diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13332-0.txt | 4205 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 13332-h/13332-h.htm | 4419 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13332-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 117457 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13332-h/13332-h.htm | 4830 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13332.txt | 4589 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/13332.zip | bin | 0 -> 115613 bytes |
9 files changed, 18059 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13332-0.txt b/13332-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6691a1c --- /dev/null +++ b/13332-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4205 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13332 *** + +FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL. + +AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. + +BY LUTHER BENSON, + +1885. + + + + +TABLE OF CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. + +Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow +and gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not +do--Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder." + +CHAPTER II. + +Birth, parentage and early education--Early childhood--Early events--Memory +of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy life--Breaking colts +for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much to do in the matter of +drink--The author to blame for his misspent life--Inheritances--The +excellences of my father and mother--The road to ruin not wilfully +trodden--The people's indifference to a great danger--My associates--What +became of them--The customs of twenty years ago--What might have been. + +CHAPTER III. + +The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and +silent breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves +and promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for +liquor--The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power +of appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement. + +CHAPTER IV. + +School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive +to Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting +a cigar--A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and +what befell us while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in +a crib--Getting awake--The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna +jug--Another debauch--The exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting +to college at Cincinnati--My companions--The destruction wrought +by alcohol--Dr. Johnson's declaration concerning the indulgence of +this vice--A warning--A dangerous fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord +Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous +idea--Temperance the best aid to thought. + +CHAPTER V. + +Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer +brawls--County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white +oxen--The "red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I found +myself in the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching under +difficulties--Quiet again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on a +spree"--What a spree means. + +CHAPTER VI. + +Law practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad +to worse--My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, +God!"--Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's +duty--Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol. + +CHAPTER VII. + +Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking +corn--My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious +journey--Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the +damned--Heavenly hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the +woods--At Mr. Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded +by devils--Fears and sorrows--No rest. + +CHAPTER VIII. + +Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy. + +CHAPTER IX. + +The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the +Ditch--Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A +long night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The +inevitable--Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred +miles from home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a +school--The lobbies of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open +school--A failure--Return home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two +months of uninterrupted drinking--Coatless, hatless, and, bootless--The +"Blue Goose"--The tremens--Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the +damned--Walking on crutches--Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn +my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold bath--The consequence--Teaching +school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of Daniel Baker and his wife--A +paying practice at law. + +CHAPTER X. + +The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by +legislation--Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The +Indianapolis police--The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The +coming head-light--A desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the +time"--A struggle in which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in +dew--Hiding from the officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable +sufferings--Advised to lecture--The time I began to lecture. + +CHAPTER XI. + +My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At +Rushville--Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the +stage and am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old +coat and stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make +a lecture tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude +of the press--The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind +criticism--Tattle mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to +commit suicide--Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask +the sheriff to lock me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of +'74--"Local option." + +CHAPTER XII. + +Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no man +should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the +Galt House--The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in +Cincinnati--The delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick +that turned to a serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to +Connersville, Indiana--My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and +torments--The horrid sights of a drunkard's madness. + +CHAPTER XIII. + +Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the +"Dare to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names. + +CHAPTER XIV. + +At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to hell--Conceive the +idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in +company with Gen. Macauley--Separate from him at Buffalo--I go on to New +York alone--Trading clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey +City--In the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In +court--"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At +the residence of Junius Brutus Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go +to Boston--Attend the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home once +more--Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow which whispered +"Go away!" + +CHAPTER XV. + +A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My friends +consult with the officers of the institution--I am discharged--Go to +Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings and horrible sufferings-- +Alcohol--The tyrant whom all should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is +anything gained by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It +leads to ruin and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at +present--The end. + + + + +PREFACE + + +The days of long prefaces are past. It is also too near the end of the +century to indulge in fulsome dedications. I shall, therefore, trouble the +reader with only a brief introduction to this imperfect history of an +imperfect life. The conditions under which I write necessarily make it +lacking in much that would ordinarily have added to its interest. I write +within the Indiana Asylum for the Insane; I have not the means of +information at hand which I should have to make the work what it should be, +and notes which I had taken from time to time, with a view of using them, +have unfortunately been lost. Much of my life is a complete blank to me, as +I have often, very often, alas! gone for days oblivious to every act and +thing, as dead to all about me as the stones of the pavement are dumb. Nor +can I connect a succession of incidents one after the other as they +occurred in the regular course of my life. The reader is asked to be +merciful in his judgment and pardon the imperfections which I fear abound +in the book. The title, "FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL," may, to some, seem +irreverent or profane, but let me assure any such that it is the mildest I +can find which conveys an idea of the facts. Expect nothing ornate or +romantic. The path along which you who walk with me will go is not a +flowery one. Its shadows are those of the cypress and yew; its skies are +curtained with funereal clouds; its beginning is a gloom and its end is a +mad house. But go with me, for you can suffer no harm, and a knowledge of +what you will see may lead you to warn others who are in danger of doing as +I have done. Unless help comes to me from on high, I feel that I am near +the end of my weary and sorrow-laden pilgrimage on earth. You who are in +the light, I speak to you from the shadow; you who suffer, I speak to you +from the depths; you who are dying, perhaps I may speak to you from the +world of the dead; in any case the words herein written are the truth. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow +and gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not +do--Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder." + + +Truth, said Lord Byron, is stranger than fiction. He was right, for so it +is. Another has declared that if any man should write a faithful history of +his own career, the work would be an interesting one. The question now +arises, does any man dare to be sufficiently candid to write such a work? +Is there no secret baseness he would hide?--no act which, proper to be +told, he would swerve from the truth to tell in his own favor? Undoubtedly, +many. Doubtless it is well that few have the resolution or inclination to +chronicle their faults and failings. How many, too, would shrink from +making a public display of their miserable experiences for fear of being +accused of glorying in their past shame, or of parading a pride that apes +humility. I pretend to no talent, but if a too true story of suffering may +interest, and at the same time alarm, I can promise matter enough, and +unembellished, too, for no embellishment is needed, as all my sketches are +from the life. The incidents will not be found to be consecutive, but set +down as certain scenes occur to my recollection--heedless of order, style, +or system. Each is a record of shame, suffering, destitution and disgrace. +I have all my life stood without and gazed longingly through gateways which +relentlessly barred me from the light and warmth and glory, which, though +never for me, was shining beyond. From the day that consciousness came to +me in this world I have been miserable. In early childhood I swam, as it +were, in a dark sea of sorrow whose sad waves forever beat over me with a +prophetic wail of desolations and storms to come. During the years of +boyhood, when others were thoughtless and full of joy, the sun's rays were +hidden from my sight and I groped hopelessly forward, praying in vain for +an end of misery. Out of such a boyhood there came--as what else could +come?--a manhood all imperfect, clothed with gloom, haunted by horror, and +familiar with undefinable terrors which have weighed upon my heart until I +have cried to myself that it would break--until I have almost prayed that +it would break and thereby free me from the bondage of my pitiless master, +Woe! To-day walled within a prison for madmen, looking from a window whose +grating is iron, the sole occupant of a room as blank as the leaf of +happiness is to me, I abandon every hope. On this side the silence which we +call death--that silence which inhabits the dismal grave, there is for me +only sorrow and agony keener than has ever before made gray and old before +its time the heart of man. Thirty years! and what are they?--what have they +been? Patience, and as best I can, I will unfold their record. Thirty +years! and I feel that the weight of a world's wretchedness has lain upon +me for thrice their number of terrible days! Every effort of my life has +been a failure. Surely and steadily the hand of misfortune has crushed me +until I have looked forward to my bier as a blessed bed of repose--rest +from weariness--forgetfulness of remorse--escape from misery. At the dawn +of life, ay, in its very beginning, there came to me a bitter, deadly, +unmerciful enemy, accompanied in those days by song and laughter--an enemy +that was swift in getting me in his power, and who, when I was once +securely his victim, turned all laughter into wailing, and all songs into +sobbing, and pressed to my bloated lips his poisonous chalice which I have +ever found full of the stinging adders of hell and death. Too well do I +know what it is to feel the burning and jagged links of the devil's chain +cutting through my quivering flesh to the shrinking bone--to feel my nerves +tremble with agony, and my brain burn as if bathed in liquids of fire--too +well, I say, do I know what these things are, for I have felt them +intensified again and again, ten thousand times. The infinite God alone +knows the deep abyss of my sorrow, and help, if help be possible, can come +from him alone. + +I shall not attempt in these pages any learned disquisition upon the nature +of alcohol--its hideous effects on the system--how it disarranges all the +functions of the body--how it impairs health--blots out memory, dethrones +reason, and destroys the very soul itself--how it gives to the whole body +an unnatural and unhealthy action, crucifying the flesh, blood, bones and +marrow--how it paints hell in the mind and torture on the heart, and +strangles hope with despair. + +Nor shall I discuss the terrible and overshadowing evils, financial and +social, inflicted by it on every class of society. Like the trail of the +serpent it is over all. Look where you will, turn where you may, you can +not be blind to its evils. It despoils manhood of all that makes manhood +desirable; it plucks hope from the breast of the weeping wife with a hand +of ice; it robs the orphan of his bread crumb, and says to the gates of +penitentiaries, "Open wide and often to the criminals who became my slaves +before they committed crime." The evils of which I speak are not unknown to +you, but have you considered them as things real? Have you fought them as +present and near dangers? You have heard the wild sounds of drunken revelry +mingling with the night winds; you have heard the shrieks and sobs, and +seen the streaming, sunken eyes of dying women; you have heard the +unprotected and unfriended orphans' cry echoed from a thousand blighted +homes and squalid tenements; you have seen the outcast family of the +inebriate wandering houseless upon the highways, or shivering on the +streets; you have shuddered at the sound of the maniac's scream upon the +burdened air; you have beheld the human form divine despoiled of every +humanizing attribute, transformed from an angel into a devil; you have seen +virtue crushed by vice; the bright eye lose its lustre, the lips their +power of articulation; you have seen what was clean become foul, what was +upright become crooked, what was high become low--man, first in the order +of created things, sunken to a level with brute beasts; and after all these +you have or may have said to yourself, "All this is the work of the +terrible demon, alcohol." + +I shall not attempt to paint any of the countless scenes of degradation, +and horror, and misery, which this demon has caused to be enacted. I shall +leave without comment the endless train of crimes and vices, the beggary +and devastation following the course of this foul Titan devil of ruin and +damnation. I shall only endeavor to give a plain, truthful history of one +who has felt every pang, every sorrow, every agony, every shame, every +remorse, that the demon of drunkenness can inflict. I have nothing to thank +this demon for, beyond a few fleeting--oh, how fleeting--hours of false +delight. He has wrought only woe and loss to me. Even now, as I sit here in +the stillness of desperation, afraid of I know not what, trembling with a +strange dread of some impending doom, gazing in fright backward along the +shores of the years whereon I see the wrecks of a thousand hopes, the +destruction of every noble aspiration, the ruin of every noble resolve, I +cry aloud against the utterness of the destroyer. My life has indeed been a +sad one; so sad, so lonely, that no language in my power of utterance can +give to the reader a full conception of its moonless darkness. Would that +the magic pen of a De Quincey were mine that my miseries might stand out +until strong-hearted men and true-hearted women would weep, and every young +man and maiden also would tremble and turn from everything intoxicating as +from the oblivion of eternal death. + +To many, certain events which I shall relate in this history may seem +incredible; some of the escapes may seem improbable; but again let me +assure you that there shall not be one word of exaggeration. The incidents +took place just as I shall state them. I have passed through not only all +that you will find recorded in these pages, but ten thousand times more. As +I lift the dark veil and look back through the black, unlighted past, I +shudder and hold my breath as scene after scene, each more appalling than +the one just before it, rises like the phantom line of Banquo's issue, +defining itself with pitiless distinctness upon my seared eyeballs, until +the last and most awful of all stands tall and black by my side, and +whispers, hisses, shrieks Madness in my ears. I bow my head and find a +moment's relief from the anguish of soul in the hot scalding tears which +stream down my fevered cheeks. O God of sure mercy, save other young men +from the dark and desolate tortures which gnaw at my heart, and press down +upon my weary soul! They are all, all, all the work of alcohol. Oh, how +true it is--how true few can understand until their lives are a burden of +distress and agony to them--that the cup which inebriates stingeth like an +adder. When you see it, turn from it as from a viper. Say to yourself as +you turn to fly, "It stingeth like an adder!" + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +Birth, parentage, and early education--Early childhood--Early +events--Memory of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy +life--Breaking colts for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much +to do in the matter of drink--The author to blame for his misspent +life--Inheritances--The excellences of my father and mother--The road to +ruin not wilfully trodden--The people's indifference to a great danger--My +associates--What became of them--The customs of twenty years ago--What +might have been. + + +As to my birth, parentage and education, I am the last but one of a family +of nine children, seven of whom were boys, and all of whom, excepting one +brother, are now living. Both brothers and sisters are, without an +exception, sober, industrious and honest. I was born in Rush county, +Indiana, on the 9th day of September, 1847. + +If there is one spot in all the black waste of desolation about which I +cling with fond memory it is in my early childhood, and there is no part of +my life that is so fresh and vivid as that embraced in those first early +years. I can remember distinctly events which transpired when I was but two +years old, while I have forgotten thousands of incidents which have +occurred within the past two years. While it is true that in early +childhood a dark shadow fell athwart my pathway, making everything sombre +and painful with an impression of desolation, yet was my condition happy in +comparison with the rayless and pitchy blackness which subsequently folded +its curtains close about my very being, seeming to make respiration +impossible at times and life a nightmare of mockery. Seeming, do I say? +Nay, it did, for nothing can be more real than our feelings, no matter how +falsely they may be created. The agony of a dream is as keen while it lasts +as any other--more so, because there is a helplessness about it which makes +it harder to resist. + +Many times, lying in my bed after a disgraceful debauch of days' or weeks' +duration, has my memory winged its way through the realms of darkness in +the mournful and lonesome past, back through years of horror and suffering +to the green and holy morning of life, as it at this moment seems to me, +and rested for an instant on some quiet hour in that dawn which broke +tempestuously, heralding the storms which would later gather and break +about me. At such times I could distinctly remember the names and features +of all the persons who dwelt in the vicinity of my father's house, although +many of them died long ago or passed away from the neighborhood. I could at +this time repeat word for word conversations which took place twenty-five +years ago. I do not so much attribute this to a retentive memory as to the +habit I have had of thinking, when my mind was in a condition to think, of +all that was a part of my early life. Again and again, as the years gather +up around me, and the valley of life deepens its shadows toward the tomb, +do I go back in memory to the days that were. Again and again do I awaken +to the beauty, the love, the faces and friends of those days. They are all +dear and sacred to me now, though I know they can come no more, and that +the hollow spaces of time between the Here and There--the Now and +Then--will reverberate forever with the echoes of many-voiced sorrows. +Could those who meet me look down into the depths of my ghastly and bitter +desolation, they would behold more appalling pictures of human agony than +ever mortal eye gazed upon since the opening of the day of time--since the +roses of Eden first bloomed and knew not the blight so soon to darken the +earthly paradise by the rivers of the east. But I wander from my subject. + +I lived and worked on my father's farm until I was eighteen years of age. +As I have already said, even when a child I found myself sad and much +depressed at times. I could not bear the society of my companions, and at +such times would wander away alone to meditate and brood over my misery. At +the very threshold of life I was dissatisfied and discontented with my +surroundings. I was ever anxious and uneasy, ever longing for some +undefinable, unnamable something--I knew not what, but, O God, I knew the +desolation of feeling which was then mine. The sorrow of the grave is +lighter than that. My life has always been an active one--restless, uneasy, +and full of action, I naturally wanted to be doing something or going +somewhere. From the time I was seven years old up to the time I was fifteen +there was not a calf or colt on the farm that was not thoroughly broken to +work or to be ridden. In this work or pastime of breaking in calves and +colts I received sundry kicks, wounds, and bruises quite often, and still +upon my person are some of the marks imprinted by untamed animals. I only +speak of these things that the reader may know the character of my +temperament, and thus be enabled to judge more correctly of it when +influenced and excited by stimulants which will arouse to rash actions the +dullest organizations. I was invariably the last one to go to bed when +night came, but not the last to rise, for I always bounded out of bed ahead +of the others; and in this connection I can assert with truth that for over +twenty years I have not averaged over five hours of sleep out of every +twenty-four during that time. I have never found in all nature one object +or occupation that gave me more than a swiftly passing gleam of contentment +or pleasure. That the reader may clearly comprehend my present condition +and impartially judge as to my culpability in certain of my acts, I desire +that he may know the circumstances and surroundings of my childhood, for I +do solemnly aver that my sorrows and miseries were not of my own planting +in those days. While I believe that some men will be drunkards in spite of +almost everything that can be done for their relief, others there are, no +matter how surrounded, who never will be drunkards, but solely because they +abstain from ever tasting the insidious poison. Temperament has much to do +with the matter of drink, and could it be known and properly guarded +against, I believe that a majority of those having the strongest +predisposition to drink, if steps were taken in time, could be saved from +its inevitable end, which is madness and death. I would here say to parents +that it is their solemn duty to study well the disposition and temperament +of their children from the hour of their birth. By proper training and +restraint, all wrong impulses might be corrected and the child saved from a +life of shameful misery, while they would themselves escape the sorrow +which would come to them because of the wrong-doing of the child. While no +person is particularly to blame for my misspent life, yet I can clearly see +to-day how its worse than wasted years might have been years of use and +honor. Its every step might have been planted with actions the memory of +which would have been a blessing instead of a remorse. + +I have no recollection of a time when I had not an appetite for liquor. My +parents and friends of course knew that if it was taken in excess it would +lead to destruction, but in our quiet neighborhood, where little was known +of its excesses, no one dreamed of the fearful curse which slumbered in it +for me to awake. Had they had the least dread, fear, or anticipation of it +they would have left nothing undone that being done might have saved me. My +appetite for it was born with me, and was as much a part of myself as the +air I breathed. There are three kinds of inheritances, some of money and +lands, some of superior or great talents, and others of misfortunes. For +myself this misfortune was my inheritance. It came not to me directly from +my father or mother, but from my mother's father, and seemed to lie waiting +for me for three or four generations, and the mistakes and passion of long +dead great grandparents reappeared in me, thus fulfilling, with terrible +truth, the words of the divine book. It has been gathering strength until +when it broke forth its force has become wide-sweeping, irresistible and +rushing--a consuming power, devouring and sweeping away whatever dares to +arrest its onward progress. Never, never, in those long gone and innocent +years of my childhood did my father or mother dream that I, their +much-loved child, would ever become a drunkard. If there is anything good, +manly, noble or true, that is a part of me, I am indebted to them for it. +They loved me, and I worshiped them. The consciousness that I have caused +them to suffer so much has been the keenest sorrow of my life. My mother +(blessed be the name!) is now in heaven. When she died the light went out +from my soul. A pang more poignant than any known before pierced me through +and through. My father is living still, and I verily believe there is not a +son on earth who more truly and devotedly honors and loves his father than +I mine. But I desire to show that I am not wholly responsible for my +present unhappy condition. It is natural for every man to wish to excuse, +or at least try to soften the lines of his mistakes with palliating +reasons, and this I think right so long as the truth is adhered to, and +injustice is not done any one. I hope no one will think that I have +willfully trod the road to ruin, or sunk myself so low when I have desired +the opposite with my whole heart. I was a victim of the fell spirit of +alcohol before I realized it. I was raised in a place where opportunities +to drink were numerous, as everybody in those days kept liquor, and to +drink was not the dangerous and disgraceful thing it's now considered to +be. For a radius often miles from our house more people kept whisky in +their cupboards or cellars than were without it. I never heard a temperance +lecturer until I was twenty years of age, and but seldom heard of one. The +people were asleep while a great danger was gathering in the land--a danger +which is now known and seen, and which is so vast in its magnitude that the +combined strength of all who love peace, order, sobriety and happiness, is +scarcely sufficient to meet it in victorious combat. + +What associates I had in those days were among men rather than boys, and +the men I went with drank. They gave whisky to me and I drank it, and +whether they gave it or not, I wanted it. Some of those who gave me drinks +are no longer among the living, but neither of them nor of the living would +I speak unkindly, nor call up in the memory of one who may read this book a +thought that might excite a pang; but I would ask any such just to go back +ten, fifteen, and twenty years, and tell me where, are some of the wealthy, +influential men of that time? In the silence of the winding-sheet! How many +of them have hastened to death through the agency of whisky? And how few +suspected that slowly but surely they were poisoning the wellsprings of +life? How many are bankrupts now that might yet be in possession of +unincumbered farms, the possessors of peaceful homes, but for that thief +accursed--Liquor! Look, too, at some of the sons of these men, and say what +you see, for you behold lives wrecked and wretched. Need I tell you what +has wrought all this ruin? Need I say that intemperance is at the bottom of +it? + +The country where I lived in youth and boyhood was equal, if not superior, +to any surrounding it. My father's neighbors were all kind-hearted, +generous people, and some of them--many of them, indeed--were good +Christians, and yet I repeat that twenty years ago there was not a place of +a mile in extent but presented the opportunity for drinking. In every +little town and village whisky was kept in public and private houses. There +was, and yet is, near my father's farm two very small but ancient towns, +containing each some twenty or thirty houses, and both of these places have +been cursed with saloons in which liquor has been sold for the last thirty +years. Both of these towns were favorite resorts with me, especially the +one called Raleigh. I have been drunk oftener and longer at a time in +Raleigh than in any one place in Indiana. I have written thus of my +birthplace and surroundings, that the reader may know the temptations that +encompassed me about, and not to speak against any place or people. The +country in my father's neighborhood is peopled at this time with noble men +and women--prosperous, noted for kindness, generosity, and unpretending +virtue. I think if I had been raised where liquor was unknown, and had been +taught in early childhood the ruin which follows drinking--if I had had +this impressed on my mind, I would have grown up a sober and happy man, +notwithstanding my inherited appetite. I would have been a sober man, +instead of traversing step by step the downward road of dissipation. I am +easily impressed, and in early life might have been taught such lessons as +would forever have turned my feet from the wrong and desolation in which +they have stumbled so often--in which they have walked so swiftly. Instead +of dwelling with shadows of realities the most terrible, and brooding in +the cell of a maniac, I might have now communed with the pure and noble of +earth. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and silent +breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves and +promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for +liquor--The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power +of appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement. + + +When I first started to school, log school houses were not yet things of +the past, and well do I remember the one which stood near the little stream +known as Hood's creek, and Sam Munger, from whom I first received +instruction. The next school I attended was in a log house near where +Ammon's mill now stands. I attended one or two summer terms at each of +these places. There is nothing remarkable connected with my early +school-days. They glided onward rapidly enough, but I saw and felt +differently, it seemed to me, from those around me; but this may be the +experience of others, only I think the melancholy, the fear, the +unhappiness which hung over me were not as marked in any one else. I +studied but little, because of my discontented and uneasy feeling, but I +kept up with my lessons, and have yet one or two prizes bestowed on me +twenty years ago for being at the head of my class the greater number of +times. + +I recollect with painful clearness the first drink of liquor that ever +passed my lips. It has been more than twenty-four years since then, but my +memory calls it up as if it were only yesterday, with all the circumstances +under which I took it. It was in the time of threshing wheat, and then, as +in harvesting, log-rolling, and everything that required the cooperation of +neighbors, whisky was always more or less used. I was little more than six +years of age. A bottle containing liquor was set in the shadow of some +sheaves of wheat which stood near a wagon, and taking it I crawled under +the wagon with a neighbor now living in Raleigh. We began drinking from +this bottle and did not stop until we were both pitiably drunk. The boy who +took that first drink with me has since had some experience with the +effects of alcohol, but at this time he is bravely fighting the good battle +of sobriety and may God always give him the victory. I never could taste +liquor without getting drunk. When one drop passed my lips I became wild +for another, and another, until my sole thought was how to get enough to +satisfy the unquenchable thirst. To-day if I were to dip the point of a +needle into whisky and then touch my tongue with that needle, I would be +unable to resist the burning desire to drink which that infinitesimal atom +would awaken. I would get drunk if hell burst up out of the earth around +me--yes, if I could look down into the flames and see men whose eye-brows +were burnt off, and whose every hair was a burning, blazing, coiling, +hissing snake from their having used the deadly liquid. And if each of +these countless fiery snakes had a tongue of forked fire and could be heard +to scream for miles, and I knew that another drop would cause them to lick +my quivering flesh, yet would I take it. O horror of horrors! I would +plunge into the flames forever and ever. After I once taste I am powerless +to resist. When I was ten years of age I went one Sunday with a neighbor +boy several years older than I, riding on horseback. The course we took was +a favorite one with me for it led toward Raleigh, just north of which place +I contrived to get a pint or more of the poison called whisky. The doctor +from whom I got it had, of course, no idea that I was going to drink it, +especially all of it, but drink it I did, getting so completely under its +horrible influence that when I arrived at home I fell senseless against the +door. My father and mother heard me fall and came out and took me into the +house, and just as soon as the heat of the fire began to affect me, I sank +into a dead stupor; all consciousness was gone; all feeling was destroyed; +all intelligence was obliterated. I lay upon my bed that night wholly +oblivious to everything, knowing not, indeed, that such a creature as +myself ever existed. The morning came at last, and with it I opened my +eyes. Describe who can the thoughts which rushed through my distracted +brain. For a little while I knew not where I was or what I had done. My +head was throbbing, aching, bursting. I glanced about me and on either side +of my bed my father and mother knelt in prayer! Then did I remember what +had befallen me, and so keen was my remorse that I thought I would surely +die, and, in fact, I wanted to die. O, much loved parents--father on earth +and mother in heaven--how often since then have I felt anew the shame of +that terrible hour--how often have I seen your sacred faces, wet with the +tears of that trial, come before me, looking imploringly heavenward as if +beseeching for me the mercy of the infinite God! + +That morning the family gathered about the breakfast table, but what a +shadow rested over all. A solemnity of silent sorrow was upon us. The peace +of yesterday had flown with my return home, and the dark misery of my soul +tinged with the shade of the grave's desolation the clouds which were +gathering in our sky. O, how often have I prayed that the time might be +given back, and that it might be in my power to resist the curse; but the +past is implacable as death, and I must bear the tortures that belong to +the memory of that most unhappy day. That day, and for many succeeding +ones, I read an anguish in the saintly face of my mother that I had never +seen there before. My father also bore about with him a look of deep +suffering which haunted me for years. For one day I suffered intensely both +mentally and physically, but being of a strong, vigorous, and healthy +constitution, I was almost completely restored by the following morning. Of +course I resolved and promised my father and mother that I would never +again taste liquor. For some time I faithfully kept my promise, and for +weeks the very thought of liquor was revolting to me. No one becomes a +drunkard in a day or week. Alcohol is a subtle poison, and it takes a long +time for it to so undermine man's system that he finds life almost +intolerable unless stimulated by the hell-broth which must surely destroy +him in the end, unless he closes his lips like a vise against it. But for +me, I never could drink, from my childhood, without coming under the +influence of the accursed poison. I never drank because I liked the taste +of liquor, but because I liked the first effects of it. I was never able to +tell good liquor or rather pure alcohol--for such a thing as good liquor +has never been made--from the worst, the meanest, manufactured from drugs. +The latter may be more speedy than pure alcohol, but either will destroy +with fatal certainty and rapidity. I drank, as I have said, for the +effects, and in the first years of my drinking my first emotions were +pleasurable. It sent the blood rushing to the brain, and induced a +succession of vivid and pleasing thoughts. But invariably the depression +that followed was in the same ratio down as the former was up, and after a +time I lost that first pleasant, unnatural feeling, and drank only to +satisfy an indescribable passion or craving. At first the wine glass may +sparkle and foam, but let it never be forgotten that within that sparkle +and foam is concealed the glittering eye of the uncoiled adder. It is the +sparkle of a serpent's skin, the foam of the froth of death. Here I must +confess that for the past five or six years I have not been able to attain +one moment's pleasure from drinking. Every glass that I have touched has +proven to be the Dead Sea's fruit of ashes to my lips. I drank wildly, +insanely, and became oblivious for days and weeks together to all which was +about me, and finally awoke to the horrors which I had sought to drown, but +now intensified a thousand fold. No man ever buried sorrow in drunkenness. +He can not bury it that way any more than Eugene Aram could bury the body +of his victim with the weeds of the morass. Whoever seeks solace in whisky +will curse the hour which saw him commit a mistake so fatal. Woe to him who +looks for comfort in the intoxicating glass. He will see instead the +ghastly face of murdered hope, the distorted vision of a wasted life, his +own bloated corpse. The habit of drink after a time becomes more than a +mere habit; the system comes to demand and crave liquor, it permeates and +affects every part of the body until every function refuses to perform its +part until it has been aroused to action by its accustomed stimulant. + +The most hopeless and wretched slave on earth is he who has bound himself +with the fetters of alcohol, and it is a sad and lamentable truth +that among thousands very few ever escape from the soul-destroying, +health-ruining bondage of an appetite for intoxicating drink. There is only +one here and there of all the hosts that are enchained and cursed who +succeeds in breaking the bonds which bind body, soul and spirit. So far as +the prospect of success is concerned in winning men from evil, I would say, +let me go to the brazen-faced and foul-mouthed blasphemer of the holy +Master's name; let me go to the forger, who for long years has been using +satanic cunning to defraud his fellow-men; let me go to the murderer, who +lies in the shadow of the gallows, with red hands dripping with the blood +of innocence; but send me not to the lost human shape whose spirit is on +fire, and whose flesh is steaming and burning with the flames of hell. And +why? Because his will is enthralled in the direst bondage conceivable--his +manhood is in the dust, and a demon sits in the chariot of his soul, +lashing the fiery steeds of passion to maniacal madness. No possible motive +or combination of motives can be urged upon him which will stand a moment +before the infernal clamorings of his appetite. Wife, children, home, +relatives, reputation, honor, and the hope and prospect of heaven itself, +all flee before this fell destroyer. The sufferings and agonies untold of +one human soul securely bound by the chains forged by rum are enough to +make angels weep and devils laugh. I have no desire to discourage those who +have this habit fastened on them. I would not say to them: You can not +break away from it. I would do all in my power to aid and strengthen every +such person in any attempt he might make to be free. There is escape, but +courage is required to make it, and greater courage than has ever been +exhibited on the field of battle, amid the thunders of cannon, the roar of +deadly conflict, the gleam of sabre and glitter of bayonet. But rather than +die the drunkard's death, and go to the drunkard's eternal doom, every +drunkard can afford to make this fight. It were better, ten thousand times, +that every such one should do as I have done--voluntarily go to an asylum +and be restrained until he so far recovers that he can of his own will +resist temptation. And there is another aid--a strength stronger than our +own--God! He will help every unfortunate one that goes to him in sincerity +and humbly implores the divine aid. + +I desire here to make a statement in justice to myself. There are three +laws, the human, the natural and the divine. You may violate a human law, +and the judge, if he sees fit, may pardon your offense. If you violate the +divine law, God has prepared a way of escape, and promises pardon on +conditions within the reach of all, but for a violation of that which I +call natural law, there is no forgiveness. The penalty for every such +violation must be, and is, fully paid every time, and while natural laws +are as much a part of God's creation as the divine, he would no more set +aside a penalty for a violation of one of nature's laws than he would blot +out a part of his written word. Yet there are recuperative powers and +forces in nature that are wonderful, and there is a spiritual strength that +helps us to bear, and overcome, and endure every affliction. I was made a +new creature in Christ Jesus at Jeffersonville, Indiana, on the 21st of +last January, and had I then gone to work to recuperate and restore by all +natural means, my broken body, I am most certain that I never again would +have tasted liquor; but instead of using the means God had placed about me, +in the supreme ecstacy which comes to a redeemed, a new-born soul, I went +to work ten times more laboriously than ever, and soon completely exhausted +my bodily strength. My system was drained of every particle of its power to +resist the slightest attack of any kind whatsoever, much less to make a +successful struggle against my great enemy, and so, physically and mentally +exhausted when I was assailed by the black, foul fiend of alcohol, I fell, +and fell a second time. I resolved, yea, took an oath the most solemn, that +rather than again be overtaken by a disaster so dire, I would have myself +entombed within an asylum for the insane. Here at last, I was placed, and +here I intend to remain until nature shall restore to my body sufficient +strength to resist, with God's help, the next and every attack of my enemy. +As God is my witness, I had rather remain within these walls and listen to +the cries of the worst maniac here, from day to day, until the last hour of +my life--yes, and die and be buried here in the pauper's graveyard, than +ever again go out and drink. And now as I close this chapter with a full +heart, I go down on my knees in supplication to God for strength and grace +to keep me from that which has wrecked all my life and made it a continued +round of sorrow and shame. I ask every one who reads this chapter, to pray +to God for me with all your heart and soul. Oh! men and women, pray for +wretched, miserable, sorrowing, suffering, lonely me. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive +to Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting +a cigar--A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and +what befell us while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in +a crib--Getting awake--The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna +jug--Another debauch--The exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting +to college at Cincinnati--My companions--The destruction wrought by +alcohol--Dr. Johnson's declaration concerning the indulgence of this +vice--A warning--A dangerous fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord +Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous +idea--Temperance the best aid to thought. + + +At the age of sixteen I started to school at Fairview, then as now, an +insignificant but pretty village, some four miles from where my father +lived. William M. Thrasher, at this time Professor of Mathematics in the +Butler University, at Irvington, near Indianapolis, was the teacher in +charge of that school, and it is to him that I am under obligations for +about all the "book learning" that I possess. True, I went to college after +that, but I merely skimmed over the studies there assigned me. While at +school at Fairview I improved every opportunity to drink. A fatal instinct +guided me to the rum shop. It was during the first winter of my attendance +at the Fairview school that I was guilty of my first debauch. A young man +from Connersville came over to attend school, and I would remark in passing +that his father was chiefly interested in sending him to Fairview because +he thought that his boy would here be out of temptation. He arrived at noon +one day, and we were immediately made acquainted with each other, an +acquaintance which ripened into friendship on the spot. The roads were in +good condition for sleighing, and the next morning I proposed a ride. He +gladly accepted my invitation, and together we drove to Falmouth. At +Falmouth we each took a drink, and this fired us with a desire for more. We +drove to a house not far away where liquor was kept by the barrel, and +tried to get some, but failed--for we waited and waited to be invited in +vain--for no invitation was extended to us. Disappointed and half crazy for +whisky, we left the house and started on further in pursuit of the curse. +After driving about eight miles we halted at a place called Smelser's +Mills, where we were supplied with a bottle of Hostetter's Bitters, which +we drank without delay, and which was strong enough to make us reasonably +drunk, but which, nevertheless, did not come up to our ideas of what liquor +should be. My experience has been that about the worst and cheapest whisky +ever sold is that sold under the name of "bitters," and it costs more than +the best in the market. Excuse the word "best," but certain parts of +Dante's hell are good by comparison. I say to all and every one, shun every +drink that intoxicates, and shun nothing quicker than the patent medicines +which contain liquor, and while you are about it, shun patent medicines +which do not contain liquor. The chances are that they contain a deadlier +poison called opium. At any rate they seldom cure and often kill. + +After drinking our bottle of poisonous slop--that is, Hostetter's +Bitters--my friend and I began to boast, and each labored hard to impress +the other with his greatness. In order to make the proper impression, we +agreed that it was highly important that we should demonstrate the large +quantity we could drink and still be reasonably sober. I knew of a place a +few miles further on--a place called Hittle's--where I felt sure I could +get whisky without an immediate outlay of cash, a consideration of +importance since neither I nor my friend had a penny. We went to Hittle's, +and there I was successful in an attempt to get a quart of whisky, which we +at once proceeded to mix with the Hostetter article already burning up the +lining of our stomachs. The effect was not long in appearing, for in a +little while we were both very drunk, and I in particular was in the +condition best described as howling, crazy drunk. We stopped at a house to +light our cigars--for of course we both smoked and chewed tobacco--and as +my friend did not feel like getting out, I reeled into the kitchen and +picked up a shovelful of coals, which I lifted so near my mouth that I +scorched my hair and burnt my face, and, worse than all, singed the faint +suggestion of a mustache that was visible by the aid of a microscope, on my +upper lip. While I was engaged in lighting my cigar, a large dog--a tall, +lean, much-ribbed, lank and hungry-looking hound--went out to the sleigh, +and my friend induced him to accept passage with us; so when I got back to +my seat it was proposed that the hound should accompany us. I have often +wondered since if he was not heartily ashamed of being seen in our company +that day; but we made a martyr of him all the same. + +We drove off with a succession of whoops and yells, and carried the hound +in front. Our first halt was at Falmouth, where we ordered oysters. The +room in which we sat at table was quite small, and a large stove whose +sides were red with heat made it uncomfortably hot--especially for us who +were already in a sultry state. I had not sat at the table a minute when I +fell from my chair against the stove. My leg struck a hinge of the door, +and as my friend was too much overcome to realize my condition, I lay there +until the hinge burnt a hole through the leg of my pantaloons and then into +the flesh. I carry a scar to-day in memory of that time, and the scar is +about three inches long. The burn was over half an inch in depth. God only +knows what might have been the final result had not assistance soon come in +the person of the owner of the house. He called for help, and as soon as it +arrived we were placed in our sleigh, and by a kind of instinct drove to +Fairview. It was dark by the time we got into Fairview, but we contrived +to get our horse within the stable and that unfortunate hound into a +corn-crib, in which durance he howled so vigorously that the wild winds +which whistled and shrieked around the barn could not be heard for him. His +complaining lasted all night, and I do not think any one within a mile +of the crib slept that night, my friend and myself excepted. Ay, we +slept--slept as I have so often slept since--a slumber as deep and +oblivious as death--a drunken sleep, from which we awoke to suffer hell's +tortures so justly merited by our conduct. I awoke with a throbbing, aching +heart, but by slow degrees did I become conscious that I had been somewhere +in a sleigh and done something either very desperate or very foolish, or +both. At first my mind was so muddled, so beclouded with the fumes of +the infernal "bitters" and whisky that I thought I had burned a city. +While I was trying to solve the mystery of my course, I was aided by a +revelation so sudden that it startled me, for the owner of the hound came +galloping up and fiercely demanded to know where his dog was. He rated us +severely--accused us of stealing the animal, and threatened to prosecute us +then and there. I knew what we had done. In the meantime some one opened +the door of the crib and turned out the hound. He must have recognized the +voice of his master, for he joined the latter in his howling, and between +them they gave us good reason to wish that our ambition to keep that dog's +company had been in vain. The dog was more easily pacified than the man, +but finally on our offering to give him three plugs of tobacco to hush up +the affair, he became quiet and smoothed the ragged front of his anger. On +adding a cigar or two to the plugs, he brightened up and said we might have +the "darned houn'" any how, if we wanted him. But we had had enough of his +society and were willing to part from him without further expense. + +I don't think, seriously speaking, that I ever suffered more keenly from +the stings of remorse and fear than I did for one week after this debauch. +The remarkable part of it to me was our determination to take the dog. All +my life I have disliked dogs--dogs in general and hounds in particular. I +resolved never to drink again, and for some time kept the resolution. + +A few weeks following this "spree" there was an exhibition at the school +house, and several of the larger boys--myself among the number--assembled +themselves together, and, after a consultation, decided that, in order to +make the exhibition a success, there should be a limited amount of whisky +secured for our special use. We took up a collection, each contributing a +few cents, and two of the largest, tallest, and stoutest boys were +dispatched to Vienna, a small village three miles distant, to get it. A +vision of hounds passed before me, but the desire to get a drink drove them +yelping out of memory. The boys, on reaching Vienna, bargained for three +gallons of liquor, and brought it to our general headquarters. It was +wretched stuff--the vilest, meanest, rottenest poison that ever went under +the name of whisky. The boys who got it had carried it the three miles by +passing a stick through the handle of the jug. They got drunk on the way +back with it, and one of them fell into a branch, dragging the jug and the +other boy after him. Unfortunately the jug was not broken, and fortunately +the boys were not seriously hurt. It was a little after dark when they +stumbled across the meeting house yard to where we awaited them. The +following day we attacked the contents of the jug, and before midnight we +were all drunk--some rather moderately drunk, some very drunk, and some +dead drunk, as the phrase is. I myself was of the number that were dead +drunk. Some of the boys kept sober enough to fight, but I never would +fight, drunk or sober. I do not think I am a coward as regards personal +courage, and I really think the fear of hurting others restrained me from +ever mixing in brawls in those days. + +As the night wore away two or three of the boys became sober enough to hide +the jug, which they concealed in a corn-shock. These dragged the rest of us +to bed, although one of the party woke up in the wood-box with his head +downward and his feet dangling over the top of the box. Only those who have +been so unfortunate as to be in a similar condition can realize our state +of mental and physical feeling. Parched lips, scalded tongues, cracked +throats, throbbing temples, and burning shame were indisputably ours. So we +awoke on the morning of the day set apart for the exhibition, an exhibition +in which we were to appear before our respected teacher, friends and +relatives, besides all the people of the surrounding country. Early in the +day we commenced to get ready for the afternoon's work by resorting to the +same jug that so recently had bereft us temporarily of reason, and laid us +in the mud and snow. I only got one big drink of the poison and so +contrived to get through passably well with my part of the performance; +some of the boys got too much, and failed to remember anything, so that +they failed utterly and hid behind the curtains, and, taken all in all, we +did little or nothing toward the success of the exhibition or to making +those interested gratified with our parts. Some of the boys who figured on +the stage that day are dead; but others are alive and of those I am not the +only one writhing in the coils of the serpent of alcohol, though not one of +them has fallen so low as I. If at that time I might have been permitted to +lift the curtain and looked down future-ward through the unlighted years of +shame, and weariness, and suffering, I think the dreadful vision would have +stayed me forever in a career which has only grown darker and more +unendurable with every step. I kept on much in the same way, increasing in +length and frequency my ever recurring debauches, until the end of the +school term. + +I was well nigh twenty years of age, and from this place went to Cincinnati +to attend college. Here the opportunities to gratify my hereditary +appetite, made keen and sharp, and ever keener and sharper by indulgence, +were all about me. My companions were older and further advanced on the +road to ruin than I. My steps were more swift than ever before to tread the +path which leads surely to the everlasting bonfire. I could not fail to +notice while at college that the most brilliant and intellectual--those +whose future prospects were the most pleasing and bright--were the very +ones who most frequently drowned their hopes, and sapped their strength and +energy in alcoholic stimulants. O, vividly do I recall to mind examples of +heaven-bestowed genius, talent, health, and abilities, sacrificed on the +worse than bloody teocalli of this hideous and slimy devil, Intemperance! +How many master minds, instead of progressing sublimely through the broad, +deep, and august channels of thought, became impeded by the meshes and +clogs of intoxication, and were thus worse than prevented from exploring +the regions of immortal truth! How many dallied with the sirens of the wine +cup, until all power to grapple with great subjects was lost irrevocably! +How many are the instances in the world's history of great minds debased +and ruined by alcohol! Look back and around you at the lives of the +brightest literary geniuses and see how many are under the spell of this +Circe's baleful power! Think of the rich intelligences whose brightness has +prematurely faded and died away in the darkness of alcoholic night! What +hopes has alcohol destroyed! What resolves it has broken! What promises it +has blighted! Think of any or of all these things, and hasten to say with +Dr. Johnson that this vice of drink, if long indulged, will render +knowledge useless, wit ridiculous, and genius contemptible. Oh! how many +lost sons of earth, whose lamps of genius blazed only to light their +pathway to the tomb, might have achieved an inheritance of immortal fame +but for this vice, or disease as it may be. + +I write this with a hope that it may be a heeded warning to the +intellectual of earth, not less than the illiterate. The educated man is +more liable to suffer from strong stimulants than the man who is not +educated. Never was there a greater or more dangerous fallacy than that so +often urged, that the thinking functions are assisted by the use of +stimulating liquors or drugs. O, say some, Byron owed a great portion of +his inspiration to gin and water, and that was his Hippocrene. Nonsense! +His highest inspiration came from the beauty of the world and from God. +Lord Brougham, it has been declared, made his most brilliant speeches of +old port. Sheridan, it has been told, delivered some of his most sparkling +speeches when "half seas over." Eugene Sue found his genius in a bottle of +claret; Swinburne in absinthe, and so on. But who shall say what these +great, men lost and will lose in the end by this forcing process? Dr. W.B. +Carpenter, in referring to the supposed uses of alcohol in sustaining the +vital powers, says emphatically that the use of alcoholic stimulants is +dangerous and detrimental to the human mind, but admits that its use in +most persons is attended with a temporary excitation of mental activity, +lighting up the scintillations of genius into a brilliant flame, or +assisting in the prolongation of mental effort when the powers of the +nervous system would be otherwise exhausted. Concede this, and then answer +if it is not on such evidence that the common idea is based that alcohol is +a cause of inspiration, or that it supports the system to the endurance of +unusual mental labor. The idea is as erroneous as the no less prevalent +fallacy that alcoholic stimulants increase the power of physical exertion. +Physiologically the fact is established that the depression of the mental +energy consequent upon the undue excitement of alcoholic stimulants is no +less than the depression of the physical energy following its use. In +either case the added strength and exhilaration are of short duration, and +the depression and loss exceed the increased energy and the gain. The +influence of alcoholic stimulants seems to be chiefly exerted in exciting +to activity the creating and combining powers, such as give rise to the +high imaginations of the poet and the painter. It is not to be wondered at +that men possessing such splendid powers should have recourse to alcoholic +stimulants as a means of procuring often temporary exaltation of these +powers and of escaping from the seasons of depression to which they and +others of less high organizations are subject. Nor is it to be denied that +many of these mental productions which are most strongly marked by the +inspiration of genius, have been thrown off under the inspiration of the +stimulating influences of liquor. But it can not, on the other hand, be +doubted that the depression consequent upon the high degree of mental +excitement is, as already observed, as great as the first in its way--a +depression so great that it sometimes destroys temporarily the power of +effort. Hence it does not follow that the authors of the productions in +question have really been benefited by the use of these stimulants. + +It is the testimony of general experience that where men of genius have +habitually had recourse to alcoholic stimulants for the excitement of their +powers they have died at an early age, as if in consequence of the +premature exhaustion of their nervous energy. Mozart, Burns, Byron, Poe and +Chatterton may be cited as remarkable examples of this result. Hence, +although their light may have burned with a brighter glow, like a +combustible substance in an atmosphere of oxygen, the consumption of +material was more rapid, and though it may have shone with a more sober +lustre without such aid, we can not but believe that it would have been +steadier and less premature without it. We may also doubt that the finest +poems and the finest pictures have been written and painted even by those +in the habit of drinking while they were under the influence of liquor. We +do not usually find that the men most distinguished for a combination of +powers called talent or genius, are disposed to make such use of alcoholic +stimulants for the purpose of augmenting their mental powers, for that +spontaneous activity of mind itself which alcohol has a tendency to excite +is not favorable to the exercise of the observing faculties, which are so +important to the imagination, nor to those of reason, nor to steady +concentration on any given subject, where profound investigation or clear +sight is desirable. + +Of this we have an illustration in the habit of practical gamblers who, +when about to engage in contests requiring the keenest observation and the +most sagacious calculation, and involving an important stake, always keep +themselves cool either by total abstinence from fermented liquors, or by +the use of those of the weakest kind, in very small quantities. We find +that the greatest part of that intellectual labor which has most extended +the domain of thought and human knowledge has been performed by men of +sobriety, many of them having been drinkers of water only. Under this last +category may be ranked Demosthenes, Johnson, Haller, Bacon, Milton, Dante, +etc. Johnson, it is true, was a great tea drinker. Voltaire drank coffee at +times to excess, and occasionally a small quantity of light wine. So, also, +did Fontenelle. Newton solaced himself with the fumes of tobacco. Of Locke, +whose long life was devoted to constant intellectual labor, who appears +independently of his eminence in his special objects of pursuit one of the +best informed men of his time, the following explicit testimony is found by +one who knew him well: His diet was the same as that of other people, +except he usually drank nothing but water, and he thought that his +abstinence in this respect had preserved his life so long, although +naturally his constitution was so weak. In addition to these examples, +which I have quoted at length, I might also mention the case of Cornaro, +the old Italian philosopher, who at the age of thirty-five found himself on +a bed of misery and imminent death through intemperance. He amended his way +of life, and for upwards of four score years after, by a temperate course +of living, lived happily and did all the important work which has placed +his name among the men of great intellectual powers. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer +brawls--County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white +oxen--The "red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I +found myself in the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching +under difficulties--Quiet again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on +a spree"--What a spree means. + + +I left college in the spring of 1866, and returned home to the farm where I +spent the summer and autumn months in a very nervous and discontented +manner. For over four months my mental condition bordered on that of a +maniac, so completely had the use of liquor shattered my nervous system. I +became alarmed at my state, and for a time was deterred from drinking, or, +if I drank at all, the quantity was small. But fresh air and the little +work which I did on the farm, soon restored me. As the summer wore away I +attended pleasure parties, and found, not happiness, but a moment's +forgetfulness among the merry picnic parties in the woods. I had also the +distinguished honor of actually superintending and presiding over two of +these festivities, both of which were held in Horace Elwell's woods, on the +unsung, but classically rustic banks of Tom. Hall's mill-dam, near the +village which bears the historic and great name of Raleigh. I succeeded in +tiding myself through the first picnic without getting drunk. I mean more +particularly that I remained sober during the day--that is, sober enough to +keep it from being known that I had drank more than once or twice; but that +night at the ball at Louisville, I bit the dust, or, to get at the truth +more literally and unrhetorically, I fell down stairs and came within a +point of breaking my neck. Had I been sober the fall would have put an end +then and there to my miserable and worthless existence; but lest any one +should argue from this that after all whisky sometimes saves life, I would +have them bear in mind that if I had been sober the chances are I would not +have fallen. + +The next picnic was sadly interfered with by a violent storm of wind and +rain, which came up the day before the one set apart for it. The water +washed the sawdust which had been sprinkled on the ground for the dancers' +benefit into Hall's fretful mill-race, and thence down into the turbulent +and swollen Flat Rock. This, as well as other creeks, became so high that +it was out of the question to ford them. The boys could get to the grounds +very well, and many of them did get there, but the girls were not of a +mind to risk their lives for a day's doubtful amusement, and so the +picnic failed in the beginning. The young men--myself, of course, in the +lot--determined to have what was called "fun" at any rate, and to this end +they congregated during the day at Raleigh. Mr. Sam Crawford had an +abundant supply of beer and ale, and I wish to say that if there are any +persons so innocent as to doubt that beer and ale intoxicate they would +change from doubt to faith in the power of these slops to make men drunk, +could they experience or see what took place at Raleigh on that day. They +would be willing to testify in any court that beer will not only +intoxicate, but, taken in sufficient quantities, it will make men beastly +drunk and fill them with a spirit of fiendish cruelty. There were on that +day as many as four fights, with enough miscellaneous howling, cursing and +billingsgate to fill out the natural make-up of a hundred more. I was +drunk--so drunk that I did not know at the last whether my name was Benson +or Bennington. I suppose I would have sworn to the latter, had the question +been raised, but it was not. I did not fight, for, as I have said, I seemed +to have an instinctive dread of doing something terrible in the event of my +getting engaged in combat with another. Like Falstaff, it may be, I was a +coward on instinct. I have always thought, moreover, that the Hudibrastic +aphorism is worthy of practice, because nothing can be more evident than +the fact that + + "----He who runs away + May live to fight another day." + +From that time to the commencement of the season for county fairs, five or +six weeks later, I kept in a condition of sobriety. County fairs, I wish to +say, and especially the Rush county fairs, did more toward bringing on the +disastrous career which has been mine--a career which has befouled the +record of my life and marked almost every page of its history--witness this +biography--with blots of shame, discord and unholy suffering than any other +cause of an external character. I was very young when I first commenced to +take stock to the fair to exhibit for premiums. I always went on the first +day, and always remained until the fair came to a close, staying on the +grounds night and day. There was a vagabond element in my nature which +harmonized perfectly with this sort of life. The men with whom I associated +were, in general, of that class who like liquor alone or in company, and +each had his jug of favorite whisky, which was supposed to be a sure +preventive against cold and colds in cold weather, and against heat and +fever in hot weather. If invited to drink the rule was to accept +immediately and return the courtesy as soon as convenient. + +In those days I was the proud possessor of a yoke of white oxen, and I made +it a point to exhibit them at every fair within my reach, for they +invariably won the Red Ribbon, then a mark of the first prize. Alas, that +it did not mean to me what it now does! It meant anything rather than total +abstinence; it was an unfailing sign of drunkenness; it told of shameful +revels, of days of debauchery and nights of misery when not passed in +beastly slumber. That ribbon is now a symbol of holy temperance--it was +then a souvenir of days of disorder and evil-doing. + +During the winter I was engaged to teach a district school, and for three +months managed to keep tolerably sober--that is, I did not get drunk more +than three or four times, and then on Saturday nights and Sundays. One +Sunday--it was the coldest day that winter--I went to Falmouth and visited +a drinking place kept by one McPhillipps. While there I drank eleven +glasses of whisky. At nine o'clock in the evening, I can indistinctly +remember, I mounted my horse and started home, and from that moment until +the next day I knew nothing whatever that took place. From the way I was +bruised and battered I judge that I must have struck almost every fence +corner between McPhillipps' place and home. My legs were in a woful plight, +and having turned black and blue, they were frightful to see. On arriving +at the gate which led into the front yard at home, I fell off my horse and +tumbled to the ground, a wretched heap of helpless clay. I remained on the +ground, lying in the snow, until I froze my hands, feet, and ears. It was +about three o'clock in the morning when I got to the house. So they told +me, for I have no knowledge of going, and, indeed, I remembered nothing +that took place. + +When I came to consciousness I found myself wrapped up in a blanket, lying +in bed, with hot bricks at my feet. I was in the room occupied by father +and mother, and the first object that met my wandering sight was the face +of my mother. The look with which she regarded me will never fade from my +memory. There was in it the sorrow and anguish of death. She rose from her +bed at sight of me, and with streaming eyes and screaming voice called the +family up to bid them good-by; she said she was dying--that I had killed +her. I sprang from my bed in such a horror of terrible suffering, mental +and physical, as never swept over the body and soul of mortal man. I felt +my heart thumping and beating as though it would burst forth from my bosom; +the hot, hissing blood rushed to my aching, fevered brain, and a torrent of +sweat burst forth on my icy forehead. I could not have suffered more +physical agony had a thousand swords been driven through my quivering body, +nor would my miserable soul have been in more insufferable pain had it been +confined in the regions of the damned. It was some time before anything +like quiet was restored, but as soon as it was, some of the family went to +the gate and found my hat and took charge of the horse which I had ridden. +That morning I dragged myself to school with a sad, heavy heart. As my +scholars came in, they seemed to understand that something was the matter +with me, and often during the day their wondering looks were directed +toward me as if they sought some explanation of my appearance. The day was +a long and weary one to me--a day, like many another since then, of most +intense wretchedness. About noon one of my feet became so swollen that it +was necessary for me to take off my boot, and by the time I dismissed +school it had got so bad that I could not draw on my boot, so that I had to +walk home, a distance of one mile, over the frozen ground with nothing to +protect my foot but a woolen sock. On entering the house, my mother burst +into tears at sight of me. I must have been a pitiable object, and yet how +little did I deserve the wealth of priceless sympathy lavished upon me. +That night, and many nights succeeding it, the only way I could get into +bed was to put an old-fashioned chair with rounds in the back, beside the +bed and crawl up round by round until I got on a level with the bed, and +then let go and fall over into the bed. + +It is needless for me to say that I firmly resolved and honestly felt that +I would never again taste the liquor which leads to madness, misery, and +death. For some time I kept my resolution; and would to God that I could +here conclude by saying that I never again allowed a drop of it to pass my +lips. But I am writing an autobiography, and I have told you that I would +not shrink from telling the truth. So it will happen that other and still +more desperate and disgraceful episodes of drunkenness will have to be +recorded. + +In the spring of 1867 I went to Connersville, and began the study of law +with the Hon. John S. Reid. Unfortunately, and I fear designedly, I made my +acquaintances among, and selected my companions from, the most dissolute, +idle, and intemperate class of young men in the town. Connersville then had +and still has among its citizens some very wealthy men, who suffered their +boys to grow up without much care, mostly in idleness. As might be expected +the indifference of the fathers, joined to the natural inclinations of the +sons, has proved the ruin of the latter. I now call to mind several of +those young men who are hopeless and complete wrecks. Idleness and +dissipation have done their terrible work in every case which I call to +mind. + +I read a little law, and drank a great deal of whisky, and as a natural +consequence the time then passing was for the most part worse than lost. Up +to this period the duration of my sprees was not longer than a day and +night. They now were not confined to one day, for when I went out on what +is called a "regular spree," it was liable to be two or three days, as it +has since been two or three weeks, before I got back. Got back! Where from? +The reader knows too well. + +Out on a spree! These are melancholy and heart-breaking words. Out on a +spree! Oh, how much of misery is implied! Out on a spree! Readers, every +one, I hope you will never have it said that you are out on a spree. To go +out on a spree is to throw away strength, without which the battle of life +can not be fought; it is to squander money which you may need badly for the +necessaries of life, which had better be thrown into the fire and burnt up +than spent in such a way; it is to quench the light of ambition, to crush +hope, entomb joy, lay waste the powers of the mind, neglect duty, desert +the family, and commit in the end suicide. Arson may have walked by your +side while out on a spree, red murder may have grinned, dagger in hand, +upon you, and death stalked within your shadow, ready in a thousand ways to +strike you down. Don't go out on sprees. Think of the pity of them, the +wrong, the disgrace, the remorse, the misery. Going on an occasional spree +only will not do. Some men will keep sober for weeks, and even months, but +a birthday, or a wedding, or a national holiday, or a fit of the blues, or +a streak of good luck, starts them off, and habit, like a smouldering +flame, breaks out, and for a time all is over. Such men scotch, but they do +not kill the cobra of intemperance, and soon or late the other result will +follow, the snake will kill them. The reptile is tenacious of life, and so +long as the life remains there is danger from the deadly venom of its +tooth. Those who have never formed the habit of drinking had better die at +once than live to form it. Those who have formed the habit should subdue it +and never enter into a compromise with it. The good effects of months of +abstinence may be swept away in an hour. Open the flood-gates of indulgence +never so little and the torrent will force its way through and drown every +worthy resolution. Its tide is next to resistless. Days of drunkenness +succeed, months of self-denial are lost, and deplorable results follow +everywhere. Wives are driven to desperation, mothers to despair, children +to want. Demoralization, starvation, damnation follow. Friends are +separated, homes are desolated, and souls are driven to hell itself, and +yet people will talk lightly, and even jokingly of the very thing which +leads to these terrible losses and sufferings--out on a spree. + +Debauches not only destroy all capacity for usefulness while they last, but +they demand the vital strength which has wisely been gathered in the system +for days of possible need, when sickness and natural infirmities will lay +hands on the mind or body. The debauch of to-day will borrow from to-morrow +or from next week, or month, or year, that which can not be restored. The +bloated face, the dull, glassy eye, the furtive glance of fear and shame, +the trembling gait, all speak of ravages produced by other causes than +those of time. Indeed, the flight of years can produce no such effects, for +inexorable and wearing as fleeting days and months are, their natural +results differ very widely from those which are caused by an abuse of the +powers of nature. Besides this, many men who are shattered wrecks are still +young in years, and the dew of youth but for dissipation might yet have +glistened on their foreheads. + +It was at this period that the appetite burst forth in a fearful flame +which scorched life itself, and burnt every energy of my being. It was fast +getting to be a consuming, craving, devouring passion, subjecting my very +soul to its dreadful tyranny. My spells increased in frequency, and their +duration was more and more prolonged. I would remain drunk from eight to +ten days, until I got so nervous that I could not sleep, and night after +night I would be counting the hours and longing for morning, which, when it +came with its blessed light, gradually revealing the pattern of the paper +on the walls, caused me to hide my face in the bedclothes and wish for +black and never-ending night to come and hide me from the world and my +misery. From such vigils, feverish and unrefreshed, it may easily be +supposed that I sought the open window in anguish, and bathed my aching, +throbbing forehead in the cool, pure air. At last my condition became so +deplorable that my friends sent my father word to come and take me home, +which he did. While at Connersville, in all my dark and desolate trials, +William Beck was my friend and helper. He never then forsook me, and he +never since has forsaken me, but still remains my faithful and sympathizing +friend--a friend whose valuation is beyond gold, and for whom I entertain +the deepest feelings of gratitude. I returned home with my father and +remained several months, keeping sober all the while. During most of the +time I applied myself vigorously to the study of the law, making rapid +progress. + +I believe I have as yet not stated that, in the intervals long or short +between my sprees, I abstained totally from the use of ardent spirits. I +never could and never did drink in moderation. One drink would always +kindle such a fire in my blood that it was out of my power to prevent its +spreading into a conflagration. I have very many times been accused of +"drinking on the sly," as they say, but every such accusation is false. I +have also been accused of using opium. I know the pitiable wretch that +started that lie--for it is a lie--and the poor dupe that repeated it. For +five years my appetite has been so fierce at times, that, I repeat, had I +touched the point of the finest needle in alcohol and placed it to my +tongue, I would have got drunk had I known that that drunk would have +plunged my soul into hell and eternal torments. O appetite, cold, cruel, +heartless, accursed, consuming, devouring appetite! No other malady like +thee ever afflicted man. Would that I could paint thee, in all thy accursed +hideousness, in letters of unfading fire, and write them in the vaulted +firmament to flame forth to all generations to come their eternal warning. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +Law Practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad to +worse--My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, +God!"--Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's +duty--Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol. + + +My next move was to Rushville, where I opened an office and commenced +practicing law. For a time I kept sober, and was so successful in my +profession that from the very beginning I more than made my expenses. In +fact my prospects for a brilliant career as a lawyer seemed most +flattering. The predictions were many that an uncommon future lay before +me, but, alas, I could stand prosperity no better than adversity. My +appetite grew to such a craving for stimulants that it tortured me. It had +slumbered for weeks, as it has since, only to make itself manifest in the +end with the force of a hurricane. While it had appeared to sleep it was +gathering strength. At the time it dragged me down I was boarding with some +others at the house of an elderly widow. So completely was I transformed +from a man into something debased that I went to her house and fell through +the front door on the floor dead drunk. The landlady had me carried back to +my office, where I lay like a water-sodden log, wholly unconscious, until +the next morning. When I awoke I had no knowledge of anything that had +happened. My friends informed me of my fall at the house, and of their +bearing me back to the office. I upbraided myself bitterly, but it was days +before I had the courage to show my face on the streets, so keen were my +shame and sense of disgrace. Time softens the wildest remorse, and in a few +weeks I regained a state of quiet feeling. But unfortunately most of my +associates were among the class of young men who are never averse to taking +a drink, and it was not long before I found myself again visiting the +saloons, although I did not give up right away to take a drink with them. +But I got to staying in the saloons more than in my office, and began to go +down steadily. Good people who felt sorry for me, and who wanted to aid me, +would do nothing for me unless I would do something for myself, and this I +could not, or did not do. + +I moved from office to office, always descending in respectability, because +always violating my promises not to drink. Occasionally I would make a +desperate effort to reform, gathering about me every element of strength +which I could possibly command, and for a while I would be successful, but +just as hope would begin to light up my darkened path and my friends begin +to feel a new-born confidence in me, an infernal and terrible desire would +take possession of me, and in a moment all that I had gained would be swept +away by my yielding to the demon that tempted me. A debauch longer and more +utterly sickening and vile than the last followed, after which I would +settle down into a condition of hopelessness which would appal the bravest +and strongest. So deplorable, indeed, was my feeling regarding the matter +that then, as since, I kept on drinking for days after the appetite had +left me or had been satiated, in order to deaden the horrible agony that I +knew would crush me when my reason returned. + +I now come to an event in my life which affected me at the time beyond the +power of words, and which I can not without tears of choking sorrow even +now dwell upon. I refer to the death of my mother, which occurred during +the winter after my going to Rushville in 1867. She had been sick a long +time, and had suffered very intense pain, but for days before her death I +think she forgot her own physical torments in anxiety and solicitude about +me. I went home a few days before she died, and remained with her until the +last. She talked to me much and often, always begging and pleading with me +as only a dying mother can plead, to save myself from the life of a +drunkard. I promised her solemnly and honestly that I would never again +taste liquor. As I gazed upon her wasted face and read death in every +lineament, and heard the dread angel's approach in every breath of pain she +drew, and saw above all in her fast dimming eye that the horrors of her +approaching dissolution were almost unthought of in her care for me, I +resolved deep down in my heart never to taste liquor again, and kneeling by +her dying form, I called heaven to witness that no more, oh, never, never +more, would I go in the way of the drunkard, or touch, in any form, the +unpitying and soul-destroying curse. I looked on her face, which was +growing strangely calm and white. She was dead, and it came upon me that +she who had loved and suffered most for me, and without a reproach, was +never more to look upon me again or speak words of comfort and aid to my +ears, so often unheeding. At that moment, looking through scalding tears at +her holy face, and afterwards when I heard the grave clods falling with +their terrible sound upon her coffin lid, I swore that I would keep my +promise, no matter what the temptation to break it might be. She would not +be here to see my triumph, but I would conquer for her memory's sake, and +all would be well. I swore by earth, sea, and sky, never, never to break +the promise made to her in the moment of her dying. That promise I broke +within two months from the day it was solemnized by my mother's death. I +shudder still, remembering the agony of that fall. Broken, oh God!--the +promise has been broken, is what first entered my mind. Never before had I +suffered as I then suffered. + +My wild revel was protracted for days out of dread of the awful sorrow and +remorse that I knew must surely come on my getting sober. My mother +appeared to me in my troubled dreams, and talked to me as in life. Many +times in my slumber, and in my waking fancies did I see her pale, troubled +face, with her pitying eyes looking on me as from that bed of pain and +death, and at such times I reached out my hands toward her in mute pleading +for forgiveness, forgetting or not knowing that she was dead. But the +moment soon came when the truth was flashed through the blackness of night +upon me, and then my misery was more than I could bear. For years before +her death I had lain in my bed and listened to her moaning in her troubled +sleep, to the sighs which escaped from her heart and that of my father, and +I promised the God of my hoped-for salvation that if he would only let me +live I would no more give them pain. Cold, clammy sweat broke out over my +face, and my heart beat so low, and slow, and weak, that in very terror I +felt that my eyeballs were bursting from my head. Again and again I begged, +and plead, and prayed that God would spare me and let me live until I could +convince my father and mother that I never would drink again. But my +prayers were not answered. My mother went out from me in fear, and dread, +and doubt. My father lives, but for me he has little or no hope. If ever a +mortal longed and yearned for one thing more than another in this uncertain +existence, I long for a peaceful and quiet evening of life for my beloved +father. I implore the Father of all of us to give me grace and strength +enough to keep sober until my remaining parent is fully persuaded that I am +truly and beyond question saved from the curse which has driven me to an +asylum, and well nigh sent him, a broken-hearted man, to his grave. O for +a strength which will forever enable me to resist the hell-born and +hell-supported power of the fiend Alcohol! Could I do this and have my +father know it his dying hour would be full of sweet peace, and a joy so +shining that its light would drive afar off the shadows of his death agony. +In that knowledge death would be vanquished and heaven would stoop to earth +and cover his grave with glory. Oh, God! Grant me this one boon! Give me +this one request! In every step of my life I have disappointed him. In the +future let all other hopes, and joys, and aspirations die, if needs be, all +but this--this one--that I may never in any way touch liquor again. May +every man and woman who sees this allow their hearts to go out in an +earnest prayer that I may succeed in this one thing. It is now too late for +me to reach the bright promises of other years. It is now too late for me +to regain all that has been lost, but this I would do, and it will make me +feel at the last that I have not lived altogether to be a remorse and shame +to those who are bound to me by ties which can not be broken. God may +answer your prayers if not mine, so that from the throne of heavenly grace +may come the peace and rest for which my weary soul has sought so long in +vain. + +When I drank after my mother's death, many persons took occasion, on +learning of it, to censure me in unsparing terms. It was even said that I +did not love my mother in life, that I had no respect for her memory in +death, and that I was a heartless wretch. These persons had no knowledge of +the power of my appetite. They did not know that the passion for liquor, +once developed or firmly established, is stronger in its unholy energy than +the love of the heart--of my heart, at least--for mother, father, brother, +or sister. But let me beg that I may not be charged with indifference to my +mother's memory. She comes before me now; she who was a true wife, a +faithful friend, a loving and gentle mother, and I kneel to her and pray +her blessing and pardon--I would clasp her to my heart, but alas! when I +would touch her, the bitter memory comes that she is gone. But I would not +repine, for I know she is with her God. Her life was pure and blameless, +and her soul, on leaving its weary earthly tabernacle, passed to its +inheritance--a mansion incorruptible, and one that will not fade away. She +bore her cross without a murmer of complaint, and she has been crowned +where the spirit of the just are made perfect. Blessed are the pure in +heart, we read, and I know that I am not misquoting the spirit of the holy +book when I say for the same reason, blessed is my mother, for she was pure +of heart, and passed from tribulation to peace, from night to day, from +sorrow to joy, from weariness to rest--rest in the bosom of God. + +It may be that some young man will read these pages whose mother is still +among the living. I do not think that such a one will be without love for +his mother--a dear, compassionate, doating, gentle mother, who loved him +before he knew the name of love; who sang him to sleep in the years that +were, and awoke him with kisses on the bright mornings long ago; who bathed +his head with a soft hand when it throbbed with pain, and smiled when the +glow of health was on his cheek. She wept holy tears when he suffered, and +when he was delighted her heart beat with pleasure. It was she who taught +him that august prayer which is sacred in its simplicity to childhood. She +is aged now; her wealth of brown hair is white with age's winter, her step +is no longer quick, her eye has lost its lustre, and her hand is shaken +with the palsy of lost vigor. There are wrinkles in her brow and hollows in +the cheeks which were once so lovely that his father would have bartered a +kingdom for them. She is sitting by the side of the tomb waiting for the +mysterious summons which must soon come. Oh, young man, you for whom this +mother has suffered, you for whom she cherishes a love which is priceless +and deathless, you will not hasten her into eternity by an act, or word, or +look, will you? It would kill her to know that you had fallen under sin's +destroying stroke. Sometimes she goes to the portrait of your boyish face +and looks at it; at other times she takes down some worn and faded garment, +that you were wont to wear in those beautiful days of the past, and recalls +how you looked when you wore it; then she goes to the room where you used +to sleep and looks at the cradle in which she so often rocked you to sleep, +and, after all is seen, she returns to her chair--the old easy chair--and +waits to hear tidings of you. What would you have her know? + +What news of yourself can you send her? Think of it well. Will you put your +wayward foot on her tender and feeble heart? Is her breathing so easy that +you would impede it with a brutal stab? Oh, if you know no pity for +yourself, have some for her. You will not murder her, will you? Yes, you +reply, and the laughter of mocking devils floats up from the caves of +hell--"Yes! give me more rum!" Now, hear the truth: The time will come when +the grass will seem to wither from your feet, pain will stifle your breath, +remorse will gnaw your heart and fill all your days and nights with misery +unspeakable; your dreams will torture you in sleep, and your waking +thoughts will be torments; your path will lie in gloom, and your bed will +be a pillow of thorns. You will cry in vain for that departed mother. You +will beg heaven to give her back, but the grave will be silent. The grasses +are creeping over her tomb, and the white hands have crumbled upon her +faithful breast. But no, you will not kill her. You will not call for rum. +I have wronged you, thank God! You will be a man. You are a man. You will +lay this book down, and swear that you will never touch the accursed, +ruinous drink, and you will keep your oath. By sobriety and good habits you +will lengthen your mother's days in the land, and smooth her troubled brow, +and give strength to her failing limbs. + +Rum is a dreadful knife whose edge is never red with blood, but which yet +severs throats from ear to ear. It assassinates the peace of families, it +cuts away honor from the family name, it lets out the vital spark of life, +and is followed by inconsolable death. It pierces hearts, and enters the +bosom of trust, goring it with gashes which God alone can heal. Rum is a +robber who is deaf to hungry children's cries and famished wives' +pleadings. He is a fell destroyer from whom peace and comfort and content +fly. No one can afford to be his subject, and it is the duty of every one +to rise in arms against him. Let him be cursed everywhere. Let anathemas be +hurled against him by the young and old of both sexes. Death is an angel of +mercy sometimes--this destroyer never. Death may open the gates of heaven +to every victim, but this destroyer can unbar alone the gates of hell. He +takes away concord and love and joy, and in their stead leaves the horror +and misery of pandemonium! + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking +corn--My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious +journey--Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the +damned--Heavenly hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the +woods--At Mr. Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded +by devils--Fears and sorrows--No rest. + + +From this time until I tried to break the terrible chain that bound me by +lecturing on the miseries and evils of intemperance, my life was one long, +hopeless, blank, black night. More than one half of the time for five years +I was dead to everything but my own despairing, helpless, pitiable and +despicable condition. I was afloat without provision, sail, or compass, on +an ocean of darkness, and from one period of deeper gloom to another I +expected to go down in the sightless oblivion and so end my accursed +existence. I could see no prospect of a rift in the curtain of pitchy cloud +which hung over me. I was myself an ever-shifting, restless, uneasy +tempest. My unrest and nervous dread of some swift approaching doom too +awful to be conceived became so intense and real that I fled from place to +place. Not unfrequently I came to myself during these epochs of madness +and found that I was a hundred or more miles from home, without friends, +respectable or even sufficient clothing, or money--a bloated and beastly +wreck. I know not how I ever found my way back, or why I prolonged +my life under such circumstances; but it seems the instinct called +self-preservation was yet stronger than the ills which assailed me. Days +were like weeks to me, and weeks as months, and mouths as years, and in all +and through all I managed to crawl forward toward the grave which is still +out yonder in the future, finding no pleasure in myself and no delight in +anything beautiful and holy. As I lift the dread curtain and glance +tremblingly along the path which stretches through the funereal shadows of +the past, I feel that it was a thousand years ago when I was a child in my +mother's dear protecting arms. Sin may have moments of pleasure, but the +pleasure is but a hollow semblance in advance of seemingly never-ending +hours of remorse and suffering. + +More than once I made desperate efforts to escape from my humiliating +thraldom, and, as I was sober during the days of struggle, I sought and +found business, and thus managed to secure a little money, although most of +my clients were poor and anything but influential. I always did my best for +them, however, and seldom lost a case. But at the end of a few days a +strange, undefinable, uneasy feeling began to crawl over me and crept into +my heart; I became more and more restless, anxious and nervous. I was soon +too uneasy to sit still or lie down. Horrible sufferings, agonies untold, +woe unspeakable, deprived me of reason, and when I had the inclination I +had not the will to guide myself aright. Then all of a sudden, my fierce +and unrelenting appetite would sweep, vulture like, down upon me, and I +would feel myself on the point of giving way. After this I would rally +for a brief season, but only to sink into still deeper misery and +desperation. There were days without food, and nights without sleep, +but--God pity me!--not without liquor. I lived on the hellish liquid +alone, and such a life! The devils of the lower world could see nothing to +envy in it. It was worse than their own torture. The quantity of liquor +which I now required was enormous. I have drank, on the closing days of a +spree, one gallon of whisky within the duration of twenty-four hours, and +when I could not get whisky, I would drink alcohol, vinegar, camphor, +liniment, pepper-sauce--in short, anything that would have a tendency to +heat my stomach. I would have drank fire could I have done so knowing that +it would satisfy the thirst that was consuming me. I left untried no means +that would enable me to break away from my appetite. For two or three +summers after I began practicing law, I went into the country and engaged +myself to plow corn at seventy-five cents per day, in order to keep myself +as long as possible from the dangers of the town. In the autumn season, +after a debauch of weeks, I have hired out and shucked or husked corn in +order to get money with which to buy myself boots and winter clothing. I +occasionally taught school in the country, but not for money, for I have +made more at my profession, when in a condition to practice it, in a single +day than I got for teaching a whole month. My object was to free myself, to +break my manacles, to open the door of my prison cell and walk forth in the +upright posture of a man. Sadly I write, "in vain!" If I fled, the demon +outran me; if I broke a link, the demon moulded another; if I prayed, he +put the curse into my mouth. As I look back over my horror-haunted, broken, +misspent, and false existence, I realize how worthless I am, and I see that +my life is a failure. I am in my thirty-second year, and am prematurely +old, without the wisdom, or gray hairs, or goodness, or truth, or respect +which should accompany age. My heart is frosty but not my hair. + +I will now endeavor to recite some of the scenes through which I passed, +that the reader may form for himself an opinion regarding my sufferings. I +left Rushville on one of my periodical sprees (I do not remember the exact +time, but no matter about that, the fact is burning in my memory), and +after three or four weeks of blind, insane, drunken, unpremeditated +travel--heaven only knows where--I found myself again in Rushville, but +more dead than alive. I experienced a not unfamiliar but most strange +foreboding that some terrible calamity was impending. I was more nervous +than ever before, so much so in fact that I became alarmed seriously, and +called on Dr. Moffitt for medical advice. He diagnosed my case, and +informed me that my condition was dangerous, unnatural and wild. He gave me +some medicine and kindly advised me to go into his house and lie down, I +remained there two days and nights, and in spite of his able treatment and +constant care I grew worse. Do you know what is meant by delirium tremens, +reader? If not, I pray God you may never know more than you may learn from +these pages. I pray God that you may never experience in any form any of +the disease's horrors. It was this, the most terrible malady that ever +tortured man, that was laying its ghastly, livid, serpentine hands upon me. +All at once, and without further warning, my reason forsook me altogether, +and I started from Dr. Moffitt's house to go to my boarding place. The +sidewalks were to me one mass of living, moving, howling, and ferocious +animals. Bears, lions, tigers, wolves, jaguars, leopards, pumas--all wild +beasts of all climes--were frothing at the mouth around me and striving to +get to me. Recollect that while all this was hallucination, it was just as +real as if it had been an undeniable and awful reality. Above and all +around me I heard screams and threatening voices. At every step I fell over +or against some furious animal. When I finally reached the door leading to +my room and just as I was about to enter, a human corpse sprang into the +doorway. It had motion, but I knew that it was a tenant of that dark and +windowless abode, the grave. It opened full upon me its dull, glassy, +lustreless eyes; stark, cold, and hideous it stood before me. It lifted a +stiffened arm and struck me a blow in the face with its icy and almost +fleshless hand from which reptiles fell and writhed at my feet. I turned to +rush into another room, but the door was bolted. I then thought for a +second that I was dreaming, and I awoke and laughed a wild laugh, which +ended in a shriek, for I knew that I was awake. I turned again toward my +own door, and the form had vanished. I jumped into my room and tore off my +clothes, but as I threw aside my garments, each separate piece turned into +something miscreated and horrible, with fiendish and burning eyes, that +caused my own to start from their sockets. My room was filled with menacing +voices, and just then a mighty wind rushed past my window, and out of the +wind came cries, and lamentations, and curses, which took shapes unearthly, +and ranged about the bed on which I lay shuddering. Die! die! die! they +shrieked. I was commanded to hold my breath, and they threatened horrors +unimaginable if I did not obey. + +I now believed that my time had come to render up the life which had been +so much abused. I asked what would become of my soul when my body gave it +up, and they told me it would descend to the tortures of an everlasting +hell, and that once there, my present sufferings would be as bliss compared +with what was in store for me for an endless age. As my eyes wandered about +the room--I was afraid to close them--I saw that innumerable devils were +crowding into it. They were henceforth to be my companions, and if the +Prince of all of them ever allowed me to leave for a brief time the regions +of infernal woe, it would be in their company and on missions such as they +were now fulfilling. I called aloud for my mother, and a voice more +diabolical than any I had yet heard, hissed into my ears that she was +chained in hell, but immediately a million devils screamed, "Liar! she is +in heaven!" I refused then to hold my breath, and told them to kill me and +do their worst. In an instant the spirit of my mother, like a benediction, +rested beside me. As she begged for me I knew that it was her voice, +natural as in her life on earth. While she was yet imploring for me the +room became radiant, and I saw that it was full of angels. I felt a strange +joy. My sins were pardoned, and I was told that I should go forth and +preach and save souls. I was commanded to get out of bed, put on my +clothes, and go down stairs, where I would be told what to do. I obeyed, +and on opening the door that led to the street, a man came to me and he bid +me follow him. The spirits whispered to me that the man was Christ, and his +looks, acts and steps even were such as I had conceived were his when he +was once a meek and lowly sufferer on earth. I followed him about sixty +rods, when he told me to stop. I did so, and just then the heavens opened +with a great blaze of glory, and millions of angels came down. Such music +as then broke upon my senses I never heard before, and have never since +heard. The angels would approach near me and tell me they were going to +take me to heaven with them; then they would disappear for an instant and +devils gathered about me. I could hear music and see the heavenly hosts +returning. They came and went many times thus, and after they went away the +last time, I was again surrounded by fiends who inflicted every torture on +me. Christ commanded me to stand in that place, I thought, and there I +remained. It was very cold, and I froze my feet and hands. I then felt that +the devils were burning off my feet, and I shrieked for liquor. I looked +down and saw a bottle at my feet, but when I reached down to get it a lion +threw his claws over it, and warned me with a fierce growl not to touch it. +The snow melted, the season changed, and I was standing in mud and mire up +to my neck. Ropes were tied around me, and horses were hitched to them to +drag me from the deeps, but in trying to draw me out the ropes would snap +asunder and I was left imbedded in the clay. They could not move me, +because Christ had commanded me to stand there. A little while before the +break of day the Savior appeared and told me to go. I started to run, but +when I got alongside the old depot there burst from it the combined screams +of millions of incarnate devils. I can hear in fancy still the avalanche of +voices which rolled from those lost myriads. I ran into the first house to +which I came. Its saw at a glance what was the nature of my terrible +trouble, but he had no power to help me. I beheld the face of a black fiend +grinning on me through a window. In the center of his forehead was an +enormous and fiery eye, and about his sinister mouth the grin which I at +first saw became demoniacal. He called the fiends, and I heard them come as +a rushing tornado, and surround the house. Everything I attempted to do was +anticipated by them. If I thought of moving my hand I heard them say, +"Look! he is going to lift his hand." No matter what I did or thought of +doing, they cursed me. + +When daylight at last came--and oh, what an age of dying agony lay behind +it in the vast hollow darkness of the night!--the horrid objects +disappeared, but the voices remained and talked with me all day. You who +read, imagine yourselves alone in a room, or walking deserted streets, with +voices articulating words to you with as clear distinctness as words were +ever spoken to you. Many of the voices were those of friends and +acquaintances whom I knew to be in their graves, and yet they--their +voices--were conversing with, or talking to me, during the whole of that +long, long, terrible day. I was tortured with fears and a dread of +something infinitely horrible. I went to my office--the voices were there! +I stepped to the window, and on the street were men congregating in front +of the building. I could hear their voices, and they were all talking of +hanging me. I had committed an appalling crime, they said. I knew not where +to go or whither to fly. Now and then I could hear strains of music. The +dreaded night came on, and with it the fiends returned. In the excitement +of breaking from my office, I forgot to put on my overcoat. The moment I +got on the street the freezing wind drove me back, but hundreds of voices +gathered around me and threatened me with death if I entered the door +again. I went away followed by them, and wandered in a thin coat up and +down the streets, and through the woods all night. The wonder was that I +did not freeze to death. I could hear crowds of excited people at the court +house discussing me, I thought. When I started to go there, every door and +window of the building flew open and fiery devils darted out and cursed me +away. All the time I was dying for whisky, but the saloon keepers would not +give me a drop. They saw and understood what was the matter with me, and +refused to finish the work begun in their dens. I started at last in the +direction of home. Just outside of the town a man by my side showed me a +bottle of whisky. I was dying for it, and begged him for at least one +swallow. He opened the bottle and held it to my lips, and I saw that the +bottle was full of blood. Again and again did he deceive me. Exhausted at +last, I sank down in the snow and begged for death to come and end my life, +but instead, a company of citizens of Rushville, whom I knew, gathered +around me and a glass of whisky was handed to me. I saw that everyone +present held a similar glass in his hand, which, at a given word, was +raised to the mouth. I hastened to drink, but while they drained their +glasses, I could not get a drop from mine. I looked more closely at the +glass and discovered that there were two thicknesses to it, and that the +liquor was contained between them. I studied how I could break the glass +and not spill the whisky, and begged and plead with the men to have mercy +on me. I got out into the woods four or five miles from Rushville, and +wandered about in the snow, but all around and above me were the universal +and eternal voices threatening me. A thousand visions came and went; a +thousand tortures consumed me; a thousand hopes sustained me. + +I quit the woods pursued by winged and cloven-footed fiends, and ran to the +house of Andy Hinchman. He received and gave me shelter until morning, when +he carried me back home in his buggy. I had no more than got into his house +when it was surrounded by my tormentors. They raised the windows and +commenced throwing lassos at me, in order, as they said, to catch me and +drag me out that they might kill me. I sat up in my chair until daylight, +fighting them off with both hands. All these terrible torments were, I +repeat, realities, intensified over the ordinary realities of life a +hundred fold. I had wandered to and fro, as I have described, but the +people, the angels and the devils were alike the phantasmagoria of my +diseased mind. For one week after the night last mentioned, I had no use of +either arm. I had so frozen my feet that I could not put on my boots. Mr. +Hinchman kindly loaned me a pair that I succeeded, although with great +pain, in drawing on, for they were three sizes larger than I was in the +habit of wearing. The devils were still with me, but I had moments of +reason when I could banish them from my mind. On our way to town they rode +on top of the buggy and clung to the spokes of the wheels, and whirled over +and over with dizzy revolutions. How they fought, and cursed, and shrieked! +When I got to my room it was the same, and for days I was surrounded the +greater part of the time with demons as numberless as those seen in the +fancy of the mighty poet of a Lost Paradise marshaled under the infernal +ensign of Lucifer on the fiery and blazing plains of hell! For more than +one month after the madness left me I was afraid to sleep in a room alone, +and the least sound would fill me with fear. I ran when none pursued, and +hid when no one was in search of me. My sleep was fitful and full of +terrible dreams, and my days were days of unrest and anguish unspeakable. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy. + + +My condition now grew worse from day to day. I descended step by step +to the lowest depths of wretchedness and degradation. Often my only +sleeping-place was the pavement, or a stairway, or a hall leading to some +office. I lost my clothes, pawning most of them to the rum-sellers, until I +was unfit to be seen, so few and dirty and ragged were the garments which I +could still call my own. In ten years I have lost, given away, and pawned +over fifty suits of clothes. Within the three years just past I have had +six overcoats that went the way of my reputation and peace of mind. + +I left Rushville at the time of which I am writing, but not until it was +out of my power to either buy or beg a drop of liquor--not until my +reputation was destroyed and everything else that a true man would +prize--and then, like the prodigal who had wallowed with swine, I returned +to my father's house--the home of my childhood, around which lay the scenes +which were imprinted on my mind with ineffaceable colors. But I had +destroyed the sense which should have made them comforting to me. I have no +doubt that nature is beautiful--that there are fine souls to whom she is a +glorious book, on whose divine pages they learn wisdom and find the highest +and most exalting charms. But I, alas, am dead to her subtle and sacred +influences. However, I might have been benefited by my stay at home, had it +been difficult for me to find that which my appetite still craved; but it +was not so. Falmouth and Raleigh and Lewisville were still within easy +reach, and not only at these, but at many other places could liquor be +procured, and I got it. The curse was on me. My condition became such that +it was unsafe to send me from home on any business. I can recall times when +I left horses hitched to the plow or wagon and went on a spree, forgetting +all about them, for weeks. I had left home firm in the resolve to not touch +a drop of liquor under any circumstances, and so thoroughly did I believe +that I would not, that I would have staked my soul on a wager that I would +keep sober. But the sight of a saloon, or of some person with whom I had +been on a drunk, or even an empty beer keg, would rouse my appetite to such +an extent that I gave up all thoughts of sobriety and wanted to get drunk. +I always allowed myself to be deceived with the idea that I would only get +on a moderate drunk this time, and then quit forever. But the first drink +was sure to be followed by a hundred or a thousand more. + +Once while in a state of beastly intoxication at Rushville, my father came +for me and took me home in a wagon, and for two weeks I scarcely stirred +outside of the house. But the house which should have been a paradise to me +was made a prison by reason of my desires for the hell-created liberty of +entering saloons and associating with men as reckless as myself. I became +morose, nervous, and uneasy. I took a horseback ride one morning and would +not admit to myself that I cared less for the ride than to feel that I +could go where I could get liquor. I did not want to drink, but like the +moth which returns by some fatal charm again and again to the flames which +eventually consume it, I could not resist the temptation to go where I +could lay my hands on the curse. There was on the farm, among the horses, +one that was unusually wild, which had hitherto thrown every person that +mounted it. The only way it could be managed at all was with a rough +curb-bitted bridle, and even then each rein had to be drawn hard. If there +was any one thing on which I prided myself at that time it was my +proficiency in riding horses. I determined on mastering this horse, and +early one morning I mounted his back. I got along without a great amount of +difficulty in keeping my seat until I got to Raleigh. Here I dismounted and +sat in the corner groceries for an hour or more, talking to acquaintances. +Finally, like the dog returning to his vomit, I crossed the street and went +into a saloon. Had the door opened into the vermilion lake of fire I would +have passed through it if I had been sure of getting a drink, so sudden and +uncontrollable was the appetite awakened. Only a few minutes before I had +with religious solemnity assured two young men who were keeping a dry goods +store there that I had quit drinking forever. To test me, I suppose, one of +them had said to me that he had some excellent old whisky, and wanted me to +try a little of it, and offered me the jug. I carried it to my mouth, and +took a swallow. It was a villainous compound of whisky, alcohol and drugs +of various kinds, which he sold in quart bottles under the name of some +sort of bitters which were warranted to cure every disease: and I will add +that I believe to this day that they would do what he said they would, for +I do not think any human being, bird, or beast, unless there is another +Quilp living, could drink two bottles of it in that number of days and not +be beyond the need of further attention than that required to prepare him +for burial. It was the sight of the jug and the taste of the poison slop +which it contained that aroused my appetite and scattered my resolves to +the tempest. Once in the saloon I drank without regard to consequences, and +without caring whether the horse I rode was as jaded and tame as Don +Quixote's ill-favored but famous steed, or as wild and unmanageable as the +steed to which the ill-starred Mazeppa was lashed. I did not stop to +consider that a clear head and steady hand were necessary to guide that +horse and protect my life, which would be endangered the moment I again +mounted my horse. Ordinarily I would have gone away and left the horse to +care for itself, but I remembered the character of the horse, and with a +drunken maniac's perversity of feeling I would not abandon it. I designed +getting only so drunk, and then I would show the folks what a young man +could really do. On leaving the saloon I returned to the jug, which +contained the mixture described, and which would have called up apparitions +on the blasted heath that would have not only startled the ambitious thane, +but frightened the witches themselves out of their senses. + +I took one full drink--what is called in the vernacular of the bar room a +"square" drink--from the jug, and that, uniting with the saloon slop, made +me a howling maniac. I have forgotten to mention that I got a quart of as +raw and mean whisky in the saloon as was ever sold for the sum which I gave +for it--fifty cents. It was about nine o'clock at night when I bethought me +of the horse which I had sworn to ride home that evening. I untied the +beast with some difficulty, and led him to a mounting block. I got on the +block, and, after putting my foot securely in the stirrup, fell into the +saddle, I was too drunk to think further, and so permitted the horse to +take whatever course suited it best. It took the road toward home, but not +as quietly as a butterfly would have started. He flew with furious speed, +onward through the night, bearing me as if I had only been a feather. I did +not, for I could not, attempt to control him. It was a race with death, and +the chances were in death's favor long before we reached the home stretch. +Possibly I might have ridden safely home had the road been a straight one, +but it was not, and, on making a short turn, I was thrown from the saddle, +but my feet were securely fastened in the stirrups, and so I was dragged +onward by the animal, which did not pause in its mad career, but rather +sped forward more wildly than ever. I was dragged thus over a quarter of a +mile, and would undoubtedly have been killed had not one and then the other +stirrup broken. I lay with my feet in the detached stirrups until near +morning, wholly unconscious and dead, I presume, to all appearances. It was +quite a while after I came to my senses before I could realize what had +happened, who, and what, and where I was, and then my knowledge was too +vague to enable me to determine anything definitely. I crawled to a house +which was near by, fortunately, and remained there during the morning. I +was badly, but not dangerously, injured. The skin was torn from one side of +my face, and three of my fingers were disjointed. I was bruised all over, +and cut slightly in several places. How I escaped death is a miracle, but +escape it I did. The horse went on home and was found early in the morning, +with the stirrup leathers dangling from the saddle. When the family saw the +horse they at once were of the opinion that I had been killed, and my +father took the road to Raleigh immediately, thinking to find my dead body +on the way. Fearing that they would discover the horse and be frightened +about me, I started home, and had not gone far when I met my father. As +soon as he saw me walking in the road, he burst into tears. I did not dare +look as he rode up to me, but continued walking, and he rode slowly past +me. I could hear his sobs, but was too much overcome with shame to speak. I +walked on toward home as fast as I could, and my heart-broken but happy +father followed slowly in my rear. When I got within sight of the house my +sister saw me and ran to meet me, crying: "Oh, we thought you were killed +this time--I was sure you were killed. It is so dreadful to think of!" etc. +She was crying and laughing in a breath. My feelings were such as words can +not describe. I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up. I suffered a +thousand deaths. This is only one of a hundred similar debauches, each more +deplorable and humiliating in its consequences than the last. + +At times, as the waters of the awful sea called the Past dash over me, I +almost die of strangulation. I pant and gasp for breath, and shudder and +tremble in my terror. My spree on this occasion was not yet over; my +appetite was burning and raging, and notwithstanding my almost miraculous +escape from a drunken death, I watched my opportunity, like a man bent on +self-destruction, and again mounted the same horse and started for Raleigh. +But my father had preceded me, and given orders at the saloon and elsewhere +that I should not be allowed more liquor. I was determined to satisfy my +appetite, and with this purpose subjugating every other, I went on to +Lewisville, where I remained for more than a week, drinking day and night. +Finally one of my brothers, hearing of my whereabouts, came after me and +took me home. I was so completely exhausted the moment that the liquor +began to die out that I had to go to bed, and there I remained for some +time. After such debauches the physical suffering is intense and great; but +it is little in comparison with the tortures of the mind. After such a +spree as the one just mentioned, it has generally been out of my power to +sleep for a week or longer after getting sober. I have tossed for hours and +nights upon a bed of remorse, and had hell with all its flames burning in +my heart and brain. Often have I prayed for death, and as often, when I +thought the final hour had come, have I shrunk back from the mysterious +shadow in which flesh has no more motion. Often have I felt that I would +lose my reason forever, but after a period of madness, nature would be +merciful and restore me my lost senses. Often have I pressed my hands +tightly over my mouth, fearing that I would scream, and as often would a +low groan sound in my blistered throat, the pent up echo of a long maniacal +wail. Often have I contemplated suicide, but as often has some benign power +held back my desperate hand; once, indeed, I tried to force the gates of +death by an attempt to take my own life, but, heaven be forever praised! I +did not succeed, for the knife refused to cut as deep as I would have had +it. I thought I would be justifiable in throwing off by any means such a +load of horror and pain as I was weighed down with. Who would not escape +from misery if he could? I argued. If the grave, self-sought, would hide +every error, blot out every pang, and shield from every storm, why not seek +it? + +They have in certain lands of the tropics a game which the people are said +to watch with absorbing interest. It is this: A scorpion is caught. With +cruel eagerness the boys and girls of the street assemble and place the +reptile on a board, surrounded with a rim of tow saturated with some +inflammable spirit. This ignited, the torture of the scorpion begins. +Maddened by the heat, the detested thing approaches the fiery barrier and +attempts to find some passage of escape, but vain the endeavor! It retreats +toward the center of the ring, and as the heat increases and it begins to +writhe under it, the children cry out with pleasure--a cry in which, I +fancy, there is a cadence of the sound which sends a thrill of delight +through hell--the sound of exultation which rises from the tongues of +bigots when the martyr's soul mounts upward from the flames in which his +body is consumed. Again the scorpion attempts to escape, and again it is +turned back by that impassable barrier of fire. The shouts of the children +deepen. At last, finding that there is no way by which to fly, the hated +thing retreats to the center of its flaming prison and stings itself to +death. Then it is that the exultation of the crowd of cruel tormentors is +most loudly expressed. But do not infer from what I have said that I look +with favor on suicide under any circumstances. That I do not do, but I +would have you look at society and some of its victims. + +See what barriers of flame are often thrown around poor, despairing, +miserable men! Listen to that indifference and condemnation, and this wail +of agony! Can you wonder that the outcast abandons hope and plunges the +knife into his heart? He is driven to madness, and feeling that all is +lost, he commits an act which does indeed lose everything for him, for it +bars the gates of heaven against him. Before he had nothing on earth; now +he has nothing in paradise. Alas for those who triumph over the fall of a +fellow creature. God have mercy on those who exult over the wretchedness of +a victim of alcohol! Woe to those who ridicule his efforts to escape, and +who mock him when he fails. Do they not help to shape for him the dagger of +self-destruction? What ingredients of poison do they not mix with the fatal +drink which deprives him of breath? With what threads do they strengthen +the rope with which he hangs himself! Where should the most blame rest, +where does it most rest in the eyes of God--with society which drives him +forth a depraved and friendless creature? or with himself no longer +accountable for his acts? O the agony of feeling that on the whole face of +the earth there is not a face that will look upon you in kindness, nor a +heart that will throb with compassion at sight of your misery! I know what +this agony is, for in my darkest hours I have looked for pity and strained +my ears to catch the tones of a kindly voice in vain. But let me hasten to +say, lest I be misunderstood, that since I commenced to lecture, I have had +the support and active help of thousands of the very best men and women in +the land. I doubt that there was ever a man in calamity trying to escape +from terrors worse than those of death who had more aid than has been +extended to me. Could prayers and tears lift one out of misfortune and +wretchedness I would long ago have stood above all the tribulations of my +life. I desire to have every man and woman that has bestowed kindness on +me, if only a word or look, know that I remember such kindness, and that I +long to prove that it was not thrown away. Every day there rises before me +numberless faces I have met from time to time, each beautiful with the +love, sympathy, and pity which elevates the human into the divine. There +are others, I regret to say, that pass before me with dark looks and +scowls. I know them well, for they have sought to discourage and drag me +down. Their tongues have been quick to condemn and free to vilify me. I +seek no revenge on them. I forgive as wholly and freely as I hope to be +forgiven. May God soften their tiger hearts and melt their hyena souls. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the +ditch--Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A +long night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The +inevitable--Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred +miles from home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a +school--The lobbies of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open +school--A failure--Return home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two +months of uninterrupted drinking--Coatless, hatless, and bootless--The +"Blue Goose"--The tremens--Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the +damned--Walking on crutches--Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn +my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold bath--The consequence--Teaching +school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of Daniel Baker and his wife--A +paying practice at law. + + +I was at all times unhappy, and hence I was always restless and +discontented. I was continually striving for something that would at least +give me contentment, but before I could establish myself in any thing the +ever-recurring spell would seize me, and whatever confidence I had +succeeded in gaining was swept away. I wrote in sand, and the incoming tide +with a single dash annihilated the characters. During one of my uneasy +wanderings I went to Hartford City, Indiana. Hartford "City," like all +other cities In the land, has a full supply of saloons. With a view of +advertising myself I had my friends announce on the second day after my +arrival that I would deliver a political speech. This speech was listened +to by an immense crowd, and heartily praised by the party whose principles +I advocated. I was puffed up with the enthusiasm of the people, and +repaired with some of the local leaders to a saloon to take a drink in +honor of the occasion. The drink taken by me as usual wrought havoc. I +wanted more, as I always do when I take one drink, and I got more. I got +more than enough, too, as I always do. On the way home with a gentleman +whom I knew, I fell into a ditch, but was extricated with difficulty, and +finally carried to the house of a friend. My clothes were wet and covered +with mud. After sleeping awhile I got up and stole from the house very much +as a thief would have sneaked away. I was fairly started on another spree, +and for three weeks I drank heavily and constantly. Sometime during the +third week of my debauch I received a telegram stating that my brother was +dead. The suddenness and terrible nature of the news caused me to become +sober at once. It was just at twilight when I received the telegram, and +there was no train until nine o'clock the next morning. That night seemed +like an age to me. I never closed my eyes in sleep, but lay in my bed weak +and terror-stricken, waiting for the morning. It came at last, for the +longest night will end in day. I got on the train and sat down by a window. +I was so weak and nervous that I could not hold a cup in my hand. But I +wanted no more liquor. The terrible news of the previous day had frightened +away all desire for drink. I had not ridden far when I was seized with +palpitation of the heart. The sudden cessation from all stimulants had left +my system in a condition to resist nothing, and when my heart lost its +regular action, the chances were that I could not survive. All day I drew +my breath with painful difficulty, and thought that each respiration would +be the last. I raised the car window and put out my head so that the +rushing air would strike my face, and this revived me. When I got home my +brother was buried. I had left him a few days before in good health and +proud in his strength. I returned to find him hidden forever from my sight +by the remorseless grave. What I felt and suffered no one knew, nor can +ever know. Every night for weeks I could see my brother in life, but the +cold reality of death came back to me with the light of day. I was stunned +and almost crazed by the blow, and yet there were not wanting persons who, +incapable of a deep pang of sorrow, said that I did not care. Could they +have been made to suffer for one night the agony which I endured for weeks +they would learn to feel for the miseries of others, and at the same time +have a knowledge of what sufferings the human heart is capable. + +My next move was to Bluffton, Wells county, Indiana, where I arranged to go +into the practice of the law. But here at Bluffton, as elsewhere, were the +devil's recruiting offices--the saloons--and the first night after I +reached the town I got drunk. I remained in Bluffton until I got over the +debauch, which embraced a siege of the delirium tremens more horrible than +that already described. When I came to myself, I determined that I would go +home. I was without money; I had no friends in Bluffton, and but few +clothes to my back, and it was over one hundred miles to my father's, but I +started on foot and walked the whole way. I stayed quietly at home a few +days, and then went to Howard and Clinton counties on business, which was +to make some collections on notes for other parties. While in Clinton +county I engaged to teach a district school, and in order to begin at the +time specified by the trustees, I returned home to get ready. I started to +return to Clinton county on Friday, so as to be there to open school on the +following Monday. I got off the train at Indianapolis, and went into one of +the numerous lobbies of hell near the depot. It was a week from that +evening before I was sober enough to realize where I was, who I was, where +I had come from, and whither I had started. I could hardly believe it +possible that I had fallen again, but there was no doubt of the fact. I had +been arrested and had pawned my trunk to get money to pay my fine. To this +day I don't know why I was arrested, but for being drunk, I suppose. I fled +from the city, and walked thirty miles into the country, where I borrowed +enough money of a friend to redeem my trunk. I then started for my school. +Notwithstanding I was one week behind, the trustees were still expecting +me, and on Monday morning, one week later than the time appointed at first, +I opened school. But I was so worn out and confused in my faculties that at +noon I was forced to dismiss the school. I hurried from the house to a +small village in the neighborhood and there I got more liquor. The next +morning I left for home. Such a condition of affairs was lamentable and +damnable, but I was powerless to make it better. I have often wondered what +the people of that neighborhood thought when they found that I had taken a +cargo of whisky and disappeared as mysteriously as I came. If the young +idea shot forth at all during that season among the children of that +district it was directed by other hands than mine. I never sent in a bill +for the sixty-two and a half cents due me for that half day's work. If the +good people of Clinton will consent to call the matter even, I will here +and now relinquish every possible claim, right, or title to the aforesaid +amount. They have probably long since forgotten the school which was not +taught, and the pedagogue who did not teach. I arrived at home in course of +time, and remained there a few days. + +It was not long until my restless disposition drove me forth in search of +some new adventure, and now comes the brief and imperfect recital of the +most terrible experiences of my life. On the first of July I began to +drink, and it was not until the first of September that I quit. During this +time I went to Cincinnati twice, once to Kentucky, and twice to Lafayette. +I traveled nearly all the time, and much of the time I was in an +unconscious state. I started from home with two suits of clothes which I +pawned for whisky after my money was all gone. I arrived at Knightstown one +day without coat, vest or hat. I was also barefooted. A friend supplied me +with these necessary articles, and as soon as I put them on I went to a +saloon kept by Peter Stoff, and there I staid four days without venturing +out on the street. As soon as I was able, I took up my journey homeward. +When I got to Raleigh I was so completely worn out that I dropped down in a +shoe shop and saloon, both of which were in the same compartment of a +building. That night I took the tremens. The next day my father came after +me in a spring wagon, and hauled me home. For the most part, during the two +months of which I speak, I had slept out doors, without even a dog for +company, and I contracted slight cold and fever, which terminated in an +attack of inflammatory rheumatism in my left knee. The rheumatism came on +in an instant, and without any previous warning. The first intimation I had +of it was a keen pain, such as I imagine would follow a knife if thrust +through the centre of the knee. When the doctor reached the house my knee +had swollen enormously. I was burning up with a violent fever, and was wild +with delirium. He at once blistered a hole in each side of my knee, and +applied sedatives. My suffering was literally that of the damned. I lay +upon my back for days and nights on a small lounge, without sleeping a +wink, so great was my suffering. For forty-eight hours my eyes were rolled +upward and backward in my head in a set and terrible rigidity. In my +delirium, I thought my room was overran by rats. I tried to fight them off +as they came toward me, but when I thought they were gone I could detect +them stealing under my lounge, and presently they would be gnawing at my +knee, and every time one of them touched me, a thrill of unearthly horror +shot through me. They tore off pieces of my flesh, and I could see these +pieces fall from their bloody jaws. No pen could describe my sickening and +revolting sensations of horror and agony. For sixty days did I lie upon my +back on that couch, unable to turn on either side, or move in any way, +without suffering a thousand deaths. I experienced as much pain as ever was +felt by any mortal being, and it is still a wonder to me how I survived. I +was, on more than one occasion, believed to be dead by my friends, and they +wrapped me in the winding sheet. Even then I was conscious of what they +were doing, and yet I was unable to move a muscle, or speak, or groan. A +horrible fear came over me that they would bury me alive. I seemed to die +at the thought, but, had mountains been heaped upon me, it would have been +as easy for me to show that I was not dead. But I would gradually regain +the power of articulation, and then again would hope rise in the hearts of +those who were watching. At last, but slowly, I recovered sufficiently to +be able to leave my room. I procured a pair of crutches, and by their aid I +could go about the house. Next I went out riding in a buggy, and after a +time got so that I could walk without difficulty, though not without my +crutches, for I did not yet dare to bear weight on my afflicted knee. + +One day I went to Rushville, and--O, curse of curses!--gave way to my +appetite. The moment the whisky began to affect me, I forgot that I had +crutches, and set my lame leg down with my whole weight upon it. The sudden +and agonizing pain caused me to give a scream, and yet I repeated the step +a number of times. But the insufferable pain caused me to return home. + +It was now winter. The Legislature was in session at Indianapolis, and I +was promised a position, and, with this end in view, packed my trunk and +bid good-by to the folks at home. At Shelbyville, at which place I had a +little business to attend to, I took a drink. Just how and why I took it +has been already told, for the same cause always influenced me. The same +result followed, and at Indianapolis I kept up the debauch until I had +traded a suit of clothes worth sixty dollars for one worth, at a liberal +estimate, about sixty-five cents. I even pawned my crutches, which I still +used and still needed. One day I went to a bath-room, and after remaining +in the bath for half an hour, with the water just as warm as I could bear +it, I resolved to change the programme, and, without further reflection, I +turned off the warm and turned on water as cold as ice could make it. It +almost caused my death. In an instant every pore of my body was closed, and +I was as numb as one would be if frozen. Even my sight was destroyed for a +few minutes, but I contrived to get out of the bath and put on my rags. I +found my way, with some difficulty, to the Union Depot, and boarded a +train, but I did not notice that it was not the train I wanted to travel on +until it was too late for me to correct the mistake. I went to Zionsville, +and lay there three days under the charge of two physicians. I then started +again to go home, expecting to die at any moment. At last I reached +Falmouth, and was carried to my father's, where I passed two weeks in +suffering only equaled by that which I had already borne. + +On again recovering my health, I began to look about for something to do, +and hearing of a vacant school east of Falmouth, and about four miles from +my father's, I made application and was employed to teach it. It is with +pride (which, after the record of so many failures, I trust will readily be +pardoned) that I chronicle the fact that from the beginning to the end of +the term I never tasted liquor. I look back to those months as the happiest +of my life. I did what is seldom done, for in addition to keeping sober +(which I believe most teachers do without an effort), I gave complete +satisfaction to every parent, and pleased and made friends with every +scholar (a thing, I believe, that most teachers do not do). Very bright and +vivid in memory are those days, made more radiant by contrast with the +darkness and degradation which lie before and after them. As I dwell upon +them a ray of their calm light steals into my soul, and the faces of my +loved scholars come out of the intervening darkness and smile upon me, +until, for a brief moment, I forget my barred window, the mad-house, and my +desolation, and fancy that I am again with them. I boarded with Daniel +Baker, and can never forget his own and his good wife's kindness. + +At the close of my school I was in better health and spirits than I had +ever before been. I began to feel that there was still a chance for me to +redeem the losses of the past, and I can not describe how happy the thought +made me. I again began the practice of law, and for six months I devoted +myself to my duties. I had a large and paying practice, and not once but +often was I engaged in cases where my fees amounted to from fifty to one +hundred dollars, and once I received two hundred and fifty dollars. I will +further say that my clients felt that they were paying me little enough in +each case, considering the service I rendered them. But during the latter +part of the time I suffered much from low spirits and nervousness, and my +desire for whisky almost drove me wild at times. I fought this appetite +again and again with desperate determination, and how the contest would +have finally ended I can not say had I not been taken down sick. The +physician who was sent for prescribed some brandy, and on his second visit +he brought half of a pint of it, to be taken with other medicine in doses +of one tablespoonful at intervals of two hours. I followed his directions +with care, so far as the first dose was concerned, but if the reader +supposes that I waited two hours for another tablespoonful of that brandy +he does my appetite gross injustice. Neither would I have him suppose that +I confined the second dose to a tablespoon. I waited until my friends +withdrew, making some excuse about wanting to be alone in order to get them +to go out at once, and then I got out of bed and swallowed the remainder of +that brandy at a gulp. A desperate and uncontrollable desire for the poison +had possession of me, and beneath it my resolutions were crushed and my +will helplessly manacled. I slipped out of the room at the first +opportunity, and managed to get a buggy in which I drove off to Falmouth +where I immediately bought a quart of whisky. This I drank in an incredibly +short space of time, and after that--after that--well, you can imagine what +took place after that. Would to God that I could erase the recollection of +it from my mind! Days and weeks of drunkenness; days and weeks of +degradation; money spent; clothes pawned and lost; business neglected; +friends alienated; and peace and happiness annihilated by the fell, +merciless, hell-born fiend--Alcohol! So much for a half pint of brandy +prescribed by an able physician. The vilest and most deadly poison could +scarcely have been worse. Perhaps I was to blame--at least I have blamed +myself--for not imploring the doctor in the name of everything holy not to +prescribe any medicine containing a drop of intoxicating liquor. But I was +sick and weak, and my appetite rose in its strength at mention of the word +brandy, and when I would have spoken it palsied my tongue. I could not +resist. The inevitable was upon me. + +Down, down, down I went, lower and ever lower. Down, into the darkness of +desperation!--down, into the gulf of ruin!--down, where Shame, and Sin, and +Misery cry to fallen souls--"Stay! abide with us!" I felt now that all I +had gained was lost, and that there was nothing more for me to hope for. +The destroying devil had swept away everything. I was no longer a man. +Behold me cowering before my race and begging the pitiful sum of ten cents +with which to buy one more drink--begging for it, moreover, as something +far more precious than life. I resorted then, as many times since, to every +means in order to get that which would, and yet would not, satisfy my +insatiate thirst. No one is likely to contradict me when I say that I know +of more ways to get whisky, when out of money and friends, (although no +true friend would ever give me whisky, especially to start on) than any +other living man, and I sincerely doubt if there is one among the dead who +could give me any information on the subject. Had I as persistently applied +myself to my profession, and resorted to half as many tricks and ways to +gain my clients' cases, it would have been out of the range of probability +for my opponents to ever defeat me. I might have had a practice which would +have required the aid of a score or more partners. I understand very well +that such statements as this are not likely to exalt me in the reader's +estimation, but I started out to tell the truth, and I shall not shrink +from the recital of anything that will prejudice my readers against the +enemy that I hate. I could sacrifice my life itself, if thereby I might +slay the monster. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by +legislation--Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The +Indianapolis police--The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The +coming head-light--A desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the +time"--A struggle in which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in +dew--Hiding from the officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable +sufferings--Advised to lecture--The time I began to lecture. + + +It has been but a few years since the Legislature of Indiana passed what is +known as the "Baxter Liquor Law." Among the provisions of that law was one +which declared that "any person found drunk in a public place should be +fined five dollars for every such offense, and be compelled to tell where +he got his liquor." It was further declared that if the drunkard failed to +pay his fine, etc., he should be imprisoned for a certain number of days or +weeks. This had no effect on the drunkard, unless it was to make his +condition worse. Appetite is a thing which can not be controlled by a law. +It may be restrained through fear, so long as it is not stronger than a +man's will, but where it controls and subordinates every other faculty it +would be useless to try to eradicate or restrain it by legislation. When a +man's appetite is stronger than he is, it will lead him, and if it demands +liquor it will get it, no matter if five hundred Baxter laws threatened the +drunkard. Man, powerless to resist, gives way to appetite; he gets drunk; +he is poor and has no money to pay his fine; the court tells him to go to +jail until an outraged law is vindicated. In the meantime the man has a +wife and (it may be) children; they suffer for bread. The poor wife still +clings to her husband and works like a slave to get money to pay his fine. +She starves herself and children in order to buy his freedom. You will say: +"The man had no business to get drunk." But that is not the point. He needs +something very different from a Baxter law to save him from the power of +his appetite. Besides, the law is unjust. The rich man may get just as +drunk as the poor man, and may be fined the same, but what of that? Five +dollars is a trifle to him, so he pays it and goes on his way, while his +less fortunate brother is kicked into a loathsome cell. There never has +been, never can, and never will be a law enacted that prevent men from +drinking liquor, especially those in whom there is a dominant appetite for +it. The idea of licensing men to sell liquor and punishing men for drinking +it is monstrous. To be sure, they are not punished for drinking it in +moderation, but no man can be moderate who has such an appetite as I have. +Why license men to sell liquor, and then punish others for drinking it? +What sort of sense or justice is there in it, anyhow? There is a double +punishment for the drunkard, and none for the liquor-seller. The sufferings +consequent on drinking are extreme, and no punishment that the law can +inflict will prevent the drunkard from indulging in strong drink if his own +far greater and self-inflicted punishment is of no avail. + +When a man has become a drunkard his punishment is complete. Think of law +makers enacting and making it lawful, in consideration of a certain amount +of money paid to the State, for dealers in liquors to sell that which +carries darkness, crime, and desolation with it wherever it goes! The +silver pieces received by Judas for betraying his master were honestly +gotten gain compared with the blood money which the license law drops +into the State's treasury--license money. What money can weigh in the +balance and not be found wanting where starved and innocent children, +broken-hearted mothers and sisters, and deserted, weeping wives are in the +scale against it? Mothers, look on this law licensing this traffic, and +then if you do not like it cease to bring forth children with human +passions and appetites, and let only angels be born. + +After the passage of this law making drunkenness an offense to be fined, I +had all the law practice I could attend to in keeping myself out of its +meshes and penalties. It kept me busy to avoid imprisonment--for I was +drunk nearly all the time. I was indicted twenty-two times. But it is fair +to say that in a majority of cases these indictments were found by men in +sympathy with me, and whose chief object in having me arrested was to +punish the men who sold me liquor. Another mistake! It is next to +impossible to get a drunkard to tell where he got his liquor. Half the time +he himself does not know where he got it. I never indicted a saloon keeper +in my life. The sale of liquor has been legalized, and so long as that is +the case I would blame no man for refusing to tell where he got his liquor. +A law that permits an appetite for whisky to be formed, and then punishes +its victim after money, health, and reputation are all gone, is a barbarous +injustice. Instead of making a law that liquor shall not be sold to +drunkards, better enact a law that it shall be sold only to drunkards. Then +when the present generation of drunkards has passed away, there will be no +more. I succeeded in escaping from the penalty of the indictments found +against me. I plead, in most instances, my own case, and once or twice, +when so drunk that I could not stand up without a chair to support me, I +succeeded by resorting to some of the many tricks known to the legal +fraternity, in wringing from the jury a verdict of "not guilty." + +But all this was anything but amusing. I have never made my sides sore +laughing about it. The memory of it does not wreath my face in smiles. It +is madness to think of it. I lived in a state of perpetual dread. When in +Indianapolis the sight of the police filled me with fear. And here a word +concerning the Indianapolis police. There are, doubtless, in the force some +strictly honorable, true, and kind-hearted men--and these deserve all +praise. But, if accounts speak true, there are others who are more +deserving the lash of correction than many whom they so brutally arrest. +Need they be told that they have no right to kick, or jerk, or otherwise +abuse an unresisting victim? Are they aware of the fact that the fallen are +still human, and that, as guardians of the peace, they are bound to yet be +merciful while discharging their duties? I have heard of more than one +instance where men, and even women, were treated on and before arriving at +the station house as no decent man would treat a dog. Such policemen are +decidedly more interested in the extra pay they get on each arrest than in +serving the best interests of the community. Many a poor man has been +arrested when slightly intoxicated, and driven to desperation by the +brutality of the police, that, under charitable and kind treatment, would +have been saved. And I wish to ask a civilized and Christian people, if it +is just the thing to take a man afflicted with the terrible disease of +drunkenness, and thrust him into a loathsome, dirty cell? Would it not be +not only more human, but also more in accord with the spirit of our +intelligent and liberal age, to convey him to a hospital? I leave the +discussion of this subject to other and abler hands. + +At one time the grand jury at Rushville met and found a number of +indictments against me. I was drunk at the time, but by some means learned +that an officer had a writ to arrest me. I started at once to go to my +father's. I was without means to get a conveyance, and so I started afoot +out the Jeffersonville railroad. I had then been drunk about one month, and +was bordering on delirium tremens. After walking a mile or more, my boot +rubbed my foot so that I drew it off and walked on barefooted. My feelings +can not be imagined. Fear and terror froze my blood. The night came on dark +and dismal, and a flood of bitter, wretched thoughts swept over me, +crushing me to the earth. Before me in the distance appeared the head-light +of an engine. It seemed to look at me like a demon's eye, and beckon me on +to destruction. I heard voices which whispered in my ears--"now is the +time." A shudder crept over me. Should I end my miserable existence? I knew +that a train of cars was coming. I could lie down on the track, and no one +would ever know but I had been accidentally killed. Then I thought of my +father, and brothers, and sisters, and as a glimpse of their suffering +entered my mind, I felt myself held back. A great struggle went on between +life and death. It ended in favor of life, and I fled from the railroad. I +soon lost my way and wandered blindly over the fields and through the woods +all that night. I was perishing for liquor when daylight came. In order to +assuage my burning appetite I climbed over a fence, and, picking up a +dirty, rusty wash-pan which had been thrown away, I drank a quart of water +which I dipped from a horse-trough. My skin was dry and parched, and my +blood was in a blaze. When I came to grassy plots I lay down and bathed my +face in the cold dew, and also bared my arms and moistened them in the +cool, damp grass. + +When the sun came up over the eastern tree-tops I found that I was about +ten miles from Rushville. After stumbling on for some time longer I found +my way to Henry Lord's, a farmer with whom I was acquainted. He gave me a +room in which I lay hidden from the officers for two days and nights. From +this place I went to my father's, and although the officers came there two +or three times, I escaped arrest. It is impossible to give the reader the +faintest idea of my condition. Without money, clothes, or friends, an +outcast, hunted like a wild beast, I had only one thing left--my horrible +appetite, at all times fierce and now maddening in the extreme. My hands +trembled, my face was bloated, and my eyes were bloodshot. I had almost +ceased to look like a human. Hope had flown from me, and I was in complete +despair. I moved about over my father's farm like one walking in sleep, the +veriest wretch on the face of the earth. My real condition not unfrequently +pressed upon me until, in an agony of desperation, I would put my swollen +hands over my worse than bloated face and groan aloud, while tears scalding +hot streamed down over my fingers and arms. I staid at home a number of +days. At first I had no thought of quitting drink. I was too crazed in mind +to think clearly on any subject. After two or three days, I became very +nervous for lack of my accustomed stimulants; then I got so restless that I +could not sleep, and for nights together I scarcely closed my aching eyes. +Long as the days seemed, the nights were longer still. At the end of two +weeks I began to have a more clear or less muddied conception of my +condition, and a faint hope came to me that I might yet conquer the +appetite which was taking me through utter ruin of body, to the eternal +death of body and soul. The reader must not think that I thought I could by +my own strength save myself. I prayed often and fervently. However strange +it may sound it is nevertheless true, that, notwithstanding the degraded +life I have lived, I have covered it with prayer as with a garment, and +with as sincere prayer, too, as ever rose from the lips of pain and sin. My +unimaginable sufferings have impelled me to seek earnestly for an escape +from the torments which go out beyond the grave. None can ever be made to +realize how much pain and agony I experienced during these first weeks I +spent at home and abstained from liquor, nor can any know how much I +resisted. At that time I had not the least thought of lecturing. Many +times, when getting over a spree, I had, in the presence of people, given +expression to the agonies that were consuming me, and at such times I did +not fail to pay my respects to alcohol in a way (the only way) it deserves. +My friends advised me to lecture on temperance, and I now began to think of +their words. Was it my duty to go forth and tell the world of the horrors +of intemperance, and warn all people to rise against this great enemy? If +so, I would gladly do it. I began to prepare a lecture. It would help me to +pass away the time, if nothing more came of it. It has been nearly four +years since I delivered that lecture. I will give a history of my first +effort and succeeding ones, with what was said about me, in the next +chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At +Rushville--Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the +stage and am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old +coat and stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make +a lecture tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude +of the press--The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind +criticism--Tattle mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to +commit suicide--Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask +the sheriff to lock me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of +'74--"Local option." + + +I delivered my first lecture at Raleigh, the scene of many of my most +disgraceful debauches and most lamentable misfortunes. The evening +announced for my lecture was unpropitious. Late in the afternoon a cold, +disagreeable rain set in, and lasted until after dark. The roads were +muddy, and in places nearly impassable. I did not expect on reaching the +hall, or school house, or church in which I was to speak, to find much of +an audience, but I was agreeably disappointed; for while the house was by +no means "packed," there was still a fair audience. Raleigh had turned out +en masse, men, women and children. I suppose they were curious to hear what +I had to say, and they heard it if I am not much in error. I was much +embarrassed when I first began to speak--more so than I have ever been +since, even when in the presence of thousands. I did the best I could, and +the audience expressed very general satisfaction. I think some of my +statements astounded them a trifle, but they soon recovered and listened +with profound and respectful attention. My next appointment was at +Fairview. Here, as at Raleigh, I had often been seen during some of my wild +sprees, and here, as at Raleigh, the people came out in force to hear me. I +improved on my first lecture, I think, and felt emboldened to make a more +ambitious effort. I settled on Rushville as the next most desirable place +to afflict, and made arrangements to deliver my lecture there. A number of +the best young men in the town of the class that never used liquor, but who +had always sympathized with me, went without my consent or knowledge to the +ministers of the different churches, and had them announce that on the next +Monday evening Luther Benson, "the reformed drunkard," would lecture in the +Court House. I was nervous from the want of my accustomed stimulants, and +the added dread of appearing before an audience before whose members I had +so many times covered myself with shame, and in whose Court House--the very +place in which I was to speak--I had been several times indicted for +violations of the law, almost caused me to break my engagement. While still +hesitating on what course to take, whether to go before the audience or go +home and hang myself, the dreaded Monday evening came, and with it came my +friends to escort me to the stage, which had been extemporized for me. I +waited until the last moment before entering the room. + +On making my appearance I was greeted with applause, but instead of +reassuring me, it frightened me almost out of my wits. However, it was too +late to retreat, and so making up my mind to die, if necessary, on the +spot, or succeed, I hastily threw off my father's old and threadbare +overcoat (I had none of my own) and stood forth in a full dress coat, which +showed much ill treatment, and immediately began my lecture. As I warmed to +my work, and got interested, I forgot my embarrassment and talked with ease +and volubility. I did not fail, in proof of which I have only to add that +on the following day I met Ben. L. Smith on the street, and on the strength +of my lecture, he went my security for a respectable coat and pair of +boots. + +From Rushville I started on a lecture tour, taking in Dublin, Connersville, +Cambridge City, Shelbyville, Knightstown, Newcastle, and other places. By +degrees I widened the field of my lectures until it embraced the whole of +Indiana and parts of many other States. In a little more than three years I +have spoken publicly four hundred and seventy times in Indiana alone. From +the very first I have been warmly and generously supported by the press. +There have been exceptions in the case of a few papers, but they were only +the exceptions. Since my first effort to reform, all good people have aided +me. But from the very first I have had to fight opposition and falsehood. I +have been accused of being drunk when I was sober, and outrageous +falsehoods have been told about me when the truth would have been bad +enough. After I had got fairly started to lecture I had always one object +paramount, and that was to save myself from the drunkard's terrible fate +and doom. After a short time men who drank would come to me and +congratulate me, saying that I had opened their eyes, and that from that +day forward they would drink no more liquor. Mothers, wives, and sisters, +who had sons, husbands, and brothers that indulged in the fatal habit, came +to me and encouraged me by telling me how much good I had done them. I +began to feel a strong additional motive to lecture and save others. And +here I wish to say that my efforts to save all men whom I met that were in +danger (and all are in danger who touch liquor in any form) of the curse, +have been the cause of much unkind criticism. People have said: "O, well, +we don't believe Benson is in earnest. He don't seem to try very hard to +quit drinking himself. He doesn't keep the right sort of company," and so +on. This was the language of men who never drank. I have had drinking men +by the score come to me with tears in their eyes, and beg to know if there +was any escape from the curse. Since taking the lecture field I have paid +out in actual money over a thousand dollars to aid men and families in +trouble caused by the use of liquor. I have the first one yet to turn away +when I had anything to give. I have more than once robbed myself to aid +others. Oftentimes my labor and money have been thrown away, but I have the +satisfaction of knowing that I did my duty. In some cases, thank heaven! I +have cause to know that my efforts were not in rain. + +For ten months from the time I quit drinking and began to lecture, I +averaged one lecture a day. I lived on the work and its excitement, making +it take, as far as possible, the place of alcohol. I learned too late that +this was the very worst thing I could have done. I was all the time +expending the very strength I so much needed for the restoration of my +shattered system. For ten months, lacking two days, I fought my appetite +for whisky day and night. I waged a continued, never-ceasing, never-ending +battle, with what earnestness and desire to conquer the God to whom I so +fervently prayed all that time alone knows, and he alone knows the agony of +my conflicts. I dreamed that I was wildly drunk night after night, and I +would rise from my bed in the morning more weary than when, tired and worn +out from overwork, I sought rest. The horror of such dreams can be known +only to those who have experienced them. The shock to my nervous system +from a sudden and complete cessation of the use of all stimulating drinks +was of itself a fearful thing to encounter. I was often so nervous that, +for nights at a time, I got little or no sleep. The least noise would cause +me to tremble with fear. I suffered all the while more than any can ever +know, save those who have gone through the same hell. The manners and +actions often induced by my sufferings and an abiding sense of my +afflictions not infrequently militated against me. It has often been said: +"He acts very strangely--must have been drinking." Again: "I believe he +uses opium." These assertions may have been honestly made, but they were +none the less utterly false. If people could only know just how much the +drunkard suffers; how sad, lonesome, gloomy and wretched he feels while +trying to resist the accursed appetite which is destroying him, they would +never taunt him with doubts, nor go to him, as I have had men, and even +women, come to me (I say "men and women," but they were neither men nor +women, but libels on men and women), and say that this or that person had +said that that or this person had heard some other person tell another +person that he, she, or it believed that I, Luther Benson, had been +drinking on such and such an occasion; or that some one told Mr. B., who +told Miss X.T. that J.B. had said to Madam Z. that such and such a one had +actually told T.Y. that O.M.U. had seen three men who had heard of four +other men who said they could find two women who had overheard a man say +that he had seen a man who had seen me with two men that had a bottle of +something which he felt pretty sure was Robinson county whisky. Therefore +B. was drunk! + +These things had the effect on me that this account will probably have on +the reader--they annoyed me exceedingly at times. At times the falsehoods +were more malicious still, causing me many sleepless hours. At the end +of ten months of complete sobriety, during which I never tasted any +stimulant--ten months of constant struggle and determined effort--I fell. +Alas, that I am compelled to write the sad words! I had broken down my +strength; my mental and physical energies gave way, and my appetite had +wrapped itself as a flaming fire about me, consuming me in its heat. I +commenced drinking at Charlottsville, Henry county, and went from there to +Knightstown on a Saturday evening. On the following Monday I went to +Indianapolis drunk, and there got "dead drunk." My friends in Rushville, +hearing of my misfortune, came after me and took me with them to that +place, where I remained utterly oblivious until the next Sunday, when, by +some means--I have no knowledge how--I got on an early train that was +passing through Rushville, and went as far as Columbus, where I got off, +and soon succeeded in getting a quart of liquor. Between the hour of my +arrival at Columbus and night I drank three bottles of whisky. + +That night I returned to Rushville, and while mad with liquor, made an +attempt on my life by cutting my throat. Well for me that my knife was dull +and did not penetrate to the jugular artery. The wound self-inflicted was +an ugly but not dangerous one. I kept on drinking for a week or more, until +I found that it was utterly out of my power to resist drinking so long as I +remained in a place where I could see, or buy, or beg whisky. I finally +went to the sheriff and asked him to lock me up in jail, which I finally +persuaded him to do. Once in jail I tried in vain to get more liquor. I +remained there until the fierce fires of my appetite smouldered once more, +and then I was released. I lay in bed sick several days at this time, sick +in mind, soul, and body. I felt that for me there was nothing left. I had +descended to the lowest depths. I was forever ruined and undone. Many who +had said that I would not or could not stop drinking seemed to be delighted +over my terrible misfortune. The smile with which they would say, "I told +you so!" was devilish and fiendish. But many friends gathered about me and +cheered me with hope that by renewed effort I might rise again. Well and +truly did a great English poet, Campbell, I believe, say:-- + + "Hope springs eternal in the human heart." + +I determined once more that I would not give up, I would fight my tireless +enemy while a breath of life or an atom of reason remained in my being. + +It was now July, 1874. An exciting political campaign was coming off, the +main issue was "local option." I took the side and became an advocate of +local option, and until the election in October, averaged one speech per +day, frequently traveling all night in order to meet my engagements. That +campaign broke me down completely, and on the first of November I again +yielded, after a prolonged and desperate struggle, to the powers of my +sleepless and tireless adversary. So terrible were the consequences of this +fall that in the hope of preventing others from ever indulging in the +ruinous habit which led to it, I wrote out and published a full account of +it under the title of "Luther Benson's Struggle for Life." Inasmuch as this +book will be incomplete without it, I will embody that brochure in the next +chapter, so that those who have never read it may now do so, if they +desire. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no +man should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the Galt +House--The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in +Cincinnati--The delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick that +turned to a serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to +Connersville, Indiana--My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and +torments--The horrid sights of a drunkard's madness. + + +Depraved and wretched is he who has practiced vice so long that he curses +it while he yet clings to it; who pursues it because he feels a terrible +power driving him on toward it, but, reaching it, knows that it will gnaw +his heart, and make him roll himself in the dust. Thus it has been, and +thus it is, with me. The deep, surging waters have gone over me. But out of +their awful, black depths, could I be heard, I would cry out to all who +have just set a foot in the perilous flood. For I am not one of those who, +if they themselves must die the death most terrible and appalling of all +others, would drag or even persuade one other soul to accompany them. But +as the oblivious waves are surging about me, and as I try to brave and +buffet them, I would cry to others not to come to me. When but just gasping +and throwing up my hand for the last time, it would not be to clutch, but, +if possible, to push back to safety. Could the youth who has just begun to +taste wine, and the young man his first drink--to whom it is as delicious +as the opening scenes of a visionary life, or the entering into some +newly-discovered paradise where scenes of undimmed glory burst upon his +vision--but see the end of all that, and what comes after, by looking into +my desolation, and be made to understand what a dark and dreary thing it is +for a man to be made to feel that he is going over a precipice with his +eyes wide open, with a will that has lost power to prevent it; could he see +my hot, fevered cheeks, bloodshot eyes, bloated face, swollen fingers, +bruised and wounded body; could he feel the body of the death out of which +I cry hourly, with feebler and feebler outcry, to be delivered; could he +know how a constant wail comes up and out from my bleeding heart, and begs +and pleads with a great agony to be delivered from this awful demon, drink; +could these truths but go home to the hearts and minds of the young men of +the land; could they feel for but one single moment what I am compelled to +live, and battle, and endure day in, and day out, until the days drag +themselves into weeks that seem like months, and months that seem like +years, striving all the time, a living, walking, talking death, and cares, +pleasures, and joys, all gone, yet compelled to endure and live, or rather +die, on; could every young man feel these things as I am compelled to feel +and bear them, it seems to me that it would be enough to make them, while +they yet have the power to do it, dash the sparkling damnation to the earth +in all the pride of its mantling temptation. + +At the very threshold of blooming manhood I found myself subject to all the +disadvantages which mankind, if they reflected upon them, would hesitate to +impose upon acknowledged guilt. In every human countenance I feared to find +an enemy. I shrank from the vigilance of human eyes. I dared not open my +heart to the best affections of our nature, for a drunkard is supposed to +have no love. I was shut up within my own desolation--a deserted, solitary +wretch in the midst of my species. I dared not look for the consolation of +friendship, for a drunkard is always the subject of suspicion and distrust, +and is not supposed to be possessed of those finer feelings that find men +as friends. Thus, instead of identifying myself with the joys and sorrows +of others, and exchanging the delicious gifts of confidential sympathy, I +was compelled to shrink back and listen to the horrid words, You are a +drunkard--words the very mention or thought of which has ten thousand times +carried despair to my heart, and made me gasp and pant for breath. Thus it +was at the very opening of life, and thus it ever has been, and thus it is +to-day. I have struggled, and with streaming eyes tried to wrench the +chains from my bruised and torn body. My weary and long-continued struggles +led to no termination. Termination! No! The lapse of time, that cures all +other things, but makes my case more desperate. For there is no rest for +me. Whithersoever I remove myself, this detestable, hated, sleepless, +never-tiring enemy is in my rear. What a dark, mysterious, unfeeling, +unrelenting tyrant! Is it come to this? When Nero and Caligula swayed the +Roman scepter, it was a fearful thing to offend the bloody rulers. The +Empire had already spread itself from climate to climate, and from sea to +sea. If their unhappy victim fled to the rising of the sun, where the +luminary of day seems to us first to ascend from the waves of the ocean, +the power of the tyrant was still behind him; if he withdrew to the west, +to Hesperian darkness and the shores of barbarian Thule, still he was not +safe from his gore-drenched foe. Rum! Whisky! Alcohol! Fiend! Monster! +Devil! Art thou the offspring in whom the lineaments of these tyrants are +faithfully preserved? Was the world, with all its climates, made in vain +for thy helpless, unoffending victim? + +To me the sun brings no return of day. Day after day rolls on, and my state +is immutable. Existence is to me a scene of melancholy. Every moment is a +moment of anguish, with a trembling fear that the coming period will bring +a severer fate. We talk of the instruments of torture, but there is more +torture in the lingering existence of a man that is in the iron clutches of +a monster that has neither eyes, nor ears, nor bowels of compassion; a +venomous enemy that can never be turned into a friend; a silent, sleepless +foe, that shuts out from the light of day, and makes its victim the +associate of those whom society has marked for her abhorrence; a slave +loaded with fetters that no power can break; cut off from all that +existence has to bestow; from all the high hopes so often conceived; from +all the future excellence the soul so much desires to imagine. No language +can do justice to the indignant and soul-sickening loathing that these +ideas excite. A thousand times I have longed for death, and wished, with an +expressible ardor, for an end to what I suffered. A thousand times I have +meditated suicide, and ruminated in my soul upon the different means of +escaping from my load of existence. A thousand times in wretched bitterness +I have asked myself, What have I to do with life? I have seen and felt +enough to make me regard it with detestation. Why should I wait the +lingering process of an unfeeling tyrant that is slowly tearing me to +pieces, and not dare so much as die but when and how the marble-hearted +thing decrees? Still, some inexplicable suggestion withheld my hand, and +caused me to cling with desperate fondness to this shadow of existence, its +mysterious attractions, and its hopeless prospects--appetite, fiendish +thirst, a burning, ever-crying demand for a poison that is death, and for +which a man will give his body and soul as a sacrifice to whoever will +satisfy his imperious cravings. Let this appetite entwine itself about a +man, let it throw its iron arms about his bruised body, and he will curse +the day he was born. But some one says, Why don't you quit? Just don't +drink! In answer I would say, O God, give me poverty, shower upon me all +the hardships of life, turn me a prey to the wild beasts of the desert, so +I be never again the victim of rum. Suffer me to call life and the pursuit +of life my own, free from the appetite for alcohol, and I am willing to +hold them at the mercy of the elements, the hunger of beasts, or the +revenge of cold-blooded men. All of these, rather than the poison of the +accursed cup. + +Solitude! separation! banishment! These are words often in the mouths of +human beings; but few men except myself have been permitted to feel the +full latitude of their meaning. The pride of philosophy has taught us to +treat man as an individual. He is no such thing. He holds, necessarily, +indispensably, a relation to his species. He is like those twin births that +have two heads and four hands, but if you attempt to detach them from each +other, they are inevitably subjected to a miserable and lingering +destruction. If a man wants to conceive a lively idea of the regions of the +damned, just let him get himself in that condition that he is alone with an +enemy while he is surrounded by society and his friends--an enemy that is +like what has been described as the eye of Omniscience pursuing the guilty +sinner and darting a ray that awakens him to a new sensibility at the very +moment that otherwise exhausted nature would lull him into a temporary +oblivion of the reproaches of his conscience. No walls can hide me from the +discernment of my hated foe. Everywhere his industry in unwearied, to +create for me new distress. Never can I count upon an instant of security; +never can I wrap myself in the shroud of oblivion. The minutes in which I +do not actually perceive and feel my destroyer are contaminated and blasted +with the certain expectation of speedy interference. Thus it has been, and +thus it is to-day, and with every returning day. + +Tyrants have trembled, surrounded by whole armies of their janizaries. +Alcohol--venomous serpent! robber and reviler!--what should make thee +inaccessible to my fury? I will unfold a tale! I will show thee to +the world for what thou art, and all the men that read shall confess +my truth! Whisky--abhorrer of nature, the curse of the human species!--the +earth can only be freed from an insupportable burden by thy extermination! +Rum--poisoner! destroyer! that spits venom all around, and leaves the +ground infected with slime! Accursed poison-makers and poison-dispensers!-- +do you imagine that I am altogether passive; a mean worm, organized to feel +sensations of pain, but having no emotion of resentment? Did you imagine +that there was no danger in inflicting on me pains, however great; +miseries, however direful? Do you believe me impotent, imbecile, and +idiot-like, with no understanding to contrive my escape and thy ruin, and +no energy to perpetrate it? I will tell the end of thy infernal works. The +country, in justice, shall hear me. I would that I had the language of +fire, that my words might glow, and burn, and drop like molten lava, that I +might wipe you from the face of the earth, or persuade mankind to turn away +and starve you to death. Think you that I would regret the ruin that had +overwhelmed you? Too long I have been tender-hearted and forbearing. +Whisky, whisky sellers and whisky makers, traffickers and dealers in tears, +blood, sin, shame, and woe!--ten thousand times you have dipped your bloody +talons in my blood. There is no evil you have scrupled to accumulate upon +me! Neither will I be more scrupulous. You have shown me no mercy, and you +shall receive none. + +Let us look at the rumseller, that we may know what manner of man he is, +and then ask if he deserves the pity, sympathy, or respect of society, or +any part of it. Viewed considerately, in the light of their respective +motives, the drunkard is an innocent and honorable man in comparison with +the retailer of drinks. The one yields under the impulse--it may be the +torture--of appetite; the other is a cool, mercenary speculator, thriving +on the frailties and vices of others. He is a man selling for gain what he +knows to be worthless and pernicious; good for none, dangerous for all, and +deadly to many. He has looked in the face the sure consequences of his +course, and if he can but make gain of it, is prepared to corrupt the +souls, embitter the lives, and blast the prosperity of an indefinite number +of his fellow-creatures. By the selling of his poisons he sees that with +terrible certainty, along with the havoc of health, lives, homes, and souls +of men, he can succeed in setting afloat a certain vast amount of property, +and that as it is thrown to the winds, some small share of it will float +within his grasp. He knows that if men remain virtuous and thrifty, if +these homes around him continue peaceful and joyous, his craft can not +prosper. The injured old mothers, the wives, and the sisters are found +where rum is sold. Orphan children throng from hut and hovel, and lift +their childish hands in supplication, asking at the hands of the guilty +whisky sellers for those who rocked their cradles, and fed and loved them. +The murderer, now sober and crushed, lifts his manacled hands, red with +blood, and charges his ruin upon the men who crazed his brain with rum. The +felon comes from his prison tomb, the pauper from his dark retreat, where +the rumseller has driven him to seek an evening's rest and a pauper's +grave. From ten thousand graves the sheeted dead stalk forth, and with +eyeless sockets and bared teeth, grin most ghastly scorn at their +destroyers. The lost float up in shadowy forms, and wail in whispered +despair. Angels turn weeping away, and God, upon his throne, looks in +anger, and hurls a woe upon the hand which "putteth a bottle to his +neighbor's lips to make him drunken." To balance all this fearful array of +mischief and woe, flowing directly from his work, the dealer in ardent +spirits can bring nothing but the plea that appetite has been gratified. +There are profits, to be sure. Death finds it the most liberal purveyor for +his horrid banquet, and hell from beneath it is moved with delight at the +fast-coming profits of the trade; and the seller also gets gain. Death, +hell, and the rumseller--beyond this partnership none are profited. Go and +shake their bloody hands, you who will! The time will be when deep down in +hell these miserable, blood-stained wretches will pant for one drop of +water, and curse the day and hour that they ever sold one drop of liquor. + +The experience of ages proves that the use of intoxicating agents +invariably tends to engender a burning appetite for more; and he who +indulges in them shall do it at the peril of contracting a passionate and +rabid thirst for them, which shall ultimately overmaster the will of his +victim, and drag him, unresisting, to his ruin. No man can put himself +under the influence of alcoholic stimulants without incurring the risk of +this result. It may not be perceptible at once. It may be interrupted, and +while the bonds are yet feeble he may escape. But let the habit go forward, +the excitement be often repeated, and soon a deep-wrought physical effect +will be produced; a headlong and almost delirious appetite, of the nature +of a physical necessity, will have seized the whole man as with iron arms, +and crushed from his heart the power of self-control. + +My whole nature was almost constantly demanding and crying out for +stimulants. During the period that I abstained from them, and for two weeks +before I touched or tasted them the last time, my agony was unbearable. In +my sleep I dreamed that I was drinking, and dreamed that I was drunk. Day +by day my appetite grew fiercer and more unbearable, until in my misery I +walked my floor hour after hour, unable to sleep, and feeling that if I lay +down I should die. One night, about a week before I yielded, I walked my +room until midnight, suffering the torments of hell. I felt that I was +dying, and rushed out of my room and walked and ran across fields and +through the woods, panting and gasping for breath. I felt that my head was +bursting to pieces. My blood boiled, and hissed, and foamed through my +veins. I could feel my heart throb and beat as though it would burst out of +my body. At that time I would have torn the veins of my arms open, if I +could have drawn whisky from them. When light came, I found that I had +walked and run seven miles since leaving my room at midnight. All that day +I was burning up for liquor. Had I been where I could lay my hands on it, a +thousand times that day I would have drank though it steeped my soul in +rivers of death. + +In just this condition I went to Indianapolis to address the Woman's +Temperance Convention. I felt that I would drop dead before I finished my +speech. That night I did not sleep more than an hour, and that was a +miserable hour of sleep, in which I dreamed that I was drunk. I woke up +with a burning thirst, and sharp pains darting through my brain. The very +least noise would send a new pang to my head, and when I attempted to walk, +my own footsteps would jar upon my brain as though knives were driven +through it. The next day and night I fought it like a tiger, but my thirst +only increased, and then one gets tired at last of fighting an enemy all +day, knowing that he must confront that same enemy the next day, and the +next, for one can not live always on a strain, always in fear, and doubt, +and dread. The next day I started for Richmond, where I had business, +intending to go from there to Cincinnati and Covington, and thence East. I +got to Richmond, haunted, every inch of the road, with an inexpressible +longing for stimulants. When I got there, I knew that I was where I could +get a little rest from my intense suffering, for I could get whisky. When +the thought of what would be the result of touching it forced itself on my +mind, my agony was so terrible that I could feel the sweat streaming down +my face, and I could have wrung water from my hair. + +If ever there was a man in ruins, a perfect spectacle of utter desolation, +I was that man, as I stood in the depot at Richmond, burning up for whisky. +Had I been standing on red-hot embers my sufferings could not have been +more intense. I feel that I can almost hear some one say, "Why did you not +pray? just go and ask God to help you." I have been told to do that ten +thousand times by good-meaning men and women, who do not know how to pray +as I do, and never will until (which God forbid) they have suffered as I +have. I did pray, and beg, and plead for mercy and help, but the heavens +were solid brass and the earth hard iron, and God did not hear or heed my +prayers. Talk about having the appetite for stimulants removed by prayer! +That appetite is just as much the part of a man as his hand, heart, brain, +or any other part of his body. Every one of God's laws are unchangeable and +immutable. The day of miracles is over. When one of God's creatures +violates his laws, he must pay the penalty; and I think it would be far +better to educate the rising generation that there is no escape for them +from the consequences of their acts, than to preach them into the belief +that they may for years pursue a course of dissipation, violate every law +of their being, and then by prayer have the chains of habit stricken off +and be restored whole. + +Then there is another class of individuals who have said to me, "When you +get into that condition, when you feel that you must have liquor, why don't +you just take a little in moderation?" Moderation! A drink of liquor is to +my appetite what a red-hot coal of fire is to a keg of dry powder. You can +just as easily shoot a ball from a cannon's mouth moderately, or fire off a +magazine slowly, as I can drink liquor moderately. When I take one drink, +if it is but a taste, I must have more, if I knew hell would burst out of +the earth and engulf me the next instant. I am either perfectly sober, with +no smell f of liquor about me, or I am very drunk. Some of those moderate +drinkers, who are increasing their moderation a little every day, and also +some pretended temperance people, who are always suspicious of others, +because they are sneaking, cowardly, sly, deceitful and treacherous +themselves, are constantly asking me if I do not drink a little all the +time. And then they say I use morphine and opium. There is nothing that has +made me more wretched, and done more to weaken and drag me down, than the +continued accusation of doing something that it is just as impossible for +me to do as it would be to live without breathing; that is, to take a drink +of liquor without getting drunk. And if there is any one thing that will +make me hate a man--loathe, abhor, and despise him--it is to have him +accuse me of drinking or using any kind of stimulants regularly and +moderately. I just want to say here, now, and for all time, that they who +thus accuse me, lie in their teeth, mouth, throat, and away down deep in +their dirty, cowardly, craven, black hearts. + +I walked from the depot in Richmond--or, rather, almost ran--until I came +to a drug store kept by a young man I have known for five or six years. He +keeps nearly all drugs in barrels, well watered, and drinks them regularly, +and, as he calls it, moderately. That is to say, he has not been sober for +five years. Always full, bloated, imbecile, idiotic--has no idea of quiting +himself, and would suffer as keenly as any brute is capable of suffering, +at the thought of any one else who is in the habit of drinking becoming a +sober man. When I went in, he was leaning back in a chair dozing, dreaming, +drunk, or as drunk as that kind of a man generally gets. I asked him for +whisky. He straightened up, and a more fiendish gleam of joy than lit up +his brutal face never sat upon the hideous countenance of a fiend fresh +from hell. He got up to get me the liquor, saying at the same time, "I will +bet you five dollars you are drunk before night." I looked at him, saw the +smile of joy, and the intense pleasure that my getting drunk was going to +afford him. Suffering, choking, and almost bereft of reason, as I was, his +look and act caused me to hesitate and wonder what manner of man it was +that was so utterly base and heartless as to rejoice at the ruin of one +whose continued prayer is to live and die sober. Then and there I prayed +God to deliver me from such friends, and keep me from their accursed +influence. Hell knows no blacker deformity than that which would drag a +fellow-creature again to degradation. Satan was as much a friend of human +happiness when he slimed into Eden. In my very youth, I made a resolve that +I never would, knowingly, stand in the path of any man and a better life: +that I would never do anything to prevent a man from leading a better life, +and I have never broken that resolution. I gathered strength and courage +enough, by a desperate effort, to get out of the store without drinking, +and started in an opposite direction from where anything was kept to drink. + +I had gone but a short distance, when there was no longer any enduring of +the torture. I turned back and went into another drug store, and told the +proprietor that I was sick, and asked him for whisky with some kind of +medicine in it. The man who gave it was not to blame, for he knew nothing +about me, nor the fiendish thirst with which I was possessed; and while he +was not more than a minute getting the liquor for me, it seemed an age, and +when I took the glass, I read "death" in it just as plainly as ever "death" +was written upon the field of battle. I hesitated a moment, while something +whispered, "Death!" I struggled, but could not let go of the glass. I +felt the hot, scalding tears come in my eyes. I thought if I could only +die--just drop dead; but I could not, yet I felt that I was dying ten +thousand deaths all the time! I lifted the glass and drank death and +damnation! I drank the red blood of butchery and the fiery beverage of +hell! It glowed like hot lava in my blood, and burned upon my tongue's end. +A smouldering fire was kindled. A wild glow shot through every vein, and +within my stomach the demon was aroused to his strength. I had now but one +thought, but one burning desire that was consuming me--that was for more +drink! It crept to my fingers' ends, and out in a burning flush upon my +cheek. Drink!--DRINK! I would have had it then if I had been compelled to +go to hell for it! But I got it just one step this side the regions of the +damned. I went to a saloon and commenced to pour it down, and continued +until I was crazed. All power over my appetite was gone; I was oblivious to +everything around me. I took the train for Cincinnati. I have a dim, +shuddering remembrance of some parties at the depot trying to keep me from +taking the cars. I don't know who they were, or what they said. I got to +the city that night, and staid at the Galt House. I have no remembrance of +anything from the time I left Richmond until I awoke next day about ten +o'clock, with an aching head, swollen tongue, burnt, black, parched lips, +and a thirst for whisky that was maddening. Death would have been kindness +compared to what I suffered that morning. + +And here let me ask the reader to indulge me for a while, that I may +explain just the condition I was in, both physically and mentally. I know +just how much charity I am to expect and receive from the corrupt +wilderness of human society, for it is a rank and rotten soil, from which +every shrub draws poison as it grows. All that in a happier field and purer +air would expand into virtue and germinate into usefulness is converted +into henbane and deadly nightshade. I know how hard it is to get human +society to regard one's acts as other than his deliberate intentions. But +of being a drunkard by choice, and because I have not cared for the +consequences, I am innocent. I can say, and speak the truth, that there is +not a person on earth less capable than myself of recklessly and purposely +plunging himself into shame, suffering and sin. I will never believe that a +man, conscious of innocence, can not make other men perceive that he has +that thought. I have been miserable all my life. I have been harshly +treated by mankind, in being accused of wickedly doing that which I abhor, +and against which I have fought with every energy I possessed. The greatest +aggravation of my life has been that I could not make mankind believe, or +understand, my real and true condition. I can safely affirm that a blasted +character, and the curses that have clung to my name, have all of them been +slight misfortunes compared to this. I have for years endeavored to sustain +myself by the sense of my integrity; but the voice of no man on earth +echoed to the voice of my conscience. I called aloud, but there was none to +answer; there was none that regarded. To me the whole world has been as +unhearing as the tempest, and as cold as the iceberg. Sympathy, the +magnetic virtue, the hidden essence of our life, was extinct. Nor has this +been the whole sum of my misery. The food so essential to an intelligent +existence, seemed perpetually renewing before me in its fairest colors, +only the more effectually to elude my grasp and to attack my hunger. Ten +thousand times I have been prompted to unfold the affections of my soul, +only to be repelled with the greatest anguish, until my reflections +continually center upon and within myself, where wretchedness and sorrow +dwell, undisturbed by one ray of hope and light. It seems to me that any +person but a fool would know that I had not purposely led the life of +misery that has marked my steps for fifteen years. It would have been +merciful in comparison, if I had planted a dagger in my heart, for I have +suffered an anguish a thousand times worse than death. I would have had +liquor that morning at Cincinnati if I had known that one single drink +would have obliterated my body, soul, and spirit. I had no power to resist; +and to prove that I was powerless, let us see what effect alcohol, in its +physiological aspect, exerts. + +Alcohol possesses three distinct properties, and consequently produces a +threefold physiological effect. + +1. It has a nervine property, by which it excites the nervous system +inordinately, and exhilarates the brain. + +2. It has a stimulating property, by which it inordinately excites the +muscular motions, and the actions of the heart and blood-vessels. + +3. It has a narcotic property. The operation of this property is to suspend +the nervous energies, and soothe and stupefy the subject. + +Now, any article possessing either one, or but two of these properties, +without the other, is a simple and harmless thing compared with alcohol. It +is only because alcohol possesses this combination of properties, by which +it operates on various organs, and affects several functions in different +ways at one and the same time, that its potency is so dreadful, and its +influence so fascinating, when once the appetite is thoroughly depraved by +its use. It excites and calms, it stimulates and prostrates, it disturbs +and soothes, it energizes and exhausts, it exhilarates and stupefies +simultaneously. Now, what rational man would ever pretend that in going +through a long course of fever, when his nerves were impaired, his brain +inflamed, his blood fermenting, and his strength reduced, that he would be +able, through all the commotion and change of organism, to govern his +tastes, control his morbid cravings, and regulate his words, thoughts and +actions? Yet these same persons will accuse, blame, and curse the man who +does not control his appetite for alcohol, while his stomach is inflamed, +blood vitiated, brain hardened, nerves exhausted, senses perverted, and all +his feelings changed by the accursed stuff with which he has been poisoning +himself to death, piecemeal, for years, and which suddenly, and all at +once, manifests its accumulated strength over him. In sixteen months I have +fought a thousand battles, every one more fearful than the soldier faces +upon the field of conflict, where it rains lead and hails shot and shell, +and I have been victorious nine hundred and ninety-eight times. How many of +these who blame me would have been more successful? A man does not come out +of the flames of alcohol and heal himself in a day. It is struggle and +conflict, and woe; but at last, and finally, it is glorious victory. And if +my friends will not forsake me, I will promise them a victory over rum that +shall be complete and entire. I have neither the heart nor the desire to +attempt a description of my drunk at Cincinnati. Those who have never been +in that condition could not understand it; and to those who have, it needs +no description. + +I was at the Galt House for about ten days, and during all that time I was +as oblivious to all that was passing as if I had been dead and buried; I +did not know day from night. I have no remembrance of eating anything +during the whole time I was there. I only remember a burning thirst for +whisky that seemed to be consuming me. The more I drank, the more I wanted. +After the first four nights I could get no sleep, so I just staid up and +drank all night, until, for the want of slumber, my whole body was torn +with torment for long days and nights. I knew from former experience what +was the awful ending! None who have ever even seen a victim cursed with +delirium tremens will ever wish to look upon the like again. No human +language can describe it; but its scenes burn in the eyeball so deeply that +they never pass away. During the time, all the dread enginery of hell is +planted in the victim's brain and he subject to its terrible torments. Most +persons laugh at the idea of one having the tremens, and think it a sign of +weakness. But there is more disgrace and shame for the man who can drink +liquor to intoxication for ten years, and escape the drunkard's madness, +than there is for the man who has had the tremens two or three times during +that period. Tremens are brought about by the effects of the liquor upon +the brain and nerves, and the less brain or nerves a man has the less +liable he is to be a subject of the tremens. While in this situation the +victim imagines that everything is real, and thinks and believes every +object he sees actually exists. With this explanation, I will now proceed +to tell what I have seen, felt, and heard, while in that condition. + +I had felt the delirium tremens coming on for two or three days. I was just +standing on the verge of a mighty precipice, unable to retrace my steps, +and shuddering as I involuntarily leaned over and looked down into the +vortex which my wild and heated imagination opened before me; and I could +see the lost writhe, and hear them howl in their infernal orgies. The wail, +the curse, and the awful and unearthly ha! ha! came fearfully up before me. +I had got into that condition that not one drop of stimulants would remain +on my stomach. I had been vomiting for more than forty-eight hours every +drop that I drank. In that condition I went into a saloon and asked for a +drink; and as I tremblingly poured it out, a snake shot its head up out of +the liquor, and with swaying head, and glistening eye looking at me, licked +out its forked tongue, and hissed in my face. I felt my blood run cold and +curdle at my heart. + +I left the glass untouched, and walked out on the street. By a terrible +effort of my will, I, to some extent, shook off the terrible phantom. I +felt that if I could get some stimulants to remain on my stomach I might +escape the terrible torments that were gathering about me; and yet, at the +very thought of touching the accursed stuff again, I could see the head of +that snake, and could hear ten thousand hisses all around me, and feel it +writhing and crawling through every vein of my body; while at the same time +I was scorching and burning to death for more whisky. At that time I would +have marched across a mine with a match touched to it; I would have walked +before exploding cannons for more liquor. I went to another saloon, +thinking I might get a drink to stay on my stomach, and steady my nerves, +and give me strength to get home before I died; for I felt that this time +there could be no escape from death. This time I was afraid to touch the +bottle, and stood back, shaking and shuddering in every limb, while the +murderer poured out the whisky; and again that liquor turned to snakes, and +they crawled around the glass, and on the bar, and hissed, writhed, and +squirmed. Then in one instant they all coiled about each other, and matted +themselves into one snake, with a hundred heads; and from every head +glittering eyes gleamed, and forked tongues hissed at me. I rushed from the +saloon, and started, I did not know or care where, so that I might escape +my tormentors. I had walked but a short distance, when a dog as large as a +calf sprang up before me, and commenced to growl and snap at me. I picked +up a stick about three feet long, thinking to defend myself; but just as +soon as I took that stick in my hand, it turned to a snake. I could feel +its slimy body writhe and squirm in my hands, and in trying to hold it to +keep it from biting me, every finger-nail cut like a knife into the palm of +my hand, and the blood streamed down over that stick, that to me was a +living snake. Hell is a heaven compared to what I suffered at that time. + +At last I dashed the cursed thing from me, and ran for my life. I got to +some depot, I don't know what one, and took the cars. I didn't know or care +where I went; at about ten miles above Cincinnati I left the cars. At +times, for a little while, I could reason and understand my condition. I +found, on looking around, that I was in a little town, where a young man +lived who had been a college mate of mine. I went and told him my +condition, and he did for me everything that one friend can do for another. +But as night came on my tormentors returned in ten thousand hideous forms, +and drove me raving mad. I went to a hotel, and there they persuaded me to +lie down. Just as soon as I got to bed I reached my hand over, and it +touched a cold, dead corpse. The room lighted up with a hundred bright +lights, and that corpse, that now appeared to me like nothing that had ever +been visible in human shape, opened its large, glassy, dead eyes, and +stared me in the face. Then its whole face and form turned to a demon, and +its red eyes glared at me, and its whole face was full of passion, +fierceness and frenzy. I shrank back from the loathsome monster. On looking +around, I beheld everything in my vision turn to a living devil. Chairs, +stand, bed, and my very clothes, took shape and form, and lived; and every +one of them cursed me. Then in one corner of my room, a form, larger and +more hideous than all the others, appeared. Its look was that of a witch, +or hag, or rather like descriptions that I had read of them. It marched +right up to me, with a face and look that will haunt me to my grave. It +began to talk to me, saying that it would thrust its fingers through +my ribs, and drink my blood; then it would stick out its long, bony, +skeleton-like fingers, that looked like sharp knives, and ha! ha! Then it +said it would sit upon me and press me to hell; that it would roast me with +brimstone, and dash my burnt entrails into my eyes. Saying this, it sprang +at me, and, for what seemed to me an age, I fought the unearthly thing. At +last it said, "Let me go!" and when it did, it glided to the door, and as +it went out, gave me a fiendish look, and said, "I will soon be back, with +all the legions of hell; I will be the death of you; you shall not be alive +one hour." I left my room, and just as soon as I touched the street I +stepped on a dead body. The whole pavement and street were filled; men, and +women, and little children, lying with their pale faces turned up to +heaven; some looked as though they were asleep; others had died in awful +agony, and their faces wore horrid contortions; while some had their eyes +burst from their heads. Every time I moved I stepped on a dead body, and it +would come to life, and rear up in my face; and when I would step on a baby +corpse it would wail in a plaintive, baby wail, and its dead mother would +come to life and rush at me, while a thousand devils would curse me for +stepping on the dead. I would tremble and beg, and try to find some place +to put my feet; but the dead were in heaps, and covered the whole ground, +so that I could neither walk nor stand without being on a corpse. If I +stepped, it was on a dead body, and it would rise up and throw its arms +about me, and curse me for trampling on it; and it was in this way that I +put in that whole night. + +When light dawned the horrible objects disappeared to some extent, and by a +terrible effort I was able to control my mind, and reason on my condition. +I was weak, nervous, and sick. I thought I would eat something, and try to +gain a little strength. The very moment that I sat down to the breakfast +table, every dish on that table turned to a living, moving, horrid object. +The plates, cups, knives and forks became turtles, frogs, scorpions, and +commenced to live and move toward me. I left the table without eating a +bite. I went back to the city that day. I had but just got there when I +wanted some whisky. I took a drink. During the day I drank as many as +twenty glasses of liquor, and by evening I had got myself so steadied that +I took the cars for home. I got as far as Connersville, where I remained +during the balance of my drunk. I kept drinking for three or four days, and +then commenced to vomit again. By this time I had got so weak that it was +with the greatest effort that I could stand on my feet or walk one step. I +felt the madness coming on again with tenfold fury. My terrible fear gave +me more strength. I left the house, and started out on the road, and in an +instant I was surrounded by what seemed a million of demons and devils; it +seemed as though hell had opened up before me. The earth burst open under +my feet, and hot, rolling flame was all around me. I could feel my hair and +eyebrows scorch and burn; then in a moment everything would change. I could +hear a thousand voices, all talking to me at the same time, and every one +threatening me with some horrid death; then I would be surrounded with wild +animals, fighting and tearing each other to pieces, and glaring at me, +while devils told me they would tear me to pieces; then a tiger took my +whole arm between his bloody jaws, and mashed and mangled it to pieces, and +tore that arm from my shoulder; then some fiend, in the shape of an old +hag, would come up and pour red-hot embers into the bleeding wound, from +which my arm had been torn. When I screamed in agony, devils would laugh a +horrid, devilish laugh. I looked down and saw a jug of liquor at my feet, +and when I reached down to get it I heard the click of a hundred pistols, +and a grinning black devil threw his claws over the jug; then devils and +witches boiled the whisky. I could see it on the fire, and hear it seethe +and foam; then they danced around me, and said they had the liquor so hot +that it would scald me to death; then they pried open my mouth, and poured +it down my throat. I could feel my brain bursting out of my head, as that +boiling liquor scalded and burned my tongue out of my mouth, and that +tongue turned to a snake, and with forked tongue hissed at me. + +The next thing I found myself standing on a railroad track; I could just +see the headlight of the engine and hear the faint rumble of the cars, and +when I tried to move off the track I found I was tied with a hundred ropes. +It seemed to me there were a hundred devils up in the air, and each one had +hold of a rope that was wound around my body in such a way that I could not +move. The cars were coming closer and closer, faster and faster; the light +of the engine looked like one horrid eye of fire; I could hear the rattle +and rush of a thousand wheels; it was coming right on me with the rapidity +of lightning. I could feel the beating of my heart, and my hair stood up +and shook and shivered. The engine ran up to me and stopped, the hot smoke +and steam choking and smothering me. The devils cursed and howled because +the cars did not run over me; they said the next time there would come sure +death; then they opened the doors of the engine, and threw in cats and +dogs, men, women, and children. I could hear them scream as the hot flames +wrapped themselves about them, until they would burst open; and that engine +was red-hot. I could see the grin of skeleton demons, as, with a horrid +curse, they motioned the engine to move back; and back, back it went, until +I could just see a faint light; then, at the wild, cursing, screaming +command of my tormentors, I could hear the cars coming again, faster and +faster, closer and closer, and that engine ran at me just that way all +night. It seemed just as real, and my sufferings were just as intense, as +if it had been a reality. When morning came the devils left me, swearing +that they would come back at night, and thus I was tortured all day with +the dread of what was coming again at night. That day, as I was walking, +hens and chickens would turn into little men and women; they were dressed +up in bloody clothes; they would surround me, and pick my body full of +holes; then they would pick my eyes out, and I could see my eyes dropping +from their bloody bills. + +When night came I went to my room. I could hear voices talking in all parts +of the house. They would gather about me and whisper and talk about some +way in which they would kill me; then the windows would be full of cats, +and I could feel little kittens in my pockets; and when I walked I would +step on kittens, and they would mew, and the old cats would howl and burst +through the windows, and claw me to pieces. Then devils would take live, +howling, squalling cats, and pound me with them until I was surrounded and +walled in with dead cats. The more I suffered, and the harder I tried to +escape, the more intense seemed their joy. The room would be full of every +loathsome insect; they would crawl, fly, and buzz around me, stinging me in +the face and eyes. Then the room would fill with rats and mice, and they +would run all over me. Then ten thousand devilish forms would all rush at +me. There were human forms of every size and shape. Some of them had the +face and look of a demon, and from every part of the room their eyes glared +at me; others had their throats gashed to the very spine, while every one +of them accused me of being the cause of their misery. Then devils and +men would rush at me and pin me to the wall of my room, by driving sharp, +red-hot spikes through my body. I could see and feel the blood streaming +from my wounds until my clothes were covered with it. Then they would take +red-hot irons, and burn and scrape my flesh from my bones. They would pull +and tear my teeth out, and dash them in my face. Then they would take +sharp, crooked knife blades, and run them through my body, and tear me to +pieces, and hold up before my eyes my bleeding, burned and quivering flesh, +and it would turn to bloody, hissing snakes. Then I looked and could see my +coffin and dead body. Then I came back to life again, and I heard voices +under my head cursing me, and saying that they would bury me alive. At this +the devils seized me, and I could feel myself flying through the air. At +last they stopped, and I heard a heavy door open. They dragged me into what +they told me was a vault, and, when I tried to escape, I found nothing but +solid walls. The floor was stone, and slippery and slimy. I could hear rats +and mice running over the floor. They would run up my sleeves and down my +neck. In trying to escape from them I struck a coffin; it fell on the hard +stone floor and burst open; then the room lighted up, and the skeleton from +the burst coffin stood up before me, and a long, slimy snake crawled up and +wrapped the skeleton to the very neck; and that horrid thing of bones, with +a living snake coiled all about it, walked up to me and laid its bony +fingers on my face. No language can give the least idea of the horrid +sights and sufferings in the drunkard's madness. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the +"Dare to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names. + + +After recovering from the debauch just described, which I did in the course +of two or three days, I went East to the State of Maine, where I remained +about three months, lecturing in all the principal cities, and in some of +them a number of times. In Bangor, especially, I was warmly welcomed, and I +spoke there as often as ten times, each time to a crowded house. Dr. +Reynolds, the celebrated "Dare to do right" reformer, was at that time a +resident of Bangor, and I had the honor to make his acquaintance. While in +Bangor I made my headquarters at his office, and was much benefited and +strengthened by coming in contact with him. Days and weeks passed, and I +did not taste liquor, although at times, when depressed and tired from +over-work, I found it difficult in the extreme to resist the cravings of my +appetite. + +I returned to Indianapolis in the spring of 1875. I remained in Indiana, +lecturing almost daily, or nightly, until autumn, when I again started East +on a lecturing tour, which lasted eight months. During this time I averaged +one lecture per day. At times, for the space of an entire week, I did not +get as much sleep as I needed in one night, and the work I did in those +eight months was enough to break down the strongest and healthiest +constitution. I spoke in all the more notable cities and towns of +Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine. With regard to my success, I will +let the Eastern press speak for me. It is not from any motive of vanity +that I insert the following notices of the papers, but from a wish to +establish in the minds of my readers the fact that my labor was earnest, +and not without good results. These extracts are not given in the order in +which they appeared; I insert them, taken at random, from hundreds of a +similar character. The first is from the Boston Daily Advertiser: + +"Mr. Luther Benson, of Indiana, delivered a temperance lecture last evening +in Faneuil Hall, before a large and enthusiastic audience. * * * + +"The meeting was opened with prayer by the Rev. Mr. Cooke, of the Hanover +Street Bethel, after which, Mr. E.H. Sheafe introduced the lecturer. The +temperance theme is so old and long discussed that it seemed well-nigh +impossible to present its merits in a new and attractive way, but Mr. +Benson in a simple, straightforward manner, in language clothed with the +peculiar western freedom of speech, together with an accent of marked +broadness, held the undivided attention of his audience from the beginning +of his lecture to the close. The several stories told by the speaker seemed +to exactly suit the temper of his hearers, as the frequent applause +testified, and altogether it was probably one of the most satisfactory +temperance lectures ever delivered in this city. Mr. Benson, who is a +reformed drunkard, describes his trials and struggles in overcoming the +evils of intemperance in a very impressive manner, awakening a strong +interest for the cause which he pleads. + +"During his lecture Mr. Benson paid a marked compliment to the old hall in +which he was speaking, and the liberty of speech allowed within its +portals. Total Abstinence was the one thing needed throughout the land. +There could be no such thing as moderate drinking. Prohibition should be +enforced, and great results would necessarily follow." + +From the Boston Daily Evening Traveler I clip this concerning my lecture at +Chelsea: + +"Hawthorn Hall was crowded to the very gallery last evening with an +audience assembled to listen to a lecture on temperance by Luther Benson, +Esq., of Indiana. Mr. Benson is one of the most powerful and eloquent +orators that have ever stood before an audience. For one hour and a half he +held his audience by a spell. He painted one beautiful picture after +another, and each in the very gems of the English language. He was many +times interrupted by loud bursts of applause. Words drop from his lips in +strains of such impassioned eloquence that they go directly to the hearts +of the audience, and his actions are so well suited to his words that you +can not remember a gesture. You try in vain to recall the inflection of the +voice that moved you to smiles or tears, at the speaker's will. Mr. Benson +is a young man and has only been in the lecture field a little over one +year; yet at one leap he has taken the very front rank, and is already +measuring strength with the oldest and ablest lecturers in the country." + +The next is from the Boston Daily Herald: + +"TEMPERANCE AT FANEUIL HALL. + +"The old cradle of liberty was filled last evening by a large and +appreciative audience, assembled to hear Luther Benson, a well-known +temperance advocate from Indiana. Mr. E.H. Sheafe, under whose auspices the +lecture was held, presided, and the platform was occupied by the Rev. Mr. +Cook, who offered prayer, and by Messrs. Timothy Bigelow, Esq., F.S. +Harding, Charles West, John Tobias, S.C. Knight, and other well-known +temperance workers in this city. Mr. Benson is a reformed man, and, +speaking as he did from a terrible experience, he made an excellent +impression, and proved himself an orator of tact, talent and ability. A +number of his passages were marked with true eloquence and pathos, and for +an hour and a quarter he held the closest attention of his large audience +in a manner that could only be done by those who are earnest in the cause, +and appeal directly to their hearers." + +From the Dover (N.H.) Democrat, this: + +"Luther Benson, Esq., spoke to the largest audience ever gathered in the +City Hall, last night. Notwithstanding the snow, more than fourteen hundred +people crowded themselves in the hall, while hundreds went away for want of +even standing-room. He has created a perfect storm of enthusiasm for +himself in the cause he so earnestly and eloquently advocates. Last night +was Mr. Benson's fourth speech in this city, each one delivered without +notes or manuscript, and with no repetition. He goes from here to Great +Falls and Berwick. Next Sunday he returns to this city, and speaks here for +the last time in City Hall at half past seven o'clock. There never has been +a lecturer among us that could repeatedly draw increased audiences, and +certainly no man--not even Gough--ever so stirred all classes of our people +on the subject of temperance as has Benson. The receipts at the door last +evening were about one hundred and forty dollars. A number who had +purchased tickets previous to the lecture were unable to get in the hall." + +And this from the Pittsburg (Pa.) Gazette: + +"Luther Benson, Esq., of Indiana, has just closed one of the most powerful +temperance lectures ever delivered here. The house was one solid mass of +people, with not one spare inch of standing-room. For nearly two hours he +held the audience as by magic. At the close a large number signed the +pledge, some of them the hardest drinkers here. The people are so delighted +with his good work that they have secured him for another lecture Wednesday +evening." + +The next extract is from the Manchester (N.H.) Press: + +"Smyth's Hall was completely filled, seats and standing room, at two +o'clock Sunday afternoon, with an audience which came to hear Luther +Benson. The officers of the Reform Club, clergymen and reformed drunkards +occupied seats upon the platform. Mr. Benson is a native of Indiana, and +says he has been a drunkard from six years of age. He was within three +months of graduation from college when he was expelled for drunkenness. +Then he studied for a lawyer, and was admitted to practice, being drunk +while studying, and drunk while engaged in a case. At length he reduced +himself to poverty, pawning all he had for drink. At length he started to +reform, and though he had once fallen, he was determined to persevere. +Since his reformation two years ago he had been giving temperance lectures. +He is a young man, a powerful, swinging sort of speaker, with a good +command of language, original, with peculiar intonation, pronunciation and +idioms, sometimes rough, but eminently popular with his audiences. He spoke +for an hour and a half steadily, wiping the perspiration from his face at +intervals, taking up the greater part of his address with his personal +experience. He said he had had delirium tremens several times, once for +fifteen days, and gave an exceedingly minute and graphic description of his +torments. A number of men signed the pledge at the close of the meeting, +Among them was one man, who sat in front of the audience and kept drinking +from a bottle he had, evidently in a spirit of bravado, but at the +conclusion of the address he signed the pledge, crying like a child." + +From the Saltsburg Press, of Pennsylvania, I copy the following: + +"On Monday evening, 29th inst., the people of our staid and quiet little +town had their dormant spirits stirred to their inmost depths, by an +eloquent and thrilling lecture delivered in the Presbyterian church by +Luther Benson, Esq., a native of Indianapolis, Indiana, who chose for his +topic "Total Abstinence." He opened his lecture by delineating in the most +touching and beautiful language the almost heavenly happiness resulting in +a total abstinence from all intoxicating beverages, and by his well-aimed +contrasts demonstrated that, in the use of those beverages, even in a +temperate degree, there was but one result--drunkenness and eternal death. +He was no advocate of temperance; that is, the temperate use of anything +hurtful. Did not believe that anything vicious could be tampered with, +without harm coming from it. He argued to a final and satisfactory +conclusion, that in the use of alcoholic beverages there could be no such +thing as temperance; that the man who took a drink now and then would make +it convenient to take more drinks now than he would then, and in the end +would as surely fill a drunkard's grave as the man who persistently abused +the beverage in its use. His description of the two paths through life was +a most beautiful word picture. That of sobriety leading through bright +green fields, over flowery plains, by pleasant rivulets, where all was +peace and harmony, and over which the spirit of heaven itself seemed to +brood and watch; and that of drunkenness, in which all the miseries and +tortures of the imaginary hell were concentrated in a living death; of +blighted hopes, of wasted life, of ruined homes, of broken hearts, of a +conscience goaded to an insanity--to a madness--to fairly wallow in the +Lethean draft, that memory might be robbed of its poignant goadings; that +the poor, helpless, and degraded victim might escape its horrors in +oblivion. + +"He had been a victim in the toils of the monster for fifteen years; had +endured all the horrors it inflicted upon its votaries during that time, +and made an eloquent appeal to the young men present to choose the right +way and walk therein. He pictured the inevitable result in new and +convincing arguments holding up his own almost hopeless case as a warning. +His description of delirium tremens, while it was frightful, was not +overdrawn. He told the simple truth, as any one who has passed through the +horrible ordeal can testify. + +"We have not space to follow Mr. Benson through his lecture, which was +truly original in language, style and delivery. He is a lawyer by +profession, about twenty-eight years, and is wonderfully gifted with a +pleasing way, rapidly flowing and eloquent language, that carries to the +audience the conviction that he is in earnest in the work of total +abstinence; that in the effort to reclaim himself he will leave nothing +undone to save those who may have started out in life impressed with the +belief that there is pleasure and enjoyment under the influence of +intoxication. That he will accomplish good there is no doubt. He goes into +the work under the influence of the Holy Spirit; maintaining that the grace +of God alone can work a thorough reformation. We have heard Gough lecture, +but maintain that the eloquent, forcible, humorous, pathetic, and +convincing language of Mr. Benson is of a better and higher order, and will +prove more effectual in touching the hearts of those who stand upon the +verge of ruin. + +"Mr. Benson will lecture this (Tuesday) evening, in the Presbyterian +church. Doors open at 6:30; lecture commencing at 7:30. The lecture this +evening will be on a different subject, and no part of the lecture of last +evening will be repeated. + +"As a result of the lecture Monday evening, one hundred and sixty-two +persons signed the pledge." + +With reference to the lecture delivered at Faneuil Hall, the Boston +Temperance Album gives the succeeding synopsis: + +"Mr. Benson, on being introduced, paid the following eloquent tribute to +the Hall: + +"Ladies and gentlemen: It is with emotions such as I have never experienced +upon any former occasion, that I stand before you to-night in this, the +birthplace of American liberty. It was in this hall that was first +inaugurated the grand march of revolution and liberty that has gilded the +page of the history of our time with the most glorious achievements of the +patriot that the world has ever had to admire. It was here that was +inaugurated those immortal principles that caused revolution to rise in +fire, and go down in freedom, amid the ruins and relics of oppression. It +was here that the beacon of liberty first blazed, and the rainbow of +freedom rose on the cloud of war; and as a result, of the patriotism and +heroism of our forefathers, liberty has erected her altars here in the very +garden of the globe, and the genius of the earth worship at her feet. And +here in this garden of the West, here in this land of aspiring hope, where +innocence is equity, and talent is triumph, the exile from every land finds +a home where his youth may be crowned with happiness, and the sun of life's +evening go down with the unmolested hope of a glorious immortality. Who is +not proud of being an American citizen, and walking erect and secure under +the Stars and Stripes? + +"If there be a place on earth where the human mind, unfettered by +tyrannical institutions, may rise to the summit of intellectual grandeur, +it is here. If there be a country where the human heart, in public and in +private, may burst forth in unrestrained adulation to the God that made it, +it is here, where the immortal heroes and patriots of more than one hundred +years ago succeeded in establishing these United States, as the 'land of +the free and the home of the brave.' Here, then, human excellence must +attain to the summit of its glory. Mind constitutes the majesty of man, +virtue his true nobility. The tide of improvement which is now flowing like +another Niagara through the land, is destined to flow on down to the latest +posterity, and it will bear on its mighty bosom our virtues, or our vices, +our glory, or our shame, or whatever else we may transmit as an +inheritance. Thus it depends upon ourselves whether the moth of immortality +and the vampire of luxury shall prove the overthrow of this country, or +whether knowledge and virtue, like pillars, shall support her against the +whirlwinds of war, ambition, corruption, and the remorseless tooth of time. +And while assembled here to-night, in this, the very cradle of liberty, let +us not forget that there are evils to be shunned and avoided by us as +individuals and as a common people. + +"It is about one of these evils that is threatening the stability, +prosperity, and happiness of this whole country that I would talk to you +to-night. Let us approach near to each other and talk, if possible, soul to +soul, and heart to heart, I would talk to you to-night of liberty, that +liberty that frees us, body, soul, and spirit, from the slavery of the +intoxicating bowl; a slavery more soul-wearing and life-destroying than any +Egyptian bondage. Why, it is but a few years ago that this whole continent +rocked to its very center on the question as to whether human slavery +should endure upon its soil! That was but the slavery of the body, a +slavery for this life; and that was bad enough, but the slavery about which +I talk to you is a slavery not only of the body, but of the soul, and of +the spirit; a slavery not only for this life, but a slavery that goes +beyond the gates of the tomb, and reaches out into an infinite eternity. +The slavery of intoxication, unlike human slavery, is confined to no +particular section, climate, or society; for it wars on all mankind. It has +for its home this whole world. It has the flesh for its mother and the +devil for its father. It stands out a headless, heartless, eyeless, +earless, soulless monster of gigantic and fabulous proportions." + +As a _very few_ persons have said my labors in the cause of Temperance were +not, and are not, productive of good, I will give just very short extracts +from a number of letters which I have received from persons who ought to +know: + + FRANKFORT, IND., October 18, 1875. + + LUTHER BENSON, ESQ.--_My Dear Sir_--Yours of the 14th is before me + for answer, and, although very busily engaged in court, I can not + refrain from answering at some length. First, I will say, "I have + kept the faith." Though "the fight" is not yet over, my + emancipation from the terrible thralldom is measurably complete. + Occasional twinges of appetite yet admonish me to maintain my + vigilance. It was while struggling with one of these that your + letter came like a messenger from heaven to encourage and + strengthen me. Not a day passes but that I think of you, and to + your wise counsel and affectionate admonition, under Providence, I + owe my beginning and continuance in this well-doing. * * * May the + Lord spare you to "open the lips of truth" to those who, like + myself, will perish without a revelation of their danger. With high + esteem and sincere affection, I am, ever your friend, ---- + + + + SALEM, MASS., October 29, 1875. + + BRO. BENSON--I write you these few lines to cheer your heart, and + assure you that your labor in Salem has not been in vain in the + Lord's cause (the Temperance Reform). Our friend and brother, ----, + from Beverly, was over at our meeting on Wednesday evening last, + and it would do your heart good to see the change in him. He will + never forget Luther Benson, for it was your first speech in Salem + that saved him. ---- + +I desire now to come down to the very near present, as some claim that my +late _afflictions_ and sore misfortunes have extinguished my capacity for +good: + + MEMPHIS, MO., Feb. 14, 1878. + + DEAR BENSON--I know of my personal knowledge that you did a grand + work here. Bro. B., you remember my pointing out to you a Dr. ----, + and telling you what a persecutor of churches he was, and how hard + he drank. He in two nights after you were here signed the pledge, + and in telling his experience, said that you saved him--that no + other person had ever been able to impress him as you did. + + Truly, ---- + + + + ----, Jan. 1, 1878. + + MY VERY DEAR FRIEND--I wish I could be with you and knee with you + as in the past, and hear your faith in God. Here is my hand + forever. You have done more for me than all the shepherds on the + bleak hillsides of this black world. + + Lovingly, ---- + + + + TERRE HAUTE, IND., Feb. 22, 1878. + + DEAR BENSON--You have done more for me than all the men and women + on earth. One year ago I heard you lecture on Temperance in + Lafayette. Then I was a poor outcast drunkard; you saved me. I am + now a sober man and a Christian. ---- + +I could furnish thousands of such testimonials as the above, but deem these +sufficient to convince any honest person that my toil is not in vain. + +From one of the journals of my native State I clip the concluding extract: + +"Luther Benson, the gifted inebriate orator, is still struggling against +the demon of strong drink. He spoke at Jeffersonville recently, and in the +middle of his discourse became so chagrined and disheartened at his +repeated failures at reform, that he took his seat and burst into a flood +of tears. He has since connected himself with the church, and has professed +religion. May his new resolves and associations strengthen him in the line +of duty. But, like the man among the tombs, the demons of appetite have +taken full possession of his soul, and riot in every vein and fiber of his +being. It is a fearful thraldom to be encompassed with the wild +hallucinations begotten through a life of dissipation and debauchery. The +strongest resolves at reform are broken as ropes of sand. All the moral +faculties are made tributary to the one ruling passion--drink, drink, +drink! But still his repeated resolves and heroic efforts betoken a +greatness of soul rarely witnessed. May he yet live to see the devils that +so sorely beset him running furiously down a steep place into the sea, and +sink forever from his annoyance. But when they do come out of the man, +instead of entering a herd of heedless swine for their coursers to the +deep, may they ride, booted and spurred, every saloon-keeper who has +contributed to make Luther Benson what he is, to the very verge of despair, +and to the brink of hell's yawning abyss." + +I might give many more well written and flattering criticisms, but from the +foregoing the reader can determine in what estimation to hold my labor. For +myself I am not solicitous for anything beyond escape from my thraldom, and +that peace which is the sure accompaniment of a temperate Christian life. +If I thought that my readers were of the opinion held by some of my enemies +that my lectures have not been productive of good, I could quote from +numberless private letters received from all parts of the land, in which I +am assured of the good results which have crowned my humble efforts--in +which I am told of very many instances where my words of entreaty and +self-humiliation have been the means of bringing back from the darkness and +death of intemperance, fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers who were on +the road to destruction. I have letters from the wives, mothers, and +sisters of these men, invoking the blessings of heaven upon me for the +peace and happiness thus restored to them. I have letters from little +children thanking me also for giving them back their fathers, and I thank +God from the depths of my torn and desolate heart that I have been the +humble instrument of good in these cases. In my darkest hours, when I feel +that all is lost, when hope seems to soar away from me to the far-off +heavens from which she first descended to this world, these letters, which +I often read, and over which I have so often wept grateful tears, give me +strength and courage to face the struggle before me. My most earnest prayer +to God has been that I may do some good to compensate in some measure for +the talent which he gave me, and which I have so sadly wasted. I have +avoided mentioning the names of the many dear friends who have not forsaken +me in this last extremity. As I write, name after name, dear to memory, +crowds into my mind. I can hardly refrain from giving them a place on these +pages, but to mention a few would be manifestly unjust to the remainder, +and it is out of my power to print all of them in the space which could be +afforded in this small book. But I wish to assure every man and woman who +has ever given me a kind word of encouragement, or even a kind look, that +they are not and never will be forgotten. Whatever my future fate may be, +you did your duty, and God will bless you. Your names are all sacred to me. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to hell--Conceive the +idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in +company with Gen. Macauley--Separate from him at Buffalo--I go on to New +York alone--Trading clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey +City--In the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In +court--"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At +the residence of Junius Brutus Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go +to Boston--Attend the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home once +more--Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow which +whispered--"Go away!" + + +I returned home from this second tour in the Eastern States in April, 1876, +with shattered nerves and weary brain, but instead of resting, I went on +lecturing until my overworked mind and body could no longer hold out, and +then it was, after nearly two years of sobriety, that I once more fell. For +weeks before this disaster overtook me, I was actually an irresponsible +maniac. My pulse was never lower than one hundred to the minute, and much +of the time it ran up to one hundred and twenty. I was so weak that with +all my energy aroused I could only move about with feeble steps, and a +constant anxiety and longing for something to drink preyed upon me. I was +not content to remain in one place, but wanted to be going somewhere all +the time, I cared not where. In this condition I dragged along my existence +for weeks, until at last, driven to a frenzy, reason fled, and I plunged +headlong into the horrors of another debauch. My downward course appeared +to be accelerated by the very struggles which I had made to rise during the +past two years. The moment I recovered from one horrible spell another more +fierce seized me and plunged me into the very depths of hell. I now +conceived the idea of getting some one to travel with me, thinking that by +this means I could perhaps throw off the morbid gloom and melancholy which +hung over me. But again I did the very thing I should not have done--I +lectured. + +On the 30th of September, 1876, I started from Indianapolis, in company +with Gen. Dan. Macauley, on a third lecturing tour East. I was drunk when +we started, and remained in that accursed state during the journey. At +Buffalo, New York, we got separated, thence I went to New York city alone, +where I continued drinking until I had no money. I then commenced to pawn +my clothes--first, my vest; second, a pair of new boots, worth fourteen +dollars; I got a quart of whisky, an old and worn-out pair of shoes, and +ten cents in money, for my boots. I drank up the whisky, and traded off my +overcoat. It was worth sixty dollars. I realized about five cents on the +dollar, and all the horrors of all hells ever heard of, for I was attacked +with the delirium tremens. By some means, of which I am entirely ignorant, +I got across the river, into Jersey City, and was there arrested and lodged +in the calaboose, in which I remained from Saturday until the following +Monday. I suffered more in the forty-eight hours embraced in that time +than I ever before or since suffered in the same length of time. I do not +know the hour, but it was getting dark on that Saturday evening, when I got +deathly sick, and commenced vomiting. I continued vomiting until Monday. +Nothing that I swallowed would remain on my stomach. About eight o'clock +Saturday evening the authorities, the police officers, put a large number +of men and boys, who were arrested for being drunk, in the room in which +I was confined. By midnight there were fourteen of us in a small, +poorly-ventilated, dirty room. Planks extended around the room on three +sides, and on these those who could get a place lay down. Among the number +of "drunks" imprisoned with me were some of the worst and largest roughs of +Jersey City, and these inhuman wretches, in the absence of the police, +threatened; to take my life if I vomited again. In the room adjoining ours +a madman was confined, and I don't think he ceased kicking and screaming a +moment from Saturday night until Monday. In the room just across the narrow +hall, fronting ours, was an insane woman, who swore she had two souls, one +of which was in hell! She, too, kept up an incessant, piteous wailing, +begging some one, ever and anon, with piercing screams, to bring back her +lost soul! Indianapolis is more civilized than Jersey City in respect to +her prisons, but not with respect to her police. And I am pretty sure that, +as managed by its present superintendent, the unfortunate insane are in no +other State cared for as they are in the Indiana asylum, and in no other +State is the appropriation for running such a noble institution so beggarly +as in ours. I have visited other asylums, and am now an inmate of this, and +I know whereof I speak. + +The reader may have a faint idea of my sufferings while in the Jersey City +calaboose when I tell him that the least noise pierced my brain like a +knife. I can in fancy and in my dreams hear the wild screams of that woman +yet. On Monday morning we were marched together to a room, and I saw that +there were about fifty persons all told under arrest. Among the number were +many women, and I write with sorrow that their language was more profane +and indecent than that of the men. I stood as in a nightmare and heard +the judge say from time to time--"Five dollars"--"Ten dollars"--"Ten +days"--"Fifteen days"--and so on. I was so weak that I found it almost out +of my power to stand up, and as the various sentences were pronounced my +heart gave a quick throb of agony. I felt that a sentence of ten days would +kill me. At this moment "John Dalton" was called. I answered "Here, your +Honor!" for Dalton was the name I had assumed. My offense was read--and the +officer who arrested me volunteered the statement that I was not +disorderly, and that I had not been creating any disturbance. I felt called +upon to plead my own case before the judge, and without waiting for his +permission I began to speak. It was life or death with me, and for ten +minutes I spoke as I never spoke before and have never spoken since. I +pierced through his judicial armor and touched his pity, else the fear of +being talked to death influenced him, to discharge me with the generous +advice to leave the city. Either way I was free, and was not long in +getting across the river into New York, where I succeeded in finding +General Macauley who saw that my toilet was once more arranged in a +respectable manner. That night we started for Boston, and arrived there on +Tuesday morning. I got drunk immediately and remained drunk until Saturday, +on which memorable day I went in company with the General to Junius Brutus +Booth's residence, at Manchester, Mass., where I staid, well provided for, +until I got sober. I then began to fill my engagements, and for six weeks +lectured almost every day and night. I again broke down and came home. I +finally got sober once more and did not drink anything until in January +last, when I again fell. I went to Jeffersonville to lecture, and while +there became converted. Had I then ceased to work and given my worn-out +body and mind a much needed rest, I would have to-day been standing up +before the world a free and happy man. But my desire to see and tell every +one of the new joy which I had found controlled me, and for six weeks I +spoke every day, and often twice a day. I started east again and went to +Boston. I attended the Moody and Sankey meetings, but was troubled with I +know not what. All the time an unnatural feeling seemed to have possession +of me. + +One afternoon, just after getting off my knees from prayer, a strange spell +came over me and before I could realize what I was doing, the devil hurried +me into a saloon, where I began to drink recklessly, and knew nothing more +for two or three days. Then I awoke, I knew not where. Some of my friends +found me and sent me home. I now suffered more mental torture than I +experienced on sobering up from any other spree I was ever on. I believed +firmly that I was saved; that my appetite for liquor was forever gone. I +felt now that there was no hope for me. Oh, the despairing days and long +black nights of agony unspeakable that followed this debauch! In time I +recovered physical health, and began to lecture, though under greater +difficulties than ever before. I was so harrassed by my own shame and the +world's doubts that within a month I again got drunk. While on this spree +my friends made out the necessary papers, and I was committed to the +Indiana Hospital for the Insane. Here, then, I am to-day, very near the end +of my most wretched and misspent life. How can I tell the emotions which +swell in my heart? It is on the record of this asylum that I was brought +here June 4th, a victim of intemperance. Everything is being done for me +that can be done, but I feel that my case is hopeless unless help comes +from above. Ordinarily restraint and proper attention to diet and rest +would in time cure aggravated cases of that peculiar insanity which +manifests itself in an abnormal and excessive demand for liquor. But with +me the spell returns after months of sobriety with a force which I am +powerless to resist, as the reader has seen in the several instances given +in this autobiography. The rule of treatment for patients here varies with +the different characters of the patients. The impressions which I had +formed of insane asylums was very different from those which have come from +my sojourn among the insane. There is less screaming and violence than I +thought there would be, and for most of the time the wards in which the +better class of patients are confined are as still and apparently as +peaceful as a home circle. The horror experienced during the first week's, +or first two weeks' confinement wears off, and one gradually forgets that +he is in a house for the mad. Many amusing cases come under my observation, +but there are others which excite various feelings of pity, disgust, fear, +and horror. There is, for instance, a man in "my ward" who imagines that he +has murdered all his relations. Another believes that he swallowed and +carries within him a living mule which compels him to walk on his hands as +well as his feet. One poor fellow can not be convinced but assassins are +hourly trying to stab or shoot him. One is afraid to eat for fear of being +poisoned, and another wants to disembowel himself. Twice a day the wards, +which number from thirty to forty patients under the charge of two +attendants, one or the other of whom is constantly on duty, are taken out +for a walk in the beautiful grounds around the asylum. Sometimes, when it +is thought that the patient will be benefited, and when he is really well +but still not in a condition to be discharged, he is allowed the freedom of +the grounds. After I had been here two weeks I was permitted to go out on +the grounds alone. But my feelings are about the same outside the building +as inside. Even as I write I feel that there is a devil within me which is +demanding me to go away from this place. I want whisky, and would at this +moment barter my soul for a pint of the hellish poison. I have now been +here a little over a month. Like all the other patients, I am kindly +treated. Our beds are clean, and our food is well prepared, such as it is, +and it is really much better than could be expected on the appropriation +made by the last Legislature. I doubt if there is another institution of +the kind in the United States that can be compared with this in the +ability, justice, kindness, and noble and unswerving honesty of its +management. Dr. Everts, the superintendent, is a gentleman whom I have not +the honor to know personally, but whose commanding intelligence, and +equally great heart, are venerated by all who do know him. + +This is the fourth day of July, and I have written to my friends to come +and take me away--for what purpose I dare not think. I am utterly desolate +and miserable, and dare not look forward to the future, for I dread to face +the uncertain and unknown TO-COME. To stay here is worse than madness, in +my present condition, and to go away may be death. O, that some power +higher than earth would reach forth a hand and save me from myself! I can +not remain here without abusing the kindness and trust of a great +institution, nor can I go away, I fear, without bringing disgrace on my +friends, and shame and death on myself. God of mercy, help me! I know how +useless it would be to lock me up in solitary confinement, and I think my +attendant physician also feels that I can not be saved by any means within +the reach of the asylum. With others not insane, but cursed with that +insanity for drink which, if not checked, will soon or late lead to the +destruction of reason and life itself, there is a chance to restore them +from the curse to a life of honor and usefulness, and no means should be +left untried which may ultimately save them, especially the young who, but +for this curse infernal, might rise to a useful and even august manhood. + +The shadows of the evening are settling upon the face of the earth. Now and +then the report of a cannon in the direction of the city recalls what day +it is, and I am reminded that crowds are thronging the streets for the +purpose of witnessing the display of holiday fireworks; but vain to me such +mimicry. A tall and mysterious shadow, more dark and awful than any which +will steal among the graves of the old churchyard to-night, has risen and +now stands beside whispering in the stillness--"Go away!" + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My friends +consult with the officers of the institution--I am discharged--Go +to Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings and horrible sufferings-- +Alcohol--The tyrant whom all should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is +anything gained by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It +leads to ruin and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at +present--The end. + + +After writing the words "go away," which close the preceding chapter, I lay +down and tried to compose my thoughts, but the effort was futile. I passed +a sleepless night, and when morning came I had fully resolved to leave the +hospital if in my power to do so. During the forenoon I took up my pencil a +number of times for the purpose of writing, but I was so disturbed in mind +that I could not write a line intelligibly, and I will here say that from +that day, July fifth, to this, September fifteenth, the manuscript remained +untouched in the hands of a very dear friend, to whom I am under many +obligations for his clear advice and judgment on matters of this sort as +well as on others. I will now write this, the fifteenth and last chapter of +this book; and in order to make the story of my life complete up to this +date, I will go back and resume the thread of the narrative where it was +left off on the evening of the fourth of July. It will be remembered that +in my last chapter I spoke of having written letters to some of my friends +desiring them to come and ask for my discharge. I awaited impatiently their +coming, but when they came, which was on the sixth of July, I think, they +were undecided whether it would be better for me to "go away," or remain +longer at the asylum, but I plead to go, as if my life depended upon it. +After consultation with the authorities at the hospital, who were clearly +of the opinion that they had no right to detain me under the circumstances, +and who, therefore, felt it incumbent upon them to discharge me, +particularly if my friends were willing, it was by all parties decided that +I should go. I felt glad in my heart that the institution was relieved of +all responsibility in my case, for I did not wish to bring reproach upon +anyone, and I feared if I remained longer I might take some rash step +(abusing the generous kindness of my officers) that would do so. They had +done their whole duty by me, and it remained for me now to do my duty to +myself and friends. But as soon as I got to Indianapolis the pent-up fires +of appetite blazed forth, and while on the way to the Union Depot to take +the train to Rushville, I gave my friends the slip, and, sneaking like a +thief through the alleys, I sought and found an obscure saloon in which I +secreted myself and began to drink. I was once more on the road which leads +to perdition. The old enemy, who had crawled up the walls of the asylum and +slimed himself through my grated windows, and coiled around my heart in +frightful dreams, again had me in his possession. Thus began one of the +most maniacal and terrible drunks of my life. I became possessed of the +wildest and most unreal thoughts that ever entered a crazed brain. I abused +and misrepresented my best friends, and cursed everything but the thrice +cursed liquor which was burning up my body and soul. I told absurd and +terrible stories about the places where I had been, and about the friends +who had done most for me. I was insane--as utterly so for the time as the +worst case in the asylum. I knew not what I did or said, and yet my actions +and words were cunningly contrived to deceive. + +For the greater part of the fifteen days which followed I was as +unconscious of what I did or said as if I had been dead and buried in the +bottom of the sea. What I know of the time I have learned since from the +lips of others. The hideous, fiendish serpent of drunkenness possessed my +whole being. I felt him in every nerve, bone, sinew, fiber, and drop of +blood in my body. There were moments when a glimmer of reason came to me, +and with it a pang that shriveled my soul. During the period that I was +drinking I was in Rushville, after leaving Indianapolis, Falmouth and +Cambridge City. Of course, for the most part of the time, I knew not where +I was. As I think of it now, I know that I was in hell. My thirst for +whisky was positively maddening. I tried every means to quit, when +conscious of my existence: I voluntarily entered the calaboose more than +once, and was locked up, but the instant I got out, the madness caused me +to fly where liquor was. I drank it in enormous quantities, and smothered +without quenching the scorching, blazing fires of hell which were making +cinders and ashes of every hope and energy of my being. I made my bed among +serpents; I fed on flames and poison; I walked with demons and ghouls; all +unutterable and slimy monsters crawled around and over me; every breath +that I drew reeked with the odor of death; every beat of my fast-throbbing +heart sent the hissing, boiling blood through my veins, which returned and +froze about it. I have neither words nor images sufficiently horrible to +typify my condition. I became, for the time an abhorred object; the sex of +my sainted mother made a wide sweep to pass me by, and dear, little, +innocent children fled from me as from a monster. My soul was no longer my +own. The fiend Appetite had given it over, bound and helpless, to the fiend +Alcohol. I turned by bleared vision towards the vaulted skies, and cursed +them because they did not rain fire and brimstone down upon me and destroy +me. And yet, oh! how I dreaded to die! The grave opened before me, and a +million horrors were in its hollow and black chasm. The scalding tears I +shed gave me no relief; the cries I uttered were unheard; and every ear was +deaf to my pleadings. At times I thought of the asylum, and I would have +given worlds could I have retraced my steps, and slept once more securely +within its merciful and protecting walls. O, God! I screamed, why did I +leave it? As day after day dragged its endless length along, and no relief +came, my despair was a delirium of wretchedness. The sun appeared to be +extinguished, and the universe was a void of black, impenetrable darkness, +out of which, before and after me, rose the hideous specters, Death and +Annihilation. The unimaginable horrors of the tremens were upon me. + +Once more hear my voice, you who read! Lose no opportunity to strike a blow +at intemperance. It may smile in the rosy face of youth, but do not be +deceived; there are agonies unspeakable hidden beneath that smile. Look not +on the wine cup when it is red, no matter if the jeweled hand of a princess +hold it between you and the light. It is the beginning whose end is +degradation, remorse, misery and death! Turn from a glass of beer as from a +goblet of reeking and poisoned blood. It is a danger to be shunned. Beware +that you do not learn this too late. + +Alcohol, ruin, and death go hand in hand. The region over which Alcohol is +king is one of decay. It is full of graves. The ghosts of the million joys, +he has slain wail amid its ghastly desolations; there are sounds of sobbing +orphans there; echoes of widows' shrieks; and the lamentations of fond +mothers and wives, heart-broken, vex the realm; youth and age lie here +dishonored together; in vain the sweetheart begs her lover to return from +its fatal mists; in vain the pure sister calls with trembling tongue for +her erring brother. He will not come back. He is the slave of a tyrant who +has no compassion and knows no mercy. Oppose this tyrant, all ye who love +the home circle better than the bawdy house; fight him all ye who set honor +above dishonor; curse him all ye who prefer peace to discord, and law to +anarchy; war against him in all ways unceasingly all ye to whom the thought +of liberty and safety is dear, to whom happiness and truth are more +desirable than misery and falsehood. + +What, let me ask, is to be gained by drinking? What blessing comes from +forming or indulging the habit? Pause here and think well before you +answer. You could not afford to drink if the wealth of a nation were yours, +because no man can afford to lose health and happiness if he hopes +enjoyment in life. If you are strong, alcohol will destroy your nerves and +sap your vigor. If you are weak, it will enfeeble you the more. If you are +unhappy, it will only add to your unhappiness. Look at the subject as you +will, you can not afford to drink intoxicating liquors. The moment you +begin to form the habit of drinking that moment you begin to endanger your +reputation, health and happiness, and that of your family and friends also. +And let me say right now that you begin to form the habit when you touch +your lips to any sort of intoxicating drink the first time. I have drank +the sparkle and foam, and the gall and wormwood of all liquors. Do you envy +me the horrors through which I have passed? You know how to avoid them. +Never touch liquor. If you are bent on going to hell and destruction, +choose a nearer and more honorable way by blowing your brains out at once. + +A few words more, dear readers, and I will bid you good by. Many of you +have no doubt heard of my restored peace and lasting favor with God at +Fowler, Indiana. With regard to it and my condition at the present time, I +will incorporate in substance the letter which I recently published in +reply to inquiries addressed to me from all parts of the country, shortly +after that event. I will give the letter with but little change, even at +the risk of repeating what is elsewhere recorded. It is as follows: + +On the evening of January twenty-first, 1877, at Jeffersonville, Indiana, +God pardoned my sins and made me a new creature. For weeks happiness and +joy were mine. The appetite--rather my passion--for liquor, which made the +present a misery and the future a darkness, was no longer present. Its +heavy burdens had fallen from me. Of this there could be no doubt; but I +had been educated to believe that "once in grace always in grace," and this +led to a fatal deception, a belief that I could not fall; that after God +had once pardoned my sins I was as surely saved as if already in Paradise. +That they were pardoned I had not a doubt, for the manifestations were as +clear as light. Falsely thinking that I was pardoned for all time, my soul +grew self-reliant: I became at the same time careless of my religious +duties. I neglected to pray, to beware of temptation, and, naturally +enough, soon found myself drifting into the society of those who neither +loved nor feared God. Had I trusted alone in God and permitted the Savior +to lead and keep me, I should not have fallen. Instead, I went back to the +world, gave no thanks to God for his mercy and love, and thus dishonoring +him, his face was hidden from me. + +I went to Boston to speak in Moody and Sankey's meeting. I never once hoped +by so doing to be the means of others' salvation; my sole thought was self +and selfish ambition. Instead of talking at the Moody meeting, I took a +drink of liquor, soon got drunk, and so remained for days. When I came out +of the oblivion of that debauch, the agony experienced was terrible. All +the shames, all the burning regrets, all the stinging compunctions of +conscience I had known on coming out of such debauches before my conversion +were almost as joy compared with the misery which preyed upon my heart +then. I can not describe the hopeless feeling of remorse which came over +me. I lived and moved in a night of misery and no star was in its sky. In +the course of a few days I recovered physically so far as to be able to +lecture. I prayed in secret, long and often, for a return of that peace +which comes from God alone, but in vain. I was justly self-punished. At the +end of four or five weeks I fell again, and this time my degradation was +deeper than before. I would at times console myself with the thought that +my suffering had reached the limit of endurance, and at such times new and +still keener agonies would rise in my heart, like harpies, to tear me to +atoms. + +It was at this time that I was committed to the Hospital for the Insane at +Indianapolis. The reader is aware of what took place on my arrival at +Indianapolis, after leaving the hospital. I felt somehow that it was my +last spree. I kept it up until nature could endure no more. I felt that my +stomach was burned up, and that my brain was scalded. I was crucified from +my head to the soles of my feet. I began to feel sure that this time I +would die, and, when dead, go to the hell which seemed to be open to +receive me. July twenty-first I left Indianapolis, and went to Fowler, +Indiana, at which place, for five days and nights, I suffered every mental +and physical pang that can afflict mortal man. Day and night I prayed God +to be merciful, but no relief came. The dark hopelessness in which I lay I +can not describe. I felt that I was undeserving of God's pardon or mercy. I +had wronged myself, and my friends more than myself; I had trampled upon +the love of Christ; I had loved myself amiss and lost myself. The Christian +people of Fowler prayed for me; they called a prayer-meeting especially for +me, to ask God to have mercy on and save me. On Wednesday night I went to +the regular prayer-meeting, and, with a breaking heart, begged, on +bended knee, that God would take compassion on me. The next day, July +twenty-sixth, was the most wretched day I ever passed on earth. It seemed +that whichsoever way I turned, hell's fiercest fires lapped up around my +feet. There seemed no escape for me. Like that scorpion girt with flames, +flee in any direction I would, I found the misery and suffering increasing. +I resolved to commit suicide, but when just in the act of taking my life +the Spirit of God restrained me. I met the Rev. Frank Taylor, the pastor at +Fowler. I told him my hopeless condition. He cheered me in every way +possible. In the evening we took a walk, and it was during this walk, while +in the act of reaching my hand down to my pocket to get a chew of tobacco, +that I felt a power hold back my hand, and, plainer than any spoken words, +this same power told me not to touch it. I obeyed, withdrew my hand, and at +that instant the glory of God filled my heart, suffering fled from me, and +in its stead came sweet peace. + +I had been using enormous quantities of tobacco, and the use of this +narcotic increased, if it did not aid in bringing on my appetite for +liquor. I have at times suffered keenly from suddenly renouncing its use, +but from the time God fully restored me I have not tasted nor touched +tobacco and whisky or any other stimulants. Do not understand me as saying +that the appetite for them is dead, or that I have had no hours of +depression and struggle in which the old Satan tempted me. I expect all my +life to wage a battle against him, and to know what sorrow is and pain. But +by the grace of God I will dare to do right, and with his help I mean to be +victorious in every fight against sin. I will abase myself with a trusting +heart, and shrink from all self-esteem at war with the true principles to +which a follower of Christ should cling. I will grind myself to dust if by +so doing I may have God's grace. I fully realize that left to myself I am +nothing. Jesus is not only my Savior; he shall be my guide in all things. +His precious blood has redeemed me, and I am at rest in the shadow of the +Rifted Rock. Peace dwells within me, and joy and praise to the Father of +all mercies fill my soul. To that Father Almighty be the praise. I +earnestly desire the prayers of all Christian men and women. Every time you +pray ask God to keep and save me with a salvation which shall be +everlasting. + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13332 *** diff --git a/13332-h/13332-h.htm b/13332-h/13332-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..52b5fc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/13332-h/13332-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4419 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + <!-- + body {margin-left: 4%; margin-right: 4%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%; + background: black; height: 3px;} + hr.narrow {text-align: center; width: 25%; + background: black; height: 2px;} + + .poem {margin-left: 5%; margin-right:5%; + text-align: left;} + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; + font-size: 0.9em;} + .indent {margin-left: 3%;} + .right {text-align: right;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .illus {text-align: center;} + .chcont {text-align: center; font-weight : bold;} + .smallc {font-variant : small-caps ;} + .smallccen {text-align: center; font-variant : small-caps ;} + .subjects {font-size: 90%; margin: 0% 5%;} + .table {border: none;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13332 ***</div> + +<h1>FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL.</h1> + +<h3>AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.</h3> + +<h2>BY LUTHER BENSON,</h2> + +<h3>1885.</h3> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<h2>TABLE OF CONTENTS.</h2> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch1">CHAPTER I.</a></p> + +<p>Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow +and gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not do-- +Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder."</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch2">CHAPTER II.</a></p> + +<p>Birth, parentage and early education--Early childhood--Early events--Memory +of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy life--Breaking colts +for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much to do in the matter of +drink--The author to blame for his misspent life--Inheritances--The +excellences of my father and mother--The road to ruin not wilfully trodden- +-The people's indifference to a great danger--My associates--What became of +them--The customs of twenty years ago--What might have been.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch3">CHAPTER III.</a></p> + +<p>The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and silent +breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves and +promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for liquor-- +The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power of +appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch4">CHAPTER IV.</a></p> + +<p>School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive to +Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting a cigar-- +A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and what befell us +while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in a crib--Getting awake-- +The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna jug--Another debauch--The +exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting to college at Cincinnati-- +My companions--The destruction wrought by alcohol--Dr. Johnson's +declaration concerning the indulgence of this vice--A warning--A dangerous +fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. +Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous idea--Temperance the best aid to thought.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch5">CHAPTER V.</a></p> + +<p>Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer brawls-- +County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white oxen--The +"red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I found myself in +the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching under difficulties--Quiet +again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on a spree"--What a spree means.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch6">CHAPTER VI.</a></p> + +<p>Law practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad to worse- +-My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, God!"-- +Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's duty-- +Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch7">CHAPTER VII.</a></p> + +<p>Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking corn- +-My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious journey-- +Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the damned--Heavenly +hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the woods--At Mr. +Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded by devils-- +Fears and sorrows--No rest.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch8">CHAPTER VIII.</a></p> + +<p>Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch9">CHAPTER IX.</a></p> + +<p>The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the Ditch- +-Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A long +night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The inevitable-- +Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred miles from +home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a school--The lobbies +of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open school--A failure--Return +home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two months of uninterrupted +drinking--Coatless, hatless, and, bootless--The "Blue Goose"--The tremens-- +Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the damned--Walking on crutches-- +Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold +bath--The consequence--Teaching school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of +Daniel Baker and his wife--A paying practice at law.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch10">CHAPTER X.</a></p> + +<p>The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by legislation- +-Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The Indianapolis police-- +The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The coming head-light--A +desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the time"--A struggle in +which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in dew--Hiding from the +officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable sufferings--Advised to +lecture--The time I began to lecture.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch11">CHAPTER XI.</a></p> + +<p>My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At Rushville-- +Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the stage and +am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old coat and +stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make a lecture +tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude of the press-- +The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind criticism--Tattle +mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to commit suicide-- +Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask the sheriff to lock +me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of '74--"Local option."</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch12">CHAPTER XII.</a></p> + +<p>Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no man +should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the Galt House-- +The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in Cincinnati--The +delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick that turned to a +serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to Connersville, Indiana- +-My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and torments--The horrid sights +of a drunkard's madness.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch13">CHAPTER XIII.</a></p> + +<p>Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the "Dare +to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch14">CHAPTER XIV.</a></p> + +<p>At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to hell--Conceive the +idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in +company with Gen. Macauley--Separate from him at Buffalo--I go on to New +York alone--Trading clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey City-- +In the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In court-- +"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At the +residence of Junius Brutus Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go to +Boston--Attend the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home once more-- +Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow which whispered "Go away!"</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch15">CHAPTER XV.</a></p> + +<p>A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My friends +consult with the officers of the institution--I am discharged--Go to +Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings and horrible sufferings--Alcohol- +-The tyrant whom all should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is anything +gained by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It leads to ruin +and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at present--The end.</p> + + +<hr /> + + +<h2>PREFACE</h2> + +<p> +The days of long prefaces are past. It is also too near the end of the +century to indulge in fulsome dedications. I shall, therefore, trouble the +reader with only a brief introduction to this imperfect history of an +imperfect life. The conditions under which I write necessarily make it +lacking in much that would ordinarily have added to its interest. I write +within the Indiana Asylum for the Insane; I have not the means of +information at hand which I should have to make the work what it should be, +and notes which I had taken from time to time, with a view of using them, +have unfortunately been lost. Much of my life is a complete blank to me, as +I have often, very often, alas! gone for days oblivious to every act and +thing, as dead to all about me as the stones of the pavement are dumb. Nor +can I connect a succession of incidents one after the other as they +occurred in the regular course of my life. The reader is asked to be +merciful in his judgment and pardon the imperfections which I fear abound +in the book. The title, "FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL," may, to some, seem +irreverent or profane, but let me assure any such that it is the mildest I +can find which conveys an idea of the facts. Expect nothing ornate or +romantic. The path along which you who walk with me will go is not a +flowery one. Its shadows are those of the cypress and yew; its skies are +curtained with funereal clouds; its beginning is a gloom and its end is a +mad house. But go with me, for you can suffer no harm, and a knowledge of +what you will see may lead you to warn others who are in danger of doing as +I have done. Unless help comes to me from on high, I feel that I am near +the end of my weary and sorrow-laden pilgrimage on earth. You who are in +the light, I speak to you from the shadow; you who suffer, I speak to you +from the depths; you who are dying, perhaps I may speak to you from the +world of the dead; in any case the words herein written are the truth.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch1">CHAPTER I.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow and +gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not do-- +Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder."</p> + +<p> +Truth, said Lord Byron, is stranger than fiction. He was right, for so it +is. Another has declared that if any man should write a faithful history of +his own career, the work would be an interesting one. The question now +arises, does any man dare to be sufficiently candid to write such a work? +Is there no secret baseness he would hide?--no act which, proper to be +told, he would swerve from the truth to tell in his own favor? Undoubtedly, +many. Doubtless it is well that few have the resolution or inclination to +chronicle their faults and failings. How many, too, would shrink from +making a public display of their miserable experiences for fear of being +accused of glorying in their past shame, or of parading a pride that apes +humility. I pretend to no talent, but if a too true story of suffering may +interest, and at the same time alarm, I can promise matter enough, and +unembellished, too, for no embellishment is needed, as all my sketches are +from the life. The incidents will not be found to be consecutive, but set +down as certain scenes occur to my recollection--heedless of order, style, +or system. Each is a record of shame, suffering, destitution and disgrace. +I have all my life stood without and gazed longingly through gateways which +relentlessly barred me from the light and warmth and glory, which, though +never for me, was shining beyond. From the day that consciousness came to +me in this world I have been miserable. In early childhood I swam, as it +were, in a dark sea of sorrow whose sad waves forever beat over me with a +prophetic wail of desolations and storms to come. During the years of +boyhood, when others were thoughtless and full of joy, the sun's rays were +hidden from my sight and I groped hopelessly forward, praying in vain for +an end of misery. Out of such a boyhood there came--as what else could +come?--a manhood all imperfect, clothed with gloom, haunted by horror, and +familiar with undefinable terrors which have weighed upon my heart until I +have cried to myself that it would break--until I have almost prayed that +it would break and thereby free me from the bondage of my pitiless master, +Woe! To-day walled within a prison for madmen, looking from a window whose +grating is iron, the sole occupant of a room as blank as the leaf of +happiness is to me, I abandon every hope. On this side the silence which we +call death--that silence which inhabits the dismal grave, there is for me +only sorrow and agony keener than has ever before made gray and old before +its time the heart of man. Thirty years! and what are they?--what have they +been? Patience, and as best I can, I will unfold their record. Thirty +years! and I feel that the weight of a world's wretchedness has lain upon +me for thrice their number of terrible days! Every effort of my life has +been a failure. Surely and steadily the hand of misfortune has crushed me +until I have looked forward to my bier as a blessed bed of repose--rest +from weariness--forgetfulness of remorse--escape from misery. At the dawn +of life, ay, in its very beginning, there came to me a bitter, deadly, +unmerciful enemy, accompanied in those days by song and laughter--an enemy +that was swift in getting me in his power, and who, when I was once +securely his victim, turned all laughter into wailing, and all songs into +sobbing, and pressed to my bloated lips his poisonous chalice which I have +ever found full of the stinging adders of hell and death. Too well do I +know what it is to feel the burning and jagged links of the devil's chain +cutting through my quivering flesh to the shrinking bone--to feel my nerves +tremble with agony, and my brain burn as if bathed in liquids of fire--too +well, I say, do I know what these things are, for I have felt them +intensified again and again, ten thousand times. The infinite God alone +knows the deep abyss of my sorrow, and help, if help be possible, can come +from him alone.</p> + +<p>I shall not attempt in these pages any learned disquisition upon the nature +of alcohol--its hideous effects on the system--how it disarranges all the +functions of the body--how it impairs health--blots out memory, dethrones +reason, and destroys the very soul itself--how it gives to the whole body +an unnatural and unhealthy action, crucifying the flesh, blood, bones and +marrow--how it paints hell in the mind and torture on the heart, and +strangles hope with despair.</p> + +<p>Nor shall I discuss the terrible and overshadowing evils, financial and +social, inflicted by it on every class of society. Like the trail of the +serpent it is over all. Look where you will, turn where you may, you can +not be blind to its evils. It despoils manhood of all that makes manhood +desirable; it plucks hope from the breast of the weeping wife with a hand +of ice; it robs the orphan of his bread crumb, and says to the gates of +penitentiaries, "Open wide and often to the criminals who became my slaves +before they committed crime." The evils of which I speak are not unknown to +you, but have you considered them as things real? Have you fought them as +present and near dangers? You have heard the wild sounds of drunken revelry +mingling with the night winds; you have heard the shrieks and sobs, and +seen the streaming, sunken eyes of dying women; you have heard the +unprotected and unfriended orphans' cry echoed from a thousand blighted +homes and squalid tenements; you have seen the outcast family of the +inebriate wandering houseless upon the highways, or shivering on the +streets; you have shuddered at the sound of the maniac's scream upon the +burdened air; you have beheld the human form divine despoiled of every +humanizing attribute, transformed from an angel into a devil; you have seen +virtue crushed by vice; the bright eye lose its lustre, the lips their +power of articulation; you have seen what was clean become foul, what was +upright become crooked, what was high become low--man, first in the order +of created things, sunken to a level with brute beasts; and after all these +you have or may have said to yourself, "All this is the work of the +terrible demon, alcohol."</p> + +<p>I shall not attempt to paint any of the countless scenes of degradation, +and horror, and misery, which this demon has caused to be enacted. I shall +leave without comment the endless train of crimes and vices, the beggary +and devastation following the course of this foul Titan devil of ruin and +damnation. I shall only endeavor to give a plain, truthful history of one +who has felt every pang, every sorrow, every agony, every shame, every +remorse, that the demon of drunkenness can inflict. I have nothing to thank +this demon for, beyond a few fleeting--oh, how fleeting--hours of false +delight. He has wrought only woe and loss to me. Even now, as I sit here in +the stillness of desperation, afraid of I know not what, trembling with a +strange dread of some impending doom, gazing in fright backward along the +shores of the years whereon I see the wrecks of a thousand hopes, the +destruction of every noble aspiration, the ruin of every noble resolve, I +cry aloud against the utterness of the destroyer. My life has indeed been a +sad one; so sad, so lonely, that no language in my power of utterance can +give to the reader a full conception of its moonless darkness. Would that +the magic pen of a De Quincey were mine that my miseries might stand out +until strong-hearted men and true-hearted women would weep, and every young +man and maiden also would tremble and turn from everything intoxicating as +from the oblivion of eternal death.</p> + +<p>To many, certain events which I shall relate in this history may seem +incredible; some of the escapes may seem improbable; but again let me +assure you that there shall not be one word of exaggeration. The incidents +took place just as I shall state them. I have passed through not only all +that you will find recorded in these pages, but ten thousand times more. As +I lift the dark veil and look back through the black, unlighted past, I +shudder and hold my breath as scene after scene, each more appalling than +the one just before it, rises like the phantom line of Banquo's issue, +defining itself with pitiless distinctness upon my seared eyeballs, until +the last and most awful of all stands tall and black by my side, and +whispers, hisses, shrieks Madness in my ears. I bow my head and find a +moment's relief from the anguish of soul in the hot scalding tears which +stream down my fevered cheeks. O God of sure mercy, save other young men +from the dark and desolate tortures which gnaw at my heart, and press down +upon my weary soul! They are all, all, all the work of alcohol. Oh, how +true it is--how true few can understand until their lives are a burden of +distress and agony to them--that the cup which inebriates stingeth like an +adder. When you see it, turn from it as from a viper. Say to yourself as +you turn to fly, "It stingeth like an adder!"</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch2">CHAPTER II.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Birth, parentage, and early education--Early childhood--Early events-- +Memory of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy life-- +Breaking colts for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much to do +in the matter of drink--The author to blame for his misspent life-- +Inheritances--The excellences of my father and mother--The road to ruin not +wilfully trodden--The people's indifference to a great danger--My +associates--What became of them--The customs of twenty years ago--What +might have been.</p> + +<p> +As to my birth, parentage and education, I am the last but one of a family +of nine children, seven of whom were boys, and all of whom, excepting one +brother, are now living. Both brothers and sisters are, without an +exception, sober, industrious and honest. I was born in Rush county, +Indiana, on the 9th day of September, 1847.</p> + +<p>If there is one spot in all the black waste of desolation about which I +cling with fond memory it is in my early childhood, and there is no part of +my life that is so fresh and vivid as that embraced in those first early +years. I can remember distinctly events which transpired when I was but two +years old, while I have forgotten thousands of incidents which have +occurred within the past two years. While it is true that in early +childhood a dark shadow fell athwart my pathway, making everything sombre +and painful with an impression of desolation, yet was my condition happy in +comparison with the rayless and pitchy blackness which subsequently folded +its curtains close about my very being, seeming to make respiration +impossible at times and life a nightmare of mockery. Seeming, do I say? +Nay, it did, for nothing can be more real than our feelings, no matter how +falsely they may be created. The agony of a dream is as keen while it lasts +as any other--more so, because there is a helplessness about it which makes +it harder to resist.</p> + +<p>Many times, lying in my bed after a disgraceful debauch of days' or weeks' +duration, has my memory winged its way through the realms of darkness in +the mournful and lonesome past, back through years of horror and suffering +to the green and holy morning of life, as it at this moment seems to me, +and rested for an instant on some quiet hour in that dawn which broke +tempestuously, heralding the storms which would later gather and break +about me. At such times I could distinctly remember the names and features +of all the persons who dwelt in the vicinity of my father's house, although +many of them died long ago or passed away from the neighborhood. I could at +this time repeat word for word conversations which took place twenty-five +years ago. I do not so much attribute this to a retentive memory as to the +habit I have had of thinking, when my mind was in a condition to think, of +all that was a part of my early life. Again and again, as the years gather +up around me, and the valley of life deepens its shadows toward the tomb, +do I go back in memory to the days that were. Again and again do I awaken +to the beauty, the love, the faces and friends of those days. They are all +dear and sacred to me now, though I know they can come no more, and that +the hollow spaces of time between the Here and There--the Now and Then-- +will reverberate forever with the echoes of many-voiced sorrows. Could +those who meet me look down into the depths of my ghastly and bitter +desolation, they would behold more appalling pictures of human agony than +ever mortal eye gazed upon since the opening of the day of time--since the +roses of Eden first bloomed and knew not the blight so soon to darken the +earthly paradise by the rivers of the east. But I wander from my subject.</p> + +<p>I lived and worked on my father's farm until I was eighteen years of age. +As I have already said, even when a child I found myself sad and much +depressed at times. I could not bear the society of my companions, and at +such times would wander away alone to meditate and brood over my misery. At +the very threshold of life I was dissatisfied and discontented with my +surroundings. I was ever anxious and uneasy, ever longing for some +undefinable, unnamable something--I knew not what, but, O God, I knew the +desolation of feeling which was then mine. The sorrow of the grave is +lighter than that. My life has always been an active one--restless, uneasy, +and full of action, I naturally wanted to be doing something or going +somewhere. From the time I was seven years old up to the time I was fifteen +there was not a calf or colt on the farm that was not thoroughly broken to +work or to be ridden. In this work or pastime of breaking in calves and +colts I received sundry kicks, wounds, and bruises quite often, and still +upon my person are some of the marks imprinted by untamed animals. I only +speak of these things that the reader may know the character of my +temperament, and thus be enabled to judge more correctly of it when +influenced and excited by stimulants which will arouse to rash actions the +dullest organizations. I was invariably the last one to go to bed when +night came, but not the last to rise, for I always bounded out of bed ahead +of the others; and in this connection I can assert with truth that for over +twenty years I have not averaged over five hours of sleep out of every +twenty-four during that time. I have never found in all nature one object +or occupation that gave me more than a swiftly passing gleam of contentment +or pleasure. That the reader may clearly comprehend my present condition +and impartially judge as to my culpability in certain of my acts, I desire +that he may know the circumstances and surroundings of my childhood, for I +do solemnly aver that my sorrows and miseries were not of my own planting +in those days. While I believe that some men will be drunkards in spite of +almost everything that can be done for their relief, others there are, no +matter how surrounded, who never will be drunkards, but solely because they +abstain from ever tasting the insidious poison. Temperament has much to do +with the matter of drink, and could it be known and properly guarded +against, I believe that a majority of those having the strongest +predisposition to drink, if steps were taken in time, could be saved from +its inevitable end, which is madness and death. I would here say to parents +that it is their solemn duty to study well the disposition and temperament +of their children from the hour of their birth. By proper training and +restraint, all wrong impulses might be corrected and the child saved from a +life of shameful misery, while they would themselves escape the sorrow +which would come to them because of the wrong-doing of the child. While no +person is particularly to blame for my misspent life, yet I can clearly see +to-day how its worse than wasted years might have been years of use and +honor. Its every step might have been planted with actions the memory of +which would have been a blessing instead of a remorse.</p> + +<p>I have no recollection of a time when I had not an appetite for liquor. My +parents and friends of course knew that if it was taken in excess it would +lead to destruction, but in our quiet neighborhood, where little was known +of its excesses, no one dreamed of the fearful curse which slumbered in it +for me to awake. Had they had the least dread, fear, or anticipation of it +they would have left nothing undone that being done might have saved me. My +appetite for it was born with me, and was as much a part of myself as the +air I breathed. There are three kinds of inheritances, some of money and +lands, some of superior or great talents, and others of misfortunes. For +myself this misfortune was my inheritance. It came not to me directly from +my father or mother, but from my mother's father, and seemed to lie waiting +for me for three or four generations, and the mistakes and passion of long +dead great grandparents reappeared in me, thus fulfilling, with terrible +truth, the words of the divine book. It has been gathering strength until +when it broke forth its force has become wide-sweeping, irresistible and +rushing--a consuming power, devouring and sweeping away whatever dares to +arrest its onward progress. Never, never, in those long gone and innocent +years of my childhood did my father or mother dream that I, their much- +loved child, would ever become a drunkard. If there is anything good, +manly, noble or true, that is a part of me, I am indebted to them for it. +They loved me, and I worshiped them. The consciousness that I have caused +them to suffer so much has been the keenest sorrow of my life. My mother +(blessed be the name!) is now in heaven. When she died the light went out +from my soul. A pang more poignant than any known before pierced me through +and through. My father is living still, and I verily believe there is not a +son on earth who more truly and devotedly honors and loves his father than +I mine. But I desire to show that I am not wholly responsible for my +present unhappy condition. It is natural for every man to wish to excuse, +or at least try to soften the lines of his mistakes with palliating +reasons, and this I think right so long as the truth is adhered to, and +injustice is not done any one. I hope no one will think that I have +willfully trod the road to ruin, or sunk myself so low when I have desired +the opposite with my whole heart. I was a victim of the fell spirit of +alcohol before I realized it. I was raised in a place where opportunities +to drink were numerous, as everybody in those days kept liquor, and to +drink was not the dangerous and disgraceful thing it's now considered to +be. For a radius often miles from our house more people kept whisky in +their cupboards or cellars than were without it. I never heard a temperance +lecturer until I was twenty years of age, and but seldom heard of one. The +people were asleep while a great danger was gathering in the land--a danger +which is now known and seen, and which is so vast in its magnitude that the +combined strength of all who love peace, order, sobriety and happiness, is +scarcely sufficient to meet it in victorious combat.</p> + +<p>What associates I had in those days were among men rather than boys, and +the men I went with drank. They gave whisky to me and I drank it, and +whether they gave it or not, I wanted it. Some of those who gave me drinks +are no longer among the living, but neither of them nor of the living would +I speak unkindly, nor call up in the memory of one who may read this book a +thought that might excite a pang; but I would ask any such just to go back +ten, fifteen, and twenty years, and tell me where, are some of the wealthy, +influential men of that time? In the silence of the winding-sheet! How many +of them have hastened to death through the agency of whisky? And how few +suspected that slowly but surely they were poisoning the wellsprings of +life? How many are bankrupts now that might yet be in possession of +unincumbered farms, the possessors of peaceful homes, but for that thief +accursed--Liquor! Look, too, at some of the sons of these men, and say what +you see, for you behold lives wrecked and wretched. Need I tell you what +has wrought all this ruin? Need I say that intemperance is at the bottom of +it?</p> + +<p>The country where I lived in youth and boyhood was equal, if not superior, +to any surrounding it. My father's neighbors were all kind-hearted, +generous people, and some of them--many of them, indeed--were good +Christians, and yet I repeat that twenty years ago there was not a place of +a mile in extent but presented the opportunity for drinking. In every +little town and village whisky was kept in public and private houses. There +was, and yet is, near my father's farm two very small but ancient towns, +containing each some twenty or thirty houses, and both of these places have +been cursed with saloons in which liquor has been sold for the last thirty +years. Both of these towns were favorite resorts with me, especially the +one called Raleigh. I have been drunk oftener and longer at a time in +Raleigh than in any one place in Indiana. I have written thus of my +birthplace and surroundings, that the reader may know the temptations that +encompassed me about, and not to speak against any place or people. The +country in my father's neighborhood is peopled at this time with noble men +and women--prosperous, noted for kindness, generosity, and unpretending +virtue. I think if I had been raised where liquor was unknown, and had been +taught in early childhood the ruin which follows drinking--if I had had +this impressed on my mind, I would have grown up a sober and happy man, +notwithstanding my inherited appetite. I would have been a sober man, +instead of traversing step by step the downward road of dissipation. I am +easily impressed, and in early life might have been taught such lessons as +would forever have turned my feet from the wrong and desolation in which +they have stumbled so often--in which they have walked so swiftly. Instead +of dwelling with shadows of realities the most terrible, and brooding in +the cell of a maniac, I might have now communed with the pure and noble of +earth.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch3">CHAPTER III.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and silent +breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves and +promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for liquor-- +The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power of +appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement.</p> + +<p> +When I first started to school, log school houses were not yet things of +the past, and well do I remember the one which stood near the little stream +known as Hood's creek, and Sam Munger, from whom I first received +instruction. The next school I attended was in a log house near where +Ammon's mill now stands. I attended one or two summer terms at each of +these places. There is nothing remarkable connected with my early school- +days. They glided onward rapidly enough, but I saw and felt differently, it +seemed to me, from those around me; but this may be the experience of +others, only I think the melancholy, the fear, the unhappiness which hung +over me were not as marked in any one else. I studied but little, because +of my discontented and uneasy feeling, but I kept up with my lessons, and +have yet one or two prizes bestowed on me twenty years ago for being at the +head of my class the greater number of times.</p> + +<p>I recollect with painful clearness the first drink of liquor that ever +passed my lips. It has been more than twenty-four years since then, but my +memory calls it up as if it were only yesterday, with all the circumstances +under which I took it. It was in the time of threshing wheat, and then, as +in harvesting, log-rolling, and everything that required the cooperation of +neighbors, whisky was always more or less used. I was little more than six +years of age. A bottle containing liquor was set in the shadow of some +sheaves of wheat which stood near a wagon, and taking it I crawled under +the wagon with a neighbor now living in Raleigh. We began drinking from +this bottle and did not stop until we were both pitiably drunk. The boy who +took that first drink with me has since had some experience with the +effects of alcohol, but at this time he is bravely fighting the good battle +of sobriety and may God always give him the victory. I never could taste +liquor without getting drunk. When one drop passed my lips I became wild +for another, and another, until my sole thought was how to get enough to +satisfy the unquenchable thirst. To-day if I were to dip the point of a +needle into whisky and then touch my tongue with that needle, I would be +unable to resist the burning desire to drink which that infinitesimal atom +would awaken. I would get drunk if hell burst up out of the earth around +me--yes, if I could look down into the flames and see men whose eye-brows +were burnt off, and whose every hair was a burning, blazing, coiling, +hissing snake from their having used the deadly liquid. And if each of +these countless fiery snakes had a tongue of forked fire and could be heard +to scream for miles, and I knew that another drop would cause them to lick +my quivering flesh, yet would I take it. O horror of horrors! I would +plunge into the flames forever and ever. After I once taste I am powerless +to resist. When I was ten years of age I went one Sunday with a neighbor +boy several years older than I, riding on horseback. The course we took was +a favorite one with me for it led toward Raleigh, just north of which place +I contrived to get a pint or more of the poison called whisky. The doctor +from whom I got it had, of course, no idea that I was going to drink it, +especially all of it, but drink it I did, getting so completely under its +horrible influence that when I arrived at home I fell senseless against the +door. My father and mother heard me fall and came out and took me into the +house, and just as soon as the heat of the fire began to affect me, I sank +into a dead stupor; all consciousness was gone; all feeling was destroyed; +all intelligence was obliterated. I lay upon my bed that night wholly +oblivious to everything, knowing not, indeed, that such a creature as +myself ever existed. The morning came at last, and with it I opened my +eyes. Describe who can the thoughts which rushed through my distracted +brain. For a little while I knew not where I was or what I had done. My +head was throbbing, aching, bursting. I glanced about me and on either side +of my bed my father and mother knelt in prayer! Then did I remember what +had befallen me, and so keen was my remorse that I thought I would surely +die, and, in fact, I wanted to die. O, much loved parents--father on earth +and mother in heaven--how often since then have I felt anew the shame of +that terrible hour--how often have I seen your sacred faces, wet with the +tears of that trial, come before me, looking imploringly heavenward as if +beseeching for me the mercy of the infinite God!</p> + +<p>That morning the family gathered about the breakfast table, but what a +shadow rested over all. A solemnity of silent sorrow was upon us. The peace +of yesterday had flown with my return home, and the dark misery of my soul +tinged with the shade of the grave's desolation the clouds which were +gathering in our sky. O, how often have I prayed that the time might be +given back, and that it might be in my power to resist the curse; but the +past is implacable as death, and I must bear the tortures that belong to +the memory of that most unhappy day. That day, and for many succeeding +ones, I read an anguish in the saintly face of my mother that I had never +seen there before. My father also bore about with him a look of deep +suffering which haunted me for years. For one day I suffered intensely both +mentally and physically, but being of a strong, vigorous, and healthy +constitution, I was almost completely restored by the following morning. Of +course I resolved and promised my father and mother that I would never +again taste liquor. For some time I faithfully kept my promise, and for +weeks the very thought of liquor was revolting to me. No one becomes a +drunkard in a day or week. Alcohol is a subtle poison, and it takes a long +time for it to so undermine man's system that he finds life almost +intolerable unless stimulated by the hell-broth which must surely destroy +him in the end, unless he closes his lips like a vise against it. But for +me, I never could drink, from my childhood, without coming under the +influence of the accursed poison. I never drank because I liked the taste +of liquor, but because I liked the first effects of it. I was never able to +tell good liquor or rather pure alcohol--for such a thing as good liquor +has never been made--from the worst, the meanest, manufactured from drugs. +The latter may be more speedy than pure alcohol, but either will destroy +with fatal certainty and rapidity. I drank, as I have said, for the +effects, and in the first years of my drinking my first emotions were +pleasurable. It sent the blood rushing to the brain, and induced a +succession of vivid and pleasing thoughts. But invariably the depression +that followed was in the same ratio down as the former was up, and after a +time I lost that first pleasant, unnatural feeling, and drank only to +satisfy an indescribable passion or craving. At first the wine glass may +sparkle and foam, but let it never be forgotten that within that sparkle +and foam is concealed the glittering eye of the uncoiled adder. It is the +sparkle of a serpent's skin, the foam of the froth of death. Here I must +confess that for the past five or six years I have not been able to attain +one moment's pleasure from drinking. Every glass that I have touched has +proven to be the Dead Sea's fruit of ashes to my lips. I drank wildly, +insanely, and became oblivious for days and weeks together to all which was +about me, and finally awoke to the horrors which I had sought to drown, but +now intensified a thousand fold. No man ever buried sorrow in drunkenness. +He can not bury it that way any more than Eugene Aram could bury the body +of his victim with the weeds of the morass. Whoever seeks solace in whisky +will curse the hour which saw him commit a mistake so fatal. Woe to him who +looks for comfort in the intoxicating glass. He will see instead the +ghastly face of murdered hope, the distorted vision of a wasted life, his +own bloated corpse. The habit of drink after a time becomes more than a +mere habit; the system comes to demand and crave liquor, it permeates and +affects every part of the body until every function refuses to perform its +part until it has been aroused to action by its accustomed stimulant.</p> + +<p>The most hopeless and wretched slave on earth is he who has bound himself +with the fetters of alcohol, and it is a sad and lamentable truth that +among thousands very few ever escape from the soul-destroying, health- +ruining bondage of an appetite for intoxicating drink. There is only one +here and there of all the hosts that are enchained and cursed who succeeds +in breaking the bonds which bind body, soul and spirit. So far as the +prospect of success is concerned in winning men from evil, I would say, let +me go to the brazen-faced and foul-mouthed blasphemer of the holy Master's +name; let me go to the forger, who for long years has been using satanic +cunning to defraud his fellow-men; let me go to the murderer, who lies in +the shadow of the gallows, with red hands dripping with the blood of +innocence; but send me not to the lost human shape whose spirit is on fire, +and whose flesh is steaming and burning with the flames of hell. And why? +Because his will is enthralled in the direst bondage conceivable--his +manhood is in the dust, and a demon sits in the chariot of his soul, +lashing the fiery steeds of passion to maniacal madness. No possible motive +or combination of motives can be urged upon him which will stand a moment +before the infernal clamorings of his appetite. Wife, children, home, +relatives, reputation, honor, and the hope and prospect of heaven itself, +all flee before this fell destroyer. The sufferings and agonies untold of +one human soul securely bound by the chains forged by rum are enough to +make angels weep and devils laugh. I have no desire to discourage those who +have this habit fastened on them. I would not say to them: You can not +break away from it. I would do all in my power to aid and strengthen every +such person in any attempt he might make to be free. There is escape, but +courage is required to make it, and greater courage than has ever been +exhibited on the field of battle, amid the thunders of cannon, the roar of +deadly conflict, the gleam of sabre and glitter of bayonet. But rather than +die the drunkard's death, and go to the drunkard's eternal doom, every +drunkard can afford to make this fight. It were better, ten thousand times, +that every such one should do as I have done--voluntarily go to an asylum +and be restrained until he so far recovers that he can of his own will +resist temptation. And there is another aid--a strength stronger than our +own--God! He will help every unfortunate one that goes to him in sincerity +and humbly implores the divine aid.</p> + +<p>I desire here to make a statement in justice to myself. There are three +laws, the human, the natural and the divine. You may violate a human law, +and the judge, if he sees fit, may pardon your offense. If you violate the +divine law, God has prepared a way of escape, and promises pardon on +conditions within the reach of all, but for a violation of that which I +call natural law, there is no forgiveness. The penalty for every such +violation must be, and is, fully paid every time, and while natural laws +are as much a part of God's creation as the divine, he would no more set +aside a penalty for a violation of one of nature's laws than he would blot +out a part of his written word. Yet there are recuperative powers and +forces in nature that are wonderful, and there is a spiritual strength that +helps us to bear, and overcome, and endure every affliction. I was made a +new creature in Christ Jesus at Jeffersonville, Indiana, on the 21st of +last January, and had I then gone to work to recuperate and restore by all +natural means, my broken body, I am most certain that I never again would +have tasted liquor; but instead of using the means God had placed about me, +in the supreme ecstacy which comes to a redeemed, a new-born soul, I went +to work ten times more laboriously than ever, and soon completely exhausted +my bodily strength. My system was drained of every particle of its power to +resist the slightest attack of any kind whatsoever, much less to make a +successful struggle against my great enemy, and so, physically and mentally +exhausted when I was assailed by the black, foul fiend of alcohol, I fell, +and fell a second time. I resolved, yea, took an oath the most solemn, that +rather than again be overtaken by a disaster so dire, I would have myself +entombed within an asylum for the insane. Here at last, I was placed, and +here I intend to remain until nature shall restore to my body sufficient +strength to resist, with God's help, the next and every attack of my enemy. +As God is my witness, I had rather remain within these walls and listen to +the cries of the worst maniac here, from day to day, until the last hour of +my life--yes, and die and be buried here in the pauper's graveyard, than +ever again go out and drink. And now as I close this chapter with a full +heart, I go down on my knees in supplication to God for strength and grace +to keep me from that which has wrecked all my life and made it a continued +round of sorrow and shame. I ask every one who reads this chapter, to pray +to God for me with all your heart and soul. Oh! men and women, pray for +wretched, miserable, sorrowing, suffering, lonely me.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch4">CHAPTER IV.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive to +Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting a cigar-- +A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and what befell us +while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in a crib--Getting awake-- +The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna jug--Another debauch--The +exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting to college at Cincinnati-- +My companions--The destruction wrought by alcohol--Dr. Johnson's +declaration concerning the indulgence of this vice--A warning--A dangerous +fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. +Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous idea--Temperance the best aid to thought.</p> + +<p> +At the age of sixteen I started to school at Fairview, then as now, an +insignificant but pretty village, some four miles from where my father +lived. William M. Thrasher, at this time Professor of Mathematics in the +Butler University, at Irvington, near Indianapolis, was the teacher in +charge of that school, and it is to him that I am under obligations for +about all the "book learning" that I possess. True, I went to college after +that, but I merely skimmed over the studies there assigned me. While at +school at Fairview I improved every opportunity to drink. A fatal instinct +guided me to the rum shop. It was during the first winter of my attendance +at the Fairview school that I was guilty of my first debauch. A young man +from Connersville came over to attend school, and I would remark in passing +that his father was chiefly interested in sending him to Fairview because +he thought that his boy would here be out of temptation. He arrived at noon +one day, and we were immediately made acquainted with each other, an +acquaintance which ripened into friendship on the spot. The roads were in +good condition for sleighing, and the next morning I proposed a ride. He +gladly accepted my invitation, and together we drove to Falmouth. At +Falmouth we each took a drink, and this fired us with a desire for more. We +drove to a house not far away where liquor was kept by the barrel, and +tried to get some, but failed--for we waited and waited to be invited in +vain--for no invitation was extended to us. Disappointed and half crazy for +whisky, we left the house and started on further in pursuit of the curse. +After driving about eight miles we halted at a place called Smelser's +Mills, where we were supplied with a bottle of Hostetter's Bitters, which +we drank without delay, and which was strong enough to make us reasonably +drunk, but which, nevertheless, did not come up to our ideas of what liquor +should be. My experience has been that about the worst and cheapest whisky +ever sold is that sold under the name of "bitters," and it costs more than +the best in the market. Excuse the word "best," but certain parts of +Dante's hell are good by comparison. I say to all and every one, shun every +drink that intoxicates, and shun nothing quicker than the patent medicines +which contain liquor, and while you are about it, shun patent medicines +which do not contain liquor. The chances are that they contain a deadlier +poison called opium. At any rate they seldom cure and often kill.</p> + +<p>After drinking our bottle of poisonous slop--that is, Hostetter's Bitters-- +my friend and I began to boast, and each labored hard to impress the other +with his greatness. In order to make the proper impression, we agreed that +it was highly important that we should demonstrate the large quantity we +could drink and still be reasonably sober. I knew of a place a few miles +further on--a place called Hittle's--where I felt sure I could get whisky +without an immediate outlay of cash, a consideration of importance since +neither I nor my friend had a penny. We went to Hittle's, and there I was +successful in an attempt to get a quart of whisky, which we at once +proceeded to mix with the Hostetter article already burning up the lining +of our stomachs. The effect was not long in appearing, for in a little +while we were both very drunk, and I in particular was in the condition +best described as howling, crazy drunk. We stopped at a house to light our +cigars--for of course we both smoked and chewed tobacco--and as my friend +did not feel like getting out, I reeled into the kitchen and picked up a +shovelful of coals, which I lifted so near my mouth that I scorched my hair +and burnt my face, and, worse than all, singed the faint suggestion of a +mustache that was visible by the aid of a microscope, on my upper lip. +While I was engaged in lighting my cigar, a large dog--a tall, lean, much- +ribbed, lank and hungry-looking hound--went out to the sleigh, and my +friend induced him to accept passage with us; so when I got back to my seat +it was proposed that the hound should accompany us. I have often wondered +since if he was not heartily ashamed of being seen in our company that day; +but we made a martyr of him all the same.</p> + +<p>We drove off with a succession of whoops and yells, and carried the hound +in front. Our first halt was at Falmouth, where we ordered oysters. The +room in which we sat at table was quite small, and a large stove whose +sides were red with heat made it uncomfortably hot--especially for us who +were already in a sultry state. I had not sat at the table a minute when I +fell from my chair against the stove. My leg struck a hinge of the door, +and as my friend was too much overcome to realize my condition, I lay there +until the hinge burnt a hole through the leg of my pantaloons and then into +the flesh. I carry a scar to-day in memory of that time, and the scar is +about three inches long. The burn was over half an inch in depth. God only +knows what might have been the final result had not assistance soon come in +the person of the owner of the house. He called for help, and as soon as it +arrived we were placed in our sleigh, and by a kind of instinct drove to +Fairview. It was dark by the time we got into Fairview, but we contrived to +get our horse within the stable and that unfortunate hound into a corn- +crib, in which durance he howled so vigorously that the wild winds which +whistled and shrieked around the barn could not be heard for him. His +complaining lasted all night, and I do not think any one within a mile of +the crib slept that night, my friend and myself excepted. Ay, we slept-- +slept as I have so often slept since--a slumber as deep and oblivious as +death--a drunken sleep, from which we awoke to suffer hell's tortures so +justly merited by our conduct. I awoke with a throbbing, aching heart, but +by slow degrees did I become conscious that I had been somewhere in a +sleigh and done something either very desperate or very foolish, or both. +At first my mind was so muddled, so beclouded with the fumes of the +infernal "bitters" and whisky that I thought I had burned a city. While I +was trying to solve the mystery of my course, I was aided by a revelation +so sudden that it startled me, for the owner of the hound came galloping up +and fiercely demanded to know where his dog was. He rated us severely-- +accused us of stealing the animal, and threatened to prosecute us then and +there. I knew what we had done. In the meantime some one opened the door of +the crib and turned out the hound. He must have recognized the voice of his +master, for he joined the latter in his howling, and between them they gave +us good reason to wish that our ambition to keep that dog's company had +been in vain. The dog was more easily pacified than the man, but finally on +our offering to give him three plugs of tobacco to hush up the affair, he +became quiet and smoothed the ragged front of his anger. On adding a cigar +or two to the plugs, he brightened up and said we might have the "darned +houn'" any how, if we wanted him. But we had had enough of his society and +were willing to part from him without further expense.</p> + +<p>I don't think, seriously speaking, that I ever suffered more keenly from +the stings of remorse and fear than I did for one week after this debauch. +The remarkable part of it to me was our determination to take the dog. All +my life I have disliked dogs--dogs in general and hounds in particular. I +resolved never to drink again, and for some time kept the resolution.</p> + +<p>A few weeks following this "spree" there was an exhibition at the school +house, and several of the larger boys--myself among the number--assembled +themselves together, and, after a consultation, decided that, in order to +make the exhibition a success, there should be a limited amount of whisky +secured for our special use. We took up a collection, each contributing a +few cents, and two of the largest, tallest, and stoutest boys were +dispatched to Vienna, a small village three miles distant, to get it. A +vision of hounds passed before me, but the desire to get a drink drove them +yelping out of memory. The boys, on reaching Vienna, bargained for three +gallons of liquor, and brought it to our general headquarters. It was +wretched stuff--the vilest, meanest, rottenest poison that ever went under +the name of whisky. The boys who got it had carried it the three miles by +passing a stick through the handle of the jug. They got drunk on the way +back with it, and one of them fell into a branch, dragging the jug and the +other boy after him. Unfortunately the jug was not broken, and fortunately +the boys were not seriously hurt. It was a little after dark when they +stumbled across the meeting house yard to where we awaited them. The +following day we attacked the contents of the jug, and before midnight we +were all drunk--some rather moderately drunk, some very drunk, and some +dead drunk, as the phrase is. I myself was of the number that were dead +drunk. Some of the boys kept sober enough to fight, but I never would +fight, drunk or sober. I do not think I am a coward as regards personal +courage, and I really think the fear of hurting others restrained me from +ever mixing in brawls in those days.</p> + +<p>As the night wore away two or three of the boys became sober enough to hide +the jug, which they concealed in a corn-shock. These dragged the rest of us +to bed, although one of the party woke up in the wood-box with his head +downward and his feet dangling over the top of the box. Only those who have +been so unfortunate as to be in a similar condition can realize our state +of mental and physical feeling. Parched lips, scalded tongues, cracked +throats, throbbing temples, and burning shame were indisputably ours. So we +awoke on the morning of the day set apart for the exhibition, an exhibition +in which we were to appear before our respected teacher, friends and +relatives, besides all the people of the surrounding country. Early in the +day we commenced to get ready for the afternoon's work by resorting to the +same jug that so recently had bereft us temporarily of reason, and laid us +in the mud and snow. I only got one big drink of the poison and so +contrived to get through passably well with my part of the performance; +some of the boys got too much, and failed to remember anything, so that +they failed utterly and hid behind the curtains, and, taken all in all, we +did little or nothing toward the success of the exhibition or to making +those interested gratified with our parts. Some of the boys who figured on +the stage that day are dead; but others are alive and of those I am not the +only one writhing in the coils of the serpent of alcohol, though not one of +them has fallen so low as I. If at that time I might have been permitted to +lift the curtain and looked down future-ward through the unlighted years of +shame, and weariness, and suffering, I think the dreadful vision would have +stayed me forever in a career which has only grown darker and more +unendurable with every step. I kept on much in the same way, increasing in +length and frequency my ever recurring debauches, until the end of the +school term.</p> + +<p>I was well nigh twenty years of age, and from this place went to Cincinnati +to attend college. Here the opportunities to gratify my hereditary +appetite, made keen and sharp, and ever keener and sharper by indulgence, +were all about me. My companions were older and further advanced on the +road to ruin than I. My steps were more swift than ever before to tread the +path which leads surely to the everlasting bonfire. I could not fail to +notice while at college that the most brilliant and intellectual--those +whose future prospects were the most pleasing and bright--were the very +ones who most frequently drowned their hopes, and sapped their strength and +energy in alcoholic stimulants. O, vividly do I recall to mind examples of +heaven-bestowed genius, talent, health, and abilities, sacrificed on the +worse than bloody teocalli of this hideous and slimy devil, Intemperance! +How many master minds, instead of progressing sublimely through the broad, +deep, and august channels of thought, became impeded by the meshes and +clogs of intoxication, and were thus worse than prevented from exploring +the regions of immortal truth! How many dallied with the sirens of the wine +cup, until all power to grapple with great subjects was lost irrevocably! +How many are the instances in the world's history of great minds debased +and ruined by alcohol! Look back and around you at the lives of the +brightest literary geniuses and see how many are under the spell of this +Circe's baleful power! Think of the rich intelligences whose brightness has +prematurely faded and died away in the darkness of alcoholic night! What +hopes has alcohol destroyed! What resolves it has broken! What promises it +has blighted! Think of any or of all these things, and hasten to say with +Dr. Johnson that this vice of drink, if long indulged, will render +knowledge useless, wit ridiculous, and genius contemptible. Oh! how many +lost sons of earth, whose lamps of genius blazed only to light their +pathway to the tomb, might have achieved an inheritance of immortal fame +but for this vice, or disease as it may be.</p> + +<p>I write this with a hope that it may be a heeded warning to the +intellectual of earth, not less than the illiterate. The educated man is +more liable to suffer from strong stimulants than the man who is not +educated. Never was there a greater or more dangerous fallacy than that so +often urged, that the thinking functions are assisted by the use of +stimulating liquors or drugs. O, say some, Byron owed a great portion of +his inspiration to gin and water, and that was his Hippocrene. Nonsense! +His highest inspiration came from the beauty of the world and from God. +Lord Brougham, it has been declared, made his most brilliant speeches of +old port. Sheridan, it has been told, delivered some of his most sparkling +speeches when "half seas over." Eugene Sue found his genius in a bottle of +claret; Swinburne in absinthe, and so on. But who shall say what these +great, men lost and will lose in the end by this forcing process? Dr. W.B. +Carpenter, in referring to the supposed uses of alcohol in sustaining the +vital powers, says emphatically that the use of alcoholic stimulants is +dangerous and detrimental to the human mind, but admits that its use in +most persons is attended with a temporary excitation of mental activity, +lighting up the scintillations of genius into a brilliant flame, or +assisting in the prolongation of mental effort when the powers of the +nervous system would be otherwise exhausted. Concede this, and then answer +if it is not on such evidence that the common idea is based that alcohol is +a cause of inspiration, or that it supports the system to the endurance of +unusual mental labor. The idea is as erroneous as the no less prevalent +fallacy that alcoholic stimulants increase the power of physical exertion. +Physiologically the fact is established that the depression of the mental +energy consequent upon the undue excitement of alcoholic stimulants is no +less than the depression of the physical energy following its use. In +either case the added strength and exhilaration are of short duration, and +the depression and loss exceed the increased energy and the gain. The +influence of alcoholic stimulants seems to be chiefly exerted in exciting +to activity the creating and combining powers, such as give rise to the +high imaginations of the poet and the painter. It is not to be wondered at +that men possessing such splendid powers should have recourse to alcoholic +stimulants as a means of procuring often temporary exaltation of these +powers and of escaping from the seasons of depression to which they and +others of less high organizations are subject. Nor is it to be denied that +many of these mental productions which are most strongly marked by the +inspiration of genius, have been thrown off under the inspiration of the +stimulating influences of liquor. But it can not, on the other hand, be +doubted that the depression consequent upon the high degree of mental +excitement is, as already observed, as great as the first in its way--a +depression so great that it sometimes destroys temporarily the power of +effort. Hence it does not follow that the authors of the productions in +question have really been benefited by the use of these stimulants.</p> + +<p>It is the testimony of general experience that where men of genius have +habitually had recourse to alcoholic stimulants for the excitement of their +powers they have died at an early age, as if in consequence of the +premature exhaustion of their nervous energy. Mozart, Burns, Byron, Poe and +Chatterton may be cited as remarkable examples of this result. Hence, +although their light may have burned with a brighter glow, like a +combustible substance in an atmosphere of oxygen, the consumption of +material was more rapid, and though it may have shone with a more sober +lustre without such aid, we can not but believe that it would have been +steadier and less premature without it. We may also doubt that the finest +poems and the finest pictures have been written and painted even by those +in the habit of drinking while they were under the influence of liquor. We +do not usually find that the men most distinguished for a combination of +powers called talent or genius, are disposed to make such use of alcoholic +stimulants for the purpose of augmenting their mental powers, for that +spontaneous activity of mind itself which alcohol has a tendency to excite +is not favorable to the exercise of the observing faculties, which are so +important to the imagination, nor to those of reason, nor to steady +concentration on any given subject, where profound investigation or clear +sight is desirable.</p> + +<p>Of this we have an illustration in the habit of practical gamblers who, +when about to engage in contests requiring the keenest observation and the +most sagacious calculation, and involving an important stake, always keep +themselves cool either by total abstinence from fermented liquors, or by +the use of those of the weakest kind, in very small quantities. We find +that the greatest part of that intellectual labor which has most extended +the domain of thought and human knowledge has been performed by men of +sobriety, many of them having been drinkers of water only. Under this last +category may be ranked Demosthenes, Johnson, Haller, Bacon, Milton, Dante, +etc. Johnson, it is true, was a great tea drinker. Voltaire drank coffee at +times to excess, and occasionally a small quantity of light wine. So, also, +did Fontenelle. Newton solaced himself with the fumes of tobacco. Of Locke, +whose long life was devoted to constant intellectual labor, who appears +independently of his eminence in his special objects of pursuit one of the +best informed men of his time, the following explicit testimony is found by +one who knew him well: His diet was the same as that of other people, +except he usually drank nothing but water, and he thought that his +abstinence in this respect had preserved his life so long, although +naturally his constitution was so weak. In addition to these examples, +which I have quoted at length, I might also mention the case of Cornaro, +the old Italian philosopher, who at the age of thirty-five found himself on +a bed of misery and imminent death through intemperance. He amended his way +of life, and for upwards of four score years after, by a temperate course +of living, lived happily and did all the important work which has placed +his name among the men of great intellectual powers.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch5">CHAPTER V.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer brawls-- +County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white oxen--The +"red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I found myself in +the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching under difficulties--Quiet +again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on a spree"--What a spree means.</p> + +<p> +I left college in the spring of 1866, and returned home to the farm where I +spent the summer and autumn months in a very nervous and discontented +manner. For over four months my mental condition bordered on that of a +maniac, so completely had the use of liquor shattered my nervous system. I +became alarmed at my state, and for a time was deterred from drinking, or, +if I drank at all, the quantity was small. But fresh air and the little +work which I did on the farm, soon restored me. As the summer wore away I +attended pleasure parties, and found, not happiness, but a moment's +forgetfulness among the merry picnic parties in the woods. I had also the +distinguished honor of actually superintending and presiding over two of +these festivities, both of which were held in Horace Elwell's woods, on the +unsung, but classically rustic banks of Tom. Hall's mill-dam, near the +village which bears the historic and great name of Raleigh. I succeeded in +tiding myself through the first picnic without getting drunk. I mean more +particularly that I remained sober during the day--that is, sober enough to +keep it from being known that I had drank more than once or twice; but that +night at the ball at Louisville, I bit the dust, or, to get at the truth +more literally and unrhetorically, I fell down stairs and came within a +point of breaking my neck. Had I been sober the fall would have put an end +then and there to my miserable and worthless existence; but lest any one +should argue from this that after all whisky sometimes saves life, I would +have them bear in mind that if I had been sober the chances are I would not +have fallen.</p> + +<p>The next picnic was sadly interfered with by a violent storm of wind and +rain, which came up the day before the one set apart for it. The water +washed the sawdust which had been sprinkled on the ground for the dancers' +benefit into Hall's fretful mill-race, and thence down into the turbulent +and swollen Flat Rock. This, as well as other creeks, became so high that +it was out of the question to ford them. The boys could get to the grounds +very well, and many of them did get there, but the girls were not of a mind +to risk their lives for a day's doubtful amusement, and so the picnic +failed in the beginning. The young men--myself, of course, in the lot-- +determined to have what was called "fun" at any rate, and to this end they +congregated during the day at Raleigh. Mr. Sam Crawford had an abundant +supply of beer and ale, and I wish to say that if there are any persons so +innocent as to doubt that beer and ale intoxicate they would change from +doubt to faith in the power of these slops to make men drunk, could they +experience or see what took place at Raleigh on that day. They would be +willing to testify in any court that beer will not only intoxicate, but, +taken in sufficient quantities, it will make men beastly drunk and fill +them with a spirit of fiendish cruelty. There were on that day as many as +four fights, with enough miscellaneous howling, cursing and billingsgate to +fill out the natural make-up of a hundred more. I was drunk--so drunk that +I did not know at the last whether my name was Benson or Bennington. I +suppose I would have sworn to the latter, had the question been raised, but +it was not. I did not fight, for, as I have said, I seemed to have an +instinctive dread of doing something terrible in the event of my getting +engaged in combat with another. Like Falstaff, it may be, I was a coward on +instinct. I have always thought, moreover, that the Hudibrastic aphorism is +worthy of practice, because nothing can be more evident than the fact that</p> + +<blockquote> + "—He who runs away <br /> + May live to fight another day." +</blockquote> + +<p>From that time to the commencement of the season for county fairs, five or +six weeks later, I kept in a condition of sobriety. County fairs, I wish to +say, and especially the Rush county fairs, did more toward bringing on the +disastrous career which has been mine--a career which has befouled the +record of my life and marked almost every page of its history--witness this +biography--with blots of shame, discord and unholy suffering than any other +cause of an external character. I was very young when I first commenced to +take stock to the fair to exhibit for premiums. I always went on the first +day, and always remained until the fair came to a close, staying on the +grounds night and day. There was a vagabond element in my nature which +harmonized perfectly with this sort of life. The men with whom I associated +were, in general, of that class who like liquor alone or in company, and +each had his jug of favorite whisky, which was supposed to be a sure +preventive against cold and colds in cold weather, and against heat and +fever in hot weather. If invited to drink the rule was to accept +immediately and return the courtesy as soon as convenient.</p> + +<p>In those days I was the proud possessor of a yoke of white oxen, and I made +it a point to exhibit them at every fair within my reach, for they +invariably won the Red Ribbon, then a mark of the first prize. Alas, that +it did not mean to me what it now does! It meant anything rather than total +abstinence; it was an unfailing sign of drunkenness; it told of shameful +revels, of days of debauchery and nights of misery when not passed in +beastly slumber. That ribbon is now a symbol of holy temperance--it was +then a souvenir of days of disorder and evil-doing.</p> + +<p>During the winter I was engaged to teach a district school, and for three +months managed to keep tolerably sober--that is, I did not get drunk more +than three or four times, and then on Saturday nights and Sundays. One +Sunday--it was the coldest day that winter--I went to Falmouth and visited +a drinking place kept by one McPhillipps. While there I drank eleven +glasses of whisky. At nine o'clock in the evening, I can indistinctly +remember, I mounted my horse and started home, and from that moment until +the next day I knew nothing whatever that took place. From the way I was +bruised and battered I judge that I must have struck almost every fence +corner between McPhillipps' place and home. My legs were in a woful plight, +and having turned black and blue, they were frightful to see. On arriving +at the gate which led into the front yard at home, I fell off my horse and +tumbled to the ground, a wretched heap of helpless clay. I remained on the +ground, lying in the snow, until I froze my hands, feet, and ears. It was +about three o'clock in the morning when I got to the house. So they told +me, for I have no knowledge of going, and, indeed, I remembered nothing +that took place.</p> + +<p>When I came to consciousness I found myself wrapped up in a blanket, lying +in bed, with hot bricks at my feet. I was in the room occupied by father +and mother, and the first object that met my wandering sight was the face +of my mother. The look with which she regarded me will never fade from my +memory. There was in it the sorrow and anguish of death. She rose from her +bed at sight of me, and with streaming eyes and screaming voice called the +family up to bid them good-by; she said she was dying--that I had killed +her. I sprang from my bed in such a horror of terrible suffering, mental +and physical, as never swept over the body and soul of mortal man. I felt +my heart thumping and beating as though it would burst forth from my bosom; +the hot, hissing blood rushed to my aching, fevered brain, and a torrent of +sweat burst forth on my icy forehead. I could not have suffered more +physical agony had a thousand swords been driven through my quivering body, +nor would my miserable soul have been in more insufferable pain had it been +confined in the regions of the damned. It was some time before anything +like quiet was restored, but as soon as it was, some of the family went to +the gate and found my hat and took charge of the horse which I had ridden. +That morning I dragged myself to school with a sad, heavy heart. As my +scholars came in, they seemed to understand that something was the matter +with me, and often during the day their wondering looks were directed +toward me as if they sought some explanation of my appearance. The day was +a long and weary one to me--a day, like many another since then, of most +intense wretchedness. About noon one of my feet became so swollen that it +was necessary for me to take off my boot, and by the time I dismissed +school it had got so bad that I could not draw on my boot, so that I had to +walk home, a distance of one mile, over the frozen ground with nothing to +protect my foot but a woolen sock. On entering the house, my mother burst +into tears at sight of me. I must have been a pitiable object, and yet how +little did I deserve the wealth of priceless sympathy lavished upon me. +That night, and many nights succeeding it, the only way I could get into +bed was to put an old-fashioned chair with rounds in the back, beside the +bed and crawl up round by round until I got on a level with the bed, and +then let go and fall over into the bed.</p> + +<p>It is needless for me to say that I firmly resolved and honestly felt that +I would never again taste the liquor which leads to madness, misery, and +death. For some time I kept my resolution; and would to God that I could +here conclude by saying that I never again allowed a drop of it to pass my +lips. But I am writing an autobiography, and I have told you that I would +not shrink from telling the truth. So it will happen that other and still +more desperate and disgraceful episodes of drunkenness will have to be +recorded.</p> + +<p>In the spring of 1867 I went to Connersville, and began the study of law +with the Hon. John S. Reid. Unfortunately, and I fear designedly, I made my +acquaintances among, and selected my companions from, the most dissolute, +idle, and intemperate class of young men in the town. Connersville then had +and still has among its citizens some very wealthy men, who suffered their +boys to grow up without much care, mostly in idleness. As might be expected +the indifference of the fathers, joined to the natural inclinations of the +sons, has proved the ruin of the latter. I now call to mind several of +those young men who are hopeless and complete wrecks. Idleness and +dissipation have done their terrible work in every case which I call to +mind.</p> + +<p>I read a little law, and drank a great deal of whisky, and as a natural +consequence the time then passing was for the most part worse than lost. Up +to this period the duration of my sprees was not longer than a day and +night. They now were not confined to one day, for when I went out on what +is called a "regular spree," it was liable to be two or three days, as it +has since been two or three weeks, before I got back. Got back! Where from? +The reader knows too well.</p> + +<p>Out on a spree! These are melancholy and heart-breaking words. Out on a +spree! Oh, how much of misery is implied! Out on a spree! Readers, every +one, I hope you will never have it said that you are out on a spree. To go +out on a spree is to throw away strength, without which the battle of life +can not be fought; it is to squander money which you may need badly for the +necessaries of life, which had better be thrown into the fire and burnt up +than spent in such a way; it is to quench the light of ambition, to crush +hope, entomb joy, lay waste the powers of the mind, neglect duty, desert +the family, and commit in the end suicide. Arson may have walked by your +side while out on a spree, red murder may have grinned, dagger in hand, +upon you, and death stalked within your shadow, ready in a thousand ways to +strike you down. Don't go out on sprees. Think of the pity of them, the +wrong, the disgrace, the remorse, the misery. Going on an occasional spree +only will not do. Some men will keep sober for weeks, and even months, but +a birthday, or a wedding, or a national holiday, or a fit of the blues, or +a streak of good luck, starts them off, and habit, like a smouldering +flame, breaks out, and for a time all is over. Such men scotch, but they do +not kill the cobra of intemperance, and soon or late the other result will +follow, the snake will kill them. The reptile is tenacious of life, and so +long as the life remains there is danger from the deadly venom of its +tooth. Those who have never formed the habit of drinking had better die at +once than live to form it. Those who have formed the habit should subdue it +and never enter into a compromise with it. The good effects of months of +abstinence may be swept away in an hour. Open the flood-gates of indulgence +never so little and the torrent will force its way through and drown every +worthy resolution. Its tide is next to resistless. Days of drunkenness +succeed, months of self-denial are lost, and deplorable results follow +everywhere. Wives are driven to desperation, mothers to despair, children +to want. Demoralization, starvation, damnation follow. Friends are +separated, homes are desolated, and souls are driven to hell itself, and +yet people will talk lightly, and even jokingly of the very thing which +leads to these terrible losses and sufferings--out on a spree.</p> + +<p>Debauches not only destroy all capacity for usefulness while they last, but +they demand the vital strength which has wisely been gathered in the system +for days of possible need, when sickness and natural infirmities will lay +hands on the mind or body. The debauch of to-day will borrow from to-morrow +or from next week, or month, or year, that which can not be restored. The +bloated face, the dull, glassy eye, the furtive glance of fear and shame, +the trembling gait, all speak of ravages produced by other causes than +those of time. Indeed, the flight of years can produce no such effects, for +inexorable and wearing as fleeting days and months are, their natural +results differ very widely from those which are caused by an abuse of the +powers of nature. Besides this, many men who are shattered wrecks are still +young in years, and the dew of youth but for dissipation might yet have +glistened on their foreheads.</p> + +<p>It was at this period that the appetite burst forth in a fearful flame +which scorched life itself, and burnt every energy of my being. It was fast +getting to be a consuming, craving, devouring passion, subjecting my very +soul to its dreadful tyranny. My spells increased in frequency, and their +duration was more and more prolonged. I would remain drunk from eight to +ten days, until I got so nervous that I could not sleep, and night after +night I would be counting the hours and longing for morning, which, when it +came with its blessed light, gradually revealing the pattern of the paper +on the walls, caused me to hide my face in the bedclothes and wish for +black and never-ending night to come and hide me from the world and my +misery. From such vigils, feverish and unrefreshed, it may easily be +supposed that I sought the open window in anguish, and bathed my aching, +throbbing forehead in the cool, pure air. At last my condition became so +deplorable that my friends sent my father word to come and take me home, +which he did. While at Connersville, in all my dark and desolate trials, +William Beck was my friend and helper. He never then forsook me, and he +never since has forsaken me, but still remains my faithful and sympathizing +friend--a friend whose valuation is beyond gold, and for whom I entertain +the deepest feelings of gratitude. I returned home with my father and +remained several months, keeping sober all the while. During most of the +time I applied myself vigorously to the study of the law, making rapid +progress.</p> + +<p>I believe I have as yet not stated that, in the intervals long or short +between my sprees, I abstained totally from the use of ardent spirits. I +never could and never did drink in moderation. One drink would always +kindle such a fire in my blood that it was out of my power to prevent its +spreading into a conflagration. I have very many times been accused of +"drinking on the sly," as they say, but every such accusation is false. I +have also been accused of using opium. I know the pitiable wretch that +started that lie--for it is a lie--and the poor dupe that repeated it. For +five years my appetite has been so fierce at times, that, I repeat, had I +touched the point of the finest needle in alcohol and placed it to my +tongue, I would have got drunk had I known that that drunk would have +plunged my soul into hell and eternal torments. O appetite, cold, cruel, +heartless, accursed, consuming, devouring appetite! No other malady like +thee ever afflicted man. Would that I could paint thee, in all thy accursed +hideousness, in letters of unfading fire, and write them in the vaulted +firmament to flame forth to all generations to come their eternal warning.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch6">CHAPTER VI.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Law Practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad to worse- +-My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, God!"-- +Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's duty-- +Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol.</p> + +<p> +My next move was to Rushville, where I opened an office and commenced +practicing law. For a time I kept sober, and was so successful in my +profession that from the very beginning I more than made my expenses. In +fact my prospects for a brilliant career as a lawyer seemed most +flattering. The predictions were many that an uncommon future lay before +me, but, alas, I could stand prosperity no better than adversity. My +appetite grew to such a craving for stimulants that it tortured me. It had +slumbered for weeks, as it has since, only to make itself manifest in the +end with the force of a hurricane. While it had appeared to sleep it was +gathering strength. At the time it dragged me down I was boarding with some +others at the house of an elderly widow. So completely was I transformed +from a man into something debased that I went to her house and fell through +the front door on the floor dead drunk. The landlady had me carried back to +my office, where I lay like a water-sodden log, wholly unconscious, until +the next morning. When I awoke I had no knowledge of anything that had +happened. My friends informed me of my fall at the house, and of their +bearing me back to the office. I upbraided myself bitterly, but it was days +before I had the courage to show my face on the streets, so keen were my +shame and sense of disgrace. Time softens the wildest remorse, and in a few +weeks I regained a state of quiet feeling. But unfortunately most of my +associates were among the class of young men who are never averse to taking +a drink, and it was not long before I found myself again visiting the +saloons, although I did not give up right away to take a drink with them. +But I got to staying in the saloons more than in my office, and began to go +down steadily. Good people who felt sorry for me, and who wanted to aid me, +would do nothing for me unless I would do something for myself, and this I +could not, or did not do.</p> + +<p>I moved from office to office, always descending in respectability, because +always violating my promises not to drink. Occasionally I would make a +desperate effort to reform, gathering about me every element of strength +which I could possibly command, and for a while I would be successful, but +just as hope would begin to light up my darkened path and my friends begin +to feel a new-born confidence in me, an infernal and terrible desire would +take possession of me, and in a moment all that I had gained would be swept +away by my yielding to the demon that tempted me. A debauch longer and more +utterly sickening and vile than the last followed, after which I would +settle down into a condition of hopelessness which would appal the bravest +and strongest. So deplorable, indeed, was my feeling regarding the matter +that then, as since, I kept on drinking for days after the appetite had +left me or had been satiated, in order to deaden the horrible agony that I +knew would crush me when my reason returned.</p> + +<p>I now come to an event in my life which affected me at the time beyond the +power of words, and which I can not without tears of choking sorrow even +now dwell upon. I refer to the death of my mother, which occurred during +the winter after my going to Rushville in 1867. She had been sick a long +time, and had suffered very intense pain, but for days before her death I +think she forgot her own physical torments in anxiety and solicitude about +me. I went home a few days before she died, and remained with her until the +last. She talked to me much and often, always begging and pleading with me +as only a dying mother can plead, to save myself from the life of a +drunkard. I promised her solemnly and honestly that I would never again +taste liquor. As I gazed upon her wasted face and read death in every +lineament, and heard the dread angel's approach in every breath of pain she +drew, and saw above all in her fast dimming eye that the horrors of her +approaching dissolution were almost unthought of in her care for me, I +resolved deep down in my heart never to taste liquor again, and kneeling by +her dying form, I called heaven to witness that no more, oh, never, never +more, would I go in the way of the drunkard, or touch, in any form, the +unpitying and soul-destroying curse. I looked on her face, which was +growing strangely calm and white. She was dead, and it came upon me that +she who had loved and suffered most for me, and without a reproach, was +never more to look upon me again or speak words of comfort and aid to my +ears, so often unheeding. At that moment, looking through scalding tears at +her holy face, and afterwards when I heard the grave clods falling with +their terrible sound upon her coffin lid, I swore that I would keep my +promise, no matter what the temptation to break it might be. She would not +be here to see my triumph, but I would conquer for her memory's sake, and +all would be well. I swore by earth, sea, and sky, never, never to break +the promise made to her in the moment of her dying. That promise I broke +within two months from the day it was solemnized by my mother's death. I +shudder still, remembering the agony of that fall. Broken, oh God!--the +promise has been broken, is what first entered my mind. Never before had I +suffered as I then suffered.</p> + +<p>My wild revel was protracted for days out of dread of the awful sorrow and +remorse that I knew must surely come on my getting sober. My mother +appeared to me in my troubled dreams, and talked to me as in life. Many +times in my slumber, and in my waking fancies did I see her pale, troubled +face, with her pitying eyes looking on me as from that bed of pain and +death, and at such times I reached out my hands toward her in mute pleading +for forgiveness, forgetting or not knowing that she was dead. But the +moment soon came when the truth was flashed through the blackness of night +upon me, and then my misery was more than I could bear. For years before +her death I had lain in my bed and listened to her moaning in her troubled +sleep, to the sighs which escaped from her heart and that of my father, and +I promised the God of my hoped-for salvation that if he would only let me +live I would no more give them pain. Cold, clammy sweat broke out over my +face, and my heart beat so low, and slow, and weak, that in very terror I +felt that my eyeballs were bursting from my head. Again and again I begged, +and plead, and prayed that God would spare me and let me live until I could +convince my father and mother that I never would drink again. But my +prayers were not answered. My mother went out from me in fear, and dread, +and doubt. My father lives, but for me he has little or no hope. If ever a +mortal longed and yearned for one thing more than another in this uncertain +existence, I long for a peaceful and quiet evening of life for my beloved +father. I implore the Father of all of us to give me grace and strength +enough to keep sober until my remaining parent is fully persuaded that I am +truly and beyond question saved from the curse which has driven me to an +asylum, and well nigh sent him, a broken-hearted man, to his grave. O for a +strength which will forever enable me to resist the hell-born and hell- +supported power of the fiend Alcohol! Could I do this and have my father +know it his dying hour would be full of sweet peace, and a joy so shining +that its light would drive afar off the shadows of his death agony. In that +knowledge death would be vanquished and heaven would stoop to earth and +cover his grave with glory. Oh, God! Grant me this one boon! Give me this +one request! In every step of my life I have disappointed him. In the +future let all other hopes, and joys, and aspirations die, if needs be, all +but this--this one--that I may never in any way touch liquor again. May +every man and woman who sees this allow their hearts to go out in an +earnest prayer that I may succeed in this one thing. It is now too late for +me to reach the bright promises of other years. It is now too late for me +to regain all that has been lost, but this I would do, and it will make me +feel at the last that I have not lived altogether to be a remorse and shame +to those who are bound to me by ties which can not be broken. God may +answer your prayers if not mine, so that from the throne of heavenly grace +may come the peace and rest for which my weary soul has sought so long in +vain.</p> + +<p>When I drank after my mother's death, many persons took occasion, on +learning of it, to censure me in unsparing terms. It was even said that I +did not love my mother in life, that I had no respect for her memory in +death, and that I was a heartless wretch. These persons had no knowledge of +the power of my appetite. They did not know that the passion for liquor, +once developed or firmly established, is stronger in its unholy energy than +the love of the heart--of my heart, at least--for mother, father, brother, +or sister. But let me beg that I may not be charged with indifference to my +mother's memory. She comes before me now; she who was a true wife, a +faithful friend, a loving and gentle mother, and I kneel to her and pray +her blessing and pardon--I would clasp her to my heart, but alas! when I +would touch her, the bitter memory comes that she is gone. But I would not +repine, for I know she is with her God. Her life was pure and blameless, +and her soul, on leaving its weary earthly tabernacle, passed to its +inheritance--a mansion incorruptible, and one that will not fade away. She +bore her cross without a murmer of complaint, and she has been crowned +where the spirit of the just are made perfect. Blessed are the pure in +heart, we read, and I know that I am not misquoting the spirit of the holy +book when I say for the same reason, blessed is my mother, for she was pure +of heart, and passed from tribulation to peace, from night to day, from +sorrow to joy, from weariness to rest--rest in the bosom of God.</p> + +<p>It may be that some young man will read these pages whose mother is still +among the living. I do not think that such a one will be without love for +his mother--a dear, compassionate, doating, gentle mother, who loved him +before he knew the name of love; who sang him to sleep in the years that +were, and awoke him with kisses on the bright mornings long ago; who bathed +his head with a soft hand when it throbbed with pain, and smiled when the +glow of health was on his cheek. She wept holy tears when he suffered, and +when he was delighted her heart beat with pleasure. It was she who taught +him that august prayer which is sacred in its simplicity to childhood. She +is aged now; her wealth of brown hair is white with age's winter, her step +is no longer quick, her eye has lost its lustre, and her hand is shaken +with the palsy of lost vigor. There are wrinkles in her brow and hollows in +the cheeks which were once so lovely that his father would have bartered a +kingdom for them. She is sitting by the side of the tomb waiting for the +mysterious summons which must soon come. Oh, young man, you for whom this +mother has suffered, you for whom she cherishes a love which is priceless +and deathless, you will not hasten her into eternity by an act, or word, or +look, will you? It would kill her to know that you had fallen under sin's +destroying stroke. Sometimes she goes to the portrait of your boyish face +and looks at it; at other times she takes down some worn and faded garment, +that you were wont to wear in those beautiful days of the past, and recalls +how you looked when you wore it; then she goes to the room where you used +to sleep and looks at the cradle in which she so often rocked you to sleep, +and, after all is seen, she returns to her chair--the old easy chair--and +waits to hear tidings of you. What would you have her know?</p> + +<p>What news of yourself can you send her? Think of it well. Will you put your +wayward foot on her tender and feeble heart? Is her breathing so easy that +you would impede it with a brutal stab? Oh, if you know no pity for +yourself, have some for her. You will not murder her, will you? Yes, you +reply, and the laughter of mocking devils floats up from the caves of hell- +-"Yes! give me more rum!" Now, hear the truth: The time will come when the +grass will seem to wither from your feet, pain will stifle your breath, +remorse will gnaw your heart and fill all your days and nights with misery +unspeakable; your dreams will torture you in sleep, and your waking +thoughts will be torments; your path will lie in gloom, and your bed will +be a pillow of thorns. You will cry in vain for that departed mother. You +will beg heaven to give her back, but the grave will be silent. The grasses +are creeping over her tomb, and the white hands have crumbled upon her +faithful breast. But no, you will not kill her. You will not call for rum. +I have wronged you, thank God! You will be a man. You are a man. You will +lay this book down, and swear that you will never touch the accursed, +ruinous drink, and you will keep your oath. By sobriety and good habits you +will lengthen your mother's days in the land, and smooth her troubled brow, +and give strength to her failing limbs.</p> + +<p>Rum is a dreadful knife whose edge is never red with blood, but which yet +severs throats from ear to ear. It assassinates the peace of families, it +cuts away honor from the family name, it lets out the vital spark of life, +and is followed by inconsolable death. It pierces hearts, and enters the +bosom of trust, goring it with gashes which God alone can heal. Rum is a +robber who is deaf to hungry children's cries and famished wives' +pleadings. He is a fell destroyer from whom peace and comfort and content +fly. No one can afford to be his subject, and it is the duty of every one +to rise in arms against him. Let him be cursed everywhere. Let anathemas be +hurled against him by the young and old of both sexes. Death is an angel of +mercy sometimes--this destroyer never. Death may open the gates of heaven +to every victim, but this destroyer can unbar alone the gates of hell. He +takes away concord and love and joy, and in their stead leaves the horror +and misery of pandemonium!</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch7">CHAPTER VII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking corn- +-My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious journey-- +Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the damned--Heavenly +hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the woods--At Mr. +Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded by devils-- +Fears and sorrows--No rest.</p> + +<p> +From this time until I tried to break the terrible chain that bound me by +lecturing on the miseries and evils of intemperance, my life was one long, +hopeless, blank, black night. More than one half of the time for five years +I was dead to everything but my own despairing, helpless, pitiable and +despicable condition. I was afloat without provision, sail, or compass, on +an ocean of darkness, and from one period of deeper gloom to another I +expected to go down in the sightless oblivion and so end my accursed +existence. I could see no prospect of a rift in the curtain of pitchy cloud +which hung over me. I was myself an ever-shifting, restless, uneasy +tempest. My unrest and nervous dread of some swift approaching doom too +awful to be conceived became so intense and real that I fled from place to +place. Not unfrequently I came to myself during these epochs of madness and +found that I was a hundred or more miles from home, without friends, +respectable or even sufficient clothing, or money--a bloated and beastly +wreck. I know not how I ever found my way back, or why I prolonged my life +under such circumstances; but it seems the instinct called self- +preservation was yet stronger than the ills which assailed me. Days were +like weeks to me, and weeks as months, and mouths as years, and in all and +through all I managed to crawl forward toward the grave which is still out +yonder in the future, finding no pleasure in myself and no delight in +anything beautiful and holy. As I lift the dread curtain and glance +tremblingly along the path which stretches through the funereal shadows of +the past, I feel that it was a thousand years ago when I was a child in my +mother's dear protecting arms. Sin may have moments of pleasure, but the +pleasure is but a hollow semblance in advance of seemingly never-ending +hours of remorse and suffering.</p> + +<p>More than once I made desperate efforts to escape from my humiliating +thraldom, and, as I was sober during the days of struggle, I sought and +found business, and thus managed to secure a little money, although most of +my clients were poor and anything but influential. I always did my best for +them, however, and seldom lost a case. But at the end of a few days a +strange, undefinable, uneasy feeling began to crawl over me and crept into +my heart; I became more and more restless, anxious and nervous. I was soon +too uneasy to sit still or lie down. Horrible sufferings, agonies untold, +woe unspeakable, deprived me of reason, and when I had the inclination I +had not the will to guide myself aright. Then all of a sudden, my fierce +and unrelenting appetite would sweep, vulture like, down upon me, and I +would feel myself on the point of giving way. After this I would rally for +a brief season, but only to sink into still deeper misery and desperation. +There were days without food, and nights without sleep, but--God pity me!-- +not without liquor. I lived on the hellish liquid alone, and such a life! +The devils of the lower world could see nothing to envy in it. It was worse +than their own torture. The quantity of liquor which I now required was +enormous. I have drank, on the closing days of a spree, one gallon of +whisky within the duration of twenty-four hours, and when I could not get +whisky, I would drink alcohol, vinegar, camphor, liniment, pepper-sauce--in +short, anything that would have a tendency to heat my stomach. I would have +drank fire could I have done so knowing that it would satisfy the thirst +that was consuming me. I left untried no means that would enable me to +break away from my appetite. For two or three summers after I began +practicing law, I went into the country and engaged myself to plow corn at +seventy-five cents per day, in order to keep myself as long as possible +from the dangers of the town. In the autumn season, after a debauch of +weeks, I have hired out and shucked or husked corn in order to get money +with which to buy myself boots and winter clothing. I occasionally taught +school in the country, but not for money, for I have made more at my +profession, when in a condition to practice it, in a single day than I got +for teaching a whole month. My object was to free myself, to break my +manacles, to open the door of my prison cell and walk forth in the upright +posture of a man. Sadly I write, "in vain!" If I fled, the demon outran me; +if I broke a link, the demon moulded another; if I prayed, he put the curse +into my mouth. As I look back over my horror-haunted, broken, misspent, and +false existence, I realize how worthless I am, and I see that my life is a +failure. I am in my thirty-second year, and am prematurely old, without the +wisdom, or gray hairs, or goodness, or truth, or respect which should +accompany age. My heart is frosty but not my hair.</p> + +<p>I will now endeavor to recite some of the scenes through which I passed, +that the reader may form for himself an opinion regarding my sufferings. I +left Rushville on one of my periodical sprees (I do not remember the exact +time, but no matter about that, the fact is burning in my memory), and +after three or four weeks of blind, insane, drunken, unpremeditated travel- +-heaven only knows where--I found myself again in Rushville, but more dead +than alive. I experienced a not unfamiliar but most strange foreboding that +some terrible calamity was impending. I was more nervous than ever before, +so much so in fact that I became alarmed seriously, and called on Dr. +Moffitt for medical advice. He diagnosed my case, and informed me that my +condition was dangerous, unnatural and wild. He gave me some medicine and +kindly advised me to go into his house and lie down, I remained there two +days and nights, and in spite of his able treatment and constant care I +grew worse. Do you know what is meant by delirium tremens, reader? If not, +I pray God you may never know more than you may learn from these pages. I +pray God that you may never experience in any form any of the disease's +horrors. It was this, the most terrible malady that ever tortured man, that +was laying its ghastly, livid, serpentine hands upon me. All at once, and +without further warning, my reason forsook me altogether, and I started +from Dr. Moffitt's house to go to my boarding place. The sidewalks were to +me one mass of living, moving, howling, and ferocious animals. Bears, +lions, tigers, wolves, jaguars, leopards, pumas--all wild beasts of all +climes--were frothing at the mouth around me and striving to get to me. +Recollect that while all this was hallucination, it was just as real as if +it had been an undeniable and awful reality. Above and all around me I +heard screams and threatening voices. At every step I fell over or against +some furious animal. When I finally reached the door leading to my room and +just as I was about to enter, a human corpse sprang into the doorway. It +had motion, but I knew that it was a tenant of that dark and windowless +abode, the grave. It opened full upon me its dull, glassy, lustreless eyes; +stark, cold, and hideous it stood before me. It lifted a stiffened arm and +struck me a blow in the face with its icy and almost fleshless hand from +which reptiles fell and writhed at my feet. I turned to rush into another +room, but the door was bolted. I then thought for a second that I was +dreaming, and I awoke and laughed a wild laugh, which ended in a shriek, +for I knew that I was awake. I turned again toward my own door, and the +form had vanished. I jumped into my room and tore off my clothes, but as I +threw aside my garments, each separate piece turned into something +miscreated and horrible, with fiendish and burning eyes, that caused my own +to start from their sockets. My room was filled with menacing voices, and +just then a mighty wind rushed past my window, and out of the wind came +cries, and lamentations, and curses, which took shapes unearthly, and +ranged about the bed on which I lay shuddering. Die! die! die! they +shrieked. I was commanded to hold my breath, and they threatened horrors +unimaginable if I did not obey.</p> + +<p>I now believed that my time had come to render up the life which had been +so much abused. I asked what would become of my soul when my body gave it +up, and they told me it would descend to the tortures of an everlasting +hell, and that once there, my present sufferings would be as bliss compared +with what was in store for me for an endless age. As my eyes wandered about +the room--I was afraid to close them--I saw that innumerable devils were +crowding into it. They were henceforth to be my companions, and if the +Prince of all of them ever allowed me to leave for a brief time the regions +of infernal woe, it would be in their company and on missions such as they +were now fulfilling. I called aloud for my mother, and a voice more +diabolical than any I had yet heard, hissed into my ears that she was +chained in hell, but immediately a million devils screamed, "Liar! she is +in heaven!" I refused then to hold my breath, and told them to kill me and +do their worst. In an instant the spirit of my mother, like a benediction, +rested beside me. As she begged for me I knew that it was her voice, +natural as in her life on earth. While she was yet imploring for me the +room became radiant, and I saw that it was full of angels. I felt a strange +joy. My sins were pardoned, and I was told that I should go forth and +preach and save souls. I was commanded to get out of bed, put on my +clothes, and go down stairs, where I would be told what to do. I obeyed, +and on opening the door that led to the street, a man came to me and he bid +me follow him. The spirits whispered to me that the man was Christ, and his +looks, acts and steps even were such as I had conceived were his when he +was once a meek and lowly sufferer on earth. I followed him about sixty +rods, when he told me to stop. I did so, and just then the heavens opened +with a great blaze of glory, and millions of angels came down. Such music +as then broke upon my senses I never heard before, and have never since +heard. The angels would approach near me and tell me they were going to +take me to heaven with them; then they would disappear for an instant and +devils gathered about me. I could hear music and see the heavenly hosts +returning. They came and went many times thus, and after they went away the +last time, I was again surrounded by fiends who inflicted every torture on +me. Christ commanded me to stand in that place, I thought, and there I +remained. It was very cold, and I froze my feet and hands. I then felt that +the devils were burning off my feet, and I shrieked for liquor. I looked +down and saw a bottle at my feet, but when I reached down to get it a lion +threw his claws over it, and warned me with a fierce growl not to touch it. +The snow melted, the season changed, and I was standing in mud and mire up +to my neck. Ropes were tied around me, and horses were hitched to them to +drag me from the deeps, but in trying to draw me out the ropes would snap +asunder and I was left imbedded in the clay. They could not move me, +because Christ had commanded me to stand there. A little while before the +break of day the Savior appeared and told me to go. I started to run, but +when I got alongside the old depot there burst from it the combined screams +of millions of incarnate devils. I can hear in fancy still the avalanche of +voices which rolled from those lost myriads. I ran into the first house to +which I came. Its saw at a glance what was the nature of my terrible +trouble, but he had no power to help me. I beheld the face of a black fiend +grinning on me through a window. In the center of his forehead was an +enormous and fiery eye, and about his sinister mouth the grin which I at +first saw became demoniacal. He called the fiends, and I heard them come as +a rushing tornado, and surround the house. Everything I attempted to do was +anticipated by them. If I thought of moving my hand I heard them say, +"Look! he is going to lift his hand." No matter what I did or thought of +doing, they cursed me.</p> + +<p>When daylight at last came--and oh, what an age of dying agony lay behind +it in the vast hollow darkness of the night!--the horrid objects +disappeared, but the voices remained and talked with me all day. You who +read, imagine yourselves alone in a room, or walking deserted streets, with +voices articulating words to you with as clear distinctness as words were +ever spoken to you. Many of the voices were those of friends and +acquaintances whom I knew to be in their graves, and yet they--their +voices--were conversing with, or talking to me, during the whole of that +long, long, terrible day. I was tortured with fears and a dread of +something infinitely horrible. I went to my office--the voices were there! +I stepped to the window, and on the street were men congregating in front +of the building. I could hear their voices, and they were all talking of +hanging me. I had committed an appalling crime, they said. I knew not where +to go or whither to fly. Now and then I could hear strains of music. The +dreaded night came on, and with it the fiends returned. In the excitement +of breaking from my office, I forgot to put on my overcoat. The moment I +got on the street the freezing wind drove me back, but hundreds of voices +gathered around me and threatened me with death if I entered the door +again. I went away followed by them, and wandered in a thin coat up and +down the streets, and through the woods all night. The wonder was that I +did not freeze to death. I could hear crowds of excited people at the court +house discussing me, I thought. When I started to go there, every door and +window of the building flew open and fiery devils darted out and cursed me +away. All the time I was dying for whisky, but the saloon keepers would not +give me a drop. They saw and understood what was the matter with me, and +refused to finish the work begun in their dens. I started at last in the +direction of home. Just outside of the town a man by my side showed me a +bottle of whisky. I was dying for it, and begged him for at least one +swallow. He opened the bottle and held it to my lips, and I saw that the +bottle was full of blood. Again and again did he deceive me. Exhausted at +last, I sank down in the snow and begged for death to come and end my life, +but instead, a company of citizens of Rushville, whom I knew, gathered +around me and a glass of whisky was handed to me. I saw that everyone +present held a similar glass in his hand, which, at a given word, was +raised to the mouth. I hastened to drink, but while they drained their +glasses, I could not get a drop from mine. I looked more closely at the +glass and discovered that there were two thicknesses to it, and that the +liquor was contained between them. I studied how I could break the glass +and not spill the whisky, and begged and plead with the men to have mercy +on me. I got out into the woods four or five miles from Rushville, and +wandered about in the snow, but all around and above me were the universal +and eternal voices threatening me. A thousand visions came and went; a +thousand tortures consumed me; a thousand hopes sustained me.</p> + +<p>I quit the woods pursued by winged and cloven-footed fiends, and ran to the +house of Andy Hinchman. He received and gave me shelter until morning, when +he carried me back home in his buggy. I had no more than got into his house +when it was surrounded by my tormentors. They raised the windows and +commenced throwing lassos at me, in order, as they said, to catch me and +drag me out that they might kill me. I sat up in my chair until daylight, +fighting them off with both hands. All these terrible torments were, I +repeat, realities, intensified over the ordinary realities of life a +hundred fold. I had wandered to and fro, as I have described, but the +people, the angels and the devils were alike the phantasmagoria of my +diseased mind. For one week after the night last mentioned, I had no use of +either arm. I had so frozen my feet that I could not put on my boots. Mr. +Hinchman kindly loaned me a pair that I succeeded, although with great +pain, in drawing on, for they were three sizes larger than I was in the +habit of wearing. The devils were still with me, but I had moments of +reason when I could banish them from my mind. On our way to town they rode +on top of the buggy and clung to the spokes of the wheels, and whirled over +and over with dizzy revolutions. How they fought, and cursed, and shrieked! +When I got to my room it was the same, and for days I was surrounded the +greater part of the time with demons as numberless as those seen in the +fancy of the mighty poet of a Lost Paradise marshaled under the infernal +ensign of Lucifer on the fiery and blazing plains of hell! For more than +one month after the madness left me I was afraid to sleep in a room alone, +and the least sound would fill me with fear. I ran when none pursued, and +hid when no one was in search of me. My sleep was fitful and full of +terrible dreams, and my days were days of unrest and anguish unspeakable.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch8">CHAPTER VIII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy.</p> + +<p> +My condition now grew worse from day to day. I descended step by step to +the lowest depths of wretchedness and degradation. Often my only sleeping- +place was the pavement, or a stairway, or a hall leading to some office. I +lost my clothes, pawning most of them to the rum-sellers, until I was unfit +to be seen, so few and dirty and ragged were the garments which I could +still call my own. In ten years I have lost, given away, and pawned over +fifty suits of clothes. Within the three years just past I have had six +overcoats that went the way of my reputation and peace of mind.</p> + +<p>I left Rushville at the time of which I am writing, but not until it was +out of my power to either buy or beg a drop of liquor--not until my +reputation was destroyed and everything else that a true man would prize-- +and then, like the prodigal who had wallowed with swine, I returned to my +father's house--the home of my childhood, around which lay the scenes which +were imprinted on my mind with ineffaceable colors. But I had destroyed the +sense which should have made them comforting to me. I have no doubt that +nature is beautiful--that there are fine souls to whom she is a glorious +book, on whose divine pages they learn wisdom and find the highest and most +exalting charms. But I, alas, am dead to her subtle and sacred influences. +However, I might have been benefited by my stay at home, had it been +difficult for me to find that which my appetite still craved; but it was +not so. Falmouth and Raleigh and Lewisville were still within easy reach, +and not only at these, but at many other places could liquor be procured, +and I got it. The curse was on me. My condition became such that it was +unsafe to send me from home on any business. I can recall times when I left +horses hitched to the plow or wagon and went on a spree, forgetting all +about them, for weeks. I had left home firm in the resolve to not touch a +drop of liquor under any circumstances, and so thoroughly did I believe +that I would not, that I would have staked my soul on a wager that I would +keep sober. But the sight of a saloon, or of some person with whom I had +been on a drunk, or even an empty beer keg, would rouse my appetite to such +an extent that I gave up all thoughts of sobriety and wanted to get drunk. +I always allowed myself to be deceived with the idea that I would only get +on a moderate drunk this time, and then quit forever. But the first drink +was sure to be followed by a hundred or a thousand more.</p> + +<p>Once while in a state of beastly intoxication at Rushville, my father came +for me and took me home in a wagon, and for two weeks I scarcely stirred +outside of the house. But the house which should have been a paradise to me +was made a prison by reason of my desires for the hell-created liberty of +entering saloons and associating with men as reckless as myself. I became +morose, nervous, and uneasy. I took a horseback ride one morning and would +not admit to myself that I cared less for the ride than to feel that I +could go where I could get liquor. I did not want to drink, but like the +moth which returns by some fatal charm again and again to the flames which +eventually consume it, I could not resist the temptation to go where I +could lay my hands on the curse. There was on the farm, among the horses, +one that was unusually wild, which had hitherto thrown every person that +mounted it. The only way it could be managed at all was with a rough curb- +bitted bridle, and even then each rein had to be drawn hard. If there was +any one thing on which I prided myself at that time it was my proficiency +in riding horses. I determined on mastering this horse, and early one +morning I mounted his back. I got along without a great amount of +difficulty in keeping my seat until I got to Raleigh. Here I dismounted and +sat in the corner groceries for an hour or more, talking to acquaintances. +Finally, like the dog returning to his vomit, I crossed the street and went +into a saloon. Had the door opened into the vermilion lake of fire I would +have passed through it if I had been sure of getting a drink, so sudden and +uncontrollable was the appetite awakened. Only a few minutes before I had +with religious solemnity assured two young men who were keeping a dry goods +store there that I had quit drinking forever. To test me, I suppose, one of +them had said to me that he had some excellent old whisky, and wanted me to +try a little of it, and offered me the jug. I carried it to my mouth, and +took a swallow. It was a villainous compound of whisky, alcohol and drugs +of various kinds, which he sold in quart bottles under the name of some +sort of bitters which were warranted to cure every disease: and I will add +that I believe to this day that they would do what he said they would, for +I do not think any human being, bird, or beast, unless there is another +Quilp living, could drink two bottles of it in that number of days and not +be beyond the need of further attention than that required to prepare him +for burial. It was the sight of the jug and the taste of the poison slop +which it contained that aroused my appetite and scattered my resolves to +the tempest. Once in the saloon I drank without regard to consequences, and +without caring whether the horse I rode was as jaded and tame as Don +Quixote's ill-favored but famous steed, or as wild and unmanageable as the +steed to which the ill-starred Mazeppa was lashed. I did not stop to +consider that a clear head and steady hand were necessary to guide that +horse and protect my life, which would be endangered the moment I again +mounted my horse. Ordinarily I would have gone away and left the horse to +care for itself, but I remembered the character of the horse, and with a +drunken maniac's perversity of feeling I would not abandon it. I designed +getting only so drunk, and then I would show the folks what a young man +could really do. On leaving the saloon I returned to the jug, which +contained the mixture described, and which would have called up apparitions +on the blasted heath that would have not only startled the ambitious thane, +but frightened the witches themselves out of their senses.</p> + +<p>I took one full drink--what is called in the vernacular of the bar room a +"square" drink--from the jug, and that, uniting with the saloon slop, made +me a howling maniac. I have forgotten to mention that I got a quart of as +raw and mean whisky in the saloon as was ever sold for the sum which I gave +for it--fifty cents. It was about nine o'clock at night when I bethought me +of the horse which I had sworn to ride home that evening. I untied the +beast with some difficulty, and led him to a mounting block. I got on the +block, and, after putting my foot securely in the stirrup, fell into the +saddle, I was too drunk to think further, and so permitted the horse to +take whatever course suited it best. It took the road toward home, but not +as quietly as a butterfly would have started. He flew with furious speed, +onward through the night, bearing me as if I had only been a feather. I did +not, for I could not, attempt to control him. It was a race with death, and +the chances were in death's favor long before we reached the home stretch. +Possibly I might have ridden safely home had the road been a straight one, +but it was not, and, on making a short turn, I was thrown from the saddle, +but my feet were securely fastened in the stirrups, and so I was dragged +onward by the animal, which did not pause in its mad career, but rather +sped forward more wildly than ever. I was dragged thus over a quarter of a +mile, and would undoubtedly have been killed had not one and then the other +stirrup broken. I lay with my feet in the detached stirrups until near +morning, wholly unconscious and dead, I presume, to all appearances. It was +quite a while after I came to my senses before I could realize what had +happened, who, and what, and where I was, and then my knowledge was too +vague to enable me to determine anything definitely. I crawled to a house +which was near by, fortunately, and remained there during the morning. I +was badly, but not dangerously, injured. The skin was torn from one side of +my face, and three of my fingers were disjointed. I was bruised all over, +and cut slightly in several places. How I escaped death is a miracle, but +escape it I did. The horse went on home and was found early in the morning, +with the stirrup leathers dangling from the saddle. When the family saw the +horse they at once were of the opinion that I had been killed, and my +father took the road to Raleigh immediately, thinking to find my dead body +on the way. Fearing that they would discover the horse and be frightened +about me, I started home, and had not gone far when I met my father. As +soon as he saw me walking in the road, he burst into tears. I did not dare +look as he rode up to me, but continued walking, and he rode slowly past +me. I could hear his sobs, but was too much overcome with shame to speak. I +walked on toward home as fast as I could, and my heart-broken but happy +father followed slowly in my rear. When I got within sight of the house my +sister saw me and ran to meet me, crying: "Oh, we thought you were killed +this time--I was sure you were killed. It is so dreadful to think of!" etc. +She was crying and laughing in a breath. My feelings were such as words can +not describe. I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up. I suffered a +thousand deaths. This is only one of a hundred similar debauches, each more +deplorable and humiliating in its consequences than the last.</p> + +<p>At times, as the waters of the awful sea called the Past dash over me, I +almost die of strangulation. I pant and gasp for breath, and shudder and +tremble in my terror. My spree on this occasion was not yet over; my +appetite was burning and raging, and notwithstanding my almost miraculous +escape from a drunken death, I watched my opportunity, like a man bent on +self-destruction, and again mounted the same horse and started for Raleigh. +But my father had preceded me, and given orders at the saloon and elsewhere +that I should not be allowed more liquor. I was determined to satisfy my +appetite, and with this purpose subjugating every other, I went on to +Lewisville, where I remained for more than a week, drinking day and night. +Finally one of my brothers, hearing of my whereabouts, came after me and +took me home. I was so completely exhausted the moment that the liquor +began to die out that I had to go to bed, and there I remained for some +time. After such debauches the physical suffering is intense and great; but +it is little in comparison with the tortures of the mind. After such a +spree as the one just mentioned, it has generally been out of my power to +sleep for a week or longer after getting sober. I have tossed for hours and +nights upon a bed of remorse, and had hell with all its flames burning in +my heart and brain. Often have I prayed for death, and as often, when I +thought the final hour had come, have I shrunk back from the mysterious +shadow in which flesh has no more motion. Often have I felt that I would +lose my reason forever, but after a period of madness, nature would be +merciful and restore me my lost senses. Often have I pressed my hands +tightly over my mouth, fearing that I would scream, and as often would a +low groan sound in my blistered throat, the pent up echo of a long maniacal +wail. Often have I contemplated suicide, but as often has some benign power +held back my desperate hand; once, indeed, I tried to force the gates of +death by an attempt to take my own life, but, heaven be forever praised! I +did not succeed, for the knife refused to cut as deep as I would have had +it. I thought I would be justifiable in throwing off by any means such a +load of horror and pain as I was weighed down with. Who would not escape +from misery if he could? I argued. If the grave, self-sought, would hide +every error, blot out every pang, and shield from every storm, why not seek +it?</p> + +<p>They have in certain lands of the tropics a game which the people are said +to watch with absorbing interest. It is this: A scorpion is caught. With +cruel eagerness the boys and girls of the street assemble and place the +reptile on a board, surrounded with a rim of tow saturated with some +inflammable spirit. This ignited, the torture of the scorpion begins. +Maddened by the heat, the detested thing approaches the fiery barrier and +attempts to find some passage of escape, but vain the endeavor! It retreats +toward the center of the ring, and as the heat increases and it begins to +writhe under it, the children cry out with pleasure--a cry in which, I +fancy, there is a cadence of the sound which sends a thrill of delight +through hell--the sound of exultation which rises from the tongues of +bigots when the martyr's soul mounts upward from the flames in which his +body is consumed. Again the scorpion attempts to escape, and again it is +turned back by that impassable barrier of fire. The shouts of the children +deepen. At last, finding that there is no way by which to fly, the hated +thing retreats to the center of its flaming prison and stings itself to +death. Then it is that the exultation of the crowd of cruel tormentors is +most loudly expressed. But do not infer from what I have said that I look +with favor on suicide under any circumstances. That I do not do, but I +would have you look at society and some of its victims.</p> + +<p>See what barriers of flame are often thrown around poor, despairing, +miserable men! Listen to that indifference and condemnation, and this wail +of agony! Can you wonder that the outcast abandons hope and plunges the +knife into his heart? He is driven to madness, and feeling that all is +lost, he commits an act which does indeed lose everything for him, for it +bars the gates of heaven against him. Before he had nothing on earth; now +he has nothing in paradise. Alas for those who triumph over the fall of a +fellow creature. God have mercy on those who exult over the wretchedness of +a victim of alcohol! Woe to those who ridicule his efforts to escape, and +who mock him when he fails. Do they not help to shape for him the dagger of +self-destruction? What ingredients of poison do they not mix with the fatal +drink which deprives him of breath? With what threads do they strengthen +the rope with which he hangs himself! Where should the most blame rest, +where does it most rest in the eyes of God--with society which drives him +forth a depraved and friendless creature? or with himself no longer +accountable for his acts? O the agony of feeling that on the whole face of +the earth there is not a face that will look upon you in kindness, nor a +heart that will throb with compassion at sight of your misery! I know what +this agony is, for in my darkest hours I have looked for pity and strained +my ears to catch the tones of a kindly voice in vain. But let me hasten to +say, lest I be misunderstood, that since I commenced to lecture, I have had +the support and active help of thousands of the very best men and women in +the land. I doubt that there was ever a man in calamity trying to escape +from terrors worse than those of death who had more aid than has been +extended to me. Could prayers and tears lift one out of misfortune and +wretchedness I would long ago have stood above all the tribulations of my +life. I desire to have every man and woman that has bestowed kindness on +me, if only a word or look, know that I remember such kindness, and that I +long to prove that it was not thrown away. Every day there rises before me +numberless faces I have met from time to time, each beautiful with the +love, sympathy, and pity which elevates the human into the divine. There +are others, I regret to say, that pass before me with dark looks and +scowls. I know them well, for they have sought to discourage and drag me +down. Their tongues have been quick to condemn and free to vilify me. I +seek no revenge on them. I forgive as wholly and freely as I hope to be +forgiven. May God soften their tiger hearts and melt their hyena souls.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch9">CHAPTER IX.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the ditch- +-Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A long +night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The inevitable-- +Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred miles from +home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a school--The lobbies +of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open school--A failure--Return +home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two months of uninterrupted +drinking--Coatless, hatless, and bootless--The "Blue Goose"--The tremens-- +Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the damned--Walking on crutches-- +Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold +bath--The consequence--Teaching school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of +Daniel Baker and his wife--A paying practice at law.</p> + +<p> +I was at all times unhappy, and hence I was always restless and +discontented. I was continually striving for something that would at least +give me contentment, but before I could establish myself in any thing the +ever-recurring spell would seize me, and whatever confidence I had +succeeded in gaining was swept away. I wrote in sand, and the incoming tide +with a single dash annihilated the characters. During one of my uneasy +wanderings I went to Hartford City, Indiana. Hartford "City," like all +other cities In the land, has a full supply of saloons. With a view of +advertising myself I had my friends announce on the second day after my +arrival that I would deliver a political speech. This speech was listened +to by an immense crowd, and heartily praised by the party whose principles +I advocated. I was puffed up with the enthusiasm of the people, and +repaired with some of the local leaders to a saloon to take a drink in +honor of the occasion. The drink taken by me as usual wrought havoc. I +wanted more, as I always do when I take one drink, and I got more. I got +more than enough, too, as I always do. On the way home with a gentleman +whom I knew, I fell into a ditch, but was extricated with difficulty, and +finally carried to the house of a friend. My clothes were wet and covered +with mud. After sleeping awhile I got up and stole from the house very much +as a thief would have sneaked away. I was fairly started on another spree, +and for three weeks I drank heavily and constantly. Sometime during the +third week of my debauch I received a telegram stating that my brother was +dead. The suddenness and terrible nature of the news caused me to become +sober at once. It was just at twilight when I received the telegram, and +there was no train until nine o'clock the next morning. That night seemed +like an age to me. I never closed my eyes in sleep, but lay in my bed weak +and terror-stricken, waiting for the morning. It came at last, for the +longest night will end in day. I got on the train and sat down by a window. +I was so weak and nervous that I could not hold a cup in my hand. But I +wanted no more liquor. The terrible news of the previous day had frightened +away all desire for drink. I had not ridden far when I was seized with +palpitation of the heart. The sudden cessation from all stimulants had left +my system in a condition to resist nothing, and when my heart lost its +regular action, the chances were that I could not survive. All day I drew +my breath with painful difficulty, and thought that each respiration would +be the last. I raised the car window and put out my head so that the +rushing air would strike my face, and this revived me. When I got home my +brother was buried. I had left him a few days before in good health and +proud in his strength. I returned to find him hidden forever from my sight +by the remorseless grave. What I felt and suffered no one knew, nor can +ever know. Every night for weeks I could see my brother in life, but the +cold reality of death came back to me with the light of day. I was stunned +and almost crazed by the blow, and yet there were not wanting persons who, +incapable of a deep pang of sorrow, said that I did not care. Could they +have been made to suffer for one night the agony which I endured for weeks +they would learn to feel for the miseries of others, and at the same time +have a knowledge of what sufferings the human heart is capable.</p> + +<p>My next move was to Bluffton, Wells county, Indiana, where I arranged to go +into the practice of the law. But here at Bluffton, as elsewhere, were the +devil's recruiting offices--the saloons--and the first night after I +reached the town I got drunk. I remained in Bluffton until I got over the +debauch, which embraced a siege of the delirium tremens more horrible than +that already described. When I came to myself, I determined that I would go +home. I was without money; I had no friends in Bluffton, and but few +clothes to my back, and it was over one hundred miles to my father's, but I +started on foot and walked the whole way. I stayed quietly at home a few +days, and then went to Howard and Clinton counties on business, which was +to make some collections on notes for other parties. While in Clinton +county I engaged to teach a district school, and in order to begin at the +time specified by the trustees, I returned home to get ready. I started to +return to Clinton county on Friday, so as to be there to open school on the +following Monday. I got off the train at Indianapolis, and went into one of +the numerous lobbies of hell near the depot. It was a week from that +evening before I was sober enough to realize where I was, who I was, where +I had come from, and whither I had started. I could hardly believe it +possible that I had fallen again, but there was no doubt of the fact. I had +been arrested and had pawned my trunk to get money to pay my fine. To this +day I don't know why I was arrested, but for being drunk, I suppose. I fled +from the city, and walked thirty miles into the country, where I borrowed +enough money of a friend to redeem my trunk. I then started for my school. +Notwithstanding I was one week behind, the trustees were still expecting +me, and on Monday morning, one week later than the time appointed at first, +I opened school. But I was so worn out and confused in my faculties that at +noon I was forced to dismiss the school. I hurried from the house to a +small village in the neighborhood and there I got more liquor. The next +morning I left for home. Such a condition of affairs was lamentable and +damnable, but I was powerless to make it better. I have often wondered what +the people of that neighborhood thought when they found that I had taken a +cargo of whisky and disappeared as mysteriously as I came. If the young +idea shot forth at all during that season among the children of that +district it was directed by other hands than mine. I never sent in a bill +for the sixty-two and a half cents due me for that half day's work. If the +good people of Clinton will consent to call the matter even, I will here +and now relinquish every possible claim, right, or title to the aforesaid +amount. They have probably long since forgotten the school which was not +taught, and the pedagogue who did not teach. I arrived at home in course of +time, and remained there a few days.</p> + +<p>It was not long until my restless disposition drove me forth in search of +some new adventure, and now comes the brief and imperfect recital of the +most terrible experiences of my life. On the first of July I began to +drink, and it was not until the first of September that I quit. During this +time I went to Cincinnati twice, once to Kentucky, and twice to Lafayette. +I traveled nearly all the time, and much of the time I was in an +unconscious state. I started from home with two suits of clothes which I +pawned for whisky after my money was all gone. I arrived at Knightstown one +day without coat, vest or hat. I was also barefooted. A friend supplied me +with these necessary articles, and as soon as I put them on I went to a +saloon kept by Peter Stoff, and there I staid four days without venturing +out on the street. As soon as I was able, I took up my journey homeward. +When I got to Raleigh I was so completely worn out that I dropped down in a +shoe shop and saloon, both of which were in the same compartment of a +building. That night I took the tremens. The next day my father came after +me in a spring wagon, and hauled me home. For the most part, during the two +months of which I speak, I had slept out doors, without even a dog for +company, and I contracted slight cold and fever, which terminated in an +attack of inflammatory rheumatism in my left knee. The rheumatism came on +in an instant, and without any previous warning. The first intimation I had +of it was a keen pain, such as I imagine would follow a knife if thrust +through the centre of the knee. When the doctor reached the house my knee +had swollen enormously. I was burning up with a violent fever, and was wild +with delirium. He at once blistered a hole in each side of my knee, and +applied sedatives. My suffering was literally that of the damned. I lay +upon my back for days and nights on a small lounge, without sleeping a +wink, so great was my suffering. For forty-eight hours my eyes were rolled +upward and backward in my head in a set and terrible rigidity. In my +delirium, I thought my room was overran by rats. I tried to fight them off +as they came toward me, but when I thought they were gone I could detect +them stealing under my lounge, and presently they would be gnawing at my +knee, and every time one of them touched me, a thrill of unearthly horror +shot through me. They tore off pieces of my flesh, and I could see these +pieces fall from their bloody jaws. No pen could describe my sickening and +revolting sensations of horror and agony. For sixty days did I lie upon my +back on that couch, unable to turn on either side, or move in any way, +without suffering a thousand deaths. I experienced as much pain as ever was +felt by any mortal being, and it is still a wonder to me how I survived. I +was, on more than one occasion, believed to be dead by my friends, and they +wrapped me in the winding sheet. Even then I was conscious of what they +were doing, and yet I was unable to move a muscle, or speak, or groan. A +horrible fear came over me that they would bury me alive. I seemed to die +at the thought, but, had mountains been heaped upon me, it would have been +as easy for me to show that I was not dead. But I would gradually regain +the power of articulation, and then again would hope rise in the hearts of +those who were watching. At last, but slowly, I recovered sufficiently to +be able to leave my room. I procured a pair of crutches, and by their aid I +could go about the house. Next I went out riding in a buggy, and after a +time got so that I could walk without difficulty, though not without my +crutches, for I did not yet dare to bear weight on my afflicted knee.</p> + +<p>One day I went to Rushville, and--O, curse of curses!--gave way to my +appetite. The moment the whisky began to affect me, I forgot that I had +crutches, and set my lame leg down with my whole weight upon it. The sudden +and agonizing pain caused me to give a scream, and yet I repeated the step +a number of times. But the insufferable pain caused me to return home.</p> + +<p>It was now winter. The Legislature was in session at Indianapolis, and I +was promised a position, and, with this end in view, packed my trunk and +bid good-by to the folks at home. At Shelbyville, at which place I had a +little business to attend to, I took a drink. Just how and why I took it +has been already told, for the same cause always influenced me. The same +result followed, and at Indianapolis I kept up the debauch until I had +traded a suit of clothes worth sixty dollars for one worth, at a liberal +estimate, about sixty-five cents. I even pawned my crutches, which I still +used and still needed. One day I went to a bath-room, and after remaining +in the bath for half an hour, with the water just as warm as I could bear +it, I resolved to change the programme, and, without further reflection, I +turned off the warm and turned on water as cold as ice could make it. It +almost caused my death. In an instant every pore of my body was closed, and +I was as numb as one would be if frozen. Even my sight was destroyed for a +few minutes, but I contrived to get out of the bath and put on my rags. I +found my way, with some difficulty, to the Union Depot, and boarded a +train, but I did not notice that it was not the train I wanted to travel on +until it was too late for me to correct the mistake. I went to Zionsville, +and lay there three days under the charge of two physicians. I then started +again to go home, expecting to die at any moment. At last I reached +Falmouth, and was carried to my father's, where I passed two weeks in +suffering only equaled by that which I had already borne.</p> + +<p>On again recovering my health, I began to look about for something to do, +and hearing of a vacant school east of Falmouth, and about four miles from +my father's, I made application and was employed to teach it. It is with +pride (which, after the record of so many failures, I trust will readily be +pardoned) that I chronicle the fact that from the beginning to the end of +the term I never tasted liquor. I look back to those months as the happiest +of my life. I did what is seldom done, for in addition to keeping sober +(which I believe most teachers do without an effort), I gave complete +satisfaction to every parent, and pleased and made friends with every +scholar (a thing, I believe, that most teachers do not do). Very bright and +vivid in memory are those days, made more radiant by contrast with the +darkness and degradation which lie before and after them. As I dwell upon +them a ray of their calm light steals into my soul, and the faces of my +loved scholars come out of the intervening darkness and smile upon me, +until, for a brief moment, I forget my barred window, the mad-house, and my +desolation, and fancy that I am again with them. I boarded with Daniel +Baker, and can never forget his own and his good wife's kindness.</p> + +<p>At the close of my school I was in better health and spirits than I had +ever before been. I began to feel that there was still a chance for me to +redeem the losses of the past, and I can not describe how happy the thought +made me. I again began the practice of law, and for six months I devoted +myself to my duties. I had a large and paying practice, and not once but +often was I engaged in cases where my fees amounted to from fifty to one +hundred dollars, and once I received two hundred and fifty dollars. I will +further say that my clients felt that they were paying me little enough in +each case, considering the service I rendered them. But during the latter +part of the time I suffered much from low spirits and nervousness, and my +desire for whisky almost drove me wild at times. I fought this appetite +again and again with desperate determination, and how the contest would +have finally ended I can not say had I not been taken down sick. The +physician who was sent for prescribed some brandy, and on his second visit +he brought half of a pint of it, to be taken with other medicine in doses +of one tablespoonful at intervals of two hours. I followed his directions +with care, so far as the first dose was concerned, but if the reader +supposes that I waited two hours for another tablespoonful of that brandy +he does my appetite gross injustice. Neither would I have him suppose that +I confined the second dose to a tablespoon. I waited until my friends +withdrew, making some excuse about wanting to be alone in order to get them +to go out at once, and then I got out of bed and swallowed the remainder of +that brandy at a gulp. A desperate and uncontrollable desire for the poison +had possession of me, and beneath it my resolutions were crushed and my +will helplessly manacled. I slipped out of the room at the first +opportunity, and managed to get a buggy in which I drove off to Falmouth +where I immediately bought a quart of whisky. This I drank in an incredibly +short space of time, and after that--after that--well, you can imagine what +took place after that. Would to God that I could erase the recollection of +it from my mind! Days and weeks of drunkenness; days and weeks of +degradation; money spent; clothes pawned and lost; business neglected; +friends alienated; and peace and happiness annihilated by the fell, +merciless, hell-born fiend--Alcohol! So much for a half pint of brandy +prescribed by an able physician. The vilest and most deadly poison could +scarcely have been worse. Perhaps I was to blame--at least I have blamed +myself--for not imploring the doctor in the name of everything holy not to +prescribe any medicine containing a drop of intoxicating liquor. But I was +sick and weak, and my appetite rose in its strength at mention of the word +brandy, and when I would have spoken it palsied my tongue. I could not +resist. The inevitable was upon me.</p> + +<p>Down, down, down I went, lower and ever lower. Down, into the darkness of +desperation!--down, into the gulf of ruin!--down, where Shame, and Sin, and +Misery cry to fallen souls--"Stay! abide with us!" I felt now that all I +had gained was lost, and that there was nothing more for me to hope for. +The destroying devil had swept away everything. I was no longer a man. +Behold me cowering before my race and begging the pitiful sum of ten cents +with which to buy one more drink--begging for it, moreover, as something +far more precious than life. I resorted then, as many times since, to every +means in order to get that which would, and yet would not, satisfy my +insatiate thirst. No one is likely to contradict me when I say that I know +of more ways to get whisky, when out of money and friends, (although no +true friend would ever give me whisky, especially to start on) than any +other living man, and I sincerely doubt if there is one among the dead who +could give me any information on the subject. Had I as persistently applied +myself to my profession, and resorted to half as many tricks and ways to +gain my clients' cases, it would have been out of the range of probability +for my opponents to ever defeat me. I might have had a practice which would +have required the aid of a score or more partners. I understand very well +that such statements as this are not likely to exalt me in the reader's +estimation, but I started out to tell the truth, and I shall not shrink +from the recital of anything that will prejudice my readers against the +enemy that I hate. I could sacrifice my life itself, if thereby I might +slay the monster.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch10">CHAPTER X.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by legislation- +-Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The Indianapolis police-- +The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The coming head-light--A +desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the time"--A struggle in +which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in dew--Hiding from the +officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable sufferings--Advised to +lecture--The time I began to lecture.</p> + +<p> +It has been but a few years since the Legislature of Indiana passed what is +known as the "Baxter Liquor Law." Among the provisions of that law was one +which declared that "any person found drunk in a public place should be +fined five dollars for every such offense, and be compelled to tell where +he got his liquor." It was further declared that if the drunkard failed to +pay his fine, etc., he should be imprisoned for a certain number of days or +weeks. This had no effect on the drunkard, unless it was to make his +condition worse. Appetite is a thing which can not be controlled by a law. +It may be restrained through fear, so long as it is not stronger than a +man's will, but where it controls and subordinates every other faculty it +would be useless to try to eradicate or restrain it by legislation. When a +man's appetite is stronger than he is, it will lead him, and if it demands +liquor it will get it, no matter if five hundred Baxter laws threatened the +drunkard. Man, powerless to resist, gives way to appetite; he gets drunk; +he is poor and has no money to pay his fine; the court tells him to go to +jail until an outraged law is vindicated. In the meantime the man has a +wife and (it may be) children; they suffer for bread. The poor wife still +clings to her husband and works like a slave to get money to pay his fine. +She starves herself and children in order to buy his freedom. You will say: +"The man had no business to get drunk." But that is not the point. He needs +something very different from a Baxter law to save him from the power of +his appetite. Besides, the law is unjust. The rich man may get just as +drunk as the poor man, and may be fined the same, but what of that? Five +dollars is a trifle to him, so he pays it and goes on his way, while his +less fortunate brother is kicked into a loathsome cell. There never has +been, never can, and never will be a law enacted that prevent men from +drinking liquor, especially those in whom there is a dominant appetite for +it. The idea of licensing men to sell liquor and punishing men for drinking +it is monstrous. To be sure, they are not punished for drinking it in +moderation, but no man can be moderate who has such an appetite as I have. +Why license men to sell liquor, and then punish others for drinking it? +What sort of sense or justice is there in it, anyhow? There is a double +punishment for the drunkard, and none for the liquor-seller. The sufferings +consequent on drinking are extreme, and no punishment that the law can +inflict will prevent the drunkard from indulging in strong drink if his own +far greater and self-inflicted punishment is of no avail.</p> + +<p>When a man has become a drunkard his punishment is complete. Think of law +makers enacting and making it lawful, in consideration of a certain amount +of money paid to the State, for dealers in liquors to sell that which +carries darkness, crime, and desolation with it wherever it goes! The +silver pieces received by Judas for betraying his master were honestly +gotten gain compared with the blood money which the license law drops into +the State's treasury--license money. What money can weigh in the balance +and not be found wanting where starved and innocent children, broken- +hearted mothers and sisters, and deserted, weeping wives are in the scale +against it? Mothers, look on this law licensing this traffic, and then if +you do not like it cease to bring forth children with human passions and +appetites, and let only angels be born.</p> + +<p>After the passage of this law making drunkenness an offense to be fined, I +had all the law practice I could attend to in keeping myself out of its +meshes and penalties. It kept me busy to avoid imprisonment--for I was +drunk nearly all the time. I was indicted twenty-two times. But it is fair +to say that in a majority of cases these indictments were found by men in +sympathy with me, and whose chief object in having me arrested was to +punish the men who sold me liquor. Another mistake! It is next to +impossible to get a drunkard to tell where he got his liquor. Half the time +he himself does not know where he got it. I never indicted a saloon keeper +in my life. The sale of liquor has been legalized, and so long as that is +the case I would blame no man for refusing to tell where he got his liquor. +A law that permits an appetite for whisky to be formed, and then punishes +its victim after money, health, and reputation are all gone, is a barbarous +injustice. Instead of making a law that liquor shall not be sold to +drunkards, better enact a law that it shall be sold only to drunkards. Then +when the present generation of drunkards has passed away, there will be no +more. I succeeded in escaping from the penalty of the indictments found +against me. I plead, in most instances, my own case, and once or twice, +when so drunk that I could not stand up without a chair to support me, I +succeeded by resorting to some of the many tricks known to the legal +fraternity, in wringing from the jury a verdict of "not guilty."</p> + +<p>But all this was anything but amusing. I have never made my sides sore +laughing about it. The memory of it does not wreath my face in smiles. It +is madness to think of it. I lived in a state of perpetual dread. When in +Indianapolis the sight of the police filled me with fear. And here a word +concerning the Indianapolis police. There are, doubtless, in the force some +strictly honorable, true, and kind-hearted men--and these deserve all +praise. But, if accounts speak true, there are others who are more +deserving the lash of correction than many whom they so brutally arrest. +Need they be told that they have no right to kick, or jerk, or otherwise +abuse an unresisting victim? Are they aware of the fact that the fallen are +still human, and that, as guardians of the peace, they are bound to yet be +merciful while discharging their duties? I have heard of more than one +instance where men, and even women, were treated on and before arriving at +the station house as no decent man would treat a dog. Such policemen are +decidedly more interested in the extra pay they get on each arrest than in +serving the best interests of the community. Many a poor man has been +arrested when slightly intoxicated, and driven to desperation by the +brutality of the police, that, under charitable and kind treatment, would +have been saved. And I wish to ask a civilized and Christian people, if it +is just the thing to take a man afflicted with the terrible disease of +drunkenness, and thrust him into a loathsome, dirty cell? Would it not be +not only more human, but also more in accord with the spirit of our +intelligent and liberal age, to convey him to a hospital? I leave the +discussion of this subject to other and abler hands.</p> + +<p>At one time the grand jury at Rushville met and found a number of +indictments against me. I was drunk at the time, but by some means learned +that an officer had a writ to arrest me. I started at once to go to my +father's. I was without means to get a conveyance, and so I started afoot +out the Jeffersonville railroad. I had then been drunk about one month, and +was bordering on delirium tremens. After walking a mile or more, my boot +rubbed my foot so that I drew it off and walked on barefooted. My feelings +can not be imagined. Fear and terror froze my blood. The night came on dark +and dismal, and a flood of bitter, wretched thoughts swept over me, +crushing me to the earth. Before me in the distance appeared the head-light +of an engine. It seemed to look at me like a demon's eye, and beckon me on +to destruction. I heard voices which whispered in my ears--"now is the +time." A shudder crept over me. Should I end my miserable existence? I knew +that a train of cars was coming. I could lie down on the track, and no one +would ever know but I had been accidentally killed. Then I thought of my +father, and brothers, and sisters, and as a glimpse of their suffering +entered my mind, I felt myself held back. A great struggle went on between +life and death. It ended in favor of life, and I fled from the railroad. I +soon lost my way and wandered blindly over the fields and through the woods +all that night. I was perishing for liquor when daylight came. In order to +assuage my burning appetite I climbed over a fence, and, picking up a +dirty, rusty wash-pan which had been thrown away, I drank a quart of water +which I dipped from a horse-trough. My skin was dry and parched, and my +blood was in a blaze. When I came to grassy plots I lay down and bathed my +face in the cold dew, and also bared my arms and moistened them in the +cool, damp grass.</p> + +<p>When the sun came up over the eastern tree-tops I found that I was about +ten miles from Rushville. After stumbling on for some time longer I found +my way to Henry Lord's, a farmer with whom I was acquainted. He gave me a +room in which I lay hidden from the officers for two days and nights. From +this place I went to my father's, and although the officers came there two +or three times, I escaped arrest. It is impossible to give the reader the +faintest idea of my condition. Without money, clothes, or friends, an +outcast, hunted like a wild beast, I had only one thing left--my horrible +appetite, at all times fierce and now maddening in the extreme. My hands +trembled, my face was bloated, and my eyes were bloodshot. I had almost +ceased to look like a human. Hope had flown from me, and I was in complete +despair. I moved about over my father's farm like one walking in sleep, the +veriest wretch on the face of the earth. My real condition not unfrequently +pressed upon me until, in an agony of desperation, I would put my swollen +hands over my worse than bloated face and groan aloud, while tears scalding +hot streamed down over my fingers and arms. I staid at home a number of +days. At first I had no thought of quitting drink. I was too crazed in mind +to think clearly on any subject. After two or three days, I became very +nervous for lack of my accustomed stimulants; then I got so restless that I +could not sleep, and for nights together I scarcely closed my aching eyes. +Long as the days seemed, the nights were longer still. At the end of two +weeks I began to have a more clear or less muddied conception of my +condition, and a faint hope came to me that I might yet conquer the +appetite which was taking me through utter ruin of body, to the eternal +death of body and soul. The reader must not think that I thought I could by +my own strength save myself. I prayed often and fervently. However strange +it may sound it is nevertheless true, that, notwithstanding the degraded +life I have lived, I have covered it with prayer as with a garment, and +with as sincere prayer, too, as ever rose from the lips of pain and sin. My +unimaginable sufferings have impelled me to seek earnestly for an escape +from the torments which go out beyond the grave. None can ever be made to +realize how much pain and agony I experienced during these first weeks I +spent at home and abstained from liquor, nor can any know how much I +resisted. At that time I had not the least thought of lecturing. Many +times, when getting over a spree, I had, in the presence of people, given +expression to the agonies that were consuming me, and at such times I did +not fail to pay my respects to alcohol in a way (the only way) it deserves. +My friends advised me to lecture on temperance, and I now began to think of +their words. Was it my duty to go forth and tell the world of the horrors +of intemperance, and warn all people to rise against this great enemy? If +so, I would gladly do it. I began to prepare a lecture. It would help me to +pass away the time, if nothing more came of it. It has been nearly four +years since I delivered that lecture. I will give a history of my first +effort and succeeding ones, with what was said about me, in the next +chapter.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch11">CHAPTER XI.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At Rushville-- +Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the stage and +am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old coat and +stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make a lecture +tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude of the press-- +The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind criticism--Tattle +mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to commit suicide-- +Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask the sheriff to lock +me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of '74--"Local option."</p> + +<p> +I delivered my first lecture at Raleigh, the scene of many of my most +disgraceful debauches and most lamentable misfortunes. The evening +announced for my lecture was unpropitious. Late in the afternoon a cold, +disagreeable rain set in, and lasted until after dark. The roads were +muddy, and in places nearly impassable. I did not expect on reaching the +hall, or school house, or church in which I was to speak, to find much of +an audience, but I was agreeably disappointed; for while the house was by +no means "packed," there was still a fair audience. Raleigh had turned out +en masse, men, women and children. I suppose they were curious to hear what +I had to say, and they heard it if I am not much in error. I was much +embarrassed when I first began to speak--more so than I have ever been +since, even when in the presence of thousands. I did the best I could, and +the audience expressed very general satisfaction. I think some of my +statements astounded them a trifle, but they soon recovered and listened +with profound and respectful attention. My next appointment was at +Fairview. Here, as at Raleigh, I had often been seen during some of my wild +sprees, and here, as at Raleigh, the people came out in force to hear me. I +improved on my first lecture, I think, and felt emboldened to make a more +ambitious effort. I settled on Rushville as the next most desirable place +to afflict, and made arrangements to deliver my lecture there. A number of +the best young men in the town of the class that never used liquor, but who +had always sympathized with me, went without my consent or knowledge to the +ministers of the different churches, and had them announce that on the next +Monday evening Luther Benson, "the reformed drunkard," would lecture in the +Court House. I was nervous from the want of my accustomed stimulants, and +the added dread of appearing before an audience before whose members I had +so many times covered myself with shame, and in whose Court House--the very +place in which I was to speak--I had been several times indicted for +violations of the law, almost caused me to break my engagement. While still +hesitating on what course to take, whether to go before the audience or go +home and hang myself, the dreaded Monday evening came, and with it came my +friends to escort me to the stage, which had been extemporized for me. I +waited until the last moment before entering the room.</p> + +<p>On making my appearance I was greeted with applause, but instead of +reassuring me, it frightened me almost out of my wits. However, it was too +late to retreat, and so making up my mind to die, if necessary, on the +spot, or succeed, I hastily threw off my father's old and threadbare +overcoat (I had none of my own) and stood forth in a full dress coat, which +showed much ill treatment, and immediately began my lecture. As I warmed to +my work, and got interested, I forgot my embarrassment and talked with ease +and volubility. I did not fail, in proof of which I have only to add that +on the following day I met Ben. L. Smith on the street, and on the strength +of my lecture, he went my security for a respectable coat and pair of +boots.</p> + +<p>From Rushville I started on a lecture tour, taking in Dublin, Connersville, +Cambridge City, Shelbyville, Knightstown, Newcastle, and other places. By +degrees I widened the field of my lectures until it embraced the whole of +Indiana and parts of many other States. In a little more than three years I +have spoken publicly four hundred and seventy times in Indiana alone. From +the very first I have been warmly and generously supported by the press. +There have been exceptions in the case of a few papers, but they were only +the exceptions. Since my first effort to reform, all good people have aided +me. But from the very first I have had to fight opposition and falsehood. I +have been accused of being drunk when I was sober, and outrageous +falsehoods have been told about me when the truth would have been bad +enough. After I had got fairly started to lecture I had always one object +paramount, and that was to save myself from the drunkard's terrible fate +and doom. After a short time men who drank would come to me and +congratulate me, saying that I had opened their eyes, and that from that +day forward they would drink no more liquor. Mothers, wives, and sisters, +who had sons, husbands, and brothers that indulged in the fatal habit, came +to me and encouraged me by telling me how much good I had done them. I +began to feel a strong additional motive to lecture and save others. And +here I wish to say that my efforts to save all men whom I met that were in +danger (and all are in danger who touch liquor in any form) of the curse, +have been the cause of much unkind criticism. People have said: "O, well, +we don't believe Benson is in earnest. He don't seem to try very hard to +quit drinking himself. He doesn't keep the right sort of company," and so +on. This was the language of men who never drank. I have had drinking men +by the score come to me with tears in their eyes, and beg to know if there +was any escape from the curse. Since taking the lecture field I have paid +out in actual money over a thousand dollars to aid men and families in +trouble caused by the use of liquor. I have the first one yet to turn away +when I had anything to give. I have more than once robbed myself to aid +others. Oftentimes my labor and money have been thrown away, but I have the +satisfaction of knowing that I did my duty. In some cases, thank heaven! I +have cause to know that my efforts were not in rain.</p> + +<p>For ten months from the time I quit drinking and began to lecture, I +averaged one lecture a day. I lived on the work and its excitement, making +it take, as far as possible, the place of alcohol. I learned too late that +this was the very worst thing I could have done. I was all the time +expending the very strength I so much needed for the restoration of my +shattered system. For ten months, lacking two days, I fought my appetite +for whisky day and night. I waged a continued, never-ceasing, never-ending +battle, with what earnestness and desire to conquer the God to whom I so +fervently prayed all that time alone knows, and he alone knows the agony of +my conflicts. I dreamed that I was wildly drunk night after night, and I +would rise from my bed in the morning more weary than when, tired and worn +out from overwork, I sought rest. The horror of such dreams can be known +only to those who have experienced them. The shock to my nervous system +from a sudden and complete cessation of the use of all stimulating drinks +was of itself a fearful thing to encounter. I was often so nervous that, +for nights at a time, I got little or no sleep. The least noise would cause +me to tremble with fear. I suffered all the while more than any can ever +know, save those who have gone through the same hell. The manners and +actions often induced by my sufferings and an abiding sense of my +afflictions not infrequently militated against me. It has often been said: +"He acts very strangely--must have been drinking." Again: "I believe he +uses opium." These assertions may have been honestly made, but they were +none the less utterly false. If people could only know just how much the +drunkard suffers; how sad, lonesome, gloomy and wretched he feels while +trying to resist the accursed appetite which is destroying him, they would +never taunt him with doubts, nor go to him, as I have had men, and even +women, come to me (I say "men and women," but they were neither men nor +women, but libels on men and women), and say that this or that person had +said that that or this person had heard some other person tell another +person that he, she, or it believed that I, Luther Benson, had been +drinking on such and such an occasion; or that some one told Mr. B., who +told Miss X.T. that J.B. had said to Madam Z. that such and such a one had +actually told T.Y. that O.M.U. had seen three men who had heard of four +other men who said they could find two women who had overheard a man say +that he had seen a man who had seen me with two men that had a bottle of +something which he felt pretty sure was Robinson county whisky. Therefore +B. was drunk!</p> + +<p>These things had the effect on me that this account will probably have on +the reader--they annoyed me exceedingly at times. At times the falsehoods +were more malicious still, causing me many sleepless hours. At the end of +ten months of complete sobriety, during which I never tasted any stimulant- +-ten months of constant struggle and determined effort--I fell. Alas, that +I am compelled to write the sad words! I had broken down my strength; my +mental and physical energies gave way, and my appetite had wrapped itself +as a flaming fire about me, consuming me in its heat. I commenced drinking +at Charlottsville, Henry county, and went from there to Knightstown on a +Saturday evening. On the following Monday I went to Indianapolis drunk, and +there got "dead drunk." My friends in Rushville, hearing of my misfortune, +came after me and took me with them to that place, where I remained utterly +oblivious until the next Sunday, when, by some means--I have no knowledge +how--I got on an early train that was passing through Rushville, and went +as far as Columbus, where I got off, and soon succeeded in getting a quart +of liquor. Between the hour of my arrival at Columbus and night I drank +three bottles of whisky.</p> + +<p>That night I returned to Rushville, and while mad with liquor, made an +attempt on my life by cutting my throat. Well for me that my knife was dull +and did not penetrate to the jugular artery. The wound self-inflicted was +an ugly but not dangerous one. I kept on drinking for a week or more, until +I found that it was utterly out of my power to resist drinking so long as I +remained in a place where I could see, or buy, or beg whisky. I finally +went to the sheriff and asked him to lock me up in jail, which I finally +persuaded him to do. Once in jail I tried in vain to get more liquor. I +remained there until the fierce fires of my appetite smouldered once more, +and then I was released. I lay in bed sick several days at this time, sick +in mind, soul, and body. I felt that for me there was nothing left. I had +descended to the lowest depths. I was forever ruined and undone. Many who +had said that I would not or could not stop drinking seemed to be delighted +over my terrible misfortune. The smile with which they would say, "I told +you so!" was devilish and fiendish. But many friends gathered about me and +cheered me with hope that by renewed effort I might rise again. Well and +truly did a great English poet, Campbell, I believe, say:--</p> + +<blockquote> + "Hope springs eternal in the human heart." +</blockquote> + +<p>I determined once more that I would not give up, I would fight my tireless +enemy while a breath of life or an atom of reason remained in my being.</p> + +<p>It was now July, 1874. An exciting political campaign was coming off, the +main issue was "local option." I took the side and became an advocate of +local option, and until the election in October, averaged one speech per +day, frequently traveling all night in order to meet my engagements. That +campaign broke me down completely, and on the first of November I again +yielded, after a prolonged and desperate struggle, to the powers of my +sleepless and tireless adversary. So terrible were the consequences of this +fall that in the hope of preventing others from ever indulging in the +ruinous habit which led to it, I wrote out and published a full account of +it under the title of "Luther Benson's Struggle for Life." Inasmuch as this +book will be incomplete without it, I will embody that brochure in the next +chapter, so that those who have never read it may now do so, if they +desire.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch12">CHAPTER XII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no man +should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the Galt House-- +The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in Cincinnati--The +delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick that turned to a +serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to Connersville, Indiana- +-My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and torments--The horrid sights +of a drunkard's madness.</p> + +<p> +Depraved and wretched is he who has practiced vice so long that he curses +it while he yet clings to it; who pursues it because he feels a terrible +power driving him on toward it, but, reaching it, knows that it will gnaw +his heart, and make him roll himself in the dust. Thus it has been, and +thus it is, with me. The deep, surging waters have gone over me. But out of +their awful, black depths, could I be heard, I would cry out to all who +have just set a foot in the perilous flood. For I am not one of those who, +if they themselves must die the death most terrible and appalling of all +others, would drag or even persuade one other soul to accompany them. But +as the oblivious waves are surging about me, and as I try to brave and +buffet them, I would cry to others not to come to me. When but just gasping +and throwing up my hand for the last time, it would not be to clutch, but, +if possible, to push back to safety. Could the youth who has just begun to +taste wine, and the young man his first drink--to whom it is as delicious +as the opening scenes of a visionary life, or the entering into some newly- +discovered paradise where scenes of undimmed glory burst upon his vision-- +but see the end of all that, and what comes after, by looking into my +desolation, and be made to understand what a dark and dreary thing it is +for a man to be made to feel that he is going over a precipice with his +eyes wide open, with a will that has lost power to prevent it; could he see +my hot, fevered cheeks, bloodshot eyes, bloated face, swollen fingers, +bruised and wounded body; could he feel the body of the death out of which +I cry hourly, with feebler and feebler outcry, to be delivered; could he +know how a constant wail comes up and out from my bleeding heart, and begs +and pleads with a great agony to be delivered from this awful demon, drink; +could these truths but go home to the hearts and minds of the young men of +the land; could they feel for but one single moment what I am compelled to +live, and battle, and endure day in, and day out, until the days drag +themselves into weeks that seem like months, and months that seem like +years, striving all the time, a living, walking, talking death, and cares, +pleasures, and joys, all gone, yet compelled to endure and live, or rather +die, on; could every young man feel these things as I am compelled to feel +and bear them, it seems to me that it would be enough to make them, while +they yet have the power to do it, dash the sparkling damnation to the earth +in all the pride of its mantling temptation.</p> + +<p>At the very threshold of blooming manhood I found myself subject to all the +disadvantages which mankind, if they reflected upon them, would hesitate to +impose upon acknowledged guilt. In every human countenance I feared to find +an enemy. I shrank from the vigilance of human eyes. I dared not open my +heart to the best affections of our nature, for a drunkard is supposed to +have no love. I was shut up within my own desolation--a deserted, solitary +wretch in the midst of my species. I dared not look for the consolation of +friendship, for a drunkard is always the subject of suspicion and distrust, +and is not supposed to be possessed of those finer feelings that find men +as friends. Thus, instead of identifying myself with the joys and sorrows +of others, and exchanging the delicious gifts of confidential sympathy, I +was compelled to shrink back and listen to the horrid words, You are a +drunkard--words the very mention or thought of which has ten thousand times +carried despair to my heart, and made me gasp and pant for breath. Thus it +was at the very opening of life, and thus it ever has been, and thus it is +to-day. I have struggled, and with streaming eyes tried to wrench the +chains from my bruised and torn body. My weary and long-continued struggles +led to no termination. Termination! No! The lapse of time, that cures all +other things, but makes my case more desperate. For there is no rest for +me. Whithersoever I remove myself, this detestable, hated, sleepless, +never-tiring enemy is in my rear. What a dark, mysterious, unfeeling, +unrelenting tyrant! Is it come to this? When Nero and Caligula swayed the +Roman scepter, it was a fearful thing to offend the bloody rulers. The +Empire had already spread itself from climate to climate, and from sea to +sea. If their unhappy victim fled to the rising of the sun, where the +luminary of day seems to us first to ascend from the waves of the ocean, +the power of the tyrant was still behind him; if he withdrew to the west, +to Hesperian darkness and the shores of barbarian Thule, still he was not +safe from his gore-drenched foe. Rum! Whisky! Alcohol! Fiend! Monster! +Devil! Art thou the offspring in whom the lineaments of these tyrants are +faithfully preserved? Was the world, with all its climates, made in vain +for thy helpless, unoffending victim?</p> + +<p>To me the sun brings no return of day. Day after day rolls on, and my state +is immutable. Existence is to me a scene of melancholy. Every moment is a +moment of anguish, with a trembling fear that the coming period will bring +a severer fate. We talk of the instruments of torture, but there is more +torture in the lingering existence of a man that is in the iron clutches of +a monster that has neither eyes, nor ears, nor bowels of compassion; a +venomous enemy that can never be turned into a friend; a silent, sleepless +foe, that shuts out from the light of day, and makes its victim the +associate of those whom society has marked for her abhorrence; a slave +loaded with fetters that no power can break; cut off from all that +existence has to bestow; from all the high hopes so often conceived; from +all the future excellence the soul so much desires to imagine. No language +can do justice to the indignant and soul-sickening loathing that these +ideas excite. A thousand times I have longed for death, and wished, with an +expressible ardor, for an end to what I suffered. A thousand times I have +meditated suicide, and ruminated in my soul upon the different means of +escaping from my load of existence. A thousand times in wretched bitterness +I have asked myself, What have I to do with life? I have seen and felt +enough to make me regard it with detestation. Why should I wait the +lingering process of an unfeeling tyrant that is slowly tearing me to +pieces, and not dare so much as die but when and how the marble-hearted +thing decrees? Still, some inexplicable suggestion withheld my hand, and +caused me to cling with desperate fondness to this shadow of existence, its +mysterious attractions, and its hopeless prospects--appetite, fiendish +thirst, a burning, ever-crying demand for a poison that is death, and for +which a man will give his body and soul as a sacrifice to whoever will +satisfy his imperious cravings. Let this appetite entwine itself about a +man, let it throw its iron arms about his bruised body, and he will curse +the day he was born. But some one says, Why don't you quit? Just don't +drink! In answer I would say, O God, give me poverty, shower upon me all +the hardships of life, turn me a prey to the wild beasts of the desert, so +I be never again the victim of rum. Suffer me to call life and the pursuit +of life my own, free from the appetite for alcohol, and I am willing to +hold them at the mercy of the elements, the hunger of beasts, or the +revenge of cold-blooded men. All of these, rather than the poison of the +accursed cup.</p> + +<p>Solitude! separation! banishment! These are words often in the mouths of +human beings; but few men except myself have been permitted to feel the +full latitude of their meaning. The pride of philosophy has taught us to +treat man as an individual. He is no such thing. He holds, necessarily, +indispensably, a relation to his species. He is like those twin births that +have two heads and four hands, but if you attempt to detach them from each +other, they are inevitably subjected to a miserable and lingering +destruction. If a man wants to conceive a lively idea of the regions of the +damned, just let him get himself in that condition that he is alone with an +enemy while he is surrounded by society and his friends--an enemy that is +like what has been described as the eye of Omniscience pursuing the guilty +sinner and darting a ray that awakens him to a new sensibility at the very +moment that otherwise exhausted nature would lull him into a temporary +oblivion of the reproaches of his conscience. No walls can hide me from the +discernment of my hated foe. Everywhere his industry in unwearied, to +create for me new distress. Never can I count upon an instant of security; +never can I wrap myself in the shroud of oblivion. The minutes in which I +do not actually perceive and feel my destroyer are contaminated and blasted +with the certain expectation of speedy interference. Thus it has been, and +thus it is to-day, and with every returning day.</p> + +<p>Tyrants have trembled, surrounded by whole armies of their janizaries. +Alcohol--venomous serpent! robber and reviler!--what should make thee +inaccessible to my fury? I will unfold a tale! I will show thee to the +world for what thou art, and all the men that read shall confess my truth! +Whisky--abhorrer of nature, the curse of the human species!--the earth can +only be freed from an insupportable burden by thy extermination! Rum-- +poisoner! destroyer! that spits venom all around, and leaves the ground +infected with slime! Accursed poison-makers and poison-dispensers!--do you +imagine that I am altogether passive; a mean worm, organized to feel +sensations of pain, but having no emotion of resentment? Did you imagine +that there was no danger in inflicting on me pains, however great; +miseries, however direful? Do you believe me impotent, imbecile, and idiot- +like, with no understanding to contrive my escape and thy ruin, and no +energy to perpetrate it? I will tell the end of thy infernal works. The +country, in justice, shall hear me. I would that I had the language of +fire, that my words might glow, and burn, and drop like molten lava, that I +might wipe you from the face of the earth, or persuade mankind to turn away +and starve you to death. Think you that I would regret the ruin that had +overwhelmed you? Too long I have been tender-hearted and forbearing. +Whisky, whisky sellers and whisky makers, traffickers and dealers in tears, +blood, sin, shame, and woe!--ten thousand times you have dipped your bloody +talons in my blood. There is no evil you have scrupled to accumulate upon +me! Neither will I be more scrupulous. You have shown me no mercy, and you +shall receive none.</p> + +<p>Let us look at the rumseller, that we may know what manner of man he is, +and then ask if he deserves the pity, sympathy, or respect of society, or +any part of it. Viewed considerately, in the light of their respective +motives, the drunkard is an innocent and honorable man in comparison with +the retailer of drinks. The one yields under the impulse--it may be the +torture--of appetite; the other is a cool, mercenary speculator, thriving +on the frailties and vices of others. He is a man selling for gain what he +knows to be worthless and pernicious; good for none, dangerous for all, and +deadly to many. He has looked in the face the sure consequences of his +course, and if he can but make gain of it, is prepared to corrupt the +souls, embitter the lives, and blast the prosperity of an indefinite number +of his fellow-creatures. By the selling of his poisons he sees that with +terrible certainty, along with the havoc of health, lives, homes, and souls +of men, he can succeed in setting afloat a certain vast amount of property, +and that as it is thrown to the winds, some small share of it will float +within his grasp. He knows that if men remain virtuous and thrifty, if +these homes around him continue peaceful and joyous, his craft can not +prosper. The injured old mothers, the wives, and the sisters are found +where rum is sold. Orphan children throng from hut and hovel, and lift +their childish hands in supplication, asking at the hands of the guilty +whisky sellers for those who rocked their cradles, and fed and loved them. +The murderer, now sober and crushed, lifts his manacled hands, red with +blood, and charges his ruin upon the men who crazed his brain with rum. The +felon comes from his prison tomb, the pauper from his dark retreat, where +the rumseller has driven him to seek an evening's rest and a pauper's +grave. From ten thousand graves the sheeted dead stalk forth, and with +eyeless sockets and bared teeth, grin most ghastly scorn at their +destroyers. The lost float up in shadowy forms, and wail in whispered +despair. Angels turn weeping away, and God, upon his throne, looks in +anger, and hurls a woe upon the hand which "putteth a bottle to his +neighbor's lips to make him drunken." To balance all this fearful array of +mischief and woe, flowing directly from his work, the dealer in ardent +spirits can bring nothing but the plea that appetite has been gratified. +There are profits, to be sure. Death finds it the most liberal purveyor for +his horrid banquet, and hell from beneath it is moved with delight at the +fast-coming profits of the trade; and the seller also gets gain. Death, +hell, and the rumseller--beyond this partnership none are profited. Go and +shake their bloody hands, you who will! The time will be when deep down in +hell these miserable, blood-stained wretches will pant for one drop of +water, and curse the day and hour that they ever sold one drop of liquor.</p> + +<p>The experience of ages proves that the use of intoxicating agents +invariably tends to engender a burning appetite for more; and he who +indulges in them shall do it at the peril of contracting a passionate and +rabid thirst for them, which shall ultimately overmaster the will of his +victim, and drag him, unresisting, to his ruin. No man can put himself +under the influence of alcoholic stimulants without incurring the risk of +this result. It may not be perceptible at once. It may be interrupted, and +while the bonds are yet feeble he may escape. But let the habit go forward, +the excitement be often repeated, and soon a deep-wrought physical effect +will be produced; a headlong and almost delirious appetite, of the nature +of a physical necessity, will have seized the whole man as with iron arms, +and crushed from his heart the power of self-control.</p> + +<p>My whole nature was almost constantly demanding and crying out for +stimulants. During the period that I abstained from them, and for two weeks +before I touched or tasted them the last time, my agony was unbearable. In +my sleep I dreamed that I was drinking, and dreamed that I was drunk. Day +by day my appetite grew fiercer and more unbearable, until in my misery I +walked my floor hour after hour, unable to sleep, and feeling that if I lay +down I should die. One night, about a week before I yielded, I walked my +room until midnight, suffering the torments of hell. I felt that I was +dying, and rushed out of my room and walked and ran across fields and +through the woods, panting and gasping for breath. I felt that my head was +bursting to pieces. My blood boiled, and hissed, and foamed through my +veins. I could feel my heart throb and beat as though it would burst out of +my body. At that time I would have torn the veins of my arms open, if I +could have drawn whisky from them. When light came, I found that I had +walked and run seven miles since leaving my room at midnight. All that day +I was burning up for liquor. Had I been where I could lay my hands on it, a +thousand times that day I would have drank though it steeped my soul in +rivers of death.</p> + +<p>In just this condition I went to Indianapolis to address the Woman's +Temperance Convention. I felt that I would drop dead before I finished my +speech. That night I did not sleep more than an hour, and that was a +miserable hour of sleep, in which I dreamed that I was drunk. I woke up +with a burning thirst, and sharp pains darting through my brain. The very +least noise would send a new pang to my head, and when I attempted to walk, +my own footsteps would jar upon my brain as though knives were driven +through it. The next day and night I fought it like a tiger, but my thirst +only increased, and then one gets tired at last of fighting an enemy all +day, knowing that he must confront that same enemy the next day, and the +next, for one can not live always on a strain, always in fear, and doubt, +and dread. The next day I started for Richmond, where I had business, +intending to go from there to Cincinnati and Covington, and thence East. I +got to Richmond, haunted, every inch of the road, with an inexpressible +longing for stimulants. When I got there, I knew that I was where I could +get a little rest from my intense suffering, for I could get whisky. When +the thought of what would be the result of touching it forced itself on my +mind, my agony was so terrible that I could feel the sweat streaming down +my face, and I could have wrung water from my hair.</p> + +<p>If ever there was a man in ruins, a perfect spectacle of utter desolation, +I was that man, as I stood in the depot at Richmond, burning up for whisky. +Had I been standing on red-hot embers my sufferings could not have been +more intense. I feel that I can almost hear some one say, "Why did you not +pray? just go and ask God to help you." I have been told to do that ten +thousand times by good-meaning men and women, who do not know how to pray +as I do, and never will until (which God forbid) they have suffered as I +have. I did pray, and beg, and plead for mercy and help, but the heavens +were solid brass and the earth hard iron, and God did not hear or heed my +prayers. Talk about having the appetite for stimulants removed by prayer! +That appetite is just as much the part of a man as his hand, heart, brain, +or any other part of his body. Every one of God's laws are unchangeable and +immutable. The day of miracles is over. When one of God's creatures +violates his laws, he must pay the penalty; and I think it would be far +better to educate the rising generation that there is no escape for them +from the consequences of their acts, than to preach them into the belief +that they may for years pursue a course of dissipation, violate every law +of their being, and then by prayer have the chains of habit stricken off +and be restored whole.</p> + +<p>Then there is another class of individuals who have said to me, "When you +get into that condition, when you feel that you must have liquor, why don't +you just take a little in moderation?" Moderation! A drink of liquor is to +my appetite what a red-hot coal of fire is to a keg of dry powder. You can +just as easily shoot a ball from a cannon's mouth moderately, or fire off a +magazine slowly, as I can drink liquor moderately. When I take one drink, +if it is but a taste, I must have more, if I knew hell would burst out of +the earth and engulf me the next instant. I am either perfectly sober, with +no smell f of liquor about me, or I am very drunk. Some of those moderate +drinkers, who are increasing their moderation a little every day, and also +some pretended temperance people, who are always suspicious of others, +because they are sneaking, cowardly, sly, deceitful and treacherous +themselves, are constantly asking me if I do not drink a little all the +time. And then they say I use morphine and opium. There is nothing that has +made me more wretched, and done more to weaken and drag me down, than the +continued accusation of doing something that it is just as impossible for +me to do as it would be to live without breathing; that is, to take a drink +of liquor without getting drunk. And if there is any one thing that will +make me hate a man--loathe, abhor, and despise him--it is to have him +accuse me of drinking or using any kind of stimulants regularly and +moderately. I just want to say here, now, and for all time, that they who +thus accuse me, lie in their teeth, mouth, throat, and away down deep in +their dirty, cowardly, craven, black hearts.</p> + +<p>I walked from the depot in Richmond--or, rather, almost ran--until I came +to a drug store kept by a young man I have known for five or six years. He +keeps nearly all drugs in barrels, well watered, and drinks them regularly, +and, as he calls it, moderately. That is to say, he has not been sober for +five years. Always full, bloated, imbecile, idiotic--has no idea of quiting +himself, and would suffer as keenly as any brute is capable of suffering, +at the thought of any one else who is in the habit of drinking becoming a +sober man. When I went in, he was leaning back in a chair dozing, dreaming, +drunk, or as drunk as that kind of a man generally gets. I asked him for +whisky. He straightened up, and a more fiendish gleam of joy than lit up +his brutal face never sat upon the hideous countenance of a fiend fresh +from hell. He got up to get me the liquor, saying at the same time, "I will +bet you five dollars you are drunk before night." I looked at him, saw the +smile of joy, and the intense pleasure that my getting drunk was going to +afford him. Suffering, choking, and almost bereft of reason, as I was, his +look and act caused me to hesitate and wonder what manner of man it was +that was so utterly base and heartless as to rejoice at the ruin of one +whose continued prayer is to live and die sober. Then and there I prayed +God to deliver me from such friends, and keep me from their accursed +influence. Hell knows no blacker deformity than that which would drag a +fellow-creature again to degradation. Satan was as much a friend of human +happiness when he slimed into Eden. In my very youth, I made a resolve that +I never would, knowingly, stand in the path of any man and a better life: +that I would never do anything to prevent a man from leading a better life, +and I have never broken that resolution. I gathered strength and courage +enough, by a desperate effort, to get out of the store without drinking, +and started in an opposite direction from where anything was kept to drink.</p> + +<p>I had gone but a short distance, when there was no longer any enduring of +the torture. I turned back and went into another drug store, and told the +proprietor that I was sick, and asked him for whisky with some kind of +medicine in it. The man who gave it was not to blame, for he knew nothing +about me, nor the fiendish thirst with which I was possessed; and while he +was not more than a minute getting the liquor for me, it seemed an age, and +when I took the glass, I read "death" in it just as plainly as ever "death" +was written upon the field of battle. I hesitated a moment, while something +whispered, "Death!" I struggled, but could not let go of the glass. I felt +the hot, scalding tears come in my eyes. I thought if I could only die-- +just drop dead; but I could not, yet I felt that I was dying ten thousand +deaths all the time! I lifted the glass and drank death and damnation! I +drank the red blood of butchery and the fiery beverage of hell! It glowed +like hot lava in my blood, and burned upon my tongue's end. A smouldering +fire was kindled. A wild glow shot through every vein, and within my +stomach the demon was aroused to his strength. I had now but one thought, +but one burning desire that was consuming me--that was for more drink! It +crept to my fingers' ends, and out in a burning flush upon my cheek. +Drink!--DRINK! I would have had it then if I had been compelled to go to +hell for it! But I got it just one step this side the regions of the +damned. I went to a saloon and commenced to pour it down, and continued +until I was crazed. All power over my appetite was gone; I was oblivious to +everything around me. I took the train for Cincinnati. I have a dim, +shuddering remembrance of some parties at the depot trying to keep me from +taking the cars. I don't know who they were, or what they said. I got to +the city that night, and staid at the Galt House. I have no remembrance of +anything from the time I left Richmond until I awoke next day about ten +o'clock, with an aching head, swollen tongue, burnt, black, parched lips, +and a thirst for whisky that was maddening. Death would have been kindness +compared to what I suffered that morning.</p> + +<p>And here let me ask the reader to indulge me for a while, that I may +explain just the condition I was in, both physically and mentally. I know +just how much charity I am to expect and receive from the corrupt +wilderness of human society, for it is a rank and rotten soil, from which +every shrub draws poison as it grows. All that in a happier field and purer +air would expand into virtue and germinate into usefulness is converted +into henbane and deadly nightshade. I know how hard it is to get human +society to regard one's acts as other than his deliberate intentions. But +of being a drunkard by choice, and because I have not cared for the +consequences, I am innocent. I can say, and speak the truth, that there is +not a person on earth less capable than myself of recklessly and purposely +plunging himself into shame, suffering and sin. I will never believe that a +man, conscious of innocence, can not make other men perceive that he has +that thought. I have been miserable all my life. I have been harshly +treated by mankind, in being accused of wickedly doing that which I abhor, +and against which I have fought with every energy I possessed. The greatest +aggravation of my life has been that I could not make mankind believe, or +understand, my real and true condition. I can safely affirm that a blasted +character, and the curses that have clung to my name, have all of them been +slight misfortunes compared to this. I have for years endeavored to sustain +myself by the sense of my integrity; but the voice of no man on earth +echoed to the voice of my conscience. I called aloud, but there was none to +answer; there was none that regarded. To me the whole world has been as +unhearing as the tempest, and as cold as the iceberg. Sympathy, the +magnetic virtue, the hidden essence of our life, was extinct. Nor has this +been the whole sum of my misery. The food so essential to an intelligent +existence, seemed perpetually renewing before me in its fairest colors, +only the more effectually to elude my grasp and to attack my hunger. Ten +thousand times I have been prompted to unfold the affections of my soul, +only to be repelled with the greatest anguish, until my reflections +continually center upon and within myself, where wretchedness and sorrow +dwell, undisturbed by one ray of hope and light. It seems to me that any +person but a fool would know that I had not purposely led the life of +misery that has marked my steps for fifteen years. It would have been +merciful in comparison, if I had planted a dagger in my heart, for I have +suffered an anguish a thousand times worse than death. I would have had +liquor that morning at Cincinnati if I had known that one single drink +would have obliterated my body, soul, and spirit. I had no power to resist; +and to prove that I was powerless, let us see what effect alcohol, in its +physiological aspect, exerts.</p> + +<p>Alcohol possesses three distinct properties, and consequently produces a +threefold physiological effect.</p> + +<p>1. It has a nervine property, by which it excites the nervous system +inordinately, and exhilarates the brain.</p> + +<p>2. It has a stimulating property, by which it inordinately excites the +muscular motions, and the actions of the heart and blood-vessels.</p> + +<p>3. It has a narcotic property. The operation of this property is to suspend +the nervous energies, and soothe and stupefy the subject.</p> + +<p>Now, any article possessing either one, or but two of these properties, +without the other, is a simple and harmless thing compared with alcohol. It +is only because alcohol possesses this combination of properties, by which +it operates on various organs, and affects several functions in different +ways at one and the same time, that its potency is so dreadful, and its +influence so fascinating, when once the appetite is thoroughly depraved by +its use. It excites and calms, it stimulates and prostrates, it disturbs +and soothes, it energizes and exhausts, it exhilarates and stupefies +simultaneously. Now, what rational man would ever pretend that in going +through a long course of fever, when his nerves were impaired, his brain +inflamed, his blood fermenting, and his strength reduced, that he would be +able, through all the commotion and change of organism, to govern his +tastes, control his morbid cravings, and regulate his words, thoughts and +actions? Yet these same persons will accuse, blame, and curse the man who +does not control his appetite for alcohol, while his stomach is inflamed, +blood vitiated, brain hardened, nerves exhausted, senses perverted, and all +his feelings changed by the accursed stuff with which he has been poisoning +himself to death, piecemeal, for years, and which suddenly, and all at +once, manifests its accumulated strength over him. In sixteen months I have +fought a thousand battles, every one more fearful than the soldier faces +upon the field of conflict, where it rains lead and hails shot and shell, +and I have been victorious nine hundred and ninety-eight times. How many of +these who blame me would have been more successful? A man does not come out +of the flames of alcohol and heal himself in a day. It is struggle and +conflict, and woe; but at last, and finally, it is glorious victory. And if +my friends will not forsake me, I will promise them a victory over rum that +shall be complete and entire. I have neither the heart nor the desire to +attempt a description of my drunk at Cincinnati. Those who have never been +in that condition could not understand it; and to those who have, it needs +no description.</p> + +<p>I was at the Gait House for about ten days, and during all that time I was +as oblivious to all that was passing as if I had been dead and buried; I +did not know day from night. I have no remembrance of eating anything +during the whole time I was there. I only remember a burning thirst for +whisky that seemed to be consuming me. The more I drank, the more I wanted. +After the first four nights I could get no sleep, so I just staid up and +drank all night, until, for the want of slumber, my whole body was torn +with torment for long days and nights. I knew from former experience what +was the awful ending! None who have ever even seen a victim cursed with +delirium tremens will ever wish to look upon the like again. No human +language can describe it; but its scenes burn in the eyeball so deeply that +they never pass away. During the time, all the dread enginery of hell is +planted in the victim's brain and he subject to its terrible torments. Most +persons laugh at the idea of one having the tremens, and think it a sign of +weakness. But there is more disgrace and shame for the man who can drink +liquor to intoxication for ten years, and escape the drunkard's madness, +than there is for the man who has had the tremens two or three times during +that period. Tremens are brought about by the effects of the liquor upon +the brain and nerves, and the less brain or nerves a man has the less +liable he is to be a subject of the tremens. While in this situation the +victim imagines that everything is real, and thinks and believes every +object he sees actually exists. With this explanation, I will now proceed +to tell what I have seen, felt, and heard, while in that condition.</p> + +<p>I had felt the delirium tremens coming on for two or three days. I was just +standing on the verge of a mighty precipice, unable to retrace my steps, +and shuddering as I involuntarily leaned over and looked down into the +vortex which my wild and heated imagination opened before me; and I could +see the lost writhe, and hear them howl in their infernal orgies. The wail, +the curse, and the awful and unearthly ha! ha! came fearfully up before me. +I had got into that condition that not one drop of stimulants would remain +on my stomach. I had been vomiting for more than forty-eight hours every +drop that I drank. In that condition I went into a saloon and asked for a +drink; and as I tremblingly poured it out, a snake shot its head up out of +the liquor, and with swaying head, and glistening eye looking at me, licked +out its forked tongue, and hissed in my face. I felt my blood run cold and +curdle at my heart.</p> + +<p>I left the glass untouched, and walked out on the street. By a terrible +effort of my will, I, to some extent, shook off the terrible phantom. I +felt that if I could get some stimulants to remain on my stomach I might +escape the terrible torments that were gathering about me; and yet, at the +very thought of touching the accursed stuff again, I could see the head of +that snake, and could hear ten thousand hisses all around me, and feel it +writhing and crawling through every vein of my body; while at the same time +I was scorching and burning to death for more whisky. At that time I would +have marched across a mine with a match touched to it; I would have walked +before exploding cannons for more liquor. I went to another saloon, +thinking I might get a drink to stay on my stomach, and steady my nerves, +and give me strength to get home before I died; for I felt that this time +there could be no escape from death. This time I was afraid to touch the +bottle, and stood back, shaking and shuddering in every limb, while the +murderer poured out the whisky; and again that liquor turned to snakes, and +they crawled around the glass, and on the bar, and hissed, writhed, and +squirmed. Then in one instant they all coiled about each other, and matted +themselves into one snake, with a hundred heads; and from every head +glittering eyes gleamed, and forked tongues hissed at me. I rushed from the +saloon, and started, I did not know or care where, so that I might escape +my tormentors. I had walked but a short distance, when a dog as large as a +calf sprang up before me, and commenced to growl and snap at me. I picked +up a stick about three feet long, thinking to defend myself; but just as +soon as I took that stick in my hand, it turned to a snake. I could feel +its slimy body writhe and squirm in my hands, and in trying to hold it to +keep it from biting me, every finger-nail cut like a knife into the palm of +my hand, and the blood streamed down over that stick, that to me was a +living snake. Hell is a heaven compared to what I suffered at that time.</p> + +<p>At last I dashed the cursed thing from me, and ran for my life. I got to +some depot, I don't know what one, and took the cars. I didn't know or care +where I went; at about ten miles above Cincinnati I left the cars. At +times, for a little while, I could reason and understand my condition. I +found, on looking around, that I was in a little town, where a young man +lived who had been a college mate of mine. I went and told him my +condition, and he did for me everything that one friend can do for another. +But as night came on. my tormentors returned in ten thousand hideous forms, +and drove me raving mad. I went to a hotel, and there they persuaded me to +lie down. Just as soon as I got to bed I reached my hand over, and it +touched a cold, dead corpse. The room lighted up with a hundred bright +lights, and that corpse, that now appeared to me like nothing that had ever +been visible in human shape, opened its large, glassy, dead eyes, and +stared me in the face. Then its whole face and form turned to a demon, and +its red eyes glared at me, and its whole face was full of passion, +fierceness and frenzy. I shrank back from the loathsome monster. On looking +around, I beheld everything in my vision turn to a living devil. Chairs, +stand, bed, and my very clothes, took shape and form, and lived; and every +one of them cursed me. Then in one corner of my room, a form, larger and +more hideous than all the others, appeared. Its look was that of a witch, +or hag, or rather like descriptions that I had read of them. It marched +right up to me, with a face and look that will haunt me to my grave. It +began to talk to me, saying that it would thrust its fingers through my +ribs, and drink my blood; then it would stick out its long, bony, skeleton- +like fingers, that looked like sharp knives, and ha! ha! Then it said it +would sit upon me and press me to hell; that it would roast me with +brimstone, and dash my burnt entrails into my eyes. Saying this, it sprang +at me, and, for what seemed to me an age, I fought the unearthly thing. At +last it said, "Let me go!" and when it did, it glided to the door, and as +it went out, gave me a fiendish look, and said, "I will soon be back, with +all the legions of hell; I will be the death of you; you shall not be alive +one hour." I left my room, and just as soon as I touched the street I +stepped on a dead body. The whole pavement and street were filled; men, and +women, and little children, lying with their pale faces turned up to +heaven; some looked as though they were asleep; others had died in awful +agony, and their faces wore horrid contortions; while some had their eyes +burst from their heads. Every time I moved I stepped on a dead body, and it +would come to life, and rear up in my face; and when I would step on a baby +corpse it would wail in a plaintive, baby wail, and its dead mother would +come to life and rush at me, while a thousand devils would curse me for +stepping on the dead. I would tremble and beg, and try to find some place +to put my feet; but the dead were in heaps, and covered the whole ground, +so that I could neither walk nor stand without being on a corpse. If I +stepped, it was on a dead body, and it would rise up and throw its arms +about me, and curse me for trampling on it; and it was in this way that I +put in that whole night.</p> + +<p>When light dawned the horrible objects disappeared to some extent, and by a +terrible effort I was able to control my mind, and reason on my condition. +I was weak, nervous, and sick. I thought I would eat something, and try to +gain a little strength. The very moment that I sat down to the breakfast +table, every dish on that table turned to a living, moving, horrid object. +The plates, cups, knives and forks became turtles, frogs, scorpions, and +commenced to live and move toward me. I left the table without eating a +bite. I went back to the city that day. I had but just got there when I +wanted some whisky. I took a drink. During the day I drank as many as +twenty glasses of liquor, and by evening I had got myself so steadied that +I took the cars for home. I got as far as Connersville, where I remained +during the balance of my drunk. I kept drinking for three or four days, and +then commenced to vomit again. By this time I had got so weak that it was +with the greatest effort that I could stand on my feet or walk one step. I +felt the madness coming on again with tenfold fury. My terrible fear gave +me more strength. I left the house, and started out on the road, and in an +instant I was surrounded by what seemed a million of demons and devils; it +seemed as though hell had opened up before me. The earth burst open under +my feet, and hot, rolling flame was all around me. I could feel my hair and +eyebrows scorch and burn; then in a moment everything would change. I could +hear a thousand voices, all talking to me at the same time, and every one +threatening me with some horrid death; then I would be surrounded with wild +animals, fighting and tearing each other to pieces, and glaring at me, +while devils told me they would tear me to pieces; then a tiger took my +whole arm between his bloody jaws, and mashed and mangled it to pieces, and +tore that arm from my shoulder; then some fiend, in the shape of an old +hag, would come up and pour red-hot embers into the bleeding wound, from +which my arm had been torn. When I screamed in agony, devils would laugh a +horrid, devilish laugh. I looked down and saw a jug of liquor at my feet, +and when I reached down to get it I heard the click of a hundred pistols, +and a grinning black devil threw his claws over the jug; then devils and +witches boiled the whisky. I could see it on the fire, and hear it seethe +and foam; then they danced around me, and said they had the liquor so hot +that it would scald me to death; then they pried open my mouth, and poured +it down my throat. I could feel my brain bursting out of my head, as that +boiling liquor scalded and burned my tongue out of my mouth, and that +tongue turned to a snake, and with forked tongue hissed at me.</p> + +<p>The next thing I found myself standing on a railroad track; I could just +see the headlight of the engine and hear the faint rumble of the cars, and +when I tried to move off the track I found I was tied with a hundred ropes. +It seemed to me there were a hundred devils up in the air, and each one had +hold of a rope that was wound around my body in such a way that I could not +move. The cars were coming closer and closer, faster and faster; the light +of the engine looked like one horrid eye of fire; I could hear the rattle +and rush of a thousand wheels; it was coming right on me with the rapidity +of lightning. I could feel the beating of my heart, and my hair stood up +and shook and shivered. The engine ran up to me and stopped, the hot smoke +and steam choking and smothering me. The devils cursed and howled because +the cars did not run over me; they said the next time there would come sure +death; then they opened the doors of the engine, and threw in cats and +dogs, men, women, and children. I could hear them scream as the hot flames +wrapped themselves about them, until they would burst open; and that engine +was red-hot. I could see the grin of skeleton demons, as, with a horrid +curse, they motioned the engine to move back; and back, back it went, until +I could just see a faint light; then, at the wild, cursing, screaming +command of my tormentors, I could hear the cars coming again, faster and +faster, closer and closer, and that engine ran at me just that way all +night. It seemed just as real, and my sufferings were just as intense, as +if it had been a reality. When morning came the devils left me, swearing +that they would come back at night, and thus I was tortured all day with +the dread of what was coming again at night. That day, as I was walking, +hens and chickens would turn into little men and women; they were dressed +up in bloody clothes; they would surround me, and pick my body full of +holes; then they would pick my eyes out, and I could see my eyes dropping +from their bloody bills.</p> + +<p>When night came I went to my room. I could hear voices talking in all parts +of the house. They would gather about me and whisper and talk about some +way in which they would kill me; then the windows would be full of cats, +and I could feel little kittens in my pockets; and when I walked I would +step on kittens, and they would mew, and the old cats would howl and burst +through the windows, and claw me to pieces. Then devils would take live, +howling, squalling cats, and pound me with them until I was surrounded and +walled in with dead cats. The more I suffered, and the harder I tried to +escape, the more intense seemed their joy. The room would be full of every +loathsome insect; they would crawl, fly, and buzz around me, stinging me in +the face and eyes. Then the room would fill with rats and mice, and they +would run all over me. Then ten thousand devilish forms would all rush at +me. There were human forms of every size and shape. Some of them had the +face and look of a demon, and from every part of the room their eyes glared +at me; others had their throats gashed to the very spine, while every one +of them accused me of being the cause of their misery. Then devils and men +would rush at me and pin me to the wall of my room, by driving sharp, red- +hot spikes through my body. I could see and feel the blood streaming from +my wounds until my clothes were covered with it. Then they would take red- +hot irons, and burn and scrape my flesh from my bones. They would pull and +tear my teeth out, and dash them in my face. Then they would take sharp, +crooked knife blades, and run them through my body, and tear me to pieces, +and hold up before my eyes my bleeding, burned and quivering flesh, and it +would turn to bloody, hissing snakes. Then I looked and could see my coffin +and dead body. Then I came back to life again, and I heard voices under my +head cursing me, and saying that they would bury me alive. At this the +devils seized me, and I could feel myself flying through the air. At last +they stopped, and I heard a heavy door open. They dragged me into what they +told me was a vault, and, when I tried to escape, I found nothing but solid +walls. The floor was stone, and slippery and slimy. I could hear rats and +mice running over the floor. They would run up my sleeves and down my neck. +In trying to escape from them I struck a coffin; it fell on the hard stone +floor and burst open; then the room lighted up, and the skeleton from the +burst coffin stood up before me, and a long, slimy snake crawled up and +wrapped the skeleton to the very neck; and that horrid thing of bones, with +a living snake coiled all about it, walked up to me and laid its bony +fingers on my face. No language can give the least idea of the horrid +sights and sufferings in the drunkard's madness.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch13">CHAPTER XIII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the "Dare +to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names.</p> + +<p> +After recovering from the debauch just described, which I did in the course +of two or three days, I went East to the State of Maine, where I remained +about three months, lecturing in all the principal cities, and in some of +them a number of times. In Bangor, especially, I was warmly welcomed, and I +spoke there as often as ten times, each time to a crowded house. Dr. +Reynolds, the celebrated "Dare to do right" reformer, was at that time a +resident of Bangor, and I had the honor to make his acquaintance. While in +Bangor I made my headquarters at his office, and was much benefited and +strengthened by coming in contact with him. Days and weeks passed, and I +did not taste liquor, although at times, when depressed and tired from +over-work, I found it difficult in the extreme to resist the cravings of my +appetite.</p> + +<p>I returned to Indianapolis in the spring of 1875. I remained in Indiana, +lecturing almost daily, or nightly, until autumn, when I again started East +on a lecturing tour, which lasted eight months. During this time I averaged +one lecture per day. At times, for the space of an entire week, I did not +get as much sleep as I needed in one night, and the work I did in those +eight months was enough to break down the strongest and healthiest +constitution. I spoke in all the more notable cities and towns of +Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine. With regard to my success, I will +let the Eastern press speak for me. It is not from any motive of vanity +that I insert the following notices of the papers, but from a wish to +establish in the minds of my readers the fact that my labor was earnest, +and not without good results. These extracts are not given in the order in +which they appeared; I insert them, taken at random, from hundreds of a +similar character. The first is from the Boston Daily Advertiser:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Luther Benson, of Indiana, delivered a temperance lecture last evening +in Faneuil Hall, before a large and enthusiastic audience. * * *</p> + +<p>"The meeting was opened with prayer by the Rev. Mr. Cooke, of the Hanover +Street Bethel, after which, Mr. E.H. Sheafe introduced the lecturer. The +temperance theme is so old and long discussed that it seemed well-nigh +impossible to present its merits in a new and attractive way, but Mr. +Benson in a simple, straightforward manner, in language clothed with the +peculiar western freedom of speech, together with an accent of marked +broadness, held the undivided attention of his audience from the beginning +of his lecture to the close. The several stories told by the speaker seemed +to exactly suit the temper of his hearers, as the frequent applause +testified, and altogether it was probably one of the most satisfactory +temperance lectures ever delivered in this city. Mr. Benson, who is a +reformed drunkard, describes his trials and struggles in overcoming the +evils of intemperance in a very impressive manner, awakening a strong +interest for the cause which he pleads.</p> + +<p>"During his lecture Mr. Benson paid a marked compliment to the old hall in +which he was speaking, and the liberty of speech allowed within its +portals. Total Abstinence was the one thing needed throughout the land. +There could be no such thing as moderate drinking. Prohibition should be +enforced, and great results would necessarily follow."</p> + +<p>From the Boston Daily Evening Traveler I clip this concerning my lecture at +Chelsea:</p> + +<p>"Hawthorn Hall was crowded to the very gallery last evening with an +audience assembled to listen to a lecture on temperance by Luther Benson, +Esq., of Indiana. Mr. Benson is one of the most powerful and eloquent +orators that have ever stood before an audience. For one hour and a half he +held his audience by a spell. He painted one beautiful picture after +another, and each in the very gems of the English language. He was many +times interrupted by loud bursts of applause. Words drop from his lips in +strains of such impassioned eloquence that they go directly to the hearts +of the audience, and his actions are so well suited to his words that you +can not remember a gesture. You try in vain to recall the inflection of the +voice that moved you to smiles or tears, at the speaker's will. Mr. Benson +is a young man and has only been in the lecture field a little over one +year; yet at one leap he has taken the very front rank, and is already +measuring strength with the oldest and ablest lecturers in the country."</p> + +<p>The next is from the Boston Daily Herald:</p> + +<p class="center">"TEMPERANCE AT FANEUIL HALL.</p> + +<p>"The old cradle of liberty was filled last evening by a large and +appreciative audience, assembled to hear Luther Benson, a well-known +temperance advocate from Indiana. Mr. E.H. Sheafe, under whose auspices the +lecture was held, presided, and the platform was occupied by the Rev. Mr. +Cook, who offered prayer, and by Messrs. Timothy Bigelow, Esq., F.S. +Harding, Charles West, John Tobias, S.C. Knight, and other well-known +temperance workers in this city. Mr. Benson is a reformed man, and, +speaking as he did from a terrible experience, he made an excellent +impression, and proved himself an orator of tact, talent and ability. A +number of his passages were marked with true eloquence and pathos, and for +an hour and a quarter he held the closest attention of his large audience +in a manner that could only be done by those who are earnest in the cause, +and appeal directly to their hearers."</p> + +<p>From the Dover (N.H.) Democrat, this:</p> + +<p>"Luther Benson, Esq., spoke to the largest audience ever gathered in the +City Hall, last night. Notwithstanding the snow, more than fourteen hundred +people crowded themselves in the hall, while hundreds went away for want of +even standing-room. He has created a perfect storm of enthusiasm for +himself in the cause he so earnestly and eloquently advocates. Last night +was Mr. Benson's fourth speech in this city, each one delivered without +notes or manuscript, and with no repetition. He goes from here to Great +Falls and Berwick. Next Sunday he returns to this city, and speaks here for +the last time in City Hall at half past seven o'clock. There never has been +a lecturer among us that could repeatedly draw increased audiences, and +certainly no man--not even Gough--ever so stirred all classes of our people +on the subject of temperance as has Benson. The receipts at the door last +evening were about one hundred and forty dollars. A number who had +purchased tickets previous to the lecture were unable to get in the hall."</p> + +<p>And this from the Pittsburg (Pa.) Gazette:</p> + +<p>"Luther Benson, Esq., of Indiana, has just closed one of the most powerful +temperance lectures ever delivered here. The house was one solid mass of +people, with not one spare inch of standing-room. For nearly two hours he +held the audience as by magic. At the close a large number signed the +pledge, some of them the hardest drinkers here. The people are so delighted +with his good work that they have secured him for another lecture Wednesday +evening."</p> + +<p>The next extract is from the Manchester (N.H.) Press:</p> + +<p>"Smyth's Hall was completely filled, seats and standing room, at two +o'clock Sunday afternoon, with an audience which came to hear Luther +Benson. The officers of the Reform Club, clergymen and reformed drunkards +occupied seats upon the platform. Mr. Benson is a native of Indiana, and +says he has been a drunkard from six years of age. He was within three +months of graduation from college when he was expelled for drunkenness. +Then he studied for a lawyer, and was admitted to practice, being drunk +while studying, and drunk while engaged in a case. At length he reduced +himself to poverty, pawning all he had for drink. At length he started to +reform, and though he had once fallen, he was determined to persevere. +Since his reformation two years ago he had been giving temperance lectures. +He is a young man, a powerful, swinging sort of speaker, with a good +command of language, original, with peculiar intonation, pronunciation and +idioms, sometimes rough, but eminently popular with his audiences. He spoke +for an hour and a half steadily, wiping the perspiration from his face at +intervals, taking up the greater part of his address with his personal +experience. He said he had had delirium tremens several times, once for +fifteen days, and gave an exceedingly minute and graphic description of his +torments. A number of men signed the pledge at the close of the meeting, +Among them was one man, who sat in front of the audience and kept drinking +from a bottle he had, evidently in a spirit of bravado, but at the +conclusion of the address he signed the pledge, crying like a child."</p> + +<p>From the Saltsburg Press, of Pennsylvania, I copy the following:</p> + +<p>"On Monday evening, 29th inst., the people of our staid and quiet little +town had their dormant spirits stirred to their inmost depths, by an +eloquent and thrilling lecture delivered in the Presbyterian church by +Luther Benson, Esq., a native of Indianapolis, Indiana, who chose for his +topic "Total Abstinence." He opened his lecture by delineating in the most +touching and beautiful language the almost heavenly happiness resulting in +a total abstinence from all intoxicating beverages, and by his well-aimed +contrasts demonstrated that, in the use of those beverages, even in a +temperate degree, there was but one result--drunkenness and eternal death. +He was no advocate of temperance; that is, the temperate use of anything +hurtful. Did not believe that anything vicious could be tampered with, +without harm coming from it. He argued to a final and satisfactory +conclusion, that in the use of alcoholic beverages there could be no such +thing as temperance; that the man who took a drink now and then would make +it convenient to take more drinks now than he would then, and in the end +would as surely fill a drunkard's grave as the man who persistently abused +the beverage in its use. His description of the two paths through life was +a most beautiful word picture. That of sobriety leading through bright +green fields, over flowery plains, by pleasant rivulets, where all was +peace and harmony, and over which the spirit of heaven itself seemed to +brood and watch; and that of drunkenness, in which all the miseries and +tortures of the imaginary hell were concentrated in a living death; of +blighted hopes, of wasted life, of ruined homes, of broken hearts, of a +conscience goaded to an insanity--to a madness--to fairly wallow in the +Lethean draft, that memory might be robbed of its poignant goadings; that +the poor, helpless, and degraded victim might escape its horrors in +oblivion.</p> + +<p>"He had been a victim in the toils of the monster for fifteen years; had +endured all the horrors it inflicted upon its votaries during that time, +and made an eloquent appeal to the young men present to choose the right +way and walk therein. He pictured the inevitable result in new and +convincing arguments holding up his own almost hopeless case as a warning. +His description of delirium tremens, while it was frightful, was not +overdrawn. He told the simple truth, as any one who has passed through the +horrible ordeal can testify.</p> + +<p>"We have not space to follow Mr. Benson through his lecture, which was +truly original in language, style and delivery. He is a lawyer by +profession, about twenty-eight years, and is wonderfully gifted with a +pleasing way, rapidly flowing and eloquent language, that carries to the +audience the conviction that he is in earnest in the work of total +abstinence; that in the effort to reclaim himself he will leave nothing +undone to save those who may have started out in life impressed with the +belief that there is pleasure and enjoyment under the influence of +intoxication. That he will accomplish good there is no doubt. He goes into +the work under the influence of the Holy Spirit; maintaining that the grace +of God alone can work a thorough reformation. We have heard Gough lecture, +but maintain that the eloquent, forcible, humorous, pathetic, and +convincing language of Mr. Benson is of a better and higher order, and will +prove more effectual in touching the hearts of those who stand upon the +verge of ruin.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Benson will lecture this (Tuesday) evening, in the Presbyterian +church. Doors open at 6:30; lecture commencing at 7:30. The lecture this +evening will be on a different subject, and no part of the lecture of last +evening will be repeated.</p> + +<p>"As a result of the lecture Monday evening, one hundred and sixty-two +persons signed the pledge."</p> + +<p>With reference to the lecture delivered at Faneuil Hall, the Boston +Temperance Album gives the succeeding synopsis:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Benson, on being introduced, paid the following eloquent tribute to +the Hall:</p> + +<p>"Ladies and gentlemen: It is with emotions such as I have never experienced +upon any former occasion, that I stand before you to-night in this, the +birthplace of American liberty. It was in this hall that was first +inaugurated the grand march of revolution and liberty that has gilded the +page of the history of our time with the most glorious achievements of the +patriot that the world has ever had to admire. It was here that was +inaugurated those immortal principles that caused revolution to rise in +fire, and go down in freedom, amid the ruins and relics of oppression. It +was here that the beacon of liberty first blazed, and the rainbow of +freedom rose on the cloud of war; and as a result, of the patriotism and +heroism of our forefathers, liberty has erected her altars here in the very +garden of the globe, and the genius of the earth worship at her feet. And +here in this garden of the West, here in this land of aspiring hope, where +innocence is equity, and talent is triumph, the exile from every land finds +a home where his youth may be crowned with happiness, and the sun of life's +evening go down with the unmolested hope of a glorious immortality. Who is +not proud of being an American citizen, and walking erect and secure under +the Stars and Stripes?</p> + +<p>"If there be a place on earth where the human mind, unfettered by +tyrannical institutions, may rise to the summit of intellectual grandeur, +it is here. If there be a country where the human heart, in public and in +private, may burst forth in unrestrained adulation to the God that made it, +it is here, where the immortal heroes and patriots of more than one hundred +years ago succeeded in establishing these United States, as the 'land of +the free and the home of the brave.' Here, then, human excellence must +attain to the summit of its glory. Mind constitutes the majesty of man, +virtue his true nobility. The tide of improvement which is now flowing like +another Niagara through the land, is destined to flow on down to the latest +posterity, and it will bear on its mighty bosom our virtues, or our vices, +our glory, or our shame, or whatever else we may transmit as an +inheritance. Thus it depends upon ourselves whether the moth of immortality +and the vampire of luxury shall prove the overthrow of this country, or +whether knowledge and virtue, like pillars, shall support her against the +whirlwinds of war, ambition, corruption, and the remorseless tooth of time. +And while assembled here to-night, in this, the very cradle of liberty, let +us not forget that there are evils to be shunned and avoided by us as +individuals and as a common people.</p> + +<p>"It is about one of these evils that is threatening the stability, +prosperity, and happiness of this whole country that I would talk to you +to-night. Let us approach near to each other and talk, if possible, soul to +soul, and heart to heart, I would talk to you to-night of liberty, that +liberty that frees us, body, soul, and spirit, from the slavery of the +intoxicating bowl; a slavery more soul-wearing and life-destroying than any +Egyptian bondage. Why, it is but a few years ago that this whole continent +rocked to its very center on the question as to whether human slavery +should endure upon its soil! That was but the slavery of the body, a +slavery for this life; and that was bad enough, but the slavery about which +I talk to you is a slavery not only of the body, but of the soul, and of +the spirit; a slavery not only for this life, but a slavery that goes +beyond the gates of the tomb, and reaches out into an infinite eternity. +The slavery of intoxication, unlike human slavery, is confined to no +particular section, climate, or society; for it wars on all mankind. It has +for its home this whole world. It has the flesh for its mother and the +devil for its father. It stands out a headless, heartless, eyeless, +earless, soulless monster of gigantic and fabulous proportions."</p> + +<p>As a <i>very few</i> persons have said my labors in the +cause of Temperance were not, and are not, productive +of good, I will give just very short extracts from +a number of letters which I have received from persons +who ought to know:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Frankfort, Ind.</span>, October 18, 1875.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Luther Benson, Esq.</span>--<i>My Dear Sir</i>--Yours of the 14th is before +me for answer, and, although very busily engaged in court, I +can not refrain from answering at some length. First, I will say, +"I have kept the faith." Though "the fight" is not yet over, my +emancipation from the terrible thralldom is measurably complete. +Occasional twinges of appetite yet admonish me to maintain my +vigilance. It was while struggling with one of these that your letter +came like a messenger from heaven to encourage and strengthen +me. Not a day passes but that I think of you, and to your wise +counsel and affectionate admonition, under Providence, I owe my +beginning and continuance in this well-doing. * * * May the +Lord spare you to "open the lips of truth" to those who, like myself, +will perish without a revelation of their danger. With high +esteem and sincere affection, I am, ever your friend, —</p> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Salem, Mass.</span>, October 29, 1875.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Bro. Benson</span>--I write you these few lines to cheer your heart, +and assure you that your labor in Salem has not been in vain in +the Lord's cause (the Temperance Reform). Our friend and brother, +—, from Beverly, was over at our meeting on Wednesday +evening last, and it would do your heart good to see the change in +him. He will never forget Luther Benson, for it was your first +speech in Salem that saved him. — +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>I desire now to come down to the very near present, +as some claim that my late <i>afflictions</i> and sore misfortunes +have extinguished my capacity for good:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Memphis, Mo.</span>, Feb. 14, 1878.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Dear Benson</span>--I know of my personal knowledge that you did +a grand work here. Bro. B., you remember my pointing out to +you a Dr. —, and telling you what a persecutor of churches he +was, and how hard he drank. He in two nights after you were +here signed the pledge, and in telling his experience, said that you +saved him--that no other person had ever been able to impress him +as you did.</p> + +<p>Truly, —</p> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<p class="right">—, Jan. 1, 1878.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">My Very Dear Friend</span>--I wish I could be with you and knee +with you as in the past, and hear your faith in God. Here is my +hand forever. You have done more for me than all the shepherds +on the bleak hillsides of this black world.</p> + +<p>Lovingly, —</p> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Terre Haute, Ind.</span>, Feb. 22, 1878.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Dear Benson</span>--You have done more for me than all the men and +women on earth. One year ago I heard you lecture on Temperance +in Lafayette. Then I was a poor outcast drunkard; you saved me. +I am now a sober man and a Christian. — +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>I could furnish thousands of such testimonials as +the above, but deem these sufficient to convince any +honest person that my toil is not in vain.</p> + +<p>From one of the journals of my native State I clip +the concluding extract:</p> + +<p>"Luther Benson, the gifted inebriate orator, is still +struggling against the demon of strong drink. He +spoke at Jeffersonville recently, and in the middle of +his discourse became so chagrined and disheartened +at his repeated failures at reform, that he took his +seat and burst into a flood of tears. He has since +connected himself with the church, and has professed +religion. May his new resolves and associations +strengthen him in the line of duty. But, like the +man among the tombs, the demons of appetite have +taken full possession of his soul, and riot in every +vein and fiber of his being. It is a fearful thraldom +to be encompassed with the wild hallucinations begotten +through a life of dissipation and debauchery. +The strongest resolves at reform are broken as ropes +of sand. All the moral faculties are made tributary +to the one ruling passion--drink, drink, drink! But +still his repeated resolves and heroic efforts betoken a +greatness of soul rarely witnessed. May he yet live +to see the devils that so sorely beset him running furiously +down a steep place into the sea, and sink forever +from his annoyance. But when they do come +out of the man, instead of entering a herd of heedless +swine for their coursers to the deep, may they ride, +booted and spurred, every saloon-keeper who has contributed +to make Luther Benson what he is, to the +very verge of despair, and to the brink of hell's +yawning abyss."</p> + +<p>I might give many more well written and flattering +criticisms, but from the foregoing the reader can determine +in what estimation to hold my labor. For +myself I am not solicitous for anything beyond +escape from my thraldom, and that peace which is +the sure accompaniment of a temperate Christian life. +If I thought that my readers were of the opinion +held by some of my enemies that my lectures have +not been productive of good, I could quote from +numberless private letters received from all parts of +the land, in which I am assured of the good results +which have crowned my humble efforts--in which I +am told of very many instances where my words of +entreaty and self-humiliation have been the means +of bringing back from the darkness and death of intemperance, +fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers +who were on the road to destruction. I have letters +from the wives, mothers, and sisters of these men, +invoking the blessings of heaven upon me for the +peace and happiness thus restored to them. I have +letters from little children thanking me also for giving +them back their fathers, and I thank God from +the depths of my torn and desolate heart that I have +been the humble instrument of good in these cases. +In my darkest hours, when I feel that all is lost, +when hope seems to soar away from me to the far-off +heavens from which she first descended to this world, +these letters, which I often read, and over which I +have so often wept grateful tears, give me strength +and courage to face the struggle before me. My +most earnest prayer to God has been that I may do +some good to compensate in some measure for the +talent which he gave me, and which I have so sadly +wasted. I have avoided mentioning the names of +the many dear friends who have not forsaken me in +this last extremity. As I write, name after name, +dear to memory, crowds into my mind. I can hardly +refrain from giving them a place on these pages, but +to mention a few would be manifestly unjust to the +remainder, and it is out of my power to print all of +them in the space which could be afforded in this +small book. But I wish to assure every man and +woman who has ever given me a kind word of encouragement, +or even a kind look, that they are not +and never will be forgotten. Whatever my future +fate may be, you did your duty, and God will bless +you. Your names are all sacred to me.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch14">CHAPTER XIV.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to +hell--Conceive the idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis +on a third tour east in company with Gen. Macauley--Separate +from him at Buffalo--I go on to New York alone--Trading +clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey City--In +the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In +court--"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At +the residence of Junius Brutus +Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go to Boston--Attend +the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home +once more--Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow +which whispered--"Go away!"</p> + +<p> +I returned home from this second tour in the Eastern +States in April, 1876, with shattered nerves and +weary brain, but instead of resting, I went on lecturing +until my overworked mind and body could no +longer hold out, and then it was, after nearly two +years of sobriety, that I once more fell. For weeks +before this disaster overtook me, I was actually an +irresponsible maniac. My pulse was never lower +than one hundred to the minute, and much of the +time it ran up to one hundred and twenty. I was so +weak that with all my energy aroused I could only +move about with feeble steps, and a constant anxiety +and longing for something to drink preyed upon me. +I was not content to remain in one place, but wanted +to be going somewhere all the time, I cared not +where. In this condition I dragged along my existence +for weeks, until at last, driven to a frenzy, +reason fled, and I plunged headlong into the horrors +of another debauch. My downward course appeared +to be accelerated by the very struggles which I had +made to rise during the past two years. The moment +I recovered from one horrible spell another +more fierce seized me and plunged me into the very +depths of hell. I now conceived the idea of getting +some one to travel with me, thinking that by this +means I could perhaps throw off the morbid gloom +and melancholy which hung over me. But again +I did the very thing I should not have done--I lectured.</p> + +<p>On the 30th of September, 1876, I started from +Indianapolis, in company with Gen. Dan. Macauley, +on a third lecturing tour East. I was drunk when +we started, and remained in that accursed state during +the journey. At Buffalo, New York, we got +separated, thence I went to New York city alone, +where I continued drinking until I had no money. +I then commenced to pawn my clothes--first, my +vest; second, a pair of new boots, worth fourteen dollars; +I got a quart of whisky, an old and worn-out +pair of shoes, and ten cents in money, for my boots. +I drank up the whisky, and traded off my overcoat. +It was worth sixty dollars. I realized about five +cents on the dollar, and all the horrors of all hells +ever heard of, for I was attacked with the delirium +tremens. By some means, of which I am entirely +ignorant, I got across the river, into Jersey City, and +was there arrested and lodged in the calaboose, in +which I remained from Saturday until the following +Monday. I suffered more in the forty-eight hours +embraced in that time than I ever before or since suffered +in the same length of time. I do not know the +hour, but it was getting dark on that Saturday evening, +when I got deathly sick, and commenced vomiting. +I continued vomiting until Monday. Nothing +that I swallowed would remain on my stomach. +About eight o'clock Saturday evening the authorities, +the police officers, put a large number of men and +boys, who were arrested for being drunk, in the room +in which I was confined. By midnight there were +fourteen of us in a small, poorly-ventilated, dirty +room. Planks extended around the room on three +sides, and on these those who could get a place lay +down. Among the number of "drunks" imprisoned +with me were some of the worst and largest roughs of +Jersey City, and these inhuman wretches, in the absence +of the police, threatened; to take my life if I vomited +again. In the room adjoining ours a madman +was confined, and I don't think he ceased kicking and +screaming a moment from Saturday night until Monday. +In the room just across the narrow hall, fronting +ours, was an insane woman, who swore she had +two souls, one of which was in hell! She, too, kept up +an incessant, piteous wailing, begging some one, ever +and anon, with piercing screams, to bring back her lost +soul! Indianapolis is more civilized than Jersey City +in respect to her prisons, but not with respect to her +police. And I am pretty sure that, as managed by its +present superintendent, the unfortunate insane are in +no other State cared for as they are in the Indiana +asylum, and in no other State is the appropriation for +running such a noble institution so beggarly as in +ours. I have visited other asylums, and am now an +inmate of this, and I know whereof I speak.</p> + +<p>The reader may have a faint idea of my sufferings +while in the Jersey City calaboose when I tell him +that the least noise pierced my brain like a knife. I +can in fancy and in my dreams hear the wild screams +of that woman yet. On Monday morning we were +marched together to a room, and I saw that there were +about fifty persons all told under arrest. Among the +number were many women, and I write with sorrow +that their language was more profane and indecent +than that of the men. I stood as in a nightmare and +heard the judge say from time to time--"Five dollars"--"Ten +dollars"--"Ten days"--"Fifteen +days"--and so on. I was so weak that I found it +almost out of my power to stand up, and as the +various sentences were pronounced my heart gave a +quick throb of agony. I felt that a sentence of ten +days would kill me. At this moment "John Dalton" +was called. I answered "Here, your Honor!" for +Dalton was the name I had assumed. My offense +was read--and the officer who arrested me volunteered +the statement that I was not disorderly, and +that I had not been creating any disturbance. I felt +called upon to plead my own case before the judge, +and without waiting for his permission I began to +speak. It was life or death with me, and for ten +minutes I spoke as I never spoke before and have +never spoken since. I pierced through his judicial +armor and touched his pity, else the fear of being +talked to death influenced him, to discharge me with +the generous advice to leave the city. Either way I +was free, and was not long in getting across the river +into New York, where I succeeded in finding General +Macauley who saw that my toilet was once more +arranged in a respectable manner. That night we +started for Boston, and arrived there on Tuesday +morning. I got drunk immediately and remained +drunk until Saturday, on which memorable day I +went in company with the General to Junius Brutus +Booth's residence, at Manchester, Mass., where I +staid, well provided for, until I got sober. I then +began to fill my engagements, and for six weeks lectured +almost every day and night. I again broke +down and came home. I finally got sober once more +and did not drink anything until in January last, when +I again fell. I went to Jeffersonville to lecture, and +while there became converted. Had I then ceased to +work and given my worn-out body and mind a much +needed rest, I would have to-day been standing up before +the world a free and happy man. But my desire +to see and tell every one of the new joy which I had +found controlled me, and for six weeks I spoke every +day, and often twice a day. I started east again and +went to Boston. I attended the Moody and Sankey +meetings, but was troubled with I know not what. +All the time an unnatural feeling seemed to have +possession of me.</p> + +<p>One afternoon, just after getting off my knees from +prayer, a strange spell came over me and before I could +realize what I was doing, the devil hurried me into +a saloon, where I began to drink recklessly, and knew +nothing more for two or three days. Then I awoke, +I knew not where. Some of my friends found me +and sent me home. I now suffered more mental torture +than I experienced on sobering up from any +other spree I was ever on. I believed firmly that I +was saved; that my appetite for liquor was forever +gone. I felt now that there was no hope for me. +Oh, the despairing days and long black nights of +agony unspeakable that followed this debauch! In +time I recovered physical health, and began to lecture, +though under greater difficulties than ever before. +I was so harrassed by my own shame and the +world's doubts that within a month I again got drunk. +While on this spree my friends made out the necessary +papers, and I was committed to the Indiana +Hospital for the Insane. Here, then, I am to-day, +very near the end of my most wretched and misspent +life. How can I tell the emotions which swell in my +heart? It is on the record of this asylum that I was +brought here June 4th, a victim of intemperance. +Everything is being done for me that can be done, +but I feel that my case is hopeless unless help comes +from above. Ordinarily restraint and proper attention +to diet and rest would in time cure aggravated +cases of that peculiar insanity which manifests itself +in an abnormal and excessive demand for liquor. +But with me the spell returns after months of sobriety +with a force which I am powerless to resist, as +the reader has seen in the several instances given in +this autobiography. The rule of treatment for patients +here varies with the different characters of the +patients. The impressions which I had formed of +insane asylums was very different from those which +have come from my sojourn among the insane. There +is less screaming and violence than I thought there +would be, and for most of the time the wards in which +the better class of patients are confined are as still and +apparently as peaceful as a home circle. The horror +experienced during the first week's, or first two weeks' +confinement wears off, and one gradually forgets that +he is in a house for the mad. Many amusing cases +come under my observation, but there are others +which excite various feelings of pity, disgust, fear, +and horror. There is, for instance, a man in "my +ward" who imagines that he has murdered all his +relations. Another believes that he swallowed and +carries within him a living mule which compels him +to walk on his hands as well as his feet. One poor +fellow can not be convinced but assassins are hourly +trying to stab or shoot him. One is afraid to eat for +fear of being poisoned, and another wants to disembowel +himself. Twice a day the wards, which number +from thirty to forty patients under the charge of +two attendants, one or the other of whom is constantly +on duty, are taken out for a walk in the beautiful +grounds around the asylum. Sometimes, when +it is thought that the patient will be benefited, and +when he is really well but still not in a condition to +be discharged, he is allowed the freedom of the +grounds. After I had been here two weeks I was +permitted to go out on the grounds alone. But my +feelings are about the same outside the building as +inside. Even as I write I feel that there is a devil +within me which is demanding me to go away from +this place. I want whisky, and would at this moment +barter my soul for a pint of the hellish poison. +I have now been here a little over a month. Like +all the other patients, I am kindly treated. Our beds +are clean, and our food is well prepared, such as it is, +and it is really much better than could be expected +on the appropriation made by the last Legislature. +I doubt if there is another institution of the kind in +the United States that can be compared with this in +the ability, justice, kindness, and noble and unswerving +honesty of its management. Dr. Everts, the +superintendent, is a gentleman whom I have not the +honor to know personally, but whose commanding +intelligence, and equally great heart, are venerated +by all who do know him.</p> + +<p>This is the fourth day of July, and I have written +to my friends to come and take me away--for what +purpose I dare not think. I am utterly desolate and +miserable, and dare not look forward to the future, +for I dread to face the uncertain and unknown TO-COME. +To stay here is worse than madness, in my +present condition, and to go away may be death. O, +that some power higher than earth would reach forth +a hand and save me from myself! I can not remain +here without abusing the kindness and trust of a great +institution, nor can I go away, I fear, without bringing +disgrace on my friends, and shame and death on +myself. God of mercy, help me! I know how useless +it would be to lock me up in solitary confinement, +and I think my attendant physician also feels that I +can not be saved by any means within the reach of +the asylum. With others not insane, but cursed with +that insanity for drink which, if not checked, will +soon or late lead to the destruction of reason and life +itself, there is a chance to restore them from the curse +to a life of honor and usefulness, and no means should +be left untried which may ultimately save them, especially +the young who, but for this curse infernal, +might rise to a useful and even august manhood.</p> + +<p>The shadows of the evening are settling upon the +face of the earth. Now and then the report of a cannon +in the direction of the city recalls what day it is, +and I am reminded that crowds are thronging the +streets for the purpose of witnessing the display of +holiday fireworks; but vain to me such mimicry. A +tall and mysterious shadow, more dark and awful than +any which will steal among the graves of the old +churchyard to-night, has risen and now stands beside +whispering in the stillness--"Go away!"</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch15">CHAPTER XV.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My +friends consult with the officers of the institution--I am +discharged--Go to Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings +and horrible sufferings--Alcohol--The tyrant whom all +should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is anything gained +by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It leads to +ruin and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at +present--The end.</p> + +<p> +After writing the words "go away," which close +the preceding chapter, I lay down and tried to compose +my thoughts, but the effort was futile. I passed +a sleepless night, and when morning came I had +fully resolved to leave the hospital if in my power +to do so. During the forenoon I took up my pencil +a number of times for the purpose of writing, but I +was so disturbed in mind that I could not write a +line intelligibly, and I will here say that from that +day, July fifth, to this, September fifteenth, the manuscript +remained untouched in the hands of a very dear +friend, to whom I am under many obligations for his +clear advice and judgment on matters of this sort as +well as on others. I will now write this, the fifteenth +and last chapter of this book; and in order to make +the story of my life complete up to this date, I will +go back and resume the thread of the narrative +where it was left off on the evening of the fourth of +July. It will be remembered that in my last chapter +I spoke of having written letters to some of my +friends desiring them to come and ask for my discharge. +I awaited impatiently their coming, but +when they came, which was on the sixth of July, I +think, they were undecided whether it would be better +for me to "go away," or remain longer at the +asylum, but I plead to go, as if my life depended +upon it. After consultation with the authorities at +the hospital, who were clearly of the opinion that +they had no right to detain me under the circumstances, +and who, therefore, felt it incumbent upon +them to discharge me, particularly if my friends +were willing, it was by all parties decided that I +should go. I felt glad in my heart that the institution +was relieved of all responsibility in my case, for +I did not wish to bring reproach upon anyone, and I +feared if I remained longer I might take some rash +step (abusing the generous kindness of my officers) +that would do so. They had done their whole duty +by me, and it remained for me now to do my duty to +myself and friends. But as soon as I got to Indianapolis +the pent-up fires of appetite blazed forth, and +while on the way to the Union Depot to take the +train to Rushville, I gave my friends the slip, and, +sneaking like a thief through the alleys, I sought +and found an obscure saloon in which I secreted myself +and began to drink. I was once more on the +road which leads to perdition. The old enemy, who +had crawled up the walls of the asylum and slimed +himself through my grated windows, and coiled +around my heart in frightful dreams, again had me +in his possession. Thus began one of the most +maniacal and terrible drunks of my life. I became +possessed of the wildest and most unreal thoughts +that ever entered a crazed brain. I abused and misrepresented +my best friends, and cursed everything +but the thrice cursed liquor which was burning up +my body and soul. I told absurd and terrible stories +about the places where I had been, and about the +friends who had done most for me. I was insane--as +utterly so for the time as the worst case in the +asylum. I knew not what I did or said, and yet my +actions and words were cunningly contrived to deceive.</p> + +<p>For the greater part of the fifteen days which followed +I was as unconscious of what I did or said as +if I had been dead and buried in the bottom of the +sea. What I know of the time I have learned since +from the lips of others. The hideous, fiendish serpent +of drunkenness possessed my whole being. I +felt him in every nerve, bone, sinew, fiber, and drop +of blood in my body. There were moments when a +glimmer of reason came to me, and with it a pang +that shriveled my soul. During the period that I +was drinking I was in Rushville, after leaving Indianapolis, +Falmouth and Cambridge City. Of course, +for the most part of the time, I knew not where I was. +As I think of it now, I know that I was in hell. My +thirst for whisky was positively maddening. I tried +every means to quit, when conscious of my existence: +I voluntarily entered the calaboose more than once, +and was locked up, but the instant I got out, the +madness caused me to fly where liquor was. I drank +it in enormous quantities, and smothered without +quenching the scorching, blazing fires of hell which +were making cinders and ashes of every hope and +energy of my being. I made my bed among serpents; +I fed on flames and poison; I walked with demons +and ghouls; all unutterable and slimy monsters +crawled around and over me; every breath that I +drew reeked with the odor of death; every beat of +my fast-throbbing heart sent the hissing, boiling +blood through my veins, which returned and froze +about it. I have neither words nor images sufficiently +horrible to typify my condition. I became, +for the time an abhorred object; the sex of my sainted +mother made a wide sweep to pass me by, and dear, +little, innocent children fled from me as from a monster. +My soul was no longer my own. The fiend +Appetite had given it over, bound and helpless, to +the fiend Alcohol. I turned by bleared vision towards +the vaulted skies, and cursed them because they did +not rain fire and brimstone down upon me and destroy +me. And yet, oh! how I dreaded to die! The +grave opened before me, and a million horrors were +in its hollow and black chasm. The scalding tears I +shed gave me no relief; the cries I uttered were unheard; +and every ear was deaf to my pleadings. At +times I thought of the asylum, and I would have +given worlds could I have retraced my steps, and slept +once more securely within its merciful and protecting +walls. O, God! I screamed, why did I leave it? As +day after day dragged its endless length along, and +no relief came, my despair was a delirium of wretchedness. +The sun appeared to be extinguished, and +the universe was a void of black, impenetrable darkness, +out of which, before and after me, rose the hideous +specters, Death and Annihilation. The unimaginable +horrors of the tremens were upon me.</p> + +<p>Once more hear my voice, you who read! Lose +no opportunity to strike a blow at intemperance. It +may smile in the rosy face of youth, but do not be deceived; +there are agonies unspeakable hidden beneath +that smile. Look not on the wine cup when it is +red, no matter if the jeweled hand of a princess hold it +between you and the light. It is the beginning whose +end is degradation, remorse, misery and death! Turn +from a glass of beer as from a goblet of reeking and +poisoned blood. It is a danger to be shunned. Beware +that you do not learn this too late.</p> + +<p>Alcohol, ruin, and death go hand in hand. The +region over which Alcohol is king is one of decay. +It is full of graves. The ghosts of the million joys, +he has slain wail amid its ghastly desolations; there +are sounds of sobbing orphans there; echoes of widows' +shrieks; and the lamentations of fond mothers +and wives, heart-broken, vex the realm; youth and age +lie here dishonored together; in vain the sweetheart +begs her lover to return from its fatal mists; in vain +the pure sister calls with trembling tongue for her +erring brother. He will not come back. He is the +slave of a tyrant who has no compassion and knows +no mercy. Oppose this tyrant, all ye who love the +home circle better than the bawdy house; fight him +all ye who set honor above dishonor; curse him all +ye who prefer peace to discord, and law to anarchy; +war against him in all ways unceasingly all ye to +whom the thought of liberty and safety is dear, to +whom happiness and truth are more desirable than +misery and falsehood.</p> + +<p>What, let me ask, is to be gained by drinking? +What blessing comes from forming or indulging the +habit? Pause here and think well before you answer. +You could not afford to drink if the wealth of a +nation were yours, because no man can afford to lose +health and happiness if he hopes enjoyment in life. +If you are strong, alcohol will destroy your nerves +and sap your vigor. If you are weak, it will enfeeble +you the more. If you are unhappy, it will only add +to your unhappiness. Look at the subject as you +will, you can not afford to drink intoxicating liquors. +The moment you begin to form the habit of drinking +that moment you begin to endanger your reputation, +health and happiness, and that of your family and +friends also. And let me say right now that you begin +to form the habit when you touch your lips to +any sort of intoxicating drink the first time. I have +drank the sparkle and foam, and the gall and wormwood +of all liquors. Do you envy me the horrors +through which I have passed? You know how to +avoid them. Never touch liquor. If you are bent +on going to hell and destruction, choose a nearer and +more honorable way by blowing your brains out at +once.</p> + +<p>A few words more, dear readers, and I will bid you +good by. Many of you have no doubt heard of my +restored peace and lasting favor with God at Fowler, +Indiana. With regard to it and my condition at the +present time, I will incorporate in substance the letter +which I recently published in reply to inquiries addressed +to me from all parts of the country, shortly +after that event. I will give the letter with but little +change, even at the risk of repeating what is elsewhere +recorded. It is as follows:</p> + +<p>On the evening of January twenty-first, 1877, at +Jeffersonville, Indiana, God pardoned my sins and +made me a new creature. For weeks happiness and +joy were mine. The appetite--rather my passion--for +liquor, which made the present a misery and the +future a darkness, was no longer present. Its heavy +burdens had fallen from me. Of this there could be +no doubt; but I had been educated to believe that +"once in grace always in grace," and this led to a +fatal deception, a belief that I could not fall; that +after God had once pardoned my sins I was as surely +saved as if already in Paradise. That they were +pardoned I had not a doubt, for the manifestations +were as clear as light. Falsely thinking that I was +pardoned for all time, my soul grew self-reliant: I +became at the same time careless of my religious duties. +I neglected to pray, to beware of temptation, and, +naturally enough, soon found myself drifting into the +society of those who neither loved nor feared God. +Had I trusted alone in God and permitted the Savior +to lead and keep me, I should not have fallen. Instead, +I went back to the world, gave no thanks to +God for his mercy and love, and thus dishonoring +him, his face was hidden from me.</p> + +<p>I went to Boston to speak in Moody and Sankey's +meeting. I never once hoped by so doing to +be the means of others' salvation; my sole thought +was self and selfish ambition. Instead of talking at +the Moody meeting, I took a drink of liquor, soon +got drunk, and so remained for days. When I came +out of the oblivion of that debauch, the agony experienced +was terrible. All the shames, all the +burning regrets, all the stinging compunctions of +conscience I had known on coming out of such debauches +before my conversion were almost as joy +compared with the misery which preyed upon my +heart then. I can not describe the hopeless feeling of +remorse which came over me. I lived and moved in +a night of misery and no star was in its sky. In the +course of a few days I recovered physically so far as +to be able to lecture. I prayed in secret, long and +often, for a return of that peace which comes from +God alone, but in vain. I was justly self-punished. +At the end of four or five weeks I fell again, and +this time my degradation was deeper than before. I +would at times console myself with the thought that +my suffering had reached the limit of endurance, and +at such times new and still keener agonies would rise +in my heart, like harpies, to tear me to atoms.</p> + +<p>It was at this time that I was committed to the +Hospital for the Insane at Indianapolis. The reader +is aware of what took place on my arrival at Indianapolis, +after leaving the hospital. I felt somehow +that it was my last spree. I kept it up until nature +could endure no more. I felt that my stomach was +burned up, and that my brain was scalded. I was +crucified from my head to the soles of my feet. I +began to feel sure that this time I would die, and, +when dead, go to the hell which seemed to be open to +receive me. July twenty-first I left Indianapolis, +and went to Fowler, Indiana, at which place, for five +days and nights, I suffered every mental and physical +pang that can afflict mortal man. Day and night I +prayed God to be merciful, but no relief came. The +dark hopelessness in which I lay I can not describe. +I felt that I was undeserving of God's pardon or +mercy. I had wronged myself, and my friends more +than myself; I had trampled upon the love of Christ; +I had loved myself amiss and lost myself. The +Christian people of Fowler prayed for me; they +called a prayer-meeting especially for me, to ask God +to have mercy on and save me. On Wednesday +night I went to the regular prayer-meeting, and, with +a breaking heart, begged, on bended knee, that God +would take compassion on me. The next day, July +twenty-sixth, was the most wretched day I ever passed +on earth. It seemed that whichsoever way I turned, +hell's fiercest fires lapped up around my feet. There +seemed no escape for me. Like that scorpion girt +with flames, flee in any direction I would, I found +the misery and suffering increasing. I resolved to +commit suicide, but when just in the act of taking +my life the Spirit of God restrained me. I met the +Rev. Frank Taylor, the pastor at Fowler. I told +him my hopeless condition. He cheered me in every +way possible. In the evening we took a walk, and it +was during this walk, while in the act of reaching my +hand down to my pocket to get a chew of tobacco, +that I felt a power hold back my hand, and, plainer +than any spoken words, this same power told me not +to touch it. I obeyed, withdrew my hand, and at +that instant the glory of God filled my heart, suffering +fled from me, and in its stead came sweet peace.</p> + +<p>I had been using enormous quantities of tobacco, +and the use of this narcotic increased, if it did not +aid in bringing on my appetite for liquor. I have +at times suffered keenly from suddenly renouncing +its use, but from the time God fully restored me I +have not tasted nor touched tobacco and whisky or +any other stimulants. Do not understand me as saying +that the appetite for them is dead, or that I have +had no hours of depression and struggle in which the +old Satan tempted me. I expect all my life to wage +a battle against him, and to know what sorrow is +and pain. But by the grace of God I will dare to +do right, and with his help I mean to be victorious +in every fight against sin. I will abase myself with +a trusting heart, and shrink from all self-esteem at +war with the true principles to which a follower of +Christ should cling. I will grind myself to dust if +by so doing I may have God's grace. I fully realize +that left to myself I am nothing. Jesus is not only +my Savior; he shall be my guide in all things. His +precious blood has redeemed me, and I am at rest in +the shadow of the Rifted Rock. Peace dwells within +me, and joy and praise to the Father of all mercies +fill my soul. To that Father Almighty be the praise. +I earnestly desire the prayers of all Christian men +and women. Every time you pray ask God to keep +and save me with a salvation which shall be everlasting.</p> + +<p class="center">THE END.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13332 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0b21e6c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13332 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13332) diff --git a/old/13332-h.zip b/old/13332-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3019524 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13332-h.zip diff --git a/old/13332-h/13332-h.htm b/old/13332-h/13332-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e1e168 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13332-h/13332-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4830 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + <!-- + body {margin-left: 4%; margin-right: 4%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%; + background: black; height: 3px;} + hr.narrow {text-align: center; width: 25%; + background: black; height: 2px;} + + .poem {margin-left: 5%; margin-right:5%; + text-align: left;} + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; + font-size: 0.9em;} + .indent {margin-left: 3%;} + .right {text-align: right;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .illus {text-align: center;} + .chcont {text-align: center; font-weight : bold;} + .smallc {font-variant : small-caps ;} + .smallccen {text-align: center; font-variant : small-caps ;} + .subjects {font-size: 90%; margin: 0% 5%;} + .table {border: none;} + + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fifteen Years in Hell + +Author: Luther Benson + +Release Date: August 30, 2004 [EBook #13332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL *** + + + + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Christopher Lund and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL.</h1> + +<h3>AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.</h3> + +<h2>BY LUTHER BENSON,</h2> + +<h3>1885.</h3> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<h2>TABLE OF CONTENTS.</h2> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch1">CHAPTER I.</a></p> + +<p>Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow +and gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not do-- +Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder."</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch2">CHAPTER II.</a></p> + +<p>Birth, parentage and early education--Early childhood--Early events--Memory +of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy life--Breaking colts +for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much to do in the matter of +drink--The author to blame for his misspent life--Inheritances--The +excellences of my father and mother--The road to ruin not wilfully trodden- +-The people's indifference to a great danger--My associates--What became of +them--The customs of twenty years ago--What might have been.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch3">CHAPTER III.</a></p> + +<p>The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and silent +breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves and +promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for liquor-- +The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power of +appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch4">CHAPTER IV.</a></p> + +<p>School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive to +Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting a cigar-- +A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and what befell us +while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in a crib--Getting awake-- +The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna jug--Another debauch--The +exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting to college at Cincinnati-- +My companions--The destruction wrought by alcohol--Dr. Johnson's +declaration concerning the indulgence of this vice--A warning--A dangerous +fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. +Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous idea--Temperance the best aid to thought.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch5">CHAPTER V.</a></p> + +<p>Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer brawls-- +County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white oxen--The +"red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I found myself in +the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching under difficulties--Quiet +again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on a spree"--What a spree means.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch6">CHAPTER VI.</a></p> + +<p>Law practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad to worse- +-My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, God!"-- +Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's duty-- +Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch7">CHAPTER VII.</a></p> + +<p>Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking corn- +-My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious journey-- +Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the damned--Heavenly +hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the woods--At Mr. +Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded by devils-- +Fears and sorrows--No rest.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch8">CHAPTER VIII.</a></p> + +<p>Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch9">CHAPTER IX.</a></p> + +<p>The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the Ditch- +-Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A long +night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The inevitable-- +Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred miles from +home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a school--The lobbies +of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open school--A failure--Return +home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two months of uninterrupted +drinking--Coatless, hatless, and, bootless--The "Blue Goose"--The tremens-- +Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the damned--Walking on crutches-- +Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold +bath--The consequence--Teaching school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of +Daniel Baker and his wife--A paying practice at law.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch10">CHAPTER X.</a></p> + +<p>The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by legislation- +-Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The Indianapolis police-- +The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The coming head-light--A +desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the time"--A struggle in +which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in dew--Hiding from the +officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable sufferings--Advised to +lecture--The time I began to lecture.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch11">CHAPTER XI.</a></p> + +<p>My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At Rushville-- +Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the stage and +am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old coat and +stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make a lecture +tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude of the press-- +The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind criticism--Tattle +mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to commit suicide-- +Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask the sheriff to lock +me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of '74--"Local option."</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch12">CHAPTER XII.</a></p> + +<p>Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no man +should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the Galt House-- +The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in Cincinnati--The +delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick that turned to a +serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to Connersville, Indiana- +-My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and torments--The horrid sights +of a drunkard's madness.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch13">CHAPTER XIII.</a></p> + +<p>Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the "Dare +to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names.</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch14">CHAPTER XIV.</a></p> + +<p>At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to hell--Conceive the +idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in +company with Gen. Macauley--Separate from him at Buffalo--I go on to New +York alone--Trading clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey City-- +In the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In court-- +"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At the +residence of Junius Brutus Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go to +Boston--Attend the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home once more-- +Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow which whispered "Go away!"</p> + +<p class="chcont"><a href="#ch15">CHAPTER XV.</a></p> + +<p>A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My friends +consult with the officers of the institution--I am discharged--Go to +Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings and horrible sufferings--Alcohol- +-The tyrant whom all should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is anything +gained by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It leads to ruin +and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at present--The end.</p> + + +<hr /> + + +<h2>PREFACE</h2> + +<p> +The days of long prefaces are past. It is also too near the end of the +century to indulge in fulsome dedications. I shall, therefore, trouble the +reader with only a brief introduction to this imperfect history of an +imperfect life. The conditions under which I write necessarily make it +lacking in much that would ordinarily have added to its interest. I write +within the Indiana Asylum for the Insane; I have not the means of +information at hand which I should have to make the work what it should be, +and notes which I had taken from time to time, with a view of using them, +have unfortunately been lost. Much of my life is a complete blank to me, as +I have often, very often, alas! gone for days oblivious to every act and +thing, as dead to all about me as the stones of the pavement are dumb. Nor +can I connect a succession of incidents one after the other as they +occurred in the regular course of my life. The reader is asked to be +merciful in his judgment and pardon the imperfections which I fear abound +in the book. The title, "FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL," may, to some, seem +irreverent or profane, but let me assure any such that it is the mildest I +can find which conveys an idea of the facts. Expect nothing ornate or +romantic. The path along which you who walk with me will go is not a +flowery one. Its shadows are those of the cypress and yew; its skies are +curtained with funereal clouds; its beginning is a gloom and its end is a +mad house. But go with me, for you can suffer no harm, and a knowledge of +what you will see may lead you to warn others who are in danger of doing as +I have done. Unless help comes to me from on high, I feel that I am near +the end of my weary and sorrow-laden pilgrimage on earth. You who are in +the light, I speak to you from the shadow; you who suffer, I speak to you +from the depths; you who are dying, perhaps I may speak to you from the +world of the dead; in any case the words herein written are the truth.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch1">CHAPTER I.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow and +gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not do-- +Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder."</p> + +<p> +Truth, said Lord Byron, is stranger than fiction. He was right, for so it +is. Another has declared that if any man should write a faithful history of +his own career, the work would be an interesting one. The question now +arises, does any man dare to be sufficiently candid to write such a work? +Is there no secret baseness he would hide?--no act which, proper to be +told, he would swerve from the truth to tell in his own favor? Undoubtedly, +many. Doubtless it is well that few have the resolution or inclination to +chronicle their faults and failings. How many, too, would shrink from +making a public display of their miserable experiences for fear of being +accused of glorying in their past shame, or of parading a pride that apes +humility. I pretend to no talent, but if a too true story of suffering may +interest, and at the same time alarm, I can promise matter enough, and +unembellished, too, for no embellishment is needed, as all my sketches are +from the life. The incidents will not be found to be consecutive, but set +down as certain scenes occur to my recollection--heedless of order, style, +or system. Each is a record of shame, suffering, destitution and disgrace. +I have all my life stood without and gazed longingly through gateways which +relentlessly barred me from the light and warmth and glory, which, though +never for me, was shining beyond. From the day that consciousness came to +me in this world I have been miserable. In early childhood I swam, as it +were, in a dark sea of sorrow whose sad waves forever beat over me with a +prophetic wail of desolations and storms to come. During the years of +boyhood, when others were thoughtless and full of joy, the sun's rays were +hidden from my sight and I groped hopelessly forward, praying in vain for +an end of misery. Out of such a boyhood there came--as what else could +come?--a manhood all imperfect, clothed with gloom, haunted by horror, and +familiar with undefinable terrors which have weighed upon my heart until I +have cried to myself that it would break--until I have almost prayed that +it would break and thereby free me from the bondage of my pitiless master, +Woe! To-day walled within a prison for madmen, looking from a window whose +grating is iron, the sole occupant of a room as blank as the leaf of +happiness is to me, I abandon every hope. On this side the silence which we +call death--that silence which inhabits the dismal grave, there is for me +only sorrow and agony keener than has ever before made gray and old before +its time the heart of man. Thirty years! and what are they?--what have they +been? Patience, and as best I can, I will unfold their record. Thirty +years! and I feel that the weight of a world's wretchedness has lain upon +me for thrice their number of terrible days! Every effort of my life has +been a failure. Surely and steadily the hand of misfortune has crushed me +until I have looked forward to my bier as a blessed bed of repose--rest +from weariness--forgetfulness of remorse--escape from misery. At the dawn +of life, ay, in its very beginning, there came to me a bitter, deadly, +unmerciful enemy, accompanied in those days by song and laughter--an enemy +that was swift in getting me in his power, and who, when I was once +securely his victim, turned all laughter into wailing, and all songs into +sobbing, and pressed to my bloated lips his poisonous chalice which I have +ever found full of the stinging adders of hell and death. Too well do I +know what it is to feel the burning and jagged links of the devil's chain +cutting through my quivering flesh to the shrinking bone--to feel my nerves +tremble with agony, and my brain burn as if bathed in liquids of fire--too +well, I say, do I know what these things are, for I have felt them +intensified again and again, ten thousand times. The infinite God alone +knows the deep abyss of my sorrow, and help, if help be possible, can come +from him alone.</p> + +<p>I shall not attempt in these pages any learned disquisition upon the nature +of alcohol--its hideous effects on the system--how it disarranges all the +functions of the body--how it impairs health--blots out memory, dethrones +reason, and destroys the very soul itself--how it gives to the whole body +an unnatural and unhealthy action, crucifying the flesh, blood, bones and +marrow--how it paints hell in the mind and torture on the heart, and +strangles hope with despair.</p> + +<p>Nor shall I discuss the terrible and overshadowing evils, financial and +social, inflicted by it on every class of society. Like the trail of the +serpent it is over all. Look where you will, turn where you may, you can +not be blind to its evils. It despoils manhood of all that makes manhood +desirable; it plucks hope from the breast of the weeping wife with a hand +of ice; it robs the orphan of his bread crumb, and says to the gates of +penitentiaries, "Open wide and often to the criminals who became my slaves +before they committed crime." The evils of which I speak are not unknown to +you, but have you considered them as things real? Have you fought them as +present and near dangers? You have heard the wild sounds of drunken revelry +mingling with the night winds; you have heard the shrieks and sobs, and +seen the streaming, sunken eyes of dying women; you have heard the +unprotected and unfriended orphans' cry echoed from a thousand blighted +homes and squalid tenements; you have seen the outcast family of the +inebriate wandering houseless upon the highways, or shivering on the +streets; you have shuddered at the sound of the maniac's scream upon the +burdened air; you have beheld the human form divine despoiled of every +humanizing attribute, transformed from an angel into a devil; you have seen +virtue crushed by vice; the bright eye lose its lustre, the lips their +power of articulation; you have seen what was clean become foul, what was +upright become crooked, what was high become low--man, first in the order +of created things, sunken to a level with brute beasts; and after all these +you have or may have said to yourself, "All this is the work of the +terrible demon, alcohol."</p> + +<p>I shall not attempt to paint any of the countless scenes of degradation, +and horror, and misery, which this demon has caused to be enacted. I shall +leave without comment the endless train of crimes and vices, the beggary +and devastation following the course of this foul Titan devil of ruin and +damnation. I shall only endeavor to give a plain, truthful history of one +who has felt every pang, every sorrow, every agony, every shame, every +remorse, that the demon of drunkenness can inflict. I have nothing to thank +this demon for, beyond a few fleeting--oh, how fleeting--hours of false +delight. He has wrought only woe and loss to me. Even now, as I sit here in +the stillness of desperation, afraid of I know not what, trembling with a +strange dread of some impending doom, gazing in fright backward along the +shores of the years whereon I see the wrecks of a thousand hopes, the +destruction of every noble aspiration, the ruin of every noble resolve, I +cry aloud against the utterness of the destroyer. My life has indeed been a +sad one; so sad, so lonely, that no language in my power of utterance can +give to the reader a full conception of its moonless darkness. Would that +the magic pen of a De Quincey were mine that my miseries might stand out +until strong-hearted men and true-hearted women would weep, and every young +man and maiden also would tremble and turn from everything intoxicating as +from the oblivion of eternal death.</p> + +<p>To many, certain events which I shall relate in this history may seem +incredible; some of the escapes may seem improbable; but again let me +assure you that there shall not be one word of exaggeration. The incidents +took place just as I shall state them. I have passed through not only all +that you will find recorded in these pages, but ten thousand times more. As +I lift the dark veil and look back through the black, unlighted past, I +shudder and hold my breath as scene after scene, each more appalling than +the one just before it, rises like the phantom line of Banquo's issue, +defining itself with pitiless distinctness upon my seared eyeballs, until +the last and most awful of all stands tall and black by my side, and +whispers, hisses, shrieks Madness in my ears. I bow my head and find a +moment's relief from the anguish of soul in the hot scalding tears which +stream down my fevered cheeks. O God of sure mercy, save other young men +from the dark and desolate tortures which gnaw at my heart, and press down +upon my weary soul! They are all, all, all the work of alcohol. Oh, how +true it is--how true few can understand until their lives are a burden of +distress and agony to them--that the cup which inebriates stingeth like an +adder. When you see it, turn from it as from a viper. Say to yourself as +you turn to fly, "It stingeth like an adder!"</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch2">CHAPTER II.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Birth, parentage, and early education--Early childhood--Early events-- +Memory of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy life-- +Breaking colts for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much to do +in the matter of drink--The author to blame for his misspent life-- +Inheritances--The excellences of my father and mother--The road to ruin not +wilfully trodden--The people's indifference to a great danger--My +associates--What became of them--The customs of twenty years ago--What +might have been.</p> + +<p> +As to my birth, parentage and education, I am the last but one of a family +of nine children, seven of whom were boys, and all of whom, excepting one +brother, are now living. Both brothers and sisters are, without an +exception, sober, industrious and honest. I was born in Rush county, +Indiana, on the 9th day of September, 1847.</p> + +<p>If there is one spot in all the black waste of desolation about which I +cling with fond memory it is in my early childhood, and there is no part of +my life that is so fresh and vivid as that embraced in those first early +years. I can remember distinctly events which transpired when I was but two +years old, while I have forgotten thousands of incidents which have +occurred within the past two years. While it is true that in early +childhood a dark shadow fell athwart my pathway, making everything sombre +and painful with an impression of desolation, yet was my condition happy in +comparison with the rayless and pitchy blackness which subsequently folded +its curtains close about my very being, seeming to make respiration +impossible at times and life a nightmare of mockery. Seeming, do I say? +Nay, it did, for nothing can be more real than our feelings, no matter how +falsely they may be created. The agony of a dream is as keen while it lasts +as any other--more so, because there is a helplessness about it which makes +it harder to resist.</p> + +<p>Many times, lying in my bed after a disgraceful debauch of days' or weeks' +duration, has my memory winged its way through the realms of darkness in +the mournful and lonesome past, back through years of horror and suffering +to the green and holy morning of life, as it at this moment seems to me, +and rested for an instant on some quiet hour in that dawn which broke +tempestuously, heralding the storms which would later gather and break +about me. At such times I could distinctly remember the names and features +of all the persons who dwelt in the vicinity of my father's house, although +many of them died long ago or passed away from the neighborhood. I could at +this time repeat word for word conversations which took place twenty-five +years ago. I do not so much attribute this to a retentive memory as to the +habit I have had of thinking, when my mind was in a condition to think, of +all that was a part of my early life. Again and again, as the years gather +up around me, and the valley of life deepens its shadows toward the tomb, +do I go back in memory to the days that were. Again and again do I awaken +to the beauty, the love, the faces and friends of those days. They are all +dear and sacred to me now, though I know they can come no more, and that +the hollow spaces of time between the Here and There--the Now and Then-- +will reverberate forever with the echoes of many-voiced sorrows. Could +those who meet me look down into the depths of my ghastly and bitter +desolation, they would behold more appalling pictures of human agony than +ever mortal eye gazed upon since the opening of the day of time--since the +roses of Eden first bloomed and knew not the blight so soon to darken the +earthly paradise by the rivers of the east. But I wander from my subject.</p> + +<p>I lived and worked on my father's farm until I was eighteen years of age. +As I have already said, even when a child I found myself sad and much +depressed at times. I could not bear the society of my companions, and at +such times would wander away alone to meditate and brood over my misery. At +the very threshold of life I was dissatisfied and discontented with my +surroundings. I was ever anxious and uneasy, ever longing for some +undefinable, unnamable something--I knew not what, but, O God, I knew the +desolation of feeling which was then mine. The sorrow of the grave is +lighter than that. My life has always been an active one--restless, uneasy, +and full of action, I naturally wanted to be doing something or going +somewhere. From the time I was seven years old up to the time I was fifteen +there was not a calf or colt on the farm that was not thoroughly broken to +work or to be ridden. In this work or pastime of breaking in calves and +colts I received sundry kicks, wounds, and bruises quite often, and still +upon my person are some of the marks imprinted by untamed animals. I only +speak of these things that the reader may know the character of my +temperament, and thus be enabled to judge more correctly of it when +influenced and excited by stimulants which will arouse to rash actions the +dullest organizations. I was invariably the last one to go to bed when +night came, but not the last to rise, for I always bounded out of bed ahead +of the others; and in this connection I can assert with truth that for over +twenty years I have not averaged over five hours of sleep out of every +twenty-four during that time. I have never found in all nature one object +or occupation that gave me more than a swiftly passing gleam of contentment +or pleasure. That the reader may clearly comprehend my present condition +and impartially judge as to my culpability in certain of my acts, I desire +that he may know the circumstances and surroundings of my childhood, for I +do solemnly aver that my sorrows and miseries were not of my own planting +in those days. While I believe that some men will be drunkards in spite of +almost everything that can be done for their relief, others there are, no +matter how surrounded, who never will be drunkards, but solely because they +abstain from ever tasting the insidious poison. Temperament has much to do +with the matter of drink, and could it be known and properly guarded +against, I believe that a majority of those having the strongest +predisposition to drink, if steps were taken in time, could be saved from +its inevitable end, which is madness and death. I would here say to parents +that it is their solemn duty to study well the disposition and temperament +of their children from the hour of their birth. By proper training and +restraint, all wrong impulses might be corrected and the child saved from a +life of shameful misery, while they would themselves escape the sorrow +which would come to them because of the wrong-doing of the child. While no +person is particularly to blame for my misspent life, yet I can clearly see +to-day how its worse than wasted years might have been years of use and +honor. Its every step might have been planted with actions the memory of +which would have been a blessing instead of a remorse.</p> + +<p>I have no recollection of a time when I had not an appetite for liquor. My +parents and friends of course knew that if it was taken in excess it would +lead to destruction, but in our quiet neighborhood, where little was known +of its excesses, no one dreamed of the fearful curse which slumbered in it +for me to awake. Had they had the least dread, fear, or anticipation of it +they would have left nothing undone that being done might have saved me. My +appetite for it was born with me, and was as much a part of myself as the +air I breathed. There are three kinds of inheritances, some of money and +lands, some of superior or great talents, and others of misfortunes. For +myself this misfortune was my inheritance. It came not to me directly from +my father or mother, but from my mother's father, and seemed to lie waiting +for me for three or four generations, and the mistakes and passion of long +dead great grandparents reappeared in me, thus fulfilling, with terrible +truth, the words of the divine book. It has been gathering strength until +when it broke forth its force has become wide-sweeping, irresistible and +rushing--a consuming power, devouring and sweeping away whatever dares to +arrest its onward progress. Never, never, in those long gone and innocent +years of my childhood did my father or mother dream that I, their much- +loved child, would ever become a drunkard. If there is anything good, +manly, noble or true, that is a part of me, I am indebted to them for it. +They loved me, and I worshiped them. The consciousness that I have caused +them to suffer so much has been the keenest sorrow of my life. My mother +(blessed be the name!) is now in heaven. When she died the light went out +from my soul. A pang more poignant than any known before pierced me through +and through. My father is living still, and I verily believe there is not a +son on earth who more truly and devotedly honors and loves his father than +I mine. But I desire to show that I am not wholly responsible for my +present unhappy condition. It is natural for every man to wish to excuse, +or at least try to soften the lines of his mistakes with palliating +reasons, and this I think right so long as the truth is adhered to, and +injustice is not done any one. I hope no one will think that I have +willfully trod the road to ruin, or sunk myself so low when I have desired +the opposite with my whole heart. I was a victim of the fell spirit of +alcohol before I realized it. I was raised in a place where opportunities +to drink were numerous, as everybody in those days kept liquor, and to +drink was not the dangerous and disgraceful thing it's now considered to +be. For a radius often miles from our house more people kept whisky in +their cupboards or cellars than were without it. I never heard a temperance +lecturer until I was twenty years of age, and but seldom heard of one. The +people were asleep while a great danger was gathering in the land--a danger +which is now known and seen, and which is so vast in its magnitude that the +combined strength of all who love peace, order, sobriety and happiness, is +scarcely sufficient to meet it in victorious combat.</p> + +<p>What associates I had in those days were among men rather than boys, and +the men I went with drank. They gave whisky to me and I drank it, and +whether they gave it or not, I wanted it. Some of those who gave me drinks +are no longer among the living, but neither of them nor of the living would +I speak unkindly, nor call up in the memory of one who may read this book a +thought that might excite a pang; but I would ask any such just to go back +ten, fifteen, and twenty years, and tell me where, are some of the wealthy, +influential men of that time? In the silence of the winding-sheet! How many +of them have hastened to death through the agency of whisky? And how few +suspected that slowly but surely they were poisoning the wellsprings of +life? How many are bankrupts now that might yet be in possession of +unincumbered farms, the possessors of peaceful homes, but for that thief +accursed--Liquor! Look, too, at some of the sons of these men, and say what +you see, for you behold lives wrecked and wretched. Need I tell you what +has wrought all this ruin? Need I say that intemperance is at the bottom of +it?</p> + +<p>The country where I lived in youth and boyhood was equal, if not superior, +to any surrounding it. My father's neighbors were all kind-hearted, +generous people, and some of them--many of them, indeed--were good +Christians, and yet I repeat that twenty years ago there was not a place of +a mile in extent but presented the opportunity for drinking. In every +little town and village whisky was kept in public and private houses. There +was, and yet is, near my father's farm two very small but ancient towns, +containing each some twenty or thirty houses, and both of these places have +been cursed with saloons in which liquor has been sold for the last thirty +years. Both of these towns were favorite resorts with me, especially the +one called Raleigh. I have been drunk oftener and longer at a time in +Raleigh than in any one place in Indiana. I have written thus of my +birthplace and surroundings, that the reader may know the temptations that +encompassed me about, and not to speak against any place or people. The +country in my father's neighborhood is peopled at this time with noble men +and women--prosperous, noted for kindness, generosity, and unpretending +virtue. I think if I had been raised where liquor was unknown, and had been +taught in early childhood the ruin which follows drinking--if I had had +this impressed on my mind, I would have grown up a sober and happy man, +notwithstanding my inherited appetite. I would have been a sober man, +instead of traversing step by step the downward road of dissipation. I am +easily impressed, and in early life might have been taught such lessons as +would forever have turned my feet from the wrong and desolation in which +they have stumbled so often--in which they have walked so swiftly. Instead +of dwelling with shadows of realities the most terrible, and brooding in +the cell of a maniac, I might have now communed with the pure and noble of +earth.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch3">CHAPTER III.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and silent +breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves and +promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for liquor-- +The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power of +appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement.</p> + +<p> +When I first started to school, log school houses were not yet things of +the past, and well do I remember the one which stood near the little stream +known as Hood's creek, and Sam Munger, from whom I first received +instruction. The next school I attended was in a log house near where +Ammon's mill now stands. I attended one or two summer terms at each of +these places. There is nothing remarkable connected with my early school- +days. They glided onward rapidly enough, but I saw and felt differently, it +seemed to me, from those around me; but this may be the experience of +others, only I think the melancholy, the fear, the unhappiness which hung +over me were not as marked in any one else. I studied but little, because +of my discontented and uneasy feeling, but I kept up with my lessons, and +have yet one or two prizes bestowed on me twenty years ago for being at the +head of my class the greater number of times.</p> + +<p>I recollect with painful clearness the first drink of liquor that ever +passed my lips. It has been more than twenty-four years since then, but my +memory calls it up as if it were only yesterday, with all the circumstances +under which I took it. It was in the time of threshing wheat, and then, as +in harvesting, log-rolling, and everything that required the cooperation of +neighbors, whisky was always more or less used. I was little more than six +years of age. A bottle containing liquor was set in the shadow of some +sheaves of wheat which stood near a wagon, and taking it I crawled under +the wagon with a neighbor now living in Raleigh. We began drinking from +this bottle and did not stop until we were both pitiably drunk. The boy who +took that first drink with me has since had some experience with the +effects of alcohol, but at this time he is bravely fighting the good battle +of sobriety and may God always give him the victory. I never could taste +liquor without getting drunk. When one drop passed my lips I became wild +for another, and another, until my sole thought was how to get enough to +satisfy the unquenchable thirst. To-day if I were to dip the point of a +needle into whisky and then touch my tongue with that needle, I would be +unable to resist the burning desire to drink which that infinitesimal atom +would awaken. I would get drunk if hell burst up out of the earth around +me--yes, if I could look down into the flames and see men whose eye-brows +were burnt off, and whose every hair was a burning, blazing, coiling, +hissing snake from their having used the deadly liquid. And if each of +these countless fiery snakes had a tongue of forked fire and could be heard +to scream for miles, and I knew that another drop would cause them to lick +my quivering flesh, yet would I take it. O horror of horrors! I would +plunge into the flames forever and ever. After I once taste I am powerless +to resist. When I was ten years of age I went one Sunday with a neighbor +boy several years older than I, riding on horseback. The course we took was +a favorite one with me for it led toward Raleigh, just north of which place +I contrived to get a pint or more of the poison called whisky. The doctor +from whom I got it had, of course, no idea that I was going to drink it, +especially all of it, but drink it I did, getting so completely under its +horrible influence that when I arrived at home I fell senseless against the +door. My father and mother heard me fall and came out and took me into the +house, and just as soon as the heat of the fire began to affect me, I sank +into a dead stupor; all consciousness was gone; all feeling was destroyed; +all intelligence was obliterated. I lay upon my bed that night wholly +oblivious to everything, knowing not, indeed, that such a creature as +myself ever existed. The morning came at last, and with it I opened my +eyes. Describe who can the thoughts which rushed through my distracted +brain. For a little while I knew not where I was or what I had done. My +head was throbbing, aching, bursting. I glanced about me and on either side +of my bed my father and mother knelt in prayer! Then did I remember what +had befallen me, and so keen was my remorse that I thought I would surely +die, and, in fact, I wanted to die. O, much loved parents--father on earth +and mother in heaven--how often since then have I felt anew the shame of +that terrible hour--how often have I seen your sacred faces, wet with the +tears of that trial, come before me, looking imploringly heavenward as if +beseeching for me the mercy of the infinite God!</p> + +<p>That morning the family gathered about the breakfast table, but what a +shadow rested over all. A solemnity of silent sorrow was upon us. The peace +of yesterday had flown with my return home, and the dark misery of my soul +tinged with the shade of the grave's desolation the clouds which were +gathering in our sky. O, how often have I prayed that the time might be +given back, and that it might be in my power to resist the curse; but the +past is implacable as death, and I must bear the tortures that belong to +the memory of that most unhappy day. That day, and for many succeeding +ones, I read an anguish in the saintly face of my mother that I had never +seen there before. My father also bore about with him a look of deep +suffering which haunted me for years. For one day I suffered intensely both +mentally and physically, but being of a strong, vigorous, and healthy +constitution, I was almost completely restored by the following morning. Of +course I resolved and promised my father and mother that I would never +again taste liquor. For some time I faithfully kept my promise, and for +weeks the very thought of liquor was revolting to me. No one becomes a +drunkard in a day or week. Alcohol is a subtle poison, and it takes a long +time for it to so undermine man's system that he finds life almost +intolerable unless stimulated by the hell-broth which must surely destroy +him in the end, unless he closes his lips like a vise against it. But for +me, I never could drink, from my childhood, without coming under the +influence of the accursed poison. I never drank because I liked the taste +of liquor, but because I liked the first effects of it. I was never able to +tell good liquor or rather pure alcohol--for such a thing as good liquor +has never been made--from the worst, the meanest, manufactured from drugs. +The latter may be more speedy than pure alcohol, but either will destroy +with fatal certainty and rapidity. I drank, as I have said, for the +effects, and in the first years of my drinking my first emotions were +pleasurable. It sent the blood rushing to the brain, and induced a +succession of vivid and pleasing thoughts. But invariably the depression +that followed was in the same ratio down as the former was up, and after a +time I lost that first pleasant, unnatural feeling, and drank only to +satisfy an indescribable passion or craving. At first the wine glass may +sparkle and foam, but let it never be forgotten that within that sparkle +and foam is concealed the glittering eye of the uncoiled adder. It is the +sparkle of a serpent's skin, the foam of the froth of death. Here I must +confess that for the past five or six years I have not been able to attain +one moment's pleasure from drinking. Every glass that I have touched has +proven to be the Dead Sea's fruit of ashes to my lips. I drank wildly, +insanely, and became oblivious for days and weeks together to all which was +about me, and finally awoke to the horrors which I had sought to drown, but +now intensified a thousand fold. No man ever buried sorrow in drunkenness. +He can not bury it that way any more than Eugene Aram could bury the body +of his victim with the weeds of the morass. Whoever seeks solace in whisky +will curse the hour which saw him commit a mistake so fatal. Woe to him who +looks for comfort in the intoxicating glass. He will see instead the +ghastly face of murdered hope, the distorted vision of a wasted life, his +own bloated corpse. The habit of drink after a time becomes more than a +mere habit; the system comes to demand and crave liquor, it permeates and +affects every part of the body until every function refuses to perform its +part until it has been aroused to action by its accustomed stimulant.</p> + +<p>The most hopeless and wretched slave on earth is he who has bound himself +with the fetters of alcohol, and it is a sad and lamentable truth that +among thousands very few ever escape from the soul-destroying, health- +ruining bondage of an appetite for intoxicating drink. There is only one +here and there of all the hosts that are enchained and cursed who succeeds +in breaking the bonds which bind body, soul and spirit. So far as the +prospect of success is concerned in winning men from evil, I would say, let +me go to the brazen-faced and foul-mouthed blasphemer of the holy Master's +name; let me go to the forger, who for long years has been using satanic +cunning to defraud his fellow-men; let me go to the murderer, who lies in +the shadow of the gallows, with red hands dripping with the blood of +innocence; but send me not to the lost human shape whose spirit is on fire, +and whose flesh is steaming and burning with the flames of hell. And why? +Because his will is enthralled in the direst bondage conceivable--his +manhood is in the dust, and a demon sits in the chariot of his soul, +lashing the fiery steeds of passion to maniacal madness. No possible motive +or combination of motives can be urged upon him which will stand a moment +before the infernal clamorings of his appetite. Wife, children, home, +relatives, reputation, honor, and the hope and prospect of heaven itself, +all flee before this fell destroyer. The sufferings and agonies untold of +one human soul securely bound by the chains forged by rum are enough to +make angels weep and devils laugh. I have no desire to discourage those who +have this habit fastened on them. I would not say to them: You can not +break away from it. I would do all in my power to aid and strengthen every +such person in any attempt he might make to be free. There is escape, but +courage is required to make it, and greater courage than has ever been +exhibited on the field of battle, amid the thunders of cannon, the roar of +deadly conflict, the gleam of sabre and glitter of bayonet. But rather than +die the drunkard's death, and go to the drunkard's eternal doom, every +drunkard can afford to make this fight. It were better, ten thousand times, +that every such one should do as I have done--voluntarily go to an asylum +and be restrained until he so far recovers that he can of his own will +resist temptation. And there is another aid--a strength stronger than our +own--God! He will help every unfortunate one that goes to him in sincerity +and humbly implores the divine aid.</p> + +<p>I desire here to make a statement in justice to myself. There are three +laws, the human, the natural and the divine. You may violate a human law, +and the judge, if he sees fit, may pardon your offense. If you violate the +divine law, God has prepared a way of escape, and promises pardon on +conditions within the reach of all, but for a violation of that which I +call natural law, there is no forgiveness. The penalty for every such +violation must be, and is, fully paid every time, and while natural laws +are as much a part of God's creation as the divine, he would no more set +aside a penalty for a violation of one of nature's laws than he would blot +out a part of his written word. Yet there are recuperative powers and +forces in nature that are wonderful, and there is a spiritual strength that +helps us to bear, and overcome, and endure every affliction. I was made a +new creature in Christ Jesus at Jeffersonville, Indiana, on the 21st of +last January, and had I then gone to work to recuperate and restore by all +natural means, my broken body, I am most certain that I never again would +have tasted liquor; but instead of using the means God had placed about me, +in the supreme ecstacy which comes to a redeemed, a new-born soul, I went +to work ten times more laboriously than ever, and soon completely exhausted +my bodily strength. My system was drained of every particle of its power to +resist the slightest attack of any kind whatsoever, much less to make a +successful struggle against my great enemy, and so, physically and mentally +exhausted when I was assailed by the black, foul fiend of alcohol, I fell, +and fell a second time. I resolved, yea, took an oath the most solemn, that +rather than again be overtaken by a disaster so dire, I would have myself +entombed within an asylum for the insane. Here at last, I was placed, and +here I intend to remain until nature shall restore to my body sufficient +strength to resist, with God's help, the next and every attack of my enemy. +As God is my witness, I had rather remain within these walls and listen to +the cries of the worst maniac here, from day to day, until the last hour of +my life--yes, and die and be buried here in the pauper's graveyard, than +ever again go out and drink. And now as I close this chapter with a full +heart, I go down on my knees in supplication to God for strength and grace +to keep me from that which has wrecked all my life and made it a continued +round of sorrow and shame. I ask every one who reads this chapter, to pray +to God for me with all your heart and soul. Oh! men and women, pray for +wretched, miserable, sorrowing, suffering, lonely me.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch4">CHAPTER IV.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive to +Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting a cigar-- +A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and what befell us +while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in a crib--Getting awake-- +The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna jug--Another debauch--The +exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting to college at Cincinnati-- +My companions--The destruction wrought by alcohol--Dr. Johnson's +declaration concerning the indulgence of this vice--A warning--A dangerous +fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. +Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous idea--Temperance the best aid to thought.</p> + +<p> +At the age of sixteen I started to school at Fairview, then as now, an +insignificant but pretty village, some four miles from where my father +lived. William M. Thrasher, at this time Professor of Mathematics in the +Butler University, at Irvington, near Indianapolis, was the teacher in +charge of that school, and it is to him that I am under obligations for +about all the "book learning" that I possess. True, I went to college after +that, but I merely skimmed over the studies there assigned me. While at +school at Fairview I improved every opportunity to drink. A fatal instinct +guided me to the rum shop. It was during the first winter of my attendance +at the Fairview school that I was guilty of my first debauch. A young man +from Connersville came over to attend school, and I would remark in passing +that his father was chiefly interested in sending him to Fairview because +he thought that his boy would here be out of temptation. He arrived at noon +one day, and we were immediately made acquainted with each other, an +acquaintance which ripened into friendship on the spot. The roads were in +good condition for sleighing, and the next morning I proposed a ride. He +gladly accepted my invitation, and together we drove to Falmouth. At +Falmouth we each took a drink, and this fired us with a desire for more. We +drove to a house not far away where liquor was kept by the barrel, and +tried to get some, but failed--for we waited and waited to be invited in +vain--for no invitation was extended to us. Disappointed and half crazy for +whisky, we left the house and started on further in pursuit of the curse. +After driving about eight miles we halted at a place called Smelser's +Mills, where we were supplied with a bottle of Hostetter's Bitters, which +we drank without delay, and which was strong enough to make us reasonably +drunk, but which, nevertheless, did not come up to our ideas of what liquor +should be. My experience has been that about the worst and cheapest whisky +ever sold is that sold under the name of "bitters," and it costs more than +the best in the market. Excuse the word "best," but certain parts of +Dante's hell are good by comparison. I say to all and every one, shun every +drink that intoxicates, and shun nothing quicker than the patent medicines +which contain liquor, and while you are about it, shun patent medicines +which do not contain liquor. The chances are that they contain a deadlier +poison called opium. At any rate they seldom cure and often kill.</p> + +<p>After drinking our bottle of poisonous slop--that is, Hostetter's Bitters-- +my friend and I began to boast, and each labored hard to impress the other +with his greatness. In order to make the proper impression, we agreed that +it was highly important that we should demonstrate the large quantity we +could drink and still be reasonably sober. I knew of a place a few miles +further on--a place called Hittle's--where I felt sure I could get whisky +without an immediate outlay of cash, a consideration of importance since +neither I nor my friend had a penny. We went to Hittle's, and there I was +successful in an attempt to get a quart of whisky, which we at once +proceeded to mix with the Hostetter article already burning up the lining +of our stomachs. The effect was not long in appearing, for in a little +while we were both very drunk, and I in particular was in the condition +best described as howling, crazy drunk. We stopped at a house to light our +cigars--for of course we both smoked and chewed tobacco--and as my friend +did not feel like getting out, I reeled into the kitchen and picked up a +shovelful of coals, which I lifted so near my mouth that I scorched my hair +and burnt my face, and, worse than all, singed the faint suggestion of a +mustache that was visible by the aid of a microscope, on my upper lip. +While I was engaged in lighting my cigar, a large dog--a tall, lean, much- +ribbed, lank and hungry-looking hound--went out to the sleigh, and my +friend induced him to accept passage with us; so when I got back to my seat +it was proposed that the hound should accompany us. I have often wondered +since if he was not heartily ashamed of being seen in our company that day; +but we made a martyr of him all the same.</p> + +<p>We drove off with a succession of whoops and yells, and carried the hound +in front. Our first halt was at Falmouth, where we ordered oysters. The +room in which we sat at table was quite small, and a large stove whose +sides were red with heat made it uncomfortably hot--especially for us who +were already in a sultry state. I had not sat at the table a minute when I +fell from my chair against the stove. My leg struck a hinge of the door, +and as my friend was too much overcome to realize my condition, I lay there +until the hinge burnt a hole through the leg of my pantaloons and then into +the flesh. I carry a scar to-day in memory of that time, and the scar is +about three inches long. The burn was over half an inch in depth. God only +knows what might have been the final result had not assistance soon come in +the person of the owner of the house. He called for help, and as soon as it +arrived we were placed in our sleigh, and by a kind of instinct drove to +Fairview. It was dark by the time we got into Fairview, but we contrived to +get our horse within the stable and that unfortunate hound into a corn- +crib, in which durance he howled so vigorously that the wild winds which +whistled and shrieked around the barn could not be heard for him. His +complaining lasted all night, and I do not think any one within a mile of +the crib slept that night, my friend and myself excepted. Ay, we slept-- +slept as I have so often slept since--a slumber as deep and oblivious as +death--a drunken sleep, from which we awoke to suffer hell's tortures so +justly merited by our conduct. I awoke with a throbbing, aching heart, but +by slow degrees did I become conscious that I had been somewhere in a +sleigh and done something either very desperate or very foolish, or both. +At first my mind was so muddled, so beclouded with the fumes of the +infernal "bitters" and whisky that I thought I had burned a city. While I +was trying to solve the mystery of my course, I was aided by a revelation +so sudden that it startled me, for the owner of the hound came galloping up +and fiercely demanded to know where his dog was. He rated us severely-- +accused us of stealing the animal, and threatened to prosecute us then and +there. I knew what we had done. In the meantime some one opened the door of +the crib and turned out the hound. He must have recognized the voice of his +master, for he joined the latter in his howling, and between them they gave +us good reason to wish that our ambition to keep that dog's company had +been in vain. The dog was more easily pacified than the man, but finally on +our offering to give him three plugs of tobacco to hush up the affair, he +became quiet and smoothed the ragged front of his anger. On adding a cigar +or two to the plugs, he brightened up and said we might have the "darned +houn'" any how, if we wanted him. But we had had enough of his society and +were willing to part from him without further expense.</p> + +<p>I don't think, seriously speaking, that I ever suffered more keenly from +the stings of remorse and fear than I did for one week after this debauch. +The remarkable part of it to me was our determination to take the dog. All +my life I have disliked dogs--dogs in general and hounds in particular. I +resolved never to drink again, and for some time kept the resolution.</p> + +<p>A few weeks following this "spree" there was an exhibition at the school +house, and several of the larger boys--myself among the number--assembled +themselves together, and, after a consultation, decided that, in order to +make the exhibition a success, there should be a limited amount of whisky +secured for our special use. We took up a collection, each contributing a +few cents, and two of the largest, tallest, and stoutest boys were +dispatched to Vienna, a small village three miles distant, to get it. A +vision of hounds passed before me, but the desire to get a drink drove them +yelping out of memory. The boys, on reaching Vienna, bargained for three +gallons of liquor, and brought it to our general headquarters. It was +wretched stuff--the vilest, meanest, rottenest poison that ever went under +the name of whisky. The boys who got it had carried it the three miles by +passing a stick through the handle of the jug. They got drunk on the way +back with it, and one of them fell into a branch, dragging the jug and the +other boy after him. Unfortunately the jug was not broken, and fortunately +the boys were not seriously hurt. It was a little after dark when they +stumbled across the meeting house yard to where we awaited them. The +following day we attacked the contents of the jug, and before midnight we +were all drunk--some rather moderately drunk, some very drunk, and some +dead drunk, as the phrase is. I myself was of the number that were dead +drunk. Some of the boys kept sober enough to fight, but I never would +fight, drunk or sober. I do not think I am a coward as regards personal +courage, and I really think the fear of hurting others restrained me from +ever mixing in brawls in those days.</p> + +<p>As the night wore away two or three of the boys became sober enough to hide +the jug, which they concealed in a corn-shock. These dragged the rest of us +to bed, although one of the party woke up in the wood-box with his head +downward and his feet dangling over the top of the box. Only those who have +been so unfortunate as to be in a similar condition can realize our state +of mental and physical feeling. Parched lips, scalded tongues, cracked +throats, throbbing temples, and burning shame were indisputably ours. So we +awoke on the morning of the day set apart for the exhibition, an exhibition +in which we were to appear before our respected teacher, friends and +relatives, besides all the people of the surrounding country. Early in the +day we commenced to get ready for the afternoon's work by resorting to the +same jug that so recently had bereft us temporarily of reason, and laid us +in the mud and snow. I only got one big drink of the poison and so +contrived to get through passably well with my part of the performance; +some of the boys got too much, and failed to remember anything, so that +they failed utterly and hid behind the curtains, and, taken all in all, we +did little or nothing toward the success of the exhibition or to making +those interested gratified with our parts. Some of the boys who figured on +the stage that day are dead; but others are alive and of those I am not the +only one writhing in the coils of the serpent of alcohol, though not one of +them has fallen so low as I. If at that time I might have been permitted to +lift the curtain and looked down future-ward through the unlighted years of +shame, and weariness, and suffering, I think the dreadful vision would have +stayed me forever in a career which has only grown darker and more +unendurable with every step. I kept on much in the same way, increasing in +length and frequency my ever recurring debauches, until the end of the +school term.</p> + +<p>I was well nigh twenty years of age, and from this place went to Cincinnati +to attend college. Here the opportunities to gratify my hereditary +appetite, made keen and sharp, and ever keener and sharper by indulgence, +were all about me. My companions were older and further advanced on the +road to ruin than I. My steps were more swift than ever before to tread the +path which leads surely to the everlasting bonfire. I could not fail to +notice while at college that the most brilliant and intellectual--those +whose future prospects were the most pleasing and bright--were the very +ones who most frequently drowned their hopes, and sapped their strength and +energy in alcoholic stimulants. O, vividly do I recall to mind examples of +heaven-bestowed genius, talent, health, and abilities, sacrificed on the +worse than bloody teocalli of this hideous and slimy devil, Intemperance! +How many master minds, instead of progressing sublimely through the broad, +deep, and august channels of thought, became impeded by the meshes and +clogs of intoxication, and were thus worse than prevented from exploring +the regions of immortal truth! How many dallied with the sirens of the wine +cup, until all power to grapple with great subjects was lost irrevocably! +How many are the instances in the world's history of great minds debased +and ruined by alcohol! Look back and around you at the lives of the +brightest literary geniuses and see how many are under the spell of this +Circe's baleful power! Think of the rich intelligences whose brightness has +prematurely faded and died away in the darkness of alcoholic night! What +hopes has alcohol destroyed! What resolves it has broken! What promises it +has blighted! Think of any or of all these things, and hasten to say with +Dr. Johnson that this vice of drink, if long indulged, will render +knowledge useless, wit ridiculous, and genius contemptible. Oh! how many +lost sons of earth, whose lamps of genius blazed only to light their +pathway to the tomb, might have achieved an inheritance of immortal fame +but for this vice, or disease as it may be.</p> + +<p>I write this with a hope that it may be a heeded warning to the +intellectual of earth, not less than the illiterate. The educated man is +more liable to suffer from strong stimulants than the man who is not +educated. Never was there a greater or more dangerous fallacy than that so +often urged, that the thinking functions are assisted by the use of +stimulating liquors or drugs. O, say some, Byron owed a great portion of +his inspiration to gin and water, and that was his Hippocrene. Nonsense! +His highest inspiration came from the beauty of the world and from God. +Lord Brougham, it has been declared, made his most brilliant speeches of +old port. Sheridan, it has been told, delivered some of his most sparkling +speeches when "half seas over." Eugene Sue found his genius in a bottle of +claret; Swinburne in absinthe, and so on. But who shall say what these +great, men lost and will lose in the end by this forcing process? Dr. W.B. +Carpenter, in referring to the supposed uses of alcohol in sustaining the +vital powers, says emphatically that the use of alcoholic stimulants is +dangerous and detrimental to the human mind, but admits that its use in +most persons is attended with a temporary excitation of mental activity, +lighting up the scintillations of genius into a brilliant flame, or +assisting in the prolongation of mental effort when the powers of the +nervous system would be otherwise exhausted. Concede this, and then answer +if it is not on such evidence that the common idea is based that alcohol is +a cause of inspiration, or that it supports the system to the endurance of +unusual mental labor. The idea is as erroneous as the no less prevalent +fallacy that alcoholic stimulants increase the power of physical exertion. +Physiologically the fact is established that the depression of the mental +energy consequent upon the undue excitement of alcoholic stimulants is no +less than the depression of the physical energy following its use. In +either case the added strength and exhilaration are of short duration, and +the depression and loss exceed the increased energy and the gain. The +influence of alcoholic stimulants seems to be chiefly exerted in exciting +to activity the creating and combining powers, such as give rise to the +high imaginations of the poet and the painter. It is not to be wondered at +that men possessing such splendid powers should have recourse to alcoholic +stimulants as a means of procuring often temporary exaltation of these +powers and of escaping from the seasons of depression to which they and +others of less high organizations are subject. Nor is it to be denied that +many of these mental productions which are most strongly marked by the +inspiration of genius, have been thrown off under the inspiration of the +stimulating influences of liquor. But it can not, on the other hand, be +doubted that the depression consequent upon the high degree of mental +excitement is, as already observed, as great as the first in its way--a +depression so great that it sometimes destroys temporarily the power of +effort. Hence it does not follow that the authors of the productions in +question have really been benefited by the use of these stimulants.</p> + +<p>It is the testimony of general experience that where men of genius have +habitually had recourse to alcoholic stimulants for the excitement of their +powers they have died at an early age, as if in consequence of the +premature exhaustion of their nervous energy. Mozart, Burns, Byron, Poe and +Chatterton may be cited as remarkable examples of this result. Hence, +although their light may have burned with a brighter glow, like a +combustible substance in an atmosphere of oxygen, the consumption of +material was more rapid, and though it may have shone with a more sober +lustre without such aid, we can not but believe that it would have been +steadier and less premature without it. We may also doubt that the finest +poems and the finest pictures have been written and painted even by those +in the habit of drinking while they were under the influence of liquor. We +do not usually find that the men most distinguished for a combination of +powers called talent or genius, are disposed to make such use of alcoholic +stimulants for the purpose of augmenting their mental powers, for that +spontaneous activity of mind itself which alcohol has a tendency to excite +is not favorable to the exercise of the observing faculties, which are so +important to the imagination, nor to those of reason, nor to steady +concentration on any given subject, where profound investigation or clear +sight is desirable.</p> + +<p>Of this we have an illustration in the habit of practical gamblers who, +when about to engage in contests requiring the keenest observation and the +most sagacious calculation, and involving an important stake, always keep +themselves cool either by total abstinence from fermented liquors, or by +the use of those of the weakest kind, in very small quantities. We find +that the greatest part of that intellectual labor which has most extended +the domain of thought and human knowledge has been performed by men of +sobriety, many of them having been drinkers of water only. Under this last +category may be ranked Demosthenes, Johnson, Haller, Bacon, Milton, Dante, +etc. Johnson, it is true, was a great tea drinker. Voltaire drank coffee at +times to excess, and occasionally a small quantity of light wine. So, also, +did Fontenelle. Newton solaced himself with the fumes of tobacco. Of Locke, +whose long life was devoted to constant intellectual labor, who appears +independently of his eminence in his special objects of pursuit one of the +best informed men of his time, the following explicit testimony is found by +one who knew him well: His diet was the same as that of other people, +except he usually drank nothing but water, and he thought that his +abstinence in this respect had preserved his life so long, although +naturally his constitution was so weak. In addition to these examples, +which I have quoted at length, I might also mention the case of Cornaro, +the old Italian philosopher, who at the age of thirty-five found himself on +a bed of misery and imminent death through intemperance. He amended his way +of life, and for upwards of four score years after, by a temperate course +of living, lived happily and did all the important work which has placed +his name among the men of great intellectual powers.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch5">CHAPTER V.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer brawls-- +County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white oxen--The +"red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I found myself in +the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching under difficulties--Quiet +again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on a spree"--What a spree means.</p> + +<p> +I left college in the spring of 1866, and returned home to the farm where I +spent the summer and autumn months in a very nervous and discontented +manner. For over four months my mental condition bordered on that of a +maniac, so completely had the use of liquor shattered my nervous system. I +became alarmed at my state, and for a time was deterred from drinking, or, +if I drank at all, the quantity was small. But fresh air and the little +work which I did on the farm, soon restored me. As the summer wore away I +attended pleasure parties, and found, not happiness, but a moment's +forgetfulness among the merry picnic parties in the woods. I had also the +distinguished honor of actually superintending and presiding over two of +these festivities, both of which were held in Horace Elwell's woods, on the +unsung, but classically rustic banks of Tom. Hall's mill-dam, near the +village which bears the historic and great name of Raleigh. I succeeded in +tiding myself through the first picnic without getting drunk. I mean more +particularly that I remained sober during the day--that is, sober enough to +keep it from being known that I had drank more than once or twice; but that +night at the ball at Louisville, I bit the dust, or, to get at the truth +more literally and unrhetorically, I fell down stairs and came within a +point of breaking my neck. Had I been sober the fall would have put an end +then and there to my miserable and worthless existence; but lest any one +should argue from this that after all whisky sometimes saves life, I would +have them bear in mind that if I had been sober the chances are I would not +have fallen.</p> + +<p>The next picnic was sadly interfered with by a violent storm of wind and +rain, which came up the day before the one set apart for it. The water +washed the sawdust which had been sprinkled on the ground for the dancers' +benefit into Hall's fretful mill-race, and thence down into the turbulent +and swollen Flat Rock. This, as well as other creeks, became so high that +it was out of the question to ford them. The boys could get to the grounds +very well, and many of them did get there, but the girls were not of a mind +to risk their lives for a day's doubtful amusement, and so the picnic +failed in the beginning. The young men--myself, of course, in the lot-- +determined to have what was called "fun" at any rate, and to this end they +congregated during the day at Raleigh. Mr. Sam Crawford had an abundant +supply of beer and ale, and I wish to say that if there are any persons so +innocent as to doubt that beer and ale intoxicate they would change from +doubt to faith in the power of these slops to make men drunk, could they +experience or see what took place at Raleigh on that day. They would be +willing to testify in any court that beer will not only intoxicate, but, +taken in sufficient quantities, it will make men beastly drunk and fill +them with a spirit of fiendish cruelty. There were on that day as many as +four fights, with enough miscellaneous howling, cursing and billingsgate to +fill out the natural make-up of a hundred more. I was drunk--so drunk that +I did not know at the last whether my name was Benson or Bennington. I +suppose I would have sworn to the latter, had the question been raised, but +it was not. I did not fight, for, as I have said, I seemed to have an +instinctive dread of doing something terrible in the event of my getting +engaged in combat with another. Like Falstaff, it may be, I was a coward on +instinct. I have always thought, moreover, that the Hudibrastic aphorism is +worthy of practice, because nothing can be more evident than the fact that</p> + +<blockquote> + "—He who runs away <br /> + May live to fight another day." +</blockquote> + +<p>From that time to the commencement of the season for county fairs, five or +six weeks later, I kept in a condition of sobriety. County fairs, I wish to +say, and especially the Rush county fairs, did more toward bringing on the +disastrous career which has been mine--a career which has befouled the +record of my life and marked almost every page of its history--witness this +biography--with blots of shame, discord and unholy suffering than any other +cause of an external character. I was very young when I first commenced to +take stock to the fair to exhibit for premiums. I always went on the first +day, and always remained until the fair came to a close, staying on the +grounds night and day. There was a vagabond element in my nature which +harmonized perfectly with this sort of life. The men with whom I associated +were, in general, of that class who like liquor alone or in company, and +each had his jug of favorite whisky, which was supposed to be a sure +preventive against cold and colds in cold weather, and against heat and +fever in hot weather. If invited to drink the rule was to accept +immediately and return the courtesy as soon as convenient.</p> + +<p>In those days I was the proud possessor of a yoke of white oxen, and I made +it a point to exhibit them at every fair within my reach, for they +invariably won the Red Ribbon, then a mark of the first prize. Alas, that +it did not mean to me what it now does! It meant anything rather than total +abstinence; it was an unfailing sign of drunkenness; it told of shameful +revels, of days of debauchery and nights of misery when not passed in +beastly slumber. That ribbon is now a symbol of holy temperance--it was +then a souvenir of days of disorder and evil-doing.</p> + +<p>During the winter I was engaged to teach a district school, and for three +months managed to keep tolerably sober--that is, I did not get drunk more +than three or four times, and then on Saturday nights and Sundays. One +Sunday--it was the coldest day that winter--I went to Falmouth and visited +a drinking place kept by one McPhillipps. While there I drank eleven +glasses of whisky. At nine o'clock in the evening, I can indistinctly +remember, I mounted my horse and started home, and from that moment until +the next day I knew nothing whatever that took place. From the way I was +bruised and battered I judge that I must have struck almost every fence +corner between McPhillipps' place and home. My legs were in a woful plight, +and having turned black and blue, they were frightful to see. On arriving +at the gate which led into the front yard at home, I fell off my horse and +tumbled to the ground, a wretched heap of helpless clay. I remained on the +ground, lying in the snow, until I froze my hands, feet, and ears. It was +about three o'clock in the morning when I got to the house. So they told +me, for I have no knowledge of going, and, indeed, I remembered nothing +that took place.</p> + +<p>When I came to consciousness I found myself wrapped up in a blanket, lying +in bed, with hot bricks at my feet. I was in the room occupied by father +and mother, and the first object that met my wandering sight was the face +of my mother. The look with which she regarded me will never fade from my +memory. There was in it the sorrow and anguish of death. She rose from her +bed at sight of me, and with streaming eyes and screaming voice called the +family up to bid them good-by; she said she was dying--that I had killed +her. I sprang from my bed in such a horror of terrible suffering, mental +and physical, as never swept over the body and soul of mortal man. I felt +my heart thumping and beating as though it would burst forth from my bosom; +the hot, hissing blood rushed to my aching, fevered brain, and a torrent of +sweat burst forth on my icy forehead. I could not have suffered more +physical agony had a thousand swords been driven through my quivering body, +nor would my miserable soul have been in more insufferable pain had it been +confined in the regions of the damned. It was some time before anything +like quiet was restored, but as soon as it was, some of the family went to +the gate and found my hat and took charge of the horse which I had ridden. +That morning I dragged myself to school with a sad, heavy heart. As my +scholars came in, they seemed to understand that something was the matter +with me, and often during the day their wondering looks were directed +toward me as if they sought some explanation of my appearance. The day was +a long and weary one to me--a day, like many another since then, of most +intense wretchedness. About noon one of my feet became so swollen that it +was necessary for me to take off my boot, and by the time I dismissed +school it had got so bad that I could not draw on my boot, so that I had to +walk home, a distance of one mile, over the frozen ground with nothing to +protect my foot but a woolen sock. On entering the house, my mother burst +into tears at sight of me. I must have been a pitiable object, and yet how +little did I deserve the wealth of priceless sympathy lavished upon me. +That night, and many nights succeeding it, the only way I could get into +bed was to put an old-fashioned chair with rounds in the back, beside the +bed and crawl up round by round until I got on a level with the bed, and +then let go and fall over into the bed.</p> + +<p>It is needless for me to say that I firmly resolved and honestly felt that +I would never again taste the liquor which leads to madness, misery, and +death. For some time I kept my resolution; and would to God that I could +here conclude by saying that I never again allowed a drop of it to pass my +lips. But I am writing an autobiography, and I have told you that I would +not shrink from telling the truth. So it will happen that other and still +more desperate and disgraceful episodes of drunkenness will have to be +recorded.</p> + +<p>In the spring of 1867 I went to Connersville, and began the study of law +with the Hon. John S. Reid. Unfortunately, and I fear designedly, I made my +acquaintances among, and selected my companions from, the most dissolute, +idle, and intemperate class of young men in the town. Connersville then had +and still has among its citizens some very wealthy men, who suffered their +boys to grow up without much care, mostly in idleness. As might be expected +the indifference of the fathers, joined to the natural inclinations of the +sons, has proved the ruin of the latter. I now call to mind several of +those young men who are hopeless and complete wrecks. Idleness and +dissipation have done their terrible work in every case which I call to +mind.</p> + +<p>I read a little law, and drank a great deal of whisky, and as a natural +consequence the time then passing was for the most part worse than lost. Up +to this period the duration of my sprees was not longer than a day and +night. They now were not confined to one day, for when I went out on what +is called a "regular spree," it was liable to be two or three days, as it +has since been two or three weeks, before I got back. Got back! Where from? +The reader knows too well.</p> + +<p>Out on a spree! These are melancholy and heart-breaking words. Out on a +spree! Oh, how much of misery is implied! Out on a spree! Readers, every +one, I hope you will never have it said that you are out on a spree. To go +out on a spree is to throw away strength, without which the battle of life +can not be fought; it is to squander money which you may need badly for the +necessaries of life, which had better be thrown into the fire and burnt up +than spent in such a way; it is to quench the light of ambition, to crush +hope, entomb joy, lay waste the powers of the mind, neglect duty, desert +the family, and commit in the end suicide. Arson may have walked by your +side while out on a spree, red murder may have grinned, dagger in hand, +upon you, and death stalked within your shadow, ready in a thousand ways to +strike you down. Don't go out on sprees. Think of the pity of them, the +wrong, the disgrace, the remorse, the misery. Going on an occasional spree +only will not do. Some men will keep sober for weeks, and even months, but +a birthday, or a wedding, or a national holiday, or a fit of the blues, or +a streak of good luck, starts them off, and habit, like a smouldering +flame, breaks out, and for a time all is over. Such men scotch, but they do +not kill the cobra of intemperance, and soon or late the other result will +follow, the snake will kill them. The reptile is tenacious of life, and so +long as the life remains there is danger from the deadly venom of its +tooth. Those who have never formed the habit of drinking had better die at +once than live to form it. Those who have formed the habit should subdue it +and never enter into a compromise with it. The good effects of months of +abstinence may be swept away in an hour. Open the flood-gates of indulgence +never so little and the torrent will force its way through and drown every +worthy resolution. Its tide is next to resistless. Days of drunkenness +succeed, months of self-denial are lost, and deplorable results follow +everywhere. Wives are driven to desperation, mothers to despair, children +to want. Demoralization, starvation, damnation follow. Friends are +separated, homes are desolated, and souls are driven to hell itself, and +yet people will talk lightly, and even jokingly of the very thing which +leads to these terrible losses and sufferings--out on a spree.</p> + +<p>Debauches not only destroy all capacity for usefulness while they last, but +they demand the vital strength which has wisely been gathered in the system +for days of possible need, when sickness and natural infirmities will lay +hands on the mind or body. The debauch of to-day will borrow from to-morrow +or from next week, or month, or year, that which can not be restored. The +bloated face, the dull, glassy eye, the furtive glance of fear and shame, +the trembling gait, all speak of ravages produced by other causes than +those of time. Indeed, the flight of years can produce no such effects, for +inexorable and wearing as fleeting days and months are, their natural +results differ very widely from those which are caused by an abuse of the +powers of nature. Besides this, many men who are shattered wrecks are still +young in years, and the dew of youth but for dissipation might yet have +glistened on their foreheads.</p> + +<p>It was at this period that the appetite burst forth in a fearful flame +which scorched life itself, and burnt every energy of my being. It was fast +getting to be a consuming, craving, devouring passion, subjecting my very +soul to its dreadful tyranny. My spells increased in frequency, and their +duration was more and more prolonged. I would remain drunk from eight to +ten days, until I got so nervous that I could not sleep, and night after +night I would be counting the hours and longing for morning, which, when it +came with its blessed light, gradually revealing the pattern of the paper +on the walls, caused me to hide my face in the bedclothes and wish for +black and never-ending night to come and hide me from the world and my +misery. From such vigils, feverish and unrefreshed, it may easily be +supposed that I sought the open window in anguish, and bathed my aching, +throbbing forehead in the cool, pure air. At last my condition became so +deplorable that my friends sent my father word to come and take me home, +which he did. While at Connersville, in all my dark and desolate trials, +William Beck was my friend and helper. He never then forsook me, and he +never since has forsaken me, but still remains my faithful and sympathizing +friend--a friend whose valuation is beyond gold, and for whom I entertain +the deepest feelings of gratitude. I returned home with my father and +remained several months, keeping sober all the while. During most of the +time I applied myself vigorously to the study of the law, making rapid +progress.</p> + +<p>I believe I have as yet not stated that, in the intervals long or short +between my sprees, I abstained totally from the use of ardent spirits. I +never could and never did drink in moderation. One drink would always +kindle such a fire in my blood that it was out of my power to prevent its +spreading into a conflagration. I have very many times been accused of +"drinking on the sly," as they say, but every such accusation is false. I +have also been accused of using opium. I know the pitiable wretch that +started that lie--for it is a lie--and the poor dupe that repeated it. For +five years my appetite has been so fierce at times, that, I repeat, had I +touched the point of the finest needle in alcohol and placed it to my +tongue, I would have got drunk had I known that that drunk would have +plunged my soul into hell and eternal torments. O appetite, cold, cruel, +heartless, accursed, consuming, devouring appetite! No other malady like +thee ever afflicted man. Would that I could paint thee, in all thy accursed +hideousness, in letters of unfading fire, and write them in the vaulted +firmament to flame forth to all generations to come their eternal warning.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch6">CHAPTER VI.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Law Practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad to worse- +-My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, God!"-- +Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's duty-- +Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol.</p> + +<p> +My next move was to Rushville, where I opened an office and commenced +practicing law. For a time I kept sober, and was so successful in my +profession that from the very beginning I more than made my expenses. In +fact my prospects for a brilliant career as a lawyer seemed most +flattering. The predictions were many that an uncommon future lay before +me, but, alas, I could stand prosperity no better than adversity. My +appetite grew to such a craving for stimulants that it tortured me. It had +slumbered for weeks, as it has since, only to make itself manifest in the +end with the force of a hurricane. While it had appeared to sleep it was +gathering strength. At the time it dragged me down I was boarding with some +others at the house of an elderly widow. So completely was I transformed +from a man into something debased that I went to her house and fell through +the front door on the floor dead drunk. The landlady had me carried back to +my office, where I lay like a water-sodden log, wholly unconscious, until +the next morning. When I awoke I had no knowledge of anything that had +happened. My friends informed me of my fall at the house, and of their +bearing me back to the office. I upbraided myself bitterly, but it was days +before I had the courage to show my face on the streets, so keen were my +shame and sense of disgrace. Time softens the wildest remorse, and in a few +weeks I regained a state of quiet feeling. But unfortunately most of my +associates were among the class of young men who are never averse to taking +a drink, and it was not long before I found myself again visiting the +saloons, although I did not give up right away to take a drink with them. +But I got to staying in the saloons more than in my office, and began to go +down steadily. Good people who felt sorry for me, and who wanted to aid me, +would do nothing for me unless I would do something for myself, and this I +could not, or did not do.</p> + +<p>I moved from office to office, always descending in respectability, because +always violating my promises not to drink. Occasionally I would make a +desperate effort to reform, gathering about me every element of strength +which I could possibly command, and for a while I would be successful, but +just as hope would begin to light up my darkened path and my friends begin +to feel a new-born confidence in me, an infernal and terrible desire would +take possession of me, and in a moment all that I had gained would be swept +away by my yielding to the demon that tempted me. A debauch longer and more +utterly sickening and vile than the last followed, after which I would +settle down into a condition of hopelessness which would appal the bravest +and strongest. So deplorable, indeed, was my feeling regarding the matter +that then, as since, I kept on drinking for days after the appetite had +left me or had been satiated, in order to deaden the horrible agony that I +knew would crush me when my reason returned.</p> + +<p>I now come to an event in my life which affected me at the time beyond the +power of words, and which I can not without tears of choking sorrow even +now dwell upon. I refer to the death of my mother, which occurred during +the winter after my going to Rushville in 1867. She had been sick a long +time, and had suffered very intense pain, but for days before her death I +think she forgot her own physical torments in anxiety and solicitude about +me. I went home a few days before she died, and remained with her until the +last. She talked to me much and often, always begging and pleading with me +as only a dying mother can plead, to save myself from the life of a +drunkard. I promised her solemnly and honestly that I would never again +taste liquor. As I gazed upon her wasted face and read death in every +lineament, and heard the dread angel's approach in every breath of pain she +drew, and saw above all in her fast dimming eye that the horrors of her +approaching dissolution were almost unthought of in her care for me, I +resolved deep down in my heart never to taste liquor again, and kneeling by +her dying form, I called heaven to witness that no more, oh, never, never +more, would I go in the way of the drunkard, or touch, in any form, the +unpitying and soul-destroying curse. I looked on her face, which was +growing strangely calm and white. She was dead, and it came upon me that +she who had loved and suffered most for me, and without a reproach, was +never more to look upon me again or speak words of comfort and aid to my +ears, so often unheeding. At that moment, looking through scalding tears at +her holy face, and afterwards when I heard the grave clods falling with +their terrible sound upon her coffin lid, I swore that I would keep my +promise, no matter what the temptation to break it might be. She would not +be here to see my triumph, but I would conquer for her memory's sake, and +all would be well. I swore by earth, sea, and sky, never, never to break +the promise made to her in the moment of her dying. That promise I broke +within two months from the day it was solemnized by my mother's death. I +shudder still, remembering the agony of that fall. Broken, oh God!--the +promise has been broken, is what first entered my mind. Never before had I +suffered as I then suffered.</p> + +<p>My wild revel was protracted for days out of dread of the awful sorrow and +remorse that I knew must surely come on my getting sober. My mother +appeared to me in my troubled dreams, and talked to me as in life. Many +times in my slumber, and in my waking fancies did I see her pale, troubled +face, with her pitying eyes looking on me as from that bed of pain and +death, and at such times I reached out my hands toward her in mute pleading +for forgiveness, forgetting or not knowing that she was dead. But the +moment soon came when the truth was flashed through the blackness of night +upon me, and then my misery was more than I could bear. For years before +her death I had lain in my bed and listened to her moaning in her troubled +sleep, to the sighs which escaped from her heart and that of my father, and +I promised the God of my hoped-for salvation that if he would only let me +live I would no more give them pain. Cold, clammy sweat broke out over my +face, and my heart beat so low, and slow, and weak, that in very terror I +felt that my eyeballs were bursting from my head. Again and again I begged, +and plead, and prayed that God would spare me and let me live until I could +convince my father and mother that I never would drink again. But my +prayers were not answered. My mother went out from me in fear, and dread, +and doubt. My father lives, but for me he has little or no hope. If ever a +mortal longed and yearned for one thing more than another in this uncertain +existence, I long for a peaceful and quiet evening of life for my beloved +father. I implore the Father of all of us to give me grace and strength +enough to keep sober until my remaining parent is fully persuaded that I am +truly and beyond question saved from the curse which has driven me to an +asylum, and well nigh sent him, a broken-hearted man, to his grave. O for a +strength which will forever enable me to resist the hell-born and hell- +supported power of the fiend Alcohol! Could I do this and have my father +know it his dying hour would be full of sweet peace, and a joy so shining +that its light would drive afar off the shadows of his death agony. In that +knowledge death would be vanquished and heaven would stoop to earth and +cover his grave with glory. Oh, God! Grant me this one boon! Give me this +one request! In every step of my life I have disappointed him. In the +future let all other hopes, and joys, and aspirations die, if needs be, all +but this--this one--that I may never in any way touch liquor again. May +every man and woman who sees this allow their hearts to go out in an +earnest prayer that I may succeed in this one thing. It is now too late for +me to reach the bright promises of other years. It is now too late for me +to regain all that has been lost, but this I would do, and it will make me +feel at the last that I have not lived altogether to be a remorse and shame +to those who are bound to me by ties which can not be broken. God may +answer your prayers if not mine, so that from the throne of heavenly grace +may come the peace and rest for which my weary soul has sought so long in +vain.</p> + +<p>When I drank after my mother's death, many persons took occasion, on +learning of it, to censure me in unsparing terms. It was even said that I +did not love my mother in life, that I had no respect for her memory in +death, and that I was a heartless wretch. These persons had no knowledge of +the power of my appetite. They did not know that the passion for liquor, +once developed or firmly established, is stronger in its unholy energy than +the love of the heart--of my heart, at least--for mother, father, brother, +or sister. But let me beg that I may not be charged with indifference to my +mother's memory. She comes before me now; she who was a true wife, a +faithful friend, a loving and gentle mother, and I kneel to her and pray +her blessing and pardon--I would clasp her to my heart, but alas! when I +would touch her, the bitter memory comes that she is gone. But I would not +repine, for I know she is with her God. Her life was pure and blameless, +and her soul, on leaving its weary earthly tabernacle, passed to its +inheritance--a mansion incorruptible, and one that will not fade away. She +bore her cross without a murmer of complaint, and she has been crowned +where the spirit of the just are made perfect. Blessed are the pure in +heart, we read, and I know that I am not misquoting the spirit of the holy +book when I say for the same reason, blessed is my mother, for she was pure +of heart, and passed from tribulation to peace, from night to day, from +sorrow to joy, from weariness to rest--rest in the bosom of God.</p> + +<p>It may be that some young man will read these pages whose mother is still +among the living. I do not think that such a one will be without love for +his mother--a dear, compassionate, doating, gentle mother, who loved him +before he knew the name of love; who sang him to sleep in the years that +were, and awoke him with kisses on the bright mornings long ago; who bathed +his head with a soft hand when it throbbed with pain, and smiled when the +glow of health was on his cheek. She wept holy tears when he suffered, and +when he was delighted her heart beat with pleasure. It was she who taught +him that august prayer which is sacred in its simplicity to childhood. She +is aged now; her wealth of brown hair is white with age's winter, her step +is no longer quick, her eye has lost its lustre, and her hand is shaken +with the palsy of lost vigor. There are wrinkles in her brow and hollows in +the cheeks which were once so lovely that his father would have bartered a +kingdom for them. She is sitting by the side of the tomb waiting for the +mysterious summons which must soon come. Oh, young man, you for whom this +mother has suffered, you for whom she cherishes a love which is priceless +and deathless, you will not hasten her into eternity by an act, or word, or +look, will you? It would kill her to know that you had fallen under sin's +destroying stroke. Sometimes she goes to the portrait of your boyish face +and looks at it; at other times she takes down some worn and faded garment, +that you were wont to wear in those beautiful days of the past, and recalls +how you looked when you wore it; then she goes to the room where you used +to sleep and looks at the cradle in which she so often rocked you to sleep, +and, after all is seen, she returns to her chair--the old easy chair--and +waits to hear tidings of you. What would you have her know?</p> + +<p>What news of yourself can you send her? Think of it well. Will you put your +wayward foot on her tender and feeble heart? Is her breathing so easy that +you would impede it with a brutal stab? Oh, if you know no pity for +yourself, have some for her. You will not murder her, will you? Yes, you +reply, and the laughter of mocking devils floats up from the caves of hell- +-"Yes! give me more rum!" Now, hear the truth: The time will come when the +grass will seem to wither from your feet, pain will stifle your breath, +remorse will gnaw your heart and fill all your days and nights with misery +unspeakable; your dreams will torture you in sleep, and your waking +thoughts will be torments; your path will lie in gloom, and your bed will +be a pillow of thorns. You will cry in vain for that departed mother. You +will beg heaven to give her back, but the grave will be silent. The grasses +are creeping over her tomb, and the white hands have crumbled upon her +faithful breast. But no, you will not kill her. You will not call for rum. +I have wronged you, thank God! You will be a man. You are a man. You will +lay this book down, and swear that you will never touch the accursed, +ruinous drink, and you will keep your oath. By sobriety and good habits you +will lengthen your mother's days in the land, and smooth her troubled brow, +and give strength to her failing limbs.</p> + +<p>Rum is a dreadful knife whose edge is never red with blood, but which yet +severs throats from ear to ear. It assassinates the peace of families, it +cuts away honor from the family name, it lets out the vital spark of life, +and is followed by inconsolable death. It pierces hearts, and enters the +bosom of trust, goring it with gashes which God alone can heal. Rum is a +robber who is deaf to hungry children's cries and famished wives' +pleadings. He is a fell destroyer from whom peace and comfort and content +fly. No one can afford to be his subject, and it is the duty of every one +to rise in arms against him. Let him be cursed everywhere. Let anathemas be +hurled against him by the young and old of both sexes. Death is an angel of +mercy sometimes--this destroyer never. Death may open the gates of heaven +to every victim, but this destroyer can unbar alone the gates of hell. He +takes away concord and love and joy, and in their stead leaves the horror +and misery of pandemonium!</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch7">CHAPTER VII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking corn- +-My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious journey-- +Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the damned--Heavenly +hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the woods--At Mr. +Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded by devils-- +Fears and sorrows--No rest.</p> + +<p> +From this time until I tried to break the terrible chain that bound me by +lecturing on the miseries and evils of intemperance, my life was one long, +hopeless, blank, black night. More than one half of the time for five years +I was dead to everything but my own despairing, helpless, pitiable and +despicable condition. I was afloat without provision, sail, or compass, on +an ocean of darkness, and from one period of deeper gloom to another I +expected to go down in the sightless oblivion and so end my accursed +existence. I could see no prospect of a rift in the curtain of pitchy cloud +which hung over me. I was myself an ever-shifting, restless, uneasy +tempest. My unrest and nervous dread of some swift approaching doom too +awful to be conceived became so intense and real that I fled from place to +place. Not unfrequently I came to myself during these epochs of madness and +found that I was a hundred or more miles from home, without friends, +respectable or even sufficient clothing, or money--a bloated and beastly +wreck. I know not how I ever found my way back, or why I prolonged my life +under such circumstances; but it seems the instinct called self- +preservation was yet stronger than the ills which assailed me. Days were +like weeks to me, and weeks as months, and mouths as years, and in all and +through all I managed to crawl forward toward the grave which is still out +yonder in the future, finding no pleasure in myself and no delight in +anything beautiful and holy. As I lift the dread curtain and glance +tremblingly along the path which stretches through the funereal shadows of +the past, I feel that it was a thousand years ago when I was a child in my +mother's dear protecting arms. Sin may have moments of pleasure, but the +pleasure is but a hollow semblance in advance of seemingly never-ending +hours of remorse and suffering.</p> + +<p>More than once I made desperate efforts to escape from my humiliating +thraldom, and, as I was sober during the days of struggle, I sought and +found business, and thus managed to secure a little money, although most of +my clients were poor and anything but influential. I always did my best for +them, however, and seldom lost a case. But at the end of a few days a +strange, undefinable, uneasy feeling began to crawl over me and crept into +my heart; I became more and more restless, anxious and nervous. I was soon +too uneasy to sit still or lie down. Horrible sufferings, agonies untold, +woe unspeakable, deprived me of reason, and when I had the inclination I +had not the will to guide myself aright. Then all of a sudden, my fierce +and unrelenting appetite would sweep, vulture like, down upon me, and I +would feel myself on the point of giving way. After this I would rally for +a brief season, but only to sink into still deeper misery and desperation. +There were days without food, and nights without sleep, but--God pity me!-- +not without liquor. I lived on the hellish liquid alone, and such a life! +The devils of the lower world could see nothing to envy in it. It was worse +than their own torture. The quantity of liquor which I now required was +enormous. I have drank, on the closing days of a spree, one gallon of +whisky within the duration of twenty-four hours, and when I could not get +whisky, I would drink alcohol, vinegar, camphor, liniment, pepper-sauce--in +short, anything that would have a tendency to heat my stomach. I would have +drank fire could I have done so knowing that it would satisfy the thirst +that was consuming me. I left untried no means that would enable me to +break away from my appetite. For two or three summers after I began +practicing law, I went into the country and engaged myself to plow corn at +seventy-five cents per day, in order to keep myself as long as possible +from the dangers of the town. In the autumn season, after a debauch of +weeks, I have hired out and shucked or husked corn in order to get money +with which to buy myself boots and winter clothing. I occasionally taught +school in the country, but not for money, for I have made more at my +profession, when in a condition to practice it, in a single day than I got +for teaching a whole month. My object was to free myself, to break my +manacles, to open the door of my prison cell and walk forth in the upright +posture of a man. Sadly I write, "in vain!" If I fled, the demon outran me; +if I broke a link, the demon moulded another; if I prayed, he put the curse +into my mouth. As I look back over my horror-haunted, broken, misspent, and +false existence, I realize how worthless I am, and I see that my life is a +failure. I am in my thirty-second year, and am prematurely old, without the +wisdom, or gray hairs, or goodness, or truth, or respect which should +accompany age. My heart is frosty but not my hair.</p> + +<p>I will now endeavor to recite some of the scenes through which I passed, +that the reader may form for himself an opinion regarding my sufferings. I +left Rushville on one of my periodical sprees (I do not remember the exact +time, but no matter about that, the fact is burning in my memory), and +after three or four weeks of blind, insane, drunken, unpremeditated travel- +-heaven only knows where--I found myself again in Rushville, but more dead +than alive. I experienced a not unfamiliar but most strange foreboding that +some terrible calamity was impending. I was more nervous than ever before, +so much so in fact that I became alarmed seriously, and called on Dr. +Moffitt for medical advice. He diagnosed my case, and informed me that my +condition was dangerous, unnatural and wild. He gave me some medicine and +kindly advised me to go into his house and lie down, I remained there two +days and nights, and in spite of his able treatment and constant care I +grew worse. Do you know what is meant by delirium tremens, reader? If not, +I pray God you may never know more than you may learn from these pages. I +pray God that you may never experience in any form any of the disease's +horrors. It was this, the most terrible malady that ever tortured man, that +was laying its ghastly, livid, serpentine hands upon me. All at once, and +without further warning, my reason forsook me altogether, and I started +from Dr. Moffitt's house to go to my boarding place. The sidewalks were to +me one mass of living, moving, howling, and ferocious animals. Bears, +lions, tigers, wolves, jaguars, leopards, pumas--all wild beasts of all +climes--were frothing at the mouth around me and striving to get to me. +Recollect that while all this was hallucination, it was just as real as if +it had been an undeniable and awful reality. Above and all around me I +heard screams and threatening voices. At every step I fell over or against +some furious animal. When I finally reached the door leading to my room and +just as I was about to enter, a human corpse sprang into the doorway. It +had motion, but I knew that it was a tenant of that dark and windowless +abode, the grave. It opened full upon me its dull, glassy, lustreless eyes; +stark, cold, and hideous it stood before me. It lifted a stiffened arm and +struck me a blow in the face with its icy and almost fleshless hand from +which reptiles fell and writhed at my feet. I turned to rush into another +room, but the door was bolted. I then thought for a second that I was +dreaming, and I awoke and laughed a wild laugh, which ended in a shriek, +for I knew that I was awake. I turned again toward my own door, and the +form had vanished. I jumped into my room and tore off my clothes, but as I +threw aside my garments, each separate piece turned into something +miscreated and horrible, with fiendish and burning eyes, that caused my own +to start from their sockets. My room was filled with menacing voices, and +just then a mighty wind rushed past my window, and out of the wind came +cries, and lamentations, and curses, which took shapes unearthly, and +ranged about the bed on which I lay shuddering. Die! die! die! they +shrieked. I was commanded to hold my breath, and they threatened horrors +unimaginable if I did not obey.</p> + +<p>I now believed that my time had come to render up the life which had been +so much abused. I asked what would become of my soul when my body gave it +up, and they told me it would descend to the tortures of an everlasting +hell, and that once there, my present sufferings would be as bliss compared +with what was in store for me for an endless age. As my eyes wandered about +the room--I was afraid to close them--I saw that innumerable devils were +crowding into it. They were henceforth to be my companions, and if the +Prince of all of them ever allowed me to leave for a brief time the regions +of infernal woe, it would be in their company and on missions such as they +were now fulfilling. I called aloud for my mother, and a voice more +diabolical than any I had yet heard, hissed into my ears that she was +chained in hell, but immediately a million devils screamed, "Liar! she is +in heaven!" I refused then to hold my breath, and told them to kill me and +do their worst. In an instant the spirit of my mother, like a benediction, +rested beside me. As she begged for me I knew that it was her voice, +natural as in her life on earth. While she was yet imploring for me the +room became radiant, and I saw that it was full of angels. I felt a strange +joy. My sins were pardoned, and I was told that I should go forth and +preach and save souls. I was commanded to get out of bed, put on my +clothes, and go down stairs, where I would be told what to do. I obeyed, +and on opening the door that led to the street, a man came to me and he bid +me follow him. The spirits whispered to me that the man was Christ, and his +looks, acts and steps even were such as I had conceived were his when he +was once a meek and lowly sufferer on earth. I followed him about sixty +rods, when he told me to stop. I did so, and just then the heavens opened +with a great blaze of glory, and millions of angels came down. Such music +as then broke upon my senses I never heard before, and have never since +heard. The angels would approach near me and tell me they were going to +take me to heaven with them; then they would disappear for an instant and +devils gathered about me. I could hear music and see the heavenly hosts +returning. They came and went many times thus, and after they went away the +last time, I was again surrounded by fiends who inflicted every torture on +me. Christ commanded me to stand in that place, I thought, and there I +remained. It was very cold, and I froze my feet and hands. I then felt that +the devils were burning off my feet, and I shrieked for liquor. I looked +down and saw a bottle at my feet, but when I reached down to get it a lion +threw his claws over it, and warned me with a fierce growl not to touch it. +The snow melted, the season changed, and I was standing in mud and mire up +to my neck. Ropes were tied around me, and horses were hitched to them to +drag me from the deeps, but in trying to draw me out the ropes would snap +asunder and I was left imbedded in the clay. They could not move me, +because Christ had commanded me to stand there. A little while before the +break of day the Savior appeared and told me to go. I started to run, but +when I got alongside the old depot there burst from it the combined screams +of millions of incarnate devils. I can hear in fancy still the avalanche of +voices which rolled from those lost myriads. I ran into the first house to +which I came. Its saw at a glance what was the nature of my terrible +trouble, but he had no power to help me. I beheld the face of a black fiend +grinning on me through a window. In the center of his forehead was an +enormous and fiery eye, and about his sinister mouth the grin which I at +first saw became demoniacal. He called the fiends, and I heard them come as +a rushing tornado, and surround the house. Everything I attempted to do was +anticipated by them. If I thought of moving my hand I heard them say, +"Look! he is going to lift his hand." No matter what I did or thought of +doing, they cursed me.</p> + +<p>When daylight at last came--and oh, what an age of dying agony lay behind +it in the vast hollow darkness of the night!--the horrid objects +disappeared, but the voices remained and talked with me all day. You who +read, imagine yourselves alone in a room, or walking deserted streets, with +voices articulating words to you with as clear distinctness as words were +ever spoken to you. Many of the voices were those of friends and +acquaintances whom I knew to be in their graves, and yet they--their +voices--were conversing with, or talking to me, during the whole of that +long, long, terrible day. I was tortured with fears and a dread of +something infinitely horrible. I went to my office--the voices were there! +I stepped to the window, and on the street were men congregating in front +of the building. I could hear their voices, and they were all talking of +hanging me. I had committed an appalling crime, they said. I knew not where +to go or whither to fly. Now and then I could hear strains of music. The +dreaded night came on, and with it the fiends returned. In the excitement +of breaking from my office, I forgot to put on my overcoat. The moment I +got on the street the freezing wind drove me back, but hundreds of voices +gathered around me and threatened me with death if I entered the door +again. I went away followed by them, and wandered in a thin coat up and +down the streets, and through the woods all night. The wonder was that I +did not freeze to death. I could hear crowds of excited people at the court +house discussing me, I thought. When I started to go there, every door and +window of the building flew open and fiery devils darted out and cursed me +away. All the time I was dying for whisky, but the saloon keepers would not +give me a drop. They saw and understood what was the matter with me, and +refused to finish the work begun in their dens. I started at last in the +direction of home. Just outside of the town a man by my side showed me a +bottle of whisky. I was dying for it, and begged him for at least one +swallow. He opened the bottle and held it to my lips, and I saw that the +bottle was full of blood. Again and again did he deceive me. Exhausted at +last, I sank down in the snow and begged for death to come and end my life, +but instead, a company of citizens of Rushville, whom I knew, gathered +around me and a glass of whisky was handed to me. I saw that everyone +present held a similar glass in his hand, which, at a given word, was +raised to the mouth. I hastened to drink, but while they drained their +glasses, I could not get a drop from mine. I looked more closely at the +glass and discovered that there were two thicknesses to it, and that the +liquor was contained between them. I studied how I could break the glass +and not spill the whisky, and begged and plead with the men to have mercy +on me. I got out into the woods four or five miles from Rushville, and +wandered about in the snow, but all around and above me were the universal +and eternal voices threatening me. A thousand visions came and went; a +thousand tortures consumed me; a thousand hopes sustained me.</p> + +<p>I quit the woods pursued by winged and cloven-footed fiends, and ran to the +house of Andy Hinchman. He received and gave me shelter until morning, when +he carried me back home in his buggy. I had no more than got into his house +when it was surrounded by my tormentors. They raised the windows and +commenced throwing lassos at me, in order, as they said, to catch me and +drag me out that they might kill me. I sat up in my chair until daylight, +fighting them off with both hands. All these terrible torments were, I +repeat, realities, intensified over the ordinary realities of life a +hundred fold. I had wandered to and fro, as I have described, but the +people, the angels and the devils were alike the phantasmagoria of my +diseased mind. For one week after the night last mentioned, I had no use of +either arm. I had so frozen my feet that I could not put on my boots. Mr. +Hinchman kindly loaned me a pair that I succeeded, although with great +pain, in drawing on, for they were three sizes larger than I was in the +habit of wearing. The devils were still with me, but I had moments of +reason when I could banish them from my mind. On our way to town they rode +on top of the buggy and clung to the spokes of the wheels, and whirled over +and over with dizzy revolutions. How they fought, and cursed, and shrieked! +When I got to my room it was the same, and for days I was surrounded the +greater part of the time with demons as numberless as those seen in the +fancy of the mighty poet of a Lost Paradise marshaled under the infernal +ensign of Lucifer on the fiery and blazing plains of hell! For more than +one month after the madness left me I was afraid to sleep in a room alone, +and the least sound would fill me with fear. I ran when none pursued, and +hid when no one was in search of me. My sleep was fitful and full of +terrible dreams, and my days were days of unrest and anguish unspeakable.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch8">CHAPTER VIII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy.</p> + +<p> +My condition now grew worse from day to day. I descended step by step to +the lowest depths of wretchedness and degradation. Often my only sleeping- +place was the pavement, or a stairway, or a hall leading to some office. I +lost my clothes, pawning most of them to the rum-sellers, until I was unfit +to be seen, so few and dirty and ragged were the garments which I could +still call my own. In ten years I have lost, given away, and pawned over +fifty suits of clothes. Within the three years just past I have had six +overcoats that went the way of my reputation and peace of mind.</p> + +<p>I left Rushville at the time of which I am writing, but not until it was +out of my power to either buy or beg a drop of liquor--not until my +reputation was destroyed and everything else that a true man would prize-- +and then, like the prodigal who had wallowed with swine, I returned to my +father's house--the home of my childhood, around which lay the scenes which +were imprinted on my mind with ineffaceable colors. But I had destroyed the +sense which should have made them comforting to me. I have no doubt that +nature is beautiful--that there are fine souls to whom she is a glorious +book, on whose divine pages they learn wisdom and find the highest and most +exalting charms. But I, alas, am dead to her subtle and sacred influences. +However, I might have been benefited by my stay at home, had it been +difficult for me to find that which my appetite still craved; but it was +not so. Falmouth and Raleigh and Lewisville were still within easy reach, +and not only at these, but at many other places could liquor be procured, +and I got it. The curse was on me. My condition became such that it was +unsafe to send me from home on any business. I can recall times when I left +horses hitched to the plow or wagon and went on a spree, forgetting all +about them, for weeks. I had left home firm in the resolve to not touch a +drop of liquor under any circumstances, and so thoroughly did I believe +that I would not, that I would have staked my soul on a wager that I would +keep sober. But the sight of a saloon, or of some person with whom I had +been on a drunk, or even an empty beer keg, would rouse my appetite to such +an extent that I gave up all thoughts of sobriety and wanted to get drunk. +I always allowed myself to be deceived with the idea that I would only get +on a moderate drunk this time, and then quit forever. But the first drink +was sure to be followed by a hundred or a thousand more.</p> + +<p>Once while in a state of beastly intoxication at Rushville, my father came +for me and took me home in a wagon, and for two weeks I scarcely stirred +outside of the house. But the house which should have been a paradise to me +was made a prison by reason of my desires for the hell-created liberty of +entering saloons and associating with men as reckless as myself. I became +morose, nervous, and uneasy. I took a horseback ride one morning and would +not admit to myself that I cared less for the ride than to feel that I +could go where I could get liquor. I did not want to drink, but like the +moth which returns by some fatal charm again and again to the flames which +eventually consume it, I could not resist the temptation to go where I +could lay my hands on the curse. There was on the farm, among the horses, +one that was unusually wild, which had hitherto thrown every person that +mounted it. The only way it could be managed at all was with a rough curb- +bitted bridle, and even then each rein had to be drawn hard. If there was +any one thing on which I prided myself at that time it was my proficiency +in riding horses. I determined on mastering this horse, and early one +morning I mounted his back. I got along without a great amount of +difficulty in keeping my seat until I got to Raleigh. Here I dismounted and +sat in the corner groceries for an hour or more, talking to acquaintances. +Finally, like the dog returning to his vomit, I crossed the street and went +into a saloon. Had the door opened into the vermilion lake of fire I would +have passed through it if I had been sure of getting a drink, so sudden and +uncontrollable was the appetite awakened. Only a few minutes before I had +with religious solemnity assured two young men who were keeping a dry goods +store there that I had quit drinking forever. To test me, I suppose, one of +them had said to me that he had some excellent old whisky, and wanted me to +try a little of it, and offered me the jug. I carried it to my mouth, and +took a swallow. It was a villainous compound of whisky, alcohol and drugs +of various kinds, which he sold in quart bottles under the name of some +sort of bitters which were warranted to cure every disease: and I will add +that I believe to this day that they would do what he said they would, for +I do not think any human being, bird, or beast, unless there is another +Quilp living, could drink two bottles of it in that number of days and not +be beyond the need of further attention than that required to prepare him +for burial. It was the sight of the jug and the taste of the poison slop +which it contained that aroused my appetite and scattered my resolves to +the tempest. Once in the saloon I drank without regard to consequences, and +without caring whether the horse I rode was as jaded and tame as Don +Quixote's ill-favored but famous steed, or as wild and unmanageable as the +steed to which the ill-starred Mazeppa was lashed. I did not stop to +consider that a clear head and steady hand were necessary to guide that +horse and protect my life, which would be endangered the moment I again +mounted my horse. Ordinarily I would have gone away and left the horse to +care for itself, but I remembered the character of the horse, and with a +drunken maniac's perversity of feeling I would not abandon it. I designed +getting only so drunk, and then I would show the folks what a young man +could really do. On leaving the saloon I returned to the jug, which +contained the mixture described, and which would have called up apparitions +on the blasted heath that would have not only startled the ambitious thane, +but frightened the witches themselves out of their senses.</p> + +<p>I took one full drink--what is called in the vernacular of the bar room a +"square" drink--from the jug, and that, uniting with the saloon slop, made +me a howling maniac. I have forgotten to mention that I got a quart of as +raw and mean whisky in the saloon as was ever sold for the sum which I gave +for it--fifty cents. It was about nine o'clock at night when I bethought me +of the horse which I had sworn to ride home that evening. I untied the +beast with some difficulty, and led him to a mounting block. I got on the +block, and, after putting my foot securely in the stirrup, fell into the +saddle, I was too drunk to think further, and so permitted the horse to +take whatever course suited it best. It took the road toward home, but not +as quietly as a butterfly would have started. He flew with furious speed, +onward through the night, bearing me as if I had only been a feather. I did +not, for I could not, attempt to control him. It was a race with death, and +the chances were in death's favor long before we reached the home stretch. +Possibly I might have ridden safely home had the road been a straight one, +but it was not, and, on making a short turn, I was thrown from the saddle, +but my feet were securely fastened in the stirrups, and so I was dragged +onward by the animal, which did not pause in its mad career, but rather +sped forward more wildly than ever. I was dragged thus over a quarter of a +mile, and would undoubtedly have been killed had not one and then the other +stirrup broken. I lay with my feet in the detached stirrups until near +morning, wholly unconscious and dead, I presume, to all appearances. It was +quite a while after I came to my senses before I could realize what had +happened, who, and what, and where I was, and then my knowledge was too +vague to enable me to determine anything definitely. I crawled to a house +which was near by, fortunately, and remained there during the morning. I +was badly, but not dangerously, injured. The skin was torn from one side of +my face, and three of my fingers were disjointed. I was bruised all over, +and cut slightly in several places. How I escaped death is a miracle, but +escape it I did. The horse went on home and was found early in the morning, +with the stirrup leathers dangling from the saddle. When the family saw the +horse they at once were of the opinion that I had been killed, and my +father took the road to Raleigh immediately, thinking to find my dead body +on the way. Fearing that they would discover the horse and be frightened +about me, I started home, and had not gone far when I met my father. As +soon as he saw me walking in the road, he burst into tears. I did not dare +look as he rode up to me, but continued walking, and he rode slowly past +me. I could hear his sobs, but was too much overcome with shame to speak. I +walked on toward home as fast as I could, and my heart-broken but happy +father followed slowly in my rear. When I got within sight of the house my +sister saw me and ran to meet me, crying: "Oh, we thought you were killed +this time--I was sure you were killed. It is so dreadful to think of!" etc. +She was crying and laughing in a breath. My feelings were such as words can +not describe. I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up. I suffered a +thousand deaths. This is only one of a hundred similar debauches, each more +deplorable and humiliating in its consequences than the last.</p> + +<p>At times, as the waters of the awful sea called the Past dash over me, I +almost die of strangulation. I pant and gasp for breath, and shudder and +tremble in my terror. My spree on this occasion was not yet over; my +appetite was burning and raging, and notwithstanding my almost miraculous +escape from a drunken death, I watched my opportunity, like a man bent on +self-destruction, and again mounted the same horse and started for Raleigh. +But my father had preceded me, and given orders at the saloon and elsewhere +that I should not be allowed more liquor. I was determined to satisfy my +appetite, and with this purpose subjugating every other, I went on to +Lewisville, where I remained for more than a week, drinking day and night. +Finally one of my brothers, hearing of my whereabouts, came after me and +took me home. I was so completely exhausted the moment that the liquor +began to die out that I had to go to bed, and there I remained for some +time. After such debauches the physical suffering is intense and great; but +it is little in comparison with the tortures of the mind. After such a +spree as the one just mentioned, it has generally been out of my power to +sleep for a week or longer after getting sober. I have tossed for hours and +nights upon a bed of remorse, and had hell with all its flames burning in +my heart and brain. Often have I prayed for death, and as often, when I +thought the final hour had come, have I shrunk back from the mysterious +shadow in which flesh has no more motion. Often have I felt that I would +lose my reason forever, but after a period of madness, nature would be +merciful and restore me my lost senses. Often have I pressed my hands +tightly over my mouth, fearing that I would scream, and as often would a +low groan sound in my blistered throat, the pent up echo of a long maniacal +wail. Often have I contemplated suicide, but as often has some benign power +held back my desperate hand; once, indeed, I tried to force the gates of +death by an attempt to take my own life, but, heaven be forever praised! I +did not succeed, for the knife refused to cut as deep as I would have had +it. I thought I would be justifiable in throwing off by any means such a +load of horror and pain as I was weighed down with. Who would not escape +from misery if he could? I argued. If the grave, self-sought, would hide +every error, blot out every pang, and shield from every storm, why not seek +it?</p> + +<p>They have in certain lands of the tropics a game which the people are said +to watch with absorbing interest. It is this: A scorpion is caught. With +cruel eagerness the boys and girls of the street assemble and place the +reptile on a board, surrounded with a rim of tow saturated with some +inflammable spirit. This ignited, the torture of the scorpion begins. +Maddened by the heat, the detested thing approaches the fiery barrier and +attempts to find some passage of escape, but vain the endeavor! It retreats +toward the center of the ring, and as the heat increases and it begins to +writhe under it, the children cry out with pleasure--a cry in which, I +fancy, there is a cadence of the sound which sends a thrill of delight +through hell--the sound of exultation which rises from the tongues of +bigots when the martyr's soul mounts upward from the flames in which his +body is consumed. Again the scorpion attempts to escape, and again it is +turned back by that impassable barrier of fire. The shouts of the children +deepen. At last, finding that there is no way by which to fly, the hated +thing retreats to the center of its flaming prison and stings itself to +death. Then it is that the exultation of the crowd of cruel tormentors is +most loudly expressed. But do not infer from what I have said that I look +with favor on suicide under any circumstances. That I do not do, but I +would have you look at society and some of its victims.</p> + +<p>See what barriers of flame are often thrown around poor, despairing, +miserable men! Listen to that indifference and condemnation, and this wail +of agony! Can you wonder that the outcast abandons hope and plunges the +knife into his heart? He is driven to madness, and feeling that all is +lost, he commits an act which does indeed lose everything for him, for it +bars the gates of heaven against him. Before he had nothing on earth; now +he has nothing in paradise. Alas for those who triumph over the fall of a +fellow creature. God have mercy on those who exult over the wretchedness of +a victim of alcohol! Woe to those who ridicule his efforts to escape, and +who mock him when he fails. Do they not help to shape for him the dagger of +self-destruction? What ingredients of poison do they not mix with the fatal +drink which deprives him of breath? With what threads do they strengthen +the rope with which he hangs himself! Where should the most blame rest, +where does it most rest in the eyes of God--with society which drives him +forth a depraved and friendless creature? or with himself no longer +accountable for his acts? O the agony of feeling that on the whole face of +the earth there is not a face that will look upon you in kindness, nor a +heart that will throb with compassion at sight of your misery! I know what +this agony is, for in my darkest hours I have looked for pity and strained +my ears to catch the tones of a kindly voice in vain. But let me hasten to +say, lest I be misunderstood, that since I commenced to lecture, I have had +the support and active help of thousands of the very best men and women in +the land. I doubt that there was ever a man in calamity trying to escape +from terrors worse than those of death who had more aid than has been +extended to me. Could prayers and tears lift one out of misfortune and +wretchedness I would long ago have stood above all the tribulations of my +life. I desire to have every man and woman that has bestowed kindness on +me, if only a word or look, know that I remember such kindness, and that I +long to prove that it was not thrown away. Every day there rises before me +numberless faces I have met from time to time, each beautiful with the +love, sympathy, and pity which elevates the human into the divine. There +are others, I regret to say, that pass before me with dark looks and +scowls. I know them well, for they have sought to discourage and drag me +down. Their tongues have been quick to condemn and free to vilify me. I +seek no revenge on them. I forgive as wholly and freely as I hope to be +forgiven. May God soften their tiger hearts and melt their hyena souls.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch9">CHAPTER IX.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the ditch- +-Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A long +night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The inevitable-- +Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred miles from +home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a school--The lobbies +of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open school--A failure--Return +home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two months of uninterrupted +drinking--Coatless, hatless, and bootless--The "Blue Goose"--The tremens-- +Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the damned--Walking on crutches-- +Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold +bath--The consequence--Teaching school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of +Daniel Baker and his wife--A paying practice at law.</p> + +<p> +I was at all times unhappy, and hence I was always restless and +discontented. I was continually striving for something that would at least +give me contentment, but before I could establish myself in any thing the +ever-recurring spell would seize me, and whatever confidence I had +succeeded in gaining was swept away. I wrote in sand, and the incoming tide +with a single dash annihilated the characters. During one of my uneasy +wanderings I went to Hartford City, Indiana. Hartford "City," like all +other cities In the land, has a full supply of saloons. With a view of +advertising myself I had my friends announce on the second day after my +arrival that I would deliver a political speech. This speech was listened +to by an immense crowd, and heartily praised by the party whose principles +I advocated. I was puffed up with the enthusiasm of the people, and +repaired with some of the local leaders to a saloon to take a drink in +honor of the occasion. The drink taken by me as usual wrought havoc. I +wanted more, as I always do when I take one drink, and I got more. I got +more than enough, too, as I always do. On the way home with a gentleman +whom I knew, I fell into a ditch, but was extricated with difficulty, and +finally carried to the house of a friend. My clothes were wet and covered +with mud. After sleeping awhile I got up and stole from the house very much +as a thief would have sneaked away. I was fairly started on another spree, +and for three weeks I drank heavily and constantly. Sometime during the +third week of my debauch I received a telegram stating that my brother was +dead. The suddenness and terrible nature of the news caused me to become +sober at once. It was just at twilight when I received the telegram, and +there was no train until nine o'clock the next morning. That night seemed +like an age to me. I never closed my eyes in sleep, but lay in my bed weak +and terror-stricken, waiting for the morning. It came at last, for the +longest night will end in day. I got on the train and sat down by a window. +I was so weak and nervous that I could not hold a cup in my hand. But I +wanted no more liquor. The terrible news of the previous day had frightened +away all desire for drink. I had not ridden far when I was seized with +palpitation of the heart. The sudden cessation from all stimulants had left +my system in a condition to resist nothing, and when my heart lost its +regular action, the chances were that I could not survive. All day I drew +my breath with painful difficulty, and thought that each respiration would +be the last. I raised the car window and put out my head so that the +rushing air would strike my face, and this revived me. When I got home my +brother was buried. I had left him a few days before in good health and +proud in his strength. I returned to find him hidden forever from my sight +by the remorseless grave. What I felt and suffered no one knew, nor can +ever know. Every night for weeks I could see my brother in life, but the +cold reality of death came back to me with the light of day. I was stunned +and almost crazed by the blow, and yet there were not wanting persons who, +incapable of a deep pang of sorrow, said that I did not care. Could they +have been made to suffer for one night the agony which I endured for weeks +they would learn to feel for the miseries of others, and at the same time +have a knowledge of what sufferings the human heart is capable.</p> + +<p>My next move was to Bluffton, Wells county, Indiana, where I arranged to go +into the practice of the law. But here at Bluffton, as elsewhere, were the +devil's recruiting offices--the saloons--and the first night after I +reached the town I got drunk. I remained in Bluffton until I got over the +debauch, which embraced a siege of the delirium tremens more horrible than +that already described. When I came to myself, I determined that I would go +home. I was without money; I had no friends in Bluffton, and but few +clothes to my back, and it was over one hundred miles to my father's, but I +started on foot and walked the whole way. I stayed quietly at home a few +days, and then went to Howard and Clinton counties on business, which was +to make some collections on notes for other parties. While in Clinton +county I engaged to teach a district school, and in order to begin at the +time specified by the trustees, I returned home to get ready. I started to +return to Clinton county on Friday, so as to be there to open school on the +following Monday. I got off the train at Indianapolis, and went into one of +the numerous lobbies of hell near the depot. It was a week from that +evening before I was sober enough to realize where I was, who I was, where +I had come from, and whither I had started. I could hardly believe it +possible that I had fallen again, but there was no doubt of the fact. I had +been arrested and had pawned my trunk to get money to pay my fine. To this +day I don't know why I was arrested, but for being drunk, I suppose. I fled +from the city, and walked thirty miles into the country, where I borrowed +enough money of a friend to redeem my trunk. I then started for my school. +Notwithstanding I was one week behind, the trustees were still expecting +me, and on Monday morning, one week later than the time appointed at first, +I opened school. But I was so worn out and confused in my faculties that at +noon I was forced to dismiss the school. I hurried from the house to a +small village in the neighborhood and there I got more liquor. The next +morning I left for home. Such a condition of affairs was lamentable and +damnable, but I was powerless to make it better. I have often wondered what +the people of that neighborhood thought when they found that I had taken a +cargo of whisky and disappeared as mysteriously as I came. If the young +idea shot forth at all during that season among the children of that +district it was directed by other hands than mine. I never sent in a bill +for the sixty-two and a half cents due me for that half day's work. If the +good people of Clinton will consent to call the matter even, I will here +and now relinquish every possible claim, right, or title to the aforesaid +amount. They have probably long since forgotten the school which was not +taught, and the pedagogue who did not teach. I arrived at home in course of +time, and remained there a few days.</p> + +<p>It was not long until my restless disposition drove me forth in search of +some new adventure, and now comes the brief and imperfect recital of the +most terrible experiences of my life. On the first of July I began to +drink, and it was not until the first of September that I quit. During this +time I went to Cincinnati twice, once to Kentucky, and twice to Lafayette. +I traveled nearly all the time, and much of the time I was in an +unconscious state. I started from home with two suits of clothes which I +pawned for whisky after my money was all gone. I arrived at Knightstown one +day without coat, vest or hat. I was also barefooted. A friend supplied me +with these necessary articles, and as soon as I put them on I went to a +saloon kept by Peter Stoff, and there I staid four days without venturing +out on the street. As soon as I was able, I took up my journey homeward. +When I got to Raleigh I was so completely worn out that I dropped down in a +shoe shop and saloon, both of which were in the same compartment of a +building. That night I took the tremens. The next day my father came after +me in a spring wagon, and hauled me home. For the most part, during the two +months of which I speak, I had slept out doors, without even a dog for +company, and I contracted slight cold and fever, which terminated in an +attack of inflammatory rheumatism in my left knee. The rheumatism came on +in an instant, and without any previous warning. The first intimation I had +of it was a keen pain, such as I imagine would follow a knife if thrust +through the centre of the knee. When the doctor reached the house my knee +had swollen enormously. I was burning up with a violent fever, and was wild +with delirium. He at once blistered a hole in each side of my knee, and +applied sedatives. My suffering was literally that of the damned. I lay +upon my back for days and nights on a small lounge, without sleeping a +wink, so great was my suffering. For forty-eight hours my eyes were rolled +upward and backward in my head in a set and terrible rigidity. In my +delirium, I thought my room was overran by rats. I tried to fight them off +as they came toward me, but when I thought they were gone I could detect +them stealing under my lounge, and presently they would be gnawing at my +knee, and every time one of them touched me, a thrill of unearthly horror +shot through me. They tore off pieces of my flesh, and I could see these +pieces fall from their bloody jaws. No pen could describe my sickening and +revolting sensations of horror and agony. For sixty days did I lie upon my +back on that couch, unable to turn on either side, or move in any way, +without suffering a thousand deaths. I experienced as much pain as ever was +felt by any mortal being, and it is still a wonder to me how I survived. I +was, on more than one occasion, believed to be dead by my friends, and they +wrapped me in the winding sheet. Even then I was conscious of what they +were doing, and yet I was unable to move a muscle, or speak, or groan. A +horrible fear came over me that they would bury me alive. I seemed to die +at the thought, but, had mountains been heaped upon me, it would have been +as easy for me to show that I was not dead. But I would gradually regain +the power of articulation, and then again would hope rise in the hearts of +those who were watching. At last, but slowly, I recovered sufficiently to +be able to leave my room. I procured a pair of crutches, and by their aid I +could go about the house. Next I went out riding in a buggy, and after a +time got so that I could walk without difficulty, though not without my +crutches, for I did not yet dare to bear weight on my afflicted knee.</p> + +<p>One day I went to Rushville, and--O, curse of curses!--gave way to my +appetite. The moment the whisky began to affect me, I forgot that I had +crutches, and set my lame leg down with my whole weight upon it. The sudden +and agonizing pain caused me to give a scream, and yet I repeated the step +a number of times. But the insufferable pain caused me to return home.</p> + +<p>It was now winter. The Legislature was in session at Indianapolis, and I +was promised a position, and, with this end in view, packed my trunk and +bid good-by to the folks at home. At Shelbyville, at which place I had a +little business to attend to, I took a drink. Just how and why I took it +has been already told, for the same cause always influenced me. The same +result followed, and at Indianapolis I kept up the debauch until I had +traded a suit of clothes worth sixty dollars for one worth, at a liberal +estimate, about sixty-five cents. I even pawned my crutches, which I still +used and still needed. One day I went to a bath-room, and after remaining +in the bath for half an hour, with the water just as warm as I could bear +it, I resolved to change the programme, and, without further reflection, I +turned off the warm and turned on water as cold as ice could make it. It +almost caused my death. In an instant every pore of my body was closed, and +I was as numb as one would be if frozen. Even my sight was destroyed for a +few minutes, but I contrived to get out of the bath and put on my rags. I +found my way, with some difficulty, to the Union Depot, and boarded a +train, but I did not notice that it was not the train I wanted to travel on +until it was too late for me to correct the mistake. I went to Zionsville, +and lay there three days under the charge of two physicians. I then started +again to go home, expecting to die at any moment. At last I reached +Falmouth, and was carried to my father's, where I passed two weeks in +suffering only equaled by that which I had already borne.</p> + +<p>On again recovering my health, I began to look about for something to do, +and hearing of a vacant school east of Falmouth, and about four miles from +my father's, I made application and was employed to teach it. It is with +pride (which, after the record of so many failures, I trust will readily be +pardoned) that I chronicle the fact that from the beginning to the end of +the term I never tasted liquor. I look back to those months as the happiest +of my life. I did what is seldom done, for in addition to keeping sober +(which I believe most teachers do without an effort), I gave complete +satisfaction to every parent, and pleased and made friends with every +scholar (a thing, I believe, that most teachers do not do). Very bright and +vivid in memory are those days, made more radiant by contrast with the +darkness and degradation which lie before and after them. As I dwell upon +them a ray of their calm light steals into my soul, and the faces of my +loved scholars come out of the intervening darkness and smile upon me, +until, for a brief moment, I forget my barred window, the mad-house, and my +desolation, and fancy that I am again with them. I boarded with Daniel +Baker, and can never forget his own and his good wife's kindness.</p> + +<p>At the close of my school I was in better health and spirits than I had +ever before been. I began to feel that there was still a chance for me to +redeem the losses of the past, and I can not describe how happy the thought +made me. I again began the practice of law, and for six months I devoted +myself to my duties. I had a large and paying practice, and not once but +often was I engaged in cases where my fees amounted to from fifty to one +hundred dollars, and once I received two hundred and fifty dollars. I will +further say that my clients felt that they were paying me little enough in +each case, considering the service I rendered them. But during the latter +part of the time I suffered much from low spirits and nervousness, and my +desire for whisky almost drove me wild at times. I fought this appetite +again and again with desperate determination, and how the contest would +have finally ended I can not say had I not been taken down sick. The +physician who was sent for prescribed some brandy, and on his second visit +he brought half of a pint of it, to be taken with other medicine in doses +of one tablespoonful at intervals of two hours. I followed his directions +with care, so far as the first dose was concerned, but if the reader +supposes that I waited two hours for another tablespoonful of that brandy +he does my appetite gross injustice. Neither would I have him suppose that +I confined the second dose to a tablespoon. I waited until my friends +withdrew, making some excuse about wanting to be alone in order to get them +to go out at once, and then I got out of bed and swallowed the remainder of +that brandy at a gulp. A desperate and uncontrollable desire for the poison +had possession of me, and beneath it my resolutions were crushed and my +will helplessly manacled. I slipped out of the room at the first +opportunity, and managed to get a buggy in which I drove off to Falmouth +where I immediately bought a quart of whisky. This I drank in an incredibly +short space of time, and after that--after that--well, you can imagine what +took place after that. Would to God that I could erase the recollection of +it from my mind! Days and weeks of drunkenness; days and weeks of +degradation; money spent; clothes pawned and lost; business neglected; +friends alienated; and peace and happiness annihilated by the fell, +merciless, hell-born fiend--Alcohol! So much for a half pint of brandy +prescribed by an able physician. The vilest and most deadly poison could +scarcely have been worse. Perhaps I was to blame--at least I have blamed +myself--for not imploring the doctor in the name of everything holy not to +prescribe any medicine containing a drop of intoxicating liquor. But I was +sick and weak, and my appetite rose in its strength at mention of the word +brandy, and when I would have spoken it palsied my tongue. I could not +resist. The inevitable was upon me.</p> + +<p>Down, down, down I went, lower and ever lower. Down, into the darkness of +desperation!--down, into the gulf of ruin!--down, where Shame, and Sin, and +Misery cry to fallen souls--"Stay! abide with us!" I felt now that all I +had gained was lost, and that there was nothing more for me to hope for. +The destroying devil had swept away everything. I was no longer a man. +Behold me cowering before my race and begging the pitiful sum of ten cents +with which to buy one more drink--begging for it, moreover, as something +far more precious than life. I resorted then, as many times since, to every +means in order to get that which would, and yet would not, satisfy my +insatiate thirst. No one is likely to contradict me when I say that I know +of more ways to get whisky, when out of money and friends, (although no +true friend would ever give me whisky, especially to start on) than any +other living man, and I sincerely doubt if there is one among the dead who +could give me any information on the subject. Had I as persistently applied +myself to my profession, and resorted to half as many tricks and ways to +gain my clients' cases, it would have been out of the range of probability +for my opponents to ever defeat me. I might have had a practice which would +have required the aid of a score or more partners. I understand very well +that such statements as this are not likely to exalt me in the reader's +estimation, but I started out to tell the truth, and I shall not shrink +from the recital of anything that will prejudice my readers against the +enemy that I hate. I could sacrifice my life itself, if thereby I might +slay the monster.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch10">CHAPTER X.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by legislation- +-Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The Indianapolis police-- +The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The coming head-light--A +desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the time"--A struggle in +which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in dew--Hiding from the +officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable sufferings--Advised to +lecture--The time I began to lecture.</p> + +<p> +It has been but a few years since the Legislature of Indiana passed what is +known as the "Baxter Liquor Law." Among the provisions of that law was one +which declared that "any person found drunk in a public place should be +fined five dollars for every such offense, and be compelled to tell where +he got his liquor." It was further declared that if the drunkard failed to +pay his fine, etc., he should be imprisoned for a certain number of days or +weeks. This had no effect on the drunkard, unless it was to make his +condition worse. Appetite is a thing which can not be controlled by a law. +It may be restrained through fear, so long as it is not stronger than a +man's will, but where it controls and subordinates every other faculty it +would be useless to try to eradicate or restrain it by legislation. When a +man's appetite is stronger than he is, it will lead him, and if it demands +liquor it will get it, no matter if five hundred Baxter laws threatened the +drunkard. Man, powerless to resist, gives way to appetite; he gets drunk; +he is poor and has no money to pay his fine; the court tells him to go to +jail until an outraged law is vindicated. In the meantime the man has a +wife and (it may be) children; they suffer for bread. The poor wife still +clings to her husband and works like a slave to get money to pay his fine. +She starves herself and children in order to buy his freedom. You will say: +"The man had no business to get drunk." But that is not the point. He needs +something very different from a Baxter law to save him from the power of +his appetite. Besides, the law is unjust. The rich man may get just as +drunk as the poor man, and may be fined the same, but what of that? Five +dollars is a trifle to him, so he pays it and goes on his way, while his +less fortunate brother is kicked into a loathsome cell. There never has +been, never can, and never will be a law enacted that prevent men from +drinking liquor, especially those in whom there is a dominant appetite for +it. The idea of licensing men to sell liquor and punishing men for drinking +it is monstrous. To be sure, they are not punished for drinking it in +moderation, but no man can be moderate who has such an appetite as I have. +Why license men to sell liquor, and then punish others for drinking it? +What sort of sense or justice is there in it, anyhow? There is a double +punishment for the drunkard, and none for the liquor-seller. The sufferings +consequent on drinking are extreme, and no punishment that the law can +inflict will prevent the drunkard from indulging in strong drink if his own +far greater and self-inflicted punishment is of no avail.</p> + +<p>When a man has become a drunkard his punishment is complete. Think of law +makers enacting and making it lawful, in consideration of a certain amount +of money paid to the State, for dealers in liquors to sell that which +carries darkness, crime, and desolation with it wherever it goes! The +silver pieces received by Judas for betraying his master were honestly +gotten gain compared with the blood money which the license law drops into +the State's treasury--license money. What money can weigh in the balance +and not be found wanting where starved and innocent children, broken- +hearted mothers and sisters, and deserted, weeping wives are in the scale +against it? Mothers, look on this law licensing this traffic, and then if +you do not like it cease to bring forth children with human passions and +appetites, and let only angels be born.</p> + +<p>After the passage of this law making drunkenness an offense to be fined, I +had all the law practice I could attend to in keeping myself out of its +meshes and penalties. It kept me busy to avoid imprisonment--for I was +drunk nearly all the time. I was indicted twenty-two times. But it is fair +to say that in a majority of cases these indictments were found by men in +sympathy with me, and whose chief object in having me arrested was to +punish the men who sold me liquor. Another mistake! It is next to +impossible to get a drunkard to tell where he got his liquor. Half the time +he himself does not know where he got it. I never indicted a saloon keeper +in my life. The sale of liquor has been legalized, and so long as that is +the case I would blame no man for refusing to tell where he got his liquor. +A law that permits an appetite for whisky to be formed, and then punishes +its victim after money, health, and reputation are all gone, is a barbarous +injustice. Instead of making a law that liquor shall not be sold to +drunkards, better enact a law that it shall be sold only to drunkards. Then +when the present generation of drunkards has passed away, there will be no +more. I succeeded in escaping from the penalty of the indictments found +against me. I plead, in most instances, my own case, and once or twice, +when so drunk that I could not stand up without a chair to support me, I +succeeded by resorting to some of the many tricks known to the legal +fraternity, in wringing from the jury a verdict of "not guilty."</p> + +<p>But all this was anything but amusing. I have never made my sides sore +laughing about it. The memory of it does not wreath my face in smiles. It +is madness to think of it. I lived in a state of perpetual dread. When in +Indianapolis the sight of the police filled me with fear. And here a word +concerning the Indianapolis police. There are, doubtless, in the force some +strictly honorable, true, and kind-hearted men--and these deserve all +praise. But, if accounts speak true, there are others who are more +deserving the lash of correction than many whom they so brutally arrest. +Need they be told that they have no right to kick, or jerk, or otherwise +abuse an unresisting victim? Are they aware of the fact that the fallen are +still human, and that, as guardians of the peace, they are bound to yet be +merciful while discharging their duties? I have heard of more than one +instance where men, and even women, were treated on and before arriving at +the station house as no decent man would treat a dog. Such policemen are +decidedly more interested in the extra pay they get on each arrest than in +serving the best interests of the community. Many a poor man has been +arrested when slightly intoxicated, and driven to desperation by the +brutality of the police, that, under charitable and kind treatment, would +have been saved. And I wish to ask a civilized and Christian people, if it +is just the thing to take a man afflicted with the terrible disease of +drunkenness, and thrust him into a loathsome, dirty cell? Would it not be +not only more human, but also more in accord with the spirit of our +intelligent and liberal age, to convey him to a hospital? I leave the +discussion of this subject to other and abler hands.</p> + +<p>At one time the grand jury at Rushville met and found a number of +indictments against me. I was drunk at the time, but by some means learned +that an officer had a writ to arrest me. I started at once to go to my +father's. I was without means to get a conveyance, and so I started afoot +out the Jeffersonville railroad. I had then been drunk about one month, and +was bordering on delirium tremens. After walking a mile or more, my boot +rubbed my foot so that I drew it off and walked on barefooted. My feelings +can not be imagined. Fear and terror froze my blood. The night came on dark +and dismal, and a flood of bitter, wretched thoughts swept over me, +crushing me to the earth. Before me in the distance appeared the head-light +of an engine. It seemed to look at me like a demon's eye, and beckon me on +to destruction. I heard voices which whispered in my ears--"now is the +time." A shudder crept over me. Should I end my miserable existence? I knew +that a train of cars was coming. I could lie down on the track, and no one +would ever know but I had been accidentally killed. Then I thought of my +father, and brothers, and sisters, and as a glimpse of their suffering +entered my mind, I felt myself held back. A great struggle went on between +life and death. It ended in favor of life, and I fled from the railroad. I +soon lost my way and wandered blindly over the fields and through the woods +all that night. I was perishing for liquor when daylight came. In order to +assuage my burning appetite I climbed over a fence, and, picking up a +dirty, rusty wash-pan which had been thrown away, I drank a quart of water +which I dipped from a horse-trough. My skin was dry and parched, and my +blood was in a blaze. When I came to grassy plots I lay down and bathed my +face in the cold dew, and also bared my arms and moistened them in the +cool, damp grass.</p> + +<p>When the sun came up over the eastern tree-tops I found that I was about +ten miles from Rushville. After stumbling on for some time longer I found +my way to Henry Lord's, a farmer with whom I was acquainted. He gave me a +room in which I lay hidden from the officers for two days and nights. From +this place I went to my father's, and although the officers came there two +or three times, I escaped arrest. It is impossible to give the reader the +faintest idea of my condition. Without money, clothes, or friends, an +outcast, hunted like a wild beast, I had only one thing left--my horrible +appetite, at all times fierce and now maddening in the extreme. My hands +trembled, my face was bloated, and my eyes were bloodshot. I had almost +ceased to look like a human. Hope had flown from me, and I was in complete +despair. I moved about over my father's farm like one walking in sleep, the +veriest wretch on the face of the earth. My real condition not unfrequently +pressed upon me until, in an agony of desperation, I would put my swollen +hands over my worse than bloated face and groan aloud, while tears scalding +hot streamed down over my fingers and arms. I staid at home a number of +days. At first I had no thought of quitting drink. I was too crazed in mind +to think clearly on any subject. After two or three days, I became very +nervous for lack of my accustomed stimulants; then I got so restless that I +could not sleep, and for nights together I scarcely closed my aching eyes. +Long as the days seemed, the nights were longer still. At the end of two +weeks I began to have a more clear or less muddied conception of my +condition, and a faint hope came to me that I might yet conquer the +appetite which was taking me through utter ruin of body, to the eternal +death of body and soul. The reader must not think that I thought I could by +my own strength save myself. I prayed often and fervently. However strange +it may sound it is nevertheless true, that, notwithstanding the degraded +life I have lived, I have covered it with prayer as with a garment, and +with as sincere prayer, too, as ever rose from the lips of pain and sin. My +unimaginable sufferings have impelled me to seek earnestly for an escape +from the torments which go out beyond the grave. None can ever be made to +realize how much pain and agony I experienced during these first weeks I +spent at home and abstained from liquor, nor can any know how much I +resisted. At that time I had not the least thought of lecturing. Many +times, when getting over a spree, I had, in the presence of people, given +expression to the agonies that were consuming me, and at such times I did +not fail to pay my respects to alcohol in a way (the only way) it deserves. +My friends advised me to lecture on temperance, and I now began to think of +their words. Was it my duty to go forth and tell the world of the horrors +of intemperance, and warn all people to rise against this great enemy? If +so, I would gladly do it. I began to prepare a lecture. It would help me to +pass away the time, if nothing more came of it. It has been nearly four +years since I delivered that lecture. I will give a history of my first +effort and succeeding ones, with what was said about me, in the next +chapter.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch11">CHAPTER XI.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At Rushville-- +Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the stage and +am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old coat and +stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make a lecture +tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude of the press-- +The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind criticism--Tattle +mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to commit suicide-- +Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask the sheriff to lock +me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of '74--"Local option."</p> + +<p> +I delivered my first lecture at Raleigh, the scene of many of my most +disgraceful debauches and most lamentable misfortunes. The evening +announced for my lecture was unpropitious. Late in the afternoon a cold, +disagreeable rain set in, and lasted until after dark. The roads were +muddy, and in places nearly impassable. I did not expect on reaching the +hall, or school house, or church in which I was to speak, to find much of +an audience, but I was agreeably disappointed; for while the house was by +no means "packed," there was still a fair audience. Raleigh had turned out +en masse, men, women and children. I suppose they were curious to hear what +I had to say, and they heard it if I am not much in error. I was much +embarrassed when I first began to speak--more so than I have ever been +since, even when in the presence of thousands. I did the best I could, and +the audience expressed very general satisfaction. I think some of my +statements astounded them a trifle, but they soon recovered and listened +with profound and respectful attention. My next appointment was at +Fairview. Here, as at Raleigh, I had often been seen during some of my wild +sprees, and here, as at Raleigh, the people came out in force to hear me. I +improved on my first lecture, I think, and felt emboldened to make a more +ambitious effort. I settled on Rushville as the next most desirable place +to afflict, and made arrangements to deliver my lecture there. A number of +the best young men in the town of the class that never used liquor, but who +had always sympathized with me, went without my consent or knowledge to the +ministers of the different churches, and had them announce that on the next +Monday evening Luther Benson, "the reformed drunkard," would lecture in the +Court House. I was nervous from the want of my accustomed stimulants, and +the added dread of appearing before an audience before whose members I had +so many times covered myself with shame, and in whose Court House--the very +place in which I was to speak--I had been several times indicted for +violations of the law, almost caused me to break my engagement. While still +hesitating on what course to take, whether to go before the audience or go +home and hang myself, the dreaded Monday evening came, and with it came my +friends to escort me to the stage, which had been extemporized for me. I +waited until the last moment before entering the room.</p> + +<p>On making my appearance I was greeted with applause, but instead of +reassuring me, it frightened me almost out of my wits. However, it was too +late to retreat, and so making up my mind to die, if necessary, on the +spot, or succeed, I hastily threw off my father's old and threadbare +overcoat (I had none of my own) and stood forth in a full dress coat, which +showed much ill treatment, and immediately began my lecture. As I warmed to +my work, and got interested, I forgot my embarrassment and talked with ease +and volubility. I did not fail, in proof of which I have only to add that +on the following day I met Ben. L. Smith on the street, and on the strength +of my lecture, he went my security for a respectable coat and pair of +boots.</p> + +<p>From Rushville I started on a lecture tour, taking in Dublin, Connersville, +Cambridge City, Shelbyville, Knightstown, Newcastle, and other places. By +degrees I widened the field of my lectures until it embraced the whole of +Indiana and parts of many other States. In a little more than three years I +have spoken publicly four hundred and seventy times in Indiana alone. From +the very first I have been warmly and generously supported by the press. +There have been exceptions in the case of a few papers, but they were only +the exceptions. Since my first effort to reform, all good people have aided +me. But from the very first I have had to fight opposition and falsehood. I +have been accused of being drunk when I was sober, and outrageous +falsehoods have been told about me when the truth would have been bad +enough. After I had got fairly started to lecture I had always one object +paramount, and that was to save myself from the drunkard's terrible fate +and doom. After a short time men who drank would come to me and +congratulate me, saying that I had opened their eyes, and that from that +day forward they would drink no more liquor. Mothers, wives, and sisters, +who had sons, husbands, and brothers that indulged in the fatal habit, came +to me and encouraged me by telling me how much good I had done them. I +began to feel a strong additional motive to lecture and save others. And +here I wish to say that my efforts to save all men whom I met that were in +danger (and all are in danger who touch liquor in any form) of the curse, +have been the cause of much unkind criticism. People have said: "O, well, +we don't believe Benson is in earnest. He don't seem to try very hard to +quit drinking himself. He doesn't keep the right sort of company," and so +on. This was the language of men who never drank. I have had drinking men +by the score come to me with tears in their eyes, and beg to know if there +was any escape from the curse. Since taking the lecture field I have paid +out in actual money over a thousand dollars to aid men and families in +trouble caused by the use of liquor. I have the first one yet to turn away +when I had anything to give. I have more than once robbed myself to aid +others. Oftentimes my labor and money have been thrown away, but I have the +satisfaction of knowing that I did my duty. In some cases, thank heaven! I +have cause to know that my efforts were not in rain.</p> + +<p>For ten months from the time I quit drinking and began to lecture, I +averaged one lecture a day. I lived on the work and its excitement, making +it take, as far as possible, the place of alcohol. I learned too late that +this was the very worst thing I could have done. I was all the time +expending the very strength I so much needed for the restoration of my +shattered system. For ten months, lacking two days, I fought my appetite +for whisky day and night. I waged a continued, never-ceasing, never-ending +battle, with what earnestness and desire to conquer the God to whom I so +fervently prayed all that time alone knows, and he alone knows the agony of +my conflicts. I dreamed that I was wildly drunk night after night, and I +would rise from my bed in the morning more weary than when, tired and worn +out from overwork, I sought rest. The horror of such dreams can be known +only to those who have experienced them. The shock to my nervous system +from a sudden and complete cessation of the use of all stimulating drinks +was of itself a fearful thing to encounter. I was often so nervous that, +for nights at a time, I got little or no sleep. The least noise would cause +me to tremble with fear. I suffered all the while more than any can ever +know, save those who have gone through the same hell. The manners and +actions often induced by my sufferings and an abiding sense of my +afflictions not infrequently militated against me. It has often been said: +"He acts very strangely--must have been drinking." Again: "I believe he +uses opium." These assertions may have been honestly made, but they were +none the less utterly false. If people could only know just how much the +drunkard suffers; how sad, lonesome, gloomy and wretched he feels while +trying to resist the accursed appetite which is destroying him, they would +never taunt him with doubts, nor go to him, as I have had men, and even +women, come to me (I say "men and women," but they were neither men nor +women, but libels on men and women), and say that this or that person had +said that that or this person had heard some other person tell another +person that he, she, or it believed that I, Luther Benson, had been +drinking on such and such an occasion; or that some one told Mr. B., who +told Miss X.T. that J.B. had said to Madam Z. that such and such a one had +actually told T.Y. that O.M.U. had seen three men who had heard of four +other men who said they could find two women who had overheard a man say +that he had seen a man who had seen me with two men that had a bottle of +something which he felt pretty sure was Robinson county whisky. Therefore +B. was drunk!</p> + +<p>These things had the effect on me that this account will probably have on +the reader--they annoyed me exceedingly at times. At times the falsehoods +were more malicious still, causing me many sleepless hours. At the end of +ten months of complete sobriety, during which I never tasted any stimulant- +-ten months of constant struggle and determined effort--I fell. Alas, that +I am compelled to write the sad words! I had broken down my strength; my +mental and physical energies gave way, and my appetite had wrapped itself +as a flaming fire about me, consuming me in its heat. I commenced drinking +at Charlottsville, Henry county, and went from there to Knightstown on a +Saturday evening. On the following Monday I went to Indianapolis drunk, and +there got "dead drunk." My friends in Rushville, hearing of my misfortune, +came after me and took me with them to that place, where I remained utterly +oblivious until the next Sunday, when, by some means--I have no knowledge +how--I got on an early train that was passing through Rushville, and went +as far as Columbus, where I got off, and soon succeeded in getting a quart +of liquor. Between the hour of my arrival at Columbus and night I drank +three bottles of whisky.</p> + +<p>That night I returned to Rushville, and while mad with liquor, made an +attempt on my life by cutting my throat. Well for me that my knife was dull +and did not penetrate to the jugular artery. The wound self-inflicted was +an ugly but not dangerous one. I kept on drinking for a week or more, until +I found that it was utterly out of my power to resist drinking so long as I +remained in a place where I could see, or buy, or beg whisky. I finally +went to the sheriff and asked him to lock me up in jail, which I finally +persuaded him to do. Once in jail I tried in vain to get more liquor. I +remained there until the fierce fires of my appetite smouldered once more, +and then I was released. I lay in bed sick several days at this time, sick +in mind, soul, and body. I felt that for me there was nothing left. I had +descended to the lowest depths. I was forever ruined and undone. Many who +had said that I would not or could not stop drinking seemed to be delighted +over my terrible misfortune. The smile with which they would say, "I told +you so!" was devilish and fiendish. But many friends gathered about me and +cheered me with hope that by renewed effort I might rise again. Well and +truly did a great English poet, Campbell, I believe, say:--</p> + +<blockquote> + "Hope springs eternal in the human heart." +</blockquote> + +<p>I determined once more that I would not give up, I would fight my tireless +enemy while a breath of life or an atom of reason remained in my being.</p> + +<p>It was now July, 1874. An exciting political campaign was coming off, the +main issue was "local option." I took the side and became an advocate of +local option, and until the election in October, averaged one speech per +day, frequently traveling all night in order to meet my engagements. That +campaign broke me down completely, and on the first of November I again +yielded, after a prolonged and desperate struggle, to the powers of my +sleepless and tireless adversary. So terrible were the consequences of this +fall that in the hope of preventing others from ever indulging in the +ruinous habit which led to it, I wrote out and published a full account of +it under the title of "Luther Benson's Struggle for Life." Inasmuch as this +book will be incomplete without it, I will embody that brochure in the next +chapter, so that those who have never read it may now do so, if they +desire.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch12">CHAPTER XII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no man +should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the Galt House-- +The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in Cincinnati--The +delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick that turned to a +serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to Connersville, Indiana- +-My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and torments--The horrid sights +of a drunkard's madness.</p> + +<p> +Depraved and wretched is he who has practiced vice so long that he curses +it while he yet clings to it; who pursues it because he feels a terrible +power driving him on toward it, but, reaching it, knows that it will gnaw +his heart, and make him roll himself in the dust. Thus it has been, and +thus it is, with me. The deep, surging waters have gone over me. But out of +their awful, black depths, could I be heard, I would cry out to all who +have just set a foot in the perilous flood. For I am not one of those who, +if they themselves must die the death most terrible and appalling of all +others, would drag or even persuade one other soul to accompany them. But +as the oblivious waves are surging about me, and as I try to brave and +buffet them, I would cry to others not to come to me. When but just gasping +and throwing up my hand for the last time, it would not be to clutch, but, +if possible, to push back to safety. Could the youth who has just begun to +taste wine, and the young man his first drink--to whom it is as delicious +as the opening scenes of a visionary life, or the entering into some newly- +discovered paradise where scenes of undimmed glory burst upon his vision-- +but see the end of all that, and what comes after, by looking into my +desolation, and be made to understand what a dark and dreary thing it is +for a man to be made to feel that he is going over a precipice with his +eyes wide open, with a will that has lost power to prevent it; could he see +my hot, fevered cheeks, bloodshot eyes, bloated face, swollen fingers, +bruised and wounded body; could he feel the body of the death out of which +I cry hourly, with feebler and feebler outcry, to be delivered; could he +know how a constant wail comes up and out from my bleeding heart, and begs +and pleads with a great agony to be delivered from this awful demon, drink; +could these truths but go home to the hearts and minds of the young men of +the land; could they feel for but one single moment what I am compelled to +live, and battle, and endure day in, and day out, until the days drag +themselves into weeks that seem like months, and months that seem like +years, striving all the time, a living, walking, talking death, and cares, +pleasures, and joys, all gone, yet compelled to endure and live, or rather +die, on; could every young man feel these things as I am compelled to feel +and bear them, it seems to me that it would be enough to make them, while +they yet have the power to do it, dash the sparkling damnation to the earth +in all the pride of its mantling temptation.</p> + +<p>At the very threshold of blooming manhood I found myself subject to all the +disadvantages which mankind, if they reflected upon them, would hesitate to +impose upon acknowledged guilt. In every human countenance I feared to find +an enemy. I shrank from the vigilance of human eyes. I dared not open my +heart to the best affections of our nature, for a drunkard is supposed to +have no love. I was shut up within my own desolation--a deserted, solitary +wretch in the midst of my species. I dared not look for the consolation of +friendship, for a drunkard is always the subject of suspicion and distrust, +and is not supposed to be possessed of those finer feelings that find men +as friends. Thus, instead of identifying myself with the joys and sorrows +of others, and exchanging the delicious gifts of confidential sympathy, I +was compelled to shrink back and listen to the horrid words, You are a +drunkard--words the very mention or thought of which has ten thousand times +carried despair to my heart, and made me gasp and pant for breath. Thus it +was at the very opening of life, and thus it ever has been, and thus it is +to-day. I have struggled, and with streaming eyes tried to wrench the +chains from my bruised and torn body. My weary and long-continued struggles +led to no termination. Termination! No! The lapse of time, that cures all +other things, but makes my case more desperate. For there is no rest for +me. Whithersoever I remove myself, this detestable, hated, sleepless, +never-tiring enemy is in my rear. What a dark, mysterious, unfeeling, +unrelenting tyrant! Is it come to this? When Nero and Caligula swayed the +Roman scepter, it was a fearful thing to offend the bloody rulers. The +Empire had already spread itself from climate to climate, and from sea to +sea. If their unhappy victim fled to the rising of the sun, where the +luminary of day seems to us first to ascend from the waves of the ocean, +the power of the tyrant was still behind him; if he withdrew to the west, +to Hesperian darkness and the shores of barbarian Thule, still he was not +safe from his gore-drenched foe. Rum! Whisky! Alcohol! Fiend! Monster! +Devil! Art thou the offspring in whom the lineaments of these tyrants are +faithfully preserved? Was the world, with all its climates, made in vain +for thy helpless, unoffending victim?</p> + +<p>To me the sun brings no return of day. Day after day rolls on, and my state +is immutable. Existence is to me a scene of melancholy. Every moment is a +moment of anguish, with a trembling fear that the coming period will bring +a severer fate. We talk of the instruments of torture, but there is more +torture in the lingering existence of a man that is in the iron clutches of +a monster that has neither eyes, nor ears, nor bowels of compassion; a +venomous enemy that can never be turned into a friend; a silent, sleepless +foe, that shuts out from the light of day, and makes its victim the +associate of those whom society has marked for her abhorrence; a slave +loaded with fetters that no power can break; cut off from all that +existence has to bestow; from all the high hopes so often conceived; from +all the future excellence the soul so much desires to imagine. No language +can do justice to the indignant and soul-sickening loathing that these +ideas excite. A thousand times I have longed for death, and wished, with an +expressible ardor, for an end to what I suffered. A thousand times I have +meditated suicide, and ruminated in my soul upon the different means of +escaping from my load of existence. A thousand times in wretched bitterness +I have asked myself, What have I to do with life? I have seen and felt +enough to make me regard it with detestation. Why should I wait the +lingering process of an unfeeling tyrant that is slowly tearing me to +pieces, and not dare so much as die but when and how the marble-hearted +thing decrees? Still, some inexplicable suggestion withheld my hand, and +caused me to cling with desperate fondness to this shadow of existence, its +mysterious attractions, and its hopeless prospects--appetite, fiendish +thirst, a burning, ever-crying demand for a poison that is death, and for +which a man will give his body and soul as a sacrifice to whoever will +satisfy his imperious cravings. Let this appetite entwine itself about a +man, let it throw its iron arms about his bruised body, and he will curse +the day he was born. But some one says, Why don't you quit? Just don't +drink! In answer I would say, O God, give me poverty, shower upon me all +the hardships of life, turn me a prey to the wild beasts of the desert, so +I be never again the victim of rum. Suffer me to call life and the pursuit +of life my own, free from the appetite for alcohol, and I am willing to +hold them at the mercy of the elements, the hunger of beasts, or the +revenge of cold-blooded men. All of these, rather than the poison of the +accursed cup.</p> + +<p>Solitude! separation! banishment! These are words often in the mouths of +human beings; but few men except myself have been permitted to feel the +full latitude of their meaning. The pride of philosophy has taught us to +treat man as an individual. He is no such thing. He holds, necessarily, +indispensably, a relation to his species. He is like those twin births that +have two heads and four hands, but if you attempt to detach them from each +other, they are inevitably subjected to a miserable and lingering +destruction. If a man wants to conceive a lively idea of the regions of the +damned, just let him get himself in that condition that he is alone with an +enemy while he is surrounded by society and his friends--an enemy that is +like what has been described as the eye of Omniscience pursuing the guilty +sinner and darting a ray that awakens him to a new sensibility at the very +moment that otherwise exhausted nature would lull him into a temporary +oblivion of the reproaches of his conscience. No walls can hide me from the +discernment of my hated foe. Everywhere his industry in unwearied, to +create for me new distress. Never can I count upon an instant of security; +never can I wrap myself in the shroud of oblivion. The minutes in which I +do not actually perceive and feel my destroyer are contaminated and blasted +with the certain expectation of speedy interference. Thus it has been, and +thus it is to-day, and with every returning day.</p> + +<p>Tyrants have trembled, surrounded by whole armies of their janizaries. +Alcohol--venomous serpent! robber and reviler!--what should make thee +inaccessible to my fury? I will unfold a tale! I will show thee to the +world for what thou art, and all the men that read shall confess my truth! +Whisky--abhorrer of nature, the curse of the human species!--the earth can +only be freed from an insupportable burden by thy extermination! Rum-- +poisoner! destroyer! that spits venom all around, and leaves the ground +infected with slime! Accursed poison-makers and poison-dispensers!--do you +imagine that I am altogether passive; a mean worm, organized to feel +sensations of pain, but having no emotion of resentment? Did you imagine +that there was no danger in inflicting on me pains, however great; +miseries, however direful? Do you believe me impotent, imbecile, and idiot- +like, with no understanding to contrive my escape and thy ruin, and no +energy to perpetrate it? I will tell the end of thy infernal works. The +country, in justice, shall hear me. I would that I had the language of +fire, that my words might glow, and burn, and drop like molten lava, that I +might wipe you from the face of the earth, or persuade mankind to turn away +and starve you to death. Think you that I would regret the ruin that had +overwhelmed you? Too long I have been tender-hearted and forbearing. +Whisky, whisky sellers and whisky makers, traffickers and dealers in tears, +blood, sin, shame, and woe!--ten thousand times you have dipped your bloody +talons in my blood. There is no evil you have scrupled to accumulate upon +me! Neither will I be more scrupulous. You have shown me no mercy, and you +shall receive none.</p> + +<p>Let us look at the rumseller, that we may know what manner of man he is, +and then ask if he deserves the pity, sympathy, or respect of society, or +any part of it. Viewed considerately, in the light of their respective +motives, the drunkard is an innocent and honorable man in comparison with +the retailer of drinks. The one yields under the impulse--it may be the +torture--of appetite; the other is a cool, mercenary speculator, thriving +on the frailties and vices of others. He is a man selling for gain what he +knows to be worthless and pernicious; good for none, dangerous for all, and +deadly to many. He has looked in the face the sure consequences of his +course, and if he can but make gain of it, is prepared to corrupt the +souls, embitter the lives, and blast the prosperity of an indefinite number +of his fellow-creatures. By the selling of his poisons he sees that with +terrible certainty, along with the havoc of health, lives, homes, and souls +of men, he can succeed in setting afloat a certain vast amount of property, +and that as it is thrown to the winds, some small share of it will float +within his grasp. He knows that if men remain virtuous and thrifty, if +these homes around him continue peaceful and joyous, his craft can not +prosper. The injured old mothers, the wives, and the sisters are found +where rum is sold. Orphan children throng from hut and hovel, and lift +their childish hands in supplication, asking at the hands of the guilty +whisky sellers for those who rocked their cradles, and fed and loved them. +The murderer, now sober and crushed, lifts his manacled hands, red with +blood, and charges his ruin upon the men who crazed his brain with rum. The +felon comes from his prison tomb, the pauper from his dark retreat, where +the rumseller has driven him to seek an evening's rest and a pauper's +grave. From ten thousand graves the sheeted dead stalk forth, and with +eyeless sockets and bared teeth, grin most ghastly scorn at their +destroyers. The lost float up in shadowy forms, and wail in whispered +despair. Angels turn weeping away, and God, upon his throne, looks in +anger, and hurls a woe upon the hand which "putteth a bottle to his +neighbor's lips to make him drunken." To balance all this fearful array of +mischief and woe, flowing directly from his work, the dealer in ardent +spirits can bring nothing but the plea that appetite has been gratified. +There are profits, to be sure. Death finds it the most liberal purveyor for +his horrid banquet, and hell from beneath it is moved with delight at the +fast-coming profits of the trade; and the seller also gets gain. Death, +hell, and the rumseller--beyond this partnership none are profited. Go and +shake their bloody hands, you who will! The time will be when deep down in +hell these miserable, blood-stained wretches will pant for one drop of +water, and curse the day and hour that they ever sold one drop of liquor.</p> + +<p>The experience of ages proves that the use of intoxicating agents +invariably tends to engender a burning appetite for more; and he who +indulges in them shall do it at the peril of contracting a passionate and +rabid thirst for them, which shall ultimately overmaster the will of his +victim, and drag him, unresisting, to his ruin. No man can put himself +under the influence of alcoholic stimulants without incurring the risk of +this result. It may not be perceptible at once. It may be interrupted, and +while the bonds are yet feeble he may escape. But let the habit go forward, +the excitement be often repeated, and soon a deep-wrought physical effect +will be produced; a headlong and almost delirious appetite, of the nature +of a physical necessity, will have seized the whole man as with iron arms, +and crushed from his heart the power of self-control.</p> + +<p>My whole nature was almost constantly demanding and crying out for +stimulants. During the period that I abstained from them, and for two weeks +before I touched or tasted them the last time, my agony was unbearable. In +my sleep I dreamed that I was drinking, and dreamed that I was drunk. Day +by day my appetite grew fiercer and more unbearable, until in my misery I +walked my floor hour after hour, unable to sleep, and feeling that if I lay +down I should die. One night, about a week before I yielded, I walked my +room until midnight, suffering the torments of hell. I felt that I was +dying, and rushed out of my room and walked and ran across fields and +through the woods, panting and gasping for breath. I felt that my head was +bursting to pieces. My blood boiled, and hissed, and foamed through my +veins. I could feel my heart throb and beat as though it would burst out of +my body. At that time I would have torn the veins of my arms open, if I +could have drawn whisky from them. When light came, I found that I had +walked and run seven miles since leaving my room at midnight. All that day +I was burning up for liquor. Had I been where I could lay my hands on it, a +thousand times that day I would have drank though it steeped my soul in +rivers of death.</p> + +<p>In just this condition I went to Indianapolis to address the Woman's +Temperance Convention. I felt that I would drop dead before I finished my +speech. That night I did not sleep more than an hour, and that was a +miserable hour of sleep, in which I dreamed that I was drunk. I woke up +with a burning thirst, and sharp pains darting through my brain. The very +least noise would send a new pang to my head, and when I attempted to walk, +my own footsteps would jar upon my brain as though knives were driven +through it. The next day and night I fought it like a tiger, but my thirst +only increased, and then one gets tired at last of fighting an enemy all +day, knowing that he must confront that same enemy the next day, and the +next, for one can not live always on a strain, always in fear, and doubt, +and dread. The next day I started for Richmond, where I had business, +intending to go from there to Cincinnati and Covington, and thence East. I +got to Richmond, haunted, every inch of the road, with an inexpressible +longing for stimulants. When I got there, I knew that I was where I could +get a little rest from my intense suffering, for I could get whisky. When +the thought of what would be the result of touching it forced itself on my +mind, my agony was so terrible that I could feel the sweat streaming down +my face, and I could have wrung water from my hair.</p> + +<p>If ever there was a man in ruins, a perfect spectacle of utter desolation, +I was that man, as I stood in the depot at Richmond, burning up for whisky. +Had I been standing on red-hot embers my sufferings could not have been +more intense. I feel that I can almost hear some one say, "Why did you not +pray? just go and ask God to help you." I have been told to do that ten +thousand times by good-meaning men and women, who do not know how to pray +as I do, and never will until (which God forbid) they have suffered as I +have. I did pray, and beg, and plead for mercy and help, but the heavens +were solid brass and the earth hard iron, and God did not hear or heed my +prayers. Talk about having the appetite for stimulants removed by prayer! +That appetite is just as much the part of a man as his hand, heart, brain, +or any other part of his body. Every one of God's laws are unchangeable and +immutable. The day of miracles is over. When one of God's creatures +violates his laws, he must pay the penalty; and I think it would be far +better to educate the rising generation that there is no escape for them +from the consequences of their acts, than to preach them into the belief +that they may for years pursue a course of dissipation, violate every law +of their being, and then by prayer have the chains of habit stricken off +and be restored whole.</p> + +<p>Then there is another class of individuals who have said to me, "When you +get into that condition, when you feel that you must have liquor, why don't +you just take a little in moderation?" Moderation! A drink of liquor is to +my appetite what a red-hot coal of fire is to a keg of dry powder. You can +just as easily shoot a ball from a cannon's mouth moderately, or fire off a +magazine slowly, as I can drink liquor moderately. When I take one drink, +if it is but a taste, I must have more, if I knew hell would burst out of +the earth and engulf me the next instant. I am either perfectly sober, with +no smell f of liquor about me, or I am very drunk. Some of those moderate +drinkers, who are increasing their moderation a little every day, and also +some pretended temperance people, who are always suspicious of others, +because they are sneaking, cowardly, sly, deceitful and treacherous +themselves, are constantly asking me if I do not drink a little all the +time. And then they say I use morphine and opium. There is nothing that has +made me more wretched, and done more to weaken and drag me down, than the +continued accusation of doing something that it is just as impossible for +me to do as it would be to live without breathing; that is, to take a drink +of liquor without getting drunk. And if there is any one thing that will +make me hate a man--loathe, abhor, and despise him--it is to have him +accuse me of drinking or using any kind of stimulants regularly and +moderately. I just want to say here, now, and for all time, that they who +thus accuse me, lie in their teeth, mouth, throat, and away down deep in +their dirty, cowardly, craven, black hearts.</p> + +<p>I walked from the depot in Richmond--or, rather, almost ran--until I came +to a drug store kept by a young man I have known for five or six years. He +keeps nearly all drugs in barrels, well watered, and drinks them regularly, +and, as he calls it, moderately. That is to say, he has not been sober for +five years. Always full, bloated, imbecile, idiotic--has no idea of quiting +himself, and would suffer as keenly as any brute is capable of suffering, +at the thought of any one else who is in the habit of drinking becoming a +sober man. When I went in, he was leaning back in a chair dozing, dreaming, +drunk, or as drunk as that kind of a man generally gets. I asked him for +whisky. He straightened up, and a more fiendish gleam of joy than lit up +his brutal face never sat upon the hideous countenance of a fiend fresh +from hell. He got up to get me the liquor, saying at the same time, "I will +bet you five dollars you are drunk before night." I looked at him, saw the +smile of joy, and the intense pleasure that my getting drunk was going to +afford him. Suffering, choking, and almost bereft of reason, as I was, his +look and act caused me to hesitate and wonder what manner of man it was +that was so utterly base and heartless as to rejoice at the ruin of one +whose continued prayer is to live and die sober. Then and there I prayed +God to deliver me from such friends, and keep me from their accursed +influence. Hell knows no blacker deformity than that which would drag a +fellow-creature again to degradation. Satan was as much a friend of human +happiness when he slimed into Eden. In my very youth, I made a resolve that +I never would, knowingly, stand in the path of any man and a better life: +that I would never do anything to prevent a man from leading a better life, +and I have never broken that resolution. I gathered strength and courage +enough, by a desperate effort, to get out of the store without drinking, +and started in an opposite direction from where anything was kept to drink.</p> + +<p>I had gone but a short distance, when there was no longer any enduring of +the torture. I turned back and went into another drug store, and told the +proprietor that I was sick, and asked him for whisky with some kind of +medicine in it. The man who gave it was not to blame, for he knew nothing +about me, nor the fiendish thirst with which I was possessed; and while he +was not more than a minute getting the liquor for me, it seemed an age, and +when I took the glass, I read "death" in it just as plainly as ever "death" +was written upon the field of battle. I hesitated a moment, while something +whispered, "Death!" I struggled, but could not let go of the glass. I felt +the hot, scalding tears come in my eyes. I thought if I could only die-- +just drop dead; but I could not, yet I felt that I was dying ten thousand +deaths all the time! I lifted the glass and drank death and damnation! I +drank the red blood of butchery and the fiery beverage of hell! It glowed +like hot lava in my blood, and burned upon my tongue's end. A smouldering +fire was kindled. A wild glow shot through every vein, and within my +stomach the demon was aroused to his strength. I had now but one thought, +but one burning desire that was consuming me--that was for more drink! It +crept to my fingers' ends, and out in a burning flush upon my cheek. +Drink!--DRINK! I would have had it then if I had been compelled to go to +hell for it! But I got it just one step this side the regions of the +damned. I went to a saloon and commenced to pour it down, and continued +until I was crazed. All power over my appetite was gone; I was oblivious to +everything around me. I took the train for Cincinnati. I have a dim, +shuddering remembrance of some parties at the depot trying to keep me from +taking the cars. I don't know who they were, or what they said. I got to +the city that night, and staid at the Galt House. I have no remembrance of +anything from the time I left Richmond until I awoke next day about ten +o'clock, with an aching head, swollen tongue, burnt, black, parched lips, +and a thirst for whisky that was maddening. Death would have been kindness +compared to what I suffered that morning.</p> + +<p>And here let me ask the reader to indulge me for a while, that I may +explain just the condition I was in, both physically and mentally. I know +just how much charity I am to expect and receive from the corrupt +wilderness of human society, for it is a rank and rotten soil, from which +every shrub draws poison as it grows. All that in a happier field and purer +air would expand into virtue and germinate into usefulness is converted +into henbane and deadly nightshade. I know how hard it is to get human +society to regard one's acts as other than his deliberate intentions. But +of being a drunkard by choice, and because I have not cared for the +consequences, I am innocent. I can say, and speak the truth, that there is +not a person on earth less capable than myself of recklessly and purposely +plunging himself into shame, suffering and sin. I will never believe that a +man, conscious of innocence, can not make other men perceive that he has +that thought. I have been miserable all my life. I have been harshly +treated by mankind, in being accused of wickedly doing that which I abhor, +and against which I have fought with every energy I possessed. The greatest +aggravation of my life has been that I could not make mankind believe, or +understand, my real and true condition. I can safely affirm that a blasted +character, and the curses that have clung to my name, have all of them been +slight misfortunes compared to this. I have for years endeavored to sustain +myself by the sense of my integrity; but the voice of no man on earth +echoed to the voice of my conscience. I called aloud, but there was none to +answer; there was none that regarded. To me the whole world has been as +unhearing as the tempest, and as cold as the iceberg. Sympathy, the +magnetic virtue, the hidden essence of our life, was extinct. Nor has this +been the whole sum of my misery. The food so essential to an intelligent +existence, seemed perpetually renewing before me in its fairest colors, +only the more effectually to elude my grasp and to attack my hunger. Ten +thousand times I have been prompted to unfold the affections of my soul, +only to be repelled with the greatest anguish, until my reflections +continually center upon and within myself, where wretchedness and sorrow +dwell, undisturbed by one ray of hope and light. It seems to me that any +person but a fool would know that I had not purposely led the life of +misery that has marked my steps for fifteen years. It would have been +merciful in comparison, if I had planted a dagger in my heart, for I have +suffered an anguish a thousand times worse than death. I would have had +liquor that morning at Cincinnati if I had known that one single drink +would have obliterated my body, soul, and spirit. I had no power to resist; +and to prove that I was powerless, let us see what effect alcohol, in its +physiological aspect, exerts.</p> + +<p>Alcohol possesses three distinct properties, and consequently produces a +threefold physiological effect.</p> + +<p>1. It has a nervine property, by which it excites the nervous system +inordinately, and exhilarates the brain.</p> + +<p>2. It has a stimulating property, by which it inordinately excites the +muscular motions, and the actions of the heart and blood-vessels.</p> + +<p>3. It has a narcotic property. The operation of this property is to suspend +the nervous energies, and soothe and stupefy the subject.</p> + +<p>Now, any article possessing either one, or but two of these properties, +without the other, is a simple and harmless thing compared with alcohol. It +is only because alcohol possesses this combination of properties, by which +it operates on various organs, and affects several functions in different +ways at one and the same time, that its potency is so dreadful, and its +influence so fascinating, when once the appetite is thoroughly depraved by +its use. It excites and calms, it stimulates and prostrates, it disturbs +and soothes, it energizes and exhausts, it exhilarates and stupefies +simultaneously. Now, what rational man would ever pretend that in going +through a long course of fever, when his nerves were impaired, his brain +inflamed, his blood fermenting, and his strength reduced, that he would be +able, through all the commotion and change of organism, to govern his +tastes, control his morbid cravings, and regulate his words, thoughts and +actions? Yet these same persons will accuse, blame, and curse the man who +does not control his appetite for alcohol, while his stomach is inflamed, +blood vitiated, brain hardened, nerves exhausted, senses perverted, and all +his feelings changed by the accursed stuff with which he has been poisoning +himself to death, piecemeal, for years, and which suddenly, and all at +once, manifests its accumulated strength over him. In sixteen months I have +fought a thousand battles, every one more fearful than the soldier faces +upon the field of conflict, where it rains lead and hails shot and shell, +and I have been victorious nine hundred and ninety-eight times. How many of +these who blame me would have been more successful? A man does not come out +of the flames of alcohol and heal himself in a day. It is struggle and +conflict, and woe; but at last, and finally, it is glorious victory. And if +my friends will not forsake me, I will promise them a victory over rum that +shall be complete and entire. I have neither the heart nor the desire to +attempt a description of my drunk at Cincinnati. Those who have never been +in that condition could not understand it; and to those who have, it needs +no description.</p> + +<p>I was at the Gait House for about ten days, and during all that time I was +as oblivious to all that was passing as if I had been dead and buried; I +did not know day from night. I have no remembrance of eating anything +during the whole time I was there. I only remember a burning thirst for +whisky that seemed to be consuming me. The more I drank, the more I wanted. +After the first four nights I could get no sleep, so I just staid up and +drank all night, until, for the want of slumber, my whole body was torn +with torment for long days and nights. I knew from former experience what +was the awful ending! None who have ever even seen a victim cursed with +delirium tremens will ever wish to look upon the like again. No human +language can describe it; but its scenes burn in the eyeball so deeply that +they never pass away. During the time, all the dread enginery of hell is +planted in the victim's brain and he subject to its terrible torments. Most +persons laugh at the idea of one having the tremens, and think it a sign of +weakness. But there is more disgrace and shame for the man who can drink +liquor to intoxication for ten years, and escape the drunkard's madness, +than there is for the man who has had the tremens two or three times during +that period. Tremens are brought about by the effects of the liquor upon +the brain and nerves, and the less brain or nerves a man has the less +liable he is to be a subject of the tremens. While in this situation the +victim imagines that everything is real, and thinks and believes every +object he sees actually exists. With this explanation, I will now proceed +to tell what I have seen, felt, and heard, while in that condition.</p> + +<p>I had felt the delirium tremens coming on for two or three days. I was just +standing on the verge of a mighty precipice, unable to retrace my steps, +and shuddering as I involuntarily leaned over and looked down into the +vortex which my wild and heated imagination opened before me; and I could +see the lost writhe, and hear them howl in their infernal orgies. The wail, +the curse, and the awful and unearthly ha! ha! came fearfully up before me. +I had got into that condition that not one drop of stimulants would remain +on my stomach. I had been vomiting for more than forty-eight hours every +drop that I drank. In that condition I went into a saloon and asked for a +drink; and as I tremblingly poured it out, a snake shot its head up out of +the liquor, and with swaying head, and glistening eye looking at me, licked +out its forked tongue, and hissed in my face. I felt my blood run cold and +curdle at my heart.</p> + +<p>I left the glass untouched, and walked out on the street. By a terrible +effort of my will, I, to some extent, shook off the terrible phantom. I +felt that if I could get some stimulants to remain on my stomach I might +escape the terrible torments that were gathering about me; and yet, at the +very thought of touching the accursed stuff again, I could see the head of +that snake, and could hear ten thousand hisses all around me, and feel it +writhing and crawling through every vein of my body; while at the same time +I was scorching and burning to death for more whisky. At that time I would +have marched across a mine with a match touched to it; I would have walked +before exploding cannons for more liquor. I went to another saloon, +thinking I might get a drink to stay on my stomach, and steady my nerves, +and give me strength to get home before I died; for I felt that this time +there could be no escape from death. This time I was afraid to touch the +bottle, and stood back, shaking and shuddering in every limb, while the +murderer poured out the whisky; and again that liquor turned to snakes, and +they crawled around the glass, and on the bar, and hissed, writhed, and +squirmed. Then in one instant they all coiled about each other, and matted +themselves into one snake, with a hundred heads; and from every head +glittering eyes gleamed, and forked tongues hissed at me. I rushed from the +saloon, and started, I did not know or care where, so that I might escape +my tormentors. I had walked but a short distance, when a dog as large as a +calf sprang up before me, and commenced to growl and snap at me. I picked +up a stick about three feet long, thinking to defend myself; but just as +soon as I took that stick in my hand, it turned to a snake. I could feel +its slimy body writhe and squirm in my hands, and in trying to hold it to +keep it from biting me, every finger-nail cut like a knife into the palm of +my hand, and the blood streamed down over that stick, that to me was a +living snake. Hell is a heaven compared to what I suffered at that time.</p> + +<p>At last I dashed the cursed thing from me, and ran for my life. I got to +some depot, I don't know what one, and took the cars. I didn't know or care +where I went; at about ten miles above Cincinnati I left the cars. At +times, for a little while, I could reason and understand my condition. I +found, on looking around, that I was in a little town, where a young man +lived who had been a college mate of mine. I went and told him my +condition, and he did for me everything that one friend can do for another. +But as night came on. my tormentors returned in ten thousand hideous forms, +and drove me raving mad. I went to a hotel, and there they persuaded me to +lie down. Just as soon as I got to bed I reached my hand over, and it +touched a cold, dead corpse. The room lighted up with a hundred bright +lights, and that corpse, that now appeared to me like nothing that had ever +been visible in human shape, opened its large, glassy, dead eyes, and +stared me in the face. Then its whole face and form turned to a demon, and +its red eyes glared at me, and its whole face was full of passion, +fierceness and frenzy. I shrank back from the loathsome monster. On looking +around, I beheld everything in my vision turn to a living devil. Chairs, +stand, bed, and my very clothes, took shape and form, and lived; and every +one of them cursed me. Then in one corner of my room, a form, larger and +more hideous than all the others, appeared. Its look was that of a witch, +or hag, or rather like descriptions that I had read of them. It marched +right up to me, with a face and look that will haunt me to my grave. It +began to talk to me, saying that it would thrust its fingers through my +ribs, and drink my blood; then it would stick out its long, bony, skeleton- +like fingers, that looked like sharp knives, and ha! ha! Then it said it +would sit upon me and press me to hell; that it would roast me with +brimstone, and dash my burnt entrails into my eyes. Saying this, it sprang +at me, and, for what seemed to me an age, I fought the unearthly thing. At +last it said, "Let me go!" and when it did, it glided to the door, and as +it went out, gave me a fiendish look, and said, "I will soon be back, with +all the legions of hell; I will be the death of you; you shall not be alive +one hour." I left my room, and just as soon as I touched the street I +stepped on a dead body. The whole pavement and street were filled; men, and +women, and little children, lying with their pale faces turned up to +heaven; some looked as though they were asleep; others had died in awful +agony, and their faces wore horrid contortions; while some had their eyes +burst from their heads. Every time I moved I stepped on a dead body, and it +would come to life, and rear up in my face; and when I would step on a baby +corpse it would wail in a plaintive, baby wail, and its dead mother would +come to life and rush at me, while a thousand devils would curse me for +stepping on the dead. I would tremble and beg, and try to find some place +to put my feet; but the dead were in heaps, and covered the whole ground, +so that I could neither walk nor stand without being on a corpse. If I +stepped, it was on a dead body, and it would rise up and throw its arms +about me, and curse me for trampling on it; and it was in this way that I +put in that whole night.</p> + +<p>When light dawned the horrible objects disappeared to some extent, and by a +terrible effort I was able to control my mind, and reason on my condition. +I was weak, nervous, and sick. I thought I would eat something, and try to +gain a little strength. The very moment that I sat down to the breakfast +table, every dish on that table turned to a living, moving, horrid object. +The plates, cups, knives and forks became turtles, frogs, scorpions, and +commenced to live and move toward me. I left the table without eating a +bite. I went back to the city that day. I had but just got there when I +wanted some whisky. I took a drink. During the day I drank as many as +twenty glasses of liquor, and by evening I had got myself so steadied that +I took the cars for home. I got as far as Connersville, where I remained +during the balance of my drunk. I kept drinking for three or four days, and +then commenced to vomit again. By this time I had got so weak that it was +with the greatest effort that I could stand on my feet or walk one step. I +felt the madness coming on again with tenfold fury. My terrible fear gave +me more strength. I left the house, and started out on the road, and in an +instant I was surrounded by what seemed a million of demons and devils; it +seemed as though hell had opened up before me. The earth burst open under +my feet, and hot, rolling flame was all around me. I could feel my hair and +eyebrows scorch and burn; then in a moment everything would change. I could +hear a thousand voices, all talking to me at the same time, and every one +threatening me with some horrid death; then I would be surrounded with wild +animals, fighting and tearing each other to pieces, and glaring at me, +while devils told me they would tear me to pieces; then a tiger took my +whole arm between his bloody jaws, and mashed and mangled it to pieces, and +tore that arm from my shoulder; then some fiend, in the shape of an old +hag, would come up and pour red-hot embers into the bleeding wound, from +which my arm had been torn. When I screamed in agony, devils would laugh a +horrid, devilish laugh. I looked down and saw a jug of liquor at my feet, +and when I reached down to get it I heard the click of a hundred pistols, +and a grinning black devil threw his claws over the jug; then devils and +witches boiled the whisky. I could see it on the fire, and hear it seethe +and foam; then they danced around me, and said they had the liquor so hot +that it would scald me to death; then they pried open my mouth, and poured +it down my throat. I could feel my brain bursting out of my head, as that +boiling liquor scalded and burned my tongue out of my mouth, and that +tongue turned to a snake, and with forked tongue hissed at me.</p> + +<p>The next thing I found myself standing on a railroad track; I could just +see the headlight of the engine and hear the faint rumble of the cars, and +when I tried to move off the track I found I was tied with a hundred ropes. +It seemed to me there were a hundred devils up in the air, and each one had +hold of a rope that was wound around my body in such a way that I could not +move. The cars were coming closer and closer, faster and faster; the light +of the engine looked like one horrid eye of fire; I could hear the rattle +and rush of a thousand wheels; it was coming right on me with the rapidity +of lightning. I could feel the beating of my heart, and my hair stood up +and shook and shivered. The engine ran up to me and stopped, the hot smoke +and steam choking and smothering me. The devils cursed and howled because +the cars did not run over me; they said the next time there would come sure +death; then they opened the doors of the engine, and threw in cats and +dogs, men, women, and children. I could hear them scream as the hot flames +wrapped themselves about them, until they would burst open; and that engine +was red-hot. I could see the grin of skeleton demons, as, with a horrid +curse, they motioned the engine to move back; and back, back it went, until +I could just see a faint light; then, at the wild, cursing, screaming +command of my tormentors, I could hear the cars coming again, faster and +faster, closer and closer, and that engine ran at me just that way all +night. It seemed just as real, and my sufferings were just as intense, as +if it had been a reality. When morning came the devils left me, swearing +that they would come back at night, and thus I was tortured all day with +the dread of what was coming again at night. That day, as I was walking, +hens and chickens would turn into little men and women; they were dressed +up in bloody clothes; they would surround me, and pick my body full of +holes; then they would pick my eyes out, and I could see my eyes dropping +from their bloody bills.</p> + +<p>When night came I went to my room. I could hear voices talking in all parts +of the house. They would gather about me and whisper and talk about some +way in which they would kill me; then the windows would be full of cats, +and I could feel little kittens in my pockets; and when I walked I would +step on kittens, and they would mew, and the old cats would howl and burst +through the windows, and claw me to pieces. Then devils would take live, +howling, squalling cats, and pound me with them until I was surrounded and +walled in with dead cats. The more I suffered, and the harder I tried to +escape, the more intense seemed their joy. The room would be full of every +loathsome insect; they would crawl, fly, and buzz around me, stinging me in +the face and eyes. Then the room would fill with rats and mice, and they +would run all over me. Then ten thousand devilish forms would all rush at +me. There were human forms of every size and shape. Some of them had the +face and look of a demon, and from every part of the room their eyes glared +at me; others had their throats gashed to the very spine, while every one +of them accused me of being the cause of their misery. Then devils and men +would rush at me and pin me to the wall of my room, by driving sharp, red- +hot spikes through my body. I could see and feel the blood streaming from +my wounds until my clothes were covered with it. Then they would take red- +hot irons, and burn and scrape my flesh from my bones. They would pull and +tear my teeth out, and dash them in my face. Then they would take sharp, +crooked knife blades, and run them through my body, and tear me to pieces, +and hold up before my eyes my bleeding, burned and quivering flesh, and it +would turn to bloody, hissing snakes. Then I looked and could see my coffin +and dead body. Then I came back to life again, and I heard voices under my +head cursing me, and saying that they would bury me alive. At this the +devils seized me, and I could feel myself flying through the air. At last +they stopped, and I heard a heavy door open. They dragged me into what they +told me was a vault, and, when I tried to escape, I found nothing but solid +walls. The floor was stone, and slippery and slimy. I could hear rats and +mice running over the floor. They would run up my sleeves and down my neck. +In trying to escape from them I struck a coffin; it fell on the hard stone +floor and burst open; then the room lighted up, and the skeleton from the +burst coffin stood up before me, and a long, slimy snake crawled up and +wrapped the skeleton to the very neck; and that horrid thing of bones, with +a living snake coiled all about it, walked up to me and laid its bony +fingers on my face. No language can give the least idea of the horrid +sights and sufferings in the drunkard's madness.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch13">CHAPTER XIII.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the "Dare +to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names.</p> + +<p> +After recovering from the debauch just described, which I did in the course +of two or three days, I went East to the State of Maine, where I remained +about three months, lecturing in all the principal cities, and in some of +them a number of times. In Bangor, especially, I was warmly welcomed, and I +spoke there as often as ten times, each time to a crowded house. Dr. +Reynolds, the celebrated "Dare to do right" reformer, was at that time a +resident of Bangor, and I had the honor to make his acquaintance. While in +Bangor I made my headquarters at his office, and was much benefited and +strengthened by coming in contact with him. Days and weeks passed, and I +did not taste liquor, although at times, when depressed and tired from +over-work, I found it difficult in the extreme to resist the cravings of my +appetite.</p> + +<p>I returned to Indianapolis in the spring of 1875. I remained in Indiana, +lecturing almost daily, or nightly, until autumn, when I again started East +on a lecturing tour, which lasted eight months. During this time I averaged +one lecture per day. At times, for the space of an entire week, I did not +get as much sleep as I needed in one night, and the work I did in those +eight months was enough to break down the strongest and healthiest +constitution. I spoke in all the more notable cities and towns of +Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine. With regard to my success, I will +let the Eastern press speak for me. It is not from any motive of vanity +that I insert the following notices of the papers, but from a wish to +establish in the minds of my readers the fact that my labor was earnest, +and not without good results. These extracts are not given in the order in +which they appeared; I insert them, taken at random, from hundreds of a +similar character. The first is from the Boston Daily Advertiser:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Luther Benson, of Indiana, delivered a temperance lecture last evening +in Faneuil Hall, before a large and enthusiastic audience. * * *</p> + +<p>"The meeting was opened with prayer by the Rev. Mr. Cooke, of the Hanover +Street Bethel, after which, Mr. E.H. Sheafe introduced the lecturer. The +temperance theme is so old and long discussed that it seemed well-nigh +impossible to present its merits in a new and attractive way, but Mr. +Benson in a simple, straightforward manner, in language clothed with the +peculiar western freedom of speech, together with an accent of marked +broadness, held the undivided attention of his audience from the beginning +of his lecture to the close. The several stories told by the speaker seemed +to exactly suit the temper of his hearers, as the frequent applause +testified, and altogether it was probably one of the most satisfactory +temperance lectures ever delivered in this city. Mr. Benson, who is a +reformed drunkard, describes his trials and struggles in overcoming the +evils of intemperance in a very impressive manner, awakening a strong +interest for the cause which he pleads.</p> + +<p>"During his lecture Mr. Benson paid a marked compliment to the old hall in +which he was speaking, and the liberty of speech allowed within its +portals. Total Abstinence was the one thing needed throughout the land. +There could be no such thing as moderate drinking. Prohibition should be +enforced, and great results would necessarily follow."</p> + +<p>From the Boston Daily Evening Traveler I clip this concerning my lecture at +Chelsea:</p> + +<p>"Hawthorn Hall was crowded to the very gallery last evening with an +audience assembled to listen to a lecture on temperance by Luther Benson, +Esq., of Indiana. Mr. Benson is one of the most powerful and eloquent +orators that have ever stood before an audience. For one hour and a half he +held his audience by a spell. He painted one beautiful picture after +another, and each in the very gems of the English language. He was many +times interrupted by loud bursts of applause. Words drop from his lips in +strains of such impassioned eloquence that they go directly to the hearts +of the audience, and his actions are so well suited to his words that you +can not remember a gesture. You try in vain to recall the inflection of the +voice that moved you to smiles or tears, at the speaker's will. Mr. Benson +is a young man and has only been in the lecture field a little over one +year; yet at one leap he has taken the very front rank, and is already +measuring strength with the oldest and ablest lecturers in the country."</p> + +<p>The next is from the Boston Daily Herald:</p> + +<p class="center">"TEMPERANCE AT FANEUIL HALL.</p> + +<p>"The old cradle of liberty was filled last evening by a large and +appreciative audience, assembled to hear Luther Benson, a well-known +temperance advocate from Indiana. Mr. E.H. Sheafe, under whose auspices the +lecture was held, presided, and the platform was occupied by the Rev. Mr. +Cook, who offered prayer, and by Messrs. Timothy Bigelow, Esq., F.S. +Harding, Charles West, John Tobias, S.C. Knight, and other well-known +temperance workers in this city. Mr. Benson is a reformed man, and, +speaking as he did from a terrible experience, he made an excellent +impression, and proved himself an orator of tact, talent and ability. A +number of his passages were marked with true eloquence and pathos, and for +an hour and a quarter he held the closest attention of his large audience +in a manner that could only be done by those who are earnest in the cause, +and appeal directly to their hearers."</p> + +<p>From the Dover (N.H.) Democrat, this:</p> + +<p>"Luther Benson, Esq., spoke to the largest audience ever gathered in the +City Hall, last night. Notwithstanding the snow, more than fourteen hundred +people crowded themselves in the hall, while hundreds went away for want of +even standing-room. He has created a perfect storm of enthusiasm for +himself in the cause he so earnestly and eloquently advocates. Last night +was Mr. Benson's fourth speech in this city, each one delivered without +notes or manuscript, and with no repetition. He goes from here to Great +Falls and Berwick. Next Sunday he returns to this city, and speaks here for +the last time in City Hall at half past seven o'clock. There never has been +a lecturer among us that could repeatedly draw increased audiences, and +certainly no man--not even Gough--ever so stirred all classes of our people +on the subject of temperance as has Benson. The receipts at the door last +evening were about one hundred and forty dollars. A number who had +purchased tickets previous to the lecture were unable to get in the hall."</p> + +<p>And this from the Pittsburg (Pa.) Gazette:</p> + +<p>"Luther Benson, Esq., of Indiana, has just closed one of the most powerful +temperance lectures ever delivered here. The house was one solid mass of +people, with not one spare inch of standing-room. For nearly two hours he +held the audience as by magic. At the close a large number signed the +pledge, some of them the hardest drinkers here. The people are so delighted +with his good work that they have secured him for another lecture Wednesday +evening."</p> + +<p>The next extract is from the Manchester (N.H.) Press:</p> + +<p>"Smyth's Hall was completely filled, seats and standing room, at two +o'clock Sunday afternoon, with an audience which came to hear Luther +Benson. The officers of the Reform Club, clergymen and reformed drunkards +occupied seats upon the platform. Mr. Benson is a native of Indiana, and +says he has been a drunkard from six years of age. He was within three +months of graduation from college when he was expelled for drunkenness. +Then he studied for a lawyer, and was admitted to practice, being drunk +while studying, and drunk while engaged in a case. At length he reduced +himself to poverty, pawning all he had for drink. At length he started to +reform, and though he had once fallen, he was determined to persevere. +Since his reformation two years ago he had been giving temperance lectures. +He is a young man, a powerful, swinging sort of speaker, with a good +command of language, original, with peculiar intonation, pronunciation and +idioms, sometimes rough, but eminently popular with his audiences. He spoke +for an hour and a half steadily, wiping the perspiration from his face at +intervals, taking up the greater part of his address with his personal +experience. He said he had had delirium tremens several times, once for +fifteen days, and gave an exceedingly minute and graphic description of his +torments. A number of men signed the pledge at the close of the meeting, +Among them was one man, who sat in front of the audience and kept drinking +from a bottle he had, evidently in a spirit of bravado, but at the +conclusion of the address he signed the pledge, crying like a child."</p> + +<p>From the Saltsburg Press, of Pennsylvania, I copy the following:</p> + +<p>"On Monday evening, 29th inst., the people of our staid and quiet little +town had their dormant spirits stirred to their inmost depths, by an +eloquent and thrilling lecture delivered in the Presbyterian church by +Luther Benson, Esq., a native of Indianapolis, Indiana, who chose for his +topic "Total Abstinence." He opened his lecture by delineating in the most +touching and beautiful language the almost heavenly happiness resulting in +a total abstinence from all intoxicating beverages, and by his well-aimed +contrasts demonstrated that, in the use of those beverages, even in a +temperate degree, there was but one result--drunkenness and eternal death. +He was no advocate of temperance; that is, the temperate use of anything +hurtful. Did not believe that anything vicious could be tampered with, +without harm coming from it. He argued to a final and satisfactory +conclusion, that in the use of alcoholic beverages there could be no such +thing as temperance; that the man who took a drink now and then would make +it convenient to take more drinks now than he would then, and in the end +would as surely fill a drunkard's grave as the man who persistently abused +the beverage in its use. His description of the two paths through life was +a most beautiful word picture. That of sobriety leading through bright +green fields, over flowery plains, by pleasant rivulets, where all was +peace and harmony, and over which the spirit of heaven itself seemed to +brood and watch; and that of drunkenness, in which all the miseries and +tortures of the imaginary hell were concentrated in a living death; of +blighted hopes, of wasted life, of ruined homes, of broken hearts, of a +conscience goaded to an insanity--to a madness--to fairly wallow in the +Lethean draft, that memory might be robbed of its poignant goadings; that +the poor, helpless, and degraded victim might escape its horrors in +oblivion.</p> + +<p>"He had been a victim in the toils of the monster for fifteen years; had +endured all the horrors it inflicted upon its votaries during that time, +and made an eloquent appeal to the young men present to choose the right +way and walk therein. He pictured the inevitable result in new and +convincing arguments holding up his own almost hopeless case as a warning. +His description of delirium tremens, while it was frightful, was not +overdrawn. He told the simple truth, as any one who has passed through the +horrible ordeal can testify.</p> + +<p>"We have not space to follow Mr. Benson through his lecture, which was +truly original in language, style and delivery. He is a lawyer by +profession, about twenty-eight years, and is wonderfully gifted with a +pleasing way, rapidly flowing and eloquent language, that carries to the +audience the conviction that he is in earnest in the work of total +abstinence; that in the effort to reclaim himself he will leave nothing +undone to save those who may have started out in life impressed with the +belief that there is pleasure and enjoyment under the influence of +intoxication. That he will accomplish good there is no doubt. He goes into +the work under the influence of the Holy Spirit; maintaining that the grace +of God alone can work a thorough reformation. We have heard Gough lecture, +but maintain that the eloquent, forcible, humorous, pathetic, and +convincing language of Mr. Benson is of a better and higher order, and will +prove more effectual in touching the hearts of those who stand upon the +verge of ruin.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Benson will lecture this (Tuesday) evening, in the Presbyterian +church. Doors open at 6:30; lecture commencing at 7:30. The lecture this +evening will be on a different subject, and no part of the lecture of last +evening will be repeated.</p> + +<p>"As a result of the lecture Monday evening, one hundred and sixty-two +persons signed the pledge."</p> + +<p>With reference to the lecture delivered at Faneuil Hall, the Boston +Temperance Album gives the succeeding synopsis:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Benson, on being introduced, paid the following eloquent tribute to +the Hall:</p> + +<p>"Ladies and gentlemen: It is with emotions such as I have never experienced +upon any former occasion, that I stand before you to-night in this, the +birthplace of American liberty. It was in this hall that was first +inaugurated the grand march of revolution and liberty that has gilded the +page of the history of our time with the most glorious achievements of the +patriot that the world has ever had to admire. It was here that was +inaugurated those immortal principles that caused revolution to rise in +fire, and go down in freedom, amid the ruins and relics of oppression. It +was here that the beacon of liberty first blazed, and the rainbow of +freedom rose on the cloud of war; and as a result, of the patriotism and +heroism of our forefathers, liberty has erected her altars here in the very +garden of the globe, and the genius of the earth worship at her feet. And +here in this garden of the West, here in this land of aspiring hope, where +innocence is equity, and talent is triumph, the exile from every land finds +a home where his youth may be crowned with happiness, and the sun of life's +evening go down with the unmolested hope of a glorious immortality. Who is +not proud of being an American citizen, and walking erect and secure under +the Stars and Stripes?</p> + +<p>"If there be a place on earth where the human mind, unfettered by +tyrannical institutions, may rise to the summit of intellectual grandeur, +it is here. If there be a country where the human heart, in public and in +private, may burst forth in unrestrained adulation to the God that made it, +it is here, where the immortal heroes and patriots of more than one hundred +years ago succeeded in establishing these United States, as the 'land of +the free and the home of the brave.' Here, then, human excellence must +attain to the summit of its glory. Mind constitutes the majesty of man, +virtue his true nobility. The tide of improvement which is now flowing like +another Niagara through the land, is destined to flow on down to the latest +posterity, and it will bear on its mighty bosom our virtues, or our vices, +our glory, or our shame, or whatever else we may transmit as an +inheritance. Thus it depends upon ourselves whether the moth of immortality +and the vampire of luxury shall prove the overthrow of this country, or +whether knowledge and virtue, like pillars, shall support her against the +whirlwinds of war, ambition, corruption, and the remorseless tooth of time. +And while assembled here to-night, in this, the very cradle of liberty, let +us not forget that there are evils to be shunned and avoided by us as +individuals and as a common people.</p> + +<p>"It is about one of these evils that is threatening the stability, +prosperity, and happiness of this whole country that I would talk to you +to-night. Let us approach near to each other and talk, if possible, soul to +soul, and heart to heart, I would talk to you to-night of liberty, that +liberty that frees us, body, soul, and spirit, from the slavery of the +intoxicating bowl; a slavery more soul-wearing and life-destroying than any +Egyptian bondage. Why, it is but a few years ago that this whole continent +rocked to its very center on the question as to whether human slavery +should endure upon its soil! That was but the slavery of the body, a +slavery for this life; and that was bad enough, but the slavery about which +I talk to you is a slavery not only of the body, but of the soul, and of +the spirit; a slavery not only for this life, but a slavery that goes +beyond the gates of the tomb, and reaches out into an infinite eternity. +The slavery of intoxication, unlike human slavery, is confined to no +particular section, climate, or society; for it wars on all mankind. It has +for its home this whole world. It has the flesh for its mother and the +devil for its father. It stands out a headless, heartless, eyeless, +earless, soulless monster of gigantic and fabulous proportions."</p> + +<p>As a <i>very few</i> persons have said my labors in the +cause of Temperance were not, and are not, productive +of good, I will give just very short extracts from +a number of letters which I have received from persons +who ought to know:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Frankfort, Ind.</span>, October 18, 1875.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Luther Benson, Esq.</span>--<i>My Dear Sir</i>--Yours of the 14th is before +me for answer, and, although very busily engaged in court, I +can not refrain from answering at some length. First, I will say, +"I have kept the faith." Though "the fight" is not yet over, my +emancipation from the terrible thralldom is measurably complete. +Occasional twinges of appetite yet admonish me to maintain my +vigilance. It was while struggling with one of these that your letter +came like a messenger from heaven to encourage and strengthen +me. Not a day passes but that I think of you, and to your wise +counsel and affectionate admonition, under Providence, I owe my +beginning and continuance in this well-doing. * * * May the +Lord spare you to "open the lips of truth" to those who, like myself, +will perish without a revelation of their danger. With high +esteem and sincere affection, I am, ever your friend, —</p> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Salem, Mass.</span>, October 29, 1875.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Bro. Benson</span>--I write you these few lines to cheer your heart, +and assure you that your labor in Salem has not been in vain in +the Lord's cause (the Temperance Reform). Our friend and brother, +—, from Beverly, was over at our meeting on Wednesday +evening last, and it would do your heart good to see the change in +him. He will never forget Luther Benson, for it was your first +speech in Salem that saved him. — +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>I desire now to come down to the very near present, +as some claim that my late <i>afflictions</i> and sore misfortunes +have extinguished my capacity for good:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Memphis, Mo.</span>, Feb. 14, 1878.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Dear Benson</span>--I know of my personal knowledge that you did +a grand work here. Bro. B., you remember my pointing out to +you a Dr. —, and telling you what a persecutor of churches he +was, and how hard he drank. He in two nights after you were +here signed the pledge, and in telling his experience, said that you +saved him--that no other person had ever been able to impress him +as you did.</p> + +<p>Truly, —</p> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<p class="right">—, Jan. 1, 1878.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">My Very Dear Friend</span>--I wish I could be with you and knee +with you as in the past, and hear your faith in God. Here is my +hand forever. You have done more for me than all the shepherds +on the bleak hillsides of this black world.</p> + +<p>Lovingly, —</p> + +<hr class="narrow" /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smallc">Terre Haute, Ind.</span>, Feb. 22, 1878.</p> + +<p><span class="smallc">Dear Benson</span>--You have done more for me than all the men and +women on earth. One year ago I heard you lecture on Temperance +in Lafayette. Then I was a poor outcast drunkard; you saved me. +I am now a sober man and a Christian. — +</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>I could furnish thousands of such testimonials as +the above, but deem these sufficient to convince any +honest person that my toil is not in vain.</p> + +<p>From one of the journals of my native State I clip +the concluding extract:</p> + +<p>"Luther Benson, the gifted inebriate orator, is still +struggling against the demon of strong drink. He +spoke at Jeffersonville recently, and in the middle of +his discourse became so chagrined and disheartened +at his repeated failures at reform, that he took his +seat and burst into a flood of tears. He has since +connected himself with the church, and has professed +religion. May his new resolves and associations +strengthen him in the line of duty. But, like the +man among the tombs, the demons of appetite have +taken full possession of his soul, and riot in every +vein and fiber of his being. It is a fearful thraldom +to be encompassed with the wild hallucinations begotten +through a life of dissipation and debauchery. +The strongest resolves at reform are broken as ropes +of sand. All the moral faculties are made tributary +to the one ruling passion--drink, drink, drink! But +still his repeated resolves and heroic efforts betoken a +greatness of soul rarely witnessed. May he yet live +to see the devils that so sorely beset him running furiously +down a steep place into the sea, and sink forever +from his annoyance. But when they do come +out of the man, instead of entering a herd of heedless +swine for their coursers to the deep, may they ride, +booted and spurred, every saloon-keeper who has contributed +to make Luther Benson what he is, to the +very verge of despair, and to the brink of hell's +yawning abyss."</p> + +<p>I might give many more well written and flattering +criticisms, but from the foregoing the reader can determine +in what estimation to hold my labor. For +myself I am not solicitous for anything beyond +escape from my thraldom, and that peace which is +the sure accompaniment of a temperate Christian life. +If I thought that my readers were of the opinion +held by some of my enemies that my lectures have +not been productive of good, I could quote from +numberless private letters received from all parts of +the land, in which I am assured of the good results +which have crowned my humble efforts--in which I +am told of very many instances where my words of +entreaty and self-humiliation have been the means +of bringing back from the darkness and death of intemperance, +fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers +who were on the road to destruction. I have letters +from the wives, mothers, and sisters of these men, +invoking the blessings of heaven upon me for the +peace and happiness thus restored to them. I have +letters from little children thanking me also for giving +them back their fathers, and I thank God from +the depths of my torn and desolate heart that I have +been the humble instrument of good in these cases. +In my darkest hours, when I feel that all is lost, +when hope seems to soar away from me to the far-off +heavens from which she first descended to this world, +these letters, which I often read, and over which I +have so often wept grateful tears, give me strength +and courage to face the struggle before me. My +most earnest prayer to God has been that I may do +some good to compensate in some measure for the +talent which he gave me, and which I have so sadly +wasted. I have avoided mentioning the names of +the many dear friends who have not forsaken me in +this last extremity. As I write, name after name, +dear to memory, crowds into my mind. I can hardly +refrain from giving them a place on these pages, but +to mention a few would be manifestly unjust to the +remainder, and it is out of my power to print all of +them in the space which could be afforded in this +small book. But I wish to assure every man and +woman who has ever given me a kind word of encouragement, +or even a kind look, that they are not +and never will be forgotten. Whatever my future +fate may be, you did your duty, and God will bless +you. Your names are all sacred to me.</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch14">CHAPTER XIV.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to +hell--Conceive the idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis +on a third tour east in company with Gen. Macauley--Separate +from him at Buffalo--I go on to New York alone--Trading +clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey City--In +the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In +court--"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At +the residence of Junius Brutus +Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go to Boston--Attend +the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home +once more--Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow +which whispered--"Go away!"</p> + +<p> +I returned home from this second tour in the Eastern +States in April, 1876, with shattered nerves and +weary brain, but instead of resting, I went on lecturing +until my overworked mind and body could no +longer hold out, and then it was, after nearly two +years of sobriety, that I once more fell. For weeks +before this disaster overtook me, I was actually an +irresponsible maniac. My pulse was never lower +than one hundred to the minute, and much of the +time it ran up to one hundred and twenty. I was so +weak that with all my energy aroused I could only +move about with feeble steps, and a constant anxiety +and longing for something to drink preyed upon me. +I was not content to remain in one place, but wanted +to be going somewhere all the time, I cared not +where. In this condition I dragged along my existence +for weeks, until at last, driven to a frenzy, +reason fled, and I plunged headlong into the horrors +of another debauch. My downward course appeared +to be accelerated by the very struggles which I had +made to rise during the past two years. The moment +I recovered from one horrible spell another +more fierce seized me and plunged me into the very +depths of hell. I now conceived the idea of getting +some one to travel with me, thinking that by this +means I could perhaps throw off the morbid gloom +and melancholy which hung over me. But again +I did the very thing I should not have done--I lectured.</p> + +<p>On the 30th of September, 1876, I started from +Indianapolis, in company with Gen. Dan. Macauley, +on a third lecturing tour East. I was drunk when +we started, and remained in that accursed state during +the journey. At Buffalo, New York, we got +separated, thence I went to New York city alone, +where I continued drinking until I had no money. +I then commenced to pawn my clothes--first, my +vest; second, a pair of new boots, worth fourteen dollars; +I got a quart of whisky, an old and worn-out +pair of shoes, and ten cents in money, for my boots. +I drank up the whisky, and traded off my overcoat. +It was worth sixty dollars. I realized about five +cents on the dollar, and all the horrors of all hells +ever heard of, for I was attacked with the delirium +tremens. By some means, of which I am entirely +ignorant, I got across the river, into Jersey City, and +was there arrested and lodged in the calaboose, in +which I remained from Saturday until the following +Monday. I suffered more in the forty-eight hours +embraced in that time than I ever before or since suffered +in the same length of time. I do not know the +hour, but it was getting dark on that Saturday evening, +when I got deathly sick, and commenced vomiting. +I continued vomiting until Monday. Nothing +that I swallowed would remain on my stomach. +About eight o'clock Saturday evening the authorities, +the police officers, put a large number of men and +boys, who were arrested for being drunk, in the room +in which I was confined. By midnight there were +fourteen of us in a small, poorly-ventilated, dirty +room. Planks extended around the room on three +sides, and on these those who could get a place lay +down. Among the number of "drunks" imprisoned +with me were some of the worst and largest roughs of +Jersey City, and these inhuman wretches, in the absence +of the police, threatened; to take my life if I vomited +again. In the room adjoining ours a madman +was confined, and I don't think he ceased kicking and +screaming a moment from Saturday night until Monday. +In the room just across the narrow hall, fronting +ours, was an insane woman, who swore she had +two souls, one of which was in hell! She, too, kept up +an incessant, piteous wailing, begging some one, ever +and anon, with piercing screams, to bring back her lost +soul! Indianapolis is more civilized than Jersey City +in respect to her prisons, but not with respect to her +police. And I am pretty sure that, as managed by its +present superintendent, the unfortunate insane are in +no other State cared for as they are in the Indiana +asylum, and in no other State is the appropriation for +running such a noble institution so beggarly as in +ours. I have visited other asylums, and am now an +inmate of this, and I know whereof I speak.</p> + +<p>The reader may have a faint idea of my sufferings +while in the Jersey City calaboose when I tell him +that the least noise pierced my brain like a knife. I +can in fancy and in my dreams hear the wild screams +of that woman yet. On Monday morning we were +marched together to a room, and I saw that there were +about fifty persons all told under arrest. Among the +number were many women, and I write with sorrow +that their language was more profane and indecent +than that of the men. I stood as in a nightmare and +heard the judge say from time to time--"Five dollars"--"Ten +dollars"--"Ten days"--"Fifteen +days"--and so on. I was so weak that I found it +almost out of my power to stand up, and as the +various sentences were pronounced my heart gave a +quick throb of agony. I felt that a sentence of ten +days would kill me. At this moment "John Dalton" +was called. I answered "Here, your Honor!" for +Dalton was the name I had assumed. My offense +was read--and the officer who arrested me volunteered +the statement that I was not disorderly, and +that I had not been creating any disturbance. I felt +called upon to plead my own case before the judge, +and without waiting for his permission I began to +speak. It was life or death with me, and for ten +minutes I spoke as I never spoke before and have +never spoken since. I pierced through his judicial +armor and touched his pity, else the fear of being +talked to death influenced him, to discharge me with +the generous advice to leave the city. Either way I +was free, and was not long in getting across the river +into New York, where I succeeded in finding General +Macauley who saw that my toilet was once more +arranged in a respectable manner. That night we +started for Boston, and arrived there on Tuesday +morning. I got drunk immediately and remained +drunk until Saturday, on which memorable day I +went in company with the General to Junius Brutus +Booth's residence, at Manchester, Mass., where I +staid, well provided for, until I got sober. I then +began to fill my engagements, and for six weeks lectured +almost every day and night. I again broke +down and came home. I finally got sober once more +and did not drink anything until in January last, when +I again fell. I went to Jeffersonville to lecture, and +while there became converted. Had I then ceased to +work and given my worn-out body and mind a much +needed rest, I would have to-day been standing up before +the world a free and happy man. But my desire +to see and tell every one of the new joy which I had +found controlled me, and for six weeks I spoke every +day, and often twice a day. I started east again and +went to Boston. I attended the Moody and Sankey +meetings, but was troubled with I know not what. +All the time an unnatural feeling seemed to have +possession of me.</p> + +<p>One afternoon, just after getting off my knees from +prayer, a strange spell came over me and before I could +realize what I was doing, the devil hurried me into +a saloon, where I began to drink recklessly, and knew +nothing more for two or three days. Then I awoke, +I knew not where. Some of my friends found me +and sent me home. I now suffered more mental torture +than I experienced on sobering up from any +other spree I was ever on. I believed firmly that I +was saved; that my appetite for liquor was forever +gone. I felt now that there was no hope for me. +Oh, the despairing days and long black nights of +agony unspeakable that followed this debauch! In +time I recovered physical health, and began to lecture, +though under greater difficulties than ever before. +I was so harrassed by my own shame and the +world's doubts that within a month I again got drunk. +While on this spree my friends made out the necessary +papers, and I was committed to the Indiana +Hospital for the Insane. Here, then, I am to-day, +very near the end of my most wretched and misspent +life. How can I tell the emotions which swell in my +heart? It is on the record of this asylum that I was +brought here June 4th, a victim of intemperance. +Everything is being done for me that can be done, +but I feel that my case is hopeless unless help comes +from above. Ordinarily restraint and proper attention +to diet and rest would in time cure aggravated +cases of that peculiar insanity which manifests itself +in an abnormal and excessive demand for liquor. +But with me the spell returns after months of sobriety +with a force which I am powerless to resist, as +the reader has seen in the several instances given in +this autobiography. The rule of treatment for patients +here varies with the different characters of the +patients. The impressions which I had formed of +insane asylums was very different from those which +have come from my sojourn among the insane. There +is less screaming and violence than I thought there +would be, and for most of the time the wards in which +the better class of patients are confined are as still and +apparently as peaceful as a home circle. The horror +experienced during the first week's, or first two weeks' +confinement wears off, and one gradually forgets that +he is in a house for the mad. Many amusing cases +come under my observation, but there are others +which excite various feelings of pity, disgust, fear, +and horror. There is, for instance, a man in "my +ward" who imagines that he has murdered all his +relations. Another believes that he swallowed and +carries within him a living mule which compels him +to walk on his hands as well as his feet. One poor +fellow can not be convinced but assassins are hourly +trying to stab or shoot him. One is afraid to eat for +fear of being poisoned, and another wants to disembowel +himself. Twice a day the wards, which number +from thirty to forty patients under the charge of +two attendants, one or the other of whom is constantly +on duty, are taken out for a walk in the beautiful +grounds around the asylum. Sometimes, when +it is thought that the patient will be benefited, and +when he is really well but still not in a condition to +be discharged, he is allowed the freedom of the +grounds. After I had been here two weeks I was +permitted to go out on the grounds alone. But my +feelings are about the same outside the building as +inside. Even as I write I feel that there is a devil +within me which is demanding me to go away from +this place. I want whisky, and would at this moment +barter my soul for a pint of the hellish poison. +I have now been here a little over a month. Like +all the other patients, I am kindly treated. Our beds +are clean, and our food is well prepared, such as it is, +and it is really much better than could be expected +on the appropriation made by the last Legislature. +I doubt if there is another institution of the kind in +the United States that can be compared with this in +the ability, justice, kindness, and noble and unswerving +honesty of its management. Dr. Everts, the +superintendent, is a gentleman whom I have not the +honor to know personally, but whose commanding +intelligence, and equally great heart, are venerated +by all who do know him.</p> + +<p>This is the fourth day of July, and I have written +to my friends to come and take me away--for what +purpose I dare not think. I am utterly desolate and +miserable, and dare not look forward to the future, +for I dread to face the uncertain and unknown TO-COME. +To stay here is worse than madness, in my +present condition, and to go away may be death. O, +that some power higher than earth would reach forth +a hand and save me from myself! I can not remain +here without abusing the kindness and trust of a great +institution, nor can I go away, I fear, without bringing +disgrace on my friends, and shame and death on +myself. God of mercy, help me! I know how useless +it would be to lock me up in solitary confinement, +and I think my attendant physician also feels that I +can not be saved by any means within the reach of +the asylum. With others not insane, but cursed with +that insanity for drink which, if not checked, will +soon or late lead to the destruction of reason and life +itself, there is a chance to restore them from the curse +to a life of honor and usefulness, and no means should +be left untried which may ultimately save them, especially +the young who, but for this curse infernal, +might rise to a useful and even august manhood.</p> + +<p>The shadows of the evening are settling upon the +face of the earth. Now and then the report of a cannon +in the direction of the city recalls what day it is, +and I am reminded that crowds are thronging the +streets for the purpose of witnessing the display of +holiday fireworks; but vain to me such mimicry. A +tall and mysterious shadow, more dark and awful than +any which will steal among the graves of the old +churchyard to-night, has risen and now stands beside +whispering in the stillness--"Go away!"</p> + + + +<h2><a name="ch15">CHAPTER XV.</a></h2> + +<p class="subjects">A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My +friends consult with the officers of the institution--I am +discharged--Go to Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings +and horrible sufferings--Alcohol--The tyrant whom all +should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is anything gained +by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It leads to +ruin and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at +present--The end.</p> + +<p> +After writing the words "go away," which close +the preceding chapter, I lay down and tried to compose +my thoughts, but the effort was futile. I passed +a sleepless night, and when morning came I had +fully resolved to leave the hospital if in my power +to do so. During the forenoon I took up my pencil +a number of times for the purpose of writing, but I +was so disturbed in mind that I could not write a +line intelligibly, and I will here say that from that +day, July fifth, to this, September fifteenth, the manuscript +remained untouched in the hands of a very dear +friend, to whom I am under many obligations for his +clear advice and judgment on matters of this sort as +well as on others. I will now write this, the fifteenth +and last chapter of this book; and in order to make +the story of my life complete up to this date, I will +go back and resume the thread of the narrative +where it was left off on the evening of the fourth of +July. It will be remembered that in my last chapter +I spoke of having written letters to some of my +friends desiring them to come and ask for my discharge. +I awaited impatiently their coming, but +when they came, which was on the sixth of July, I +think, they were undecided whether it would be better +for me to "go away," or remain longer at the +asylum, but I plead to go, as if my life depended +upon it. After consultation with the authorities at +the hospital, who were clearly of the opinion that +they had no right to detain me under the circumstances, +and who, therefore, felt it incumbent upon +them to discharge me, particularly if my friends +were willing, it was by all parties decided that I +should go. I felt glad in my heart that the institution +was relieved of all responsibility in my case, for +I did not wish to bring reproach upon anyone, and I +feared if I remained longer I might take some rash +step (abusing the generous kindness of my officers) +that would do so. They had done their whole duty +by me, and it remained for me now to do my duty to +myself and friends. But as soon as I got to Indianapolis +the pent-up fires of appetite blazed forth, and +while on the way to the Union Depot to take the +train to Rushville, I gave my friends the slip, and, +sneaking like a thief through the alleys, I sought +and found an obscure saloon in which I secreted myself +and began to drink. I was once more on the +road which leads to perdition. The old enemy, who +had crawled up the walls of the asylum and slimed +himself through my grated windows, and coiled +around my heart in frightful dreams, again had me +in his possession. Thus began one of the most +maniacal and terrible drunks of my life. I became +possessed of the wildest and most unreal thoughts +that ever entered a crazed brain. I abused and misrepresented +my best friends, and cursed everything +but the thrice cursed liquor which was burning up +my body and soul. I told absurd and terrible stories +about the places where I had been, and about the +friends who had done most for me. I was insane--as +utterly so for the time as the worst case in the +asylum. I knew not what I did or said, and yet my +actions and words were cunningly contrived to deceive.</p> + +<p>For the greater part of the fifteen days which followed +I was as unconscious of what I did or said as +if I had been dead and buried in the bottom of the +sea. What I know of the time I have learned since +from the lips of others. The hideous, fiendish serpent +of drunkenness possessed my whole being. I +felt him in every nerve, bone, sinew, fiber, and drop +of blood in my body. There were moments when a +glimmer of reason came to me, and with it a pang +that shriveled my soul. During the period that I +was drinking I was in Rushville, after leaving Indianapolis, +Falmouth and Cambridge City. Of course, +for the most part of the time, I knew not where I was. +As I think of it now, I know that I was in hell. My +thirst for whisky was positively maddening. I tried +every means to quit, when conscious of my existence: +I voluntarily entered the calaboose more than once, +and was locked up, but the instant I got out, the +madness caused me to fly where liquor was. I drank +it in enormous quantities, and smothered without +quenching the scorching, blazing fires of hell which +were making cinders and ashes of every hope and +energy of my being. I made my bed among serpents; +I fed on flames and poison; I walked with demons +and ghouls; all unutterable and slimy monsters +crawled around and over me; every breath that I +drew reeked with the odor of death; every beat of +my fast-throbbing heart sent the hissing, boiling +blood through my veins, which returned and froze +about it. I have neither words nor images sufficiently +horrible to typify my condition. I became, +for the time an abhorred object; the sex of my sainted +mother made a wide sweep to pass me by, and dear, +little, innocent children fled from me as from a monster. +My soul was no longer my own. The fiend +Appetite had given it over, bound and helpless, to +the fiend Alcohol. I turned by bleared vision towards +the vaulted skies, and cursed them because they did +not rain fire and brimstone down upon me and destroy +me. And yet, oh! how I dreaded to die! The +grave opened before me, and a million horrors were +in its hollow and black chasm. The scalding tears I +shed gave me no relief; the cries I uttered were unheard; +and every ear was deaf to my pleadings. At +times I thought of the asylum, and I would have +given worlds could I have retraced my steps, and slept +once more securely within its merciful and protecting +walls. O, God! I screamed, why did I leave it? As +day after day dragged its endless length along, and +no relief came, my despair was a delirium of wretchedness. +The sun appeared to be extinguished, and +the universe was a void of black, impenetrable darkness, +out of which, before and after me, rose the hideous +specters, Death and Annihilation. The unimaginable +horrors of the tremens were upon me.</p> + +<p>Once more hear my voice, you who read! Lose +no opportunity to strike a blow at intemperance. It +may smile in the rosy face of youth, but do not be deceived; +there are agonies unspeakable hidden beneath +that smile. Look not on the wine cup when it is +red, no matter if the jeweled hand of a princess hold it +between you and the light. It is the beginning whose +end is degradation, remorse, misery and death! Turn +from a glass of beer as from a goblet of reeking and +poisoned blood. It is a danger to be shunned. Beware +that you do not learn this too late.</p> + +<p>Alcohol, ruin, and death go hand in hand. The +region over which Alcohol is king is one of decay. +It is full of graves. The ghosts of the million joys, +he has slain wail amid its ghastly desolations; there +are sounds of sobbing orphans there; echoes of widows' +shrieks; and the lamentations of fond mothers +and wives, heart-broken, vex the realm; youth and age +lie here dishonored together; in vain the sweetheart +begs her lover to return from its fatal mists; in vain +the pure sister calls with trembling tongue for her +erring brother. He will not come back. He is the +slave of a tyrant who has no compassion and knows +no mercy. Oppose this tyrant, all ye who love the +home circle better than the bawdy house; fight him +all ye who set honor above dishonor; curse him all +ye who prefer peace to discord, and law to anarchy; +war against him in all ways unceasingly all ye to +whom the thought of liberty and safety is dear, to +whom happiness and truth are more desirable than +misery and falsehood.</p> + +<p>What, let me ask, is to be gained by drinking? +What blessing comes from forming or indulging the +habit? Pause here and think well before you answer. +You could not afford to drink if the wealth of a +nation were yours, because no man can afford to lose +health and happiness if he hopes enjoyment in life. +If you are strong, alcohol will destroy your nerves +and sap your vigor. If you are weak, it will enfeeble +you the more. If you are unhappy, it will only add +to your unhappiness. Look at the subject as you +will, you can not afford to drink intoxicating liquors. +The moment you begin to form the habit of drinking +that moment you begin to endanger your reputation, +health and happiness, and that of your family and +friends also. And let me say right now that you begin +to form the habit when you touch your lips to +any sort of intoxicating drink the first time. I have +drank the sparkle and foam, and the gall and wormwood +of all liquors. Do you envy me the horrors +through which I have passed? You know how to +avoid them. Never touch liquor. If you are bent +on going to hell and destruction, choose a nearer and +more honorable way by blowing your brains out at +once.</p> + +<p>A few words more, dear readers, and I will bid you +good by. Many of you have no doubt heard of my +restored peace and lasting favor with God at Fowler, +Indiana. With regard to it and my condition at the +present time, I will incorporate in substance the letter +which I recently published in reply to inquiries addressed +to me from all parts of the country, shortly +after that event. I will give the letter with but little +change, even at the risk of repeating what is elsewhere +recorded. It is as follows:</p> + +<p>On the evening of January twenty-first, 1877, at +Jeffersonville, Indiana, God pardoned my sins and +made me a new creature. For weeks happiness and +joy were mine. The appetite--rather my passion--for +liquor, which made the present a misery and the +future a darkness, was no longer present. Its heavy +burdens had fallen from me. Of this there could be +no doubt; but I had been educated to believe that +"once in grace always in grace," and this led to a +fatal deception, a belief that I could not fall; that +after God had once pardoned my sins I was as surely +saved as if already in Paradise. That they were +pardoned I had not a doubt, for the manifestations +were as clear as light. Falsely thinking that I was +pardoned for all time, my soul grew self-reliant: I +became at the same time careless of my religious duties. +I neglected to pray, to beware of temptation, and, +naturally enough, soon found myself drifting into the +society of those who neither loved nor feared God. +Had I trusted alone in God and permitted the Savior +to lead and keep me, I should not have fallen. Instead, +I went back to the world, gave no thanks to +God for his mercy and love, and thus dishonoring +him, his face was hidden from me.</p> + +<p>I went to Boston to speak in Moody and Sankey's +meeting. I never once hoped by so doing to +be the means of others' salvation; my sole thought +was self and selfish ambition. Instead of talking at +the Moody meeting, I took a drink of liquor, soon +got drunk, and so remained for days. When I came +out of the oblivion of that debauch, the agony experienced +was terrible. All the shames, all the +burning regrets, all the stinging compunctions of +conscience I had known on coming out of such debauches +before my conversion were almost as joy +compared with the misery which preyed upon my +heart then. I can not describe the hopeless feeling of +remorse which came over me. I lived and moved in +a night of misery and no star was in its sky. In the +course of a few days I recovered physically so far as +to be able to lecture. I prayed in secret, long and +often, for a return of that peace which comes from +God alone, but in vain. I was justly self-punished. +At the end of four or five weeks I fell again, and +this time my degradation was deeper than before. I +would at times console myself with the thought that +my suffering had reached the limit of endurance, and +at such times new and still keener agonies would rise +in my heart, like harpies, to tear me to atoms.</p> + +<p>It was at this time that I was committed to the +Hospital for the Insane at Indianapolis. The reader +is aware of what took place on my arrival at Indianapolis, +after leaving the hospital. I felt somehow +that it was my last spree. I kept it up until nature +could endure no more. I felt that my stomach was +burned up, and that my brain was scalded. I was +crucified from my head to the soles of my feet. I +began to feel sure that this time I would die, and, +when dead, go to the hell which seemed to be open to +receive me. July twenty-first I left Indianapolis, +and went to Fowler, Indiana, at which place, for five +days and nights, I suffered every mental and physical +pang that can afflict mortal man. Day and night I +prayed God to be merciful, but no relief came. The +dark hopelessness in which I lay I can not describe. +I felt that I was undeserving of God's pardon or +mercy. I had wronged myself, and my friends more +than myself; I had trampled upon the love of Christ; +I had loved myself amiss and lost myself. The +Christian people of Fowler prayed for me; they +called a prayer-meeting especially for me, to ask God +to have mercy on and save me. On Wednesday +night I went to the regular prayer-meeting, and, with +a breaking heart, begged, on bended knee, that God +would take compassion on me. The next day, July +twenty-sixth, was the most wretched day I ever passed +on earth. It seemed that whichsoever way I turned, +hell's fiercest fires lapped up around my feet. There +seemed no escape for me. Like that scorpion girt +with flames, flee in any direction I would, I found +the misery and suffering increasing. I resolved to +commit suicide, but when just in the act of taking +my life the Spirit of God restrained me. I met the +Rev. Frank Taylor, the pastor at Fowler. I told +him my hopeless condition. He cheered me in every +way possible. In the evening we took a walk, and it +was during this walk, while in the act of reaching my +hand down to my pocket to get a chew of tobacco, +that I felt a power hold back my hand, and, plainer +than any spoken words, this same power told me not +to touch it. I obeyed, withdrew my hand, and at +that instant the glory of God filled my heart, suffering +fled from me, and in its stead came sweet peace.</p> + +<p>I had been using enormous quantities of tobacco, +and the use of this narcotic increased, if it did not +aid in bringing on my appetite for liquor. I have +at times suffered keenly from suddenly renouncing +its use, but from the time God fully restored me I +have not tasted nor touched tobacco and whisky or +any other stimulants. Do not understand me as saying +that the appetite for them is dead, or that I have +had no hours of depression and struggle in which the +old Satan tempted me. I expect all my life to wage +a battle against him, and to know what sorrow is +and pain. But by the grace of God I will dare to +do right, and with his help I mean to be victorious +in every fight against sin. I will abase myself with +a trusting heart, and shrink from all self-esteem at +war with the true principles to which a follower of +Christ should cling. I will grind myself to dust if +by so doing I may have God's grace. I fully realize +that left to myself I am nothing. Jesus is not only +my Savior; he shall be my guide in all things. His +precious blood has redeemed me, and I am at rest in +the shadow of the Rifted Rock. Peace dwells within +me, and joy and praise to the Father of all mercies +fill my soul. To that Father Almighty be the praise. +I earnestly desire the prayers of all Christian men +and women. Every time you pray ask God to keep +and save me with a salvation which shall be everlasting.</p> + +<p class="center">THE END.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL *** + +***** This file should be named 13332-h.htm or 13332-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/3/3/13332/ + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Christopher Lund and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/13332.txt b/old/13332.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af95e1f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13332.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4589 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fifteen Years in Hell + +Author: Luther Benson + +Release Date: August 30, 2004 [EBook #13332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL *** + + + + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Christopher Lund and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL. + +AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. + +BY LUTHER BENSON, + +1885. + + + + +TABLE OF CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. + +Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow +and gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not +do--Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder." + +CHAPTER II. + +Birth, parentage and early education--Early childhood--Early events--Memory +of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy life--Breaking colts +for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much to do in the matter of +drink--The author to blame for his misspent life--Inheritances--The +excellences of my father and mother--The road to ruin not wilfully +trodden--The people's indifference to a great danger--My associates--What +became of them--The customs of twenty years ago--What might have been. + +CHAPTER III. + +The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and +silent breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves +and promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for +liquor--The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power +of appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement. + +CHAPTER IV. + +School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive +to Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting +a cigar--A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and +what befell us while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in +a crib--Getting awake--The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna +jug--Another debauch--The exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting +to college at Cincinnati--My companions--The destruction wrought +by alcohol--Dr. Johnson's declaration concerning the indulgence of +this vice--A warning--A dangerous fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord +Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous +idea--Temperance the best aid to thought. + +CHAPTER V. + +Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer +brawls--County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white +oxen--The "red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I found +myself in the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching under +difficulties--Quiet again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on a +spree"--What a spree means. + +CHAPTER VI. + +Law practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad +to worse--My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, +God!"--Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's +duty--Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol. + +CHAPTER VII. + +Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking +corn--My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious +journey--Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the +damned--Heavenly hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the +woods--At Mr. Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded +by devils--Fears and sorrows--No rest. + +CHAPTER VIII. + +Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy. + +CHAPTER IX. + +The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the +Ditch--Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A +long night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The +inevitable--Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred +miles from home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a +school--The lobbies of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open +school--A failure--Return home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two +months of uninterrupted drinking--Coatless, hatless, and, bootless--The +"Blue Goose"--The tremens--Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the +damned--Walking on crutches--Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn +my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold bath--The consequence--Teaching +school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of Daniel Baker and his wife--A +paying practice at law. + +CHAPTER X. + +The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by +legislation--Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The +Indianapolis police--The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The +coming head-light--A desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the +time"--A struggle in which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in +dew--Hiding from the officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable +sufferings--Advised to lecture--The time I began to lecture. + +CHAPTER XI. + +My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At +Rushville--Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the +stage and am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old +coat and stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make +a lecture tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude +of the press--The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind +criticism--Tattle mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to +commit suicide--Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask +the sheriff to lock me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of +'74--"Local option." + +CHAPTER XII. + +Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no man +should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the +Galt House--The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in +Cincinnati--The delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick +that turned to a serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to +Connersville, Indiana--My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and +torments--The horrid sights of a drunkard's madness. + +CHAPTER XIII. + +Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the +"Dare to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names. + +CHAPTER XIV. + +At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to hell--Conceive the +idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in +company with Gen. Macauley--Separate from him at Buffalo--I go on to New +York alone--Trading clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey +City--In the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In +court--"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At +the residence of Junius Brutus Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go +to Boston--Attend the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home once +more--Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow which whispered +"Go away!" + +CHAPTER XV. + +A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My friends +consult with the officers of the institution--I am discharged--Go to +Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings and horrible sufferings-- +Alcohol--The tyrant whom all should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is +anything gained by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It +leads to ruin and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at +present--The end. + + + + +PREFACE + + +The days of long prefaces are past. It is also too near the end of the +century to indulge in fulsome dedications. I shall, therefore, trouble the +reader with only a brief introduction to this imperfect history of an +imperfect life. The conditions under which I write necessarily make it +lacking in much that would ordinarily have added to its interest. I write +within the Indiana Asylum for the Insane; I have not the means of +information at hand which I should have to make the work what it should be, +and notes which I had taken from time to time, with a view of using them, +have unfortunately been lost. Much of my life is a complete blank to me, as +I have often, very often, alas! gone for days oblivious to every act and +thing, as dead to all about me as the stones of the pavement are dumb. Nor +can I connect a succession of incidents one after the other as they +occurred in the regular course of my life. The reader is asked to be +merciful in his judgment and pardon the imperfections which I fear abound +in the book. The title, "FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL," may, to some, seem +irreverent or profane, but let me assure any such that it is the mildest I +can find which conveys an idea of the facts. Expect nothing ornate or +romantic. The path along which you who walk with me will go is not a +flowery one. Its shadows are those of the cypress and yew; its skies are +curtained with funereal clouds; its beginning is a gloom and its end is a +mad house. But go with me, for you can suffer no harm, and a knowledge of +what you will see may lead you to warn others who are in danger of doing as +I have done. Unless help comes to me from on high, I feel that I am near +the end of my weary and sorrow-laden pilgrimage on earth. You who are in +the light, I speak to you from the shadow; you who suffer, I speak to you +from the depths; you who are dying, perhaps I may speak to you from the +world of the dead; in any case the words herein written are the truth. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +Early shadows--An unmerciful enemy--The miseries of the curse--Sorrow +and gloom--What alcohol robs man of--What it does--What it does not +do--Surrounding evils--Blighted homes--A Titan devil--The utterness of the +destroyer--A truthful narrative--"It stingeth like an adder." + + +Truth, said Lord Byron, is stranger than fiction. He was right, for so it +is. Another has declared that if any man should write a faithful history of +his own career, the work would be an interesting one. The question now +arises, does any man dare to be sufficiently candid to write such a work? +Is there no secret baseness he would hide?--no act which, proper to be +told, he would swerve from the truth to tell in his own favor? Undoubtedly, +many. Doubtless it is well that few have the resolution or inclination to +chronicle their faults and failings. How many, too, would shrink from +making a public display of their miserable experiences for fear of being +accused of glorying in their past shame, or of parading a pride that apes +humility. I pretend to no talent, but if a too true story of suffering may +interest, and at the same time alarm, I can promise matter enough, and +unembellished, too, for no embellishment is needed, as all my sketches are +from the life. The incidents will not be found to be consecutive, but set +down as certain scenes occur to my recollection--heedless of order, style, +or system. Each is a record of shame, suffering, destitution and disgrace. +I have all my life stood without and gazed longingly through gateways which +relentlessly barred me from the light and warmth and glory, which, though +never for me, was shining beyond. From the day that consciousness came to +me in this world I have been miserable. In early childhood I swam, as it +were, in a dark sea of sorrow whose sad waves forever beat over me with a +prophetic wail of desolations and storms to come. During the years of +boyhood, when others were thoughtless and full of joy, the sun's rays were +hidden from my sight and I groped hopelessly forward, praying in vain for +an end of misery. Out of such a boyhood there came--as what else could +come?--a manhood all imperfect, clothed with gloom, haunted by horror, and +familiar with undefinable terrors which have weighed upon my heart until I +have cried to myself that it would break--until I have almost prayed that +it would break and thereby free me from the bondage of my pitiless master, +Woe! To-day walled within a prison for madmen, looking from a window whose +grating is iron, the sole occupant of a room as blank as the leaf of +happiness is to me, I abandon every hope. On this side the silence which we +call death--that silence which inhabits the dismal grave, there is for me +only sorrow and agony keener than has ever before made gray and old before +its time the heart of man. Thirty years! and what are they?--what have they +been? Patience, and as best I can, I will unfold their record. Thirty +years! and I feel that the weight of a world's wretchedness has lain upon +me for thrice their number of terrible days! Every effort of my life has +been a failure. Surely and steadily the hand of misfortune has crushed me +until I have looked forward to my bier as a blessed bed of repose--rest +from weariness--forgetfulness of remorse--escape from misery. At the dawn +of life, ay, in its very beginning, there came to me a bitter, deadly, +unmerciful enemy, accompanied in those days by song and laughter--an enemy +that was swift in getting me in his power, and who, when I was once +securely his victim, turned all laughter into wailing, and all songs into +sobbing, and pressed to my bloated lips his poisonous chalice which I have +ever found full of the stinging adders of hell and death. Too well do I +know what it is to feel the burning and jagged links of the devil's chain +cutting through my quivering flesh to the shrinking bone--to feel my nerves +tremble with agony, and my brain burn as if bathed in liquids of fire--too +well, I say, do I know what these things are, for I have felt them +intensified again and again, ten thousand times. The infinite God alone +knows the deep abyss of my sorrow, and help, if help be possible, can come +from him alone. + +I shall not attempt in these pages any learned disquisition upon the nature +of alcohol--its hideous effects on the system--how it disarranges all the +functions of the body--how it impairs health--blots out memory, dethrones +reason, and destroys the very soul itself--how it gives to the whole body +an unnatural and unhealthy action, crucifying the flesh, blood, bones and +marrow--how it paints hell in the mind and torture on the heart, and +strangles hope with despair. + +Nor shall I discuss the terrible and overshadowing evils, financial and +social, inflicted by it on every class of society. Like the trail of the +serpent it is over all. Look where you will, turn where you may, you can +not be blind to its evils. It despoils manhood of all that makes manhood +desirable; it plucks hope from the breast of the weeping wife with a hand +of ice; it robs the orphan of his bread crumb, and says to the gates of +penitentiaries, "Open wide and often to the criminals who became my slaves +before they committed crime." The evils of which I speak are not unknown to +you, but have you considered them as things real? Have you fought them as +present and near dangers? You have heard the wild sounds of drunken revelry +mingling with the night winds; you have heard the shrieks and sobs, and +seen the streaming, sunken eyes of dying women; you have heard the +unprotected and unfriended orphans' cry echoed from a thousand blighted +homes and squalid tenements; you have seen the outcast family of the +inebriate wandering houseless upon the highways, or shivering on the +streets; you have shuddered at the sound of the maniac's scream upon the +burdened air; you have beheld the human form divine despoiled of every +humanizing attribute, transformed from an angel into a devil; you have seen +virtue crushed by vice; the bright eye lose its lustre, the lips their +power of articulation; you have seen what was clean become foul, what was +upright become crooked, what was high become low--man, first in the order +of created things, sunken to a level with brute beasts; and after all these +you have or may have said to yourself, "All this is the work of the +terrible demon, alcohol." + +I shall not attempt to paint any of the countless scenes of degradation, +and horror, and misery, which this demon has caused to be enacted. I shall +leave without comment the endless train of crimes and vices, the beggary +and devastation following the course of this foul Titan devil of ruin and +damnation. I shall only endeavor to give a plain, truthful history of one +who has felt every pang, every sorrow, every agony, every shame, every +remorse, that the demon of drunkenness can inflict. I have nothing to thank +this demon for, beyond a few fleeting--oh, how fleeting--hours of false +delight. He has wrought only woe and loss to me. Even now, as I sit here in +the stillness of desperation, afraid of I know not what, trembling with a +strange dread of some impending doom, gazing in fright backward along the +shores of the years whereon I see the wrecks of a thousand hopes, the +destruction of every noble aspiration, the ruin of every noble resolve, I +cry aloud against the utterness of the destroyer. My life has indeed been a +sad one; so sad, so lonely, that no language in my power of utterance can +give to the reader a full conception of its moonless darkness. Would that +the magic pen of a De Quincey were mine that my miseries might stand out +until strong-hearted men and true-hearted women would weep, and every young +man and maiden also would tremble and turn from everything intoxicating as +from the oblivion of eternal death. + +To many, certain events which I shall relate in this history may seem +incredible; some of the escapes may seem improbable; but again let me +assure you that there shall not be one word of exaggeration. The incidents +took place just as I shall state them. I have passed through not only all +that you will find recorded in these pages, but ten thousand times more. As +I lift the dark veil and look back through the black, unlighted past, I +shudder and hold my breath as scene after scene, each more appalling than +the one just before it, rises like the phantom line of Banquo's issue, +defining itself with pitiless distinctness upon my seared eyeballs, until +the last and most awful of all stands tall and black by my side, and +whispers, hisses, shrieks Madness in my ears. I bow my head and find a +moment's relief from the anguish of soul in the hot scalding tears which +stream down my fevered cheeks. O God of sure mercy, save other young men +from the dark and desolate tortures which gnaw at my heart, and press down +upon my weary soul! They are all, all, all the work of alcohol. Oh, how +true it is--how true few can understand until their lives are a burden of +distress and agony to them--that the cup which inebriates stingeth like an +adder. When you see it, turn from it as from a viper. Say to yourself as +you turn to fly, "It stingeth like an adder!" + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +Birth, parentage, and early education--Early childhood--Early +events--Memory of them vivid--Bitter desolation--An active but uneasy +life--Breaking colts for amusement--Amount of sleep--Temperament has much +to do in the matter of drink--The author to blame for his misspent +life--Inheritances--The excellences of my father and mother--The road to +ruin not wilfully trodden--The people's indifference to a great danger--My +associates--What became of them--The customs of twenty years ago--What +might have been. + + +As to my birth, parentage and education, I am the last but one of a family +of nine children, seven of whom were boys, and all of whom, excepting one +brother, are now living. Both brothers and sisters are, without an +exception, sober, industrious and honest. I was born in Rush county, +Indiana, on the 9th day of September, 1847. + +If there is one spot in all the black waste of desolation about which I +cling with fond memory it is in my early childhood, and there is no part of +my life that is so fresh and vivid as that embraced in those first early +years. I can remember distinctly events which transpired when I was but two +years old, while I have forgotten thousands of incidents which have +occurred within the past two years. While it is true that in early +childhood a dark shadow fell athwart my pathway, making everything sombre +and painful with an impression of desolation, yet was my condition happy in +comparison with the rayless and pitchy blackness which subsequently folded +its curtains close about my very being, seeming to make respiration +impossible at times and life a nightmare of mockery. Seeming, do I say? +Nay, it did, for nothing can be more real than our feelings, no matter how +falsely they may be created. The agony of a dream is as keen while it lasts +as any other--more so, because there is a helplessness about it which makes +it harder to resist. + +Many times, lying in my bed after a disgraceful debauch of days' or weeks' +duration, has my memory winged its way through the realms of darkness in +the mournful and lonesome past, back through years of horror and suffering +to the green and holy morning of life, as it at this moment seems to me, +and rested for an instant on some quiet hour in that dawn which broke +tempestuously, heralding the storms which would later gather and break +about me. At such times I could distinctly remember the names and features +of all the persons who dwelt in the vicinity of my father's house, although +many of them died long ago or passed away from the neighborhood. I could at +this time repeat word for word conversations which took place twenty-five +years ago. I do not so much attribute this to a retentive memory as to the +habit I have had of thinking, when my mind was in a condition to think, of +all that was a part of my early life. Again and again, as the years gather +up around me, and the valley of life deepens its shadows toward the tomb, +do I go back in memory to the days that were. Again and again do I awaken +to the beauty, the love, the faces and friends of those days. They are all +dear and sacred to me now, though I know they can come no more, and that +the hollow spaces of time between the Here and There--the Now and +Then--will reverberate forever with the echoes of many-voiced sorrows. +Could those who meet me look down into the depths of my ghastly and bitter +desolation, they would behold more appalling pictures of human agony than +ever mortal eye gazed upon since the opening of the day of time--since the +roses of Eden first bloomed and knew not the blight so soon to darken the +earthly paradise by the rivers of the east. But I wander from my subject. + +I lived and worked on my father's farm until I was eighteen years of age. +As I have already said, even when a child I found myself sad and much +depressed at times. I could not bear the society of my companions, and at +such times would wander away alone to meditate and brood over my misery. At +the very threshold of life I was dissatisfied and discontented with my +surroundings. I was ever anxious and uneasy, ever longing for some +undefinable, unnamable something--I knew not what, but, O God, I knew the +desolation of feeling which was then mine. The sorrow of the grave is +lighter than that. My life has always been an active one--restless, uneasy, +and full of action, I naturally wanted to be doing something or going +somewhere. From the time I was seven years old up to the time I was fifteen +there was not a calf or colt on the farm that was not thoroughly broken to +work or to be ridden. In this work or pastime of breaking in calves and +colts I received sundry kicks, wounds, and bruises quite often, and still +upon my person are some of the marks imprinted by untamed animals. I only +speak of these things that the reader may know the character of my +temperament, and thus be enabled to judge more correctly of it when +influenced and excited by stimulants which will arouse to rash actions the +dullest organizations. I was invariably the last one to go to bed when +night came, but not the last to rise, for I always bounded out of bed ahead +of the others; and in this connection I can assert with truth that for over +twenty years I have not averaged over five hours of sleep out of every +twenty-four during that time. I have never found in all nature one object +or occupation that gave me more than a swiftly passing gleam of contentment +or pleasure. That the reader may clearly comprehend my present condition +and impartially judge as to my culpability in certain of my acts, I desire +that he may know the circumstances and surroundings of my childhood, for I +do solemnly aver that my sorrows and miseries were not of my own planting +in those days. While I believe that some men will be drunkards in spite of +almost everything that can be done for their relief, others there are, no +matter how surrounded, who never will be drunkards, but solely because they +abstain from ever tasting the insidious poison. Temperament has much to do +with the matter of drink, and could it be known and properly guarded +against, I believe that a majority of those having the strongest +predisposition to drink, if steps were taken in time, could be saved from +its inevitable end, which is madness and death. I would here say to parents +that it is their solemn duty to study well the disposition and temperament +of their children from the hour of their birth. By proper training and +restraint, all wrong impulses might be corrected and the child saved from a +life of shameful misery, while they would themselves escape the sorrow +which would come to them because of the wrong-doing of the child. While no +person is particularly to blame for my misspent life, yet I can clearly see +to-day how its worse than wasted years might have been years of use and +honor. Its every step might have been planted with actions the memory of +which would have been a blessing instead of a remorse. + +I have no recollection of a time when I had not an appetite for liquor. My +parents and friends of course knew that if it was taken in excess it would +lead to destruction, but in our quiet neighborhood, where little was known +of its excesses, no one dreamed of the fearful curse which slumbered in it +for me to awake. Had they had the least dread, fear, or anticipation of it +they would have left nothing undone that being done might have saved me. My +appetite for it was born with me, and was as much a part of myself as the +air I breathed. There are three kinds of inheritances, some of money and +lands, some of superior or great talents, and others of misfortunes. For +myself this misfortune was my inheritance. It came not to me directly from +my father or mother, but from my mother's father, and seemed to lie waiting +for me for three or four generations, and the mistakes and passion of long +dead great grandparents reappeared in me, thus fulfilling, with terrible +truth, the words of the divine book. It has been gathering strength until +when it broke forth its force has become wide-sweeping, irresistible and +rushing--a consuming power, devouring and sweeping away whatever dares to +arrest its onward progress. Never, never, in those long gone and innocent +years of my childhood did my father or mother dream that I, their +much-loved child, would ever become a drunkard. If there is anything good, +manly, noble or true, that is a part of me, I am indebted to them for it. +They loved me, and I worshiped them. The consciousness that I have caused +them to suffer so much has been the keenest sorrow of my life. My mother +(blessed be the name!) is now in heaven. When she died the light went out +from my soul. A pang more poignant than any known before pierced me through +and through. My father is living still, and I verily believe there is not a +son on earth who more truly and devotedly honors and loves his father than +I mine. But I desire to show that I am not wholly responsible for my +present unhappy condition. It is natural for every man to wish to excuse, +or at least try to soften the lines of his mistakes with palliating +reasons, and this I think right so long as the truth is adhered to, and +injustice is not done any one. I hope no one will think that I have +willfully trod the road to ruin, or sunk myself so low when I have desired +the opposite with my whole heart. I was a victim of the fell spirit of +alcohol before I realized it. I was raised in a place where opportunities +to drink were numerous, as everybody in those days kept liquor, and to +drink was not the dangerous and disgraceful thing it's now considered to +be. For a radius often miles from our house more people kept whisky in +their cupboards or cellars than were without it. I never heard a temperance +lecturer until I was twenty years of age, and but seldom heard of one. The +people were asleep while a great danger was gathering in the land--a danger +which is now known and seen, and which is so vast in its magnitude that the +combined strength of all who love peace, order, sobriety and happiness, is +scarcely sufficient to meet it in victorious combat. + +What associates I had in those days were among men rather than boys, and +the men I went with drank. They gave whisky to me and I drank it, and +whether they gave it or not, I wanted it. Some of those who gave me drinks +are no longer among the living, but neither of them nor of the living would +I speak unkindly, nor call up in the memory of one who may read this book a +thought that might excite a pang; but I would ask any such just to go back +ten, fifteen, and twenty years, and tell me where, are some of the wealthy, +influential men of that time? In the silence of the winding-sheet! How many +of them have hastened to death through the agency of whisky? And how few +suspected that slowly but surely they were poisoning the wellsprings of +life? How many are bankrupts now that might yet be in possession of +unincumbered farms, the possessors of peaceful homes, but for that thief +accursed--Liquor! Look, too, at some of the sons of these men, and say what +you see, for you behold lives wrecked and wretched. Need I tell you what +has wrought all this ruin? Need I say that intemperance is at the bottom of +it? + +The country where I lived in youth and boyhood was equal, if not superior, +to any surrounding it. My father's neighbors were all kind-hearted, +generous people, and some of them--many of them, indeed--were good +Christians, and yet I repeat that twenty years ago there was not a place of +a mile in extent but presented the opportunity for drinking. In every +little town and village whisky was kept in public and private houses. There +was, and yet is, near my father's farm two very small but ancient towns, +containing each some twenty or thirty houses, and both of these places have +been cursed with saloons in which liquor has been sold for the last thirty +years. Both of these towns were favorite resorts with me, especially the +one called Raleigh. I have been drunk oftener and longer at a time in +Raleigh than in any one place in Indiana. I have written thus of my +birthplace and surroundings, that the reader may know the temptations that +encompassed me about, and not to speak against any place or people. The +country in my father's neighborhood is peopled at this time with noble men +and women--prosperous, noted for kindness, generosity, and unpretending +virtue. I think if I had been raised where liquor was unknown, and had been +taught in early childhood the ruin which follows drinking--if I had had +this impressed on my mind, I would have grown up a sober and happy man, +notwithstanding my inherited appetite. I would have been a sober man, +instead of traversing step by step the downward road of dissipation. I am +easily impressed, and in early life might have been taught such lessons as +would forever have turned my feet from the wrong and desolation in which +they have stumbled so often--in which they have walked so swiftly. Instead +of dwelling with shadows of realities the most terrible, and brooding in +the cell of a maniac, I might have now communed with the pure and noble of +earth. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of +liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A +horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--"Dead +drunk"--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own remorse--An unhappy and silent +breakfast--The anguish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves and +promises--No pleasure in drinking--The system's final craving for +liquor--The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power +of appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their +violation and man's atonement. + + +When I first started to school, log school houses were not yet things of +the past, and well do I remember the one which stood near the little stream +known as Hood's creek, and Sam Munger, from whom I first received +instruction. The next school I attended was in a log house near where +Ammon's mill now stands. I attended one or two summer terms at each of +these places. There is nothing remarkable connected with my early +school-days. They glided onward rapidly enough, but I saw and felt +differently, it seemed to me, from those around me; but this may be the +experience of others, only I think the melancholy, the fear, the +unhappiness which hung over me were not as marked in any one else. I +studied but little, because of my discontented and uneasy feeling, but I +kept up with my lessons, and have yet one or two prizes bestowed on me +twenty years ago for being at the head of my class the greater number of +times. + +I recollect with painful clearness the first drink of liquor that ever +passed my lips. It has been more than twenty-four years since then, but my +memory calls it up as if it were only yesterday, with all the circumstances +under which I took it. It was in the time of threshing wheat, and then, as +in harvesting, log-rolling, and everything that required the cooperation of +neighbors, whisky was always more or less used. I was little more than six +years of age. A bottle containing liquor was set in the shadow of some +sheaves of wheat which stood near a wagon, and taking it I crawled under +the wagon with a neighbor now living in Raleigh. We began drinking from +this bottle and did not stop until we were both pitiably drunk. The boy who +took that first drink with me has since had some experience with the +effects of alcohol, but at this time he is bravely fighting the good battle +of sobriety and may God always give him the victory. I never could taste +liquor without getting drunk. When one drop passed my lips I became wild +for another, and another, until my sole thought was how to get enough to +satisfy the unquenchable thirst. To-day if I were to dip the point of a +needle into whisky and then touch my tongue with that needle, I would be +unable to resist the burning desire to drink which that infinitesimal atom +would awaken. I would get drunk if hell burst up out of the earth around +me--yes, if I could look down into the flames and see men whose eye-brows +were burnt off, and whose every hair was a burning, blazing, coiling, +hissing snake from their having used the deadly liquid. And if each of +these countless fiery snakes had a tongue of forked fire and could be heard +to scream for miles, and I knew that another drop would cause them to lick +my quivering flesh, yet would I take it. O horror of horrors! I would +plunge into the flames forever and ever. After I once taste I am powerless +to resist. When I was ten years of age I went one Sunday with a neighbor +boy several years older than I, riding on horseback. The course we took was +a favorite one with me for it led toward Raleigh, just north of which place +I contrived to get a pint or more of the poison called whisky. The doctor +from whom I got it had, of course, no idea that I was going to drink it, +especially all of it, but drink it I did, getting so completely under its +horrible influence that when I arrived at home I fell senseless against the +door. My father and mother heard me fall and came out and took me into the +house, and just as soon as the heat of the fire began to affect me, I sank +into a dead stupor; all consciousness was gone; all feeling was destroyed; +all intelligence was obliterated. I lay upon my bed that night wholly +oblivious to everything, knowing not, indeed, that such a creature as +myself ever existed. The morning came at last, and with it I opened my +eyes. Describe who can the thoughts which rushed through my distracted +brain. For a little while I knew not where I was or what I had done. My +head was throbbing, aching, bursting. I glanced about me and on either side +of my bed my father and mother knelt in prayer! Then did I remember what +had befallen me, and so keen was my remorse that I thought I would surely +die, and, in fact, I wanted to die. O, much loved parents--father on earth +and mother in heaven--how often since then have I felt anew the shame of +that terrible hour--how often have I seen your sacred faces, wet with the +tears of that trial, come before me, looking imploringly heavenward as if +beseeching for me the mercy of the infinite God! + +That morning the family gathered about the breakfast table, but what a +shadow rested over all. A solemnity of silent sorrow was upon us. The peace +of yesterday had flown with my return home, and the dark misery of my soul +tinged with the shade of the grave's desolation the clouds which were +gathering in our sky. O, how often have I prayed that the time might be +given back, and that it might be in my power to resist the curse; but the +past is implacable as death, and I must bear the tortures that belong to +the memory of that most unhappy day. That day, and for many succeeding +ones, I read an anguish in the saintly face of my mother that I had never +seen there before. My father also bore about with him a look of deep +suffering which haunted me for years. For one day I suffered intensely both +mentally and physically, but being of a strong, vigorous, and healthy +constitution, I was almost completely restored by the following morning. Of +course I resolved and promised my father and mother that I would never +again taste liquor. For some time I faithfully kept my promise, and for +weeks the very thought of liquor was revolting to me. No one becomes a +drunkard in a day or week. Alcohol is a subtle poison, and it takes a long +time for it to so undermine man's system that he finds life almost +intolerable unless stimulated by the hell-broth which must surely destroy +him in the end, unless he closes his lips like a vise against it. But for +me, I never could drink, from my childhood, without coming under the +influence of the accursed poison. I never drank because I liked the taste +of liquor, but because I liked the first effects of it. I was never able to +tell good liquor or rather pure alcohol--for such a thing as good liquor +has never been made--from the worst, the meanest, manufactured from drugs. +The latter may be more speedy than pure alcohol, but either will destroy +with fatal certainty and rapidity. I drank, as I have said, for the +effects, and in the first years of my drinking my first emotions were +pleasurable. It sent the blood rushing to the brain, and induced a +succession of vivid and pleasing thoughts. But invariably the depression +that followed was in the same ratio down as the former was up, and after a +time I lost that first pleasant, unnatural feeling, and drank only to +satisfy an indescribable passion or craving. At first the wine glass may +sparkle and foam, but let it never be forgotten that within that sparkle +and foam is concealed the glittering eye of the uncoiled adder. It is the +sparkle of a serpent's skin, the foam of the froth of death. Here I must +confess that for the past five or six years I have not been able to attain +one moment's pleasure from drinking. Every glass that I have touched has +proven to be the Dead Sea's fruit of ashes to my lips. I drank wildly, +insanely, and became oblivious for days and weeks together to all which was +about me, and finally awoke to the horrors which I had sought to drown, but +now intensified a thousand fold. No man ever buried sorrow in drunkenness. +He can not bury it that way any more than Eugene Aram could bury the body +of his victim with the weeds of the morass. Whoever seeks solace in whisky +will curse the hour which saw him commit a mistake so fatal. Woe to him who +looks for comfort in the intoxicating glass. He will see instead the +ghastly face of murdered hope, the distorted vision of a wasted life, his +own bloated corpse. The habit of drink after a time becomes more than a +mere habit; the system comes to demand and crave liquor, it permeates and +affects every part of the body until every function refuses to perform its +part until it has been aroused to action by its accustomed stimulant. + +The most hopeless and wretched slave on earth is he who has bound himself +with the fetters of alcohol, and it is a sad and lamentable truth +that among thousands very few ever escape from the soul-destroying, +health-ruining bondage of an appetite for intoxicating drink. There is only +one here and there of all the hosts that are enchained and cursed who +succeeds in breaking the bonds which bind body, soul and spirit. So far as +the prospect of success is concerned in winning men from evil, I would say, +let me go to the brazen-faced and foul-mouthed blasphemer of the holy +Master's name; let me go to the forger, who for long years has been using +satanic cunning to defraud his fellow-men; let me go to the murderer, who +lies in the shadow of the gallows, with red hands dripping with the blood +of innocence; but send me not to the lost human shape whose spirit is on +fire, and whose flesh is steaming and burning with the flames of hell. And +why? Because his will is enthralled in the direst bondage conceivable--his +manhood is in the dust, and a demon sits in the chariot of his soul, +lashing the fiery steeds of passion to maniacal madness. No possible motive +or combination of motives can be urged upon him which will stand a moment +before the infernal clamorings of his appetite. Wife, children, home, +relatives, reputation, honor, and the hope and prospect of heaven itself, +all flee before this fell destroyer. The sufferings and agonies untold of +one human soul securely bound by the chains forged by rum are enough to +make angels weep and devils laugh. I have no desire to discourage those who +have this habit fastened on them. I would not say to them: You can not +break away from it. I would do all in my power to aid and strengthen every +such person in any attempt he might make to be free. There is escape, but +courage is required to make it, and greater courage than has ever been +exhibited on the field of battle, amid the thunders of cannon, the roar of +deadly conflict, the gleam of sabre and glitter of bayonet. But rather than +die the drunkard's death, and go to the drunkard's eternal doom, every +drunkard can afford to make this fight. It were better, ten thousand times, +that every such one should do as I have done--voluntarily go to an asylum +and be restrained until he so far recovers that he can of his own will +resist temptation. And there is another aid--a strength stronger than our +own--God! He will help every unfortunate one that goes to him in sincerity +and humbly implores the divine aid. + +I desire here to make a statement in justice to myself. There are three +laws, the human, the natural and the divine. You may violate a human law, +and the judge, if he sees fit, may pardon your offense. If you violate the +divine law, God has prepared a way of escape, and promises pardon on +conditions within the reach of all, but for a violation of that which I +call natural law, there is no forgiveness. The penalty for every such +violation must be, and is, fully paid every time, and while natural laws +are as much a part of God's creation as the divine, he would no more set +aside a penalty for a violation of one of nature's laws than he would blot +out a part of his written word. Yet there are recuperative powers and +forces in nature that are wonderful, and there is a spiritual strength that +helps us to bear, and overcome, and endure every affliction. I was made a +new creature in Christ Jesus at Jeffersonville, Indiana, on the 21st of +last January, and had I then gone to work to recuperate and restore by all +natural means, my broken body, I am most certain that I never again would +have tasted liquor; but instead of using the means God had placed about me, +in the supreme ecstacy which comes to a redeemed, a new-born soul, I went +to work ten times more laboriously than ever, and soon completely exhausted +my bodily strength. My system was drained of every particle of its power to +resist the slightest attack of any kind whatsoever, much less to make a +successful struggle against my great enemy, and so, physically and mentally +exhausted when I was assailed by the black, foul fiend of alcohol, I fell, +and fell a second time. I resolved, yea, took an oath the most solemn, that +rather than again be overtaken by a disaster so dire, I would have myself +entombed within an asylum for the insane. Here at last, I was placed, and +here I intend to remain until nature shall restore to my body sufficient +strength to resist, with God's help, the next and every attack of my enemy. +As God is my witness, I had rather remain within these walls and listen to +the cries of the worst maniac here, from day to day, until the last hour of +my life--yes, and die and be buried here in the pauper's graveyard, than +ever again go out and drink. And now as I close this chapter with a full +heart, I go down on my knees in supplication to God for strength and grace +to keep me from that which has wrecked all my life and made it a continued +round of sorrow and shame. I ask every one who reads this chapter, to pray +to God for me with all your heart and soul. Oh! men and women, pray for +wretched, miserable, sorrowing, suffering, lonely me. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive +to Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's +Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent medicines, +bitters especially--Boasting--More liquor--Difficulty in lighting +a cigar--A hound that got in bad company--Oysters at Falmouth, and +what befell us while waiting for them--Drunken slumber--A hound in +a crib--Getting awake--The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna +jug--Another debauch--The exhibition--The end of the school term--Starting +to college at Cincinnati--My companions--The destruction wrought by +alcohol--Dr. Johnson's declaration concerning the indulgence of this +vice--A warning--A dangerous fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord +Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr. Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous +idea--Temperance the best aid to thought. + + +At the age of sixteen I started to school at Fairview, then as now, an +insignificant but pretty village, some four miles from where my father +lived. William M. Thrasher, at this time Professor of Mathematics in the +Butler University, at Irvington, near Indianapolis, was the teacher in +charge of that school, and it is to him that I am under obligations for +about all the "book learning" that I possess. True, I went to college after +that, but I merely skimmed over the studies there assigned me. While at +school at Fairview I improved every opportunity to drink. A fatal instinct +guided me to the rum shop. It was during the first winter of my attendance +at the Fairview school that I was guilty of my first debauch. A young man +from Connersville came over to attend school, and I would remark in passing +that his father was chiefly interested in sending him to Fairview because +he thought that his boy would here be out of temptation. He arrived at noon +one day, and we were immediately made acquainted with each other, an +acquaintance which ripened into friendship on the spot. The roads were in +good condition for sleighing, and the next morning I proposed a ride. He +gladly accepted my invitation, and together we drove to Falmouth. At +Falmouth we each took a drink, and this fired us with a desire for more. We +drove to a house not far away where liquor was kept by the barrel, and +tried to get some, but failed--for we waited and waited to be invited in +vain--for no invitation was extended to us. Disappointed and half crazy for +whisky, we left the house and started on further in pursuit of the curse. +After driving about eight miles we halted at a place called Smelser's +Mills, where we were supplied with a bottle of Hostetter's Bitters, which +we drank without delay, and which was strong enough to make us reasonably +drunk, but which, nevertheless, did not come up to our ideas of what liquor +should be. My experience has been that about the worst and cheapest whisky +ever sold is that sold under the name of "bitters," and it costs more than +the best in the market. Excuse the word "best," but certain parts of +Dante's hell are good by comparison. I say to all and every one, shun every +drink that intoxicates, and shun nothing quicker than the patent medicines +which contain liquor, and while you are about it, shun patent medicines +which do not contain liquor. The chances are that they contain a deadlier +poison called opium. At any rate they seldom cure and often kill. + +After drinking our bottle of poisonous slop--that is, Hostetter's +Bitters--my friend and I began to boast, and each labored hard to impress +the other with his greatness. In order to make the proper impression, we +agreed that it was highly important that we should demonstrate the large +quantity we could drink and still be reasonably sober. I knew of a place a +few miles further on--a place called Hittle's--where I felt sure I could +get whisky without an immediate outlay of cash, a consideration of +importance since neither I nor my friend had a penny. We went to Hittle's, +and there I was successful in an attempt to get a quart of whisky, which we +at once proceeded to mix with the Hostetter article already burning up the +lining of our stomachs. The effect was not long in appearing, for in a +little while we were both very drunk, and I in particular was in the +condition best described as howling, crazy drunk. We stopped at a house to +light our cigars--for of course we both smoked and chewed tobacco--and as +my friend did not feel like getting out, I reeled into the kitchen and +picked up a shovelful of coals, which I lifted so near my mouth that I +scorched my hair and burnt my face, and, worse than all, singed the faint +suggestion of a mustache that was visible by the aid of a microscope, on my +upper lip. While I was engaged in lighting my cigar, a large dog--a tall, +lean, much-ribbed, lank and hungry-looking hound--went out to the sleigh, +and my friend induced him to accept passage with us; so when I got back to +my seat it was proposed that the hound should accompany us. I have often +wondered since if he was not heartily ashamed of being seen in our company +that day; but we made a martyr of him all the same. + +We drove off with a succession of whoops and yells, and carried the hound +in front. Our first halt was at Falmouth, where we ordered oysters. The +room in which we sat at table was quite small, and a large stove whose +sides were red with heat made it uncomfortably hot--especially for us who +were already in a sultry state. I had not sat at the table a minute when I +fell from my chair against the stove. My leg struck a hinge of the door, +and as my friend was too much overcome to realize my condition, I lay there +until the hinge burnt a hole through the leg of my pantaloons and then into +the flesh. I carry a scar to-day in memory of that time, and the scar is +about three inches long. The burn was over half an inch in depth. God only +knows what might have been the final result had not assistance soon come in +the person of the owner of the house. He called for help, and as soon as it +arrived we were placed in our sleigh, and by a kind of instinct drove to +Fairview. It was dark by the time we got into Fairview, but we contrived +to get our horse within the stable and that unfortunate hound into a +corn-crib, in which durance he howled so vigorously that the wild winds +which whistled and shrieked around the barn could not be heard for him. His +complaining lasted all night, and I do not think any one within a mile +of the crib slept that night, my friend and myself excepted. Ay, we +slept--slept as I have so often slept since--a slumber as deep and +oblivious as death--a drunken sleep, from which we awoke to suffer hell's +tortures so justly merited by our conduct. I awoke with a throbbing, aching +heart, but by slow degrees did I become conscious that I had been somewhere +in a sleigh and done something either very desperate or very foolish, or +both. At first my mind was so muddled, so beclouded with the fumes of +the infernal "bitters" and whisky that I thought I had burned a city. +While I was trying to solve the mystery of my course, I was aided by a +revelation so sudden that it startled me, for the owner of the hound came +galloping up and fiercely demanded to know where his dog was. He rated us +severely--accused us of stealing the animal, and threatened to prosecute us +then and there. I knew what we had done. In the meantime some one opened +the door of the crib and turned out the hound. He must have recognized the +voice of his master, for he joined the latter in his howling, and between +them they gave us good reason to wish that our ambition to keep that dog's +company had been in vain. The dog was more easily pacified than the man, +but finally on our offering to give him three plugs of tobacco to hush up +the affair, he became quiet and smoothed the ragged front of his anger. On +adding a cigar or two to the plugs, he brightened up and said we might have +the "darned houn'" any how, if we wanted him. But we had had enough of his +society and were willing to part from him without further expense. + +I don't think, seriously speaking, that I ever suffered more keenly from +the stings of remorse and fear than I did for one week after this debauch. +The remarkable part of it to me was our determination to take the dog. All +my life I have disliked dogs--dogs in general and hounds in particular. I +resolved never to drink again, and for some time kept the resolution. + +A few weeks following this "spree" there was an exhibition at the school +house, and several of the larger boys--myself among the number--assembled +themselves together, and, after a consultation, decided that, in order to +make the exhibition a success, there should be a limited amount of whisky +secured for our special use. We took up a collection, each contributing a +few cents, and two of the largest, tallest, and stoutest boys were +dispatched to Vienna, a small village three miles distant, to get it. A +vision of hounds passed before me, but the desire to get a drink drove them +yelping out of memory. The boys, on reaching Vienna, bargained for three +gallons of liquor, and brought it to our general headquarters. It was +wretched stuff--the vilest, meanest, rottenest poison that ever went under +the name of whisky. The boys who got it had carried it the three miles by +passing a stick through the handle of the jug. They got drunk on the way +back with it, and one of them fell into a branch, dragging the jug and the +other boy after him. Unfortunately the jug was not broken, and fortunately +the boys were not seriously hurt. It was a little after dark when they +stumbled across the meeting house yard to where we awaited them. The +following day we attacked the contents of the jug, and before midnight we +were all drunk--some rather moderately drunk, some very drunk, and some +dead drunk, as the phrase is. I myself was of the number that were dead +drunk. Some of the boys kept sober enough to fight, but I never would +fight, drunk or sober. I do not think I am a coward as regards personal +courage, and I really think the fear of hurting others restrained me from +ever mixing in brawls in those days. + +As the night wore away two or three of the boys became sober enough to hide +the jug, which they concealed in a corn-shock. These dragged the rest of us +to bed, although one of the party woke up in the wood-box with his head +downward and his feet dangling over the top of the box. Only those who have +been so unfortunate as to be in a similar condition can realize our state +of mental and physical feeling. Parched lips, scalded tongues, cracked +throats, throbbing temples, and burning shame were indisputably ours. So we +awoke on the morning of the day set apart for the exhibition, an exhibition +in which we were to appear before our respected teacher, friends and +relatives, besides all the people of the surrounding country. Early in the +day we commenced to get ready for the afternoon's work by resorting to the +same jug that so recently had bereft us temporarily of reason, and laid us +in the mud and snow. I only got one big drink of the poison and so +contrived to get through passably well with my part of the performance; +some of the boys got too much, and failed to remember anything, so that +they failed utterly and hid behind the curtains, and, taken all in all, we +did little or nothing toward the success of the exhibition or to making +those interested gratified with our parts. Some of the boys who figured on +the stage that day are dead; but others are alive and of those I am not the +only one writhing in the coils of the serpent of alcohol, though not one of +them has fallen so low as I. If at that time I might have been permitted to +lift the curtain and looked down future-ward through the unlighted years of +shame, and weariness, and suffering, I think the dreadful vision would have +stayed me forever in a career which has only grown darker and more +unendurable with every step. I kept on much in the same way, increasing in +length and frequency my ever recurring debauches, until the end of the +school term. + +I was well nigh twenty years of age, and from this place went to Cincinnati +to attend college. Here the opportunities to gratify my hereditary +appetite, made keen and sharp, and ever keener and sharper by indulgence, +were all about me. My companions were older and further advanced on the +road to ruin than I. My steps were more swift than ever before to tread the +path which leads surely to the everlasting bonfire. I could not fail to +notice while at college that the most brilliant and intellectual--those +whose future prospects were the most pleasing and bright--were the very +ones who most frequently drowned their hopes, and sapped their strength and +energy in alcoholic stimulants. O, vividly do I recall to mind examples of +heaven-bestowed genius, talent, health, and abilities, sacrificed on the +worse than bloody teocalli of this hideous and slimy devil, Intemperance! +How many master minds, instead of progressing sublimely through the broad, +deep, and august channels of thought, became impeded by the meshes and +clogs of intoxication, and were thus worse than prevented from exploring +the regions of immortal truth! How many dallied with the sirens of the wine +cup, until all power to grapple with great subjects was lost irrevocably! +How many are the instances in the world's history of great minds debased +and ruined by alcohol! Look back and around you at the lives of the +brightest literary geniuses and see how many are under the spell of this +Circe's baleful power! Think of the rich intelligences whose brightness has +prematurely faded and died away in the darkness of alcoholic night! What +hopes has alcohol destroyed! What resolves it has broken! What promises it +has blighted! Think of any or of all these things, and hasten to say with +Dr. Johnson that this vice of drink, if long indulged, will render +knowledge useless, wit ridiculous, and genius contemptible. Oh! how many +lost sons of earth, whose lamps of genius blazed only to light their +pathway to the tomb, might have achieved an inheritance of immortal fame +but for this vice, or disease as it may be. + +I write this with a hope that it may be a heeded warning to the +intellectual of earth, not less than the illiterate. The educated man is +more liable to suffer from strong stimulants than the man who is not +educated. Never was there a greater or more dangerous fallacy than that so +often urged, that the thinking functions are assisted by the use of +stimulating liquors or drugs. O, say some, Byron owed a great portion of +his inspiration to gin and water, and that was his Hippocrene. Nonsense! +His highest inspiration came from the beauty of the world and from God. +Lord Brougham, it has been declared, made his most brilliant speeches of +old port. Sheridan, it has been told, delivered some of his most sparkling +speeches when "half seas over." Eugene Sue found his genius in a bottle of +claret; Swinburne in absinthe, and so on. But who shall say what these +great, men lost and will lose in the end by this forcing process? Dr. W.B. +Carpenter, in referring to the supposed uses of alcohol in sustaining the +vital powers, says emphatically that the use of alcoholic stimulants is +dangerous and detrimental to the human mind, but admits that its use in +most persons is attended with a temporary excitation of mental activity, +lighting up the scintillations of genius into a brilliant flame, or +assisting in the prolongation of mental effort when the powers of the +nervous system would be otherwise exhausted. Concede this, and then answer +if it is not on such evidence that the common idea is based that alcohol is +a cause of inspiration, or that it supports the system to the endurance of +unusual mental labor. The idea is as erroneous as the no less prevalent +fallacy that alcoholic stimulants increase the power of physical exertion. +Physiologically the fact is established that the depression of the mental +energy consequent upon the undue excitement of alcoholic stimulants is no +less than the depression of the physical energy following its use. In +either case the added strength and exhilaration are of short duration, and +the depression and loss exceed the increased energy and the gain. The +influence of alcoholic stimulants seems to be chiefly exerted in exciting +to activity the creating and combining powers, such as give rise to the +high imaginations of the poet and the painter. It is not to be wondered at +that men possessing such splendid powers should have recourse to alcoholic +stimulants as a means of procuring often temporary exaltation of these +powers and of escaping from the seasons of depression to which they and +others of less high organizations are subject. Nor is it to be denied that +many of these mental productions which are most strongly marked by the +inspiration of genius, have been thrown off under the inspiration of the +stimulating influences of liquor. But it can not, on the other hand, be +doubted that the depression consequent upon the high degree of mental +excitement is, as already observed, as great as the first in its way--a +depression so great that it sometimes destroys temporarily the power of +effort. Hence it does not follow that the authors of the productions in +question have really been benefited by the use of these stimulants. + +It is the testimony of general experience that where men of genius have +habitually had recourse to alcoholic stimulants for the excitement of their +powers they have died at an early age, as if in consequence of the +premature exhaustion of their nervous energy. Mozart, Burns, Byron, Poe and +Chatterton may be cited as remarkable examples of this result. Hence, +although their light may have burned with a brighter glow, like a +combustible substance in an atmosphere of oxygen, the consumption of +material was more rapid, and though it may have shone with a more sober +lustre without such aid, we can not but believe that it would have been +steadier and less premature without it. We may also doubt that the finest +poems and the finest pictures have been written and painted even by those +in the habit of drinking while they were under the influence of liquor. We +do not usually find that the men most distinguished for a combination of +powers called talent or genius, are disposed to make such use of alcoholic +stimulants for the purpose of augmenting their mental powers, for that +spontaneous activity of mind itself which alcohol has a tendency to excite +is not favorable to the exercise of the observing faculties, which are so +important to the imagination, nor to those of reason, nor to steady +concentration on any given subject, where profound investigation or clear +sight is desirable. + +Of this we have an illustration in the habit of practical gamblers who, +when about to engage in contests requiring the keenest observation and the +most sagacious calculation, and involving an important stake, always keep +themselves cool either by total abstinence from fermented liquors, or by +the use of those of the weakest kind, in very small quantities. We find +that the greatest part of that intellectual labor which has most extended +the domain of thought and human knowledge has been performed by men of +sobriety, many of them having been drinkers of water only. Under this last +category may be ranked Demosthenes, Johnson, Haller, Bacon, Milton, Dante, +etc. Johnson, it is true, was a great tea drinker. Voltaire drank coffee at +times to excess, and occasionally a small quantity of light wine. So, also, +did Fontenelle. Newton solaced himself with the fumes of tobacco. Of Locke, +whose long life was devoted to constant intellectual labor, who appears +independently of his eminence in his special objects of pursuit one of the +best informed men of his time, the following explicit testimony is found by +one who knew him well: His diet was the same as that of other people, +except he usually drank nothing but water, and he thought that his +abstinence in this respect had preserved his life so long, although +naturally his constitution was so weak. In addition to these examples, +which I have quoted at length, I might also mention the case of Cornaro, +the old Italian philosopher, who at the age of thirty-five found himself on +a bed of misery and imminent death through intemperance. He amended his way +of life, and for upwards of four score years after, by a temperate course +of living, lived happily and did all the important work which has placed +his name among the men of great intellectual powers. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +Quit college--Shattered nerves--Summer and autumn days--Improvement--Picnic +parties--A fall--An untimely storm--Crawford's beer and ale--Beer +brawls--County fairs and their influence on my life--My yoke of white +oxen--The "red ribbon"--"One McPhillipps"--How I got home and how I +found myself in the morning--My mother's agony--A day of teaching +under difficulties--Quiet again--Law studies at Connersville--"Out on +a spree"--What a spree means. + + +I left college in the spring of 1866, and returned home to the farm where I +spent the summer and autumn months in a very nervous and discontented +manner. For over four months my mental condition bordered on that of a +maniac, so completely had the use of liquor shattered my nervous system. I +became alarmed at my state, and for a time was deterred from drinking, or, +if I drank at all, the quantity was small. But fresh air and the little +work which I did on the farm, soon restored me. As the summer wore away I +attended pleasure parties, and found, not happiness, but a moment's +forgetfulness among the merry picnic parties in the woods. I had also the +distinguished honor of actually superintending and presiding over two of +these festivities, both of which were held in Horace Elwell's woods, on the +unsung, but classically rustic banks of Tom. Hall's mill-dam, near the +village which bears the historic and great name of Raleigh. I succeeded in +tiding myself through the first picnic without getting drunk. I mean more +particularly that I remained sober during the day--that is, sober enough to +keep it from being known that I had drank more than once or twice; but that +night at the ball at Louisville, I bit the dust, or, to get at the truth +more literally and unrhetorically, I fell down stairs and came within a +point of breaking my neck. Had I been sober the fall would have put an end +then and there to my miserable and worthless existence; but lest any one +should argue from this that after all whisky sometimes saves life, I would +have them bear in mind that if I had been sober the chances are I would not +have fallen. + +The next picnic was sadly interfered with by a violent storm of wind and +rain, which came up the day before the one set apart for it. The water +washed the sawdust which had been sprinkled on the ground for the dancers' +benefit into Hall's fretful mill-race, and thence down into the turbulent +and swollen Flat Rock. This, as well as other creeks, became so high that +it was out of the question to ford them. The boys could get to the grounds +very well, and many of them did get there, but the girls were not of a +mind to risk their lives for a day's doubtful amusement, and so the +picnic failed in the beginning. The young men--myself, of course, in the +lot--determined to have what was called "fun" at any rate, and to this end +they congregated during the day at Raleigh. Mr. Sam Crawford had an +abundant supply of beer and ale, and I wish to say that if there are any +persons so innocent as to doubt that beer and ale intoxicate they would +change from doubt to faith in the power of these slops to make men drunk, +could they experience or see what took place at Raleigh on that day. They +would be willing to testify in any court that beer will not only +intoxicate, but, taken in sufficient quantities, it will make men beastly +drunk and fill them with a spirit of fiendish cruelty. There were on that +day as many as four fights, with enough miscellaneous howling, cursing and +billingsgate to fill out the natural make-up of a hundred more. I was +drunk--so drunk that I did not know at the last whether my name was Benson +or Bennington. I suppose I would have sworn to the latter, had the question +been raised, but it was not. I did not fight, for, as I have said, I seemed +to have an instinctive dread of doing something terrible in the event of my +getting engaged in combat with another. Like Falstaff, it may be, I was a +coward on instinct. I have always thought, moreover, that the Hudibrastic +aphorism is worthy of practice, because nothing can be more evident than +the fact that + + "----He who runs away + May live to fight another day." + +From that time to the commencement of the season for county fairs, five or +six weeks later, I kept in a condition of sobriety. County fairs, I wish to +say, and especially the Rush county fairs, did more toward bringing on the +disastrous career which has been mine--a career which has befouled the +record of my life and marked almost every page of its history--witness this +biography--with blots of shame, discord and unholy suffering than any other +cause of an external character. I was very young when I first commenced to +take stock to the fair to exhibit for premiums. I always went on the first +day, and always remained until the fair came to a close, staying on the +grounds night and day. There was a vagabond element in my nature which +harmonized perfectly with this sort of life. The men with whom I associated +were, in general, of that class who like liquor alone or in company, and +each had his jug of favorite whisky, which was supposed to be a sure +preventive against cold and colds in cold weather, and against heat and +fever in hot weather. If invited to drink the rule was to accept +immediately and return the courtesy as soon as convenient. + +In those days I was the proud possessor of a yoke of white oxen, and I made +it a point to exhibit them at every fair within my reach, for they +invariably won the Red Ribbon, then a mark of the first prize. Alas, that +it did not mean to me what it now does! It meant anything rather than total +abstinence; it was an unfailing sign of drunkenness; it told of shameful +revels, of days of debauchery and nights of misery when not passed in +beastly slumber. That ribbon is now a symbol of holy temperance--it was +then a souvenir of days of disorder and evil-doing. + +During the winter I was engaged to teach a district school, and for three +months managed to keep tolerably sober--that is, I did not get drunk more +than three or four times, and then on Saturday nights and Sundays. One +Sunday--it was the coldest day that winter--I went to Falmouth and visited +a drinking place kept by one McPhillipps. While there I drank eleven +glasses of whisky. At nine o'clock in the evening, I can indistinctly +remember, I mounted my horse and started home, and from that moment until +the next day I knew nothing whatever that took place. From the way I was +bruised and battered I judge that I must have struck almost every fence +corner between McPhillipps' place and home. My legs were in a woful plight, +and having turned black and blue, they were frightful to see. On arriving +at the gate which led into the front yard at home, I fell off my horse and +tumbled to the ground, a wretched heap of helpless clay. I remained on the +ground, lying in the snow, until I froze my hands, feet, and ears. It was +about three o'clock in the morning when I got to the house. So they told +me, for I have no knowledge of going, and, indeed, I remembered nothing +that took place. + +When I came to consciousness I found myself wrapped up in a blanket, lying +in bed, with hot bricks at my feet. I was in the room occupied by father +and mother, and the first object that met my wandering sight was the face +of my mother. The look with which she regarded me will never fade from my +memory. There was in it the sorrow and anguish of death. She rose from her +bed at sight of me, and with streaming eyes and screaming voice called the +family up to bid them good-by; she said she was dying--that I had killed +her. I sprang from my bed in such a horror of terrible suffering, mental +and physical, as never swept over the body and soul of mortal man. I felt +my heart thumping and beating as though it would burst forth from my bosom; +the hot, hissing blood rushed to my aching, fevered brain, and a torrent of +sweat burst forth on my icy forehead. I could not have suffered more +physical agony had a thousand swords been driven through my quivering body, +nor would my miserable soul have been in more insufferable pain had it been +confined in the regions of the damned. It was some time before anything +like quiet was restored, but as soon as it was, some of the family went to +the gate and found my hat and took charge of the horse which I had ridden. +That morning I dragged myself to school with a sad, heavy heart. As my +scholars came in, they seemed to understand that something was the matter +with me, and often during the day their wondering looks were directed +toward me as if they sought some explanation of my appearance. The day was +a long and weary one to me--a day, like many another since then, of most +intense wretchedness. About noon one of my feet became so swollen that it +was necessary for me to take off my boot, and by the time I dismissed +school it had got so bad that I could not draw on my boot, so that I had to +walk home, a distance of one mile, over the frozen ground with nothing to +protect my foot but a woolen sock. On entering the house, my mother burst +into tears at sight of me. I must have been a pitiable object, and yet how +little did I deserve the wealth of priceless sympathy lavished upon me. +That night, and many nights succeeding it, the only way I could get into +bed was to put an old-fashioned chair with rounds in the back, beside the +bed and crawl up round by round until I got on a level with the bed, and +then let go and fall over into the bed. + +It is needless for me to say that I firmly resolved and honestly felt that +I would never again taste the liquor which leads to madness, misery, and +death. For some time I kept my resolution; and would to God that I could +here conclude by saying that I never again allowed a drop of it to pass my +lips. But I am writing an autobiography, and I have told you that I would +not shrink from telling the truth. So it will happen that other and still +more desperate and disgraceful episodes of drunkenness will have to be +recorded. + +In the spring of 1867 I went to Connersville, and began the study of law +with the Hon. John S. Reid. Unfortunately, and I fear designedly, I made my +acquaintances among, and selected my companions from, the most dissolute, +idle, and intemperate class of young men in the town. Connersville then had +and still has among its citizens some very wealthy men, who suffered their +boys to grow up without much care, mostly in idleness. As might be expected +the indifference of the fathers, joined to the natural inclinations of the +sons, has proved the ruin of the latter. I now call to mind several of +those young men who are hopeless and complete wrecks. Idleness and +dissipation have done their terrible work in every case which I call to +mind. + +I read a little law, and drank a great deal of whisky, and as a natural +consequence the time then passing was for the most part worse than lost. Up +to this period the duration of my sprees was not longer than a day and +night. They now were not confined to one day, for when I went out on what +is called a "regular spree," it was liable to be two or three days, as it +has since been two or three weeks, before I got back. Got back! Where from? +The reader knows too well. + +Out on a spree! These are melancholy and heart-breaking words. Out on a +spree! Oh, how much of misery is implied! Out on a spree! Readers, every +one, I hope you will never have it said that you are out on a spree. To go +out on a spree is to throw away strength, without which the battle of life +can not be fought; it is to squander money which you may need badly for the +necessaries of life, which had better be thrown into the fire and burnt up +than spent in such a way; it is to quench the light of ambition, to crush +hope, entomb joy, lay waste the powers of the mind, neglect duty, desert +the family, and commit in the end suicide. Arson may have walked by your +side while out on a spree, red murder may have grinned, dagger in hand, +upon you, and death stalked within your shadow, ready in a thousand ways to +strike you down. Don't go out on sprees. Think of the pity of them, the +wrong, the disgrace, the remorse, the misery. Going on an occasional spree +only will not do. Some men will keep sober for weeks, and even months, but +a birthday, or a wedding, or a national holiday, or a fit of the blues, or +a streak of good luck, starts them off, and habit, like a smouldering +flame, breaks out, and for a time all is over. Such men scotch, but they do +not kill the cobra of intemperance, and soon or late the other result will +follow, the snake will kill them. The reptile is tenacious of life, and so +long as the life remains there is danger from the deadly venom of its +tooth. Those who have never formed the habit of drinking had better die at +once than live to form it. Those who have formed the habit should subdue it +and never enter into a compromise with it. The good effects of months of +abstinence may be swept away in an hour. Open the flood-gates of indulgence +never so little and the torrent will force its way through and drown every +worthy resolution. Its tide is next to resistless. Days of drunkenness +succeed, months of self-denial are lost, and deplorable results follow +everywhere. Wives are driven to desperation, mothers to despair, children +to want. Demoralization, starvation, damnation follow. Friends are +separated, homes are desolated, and souls are driven to hell itself, and +yet people will talk lightly, and even jokingly of the very thing which +leads to these terrible losses and sufferings--out on a spree. + +Debauches not only destroy all capacity for usefulness while they last, but +they demand the vital strength which has wisely been gathered in the system +for days of possible need, when sickness and natural infirmities will lay +hands on the mind or body. The debauch of to-day will borrow from to-morrow +or from next week, or month, or year, that which can not be restored. The +bloated face, the dull, glassy eye, the furtive glance of fear and shame, +the trembling gait, all speak of ravages produced by other causes than +those of time. Indeed, the flight of years can produce no such effects, for +inexorable and wearing as fleeting days and months are, their natural +results differ very widely from those which are caused by an abuse of the +powers of nature. Besides this, many men who are shattered wrecks are still +young in years, and the dew of youth but for dissipation might yet have +glistened on their foreheads. + +It was at this period that the appetite burst forth in a fearful flame +which scorched life itself, and burnt every energy of my being. It was fast +getting to be a consuming, craving, devouring passion, subjecting my very +soul to its dreadful tyranny. My spells increased in frequency, and their +duration was more and more prolonged. I would remain drunk from eight to +ten days, until I got so nervous that I could not sleep, and night after +night I would be counting the hours and longing for morning, which, when it +came with its blessed light, gradually revealing the pattern of the paper +on the walls, caused me to hide my face in the bedclothes and wish for +black and never-ending night to come and hide me from the world and my +misery. From such vigils, feverish and unrefreshed, it may easily be +supposed that I sought the open window in anguish, and bathed my aching, +throbbing forehead in the cool, pure air. At last my condition became so +deplorable that my friends sent my father word to come and take me home, +which he did. While at Connersville, in all my dark and desolate trials, +William Beck was my friend and helper. He never then forsook me, and he +never since has forsaken me, but still remains my faithful and sympathizing +friend--a friend whose valuation is beyond gold, and for whom I entertain +the deepest feelings of gratitude. I returned home with my father and +remained several months, keeping sober all the while. During most of the +time I applied myself vigorously to the study of the law, making rapid +progress. + +I believe I have as yet not stated that, in the intervals long or short +between my sprees, I abstained totally from the use of ardent spirits. I +never could and never did drink in moderation. One drink would always +kindle such a fire in my blood that it was out of my power to prevent its +spreading into a conflagration. I have very many times been accused of +"drinking on the sly," as they say, but every such accusation is false. I +have also been accused of using opium. I know the pitiable wretch that +started that lie--for it is a lie--and the poor dupe that repeated it. For +five years my appetite has been so fierce at times, that, I repeat, had I +touched the point of the finest needle in alcohol and placed it to my +tongue, I would have got drunk had I known that that drunk would have +plunged my soul into hell and eternal torments. O appetite, cold, cruel, +heartless, accursed, consuming, devouring appetite! No other malady like +thee ever afflicted man. Would that I could paint thee, in all thy accursed +hideousness, in letters of unfading fire, and write them in the vaulted +firmament to flame forth to all generations to come their eternal warning. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +Law Practice at Rushville--Bright prospects--The blight--From bad to +worse--My mother's death--My solemn promise to her--"Broken, oh, +God!"--Reflection--My remorse--The memory of my mother--A young man's +duty--Blessed are the pure in heart--The grave--Young man, murder not your +mother--Rum--A knife which is never red with blood, but which has severed +souls and stabbed thousands to death--The desolation and death which are in +alcohol. + + +My next move was to Rushville, where I opened an office and commenced +practicing law. For a time I kept sober, and was so successful in my +profession that from the very beginning I more than made my expenses. In +fact my prospects for a brilliant career as a lawyer seemed most +flattering. The predictions were many that an uncommon future lay before +me, but, alas, I could stand prosperity no better than adversity. My +appetite grew to such a craving for stimulants that it tortured me. It had +slumbered for weeks, as it has since, only to make itself manifest in the +end with the force of a hurricane. While it had appeared to sleep it was +gathering strength. At the time it dragged me down I was boarding with some +others at the house of an elderly widow. So completely was I transformed +from a man into something debased that I went to her house and fell through +the front door on the floor dead drunk. The landlady had me carried back to +my office, where I lay like a water-sodden log, wholly unconscious, until +the next morning. When I awoke I had no knowledge of anything that had +happened. My friends informed me of my fall at the house, and of their +bearing me back to the office. I upbraided myself bitterly, but it was days +before I had the courage to show my face on the streets, so keen were my +shame and sense of disgrace. Time softens the wildest remorse, and in a few +weeks I regained a state of quiet feeling. But unfortunately most of my +associates were among the class of young men who are never averse to taking +a drink, and it was not long before I found myself again visiting the +saloons, although I did not give up right away to take a drink with them. +But I got to staying in the saloons more than in my office, and began to go +down steadily. Good people who felt sorry for me, and who wanted to aid me, +would do nothing for me unless I would do something for myself, and this I +could not, or did not do. + +I moved from office to office, always descending in respectability, because +always violating my promises not to drink. Occasionally I would make a +desperate effort to reform, gathering about me every element of strength +which I could possibly command, and for a while I would be successful, but +just as hope would begin to light up my darkened path and my friends begin +to feel a new-born confidence in me, an infernal and terrible desire would +take possession of me, and in a moment all that I had gained would be swept +away by my yielding to the demon that tempted me. A debauch longer and more +utterly sickening and vile than the last followed, after which I would +settle down into a condition of hopelessness which would appal the bravest +and strongest. So deplorable, indeed, was my feeling regarding the matter +that then, as since, I kept on drinking for days after the appetite had +left me or had been satiated, in order to deaden the horrible agony that I +knew would crush me when my reason returned. + +I now come to an event in my life which affected me at the time beyond the +power of words, and which I can not without tears of choking sorrow even +now dwell upon. I refer to the death of my mother, which occurred during +the winter after my going to Rushville in 1867. She had been sick a long +time, and had suffered very intense pain, but for days before her death I +think she forgot her own physical torments in anxiety and solicitude about +me. I went home a few days before she died, and remained with her until the +last. She talked to me much and often, always begging and pleading with me +as only a dying mother can plead, to save myself from the life of a +drunkard. I promised her solemnly and honestly that I would never again +taste liquor. As I gazed upon her wasted face and read death in every +lineament, and heard the dread angel's approach in every breath of pain she +drew, and saw above all in her fast dimming eye that the horrors of her +approaching dissolution were almost unthought of in her care for me, I +resolved deep down in my heart never to taste liquor again, and kneeling by +her dying form, I called heaven to witness that no more, oh, never, never +more, would I go in the way of the drunkard, or touch, in any form, the +unpitying and soul-destroying curse. I looked on her face, which was +growing strangely calm and white. She was dead, and it came upon me that +she who had loved and suffered most for me, and without a reproach, was +never more to look upon me again or speak words of comfort and aid to my +ears, so often unheeding. At that moment, looking through scalding tears at +her holy face, and afterwards when I heard the grave clods falling with +their terrible sound upon her coffin lid, I swore that I would keep my +promise, no matter what the temptation to break it might be. She would not +be here to see my triumph, but I would conquer for her memory's sake, and +all would be well. I swore by earth, sea, and sky, never, never to break +the promise made to her in the moment of her dying. That promise I broke +within two months from the day it was solemnized by my mother's death. I +shudder still, remembering the agony of that fall. Broken, oh God!--the +promise has been broken, is what first entered my mind. Never before had I +suffered as I then suffered. + +My wild revel was protracted for days out of dread of the awful sorrow and +remorse that I knew must surely come on my getting sober. My mother +appeared to me in my troubled dreams, and talked to me as in life. Many +times in my slumber, and in my waking fancies did I see her pale, troubled +face, with her pitying eyes looking on me as from that bed of pain and +death, and at such times I reached out my hands toward her in mute pleading +for forgiveness, forgetting or not knowing that she was dead. But the +moment soon came when the truth was flashed through the blackness of night +upon me, and then my misery was more than I could bear. For years before +her death I had lain in my bed and listened to her moaning in her troubled +sleep, to the sighs which escaped from her heart and that of my father, and +I promised the God of my hoped-for salvation that if he would only let me +live I would no more give them pain. Cold, clammy sweat broke out over my +face, and my heart beat so low, and slow, and weak, that in very terror I +felt that my eyeballs were bursting from my head. Again and again I begged, +and plead, and prayed that God would spare me and let me live until I could +convince my father and mother that I never would drink again. But my +prayers were not answered. My mother went out from me in fear, and dread, +and doubt. My father lives, but for me he has little or no hope. If ever a +mortal longed and yearned for one thing more than another in this uncertain +existence, I long for a peaceful and quiet evening of life for my beloved +father. I implore the Father of all of us to give me grace and strength +enough to keep sober until my remaining parent is fully persuaded that I am +truly and beyond question saved from the curse which has driven me to an +asylum, and well nigh sent him, a broken-hearted man, to his grave. O for +a strength which will forever enable me to resist the hell-born and +hell-supported power of the fiend Alcohol! Could I do this and have my +father know it his dying hour would be full of sweet peace, and a joy so +shining that its light would drive afar off the shadows of his death agony. +In that knowledge death would be vanquished and heaven would stoop to earth +and cover his grave with glory. Oh, God! Grant me this one boon! Give me +this one request! In every step of my life I have disappointed him. In the +future let all other hopes, and joys, and aspirations die, if needs be, all +but this--this one--that I may never in any way touch liquor again. May +every man and woman who sees this allow their hearts to go out in an +earnest prayer that I may succeed in this one thing. It is now too late for +me to reach the bright promises of other years. It is now too late for me +to regain all that has been lost, but this I would do, and it will make me +feel at the last that I have not lived altogether to be a remorse and shame +to those who are bound to me by ties which can not be broken. God may +answer your prayers if not mine, so that from the throne of heavenly grace +may come the peace and rest for which my weary soul has sought so long in +vain. + +When I drank after my mother's death, many persons took occasion, on +learning of it, to censure me in unsparing terms. It was even said that I +did not love my mother in life, that I had no respect for her memory in +death, and that I was a heartless wretch. These persons had no knowledge of +the power of my appetite. They did not know that the passion for liquor, +once developed or firmly established, is stronger in its unholy energy than +the love of the heart--of my heart, at least--for mother, father, brother, +or sister. But let me beg that I may not be charged with indifference to my +mother's memory. She comes before me now; she who was a true wife, a +faithful friend, a loving and gentle mother, and I kneel to her and pray +her blessing and pardon--I would clasp her to my heart, but alas! when I +would touch her, the bitter memory comes that she is gone. But I would not +repine, for I know she is with her God. Her life was pure and blameless, +and her soul, on leaving its weary earthly tabernacle, passed to its +inheritance--a mansion incorruptible, and one that will not fade away. She +bore her cross without a murmer of complaint, and she has been crowned +where the spirit of the just are made perfect. Blessed are the pure in +heart, we read, and I know that I am not misquoting the spirit of the holy +book when I say for the same reason, blessed is my mother, for she was pure +of heart, and passed from tribulation to peace, from night to day, from +sorrow to joy, from weariness to rest--rest in the bosom of God. + +It may be that some young man will read these pages whose mother is still +among the living. I do not think that such a one will be without love for +his mother--a dear, compassionate, doating, gentle mother, who loved him +before he knew the name of love; who sang him to sleep in the years that +were, and awoke him with kisses on the bright mornings long ago; who bathed +his head with a soft hand when it throbbed with pain, and smiled when the +glow of health was on his cheek. She wept holy tears when he suffered, and +when he was delighted her heart beat with pleasure. It was she who taught +him that august prayer which is sacred in its simplicity to childhood. She +is aged now; her wealth of brown hair is white with age's winter, her step +is no longer quick, her eye has lost its lustre, and her hand is shaken +with the palsy of lost vigor. There are wrinkles in her brow and hollows in +the cheeks which were once so lovely that his father would have bartered a +kingdom for them. She is sitting by the side of the tomb waiting for the +mysterious summons which must soon come. Oh, young man, you for whom this +mother has suffered, you for whom she cherishes a love which is priceless +and deathless, you will not hasten her into eternity by an act, or word, or +look, will you? It would kill her to know that you had fallen under sin's +destroying stroke. Sometimes she goes to the portrait of your boyish face +and looks at it; at other times she takes down some worn and faded garment, +that you were wont to wear in those beautiful days of the past, and recalls +how you looked when you wore it; then she goes to the room where you used +to sleep and looks at the cradle in which she so often rocked you to sleep, +and, after all is seen, she returns to her chair--the old easy chair--and +waits to hear tidings of you. What would you have her know? + +What news of yourself can you send her? Think of it well. Will you put your +wayward foot on her tender and feeble heart? Is her breathing so easy that +you would impede it with a brutal stab? Oh, if you know no pity for +yourself, have some for her. You will not murder her, will you? Yes, you +reply, and the laughter of mocking devils floats up from the caves of +hell--"Yes! give me more rum!" Now, hear the truth: The time will come when +the grass will seem to wither from your feet, pain will stifle your breath, +remorse will gnaw your heart and fill all your days and nights with misery +unspeakable; your dreams will torture you in sleep, and your waking +thoughts will be torments; your path will lie in gloom, and your bed will +be a pillow of thorns. You will cry in vain for that departed mother. You +will beg heaven to give her back, but the grave will be silent. The grasses +are creeping over her tomb, and the white hands have crumbled upon her +faithful breast. But no, you will not kill her. You will not call for rum. +I have wronged you, thank God! You will be a man. You are a man. You will +lay this book down, and swear that you will never touch the accursed, +ruinous drink, and you will keep your oath. By sobriety and good habits you +will lengthen your mother's days in the land, and smooth her troubled brow, +and give strength to her failing limbs. + +Rum is a dreadful knife whose edge is never red with blood, but which yet +severs throats from ear to ear. It assassinates the peace of families, it +cuts away honor from the family name, it lets out the vital spark of life, +and is followed by inconsolable death. It pierces hearts, and enters the +bosom of trust, goring it with gashes which God alone can heal. Rum is a +robber who is deaf to hungry children's cries and famished wives' +pleadings. He is a fell destroyer from whom peace and comfort and content +fly. No one can afford to be his subject, and it is the duty of every one +to rise in arms against him. Let him be cursed everywhere. Let anathemas be +hurled against him by the young and old of both sexes. Death is an angel of +mercy sometimes--this destroyer never. Death may open the gates of heaven +to every victim, but this destroyer can unbar alone the gates of hell. He +takes away concord and love and joy, and in their stead leaves the horror +and misery of pandemonium! + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +Blank, black night--Afloat--From place to place--No rest--Struggles--Giving +way--One gallon of whisky in twenty-four hours--Plowing corn--Husking +corn--My object--All in vain--Old before my time--A wild, oblivious +journey--Delirium tremens--The horrors of hell--The pains of the +damned--Heavenly hosts--My release--New tortures--Insane wanderings--In the +woods--At Mr. Hinchman's--Frozen feet--Drive to town in a buggy surrounded +by devils--Fears and sorrows--No rest. + + +From this time until I tried to break the terrible chain that bound me by +lecturing on the miseries and evils of intemperance, my life was one long, +hopeless, blank, black night. More than one half of the time for five years +I was dead to everything but my own despairing, helpless, pitiable and +despicable condition. I was afloat without provision, sail, or compass, on +an ocean of darkness, and from one period of deeper gloom to another I +expected to go down in the sightless oblivion and so end my accursed +existence. I could see no prospect of a rift in the curtain of pitchy cloud +which hung over me. I was myself an ever-shifting, restless, uneasy +tempest. My unrest and nervous dread of some swift approaching doom too +awful to be conceived became so intense and real that I fled from place to +place. Not unfrequently I came to myself during these epochs of madness +and found that I was a hundred or more miles from home, without friends, +respectable or even sufficient clothing, or money--a bloated and beastly +wreck. I know not how I ever found my way back, or why I prolonged +my life under such circumstances; but it seems the instinct called +self-preservation was yet stronger than the ills which assailed me. Days +were like weeks to me, and weeks as months, and mouths as years, and in all +and through all I managed to crawl forward toward the grave which is still +out yonder in the future, finding no pleasure in myself and no delight in +anything beautiful and holy. As I lift the dread curtain and glance +tremblingly along the path which stretches through the funereal shadows of +the past, I feel that it was a thousand years ago when I was a child in my +mother's dear protecting arms. Sin may have moments of pleasure, but the +pleasure is but a hollow semblance in advance of seemingly never-ending +hours of remorse and suffering. + +More than once I made desperate efforts to escape from my humiliating +thraldom, and, as I was sober during the days of struggle, I sought and +found business, and thus managed to secure a little money, although most of +my clients were poor and anything but influential. I always did my best for +them, however, and seldom lost a case. But at the end of a few days a +strange, undefinable, uneasy feeling began to crawl over me and crept into +my heart; I became more and more restless, anxious and nervous. I was soon +too uneasy to sit still or lie down. Horrible sufferings, agonies untold, +woe unspeakable, deprived me of reason, and when I had the inclination I +had not the will to guide myself aright. Then all of a sudden, my fierce +and unrelenting appetite would sweep, vulture like, down upon me, and I +would feel myself on the point of giving way. After this I would rally +for a brief season, but only to sink into still deeper misery and +desperation. There were days without food, and nights without sleep, +but--God pity me!--not without liquor. I lived on the hellish liquid +alone, and such a life! The devils of the lower world could see nothing to +envy in it. It was worse than their own torture. The quantity of liquor +which I now required was enormous. I have drank, on the closing days of a +spree, one gallon of whisky within the duration of twenty-four hours, and +when I could not get whisky, I would drink alcohol, vinegar, camphor, +liniment, pepper-sauce--in short, anything that would have a tendency to +heat my stomach. I would have drank fire could I have done so knowing that +it would satisfy the thirst that was consuming me. I left untried no means +that would enable me to break away from my appetite. For two or three +summers after I began practicing law, I went into the country and engaged +myself to plow corn at seventy-five cents per day, in order to keep myself +as long as possible from the dangers of the town. In the autumn season, +after a debauch of weeks, I have hired out and shucked or husked corn in +order to get money with which to buy myself boots and winter clothing. I +occasionally taught school in the country, but not for money, for I have +made more at my profession, when in a condition to practice it, in a single +day than I got for teaching a whole month. My object was to free myself, to +break my manacles, to open the door of my prison cell and walk forth in the +upright posture of a man. Sadly I write, "in vain!" If I fled, the demon +outran me; if I broke a link, the demon moulded another; if I prayed, he +put the curse into my mouth. As I look back over my horror-haunted, broken, +misspent, and false existence, I realize how worthless I am, and I see that +my life is a failure. I am in my thirty-second year, and am prematurely +old, without the wisdom, or gray hairs, or goodness, or truth, or respect +which should accompany age. My heart is frosty but not my hair. + +I will now endeavor to recite some of the scenes through which I passed, +that the reader may form for himself an opinion regarding my sufferings. I +left Rushville on one of my periodical sprees (I do not remember the exact +time, but no matter about that, the fact is burning in my memory), and +after three or four weeks of blind, insane, drunken, unpremeditated +travel--heaven only knows where--I found myself again in Rushville, but +more dead than alive. I experienced a not unfamiliar but most strange +foreboding that some terrible calamity was impending. I was more nervous +than ever before, so much so in fact that I became alarmed seriously, and +called on Dr. Moffitt for medical advice. He diagnosed my case, and +informed me that my condition was dangerous, unnatural and wild. He gave me +some medicine and kindly advised me to go into his house and lie down, I +remained there two days and nights, and in spite of his able treatment and +constant care I grew worse. Do you know what is meant by delirium tremens, +reader? If not, I pray God you may never know more than you may learn from +these pages. I pray God that you may never experience in any form any of +the disease's horrors. It was this, the most terrible malady that ever +tortured man, that was laying its ghastly, livid, serpentine hands upon me. +All at once, and without further warning, my reason forsook me altogether, +and I started from Dr. Moffitt's house to go to my boarding place. The +sidewalks were to me one mass of living, moving, howling, and ferocious +animals. Bears, lions, tigers, wolves, jaguars, leopards, pumas--all wild +beasts of all climes--were frothing at the mouth around me and striving to +get to me. Recollect that while all this was hallucination, it was just as +real as if it had been an undeniable and awful reality. Above and all +around me I heard screams and threatening voices. At every step I fell over +or against some furious animal. When I finally reached the door leading to +my room and just as I was about to enter, a human corpse sprang into the +doorway. It had motion, but I knew that it was a tenant of that dark and +windowless abode, the grave. It opened full upon me its dull, glassy, +lustreless eyes; stark, cold, and hideous it stood before me. It lifted a +stiffened arm and struck me a blow in the face with its icy and almost +fleshless hand from which reptiles fell and writhed at my feet. I turned to +rush into another room, but the door was bolted. I then thought for a +second that I was dreaming, and I awoke and laughed a wild laugh, which +ended in a shriek, for I knew that I was awake. I turned again toward my +own door, and the form had vanished. I jumped into my room and tore off my +clothes, but as I threw aside my garments, each separate piece turned into +something miscreated and horrible, with fiendish and burning eyes, that +caused my own to start from their sockets. My room was filled with menacing +voices, and just then a mighty wind rushed past my window, and out of the +wind came cries, and lamentations, and curses, which took shapes unearthly, +and ranged about the bed on which I lay shuddering. Die! die! die! they +shrieked. I was commanded to hold my breath, and they threatened horrors +unimaginable if I did not obey. + +I now believed that my time had come to render up the life which had been +so much abused. I asked what would become of my soul when my body gave it +up, and they told me it would descend to the tortures of an everlasting +hell, and that once there, my present sufferings would be as bliss compared +with what was in store for me for an endless age. As my eyes wandered about +the room--I was afraid to close them--I saw that innumerable devils were +crowding into it. They were henceforth to be my companions, and if the +Prince of all of them ever allowed me to leave for a brief time the regions +of infernal woe, it would be in their company and on missions such as they +were now fulfilling. I called aloud for my mother, and a voice more +diabolical than any I had yet heard, hissed into my ears that she was +chained in hell, but immediately a million devils screamed, "Liar! she is +in heaven!" I refused then to hold my breath, and told them to kill me and +do their worst. In an instant the spirit of my mother, like a benediction, +rested beside me. As she begged for me I knew that it was her voice, +natural as in her life on earth. While she was yet imploring for me the +room became radiant, and I saw that it was full of angels. I felt a strange +joy. My sins were pardoned, and I was told that I should go forth and +preach and save souls. I was commanded to get out of bed, put on my +clothes, and go down stairs, where I would be told what to do. I obeyed, +and on opening the door that led to the street, a man came to me and he bid +me follow him. The spirits whispered to me that the man was Christ, and his +looks, acts and steps even were such as I had conceived were his when he +was once a meek and lowly sufferer on earth. I followed him about sixty +rods, when he told me to stop. I did so, and just then the heavens opened +with a great blaze of glory, and millions of angels came down. Such music +as then broke upon my senses I never heard before, and have never since +heard. The angels would approach near me and tell me they were going to +take me to heaven with them; then they would disappear for an instant and +devils gathered about me. I could hear music and see the heavenly hosts +returning. They came and went many times thus, and after they went away the +last time, I was again surrounded by fiends who inflicted every torture on +me. Christ commanded me to stand in that place, I thought, and there I +remained. It was very cold, and I froze my feet and hands. I then felt that +the devils were burning off my feet, and I shrieked for liquor. I looked +down and saw a bottle at my feet, but when I reached down to get it a lion +threw his claws over it, and warned me with a fierce growl not to touch it. +The snow melted, the season changed, and I was standing in mud and mire up +to my neck. Ropes were tied around me, and horses were hitched to them to +drag me from the deeps, but in trying to draw me out the ropes would snap +asunder and I was left imbedded in the clay. They could not move me, +because Christ had commanded me to stand there. A little while before the +break of day the Savior appeared and told me to go. I started to run, but +when I got alongside the old depot there burst from it the combined screams +of millions of incarnate devils. I can hear in fancy still the avalanche of +voices which rolled from those lost myriads. I ran into the first house to +which I came. Its saw at a glance what was the nature of my terrible +trouble, but he had no power to help me. I beheld the face of a black fiend +grinning on me through a window. In the center of his forehead was an +enormous and fiery eye, and about his sinister mouth the grin which I at +first saw became demoniacal. He called the fiends, and I heard them come as +a rushing tornado, and surround the house. Everything I attempted to do was +anticipated by them. If I thought of moving my hand I heard them say, +"Look! he is going to lift his hand." No matter what I did or thought of +doing, they cursed me. + +When daylight at last came--and oh, what an age of dying agony lay behind +it in the vast hollow darkness of the night!--the horrid objects +disappeared, but the voices remained and talked with me all day. You who +read, imagine yourselves alone in a room, or walking deserted streets, with +voices articulating words to you with as clear distinctness as words were +ever spoken to you. Many of the voices were those of friends and +acquaintances whom I knew to be in their graves, and yet they--their +voices--were conversing with, or talking to me, during the whole of that +long, long, terrible day. I was tortured with fears and a dread of +something infinitely horrible. I went to my office--the voices were there! +I stepped to the window, and on the street were men congregating in front +of the building. I could hear their voices, and they were all talking of +hanging me. I had committed an appalling crime, they said. I knew not where +to go or whither to fly. Now and then I could hear strains of music. The +dreaded night came on, and with it the fiends returned. In the excitement +of breaking from my office, I forgot to put on my overcoat. The moment I +got on the street the freezing wind drove me back, but hundreds of voices +gathered around me and threatened me with death if I entered the door +again. I went away followed by them, and wandered in a thin coat up and +down the streets, and through the woods all night. The wonder was that I +did not freeze to death. I could hear crowds of excited people at the court +house discussing me, I thought. When I started to go there, every door and +window of the building flew open and fiery devils darted out and cursed me +away. All the time I was dying for whisky, but the saloon keepers would not +give me a drop. They saw and understood what was the matter with me, and +refused to finish the work begun in their dens. I started at last in the +direction of home. Just outside of the town a man by my side showed me a +bottle of whisky. I was dying for it, and begged him for at least one +swallow. He opened the bottle and held it to my lips, and I saw that the +bottle was full of blood. Again and again did he deceive me. Exhausted at +last, I sank down in the snow and begged for death to come and end my life, +but instead, a company of citizens of Rushville, whom I knew, gathered +around me and a glass of whisky was handed to me. I saw that everyone +present held a similar glass in his hand, which, at a given word, was +raised to the mouth. I hastened to drink, but while they drained their +glasses, I could not get a drop from mine. I looked more closely at the +glass and discovered that there were two thicknesses to it, and that the +liquor was contained between them. I studied how I could break the glass +and not spill the whisky, and begged and plead with the men to have mercy +on me. I got out into the woods four or five miles from Rushville, and +wandered about in the snow, but all around and above me were the universal +and eternal voices threatening me. A thousand visions came and went; a +thousand tortures consumed me; a thousand hopes sustained me. + +I quit the woods pursued by winged and cloven-footed fiends, and ran to the +house of Andy Hinchman. He received and gave me shelter until morning, when +he carried me back home in his buggy. I had no more than got into his house +when it was surrounded by my tormentors. They raised the windows and +commenced throwing lassos at me, in order, as they said, to catch me and +drag me out that they might kill me. I sat up in my chair until daylight, +fighting them off with both hands. All these terrible torments were, I +repeat, realities, intensified over the ordinary realities of life a +hundred fold. I had wandered to and fro, as I have described, but the +people, the angels and the devils were alike the phantasmagoria of my +diseased mind. For one week after the night last mentioned, I had no use of +either arm. I had so frozen my feet that I could not put on my boots. Mr. +Hinchman kindly loaned me a pair that I succeeded, although with great +pain, in drawing on, for they were three sizes larger than I was in the +habit of wearing. The devils were still with me, but I had moments of +reason when I could banish them from my mind. On our way to town they rode +on top of the buggy and clung to the spokes of the wheels, and whirled over +and over with dizzy revolutions. How they fought, and cursed, and shrieked! +When I got to my room it was the same, and for days I was surrounded the +greater part of the time with demons as numberless as those seen in the +fancy of the mighty poet of a Lost Paradise marshaled under the infernal +ensign of Lucifer on the fiery and blazing plains of hell! For more than +one month after the madness left me I was afraid to sleep in a room alone, +and the least sound would fill me with fear. I ran when none pursued, and +hid when no one was in search of me. My sleep was fitful and full of +terrible dreams, and my days were days of unrest and anguish unspeakable. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +Wretchedness and degradation--Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost--The +prodigal's return to his father's house--Familiar scenes--The beauty of +nature--My lack of feeling--A wild horse--I ride him to Raleigh and get +drunk--A mixture of vile poison--My ride and fall--The broken stirrups--My +father's search--I get home once more--Depart the same day on the wild +horse--A week at Lewisville--Sick--Yearnings for sympathy. + + +My condition now grew worse from day to day. I descended step by step +to the lowest depths of wretchedness and degradation. Often my only +sleeping-place was the pavement, or a stairway, or a hall leading to some +office. I lost my clothes, pawning most of them to the rum-sellers, until I +was unfit to be seen, so few and dirty and ragged were the garments which I +could still call my own. In ten years I have lost, given away, and pawned +over fifty suits of clothes. Within the three years just past I have had +six overcoats that went the way of my reputation and peace of mind. + +I left Rushville at the time of which I am writing, but not until it was +out of my power to either buy or beg a drop of liquor--not until my +reputation was destroyed and everything else that a true man would +prize--and then, like the prodigal who had wallowed with swine, I returned +to my father's house--the home of my childhood, around which lay the scenes +which were imprinted on my mind with ineffaceable colors. But I had +destroyed the sense which should have made them comforting to me. I have no +doubt that nature is beautiful--that there are fine souls to whom she is a +glorious book, on whose divine pages they learn wisdom and find the highest +and most exalting charms. But I, alas, am dead to her subtle and sacred +influences. However, I might have been benefited by my stay at home, had it +been difficult for me to find that which my appetite still craved; but it +was not so. Falmouth and Raleigh and Lewisville were still within easy +reach, and not only at these, but at many other places could liquor be +procured, and I got it. The curse was on me. My condition became such that +it was unsafe to send me from home on any business. I can recall times when +I left horses hitched to the plow or wagon and went on a spree, forgetting +all about them, for weeks. I had left home firm in the resolve to not touch +a drop of liquor under any circumstances, and so thoroughly did I believe +that I would not, that I would have staked my soul on a wager that I would +keep sober. But the sight of a saloon, or of some person with whom I had +been on a drunk, or even an empty beer keg, would rouse my appetite to such +an extent that I gave up all thoughts of sobriety and wanted to get drunk. +I always allowed myself to be deceived with the idea that I would only get +on a moderate drunk this time, and then quit forever. But the first drink +was sure to be followed by a hundred or a thousand more. + +Once while in a state of beastly intoxication at Rushville, my father came +for me and took me home in a wagon, and for two weeks I scarcely stirred +outside of the house. But the house which should have been a paradise to me +was made a prison by reason of my desires for the hell-created liberty of +entering saloons and associating with men as reckless as myself. I became +morose, nervous, and uneasy. I took a horseback ride one morning and would +not admit to myself that I cared less for the ride than to feel that I +could go where I could get liquor. I did not want to drink, but like the +moth which returns by some fatal charm again and again to the flames which +eventually consume it, I could not resist the temptation to go where I +could lay my hands on the curse. There was on the farm, among the horses, +one that was unusually wild, which had hitherto thrown every person that +mounted it. The only way it could be managed at all was with a rough +curb-bitted bridle, and even then each rein had to be drawn hard. If there +was any one thing on which I prided myself at that time it was my +proficiency in riding horses. I determined on mastering this horse, and +early one morning I mounted his back. I got along without a great amount of +difficulty in keeping my seat until I got to Raleigh. Here I dismounted and +sat in the corner groceries for an hour or more, talking to acquaintances. +Finally, like the dog returning to his vomit, I crossed the street and went +into a saloon. Had the door opened into the vermilion lake of fire I would +have passed through it if I had been sure of getting a drink, so sudden and +uncontrollable was the appetite awakened. Only a few minutes before I had +with religious solemnity assured two young men who were keeping a dry goods +store there that I had quit drinking forever. To test me, I suppose, one of +them had said to me that he had some excellent old whisky, and wanted me to +try a little of it, and offered me the jug. I carried it to my mouth, and +took a swallow. It was a villainous compound of whisky, alcohol and drugs +of various kinds, which he sold in quart bottles under the name of some +sort of bitters which were warranted to cure every disease: and I will add +that I believe to this day that they would do what he said they would, for +I do not think any human being, bird, or beast, unless there is another +Quilp living, could drink two bottles of it in that number of days and not +be beyond the need of further attention than that required to prepare him +for burial. It was the sight of the jug and the taste of the poison slop +which it contained that aroused my appetite and scattered my resolves to +the tempest. Once in the saloon I drank without regard to consequences, and +without caring whether the horse I rode was as jaded and tame as Don +Quixote's ill-favored but famous steed, or as wild and unmanageable as the +steed to which the ill-starred Mazeppa was lashed. I did not stop to +consider that a clear head and steady hand were necessary to guide that +horse and protect my life, which would be endangered the moment I again +mounted my horse. Ordinarily I would have gone away and left the horse to +care for itself, but I remembered the character of the horse, and with a +drunken maniac's perversity of feeling I would not abandon it. I designed +getting only so drunk, and then I would show the folks what a young man +could really do. On leaving the saloon I returned to the jug, which +contained the mixture described, and which would have called up apparitions +on the blasted heath that would have not only startled the ambitious thane, +but frightened the witches themselves out of their senses. + +I took one full drink--what is called in the vernacular of the bar room a +"square" drink--from the jug, and that, uniting with the saloon slop, made +me a howling maniac. I have forgotten to mention that I got a quart of as +raw and mean whisky in the saloon as was ever sold for the sum which I gave +for it--fifty cents. It was about nine o'clock at night when I bethought me +of the horse which I had sworn to ride home that evening. I untied the +beast with some difficulty, and led him to a mounting block. I got on the +block, and, after putting my foot securely in the stirrup, fell into the +saddle, I was too drunk to think further, and so permitted the horse to +take whatever course suited it best. It took the road toward home, but not +as quietly as a butterfly would have started. He flew with furious speed, +onward through the night, bearing me as if I had only been a feather. I did +not, for I could not, attempt to control him. It was a race with death, and +the chances were in death's favor long before we reached the home stretch. +Possibly I might have ridden safely home had the road been a straight one, +but it was not, and, on making a short turn, I was thrown from the saddle, +but my feet were securely fastened in the stirrups, and so I was dragged +onward by the animal, which did not pause in its mad career, but rather +sped forward more wildly than ever. I was dragged thus over a quarter of a +mile, and would undoubtedly have been killed had not one and then the other +stirrup broken. I lay with my feet in the detached stirrups until near +morning, wholly unconscious and dead, I presume, to all appearances. It was +quite a while after I came to my senses before I could realize what had +happened, who, and what, and where I was, and then my knowledge was too +vague to enable me to determine anything definitely. I crawled to a house +which was near by, fortunately, and remained there during the morning. I +was badly, but not dangerously, injured. The skin was torn from one side of +my face, and three of my fingers were disjointed. I was bruised all over, +and cut slightly in several places. How I escaped death is a miracle, but +escape it I did. The horse went on home and was found early in the morning, +with the stirrup leathers dangling from the saddle. When the family saw the +horse they at once were of the opinion that I had been killed, and my +father took the road to Raleigh immediately, thinking to find my dead body +on the way. Fearing that they would discover the horse and be frightened +about me, I started home, and had not gone far when I met my father. As +soon as he saw me walking in the road, he burst into tears. I did not dare +look as he rode up to me, but continued walking, and he rode slowly past +me. I could hear his sobs, but was too much overcome with shame to speak. I +walked on toward home as fast as I could, and my heart-broken but happy +father followed slowly in my rear. When I got within sight of the house my +sister saw me and ran to meet me, crying: "Oh, we thought you were killed +this time--I was sure you were killed. It is so dreadful to think of!" etc. +She was crying and laughing in a breath. My feelings were such as words can +not describe. I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up. I suffered a +thousand deaths. This is only one of a hundred similar debauches, each more +deplorable and humiliating in its consequences than the last. + +At times, as the waters of the awful sea called the Past dash over me, I +almost die of strangulation. I pant and gasp for breath, and shudder and +tremble in my terror. My spree on this occasion was not yet over; my +appetite was burning and raging, and notwithstanding my almost miraculous +escape from a drunken death, I watched my opportunity, like a man bent on +self-destruction, and again mounted the same horse and started for Raleigh. +But my father had preceded me, and given orders at the saloon and elsewhere +that I should not be allowed more liquor. I was determined to satisfy my +appetite, and with this purpose subjugating every other, I went on to +Lewisville, where I remained for more than a week, drinking day and night. +Finally one of my brothers, hearing of my whereabouts, came after me and +took me home. I was so completely exhausted the moment that the liquor +began to die out that I had to go to bed, and there I remained for some +time. After such debauches the physical suffering is intense and great; but +it is little in comparison with the tortures of the mind. After such a +spree as the one just mentioned, it has generally been out of my power to +sleep for a week or longer after getting sober. I have tossed for hours and +nights upon a bed of remorse, and had hell with all its flames burning in +my heart and brain. Often have I prayed for death, and as often, when I +thought the final hour had come, have I shrunk back from the mysterious +shadow in which flesh has no more motion. Often have I felt that I would +lose my reason forever, but after a period of madness, nature would be +merciful and restore me my lost senses. Often have I pressed my hands +tightly over my mouth, fearing that I would scream, and as often would a +low groan sound in my blistered throat, the pent up echo of a long maniacal +wail. Often have I contemplated suicide, but as often has some benign power +held back my desperate hand; once, indeed, I tried to force the gates of +death by an attempt to take my own life, but, heaven be forever praised! I +did not succeed, for the knife refused to cut as deep as I would have had +it. I thought I would be justifiable in throwing off by any means such a +load of horror and pain as I was weighed down with. Who would not escape +from misery if he could? I argued. If the grave, self-sought, would hide +every error, blot out every pang, and shield from every storm, why not seek +it? + +They have in certain lands of the tropics a game which the people are said +to watch with absorbing interest. It is this: A scorpion is caught. With +cruel eagerness the boys and girls of the street assemble and place the +reptile on a board, surrounded with a rim of tow saturated with some +inflammable spirit. This ignited, the torture of the scorpion begins. +Maddened by the heat, the detested thing approaches the fiery barrier and +attempts to find some passage of escape, but vain the endeavor! It retreats +toward the center of the ring, and as the heat increases and it begins to +writhe under it, the children cry out with pleasure--a cry in which, I +fancy, there is a cadence of the sound which sends a thrill of delight +through hell--the sound of exultation which rises from the tongues of +bigots when the martyr's soul mounts upward from the flames in which his +body is consumed. Again the scorpion attempts to escape, and again it is +turned back by that impassable barrier of fire. The shouts of the children +deepen. At last, finding that there is no way by which to fly, the hated +thing retreats to the center of its flaming prison and stings itself to +death. Then it is that the exultation of the crowd of cruel tormentors is +most loudly expressed. But do not infer from what I have said that I look +with favor on suicide under any circumstances. That I do not do, but I +would have you look at society and some of its victims. + +See what barriers of flame are often thrown around poor, despairing, +miserable men! Listen to that indifference and condemnation, and this wail +of agony! Can you wonder that the outcast abandons hope and plunges the +knife into his heart? He is driven to madness, and feeling that all is +lost, he commits an act which does indeed lose everything for him, for it +bars the gates of heaven against him. Before he had nothing on earth; now +he has nothing in paradise. Alas for those who triumph over the fall of a +fellow creature. God have mercy on those who exult over the wretchedness of +a victim of alcohol! Woe to those who ridicule his efforts to escape, and +who mock him when he fails. Do they not help to shape for him the dagger of +self-destruction? What ingredients of poison do they not mix with the fatal +drink which deprives him of breath? With what threads do they strengthen +the rope with which he hangs himself! Where should the most blame rest, +where does it most rest in the eyes of God--with society which drives him +forth a depraved and friendless creature? or with himself no longer +accountable for his acts? O the agony of feeling that on the whole face of +the earth there is not a face that will look upon you in kindness, nor a +heart that will throb with compassion at sight of your misery! I know what +this agony is, for in my darkest hours I have looked for pity and strained +my ears to catch the tones of a kindly voice in vain. But let me hasten to +say, lest I be misunderstood, that since I commenced to lecture, I have had +the support and active help of thousands of the very best men and women in +the land. I doubt that there was ever a man in calamity trying to escape +from terrors worse than those of death who had more aid than has been +extended to me. Could prayers and tears lift one out of misfortune and +wretchedness I would long ago have stood above all the tribulations of my +life. I desire to have every man and woman that has bestowed kindness on +me, if only a word or look, know that I remember such kindness, and that I +long to prove that it was not thrown away. Every day there rises before me +numberless faces I have met from time to time, each beautiful with the +love, sympathy, and pity which elevates the human into the divine. There +are others, I regret to say, that pass before me with dark looks and +scowls. I know them well, for they have sought to discourage and drag me +down. Their tongues have been quick to condemn and free to vilify me. I +seek no revenge on them. I forgive as wholly and freely as I hope to be +forgiven. May God soften their tiger hearts and melt their hyena souls. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +The ever-recurring spell--Writing in the sand--Hartford City--In the +ditch--Extricated--Fairly started--A telegram--My brother's death--Sober--A +long night--Ride home--Palpitation of the heart--Bluffton--The +inevitable--Delirium again--No friends, money, nor clothes--One hundred +miles from home--I take a walk--Clinton county--Engage to teach a +school--The lobbies of hell--Arrested--Flight to the country--Open +school--A failure--Return home--The beginning of a terrible experience--Two +months of uninterrupted drinking--Coatless, hatless, and bootless--The +"Blue Goose"--The tremens--Inflammatory rheumatism--The torments of the +damned--Walking on crutches--Drive to Rushville--Another drunk--Pawn +my clothes--At Indianapolis--A cold bath--The consequence--Teaching +school--Satisfaction given--The kindness of Daniel Baker and his wife--A +paying practice at law. + + +I was at all times unhappy, and hence I was always restless and +discontented. I was continually striving for something that would at least +give me contentment, but before I could establish myself in any thing the +ever-recurring spell would seize me, and whatever confidence I had +succeeded in gaining was swept away. I wrote in sand, and the incoming tide +with a single dash annihilated the characters. During one of my uneasy +wanderings I went to Hartford City, Indiana. Hartford "City," like all +other cities In the land, has a full supply of saloons. With a view of +advertising myself I had my friends announce on the second day after my +arrival that I would deliver a political speech. This speech was listened +to by an immense crowd, and heartily praised by the party whose principles +I advocated. I was puffed up with the enthusiasm of the people, and +repaired with some of the local leaders to a saloon to take a drink in +honor of the occasion. The drink taken by me as usual wrought havoc. I +wanted more, as I always do when I take one drink, and I got more. I got +more than enough, too, as I always do. On the way home with a gentleman +whom I knew, I fell into a ditch, but was extricated with difficulty, and +finally carried to the house of a friend. My clothes were wet and covered +with mud. After sleeping awhile I got up and stole from the house very much +as a thief would have sneaked away. I was fairly started on another spree, +and for three weeks I drank heavily and constantly. Sometime during the +third week of my debauch I received a telegram stating that my brother was +dead. The suddenness and terrible nature of the news caused me to become +sober at once. It was just at twilight when I received the telegram, and +there was no train until nine o'clock the next morning. That night seemed +like an age to me. I never closed my eyes in sleep, but lay in my bed weak +and terror-stricken, waiting for the morning. It came at last, for the +longest night will end in day. I got on the train and sat down by a window. +I was so weak and nervous that I could not hold a cup in my hand. But I +wanted no more liquor. The terrible news of the previous day had frightened +away all desire for drink. I had not ridden far when I was seized with +palpitation of the heart. The sudden cessation from all stimulants had left +my system in a condition to resist nothing, and when my heart lost its +regular action, the chances were that I could not survive. All day I drew +my breath with painful difficulty, and thought that each respiration would +be the last. I raised the car window and put out my head so that the +rushing air would strike my face, and this revived me. When I got home my +brother was buried. I had left him a few days before in good health and +proud in his strength. I returned to find him hidden forever from my sight +by the remorseless grave. What I felt and suffered no one knew, nor can +ever know. Every night for weeks I could see my brother in life, but the +cold reality of death came back to me with the light of day. I was stunned +and almost crazed by the blow, and yet there were not wanting persons who, +incapable of a deep pang of sorrow, said that I did not care. Could they +have been made to suffer for one night the agony which I endured for weeks +they would learn to feel for the miseries of others, and at the same time +have a knowledge of what sufferings the human heart is capable. + +My next move was to Bluffton, Wells county, Indiana, where I arranged to go +into the practice of the law. But here at Bluffton, as elsewhere, were the +devil's recruiting offices--the saloons--and the first night after I +reached the town I got drunk. I remained in Bluffton until I got over the +debauch, which embraced a siege of the delirium tremens more horrible than +that already described. When I came to myself, I determined that I would go +home. I was without money; I had no friends in Bluffton, and but few +clothes to my back, and it was over one hundred miles to my father's, but I +started on foot and walked the whole way. I stayed quietly at home a few +days, and then went to Howard and Clinton counties on business, which was +to make some collections on notes for other parties. While in Clinton +county I engaged to teach a district school, and in order to begin at the +time specified by the trustees, I returned home to get ready. I started to +return to Clinton county on Friday, so as to be there to open school on the +following Monday. I got off the train at Indianapolis, and went into one of +the numerous lobbies of hell near the depot. It was a week from that +evening before I was sober enough to realize where I was, who I was, where +I had come from, and whither I had started. I could hardly believe it +possible that I had fallen again, but there was no doubt of the fact. I had +been arrested and had pawned my trunk to get money to pay my fine. To this +day I don't know why I was arrested, but for being drunk, I suppose. I fled +from the city, and walked thirty miles into the country, where I borrowed +enough money of a friend to redeem my trunk. I then started for my school. +Notwithstanding I was one week behind, the trustees were still expecting +me, and on Monday morning, one week later than the time appointed at first, +I opened school. But I was so worn out and confused in my faculties that at +noon I was forced to dismiss the school. I hurried from the house to a +small village in the neighborhood and there I got more liquor. The next +morning I left for home. Such a condition of affairs was lamentable and +damnable, but I was powerless to make it better. I have often wondered what +the people of that neighborhood thought when they found that I had taken a +cargo of whisky and disappeared as mysteriously as I came. If the young +idea shot forth at all during that season among the children of that +district it was directed by other hands than mine. I never sent in a bill +for the sixty-two and a half cents due me for that half day's work. If the +good people of Clinton will consent to call the matter even, I will here +and now relinquish every possible claim, right, or title to the aforesaid +amount. They have probably long since forgotten the school which was not +taught, and the pedagogue who did not teach. I arrived at home in course of +time, and remained there a few days. + +It was not long until my restless disposition drove me forth in search of +some new adventure, and now comes the brief and imperfect recital of the +most terrible experiences of my life. On the first of July I began to +drink, and it was not until the first of September that I quit. During this +time I went to Cincinnati twice, once to Kentucky, and twice to Lafayette. +I traveled nearly all the time, and much of the time I was in an +unconscious state. I started from home with two suits of clothes which I +pawned for whisky after my money was all gone. I arrived at Knightstown one +day without coat, vest or hat. I was also barefooted. A friend supplied me +with these necessary articles, and as soon as I put them on I went to a +saloon kept by Peter Stoff, and there I staid four days without venturing +out on the street. As soon as I was able, I took up my journey homeward. +When I got to Raleigh I was so completely worn out that I dropped down in a +shoe shop and saloon, both of which were in the same compartment of a +building. That night I took the tremens. The next day my father came after +me in a spring wagon, and hauled me home. For the most part, during the two +months of which I speak, I had slept out doors, without even a dog for +company, and I contracted slight cold and fever, which terminated in an +attack of inflammatory rheumatism in my left knee. The rheumatism came on +in an instant, and without any previous warning. The first intimation I had +of it was a keen pain, such as I imagine would follow a knife if thrust +through the centre of the knee. When the doctor reached the house my knee +had swollen enormously. I was burning up with a violent fever, and was wild +with delirium. He at once blistered a hole in each side of my knee, and +applied sedatives. My suffering was literally that of the damned. I lay +upon my back for days and nights on a small lounge, without sleeping a +wink, so great was my suffering. For forty-eight hours my eyes were rolled +upward and backward in my head in a set and terrible rigidity. In my +delirium, I thought my room was overran by rats. I tried to fight them off +as they came toward me, but when I thought they were gone I could detect +them stealing under my lounge, and presently they would be gnawing at my +knee, and every time one of them touched me, a thrill of unearthly horror +shot through me. They tore off pieces of my flesh, and I could see these +pieces fall from their bloody jaws. No pen could describe my sickening and +revolting sensations of horror and agony. For sixty days did I lie upon my +back on that couch, unable to turn on either side, or move in any way, +without suffering a thousand deaths. I experienced as much pain as ever was +felt by any mortal being, and it is still a wonder to me how I survived. I +was, on more than one occasion, believed to be dead by my friends, and they +wrapped me in the winding sheet. Even then I was conscious of what they +were doing, and yet I was unable to move a muscle, or speak, or groan. A +horrible fear came over me that they would bury me alive. I seemed to die +at the thought, but, had mountains been heaped upon me, it would have been +as easy for me to show that I was not dead. But I would gradually regain +the power of articulation, and then again would hope rise in the hearts of +those who were watching. At last, but slowly, I recovered sufficiently to +be able to leave my room. I procured a pair of crutches, and by their aid I +could go about the house. Next I went out riding in a buggy, and after a +time got so that I could walk without difficulty, though not without my +crutches, for I did not yet dare to bear weight on my afflicted knee. + +One day I went to Rushville, and--O, curse of curses!--gave way to my +appetite. The moment the whisky began to affect me, I forgot that I had +crutches, and set my lame leg down with my whole weight upon it. The sudden +and agonizing pain caused me to give a scream, and yet I repeated the step +a number of times. But the insufferable pain caused me to return home. + +It was now winter. The Legislature was in session at Indianapolis, and I +was promised a position, and, with this end in view, packed my trunk and +bid good-by to the folks at home. At Shelbyville, at which place I had a +little business to attend to, I took a drink. Just how and why I took it +has been already told, for the same cause always influenced me. The same +result followed, and at Indianapolis I kept up the debauch until I had +traded a suit of clothes worth sixty dollars for one worth, at a liberal +estimate, about sixty-five cents. I even pawned my crutches, which I still +used and still needed. One day I went to a bath-room, and after remaining +in the bath for half an hour, with the water just as warm as I could bear +it, I resolved to change the programme, and, without further reflection, I +turned off the warm and turned on water as cold as ice could make it. It +almost caused my death. In an instant every pore of my body was closed, and +I was as numb as one would be if frozen. Even my sight was destroyed for a +few minutes, but I contrived to get out of the bath and put on my rags. I +found my way, with some difficulty, to the Union Depot, and boarded a +train, but I did not notice that it was not the train I wanted to travel on +until it was too late for me to correct the mistake. I went to Zionsville, +and lay there three days under the charge of two physicians. I then started +again to go home, expecting to die at any moment. At last I reached +Falmouth, and was carried to my father's, where I passed two weeks in +suffering only equaled by that which I had already borne. + +On again recovering my health, I began to look about for something to do, +and hearing of a vacant school east of Falmouth, and about four miles from +my father's, I made application and was employed to teach it. It is with +pride (which, after the record of so many failures, I trust will readily be +pardoned) that I chronicle the fact that from the beginning to the end of +the term I never tasted liquor. I look back to those months as the happiest +of my life. I did what is seldom done, for in addition to keeping sober +(which I believe most teachers do without an effort), I gave complete +satisfaction to every parent, and pleased and made friends with every +scholar (a thing, I believe, that most teachers do not do). Very bright and +vivid in memory are those days, made more radiant by contrast with the +darkness and degradation which lie before and after them. As I dwell upon +them a ray of their calm light steals into my soul, and the faces of my +loved scholars come out of the intervening darkness and smile upon me, +until, for a brief moment, I forget my barred window, the mad-house, and my +desolation, and fancy that I am again with them. I boarded with Daniel +Baker, and can never forget his own and his good wife's kindness. + +At the close of my school I was in better health and spirits than I had +ever before been. I began to feel that there was still a chance for me to +redeem the losses of the past, and I can not describe how happy the thought +made me. I again began the practice of law, and for six months I devoted +myself to my duties. I had a large and paying practice, and not once but +often was I engaged in cases where my fees amounted to from fifty to one +hundred dollars, and once I received two hundred and fifty dollars. I will +further say that my clients felt that they were paying me little enough in +each case, considering the service I rendered them. But during the latter +part of the time I suffered much from low spirits and nervousness, and my +desire for whisky almost drove me wild at times. I fought this appetite +again and again with desperate determination, and how the contest would +have finally ended I can not say had I not been taken down sick. The +physician who was sent for prescribed some brandy, and on his second visit +he brought half of a pint of it, to be taken with other medicine in doses +of one tablespoonful at intervals of two hours. I followed his directions +with care, so far as the first dose was concerned, but if the reader +supposes that I waited two hours for another tablespoonful of that brandy +he does my appetite gross injustice. Neither would I have him suppose that +I confined the second dose to a tablespoon. I waited until my friends +withdrew, making some excuse about wanting to be alone in order to get them +to go out at once, and then I got out of bed and swallowed the remainder of +that brandy at a gulp. A desperate and uncontrollable desire for the poison +had possession of me, and beneath it my resolutions were crushed and my +will helplessly manacled. I slipped out of the room at the first +opportunity, and managed to get a buggy in which I drove off to Falmouth +where I immediately bought a quart of whisky. This I drank in an incredibly +short space of time, and after that--after that--well, you can imagine what +took place after that. Would to God that I could erase the recollection of +it from my mind! Days and weeks of drunkenness; days and weeks of +degradation; money spent; clothes pawned and lost; business neglected; +friends alienated; and peace and happiness annihilated by the fell, +merciless, hell-born fiend--Alcohol! So much for a half pint of brandy +prescribed by an able physician. The vilest and most deadly poison could +scarcely have been worse. Perhaps I was to blame--at least I have blamed +myself--for not imploring the doctor in the name of everything holy not to +prescribe any medicine containing a drop of intoxicating liquor. But I was +sick and weak, and my appetite rose in its strength at mention of the word +brandy, and when I would have spoken it palsied my tongue. I could not +resist. The inevitable was upon me. + +Down, down, down I went, lower and ever lower. Down, into the darkness of +desperation!--down, into the gulf of ruin!--down, where Shame, and Sin, and +Misery cry to fallen souls--"Stay! abide with us!" I felt now that all I +had gained was lost, and that there was nothing more for me to hope for. +The destroying devil had swept away everything. I was no longer a man. +Behold me cowering before my race and begging the pitiful sum of ten cents +with which to buy one more drink--begging for it, moreover, as something +far more precious than life. I resorted then, as many times since, to every +means in order to get that which would, and yet would not, satisfy my +insatiate thirst. No one is likely to contradict me when I say that I know +of more ways to get whisky, when out of money and friends, (although no +true friend would ever give me whisky, especially to start on) than any +other living man, and I sincerely doubt if there is one among the dead who +could give me any information on the subject. Had I as persistently applied +myself to my profession, and resorted to half as many tricks and ways to +gain my clients' cases, it would have been out of the range of probability +for my opponents to ever defeat me. I might have had a practice which would +have required the aid of a score or more partners. I understand very well +that such statements as this are not likely to exalt me in the reader's +estimation, but I started out to tell the truth, and I shall not shrink +from the recital of anything that will prejudice my readers against the +enemy that I hate. I could sacrifice my life itself, if thereby I might +slay the monster. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +The "Baxter Law"--Its injustice--Appetite is not controlled by +legislation--Indictments--What they amount to--"Not guilty"--The +Indianapolis police--The Rushville grand jury--Start home afoot--Fear--The +coming head-light--A desire to end my miserable existence--"Now is the +time"--A struggle in which life wins--Flight across the fields--Bathing in +dew--Hiding from the officers--My condition--Prayer--My unimaginable +sufferings--Advised to lecture--The time I began to lecture. + + +It has been but a few years since the Legislature of Indiana passed what is +known as the "Baxter Liquor Law." Among the provisions of that law was one +which declared that "any person found drunk in a public place should be +fined five dollars for every such offense, and be compelled to tell where +he got his liquor." It was further declared that if the drunkard failed to +pay his fine, etc., he should be imprisoned for a certain number of days or +weeks. This had no effect on the drunkard, unless it was to make his +condition worse. Appetite is a thing which can not be controlled by a law. +It may be restrained through fear, so long as it is not stronger than a +man's will, but where it controls and subordinates every other faculty it +would be useless to try to eradicate or restrain it by legislation. When a +man's appetite is stronger than he is, it will lead him, and if it demands +liquor it will get it, no matter if five hundred Baxter laws threatened the +drunkard. Man, powerless to resist, gives way to appetite; he gets drunk; +he is poor and has no money to pay his fine; the court tells him to go to +jail until an outraged law is vindicated. In the meantime the man has a +wife and (it may be) children; they suffer for bread. The poor wife still +clings to her husband and works like a slave to get money to pay his fine. +She starves herself and children in order to buy his freedom. You will say: +"The man had no business to get drunk." But that is not the point. He needs +something very different from a Baxter law to save him from the power of +his appetite. Besides, the law is unjust. The rich man may get just as +drunk as the poor man, and may be fined the same, but what of that? Five +dollars is a trifle to him, so he pays it and goes on his way, while his +less fortunate brother is kicked into a loathsome cell. There never has +been, never can, and never will be a law enacted that prevent men from +drinking liquor, especially those in whom there is a dominant appetite for +it. The idea of licensing men to sell liquor and punishing men for drinking +it is monstrous. To be sure, they are not punished for drinking it in +moderation, but no man can be moderate who has such an appetite as I have. +Why license men to sell liquor, and then punish others for drinking it? +What sort of sense or justice is there in it, anyhow? There is a double +punishment for the drunkard, and none for the liquor-seller. The sufferings +consequent on drinking are extreme, and no punishment that the law can +inflict will prevent the drunkard from indulging in strong drink if his own +far greater and self-inflicted punishment is of no avail. + +When a man has become a drunkard his punishment is complete. Think of law +makers enacting and making it lawful, in consideration of a certain amount +of money paid to the State, for dealers in liquors to sell that which +carries darkness, crime, and desolation with it wherever it goes! The +silver pieces received by Judas for betraying his master were honestly +gotten gain compared with the blood money which the license law drops +into the State's treasury--license money. What money can weigh in the +balance and not be found wanting where starved and innocent children, +broken-hearted mothers and sisters, and deserted, weeping wives are in the +scale against it? Mothers, look on this law licensing this traffic, and +then if you do not like it cease to bring forth children with human +passions and appetites, and let only angels be born. + +After the passage of this law making drunkenness an offense to be fined, I +had all the law practice I could attend to in keeping myself out of its +meshes and penalties. It kept me busy to avoid imprisonment--for I was +drunk nearly all the time. I was indicted twenty-two times. But it is fair +to say that in a majority of cases these indictments were found by men in +sympathy with me, and whose chief object in having me arrested was to +punish the men who sold me liquor. Another mistake! It is next to +impossible to get a drunkard to tell where he got his liquor. Half the time +he himself does not know where he got it. I never indicted a saloon keeper +in my life. The sale of liquor has been legalized, and so long as that is +the case I would blame no man for refusing to tell where he got his liquor. +A law that permits an appetite for whisky to be formed, and then punishes +its victim after money, health, and reputation are all gone, is a barbarous +injustice. Instead of making a law that liquor shall not be sold to +drunkards, better enact a law that it shall be sold only to drunkards. Then +when the present generation of drunkards has passed away, there will be no +more. I succeeded in escaping from the penalty of the indictments found +against me. I plead, in most instances, my own case, and once or twice, +when so drunk that I could not stand up without a chair to support me, I +succeeded by resorting to some of the many tricks known to the legal +fraternity, in wringing from the jury a verdict of "not guilty." + +But all this was anything but amusing. I have never made my sides sore +laughing about it. The memory of it does not wreath my face in smiles. It +is madness to think of it. I lived in a state of perpetual dread. When in +Indianapolis the sight of the police filled me with fear. And here a word +concerning the Indianapolis police. There are, doubtless, in the force some +strictly honorable, true, and kind-hearted men--and these deserve all +praise. But, if accounts speak true, there are others who are more +deserving the lash of correction than many whom they so brutally arrest. +Need they be told that they have no right to kick, or jerk, or otherwise +abuse an unresisting victim? Are they aware of the fact that the fallen are +still human, and that, as guardians of the peace, they are bound to yet be +merciful while discharging their duties? I have heard of more than one +instance where men, and even women, were treated on and before arriving at +the station house as no decent man would treat a dog. Such policemen are +decidedly more interested in the extra pay they get on each arrest than in +serving the best interests of the community. Many a poor man has been +arrested when slightly intoxicated, and driven to desperation by the +brutality of the police, that, under charitable and kind treatment, would +have been saved. And I wish to ask a civilized and Christian people, if it +is just the thing to take a man afflicted with the terrible disease of +drunkenness, and thrust him into a loathsome, dirty cell? Would it not be +not only more human, but also more in accord with the spirit of our +intelligent and liberal age, to convey him to a hospital? I leave the +discussion of this subject to other and abler hands. + +At one time the grand jury at Rushville met and found a number of +indictments against me. I was drunk at the time, but by some means learned +that an officer had a writ to arrest me. I started at once to go to my +father's. I was without means to get a conveyance, and so I started afoot +out the Jeffersonville railroad. I had then been drunk about one month, and +was bordering on delirium tremens. After walking a mile or more, my boot +rubbed my foot so that I drew it off and walked on barefooted. My feelings +can not be imagined. Fear and terror froze my blood. The night came on dark +and dismal, and a flood of bitter, wretched thoughts swept over me, +crushing me to the earth. Before me in the distance appeared the head-light +of an engine. It seemed to look at me like a demon's eye, and beckon me on +to destruction. I heard voices which whispered in my ears--"now is the +time." A shudder crept over me. Should I end my miserable existence? I knew +that a train of cars was coming. I could lie down on the track, and no one +would ever know but I had been accidentally killed. Then I thought of my +father, and brothers, and sisters, and as a glimpse of their suffering +entered my mind, I felt myself held back. A great struggle went on between +life and death. It ended in favor of life, and I fled from the railroad. I +soon lost my way and wandered blindly over the fields and through the woods +all that night. I was perishing for liquor when daylight came. In order to +assuage my burning appetite I climbed over a fence, and, picking up a +dirty, rusty wash-pan which had been thrown away, I drank a quart of water +which I dipped from a horse-trough. My skin was dry and parched, and my +blood was in a blaze. When I came to grassy plots I lay down and bathed my +face in the cold dew, and also bared my arms and moistened them in the +cool, damp grass. + +When the sun came up over the eastern tree-tops I found that I was about +ten miles from Rushville. After stumbling on for some time longer I found +my way to Henry Lord's, a farmer with whom I was acquainted. He gave me a +room in which I lay hidden from the officers for two days and nights. From +this place I went to my father's, and although the officers came there two +or three times, I escaped arrest. It is impossible to give the reader the +faintest idea of my condition. Without money, clothes, or friends, an +outcast, hunted like a wild beast, I had only one thing left--my horrible +appetite, at all times fierce and now maddening in the extreme. My hands +trembled, my face was bloated, and my eyes were bloodshot. I had almost +ceased to look like a human. Hope had flown from me, and I was in complete +despair. I moved about over my father's farm like one walking in sleep, the +veriest wretch on the face of the earth. My real condition not unfrequently +pressed upon me until, in an agony of desperation, I would put my swollen +hands over my worse than bloated face and groan aloud, while tears scalding +hot streamed down over my fingers and arms. I staid at home a number of +days. At first I had no thought of quitting drink. I was too crazed in mind +to think clearly on any subject. After two or three days, I became very +nervous for lack of my accustomed stimulants; then I got so restless that I +could not sleep, and for nights together I scarcely closed my aching eyes. +Long as the days seemed, the nights were longer still. At the end of two +weeks I began to have a more clear or less muddied conception of my +condition, and a faint hope came to me that I might yet conquer the +appetite which was taking me through utter ruin of body, to the eternal +death of body and soul. The reader must not think that I thought I could by +my own strength save myself. I prayed often and fervently. However strange +it may sound it is nevertheless true, that, notwithstanding the degraded +life I have lived, I have covered it with prayer as with a garment, and +with as sincere prayer, too, as ever rose from the lips of pain and sin. My +unimaginable sufferings have impelled me to seek earnestly for an escape +from the torments which go out beyond the grave. None can ever be made to +realize how much pain and agony I experienced during these first weeks I +spent at home and abstained from liquor, nor can any know how much I +resisted. At that time I had not the least thought of lecturing. Many +times, when getting over a spree, I had, in the presence of people, given +expression to the agonies that were consuming me, and at such times I did +not fail to pay my respects to alcohol in a way (the only way) it deserves. +My friends advised me to lecture on temperance, and I now began to think of +their words. Was it my duty to go forth and tell the world of the horrors +of intemperance, and warn all people to rise against this great enemy? If +so, I would gladly do it. I began to prepare a lecture. It would help me to +pass away the time, if nothing more came of it. It has been nearly four +years since I delivered that lecture. I will give a history of my first +effort and succeeding ones, with what was said about me, in the next +chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +My first lecture--A cold and disagreeable evening--A fair audience--My +success--Lecture at Fairview--The people turn out en masse--At +Rushville--Dread of appearing before the audience--Hesitation--I go on the +stage and am greeted with applause--My fright--I throw off my father's old +coat and stand forth--Begin to speak, and soon warm to my subject--I make +a lecture tour--Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana--Attitude +of the press--The aid of the good--Opposition and falsehood--Unkind +criticism--Tattle mongers--Ten months of sobriety--My fall--Attempt to +commit suicide--Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself--Ask +the sheriff to lock me in the jail--Renewed effort--The campaign of +'74--"Local option." + + +I delivered my first lecture at Raleigh, the scene of many of my most +disgraceful debauches and most lamentable misfortunes. The evening +announced for my lecture was unpropitious. Late in the afternoon a cold, +disagreeable rain set in, and lasted until after dark. The roads were +muddy, and in places nearly impassable. I did not expect on reaching the +hall, or school house, or church in which I was to speak, to find much of +an audience, but I was agreeably disappointed; for while the house was by +no means "packed," there was still a fair audience. Raleigh had turned out +en masse, men, women and children. I suppose they were curious to hear what +I had to say, and they heard it if I am not much in error. I was much +embarrassed when I first began to speak--more so than I have ever been +since, even when in the presence of thousands. I did the best I could, and +the audience expressed very general satisfaction. I think some of my +statements astounded them a trifle, but they soon recovered and listened +with profound and respectful attention. My next appointment was at +Fairview. Here, as at Raleigh, I had often been seen during some of my wild +sprees, and here, as at Raleigh, the people came out in force to hear me. I +improved on my first lecture, I think, and felt emboldened to make a more +ambitious effort. I settled on Rushville as the next most desirable place +to afflict, and made arrangements to deliver my lecture there. A number of +the best young men in the town of the class that never used liquor, but who +had always sympathized with me, went without my consent or knowledge to the +ministers of the different churches, and had them announce that on the next +Monday evening Luther Benson, "the reformed drunkard," would lecture in the +Court House. I was nervous from the want of my accustomed stimulants, and +the added dread of appearing before an audience before whose members I had +so many times covered myself with shame, and in whose Court House--the very +place in which I was to speak--I had been several times indicted for +violations of the law, almost caused me to break my engagement. While still +hesitating on what course to take, whether to go before the audience or go +home and hang myself, the dreaded Monday evening came, and with it came my +friends to escort me to the stage, which had been extemporized for me. I +waited until the last moment before entering the room. + +On making my appearance I was greeted with applause, but instead of +reassuring me, it frightened me almost out of my wits. However, it was too +late to retreat, and so making up my mind to die, if necessary, on the +spot, or succeed, I hastily threw off my father's old and threadbare +overcoat (I had none of my own) and stood forth in a full dress coat, which +showed much ill treatment, and immediately began my lecture. As I warmed to +my work, and got interested, I forgot my embarrassment and talked with ease +and volubility. I did not fail, in proof of which I have only to add that +on the following day I met Ben. L. Smith on the street, and on the strength +of my lecture, he went my security for a respectable coat and pair of +boots. + +From Rushville I started on a lecture tour, taking in Dublin, Connersville, +Cambridge City, Shelbyville, Knightstown, Newcastle, and other places. By +degrees I widened the field of my lectures until it embraced the whole of +Indiana and parts of many other States. In a little more than three years I +have spoken publicly four hundred and seventy times in Indiana alone. From +the very first I have been warmly and generously supported by the press. +There have been exceptions in the case of a few papers, but they were only +the exceptions. Since my first effort to reform, all good people have aided +me. But from the very first I have had to fight opposition and falsehood. I +have been accused of being drunk when I was sober, and outrageous +falsehoods have been told about me when the truth would have been bad +enough. After I had got fairly started to lecture I had always one object +paramount, and that was to save myself from the drunkard's terrible fate +and doom. After a short time men who drank would come to me and +congratulate me, saying that I had opened their eyes, and that from that +day forward they would drink no more liquor. Mothers, wives, and sisters, +who had sons, husbands, and brothers that indulged in the fatal habit, came +to me and encouraged me by telling me how much good I had done them. I +began to feel a strong additional motive to lecture and save others. And +here I wish to say that my efforts to save all men whom I met that were in +danger (and all are in danger who touch liquor in any form) of the curse, +have been the cause of much unkind criticism. People have said: "O, well, +we don't believe Benson is in earnest. He don't seem to try very hard to +quit drinking himself. He doesn't keep the right sort of company," and so +on. This was the language of men who never drank. I have had drinking men +by the score come to me with tears in their eyes, and beg to know if there +was any escape from the curse. Since taking the lecture field I have paid +out in actual money over a thousand dollars to aid men and families in +trouble caused by the use of liquor. I have the first one yet to turn away +when I had anything to give. I have more than once robbed myself to aid +others. Oftentimes my labor and money have been thrown away, but I have the +satisfaction of knowing that I did my duty. In some cases, thank heaven! I +have cause to know that my efforts were not in rain. + +For ten months from the time I quit drinking and began to lecture, I +averaged one lecture a day. I lived on the work and its excitement, making +it take, as far as possible, the place of alcohol. I learned too late that +this was the very worst thing I could have done. I was all the time +expending the very strength I so much needed for the restoration of my +shattered system. For ten months, lacking two days, I fought my appetite +for whisky day and night. I waged a continued, never-ceasing, never-ending +battle, with what earnestness and desire to conquer the God to whom I so +fervently prayed all that time alone knows, and he alone knows the agony of +my conflicts. I dreamed that I was wildly drunk night after night, and I +would rise from my bed in the morning more weary than when, tired and worn +out from overwork, I sought rest. The horror of such dreams can be known +only to those who have experienced them. The shock to my nervous system +from a sudden and complete cessation of the use of all stimulating drinks +was of itself a fearful thing to encounter. I was often so nervous that, +for nights at a time, I got little or no sleep. The least noise would cause +me to tremble with fear. I suffered all the while more than any can ever +know, save those who have gone through the same hell. The manners and +actions often induced by my sufferings and an abiding sense of my +afflictions not infrequently militated against me. It has often been said: +"He acts very strangely--must have been drinking." Again: "I believe he +uses opium." These assertions may have been honestly made, but they were +none the less utterly false. If people could only know just how much the +drunkard suffers; how sad, lonesome, gloomy and wretched he feels while +trying to resist the accursed appetite which is destroying him, they would +never taunt him with doubts, nor go to him, as I have had men, and even +women, come to me (I say "men and women," but they were neither men nor +women, but libels on men and women), and say that this or that person had +said that that or this person had heard some other person tell another +person that he, she, or it believed that I, Luther Benson, had been +drinking on such and such an occasion; or that some one told Mr. B., who +told Miss X.T. that J.B. had said to Madam Z. that such and such a one had +actually told T.Y. that O.M.U. had seen three men who had heard of four +other men who said they could find two women who had overheard a man say +that he had seen a man who had seen me with two men that had a bottle of +something which he felt pretty sure was Robinson county whisky. Therefore +B. was drunk! + +These things had the effect on me that this account will probably have on +the reader--they annoyed me exceedingly at times. At times the falsehoods +were more malicious still, causing me many sleepless hours. At the end +of ten months of complete sobriety, during which I never tasted any +stimulant--ten months of constant struggle and determined effort--I fell. +Alas, that I am compelled to write the sad words! I had broken down my +strength; my mental and physical energies gave way, and my appetite had +wrapped itself as a flaming fire about me, consuming me in its heat. I +commenced drinking at Charlottsville, Henry county, and went from there to +Knightstown on a Saturday evening. On the following Monday I went to +Indianapolis drunk, and there got "dead drunk." My friends in Rushville, +hearing of my misfortune, came after me and took me with them to that +place, where I remained utterly oblivious until the next Sunday, when, by +some means--I have no knowledge how--I got on an early train that was +passing through Rushville, and went as far as Columbus, where I got off, +and soon succeeded in getting a quart of liquor. Between the hour of my +arrival at Columbus and night I drank three bottles of whisky. + +That night I returned to Rushville, and while mad with liquor, made an +attempt on my life by cutting my throat. Well for me that my knife was dull +and did not penetrate to the jugular artery. The wound self-inflicted was +an ugly but not dangerous one. I kept on drinking for a week or more, until +I found that it was utterly out of my power to resist drinking so long as I +remained in a place where I could see, or buy, or beg whisky. I finally +went to the sheriff and asked him to lock me up in jail, which I finally +persuaded him to do. Once in jail I tried in vain to get more liquor. I +remained there until the fierce fires of my appetite smouldered once more, +and then I was released. I lay in bed sick several days at this time, sick +in mind, soul, and body. I felt that for me there was nothing left. I had +descended to the lowest depths. I was forever ruined and undone. Many who +had said that I would not or could not stop drinking seemed to be delighted +over my terrible misfortune. The smile with which they would say, "I told +you so!" was devilish and fiendish. But many friends gathered about me and +cheered me with hope that by renewed effort I might rise again. Well and +truly did a great English poet, Campbell, I believe, say:-- + + "Hope springs eternal in the human heart." + +I determined once more that I would not give up, I would fight my tireless +enemy while a breath of life or an atom of reason remained in my being. + +It was now July, 1874. An exciting political campaign was coming off, the +main issue was "local option." I took the side and became an advocate of +local option, and until the election in October, averaged one speech per +day, frequently traveling all night in order to meet my engagements. That +campaign broke me down completely, and on the first of November I again +yielded, after a prolonged and desperate struggle, to the powers of my +sleepless and tireless adversary. So terrible were the consequences of this +fall that in the hope of preventing others from ever indulging in the +ruinous habit which led to it, I wrote out and published a full account of +it under the title of "Luther Benson's Struggle for Life." Inasmuch as this +book will be incomplete without it, I will embody that brochure in the next +chapter, so that those who have never read it may now do so, if they +desire. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +Struggle for life--A cry of warning--"Why don't you quit?"--Solitude, +separation, banishment--No quarter asked--The rumseller--A risk no +man should incur--The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis--At +Richmond--The bloated druggist--"Death and damnation"--At the Galt +House--The three distinct properties of alcohol--Ten days in +Cincinnati--The delirium tremens--My horrible sufferings--The stick that +turned to a serpent--A world of devils--Flying in dread--I go to +Connersville, Indiana--My condition grows worse--Hell, horrors, and +torments--The horrid sights of a drunkard's madness. + + +Depraved and wretched is he who has practiced vice so long that he curses +it while he yet clings to it; who pursues it because he feels a terrible +power driving him on toward it, but, reaching it, knows that it will gnaw +his heart, and make him roll himself in the dust. Thus it has been, and +thus it is, with me. The deep, surging waters have gone over me. But out of +their awful, black depths, could I be heard, I would cry out to all who +have just set a foot in the perilous flood. For I am not one of those who, +if they themselves must die the death most terrible and appalling of all +others, would drag or even persuade one other soul to accompany them. But +as the oblivious waves are surging about me, and as I try to brave and +buffet them, I would cry to others not to come to me. When but just gasping +and throwing up my hand for the last time, it would not be to clutch, but, +if possible, to push back to safety. Could the youth who has just begun to +taste wine, and the young man his first drink--to whom it is as delicious +as the opening scenes of a visionary life, or the entering into some +newly-discovered paradise where scenes of undimmed glory burst upon his +vision--but see the end of all that, and what comes after, by looking into +my desolation, and be made to understand what a dark and dreary thing it is +for a man to be made to feel that he is going over a precipice with his +eyes wide open, with a will that has lost power to prevent it; could he see +my hot, fevered cheeks, bloodshot eyes, bloated face, swollen fingers, +bruised and wounded body; could he feel the body of the death out of which +I cry hourly, with feebler and feebler outcry, to be delivered; could he +know how a constant wail comes up and out from my bleeding heart, and begs +and pleads with a great agony to be delivered from this awful demon, drink; +could these truths but go home to the hearts and minds of the young men of +the land; could they feel for but one single moment what I am compelled to +live, and battle, and endure day in, and day out, until the days drag +themselves into weeks that seem like months, and months that seem like +years, striving all the time, a living, walking, talking death, and cares, +pleasures, and joys, all gone, yet compelled to endure and live, or rather +die, on; could every young man feel these things as I am compelled to feel +and bear them, it seems to me that it would be enough to make them, while +they yet have the power to do it, dash the sparkling damnation to the earth +in all the pride of its mantling temptation. + +At the very threshold of blooming manhood I found myself subject to all the +disadvantages which mankind, if they reflected upon them, would hesitate to +impose upon acknowledged guilt. In every human countenance I feared to find +an enemy. I shrank from the vigilance of human eyes. I dared not open my +heart to the best affections of our nature, for a drunkard is supposed to +have no love. I was shut up within my own desolation--a deserted, solitary +wretch in the midst of my species. I dared not look for the consolation of +friendship, for a drunkard is always the subject of suspicion and distrust, +and is not supposed to be possessed of those finer feelings that find men +as friends. Thus, instead of identifying myself with the joys and sorrows +of others, and exchanging the delicious gifts of confidential sympathy, I +was compelled to shrink back and listen to the horrid words, You are a +drunkard--words the very mention or thought of which has ten thousand times +carried despair to my heart, and made me gasp and pant for breath. Thus it +was at the very opening of life, and thus it ever has been, and thus it is +to-day. I have struggled, and with streaming eyes tried to wrench the +chains from my bruised and torn body. My weary and long-continued struggles +led to no termination. Termination! No! The lapse of time, that cures all +other things, but makes my case more desperate. For there is no rest for +me. Whithersoever I remove myself, this detestable, hated, sleepless, +never-tiring enemy is in my rear. What a dark, mysterious, unfeeling, +unrelenting tyrant! Is it come to this? When Nero and Caligula swayed the +Roman scepter, it was a fearful thing to offend the bloody rulers. The +Empire had already spread itself from climate to climate, and from sea to +sea. If their unhappy victim fled to the rising of the sun, where the +luminary of day seems to us first to ascend from the waves of the ocean, +the power of the tyrant was still behind him; if he withdrew to the west, +to Hesperian darkness and the shores of barbarian Thule, still he was not +safe from his gore-drenched foe. Rum! Whisky! Alcohol! Fiend! Monster! +Devil! Art thou the offspring in whom the lineaments of these tyrants are +faithfully preserved? Was the world, with all its climates, made in vain +for thy helpless, unoffending victim? + +To me the sun brings no return of day. Day after day rolls on, and my state +is immutable. Existence is to me a scene of melancholy. Every moment is a +moment of anguish, with a trembling fear that the coming period will bring +a severer fate. We talk of the instruments of torture, but there is more +torture in the lingering existence of a man that is in the iron clutches of +a monster that has neither eyes, nor ears, nor bowels of compassion; a +venomous enemy that can never be turned into a friend; a silent, sleepless +foe, that shuts out from the light of day, and makes its victim the +associate of those whom society has marked for her abhorrence; a slave +loaded with fetters that no power can break; cut off from all that +existence has to bestow; from all the high hopes so often conceived; from +all the future excellence the soul so much desires to imagine. No language +can do justice to the indignant and soul-sickening loathing that these +ideas excite. A thousand times I have longed for death, and wished, with an +expressible ardor, for an end to what I suffered. A thousand times I have +meditated suicide, and ruminated in my soul upon the different means of +escaping from my load of existence. A thousand times in wretched bitterness +I have asked myself, What have I to do with life? I have seen and felt +enough to make me regard it with detestation. Why should I wait the +lingering process of an unfeeling tyrant that is slowly tearing me to +pieces, and not dare so much as die but when and how the marble-hearted +thing decrees? Still, some inexplicable suggestion withheld my hand, and +caused me to cling with desperate fondness to this shadow of existence, its +mysterious attractions, and its hopeless prospects--appetite, fiendish +thirst, a burning, ever-crying demand for a poison that is death, and for +which a man will give his body and soul as a sacrifice to whoever will +satisfy his imperious cravings. Let this appetite entwine itself about a +man, let it throw its iron arms about his bruised body, and he will curse +the day he was born. But some one says, Why don't you quit? Just don't +drink! In answer I would say, O God, give me poverty, shower upon me all +the hardships of life, turn me a prey to the wild beasts of the desert, so +I be never again the victim of rum. Suffer me to call life and the pursuit +of life my own, free from the appetite for alcohol, and I am willing to +hold them at the mercy of the elements, the hunger of beasts, or the +revenge of cold-blooded men. All of these, rather than the poison of the +accursed cup. + +Solitude! separation! banishment! These are words often in the mouths of +human beings; but few men except myself have been permitted to feel the +full latitude of their meaning. The pride of philosophy has taught us to +treat man as an individual. He is no such thing. He holds, necessarily, +indispensably, a relation to his species. He is like those twin births that +have two heads and four hands, but if you attempt to detach them from each +other, they are inevitably subjected to a miserable and lingering +destruction. If a man wants to conceive a lively idea of the regions of the +damned, just let him get himself in that condition that he is alone with an +enemy while he is surrounded by society and his friends--an enemy that is +like what has been described as the eye of Omniscience pursuing the guilty +sinner and darting a ray that awakens him to a new sensibility at the very +moment that otherwise exhausted nature would lull him into a temporary +oblivion of the reproaches of his conscience. No walls can hide me from the +discernment of my hated foe. Everywhere his industry in unwearied, to +create for me new distress. Never can I count upon an instant of security; +never can I wrap myself in the shroud of oblivion. The minutes in which I +do not actually perceive and feel my destroyer are contaminated and blasted +with the certain expectation of speedy interference. Thus it has been, and +thus it is to-day, and with every returning day. + +Tyrants have trembled, surrounded by whole armies of their janizaries. +Alcohol--venomous serpent! robber and reviler!--what should make thee +inaccessible to my fury? I will unfold a tale! I will show thee to +the world for what thou art, and all the men that read shall confess +my truth! Whisky--abhorrer of nature, the curse of the human species!--the +earth can only be freed from an insupportable burden by thy extermination! +Rum--poisoner! destroyer! that spits venom all around, and leaves the +ground infected with slime! Accursed poison-makers and poison-dispensers!-- +do you imagine that I am altogether passive; a mean worm, organized to feel +sensations of pain, but having no emotion of resentment? Did you imagine +that there was no danger in inflicting on me pains, however great; +miseries, however direful? Do you believe me impotent, imbecile, and +idiot-like, with no understanding to contrive my escape and thy ruin, and +no energy to perpetrate it? I will tell the end of thy infernal works. The +country, in justice, shall hear me. I would that I had the language of +fire, that my words might glow, and burn, and drop like molten lava, that I +might wipe you from the face of the earth, or persuade mankind to turn away +and starve you to death. Think you that I would regret the ruin that had +overwhelmed you? Too long I have been tender-hearted and forbearing. +Whisky, whisky sellers and whisky makers, traffickers and dealers in tears, +blood, sin, shame, and woe!--ten thousand times you have dipped your bloody +talons in my blood. There is no evil you have scrupled to accumulate upon +me! Neither will I be more scrupulous. You have shown me no mercy, and you +shall receive none. + +Let us look at the rumseller, that we may know what manner of man he is, +and then ask if he deserves the pity, sympathy, or respect of society, or +any part of it. Viewed considerately, in the light of their respective +motives, the drunkard is an innocent and honorable man in comparison with +the retailer of drinks. The one yields under the impulse--it may be the +torture--of appetite; the other is a cool, mercenary speculator, thriving +on the frailties and vices of others. He is a man selling for gain what he +knows to be worthless and pernicious; good for none, dangerous for all, and +deadly to many. He has looked in the face the sure consequences of his +course, and if he can but make gain of it, is prepared to corrupt the +souls, embitter the lives, and blast the prosperity of an indefinite number +of his fellow-creatures. By the selling of his poisons he sees that with +terrible certainty, along with the havoc of health, lives, homes, and souls +of men, he can succeed in setting afloat a certain vast amount of property, +and that as it is thrown to the winds, some small share of it will float +within his grasp. He knows that if men remain virtuous and thrifty, if +these homes around him continue peaceful and joyous, his craft can not +prosper. The injured old mothers, the wives, and the sisters are found +where rum is sold. Orphan children throng from hut and hovel, and lift +their childish hands in supplication, asking at the hands of the guilty +whisky sellers for those who rocked their cradles, and fed and loved them. +The murderer, now sober and crushed, lifts his manacled hands, red with +blood, and charges his ruin upon the men who crazed his brain with rum. The +felon comes from his prison tomb, the pauper from his dark retreat, where +the rumseller has driven him to seek an evening's rest and a pauper's +grave. From ten thousand graves the sheeted dead stalk forth, and with +eyeless sockets and bared teeth, grin most ghastly scorn at their +destroyers. The lost float up in shadowy forms, and wail in whispered +despair. Angels turn weeping away, and God, upon his throne, looks in +anger, and hurls a woe upon the hand which "putteth a bottle to his +neighbor's lips to make him drunken." To balance all this fearful array of +mischief and woe, flowing directly from his work, the dealer in ardent +spirits can bring nothing but the plea that appetite has been gratified. +There are profits, to be sure. Death finds it the most liberal purveyor for +his horrid banquet, and hell from beneath it is moved with delight at the +fast-coming profits of the trade; and the seller also gets gain. Death, +hell, and the rumseller--beyond this partnership none are profited. Go and +shake their bloody hands, you who will! The time will be when deep down in +hell these miserable, blood-stained wretches will pant for one drop of +water, and curse the day and hour that they ever sold one drop of liquor. + +The experience of ages proves that the use of intoxicating agents +invariably tends to engender a burning appetite for more; and he who +indulges in them shall do it at the peril of contracting a passionate and +rabid thirst for them, which shall ultimately overmaster the will of his +victim, and drag him, unresisting, to his ruin. No man can put himself +under the influence of alcoholic stimulants without incurring the risk of +this result. It may not be perceptible at once. It may be interrupted, and +while the bonds are yet feeble he may escape. But let the habit go forward, +the excitement be often repeated, and soon a deep-wrought physical effect +will be produced; a headlong and almost delirious appetite, of the nature +of a physical necessity, will have seized the whole man as with iron arms, +and crushed from his heart the power of self-control. + +My whole nature was almost constantly demanding and crying out for +stimulants. During the period that I abstained from them, and for two weeks +before I touched or tasted them the last time, my agony was unbearable. In +my sleep I dreamed that I was drinking, and dreamed that I was drunk. Day +by day my appetite grew fiercer and more unbearable, until in my misery I +walked my floor hour after hour, unable to sleep, and feeling that if I lay +down I should die. One night, about a week before I yielded, I walked my +room until midnight, suffering the torments of hell. I felt that I was +dying, and rushed out of my room and walked and ran across fields and +through the woods, panting and gasping for breath. I felt that my head was +bursting to pieces. My blood boiled, and hissed, and foamed through my +veins. I could feel my heart throb and beat as though it would burst out of +my body. At that time I would have torn the veins of my arms open, if I +could have drawn whisky from them. When light came, I found that I had +walked and run seven miles since leaving my room at midnight. All that day +I was burning up for liquor. Had I been where I could lay my hands on it, a +thousand times that day I would have drank though it steeped my soul in +rivers of death. + +In just this condition I went to Indianapolis to address the Woman's +Temperance Convention. I felt that I would drop dead before I finished my +speech. That night I did not sleep more than an hour, and that was a +miserable hour of sleep, in which I dreamed that I was drunk. I woke up +with a burning thirst, and sharp pains darting through my brain. The very +least noise would send a new pang to my head, and when I attempted to walk, +my own footsteps would jar upon my brain as though knives were driven +through it. The next day and night I fought it like a tiger, but my thirst +only increased, and then one gets tired at last of fighting an enemy all +day, knowing that he must confront that same enemy the next day, and the +next, for one can not live always on a strain, always in fear, and doubt, +and dread. The next day I started for Richmond, where I had business, +intending to go from there to Cincinnati and Covington, and thence East. I +got to Richmond, haunted, every inch of the road, with an inexpressible +longing for stimulants. When I got there, I knew that I was where I could +get a little rest from my intense suffering, for I could get whisky. When +the thought of what would be the result of touching it forced itself on my +mind, my agony was so terrible that I could feel the sweat streaming down +my face, and I could have wrung water from my hair. + +If ever there was a man in ruins, a perfect spectacle of utter desolation, +I was that man, as I stood in the depot at Richmond, burning up for whisky. +Had I been standing on red-hot embers my sufferings could not have been +more intense. I feel that I can almost hear some one say, "Why did you not +pray? just go and ask God to help you." I have been told to do that ten +thousand times by good-meaning men and women, who do not know how to pray +as I do, and never will until (which God forbid) they have suffered as I +have. I did pray, and beg, and plead for mercy and help, but the heavens +were solid brass and the earth hard iron, and God did not hear or heed my +prayers. Talk about having the appetite for stimulants removed by prayer! +That appetite is just as much the part of a man as his hand, heart, brain, +or any other part of his body. Every one of God's laws are unchangeable and +immutable. The day of miracles is over. When one of God's creatures +violates his laws, he must pay the penalty; and I think it would be far +better to educate the rising generation that there is no escape for them +from the consequences of their acts, than to preach them into the belief +that they may for years pursue a course of dissipation, violate every law +of their being, and then by prayer have the chains of habit stricken off +and be restored whole. + +Then there is another class of individuals who have said to me, "When you +get into that condition, when you feel that you must have liquor, why don't +you just take a little in moderation?" Moderation! A drink of liquor is to +my appetite what a red-hot coal of fire is to a keg of dry powder. You can +just as easily shoot a ball from a cannon's mouth moderately, or fire off a +magazine slowly, as I can drink liquor moderately. When I take one drink, +if it is but a taste, I must have more, if I knew hell would burst out of +the earth and engulf me the next instant. I am either perfectly sober, with +no smell f of liquor about me, or I am very drunk. Some of those moderate +drinkers, who are increasing their moderation a little every day, and also +some pretended temperance people, who are always suspicious of others, +because they are sneaking, cowardly, sly, deceitful and treacherous +themselves, are constantly asking me if I do not drink a little all the +time. And then they say I use morphine and opium. There is nothing that has +made me more wretched, and done more to weaken and drag me down, than the +continued accusation of doing something that it is just as impossible for +me to do as it would be to live without breathing; that is, to take a drink +of liquor without getting drunk. And if there is any one thing that will +make me hate a man--loathe, abhor, and despise him--it is to have him +accuse me of drinking or using any kind of stimulants regularly and +moderately. I just want to say here, now, and for all time, that they who +thus accuse me, lie in their teeth, mouth, throat, and away down deep in +their dirty, cowardly, craven, black hearts. + +I walked from the depot in Richmond--or, rather, almost ran--until I came +to a drug store kept by a young man I have known for five or six years. He +keeps nearly all drugs in barrels, well watered, and drinks them regularly, +and, as he calls it, moderately. That is to say, he has not been sober for +five years. Always full, bloated, imbecile, idiotic--has no idea of quiting +himself, and would suffer as keenly as any brute is capable of suffering, +at the thought of any one else who is in the habit of drinking becoming a +sober man. When I went in, he was leaning back in a chair dozing, dreaming, +drunk, or as drunk as that kind of a man generally gets. I asked him for +whisky. He straightened up, and a more fiendish gleam of joy than lit up +his brutal face never sat upon the hideous countenance of a fiend fresh +from hell. He got up to get me the liquor, saying at the same time, "I will +bet you five dollars you are drunk before night." I looked at him, saw the +smile of joy, and the intense pleasure that my getting drunk was going to +afford him. Suffering, choking, and almost bereft of reason, as I was, his +look and act caused me to hesitate and wonder what manner of man it was +that was so utterly base and heartless as to rejoice at the ruin of one +whose continued prayer is to live and die sober. Then and there I prayed +God to deliver me from such friends, and keep me from their accursed +influence. Hell knows no blacker deformity than that which would drag a +fellow-creature again to degradation. Satan was as much a friend of human +happiness when he slimed into Eden. In my very youth, I made a resolve that +I never would, knowingly, stand in the path of any man and a better life: +that I would never do anything to prevent a man from leading a better life, +and I have never broken that resolution. I gathered strength and courage +enough, by a desperate effort, to get out of the store without drinking, +and started in an opposite direction from where anything was kept to drink. + +I had gone but a short distance, when there was no longer any enduring of +the torture. I turned back and went into another drug store, and told the +proprietor that I was sick, and asked him for whisky with some kind of +medicine in it. The man who gave it was not to blame, for he knew nothing +about me, nor the fiendish thirst with which I was possessed; and while he +was not more than a minute getting the liquor for me, it seemed an age, and +when I took the glass, I read "death" in it just as plainly as ever "death" +was written upon the field of battle. I hesitated a moment, while something +whispered, "Death!" I struggled, but could not let go of the glass. I +felt the hot, scalding tears come in my eyes. I thought if I could only +die--just drop dead; but I could not, yet I felt that I was dying ten +thousand deaths all the time! I lifted the glass and drank death and +damnation! I drank the red blood of butchery and the fiery beverage of +hell! It glowed like hot lava in my blood, and burned upon my tongue's end. +A smouldering fire was kindled. A wild glow shot through every vein, and +within my stomach the demon was aroused to his strength. I had now but one +thought, but one burning desire that was consuming me--that was for more +drink! It crept to my fingers' ends, and out in a burning flush upon my +cheek. Drink!--DRINK! I would have had it then if I had been compelled to +go to hell for it! But I got it just one step this side the regions of the +damned. I went to a saloon and commenced to pour it down, and continued +until I was crazed. All power over my appetite was gone; I was oblivious to +everything around me. I took the train for Cincinnati. I have a dim, +shuddering remembrance of some parties at the depot trying to keep me from +taking the cars. I don't know who they were, or what they said. I got to +the city that night, and staid at the Galt House. I have no remembrance of +anything from the time I left Richmond until I awoke next day about ten +o'clock, with an aching head, swollen tongue, burnt, black, parched lips, +and a thirst for whisky that was maddening. Death would have been kindness +compared to what I suffered that morning. + +And here let me ask the reader to indulge me for a while, that I may +explain just the condition I was in, both physically and mentally. I know +just how much charity I am to expect and receive from the corrupt +wilderness of human society, for it is a rank and rotten soil, from which +every shrub draws poison as it grows. All that in a happier field and purer +air would expand into virtue and germinate into usefulness is converted +into henbane and deadly nightshade. I know how hard it is to get human +society to regard one's acts as other than his deliberate intentions. But +of being a drunkard by choice, and because I have not cared for the +consequences, I am innocent. I can say, and speak the truth, that there is +not a person on earth less capable than myself of recklessly and purposely +plunging himself into shame, suffering and sin. I will never believe that a +man, conscious of innocence, can not make other men perceive that he has +that thought. I have been miserable all my life. I have been harshly +treated by mankind, in being accused of wickedly doing that which I abhor, +and against which I have fought with every energy I possessed. The greatest +aggravation of my life has been that I could not make mankind believe, or +understand, my real and true condition. I can safely affirm that a blasted +character, and the curses that have clung to my name, have all of them been +slight misfortunes compared to this. I have for years endeavored to sustain +myself by the sense of my integrity; but the voice of no man on earth +echoed to the voice of my conscience. I called aloud, but there was none to +answer; there was none that regarded. To me the whole world has been as +unhearing as the tempest, and as cold as the iceberg. Sympathy, the +magnetic virtue, the hidden essence of our life, was extinct. Nor has this +been the whole sum of my misery. The food so essential to an intelligent +existence, seemed perpetually renewing before me in its fairest colors, +only the more effectually to elude my grasp and to attack my hunger. Ten +thousand times I have been prompted to unfold the affections of my soul, +only to be repelled with the greatest anguish, until my reflections +continually center upon and within myself, where wretchedness and sorrow +dwell, undisturbed by one ray of hope and light. It seems to me that any +person but a fool would know that I had not purposely led the life of +misery that has marked my steps for fifteen years. It would have been +merciful in comparison, if I had planted a dagger in my heart, for I have +suffered an anguish a thousand times worse than death. I would have had +liquor that morning at Cincinnati if I had known that one single drink +would have obliterated my body, soul, and spirit. I had no power to resist; +and to prove that I was powerless, let us see what effect alcohol, in its +physiological aspect, exerts. + +Alcohol possesses three distinct properties, and consequently produces a +threefold physiological effect. + +1. It has a nervine property, by which it excites the nervous system +inordinately, and exhilarates the brain. + +2. It has a stimulating property, by which it inordinately excites the +muscular motions, and the actions of the heart and blood-vessels. + +3. It has a narcotic property. The operation of this property is to suspend +the nervous energies, and soothe and stupefy the subject. + +Now, any article possessing either one, or but two of these properties, +without the other, is a simple and harmless thing compared with alcohol. It +is only because alcohol possesses this combination of properties, by which +it operates on various organs, and affects several functions in different +ways at one and the same time, that its potency is so dreadful, and its +influence so fascinating, when once the appetite is thoroughly depraved by +its use. It excites and calms, it stimulates and prostrates, it disturbs +and soothes, it energizes and exhausts, it exhilarates and stupefies +simultaneously. Now, what rational man would ever pretend that in going +through a long course of fever, when his nerves were impaired, his brain +inflamed, his blood fermenting, and his strength reduced, that he would be +able, through all the commotion and change of organism, to govern his +tastes, control his morbid cravings, and regulate his words, thoughts and +actions? Yet these same persons will accuse, blame, and curse the man who +does not control his appetite for alcohol, while his stomach is inflamed, +blood vitiated, brain hardened, nerves exhausted, senses perverted, and all +his feelings changed by the accursed stuff with which he has been poisoning +himself to death, piecemeal, for years, and which suddenly, and all at +once, manifests its accumulated strength over him. In sixteen months I have +fought a thousand battles, every one more fearful than the soldier faces +upon the field of conflict, where it rains lead and hails shot and shell, +and I have been victorious nine hundred and ninety-eight times. How many of +these who blame me would have been more successful? A man does not come out +of the flames of alcohol and heal himself in a day. It is struggle and +conflict, and woe; but at last, and finally, it is glorious victory. And if +my friends will not forsake me, I will promise them a victory over rum that +shall be complete and entire. I have neither the heart nor the desire to +attempt a description of my drunk at Cincinnati. Those who have never been +in that condition could not understand it; and to those who have, it needs +no description. + +I was at the Galt House for about ten days, and during all that time I was +as oblivious to all that was passing as if I had been dead and buried; I +did not know day from night. I have no remembrance of eating anything +during the whole time I was there. I only remember a burning thirst for +whisky that seemed to be consuming me. The more I drank, the more I wanted. +After the first four nights I could get no sleep, so I just staid up and +drank all night, until, for the want of slumber, my whole body was torn +with torment for long days and nights. I knew from former experience what +was the awful ending! None who have ever even seen a victim cursed with +delirium tremens will ever wish to look upon the like again. No human +language can describe it; but its scenes burn in the eyeball so deeply that +they never pass away. During the time, all the dread enginery of hell is +planted in the victim's brain and he subject to its terrible torments. Most +persons laugh at the idea of one having the tremens, and think it a sign of +weakness. But there is more disgrace and shame for the man who can drink +liquor to intoxication for ten years, and escape the drunkard's madness, +than there is for the man who has had the tremens two or three times during +that period. Tremens are brought about by the effects of the liquor upon +the brain and nerves, and the less brain or nerves a man has the less +liable he is to be a subject of the tremens. While in this situation the +victim imagines that everything is real, and thinks and believes every +object he sees actually exists. With this explanation, I will now proceed +to tell what I have seen, felt, and heard, while in that condition. + +I had felt the delirium tremens coming on for two or three days. I was just +standing on the verge of a mighty precipice, unable to retrace my steps, +and shuddering as I involuntarily leaned over and looked down into the +vortex which my wild and heated imagination opened before me; and I could +see the lost writhe, and hear them howl in their infernal orgies. The wail, +the curse, and the awful and unearthly ha! ha! came fearfully up before me. +I had got into that condition that not one drop of stimulants would remain +on my stomach. I had been vomiting for more than forty-eight hours every +drop that I drank. In that condition I went into a saloon and asked for a +drink; and as I tremblingly poured it out, a snake shot its head up out of +the liquor, and with swaying head, and glistening eye looking at me, licked +out its forked tongue, and hissed in my face. I felt my blood run cold and +curdle at my heart. + +I left the glass untouched, and walked out on the street. By a terrible +effort of my will, I, to some extent, shook off the terrible phantom. I +felt that if I could get some stimulants to remain on my stomach I might +escape the terrible torments that were gathering about me; and yet, at the +very thought of touching the accursed stuff again, I could see the head of +that snake, and could hear ten thousand hisses all around me, and feel it +writhing and crawling through every vein of my body; while at the same time +I was scorching and burning to death for more whisky. At that time I would +have marched across a mine with a match touched to it; I would have walked +before exploding cannons for more liquor. I went to another saloon, +thinking I might get a drink to stay on my stomach, and steady my nerves, +and give me strength to get home before I died; for I felt that this time +there could be no escape from death. This time I was afraid to touch the +bottle, and stood back, shaking and shuddering in every limb, while the +murderer poured out the whisky; and again that liquor turned to snakes, and +they crawled around the glass, and on the bar, and hissed, writhed, and +squirmed. Then in one instant they all coiled about each other, and matted +themselves into one snake, with a hundred heads; and from every head +glittering eyes gleamed, and forked tongues hissed at me. I rushed from the +saloon, and started, I did not know or care where, so that I might escape +my tormentors. I had walked but a short distance, when a dog as large as a +calf sprang up before me, and commenced to growl and snap at me. I picked +up a stick about three feet long, thinking to defend myself; but just as +soon as I took that stick in my hand, it turned to a snake. I could feel +its slimy body writhe and squirm in my hands, and in trying to hold it to +keep it from biting me, every finger-nail cut like a knife into the palm of +my hand, and the blood streamed down over that stick, that to me was a +living snake. Hell is a heaven compared to what I suffered at that time. + +At last I dashed the cursed thing from me, and ran for my life. I got to +some depot, I don't know what one, and took the cars. I didn't know or care +where I went; at about ten miles above Cincinnati I left the cars. At +times, for a little while, I could reason and understand my condition. I +found, on looking around, that I was in a little town, where a young man +lived who had been a college mate of mine. I went and told him my +condition, and he did for me everything that one friend can do for another. +But as night came on my tormentors returned in ten thousand hideous forms, +and drove me raving mad. I went to a hotel, and there they persuaded me to +lie down. Just as soon as I got to bed I reached my hand over, and it +touched a cold, dead corpse. The room lighted up with a hundred bright +lights, and that corpse, that now appeared to me like nothing that had ever +been visible in human shape, opened its large, glassy, dead eyes, and +stared me in the face. Then its whole face and form turned to a demon, and +its red eyes glared at me, and its whole face was full of passion, +fierceness and frenzy. I shrank back from the loathsome monster. On looking +around, I beheld everything in my vision turn to a living devil. Chairs, +stand, bed, and my very clothes, took shape and form, and lived; and every +one of them cursed me. Then in one corner of my room, a form, larger and +more hideous than all the others, appeared. Its look was that of a witch, +or hag, or rather like descriptions that I had read of them. It marched +right up to me, with a face and look that will haunt me to my grave. It +began to talk to me, saying that it would thrust its fingers through +my ribs, and drink my blood; then it would stick out its long, bony, +skeleton-like fingers, that looked like sharp knives, and ha! ha! Then it +said it would sit upon me and press me to hell; that it would roast me with +brimstone, and dash my burnt entrails into my eyes. Saying this, it sprang +at me, and, for what seemed to me an age, I fought the unearthly thing. At +last it said, "Let me go!" and when it did, it glided to the door, and as +it went out, gave me a fiendish look, and said, "I will soon be back, with +all the legions of hell; I will be the death of you; you shall not be alive +one hour." I left my room, and just as soon as I touched the street I +stepped on a dead body. The whole pavement and street were filled; men, and +women, and little children, lying with their pale faces turned up to +heaven; some looked as though they were asleep; others had died in awful +agony, and their faces wore horrid contortions; while some had their eyes +burst from their heads. Every time I moved I stepped on a dead body, and it +would come to life, and rear up in my face; and when I would step on a baby +corpse it would wail in a plaintive, baby wail, and its dead mother would +come to life and rush at me, while a thousand devils would curse me for +stepping on the dead. I would tremble and beg, and try to find some place +to put my feet; but the dead were in heaps, and covered the whole ground, +so that I could neither walk nor stand without being on a corpse. If I +stepped, it was on a dead body, and it would rise up and throw its arms +about me, and curse me for trampling on it; and it was in this way that I +put in that whole night. + +When light dawned the horrible objects disappeared to some extent, and by a +terrible effort I was able to control my mind, and reason on my condition. +I was weak, nervous, and sick. I thought I would eat something, and try to +gain a little strength. The very moment that I sat down to the breakfast +table, every dish on that table turned to a living, moving, horrid object. +The plates, cups, knives and forks became turtles, frogs, scorpions, and +commenced to live and move toward me. I left the table without eating a +bite. I went back to the city that day. I had but just got there when I +wanted some whisky. I took a drink. During the day I drank as many as +twenty glasses of liquor, and by evening I had got myself so steadied that +I took the cars for home. I got as far as Connersville, where I remained +during the balance of my drunk. I kept drinking for three or four days, and +then commenced to vomit again. By this time I had got so weak that it was +with the greatest effort that I could stand on my feet or walk one step. I +felt the madness coming on again with tenfold fury. My terrible fear gave +me more strength. I left the house, and started out on the road, and in an +instant I was surrounded by what seemed a million of demons and devils; it +seemed as though hell had opened up before me. The earth burst open under +my feet, and hot, rolling flame was all around me. I could feel my hair and +eyebrows scorch and burn; then in a moment everything would change. I could +hear a thousand voices, all talking to me at the same time, and every one +threatening me with some horrid death; then I would be surrounded with wild +animals, fighting and tearing each other to pieces, and glaring at me, +while devils told me they would tear me to pieces; then a tiger took my +whole arm between his bloody jaws, and mashed and mangled it to pieces, and +tore that arm from my shoulder; then some fiend, in the shape of an old +hag, would come up and pour red-hot embers into the bleeding wound, from +which my arm had been torn. When I screamed in agony, devils would laugh a +horrid, devilish laugh. I looked down and saw a jug of liquor at my feet, +and when I reached down to get it I heard the click of a hundred pistols, +and a grinning black devil threw his claws over the jug; then devils and +witches boiled the whisky. I could see it on the fire, and hear it seethe +and foam; then they danced around me, and said they had the liquor so hot +that it would scald me to death; then they pried open my mouth, and poured +it down my throat. I could feel my brain bursting out of my head, as that +boiling liquor scalded and burned my tongue out of my mouth, and that +tongue turned to a snake, and with forked tongue hissed at me. + +The next thing I found myself standing on a railroad track; I could just +see the headlight of the engine and hear the faint rumble of the cars, and +when I tried to move off the track I found I was tied with a hundred ropes. +It seemed to me there were a hundred devils up in the air, and each one had +hold of a rope that was wound around my body in such a way that I could not +move. The cars were coming closer and closer, faster and faster; the light +of the engine looked like one horrid eye of fire; I could hear the rattle +and rush of a thousand wheels; it was coming right on me with the rapidity +of lightning. I could feel the beating of my heart, and my hair stood up +and shook and shivered. The engine ran up to me and stopped, the hot smoke +and steam choking and smothering me. The devils cursed and howled because +the cars did not run over me; they said the next time there would come sure +death; then they opened the doors of the engine, and threw in cats and +dogs, men, women, and children. I could hear them scream as the hot flames +wrapped themselves about them, until they would burst open; and that engine +was red-hot. I could see the grin of skeleton demons, as, with a horrid +curse, they motioned the engine to move back; and back, back it went, until +I could just see a faint light; then, at the wild, cursing, screaming +command of my tormentors, I could hear the cars coming again, faster and +faster, closer and closer, and that engine ran at me just that way all +night. It seemed just as real, and my sufferings were just as intense, as +if it had been a reality. When morning came the devils left me, swearing +that they would come back at night, and thus I was tortured all day with +the dread of what was coming again at night. That day, as I was walking, +hens and chickens would turn into little men and women; they were dressed +up in bloody clothes; they would surround me, and pick my body full of +holes; then they would pick my eyes out, and I could see my eyes dropping +from their bloody bills. + +When night came I went to my room. I could hear voices talking in all parts +of the house. They would gather about me and whisper and talk about some +way in which they would kill me; then the windows would be full of cats, +and I could feel little kittens in my pockets; and when I walked I would +step on kittens, and they would mew, and the old cats would howl and burst +through the windows, and claw me to pieces. Then devils would take live, +howling, squalling cats, and pound me with them until I was surrounded and +walled in with dead cats. The more I suffered, and the harder I tried to +escape, the more intense seemed their joy. The room would be full of every +loathsome insect; they would crawl, fly, and buzz around me, stinging me in +the face and eyes. Then the room would fill with rats and mice, and they +would run all over me. Then ten thousand devilish forms would all rush at +me. There were human forms of every size and shape. Some of them had the +face and look of a demon, and from every part of the room their eyes glared +at me; others had their throats gashed to the very spine, while every one +of them accused me of being the cause of their misery. Then devils and +men would rush at me and pin me to the wall of my room, by driving sharp, +red-hot spikes through my body. I could see and feel the blood streaming +from my wounds until my clothes were covered with it. Then they would take +red-hot irons, and burn and scrape my flesh from my bones. They would pull +and tear my teeth out, and dash them in my face. Then they would take +sharp, crooked knife blades, and run them through my body, and tear me to +pieces, and hold up before my eyes my bleeding, burned and quivering flesh, +and it would turn to bloody, hissing snakes. Then I looked and could see my +coffin and dead body. Then I came back to life again, and I heard voices +under my head cursing me, and saying that they would bury me alive. At this +the devils seized me, and I could feel myself flying through the air. At +last they stopped, and I heard a heavy door open. They dragged me into what +they told me was a vault, and, when I tried to escape, I found nothing but +solid walls. The floor was stone, and slippery and slimy. I could hear rats +and mice running over the floor. They would run up my sleeves and down my +neck. In trying to escape from them I struck a coffin; it fell on the hard +stone floor and burst open; then the room lighted up, and the skeleton from +the burst coffin stood up before me, and a long, slimy snake crawled up and +wrapped the skeleton to the very neck; and that horrid thing of bones, with +a living snake coiled all about it, walked up to me and laid its bony +fingers on my face. No language can give the least idea of the horrid +sights and sufferings in the drunkard's madness. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +Recovery--Trip to Maine--Lecturing in that State--Dr. Reynolds, the +"Dare to do right" reformer--Return to Indianapolis--Lecturing--Newspaper +extracts--The criticisms of the press--Private letters of encouragement-- +Friends dear to memory--Sacred names. + + +After recovering from the debauch just described, which I did in the course +of two or three days, I went East to the State of Maine, where I remained +about three months, lecturing in all the principal cities, and in some of +them a number of times. In Bangor, especially, I was warmly welcomed, and I +spoke there as often as ten times, each time to a crowded house. Dr. +Reynolds, the celebrated "Dare to do right" reformer, was at that time a +resident of Bangor, and I had the honor to make his acquaintance. While in +Bangor I made my headquarters at his office, and was much benefited and +strengthened by coming in contact with him. Days and weeks passed, and I +did not taste liquor, although at times, when depressed and tired from +over-work, I found it difficult in the extreme to resist the cravings of my +appetite. + +I returned to Indianapolis in the spring of 1875. I remained in Indiana, +lecturing almost daily, or nightly, until autumn, when I again started East +on a lecturing tour, which lasted eight months. During this time I averaged +one lecture per day. At times, for the space of an entire week, I did not +get as much sleep as I needed in one night, and the work I did in those +eight months was enough to break down the strongest and healthiest +constitution. I spoke in all the more notable cities and towns of +Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine. With regard to my success, I will +let the Eastern press speak for me. It is not from any motive of vanity +that I insert the following notices of the papers, but from a wish to +establish in the minds of my readers the fact that my labor was earnest, +and not without good results. These extracts are not given in the order in +which they appeared; I insert them, taken at random, from hundreds of a +similar character. The first is from the Boston Daily Advertiser: + +"Mr. Luther Benson, of Indiana, delivered a temperance lecture last evening +in Faneuil Hall, before a large and enthusiastic audience. * * * + +"The meeting was opened with prayer by the Rev. Mr. Cooke, of the Hanover +Street Bethel, after which, Mr. E.H. Sheafe introduced the lecturer. The +temperance theme is so old and long discussed that it seemed well-nigh +impossible to present its merits in a new and attractive way, but Mr. +Benson in a simple, straightforward manner, in language clothed with the +peculiar western freedom of speech, together with an accent of marked +broadness, held the undivided attention of his audience from the beginning +of his lecture to the close. The several stories told by the speaker seemed +to exactly suit the temper of his hearers, as the frequent applause +testified, and altogether it was probably one of the most satisfactory +temperance lectures ever delivered in this city. Mr. Benson, who is a +reformed drunkard, describes his trials and struggles in overcoming the +evils of intemperance in a very impressive manner, awakening a strong +interest for the cause which he pleads. + +"During his lecture Mr. Benson paid a marked compliment to the old hall in +which he was speaking, and the liberty of speech allowed within its +portals. Total Abstinence was the one thing needed throughout the land. +There could be no such thing as moderate drinking. Prohibition should be +enforced, and great results would necessarily follow." + +From the Boston Daily Evening Traveler I clip this concerning my lecture at +Chelsea: + +"Hawthorn Hall was crowded to the very gallery last evening with an +audience assembled to listen to a lecture on temperance by Luther Benson, +Esq., of Indiana. Mr. Benson is one of the most powerful and eloquent +orators that have ever stood before an audience. For one hour and a half he +held his audience by a spell. He painted one beautiful picture after +another, and each in the very gems of the English language. He was many +times interrupted by loud bursts of applause. Words drop from his lips in +strains of such impassioned eloquence that they go directly to the hearts +of the audience, and his actions are so well suited to his words that you +can not remember a gesture. You try in vain to recall the inflection of the +voice that moved you to smiles or tears, at the speaker's will. Mr. Benson +is a young man and has only been in the lecture field a little over one +year; yet at one leap he has taken the very front rank, and is already +measuring strength with the oldest and ablest lecturers in the country." + +The next is from the Boston Daily Herald: + +"TEMPERANCE AT FANEUIL HALL. + +"The old cradle of liberty was filled last evening by a large and +appreciative audience, assembled to hear Luther Benson, a well-known +temperance advocate from Indiana. Mr. E.H. Sheafe, under whose auspices the +lecture was held, presided, and the platform was occupied by the Rev. Mr. +Cook, who offered prayer, and by Messrs. Timothy Bigelow, Esq., F.S. +Harding, Charles West, John Tobias, S.C. Knight, and other well-known +temperance workers in this city. Mr. Benson is a reformed man, and, +speaking as he did from a terrible experience, he made an excellent +impression, and proved himself an orator of tact, talent and ability. A +number of his passages were marked with true eloquence and pathos, and for +an hour and a quarter he held the closest attention of his large audience +in a manner that could only be done by those who are earnest in the cause, +and appeal directly to their hearers." + +From the Dover (N.H.) Democrat, this: + +"Luther Benson, Esq., spoke to the largest audience ever gathered in the +City Hall, last night. Notwithstanding the snow, more than fourteen hundred +people crowded themselves in the hall, while hundreds went away for want of +even standing-room. He has created a perfect storm of enthusiasm for +himself in the cause he so earnestly and eloquently advocates. Last night +was Mr. Benson's fourth speech in this city, each one delivered without +notes or manuscript, and with no repetition. He goes from here to Great +Falls and Berwick. Next Sunday he returns to this city, and speaks here for +the last time in City Hall at half past seven o'clock. There never has been +a lecturer among us that could repeatedly draw increased audiences, and +certainly no man--not even Gough--ever so stirred all classes of our people +on the subject of temperance as has Benson. The receipts at the door last +evening were about one hundred and forty dollars. A number who had +purchased tickets previous to the lecture were unable to get in the hall." + +And this from the Pittsburg (Pa.) Gazette: + +"Luther Benson, Esq., of Indiana, has just closed one of the most powerful +temperance lectures ever delivered here. The house was one solid mass of +people, with not one spare inch of standing-room. For nearly two hours he +held the audience as by magic. At the close a large number signed the +pledge, some of them the hardest drinkers here. The people are so delighted +with his good work that they have secured him for another lecture Wednesday +evening." + +The next extract is from the Manchester (N.H.) Press: + +"Smyth's Hall was completely filled, seats and standing room, at two +o'clock Sunday afternoon, with an audience which came to hear Luther +Benson. The officers of the Reform Club, clergymen and reformed drunkards +occupied seats upon the platform. Mr. Benson is a native of Indiana, and +says he has been a drunkard from six years of age. He was within three +months of graduation from college when he was expelled for drunkenness. +Then he studied for a lawyer, and was admitted to practice, being drunk +while studying, and drunk while engaged in a case. At length he reduced +himself to poverty, pawning all he had for drink. At length he started to +reform, and though he had once fallen, he was determined to persevere. +Since his reformation two years ago he had been giving temperance lectures. +He is a young man, a powerful, swinging sort of speaker, with a good +command of language, original, with peculiar intonation, pronunciation and +idioms, sometimes rough, but eminently popular with his audiences. He spoke +for an hour and a half steadily, wiping the perspiration from his face at +intervals, taking up the greater part of his address with his personal +experience. He said he had had delirium tremens several times, once for +fifteen days, and gave an exceedingly minute and graphic description of his +torments. A number of men signed the pledge at the close of the meeting, +Among them was one man, who sat in front of the audience and kept drinking +from a bottle he had, evidently in a spirit of bravado, but at the +conclusion of the address he signed the pledge, crying like a child." + +From the Saltsburg Press, of Pennsylvania, I copy the following: + +"On Monday evening, 29th inst., the people of our staid and quiet little +town had their dormant spirits stirred to their inmost depths, by an +eloquent and thrilling lecture delivered in the Presbyterian church by +Luther Benson, Esq., a native of Indianapolis, Indiana, who chose for his +topic "Total Abstinence." He opened his lecture by delineating in the most +touching and beautiful language the almost heavenly happiness resulting in +a total abstinence from all intoxicating beverages, and by his well-aimed +contrasts demonstrated that, in the use of those beverages, even in a +temperate degree, there was but one result--drunkenness and eternal death. +He was no advocate of temperance; that is, the temperate use of anything +hurtful. Did not believe that anything vicious could be tampered with, +without harm coming from it. He argued to a final and satisfactory +conclusion, that in the use of alcoholic beverages there could be no such +thing as temperance; that the man who took a drink now and then would make +it convenient to take more drinks now than he would then, and in the end +would as surely fill a drunkard's grave as the man who persistently abused +the beverage in its use. His description of the two paths through life was +a most beautiful word picture. That of sobriety leading through bright +green fields, over flowery plains, by pleasant rivulets, where all was +peace and harmony, and over which the spirit of heaven itself seemed to +brood and watch; and that of drunkenness, in which all the miseries and +tortures of the imaginary hell were concentrated in a living death; of +blighted hopes, of wasted life, of ruined homes, of broken hearts, of a +conscience goaded to an insanity--to a madness--to fairly wallow in the +Lethean draft, that memory might be robbed of its poignant goadings; that +the poor, helpless, and degraded victim might escape its horrors in +oblivion. + +"He had been a victim in the toils of the monster for fifteen years; had +endured all the horrors it inflicted upon its votaries during that time, +and made an eloquent appeal to the young men present to choose the right +way and walk therein. He pictured the inevitable result in new and +convincing arguments holding up his own almost hopeless case as a warning. +His description of delirium tremens, while it was frightful, was not +overdrawn. He told the simple truth, as any one who has passed through the +horrible ordeal can testify. + +"We have not space to follow Mr. Benson through his lecture, which was +truly original in language, style and delivery. He is a lawyer by +profession, about twenty-eight years, and is wonderfully gifted with a +pleasing way, rapidly flowing and eloquent language, that carries to the +audience the conviction that he is in earnest in the work of total +abstinence; that in the effort to reclaim himself he will leave nothing +undone to save those who may have started out in life impressed with the +belief that there is pleasure and enjoyment under the influence of +intoxication. That he will accomplish good there is no doubt. He goes into +the work under the influence of the Holy Spirit; maintaining that the grace +of God alone can work a thorough reformation. We have heard Gough lecture, +but maintain that the eloquent, forcible, humorous, pathetic, and +convincing language of Mr. Benson is of a better and higher order, and will +prove more effectual in touching the hearts of those who stand upon the +verge of ruin. + +"Mr. Benson will lecture this (Tuesday) evening, in the Presbyterian +church. Doors open at 6:30; lecture commencing at 7:30. The lecture this +evening will be on a different subject, and no part of the lecture of last +evening will be repeated. + +"As a result of the lecture Monday evening, one hundred and sixty-two +persons signed the pledge." + +With reference to the lecture delivered at Faneuil Hall, the Boston +Temperance Album gives the succeeding synopsis: + +"Mr. Benson, on being introduced, paid the following eloquent tribute to +the Hall: + +"Ladies and gentlemen: It is with emotions such as I have never experienced +upon any former occasion, that I stand before you to-night in this, the +birthplace of American liberty. It was in this hall that was first +inaugurated the grand march of revolution and liberty that has gilded the +page of the history of our time with the most glorious achievements of the +patriot that the world has ever had to admire. It was here that was +inaugurated those immortal principles that caused revolution to rise in +fire, and go down in freedom, amid the ruins and relics of oppression. It +was here that the beacon of liberty first blazed, and the rainbow of +freedom rose on the cloud of war; and as a result, of the patriotism and +heroism of our forefathers, liberty has erected her altars here in the very +garden of the globe, and the genius of the earth worship at her feet. And +here in this garden of the West, here in this land of aspiring hope, where +innocence is equity, and talent is triumph, the exile from every land finds +a home where his youth may be crowned with happiness, and the sun of life's +evening go down with the unmolested hope of a glorious immortality. Who is +not proud of being an American citizen, and walking erect and secure under +the Stars and Stripes? + +"If there be a place on earth where the human mind, unfettered by +tyrannical institutions, may rise to the summit of intellectual grandeur, +it is here. If there be a country where the human heart, in public and in +private, may burst forth in unrestrained adulation to the God that made it, +it is here, where the immortal heroes and patriots of more than one hundred +years ago succeeded in establishing these United States, as the 'land of +the free and the home of the brave.' Here, then, human excellence must +attain to the summit of its glory. Mind constitutes the majesty of man, +virtue his true nobility. The tide of improvement which is now flowing like +another Niagara through the land, is destined to flow on down to the latest +posterity, and it will bear on its mighty bosom our virtues, or our vices, +our glory, or our shame, or whatever else we may transmit as an +inheritance. Thus it depends upon ourselves whether the moth of immortality +and the vampire of luxury shall prove the overthrow of this country, or +whether knowledge and virtue, like pillars, shall support her against the +whirlwinds of war, ambition, corruption, and the remorseless tooth of time. +And while assembled here to-night, in this, the very cradle of liberty, let +us not forget that there are evils to be shunned and avoided by us as +individuals and as a common people. + +"It is about one of these evils that is threatening the stability, +prosperity, and happiness of this whole country that I would talk to you +to-night. Let us approach near to each other and talk, if possible, soul to +soul, and heart to heart, I would talk to you to-night of liberty, that +liberty that frees us, body, soul, and spirit, from the slavery of the +intoxicating bowl; a slavery more soul-wearing and life-destroying than any +Egyptian bondage. Why, it is but a few years ago that this whole continent +rocked to its very center on the question as to whether human slavery +should endure upon its soil! That was but the slavery of the body, a +slavery for this life; and that was bad enough, but the slavery about which +I talk to you is a slavery not only of the body, but of the soul, and of +the spirit; a slavery not only for this life, but a slavery that goes +beyond the gates of the tomb, and reaches out into an infinite eternity. +The slavery of intoxication, unlike human slavery, is confined to no +particular section, climate, or society; for it wars on all mankind. It has +for its home this whole world. It has the flesh for its mother and the +devil for its father. It stands out a headless, heartless, eyeless, +earless, soulless monster of gigantic and fabulous proportions." + +As a _very few_ persons have said my labors in the cause of Temperance were +not, and are not, productive of good, I will give just very short extracts +from a number of letters which I have received from persons who ought to +know: + + FRANKFORT, IND., October 18, 1875. + + LUTHER BENSON, ESQ.--_My Dear Sir_--Yours of the 14th is before me + for answer, and, although very busily engaged in court, I can not + refrain from answering at some length. First, I will say, "I have + kept the faith." Though "the fight" is not yet over, my + emancipation from the terrible thralldom is measurably complete. + Occasional twinges of appetite yet admonish me to maintain my + vigilance. It was while struggling with one of these that your + letter came like a messenger from heaven to encourage and + strengthen me. Not a day passes but that I think of you, and to + your wise counsel and affectionate admonition, under Providence, I + owe my beginning and continuance in this well-doing. * * * May the + Lord spare you to "open the lips of truth" to those who, like + myself, will perish without a revelation of their danger. With high + esteem and sincere affection, I am, ever your friend, ---- + + + + SALEM, MASS., October 29, 1875. + + BRO. BENSON--I write you these few lines to cheer your heart, and + assure you that your labor in Salem has not been in vain in the + Lord's cause (the Temperance Reform). Our friend and brother, ----, + from Beverly, was over at our meeting on Wednesday evening last, + and it would do your heart good to see the change in him. He will + never forget Luther Benson, for it was your first speech in Salem + that saved him. ---- + +I desire now to come down to the very near present, as some claim that my +late _afflictions_ and sore misfortunes have extinguished my capacity for +good: + + MEMPHIS, MO., Feb. 14, 1878. + + DEAR BENSON--I know of my personal knowledge that you did a grand + work here. Bro. B., you remember my pointing out to you a Dr. ----, + and telling you what a persecutor of churches he was, and how hard + he drank. He in two nights after you were here signed the pledge, + and in telling his experience, said that you saved him--that no + other person had ever been able to impress him as you did. + + Truly, ---- + + + + ----, Jan. 1, 1878. + + MY VERY DEAR FRIEND--I wish I could be with you and knee with you + as in the past, and hear your faith in God. Here is my hand + forever. You have done more for me than all the shepherds on the + bleak hillsides of this black world. + + Lovingly, ---- + + + + TERRE HAUTE, IND., Feb. 22, 1878. + + DEAR BENSON--You have done more for me than all the men and women + on earth. One year ago I heard you lecture on Temperance in + Lafayette. Then I was a poor outcast drunkard; you saved me. I am + now a sober man and a Christian. ---- + +I could furnish thousands of such testimonials as the above, but deem these +sufficient to convince any honest person that my toil is not in vain. + +From one of the journals of my native State I clip the concluding extract: + +"Luther Benson, the gifted inebriate orator, is still struggling against +the demon of strong drink. He spoke at Jeffersonville recently, and in the +middle of his discourse became so chagrined and disheartened at his +repeated failures at reform, that he took his seat and burst into a flood +of tears. He has since connected himself with the church, and has professed +religion. May his new resolves and associations strengthen him in the line +of duty. But, like the man among the tombs, the demons of appetite have +taken full possession of his soul, and riot in every vein and fiber of his +being. It is a fearful thraldom to be encompassed with the wild +hallucinations begotten through a life of dissipation and debauchery. The +strongest resolves at reform are broken as ropes of sand. All the moral +faculties are made tributary to the one ruling passion--drink, drink, +drink! But still his repeated resolves and heroic efforts betoken a +greatness of soul rarely witnessed. May he yet live to see the devils that +so sorely beset him running furiously down a steep place into the sea, and +sink forever from his annoyance. But when they do come out of the man, +instead of entering a herd of heedless swine for their coursers to the +deep, may they ride, booted and spurred, every saloon-keeper who has +contributed to make Luther Benson what he is, to the very verge of despair, +and to the brink of hell's yawning abyss." + +I might give many more well written and flattering criticisms, but from the +foregoing the reader can determine in what estimation to hold my labor. For +myself I am not solicitous for anything beyond escape from my thraldom, and +that peace which is the sure accompaniment of a temperate Christian life. +If I thought that my readers were of the opinion held by some of my enemies +that my lectures have not been productive of good, I could quote from +numberless private letters received from all parts of the land, in which I +am assured of the good results which have crowned my humble efforts--in +which I am told of very many instances where my words of entreaty and +self-humiliation have been the means of bringing back from the darkness and +death of intemperance, fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers who were on +the road to destruction. I have letters from the wives, mothers, and +sisters of these men, invoking the blessings of heaven upon me for the +peace and happiness thus restored to them. I have letters from little +children thanking me also for giving them back their fathers, and I thank +God from the depths of my torn and desolate heart that I have been the +humble instrument of good in these cases. In my darkest hours, when I feel +that all is lost, when hope seems to soar away from me to the far-off +heavens from which she first descended to this world, these letters, which +I often read, and over which I have so often wept grateful tears, give me +strength and courage to face the struggle before me. My most earnest prayer +to God has been that I may do some good to compensate in some measure for +the talent which he gave me, and which I have so sadly wasted. I have +avoided mentioning the names of the many dear friends who have not forsaken +me in this last extremity. As I write, name after name, dear to memory, +crowds into my mind. I can hardly refrain from giving them a place on these +pages, but to mention a few would be manifestly unjust to the remainder, +and it is out of my power to print all of them in the space which could be +afforded in this small book. But I wish to assure every man and woman who +has ever given me a kind word of encouragement, or even a kind look, that +they are not and never will be forgotten. Whatever my future fate may be, +you did your duty, and God will bless you. Your names are all sacred to me. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +At home again--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Downward to hell--Conceive the +idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in +company with Gen. Macauley--Separate from him at Buffalo--I go on to New +York alone--Trading clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey +City--In the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In +court--"John Dalton"--"Here! your honor"--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At +the residence of Junius Brutus Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go +to Boston--Attend the Moody and Sankey meetings--Get drunk--Home once +more--Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadow which +whispered--"Go away!" + + +I returned home from this second tour in the Eastern States in April, 1876, +with shattered nerves and weary brain, but instead of resting, I went on +lecturing until my overworked mind and body could no longer hold out, and +then it was, after nearly two years of sobriety, that I once more fell. For +weeks before this disaster overtook me, I was actually an irresponsible +maniac. My pulse was never lower than one hundred to the minute, and much +of the time it ran up to one hundred and twenty. I was so weak that with +all my energy aroused I could only move about with feeble steps, and a +constant anxiety and longing for something to drink preyed upon me. I was +not content to remain in one place, but wanted to be going somewhere all +the time, I cared not where. In this condition I dragged along my existence +for weeks, until at last, driven to a frenzy, reason fled, and I plunged +headlong into the horrors of another debauch. My downward course appeared +to be accelerated by the very struggles which I had made to rise during the +past two years. The moment I recovered from one horrible spell another more +fierce seized me and plunged me into the very depths of hell. I now +conceived the idea of getting some one to travel with me, thinking that by +this means I could perhaps throw off the morbid gloom and melancholy which +hung over me. But again I did the very thing I should not have done--I +lectured. + +On the 30th of September, 1876, I started from Indianapolis, in company +with Gen. Dan. Macauley, on a third lecturing tour East. I was drunk when +we started, and remained in that accursed state during the journey. At +Buffalo, New York, we got separated, thence I went to New York city alone, +where I continued drinking until I had no money. I then commenced to pawn +my clothes--first, my vest; second, a pair of new boots, worth fourteen +dollars; I got a quart of whisky, an old and worn-out pair of shoes, and +ten cents in money, for my boots. I drank up the whisky, and traded off my +overcoat. It was worth sixty dollars. I realized about five cents on the +dollar, and all the horrors of all hells ever heard of, for I was attacked +with the delirium tremens. By some means, of which I am entirely ignorant, +I got across the river, into Jersey City, and was there arrested and lodged +in the calaboose, in which I remained from Saturday until the following +Monday. I suffered more in the forty-eight hours embraced in that time +than I ever before or since suffered in the same length of time. I do not +know the hour, but it was getting dark on that Saturday evening, when I got +deathly sick, and commenced vomiting. I continued vomiting until Monday. +Nothing that I swallowed would remain on my stomach. About eight o'clock +Saturday evening the authorities, the police officers, put a large number +of men and boys, who were arrested for being drunk, in the room in which +I was confined. By midnight there were fourteen of us in a small, +poorly-ventilated, dirty room. Planks extended around the room on three +sides, and on these those who could get a place lay down. Among the number +of "drunks" imprisoned with me were some of the worst and largest roughs of +Jersey City, and these inhuman wretches, in the absence of the police, +threatened; to take my life if I vomited again. In the room adjoining ours +a madman was confined, and I don't think he ceased kicking and screaming a +moment from Saturday night until Monday. In the room just across the narrow +hall, fronting ours, was an insane woman, who swore she had two souls, one +of which was in hell! She, too, kept up an incessant, piteous wailing, +begging some one, ever and anon, with piercing screams, to bring back her +lost soul! Indianapolis is more civilized than Jersey City in respect to +her prisons, but not with respect to her police. And I am pretty sure that, +as managed by its present superintendent, the unfortunate insane are in no +other State cared for as they are in the Indiana asylum, and in no other +State is the appropriation for running such a noble institution so beggarly +as in ours. I have visited other asylums, and am now an inmate of this, and +I know whereof I speak. + +The reader may have a faint idea of my sufferings while in the Jersey City +calaboose when I tell him that the least noise pierced my brain like a +knife. I can in fancy and in my dreams hear the wild screams of that woman +yet. On Monday morning we were marched together to a room, and I saw that +there were about fifty persons all told under arrest. Among the number were +many women, and I write with sorrow that their language was more profane +and indecent than that of the men. I stood as in a nightmare and heard +the judge say from time to time--"Five dollars"--"Ten dollars"--"Ten +days"--"Fifteen days"--and so on. I was so weak that I found it almost out +of my power to stand up, and as the various sentences were pronounced my +heart gave a quick throb of agony. I felt that a sentence of ten days would +kill me. At this moment "John Dalton" was called. I answered "Here, your +Honor!" for Dalton was the name I had assumed. My offense was read--and the +officer who arrested me volunteered the statement that I was not +disorderly, and that I had not been creating any disturbance. I felt called +upon to plead my own case before the judge, and without waiting for his +permission I began to speak. It was life or death with me, and for ten +minutes I spoke as I never spoke before and have never spoken since. I +pierced through his judicial armor and touched his pity, else the fear of +being talked to death influenced him, to discharge me with the generous +advice to leave the city. Either way I was free, and was not long in +getting across the river into New York, where I succeeded in finding +General Macauley who saw that my toilet was once more arranged in a +respectable manner. That night we started for Boston, and arrived there on +Tuesday morning. I got drunk immediately and remained drunk until Saturday, +on which memorable day I went in company with the General to Junius Brutus +Booth's residence, at Manchester, Mass., where I staid, well provided for, +until I got sober. I then began to fill my engagements, and for six weeks +lectured almost every day and night. I again broke down and came home. I +finally got sober once more and did not drink anything until in January +last, when I again fell. I went to Jeffersonville to lecture, and while +there became converted. Had I then ceased to work and given my worn-out +body and mind a much needed rest, I would have to-day been standing up +before the world a free and happy man. But my desire to see and tell every +one of the new joy which I had found controlled me, and for six weeks I +spoke every day, and often twice a day. I started east again and went to +Boston. I attended the Moody and Sankey meetings, but was troubled with I +know not what. All the time an unnatural feeling seemed to have possession +of me. + +One afternoon, just after getting off my knees from prayer, a strange spell +came over me and before I could realize what I was doing, the devil hurried +me into a saloon, where I began to drink recklessly, and knew nothing more +for two or three days. Then I awoke, I knew not where. Some of my friends +found me and sent me home. I now suffered more mental torture than I +experienced on sobering up from any other spree I was ever on. I believed +firmly that I was saved; that my appetite for liquor was forever gone. I +felt now that there was no hope for me. Oh, the despairing days and long +black nights of agony unspeakable that followed this debauch! In time I +recovered physical health, and began to lecture, though under greater +difficulties than ever before. I was so harrassed by my own shame and the +world's doubts that within a month I again got drunk. While on this spree +my friends made out the necessary papers, and I was committed to the +Indiana Hospital for the Insane. Here, then, I am to-day, very near the end +of my most wretched and misspent life. How can I tell the emotions which +swell in my heart? It is on the record of this asylum that I was brought +here June 4th, a victim of intemperance. Everything is being done for me +that can be done, but I feel that my case is hopeless unless help comes +from above. Ordinarily restraint and proper attention to diet and rest +would in time cure aggravated cases of that peculiar insanity which +manifests itself in an abnormal and excessive demand for liquor. But with +me the spell returns after months of sobriety with a force which I am +powerless to resist, as the reader has seen in the several instances given +in this autobiography. The rule of treatment for patients here varies with +the different characters of the patients. The impressions which I had +formed of insane asylums was very different from those which have come from +my sojourn among the insane. There is less screaming and violence than I +thought there would be, and for most of the time the wards in which the +better class of patients are confined are as still and apparently as +peaceful as a home circle. The horror experienced during the first week's, +or first two weeks' confinement wears off, and one gradually forgets that +he is in a house for the mad. Many amusing cases come under my observation, +but there are others which excite various feelings of pity, disgust, fear, +and horror. There is, for instance, a man in "my ward" who imagines that he +has murdered all his relations. Another believes that he swallowed and +carries within him a living mule which compels him to walk on his hands as +well as his feet. One poor fellow can not be convinced but assassins are +hourly trying to stab or shoot him. One is afraid to eat for fear of being +poisoned, and another wants to disembowel himself. Twice a day the wards, +which number from thirty to forty patients under the charge of two +attendants, one or the other of whom is constantly on duty, are taken out +for a walk in the beautiful grounds around the asylum. Sometimes, when it +is thought that the patient will be benefited, and when he is really well +but still not in a condition to be discharged, he is allowed the freedom of +the grounds. After I had been here two weeks I was permitted to go out on +the grounds alone. But my feelings are about the same outside the building +as inside. Even as I write I feel that there is a devil within me which is +demanding me to go away from this place. I want whisky, and would at this +moment barter my soul for a pint of the hellish poison. I have now been +here a little over a month. Like all the other patients, I am kindly +treated. Our beds are clean, and our food is well prepared, such as it is, +and it is really much better than could be expected on the appropriation +made by the last Legislature. I doubt if there is another institution of +the kind in the United States that can be compared with this in the +ability, justice, kindness, and noble and unswerving honesty of its +management. Dr. Everts, the superintendent, is a gentleman whom I have not +the honor to know personally, but whose commanding intelligence, and +equally great heart, are venerated by all who do know him. + +This is the fourth day of July, and I have written to my friends to come +and take me away--for what purpose I dare not think. I am utterly desolate +and miserable, and dare not look forward to the future, for I dread to face +the uncertain and unknown TO-COME. To stay here is worse than madness, in +my present condition, and to go away may be death. O, that some power +higher than earth would reach forth a hand and save me from myself! I can +not remain here without abusing the kindness and trust of a great +institution, nor can I go away, I fear, without bringing disgrace on my +friends, and shame and death on myself. God of mercy, help me! I know how +useless it would be to lock me up in solitary confinement, and I think my +attendant physician also feels that I can not be saved by any means within +the reach of the asylum. With others not insane, but cursed with that +insanity for drink which, if not checked, will soon or late lead to the +destruction of reason and life itself, there is a chance to restore them +from the curse to a life of honor and usefulness, and no means should be +left untried which may ultimately save them, especially the young who, but +for this curse infernal, might rise to a useful and even august manhood. + +The shadows of the evening are settling upon the face of the earth. Now and +then the report of a cannon in the direction of the city recalls what day +it is, and I am reminded that crowds are thronging the streets for the +purpose of witnessing the display of holiday fireworks; but vain to me such +mimicry. A tall and mysterious shadow, more dark and awful than any which +will steal among the graves of the old churchyard to-night, has risen and +now stands beside whispering in the stillness--"Go away!" + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My friends +consult with the officers of the institution--I am discharged--Go +to Indianapolis and get drunk--My wanderings and horrible sufferings-- +Alcohol--The tyrant whom all should slay--What is lost by the drunkard--Is +anything gained by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It +leads to ruin and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at +present--The end. + + +After writing the words "go away," which close the preceding chapter, I lay +down and tried to compose my thoughts, but the effort was futile. I passed +a sleepless night, and when morning came I had fully resolved to leave the +hospital if in my power to do so. During the forenoon I took up my pencil a +number of times for the purpose of writing, but I was so disturbed in mind +that I could not write a line intelligibly, and I will here say that from +that day, July fifth, to this, September fifteenth, the manuscript remained +untouched in the hands of a very dear friend, to whom I am under many +obligations for his clear advice and judgment on matters of this sort as +well as on others. I will now write this, the fifteenth and last chapter of +this book; and in order to make the story of my life complete up to this +date, I will go back and resume the thread of the narrative where it was +left off on the evening of the fourth of July. It will be remembered that +in my last chapter I spoke of having written letters to some of my friends +desiring them to come and ask for my discharge. I awaited impatiently their +coming, but when they came, which was on the sixth of July, I think, they +were undecided whether it would be better for me to "go away," or remain +longer at the asylum, but I plead to go, as if my life depended upon it. +After consultation with the authorities at the hospital, who were clearly +of the opinion that they had no right to detain me under the circumstances, +and who, therefore, felt it incumbent upon them to discharge me, +particularly if my friends were willing, it was by all parties decided that +I should go. I felt glad in my heart that the institution was relieved of +all responsibility in my case, for I did not wish to bring reproach upon +anyone, and I feared if I remained longer I might take some rash step +(abusing the generous kindness of my officers) that would do so. They had +done their whole duty by me, and it remained for me now to do my duty to +myself and friends. But as soon as I got to Indianapolis the pent-up fires +of appetite blazed forth, and while on the way to the Union Depot to take +the train to Rushville, I gave my friends the slip, and, sneaking like a +thief through the alleys, I sought and found an obscure saloon in which I +secreted myself and began to drink. I was once more on the road which leads +to perdition. The old enemy, who had crawled up the walls of the asylum and +slimed himself through my grated windows, and coiled around my heart in +frightful dreams, again had me in his possession. Thus began one of the +most maniacal and terrible drunks of my life. I became possessed of the +wildest and most unreal thoughts that ever entered a crazed brain. I abused +and misrepresented my best friends, and cursed everything but the thrice +cursed liquor which was burning up my body and soul. I told absurd and +terrible stories about the places where I had been, and about the friends +who had done most for me. I was insane--as utterly so for the time as the +worst case in the asylum. I knew not what I did or said, and yet my actions +and words were cunningly contrived to deceive. + +For the greater part of the fifteen days which followed I was as +unconscious of what I did or said as if I had been dead and buried in the +bottom of the sea. What I know of the time I have learned since from the +lips of others. The hideous, fiendish serpent of drunkenness possessed my +whole being. I felt him in every nerve, bone, sinew, fiber, and drop of +blood in my body. There were moments when a glimmer of reason came to me, +and with it a pang that shriveled my soul. During the period that I was +drinking I was in Rushville, after leaving Indianapolis, Falmouth and +Cambridge City. Of course, for the most part of the time, I knew not where +I was. As I think of it now, I know that I was in hell. My thirst for +whisky was positively maddening. I tried every means to quit, when +conscious of my existence: I voluntarily entered the calaboose more than +once, and was locked up, but the instant I got out, the madness caused me +to fly where liquor was. I drank it in enormous quantities, and smothered +without quenching the scorching, blazing fires of hell which were making +cinders and ashes of every hope and energy of my being. I made my bed among +serpents; I fed on flames and poison; I walked with demons and ghouls; all +unutterable and slimy monsters crawled around and over me; every breath +that I drew reeked with the odor of death; every beat of my fast-throbbing +heart sent the hissing, boiling blood through my veins, which returned and +froze about it. I have neither words nor images sufficiently horrible to +typify my condition. I became, for the time an abhorred object; the sex of +my sainted mother made a wide sweep to pass me by, and dear, little, +innocent children fled from me as from a monster. My soul was no longer my +own. The fiend Appetite had given it over, bound and helpless, to the fiend +Alcohol. I turned by bleared vision towards the vaulted skies, and cursed +them because they did not rain fire and brimstone down upon me and destroy +me. And yet, oh! how I dreaded to die! The grave opened before me, and a +million horrors were in its hollow and black chasm. The scalding tears I +shed gave me no relief; the cries I uttered were unheard; and every ear was +deaf to my pleadings. At times I thought of the asylum, and I would have +given worlds could I have retraced my steps, and slept once more securely +within its merciful and protecting walls. O, God! I screamed, why did I +leave it? As day after day dragged its endless length along, and no relief +came, my despair was a delirium of wretchedness. The sun appeared to be +extinguished, and the universe was a void of black, impenetrable darkness, +out of which, before and after me, rose the hideous specters, Death and +Annihilation. The unimaginable horrors of the tremens were upon me. + +Once more hear my voice, you who read! Lose no opportunity to strike a blow +at intemperance. It may smile in the rosy face of youth, but do not be +deceived; there are agonies unspeakable hidden beneath that smile. Look not +on the wine cup when it is red, no matter if the jeweled hand of a princess +hold it between you and the light. It is the beginning whose end is +degradation, remorse, misery and death! Turn from a glass of beer as from a +goblet of reeking and poisoned blood. It is a danger to be shunned. Beware +that you do not learn this too late. + +Alcohol, ruin, and death go hand in hand. The region over which Alcohol is +king is one of decay. It is full of graves. The ghosts of the million joys, +he has slain wail amid its ghastly desolations; there are sounds of sobbing +orphans there; echoes of widows' shrieks; and the lamentations of fond +mothers and wives, heart-broken, vex the realm; youth and age lie here +dishonored together; in vain the sweetheart begs her lover to return from +its fatal mists; in vain the pure sister calls with trembling tongue for +her erring brother. He will not come back. He is the slave of a tyrant who +has no compassion and knows no mercy. Oppose this tyrant, all ye who love +the home circle better than the bawdy house; fight him all ye who set honor +above dishonor; curse him all ye who prefer peace to discord, and law to +anarchy; war against him in all ways unceasingly all ye to whom the thought +of liberty and safety is dear, to whom happiness and truth are more +desirable than misery and falsehood. + +What, let me ask, is to be gained by drinking? What blessing comes from +forming or indulging the habit? Pause here and think well before you +answer. You could not afford to drink if the wealth of a nation were yours, +because no man can afford to lose health and happiness if he hopes +enjoyment in life. If you are strong, alcohol will destroy your nerves and +sap your vigor. If you are weak, it will enfeeble you the more. If you are +unhappy, it will only add to your unhappiness. Look at the subject as you +will, you can not afford to drink intoxicating liquors. The moment you +begin to form the habit of drinking that moment you begin to endanger your +reputation, health and happiness, and that of your family and friends also. +And let me say right now that you begin to form the habit when you touch +your lips to any sort of intoxicating drink the first time. I have drank +the sparkle and foam, and the gall and wormwood of all liquors. Do you envy +me the horrors through which I have passed? You know how to avoid them. +Never touch liquor. If you are bent on going to hell and destruction, +choose a nearer and more honorable way by blowing your brains out at once. + +A few words more, dear readers, and I will bid you good by. Many of you +have no doubt heard of my restored peace and lasting favor with God at +Fowler, Indiana. With regard to it and my condition at the present time, I +will incorporate in substance the letter which I recently published in +reply to inquiries addressed to me from all parts of the country, shortly +after that event. I will give the letter with but little change, even at +the risk of repeating what is elsewhere recorded. It is as follows: + +On the evening of January twenty-first, 1877, at Jeffersonville, Indiana, +God pardoned my sins and made me a new creature. For weeks happiness and +joy were mine. The appetite--rather my passion--for liquor, which made the +present a misery and the future a darkness, was no longer present. Its +heavy burdens had fallen from me. Of this there could be no doubt; but I +had been educated to believe that "once in grace always in grace," and this +led to a fatal deception, a belief that I could not fall; that after God +had once pardoned my sins I was as surely saved as if already in Paradise. +That they were pardoned I had not a doubt, for the manifestations were as +clear as light. Falsely thinking that I was pardoned for all time, my soul +grew self-reliant: I became at the same time careless of my religious +duties. I neglected to pray, to beware of temptation, and, naturally +enough, soon found myself drifting into the society of those who neither +loved nor feared God. Had I trusted alone in God and permitted the Savior +to lead and keep me, I should not have fallen. Instead, I went back to the +world, gave no thanks to God for his mercy and love, and thus dishonoring +him, his face was hidden from me. + +I went to Boston to speak in Moody and Sankey's meeting. I never once hoped +by so doing to be the means of others' salvation; my sole thought was self +and selfish ambition. Instead of talking at the Moody meeting, I took a +drink of liquor, soon got drunk, and so remained for days. When I came out +of the oblivion of that debauch, the agony experienced was terrible. All +the shames, all the burning regrets, all the stinging compunctions of +conscience I had known on coming out of such debauches before my conversion +were almost as joy compared with the misery which preyed upon my heart +then. I can not describe the hopeless feeling of remorse which came over +me. I lived and moved in a night of misery and no star was in its sky. In +the course of a few days I recovered physically so far as to be able to +lecture. I prayed in secret, long and often, for a return of that peace +which comes from God alone, but in vain. I was justly self-punished. At the +end of four or five weeks I fell again, and this time my degradation was +deeper than before. I would at times console myself with the thought that +my suffering had reached the limit of endurance, and at such times new and +still keener agonies would rise in my heart, like harpies, to tear me to +atoms. + +It was at this time that I was committed to the Hospital for the Insane at +Indianapolis. The reader is aware of what took place on my arrival at +Indianapolis, after leaving the hospital. I felt somehow that it was my +last spree. I kept it up until nature could endure no more. I felt that my +stomach was burned up, and that my brain was scalded. I was crucified from +my head to the soles of my feet. I began to feel sure that this time I +would die, and, when dead, go to the hell which seemed to be open to +receive me. July twenty-first I left Indianapolis, and went to Fowler, +Indiana, at which place, for five days and nights, I suffered every mental +and physical pang that can afflict mortal man. Day and night I prayed God +to be merciful, but no relief came. The dark hopelessness in which I lay I +can not describe. I felt that I was undeserving of God's pardon or mercy. I +had wronged myself, and my friends more than myself; I had trampled upon +the love of Christ; I had loved myself amiss and lost myself. The Christian +people of Fowler prayed for me; they called a prayer-meeting especially for +me, to ask God to have mercy on and save me. On Wednesday night I went to +the regular prayer-meeting, and, with a breaking heart, begged, on +bended knee, that God would take compassion on me. The next day, July +twenty-sixth, was the most wretched day I ever passed on earth. It seemed +that whichsoever way I turned, hell's fiercest fires lapped up around my +feet. There seemed no escape for me. Like that scorpion girt with flames, +flee in any direction I would, I found the misery and suffering increasing. +I resolved to commit suicide, but when just in the act of taking my life +the Spirit of God restrained me. I met the Rev. Frank Taylor, the pastor at +Fowler. I told him my hopeless condition. He cheered me in every way +possible. In the evening we took a walk, and it was during this walk, while +in the act of reaching my hand down to my pocket to get a chew of tobacco, +that I felt a power hold back my hand, and, plainer than any spoken words, +this same power told me not to touch it. I obeyed, withdrew my hand, and at +that instant the glory of God filled my heart, suffering fled from me, and +in its stead came sweet peace. + +I had been using enormous quantities of tobacco, and the use of this +narcotic increased, if it did not aid in bringing on my appetite for +liquor. I have at times suffered keenly from suddenly renouncing its use, +but from the time God fully restored me I have not tasted nor touched +tobacco and whisky or any other stimulants. Do not understand me as saying +that the appetite for them is dead, or that I have had no hours of +depression and struggle in which the old Satan tempted me. I expect all my +life to wage a battle against him, and to know what sorrow is and pain. But +by the grace of God I will dare to do right, and with his help I mean to be +victorious in every fight against sin. I will abase myself with a trusting +heart, and shrink from all self-esteem at war with the true principles to +which a follower of Christ should cling. I will grind myself to dust if by +so doing I may have God's grace. I fully realize that left to myself I am +nothing. Jesus is not only my Savior; he shall be my guide in all things. +His precious blood has redeemed me, and I am at rest in the shadow of the +Rifted Rock. Peace dwells within me, and joy and praise to the Father of +all mercies fill my soul. To that Father Almighty be the praise. I +earnestly desire the prayers of all Christian men and women. Every time you +pray ask God to keep and save me with a salvation which shall be +everlasting. + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL *** + +***** This file should be named 13332.txt or 13332.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/3/3/13332/ + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Christopher Lund and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/13332.zip b/old/13332.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7782009 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13332.zip |