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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14341-0.txt b/14341-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b139953 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1294 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14341 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +February 6, 1892. + + + + +[Illustration: "A GOOD STAYER." + +THE DEALER SAID, "THE MARE COULD STAY FOR EVER." SHE SEEMED INCLINED +TO DO SO WHEN JONES WISHED TO BE AFTER THE HOUNDS.] + + * * * * * + +RECEIPT AGAINST INFLUENZA. + +DEAR SIR,--I send you this gratis. It is for everybody's benefit, + +Yours. GEORGE GUZZLETON, X.M.D. + +P.S.--I give "_Coenæ prescriptionem_" only, as the "_Prescrip: +prandialis_" can be taken out of this with variations. + + Ostr: frigid: 1½ doz. + Pisc: anima: locus aut quid: ali: [=a][=a][=a] xvi [dram] + Cum: pom: terr: fervesc: f 8[dram] + Ad Hoc: bib: sextarium ½ mx. + Ovem: torrid: [ounce]ss. + virides: ad. lib. + Per: dix: anas: agrestis: } f[dram]ij. + Condim: pan: aut aliquid: } fvijss. + Prunosus: botulus: [=a][=a]f [dram]vj. + Condim: prand: aut lact: Devonii: f 3 j. + + Liq. Pomm: et Gr: '84 } + Aut Mo: et Chand: '84 } Oj 4 + +_Fiat haust: sec: vel test: quâque horâ: extra horâ coenæ: regulariter +sumendum._ + +_Si opus sit_: Misce: aq: sodæ .. [dram]1/14. + +_Misce: ot: grog: h.s.s. Si opus sit aut non._ + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GARDENING.--A Correspondent, signing himself "STULTUS IN +HORTU OR HORT-U-NOT?" writes, "Please, Sir, if my boy JOHN plant 'a +slip of a pen,' what will it come up?" _Answer paid_--A Jonquill. + + * * * * * + +TO THE QUEEN. + +(_FROM THE NATION._) + + Queenly as womanly, those words that start + From sorrow's lip strike home to sorrow's heart. + Madam, our griefs are one; + But yours, from kinship close and your high place, + The keener, mourning him in youth's glad grace + Who loved you as a son. + + We mourn him too. Our wreaths of votive flowers + Speak, mutely, for us. The deep gloom that lowers + To-day across the land + Is no mere pall of ceremonial grief. + 'Tis hard in truth, though reverent belief + Bows to the chastening hand. + + Hard--for his parents, that young bride, and you, + Bearer of much bereavement, woman true, + And patriotic QUEEN! + We hear the courage striking through the pain, + As always in your long, illustrious reign, + Which shrinking ne'er hath seen,-- + + Shrinking from high-strung duty, the brave way + Of an imperial spirit. So to-day + Your People bow--in pride. + The sympathy of millions is your own. + May Glory long be guardian of your Throne, + Love ever at its side! + + * * * * * + +ENTIRELY UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIAL.--_Dartmoor_.--Gentlemen,--Two years +ago I wrote somebody else's name with one of your pens. Since then I +have used no other. + +Yours faithfully, A.F. ORGER. "To Messrs. STEAL, KNIBBS & CO." + + * * * * * + +"LA GRIPPE." + +[Illustration] + + ("_I'm a devil! I'm a devil!" croaked Barnaby Rudge's Raven + 'Grip': And this is a raven-mad sort of Edgar-Allan-Poem by Un + qui est Grippé._) + + Once upon a midnight dreary + Coming home I felt so weary, + Felt, oh! many a pain; so curious, + Which I'd never felt before. + Then to bed,--no chance of napping, + Blankets, rugs about me wrapping, + Feverish burning pains galore. + "Oh! I've got it! oh!" I muttered, + "Influenza!! what a bore!!" + _Only_ this!!--Oh!!--Nothing more!! + + Oh! my head and legs are aching! + Now I'm freezing! Now I'm baking! + Clockwork in my cerebellum! + Oh! all over me I'm sore! + In my bed I'm writhing, tossing, + Yet I'm in a steamer, crossing. + While KIRALFY's Venice bossing, + I'm "against" and RUSSELL "for" + In a case about the _Echo_, + Somewhere out at Singapore! + It's delirium!!! Nothing more. + + Then a Doctor comes in tapping + Me all over, tapping, rapping. + And with ear so close and curious + Pressed to stethoscope, "Once more," + Says he, "sing out ninety-ninely, + Now again! You do it finely! + Yes! Not bigger than a wine lee, + There's the mischief, there's the _corps_ + Of the insect that will kill us, + Hiding there is the Bacillus; + Only _that_, and nothing more!" + + "Why's he here with fear to fill us? + Will he leave me, this Bacillus? + Not one bone do I feel whole in, + And of strength I've lost my store." + Thus I to the Doctor talking, + Ask "When shall I go out walking"? + He, my earnest queries baulking, + Says, "When all this trouble's o'er," + "Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday + Friday? Saturday? Sunday? or + In a week?" "Um!--not before." + + "Doctor!" cried I, "catch this evil + Fiend! Bacillus!! Microbe!! devil!! + Second syllable in Tem-pest! + Send him to Plutonian Shore. + Send him back to where he came from, + To the place he gets his fame from, + To the place he takes his name from; + Kick him out of my front door!" + So the Doctor feels my pulse, and, + As I drop upon the floor, + Quoth the Doctor, "Some days more." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT IN THE COLD!" + +"I AM LIKE A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW, WHO BEGINS TO GET STIFF WHILE +THE SNOWFLAKES COVER HIM." + +_Speech of Prince Von Bismarck at Friedrichsruhe._] + + * * * * * + +"OUT IN THE COLD!" + + ["I am like a traveller lost in the snow, who begins to get + stiff and to sink down while the snowflakes cover him. In + fact, I am gradually losing interest in politics, but the + feeling, like that of the traveller sinking under the snow, + is a pleasant one."--_Prince Bismarck to the Deputation of + Leipsic Students_.] + +AIR--"_Excelsior_!" + + The century was waning fast, + As through a wintry waste there passed + A man, who bore, 'mid snow and ice, + A banner with the strange device, + Excel no more! + + His brows were blanched; his eye beneath + Flashed like a falchion from its sheath; + Red fields had heard his armour clang. + But now he smiled and softly sang, + Excel no more! + + In barracks huge he saw the might + Of mailed hosts arrayed for fight; + Afar the fierce Frank bayonets shone, + And from his lips escaped a moan, + Excel no more! + + "Think of the Past!" the young men said, + "Like SAUL you towered by the head + Midst those three Titans, Prussia's pride!" + Softly that once stern voice replied, + "Excel no more!" + + "Oh, stay," the young men cried, "and mix + Once more in Teuton Politics!" + "Nay," said the Titan, "I grow old, + And, like poor TOM, I am a-cold! + Excel no more!" + + "Beware the snow-encumbered branch! + Beware the whelming avalanche!" + "Thanks!" he replied. "I know, I know. + But--well, I rather like the snow! + Excel no more!" + + "Lost in the snow! An easy death! + Gentle surcease of mortal breath! + I sink, I stiffen, I'm foredone! + The feeling though's a pleasant one; + Excel no more!" + + The traveller by his faithful hound + Half-buried in the snow was found, + Still muttering from a mouth of ice + That banner's late and strange device, + Excel no more! + + There in the snow-drift cold and grey, + Silent, but stalwart, still he lay, + Great "Blood-and-Iron," brave and bold, + But--for the nonce--"Out in the Cold!" + Excel no more? + + * * * * * + +PARLIAMENT IN SPORT; + +_OR, A MEETING IN EARNEST._ + + ["Perhaps the popularity of the competition in national sport + between the different parts of the Empire is worthy of the + serious attention of statesmen ... Mr. ASTLEY COOPER proposes + rowing, running and cricket ... There is something fascinating + in the idea of such a Pan-Britannic gathering."--_Daily + Paper_.] + +The SPEAKER, having taken his seat in the Pavilion, the Minister for +Cricket rose to move the third reading of The Six-balls-to-an-over +Bill. + +The Right Hon. Gentleman said that the amount of time wasted in +changing sides, although the field did their best to minimise the +loss by assuming a couple of positions alternately, was very +serious--especially in a first-class match. + +The Member for Melbourne begged to ask what _was_ a first-class match? + +The Member for Sydney replied, certainly not a match between Canada +and Victoria. (_Laughter.)_ Now everyone was aware that New South +Wales--("_Question! Order! Order!")_ He begged pardon, he was in +order. + +The SPEAKER. I really must request silence. The Minister for Cricket +is introducing a most important measure, and the least we can do is to +receive his statement with adequate attention. (_General cheering_.) + +The Minister for Cricket continued, and said that the measure he had +the honour to commend to their careful consideration would not only +lengthen the over, but also allow Cricket to be played all the year +round. + +The Minister for Football begged to remind his Right Hon. friend +that he had promised to consider that matter in Committee. What would +become of Football were Cricket to be played continuously? ("_Hear, +hear_!") + +The Member for Bombay thought that a matter of no moment. In India +Polo was of infinitely more importance than Football, and he could +not help remarking that, in the Imperial Parliament, representing so +many sports, and so many Colonies, where every great interest was +represented, and well represented, Polo was absolutely ignored. +(_Cheers.)_ + +The Minister for Aquatic Sports agreed with the Hon. Member. Polo was +entirely of sufficient interest to warrant the creation of a special +department for its guardianship. But at present he was responsible for +it. He hoped soon to be able to welcome a colleague who would make its +interests his continual study. (_"Hear, hear!"_) + +The Minister for Cricket concluded by thanking the House for the +attention the Hon. Members had given to the subject, and sat down +amidst loud applause. + +A division being taken, the Bill was carried by 127 to 96. The +majority were composed of Australians and Canadians, and the minority +were Africans, Indians, and miscellaneous Colonists. The House then +adjourned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS. + +_Elderly Dowager_. "Now, PERKINS, I REQUIRE YOUR HONEST OPINION. DON'T +YOU THINK THIS DRESS SUITS ME?" + +_Perkins (who has been cautioned always to speak the truth, on pain of +losing her place, warily_). "OH YES, MY LADY, IT SUITS YOUR LADYSHIP +QUITE--AS ONE MAY SAY--QUITE 'DOWN TO THE GROUND!'"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXV. + + SCENE--_Near Torcello. CULCHARD and PODBURY are seated + side by side in the gondola, which is threading its way + between low banks, bright with clumps of Michaelmas daisies + and pomegranate-trees laden with red fruit. Both CULCHARD + and PODBURY are secretly nervous and anxious for + encouragement._ + +_Podbury_ (_humming "In Old Madrid" with sentiment_). +La-doodle-um-La-doodle-oo: La-doodle-um-te-dumpty-loodle-oo! I think +she rather seemed to like me--those first days at Brussels, don't +_you_? + +_Culchard_ (_absently_). Did she? I daresay. (_Whistling "The +Wedding March" softly_.) Few-fee; di-fee-fee-few-few; +few-fiddledy-fee-fiddledy-few-few-few-fee. I fancy I'm right in my +theory, eh? + +_Podb._ Oh, I should say so--yes. _What_ theory? + +_Culch._ (_annoyed_). What theory? Why, the one I've been explaining +to you for the last ten minutes!--that all this harshness of hers +lately is really, when you come to analyse it, a decidedly encouraging +symptom. + +_Podb._ But I shouldn't nave said Miss TROTTER was exactly _harsh_ to +me--lately, at all events. + +_Culch._ (_with impatience_). Miss TROTTER! You! What an egotist you +are, my dear fellow! I was referring to myself and Miss PRENDERGAST. +And you can't deny that, both at Nuremberg and Constance, she-- + +_Podb._ (_with careless optimism_). Oh, _she_'ll come round all right, +never fear. I only wish I was half as safe with Miss TROTTER! + +_Culch._ (_mollified_). Don't be too downhearted, my dear PODBURY. I +happen to know that she likes you--she told me as much last night. Did +Miss PRENDERGAST--er--say anything to that effect about _me_? + +_Podb._ Well,--not exactly, old chap--not to me, at least. But I say, +Miss TROTTER didn't tell you _that_? Not _really_? Hooray! Then it's +all right--she may have me, after all! + +_Culch._ (_chillingly_). I should advise you not to be over confident. +(_A silence follows, which endures until they reach the landing-steps +at Torcello._) They _are_ here, you see--those are evidently their +gondolas, I recognise those two cloaks. Now the best thing _we_ can do +is to separate. + +_Podb._ (_springing out_). Right you are! (_To himself._) I'll draw +the church first, and see if she's there. (_Approaches the door of +Santa Maria: a Voice within, apparently reading aloud: "Six balls, or +rather almonds, of purple marble veined with white are set around the +edge of the pulpit, and form its only decoration"_) HYPATIA, by Jove! +Narrow shave that! [_He goes round to back._ + +_Culch._ (_comes up to the door_). I know I shall find her here. Lucky +I know that Torcello chapter in "The Stones" very nearly by heart! +(_Reaches threshold. A Voice within. "Well, I guess I'm going to climb +up and sit in that old amphitheatre there, and see how it feels!"_) +Good heavens,--_MAUD_! and I was as nearly as possible--I think I'll +go up to the top of the Campanile and see if I can't discover where +HYPATIA is. + + [_He ascends the tower._ + + _In the Belfry._ + +_Podb._ (_arriving breathless, and finding CULCHARD craning eagerly +forward_). Oh, so _you_ came up too? Well, can you _see_ her? + +_Culch._ Ssh! She's just turned the corner! (_Vexed._) She's with Miss +TROTTER!... They're sitting down on the grass below! + +_Podb._ Together? That's a nuisance! Now we shall have to wait till +they separate--sure to squabble, sooner or later. + +_Miss T.'s Voice_ (_which is perfectly audible above_). I guess we'll +give RUSKIN a rest now, HYPATIA. I'm dying for a talk. I'm just as +enchanted as I can be to hear you've dismissed Mr. PODBURY. And I +expect you can guess _why_. + +_Podb._ (_in a whisper_). I say, CULCHARD, they're going to talk about +us. Ought we to listen, eh? Better let them know we're here? + +_Culch._ I really don't see any necessity--however--(_Whistles +feebly._) Feedy-feedy-feedle! + +[Illustration: "Hypatia, by Jove!"] + +_Podb._ What is the use of fustling like that? (_Yödels._) Lul-li-ety! + +_Miss P.'s V._ Well, my dear MAUD, I confess that I-- + +_Culch._ It's quite impossible to make them hear down there, and it's +no fault of ours if their voices reach us occasionally. And it +_does_ seem to me, PODBURY, that, in a matter which may be of +vital importance to me--to us both--it would be absurd to be +over-scrupulous. But of course you will please yourself. _I_ intend to +remain where I am. + + [_PODBURY makes a faint-hearted attempt to go, but ends by + resigning himself to the situation._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ Now, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, don't tell _me_ you're not +interested in him! And he's more real suited to you than ever Mr. +PODBURY was. Now, isn't that _so_? + +_Culch._ (_withdrawing his head_). Did you hear, PODBURY? She's +actually pleading for me! _Isn't_ she an angel? Be quiet, now. I must +hear the answer! + +_Miss P.'s V._ I--I don't know, really. But, MAUD, I want to speak to +you about--Somebody. You can't think how he adores you, poor fellow! I +have noticed it for a long time. + +_Podb._ (_beaming_). CULCHARD! You heard? She's putting in a word for +me. What a brick that girl is! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I guess he's pretty good at concealing his feelings, +then. He's been keeping far enough away! + +_Miss P.'s V._ That was _my_ fault. I _kept_ him by me. You see, I +believed you had quite decided to accept Mr. CULCHARD. + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, it does strike me that, considering he was +adoring me all this time, he let himself be managed tolerable easy. + + [_PODBURY shakes his head in protestation._ + +_Miss P.'s V._ Ah, but let me explain. I could only keep him quiet +by threatening to go home by myself, and dear BOB is such a devoted +brother that-- + +_Podb._ Brother! I say. CULCHARD, she can't be meaning _BOB_ all this +time! She _can't_! Can she now? + +_Culch._ How on earth can _I_ tell? If it is so, you must be a +philosopher, my dear fellow, and bear it--that's all. + +_Miss P.'s V._ That _does_ alter the case, doesn't it? And I may tell +him there's some hope for him? You mustn't judge him by what he is +with his friend, Mr. PODBURY. BOB has such a _much_ stronger and finer +character! + +_Miss T.'s V._ Oh well, if he couldn't stand up more on his edge than +Mr. PODBURY! Not that I mind Mr. PODBURY any, there's no harm in him, +but he's too real frivolous to amount to much. + +_Podb._ (_collapsing_). Frivolous! From _her_ too! Oh, hang it _all_! + + [_He buries his head in his hands with a groan._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, see here, HYPATIA. I'll take your brother on +trial for a spell, to oblige you--there. I cann't say more at present. +And now--about the other. I want to know just how you feel about him. + +_Culch._ The _other_!--that's Me! I wish to goodness you wouldn't make +all that noise, PODBURY, just when it's getting interesting! + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_very low_). What is the good? Nothing will bring him +back--_now_! + +_Culch._ Nothing? How little she knows me! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I hope you don't consider _me_ nothing. And a word from +me would bring him along pretty smart. The only question is, whether +I'm to say it or not? + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_muffled_). Dar-ling! + +_Culch._ I really think I might almost venture to go down, now, eh, +PODBURY? (_No answer._) Selfish brute! [_Indignantly._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ But mind this--if he comes, you've got to care for him +the whole length of your boa--you won't persuade him to run in couples +with anybody else. That's why he broke away the first time--and you +were ever so mad with me because you thought I was at the bottom +of it. But it was all his pride. He's too real independent to share +chances with anybody alive. + +_Culch._ How thoroughly she understands me! + +_Miss T.'s V._ And I guess CHARLEY will grow out of the great Amurrcan +Novel in time--it's not going ever to grow out of _him_, anyway! + +_Culch._ (_bewildered_). CHARLEY? I don't see why she should mention +VAN BOODELER _now_! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I like CHARLEY ever so much, and I'm not going to have +him cavort around along with a circus of suitors under vows. So, if I +thought there was any chance of--well, say Mr. CULCHARD-- + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_indignant_). MAUD! how _can_ you? That odious +hypocritical creature! If you knew how I despised and--! + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, my dear, he's pretty paltry--but we'll let him go +at that--I guess his shares have gone down considerable all round. + +_Culch._ PODBURY, I--I--this conversation is evidently not intended +for--for other--ears. I don't know whether _you_ have heard enough, +_I_ shall go down! + +_Podb._ (_with a ghastly chuckle_). Like your shares, eh, old chap? +And mine too, for that matter. Well, _I'm_ ready enough to go. Only, +for goodness' sake, let's get away without being seen! + + [_They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, and out + to the steps, where they re-embark. As their gondola pushes + off, Mr. TROTTER and BOB PRENDERGAST appear from the + Museum._ + +_Mr. T._ Why, land sakes! ain't that Mr. PODBURY and Mr. CULCHARD? Hi! +You ain't ever going away? There's my darter and Miss HYPATIA around +somewhere.--They'll be dreadful disappointed to have missed you! + +_Podb._ (_with an heroic attempt at cheeriness_). We--we're awfully +disappointed to have missed _them_, Mr. TROTTER. Afraid we can't stop +now! Goodbye! + + [_CULCHARD pulls his hat-brim over his eyes and makes a sign + to the gondoliers to get on quickly; Mr. TROTTER comments + with audible astonishment on their departure to BOB, who + preserves a discreet silence._ + + * * * * * + +A PALMY DAY AT ST. RAPHAEL. + +_Villa Magali._--Delicious climate! STUART-RENDEL says it "reminds +him of Devonshire, without the damp." Mention of Devonshire reminds +_me_ of the DUKE. Try to point out to my friends that the Rossendale +Election shows conclusively--Curious! Friends all get up and go out! +Seems that ANDREW CLARKE specially told them I was to "avoid all +excitement, over-exertion, and talk about politics!" Wish CLARKE would +not be so unreasonable. _Must_ talk about Rossendale to somebody. + +_Off to Hyères_--to see CHILDERS. Find CHILDERS tolerably chatty. +Doesn't seem to care so much about Rossendale result as I should have +expected. STUART-RENDEL comes to fetch me. Ahem! Off. + +_At Monte Carlo._--Feel so well, have looked in here. Meet WELLS, the +"Champion Plunger." Asks me if I've got a system; he's "been losing +heavily, and would be glad of any hint." Suggest his putting on the +numbers of Rossendale Majority. WELLS seems pleased at idea. Does so +at once, and loses 10,000 francs straight off. Meet him in grounds +afterwards, and try to explain real significance of Rossendale +election. WELLS disappears. Curious! _Can_ ANDREW CLARKE have got at +WELLS? + +_Golfe San Juan._--French war-ships in Bay. Admiral might like to know +my views on Rossendale and politics generally. Taken on board. Admiral +much interested in MADEN's victory. Admiral asks if it was the "_Grand +Prix_" that MADEN won? Find he thinks MADEN is a horse. Disappointing. +[_Query_--ANDREW CLARKE again?] Sent on shore in boat, amid cheers +from sailors. Gratifying. + +_Back to St. Raphael._--Tired, but on the whole gratified with my day. +Friends pained to hear what I've done, and threaten to telegraph for +Sir ANDREW! Shall pack up and return. Letter from MORLEY begging me to +stay where I am. Odd! Can Sir ANDREW have got at JOHN MORLEY? Bed, and +think it over. + + * * * * * + +BROTHER BRUSH, A.R.A.--Stan' up, STANHOPE FORBES! and receive our +congratulations on your election. STAN-HOPE deferred maketh the +painter's 'art sick of waiting, and now A FORBES, not _The_ FORBES +(which his name is JAMES STAATS, C.L.C. & D.R., &c., &c.), but the +STANHOPE A-foresaid, has obtained his first grade. With what pleasure +will the Art-loving Chairman see his STANHOPE "on the line!" In +Burlington House, of course we mean, as elsewhere, the situation would +be one of no slight danger. + + * * * * * + +"PLEASED AS PUNCH."--A paragraph in the _D.T._ informed _Mr. P._ +and the public generally, that "Dr. ROBSON ROOSE and Mr. ALLINGHAM +are contented with Mr. EDWARD LAWSON's progress." "If Box"--"And +Cox"--"are satisfied," then of all Mr. E.L.'s friends in front none +will be more delighted to hear of his complete recovery than his +neighbour, _Mr. Punch_, of 85, Fleet Street. + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING NEW IN SOAP.--The Soap Trade is still booming. Almost every +week appears a fresh candidate for public favour, its claim based upon +some alluring speciality. We hear of a newcomer likely to take the +cake (of soap). On all the walls, and in most of the advertisement +columns, will presently blaze forth its proud legend:--"The +Satisfactory Soap--Won't Wash Anything." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS. + +IN ORDER TO HUSBAND OUR JUDICIAL STAFF, IN FUTURE A JUDGE WILL BE +EXPECTED TO HEAR TWO CASES AT THE SAME TIME. + +PORTRAIT OF A JUDGE TRYING A THEATRICAL "CAUSE CÉLÈBRE," AND A NICE +QUESTION AS TO A "REMAINDER-MAN" AND A "TENANT IN TAIL MALE."] + + * * * * * + +HIGH (BEERBOHM) TREESON! + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that Mr. BEERBOHM TREE in his recent production +of _Hamlet_ has introduced a novelty into the tragedy by inventing +fresh business. Unauthorised by the text, he has included _Ophelia_ +amongst the Court "attendants," and, finding her on the stage, has +indulged in a dignified flirtation (in dumb show), worthy of the hero +of _L'Enfant Prodigue_ himself. Now I think this a great improvement, +and were the masterpiece to be "written up" throughout on the same +lines, I am sure the representation would be received with enthusiasm. +It might be that the performance would be a little longer, but think +of the enormous gain in interest. To show you what I mean, I take the +first five lines of the opening Act:-- + +SHAKSPEARE'S VERSION. + + SCENE I.--_Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. FRANCISCO + on his post. Enter to him BERNARDO._ + + _Bernardo._ Who's there? + + _Francisco._ Nay answer me: stand and unfold yourself! + +This passage, furnished with proper business, might be rendered the +means of showing the sort of life led by _Laertes_, justifying the +advice subsequently given to him by _Polonius_ more appropriate to +the conditions of the case as now (for the first time) fully divulged, +Thus--I give my view of the matter:-- + +AMENDED VERSION. + + SCENE I.--_Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. As the + Curtain rises, shouts and laughs are heard without. A Village + Maiden rushes in, as if pursued. She hides herself behind the + sentry-box, and then escapes. FRANCISCO, who is on his post, + looks about, and is surrounded by Danish Gallants, who have + come in pursuit of the Maiden. He threatens them with his + arms, and only one remains, who seems overcome by wine. The + intoxicated Gallant is masked, and evidently very much the + worse for liquor. He clumsily draws his sword. FRANCISCO + is about to despatch him, when the mask falls, and in the + dissipated reveller the Sentry recognises the bloated features + of LAERTES. He immediately presents arms, as LAERTES + is his superior officer. LAERTES, half-sobered by this + suggestion of discipline, wishes to retire unseen, and gives + largesse to FRANCISCO. The Sentry is greatly gratified, when + to them enters BERNARDO._ + + _Ber._ Who's there? + + _Fran._ (_sheltering LAERTES, who stealthily retires by + a rope-ladder which falls from the battlements to the moat + below_). Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself! + +By my version I really introduce a most interesting underplot, which, +in my opinion, is equally pleasing and quite as defensible as Mr. +BEERBOHM TREE's business with _Ophelia_. + +Yours, A STICKLER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMAN NATURE. + +_Jones has always professed the greatest Indifference to (and contempt +for) all Press Criticisms on his Work (although he takes in all the +Papers)._ + +YET THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE WHEN HIS NEW NOVEL WAS PRONOUNCED A +WORK OF GENIUS BY THE _UPPER TOOTING EXPRESS_. + +AND THIS IS HOW HE APPEARED WHEN THE _NORTH CLAPHAM GAZETTE_ DISMISSED +THAT IMMORTAL BOOK AS A PIECE OF DRIVELLING SENILE TWADDLE. + +AND THIS IS THE WAY HE TREATS ALL NEWSPAPERS, REVIEWS, PERIODICALS, +&C., &C., THAT LEAVE THE IMMORTAL BOOK UNNOTICED!] + + * * * * * + +THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL." + +_A LAY OF MODERN LONDON._ + + [Arrangements have been made for great political meetings + in the Metropolis, at which the Liberal Leaders will be the + principal speakers.] + + HARCURTIUS of the triple chin, by the Nine Points he swore + The Capital should suffer from Tory sway no more; + By the Nine Points he swore it, and named a trysting day, + And bade his messengers ride forth east and west, and south and north, + To summon his array. + + East and west, and south and north the messengers ride fast; + From Kennington to Poplar they've heard the trumpet's blast. + Shame on the false Caucusian who loiters in his Club + When triple-chin'd HARCURTIUS prepares the foe to drub! + Too long the Capital hath borne the stubborn Tory yoke, + Too long the Liberals have failed to strike a swashing stroke. + Betrayed to Tory clutches by traitors shrewd and strong, + The banded foes have held it all too firmly and too long. + SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS have struck unholy pact, + Foes long in dubious seeming, but ever friends, in fact, + Devonian CAVENDUS, he of the broad and bovine jowl, + Who smiled but coldly ever, now on our cause doth scowl. + Cock-nosed CUBICULARIUS, once a Captain of our host, + Now chums with bland BALFOURIUS, and makes that bond his boast. + Oh, was there ever such a gang, so motley and so mixed, + To garrison a Citadel on which all hopes are fixed? + Oh, was there ever such a call to strike one mighty blow, + To snatch the Capital once more, and lay the traitors low? + + HARCURTIUS hurries onward, he waves the Grand Old Flag, + And when that banner flouts the breeze, what slave so base as lag? + GLADSTONIUS at his elbow,--not he the Old, the Grand,-- + He shuns the fogs of winter in a far-off sunny land, + Nursing his force for the great fray that may right soon come on,-- + This is not he of Hawarden, but the old hero's son: + There's OTTO, of the brindled beard, RUSSELLIUS swift of tongue, + RIPONIUS and LEFEVRIUS into the fray have flung. + Sleek-haired STANSFELDUS also, MUNDELLA of the Beak. + That CORVUS of the legion, good both to fight and speak, + LEO PLAYFAIRIUS follows, and brave BANNERMANUS bears + The flag he's fond of flaunting, there gallant AUCEPS dares + All that becomes a hero, whilst last, but oh, not least! + KIMBERLEYUS fares forth to the fight as others to a feast. + "Now, up!" cried stout HARCURTIUS, "Up! and we yet shall trap 'em! + Kennington calls, and Hackney, with Fulham, too, and Clapham. + I hear the cry of Chelsea, Islington North and West + Raise wails that find an echo in this mail-covered breast. + Bermondsey and Whitechapel upraise a piteous plaint: + ('Wy don't our 'eroes wisit _hus_? We looks and there they ain't!') + North Lambeth long neglected, and Wandsworth far South-West, + (If I know where these places be I wish I may be blest!) + Appeal to us for succour: then Peckham, gallant Peckham, + Makes a far cry from her famed Rye. O brethren, shall we check 'em, + These brave suburban stalwarts whose home is in the waste + Afar from Pall Mall portals, swell Clubs, and homes of taste, + But who have Votes, my brethren? Nay, shout ye men of pith, + And strike for pining Poplar and hapless Hammersmith!" + "Quite so!" cries 'cute MUNDELLA, the corvine chief and conky, + "But he who maketh too much noise may show himself a donkey. + The Capital seems quiet, Sir, the garrison is still, + Suppose we try that old Gaul game!" HARCURTIUS cries, "I will!" + Then silently and slowly, and all in single file, + They climb towards the Citadel. HARCURTIUS, with a smile, + Hath his head o'er the ramparts, when--Great CÆSAR, what is this? + They're greeted with one loud, prolonged, and universal _hiss_! + The sudden sibilation out of silence startles all, + HARCURTIUS clangs his buckler, OTTO nearly hath a fall, + "Great gods, the Geese are on us, those confounded Sacred Geese, + See their long necks, twig their broad beaks! Cease, senile + cacklers, cease!" + + So gaspeth great HARCURTIUS, but gaspeth all in vain. + The gaff is blown, the anserine guard gives tongue with might and main. + A stir, a tramp of mailèd feet, a torch-flare! Whillaloo! + "Say, is this MARCUS MANLIUS? No, hang it, there be two, + SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS, with a host, no doubt, behind, + They're on their guard, whate'er may chance, we shall not 'catch + 'em blind' + Like gudgeon. No! there's not a chance of a surprise by night; + If the Gauls take the Citadel, ye gods, they'll have to _fight_!" + How history repeats itself! At least we must agree, + The Geese have roused the Capital? And _saved_ it? We shall see! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO ARTLESS! + +SCENE--_A Cinderella Dance._ + +_Swell_ (_to ingenuous Maiden_). "ARE YOU ENGAGED?" + +_Ingenuous Maiden._ "NO--BUT--I SHOULD SO LIKE TO BE!" + +[_And, as the old game has it, the consequences were ----!_] + + * * * * * + +"COME HITHER, HUBERT!" + +We are able to present our readers with a few notes of a lecture to +be given by Professor HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A. (by the kind permission +of AUTHOR PINERO, Esq.), to all managers, actors, actresses, +scene-painters, authors, composers, musicians, costumiers, and +wig-makers who will honour him with their attention. On this occasion +the Professor will (among other things) explain, by the aid of a Magic +Lantern (an entirely new invention recently discovered by Professor +H.H.) how to enlighten the stage darkness generally. The Professor +will also combat the erroneous impression derived from the dark ages +of SHAKSPEARE's time, that the Moon, or the Man in it,--probably a +lime-lighterman,--ought servilely to follow the movements, in order to +throw light upon them, of the Principal Performer. The Professor will +observe--"Such a course, on the part of the Direction of the Moon, +can only be considered beneficial to Art, when it is directed against +'The Star System.' As each theatrical Star has its own particular +brilliancy, why lug in the Moon? SHAKSPEARE, no doubt, had the Stage +Moon in full view when he makes _Juliet_ roundly exclaim, 'Oh, swear +not by the Moon, the inconstant Moon!' as, of course, a Moon bound +to illuminate the business of any one actor must follow him about, +and so, though 'constant' to _him_ individually, would be open to a +general charge of inconstancy from the spectators in front. Such a +course for the Moon to take is, as some of the better instructed among +you may possibly be aware, quite unwarranted by the lunar laws of +Nature, &c., &c." + +This interesting entertainment will wind up with a dialogue between +_Arthur_ (JONES) and _Hubert_ (HERKOMER), of which we give an extract. +It represents _Arthur_ as wishing to produce a piece, which _Hubert_ +forewarns him will be a failure unless he (HUBERT) paints the scenery +and manages it generally. + + _Arthur._ Is there no remedy? + + _Hubert._ None, but to use _my_ eyes. + + _Arthur._ O HUBERT! If you will, cut down my 'lengths.' + And I'll be merry as the day is long, + So you don't interfere. You've other irons + Hot in the fire. + + _Hubert_ (_aside_). With his innocent prate + He will awake my mercy which lies dead. + (_Aloud._) Read this, young ARTHUR! + + [_Gives him a Manuscript._ + + _Arthur_ (_opens it. Starts_). What! a play by YOU! + To be produced by _me_! O HUBERT!! [_Faints._ + +We regret that want of space prevents our giving any more of this +charming work at present, but no doubt it will not be long ere the +Public has the gratification of hearing and seeing it all. + + * * * * * + +A PARAGON FRAME (OF MIND). + + ["I never took anybody's umbrella."--_Plaintiff (a Cook) in a + recent Breach of Promise Case._] + + Common are Cooks, professed, plain alike + And common, youths their sustenance who feed on, + Common (I'm told) a breach of promise suit, + And common, damages, in courts agreed on; + Common are briefs as blackberries; and fees + Are common quite as "leather and prunella"; + Common are "unprotected" witnesses + ("_Credat_"--as HORACE somewhere sings--"_Apella_!") + But most uncommon seems a lowly Cook + Who with sincerity can kiss the book + And swear (to shame her betters!) ne'er she took + By sad "mistake or otherwise," by hook; + Or, as will eventuate, by crook, + Be it silk or gingham--any one's umbrella! + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM ON CURRENT POLITICS.--"Politics," says Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, "is +one of the few things I know nothing about. But it does seem to me +that Lord GRANDOLPH CHURCHILL is a white elephant tied round the neck +of Lord SALISBURY." + + * * * * * + +"HEAVENS!"--Recently in the _Athenæum_, and copied elsewhere, appeared +the most interesting intelligence that has been received on earth for +some time. "The small planet No. 315"--no further address is given, an +omission which will, no doubt, be rectified in the next issue--"which +was discovered at Nice by M. CHARLOIS on the 4th September, +1891,"--the small planet, of course, not being out of the nurse's +arms, was not responsible for being at Nice at an unfashionable time, +but this, of course, is the fault of her parents and guardians--"has +been named Constantia." Rather late to delay the christening for +nearly five months. Of course, the brilliant infant will not stay at +Nice, except by medical advice, but will probably return to No. 315, +Milky Way (or elsewhere), on the first opportunity. _Sic itur ad +astra_! + + * * * * * + +"A STUDENT OF HISTORY" writes to us:--"Sir--I have been reading a +great deal lately on ecclesiastical subjects, and shall be very much +obliged if you will explain to me briefly what 'Inclosed Orders' +are." [If "A STUDENT" will send us, under cover to our office, two +P.O. Orders for two pounds ten shillings each respectively, further +explanation than that conveyed by our receipt for the same will be +unnecessary.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +A RIDDLE. + + I'm underneath your feet + In the streets of London Town, + From town take "t," + Then give it to me, + And you'll sell me for a crown. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. AND THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC.--Our excellent friend is now +convalescent. "Like CÆSAR or CÆSAR's wife, I forget which it was," +she says, "I have passed the Barbican!" Some one having suggested that +probably she meant "the Rubicon," Mrs. R. thanked him politely, but +added, that she perfectly well knew what she was talking about, and +that everyone who was acquainted with history would understand her +classical delusion. + + * * * * * + +PUZZLER FOR A COSTUMIER.--A Gentleman going to a Fancy Dress Ball +wants to know how he can make up for Lost Time? + + * * * * * + +NAMES for the next pair of Tailed Monkeys sent to the Zoo--"Mr. and +Mrs. CAUDAL." + + * * * * * + +N.B.--"Confessions of a Duffer," No. IV., next week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ +TO STICK TO HIS LAST. + +_Fair Matron._ "I REMEMBER YOUR ACTING '_SIR ANTHONY,' YEARS_ AGO, +WHEN I WAS A GIRL, SIR CHARLES! YOU DID IT SPLENDIDLY!" + +_The Great Mathematician._ "AH, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, THAT BIT OF +ACTING BROUGHT ME MORE COMPLIMENTS THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID?" + +_Fair Matron._ "I SHOULD _THINK_, SO INDEED!"] + + * * * * * + +TRUE AND TRUSTY. + +(_A STORY OF THE LAW._) + +I always liked LAWRENCE LUCKAPENNY, and shall never forget the first +time I met him. He was leaving the County Court, where I had had +myself a small matter of business, and knowing the same Counsel, we +foregathered. He was in great spirits. He had just won his case. + +"Yes," said he, "it was a hard fight, but we came off all right. His +Honour was distinctly in our favour, so now I and my co-trustees will +have the satisfaction of feeling that the estate has benefited, with +no greater loss than a few months' delay. Eh?" and he turned to our +Counsel, who smiled, and shook his head a little doubtfully. + +"Can scarcely go so far as that," the man of law observed. "You see, +these matters take time, and the other side may appeal." + +"Appeal! What is that?" + +"I am afraid you will have the full opportunity for learning, my dear +fellow." + +"Well, it's all right up to now," cried LUCKAPENNY, cheerfully, and we +separated. + +Two or three years after this I again met the litigant, but this time +in the Royal Courts of Justice. There were streaks of white in his +hair, but he was still cheerful. + +I asked him how he was getting on with the matter, and he replied, +"As well as might be expected." Our Counsel had been right, for the +liquidators had appealed. + +"But we have beaten them again, my dear Sir! Think of that,--beaten +them again!" + +"And now you will have no further difficulty, I suppose." + +"I can't go quite so far as that," returned LUCKAPENNY, who I noticed +was adopting legal phraseology. "You know they may take us up to the +House of Lords, if they please!" + +And again time went on. In the course of years I found that poor +LUCKAPENNY _had_ been taken to Westminster, and their Lordships had +decided to give themselves time to consider their judgment. + +When I met LUCKAPENNY again, the House of Lords had decided against +him. + +"It is very awkward," he observed, "they will not allow my costs, and +so I shall have to pay them out of my own pocket! And what makes it +the more annoying is that, even had we won our cause, it would +have led to nothing, as the estate we were fighting is practically +bankrupt." + +I offered my condolences, and we separated. + +The last time, I saw poor LUCKAPENNY, he looked a very shadow of +himself. He was haggard and thin, and was wearing clothes of an +ancient cut and threadbare material. He smiled as he met me, and +observed that he was still engaged on the trust matter. + +"But I have come to the last stage," he said; "I have paid the costs +in full. And now I am going home." + +"Going home," I repeated, and noticing that he seemed feeble, offered +him the support of my arm. "I will walk as far as your residence." + +"You are very good," he replied, "but I am afraid that I cannot ask +you to come in." + +"Never mind that; but where do you live?" + +"Where should I live after a lawsuit?" he returned, with a short +laugh. "Why, in the Workhouse, to be sure--in the Workhouse!" + +And as a ratepayer, I have assisted to support him ever since! + + * * * * * + +A MENU FROM BIRMINGHAM. + +POTAGES. + +Duchesse. Consommé de Déluge à l'Après Moi. + +POISSONS. + +Hors d'Eau à l'Appât convenable. Crevettes à l'Envie. + +ENTRÉES. + +Petits Programmes à la Robe de Joseph. Filets de Vis, Sauce Monopole. +Pattes de Matou aux Griffes. + +RÔTS. + +Moi Même. Dinde Fidèle de Jessé. + +LÉGUMES. + +Orchis en Boutonnière. Hartijo Sauce Soumission. + +RELEVÉS. + +Monocle. Salmi de Paires Filants aux Lis. + +ENTREMETS. + +Gâteau Rossendale. Conserves d'Église Galloise. Boudin de Labouchère à +la Lanterne. + +DESSERT. + +Bonbons de Famille. Hameçons de Flatterie. Oublis. + + * * * * * + +IN STATU,--QUO? + +Should CROMWELL have a statue at Westminster was a burning question +some years ago. We all know the result, and nowadays, who cares? +At present, the question at Oxford is, Shall Cardinal NEWMAN have a +statue? and, if so, Shall it be just opposite the Martyrs' Memorial? +From one point of view, the situation is happily selected, as, of +course, NEWMAN was on just exactly opposite ground to CRANMER, RIDLEY, +and LATIMER. The Oxford Dons are right in supposing that no statue +can be erected without a previous design; a design by a hand that has +not lost its cunning. The proposed site is in Broad Street, a very +suggestive name as opposed to narrowness of any sort; yet so eager +are the illogical Dons in the matter of preservation of spaces, that +before even the base of a clay model has been commenced, they have +already prepared the ground for the reception of the statue by getting +up any amount of railing about the proposed site! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WAKING-UP" FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION.] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. X.--TO CROOKEDNESS. + +OBLIQUE, BUT FORMIDABLE ONE, + +You have frequently fixed your abode in high places. Are there +not recorded in history the names of kings and statesmen whom an +irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and overreach, has brought +to the block? The times were difficult--that much one may admit. Noble +heads of honourable and upright men were lopped in profusion; and it +may be argued, with some show of reason, that the man whose character +was as flawless as pure crystal, was like to fare as badly as the +muddiest rascal of them all, if his side sank in defeat. And yet +I cannot help believing that, in some cases at least, a man might +have had a happier end if he had abstained from acts of political +turpitude, which were as irrational in their conception as they +were ruinous in their effect; acts, that is, which, in the existing +circumstances, no sane man could have undertaken unless the mere doing +of these rogueries had been a supreme and a necessary pleasure to him. +There was poor CHARLES THE FIRST. Surely, in spite of that melancholy, +doomed face, he might have died in peace if he had only played the +game fairly. JAMES THE SECOND, too, and MARLBOROUGH, the greatest +Captain of his age, and BOLINGBROKE, the eloquent philosophiser, the +grave moralist, how different might their ends have been had not you, +O CROOKEDNESS, presided at their births, and ruled their lives. But, +avaunt, History! Here I am straying into a treatise, when I merely +intended to remind you of little PETER SHEEF, and of his adventures. + +[Illustration] + +PETER and I were freshmen together at Cambridge in the remote past +before "Johnnies," and "Chappies," and "Mashers" had been heard of, +before the "oof bird" had been fledged in its pink and sporting nest, +or the Egyptian cigarette had asserted its universal sway. I daresay +we differed but little (by "we" I mean the freshmen of our year) from +those who have lately appeared for the first time in King's Parade, or +Jesus Lane. We were very young--we imagined Proctors to be destitute +of human feeling; we ate portentous breakfasts of many courses, and, +for the most part, treated our allowances as though they had been so +much pocket-money. Also we had an idea that a man who had passed his +thirtieth year was absurdly old, and that nobody could be called a +boy whose name had been entered on the books of a College. In fact, +we were freshmen. + +PETER and I were a good deal thrown together during our first term. +Like me, he had come up from one of the smaller schools, and we had +not, therefore, a very large number of friends to start with. PETER +was one of the pleasantest fellows in the world, always cheerful, +good-tempered, and obliging. He always seemed to have plenty of money. +Indeed, I know that his father made him an allowance of £800 a year, +a sum which was considerably more than double that received by the +majority of his fellows. The parental SHEEF I have since discovered +was a Solicitor, who had made his mark and his fortune by the crafty +defence of shady financiers in distress, of bogus company promoters, +and generally of the great race who live in the narrow border-land +which divides the merely disreputable from the positively indictable. +But at that time I didn't trouble my head to inquire about PETER's +father, and was content as most Undergraduates are, to take my friends +as I thought I found them. PETER was musical; he played several +instruments with skill, and sang a capital song. With all these +qualities, he soon became, to a certain extent, popular. He then set +up as a giver of good and expensive dinners, kept a couple of horses +in the hunting season, devoted great attention to his dress, and made +himself unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our miniature +world. In his second year he had gained a position; most people spoke +well of him, and liked him. It only rested with PETER himself to +maintain what he had gained, and to enter on life with troops of +friends. A few moments of purposeless folly were sufficient to shatter +him. + +I remember that in my first term I was not very agreeably impressed +by something that PETER did. A dog-fancier happened to come through +the street in which we both lodged, and PETER began to bargain with +him for a fox-terrier, who, according to the fancier's account, had +a pedigree as long and as illustrious as that of a Norman Peer. +Eventually it had been agreed that the dog was to become PETER's +property in consideration of thirty shillings in cash, a pair of +trousers, and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made, and the man +departed. Thereupon PETER informed me with glee, that the trousers +were a pair of his father's, which had been packed in his portmanteau +by mistake, and that the brandy-bottle contained about fifty per cent. +of water, that amount of brandy having been poured off before payment +was made. As PETER put it, "I've done him in the eye, to prevent him +doing me." I tried in vain to bring him round to the opinion that (let +alone robbing one's father) cheating a cheat was one of the lowest +forms of roguery. The dog-fancier soon afterwards returned, and +protested, with tears in his eyes, that the shabby trick had wounded +him in his tenderest feelings, but he seemed quite willing to begin a +fresh bargain with "the only gen'lemen, s'help me, as ever bested pore +little ALEC." + +All this is, however, by the way. I merely mention it to illustrate +PETER's character. At the University Steeple-Chase Meeting, which +took place at the end of our third October term, SHEEF had entered +his animals for several races. He was a good rider, and confidently +anticipated success. To celebrate the occasion, he had arranged a big +dinner-party, and had invited some twenty of us to dine with him. I +had been unable to go to the races myself, but at the appointed hour +I turned up at SHEEF's rooms. I found the table brilliantly laid, +waiters hanging about, and dozens of Champagne in readiness. SHEEF +was there, but, beside myself, no other guest had appeared. And not a +single one came. I forget what excuse the miserable host made, but the +result was that we two solemnly dined at a table laid for ten times +our number. I think I shall remember that ghastly festivity as long as +I live. The next day all Cambridge knew that SHEEF had not only pulled +one of his horses openly and disgracefully, but had wilfully misled +both his friends and the book-makers as to the horse he intended to +ride in a race for which entries were made at the post. I never heard +that he stood to win more than £50 by the transaction. And for this +paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man of his means) he had wrecked his +reputation, and all the possibilities of his career. + +I see him slinking about London sometimes. Last year he passed, +with much discredit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He has been a +Director of countless Companies, for the stock of fools seems to be +inexhaustible. There can only be one end for such a man as SHEEF. The +cool, callous, and calculating knave may get clear through to the end; +but SHEEF always was stupidly good-natured, and good-nature hangs like +a millstone round the neck of rascality. I cannot myself detest him as +I ought to do. He was so near to completely successful respectability. +But crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better wishes. Was it +altogether his own fault? + +That, as Mr. BRET HARTE observes, lets me out. + +I remain as before, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +A DANGEROUS TITLE. + +(_TO MR. JOSEPH HATTON, AUTHOR OF "CIGARETTE PAPERS."_) + + Cigarette Papers, JOSEPH, when properly stuffed, + Are meant, I suppose, to be zealously puffed. + When we take them in hand, a consuming desire + Attacks us to set the gay trifles on fire. + Yet, the brand being good (here's the point of my joke), + They are always enjoyed ere they vanish in smoke. + + * * * * * + +FROM AN X.J.P. TO LORD CHIEF JUSTICE PUNCH.--Sir,--Why complain of +"the Licence of the Bar?" Of course it goes with, and is a part of, +every Licence to a Public-house granted by the Middlesex Magistrates. +I've retired some years myself, am a bit deaf, and don't read much; +but I heard just enough to warrant me in writing to you at once on +what appears to me so simple a matter. + +ROBERT SHALLOW, X.J.P., M.M. + +_At the Sign of the Pig and Pippin._ + + * * * * * + +TO THE FUTURE A.R.A.--Better luck next time, Mr. SWAN. Be satisfied +that, though at present unelected, you are Swan, R.A., i.e., _Rara +Avis_. As you can plume yourself on this, so "_in hoc Cygno, +vinces!_" Which we caninecally and not canonically for the nonce +nonce-sensically render, "In this (matter), to the Swan (we say) you +will (go in and) win!" + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, February 6, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14341 *** diff --git a/14341-h/14341-h.htm b/14341-h/14341-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4576177 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/14341-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2063 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 6, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14341 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 6, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/61-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-1.png" + alt="'A GOOD STAYER.'" /></a> + + <h3>"A GOOD STAYER."</h3>THE DEALER SAID, "THE MARE COULD + STAY FOR EVER." SHE SEEMED INCLINED TO DO SO WHEN JONES + WISHED TO BE AFTER THE HOUNDS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RECEIPT AGAINST INFLUENZA.</h2> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—I send you this gratis. It is for + everybody's benefit,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours.<br /> + GEORGE GUZZLETON, X.M.D.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I give "<i>Coenæ prescriptionem</i>" only, as the + "<i>Prescrip: prandialis</i>" can be taken out of this with + variations.</p> + + <table summary="prescription" + align="center"> + <tr> + <td align="left">Ostr: frigid:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">1½ doz.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Pisc: anima: locus aut quid: ali:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">āāā xvi ʒ</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Cum: pom: terr: fervesc:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">f 8ʒ</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Ad Hoc: bib: sextarium</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">½ mx.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Ovem: torrid: virides: ad. lib.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">℥ss.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Per: dix: anas: agrestis:</td> + + <td rowspan="2"><font size="+5">}</font></td> + + <td align="right">fʒij.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Condim: pan: aut aliquid:</td> + + <td align="right">fvijss.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Prunosus: botulus:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">āāf ʒvj.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Condim: prand: aut lact: Devonii:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">f 3 j.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Liq. Pomm: et Gr: '84</td> + + <td rowspan="2"><font size="+5">}</font></td> + + <td align="right" + rowspan="2">Oj 4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aut Mo: et Chand: '84</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p><i>Fiat haust: sec: vel test: quâque horâ: extra horâ coenæ: + regulariter sumendum.</i></p> + + <p><i>Si opus sit</i>: Misce: aq: sodæ .. ʒ1/14.</p> + + <p><i>Misce: ot: grog: h.s.s. Si opus sit aut non.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>LITERARY GARDENING.—A Correspondent, signing himself + "STULTUS IN HORTU OR HORT-U-NOT?" writes, "Please, Sir, if my + boy JOHN plant 'a slip of a pen,' what will it come up?" + <i>Answer paid</i>—A Jonquill.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE QUEEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>From the Nation.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Queenly as womanly, those words that start</p> + + <p>From sorrow's lip strike home to sorrow's heart.</p> + + <p class="i2">Madam, our griefs are one;</p> + + <p>But yours, from kinship close and your high + place,</p> + + <p>The keener, mourning him in youth's glad grace</p> + + <p class="i2">Who loved you as a son.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We mourn him too. Our wreaths of votive flowers</p> + + <p>Speak, mutely, for us. The deep gloom that + lowers</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day across the land</p> + + <p>Is no mere pall of ceremonial grief.</p> + + <p>'Tis hard in truth, though reverent belief</p> + + <p class="i2">Bows to the chastening hand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hard—for his parents, that young bride, and + you,</p> + + <p>Bearer of much bereavement, woman true,</p> + + <p class="i2">And patriotic QUEEN!</p> + + <p>We hear the courage striking through the pain,</p> + + <p>As always in your long, illustrious reign,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which shrinking ne'er hath + seen,—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shrinking from high-strung duty, the brave way</p> + + <p>Of an imperial spirit. So to-day</p> + + <p class="i2">Your People bow—in pride.</p> + + <p>The sympathy of millions is your own.</p> + + <p>May Glory long be guardian of your Throne,</p> + + <p class="i2">Love ever at its side!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ENTIRELY UNSOLICITED + TESTIMONIAL.—<i>Dartmoor</i>.—Gentlemen,—Two + years ago I wrote somebody else's name with one of your pens. + Since then I have used no other.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours faithfully, A.F. ORGER.<br /> + "To Messrs. STEAL, KNIBBS & CO."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"LA GRIPPE."</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/61-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>("<i>I'm a devil! I'm a devil!" croaked Barnaby Rudge's + Raven 'Grip': And this is a raven-mad sort of + Edgar-Allan-Poem by Un qui est Grippé.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once upon a midnight dreary</p> + + <p>Coming home I felt so weary,</p> + + <p>Felt, oh! many a pain; so curious,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which I'd never felt before.</p> + + <p>Then to bed,—no chance of napping,</p> + + <p>Blankets, rugs about me wrapping,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feverish burning pains galore.</p> + + <p>"Oh! I've got it! oh!" I muttered,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Influenza!! what a bore!!"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Only</i> + this!!—Oh!!—Nothing more!!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! my head and legs are aching!</p> + + <p>Now I'm freezing! Now I'm baking!</p> + + <p>Clockwork in my cerebellum!</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh! all over me I'm sore!</p> + + <p>In my bed I'm writhing, tossing,</p> + + <p>Yet I'm in a steamer, crossing.</p> + + <p>While KIRALFY's Venice bossing,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm "against" and RUSSELL "for"</p> + + <p>In a case about the <i>Echo</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Somewhere out at Singapore!</p> + + <p class="i2">It's delirium!!! Nothing more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then a Doctor comes in tapping</p> + + <p>Me all over, tapping, rapping.</p> + + <p>And with ear so close and curious</p> + + <p class="i2">Pressed to stethoscope, "Once more,"</p> + + <p>Says he, "sing out ninety-ninely,</p> + + <p>Now again! You do it finely!</p> + + <p>Yes! Not bigger than a wine lee,</p> + + <p class="i2">There's the mischief, there's the + <i>corps</i></p> + + <p>Of the insect that will kill us,</p> + + <p>Hiding there is the Bacillus;</p> + + <p class="i2">Only <i>that</i>, and nothing more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Why's he here with fear to fill us?</p> + + <p>Will he leave me, this Bacillus?</p> + + <p>Not one bone do I feel whole in,</p> + + <p class="i2">And of strength I've lost my store."</p> + + <p>Thus I to the Doctor talking,</p> + + <p>Ask "When shall I go out walking"?</p> + + <p>He, my earnest queries baulking,</p> + + <p class="i2">Says, "When all this trouble's o'er,"</p> + + <p>"Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday</p> + + <p class="i2">Friday? Saturday? Sunday? or</p> + + <p class="i2">In a week?" "Um!—not before."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Doctor!" cried I, "catch this evil</p> + + <p>Fiend! Bacillus!! Microbe!! devil!!</p> + + <p>Second syllable in Tem-pest!</p> + + <p class="i2">Send him to Plutonian Shore.</p> + + <p>Send him back to where he came from,</p> + + <p>To the place he gets his fame from,</p> + + <p>To the place he takes his name from;</p> + + <p class="i2">Kick him out of my front door!"</p> + + <p>So the Doctor feels my pulse, and,</p> + + <p class="i2">As I drop upon the floor,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quoth the Doctor, "Some days more."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/62.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62.png" + alt="'OUT IN THE COLD!'" /></a> + + <h3>"OUT IN THE COLD!"</h3> + + <p>"I AM LIKE A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW, WHO BEGINS TO + GET STIFF WHILE THE SNOWFLAKES COVER HIM."</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Speech of Prince Von Bismarck at + Friedrichsruhe.</i>]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <h2>"OUT IN THE COLD!"</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I am like a traveller lost in the snow, who begins to + get stiff and to sink down while the snowflakes cover him. + In fact, I am gradually losing interest in politics, but + the feeling, like that of the traveller sinking under the + snow, is a pleasant one."—<i>Prince Bismarck to the + Deputation of Leipsic Students</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>Excelsior</i>!" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The century was waning fast,</p> + + <p>As through a wintry waste there passed</p> + + <p>A man, who bore, 'mid snow and ice,</p> + + <p>A banner with the strange device,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His brows were blanched; his eye beneath</p> + + <p>Flashed like a falchion from its sheath;</p> + + <p>Red fields had heard his armour clang.</p> + + <p>But now he smiled and softly sang,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In barracks huge he saw the might</p> + + <p>Of mailed hosts arrayed for fight;</p> + + <p>Afar the fierce Frank bayonets shone,</p> + + <p>And from his lips escaped a moan,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Think of the Past!" the young men said,</p> + + <p>"Like SAUL you towered by the head</p> + + <p>Midst those three Titans, Prussia's pride!"</p> + + <p>Softly that once stern voice replied,</p> + + <p class="i10">"Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, stay," the young men cried, "and mix</p> + + <p>Once more in Teuton Politics!"</p> + + <p>"Nay," said the Titan, "I grow old,</p> + + <p>And, like poor TOM, I am a-cold!</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Beware the snow-encumbered branch!</p> + + <p>Beware the whelming avalanche!"</p> + + <p>"Thanks!" he replied. "I know, I know.</p> + + <p>But—well, I rather like the snow!</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Lost in the snow! An easy death!</p> + + <p>Gentle surcease of mortal breath!</p> + + <p>I sink, I stiffen, I'm foredone!</p> + + <p>The feeling though's a pleasant one;</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The traveller by his faithful hound</p> + + <p>Half-buried in the snow was found,</p> + + <p>Still muttering from a mouth of ice</p> + + <p>That banner's late and strange device,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There in the snow-drift cold and grey,</p> + + <p>Silent, but stalwart, still he lay,</p> + + <p>Great "Blood-and-Iron," brave and bold,</p> + + <p>But—for the nonce—"Out in the Cold!"</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARLIAMENT IN SPORT;</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, A Meeting in Earnest.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Perhaps the popularity of the competition in national + sport between the different parts of the Empire is worthy + of the serious attention of statesmen ... Mr. ASTLEY COOPER + proposes rowing, running and cricket ... There is something + fascinating in the idea of such a Pan-Britannic + gathering."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The SPEAKER, having taken his seat in the Pavilion, the + Minister for Cricket rose to move the third reading of The + Six-balls-to-an-over Bill.</p> + + <p>The Right Hon. Gentleman said that the amount of time wasted + in changing sides, although the field did their best to + minimise the loss by assuming a couple of positions + alternately, was very serious—especially in a first-class + match.</p> + + <p>The Member for Melbourne begged to ask what <i>was</i> a + first-class match?</p> + + <p>The Member for Sydney replied, certainly not a match between + Canada and Victoria. (<i>Laughter.)</i> Now everyone was aware + that New South Wales—("<i>Question! Order! Order!")</i> + He begged pardon, he was in order.</p> + + <p>The SPEAKER. I really must request silence. The Minister for + Cricket is introducing a most important measure, and the least + we can do is to receive his statement with adequate attention. + (<i>General cheering</i>.)</p> + + <p>The Minister for Cricket continued, and said that the + measure he had the honour to commend to their careful + consideration would not only lengthen the over, but also allow + Cricket to be played all the year round.</p> + + <p>The Minister for Football begged to remind his Right Hon. + friend that he had promised to consider that matter in + Committee. What would become of Football were Cricket to be + played continuously? ("<i>Hear, hear</i>!")</p> + + <p>The Member for Bombay thought that a matter of no moment. In + India Polo was of infinitely more importance than Football, and + he could not help remarking that, in the Imperial Parliament, + representing so many sports, and so many Colonies, where every + great interest was represented, and well represented, Polo was + absolutely ignored. (<i>Cheers.)</i></p> + + <p>The Minister for Aquatic Sports agreed with the Hon. Member. + Polo was entirely of sufficient interest to warrant the + creation of a special department for its guardianship. But at + present he was responsible for it. He hoped soon to be able to + welcome a colleague who would make its interests his continual + study. ("<i>Hear, hear!</i>")</p> + + <p>The Minister for Cricket concluded by thanking the House for + the attention the Hon. Members had given to the subject, and + sat down amidst loud applause.</p> + + <p>A division being taken, the Bill was carried by 127 to 96. + The majority were composed of Australians and Canadians, and + the minority were Africans, Indians, and miscellaneous + Colonists. The House then adjourned.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63.png" + alt="TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS." /></a> + + <h3>TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Elderly Dowager</i>. "Now, PERKINS, I REQUIRE YOUR + HONEST OPINION. DON'T YOU THINK THIS DRESS SUITS ME?"</p> + + <p><i>Perkins (who has been cautioned always to speak the + truth, on pain of losing her place, warily</i>). "OH YES, + MY LADY, IT SUITS YOUR LADYSHIP QUITE—AS ONE MAY + SAY—QUITE 'DOWN TO THE GROUND!'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XXV.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Near Torcello</i>. CULCHARD <i>and</i> + PODBURY <i>are seated side by side in the gondola, which is + threading its way between low banks, bright with clumps of + Michaelmas daisies and pomegranate-trees laden with red + fruit. Both</i> CULCHARD <i>and</i> PODBURY <i>are secretly + nervous and anxious for encouragement.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>humming "In Old Madrid" with + sentiment</i>). La-doodle-um-La-doodle-oo: + La-doodle-um-te-dumpty-loodle-oo! I think she rather seemed to + like me—those first days at Brussels, don't + <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>absently</i>). Did she? I daresay. + (<i>Whistling "The Wedding March" softly</i>.) Few-fee; + di-fee-fee-few-few; few-fiddledy-fee-fiddledy-few-few-few-fee. + I fancy I'm right in my theory, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, I should say so—yes. <i>What</i> + theory?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). What theory? Why, the one + I've been explaining to you for the last ten + minutes!—that all this harshness of hers lately is + really, when you come to analyse it, a decidedly encouraging + symptom.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> But I shouldn't nave said Miss TROTTER was + exactly <i>harsh</i> to me—lately, at all events.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with impatience</i>). Miss TROTTER! You! + What an egotist you are, my dear fellow! I was referring to + myself and Miss PRENDERGAST. And you can't deny that, both at + Nuremberg and Constance, she—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with careless optimism</i>). Oh, + <i>she</i>'ll come round all right, never fear. I only wish I + was half as safe with Miss TROTTER!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>mollified</i>). Don't be too downhearted, + my dear PODBURY. I happen to know that she likes you—she + told me as much last night. Did Miss + PRENDERGAST—er—say anything to that effect about + <i>me</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Well,—not exactly, old chap—not to + me, at least. But I say, Miss TROTTER didn't tell you + <i>that</i>? Not <i>really</i>? Hooray! Then it's all + right—she may have me, after all!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>chillingly</i>). I should advise you not + to be over confident. (<i>A silence follows, which endures + until they reach the landing-steps at Torcello.</i>) They + <i>are</i> here, you see—those are evidently their + gondolas, I recognise those two cloaks. Now the best thing + <i>we</i> can do is to separate.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>springing out</i>). Right you are! (<i>To + himself.</i>) I'll draw the church first, and see if she's + there. (<i>Approaches the door of Santa Maria: a Voice within, + apparently reading aloud: "Six balls, or rather almonds, of + purple marble veined with white are set around the edge of the + pulpit, and form its only decoration"</i>) HYPATIA, by Jove! + Narrow shave that! [<i>He goes round to back.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>comes up to the door</i>). I know I shall + find her here. Lucky I know that Torcello chapter in "The + Stones" very nearly by heart! (<i>Reaches threshold. A Voice + within. "Well, I guess I'm going to climb up and sit in that + old amphitheatre there, and see how it feels!"</i>) Good + heavens,—<i>MAUD</i>! and I was as nearly as + possible—I think I'll go up to the top of the Campanile + and see if I can't discover where HYPATIA is.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He ascends the tower.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>In the Belfry.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>arriving breathless, and finding</i> + CULCHARD <i>craning eagerly forward</i>). Oh, so <i>you</i> + came up too? Well, can you <i>see</i> her?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Ssh! She's just turned the corner! + (<i>Vexed.</i>) She's with Miss TROTTER!... They're sitting + down on the grass below!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Together? That's a nuisance! Now we shall have + to wait till they separate—sure to squabble, sooner or + later.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s Voice</i> (<i>which is perfectly audible + above</i>). I guess we'll give RUSKIN a rest now, HYPATIA. I'm + dying for a talk. I'm just as enchanted as I can be to hear + you've dismissed Mr. PODBURY. And I expect you can guess + <i>why</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>in a whisper</i>). I say, CULCHARD, they're + going to talk about us. Ought we to listen, eh? Better let them + know we're here?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I really don't see any + necessity—however—(<i>Whistles feebly.</i>) + Feedy-feedy-feedle!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="'Hypatia, by Jove!'" /></a>"Hypatia, by Jove!" + </div> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> What is the use of fustling like that? + (<i>Yödels.</i>) Lul-li-ety!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> Well, my dear MAUD, I confess that + I—</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> It's quite impossible to make them hear down + there, and it's no fault of ours if their voices reach us + occasionally. And it <i>does</i> seem to me, PODBURY, that, in + a matter which may be of vital importance to me—to us + both—it would be absurd to be over-scrupulous. But of + course you will please yourself. <i>I</i> intend to remain + where I am.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[PODBURY <i>makes a faint-hearted attempt to go, but + ends by resigning himself to the situation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Now, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, don't tell + <i>me</i> you're not interested in him! And he's more real + suited to you than ever Mr. PODBURY was. Now, isn't that + <i>so</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>withdrawing his head</i>). Did you hear, + PODBURY? She's actually pleading for me! <i>Isn't</i> she an + angel? Be quiet, now. I must hear the answer!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> I—I don't know, really. But, MAUD, + I want to speak to you about—Somebody. You can't think + how he adores you, poor fellow! I have noticed it for a long + time.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>beaming</i>). CULCHARD! You heard? She's + putting in a word for me. What a brick that girl is!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> I guess he's pretty good at concealing + his feelings, then. He's been keeping far enough away!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> That was <i>my</i> fault. I <i>kept</i> + him by me. You see, I believed you had quite decided to accept + Mr. CULCHARD.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Well, it does strike me that, + considering he was adoring me all this time, he let himself be + managed tolerable easy.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[PODBURY <i>shakes his head in protestation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> Ah, but let me explain. I could only + keep him quiet by threatening to go home by myself, and dear + BOB is such a devoted brother that—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Brother! I say. CULCHARD, she can't be meaning + <i>BOB</i> all this time! She <i>can't</i>! Can she now?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> How on earth can <i>I</i> tell? If it is so, + you must be a philosopher, my dear fellow, and bear + it—that's all.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> That <i>does</i> alter the case, doesn't + it? And I may tell him there's some hope for him? You mustn't + judge him by what he is with his friend, Mr. PODBURY. BOB has + such a <i>much</i> stronger and finer character!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Oh well, if he couldn't stand up more on + his edge than Mr. PODBURY! Not that I mind Mr. PODBURY any, + there's no harm in him, but he's too real frivolous to amount + to much.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>collapsing</i>). Frivolous! From <i>her</i> + too! Oh, hang it <i>all</i>!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He buries his head in his hands with a + groan.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Well, see here, HYPATIA. I'll take your + brother on trial for a spell, to oblige you—there. I + cann't say more at present. And now—about the other. I + want to know just how you feel about him.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> The <i>other</i>!—that's Me! I wish to + goodness you wouldn't make all that noise, PODBURY, just when + it's getting interesting!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> (<i>very low</i>). What is the good? + Nothing will bring him back—<i>now</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Nothing? How little she knows me!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> I hope you don't consider <i>me</i> + nothing. And a word from me would bring him along pretty smart. + The only question is, whether I'm to say it or not?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> (<i>muffled</i>). Dar-ling!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I really think I might almost venture to go + down, now, eh, PODBURY? (<i>No answer.</i>) Selfish brute! + [<i>Indignantly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> But mind this—if he comes, you've + got to care for him the whole length of your boa—you + won't persuade him to run in couples with anybody else. That's + why he broke away the first time—and you were ever so mad + with me because you thought I was at the bottom of it. But it + was all his pride. He's too real independent to share chances + with anybody alive.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> How thoroughly she understands me!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> And I guess CHARLEY will grow out of the + great Amurrcan Novel in time—it's not going ever to grow + out of <i>him</i>, anyway!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>bewildered</i>). CHARLEY? I don't see why + she should mention VAN BOODELER <i>now</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> I like CHARLEY ever so much, and I'm not + going to have him cavort around along with a circus of suitors + under <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> vows. So, if I thought there + was any chance of—well, say Mr. CULCHARD—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> (<i>indignant</i>). MAUD! how <i>can</i> + you? That odious hypocritical creature! If you knew how I + despised and—!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Well, my dear, he's pretty + paltry—but we'll let him go at that—I guess his + shares have gone down considerable all round.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> PODBURY, I—I—this conversation is + evidently not intended for—for other—ears. I don't + know whether <i>you</i> have heard enough, <i>I</i> shall go + down!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with a ghastly chuckle</i>). Like your + shares, eh, old chap? And mine too, for that matter. Well, + <i>I'm</i> ready enough to go. Only, for goodness' sake, let's + get away without being seen!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, + and out to the steps, where they re-embark. As their + gondola pushes off,</i> Mr. TROTTER <i>and</i> BOB + PRENDERGAST <i>appear from the Museum.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Why, land sakes! ain't that Mr. PODBURY and + Mr. CULCHARD? Hi! You ain't ever going away? There's my darter + and Miss HYPATIA around somewhere.—They'll be dreadful + disappointed to have missed you!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with an heroic attempt at cheeriness</i>). + We—we're awfully disappointed to have missed <i>them</i>, + Mr. TROTTER. Afraid we can't stop now! Goodbye!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>pulls his hat-brim over his eyes and makes + a sign to the gondoliers to get on quickly</i>; Mr. TROTTER + <i>comments with audible astonishment on their departure + to</i> BOB, <i>who preserves a discreet silence.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PALMY DAY AT ST. RAPHAEL.</h2> + + <p><i>Villa Magali.</i>—Delicious climate! STUART-RENDEL + says it "reminds him of Devonshire, without the damp." Mention + of Devonshire reminds <i>me</i> of the DUKE. Try to point out + to my friends that the Rossendale Election shows + conclusively—Curious! Friends all get up and go out! + Seems that ANDREW CLARKE specially told them I was to "avoid + all excitement, over-exertion, and talk about politics!" Wish + CLARKE would not be so unreasonable. <i>Must</i> talk about + Rossendale to somebody.</p> + + <p><i>Off to Hyères</i>—to see CHILDERS. Find CHILDERS + tolerably chatty. Doesn't seem to care so much about Rossendale + result as I should have expected. STUART-RENDEL comes to fetch + me. Ahem! Off.</p> + + <p><i>At Monte Carlo.</i>—Feel so well, have looked in + here. Meet WELLS, the "Champion Plunger." Asks me if I've got a + system; he's "been losing heavily, and would be glad of any + hint." Suggest his putting on the numbers of Rossendale + Majority. WELLS seems pleased at idea. Does so at once, and + loses 10,000 francs straight off. Meet him in grounds + afterwards, and try to explain real significance of Rossendale + election. WELLS disappears. Curious! <i>Can</i> ANDREW CLARKE + have got at WELLS?</p> + + <p><i>Golfe San Juan.</i>—French war-ships in Bay. + Admiral might like to know my views on Rossendale and politics + generally. Taken on board. Admiral much interested in MADEN's + victory. Admiral asks if it was the "<i>Grand Prix</i>" that + MADEN won? Find he thinks MADEN is a horse. Disappointing. + [<i>Query</i>—ANDREW CLARKE again?] Sent on shore in + boat, amid cheers from sailors. Gratifying.</p> + + <p><i>Back to St. Raphael.</i>—Tired, but on the whole + gratified with my day. Friends pained to hear what I've done, + and threaten to telegraph for Sir ANDREW! Shall pack up and + return. Letter from MORLEY begging me to stay where I am. Odd! + Can Sir ANDREW have got at JOHN MORLEY? Bed, and think it + over.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BROTHER BRUSH, A.R.A.—Stan' up, STANHOPE FORBES! and + receive our congratulations on your election. STAN-HOPE + deferred maketh the painter's 'art sick of waiting, and now A + FORBES, not <i>The</i> FORBES (which his name is JAMES STAATS, + C.L.C. & D.R., &c., &c.), but the STANHOPE + A-foresaid, has obtained his first grade. With what pleasure + will the Art-loving Chairman see his STANHOPE "on the line!" In + Burlington House, of course we mean, as elsewhere, the + situation would be one of no slight danger.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"PLEASED AS PUNCH."—A paragraph in the <i>D.T.</i> + informed <i>Mr. P.</i> and the public generally, that "Dr. + ROBSON ROOSE and Mr. ALLINGHAM are contented with Mr. EDWARD + LAWSON's progress." "If Box"—"And Cox"—"are + satisfied," then of all Mr. E.L.'s friends in front none will + be more delighted to hear of his complete recovery than his + neighbour, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, of 85, Fleet Street.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING NEW IN SOAP.—The Soap Trade is still + booming. Almost every week appears a fresh candidate for public + favour, its claim based upon some alluring speciality. We hear + of a newcomer likely to take the cake (of soap). On all the + walls, and in most of the advertisement columns, will presently + blaze forth its proud legend:—"The Satisfactory + Soap—Won't Wash Anything."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/65.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65.png" + alt="LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS." /></a> + + <h3>LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.</h3> + + <p>IN ORDER TO HUSBAND OUR JUDICIAL STAFF, IN FUTURE A + JUDGE WILL BE EXPECTED TO HEAR TWO CASES AT THE SAME + TIME.</p> + + <p>PORTRAIT OF A JUDGE TRYING A THEATRICAL "CAUSE CÉLÈBRE," + AND A NICE QUESTION AS TO A "REMAINDER-MAN" AND A "TENANT + IN TAIL MALE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HIGH (BEERBOHM) TREESON!</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I see that Mr. BEERBOHM TREE in his + recent production of <i>Hamlet</i> has introduced a novelty + into the tragedy by inventing fresh business. Unauthorised by + the text, he has included <i>Ophelia</i> amongst the Court + "attendants," and, finding her on the stage, has indulged in a + dignified flirtation (in dumb show), worthy of the hero of + <i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i> himself. Now I think this a great + improvement, and were the masterpiece to be "written up" + throughout on the same lines, I am sure the representation + would be received with enthusiasm. It might be that the + performance would be a little longer, but think of the enormous + gain in interest. To show you what I mean, I take the first + five lines of the opening Act:—</p> + + <h4>SHAKSPEARE'S VERSION.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE I.—<i>Elsinore. A Platform before the + Castle.</i> FRANCISCO <i>on his post. Enter to him</i> + BERNARDO.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Bernardo.</i> Who's there?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Francisco.</i> Nay answer me: stand and unfold + yourself!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This passage, furnished with proper business, might be + rendered the means of showing the sort of life led by + <i>Laertes</i>, justifying the advice subsequently given to him + by <i>Polonius</i> more appropriate to the conditions of the + case as now (for the first time) fully divulged, Thus—I + give my view of the matter:—</p> + + <h4>AMENDED VERSION.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE I.—<i>Elsinore. A Platform before the + Castle. As the Curtain rises, shouts and laughs are heard + without. A Village Maiden rushes in, as if pursued. She + hides herself behind the sentry-box, and then escapes.</i> + FRANCISCO, <i>who is on his post, looks about, and is + surrounded by Danish Gallants, who have come in pursuit of + the Maiden. He threatens them with his arms, and only one + remains, who seems overcome by wine. The intoxicated + Gallant is masked, and evidently very much the worse for + liquor. He clumsily draws his sword.</i> FRANCISCO <i>is + about to despatch him, when the mask falls, and in the + dissipated reveller the Sentry recognises the bloated + features of</i> LAERTES. <i>He immediately presents arms, + as</i> LAERTES <i>is his superior officer.</i> LAERTES, + <i>half-sobered by this suggestion of discipline, wishes to + retire unseen, and gives largesse to</i> FRANCISCO. <i>The + Sentry is greatly gratified, when to them enters</i> + BERNARDO.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Ber.</i> Who's there?</p> + + <p><i>Fran.</i> (<i>sheltering</i> LAERTES, <i>who stealthily + retires by a rope-ladder which falls from the battlements + to the moat below</i>). Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold + yourself!</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>By my version I really introduce a most interesting + underplot, which, in my opinion, is equally pleasing and quite + as defensible as Mr. BEERBOHM TREE's business with + <i>Ophelia</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + A STICKLER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>HUMAN NATURE.</h3><i>Jones has always professed the + greatest Indifference to (and contempt for) all Press + Criticisms on his Work (although he takes in all the + Papers).</i> <a href="images/66.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/66.png" + alt="HUMAN NATURE." /></a> + + <table summary="cartoon caption" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tr> + <td align="left">YET THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE + WHEN HIS NEW NOVEL WAS PRONOUNCED A WORK OF GENIUS + BY THE <i>UPPER TOOTING EXPRESS</i>.</td> + + <td> </td> + + <td align="left">AND THIS IS HOW HE APPEARED WHEN + THE <i>NORTH CLAPHAM GAZETTE</i> DISMISSED THAT + IMMORTAL BOOK AS A PIECE OF DRIVELLING SENILE + TWADDLE.</td> + + <td> </td> + + <td align="left">AND THIS IS THE WAY HE TREATS ALL + NEWSPAPERS, REVIEWS, PERIODICALS, &C., &C., + THAT LEAVE THE IMMORTAL BOOK UNNOTICED!</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL."</h2> + + <h3><i>A Lay of Modern London.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Arrangements have been made for great political + meetings in the Metropolis, at which the Liberal Leaders + will be the principal speakers.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HARCURTIUS of the triple chin, by the Nine Points he + swore</p> + + <p>The Capital should suffer from Tory sway no + more;</p> + + <p>By the Nine Points he swore it, and named a trysting + day,</p> + + <p>And bade his messengers ride forth east and west, + and south and north,</p> + + <p class="i10">To summon his array.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>East and west, and south and north the messengers + ride fast;</p> + + <p>From Kennington to Poplar they've heard the + trumpet's blast.</p> + + <p>Shame on the false Caucusian who loiters in his + Club</p> + + <p>When triple-chin'd HARCURTIUS prepares the foe to + drub!</p> + + <p>Too long the Capital hath borne the stubborn Tory + yoke,</p> + + <p>Too long the Liberals have failed to strike a + swashing stroke.</p> + + <p>Betrayed to Tory clutches by traitors shrewd and + strong,</p> + + <p>The banded foes have held it all too firmly and too + long.</p> + + <p>SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS have struck unholy + pact,</p> + + <p>Foes long in dubious seeming, but ever friends, in + fact,</p> + + <p>Devonian CAVENDUS, he of the broad and bovine + jowl,</p> + + <p>Who smiled but coldly ever, now on our cause doth + scowl.</p> + + <p>Cock-nosed CUBICULARIUS, once a Captain of our + host,</p> + + <p>Now chums with bland BALFOURIUS, and makes that bond + his boast.</p> + + <p>Oh, was there ever such a gang, so motley and so + mixed,</p> + + <p>To garrison a Citadel on which all hopes are + fixed?</p> + + <p>Oh, was there ever such a call to strike one mighty + blow,</p> + + <p>To snatch the Capital once more, and lay the + traitors low?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HARCURTIUS hurries onward, he waves the Grand Old + Flag,</p> + + <p>And when that banner flouts the breeze, what slave + so base as lag?</p> + + <p>GLADSTONIUS at his elbow,—not he the Old, the + Grand,—</p> + + <p>He shuns the fogs of winter in a far-off sunny + land,</p> + + <p>Nursing his force for the great fray that may right + soon come on,—</p> + + <p>This is not he of Hawarden, but the old hero's + son:</p> + + <p>There's OTTO, of the brindled beard, RUSSELLIUS + swift of tongue,</p> + + <p>RIPONIUS and LEFEVRIUS into the fray have flung.</p> + + <p>Sleek-haired STANSFELDUS also, MUNDELLA of the + Beak.</p> + + <p>That CORVUS of the legion, good both to fight and + speak,</p> + + <p>LEO PLAYFAIRIUS follows, and brave BANNERMANUS + bears</p> + + <p>The flag he's fond of flaunting, there gallant + AUCEPS dares</p> + + <p>All that becomes a hero, whilst last, but oh, not + least!</p> + + <p>KIMBERLEYUS fares forth to the fight as others to a + feast.</p> + + <p>"Now, up!" cried stout HARCURTIUS, "Up! and we yet + shall trap 'em!</p> + + <p>Kennington calls, and Hackney, with Fulham, too, and + Clapham.</p> + + <p>I hear the cry of Chelsea, Islington North and + West</p> + + <p>Raise wails that find an echo in this mail-covered + breast.</p> + + <p>Bermondsey and Whitechapel upraise a piteous + plaint:</p> + + <p>('Wy don't our 'eroes wisit <i>hus</i>? We looks and + there they ain't!')</p> + + <p>North Lambeth long neglected, and Wandsworth far + South-West,</p> + + <p>(If I know where these places be I wish I may be + blest!)</p> + + <p>Appeal to us for succour: then Peckham, gallant + Peckham,</p> + + <p>Makes a far cry from her famed Rye. O brethren, + shall we check 'em,</p> + + <p>These brave suburban stalwarts whose home is in the + waste</p> + + <p>Afar from Pall Mall portals, swell Clubs, and homes + of taste,</p> + + <p>But who have Votes, my brethren? Nay, shout ye men + of pith,</p> + + <p>And strike for pining Poplar and hapless + Hammersmith!"</p> + + <p>"Quite so!" cries 'cute MUNDELLA, the corvine chief + and conky,</p> + + <p>"But he who maketh too much noise may show himself a + donkey.</p> + + <p>The Capital seems quiet, Sir, the garrison is + still,</p> + + <p>Suppose we try that old Gaul game!" HARCURTIUS + cries, "I will!"</p> + + <p>Then silently and slowly, and all in single + file,</p> + + <p>They climb towards the Citadel. HARCURTIUS, with a + smile,</p> + + <p>Hath his head o'er the ramparts, when—Great + CÆSAR, what is this?</p> + + <p>They're greeted with one loud, prolonged, and + universal <i>hiss</i>!</p> + + <p>The sudden sibilation out of silence startles + all,</p> + + <p>HARCURTIUS clangs his buckler, OTTO nearly hath a + fall,</p> + + <p>"Great gods, the Geese are on us, those confounded + Sacred Geese,</p> + + <p>See their long necks, twig their broad beaks! Cease, + senile cacklers, cease!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So gaspeth great HARCURTIUS, but gaspeth all in + vain.</p> + + <p>The gaff is blown, the anserine guard gives tongue + with might and main.</p> + + <p>A stir, a tramp of mailèd feet, a torch-flare! + Whillaloo!</p> + + <p>"Say, is this MARCUS MANLIUS? No, hang it, there be + two,</p> + + <p>SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS, with a host, no doubt, + behind,</p> + + <p>They're on their guard, whate'er may chance, we + shall not 'catch 'em blind'</p> + + <p>Like gudgeon. No! there's not a chance of a surprise + by night;</p> + + <p>If the Gauls take the Citadel, ye gods, they'll have + to <i>fight</i>!"</p> + + <p>How history repeats itself! At least we must + agree,</p> + + <p>The Geese have roused the Capital? And <i>saved</i> + it? We shall see!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="THE ATTACK ON THE 'CAPITAL.'" /></a> + + <h3>THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="SO ARTLESS!" /></a> + + <h3>SO ARTLESS!</h3> + + <p>SCENE—<i>A Cinderella Dance.</i></p> + + <p><i>Swell</i> (<i>to ingenuous Maiden</i>). "ARE YOU + ENGAGED?"</p> + + <p><i>Ingenuous Maiden.</i> "NO—BUT—I SHOULD SO + LIKE TO BE!"</p>[<i>And, as the old game has it, the + consequences were ——!</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"COME HITHER, HUBERT!"</h2> + + <p>We are able to present our readers with a few notes of a + lecture to be given by Professor HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A. (by the + kind permission of AUTHOR PINERO, Esq.), to all managers, + actors, actresses, scene-painters, authors, composers, + musicians, costumiers, and wig-makers who will honour him with + their attention. On this occasion the Professor will (among + other things) explain, by the aid of a Magic Lantern (an + entirely new invention recently discovered by Professor H.H.) + how to enlighten the stage darkness generally. The Professor + will also combat the erroneous impression derived from the dark + ages of SHAKSPEARE's time, that the Moon, or the Man in + it,—probably a lime-lighterman,—ought servilely to + follow the movements, in order to throw light upon them, of the + Principal Performer. The Professor will observe—"Such a + course, on the part of the Direction of the Moon, can only be + considered beneficial to Art, when it is directed against 'The + Star System.' As each theatrical Star has its own particular + brilliancy, why lug in the Moon? SHAKSPEARE, no doubt, had the + Stage Moon in full view when he makes <i>Juliet</i> roundly + exclaim, 'Oh, swear not by the Moon, the inconstant Moon!' as, + of course, a Moon bound to illuminate the business of any one + actor must follow him about, and so, though 'constant' to + <i>him</i> individually, would be open to a general charge of + inconstancy from the spectators in front. Such a course for the + Moon to take is, as some of the better instructed among you may + possibly be aware, quite unwarranted by the lunar laws of + Nature, &c., &c."</p> + + <p>This interesting entertainment will wind up with a dialogue + between <i>Arthur</i> (JONES) and <i>Hubert</i> (HERKOMER), of + which we give an extract. It represents <i>Arthur</i> as + wishing to produce a piece, which <i>Hubert</i> forewarns him + will be a failure unless he (HUBERT) paints the scenery and + manages it generally.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Arthur.</i> Is there no remedy?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Hubert.</i> None, but to use <i>my</i> eyes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Arthur.</i> O HUBERT! If you will, cut down my + 'lengths.'</p> + + <p class="i2">And I'll be merry as the day is long,</p> + + <p class="i2">So you don't interfere. You've other irons</p> + + <p class="i2">Hot in the fire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Hubert</i> (<i>aside</i>). With his innocent + prate</p> + + <p class="i2">He will awake my mercy which lies dead.</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Aloud.</i>) Read this, young ARTHUR!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Gives him a Manuscript.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Arthur</i> (<i>opens it. Starts</i>). What! a + play by YOU!</p> + + <p class="i2">To be produced by <i>me</i>! O HUBERT!! + [<i>Faints.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>We regret that want of space prevents our giving any more of + this charming work at present, but no doubt it will not be long + ere the Public has the gratification of hearing and seeing it + all.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PARAGON FRAME (OF MIND).</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I never took anybody's umbrella."—<i>Plaintiff + (a Cook) in a recent Breach of Promise Case.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Common are Cooks, professed, plain alike</p> + + <p class="i2">And common, youths their sustenance who + feed on,</p> + + <p>Common (I'm told) a breach of promise suit,</p> + + <p class="i2">And common, damages, in courts agreed + on;</p> + + <p>Common are briefs as blackberries; and fees</p> + + <p class="i2">Are common quite as "leather and + prunella";</p> + + <p>Common are "unprotected" witnesses</p> + + <p>("<i>Credat</i>"—as HORACE somewhere + sings—"<i>Apella</i>!")</p> + + <p>But most uncommon seems a lowly Cook</p> + + <p>Who with sincerity can kiss the book</p> + + <p>And swear (to shame her betters!) ne'er she took</p> + + <p>By sad "mistake or otherwise," by hook;</p> + + <p>Or, as will eventuate, by crook,</p> + + <p class="i2">Be it silk or gingham—any one's + umbrella!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAM ON CURRENT POLITICS.—"Politics," says Mrs. + RAMSBOTHAM, "is one of the few things I know nothing about. But + it does seem to me that Lord GRANDOLPH CHURCHILL is a white + elephant tied round the neck of Lord SALISBURY."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"HEAVENS!"—Recently in the <i>Athenæum</i>, and copied + elsewhere, appeared the most interesting intelligence that has + been received on earth for some time. "The small planet No. + 315"—no further address is given, an omission which will, + no doubt, be rectified in the next issue—"which was + discovered at Nice by M. CHARLOIS on the 4th September, + 1891,"—the small planet, of course, not being out of the + nurse's arms, was not responsible for being at Nice at an + unfashionable time, but this, of course, is the fault of her + parents and guardians—"has been named Constantia." Rather + late to delay the christening for nearly five months. Of + course, the brilliant infant will not stay at Nice, except by + medical advice, but will probably return to No. 315, Milky Way + (or elsewhere), on the first opportunity. <i>Sic itur ad + astra</i>!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A STUDENT OF HISTORY" writes to us:—"Sir—I have + been reading a great deal lately on ecclesiastical subjects, + and shall be very much obliged if you will explain to me + briefly what 'Inclosed Orders' are." [If "A STUDENT" will send + us, under cover to our office, two P.O. Orders for two pounds + ten shillings each respectively, further explanation than that + conveyed by our receipt for the same will be + unnecessary.—ED.]</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A RIDDLE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm underneath your feet</p> + + <p>In the streets of London Town,</p> + + <p class="i2">From town take "t,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Then give it to me,</p> + + <p>And you'll sell me for a crown.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. R. AND THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC.—Our excellent + friend is now convalescent. "Like CÆSAR or CÆSAR's wife, I + forget which it was," she says, "I have passed the Barbican!" + Some one having suggested that probably she meant "the + Rubicon," Mrs. R. thanked him politely, but added, that she + perfectly well knew what she was talking about, and that + everyone who was acquainted with history would understand her + classical delusion.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PUZZLER FOR A COSTUMIER.—A Gentleman going to a Fancy + Dress Ball wants to know how he can make up for Lost Time?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NAMES for the next pair of Tailed Monkeys sent to the + Zoo—"Mr. and Mrs. CAUDAL."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>N.B.—"Confessions of a Duffer," No. IV., next + week.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/70.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70.png" + alt="<h3>SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER <i>NOT</i> TO STICK TO HIS LAST.</h3>" /> + </a> + + <h3>SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER + <i>NOT</i> TO STICK TO HIS LAST.</h3> + + <p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I REMEMBER YOUR ACTING '<i>SIR + ANTHONY,' YEARS</i> AGO, WHEN I WAS A GIRL, SIR CHARLES! + YOU DID IT SPLENDIDLY!"</p> + + <p><i>The Great Mathematician.</i> "AH, WOULD YOU BELIEVE + IT, THAT BIT OF ACTING BROUGHT ME MORE COMPLIMENTS THAN + ANYTHING I EVER DID?"</p> + + <p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I SHOULD <i>THINK</i> SO, + INDEED!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TRUE AND TRUSTY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of the Law.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I always liked LAWRENCE LUCKAPENNY, and shall never forget + the first time I met him. He was leaving the County Court, + where I had had myself a small matter of business, and knowing + the same Counsel, we foregathered. He was in great spirits. He + had just won his case.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said he, "it was a hard fight, but we came off all + right. His Honour was distinctly in our favour, so now I and my + co-trustees will have the satisfaction of feeling that the + estate has benefited, with no greater loss than a few months' + delay. Eh?" and he turned to our Counsel, who smiled, and shook + his head a little doubtfully.</p> + + <p>"Can scarcely go so far as that," the man of law observed. + "You see, these matters take time, and the other side may + appeal."</p> + + <p>"Appeal! What is that?"</p> + + <p>"I am afraid you will have the full opportunity for + learning, my dear fellow."</p> + + <p>"Well, it's all right up to now," cried LUCKAPENNY, + cheerfully, and we separated.</p> + + <p>Two or three years after this I again met the litigant, but + this time in the Royal Courts of Justice. There were streaks of + white in his hair, but he was still cheerful.</p> + + <p>I asked him how he was getting on with the matter, and he + replied, "As well as might be expected." Our Counsel had been + right, for the liquidators had appealed.</p> + + <p>"But we have beaten them again, my dear Sir! Think of + that,—beaten them again!"</p> + + <p>"And now you will have no further difficulty, I + suppose."</p> + + <p>"I can't go quite so far as that," returned LUCKAPENNY, who + I noticed was adopting legal phraseology. "You know they may + take us up to the House of Lords, if they please!"</p> + + <p>And again time went on. In the course of years I found that + poor LUCKAPENNY <i>had</i> been taken to Westminster, and their + Lordships had decided to give themselves time to consider their + judgment.</p> + + <p>When I met LUCKAPENNY again, the House of Lords had decided + against him.</p> + + <p>"It is very awkward," he observed, "they will not allow my + costs, and so I shall have to pay them out of my own pocket! + And what makes it the more annoying is that, even had we won + our cause, it would have led to nothing, as the estate we were + fighting is practically bankrupt."</p> + + <p>I offered my condolences, and we separated.</p> + + <p>The last time, I saw poor LUCKAPENNY, he looked a very + shadow of himself. He was haggard and thin, and was wearing + clothes of an ancient cut and threadbare material. He smiled as + he met me, and observed that he was still engaged on the trust + matter.</p> + + <p>"But I have come to the last stage," he said; "I have paid + the costs in full. And now I am going home."</p> + + <p>"Going home," I repeated, and noticing that he seemed + feeble, offered him the support of my arm. "I will walk as far + as your residence."</p> + + <p>"You are very good," he replied, "but I am afraid that I + cannot ask you to come in."</p> + + <p>"Never mind that; but where do you live?"</p> + + <p>"Where should I live after a lawsuit?" he returned, with a + short laugh. "Why, in the Workhouse, to be sure—in the + Workhouse!"</p> + + <p>And as a ratepayer, I have assisted to support him ever + since!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A MENU FROM BIRMINGHAM.</h2> + + <h4>POTAGES.</h4> + + <center> + Duchesse. + </center> + + <center> + Consommé de Déluge à l'Après Moi. + </center> + + <h4>POISSONS.</h4> + + <center> + Hors d'Eau à l'Appât convenable. + </center> + + <center> + Crevettes à l'Envie. + </center> + + <h4>ENTRÉES.</h4> + + <center> + Petits Programmes à la Robe de Joseph. + </center> + + <center> + Filets de Vis, Sauce Monopole. + </center> + + <center> + Pattes de Matou aux Griffes. + </center> + + <h4>RÔTS.</h4> + + <center> + Moi Même. + </center> + + <center> + Dinde Fidèle de Jessé. + </center> + + <h4>LÉGUMES.</h4> + + <center> + Orchis en Boutonnière. + </center> + + <center> + Hartijo Sauce Soumission. + </center> + + <h4>RELEVÉS.</h4> + + <center> + Monocle. + </center> + + <center> + Salmi de Paires Filants aux Lis. + </center> + + <h4>ENTREMETS.</h4> + + <center> + Gâteau Rossendale. + </center> + + <center> + Conserves d'Église Galloise. + </center> + + <center> + Boudin de Labouchère à la Lanterne. + </center> + + <h4>DESSERT.</h4> + + <center> + Bonbons de Famille. + </center> + + <center> + Hameçons de Flatterie. + </center> + + <center> + Oublis. + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN STATU,—QUO?</h2> + + <p>Should CROMWELL have a statue at Westminster was a burning + question some years ago. We all know the result, and nowadays, + who cares? At present, the question at Oxford is, Shall + Cardinal NEWMAN have a statue? and, if so, Shall it be just + opposite the Martyrs' Memorial? From one point of view, the + situation is happily selected, as, of course, NEWMAN was on + just exactly opposite ground to CRANMER, RIDLEY, and LATIMER. + The Oxford Dons are right in supposing that no statue can be + erected without a previous design; a design by a hand that has + not lost its cunning. The proposed site is in Broad Street, a + very suggestive name as opposed to narrowness of any sort; yet + so eager are the illogical Dons in the matter of preservation + of spaces, that before even the base of a clay model has been + commenced, they have already prepared the ground for the + reception of the statue by getting up any amount of railing + about the proposed site!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/71.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71.png" + alt="'WAKING-UP' FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION." /> + </a> + + <h3>"WAKING-UP" FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. X.—TO CROOKEDNESS.</h3> + + <p>OBLIQUE, BUT FORMIDABLE ONE,</p> + + <p>You have frequently fixed your abode in high places. Are + there not recorded in history the names of kings and statesmen + whom an irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and + overreach, has brought to the block? The times were + difficult—that much one may admit. Noble heads of + honourable and upright men were lopped in profusion; and it may + be argued, with some show of reason, that the man whose + character was as flawless as pure crystal, was like to fare as + badly as the muddiest rascal of them all, if his side sank in + defeat. And yet I cannot help believing that, in some cases at + least, a man might have had a happier end if he had abstained + from acts of political turpitude, which were as irrational in + their conception as they were ruinous in their effect; acts, + that is, which, in the existing circumstances, no sane man + could have undertaken unless the mere doing of these rogueries + had been a supreme and a necessary pleasure to him. There was + poor CHARLES THE FIRST. Surely, in spite of that melancholy, + doomed face, he might have died in peace if he had only played + the game fairly. JAMES THE SECOND, too, and MARLBOROUGH, the + greatest Captain of his age, and BOLINGBROKE, the eloquent + philosophiser, the grave moralist, how different might their + ends have been had not you, O CROOKEDNESS, presided at their + births, and ruled their lives. But, avaunt, History! Here I am + straying into a treatise, when I merely intended to remind you + of little PETER SHEEF, and of his adventures.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/72.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>PETER and I were freshmen together at Cambridge in the + remote past before "Johnnies," and "Chappies," and "Mashers" + had been heard of, before the "oof bird" had been fledged in + its pink and sporting nest, or the Egyptian cigarette had + asserted its universal sway. I daresay we differed but little + (by "we" I mean the freshmen of our year) from those who have + lately appeared for the first time in King's Parade, or Jesus + Lane. We were very young—we imagined Proctors to be + destitute of human feeling; we ate portentous breakfasts of + many courses, and, for the most part, treated our allowances as + though they had been so much pocket-money. Also we had an idea + that a man who had passed his thirtieth year was absurdly old, + and that nobody could be called a boy whose name had been + entered on the books of a College. In fact, we were + freshmen.</p> + + <p>PETER and I were a good deal thrown together during our + first term. Like me, he had come up from one of the smaller + schools, and we had not, therefore, a very large number of + friends to start with. PETER was one of the pleasantest fellows + in the world, always cheerful, good-tempered, and obliging. He + always seemed to have plenty of money. Indeed, I know that his + father made him an allowance of £800 a year, a sum which was + considerably more than double that received by the majority of + his fellows. The parental SHEEF I have since discovered was a + Solicitor, who had made his mark and his fortune by the crafty + defence of shady financiers in distress, of bogus company + promoters, and generally of the great race who live in the + narrow border-land which divides the merely disreputable from + the positively indictable. But at that time I didn't trouble my + head to inquire about PETER's father, and was content as most + Undergraduates are, to take my friends as I thought I found + them. PETER was musical; he played several instruments with + skill, and sang a capital song. With all these qualities, he + soon became, to a certain extent, popular. He then set up as a + giver of good and expensive dinners, kept a couple of horses in + the hunting season, devoted great attention to his dress, and + made himself unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our + miniature world. In his second year he had gained a position; + most people spoke well of him, and liked him. It only rested + with PETER himself to maintain what he had gained, and to enter + on life with troops of friends. A few moments of purposeless + folly were sufficient to shatter him.</p> + + <p>I remember that in my first term I was not very agreeably + impressed by something that PETER did. A dog-fancier happened + to come through the street in which we both lodged, and PETER + began to bargain with him for a fox-terrier, who, according to + the fancier's account, had a pedigree as long and as + illustrious as that of a Norman Peer. Eventually it had been + agreed that the dog was to become PETER's property in + consideration of thirty shillings in cash, a pair of trousers, + and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made, and the man + departed. Thereupon PETER informed me with glee, that the + trousers were a pair of his father's, which had been packed in + his portmanteau by mistake, and that the brandy-bottle + contained about fifty per cent. of water, that amount of brandy + having been poured off before payment was made. As PETER put + it, "I've done him in the eye, to prevent him doing me." I + tried in vain to bring him round to the opinion that (let alone + robbing one's father) cheating a cheat was one of the lowest + forms of roguery. The dog-fancier soon afterwards returned, and + protested, with tears in his eyes, that the shabby trick had + wounded him in his tenderest feelings, but he seemed quite + willing to begin a fresh bargain with "the only gen'lemen, + s'help me, as ever bested pore little ALEC."</p> + + <p>All this is, however, by the way. I merely mention it to + illustrate PETER's character. At the University Steeple-Chase + Meeting, which took place at the end of our third October term, + SHEEF had entered his animals for several races. He was a good + rider, and confidently anticipated success. To celebrate the + occasion, he had arranged a big dinner-party, and had invited + some twenty of us to dine with him. I had been unable to go to + the races myself, but at the appointed hour I turned up at + SHEEF's rooms. I found the table brilliantly laid, waiters + hanging about, and dozens of Champagne in readiness. SHEEF was + there, but, beside myself, no other guest had appeared. And not + a single one came. I forget what excuse the miserable host + made, but the result was that we two solemnly dined at a table + laid for ten times our number. I think I shall remember that + ghastly festivity as long as I live. The next day all Cambridge + knew that SHEEF had not only pulled one of his horses openly + and disgracefully, but had wilfully misled both his friends and + the book-makers as to the horse he intended to ride in a race + for which entries were made at the post. I never heard that he + stood to win more than £50 by the transaction. And for this + paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man of his means) he had + wrecked his reputation, and all the possibilities of his + career.</p> + + <p>I see him slinking about London sometimes. Last year he + passed, with much discredit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He + has been a Director of countless Companies, for the stock of + fools seems to be inexhaustible. There can only be one end for + such a man as SHEEF. The cool, callous, and calculating knave + may get clear through to the end; but SHEEF always was stupidly + good-natured, and good-nature hangs like a millstone round the + neck of rascality. I cannot myself detest him as I ought to do. + He was so near to completely successful respectability. But + crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better wishes. Was it + altogether his own fault?</p> + + <p>That, as Mr. BRET HARTE observes, lets me out.</p> + + <p class="author">I remain as before, DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Dangerous Title.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>To Mr. Joseph Hatton, Author of "Cigarette + Papers."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Cigarette Papers, JOSEPH, when properly stuffed,</p> + + <p>Are meant, I suppose, to be zealously puffed.</p> + + <p>When we take them in hand, a consuming desire</p> + + <p>Attacks us to set the gay trifles on fire.</p> + + <p>Yet, the brand being good (here's the point of my + joke),</p> + + <p>They are always enjoyed ere they vanish in + smoke.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM AN X.J.P. TO LORD CHIEF JUSTICE + PUNCH.—Sir,—Why complain of "the Licence of the + Bar?" Of course it goes with, and is a part of, every Licence + to a Public-house granted by the Middlesex Magistrates. I've + retired some years myself, am a bit deaf, and don't read much; + but I heard just enough to warrant me in writing to you at once + on what appears to me so simple a matter.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT SHALLOW, X.J.P., M.M.</p> + + <p><i>At the Sign of the Pig and Pippin.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>TO THE FUTURE A.R.A.—Better luck next time, Mr. SWAN. + Be satisfied that, though at present unelected, you are Swan, + R.A., <i>i.e.</i>, <i>Rara Avis</i>. As you can plume yourself + on this, so "<i>in hoc Cygno, vinces!</i>" Which we caninecally + and not canonically for the nonce nonce-sensically render, "In + this (matter), to the Swan (we say) you will (go in and) + win!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14341 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14341-h/images/61-1.png b/14341-h/images/61-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..066ce18 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/61-1.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/61-2.png b/14341-h/images/61-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..77d816e --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/61-2.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/62.png b/14341-h/images/62.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1902256 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/62.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/63.png b/14341-h/images/63.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1ca5ed --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/63.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/64.png b/14341-h/images/64.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c437f4f --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/64.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/65.png b/14341-h/images/65.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8b8bcc --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/65.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/66.png b/14341-h/images/66.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..914970e --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/66.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/67.png b/14341-h/images/67.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6275f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/67.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/69.png b/14341-h/images/69.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6d095f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/69.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/70.png b/14341-h/images/70.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce54ec4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/70.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/71.png b/14341-h/images/71.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe67935 --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/71.png diff --git a/14341-h/images/72.png b/14341-h/images/72.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..659d56b --- /dev/null +++ b/14341-h/images/72.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b85a85 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14341 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14341) diff --git a/old/14341-8.txt b/old/14341-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa0e253 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14341-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1683 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, +February 6, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, February 6, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 13, 2004 [EBook #14341] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +February 6, 1892. + + + + +[Illustration: "A GOOD STAYER." + +THE DEALER SAID, "THE MARE COULD STAY FOR EVER." SHE SEEMED INCLINED +TO DO SO WHEN JONES WISHED TO BE AFTER THE HOUNDS.] + + * * * * * + +RECEIPT AGAINST INFLUENZA. + +DEAR SIR,--I send you this gratis. It is for everybody's benefit, + +Yours. GEORGE GUZZLETON, X.M.D. + +P.S.--I give "_Coenæ prescriptionem_" only, as the "_Prescrip: +prandialis_" can be taken out of this with variations. + + Ostr: frigid: 1½ doz. + Pisc: anima: locus aut quid: ali: [=a][=a][=a] xvi [dram] + Cum: pom: terr: fervesc: f 8[dram] + Ad Hoc: bib: sextarium ½ mx. + Ovem: torrid: [ounce]ss. + virides: ad. lib. + Per: dix: anas: agrestis: } f[dram]ij. + Condim: pan: aut aliquid: } fvijss. + Prunosus: botulus: [=a][=a]f [dram]vj. + Condim: prand: aut lact: Devonii: f 3 j. + + Liq. Pomm: et Gr: '84 } + Aut Mo: et Chand: '84 } Oj 4 + +_Fiat haust: sec: vel test: quâque horâ: extra horâ coenæ: regulariter +sumendum._ + +_Si opus sit_: Misce: aq: sodæ .. [dram]1/14. + +_Misce: ot: grog: h.s.s. Si opus sit aut non._ + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GARDENING.--A Correspondent, signing himself "STULTUS IN +HORTU OR HORT-U-NOT?" writes, "Please, Sir, if my boy JOHN plant 'a +slip of a pen,' what will it come up?" _Answer paid_--A Jonquill. + + * * * * * + +TO THE QUEEN. + +(_FROM THE NATION._) + + Queenly as womanly, those words that start + From sorrow's lip strike home to sorrow's heart. + Madam, our griefs are one; + But yours, from kinship close and your high place, + The keener, mourning him in youth's glad grace + Who loved you as a son. + + We mourn him too. Our wreaths of votive flowers + Speak, mutely, for us. The deep gloom that lowers + To-day across the land + Is no mere pall of ceremonial grief. + 'Tis hard in truth, though reverent belief + Bows to the chastening hand. + + Hard--for his parents, that young bride, and you, + Bearer of much bereavement, woman true, + And patriotic QUEEN! + We hear the courage striking through the pain, + As always in your long, illustrious reign, + Which shrinking ne'er hath seen,-- + + Shrinking from high-strung duty, the brave way + Of an imperial spirit. So to-day + Your People bow--in pride. + The sympathy of millions is your own. + May Glory long be guardian of your Throne, + Love ever at its side! + + * * * * * + +ENTIRELY UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIAL.--_Dartmoor_.--Gentlemen,--Two years +ago I wrote somebody else's name with one of your pens. Since then I +have used no other. + +Yours faithfully, A.F. ORGER. "To Messrs. STEAL, KNIBBS & CO." + + * * * * * + +"LA GRIPPE." + +[Illustration] + + ("_I'm a devil! I'm a devil!" croaked Barnaby Rudge's Raven + 'Grip': And this is a raven-mad sort of Edgar-Allan-Poem by Un + qui est Grippé._) + + Once upon a midnight dreary + Coming home I felt so weary, + Felt, oh! many a pain; so curious, + Which I'd never felt before. + Then to bed,--no chance of napping, + Blankets, rugs about me wrapping, + Feverish burning pains galore. + "Oh! I've got it! oh!" I muttered, + "Influenza!! what a bore!!" + _Only_ this!!--Oh!!--Nothing more!! + + Oh! my head and legs are aching! + Now I'm freezing! Now I'm baking! + Clockwork in my cerebellum! + Oh! all over me I'm sore! + In my bed I'm writhing, tossing, + Yet I'm in a steamer, crossing. + While KIRALFY's Venice bossing, + I'm "against" and RUSSELL "for" + In a case about the _Echo_, + Somewhere out at Singapore! + It's delirium!!! Nothing more. + + Then a Doctor comes in tapping + Me all over, tapping, rapping. + And with ear so close and curious + Pressed to stethoscope, "Once more," + Says he, "sing out ninety-ninely, + Now again! You do it finely! + Yes! Not bigger than a wine lee, + There's the mischief, there's the _corps_ + Of the insect that will kill us, + Hiding there is the Bacillus; + Only _that_, and nothing more!" + + "Why's he here with fear to fill us? + Will he leave me, this Bacillus? + Not one bone do I feel whole in, + And of strength I've lost my store." + Thus I to the Doctor talking, + Ask "When shall I go out walking"? + He, my earnest queries baulking, + Says, "When all this trouble's o'er," + "Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday + Friday? Saturday? Sunday? or + In a week?" "Um!--not before." + + "Doctor!" cried I, "catch this evil + Fiend! Bacillus!! Microbe!! devil!! + Second syllable in Tem-pest! + Send him to Plutonian Shore. + Send him back to where he came from, + To the place he gets his fame from, + To the place he takes his name from; + Kick him out of my front door!" + So the Doctor feels my pulse, and, + As I drop upon the floor, + Quoth the Doctor, "Some days more." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT IN THE COLD!" + +"I AM LIKE A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW, WHO BEGINS TO GET STIFF WHILE +THE SNOWFLAKES COVER HIM." + +_Speech of Prince Von Bismarck at Friedrichsruhe._] + + * * * * * + +"OUT IN THE COLD!" + + ["I am like a traveller lost in the snow, who begins to get + stiff and to sink down while the snowflakes cover him. In + fact, I am gradually losing interest in politics, but the + feeling, like that of the traveller sinking under the snow, + is a pleasant one."--_Prince Bismarck to the Deputation of + Leipsic Students_.] + +AIR--"_Excelsior_!" + + The century was waning fast, + As through a wintry waste there passed + A man, who bore, 'mid snow and ice, + A banner with the strange device, + Excel no more! + + His brows were blanched; his eye beneath + Flashed like a falchion from its sheath; + Red fields had heard his armour clang. + But now he smiled and softly sang, + Excel no more! + + In barracks huge he saw the might + Of mailed hosts arrayed for fight; + Afar the fierce Frank bayonets shone, + And from his lips escaped a moan, + Excel no more! + + "Think of the Past!" the young men said, + "Like SAUL you towered by the head + Midst those three Titans, Prussia's pride!" + Softly that once stern voice replied, + "Excel no more!" + + "Oh, stay," the young men cried, "and mix + Once more in Teuton Politics!" + "Nay," said the Titan, "I grow old, + And, like poor TOM, I am a-cold! + Excel no more!" + + "Beware the snow-encumbered branch! + Beware the whelming avalanche!" + "Thanks!" he replied. "I know, I know. + But--well, I rather like the snow! + Excel no more!" + + "Lost in the snow! An easy death! + Gentle surcease of mortal breath! + I sink, I stiffen, I'm foredone! + The feeling though's a pleasant one; + Excel no more!" + + The traveller by his faithful hound + Half-buried in the snow was found, + Still muttering from a mouth of ice + That banner's late and strange device, + Excel no more! + + There in the snow-drift cold and grey, + Silent, but stalwart, still he lay, + Great "Blood-and-Iron," brave and bold, + But--for the nonce--"Out in the Cold!" + Excel no more? + + * * * * * + +PARLIAMENT IN SPORT; + +_OR, A MEETING IN EARNEST._ + + ["Perhaps the popularity of the competition in national sport + between the different parts of the Empire is worthy of the + serious attention of statesmen ... Mr. ASTLEY COOPER proposes + rowing, running and cricket ... There is something fascinating + in the idea of such a Pan-Britannic gathering."--_Daily + Paper_.] + +The SPEAKER, having taken his seat in the Pavilion, the Minister for +Cricket rose to move the third reading of The Six-balls-to-an-over +Bill. + +The Right Hon. Gentleman said that the amount of time wasted in +changing sides, although the field did their best to minimise the +loss by assuming a couple of positions alternately, was very +serious--especially in a first-class match. + +The Member for Melbourne begged to ask what _was_ a first-class match? + +The Member for Sydney replied, certainly not a match between Canada +and Victoria. (_Laughter.)_ Now everyone was aware that New South +Wales--("_Question! Order! Order!")_ He begged pardon, he was in +order. + +The SPEAKER. I really must request silence. The Minister for Cricket +is introducing a most important measure, and the least we can do is to +receive his statement with adequate attention. (_General cheering_.) + +The Minister for Cricket continued, and said that the measure he had +the honour to commend to their careful consideration would not only +lengthen the over, but also allow Cricket to be played all the year +round. + +The Minister for Football begged to remind his Right Hon. friend +that he had promised to consider that matter in Committee. What would +become of Football were Cricket to be played continuously? ("_Hear, +hear_!") + +The Member for Bombay thought that a matter of no moment. In India +Polo was of infinitely more importance than Football, and he could +not help remarking that, in the Imperial Parliament, representing so +many sports, and so many Colonies, where every great interest was +represented, and well represented, Polo was absolutely ignored. +(_Cheers.)_ + +The Minister for Aquatic Sports agreed with the Hon. Member. Polo was +entirely of sufficient interest to warrant the creation of a special +department for its guardianship. But at present he was responsible for +it. He hoped soon to be able to welcome a colleague who would make its +interests his continual study. (_"Hear, hear!"_) + +The Minister for Cricket concluded by thanking the House for the +attention the Hon. Members had given to the subject, and sat down +amidst loud applause. + +A division being taken, the Bill was carried by 127 to 96. The +majority were composed of Australians and Canadians, and the minority +were Africans, Indians, and miscellaneous Colonists. The House then +adjourned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS. + +_Elderly Dowager_. "Now, PERKINS, I REQUIRE YOUR HONEST OPINION. DON'T +YOU THINK THIS DRESS SUITS ME?" + +_Perkins (who has been cautioned always to speak the truth, on pain of +losing her place, warily_). "OH YES, MY LADY, IT SUITS YOUR LADYSHIP +QUITE--AS ONE MAY SAY--QUITE 'DOWN TO THE GROUND!'"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXV. + + SCENE--_Near Torcello. CULCHARD and PODBURY are seated + side by side in the gondola, which is threading its way + between low banks, bright with clumps of Michaelmas daisies + and pomegranate-trees laden with red fruit. Both CULCHARD + and PODBURY are secretly nervous and anxious for + encouragement._ + +_Podbury_ (_humming "In Old Madrid" with sentiment_). +La-doodle-um-La-doodle-oo: La-doodle-um-te-dumpty-loodle-oo! I think +she rather seemed to like me--those first days at Brussels, don't +_you_? + +_Culchard_ (_absently_). Did she? I daresay. (_Whistling "The +Wedding March" softly_.) Few-fee; di-fee-fee-few-few; +few-fiddledy-fee-fiddledy-few-few-few-fee. I fancy I'm right in my +theory, eh? + +_Podb._ Oh, I should say so--yes. _What_ theory? + +_Culch._ (_annoyed_). What theory? Why, the one I've been explaining +to you for the last ten minutes!--that all this harshness of hers +lately is really, when you come to analyse it, a decidedly encouraging +symptom. + +_Podb._ But I shouldn't nave said Miss TROTTER was exactly _harsh_ to +me--lately, at all events. + +_Culch._ (_with impatience_). Miss TROTTER! You! What an egotist you +are, my dear fellow! I was referring to myself and Miss PRENDERGAST. +And you can't deny that, both at Nuremberg and Constance, she-- + +_Podb._ (_with careless optimism_). Oh, _she_'ll come round all right, +never fear. I only wish I was half as safe with Miss TROTTER! + +_Culch._ (_mollified_). Don't be too downhearted, my dear PODBURY. I +happen to know that she likes you--she told me as much last night. Did +Miss PRENDERGAST--er--say anything to that effect about _me_? + +_Podb._ Well,--not exactly, old chap--not to me, at least. But I say, +Miss TROTTER didn't tell you _that_? Not _really_? Hooray! Then it's +all right--she may have me, after all! + +_Culch._ (_chillingly_). I should advise you not to be over confident. +(_A silence follows, which endures until they reach the landing-steps +at Torcello._) They _are_ here, you see--those are evidently their +gondolas, I recognise those two cloaks. Now the best thing _we_ can do +is to separate. + +_Podb._ (_springing out_). Right you are! (_To himself._) I'll draw +the church first, and see if she's there. (_Approaches the door of +Santa Maria: a Voice within, apparently reading aloud: "Six balls, or +rather almonds, of purple marble veined with white are set around the +edge of the pulpit, and form its only decoration"_) HYPATIA, by Jove! +Narrow shave that! [_He goes round to back._ + +_Culch._ (_comes up to the door_). I know I shall find her here. Lucky +I know that Torcello chapter in "The Stones" very nearly by heart! +(_Reaches threshold. A Voice within. "Well, I guess I'm going to climb +up and sit in that old amphitheatre there, and see how it feels!"_) +Good heavens,--_MAUD_! and I was as nearly as possible--I think I'll +go up to the top of the Campanile and see if I can't discover where +HYPATIA is. + + [_He ascends the tower._ + + _In the Belfry._ + +_Podb._ (_arriving breathless, and finding CULCHARD craning eagerly +forward_). Oh, so _you_ came up too? Well, can you _see_ her? + +_Culch._ Ssh! She's just turned the corner! (_Vexed._) She's with Miss +TROTTER!... They're sitting down on the grass below! + +_Podb._ Together? That's a nuisance! Now we shall have to wait till +they separate--sure to squabble, sooner or later. + +_Miss T.'s Voice_ (_which is perfectly audible above_). I guess we'll +give RUSKIN a rest now, HYPATIA. I'm dying for a talk. I'm just as +enchanted as I can be to hear you've dismissed Mr. PODBURY. And I +expect you can guess _why_. + +_Podb._ (_in a whisper_). I say, CULCHARD, they're going to talk about +us. Ought we to listen, eh? Better let them know we're here? + +_Culch._ I really don't see any necessity--however--(_Whistles +feebly._) Feedy-feedy-feedle! + +[Illustration: "Hypatia, by Jove!"] + +_Podb._ What is the use of fustling like that? (_Yödels._) Lul-li-ety! + +_Miss P.'s V._ Well, my dear MAUD, I confess that I-- + +_Culch._ It's quite impossible to make them hear down there, and it's +no fault of ours if their voices reach us occasionally. And it +_does_ seem to me, PODBURY, that, in a matter which may be of +vital importance to me--to us both--it would be absurd to be +over-scrupulous. But of course you will please yourself. _I_ intend to +remain where I am. + + [_PODBURY makes a faint-hearted attempt to go, but ends by + resigning himself to the situation._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ Now, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, don't tell _me_ you're not +interested in him! And he's more real suited to you than ever Mr. +PODBURY was. Now, isn't that _so_? + +_Culch._ (_withdrawing his head_). Did you hear, PODBURY? She's +actually pleading for me! _Isn't_ she an angel? Be quiet, now. I must +hear the answer! + +_Miss P.'s V._ I--I don't know, really. But, MAUD, I want to speak to +you about--Somebody. You can't think how he adores you, poor fellow! I +have noticed it for a long time. + +_Podb._ (_beaming_). CULCHARD! You heard? She's putting in a word for +me. What a brick that girl is! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I guess he's pretty good at concealing his feelings, +then. He's been keeping far enough away! + +_Miss P.'s V._ That was _my_ fault. I _kept_ him by me. You see, I +believed you had quite decided to accept Mr. CULCHARD. + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, it does strike me that, considering he was +adoring me all this time, he let himself be managed tolerable easy. + + [_PODBURY shakes his head in protestation._ + +_Miss P.'s V._ Ah, but let me explain. I could only keep him quiet +by threatening to go home by myself, and dear BOB is such a devoted +brother that-- + +_Podb._ Brother! I say. CULCHARD, she can't be meaning _BOB_ all this +time! She _can't_! Can she now? + +_Culch._ How on earth can _I_ tell? If it is so, you must be a +philosopher, my dear fellow, and bear it--that's all. + +_Miss P.'s V._ That _does_ alter the case, doesn't it? And I may tell +him there's some hope for him? You mustn't judge him by what he is +with his friend, Mr. PODBURY. BOB has such a _much_ stronger and finer +character! + +_Miss T.'s V._ Oh well, if he couldn't stand up more on his edge than +Mr. PODBURY! Not that I mind Mr. PODBURY any, there's no harm in him, +but he's too real frivolous to amount to much. + +_Podb._ (_collapsing_). Frivolous! From _her_ too! Oh, hang it _all_! + + [_He buries his head in his hands with a groan._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, see here, HYPATIA. I'll take your brother on +trial for a spell, to oblige you--there. I cann't say more at present. +And now--about the other. I want to know just how you feel about him. + +_Culch._ The _other_!--that's Me! I wish to goodness you wouldn't make +all that noise, PODBURY, just when it's getting interesting! + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_very low_). What is the good? Nothing will bring him +back--_now_! + +_Culch._ Nothing? How little she knows me! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I hope you don't consider _me_ nothing. And a word from +me would bring him along pretty smart. The only question is, whether +I'm to say it or not? + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_muffled_). Dar-ling! + +_Culch._ I really think I might almost venture to go down, now, eh, +PODBURY? (_No answer._) Selfish brute! [_Indignantly._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ But mind this--if he comes, you've got to care for him +the whole length of your boa--you won't persuade him to run in couples +with anybody else. That's why he broke away the first time--and you +were ever so mad with me because you thought I was at the bottom +of it. But it was all his pride. He's too real independent to share +chances with anybody alive. + +_Culch._ How thoroughly she understands me! + +_Miss T.'s V._ And I guess CHARLEY will grow out of the great Amurrcan +Novel in time--it's not going ever to grow out of _him_, anyway! + +_Culch._ (_bewildered_). CHARLEY? I don't see why she should mention +VAN BOODELER _now_! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I like CHARLEY ever so much, and I'm not going to have +him cavort around along with a circus of suitors under vows. So, if I +thought there was any chance of--well, say Mr. CULCHARD-- + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_indignant_). MAUD! how _can_ you? That odious +hypocritical creature! If you knew how I despised and--! + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, my dear, he's pretty paltry--but we'll let him go +at that--I guess his shares have gone down considerable all round. + +_Culch._ PODBURY, I--I--this conversation is evidently not intended +for--for other--ears. I don't know whether _you_ have heard enough, +_I_ shall go down! + +_Podb._ (_with a ghastly chuckle_). Like your shares, eh, old chap? +And mine too, for that matter. Well, _I'm_ ready enough to go. Only, +for goodness' sake, let's get away without being seen! + + [_They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, and out + to the steps, where they re-embark. As their gondola pushes + off, Mr. TROTTER and BOB PRENDERGAST appear from the + Museum._ + +_Mr. T._ Why, land sakes! ain't that Mr. PODBURY and Mr. CULCHARD? Hi! +You ain't ever going away? There's my darter and Miss HYPATIA around +somewhere.--They'll be dreadful disappointed to have missed you! + +_Podb._ (_with an heroic attempt at cheeriness_). We--we're awfully +disappointed to have missed _them_, Mr. TROTTER. Afraid we can't stop +now! Goodbye! + + [_CULCHARD pulls his hat-brim over his eyes and makes a sign + to the gondoliers to get on quickly; Mr. TROTTER comments + with audible astonishment on their departure to BOB, who + preserves a discreet silence._ + + * * * * * + +A PALMY DAY AT ST. RAPHAEL. + +_Villa Magali._--Delicious climate! STUART-RENDEL says it "reminds +him of Devonshire, without the damp." Mention of Devonshire reminds +_me_ of the DUKE. Try to point out to my friends that the Rossendale +Election shows conclusively--Curious! Friends all get up and go out! +Seems that ANDREW CLARKE specially told them I was to "avoid all +excitement, over-exertion, and talk about politics!" Wish CLARKE would +not be so unreasonable. _Must_ talk about Rossendale to somebody. + +_Off to Hyères_--to see CHILDERS. Find CHILDERS tolerably chatty. +Doesn't seem to care so much about Rossendale result as I should have +expected. STUART-RENDEL comes to fetch me. Ahem! Off. + +_At Monte Carlo._--Feel so well, have looked in here. Meet WELLS, the +"Champion Plunger." Asks me if I've got a system; he's "been losing +heavily, and would be glad of any hint." Suggest his putting on the +numbers of Rossendale Majority. WELLS seems pleased at idea. Does so +at once, and loses 10,000 francs straight off. Meet him in grounds +afterwards, and try to explain real significance of Rossendale +election. WELLS disappears. Curious! _Can_ ANDREW CLARKE have got at +WELLS? + +_Golfe San Juan._--French war-ships in Bay. Admiral might like to know +my views on Rossendale and politics generally. Taken on board. Admiral +much interested in MADEN's victory. Admiral asks if it was the "_Grand +Prix_" that MADEN won? Find he thinks MADEN is a horse. Disappointing. +[_Query_--ANDREW CLARKE again?] Sent on shore in boat, amid cheers +from sailors. Gratifying. + +_Back to St. Raphael._--Tired, but on the whole gratified with my day. +Friends pained to hear what I've done, and threaten to telegraph for +Sir ANDREW! Shall pack up and return. Letter from MORLEY begging me to +stay where I am. Odd! Can Sir ANDREW have got at JOHN MORLEY? Bed, and +think it over. + + * * * * * + +BROTHER BRUSH, A.R.A.--Stan' up, STANHOPE FORBES! and receive our +congratulations on your election. STAN-HOPE deferred maketh the +painter's 'art sick of waiting, and now A FORBES, not _The_ FORBES +(which his name is JAMES STAATS, C.L.C. & D.R., &c., &c.), but the +STANHOPE A-foresaid, has obtained his first grade. With what pleasure +will the Art-loving Chairman see his STANHOPE "on the line!" In +Burlington House, of course we mean, as elsewhere, the situation would +be one of no slight danger. + + * * * * * + +"PLEASED AS PUNCH."--A paragraph in the _D.T._ informed _Mr. P._ +and the public generally, that "Dr. ROBSON ROOSE and Mr. ALLINGHAM +are contented with Mr. EDWARD LAWSON's progress." "If Box"--"And +Cox"--"are satisfied," then of all Mr. E.L.'s friends in front none +will be more delighted to hear of his complete recovery than his +neighbour, _Mr. Punch_, of 85, Fleet Street. + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING NEW IN SOAP.--The Soap Trade is still booming. Almost every +week appears a fresh candidate for public favour, its claim based upon +some alluring speciality. We hear of a newcomer likely to take the +cake (of soap). On all the walls, and in most of the advertisement +columns, will presently blaze forth its proud legend:--"The +Satisfactory Soap--Won't Wash Anything." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS. + +IN ORDER TO HUSBAND OUR JUDICIAL STAFF, IN FUTURE A JUDGE WILL BE +EXPECTED TO HEAR TWO CASES AT THE SAME TIME. + +PORTRAIT OF A JUDGE TRYING A THEATRICAL "CAUSE CÉLÈBRE," AND A NICE +QUESTION AS TO A "REMAINDER-MAN" AND A "TENANT IN TAIL MALE."] + + * * * * * + +HIGH (BEERBOHM) TREESON! + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that Mr. BEERBOHM TREE in his recent production +of _Hamlet_ has introduced a novelty into the tragedy by inventing +fresh business. Unauthorised by the text, he has included _Ophelia_ +amongst the Court "attendants," and, finding her on the stage, has +indulged in a dignified flirtation (in dumb show), worthy of the hero +of _L'Enfant Prodigue_ himself. Now I think this a great improvement, +and were the masterpiece to be "written up" throughout on the same +lines, I am sure the representation would be received with enthusiasm. +It might be that the performance would be a little longer, but think +of the enormous gain in interest. To show you what I mean, I take the +first five lines of the opening Act:-- + +SHAKSPEARE'S VERSION. + + SCENE I.--_Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. FRANCISCO + on his post. Enter to him BERNARDO._ + + _Bernardo._ Who's there? + + _Francisco._ Nay answer me: stand and unfold yourself! + +This passage, furnished with proper business, might be rendered the +means of showing the sort of life led by _Laertes_, justifying the +advice subsequently given to him by _Polonius_ more appropriate to +the conditions of the case as now (for the first time) fully divulged, +Thus--I give my view of the matter:-- + +AMENDED VERSION. + + SCENE I.--_Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. As the + Curtain rises, shouts and laughs are heard without. A Village + Maiden rushes in, as if pursued. She hides herself behind the + sentry-box, and then escapes. FRANCISCO, who is on his post, + looks about, and is surrounded by Danish Gallants, who have + come in pursuit of the Maiden. He threatens them with his + arms, and only one remains, who seems overcome by wine. The + intoxicated Gallant is masked, and evidently very much the + worse for liquor. He clumsily draws his sword. FRANCISCO + is about to despatch him, when the mask falls, and in the + dissipated reveller the Sentry recognises the bloated features + of LAERTES. He immediately presents arms, as LAERTES + is his superior officer. LAERTES, half-sobered by this + suggestion of discipline, wishes to retire unseen, and gives + largesse to FRANCISCO. The Sentry is greatly gratified, when + to them enters BERNARDO._ + + _Ber._ Who's there? + + _Fran._ (_sheltering LAERTES, who stealthily retires by + a rope-ladder which falls from the battlements to the moat + below_). Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself! + +By my version I really introduce a most interesting underplot, which, +in my opinion, is equally pleasing and quite as defensible as Mr. +BEERBOHM TREE's business with _Ophelia_. + +Yours, A STICKLER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMAN NATURE. + +_Jones has always professed the greatest Indifference to (and contempt +for) all Press Criticisms on his Work (although he takes in all the +Papers)._ + +YET THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE WHEN HIS NEW NOVEL WAS PRONOUNCED A +WORK OF GENIUS BY THE _UPPER TOOTING EXPRESS_. + +AND THIS IS HOW HE APPEARED WHEN THE _NORTH CLAPHAM GAZETTE_ DISMISSED +THAT IMMORTAL BOOK AS A PIECE OF DRIVELLING SENILE TWADDLE. + +AND THIS IS THE WAY HE TREATS ALL NEWSPAPERS, REVIEWS, PERIODICALS, +&C., &C., THAT LEAVE THE IMMORTAL BOOK UNNOTICED!] + + * * * * * + +THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL." + +_A LAY OF MODERN LONDON._ + + [Arrangements have been made for great political meetings + in the Metropolis, at which the Liberal Leaders will be the + principal speakers.] + + HARCURTIUS of the triple chin, by the Nine Points he swore + The Capital should suffer from Tory sway no more; + By the Nine Points he swore it, and named a trysting day, + And bade his messengers ride forth east and west, and south and north, + To summon his array. + + East and west, and south and north the messengers ride fast; + From Kennington to Poplar they've heard the trumpet's blast. + Shame on the false Caucusian who loiters in his Club + When triple-chin'd HARCURTIUS prepares the foe to drub! + Too long the Capital hath borne the stubborn Tory yoke, + Too long the Liberals have failed to strike a swashing stroke. + Betrayed to Tory clutches by traitors shrewd and strong, + The banded foes have held it all too firmly and too long. + SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS have struck unholy pact, + Foes long in dubious seeming, but ever friends, in fact, + Devonian CAVENDUS, he of the broad and bovine jowl, + Who smiled but coldly ever, now on our cause doth scowl. + Cock-nosed CUBICULARIUS, once a Captain of our host, + Now chums with bland BALFOURIUS, and makes that bond his boast. + Oh, was there ever such a gang, so motley and so mixed, + To garrison a Citadel on which all hopes are fixed? + Oh, was there ever such a call to strike one mighty blow, + To snatch the Capital once more, and lay the traitors low? + + HARCURTIUS hurries onward, he waves the Grand Old Flag, + And when that banner flouts the breeze, what slave so base as lag? + GLADSTONIUS at his elbow,--not he the Old, the Grand,-- + He shuns the fogs of winter in a far-off sunny land, + Nursing his force for the great fray that may right soon come on,-- + This is not he of Hawarden, but the old hero's son: + There's OTTO, of the brindled beard, RUSSELLIUS swift of tongue, + RIPONIUS and LEFEVRIUS into the fray have flung. + Sleek-haired STANSFELDUS also, MUNDELLA of the Beak. + That CORVUS of the legion, good both to fight and speak, + LEO PLAYFAIRIUS follows, and brave BANNERMANUS bears + The flag he's fond of flaunting, there gallant AUCEPS dares + All that becomes a hero, whilst last, but oh, not least! + KIMBERLEYUS fares forth to the fight as others to a feast. + "Now, up!" cried stout HARCURTIUS, "Up! and we yet shall trap 'em! + Kennington calls, and Hackney, with Fulham, too, and Clapham. + I hear the cry of Chelsea, Islington North and West + Raise wails that find an echo in this mail-covered breast. + Bermondsey and Whitechapel upraise a piteous plaint: + ('Wy don't our 'eroes wisit _hus_? We looks and there they ain't!') + North Lambeth long neglected, and Wandsworth far South-West, + (If I know where these places be I wish I may be blest!) + Appeal to us for succour: then Peckham, gallant Peckham, + Makes a far cry from her famed Rye. O brethren, shall we check 'em, + These brave suburban stalwarts whose home is in the waste + Afar from Pall Mall portals, swell Clubs, and homes of taste, + But who have Votes, my brethren? Nay, shout ye men of pith, + And strike for pining Poplar and hapless Hammersmith!" + "Quite so!" cries 'cute MUNDELLA, the corvine chief and conky, + "But he who maketh too much noise may show himself a donkey. + The Capital seems quiet, Sir, the garrison is still, + Suppose we try that old Gaul game!" HARCURTIUS cries, "I will!" + Then silently and slowly, and all in single file, + They climb towards the Citadel. HARCURTIUS, with a smile, + Hath his head o'er the ramparts, when--Great CÆSAR, what is this? + They're greeted with one loud, prolonged, and universal _hiss_! + The sudden sibilation out of silence startles all, + HARCURTIUS clangs his buckler, OTTO nearly hath a fall, + "Great gods, the Geese are on us, those confounded Sacred Geese, + See their long necks, twig their broad beaks! Cease, senile + cacklers, cease!" + + So gaspeth great HARCURTIUS, but gaspeth all in vain. + The gaff is blown, the anserine guard gives tongue with might and main. + A stir, a tramp of mailèd feet, a torch-flare! Whillaloo! + "Say, is this MARCUS MANLIUS? No, hang it, there be two, + SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS, with a host, no doubt, behind, + They're on their guard, whate'er may chance, we shall not 'catch + 'em blind' + Like gudgeon. No! there's not a chance of a surprise by night; + If the Gauls take the Citadel, ye gods, they'll have to _fight_!" + How history repeats itself! At least we must agree, + The Geese have roused the Capital? And _saved_ it? We shall see! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO ARTLESS! + +SCENE--_A Cinderella Dance._ + +_Swell_ (_to ingenuous Maiden_). "ARE YOU ENGAGED?" + +_Ingenuous Maiden._ "NO--BUT--I SHOULD SO LIKE TO BE!" + +[_And, as the old game has it, the consequences were ----!_] + + * * * * * + +"COME HITHER, HUBERT!" + +We are able to present our readers with a few notes of a lecture to +be given by Professor HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A. (by the kind permission +of AUTHOR PINERO, Esq.), to all managers, actors, actresses, +scene-painters, authors, composers, musicians, costumiers, and +wig-makers who will honour him with their attention. On this occasion +the Professor will (among other things) explain, by the aid of a Magic +Lantern (an entirely new invention recently discovered by Professor +H.H.) how to enlighten the stage darkness generally. The Professor +will also combat the erroneous impression derived from the dark ages +of SHAKSPEARE's time, that the Moon, or the Man in it,--probably a +lime-lighterman,--ought servilely to follow the movements, in order to +throw light upon them, of the Principal Performer. The Professor will +observe--"Such a course, on the part of the Direction of the Moon, +can only be considered beneficial to Art, when it is directed against +'The Star System.' As each theatrical Star has its own particular +brilliancy, why lug in the Moon? SHAKSPEARE, no doubt, had the Stage +Moon in full view when he makes _Juliet_ roundly exclaim, 'Oh, swear +not by the Moon, the inconstant Moon!' as, of course, a Moon bound +to illuminate the business of any one actor must follow him about, +and so, though 'constant' to _him_ individually, would be open to a +general charge of inconstancy from the spectators in front. Such a +course for the Moon to take is, as some of the better instructed among +you may possibly be aware, quite unwarranted by the lunar laws of +Nature, &c., &c." + +This interesting entertainment will wind up with a dialogue between +_Arthur_ (JONES) and _Hubert_ (HERKOMER), of which we give an extract. +It represents _Arthur_ as wishing to produce a piece, which _Hubert_ +forewarns him will be a failure unless he (HUBERT) paints the scenery +and manages it generally. + + _Arthur._ Is there no remedy? + + _Hubert._ None, but to use _my_ eyes. + + _Arthur._ O HUBERT! If you will, cut down my 'lengths.' + And I'll be merry as the day is long, + So you don't interfere. You've other irons + Hot in the fire. + + _Hubert_ (_aside_). With his innocent prate + He will awake my mercy which lies dead. + (_Aloud._) Read this, young ARTHUR! + + [_Gives him a Manuscript._ + + _Arthur_ (_opens it. Starts_). What! a play by YOU! + To be produced by _me_! O HUBERT!! [_Faints._ + +We regret that want of space prevents our giving any more of this +charming work at present, but no doubt it will not be long ere the +Public has the gratification of hearing and seeing it all. + + * * * * * + +A PARAGON FRAME (OF MIND). + + ["I never took anybody's umbrella."--_Plaintiff (a Cook) in a + recent Breach of Promise Case._] + + Common are Cooks, professed, plain alike + And common, youths their sustenance who feed on, + Common (I'm told) a breach of promise suit, + And common, damages, in courts agreed on; + Common are briefs as blackberries; and fees + Are common quite as "leather and prunella"; + Common are "unprotected" witnesses + ("_Credat_"--as HORACE somewhere sings--"_Apella_!") + But most uncommon seems a lowly Cook + Who with sincerity can kiss the book + And swear (to shame her betters!) ne'er she took + By sad "mistake or otherwise," by hook; + Or, as will eventuate, by crook, + Be it silk or gingham--any one's umbrella! + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM ON CURRENT POLITICS.--"Politics," says Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, "is +one of the few things I know nothing about. But it does seem to me +that Lord GRANDOLPH CHURCHILL is a white elephant tied round the neck +of Lord SALISBURY." + + * * * * * + +"HEAVENS!"--Recently in the _Athenæum_, and copied elsewhere, appeared +the most interesting intelligence that has been received on earth for +some time. "The small planet No. 315"--no further address is given, an +omission which will, no doubt, be rectified in the next issue--"which +was discovered at Nice by M. CHARLOIS on the 4th September, +1891,"--the small planet, of course, not being out of the nurse's +arms, was not responsible for being at Nice at an unfashionable time, +but this, of course, is the fault of her parents and guardians--"has +been named Constantia." Rather late to delay the christening for +nearly five months. Of course, the brilliant infant will not stay at +Nice, except by medical advice, but will probably return to No. 315, +Milky Way (or elsewhere), on the first opportunity. _Sic itur ad +astra_! + + * * * * * + +"A STUDENT OF HISTORY" writes to us:--"Sir--I have been reading a +great deal lately on ecclesiastical subjects, and shall be very much +obliged if you will explain to me briefly what 'Inclosed Orders' +are." [If "A STUDENT" will send us, under cover to our office, two +P.O. Orders for two pounds ten shillings each respectively, further +explanation than that conveyed by our receipt for the same will be +unnecessary.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +A RIDDLE. + + I'm underneath your feet + In the streets of London Town, + From town take "t," + Then give it to me, + And you'll sell me for a crown. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. AND THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC.--Our excellent friend is now +convalescent. "Like CÆSAR or CÆSAR's wife, I forget which it was," +she says, "I have passed the Barbican!" Some one having suggested that +probably she meant "the Rubicon," Mrs. R. thanked him politely, but +added, that she perfectly well knew what she was talking about, and +that everyone who was acquainted with history would understand her +classical delusion. + + * * * * * + +PUZZLER FOR A COSTUMIER.--A Gentleman going to a Fancy Dress Ball +wants to know how he can make up for Lost Time? + + * * * * * + +NAMES for the next pair of Tailed Monkeys sent to the Zoo--"Mr. and +Mrs. CAUDAL." + + * * * * * + +N.B.--"Confessions of a Duffer," No. IV., next week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ +TO STICK TO HIS LAST. + +_Fair Matron._ "I REMEMBER YOUR ACTING '_SIR ANTHONY,' YEARS_ AGO, +WHEN I WAS A GIRL, SIR CHARLES! YOU DID IT SPLENDIDLY!" + +_The Great Mathematician._ "AH, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, THAT BIT OF +ACTING BROUGHT ME MORE COMPLIMENTS THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID?" + +_Fair Matron._ "I SHOULD _THINK_, SO INDEED!"] + + * * * * * + +TRUE AND TRUSTY. + +(_A STORY OF THE LAW._) + +I always liked LAWRENCE LUCKAPENNY, and shall never forget the first +time I met him. He was leaving the County Court, where I had had +myself a small matter of business, and knowing the same Counsel, we +foregathered. He was in great spirits. He had just won his case. + +"Yes," said he, "it was a hard fight, but we came off all right. His +Honour was distinctly in our favour, so now I and my co-trustees will +have the satisfaction of feeling that the estate has benefited, with +no greater loss than a few months' delay. Eh?" and he turned to our +Counsel, who smiled, and shook his head a little doubtfully. + +"Can scarcely go so far as that," the man of law observed. "You see, +these matters take time, and the other side may appeal." + +"Appeal! What is that?" + +"I am afraid you will have the full opportunity for learning, my dear +fellow." + +"Well, it's all right up to now," cried LUCKAPENNY, cheerfully, and we +separated. + +Two or three years after this I again met the litigant, but this time +in the Royal Courts of Justice. There were streaks of white in his +hair, but he was still cheerful. + +I asked him how he was getting on with the matter, and he replied, +"As well as might be expected." Our Counsel had been right, for the +liquidators had appealed. + +"But we have beaten them again, my dear Sir! Think of that,--beaten +them again!" + +"And now you will have no further difficulty, I suppose." + +"I can't go quite so far as that," returned LUCKAPENNY, who I noticed +was adopting legal phraseology. "You know they may take us up to the +House of Lords, if they please!" + +And again time went on. In the course of years I found that poor +LUCKAPENNY _had_ been taken to Westminster, and their Lordships had +decided to give themselves time to consider their judgment. + +When I met LUCKAPENNY again, the House of Lords had decided against +him. + +"It is very awkward," he observed, "they will not allow my costs, and +so I shall have to pay them out of my own pocket! And what makes it +the more annoying is that, even had we won our cause, it would +have led to nothing, as the estate we were fighting is practically +bankrupt." + +I offered my condolences, and we separated. + +The last time, I saw poor LUCKAPENNY, he looked a very shadow of +himself. He was haggard and thin, and was wearing clothes of an +ancient cut and threadbare material. He smiled as he met me, and +observed that he was still engaged on the trust matter. + +"But I have come to the last stage," he said; "I have paid the costs +in full. And now I am going home." + +"Going home," I repeated, and noticing that he seemed feeble, offered +him the support of my arm. "I will walk as far as your residence." + +"You are very good," he replied, "but I am afraid that I cannot ask +you to come in." + +"Never mind that; but where do you live?" + +"Where should I live after a lawsuit?" he returned, with a short +laugh. "Why, in the Workhouse, to be sure--in the Workhouse!" + +And as a ratepayer, I have assisted to support him ever since! + + * * * * * + +A MENU FROM BIRMINGHAM. + +POTAGES. + +Duchesse. Consommé de Déluge à l'Après Moi. + +POISSONS. + +Hors d'Eau à l'Appât convenable. Crevettes à l'Envie. + +ENTRÉES. + +Petits Programmes à la Robe de Joseph. Filets de Vis, Sauce Monopole. +Pattes de Matou aux Griffes. + +RÔTS. + +Moi Même. Dinde Fidèle de Jessé. + +LÉGUMES. + +Orchis en Boutonnière. Hartijo Sauce Soumission. + +RELEVÉS. + +Monocle. Salmi de Paires Filants aux Lis. + +ENTREMETS. + +Gâteau Rossendale. Conserves d'Église Galloise. Boudin de Labouchère à +la Lanterne. + +DESSERT. + +Bonbons de Famille. Hameçons de Flatterie. Oublis. + + * * * * * + +IN STATU,--QUO? + +Should CROMWELL have a statue at Westminster was a burning question +some years ago. We all know the result, and nowadays, who cares? +At present, the question at Oxford is, Shall Cardinal NEWMAN have a +statue? and, if so, Shall it be just opposite the Martyrs' Memorial? +From one point of view, the situation is happily selected, as, of +course, NEWMAN was on just exactly opposite ground to CRANMER, RIDLEY, +and LATIMER. The Oxford Dons are right in supposing that no statue +can be erected without a previous design; a design by a hand that has +not lost its cunning. The proposed site is in Broad Street, a very +suggestive name as opposed to narrowness of any sort; yet so eager +are the illogical Dons in the matter of preservation of spaces, that +before even the base of a clay model has been commenced, they have +already prepared the ground for the reception of the statue by getting +up any amount of railing about the proposed site! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WAKING-UP" FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION.] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. X.--TO CROOKEDNESS. + +OBLIQUE, BUT FORMIDABLE ONE, + +You have frequently fixed your abode in high places. Are there +not recorded in history the names of kings and statesmen whom an +irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and overreach, has brought +to the block? The times were difficult--that much one may admit. Noble +heads of honourable and upright men were lopped in profusion; and it +may be argued, with some show of reason, that the man whose character +was as flawless as pure crystal, was like to fare as badly as the +muddiest rascal of them all, if his side sank in defeat. And yet +I cannot help believing that, in some cases at least, a man might +have had a happier end if he had abstained from acts of political +turpitude, which were as irrational in their conception as they +were ruinous in their effect; acts, that is, which, in the existing +circumstances, no sane man could have undertaken unless the mere doing +of these rogueries had been a supreme and a necessary pleasure to him. +There was poor CHARLES THE FIRST. Surely, in spite of that melancholy, +doomed face, he might have died in peace if he had only played the +game fairly. JAMES THE SECOND, too, and MARLBOROUGH, the greatest +Captain of his age, and BOLINGBROKE, the eloquent philosophiser, the +grave moralist, how different might their ends have been had not you, +O CROOKEDNESS, presided at their births, and ruled their lives. But, +avaunt, History! Here I am straying into a treatise, when I merely +intended to remind you of little PETER SHEEF, and of his adventures. + +[Illustration] + +PETER and I were freshmen together at Cambridge in the remote past +before "Johnnies," and "Chappies," and "Mashers" had been heard of, +before the "oof bird" had been fledged in its pink and sporting nest, +or the Egyptian cigarette had asserted its universal sway. I daresay +we differed but little (by "we" I mean the freshmen of our year) from +those who have lately appeared for the first time in King's Parade, or +Jesus Lane. We were very young--we imagined Proctors to be destitute +of human feeling; we ate portentous breakfasts of many courses, and, +for the most part, treated our allowances as though they had been so +much pocket-money. Also we had an idea that a man who had passed his +thirtieth year was absurdly old, and that nobody could be called a +boy whose name had been entered on the books of a College. In fact, +we were freshmen. + +PETER and I were a good deal thrown together during our first term. +Like me, he had come up from one of the smaller schools, and we had +not, therefore, a very large number of friends to start with. PETER +was one of the pleasantest fellows in the world, always cheerful, +good-tempered, and obliging. He always seemed to have plenty of money. +Indeed, I know that his father made him an allowance of £800 a year, +a sum which was considerably more than double that received by the +majority of his fellows. The parental SHEEF I have since discovered +was a Solicitor, who had made his mark and his fortune by the crafty +defence of shady financiers in distress, of bogus company promoters, +and generally of the great race who live in the narrow border-land +which divides the merely disreputable from the positively indictable. +But at that time I didn't trouble my head to inquire about PETER's +father, and was content as most Undergraduates are, to take my friends +as I thought I found them. PETER was musical; he played several +instruments with skill, and sang a capital song. With all these +qualities, he soon became, to a certain extent, popular. He then set +up as a giver of good and expensive dinners, kept a couple of horses +in the hunting season, devoted great attention to his dress, and made +himself unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our miniature +world. In his second year he had gained a position; most people spoke +well of him, and liked him. It only rested with PETER himself to +maintain what he had gained, and to enter on life with troops of +friends. A few moments of purposeless folly were sufficient to shatter +him. + +I remember that in my first term I was not very agreeably impressed +by something that PETER did. A dog-fancier happened to come through +the street in which we both lodged, and PETER began to bargain with +him for a fox-terrier, who, according to the fancier's account, had +a pedigree as long and as illustrious as that of a Norman Peer. +Eventually it had been agreed that the dog was to become PETER's +property in consideration of thirty shillings in cash, a pair of +trousers, and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made, and the man +departed. Thereupon PETER informed me with glee, that the trousers +were a pair of his father's, which had been packed in his portmanteau +by mistake, and that the brandy-bottle contained about fifty per cent. +of water, that amount of brandy having been poured off before payment +was made. As PETER put it, "I've done him in the eye, to prevent him +doing me." I tried in vain to bring him round to the opinion that (let +alone robbing one's father) cheating a cheat was one of the lowest +forms of roguery. The dog-fancier soon afterwards returned, and +protested, with tears in his eyes, that the shabby trick had wounded +him in his tenderest feelings, but he seemed quite willing to begin a +fresh bargain with "the only gen'lemen, s'help me, as ever bested pore +little ALEC." + +All this is, however, by the way. I merely mention it to illustrate +PETER's character. At the University Steeple-Chase Meeting, which +took place at the end of our third October term, SHEEF had entered +his animals for several races. He was a good rider, and confidently +anticipated success. To celebrate the occasion, he had arranged a big +dinner-party, and had invited some twenty of us to dine with him. I +had been unable to go to the races myself, but at the appointed hour +I turned up at SHEEF's rooms. I found the table brilliantly laid, +waiters hanging about, and dozens of Champagne in readiness. SHEEF +was there, but, beside myself, no other guest had appeared. And not a +single one came. I forget what excuse the miserable host made, but the +result was that we two solemnly dined at a table laid for ten times +our number. I think I shall remember that ghastly festivity as long as +I live. The next day all Cambridge knew that SHEEF had not only pulled +one of his horses openly and disgracefully, but had wilfully misled +both his friends and the book-makers as to the horse he intended to +ride in a race for which entries were made at the post. I never heard +that he stood to win more than £50 by the transaction. And for this +paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man of his means) he had wrecked his +reputation, and all the possibilities of his career. + +I see him slinking about London sometimes. Last year he passed, +with much discredit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He has been a +Director of countless Companies, for the stock of fools seems to be +inexhaustible. There can only be one end for such a man as SHEEF. The +cool, callous, and calculating knave may get clear through to the end; +but SHEEF always was stupidly good-natured, and good-nature hangs like +a millstone round the neck of rascality. I cannot myself detest him as +I ought to do. He was so near to completely successful respectability. +But crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better wishes. Was it +altogether his own fault? + +That, as Mr. BRET HARTE observes, lets me out. + +I remain as before, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +A DANGEROUS TITLE. + +(_TO MR. JOSEPH HATTON, AUTHOR OF "CIGARETTE PAPERS."_) + + Cigarette Papers, JOSEPH, when properly stuffed, + Are meant, I suppose, to be zealously puffed. + When we take them in hand, a consuming desire + Attacks us to set the gay trifles on fire. + Yet, the brand being good (here's the point of my joke), + They are always enjoyed ere they vanish in smoke. + + * * * * * + +FROM AN X.J.P. TO LORD CHIEF JUSTICE PUNCH.--Sir,--Why complain of +"the Licence of the Bar?" Of course it goes with, and is a part of, +every Licence to a Public-house granted by the Middlesex Magistrates. +I've retired some years myself, am a bit deaf, and don't read much; +but I heard just enough to warrant me in writing to you at once on +what appears to me so simple a matter. + +ROBERT SHALLOW, X.J.P., M.M. + +_At the Sign of the Pig and Pippin._ + + * * * * * + +TO THE FUTURE A.R.A.--Better luck next time, Mr. SWAN. Be satisfied +that, though at present unelected, you are Swan, R.A., i.e., _Rara +Avis_. As you can plume yourself on this, so "_in hoc Cygno, +vinces!_" Which we caninecally and not canonically for the nonce +nonce-sensically render, "In this (matter), to the Swan (we say) you +will (go in and) win!" + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, February 6, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14341-8.txt or 14341-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/4/14341/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, February 6, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 13, 2004 [EBook #14341] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 6, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/61-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-1.png" + alt="'A GOOD STAYER.'" /></a> + + <h3>"A GOOD STAYER."</h3>THE DEALER SAID, "THE MARE COULD + STAY FOR EVER." SHE SEEMED INCLINED TO DO SO WHEN JONES + WISHED TO BE AFTER THE HOUNDS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RECEIPT AGAINST INFLUENZA.</h2> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—I send you this gratis. It is for + everybody's benefit,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours.<br /> + GEORGE GUZZLETON, X.M.D.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I give "<i>Coenæ prescriptionem</i>" only, as the + "<i>Prescrip: prandialis</i>" can be taken out of this with + variations.</p> + + <table summary="prescription" + align="center"> + <tr> + <td align="left">Ostr: frigid:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">1½ doz.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Pisc: anima: locus aut quid: ali:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">āāā xvi ʒ</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Cum: pom: terr: fervesc:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">f 8ʒ</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Ad Hoc: bib: sextarium</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">½ mx.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Ovem: torrid: virides: ad. lib.</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">℥ss.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Per: dix: anas: agrestis:</td> + + <td rowspan="2"><font size="+5">}</font></td> + + <td align="right">fʒij.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Condim: pan: aut aliquid:</td> + + <td align="right">fvijss.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Prunosus: botulus:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">āāf ʒvj.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Condim: prand: aut lact: Devonii:</td> + + <td></td> + + <td align="right">f 3 j.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Liq. Pomm: et Gr: '84</td> + + <td rowspan="2"><font size="+5">}</font></td> + + <td align="right" + rowspan="2">Oj 4</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aut Mo: et Chand: '84</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p><i>Fiat haust: sec: vel test: quâque horâ: extra horâ coenæ: + regulariter sumendum.</i></p> + + <p><i>Si opus sit</i>: Misce: aq: sodæ .. ʒ1/14.</p> + + <p><i>Misce: ot: grog: h.s.s. Si opus sit aut non.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>LITERARY GARDENING.—A Correspondent, signing himself + "STULTUS IN HORTU OR HORT-U-NOT?" writes, "Please, Sir, if my + boy JOHN plant 'a slip of a pen,' what will it come up?" + <i>Answer paid</i>—A Jonquill.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE QUEEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>From the Nation.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Queenly as womanly, those words that start</p> + + <p>From sorrow's lip strike home to sorrow's heart.</p> + + <p class="i2">Madam, our griefs are one;</p> + + <p>But yours, from kinship close and your high + place,</p> + + <p>The keener, mourning him in youth's glad grace</p> + + <p class="i2">Who loved you as a son.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We mourn him too. Our wreaths of votive flowers</p> + + <p>Speak, mutely, for us. The deep gloom that + lowers</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day across the land</p> + + <p>Is no mere pall of ceremonial grief.</p> + + <p>'Tis hard in truth, though reverent belief</p> + + <p class="i2">Bows to the chastening hand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hard—for his parents, that young bride, and + you,</p> + + <p>Bearer of much bereavement, woman true,</p> + + <p class="i2">And patriotic QUEEN!</p> + + <p>We hear the courage striking through the pain,</p> + + <p>As always in your long, illustrious reign,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which shrinking ne'er hath + seen,—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shrinking from high-strung duty, the brave way</p> + + <p>Of an imperial spirit. So to-day</p> + + <p class="i2">Your People bow—in pride.</p> + + <p>The sympathy of millions is your own.</p> + + <p>May Glory long be guardian of your Throne,</p> + + <p class="i2">Love ever at its side!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ENTIRELY UNSOLICITED + TESTIMONIAL.—<i>Dartmoor</i>.—Gentlemen,—Two + years ago I wrote somebody else's name with one of your pens. + Since then I have used no other.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours faithfully, A.F. ORGER.<br /> + "To Messrs. STEAL, KNIBBS & CO."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"LA GRIPPE."</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/61-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>("<i>I'm a devil! I'm a devil!" croaked Barnaby Rudge's + Raven 'Grip': And this is a raven-mad sort of + Edgar-Allan-Poem by Un qui est Grippé.</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once upon a midnight dreary</p> + + <p>Coming home I felt so weary,</p> + + <p>Felt, oh! many a pain; so curious,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which I'd never felt before.</p> + + <p>Then to bed,—no chance of napping,</p> + + <p>Blankets, rugs about me wrapping,</p> + + <p class="i2">Feverish burning pains galore.</p> + + <p>"Oh! I've got it! oh!" I muttered,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Influenza!! what a bore!!"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Only</i> + this!!—Oh!!—Nothing more!!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! my head and legs are aching!</p> + + <p>Now I'm freezing! Now I'm baking!</p> + + <p>Clockwork in my cerebellum!</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh! all over me I'm sore!</p> + + <p>In my bed I'm writhing, tossing,</p> + + <p>Yet I'm in a steamer, crossing.</p> + + <p>While KIRALFY's Venice bossing,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm "against" and RUSSELL "for"</p> + + <p>In a case about the <i>Echo</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Somewhere out at Singapore!</p> + + <p class="i2">It's delirium!!! Nothing more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then a Doctor comes in tapping</p> + + <p>Me all over, tapping, rapping.</p> + + <p>And with ear so close and curious</p> + + <p class="i2">Pressed to stethoscope, "Once more,"</p> + + <p>Says he, "sing out ninety-ninely,</p> + + <p>Now again! You do it finely!</p> + + <p>Yes! Not bigger than a wine lee,</p> + + <p class="i2">There's the mischief, there's the + <i>corps</i></p> + + <p>Of the insect that will kill us,</p> + + <p>Hiding there is the Bacillus;</p> + + <p class="i2">Only <i>that</i>, and nothing more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Why's he here with fear to fill us?</p> + + <p>Will he leave me, this Bacillus?</p> + + <p>Not one bone do I feel whole in,</p> + + <p class="i2">And of strength I've lost my store."</p> + + <p>Thus I to the Doctor talking,</p> + + <p>Ask "When shall I go out walking"?</p> + + <p>He, my earnest queries baulking,</p> + + <p class="i2">Says, "When all this trouble's o'er,"</p> + + <p>"Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday</p> + + <p class="i2">Friday? Saturday? Sunday? or</p> + + <p class="i2">In a week?" "Um!—not before."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Doctor!" cried I, "catch this evil</p> + + <p>Fiend! Bacillus!! Microbe!! devil!!</p> + + <p>Second syllable in Tem-pest!</p> + + <p class="i2">Send him to Plutonian Shore.</p> + + <p>Send him back to where he came from,</p> + + <p>To the place he gets his fame from,</p> + + <p>To the place he takes his name from;</p> + + <p class="i2">Kick him out of my front door!"</p> + + <p>So the Doctor feels my pulse, and,</p> + + <p class="i2">As I drop upon the floor,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quoth the Doctor, "Some days more."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/62.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62.png" + alt="'OUT IN THE COLD!'" /></a> + + <h3>"OUT IN THE COLD!"</h3> + + <p>"I AM LIKE A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW, WHO BEGINS TO + GET STIFF WHILE THE SNOWFLAKES COVER HIM."</p> + + <p class="author"><i>Speech of Prince Von Bismarck at + Friedrichsruhe.</i>]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <h2>"OUT IN THE COLD!"</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I am like a traveller lost in the snow, who begins to + get stiff and to sink down while the snowflakes cover him. + In fact, I am gradually losing interest in politics, but + the feeling, like that of the traveller sinking under the + snow, is a pleasant one."—<i>Prince Bismarck to the + Deputation of Leipsic Students</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>Excelsior</i>!" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The century was waning fast,</p> + + <p>As through a wintry waste there passed</p> + + <p>A man, who bore, 'mid snow and ice,</p> + + <p>A banner with the strange device,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His brows were blanched; his eye beneath</p> + + <p>Flashed like a falchion from its sheath;</p> + + <p>Red fields had heard his armour clang.</p> + + <p>But now he smiled and softly sang,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In barracks huge he saw the might</p> + + <p>Of mailed hosts arrayed for fight;</p> + + <p>Afar the fierce Frank bayonets shone,</p> + + <p>And from his lips escaped a moan,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Think of the Past!" the young men said,</p> + + <p>"Like SAUL you towered by the head</p> + + <p>Midst those three Titans, Prussia's pride!"</p> + + <p>Softly that once stern voice replied,</p> + + <p class="i10">"Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, stay," the young men cried, "and mix</p> + + <p>Once more in Teuton Politics!"</p> + + <p>"Nay," said the Titan, "I grow old,</p> + + <p>And, like poor TOM, I am a-cold!</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Beware the snow-encumbered branch!</p> + + <p>Beware the whelming avalanche!"</p> + + <p>"Thanks!" he replied. "I know, I know.</p> + + <p>But—well, I rather like the snow!</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Lost in the snow! An easy death!</p> + + <p>Gentle surcease of mortal breath!</p> + + <p>I sink, I stiffen, I'm foredone!</p> + + <p>The feeling though's a pleasant one;</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The traveller by his faithful hound</p> + + <p>Half-buried in the snow was found,</p> + + <p>Still muttering from a mouth of ice</p> + + <p>That banner's late and strange device,</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There in the snow-drift cold and grey,</p> + + <p>Silent, but stalwart, still he lay,</p> + + <p>Great "Blood-and-Iron," brave and bold,</p> + + <p>But—for the nonce—"Out in the Cold!"</p> + + <p class="i10">Excel no more?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PARLIAMENT IN SPORT;</h2> + + <h3><i>Or, A Meeting in Earnest.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Perhaps the popularity of the competition in national + sport between the different parts of the Empire is worthy + of the serious attention of statesmen ... Mr. ASTLEY COOPER + proposes rowing, running and cricket ... There is something + fascinating in the idea of such a Pan-Britannic + gathering."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The SPEAKER, having taken his seat in the Pavilion, the + Minister for Cricket rose to move the third reading of The + Six-balls-to-an-over Bill.</p> + + <p>The Right Hon. Gentleman said that the amount of time wasted + in changing sides, although the field did their best to + minimise the loss by assuming a couple of positions + alternately, was very serious—especially in a first-class + match.</p> + + <p>The Member for Melbourne begged to ask what <i>was</i> a + first-class match?</p> + + <p>The Member for Sydney replied, certainly not a match between + Canada and Victoria. (<i>Laughter.)</i> Now everyone was aware + that New South Wales—("<i>Question! Order! Order!")</i> + He begged pardon, he was in order.</p> + + <p>The SPEAKER. I really must request silence. The Minister for + Cricket is introducing a most important measure, and the least + we can do is to receive his statement with adequate attention. + (<i>General cheering</i>.)</p> + + <p>The Minister for Cricket continued, and said that the + measure he had the honour to commend to their careful + consideration would not only lengthen the over, but also allow + Cricket to be played all the year round.</p> + + <p>The Minister for Football begged to remind his Right Hon. + friend that he had promised to consider that matter in + Committee. What would become of Football were Cricket to be + played continuously? ("<i>Hear, hear</i>!")</p> + + <p>The Member for Bombay thought that a matter of no moment. In + India Polo was of infinitely more importance than Football, and + he could not help remarking that, in the Imperial Parliament, + representing so many sports, and so many Colonies, where every + great interest was represented, and well represented, Polo was + absolutely ignored. (<i>Cheers.)</i></p> + + <p>The Minister for Aquatic Sports agreed with the Hon. Member. + Polo was entirely of sufficient interest to warrant the + creation of a special department for its guardianship. But at + present he was responsible for it. He hoped soon to be able to + welcome a colleague who would make its interests his continual + study. ("<i>Hear, hear!</i>")</p> + + <p>The Minister for Cricket concluded by thanking the House for + the attention the Hon. Members had given to the subject, and + sat down amidst loud applause.</p> + + <p>A division being taken, the Bill was carried by 127 to 96. + The majority were composed of Australians and Canadians, and + the minority were Africans, Indians, and miscellaneous + Colonists. The House then adjourned.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63.png" + alt="TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS." /></a> + + <h3>TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS.</h3> + + <p><i>Elderly Dowager</i>. "Now, PERKINS, I REQUIRE YOUR + HONEST OPINION. DON'T YOU THINK THIS DRESS SUITS ME?"</p> + + <p><i>Perkins (who has been cautioned always to speak the + truth, on pain of losing her place, warily</i>). "OH YES, + MY LADY, IT SUITS YOUR LADYSHIP QUITE—AS ONE MAY + SAY—QUITE 'DOWN TO THE GROUND!'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XXV.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Near Torcello</i>. CULCHARD <i>and</i> + PODBURY <i>are seated side by side in the gondola, which is + threading its way between low banks, bright with clumps of + Michaelmas daisies and pomegranate-trees laden with red + fruit. Both</i> CULCHARD <i>and</i> PODBURY <i>are secretly + nervous and anxious for encouragement.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury</i> (<i>humming "In Old Madrid" with + sentiment</i>). La-doodle-um-La-doodle-oo: + La-doodle-um-te-dumpty-loodle-oo! I think she rather seemed to + like me—those first days at Brussels, don't + <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>absently</i>). Did she? I daresay. + (<i>Whistling "The Wedding March" softly</i>.) Few-fee; + di-fee-fee-few-few; few-fiddledy-fee-fiddledy-few-few-few-fee. + I fancy I'm right in my theory, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, I should say so—yes. <i>What</i> + theory?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). What theory? Why, the one + I've been explaining to you for the last ten + minutes!—that all this harshness of hers lately is + really, when you come to analyse it, a decidedly encouraging + symptom.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> But I shouldn't nave said Miss TROTTER was + exactly <i>harsh</i> to me—lately, at all events.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with impatience</i>). Miss TROTTER! You! + What an egotist you are, my dear fellow! I was referring to + myself and Miss PRENDERGAST. And you can't deny that, both at + Nuremberg and Constance, she—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with careless optimism</i>). Oh, + <i>she</i>'ll come round all right, never fear. I only wish I + was half as safe with Miss TROTTER!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>mollified</i>). Don't be too downhearted, + my dear PODBURY. I happen to know that she likes you—she + told me as much last night. Did Miss + PRENDERGAST—er—say anything to that effect about + <i>me</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Well,—not exactly, old chap—not to + me, at least. But I say, Miss TROTTER didn't tell you + <i>that</i>? Not <i>really</i>? Hooray! Then it's all + right—she may have me, after all!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>chillingly</i>). I should advise you not + to be over confident. (<i>A silence follows, which endures + until they reach the landing-steps at Torcello.</i>) They + <i>are</i> here, you see—those are evidently their + gondolas, I recognise those two cloaks. Now the best thing + <i>we</i> can do is to separate.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>springing out</i>). Right you are! (<i>To + himself.</i>) I'll draw the church first, and see if she's + there. (<i>Approaches the door of Santa Maria: a Voice within, + apparently reading aloud: "Six balls, or rather almonds, of + purple marble veined with white are set around the edge of the + pulpit, and form its only decoration"</i>) HYPATIA, by Jove! + Narrow shave that! [<i>He goes round to back.</i></p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>comes up to the door</i>). I know I shall + find her here. Lucky I know that Torcello chapter in "The + Stones" very nearly by heart! (<i>Reaches threshold. A Voice + within. "Well, I guess I'm going to climb up and sit in that + old amphitheatre there, and see how it feels!"</i>) Good + heavens,—<i>MAUD</i>! and I was as nearly as + possible—I think I'll go up to the top of the Campanile + and see if I can't discover where HYPATIA is.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He ascends the tower.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>In the Belfry.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>arriving breathless, and finding</i> + CULCHARD <i>craning eagerly forward</i>). Oh, so <i>you</i> + came up too? Well, can you <i>see</i> her?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Ssh! She's just turned the corner! + (<i>Vexed.</i>) She's with Miss TROTTER!... They're sitting + down on the grass below!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Together? That's a nuisance! Now we shall have + to wait till they separate—sure to squabble, sooner or + later.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s Voice</i> (<i>which is perfectly audible + above</i>). I guess we'll give RUSKIN a rest now, HYPATIA. I'm + dying for a talk. I'm just as enchanted as I can be to hear + you've dismissed Mr. PODBURY. And I expect you can guess + <i>why</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>in a whisper</i>). I say, CULCHARD, they're + going to talk about us. Ought we to listen, eh? Better let them + know we're here?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I really don't see any + necessity—however—(<i>Whistles feebly.</i>) + Feedy-feedy-feedle!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="'Hypatia, by Jove!'" /></a>"Hypatia, by Jove!" + </div> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> What is the use of fustling like that? + (<i>Yödels.</i>) Lul-li-ety!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> Well, my dear MAUD, I confess that + I—</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> It's quite impossible to make them hear down + there, and it's no fault of ours if their voices reach us + occasionally. And it <i>does</i> seem to me, PODBURY, that, in + a matter which may be of vital importance to me—to us + both—it would be absurd to be over-scrupulous. But of + course you will please yourself. <i>I</i> intend to remain + where I am.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[PODBURY <i>makes a faint-hearted attempt to go, but + ends by resigning himself to the situation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Now, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, don't tell + <i>me</i> you're not interested in him! And he's more real + suited to you than ever Mr. PODBURY was. Now, isn't that + <i>so</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>withdrawing his head</i>). Did you hear, + PODBURY? She's actually pleading for me! <i>Isn't</i> she an + angel? Be quiet, now. I must hear the answer!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> I—I don't know, really. But, MAUD, + I want to speak to you about—Somebody. You can't think + how he adores you, poor fellow! I have noticed it for a long + time.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>beaming</i>). CULCHARD! You heard? She's + putting in a word for me. What a brick that girl is!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> I guess he's pretty good at concealing + his feelings, then. He's been keeping far enough away!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> That was <i>my</i> fault. I <i>kept</i> + him by me. You see, I believed you had quite decided to accept + Mr. CULCHARD.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Well, it does strike me that, + considering he was adoring me all this time, he let himself be + managed tolerable easy.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[PODBURY <i>shakes his head in protestation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> Ah, but let me explain. I could only + keep him quiet by threatening to go home by myself, and dear + BOB is such a devoted brother that—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Brother! I say. CULCHARD, she can't be meaning + <i>BOB</i> all this time! She <i>can't</i>! Can she now?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> How on earth can <i>I</i> tell? If it is so, + you must be a philosopher, my dear fellow, and bear + it—that's all.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> That <i>does</i> alter the case, doesn't + it? And I may tell him there's some hope for him? You mustn't + judge him by what he is with his friend, Mr. PODBURY. BOB has + such a <i>much</i> stronger and finer character!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Oh well, if he couldn't stand up more on + his edge than Mr. PODBURY! Not that I mind Mr. PODBURY any, + there's no harm in him, but he's too real frivolous to amount + to much.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>collapsing</i>). Frivolous! From <i>her</i> + too! Oh, hang it <i>all</i>!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He buries his head in his hands with a + groan.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Well, see here, HYPATIA. I'll take your + brother on trial for a spell, to oblige you—there. I + cann't say more at present. And now—about the other. I + want to know just how you feel about him.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> The <i>other</i>!—that's Me! I wish to + goodness you wouldn't make all that noise, PODBURY, just when + it's getting interesting!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> (<i>very low</i>). What is the good? + Nothing will bring him back—<i>now</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Nothing? How little she knows me!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> I hope you don't consider <i>me</i> + nothing. And a word from me would bring him along pretty smart. + The only question is, whether I'm to say it or not?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> (<i>muffled</i>). Dar-ling!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I really think I might almost venture to go + down, now, eh, PODBURY? (<i>No answer.</i>) Selfish brute! + [<i>Indignantly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> But mind this—if he comes, you've + got to care for him the whole length of your boa—you + won't persuade him to run in couples with anybody else. That's + why he broke away the first time—and you were ever so mad + with me because you thought I was at the bottom of it. But it + was all his pride. He's too real independent to share chances + with anybody alive.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> How thoroughly she understands me!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> And I guess CHARLEY will grow out of the + great Amurrcan Novel in time—it's not going ever to grow + out of <i>him</i>, anyway!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>bewildered</i>). CHARLEY? I don't see why + she should mention VAN BOODELER <i>now</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> I like CHARLEY ever so much, and I'm not + going to have him cavort around along with a circus of suitors + under <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> vows. So, if I thought there + was any chance of—well, say Mr. CULCHARD—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.'s V.</i> (<i>indignant</i>). MAUD! how <i>can</i> + you? That odious hypocritical creature! If you knew how I + despised and—!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.'s V.</i> Well, my dear, he's pretty + paltry—but we'll let him go at that—I guess his + shares have gone down considerable all round.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> PODBURY, I—I—this conversation is + evidently not intended for—for other—ears. I don't + know whether <i>you</i> have heard enough, <i>I</i> shall go + down!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with a ghastly chuckle</i>). Like your + shares, eh, old chap? And mine too, for that matter. Well, + <i>I'm</i> ready enough to go. Only, for goodness' sake, let's + get away without being seen!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, + and out to the steps, where they re-embark. As their + gondola pushes off,</i> Mr. TROTTER <i>and</i> BOB + PRENDERGAST <i>appear from the Museum.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Why, land sakes! ain't that Mr. PODBURY and + Mr. CULCHARD? Hi! You ain't ever going away? There's my darter + and Miss HYPATIA around somewhere.—They'll be dreadful + disappointed to have missed you!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with an heroic attempt at cheeriness</i>). + We—we're awfully disappointed to have missed <i>them</i>, + Mr. TROTTER. Afraid we can't stop now! Goodbye!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>pulls his hat-brim over his eyes and makes + a sign to the gondoliers to get on quickly</i>; Mr. TROTTER + <i>comments with audible astonishment on their departure + to</i> BOB, <i>who preserves a discreet silence.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PALMY DAY AT ST. RAPHAEL.</h2> + + <p><i>Villa Magali.</i>—Delicious climate! STUART-RENDEL + says it "reminds him of Devonshire, without the damp." Mention + of Devonshire reminds <i>me</i> of the DUKE. Try to point out + to my friends that the Rossendale Election shows + conclusively—Curious! Friends all get up and go out! + Seems that ANDREW CLARKE specially told them I was to "avoid + all excitement, over-exertion, and talk about politics!" Wish + CLARKE would not be so unreasonable. <i>Must</i> talk about + Rossendale to somebody.</p> + + <p><i>Off to Hyères</i>—to see CHILDERS. Find CHILDERS + tolerably chatty. Doesn't seem to care so much about Rossendale + result as I should have expected. STUART-RENDEL comes to fetch + me. Ahem! Off.</p> + + <p><i>At Monte Carlo.</i>—Feel so well, have looked in + here. Meet WELLS, the "Champion Plunger." Asks me if I've got a + system; he's "been losing heavily, and would be glad of any + hint." Suggest his putting on the numbers of Rossendale + Majority. WELLS seems pleased at idea. Does so at once, and + loses 10,000 francs straight off. Meet him in grounds + afterwards, and try to explain real significance of Rossendale + election. WELLS disappears. Curious! <i>Can</i> ANDREW CLARKE + have got at WELLS?</p> + + <p><i>Golfe San Juan.</i>—French war-ships in Bay. + Admiral might like to know my views on Rossendale and politics + generally. Taken on board. Admiral much interested in MADEN's + victory. Admiral asks if it was the "<i>Grand Prix</i>" that + MADEN won? Find he thinks MADEN is a horse. Disappointing. + [<i>Query</i>—ANDREW CLARKE again?] Sent on shore in + boat, amid cheers from sailors. Gratifying.</p> + + <p><i>Back to St. Raphael.</i>—Tired, but on the whole + gratified with my day. Friends pained to hear what I've done, + and threaten to telegraph for Sir ANDREW! Shall pack up and + return. Letter from MORLEY begging me to stay where I am. Odd! + Can Sir ANDREW have got at JOHN MORLEY? Bed, and think it + over.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BROTHER BRUSH, A.R.A.—Stan' up, STANHOPE FORBES! and + receive our congratulations on your election. STAN-HOPE + deferred maketh the painter's 'art sick of waiting, and now A + FORBES, not <i>The</i> FORBES (which his name is JAMES STAATS, + C.L.C. & D.R., &c., &c.), but the STANHOPE + A-foresaid, has obtained his first grade. With what pleasure + will the Art-loving Chairman see his STANHOPE "on the line!" In + Burlington House, of course we mean, as elsewhere, the + situation would be one of no slight danger.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"PLEASED AS PUNCH."—A paragraph in the <i>D.T.</i> + informed <i>Mr. P.</i> and the public generally, that "Dr. + ROBSON ROOSE and Mr. ALLINGHAM are contented with Mr. EDWARD + LAWSON's progress." "If Box"—"And Cox"—"are + satisfied," then of all Mr. E.L.'s friends in front none will + be more delighted to hear of his complete recovery than his + neighbour, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, of 85, Fleet Street.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING NEW IN SOAP.—The Soap Trade is still + booming. Almost every week appears a fresh candidate for public + favour, its claim based upon some alluring speciality. We hear + of a newcomer likely to take the cake (of soap). On all the + walls, and in most of the advertisement columns, will presently + blaze forth its proud legend:—"The Satisfactory + Soap—Won't Wash Anything."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/65.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65.png" + alt="LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS." /></a> + + <h3>LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.</h3> + + <p>IN ORDER TO HUSBAND OUR JUDICIAL STAFF, IN FUTURE A + JUDGE WILL BE EXPECTED TO HEAR TWO CASES AT THE SAME + TIME.</p> + + <p>PORTRAIT OF A JUDGE TRYING A THEATRICAL "CAUSE CÉLÈBRE," + AND A NICE QUESTION AS TO A "REMAINDER-MAN" AND A "TENANT + IN TAIL MALE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HIGH (BEERBOHM) TREESON!</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I see that Mr. BEERBOHM TREE in his + recent production of <i>Hamlet</i> has introduced a novelty + into the tragedy by inventing fresh business. Unauthorised by + the text, he has included <i>Ophelia</i> amongst the Court + "attendants," and, finding her on the stage, has indulged in a + dignified flirtation (in dumb show), worthy of the hero of + <i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i> himself. Now I think this a great + improvement, and were the masterpiece to be "written up" + throughout on the same lines, I am sure the representation + would be received with enthusiasm. It might be that the + performance would be a little longer, but think of the enormous + gain in interest. To show you what I mean, I take the first + five lines of the opening Act:—</p> + + <h4>SHAKSPEARE'S VERSION.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE I.—<i>Elsinore. A Platform before the + Castle.</i> FRANCISCO <i>on his post. Enter to him</i> + BERNARDO.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Bernardo.</i> Who's there?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Francisco.</i> Nay answer me: stand and unfold + yourself!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This passage, furnished with proper business, might be + rendered the means of showing the sort of life led by + <i>Laertes</i>, justifying the advice subsequently given to him + by <i>Polonius</i> more appropriate to the conditions of the + case as now (for the first time) fully divulged, Thus—I + give my view of the matter:—</p> + + <h4>AMENDED VERSION.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE I.—<i>Elsinore. A Platform before the + Castle. As the Curtain rises, shouts and laughs are heard + without. A Village Maiden rushes in, as if pursued. She + hides herself behind the sentry-box, and then escapes.</i> + FRANCISCO, <i>who is on his post, looks about, and is + surrounded by Danish Gallants, who have come in pursuit of + the Maiden. He threatens them with his arms, and only one + remains, who seems overcome by wine. The intoxicated + Gallant is masked, and evidently very much the worse for + liquor. He clumsily draws his sword.</i> FRANCISCO <i>is + about to despatch him, when the mask falls, and in the + dissipated reveller the Sentry recognises the bloated + features of</i> LAERTES. <i>He immediately presents arms, + as</i> LAERTES <i>is his superior officer.</i> LAERTES, + <i>half-sobered by this suggestion of discipline, wishes to + retire unseen, and gives largesse to</i> FRANCISCO. <i>The + Sentry is greatly gratified, when to them enters</i> + BERNARDO.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Ber.</i> Who's there?</p> + + <p><i>Fran.</i> (<i>sheltering</i> LAERTES, <i>who stealthily + retires by a rope-ladder which falls from the battlements + to the moat below</i>). Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold + yourself!</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>By my version I really introduce a most interesting + underplot, which, in my opinion, is equally pleasing and quite + as defensible as Mr. BEERBOHM TREE's business with + <i>Ophelia</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + A STICKLER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>HUMAN NATURE.</h3><i>Jones has always professed the + greatest Indifference to (and contempt for) all Press + Criticisms on his Work (although he takes in all the + Papers).</i> <a href="images/66.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/66.png" + alt="HUMAN NATURE." /></a> + + <table summary="cartoon caption" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tr> + <td align="left">YET THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE + WHEN HIS NEW NOVEL WAS PRONOUNCED A WORK OF GENIUS + BY THE <i>UPPER TOOTING EXPRESS</i>.</td> + + <td> </td> + + <td align="left">AND THIS IS HOW HE APPEARED WHEN + THE <i>NORTH CLAPHAM GAZETTE</i> DISMISSED THAT + IMMORTAL BOOK AS A PIECE OF DRIVELLING SENILE + TWADDLE.</td> + + <td> </td> + + <td align="left">AND THIS IS THE WAY HE TREATS ALL + NEWSPAPERS, REVIEWS, PERIODICALS, &C., &C., + THAT LEAVE THE IMMORTAL BOOK UNNOTICED!</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL."</h2> + + <h3><i>A Lay of Modern London.</i></h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Arrangements have been made for great political + meetings in the Metropolis, at which the Liberal Leaders + will be the principal speakers.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HARCURTIUS of the triple chin, by the Nine Points he + swore</p> + + <p>The Capital should suffer from Tory sway no + more;</p> + + <p>By the Nine Points he swore it, and named a trysting + day,</p> + + <p>And bade his messengers ride forth east and west, + and south and north,</p> + + <p class="i10">To summon his array.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>East and west, and south and north the messengers + ride fast;</p> + + <p>From Kennington to Poplar they've heard the + trumpet's blast.</p> + + <p>Shame on the false Caucusian who loiters in his + Club</p> + + <p>When triple-chin'd HARCURTIUS prepares the foe to + drub!</p> + + <p>Too long the Capital hath borne the stubborn Tory + yoke,</p> + + <p>Too long the Liberals have failed to strike a + swashing stroke.</p> + + <p>Betrayed to Tory clutches by traitors shrewd and + strong,</p> + + <p>The banded foes have held it all too firmly and too + long.</p> + + <p>SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS have struck unholy + pact,</p> + + <p>Foes long in dubious seeming, but ever friends, in + fact,</p> + + <p>Devonian CAVENDUS, he of the broad and bovine + jowl,</p> + + <p>Who smiled but coldly ever, now on our cause doth + scowl.</p> + + <p>Cock-nosed CUBICULARIUS, once a Captain of our + host,</p> + + <p>Now chums with bland BALFOURIUS, and makes that bond + his boast.</p> + + <p>Oh, was there ever such a gang, so motley and so + mixed,</p> + + <p>To garrison a Citadel on which all hopes are + fixed?</p> + + <p>Oh, was there ever such a call to strike one mighty + blow,</p> + + <p>To snatch the Capital once more, and lay the + traitors low?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HARCURTIUS hurries onward, he waves the Grand Old + Flag,</p> + + <p>And when that banner flouts the breeze, what slave + so base as lag?</p> + + <p>GLADSTONIUS at his elbow,—not he the Old, the + Grand,—</p> + + <p>He shuns the fogs of winter in a far-off sunny + land,</p> + + <p>Nursing his force for the great fray that may right + soon come on,—</p> + + <p>This is not he of Hawarden, but the old hero's + son:</p> + + <p>There's OTTO, of the brindled beard, RUSSELLIUS + swift of tongue,</p> + + <p>RIPONIUS and LEFEVRIUS into the fray have flung.</p> + + <p>Sleek-haired STANSFELDUS also, MUNDELLA of the + Beak.</p> + + <p>That CORVUS of the legion, good both to fight and + speak,</p> + + <p>LEO PLAYFAIRIUS follows, and brave BANNERMANUS + bears</p> + + <p>The flag he's fond of flaunting, there gallant + AUCEPS dares</p> + + <p>All that becomes a hero, whilst last, but oh, not + least!</p> + + <p>KIMBERLEYUS fares forth to the fight as others to a + feast.</p> + + <p>"Now, up!" cried stout HARCURTIUS, "Up! and we yet + shall trap 'em!</p> + + <p>Kennington calls, and Hackney, with Fulham, too, and + Clapham.</p> + + <p>I hear the cry of Chelsea, Islington North and + West</p> + + <p>Raise wails that find an echo in this mail-covered + breast.</p> + + <p>Bermondsey and Whitechapel upraise a piteous + plaint:</p> + + <p>('Wy don't our 'eroes wisit <i>hus</i>? We looks and + there they ain't!')</p> + + <p>North Lambeth long neglected, and Wandsworth far + South-West,</p> + + <p>(If I know where these places be I wish I may be + blest!)</p> + + <p>Appeal to us for succour: then Peckham, gallant + Peckham,</p> + + <p>Makes a far cry from her famed Rye. O brethren, + shall we check 'em,</p> + + <p>These brave suburban stalwarts whose home is in the + waste</p> + + <p>Afar from Pall Mall portals, swell Clubs, and homes + of taste,</p> + + <p>But who have Votes, my brethren? Nay, shout ye men + of pith,</p> + + <p>And strike for pining Poplar and hapless + Hammersmith!"</p> + + <p>"Quite so!" cries 'cute MUNDELLA, the corvine chief + and conky,</p> + + <p>"But he who maketh too much noise may show himself a + donkey.</p> + + <p>The Capital seems quiet, Sir, the garrison is + still,</p> + + <p>Suppose we try that old Gaul game!" HARCURTIUS + cries, "I will!"</p> + + <p>Then silently and slowly, and all in single + file,</p> + + <p>They climb towards the Citadel. HARCURTIUS, with a + smile,</p> + + <p>Hath his head o'er the ramparts, when—Great + CÆSAR, what is this?</p> + + <p>They're greeted with one loud, prolonged, and + universal <i>hiss</i>!</p> + + <p>The sudden sibilation out of silence startles + all,</p> + + <p>HARCURTIUS clangs his buckler, OTTO nearly hath a + fall,</p> + + <p>"Great gods, the Geese are on us, those confounded + Sacred Geese,</p> + + <p>See their long necks, twig their broad beaks! Cease, + senile cacklers, cease!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So gaspeth great HARCURTIUS, but gaspeth all in + vain.</p> + + <p>The gaff is blown, the anserine guard gives tongue + with might and main.</p> + + <p>A stir, a tramp of mailèd feet, a torch-flare! + Whillaloo!</p> + + <p>"Say, is this MARCUS MANLIUS? No, hang it, there be + two,</p> + + <p>SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS, with a host, no doubt, + behind,</p> + + <p>They're on their guard, whate'er may chance, we + shall not 'catch 'em blind'</p> + + <p>Like gudgeon. No! there's not a chance of a surprise + by night;</p> + + <p>If the Gauls take the Citadel, ye gods, they'll have + to <i>fight</i>!"</p> + + <p>How history repeats itself! At least we must + agree,</p> + + <p>The Geese have roused the Capital? And <i>saved</i> + it? We shall see!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="THE ATTACK ON THE 'CAPITAL.'" /></a> + + <h3>THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="SO ARTLESS!" /></a> + + <h3>SO ARTLESS!</h3> + + <p>SCENE—<i>A Cinderella Dance.</i></p> + + <p><i>Swell</i> (<i>to ingenuous Maiden</i>). "ARE YOU + ENGAGED?"</p> + + <p><i>Ingenuous Maiden.</i> "NO—BUT—I SHOULD SO + LIKE TO BE!"</p>[<i>And, as the old game has it, the + consequences were ——!</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"COME HITHER, HUBERT!"</h2> + + <p>We are able to present our readers with a few notes of a + lecture to be given by Professor HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A. (by the + kind permission of AUTHOR PINERO, Esq.), to all managers, + actors, actresses, scene-painters, authors, composers, + musicians, costumiers, and wig-makers who will honour him with + their attention. On this occasion the Professor will (among + other things) explain, by the aid of a Magic Lantern (an + entirely new invention recently discovered by Professor H.H.) + how to enlighten the stage darkness generally. The Professor + will also combat the erroneous impression derived from the dark + ages of SHAKSPEARE's time, that the Moon, or the Man in + it,—probably a lime-lighterman,—ought servilely to + follow the movements, in order to throw light upon them, of the + Principal Performer. The Professor will observe—"Such a + course, on the part of the Direction of the Moon, can only be + considered beneficial to Art, when it is directed against 'The + Star System.' As each theatrical Star has its own particular + brilliancy, why lug in the Moon? SHAKSPEARE, no doubt, had the + Stage Moon in full view when he makes <i>Juliet</i> roundly + exclaim, 'Oh, swear not by the Moon, the inconstant Moon!' as, + of course, a Moon bound to illuminate the business of any one + actor must follow him about, and so, though 'constant' to + <i>him</i> individually, would be open to a general charge of + inconstancy from the spectators in front. Such a course for the + Moon to take is, as some of the better instructed among you may + possibly be aware, quite unwarranted by the lunar laws of + Nature, &c., &c."</p> + + <p>This interesting entertainment will wind up with a dialogue + between <i>Arthur</i> (JONES) and <i>Hubert</i> (HERKOMER), of + which we give an extract. It represents <i>Arthur</i> as + wishing to produce a piece, which <i>Hubert</i> forewarns him + will be a failure unless he (HUBERT) paints the scenery and + manages it generally.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Arthur.</i> Is there no remedy?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Hubert.</i> None, but to use <i>my</i> eyes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Arthur.</i> O HUBERT! If you will, cut down my + 'lengths.'</p> + + <p class="i2">And I'll be merry as the day is long,</p> + + <p class="i2">So you don't interfere. You've other irons</p> + + <p class="i2">Hot in the fire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Hubert</i> (<i>aside</i>). With his innocent + prate</p> + + <p class="i2">He will awake my mercy which lies dead.</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Aloud.</i>) Read this, young ARTHUR!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Gives him a Manuscript.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Arthur</i> (<i>opens it. Starts</i>). What! a + play by YOU!</p> + + <p class="i2">To be produced by <i>me</i>! O HUBERT!! + [<i>Faints.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>We regret that want of space prevents our giving any more of + this charming work at present, but no doubt it will not be long + ere the Public has the gratification of hearing and seeing it + all.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PARAGON FRAME (OF MIND).</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I never took anybody's umbrella."—<i>Plaintiff + (a Cook) in a recent Breach of Promise Case.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Common are Cooks, professed, plain alike</p> + + <p class="i2">And common, youths their sustenance who + feed on,</p> + + <p>Common (I'm told) a breach of promise suit,</p> + + <p class="i2">And common, damages, in courts agreed + on;</p> + + <p>Common are briefs as blackberries; and fees</p> + + <p class="i2">Are common quite as "leather and + prunella";</p> + + <p>Common are "unprotected" witnesses</p> + + <p>("<i>Credat</i>"—as HORACE somewhere + sings—"<i>Apella</i>!")</p> + + <p>But most uncommon seems a lowly Cook</p> + + <p>Who with sincerity can kiss the book</p> + + <p>And swear (to shame her betters!) ne'er she took</p> + + <p>By sad "mistake or otherwise," by hook;</p> + + <p>Or, as will eventuate, by crook,</p> + + <p class="i2">Be it silk or gingham—any one's + umbrella!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAM ON CURRENT POLITICS.—"Politics," says Mrs. + RAMSBOTHAM, "is one of the few things I know nothing about. But + it does seem to me that Lord GRANDOLPH CHURCHILL is a white + elephant tied round the neck of Lord SALISBURY."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"HEAVENS!"—Recently in the <i>Athenæum</i>, and copied + elsewhere, appeared the most interesting intelligence that has + been received on earth for some time. "The small planet No. + 315"—no further address is given, an omission which will, + no doubt, be rectified in the next issue—"which was + discovered at Nice by M. CHARLOIS on the 4th September, + 1891,"—the small planet, of course, not being out of the + nurse's arms, was not responsible for being at Nice at an + unfashionable time, but this, of course, is the fault of her + parents and guardians—"has been named Constantia." Rather + late to delay the christening for nearly five months. Of + course, the brilliant infant will not stay at Nice, except by + medical advice, but will probably return to No. 315, Milky Way + (or elsewhere), on the first opportunity. <i>Sic itur ad + astra</i>!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A STUDENT OF HISTORY" writes to us:—"Sir—I have + been reading a great deal lately on ecclesiastical subjects, + and shall be very much obliged if you will explain to me + briefly what 'Inclosed Orders' are." [If "A STUDENT" will send + us, under cover to our office, two P.O. Orders for two pounds + ten shillings each respectively, further explanation than that + conveyed by our receipt for the same will be + unnecessary.—ED.]</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A RIDDLE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm underneath your feet</p> + + <p>In the streets of London Town,</p> + + <p class="i2">From town take "t,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Then give it to me,</p> + + <p>And you'll sell me for a crown.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. R. AND THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC.—Our excellent + friend is now convalescent. "Like CÆSAR or CÆSAR's wife, I + forget which it was," she says, "I have passed the Barbican!" + Some one having suggested that probably she meant "the + Rubicon," Mrs. R. thanked him politely, but added, that she + perfectly well knew what she was talking about, and that + everyone who was acquainted with history would understand her + classical delusion.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PUZZLER FOR A COSTUMIER.—A Gentleman going to a Fancy + Dress Ball wants to know how he can make up for Lost Time?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NAMES for the next pair of Tailed Monkeys sent to the + Zoo—"Mr. and Mrs. CAUDAL."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>N.B.—"Confessions of a Duffer," No. IV., next + week.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/70.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70.png" + alt="<h3>SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER <i>NOT</i> TO STICK TO HIS LAST.</h3>" /> + </a> + + <h3>SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER + <i>NOT</i> TO STICK TO HIS LAST.</h3> + + <p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I REMEMBER YOUR ACTING '<i>SIR + ANTHONY,' YEARS</i> AGO, WHEN I WAS A GIRL, SIR CHARLES! + YOU DID IT SPLENDIDLY!"</p> + + <p><i>The Great Mathematician.</i> "AH, WOULD YOU BELIEVE + IT, THAT BIT OF ACTING BROUGHT ME MORE COMPLIMENTS THAN + ANYTHING I EVER DID?"</p> + + <p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I SHOULD <i>THINK</i> SO, + INDEED!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TRUE AND TRUSTY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of the Law.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I always liked LAWRENCE LUCKAPENNY, and shall never forget + the first time I met him. He was leaving the County Court, + where I had had myself a small matter of business, and knowing + the same Counsel, we foregathered. He was in great spirits. He + had just won his case.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said he, "it was a hard fight, but we came off all + right. His Honour was distinctly in our favour, so now I and my + co-trustees will have the satisfaction of feeling that the + estate has benefited, with no greater loss than a few months' + delay. Eh?" and he turned to our Counsel, who smiled, and shook + his head a little doubtfully.</p> + + <p>"Can scarcely go so far as that," the man of law observed. + "You see, these matters take time, and the other side may + appeal."</p> + + <p>"Appeal! What is that?"</p> + + <p>"I am afraid you will have the full opportunity for + learning, my dear fellow."</p> + + <p>"Well, it's all right up to now," cried LUCKAPENNY, + cheerfully, and we separated.</p> + + <p>Two or three years after this I again met the litigant, but + this time in the Royal Courts of Justice. There were streaks of + white in his hair, but he was still cheerful.</p> + + <p>I asked him how he was getting on with the matter, and he + replied, "As well as might be expected." Our Counsel had been + right, for the liquidators had appealed.</p> + + <p>"But we have beaten them again, my dear Sir! Think of + that,—beaten them again!"</p> + + <p>"And now you will have no further difficulty, I + suppose."</p> + + <p>"I can't go quite so far as that," returned LUCKAPENNY, who + I noticed was adopting legal phraseology. "You know they may + take us up to the House of Lords, if they please!"</p> + + <p>And again time went on. In the course of years I found that + poor LUCKAPENNY <i>had</i> been taken to Westminster, and their + Lordships had decided to give themselves time to consider their + judgment.</p> + + <p>When I met LUCKAPENNY again, the House of Lords had decided + against him.</p> + + <p>"It is very awkward," he observed, "they will not allow my + costs, and so I shall have to pay them out of my own pocket! + And what makes it the more annoying is that, even had we won + our cause, it would have led to nothing, as the estate we were + fighting is practically bankrupt."</p> + + <p>I offered my condolences, and we separated.</p> + + <p>The last time, I saw poor LUCKAPENNY, he looked a very + shadow of himself. He was haggard and thin, and was wearing + clothes of an ancient cut and threadbare material. He smiled as + he met me, and observed that he was still engaged on the trust + matter.</p> + + <p>"But I have come to the last stage," he said; "I have paid + the costs in full. And now I am going home."</p> + + <p>"Going home," I repeated, and noticing that he seemed + feeble, offered him the support of my arm. "I will walk as far + as your residence."</p> + + <p>"You are very good," he replied, "but I am afraid that I + cannot ask you to come in."</p> + + <p>"Never mind that; but where do you live?"</p> + + <p>"Where should I live after a lawsuit?" he returned, with a + short laugh. "Why, in the Workhouse, to be sure—in the + Workhouse!"</p> + + <p>And as a ratepayer, I have assisted to support him ever + since!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A MENU FROM BIRMINGHAM.</h2> + + <h4>POTAGES.</h4> + + <center> + Duchesse. + </center> + + <center> + Consommé de Déluge à l'Après Moi. + </center> + + <h4>POISSONS.</h4> + + <center> + Hors d'Eau à l'Appât convenable. + </center> + + <center> + Crevettes à l'Envie. + </center> + + <h4>ENTRÉES.</h4> + + <center> + Petits Programmes à la Robe de Joseph. + </center> + + <center> + Filets de Vis, Sauce Monopole. + </center> + + <center> + Pattes de Matou aux Griffes. + </center> + + <h4>RÔTS.</h4> + + <center> + Moi Même. + </center> + + <center> + Dinde Fidèle de Jessé. + </center> + + <h4>LÉGUMES.</h4> + + <center> + Orchis en Boutonnière. + </center> + + <center> + Hartijo Sauce Soumission. + </center> + + <h4>RELEVÉS.</h4> + + <center> + Monocle. + </center> + + <center> + Salmi de Paires Filants aux Lis. + </center> + + <h4>ENTREMETS.</h4> + + <center> + Gâteau Rossendale. + </center> + + <center> + Conserves d'Église Galloise. + </center> + + <center> + Boudin de Labouchère à la Lanterne. + </center> + + <h4>DESSERT.</h4> + + <center> + Bonbons de Famille. + </center> + + <center> + Hameçons de Flatterie. + </center> + + <center> + Oublis. + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN STATU,—QUO?</h2> + + <p>Should CROMWELL have a statue at Westminster was a burning + question some years ago. We all know the result, and nowadays, + who cares? At present, the question at Oxford is, Shall + Cardinal NEWMAN have a statue? and, if so, Shall it be just + opposite the Martyrs' Memorial? From one point of view, the + situation is happily selected, as, of course, NEWMAN was on + just exactly opposite ground to CRANMER, RIDLEY, and LATIMER. + The Oxford Dons are right in supposing that no statue can be + erected without a previous design; a design by a hand that has + not lost its cunning. The proposed site is in Broad Street, a + very suggestive name as opposed to narrowness of any sort; yet + so eager are the illogical Dons in the matter of preservation + of spaces, that before even the base of a clay model has been + commenced, they have already prepared the ground for the + reception of the statue by getting up any amount of railing + about the proposed site!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/71.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71.png" + alt="'WAKING-UP' FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION." /> + </a> + + <h3>"WAKING-UP" FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. X.—TO CROOKEDNESS.</h3> + + <p>OBLIQUE, BUT FORMIDABLE ONE,</p> + + <p>You have frequently fixed your abode in high places. Are + there not recorded in history the names of kings and statesmen + whom an irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and + overreach, has brought to the block? The times were + difficult—that much one may admit. Noble heads of + honourable and upright men were lopped in profusion; and it may + be argued, with some show of reason, that the man whose + character was as flawless as pure crystal, was like to fare as + badly as the muddiest rascal of them all, if his side sank in + defeat. And yet I cannot help believing that, in some cases at + least, a man might have had a happier end if he had abstained + from acts of political turpitude, which were as irrational in + their conception as they were ruinous in their effect; acts, + that is, which, in the existing circumstances, no sane man + could have undertaken unless the mere doing of these rogueries + had been a supreme and a necessary pleasure to him. There was + poor CHARLES THE FIRST. Surely, in spite of that melancholy, + doomed face, he might have died in peace if he had only played + the game fairly. JAMES THE SECOND, too, and MARLBOROUGH, the + greatest Captain of his age, and BOLINGBROKE, the eloquent + philosophiser, the grave moralist, how different might their + ends have been had not you, O CROOKEDNESS, presided at their + births, and ruled their lives. But, avaunt, History! Here I am + straying into a treatise, when I merely intended to remind you + of little PETER SHEEF, and of his adventures.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/72.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>PETER and I were freshmen together at Cambridge in the + remote past before "Johnnies," and "Chappies," and "Mashers" + had been heard of, before the "oof bird" had been fledged in + its pink and sporting nest, or the Egyptian cigarette had + asserted its universal sway. I daresay we differed but little + (by "we" I mean the freshmen of our year) from those who have + lately appeared for the first time in King's Parade, or Jesus + Lane. We were very young—we imagined Proctors to be + destitute of human feeling; we ate portentous breakfasts of + many courses, and, for the most part, treated our allowances as + though they had been so much pocket-money. Also we had an idea + that a man who had passed his thirtieth year was absurdly old, + and that nobody could be called a boy whose name had been + entered on the books of a College. In fact, we were + freshmen.</p> + + <p>PETER and I were a good deal thrown together during our + first term. Like me, he had come up from one of the smaller + schools, and we had not, therefore, a very large number of + friends to start with. PETER was one of the pleasantest fellows + in the world, always cheerful, good-tempered, and obliging. He + always seemed to have plenty of money. Indeed, I know that his + father made him an allowance of £800 a year, a sum which was + considerably more than double that received by the majority of + his fellows. The parental SHEEF I have since discovered was a + Solicitor, who had made his mark and his fortune by the crafty + defence of shady financiers in distress, of bogus company + promoters, and generally of the great race who live in the + narrow border-land which divides the merely disreputable from + the positively indictable. But at that time I didn't trouble my + head to inquire about PETER's father, and was content as most + Undergraduates are, to take my friends as I thought I found + them. PETER was musical; he played several instruments with + skill, and sang a capital song. With all these qualities, he + soon became, to a certain extent, popular. He then set up as a + giver of good and expensive dinners, kept a couple of horses in + the hunting season, devoted great attention to his dress, and + made himself unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our + miniature world. In his second year he had gained a position; + most people spoke well of him, and liked him. It only rested + with PETER himself to maintain what he had gained, and to enter + on life with troops of friends. A few moments of purposeless + folly were sufficient to shatter him.</p> + + <p>I remember that in my first term I was not very agreeably + impressed by something that PETER did. A dog-fancier happened + to come through the street in which we both lodged, and PETER + began to bargain with him for a fox-terrier, who, according to + the fancier's account, had a pedigree as long and as + illustrious as that of a Norman Peer. Eventually it had been + agreed that the dog was to become PETER's property in + consideration of thirty shillings in cash, a pair of trousers, + and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made, and the man + departed. Thereupon PETER informed me with glee, that the + trousers were a pair of his father's, which had been packed in + his portmanteau by mistake, and that the brandy-bottle + contained about fifty per cent. of water, that amount of brandy + having been poured off before payment was made. As PETER put + it, "I've done him in the eye, to prevent him doing me." I + tried in vain to bring him round to the opinion that (let alone + robbing one's father) cheating a cheat was one of the lowest + forms of roguery. The dog-fancier soon afterwards returned, and + protested, with tears in his eyes, that the shabby trick had + wounded him in his tenderest feelings, but he seemed quite + willing to begin a fresh bargain with "the only gen'lemen, + s'help me, as ever bested pore little ALEC."</p> + + <p>All this is, however, by the way. I merely mention it to + illustrate PETER's character. At the University Steeple-Chase + Meeting, which took place at the end of our third October term, + SHEEF had entered his animals for several races. He was a good + rider, and confidently anticipated success. To celebrate the + occasion, he had arranged a big dinner-party, and had invited + some twenty of us to dine with him. I had been unable to go to + the races myself, but at the appointed hour I turned up at + SHEEF's rooms. I found the table brilliantly laid, waiters + hanging about, and dozens of Champagne in readiness. SHEEF was + there, but, beside myself, no other guest had appeared. And not + a single one came. I forget what excuse the miserable host + made, but the result was that we two solemnly dined at a table + laid for ten times our number. I think I shall remember that + ghastly festivity as long as I live. The next day all Cambridge + knew that SHEEF had not only pulled one of his horses openly + and disgracefully, but had wilfully misled both his friends and + the book-makers as to the horse he intended to ride in a race + for which entries were made at the post. I never heard that he + stood to win more than £50 by the transaction. And for this + paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man of his means) he had + wrecked his reputation, and all the possibilities of his + career.</p> + + <p>I see him slinking about London sometimes. Last year he + passed, with much discredit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He + has been a Director of countless Companies, for the stock of + fools seems to be inexhaustible. There can only be one end for + such a man as SHEEF. The cool, callous, and calculating knave + may get clear through to the end; but SHEEF always was stupidly + good-natured, and good-nature hangs like a millstone round the + neck of rascality. I cannot myself detest him as I ought to do. + He was so near to completely successful respectability. But + crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better wishes. Was it + altogether his own fault?</p> + + <p>That, as Mr. BRET HARTE observes, lets me out.</p> + + <p class="author">I remain as before, DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Dangerous Title.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>To Mr. Joseph Hatton, Author of "Cigarette + Papers."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Cigarette Papers, JOSEPH, when properly stuffed,</p> + + <p>Are meant, I suppose, to be zealously puffed.</p> + + <p>When we take them in hand, a consuming desire</p> + + <p>Attacks us to set the gay trifles on fire.</p> + + <p>Yet, the brand being good (here's the point of my + joke),</p> + + <p>They are always enjoyed ere they vanish in + smoke.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM AN X.J.P. TO LORD CHIEF JUSTICE + PUNCH.—Sir,—Why complain of "the Licence of the + Bar?" Of course it goes with, and is a part of, every Licence + to a Public-house granted by the Middlesex Magistrates. I've + retired some years myself, am a bit deaf, and don't read much; + but I heard just enough to warrant me in writing to you at once + on what appears to me so simple a matter.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT SHALLOW, X.J.P., M.M.</p> + + <p><i>At the Sign of the Pig and Pippin.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>TO THE FUTURE A.R.A.—Better luck next time, Mr. SWAN. + Be satisfied that, though at present unelected, you are Swan, + R.A., <i>i.e.</i>, <i>Rara Avis</i>. As you can plume yourself + on this, so "<i>in hoc Cygno, vinces!</i>" Which we caninecally + and not canonically for the nonce nonce-sensically render, "In + this (matter), to the Swan (we say) you will (go in and) + win!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, February 6, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14341-h.htm or 14341-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/4/14341/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, February 6, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 13, 2004 [EBook #14341] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +February 6, 1892. + + + + +[Illustration: "A GOOD STAYER." + +THE DEALER SAID, "THE MARE COULD STAY FOR EVER." SHE SEEMED INCLINED +TO DO SO WHEN JONES WISHED TO BE AFTER THE HOUNDS.] + + * * * * * + +RECEIPT AGAINST INFLUENZA. + +DEAR SIR,--I send you this gratis. It is for everybody's benefit, + +Yours. GEORGE GUZZLETON, X.M.D. + +P.S.--I give "_Coenae prescriptionem_" only, as the "_Prescrip: +prandialis_" can be taken out of this with variations. + + Ostr: frigid: 11/2 doz. + Pisc: anima: locus aut quid: ali: [=a][=a][=a] xvi [dram] + Cum: pom: terr: fervesc: f 8[dram] + Ad Hoc: bib: sextarium 1/2 mx. + Ovem: torrid: [ounce]ss. + virides: ad. lib. + Per: dix: anas: agrestis: } f[dram]ij. + Condim: pan: aut aliquid: } fvijss. + Prunosus: botulus: [=a][=a]f [dram]vj. + Condim: prand: aut lact: Devonii: f 3 j. + + Liq. Pomm: et Gr: '84 } + Aut Mo: et Chand: '84 } Oj 4 + +_Fiat haust: sec: vel test: quaque hora: extra hora coenae: regulariter +sumendum._ + +_Si opus sit_: Misce: aq: sodae .. [dram]1/14. + +_Misce: ot: grog: h.s.s. Si opus sit aut non._ + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GARDENING.--A Correspondent, signing himself "STULTUS IN +HORTU OR HORT-U-NOT?" writes, "Please, Sir, if my boy JOHN plant 'a +slip of a pen,' what will it come up?" _Answer paid_--A Jonquill. + + * * * * * + +TO THE QUEEN. + +(_FROM THE NATION._) + + Queenly as womanly, those words that start + From sorrow's lip strike home to sorrow's heart. + Madam, our griefs are one; + But yours, from kinship close and your high place, + The keener, mourning him in youth's glad grace + Who loved you as a son. + + We mourn him too. Our wreaths of votive flowers + Speak, mutely, for us. The deep gloom that lowers + To-day across the land + Is no mere pall of ceremonial grief. + 'Tis hard in truth, though reverent belief + Bows to the chastening hand. + + Hard--for his parents, that young bride, and you, + Bearer of much bereavement, woman true, + And patriotic QUEEN! + We hear the courage striking through the pain, + As always in your long, illustrious reign, + Which shrinking ne'er hath seen,-- + + Shrinking from high-strung duty, the brave way + Of an imperial spirit. So to-day + Your People bow--in pride. + The sympathy of millions is your own. + May Glory long be guardian of your Throne, + Love ever at its side! + + * * * * * + +ENTIRELY UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIAL.--_Dartmoor_.--Gentlemen,--Two years +ago I wrote somebody else's name with one of your pens. Since then I +have used no other. + +Yours faithfully, A.F. ORGER. "To Messrs. STEAL, KNIBBS & CO." + + * * * * * + +"LA GRIPPE." + +[Illustration] + + ("_I'm a devil! I'm a devil!" croaked Barnaby Rudge's Raven + 'Grip': And this is a raven-mad sort of Edgar-Allan-Poem by Un + qui est Grippe._) + + Once upon a midnight dreary + Coming home I felt so weary, + Felt, oh! many a pain; so curious, + Which I'd never felt before. + Then to bed,--no chance of napping, + Blankets, rugs about me wrapping, + Feverish burning pains galore. + "Oh! I've got it! oh!" I muttered, + "Influenza!! what a bore!!" + _Only_ this!!--Oh!!--Nothing more!! + + Oh! my head and legs are aching! + Now I'm freezing! Now I'm baking! + Clockwork in my cerebellum! + Oh! all over me I'm sore! + In my bed I'm writhing, tossing, + Yet I'm in a steamer, crossing. + While KIRALFY's Venice bossing, + I'm "against" and RUSSELL "for" + In a case about the _Echo_, + Somewhere out at Singapore! + It's delirium!!! Nothing more. + + Then a Doctor comes in tapping + Me all over, tapping, rapping. + And with ear so close and curious + Pressed to stethoscope, "Once more," + Says he, "sing out ninety-ninely, + Now again! You do it finely! + Yes! Not bigger than a wine lee, + There's the mischief, there's the _corps_ + Of the insect that will kill us, + Hiding there is the Bacillus; + Only _that_, and nothing more!" + + "Why's he here with fear to fill us? + Will he leave me, this Bacillus? + Not one bone do I feel whole in, + And of strength I've lost my store." + Thus I to the Doctor talking, + Ask "When shall I go out walking"? + He, my earnest queries baulking, + Says, "When all this trouble's o'er," + "Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday + Friday? Saturday? Sunday? or + In a week?" "Um!--not before." + + "Doctor!" cried I, "catch this evil + Fiend! Bacillus!! Microbe!! devil!! + Second syllable in Tem-pest! + Send him to Plutonian Shore. + Send him back to where he came from, + To the place he gets his fame from, + To the place he takes his name from; + Kick him out of my front door!" + So the Doctor feels my pulse, and, + As I drop upon the floor, + Quoth the Doctor, "Some days more." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT IN THE COLD!" + +"I AM LIKE A TRAVELLER LOST IN THE SNOW, WHO BEGINS TO GET STIFF WHILE +THE SNOWFLAKES COVER HIM." + +_Speech of Prince Von Bismarck at Friedrichsruhe._] + + * * * * * + +"OUT IN THE COLD!" + + ["I am like a traveller lost in the snow, who begins to get + stiff and to sink down while the snowflakes cover him. In + fact, I am gradually losing interest in politics, but the + feeling, like that of the traveller sinking under the snow, + is a pleasant one."--_Prince Bismarck to the Deputation of + Leipsic Students_.] + +AIR--"_Excelsior_!" + + The century was waning fast, + As through a wintry waste there passed + A man, who bore, 'mid snow and ice, + A banner with the strange device, + Excel no more! + + His brows were blanched; his eye beneath + Flashed like a falchion from its sheath; + Red fields had heard his armour clang. + But now he smiled and softly sang, + Excel no more! + + In barracks huge he saw the might + Of mailed hosts arrayed for fight; + Afar the fierce Frank bayonets shone, + And from his lips escaped a moan, + Excel no more! + + "Think of the Past!" the young men said, + "Like SAUL you towered by the head + Midst those three Titans, Prussia's pride!" + Softly that once stern voice replied, + "Excel no more!" + + "Oh, stay," the young men cried, "and mix + Once more in Teuton Politics!" + "Nay," said the Titan, "I grow old, + And, like poor TOM, I am a-cold! + Excel no more!" + + "Beware the snow-encumbered branch! + Beware the whelming avalanche!" + "Thanks!" he replied. "I know, I know. + But--well, I rather like the snow! + Excel no more!" + + "Lost in the snow! An easy death! + Gentle surcease of mortal breath! + I sink, I stiffen, I'm foredone! + The feeling though's a pleasant one; + Excel no more!" + + The traveller by his faithful hound + Half-buried in the snow was found, + Still muttering from a mouth of ice + That banner's late and strange device, + Excel no more! + + There in the snow-drift cold and grey, + Silent, but stalwart, still he lay, + Great "Blood-and-Iron," brave and bold, + But--for the nonce--"Out in the Cold!" + Excel no more? + + * * * * * + +PARLIAMENT IN SPORT; + +_OR, A MEETING IN EARNEST._ + + ["Perhaps the popularity of the competition in national sport + between the different parts of the Empire is worthy of the + serious attention of statesmen ... Mr. ASTLEY COOPER proposes + rowing, running and cricket ... There is something fascinating + in the idea of such a Pan-Britannic gathering."--_Daily + Paper_.] + +The SPEAKER, having taken his seat in the Pavilion, the Minister for +Cricket rose to move the third reading of The Six-balls-to-an-over +Bill. + +The Right Hon. Gentleman said that the amount of time wasted in +changing sides, although the field did their best to minimise the +loss by assuming a couple of positions alternately, was very +serious--especially in a first-class match. + +The Member for Melbourne begged to ask what _was_ a first-class match? + +The Member for Sydney replied, certainly not a match between Canada +and Victoria. (_Laughter.)_ Now everyone was aware that New South +Wales--("_Question! Order! Order!")_ He begged pardon, he was in +order. + +The SPEAKER. I really must request silence. The Minister for Cricket +is introducing a most important measure, and the least we can do is to +receive his statement with adequate attention. (_General cheering_.) + +The Minister for Cricket continued, and said that the measure he had +the honour to commend to their careful consideration would not only +lengthen the over, but also allow Cricket to be played all the year +round. + +The Minister for Football begged to remind his Right Hon. friend +that he had promised to consider that matter in Committee. What would +become of Football were Cricket to be played continuously? ("_Hear, +hear_!") + +The Member for Bombay thought that a matter of no moment. In India +Polo was of infinitely more importance than Football, and he could +not help remarking that, in the Imperial Parliament, representing so +many sports, and so many Colonies, where every great interest was +represented, and well represented, Polo was absolutely ignored. +(_Cheers.)_ + +The Minister for Aquatic Sports agreed with the Hon. Member. Polo was +entirely of sufficient interest to warrant the creation of a special +department for its guardianship. But at present he was responsible for +it. He hoped soon to be able to welcome a colleague who would make its +interests his continual study. (_"Hear, hear!"_) + +The Minister for Cricket concluded by thanking the House for the +attention the Hon. Members had given to the subject, and sat down +amidst loud applause. + +A division being taken, the Bill was carried by 127 to 96. The +majority were composed of Australians and Canadians, and the minority +were Africans, Indians, and miscellaneous Colonists. The House then +adjourned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUTHFUL BUT NOT CONSCIENTIOUS. + +_Elderly Dowager_. "Now, PERKINS, I REQUIRE YOUR HONEST OPINION. DON'T +YOU THINK THIS DRESS SUITS ME?" + +_Perkins (who has been cautioned always to speak the truth, on pain of +losing her place, warily_). "OH YES, MY LADY, IT SUITS YOUR LADYSHIP +QUITE--AS ONE MAY SAY--QUITE 'DOWN TO THE GROUND!'"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XXV. + + SCENE--_Near Torcello. CULCHARD and PODBURY are seated + side by side in the gondola, which is threading its way + between low banks, bright with clumps of Michaelmas daisies + and pomegranate-trees laden with red fruit. Both CULCHARD + and PODBURY are secretly nervous and anxious for + encouragement._ + +_Podbury_ (_humming "In Old Madrid" with sentiment_). +La-doodle-um-La-doodle-oo: La-doodle-um-te-dumpty-loodle-oo! I think +she rather seemed to like me--those first days at Brussels, don't +_you_? + +_Culchard_ (_absently_). Did she? I daresay. (_Whistling "The +Wedding March" softly_.) Few-fee; di-fee-fee-few-few; +few-fiddledy-fee-fiddledy-few-few-few-fee. I fancy I'm right in my +theory, eh? + +_Podb._ Oh, I should say so--yes. _What_ theory? + +_Culch._ (_annoyed_). What theory? Why, the one I've been explaining +to you for the last ten minutes!--that all this harshness of hers +lately is really, when you come to analyse it, a decidedly encouraging +symptom. + +_Podb._ But I shouldn't nave said Miss TROTTER was exactly _harsh_ to +me--lately, at all events. + +_Culch._ (_with impatience_). Miss TROTTER! You! What an egotist you +are, my dear fellow! I was referring to myself and Miss PRENDERGAST. +And you can't deny that, both at Nuremberg and Constance, she-- + +_Podb._ (_with careless optimism_). Oh, _she_'ll come round all right, +never fear. I only wish I was half as safe with Miss TROTTER! + +_Culch._ (_mollified_). Don't be too downhearted, my dear PODBURY. I +happen to know that she likes you--she told me as much last night. Did +Miss PRENDERGAST--er--say anything to that effect about _me_? + +_Podb._ Well,--not exactly, old chap--not to me, at least. But I say, +Miss TROTTER didn't tell you _that_? Not _really_? Hooray! Then it's +all right--she may have me, after all! + +_Culch._ (_chillingly_). I should advise you not to be over confident. +(_A silence follows, which endures until they reach the landing-steps +at Torcello._) They _are_ here, you see--those are evidently their +gondolas, I recognise those two cloaks. Now the best thing _we_ can do +is to separate. + +_Podb._ (_springing out_). Right you are! (_To himself._) I'll draw +the church first, and see if she's there. (_Approaches the door of +Santa Maria: a Voice within, apparently reading aloud: "Six balls, or +rather almonds, of purple marble veined with white are set around the +edge of the pulpit, and form its only decoration"_) HYPATIA, by Jove! +Narrow shave that! [_He goes round to back._ + +_Culch._ (_comes up to the door_). I know I shall find her here. Lucky +I know that Torcello chapter in "The Stones" very nearly by heart! +(_Reaches threshold. A Voice within. "Well, I guess I'm going to climb +up and sit in that old amphitheatre there, and see how it feels!"_) +Good heavens,--_MAUD_! and I was as nearly as possible--I think I'll +go up to the top of the Campanile and see if I can't discover where +HYPATIA is. + + [_He ascends the tower._ + + _In the Belfry._ + +_Podb._ (_arriving breathless, and finding CULCHARD craning eagerly +forward_). Oh, so _you_ came up too? Well, can you _see_ her? + +_Culch._ Ssh! She's just turned the corner! (_Vexed._) She's with Miss +TROTTER!... They're sitting down on the grass below! + +_Podb._ Together? That's a nuisance! Now we shall have to wait till +they separate--sure to squabble, sooner or later. + +_Miss T.'s Voice_ (_which is perfectly audible above_). I guess we'll +give RUSKIN a rest now, HYPATIA. I'm dying for a talk. I'm just as +enchanted as I can be to hear you've dismissed Mr. PODBURY. And I +expect you can guess _why_. + +_Podb._ (_in a whisper_). I say, CULCHARD, they're going to talk about +us. Ought we to listen, eh? Better let them know we're here? + +_Culch._ I really don't see any necessity--however--(_Whistles +feebly._) Feedy-feedy-feedle! + +[Illustration: "Hypatia, by Jove!"] + +_Podb._ What is the use of fustling like that? (_Yoedels._) Lul-li-ety! + +_Miss P.'s V._ Well, my dear MAUD, I confess that I-- + +_Culch._ It's quite impossible to make them hear down there, and it's +no fault of ours if their voices reach us occasionally. And it +_does_ seem to me, PODBURY, that, in a matter which may be of +vital importance to me--to us both--it would be absurd to be +over-scrupulous. But of course you will please yourself. _I_ intend to +remain where I am. + + [_PODBURY makes a faint-hearted attempt to go, but ends by + resigning himself to the situation._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ Now, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, don't tell _me_ you're not +interested in him! And he's more real suited to you than ever Mr. +PODBURY was. Now, isn't that _so_? + +_Culch._ (_withdrawing his head_). Did you hear, PODBURY? She's +actually pleading for me! _Isn't_ she an angel? Be quiet, now. I must +hear the answer! + +_Miss P.'s V._ I--I don't know, really. But, MAUD, I want to speak to +you about--Somebody. You can't think how he adores you, poor fellow! I +have noticed it for a long time. + +_Podb._ (_beaming_). CULCHARD! You heard? She's putting in a word for +me. What a brick that girl is! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I guess he's pretty good at concealing his feelings, +then. He's been keeping far enough away! + +_Miss P.'s V._ That was _my_ fault. I _kept_ him by me. You see, I +believed you had quite decided to accept Mr. CULCHARD. + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, it does strike me that, considering he was +adoring me all this time, he let himself be managed tolerable easy. + + [_PODBURY shakes his head in protestation._ + +_Miss P.'s V._ Ah, but let me explain. I could only keep him quiet +by threatening to go home by myself, and dear BOB is such a devoted +brother that-- + +_Podb._ Brother! I say. CULCHARD, she can't be meaning _BOB_ all this +time! She _can't_! Can she now? + +_Culch._ How on earth can _I_ tell? If it is so, you must be a +philosopher, my dear fellow, and bear it--that's all. + +_Miss P.'s V._ That _does_ alter the case, doesn't it? And I may tell +him there's some hope for him? You mustn't judge him by what he is +with his friend, Mr. PODBURY. BOB has such a _much_ stronger and finer +character! + +_Miss T.'s V._ Oh well, if he couldn't stand up more on his edge than +Mr. PODBURY! Not that I mind Mr. PODBURY any, there's no harm in him, +but he's too real frivolous to amount to much. + +_Podb._ (_collapsing_). Frivolous! From _her_ too! Oh, hang it _all_! + + [_He buries his head in his hands with a groan._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, see here, HYPATIA. I'll take your brother on +trial for a spell, to oblige you--there. I cann't say more at present. +And now--about the other. I want to know just how you feel about him. + +_Culch._ The _other_!--that's Me! I wish to goodness you wouldn't make +all that noise, PODBURY, just when it's getting interesting! + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_very low_). What is the good? Nothing will bring him +back--_now_! + +_Culch._ Nothing? How little she knows me! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I hope you don't consider _me_ nothing. And a word from +me would bring him along pretty smart. The only question is, whether +I'm to say it or not? + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_muffled_). Dar-ling! + +_Culch._ I really think I might almost venture to go down, now, eh, +PODBURY? (_No answer._) Selfish brute! [_Indignantly._ + +_Miss T.'s V._ But mind this--if he comes, you've got to care for him +the whole length of your boa--you won't persuade him to run in couples +with anybody else. That's why he broke away the first time--and you +were ever so mad with me because you thought I was at the bottom +of it. But it was all his pride. He's too real independent to share +chances with anybody alive. + +_Culch._ How thoroughly she understands me! + +_Miss T.'s V._ And I guess CHARLEY will grow out of the great Amurrcan +Novel in time--it's not going ever to grow out of _him_, anyway! + +_Culch._ (_bewildered_). CHARLEY? I don't see why she should mention +VAN BOODELER _now_! + +_Miss T.'s V._ I like CHARLEY ever so much, and I'm not going to have +him cavort around along with a circus of suitors under vows. So, if I +thought there was any chance of--well, say Mr. CULCHARD-- + +_Miss P.'s V._ (_indignant_). MAUD! how _can_ you? That odious +hypocritical creature! If you knew how I despised and--! + +_Miss T.'s V._ Well, my dear, he's pretty paltry--but we'll let him go +at that--I guess his shares have gone down considerable all round. + +_Culch._ PODBURY, I--I--this conversation is evidently not intended +for--for other--ears. I don't know whether _you_ have heard enough, +_I_ shall go down! + +_Podb._ (_with a ghastly chuckle_). Like your shares, eh, old chap? +And mine too, for that matter. Well, _I'm_ ready enough to go. Only, +for goodness' sake, let's get away without being seen! + + [_They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, and out + to the steps, where they re-embark. As their gondola pushes + off, Mr. TROTTER and BOB PRENDERGAST appear from the + Museum._ + +_Mr. T._ Why, land sakes! ain't that Mr. PODBURY and Mr. CULCHARD? Hi! +You ain't ever going away? There's my darter and Miss HYPATIA around +somewhere.--They'll be dreadful disappointed to have missed you! + +_Podb._ (_with an heroic attempt at cheeriness_). We--we're awfully +disappointed to have missed _them_, Mr. TROTTER. Afraid we can't stop +now! Goodbye! + + [_CULCHARD pulls his hat-brim over his eyes and makes a sign + to the gondoliers to get on quickly; Mr. TROTTER comments + with audible astonishment on their departure to BOB, who + preserves a discreet silence._ + + * * * * * + +A PALMY DAY AT ST. RAPHAEL. + +_Villa Magali._--Delicious climate! STUART-RENDEL says it "reminds +him of Devonshire, without the damp." Mention of Devonshire reminds +_me_ of the DUKE. Try to point out to my friends that the Rossendale +Election shows conclusively--Curious! Friends all get up and go out! +Seems that ANDREW CLARKE specially told them I was to "avoid all +excitement, over-exertion, and talk about politics!" Wish CLARKE would +not be so unreasonable. _Must_ talk about Rossendale to somebody. + +_Off to Hyeres_--to see CHILDERS. Find CHILDERS tolerably chatty. +Doesn't seem to care so much about Rossendale result as I should have +expected. STUART-RENDEL comes to fetch me. Ahem! Off. + +_At Monte Carlo._--Feel so well, have looked in here. Meet WELLS, the +"Champion Plunger." Asks me if I've got a system; he's "been losing +heavily, and would be glad of any hint." Suggest his putting on the +numbers of Rossendale Majority. WELLS seems pleased at idea. Does so +at once, and loses 10,000 francs straight off. Meet him in grounds +afterwards, and try to explain real significance of Rossendale +election. WELLS disappears. Curious! _Can_ ANDREW CLARKE have got at +WELLS? + +_Golfe San Juan._--French war-ships in Bay. Admiral might like to know +my views on Rossendale and politics generally. Taken on board. Admiral +much interested in MADEN's victory. Admiral asks if it was the "_Grand +Prix_" that MADEN won? Find he thinks MADEN is a horse. Disappointing. +[_Query_--ANDREW CLARKE again?] Sent on shore in boat, amid cheers +from sailors. Gratifying. + +_Back to St. Raphael._--Tired, but on the whole gratified with my day. +Friends pained to hear what I've done, and threaten to telegraph for +Sir ANDREW! Shall pack up and return. Letter from MORLEY begging me to +stay where I am. Odd! Can Sir ANDREW have got at JOHN MORLEY? Bed, and +think it over. + + * * * * * + +BROTHER BRUSH, A.R.A.--Stan' up, STANHOPE FORBES! and receive our +congratulations on your election. STAN-HOPE deferred maketh the +painter's 'art sick of waiting, and now A FORBES, not _The_ FORBES +(which his name is JAMES STAATS, C.L.C. & D.R., &c., &c.), but the +STANHOPE A-foresaid, has obtained his first grade. With what pleasure +will the Art-loving Chairman see his STANHOPE "on the line!" In +Burlington House, of course we mean, as elsewhere, the situation would +be one of no slight danger. + + * * * * * + +"PLEASED AS PUNCH."--A paragraph in the _D.T._ informed _Mr. P._ +and the public generally, that "Dr. ROBSON ROOSE and Mr. ALLINGHAM +are contented with Mr. EDWARD LAWSON's progress." "If Box"--"And +Cox"--"are satisfied," then of all Mr. E.L.'s friends in front none +will be more delighted to hear of his complete recovery than his +neighbour, _Mr. Punch_, of 85, Fleet Street. + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING NEW IN SOAP.--The Soap Trade is still booming. Almost every +week appears a fresh candidate for public favour, its claim based upon +some alluring speciality. We hear of a newcomer likely to take the +cake (of soap). On all the walls, and in most of the advertisement +columns, will presently blaze forth its proud legend:--"The +Satisfactory Soap--Won't Wash Anything." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS. + +IN ORDER TO HUSBAND OUR JUDICIAL STAFF, IN FUTURE A JUDGE WILL BE +EXPECTED TO HEAR TWO CASES AT THE SAME TIME. + +PORTRAIT OF A JUDGE TRYING A THEATRICAL "CAUSE CELEBRE," AND A NICE +QUESTION AS TO A "REMAINDER-MAN" AND A "TENANT IN TAIL MALE."] + + * * * * * + +HIGH (BEERBOHM) TREESON! + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that Mr. BEERBOHM TREE in his recent production +of _Hamlet_ has introduced a novelty into the tragedy by inventing +fresh business. Unauthorised by the text, he has included _Ophelia_ +amongst the Court "attendants," and, finding her on the stage, has +indulged in a dignified flirtation (in dumb show), worthy of the hero +of _L'Enfant Prodigue_ himself. Now I think this a great improvement, +and were the masterpiece to be "written up" throughout on the same +lines, I am sure the representation would be received with enthusiasm. +It might be that the performance would be a little longer, but think +of the enormous gain in interest. To show you what I mean, I take the +first five lines of the opening Act:-- + +SHAKSPEARE'S VERSION. + + SCENE I.--_Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. FRANCISCO + on his post. Enter to him BERNARDO._ + + _Bernardo._ Who's there? + + _Francisco._ Nay answer me: stand and unfold yourself! + +This passage, furnished with proper business, might be rendered the +means of showing the sort of life led by _Laertes_, justifying the +advice subsequently given to him by _Polonius_ more appropriate to +the conditions of the case as now (for the first time) fully divulged, +Thus--I give my view of the matter:-- + +AMENDED VERSION. + + SCENE I.--_Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle. As the + Curtain rises, shouts and laughs are heard without. A Village + Maiden rushes in, as if pursued. She hides herself behind the + sentry-box, and then escapes. FRANCISCO, who is on his post, + looks about, and is surrounded by Danish Gallants, who have + come in pursuit of the Maiden. He threatens them with his + arms, and only one remains, who seems overcome by wine. The + intoxicated Gallant is masked, and evidently very much the + worse for liquor. He clumsily draws his sword. FRANCISCO + is about to despatch him, when the mask falls, and in the + dissipated reveller the Sentry recognises the bloated features + of LAERTES. He immediately presents arms, as LAERTES + is his superior officer. LAERTES, half-sobered by this + suggestion of discipline, wishes to retire unseen, and gives + largesse to FRANCISCO. The Sentry is greatly gratified, when + to them enters BERNARDO._ + + _Ber._ Who's there? + + _Fran._ (_sheltering LAERTES, who stealthily retires by + a rope-ladder which falls from the battlements to the moat + below_). Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself! + +By my version I really introduce a most interesting underplot, which, +in my opinion, is equally pleasing and quite as defensible as Mr. +BEERBOHM TREE's business with _Ophelia_. + +Yours, A STICKLER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMAN NATURE. + +_Jones has always professed the greatest Indifference to (and contempt +for) all Press Criticisms on his Work (although he takes in all the +Papers)._ + +YET THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE WHEN HIS NEW NOVEL WAS PRONOUNCED A +WORK OF GENIUS BY THE _UPPER TOOTING EXPRESS_. + +AND THIS IS HOW HE APPEARED WHEN THE _NORTH CLAPHAM GAZETTE_ DISMISSED +THAT IMMORTAL BOOK AS A PIECE OF DRIVELLING SENILE TWADDLE. + +AND THIS IS THE WAY HE TREATS ALL NEWSPAPERS, REVIEWS, PERIODICALS, +&C., &C., THAT LEAVE THE IMMORTAL BOOK UNNOTICED!] + + * * * * * + +THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL." + +_A LAY OF MODERN LONDON._ + + [Arrangements have been made for great political meetings + in the Metropolis, at which the Liberal Leaders will be the + principal speakers.] + + HARCURTIUS of the triple chin, by the Nine Points he swore + The Capital should suffer from Tory sway no more; + By the Nine Points he swore it, and named a trysting day, + And bade his messengers ride forth east and west, and south and north, + To summon his array. + + East and west, and south and north the messengers ride fast; + From Kennington to Poplar they've heard the trumpet's blast. + Shame on the false Caucusian who loiters in his Club + When triple-chin'd HARCURTIUS prepares the foe to drub! + Too long the Capital hath borne the stubborn Tory yoke, + Too long the Liberals have failed to strike a swashing stroke. + Betrayed to Tory clutches by traitors shrewd and strong, + The banded foes have held it all too firmly and too long. + SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS have struck unholy pact, + Foes long in dubious seeming, but ever friends, in fact, + Devonian CAVENDUS, he of the broad and bovine jowl, + Who smiled but coldly ever, now on our cause doth scowl. + Cock-nosed CUBICULARIUS, once a Captain of our host, + Now chums with bland BALFOURIUS, and makes that bond his boast. + Oh, was there ever such a gang, so motley and so mixed, + To garrison a Citadel on which all hopes are fixed? + Oh, was there ever such a call to strike one mighty blow, + To snatch the Capital once more, and lay the traitors low? + + HARCURTIUS hurries onward, he waves the Grand Old Flag, + And when that banner flouts the breeze, what slave so base as lag? + GLADSTONIUS at his elbow,--not he the Old, the Grand,-- + He shuns the fogs of winter in a far-off sunny land, + Nursing his force for the great fray that may right soon come on,-- + This is not he of Hawarden, but the old hero's son: + There's OTTO, of the brindled beard, RUSSELLIUS swift of tongue, + RIPONIUS and LEFEVRIUS into the fray have flung. + Sleek-haired STANSFELDUS also, MUNDELLA of the Beak. + That CORVUS of the legion, good both to fight and speak, + LEO PLAYFAIRIUS follows, and brave BANNERMANUS bears + The flag he's fond of flaunting, there gallant AUCEPS dares + All that becomes a hero, whilst last, but oh, not least! + KIMBERLEYUS fares forth to the fight as others to a feast. + "Now, up!" cried stout HARCURTIUS, "Up! and we yet shall trap 'em! + Kennington calls, and Hackney, with Fulham, too, and Clapham. + I hear the cry of Chelsea, Islington North and West + Raise wails that find an echo in this mail-covered breast. + Bermondsey and Whitechapel upraise a piteous plaint: + ('Wy don't our 'eroes wisit _hus_? We looks and there they ain't!') + North Lambeth long neglected, and Wandsworth far South-West, + (If I know where these places be I wish I may be blest!) + Appeal to us for succour: then Peckham, gallant Peckham, + Makes a far cry from her famed Rye. O brethren, shall we check 'em, + These brave suburban stalwarts whose home is in the waste + Afar from Pall Mall portals, swell Clubs, and homes of taste, + But who have Votes, my brethren? Nay, shout ye men of pith, + And strike for pining Poplar and hapless Hammersmith!" + "Quite so!" cries 'cute MUNDELLA, the corvine chief and conky, + "But he who maketh too much noise may show himself a donkey. + The Capital seems quiet, Sir, the garrison is still, + Suppose we try that old Gaul game!" HARCURTIUS cries, "I will!" + Then silently and slowly, and all in single file, + They climb towards the Citadel. HARCURTIUS, with a smile, + Hath his head o'er the ramparts, when--Great CAESAR, what is this? + They're greeted with one loud, prolonged, and universal _hiss_! + The sudden sibilation out of silence startles all, + HARCURTIUS clangs his buckler, OTTO nearly hath a fall, + "Great gods, the Geese are on us, those confounded Sacred Geese, + See their long necks, twig their broad beaks! Cease, senile + cacklers, cease!" + + So gaspeth great HARCURTIUS, but gaspeth all in vain. + The gaff is blown, the anserine guard gives tongue with might and main. + A stir, a tramp of mailed feet, a torch-flare! Whillaloo! + "Say, is this MARCUS MANLIUS? No, hang it, there be two, + SALISBURIUS and GOSCHENIUS, with a host, no doubt, behind, + They're on their guard, whate'er may chance, we shall not 'catch + 'em blind' + Like gudgeon. No! there's not a chance of a surprise by night; + If the Gauls take the Citadel, ye gods, they'll have to _fight_!" + How history repeats itself! At least we must agree, + The Geese have roused the Capital? And _saved_ it? We shall see! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ATTACK ON THE "CAPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO ARTLESS! + +SCENE--_A Cinderella Dance._ + +_Swell_ (_to ingenuous Maiden_). "ARE YOU ENGAGED?" + +_Ingenuous Maiden._ "NO--BUT--I SHOULD SO LIKE TO BE!" + +[_And, as the old game has it, the consequences were ----!_] + + * * * * * + +"COME HITHER, HUBERT!" + +We are able to present our readers with a few notes of a lecture to +be given by Professor HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A. (by the kind permission +of AUTHOR PINERO, Esq.), to all managers, actors, actresses, +scene-painters, authors, composers, musicians, costumiers, and +wig-makers who will honour him with their attention. On this occasion +the Professor will (among other things) explain, by the aid of a Magic +Lantern (an entirely new invention recently discovered by Professor +H.H.) how to enlighten the stage darkness generally. The Professor +will also combat the erroneous impression derived from the dark ages +of SHAKSPEARE's time, that the Moon, or the Man in it,--probably a +lime-lighterman,--ought servilely to follow the movements, in order to +throw light upon them, of the Principal Performer. The Professor will +observe--"Such a course, on the part of the Direction of the Moon, +can only be considered beneficial to Art, when it is directed against +'The Star System.' As each theatrical Star has its own particular +brilliancy, why lug in the Moon? SHAKSPEARE, no doubt, had the Stage +Moon in full view when he makes _Juliet_ roundly exclaim, 'Oh, swear +not by the Moon, the inconstant Moon!' as, of course, a Moon bound +to illuminate the business of any one actor must follow him about, +and so, though 'constant' to _him_ individually, would be open to a +general charge of inconstancy from the spectators in front. Such a +course for the Moon to take is, as some of the better instructed among +you may possibly be aware, quite unwarranted by the lunar laws of +Nature, &c., &c." + +This interesting entertainment will wind up with a dialogue between +_Arthur_ (JONES) and _Hubert_ (HERKOMER), of which we give an extract. +It represents _Arthur_ as wishing to produce a piece, which _Hubert_ +forewarns him will be a failure unless he (HUBERT) paints the scenery +and manages it generally. + + _Arthur._ Is there no remedy? + + _Hubert._ None, but to use _my_ eyes. + + _Arthur._ O HUBERT! If you will, cut down my 'lengths.' + And I'll be merry as the day is long, + So you don't interfere. You've other irons + Hot in the fire. + + _Hubert_ (_aside_). With his innocent prate + He will awake my mercy which lies dead. + (_Aloud._) Read this, young ARTHUR! + + [_Gives him a Manuscript._ + + _Arthur_ (_opens it. Starts_). What! a play by YOU! + To be produced by _me_! O HUBERT!! [_Faints._ + +We regret that want of space prevents our giving any more of this +charming work at present, but no doubt it will not be long ere the +Public has the gratification of hearing and seeing it all. + + * * * * * + +A PARAGON FRAME (OF MIND). + + ["I never took anybody's umbrella."--_Plaintiff (a Cook) in a + recent Breach of Promise Case._] + + Common are Cooks, professed, plain alike + And common, youths their sustenance who feed on, + Common (I'm told) a breach of promise suit, + And common, damages, in courts agreed on; + Common are briefs as blackberries; and fees + Are common quite as "leather and prunella"; + Common are "unprotected" witnesses + ("_Credat_"--as HORACE somewhere sings--"_Apella_!") + But most uncommon seems a lowly Cook + Who with sincerity can kiss the book + And swear (to shame her betters!) ne'er she took + By sad "mistake or otherwise," by hook; + Or, as will eventuate, by crook, + Be it silk or gingham--any one's umbrella! + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM ON CURRENT POLITICS.--"Politics," says Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, "is +one of the few things I know nothing about. But it does seem to me +that Lord GRANDOLPH CHURCHILL is a white elephant tied round the neck +of Lord SALISBURY." + + * * * * * + +"HEAVENS!"--Recently in the _Athenaeum_, and copied elsewhere, appeared +the most interesting intelligence that has been received on earth for +some time. "The small planet No. 315"--no further address is given, an +omission which will, no doubt, be rectified in the next issue--"which +was discovered at Nice by M. CHARLOIS on the 4th September, +1891,"--the small planet, of course, not being out of the nurse's +arms, was not responsible for being at Nice at an unfashionable time, +but this, of course, is the fault of her parents and guardians--"has +been named Constantia." Rather late to delay the christening for +nearly five months. Of course, the brilliant infant will not stay at +Nice, except by medical advice, but will probably return to No. 315, +Milky Way (or elsewhere), on the first opportunity. _Sic itur ad +astra_! + + * * * * * + +"A STUDENT OF HISTORY" writes to us:--"Sir--I have been reading a +great deal lately on ecclesiastical subjects, and shall be very much +obliged if you will explain to me briefly what 'Inclosed Orders' +are." [If "A STUDENT" will send us, under cover to our office, two +P.O. Orders for two pounds ten shillings each respectively, further +explanation than that conveyed by our receipt for the same will be +unnecessary.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +A RIDDLE. + + I'm underneath your feet + In the streets of London Town, + From town take "t," + Then give it to me, + And you'll sell me for a crown. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. AND THE PREVAILING EPIDEMIC.--Our excellent friend is now +convalescent. "Like CAESAR or CAESAR's wife, I forget which it was," +she says, "I have passed the Barbican!" Some one having suggested that +probably she meant "the Rubicon," Mrs. R. thanked him politely, but +added, that she perfectly well knew what she was talking about, and +that everyone who was acquainted with history would understand her +classical delusion. + + * * * * * + +PUZZLER FOR A COSTUMIER.--A Gentleman going to a Fancy Dress Ball +wants to know how he can make up for Lost Time? + + * * * * * + +NAMES for the next pair of Tailed Monkeys sent to the Zoo--"Mr. and +Mrs. CAUDAL." + + * * * * * + +N.B.--"Confessions of a Duffer," No. IV., next week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ +TO STICK TO HIS LAST. + +_Fair Matron._ "I REMEMBER YOUR ACTING '_SIR ANTHONY,' YEARS_ AGO, +WHEN I WAS A GIRL, SIR CHARLES! YOU DID IT SPLENDIDLY!" + +_The Great Mathematician._ "AH, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, THAT BIT OF +ACTING BROUGHT ME MORE COMPLIMENTS THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID?" + +_Fair Matron._ "I SHOULD _THINK_, SO INDEED!"] + + * * * * * + +TRUE AND TRUSTY. + +(_A STORY OF THE LAW._) + +I always liked LAWRENCE LUCKAPENNY, and shall never forget the first +time I met him. He was leaving the County Court, where I had had +myself a small matter of business, and knowing the same Counsel, we +foregathered. He was in great spirits. He had just won his case. + +"Yes," said he, "it was a hard fight, but we came off all right. His +Honour was distinctly in our favour, so now I and my co-trustees will +have the satisfaction of feeling that the estate has benefited, with +no greater loss than a few months' delay. Eh?" and he turned to our +Counsel, who smiled, and shook his head a little doubtfully. + +"Can scarcely go so far as that," the man of law observed. "You see, +these matters take time, and the other side may appeal." + +"Appeal! What is that?" + +"I am afraid you will have the full opportunity for learning, my dear +fellow." + +"Well, it's all right up to now," cried LUCKAPENNY, cheerfully, and we +separated. + +Two or three years after this I again met the litigant, but this time +in the Royal Courts of Justice. There were streaks of white in his +hair, but he was still cheerful. + +I asked him how he was getting on with the matter, and he replied, +"As well as might be expected." Our Counsel had been right, for the +liquidators had appealed. + +"But we have beaten them again, my dear Sir! Think of that,--beaten +them again!" + +"And now you will have no further difficulty, I suppose." + +"I can't go quite so far as that," returned LUCKAPENNY, who I noticed +was adopting legal phraseology. "You know they may take us up to the +House of Lords, if they please!" + +And again time went on. In the course of years I found that poor +LUCKAPENNY _had_ been taken to Westminster, and their Lordships had +decided to give themselves time to consider their judgment. + +When I met LUCKAPENNY again, the House of Lords had decided against +him. + +"It is very awkward," he observed, "they will not allow my costs, and +so I shall have to pay them out of my own pocket! And what makes it +the more annoying is that, even had we won our cause, it would +have led to nothing, as the estate we were fighting is practically +bankrupt." + +I offered my condolences, and we separated. + +The last time, I saw poor LUCKAPENNY, he looked a very shadow of +himself. He was haggard and thin, and was wearing clothes of an +ancient cut and threadbare material. He smiled as he met me, and +observed that he was still engaged on the trust matter. + +"But I have come to the last stage," he said; "I have paid the costs +in full. And now I am going home." + +"Going home," I repeated, and noticing that he seemed feeble, offered +him the support of my arm. "I will walk as far as your residence." + +"You are very good," he replied, "but I am afraid that I cannot ask +you to come in." + +"Never mind that; but where do you live?" + +"Where should I live after a lawsuit?" he returned, with a short +laugh. "Why, in the Workhouse, to be sure--in the Workhouse!" + +And as a ratepayer, I have assisted to support him ever since! + + * * * * * + +A MENU FROM BIRMINGHAM. + +POTAGES. + +Duchesse. Consomme de Deluge a l'Apres Moi. + +POISSONS. + +Hors d'Eau a l'Appat convenable. Crevettes a l'Envie. + +ENTREES. + +Petits Programmes a la Robe de Joseph. Filets de Vis, Sauce Monopole. +Pattes de Matou aux Griffes. + +ROTS. + +Moi Meme. Dinde Fidele de Jesse. + +LEGUMES. + +Orchis en Boutonniere. Hartijo Sauce Soumission. + +RELEVES. + +Monocle. Salmi de Paires Filants aux Lis. + +ENTREMETS. + +Gateau Rossendale. Conserves d'Eglise Galloise. Boudin de Labouchere a +la Lanterne. + +DESSERT. + +Bonbons de Famille. Hamecons de Flatterie. Oublis. + + * * * * * + +IN STATU,--QUO? + +Should CROMWELL have a statue at Westminster was a burning question +some years ago. We all know the result, and nowadays, who cares? +At present, the question at Oxford is, Shall Cardinal NEWMAN have a +statue? and, if so, Shall it be just opposite the Martyrs' Memorial? +From one point of view, the situation is happily selected, as, of +course, NEWMAN was on just exactly opposite ground to CRANMER, RIDLEY, +and LATIMER. The Oxford Dons are right in supposing that no statue +can be erected without a previous design; a design by a hand that has +not lost its cunning. The proposed site is in Broad Street, a very +suggestive name as opposed to narrowness of any sort; yet so eager +are the illogical Dons in the matter of preservation of spaces, that +before even the base of a clay model has been commenced, they have +already prepared the ground for the reception of the statue by getting +up any amount of railing about the proposed site! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WAKING-UP" FOR THE OPENING OF THE SESSION.] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. X.--TO CROOKEDNESS. + +OBLIQUE, BUT FORMIDABLE ONE, + +You have frequently fixed your abode in high places. Are there +not recorded in history the names of kings and statesmen whom an +irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and overreach, has brought +to the block? The times were difficult--that much one may admit. Noble +heads of honourable and upright men were lopped in profusion; and it +may be argued, with some show of reason, that the man whose character +was as flawless as pure crystal, was like to fare as badly as the +muddiest rascal of them all, if his side sank in defeat. And yet +I cannot help believing that, in some cases at least, a man might +have had a happier end if he had abstained from acts of political +turpitude, which were as irrational in their conception as they +were ruinous in their effect; acts, that is, which, in the existing +circumstances, no sane man could have undertaken unless the mere doing +of these rogueries had been a supreme and a necessary pleasure to him. +There was poor CHARLES THE FIRST. Surely, in spite of that melancholy, +doomed face, he might have died in peace if he had only played the +game fairly. JAMES THE SECOND, too, and MARLBOROUGH, the greatest +Captain of his age, and BOLINGBROKE, the eloquent philosophiser, the +grave moralist, how different might their ends have been had not you, +O CROOKEDNESS, presided at their births, and ruled their lives. But, +avaunt, History! Here I am straying into a treatise, when I merely +intended to remind you of little PETER SHEEF, and of his adventures. + +[Illustration] + +PETER and I were freshmen together at Cambridge in the remote past +before "Johnnies," and "Chappies," and "Mashers" had been heard of, +before the "oof bird" had been fledged in its pink and sporting nest, +or the Egyptian cigarette had asserted its universal sway. I daresay +we differed but little (by "we" I mean the freshmen of our year) from +those who have lately appeared for the first time in King's Parade, or +Jesus Lane. We were very young--we imagined Proctors to be destitute +of human feeling; we ate portentous breakfasts of many courses, and, +for the most part, treated our allowances as though they had been so +much pocket-money. Also we had an idea that a man who had passed his +thirtieth year was absurdly old, and that nobody could be called a +boy whose name had been entered on the books of a College. In fact, +we were freshmen. + +PETER and I were a good deal thrown together during our first term. +Like me, he had come up from one of the smaller schools, and we had +not, therefore, a very large number of friends to start with. PETER +was one of the pleasantest fellows in the world, always cheerful, +good-tempered, and obliging. He always seemed to have plenty of money. +Indeed, I know that his father made him an allowance of L800 a year, +a sum which was considerably more than double that received by the +majority of his fellows. The parental SHEEF I have since discovered +was a Solicitor, who had made his mark and his fortune by the crafty +defence of shady financiers in distress, of bogus company promoters, +and generally of the great race who live in the narrow border-land +which divides the merely disreputable from the positively indictable. +But at that time I didn't trouble my head to inquire about PETER's +father, and was content as most Undergraduates are, to take my friends +as I thought I found them. PETER was musical; he played several +instruments with skill, and sang a capital song. With all these +qualities, he soon became, to a certain extent, popular. He then set +up as a giver of good and expensive dinners, kept a couple of horses +in the hunting season, devoted great attention to his dress, and made +himself unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our miniature +world. In his second year he had gained a position; most people spoke +well of him, and liked him. It only rested with PETER himself to +maintain what he had gained, and to enter on life with troops of +friends. A few moments of purposeless folly were sufficient to shatter +him. + +I remember that in my first term I was not very agreeably impressed +by something that PETER did. A dog-fancier happened to come through +the street in which we both lodged, and PETER began to bargain with +him for a fox-terrier, who, according to the fancier's account, had +a pedigree as long and as illustrious as that of a Norman Peer. +Eventually it had been agreed that the dog was to become PETER's +property in consideration of thirty shillings in cash, a pair of +trousers, and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made, and the man +departed. Thereupon PETER informed me with glee, that the trousers +were a pair of his father's, which had been packed in his portmanteau +by mistake, and that the brandy-bottle contained about fifty per cent. +of water, that amount of brandy having been poured off before payment +was made. As PETER put it, "I've done him in the eye, to prevent him +doing me." I tried in vain to bring him round to the opinion that (let +alone robbing one's father) cheating a cheat was one of the lowest +forms of roguery. The dog-fancier soon afterwards returned, and +protested, with tears in his eyes, that the shabby trick had wounded +him in his tenderest feelings, but he seemed quite willing to begin a +fresh bargain with "the only gen'lemen, s'help me, as ever bested pore +little ALEC." + +All this is, however, by the way. I merely mention it to illustrate +PETER's character. At the University Steeple-Chase Meeting, which +took place at the end of our third October term, SHEEF had entered +his animals for several races. He was a good rider, and confidently +anticipated success. To celebrate the occasion, he had arranged a big +dinner-party, and had invited some twenty of us to dine with him. I +had been unable to go to the races myself, but at the appointed hour +I turned up at SHEEF's rooms. I found the table brilliantly laid, +waiters hanging about, and dozens of Champagne in readiness. SHEEF +was there, but, beside myself, no other guest had appeared. And not a +single one came. I forget what excuse the miserable host made, but the +result was that we two solemnly dined at a table laid for ten times +our number. I think I shall remember that ghastly festivity as long as +I live. The next day all Cambridge knew that SHEEF had not only pulled +one of his horses openly and disgracefully, but had wilfully misled +both his friends and the book-makers as to the horse he intended to +ride in a race for which entries were made at the post. I never heard +that he stood to win more than L50 by the transaction. And for this +paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man of his means) he had wrecked his +reputation, and all the possibilities of his career. + +I see him slinking about London sometimes. Last year he passed, +with much discredit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He has been a +Director of countless Companies, for the stock of fools seems to be +inexhaustible. There can only be one end for such a man as SHEEF. The +cool, callous, and calculating knave may get clear through to the end; +but SHEEF always was stupidly good-natured, and good-nature hangs like +a millstone round the neck of rascality. I cannot myself detest him as +I ought to do. He was so near to completely successful respectability. +But crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better wishes. Was it +altogether his own fault? + +That, as Mr. BRET HARTE observes, lets me out. + +I remain as before, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +A DANGEROUS TITLE. + +(_TO MR. JOSEPH HATTON, AUTHOR OF "CIGARETTE PAPERS."_) + + Cigarette Papers, JOSEPH, when properly stuffed, + Are meant, I suppose, to be zealously puffed. + When we take them in hand, a consuming desire + Attacks us to set the gay trifles on fire. + Yet, the brand being good (here's the point of my joke), + They are always enjoyed ere they vanish in smoke. + + * * * * * + +FROM AN X.J.P. TO LORD CHIEF JUSTICE PUNCH.--Sir,--Why complain of +"the Licence of the Bar?" Of course it goes with, and is a part of, +every Licence to a Public-house granted by the Middlesex Magistrates. +I've retired some years myself, am a bit deaf, and don't read much; +but I heard just enough to warrant me in writing to you at once on +what appears to me so simple a matter. + +ROBERT SHALLOW, X.J.P., M.M. + +_At the Sign of the Pig and Pippin._ + + * * * * * + +TO THE FUTURE A.R.A.--Better luck next time, Mr. SWAN. Be satisfied +that, though at present unelected, you are Swan, R.A., i.e., _Rara +Avis_. As you can plume yourself on this, so "_in hoc Cygno, +vinces!_" Which we caninecally and not canonically for the nonce +nonce-sensically render, "In this (matter), to the Swan (we say) you +will (go in and) win!" + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +102, February 6, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14341.txt or 14341.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/4/14341/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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