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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:52 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:40:52 -0700 |
| commit | 06e581936bf36fee8c55fe2a4781244da3457375 (patch) | |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12866-0.txt b/12866-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..581de73 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1303 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 17, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION. + +DRAWING A BADGER.] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S. + +_BEFORE THE EFFIGY OF DR. KOCH, WHO IS REPRESENTED IN THE ACT OF +EXAMINING A TEST-TUBE WITH THE EXPRESSION OF BLAND BLAMELESSNESS +PECULIAR TO WAX MODELS._ + +_Well-informed Visitor_. That's Dr. KOCH, making his great discovery! + +[Illustration] + +_Unscientific V._ What did _he_ discover? + +_Well-inf. V._ Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got it in that +bottle he's holding up. + +_Unsc. V._ And what's the good of it, now he _has_ discovered it? + +_Well-inf. V._ Good? Why, it's the thing that causes _consumption_, +you know! + +_Unsc. V._ Then it's a pity he didn't leave it alone! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING "THE HOME LIFE AT SANDRINGHAM."_ + +_First Old Lady_ (_with Catalogue_). It says here that "the note +the page is handing _may_ have come from Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the +Comptroller of the Royal Household" Fancy _that_! + +_Second Old Lady_. He's brought it in in his fingers. Now _that_'s a +thing I never allow in _my_ house. I always tell SARAH to bring all +letters, and even circulars, in on a tray! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING THE LATE FRED ARCHER, MOUNTED, ON ASCOT +RACE-COURSE._ + +_A. Sportsman_. H'm--ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have backed his mount in +_that_ race! + +_BEFORE "THE LIBRARY AT HAWARDEN."_ + +_Gladstonian Enthusiast_ (_to Friend, who, with the perverse +ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been endeavouring to identify +the Rev. JOHN WESLEY among the Cabinet in Downing Street_). Oh, +never mind all that lot, BETSY; they're only the _Gover'ment_! Here's +dear Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for +something in a drawer of his side-board--ain't that _natural_? And +only look--a lot of people have been leaving Christmas cards on him +(_a pretty and touching tribute of affection, which is eminently +characteristic of a warm-hearted Public_). I wish I'd thought o' +bringing one with me! + +_Her Friend_. So do I. We might send one 'ere by post--but it'll have +to be a New Year Card now! + +_A Strict Old Lady_ (_before next group_). Who are these two? "Mr. +'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in _Faust_," eh? No--I don't care +to stop to see them--that's play-actin', that is--and I don't 'old +with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' of over +here? What--Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING at the High Altar +at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and don't encourage Popery by +looking at such figures. I _did_ 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and +the prambilator somewheres. I _should_ like to see that, now. + +IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY. + +_An Aunt_ (_who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine of useful +information_). Look, BOBBY, dear (_reading_). "Here we have +CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '_Nights of Straparola_,' an Italian +romancist, whose book was translated into French in the year 1585--" + +_Bobby_ (_disappointed_). Oh, then it _isn't_ Puss in Boots! + +_A Genial Grandfather_ (_pausing before "Crusoe and Friday"_). Well, +PERCY, my boy, you know who _that_ is, at all events--eh? + +_Percy_. I suppose it is STANLEY--but it's not very like. + +_The G.G._ STANLEY!--Why, bless my soul, never heard of _Robinson +Crusoe_ and his man _Friday_? + +_Percy_. Oh, I've _heard_ of them, of course--they come in +Pantomimes--but I like more grown-up sort of books myself, you know. +Is this girl asleep _She_? + +_The G.G._ No--at least--well, I expect it's "_The Sleeping Beauty_." +You remember her, of course--all about the ball, and the glass +slipper, and her father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the +palace, eh? + +_Percy_. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time for general +reading than we get. (_He looks through a practicable cottage +window._) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not badly stuffed! + +_The G.G._ Why that must be "_Old Mother Hubbard_." (_Quoting from +memory._) "Old Mother Hubbard sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas +pie--or a _bone_ was it?" + +_Percy_. Don't know. It's not in _Selections from British Poetry_, +which we have to get up for "rep." + +_The Aunt_ (_reading from Catalogue_). "The absurd ambulations of +this antique person, and the equally absurd antics of her dog, need no +recapitulation." Here's "_Jack the Giant Killer_" next. Listen, BOBBY, +to what it says about him here. (_Reads._) "It is clearly the last +transmutation of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, +of CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when +he first settled in Britain. But more than this"--I hope you're +listening, BOBBY?--"_more_ than this, it is quite evident, even to +the superficial student of Greek mythology, that many of the main +incidents and ornaments are borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and +HOMER." Think of that, now! + + [_BOBBY thinks of it, with depression._ + +_The G.G._ (_before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling new lamps for +old_). Here you are, you see! "_Ali Baba_," got 'em all here, you see. +Never read your "_Arabian Nights_," either! Is that the way they bring +up boys nowadays! + +_Percy_. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a fellow +reads that kind of thing when he's _young_, he doesn't get a chance +afterwards. + +_The Aunt_ (_still quoting_). "In the famous work," BOBBY, "by which +we know MASÛDI, he mentions the Persian Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,--nor +have commentators failed to notice that the occasion of the book +written for the Princess HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew +Bible about ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two +or three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew _that_ before!... This is +"_Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea_"--let's see what they say about +_him_. (_Reads._) "Both the story of _Sindbad_ and the old Basque +legend of Tartaro are undoubtedly borrowed from the _Odyssey_ of +HOMER, whose _Iliad_ and _Odyssey_ were translated into Syriac in +the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how interesting, now! +and, BOBBY, what _do_ you think someone says about "_Jack and the +Beanstalk_"? He says--"this tale is an allegory of the Teutonic +Al-fader, the red hen representing the all-producing sun: the +moneybags, the fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm +sure it seems likely enough, doesn't it? + + [_BOBBY suppresses a yawn; PERCY's feelings are outraged by + receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; general move to + the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy._ + +_BEFORE THE HAMPSTEAD TABLEAUX._ + +_Spectators_. Dear, dear, there's the _dresser_, you see, and the +window, broken and all; it's wonderful how they can _do_ it! And +there's poor Mrs. 'OGG--it's real butter and a real loaf she's +cutting, and the poor baby, too!... Here's the actual casts taken +after they were murdered. Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling +the perambulator--it's the _very_ perambulator! No, not the very +one--they've got _that_ at the other place, and the piece of toffee +the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, we _must_ try and go there, +too, before the children's holidays are over. And this is all? Well, +well, everything very nice, I _will_ say. But a pity they couldn't get +the _real_ perambulator! + + * * * * * + +BURNS VERSUS BURNS. + +A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE--"_PUSH ABOUT THE JORUM!_" + +[Illustration] + + "Oh, let us not like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided; + Till slap comes in an uncoo loon + And with a rung decide it. + Be Britain still to Britain true, + Among oursels united; + For never but by British hands + Maun British wrongs be righted!" + + ROBERT BURNS's "_Dumfries Volunteers_." + +_Shade of_ BURNS, _loquitur_:-- + + O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS, + My namesake--in a fashion, + You do my Scots the warst o' turns + Sae stirrin' up their passion. + Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks? + Or frae the County Council? + Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks; + We take your brag and bounce ill! + Fal de ral, &c. + + Does Cockneydom invasion threat? + Then let the louns beware, Sir! + Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet, + And for hersel' can fare, Sir. + The Thames shall run to join the Tweed, + Criffel adorn Thames valley, + 'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed + On Scottish ground shall rally. + Fal de ral, &c. + + A man's a man for a' that, JOHN, + And ane's as good as tither; + But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN, + That mutinies in bad weather. + Nae flouts to "honest industry" + Shall fa' frae the Exciseman; + But ane who blaws up strife like this, + Wisdom deems not a wise man. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Scot business may be out o' tune, + True harmony may fail in't, + But deil a cockney tinkler loon + We need to rant and rail in't. + Our fathers on occasion fought, + And so can we, if needed; + But windy words with frenzy fraught + Sound Scots should pass unheeded. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Let toilers not, like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided, + Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes, + Steps in, and we're derided. + Be Scotland still to Scotland true, + Amang oursels united; + 'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you + Our wrangs shall best be righted. + Fal de ral, &c. + + The knave who'd crush the toilers doun, + And him, his true-born brither, + Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown, + Should be kicked out together. + Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen! + Scots cherish throne and steeple, + But while we sing "_God save the Queen_," + _We_ won't forget the People. + Fal de ral, &c. + + * * * * * + +A LENGTHY NOVEL.--_A Thousand Lines of Her Own_, in 3000 vols., by the +Authoress of _A Line of Her Own_, in 3 vols. N.B.--What a long line +this must be to occupy three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_Small Stranger_ (_to Master of the house_). "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS +OPENS THE DOOR _WILL_ GIVE IT YER, IF YER RING _THAT_ BELL!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC GOSSIP. + +During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, _Ivanhoe_, +a grave objection to the subject occurred to him, which was, that +one of the chief personages in the _dramatis personæ_ must be +"Gilbert"--i.e., _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert_. True, that _Sir Brian_ +is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous +disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he couldn't +change the character's name to _Sir Brian de Bois-Sullivan_, and Mr. +D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his name to appear in the bill except +as Lessee. "I can't put him in simply as _Sir Brian_," said the +puzzled Composer, "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my +librettist will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But +the name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," objected +D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out of a hundred," +answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, persistently, "it isn't +spelt the same." "No," replied Sir ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; +there's 'u' and 'i' in it; we're both mixed up with this _Guilbert_." +Fortunately, the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as +a memento of the happy termination to the temporary misunderstanding, +Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, designed to call the character +"_Sir Brian de Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan_." Whether the mysterious +librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the public +ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or not, it is +now pretty certain that there will be no departure from the great +novelist's original nomenclature. + + * * * * * + +A BREACH OF VERACITY.--According to the papers, the Chief Secretary's +Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of clothing designed for the +poor in the West of Ireland, sent in response to the request of Lord +ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. We understand there is no truth in the +report, that amongst the first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. +O'BRIEN's br--s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go to +prison again, he had no further use for the article. + + * * * * * + +NEW IRISH DRINK.--The Parnellite "Split." + + * * * * * + +A REMINISCENCE OF C.K. + +The excellent article in the _Times_ on the 6th inst. upon CHARLES +KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the _P.M.G._ of a day +earlier performed his self-imposed task with a judicious and loving +hand, and, as far as I can judge, his account of our lamented +colleague seems to be correct. As to our CARLO's Mastership in his +Black-and-White Art, there can be but one opinion among Artists. Those +who possess the whole of the _Once a Week_ series will there find +admirable specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most +striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I remember a +story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An artistic friend was in +KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, pipe in mouth, of course. "I +can't understand," said his friend, "how you produce that effect of +distance in so small a picture." "O--um--easy enough," replied KEENE. +"Look here,"--and--_he did it_. But when and how he gave _the_ touch +which made the effect, his friend, following his work closely, was +unable to discover. F.C.B. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--There is always something fresh coming out at +Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond Street. Their latest +novelty is the result of a caravan tour from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend +upon it, he found it very nice!" said Young PAR, regardless of +propriety and pronunciation) by Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS +utilised such an expedition from a literary point of view in his +inimitable "_Cruise upon Wheels_," and this young artist has +turned similar wanderings to good artistic account. His _cartes de +visite_--no, I beg pardon, his _caravans de visite_--are numerous and +varied. Verily, my brethren, all is caravanity! Not altogether, for +Mr. SAINTON, in addition to returning with his caravan and himself, +has brought back an interesting collection of original and delicate +works in oil and silver-point--in short, taken every caravantage of +his special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"--Twenty-three American ships, 118 +guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, 1,229 men; and seven +German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 men--all in "Pacific" waters! Looks +like Pacific, doesn't it? + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XI.--THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE. + +BY READER FAGHARD, AUTHOR OF "QUEEN BATHSHEBA'S EWERS," "YAWN," +"GUESS," "ME," "MY MA'S AT PENGE," "SMALLUN HALFBOY," "GENERAL +PORRIDGE, D.T.," "ME A KISS," "THE HEMISPHERE'S WISH," &C., &C. + + [In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of this + novel, the Author gives a description of his literary method. + We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been accused of + plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is ridiculous. Nature + is the great plagiarist, the sucker of the brains of authors. + There is no situation, however romantic or grotesque, which + Nature does not sooner or later appropriate. Therefore the + more natural an author is, the more liable is he to envious + accusations of plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in + an absence of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially + humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied + at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South + African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, '_Ars + Langa Rider brevis_,' and a very good motto too. I like + writing in couples. Personally I could never have bothered + myself to learn up all these quaint myths and literary fairy + tales, but LANG likes it."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration: "Then a strange thing happened."] + +My name is SMALLUN HALFBOY, a curious name for an old fellow like +me, who have been battered and knocked about all over the world from +Yorkshire to South Africa. I'm not much of a hand at writing, but, +bless your heart, I know the _Bab Ballads_ by heart, and I can tell +you it's no end of a joke quoting them everywhere, especially when +you quote out of an entirely different book. I am not a brave man, but +nobody ever was a surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever +killed more Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But +I do love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, with +gashes and slashes and lopped heads and arms and legs rolling about +everywhere. Black blood is the best variety; I mean the blood of black +men, because nobody really cares twopence about them, and you can +massacre several thousands of them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no +single soul. And, after all, I am not certain that black men have any +souls, so that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the +_Bab Ballads_. + +CHAPTER II. + +I was staying with my old friend Sir HENRY HURTUS last winter at +his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting all day with +indifferent results, and were returning home fagged and weary with our +rifles over our shoulders. I ought to have mentioned that COODENT--of +course, you remember Captain COODENT, R.N.--was of the party. Ever +since he had found his legs so much admired by an appreciative public, +he had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to show them. This, +however, was not done from vanity, I think, but rather from a high +sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to be born with +personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any sense of false +modesty from gratifying the reading public by their display. Lord, how +we had laughed to see him struggling through the clinging brambles +in Sir HENRY's coverts with his eye-glass in his eye and his Express +at the trail. At every step his unfortunate legs had been more and +more torn, until there was literally not a scrap of sound skin upon +them anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had roared when old +VELVETEENS the second keeper had brought up to poor COODENT a lump of +flesh from his right leg, which he had found sticking on a thorn-bush +in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly Sir HENRY stopped and +shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously. We all imitated him, though +for my part, not being a sportsman, I had no notion what was up. +"What's the time of day, Sir HENRY?" I ventured to whisper. Sir HENRY +never looked at me, but took out his massive gold Winchester repeater +and consulted it in a low voice. "Four thirty," I heard him say, "they +are about due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. +"Duck, duck!" shouted Sir HENRY, now thoroughly aroused. I immediately +did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not know what might be +coming, and I am a very timid man. At that moment I heard a joint +report from Sir HENRY and COODENT. It gave on the whole a very +favourable view of the situation, and by its light I saw six fine +mallard, four teal and three widgeon come hurtling down, as dead as so +many door-nails, and much heavier on the top of my prostrate body. + +When I recovered Sir HENRY was bending over me and pouring brandy down +my throat. COODENT was sitting on the ground binding up his legs. "My +dear old friend," said Sir HENRY, in his kindest tone, "this Yorkshire +is too dangerous. My mind is made up. This very night we all start for +Mariannakookaland. There at least our lives will be safe." + +CHAPTER III. + +We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a month travelling +on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the scorching African sun +which all but burnt us in our _treks_. Our _Veldt_ slippers were worn +out, and our pace was consequently reduced to the merest _Kraal_. At +rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had seen Stars and +heard of Echoes, but now not a single _Kopje_ was left, and we were +trudging along mournfully with our blistered _tongas_ protruding from +our mouths. + +Suddenly Sir HENRY spoke--"SMALLUN, my old friend," he said, "do you +see anything in the distance?" + +I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see nothing +but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir HENRY. I swept the distance +with my glance. It was a sandy, arid distance, and, naturally enough, +a small cloud of dust appeared. Then a strange thing happened. The +cloud grew and grew. It came rolling towards us with an unearthly +noise. Then it seemed to be cleft in two, as by lightning, +and from its centre came marching towards us a mighty army of +Amazonian warriors, in battle-array, chanting the war-song of the +Mariannakookas. I must confess that my first instinct was to fly, my +second to run, my third, and best, to remain rooted to the spot. When +the army came within ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by magic, +and a stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the +Commander-in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore an +immense native jelibag, tricked out with feathers; her breast was +encased in a huge silver _tureene_. Her waist was encircled with +a broad girdle, in which were stuck all manner of deadly arms, +_stuhpans, sorspans, spîhts_, and _deeshecloutz_. In her left hand she +carried a deadly-looking _kaster_, while in her right she brandished a +massive _rolinpin_, a frightful weapon, which produces internal wounds +of the most awful kind. Her regiments were similarly armed, save that, +in their case, the breast-covering was made of inferior metal, and +they wore no feathers in their head-dress. The Commander held up her +hand. Instantly the war-song ceased. Then the Commander addressed +us, and her voice sounded like the song of them that address the +_butchaboys_ in the morning. And this was the _torque_ she hurled at +us,-- + +CHAPTER IV. + +"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am She-who-will-never-Obey, the +Queen of the Mariannakookas. I rule above, and in nether regions, +where there is Eternal Fire. Behold my Word goes forth, and the Ovens +are made hot, and the _Kee-chen-boi-lars_ are filled with Water. Over +me no Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save +only the _Weeklibuks_; them I keep not down, for they delight me. And +the land over which I reign is made glad with fat and much stored +up _Dripn_. Who are ye, and what seek ye here? Speak ere it be too +late!" And as she ceased the whole army broke forth into a chorus, +"She-who-will-never-Obey has spoken! The Word is gone forth! Speak, +speak!" I confess I was alarmed, and my fears were not diminished +when two of the _Skulrimehds_ (a sort of native camp-follower) came +up to COODENT and me, and actually began to make love to us in the +most forward manner. But Sir HENRY maintained his calm demeanour. +"She-who-will-never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful traders. We +bring no Commission--" how his sentence would have ended will never +be known. Certain it is that what he said roused the Amazons to a +frenzy of passion. They yelled and danced round us. "He who brings no +Commission must die!" they shouted; and in a moment we found ourselves +bound tightly hand-and-foot, and marching as prisoners of war in the +centre of the Mariannakookaland army. + +CHAPTER V. + +It is unnecessary to go through the details of our marvellous escape +from the lowest dungeon of the royal Palace of SURVAN TSAUL, where for +months we were immured on a constant diet of suet pudding. Of course +we did escape, but only after killing ten thousand Mariannakookas, +and then swimming for a mile in their blood. COODENT brought with him +a very pretty _Skulrimehd_ who had grown attached to him, but she +drooped and pined away after he lost his false teeth in crossing a +river, and tried to replace them with orange-peel, a trick he had +learnt at school. Sir HENRY's fight with She-who-will-never-Obey is +still remembered. He will carry the marks of her nails on his cheeks +to his grave. I myself am tired of wandering. "_Home, Sweet Home_," as +the _Bab Ballads_ have it, is the place for me. + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT. + +(_BY OUR OWN RECITER._) + +[Illustration] + + I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our town. + We laughed enough the opening night to bring the theatre down. + The piece was _Burleybumbo_, _the Old Giant, and his Men_; + _Fairy Starlight, Little Popsey, and the Demon of the Glen_. + The Supers were collected from the local talent round, + And for _Burleybumbo's_ servant the Blacksmith, JOHN, they found; + A stalwart varlet was required to carry off his foes + To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he chose. + His minions, who wore hideous masks, had nothing much to say, + So an IRVING was not wanted to do their part of the play. + On this eventful night the house was packed from roof to pit, + And the Manager was jubilant at having made a hit. + The Curtain drawing slowly up, revealed a flowery glade, + In which the _Fairy Starlight_ and her lovely maidens played. + The wicked Demon then came on, and round the stage did glower; + No mortal man could e'er withstand his wrath or evil power. + Last of all came _Burleybumbo_ with his crew, a motley horde, + Our old friend, Blacksmith JOHN, was in attendance on his lord. + They were singing and carousing, when a man rushed in to say + That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down that way. + The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes that they might plunder + The unsuspecting wayfarers. Alas! now came the blunder: + Old JOHN he wouldn't hide himself, but coolly walked about + Advancing to the footlights, he looked around--but hark! a shout:-- + "Confound you! Dash my--! Just come off! Hi, you! Who are you? JOHN!" + "Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I've only just come on!" + Thus saying, he lumbered round the stage. The Prompter's heart had sunk: + No doubt about the matter--_Burleybumbo's_ man is drunk! + "Come off! Come off!" from every wing was now the angry cry. + "Me off, indeed! Oh, would yer? Sh'like to see the feller try!" + _Burleybumbo_ then appeared, and vainly tried to drag him back. + JOHN stove his pasteboard head in with a most refreshing crack. + The wicked Demon now rushed on; his supernatural might + Was very little use to him on this surprising night. + He tried to push him down the glade, but here again JOHN sold him; + He caught the Demon round the waist, and at the Prompter bowled him. + Ah! such a shindy ne'er was seen, such riot and such rage-- + It was the finest "rally" ever seen on any stage! + 'Mid shrieks and cat-calls, whistles shrill, hysterics and guffaws, + They rang the Curtain down amidst uproarious applause. + The piece is still a great success; but, I regret to say, + JOHN's name appears no longer in the bills of that fine play! + + * * * * * + +NOT INSIDE OUT. + + Fair Maiden, you're looking a vision of beauty, + You may comfort yourself you've no rival to fear; + But you won't take it ill if I feel it my duty + To whisper a word of advice in your ear. + + Now, the word would be this--when the daylight is dawning, + Or, at any rate, when it's more early than late, + Pray remember the coachman, who, fitfully yawning + Outside in the street, finds it weary to wait. + + You reck not at all of the hours that are fleeting, + You ask for an "extra"--you can't be denied. + But though, doubtless, soft nothings may set your heart beating, + Yet they're awfully cold for the people outside. + + Want of thought, not of heart, is the reason as ever, + So if you find leisure to read through this rhyme, + When you order your carriage, in future endeavour + To prevent any waiting--by being in time, + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Publisher of _The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine_, earnestly +requests the reviewer, appealing to his heart in the reddest of red +ink, on a slip of paper pasted on to the cover of the Magazine, not +to extract and quote more than one column of "Talleyrand's Memoirs," +which appear in this number for January. The Publisher of the +_C.I.M.M._ does not appeal personally to the Baron--who is now +the last, bar one, of the Barons, and that bar one is one at the +Bar,--but, for all that, the Baron hereby and hereon takes his +solummest Half-a-Davey or his entire Davey, that he will not write, +engrave, or represent, or cause to be, &c, for purposes of quotation, +one single word, much less line, of _Tallyho_--beg pardon, of +_Talleyrand_,--extracts from whose memoirs are now appearing in the +aforesaid _C.I.M.M._ But all he will say at present is this, that, +if the secret and private Memoirs haven't got in them anything more +thrilling or startling, or out of the merest common-place, than +appears in this number of the _C.I.M.M._, then the Baron will say that +he would prefer reading such contributions as M. de BLOWITZ's story of +"How he became a Special," or _The Pigmies of the African Forest_ by +HENRY M. STANLEY in the same number of this Mag. + +[Illustration] + +What the Baron dearly loves is, ELLIOT STOCK-IN-TRADE _The Book-worm_, +always most interesting to Book-worms, and almost as interesting to +Book-grubs or Book-butterflies. By the way, the publishing office of +_The Book-worm_ ought to be in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is +_The Book-worm_ an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in +the Old Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is +shown from a modern instance, well and wisely commented upon in this +very number for January, No. 38, which is excellent food for worms; +the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of Worms. Success to +the _Book-worm_! May it grow to double the size, and be a glow-worm, +to enlighten us in the bye-paths of literature. "_Prosit!_" says the +Baron. + +I would that some one would write of BROWNING's work as HENRY VAN DYKE +has written of TENNYSON's. To the superficial and cursory reader of +the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the fire on a winter's night, the +wind howling over the sea, and the snow drifting against the window, +and being chucked in handfuls down the chimney, and frizzling on the +fire, says, get this book, published by ELKIN MATHEWS: _ça donne +à penser_, and this is its great merit. "Come into the Garden, +Maud"--no, thank you, not to-night; but give me my shepherd's pipe, +with the fragrant bird's-eye in it, with [Greek: ton grogon], while I +sit by the cheerful fire, in the best of good company--my books. + +Our Mr. GRIFFITHES (CHESTER, MAYHEW, BROOME, AND GRIFFITHES) has been +all the way _From Bedford Row to Swazieland_, and has written a lively +narrative of his perilous journey. He went on a professional retainer. +You don't catch Bedford Row in Swazieland on other terms. Being there, +he kept his eyes open, saw a good deal, and describes his impressions +in racy fashion. He did not like the coffee served _en route_, and +was disappointed with the Southern Cross; but on the whole enjoyed +the trip. One would naturally expect that the price of his book would +be six-and-eight-pence, or, regarding it in the form of a letter, +three-and-fourpence, but BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. issue it at a +shilling. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Our Artist_. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PORTRAITS, MISS BUNNY? THE +SITTERS ARE ALL OLD FRIENDS OF YOURS, I BELIEVE?" + +_Miss Bunny_ (_triumphantly_). "YES; AND, ONLY THINK, I'VE ACTUALLY +MANAGED TO GUESS THEM ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +ARBITRATION. + + _Seal, suddenly emerging, loquitur_:-- + + Belay, you two lubbers, avast there! avast there! + What signifies squalling and squabbling? + You're both argufying a good bit too fast there, + Whilst that which you stand on seems wobbling. + You'll be in a mess, Messmates, shortly, the pair of you. + Give _me_ a thought in the matter! + _My_ interest's at stake, and it isn't quite fair of you + Me to ignore 'midst your clatter. + + If 'twere not for me, Mates, this cold Behring's Sea, Mates, + Would hardly strike you as so tempting. + Do grant your poor prey, if I may make so free, Mates, + From slaughter some annual exempting! + I'm worried and walloped without intermission + Until even family duties + Quite fail, whilst your countrymen cudgel and fish on. + By Jingo, some of 'em are beauties! + + My poor wife and children have not half a chance, Mates. + That's not to your interest, I reckon. + Cease shindy, and on a new course make advance, Mates, + Where sense and humanity beckon. + There's not much of either in cruelly clubbing + My progeny all out of season; + And if you are bent upon mutual drubbing, + You must quite have parted with reason. + + _Mare clausum_, be blowed! That's all BLAINE's big bow-wow, Mates. + Men can't thus monopolise oceans. + Diplomacy _must_ find a compromise now, Mates, + And, well--I have told you _my_ notions. + Give me a close-time,--I shall be very grateful-- + And leave the Sea open! What more, Mates? + For brothers like you to be huffing, is hateful. + Be friends, think of me, and--_bong swor_, Mates! + + [_Dives under._ + + * * * * * + +UP-TO-TIME TABLE, FROM THE NORTH. + + | Morning | Mineral | General |Traffic and| + | Fast. |and Parl.| Express.|Even. Mail.| +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ +Edinburgh \ |7 A.M. to|11 A.M. A| Noon F | 9 P.M. L | +(Waverley Station)/ | 9.30 | | | | +Carlisle | 12.15 | ... | ... | ... | +Hawick | 4.30 | B | ... | ... | +Galashiels | 9.45 | ... | 2.15 G | 1 A.M. M | + / | 1 P.M. | | | | +Motherwell < |(Stopped | 4 P.M. C| 3.19 H | 3.20 N | + \ |by riot) | | | | +St. Margaret's Works | 3.30 | 5 D | ... | ... | +Perth |9.45 A.M.| ... | 11.26 I | ... | +Glasgow |12.30P.M.| ... | ... | ... | +Aberfeldy | 6.13 | ... | ... | ... | +Dundee |1.12 A.M.|3A.M.to 9| ... | ... | +Inverness | 9.23 | ... | 3.5 J | ... | +Aberdeen | 11.6 |7 P.M.? E|1 A.M. K | O | +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ + +A--Takes delayed pig-iron and third-class passengers. B--Half of +train stops here through breaking an axle-pin. C--Passengers, for +protection, get under seats of carriages. D--Stops for repairs. +E--Having had a collision at the junction for Aberfeldy, will come on, +if there are any passengers equal to finishing the journey. + +F--Starts under the management of a Director, and, owing to a +misunderstanding, dashes off to Aberdeen, without stopping. G--Doesn't +stop, but knocks over a station-master. H--Is pelted as it tears +through the station by _ex-employés_. I--Knocks over another +station-master. J--Meets a pilot-engine, which it splits in half. +K--Goes at full speed through the end of the terminus, depositing the +passengers in a heap in the middle of the town. + +L--Train starts, made up of horse-boxes and luggage-vans full of three +weeks' arrears of parcels, first-class carriages, Post-office van, +fifty coal-trucks, and a wild beast show, the Directors wishing +to make up for lost time. M--Train breaking down here, mail and +passengers only forwarded. N--Train attacked by rioters. Pitched +battle with the passengers. O--Telegram from Motherwell saying, that +owing to police intervention, train starts the day after to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARBITRATION. + +THE SEAL. "BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!--AVAST QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A +'CLOSE-TIME,' AND LEAVE THE 'SEA' AN OPEN QUESTION."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING! + +_Fair New-Englander_ (_spending the Winter in the Old Country_). "OH, +WHAT A LOVE! AND IS IT THE FIRST YOU HAVE SHOT THIS YEAR, CAPTAIN +RASPER?"] + + * * * * * + +TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE. + +(_A DRAMA FOUNDED--MORE OR LESS--UPON FACTS._) + + ACT I.--"PAST."--_Interior of the Savings Bank Department of + the G.P.O. Employés engaged upon their work. The hour for + customary cessation of labour strikes._ + +_Official of a Higher Grade_. Officers and Gentlemen, the exigencies +of the Public Service require your presence for some time longer. I +beg you to continue your work. + +_A Hundred Employés_. Never! (_Aside._) Ha! ha! the employment of +Female Clerks is avenged! + +_Off._ (_almost in tears_). Reconsider your decision, I beg--I +implore! + +_Another Hundred Employés_. Never! (_Aside._) Seven hours a day and no +longer--shall be secured at one fell swoop! + +_Off._ (_with indescribable emotion_). Oh, my country! Oh, my Savings +Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the Civil Service! + + [_Faints in the arms of faithful Employés, whilst the other + Clerks defiantly depart. Tableau._ + + ACT II.--"PRESENT."--_Magnificent apartments of the + P.-M.-Gen. in the G.P.O. Deputation of contrite Employés + listening to the eloquent speech of their Official Chief._ + +_P.M.G._ (_in effect_). I am delighted that you are such good fellows. +Your conduct in owning that you were wrong in refusing to work after +regular official hours, almost effaces a painful page in the history +of St. Martin's-le-Grand. Let it be clearly understood that extra work +is _not_ compulsory, _but_, if _not_ undertaken, may lead (as in the +present instance) to immediate suspension, if not dismissal. Surely +no one can object to that? (_Contrite Officials express mournful +approval._) And now good-bye, and A Happy New Year. As for the +future--hope, my good friends, hope! + + [_Exeunt the contrite Employés, leaving the Officials of a + Higher Grade agitating the nerves controlling their eyelids + spasmodically._ + + ACT III.--"FUTURE."--_Same Scene as Act I. Venerable Employés + discovered, after twenty years' further service._ + +_First Venerable Employé_. Remember the words spoken a score of +winters ago--Hope, brother, hope! + +_Second Venerable Employé_. Yes--Hope, brother, hope! + + [_As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are left + continuing the self-sustaining, but rather profitless + employment, indefinitely. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +_A Son of the Pool_. By the Author of _A Daughter of the Pyramids_. + + * * * * * + +CHARLES KEENE + +BORN AUGUST 10, 1823. DIED JANUARY 4, 1891. + + What words avail to honour friends departed, + Gone from the gatherings which so long they graced? + What phrase seems fit when comrades loyal-hearted + Mourn a loved presence late by death displaced? + + No formal elegiacs fashioned coldly, + Beseem the memory of that manly soul, + Whose simple, downright spirit trod so boldly + Life's most sequestered ways from start to goal. + + Not rank's trim pleasaunce, nor parades of fashion + Tempted his genius; his the great highway + Where, free from courtly pride and modish passion, + Toil tramps, free humours crowd, rough wastrels stray. + + Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly, + Fixing for ever on his chosen page + In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly + The crowded pageant of a passing age. + + What an array! How varied a procession! + The humours of the parlour, shop, and street; + Philistia's every calling, craft, profession, + Cockneydom's cheery cheek and patter fleet. + + Scotch dryness, Irish unction and cajolery, + Waiterdom's wiles, Deacondom's pomp of port; + Rustic simplicity, domestic drollery, + The freaks of Service and the fun of Sport; + + And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing, + Of touch so certain, and of charm so fresh, + As to lend dignity to Cabmen railing, + To fustianed clods and fogies full of flesh. + + Nor human humours only; who so tender + Of touch when sunny Nature out-of-doors + Wooed his deft pencil? Who like him could render + Meadow or hedgerow, turnip-field, or moor? + + Snowy perspective, long suburban winding + Of bowery road-way, villa-edged and trim. + Iron-railed city street, where gas-lamps blinding + Glare through the foggy distance dense and dim? + + All with that broad free force, whose fascination + All felt, and artists most, that dexterous sleight + Which gave our land the unchallenged consummation + Of graphic mastery in Black-and-White. + + Pleasant to dwell on, and a proud possession, + Now the tired hand that shaped that world is still, + Leaving an ineffaceable impression + Upon the age that fired its force and skill. + + Honoured abroad as loved at home, how ample, + The tribute to that modest spirit paid! + To pushing quackery a high example, + A calm rebuke to egotist parade! + + Frank, loyal, unobtrusive, simple-hearted, + Loving his book, his pipe, his song, his friend, + Peaceful he lived and peacefully departed, + A gentle life-course, with a gracious end. + + Irreparable loss to Art, deep sorrow + To those his comrades, who so loved the man, + And who had hoped for many a sunny morrow + To greet that gallant spirit in the van. + + That tall, spare form, that curl-crowned head, the knitting + Of supple hands behind it as he sat, + That quaint face-wrinkling smile like sunshine flitting, + The droll, dry comment, the quotation pat; + + The small oft-loaded pipe, of ancient moulding, + The brazen box that held the well-loved weed; + Who shall forget who once was graced by holding + In friendship's clasp the hand now still indeed? + + Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and loyal! + Few simpler lives our feverish age hath seen. + Could pomp high-pinnacled, or trappings royal, + Add honour to the memory of CHARLES KEENE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOBLIN TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM THE IRISH EXTRAVAGANZA +OF THE O'RIP VAN WINKLE. + +_Where the Home-Ruler of Butt's time awakes to find all the would-be +dic-taters suddenly become mere mushrooms._] + + * * * * * + +THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN. + +[Illustration] + +Over a series of weeks preceding Christmas, Europe was disturbed by +rumours of a momentous interview reported to have taken place on +the banks of the unsuspecting Bosphorus. One of the parties to the +conference was his Imperial Majesty the SULTAN. The other was an +English Statesman, the trusted counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and +believed in family circles to be the real author of some of his +supreme measures. The naturally retiring disposition of the Statesman +in question, and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter +concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. +Doubtless the stupendous event--the possible consequences of which +on European affairs Time will work out--would have remained for ever +hidden but for the ruthless action of "the London Correspondents of +various provincial papers, who gave in their London letters more or +less inaccurate reports of the event." How they came to know anything +about it admits of only one conclusion. _The SULTAN must have told +them_. The event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind +of record, and, accordingly, the _Speaker_ has been favoured with a +narrative of what took place, the signature disclosing the fact that +the other party to the interview was the SHAH LEFEVRE. + +The SHAH's account, regarded as a record of a historical event, +is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable desire for +self-effacement which marks this eminent man. We see anonymous +"persons who had access to the SULTAN approaching" the SHAH, and +"suggesting to him that he ought to apply for an audience." We see him +"declining to do so on the ground that, having taken an active part in +the agitation in England on the subject of the Bulgarian atrocities +in 1877, it would not be right that I should thrust myself on the +attention of the SULTAN." It is generally thought at Stamboul and +elsewhere that Mr. GLADSTONE was chiefly responsible for the memorable +agitation referred to. But the SHAH is not the man to hide the truth. +Also, "I wished to be free to say what I thought about the condition +of Turkey on my return to England." That was only fair to waiting +England. No use the SULTAN trying to "nobble" this relentless man. So +it came to pass that he went to the Palace, reluctant, but "feeling we +could not refuse such a command from the Sovereign of the country." +He talked with CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI; saw the SULTAN's horse; +hung about for hours; no SULTAN appeared; went back to hotel quivering +under the insult. Had framed telegram ordering the British Fleet to +the Bosphorus, when VAMBÉRY turned up, pale and trembling; besought +the SHAH to do nothing rash; explained it was all a mistake. This +followed up by invitation to dine at the Palace the following day. + +All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were "excellent +wines, electric lights, and a great display of plate"; how the +SULTAN, concentrating his attention on the SHAH, and forgetful of poor +FREDERICK HARRISON, who had, somehow, been elbowed into obscurity, +paid court to this powerful personality; how he received him on the +daïs, and now cunningly, though ineffectually, he endeavoured to +secure on the spot the evacuation of Egypt, is told in the SHAH'S +delicious narrative. + +_Mr. Punch_, sharing in the thrilling interest this disclosure has +created throughout the civilised world, has been anxious to complete +the record by supplementing the SHAH's account of the interview, +with the SULTAN's own version. This was, at the outset, difficult. +Obstacles were thrown in the way, but they were overcome by the +pertinacity and ingenuity of Our Representative, who at last found +himself seated with the SULTAN on the very daïs from which SHAH +LEFEVRE had conferred with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of the +forty guests, "including the Austrian Ambassador," looked on, green +with envy. + +"It's a curious thing," said the SULTAN, laying down a book he had +been reading when Our Representative entered, "that, when you were +announced, I had just come upon a reference by your great Poet to your +still greater Statesman. You know the line in Lockandkey Hall,-- + + "'Oh the dreary, drear LEFEVRE! Oh the barren, barren SHAW!'" + +"That," Our Representative writes, "is not precisely the line as I +remember it; but I make it a rule never to correct a SULTAN." + +Accordingly His Majesty proceeded: "And so, my good Cousin, _Mr. +Punch_, wants to know all about this interview, the _bruit_ of which +has shaken the Universe. His wishes are commands to me. In the first +place, I will tell you (though this is not for publication), that it +was by the merest accident I had the advantage of knowing your great +countryman. I heard there had come to Constantinople one FREDERICK +HARRISON, head of a sect called the Positivists. I am, you know, in +my way, and within the limits of my kingdom, one of the most absolute +Positivists of the age. I wanted to see the English apostle, and told +them to ask him to dinner. Somehow things got mixed up, and, at the +preliminary morning call, the SHAH LEFEVRE walked in. Had never heard +of him before, but gathered from CHAKIR PACHA, who had been talking to +WAHAN EFFENDI, who, had seen WOODS PACHA, who had spent an hour with +VAMBÉRY, upon whom SHAH LEFEVRE had called, that the SHAH was really +the mainspring of the Liberal Party in England, GLADSTONE being merely +figure-head, HARCOURT in his pay, and CHAMBERLAIN suffering in exile +under his displeasure. Allah is Good! Here was a chance thrown into +my hands. I forgot all about FREDERICK HARRISON; told CHAKIR PACHA and +WAHAN EFFENDI to entertain the SHAH in the ante-chamber with coffee +and cigarettes, drawing him out on Armenia and Egypt. Meanwhile I +crept under the sofa, and heard every word. The SHAH very stern about +Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour and half +began to get tired under sofa; managed to stick in WAHAN EFFENDI's +Wellington boot a note, on which I had written, 'Take him to see my +horse.' So they went off to stable, and, as soon as coast was clear, +I crept out; shut myself up in room for rest of day. Heard afterwards +that they came back, the SHAH much impressed with appearance of my +horse; resumed conversation on Armenia and Egypt for another hour; at +last got rid of SHAH. + +"At night VAMBÉRY, disguised as melon-seller, entered Palace and +gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess had been made of +matters. The SHAH really didn't care about seeing the horse; wanted +to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. 'Better ask him to +dinner,' said VAMBÉRY; so despatched Grand Chamberlain in carriage and +six. The SHAH mollified; gave him a good dinner: plenty of electric +lights. Afterwards he was good enough to see me on the daïs. Tried +to get him to promise alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party +towards me; also wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops +from Egypt, But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. +Not to be drawn. Talk about Eastern statecraft! nothing to you +English, as represented by jour SHAH LEFEVRES. When I pressed him +to come to point about Egypt, he said, 'On this subject I can only +speak my own views. I am not authorised to speak on behalf of those +I am politically associated with, but personally I am opposed to the +occupation of Egypt by English troops.' There's an answer for you! +Your MACHIAVELLIS, your TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some +time, and given away a dinner all for nothing, except the memory +that will ever rest with me of having been privileged to see this +remarkable man standing on my daïs." + +Here the SULTAN clapped his hands three times, and Our Representative, +being carefully placed in a sack, was dropped into the Bosphorus, +whence he was rescued in time to send off this despatch for +publication in the current Number. + + * * * * * + +ACCIDENT ON THE ICE.--The other day a gentleman, well known in the +world of Sport and Art, was skating on the Serpentine, and fell in +with a friend. Both were getting on well when our reporter left. + + * * * * * + +EXTRACT FROM REPORT OF THE G.O.M.'S BIRTHDAY SPEECH AT HAWARDEN:-- + +[Illustration: _G.O.M._ (_to himself_). "I hope Lawson isn't looking +at me."] + +"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that not +infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way homewards after +midnight, sometimes very long after it, from the House of Commons, +I have stopped my course for a moment by the side of the drinking +fountain in Great George Street, Westminster, when there was nobody +to look at me, and have indulged in the refreshing draught which was +there afforded me, feeling at the same time that I was not performing +any action which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of +my excellent friend whose name is well known to you all--Sir WILFRID +LAWSON." + + * * * * * + +I'D BE A CRIMINAL. + +A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION. + +TUNE--_I'D BE A BUTTERFLY_. + + I'd be a criminal, born in a slum, + Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness meet; + For when to the court for my trial I come, + I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious and sweet. + + Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my power, + And Scientists sage will be slaves at my feet; + Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower, + And fools in my cause in their thousands will meet. + + They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary, + Some hope of escape to my prison to bring, + And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy + And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, talk or sing. + + Those I have butchered will get scant attention, + Interest's sure to be centred in me. + Painters will picture me, poets may mention, + Beauties discuss me at five o'clock tea. + + Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition, + Hypnotists swear I was somebody's tool; + And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition + Will promptly be signed by each faddist and fool. + + Murder--and good Dr. LIÈGOIS of Nancy + Will back you, LABRUYÈRE will help you away. + I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy, + He is the only true Hero to-day! + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK. + +(_FOR THE USE OF DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR ENTERTAINERS._) + +_The Strike in Scotland_.--You might suggest, that were it in Ireland, +one might see a _rail_ way out of it, or rather in it. This jest may +be expected to be appreciated by a parson's wife of the sharper sort. +Something ought to be got out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to +the North. Example of what can be done in this direction:--"People +who play with fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS." +However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may want +your blood before you get to the cigarettes. North Britons are very +jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and permit no +jokes upon the subject. You see, in letting off your witticism at +a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it _was_ a joke. You +might also hint that it was "hard lines" for the Railway Companies +concerned; but this will provoke gloom rather than gaiety amongst +those who have invested in Caledonians and North British. If you talk +about the riots in connection with the movement, you might say that +the pugnacious rioters remind you of safety matches, "for they not +only strike, but strike on the box!" + +_The Parnell Negociations in France_.--You can say something about +O'BRIEN's invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him an evening visit on +the French coast, reminds you of the once popular song, "_Meet me +by Moonlight, Boulogne_." If you are told that "Boulogne" should be +"Alone," return, "Precisely--borrowed a word--Boulogne was a loan." +This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might suggest +that Mr. O'BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, because even +when he was in prison he took an absorbing interest in _the proper +adjustment of breeches_! + +_The Row at the Post Office_.--As the Savings' Bank Department has for +years been the Cinderella of the Civil Service, this is a subject that +will not create much interest; however, you might possibly extract +a pleasantry out of the name of the present Postmaster-General in +connection with the now-appeased _employés_. With a little trouble +you should be able to say something quite sparkling about what the +"officers" _hoe_ to _Raikes_! + +_The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa_.--Rather a good subject at +a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on particularly affectionate +and intimate terms) are gathered together. Say you have got to the +dessert, and you start the subject. Observe that it is fortunate that +the SULTAN OF TURKEY is not interested in the matter, or there would +be further trouble of a like character. To the question, "Why?" reply, +taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, "would it not +be a second difficulty with the _Porte, you geese_?" To make the jest +perfect, connect Turkey in Europe with the _dindon aux marrons_, of +which you will have just partaken. + +_The Weather_.--If forced to fall back upon this venerable subject +(which should only be broached in the wilds of Cornwall, or other +equally primitive spots), of course you can speak of a hard frost +being "_an ice_ day for a hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at +it." If the weather breaks, you may observe, "_You thaw so_," but not +when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a deaf +old maid. And this, with the other witticisms recorded above, should +carry you (by desire) into the middle of next week. + + * * * * * + +A DEADLY KISS.--The Hotch-kiss. + + * * * * * + +A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE. + +(_BY A "SLIPPERED PANTALOON."_) + +[Illustration] + + Tax-gatherers molest one's door, + The streets are choked with messy mist; + I'm the proverbial Bachelor, + An old, prosaic Pessimist. + Yet somehow--who can tell me why?-- + Urged by the Past's dim Phantom, I'm + Disposed my cosy Club to fly, + And prank it at the Pantomime. + + A Phantom weird of things forgot! + My mother, proud of me at her + Sweet side--our yellow chariot-- + The long, long drive--the theatre-- + My fear to miss--my thrill when in-- + The Fairy Queen, the jolly King-- + The laughter flung at Harlequin, + And Pantaloon arollicking. + + And sister PRUE, and brother TIM, + (I scarcely recollected them), + Magnificent in gala trim: + Dear me, how I respected them! + I deemed them quite grown up, so bold + Seemed they, glared so defiantly: + Yet they, too, cowered to behold + Prone before JACK the Giant lie. + + Yes! Where is TIM, where PRUE, alack! + Where mother fondly pliant now? + Where for that matter too is JACK, + And where the grisly Giant now? + In lonely stall, with vacant brow + I sit and eye the _coryphées_: + In my time they were Fairies; now + They seem to me but sorry fays. + + The pageantry is twice as grand, + The wealth of wealth embarrasses; + And yet this is not elfinland + But great AUGUSTUS HARRIS's. + The _blasé_ children vote it flat, + When Mister Clown cries, "Here's a go!" + Yes, there's the box where erst we sat + And laughed so, sixty years ago. + + The very box: I think, you know, + The reason I'm so queer to-night + Is merely because long ago + Here faces were not here to-night. + I'd best be off--Bless me! no Clown? + No Stage?--no Past invidious? + No Orchestra?--but simply BROWN + Snoring the midnight hideous! + + No Drury Lane?--no tinsel flare?-- + No pirouetting Bogeydom?-- + Only a Club, and one who there + Forgot in sleep his Fogeydom! + Welcome my Transformation Scene; + I'm dull once more, and every + Old Bachelor like me, I ween, + May muse at times his reverie. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., Jan. 17, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 *** diff --git a/12866-h/12866-h.htm b/12866-h/12866-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..408682c --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/12866-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2216 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, January 17, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 17, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/25-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25-1.png" + alt="<h3>OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.</h3>DRAWING A BADGER." /> + </a> + + <h3>OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.</h3>DRAWING A BADGER. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S.</h3> + + <h4><i>Before the effigy of</i> Dr. KOCH, <i>who is represented + in the act of examining a test-tube with the expression of + bland blamelessness peculiar to Wax Models.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Well-informed Visitor</i>. That's Dr. KOCH, making his + great discovery!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/25-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Unscientific V.</i> What did <i>he</i> discover?</p> + + <p><i>Well-inf. V.</i> Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got + it in that bottle he's holding up.</p> + + <p><i>Unsc. V.</i> And what's the good of it, now he <i>has</i> + discovered it?</p> + + <p><i>Well-inf. V.</i> Good? Why, it's the thing that causes + <i>consumption</i>, you know!</p> + + <p><i>Unsc. V.</i> Then it's a pity he didn't leave it + alone!</p> + + <h4><i>Before a Scene representing "The Home Life At + Sandringham."</i></h4> + + <p><i>First Old Lady</i> (<i>with Catalogue</i>). It says here + that "the note the page is handing <i>may</i> have come from + Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the Comptroller of the Royal Household" + Fancy <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Second Old Lady</i>. He's brought it in in his fingers. + Now <i>that</i>'s a thing I never allow in <i>my</i> house. I + always tell SARAH to bring all letters, and even circulars, in + on a tray!</p> + + <h4><i>Before a Scene representing the late</i> FRED ARCHER, + <i>mounted, on Ascot Race-course.</i></h4> + + <p><i>A. Sportsman</i>. H'm—ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have + backed his mount in <i>that</i> race!</p> + + <h4><i>Before "The Library at Hawarden."</i></h4> + + <p><i>Gladstonian Enthusiast</i> (<i>to</i> Friend, <i>who, + with the perverse ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been + endeavouring to identify the</i> Rev. JOHN WESLEY <i>among the + Cabinet in Downing Street</i>). Oh, never mind all that lot, + BETSY; they're only the <i>Gover'ment</i>! Here's dear Mr. and + Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for something in + a drawer of his side-board—ain't that <i>natural</i>? And + only look—a lot of people have been leaving Christmas + cards on him (<i>a pretty and touching tribute of affection, + which is eminently characteristic of a warm-hearted + Public</i>). I wish I'd thought o' bringing one with me!</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. So do I. We might send one 'ere by + post—but it'll have to be a New Year Card now!</p> + + <p><i>A Strict Old Lady</i> (<i>before next group</i>). Who are + these two? "Mr. 'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in + <i>Faust</i>," eh? No—I don't care to stop to see + them—that's play-actin', that is—and I don't 'old + with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' + of over here? What—Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING + at the High Altar at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and + don't encourage Popery by looking at such figures. I <i>did</i> + 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and the prambilator somewheres. + I <i>should</i> like to see that, now.</p> + + <h3>IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY.</h3> + + <p><i>An Aunt</i> (<i>who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine + of useful information</i>). Look, BOBBY, dear (<i>reading</i>). + "Here we have CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '<i>Nights of + Straparola</i>,' an Italian romancist, whose book was + translated into French in the year 1585—"</p> + + <p><i>Bobby</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). Oh, then it <i>isn't</i> + Puss in Boots!</p> + + <p><i>A Genial Grandfather</i> (<i>pausing before "Crusoe and + Friday"</i>). Well, PERCY, my boy, you know who <i>that</i> is, + at all events—eh?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. I suppose it is STANLEY—but it's not + very like.</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> STANLEY!—Why, bless my soul, never + heard of <i>Robinson Crusoe</i> and his man <i>Friday</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Oh, I've <i>heard</i> of them, of + course—they come in Pantomimes—but I like more + grown-up sort of books myself, you know. Is this girl asleep + <i>She</i>?</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> No—at least—well, I expect it's + "<i>The Sleeping Beauty</i>." You remember her, of + course—all about the ball, and the glass slipper, and her + father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the palace, + eh?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time + for general reading than we get. (<i>He looks through a + practicable cottage window.</i>) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not + badly stuffed!</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> Why that must be "<i>Old Mother + Hubbard</i>." (<i>Quoting from memory.</i>) "Old Mother Hubbard + sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas pie—or a + <i>bone</i> was it?"</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Don't know. It's not in <i>Selections from + British Poetry</i>, which we have to get up for "rep."</p> + + <p><i>The Aunt</i> (<i>reading from Catalogue</i>). "The absurd + ambulations of this antique person, and the equally absurd + antics of her dog, need no recapitulation." Here's "<i>Jack the + Giant Killer</i>" next. Listen, BOBBY, to what it says about + him here. (<i>Reads.</i>) "It is clearly the last transmutation + of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, of + CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when + he first settled in Britain. But more than this"—I hope + you're listening, BOBBY?—"<i>more</i> than this, it is + quite evident, even to the superficial student of Greek + mythology, that many of the main incidents and ornaments are + borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and HOMER." Think of that, + now!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[BOBBY <i>thinks of it, with depression.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> (<i>before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling + new lamps for old</i>). Here you are, you see! "<i>Ali + Baba</i>," got 'em all here, you see. Never read your + "<i>Arabian Nights</i>," either! Is that the way they bring up + boys nowadays!</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a + fellow reads that kind of thing when he's <i>young</i>, he + doesn't get a chance afterwards.</p> + + <p><i>The Aunt</i> (<i>still quoting</i>). "In the famous + work," BOBBY, "by which we know MASÛDI, he mentions the Persian + Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,—nor have commentators failed to + notice that the occasion of the book written for the Princess + HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew Bible about + ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two or + three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew <i>that</i> before!... + This is "<i>Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea</i>"—let's + see what they say about <i>him</i>. (<i>Reads.</i>) "Both the + story of <i>Sindbad</i> and the old Basque legend of Tartaro + are undoubtedly borrowed from the <i>Odyssey</i> of HOMER, + whose <i>Iliad</i> and <i>Odyssey</i> were translated into + Syriac in the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how + interesting, now! and, BOBBY, what <i>do</i> you think someone + says about "<i>Jack and the Beanstalk</i>"? He says—"this + tale is an allegory of the Teutonic Al-fader, the red hen + representing the all-producing sun: the moneybags, the + fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm sure it + seems likely enough, doesn't it?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[BOBBY <i>suppresses a yawn</i>; PERCY's <i>feelings are + outraged by receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; + general move to the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>Before the Hampstead Tableaux.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Spectators</i>. Dear, dear, there's the <i>dresser</i>, + you see, and the window, broken and all; it's wonderful how + they can <i>do</i> it! And there's poor Mrs. 'OGG—it's + real butter and a real loaf she's cutting, and the poor baby, + too!... Here's the actual casts taken after they were murdered. + Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling the + perambulator—it's the <i>very</i> perambulator! No, not + the very one—they've got <i>that</i> at the other place, + and the piece of toffee the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, + we <i>must</i> try and go there, too, before the children's + holidays are over. And this is all? Well, well, everything very + nice, I <i>will</i> say. But a pity they couldn't get the + <i>real</i> perambulator!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>BURNS VERSUS BURNS.</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE—"<i>Push + about the + Jorum!</i>"</h3><a href="images/26.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/26.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, let us not like snarling tykes,</p> + + <p class="i2">In wrangling be divided;</p> + + <p>Till slap comes in an uncoo loon</p> + + <p class="i2">And with a rung decide it.</p> + + <p>Be Britain still to Britain true,</p> + + <p class="i2">Among oursels united;</p> + + <p>For never but by British hands</p> + + <p class="i2">Maun British wrongs be righted!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">ROBERT BURNS's "<i>Dumfries + Volunteers</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Shade of</i> BURNS, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS,</p> + + <p class="i2">My namesake—in a fashion,</p> + + <p>You do my Scots the warst o' turns</p> + + <p class="i2">Sae stirrin' up their passion.</p> + + <p>Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks?</p> + + <p class="i2">Or frae the County Council?</p> + + <p>Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks;</p> + + <p class="i2">We take your brag and bounce ill!</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Does Cockneydom invasion threat?</p> + + <p class="i2">Then let the louns beware, Sir!</p> + + <p>Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet,</p> + + <p class="i2">And for hersel' can fare, Sir.</p> + + <p>The Thames shall run to join the Tweed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Criffel adorn Thames valley,</p> + + <p>'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed</p> + + <p class="i2">On Scottish ground shall rally.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A man's a man for a' that, JOHN,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ane's as good as tither;</p> + + <p>But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN,</p> + + <p class="i2">That mutinies in bad weather.</p> + + <p>Nae flouts to "honest industry"</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall fa' frae the + Exciseman;</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <p>But ane who blaws up strife like this,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wisdom deems not a wise man.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scot business may be out o' tune,</p> + + <p class="i2">True harmony may fail in't,</p> + + <p>But deil a cockney tinkler loon</p> + + <p class="i2">We need to rant and rail in't.</p> + + <p>Our fathers on occasion fought,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so can we, if needed;</p> + + <p>But windy words with frenzy fraught</p> + + <p class="i2">Sound Scots should pass unheeded.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let toilers not, like snarling tykes,</p> + + <p class="i2">In wrangling be divided,</p> + + <p>Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Steps in, and we're derided.</p> + + <p>Be Scotland still to Scotland true,</p> + + <p class="i2">Amang oursels united;</p> + + <p>'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you</p> + + <p class="i2">Our wrangs shall best be righted.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The knave who'd crush the toilers doun,</p> + + <p class="i2">And him, his true-born brither,</p> + + <p>Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown,</p> + + <p class="i2">Should be kicked out together.</p> + + <p>Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen!</p> + + <p class="i2">Scots cherish throne and steeple,</p> + + <p>But while we sing "<i>God save the + Queen</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> won't forget the + People.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A LENGTHY NOVEL.—<i>A Thousand Lines of Her Own</i>, + in 3000 vols., by the Authoress of <i>A Line of Her Own</i>, in + 3 vols. N.B.—What a long line this must be to occupy + three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/27.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID." /></a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.</h3> + + <p><i>Small Stranger</i> (<i>to Master of the house</i>). + "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS OPENS THE DOOR <i>WILL</i> GIVE IT + YER, IF YER RING <i>THAT</i> BELL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC GOSSIP.</h2> + + <p>During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, + <i>Ivanhoe</i>, a grave objection to the subject occurred to + him, which was, that one of the chief personages in the + <i>dramatis personæ</i> must be "Gilbert"—<i>i.e.</i>, + <i>Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert</i>. True, that <i>Sir Brian</i> + is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous + disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he + couldn't change the character's name to <i>Sir Brian de + Bois-Sullivan</i>, and Mr. D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his + name to appear in the bill except as Lessee. "I can't put him + in simply as <i>Sir Brian</i>," said the puzzled Composer, + "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my librettist + will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But the + name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," + objected D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out + of a hundred," answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, + persistently, "it isn't spelt the same." "No," replied Sir + ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; there's 'u' and 'i' in it; + we're both mixed up with this <i>Guilbert</i>." Fortunately, + the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as a + memento of the happy termination to the temporary + misunderstanding, Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, + designed to call the character "<i>Sir Brian de + Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan</i>." Whether the mysterious + librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the + public ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or + not, it is now pretty certain that there will be no departure + from the great novelist's original nomenclature.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A BREACH OF VERACITY.—According to the papers, the + Chief Secretary's Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of + clothing designed for the poor in the West of Ireland, sent in + response to the request of Lord ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. + We understand there is no truth in the report, that amongst the + first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. O'BRIEN's + br—s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go + to prison again, he had no further use for the article.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW IRISH DRINK.—The Parnellite "Split."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A REMINISCENCE OF C.K.</h2> + + <p>The excellent article in the <i>Times</i> on the 6th inst. + upon CHARLES KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the + <i>P.M.G.</i> of a day earlier performed his self-imposed task + with a judicious and loving hand, and, as far as I can judge, + his account of our lamented colleague seems to be correct. As + to our CARLO's Mastership in his Black-and-White Art, there can + be but one opinion among Artists. Those who possess the whole + of the <i>Once a Week</i> series will there find admirable + specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most + striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I + remember a story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An + artistic friend was in KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, + pipe in mouth, of course. "I can't understand," said his + friend, "how you produce that effect of distance in so small a + picture." "O—um—easy enough," replied KEENE. "Look + here,"—and—<i>he did it</i>. But when and how he + gave <i>the</i> touch which made the effect, his friend, + following his work closely, was unable to discover. F.C.B.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.—There is always something fresh + coming out at Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond + Street. Their latest novelty is the result of a caravan tour + from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend upon it, he found it very nice!" + said Young PAR, regardless of propriety and pronunciation) by + Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS utilised such an expedition + from a literary point of view in his inimitable "<i>Cruise upon + Wheels</i>," and this young artist has turned similar + wanderings to good artistic account. His <i>cartes de + visite</i>—no, I beg pardon, his <i>caravans de + visite</i>—are numerous and varied. Verily, my brethren, + all is caravanity! Not altogether, for Mr. SAINTON, in addition + to returning with his caravan and himself, has brought back an + interesting collection of original and delicate works in oil + and silver-point—in short, taken every caravantage of his + special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"—Twenty-three American + ships, 118 guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, + 1,229 men; and seven German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 + men—all in "Pacific" waters! Looks like Pacific, doesn't + it?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XI.—THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE.</h3> + + <h4><i>By</i> READER FAGHARD, <i>Author of "Queen Bathsheba's + Ewers," "Yawn," "Guess," "Me," "My Ma's at Penge," "Smallun + Halfboy," "General Porridge, D.T.," "Me a Kiss," "The + Hemisphere's Wish</i>," &c., &c.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>[In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of + this novel, the Author gives a description of his literary + method. We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been + accused of plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is + ridiculous. Nature is the great plagiarist, the sucker of + the brains of authors. There is no situation, however + romantic or grotesque, which Nature does not sooner or + later appropriate. Therefore the more natural an author is, + the more liable is he to envious accusations of + plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in an absence + of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially + humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied + at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South + African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, + '<i>Ars Langa Rider brevis</i>,' and a very good motto too. + I like writing in couples. Personally I could never have + bothered myself to learn up all these quaint myths and + literary fairy tales, but LANG likes it."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/28.png" + alt="Then a strange thing happened." /></a>"Then a + strange thing happened." + </div> + + <p>My name is SMALLUN HALFBOY, a curious name for an old fellow + like me, who have been battered and knocked about all over the + world from Yorkshire to South Africa. I'm not much of a hand at + writing, but, bless your heart, I know the <i>Bab Ballads</i> + by heart, and I can tell you it's no end of a joke quoting them + everywhere, especially when you quote out of an entirely + different book. I am not a brave man, but nobody ever was a + surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever killed more + Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But I do + love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, + with gashes and slashes and lopped heads and arms and legs + rolling about everywhere. Black blood is the best variety; I + mean the blood of black men, because nobody really cares + twopence about them, and you can massacre several thousands of + them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no single soul. And, + after all, I am not certain that black men have any souls, so + that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the <i>Bab + Ballads</i>.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>I was staying with my old friend Sir HENRY HURTUS last + winter at his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting + all day with indifferent results, and were returning home + fagged and weary with our rifles over our shoulders. I ought to + have mentioned that COODENT—of course, you remember + Captain COODENT, R.N.—was of the party. Ever since he had + found his legs so much admired by an appreciative public, he + had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to show them. This, + however, was not done from vanity, I think, but rather from a + high sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to be + born with personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any + sense of false modesty from gratifying the reading public by + their display. Lord, how we had laughed to see him struggling + through the clinging brambles in Sir HENRY's coverts with his + eye-glass in his eye and his Express at the trail. At every + step his unfortunate legs had been more and more torn, until + there was literally not a scrap of sound skin upon them + anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had roared when old + VELVETEENS the second keeper had brought up to poor COODENT a + lump of flesh from his right leg, which he had found sticking + on a thorn-bush in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly Sir + HENRY stopped and shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously. We + all imitated him, though for my part, not being a sportsman, I + had no notion what was up. "What's the time of day, Sir HENRY?" + I ventured to whisper. Sir HENRY never looked at me, but took + out his massive gold Winchester repeater and consulted it in a + low voice. "Four thirty," I heard him say, "they are about + due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. + "Duck, duck!" shouted Sir HENRY, now thoroughly aroused. I + immediately did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not + know what might be coming, and I am a very timid man. At that + moment I heard a joint report from Sir HENRY and COODENT. It + gave on the whole a very favourable view of the situation, and + by its light I saw six fine mallard, four teal and three + widgeon come hurtling down, as dead as so many door-nails, and + much heavier on the top of my prostrate body.</p> + + <p>When I recovered Sir HENRY was bending over me and pouring + brandy down my throat. COODENT was sitting on the ground + binding up his legs. "My dear old friend," said Sir HENRY, in + his kindest tone, "this Yorkshire is too dangerous. My mind is + made up. This very night we all start for Mariannakookaland. + There at least our lives will be safe."</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a month + travelling on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the + scorching African sun which all but burnt us in our + <i>treks</i>. Our <i>Veldt</i> slippers were worn out, and our + pace was consequently reduced to the merest <i>Kraal</i>. At + rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had seen Stars + and heard of Echoes, but now not a single <i>Kopje</i> was + left, and we were trudging along mournfully with our blistered + <i>tongas</i> protruding from our mouths.</p> + + <p>Suddenly Sir HENRY spoke—"SMALLUN, my old friend," he + said, "do you see anything in the distance?"</p> + + <p>I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see + nothing but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir HENRY. I swept + the distance with my glance. It was a sandy, arid distance, + and, naturally enough, a small cloud of dust appeared. Then a + strange thing happened. The cloud grew and grew. It came + rolling towards us with an unearthly noise. Then it seemed to + be cleft in two, as by lightning, and from its centre came + marching towards us a mighty army of Amazonian warriors, in + battle-array, chanting the war-song of the Mariannakookas. I + must confess that my first instinct was to fly, my second to + run, my third, and best, to remain rooted to the spot. When the + army came within ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by magic, + and a stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the + Commander-in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore + an immense native jelibag, tricked out with feathers; her + breast was encased in a huge silver <i>tureene</i>. Her waist + was encircled with a broad girdle, in which were stuck all + manner of deadly arms, <i>stuhpans, sorspans, spîhts</i>, and + <i>deeshecloutz</i>. In her left hand she carried a + deadly-looking <i>kaster</i>, while in her right she brandished + a massive <i>rolinpin</i>, a frightful weapon, which produces + internal wounds of the most awful kind. Her regiments were + similarly armed, save that, in their case, the breast-covering + was made of inferior metal, and they wore no feathers in their + head-dress. The Commander held up her hand. Instantly the + war-song ceased. Then the Commander addressed us, and her voice + sounded like the song of them that address the + <i>butchaboys</i> in the morning. And this was the + <i>torque</i> she hurled at us,—</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am + She-who-will-never-Obey, the Queen of the Mariannakookas. I + rule above, and in nether regions, where there is Eternal Fire. + Behold my Word goes forth, and the Ovens are made hot, and the + <i>Kee-chen-boi-lars</i> are filled with Water. Over me no + Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save + only the <i>Weeklibuks</i>; them I keep not down, for they + delight me. And the land over which I reign is made glad with + fat and much stored up <i>Dripn</i>. Who are ye, and what seek + ye here? Speak ere it be too late!" And as she ceased the whole + army broke forth into a chorus, "She-who-will-never-Obey has + spoken! The Word is gone forth! Speak, speak!" I confess I was + alarmed, and my fears were not diminished when two of the + <i>Skulrimehds</i> (a sort of native camp-follower) came up to + COODENT and me, and actually began to make love to us in the + most forward manner. But Sir HENRY maintained his calm + demeanour. "She-who-will-never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful + traders. We bring no Commission—" how his sentence would + have ended will never be known. Certain it is that what he said + roused the Amazons to a frenzy of passion. They yelled and + danced round us. "He who <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> brings no Commission must + die!" they shouted; and in a moment we found ourselves bound + tightly hand-and-foot, and marching as prisoners of war in + the centre of the Mariannakookaland army.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4> + + <p>It is unnecessary to go through the details of our + marvellous escape from the lowest dungeon of the royal Palace + of SURVAN TSAUL, where for months we were immured on a constant + diet of suet pudding. Of course we did escape, but only after + killing ten thousand Mariannakookas, and then swimming for a + mile in their blood. COODENT brought with him a very pretty + <i>Skulrimehd</i> who had grown attached to him, but she + drooped and pined away after he lost his false teeth in + crossing a river, and tried to replace them with orange-peel, a + trick he had learnt at school. Sir HENRY's fight with + She-who-will-never-Obey is still remembered. He will carry the + marks of her nails on his cheeks to his grave. I myself am + tired of wandering. "<i>Home, Sweet Home</i>," as the <i>Bab + Ballads</i> have it, is the place for me.</p> + + <center> + THE END. + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Reciter.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/29-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our + town.</p> + + <p>We laughed enough the opening night to bring the + theatre down.</p> + + <p>The piece was <i>Burleybumbo</i>, <i>the Old Giant, + and his Men</i>;</p> + + <p><i>Fairy Starlight, Little Popsey, and the Demon of + the Glen</i>.</p> + + <p>The Supers were collected from the local talent + round,</p> + + <p>And for <i>Burleybumbo's</i> servant the Blacksmith, + JOHN, they found;</p> + + <p>A stalwart varlet was required to carry off his + foes</p> + + <p>To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he + chose.</p> + + <p>His minions, who wore hideous masks, had nothing + much to say,</p> + + <p>So an IRVING was not wanted to do their part of the + play.</p> + + <p>On this eventful night the house was packed from + roof to pit,</p> + + <p>And the Manager was jubilant at having made a + hit.</p> + + <p>The Curtain drawing slowly up, revealed a flowery + glade,</p> + + <p>In which the <i>Fairy Starlight</i> and her lovely + maidens played.</p> + + <p>The wicked Demon then came on, and round the stage + did glower;</p> + + <p>No mortal man could e'er withstand his wrath or evil + power.</p> + + <p>Last of all came <i>Burleybumbo</i> with his crew, a + motley horde,</p> + + <p>Our old friend, Blacksmith JOHN, was in attendance + on his lord.</p> + + <p>They were singing and carousing, when a man rushed + in to say</p> + + <p>That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down + that way.</p> + + <p>The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes + that they might plunder</p> + + <p>The unsuspecting wayfarers. Alas! now came the + blunder:</p> + + <p>Old JOHN he wouldn't hide himself, but coolly walked + about</p> + + <p>Advancing to the footlights, he looked + around—but hark! a shout:—</p> + + <p>"Confound you! Dash my—! Just come off! Hi, + you! Who are you? JOHN!"</p> + + <p>"Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I've only just + come on!"</p> + + <p>Thus saying, he lumbered round the stage. The + Prompter's heart had sunk:</p> + + <p>No doubt about the matter—<i>Burleybumbo's</i> + man is drunk!</p> + + <p>"Come off! Come off!" from every wing was now the + angry cry.</p> + + <p>"Me off, indeed! Oh, would yer? Sh'like to see the + feller try!"</p> + + <p><i>Burleybumbo</i> then appeared, and vainly tried + to drag him back.</p> + + <p>JOHN stove his pasteboard head in with a most + refreshing crack.</p> + + <p>The wicked Demon now rushed on; his supernatural + might</p> + + <p>Was very little use to him on this surprising + night.</p> + + <p>He tried to push him down the glade, but here again + JOHN sold him;</p> + + <p>He caught the Demon round the waist, and at the + Prompter bowled him.</p> + + <p>Ah! such a shindy ne'er was seen, such riot and such + rage—</p> + + <p>It was the finest "rally" ever seen on any + stage!</p> + + <p>'Mid shrieks and cat-calls, whistles shrill, + hysterics and guffaws,</p> + + <p>They rang the Curtain down amidst uproarious + applause.</p> + + <p>The piece is still a great success; but, I regret to + say,</p> + + <p>JOHN's name appears no longer in the bills of that + fine play!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NOT INSIDE OUT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair Maiden, you're looking a vision of beauty,</p> + + <p>You may comfort yourself you've no rival to + fear;</p> + + <p>But you won't take it ill if I feel it my duty</p> + + <p>To whisper a word of advice in your ear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, the word would be this—when the daylight + is dawning,</p> + + <p>Or, at any rate, when it's more early than late,</p> + + <p>Pray remember the coachman, who, fitfully + yawning</p> + + <p>Outside in the street, finds it weary to wait.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You reck not at all of the hours that are + fleeting,</p> + + <p>You ask for an "extra"—you can't be + denied.</p> + + <p>But though, doubtless, soft nothings may set your + heart beating,</p> + + <p>Yet they're awfully cold for the people outside.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Want of thought, not of heart, is the reason as + ever,</p> + + <p>So if you find leisure to read through this + rhyme,</p> + + <p>When you order your carriage, in future + endeavour</p> + + <p>To prevent any waiting—by being in time,</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>The Publisher of <i>The Century Illustrated Monthly + Magazine</i>, earnestly requests the reviewer, appealing to his + heart in the reddest of red ink, on a slip of paper pasted on + to the cover of the Magazine, not to extract and quote more + than one column of "Talleyrand's Memoirs," which appear in this + number for January. The Publisher of the <i>C.I.M.M.</i> does + not appeal personally to the Baron—who is now the last, + bar one, of the Barons, and that bar one is one at the + Bar,—but, for all that, the Baron hereby and hereon takes + his solummest Half-a-Davey or his entire Davey, that he will + not write, engrave, or represent, or cause to be, &c, for + purposes of quotation, one single word, much less line, of + <i>Tallyho</i>—beg pardon, of + <i>Talleyrand</i>,—extracts from whose memoirs are now + appearing in the aforesaid <i>C.I.M.M.</i> But all he will say + at present is this, that, if the secret and private Memoirs + haven't got in them anything more thrilling or startling, or + out of the merest common-place, than appears in this number of + the <i>C.I.M.M.</i>, then the Baron will say that he would + prefer reading such contributions as M. de BLOWITZ's story of + "How he became a Special," or <i>The Pigmies of the African + Forest</i> by HENRY M. STANLEY in the same number of this + Mag.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/29-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>What the Baron dearly loves is, ELLIOT STOCK-IN-TRADE <i>The + Book-worm</i>, always most interesting to Book-worms, and + almost as interesting to Book-grubs or Book-butterflies. By the + way, the publishing office of <i>The Book-worm</i> ought to be + in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is <i>The Book-worm</i> + an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in the Old + Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is + shown from a modern instance, well and wisely commented upon in + this very number for January, No. 38, which is excellent food + for worms; the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of + Worms. Success to the <i>Book-worm</i>! May it grow to double + the size, and be a glow-worm, to enlighten us in the bye-paths + of literature. "<i>Prosit!</i>" says the Baron.</p> + + <p>I would that some one would write of BROWNING's work as + HENRY VAN DYKE has written of TENNYSON's. To the superficial + and cursory reader of the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the + fire on a winter's night, the wind howling over the sea, and + the snow drifting against the window, and being chucked in + handfuls down the chimney, and frizzling on the fire, says, get + this book, published by ELKIN MATHEWS: <i>ça donne à + penser</i>, and this is its great merit. "Come into the Garden, + Maud"—no, thank you, not to-night; but give me my + shepherd's pipe, with the fragrant bird's-eye in it, with + [Greek: ton grogon], while I sit by the cheerful fire, in the + best of good company—my books.</p> + + <p>Our Mr. GRIFFITHES (CHESTER, MAYHEW, BROOME, AND GRIFFITHES) + has been all the way <i>From Bedford Row to Swazieland</i>, and + has written a lively narrative of his perilous journey. He went + on a professional retainer. You don't catch Bedford Row in + Swazieland on other terms. Being there, he kept his eyes open, + saw a good deal, and describes his impressions in racy fashion. + He did not like the coffee served <i>en route</i>, and was + disappointed with the Southern Cross; but on the whole enjoyed + the trip. One would naturally expect that the price of his book + would be six-and-eight-pence, or, regarding it in the form of a + letter, three-and-fourpence, but BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. + issue it at a shilling.</p> + + <p>THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH." /></a> + + <h3>WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h3> + + <p><i>Our Artist</i>. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PORTRAITS, + MISS BUNNY? THE SITTERS ARE ALL OLD FRIENDS OF YOURS, I + BELIEVE?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Bunny</i> (<i>triumphantly</i>). "YES; AND, ONLY + THINK, I'VE ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GUESS THEM ALL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ARBITRATION.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Seal, suddenly emerging, loquitur</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Belay, you two lubbers, avast there! avast + there!</p> + + <p class="i2">What signifies squalling and + squabbling?</p> + + <p>You're both argufying a good bit too fast there,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst that which you stand on seems + wobbling.</p> + + <p>You'll be in a mess, Messmates, shortly, the pair of + you.</p> + + <p class="i2">Give <i>me</i> a thought in the + matter!</p> + + <p><i>My</i> interest's at stake, and it isn't quite + fair of you</p> + + <p class="i2">Me to ignore 'midst your clatter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If 'twere not for me, Mates, this cold Behring's + Sea, Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">Would hardly strike you as so + tempting.</p> + + <p>Do grant your poor prey, if I may make so free, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">From slaughter some annual exempting!</p> + + <p>I'm worried and walloped without intermission</p> + + <p class="i2">Until even family duties</p> + + <p>Quite fail, whilst your countrymen cudgel and fish + on.</p> + + <p class="i2">By Jingo, some of 'em are beauties!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My poor wife and children have not half a chance, + Mates.</p> + + <p class="i2">That's not to your interest, I + reckon.</p> + + <p>Cease shindy, and on a new course make advance, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where sense and humanity beckon.</p> + + <p>There's not much of either in cruelly clubbing</p> + + <p class="i2">My progeny all out of season;</p> + + <p>And if you are bent upon mutual drubbing,</p> + + <p class="i2">You must quite have parted with + reason.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mare clausum</i>, be blowed! That's all BLAINE's + big bow-wow, Mates.</p> + + <p class="i2">Men can't thus monopolise oceans.</p> + + <p>Diplomacy <i>must</i> find a compromise now, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, well—I have told you <i>my</i> + notions.</p> + + <p>Give me a close-time,—I shall be very + grateful—</p> + + <p class="i2">And leave the Sea open! What more, + Mates?</p> + + <p>For brothers like you to be huffing, is hateful.</p> + + <p class="i2">Be friends, think of me, + and—<i>bong swor</i>, Mates!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Dives under.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>UP-TO-TIME TABLE, FROM THE NORTH.</h2> + + <table summary="Timetable" + align="center" + border="1"> + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="center">Morning<br /> + Fast.</td> + + <td align="center">Mineral<br /> + and Parl.</td> + + <td align="center">General<br /> + Express.</td> + + <td align="center">Traffic and<br /> + Even. Mail.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Edinburgh<br /> + (Waverley Station)</td> + + <td align="center">7 A.M. to<br /> + 9.30</td> + + <td align="center">11 A.M. A</td> + + <td align="center">Noon F</td> + + <td align="center">9 P.M. L</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Carlisle</td> + + <td align="center">12.15</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Hawick</td> + + <td align="center">4.30</td> + + <td align="center">B</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Galashiels</td> + + <td align="center">9.45</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">2.15 G</td> + + <td align="center">1 A.M. M</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"> + Motherwell<big><big><big><big>{</big></big></big></big></td> + + <td align="center">1 P.M.<br /> + (Stopped<br /> + by riot)</td> + + <td align="center"> + <big><big><big><big>}</big></big></big></big>4 P.M. + C</td> + + <td align="center">3.19 H</td> + + <td align="center">3.20 N</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">St. Margaret's Works</td> + + <td align="center">3.30</td> + + <td align="center">5 D</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Perth</td> + + <td align="center">9.45 A.M.</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">11.26 I</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Glasgow</td> + + <td align="left">12.30 P.M.</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aberfeldy</td> + + <td align="left">6.13</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Dundee</td> + + <td align="left">1.12 A.M.</td> + + <td align="center">3 A.M.to 9</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Inverness</td> + + <td align="left">9.23</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">3.5 J</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aberdeen</td> + + <td align="left">11.6</td> + + <td align="center">7 P.M.? E</td> + + <td align="center">1 A.M. K</td> + + <td align="center">O</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>A—Takes delayed pig-iron and third-class passengers. + B—Half of train stops here through breaking an axle-pin. + C—Passengers, for protection, get under seats of + carriages. D—Stops for repairs. E—Having had a + collision at the junction for Aberfeldy, will come on, if there + are any passengers equal to finishing the journey.</p> + + <p>F—Starts under the management of a Director, and, + owing to a misunderstanding, dashes off to Aberdeen, without + stopping. G—Doesn't stop, but knocks over a + station-master. H—Is pelted as it tears through the + station by <i>ex-employés</i>. I—Knocks over another + station-master. J—Meets a pilot-engine, which it splits + in half. K—Goes at full speed through the end of the + terminus, depositing the passengers in a heap in the middle of + the town.</p> + + <p>L—Train starts, made up of horse-boxes and + luggage-vans full of three weeks' arrears of parcels, + first-class carriages, Post-office van, fifty coal-trucks, and + a wild beast show, the Directors wishing to make up for lost + time. M—Train breaking down here, mail and passengers + only forwarded. N—Train attacked by rioters. Pitched + battle with the passengers. O—Telegram from Motherwell + saying, that owing to police intervention, train starts the day + after to-morrow.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/31.png" + alt="ARBITRATION." /></a> + + <h3>ARBITRATION.</h3> + + <p>THE SEAL. "BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!—AVAST + QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A 'CLOSE-TIME,' AND LEAVE THE 'SEA' AN + OPEN QUESTION."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/33.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33.png" + alt="SHOCKING!" /></a> + + <h3>SHOCKING!</h3> + + <p><i>Fair New-Englander</i> (<i>spending the Winter in the + Old Country</i>). "OH, WHAT A LOVE! AND IS IT THE FIRST YOU + HAVE SHOT THIS YEAR, CAPTAIN RASPER?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Drama Founded—more or less—upon + Facts.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT I.—"PAST."—<i>Interior of the Savings + Bank Department of the G.P.O.</i> Employés <i>engaged upon + their work. The hour for customary cessation of labour + strikes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Official of a Higher Grade</i>. Officers and Gentlemen, + the exigencies of the Public Service require your presence for + some time longer. I beg you to continue your work.</p> + + <p><i>A Hundred Employés</i>. Never! (<i>Aside.</i>) Ha! ha! + the employment of Female Clerks is avenged!</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> (<i>almost in tears</i>). Reconsider your + decision, I beg—I implore!</p> + + <p><i>Another Hundred Employés</i>. Never! (<i>Aside.</i>) + Seven hours a day and no longer—shall be secured at one + fell swoop!</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> (<i>with indescribable emotion</i>). Oh, my + country! Oh, my Savings Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the + Civil Service!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Faints in the arms of faithful</i> Employés, + <i>whilst the other Clerks defiantly depart. + Tableau.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT II.—"PRESENT."—<i>Magnificent apartments + of the</i> P.-M.-Gen. <i>in the G.P.O. Deputation of + contrite</i> Employés <i>listening to the eloquent speech + of their Official Chief.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>P.M.G.</i> (<i>in effect</i>). I am delighted that you + are such good fellows. Your conduct in owning that you were + wrong in refusing to work after regular official hours, almost + effaces a painful page in the history of St. Martin's-le-Grand. + Let it be clearly understood that extra work is <i>not</i> + compulsory, <i>but</i>, if <i>not</i> undertaken, may lead (as + in the present instance) to immediate suspension, if not + dismissal. Surely no one can object to that? (<i>Contrite</i> + Officials <i>express mournful approval.</i>) And now good-bye, + and A Happy New Year. As for the future—hope, my good + friends, hope!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt the contrite</i> Employés, <i>leaving the</i> + Officials of a Higher Grade <i>agitating the nerves + controlling their eyelids spasmodically.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT III.—"FUTURE."—<i>Same Scene as Act + I.</i> Venerable Employés <i>discovered, after twenty + years' further service.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Venerable Employé</i>. Remember the words spoken a + score of winters ago—Hope, brother, hope!</p> + + <p><i>Second Venerable Employé</i>. Yes—Hope, brother, + hope!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are + left continuing the self-sustaining, but rather profitless + employment, indefinitely. Curtain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p><i>A Son of the Pool</i>. By the Author of <i>A Daughter of + the Pyramids</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>Charles Keene</h2> + + <h4>BORN AUGUST 10, 1823. DIED JANUARY 4, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What words avail to honour friends departed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gone from the gatherings which so long + they graced?</p> + + <p>What phrase seems fit when comrades + loyal-hearted</p> + + <p class="i2">Mourn a loved presence late by death + displaced?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No formal elegiacs fashioned coldly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beseem the memory of that manly soul,</p> + + <p>Whose simple, downright spirit trod so boldly</p> + + <p class="i2">Life's most sequestered ways from start + to goal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not rank's trim pleasaunce, nor parades of + fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Tempted his genius; his the great + highway</p> + + <p>Where, free from courtly pride and modish + passion,</p> + + <p class="i2">Toil tramps, free humours crowd, rough + wastrels stray.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fixing for ever on his chosen page</p> + + <p>In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly</p> + + <p class="i2">The crowded pageant of a passing age.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What an array! How varied a procession!</p> + + <p class="i2">The humours of the parlour, shop, and + street;</p> + + <p>Philistia's every calling, craft, profession,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cockneydom's cheery cheek and patter + fleet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scotch dryness, Irish unction and cajolery,</p> + + <p class="i2">Waiterdom's wiles, Deacondom's pomp of + port;</p> + + <p>Rustic simplicity, domestic drollery,</p> + + <p class="i2">The freaks of Service and the fun of + Sport;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of touch so certain, and of charm so + fresh,</p> + + <p>As to lend dignity to Cabmen railing,</p> + + <p class="i2">To fustianed clods and fogies full of + flesh.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor human humours only; who so tender</p> + + <p class="i2">Of touch when sunny Nature + out-of-doors</p> + + <p>Wooed his deft pencil? Who like him could render</p> + + <p class="i2">Meadow or hedgerow, turnip-field, or + moor?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Snowy perspective, long suburban winding</p> + + <p class="i2">Of bowery road-way, villa-edged and + trim.</p> + + <p>Iron-railed city street, where gas-lamps + blinding</p> + + <p class="i2">Glare through the foggy distance dense + and dim?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All with that broad free force, whose + fascination</p> + + <p class="i2">All felt, and artists most, that + dexterous sleight</p> + + <p>Which gave our land the unchallenged + consummation</p> + + <p class="i2">Of graphic mastery in + Black-and-White.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pleasant to dwell on, and a proud possession,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now the tired hand that shaped that world + is still,</p> + + <p>Leaving an ineffaceable impression</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the age that fired its force and + skill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Honoured abroad as loved at home, how ample,</p> + + <p class="i2">The tribute to that modest spirit + paid!</p> + + <p>To pushing quackery a high example,</p> + + <p class="i2">A calm rebuke to egotist parade!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Frank, loyal, unobtrusive, simple-hearted,</p> + + <p class="i2">Loving his book, his pipe, his song, his + friend,</p> + + <p>Peaceful he lived and peacefully departed,</p> + + <p class="i2">A gentle life-course, with a gracious + end.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Irreparable loss to Art, deep sorrow</p> + + <p class="i2">To those his comrades, who so loved the + man,</p> + + <p>And who had hoped for many a sunny morrow</p> + + <p class="i2">To greet that gallant spirit in the + van.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That tall, spare form, that curl-crowned head, the + knitting</p> + + <p class="i2">Of supple hands behind it as he sat,</p> + + <p>That quaint face-wrinkling smile like sunshine + flitting,</p> + + <p class="i2">The droll, dry comment, the quotation + pat;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The small oft-loaded pipe, of ancient moulding,</p> + + <p class="i2">The brazen box that held the well-loved + weed;</p> + + <p>Who shall forget who once was graced by holding</p> + + <p class="i2">In friendship's clasp the hand now still + indeed?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and + loyal!</p> + + <p class="i2">Few simpler lives our feverish age hath + seen.</p> + + <p>Could pomp high-pinnacled, or trappings royal,</p> + + <p class="i2">Add honour to the memory of CHARLES + KEENE?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/34.png" + alt="O'Rip Van Winkle" /></a> + + <h3>GOBLIN TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM THE IRISH EXTRAVAGANZA + OF THE O'RIP VAN WINKLE.</h3><i>Where the Home-Ruler of + Butt's time awakes to find all the would-be dic-taters + suddenly become mere mushrooms.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + + <h2>THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Over a series of weeks preceding Christmas, Europe was + disturbed by rumours of a momentous interview reported to have + taken place on the banks of the unsuspecting Bosphorus. One of + the parties to the conference was his Imperial Majesty the + SULTAN. The other was an English Statesman, the trusted + counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and believed in family circles to + be the real author of some of his supreme measures. The + naturally retiring disposition of the Statesman in question, + and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter + concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. + Doubtless the stupendous event—the possible consequences + of which on European affairs Time will work out—would + have remained for ever hidden but for the ruthless action of + "the London Correspondents of various provincial papers, who + gave in their London letters more or less inaccurate reports of + the event." How they came to know anything about it admits of + only one conclusion. <i>The SULTAN must have told them</i>. The + event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind of + record, and, accordingly, the <i>Speaker</i> has been favoured + with a narrative of what took place, the signature disclosing + the fact that the other party to the interview was the SHAH + LEFEVRE.</p> + + <p>The SHAH's account, regarded as a record of a historical + event, is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable + desire for self-effacement which marks this eminent man. We see + anonymous "persons who had access to the SULTAN approaching" + the SHAH, and "suggesting to him that he ought to apply for an + audience." We see him "declining to do so on the ground that, + having taken an active part in the agitation in England on the + subject of the Bulgarian atrocities in 1877, it would not be + right that I should thrust myself on the attention of the + SULTAN." It is generally thought at Stamboul and elsewhere that + Mr. GLADSTONE was chiefly responsible for the memorable + agitation referred to. But the SHAH is not the man to hide the + truth. Also, "I wished to be free to say what I thought about + the condition of Turkey on my return to England." That was only + fair to waiting England. No use the SULTAN trying to "nobble" + this relentless man. So it came to pass that he went to the + Palace, reluctant, but "feeling we could not refuse such a + command from the Sovereign of the country." He talked with + CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI; saw the SULTAN's horse; hung + about for hours; no SULTAN appeared; went back to hotel + quivering under the insult. Had framed telegram ordering the + British Fleet to the Bosphorus, when VAMBÉRY turned up, pale + and trembling; besought the SHAH to do nothing rash; explained + it was all a mistake. This followed up by invitation to dine at + the Palace the following day.</p> + + <p>All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were + "excellent wines, electric lights, and a great display of + plate"; how the SULTAN, concentrating his attention on the + SHAH, and forgetful of poor FREDERICK HARRISON, who had, + somehow, been elbowed into obscurity, paid court to this + powerful personality; how he received him on the daïs, and now + cunningly, though ineffectually, he endeavoured to secure on + the spot the evacuation of Egypt, is told in the SHAH'S + delicious narrative.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>, sharing in the thrilling interest this + disclosure has created throughout the civilised world, has been + anxious to complete the record by supplementing the SHAH's + account of the interview, with the SULTAN's own version. This + was, at the outset, difficult. Obstacles were thrown in the + way, but they were overcome by the pertinacity and ingenuity of + Our Representative, who at last found himself seated with the + SULTAN on the very daïs from which SHAH LEFEVRE had conferred + with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of the forty guests, + "including the Austrian Ambassador," looked on, green with + envy.</p> + + <p>"It's a curious thing," said the SULTAN, laying down a book + he had been reading when Our Representative entered, "that, + when you were announced, I had just come upon a reference by + your great Poet to your still greater Statesman. You know the + line in Lockandkey Hall,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Oh the dreary, drear LEFEVRE! Oh the barren, + barren SHAW!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"That," Our Representative writes, "is not precisely the + line as I remember it; but I make it a rule never to correct a + SULTAN."</p> + + <p>Accordingly His Majesty proceeded: "And so, my good Cousin, + <i>Mr. Punch</i>, wants to know all about this interview, the + <i>bruit</i> of which has shaken the Universe. His wishes are + commands to me. In the first place, I will tell you (though + this is not for publication), that it was by the merest + accident I had the advantage of knowing your great countryman. + I heard there had come to Constantinople one FREDERICK + HARRISON, head of a sect called the Positivists. I am, you + know, in my way, and within the limits of my kingdom, one of + the most absolute Positivists of the age. I wanted to see the + English apostle, and told them to ask him to dinner. Somehow + things got mixed up, and, at the preliminary morning call, the + SHAH LEFEVRE walked in. Had never heard of him before, but + gathered from CHAKIR PACHA, who had been talking to WAHAN + EFFENDI, who, had seen WOODS PACHA, who had spent an hour with + VAMBÉRY, upon whom SHAH LEFEVRE had called, that the SHAH was + really the mainspring of the Liberal Party in England, + GLADSTONE being merely figure-head, HARCOURT in his pay, and + CHAMBERLAIN suffering in exile under his displeasure. Allah is + Good! Here was a chance thrown into my hands. I forgot all + about FREDERICK HARRISON; told CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI + to entertain the SHAH in the ante-chamber with coffee and + cigarettes, drawing him out on Armenia and Egypt. Meanwhile I + crept under the sofa, and heard every word. The SHAH very stern + about Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour + and half began to get tired under sofa; managed to stick in + WAHAN EFFENDI's Wellington boot a note, on which I had written, + 'Take him to see my horse.' So they went off to stable, and, as + soon as coast was clear, I crept out; shut myself up in room + for rest of day. Heard afterwards that they came back, the SHAH + much impressed with appearance of my horse; resumed + conversation on Armenia and Egypt for another hour; at last got + rid of SHAH.</p> + + <p>"At night VAMBÉRY, disguised as melon-seller, entered Palace + and gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess had been + made of matters. The SHAH really didn't care about seeing the + horse; wanted to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. + 'Better ask him to dinner,' said VAMBÉRY; so despatched Grand + Chamberlain in carriage and six. The SHAH mollified; gave him a + good dinner: plenty of electric lights. Afterwards he was good + enough to see me on the daïs. Tried to get him to promise + alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party towards me; + also wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops from + Egypt, But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. + Not to be drawn. Talk about Eastern statecraft! nothing to you + English, as represented by jour SHAH LEFEVRES. When I pressed + him to come to point about Egypt, he said, 'On this subject I + can only speak my own views. I am not authorised to speak on + behalf of those I am politically associated with, but + personally I am opposed to the occupation of Egypt by English + troops.' There's an answer for you! Your MACHIAVELLIS, your + TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some time, and given + away a dinner all for nothing, except the memory that will ever + rest with me of having been privileged to see this remarkable + man standing on my daïs."</p> + + <p>Here the SULTAN clapped his hands three times, and Our + Representative, being carefully placed in a sack, was dropped + into the Bosphorus, whence he was rescued in time to send off + this despatch for publication in the current Number.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ACCIDENT ON THE ICE.—The other day a gentleman, well + known in the world of Sport and Art, was skating on the + Serpentine, and fell in with a friend. Both were getting on + well when our reporter left.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + + <h3>Extract from Report of the G.O.M.'s Birthday Speech at + Hawarden:—</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/36-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-1.png" + alt="The G.O.M." /></a><i>G.O.M.</i> (<i>to + himself</i>). "I hope Lawson isn't looking at me." + </div> + + <p>"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that + not infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way + homewards after midnight, sometimes very long after it, from + the House of Commons, I have stopped my course for a moment by + the side of the drinking fountain in Great George Street, + Westminster, when there was nobody to look at me, and have + indulged in the refreshing draught which was there afforded me, + feeling at the same time that I was not performing any action + which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of my + excellent friend whose name is well known to you all—Sir + WILFRID LAWSON."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>I'D BE A CRIMINAL.</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION.</h3> + + <h4>TUNE—<i>I'd be a Butterfly</i>.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd be a criminal, born in a slum,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness + meet;</p> + + <p>For when to the court for my trial I come,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious + and sweet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my + power,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Scientists sage will be slaves at my + feet;</p> + + <p>Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower,</p> + + <p class="i2">And fools in my cause in their thousands + will meet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some hope of escape to my prison to + bring,</p> + + <p>And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy</p> + + <p class="i2">And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, + talk or sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those I have butchered will get scant attention,</p> + + <p class="i2">Interest's sure to be centred in me.</p> + + <p>Painters will picture me, poets may mention,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beauties discuss me at five o'clock + tea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hypnotists swear I was somebody's + tool;</p> + + <p>And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition</p> + + <p class="i2">Will promptly be signed by each faddist + and fool.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Murder—and good Dr. LIÈGOIS of Nancy</p> + + <p class="i2">Will back you, LABRUYÈRE will help you + away.</p> + + <p>I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy,</p> + + <p class="i2">He is the only true Hero to-day!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>For the Use of Diners-out and other Amateur + Entertainers.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>The Strike in Scotland</i>.—You might suggest, that + were it in Ireland, one might see a <i>rail</i> way out of it, + or rather in it. This jest may be expected to be appreciated by + a parson's wife of the sharper sort. Something ought to be got + out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to the North. Example of + what can be done in this direction:—"People who play with + fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS." + However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may + want your blood before you get to the cigarettes. North Britons + are very jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and + permit no jokes upon the subject. You see, in letting off your + witticism at a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it + <i>was</i> a joke. You might also hint that it was "hard lines" + for the Railway Companies concerned; but this will provoke + gloom rather than gaiety amongst those who have invested in + Caledonians and North British. If you talk about the riots in + connection with the movement, you might say that the pugnacious + rioters remind you of safety matches, "for they not only + strike, but strike on the box!"</p> + + <p><i>The Parnell Negociations in France</i>.—You can say + something about O'BRIEN's invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him + an evening visit on the French coast, reminds you of the once + popular song, "<i>Meet me by Moonlight, Boulogne</i>." If you + are told that "Boulogne" should be "Alone," return, + "Precisely—borrowed a word—Boulogne was a loan." + This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might + suggest that Mr. O'BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, + because even when he was in prison he took an absorbing + interest in <i>the proper adjustment of breeches</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Row at the Post Office</i>.—As the Savings' + Bank Department has for years been the Cinderella of the Civil + Service, this is a subject that will not create much interest; + however, you might possibly extract a pleasantry out of the + name of the present Postmaster-General in connection with the + now-appeased <i>employés</i>. With a little trouble you should + be able to say something quite sparkling about what the + "officers" <i>hoe</i> to <i>Raikes</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa</i>.—Rather a + good subject at a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on + particularly affectionate and intimate terms) are gathered + together. Say you have got to the dessert, and you start the + subject. Observe that it is fortunate that the SULTAN OF TURKEY + is not interested in the matter, or there would be further + trouble of a like character. To the question, "Why?" reply, + taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, "would + it not be a second difficulty with the <i>Porte, you + geese</i>?" To make the jest perfect, connect Turkey in Europe + with the <i>dindon aux marrons</i>, of which you will have just + partaken.</p> + + <p><i>The Weather</i>.—If forced to fall back upon this + venerable subject (which should only be broached in the wilds + of Cornwall, or other equally primitive spots), of course you + can speak of a hard frost being "<i>an ice</i> day for a + hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at it." If the + weather breaks, you may observe, "<i>You thaw so</i>," but not + when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a + deaf old maid. And this, with the other witticisms recorded + above, should carry you (by desire) into the middle of next + week.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A DEADLY KISS.—The Hotch-kiss.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a "Slippered Pantaloon."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/36-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tax-gatherers molest one's door,</p> + + <p class="i2">The streets are choked with messy + mist;</p> + + <p>I'm the proverbial Bachelor,</p> + + <p class="i2">An old, prosaic Pessimist.</p> + + <p>Yet somehow—who can tell me why?—</p> + + <p class="i2">Urged by the Past's dim Phantom, I'm</p> + + <p>Disposed my cosy Club to fly,</p> + + <p class="i2">And prank it at the Pantomime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Phantom weird of things forgot!</p> + + <p class="i2">My mother, proud of me at her</p> + + <p>Sweet side—our yellow chariot—</p> + + <p class="i2">The long, long drive—the + theatre—</p> + + <p>My fear to miss—my thrill when in—</p> + + <p class="i2">The Fairy Queen, the jolly + King—</p> + + <p>The laughter flung at Harlequin,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Pantaloon arollicking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And sister PRUE, and brother TIM,</p> + + <p class="i2">(I scarcely recollected them),</p> + + <p>Magnificent in gala trim:</p> + + <p class="i2">Dear me, how I respected them!</p> + + <p>I deemed them quite grown up, so bold</p> + + <p class="i2">Seemed they, glared so defiantly:</p> + + <p>Yet they, too, cowered to behold</p> + + <p class="i2">Prone before JACK the Giant lie.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! Where is TIM, where PRUE, alack!</p> + + <p class="i2">Where mother fondly pliant now?</p> + + <p>Where for that matter too is JACK,</p> + + <p class="i2">And where the grisly Giant now?</p> + + <p>In lonely stall, with vacant brow</p> + + <p class="i2">I sit and eye the <i>coryphées</i>:</p> + + <p>In my time they were Fairies; now</p> + + <p class="i2">They seem to me but sorry fays.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The pageantry is twice as grand,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wealth of wealth embarrasses;</p> + + <p>And yet this is not elfinland</p> + + <p class="i2">But great AUGUSTUS HARRIS's.</p> + + <p>The <i>blasé</i> children vote it flat,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Mister Clown cries, "Here's a + go!"</p> + + <p>Yes, there's the box where erst we sat</p> + + <p class="i2">And laughed so, sixty years ago.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The very box: I think, you know,</p> + + <p class="i2">The reason I'm so queer to-night</p> + + <p>Is merely because long ago</p> + + <p class="i2">Here faces were not here to-night.</p> + + <p>I'd best be off—Bless me! no Clown?</p> + + <p class="i2">No Stage?—no Past invidious?</p> + + <p>No Orchestra?—but simply BROWN</p> + + <p class="i2">Snoring the midnight hideous!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No Drury Lane?—no tinsel flare?—</p> + + <p class="i2">No pirouetting Bogeydom?—</p> + + <p>Only a Club, and one who there</p> + + <p class="i2">Forgot in sleep his Fogeydom!</p> + + <p>Welcome my Transformation Scene;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm dull once more, and every</p> + + <p>Old Bachelor like me, I ween,</p> + + <p class="i2">May muse at times his reverie.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12866-h/images/25-1.png b/12866-h/images/25-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f29ae9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/25-1.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/25-2.png b/12866-h/images/25-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..46b419d --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/25-2.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/26.png b/12866-h/images/26.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cede415 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/26.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/27.png b/12866-h/images/27.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dbc7dd6 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/27.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/28.png b/12866-h/images/28.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f0128a --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/28.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/29-1.png b/12866-h/images/29-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a20b7b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/29-1.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/29-2.png b/12866-h/images/29-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..954652d --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/29-2.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/30.png b/12866-h/images/30.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..16d2116 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/30.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/31.png b/12866-h/images/31.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..014473c --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/31.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/33.png b/12866-h/images/33.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50a44c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/33.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/34.png b/12866-h/images/34.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..90defda --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/34.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/35.png b/12866-h/images/35.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc38944 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/35.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/36-1.png b/12866-h/images/36-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1c4464 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/36-1.png diff --git a/12866-h/images/36-2.png b/12866-h/images/36-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1fbbeaa --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-h/images/36-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f0b375 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12866 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12866) diff --git a/old/12866-8.txt b/old/12866-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b302b04 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12866-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1692 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., +Jan. 17, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 17, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12866] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 17, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION. + +DRAWING A BADGER.] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S. + +_BEFORE THE EFFIGY OF DR. KOCH, WHO IS REPRESENTED IN THE ACT OF +EXAMINING A TEST-TUBE WITH THE EXPRESSION OF BLAND BLAMELESSNESS +PECULIAR TO WAX MODELS._ + +_Well-informed Visitor_. That's Dr. KOCH, making his great discovery! + +[Illustration] + +_Unscientific V._ What did _he_ discover? + +_Well-inf. V._ Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got it in that +bottle he's holding up. + +_Unsc. V._ And what's the good of it, now he _has_ discovered it? + +_Well-inf. V._ Good? Why, it's the thing that causes _consumption_, +you know! + +_Unsc. V._ Then it's a pity he didn't leave it alone! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING "THE HOME LIFE AT SANDRINGHAM."_ + +_First Old Lady_ (_with Catalogue_). It says here that "the note +the page is handing _may_ have come from Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the +Comptroller of the Royal Household" Fancy _that_! + +_Second Old Lady_. He's brought it in in his fingers. Now _that_'s a +thing I never allow in _my_ house. I always tell SARAH to bring all +letters, and even circulars, in on a tray! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING THE LATE FRED ARCHER, MOUNTED, ON ASCOT +RACE-COURSE._ + +_A. Sportsman_. H'm--ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have backed his mount in +_that_ race! + +_BEFORE "THE LIBRARY AT HAWARDEN."_ + +_Gladstonian Enthusiast_ (_to Friend, who, with the perverse +ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been endeavouring to identify +the Rev. JOHN WESLEY among the Cabinet in Downing Street_). Oh, +never mind all that lot, BETSY; they're only the _Gover'ment_! Here's +dear Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for +something in a drawer of his side-board--ain't that _natural_? And +only look--a lot of people have been leaving Christmas cards on him +(_a pretty and touching tribute of affection, which is eminently +characteristic of a warm-hearted Public_). I wish I'd thought o' +bringing one with me! + +_Her Friend_. So do I. We might send one 'ere by post--but it'll have +to be a New Year Card now! + +_A Strict Old Lady_ (_before next group_). Who are these two? "Mr. +'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in _Faust_," eh? No--I don't care +to stop to see them--that's play-actin', that is--and I don't 'old +with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' of over +here? What--Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING at the High Altar +at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and don't encourage Popery by +looking at such figures. I _did_ 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and +the prambilator somewheres. I _should_ like to see that, now. + +IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY. + +_An Aunt_ (_who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine of useful +information_). Look, BOBBY, dear (_reading_). "Here we have +CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '_Nights of Straparola_,' an Italian +romancist, whose book was translated into French in the year 1585--" + +_Bobby_ (_disappointed_). Oh, then it _isn't_ Puss in Boots! + +_A Genial Grandfather_ (_pausing before "Crusoe and Friday"_). Well, +PERCY, my boy, you know who _that_ is, at all events--eh? + +_Percy_. I suppose it is STANLEY--but it's not very like. + +_The G.G._ STANLEY!--Why, bless my soul, never heard of _Robinson +Crusoe_ and his man _Friday_? + +_Percy_. Oh, I've _heard_ of them, of course--they come in +Pantomimes--but I like more grown-up sort of books myself, you know. +Is this girl asleep _She_? + +_The G.G._ No--at least--well, I expect it's "_The Sleeping Beauty_." +You remember her, of course--all about the ball, and the glass +slipper, and her father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the +palace, eh? + +_Percy_. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time for general +reading than we get. (_He looks through a practicable cottage +window._) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not badly stuffed! + +_The G.G._ Why that must be "_Old Mother Hubbard_." (_Quoting from +memory._) "Old Mother Hubbard sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas +pie--or a _bone_ was it?" + +_Percy_. Don't know. It's not in _Selections from British Poetry_, +which we have to get up for "rep." + +_The Aunt_ (_reading from Catalogue_). "The absurd ambulations of +this antique person, and the equally absurd antics of her dog, need no +recapitulation." Here's "_Jack the Giant Killer_" next. Listen, BOBBY, +to what it says about him here. (_Reads._) "It is clearly the last +transmutation of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, +of CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when +he first settled in Britain. But more than this"--I hope you're +listening, BOBBY?--"_more_ than this, it is quite evident, even to +the superficial student of Greek mythology, that many of the main +incidents and ornaments are borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and +HOMER." Think of that, now! + + [_BOBBY thinks of it, with depression._ + +_The G.G._ (_before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling new lamps for +old_). Here you are, you see! "_Ali Baba_," got 'em all here, you see. +Never read your "_Arabian Nights_," either! Is that the way they bring +up boys nowadays! + +_Percy_. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a fellow +reads that kind of thing when he's _young_, he doesn't get a chance +afterwards. + +_The Aunt_ (_still quoting_). "In the famous work," BOBBY, "by which +we know MASÛDI, he mentions the Persian Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,--nor +have commentators failed to notice that the occasion of the book +written for the Princess HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew +Bible about ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two +or three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew _that_ before!... This is +"_Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea_"--let's see what they say about +_him_. (_Reads._) "Both the story of _Sindbad_ and the old Basque +legend of Tartaro are undoubtedly borrowed from the _Odyssey_ of +HOMER, whose _Iliad_ and _Odyssey_ were translated into Syriac in +the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how interesting, now! +and, BOBBY, what _do_ you think someone says about "_Jack and the +Beanstalk_"? He says--"this tale is an allegory of the Teutonic +Al-fader, the red hen representing the all-producing sun: the +moneybags, the fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm +sure it seems likely enough, doesn't it? + + [_BOBBY suppresses a yawn; PERCY's feelings are outraged by + receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; general move to + the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy._ + +_BEFORE THE HAMPSTEAD TABLEAUX._ + +_Spectators_. Dear, dear, there's the _dresser_, you see, and the +window, broken and all; it's wonderful how they can _do_ it! And +there's poor Mrs. 'OGG--it's real butter and a real loaf she's +cutting, and the poor baby, too!... Here's the actual casts taken +after they were murdered. Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling +the perambulator--it's the _very_ perambulator! No, not the very +one--they've got _that_ at the other place, and the piece of toffee +the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, we _must_ try and go there, +too, before the children's holidays are over. And this is all? Well, +well, everything very nice, I _will_ say. But a pity they couldn't get +the _real_ perambulator! + + * * * * * + +BURNS VERSUS BURNS. + +A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE--"_PUSH ABOUT THE JORUM!_" + +[Illustration] + + "Oh, let us not like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided; + Till slap comes in an uncoo loon + And with a rung decide it. + Be Britain still to Britain true, + Among oursels united; + For never but by British hands + Maun British wrongs be righted!" + + ROBERT BURNS's "_Dumfries Volunteers_." + +_Shade of_ BURNS, _loquitur_:-- + + O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS, + My namesake--in a fashion, + You do my Scots the warst o' turns + Sae stirrin' up their passion. + Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks? + Or frae the County Council? + Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks; + We take your brag and bounce ill! + Fal de ral, &c. + + Does Cockneydom invasion threat? + Then let the louns beware, Sir! + Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet, + And for hersel' can fare, Sir. + The Thames shall run to join the Tweed, + Criffel adorn Thames valley, + 'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed + On Scottish ground shall rally. + Fal de ral, &c. + + A man's a man for a' that, JOHN, + And ane's as good as tither; + But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN, + That mutinies in bad weather. + Nae flouts to "honest industry" + Shall fa' frae the Exciseman; + But ane who blaws up strife like this, + Wisdom deems not a wise man. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Scot business may be out o' tune, + True harmony may fail in't, + But deil a cockney tinkler loon + We need to rant and rail in't. + Our fathers on occasion fought, + And so can we, if needed; + But windy words with frenzy fraught + Sound Scots should pass unheeded. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Let toilers not, like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided, + Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes, + Steps in, and we're derided. + Be Scotland still to Scotland true, + Amang oursels united; + 'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you + Our wrangs shall best be righted. + Fal de ral, &c. + + The knave who'd crush the toilers doun, + And him, his true-born brither, + Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown, + Should be kicked out together. + Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen! + Scots cherish throne and steeple, + But while we sing "_God save the Queen_," + _We_ won't forget the People. + Fal de ral, &c. + + * * * * * + +A LENGTHY NOVEL.--_A Thousand Lines of Her Own_, in 3000 vols., by the +Authoress of _A Line of Her Own_, in 3 vols. N.B.--What a long line +this must be to occupy three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_Small Stranger_ (_to Master of the house_). "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS +OPENS THE DOOR _WILL_ GIVE IT YER, IF YER RING _THAT_ BELL!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC GOSSIP. + +During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, _Ivanhoe_, +a grave objection to the subject occurred to him, which was, that +one of the chief personages in the _dramatis personæ_ must be +"Gilbert"--i.e., _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert_. True, that _Sir Brian_ +is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous +disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he couldn't +change the character's name to _Sir Brian de Bois-Sullivan_, and Mr. +D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his name to appear in the bill except +as Lessee. "I can't put him in simply as _Sir Brian_," said the +puzzled Composer, "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my +librettist will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But +the name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," objected +D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out of a hundred," +answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, persistently, "it isn't +spelt the same." "No," replied Sir ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; +there's 'u' and 'i' in it; we're both mixed up with this _Guilbert_." +Fortunately, the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as +a memento of the happy termination to the temporary misunderstanding, +Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, designed to call the character +"_Sir Brian de Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan_." Whether the mysterious +librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the public +ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or not, it is +now pretty certain that there will be no departure from the great +novelist's original nomenclature. + + * * * * * + +A BREACH OF VERACITY.--According to the papers, the Chief Secretary's +Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of clothing designed for the +poor in the West of Ireland, sent in response to the request of Lord +ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. We understand there is no truth in the +report, that amongst the first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. +O'BRIEN's br--s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go to +prison again, he had no further use for the article. + + * * * * * + +NEW IRISH DRINK.--The Parnellite "Split." + + * * * * * + +A REMINISCENCE OF C.K. + +The excellent article in the _Times_ on the 6th inst. upon CHARLES +KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the _P.M.G._ of a day +earlier performed his self-imposed task with a judicious and loving +hand, and, as far as I can judge, his account of our lamented +colleague seems to be correct. As to our CARLO's Mastership in his +Black-and-White Art, there can be but one opinion among Artists. Those +who possess the whole of the _Once a Week_ series will there find +admirable specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most +striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I remember a +story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An artistic friend was in +KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, pipe in mouth, of course. "I +can't understand," said his friend, "how you produce that effect of +distance in so small a picture." "O--um--easy enough," replied KEENE. +"Look here,"--and--_he did it_. But when and how he gave _the_ touch +which made the effect, his friend, following his work closely, was +unable to discover. F.C.B. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--There is always something fresh coming out at +Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond Street. Their latest +novelty is the result of a caravan tour from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend +upon it, he found it very nice!" said Young PAR, regardless of +propriety and pronunciation) by Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS +utilised such an expedition from a literary point of view in his +inimitable "_Cruise upon Wheels_," and this young artist has +turned similar wanderings to good artistic account. His _cartes de +visite_--no, I beg pardon, his _caravans de visite_--are numerous and +varied. Verily, my brethren, all is caravanity! Not altogether, for +Mr. SAINTON, in addition to returning with his caravan and himself, +has brought back an interesting collection of original and delicate +works in oil and silver-point--in short, taken every caravantage of +his special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"--Twenty-three American ships, 118 +guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, 1,229 men; and seven +German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 men--all in "Pacific" waters! Looks +like Pacific, doesn't it? + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XI.--THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE. + +BY READER FAGHARD, AUTHOR OF "QUEEN BATHSHEBA'S EWERS," "YAWN," +"GUESS," "ME," "MY MA'S AT PENGE," "SMALLUN HALFBOY," "GENERAL +PORRIDGE, D.T.," "ME A KISS," "THE HEMISPHERE'S WISH," &C., &C. + + [In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of this + novel, the Author gives a description of his literary method. + We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been accused of + plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is ridiculous. Nature + is the great plagiarist, the sucker of the brains of authors. + There is no situation, however romantic or grotesque, which + Nature does not sooner or later appropriate. Therefore the + more natural an author is, the more liable is he to envious + accusations of plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in + an absence of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially + humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied + at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South + African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, '_Ars + Langa Rider brevis_,' and a very good motto too. I like + writing in couples. Personally I could never have bothered + myself to learn up all these quaint myths and literary fairy + tales, but LANG likes it."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration: "Then a strange thing happened."] + +My name is SMALLUN HALFBOY, a curious name for an old fellow like +me, who have been battered and knocked about all over the world from +Yorkshire to South Africa. I'm not much of a hand at writing, but, +bless your heart, I know the _Bab Ballads_ by heart, and I can tell +you it's no end of a joke quoting them everywhere, especially when +you quote out of an entirely different book. I am not a brave man, but +nobody ever was a surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever +killed more Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But +I do love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, with +gashes and slashes and lopped heads and arms and legs rolling about +everywhere. Black blood is the best variety; I mean the blood of black +men, because nobody really cares twopence about them, and you can +massacre several thousands of them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no +single soul. And, after all, I am not certain that black men have any +souls, so that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the +_Bab Ballads_. + +CHAPTER II. + +I was staying with my old friend Sir HENRY HURTUS last winter at +his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting all day with +indifferent results, and were returning home fagged and weary with our +rifles over our shoulders. I ought to have mentioned that COODENT--of +course, you remember Captain COODENT, R.N.--was of the party. Ever +since he had found his legs so much admired by an appreciative public, +he had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to show them. This, +however, was not done from vanity, I think, but rather from a high +sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to be born with +personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any sense of false +modesty from gratifying the reading public by their display. Lord, how +we had laughed to see him struggling through the clinging brambles +in Sir HENRY's coverts with his eye-glass in his eye and his Express +at the trail. At every step his unfortunate legs had been more and +more torn, until there was literally not a scrap of sound skin upon +them anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had roared when old +VELVETEENS the second keeper had brought up to poor COODENT a lump of +flesh from his right leg, which he had found sticking on a thorn-bush +in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly Sir HENRY stopped and +shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously. We all imitated him, though +for my part, not being a sportsman, I had no notion what was up. +"What's the time of day, Sir HENRY?" I ventured to whisper. Sir HENRY +never looked at me, but took out his massive gold Winchester repeater +and consulted it in a low voice. "Four thirty," I heard him say, "they +are about due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. +"Duck, duck!" shouted Sir HENRY, now thoroughly aroused. I immediately +did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not know what might be +coming, and I am a very timid man. At that moment I heard a joint +report from Sir HENRY and COODENT. It gave on the whole a very +favourable view of the situation, and by its light I saw six fine +mallard, four teal and three widgeon come hurtling down, as dead as so +many door-nails, and much heavier on the top of my prostrate body. + +When I recovered Sir HENRY was bending over me and pouring brandy down +my throat. COODENT was sitting on the ground binding up his legs. "My +dear old friend," said Sir HENRY, in his kindest tone, "this Yorkshire +is too dangerous. My mind is made up. This very night we all start for +Mariannakookaland. There at least our lives will be safe." + +CHAPTER III. + +We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a month travelling +on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the scorching African sun +which all but burnt us in our _treks_. Our _Veldt_ slippers were worn +out, and our pace was consequently reduced to the merest _Kraal_. At +rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had seen Stars and +heard of Echoes, but now not a single _Kopje_ was left, and we were +trudging along mournfully with our blistered _tongas_ protruding from +our mouths. + +Suddenly Sir HENRY spoke--"SMALLUN, my old friend," he said, "do you +see anything in the distance?" + +I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see nothing +but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir HENRY. I swept the distance +with my glance. It was a sandy, arid distance, and, naturally enough, +a small cloud of dust appeared. Then a strange thing happened. The +cloud grew and grew. It came rolling towards us with an unearthly +noise. Then it seemed to be cleft in two, as by lightning, +and from its centre came marching towards us a mighty army of +Amazonian warriors, in battle-array, chanting the war-song of the +Mariannakookas. I must confess that my first instinct was to fly, my +second to run, my third, and best, to remain rooted to the spot. When +the army came within ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by magic, +and a stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the +Commander-in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore an +immense native jelibag, tricked out with feathers; her breast was +encased in a huge silver _tureene_. Her waist was encircled with +a broad girdle, in which were stuck all manner of deadly arms, +_stuhpans, sorspans, spîhts_, and _deeshecloutz_. In her left hand she +carried a deadly-looking _kaster_, while in her right she brandished a +massive _rolinpin_, a frightful weapon, which produces internal wounds +of the most awful kind. Her regiments were similarly armed, save that, +in their case, the breast-covering was made of inferior metal, and +they wore no feathers in their head-dress. The Commander held up her +hand. Instantly the war-song ceased. Then the Commander addressed +us, and her voice sounded like the song of them that address the +_butchaboys_ in the morning. And this was the _torque_ she hurled at +us,-- + +CHAPTER IV. + +"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am She-who-will-never-Obey, the +Queen of the Mariannakookas. I rule above, and in nether regions, +where there is Eternal Fire. Behold my Word goes forth, and the Ovens +are made hot, and the _Kee-chen-boi-lars_ are filled with Water. Over +me no Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save +only the _Weeklibuks_; them I keep not down, for they delight me. And +the land over which I reign is made glad with fat and much stored +up _Dripn_. Who are ye, and what seek ye here? Speak ere it be too +late!" And as she ceased the whole army broke forth into a chorus, +"She-who-will-never-Obey has spoken! The Word is gone forth! Speak, +speak!" I confess I was alarmed, and my fears were not diminished +when two of the _Skulrimehds_ (a sort of native camp-follower) came +up to COODENT and me, and actually began to make love to us in the +most forward manner. But Sir HENRY maintained his calm demeanour. +"She-who-will-never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful traders. We +bring no Commission--" how his sentence would have ended will never +be known. Certain it is that what he said roused the Amazons to a +frenzy of passion. They yelled and danced round us. "He who brings no +Commission must die!" they shouted; and in a moment we found ourselves +bound tightly hand-and-foot, and marching as prisoners of war in the +centre of the Mariannakookaland army. + +CHAPTER V. + +It is unnecessary to go through the details of our marvellous escape +from the lowest dungeon of the royal Palace of SURVAN TSAUL, where for +months we were immured on a constant diet of suet pudding. Of course +we did escape, but only after killing ten thousand Mariannakookas, +and then swimming for a mile in their blood. COODENT brought with him +a very pretty _Skulrimehd_ who had grown attached to him, but she +drooped and pined away after he lost his false teeth in crossing a +river, and tried to replace them with orange-peel, a trick he had +learnt at school. Sir HENRY's fight with She-who-will-never-Obey is +still remembered. He will carry the marks of her nails on his cheeks +to his grave. I myself am tired of wandering. "_Home, Sweet Home_," as +the _Bab Ballads_ have it, is the place for me. + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT. + +(_BY OUR OWN RECITER._) + +[Illustration] + + I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our town. + We laughed enough the opening night to bring the theatre down. + The piece was _Burleybumbo_, _the Old Giant, and his Men_; + _Fairy Starlight, Little Popsey, and the Demon of the Glen_. + The Supers were collected from the local talent round, + And for _Burleybumbo's_ servant the Blacksmith, JOHN, they found; + A stalwart varlet was required to carry off his foes + To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he chose. + His minions, who wore hideous masks, had nothing much to say, + So an IRVING was not wanted to do their part of the play. + On this eventful night the house was packed from roof to pit, + And the Manager was jubilant at having made a hit. + The Curtain drawing slowly up, revealed a flowery glade, + In which the _Fairy Starlight_ and her lovely maidens played. + The wicked Demon then came on, and round the stage did glower; + No mortal man could e'er withstand his wrath or evil power. + Last of all came _Burleybumbo_ with his crew, a motley horde, + Our old friend, Blacksmith JOHN, was in attendance on his lord. + They were singing and carousing, when a man rushed in to say + That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down that way. + The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes that they might plunder + The unsuspecting wayfarers. Alas! now came the blunder: + Old JOHN he wouldn't hide himself, but coolly walked about + Advancing to the footlights, he looked around--but hark! a shout:-- + "Confound you! Dash my--! Just come off! Hi, you! Who are you? JOHN!" + "Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I've only just come on!" + Thus saying, he lumbered round the stage. The Prompter's heart had sunk: + No doubt about the matter--_Burleybumbo's_ man is drunk! + "Come off! Come off!" from every wing was now the angry cry. + "Me off, indeed! Oh, would yer? Sh'like to see the feller try!" + _Burleybumbo_ then appeared, and vainly tried to drag him back. + JOHN stove his pasteboard head in with a most refreshing crack. + The wicked Demon now rushed on; his supernatural might + Was very little use to him on this surprising night. + He tried to push him down the glade, but here again JOHN sold him; + He caught the Demon round the waist, and at the Prompter bowled him. + Ah! such a shindy ne'er was seen, such riot and such rage-- + It was the finest "rally" ever seen on any stage! + 'Mid shrieks and cat-calls, whistles shrill, hysterics and guffaws, + They rang the Curtain down amidst uproarious applause. + The piece is still a great success; but, I regret to say, + JOHN's name appears no longer in the bills of that fine play! + + * * * * * + +NOT INSIDE OUT. + + Fair Maiden, you're looking a vision of beauty, + You may comfort yourself you've no rival to fear; + But you won't take it ill if I feel it my duty + To whisper a word of advice in your ear. + + Now, the word would be this--when the daylight is dawning, + Or, at any rate, when it's more early than late, + Pray remember the coachman, who, fitfully yawning + Outside in the street, finds it weary to wait. + + You reck not at all of the hours that are fleeting, + You ask for an "extra"--you can't be denied. + But though, doubtless, soft nothings may set your heart beating, + Yet they're awfully cold for the people outside. + + Want of thought, not of heart, is the reason as ever, + So if you find leisure to read through this rhyme, + When you order your carriage, in future endeavour + To prevent any waiting--by being in time, + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Publisher of _The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine_, earnestly +requests the reviewer, appealing to his heart in the reddest of red +ink, on a slip of paper pasted on to the cover of the Magazine, not +to extract and quote more than one column of "Talleyrand's Memoirs," +which appear in this number for January. The Publisher of the +_C.I.M.M._ does not appeal personally to the Baron--who is now +the last, bar one, of the Barons, and that bar one is one at the +Bar,--but, for all that, the Baron hereby and hereon takes his +solummest Half-a-Davey or his entire Davey, that he will not write, +engrave, or represent, or cause to be, &c, for purposes of quotation, +one single word, much less line, of _Tallyho_--beg pardon, of +_Talleyrand_,--extracts from whose memoirs are now appearing in the +aforesaid _C.I.M.M._ But all he will say at present is this, that, +if the secret and private Memoirs haven't got in them anything more +thrilling or startling, or out of the merest common-place, than +appears in this number of the _C.I.M.M._, then the Baron will say that +he would prefer reading such contributions as M. de BLOWITZ's story of +"How he became a Special," or _The Pigmies of the African Forest_ by +HENRY M. STANLEY in the same number of this Mag. + +[Illustration] + +What the Baron dearly loves is, ELLIOT STOCK-IN-TRADE _The Book-worm_, +always most interesting to Book-worms, and almost as interesting to +Book-grubs or Book-butterflies. By the way, the publishing office of +_The Book-worm_ ought to be in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is +_The Book-worm_ an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in +the Old Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is +shown from a modern instance, well and wisely commented upon in this +very number for January, No. 38, which is excellent food for worms; +the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of Worms. Success to +the _Book-worm_! May it grow to double the size, and be a glow-worm, +to enlighten us in the bye-paths of literature. "_Prosit!_" says the +Baron. + +I would that some one would write of BROWNING's work as HENRY VAN DYKE +has written of TENNYSON's. To the superficial and cursory reader of +the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the fire on a winter's night, the +wind howling over the sea, and the snow drifting against the window, +and being chucked in handfuls down the chimney, and frizzling on the +fire, says, get this book, published by ELKIN MATHEWS: _ça donne +à penser_, and this is its great merit. "Come into the Garden, +Maud"--no, thank you, not to-night; but give me my shepherd's pipe, +with the fragrant bird's-eye in it, with [Greek: ton grogon], while I +sit by the cheerful fire, in the best of good company--my books. + +Our Mr. GRIFFITHES (CHESTER, MAYHEW, BROOME, AND GRIFFITHES) has been +all the way _From Bedford Row to Swazieland_, and has written a lively +narrative of his perilous journey. He went on a professional retainer. +You don't catch Bedford Row in Swazieland on other terms. Being there, +he kept his eyes open, saw a good deal, and describes his impressions +in racy fashion. He did not like the coffee served _en route_, and +was disappointed with the Southern Cross; but on the whole enjoyed +the trip. One would naturally expect that the price of his book would +be six-and-eight-pence, or, regarding it in the form of a letter, +three-and-fourpence, but BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. issue it at a +shilling. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Our Artist_. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PORTRAITS, MISS BUNNY? THE +SITTERS ARE ALL OLD FRIENDS OF YOURS, I BELIEVE?" + +_Miss Bunny_ (_triumphantly_). "YES; AND, ONLY THINK, I'VE ACTUALLY +MANAGED TO GUESS THEM ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +ARBITRATION. + + _Seal, suddenly emerging, loquitur_:-- + + Belay, you two lubbers, avast there! avast there! + What signifies squalling and squabbling? + You're both argufying a good bit too fast there, + Whilst that which you stand on seems wobbling. + You'll be in a mess, Messmates, shortly, the pair of you. + Give _me_ a thought in the matter! + _My_ interest's at stake, and it isn't quite fair of you + Me to ignore 'midst your clatter. + + If 'twere not for me, Mates, this cold Behring's Sea, Mates, + Would hardly strike you as so tempting. + Do grant your poor prey, if I may make so free, Mates, + From slaughter some annual exempting! + I'm worried and walloped without intermission + Until even family duties + Quite fail, whilst your countrymen cudgel and fish on. + By Jingo, some of 'em are beauties! + + My poor wife and children have not half a chance, Mates. + That's not to your interest, I reckon. + Cease shindy, and on a new course make advance, Mates, + Where sense and humanity beckon. + There's not much of either in cruelly clubbing + My progeny all out of season; + And if you are bent upon mutual drubbing, + You must quite have parted with reason. + + _Mare clausum_, be blowed! That's all BLAINE's big bow-wow, Mates. + Men can't thus monopolise oceans. + Diplomacy _must_ find a compromise now, Mates, + And, well--I have told you _my_ notions. + Give me a close-time,--I shall be very grateful-- + And leave the Sea open! What more, Mates? + For brothers like you to be huffing, is hateful. + Be friends, think of me, and--_bong swor_, Mates! + + [_Dives under._ + + * * * * * + +UP-TO-TIME TABLE, FROM THE NORTH. + + | Morning | Mineral | General |Traffic and| + | Fast. |and Parl.| Express.|Even. Mail.| +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ +Edinburgh \ |7 A.M. to|11 A.M. A| Noon F | 9 P.M. L | +(Waverley Station)/ | 9.30 | | | | +Carlisle | 12.15 | ... | ... | ... | +Hawick | 4.30 | B | ... | ... | +Galashiels | 9.45 | ... | 2.15 G | 1 A.M. M | + / | 1 P.M. | | | | +Motherwell < |(Stopped | 4 P.M. C| 3.19 H | 3.20 N | + \ |by riot) | | | | +St. Margaret's Works | 3.30 | 5 D | ... | ... | +Perth |9.45 A.M.| ... | 11.26 I | ... | +Glasgow |12.30P.M.| ... | ... | ... | +Aberfeldy | 6.13 | ... | ... | ... | +Dundee |1.12 A.M.|3A.M.to 9| ... | ... | +Inverness | 9.23 | ... | 3.5 J | ... | +Aberdeen | 11.6 |7 P.M.? E|1 A.M. K | O | +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ + +A--Takes delayed pig-iron and third-class passengers. B--Half of +train stops here through breaking an axle-pin. C--Passengers, for +protection, get under seats of carriages. D--Stops for repairs. +E--Having had a collision at the junction for Aberfeldy, will come on, +if there are any passengers equal to finishing the journey. + +F--Starts under the management of a Director, and, owing to a +misunderstanding, dashes off to Aberdeen, without stopping. G--Doesn't +stop, but knocks over a station-master. H--Is pelted as it tears +through the station by _ex-employés_. I--Knocks over another +station-master. J--Meets a pilot-engine, which it splits in half. +K--Goes at full speed through the end of the terminus, depositing the +passengers in a heap in the middle of the town. + +L--Train starts, made up of horse-boxes and luggage-vans full of three +weeks' arrears of parcels, first-class carriages, Post-office van, +fifty coal-trucks, and a wild beast show, the Directors wishing +to make up for lost time. M--Train breaking down here, mail and +passengers only forwarded. N--Train attacked by rioters. Pitched +battle with the passengers. O--Telegram from Motherwell saying, that +owing to police intervention, train starts the day after to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARBITRATION. + +THE SEAL. "BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!--AVAST QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A +'CLOSE-TIME,' AND LEAVE THE 'SEA' AN OPEN QUESTION."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING! + +_Fair New-Englander_ (_spending the Winter in the Old Country_). "OH, +WHAT A LOVE! AND IS IT THE FIRST YOU HAVE SHOT THIS YEAR, CAPTAIN +RASPER?"] + + * * * * * + +TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE. + +(_A DRAMA FOUNDED--MORE OR LESS--UPON FACTS._) + + ACT I.--"PAST."--_Interior of the Savings Bank Department of + the G.P.O. Employés engaged upon their work. The hour for + customary cessation of labour strikes._ + +_Official of a Higher Grade_. Officers and Gentlemen, the exigencies +of the Public Service require your presence for some time longer. I +beg you to continue your work. + +_A Hundred Employés_. Never! (_Aside._) Ha! ha! the employment of +Female Clerks is avenged! + +_Off._ (_almost in tears_). Reconsider your decision, I beg--I +implore! + +_Another Hundred Employés_. Never! (_Aside._) Seven hours a day and no +longer--shall be secured at one fell swoop! + +_Off._ (_with indescribable emotion_). Oh, my country! Oh, my Savings +Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the Civil Service! + + [_Faints in the arms of faithful Employés, whilst the other + Clerks defiantly depart. Tableau._ + + ACT II.--"PRESENT."--_Magnificent apartments of the + P.-M.-Gen. in the G.P.O. Deputation of contrite Employés + listening to the eloquent speech of their Official Chief._ + +_P.M.G._ (_in effect_). I am delighted that you are such good fellows. +Your conduct in owning that you were wrong in refusing to work after +regular official hours, almost effaces a painful page in the history +of St. Martin's-le-Grand. Let it be clearly understood that extra work +is _not_ compulsory, _but_, if _not_ undertaken, may lead (as in the +present instance) to immediate suspension, if not dismissal. Surely +no one can object to that? (_Contrite Officials express mournful +approval._) And now good-bye, and A Happy New Year. As for the +future--hope, my good friends, hope! + + [_Exeunt the contrite Employés, leaving the Officials of a + Higher Grade agitating the nerves controlling their eyelids + spasmodically._ + + ACT III.--"FUTURE."--_Same Scene as Act I. Venerable Employés + discovered, after twenty years' further service._ + +_First Venerable Employé_. Remember the words spoken a score of +winters ago--Hope, brother, hope! + +_Second Venerable Employé_. Yes--Hope, brother, hope! + + [_As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are left + continuing the self-sustaining, but rather profitless + employment, indefinitely. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +_A Son of the Pool_. By the Author of _A Daughter of the Pyramids_. + + * * * * * + +CHARLES KEENE + +BORN AUGUST 10, 1823. DIED JANUARY 4, 1891. + + What words avail to honour friends departed, + Gone from the gatherings which so long they graced? + What phrase seems fit when comrades loyal-hearted + Mourn a loved presence late by death displaced? + + No formal elegiacs fashioned coldly, + Beseem the memory of that manly soul, + Whose simple, downright spirit trod so boldly + Life's most sequestered ways from start to goal. + + Not rank's trim pleasaunce, nor parades of fashion + Tempted his genius; his the great highway + Where, free from courtly pride and modish passion, + Toil tramps, free humours crowd, rough wastrels stray. + + Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly, + Fixing for ever on his chosen page + In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly + The crowded pageant of a passing age. + + What an array! How varied a procession! + The humours of the parlour, shop, and street; + Philistia's every calling, craft, profession, + Cockneydom's cheery cheek and patter fleet. + + Scotch dryness, Irish unction and cajolery, + Waiterdom's wiles, Deacondom's pomp of port; + Rustic simplicity, domestic drollery, + The freaks of Service and the fun of Sport; + + And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing, + Of touch so certain, and of charm so fresh, + As to lend dignity to Cabmen railing, + To fustianed clods and fogies full of flesh. + + Nor human humours only; who so tender + Of touch when sunny Nature out-of-doors + Wooed his deft pencil? Who like him could render + Meadow or hedgerow, turnip-field, or moor? + + Snowy perspective, long suburban winding + Of bowery road-way, villa-edged and trim. + Iron-railed city street, where gas-lamps blinding + Glare through the foggy distance dense and dim? + + All with that broad free force, whose fascination + All felt, and artists most, that dexterous sleight + Which gave our land the unchallenged consummation + Of graphic mastery in Black-and-White. + + Pleasant to dwell on, and a proud possession, + Now the tired hand that shaped that world is still, + Leaving an ineffaceable impression + Upon the age that fired its force and skill. + + Honoured abroad as loved at home, how ample, + The tribute to that modest spirit paid! + To pushing quackery a high example, + A calm rebuke to egotist parade! + + Frank, loyal, unobtrusive, simple-hearted, + Loving his book, his pipe, his song, his friend, + Peaceful he lived and peacefully departed, + A gentle life-course, with a gracious end. + + Irreparable loss to Art, deep sorrow + To those his comrades, who so loved the man, + And who had hoped for many a sunny morrow + To greet that gallant spirit in the van. + + That tall, spare form, that curl-crowned head, the knitting + Of supple hands behind it as he sat, + That quaint face-wrinkling smile like sunshine flitting, + The droll, dry comment, the quotation pat; + + The small oft-loaded pipe, of ancient moulding, + The brazen box that held the well-loved weed; + Who shall forget who once was graced by holding + In friendship's clasp the hand now still indeed? + + Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and loyal! + Few simpler lives our feverish age hath seen. + Could pomp high-pinnacled, or trappings royal, + Add honour to the memory of CHARLES KEENE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOBLIN TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM THE IRISH EXTRAVAGANZA +OF THE O'RIP VAN WINKLE. + +_Where the Home-Ruler of Butt's time awakes to find all the would-be +dic-taters suddenly become mere mushrooms._] + + * * * * * + +THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN. + +[Illustration] + +Over a series of weeks preceding Christmas, Europe was disturbed by +rumours of a momentous interview reported to have taken place on +the banks of the unsuspecting Bosphorus. One of the parties to the +conference was his Imperial Majesty the SULTAN. The other was an +English Statesman, the trusted counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and +believed in family circles to be the real author of some of his +supreme measures. The naturally retiring disposition of the Statesman +in question, and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter +concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. +Doubtless the stupendous event--the possible consequences of which +on European affairs Time will work out--would have remained for ever +hidden but for the ruthless action of "the London Correspondents of +various provincial papers, who gave in their London letters more or +less inaccurate reports of the event." How they came to know anything +about it admits of only one conclusion. _The SULTAN must have told +them_. The event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind +of record, and, accordingly, the _Speaker_ has been favoured with a +narrative of what took place, the signature disclosing the fact that +the other party to the interview was the SHAH LEFEVRE. + +The SHAH's account, regarded as a record of a historical event, +is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable desire for +self-effacement which marks this eminent man. We see anonymous +"persons who had access to the SULTAN approaching" the SHAH, and +"suggesting to him that he ought to apply for an audience." We see him +"declining to do so on the ground that, having taken an active part in +the agitation in England on the subject of the Bulgarian atrocities +in 1877, it would not be right that I should thrust myself on the +attention of the SULTAN." It is generally thought at Stamboul and +elsewhere that Mr. GLADSTONE was chiefly responsible for the memorable +agitation referred to. But the SHAH is not the man to hide the truth. +Also, "I wished to be free to say what I thought about the condition +of Turkey on my return to England." That was only fair to waiting +England. No use the SULTAN trying to "nobble" this relentless man. So +it came to pass that he went to the Palace, reluctant, but "feeling we +could not refuse such a command from the Sovereign of the country." +He talked with CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI; saw the SULTAN's horse; +hung about for hours; no SULTAN appeared; went back to hotel quivering +under the insult. Had framed telegram ordering the British Fleet to +the Bosphorus, when VAMBÉRY turned up, pale and trembling; besought +the SHAH to do nothing rash; explained it was all a mistake. This +followed up by invitation to dine at the Palace the following day. + +All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were "excellent +wines, electric lights, and a great display of plate"; how the +SULTAN, concentrating his attention on the SHAH, and forgetful of poor +FREDERICK HARRISON, who had, somehow, been elbowed into obscurity, +paid court to this powerful personality; how he received him on the +daïs, and now cunningly, though ineffectually, he endeavoured to +secure on the spot the evacuation of Egypt, is told in the SHAH'S +delicious narrative. + +_Mr. Punch_, sharing in the thrilling interest this disclosure has +created throughout the civilised world, has been anxious to complete +the record by supplementing the SHAH's account of the interview, +with the SULTAN's own version. This was, at the outset, difficult. +Obstacles were thrown in the way, but they were overcome by the +pertinacity and ingenuity of Our Representative, who at last found +himself seated with the SULTAN on the very daïs from which SHAH +LEFEVRE had conferred with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of the +forty guests, "including the Austrian Ambassador," looked on, green +with envy. + +"It's a curious thing," said the SULTAN, laying down a book he had +been reading when Our Representative entered, "that, when you were +announced, I had just come upon a reference by your great Poet to your +still greater Statesman. You know the line in Lockandkey Hall,-- + + "'Oh the dreary, drear LEFEVRE! Oh the barren, barren SHAW!'" + +"That," Our Representative writes, "is not precisely the line as I +remember it; but I make it a rule never to correct a SULTAN." + +Accordingly His Majesty proceeded: "And so, my good Cousin, _Mr. +Punch_, wants to know all about this interview, the _bruit_ of which +has shaken the Universe. His wishes are commands to me. In the first +place, I will tell you (though this is not for publication), that it +was by the merest accident I had the advantage of knowing your great +countryman. I heard there had come to Constantinople one FREDERICK +HARRISON, head of a sect called the Positivists. I am, you know, in +my way, and within the limits of my kingdom, one of the most absolute +Positivists of the age. I wanted to see the English apostle, and told +them to ask him to dinner. Somehow things got mixed up, and, at the +preliminary morning call, the SHAH LEFEVRE walked in. Had never heard +of him before, but gathered from CHAKIR PACHA, who had been talking to +WAHAN EFFENDI, who, had seen WOODS PACHA, who had spent an hour with +VAMBÉRY, upon whom SHAH LEFEVRE had called, that the SHAH was really +the mainspring of the Liberal Party in England, GLADSTONE being merely +figure-head, HARCOURT in his pay, and CHAMBERLAIN suffering in exile +under his displeasure. Allah is Good! Here was a chance thrown into +my hands. I forgot all about FREDERICK HARRISON; told CHAKIR PACHA and +WAHAN EFFENDI to entertain the SHAH in the ante-chamber with coffee +and cigarettes, drawing him out on Armenia and Egypt. Meanwhile I +crept under the sofa, and heard every word. The SHAH very stern about +Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour and half +began to get tired under sofa; managed to stick in WAHAN EFFENDI's +Wellington boot a note, on which I had written, 'Take him to see my +horse.' So they went off to stable, and, as soon as coast was clear, +I crept out; shut myself up in room for rest of day. Heard afterwards +that they came back, the SHAH much impressed with appearance of my +horse; resumed conversation on Armenia and Egypt for another hour; at +last got rid of SHAH. + +"At night VAMBÉRY, disguised as melon-seller, entered Palace and +gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess had been made of +matters. The SHAH really didn't care about seeing the horse; wanted +to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. 'Better ask him to +dinner,' said VAMBÉRY; so despatched Grand Chamberlain in carriage and +six. The SHAH mollified; gave him a good dinner: plenty of electric +lights. Afterwards he was good enough to see me on the daïs. Tried +to get him to promise alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party +towards me; also wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops +from Egypt, But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. +Not to be drawn. Talk about Eastern statecraft! nothing to you +English, as represented by jour SHAH LEFEVRES. When I pressed him +to come to point about Egypt, he said, 'On this subject I can only +speak my own views. I am not authorised to speak on behalf of those +I am politically associated with, but personally I am opposed to the +occupation of Egypt by English troops.' There's an answer for you! +Your MACHIAVELLIS, your TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some +time, and given away a dinner all for nothing, except the memory +that will ever rest with me of having been privileged to see this +remarkable man standing on my daïs." + +Here the SULTAN clapped his hands three times, and Our Representative, +being carefully placed in a sack, was dropped into the Bosphorus, +whence he was rescued in time to send off this despatch for +publication in the current Number. + + * * * * * + +ACCIDENT ON THE ICE.--The other day a gentleman, well known in the +world of Sport and Art, was skating on the Serpentine, and fell in +with a friend. Both were getting on well when our reporter left. + + * * * * * + +EXTRACT FROM REPORT OF THE G.O.M.'S BIRTHDAY SPEECH AT HAWARDEN:-- + +[Illustration: _G.O.M._ (_to himself_). "I hope Lawson isn't looking +at me."] + +"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that not +infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way homewards after +midnight, sometimes very long after it, from the House of Commons, +I have stopped my course for a moment by the side of the drinking +fountain in Great George Street, Westminster, when there was nobody +to look at me, and have indulged in the refreshing draught which was +there afforded me, feeling at the same time that I was not performing +any action which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of +my excellent friend whose name is well known to you all--Sir WILFRID +LAWSON." + + * * * * * + +I'D BE A CRIMINAL. + +A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION. + +TUNE--_I'D BE A BUTTERFLY_. + + I'd be a criminal, born in a slum, + Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness meet; + For when to the court for my trial I come, + I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious and sweet. + + Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my power, + And Scientists sage will be slaves at my feet; + Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower, + And fools in my cause in their thousands will meet. + + They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary, + Some hope of escape to my prison to bring, + And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy + And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, talk or sing. + + Those I have butchered will get scant attention, + Interest's sure to be centred in me. + Painters will picture me, poets may mention, + Beauties discuss me at five o'clock tea. + + Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition, + Hypnotists swear I was somebody's tool; + And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition + Will promptly be signed by each faddist and fool. + + Murder--and good Dr. LIÈGOIS of Nancy + Will back you, LABRUYÈRE will help you away. + I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy, + He is the only true Hero to-day! + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK. + +(_FOR THE USE OF DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR ENTERTAINERS._) + +_The Strike in Scotland_.--You might suggest, that were it in Ireland, +one might see a _rail_ way out of it, or rather in it. This jest may +be expected to be appreciated by a parson's wife of the sharper sort. +Something ought to be got out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to +the North. Example of what can be done in this direction:--"People +who play with fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS." +However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may want +your blood before you get to the cigarettes. North Britons are very +jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and permit no +jokes upon the subject. You see, in letting off your witticism at +a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it _was_ a joke. You +might also hint that it was "hard lines" for the Railway Companies +concerned; but this will provoke gloom rather than gaiety amongst +those who have invested in Caledonians and North British. If you talk +about the riots in connection with the movement, you might say that +the pugnacious rioters remind you of safety matches, "for they not +only strike, but strike on the box!" + +_The Parnell Negociations in France_.--You can say something about +O'BRIEN's invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him an evening visit on +the French coast, reminds you of the once popular song, "_Meet me +by Moonlight, Boulogne_." If you are told that "Boulogne" should be +"Alone," return, "Precisely--borrowed a word--Boulogne was a loan." +This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might suggest +that Mr. O'BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, because even +when he was in prison he took an absorbing interest in _the proper +adjustment of breeches_! + +_The Row at the Post Office_.--As the Savings' Bank Department has for +years been the Cinderella of the Civil Service, this is a subject that +will not create much interest; however, you might possibly extract +a pleasantry out of the name of the present Postmaster-General in +connection with the now-appeased _employés_. With a little trouble +you should be able to say something quite sparkling about what the +"officers" _hoe_ to _Raikes_! + +_The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa_.--Rather a good subject at +a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on particularly affectionate +and intimate terms) are gathered together. Say you have got to the +dessert, and you start the subject. Observe that it is fortunate that +the SULTAN OF TURKEY is not interested in the matter, or there would +be further trouble of a like character. To the question, "Why?" reply, +taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, "would it not +be a second difficulty with the _Porte, you geese_?" To make the jest +perfect, connect Turkey in Europe with the _dindon aux marrons_, of +which you will have just partaken. + +_The Weather_.--If forced to fall back upon this venerable subject +(which should only be broached in the wilds of Cornwall, or other +equally primitive spots), of course you can speak of a hard frost +being "_an ice_ day for a hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at +it." If the weather breaks, you may observe, "_You thaw so_," but not +when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a deaf +old maid. And this, with the other witticisms recorded above, should +carry you (by desire) into the middle of next week. + + * * * * * + +A DEADLY KISS.--The Hotch-kiss. + + * * * * * + +A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE. + +(_BY A "SLIPPERED PANTALOON."_) + +[Illustration] + + Tax-gatherers molest one's door, + The streets are choked with messy mist; + I'm the proverbial Bachelor, + An old, prosaic Pessimist. + Yet somehow--who can tell me why?-- + Urged by the Past's dim Phantom, I'm + Disposed my cosy Club to fly, + And prank it at the Pantomime. + + A Phantom weird of things forgot! + My mother, proud of me at her + Sweet side--our yellow chariot-- + The long, long drive--the theatre-- + My fear to miss--my thrill when in-- + The Fairy Queen, the jolly King-- + The laughter flung at Harlequin, + And Pantaloon arollicking. + + And sister PRUE, and brother TIM, + (I scarcely recollected them), + Magnificent in gala trim: + Dear me, how I respected them! + I deemed them quite grown up, so bold + Seemed they, glared so defiantly: + Yet they, too, cowered to behold + Prone before JACK the Giant lie. + + Yes! Where is TIM, where PRUE, alack! + Where mother fondly pliant now? + Where for that matter too is JACK, + And where the grisly Giant now? + In lonely stall, with vacant brow + I sit and eye the _coryphées_: + In my time they were Fairies; now + They seem to me but sorry fays. + + The pageantry is twice as grand, + The wealth of wealth embarrasses; + And yet this is not elfinland + But great AUGUSTUS HARRIS's. + The _blasé_ children vote it flat, + When Mister Clown cries, "Here's a go!" + Yes, there's the box where erst we sat + And laughed so, sixty years ago. + + The very box: I think, you know, + The reason I'm so queer to-night + Is merely because long ago + Here faces were not here to-night. + I'd best be off--Bless me! no Clown? + No Stage?--no Past invidious? + No Orchestra?--but simply BROWN + Snoring the midnight hideous! + + No Drury Lane?--no tinsel flare?-- + No pirouetting Bogeydom?-- + Only a Club, and one who there + Forgot in sleep his Fogeydom! + Welcome my Transformation Scene; + I'm dull once more, and every + Old Bachelor like me, I ween, + May muse at times his reverie. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 17, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12866] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 17, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" + id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/25-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25-1.png" + alt="<h3>OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.</h3>DRAWING A BADGER." /> + </a> + + <h3>OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.</h3>DRAWING A BADGER. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S.</h3> + + <h4><i>Before the effigy of</i> Dr. KOCH, <i>who is represented + in the act of examining a test-tube with the expression of + bland blamelessness peculiar to Wax Models.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Well-informed Visitor</i>. That's Dr. KOCH, making his + great discovery!</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/25-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/25-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Unscientific V.</i> What did <i>he</i> discover?</p> + + <p><i>Well-inf. V.</i> Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got + it in that bottle he's holding up.</p> + + <p><i>Unsc. V.</i> And what's the good of it, now he <i>has</i> + discovered it?</p> + + <p><i>Well-inf. V.</i> Good? Why, it's the thing that causes + <i>consumption</i>, you know!</p> + + <p><i>Unsc. V.</i> Then it's a pity he didn't leave it + alone!</p> + + <h4><i>Before a Scene representing "The Home Life At + Sandringham."</i></h4> + + <p><i>First Old Lady</i> (<i>with Catalogue</i>). It says here + that "the note the page is handing <i>may</i> have come from + Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the Comptroller of the Royal Household" + Fancy <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Second Old Lady</i>. He's brought it in in his fingers. + Now <i>that</i>'s a thing I never allow in <i>my</i> house. I + always tell SARAH to bring all letters, and even circulars, in + on a tray!</p> + + <h4><i>Before a Scene representing the late</i> FRED ARCHER, + <i>mounted, on Ascot Race-course.</i></h4> + + <p><i>A. Sportsman</i>. H'm—ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have + backed his mount in <i>that</i> race!</p> + + <h4><i>Before "The Library at Hawarden."</i></h4> + + <p><i>Gladstonian Enthusiast</i> (<i>to</i> Friend, <i>who, + with the perverse ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been + endeavouring to identify the</i> Rev. JOHN WESLEY <i>among the + Cabinet in Downing Street</i>). Oh, never mind all that lot, + BETSY; they're only the <i>Gover'ment</i>! Here's dear Mr. and + Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for something in + a drawer of his side-board—ain't that <i>natural</i>? And + only look—a lot of people have been leaving Christmas + cards on him (<i>a pretty and touching tribute of affection, + which is eminently characteristic of a warm-hearted + Public</i>). I wish I'd thought o' bringing one with me!</p> + + <p><i>Her Friend</i>. So do I. We might send one 'ere by + post—but it'll have to be a New Year Card now!</p> + + <p><i>A Strict Old Lady</i> (<i>before next group</i>). Who are + these two? "Mr. 'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in + <i>Faust</i>," eh? No—I don't care to stop to see + them—that's play-actin', that is—and I don't 'old + with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' + of over here? What—Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING + at the High Altar at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and + don't encourage Popery by looking at such figures. I <i>did</i> + 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and the prambilator somewheres. + I <i>should</i> like to see that, now.</p> + + <h3>IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY.</h3> + + <p><i>An Aunt</i> (<i>who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine + of useful information</i>). Look, BOBBY, dear (<i>reading</i>). + "Here we have CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '<i>Nights of + Straparola</i>,' an Italian romancist, whose book was + translated into French in the year 1585—"</p> + + <p><i>Bobby</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). Oh, then it <i>isn't</i> + Puss in Boots!</p> + + <p><i>A Genial Grandfather</i> (<i>pausing before "Crusoe and + Friday"</i>). Well, PERCY, my boy, you know who <i>that</i> is, + at all events—eh?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. I suppose it is STANLEY—but it's not + very like.</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> STANLEY!—Why, bless my soul, never + heard of <i>Robinson Crusoe</i> and his man <i>Friday</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Oh, I've <i>heard</i> of them, of + course—they come in Pantomimes—but I like more + grown-up sort of books myself, you know. Is this girl asleep + <i>She</i>?</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> No—at least—well, I expect it's + "<i>The Sleeping Beauty</i>." You remember her, of + course—all about the ball, and the glass slipper, and her + father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the palace, + eh?</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time + for general reading than we get. (<i>He looks through a + practicable cottage window.</i>) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not + badly stuffed!</p> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> Why that must be "<i>Old Mother + Hubbard</i>." (<i>Quoting from memory.</i>) "Old Mother Hubbard + sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas pie—or a + <i>bone</i> was it?"</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Don't know. It's not in <i>Selections from + British Poetry</i>, which we have to get up for "rep."</p> + + <p><i>The Aunt</i> (<i>reading from Catalogue</i>). "The absurd + ambulations of this antique person, and the equally absurd + antics of her dog, need no recapitulation." Here's "<i>Jack the + Giant Killer</i>" next. Listen, BOBBY, to what it says about + him here. (<i>Reads.</i>) "It is clearly the last transmutation + of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, of + CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when + he first settled in Britain. But more than this"—I hope + you're listening, BOBBY?—"<i>more</i> than this, it is + quite evident, even to the superficial student of Greek + mythology, that many of the main incidents and ornaments are + borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and HOMER." Think of that, + now!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[BOBBY <i>thinks of it, with depression.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The G.G.</i> (<i>before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling + new lamps for old</i>). Here you are, you see! "<i>Ali + Baba</i>," got 'em all here, you see. Never read your + "<i>Arabian Nights</i>," either! Is that the way they bring up + boys nowadays!</p> + + <p><i>Percy</i>. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a + fellow reads that kind of thing when he's <i>young</i>, he + doesn't get a chance afterwards.</p> + + <p><i>The Aunt</i> (<i>still quoting</i>). "In the famous + work," BOBBY, "by which we know MASÛDI, he mentions the Persian + Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,—nor have commentators failed to + notice that the occasion of the book written for the Princess + HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew Bible about + ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two or + three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew <i>that</i> before!... + This is "<i>Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea</i>"—let's + see what they say about <i>him</i>. (<i>Reads.</i>) "Both the + story of <i>Sindbad</i> and the old Basque legend of Tartaro + are undoubtedly borrowed from the <i>Odyssey</i> of HOMER, + whose <i>Iliad</i> and <i>Odyssey</i> were translated into + Syriac in the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how + interesting, now! and, BOBBY, what <i>do</i> you think someone + says about "<i>Jack and the Beanstalk</i>"? He says—"this + tale is an allegory of the Teutonic Al-fader, the red hen + representing the all-producing sun: the moneybags, the + fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm sure it + seems likely enough, doesn't it?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[BOBBY <i>suppresses a yawn</i>; PERCY's <i>feelings are + outraged by receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; + general move to the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>Before the Hampstead Tableaux.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Spectators</i>. Dear, dear, there's the <i>dresser</i>, + you see, and the window, broken and all; it's wonderful how + they can <i>do</i> it! And there's poor Mrs. 'OGG—it's + real butter and a real loaf she's cutting, and the poor baby, + too!... Here's the actual casts taken after they were murdered. + Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling the + perambulator—it's the <i>very</i> perambulator! No, not + the very one—they've got <i>that</i> at the other place, + and the piece of toffee the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, + we <i>must</i> try and go there, too, before the children's + holidays are over. And this is all? Well, well, everything very + nice, I <i>will</i> say. But a pity they couldn't get the + <i>real</i> perambulator!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" + id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>BURNS VERSUS BURNS.</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE—"<i>Push + about the + Jorum!</i>"</h3><a href="images/26.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/26.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, let us not like snarling tykes,</p> + + <p class="i2">In wrangling be divided;</p> + + <p>Till slap comes in an uncoo loon</p> + + <p class="i2">And with a rung decide it.</p> + + <p>Be Britain still to Britain true,</p> + + <p class="i2">Among oursels united;</p> + + <p>For never but by British hands</p> + + <p class="i2">Maun British wrongs be righted!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">ROBERT BURNS's "<i>Dumfries + Volunteers</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Shade of</i> BURNS, <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS,</p> + + <p class="i2">My namesake—in a fashion,</p> + + <p>You do my Scots the warst o' turns</p> + + <p class="i2">Sae stirrin' up their passion.</p> + + <p>Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks?</p> + + <p class="i2">Or frae the County Council?</p> + + <p>Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks;</p> + + <p class="i2">We take your brag and bounce ill!</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Does Cockneydom invasion threat?</p> + + <p class="i2">Then let the louns beware, Sir!</p> + + <p>Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet,</p> + + <p class="i2">And for hersel' can fare, Sir.</p> + + <p>The Thames shall run to join the Tweed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Criffel adorn Thames valley,</p> + + <p>'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed</p> + + <p class="i2">On Scottish ground shall rally.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A man's a man for a' that, JOHN,</p> + + <p class="i2">And ane's as good as tither;</p> + + <p>But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN,</p> + + <p class="i2">That mutinies in bad weather.</p> + + <p>Nae flouts to "honest industry"</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall fa' frae the + Exciseman;</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" + id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <p>But ane who blaws up strife like this,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wisdom deems not a wise man.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scot business may be out o' tune,</p> + + <p class="i2">True harmony may fail in't,</p> + + <p>But deil a cockney tinkler loon</p> + + <p class="i2">We need to rant and rail in't.</p> + + <p>Our fathers on occasion fought,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so can we, if needed;</p> + + <p>But windy words with frenzy fraught</p> + + <p class="i2">Sound Scots should pass unheeded.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let toilers not, like snarling tykes,</p> + + <p class="i2">In wrangling be divided,</p> + + <p>Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Steps in, and we're derided.</p> + + <p>Be Scotland still to Scotland true,</p> + + <p class="i2">Amang oursels united;</p> + + <p>'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you</p> + + <p class="i2">Our wrangs shall best be righted.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The knave who'd crush the toilers doun,</p> + + <p class="i2">And him, his true-born brither,</p> + + <p>Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown,</p> + + <p class="i2">Should be kicked out together.</p> + + <p>Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen!</p> + + <p class="i2">Scots cherish throne and steeple,</p> + + <p>But while we sing "<i>God save the + Queen</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> won't forget the + People.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fal de ral, &c.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A LENGTHY NOVEL.—<i>A Thousand Lines of Her Own</i>, + in 3000 vols., by the Authoress of <i>A Line of Her Own</i>, in + 3 vols. N.B.—What a long line this must be to occupy + three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:75%;"> + <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/27.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID." /></a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.</h3> + + <p><i>Small Stranger</i> (<i>to Master of the house</i>). + "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS OPENS THE DOOR <i>WILL</i> GIVE IT + YER, IF YER RING <i>THAT</i> BELL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC GOSSIP.</h2> + + <p>During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, + <i>Ivanhoe</i>, a grave objection to the subject occurred to + him, which was, that one of the chief personages in the + <i>dramatis personæ</i> must be "Gilbert"—<i>i.e.</i>, + <i>Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert</i>. True, that <i>Sir Brian</i> + is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous + disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he + couldn't change the character's name to <i>Sir Brian de + Bois-Sullivan</i>, and Mr. D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his + name to appear in the bill except as Lessee. "I can't put him + in simply as <i>Sir Brian</i>," said the puzzled Composer, + "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my librettist + will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But the + name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," + objected D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out + of a hundred," answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, + persistently, "it isn't spelt the same." "No," replied Sir + ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; there's 'u' and 'i' in it; + we're both mixed up with this <i>Guilbert</i>." Fortunately, + the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as a + memento of the happy termination to the temporary + misunderstanding, Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, + designed to call the character "<i>Sir Brian de + Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan</i>." Whether the mysterious + librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the + public ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or + not, it is now pretty certain that there will be no departure + from the great novelist's original nomenclature.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A BREACH OF VERACITY.—According to the papers, the + Chief Secretary's Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of + clothing designed for the poor in the West of Ireland, sent in + response to the request of Lord ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. + We understand there is no truth in the report, that amongst the + first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. O'BRIEN's + br—s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go + to prison again, he had no further use for the article.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW IRISH DRINK.—The Parnellite "Split."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A REMINISCENCE OF C.K.</h2> + + <p>The excellent article in the <i>Times</i> on the 6th inst. + upon CHARLES KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the + <i>P.M.G.</i> of a day earlier performed his self-imposed task + with a judicious and loving hand, and, as far as I can judge, + his account of our lamented colleague seems to be correct. As + to our CARLO's Mastership in his Black-and-White Art, there can + be but one opinion among Artists. Those who possess the whole + of the <i>Once a Week</i> series will there find admirable + specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most + striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I + remember a story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An + artistic friend was in KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, + pipe in mouth, of course. "I can't understand," said his + friend, "how you produce that effect of distance in so small a + picture." "O—um—easy enough," replied KEENE. "Look + here,"—and—<i>he did it</i>. But when and how he + gave <i>the</i> touch which made the effect, his friend, + following his work closely, was unable to discover. F.C.B.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PARS ABOUT PICTURES.—There is always something fresh + coming out at Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond + Street. Their latest novelty is the result of a caravan tour + from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend upon it, he found it very nice!" + said Young PAR, regardless of propriety and pronunciation) by + Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS utilised such an expedition + from a literary point of view in his inimitable "<i>Cruise upon + Wheels</i>," and this young artist has turned similar + wanderings to good artistic account. His <i>cartes de + visite</i>—no, I beg pardon, his <i>caravans de + visite</i>—are numerous and varied. Verily, my brethren, + all is caravanity! Not altogether, for Mr. SAINTON, in addition + to returning with his caravan and himself, has brought back an + interesting collection of original and delicate works in oil + and silver-point—in short, taken every caravantage of his + special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"—Twenty-three American + ships, 118 guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, + 1,229 men; and seven German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 + men—all in "Pacific" waters! Looks like Pacific, doesn't + it?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" + id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XI.—THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE.</h3> + + <h4><i>By</i> READER FAGHARD, <i>Author of "Queen Bathsheba's + Ewers," "Yawn," "Guess," "Me," "My Ma's at Penge," "Smallun + Halfboy," "General Porridge, D.T.," "Me a Kiss," "The + Hemisphere's Wish</i>," &c., &c.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>[In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of + this novel, the Author gives a description of his literary + method. We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been + accused of plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is + ridiculous. Nature is the great plagiarist, the sucker of + the brains of authors. There is no situation, however + romantic or grotesque, which Nature does not sooner or + later appropriate. Therefore the more natural an author is, + the more liable is he to envious accusations of + plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in an absence + of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially + humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied + at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South + African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, + '<i>Ars Langa Rider brevis</i>,' and a very good motto too. + I like writing in couples. Personally I could never have + bothered myself to learn up all these quaint myths and + literary fairy tales, but LANG likes it."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>CHAPTER I.</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/28.png" + alt="Then a strange thing happened." /></a>"Then a + strange thing happened." + </div> + + <p>My name is SMALLUN HALFBOY, a curious name for an old fellow + like me, who have been battered and knocked about all over the + world from Yorkshire to South Africa. I'm not much of a hand at + writing, but, bless your heart, I know the <i>Bab Ballads</i> + by heart, and I can tell you it's no end of a joke quoting them + everywhere, especially when you quote out of an entirely + different book. I am not a brave man, but nobody ever was a + surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever killed more + Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But I do + love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, + with gashes and slashes and lopped heads and arms and legs + rolling about everywhere. Black blood is the best variety; I + mean the blood of black men, because nobody really cares + twopence about them, and you can massacre several thousands of + them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no single soul. And, + after all, I am not certain that black men have any souls, so + that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the <i>Bab + Ballads</i>.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER II.</h4> + + <p>I was staying with my old friend Sir HENRY HURTUS last + winter at his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting + all day with indifferent results, and were returning home + fagged and weary with our rifles over our shoulders. I ought to + have mentioned that COODENT—of course, you remember + Captain COODENT, R.N.—was of the party. Ever since he had + found his legs so much admired by an appreciative public, he + had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to show them. This, + however, was not done from vanity, I think, but rather from a + high sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to be + born with personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any + sense of false modesty from gratifying the reading public by + their display. Lord, how we had laughed to see him struggling + through the clinging brambles in Sir HENRY's coverts with his + eye-glass in his eye and his Express at the trail. At every + step his unfortunate legs had been more and more torn, until + there was literally not a scrap of sound skin upon them + anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had roared when old + VELVETEENS the second keeper had brought up to poor COODENT a + lump of flesh from his right leg, which he had found sticking + on a thorn-bush in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly Sir + HENRY stopped and shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously. We + all imitated him, though for my part, not being a sportsman, I + had no notion what was up. "What's the time of day, Sir HENRY?" + I ventured to whisper. Sir HENRY never looked at me, but took + out his massive gold Winchester repeater and consulted it in a + low voice. "Four thirty," I heard him say, "they are about + due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. + "Duck, duck!" shouted Sir HENRY, now thoroughly aroused. I + immediately did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not + know what might be coming, and I am a very timid man. At that + moment I heard a joint report from Sir HENRY and COODENT. It + gave on the whole a very favourable view of the situation, and + by its light I saw six fine mallard, four teal and three + widgeon come hurtling down, as dead as so many door-nails, and + much heavier on the top of my prostrate body.</p> + + <p>When I recovered Sir HENRY was bending over me and pouring + brandy down my throat. COODENT was sitting on the ground + binding up his legs. "My dear old friend," said Sir HENRY, in + his kindest tone, "this Yorkshire is too dangerous. My mind is + made up. This very night we all start for Mariannakookaland. + There at least our lives will be safe."</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER III.</h4> + + <p>We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a month + travelling on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the + scorching African sun which all but burnt us in our + <i>treks</i>. Our <i>Veldt</i> slippers were worn out, and our + pace was consequently reduced to the merest <i>Kraal</i>. At + rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had seen Stars + and heard of Echoes, but now not a single <i>Kopje</i> was + left, and we were trudging along mournfully with our blistered + <i>tongas</i> protruding from our mouths.</p> + + <p>Suddenly Sir HENRY spoke—"SMALLUN, my old friend," he + said, "do you see anything in the distance?"</p> + + <p>I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see + nothing but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir HENRY. I swept + the distance with my glance. It was a sandy, arid distance, + and, naturally enough, a small cloud of dust appeared. Then a + strange thing happened. The cloud grew and grew. It came + rolling towards us with an unearthly noise. Then it seemed to + be cleft in two, as by lightning, and from its centre came + marching towards us a mighty army of Amazonian warriors, in + battle-array, chanting the war-song of the Mariannakookas. I + must confess that my first instinct was to fly, my second to + run, my third, and best, to remain rooted to the spot. When the + army came within ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by magic, + and a stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the + Commander-in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore + an immense native jelibag, tricked out with feathers; her + breast was encased in a huge silver <i>tureene</i>. Her waist + was encircled with a broad girdle, in which were stuck all + manner of deadly arms, <i>stuhpans, sorspans, spîhts</i>, and + <i>deeshecloutz</i>. In her left hand she carried a + deadly-looking <i>kaster</i>, while in her right she brandished + a massive <i>rolinpin</i>, a frightful weapon, which produces + internal wounds of the most awful kind. Her regiments were + similarly armed, save that, in their case, the breast-covering + was made of inferior metal, and they wore no feathers in their + head-dress. The Commander held up her hand. Instantly the + war-song ceased. Then the Commander addressed us, and her voice + sounded like the song of them that address the + <i>butchaboys</i> in the morning. And this was the + <i>torque</i> she hurled at us,—</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER IV.</h4> + + <p>"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am + She-who-will-never-Obey, the Queen of the Mariannakookas. I + rule above, and in nether regions, where there is Eternal Fire. + Behold my Word goes forth, and the Ovens are made hot, and the + <i>Kee-chen-boi-lars</i> are filled with Water. Over me no + Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save + only the <i>Weeklibuks</i>; them I keep not down, for they + delight me. And the land over which I reign is made glad with + fat and much stored up <i>Dripn</i>. Who are ye, and what seek + ye here? Speak ere it be too late!" And as she ceased the whole + army broke forth into a chorus, "She-who-will-never-Obey has + spoken! The Word is gone forth! Speak, speak!" I confess I was + alarmed, and my fears were not diminished when two of the + <i>Skulrimehds</i> (a sort of native camp-follower) came up to + COODENT and me, and actually began to make love to us in the + most forward manner. But Sir HENRY maintained his calm + demeanour. "She-who-will-never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful + traders. We bring no Commission—" how his sentence would + have ended will never be known. Certain it is that what he said + roused the Amazons to a frenzy of passion. They yelled and + danced round us. "He who <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> brings no Commission must + die!" they shouted; and in a moment we found ourselves bound + tightly hand-and-foot, and marching as prisoners of war in + the centre of the Mariannakookaland army.</p> + + <h4>CHAPTER V.</h4> + + <p>It is unnecessary to go through the details of our + marvellous escape from the lowest dungeon of the royal Palace + of SURVAN TSAUL, where for months we were immured on a constant + diet of suet pudding. Of course we did escape, but only after + killing ten thousand Mariannakookas, and then swimming for a + mile in their blood. COODENT brought with him a very pretty + <i>Skulrimehd</i> who had grown attached to him, but she + drooped and pined away after he lost his false teeth in + crossing a river, and tried to replace them with orange-peel, a + trick he had learnt at school. Sir HENRY's fight with + She-who-will-never-Obey is still remembered. He will carry the + marks of her nails on his cheeks to his grave. I myself am + tired of wandering. "<i>Home, Sweet Home</i>," as the <i>Bab + Ballads</i> have it, is the place for me.</p> + + <center> + THE END. + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Own Reciter.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/29-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our + town.</p> + + <p>We laughed enough the opening night to bring the + theatre down.</p> + + <p>The piece was <i>Burleybumbo</i>, <i>the Old Giant, + and his Men</i>;</p> + + <p><i>Fairy Starlight, Little Popsey, and the Demon of + the Glen</i>.</p> + + <p>The Supers were collected from the local talent + round,</p> + + <p>And for <i>Burleybumbo's</i> servant the Blacksmith, + JOHN, they found;</p> + + <p>A stalwart varlet was required to carry off his + foes</p> + + <p>To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he + chose.</p> + + <p>His minions, who wore hideous masks, had nothing + much to say,</p> + + <p>So an IRVING was not wanted to do their part of the + play.</p> + + <p>On this eventful night the house was packed from + roof to pit,</p> + + <p>And the Manager was jubilant at having made a + hit.</p> + + <p>The Curtain drawing slowly up, revealed a flowery + glade,</p> + + <p>In which the <i>Fairy Starlight</i> and her lovely + maidens played.</p> + + <p>The wicked Demon then came on, and round the stage + did glower;</p> + + <p>No mortal man could e'er withstand his wrath or evil + power.</p> + + <p>Last of all came <i>Burleybumbo</i> with his crew, a + motley horde,</p> + + <p>Our old friend, Blacksmith JOHN, was in attendance + on his lord.</p> + + <p>They were singing and carousing, when a man rushed + in to say</p> + + <p>That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down + that way.</p> + + <p>The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes + that they might plunder</p> + + <p>The unsuspecting wayfarers. Alas! now came the + blunder:</p> + + <p>Old JOHN he wouldn't hide himself, but coolly walked + about</p> + + <p>Advancing to the footlights, he looked + around—but hark! a shout:—</p> + + <p>"Confound you! Dash my—! Just come off! Hi, + you! Who are you? JOHN!"</p> + + <p>"Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I've only just + come on!"</p> + + <p>Thus saying, he lumbered round the stage. The + Prompter's heart had sunk:</p> + + <p>No doubt about the matter—<i>Burleybumbo's</i> + man is drunk!</p> + + <p>"Come off! Come off!" from every wing was now the + angry cry.</p> + + <p>"Me off, indeed! Oh, would yer? Sh'like to see the + feller try!"</p> + + <p><i>Burleybumbo</i> then appeared, and vainly tried + to drag him back.</p> + + <p>JOHN stove his pasteboard head in with a most + refreshing crack.</p> + + <p>The wicked Demon now rushed on; his supernatural + might</p> + + <p>Was very little use to him on this surprising + night.</p> + + <p>He tried to push him down the glade, but here again + JOHN sold him;</p> + + <p>He caught the Demon round the waist, and at the + Prompter bowled him.</p> + + <p>Ah! such a shindy ne'er was seen, such riot and such + rage—</p> + + <p>It was the finest "rally" ever seen on any + stage!</p> + + <p>'Mid shrieks and cat-calls, whistles shrill, + hysterics and guffaws,</p> + + <p>They rang the Curtain down amidst uproarious + applause.</p> + + <p>The piece is still a great success; but, I regret to + say,</p> + + <p>JOHN's name appears no longer in the bills of that + fine play!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NOT INSIDE OUT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair Maiden, you're looking a vision of beauty,</p> + + <p>You may comfort yourself you've no rival to + fear;</p> + + <p>But you won't take it ill if I feel it my duty</p> + + <p>To whisper a word of advice in your ear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, the word would be this—when the daylight + is dawning,</p> + + <p>Or, at any rate, when it's more early than late,</p> + + <p>Pray remember the coachman, who, fitfully + yawning</p> + + <p>Outside in the street, finds it weary to wait.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You reck not at all of the hours that are + fleeting,</p> + + <p>You ask for an "extra"—you can't be + denied.</p> + + <p>But though, doubtless, soft nothings may set your + heart beating,</p> + + <p>Yet they're awfully cold for the people outside.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Want of thought, not of heart, is the reason as + ever,</p> + + <p>So if you find leisure to read through this + rhyme,</p> + + <p>When you order your carriage, in future + endeavour</p> + + <p>To prevent any waiting—by being in time,</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>The Publisher of <i>The Century Illustrated Monthly + Magazine</i>, earnestly requests the reviewer, appealing to his + heart in the reddest of red ink, on a slip of paper pasted on + to the cover of the Magazine, not to extract and quote more + than one column of "Talleyrand's Memoirs," which appear in this + number for January. The Publisher of the <i>C.I.M.M.</i> does + not appeal personally to the Baron—who is now the last, + bar one, of the Barons, and that bar one is one at the + Bar,—but, for all that, the Baron hereby and hereon takes + his solummest Half-a-Davey or his entire Davey, that he will + not write, engrave, or represent, or cause to be, &c, for + purposes of quotation, one single word, much less line, of + <i>Tallyho</i>—beg pardon, of + <i>Talleyrand</i>,—extracts from whose memoirs are now + appearing in the aforesaid <i>C.I.M.M.</i> But all he will say + at present is this, that, if the secret and private Memoirs + haven't got in them anything more thrilling or startling, or + out of the merest common-place, than appears in this number of + the <i>C.I.M.M.</i>, then the Baron will say that he would + prefer reading such contributions as M. de BLOWITZ's story of + "How he became a Special," or <i>The Pigmies of the African + Forest</i> by HENRY M. STANLEY in the same number of this + Mag.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/29-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/29-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>What the Baron dearly loves is, ELLIOT STOCK-IN-TRADE <i>The + Book-worm</i>, always most interesting to Book-worms, and + almost as interesting to Book-grubs or Book-butterflies. By the + way, the publishing office of <i>The Book-worm</i> ought to be + in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is <i>The Book-worm</i> + an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in the Old + Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is + shown from a modern instance, well and wisely commented upon in + this very number for January, No. 38, which is excellent food + for worms; the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of + Worms. Success to the <i>Book-worm</i>! May it grow to double + the size, and be a glow-worm, to enlighten us in the bye-paths + of literature. "<i>Prosit!</i>" says the Baron.</p> + + <p>I would that some one would write of BROWNING's work as + HENRY VAN DYKE has written of TENNYSON's. To the superficial + and cursory reader of the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the + fire on a winter's night, the wind howling over the sea, and + the snow drifting against the window, and being chucked in + handfuls down the chimney, and frizzling on the fire, says, get + this book, published by ELKIN MATHEWS: <i>ça donne à + penser</i>, and this is its great merit. "Come into the Garden, + Maud"—no, thank you, not to-night; but give me my + shepherd's pipe, with the fragrant bird's-eye in it, with + [Greek: ton grogon], while I sit by the cheerful fire, in the + best of good company—my books.</p> + + <p>Our Mr. GRIFFITHES (CHESTER, MAYHEW, BROOME, AND GRIFFITHES) + has been all the way <i>From Bedford Row to Swazieland</i>, and + has written a lively narrative of his perilous journey. He went + on a professional retainer. You don't catch Bedford Row in + Swazieland on other terms. Being there, he kept his eyes open, + saw a good deal, and describes his impressions in racy fashion. + He did not like the coffee served <i>en route</i>, and was + disappointed with the Southern Cross; but on the whole enjoyed + the trip. One would naturally expect that the price of his book + would be six-and-eight-pence, or, regarding it in the form of a + letter, three-and-fourpence, but BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. + issue it at a shilling.</p> + + <p>THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" + id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/30.png" + alt="WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH." /></a> + + <h3>WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h3> + + <p><i>Our Artist</i>. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PORTRAITS, + MISS BUNNY? THE SITTERS ARE ALL OLD FRIENDS OF YOURS, I + BELIEVE?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss Bunny</i> (<i>triumphantly</i>). "YES; AND, ONLY + THINK, I'VE ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GUESS THEM ALL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ARBITRATION.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Seal, suddenly emerging, loquitur</i>:—</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Belay, you two lubbers, avast there! avast + there!</p> + + <p class="i2">What signifies squalling and + squabbling?</p> + + <p>You're both argufying a good bit too fast there,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whilst that which you stand on seems + wobbling.</p> + + <p>You'll be in a mess, Messmates, shortly, the pair of + you.</p> + + <p class="i2">Give <i>me</i> a thought in the + matter!</p> + + <p><i>My</i> interest's at stake, and it isn't quite + fair of you</p> + + <p class="i2">Me to ignore 'midst your clatter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If 'twere not for me, Mates, this cold Behring's + Sea, Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">Would hardly strike you as so + tempting.</p> + + <p>Do grant your poor prey, if I may make so free, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">From slaughter some annual exempting!</p> + + <p>I'm worried and walloped without intermission</p> + + <p class="i2">Until even family duties</p> + + <p>Quite fail, whilst your countrymen cudgel and fish + on.</p> + + <p class="i2">By Jingo, some of 'em are beauties!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My poor wife and children have not half a chance, + Mates.</p> + + <p class="i2">That's not to your interest, I + reckon.</p> + + <p>Cease shindy, and on a new course make advance, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where sense and humanity beckon.</p> + + <p>There's not much of either in cruelly clubbing</p> + + <p class="i2">My progeny all out of season;</p> + + <p>And if you are bent upon mutual drubbing,</p> + + <p class="i2">You must quite have parted with + reason.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Mare clausum</i>, be blowed! That's all BLAINE's + big bow-wow, Mates.</p> + + <p class="i2">Men can't thus monopolise oceans.</p> + + <p>Diplomacy <i>must</i> find a compromise now, + Mates,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, well—I have told you <i>my</i> + notions.</p> + + <p>Give me a close-time,—I shall be very + grateful—</p> + + <p class="i2">And leave the Sea open! What more, + Mates?</p> + + <p>For brothers like you to be huffing, is hateful.</p> + + <p class="i2">Be friends, think of me, + and—<i>bong swor</i>, Mates!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Dives under.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>UP-TO-TIME TABLE, FROM THE NORTH.</h2> + + <table summary="Timetable" + align="center" + border="1"> + <tr> + <td></td> + + <td align="center">Morning<br /> + Fast.</td> + + <td align="center">Mineral<br /> + and Parl.</td> + + <td align="center">General<br /> + Express.</td> + + <td align="center">Traffic and<br /> + Even. Mail.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Edinburgh<br /> + (Waverley Station)</td> + + <td align="center">7 A.M. to<br /> + 9.30</td> + + <td align="center">11 A.M. A</td> + + <td align="center">Noon F</td> + + <td align="center">9 P.M. L</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Carlisle</td> + + <td align="center">12.15</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Hawick</td> + + <td align="center">4.30</td> + + <td align="center">B</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Galashiels</td> + + <td align="center">9.45</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">2.15 G</td> + + <td align="center">1 A.M. M</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"> + Motherwell<big><big><big><big>{</big></big></big></big></td> + + <td align="center">1 P.M.<br /> + (Stopped<br /> + by riot)</td> + + <td align="center"> + <big><big><big><big>}</big></big></big></big>4 P.M. + C</td> + + <td align="center">3.19 H</td> + + <td align="center">3.20 N</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">St. Margaret's Works</td> + + <td align="center">3.30</td> + + <td align="center">5 D</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Perth</td> + + <td align="center">9.45 A.M.</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">11.26 I</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Glasgow</td> + + <td align="left">12.30 P.M.</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aberfeldy</td> + + <td align="left">6.13</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Dundee</td> + + <td align="left">1.12 A.M.</td> + + <td align="center">3 A.M.to 9</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Inverness</td> + + <td align="left">9.23</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + + <td align="center">3.5 J</td> + + <td align="center">...</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Aberdeen</td> + + <td align="left">11.6</td> + + <td align="center">7 P.M.? E</td> + + <td align="center">1 A.M. K</td> + + <td align="center">O</td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>A—Takes delayed pig-iron and third-class passengers. + B—Half of train stops here through breaking an axle-pin. + C—Passengers, for protection, get under seats of + carriages. D—Stops for repairs. E—Having had a + collision at the junction for Aberfeldy, will come on, if there + are any passengers equal to finishing the journey.</p> + + <p>F—Starts under the management of a Director, and, + owing to a misunderstanding, dashes off to Aberdeen, without + stopping. G—Doesn't stop, but knocks over a + station-master. H—Is pelted as it tears through the + station by <i>ex-employés</i>. I—Knocks over another + station-master. J—Meets a pilot-engine, which it splits + in half. K—Goes at full speed through the end of the + terminus, depositing the passengers in a heap in the middle of + the town.</p> + + <p>L—Train starts, made up of horse-boxes and + luggage-vans full of three weeks' arrears of parcels, + first-class carriages, Post-office van, fifty coal-trucks, and + a wild beast show, the Directors wishing to make up for lost + time. M—Train breaking down here, mail and passengers + only forwarded. N—Train attacked by rioters. Pitched + battle with the passengers. O—Telegram from Motherwell + saying, that owing to police intervention, train starts the day + after to-morrow.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" + id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/31.png" + alt="ARBITRATION." /></a> + + <h3>ARBITRATION.</h3> + + <p>THE SEAL. "BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!—AVAST + QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A 'CLOSE-TIME,' AND LEAVE THE 'SEA' AN + OPEN QUESTION."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" + id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/33.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/33.png" + alt="SHOCKING!" /></a> + + <h3>SHOCKING!</h3> + + <p><i>Fair New-Englander</i> (<i>spending the Winter in the + Old Country</i>). "OH, WHAT A LOVE! AND IS IT THE FIRST YOU + HAVE SHOT THIS YEAR, CAPTAIN RASPER?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Drama Founded—more or less—upon + Facts.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT I.—"PAST."—<i>Interior of the Savings + Bank Department of the G.P.O.</i> Employés <i>engaged upon + their work. The hour for customary cessation of labour + strikes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Official of a Higher Grade</i>. Officers and Gentlemen, + the exigencies of the Public Service require your presence for + some time longer. I beg you to continue your work.</p> + + <p><i>A Hundred Employés</i>. Never! (<i>Aside.</i>) Ha! ha! + the employment of Female Clerks is avenged!</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> (<i>almost in tears</i>). Reconsider your + decision, I beg—I implore!</p> + + <p><i>Another Hundred Employés</i>. Never! (<i>Aside.</i>) + Seven hours a day and no longer—shall be secured at one + fell swoop!</p> + + <p><i>Off.</i> (<i>with indescribable emotion</i>). Oh, my + country! Oh, my Savings Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the + Civil Service!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Faints in the arms of faithful</i> Employés, + <i>whilst the other Clerks defiantly depart. + Tableau.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT II.—"PRESENT."—<i>Magnificent apartments + of the</i> P.-M.-Gen. <i>in the G.P.O. Deputation of + contrite</i> Employés <i>listening to the eloquent speech + of their Official Chief.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>P.M.G.</i> (<i>in effect</i>). I am delighted that you + are such good fellows. Your conduct in owning that you were + wrong in refusing to work after regular official hours, almost + effaces a painful page in the history of St. Martin's-le-Grand. + Let it be clearly understood that extra work is <i>not</i> + compulsory, <i>but</i>, if <i>not</i> undertaken, may lead (as + in the present instance) to immediate suspension, if not + dismissal. Surely no one can object to that? (<i>Contrite</i> + Officials <i>express mournful approval.</i>) And now good-bye, + and A Happy New Year. As for the future—hope, my good + friends, hope!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt the contrite</i> Employés, <i>leaving the</i> + Officials of a Higher Grade <i>agitating the nerves + controlling their eyelids spasmodically.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>ACT III.—"FUTURE."—<i>Same Scene as Act + I.</i> Venerable Employés <i>discovered, after twenty + years' further service.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Venerable Employé</i>. Remember the words spoken a + score of winters ago—Hope, brother, hope!</p> + + <p><i>Second Venerable Employé</i>. Yes—Hope, brother, + hope!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are + left continuing the self-sustaining, but rather profitless + employment, indefinitely. Curtain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p><i>A Son of the Pool</i>. By the Author of <i>A Daughter of + the Pyramids</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>Charles Keene</h2> + + <h4>BORN AUGUST 10, 1823. DIED JANUARY 4, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What words avail to honour friends departed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gone from the gatherings which so long + they graced?</p> + + <p>What phrase seems fit when comrades + loyal-hearted</p> + + <p class="i2">Mourn a loved presence late by death + displaced?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No formal elegiacs fashioned coldly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beseem the memory of that manly soul,</p> + + <p>Whose simple, downright spirit trod so boldly</p> + + <p class="i2">Life's most sequestered ways from start + to goal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not rank's trim pleasaunce, nor parades of + fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Tempted his genius; his the great + highway</p> + + <p>Where, free from courtly pride and modish + passion,</p> + + <p class="i2">Toil tramps, free humours crowd, rough + wastrels stray.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fixing for ever on his chosen page</p> + + <p>In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly</p> + + <p class="i2">The crowded pageant of a passing age.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What an array! How varied a procession!</p> + + <p class="i2">The humours of the parlour, shop, and + street;</p> + + <p>Philistia's every calling, craft, profession,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cockneydom's cheery cheek and patter + fleet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scotch dryness, Irish unction and cajolery,</p> + + <p class="i2">Waiterdom's wiles, Deacondom's pomp of + port;</p> + + <p>Rustic simplicity, domestic drollery,</p> + + <p class="i2">The freaks of Service and the fun of + Sport;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of touch so certain, and of charm so + fresh,</p> + + <p>As to lend dignity to Cabmen railing,</p> + + <p class="i2">To fustianed clods and fogies full of + flesh.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor human humours only; who so tender</p> + + <p class="i2">Of touch when sunny Nature + out-of-doors</p> + + <p>Wooed his deft pencil? Who like him could render</p> + + <p class="i2">Meadow or hedgerow, turnip-field, or + moor?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Snowy perspective, long suburban winding</p> + + <p class="i2">Of bowery road-way, villa-edged and + trim.</p> + + <p>Iron-railed city street, where gas-lamps + blinding</p> + + <p class="i2">Glare through the foggy distance dense + and dim?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All with that broad free force, whose + fascination</p> + + <p class="i2">All felt, and artists most, that + dexterous sleight</p> + + <p>Which gave our land the unchallenged + consummation</p> + + <p class="i2">Of graphic mastery in + Black-and-White.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pleasant to dwell on, and a proud possession,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now the tired hand that shaped that world + is still,</p> + + <p>Leaving an ineffaceable impression</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the age that fired its force and + skill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Honoured abroad as loved at home, how ample,</p> + + <p class="i2">The tribute to that modest spirit + paid!</p> + + <p>To pushing quackery a high example,</p> + + <p class="i2">A calm rebuke to egotist parade!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Frank, loyal, unobtrusive, simple-hearted,</p> + + <p class="i2">Loving his book, his pipe, his song, his + friend,</p> + + <p>Peaceful he lived and peacefully departed,</p> + + <p class="i2">A gentle life-course, with a gracious + end.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Irreparable loss to Art, deep sorrow</p> + + <p class="i2">To those his comrades, who so loved the + man,</p> + + <p>And who had hoped for many a sunny morrow</p> + + <p class="i2">To greet that gallant spirit in the + van.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That tall, spare form, that curl-crowned head, the + knitting</p> + + <p class="i2">Of supple hands behind it as he sat,</p> + + <p>That quaint face-wrinkling smile like sunshine + flitting,</p> + + <p class="i2">The droll, dry comment, the quotation + pat;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The small oft-loaded pipe, of ancient moulding,</p> + + <p class="i2">The brazen box that held the well-loved + weed;</p> + + <p>Who shall forget who once was graced by holding</p> + + <p class="i2">In friendship's clasp the hand now still + indeed?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and + loyal!</p> + + <p class="i2">Few simpler lives our feverish age hath + seen.</p> + + <p>Could pomp high-pinnacled, or trappings royal,</p> + + <p class="i2">Add honour to the memory of CHARLES + KEENE?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34" + id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/34.png" + alt="O'Rip Van Winkle" /></a> + + <h3>GOBLIN TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM THE IRISH EXTRAVAGANZA + OF THE O'RIP VAN WINKLE.</h3><i>Where the Home-Ruler of + Butt's time awakes to find all the would-be dic-taters + suddenly become mere mushrooms.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" + id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + + <h2>THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/35.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Over a series of weeks preceding Christmas, Europe was + disturbed by rumours of a momentous interview reported to have + taken place on the banks of the unsuspecting Bosphorus. One of + the parties to the conference was his Imperial Majesty the + SULTAN. The other was an English Statesman, the trusted + counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and believed in family circles to + be the real author of some of his supreme measures. The + naturally retiring disposition of the Statesman in question, + and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter + concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. + Doubtless the stupendous event—the possible consequences + of which on European affairs Time will work out—would + have remained for ever hidden but for the ruthless action of + "the London Correspondents of various provincial papers, who + gave in their London letters more or less inaccurate reports of + the event." How they came to know anything about it admits of + only one conclusion. <i>The SULTAN must have told them</i>. The + event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind of + record, and, accordingly, the <i>Speaker</i> has been favoured + with a narrative of what took place, the signature disclosing + the fact that the other party to the interview was the SHAH + LEFEVRE.</p> + + <p>The SHAH's account, regarded as a record of a historical + event, is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable + desire for self-effacement which marks this eminent man. We see + anonymous "persons who had access to the SULTAN approaching" + the SHAH, and "suggesting to him that he ought to apply for an + audience." We see him "declining to do so on the ground that, + having taken an active part in the agitation in England on the + subject of the Bulgarian atrocities in 1877, it would not be + right that I should thrust myself on the attention of the + SULTAN." It is generally thought at Stamboul and elsewhere that + Mr. GLADSTONE was chiefly responsible for the memorable + agitation referred to. But the SHAH is not the man to hide the + truth. Also, "I wished to be free to say what I thought about + the condition of Turkey on my return to England." That was only + fair to waiting England. No use the SULTAN trying to "nobble" + this relentless man. So it came to pass that he went to the + Palace, reluctant, but "feeling we could not refuse such a + command from the Sovereign of the country." He talked with + CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI; saw the SULTAN's horse; hung + about for hours; no SULTAN appeared; went back to hotel + quivering under the insult. Had framed telegram ordering the + British Fleet to the Bosphorus, when VAMBÉRY turned up, pale + and trembling; besought the SHAH to do nothing rash; explained + it was all a mistake. This followed up by invitation to dine at + the Palace the following day.</p> + + <p>All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were + "excellent wines, electric lights, and a great display of + plate"; how the SULTAN, concentrating his attention on the + SHAH, and forgetful of poor FREDERICK HARRISON, who had, + somehow, been elbowed into obscurity, paid court to this + powerful personality; how he received him on the daïs, and now + cunningly, though ineffectually, he endeavoured to secure on + the spot the evacuation of Egypt, is told in the SHAH'S + delicious narrative.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>, sharing in the thrilling interest this + disclosure has created throughout the civilised world, has been + anxious to complete the record by supplementing the SHAH's + account of the interview, with the SULTAN's own version. This + was, at the outset, difficult. Obstacles were thrown in the + way, but they were overcome by the pertinacity and ingenuity of + Our Representative, who at last found himself seated with the + SULTAN on the very daïs from which SHAH LEFEVRE had conferred + with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of the forty guests, + "including the Austrian Ambassador," looked on, green with + envy.</p> + + <p>"It's a curious thing," said the SULTAN, laying down a book + he had been reading when Our Representative entered, "that, + when you were announced, I had just come upon a reference by + your great Poet to your still greater Statesman. You know the + line in Lockandkey Hall,—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Oh the dreary, drear LEFEVRE! Oh the barren, + barren SHAW!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"That," Our Representative writes, "is not precisely the + line as I remember it; but I make it a rule never to correct a + SULTAN."</p> + + <p>Accordingly His Majesty proceeded: "And so, my good Cousin, + <i>Mr. Punch</i>, wants to know all about this interview, the + <i>bruit</i> of which has shaken the Universe. His wishes are + commands to me. In the first place, I will tell you (though + this is not for publication), that it was by the merest + accident I had the advantage of knowing your great countryman. + I heard there had come to Constantinople one FREDERICK + HARRISON, head of a sect called the Positivists. I am, you + know, in my way, and within the limits of my kingdom, one of + the most absolute Positivists of the age. I wanted to see the + English apostle, and told them to ask him to dinner. Somehow + things got mixed up, and, at the preliminary morning call, the + SHAH LEFEVRE walked in. Had never heard of him before, but + gathered from CHAKIR PACHA, who had been talking to WAHAN + EFFENDI, who, had seen WOODS PACHA, who had spent an hour with + VAMBÉRY, upon whom SHAH LEFEVRE had called, that the SHAH was + really the mainspring of the Liberal Party in England, + GLADSTONE being merely figure-head, HARCOURT in his pay, and + CHAMBERLAIN suffering in exile under his displeasure. Allah is + Good! Here was a chance thrown into my hands. I forgot all + about FREDERICK HARRISON; told CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI + to entertain the SHAH in the ante-chamber with coffee and + cigarettes, drawing him out on Armenia and Egypt. Meanwhile I + crept under the sofa, and heard every word. The SHAH very stern + about Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour + and half began to get tired under sofa; managed to stick in + WAHAN EFFENDI's Wellington boot a note, on which I had written, + 'Take him to see my horse.' So they went off to stable, and, as + soon as coast was clear, I crept out; shut myself up in room + for rest of day. Heard afterwards that they came back, the SHAH + much impressed with appearance of my horse; resumed + conversation on Armenia and Egypt for another hour; at last got + rid of SHAH.</p> + + <p>"At night VAMBÉRY, disguised as melon-seller, entered Palace + and gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess had been + made of matters. The SHAH really didn't care about seeing the + horse; wanted to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. + 'Better ask him to dinner,' said VAMBÉRY; so despatched Grand + Chamberlain in carriage and six. The SHAH mollified; gave him a + good dinner: plenty of electric lights. Afterwards he was good + enough to see me on the daïs. Tried to get him to promise + alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party towards me; + also wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops from + Egypt, But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. + Not to be drawn. Talk about Eastern statecraft! nothing to you + English, as represented by jour SHAH LEFEVRES. When I pressed + him to come to point about Egypt, he said, 'On this subject I + can only speak my own views. I am not authorised to speak on + behalf of those I am politically associated with, but + personally I am opposed to the occupation of Egypt by English + troops.' There's an answer for you! Your MACHIAVELLIS, your + TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some time, and given + away a dinner all for nothing, except the memory that will ever + rest with me of having been privileged to see this remarkable + man standing on my daïs."</p> + + <p>Here the SULTAN clapped his hands three times, and Our + Representative, being carefully placed in a sack, was dropped + into the Bosphorus, whence he was rescued in time to send off + this despatch for publication in the current Number.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ACCIDENT ON THE ICE.—The other day a gentleman, well + known in the world of Sport and Art, was skating on the + Serpentine, and fell in with a friend. Both were getting on + well when our reporter left.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" + id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + + <h3>Extract from Report of the G.O.M.'s Birthday Speech at + Hawarden:—</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/36-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-1.png" + alt="The G.O.M." /></a><i>G.O.M.</i> (<i>to + himself</i>). "I hope Lawson isn't looking at me." + </div> + + <p>"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that + not infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way + homewards after midnight, sometimes very long after it, from + the House of Commons, I have stopped my course for a moment by + the side of the drinking fountain in Great George Street, + Westminster, when there was nobody to look at me, and have + indulged in the refreshing draught which was there afforded me, + feeling at the same time that I was not performing any action + which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of my + excellent friend whose name is well known to you all—Sir + WILFRID LAWSON."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>I'D BE A CRIMINAL.</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION.</h3> + + <h4>TUNE—<i>I'd be a Butterfly</i>.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd be a criminal, born in a slum,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness + meet;</p> + + <p>For when to the court for my trial I come,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious + and sweet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my + power,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Scientists sage will be slaves at my + feet;</p> + + <p>Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower,</p> + + <p class="i2">And fools in my cause in their thousands + will meet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some hope of escape to my prison to + bring,</p> + + <p>And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy</p> + + <p class="i2">And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, + talk or sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Those I have butchered will get scant attention,</p> + + <p class="i2">Interest's sure to be centred in me.</p> + + <p>Painters will picture me, poets may mention,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beauties discuss me at five o'clock + tea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hypnotists swear I was somebody's + tool;</p> + + <p>And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition</p> + + <p class="i2">Will promptly be signed by each faddist + and fool.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Murder—and good Dr. LIÈGOIS of Nancy</p> + + <p class="i2">Will back you, LABRUYÈRE will help you + away.</p> + + <p>I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy,</p> + + <p class="i2">He is the only true Hero to-day!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>For the Use of Diners-out and other Amateur + Entertainers.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>The Strike in Scotland</i>.—You might suggest, that + were it in Ireland, one might see a <i>rail</i> way out of it, + or rather in it. This jest may be expected to be appreciated by + a parson's wife of the sharper sort. Something ought to be got + out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to the North. Example of + what can be done in this direction:—"People who play with + fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS." + However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may + want your blood before you get to the cigarettes. North Britons + are very jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and + permit no jokes upon the subject. You see, in letting off your + witticism at a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it + <i>was</i> a joke. You might also hint that it was "hard lines" + for the Railway Companies concerned; but this will provoke + gloom rather than gaiety amongst those who have invested in + Caledonians and North British. If you talk about the riots in + connection with the movement, you might say that the pugnacious + rioters remind you of safety matches, "for they not only + strike, but strike on the box!"</p> + + <p><i>The Parnell Negociations in France</i>.—You can say + something about O'BRIEN's invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him + an evening visit on the French coast, reminds you of the once + popular song, "<i>Meet me by Moonlight, Boulogne</i>." If you + are told that "Boulogne" should be "Alone," return, + "Precisely—borrowed a word—Boulogne was a loan." + This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might + suggest that Mr. O'BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, + because even when he was in prison he took an absorbing + interest in <i>the proper adjustment of breeches</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Row at the Post Office</i>.—As the Savings' + Bank Department has for years been the Cinderella of the Civil + Service, this is a subject that will not create much interest; + however, you might possibly extract a pleasantry out of the + name of the present Postmaster-General in connection with the + now-appeased <i>employés</i>. With a little trouble you should + be able to say something quite sparkling about what the + "officers" <i>hoe</i> to <i>Raikes</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa</i>.—Rather a + good subject at a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on + particularly affectionate and intimate terms) are gathered + together. Say you have got to the dessert, and you start the + subject. Observe that it is fortunate that the SULTAN OF TURKEY + is not interested in the matter, or there would be further + trouble of a like character. To the question, "Why?" reply, + taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, "would + it not be a second difficulty with the <i>Porte, you + geese</i>?" To make the jest perfect, connect Turkey in Europe + with the <i>dindon aux marrons</i>, of which you will have just + partaken.</p> + + <p><i>The Weather</i>.—If forced to fall back upon this + venerable subject (which should only be broached in the wilds + of Cornwall, or other equally primitive spots), of course you + can speak of a hard frost being "<i>an ice</i> day for a + hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at it." If the + weather breaks, you may observe, "<i>You thaw so</i>," but not + when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a + deaf old maid. And this, with the other witticisms recorded + above, should carry you (by desire) into the middle of next + week.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A DEADLY KISS.—The Hotch-kiss.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a "Slippered Pantaloon."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/36-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/36-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tax-gatherers molest one's door,</p> + + <p class="i2">The streets are choked with messy + mist;</p> + + <p>I'm the proverbial Bachelor,</p> + + <p class="i2">An old, prosaic Pessimist.</p> + + <p>Yet somehow—who can tell me why?—</p> + + <p class="i2">Urged by the Past's dim Phantom, I'm</p> + + <p>Disposed my cosy Club to fly,</p> + + <p class="i2">And prank it at the Pantomime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Phantom weird of things forgot!</p> + + <p class="i2">My mother, proud of me at her</p> + + <p>Sweet side—our yellow chariot—</p> + + <p class="i2">The long, long drive—the + theatre—</p> + + <p>My fear to miss—my thrill when in—</p> + + <p class="i2">The Fairy Queen, the jolly + King—</p> + + <p>The laughter flung at Harlequin,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Pantaloon arollicking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And sister PRUE, and brother TIM,</p> + + <p class="i2">(I scarcely recollected them),</p> + + <p>Magnificent in gala trim:</p> + + <p class="i2">Dear me, how I respected them!</p> + + <p>I deemed them quite grown up, so bold</p> + + <p class="i2">Seemed they, glared so defiantly:</p> + + <p>Yet they, too, cowered to behold</p> + + <p class="i2">Prone before JACK the Giant lie.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! Where is TIM, where PRUE, alack!</p> + + <p class="i2">Where mother fondly pliant now?</p> + + <p>Where for that matter too is JACK,</p> + + <p class="i2">And where the grisly Giant now?</p> + + <p>In lonely stall, with vacant brow</p> + + <p class="i2">I sit and eye the <i>coryphées</i>:</p> + + <p>In my time they were Fairies; now</p> + + <p class="i2">They seem to me but sorry fays.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The pageantry is twice as grand,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wealth of wealth embarrasses;</p> + + <p>And yet this is not elfinland</p> + + <p class="i2">But great AUGUSTUS HARRIS's.</p> + + <p>The <i>blasé</i> children vote it flat,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Mister Clown cries, "Here's a + go!"</p> + + <p>Yes, there's the box where erst we sat</p> + + <p class="i2">And laughed so, sixty years ago.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The very box: I think, you know,</p> + + <p class="i2">The reason I'm so queer to-night</p> + + <p>Is merely because long ago</p> + + <p class="i2">Here faces were not here to-night.</p> + + <p>I'd best be off—Bless me! no Clown?</p> + + <p class="i2">No Stage?—no Past invidious?</p> + + <p>No Orchestra?—but simply BROWN</p> + + <p class="i2">Snoring the midnight hideous!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No Drury Lane?—no tinsel flare?—</p> + + <p class="i2">No pirouetting Bogeydom?—</p> + + <p>Only a Club, and one who there</p> + + <p class="i2">Forgot in sleep his Fogeydom!</p> + + <p>Welcome my Transformation Scene;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm dull once more, and every</p> + + <p>Old Bachelor like me, I ween,</p> + + <p class="i2">May muse at times his reverie.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., Jan. 17, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12866-h.htm or 12866-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/6/12866/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 17, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: July 9, 2004 [EBook #12866] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 17, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION. + +DRAWING A BADGER.] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S. + +_BEFORE THE EFFIGY OF DR. KOCH, WHO IS REPRESENTED IN THE ACT OF +EXAMINING A TEST-TUBE WITH THE EXPRESSION OF BLAND BLAMELESSNESS +PECULIAR TO WAX MODELS._ + +_Well-informed Visitor_. That's Dr. KOCH, making his great discovery! + +[Illustration] + +_Unscientific V._ What did _he_ discover? + +_Well-inf. V._ Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got it in that +bottle he's holding up. + +_Unsc. V._ And what's the good of it, now he _has_ discovered it? + +_Well-inf. V._ Good? Why, it's the thing that causes _consumption_, +you know! + +_Unsc. V._ Then it's a pity he didn't leave it alone! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING "THE HOME LIFE AT SANDRINGHAM."_ + +_First Old Lady_ (_with Catalogue_). It says here that "the note +the page is handing _may_ have come from Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the +Comptroller of the Royal Household" Fancy _that_! + +_Second Old Lady_. He's brought it in in his fingers. Now _that_'s a +thing I never allow in _my_ house. I always tell SARAH to bring all +letters, and even circulars, in on a tray! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING THE LATE FRED ARCHER, MOUNTED, ON ASCOT +RACE-COURSE._ + +_A. Sportsman_. H'm--ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have backed his mount in +_that_ race! + +_BEFORE "THE LIBRARY AT HAWARDEN."_ + +_Gladstonian Enthusiast_ (_to Friend, who, with the perverse +ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been endeavouring to identify +the Rev. JOHN WESLEY among the Cabinet in Downing Street_). Oh, +never mind all that lot, BETSY; they're only the _Gover'ment_! Here's +dear Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for +something in a drawer of his side-board--ain't that _natural_? And +only look--a lot of people have been leaving Christmas cards on him +(_a pretty and touching tribute of affection, which is eminently +characteristic of a warm-hearted Public_). I wish I'd thought o' +bringing one with me! + +_Her Friend_. So do I. We might send one 'ere by post--but it'll have +to be a New Year Card now! + +_A Strict Old Lady_ (_before next group_). Who are these two? "Mr. +'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in _Faust_," eh? No--I don't care +to stop to see them--that's play-actin', that is--and I don't 'old +with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' of over +here? What--Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING at the High Altar +at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and don't encourage Popery by +looking at such figures. I _did_ 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and +the prambilator somewheres. I _should_ like to see that, now. + +IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY. + +_An Aunt_ (_who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine of useful +information_). Look, BOBBY, dear (_reading_). "Here we have +CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '_Nights of Straparola_,' an Italian +romancist, whose book was translated into French in the year 1585--" + +_Bobby_ (_disappointed_). Oh, then it _isn't_ Puss in Boots! + +_A Genial Grandfather_ (_pausing before "Crusoe and Friday"_). Well, +PERCY, my boy, you know who _that_ is, at all events--eh? + +_Percy_. I suppose it is STANLEY--but it's not very like. + +_The G.G._ STANLEY!--Why, bless my soul, never heard of _Robinson +Crusoe_ and his man _Friday_? + +_Percy_. Oh, I've _heard_ of them, of course--they come in +Pantomimes--but I like more grown-up sort of books myself, you know. +Is this girl asleep _She_? + +_The G.G._ No--at least--well, I expect it's "_The Sleeping Beauty_." +You remember her, of course--all about the ball, and the glass +slipper, and her father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the +palace, eh? + +_Percy_. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time for general +reading than we get. (_He looks through a practicable cottage +window._) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not badly stuffed! + +_The G.G._ Why that must be "_Old Mother Hubbard_." (_Quoting from +memory._) "Old Mother Hubbard sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas +pie--or a _bone_ was it?" + +_Percy_. Don't know. It's not in _Selections from British Poetry_, +which we have to get up for "rep." + +_The Aunt_ (_reading from Catalogue_). "The absurd ambulations of +this antique person, and the equally absurd antics of her dog, need no +recapitulation." Here's "_Jack the Giant Killer_" next. Listen, BOBBY, +to what it says about him here. (_Reads._) "It is clearly the last +transmutation of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, +of CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when +he first settled in Britain. But more than this"--I hope you're +listening, BOBBY?--"_more_ than this, it is quite evident, even to +the superficial student of Greek mythology, that many of the main +incidents and ornaments are borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and +HOMER." Think of that, now! + + [_BOBBY thinks of it, with depression._ + +_The G.G._ (_before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling new lamps for +old_). Here you are, you see! "_Ali Baba_," got 'em all here, you see. +Never read your "_Arabian Nights_," either! Is that the way they bring +up boys nowadays! + +_Percy_. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a fellow +reads that kind of thing when he's _young_, he doesn't get a chance +afterwards. + +_The Aunt_ (_still quoting_). "In the famous work," BOBBY, "by which +we know MASUDI, he mentions the Persian Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,--nor +have commentators failed to notice that the occasion of the book +written for the Princess HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew +Bible about ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two +or three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew _that_ before!... This is +"_Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea_"--let's see what they say about +_him_. (_Reads._) "Both the story of _Sindbad_ and the old Basque +legend of Tartaro are undoubtedly borrowed from the _Odyssey_ of +HOMER, whose _Iliad_ and _Odyssey_ were translated into Syriac in +the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how interesting, now! +and, BOBBY, what _do_ you think someone says about "_Jack and the +Beanstalk_"? He says--"this tale is an allegory of the Teutonic +Al-fader, the red hen representing the all-producing sun: the +moneybags, the fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm +sure it seems likely enough, doesn't it? + + [_BOBBY suppresses a yawn; PERCY's feelings are outraged by + receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; general move to + the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy._ + +_BEFORE THE HAMPSTEAD TABLEAUX._ + +_Spectators_. Dear, dear, there's the _dresser_, you see, and the +window, broken and all; it's wonderful how they can _do_ it! And +there's poor Mrs. 'OGG--it's real butter and a real loaf she's +cutting, and the poor baby, too!... Here's the actual casts taken +after they were murdered. Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling +the perambulator--it's the _very_ perambulator! No, not the very +one--they've got _that_ at the other place, and the piece of toffee +the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, we _must_ try and go there, +too, before the children's holidays are over. And this is all? Well, +well, everything very nice, I _will_ say. But a pity they couldn't get +the _real_ perambulator! + + * * * * * + +BURNS VERSUS BURNS. + +A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE--"_PUSH ABOUT THE JORUM!_" + +[Illustration] + + "Oh, let us not like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided; + Till slap comes in an uncoo loon + And with a rung decide it. + Be Britain still to Britain true, + Among oursels united; + For never but by British hands + Maun British wrongs be righted!" + + ROBERT BURNS's "_Dumfries Volunteers_." + +_Shade of_ BURNS, _loquitur_:-- + + O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS, + My namesake--in a fashion, + You do my Scots the warst o' turns + Sae stirrin' up their passion. + Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks? + Or frae the County Council? + Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks; + We take your brag and bounce ill! + Fal de ral, &c. + + Does Cockneydom invasion threat? + Then let the louns beware, Sir! + Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet, + And for hersel' can fare, Sir. + The Thames shall run to join the Tweed, + Criffel adorn Thames valley, + 'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed + On Scottish ground shall rally. + Fal de ral, &c. + + A man's a man for a' that, JOHN, + And ane's as good as tither; + But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN, + That mutinies in bad weather. + Nae flouts to "honest industry" + Shall fa' frae the Exciseman; + But ane who blaws up strife like this, + Wisdom deems not a wise man. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Scot business may be out o' tune, + True harmony may fail in't, + But deil a cockney tinkler loon + We need to rant and rail in't. + Our fathers on occasion fought, + And so can we, if needed; + But windy words with frenzy fraught + Sound Scots should pass unheeded. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Let toilers not, like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided, + Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes, + Steps in, and we're derided. + Be Scotland still to Scotland true, + Amang oursels united; + 'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you + Our wrangs shall best be righted. + Fal de ral, &c. + + The knave who'd crush the toilers doun, + And him, his true-born brither, + Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown, + Should be kicked out together. + Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen! + Scots cherish throne and steeple, + But while we sing "_God save the Queen_," + _We_ won't forget the People. + Fal de ral, &c. + + * * * * * + +A LENGTHY NOVEL.--_A Thousand Lines of Her Own_, in 3000 vols., by the +Authoress of _A Line of Her Own_, in 3 vols. N.B.--What a long line +this must be to occupy three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_Small Stranger_ (_to Master of the house_). "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS +OPENS THE DOOR _WILL_ GIVE IT YER, IF YER RING _THAT_ BELL!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC GOSSIP. + +During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, _Ivanhoe_, +a grave objection to the subject occurred to him, which was, that +one of the chief personages in the _dramatis personae_ must be +"Gilbert"--i.e., _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert_. True, that _Sir Brian_ +is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous +disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he couldn't +change the character's name to _Sir Brian de Bois-Sullivan_, and Mr. +D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his name to appear in the bill except +as Lessee. "I can't put him in simply as _Sir Brian_," said the +puzzled Composer, "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my +librettist will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But +the name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," objected +D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out of a hundred," +answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, persistently, "it isn't +spelt the same." "No," replied Sir ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; +there's 'u' and 'i' in it; we're both mixed up with this _Guilbert_." +Fortunately, the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as +a memento of the happy termination to the temporary misunderstanding, +Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, designed to call the character +"_Sir Brian de Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan_." Whether the mysterious +librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the public +ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or not, it is +now pretty certain that there will be no departure from the great +novelist's original nomenclature. + + * * * * * + +A BREACH OF VERACITY.--According to the papers, the Chief Secretary's +Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of clothing designed for the +poor in the West of Ireland, sent in response to the request of Lord +ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. We understand there is no truth in the +report, that amongst the first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. +O'BRIEN's br--s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go to +prison again, he had no further use for the article. + + * * * * * + +NEW IRISH DRINK.--The Parnellite "Split." + + * * * * * + +A REMINISCENCE OF C.K. + +The excellent article in the _Times_ on the 6th inst. upon CHARLES +KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the _P.M.G._ of a day +earlier performed his self-imposed task with a judicious and loving +hand, and, as far as I can judge, his account of our lamented +colleague seems to be correct. As to our CARLO's Mastership in his +Black-and-White Art, there can be but one opinion among Artists. Those +who possess the whole of the _Once a Week_ series will there find +admirable specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most +striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I remember a +story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An artistic friend was in +KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, pipe in mouth, of course. "I +can't understand," said his friend, "how you produce that effect of +distance in so small a picture." "O--um--easy enough," replied KEENE. +"Look here,"--and--_he did it_. But when and how he gave _the_ touch +which made the effect, his friend, following his work closely, was +unable to discover. F.C.B. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--There is always something fresh coming out at +Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond Street. Their latest +novelty is the result of a caravan tour from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend +upon it, he found it very nice!" said Young PAR, regardless of +propriety and pronunciation) by Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS +utilised such an expedition from a literary point of view in his +inimitable "_Cruise upon Wheels_," and this young artist has +turned similar wanderings to good artistic account. His _cartes de +visite_--no, I beg pardon, his _caravans de visite_--are numerous and +varied. Verily, my brethren, all is caravanity! Not altogether, for +Mr. SAINTON, in addition to returning with his caravan and himself, +has brought back an interesting collection of original and delicate +works in oil and silver-point--in short, taken every caravantage of +his special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"--Twenty-three American ships, 118 +guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, 1,229 men; and seven +German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 men--all in "Pacific" waters! Looks +like Pacific, doesn't it? + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XI.--THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE. + +BY READER FAGHARD, AUTHOR OF "QUEEN BATHSHEBA'S EWERS," "YAWN," +"GUESS," "ME," "MY MA'S AT PENGE," "SMALLUN HALFBOY," "GENERAL +PORRIDGE, D.T.," "ME A KISS," "THE HEMISPHERE'S WISH," &C., &C. + + [In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of this + novel, the Author gives a description of his literary method. + We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been accused of + plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is ridiculous. Nature + is the great plagiarist, the sucker of the brains of authors. + There is no situation, however romantic or grotesque, which + Nature does not sooner or later appropriate. Therefore the + more natural an author is, the more liable is he to envious + accusations of plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in + an absence of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially + humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied + at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South + African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, '_Ars + Langa Rider brevis_,' and a very good motto too. I like + writing in couples. Personally I could never have bothered + myself to learn up all these quaint myths and literary fairy + tales, but LANG likes it."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration: "Then a strange thing happened."] + +My name is SMALLUN HALFBOY, a curious name for an old fellow like +me, who have been battered and knocked about all over the world from +Yorkshire to South Africa. I'm not much of a hand at writing, but, +bless your heart, I know the _Bab Ballads_ by heart, and I can tell +you it's no end of a joke quoting them everywhere, especially when +you quote out of an entirely different book. I am not a brave man, but +nobody ever was a surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever +killed more Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But +I do love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, with +gashes and slashes and lopped heads and arms and legs rolling about +everywhere. Black blood is the best variety; I mean the blood of black +men, because nobody really cares twopence about them, and you can +massacre several thousands of them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no +single soul. And, after all, I am not certain that black men have any +souls, so that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the +_Bab Ballads_. + +CHAPTER II. + +I was staying with my old friend Sir HENRY HURTUS last winter at +his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting all day with +indifferent results, and were returning home fagged and weary with our +rifles over our shoulders. I ought to have mentioned that COODENT--of +course, you remember Captain COODENT, R.N.--was of the party. Ever +since he had found his legs so much admired by an appreciative public, +he had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to show them. This, +however, was not done from vanity, I think, but rather from a high +sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to be born with +personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any sense of false +modesty from gratifying the reading public by their display. Lord, how +we had laughed to see him struggling through the clinging brambles +in Sir HENRY's coverts with his eye-glass in his eye and his Express +at the trail. At every step his unfortunate legs had been more and +more torn, until there was literally not a scrap of sound skin upon +them anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had roared when old +VELVETEENS the second keeper had brought up to poor COODENT a lump of +flesh from his right leg, which he had found sticking on a thorn-bush +in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly Sir HENRY stopped and +shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously. We all imitated him, though +for my part, not being a sportsman, I had no notion what was up. +"What's the time of day, Sir HENRY?" I ventured to whisper. Sir HENRY +never looked at me, but took out his massive gold Winchester repeater +and consulted it in a low voice. "Four thirty," I heard him say, "they +are about due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. +"Duck, duck!" shouted Sir HENRY, now thoroughly aroused. I immediately +did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not know what might be +coming, and I am a very timid man. At that moment I heard a joint +report from Sir HENRY and COODENT. It gave on the whole a very +favourable view of the situation, and by its light I saw six fine +mallard, four teal and three widgeon come hurtling down, as dead as so +many door-nails, and much heavier on the top of my prostrate body. + +When I recovered Sir HENRY was bending over me and pouring brandy down +my throat. COODENT was sitting on the ground binding up his legs. "My +dear old friend," said Sir HENRY, in his kindest tone, "this Yorkshire +is too dangerous. My mind is made up. This very night we all start for +Mariannakookaland. There at least our lives will be safe." + +CHAPTER III. + +We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a month travelling +on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the scorching African sun +which all but burnt us in our _treks_. Our _Veldt_ slippers were worn +out, and our pace was consequently reduced to the merest _Kraal_. At +rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had seen Stars and +heard of Echoes, but now not a single _Kopje_ was left, and we were +trudging along mournfully with our blistered _tongas_ protruding from +our mouths. + +Suddenly Sir HENRY spoke--"SMALLUN, my old friend," he said, "do you +see anything in the distance?" + +I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see nothing +but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir HENRY. I swept the distance +with my glance. It was a sandy, arid distance, and, naturally enough, +a small cloud of dust appeared. Then a strange thing happened. The +cloud grew and grew. It came rolling towards us with an unearthly +noise. Then it seemed to be cleft in two, as by lightning, +and from its centre came marching towards us a mighty army of +Amazonian warriors, in battle-array, chanting the war-song of the +Mariannakookas. I must confess that my first instinct was to fly, my +second to run, my third, and best, to remain rooted to the spot. When +the army came within ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by magic, +and a stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the +Commander-in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore an +immense native jelibag, tricked out with feathers; her breast was +encased in a huge silver _tureene_. Her waist was encircled with +a broad girdle, in which were stuck all manner of deadly arms, +_stuhpans, sorspans, spihts_, and _deeshecloutz_. In her left hand she +carried a deadly-looking _kaster_, while in her right she brandished a +massive _rolinpin_, a frightful weapon, which produces internal wounds +of the most awful kind. Her regiments were similarly armed, save that, +in their case, the breast-covering was made of inferior metal, and +they wore no feathers in their head-dress. The Commander held up her +hand. Instantly the war-song ceased. Then the Commander addressed +us, and her voice sounded like the song of them that address the +_butchaboys_ in the morning. And this was the _torque_ she hurled at +us,-- + +CHAPTER IV. + +"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am She-who-will-never-Obey, the +Queen of the Mariannakookas. I rule above, and in nether regions, +where there is Eternal Fire. Behold my Word goes forth, and the Ovens +are made hot, and the _Kee-chen-boi-lars_ are filled with Water. Over +me no Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save +only the _Weeklibuks_; them I keep not down, for they delight me. And +the land over which I reign is made glad with fat and much stored +up _Dripn_. Who are ye, and what seek ye here? Speak ere it be too +late!" And as she ceased the whole army broke forth into a chorus, +"She-who-will-never-Obey has spoken! The Word is gone forth! Speak, +speak!" I confess I was alarmed, and my fears were not diminished +when two of the _Skulrimehds_ (a sort of native camp-follower) came +up to COODENT and me, and actually began to make love to us in the +most forward manner. But Sir HENRY maintained his calm demeanour. +"She-who-will-never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful traders. We +bring no Commission--" how his sentence would have ended will never +be known. Certain it is that what he said roused the Amazons to a +frenzy of passion. They yelled and danced round us. "He who brings no +Commission must die!" they shouted; and in a moment we found ourselves +bound tightly hand-and-foot, and marching as prisoners of war in the +centre of the Mariannakookaland army. + +CHAPTER V. + +It is unnecessary to go through the details of our marvellous escape +from the lowest dungeon of the royal Palace of SURVAN TSAUL, where for +months we were immured on a constant diet of suet pudding. Of course +we did escape, but only after killing ten thousand Mariannakookas, +and then swimming for a mile in their blood. COODENT brought with him +a very pretty _Skulrimehd_ who had grown attached to him, but she +drooped and pined away after he lost his false teeth in crossing a +river, and tried to replace them with orange-peel, a trick he had +learnt at school. Sir HENRY's fight with She-who-will-never-Obey is +still remembered. He will carry the marks of her nails on his cheeks +to his grave. I myself am tired of wandering. "_Home, Sweet Home_," as +the _Bab Ballads_ have it, is the place for me. + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT. + +(_BY OUR OWN RECITER._) + +[Illustration] + + I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our town. + We laughed enough the opening night to bring the theatre down. + The piece was _Burleybumbo_, _the Old Giant, and his Men_; + _Fairy Starlight, Little Popsey, and the Demon of the Glen_. + The Supers were collected from the local talent round, + And for _Burleybumbo's_ servant the Blacksmith, JOHN, they found; + A stalwart varlet was required to carry off his foes + To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he chose. + His minions, who wore hideous masks, had nothing much to say, + So an IRVING was not wanted to do their part of the play. + On this eventful night the house was packed from roof to pit, + And the Manager was jubilant at having made a hit. + The Curtain drawing slowly up, revealed a flowery glade, + In which the _Fairy Starlight_ and her lovely maidens played. + The wicked Demon then came on, and round the stage did glower; + No mortal man could e'er withstand his wrath or evil power. + Last of all came _Burleybumbo_ with his crew, a motley horde, + Our old friend, Blacksmith JOHN, was in attendance on his lord. + They were singing and carousing, when a man rushed in to say + That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down that way. + The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes that they might plunder + The unsuspecting wayfarers. Alas! now came the blunder: + Old JOHN he wouldn't hide himself, but coolly walked about + Advancing to the footlights, he looked around--but hark! a shout:-- + "Confound you! Dash my--! Just come off! Hi, you! Who are you? JOHN!" + "Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I've only just come on!" + Thus saying, he lumbered round the stage. The Prompter's heart had sunk: + No doubt about the matter--_Burleybumbo's_ man is drunk! + "Come off! Come off!" from every wing was now the angry cry. + "Me off, indeed! Oh, would yer? Sh'like to see the feller try!" + _Burleybumbo_ then appeared, and vainly tried to drag him back. + JOHN stove his pasteboard head in with a most refreshing crack. + The wicked Demon now rushed on; his supernatural might + Was very little use to him on this surprising night. + He tried to push him down the glade, but here again JOHN sold him; + He caught the Demon round the waist, and at the Prompter bowled him. + Ah! such a shindy ne'er was seen, such riot and such rage-- + It was the finest "rally" ever seen on any stage! + 'Mid shrieks and cat-calls, whistles shrill, hysterics and guffaws, + They rang the Curtain down amidst uproarious applause. + The piece is still a great success; but, I regret to say, + JOHN's name appears no longer in the bills of that fine play! + + * * * * * + +NOT INSIDE OUT. + + Fair Maiden, you're looking a vision of beauty, + You may comfort yourself you've no rival to fear; + But you won't take it ill if I feel it my duty + To whisper a word of advice in your ear. + + Now, the word would be this--when the daylight is dawning, + Or, at any rate, when it's more early than late, + Pray remember the coachman, who, fitfully yawning + Outside in the street, finds it weary to wait. + + You reck not at all of the hours that are fleeting, + You ask for an "extra"--you can't be denied. + But though, doubtless, soft nothings may set your heart beating, + Yet they're awfully cold for the people outside. + + Want of thought, not of heart, is the reason as ever, + So if you find leisure to read through this rhyme, + When you order your carriage, in future endeavour + To prevent any waiting--by being in time, + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Publisher of _The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine_, earnestly +requests the reviewer, appealing to his heart in the reddest of red +ink, on a slip of paper pasted on to the cover of the Magazine, not +to extract and quote more than one column of "Talleyrand's Memoirs," +which appear in this number for January. The Publisher of the +_C.I.M.M._ does not appeal personally to the Baron--who is now +the last, bar one, of the Barons, and that bar one is one at the +Bar,--but, for all that, the Baron hereby and hereon takes his +solummest Half-a-Davey or his entire Davey, that he will not write, +engrave, or represent, or cause to be, &c, for purposes of quotation, +one single word, much less line, of _Tallyho_--beg pardon, of +_Talleyrand_,--extracts from whose memoirs are now appearing in the +aforesaid _C.I.M.M._ But all he will say at present is this, that, +if the secret and private Memoirs haven't got in them anything more +thrilling or startling, or out of the merest common-place, than +appears in this number of the _C.I.M.M._, then the Baron will say that +he would prefer reading such contributions as M. de BLOWITZ's story of +"How he became a Special," or _The Pigmies of the African Forest_ by +HENRY M. STANLEY in the same number of this Mag. + +[Illustration] + +What the Baron dearly loves is, ELLIOT STOCK-IN-TRADE _The Book-worm_, +always most interesting to Book-worms, and almost as interesting to +Book-grubs or Book-butterflies. By the way, the publishing office of +_The Book-worm_ ought to be in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is +_The Book-worm_ an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in +the Old Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is +shown from a modern instance, well and wisely commented upon in this +very number for January, No. 38, which is excellent food for worms; +the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of Worms. Success to +the _Book-worm_! May it grow to double the size, and be a glow-worm, +to enlighten us in the bye-paths of literature. "_Prosit!_" says the +Baron. + +I would that some one would write of BROWNING's work as HENRY VAN DYKE +has written of TENNYSON's. To the superficial and cursory reader of +the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the fire on a winter's night, the +wind howling over the sea, and the snow drifting against the window, +and being chucked in handfuls down the chimney, and frizzling on the +fire, says, get this book, published by ELKIN MATHEWS: _ca donne +a penser_, and this is its great merit. "Come into the Garden, +Maud"--no, thank you, not to-night; but give me my shepherd's pipe, +with the fragrant bird's-eye in it, with [Greek: ton grogon], while I +sit by the cheerful fire, in the best of good company--my books. + +Our Mr. GRIFFITHES (CHESTER, MAYHEW, BROOME, AND GRIFFITHES) has been +all the way _From Bedford Row to Swazieland_, and has written a lively +narrative of his perilous journey. He went on a professional retainer. +You don't catch Bedford Row in Swazieland on other terms. Being there, +he kept his eyes open, saw a good deal, and describes his impressions +in racy fashion. He did not like the coffee served _en route_, and +was disappointed with the Southern Cross; but on the whole enjoyed +the trip. One would naturally expect that the price of his book would +be six-and-eight-pence, or, regarding it in the form of a letter, +three-and-fourpence, but BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. issue it at a +shilling. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Our Artist_. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PORTRAITS, MISS BUNNY? THE +SITTERS ARE ALL OLD FRIENDS OF YOURS, I BELIEVE?" + +_Miss Bunny_ (_triumphantly_). "YES; AND, ONLY THINK, I'VE ACTUALLY +MANAGED TO GUESS THEM ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +ARBITRATION. + + _Seal, suddenly emerging, loquitur_:-- + + Belay, you two lubbers, avast there! avast there! + What signifies squalling and squabbling? + You're both argufying a good bit too fast there, + Whilst that which you stand on seems wobbling. + You'll be in a mess, Messmates, shortly, the pair of you. + Give _me_ a thought in the matter! + _My_ interest's at stake, and it isn't quite fair of you + Me to ignore 'midst your clatter. + + If 'twere not for me, Mates, this cold Behring's Sea, Mates, + Would hardly strike you as so tempting. + Do grant your poor prey, if I may make so free, Mates, + From slaughter some annual exempting! + I'm worried and walloped without intermission + Until even family duties + Quite fail, whilst your countrymen cudgel and fish on. + By Jingo, some of 'em are beauties! + + My poor wife and children have not half a chance, Mates. + That's not to your interest, I reckon. + Cease shindy, and on a new course make advance, Mates, + Where sense and humanity beckon. + There's not much of either in cruelly clubbing + My progeny all out of season; + And if you are bent upon mutual drubbing, + You must quite have parted with reason. + + _Mare clausum_, be blowed! That's all BLAINE's big bow-wow, Mates. + Men can't thus monopolise oceans. + Diplomacy _must_ find a compromise now, Mates, + And, well--I have told you _my_ notions. + Give me a close-time,--I shall be very grateful-- + And leave the Sea open! What more, Mates? + For brothers like you to be huffing, is hateful. + Be friends, think of me, and--_bong swor_, Mates! + + [_Dives under._ + + * * * * * + +UP-TO-TIME TABLE, FROM THE NORTH. + + | Morning | Mineral | General |Traffic and| + | Fast. |and Parl.| Express.|Even. Mail.| +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ +Edinburgh \ |7 A.M. to|11 A.M. A| Noon F | 9 P.M. L | +(Waverley Station)/ | 9.30 | | | | +Carlisle | 12.15 | ... | ... | ... | +Hawick | 4.30 | B | ... | ... | +Galashiels | 9.45 | ... | 2.15 G | 1 A.M. M | + / | 1 P.M. | | | | +Motherwell < |(Stopped | 4 P.M. C| 3.19 H | 3.20 N | + \ |by riot) | | | | +St. Margaret's Works | 3.30 | 5 D | ... | ... | +Perth |9.45 A.M.| ... | 11.26 I | ... | +Glasgow |12.30P.M.| ... | ... | ... | +Aberfeldy | 6.13 | ... | ... | ... | +Dundee |1.12 A.M.|3A.M.to 9| ... | ... | +Inverness | 9.23 | ... | 3.5 J | ... | +Aberdeen | 11.6 |7 P.M.? E|1 A.M. K | O | +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ + +A--Takes delayed pig-iron and third-class passengers. B--Half of +train stops here through breaking an axle-pin. C--Passengers, for +protection, get under seats of carriages. D--Stops for repairs. +E--Having had a collision at the junction for Aberfeldy, will come on, +if there are any passengers equal to finishing the journey. + +F--Starts under the management of a Director, and, owing to a +misunderstanding, dashes off to Aberdeen, without stopping. G--Doesn't +stop, but knocks over a station-master. H--Is pelted as it tears +through the station by _ex-employes_. I--Knocks over another +station-master. J--Meets a pilot-engine, which it splits in half. +K--Goes at full speed through the end of the terminus, depositing the +passengers in a heap in the middle of the town. + +L--Train starts, made up of horse-boxes and luggage-vans full of three +weeks' arrears of parcels, first-class carriages, Post-office van, +fifty coal-trucks, and a wild beast show, the Directors wishing +to make up for lost time. M--Train breaking down here, mail and +passengers only forwarded. N--Train attacked by rioters. Pitched +battle with the passengers. O--Telegram from Motherwell saying, that +owing to police intervention, train starts the day after to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARBITRATION. + +THE SEAL. "BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!--AVAST QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A +'CLOSE-TIME,' AND LEAVE THE 'SEA' AN OPEN QUESTION."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING! + +_Fair New-Englander_ (_spending the Winter in the Old Country_). "OH, +WHAT A LOVE! AND IS IT THE FIRST YOU HAVE SHOT THIS YEAR, CAPTAIN +RASPER?"] + + * * * * * + +TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE. + +(_A DRAMA FOUNDED--MORE OR LESS--UPON FACTS._) + + ACT I.--"PAST."--_Interior of the Savings Bank Department of + the G.P.O. Employes engaged upon their work. The hour for + customary cessation of labour strikes._ + +_Official of a Higher Grade_. Officers and Gentlemen, the exigencies +of the Public Service require your presence for some time longer. I +beg you to continue your work. + +_A Hundred Employes_. Never! (_Aside._) Ha! ha! the employment of +Female Clerks is avenged! + +_Off._ (_almost in tears_). Reconsider your decision, I beg--I +implore! + +_Another Hundred Employes_. Never! (_Aside._) Seven hours a day and no +longer--shall be secured at one fell swoop! + +_Off._ (_with indescribable emotion_). Oh, my country! Oh, my Savings +Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the Civil Service! + + [_Faints in the arms of faithful Employes, whilst the other + Clerks defiantly depart. Tableau._ + + ACT II.--"PRESENT."--_Magnificent apartments of the + P.-M.-Gen. in the G.P.O. Deputation of contrite Employes + listening to the eloquent speech of their Official Chief._ + +_P.M.G._ (_in effect_). I am delighted that you are such good fellows. +Your conduct in owning that you were wrong in refusing to work after +regular official hours, almost effaces a painful page in the history +of St. Martin's-le-Grand. Let it be clearly understood that extra work +is _not_ compulsory, _but_, if _not_ undertaken, may lead (as in the +present instance) to immediate suspension, if not dismissal. Surely +no one can object to that? (_Contrite Officials express mournful +approval._) And now good-bye, and A Happy New Year. As for the +future--hope, my good friends, hope! + + [_Exeunt the contrite Employes, leaving the Officials of a + Higher Grade agitating the nerves controlling their eyelids + spasmodically._ + + ACT III.--"FUTURE."--_Same Scene as Act I. Venerable Employes + discovered, after twenty years' further service._ + +_First Venerable Employe_. Remember the words spoken a score of +winters ago--Hope, brother, hope! + +_Second Venerable Employe_. Yes--Hope, brother, hope! + + [_As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are left + continuing the self-sustaining, but rather profitless + employment, indefinitely. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +_A Son of the Pool_. By the Author of _A Daughter of the Pyramids_. + + * * * * * + +CHARLES KEENE + +BORN AUGUST 10, 1823. DIED JANUARY 4, 1891. + + What words avail to honour friends departed, + Gone from the gatherings which so long they graced? + What phrase seems fit when comrades loyal-hearted + Mourn a loved presence late by death displaced? + + No formal elegiacs fashioned coldly, + Beseem the memory of that manly soul, + Whose simple, downright spirit trod so boldly + Life's most sequestered ways from start to goal. + + Not rank's trim pleasaunce, nor parades of fashion + Tempted his genius; his the great highway + Where, free from courtly pride and modish passion, + Toil tramps, free humours crowd, rough wastrels stray. + + Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly, + Fixing for ever on his chosen page + In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly + The crowded pageant of a passing age. + + What an array! How varied a procession! + The humours of the parlour, shop, and street; + Philistia's every calling, craft, profession, + Cockneydom's cheery cheek and patter fleet. + + Scotch dryness, Irish unction and cajolery, + Waiterdom's wiles, Deacondom's pomp of port; + Rustic simplicity, domestic drollery, + The freaks of Service and the fun of Sport; + + And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing, + Of touch so certain, and of charm so fresh, + As to lend dignity to Cabmen railing, + To fustianed clods and fogies full of flesh. + + Nor human humours only; who so tender + Of touch when sunny Nature out-of-doors + Wooed his deft pencil? Who like him could render + Meadow or hedgerow, turnip-field, or moor? + + Snowy perspective, long suburban winding + Of bowery road-way, villa-edged and trim. + Iron-railed city street, where gas-lamps blinding + Glare through the foggy distance dense and dim? + + All with that broad free force, whose fascination + All felt, and artists most, that dexterous sleight + Which gave our land the unchallenged consummation + Of graphic mastery in Black-and-White. + + Pleasant to dwell on, and a proud possession, + Now the tired hand that shaped that world is still, + Leaving an ineffaceable impression + Upon the age that fired its force and skill. + + Honoured abroad as loved at home, how ample, + The tribute to that modest spirit paid! + To pushing quackery a high example, + A calm rebuke to egotist parade! + + Frank, loyal, unobtrusive, simple-hearted, + Loving his book, his pipe, his song, his friend, + Peaceful he lived and peacefully departed, + A gentle life-course, with a gracious end. + + Irreparable loss to Art, deep sorrow + To those his comrades, who so loved the man, + And who had hoped for many a sunny morrow + To greet that gallant spirit in the van. + + That tall, spare form, that curl-crowned head, the knitting + Of supple hands behind it as he sat, + That quaint face-wrinkling smile like sunshine flitting, + The droll, dry comment, the quotation pat; + + The small oft-loaded pipe, of ancient moulding, + The brazen box that held the well-loved weed; + Who shall forget who once was graced by holding + In friendship's clasp the hand now still indeed? + + Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and loyal! + Few simpler lives our feverish age hath seen. + Could pomp high-pinnacled, or trappings royal, + Add honour to the memory of CHARLES KEENE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOBLIN TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM THE IRISH EXTRAVAGANZA +OF THE O'RIP VAN WINKLE. + +_Where the Home-Ruler of Butt's time awakes to find all the would-be +dic-taters suddenly become mere mushrooms._] + + * * * * * + +THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN. + +[Illustration] + +Over a series of weeks preceding Christmas, Europe was disturbed by +rumours of a momentous interview reported to have taken place on +the banks of the unsuspecting Bosphorus. One of the parties to the +conference was his Imperial Majesty the SULTAN. The other was an +English Statesman, the trusted counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and +believed in family circles to be the real author of some of his +supreme measures. The naturally retiring disposition of the Statesman +in question, and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter +concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. +Doubtless the stupendous event--the possible consequences of which +on European affairs Time will work out--would have remained for ever +hidden but for the ruthless action of "the London Correspondents of +various provincial papers, who gave in their London letters more or +less inaccurate reports of the event." How they came to know anything +about it admits of only one conclusion. _The SULTAN must have told +them_. The event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind +of record, and, accordingly, the _Speaker_ has been favoured with a +narrative of what took place, the signature disclosing the fact that +the other party to the interview was the SHAH LEFEVRE. + +The SHAH's account, regarded as a record of a historical event, +is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable desire for +self-effacement which marks this eminent man. We see anonymous +"persons who had access to the SULTAN approaching" the SHAH, and +"suggesting to him that he ought to apply for an audience." We see him +"declining to do so on the ground that, having taken an active part in +the agitation in England on the subject of the Bulgarian atrocities +in 1877, it would not be right that I should thrust myself on the +attention of the SULTAN." It is generally thought at Stamboul and +elsewhere that Mr. GLADSTONE was chiefly responsible for the memorable +agitation referred to. But the SHAH is not the man to hide the truth. +Also, "I wished to be free to say what I thought about the condition +of Turkey on my return to England." That was only fair to waiting +England. No use the SULTAN trying to "nobble" this relentless man. So +it came to pass that he went to the Palace, reluctant, but "feeling we +could not refuse such a command from the Sovereign of the country." +He talked with CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI; saw the SULTAN's horse; +hung about for hours; no SULTAN appeared; went back to hotel quivering +under the insult. Had framed telegram ordering the British Fleet to +the Bosphorus, when VAMBERY turned up, pale and trembling; besought +the SHAH to do nothing rash; explained it was all a mistake. This +followed up by invitation to dine at the Palace the following day. + +All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were "excellent +wines, electric lights, and a great display of plate"; how the +SULTAN, concentrating his attention on the SHAH, and forgetful of poor +FREDERICK HARRISON, who had, somehow, been elbowed into obscurity, +paid court to this powerful personality; how he received him on the +dais, and now cunningly, though ineffectually, he endeavoured to +secure on the spot the evacuation of Egypt, is told in the SHAH'S +delicious narrative. + +_Mr. Punch_, sharing in the thrilling interest this disclosure has +created throughout the civilised world, has been anxious to complete +the record by supplementing the SHAH's account of the interview, +with the SULTAN's own version. This was, at the outset, difficult. +Obstacles were thrown in the way, but they were overcome by the +pertinacity and ingenuity of Our Representative, who at last found +himself seated with the SULTAN on the very dais from which SHAH +LEFEVRE had conferred with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of the +forty guests, "including the Austrian Ambassador," looked on, green +with envy. + +"It's a curious thing," said the SULTAN, laying down a book he had +been reading when Our Representative entered, "that, when you were +announced, I had just come upon a reference by your great Poet to your +still greater Statesman. You know the line in Lockandkey Hall,-- + + "'Oh the dreary, drear LEFEVRE! Oh the barren, barren SHAW!'" + +"That," Our Representative writes, "is not precisely the line as I +remember it; but I make it a rule never to correct a SULTAN." + +Accordingly His Majesty proceeded: "And so, my good Cousin, _Mr. +Punch_, wants to know all about this interview, the _bruit_ of which +has shaken the Universe. His wishes are commands to me. In the first +place, I will tell you (though this is not for publication), that it +was by the merest accident I had the advantage of knowing your great +countryman. I heard there had come to Constantinople one FREDERICK +HARRISON, head of a sect called the Positivists. I am, you know, in +my way, and within the limits of my kingdom, one of the most absolute +Positivists of the age. I wanted to see the English apostle, and told +them to ask him to dinner. Somehow things got mixed up, and, at the +preliminary morning call, the SHAH LEFEVRE walked in. Had never heard +of him before, but gathered from CHAKIR PACHA, who had been talking to +WAHAN EFFENDI, who, had seen WOODS PACHA, who had spent an hour with +VAMBERY, upon whom SHAH LEFEVRE had called, that the SHAH was really +the mainspring of the Liberal Party in England, GLADSTONE being merely +figure-head, HARCOURT in his pay, and CHAMBERLAIN suffering in exile +under his displeasure. Allah is Good! Here was a chance thrown into +my hands. I forgot all about FREDERICK HARRISON; told CHAKIR PACHA and +WAHAN EFFENDI to entertain the SHAH in the ante-chamber with coffee +and cigarettes, drawing him out on Armenia and Egypt. Meanwhile I +crept under the sofa, and heard every word. The SHAH very stern about +Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour and half +began to get tired under sofa; managed to stick in WAHAN EFFENDI's +Wellington boot a note, on which I had written, 'Take him to see my +horse.' So they went off to stable, and, as soon as coast was clear, +I crept out; shut myself up in room for rest of day. Heard afterwards +that they came back, the SHAH much impressed with appearance of my +horse; resumed conversation on Armenia and Egypt for another hour; at +last got rid of SHAH. + +"At night VAMBERY, disguised as melon-seller, entered Palace and +gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess had been made of +matters. The SHAH really didn't care about seeing the horse; wanted +to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. 'Better ask him to +dinner,' said VAMBERY; so despatched Grand Chamberlain in carriage and +six. The SHAH mollified; gave him a good dinner: plenty of electric +lights. Afterwards he was good enough to see me on the dais. Tried +to get him to promise alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party +towards me; also wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops +from Egypt, But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. +Not to be drawn. Talk about Eastern statecraft! nothing to you +English, as represented by jour SHAH LEFEVRES. When I pressed him +to come to point about Egypt, he said, 'On this subject I can only +speak my own views. I am not authorised to speak on behalf of those +I am politically associated with, but personally I am opposed to the +occupation of Egypt by English troops.' There's an answer for you! +Your MACHIAVELLIS, your TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some +time, and given away a dinner all for nothing, except the memory +that will ever rest with me of having been privileged to see this +remarkable man standing on my dais." + +Here the SULTAN clapped his hands three times, and Our Representative, +being carefully placed in a sack, was dropped into the Bosphorus, +whence he was rescued in time to send off this despatch for +publication in the current Number. + + * * * * * + +ACCIDENT ON THE ICE.--The other day a gentleman, well known in the +world of Sport and Art, was skating on the Serpentine, and fell in +with a friend. Both were getting on well when our reporter left. + + * * * * * + +EXTRACT FROM REPORT OF THE G.O.M.'S BIRTHDAY SPEECH AT HAWARDEN:-- + +[Illustration: _G.O.M._ (_to himself_). "I hope Lawson isn't looking +at me."] + +"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that not +infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way homewards after +midnight, sometimes very long after it, from the House of Commons, +I have stopped my course for a moment by the side of the drinking +fountain in Great George Street, Westminster, when there was nobody +to look at me, and have indulged in the refreshing draught which was +there afforded me, feeling at the same time that I was not performing +any action which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of +my excellent friend whose name is well known to you all--Sir WILFRID +LAWSON." + + * * * * * + +I'D BE A CRIMINAL. + +A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION. + +TUNE--_I'D BE A BUTTERFLY_. + + I'd be a criminal, born in a slum, + Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness meet; + For when to the court for my trial I come, + I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious and sweet. + + Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my power, + And Scientists sage will be slaves at my feet; + Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower, + And fools in my cause in their thousands will meet. + + They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary, + Some hope of escape to my prison to bring, + And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy + And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, talk or sing. + + Those I have butchered will get scant attention, + Interest's sure to be centred in me. + Painters will picture me, poets may mention, + Beauties discuss me at five o'clock tea. + + Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition, + Hypnotists swear I was somebody's tool; + And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition + Will promptly be signed by each faddist and fool. + + Murder--and good Dr. LIEGOIS of Nancy + Will back you, LABRUYERE will help you away. + I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy, + He is the only true Hero to-day! + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK. + +(_FOR THE USE OF DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR ENTERTAINERS._) + +_The Strike in Scotland_.--You might suggest, that were it in Ireland, +one might see a _rail_ way out of it, or rather in it. This jest may +be expected to be appreciated by a parson's wife of the sharper sort. +Something ought to be got out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to +the North. Example of what can be done in this direction:--"People +who play with fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS." +However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may want +your blood before you get to the cigarettes. North Britons are very +jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and permit no +jokes upon the subject. You see, in letting off your witticism at +a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it _was_ a joke. You +might also hint that it was "hard lines" for the Railway Companies +concerned; but this will provoke gloom rather than gaiety amongst +those who have invested in Caledonians and North British. If you talk +about the riots in connection with the movement, you might say that +the pugnacious rioters remind you of safety matches, "for they not +only strike, but strike on the box!" + +_The Parnell Negociations in France_.--You can say something about +O'BRIEN's invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him an evening visit on +the French coast, reminds you of the once popular song, "_Meet me +by Moonlight, Boulogne_." If you are told that "Boulogne" should be +"Alone," return, "Precisely--borrowed a word--Boulogne was a loan." +This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might suggest +that Mr. O'BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, because even +when he was in prison he took an absorbing interest in _the proper +adjustment of breeches_! + +_The Row at the Post Office_.--As the Savings' Bank Department has for +years been the Cinderella of the Civil Service, this is a subject that +will not create much interest; however, you might possibly extract +a pleasantry out of the name of the present Postmaster-General in +connection with the now-appeased _employes_. With a little trouble +you should be able to say something quite sparkling about what the +"officers" _hoe_ to _Raikes_! + +_The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa_.--Rather a good subject at +a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on particularly affectionate +and intimate terms) are gathered together. Say you have got to the +dessert, and you start the subject. Observe that it is fortunate that +the SULTAN OF TURKEY is not interested in the matter, or there would +be further trouble of a like character. To the question, "Why?" reply, +taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, "would it not +be a second difficulty with the _Porte, you geese_?" To make the jest +perfect, connect Turkey in Europe with the _dindon aux marrons_, of +which you will have just partaken. + +_The Weather_.--If forced to fall back upon this venerable subject +(which should only be broached in the wilds of Cornwall, or other +equally primitive spots), of course you can speak of a hard frost +being "_an ice_ day for a hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at +it." If the weather breaks, you may observe, "_You thaw so_," but not +when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a deaf +old maid. And this, with the other witticisms recorded above, should +carry you (by desire) into the middle of next week. + + * * * * * + +A DEADLY KISS.--The Hotch-kiss. + + * * * * * + +A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE. + +(_BY A "SLIPPERED PANTALOON."_) + +[Illustration] + + Tax-gatherers molest one's door, + The streets are choked with messy mist; + I'm the proverbial Bachelor, + An old, prosaic Pessimist. + Yet somehow--who can tell me why?-- + Urged by the Past's dim Phantom, I'm + Disposed my cosy Club to fly, + And prank it at the Pantomime. + + A Phantom weird of things forgot! + My mother, proud of me at her + Sweet side--our yellow chariot-- + The long, long drive--the theatre-- + My fear to miss--my thrill when in-- + The Fairy Queen, the jolly King-- + The laughter flung at Harlequin, + And Pantaloon arollicking. + + And sister PRUE, and brother TIM, + (I scarcely recollected them), + Magnificent in gala trim: + Dear me, how I respected them! + I deemed them quite grown up, so bold + Seemed they, glared so defiantly: + Yet they, too, cowered to behold + Prone before JACK the Giant lie. + + Yes! Where is TIM, where PRUE, alack! + Where mother fondly pliant now? + Where for that matter too is JACK, + And where the grisly Giant now? + In lonely stall, with vacant brow + I sit and eye the _coryphees_: + In my time they were Fairies; now + They seem to me but sorry fays. + + The pageantry is twice as grand, + The wealth of wealth embarrasses; + And yet this is not elfinland + But great AUGUSTUS HARRIS's. + The _blase_ children vote it flat, + When Mister Clown cries, "Here's a go!" + Yes, there's the box where erst we sat + And laughed so, sixty years ago. + + The very box: I think, you know, + The reason I'm so queer to-night + Is merely because long ago + Here faces were not here to-night. + I'd best be off--Bless me! no Clown? + No Stage?--no Past invidious? + No Orchestra?--but simply BROWN + Snoring the midnight hideous! + + No Drury Lane?--no tinsel flare?-- + No pirouetting Bogeydom?-- + Only a Club, and one who there + Forgot in sleep his Fogeydom! + Welcome my Transformation Scene; + I'm dull once more, and every + Old Bachelor like me, I ween, + May muse at times his reverie. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., Jan. 17, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12866.txt or 12866.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/6/12866/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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