price went out of office as mayor. Then I meet Mrs. Judge Ballard in the +Boston Cash Store and she says have I met a Miss Smith from New York who +is visiting here. I said I had not. It didn't sound exciting. Some way "a +Miss Smith" don't excite you overly, no matter where she hails from. So I +dismissed that and went on with my shopping. Next I meet Egbert Floud, +who is also down for the winter to rest beside a good coal stove, and we +ask each other what's the good word and is anything new. Cousin Egbert +says nothing is new in Red Gap except a Bohemian glass blower from +Grinitch Village, New York. He says he ain't seen her blow glass yet, +but he's going some night, because them Bohemian glass blowers down to +the fair was right fascinating, and don't I think Grinitch is a bum name +for a town? He says when I see this glass blower I'll feel like asking +animal, vegetable, or mineral, because he has seen her in the post office +with Metta Bigler and she looks like a nut. + +I tell the poor old zany he sounds simple-minded himself and I can't make +a lick of sense out of what he's said, except I know this village ain't +spelled that way. He's telling me that's the way it's spoken anyway, and +about how he brought home a glass watch chain that these Bohemians blowed +at the fair, when along come Metta Bigler herself and stops to shake +hands, so Cousin Egbert slinks off. + +I got to tell you about Metta. She's our artist; gives lessons in oil +painting and burnt wood and other refinements. People can take six +lessons off Metta and go home and burn all the Indian heads on leather +sofa pillows that you'd ever want to see. Also she can paint a pink fish +and a copper skillet and a watermelon with one slice cut out as good as +any one between here and Spokane. She's a perfectly good girl, falling on +thirty, refers to herself without a pang as a bachelor girl, and dresses +as quiet as even a school-teacher has to in a small town. + +Well, Metta rushes up to me now, all glowing and girlish, and says +I must come to her studio that very afternoon and meet her dear old +chum, Vernabelle Smith, that is visiting her from Washington Square, +New York. She and Vernabelle met when they were completing their art +education in the Latin Quarter of Chicago, and Vernabelle had gone down +to New York and got into all the new movements and among people who was +doing things, and was now very, very advanced being what you might call +an intellectual; but I would be sure to like her because she was so +delightfully Bohemian, not standing on ceremony but darting straight +to the heart of life, which is so complex to most of us who live within +convention's shell and never get in touch with the great throbbing centre +of things. She didn't say what things. It was a new line of chatter from +Metta. Usually she'd have been telling me her troubles with Chinese help, +or what a robber the Square Deal meat market was, or, at the most, how +her fruit-and-fish piece had carried off the first prize of twenty +dollars at the Kulanche County Fair. + +So I say I'll be sure to look in on her and her new friend. I reckoned +she must be the Miss Smith and the glass blower I'd already heard about +that morning. Of course "Miss Smith" didn't sound like much, but +Vernabelle Smith was different. That name Vernabelle made all the +difference in the world. You sort of forgot the ensuing Smith. + +That same afternoon about four P.M. I dropped round to the Bigler house. +Metta's mother let me in. She's a neat and precise old lady with careful +hair, but she looked scared as she let me in and led me to the door of +Metta's studio, which is a big room at the back of the house. She didn't +go in herself. She pulled it open and shut it on me quick, like it was a +lion's den or something. + +All the curtains was down, candles lighted, and the room not only hot but +full of cigarette smoke and smoke from about forty of these here punk +sticks that smoldered away on different perches. It had the smell of a +nice hot Chinese laundry on a busy winter's night. About eight or ten +people was huddled round the couch, parties I could hardly make out +through this gas attack, and everyone was gabbling. Metta come forward +to see who it was, then she pulled something up out of the group and said +"Meet dear Vernabelle." + +Well, she was about Metta's age, a short thirty, a kind of a slaty blonde +with bobbed hair--she'd been reached fore and aft--and dressed mostly in +a pale-blue smock and no stockings. Nothing but sandals. I could hardly +get my eyes off her feet at first. Very few of our justly famous sex can +afford to brave the public gaze without their stockings on. Vernabelle +could ill afford it. She was skinny, if you know what I mean, lots of +tendons and so forth, though I learned later that Vernabelle called it +being willowy. She had slaty-gray eyes and a pale, dramatic face with +long teeth and a dignified and powerful-looking nose. She was kind of +hungry-looking or soulful or something. And she wore about two yards of +crockery necklace that rattled when she moved. Sounded like that Chinaman +with his dishes out there in the kitchen. I learned later that this was +art jewellery. + +Vernabelle greeted me with many contortions like she was taking an +exercise and said she had heard so much about me and how interesting +it was to meet one who did things. I said I was merely in the cattle +business. She said "How perfect!" and clasped her hands in ecstasy over +the very idea. She said I was by way of being the ideal type for it. And +did I employ real cowboys; and they, too, must be fascinating, because +they did things. I said they did if watched; otherwise not. And did I +acquire an ascendancy over their rough natures. I said we quickly parted +forever if I didn't do that. Then she clanked across to the couch, where +she set down on her feet. I give her credit for that much judgment. That +girl never did just plain set down. It was either on one foot or on both +feet, or she draped herself along the furniture to show how willowy she +could be without its hurting. + +She now lighted a new cigarette from her old one and went on telling the +fish-faces about her how little colour she had found here. She said we +was by way of being a mere flat expanse in dull tints. But what could +be expected of a crude commercialism where the arts was by way of being +starved. Ah, it was so different from dear old Washington Square, where +one was by way of being at the heart of life. It took me some time to +get this by-way-of-being stuff, but the others was eating it up. Metta +Bigler hovered round proud as Lucifer and trying to smoke for the first +time in her life, though making poor work of it, like she was eating +the cigarette and every now and then finding bits she couldn't swallow, +and holding it off at arm's length in between bites. Mrs. Henrietta +Templeton Price was making better work of the cigarettes, and Beryl Mae +Macomber, a wealthy young society heiress and debutante, aged seventeen, +was saying that she had always felt this lack in Red Gap and would of +been in the movies long since if her aunt had listened to reason. The +only man present was Edgar Tomlinson, who is Red Gap's most prominent +first-nighter and does the Lounger-in-the-Lobby column for the Recorder, +reviewing all the new films in an able and fearless manner. Edgar was +looking like he had come into his own at last. He was wearing a flowing +tie and a collar that hardly come higher than his chest and big wind +shields on a black cord, and had his hair mussed up like a regular +Bohemian in a Sunday paper. Vernabelle was soon telling him how +refreshing it was to meet away out here one who was by way of doing +things, and she had read that very morning his review of the film +entitled A Sister of Sin, and had found it masterly in its clear-cut +analysis, but why did he waste himself here when the great world lay +open. Edgar thrust back his falling hair with a weary hand and tried to +look modest, but it was useless. Vernabelle devoted most of her chat to +Edgar. She was an incessant person but it seemed to take a man to bring +out all that was best in her. + +Pretty soon Metta went over to a table and brought back some glasses +of wine on a tray, of which all partook with more or less relish. I +recognized it from the bottle. It was elderberry wine that Metta's +mother had put up. You have to be resourceful in a dry state. + +"I'm afraid you'll all think me frightfully Bohemian," said Metta +proudly. + +Beryl Mae held her glass up to the light and said, "After all, does +anything in life really matter?" She appeared very blase in all her +desperate young beauty. She and Edgar Tomlinson looked as near right as +anything you'd see in Washington Square. Vernabelle said the true spirit +of Bohemia knew neither time nor place; it was wherever those gathered +who were doing things, and wasn't it splendid that even here in this +crude Western town a few of the real sort could meet and make their +own little quarter and talk about the big things, the lasting things! +Everyone said yes, quite so; and they all tried to handle their wine like +it was a rare old vintage. But you can't hold much wassail on the juice +of the elderberry; it ain't the most jocund stuff the world as fermented +by Metta's mother. + +However, it livened things up a bit and Vernabelle set down her glass and +chattered some more. She said after all life was anything but selective, +but didn't we think that all the arts rounded out one's appreciation +of the beautiful. Several said "How true--how true indeed!" and sighed +importantly. Then Metta said Vernabelle must show us some of her work and +Vernabelle said she could hardly bring herself to do that; but yet she +could and did, getting up promptly. She had designs for magazine covers +and designs for war posters and designs for mural decorations and designs +for oil paintings and so forth--"studies; crude, unfinished bits" she +called 'em, but in a tone that didn't urge any one else to call 'em that. + +It was mostly clouds and figures of females, some with ladies' wearing +apparel and many not, engaged in dancing or plucking fruit or doing up +their hair. Quite different stuff from Metta's innocent pictures of +kittens and grapes and daffodils. After everyone was put on the easel +Henrietta Templeton Price would stick her thumb up in the air and sight +across it with one eye shut and say "A stunning bit, that!" and the +others would gasp with delight and mutter to each other about its being +simply wonderful. + +Vernabelle listened in an all-too-negligent manner, putting in a tired +word or two now and then. She admitted that one or two was by way of +being precious bits. "Rather precious in an elemental way," she would +say. "Of course I am trying to develop the psychology of the line." +Everyone said "Oh, of course!" + +While she had one up showing part of a mottled nude lady who was smiling +and reaching one hand up over to about where her shoulder blades would +meet in the back, who should be let in on the scene but Lon Price and +Cousin Egbert Floud. Lon had called for Henrietta, and Cousin Egbert had +trailed along, I suppose, with glass blowing in mind. Vernabelle forgot +her picture and fluttered about the two new men. I guess Lon Price is a +natural-born Bohemian. He took to her at once. + +"Sit here and tell me all about yourself," says Vernabelle, and Lon did +so while the girl hung breathless on his words. In no time at all he was +telling her about Price's Addition to Red Gap, how you walk ten blocks +and save ten dollars a block and your rent money buys a home in this, +the choicest villa site on God's green earth. Vernabelle had sort of kept +hold of Cousin Egbert's sleeve with an absent hand--that girl was a man +hound if ever there was one--and pretty soon she turned from Lon to +Egbert and told him also to tell her all about himself. + +Cousin Egbert wasn't so glib as Lon. He looked nervous. He'd come +expecting a little glass blowing and here was something strange. He +didn't seem to be able to tell her all about himself. He couldn't start +good. + +"Tell me what you are reading, then," says Vernabelle; and Cousin Egbert +kind of strangled at this, too. He finally manages to say that he tried +to read Shakespere once but it was too fine print. The old liar! He +wouldn't read a line of Shakespere in letters a foot high. It just showed +that he, too, was trying to bluff along with the rest of 'em on this +Bohemian chatter. + +Vernabelle continued full of blandishment for the two men and poured 'em +out stiff hookers of this demon elderberry wine and lighted cigarettes +for 'em from hers. I don't know whether this beverage got to Lon Price +or not, but in a minute he was telling her that beauty in her sex was a +common-enough heritage, but how all-too rare it was to find beauty and +brains in the same woman! Vernabelle called him comrade after that, and +then she was telling Cousin Egbert that he was of the great outdoors--a +man's man! Egbert looked kind of silly and puzzled at this. He didn't +seem to be so darned sure about it. + +Then Vernabelle worked over by the easel--it took her about six attitudes +leaning against things, to get there--and showed her oil paintings to the +newcomers. Lon Price was full of talk and admiration and said she must +do a poster for him showing a creature of rare beauty up in the clouds +beckoning home-buyers out to Price's Addition, where it was Big Lots, +Little Payments, and all Nature seemed to smile. He said this figure, +however, had better have something in the shape of a garment on it +because the poster would go into homes where art in its broader extent +was still regarded in a suspicious or even hostile manner, if she caught +what he meant. The artist says she can readily understand, and that life +after all is anything but selective. + +Cousin Egbert just looked at the pictures in an uncomfortable manner. +He spoke only once and that was about the mottled lady reaching over +her shoulder and smiling. "Grinitch," says he with a knowing leer. But +Vernabelle only says, yes, it was painted in the dear old village. + +Then the crowd sort of got together on the couch and in chairs and +Vernabelle talked for one and all. She said how stimulating it was for a +few of the real people who did things to come together in this way after +the day's turmoil--to get away from it all! Beryl Mae said she had often +wanted to get away from it all, but her aunt was narrow-minded. Henrietta +Price lighted her ninth cigarette and said how it reminded her of the +Latin Quarter of Paris, which she had never been to, but her cousin had +spent a whole afternoon there once and had been simply wild about it. +Vernabelle said it was times like this, with a few real people, that she +got her biggest ideas; that life in the rough was too terribly a +labyrinth, didn't we think, stunning one with its immensity, while in +these dear little half-lighted moments the real came out unafraid, if +we understood what she meant. Many of us said we did. + +It was when we got up to go that Vernabelle told me things about Cousin +Egbert. She said he must have great reserve strength in his personality. +She said he fairly frightened her, he was so superbly elemental. + +"It is not so much Mr. Floud that frightens me," says she, "as the +inevitability of him--just beautifully that! And such sang fraw!" + +Poor Egbert was where he had to overhear this, and I had never seen him +less sang fraw--if that's the word. He looked more like a case of nettle +rash, especially when Vernabelle gripped his hand at parting and called +him comrade! + +We finally groped our way through the smoke of the door and said what a +lovely time we'd had, and Metta said we must make a practice of dropping +in at this hour. Vernabelle called us all comrade and said the time had +been by way of being a series of precious moments to her, even if these +little studio affairs did always leave poor her like a limp lily. Yep; +that's the term she used and she was draped down a bookcase when she said +it, trying to look as near as possible like a limp lily. + +The awestruck group split up outside. Nothing like this had ever entered +our dull lives, and it was too soon to talk about it. Cousin Egbert +walked downtown with me and even he said only a few little things. He +still called the lady a glass blower, and said if she must paint at all +why not paint family pictures that could be hung in the home. He said, +what with every barroom in the state closed, there couldn't be much +demand for them Grinitch paintings. He also said, after another block, +that if he owned this lady and wanted to get her in shape to sell he'd +put her out on short sand grass, short almost to the roots, where she'd +wear her teeth down. And a block later he said she hadn't ought to be +calling everyone comrade that way--it sounded too much like a German. +Still and all, he said, there was something about her. He didn't say +what. + +So now the Latin Quarter had begun, and in no time at all it was going +strong. It seemed like everybody had long been wanting to get away from +it all but hadn't known how. They gathered daily in Metta's studio, the +women setting round in smocks, they all took to wearing smocks, of +course, while hungry-eyed Vernabelle got the men to tell her all about +themselves, and said wasn't it precious that a few choice spirits could +thus meet in the little half-lighted hour, away from it all, and be by +way of forgetting that outer world where human souls are bartered in the +market place. + +Of course the elderberry wine was by way of giving plumb out after +the second half-lighted hour, but others come forward with cherished +offerings. Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale brought round some currant +wine that had been laid down in her cellar over a year ago, and Beryl Mae +Macomber pilfered a quart of homemade cherry brandy that her aunt had +been saving against sickness, and even Mrs. Judge Ballard kicked in with +some blackberry cordial made from her own berries, though originally +meant for medicine. + +Lon Price was a feverish Bohemian from the start, dropping in almost +every day to tell Vernabelle all about himself and get out of +convention's shell into the raw throb of life, as it was now being +called. Lon always was kind of light-minded, even after the state +went dry. He told Vernabelle he had a treasured keepsake hid away which +he would sacrifice to Bohemia at the last moment, consisting of one quart +bottle of prime old rye. And he was going to make over to her a choice +building lot in Price's Addition, right near the proposed site of the +Carnegie library, if Vernabelle would put up something snappy on it in +the way of a Latin Quarter bungalow. + +Lon also added Jeff Tuttle to the Bohemians the day that old horned toad +got down from his ranch. After going once Jeff said darned if he hadn't +been a Bohemian all his life and never knew what was the matter with him. +Vernabelle had him telling her all about himself instantly. She said he +was such a colourful bit, so virile and red-blooded, and she just knew +that when he was in his untamed wilderness he put vine leaves in his +hair and went beautifully barefoot. She said it wasn't so much him as the +inevitability of him. She'd said this about Cousin Egbert, too, but she +was now saying of this old silly that he had a nameless pathos that cut +to her artist's heart. It seems Cousin Egbert had gone round a couple +times more looking for glass blowing and getting disappointed. + +And there was new Bohemians every day. Otto Gashwiler, that keeps books +for the canning factory, and Hugo Jennings, night clerk of the Occidental +Hotel, was now prominent lights of the good old Latin Quarter passing +their spare moments there where they could get away from it all, instead +of shaking dice at the Owl cigar store, like they used to. And Oswald +Cummings of the Elite Bootery, was another. Oswald is a big fair-haired +lummox that sings tenor in the Presbyterian choir and has the young men's +Bible class in the Sabbath School. Vernabelle lost no time in telling +him that he was oh, so frankly a pagan creature, born for splendid sins; +and Otto seemed to believe it for a couple of weeks, going round absent +like as if trying to think up some sins that would be splendid, though +if any one but a Bohemian had told him this he'd have blushed himself to +death. It shows you what a hold Vernabelle was by way of getting on Red +Gap. + +It was sure one season of triumph for Metta Bigler, who lurked proudly +in the background as manager. Metta's mother wasn't near so thrilled as +Metta, though. She confided to me that Bohemians was a messy lot to clean +up after, raining cigarette ashes over everything; and also it was pretty +hard to have raised a child to Metta's age only to see her become a +cigarette fiend overnight, and having these mad revels with currant +wine and other intoxicants--and Metta was even using a lip stick! + +And Metta's mother wasn't the only one in town looking sidewise at these +Bohemian doings. There was them that held aloof from the beginning and +would give their bitter reasons at every opportunity. These was the +ultra-conservative element of the North Side set, and what they said +about the new Latin Quarter was a plenty. They said it was mostly an +excuse for drunken orgies in which all sense of decency was cast aside, +to say nothing of cigarettes being brazenly smoked by so-called ladies. +They said this here talk about getting away from it all meant the ruin +of the home upon which all durable civilization must be built; and as +for wives and mothers going round without their stockings look at what +befell proud Rome! And it was time something was done to stem this tide +of corruption. + +Mrs. Cora Wales and Mrs. Tracy Bangs, president and vice-president of our +anti-tobacco league, was the leaders of this movement and sent in a long +complaint to the chamber of commerce urging instant action or a foul blot +would be splashed on the fair name of our city, to say nothing of homes +being broken up. They was ably backed up in this move by a committee from +the civic purity league. + +And of course this added to the attractions of the Latin Quarter, giving +each Bohemian a new thrill. Vernabelle said it was by way of being +ancient history; that from time immemorial these little groups of choice +spirits who did things had been scorned and persecuted, but that every +true Bohemian would give a light laugh and pursue his carefree way, +regardless of the Philistine And so it went, venomous on both sides, but +with Vernabelle holding the bridge. She'd brought new stuff to town and +had a good working majority in favour of it. + +Downtown one day I met Metta in the Red Front grocery buying olives and +sardines in an excited way. I suppose it's for one of her unspeakable +orgies, but she tells me it's something special and I must be sure to +come. + +"Dear Vernabelle," she says, "has consented to give an evening cycle of +dance portrayals for just a few of the choicer spirits. I know there has +been dreadful talk about our little group, but this will be a stunning +bit and you are broad-minded, so do come." + +I could just see Vernabelle consenting, almost peevishly; but it sounded +like it might be disorderly enough, so I says I'll come if she promises +to leave at least one window down at the top, me not having a gas mask. + +Metta thinks a minute, then says she guesses she can leave one window +down a mite; not much, on account of the nature of Vernabelle's dance +costume. I says if such is to be the nature of her costume I'll come +anyway and risk being gassed. Metta chides me gravely. She says the +costume is perfectly proper to the artist eye, being a darling little +early Greek thing; built on simple lines that follow the figure, it is +true, yet suggest rather than reveal, and if the early Greeks saw no harm +in it why should we? I tell her to say no more, but reserve me a ringside +seat, though near a window if one can be opened; say, as far as the early +Greeks would have done at such a time, on account of the punk sticks. + +And of course I wouldn't miss it. I'm there at eight-thirty and find +quite a bunch of Latin Quarter denizens already gathered and full of +suppressed emotion. The punk sticks, of course, are going strong. +Vernabelle in a pink kimono says they supply atmosphere; which is the +only joke I ever heard her get off, if she knew it was one. Bohemians +Lon Price and Jeff Tuttle are hanging over the punch bowl, into which +something illegal has been poured. Jeff is calling Vernabelle little +woman and telling her if worse comes to worst they might try being +Bohemians on a mixture his men up on the ranch thought of for a New +Year's celebration. He says they took a whole case of vanilla extract +and mixed it with one dozen cans of condensed milk, the vanilla having +a surprising kick in it and making 'em all feel like the good old days +next morning. + +Vernabelle says he reminds her of some untamed creature of the open, +some woodsy monster of the dells, and Jeff says that's just what he feels +like. He's going on to tell her some more about what he feels like, but +Vernabelle is now greeting Oswald Cummings, the pagan of splendid sins, +from the Elite Bootery. She tells Oswald there is a cold cruelty in the +lines of his face that reminds her of the emperor Nero. + +Finally about twenty choice spirits who did things was gathered for this +half-lighted hour, so everybody set down on chairs and the couch and the +floor, leaving a clear space for Vernabelle; and Professor Gluckstein, +our music teacher, puts down his meerschaum pipe and goes to the piano +and plays a soft piece. The prof is a German, but not a pro-German, and +plays first rate in the old-fashioned way, with his hands. Then, when +all the comrades get settled and their cigarettes lighted, the prof +drifted into something quite mournful and Vernabelle appeared from +behind a screen without her kimono. + +The early Greeks must of been strong on art jewellery. Vernabelle clanked +at every step with bracelets and anklets and necklaces. She had a +priceless ruby weighing half a pound fastened to the middle of her +bony forehead. Her costume was spangled, but not many spangles had been +needed. The early Greeks couldn't of been a dressy lot. If Vernabelle had +been my daughter I could of give her what she deserved with almost no +trouble. The costume, as Metta had said, not only followed the lines +of the figure, so far as it went anywhere at all, but it suggested and +almost revealed that Vernabelle had been badly assembled. The Bohemians +kind of gasped and shivered, all except Jeff Tuttle, who applauded +loudly. They seemed to feel that Vernabelle was indeed getting away +from it all. + +Then came this here cycle-of-dance portrayals. The first one wasn't much +dance; it was mostly slow, snaky motions with the arms and other things, +and it was to portray a mother cobra mourning her first-born. At least +that's the way I understood it. Another one was called "The Striving +Soul," to which the prof played something livelier. Vernabelle went round +and round, lifting her feet high. It looked to me like she was climbing +a spiral staircase that wasn't there. Then she was a hunted fawn in a +dark forest and was finally shot through the heart by a cruel hunter--who +was probably nearsighted. And in the last one she was a Russian peasant +that has got stewed on vodka at the Russian county fair. This was the +best one. You couldn't see her so well when she moved quick. + +Of course there was hearty applause when it was all over, and pretty soon +Vernabelle come out again in her kimono. Panting like a tuckered hound +she was when the comrades gathered to tell her how wonderful she had +been. + +"That music tears me," says Vernabelle, putting her hands to her chest +to show where it tore. "That last maddening Russian bit--it leaves me +like a limp lily!" So she was led to the punch bowl by Comrades Price +and Tuttle, with the others pushing after and lighting cigarettes for +her. + +It was agreed that the evening had been a triumph for Vernabelle's art. +Almost every Bohemian present, it seemed, had either been tore or +maddened by that last Russian bit. + +Vernabelle was soon saying that if she had one message for us it was the +sacred message of beauty. Jeff Tuttle says, "You've certainly delivered +it, little woman!" Vernabelle says, oh, perhaps, in her poor, weak +way--she was being a limp lily against the piano then--but art is a +terrible master to serve, demanding one's all. Comrade Price says what +more could she give than she has to-night. And then, first thing I +know, they're all talking about an intimate theatre. + +This was another part of Vernabelle's message. It seems intimate theatres +is all the rage in New York, and the Bigler barn is just the place to +have one in. Vernabelle says they will use the big part where the hay +used to be and paint their own scenery and act their own plays and thus +find a splendid means of self-expression the way people of the real sort +are doing in large cities. + +Everyone is wild about this in a minute, and says how quaint and jolly +Bohemian it will be. The Bigler barn is just the place, with no horse +there since Metta bought one of the best-selling cars that ever came out +of Michigan, and Vernabelle says she has written a couple of stunning +little one-act pieces, too powerful for the big theatres because they go +right to the throbbing raw of life, and it will be an inspiration and +uplift to the community, of which all present can be proud. Lon Price +says he will furnish a good drop curtain free, painted with a choice +nine-room villa with just a line mentioning Price's Addition to Red Gap, +Big Lots, Little Payments. And he's quite hurt when Vernabelle tells him +no, that they must keep entirely out of the slime of commercialism. I +don't think Lon ever again felt the same toward Vernabelle--calling his +business slime, that way. + +However, the party broke up full of plans for the new intimate theatre, +leaving an empty punch bowl and a million cigarette ends. + +And right here was where the Philistine opposition braided feathers in +its hair and done a war dance. Members of the little group that did +things spoke freely the next day of Vernabelle's art in the dance and her +early Greek costume, taking a mean enjoyment in the horror they inspired +among pillars of the church and the civic purity league. It is probable +that in their artistic relish they endowed Vernabelle with even fewer +clothes than she had wore. At any rate, they left a whole lot to be +inferred, and it promptly was inferred. + +The opposition now said this was no job for a chamber of commerce; it +had become a simple matter for the police. The civic purity league had +a special meeting at which the rind was peeled off Vernabelle's moral +character, and the following Sabbath one of the ministers gave a hot +sermon in which the fate of Babylon and a few other undesirable residence +centres mentioned in the Bible was pointed out. He said that so-called +Bohemia was the gateway to hell. He never minced his words, not once. + +And the Latin Quarter come in for some more shock assaults when the +talk about an intimate theatre in the Bigler barn got out. The regular +theatre was bad enough, said the civic purity league; in fact, they had +started a campaign against that the month before, right after a one-night +engagement of the Jolly Paris Divorcees Burlesque Company, which, I +gathered, had not upheld the very highest standards of dramatic art. +And if the town was going to stand for anything more intimate than this +show had provided, why, it was time for drastic action if any wholesome +family life was to be saved from the wreck. + +Feeling ran high, I want to tell you, and a few of the younger set fell +out of the ranks of good old Bohemia--or was yanked out. Luella Stultz's +father, who is old-fashioned, it was said, had give Luella a good licking +for smoking cigarettes, and old Jesse Himebaugh had threatened his +daughter Gussie with the reform school if she didn't stop trying to get +away from it all. Even Beryl Mae's aunt put her foot down. Beryl Mae met +me in the post office one day and says auntie won't let her be a Bohemian +any more, having threatened to take her new ukulele away from her if she +goes to that Latin Quarter another single time; and poor Beryl Mae having +hoped to do a Hawaiian dance in native costume for the intimate theatre, +where it wouldn't be misunderstood! + +Things was just in this shape, with bitterness on every side and old +friends not speaking, and the opposition passing the Bohemians on the +street with the frown of moral disgust, and no one knowing how it would +all end, when I hear that Cora Wales has a niece coming from New York to +visit her--a Miss Smith. I says to myself, "My lands! Here's another Miss +Smith from New York when it looks to me like the one we got is giving us +a plenty of the big league stuff." But I meet Cora Wales and learn that +this one's first name is Dulcie, which again seemed to make a difference. + +Cora says this Dulcie niece is one of New York's society leaders and +she's sorry she invited her, because what kind of a town is it in which +to introduce a pure young girl that never smoked or drank in her life and +whose people belong to one of the very most exclusive churches in the +city. She had hoped to give Dulcie a good time, but how can she sully +herself with any of our young people that have took up Bohemianism? She +being fresh from her social triumphs in New York, where her folks live +in one of the very most fashionable apartment houses on Columbus Avenue, +right in the centre of things and next to the elevated railway, will +be horrified at coming to a town where society seems to be mostly a +little group of people who do things they hadn't ought to. + +Dulcie is a dear girl and very refined, everything she wears being +hand embroidered, and it would of been a good chance for Red Gap to get +acquainted with a young society girl of the right sort, but with this +scandal tearing up the town it looks like the visit will be a failure +for all parties. + +I tell Cora on the contrary it looks like a good chance to recall the +town to its better self. If this here Dulcie is all that is claimed for +her she can very probably demolish the Latin Quarter and have us all +leading correct society lives in no time, because the public is fickle +and ever ready for new stuff, and as a matter of fact I suspect the Latin +Quarter is in a bad way because of everything in town of an illegal +character having been drunk up by the comrades. Me? I was trying to get +some new life into the fight, understand, being afraid it would die +natural and leave us to a dull winter. + +Cora's eyes lighted up with a great hope and she beat it off to the +Recorder office to have a piece put in the paper about Dulcie's coming. +It was a grand piece, what with Cora giving the points and Edgar +Tomlinson writing it. It said one of Gotham's fair daughters would winter +in our midst, and how she was a prominent society leader and an ornament +of the fast hunting set, noted for her wit and beauty and dazzling +costumes, and how a series of brilliant affairs was being planned in her +honour by her hostess and aunt, Mrs. Leonard Wales, Red Gap's prominent +society matron and representative of all that was best in our community, +who would entertain extensively at her new and attractive home in Price's +Addition. And so forth. + +I'm bound to say it created a flurry of interest among the younger +dancing set, and more than one begun to consider whether they would +remain loyal to Bohemia or plunge back into society once more, where +stockings are commonly wore, and smoking if done at all is hurriedly +sneaked through out on the porch or up in the bathroom. + +From Cora's description I was all prepared to find Dulcie a tall, +stately creature of twenty-eight, kind of blase and haggard from her +wearing social duties in New York. But not so. Not so at all. Cora had +invitations out for a tea the day after Dulcie come; invitations, that +is, to the non-Bohemians and such as had reformed or give good signs of +it. I don't know which head I got in under. And this Dulcie niece was +nothing but a short, fat, blond kid of seventeen or eighteen that had +never led any society whatever. You could tell that right quick. + +She was rapidly eating cream-cheese sandwiches when I was presented to +her. I knew in one look that society had never bothered Dulcie any. +Victuals was her curse. In the cattle business it ain't riding +disrespectful horses that gets you the big money; it's being able to +guess weights. And if Dulcie pulled a pound less than one hundred and +eighty then all my years of training has gone for naught. She was +certainly big-framed stock and going into the winter strong. Between +bites of sandwich, with a marshmallow now and then, she was saying that +she was simply crazy about the war, having the dandiest young French +soldier for a godson and sending him packages of food and cigarettes +constantly, and all the girls of her set had one, and wasn't it the +darlingest idea. + +And her soldier was only twenty-two, though his beard made him look more +mature, and he wrote such dandy letters, but she didn't suppose there +would ever be anything between them because papa was too busy with his +coal yard to take her over there. + +As the girl chattered on it didn't seem to me that our Latin Quarter was +in the slightest danger from her. Still, some of the girls that was there +seemed quite impressed or buffaloed by her manner. One idea she give out +now was new in Red Gap. She had all her rings named after meals. She had +a breakfast ring and a dinner ring and a supper ring and a banquet ring, +and Daisy Estelle Maybury admired the necklace she had on, and Dulcie +said that was a mere travelling necklace; and how did they like this cute +little restaurant frock she was wearing? A little dressmaker over on +Amsterdam Avenue had turned it out. All the parties she dealt with, +apparently, was little. She had a little dressmaker and a little hair +woman and a little manicure and a little florist, and so forth. She'd +et five cream-cheese sandwiches by this time, in spite of its being quite +painful for her to pick up a dropped napkin. Dulcie didn't fold over +good. You could tell here was a girl that had never tried to get away +from it all. She wanted to be right where it was. + +Pretty soon one of the girls said something about the Bohemians of the +Latin Quarter, probably aiming to show this New York chatterbox that Red +Gap wasn't so far west as it looked. But Dulcie gave 'em the laugh. She +said oh, dear, New York society had simply quit taking up Bohemians, it +not being considered smart any longer, and did we really take them up +here? The girls backed up at this. And Dulcie went on being superior. She +said of course society people now and then made up a party and went down +to Washington Square to look them over, but as for taking them up, oh, +dear, no! It was more like a slumming party. One could stare at them, +but one simply didn't know them. + +And perhaps, if she could get Aunt Cora to chaperon them, they might make +up one of these slumming parties some evening and go down to Red Gap's +Latin Quarter; it might be amusing. Cora Wales glistened at this. She +said she guessed people could now see how such goings-on were regarded by +society in the true sense of the word. And it did give the girls a chill, +calling the Bigler home a slum. But I still didn't see any stuff in +Dulcie to vanquish Vernabelle. + +And I didn't see it a minute later when Dulcie wolfed her tenth +marshmallow and broke out about winter sports. She first said what +perfectly darling snow we had here. This caused some astonishment, no +one present having ever regarded snow as darling but merely as something +to shovel or wade through. So Dulcie pronged off a piece of sticky +chocolate cake and talked on. She said that everyone in New York was +outdooring, and why didn't we outdoor. It was a shame if we didn't go +in for it, with all this perfectly dandy snow. New York people had to +go out of town for their winter sports, owing to the snow not being good +for sport after it fell there; but here it was right at hand, and did we +mean to say we hadn't organized a winter-sports club. + +No one spoke, for no one could guess what you did to outdoor properly. +About all they could think of was hustling out after another chunk for +the fireplace or bringing a scuttle of coal up from the cellar. But they +soon got the idea. Dulcie said right from this window she could see a +corking hill for a toboggan slide, and it would be perfectly darling to +be out there with plenty of hot coffee and sandwiches; and there must be +some peachy trips for snowshoe parties with sandwiches and coffee at the +end; or skating in the moonlight with a big bonfire and coffee and +sandwiches. + +She suggested other things with coffee and sandwiches and finally got +up some real enthusiasm when she said she had brought some of the dearest +sport toggery with her. The girls was excited enough when they found out +you had to dress especial for it. They was willing to listen to anything +like that if New York society was really mad about it, even if it +conflicted with lifelong habits--no one in Red Gap but small boys +having ever slid downhill. + +And still I didn't suspect Dulcie was going to groundsluice Vernabelle. +It looked like the Latin Quarter would still have the best of it, at +least during a cold winter. Which goes to show that you can't tell what +society will go mad about, even in Red Gap, when you can dress for it. + +The girls had got a line on Dulcie and was properly impressed by her, and +then with an evening affair at the Wales home the dancing men had their +chance. Even some of the Bohemians was let to come, just to have 'em see +that there was indeed a better life; and reports of Dulcie was such that +all took advantage of it. The male sex was strong for the girl at once. +She didn't know that life is anything but selective, or that all the arts +round out one's appreciation of the beautiful, or that anything was "by +way of being" something. But all the food she took didn't make her +torpid; she giggled easily and had eyes like hothouse grapes, and in +spite of her fat there was something about her, like Cousin Egbert said +of Vernabelle. Anyway, she prevailed. Oswald Cummings, the pagan, for +one, quickly side-stepped his destiny of splendid sins, and Hugo Jennings +told Dulcie he had merely gone to this Latin Quarter as he would go to an +animal show, never having meant for one moment to take Bohemians up, any +more than New York society would. + +First thing I hear, the winter-sports club has been organized, snowshoes +sent for and a couple of toboggans, and a toboggan slide half a mile +long made out in Price's Addition, starting at the top of the highest +hill, where Lon's big board sign with the painted bungalow made a fine +windshield, and running across some very choice building lots to the +foot of the grade, where it stopped on the proposed site of the Carnegie +Library. Lon was very keen about the sport himself after meeting Dulcie, +and let a fire be built near his sign that burned it down one night, but +he said it was all good advertising, more than he'd ever got out of being +a Bohemian. + +Of course there was a great deal of fuss about the proper sport toggery, +but everyone got rigged out by the time the toboggans got there. Dulcie +was a great help in this and was downtown every day advising one or +another about the proper sweaters or blanket coats or peaked caps with +tassels, or these here big-eyed boots. You'd meet her in a store with +Stella Ballard, eating from a sack of potato chips; and half an hour +later she'd be in another store with Daisy Estelle Maybury, munching from +a box of ginger wafers; with always a final stop at the Bon Ton Kandy +Kitchen for a sack of something to keep life in her on the way home. +There really got to be so much excitement about winter sports that you +hardly heard any more talk about the Latin Quarter. People got to +speaking to each other again. + +By the opening day of the sports club you wouldn't of thought any one in +town had ever tried to get away from it all. Even them that thought it +crazy came and stood round and said so. Cousin Egbert Floud said this +Dulcie was some sparrow, but nutty--going out in the cold that way when +nothing drove her out. Dulcie made a great hit with the club this first +day, having the correct Canadian toggery and being entirely fearless in +the presence of a toboggan. She'd zip to the bottom, come tramping back, +shooting on all six, grab a sandwich--for not a morsel of food had passed +her lips since she went down the time before--and do it all over again. +And every last ex-Bohemian, even Edgar Tomlinson, fighting for the chance +to save her from death by starvation! Dulcie played no favourites, being +entranced with 'em all. She said they was the dearest gentleman friends +she'd ever had. The way they was fighting for her favours she could of +called 'em her gentleman frenzy. Ain't I the heinous old madcap, thinking +of jokes like that? + +Next day there was a snowshoe trip up to Stender's spring and back by way +of the tie camp. Dulcie hadn't ever snowshoed and it wasn't any light +matter when her shoes threw her down--requiring about three of the +huskiest boys to up-end her--but she was game and the boys was game and +she was soon teaching snowshoeing shoes how to take a joke. And from that +on winter sports ruled in Red Gap. The chamber of commerce even talked of +building an ice palace next year and having a carnival and getting the +town's name in the papers. Oh, there certainly must of been a surprised +lot of snow round there that winter. Nothing like this had ever happened +to it before. + +And all being done on nothing stronger than coffee, with hardly a +cigarette and never anything that was by way of being a punk stick in a +closed room. It was certainly a lot healthier than a Latin Quarter for +these young people, and for the old ones, too. Dulcie had sure put one +large crimp into Bohemia, even if she could not be justly called an +intellectual giantess. + +And Vernabelle knew who to blame, too, when the little group quit coming +round to get away from it all. She knew it was Dulcie. She said that +Dulcie seemed to be a pampered society butterfly that devoted all her +thoughts to dress. This was repeated to Dulcie by an ex-Bohemian, but she +found no poison in it. She said of course she devoted all her thoughts to +dress; that a young girl with her figure had to if she ever expected to +get anywhere in the world. + +Even ex-comrade Lon Price would now shut his office at four o'clock every +day and go up on the hill and outdoor a bit, instead of getting away from +it all in a smoky Bohemian way. Besides he'd had a difference of opinion +with Vernabelle about the poster she was doing for him, the same being +more like an advertisement for some good bath soap, he said, than for +choice villa sites. + +"I don't know anything about art," says Lon, "but I know what my wife +likes." Which left Vernabelle with another design on her hands and +brought Comrade Price out of Bohemia. + +Even if Dulcie's winter sports hadn't done the trick I guess it would of +been done easy by her report that Bohemians was no longer thought to be +smart in New York, Red Gap being keenly sensitive in such matters. Metta +Bigler's mother firmly turned out the half-lights in Bohemia when she +heard of this talk of Dulcie's. I don't blame her. She didn't one bit +relish having her neat home referred to as a slum, say nothing of having +her only child using a lip stick and acting like an abandoned woman with +cigarettes and the wine cup. + +She said just that to me, Metta's mother did. She said she had heard that +New York was all broken up into social sets, the same way Red Gap is, and +if Bohemians wasn't being took up by the better element in New York, then +they shouldn't be took up by the better element of Red Gap--at least not +in any home of which the deed was still in her name. She said of course +she couldn't keep Metta's guest from being a Bohemian, but she would have +to be it alone. She wasn't going to have a whole mob coming round every +day and being Bohemians all over the place, it being not only messy but +repugnant alike to sound morality and Christian enlightenment. And that +settled it. Our town was safe for one more winter. Of course God only +knows what someone may start next winter. We are far off from things, +but by no means safe. + +Cousin Egbert was kind of sorry for Vernabelle. He said if she'd just +stuck to plain glass blowing she might of got by with it. He's a wonder, +that man--as teachable as a granite bowlder. + +My Godfrey! Ten-thirty, and me having to start the spring sport of ditch +cleaning to-morrow morning at seven! Won't I ever learn! + + + + +IV + +VENDETTA + + +By the evening lamp in the Arrowhead living room I did my bit, for the +moment, by holding a hank of gray wool for Ma Pettengill to wind. While +this minor war measure went forward the day's mail came. From a canvas +sack Lew Wee spilled letters and papers on the table. Whereupon the yarn +was laid by while Ma Pettengill eagerly shuffled the letters. She thought +fit to extenuate this eagerness. She said if people lived forever they +would still get foolishly excited over their mail; whereas everyone +knew well enough that nothing important ever came in it. To prove this +she sketched a rapid and entirely unexciting summary of the six unopened +letters she held. + +One of them, she conceded, might be worth reading; and this she laid +aside. Of the remaining five she correctly guessed the contents of four. +Of the fifth she remarked that it would be from a poor feckless dub with +a large family who had owed her three hundred dollars for nine years. She +said it would tell a new hard-luck tale for non-payment of a note now due +for the eighth time. Here she was wrong. The letter inclosed a perfectly +new note for four hundred and fifty dollars; and would Mrs. Pettengill +send on the extra one hundred and fifty dollars that would enable the +debtor to get on his feet and pay all his debts, as there was a good +season of hog buying ahead of him! + +"I guessed wrong," admitted the lady. "I certainly did that little man an +injustice, not suspecting he could think up something novel after nine +years." Grimly she scanned the new note. "As good as a treaty with +Germany!" she murmured and threw it aside, though I knew that the old +note and the new hundred and fifty would go forward on the morrow; for +she had spoken again of the debtor's large family. She said it was +wonderful what good breeders the shiftless are. + +"Ain't I right, though, about the foolish way people fly at their mail?" +she demanded. "You might think they'd get wise after years and years +of being fooled; but--no, sir! Take me day after to-morrow, when the +next mail comes. I'll fall on it like I fell on this, with all my old +delusions uninjured. There sure does seem to be a lot of human nature +in most of us." + +Then she opened the possibly interesting letter that had been put aside. +The envelope, at least, was interesting, bearing as it did the stamp of +a military censor for the American Expedition to France. + +"You remember Squat Tyler, that long cow-puncher working for me when you +were here last time?" + +I remembered Squat, who was indeed a long cow-puncher--long enough to be +known, also, to his intimates as Timberline. + +"Well, Squat is over there in the trenches helping to make the world a +pleasant place to live in. He's a good shot, too." + +The lady read the letter hurriedly to herself; then regaled me with bits +of it. + +"The life here is very," she read. "That's all he says, at first--'The +life here is very.' I should judge it might be that from what I read in +the papers. Or mebbe he couldn't just think of the word. Let's see! +What else? Oh, yes--about digging. He says he didn't take to digging at +first, not having gone there for any common purpose, but one day he was +told to dig, and while he was thinking up something to say a million guns +began to go off; so he dug without saying a word. Hard and fast he says +he dug. He says: 'If a badger would of been there he would of been in my +way.' I'll bet! Squat wouldn't like to be shot at in all seriousness. +What next? Here he says I wouldn't dream what a big outfit this here U.S. +outfit is; he says it's the biggest outfit he ever worked for--not even +excepting Miller & Lux. What next? Oh, yes; here he tells about getting +one. + +"'Last night I captured a big fat enemy; you know--a Heinie. It was as +dark as a cave, but I heard one snooping close. I says to my pardner I +keep hearing one snoop close; and he says forget it, because my hive is +swarming or something; and I says no; I will go out there and molest that +German. So I sneaked over the bank and through our barbed-wire fence that +everyone puts up here, and out a little ways to where I had heard one +snoop; and, sure enough--what do you think? He seen me first and knocked +my gun out of my hands with the butt of his. It got me mad, because it is +a new gun and I am taking fine care of it; so I clanched him'--that's +what Squat says, clanched. 'And, first, he run his finger into my right +eye, clear up to the knuckle it felt like; so I didn't say a word, but +hauled off quick and landed a hard right on the side of his jaw and +dropped him just like that. It was one peach I handed him and he slumped +down like a sack of mush. I am here to tell you it was just one punch, +though a dandy; but he had tried to start a fight, so it was his own +fault. So I took all his weapons away and when he come alive I kicked him +a few times and made him go into the U.S. trenches. He didn't turn out to +be much--only a piano tuner from Milwaukee; and I wish it had of been a +general I caught snooping. I certainly did molest him a-plenty, all +right. Just one punch and I brought him down out of control. Ha! Ha! The +life here is very different.' + +"There; that must of been what he tried to say at the beginning--'The +life here is very different.' I should think he'd find it so, seeing the +only danger that boy was ever in here was the sleeping sickness." + +Hereupon the lady removed the wrapper from a trade journal and scanned +certain market quotations. They pleased her little. She said it was +darned queer that the war should send every price in the world up but the +price of beef, beef quotations being just where the war had found them. +Not that she wanted to rob any one! Still and all, why give everyone a +chance but cattle raisers? She muttered hugely of this discrimination +and a moment later seemed to be knitting her remarks into a gray sock. +The mutterings had gradually achieved the coherence of remarks. And I +presently became aware that the uninflated price of beef was no longer +their burden. + +They now concerned the singular reticence of all losers of fist fights. +Take Squat's German. Squat would be telling for the rest of his life how +he put that Wisconsin alien out with one punch. But if I guessed the +German would be telling it as often as Squat told it I was plumb foolish. +He wouldn't tell it at all. Losers never do. Any one might think that +parties getting licked lost their powers of speech. Not so with the +winners of fights; not so at all! + +At this very minute, while we sat there in that room at a quarter past +eight, all over the wide world modest-seeming men were telling how they +had licked the other man with one punch, or two or three at the most. It +was being told in Kulanche County, Washington, and in Patagonia and +Philadelphia and Africa and China, and them places; in clubs and lumber +camps and Pullman cars and ships and saloons--in states that remained +free of the hydrant-headed monster, Prohibition--in tents and palaces; in +burning deserts and icy wastes. At that very second, in an ice hut up by +the North Pole, a modest Eskimo was telling and showing his admiring wife +and relatives just how he had put out another Eskimo that had come round +and tried to start something. Which was another mystery, the man winning +the fight being always put upon and invariably in the right. In every one +of these world-wide encounters justice always prevailed and only the +winner talked about it afterward. + +"And lots of times," continued the lady, "this talkative winner has been +set upon by as many as three others. But he licks 'em all. Sometimes he +admits he had a little luck with the third man; but he gets two of the +cowards easy. Why, down in Red Gap only the other night I saw a kind of a +slight young man in a full-dress suit lick three big huskies that set on +him. He put two out with a punch apiece and got the third after about one +round of sparring. There he stood winner over all three, and hardly his +hair mussed; and you wouldn't of thought in the beginning that he could +lick one of the bunch. It was a good picture, all right, with this fight +coming in the first reel to start things off lively. But what I want to +know is why, out of these million fights that come off, you never hear a +word out of a loser! I'll bet all my Liberty Bonds right now that you +never yet heard a man tell about how he was licked in a fair fight." + +I had to decline the wager. The most I could submit was that I had heard +some plausible excuses. The lady waved her entire knitting in +deprecation. + +"Oh, excuses! You hear 'em a-plenty when the loser can't deny he was +licked. Most losers will odd things along till they sound even. I heard a +lovely excuse down in Red Gap. Hyman Leftowitz, who does business there +as Abercrombie, the Quality Tailor, made a suit for Eddie Pierce that +drives the depot hack, and Eddie was slow pay. So Hyman lost his native +tact one night and dunned Eddie when he was walking down Fourth Street +with his girl. Eddie left his girl in at the Owl Drug Store and went back +and used Hyman hard; and all Hyman did was to yell 'Help!' and 'Murder!' +I was in his shop for a fitting next day and Hyman's face arrested the +attention much more than usual. It showed that Eddie had done something +with him. So I says: 'Why didn't you fight back? What was your fists +for?' And Hyman says: 'I pledge you my word I didn't know it was a +fight.' Oh, excuses--sure! But that ain't what I'm getting at. You've +heard the winners talk, like we all have, how they did it with the good +old right hook to the jaw, or how they landed one straight left and all +was over; but did you ever hear any talk from a loser without excuses, +one who come out plain and said he was licked by a better man?" + +We debated this briefly. We agreed that the reticence of losers is due +to something basic in human nature; a determination of the noblest sort +to disregard failure--that is, Ma Pettengill said you couldn't expect +everything of human nature when it had its earrings in, and I agreed in +as few words as would suffice. I had suddenly become aware that the woman +was holding something back. The signs in her discourse are not to be +mistaken. I taxed her with this. She denied it. Then she said that, even +if she was holding back something, it was nothing to rave about. Just an +anecdote that this here talk about fighting characters had reminded her +of. She wouldn't of thought of it even now if Ben Steptoe hadn't told her +last spring why he didn't lick his Cousin Ed that last time. And this +here Ed Steptoe was the only honest male she had ever known. But that +was because something was wrong in his head, he being a born nut. And +it wasn't really worth going back over; but--well--she didn't know. +Possibly. Anyway-- + +These Steptoe cousins come from a family back in the East that was remote +kin to mine and they looked me up in Red Gap when they come out into the +great boundless West to carve out a name for themselves. About fifteen +years ago they come. Ben was dark and short and hulky, with his head +jammed down between his shoulders. Ed was blond and like a cat, being +quick. Ben had a simple but emphatic personality, seeing what he wanted +and going for it, and that never being more than one thing at a time. Ed +was all over the place with his own aspirations and never anything long +at a time; kind of a romantic temperament, or, like they say in stories, +a creature of moods. He was agent for the Home Queen sewing machine when +he first come out. But that didn't mean sewing machines was his life +work. He'd done a lot of things before that, like lecturing for a +patent-medicine professor and canvassing for crayon portraits with a +gold frame, and giving lessons in hypnotism, and owning one-half or +a two-headed pig that went great at county fairs. + +Ben had come along the year before Ed and got a steady job as brakeman +on the railroad, over on the Coeur d'Alene Branch. He told me he was +going to make railroading his life work and had started in at the bottom, +which was smart of him, seeing he'd just come off a farm. They probably +wouldn't of let him start in at the top. Anyway, he was holding down his +job as brakeman when Ed sailed in, taking orders for the Home Queen, and +taking 'em in plenty, too, being not only persuasive in his methods but +a wizard on this here sewing machine. He could make it do everything +but play accompaniments for songs--hemming, tucking, frilling, fancy +embroidering. He knew every last little dingus that went on it; things +I certainly have never learned in all my life, having other matters on my +mind. He'd take a piece of silk ribbon and embroider a woman's initials +on it in no time at all, leaving her dead set to have this household +treasure. + +But Ed had tired of sewing machines, like he had of hypnotism and the +double-headed Berkshire; and he never kept at anything a minute after it +quit exciting him. Ben come down to Red Gap to see his cousin and they +had quite a confab about what Ed should next take up for his life work. +Ben said it was railroading for his, and some day he'd be a general +manager, riding round in his private car and giving orders right and +left, though nothing but a humble brakeman now, and finally he talked Ed +into the same exalted ambitions. Ed said he had often wanted to ride in a +private car himself, and if it didn't take too long from the time you +started in he might give railroading a chance to show what it could do +for him. Ben said all right, come over with him and he'd get him started +as brakeman, with a fine chance to work up to the top. + +So, after infesting a few more houses with the Home Queen, Ed went +into his new profession. He told me, the last thing, that, even if he +didn't stick till he got to the top, it was, anyway, a fine chance for +adventure, which was really the thing he had come west of Chicago for. +He said night and day he pined for adventure. + +He got his adventure right soon after the company's pay roll was adorned +with his name. He'd been twisting up brakes on freight cars for ten days +till the life looked tame to him, even with a private car at the end, +and then all his wildest dreams of adventure was glutted in something +like four minutes and thirty seconds. On this eleventh day after he'd +begun at the bottom he started to let two big freight cars loaded with +concentrates down the spur track, from one of the mines at Burke, having +orders to put 'em where the regular train for Wallace could pick 'em up. +Burke is seven miles up the canon from Wallace and the grade drops two +hundred and thirty-five feet to the mile, being a masterpiece of +engineering. Ed gets his two cars to the main line, all right, whistling +a careless ditty. Then when they should of stopped they did not. They +kept sneaking and creaking along on him. He couldn't get the brake of +the forward car up very tight, and in setting the brake of the rear car, +with a brakeman's stick for a lever, he broke the chain. Then his two +cars really started out looking for adventure. + +Ed admits that he had the thrill of his life for seven miles. I guess his +wildest cravings for adventure was appeased for the time. He flattened +out at the rear end of the last car and let the scenery flash by. He said +afterward it looked just one blurred mess to him. His two cars dropped +the sixteen hundred and forty-five feet and made the seven-mile distance +in four and one-half minutes by standard railroad time. Ed was feeling +fairly good, never having rode so fast in his life before, and he was +hoping nothing serious would get in the way before the cars slowed up on +a level somewhere. He didn't have long to hope this. His cars struck a +frog at the upper end of the Wallace yard and left the track. The forward +ends plowed into the ground and the rear ends swung over. Ed was shot +through the air two hundred and thirty-five feet, as afterward measured +by a conscientious employee of the road, and landed in a dump of sawdust +by the ice house. + +It seems Ben was working in the Wallace yard that day and was the first +man to look things over. He put a report on the wire promptly and had a +wrecking outfit there to minister to these two injured box cars, and a +gang of Swedes repairing the track in no time at all. Then someone with +presence of mind said they ought to look for Ed, and Ben agreed; so +everybody searched and they found him in this sawdust. He looked +extremely ruined and like this little adventure had effected structural +modifications in him. He certainly had been brought down out of control, +like Squat says, but he was still breathing; so they took him over to the +Wallace Hospital on a chance that he could be put together again, like a +puzzle. A doctor got to work and set a lot of bones and did much plain +and fancy sewing on Ed the adventurer. + +So there he was, bedfast for about three months; but, of course, he begun +to enjoy his accident long before that--almost as soon as he come to, in +fact. It seemed to Ed that there had never been so good an accident as +that in the whole history of railroading, and he was the sole hero of it. +He passed his time telling the doctor all about it, and anyone else that +would drop in to listen: just how he felt when the cars started downhill; +how his whole past life flashed before him and just what he was thinking +about when the cars poured him off. He was remembering every second of it +by the time he was able to get on crutches. He never used that old saying +about making a long story short. + +First thing he did when he could hobble was to take a man from the +resident engineer's office out to the point where he'd left the rails and +tape his flight, finding it to be two hundred and thirty-five feet. That +hurt his story, because he had been estimating it at five hundred feet; +but he was strictly honest and accepted the new figures like a little +man. + +That night Ben come in, who'd been up round Spokane mostly since the +accident, and Ed told him all about it; how his flight was two hundred +and thirty-five feet. And wasn't it the greatest accident that ever +happened to anybody? + +Ed noticed that Ben didn't seem to be excited about it the way he had +ought to be. He was sympathetic enough for Ed's bone crashes, but he said +it was all in the day's work for a railroad man; and he told Ed about +some other accidents that was right in a class along with his and mebbe +even a shade better. Ed was peeved at this; so Ben tried to soothe him. +He said, yes, indeed, all hands had been lucky--especially the company. +He said if them two cars hadn't happened to strike soft ground that took +the wheels they'd been smashed to kindling; whereas the damage was +trifling. This sounded pretty cold to Ed. He said this railroad company +didn't seem to set any exaggerated value on human life. Ben said no +railroad company could let mere sentiment interfere with business if it +wanted to pay dividends, and most of them did. He said it was a matter of +dollars and cents like any other business, and Ed had already cost 'em a +lot of good hard cash for doctor's bills. Then he admitted that the +accident had been a good thing for him, in a way, he being there on the +spot and the first to make a report over to the superintendent at Tekoa. + +"I bet you made a jim-dandy good report," says Ed, taking heart again +after this sordid dollars-and-cents talk. "It was certainly a fine chance +to write something exciting if a man had any imagination. You probably +won't have another chance like that in all your career." + +"My report pleased the Old Man all right," says Ben. "He's kind of had +his eye on me ever since. He said the way I worded that report showed I +wasn't one to lose my head and get hysterical, the way he had known some +green hands to do." + +"I'll certainly have to have a look at that report," says Ed. "Probably +you did get a little bit hysterical at that seeing there was lots of +excuse for it." + +Ben says no, he can't remember that he was hysterical any, because the +high-class railroad man must always keep his head in emergencies. Ed +says, anyway he knows it must of been a corking good report, and he'll +sure have a look at it when he gets to stepping again. + +All the same, it begun to look to Ed like his accident wasn't being made +enough of. It come over him gradually. Of course he'd got to be an old +story round the hospital and people was beginning to duck when he started +talking. Then, after he got on crutches he'd hobble about the fatal spot, +pointing out his route to parties that would stay by him, and getting 'em +to walk over two hundred and thirty-five feet to where he was picked up +lifeless. And pretty soon even this outside trade fell off. And right +after that he begun to meet new trainmen and others that had never heard +a word about the accident and looked at him like they thought he was a +liar when he told the details. He was coming to be a grouchy nuisance +round Wallace. Even the doctor said he'd be glad when Ed got entirely +well again. + +Ed couldn't understand it. He must of thought the company should stop all +trains for five minutes every day at the hour of his mix-up, or at the +very least that the president of the road and the board of directors +ought to come down in a special car and have their pictures taken with +him; and a brass tablet should be put up on the ice house, showing where +his lifeless carcass was recovered. And of course they would send him +a solid gold engraved pass, good for life between all stations on all +divisions. But these proper attentions was being strangely withheld. So +far as Ed could see, the road had gone right on doing business as usual. + +He couldn't understand it at all. It seemed like he must be dreaming. He +wrote to Ben, who was still up the line, that this here fine report he +had made must of got lost; anyway, it seemed like the company had never +got round to reading it or they wouldn't have took things so placid. By +now he was pinning all his hopes to this report of Ben's if any justice +was going to be done him in this world. He'd tell parties who doubted +his story that he guessed they'd believe him fast enough if they ever +got an eye on Ben's report, which was made on the spot, and was so good +a report, though not hysterical, that it had drawn compliments from the +division superintendent. + +It occurs to him one day that he ought to have a copy of this report if +he is ever going to be set right before the world. He suspects crooked +work by this time. He suspects mebbe the company is keeping the thing +quiet on purpose, not wanting the public to know that such wonderful +accidents could happen to its faithful employees. So he talks to Charlie +Holzman, the conductor of Number 18, and wants to know would it be +possible to sneak this report of Ben's out of the files over at Tekoa. +Charlie says that wouldn't be possible, but he's going to lay over at +Tekoa the very next night and he'll be glad to make a copy of the report. + +Ed says he hates to keep Charlie setting up half the night writing, or +mebbe all night, because Ben has told him the report was a good one. +Charlie says he'll get help if necessary. Ed says get all the help +necessary and he'll pay the bill, and not to leave out even the longer +descriptive parts, because if it's as well written as Ben says it is he +may have it printed in a little volume for sending round to his friends. + +The next day Ed is sunning himself on the station platform when Number 18 +steams in. He's told a lot of people that Charlie is bringing this report +and he's aiming to read it aloud, just to show 'em what a man can pass +through and live to tell of it. Charlie swings down and hands him one +folded sheet of yellow paper. Ed says, what's the matter--couldn't he get +to copy the report? Charlie says the report is all there on that sheet, +every word of it. One sheet! And Ed had been expecting at least forty +pages of able narrative, even without hysteria. Even before he looks at +it Ed says there is crooked work somewhere. + +Then he read Ben's report. It didn't fill even the one sheet--not more +than half of it. It merely says: "Brakeman Steptoe had trouble holding +two cars of concentrates he was letting down from the Tiger-Poorman +mine at Burke. Cars ran to Wallace and left track. Steptoe thrown some +distance. Right leg and arm broken; left shoulder dislocated; head cut +some. Not serious." + +It was unbelievable; so Ed did the simple thing and didn't believe it. +Not for one minute! He says to Charlie Holzman: "Charlie, I know you're +honest; and, furthermore, you are a brother Moose. You've brought me +what's on file in that office; so now I know there's a conspiracy to hush +my accident up. I've thought so a long time--the way people acted round +here. Now I know it. Don't say a word; but I'm going to take it up with +Ben at once. Good old Ben! Won't he be in a frenzy when he finds this +paltry insult has been sneaked into the files in place of his report on +me!" So into the station he goes and wires Ben up the line to come there +at once on account of something serious. + +Ben gets in that night. He thought Ed must be dying and had got a +lay-off. He goes over to the hospital and is a mite disappointed to +find Ed ain't even worse, but is almost well and using only one crutch. + +Ed first makes sure no one can overhear, then tells Ben about this +conspiracy, showing him the false report that has been smuggled into the +files in place of the real one Ben had sent in. It takes Ben a couple of +minutes to get the idea of what Ed is so worked up over. But he finally +does get it. He then sweeps all ideas of a conspiracy out of Ed's mind +forever. He says his talk is all nonsense; that this here is the very +report he made, every word of it; and, as to that, if he had it to write +over again he could shorten it by at least six words, but he must of +been excited at the time. He says he has already told Ed that the Old +Man complimented him on it because he hadn't lost his head and got +hysterical, showing he had the makings of a good railroad man in him. And +what had Ed expected, anyway? Didn't he know that your superiors want the +simple facts in cases of this kind and no fancy work, wanting chiefly to +know about damage to the rolling stock and how long before the main line +will be open? Ed must be crazy, making him get a lay-off just for this! +Had he looked for some verses of poetry about his accident, or a novel? +Ben wasn't any novelist and wouldn't be one if you give him a chance. He +was just a brakeman, with a bright future before him. + +Ben was quite indignant himself by this time thinking of two days' pay +lost, and Ed could hardly believe his own ears. He just set there, +swelling up like a toad in a very feverish way. "But 'some distance,'" +says Ed in low tones of awe. "You say I was thrown 'some distance,' like +it was a casual remark. Is that any way to talk about a man hurled two +hundred and thirty-five feet from start to finish?--which I can prove +by the man that taped it. Why, any one would think them two cheap box +cars was the real heroes of this accident. No one would dream that a +precious human life was at stake. And 'Not serious!' And 'Head cut some!' +Great suffering cats! Was that any way to talk about a fellowman--not to +say a first cousin?" + +Ben was pretty mad himself now and swore right out--at least the only +oath he ever swears, which is "By doggie!" He says, by doggie, it ain't +his fault that Ed was so brittle! And, by doggie, he wasn't going to let +family affection interfere none with his career, because it wouldn't be +right by the children he hopes some day to be the father of! Then he got +his temper back and tried patiently to explain once more to Ed that what +a railroad company wants in such cases is facts and figures, and not +poetry--chiefly about the rolling stock. He says Ed can't expect a great +corporation, with heavy freight and passenger traffic, to take any deep +personal interest in the bone troubles of a mere brakeman. + +It was about here, I guess, that Ed's feelings must of overcome him. +He saw it was no use bandying words any more; so he started to do foul +murder. He committed several acts of frightfulness on Ben with his +crutch, seeming quite active for a cripple. Ben finally got out of range +and went and had some stitches took in his own scalp. He swore, by +doggie, he was through with that maniac forever! But he wasn't through. +Not by no means! + +Ed was now well enough to stand shipping; so he come down to Red Gap and +started to work. He couldn't get round with his machines yet; so he got a +new Home Queen and parked himself in the doorway of a vacant store and +made embroidered hat marks for the multitude at one dollar a throw. Yes, +sir; he congested traffic there on Fourth Street for about two weeks, +taking a strip of satin ribbon and embroidering people's initials on it, +so they could sew it in their hats and know whose hat it was. Hardly a +hat in town that didn't have one, with thrilled crowds looking on while +he done it. + +I begged him to take it easy and stay at my house till he was strong +again; but he wouldn't. He said he had to do something just to keep from +thinking. Of course the poor lollop had never been able to think under +any circumstances; but it sounded good. And, of course, he told me his +trouble. I don't believe he held back the least little thing from the +beginning of the accident down to the time he lammed Ben with his crutch. +He now blamed everything on Ben. He said neither the company nor any one +else could take his accident seriously after that lying report Ben put +in. No wonder there hadn't been any real excitement about it. He was +right bitter. + +"'Some distance' Ben says I was thrown. I should think it was some +distance! I'll bet it's farther than any other man was ever thrown on +their whole rotten system. And 'Not serious'! Great Jeeminetty! What +would have to happen to a person before he'd call it serious? Oh, I'll +make him take that back if ever I get to be the man I once was! The only +trouble with Ben is, he hasn't anything here and he hasn't anything +here"--Ed put his hand first on his head and next on his heart, to show +me where Ben hadn't got anything--"and that kind of trash may make fine +railroad men, but they hadn't ought to be classed with human beings. +Just wait till I get firmly knitted together again! You'll see! I'll +certainly interfere with that man's career a-plenty. 'Not serious!' He +won't make any such report about himself when I get through fussing with +him. He certainly does need handling--that Ben Steptoe." + +And so on for half an hour at a time, while he might be stitching G. W. +G. in purple letters on a strip of yellow satin ribbon. I used to stop on +purpose to hear some more about what he was going to do to Ben when he +got to be the man he once was. + +Pretty soon he had identified all the hats in Red Gap; so he moved over +to Colfax with his Home Queen, and then on to other towns. It was spring +again before he seemed to be the man he once was. He wrote me from Tekoa +that if I read in the papers about something sad happening to Ben I +wasn't to be alarmed, because, though it would be serious enough, it +would probably not prove fatal if he had skilled nursing. So I watched +the papers, but couldn't find any crime of interest. And a few days +later Ed come over to Red Gap again. He looked pretty good, except for +an overripe spot round his left eye. + +"Well, did you lick Ben?" I says. + +"No; Ben licked me," he says. + +I'd never heard such a simple and astounding speech from any man on earth +before. I started to find out what his excuse was--whether he wasn't in +good shape yet, or his foot slipped, or Ben took a coupling pin to him, +or something. But he didn't have a single word of excuse. He ought to of +been locked up in a glass case in a museum right there. He said he was in +fine shape and it had been a fair fight, and Ben had nearly knocked his +head off. + +I says what is he going to do now; and he says oh, he'll wait a while and +give Cousin Ben another go. + +I says: "Mebbe you can't lick Ben." + +He says: "Possibly so; but I can keep on trying. I have to protect my +honour, don't I?" + +That's how it seemed to the poor fish by this time--his honour! And I +knew he was going to keep on trying, like he had said. If he had made the +usual excuses that men put up when they've had the worst of it I'd of +known he'd been well licked, and once would be a-plenty. But, seeing that +he was probably the only man who had been honest under such conditions +since the world began, I had a feeling he would keep on. He was sure +going to annoy Ben from time to time, even if he didn't panic him much. +He was just as turbulent as ever. Now he went off and joined a circus, +being engaged to lecture in front of the side show about the world's +smallest midget, and Lulu the snake empress, and the sheep-headed twins +from Ecuador. And Ben could devote the whole summer to his career without +worry. I saw him over at Colfax one day. + +"Mark my words; that lad was never cut out for a railroad man," says Ben. +"He lets his emotions excite his head too much. Oh, I give him a good +talking to, by doggie! I says to him: 'Why, you poor little hopeless, +slant-headed, weak-minded idiot, you'--you know I always talk to Ed like +he was my own brother--'what did you expect?' I says. 'I'm quite sorry +for your injuries; but that was the first chance I'd ever had to make a +report and I couldn't write one of these continuous stories about you. +You ought to see that.' And what does he do but revile me for this +commonsense talk! Tightminded--that's what he is; self-headed, not to +say mulish, by doggie! And then pestering round me to have a fist +altercation till I had to give in to keep him quiet, though I'm not a +fighting character. I settled him, all right. I don't know where he is +now; but I hope he has three doctors at his bedside, all looking +doubtful. That little cuss always did contrary me." + +I told him Ed had gone with this circus side show. "Side show!" he says. +"That's just where he belongs. He ought to be setting right up with the +other freaks, because he's a worse freak than the living skeleton or a +lady with a full beard--that's what he is. And yet he's sane on every +subject but that. Sometimes he'll talk along for ten minutes as rational +as you or me; but let him hear the word accident and off he goes. But, +by doggie, he won't bother me again after what I give him back of the +Wallace freight shed." "He solemnly promised he would," I says, "when +I saw him last. He was still some turbulent." + +And he did bother Ben again, late that fall. When the circus closed he +travelled back a thousand miles in a check suit and a red necktie, just +to get another good licking. Ben must of been quite aggravated by that +time, for he wound up by throwing Ed into the crick in all his proud +clothes. + +Ed was just as honest about it as before. He says Ben licked him fair. +But it hadn't changed his mind. He felt that Ben's report had knocked +his just celebrity and he was still hostile. + +"Mebbe you can't lick Ben," I says to him again. "I can keep on doing my +endeavours," he says. "I had to come off in a friend of mine's coat +because my own was practically destroyed; but I'll be back again before +Ben has clumb very high on that ladder of his career." + +The adventurer was interned at my house for ten days, till his bruises +lost their purple glow and he looked a little less like a bad case of +erysipelas. Then he started out again, crazy as a loon! I didn't hear +from him for nearly two years. Then I got a letter telling about his +life of adventure down on the Border. It seems he'd got in with a good +capable stockman down there and they was engaged in the cattle business. +The business was to go over into Mexico, attracting as little notice as +possible, cut out a bunch of cattle, and drive 'em across into the land +of the free. Naturally what they sold for was clear profit. + +Ed said he was out for adventure and this had a-plenty. He said I +wouldn't believe how exciting it could be at times. He wanted to know +what Ben was promoted to by this time, and was he looking as hearty +as ever? Some day he was coming back and force Ben to set him right +before the world. + +About a year later he writes that the cattle business is getting too +tame. He's done it so much that all the excitement has gone. He says I +wouldn't believe how tame it can be, with hardly any risk of getting +shot. He says he wouldn't keep on running off these Mexican cattle if it +wasn't for the money in it; and, furthermore, it sometimes seems to him +when he's riding along in the beautiful still night, with only God's +stars for companions, that there's something about it that ain't right. + +But it's another year before he writes that he has disposed of his stock +interests and is coming North to lick Ben proper. He does come North. He +was correct to that extent. He outfitted at the Chicago Store in Tucson, +getting the best all-wool ready-made suit in Arizona, with fine fruit and +flower and vegetable effects, shading from mustard yellow to beet colour; +and patent-leather ties, with plaid socks--and so on. He stopped off at +Red Gap on his way up to do this outrage. His face was baked a rich red +brown; so I saw it wouldn't show up marks as legibly as when he was pale. + +He said Ben wasn't a right bad fellow and he had no personal grudge +against him, except he needed to have his head beat off on account of his +inhumanity. + +I told him Ben had worked up from yardmaster at Wallace to assistant +division superintendent at Tekoa, where he would probably find him; and I +wished him God-speed. + +He said he rejoiced to know of Ben's promotion, because he had probably +softened some, setting round an office. He promised to let me know the +result at once. He did. It was the same old result. The fight had gone a +few more rounds, I gathered, but Ed still gave the decision against +himself in the same conscientious way. He said Ben had licked him fair. +It was uncanny the way he took these defeats. No other human being but +would of made some little excuse. He came back in another suit and a bit +blemished in the face, and said Ben seemed to be getting a fair amount +of exercise in spite of his confining office duties; but--mark his +words--that indoor work would get him in time. He'd never seen a man yet +that could set at a desk all day and keep in shape to resent fighting +talk, even from a lighter man by twenty pounds. He said he might have to +wait till Ben was general manager, or something; but his day was coming, +and it would be nothing for Ben to cheer about when it got here. He now +once more drifted out over the high horizon, only one eye being much help +to him in seeing the way. + +Then Ben come down and had a wholehearted session with me. He said I +ought to have a talk with Ed and reason him out of his folly. I said Ed +would listen to a number of things, but not to reason. He said he knew +it; that the poor coot should be in some good institution right now, +where the state could look after him. He said he couldn't answer for the +consequences if Ed kept on in this mad way. He said here he was, climbing +up in his profession, and yet with this scandal in his private life that +might crop out any time and blast his career; and, by doggie, it was a +shame! He said it was hanging over him like a doom and sometimes he even +woke up in the night and wished he had made a different report about the +accident--one with a little hysterics or description in it, like this +maniac had seemed to crave. + +"It ain't that I can't lick him," says Ben--"I've proved that three +times; but having to do it every so often, which is beneath the dignity +of a high railroad official. I might as well be a common rowdy and be +done with it, by doggie! And no telling what will happen if he don't get +his mind back. The little devil is an awful scrapper. I noticed it more +than ever this last time. One of these times he might get me. He might +get me good." + +"You better let him, then," I says, "and have it over. That's the only +thing which will ever stop him. You take a man that says he was licked +fair, but still keeps at it, and he's deadly. Next time he comes along +you lay down after making a decent resistance. Then he'll probably be +your friend for life, especially if you tell him you been thinking about +his accident and it now seems like the most horrible accident that ever +happened to man." + +It was the most encouragement I could give and he went off gloomy. Ben +was certainly one conscientious objector. + +Nothing come from Ed for over a year. Then he writes that he has give up +the cattle business for good, because Mexico is in a state of downright +anarchy and he has been shot through the shoulder. He put it well. He +said he had been shot from ambush by a cowardly Mexican and I wouldn't +believe how lawless that country was. So now he was going to take up +mining in God's own country, where a man could get a square deal if he +kept out of railroading. And was Ben keeping up his exercise? + +He stayed under the surface for about three years. Neither Ben nor I +heard a word from him. I told Ben it was many chances to one that he had +gone under at the hands of someone that wanted to keep his cattle or his +mine or something. Ben looked solemn and relieved at this suggestion. He +said if the Grim Reaper had done its work, well and good! Life was full +of danger for the best of us, with people dropping off every day or so; +and why should Ed have hoped to be above the common lot? + +But the very next week comes a letter from the deceased wanting to know +whether Ben has been promoted some more and how he is looking by this +time. Is he vigorous and hearty, or does office work seem to be sapping +his vitality? It was the same old Ed. He goes on to say that the reason +he writes is that the other night in Globe, Arizona, he licked a man in +the Miners' Rest saloon that looked enough like Ben to be his twin; not +only looked the image of him but had his style of infighting. And he +had licked him right and made him quit. He said the gent finally fled, +going through the little swinging doors with such force that they kept +swinging for three minutes afterward. So now is the time for him to come +up and have another go at Ben. + +Of course he ain't superstitious, but it does seem like Providence has +taken this means of pointing out the time to him. But he is in reduced +circumstances at this moment, owing to complications it would take too +long to explain; so will I lend him about two hundred and fifty dollars +to make the trip on? And he will have Ben off his mind forever and be +able to settle down to some life work. Just as sane as ever--Ed was. + +I sent the letter to Ben, not wishing him to rest in false security. +But I wrote Ed firmly that I couldn't see my money's worth in his +proposition. I told him Ben was keeping in splendid condition, having +the glow of health in his cheeks and a grip like an osteopath, and I'd +be darned if I was going to back a three-time loser in the same old +fight. I said he wasn't the only sensitive person in the world. I was +a little fussy myself about what people might think of my judgment. And +I gave him some good advice which was to forget his nonsense and settle +down to something permanent before he died of penury. + +He wrote a kind, forgiving answer. He said he couldn't blame me for +turning against him after his repeated failures to lick Ben, but his +nature was one I should never understand. He said he would amass the +money by slow grinding toil, and when he next come North and got through +handling Ben I would be the very first to grasp him by the hand and +confess that I had wronged him. It was as nutty a letter as Ed ever +wrote; which is some tribute. I sent it on to Ben and I believe it was +right after that he ordered one of these exercising machines put up in +his bedroom, with a book showing how to become a Greek god by pulling +the weights five minutes, morning and evening. + +But this time come silence so long that I guess even Ben forgot he had +a doom hanging above his head by a single hair. I know I did. Let's +see. It must of been a good five years before I hear from Ed again. It +was another hard-luck letter. He had just worked a whole season for a +contractor that blew up and left him with one span of mules in place of +his summer's wages; which was a great disappointment, because he had been +looking forward to an active reunion with Ben. How was Ben, anyway? And +did he show the ravages of time? + +And no one had wanted these mules, because they was inferior mules; but +when he was on the point of shooting them to stop their feed bill along +come two men that had a prospect over in the Bradshaw Mountains and +offered him a one third interest in it for his span. So he had sawed the +mules off onto these poor dubs and told 'em all right about the third +interest in their claim, and forget it; but they insisted on his taking +it. So he did, and was now working in the B.&.B. store at Prescott, +selling saddles and jewellery and molasses and canned fruit and lumber, +and such things. He didn't care much for the life, but it was neck-meat +or nothing with him now. + +No wonder these men that cheated him out of his mules had made him take a +third interest in their claim. It was now taking all his salary to pay +assessments and other expenses on it. But he was trying to trade this +third interest off for something that wouldn't be a burden to him; then +he should have a chance to put his money by and come up to give Ben what +he was sooner or later bound to get if there was a just God in Heaven. +He spoke as freshly about Ben as if his trouble had begun the day before. +You wouldn't think twelve years had gone by. He was now saying Ben had +put a stigma on him. It had got to be a stigma by this time, though he +probably hadn't any idea what a stigma really is. He'd read it somewhere. + +Then the waves closed over the injured man for about three years more. +This time it looked as if he'd gone down for good, stigma and all. Ben +thought the same. He said it was a great relief not to be looking forward +any more to these brutal affrays that Ed insisted on perpetrating. And +high time, too, because he was now in line for general manager, and how +would it look for him to be mixed up in brawls? + +And everything was serene till the papers broke out into headlines about +a big strike made in the Bradshaw Mountains of Arizona by three partners, +of whom one was named Steptoe. They seemed to have found all the valuable +minerals in that claim of theirs except platinum. Ben tried first to +believe it was someone else named Steptoe; but no such luck. We read that +a half interest in the property had been sold to an Eastern syndicate for +three million dollars and a company organized of which Edward J. Steptoe +was president. + +"It may be all for the best, anyway," Ben says to me. "Now that he's a +big mining man he'll probably have other aims in life than being a thug." + +You could see he was hoping to make a separate peace with the new +millionaire, who would forget the grudge of his old days when he had +to work for what he got, or at least run the risk of getting shot for +it. But I wasn't so sure. I reminded Ben that Ed had never yet done +anything you'd think a human being would do, so why expect him to begin +now, when he had abundant leisure? I advised him to give deep thought to +the matter of his defense, and if the battle went against him to withdraw +to a position previously prepared, like the war reports say. Ben said a +few warm things about Ed, by doggie, that no cousin ought to say of +another cousin, and went off, hoping against hope. + +And, sure enough, Ed came promptly to the front. It seems he waited +only long enough to get a new suit and an assorted lot of the snappiest +diamond jewellery he could find. Then he wired me he was coming to right +the wrongs of a lifetime. Reaching San Francisco, it occurred to him +that he could put it all over Ben in another way that would cut him +to the heart; so he there chartered the largest, goldest, and most +expensive private car on the market, having boudoirs and shower baths +and conservatories and ballrooms, and so on; something that would make +Ben's dinky little private car look like a nester's shack or a place for +a construction gang to bunk in. And in this rolling palace Ed invaded +our peaceful country, getting lots of notice. The papers said this new +mining millionaire was looking us over with an eye to investment in our +rich lands. Little they knew he merely meant to pull off a brutal fist +altercation with a prominent railroad official that was somewhat out of +condition. + +Ben was one worried man, especially after he heard of Ed's private car. +It was one thing to lick an exbrakeman, but entirely different to have +an affray with a prominent capitalist that come after you regardless of +expense. Furthermore, this was the time for the annual tour of inspection +by the officers of the road, and they was now on the way to Ben's +division, with him hoping to create a fine impression by showing his +miracles of management. And here was Ed, meaning to start something +scandalous at sight! No wonder Ben lost his nerve and tried to run out +on his antagonist. He was trying to put it off at least till after his +officials had come and gone. + +So for six days he kept about thirty miles of standard-gauge track +between his car and Ed's. Ed would get word that he was at such a +station and have his car dropped there, only to find that Ben had gone +on. Ed would follow on the next train, or mebbe hire a special engine; +and Ben would hide off on some blind spur track. They covered the whole +division about three times without clashing, thanks to Ben's superior +information bureau; it being no trick at all to keep track of this +wheeled apartment house of Ed's. + +Ed couldn't understand it at first. Here he'd come up to lick Ben, and +Ben was acting queer about it. Ed would send messages every day wanting +to know when and where he could have a nice quiet chat with Ben that +would not be interfered with by bystanders; and Ben would wire back that +his time wasn't his own and company business was keeping him on the jump, +but as soon as this rush was over he would arrange an interview; and kind +regards, and so on. Or he might say he would be at some station all the +following day; which would be a clumsy falsehood, because he was at that +moment pulling out, as Ed would find when he got there. The operating +department must of thought them a couple of very busy men, wanting so +much to meet, yet never seeming able to get together. + +Ed got peeved at last by the way Ben was putting him off. It wasn't +square and it wasn't businesslike. He had large mining interests in +charge and here was Ben acting like he had all summer to devote just to +this one little matter. He called Ben's attention to this by telegraph, +but Ben continued to be somewhere else from where he said he was going +to be. + +After a week of this pussy-wants-a-corner stuff Ed got wise that the +thing had come to be a mere vulgar chase, and that his private car was +hampering him by being so easy to keep track of. So he disguised himself +by taking off his diamond ornaments and leaving his private car at +Colfax, and started out to stalk Ben as a common private citizen in a +day coach. He got results that way, Ben supposing he was still with his +car. After a couple of scouting trips up and down the line he gets +reliable word that Ben, with his bunch of high officials, is over at +Wallace. + +So much the better, thinks Ed. It will be fine to have this next +disturbance right on the spot where a great wrong was done him fifteen +years before. So he starts for Wallace, wiring for his car to follow him +there. He'd found this car poor for the bloodhound stuff, but he wanted +Ben to have a good look at it and eat his heart out with envy, either +before or after what was going to happen to him. + +He gets to Wallace on the noon train and finds that Ben with his +officials has gone up the canon, past Burke, on the president's private +car, to return in about an hour. After Ed's inquiries the agent kindly +wires up to Ben that his cousin from Arizona is waiting for him. Ed +spends the time walking round Ben's shabby little private car and +sneering at it. He has his plans all made, now that he has run his man +to earth. He won't pull anything rough before the officials, but about +twenty miles out on the line is a siding with a shipping corral beside +it and nothing else in sight but vistas. They'll get an engine to run +the two cars out there that night and leave 'em, and everything can be +done decently and in order. No hurry and no worry and no scandal. + +Ed is just playing the coming fight over in his mind for the fifth time, +correcting some of his blows here and there, when he hears a whistle up +the canon and in comes the special. The officials pile off and Ben comes +rushing up to Ed with a glad smile and effusive greetings and hearty +slaps on the back; and how is everything, old man?--and so on--with a +highly worried look lurking just back of it all; and says what rare +good luck to find Ed here, because he's the very man they been talking +about all the way down from Burke. + +Ed says if they come down as fast as he did one time they didn't get a +chance to say much about him; but Ben is introducing him to the president +of the road and the general manager and the chief engineer and three or +four directors, and they all shake hands with him till it seems like +quite a reception. The president says is this really the gentleman who +has made that last big strike in Arizona! And if it is he knows something +still more interesting about him, because he has just listened to a most +remarkable tale of his early days as a brakeman on this very line. Their +division superintendent has been telling of his terrific drop down the +canon and his incredible flight through the air of three hundred and +thirty-five feet. + +"How far did he say I was hurled?" says Ed, and the president again says +three hundred and thirty-five feet, which was a hundred more than Ed had +ever claimed; so he looks over at Ben pretty sharp. + +Ben is still talking hurriedly about the historic accident, saying that +in all his years of railroad experience he never heard of anything +approaching it, and if they will step up the track a piece he will show +them just where the cars left the rails. Ben must of done a lot of quick +thinking that day. He had the bunch over to see the exact spot, and they +all stood and looked over to the ice house and said it was incredible; +and a director from Boston said it was perfectly preposterous; really +now! And Ben kept on reciting rapidly about the details. He said Ed had +come down the seven miles in less than three minutes, which was lopping +a minute and a half off the official time; and that when picked up he +hadn't a whole bone left in his body, which was also a lie; and that +his cousin never could of survived if he hadn't probably had the most +marvellous constitution a man was ever endowed with. He then made the +bunch go over to the ice house to see the other exact spot, and they +looked back to where he started from, and again said it was incredible +and preposterous. + +I don't know. Mebbe they wouldn't of thought it preposterous that a mere +brakeman was hurled that far, but Ed was a capitalist now. Anyway, the +president had him into his car for lunch with the party, and they might +possibly of got to talking about other things of less importance, but Ben +wouldn't have any thing else. He made 'em insist that Ed should tell his +version of the whole thing; how he felt when the cars started, and how +the scenery was blurred, and how his whole past life flashed before him, +and the last thing he remembered before he hit the sawdust. And Ben set +there looking so proud of Ed, like a mother having her little tot recite +something. And when Ed had finally lit, Ben made him tell about his slow +recovery. And after Ed got himself well again Ben would go back to the +start and ask for more details, such as whether he hadn't wanted to jump +off on the way down, or whether he had been conscious while going through +the air for nearly four hundred feet. + +Ed got little food; but much he cared! He'd come into his own at last. +And suddenly he was surprised by finding a warm glow in his heart for +Ben, especially after Ben had said for about the third time: "I was +certainly a green hand in those days; so green that I didn't begin to +realize what a whale of an occurrence this was." Ed was getting a new +light on Ben. + +After lunch Ed's own car got in from Colfax and he had the party over +there for cigars and more talk about himself, which was skillfully led +by Ben. Then the president invited Ed to hitch his car on and come along +with them for a little trip, and talk over mining and investments, and +so on, and what the outlook was in the Southwest. So Ed went with 'em +and continued to hear talk of his accident. Ben would bring it up and +harp back to it, and bring it forward and sandwich it in whenever the +conversation had an open moment. It was either the wild thoughts Ed must +of had sliding down the canon, or the preposterous constitution he had +been endowed with, or the greenness of himself for not recognizing it as +the prize accident of the ages. And I don't wonder Ben went on that way +for the next two days. He knew what a tenacious idiot Ed was, and that he +had come miles out of his way to try something he had often tried before. +The most he could hope for was to stave off the collision till his +officials got away. + +And it looked, the second night, like he wasn't going to be able to do +even this much. He'd been detecting cold looks from Ed all day, in spite +of his putting on another record about the accident every ten minutes or +so. They was laid out at some little station, and just before dinner Ed +give Ben the office that he wanted a word private with him. Ben thinks to +himself it's coming now in spite of all his efforts to smooth it over. +But he leaves the car with Ed and they walk a piece up the track, Ben +hoping they can make the lee of a freight car before Ed starts his crime +of violence. He makes up his mind quick. If Ed jumps him there in the +open he will certainly do his best to win the contest. But if he waits +till they get this freight car between them and the public, then he will +let Ed win the fight and get the scandal out of his life forever. + +Ben walks quite briskly, but Ed begins to slow up when they ain't more +than a hundred yards from the president's car. Finally Ed stops short. + +"The little foci is going to pull the fight here in the open!" thinks +Ben; so he gets ready to do his best. + +Then Ed says: + +"Say, Ben, what's the matter with you, anyway? Are you losing your mind? +It ain't so much on my account; I could make allowance for you. But +here's these officials of yours, and you want to make a good impression +on 'em; instead of which you are making yourself the grandest bore that +ever needed strangling for continuous talk on one subject." + +Ben didn't get him yet. He says come on up the other side of them freight +cars, where they can be more private for their consultation. + +Ed says no; this is far enough to tell him for his own good not to be +such a bore; an' Ben says how is he a bore? + +"A bore?" says Ed. "Why, for forty-eight hours you ain't been able to +talk about anything but that stale old accident of mine, and you got me +so sick of it I could jump on you every time you begin. You got everybody +in the party sick of it. Don't you see how they all try to get away from +you? For the Lord's sake, can't you think up something else to talk about +now and then--at least for five minutes, just to give your silly chatter +a little different flavour? I never been so sick of anything in my life +as I am of this everlasting prattle of yours about something that was +over and forgotten fifteen long years ago! What's got into you to keep +dragging that accident up out of the dead past that way? Anyway, you +better cut it out. I have to listen because you're my cousin; but these +officials don't. Your next pay check is liable to be your last on this +road if you don't think up some other kind of gossip. Darned if it don't +seem like you had been getting weak-minded in your old age!" + +Ben had got his bearings by this time. He apologized warmly to Ed; he +said it was true this magnificent catastrophe had lately taken possession +of his mind, but now that he finds Ed is so sensitive about it he'll try +to keep it out of his talk, and he hopes Ed won't cherish hard feelings +against him. + +Ed says no, he won't cherish anything if Ben will only quit his loathsome +gushing about the accident; and Ben says he will quit. And so they shook +hands on it. + +That's the way the feud ended. The champion grudge hoarder of the +universe had been dosed to a finish with his own medicine. It showed Ben +has a weakness for diplomacy; kind of an iron hand in a velvet glove, or +something. + +Ed is still a nut, though. There was a piece in a Sunday paper not long +ago about this new mining millionaire. He spoke some noble words to the +youth of our land. He said young American manhood could still make its +fortune in this glorious country of opportunity by strict attention to +industry and good habits and honest dealing and native pluck--him that +had had these mules forced on him in the first place, and then his +interest in this claim forced on him for the mules, and then hadn't +been able to get shut of the claim. Ain't it lovely how men will dig up +a license to give themselves all credit for hog luck they couldn't help! + +Ma Pettengill busied herself with a final cigarette and remarked that she +never knew when to stop talking. Some parties did, but not her; and she +having to be up and on the way to Horsefly Mountain by six-thirty in the +A.M.! Her last apology was for a longing she had not been able to +conquer: She couldn't help a debased wish to know how that last fight +would of come out. + +"Of course it ain't nice to want men to act like the brutes," said the +lady. "Still, I can't help wondering; not that I'm inquisitive, but just +out of curiosity." + + + + +V + +ONE ARROWHEAD DAY + + +It began with the wonted incitement to murder. A wooden staff projects +some five feet above the topmost roof peak of the Arrowhead ranch house, +and to this staff is affixed a bell of brazen malignity. At five-thirty +each morning the cord controlling this engine of discord is jerked +madly and forever by Lew Wee, our Chinese chef. It is believed by those +compelled to obey the horrid summons that this is Lew Wee's one moment +of gladness in a spoiled life. The sound of the noon bell, the caressing +call of the night bell--these he must know to be welcome. The morning +clangour he must know to be a tragedy of foulest import. It is undeniably +rung with a keener relish. There will be some effort at rhythm with the +other bells, but that morning bell jangles in a broken frenzy of clangs, +ruthlessly prolonged, devilish to the last insulting stroke. Surely one +without malice could manage this waking bell more tactfully. + +A reckless Chinaman, then, takes his life in his hands each morning at +five-thirty. Something like a dozen men are alarmed from deep sleep to +half-awakened incredulity, in which they believe the bell to be a dream +bell and try to dream on of something noiseless. Ten seconds later these +startled men have become demons, with their nice warm feet on the icy +floor of the bunk-house, and with prayers of simple fervour that the +so-and-so Chink may be struck dead while his hand is still on the +rope. This prayer is never answered; so something like a dozen men +dress hurriedly and reach the Arrowhead kitchen hurriedly, meaning to +perform instantly there a gracious deed which Providence has thus far +unaccountably left undone. + +That the Arrowhead annals are, as yet, unspiced with a crime of violence +is due, I consider, to Lew Wee's superb control of his facial muscles. +His expression when he maniacally yanks the bell cord is believed by +his victims to be one of hellish glee; so they eagerly seek each morning +for one little remaining trace of this. The tiniest hint would suffice. +But they encounter only a rather sad-faced, middle-aged Chinaman, with +immovable eyes and a strained devotion to delicate tasks, of whom it is +impossible to believe that ever a ray of joy gladdened his life. + +There is a secondary reason why the spirit of Lew Wee has not long since +been disembodied by able hands: His static Gorgon face stays the first +murderous impulse; then his genial kitchen aroma overpowers their higher +natures and the deed of high justice is weakly postponed. This genial +kitchen aroma is warm, and composed cunningly from steaming coffee and +frying ham or beef, together with eggs and hot cakes almost as large +as the enamelled iron plates from which they are eaten. It is no +contemptible combination on a frosty morning. No wonder strong men +forget the simple act of manslaughter they come there to achieve and +sit sullenly down to be pandered to by him who was erst their torturer. + +On a morning in late May, when I had been invited to fare abroad with +my hostess, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill--who would breakfast in her +own apartment--I joined this assemblage of thwarted murderers as they +doggedly ate. It is a grim business, that ranch breakfast. Two paling +lamps struggle with the dawn, now edging in, and the half light is held +low in tone by smoke from the cake griddle, so that no man may see +another too plainly. But no man wishes to see another. He stares dully +into his own plate and eats with stern aversion. We might be so many +strangers in a strange place, aloof, suspicious, bitter, not to say +truculent. + +No quip or jest will lighten the gloom. Necessary requests for the +sugar or the milk or the stewed apples are phrased with a curtly +formal civility. We shall be other men at noon or at night, vastly +other, sunnier men, with abundance of quip and jest and playful sally +with the acid personal tang. But from warm beds of repose! We avoid +each other's eyes, and one's subdued "please pass that sirup pitcher!" +is but tolerated like some boorish profanation of a church service. + +The simple truth, of course, is that this is the one hour of the day +when we are face to face with the evil visage of life unmasked; our +little rosy illusions of yestereve are stale and crumpled. Not until we +are well out in the sun, with the second cigarette going good, shall we +again become credulous about life and safe to address. It is no meal to +linger over. We grimly rise from the wrecked table and clatter out. + +Only one of us--that matchless optimist, Sandy Sawtelle--sounds a flat +note in the symphony of disillusion. His humanness rebounds more quickly +than ours, who will not fawn upon life for twenty minutes yet. Sandy +comes back to the table from the hook whence he had lifted his hat. He +holds aloft a solitary hot cake and addresses Lew Wee in his best +Anglo-Chinese, and with humorous intent: + +"I think take-um hot cake, nail over big knot hole in bunk-house--last +damn long time better than sheet iron!" + +Swiftly departing pessimists accord no praise or attention to this +ill-timed sketch; least of all Lew Wee, who it is meant to insult. +His face retains the sad impassivity of a granite cliff as yet beyond +the dawn. + +Now I am out by the saddle rack under the poplars, where two horses +are tied. Ma Pettengill's long-barrelled roan is saddled. My own +flea-bitten gray, Dandy Jim, is clad only in the rope by which he was +led up from the caviata. I approach him with the respectful attention +his reputed character merits and try to ascertain his mood of the +moment. He is a middle-aged horse, apparently of sterling character, +and in my presence has always conducted himself as a horse should. But +the shadow of scandal has been flung athwart him. I have been assured +that he has a hideous genius for cinch binding. Listening at first +without proper alarm, it has been disclosed to me that a cinch binder +ain't any joke, by a darned sight! A cinch binder will stand up straight +and lean over backward on me. If I'm there when he hits the ground I'll +wish I wasn't--if I am able to wish anything at all and don't simply have +to be shipped off to wherever my family wants it to take place. + +I am further enlightened: Dandy Jim ain't so likely to start acting if +not saddled when too cold. If I saddle him then he will be expecting to +have more fun out of it than I have any right to. But if the sun is well +up, why, sometimes a baby could handle him. So for three weeks I have +saddled Dandy Jim with the utmost circumspection and with the sun well +up. Now the sun is not well up. Shall I still survive? I pause to wish +that the range of high hills on the east may be instantly levelled. The +land will then be worth something and the sun will be farther up. But +nothing of a topographical nature ensues. The hills remain to obscure the +sun. And the brute has to be saddled. The mood of that grim breakfast, +voiceless, tense, high with portent, is still upon me. + +I approach and speak harshly to the potential cinch binder, telling him +to get over there! He does not; so I let it pass. After all, he is only +a horse. Why should I terrorize him? I bridle him with a manner far from +harsh. He doesn't like the taste of the bit--not seasoned right, or +something. But at last he takes it without biting my fingers off; which +shows that the horse has no mind to speak of. + +I look him calmly in the eye for a moment; then pull his head about, so +that I can look him calmly in the other eye for a moment. This is to show +the animal that he has met his master and had better not try any of that +cinch-binding stuff if he knows when he's well off. Still, I treat him +fairly. I smooth his back of little vegetable bits that cling there, +shake out the saddle blanket and tenderly adjust it. Whistling carelessly +I swing up the saddle. Dandy Jim flinches pitifully when it rests upon +him and reaches swiftly round to bite my arm off. I think this is quite +perfunctory on his part. He must have learned long since that he will +never really bite any one's arm off. His neck is not enough like a +swan's. + +I adjust saddle and blanket carefully from both sides, pulling the +blanket well up under the horn of the saddle and making sure that +it sets comfortably. One should be considerate of the feelings of a +dumb beast placed at one's mercy. Then I reach for the cinch, pass it +twice through the rings, and delicately draw it up the merest trifle. +Dandy Jim shudders and moans pathetically. He wishes to convey the +impression that his ribs have been sprung. This, of course, is +nonsense. I measureably increase the pressure. Dandy Jim again +registers consternation, coughs feebly, and rolls his eyes round +appealingly, as if wondering whether the world is to sit, without +heart, and watch a poor defenseless horse being slain. He is about +to expire. + +I now lead him gently about by the bridle. It occurs to me that a horse +with this curious mania for binding cinches or cinching binders--or, +in other words, a cinch binder--will be as willing to indulge in his +favourite sport with the saddle unoccupied as otherwise. He may like +it even better with no one up there; and I know I will. Nothing happens, +except that Dandy Jim stumbles stiffly and pretends to be lame. The +sun is not yet well up; still, it is a lot better. Perhaps danger for +the day is over. I again lead the dangerous beast-- + +"What you humouring that old skate for?" + +Ma Pettengill, arrayed in olive-drab shirt and breeches, leather puttees, +and the wide-brimmed hat of her calling with the four careful dents in +the top, observed me with friendly curiosity as she ties a corduroy coat +to the back of her saddle. + +Hereupon I explained my tactful handling of the reputed cinch binder. It +evoked the first cheerful sound I had heard that day: + +Ma Pettengill laughed heartily. + +"That old hair trunk never had the jazz to be any cinch binder. Who told +you he was?" + +I named names--all I could remember. Almost everyone on the ranch had +passed me the friendly warning, and never had I saddled the brute without +a thrill. + +"Sure! Them chuckleheads always got to tell everybody something. It's +a wonder they ain't sent you in to the Chink to borrow his meat auger, +or out to the blacksmith shop for a left-handed monkey wrench, or +something. Come on!" + +So that was it! Just another bit of stale ranch humour--alleged +humour--as if it could be at all funny to have me saddle this wreck +with the tenderest solicitude morning after morning! + +"Just one moment!" I said briskly. + +I think Dandy Jim realized that everything of a tender nature between +us was over. Some curious and quite charming respect I had been wont +to show him was now gone out of my manner. He began to do deep breathing +exercises before I touched the cinch. I pulled with the strength of a +fearless man. Dandy Jim forthwith inflated his chest like a gentleman +having his photograph taken in a bathing suit. I waited, apparently +foiled. I stepped back, spoke to Ma Pettengill of the day's promise, +and seemed carelessly to forget what I was there for. Slowly Dandy Jim +deflated himself; and then, on the fair and just instant, I pulled. +I pulled hard and long. The game was won. Dandy Jim had now the waist +of that matron wearing the Sveltina corset, over in the part of the +magazine where the stories die away. I fearlessly bestrode him and +the day was on. + +I opened something less than a hundred gates, so that we could take our +way through the lower fields. Ma Pettengill said she must see this here +Tilton and this here Snell, and have that two hundred yards of fence +built like they had agreed to, as man to man; and no more of this here +nonsense of putting it off from day to day. + +She was going to talk straight to them because, come Thursday, she had +to turn a herd of beef cattle into that field. + +Then I opened a few dozen more gates and we were down on the flats. +Here the lady spied a coyote, furtively skirting some willows on our +left. So, for a few merry miles, we played the game of coyote. It is +a simple game to learn, but requires a trained eye. When one player +sees a coyote the other becomes indebted to him in the sum of one dollar. + +This sport dispelled the early morning gloom that had beset me. I won +a dollar almost immediately. It may have been the same coyote, as my +opponent painfully suggested; but it showed at a different breach in +the willows, and I was firm. + +Then the game went fiercely against me. Ma Pettengill detected coyotes +at the far edges of fields--so far that I would have ignored them for +jack rabbits had I observed them at all. I claimed an occasional +close one; but these were few. The outlook was again not cheering. It was +an excellent morning for distant coyotes, and presently I owed Mrs. +Lysander John Pettengill seven dollars, she having won two doubleheaders +in succession. This ride was costing me too much a mile. Being so utterly +outclassed I was resolving to demand a handicap, but was saved from this +ignominy by our imminent arrival at the abode of this here Tilton, who +presently sauntered out of a feeding corral and chewed a straw at us +idly. + +We soon took all that out of him. The air went something like this: + + * * * * * + +MRS. L. J. P.--brightly: Morning, Chester! Say, look here! About that gap +in the fence across Stony Creek field--I got to turn a beef herd in there +Thursday. + +TILTON--crouching luxuriously on one knee still chewing the straw: Well, +now, about that little job--I tell you, Mis' Pett'ngill; I been kind o' +holdin' off account o' Snell bein' rushed with his final plowin'. He +claims-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--still brightly: Oh, that's all right! Snell will be over +there, with his men, to-morrow morning at seven o'clock. He said you'd +have to be there, too. + +TILTON--alarmed, he rises, takes straw from his mouth, examines the +chewed end with dismay and casts it from him; removes his hat, looks at +this dubiously, burnishes it with a sleeve, and sighs: To-morrow +morning! You don't mean to-morrow-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--carefully yet rapidly: To-morrow morning at seven o'clock. +You don't want to throw Snell down on this; and he's going to be there. +How many men can you take? + +TILTON--dazed: Now--now lemme see! + +MRS. L. J. P.--quickly: You can take Chris and Shorty and Jake and +yourself. Any one else? + +TILTON--swept over the falls: Why, no'm; I don't guess there's any other +I could spare, account of-- + +MRS. L. J. P.--almost sweetly: All right, then. To-morrow; seven sharp. + +TILTON--from the whirlpool, helplessly: Yes'm! Yes'm! + +MRS. L. J. P.: Morning! + + * * * * * + +We ride on. Tilton fades back toward the corral; he has forgotten to +replace his hat. + +I now decided to make a little conversation rather than have the stupid +and ruinous game of coyote for a pastime. + +"I thought you hadn't seen Snell yet." + +"I haven't; not since he promised his half of the job two weeks ago." + +"But you just told Tilton--" + +"Well, Snell is going to be there, ain't he?" + +"How do you know?" + +"I'm going to tell him now." + +And the woman did even so. If you wish the scene with Snell go back and +read the scene with Tilton, changing the names. Nothing else need you +change. Snell was hitching two mules to a wood wagon; but he heard the +same speeches and made approximately the same replies. And the deed was +done. + +"There now!" boomed Mrs. Talleyrand as we rode beyond earshot of the +dazed and lingering Snell. "Them two men been trying for two weeks to +agree on a day to do this trifling job. They wasn't able; so I agreed on +a day myself. Anything wrong with it?" + +"You said you were going to talk straight to them." + +"Ain't I just talked straight to Snell? Tilton will be there, won't he?" + +"How about the way you talked to Tilton before you saw Snell?" + +"Well, my lands! How you talk! You got to have a foundation to build on, +haven't you?" + +I saw it as a feat beyond my prowess to convict this woman in her own +eyes of a dubious and considering veracity. So I merely wondered, in +tones that would easily reach her, how the gentlemen might relish her +diplomacy when they discovered it on the morrow. I preceded the word +diplomacy with a slight and very affected cough. + +The lady replied that they would never discover her diplomacy, not +coughing in the least before the word. She said each of them would be +so mad at the other for setting a day that they would talk little. They +would simply build fence. She added that a woman in this business had +to be looking for the worst of it all the time. She was bound to get +the elbow if she didn't use her common sense. + +I ignored her casuistry, for she was now rolling a cigarette with an air +of insufferable probity. I gave her up and played a new game of smashing +horseflies as they settled on my mount. Dandy Jim plays the game ably. +When a big fly settles on his nose he holds his head round so I can reach +it. He does not flinch at the terrific smash of my hat across his face. +If a fly alights on his neck or shoulder, and I do not remark it, he +turns his head slightly toward me and winks, so I can stalk and pot it. +He is very crafty here. If the fly is on his right side he turns and +winks his left eye at me so the insect will not observe him. And yet +there are people who say horses don't reason. + +I now opened fifty more gates and we left the cool green of the fields +for a dusty side road that skirts the base of the mesa. We jogged along +in silence, which I presently heard stir with the faint, sweet strain of +a violin; an air that rose and wailed and fell again, on a violin played +with a certain back-country expertness. The road bent to show us its +source. We were abreast of the forlorn little shack of a dry-farmer, +weathered and patched, set a dozen yards from the road and surrounded +by hard-packed earth. Before the open door basked children and pigs and +a few spiritless chickens. + +All the children ran to the door when we halted and called to someone +within. The fiddle played on with no faltering, but a woman came +out--a gaunt and tattered woman who was yet curiously cheerful. The +children lurked in her wake as she came to us and peered from beyond +her while we did our business. + +Our business was that the redskin, Laura, official laundress of the +Arrowhead, had lately attended an evening affair in the valley at which +the hitherto smart tipple of Jamaica ginger had been supplanted by a +novel and potent beverage, Nature's own remedy for chills, dyspepsia, +deafness, rheumatism, despair, carbuncles, jaundice, and ennui. Laura had +partaken freely and yet again of this delectable brew, and now suffered +not only from a sprained wrist but from detention, having suffered arrest +on complaint of the tribal sister who had been nearest to her when she +sprained her wrist. Therefore, if Mrs. Dave Pickens wanted to come over +to-morrow and wash for us, all right; she could bring her oldest girl to +help. + +Mrs. Dave thereupon turned her head languidly toward the ignoble dwelling +and called: "Dave!" Then again, for the fiddle stayed not: "Dave! Oh, +Dave!" + +The fiddle ceased to moan--complainingly it seemed to me--and Dave framed +his graceful figure in the doorway. He was one appealing droop, from his +moustache to his moccasin-clad feet. He wore an air of elegant leisure, +but was otherwise not fussily arrayed. + +"Dave, Mis' Pett'ngill says there's now a day's washin' to do over to her +place to-morrow. What think?" + +Dave deliberated, then pondered, then thought, then spoke: + +"Well, I d'no', Addie; I d'no' as I got any objections if you ain't. +I d'no' but it's all the same to me." + +Hereupon we meanly put something in Dave's unsuspecting way, too. + +"You must want a day's work yourself," called out Ma Pettengill. "You go +up to Snell's about six in the morning and he'll need you to help do some +fencing on that gap in Stony Creek field. If he don't need you Tilton +will. One of 'em is bound to be short a man." + +"Fencin'?" said Dave with noticeable disrelish. + +"You reckon we better both leave the place at once?" suggested Mrs. Dave. + +"That's so," said Dave brightly. "Mebbe I--" + +"Nonsense!" boomed Ma Pettengill, dispelling his brightness. "Addie +can drop you at Snell's when she comes over to Arrowhead. Now that's +settled!" + +And we rode off as unvoiced expostulations were gathering. I began to +wonder whether it must, throughout a beautiful day, be the stern mission +of this woman to put tribulation upon her neighbours. She was becoming a +fell destroyer. The sun was well up. I thirsted. Also, breakfast seemed +to have been a thing in the remote past. + +We now rode three torrid miles up a narrow green slit in the hills +for a scant ten minutes of talk with a most uninteresting person, whose +sole claim to notice seemed to be that he had gone and fenced the wrong +water hole over back of Horsefly Mountain, where we have a summer range. +The talk was quick and pointed and buttressed with a blue-print map, +and the too-hasty fencer was left helpless after a pitiful essay at +quibbling. We rode off saying that he could do just as he liked about +sending someone over right away to take that fence down, because we +had already took it down the minute we set eyes on it. We was just +letting him know so he needn't waste any more wire and posts and time +in committing felonious depredations that would get him nothing but +high trouble if he was so minded. Another scalp to our belt! + +I now briefly recalled to the woman that we had stopped at no peaceful +home that morning save to wreck its peace. I said I was getting into +the spirit of the ride myself. I suggested that at the next ranch we +passed we should stop and set fire to the haystacks, just to crown the +day's brutalities with something really splendid. I also said I was +starving to death in a land of plenty. + +Ma Pettengill gazed aloft at the sun and said it was half-past twelve. +I looked at my watch and said the sun was over ten minutes slow, which +was probably due to the heavy continuous gunfire on the Western Front. +This neat bit went for just nothing. As we rode on I fondly recalled that +last cold hot cake which Sandy Sawtelle had sacrificed to his gift for +debased whimsy. I also recalled other items of that gloomy repast, +wondering how I could so weakly have quit when I did. + +We rode now under a sun that retained its old fervour if not its +velocity. We traversed an endless lane between fields, in one of which +grazed a herd of the Arrowhead cattle. These I was made to contemplate +for many valuable moments. I had to be told that I was regarding the +swallow-fork herd, pure-breds that for one reason or another--the chief +being careless help--had not been registered. The omission was denoted +by the swallow fork in the left ear. + +The owner looked upon them with fond calculation. She was fondly +calculating that they would have been worth about fifty per cent. more +to her with ears unmutilated. She grew resentful that their true worth +should not be acclaimed by the world. In the sight of heaven they were +pure-breds; so why should they suffer through the oversight of a herd +boss that hadn't anywhere near such distinguished ancestry? And so on, +as the lady says. + +We left the lane at last and were on the county road, but headed away +from the Arrowhead and food. No doubt there remained other homes for us +to wreck. We mounted a rise and the road fell from us in a long, gentle +slope. And then a mile beyond, where the slope ended, I beheld a most +inviting tiny pleasance in this overwhelming welter of ranch land, with +its more or less grim business of cattle. + +It was a little homestead fit to adorn an art calendar to be entitled +Peace and Plenty--a veritable small farm from some softer little country +far to the east. It looked strangely lost amid these bleaker holdings. +There was a white little house and it sported nothing less than green +blinds. There was a red barn, with toy outbuildings. There was a +vegetable garden, an orchard of blossoming fruit trees, and, in front of +the glistening little house, a gay garden of flowers. Even now I could +detect the yellow of daffodils and the martial--at least it used to be +martial--scarlet of tulips. The little place seemed to drowse here in +the noontide, dreaming of its lost home and other little farms that once +companioned it. + +To my pleased surprise this unbelievable little farm proved to be our +next stopping place. At its gate Ma Pettengill dismounted, eased the +cinch of her saddle and tied her horse to the hitching rack. I did +likewise by the one-time cinch binder. + +"Now," I wondered, "what devastating bomb shall we hurl into this +flower-spiced Arcady? What woe will she put upon its unsuspecting +dwellers, even as she has ruined four other homes this day? This should +be something really choice." But I said no word and followed where the +avenger stalked. + +We unlatched the white gate and went up a gravelled walk between the +rows of daffodils and tulips and hyacinths. We did not ascend the +spotless front porch to assault its innocent white door, but turned aside +on a narrow-gauge branch of the gravelled pathway and came to a side +porch, shaded by maples. And here, in strict conformity to the soundest +behests of tradition, sat two entirely genuine Arcadians in wooden +rocking-chairs. The male was a smiling old thing with winter-apple +cheeks and white hair, and the female was a smiling old thing with +winter-apple cheeks and white hair; both had bright eyes of doll blue, +and both wore, among other neat things, loose and lovely carpet slippers +and white stockings. + +And, of course, the male was named Uncle Henry and the other one was +named Aunt Mollie, for I was now presented to them. They shyly greeted +me as one returned to them after many years in which they had given me +up. And again I wondered what particular iniquity we had come here to do. + +Then Ma Pettengill eased my worry. She said in a few simple but affecting +words, that we had stopped in for a bite to eat. No self-torturing +stylist could have put the thing better. And results were sudden. Uncle +Henry, the male one, went to take our horses round to the barn, and the +other one said they had et an hour ago; but give her ten minutes and +she'd have a couple of them young pullets skinned and on the fire. + +Ma Pettengill said, with very questionable taste, I thought: "Oh, no; +nothing like that!"--because we didn't want to make the least bit of +trouble. The woman is dense at times. What else had we come there +for? But Aunt Mollie said, then, how about some prime young pork +tenderline? And Ma Pettengill said she guessed that would do, and I +said I guessed that would do. And there we were! The ladies went to +the kitchen, where they made quick and grateful noises. + +Pretty soon Uncle Henry came round a lovely corner and said try a tumbler +of this here grape wine, which he poured from a pressed-glass pitcher; so +I tried it and gave him a town cigarette, which he tucked between his +beautiful white moustache and his beautiful white whiskers. And I hoped +he didn't use gasoline to get them so clean, because if he did something +might happen when he lighted the cigarette; but nothing did, so probably +he didn't. I tried the grape wine again; and dear old Uncle Henry said he +was turning out quite a bit of it since the Gov'ment had shet down on +regular dram-shops, quite considerable of parties happening along from +time to time to barter with him, getting it for dances or colds, or +something. + +A yellow cat, with blue eyes like Uncle Henry's, came and slept on +his lap. A large fussy hen with a litter of chickens--or however a hen +designates her assemblage of little ones--clucked her way to our feet. +I could see three hives of bees, a grape arbour, and a row of milk pans +drying in the sun, each leaning on its neighbour along a white bench. +Uncle Henry said drink it up while it was cold. All Nature seemed to +smile. The hen found a large and charming bug, and chuckled humorously +while her cunning little ones tore it limb from limb. It was idyllic. + +Then Aunt Mollie pushed open the screen door and said come in and set up; +so I came in and set up quickly, having fried pork tenderloin and fried +potatoes, and hot biscuit and pork gravy, and cucumber pickles, and +cocoanut cake and pear preserves, peach preserves, apricot preserves, +loganberry jelly, crab-apple jelly, and another kind of preserves I was +unable to identify, though trying again and again. + +Ma Pettengill ate somewhat, but talked also, keeping Uncle Henry and Aunt +Mollie shiny with smiles. They both have polished white teeth of the most +amazing regularity. I ate almost exclusively, affecting to be preoccupied +about something. The time was urgent. I formed an entangling alliance +with the pork tenderloin, which endured to a point where but one small +fragment was left on the platter. I coolly left it there, so that Aunt +Mollie might believe she had cooked more than enough. + +I have never ceased to regret that hollow bit of chivalry. Was it +honest, genuine, open? No! Why will men at critical junctures stoop +to such trickery? Aunt Mollie said I might think that tenderline was +fresh-killed; but not so--she has fried it last December and put it down +in its own juice in a four-gallon crock, and now look how fresh it come +out! She seemed as proud as if she had invented something. She had a +right to be. It was a charming notion and I could have eaten the rest of +the crock--but, no matter. Half a dozen biscuits copiously gummed up with +preserves of one kind or another would do as well--almost. + +So Aunt Mollie showed me objects of interest in the room, including +her new carpet sweeper, a stuffed road runner, a ship built in a bottle, +and the coloured crayon portraits of herself and Uncle Henry, wearing +blue clothes and gold jewellery and white collars and ecru neckties. +Also, the marriage certificate. This was no mere official certificate. +It was the kind that costs three dollars flat, over and above what you +give to the party that does it for you, being genuine steel-engraved, +with a beautiful bridal couple under a floral bell, the groom in severe +evening dress, and liberally spotted with cupids and pigeons. It is worth +the money and an ornament to any wall, especially in the gilt frame. + +Aunt Mollie seemed as proud of this document as she had been with the +tenderloin. I scanned it word by word for her pleasure. I noticed +especially the date. Aunt Mollie said that her and Henry were now in +the fortieth year on this place, and it had changed in looks a whole +lot since they came here. I again looked at the date of the certificate. + +Ma Pettengill said, well, we must be getting on, and they must both come +over to the Arrowhead for a day right soon. And Uncle Henry said here +was a quart bottle of his peach brandy, going on eight year old, and +would I take it along back with me and try it? Parties had told him it +was good; but he didn't know--mebbe so, mebbe not. He'd like to know what +I thought. It seemed little enough to do to bring a bit of gladness into +this old gentleman's life, and I was not the man to wound him by refusal. +It was as if Michelangelo had said "Come on round to the Sistine Chapel +this afternoon and look over a little thing I've dashed off." If he had +brought two bottles instead of one my answer would have been the same. + +So we were out on our refreshed horses and heading home; and I said, +without loss of time, that Aunt Mollie might have a good heart and a +cunning way with pork interiors, and it was none of my business, anyway; +but, nevertheless, she had mentioned forty long years with this amateur +saloon keeper, whereas her marriage certificate was dated but one year +previous, in figures all too shamefully legible. So what about it? I +said I mind observing the underworld from time to time; but I like +to be warned in advance, even when its denizens were such a charming, +bright-eyed winter-apple-cheeked old couple as the two we were now +leaving. + +The sun was on our backs, a light breeze fanned us, the horses knew which +way they were going, and work for the day was over; so Ma Pettengill +spoke, in part, as follows: + +"Oh, well, of course everyone knows about that. Simple enough! Aunt +Mollie and her first husband trekked in here forty years ago. He was a +consumptive and the first winter put him out. They had a hard time; no +neighbours to speak of, harsh weather, hard work, poor shelter, and a +dying man. Henry Mortimer happened by and stayed to help--nursed the +invalid, kept the few head of stock together, nailed up holes in the +shack, rustled grub and acted like a friend in need. At the last he +nailed a coffin together; did the rest of that job; then stayed on to +nurse Aunt Mollie, who was all in herself. After he got her to stepping +again he put in a crop for her. Then he stayed to build a barn and do +some fencing. Then he harvested the crop. And getting no wages! They was +both living off the land. Pretty soon they got fond of each other and +decided to marry. It's one of Aunt Mollie's jokes that she owed him two +years' wages and had to marry him. + +"Marriage was easier said than done. No preacher, or even a justice of +the peace, was within ninety miles, which meant a four days' trip over +the roads of that day, and four days back, providing high water or some +other calamity didn't make it a month; and no one to leave on the place, +which meant there wouldn't be a head of stock left when they got back, +what with Indians and rustlers. Uncle Henry will tell you how it seemed +too bad that just one of 'em wouldn't make the trip down and have the +ceremony done, leaving the other to protect the place. + +"Then along comes a horse trader, who stops over to rest his stock, +and learns their trouble. He tells 'em to quit their worry; that he's a +notary public and can perform a marriage as good as any Baptist preacher +they ever saw. I never been able to make out whether he was crazy or just +a witty, practical joker. Anyway, he married the pair with something like +suitable words, wouldn't take a cent for it, and gave 'em a paper saying +he had performed the deed. It had a seal on it showing he was a genuine +notary public, though from back in Iowa somewhere. That made no +difference to the new bride and groom. A notary public was a notary +public to them, highly important and official. + +"They had enough other things to worry about, anyway. They had to buckle +down to the hard life that waits for any young couple without capital in +a new country. They had years of hard sledding; but they must of had a +good time somehow, because they never have any but pleasant things to +tell of it. Whatever that notary public was, he seemed to of pulled off +a marriage that took as well or better than a great many that may be +more legal. So that's all there is to it--only, here about a year ago +they was persuaded to have it done proper at last by a real preacher who +makes Kulanche two Sundays a month. That's why the late date's on that +certificate. The old lady is right kittenish about that; shows it to +everyone, in spite of the fact that it makes her out of been leading +an obliquitous life, or something, for about thirty-eight years. + +"But then, she's a sentimental old mush-head, anyhow. Guess what she told +me out in the kitchen! She's been reading what the Germans did to women +and children in Belgium, and she says: 'Of course I hate Germans; and yet +it don't seem as if I could ever hate 'em enough to want to kill a lot of +German babies!' Wasn't that the confession of a weakling? I guess that's +all you'd want to know about that woman. My sakes! Will you look at that +mess of clouds? I bet it's falling weather over in Surprise Valley. A +good moisting wouldn't hurt us any either." + +That seemed to be about all. Yet I was loath to leave the topic. I still +had a warm glow in my heart for the aged couple, and I could hear Uncle +Henry's bottle of adolescent peach brandy laughing to itself from where +it was lashed to the back of my saddle. I struck in the only weak spot +in the wall. + +"You say they were persuaded into this marriage. Well, who persuaded +them? Isn't there something interesting about that?" + +It had, indeed, been a shrewd stroke. Ma Pettengill's eyes lighted. + +"Say, didn't I ever tell you about Mrs. Julia Wood Atkins, the well-known +lady reformer?" + +"You did not. We have eight miles yet." + +"Oh, very well!" + +So for eight miles of a road that led between green fields on our right +and a rolling expanse of sagebrush on our left, I heard something like +this: + +"Well, this prominent club lady had been out on the Coast for some time +heading movements and telling people how to do things, and she had got +run down. She's a friend of Mrs. W.B. Hemingway, the well-known social +leader and club president of Yonkers, who is an old friend of mine; and +Mrs. W.B. writes that dear Julia is giving her life to the cause--I +forget what cause it was right then--and how would it be for me to have +her up here on the ranch for a vacation, where she could recover her +spirits and be once more fitted to enter the arena. I say I'm only too +glad to oblige, and the lady comes along. + +"She seemed right human at first--kind of haggard and overtrained, but +with plenty of fights left in her; a lady from forty-eight to fifty-four, +with a fine hearty manner that must go well on a platform, and a kind +of accusing face. That's the only word I can think of for it. She'd be +pretty busy a good part of the day with pamphlets and papers that she or +someone else had wrote, but I finally managed to get her out on a gentle +old horse--that one you're riding--so she could liven up some; and we got +along quite well together. + +"The only thing that kind of went against me was, she's one of them that +thinks a kind word and a pleasant smile will get 'em anywhere, and she +worked both on me a little too much like it was something professional. + +"Still, I put it by and listened to her tell about the awful state the +world is in, and how a few earnest women could set it right in a week if +it wasn't for the police. + +"Prison reform, for instance. That was the first topic on which she +delivered addresses to me. I couldn't make much out of it, except that we +don't rely enough on our convicts' rugged honour. It was only a side line +with her; still, she didn't slight it. She could talk at length about the +innate sterling goodness of the misunderstood burglar. I got tired of it. +I told her one day that, if you come right down to it, I'd bet the men +inside penitentiaries didn't average up one bit higher morally than the +men outside. She said, with her pleasantest smile, that I didn't +understand; so I never tried to after that. + +"The lady had a prowling mind. Mebbe that ain't the right word, but +it come to me soon after she got here. I think it was the day she begun +about our drinking water. She wanted to know what the analysis showed +it to contain. She was scared out of her pleasant smile for a minute when +she found I'd never had the water analyzed. I thought, first, the poor +thing had been reading these beer advertisements; you know--the kind they +print asking if you are certain about the purity of your drinking water, +telling of the fatal germs that will probably be swimming there, and +intimating that probably the only dead-safe bet when you are thirsty +is a pint of their pure, wholesome beer, which never yet gave typhoid +fever to any one. But, no; Julia just thought all water ought to be +analyzed on general principles, and wouldn't I have a sample of ours +sent off at once? She'd filled a bottle with some and suggested it with +her pleasantest platform smile. + +"'Yes,' I says; 'and suppose the report comes back that this water is +fatal to man and beast? And it's the only water round here. What then? +I'd be in a hell of a fix--wouldn't I?' + +"I don't deny I used to fall back on words now and then when her smile +got to me. And we went right on using water that might or might not make +spicy reading in a chemist's report; I only been here thirty years and +it's too soon to tell. Anyway, it was then I see she was gifted with a +prowling mind, which is all I can think of to call it. It went with her +accusing face. She didn't think anything in this world was as near right +as it could be made by some good woman. + +"Of course she had other things besides the water to worry about. She +was a writer, too. She would write about how friction in the home life +may be avoided by one of the parties giving in to the other and letting +the wife say how the money shall be spent, and pieces about what the +young girl should do next, and what the young wife should do if +necessary, and so on. For some reason she was paid money for these +pieces. + +"However, she was taking longer rides and getting her pep back, which +was what she had come here for. And having failed to reform anything +on the Arrowhead, she looked abroad for more plastic corruption as you +might say. She rode in one night and said she was amazed that this here +community didn't do something about Dave Pickens. That's the place we +stopped this morning. She said his children were neglected and starving, +his wife worked to the bone, and Dave doing nothing but play on a cheap +fiddle! How did they get their bread from day to day? + +"I told her no one in the wide world had ever been able to answer this +puzzle. There was Dave and his wife and five children, all healthy, and +eating somehow, and Dave never doing a stroke of work he could side-step. +I told her it was such a familiar puzzle we'd quit being puzzled by it. + +"She said someone ought to smash his fiddle and make him work. She said +she would do something about it. I applauded. I said we needed new blood +up here and she seemed to of fetched it. + +"She come back the next day with a flush of triumph on her severely +simple face. And guess the first thing she asked me to do! She asked me +to take chances in a raffle for Dave's fiddle. Yes, sir; with her kind +words and pleasant smile she had got Dave to consent to raffle off his +fiddle, and she was going to sell twenty-four chances at fifty cents a +chance, which would bring twelve dollars cash to the squalid home. I had +to respect the woman at that moment. + +"'There they are, penniless,' says she, 'and in want for the barest +necessities; and this man fiddling his time away! I had a struggle +persuading him to give up his wretched toy; but I've handled harder +cases. You should of seen the light in the mother's wan face when +he consented! The twelve dollars won't be much, though it will do +something for her and those starving children; and then he will no +longer have the instrument to tempt him.' + +"I handed over a dollar for two chances right quick, and Julia went out +to the bunk-house and wormed two dollars out of the boys there. And next +day she was out selling off the other chances. She didn't dislike the +work. It give her a chance to enter our homes and see if they needed +reforming, and if the children was subjected to refining influences, and +so on. The first day she scared parties into taking fifteen tickets, and +the second day she got rid of the rest; and the next Sunday she held the +drawing over at Dave's house. The fiddle was won by a nester from over in +Surprise Valley, who had always believed he could play one if he only +had a fair chance. + +"So this good deed was now completed, there being no music, and twelve +dollars in the Pickens home that night. And Mrs. Julia now felt that she +was ready for the next big feat of uplift, which was a lot more important +because it involved the very sanctity of the marriage tie. Yes, sir; +she'd come back from her prowling one night and told me in a hushed +voice, behind a closed door, about a couple that had been for years +living in a state of open immorality. + +"I didn't get her, at first, not thinking of Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie. +But she meant just them two. I give her a good hearty laugh, at first; +but it pained her so much I let her talk. It seems she'd gone there to +sell raffle tickets, and they'd taken four, and cooked food for her, and +give her some cherry cordial, which she took on account of being far from +a strong woman; and then Aunt Mollie had told all her past life, with +this horrid scandal about the notary public sticking innocently out of +it. + +"Mrs. Julia hadn't been able to see anything but the scandal, she being +an expert in that line. So she had started in to persuade Aunt Mollie +that it was her sacred duty to be married decently to her companion in +crime for forty years. And Aunt Mollie had been right taken with the +idea; in fact, she had entered into it with a social enthusiasm that +didn't seem to Mrs. Julia to have quite enough womanly shame for her dark +past in it. Still, anything to get the guilty couple lawful wedded; +and before she left it was all fixed. Uncle Henry was to make an honest +woman of Aunt Mollie as soon as she could get her trousseau ready. + +"Me? I didn't know whether to laugh or get mad. I said the original +marriage had satisfied the peace and dignity of the state of Washington; +and it had done more--it had even satisfied the neighbours. So why not +let it rest? But, no, indeedy! It had never been a marriage in the sight +of God and couldn't be one now. Facts was facts! And she talked some more +about Aunt Mollie not taking her false position in the proper way. + +"It had been Mrs. Julia's idea to have the preacher come up and commit +this ceremony quite furtively, with mebbe a couple of legal witnesses, +keeping everything quiet, so as not to have a public scandal. But nothing +like that for the guilty woman! She was going to have a trousseau and a +wedding, with guests and gayety. She wasn't taking it the right way at +all. It seemed like she wanted all the scandal there was going. + +"'Really, I can't understand the creature,' says Mrs. Julia. 'She even +speaks of a wedding breakfast! Can you imagine her wishing to flaunt such +a thing?' + +"It was then I decided to laugh instead of telling this lady a few things +she couldn't of put in an article. I said Aunt Mollie's taking it this +way showed how depraved people could get after forty years of it; and we +must try to humour the old trollop, the main thing being to get her and +her debased old Don Juan into a legal married state, even if they did +insist on going in with a brass band. Julia said she was glad I took it +this way. + +"She came back to my room again that night, after her hair was down. The +only really human thing this lady ever did, so far as I could discover, +was to put some of this magic remedy on her hair that restores the +natural colour if the natural colour happened to be what this remedy +restores it to. Any way, she now wanted to know if I thought it was right +for Aunt Mollie to continue to reside there in that house between now and +the time when they would be lawful man and wife. I said no; I didn't +think it was right. I thought it was a monstrous infamy and an affront +to public morals; but mebbe we better resolve to ignore it and plow a +straight furrow, without stopping to pull weeds. She sadly said she +supposed I was right. + +"So Uncle Henry hitched up his fat white horse to the buggy, and him and +Aunt Mollie drove round the country for three days, inviting folks to +their wedding. Aunt Mollie had the time of her life. It seemed as if +there wasn't no way whatever to get a sense of shame into that brazen old +hussy. And when this job was done she got busy with her trousseau, which +consisted of a bridge gown in blue organdie, and a pair of high white +shoes. She didn't know what a bridge gown was for, but she liked the +looks of one in a pattern book and sent down to Red Gap for Miss +Gunslaugh to bring up the stuff and make it. And she'd always had this +secret yearning for a pair of high white shoes; so they come up, too. + +"Furthermore, Aunt Mollie had read the city paper for years and knew +about wedding breakfasts; so she was bound to have one of those. It +looked like a good time was going to be had by all present except the +lady who started it. Mrs. Julia was more malignantly scandalized by these +festal preparations than she had been by the original crime; but she had +to go through with it now. + +"The date had been set and we was within three days of it when Aunt +Mollie postponed it three days more because Dave Pickens couldn't be +there until this later day. Mrs. Julia made a violent protest, because +she had made her plans to leave for larger fields of crime; but Aunt +Mollie was stubborn. She said Dave Pickens was one of the oldest +neighbours and she wouldn't have a wedding he couldn't attend; and +besides, marriage was a serious step and she wasn't going to be hurried +into it. + +"So Mrs. Julia went to a lot of trouble about her ticket and +reservations, and stayed over. She was game enough not to run out +before Uncle Henry had made Aunt Mollie a lady. I was a good deal +puzzled about this postponement. Dave Pickens was nothing to postpone +anything for. There never was any date that he couldn't be anywhere--at +least, unless he had gone to work after losing his fiddle, which was +highly ridiculous. + +"The date held this time. We get word the wedding is to be held in the +evening and that everyone must stay there overnight. This was surprising, +but simple after Aunt Mollie explained it. The guests, of course, had +to stay over for the wedding breakfast. Aunt Mollie had figured it all +out. A breakfast is something you eat in the morning, about six-thirty or +seven; so a wedding breakfast must be held the morning after the wedding. +You couldn't fool Aunt Mollie on social niceties. + +"Anyway, there we all was at the wedding; Uncle Henry in his black suit +and his shiny new teeth, and Aunt Mollie in her bridge gown and white +shoes, and this young minister that wore a puzzled look from start +to finish. I guess he never did know what kind of a game he was helping +out in. But he got through with the ceremony. There proved to be not +a soul present knowing any reason why this pair shouldn't be joined +together in holy wedlock, though Mrs. Julia looked more severe than usual +at this part of the ceremony. Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie was firm in +their responses and promised to cling to each other till death did them +part. They really sounded as if they meant it. + +"Mrs. Julia looked highly noble and sweet when all was over, like she had +rescued an erring sister from the depths. You could see she felt that the +world would indeed be a better place if she could only give a little +more time to it. + +"We stood round and talked some after the ceremony; but not for long. +Aunt Mollie wound the clock and set the mouse-trap, and hustled us all +off to bed so we could be up bright and early for the wedding breakfast. +You'd think she'd been handling these affairs in metropolitan society for +years. The women slept on beds and sofas, and different places, and the +men slept out in the barn and in a tent Uncle Henry had put up or took +their blanket rolls and bunked under a tree. + +"Then ho! for the merry wedding breakfast at six-thirty A.M.! The wedding +breakfast consisted of ham and eggs and champagne. Yes, sir; don't think +Aunt Mollie had overlooked the fashionable drink. Hadn't she been reading +all her life about champagne being served at wedding breakfasts? So there +it was in a new wash boiler, buried in cracked ice. And while the women +was serving the ham and eggs and hot biscuits at the long table built out +in the side yard, Uncle Henry exploded several bottles of this wine and +passed it to one and all, and a toast was drunk to the legal bride and +groom; after which eating was indulged in heartily. + +"It was a merry feast, even without the lobster salad, which Aunt Mollie +apologized for not having. She said she knew lobster salad went with a +wedding breakfast, the same as champagne; but the canned lobster she had +ordered hadn't come, so we'd have to make out with the home-cured ham and +some pork sausage that now come along. Nobody seemed downhearted about +the missing lobster salad. Uncle Henry passed up and down the table +filling cups and glasses, and Aunt Mollie, in her wedding finery, kept +the food coming with some buckwheat cakes at the finish. + +"It was a very satisfactory wedding breakfast, if any one should ever +make inquiries of you. By the time Uncle Henry had the ends out of half +the champagne bottles I guess everyone there was glad he had decided +to drag Aunt Mollie back from the primrose path. + +"It all passed off beautifully, except for one tragedy. Oh, yes; there's +always something to mar these affairs. But this hellish incident didn't +come till the very last. After the guests had pretty well et themselves +to a standstill, Dave Pickens got up and come back with a fiddle, and +stood at the end of the grape arbour and played a piece. + +"'Someone must have supplied that wretch with another fiddle!' says Mrs. +Julia, who was kind of cross, anyway, having been bedded down on a short +sofa and not liking champagne for breakfast--and, therefore, not liking +to see others drink it. + +"'Oh, he's probably borrowed one for your celebration,' I says. + +"Dave played a couple more lively pieces; and pretty soon, when we got up +from the table, he come over to Mrs. Julia and me. + +"'It's a peach of a fiddle,' says Dave. 'It says in the catalogue it's a +genuine Cremonika--looks like a Cremona and plays just as good. I bet +it's the best fiddle in the world to be had for twelve dollars!' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Julia, erecting herself like an alarmed +rattlesnake. + +"'Sure! It's a genuine twelve-dollar one,' says Dave proudly. 'My old +one, that you so kindly raffled off, cost only five. I always wanted a +better one, but I never had the money to spare till you come along. It's +awful hard to save up money round here.' + +"'Do you mean to tell me--' says Mrs. Julia. She was so mad she couldn't +get any farther. Dave thought she was merely enthusiastic about his new +fiddle. + +"'Sure! Only twelve dollars for this beauty,' he says, fondling the +instrument. 'We got down the mail-order catalogue the minute you left +that money with us, and had a postal order on the way to Chicago that +very night. I must say, lady, you brought a great pleasure into our +life.' + +"'What about your poor wife?' snaps Mrs. Julia. + +"His poor wife comes up just then and looks affectionately at Dave and +the new fiddle. + +"'He spent that money for another fiddle!' says Mrs. Julia to her in low +tones of horror. + +"'Sure! What did you think he was going to do with it?' says Mrs. Dave. +'I must say we had two mighty dull weeks while Dave was waiting for this +new one. He just mopes round the house when he ain't got anything +to play on. But this is a lot better than the old fiddle; it was worth +waiting for. Did you thank the lady, Dave?' + +"Mrs. Julia was now plumb speechless and kind of weak. And on top of +these blows up comes Aunt Mollie the new-wed, and beams fondly on her. + +"'There!' says she. 'Ain't that a fine new fiddle that Dave bought with +his twelve dollars? And wasn't it worth postponing my wedding for, so we +could have some music?' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Julia again. 'Why did you postpone it?' + +"'Because the fiddle didn't get here till last night,' says Aunt Mollie, +'and I wasn't going to have a wedding without music. It wouldn't seem +right. And don't you think, yourself, it's a lot better fiddle than +Dave's old one?' + +"So this poor Mrs. Julia woman was now stricken for fair, thinking of all +the trouble she'd been to about her tickets, and all to see this new +fiddle. + +"She went weakly into the house and lay down, with a headache, till I was +ready to leave the gay throng. And the next day she left us to our fate. +Still, she'd done us good. Dave has a new fiddle and Aunt Mollie has her +high white shoes. So now you know all about it." + +We neared the Arrowhead gate. Presently its bell would peal a sweet +message to those who laboured. Ma Pettengill turned in her saddle to scan +the western horizon. + +"A red sun has water in his eye," said she. "Well, a good soak won't hurt +us." + +And a moment later: + +"Curious thing about reformers: They don't seem to get a lot of pleasure +out of their labours unless the ones they reform resist and suffer, and +show a proper sense of their degradation. I bet a lot of reformers would +quit to-morrow if they knew their work wasn't going to bother people +any." + + + + +VI + +THE PORCH WREN + + +So it befell, in a shining and memorable interlude that there was +talk of the oldest living boy scout, who was said to have rats in his +wainscoting; of the oldest living debutante, who was also a porch wren; +and of the body snatcher. Little of the talk was mine; a query now and +again. It was Ma Pettengill's talk, and I put it here for what it may be +worth, hoping I may close-knit and harmonize its themes, so diverse +as that of the wardrobe trunk, the age of the earth, what every woman +thinks she knows, and the Upper Silurian trilobites. + +It might be well to start with the concrete, and baby's picture seems +to be an acceptable springboard from which to dive into the recital. It +came in the evening's mail and was extended to me by Mrs. Lysander John +Pettengill, with poorly suppressed emotion. The thing excited no emotion +in me that I could not easily suppress. It was the most banal of all +snapshots--a young woman bending Madonna-wise above something carefully +swathed, flanked by a youngish man who revealed a self-conscious smirk +through his carefully pointed beard. The light did harshly by the bent +faces of the couple and the disclosed fragment of the swathed thing was +a weakish white blob. + +I need not say that there must be millions of these pathetic revealments +burdening our mails day by day. I myself must have looked coldly upon +over a thousand. + +"Well, what of it?" I demanded shortly. + +"I bet you can't guess what's in that bundle!" said my hostess in a large +playful manner. + +I said what I could see of it looked like a half portion of plain boiled +cauliflower, but that in all probability the object was an infant, a +human infant--or, to use a common expression, a baby. Whereupon the lady +drew herself up and remarked in the clipped accent of a parrot: + +"No, sir; it's a carboniferous trilobite of the Upper Silurian." + +This, indeed, piqued me. It made a difference. I said was it possible? +Mrs. Pettengill said it was worse than possible; it was inevitable. She +seemed about to rest there; so I accused her of ill-natured jesting and +took up the previous day's issue of the Red Gap _Recorder_, meaning to +appear bored. It worked. + +"Well, if Professor Oswald Pennypacker don't call his infant that, you +can bet your new trout rod he calls it something just as good. Mebbe I +better read what the proud mother says." + +"It would be the kind thing before you spread evil reports," I murmured +in a tone of gentle rebuke. + +So the woman polished her nose glasses and read a double sheet of +long up-and-down calligraphy--that is, she read until she exploded +in triumphant retort: + +"Ha! There now! Don't I know a thing or two? Listen: 'Oswald is so +enraptured with the mite; you would never guess what he calls it--"My +little flower with bones and a voice!"' Now! Don't tell me I didn't have +Oswald's number. I knew he wouldn't be satisfied to call it a baby; he'd +be bound to name it something animal, vegetable, or mineral. Ain't it the +truth? 'Little flower with bones and a voice!' What do you know about +that? That's a scientist trying to be poetic. + +"And here--get this: She says that one hour after the thing was born the +happy father was caught by the doctor and nurse seeing if it could hold +its own weight up on a broomstick, like a monkey. She says he was acutely +distressed when these authorities deprived him of the custody of his +child. Wouldn't that fade you? Trying to see if a baby one hour old could +chin itself! Quite all you would wish to know about Oswald." + +I hastily said no; it was not nearly all I wanted to know about Oswald. +I wanted to know much more. Almost any one would. The lady once more +studied the hairy face with its bone-rimmed glasses. + +"Shucks!" said she. "He don't look near as proud in this as he does in +that one he sent me himself--here, where is that thing?" + +From the far end of the big table she brought under the lamp a basket +of Indian weave and excavated from its trove of playing cards, tobacco +sacks, cigarette papers, letters, and odd photographs another snapshot +of Oswald. It was a far different scene. Here Oswald stood erect beside +the mounted skeleton of some prehistoric giant reptile that dwarfed yet +left him somehow in kingly triumph. + +"There now!" observed the lady. "Don't he look a heap more egregious by +that mess of bones than he does by his own flesh and blood? Talk about +pride!" + +And I saw that it was so. Here Oswald looked the whole world in the face, +proud indeed! One hand rested upon the beast's kneecap in a proprietary +caress. Oswald looked too insufferably complacent. It was the look to be +forgiven a man only when he wears it in the presence of his first-born. +If snapshots tell anything at all, these told that Oswald was the father +of a mammoth sauropod and had merely dug up the baby in a fossil bed +somewhere. + +"That's where the man's heart really lies," said his stern critic, +"even if he does drivel about his little flower with bones and a voice! +Probably by now he's wishing the voice had been left out of his little +flower." Impressively she planted a rigid forefinger on the print of the +mounted skeleton. + +"That there," she glibly rattled off, "is the organic remains of a +three-toed woolly bronsolumphicus of the carboniferous limestone, or +Upper Silurian trilobite period. I believe I have the name correct. +It was dug up out of a dry lake in Wyoming that years ago got to be +mere loblolly, so that this unfortunate critter bogged down in it. The +poor thing passed on about six million or four hundred million years +ago--somewhere along there. Oswald and his new father-in-law dug it +from its quiet resting place in the old cemetery. Such is their +thrilling work in life. + +"This father-in-law is just an old body snatcher that snoops round +robbing the graves of antiquity and setting up his loot in their museum +at the university. No good telling that old ghoul to let the dead rest. +He simply won't hear of it. He wants remains. He wants to have 'em out +in the light of day and stick labels on their long-peaceful skulls. He +don't act subdued or proper about it either, or kind of buttery sad, like +a first-class undertaker. He's gleeful. Let him find the skeleton of +something as big as a freight car, that perished far in the dead past, +and he's as tickled as a kid shooting at little sister with his new air +gun. + +"Bones in his weakness--and periods of geology. He likes period bones +the way some folks like period furniture; and rocks and geography and +Lower Triassics, and so forth. He knows how old the earth is within a +few hundred million years; how the scantling and joists for it was put +together, and all the different kinds of teeth that wild animals have. +He's a scientist. Oswald is a scientist. I was a scientist myself two +summers ago when they was up here. + +"By the time they left I could talk a lot of attractive words. I could +speak whole sentences so good that I could hardly understand myself. Of +course after they left I didn't keep up my science. I let myself get +rusty in it. I probably don't know so much more about it now than you +would. Oh, perhaps a little more. It would all come back to me if I took +it up again." + +So I said that I had nothing to do for an hour or so, and if she would +not try to be scientific, but talk in her own homely words, I might +consent to listen; in this event she might tell the whole thing, omitting +nothing, however trifling it might seem to her, because she was no proper +judge of values. I said it was true I might be overtaken by sleep, since +my day had been a hard one, reaching clear to the trout pool under the +big falls and involving the transportation back to seventeen rainbow +trout weighing well over seventeen pounds, more or less, though feeling +much like more. And what about Oswald and the primeval ooze, and so +forth. And would it be important if true? The lady said--well, yes, and +no; but, however-- + +He's Professor Marwich up at the university--this confirmed old coroner +I'm telling you about. Has a train of capital letters streaming along +after he's all through with his name. I don't know what they mean--doctor +of dental surgery, I guess, or zoology or fractions or geography, or +whatever has to do with rocks and animals and vertebraes. He ain't a bad +old scout out of business hours. He pirooted round here one autumn about +a dozen years ago and always threatened to come back and hold some more +of these here inquests on the long departed; but I heard nothing until +two summers ago. He wrote that he wanted to come up to do field work. +That's the innocent name he calls his foul trade by. And he wanted to +bring his assistant, Professor Pennypacker; and could I put them up? + +I said if they would wait till haying was over I could and would. He +answered they would wait till my hay was garnered--that's the pretty word +he used--and could he also bring his mouthless chit with him? I didn't +quite make him. He writes a hand that would never get by in a business +college. I thought it might be something tame he carried in a cage, and +would stay quiet all day while he was out pursuing his repulsive +practices. It didn't sound troublesome. + +I never made a worse guess. It was his daughter he talked about that +way. She was all right enough, though astounding when you had expected +something highly zoological and mouthless instead of motherless. She was +a tall roan girl with the fashionable streamline body, devoted to the +ukulele and ladies' wearing apparel. But not so young as that sounds. Her +general manner of conduct was infantile enough, but she had tired eyes +and a million little lines coming round 'em, and if you got her in a +strong light you saw she was old enough to have a serious aim in life. + +She did use massage cream and beauty lotions with a deep seriousness +you wouldn't suspect her of when she sat out in the hammock in the +moonlight and scratched this ukulele and acted the part of a mere porch +wren. That was really the girl's trade; all she'd ever learned. Mebbe +she had misspent her early youth, or mebbe she wasn't meant for anything +else--just a butterfly with some of the gold powder brushed off and the +wings a little mite crumpled. + +Gee! How times have changed since I took my own hair out of a braid! +In them fond old days when a girl didn't seem attractive enough for +marriage she took up a career--school-teaching probably--and was looked +at sidewise by her family. It's different now. In this advanced day a +girl seems to start for the career first and take up marriage only when +all other avenues is closed. She's the one that is now regarded by her +brainy sisters as a failure. I consider it an evil state for the world +to be in--but no matter; I can't do anything about it from up here, with +haytime coming on. + +Anyway, this Lydia girl had not been constructed for any career requiring +the serious use of the head; and yet so far she had failed in the other +one. She was on the way to being an outcast if she didn't pull something +desperate pretty soon. She was looking down on thirty, and I bet her +manner hadn't changed a bit since she was looking up to twenty. + +Of course she'd learned things about her game. Living round a college she +must of tried her wiles on at least ten graduating classes of young men. +Naturally she'd learned technique and feminine knavery. She was still +flirty enough. She had a little short upper lip that she could lift with +great pathos. And the party hadn't more than landed here when I saw that +at last she did have a serious aim in life. + +It was this here assistant to her father, who was named Professor Oswald +Pennypacker; and he was a difficult aim in life, because he didn't need a +wife any more than the little dicky birds need wrist watches. You seen +his picture there. About thirty-five he was and had devoted all his years +to finding out the names of wild animals, which is said to be one of our +best sciences. He hadn't got round to women yet. A good snappy skeleton +of one might of entertained him if he could of dug it up himself and +called it a sedimentary limestone; but he had never trifled with one that +was still in commission and ornamented with flesh and clothes. + +And fussy! I wish you could of seen that man's room after he had +carefully unpacked! A place for everything, and he had everything, +too--everything in the world. And if someone switched his soap over to +where his tooth paste belonged it upset his whole day. The Chink never +dared to go into his room after the first morning. Oswald even made his +own bed. Easy to call him an old maid, but I never saw any woman suffer +as much agony in her neatness. + +His shoes had to be in a row, and his clothes and hats and caps had to +be in a row, and there was only one hook in the room his pyjamas could +lawfully hang on, and his talcum powder had to stand exactly between +the mosquito dope and the bay rum, which had to be flanked precisely by +his manicure tools and succeeded by something he put on his hair, which +was going the way of all flesh. If some marauder had entered his room in +the night and moved his compass over to where his fountain pen belonged +he would of woke up instantly and screamed. + +And then his new wardrobe trunk! This was a great and holy joy that +had come into his bleak life; all new and shiny and complicated, with +a beautiful brass lock, one side for clothes on correct hangers and the +other side full of drawers and compartments and secret recesses, where +he could hide things from himself. It was like a furnished flat, that +trunk. And this was his first adventure out in the great cruel world +with it. He cherished it as a man had ought to cherish his bride. + +He had me in to gaze upon it that first afternoon. You'd of thought he +was trying to sell it to me, the way he showed it off. It stood on end, +having a bulge like a watermelon in the top, so no vandal could stand +it up wrong; and it was wide open to show the two insides. He opened up +every room in it, so I could marvel at 'em. He fawned on that trunk. And +at the last he showed me a little brass hook he had screwed into the +side where the clothes hangers was. It was a very important hook. He hung +the keys of the trunk on it; two keys, strung on a cord, and the cord +neatly on the hook. This, he told me, was so the keys would never +get lost. + +"I always have a dread I may lose those keys," says he. "That would be a +catastrophe indeed, would it not? So I plan to keep them on that hook; +then I shall always know where they are." + +The crafty wretch! He could wake up in the night and put his hand on +those keys in the dark. Probably he often done so. I spoke a few simple +words of praise for his sagacity. And after this interesting lecture on +his trunk and its keys, and a good look at the accurate layout of his one +million belongings, I had his number. He was the oldest living boy scout. + +And this poor girl with the designful eyes on him was the oldest +living debutante. I learned afterward that the great aim of science +is classification. I had these two classified in no time, like I'd +been pottering away at science all my life. Why, say, this Oswald +person even carried a patent cigar lighter that worked! You must of seen +hundreds of them nickel things that men pay money for. They work fine in +the store where you buy 'em. But did you ever see one work after the man +got it outside, where he needed it? The owner of one always takes it out, +looking strained and nervous, and presses the spring; and nothing happens +except that he swears and borrows a match. But Oswald's worked every +time. It was uncanny! Only a boy scout could of done it. + +So they got settled and the field work begun next day. The two men would +ride off early to a place about five miles north of here that used to be +an ancient lake--so I was told. I don't know whether it did or not. It's +dry enough now. It certainly can't be considered any part of our present +water supply. They would take spades and hammers and magnifying glasses +and fountain pens, and Oswald's cigar lighter and some lunch, and come +back at night with a fine mess of these here trilobites and vertebrae; +and ganoids and petrified horseflies, and I don't know what all; mebbe +oyster shells, or the footprints of a bird left in solid rock, or the +outlines of starfish, or a shrimp that was fifty-two million years old +and perfectly useless. + +They seemed to have a good time. And Oswald would set up late writing +remarks about the petrified game they had brought in. + +I didn't used to see much of 'em, except at night when we'd gather for +the evening meal. But their talk at those times did wonders for me. All +about the aims of science and how we got here and what of it. The Prof +was a bulky old boy, with long gray hair and long black eyebrows, and +the habit of prevailing in argument. Him and Oswald never did agree on +anything in my hearing, except the Chink's corn muffins; and they looked +kind of mad at each other when they had to agree on them. + +Take the age of this earth on which we make our living. They never got +within a couple of hundred million years of each other. Oswald was strong +for the earth's being exactly fifty-seven million years old. Trust him to +have it down fine! And the old man hung out for four hundred million. +They used to get all fussed up about this. + +They quoted authorities. One scientist had figured close and found it was +fifty-six million years. And another, who seemed to be a headliner in the +world of science, said it was between twenty million and four hundred +million, with a probability of its being ninety-eight million. I kind of +liked that scientist. He seemed so human, like a woman in a bean-guessing +contest at the county fair. But still another scientist had horned in +with a guess of five hundred million years, which was at least easy to +remember. + +Of course I never did much but listen, even when they argued this thing +that I knew all about; for back in Fredonia, New York, where I went to +Sunday-school, it was settled over fifty years ago. Our dear old pastor +told us the earth was exactly six thousand years old. But I let the poor +things talk on, not wanting to spoil their fun. When one of 'em said the +world was made at least fifty-seven million years ago I merely said it +didn't look anywhere near as old as that, and let it go. + +We had some merry little meals for about a month. If it wasn't the age +of God's footstool it would be about what we are descended from, the +best bet in sight being that it's from fishes that had lungs and breathed +under water as easy as anything, which at least put dimmers on that old +monkey scandal in our ancestry. Or, after we moved outside on the porch, +which we had to do on account of Oswald smoking the very worst cigars he +was able to find in all the world, they would get gabby about all things +in the world being simply nothing, which is known to us scientists as +metaphysics. + +Metaphysics is silly-simple--like one, two, three. It consists of subject +and object. I only think I'm knitting this here sock. There ain't any +sock here and there ain't any me. We're illusions. The sound of that +Chink washing dishes out in the kitchen is a mere sensation inside my +head. So's the check for eighty dollars I will have to hand him on the +first of the month--though the fool bank down in Red Gap will look on +it with uneducated eyes and think it's real. Philosophers have dug into +these matters and made 'em simple for us. It took thousands of books to +do it; but it's done at last. Everything is nothing. Ask any scientist; +he'll make it just as clear to you as a mist in a fog. + +And even nothing itself ain't real. They go to that extreme. Not even +empty space is real. And the human mind can't comprehend infinite space. +I got kind of hot when one of 'em said that. I asked 'em right off +whether the human mind could comprehend space that had an end to it. Of +course it can't comprehend anything else but infinite space. I had 'em, +all right; they had to change the subject. So they switched over to free +will. None of us has it. + +That made me hot again. I told 'em to try for even five minutes and see +if they could act as if they didn't have the power of choice. Of course +I had 'em again. Mebbe there ain't free will, but we can't act as if +there wasn't. Those two would certainly make the game of poker impossible +if folks believed 'em. + +I nearly broke up the party that night. I said it was a shame young men +was being taught such stuff when they could just as well go to some good +agricultural college and learn about soils and crops and what to do in +case of a sick bull. Furthermore, I wanted to know what they would do to +earn their daily bread when they'd got everything dug up and labelled. +Pretty soon they'd have every last organic remains put into a catalogue, +the whole set complete and unbroken--and then what? They'd be out of a +job. + +The Prof laughed and said let the future take care of itself. He said we +couldn't tell what might happen, because, as yet, we was nothing really +but supermonkeys. That's what he called our noble race--supermonkeys! +So I said yes; and these here philosophers that talked about subject and +object and the nothingness of nothing reminded me of monkeys that get +hold of a looking-glass and hold it up and look into it, and then sneak +one paw round behind the glass to catch the other monkey. So he laughed +again and said "Not bad, that!" + +You could kid the Prof, which is more than I can say for Oswald. Oswald +always took a joke as if you'd made it beside the casket holding all that +was mortal of his dear mother. In the presence of lightsome talk poor +Oswald was just a chill. He was an eater of spoon-meat, and finicking. +He could talk like Half Hours With the World's Best Authors, and yet had +nothing to say but words. + +Still, I enjoyed them evenings. I learned to be interested in vital +questions and to keep up with the world's best thought, in company +with these gents that was a few laps ahead of it. But not so with the +motherless chit. This here Lydia made no effort whatever to keep up with +the world's best thought. She didn't seem to care if she never perfected +her intellect. It would of been plain to any eye that she was spreading +a golden mesh for the Oswald party; yet she never made the least clumsy +effort to pander to his high ideals. + +She was a wonder, that girl! All day she would set round the house, +with her hair down, fixing over a lace waist or making fudge, and not +appearing to care much about life. Come night, when the party was due to +return, she would spry up, trick herself out in something squashy, with +the fashionable streamlike effect and a pretty pair of hammock stockings +with white slippers, and become an animated porch wren. That seemed to +be the limit of her science. + +Most motherless chits would of pretended a feverish interest in the +day's hunt for fossil cockroaches, and would even of gone out to chip +off rocks with a hammer; but not Lydia. She would never pretend to the +least infatuation for organic remains, and would, like as not, strike up +something frivolous on her ukulele while Oswald was right in the middle +of telling all about the secret of life. She was confident all the time, +though, like she already had him stuffed and mounted. She reminded me of +that girl in the play What Every Woman Thinks She Knows. + +Lydia had great ideas of cooking, which is an art to ensnare males. She +said she was a dandy cook and could make Saratoga chips that was all to +the Kenosha--whatever that meant. Think of it--Saratoga chips! Over eight +hundred ways to cook potatoes, and all good but one; and, of course, +she'd have to hit on this only possible way to absolutely ruin potatoes. +She could cook other things, too--fudge and stuffed eggs and cheese +straws, the latter being less than no food at all. It gives you a line +on her. + +I suppose it was all you could expect from a born debutante that had been +brought up to be nice to college boys on a moonlit porch, allowing them +to put another sofa pillow back of her, and wearing their class pins, and +so forth. And here she was come to thirty, with fudge and cheese straws +and the ukulele still bounding her mental horizon, yet looking far above +her station to one of Oswald's serious magnitude. + +I never have made out what she saw in him. But then we never do. She +used to kid about him--and kid him, for that matter. She'd say to me: +"He does care frightfully about himself, doesn't he?" And she said to +me and said to him that he had mice in his wainscoting. Mice or rats, +I forget which. Any wise bookmaker would of posted her up in this race +as a hundred-to-one shot. She had plenty of blandishment for Oswald, but +not his kind. She'd try to lure him with furtive femininity and plaintive +melodies when she ought to have been putting on a feverish interest in +organic fauna. Oswald generally looked through or past her. He give a +whole lot more worry to whether his fountain pen would clog up on him. +They was both set in their ways, and they was different ways; it looked +to me like they never could meet. They was like a couple of trained seals +that have learned two different lines of tricks. + +Of course Oswald was sunk at last, sunk by a chance shot; and there +was no doubt about his being destroyed, quantities of oil marking the +surface where he went down. But it seemed like pure chance. Yet, if you +believe Oswald and scientific diagnosis, he'd been up against it since +the world was first started, twenty million or five hundred million years +ago--I don't really know how many; but what's a few million years between +scientists? I don't know that I really care. It's never kept me wakeful +a night yet. I'd sooner know how to get eighty-five per cent. of calves. + +Anyway, it was Oswald's grand new wardrobe trunk that had been +predestined from the world's beginning to set him talkative about his +little flower with bones and a voice; this same new wardrobe trunk that +was the pride of his barren life and his one real worry because he +might sometime lose the keys to it. + +It's an affecting tale. It begun the night Oswald wanted the extra table +put in his room. They'd come in that day with a good haul of the oldest +inhabitants round here that had passed to their long rest three million +years ago--petrified fishworms and potato bugs, and so forth, and rocks +with bird tracks on 'em. Oswald was as near human as I'd seen him, on +account of having found a stone caterpillar or something--I know it had +a name longer than it was; it seemed to be one like no one else had, and +would therefore get him talked about, even if it had passed away three +million years before the Oregon Short Line was built. + +And Oswald went on to ask if he could have this extra table in his room, +because these specimens of the disturbed dead was piling up on him and he +wanted to keep 'em in order. He had lighted one of his terrible cigars; +so I said I would quickly go and see about a table. I said that with his +venomous cigar going I would quickly have to go and see about something +or else have my olfactory nerve resected, which was a grand scientific +phrase I had brightly picked out and could play with one finger. It means +having something done so you can't smell any more. + +The Prof laughed heartily, but Oswald only said he hadn't supposed I +would feel that way, considering the kind of tobacco my own cigarettes +was made of, though he was sorry and would hereafter smoke out of doors. +He took a joke like a child taking castor oil. Anyway, I went out and +found a spare table in the storeroom, and the Chink took it to Oswald's +room. + +The fateful moment was at hand for which Nature had been conspiring all +these ages. The Chink held the table up against him, with the legs +sticking out, and Oswald went ahead to show him where to put it. Close +by the door, inside his room, was the lovely, yawning new trunk. Oswald +must of been afraid one of the table legs would spear it and mar its fair +varnish. He raised one hand to halt the table, then closed the trunk +tenderly, snapped the lock, and moved it over into the corner, beyond +chance of desecration. + +Then he give careful directions for placing the table, which had to be +carried round the foot of the bed and past another table, which held +marine fossils and other fishbones. It was placed between this table +and still another, which held Oswald's compass and microscope and his +kill-kare kamp stove and his first-aid kit and his sportsman's belt +safe--all neatly arranged in line. I had followed to see if there was +anything more he needed, and he said no, thank you. So I come out here +to look over my mail that had just come. + +Ten minutes later I felt the presence of a human being and looked up to +see that Oswald, the oldest living boy scout, was dying on his feet in +the doorway there. His face looked like he had been in jail three years. +I thought he had seen a ghost or had a heart shock. He looked as if he +was going to keel over. He had me scared. Finally he dragged himself over +to the table here and says faintly: + +"I believe I should like a severe drink of whisky!" + +I didn't ask any questions. I saw it must be some private grief; so I got +the whisky. It happened I had just one bottle in the house, and that was +some perfectly terrible whisky that had been sent me by mistake. It was +liquid barbed wire. Even a little drink of it would of been severe. Two +drinks would make you climb a tree like a monkey. But the stricken Oswald +seemed able to outfight it. He poured out half a tumblerful, drunk it +neat and refused water. He strangled some, for he was only human after +all. Then he sagged down on the couch and looked up at me with a feeble +and pathetic grin and says: + +"I'm afraid I've done something. I'm really afraid I have." + +He had me in a fine state by this time. The only thing I could think of +was that he had killed the Prof by accident. I waited for the horrible +details, being too scared to ask questions. + +"I'm afraid," he says, "that I've locked the keys of my new trunk inside +of it. I'm afraid I really have! And what does one do in such a case?" + +I nearly broke down then. I was in grave danger of fatal hysterics. +I suffered from the reaction. I couldn't trust myself; so I got over +to the door, where my face wouldn't show, and called to the Prof and +Lydia. I now heard them out on the porch. Then I edged outside the +door, where people wouldn't be quite so scared if I lost control of +myself and yelled. + +Then these two went in and listened to Oswald's solemn words. The Prof +helped me out a lot. He yelled good. He yelled his head off; and under +cover of his tumult I managed to get in a few whoops of my own, so that +I could once more act something like a lady when I went in. + +Lydia, the porch wren, was the only one to take Oswald's bereavement at +all decent. The chit was sucking a stick of candy she had shoved down +into a lemon. Having run out of town candy, one of the boys had fetched +her some of the old-fashioned stick kind, with pink stripes; she would +ram one of these down to the bottom of a lemon and suck up the juice +through the candy. She looked entirely useless while she was doing this, +and yet she was the only one to show any human sympathy. + +She asked the stricken man how it happened, and he told the whole +horrible story--how he always kept the keys hanging on this little +brass hook inside the trunk so he would know where they was, and how he +had shut the trunk in a hurry to get it out of the way of the table legs, +and the spring lock had snapped. And what did one do now--if anything? + +"Why, it's perfectly simple! You open it some other way," says Lydia. + +"Ah, but how?" says Oswald. "Those trunks are superbly built. How can +one?" + +"Oh, it must be easy," says Lydia, still clinging to her candy sour. +"I'll open it for you to-morrow if you will remind me." + +"Remind you?" says Oswald in low, tragic tones. You could see he was +never going to think of anything else the rest of his life. + +By this time the Prof and I had controlled our heartless merriment; so we +all traipsed in to the scene of this here calamity and looked at the shut +trunk. It was shut good; no doubt about that. There was also no doubt +about the keys being inside. + +"You can hear them rattle!" says the awed Oswald, teetering the trunk on +one corner. So each one of us took a turn and teetered the trunk back and +forth and heard the imprisoned keys jingle against the side where they +was hung. + +"But what's to be done?" says Oswald. "Of course something must be done." +That seemed to be about where Oswald got off. + +"Why, simply open it some other way," says Lydia, which seemed to be +about where she got off, too. + +"But how?" moans the despairing man. And she again says: + +"Oh, it must be too simple!" + +At that she was sounding the only note of hope Oswald could hear; and +right then I believe he looked at her fair and square for the first time +in his life. He was finding a woman his only comforter in his darkest +hour. + +The Prof took it lightly indeed. He teetered the trunk jauntily and says: + +"Your device was admirable; you will always know where those keys are." +Then he teetered it again and says, like he was lecturing on a platform: +"This is an ideal problem for the metaphysical mind. Here, veritably, +is life itself. We pick it up, we shake it, and we hear the tantalizing +key to existence rattle plainly just inside. We know the key to be there; +we hear it in every manifestation of life. Our problem is to think it +out. It is simple, as my child has again and again pointed out. Sit there +before your trunk and think effectively, with precision. You will then +think the key out. I would take it in hand myself, but I have had a hard +day." + +Then Lydia releases her candy long enough to say how about finding +some other trunk keys that will unlock it. Oswald is both hurt and made +hopeful by this. He don't like to think his beautiful trunk could respond +to any but its rightful key; it would seem kind of a slur against its +integrity. Still, he says it may be tried. Lydia says try it, of course; +and if no other key unlocks it she will pick the lock with a hairpin. +Oswald is again bruised by this suggestion; but he bears up like a man. +And so we dig up all the trunk keys and other small keys we can find and +try to fool that trunk. And nothing doing! + +"I was confident of it," says Oswald; he's really disappointed, yet proud +as Punch because his trunk refuses coldly to recognize these strange +keys. + +Then Lydia brings a bunch of hairpins and starts to be a burglar. She +says in clear tones that it is perfectly simple; and she keeps on saying +exactly this after she's bent the whole pack out of shape and not won a +trick. Yet she cheered Oswald a lot, in spite of her failures. She never +for one instant give in that it wasn't simple to open a trunk without the +key. + +But it was getting pretty late for one night, so Oswald and Lydia knocked +off and set out on the porch a while. Oswald seemed to be awakening +to her true woman's character, which comes out clad in glory at times +when things happen. She told him she would sure have that trunk opened +to-morrow with some more hairpins--or something. + +But in the morning she rushed to Oswald and said they would have the +blacksmith up to open it. He would be sure to open it in one minute with +a few tools; and how stupid of her not to of thought of it before! I +liked that way she left Oswald out of any brain work that had to be done. +So they sent out to Abner to do the job, telling him what was wanted. + +Abner is a simple soul. He come over with a hammer and a cold chisel to +cut the lock off. He said there wasn't any other way. Oswald listened +with horror to this cold-blooded plan of murder and sent Abner sternly +away. Lydia was indignant, too, at the painful suggestion. She said Abner +was a shocking old bounder. + +Then Oswald had to go out to his field work; but his heart couldn't +of been in it that day. I'll bet he could of found the carcass of a +petrified zebra with seven legs and not been elated by it. He had +only the sweet encouragement of Lydia to brace him. He was depending +pathetically on that young woman. + +He got back that night to find that Lydia had used up another pack of +hairpins and a number of the tools from my sewing machine. All had been +black failure, but she still said it was perfectly simple. She never lost +the note of hope out of her voice. Oswald was distressed, but he had to +regard her more and more like an object of human interest. + +She now said it was a simple matter of more keys. So the next day I sent +one of the boys down to Red Gap; and he rode a good horse to its finish +and come back with about five dozen nice little trunk keys with sawed +edges. They looked cheerful and adequate, and we spent a long, jolly +evening trying 'em out. Not one come anywhere near getting results. + +Oswald's trunk was still haughty, in spite of all these overtures. Oswald +was again puffed up with pride, it having been shown that his trunk was +no common trunk. He said right out that probably the only two keys in all +the world that would open that lock was the two hanging inside. He never +passed the trunk without rocking it to hear their sad tinkle. + +Lydia again said, nonsense! It was perfectly simple to open a trunk +without the right key. Oswald didn't believe her, and yet he couldn't +help taking comfort from her. I guess that was this girl's particular +genius--not giving up when everyone else could see that she was talking +half-witted. Anyway, she was as certain as ever, and I guess Oswald +believed her in spite of himself. His ponderous scientific brain told +him one thing in plain terms, and yet he was leaning on the words of a +chit that wouldn't know a carboniferous vertebra from an Upper Silurian +gerumpsus. + +The keys had gone back, hairpins was proved to be no good, and scientific +analysis had fell down flat. There was the trunk and there was the keys +inside; and Oswald was taking on a year in age every day of his life. He +was pretty soon going to be as old as the world if something didn't +happen. He'd got so that every time he rocked the trunk to hear the keys +rattle he'd shake his head like the doctor shakes it at a moving-picture +deathbed to show that all is over. He was in a pitch-black cavern miles +underground, with one tiny candle beam from a possible rescuer faintly +showing from afar, which was the childish certainty of this oldest living +debutante that it was perfectly simple for a woman to do something +impossible. She was just blue-eyed confidence. + +After the men left one morning on their hunt for long-defunct wood ticks +and such, Lydia confided to me that she was really going to open that +trunk. She was going to put her mind on it. She hadn't done this yet, +it seemed, but to-day she would. + +"The poor boy has been rudely jarred in his academic serenity," says she. +"He can't bear up much longer; he has rats in his wainscoting right now. +It makes me perfectly furious to see a man so helpless without a woman. +Today I'll open his silly old trunk for him." + +"It will be the best day's work you ever done," I says, and she nearly +blushed. + +"I'm not thinking of that," she says. + +The little liar! As if she hadn't seen as well as I had how Oswald was +regarding her with new eyes. So I wished her good luck and started out +myself, having some field work of my own to do that day in measuring +a lot of haystacks down at the lower end of the ranch. + +She said there would be no luck in it--nothing but cool determination +and a woman's intuition. I let it go at that and went off to see that +I didn't get none of the worst of it when this new hay was measured. +I had a busy day, forgetting all scientific problems and the uphill fight +our sex sometimes has in bringing a man to his just mating sense. + +I got back about five that night. Here was Miss Lydia, cool and negligent +on the porch, like she'd never had a care in the world; fresh dressed in +something white and blue, with her niftiest hammock stockings, and +tinkling the ukulele in a bored and petulant manner. + +"Did you open it?" I says as I went in. + +"Open it?" she says, kind of blank. "Oh, you mean that silly old trunk! +Yes, I believe I did. At least I think I did." + +It was good stage acting; an audience would of thought she had forgotten. +So I took it as calm as she did and went in to change. + +By the time I got out the men was just coming in, the Prof being +enthusiastic about some clamshells of the year six million B. C. and +Oswald bearing his great sorrow with an effort to do it bravely. + +Lydia nodded distantly and then ignored the men in a pointed way, +breaking out into rapid chatter to me about the lack of society up +here--didn't I weary of the solitude, never meeting people of the right +sort? It was a new line with her and done for effect, but I couldn't +see what effect. + +Supper was ready and we hurried in to it; so I guess Oswald must of +forgot for one time to shake his trunk and listen to the pretty little +keys. And all through the meal Lydia confined her attentions entirely to +me. She ignored Oswald mostly, but if she did notice him she patronized +him. She was painfully superior to him, and severe and short, like he was +a little boy that had been let to come to the table with the grown-ups +for this once. She rattled along to me about the club dances at home, +and how they was going to have better music this year, and how the +assembly hall had been done over in a perfectly dandy colour scheme by +the committee she was on, and a lot of girlish babble that took up much +room but weighed little. + +Oswald would give her side looks of dumb appeal from time to time, for +she had not once referred to anything so common as a trunk. He must of +felt that her moral support had been withdrawn and he was left to face +the dread future alone. He probably figured that she'd had to give up +about the trunk and was diverting attention from her surrender. He hardly +spoke a word and disappeared with a look of yearning when we left the +table. The rest of us went out on the porch. Lydia was teasing the +ukulele when Oswald appeared a few minutes later, with great excitement +showing in his worn face. + +"I can hear the keys no longer," says he; "not a sound of them! Mustn't +they have fallen from the hook?" + +Lydia went on stripping little chords from the strings while she answered +him in lofty accents. + +"Keys?" she says. "What keys? What is the man talking of? Oh, you mean +that silly old trunk! Are you really still maundering about that? Of +course the keys aren't there! I took them out when I opened it to-day. I +thought you wanted them taken out. Wasn't that what you wanted the trunk +open for--to get the keys? Have I done something stupid? Of course I can +put them back and shut it again if you only want to listen to them." + +Oswald had been glaring at her with his mouth open like an Upper Triassic +catfish. He tried to speak, but couldn't move his face, which seemed to +be frozen. Lydia goes on dealing off little tinkles of string music in a +tired, bored way and turns confidentially to me to say she supposes there +is really almost no society up here in the true sense of the word. + +"You opened that trunk?" says Oswald at last in tones like a tragedian at +his big scene. + +Lydia turned to him quite prettily impatient, as if he was something +she'd have to brush off in a minute. + +"Dear, dear!" she says. "Of course I opened it. I told you again and +again it was perfectly simple. I don't see why you made so much fuss +about it." + +Oswald turned and galloped off to his room with a glad shout. That showed +the male of him, didn't it?--not staying for words of gratitude to his +saviour, but beating it straight to the trunk. + +Lydia got up and swaggered after him. She had been swaggering all the +evening. She acted like a duchess at a slumming party. The Prof and I +followed her. + +Oswald was teetering the trunk in the old familiar way, with one ear +fastened to its shiny side. + +"It's true! It's true!" he says in hushed tones. "The keys are gone." + +"Naughty, naughty!" says Lydia. "Haven't I told you I took them out?" + +Oswald went over and set limply down on his bed, while we stood in the +doorway. + +"How did you ever do it?" says he with shining eyes. + +"It was perfectly simple," says Lydia. "I simply opened it--that's all!" + +"I have always suspected that the great secret of life would be almost +too simple when once solved," says the Prof. + +"It only needed a bit of thought," says the chit. + +Then Oswald must of had a sudden pang of fear. He flew over and examined +the lock and all the front surface of his treasure. He was looking for +signs of rough work, thinking she might of broken into it in some coarse +manner. But not a scratch could he find. He looked up at Lydia out of +eyes moist with gratitude. + +"You wonderful, wonderful woman!" says he, and any one could know he +meant it from the heart out. + +Lydia was still superior and languid, and covered up a slight yawn. +She said she was glad if any little thing she could do had made life +pleasanter for him. This has been such a perfectly simple thing--very, +very far from wonderful. + +Oswald now begun to caper round the room like an Airedale pup, and says +let's have the keys and open the trunk up, so he can believe his own +eyes. + +Then Lydia trifled once more with a human soul. She froze in deep thought +a long minute then says: + +"Oh, dear! Now what did I do with those wretched old keys?" + +Oswald froze, too, with a new agony. Lydia put a hand to her pale +forehead and seemed to try to remember. There was an awful silence. +Oswald was dashed over the cliff again. + +"Can't you think?" says the wounded man. "Can't you remember? Try! Try!" + +"Now let me see," says Lydia. "I know I had them out in the living +room--" + +"Why did you ever take them out there?" demands Oswald in great terror; +but the heroine pays no attention whatever to this. + +"--and later, I think--I think--I must have carried them into my room. +Oh, yes; now I remember I did. And then I emptied my wastebasket into the +kitchen stove. Now I wonder if they could have been in with that rubbish +I burned! Let me think!" And she thought again deeply. + +Oswald give a hollow groan, like some of the very finest chords in his +being had been tore asunder. He sunk limp on the bed again. + +"Wouldn't it be awkward if they were in that rubbish?" says Lydia. +"Do you suppose that fire would destroy the silly things? Let me think +again." + +The fiend kept this up for three minutes more. It must of seemed longer +to Oswald than it takes for a chinch bug to become a carboniferous +Jurassic. She was committing sabotage on him in the cruellest way. +Then, after watching his death agony with cold eyes and pretending to +wonder like a rattled angel, she brightens up and says: + +"Oh, goody! Now I remember everything. I placed them right here." And she +picked the keys off the table, where they had been hid under some +specimens of the dead and gone. + +Oswald give one athletic leap and had the precious things out of her +feeble grasp in half a second. His fingers trembled horrible, but he +had a key in the lock and turned it and threw the sides of the grand +old monument wide open. He just hung there a minute in ecstasy, fondling +the keys and getting his nerve back. Then he turns again on Lydia the +look of a proud man who is ready to surrender his whole future life to +her keeping. + +Lydia had now become more superior than ever. She swaggered round the +room, and when she didn't swagger she strutted. And she says to Oswald: + +"I'm going to make one little suggestion, because you seem so utterly +helpless: You must get a nice doormat to lay directly in front of your +trunk, and you must always keep the key under this mat. Lock the trunk +and hide the key there. It's what people always do, and it will be quite +safe, because no one would ever think of looking under a doormat for a +key. Now isn't that a perfectly darling plan?" + +Oswald had looked serious and attentive when she begun this talk, but he +finally got suspicious that she was making some silly kind of a joke. He +grinned at her very foolish and again says: "You wonderful woman!" It was +a caressing tone--if you know what I mean. + +Lydia says "Oh, dear, won't he ever stop his silly chatter about his +stupid old trunk?" It seems to her that nothing but trunk has been talked +of in this house for untold ages. She's tired to death of the very word. +Then she links her arm in mine in a sweet girlish fashion and leads me +outside, where she becomes a mere twittering porch wren once more. + +Oswald followed, you can bet. And every five minutes he'd ask her how did +she ever--really now--open the trunk. But whenever he'd ask she would put +the loud pedal on the ukulele and burst into some beachy song about You +and I Together in the Moonlight, Love. Even the Prof got curious and +demanded how she had done what real brains had failed to pull off--and +got the same noisy answer. Later he said he had been wrong to ask. He +said the answer would prove to be too brutally simple, and he always +wanted to keep it in his thought life as a mystery. It looked like he'd +have to. I was dying to know myself, but had sense enough not to ask. + +The girl hardly spoke to Oswald again that night, merely giving him these +cold showers of superiority when he would thrust himself on her notice. +And she kept me out there with her till bedtime, not giving the happy +trunk owner a chance at her alone. That girl had certainly learned a few +things beyond fudge and cheese straws in her time. She knew when she had +the game won. + +Sure, it was all over with Oswald. He had only one more night when he +could call himself a free man; he tried hard enough not to have even +that. He looked like he wanted to put a fence round the girl, elk-high +and bull-tight. Of course it's possible he was landed by the earnest wish +to find out how she had opened his trunk; but she never will tell him +that. She discussed it calmly with me after all was over. She said poor +Oswald had been the victim of scientific curiosity, but really it was +time for her to settle down. + +We was in her room at the time and she was looking at the tiny lines +round her eyes when she said it. She said, further, that she was about +to plan her going-away gown. I asked what it would be, and she said she +hadn't decided yet, but it would be something youth-giving. Pretty game, +that was! And now Oswald has someone to guard his trunk keys for him--to +say nothing of this here new specimen of organic fauna. + + * * * * * + +Then I talked. I said I was unable to reach the lofty altitude of the +Prof when even a fair mystery was concerned. I was more like Oswald with +his childish curiosity. How, then, did the young woman open the trunk? +Of course, I could guess the answer. She had found she could really do it +with a hairpin, and had held off for effect. Still, I wanted to be told. + +"Nothing easy like that," said Ma Pettengill. "She'd been honest with the +hairpins. She didn't tell me till the day before they were leaving. 'It +was a perfectly simple problem, requiring only a bit of thought,' she +says. 'It was the simple thing people do when they find their front door +locked. They go round to the back of the house and pry up a kitchen +window, or something.' She pledged me to secrecy, but I guess you won't +let it go any farther. + +"Anyway, this is what she done: It was a time for brutal measures, so +she'd had Abner wheel that trunk over to the blacksmith shop and take the +hinges off. Abner just loves to do any work he don't have to do, and he +had entered cordially into the spirit of this adventure. It used up his +whole day, for which he was drawing three dollars from me. He took off +one side of four pair of hinges, opened the trunk at the back far enough +to reach in for the keys, unlocked it and fastened the hinges back on +again. + +"It was some job. These hinges was riveted on and didn't come loose easy. +The rear of that trunk must of been one sad mutilation. It probably won't +ever again be the trunk it once was. Abner had to hustle to get through +in one day. I wish I could get the old hound to work for me that way. +They'd just got the trunk back when I rode in that night. It was nervy, +all right! I asked her if she wasn't afraid he would see the many traces +of this rough work she had done. + +"'Not a chance on earth!' says Lydia. 'I knew he would never look at any +place but the front. He has the mind of a true scientist. It wouldn't +occur to him in a million years that there is any other way but the +front way to get into a trunk. I painted over the rivets and the bruises +as well as I could, but I'm sure he will never look there. He may notice +it by accident in the years to come, but the poor chap will then have +other worries, I hope.' + +"Such was the chit. I don't know. Mebbe woman has her place in the great +world after all. Anyway, she'll be a help to Oswald. Whatever he ain't +she is." + + + + +VII + +CHANGE OF VENUS + + +Ma Pettengill and I rode labouring horses up a steep way between two +rocky hillsides that doubled the rays of the high sun back upon us and +smothered the little breeze that tried to follow us up from the flat +lands of the Arrowhead. We breathed the pointed smell of the sage and we +breathed the thick, hot dust that hung lazily about us; a dust like +powdered chocolate, that cloyed and choked. + +As recreation it was blighting; and I said almost as much. Ma Pettengill +was deaf to it, her gray head in its broad-brimmed hat sternly bowed in +meditation as she wove to her horse's motion. Then I became aware that +she talked to another; one who was not there. She said things I was sure +he would not have liked to hear. She hung choice insults upon his name +and blistered his fair repute with calumnies. She was a geyser of +invective, quiet perhaps for fifty yards, then grandly in action. + +"Call yourself a cowman, hey? What you ought to be is matron of a +foundling asylum. Yes, sir!" + +This was among the least fearful of her dusty scornings. And I knew +she would be addressing one Homer Gale, temporary riding boss of the +Arrowhead. Indeed, Homer's slightly pleading accents were now very +colourably imitated by his embittered employer: + +"Yes'm, Mis' Pettengill, it's a matter of life and death; no less. I got +to git off for two days--a matter of life and death. Yes'm; I just got +to!" + +On the completion of this a hoarse hoot of scorn boomed through the haze +and Homer was told that men like himself often caused perfectly decent +people to be tried for murder. And again Homer's rightful job was echoed +as "Matron of a foundling asylum!" + +I felt the embarrassment of one unwittingly come upon the adjustment of +a private grievance. I dropped delicately a few paces behind, unnoticed, +I thought; but Ma Pettengill waited for me to overtake her again. + +Then, as we pushed through the dust together, she told me that her days +were swifter than a weaver's shuttle and spent without hope. If it wasn't +one thing it was another. What she'd like--she'd like to wake up in a +strange place and find she'd clean forgot her name and address, like +these here parties you read about in the papers. And why wouldn't she? A +dry year; feed short on the range; water holes dusty that never did go +dry before; half a hay crop and winter threatening right spang in the +summertime! Think of having to gather cattle off the range in the middle +of August when other times you could let 'em run till the middle of +October! In fact, this was the kind of a year that cattle raisers had a +technical term for. It was known technically as one hell of a year, if +I wanted to be told. + +And having to do the work with mental defectives and cripples and +Bolsheviki, because every able-bodied puncher in the country had +gone over to create a disturbance in Europe! Hadn't she combed out +the county hospital and poor farm to get a haying crew? Didn't the +best cowboy now on the pay roll wear a derby hat and ride a motorcycle +by preference? And paying seventy-five dollars to these imitation +punchers to fight her gentle saddle horses, no colt, it seemed, having +been ridden on the place in the memory of man. + +She didn't know; taking one thing with another, sometimes she almost +wished that the world was going to stay unsafe for democracy. + +Of course this technically described bad year wasn't so bad one way, +because the sheepmen would sure get a tasty wallop, sheep being mighty +informal about dying with the weather below zero and scant feed. When +cattle wasn't hardly feeling annoyed sheep would lie down and quit +intruding on honest cattle raisers for all time. Just a little attention +from a party with a skinning knife was all they needed after that. And so +on, back to Homer Gale, who had gone to Red Gap for two days on a matter +of life and death--and of this the less repeated here the better. + +Now our narrow way spread to a valley where the sun's rays were more +widely diffused and the dust less pervasive. We could see a mile ahead +to a vaster cloud of dust. This floated over a band of Arrowhead cattle +being driven in from a range no longer sustaining. They were being driven +by Bolsheviki, so my informant disclosed. + +We halted above the road and waited for the dusty creatures to plod by us +down to the pleasant lea where feed was still to be had and water was +sweet. Then came the Bolshevik rear guard. It consisted of Silas +Atterbury and four immature grandchildren. + +Grandpa Atterbury was ninety-three and doing his first labour since he +retired, at eighty-five. The grandchildren, two male and two female, +should have been playing childish games. And they were Bolsheviki, +all because they had refused to bring in this bunch of stock except +for the wage customarily paid to trained adults. Even the youngest, +known as Sissy Atterbury, aged eight and looking younger, despite her +gray coating of powdered alkali, had tenaciously held out for a grown +man's pay, which made her something even worse than a Bolshevik; it +made her an I.W.W. + +But, as Ma Pettengill said, what could a lady do when Fate had a +stranglehold on her. There was, indeed, nothing to do but tell Sissy to +tell one of her incendiary brothers to get up close to grandpa, and yell +good and loud at him, and make him understand he was to get a count on +that bunch at the first gate, because it didn't look to us that there was +over three hundred head where there ought to be at least five hundred. + +And then there was nothing to do but ride ahead of the toiling beasts +and again down the narrow way that would bring us to the lowlands of the +Arrowhead, where the dust no longer choked and one could see green and +smell water. From the last mesa we looked out over the Arrowhead's flat +fields, six thousand acres under fence, with the ranch house and +outbuildings hazy in the distance. + +It was a pleasant prospect and warmed Ma Pettengill from her mood of +chill negation. She remarked upon the goodliness of the scene, quite as +if the present were not a technical year for cattle raisers. Then, as +we jogged the six miles home by peaceful thoroughfares, the lady, being +questioned persistently and suitably, spoke with utter freedom of Homer +Gale, who had shamefully deserted his job for two days at the busiest +end of the season, when a white man wouldn't of thought of leaving, even +on a matter of life and death. + +Had Homer the shadow of an excuse? We shall see. + +Well, then, this here celluloid imitation of a cowman that I been using +violent words about come into the valley three years ago and rapidly got +a lot of fame by reason of being a confirmed bachelor and hating the +young of the human species with bitterness and constancy. I was the one +that brought him in; I admit that. First time I seen him he was being a +roistering blade in the Fashion Waffle Kitchen down at Red Gap. He was +with Sandy Sawtelle and a couple other boys from the ranch here, and +Sandy tells me later that he is looking for work, being a good cowhand. +I said he looked like something else, being dressed in an uproarious +check suit of clothes that would instantly of collected a crowd in most +city streets. But Sandy says that's all right; he's a regler cowman and +had to wear these startling garments for a disguise to get him safe out +of Idaho. + +It seems he'd been crowded out of that thriving state by a yearning +and determined milliner that had witnesses a-plenty and intended to +do something about it. Defendant claimed he hadn't even meant anything +of the sort and was just being a good pal; but it looked like the cruel +teeth of the law was going to bite right into his savings if this +breach-of-promise suit ever come to trial, the lady having letters from +him in black and white. So Homer had made a strategic retreat, avoiding +contact with the enemy, and here he was. And how about taking him on at +the Arrowhead, where he could begin a new life? + +Needing another hand just then, I fussed none at all about Homer's +scandalous past. I said he could throw in with us; and he did. When he +got dressed in a legal manner he looked like he couldn't be anything else +but a cowhand. About forty and reliable, he looked. So I sent him to a +summer camp over on the Madeline plains, where I had a bunch of cattle on +government range. Bert Glasgow lived in a shack with his wife and family +there and had general charge, and Homer was to begin his new life by +helping Bert. + +His new life threatened to be short. He showed up here late the third +night after he went over, looking sad and desperate and hunted. He did +look that way more or less at all times, having one of these long, sad +moustaches and a kind of a bit-into face. This night he looked worse than +usual. I thought the hellhounds of the law from Idaho might of took up +his winding trail; but no. It was the rosy-cheeked tots of Mr. and Mrs. +Bert Glasgow that had sent him out into the night. + +"Say," he says, "I wouldn't have you think I was a quitter, but if you +want to suicide me just send me back to that horrible place. Children!" +he says. "That's all; just children! Dozens of 'em! Running all over the +place, into everything, under everything, climbing up on you, sticking +their fingers into your eyes--making life unbearable for man and beast. +You never once let on to me," he says reproachfully, "that this Bert had +children." + +"No," I says; "and I never let on to you that he's got a mole on his chin +either. What of that?" + +Then the poor lollop tries to tell me what of it. I saw he really had +been under a nervous strain, all right. Suffering had put its hot iron +on him. First, he just naturally loathed children anyway. Hadn't he run +away from a good home in Iowa when he was sixteen, account of being the +oldest of seven? He said some things in general about children that would +of got him no applause at a mothers' meeting. He was simply afraid to +look a child in the eye; and, from what he'd like to do to 'em all, it +seemed like his real middle name was Molech. Wasn't that the party with +hostile views about children? Anyway, you could see that Homer's idea of +a real swell festivity would be to hide out by an orphan asylum some +night until the little ones had said their prayers and was tucked all +peaceful into their trundle beds and then set fire to the edifice in +eight places after disconnecting the fire alarm. That was Homer, and he +was honest; he just couldn't help it. + +And Bert's tikes had drove him mad with their playful antics. He said +he'd be set down for a bite of dinner and one of 'em would climb up his +back and feel his hair--not saying a word, just taking hold of it; then +it would jump down and another would climb up and do the same thing, and +him not daring to defend himself. He'd got so worked up he was afraid to +stay on the place. + +"And you know," he says--"what I can't understand--danged if Bert don't +seem to kind of like 'em. You may think I'm a liar, but he waited for one +the other morning when it squealed at him and kept a hold of its hand +clean down to the hay barn. What do you think of that? And besides these +that go round infesting the place outside he's got a short yearling and a +long two-year-old that have to be night-herded. I listened to 'em every +night. One yelled and strangled all last night, till I s'posed, of +course, it was going to perish everlastingly; but here this morning it +was acting like nothing at all had happened. + +"All I can say is, Bert don't have much luck. And that littlest yeller +always unswallowing its meals with no effort whatever! It's horrible! +And the mother, with no strength of character--feeble-minded, I +reckon--coddles 'em! She never did cuss 'em out proper or act human +toward 'em. Kids like them, what they need--upside down and three quick +hard ones. I know!" + +I was fool enough to argue with him a bit, trying to see if he didn't +have a lick of sense. I told him to look how happy Bert was; and how +his family had made a man of him, him getting more money and saving more +than ever in his past life. Homer said what good would all that money do +him? He'd only fool it away on his wife and children. + +"He regrets it, all right," says Homer. "I says to myself the other day: +'I bet a cookie he'd like to be carefree and happy like me!'" + +Homer was a piker, even when he made bets with himself. And the short of +it was I sent a man that didn't hate children over to Bert's and kept +Homer on the place here. + +He stayed three months and said it was heaven, account of not having them +unnecessary evils on the place that would squirm round a man's legs and +feel of his hair and hide round corners and peek at him and whisper about +him. Then I changed foremen and Scott Humphrey, the new one, brought +three towheads with him of an age to cause Homer the anguish of the +damned, which they done on the first day they got here by playing that he +was a horse and other wild animals, and trying to pull the rest of his +hair out. + +He come in and cut himself out of my life the day after, shaking his head +and saying he couldn't think what the world was coming to. As near as I +could make him, his idea was that the world was going to be swamped with +young ones if something wasn't done about it, like using squirrel poison +or gopher traps. + +I felt like I wanted to cuff him up to a peak and knock the peak off; but +I merely joked and said it was too bad his own folks hadn't come to think +that way while he could still be handled easy. I also warned him it was +going to be hard to find a job without more or less children on the +outskirts, because ours was a growing state. He said there must be a few +sane people left in the world. And, sure enough, he gets a job over to +the Mortimers'--Uncle Henry and Aunt Mollie being past seventy and having +nothing to distress Homer. + +Of course the secret of this scoundrel's get-away from Idaho had got +round the valley, making him a marked man. It was seen that he was a born +flirt, but one who retained his native caution even at the most trying +moments. Here and there in the valley was a hard-working widow that the +right man could of consoled, and a few singles that would of listened to +reason if properly approached; and by them it was said that Homer was a +fiend for caution. He would act like one of them that simply won't take +no for an answer--up to a certain point. He would seem to be going fur +in merry banter, but never to words that the law could put any expensive +construction on. He would ride round to different ranches and mingle at +dances and picnics, and giggle and conduct himself like one doomed from +the cradle to be woman's prey--but that was all. + +Funny how he'd escaped through the years, him having apparently the weak +and pliant nature that makes the ideal husband, and having reached the +time of life when he was putting sheep dip on his hair where the lining +shone through on top. But so it was. And his views on children had also +become widely known. Mothers used to grab up their youngest ones when +he'd go into the post office down at Kulanch or meet one on the road. +He made no hit at all with such views among them that had learned better. +Still there was hopeful ones that thought he might be made to take a joke +sooner or later, and the fact that he was known to save his wages and had +a nice little stake laid by didn't work against him any with such parties +as might have a chance to be swept off their feet by him in a mad moment. + +Then over at the Mortimers' place he meets Mrs. Judson Tolliver, a +plausible widow lady who come into the valley every once in a while to +do sewing round at different ranches. She was a good-built, impressive +person, with a persuading manner; one of these competent ones that can +take charge of affairs and conduct them unassisted, and will do so if +not stopped. Uncle Henry Mortimer brought her to the house in his light +wagon one morning, with her sewing machine in the back. And Homer was +there to help her out and help out with the machine and see it was placed +right in the sitting room; and then help out with her satchel and ask in +a gentlemanly manner if everything was all right--and everything was: +Thank you so much, Mr. Gale! + +This party was no simpering schoolgirl. She was thirty-five or so and +square-jawed, and did her hair plain, and had a managing voice that +would go good at club meetings. She read library books and was a good +conversationalist. And what did she do the first evening, when Homer was +mending one of his shirts by the kitchen lamp, but wrench it away from +him roguishly and do the job herself, while she entertained him with +conversation. It was bound to be entertaining, for she started in about +what trials children was to their tormented parents and how the world +would be brighter and better if it consisted entirely of adults. + +Any one might of thought she'd been hearing gossip about Homer's likes +and dislikes. I know that's what I thought afterward, when he opened his +soul to me. She said what a mercy it was that half a dozen yelling demons +wasn't in this house at that moment to make life an evil thing for all. +And Homer sunned right up and took the talk away from her. While she done +his mending he spoke heatedly of little children in his well-known happy +vein, relating many incidents in his blasted career that had brought him +to these views. The lady listened with deep attention, saying "Ah, yes, +Mr. Gale!" from time to time, and letting on there must be a strong bond +of sympathy between them because he expressed in choice words what she +had so often felt. + +Homer must of been kind of swept off his feet at that very moment, +and the rapids just below him. I guess he'd already been made mushy +sentimental by seeing the ideal romantic marriage between Uncle Henry and +his wife--forty years or so together and still able to set down in peace +and quiet without having something squirm over you to see what you had in +your pockets or ask what made your hair come out that funny way, till you +wished a couple she-bears would rush out and devour forty-two of 'em. + +It was the first of quite many evenings when Homer and the lady would +set with a dish of apples and fried cakes between 'em and denounce +the world's posterity. The lady was even suffering grave doubts about +marriage. She said having to make her own way after she lost her husband +had made her relish her independence too much to think of ever giving it +up again lightly. Of course she wouldn't say that possibly at some time +in the dim future a congenial mate that thought as she did on vital +topics--and so forth--just enough to give Homer a feeling of security +that was wholly unwarranted. Wasn't he the heedless Hugo? + +He was quite wordy about the lady to me when he come over on an errand +one day. He told me all about these delightful talks of theirs, and what +an attractive person she was, sound as a nut, and companionable and +good-looking without being one of these painted dolls. He said, to see +her above her sewing, she was a lovely view that he never tired of gazing +at, and to hear her loathe children was music to the ear. He said she +was a rare woman. I said she must be and asked him if he had committed +himself. + +"Well, I don't say I have and I don't say I haven't," he says; "but here +I be, standing with reluctant feet at the parting of the ways. And who +knows what might happen? I know I've had some darned close shaves from +doing a whole lot worse in my time." + +So I wished him the best of luck with this lady child hater; not that I +thought he'd really get what was coming to him. He was so crafty. He was +one of them that love not well but too wisely, as the saying is. Still, +there was a chance. He was scared to death of fire and yet he would keep +on playing with it. Some day the merry old flames might lick him up. I +hoped for the best. + +A few days after that I went down to the foreman's house late in the +afternoon to see him about a shipment we had to make. Scott was off +somewhere, but his sister was in; so I set talking with her, and +waiting. This here Minna Humphrey was a hectic, blighted girl of thirty, +sandy-haired, green-eyed, and little--no bigger than a bar of soap after +a day's washing. What had blighted the poor thing was having to teach +public school for a dozen years. She'd been teaching down to Kulanche +that year and had just closed up. We set out in front of the house and +Minna told me she was all in; and how she'd ever got through the season +she didn't know. + +She went on to speak of little children. Fire in her voice? Murder! +According to Minna, children had ought to be put in cages soon as they +can walk and kept there till they are grown; fed through the bars and +shot down if they break out. That's what twelve years' enforced contact +with 'em had done to Minna's finer instincts. She said absolutely nothing +in the world could be so repugnant to her as a roomful of the little +animals writing on slates with squeaky pencils. She said other things +about 'em that done her no credit. + +And while I listened painfully who should be riding up but Homer Gale! + +"Here," I says to Minna; "here's a man you'll be a joyous treat to; just +let him come in and listen to your song a while. Begin at the beginning +and say it all slow, and let Homer have some happy moments." + +So I introduced the two, and after a few formalities was got over I had +Minna telling in a heartfelt manner what teaching a public school was +like, and what a tortured life she led among creatures that should never +be treated as human. Homer listened with glistening eyes that got quite +moist at the last. Minna went on to say that children's mothers was +almost as bad, raging in to pick a fuss with her every time a child had +been disciplined for some piece of deviltry. She said mothers give her +pretty near as much trouble as the kids themselves. + +It was a joyous and painful narrative to Homer. He said why didn't Minna +take up something else? And Minna said she was going to. She'd been +working two summers in Judge Ballard's office, down to Red Gap, and was +going to again this summer, soon as she regained a little vitality; and +she hoped now she'd have a steady job there and never have to go back to +the old life of degradation. Homer sympathized warmly; his heart had +really been touched. He hoped she'd rise out of the depths to something +tolerable; and then he told her about Bert's five horrible children that +drove him out into the brush--and so forth. + +I listened in a while; and then I says to Homer ain't it nice for him to +meet someone else that thinks as he does on this great vital topic, Minna +seeming to find young ones as repulsive as Mrs. Judson Tolliver? And how +about that lady anyway? And how is his affair coming on? I never dreamed +of starting anything. I was being friendly. + +Homer gets vivacious and smirks something horrible, and says, well, he +don't see why people make a secret of such things; and the fact is that +that lady and him have about decided that Fate has flung 'em together +for a lofty purpose. Of course nothing was settled definite yet--no dates +nor anything; but probably before long there'd be a nice little home +adorning a certain place he'd kept his eye on, and someone there keeping +a light in the window for him--and so on. It sounded almost too good to +be true that this old shellback had been harpooned at last. + +Then Minna spoke up, when Homer had babbled to a finish, and smirked and +looked highly offensive. She says brightly: + +"Oh, yes; Mrs. Judson Tolliver. I know her well; and I'm sure, Mr. Gale, +I wish you all the happiness in the world with the woman of your choice. +She's a very sterling character indeed--and such a good mother!" + +"How's that?" says Homer. "I didn't hear you just right. Such a good +what?" + +"I said she's such a good mother," Minna answers him. + +Homer's smirk kind of froze on his face. + +"Mother to what?" he says in a low, passionate tone, like an actor. + +"Mother to her three little ones," says Minna. Then she says again quick: +"Why, what's the matter, Mr. Gale?" For Homer seemed to have been took +bad. + +"Great Godfrey!" he says, hardly able to get his voice. + +"And, of course, you won't mind my saying it," Minna goes on, "because +you seem so broad-minded about children, but when I taught primary in Red +Gap last year those three little boys of hers gave me more trouble than +any other two dozen of the pests in the whole room." + +Homer couldn't say anything this time. He looked like a doctor was +knifing him without anesthetics. + +"And to make it worse," says Minna, "the mother is so crazy about them, +and so sensitive about any little thing done to them in the way of +discipline--really, she has very little control of her language where +those children are concerned. Still, of course, that's how any good +mother will act, to be sure; and especially when they have no father. + +"I'm glad indeed the poor woman is to have someone like you that will +take the responsibility off her shoulders, because those boys are now at +an age where discipline counts. Of course she'll expect you to be gentle +with them, even though firm. Oswald--he's eleven now, I believe--will +soon be old enough to send to reform school; but the younger ones, seven +and nine--My! such spirits as they have! They'll really need someone +with strength." + +Homer was looking as if this bright chatter would add twenty years to his +age. He'd slumped down on the stoop, where he'd been setting, like he'd +had a stroke. + +"So she's that kind, is she?" he kind of mutters. "A good thing I found +it out on her!" + +"The children live with their grandmother in Red Gap while their mother +is away," says Minna. "They really need a strong hand." + +"Not mine!" says Homer. Then he got slowly up and staggered down a few +steps toward the gate. "It's a good thing I found out this scandal on her +in time," says he. "Talk about underhandedness! Talk about a woman hiding +her guilty secret! Talk about infamy! I'll expose her, all right. I'm +going straight to her and tell her I know all. I'll make her cower in +shame!" He's out on his horse with his reckless threat. + +"Now you've sunk the ship," I says to Minna. "I knew the woman was +leading a double life as fur as Homer was concerned, but I wasn't going +to let on to the poor zany. It's time he was speared, and this would of +been a judgment on him that his best friends would of relished keenly. +Lots of us was looking forward to the tragedy with great pleasure. You +spoiled a lot of fun for the valley." + +"But it would not have been right," says Minna. "It would truly have been +the blackest of tragedies to a man of Mr. Gale's sensitive fibres. You +can't enter into his feelings because you never taught primary. Also, I +think he is very far from being a poor zany, as you have chosen to call +him." The poor thing was warm and valiant when she finished this, looking +like Joan of Arc or someone just before the battle. + +And Homer never went back and made the lady cower like he said he meant +to. Mebbe it occurred to him on the way that she was not one of them that +cower easy. Mebbe he felt he was dealing with a desperate adventuress, as +cunning as she was false-hearted. Anyway, he weakened like so many folks +that start off brave to tell someone so-and-so right to their faces. He +didn't go back at all till the middle of the night, when he pussyfooted +in and got his things out, and disappeared like he had stumbled down a +well. + +Uncle Henry had to feed his own stock next morning, while Mrs. Tolliver +took on in great alarm and wanted a posse formed to rescue Homer from +wherever he was. Her first idea was that he had been kidnapped and was +being held for ransom; but someway she couldn't get any one else very +hearty about this notion. So then she said he had been murdered, or was +lying off in the brush somewhere with a broken leg. + +It was pointed out to her that Homer wouldn't be likely to come and +collect all his things in the night in order to keep a date with an +assassin, or even to have his leg broke. About the third day she guessed +pretty close to the awful truth and spoke a few calm words about putting +her case in the hands of some good lawyer. + +The valley was interested. It looked like a chance for the laugh of the +year. It looked like the lightnings of a just heaven had struck where +they was long overdue. Then it was discovered that Homer was hiding out +over in the hills with a man after coyotes with traps and poison. His job +must of appealed to Homer's cynical nature at that moment--anything with +traps and poison in it. + +Dave Pickens was the man that found him, he not having much else to do. +And he let Homer know the worst he could think of without mincing words. +He said the deserted fiancee was going to bring suit against Homer for +one hundred thousand dollars--that being the biggest sum Dave could think +of--for breach of promise, and Homer might as well come out and face the +music. + +Homer did come out, bold as brass. He'd been afraid the lady might +gun him or act violent with something; but if she wasn't threatening +anything but legal violence he didn't care. He just couldn't conceive +that a lady with three children could make a suit like that stick against +any man--especially three children that was known to be hellions. He +didn't even believe the lady would start a suit--not with the facts of +her shame known far and wide. He was jaunty and defiant about this, and +come right out of hiding and agreed to work for me again, Scott Humphrey +having sent his wife and children on a visit to Grandma Humphrey. + +But, lands. He didn't earn his salt. Friends and well-wishers took the +jauntiness all out of him in no time. Parties rode from far and near to +put him wise. Ranchers from ten miles up and down the creek would drop +important work just to ride over and tell him harsh facts about the law, +and how, as man to man, it looked dark indeed for him. These parties told +him that the possession of three children by a lawful widow was not +regarded as criminal by our best courts. It wasn't even considered +shameful. And it was further pointed out by many of the same comforters +that the children would really be a help to the lady in her suit, +cinching the sympathy of a jury. + +Also, they didn't neglect to tell him that probably half the jury would +be women--wives and mothers. And what chance would he have with women +when they was told how he regarded children? He spent a good half of the +time I paid him for in listening to these friendly words. They give Homer +an entirely new slant on our boasted civilization and lowered it a whole +lot in his esteem. + +About the only person in the whole valley that wasn't laughing at him and +giving him false sympathy with a sting in its tail was Minna Humphrey. +Homer told her all about the foul conspiracy against his fortune, and how +his life would be blasted by marrying into a family with three outcasts +like he'd been told these was. And what was our courts coming to if their +records could be stained by blackmailers. + +And Minna give him the honest sympathy of a woman who had taught school +twelve years, loathed the sight of any human under twenty, and even +considered that the institution of marriage had been greatly overpraised. +Certainly she felt it was not for her; and she could understand Homer's +wanting to escape. She and him would set out and discuss his chances long +after he had ought to of been in bed if he was going to earn his pay. + +Minna admitted that things looked dark for him on account of the insane +prejudice that would be against him for his views on children. She said +he couldn't expect anything like a fair trial where these was known even +with a jury of his peers; and it was quite true that probably only five +or six of the jury would be his peers, the rest being women. + +Homer told me about these talks--out of working hours, you can bet! How +Minna was the only person round that would stand by anyone in trouble; +how she loathed kids, and even loathed the thought of human marriage. + +"Minna is a nice girl," I told him; "but I should think you'd learn not +to pay attention to a woman that talks about children that way. Remember +this other lady talked the same way about 'em before the scandal come +out." + +But he was indignant that any one could suspect Minna's child hating +wasn't honest. + +"That little girl is pure as a prism!" he says. "When she says she hates +'em, she hates 'em. The other depraved creature was only working on my +better nature." + +"Well," I says, "the case does look black; but mebbe you could settle for +a mere five thousand dollars." + +"It wouldn't be a mere five thousand dollars," says Homer; "it would be +the savings of a lifetime of honest toil and watching the pennies. That's +all I got." + +"Serves you right, then," I says, "for not having got married years ago +and having little ones of your own about your knee!" + +Homer shuddered painfully when I said this. He started to answer +something back, but just choked up and couldn't. + +The adventuress had, of course, sent letters and messages to Homer. The +early ones had been pleading, but the last one wasn't. It was more in the +nature of a base threat if closely analyzed. Then she finished up her +sewing at the Mortimers' and departed for Red Gap, leaving a final +announcement to anybody it concerned that she would now find out if there +was any law in the land to protect a defenseless woman in her sacred +right to motherhood. + +Homer shivered when he heard it and begun to think of making another +get-away, like he had done from Idaho. He thought more about it when +someone come back from town and said she was really consulting a +lawyer. + +He'd of gone, I guess, if Minna hadn't kept cheering him up with sympathy +and hating children with him. Homer was one desperate man, but still he +couldn't tear himself away from Minna. + +Then one morning he gets a letter from the Red Gap lawyer. It says his +client, Mrs. Judson Tolliver, has directed him to bring suit against +Homer for five thousand dollars; and would Homer mebbe like to save the +additional cost--which would be heavy, of course--by settling the matter +out of court and avoiding pain for all? + +Homer was in a state where he almost fell for this offer. It was that or +facing a jury that would have it in for him, anyway, or disappearing like +he had done in Idaho; only this lady was highly determined, and reports +had already come to him that he would be watched and nailed if he tried +to leave. It would mean being hounded from pillar to post, even if he did +get away. He went down and put it up to Minna, as I heard later. + +"I'm a desperate man," he says, "being hounded by this here catamount; +and mebbe it's best to give in." + +"It's outrageous!" says Minna. "Of course you don't care about the money; +but it's the principle of the thing." + +"Well, yes and no," says Homer. "You might say I care some about the +money. That's plain nature, and I never denied I was human." + +So they went on to discuss it back and forth warmly, when a +misunderstanding arose that I was very careful to get the rights +of a couple of weeks later. + +Minna went over the old ground that Homer could never get a fair trial; +then she brightened up all at once and says: + +"Don't you pay it. Don't you do it; because you won't have to if you do +what I say." + +Homer gets excited and says: + +"Yes, yes; go on!" + +And Minna goes on. + +"When people can't get fair trials in a place," she says, "they always +take change of venues." + +"Change of venues?" says Homer, kind of uneasy, it seemed. + +"Certainly," says Minna: "they take change of venues. I've worked in +Judge Ballard's office long enough to know that much. Why didn't I think +of it before? It's your one chance to escape this creature's snare." + +"Change of venues?" says Homer again, kind of aghast. + +"It's your only way out," says Minna; "and I'll do everything I can--" + +"You will?" says Homer. + +"Why, of course!" says Minna. "Any thing--" + +"All right, then," says Homer. "You get your things on, and I'll saddle +your horse and bring him round." + +"What for?" demands Minna. + +"I'm a desperate man!" says Homer. "You say it's the only way out, and +you know the law; so come along to Kulanche with me." And he beat if off +to the barn. + +Well, Minna had said she'd do anything she could, thinking she'd +write herself to Judge Ballard and find out all the details; but if +Homer wanted her to go to Kulanche with him and try to start the thing +there--why, all right. She was ready when Homer come with her horse and +off they rode on the twelve-mile trip. + +I gather that not much was said on the way by Homer who only muttered +like a fever patient from time to time, with Minna saying once in a while +how glad she was she had thought up this one sure way out of his trouble. + +At Kulanche they rode up in front of Old Man Geiger's office, who is +justice of the peace. + +"Wait here a minute," says Homer, and went inside. Pretty soon he come +out and got her. "Come on, now," he says, "I got it all fixed." + +And Minna goes in, thinking mebbe she's got to swear to an affidavit or +something that Homer couldn't get a fair trial among people knowing he +regarded little ones as so many cockroaches or something to step on. + +She got some shock when Homer took her inside and held her tight by the +wrist while Old Man Geiger married 'em. That's about the way it was. She +says she was so weak she could hardly stand up, and she hadn't hardly any +voice at all left. But she kept on saying "Why, Homer!" and "Oh, Homer!" +and "No, no, Homer!" as soon as she discovered that she had been dragged +off to a fate she had always regarded as worse than death; but a lot of +good it done her to say them things in a voice not much better than a +whisper. + +And the dreadful thing was over before she could get strength to say +anything more powerful. There she was, married to a man she thought +highly of, it's true, and had a great sympathy for in the foul wrong one +of her sex had tried to slip over on him; but a man she had never thought +of marrying. I'm telling you what she told me. And after sentence had +been pronounced she kept on saying "Why, Homer!" and "Oh, Homer!" and +"No, no, Homer!" till there was nothing to do but get some clothes out of +her trunk that she'd left down there in time to take the narrow gauge for +their wedding tour to Spokane. + +The news spread over the valley next day like a brush fire in August. It +was startling! Like the newspapers say of a suicide, "No cause could be +assigned for the rash act." They was away ten days and come back to find +the whole country was again giving Homer the laugh because Mrs. Tolliver +had up and married a prosperous widower from over in Surprise Valley, and +had never brought any suit against him. It was said that even the late +Mrs. Tolliver was laughing heartily at him. + +Homer didn't seem to care, and Minna certainly didn't. She was the +old-fashioned kind of wife, a kind you don't hear much of nowadays; the +kind that regards her husband as perfect, and looks up to him. She told +me about the tumultuous wedding. Neither of 'em had had time for any talk +till they got on the train. Then it come out. She says why ever did Homer +do such a monstrous thing? And Homer says: + +"Well, you told me a change of Venus was the only way out for me--" + +"I said a change of venue," says Minna. + +"It sounded like change of Venus," says Homer, "and I knew Venus was the +god of love. And you said you was willing and I knew we was congenial, +and I was a desperate man; and so here we are!" + +So she cried on his shoulder for twenty miles while he ate a box of figs. + +Homer is now a solid citizen, with his money put into a place down at the +lower end of the valley, instead of lying in the bank at the mercy of +some unscrupulous woman with little ones. And here this summer, with his +own work light, he's been helping me out as riding boss; or, at least I +been lavishing money on him for that. + +A fine, dependable hand, too! Here was this bunch of stock to be got in +from Madeline--them Bolshevik ain't gathered more'n two thirds of 'em; +and there's more to come in from over Horse Fly Mountain way, and still +another bunch from out of the Sheep Creek country--the busiest month in a +bad year, when I needed every man, woman, and child to be had, and here +comes Homer, the mush-head, taking two days off! + +"Yes'm, Mis' Pettengill; I just got to take time off to go down to Red +Gap. It's a matter of life and death. Yes'm; it is. No'm; I wouldn't dast +send any one, and Minna agrees I'm the only one to go--" Shucks! + +The lady built a cigarette and, after lighting it, turned back to scan +the mesa we had descended. The cattle now crowded down the narrow way +into the valley, their dust mounting in a high, slow cloud. + +"Call yourself a cowman, do you?" she demanded of the absent Homer. +"Huh!" Then we rode on. + +"What was the matter of life and death?" I asked. + +Ma Pettengill expelled cigarette smoke venomously from inflated nostrils +like a tired dragon. + +"The matter of life and death was that he had to get two teething rings +for the twins." + +"Twins!" + +"Oh, the valley got it's final laugh at Homer! Twins, sure! Most of us +laughed heartily, though there was mothers that said it was God's +judgment on the couple. Of course Homer and Minna ain't took it that way. +They took it more like they had been selected out of the whole world as a +couple worthy to have a blessed miracle happen to 'em. There might of +been single babies born now and then to common folks, but never a case +of twins--and twins like these! Marvels of strength and beauty, having to +be guarded day and night against colic and kidnappers. + +"They had 'em down to the post office at Kulanche the other day showing +'em off, each one in a red shawl; and sneering at people with only one. +And this imbecile Homer says to me: + +"'Of course it can't be hoped,' he says, 'that this great world war will +last that long; but if it could last till these boys was in shape to +fight I bet it wouldn't last much after that. Yes, sir; little Roosevelt +and Pershing would soon put an end to that scrap!' + +"And now they're teething and got to have rubber rings. And no, he +couldn't send any one down for 'em; and he couldn't order 'em by mail +either, because they got to be just the right kind. + +"'Poor little Pershing is right feverish with his gums,' says Homer, 'but +little Roosevelt has got a front one through already. He bit my thumb +yesterday with it--darned near to the bone. He did so!' + +"Calls himself a cowman, does he? He might of been--once. Now he ain't no +more than a woman's home companion!" + + + + +VIII + +CAN HAPPEN! + + +Lew Wee, prized Chinese chef of the Arrowhead Ranch, had butchered, +cooked, and served two young roosters for the evening meal with a +finesse that cried for tribute. As he replaced the evening lamp on the +cleared table in the big living room he listened to my fulsome praise of +his artistry as Marshal Foch might hear me say that I considered him a +rather good strategist. Lew Wee heard but gave no sign, as one set above +the petty adulation of compelled worshipers. Yet I knew his secret soul +made festival of my words and would have been hurt by their withholding. +This is his way. Not the least furtive lightening of his subtle eyes +hinted that I had pleased him. + +He presently withdrew to his tiny room off the kitchen, where, as was +his evening custom for half an hour, he coaxed an amazing number of +squealing or whining notes from his two-stringed fiddle. I pictured him +as he played. He would be seated in his wicker armchair beside a little +table on which a lamp glowed, the room tightly closed, window down, +door shut, a fast-burning brown-paper cigarette to make the atmosphere +more noxious. After many more of the cigarettes had made it all but +impossible, Lew Wee, with the lamp brightly burning, as it would burn the +night through--for devils of an injurious sort and in great numbers will +fearlessly enter a dark room--he would lie down to refreshing sleep. That +fantasy of ventilation! Lew Wee always sleeps in an air-tight room packed +with cigarette smoke, and a lamp turned high at his couchside; and Lew +Wee is hardy. + +He played over and over now a plaintive little air of minors that put +a gentle appeal through two closed doors. It is one he plays a great +deal. He has told me its meaning. He says--speaking with a not unpleasant +condescension--that this little tune will mean: "Life comes like a +bird-song through the open windows of the heart." It sounds quite like +that and is a very satisfying little song, with no beginning or end. + +He played it now, over and over, wanderingly and at leisure, and I +pictured his rapt face above the whining fiddle; the face, say, of the +Philosopher Mang, sage of the second degree and disciple of Confucius, +who was lifted from earth by the gods in a time we call B.C. but which +was then thought to be a fresh, new, late time; the face of subtle eyes +and guarded dignity. And I wondered, as I had often wondered, whether Lew +Wee, lone alien in the abiding place of mad folks, did not suffer a vast +homesickness for his sane kith, who do not misspend their days building +up certain grotesque animals to slaughter them for a dubious food. True, +he had the compensation of believing invincibly that the Arrowhead Ranch +and all its concerns lay upon his own slightly bowed shoulders; that the +thing would fast crumble upon his severance from it. But I questioned +whether this were adequate. I felt him to be a man of sorrow if not of +tragedy. Vaguely he reached me as one who had survived some colossal +buffeting. + +As I mused upon this Ma Pettengill sorted the evening mail and to Lew Wee +she now took his San Francisco newspaper, _Young China,_ and a letter. +Half an hour later Lew Wee brought wood to replenish the fire. He +disposed of this and absently brushed the hearth with a turkey wing. +Then he straightened the rug, crossed the room, and straightened on the +farther wall a framed portrait in colour of Majestic Folly, a prize bull +of the Hereford strain. Then he drew a curtain, flicked dust from a +corner of the table, and made a slow way to the kitchen door, pausing +to alter slightly the angle of a chair against the wall. + +Ma Pettengill, at the table, was far in the Red Gap _Recorder_ for the +previous day. I was unoccupied and I watched Lew Wee. He was doing +something human; he was lingering for a purpose. He straightened another +chair and wiped dust from the gilt frame of another picture, Architect's +Drawing of the Pettengill Block, Corner Fourth and Main streets, Red Gap, +Washington. From this feat he went softly to the kitchen door, where he +looked back; hung waiting in the silence. He had made no sound, yet he +had conveyed to his employer a wish for speech. She looked up at him from +the lamp's glow, chin down, brows raised, and eyes inquiring of him over +shining nose glasses. + +"My Uncle's store, Hankow, burn' down," said Lew Wee. + +"Why, wasn't that too bad!" said Ma Pettengill. + +"Can happen!" said Lew Wee positively. + +"Too bad!" said Ma Pettengill again. + +"I send him nine hundred dollars your money. Money burn, too," said Lew +Wee. + +"Now, now! Well, that certainly is too bad! What a shame!" + +"Can happen!" affirmed Lew Wee. + +It was colourless. He was not treating his loss lightly nor yet was he +bewailing it. + +"You put your money in the bank next time," warned his employer sharply, +"instead of letting it lie round in some flimsy Chinee junk shop. They're +always burning." + +Lew Wee regarded her with a stilled face. + +"Can happen!" he again murmured. + +He was the least bit insistent, as if she could not yet have heard +this utterly sufficing truth. Then he was out; and a moment later the +two-stringed fiddle whined a little song through two closed doors. + +I said something acute and original about the ingrained fatalism of the +Oriental races. + +Ma Pettengill laid down her paper, put aside her glasses, and said, yes, +Chinee one fatal race; feeling fatal thataway was what made 'em such good +help. Because why? Because, going to work at such-and-such a place, this +here fatal feeling made 'em think one place was no worse than another; so +why not stick here? If other races felt as fatal as the Chinee race it +would make a grand difference in the help problem. She'd bet a million +dollars right now that a lot of people wished the Swedes and Irish had +fatal feelings like that. + +I said Lew Wee had the look of one ever expecting the worst; even more +than the average of his race. + +"It ain't that," said my hostess. "He don't expect anything at all; or +mebbe everything. He takes what comes. If it's good or bad, he says, 'Can +happen!' in the same tone of voice; and that ends it. There he is now, +knowing that all this good money he saved by hard labour has gone up in +smoke, and paying the loss no more attention that if he'd merely broke a +string on that squeaky long-necked contraption he saws." + +"He seems careless enough with his money, certainly." + +"Sure, because he don't believe it does the least good to be careful." + +From a cloth sack the speaker poured tobacco into a longitudinally +creased brown paper and adeptly fashioned something in the nature of a +cigarette. + +"Ain't I been telling him for a year to buy Liberty Bonds with his money? +He did buy two, being very pro-American on account of once having a +violent difference with a German; and he's impressed with the button +the Government lets him wear for it. He feels like the President has made +him a mandarin or something; but if the whole Government went flooey +to-morrow he'd just say, 'Can happen!' and pick up his funny fiddle. Of +course it ain't human, but it helps to keep help. I had him six years +now, and the only thing that can't happen is his leaving. I don't say +there wasn't reasons why he first took the place." + +Reasons? So there had been reasons in the life of Lew Wee. I had +suspected as much. I found something guarded and timid and long-suffering +in his demeanour. He bore, I thought, the searing memory of an ordeal. + +"Reasons!" I said, waiting. + +"Reasons for coming this far in the first place. Wanted to save his life. +I don't know why, with that fatal idea he sticks to. Habit, probably. +Anyway, he had trouble saving it--kind of a feverish week." + +She lighted the cigarette and chuckled hoarsely between the first +relishing whiffs of it. + +"Yes, sir; that poor boy believes the country between here and the +coast is inhabited by savages; wild hill tribes that try to exterminate +peaceful travellers; a low kind of outlaws that can't understand a word +you tell 'em and act violent if you try to say it over. And having got +here, past the demons, I figure he's afraid to go back. I don't blame +him." + +Ordinarily, this would have been enough. Now the lady merely smoked and +chuckled. When I again uttered "Well?" with a tinge of rebuke, she came +down from her musing, but into another and distant field. It was the +field of natural history, of zoology, of vertebrates, mammals, furred +quadrupeds--or, in short, skunks. One may as well be blunt in this +matter. + +Ma Pettengill said the skunk got too little credit for its lovely +character, it being the friendliest wild animal known to man and never +offensive except when put upon. Wasn't we all offensive at those times? +And just because the skunk happened to be superbly gifted in this +respect, was that any reason to ostracize him? + +"I ain't sayin' I'd like to mix with one when he's vexed," continued the +lady judicially; "but why vex 'em? They never look for trouble; then why +force it on their notice? Take one summer, years ago, when Lysander John +and I had a camp up above Dry Forks. My lands! Every night after supper +the prettiest gang of skunks would frolic down off the hillside and romp +round us. Here would come Pa and Ma in the lead, and mebbe a couple of +aunts and uncles and four or five of the cunningest little ones, and +they'd all snoop fearlessly round the cook fire and the grub boxes, +picking up scraps of food--right round under my feet, mind you--and +looking up now and then and saying, 'Thank you!' plain as anything, and +what lovely weather we're having, and why don't you come up and see us +some time?--and so on. They kept it up for a month while we was there; +and I couldn't want neater, nicer neighbours. + +"Lysander John, he used to get some nervous, especially after one chased +him back into the tent late one night; but it was only wanting to play +like a mere puppy, I tells him. He'd heard a noise and rushed out, and +there the little thing was kind of waltzing in the moonlight, whirling +round and round and having a splendid time. When it came bounding toward +him--I guess that was the only time in his life Lysander John was scared +helpless. He busted back into the tent a mere palsied wreck of his former +self; but the cute little minx just come up and sniffed at the flap in a +friendly way, like it wanted to reassure him. I wanted him to go out and +play with it in the moonlight. He wouldn't. I liked 'em round the place, +they was so neighbourly and calm. Of course if I'd ever stepped on one, +or acted sudden-- + +"They also tame easy and make affectionate pets. Ralph Waldo Gusted, over +on Elkhorn, that traps 'em in winter to make First-Quality Labrador +Sealskin cloaks--his children got two in the house they play with like +kittens; and he says himself the skunk has been talked about in a loose +and unthinking way. He says a pet skunk is not only a fine mouser but +leads a far more righteous life than a cat, which is given to debauchery +and cursing in the night. Yes, sir; they're the most trusting and +friendly critters in all the woods if not imposed upon--after that, +to be sure!" + +I said yes, yes, and undoubtedly, and all very interesting, and well and +good in its place; but, really, was this its place? I wanted Lew Wee's +reasons for believing in the existence of savage hill tribes between +there and San Francisco. + +"Yes; and San Francisco is worse," said the lady. "He believes that city +to be ready for mob violence at any moment. Wild crowds get together and +yell and surge round on the least provocation. He says it's different in +China, the people there not being crazy." + +"Well, then, we can get on with this mystery." + +So Ma Pettengill said we could; and we did indeed. + +This here chink seems to of been a carefree child up to the time the +civilized world went crazy with a version for him. He was a good cook +and had a good job at a swell country club down the peninsula from San +Francisco. The hours was easy and he was close enough to the city to +get in once or twice a week and mingle with his kind. He could pass an +evening with the older set, playing fan-tan and electing a new president +of the Chinee race, or go to the Chinee theatre and set in a box and chew +sugar cane; or he could have a nice time at the clubrooms of the Young +China Progressive Association, playing poker for money. Once in a while +he'd mix in a tong war, he being well thought of as a hatchet man--only +they don't use hatchets, but automatics; in fact, all Nature seemed to +smile on him. + +Well, right near this country club one of his six hundred thousand +cousins worked as gardener for a man, and this man kept many beautiful +chickens--so Lew Wee says. And he says a strange and wicked night animal +crept into the home of these beautiful birds and slew about a dozen of +'em by biting 'em under their wings. The man told his cousin that the +wicked night animal must be a skunk and that his cousin should catch him +in a trap. So the cousin told Lew Wee that the wicked night animal was a +skunk and that he was going to catch him in a trap. Lew Wee thought it +was interesting. + +He went up to the city and in the course of a pleasant evening at fan-tan +he told about the slain chickens that were so beautiful, and how the +night animal that done it would be caught in a trap. A great friend of +Lew Wee's was present, a wonderful doctor. Lew Wee still says he is the +most wonderful doctor in the world, knowing things about medicines that +the white doctors can't ever find out, these being things that the Chinee +doctors found out over fifteen thousand years ago, and therefore true. +The doctor's name was Doctor Hong Foy, and he was a rich doctor. And he +says to Lew Wee that he needs a skunk for medicine, and if any one will +bring him a live skunk in good condition he will pay twenty-five dollars +in American money for same. + +Lew Wee says he won't be needing that skunk much longer--or words to +that effect--because he will get this one from the trap. Doctor Hong +Foy is much pleased and says the twenty-five American dollars is eager +to become Lew Wee's for this animal, alive and in good condition. + +Lew Wee goes back, and the next day his cousin says he set a trap and the +night skunk entered it, but he was strong like a lion and had busted out +and bit some more chickens under the wing, and then went away from there. +He showed Lew Wee the trap and Lew Wee seen it wasn't the right kind, but +he knows how to make the right kind and will do so if the skunk can +become entirely his property when caught. + +The cousin, without the least argument, agreed heartily to this. He was +honest enough. He explained carefully that the skunk was wished to be +caught to keep it from biting chickens under the wing, causing them to +die, and not for any value whatever it might have to the person catching +it. He says it will be beneficial to catch the skunk, but not to keep it; +that a skunk is not nice after being caught, and Lew Wee is more than +welcome to it if he will make a right trap. The cousin himself was +probably one of these fatal "Can happen!" boys. When Lew Wee says he must +have the skunk alive and in good condition he just looked at him in a +distant manner that Lew Wee afterward remembered; but he only said: "Oh, +very well!" in his native language. + +Lew Wee then found a small peaked-roofed chicken coop, with stout +slats on it, and made a figure-four trap, and put something for bait +on the pointed stick and set the trap, and begun right off to squander +twenty-five dollars that was to come as easy as picking it up in the +road. + +There wasn't any breakfast trade at the country club and Lew Wee was able +to get over across the golf links to the chicken place early the next +morning. The cousin was some distance from the chicken place, hoeing a +bed of artichokes, but he told Lew Wee his trap had been a very wonderful +trap and the night animal was safe caught. Lew Wee was surprised at his +cousin's indifference and thought he should of been over there looking at +the prize. But not so. The cousin was keeping some distance off. He just +told Lew Wee that there was his animal and that he should take it away +with as little disturbance as possible, which would be better far and +near for all concerned. He was strangely cool about it. + +But Lew Wee was full of pleasant excitement and run swiftly to his trap. +Sure enough! There was a nice big beautiful skunk in his trap. Lew Wee +had never seen one. He said it was more beautiful than a golden pheasant, +with rich, shiny black fur and a lovely white stripe starting from its +face and running straight down on each side of its back; and it had a +wonderful waving tail, like a plume. He looked at it joyfully through the +slats. It was setting down comfortably when he come up; so he spoke to +it in a friendly way. Then it got up and yawned and stretched itself, +looking entirely self-possessed, but kind of bored, I suppose, like this +was a poor sort of practical joke to play on a gentleman; so now would +someone kindly lift this box off him? + +The proud owner danced about it in great glee and told it how the nice +doctor wouldn't hurt it any, but would give it a good home, with chicken +for supper, mebbe, and so on. Then he went back to his cousin and give +him a pack of cigarettes, out of his overflowing heart, and asked where +was something he could put his wild animal in and take it to town to his +great friend Doctor Hong Foy, who had a desire for it. + +The cousin took the cigarettes, but he looked at Lew Wee a long time, +like he didn't understand Chinee at all. Lew Wee said it all over again. +He wanted something to take the wild animal to town in, because the +chicken coop it was now in hadn't any bottom; and was too big, anyway. + +The cousin again looked at him a long time, like one in a trance. Then, +without any silly talk, he went over to the barn and handed Lew Wee a +bran sack. + +Lew Wee said that was just the thing; and would the cousin come over +and help him in case the animal would be timid and not want to go in +the sack? The cousin said he would not. And he didn't go back to the +artichokes. He went to a bed of cauliflower clear at the other end of +the garden, after giving Lew Wee another of them long "Can happen!" +looks, which signify that we live in a strange and terrible world. + +Lew Wee went back alone to his prize, finding it still calm, like a +gentleman in his club. He reassured it with some more cheerful words. +He had a thought right then, he says; kind of a sudden fear. He had been +told the first day by his cousin, and also by his great friend Doctor +Hong Foy, that the skunk gave out a strong scent disagreeable to many +people. But this one he'd caught didn't have any scent of any kind. So +mebbe that meant it wasn't in good condition and Doctor Hong Foy wouldn't +wish it for twenty-five dollars. However, it was sure a skunk, and looked +strong and healthy and worth taking in to the doctor, who could then tell +about its condition. + +Lew Wee opened the neck of the bag, laid it on the ground close by him, +got down on his knees, and carefully raised one side of the coop. The +wild animal looked more beautiful than ever; and it didn't seem alarmed, +but just the tiniest mite suspicious. It must of looked like it was +saying it was entirely willing to be friendly, but you couldn't ever tell +about these Chinamen. Lew Wee reached a hand slowly over toward it and it +moved against the back of the coop, very watchful. Then Lew Wee made a +quick grab and caught the back of its neck neatly. + +Of course this showed at once that a Chinaman wasn't to be trusted, and +Lew Wee says it put up a fierce fight, being so quick and muscular as to +surprise him. He was fully engaged for at least thirty seconds; the +animal clawed and squirmed and twisted, and it bit in the clinches and +almost got away. He was breathing hard when he finally got his wild +animal into the sack and the neck tied. + +He says he didn't actually realize until then, what with all the +excitement, that something had gone kind of wrong. He was not only +breathing hard but it was hard breathing. He says he felt awful good +at that moment. He had been afraid his animal might not be in good +condition, but it undoubtedly was. He thought right off that if one in +just ordinary good condition was worth twenty-five dollars to Doctor Hong +Foy, then this one might be worth as much as thirty-five, or even forty. +He thought it must be the best wild animal of that kind in the world. + +So he picked up the sack, with his prize squirming and swearing inside, +and threw it over his shoulder and started back to the country club. He +stopped a minute to thank his cousin once more; but his cousin seen him +coming and run swiftly off in a strange manner, as if not wishing to be +thanked again. Then Lew Wee went on across a field and over the golf +links. His idea was to take the little animal to his room in the +clubhouse and keep it there until night, when he could take it into +town and get all that money for it. He was quite happy and wished he +hadn't scared the poor thing so. + +He thought when he got to his room he might let it out of the sack to +play round there in freedom during the day. He spent the twenty-five +dollars for different things on the way over the golf links. He told me +he knew perfectly well that his pet would be likely to attract notice; +but he didn't realize how much. A Chinese is a wonder. He can very soon +get used to anything. + +But Lew Wee never did get to his room again. When he got up near the +clubhouse some fine people were getting out of a shiny purple motor car +as big as a palace, and they had golf sticks in bags. One of 'em was a +big red-faced man with a fierce gray moustache, and this man begun to +yell at Lew Wee in a remarkable manner. The words being in a foreign +language, he couldn't make 'em out well, but the sense of it was that +the big man wanted him to go away from there. Lew Wee knew he wasn't +working for this man, who was only a club member; so he paid no attention +to him beyond waving his hand friendly, and went on round toward the back +entrance. + +Then out of the side entrance come the chief steward, also yelling, and +this was the man he was working for; so he stopped to listen. It wasn't +for long. He lost a good job as cook in no time at all. Of course that +never bothers a Chinee any; but when he started in to get his things +from his room the steward picked up a golf club with an iron end and +threatened to hurt him, and some of the kitchen help run round from the +back with knives flashing, and the big red-faced man was yelling to the +steward to send for a policeman, and some ladies that had got out of +another big car had run halfway across the golf links, as if pursued by +something, and more people from the inside come to the door and yelled at +him and made motions he should go away; so he thought he better not try +to get his things just then. He couldn't see why all the turmoil, even if +he had got something in prime condition for his friend Doctor Hong Foy. + +It was noticeable, he thought; but nothing to make all this fuss about, +especially if the fools would just let him get it to his own room, where +it could become quiet again, like when he had first seen it in the trap. +But he saw they wasn't going to let him, and the big man had gone in the +front way and was now shaking both fists at him through a side window +that was closed; so he thought, all right, he'd leave 'em flat, without +a cook--and a golf tournament was on that day, too! He was twenty-five +dollars to the good and he could easy get another job. + +So he waved good-bye to all of 'em and went down the road half a mile +to the car line. He was building air castles by that time. He says it +occurred to him that Doctor Hong Foy might like many of these wild +animals, at twenty-five dollars each; and he might take up the work +steady. It was exciting and sporty, and would make him suddenly rich. +Mebbe it wasn't as pleasant work as his cousin did, spending his time +round gardens and greenhouses; but it was more adventurous. He really +liked it, and he would get even more used to it in time so he wouldn't +hardly notice it at all. As he stood there waiting for a trolley car he +must of thought up a whole headful of things he'd buy with all these +sudden emoluments. Several motor cars passed while he waited and he +noticed that folks in 'em all turned to look at him in an excited way. +But he knew all Americans was crazy and liable to be mad about something. + +Pretty soon a car stopped and some people got off the front end. They +stopped short and begun to look all round 'em in a frightened manner--two +ladies and a child and an old man. The conductor also stepped off and +looked round in a frightened manner; but he jumped back on the car quick. +Lew Wee then hopped on to the back platform, with his baggage, just as it +started on. It started quick and was going forty miles an hour by the +time he'd got the door open. The two women in the car screamed at him +like maniacs, and before he'd got comfortably set down the conductor had +opened the front door and started for him. He got halfway down the car; +then he started back and made a long speech at him from the front end, +while the car stopped like it had hit a mountain, throwing everyone off +their seats. + +Lew Wee gathered that he was being directed to get off the car quickly. +The other passengers had crowded back by the conductor and was telling +him the same thing. One old gentleman with a cane, who mebbe couldn't +walk good, had took up his cane and busted a window quick and had his +head outside. Lew Wee thought he was an anarchist, busting up property +that way. Also the motorman, who had stopped the car so soon, was now +shaking a brass weapon at him over the heads of the others. So he thought +he might as well get off the car and save all this talk. He'd got his +fare out, but he put it back in his pocket and picked up his sack and +went out in a very dignified way, even if they was threatening him. He +knew he had something worth twenty-five dollars in his sack, and they +probably didn't know it or they wouldn't act that way. + +He set down and waited for another car, still spending his money. + +The next one slowed down for him; but all at once it started up again +more swift than the wind, he says; and he could see that the motorman +was a coward about something, because he looked greatly frightened when +he flew by the spot. He never saw one go so fast as this one did after it +had slowed up for him. It looked like the motorman would soon be arrested +for driving his car too fast. He then had the same trouble with another +car; it slowed up, but was off again before it stopped, and the people in +it looked out at him kind of horrified. + +It begun to look like he wasn't going to ride to the city in a trolley +car. Pretty soon along the road come a Japanese man he knew. His name +was Suzuki Katsuzo; and Lew Wee says that, though nothing but a Japanese, +he is in many respects a decent man. Suzuki passed him, going round in a +wide circle, and stopped to give him some good advice. He refused to come +a step nearer, even after Lew Wee told him that what he had in the sack +was worth a lot of money. + +Suzuki was very polite, but he didn't want to come any nearer, even +after that. He told Lew Wee he was almost certain they didn't want him +on street cars with it, no matter if it was worth thousands of dollars. +It might be worth that much, and very likely was if the price depended on +its condition. But the best and most peaceful way for Lew Wee was to find +a motor car going that way and ask the gentleman driving it to let him +ride; he said it would be better, too, to pick out a motor car without a +top to it, because the other kind are often shut up too tightly for such +affairs as this, like street cars. He said the persons in street cars are +common persons, and do not care if a thing is worth thousands of dollars +or not if they don't like to have it in the car with them. He didn't +believe it would make any difference to them if something like this was +worth a million dollars in American gold. + +So Lew Wee thanked Suzuki Katsuzo, who went quickly on his way; and then +he tried to stop a few motor cars. It seemed like they was as timid as +street cars. People would slow up when they seen him in the road and then +step on the gas like it was a matter of life and death. Lew Wee must of +said "Can happen!" a number of times that morning. + +Finally, along come a German. He was driving a big motor truck full of +empty beer kegs, and Lew Wee says the German himself was a drinking man +and had been drinking so much beer that he could nearly go to sleep while +driving the car. + +He slowed up and stopped when he saw Lew Wee in the middle of the road. +Lew Wee said he wanted to go to San Francisco and would give the driver a +dollar to let him ride back on the beer kegs. The driver said: "Let's see +the dollar." And took it and said: "All right, John; get up." Then he +sniffed the air several times and said it seemed like there had been a +skunk round. Lew Wee didn't tell him he had it in his bag because the +driver might know how much it was worth and try foul play on him to get +possession of it. So they started on, and the German, who had been +drinking, settled into a kind of doze at the wheel. + +Lew Wee was up on the beer kegs and enjoying himself like a rich +gentleman riding to the city in his motor car. It was kind of nice, in +spite of being used to his pet, to be going through the air so fast. + +The German seemed to be getting sobered up by something, and after +about five or six miles he stopped the car and yelled to Lew Wee that +a skunk had been round this place, too; and mebbe he had run over one. +Lew Wee looked noncommittal; but the German was getting more wakeful +every minute, and after a couple more miles he pulled up again and come +round to where Lew Wee was. He says it seems like a skunk has been round +everywhere; and, in fact, it seems to be right here now. He sees the sack +and wants to know what's in it. But he don't give Lew Wee a chance to +lie about it. He was thoroughly awake now and talked quite sober but +bitterly. He ordered Lew Wee to get off of there quickly. Lew Wee says +he swore at him a lot. He thinks it was in German. He ain't sure of the +language, but he knows it was swearing. + +He wasn't going to get off, at first; but the German got a big stick from +the roadside and started for him, so he climbed down the other side and +started to run. But the cowardly German didn't chase him a single step. +He got back in his seat and started down the road quicker than it looked +like his truck had been able to travel. + +Anyway, Lew Wee was a lot nearer to town, owing to the German not having +been sensitive at first; and if worst come to worst he could walk. It +looked like he'd have to. Then he saw he'd have to walk, anyway, because +this brutal German that put him off the truck hadn't give him back his +dollar, and that was all he had. He now put the First High Curse of the +One Hundred and Nine Malignant Devils on all Germans. It is a grand +curse, he says, and has done a lot of good in China. He was uncertain +whether it would work away from home; but he says it did. Every time he +gets hold of a paper now he looks for the place where Germans in close +formation is getting mowed down by machine-gun fire. + +But his money was gone miles away from him by this time; so he started +his ten-mile walk. I don't know. It's always been a mystery to me how he +could do it. He could get kind of used to it himself, and mebbe he +thought the public could do as much. It was an interesting walk he had. + +At first, he thought he was only attracting the notice of the vulgar, +like when some American ruffians doing a job of repair work on the road +threw rocks at him when he stopped to rest a bit. But he soon noticed +that rich ladies and gentlemen also seemed to shun him as he passed +through little towns. He carried his impetuous burden on a stick over +his shoulder and at a distance seemed to be an honest workman; but people +coming closer didn't look respectfully at him, by any means. It seemed +as if some odium was attached to him. + +Once he stopped to pick a big red rose from a bush that hung over the +wall in front of a pretty place, and a beautiful child dressed like a +little princess stood there; and, being fond of children, like all Chinee +men, he spoke to her; but a nurse screamed and run out at him and yelled +something in another foreign language. He thinks it was swearing, same as +the German, though she looked like a lady. So he went sadly on, smelling +of his lovely rose from time to time. + +The only way I can figure out how he got through them suburbs is that +parties wanted to have him arrested or shot, or something, but wouldn't +let him stick round long enough to get it done; they was in two minds +about him, I guess: they wished to detain him, but also wished harder +to have him away. + +So he went on uninjured, meeting murderous looks and leaving excitement +in his trail; hearing men threaten him even while they run away from him. +It hurt him to be shunned this way--him that had always felt so friendly +toward one and all. He couldn't deny it by this time: people was shunning +him on account of what Doctor Hong Foy wanted alive and in good +condition. + +As he worked his way into the city the excitement mounted higher. He took +to the middle of the street where he could. Mobs collected behind him and +waved things at him and looked like they would lynch him; but they didn't +come close enough for that. It seemed like he bore a charmed life in +spite of this hostility. When he'd got well into the city a policeman did +come up and start to arrest him, but thought better of it and went round +a corner. It made him feel like a social cull or an outcast, or +something. + +He wasn't a bit foolish about his cunning little pet by this time. And +it looked as if these crowds of people that gathered behind him would +finally get their nerve up to do something with him. They was getting +bigger and acting more desperate. When he was on the sidewalk he swept +people off into the road like magic, and when he was in the street they +would edge close in to the buildings. + +It really hurt him. He'd always liked Americans, in spite of their +foreign ways, and they had seemed to like him; but now all at once they +was looking on him as a yellow peril. He still kept his rose to smell of. +He said it was a sweet comfort to him at a time when the whole world had +turned against him for nothing at all. + +He made for Chinatown by the quietest streets he could pick out, though +even on them hardly escaping the lawless mob. But at last he got to the +street where Doctor Hong Foy's office was. It was largely a Chinese +street and lots of his friends lived there; but even now, when you'd +think he'd get kind words and congratulations, he didn't. + +His best friends regarded him as one better let alone and made swift +gestures of repulsion when he passed 'em. Quite a crowd followed at a +safe distance and gathered outside when he went into Doctor Hong Foy's +office. It was a kind of store on the ground floor, so Lew Wee says, with +shelves full of rich old Chinee medicines that had a certain powerful +presence of their own. But even in here Doctor Hong Foy should of known +beyond a doubt what his friend had brought him. + +It seemed the doctor had to make sure. He wasn't of the same believing +nature as the street-car people, and the German and others. He wanted to +be shown. So they undone the sack and opened it down to where Doctor Hong +Foy could make sure. But their work was faulty and the wild animal didn't +like handling after its day of mistreatment. It had been made morbid, I +guess. Anyway, it displayed an extremely nervous tendency, and many +impetuous movements, and bit Doctor Hong Foy in the thumb. Then the first +owner tried to grab him and the pet wriggled away on to a tray of dried +eel gizzards, or something, and off that to the open door. + +The little thing run into the front of the large crowd that had waited +outside and had a wonderful effect on it. Them in the centre tried to +melt away, but couldn't on account of them on the outside; so there was +fights and accidents, and different ones tromped on, and screams of fear. +And this brought a lot bigger crowd that pressed in and made the centre +ones more anguished. I don't know. That poor animal had been imposed on +all day and must of been overwrought. It was sore vexed by now and didn't +care who knew it. Lots of 'em did. + +Of course Lew Wee dashed out after his property, hugging the sack to his +chest; and, of course, he created just as much disturbance as his little +pet had. Policemen was mingling with the violence by this time and adding +much to its spirit. One public-spirited citizen grabbed Lew Wee in spite +of its being distasteful; but he kicked the poor man on the kneecap and +made a way through the crowd without too much trouble. + +He wasn't having any vogue whatever in that neighbourhood. He run down +a little side street, up an alley, and into a cellar he knew about, this +cellar being the way out of the Young China Progressive Association when +they was raided up the front stairs on account of gambling at poker. + +He could hear the roar of the mob clear from there. It took about an hour +for this to die down. People would come to see what all the excitement +was about, and find out almost at once; then they'd try to get away, +and run against others coming to find out, thus producing a very earnest +riot. There was mounted policemen and patrol wagons and many arrests, +and an armed posse hunting for the escaped pet and shooting up alleys at +every little thing that moved. They never did find the pet--so one of Lew +Wee's cousins wrote him; which made him sorry on account of Doctor Hong +Foy and the twenty-five or mebbe thirty dollars. + +He lay hid in this cellar till dark; then started out to find his friends +and get something to eat. He darned near started everything all over +again; but he dodged down another alley and managed to get some noodles +and chowmain at the back door of the Hong-Kong Grill, where a tong +brother worked. He begun to realize that he was a marked man. The mark +didn't show; but he was. He didn't know what the law might do to him. +It looked like at least twenty years in some penal institution, if not +hanging; and he didn't want either one. + +So he borrowed three dollars from the tong brother and started for +some place where he could lead a quiet life. He managed to get to +Oakland, though the deck hands on the ferryboat talked about throwing +him overboard. But they let him live if he would stay at the back end +till everyone, including the deck hands, was safe off or behind something +when the boat landed. Then he wandered off into the night and found a +freight train. He didn't care where he went--just somewhere they wouldn't +know about his crime. + +He rode a while between two freight cars; then left that train and found +a blind baggage on a passenger train that went faster and near froze him +to death. He got off, chilled in the early morning, at some little town +and bought some food in a Chinee restaurant and also got warm. But he +hadn't no more than got warm when he was put out of the place, right by +his own people. + +It was warm outside by this time, so he didn't mind it so much. The town +did, though. It must of been a small town, but he says thousands of men +chased him out of it about as soon as he was warmed up enough to run. He +couldn't understand this, because how could they know he was the one that +caused all that trouble in San Francisco? + +He got a freight train outside the town and rode on and on. He says +he rode on for weeks and weeks; but that's his imagination. It must of +been about three days, with spells of getting off for food and to get +warmed when he was freezing, and be chased by these wild hill tribes when +he had done the latter. It put a crimp into his sunny nature--all this +armed pursuit of him. He says if he had been a Christian, and believed +in only one God, he would never of come through alive, it taking about +seventy-four or five of his own gods to protect him from these maddened +savages. He had a continuous nightmare of harsh words and blows. He +wondered they didn't put him in jail; but it seemed like they only +wanted to keep him going. + +Of course it had to end. He got to Spokane finally and sneaked round to +a friend that had a laundry; and this friend must of been a noble soul. +He took in the outcast and nursed him with food and drink, and repeatedly +washed his clothes. Wanting a ranch cook about that time, I got in touch +with him through another cousin, who said this man wanted very much to +go out into a safe country, and would never leave it because of +unpleasantness in getting here. + +It was ten days after he got there that I saw him first, and I'll be +darned if he was any human sachet, even then. But after hearing his story +I knew that time would once more make him fit for human association. +He told me his story with much feeling this time and he told it to me +about once a week for three months after he got here--pieces of it at a +time. It used to cheer me a lot. He was always remembering something new. +He said he liked the great silence and peace of this spot. + +You couldn't tell him to this day that his belief about the savage hill +tribes ain't sound. He believes anything "can happen" in that country +down there. Doctor Hong Foy never paid him the twenty-five, of course, +though admitting that he would of done so if the animal had not escaped, +because he was in such good condition, for a skunk, that he was worth +twenty-five dollars of any doctor's money. I don't know. As I say, +they're friendly little critters; but it's more money that I would +actually pay for one. + +Through two closed doors the whine of the fiddle still penetrated. +Perhaps Lew Wee's recent loss had moved him to play later than was his +custom, pondering upon the curious whims that stir the gods when they +start to make things happen. But he was still no cynic. Over and over he +played the little air which means: "Life comes like a bird-song through +the open windows of the heart." + + + + +IX + +THE TAKER-UP + + +On a tired evening, in front of the Arrowhead's open fire, I lived over +for the hundredth time a great moment. From the big pool under the falls +four miles up the creek I had landed the Big Trout. Others had failed in +years past; I, too, had failed more than once. But to-day! + +At the hour of 9:46 A.M., to be exact, as one should in these matters, I +had cast three times above the known lair of this fish. Then I cast a +fourth time, more from habit than hope; and the fight was on. I put it +here with the grim brevity of a communique. Despite stout resistance, the +objective was gained at 9:55 A.M. And the Big Trout would weigh a good +two and one half--say three or three and one quarter--pounds. These are +the bare facts. + +Verily it was a moment to live over; and to myself now I was more +discursive. I vanquished the giant trout again and again, altering +details of the contest at will--as when I waded into icy water to the +waist in a last moment of panic. My calm review disclosed that this had +been fanciful overcaution; but at the great crisis and for three minutes +afterward I had gloried in the wetting. + +Now again I three times idly flicked that corner of the pool with a +synthetic moth. Again for the fourth time I cast, more from habit than +hope. Then ensued that terrific rush from the pool's lucent depths-- + +"Yes, sir; you wouldn't need no two guesses for what she'd wear at a +grand costume ball of the Allied nations--not if you knew her like I do." +This was Ma Pettengill, who had stripped a Sunday paper from the great +city to its society page. She lifted this under the lamp and made strange +but eloquent noises of derision: + +"You take Genevieve May now, of a morning, before that strong-arm +Japanese maid has got her face rubbed down and calked with paints, +oils, and putty, and you'd say to her, as a friend and well-wisher: +'Now look here, old girl, you might get by at that costume ball as +Stricken Serbia or Ravaged Belgium, but you better take a well-meant +hint and everlastingly do not try to get over as La Belle France. True, +France has had a lot of things done to her,' you'd say, 'and she may +show a blemish here and there; but still, don't try it unless you wish +to start something with a now friendly ally--even if it is in your own +house. That nation is already pushed to a desperate point, and any little +thing might prove too much--even if you are Mrs. Genevieve May Popper and +have took up the war in a hearty girlish manner.' Yes, sir!" + +This, to be sure, was outrageous--that I should hear myself addressing a +strange lady in terms so gross. Besides, I wished again to be present at +the death of my favourite trout. I affected not to have heard. I affected +to be thinking deeply. + +It worked, measurably. Once more I scanned the pool's gleaming surface +and felt the cold pricking of spray from the white water that tumbled +from a cleft in the rocks above. Once more I wondered if this, by chance, +might prove a sad but glorious day for a long-elusive trout. Once more I +looked to the fly. Once more I-- + +"What I never been able to figger out--how can a dame like that fool +herself beyond a certain age? Seams in her face! And not a soul but would +know she got her hair like the United States acquired Louisiana. That +lady's power of belief is enormous. And I bet she couldn't put two and +two together without making a total wreck of the problem. Like fair time +a year ago, when she was down to Red Gap taking up the war. She comes +along Fourth Street in her uniform one morning, fresh from the hands of +this hired accomplice of hers, and meets Cousin Egbert Floud and me where +we'd stopped to talk a minute. She is bubbling with war activity as +usual, but stopped and bubbled at us a bit--kind of hale and girlish, you +might say. We passed the time of day; and, being that I'm a first-class +society liar, I say how young and fresh she looks; and she gets the ball +and bats it right back to Cousin Egbert. + +"'You'd never dream,' says she, 'what my funny little mite of a Japanese +maid calls me! You'd really never guess! She calls me Madam Peach +Blossom! Isn't that perfectly absurd, Mr. Floud?' + +"And poor Cousin Egbert, instead of giggling in a hearty manner and +saying 'Oh, come now, Mrs. Popper! What's in the least absurd about +that?'--like he was meant to and like any gentleman would of--what does +the poor silly do but blink at her a couple of times like an old barn owl +that's been startled and say 'Yes, ma'am!'--flat and cold, just like +that! + +"It almost made an awkward pause; but the lady pretended she had been +saying something to me, so she couldn't hear him. That Cousin Egbert! He +certainly wouldn't ever get very high in the diplomatic service of +anybody's country. + +"And here's this grand ball of the Allied nations in costume, give in +Genevieve May's palatial residence. It must of throwed a new panic into +Berlin when they got the news off the wire. Matter of fact, I don't see +how them Germans held out long as they did, with Genevieve May Popper +putting crimps into 'em with her tireless war activities. That proves +itself they'd been long preparing for the fray. Of course, with Genevieve +May and this here new city marshal, Fotch, the French got, it was only a +question of time. Genevieve is sure one born taker-up! Now she's made a +complete circle of the useful arts and got round to dancing again. Yes, +sir!" + +I affected to believe I was solitary in the room. This time it did not +work--even measurably. Almost at once came: "I said she was the darndest +woman in the world to take things up!" The tone compelled notice, so I +said "Indeed!" and "You don't say!" with a cautiously extended space +between them, and tried to go on thinking. + +Then I knew the woman's full habit of speech was strong upon her and +that one might no longer muse upon a caught trout--even one to weigh +well up toward four pounds. So I remembered that I was supposed to be +a gentleman. + +"Go right ahead and talk," I murmured. + +"Sure!" said the lady, not murmuring. "What in time did you think I was +going to do?" + +Yes, sir; I bet she's the greatest taker-up--bar none--the war has yet +produced. She's took up France the latest. I understand they got a +society of real workers somewhere that's trying to house and feed and +give medicine and crutches to them poor unfortunates that got in the way +of the dear old Fatherland when it took the lid off its Culture and tried +to make the world safe--even for Germans; but I guess this here society +gets things over to devastated France without much music or flourishes or +uniforms that would interest Genevieve May. + +But if that country is to be saved by costume balls of the Allied +nations, with Genevieve May being La Belle France in a dress hardly long +enough to show three colours, then it needn't have another uneasy moment. +Genevieve stands ready to do all if she can wear a costume and dance the +steps it cost her eight dollars a lesson to learn from one of these slim +professionals that looks like a rich college boy. + +It was this reckless dancing she'd took up when I first knew her, though +she probably goes back far enough to of took up roller skating when that +was sprung on an eager world; and I know she got herself talked about in +1892 for wearing bloomers on a bicycle. But we wasn't really acquainted +till folks begun to act too familiar in public, and call it dancing, and +pay eight dollars a lesson to learn something any of 'em that was healthy +would of known by instinct at a proper time and place. Having lots of +money, Genevieve May travelled round to the big towns, learning new steps +and always taking with her one of these eight-dollar boys, with his hair +done like a seal, to make sure she'd learn every step she saw. + +She was systematic, that woman. If she was in Seattle and heard about a +new step in San Francisco, she'd be on the train with her instructor in +one hour and come back with the new step down pat. She scandalized Red +Gap the year she come to visit her married daughter, Lucille Stultz, by +introducing many of these new grips and clinches; but of course that soon +wore off. Seems like we get used to anything in this world after it's +done by well-dressed people a few times. + +Then, as I say, these kind-hearted, music-loving Germans, with their +strong affection for home life and little ones, started in to shoot the +rest of the world up to German standards, and they hadn't burned more +than a dozen towns in Belgium, after shooting the oldest and youngest +and sexecuting the women--I suppose sexecution is what you might call +it--before Genevieve took up the war herself. + +Yes, sir--took it right up; no sooner said than done with her. It was +really all over right then. The Germans might just as well of begun four +years ago to talk about the anarchistic blood-lust of Woodrow Wilson as +to wait until they found out the Almighty knows other languages besides +German. + +I believe the Red Cross was the first handle by which Genevieve May took +up the war. But that costume is too cheap for one that feels she's a born +social leader if she could only get someone to follow. She found that +young chits of no real social standing, but with a pleasing exterior, +could get into a Red Cross uniform costing about two-eighty-five and sell +objects of luxury at a bazaar twice as fast as a mature woman of sterling +character in the same simple garb. + +So Genevieve May saw it had got to be something costing more money and +beyond the reach of an element you wouldn't care to entertain in your +own drawing room. And next thing I was up to Spokane, and here she is, +dashing round the corridors of the hotel in a uniform that never cost a +penny under two hundred and fifty, what with its being made by a swell +tailor and having shiny boots with silver spurs and a natty tucked +cap and a shiny belt that went round the waist and also up over one +shoulder, with metal trimming, and so on. She was awful busy, darting +hither and yon at the lunch hour, looking prettily worried and like she +would wish to avoid being so conspicuous, but was foiled by the stares +of the crowd. + +Something always seemed to be happening to make her stand out; like in +the restaurant, where, no sooner did she pick out just the right table, +after some hesitation, and get nicely seated, than she'd see someone +across the room at a far table and have to run over and speak. She spoke +to parties at five distant tables that day, getting a scratchy lunch, I +should say. One of the tables was mine. We wasn't what you'd call close +friends, but she cut a swath clean across a crowded dining room to tell +me how well I was looking. + +Of course I fell for the uniform and wanted to know what it meant. Well, +it meant that she was organizing a corps of girl ambulance drivers from +the city's beet families. She was a major herself already, and was being +saluted by he-officers. She said it was a wonderful work, and how did I +think she looked in this, because it was a time calling for everyone's +best, and what had I taken up for my bit? I was only raising beef cattle, +so I didn't have any answer to that. I felt quite shamed. And Genevieve +went back to her own table for another bite of food, bowing tolerantly to +most of the people in the room. + +I don't know how far she ever got with this girl's ambulance corps +beyond her own uniform. She certainly made an imposing ambulance driver +herself on the streets of that town. You'd see her big, shiny, light-blue +limousine drive up, with two men on the seat and Genevieve, in uniform, +would be helped out by one of 'em, and you knew right off you'd love to +be a wounded soldier and be drove over shell-torn roads by her own hands. + +Anyway, she got mad and left the ambulance service flat, getting into +some sort of brawl with an adjutant general or something through wanting +to take a mere detail out of his hands that he felt should stay right +where it was, he being one of these offensive martinets and a stickler +for red tape, and swollen with petty power. So Genevieve May said. + +So she looked round for another way to start a few home fires burning +on the other side of the Rhine. I forget what her next strategy was, but +you know it was something cute and busy in a well-fitting uniform, and +calculated to shorten the conflict if Germany found it out. You know +that much. + +I remember at one time she was riding in parades when the boys would +march down to the station to go off and settle things in their own crude +way. I lost track of what she was taking up for a while, but I know +she kept on getting new uniforms till she must of had quite a time every +morning deciding what she was going to be that day, like the father of +the German Crown Prince. + +Finally, last spring, it got to be the simple uniform of a waitress. She +had figgered out that all the girls then taking the places of men waiters +would get called for nurses sooner or later; so why shouldn't prominent +society matrons like herself learn how to wait on table, so as to take +the girl waiters' places when they went across? Not exactly that; they +wouldn't keep on lugging trays forever in this emergency--only till they +could teach new girls the trade, when some new ones come along to take +the places of them that had met the call of duty. + +So Genievieve agitated and wrote letters from the heart out to about two +dozen society buds; and then she terrified the owner of the biggest hotel +in her home town till he agreed to let 'em come and wait on table every +day at lunch. + +Genevieve May's uniform of a poor working girl was a simple black dress, +with white apron, cuffs, and cap, the whole, as was right, not costing +over six or seven dollars, though her string of matched pearls that cost +two hundred thousand sort of raised the average. The other society buds +was arrayed similar and looked like so many waitresses. Not in a hotel, +mebbe, but in one of these musical shows where no money has been +spared. + +The lady had a glorious two days ordering these girls round as head +waiter and seeing that everybody got a good square look at her, and so +on. But the other girls got tired the second day. It was jolly and all +tips went to the Red Cross, and the tips was big; but it was just as hard +work as if they had really been poor working girls, with not enough +recreation about it. So the third day they rebelled at the head waiter +and made Genevieve herself jump in and carry out trays full of dishes +that had served their purpose. + +This annoyed Genevieve May very much. It not only upset discipline but +made the arms and back ache. So she now went into the kitchen to show the +cook how to cook in a more saving manner. Her intentions were beautiful; +but the head cook was a sensitive foreigner, and fifteen minutes after +she went into his kitchen he had to be arrested for threatening to harm +the well-known society matron with a common meat saw. + +The new one they got in his place next day let her mess round all she +wanted to, knowing his job depended on it, though it was told that he got +a heartless devil-may-care look in his eyes the minute he saw her making +a cheap fish sauce. But he said nothing. + +That hotel does a big business, but it fell off surprising the day after +this, twenty-three people having been took bad with poison from something +they'd et there at lunch. True, none of these got as fur as the coroner, +so it never was known exactly what they'd took in; but the thing made a +lot of talk at stricken bedsides and Genevieve spent a dull day denying +that her cooking had done this outrage. Then, her dignity being much +hurt, she wrote a letter to the papers saying this hotel man was giving +his guests cheap canned goods that had done the trick. + +Next morning this brought the hotel man and one of the best lawyers +in the state of Washington up to the palatial Popper residence, making +threats after they got in that no lady taking up war activities should be +obliged to listen to. She got rattled, I guess, or had been dreaming or +something. She told the hotel man and lawyer to Ssh! Ssh!--because that +new cook had put ground glass in the lemon pie and she had a right to +lull his suspicions with this letter to the papers, because she was +connected with the Secret Service Department. She would now go back to +the hotel and detect this spy committing sabotage on the mashed potatoes, +or something, and arrest him--just like that! I don't know whatever put +the idea into her head. I believe she had tried to join the Secret +Service Department till she found they didn't have uniforms. + +Anyway, this hotel man, like the cowardly dog he was, went straight off +to some low sneak in the district attorney's office; and he went like a +snake in the grass and found out it wasn't so; and a real officer come +down on Genevieve May to know what she meant by impersonating a Secret +Service agent. This brutal thug talked in a cold but rough way, and I +know perfectly well this minute that he wasn't among those invited to +the Popper costume ball of the Allied nations. He threw a fine scare into +Genevieve May. For about a week she didn't know but she'd be railroaded +to Walla Walla. She wore mere civilian creations and acted like a +slacker. + +But finally she saw the Government was going to live and let live; so she +took up something new. It was still On to Berlin! with Genevieve May. + +She wasn't quite up to pulling anything new in her home town; so she went +into the outlying districts to teach her grandmother something. I didn't +think up the term for it. That was thought up by G.H. Stultz who is her +son-in-law and president of the Red Gap Canning Factory. This here new +war activity she'd took up consisted of going rough to different places +and teaching housewives how to practice economy in putting up preserves, +and so on. + +It ain't on record that she ever taught one single woman anything +about economy, their hard-won knowledge beginning about where hers left +off--which wasn't fur from where it started; but she did bring a lot of +wholesome pleasure into their simple, hard-working lives. + +In this new war activity it wasn't so much how you canned a thing as +what you canned. Genevieve May showed 'em how to make mincemeat out of +tomatoes and beets; how to make marmalade out of turnips and orange peel; +how to make preserves out of apple peelings and carrots; and guava jelly +out of mushmelon rinds, or some such thing. She'd go into towns and rent +a storeroom and put up her canning outfit, hiring a couple of the lower +classes to do the actual work, and invite women to bring in their truck +of this kind and learn regular old rock-bottom economy. They'd come, with +their stuff that should of been fattening shotes, and Genevieve May would +lecture on how to can it. It looked through the glass like sure-enough +human food. + +Then, after she'd got 'em all taught, she'd say wouldn't it be nice +of these ladies to let her sell all this canned stuff and give the +proceeds to the different war charities! And there wasn't a woman that +didn't consent readily, having tasted it in the cooking. Not a one of +'em wanted to take home these delicacies. It was right noble or cautious, +or something. And after visiting six or eight of these communities +Genevieve May had quite a stock of these magic delicacies on sale in +different stores and was looking forward to putting the war firmly on +its feet--only she couldn't get many reports of sales from this stock. + +Then she got a dandy idea. She would come to the Kulanche County +Fair at Red Gap, assemble all her stock there, give one of these +here demonstrations in economic canning, and auction off the whole +lot with a glad hurrah. She thought mebbe, with her influence, she +might get Secretary Baker, or someone like that, to come out and do +the auctioning--all under the auspices of Mrs. Genevieve May Popper, +whose tireless efforts had done so much to teach the dear old Fatherland +its lesson, and so on. She now had about three hundred jars and bottles +of this stuff after her summer's work, and it looked important. + +I got down to the county fair myself last year, having some sure-fire +blue-ribbon stock there, and it was then that I hear G.H. Stultz talking +about this here mother-in-law of his, he taking me aside at their home +one night, so his wife, Lucille, wouldn't hear. + +"This respected lady is trying to teach her grandmother how to suck +eggs--no more, no less," he says. "Now she's coming here to pull +something off. You watch her--that's all I ask. Everything that woman +touches goes funny. Look how she poisoned those innocent people up at +that hotel. And I'll bet this canned stuff she's going to sell off will +kill even mere tasters. If she only hadn't come to my town! That woman +don't seem to realize that I'm cursed with a German name and have to be +miles above suspicion. + +"Suppose she sells off this stuff! I give you my word she puts things in +it that even a professional canning factory wouldn't dare to. And suppose +it poisons off a lot of our best patriots! Do you think a mob will be +very long blaming me for a hand in it? Why, it'll have me, in no time at +all, reaching my feet down for something solid that has been carefully +removed." + +I tried to cheer the man up, but he was scared stiff. + +"Mark my words," he says. "She'll pull a bloomer! If that woman could go +into an innocent hotel kitchen, where every care is taken to keep things +right, and poison off twenty-three people till they picked at the covers +and had relatives wondering what might be in their safe-deposit boxes, +think what she'd do in the great unsanitary outside, where she can use +her imagination! + +"There's but one salvation for me; I must have trusted agents in the +crowd when that stuff is auctioned off, and they got to collar every last +bottle of it, no matter what the cost. I have to lay down like a pup +on the next bond drive, but this is my only hope. For the Lord's sake, +don't you go there and start bidding things up, no matter who she gets +for auctioneer! Don't you bid--even if Woodrow Wilson himself comes +out." + +That's the impression Genevieve May had made on her own daughter's +husband, who is a clear-seeing man and a good citizen. And it looked +like he must secretly buy up her output. She not only come to town with +her canning outfit and her summer's stock of strange preserves, all +beauteous in their jars, but she brought with her to auction off this +stuff a regular French flying man with an honourable record. + +She'd met this French officer in the city and entertained him at the +palatial Popper home; and mebbe she'd hypnotized him. He wasn't in good +shape, anyway. First place, he'd been fighting in the air for three +years and had been wounded in five places--including the Balkans. Then, +like that wasn't enough for one man, he'd been sent over here to teach +our men to fly when they got a machine; and over here he'd fell out of a +cloud one day when his brake or something went wrong, and this had give +him a nice pleasant vacation on crutches. + +Genevieve had fastened on him at a time when he probably hadn't the +steely resistance Frenchmen been showing on the West Front. Or, being in +a strange country, mebbe he didn't know when politeness to Genevieve May +Popper would become mere cowardice. Anyway, he could talk English well +enough; and Genevieve May brought him to town and made a big hit. + +First thing she done was to set up her stock of canned goods in a +section they give her in Horticultural Hall. Them three hundred bottles +took up a lot of room and showed up grand between the fancy-work section, +consisting of embroideries, sofa cushions, and silk patch quilts, and the +art section, consisting of hand paintings of interesting objects by +bright pupils in the public school. Then she put in her canning outfit, +with a couple of hired natives to do the work while she lectured on the +science of it and tried to get weak-minded patriots to taste things. + +Genevieve May had a good time at these demonstrations, speaking in tones +of oratory and persuasion and encouraging the tasters to take a chance. +She certainly had discovered some entirely new flavours that the best +chemists hadn't stumbled on. She was proud of this, but a heap prouder +of her French flying man. When she wasn't thinking up new infamies with +rutabagas and watermelon rinds, she'd be showing him off to the fair +crowds. She give the impression when she paraded him that the French Army +would of had few flyers if she hadn't stepped into the breach. + +And mebbe she wasn't desperate with fear that some of the Red Gap society +buds and matrons would want to stick in with nursing and attentions for +the interesting invalid! Nothing like that with Genevieve May! She kept +closer guard on that man than he would of got in the worst German prison +camp. About the only other person in town she'd trust him to was Cousin +Egbert Floud. + +Cousin Egbert liked the Frenchman a lot at first, and rode him round town +to see the canning factory and the new waterworks and the Chamber of +Commerce, and Price's Addition to Red Gap, and so on. Also, he'd drag him +all over the fair grounds to look at prize bulls and windmills and patent +silos. + +Cousin Egbert had refused from the first to taste any of Genevieve May's +deviltry with the vegetable kingdom. He swore he was on a diet and the +doctor wouldn't answer for his life if he even tasted anything outside. +He was telling me that last day of the fair that the woman ought to be +arrested for carrying on so, Genevieve May being now busy with some +highly artificial ketchup made of carrots, and something else +unimportant, with pure vegetable dyes. + +"Yes; and she just tried to hand me that same old stuff about what her +Japanese maid calls her," he says to me at this time. "She says I could +never guess what that funny little mite calls her. And I says no, I never +could of guessed it if she hadn't already told me; but I says I know it +is Madam Peach Blossom, and that Jap maid sure is one funny little mite, +thinking up a thing like that, the Japanese being a serious race and +not given to saying laughable things." + +That's Cousin Egbert all over. He ain't a bit like one of them courters +of the old French courts that you read about in the Famous Crimes of +History. + +"Madam Peach Blossom!" he says, snickering bitterly. "Say, ain't them +Japs got a great sense of humour! I bet what she meant was Madam Lemon +Blossom!" + +Anyway, Genevieve May trusted her flying man to this here brutal cynic +when she wouldn't of trusted him to any of the younger, dancing set. +And Cousin Egbert pretty near made him late for his great engagement to +auction off the strange preserves. It was on this third day of the fair, +and Genevieve May was highly excited about it. + +She had her stock set up in tiers against the wall and looking right +imposing in the polished glass; and she had a box in front where the +Frenchman would stand when he did the auctioning. + +That hall was hot, let me tell you, with the high sun beating down on the +thin boards. I looked in a minute before the crowd come, and it looked +like them preserves had sure had a second cooking, standing there day +after day. + +And this Cousin Egbert, when he should of been leading the Frenchman back +to Horticultural Hall to the auction block, was dragging him elsewhere to +see a highly exciting sight. So he said. He was innocent enough. He +wanted to give that Frenchman a good time, he told me afterward. So he +tells him something is going to take place over at the race track that +will thrill him to the bone, and come on quick and hurry over! + +The Frenchman is still using one crutch and the crowd is already surging +in that direction; but after finding out it ain't any more silos or +windmills, he relies on Cousin Egbert that it really is exciting, and +they manage to get through the crowd, though it was excited even now +and stepped on him and pushed him a lot. + +Still he was game, all right. I've always said that. He was about as +excited as the crowd; and Cousin Egbert was, too, I guess, by the time +they had pushed up to the railing. I guess he was wondering what Wild +Western kind of deviltry he was going to see now. Cousin Egbert had told +him it wasn't a horse race; but he wouldn't tell him what it was, wishing +to keep it for a glad surprise when the Frenchman would see it with his +own eyes. + +"Just you wait one minute now!" says Cousin Egbert. "You wait one minute +and I bet you'll be glad you got through that rough crowd with me. You'd +go through ten crowds like that, crutch or no crutch, to see what's going +to be here." + +The poor man was kind of used up, but he stands there waiting for the +thrill, with Cousin Egbert beaming on him fondly, like a father that's +going in one minute to show the little tots what Santa Claus brought 'em +on the tree. + +Then the Frenchman hears a familiar roar and a airplane starts up from +the lower end of the field inside the track. + +"There!" says Cousin Egbert. "Now I guess you're glad you pushed in here, +leg or no leg. I knew it would be a dandy surprise for you. Yes, sir; the +committee got a regular airplane to give a thrilling flight right here +in front of us. You look up in the sky there and pretty soon you'll see +it just as plain, sailing round and round like some great bird; and they +say this man flying it is going to loop the loop twice in succession. Now +I bet you're glad you come!" + +Cousin Egbert says right at this minute he begun to take a dislike to +the Frenchman. After he'd took all that trouble to get him there to see +something exciting, the Frenchman just looked at him kind of sad for a +long time, and then says he believes he'd rather go back some place where +he can set down and rest his leg. + +Cousin Egbert says he turned out to be like the Frenchmen you read about +that is blase about everything in the world and kind of tired of life, +not having the least bit of interest in whatever happens. But, of course, +he was polite to his guest and helped push a way back through the crowd, +with the crowd more excited than ever by this time, because the flying +machine was right up in the air, hundreds of feet off the ground. + +"You'll think I'm a liar," he says to me; "but it's the God's truth this +Frenchman just kept pushing through that crowd and didn't even turn to +look up in the air when this man was actually risking his life by looping +the loop twice in succession. He never turned his head the least bit." + +Cousin Egbert says, here he'd been up in one himself and knew what +flying meant, but he probably wouldn't of took the least notice if this +dare-devil had been killed right there before thousands. + +"I don't understand it," he says. "It sure wouldn't be the least +use boosting for a brighter and busier Red Gap if everybody was as +cold-blooded as the French." He was right grouchy about the French +after this. + +Anyway, he got his suffering man back to Horticultural Hall somewhat the +worse for being stepped on by the crowd; in fact, the Frenchman is kind +of all in when he gets to the auction block. He sets right down on it +looking white, and Genevieve May gets him a glass of water to revive him. +Pretty soon he says he's nearly as well as ever, but that wasn't much. + +Now the patriots for the auction begun to throng in and Genevieve May is +once more proud and fluttering. She glances fondly at her noble array of +jars, with these illegitimate preserves shining richly through, and she +gets the Frenchman on his feet and onto the box; and the crowd cheers +like mad and presses close. I was standing close to G.H. Stultz, and he +whispers to me: + +"My Lord! If there was only some means of getting that stock into the +German commissary! But I'm told they analyze everything. Anyway, I got my +bidders planted and I'll have to buy up the stock if it breaks me." + +Then the Frenchman begun to talk in a very nice way. He said a few words +about his country--how they had been fighting all these years, not +knowing whether they could win or not, but meaning to fight till there +wasn't any fighters left; and how grateful France was for the timely aid +of this great country and for the efforts of beautiful ladies like Madam +Popper, and so on. + +You bet no one laughed, even if he didn't talk such very good English. +They didn't even laugh when he said beautiful ladies like Madam Popper, +though Cousin Egbert, somewhere off in the crowd, made an undignified +sound which he pretended was coughing. + +The Frenchman then said he would now ask for bids for these beautiful +table delicacies, which were not only of rich food value but were more +priceless than gold and jewels because of having been imprisoned in the +crystal glass by the fair hands of the beautiful Madam Popper; and what +was he offered for six bottles of this unspeakable jelly? + +Of course G.H. Stultz would of had 'em in no time if the panic hadn't +saved him. Yes, sir; right then something terrible and unforeseen +happened to cause a frightful panic. About five of them jars of preserves +blew up with loud reports. Of course everyone's first thought was that a +German plot was on to lay Horticultural Hall in ruins with dynamite. It +sounded such. No one thought it was merely these strange preserves that +had been working overtime in that furnace. + +Women screamed and strong men made a dash for the door over prostrate +bodies. And then a lot more explosions took place. The firing became +general, as the reports say. Bottle after bottle shot its dread contents +into the fray, and many feeble persons was tromped on by the mob. + +It wasn't any joke for a minute. The big jars, mostly loaded with +preserves, went off with heavy reports; then there was these smaller +bottles, filled with artificial ketchup and corked. They went off like +a battery of light field guns, putting down a fierce barrage of ketchup +on one and all. It was a good demonstration of the real thing, all right. +I ain't never needed any one since that to tell me what war is. + +The crowd was two thirds out before any one realized just what kind of +frightfulness was going on. Then, amid shot and shell that would still +fly from time to time, the bravest, that hadn't been able to fight their +way out, stood by and picked up the wounded under fire and helped brush +their clothes off. The groans of the sufferers mingled with the hiss of +escaping ketchup. + +Genevieve May was in hysterics from the minute the first high-powered +gun was fired. She kept screaming for everyone to keep cool. And at +last, when they got some kind of order, she went into a perfectly new +fit because her Frenchman was missing. She kept it up till they found +the poor man. He was found, without his crutch, at the far end of the +hall, though no one has ever yet figgered how he could get there through +the frenzied mob. He was on a chair, weak and trembling, behind a fancy +quilt made by Grandma Watkins, containing over ten thousand pieces of +silk. He was greenish yellow in colour and his heart had gone wrong. + +That'll show you this bombardment wasn't any joke. The poor man had been +exhausted by Cousin Egbert's well-meant efforts to show him something +exciting, and he was now suffering from sure-enough shell shock, which +he'd had before in more official circumstances. + +He was a brave man; he'd fought like a tiger in the trenches, and had +later been shot down out of the air four times, and was covered with +wounds and medals and crosses; but this here enfilade at the fair hands +of the beautiful Madam Popper, coming in his weak state, had darn near +devastated what few nerves the war had left him. + +It was a sad moment. Genevieve May was again exploding, like her own +handiwork, which wasn't through itself yet by any means, because a +solitary shot would come now and then, like the main enemy had retreated +but was leaving rear guards and snipers. Also, people that had had +exhibits in the art section and the fancy-work section was now setting +up yells of rage over their treasures that had been desecrated by the +far-flung ketchup. + +But tender hands was leading the stricken Frenchman back of the lines to +a dressing station, and all was pretty near calm again, except for G.H. +Stultz, who was swearing--or words to that effect. + +It really took a good hour to restore perfect calm and figure up the +losses. They was severe. Of course I don't mean to say the whole three +hundred bottles of this ammunition dump had exploded. Some had been +put up only a short while and hadn't had time to go morbid; and even +some of the old stuff had remained staunch. + +The mincemeat shrapnel had proved fairly destructive, but the turnip +marmalade didn't seem to of developed much internal energy. All of them +jars of marmalade proved to be what they call "duds." But you bet enough +had gone up to make a good battle sketch. The ketchup, especial, was +venomous. + +I met G.H. Stultz as I left the trenches. He'd been caught in a +machine-gun nest of ketchup and had only wiped about half of it off +his face. He looked like a contagious disease. + +"Say, look here," he says; "you can't tell me there isn't a Providence +ever watching over this world to give some of us just what's coming to +us!" That was very silly, because I'd never told him anything of the +sort. + +Then I go out into No Man's Land and meet Cousin Egbert by a lemonade +stand. He was one radiant being. He asked me to have a glass of the +beverage, and I done so; and while I was sipping it he says brightly: + +"Wasn't that some gorgeous display of fireworks? And wasn't it fine to +stand there and watch them bottles laugh their heads off at this food +profiteer?" + +I said he ought to be right sorry for her--after all the work she'd done. + +"Not me!" he says firmly. "She never done any work in her life except to +boost her own social celebrity." + +Then he took another gulp of his lemonade and says, very bitter: + +"Madam Peach Blossom! I wonder what that funny little mite of hers will +say when she sees her to-night? Something laughable, I bet--like it would +be 'Madam Onion Blossom!'--or something comical, just to give her a good +laugh after her hard day." + +Such is Cousin Egbert, and ever will be. And Genevieve May, having took +up things all round the circle, is now back to the dance. + + + + +X + +AS TO HERMAN WAGNER + + +It had been a toilsome day for Ma Pettengill and me. Since sunup we +had ridden more than a score of mountain miles on horses that could +seldom exceed a crawl in pace. At dawn we had left the flatlands along +the little timbered river, climbed to the lava beds of the first mesa, +traversed a sad stretch of these where even the sage grew scant, and +come, by way of a winding defile that was soon a mounting canon, into +big hills unending. + +Here for many hours we had laboured over furtive, tortuous trails, +aimless and lost, it might have seemed, but that ever and again we came +upon small bands of cattle moving one way. These showed that we had a +mission and knew, after all, what we were about. These cattle were +knowingly bent toward the valley and home. They went with much of a +businesslike air, stopping only at intervals to snatch at the sparse +short grass that grows about the roots of the sagebrush. They had come a +long journey from their grazing places, starting when the range went bad +and water holes dried, and now seemed glad indeed to give up the wild +free life of a short summer and become tended creatures again, where +strangely thoughtful humans would lavish cut grass upon them for certain +obscure but doubtless benevolent purposes of their own. + +It was our mission this day to have a look-see, mebbe as far as Horsefly +Mountain, and get a general idee of how many head was already coming down +to eat up the so-and-so shortest hay crop that had ever been stacked on +the Arrowhead since the dry winter of '98, when beef fell to two cents a +pound, with darned few takers at that. + +It was really a day of scenic delight, if one hadn't to reflect sorely +upon the exigencies of the beef-cattle profession, and at least one of +us was free of this thrall. + +What we reached at last were small mountains rather than big hills; +vast exclamatory remnants of shattered granite and limestone, thickly +timbered, reckless of line, sharp of peak. One minute canon we viewed +from above was quite preposterous in its ambitions, having colour and +depth and riot of line in due proportions and quite worthy of the grand +scale. It wasn't a Grand Canon, but at least it was a baby grand, and I +loitered on its brink until reminded sharply that I'd better pour leather +into that there skate if I wanted to make home that night. + +I devoutly did wish to make home that night, for the spot we were on was +barren of those little conveniences I am accustomed to. Moreover, the air +was keen and a hunger, all day in the building, called for strong meats. +So I not too reluctantly passed on from this scenic miniature of parlour +dimensions--and from the study of a curious boulder thereby which had +intrigued me not a little. + +Now we were home and relaxed by the Arrowhead fireside, after a moving +repast of baked young sage hens. The already superior dynamics of the +meal, moreover, had been appreciably heightened by a bottle of Uncle +Henry's homemade grape wine, which he warmly recommends for colds or +parties, or anything like that. It had proved to be a wine of almost +a too-recent _cru_. Ma Pettengill said that if Uncle Henry was aiming +to put it on the market in quantity production he had ought to name +it the Stingaree brand, because it was sure some stuff, making for +malevolence even to the lengths of matricide, if that's what killing +your mother is called. She said, even at a Polish wedding down across +the tracks of a big city, it would have the ambulances and patrol +wagons clanging up a good half hour quicker than usual. + +Be that as it may, or is, when I had expected sleep to steal swiftly +to the mending of the day's ravages I merely found myself wakeful and +wondering. This stuff of Uncle Henry's is an able ferment. I wondered +about a lot of things. And at the same time I wondered interminably about +that remarkable boulder at the side of the Tom Thumb Grand Canon. I was +even wakeful enough and discursive enough--my hostess had taken but one +glass from the bottle--to wonder delightedly about all rocks and stones, +and geology, and that sort of thing. It was almost scientific, the way +I wondered, as I sat there idly toying with my half-filled glass. + +Take this particular boulder, for example. It had once been mere star +dust, hadn't it? Some time ago, I mean, or thereabouts. But it had been +star dust; and then, next thing it knew, it got to be a kind of cosmic +stew, such as leisurely foreigners patch out highways with, and looking +no more like a granite boulder than anything. + +Then something happened, like someone letting the furnace fire go out the +night of the big freeze; and this stuff I'm talking about grew cold and +discouraged, and quit flat, apparently not caring a hoot what shape it +would be found in years and years later, the result being that it was +found merely in the general shape of rocks or boulders--to use the more +scientific term--which is practically no shape at all, as you might say, +being quite any shape that happens, or the shape of rocks and boulders +as they may be seen on almost every hand by those of us who have learned +to see in the true sense of the word. + +I have had to be brief in this shorter science course on the earth's +history before the time of man, because more important matters claim my +attention and other speakers are waiting. The point is that this boulder +up there by the dwarf canon had survived from unremembered chaos; had +been melted, stewed, baked, and chilled until it had no mind of its own +left; then bumped round by careless glaciers until it didn't care where +it came to rest; and at last, after a few hundred million years of stony +unconcern for its ultimate fate, here it had been drawn by the cunning +hand of man sprang into the complex mechanism of our industrial human +scramble. + +That is to say, this boulder I speak of, the size of a city hall, lying +there in noble neglect since long before wise old water animals were +warning their children that this here fool talk about how you could go up +out of the water and walk round on dry land would get folks into trouble, +because how could a body breathe up there when there wasn't any water to +breathe in? And the fools that tried it would soon find out; and serve +'em right! Well, I mean to say, this boulder that had lain inert and +indifferent while the ages wrought man from a thing of one cell--and not +much of a cell at that--bore across that face of it nearest the winding +trail, a lettered appeal, as from one man to another. The letters were +large and neatly done in white paint and the brushwork was recent. And +the letters said, with a good deal of pathos, it seemed to me: + +WAGNER'S SYLVAN GLEN, ONLY THIRTY-TWO MILES. HERMAN WAGNER, SOLE PROP. + +Let this teach us, one and all, this morning, that everything in Nature +has its use if we but search diligently. I mean, even big rocks like +this, which are too big to build homes or even courthouses of. May we +not, at least, paint things on them in plain letters with periods and +commas, and so on, and so give added impetus to whatever is happening +to us? + +But the evening wears on and the whipping mental urge of grape juice +meddled with by Uncle Henry wears off. And so, before it all ends, what +about Herman Wagner, Sole Prop. of Wagner's Sylvan Glen? + +I know it has been a hard day, but let us try to get the thing in order. +Why not begin cautiously with a series of whys? Why any particular sylvan +glen in a country where everything is continuously and overwhelmingly +sylvan and you can't heave a rock without hitting a glen? Really, you +can't walk fifty yards out there without stepping on a glen--or in a +glen; it doesn't matter. What I am earnestly trying to get at is, if this +Herman Wagner wanted to be sole prop. of a sylvan glen, why should he +have gone thirty-two miles farther for one? Why didn't he have it right +there? Why insanely push thirty-two miles on in a country where miles +mean something serious? Up-and-down miles, tilted horribly or standing +on edge! + +It didn't seem astute. And Herman achieved simply no persuasion whatever +with me by stocking in that "only." He could have put only all over the +rock and it would still have been thirty-two miles, wouldn't it? Only +indeed! You might think the man was saying "Only ten minutes' walk from +the post office"--or something with a real meaning like that. I claimed +then and I claim now that he should have omitted the only and come out +blunt with the truth. There are times in this world when the straight and +bitter truth is better without any word-lace. This Wagner person was a +sophist. So I said to him, now, as a man will at times: + +"All right, Herman, old top! But you'll have to think up something better +than only to put before those thirty-two miles. If you had said 'Only two +miles' it might have had its message for me. But thirty more than that! +Be reasonable! Why not pick out a good glen that parties can slip off to +for a quiet evening without breaking up a whole week? Frankly, I don't +understand you and your glen. But you can bet I'll find out about it!" + +So, right away, I said to Ma Pettengill, who by this time had a lot of +bills and papers and ledgers and stuff out on her desk, and was talking +hotly to all of them--I said to her that there was nearly half a bottle +of Uncle Henry's wine left, his rare old grape wine laid down well over a +month ago; so she had better toss off a foamy beaker of it--yes, it still +foamed--and answer me a few questions. + +It was then she said the things about that there wine being able to +inflate the casualty lists, even of Polish weddings, which are already +the highest known to the society page of our police-court records. She +said, further, that she had took just enough of the stuff at dinner to +make her think she wasn't entirely bankrupt, and she wanted to give +these here accounts a thorough going-over while the sensation lasted. + +Not wishing to hurt Uncle Henry's feelings, even if he didn't catch me at +it, I partook again of the fervent stuff, and fell into new wonder at the +seeming imbecility of Herman Wagner. I found myself not a little moved +by the pathos of him. It was little enough I could get from Ma Pettengill +at first. She spoke almost shortly to me when I asked her things she had +to stop adding silly figures to answer. + +What I found out was mostly my own work, putting two and two in their +fit relationship. Even the mention of Herman Wagner's full name brought +nothing about himself. I found it most annoying. I would say: "Come on, +now; what about this Herman Wagner that paints wheedling messages across +the face of Nature?" And to this fair, plain query I would merely have +more of the woman's endless help troubles. All that come looking for work +these days was stormy petrels, not caring if they worked or not--just +asking for it out of habit. + +Didn't she have a singing teacher, a painless dentist, a crayon-portrait +artist and a condemned murderer on her payroll this very minute, all +because the able-bodied punchers had gone over to see that nasty little +Belgium didn't ever again attack Germany in that ruthless way? She had +read that it cost between thirty and thirty-five thousand dollars to +wound a soldier in battle. Was that so? Well, she'd tell me that she +stood ready to wound any of these that was left behind for between +thirty and thirty-five cents, on easy payments. Wound 'em severely, +too! Not mere scratches. + +Presently again I would utter Herman Wagner, only to be told that these +dry cows she was letting go for sixty dollars--you come to cut 'em up for +beef and you'd have to grease the saw first. Or I heard what a scandal +it was that lambs actually brought five-fifty, and the Government at +Washington, D.C., setting back idly under the outrage! + +Then I heard, with perfect irrelevance to Herman Wagner, that she +wouldn't have a puncher on the place that owned his own horse. Because +why? Because he'd use him gentle all day and steal grain for him at +night. Also, that she had some kind of rheumatiz in her left shoulder; +but she'd rather be a Christian Scientist and fool herself than pay a +doctor to do the same. It may all have been true, but it was not +important; not germane to the issue, as we so often say in writing +editorials. + +It looked so much like a blank for Herman Wagner that I quit asking for +a time and let the woman toil at her foolish ruinous tasks. + +After half an hour of it she began to rumble a stanza of By Cool Siloam's +Shady Rill; so I chanced it again, remarking on the sign I had observed +that day. So she left her desk for a seat before the fire and said yes, +and they was other signs of Herman's hid off in the mountains where no +one but cows, that can't read a line, would see 'em. She also divulged +that Herman, himself, wasn't anything you'd want a bronze statue of to +put up in Courthouse Square. + +Well then, come on, now! What about him? No, sir; not by a darned sight! +With that there desk full of work, she simply could not stop to talk now. +She did. + +Is that the only sign of Herman's you saw? He's got others along them +trails. You'll see an arrow in white paint, pointing to his sylvan glen, +and warnings not to go to other glens till you've tried his. One says: +You've tried the rest; now try the best! Another says: Try Wagner's +Sylvan Glen for Boating, Bathing, and Fishing. Meals at all hours! And +he's got one that shows he studied American advertising as soon as he +landed in this country. It says: Wagner's Sylvan Glen--Not How Good, +But How Cheap! + +I don't know. I ain't made up my mind about Herman, even yet. If it +wasn't for why he had to leave Nevada and if I knew there could be more +than one kind of German, then I'd almost say Herman was the other kind. +But, of course, there can't be but one kind, and he showed the Prussian +strain fast enough in why he come up from Reno. Still and all, he's got +his engaging points as a pure imbecile or something. + +He don't tell me why he left Reno for a long time after he gets here; +not till I'd won his confidence by showing I was a German sympathizer. It +was when Sandy Sawtelle had a plan for a kind of grand war measure. His +grand war measure was to get some secret agents into Germany and kill off +all the women under fifty. He said if you done this the stock would die +out, because look at the game laws against killing does! He told this +to everybody. He told it to Herman; but Herman knew enough to remain +noncommittal 'bout it. He told it to me, and I saw right off it probably +couldn't be managed right; and, even if it could be, I said to Sandy, +it seemed to me somehow like it would be sort of inhuman. + +Herman heard me say this and got the idea I was a pacifist and a secret +friend of his country; so he confided to me the secret of why he left +Reno to keep from having his heart cut out by Manuel Romares. But no +matter! + +Anyway, last year in the spring this Herman dropped by, looking for +work. He hadn't been in America long, having stopped with his uncle in +Cincinnati a while, and then coming West on a life of adventure and to +take up a career. He said now he'd come up from Nevada, where he'd been +working on a sheep ranch, and he acted like he wanted to get into +something respectable and lead a decent life again. + +Well, it had got so I hired everything that come along; so why not +Herman? I grabbed at him. The boys heard he was a German alien and acted, +at first, like a bunch of hogs with a bear about; but I'd of hired old +Hinderburg himself if he'd offered and put him to doing something worth +while. + +This Herman was the first man ever worked here in side whiskers. He told +me, after I showed myself a German sympathizer, that in the beginning of +the war he'd wore one of them moustaches like the Kaiser puts up in tin +fasteners every night after he's said his prayers; but this had made him +an object of unpleasant remark, including missiles. So he had growed this +flowering border round it to take off the curse. + +They was beautiful shiny side whiskers and entirely innocent-looking. +In the right clothes Herman could of gone into any Sabbath school in the +land and said he was glad to see so many bright little faces there this +morning, and now what was to-day's golden text, and so on. That's what +he looked like. These things fell like portieres each side of his face, +leaving his chin as naked as the day he was born. He didn't have any too +much under his mouth either; so I guess the whiskers was really a mercy +to his face. + +He admitted he didn't know too much about the cow business, but said +he was willing to learn; so I put him on the payroll. We found he was +willing to try anything that looked easy; for instance, like setting on +colts for the first time. The first morning he went to work it was rainy, +with the ground pretty wet, and he was out to the corral watching Sandy +Sawtelle break a colt. That's the best time to handle colts that has +never been set on. They start to act up and pour someone out of the +saddle; then they slip and slide, helpless, and get the idea a regler +demon of a rider is up there, and give in. So the boys give Herman a +fussy two-year-old, and Herman got away with it not so bad. + +Of course he was set off a few times, but not hard; and the colt, +slicking over this wet ground, must of thought another star rider had +come to town. Two days later, though, when the ground was dry, Herman +got on the same wild animal again, and it wasn't there when he come down +from his first trip aloft. It traded ends with him neatly and was off in +a corner saying. "Well, looks like that German ain't such a dandy rider +after all! I couldn't pull that old one with him yesterday, but I +certainly done it good to-day." + +I wasn't near enough to hear what Herman said when he picked himself up; +but I'm a good lip reader since I been going to these moving pictures, +and I'm way mistaken if he hadn't learned two or three good things in +English to call a horse at certain times. + +He walked for several days with trench feet, and his morale was low +indeed. He was just that simple. He'd try things that sane punchers +wouldn't go looking for, if sober; in fact, he was so simple you might +call him simple-minded and not get took up for malicious slander. + +So it come to where we seen he wasn't good for anything on this ranch but +chore boy. And naturally we needed a chore boy, like we needed everything +else. He could get up wood, and feed the pigs we was fattening, and milk +the three dairy cows, and make butter, and help in the kitchen. But as +for being a cow hand, he wasn't even the first joint on your little +finger. He was willing, but his Maker had stopped right at that point +with him. And he had a right happy time being chore boy. + +Of course the boys kidded him a lot after they found out he could +positively not be enraged by the foulest aspersions on the character of +the Kaiser and his oldest son. They seen he was just an innocent dreamer, +mooning round the place at his humble tasks. They spent a lot of good +time thinking up things for him. + +He'd brought a German shotgun with silver trimmings with him, which he +called a fowling piece, and he wanted to hunt in his few leisure moments; +so the boys told him all the kinds of game that run wild on the place. + +There was the cross-feathered snee, I remember, which was said by the +bird books to be really the same as the sidehill mooney. It has one leg +shorter than the other and can be captured by hand if driven to level +ground, where it falls over on its side in a foolish manner when it tries +to run. Herman looked forward to having one of these that he could stuff +and send to his uncle in Cincinnati, who wrote that he had never seen +such a bird. + +Also, he spent a lot of time down on the crick flat looking for a mu, +which is the same as a sneeze-duck, except for the parallel stripes. It +has but one foot webbed; so it swims in a circle and can be easy shot by +the sportsman, who first baits it with snuff that it will go miles to +get. Another wild beast they had him hunting was the filo, which is like +the ruffle snake, except that it has a thing like a table leg in its ear. +It gets up on a hill and peeks over at you, but will never come in to +lunch. The boys said they nearly had one over on Grizzly Peak one time, +but it swallowed its tail and become invisible to the human eye, though +they could still hear its low note of pleading. Also, they had Herman +looking for a mated couple of the spinach bug for which the Smithsonian +Institution had offered a reward of five hundred dollars, cash. + +Herman fell for it all--all this old stuff that I had kicked the slats +out of my trundle-bed laughing at. And in between exciting adventures +with his fowling piece he'd write himself some pieces of poetry in a +notebook, all about the cows and the clouds and other natural objects. He +would also recite poetry written by other Germans, if let. And at night +he'd play on a native instrument shaped like a potato, by blowing into +one cavity and stopping up other cavities to make the notes. It would be +slow music and make you think of the quiet old churchyard where your +troubles would be o'er; and why not get there as soon as possible? Sad +music! + +So Herman was looked on as a harmless imbecile by one and all till Eloise +Plummer come over to help in the kitchen while the haying crew was here +last summer. And Eloise looked on him as something else. She looked on +Herman as one of them that make it unsafe for girls to leave home. She +had good reason to. + +Eloise is in the prime of young womanhood; but this is just exactly as +fur as any fair-minded judge would go to say of her as a spectacle. Her +warmest adherents couldn't hardly get any warmer than that if put under +oath. She has a heart of gold undoubtedly, but a large and powerful face +that would belong rightly to the head director of a steel corporation +that's worked his way up from the bottom. + +It is not a face that has ever got Eloise pestered with odious attentions +from the men. Instead of making 'em smirk and act rough, but playful, it +made 'em think that life, after all, is more serious than most of us +suspect in our idle moments. It certainly is a face to make men think. +And inspiring this black mood in men had kind of reacted on Eloise till +they couldn't quite see what they was ever intended for. It was natural. + +I don't say the girl could of cooked all winter in a lumber camp and not +been insulted a time or two; but it wasn't fur from that with her. + +So you can imagine how bitter she was when this Herman nut tried to make +up to her. Herman was a whirlwind wooer; I'll say that for him. He told +her right off that she was beautiful as the morning star and tried to +kiss her hand. None of these foolish preliminaries for Herman, like +"Lovely weather we're having!" or "What's your favourite flower?" + +Eloise was quick-natured, too. She put him out of the kitchen with a coal +shovel, after which Herman told her through a crack of the door that she +was a Lorelei. + +Eloise, at first, misunderstood this term entirely, and wasn't much less +insulted when she found it meant one of these German hussies that hang +round creeks for no good purpose. Not that her attitude discouraged +Herman any; he played under her window that night, and also sang a rich +custard sort of tenor in his native tongue, till I had to threaten him +with the bastile to get any sleep myself. + +Next day he fetched her regal gifts, consisting of two polished +abalone shells, a picture of the Crown Prince in a brass frame, +and a polished-wood paper knife with Greetings from Reno! on it. + +Eloise was now like an enraged goddess or something; and if Herman hadn't +been a quick bender and light on his feet she wouldn't of missed him with +his gifts. As it was, he ducked in time and went out to the spring house +to write a poem on her beauty, which he later read to her in German +through a kitchen window that was raised. The window was screened; so he +read it all. Later he gets Sandy Sawtelle to tell her this poem is all +about how coy she is. Every once in a while you could get an idea partway +over on Herman. He was almost certain Eloise was coy. + +By the end of that second day, after Herman threw kisses to her for ten +minutes from on top of the woodshed, where he was safe, she telephoned +her brother to come over here quick, if he had the soul of a man in his +frame, and kill Herman like he would a mad dog. + +But Eloise left the next morning, without waiting for anything suitable +to be pulled off by her family. It was because, when she went to bed +that night, she found a letter from Herman pinned to her pillow. It had +a red heart on it, pierced by a dagger that was dropping red drops very +sentimentally; and it said would she not hasten to take her vast beauty +out in the moonlight, to walk with Herman under the quiet trees while +the nightingale warbled and the snee, or sidehill mooney, called to its +lovemate? And here, as they walked, they could plan their beautiful +future together. + +This was beyond Eloise even with a full battery of kitchen utensils at +hand. She left before breakfast; and Herman had to come in and wash +dishes. + +The next excitement was Herman committing suicide, out in the woodshed, +with a rope he'd took off a new packsaddle. Something interrupted him +after he got the noose adjusted and was ready to step off the chopping +block he stood on. I believe it was one more farewell note to the woman +that sent him to his grave. Only he got interested in it and put in a lot +more of his own poetry and run out of paper, and had to get more from the +house; and he must of forgot what he went to the woodshed for because an +hour after that he committed an entirely new suicide with his fowling +piece. + +Near as I could gather, he was all ready to pull the trigger, looking +down into this here frowning muzzle before a mirror; and then something +about his whiskers in the mirror must of caught his eye. Anyway, another +work of self-destruction was off. So he come in and helped with lunch. +Then he told me he'd like to take some time off, because he was going +up to the deep pool to drown himself. + +I said was he really bent on it? He said it was requisite, because away +from this beautiful lady, who had torn his heart out and danced on it, he +could not continue to live, even for one day. So I come down on Herman. I +told him that, hard up as I was for help, I positively would not have a +man on the place who was always knocking off work to kill himself. It et +into his time, and also it took the attention of others who longed to see +him do it. + +I said I might stand for a suicide or two--say, once a month, on a quiet +Sunday--but I couldn't stand this here German thoroughness that kept it +up continual. At least, if he hoped to keep on drawing pay from me, he'd +have to make way with himself in his own leisure moments and not on my +time. + +Herman says I don't know the depths of the human heart. I says I know +what I pay him a month, and that's all I'm needing to know in this +emergency. I thought, of course, he'd calm down and forget his nonsense; +but not so. He moped and mooned, and muttered German poetry to himself +for another day, without ever laying a violent hand on himself; but then +he come and said it was no good. He says, however, he will no longer +commit suicide at this place, where none have sympathy with him and many +jeer. Instead, he will take his fowling piece to some far place in the +great still mountains and there, at last, do the right thing by himself. + +I felt quite snubbed, but my patience was wore out; so I give Herman +the money that was coming to him, wished him every success in his +undertaking, and let him go. + +The boys scouted round quite a bit the next few days, listening for +the shot and hoping to come on what was left; but they soon forgot it. +Me? I knew one side of Herman by that time. I knew he would be the most +careful boy in every suicide he committed. If I'd been a life-insurance +company it wouldn't have counted against him so much as the coffee habit +or going without rubbers. + +And--sure enough--about two months later the dead one come to life. +Herman rollicked in one night with news that he had wandered far into +the hills till he found the fairest spot on earth; that quickly made +him forget his great sorrow. His fairest spot was a half section of +bad land a hopeful nester had took up back in the hills. It had a little +two-by-four lake on it and a grove of spruce round the lake; and Herman +had fell in love with it like with Eloise. + +He'd stay with the nester, who was half dead with lonesomeness, so that +even a German looked good to him, and wrote to his uncle in Cincinnati +for money to buy the place. And now I'd better hurry over and see it, +because it was Wagner's Sylvan Glen, with rowing, bathing, fishing, and +basket parties welcome. Yes, sir! It goes to show you can't judge a +German like you would a human. + +I laughed at first; but no one ever got to Herman that way. He was firm +and delighted. That Sylvan Glen was just the finest resort anywhere +round! Why, if it was within five miles of Cincinnati or Munich it would +be worth a million dollars! And so on. It done no good to tell him it was +not within five miles of these towns and never would be. And it done less +good to ask him where his customers was coming from, there not being a +soul nearer him than twenty miles, and then only scattered ranchers that +has got their own idea of a good time after the day's work is over, which +positively is not riding off to anybody's glen, no matter how sylvan. + +"The good people will come soon enough. You'll see!" says Herman. +"They soon find out the only place for miles round where they can get +a good pig's knuckle, or blood sausage and a glass Rhine wine--or maybe +beer--after a hard day's work. I got a fine boat on the lake--they can +row and push all round over the water; and I'm getting a house put up +with vines on it, like a fairy palace, and little tables outside! You +see! The people will come when they hear!" + +That was Herman. He never stopped to ask where they was coming from. He'd +make the place look like a Dutch beer garden and they'd just have to come +from somewhere, because what German ever saw a beer garden that didn't +have people coming to it? I reckoned up that Herman would have enough +custom to make the place pay, the quick rate our country is growing, in +about two hundred and forty-five or fifty years. + +So that's Wagner's Sylvan Glen you seen advertised. It's there all right; +and Herman is there, waiting for trade, with a card back of his little +bar that says, in big letters: Keep Smiling! I bet if you dropped in this +minute you'd find him in a black jacket and white apron, with a bill of +fare wrote in purple ink. He thinks people will soon drop in from twenty +miles off to get a cheese sandwich or a dill pickle, or something. + +Two of the boys was over this last June when he had his grand opening. +They was the only person there except a man from Surprise Valley that +was looking for stock and got lost. Buck Devine says the place looked +as swell as something you'd see round Chicago. + +Herman has a scow on the pond, and a dozen little green tables outside +under the spruce trees, with all the trees white-washed neatly round the +bottoms, and white-washed stones along the driveway, and a rustic gate +with Welcome to Wagner's Sylvan Glen! over it. And he's got some green +tubs with young spruces planted in 'em, standing under the big spruces, +and everything as neat as a pin. + +Everyone thinks he's plumb crazy now, even if they didn't when he said +Eloise Plummer was as beautiful as the morning star. But you can't tell. +He's getting money every month from his uncle in Cincinnati to improve +the place. He's sent the uncle a photo of it and it must look good back +in Cincinnati, where you can't see the surrounding country. + +Maybe Herman merely wants to lead a quiet life with the German poets, and +has thought up something to make the uncle come through. On the other +hand, mebbe he's a spy. Of course he's got a brain. He's either kidding +the uncle, or else Wagner's Sylvan Glen now covers a concrete gun +foundation. + +In either case he's due for harsh words some day--either from the uncle +when he finds there ain't any roadhouse patrons for twenty miles round, +or from the German War Office when they find out there ain't even +anything to shoot at. + +The lady paused; then remarked that, even at a church sociable, Uncle +Henry's idee of wine would probably make trouble to a police extent. Here +it had made her talkative long after bedtime, and she hadn't yet found +out just how few dollars stood between her and the poorhouse. + +I allowed her to sort papers for a moment. As she scanned them under +drawn brows beside a lamp that was dimming, she again rumbled into song. +She now sang: "What fierce diseases wait around to hurry mortals home!" +It is, musically, the crudest sort of thing. And it clashed with my mood; +for I now wished to know how Herman had revealed Prussian guile by his +manner of leaving Reno. Only after another verse of the hymn could I be +told. It seems worth setting down here: + +Well, Herman is working on a sheep ranch out of Reno, as I'm telling you, +and has trouble with a fellow outcast named Manuel Romares. Herman was +vague about what started the trouble, except that they didn't understand +each other's talk very well and one of 'em thought the other was making +fun of him. Anyway, it resulted in a brutal fist affray, greatly to +Herman's surprise. He had supposed that no man, Mexican or otherwise, +would dare to attack a German single-handed, because he would of heard +all about Germans being invincible, that nation having licked two +nations--Serbia and Belgium--at once. + +So, not suspecting any such cowardly attack, Herman was took unprepared +by Manuel Romares, who did a lot of things to him in the way of ruthless +devastation. Furthermore, Herman was clear-minded enough to see that +Manuel could do these things to him any time he wanted to. In that coarse +kind of fighting with the fists he was Herman's superior. So Herman +drawed off and planned a strategic coop. + +First thing he done was to make a peace offer, at which the trouble +should be discussed on a fair basis to both sides. Manuel not being one +to nurse a grudge after he'd licked a man in jig time, and being of a +sunny nature anyway, I judge, met him halfway. Then, at this peace +conference, Herman acted much unlike a German, if he was honest. He +said he had been all to blame in this disturbance and his conscience +hurt him; so he couldn't rest till he had paid Manuel an indemnity. + +Manuel is tickled and says what does Herman think of paying him? Herman +shows up his month's pay and says how would it suit Manuel if they go in +to Reno that night and spend every cent of this money in all the lovely +ways which could be thought up by a Mexican sheep herder that had just +come in from a six weeks' cross-country tour with two thousand of the +horrible animals. + +Manuel wanted to kiss Herman. Herman says he did cry large tears of +gladness. And they started for town. + +So they got to Reno, and did not proceed to the Public Library, or the +Metallurgical Institute, or the Historical Museum. They proceeded to the +Railroad Exchange Saloon, where they loitered and loitered and loitered +before the bar, at Herman's expense, telling how much they thought of +each other and eating of salt fish from time to time, which is intended +by the proprietor to make even sheep herders more thirsty than normal. + +Herman sipped only a little beer; but Manuel thought of many new +beverages that had heretofore been beyond his humble purse, and every +new one he took made him think of another new one. It was a grand moment +for Manuel--having anything he could think of set before him in this +beautiful cafe or saloon, crowded with other men who were also having +grand moments. + +After a while Herman says to Manuel to come outside, because he wants to +tell him something good he has thought of. So he leads him outside by an +arm and can hardly tell what he has to say because it's so funny he has +to laugh when he thinks of it. They go up an alley where they won't be +overheard, and Herman at last manages to keep his laughter down long +enough to tell it. It's a comical antic he wants Manuel to commit. + +Manuel don't get the idea, at first, but Herman laughs so hard that +at last Manuel thinks it's just got to be funny and pretty soon he's +laughing at it as hard as Herman is. + +So they go back to the saloon to do this funny thing, which is to be a +joke on the big crowd of men in there. Herman says he won't be able to +do it good himself, because he's got a bad cold and can't yell loud; but +Manuel's voice is getting better with every new drink. Manuel is just +busting with mirth, thinking of this good joke he's going to play on the +Americans. + +They have one more drink, Manuel taking peach brandy with honey, which +Herman says costs thirty cents; then he looks over the men standing there +and he yells good and loud: + +"To hell with the President! Hurrah for the Kaiser!" + +You know, when Herman told me that, I wondered right off if he hadn't +been educated in some school for German secret agents. Didn't it show +guile of their kind? I'll never be amazed if he does turn out to be a +spy that's simply went wrong on detail. + +Of course he was safe out of town long before Manuel limped from the +hospital looking for him with a knife. And yet Herman seemed so silly! +First thing when he got on the place he wanted to know where the engine +was that pumped the windmill. + +Furthermore, if you ask me, that there wine won't be made safe for +democracy until Uncle Henry has been years and years laid away to rest. + + + + +XI + +CURLS + + +Ma Pettengill, long morose, for months made hostile of mood by the +shortage of help, now bubbled with a strange vivacity. At her desk in the +Arrowhead living room she cheerfully sorted a jumble of befigured sheets +and proclaimed to one and all that the Arrowhead ranch was once more a +going concern. She'd thought it was gone, and here it was merely going. +She would no longer be compelled to stare ruin in the face till it +actually got embarrassed and had to look the other way. And it was the +swift doings of this here new foreman. He'd not only got us going again +but had put us on a military basis. And at that he was nothing but a poor +old wreck of a veteran from the trenches, aged all of twenty-one, shot to +pieces, gassed, shell-shocked, trench feeted and fevered, and darned bad +with nervous dyspepsia into the bargain. + +Thus described, the bargain seemed to me to be a poor one, for I had not +yet viewed this decrepit newcomer or been refreshed with tales of his +prowess. But Ma Pettengill knows men, and positively will not bubble +except under circumstances that justify it, so I considered the matter +worth a question or two. + +Very well then! What about this mere shattered bit of flotsam from the +world welter? How could so misused a remnant cope with the manifold cares +of the long-harried Arrowhead ranch? + +Why, he just plain coped, that was all. He might be mere shattered +flotsam, but you bet he was still some little coper, take her word for +that! Matter of fact, though, he didn't aim to hold the job for long. +Only until this here smarty of a medical officer, that turned him down +from going back to the trenches, was retired to private life again. +This here new foreman had to be on the ground when this puppet got +out of his uniform and so could be handled proper by the right party +without incurring twenty years in Leavenworth. At this brief meeting the +unfortunate man would be told politely that he had guessed wrong on the +foreman's physical condition, after which the same would be proved to +him then and there, leaving him to wish that he hadn't been so arrogant +telling parties they was unfit for further service and had better go +home and forget all about the war. Yes, sir; he'd be left himself with +something to forget that most likely he'd still be remembering vividly +when folks had got to wondering what them funny little buttons with +"Liberty Loan" on 'em could ever of been used for. + +Still, this palsied wreck was with us for a time and had started in that +very morning to carry on. He used but few words, but treated 'em rough if +they come looking for it. First, they was two I.W.W.'s down to the lower +field had struck for three-fifty a day, and had threatened to burn +someone's haystacks when it was coldly refused. So one had been took to +jail and one to the hospital the minute the flotsam slowed up with 'em. +It was a fair enough hospital case for both, but the one for jail could +still walk. + +Then two other new hands, two of these here demi-cowboys you have to put +up with, had kept the bunk house noisy every night with a bitter personal +quarrel including loud threats of mutual murder that never seemed to +get any further. So the flotsam, after drinking in some of their most +venomous eloquence, had lined 'em up and commanded 'em to git busy and +fight it out quick. And he had then licked 'em both in a quick and +exaggerated manner when they tried to keep on talking it out with him. + +It was a sharply etched impression over the ranch, now shared by its +owner, that this here invalid flotsam would take darned little nonsense +from any one. It was also the owner's own private impression that he had +been expelled from the war for rough behaviour on the field of battle and +not because of wounds or sickness. Most likely they'd told him the latter +because they was afraid to tell him the truth. But that was the real +truth; he was too scrappy and wouldn't let the war go on in peace and +quiet. + +Anyway, she and the Army was both satisfied, so let it go at that. +Mebbe after a few more arguments over there, when they'd made a +convinced pro-Ally out of Germany, she might get some more shell-wracked +jetsams like this one, that would step in without regard for the rules of +civilized warfare and make the life of a certain beef-cattle raiser just +one long dream of loveliness with pink rose leaves dreening down on her. +Mebbe so! + +I was charmed indeed to hear the gladsome note from one so long dismal. +So I told the woman that the longest war must have its end and that by +this time next year she would be refusing to hire good help at forty-five +dollars a month and found, in place of the seventy-five she was now +lavishing on indolent stragglers. + +She said in that happy case she might consent to adorn the cattle +business a few decades longer, but for her part she didn't believe wars +would end. If it wasn't this war it would be another one, because human +beings are undeniably human. As how? Well, I could take it this way. Say +one of these here inventors sets up nights for twenty years inventing a +gun that will shoot through a steel plate sixteen inches thick. All right +so far. But the next day another inventor invents a piece of steel +seventeen inches thick. And it had to begin all over--just a seesaw. From +where she set she couldn't see no end to it. Was she right; or wasn't +she? Of course! + +But now, further, about compelling little boys to wear long curls till +maturity, with the idee of blunting their finer instincts and making +hellions of 'em, so's to have some dandy shock troops for the next +war--well, she didn't know. Room for argument there. + +This seemed reasonable. I didn't know either. It was an entirely new +idee, come from nowhere. This was the very first moment I had supposed +there could be such an idee. But such is Ma Pettengill. I thought to +inquire as to the origin of this novelty; perhaps to have it more fully +set forth. But I had not to. Already I saw unrelenting continuance in the +woman's quickened eye. There would be, in fact, no stopping her now. So I +might as well leave a one-line space right here to avoid using the double +and single quotation marks, which are a nuisance to all concerned. I will +merely say that Ma Pettengill spoke in part as follows, and at no time +during the interview said modestly that she would prefer not to have her +name mentioned. + +Mind you, I don't say war's a good thing, even for them that come out of +it. Of course you can read stories about how good it is in improving the +character. I've read pretty ones in these here sentimental magazines +that get close to the great heart of the people once a month; stories +about how the town tough boy, that robs his gray-haired mother of her +wash money to play pool with, goes into war's purifying flames and comes +out a man, having rescued Marshal Fotch from a shell hole under fire and +got the thanks of the French nation and his home-town paper. Now he don't +hang round the pool parlour any more, running down fifteen balls from the +break, but shuns his low companions, never touches a cue again, marries +the mayor's daughter and becomes the regular Democratic candidate for +county recorder. + +These stories may be true. I don't know. Only these same magazines print +stories that have a brave fireman in the picture carrying a fainted girl +down his ladder through the flames, and if you believed them you'd also +believe they had to set a tenement house on fire every time a fireman +wants to get married. And that don't stand to reason. Mebbe the other +stories don't either. + +But what about the other side of these same stories? What about the +village good boy that goes through war's purifying flame and comes back +home to be the town tough? Ain't it time someone showed up the moral +ravages war commits on our best young men? + +Me? I just had a talk lately with a widowed mother down to Red Gap and +what this beastly war has done to her oldest boy--well, if she could of +looked ahead she would of let the world go right on being unsafe even for +Republicans. She poured her heart out to me. She is Mrs. Arline Plunkett, +one of the sweetest, gentlest mothers that ever guarded a son from every +evil influence. And then to see it all go whoosh! The son's name was +Shelley Plunkett, or it was until he went out into the world to make a +name for himself. He is now largely known as Bugs Plunkett. I leave it +to you if a nice mother would relish having her boy make that name for +himself. And after all the pains she'd took with his moral development +from the cradle up--till he run away from home on account of his curls! + +Arline had been left well-off by her husband, who was president of +the Drovers' Trust Company, and her home was about the most refined +home in Red Gap, having full bookcases and pictures of foreign Catholic +churches--though Arline is a Presbyterian--and metal statues of antique +persons, male and female, and many articles of adornment that can't be +had for the ordinary trading stamps. She lived, of course, only for her +two boys, Shelley and Keats. Keats being an infant didn't require much +living for, but Shelley was old enough to need a lot of it. + +He was eight years old when I first seen him, with long golden curls to +his shoulders and lace on his velvet pants. He came in when I was calling +on his ma and acted the perfect little gentleman. He was so quiet and +grown-up he made me feel right awkward. He had the face of a half-growed +angel framed in these yellow curls, and his manners was them of Sir +Galahad that he read stories about. He was very entertaining this day. +His mother had him show me a portrait of himself and curls that had been +printed in a magazine devoted to mothers and watermelon-rind pickles, and +so forth, and he also brought me the new book his pastor had presented +him with on his eighth birthday. + +It was a lovely bound book, having a story about a sheepman that had a +hundred head out on the range and lost one and left the other ninety-nine +unprotected from the coyotes and went out into the brush looking for the +lost one, which is about the brains of the average sheepman; but it was a +pretty book, and little Shelley told me prettily all about the story, and +showed me how his dear pastor had wrote in it for him. He had wrote: "To +Shelley Vane Plunkett, who to the distinction of his name unites a noble +and elevated nature." I wonder if Bugs Plunkett ever looks at that +writing now and blushes for his lost angel face? Anyway, I thought this +day that he was the loveliest, purest child in the world, with his +delicate beauty and sweet little voice and perfect manners, all set +off by the golden curls. + +A couple days later I was going through that same street and when I +turned a corner next to the Plunkett house, here was little Shelley +addressing a large red-faced man on the back of an ice wagon that had +stopped there. It was some shock to my first notions of the angel child. +I gathered with no trouble whatever that the party on the ice wagon had +so far forgot his own manners as to call little Shelley a sissy. It was a +good three-to-one bet he was now sorry he spoke. Little Shelley was using +language beyond his years and words that had never been taught him by his +lady mother. He handled them words like they was his slaves. Three or +four other parties stopped to listen without seeming to. I have heard +much in my time. I have even been forced to hear Jeff Tuttle pack a mule +that preferred not to be packed. And little Shelley was informing, even +to me. He never hesitated for a word and was quick and finished with the +syllables. + +The ice-wagon man was peeved, as he had a right to be, and may of been +going to talk back, but when he saw the rest of us getting Shelley he +yelled to the man in the front to drive on. It was too late, quick as +he went, to save the fair repute of himself and family, if Shelley's +words was to be took seriously. Shelley had invaded the most sacred +relationship and pretended to bare a hideous scandal. Also the iceman +himself couldn't possibly of done half the things Shelley hotly urged +him to do. + +Us people that had seemed to linger walked right on, not meeting each +other's eye, and Shelley again become the angel child, turning in at his +gate and walking up the path in a decorous manner with his schoolbooks +under his arm. I first wondered if I shouldn't go warn Arline that her +child had picked up some words that would get him nowhere at all with his +doting pastor. Little could the fond woman dream, when she tucked him in +after his prayers at night, that talk such as this could come from his +sweet young lips. How much mothers think they know of their sons and how +darned little they do know! But I decided to keep out of it, remembering +that no mother in the world's history had ever thanked a person for +anything but praise of her children. + +Still, I couldn't help but worry about Shelley's future, both here and +hereafter. But I talked to other people about it and learned that he was +already known as a public character to everyone but his own dear mother. +It was these here curls that got him attacked on every hand by young and +old, and his natural vigour of mind had built him up a line of repartee +that was downright blistering when he had time to stop and recite it all. +Even mule skinners would drive blocks out of their way just to hear +little Shelley's words when someone called him sissy or girl-boy. + +It seems Shelley never took any of these troubles to his mother, because +he was right manly and he regarded curls as a natural infirmity that +couldn't be helped and that his poor ma shouldn't be blamed for. He'd +always had curls, just as other unfortunates had been disfigured or +maimed from birth, so he'd took it as a cross the Lord had give him to +bear. And he was willing to bear it in silence if folks would just let +him alone. Otherwise, not. Oh, most surely not! + +I kind of kept watch on Shelley's mad career after that. It was mad most +of the time. He had already begun to fight as well as to use language, +and by the time he was ten he was a very nasty scrapper. And ready--it +soon got so that only boys new-come to town would taunt him about his +golden locks. And unless they was too much out of Shelley's class he made +believers of 'em swiftly. From ten to twelve he must of had at least one +good fight a day, what with the new ones and the old ones that still +couldn't believe a boy in velvet pants with curls on his shoulders could +really put it over on 'em. His mother believed his clothes was tore and +his face bunged up now and then in mere boyish sports, and begged him not +to engage in such rough games with his childish playmates. And Shelley, +the little man, let her talk on, still believing he was like little Paul +McNamara, that had a crooked foot. He wasn't going to shame his mother as +well as himself. + +I don't know just how Shelley ever got his big illumination that curls +was not a curse put on him by his Maker. But he certainly did get it when +he was round twelve. After two years of finish fights he suddenly found +out that curls is optional, or a boy's own fault, if not his mother's, +and that they may be cured by a simple and painless operation. He'd come +to the observing age. They say he'd stand in front of Henry Lehman's +barber shop every chance he'd get, watching the happy men getting their +hair cut. And he put two and two together. + +Then he went straight to his mother and told her all about his wonderful +and beautiful discovery. He was awful joyous about it. He said you only +had to go to Mr. Lehman's barber shop with thirty-five cents, and the +kind Mr. Lehman would cut the horrible things off and make him look like +other boys, so please let him have the thirty-five. + +Then Shelley got a great shock. It was that his mother wanted him to wear +them things to please her. She burst into tears and said the mere thought +of her darling being robbed of his crowning glory by that nasty old Henry +Lehman or any one else was breaking her heart, and how could he be so +cruel as to suggest it? + +The poor boy must of been quite a bit puzzled. Here was a way out of +something he had thought was incurable, and now his mother that loved him +burst into tears at the thought of it. So he put it out of his mind. He +couldn't hurt his mother, and if cutting off his disgrace was going to +hurt her he'd have to go on wearing it. + +Shelley was getting lanky now, with big joints and calf knees showing +below his velvet pants; and he was making great headway, I want to tell +you, in what seemed to be his chosen profession of pugilism. He took to +going out of his class, taking on boys two or three years older. I never +had the rare pleasure of seeing him in action, but it was mere lack of +enterprise on my part. Before he found out that curls could be relieved +by a barber he had merely took such fights as come to him. But now he +went out of his way looking for 'em, and would start the action himself. + +It got so that boys used to travel in bands--them that had criticized his +appearance so he'd hear it--but he'd lie in wait for stragglers that was +left behind by the convoy, and it would be the same old sad story. You +can know what it meant when I tell you that the last year Shelley went to +school they say he could come onto the playground with his long yellow +curls floating in the breeze, and not a word would be heard from the +fifty boys that might be there. + +And so it went till he was thirteen. One succession of fights and a +growing collection of words that would of give his fond pastor something +to think about. Of course word of the fights would get to Shelley's ma +from mothers whose little ones he had ravaged, but she just simply didn't +believe it. You know a woman can really not believe anything she don't +wish to. You couldn't tell that lady that her little boy with the angel +face and soft voice would attack another boy unless the other boy begun +it. And if the other boy did begin it it was because he envied Shelley +his glorious curls. Arline was certainly an expert in the male +psychology, as they call it. + +But at thirteen Shelley was losing a lot of the angel out of his face. +His life of battle had told on him, I guess. But he was still obedient +and carried the cross for his mother's sake. Poor thing! He'd formed the +habit of obedience and never once suspicioned that a woman had no right +to impose on him just because she was his mother. Shelley just took to +fighting a little quicker. He wouldn't wait for words always. Sometimes +mere looks of disgust would start him. + +Then, when he got to near fourteen, still with the beautiful curls, he +begun to get a lovely golden down on his face; and the face hadn't hardly +a trace of angel left in it. The horrible truth was that Shelley not only +needed a haircut but a shave. And one day, goaded by certain taunts, he +told his mother this in a suddenly bass voice. It must of startled +Arline, having this roar come out of her child when his little voice had +always been sweet and high. So she burst into some more tears and Shelley +asked her forgiveness, and pretty soon she was curling his hair again. I +guess he knew right then it was for the last time on earth, but nothing +warned the mother. + +These new taunts that had finally made a man of Shelley was no taunts +from boys, which he could handle easy, but the taunts of heedless girls, +who naturally loathed a boy with curls even more than male humans of any +age loathe him; and girls can be a lot tauntier when they start out to. +Well, Shelley couldn't lick girls, and he had reached an age when their +taunts cut into his hide like whiplashes, so he knew right well he had +to do something desperate. + +Then he went out and run away from the refining influences of his +beautiful home. He took to the hills and landed way up on the north +fork of the Kulanche where Liver-eating Johnson has a sheep ranch. +Liver-eating, who is an unsavory character himself, had once heard +Shelley address a small group of critics in front of the post office, +and had wanted to adopt him right there. He still cherished the fondest +memories of Shelley's flow of language, so he was tickled to death to +have him drop along and stop, seeing that though but a lad in years he +was a man and brother in speech, even if he did look like a brother that +had started out to be a sister and got mixed. + +Liver-eating took him in and fed him and cut his hair with a pair of +sheep shears. It was a more or less rough job, because shearing sheep +does not make a man a good human barber by any means. But Shelley +looked at his head in the glass and said it was the most beautiful +haircut in the world. Fussy people might criticize it here and there, +but they could never say it hadn't really been cut. + +He was so grateful to Liver-eating that he promised to stay with him +always and become a sheep herder. And he did hide out there several +months till his anguished mother found out where he was. After having +every pond dragged and every bit of woods searched for her boy's body +she had believed he'd been carried off by kidnappers on account of his +heavenly beauty, and she'd probably have to give ten thousand dollars +for his release. She was still looking for a letter from these fiends +when she learned about his being with Liver-eating Johnson and that +this wretch had committed sacrilege on him. + +It was a harsh blow to know that her pet had consorted with such a +person, who was not only a sheepman but had earned his nickname in a +way that our best people thought not nice. He'd gone home one day years +ago and found his favourite horse had been took by an Injun. Being a +simple-mannered man of few words, he just said that by sundown to-morrow +he would of et the liver of the Injun that done the stealing. I don't +know, personally, what happened, except that he did come back the next +night with his horse. Anyway no one ever begrudged him his title after +that. And here was Shelley Vane Plunkett, who had been carefully raised +on fruits and cereals, taking up with such a nauseous character as a +social equal. + +Arline had the sheriff out at once for her darling, but Shelley got word +and beat it farther. He finally got to Seattle, where he found various +jobs, and kept his mother guessing for three years. He was afraid she'd +make him start the curls again if he come home. But finally, when he was +eighteen, he did come, on her solemn promise to behave. But he was no +longer the angel-faced darling that had left, and he still expected at +least one fight a day, though no longer wearing what would cause fights. +He'd formed the habit and just couldn't leave off. A body could hardly +look at him without starting something unpleasant. He was round like a +barrel now, and tough and quick, and when anything did happen to be +started he was the one that finished it. Also, he'd have his hair cut +close every five or six days. He always looked like a prisoner that had +started to let it grow about a week before he left the institution. +Shelley was taking no chances, and he used to get a strange, glittering +look in his eye when he regarded little Keats, his baby brother, who was +now coming on with golden curls just as beautiful as Shelley's had ever +been. But he done nothing sinister. + +In time he might of settled down and become a useful citizen, but right +then the war broke out, so no more citizen stuff for Shelley. It was +almost too good to be true that he could go to a country where fighting +was legal; not only that, but they'd give him board and lodging and a +little spending money for doing the only thing he'd ever learned to do +well. It sure looked like heaven. So off he went to Canada and enlisted +and got sent across and had three years of perfect bliss, getting changed +over to our Army when we finally got unneutral so you could tell it. + +Of course his mother was almost more anguished about his going to war +than about having his curls fixed with the sheep shears. She said even +if he wasn't shot he would be sure to contract light habits in France, +consisting of native wine and dancing, and so forth, and she hoped at +least he could be a drummer boy or something safe. + +But Shelley never had a safe moment, I guess. No such thing as a quiet +sector where he was. He fought at the Front, and then he'd fight at +hospitals every time he got took back there for being shot up. He was +almost too scrappy even for that war. He was usually too busy to write, +but we got plenteous reports of his adventures from other men, these +adventures always going hard with whatever Germans got in his way. +And I bet his mother never dreamed that his being such a demon fighter +was all due to her keeping him in curls so long, where he got the habit +and come to love it for its own sake. + +Anyway, he fought and fought and had everything happen to him that German +science had discovered was useful to exterminate the lesser races, and it +finally begun to tell on him, hardened as he was by fighting from the +cradle up, as you might say. + +It was a glad day for Arline when she got word that he was a broken-down +invalid and had landed at an Atlantic Ocean port on his way home. She +got arrowroot gruel and jelly and medicinal delicacies and cushions, and +looked forward to a life of nursing. She hoped that in the years to come +she could coax the glow of health back to his wan cheeks. And I wouldn't +put it past her--mebbe she hoped she could get him to let the golden hair +grow again, just long enough to make him interesting as he lay coughing +on his couch. + +And Shelley come home, but his idee of being an invalid wasn't anything +like his mother's. He looked stout as a horse, and merely wished to rest +up for a couple weeks before getting some other kind of action suited to +his peculiar talents. And worse, he wasn't Shelley Vane Plunkett--he was +Bugs Plunkett; and his mother's heart broke again. He was shaved like a +convict and thicker through than ever, and full of rich outdoor words +about what he would do to this so-and-so medical officer for not letting +him back into the scrap. Yes, sir; that man is going to suffer casualties +right up to the limit the minute he gets out of his uniform--and him +thinking the world is at peace once more! Sure, Shelley had been shot +through the lungs a couple of times, and one leg had been considerably +altered from the original plan, but he had claimed he was a better +scrapper than ever before and had offered to prove it to this medical +officer right then and there if it could be done quiet. But this fair +offer had been rejected. + +So here he'd come back, not any kind of a first-class invalid that would +be nice to nurse, but as Bugs Plunkett! No sooner did he get to town than +letters and postal cards begun to come addressed to Mr. Bugs Plunkett or +mebbe B. Plunkett, Esquire; and the cards would be from his old pals in +the trenches, many of whom had worse names, even, than Shelley had made +for himself. + +Also the sick warrior turned down flat the arrowroot gruel and Irish-moss +custard and wine jelly and pale broth. He had to have the same coarse +food that is et by common working people who have had no home advantages, +including meat, which is an animal poison and corrupts the finer +instincts of man by reducing him to the level of the brutes. So Arline +Plunkett says. Shelley had it, though, ordering it in a bass voice that +made the statuary teeter. Steak was cooked in the Plunkett home for +the first time since it had been erected, notwithstanding the horrible +example it set to little Keats, who still had golden curls as lovely as +Shelley's once had been and was fed on fruits and nuts. + +Arline couldn't of had any pleasant time with her wandering boy them +three weeks he was there. She suffered intensely over the ignominy of +this mail that came to him by the awful name of Bugs, with the gossips +in the post office telling it everywhere, so that the boys round the +cigar store got to calling him Bugs right out plain. And her son seeming +proud of this degradation! + +And she couldn't get him to protect himself from drafts by night. +He'd insist on having a window wide open, and when she'd sneak back to +close it so he wouldn't catch his death of cold he'd get up and court +destruction by hoisting it again. And once when she'd crept in and shut +it a second time he threw two shoes through the upper and lower parts so +it would always be open. He claimed he done this in his sleep, having got +into the habit in the trenches when he'd come in from a long march and +someone would close all the windows. But Arline said that this only +showed that war had made him a rowdy, even in his sleep--and out of the +gentlest-mannered boy that ever wore velvet garments and had a cinch on +every prize in the Sunday school; though she did not use coarse words +like that. She told me herself it was time we got this other side of what +war did to gently nurtured youths that had never soiled their lips with +an oath in their lives until they went into war's hell. She said just +that! + +Also Shelley had contracted the vicious habit of smoking, which was all +a body would want to know about war. She said he'd have his breakfast in +bed, including whole slices of ham, which comes from the most loathsome +of all animals, and would then lie and smoke the Lord Byron five-cent +cigar, often burning holes in the covers, which he said was another old +trench habit--and that showed what war done to the untainted human soil. +Also while smoking in bed he would tell little Keats things no innocent +child should hear, about how fine it feels to deflate Germans with a good +bayonet. She had never esteemed Lord Byron as a poet, and these cigars, +she assures me, was perfectly dreadful in a refined home, where they +could be detected even in the basement. + +Little Keats was now thirteen, with big joints and calf knees showing +under the velvet pants, and I guess his curls was all that persuaded his +mother to live, what with Shelley having gone to the bad and made a name +for himself like Bugs. But little Keats had fell for his brother, and +spent all the time he could with him listening to unpretty stories of +Germans that had been fixed up proper the way the good Lord meant 'em +to be. + +After he'd been home a couple weeks or more Shelley begun to notice +little Keats more closely. He looked so much like Shelley had at that age +and had the same set-on manner in the house that Shelley got suspicious +he was leading the same double life he had once led himself. + +He asked his mother when she was going to take Keats to a barber, and his +mother burst into tears in the old familiar way, so he said no more to +her. But that afternoon he took little Keats out for a stroll and closely +watched his manner toward some boys they passed. They went on downtown +and Shelley stepped into the Owl cigar store to get a Lord Byron. When he +come out little Keats was just finishing up a remark to another boy. It +had the familiar ring to Shelley and was piquant and engaging even after +three years in the trenches, where talk is some free. Keats still had the +angel face, but had learned surprisingly of old English words. + +Then Shelley says to him: "Say, kid, do you like your curls?" And little +Keats says very warmly and almost shedding tears: "They're simply hell!" + +"I knew it," says Shelley. "Have many fights?" + +"Not so many as I used to," says Keats. + +"I knew that, too," says Shelley. "Now, then, you come right along with +me." + +So he marches Keats and curls down to Henry Lehman's and says: "Give this +poor kid a close haircut." + +And Henry Lehman won't do it. He says that Mrs. Plunkett, the time of +the scandal about Shelley, had warned every barber in town that she would +have the law on 'em if they ever harmed a hair on the head of a child of +hers; and he was a law-abiding citizen. He didn't deny that the boy +needed a haircut the worst way in the world, but at his time of life he +wasn't going to become an outlaw. + +Keats had nearly broke down at this. But Shelley says: "All right; come +on over to the other place." + +So they go over to Katterson Lee, the coloured barber, and Katterson +tells 'em the same story. He admits the boy needs a haircut till it +amounts to an outrage, but he's had his plain warning from Shelley's ma, +and he ain't going to get mixed up with no lawsuit in a town where he's +known to one and all as being respectable. + +Shelley then threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't cut that hair +off quick, and Katterson was right afraid of the returned soldier, that +had fixed so many Germans right, but he was more afraid of the law, so +he got down on his knees to Shelley and begged for his life. + +Little Keats was now blubbering, thinking he wasn't going to be shut of +his disgrace after all, but Shelley says: "All right, kid; I'll stand by +you. I'll do it myself. Get into that chair!" + +Of course Katterson couldn't prevent that, so Keats got sunny again and +climbed into the chair, and Shelley grabbed a pair of shears and made a +sure-nuff boy of him. He got the curls off all right, but when it come to +trimming up he found he couldn't do a smooth job, and Katterson wasn't +there to give him any hints, having run from his shop at the beginning of +the crime so he would have a good alibi when hauled into court. So +Shelley finally took up a pair of clippers, and having learned to clip +mules he soon had little Keats' whole scalp laid bare. It must of been a +glorious sight. They both gloated over it a long time. + +Then Keats says: "Now you come with me and we'll show it to mamma!" But +Shelley says: "Not me! I have to draw the line somewhere. I shall be far +away from here to-night. I am not afraid of enemy soldiers, for I've been +up against them too often. But there are worse things than death, so +you'll have to face mamma alone. You can tell her I did it, but I will +not be there to hear you. So good-bye and God help you!" And Shelley +retired to a position less exposed. + +That was an awful day for the Plunkett home, because little Keats, being +left to his own resources, tried to use his brain. First he gathered up +the long shining curls and wrapped 'em in a newspaper. Then he went +out and found Artie Bartell, who is a kind of a harmless halfwit that +just walks the streets and will do anything whatever if told, being +anxious to please. Keats gives Artie a dime to take the curls up to his +dear mother and tell her that her little boy has been run over by a +freight engine down to the station and these here curls was all that +could be saved of him. + +Then he hurries home the back way and watches, and pretty soon he sees +some neighbours come rushing to the house when they hear his mother +scream, so then he knows everything is all right. He waits a minute or +two, then marches in with his hat off. His mother actually don't know him +at first, on account of his naked skull, but she soon sees it must be he, +little Keats, and then has hysterics because she thinks the freight +engine has clipped him this way. And of course there was more hysterics +when she learned the terrible truth of his brother's infamy. I guess +Shelley had been wise all right to keep off the place at that time, +soldier or no soldier. But that's neither here nor there. + +The point is that little Keats may now be saved to a life of usefulness +and not be hanged for murder, thanks to his brother's brave action. Of +course Bugs himself is set in his ways, and will adorn only positions of +a certain kind. He's fine here, for instance, just at this time when I +got to hire all kinds that need a firm hand--and Bugs has two. + +Sure, it was him took the job of foreman here yesterday. We had quite a +little talk about things when he come. He told me how he released his +little brother from shame. He said he wouldn't of done such a radical +thing except that peace is now coming on and the world will no longer +need such fighting devils as curls will make of a boy if let to stay +long enough. + +"Keats might have turned out even worse than I did," he says, "but +if there wasn't going to be any way where he could do it legally, what +was the use? He'd probably sometime have killed a boy that called him +Goldilocks, and then the law might have made it unpleasant for him. I +thought it was only fair to give him a chance to live peaceful. Of course +in my own case mamma acted for the best without knowing it. We needed +fighters, and I wouldn't have been anything at all like a fighter if she +hadn't made me wear those curls till my whiskers began to show above the +surface. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was a born coward, but those golden +strands took all that out of me. I had to fight. + +"And see what it did for me in the Army. I don't want to talk about +myself, but I made a good average fighter and I would have been there +to the last if I'd had my rights. And I simply owe it all to my dear +mother. You might say she made me the man I am. I wouldn't ever have been +tough if she'd cut my hair humanely from six years on. I certainly hope +Keats hasn't gone too long. One of us in a family is enough." + +That's the way Bugs talks, and it sounds right sensible. What I say now +is, the idee had ought to be took up by the War Department at Washington, +D. C. Let 'em pass a law that one boy out of, say, twenty-five has +got to wear curls till his voice changes. By that time, going round in +this here scenic investiture, as you might say, he will be a demon. In +peace times it may add to our crimes of violence, but look what it will +be when another war comes. We'll have the finest line of shock troops +the world has ever produced, fit and anxious to fight, having led an +embittered existence long enough to make it permanent. No line would +ever stand against a charge of them devils. They would be a great +national asset and might save the country while we was getting ready +to begin to prepare a couple months after war was declared on us. + +Still I don't suppose it will be took up, and I ain't got time to go down +and preach it to Congress personally. + +And now let me tell you one thing: I'm going to sleep to-night without a +care on my mind for the first time in a year. This here Bugs unites to +the distinction of his name a quick and handy nature, and my busiest +troubles are over. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MA PETTENGILL*** + + +******* This file should be named 14348.txt or 14348.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/3/4/14348 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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