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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:39:20 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:39:20 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12232-0.txt b/12232-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..12f00e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1797 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12232 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +May 28, 1919. + + + + + +[Illustration: "AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO". + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +TO-DAY.] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost Germany +the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost certain to +provoke further recriminations among the German High Command. + + *** + +After all, the War _may_ have wakened a new spirit in the nation. Up +to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner mint-sauce. + + *** + +A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the +cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a march-past +could easily be arranged. + + *** + +Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate during +the Peace celebrations. The present price of one-and-sixpence per +kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits anything like deep-seated +festivity. + + *** + +A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish a +weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a little +light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent. + + *** + +At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that he +had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare that +this is at least three feet over proof. + + *** + +As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton Dr. +ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various articles +of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only such socks as +do not require muffling will be worn. + + *** + +The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has +since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the +encyclopaedia. + + *** + +It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of the +delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly realise +the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could come to +grips, in the event of a War between these two countries, without +infringing the laws of neutrality. + + *** + +"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on May +28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news for +those who have mining shares there. + + *** + +There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says _The +Shoe and Leather Trades Record_. Smith minor talks of migrating to the +Orient. + + *** + +Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in some +parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to them. + + *** + +Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have refused +to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled. + + *** + +As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat that +developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed eight +times, and it is expected that its final execution will have taken +place by the time this appears in print. + + *** + +We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled. +Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to work +off arrears of fires in strict rotation. + + *** + +A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the church +exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't worry about +getting people out of church so long as we got them in. + + *** + +A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour of +smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could be +made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one. + + *** + +A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and +then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook the +unfortunate man for an intending fare. + + *** + +The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution calling +on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop the +Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release conscientious +objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia is being much +commented on. + + *** + +A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable +disease. + + * * * * * + +A SPRING IDYLL. + +If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties to +Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff with +gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early victim. +When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of fossilized +soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical odour, and +postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet began to make +inquiries. + +"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la République," +reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and as much as he can +borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to her." + +There was a period of regular visits and intense literary activity on +the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden disappearance of Mam'zelle +and an endeavour by the disconsolate swain to liquidate his debts in +kind. + +"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another +three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake of +vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight." + +"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented fly-paper. +Have you frightened her away?" + +"She's been _swept_ away on a flood of my eloquence," said Ronnie +sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought enough +pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and enough soap +to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad; lathers well if +you soak it in hot water overnight." + +"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the conversation +out of commercial channels. + +"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic leaning +over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much progress as +a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and scent instead +of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me, because one day +she asked if I would translate an English letter she'd received into +French. + +"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my +strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from +a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted +Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I +offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of letter-paper +for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike translation. + +"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it in, but +on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much good. And next +day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter to translate, this +time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I discovered, was a sapper +who'd been transferred to Boulogne and, judging by his hand, was +better with a shovel than a pen. As an amateur in style I couldn't +translate his drivel word for word. Like _Cyrano_, the artist in +me rose supreme, and I manicured and curled his letter, painted and +embroidered it, and nearly finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of +'Herbert.' + +"She was quite surprised when she read the translation. + +"_'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas_?' said she, kissing it and stuffing it +away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in French, 'that the +dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw my error. I had made +a probable of a horse that hadn't previously got an earthly. So, to +adjust things, I refrigerated the next letter--which happened to be +from 'Orace--to the temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the +consequence was that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me +for three whole days. + +"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When 'Orace +or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but when their +love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor Ronnie. Any +advances on my own part were countered with sales of soap, customers +apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to bide my time. + +"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived simultaneously, +and were duly handed to the fourth party for necessary action. It +occurred to me that when the time came for me to enter the race on +my own behalf I need have little fear of 'Erbert as a rival, so I +determined to cut 'Orace out of the running. + +"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts, spun out +the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to work on +'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on and made a +symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling melody--blue skies, +yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with Georgette perched like a +sugar goddess on a silver cloud and 'Erbert trying to clamber up to +her on a silk ladder. To read it would have made a Frenchman proud of +his own language. Then, for dramatic effect, I took the letters, put +them on the counter and walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I, +'will do 'Orace's business--and then for 'Erbert!' + +"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found +that her place behind the counter was taken by that little red-haired +Celestine. + +"'Where's Georgette?' said I. + +"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to yourself, +this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit, sent her +yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed to read +it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment. _"Le pauvre +garçon!"_ cried Georgette, "his passion is so strong he cannot find +words for it. He is stricken dumb with excess of feeling. I must be at +his side to comfort him." And she has flown like the wind to Calais, +that she may be affianced to him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the +soap I know the kind you prefer.' + +"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love and +money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of post-cards." + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF SIMLA. + +I.--THE BUREAUCRAT. + + Along a narrow mountain track + Stalking supreme, alone, + Head upwards, hands behind his back, + He swings his sixteen stone. + + Quit of the tinsel and the glare + That lit his forbears' lives, + His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear + The burden that was CLIVE'S. + + A man of few and simple needs + He smokes a briar--and yet + His rugged signature precedes + The half an alphabet. + + Across these green Elysian slopes + The Secretariat gleams, + The playground of his youthful hopes, + The workshop of his schemes. + + He sees the misty depths below, + Where plain and foothills, meet, + And smiles a wistful smile to know + The world is at his feet; + + To know that England calls him back; + To know that glory's path + Is leading to a _cul de sac_ + In Cheltenham or Bath; + + To know that all he helped to found, + The India of his prayers, + Has now become the tilting ground + Of MILL-bred doctrinaires. + + But his the inalienable years + Of faith that stirred the blood, + Of zeal that won through toil and tears, + And after him--the flood. + + J.M.S. + + * * * * * + + OUR FEMININE ATHLETES. + + "Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.--Apply personally, Mrs. + -----, Oddfellows' Arms."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT RENUNCIATION. + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE OF +BEAUTY." + +[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to +accept a mandate for Constantinople.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS +ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN. + +_Char_. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE. I CAN'T +ABIDE 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS. + +PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS. + +_Park Lane_. + +DEAREST DAPHNE,--Already everyone's got peace-strain and what state +we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I haven't the +dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean to celebrate it, +and when they find that other people have the same ideas and mean to +do the same things at the same time there are alarums and excursions, +and things are said, and quite several people who were dear friends +during the War don't speak now owing to the peace! + +_Par exemple_, marches and processions being so much in the air, +I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt +knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We +Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed in +white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being arranged +at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I found that +Beryl Clarges had _stolen my idea_ and was arranging a "Crochet Peace +Procession," with an immense gilt crochet-hook to be carried in front, +and a banner with some nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a +triumphal car dressed in crochet! + +I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to her. + +Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd +settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures, and +all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but I'm +giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the silliness and +selfishness of everybody. + +Talking of dances, one's getting a bit _dégoûtée_ of Jazz bands and +steps. When _ces autres_ get hold of anything it always begins to +leave off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace +Leap, that hasn't yet been quite _usé_ and spoilt by the outlying +tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy Havilland was +at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where people fly out of +their seats to one-step and two-step between the courses and during +the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy was eating his fish +the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger, "She's corns on her +toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish, jumped up and began to +dance. _Of course_ several fish-bones flew down his throat, and while +he was choking he did such fearful and wonderful things that the whole +room, not dreaming the poor dear was at his _dernier soupir_, broke +out clapping and shouting and then imitated him, and by the time +Chippy felt better he found himself famous and everybody doing the +Peace Leap, which has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's +Prowl and everything else. + +Oh, my dearest, who _do_ you think are among the crowd of married +people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving partnership? The +Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The _flitchiest_ of Dunmow Flitch +pairs! The _turtlest_ of turtle--doves! Whenever people spoke of +marriage as played out other people always weighed in with, "Well, but +look at the Algy Mallowdenes." + +They married on war-bread and Government cheese and kisses +(unrationed). Seriously, though, _m'amie_, I believe they'd +scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as Permanent +Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the No-Use-Coming-Here +Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a staff of servants were +allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to have a ball-room built, and +Algy said he simply _must_ have a billiard-room and smoke-room added, +one of those fearful red-flag creatures got up in the House just +as the money was going to be voted and made such an uproar that the +matter was dropped. + +And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here Office, +Algy began to write novels and found himself at once. You've read some +of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear. Every kind of world +while you wait, the upper, the under, and the half. Lallie was +very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I believe she said +wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so much about +this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy made answer: +"Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's temperament." + +By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the Umpty +Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those people, +you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never mentioned). +And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official residence of +the Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary. + +"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's not as +a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her that I +talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like that is a +_sine quâ non_ in a novel of the Modernist school." + +But Lallie _couldn't_ see the dif between a man and a novelist, and +Algy _couldn't_ write his best seller without studying its heroine, +and so--and so--at last our poor prize couple are in that long list +that an overworked judge complained of the other day. And if you ask +for the moral I suppose it's "Don't try to study character where there +isn't any." + +This is emphatically a season for _arms_, my Daphne, which seems quite +a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures don't count; it's +the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm! There are all sorts +of stunts for attracting attention to round white arms, and if one has +the other kind one had better go and do a rest-cure. Your Blanche is +beyond criticism in that respect, as you know, and the other night at +the opera I'd a _succès fou_ with a big black-enamel beetle, held in +place by an invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm. + +Lady Manoeuvrer is simply _ravie de joie_ at the rage for arms, for +her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the only clever +one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the best arms of the +whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's course, "The Fascination +of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers about from morn to +night, poor child, till she sometimes does a small weep from sheer +exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races, in a no-sleeved coatee +with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in full gallop on her upper +arm, she attracted plenty of attention and had two offers, I hear. +Arms and the man, again! + +_À propos_, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd sent a +thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of you!" I +said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No, dearest," she +whispered; "for the restoration of the London Season!" + +Ever thine, BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tube Habitué (homeward bound)._ "TWO STRAPS, +'AMMERSMITH."] + + * * * * * + + "LETTS TAKE RIGA." + + _Daily Mail._ + +Yes, and let's keep it. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Manager (introducing music-hall turn)._ "LADIES +AND GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING +CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTION +THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM." + +_Voice from Gallery_. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET."] + + * * * * * + +MURMAN AMENITIES. + +This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the +awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his +surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the sympathetic +heart of the public and at the same time to have enthralled the +student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic detail. While +embodying all the best-known newspaper _clichés_ appropriated to these +latitudes it was to have included others specially and laboriously +prepared after a fascinating study of Arctic literature. + +But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the article +it was to have been will never be written, the telling word-pictures +designed on board the transport never executed. + +Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the Murman +base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of peril and of +hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out o' mornings, +to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle to suck, the +longest candle to chew--found themselves billeted in a room which the +landladies of home would delight to advertise! Its walls were hung +with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half their horror; it was +encumbered with countless frail chairs and "kiggly" tables, and upon +every flat surface had settled a swarm of albums, framed photographs, +china dogs, wax flowers, penholder-stands, and all the choicest +by-products of civilization struggling towards culture. As we were not +to be frozen by exposure or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might +reasonably have expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but +even this consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that +the English are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it +unlit. + +When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits, the +aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or foe we +could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before wax-flowers and +fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and knick-knacks, and all felt +that to encounter such things within the Arctic Circle was an unfair +test of our fortitude. Why had not the War Office or some newspaper +correspondent warned us? + +Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour; or +perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed no +reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and rapidly +had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll about the +floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet tackle that +crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished artificial fauna +and flora. + +Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady +approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare +bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the eccentricities +of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal what might be +termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives echo our words +of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on Russian, they are +simply imitating the sounds we make under the impression that they are +learning a little English. + +More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of +military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor +any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon +certain points which we have here to consider every day. For example, +if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street, maintaining +his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each hand, meets +a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should happen? What +_does_ happen we know by demonstration: the subaltern brandishes both +sticks round his head, slides forward five yards, smartly crosses the +points of his ski and then, plunging forward, buries his head in the +wayside drift, while the General Officer sits down and says what he +thinks. But we do not know if these gestures of natural courtesy are +such as our mentors would approve. No authority has set up for us any +ideal in such matters. From official rules of deportment the British +soldier knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse, +mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has been +made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are at large +in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the light of +nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior officers as +our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and permit. + +Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who in the +late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite colour, no +matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most fancied, and any +old variety of hat they thought becoming, are shocked by the fantastic +kit that is countenanced in this latitude. It must be borne in mind +that most of us are old campaigners and old nomads whose tailors have +grown accustomed to build us appropriate gear for various climes. +Fashions for fighting in France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained +a hold upon our affections, to say nothing of those designs for civil +breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street, Kirkcaldy +or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well out of +A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked. Thus +the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a busby, an +ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting stockings and +Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of one officer's +make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers, or sharp-toothed +Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather jerkin; or the +choice flowers of Savile Row associated with Canadian moccasins. + +What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward appearance of +the typical British officer? How will the little Lapps, befurred and +smiling, who come sliding to market behind the trotting reindeer, +report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In any case I hope we shall +found a legend of a well-meaning if peculiar and patchwork people. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES. + +_British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of woad, +to visitor)._ + +"I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE YOU TILL HE'S DRY."] + + * * * * * + + "Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas + engine and exhauster; 50_s_. per week of seven 12-hour + shifts."--_Advt. in Daily Paper_. + +In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems superfluous. + + * * * * * + +NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY. + +The readers of the Personal Column of _The Times_ were lately +refreshed by the following entry:-- + + "Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note that though + it may be a custom on his own course to pocket golf-balls on + the fairway, it is not done elsewhere." + +For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and regret, +for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold uses; but +as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic thing is that +up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese hat has made no +reply. Either it does not read _The Times_ or it has been rendered +speechless. We were longing for some first-class recriminations. + +The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we are +liable to find this:-- + + Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that, though it + may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of + others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White + Sale at Blankridge's is not the thing. + +And again:-- + + The female with a red parasol, who thought it her duty to + struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus, opposite + the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to three, + may be interested in learning that the service is not run + solely for her. + +And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like this may +be looked for:-- + + Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and neglected + wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume dining at + home only on condition that the table was laid as it is laid + in _The Good-Humoured Ladies_? + + * * * * * + +BEFORE. + + Before I was a little girl I was a little bird, + I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a word; + But all about the woods I went and up into the sky-- + And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly? + + I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing + Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring; + But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew + I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you. + + R. F. + + * * * * * + + MORE DILLYDALLYING. + + "Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes + between members of the League, then meditation by the + Council."--_Liverpool Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THE TREACHEROUS SON. + +I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet village +that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic peace of +my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this pleasant +sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden fruit-trees, +creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I became aware that a +pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama was in progress within +fifty yards from my open windows. I discovered a son in the act of +encouraging his aged and apparently imbecile parent to gamble with +a professional swindler! Not that I have actually seen them thus +engaged. As a matter of fact I have merely heard a few short +remarks--and those were all spoken by the son. But, as everyone knows, +even a single sentence accidentally overheard by an observant stranger +may give him a clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen, +speaker's character than could be gained from countless chapters of a +modern analytical novel. + +So these four sentences were quite enough for _me_. Perhaps I should +mention here that the three personages in this drama are birds--which +makes it all the more painful. + +Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally drops +into English, or I should never have understood what was going on. +He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because I know all +_their_ remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M. heard them he +would probably tell me they were those of a "Blackman's Warbler," and +I should have believed him--once. Hardly now, after he has so airily +exposed his title as an authority; but even as it is I should not +dream of questioning his statement that "the egg of course is +rather more speckled," because I can well believe that the egg this +bird--whatever he is--came from was very badly speckled indeed. + +It seems that, some time ago--I can't say when exactly, but it was +before I came down here--this unnatural son introduced to the parental +abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a row of young +chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more than dubious +reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to put up for +the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I said, I have +neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's _there_. I am unable +to give the precise date on which he first led the conversation to the +good old English game of "rigging the thimble"--that also was before I +came. All I can state with certainty is that he interested his host in +it so effectually that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all +day long. + +This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause which +invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the father-bird (if +he would only speak up--which he doesn't) quavering, "I'm not sure, +my boy, I'm not _sure_, but I've a notion that, _this_ time, he's left +the pea under the _middle_ thimble--eh?" + +On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere, +pipes out, "There it _is_, Fa-ther, there it _is_, Fa-ther!" with +an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt that is simply +indescribable, being indeed too revolting for words. + +Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some observations +which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the fairness of the +game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty that the luck must +turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts him--this time in plain +English--to "be a bird." Whereupon the doting old parent decides that +he _will_ be a bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I +hear the son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '_e_'s got +it; no, '_e_'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory +concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am not +suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping their +"h's"--but _this_ one does. There are times when he is so elated by +his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an outburst of inarticulate +devilry. And so the game goes on, minute after minute, hour after +hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The amount of grains or grubs or +whatever the stakes may be (and it is not likely that any rook would +play for love), that that old idiot must have lost even since I have +been here, is beyond all calculation. He has never once been allowed +to spot the right thimble, but he _will_ go on. As to the son's motive +in permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you +possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it +had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous +arrangement. + +Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the unnatural +offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it have dawned at +last upon his parent that this is one of those little games where the +odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the Table? Or can the son +have sickened of his own villainy and washed his claws of his shady +confederate? I don't know why, but I am almost beginning to hope.... +No; through the open window comes the well-known cry, "There it _is_, +Fa-ther! There it _is_, Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a _bird_!... No, '_e_'s +got it! No, '_e_'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it again! + +F.A. + + * * * * * + +A SHADY TENANT. + + [From inquiries made by a _Daily Chronicle_ representative it + appears that the present demand for housing accommodation is + such that people no longer draw the line at ghosts.] + + The problem at last is a thing of the past; + Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest; + We can put up the banns and make definite plans, + For the love-birds will soon have a nest. + I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat + In which we are destined to dwell, + And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt + It will suit us exceedingly well. + + There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't + Have perfection, as you are aware, + And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house + Is both damp and in need of repair. + I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore; + I discovered the latter to be + That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain + By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three. + + Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime, + But the victim's intangible shade + Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say, + In diaphanous garments arrayed. + In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom + She's appearing once nightly, it seems, + And the listener quails as lugubrious wails + Are succeeded by agonised screams. + + But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause + No concern; I am certain that you + Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice + In the thought that our haven's in view. + In the likely event of your mother's descent + There's the warmest of welcomes in store, + And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide + That indelible stain on the floor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony)._ +"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW ARM. + +_(On perceiving William in mufti again and carrying one.)_ + + What is this implement of warfare, Bill? + What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers? + Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill, + Doing it first by numbers. + + Not a grenade and not a parachute? + Some remnant rather of the ancient folly, + Some touch of times before the Big Dispute? + I have it now! A brolly. + + Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent, + Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious. + Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent. + How splendid! And how curious! + + Do it again, Bill. I am better now; + Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled. + Press on the little clutch and show me how + The parts are reassembled. + + To think men poked these things into the sky, + Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles, + Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I + Forgot there were such articles. + + It brings the old times back to one again, + The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's dolours + Doing their very best to drip the rain + Down other people's collars; + + The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome; + The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas; + The rapture when you found on reaching home + Your gamp was someone else's. + + O symbol of routine and office hours! + O emblem of the soft civilian status! + Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers + With such an apparatus? + + Shall I consent to grasp within my hand + The sign of serfdom and to get the habit + Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand, + A mushroom on a rabbit? + + Never. O hateful sight! And yet--and yet + I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one; + June will most probably be beastly wet; + P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + EAST IS EAST. + + "The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was + married this month to Corporal ----. We wish them all + happiness."--_Diocesan Magazine (India)._ + +Corporal ---- appears to be a specialist. + + * * * * * + + "There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old + régime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of + some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."--_Canadian + Paper_. + +EX-KAISER (_loq_.): "No, thanks; I've had some." + + * * * * * + + "OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.--Most beautiful city in England. Good + lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."--_Advt. in + Provincial Paper_. + +We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational establishment +in connection with the place. + + * * * * * + + OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + + "There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a + person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but + it has always been suspected that this was due to greater + uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he + is standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be + given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head + really requires a larger hat it must be because the head is + larger."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONOUR SATISFIED. + +GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! _(Aside)_ AFTER WHICH +PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, May 19th._--The coalminers lately received concessions in +wages and hours that are going to cost the country twenty millions +sterling in the present financial year. The first result of this boon +(_teste_ Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they are turning out less coal +per man than ever, and that the unhappy consumer must look forward to +a further reduction in his already meagre ration. It is rather hard +upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily dilates in the Coal Commission upon the +hardships of the miner's life, that his clients should let him down +like this. + +For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is that +before British troops are sent to any new front the approval of the +House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if, during his +active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar restriction +on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the gallant Commander +himself would have been more pithy than Parliamentary. + +[Illustration: LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS. + +_General Seely._ "WELL, HARDLY EVER."] + +The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now +stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a +number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some +have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in +"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the +official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that that +never happens; though I think he added under his breath--"well, hardly +ever." + +There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to introduce +the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a pity, for he had +a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and told it very well. +He was less successful on the subject of the "national shipyards," +which have cost four millions of money and in two years have not +succeeded in turning out a single completed ship. With the wisdom that +comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY fulminated ferociously against +the "superman" who had imposed this "disastrous scheme" upon the +country. + +This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in the most +vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended the scheme +as being absolutely essential at the time it was initiated. It was +a war-time expedient, which changing circumstances had rendered +unnecessary; but if the War and the U-boat campaign had gone on it +might have been the salvation of the country. After all you can't +expect to have shipyards without making a few slips. + +_Tuesday, May 20th._--The advance of woman continues. Very soon she +will have her foot upon the first rung of the judicial ladder, and be +able to write J.P. after her name, for the LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing +out that in this matter the Government were bound to honour the +pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S +Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn the prospective justicesses +(if that is the right term) that, as the Commissions of the Peace were +already fully manned, it might be some time before any large number +of ladies could be added to the roll of those who, in the words of the +Prayer-book, "indifferently administer justice." + +[Illustration: THE LONG PULL. + +MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.] + +Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the Government a +real service in the Commons. Every day since his return from Paris Mr. +BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as to when, if ever, the +House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace terms, and has evaded +a direct answer with more or less ingenuity. This afternoon Mr. +BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE HOUSE had "nothing to +add" to his previous replies, asked if he was right in supposing that, +when the Treaty came up for ratification, the House must take it or +leave it, and would have no power to amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW +joyfully jumped at the chance of ending the daily catechism once for +all. "That," he said, "exactly represents the position, and I do not +see in what other way any Treaty could ever be arranged." + +In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY ARNOLD +sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER that the +income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining, owing to the +cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. It costs six +hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million. Of course, he +added, it costs more proportionately to collect small amounts than +large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by one individual +the cost of collection would be _nil_. One imagined the CHANCELLOR +on the eve of the Budget wishing, _à la_ NERO, that the whole of the +British people had but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply +and as often as he pleased. + +The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the proposed +"levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who already +display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the Labourites. +After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH spoke at +Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about the new +nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing either +his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with the +suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the subject. + +The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the amendment. +He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting the War Bond +advertisements, which daily inform us that the patriotic investor +"will receive the whole of his money back with a substantial premium." + +The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred "by +Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected aid of +Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as easily as +the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly asserted that the +tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the advance-guard of +Protection, was in reality a very strong movement towards Free Trade. +Comforted by this authoritative declaration Coalition Liberals helped +the Government to defeat the amendment by 317 to 72. + +_Wednesday, May 21st._--The Peers being as usual rather short of work +at this period of the Session, the LORD CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill +"to enable the Official Solicitor for the time being to exercise +powers and duties conferred on the person holding the office of +Official Solicitor." + +The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the effect +that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating revolutionary +alterations at Hampton Court--in particular that he was going to +transform the famous pond-garden into something quite different: a +MOND-garden, in fact--are, it seems, grossly exaggerated. All that he +has done is to appoint a Committee of experts to advise him what, if +any, changes are desirable. + +The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some personal +details. By way of showing that even without a levy on capital the +rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State, Sir EDWARD +CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he immediately +allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book at only +half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it was five +pounds"--and the House laughed loudly at such an absurd supposition. + +Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the importance +of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was political rather than +economical by the remark that if he was going to be married--which he +fervently hoped would not happen to him--he would expect his mythical +bride to value his engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its +sentimental value. + +A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in the +House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up the +debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading _nem. con._ + +_Thursday, May 22nd._--The Ministry of Health Bill came up for third +reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by the Government +to provide the new Minister with an additional Under-Secretary was +heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being appropriately enough one of the +Tellers for the Opposition. + +The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story of an +angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty road to +its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too frequent +notice, "Closed--No Beer," brought a most sympathetic reply from Mr. +GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a believer in good beer +myself," and later on announced that the Government had decided to +increase the output from twenty million to twenty-six million standard +barrels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz +band for some time)._ "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S +ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer._ "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM +THE WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + +The original answer to the question at the head of these insignificant +remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A rose," said +_Juliet_, "by any other name would smell as sweet." But of course she +was wrong. If a rose were handed to a visitor in the garden, with the +words, "Do see how wonderful this onion is!" such a prejudice would be +set up as fatally to impair its fragrance. There is, in fact, much +in a name; and therefore the attempt of a correspondent of _The Daily +Express_ to find a generic nomenclature for domestic servants should +be given very serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the +objection felt by so many women servants to being either called by +Christian or surname." + +As a means of placating this very sensitive class the correspondent +writes:-- + +"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I +therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first +letter of the class. For example:-- + + Lady's-maid Louise. + Parlourmaid Palmer. + Housemaid Hannah. + General Gertrude. + Scullerymaid Sarah." + +Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if it +spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For why +confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids are to be +called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors "Eddy" (very +good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And all London +County Councillors, "Elsie"? + +But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given. "Palmer" +for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce the sound +values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would be better, or +why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired similarity with the +new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help transform domestic service +to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah" for "housemaid" is also wrong, +although for "handmaid" it would be good. On the analogy of "Palmer," +why not call all housemaids "How"? or even "House"? + +If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English housemaids? +For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude"; and for +scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name; there is a +distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an M.P. for +Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be offended. + +It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or calling, and +others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our gum-architect +as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not address a plumber as +"Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might be called Warner). We +say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not address an advocate as +"Barrister." If we had a definite rule everything would be simple, but +as we have not it is necessary to find several more names. I am not at +all satisfied with _The Daily Express's_ test. For example, what would +a second parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be +called Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens. + + * * * * * + +RUS IN URBE. + + ["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a titled lady + took her tea with some friends on the footway at Belsize + Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by, + however, complained of the obstruction ... and, following + representation to the police by the public, the _al-fresco_ + tea-party was broken up."--_Daily News_.] + +In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased +to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this +courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit. + +On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of passers-by was +drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled along the Strand +by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke of Sleepyacres. It +appears that his Grace, on return from active service, found that the +confined air of an ordinary bed-room engendered insomnia. He therefore +conceived the idea of sleeping in the open-air and caused his bed to +be placed in the centre of the Strand, opposite the entrance to the +Savoy Hotel. The presence of the sleeping nobleman might have been +unnoticed, had not Mr. SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way +from dining after a session of the Coal Commission. His eye was +immediately caught by the ducal crest on the panels of the bed. +Suspicious that this was a dastardly attempt on the part of a +member of the landed classes to obtain sleeping-rights in a public +thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE lodged a complaint with the police, and the +Duke was removed to Bow Street. + +Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp which +has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at the corner +of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a small and quite +inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army pattern bell-tent, +a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our representative recently visited +the occupants to ascertain the reason for their presence. After +hastily declining an offer of a glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over +from France, he inquired with polite interest whether his hosts +contemplated a lengthy stay. They replied that they did. They were +waiting for their demobilisation gratuities. The locality, they added, +was a quiet one, where advancing old age could be met in comfortable +meditation. Also the offices of Messrs. Cox, Box & Co., the Regimental +Agents, were in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the +gratuities could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the +present the police have not interfered with them, apparently taking +them for workmen employed in repairing the roadway. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"KISSING TIME." + +For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the +atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is perhaps +rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on the board; +so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you beforehand of the +merits of their favourite brands. + +I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am +unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I +am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary I +follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find that +it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly again) to +conclude that the fault lies with him and not with myself. + +[Illustration: THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME. + +MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN +THEATRE.] + +But in the case of _Kissing Time_, after a rather dull First Act, +during which I kept telling myself that I was not suffering from +senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a great measure +justified of their elect. For one thing the authors, taking a bold +and original line (from the French), had produced a coherent plot; +and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I understand to be +the average in this kind. One expects, of course, a little Cockney +licence--"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's," and so on--and a certain +amount of popular banality, as in the song, "Some Day" (rapturously +approved); but there were excellent verses on the text, "A woman has +no mercy on a man," and, I doubt not, much other good stuff which +I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL, who conducted (and was probably +thinking more of his own pleasant music than somebody else's words), +did not make enough allowance for my slowness in the up-take of +patter. + +Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when the book +has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him for private +developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and confident. One easily +understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE ARNAUD, who was a little +slow for the general pace, must, I think, be more of an acquired +taste. + +Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound work, and +so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature. Mr. GEORGE +GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the old Middlesex +a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden," brought with him the +traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm personal welcome. I could +bear him to be funnier than he was; but as I'm sure that he's clever +enough to be anything he likes I can only assume that he wasn't really +trying. + +I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of his, +where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely, even in +the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our discontent." + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE LAND OF MY DREAMS + + I know a spot where balmy air and still + Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour + As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower, + He stretches idle limbs at ease until + The blessed peace about him calms his will + And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower, + Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour + Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill, + Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be + So strangely foolish as to heed her call, + Regardless of their true felicity.... + Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all! + Afflict not one to this dear haven fled, + My private earthly paradise--my BED. + + * * * * * + + "Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1s. 5-1/2d. per + hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need + apply."--_Country Paper._ + +Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known several +who were most respectable. + + * * * * * + +THE RENAISSANCE. + +The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities of +war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the tree in +early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable results. Unable +to rise any higher they are already contemplating the heroic course +of justifying their eminence by starting afresh at the bottom of the +ladder. + +The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by our Boy +Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious foresight +which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD recognises the +impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved when and if he +leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior. It is further +rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his august example. +The atmosphere of the Bench is not always exhilarating, and the salary +is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism doubtless also enters into +their motives. + +The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the +situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon +be released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent +energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of +commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the +demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great shops +and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been higher. +Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to conquer. We can +confidently look forward to the day when no shop will be without its +DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO. Opportunities for employment +on the stage are likely to be multiplied by the alleged intention +of several actor-managers to enter Parliament, while others, nobly +anxious to satisfy the claims of youth, have expressed their resolve +only to appear henceforth in such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and +outside shouts. + +In the domain of letters some startling developments are also +threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his +refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his +opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future +exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of +one syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also +contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels, +beginning with _Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'_. Mr. SHAW'S fresh start will +be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to Eton and +Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at our older +Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted in the +French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a commission in +the Dutch mercantile marine. + +The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of speculation +in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he does not +intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at the Bar, but +has resolved to return to his first love--journalism. Sport is the +only department in which the ornate and orotund style of which Mr. +ASQUITH is a master is still in vogue, and the description of classic +events in classical diction will furnish him with a congenial opening +for the exercise of his great literary talent. + +The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of +Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master at +St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known to be +considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the Handel +Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that, according to +a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just completed a series of +pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which +will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the luncheon interval at the +Coal Commission. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS +ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"] + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING CHANCE. + + DEAR ALEC,--Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat + you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly + pivotal when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at + once. + + Will you go back to the Governor's office? + + Yours ever, GARRY NORTON. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Haven't the faintest; but before settling down + I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so + as to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better + come with me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to + give old Cox a run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean, + that he's been keeping for me). + + If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean, + and we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast. + + Yours in haste, ALEC RIDLEY. + + + DEAR ALEC,--I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat do + you want--schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A half-decker, + or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite + instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid + I can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or + incarnadine the seas by yourself. + + Yours as ever, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a boat + that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it + has a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's + pantry so much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of + those nine months at Basra last year with the flies. Yours, + ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I doubt + whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential + property. + + I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit + of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told + it's very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of + June. + + Yours ever, GARRY NORTON. + + + DEAR GARRY,--This is a top-hole place. To have got this water + for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler. + + You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I + shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the + river banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my + cast and I can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can + hear the click of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I + write, so the hooping season has begun. + + There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses + like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing + about at present. + + Yours ever, ALEC. + + + _Postcard_. + + Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as poss. G. + N. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about mayflies + now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or two of + the best chocolates. Having good sport. + + In haste for post, + + Yours, ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special + chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's + Pharmacopoeia. + + Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of + water. + + Yours as usual, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other day, + and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the + Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and + we have had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven + beauties yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches. + + Post just going out. + + Yours in haste, ALEC. + + P.S.--Another couple of pounds of chocs would be useful. + + + DEAR ALEC,---Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I + shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of + these days. + + Yours, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the water + (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after arriving. + + Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside + whistling for me, so I must put the lid on. + + Yours, ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a + fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching + eleven beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long. + Some trout--what? But why the terriers? Yours in darkness, + + GARRY NORTON. + + + _Postcard_. + + _Rats_. + + ALEC. + + * * * * * + + "WHEN GREEK JOINS GREEK." + + "The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks + forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has + been virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The + reports says the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid + in looting imprisoned Greeks hidden remotely."--_Egyptian + Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE. + + When first I joined the R.N.V. + And ventured out upon the sea, + The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties + Who guided me about my duties + Were wont to wink and chuckle if + I found the going rather stiff; + And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough, + My legs proved scarcely firm enough + To keep me yare and head-to-wind + The very nicest of them grinned. + + Now times are changed, and here I am + Once more beside the brimming Cam, + Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs + Whirl madly by in punts and tubs, + Which they propel by strength of will + And muscle rather more than skill. + For (if one may be fairly frank) + They barge across from bank to bank, + With zig-zag motions, in and out, + As though torpedoes were about; + Whilst I with all an expert's ease + Glide by as gaily as you please, + Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts, + Perform accomplished super-stunts. + + But do not think I jibe or jeer + However strangely they career. + In soothing accents, sweet as spice, + I offer them my best advice, + Or deftly show them how to plant a + Propulsive pole in oozy Granta, + Observing, "If you only knew it + _This_ is the proper way to do it;" + Till soon each watching Looty's face + Grows full of wonder at my grace, + And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys + Attempt to imitate my poise. + + O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N., + Thus by the Cam we meet again; + And, as in wilder sterner days, + We shared the ocean's dreary ways + In fellowship of single aim, + I never doubt we'll do the same + By sunny Cam in happier times; + And therefore, if through these my rhymes + Some gentle banter slyly flits, + Forgive me, Sirs--and call it quits. + + * * * * * + +From a club journal:-- + + "Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a + change from a Trip to the River." + +This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy +symptoms of the times in which we live. + + * * * * * + +From a report of the debate on the National Shipyards:-- + + "'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking + increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase + this)."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for +twenty minutes)._ "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF +AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in +_Across the Stream_ (MURRAY), a story on the very topical subject of +spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a practised novelist, +with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to adorn, he has made a +tale that is interesting throughout and here and there aspires to real +beauty of feeling; though not all the writer's skill can disguise a +certain want of unity in the natural and supernatural divisions of +his theme. The early part of the book, which tells of the boyhood +of _Archie_ and the attempts of his dead brother _Martin_ to "get +through" to him, are admirably done. As always in these studies of +happy and guarded childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic, +tender, altogether winning. There was lung trouble in _Archie's_ +record--_Martin_ indeed had died of it (sometimes I wonder whether any +of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly robust), and there is +a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss sanatorium, where the +dead and living boys touch hands over the little _cache_ of childish +treasure buried by the former beneath a pine-tree in the garden. +Later, when _Archie_ had recovered from his disease and grown to +suitor's estate, I could not but feel, despite the sardonically +observed figure of _Helena_, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him, +that the whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost +interest for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of +Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving scenes +in this latter part are those between _Archie_ and his father. I have +seldom known a horrible situation handled with more delicate art; it +is for this, rather than for its slightly unconvincing devilments, +that I would give the book an honourable place in the ranks of +Bensonian romance. + + * * * * * + +I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose _Mr. Sterling Sticks it +Out_ (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the form of a story +the case of the conscientious objector of the finest type, that, +when we are able to think about this matter calmly, we shall have +considerable misgivings at least about details in our treatment of +this difficult problem. I also agree that the officials of the Press +Bureau don't come at all well out of the correspondence which he +prints in his preface, and, further, that the Government ought to have +had the courage to alter the law allowing absolute exemption rather +than stretch it beyond the breaking point. But I emphatically dispute +his assumption that the matter was a simple one. It was not the +saintly, single-minded and sweet-natured C.O.'s of _Christopher +Sterling's_ type that made the chief difficulty. There were few of +this literal interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty +was created by men of a very different character and in much greater +numbers, sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately +and unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and +making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It would +require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses from strict +equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is unfair in +its emphasis, but it is not fanatical or subversive, and I can see no +decent reason why it should have been banned. I certainly commend it +to the majority-minded as a wholesome corrective. + + * * * * * + +That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled +biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling of +disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the biographer or +in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge between us, +for _The New Elizabethans_ (LANE) must certainly be read, if only to +understand clearly that there is no fault in the heroes, at any rate. +Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these golden lads ... who +first conquered their easier selves and secondly led the ancestral +generations into a joyous captivity" (whatever that may mean), and +maintains, against the father of one of them apparently, that he is +apt in the title he has given to them and to their countless peers. I +agree with the father and think they deserve a new name of their own; +such men as the GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD +HANKEY did more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT, +"the Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised +as marking a production and a surprise of our own generation--the +"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally +reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel +that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant "a +selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great war." +Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons; there +should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the dedication +to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's prose a certain +affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter. An instance is the +reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation of the quatrain:-- + + Every day that passes + Filling out the year + Leaves the wicked Kaiser + Harder up for beer. + +I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the "Incorrigibles," +doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word "joyous." + + * * * * * + +I should certainly have supposed that recent history had discounted +popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in other words, +that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so sensational a +manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But it appears that +Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this opinion. His latest +story, _The Pester Finger_ (SKEFFINGTON), shows him as Ruritanian +as ever. As usual we find that distressful country, here called +_Varavia_, in the throes of dynastic upheaval, which centres, in +a manner also not without precedent, in the figure of a young and +beautiful Princess. This lady, the last of her race, had been adopted +as ward--on, I thought, insufficient introduction--by the hero, _Sir +Francis Vyse_. The situation was further complicated by the fact that +in his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have +prevented the murder of _Sonia's_ august parents, and didn't. Quite +early I gave up counting how many times _Sir Francis_ and his fair +ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and generally knocked about. +You never saw so convulsed a courtship; for I will no longer conceal +the fact that, when he was not more strenuously engaged, he soon began +to regard _Sonia_ with a softening eye. And as _Sonia_ herself +was growing up to womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase, +"muliebrity claimed her definitely"--well, he is an enviable reader +for whom the last page will hold any considerable surprise. + + * * * * * + +"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to _A Naval Lieutenant, 1914-1918_ +(METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to record his +impressions of the "sea affair." He was in _H.M.S. Southampton_ during +the earlier part of the War, and "on all the four principal occasions +when considerable German forces were encountered in the North Sea, her +guns were in action." Very naturally he desired to do honour to this +gallant light cruiser, and I admire prodigiously the modest way in +which he has done it. "ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor +of syntax might conceivably be distressed by his confusion of +prepositions; but apart from this detail all is plain sailing--and +fighting. I have read no more thrilling account of the Battle of +Jutland than is to be found here. The author does it so well because +he tells his story with great simplicity and without what I believe +he would call "windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour, +and would even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if +there had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were +amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF INNOCENCE. + +GOLF IN SPRINGTIME. + + Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass, + Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass, + Crying, + "Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play! + Now then, all together, boys--Me-e-eh!" + Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow, + Following your mothers, skipping as you go, + Crying, + "Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say! + Give it all together, boys--Me-e-e-eh!" + Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair, + Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air, + Crying, + "Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day; + Once more let him have it, boys--Me-e-e-e-eh!" + Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew, + One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you, + Crying, + "Every time I foozled they bleated with delight. + Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!" + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BORROWED THUNDER. + +"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?" + +"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR +TWO."] + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, May 28, 1919., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12232 *** diff --git a/12232-h/12232-h.htm b/12232-h/12232-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf2d255 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/12232-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1897 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Windows (vers 1st November 2003), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= +"text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, May 28, 1919.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- +body { +margin-left: 10%; +margin-right: 10%; +} +p { +text-align : justify; +} +blockquote { +text-align : justify; +} +h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 { +text-align : center; +} +pre { +font-size : 0.7em; +} +hr { +text-align : center; +width : 50%; +} +html > body hr { +margin-right : 25%; +margin-left : 25%; +width : 50%; +} +hr.full { +width : 100%; +} +html > body hr.full { +margin-right : 0%; +margin-left : 0%; +width : 100%; +} +hr.short { +text-align : center; +width : 20%; +} +html > body hr.short { +margin-right : 40%; +margin-left : 40%; +width : 20%; +} +.note { +margin-left : 10%; +margin-right : 10%; +font-size : 0.9em; +} +.center { +text-align : center; +} +.author { +text-align : right; +} +span.pagenum { +position : absolute; +left : 1%; +right : 91%; +font-size : 8pt; +} +.poem { +margin-left : 10%; +margin-right : 10%; +margin-bottom : 1em; +text-align : left; +} +.poem .stanza { +margin : 1em 0; +} +.poem p { +margin : 0; +padding-left : 3em; +text-indent : -3em; +} +.poem p.i2 { +margin-left : 1em; +} +.poem p.i4 { +margin-left : 2em; +} +.poem p.i6 { +margin-left : 3em; +} +.poem p.i8 { +margin-left : 4em; +} +.poem p.i10 { +margin-left : 10em; +} +.figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft { +padding : 1em; +margin : 0; +text-align : center; +font-size : 0.8em; +} +.figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img { +border : none; +margin-bottom : 1em; +} +.figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p { +margin : 0; +text-indent : 1em; +} +.figcenter { +margin : auto; +} +.figright { +float : right; +} +.figleft { +float : left; +} +--> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12232 ***</div> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 156.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>May 28, 1919.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page413" id="page413"></a>[pg +413]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/413.png"><img width="100%" src="images/413.png" alt= +'"AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".' /></a> +<h3>"AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".</h3> + +<table width="80%" summary="caption"> +<tr> +<td align="left">ONCE UPON A TIME.</td> +<td> </td> +<td>TO-DAY.</td> +</tr> +</table> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost +Germany the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost +certain to provoke further recriminations among the German High +Command.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>After all, the War <i>may</i> have wakened a new spirit in the +nation. Up to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner +mint-sauce.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the +cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a +march-past could easily be arranged.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate +during the Peace celebrations. The present price of +one-and-sixpence per kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits +anything like deep-seated festivity.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish +a weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a +little light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that +he had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare +that this is at least three feet over proof.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton +Dr. ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various +articles of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only +such socks as do not require muffling will be worn.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has +since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the +encyclopaedia.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of +the delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly +realise the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could +come to grips, in the event of a War between these two countries, +without infringing the laws of neutrality.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on +May 28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news +for those who have mining shares there.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says +<i>The Shoe and Leather Trades Record</i>. Smith minor talks of +migrating to the Orient.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in +some parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to +them.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have +refused to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat +that developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed +eight times, and it is expected that its final execution will have +taken place by the time this appears in print.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled. +Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to +work off arrears of fires in strict rotation.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the +church exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't +worry about getting people out of church so long as we got them +in.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour +of smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could +be made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and +then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook +the unfortunate man for an intending fare.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution +calling on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop +the Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release +conscientious objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia +is being much commented on.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable +disease.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" id="page414"></a>[pg +414]</span> +<h2>A SPRING IDYLL.</h2> +<p>If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties +to Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff +with gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early +victim. When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of +fossilized soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical +odour, and postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet +began to make inquiries.</p> +<p>"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la +République," reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and +as much as he can borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to +her."</p> +<p>There was a period of regular visits and intense literary +activity on the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden +disappearance of Mam'zelle and an endeavour by the disconsolate +swain to liquidate his debts in kind.</p> +<p>"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another +three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake +of vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight."</p> +<p>"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented +fly-paper. Have you frightened her away?"</p> +<p>"She's been <i>swept</i> away on a flood of my eloquence," said +Ronnie sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought +enough pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and +enough soap to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad; +lathers well if you soak it in hot water overnight."</p> +<p>"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the +conversation out of commercial channels.</p> +<p>"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic +leaning over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much +progress as a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and +scent instead of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me, +because one day she asked if I would translate an English letter +she'd received into French.</p> +<p>"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my +strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from +a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted +Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I +offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of +letter-paper for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike +translation.</p> +<p>"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it +in, but on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much +good. And next day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter +to translate, this time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I +discovered, was a sapper who'd been transferred to Boulogne and, +judging by his hand, was better with a shovel than a pen. As an +amateur in style I couldn't translate his drivel word for word. +Like <i>Cyrano</i>, the artist in me rose supreme, and I manicured +and curled his letter, painted and embroidered it, and nearly +finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of 'Herbert.'</p> +<p>"She was quite surprised when she read the translation.</p> +<p>"<i>'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas</i>?' said she, kissing it and +stuffing it away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in +French, 'that the dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw +my error. I had made a probable of a horse that hadn't previously +got an earthly. So, to adjust things, I refrigerated the next +letter—which happened to be from 'Orace—to the +temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the consequence was +that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me for three +whole days.</p> +<p>"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When +'Orace or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but +when their love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor +Ronnie. Any advances on my own part were countered with sales of +soap, customers apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to +bide my time.</p> +<p>"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived +simultaneously, and were duly handed to the fourth party for +necessary action. It occurred to me that when the time came for me +to enter the race on my own behalf I need have little fear of +'Erbert as a rival, so I determined to cut 'Orace out of the +running.</p> +<p>"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts, +spun out the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to +work on 'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on +and made a symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling +melody—blue skies, yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with +Georgette perched like a sugar goddess on a silver cloud and +'Erbert trying to clamber up to her on a silk ladder. To read it +would have made a Frenchman proud of his own language. Then, for +dramatic effect, I took the letters, put them on the counter and +walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I, 'will do 'Orace's +business—and then for 'Erbert!'</p> +<p>"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found +that her place behind the counter was taken by that little +red-haired Celestine.</p> +<p>"'Where's Georgette?' said I.</p> +<p>"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to +yourself, this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit, +sent her yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed +to read it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment. +<i>"Le pauvre garçon!"</i> cried Georgette, "his passion is +so strong he cannot find words for it. He is stricken dumb with +excess of feeling. I must be at his side to comfort him." And she +has flown like the wind to Calais, that she may be affianced to +him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the soap I know the kind you +prefer.'</p> +<p>"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love +and money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of +post-cards."</p> +<hr /> +<h2>SONGS OF SIMLA.</h2> +<p class="center">I.—THE BUREAUCRAT.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Along a narrow mountain track</p> +<p class="i2">Stalking supreme, alone,</p> +<p>Head upwards, hands behind his back,</p> +<p class="i2">He swings his sixteen stone.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Quit of the tinsel and the glare</p> +<p class="i2">That lit his forbears' lives,</p> +<p>His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear</p> +<p class="i2">The burden that was CLIVE'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A man of few and simple needs</p> +<p class="i2">He smokes a briar—and yet</p> +<p>His rugged signature precedes</p> +<p class="i2">The half an alphabet.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Across these green Elysian slopes</p> +<p class="i2">The Secretariat gleams,</p> +<p>The playground of his youthful hopes,</p> +<p class="i2">The workshop of his schemes.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>He sees the misty depths below,</p> +<p class="i2">Where plain and foothills, meet,</p> +<p>And smiles a wistful smile to know</p> +<p class="i2">The world is at his feet;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To know that England calls him back;</p> +<p class="i2">To know that glory's path</p> +<p>Is leading to a <i>cul de sac</i></p> +<p class="i2">In Cheltenham or Bath;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To know that all he helped to found,</p> +<p class="i2">The India of his prayers,</p> +<p>Has now become the tilting ground</p> +<p class="i2">Of MILL-bred doctrinaires.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But his the inalienable years</p> +<p class="i2">Of faith that stirred the blood,</p> +<p>Of zeal that won through toil and tears,</p> +<p class="i2">And after him—the flood.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">J.M.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Our Feminine Athletes.</h4> +<p>"Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.—Apply personally, Mrs. +——, Oddfellows' Arms."—<i>Provincial +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" id="page415"></a>[pg +415]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/415.png"><img width="100%" src="images/415.png" alt= +"THE GREAT RENUNCIATION." /></a> +<h3>THE GREAT RENUNCIATION.</h3> +PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE +OF BEAUTY."<br /> +[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to +accept a mandate for Constantinople.]</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" id="page416"></a>[pg +416]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/416.png"><img width="100%" src="images/416.png" alt= +"PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN." /> +</a> +<p>PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS ITS WAY +TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN.</p> +<p><i>Char</i>. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE. +I CAN'T ABIDE 'EM."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2> +<p class="center">PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS.</p> +<p class="author"><i>Park Lane</i>.</p> +<p>DEAREST DAPHNE,—Already everyone's got peace-strain and +what state we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I +haven't the dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean +to celebrate it, and when they find that other people have the same +ideas and mean to do the same things at the same time there are +alarums and excursions, and things are said, and quite several +people who were dear friends during the War don't speak now owing +to the peace!</p> +<p><i>Par exemple</i>, marches and processions being so much in the +air, I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt +knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We +Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed +in white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being +arranged at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I +found that Beryl Clarges had <i>stolen my idea</i> and was +arranging a "Crochet Peace Procession," with an immense gilt +crochet-hook to be carried in front, and a banner with some +nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a triumphal car +dressed in crochet!</p> +<p>I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to +her.</p> +<p>Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd +settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures, +and all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but +I'm giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the +silliness and selfishness of everybody.</p> +<p>Talking of dances, one's getting a bit +<i>dégoûtée</i> of Jazz bands and steps. When +<i>ces autres</i> get hold of anything it always begins to leave +off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace +Leap, that hasn't yet been quite <i>usé</i> and spoilt by +the outlying tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy +Havilland was at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where +people fly out of their seats to one-step and two-step between the +courses and during the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy +was eating his fish the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger, +"She's corns on her toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish, +jumped up and began to dance. <i>Of course</i> several fish-bones +flew down his throat, and while he was choking he did such fearful +and wonderful things that the whole room, not dreaming the poor +dear was at his <i>dernier soupir</i>, broke out clapping and +shouting and then imitated him, and by the time Chippy felt better +he found himself famous and everybody doing the Peace Leap, which +has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's Prowl and +everything else.</p> +<p>Oh, my dearest, who <i>do</i> you think are among the crowd of +married people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving +partnership? The Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The +<i>flitchiest</i> of Dunmow Flitch pairs! The <i>turtlest</i> of +turtle—doves! Whenever people spoke of marriage as played out +other people always weighed in with, "Well, but look at the Algy +Mallowdenes."</p> +<p>They married on war-bread and <span class="pagenum"><a name= +"page417" id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span> Government cheese and +kisses (unrationed). Seriously, though, <i>m'amie</i>, I believe +they'd scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as +Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the +No-Use-Coming-Here Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a +staff of servants were allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to +have a ball-room built, and Algy said he simply <i>must</i> have a +billiard-room and smoke-room added, one of those fearful red-flag +creatures got up in the House just as the money was going to be +voted and made such an uproar that the matter was dropped.</p> +<p>And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here +Office, Algy began to write novels and found himself at once. +You've read some of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear. +Every kind of world while you wait, the upper, the under, and the +half. Lallie was very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I +believe she said wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so +much about this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy +made answer: "Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's +temperament."</p> +<p>By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the +Umpty Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those +people, you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never +mentioned). And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official +residence of the Permanent Irremovable Assistant +Under-Secretary.</p> +<p>"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's +not as a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her +that I talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like +that is a <i>sine quâ non</i> in a novel of the Modernist +school."</p> +<p>But Lallie <i>couldn't</i> see the dif between a man and a +novelist, and Algy <i>couldn't</i> write his best seller without +studying its heroine, and so—and so—at last our poor +prize couple are in that long list that an overworked judge +complained of the other day. And if you ask for the moral I suppose +it's "Don't try to study character where there isn't any."</p> +<p>This is emphatically a season for <i>arms</i>, my Daphne, which +seems quite a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures +don't count; it's the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm! +There are all sorts of stunts for attracting attention to round +white arms, and if one has the other kind one had better go and do +a rest-cure. Your Blanche is beyond criticism in that respect, as +you know, and the other night at the opera I'd a <i>succès +fou</i> with a big black-enamel beetle, held in place by an +invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm.</p> +<p>Lady Manoeuvrer is simply <i>ravie de joie</i> at the rage for +arms, for her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the +only clever one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the +best arms of the whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's +course, "The Fascination of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers +about from morn to night, poor child, till she sometimes does a +small weep from sheer exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races, +in a no-sleeved coatee with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in +full gallop on her upper arm, she attracted plenty of attention and +had two offers, I hear. Arms and the man, again!</p> +<p><i>À propos</i>, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd +sent a thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of +you!" I said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No, +dearest," she whispered; "for the restoration of the London +Season!"</p> +<p class="center">Ever +thine, BLANCHE.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/417.png"><img width="100%" src="images/417.png" alt= +"TWO STRAPS, 'AMMERSMITH." /></a> <i>Tube Habitué (homeward +bound).</i> "TWO STRAPS, 'AMMERSMITH."</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"LETTS TAKE RIGA."</p> +<p><i>Daily Mail.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Yes, and let's keep it.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" id="page418"></a>[pg +418]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/418.png"><img width="100%" src="images/418.png" alt= +"TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET." /></a> +<p><i>Manager (introducing music-hall turn).</i> "LADIES AND +GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING +CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY +QUESTION THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM."</p> +<p><i>Voice from Gallery</i>. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO +LET."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>MURMAN AMENITIES.</h2> +<p>This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the +awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his +surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the +sympathetic heart of the public and at the same time to have +enthralled the student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic +detail. While embodying all the best-known newspaper +<i>clichés</i> appropriated to these latitudes it was to +have included others specially and laboriously prepared after a +fascinating study of Arctic literature.</p> +<p>But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the +article it was to have been will never be written, the telling +word-pictures designed on board the transport never executed.</p> +<p>Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the +Murman base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of +peril and of hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out +o' mornings, to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle +to suck, the longest candle to chew—found themselves billeted +in a room which the landladies of home would delight to advertise! +Its walls were hung with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half +their horror; it was encumbered with countless frail chairs and +"kiggly" tables, and upon every flat surface had settled a swarm of +albums, framed photographs, china dogs, wax flowers, +penholder-stands, and all the choicest by-products of civilization +struggling towards culture. As we were not to be frozen by exposure +or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might reasonably have +expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but even this +consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that the English +are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it +unlit.</p> +<p>When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits, +the aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or +foe we could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before +wax-flowers and fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and +knick-knacks, and all felt that to encounter such things within the +Arctic Circle was an unfair test of our fortitude. Why had not the +War Office or some newspaper correspondent warned us?</p> +<p>Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour; +or perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed +no reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and +rapidly had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll +about the floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet +tackle that crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished +artificial fauna and flora.</p> +<p>Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady +approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare +bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the +eccentricities of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal +what might be termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives +echo our words of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on +Russian, they are simply imitating the sounds we make under the +impression that they are learning a little English.</p> +<p>More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of +military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor +any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon +certain points which we have here to consider every day. For +example, if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street, +maintaining his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each +hand, meets a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should +happen? What <i>does</i> happen we know by demonstration: the +subaltern brandishes both sticks round his head, slides forward +five yards, smartly crosses the points of his ski and then, +plunging forward, buries his head in the wayside drift, while the +General Officer sits down and says what he thinks. But we do not +know if these gestures of natural courtesy are such as our mentors +would approve. No authority has set up for us any ideal in such +matters. From official rules of deportment the British soldier +knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse, +mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has +been made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are +at large in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the +light of nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior +officers as our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and +permit.</p> +<p>Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who +in the late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite +colour, no matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most +fancied, and any old variety of hat they thought becoming, are +shocked by the fantastic kit that is countenanced in this latitude. +It must be borne in mind that most of us are old campaigners and +old nomads whose tailors have grown accustomed to build us +appropriate gear for various climes. Fashions for fighting in +France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained a hold upon our +affections, to say nothing of those <span class="pagenum"><a name= +"page419" id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span> designs for civil +breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street, +Kirkcaldy or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well +out of A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked. +Thus the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a +busby, an ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting +stockings and Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of +one officer's make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers, +or sharp-toothed Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather +jerkin; or the choice flowers of Savile Row associated with +Canadian moccasins.</p> +<p>What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward +appearance of the typical British officer? How will the little +Lapps, befurred and smiling, who come sliding to market behind the +trotting reindeer, report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In +any case I hope we shall found a legend of a well-meaning if +peculiar and patchwork people.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/419.png"><img width="100%" src="images/419.png" alt= +"SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES." /></a> +<p><i>British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of +woad, to visitor).</i> "I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE +YOU TILL HE'S DRY."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas engine and +exhauster; 50<i>s</i>. per week of seven 12-hour +shifts."—<i>Advt. in Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems +superfluous.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY.</h3> +<p>The readers of the Personal Column of <i>The Times</i> were +lately refreshed by the following entry:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">"Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note +that though it may be a custom on his own course to pocket +golf-balls on the fairway, it is not done elsewhere."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and +regret, for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold +uses; but as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic +thing is that up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese +hat has made no reply. Either it does not read <i>The Times</i> or +it has been rendered speechless. We were longing for some +first-class recriminations.</p> +<p>The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we +are liable to find this:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that, +though it may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of +others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White Sale at +Blankridge's is not the thing.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>And again:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">The female with a red parasol, who thought it her +duty to struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus, +opposite the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to +three, may be interested in learning that the service is not run +solely for her.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like +this may be looked for:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and +neglected wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume +dining at home only on condition that the table was laid as it is +laid in <i>The Good-Humoured Ladies</i>?</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h3>BEFORE.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Before I was a little girl I was a little bird,</p> +<p>I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a +word;</p> +<p>But all about the woods I went and up into the sky—</p> +<p>And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing</p> +<p>Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring;</p> +<p>But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew</p> +<p>I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="center">R. F.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>More Dillydallying.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes between members +of the League, then meditation by the Council."—<i>Liverpool +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" id="page420"></a>[pg +420]</span> +<h2>THE TREACHEROUS SON.</h2> +<p>I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet +village that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic +peace of my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this +pleasant sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden +fruit-trees, creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I +became aware that a pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama +was in progress within fifty yards from my open windows. I +discovered a son in the act of encouraging his aged and apparently +imbecile parent to gamble with a professional swindler! Not that I +have actually seen them thus engaged. As a matter of fact I have +merely heard a few short remarks—and those were all spoken by +the son. But, as everyone knows, even a single sentence +accidentally overheard by an observant stranger may give him a +clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen, speaker's +character than could be gained from countless chapters of a modern +analytical novel.</p> +<p>So these four sentences were quite enough for <i>me</i>. Perhaps +I should mention here that the three personages in this drama are +birds—which makes it all the more painful.</p> +<p>Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally +drops into English, or I should never have understood what was +going on. He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because +I know all <i>their</i> remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M. +heard them he would probably tell me they were those of a +"Blackman's Warbler," and I should have believed him—once. +Hardly now, after he has so airily exposed his title as an +authority; but even as it is I should not dream of questioning his +statement that "the egg of course is rather more speckled," because +I can well believe that the egg this bird—whatever he +is—came from was very badly speckled indeed.</p> +<p>It seems that, some time ago—I can't say when exactly, but +it was before I came down here—this unnatural son introduced +to the parental abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a +row of young chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more +than dubious reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to +put up for the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I +said, I have neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's +<i>there</i>. I am unable to give the precise date on which he +first led the conversation to the good old English game of "rigging +the thimble"—that also was before I came. All I can state +with certainty is that he interested his host in it so effectually +that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all day long.</p> +<p>This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause +which invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the +father-bird (if he would only speak up—which he doesn't) +quavering, "I'm not sure, my boy, I'm not <i>sure</i>, but I've a +notion that, <i>this</i> time, he's left the pea under the +<i>middle</i> thimble—eh?"</p> +<p>On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere, +pipes out, "There it <i>is</i>, Fa-ther, there it <i>is</i>, +Fa-ther!" with an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt +that is simply indescribable, being indeed too revolting for +words.</p> +<p>Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some +observations which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the +fairness of the game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty +that the luck must turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts +him—this time in plain English—to "be a bird." +Whereupon the doting old parent decides that he <i>will</i> be a +bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I hear the +son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '<i>e</i>'s got +it; no, '<i>e</i>'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory +concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am +not suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping +their "h's"—but <i>this</i> one does. There are times when he +is so elated by his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an +outburst of inarticulate devilry. And so the game goes on, minute +after minute, hour after hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The +amount of grains or grubs or whatever the stakes may be (and it is +not likely that any rook would play for love), that that old idiot +must have lost even since I have been here, is beyond all +calculation. He has never once been allowed to spot the right +thimble, but he <i>will</i> go on. As to the son's motive in +permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you +possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it +had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous +arrangement.</p> +<p>Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the +unnatural offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it +have dawned at last upon his parent that this is one of those +little games where the odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the +Table? Or can the son have sickened of his own villainy and washed +his claws of his shady confederate? I don't know why, but I am +almost beginning to hope.... No; through the open window comes the +well-known cry, "There it <i>is</i>, Fa-ther! There it <i>is</i>, +Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a <i>bird</i>!... No, '<i>e</i>'s got it! +No, '<i>e</i>'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it +again!</p> +<p class="author">F.A.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>A SHADY TENANT.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">[From inquiries made by a <i>Daily Chronicle</i> +representative it appears that the present demand for housing +accommodation is such that people no longer draw the line at +ghosts.]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The problem at last is a thing of the past;</p> +<p class="i2">Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest;</p> +<p>We can put up the banns and make definite plans,</p> +<p class="i2">For the love-birds will soon have a nest.</p> +<p>I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat</p> +<p class="i2">In which we are destined to dwell,</p> +<p>And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt</p> +<p class="i2">It will suit us exceedingly well.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't</p> +<p class="i2">Have perfection, as you are aware,</p> +<p>And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house</p> +<p class="i2">Is both damp and in need of repair.</p> +<p>I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore;</p> +<p class="i2">I discovered the latter to be</p> +<p>That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain</p> +<p class="i2">By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime,</p> +<p class="i2">But the victim's intangible shade</p> +<p>Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say,</p> +<p class="i2">In diaphanous garments arrayed.</p> +<p>In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom</p> +<p class="i2">She's appearing once nightly, it seems,</p> +<p>And the listener quails as lugubrious wails</p> +<p class="i2">Are succeeded by agonised screams.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause</p> +<p class="i2">No concern; I am certain that you</p> +<p>Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice</p> +<p class="i2">In the thought that our haven's in view.</p> +<p>In the likely event of your mother's descent</p> +<p class="i2">There's the warmest of welcomes in store,</p> +<p>And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide</p> +<p class="i2">That indelible stain on the floor.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" id="page421"></a>[pg +421]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/421.png"><img width="100%" src="images/421.png" alt= +"A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION." /></a> +<h3>A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page422" id="page422"></a>[pg +422]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/422.png"><img width="100%" src="images/422.png" alt= +"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?" /></a> +<p><i>Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony).</i> +"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE NEW ARM.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(On perceiving William in mufti again and +carrying one.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What is this implement of warfare, Bill?</p> +<p class="i2">What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers?</p> +<p>Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill,</p> +<p class="i2">Doing it first by numbers.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Not a grenade and not a parachute?</p> +<p class="i2">Some remnant rather of the ancient folly,</p> +<p>Some touch of times before the Big Dispute?</p> +<p class="i2">I have it now! A brolly.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent,</p> +<p class="i2">Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious.</p> +<p>Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent.</p> +<p class="i2">How splendid! And how curious!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Do it again, Bill. I am better now;</p> +<p class="i2">Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled.</p> +<p>Press on the little clutch and show me how</p> +<p class="i2">The parts are reassembled.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To think men poked these things into the sky,</p> +<p class="i2">Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles,</p> +<p>Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I</p> +<p class="i2">Forgot there were such articles.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>It brings the old times back to one again,</p> +<p class="i2">The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's +dolours</p> +<p>Doing their very best to drip the rain</p> +<p class="i2">Down other people's collars;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome;</p> +<p class="i2">The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas;</p> +<p>The rapture when you found on reaching home</p> +<p class="i2">Your gamp was someone else's.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O symbol of routine and office hours!</p> +<p class="i2">O emblem of the soft civilian status!</p> +<p>Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers</p> +<p class="i2">With such an apparatus?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Shall I consent to grasp within my hand</p> +<p class="i2">The sign of serfdom and to get the habit</p> +<p>Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand,</p> +<p class="i2">A mushroom on a rabbit?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Never. O hateful sight! And yet—and yet</p> +<p class="i2">I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one;</p> +<p>June will most probably be beastly wet;</p> +<p class="i2">P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">EVOE.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>East is East.</h4> +<p>"The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was married +this month to Corporal ——. We wish them all +happiness."—<i>Diocesan Magazine (India).</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Corporal —— appears to be a specialist.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old +régime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of +some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."—<i>Canadian +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>EX-KAISER (<i>loq</i>.): "No, thanks; I've had some."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.—Most beautiful city in England. Good +lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."—<i>Advt. +in Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational +establishment in connection with the place.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Our Helpful Contemporaries.</h4> +<p>"There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a +person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but +it has always been suspected that this was due to greater +uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he is +standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be +given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head really +requires a larger hat it must be because the head is +larger."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page423" id="page423"></a>[pg +423]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/423.png"><img width="100%" src="images/423.png" alt= +"HONOUR SATISFIED." /></a> +<h3>HONOUR SATISFIED.</h3> +<p>GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! <i>(Aside)</i> AFTER +WHICH PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<!--Blank page 424--> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page425" id="page425"></a>[pg +425]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p><i>Monday, May 19th.</i>—The coalminers lately received +concessions in wages and hours that are going to cost the country +twenty millions sterling in the present financial year. The first +result of this boon (<i>teste</i> Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they +are turning out less coal per man than ever, and that the unhappy +consumer must look forward to a further reduction in his already +meagre ration. It is rather hard upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily +dilates in the Coal Commission upon the hardships of the miner's +life, that his clients should let him down like this.</p> +<p>For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is +that before British troops are sent to any new front the approval +of the House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if, +during his active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar +restriction on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the +gallant Commander himself would have been more pithy than +Parliamentary.</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"><a href= +"images/425-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/425-1.png" alt= +"LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS. " /></a>LADIES IN GOVERNMENT +MOTOR-CARS.<br /> +<i>General Seely.</i> "WELL, HARDLY EVER."</div> +<p>The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now +stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a +number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some +have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in +"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the +official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that +that never happens; though I think he added under his +breath—"well, hardly ever."</p> +<p>There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to +introduce the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a +pity, for he had a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and +told it very well. He was less successful on the subject of the +"national shipyards," which have cost four millions of money and in +two years have not succeeded in turning out a single completed +ship. With the wisdom that comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY +fulminated ferociously against the "superman" who had imposed this +"disastrous scheme" upon the country.</p> +<p>This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in +the most vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended +the scheme as being absolutely essential at the time it was +initiated. It was a war-time expedient, which changing +circumstances had rendered unnecessary; but if the War and the +U-boat campaign had gone on it might have been the salvation of the +country. After all you can't expect to have shipyards without +making a few slips.</p> +<p><i>Tuesday, May 20th.</i>—The advance of woman continues. +Very soon she will have her foot upon the first rung of the +judicial ladder, and be able to write J.P. after her name, for the +LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing out that in this matter the Government +were bound to honour the pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully +swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn +the prospective justicesses (if that is the right term) that, as +the Commissions of the Peace were already fully manned, it might be +some time before any large number of ladies could be added to the +roll of those who, in the words of the Prayer-book, "indifferently +administer justice."</p> +<p>Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the +Government a real service in the Commons. Every day since his +return from Paris Mr. BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as +to when, if ever, the House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace +terms, and has evaded a direct answer with more or less ingenuity. +This afternoon Mr. BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE +HOUSE had "nothing to add" to his previous replies, asked if he was +right in supposing that, when the Treaty came up for ratification, +the House must take it or leave it, and would have no power to +amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW joyfully jumped at the chance of +ending the daily catechism once for all. "That," he said, "exactly +represents the position, and I do not see in what other way any +Treaty could ever be arranged."</p> +<p>In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY +ARNOLD sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +that the income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining, +owing to the cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. +It costs six hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million. +Of course, he added, it costs more proportionately to collect small +amounts than large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by +one individual the cost of collection would be <i>nil</i>. One +imagined the CHANCELLOR on the eve of the Budget wishing, +<i>à la</i> NERO, that the whole of the British people had +but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply and as often as he +pleased.</p> +<p>The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the +proposed "levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who +already display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the +Labourites. After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH +spoke at Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about +the new nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing +either his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with +the suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the +subject.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page426" id="page426"></a>[pg +426]</span> +<p>The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the +amendment. He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting +the War Bond advertisements, which daily inform us that the +patriotic investor "will receive the whole of his money back with a +substantial premium."</p> +<p>The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred +"by Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected +aid of Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as +easily as the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly +asserted that the tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the +advance-guard of Protection, was in reality a very strong movement +towards Free Trade. Comforted by this authoritative declaration +Coalition Liberals helped the Government to defeat the amendment by +317 to 72.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href= +"images/425-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/425-2.png" alt= +"THE LONG PULL." /></a>THE LONG PULL.<br /> +MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.</div> +<p><i>Wednesday, May 21st.</i>—The Peers being as usual +rather short of work at this period of the Session, the LORD +CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill "to enable the Official Solicitor for +the time being to exercise powers and duties conferred on the +person holding the office of Official Solicitor."</p> +<p>The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the +effect that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating +revolutionary alterations at Hampton Court—in particular that +he was going to transform the famous pond-garden into something +quite different: a MOND-garden, in fact—are, it seems, +grossly exaggerated. All that he has done is to appoint a Committee +of experts to advise him what, if any, changes are desirable.</p> +<p>The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some +personal details. By way of showing that even without a levy on +capital the rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State, +Sir EDWARD CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he +immediately allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book +at only half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it +was five pounds"—and the House laughed loudly at such an +absurd supposition.</p> +<p>Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the +importance of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was +political rather than economical by the remark that if he was going +to be married—which he fervently hoped would not happen to +him—he would expect his mythical bride to value his +engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its sentimental +value.</p> +<p>A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in +the House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up +the debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading <i>nem. +con.</i></p> +<p><i>Thursday, May 22nd.</i>—The Ministry of Health Bill +came up for third reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by +the Government to provide the new Minister with an additional +Under-Secretary was heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being +appropriately enough one of the Tellers for the Opposition.</p> +<p>The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story +of an angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty +road to its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too +frequent notice, "Closed—No Beer," brought a most sympathetic +reply from Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a +believer in good beer myself," and later on announced that the +Government had decided to increase the output from twenty million +to twenty-six million standard barrels.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/426.png"><img width="100%" src="images/426.png" alt= +"HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN." /></a> +<p><i>Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz band for +some time).</i> "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S +ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page427" id="page427"></a>[pg +427]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/427.png"><img width="100%" src="images/427.png" alt= +"I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?" /></a> +<p><i>Farmer.</i> "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM THE +WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h3> +<p>The original answer to the question at the head of these +insignificant remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A +rose," said <i>Juliet</i>, "by any other name would smell as +sweet." But of course she was wrong. If a rose were handed to a +visitor in the garden, with the words, "Do see how wonderful this +onion is!" such a prejudice would be set up as fatally to impair +its fragrance. There is, in fact, much in a name; and therefore the +attempt of a correspondent of <i>The Daily Express</i> to find a +generic nomenclature for domestic servants should be given very +serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the objection felt by +so many women servants to being either called by Christian or +surname."</p> +<p>As a means of placating this very sensitive class the +correspondent writes:—</p> +<p>"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I +therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first +letter of the class. For example:—</p> +<table summary="names" width="40%" align="center"> +<tr> +<td>Lady's-maid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Louise.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Parlourmaid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Palmer.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Housemaid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Hannah.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>General</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Gertrude.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Scullerymaid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Sarah."</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if +it spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For +why confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids +are to be called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors +"Eddy" (very good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And +all London County Councillors, "Elsie"?</p> +<p>But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given. +"Palmer" for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce +the sound values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would +be better, or why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired +similarity with the new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help +transform domestic service to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah" +for "housemaid" is also wrong, although for "handmaid" it would be +good. On the analogy of "Palmer," why not call all housemaids +"How"? or even "House"?</p> +<p>If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English +housemaids? For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude"; +and for scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name; +there is a distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an +M.P. for Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be +offended.</p> +<p>It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or +calling, and others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our +gum-architect as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not +address a plumber as "Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might +be called Warner). We say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not +address an advocate as "Barrister." If we had a definite rule +everything would be simple, but as we have not it is necessary to +find several more names. I am not at all satisfied with <i>The +Daily Express's</i> test. For example, what would a second +parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be called +Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page428" id="page428"></a>[pg +428]</span> +<h2>RUS IN URBE.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a +titled lady took her tea with some friends on the footway at +Belsize Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by, however, +complained of the obstruction ... and, following representation to +the police by the public, the <i>al-fresco</i> tea-party was broken +up."—<i>Daily News</i>.]</p> +</blockquote> +<p>In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased +to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this +courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit.</p> +<p>On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of +passers-by was drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled +along the Strand by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke +of Sleepyacres. It appears that his Grace, on return from active +service, found that the confined air of an ordinary bed-room +engendered insomnia. He therefore conceived the idea of sleeping in +the open-air and caused his bed to be placed in the centre of the +Strand, opposite the entrance to the Savoy Hotel. The presence of +the sleeping nobleman might have been unnoticed, had not Mr. +SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way from dining after a +session of the Coal Commission. His eye was immediately caught by +the ducal crest on the panels of the bed. Suspicious that this was +a dastardly attempt on the part of a member of the landed classes +to obtain sleeping-rights in a public thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE +lodged a complaint with the police, and the Duke was removed to Bow +Street.</p> +<p>Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp +which has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at +the corner of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a +small and quite inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army +pattern bell-tent, a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our +representative recently visited the occupants to ascertain the +reason for their presence. After hastily declining an offer of a +glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over from France, he inquired with +polite interest whether his hosts contemplated a lengthy stay. They +replied that they did. They were waiting for their demobilisation +gratuities. The locality, they added, was a quiet one, where +advancing old age could be met in comfortable meditation. Also the +offices of Messrs. Cox, Box & Co., the Regimental Agents, were +in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the gratuities +could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the present the +police have not interfered with them, apparently taking them for +workmen employed in repairing the roadway.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<p class="center">"KISSING TIME."</p> +<p>For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the +atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is +perhaps rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on +the board; so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you +beforehand of the merits of their favourite brands.</p> +<p>I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am +unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I +am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary +I follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find +that it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly +again) to conclude that the fault lies with him and not with +myself.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:33%;"><a href= +"images/428.png"><img width="100%" src="images/428.png" alt= +"THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME." /></a>THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW +HOME.<br /> +<br /> +MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN +THEATRE.</div> +<p>But in the case of <i>Kissing Time</i>, after a rather dull +First Act, during which I kept telling myself that I was not +suffering from senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a +great measure justified of their elect. For one thing the authors, +taking a bold and original line (from the French), had produced a +coherent plot; and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I +understand to be the average in this kind. One expects, of course, +a little Cockney licence—"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's," +and so on—and a certain amount of popular banality, as in the +song, "Some Day" (rapturously approved); but there were excellent +verses on the text, "A woman has no mercy on a man," and, I doubt +not, much other good stuff which I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL, +who conducted (and was probably thinking more of his own pleasant +music than somebody else's words), did not make enough allowance +for my slowness in the up-take of patter.</p> +<p>Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when +the book has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him +for private developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and +confident. One easily understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE +ARNAUD, who was a little slow for the general pace, must, I think, +be more of an acquired taste.</p> +<p>Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound +work, and so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature. +Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the +old Middlesex a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden," +brought with him the traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm +personal welcome. I could bear him to be funnier than he was; but +as I'm sure that he's clever enough to be anything he likes I can +only assume that he wasn't really trying.</p> +<p>I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of +his, where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely, +even in the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our +discontent."</p> +<p class="author">O. S.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LAND OF MY DREAMS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I know a spot where balmy air and still</p> +<p class="i2">Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour</p> +<p class="i2">As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower,</p> +<p>He stretches idle limbs at ease until</p> +<p>The blessed peace about him calms his will</p> +<p class="i2">And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower,</p> +<p class="i2">Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour</p> +<p>Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill,</p> +<p class="i2">Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be</p> +<p>So strangely foolish as to heed her call,</p> +<p class="i2">Regardless of their true felicity....</p> +<p>Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all!</p> +<p>Afflict not one to this dear haven fled,</p> +<p>My private earthly paradise—my BED.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1<i>s</i>. 5-1/2<i>d</i>. +per hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need +apply."—<i>Country Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known +several who were most respectable.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page429" id="page429"></a>[pg +429]</span> +<h3>THE RENAISSANCE.</h3> +<p>The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities +of war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the +tree in early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable +results. Unable to rise any higher they are already contemplating +the heroic course of justifying their eminence by starting afresh +at the bottom of the ladder.</p> +<p>The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by +our Boy Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious +foresight which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD +recognises the impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved +when and if he leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior. +It is further rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his +august example. The atmosphere of the Bench is not always +exhilarating, and the salary is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism +doubtless also enters into their motives.</p> +<p>The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the +situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon be +released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent +energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of +commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the +demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great +shops and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been +higher. Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to +conquer. We can confidently look forward to the day when no shop +will be without its DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO. +Opportunities for employment on the stage are likely to be +multiplied by the alleged intention of several actor-managers to +enter Parliament, while others, nobly anxious to satisfy the claims +of youth, have expressed their resolve only to appear henceforth in +such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and outside shouts.</p> +<p>In the domain of letters some startling developments are also +threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his +refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his +opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future +exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of one +syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also +contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels, +beginning with <i>Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'</i>. Mr. SHAW'S fresh +start will be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to +Eton and Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at +our older Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted +in the French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a +commission in the Dutch mercantile marine.</p> +<p>The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of +speculation in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he +does not intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at +the Bar, but has resolved to return to his first +love—journalism. Sport is the only department in which the +ornate and orotund style of which Mr. ASQUITH is a master is still +in vogue, and the description of classic events in classical +diction will furnish him with a congenial opening for the exercise +of his great literary talent.</p> +<p>The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of +Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master +at St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known +to be considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the +Handel Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that, +according to a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just +completed a series of pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir +LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the +luncheon interval at the Coal Commission.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/429.png"><img width="100%" src="images/429.png" alt= +"EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?" /></a> +<p>"EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS ABOUT +HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page430" id="page430"></a>[pg +430]</span> +<h2>A SPORTING CHANCE.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat +you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly pivotal +when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at once.</p> +<p>Will you go back to the Governor's office?</p> +<p class="center">Yours +ever, GARRY NORTON.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Haven't the faintest; but before settling down +I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so as +to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better come with +me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to give old Cox a +run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean, that he's been +keeping for me).</p> +<p>If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean, and +we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast.</p> +<p class="center">Yours in +haste, ALEC RIDLEY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat +do you want—schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A +half-decker, or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite +instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid I +can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or incarnadine +the seas by yourself.</p> +<p class="center">Yours as +ever, GARRY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a +boat that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it has +a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's pantry so +much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of those nine months +at Basra last year with the flies.</p> +<p class="center"> +Yours, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I +doubt whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential +property.</p> +<p>I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit +of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told it's +very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of June.</p> +<p class="center">Yours +ever, GARRY NORTON.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—This is a top-hole place. To have got this +water for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler.</p> +<p>You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I +shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the river +banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my cast and I +can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can hear the click +of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I write, so the hooping +season has begun.</p> +<p>There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses +like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing about +at present.</p> +<p class="center">Yours +ever, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p class="center"><i>Postcard</i>.</p> +<p>Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as +poss. G. N.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about +mayflies now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or +two of the best chocolates. Having good sport.</p> +<p class="center">In haste for post,</p> +<p class="center">Yours, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special +chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's +Pharmacopoeia.</p> +<p>Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of +water.</p> +<p class="center">Yours as +usual, GARRY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other +day, and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the +Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and we have +had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven beauties +yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches.</p> +<p>Post just going out.</p> +<p class="center">Yours in +haste, ALEC.</p> +<p>P.S.—Another couple of pounds of chocs would be +useful.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—-Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I +shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of these +days.</p> +<p class="center"> +Yours, GARRY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the +water (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after +arriving.</p> +<p>Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside +whistling for me, so I must put the lid on.</p> +<p class="center"> +Yours, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a +fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching eleven +beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long. Some +trout—what? But why the terriers?</p> +<p class="center">Yours in darkness,</p> +<p class="author">GARRY NORTON.</p> +<br /> +<table summary="postcard" width="100%"> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="center"><i>Postcard</i>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><i>Rats</i>.</td><td align="center">ALEC.</td> +</tr> +</table> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>"When Greek Joins Greek."</h4> +<p>"The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks +forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has been +virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The reports says +the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid in looting imprisoned +Greeks hidden remotely."—<i>Egyptian Gazette</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h2>THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When first I joined the R.N.V.</p> +<p>And ventured out upon the sea,</p> +<p>The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties</p> +<p>Who guided me about my duties</p> +<p>Were wont to wink and chuckle if</p> +<p>I found the going rather stiff;</p> +<p>And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough,</p> +<p>My legs proved scarcely firm enough</p> +<p>To keep me yare and head-to-wind</p> +<p>The very nicest of them grinned.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Now times are changed, and here I am</p> +<p>Once more beside the brimming Cam,</p> +<p>Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs</p> +<p>Whirl madly by in punts and tubs,</p> +<p>Which they propel by strength of will</p> +<p>And muscle rather more than skill.</p> +<p>For (if one may be fairly frank)</p> +<p>They barge across from bank to bank,</p> +<p>With zig-zag motions, in and out,</p> +<p>As though torpedoes were about;</p> +<p>Whilst I with all an expert's ease</p> +<p>Glide by as gaily as you please,</p> +<p>Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts,</p> +<p>Perform accomplished super-stunts.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But do not think I jibe or jeer</p> +<p>However strangely they career.</p> +<p>In soothing accents, sweet as spice,</p> +<p>I offer them my best advice,</p> +<p>Or deftly show them how to plant a</p> +<p>Propulsive pole in oozy Granta,</p> +<p>Observing, "If you only knew it</p> +<p><i>This</i> is the proper way to do it;"</p> +<p>Till soon each watching Looty's face</p> +<p>Grows full of wonder at my grace,</p> +<p>And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys</p> +<p>Attempt to imitate my poise.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N.,</p> +<p>Thus by the Cam we meet again;</p> +<p>And, as in wilder sterner days,</p> +<p>We shared the ocean's dreary ways</p> +<p>In fellowship of single aim,</p> +<p>I never doubt we'll do the same</p> +<p>By sunny Cam in happier times;</p> +<p>And therefore, if through these my rhymes</p> +<p>Some gentle banter slyly flits,</p> +<p>Forgive me, Sirs—and call it quits.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>From a club journal:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a +change from a Trip to the River."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy +symptoms of the times in which we live.</p> +<hr /> +<p>From a report of the debate on the National +Shipyards:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking +increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase +this)."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page431" id="page431"></a>[pg +431]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/431.png"><img width="100%" src="images/431.png" alt= +"NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF AGAIN." /></a> +<p><i>Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for twenty +minutes).</i> "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF +AGAIN."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p>MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in +<i>Across the Stream</i> (MURRAY), a story on the very topical +subject of spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a +practised novelist, with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to +adorn, he has made a tale that is interesting throughout and here +and there aspires to real beauty of feeling; though not all the +writer's skill can disguise a certain want of unity in the natural +and supernatural divisions of his theme. The early part of the +book, which tells of the boyhood of <i>Archie</i> and the attempts +of his dead brother <i>Martin</i> to "get through" to him, are +admirably done. As always in these studies of happy and guarded +childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic, tender, +altogether winning. There was lung trouble in <i>Archie's</i> +record—<i>Martin</i> indeed had died of it (sometimes I +wonder whether any of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly +robust), and there is a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss +sanatorium, where the dead and living boys touch hands over the +little <i>cache</i> of childish treasure buried by the former +beneath a pine-tree in the garden. Later, when <i>Archie</i> had +recovered from his disease and grown to suitor's estate, I could +not but feel, despite the sardonically observed figure of +<i>Helena</i>, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him, that the +whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost interest +for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of +Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving +scenes in this latter part are those between <i>Archie</i> and his +father. I have seldom known a horrible situation handled with more +delicate art; it is for this, rather than for its slightly +unconvincing devilments, that I would give the book an honourable +place in the ranks of Bensonian romance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose <i>Mr. Sterling +Sticks it Out</i> (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the +form of a story the case of the conscientious objector of the +finest type, that, when we are able to think about this matter +calmly, we shall have considerable misgivings at least about +details in our treatment of this difficult problem. I also agree +that the officials of the Press Bureau don't come at all well out +of the correspondence which he prints in his preface, and, further, +that the Government ought to have had the courage to alter the law +allowing absolute exemption rather than stretch it beyond the +breaking point. But I emphatically dispute his assumption that the +matter was a simple one. It was not the saintly, single-minded and +sweet-natured C.O.'s of <i>Christopher Sterling's</i> type that +made the chief difficulty. There were few of this literal +interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty was created +by men of a very different character and in much greater numbers, +sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately and +unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and +making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It +would require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses +from strict equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is +unfair in its emphasis, but it is not <span class= +"pagenum"><a name="page432" id="page432"></a>[pg 432]</span> +fanatical or subversive, and I can see no decent reason why it +should have been banned. I certainly commend it to the +majority-minded as a wholesome corrective.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled +biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling +of disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the +biographer or in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge +between us, for <i>The New Elizabethans</i> (LANE) must certainly +be read, if only to understand clearly that there is no fault in +the heroes, at any rate. Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these +golden lads ... who first conquered their easier selves and +secondly led the ancestral generations into a joyous captivity" +(whatever that may mean), and maintains, against the father of one +of them apparently, that he is apt in the title he has given to +them and to their countless peers. I agree with the father and +think they deserve a new name of their own; such men as the +GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD HANKEY did +more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT, "the +Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised as +marking a production and a surprise of our own generation—the +"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally +reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel +that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant +"a selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great +war." Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons; +there should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the +dedication to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's +prose a certain affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter. +An instance is the reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation +of the quatrain:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Every day that passes</p> +<p class="i2">Filling out the year</p> +<p>Leaves the wicked Kaiser</p> +<p class="i2">Harder up for beer.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the +"Incorrigibles," doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word +"joyous."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I should certainly have supposed that recent history had +discounted popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in +other words, that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so +sensational a manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But +it appears that Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this +opinion. His latest story, <i>The Pester Finger</i> (SKEFFINGTON), +shows him as Ruritanian as ever. As usual we find that distressful +country, here called <i>Varavia</i>, in the throes of dynastic +upheaval, which centres, in a manner also not without precedent, in +the figure of a young and beautiful Princess. This lady, the last +of her race, had been adopted as ward—on, I thought, +insufficient introduction—by the hero, <i>Sir Francis +Vyse</i>. The situation was further complicated by the fact that in +his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have +prevented the murder of <i>Sonia's</i> august parents, and didn't. +Quite early I gave up counting how many times <i>Sir Francis</i> +and his fair ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and +generally knocked about. You never saw so convulsed a courtship; +for I will no longer conceal the fact that, when he was not more +strenuously engaged, he soon began to regard <i>Sonia</i> with a +softening eye. And as <i>Sonia</i> herself was growing up to +womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase, "muliebrity claimed +her definitely"—well, he is an enviable reader for whom the +last page will hold any considerable surprise.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to <i>A Naval Lieutenant, +1914-1918</i> (METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to +record his impressions of the "sea affair." He was in <i>H.M.S. +Southampton</i> during the earlier part of the War, and "on all the +four principal occasions when considerable German forces were +encountered in the North Sea, her guns were in action." Very +naturally he desired to do honour to this gallant light cruiser, +and I admire prodigiously the modest way in which he has done it. +"ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor of syntax might conceivably +be distressed by his confusion of prepositions; but apart from this +detail all is plain sailing—and fighting. I have read no more +thrilling account of the Battle of Jutland than is to be found +here. The author does it so well because he tells his story with +great simplicity and without what I believe he would call +"windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour, and would +even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if there +had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were +amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS OF INNOCENCE.</h3> +<p class="center">GOLF IN SPRINGTIME.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass,</p> +<p>Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play!</p> +<p>Now then, all together, boys—Me-e-eh!"</p> +<p>Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow,</p> +<p>Following your mothers, skipping as you go,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say!</p> +<p>Give it all together, boys—Me-e-e-eh!"</p> +<p>Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair,</p> +<p>Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day;</p> +<p>Once more let him have it, boys—Me-e-e-e-eh!"</p> +<p>Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew,</p> +<p>One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Every time I foozled they bleated with delight.</p> +<p>Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">ALGOL.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/432.png"><img width="100%" src="images/432.png" alt= +"BORROWED THUNDER." /></a> +<h3>BORROWED THUNDER.</h3> +<p>"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?"</p> +<p>"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR +TWO."</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12232 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12232-h/images/413.png b/12232-h/images/413.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ae007b --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/413.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/415.png b/12232-h/images/415.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..560b7b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/415.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/416.png b/12232-h/images/416.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4551d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/416.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/417.png b/12232-h/images/417.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..efa2b04 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/417.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/418.png b/12232-h/images/418.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..febf5ee --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/418.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/419.png b/12232-h/images/419.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3bb96d --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/419.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/421.png b/12232-h/images/421.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad21e88 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/421.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/422.png b/12232-h/images/422.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3912dcd --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/422.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/423.png b/12232-h/images/423.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..046f2e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/423.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/425-1.png b/12232-h/images/425-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..14dc390 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/425-1.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/425-2.png b/12232-h/images/425-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4ed8320 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/425-2.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/426.png b/12232-h/images/426.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5397017 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/426.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/427.png b/12232-h/images/427.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..89acf62 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/427.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/428.png b/12232-h/images/428.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6cf8191 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/428.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/429.png b/12232-h/images/429.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cac8a13 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/429.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/431.png b/12232-h/images/431.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e05bae --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/431.png diff --git a/12232-h/images/432.png b/12232-h/images/432.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..725a423 --- /dev/null +++ b/12232-h/images/432.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d247b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12232 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12232) diff --git a/old/12232-8.txt b/old/12232-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..05e08ea --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12232-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2224 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +May 28, 1919., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 28, 1919. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 1, 2004 [EBook #12232] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +May 28, 1919. + + + + + +[Illustration: "AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO". + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +TO-DAY.] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost Germany +the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost certain to +provoke further recriminations among the German High Command. + + *** + +After all, the War _may_ have wakened a new spirit in the nation. Up +to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner mint-sauce. + + *** + +A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the +cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a march-past +could easily be arranged. + + *** + +Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate during +the Peace celebrations. The present price of one-and-sixpence per +kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits anything like deep-seated +festivity. + + *** + +A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish a +weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a little +light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent. + + *** + +At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that he +had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare that +this is at least three feet over proof. + + *** + +As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton Dr. +ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various articles +of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only such socks as +do not require muffling will be worn. + + *** + +The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has +since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the +encyclopaedia. + + *** + +It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of the +delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly realise +the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could come to +grips, in the event of a War between these two countries, without +infringing the laws of neutrality. + + *** + +"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on May +28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news for +those who have mining shares there. + + *** + +There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says _The +Shoe and Leather Trades Record_. Smith minor talks of migrating to the +Orient. + + *** + +Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in some +parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to them. + + *** + +Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have refused +to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled. + + *** + +As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat that +developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed eight +times, and it is expected that its final execution will have taken +place by the time this appears in print. + + *** + +We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled. +Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to work +off arrears of fires in strict rotation. + + *** + +A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the church +exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't worry about +getting people out of church so long as we got them in. + + *** + +A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour of +smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could be +made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one. + + *** + +A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and +then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook the +unfortunate man for an intending fare. + + *** + +The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution calling +on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop the +Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release conscientious +objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia is being much +commented on. + + *** + +A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable +disease. + + * * * * * + +A SPRING IDYLL. + +If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties to +Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff with +gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early victim. +When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of fossilized +soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical odour, and +postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet began to make +inquiries. + +"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la République," +reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and as much as he can +borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to her." + +There was a period of regular visits and intense literary activity on +the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden disappearance of Mam'zelle +and an endeavour by the disconsolate swain to liquidate his debts in +kind. + +"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another +three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake of +vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight." + +"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented fly-paper. +Have you frightened her away?" + +"She's been _swept_ away on a flood of my eloquence," said Ronnie +sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought enough +pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and enough soap +to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad; lathers well if +you soak it in hot water overnight." + +"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the conversation +out of commercial channels. + +"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic leaning +over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much progress as +a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and scent instead +of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me, because one day +she asked if I would translate an English letter she'd received into +French. + +"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my +strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from +a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted +Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I +offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of letter-paper +for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike translation. + +"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it in, but +on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much good. And next +day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter to translate, this +time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I discovered, was a sapper +who'd been transferred to Boulogne and, judging by his hand, was +better with a shovel than a pen. As an amateur in style I couldn't +translate his drivel word for word. Like _Cyrano_, the artist in +me rose supreme, and I manicured and curled his letter, painted and +embroidered it, and nearly finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of +'Herbert.' + +"She was quite surprised when she read the translation. + +"_'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas_?' said she, kissing it and stuffing it +away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in French, 'that the +dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw my error. I had made +a probable of a horse that hadn't previously got an earthly. So, to +adjust things, I refrigerated the next letter--which happened to be +from 'Orace--to the temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the +consequence was that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me +for three whole days. + +"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When 'Orace +or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but when their +love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor Ronnie. Any +advances on my own part were countered with sales of soap, customers +apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to bide my time. + +"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived simultaneously, +and were duly handed to the fourth party for necessary action. It +occurred to me that when the time came for me to enter the race on +my own behalf I need have little fear of 'Erbert as a rival, so I +determined to cut 'Orace out of the running. + +"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts, spun out +the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to work on +'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on and made a +symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling melody--blue skies, +yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with Georgette perched like a +sugar goddess on a silver cloud and 'Erbert trying to clamber up to +her on a silk ladder. To read it would have made a Frenchman proud of +his own language. Then, for dramatic effect, I took the letters, put +them on the counter and walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I, +'will do 'Orace's business--and then for 'Erbert!' + +"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found +that her place behind the counter was taken by that little red-haired +Celestine. + +"'Where's Georgette?' said I. + +"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to yourself, +this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit, sent her +yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed to read +it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment. _"Le pauvre +garçon!"_ cried Georgette, "his passion is so strong he cannot find +words for it. He is stricken dumb with excess of feeling. I must be at +his side to comfort him." And she has flown like the wind to Calais, +that she may be affianced to him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the +soap I know the kind you prefer.' + +"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love and +money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of post-cards." + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF SIMLA. + +I.--THE BUREAUCRAT. + + Along a narrow mountain track + Stalking supreme, alone, + Head upwards, hands behind his back, + He swings his sixteen stone. + + Quit of the tinsel and the glare + That lit his forbears' lives, + His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear + The burden that was CLIVE'S. + + A man of few and simple needs + He smokes a briar--and yet + His rugged signature precedes + The half an alphabet. + + Across these green Elysian slopes + The Secretariat gleams, + The playground of his youthful hopes, + The workshop of his schemes. + + He sees the misty depths below, + Where plain and foothills, meet, + And smiles a wistful smile to know + The world is at his feet; + + To know that England calls him back; + To know that glory's path + Is leading to a _cul de sac_ + In Cheltenham or Bath; + + To know that all he helped to found, + The India of his prayers, + Has now become the tilting ground + Of MILL-bred doctrinaires. + + But his the inalienable years + Of faith that stirred the blood, + Of zeal that won through toil and tears, + And after him--the flood. + + J.M.S. + + * * * * * + + OUR FEMININE ATHLETES. + + "Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.--Apply personally, Mrs. + -----, Oddfellows' Arms."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT RENUNCIATION. + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE OF +BEAUTY." + +[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to +accept a mandate for Constantinople.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS +ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN. + +_Char_. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE. I CAN'T +ABIDE 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS. + +PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS. + +_Park Lane_. + +DEAREST DAPHNE,--Already everyone's got peace-strain and what state +we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I haven't the +dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean to celebrate it, +and when they find that other people have the same ideas and mean to +do the same things at the same time there are alarums and excursions, +and things are said, and quite several people who were dear friends +during the War don't speak now owing to the peace! + +_Par exemple_, marches and processions being so much in the air, +I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt +knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We +Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed in +white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being arranged +at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I found that +Beryl Clarges had _stolen my idea_ and was arranging a "Crochet Peace +Procession," with an immense gilt crochet-hook to be carried in front, +and a banner with some nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a +triumphal car dressed in crochet! + +I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to her. + +Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd +settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures, and +all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but I'm +giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the silliness and +selfishness of everybody. + +Talking of dances, one's getting a bit _dégoûtée_ of Jazz bands and +steps. When _ces autres_ get hold of anything it always begins to +leave off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace +Leap, that hasn't yet been quite _usé_ and spoilt by the outlying +tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy Havilland was +at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where people fly out of +their seats to one-step and two-step between the courses and during +the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy was eating his fish +the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger, "She's corns on her +toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish, jumped up and began to +dance. _Of course_ several fish-bones flew down his throat, and while +he was choking he did such fearful and wonderful things that the whole +room, not dreaming the poor dear was at his _dernier soupir_, broke +out clapping and shouting and then imitated him, and by the time +Chippy felt better he found himself famous and everybody doing the +Peace Leap, which has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's +Prowl and everything else. + +Oh, my dearest, who _do_ you think are among the crowd of married +people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving partnership? The +Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The _flitchiest_ of Dunmow Flitch +pairs! The _turtlest_ of turtle--doves! Whenever people spoke of +marriage as played out other people always weighed in with, "Well, but +look at the Algy Mallowdenes." + +They married on war-bread and Government cheese and kisses +(unrationed). Seriously, though, _m'amie_, I believe they'd +scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as Permanent +Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the No-Use-Coming-Here +Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a staff of servants were +allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to have a ball-room built, and +Algy said he simply _must_ have a billiard-room and smoke-room added, +one of those fearful red-flag creatures got up in the House just +as the money was going to be voted and made such an uproar that the +matter was dropped. + +And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here Office, +Algy began to write novels and found himself at once. You've read some +of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear. Every kind of world +while you wait, the upper, the under, and the half. Lallie was +very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I believe she said +wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so much about +this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy made answer: +"Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's temperament." + +By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the Umpty +Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those people, +you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never mentioned). +And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official residence of +the Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary. + +"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's not as +a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her that I +talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like that is a +_sine quâ non_ in a novel of the Modernist school." + +But Lallie _couldn't_ see the dif between a man and a novelist, and +Algy _couldn't_ write his best seller without studying its heroine, +and so--and so--at last our poor prize couple are in that long list +that an overworked judge complained of the other day. And if you ask +for the moral I suppose it's "Don't try to study character where there +isn't any." + +This is emphatically a season for _arms_, my Daphne, which seems quite +a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures don't count; it's +the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm! There are all sorts +of stunts for attracting attention to round white arms, and if one has +the other kind one had better go and do a rest-cure. Your Blanche is +beyond criticism in that respect, as you know, and the other night at +the opera I'd a _succès fou_ with a big black-enamel beetle, held in +place by an invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm. + +Lady Manoeuvrer is simply _ravie de joie_ at the rage for arms, for +her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the only clever +one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the best arms of the +whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's course, "The Fascination +of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers about from morn to +night, poor child, till she sometimes does a small weep from sheer +exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races, in a no-sleeved coatee +with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in full gallop on her upper +arm, she attracted plenty of attention and had two offers, I hear. +Arms and the man, again! + +_À propos_, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd sent a +thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of you!" I +said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No, dearest," she +whispered; "for the restoration of the London Season!" + +Ever thine, BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tube Habitué (homeward bound)._ "TWO STRAPS, +'AMMERSMITH."] + + * * * * * + + "LETTS TAKE RIGA." + + _Daily Mail._ + +Yes, and let's keep it. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Manager (introducing music-hall turn)._ "LADIES +AND GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING +CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTION +THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM." + +_Voice from Gallery_. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET."] + + * * * * * + +MURMAN AMENITIES. + +This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the +awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his +surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the sympathetic +heart of the public and at the same time to have enthralled the +student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic detail. While +embodying all the best-known newspaper _clichés_ appropriated to these +latitudes it was to have included others specially and laboriously +prepared after a fascinating study of Arctic literature. + +But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the article +it was to have been will never be written, the telling word-pictures +designed on board the transport never executed. + +Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the Murman +base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of peril and of +hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out o' mornings, +to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle to suck, the +longest candle to chew--found themselves billeted in a room which the +landladies of home would delight to advertise! Its walls were hung +with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half their horror; it was +encumbered with countless frail chairs and "kiggly" tables, and upon +every flat surface had settled a swarm of albums, framed photographs, +china dogs, wax flowers, penholder-stands, and all the choicest +by-products of civilization struggling towards culture. As we were not +to be frozen by exposure or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might +reasonably have expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but +even this consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that +the English are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it +unlit. + +When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits, the +aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or foe we +could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before wax-flowers and +fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and knick-knacks, and all felt +that to encounter such things within the Arctic Circle was an unfair +test of our fortitude. Why had not the War Office or some newspaper +correspondent warned us? + +Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour; or +perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed no +reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and rapidly +had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll about the +floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet tackle that +crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished artificial fauna +and flora. + +Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady +approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare +bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the eccentricities +of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal what might be +termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives echo our words +of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on Russian, they are +simply imitating the sounds we make under the impression that they are +learning a little English. + +More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of +military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor +any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon +certain points which we have here to consider every day. For example, +if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street, maintaining +his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each hand, meets +a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should happen? What +_does_ happen we know by demonstration: the subaltern brandishes both +sticks round his head, slides forward five yards, smartly crosses the +points of his ski and then, plunging forward, buries his head in the +wayside drift, while the General Officer sits down and says what he +thinks. But we do not know if these gestures of natural courtesy are +such as our mentors would approve. No authority has set up for us any +ideal in such matters. From official rules of deportment the British +soldier knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse, +mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has been +made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are at large +in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the light of +nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior officers as +our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and permit. + +Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who in the +late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite colour, no +matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most fancied, and any +old variety of hat they thought becoming, are shocked by the fantastic +kit that is countenanced in this latitude. It must be borne in mind +that most of us are old campaigners and old nomads whose tailors have +grown accustomed to build us appropriate gear for various climes. +Fashions for fighting in France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained +a hold upon our affections, to say nothing of those designs for civil +breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street, Kirkcaldy +or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well out of +A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked. Thus +the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a busby, an +ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting stockings and +Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of one officer's +make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers, or sharp-toothed +Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather jerkin; or the +choice flowers of Savile Row associated with Canadian moccasins. + +What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward appearance of +the typical British officer? How will the little Lapps, befurred and +smiling, who come sliding to market behind the trotting reindeer, +report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In any case I hope we shall +found a legend of a well-meaning if peculiar and patchwork people. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES. + +_British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of woad, +to visitor)._ + +"I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE YOU TILL HE'S DRY."] + + * * * * * + + "Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas + engine and exhauster; 50_s_. per week of seven 12-hour + shifts."--_Advt. in Daily Paper_. + +In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems superfluous. + + * * * * * + +NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY. + +The readers of the Personal Column of _The Times_ were lately +refreshed by the following entry:-- + + "Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note that though + it may be a custom on his own course to pocket golf-balls on + the fairway, it is not done elsewhere." + +For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and regret, +for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold uses; but +as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic thing is that +up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese hat has made no +reply. Either it does not read _The Times_ or it has been rendered +speechless. We were longing for some first-class recriminations. + +The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we are +liable to find this:-- + + Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that, though it + may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of + others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White + Sale at Blankridge's is not the thing. + +And again:-- + + The female with a red parasol, who thought it her duty to + struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus, opposite + the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to three, + may be interested in learning that the service is not run + solely for her. + +And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like this may +be looked for:-- + + Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and neglected + wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume dining at + home only on condition that the table was laid as it is laid + in _The Good-Humoured Ladies_? + + * * * * * + +BEFORE. + + Before I was a little girl I was a little bird, + I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a word; + But all about the woods I went and up into the sky-- + And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly? + + I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing + Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring; + But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew + I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you. + + R. F. + + * * * * * + + MORE DILLYDALLYING. + + "Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes + between members of the League, then meditation by the + Council."--_Liverpool Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THE TREACHEROUS SON. + +I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet village +that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic peace of +my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this pleasant +sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden fruit-trees, +creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I became aware that a +pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama was in progress within +fifty yards from my open windows. I discovered a son in the act of +encouraging his aged and apparently imbecile parent to gamble with +a professional swindler! Not that I have actually seen them thus +engaged. As a matter of fact I have merely heard a few short +remarks--and those were all spoken by the son. But, as everyone knows, +even a single sentence accidentally overheard by an observant stranger +may give him a clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen, +speaker's character than could be gained from countless chapters of a +modern analytical novel. + +So these four sentences were quite enough for _me_. Perhaps I should +mention here that the three personages in this drama are birds--which +makes it all the more painful. + +Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally drops +into English, or I should never have understood what was going on. +He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because I know all +_their_ remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M. heard them he +would probably tell me they were those of a "Blackman's Warbler," and +I should have believed him--once. Hardly now, after he has so airily +exposed his title as an authority; but even as it is I should not +dream of questioning his statement that "the egg of course is +rather more speckled," because I can well believe that the egg this +bird--whatever he is--came from was very badly speckled indeed. + +It seems that, some time ago--I can't say when exactly, but it was +before I came down here--this unnatural son introduced to the parental +abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a row of young +chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more than dubious +reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to put up for +the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I said, I have +neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's _there_. I am unable +to give the precise date on which he first led the conversation to the +good old English game of "rigging the thimble"--that also was before I +came. All I can state with certainty is that he interested his host in +it so effectually that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all +day long. + +This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause which +invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the father-bird (if +he would only speak up--which he doesn't) quavering, "I'm not sure, +my boy, I'm not _sure_, but I've a notion that, _this_ time, he's left +the pea under the _middle_ thimble--eh?" + +On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere, +pipes out, "There it _is_, Fa-ther, there it _is_, Fa-ther!" with +an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt that is simply +indescribable, being indeed too revolting for words. + +Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some observations +which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the fairness of the +game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty that the luck must +turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts him--this time in plain +English--to "be a bird." Whereupon the doting old parent decides that +he _will_ be a bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I +hear the son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '_e_'s got +it; no, '_e_'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory +concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am not +suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping their +"h's"--but _this_ one does. There are times when he is so elated by +his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an outburst of inarticulate +devilry. And so the game goes on, minute after minute, hour after +hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The amount of grains or grubs or +whatever the stakes may be (and it is not likely that any rook would +play for love), that that old idiot must have lost even since I have +been here, is beyond all calculation. He has never once been allowed +to spot the right thimble, but he _will_ go on. As to the son's motive +in permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you +possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it +had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous +arrangement. + +Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the unnatural +offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it have dawned at +last upon his parent that this is one of those little games where the +odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the Table? Or can the son +have sickened of his own villainy and washed his claws of his shady +confederate? I don't know why, but I am almost beginning to hope.... +No; through the open window comes the well-known cry, "There it _is_, +Fa-ther! There it _is_, Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a _bird_!... No, '_e_'s +got it! No, '_e_'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it again! + +F.A. + + * * * * * + +A SHADY TENANT. + + [From inquiries made by a _Daily Chronicle_ representative it + appears that the present demand for housing accommodation is + such that people no longer draw the line at ghosts.] + + The problem at last is a thing of the past; + Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest; + We can put up the banns and make definite plans, + For the love-birds will soon have a nest. + I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat + In which we are destined to dwell, + And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt + It will suit us exceedingly well. + + There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't + Have perfection, as you are aware, + And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house + Is both damp and in need of repair. + I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore; + I discovered the latter to be + That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain + By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three. + + Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime, + But the victim's intangible shade + Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say, + In diaphanous garments arrayed. + In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom + She's appearing once nightly, it seems, + And the listener quails as lugubrious wails + Are succeeded by agonised screams. + + But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause + No concern; I am certain that you + Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice + In the thought that our haven's in view. + In the likely event of your mother's descent + There's the warmest of welcomes in store, + And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide + That indelible stain on the floor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony)._ +"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW ARM. + +_(On perceiving William in mufti again and carrying one.)_ + + What is this implement of warfare, Bill? + What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers? + Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill, + Doing it first by numbers. + + Not a grenade and not a parachute? + Some remnant rather of the ancient folly, + Some touch of times before the Big Dispute? + I have it now! A brolly. + + Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent, + Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious. + Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent. + How splendid! And how curious! + + Do it again, Bill. I am better now; + Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled. + Press on the little clutch and show me how + The parts are reassembled. + + To think men poked these things into the sky, + Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles, + Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I + Forgot there were such articles. + + It brings the old times back to one again, + The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's dolours + Doing their very best to drip the rain + Down other people's collars; + + The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome; + The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas; + The rapture when you found on reaching home + Your gamp was someone else's. + + O symbol of routine and office hours! + O emblem of the soft civilian status! + Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers + With such an apparatus? + + Shall I consent to grasp within my hand + The sign of serfdom and to get the habit + Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand, + A mushroom on a rabbit? + + Never. O hateful sight! And yet--and yet + I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one; + June will most probably be beastly wet; + P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + EAST IS EAST. + + "The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was + married this month to Corporal ----. We wish them all + happiness."--_Diocesan Magazine (India)._ + +Corporal ---- appears to be a specialist. + + * * * * * + + "There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old + régime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of + some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."--_Canadian + Paper_. + +EX-KAISER (_loq_.): "No, thanks; I've had some." + + * * * * * + + "OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.--Most beautiful city in England. Good + lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."--_Advt. in + Provincial Paper_. + +We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational establishment +in connection with the place. + + * * * * * + + OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + + "There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a + person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but + it has always been suspected that this was due to greater + uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he + is standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be + given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head + really requires a larger hat it must be because the head is + larger."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONOUR SATISFIED. + +GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! _(Aside)_ AFTER WHICH +PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, May 19th._--The coalminers lately received concessions in +wages and hours that are going to cost the country twenty millions +sterling in the present financial year. The first result of this boon +(_teste_ Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they are turning out less coal +per man than ever, and that the unhappy consumer must look forward to +a further reduction in his already meagre ration. It is rather hard +upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily dilates in the Coal Commission upon the +hardships of the miner's life, that his clients should let him down +like this. + +For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is that +before British troops are sent to any new front the approval of the +House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if, during his +active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar restriction +on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the gallant Commander +himself would have been more pithy than Parliamentary. + +[Illustration: LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS. + +_General Seely._ "WELL, HARDLY EVER."] + +The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now +stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a +number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some +have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in +"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the +official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that that +never happens; though I think he added under his breath--"well, hardly +ever." + +There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to introduce +the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a pity, for he had +a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and told it very well. +He was less successful on the subject of the "national shipyards," +which have cost four millions of money and in two years have not +succeeded in turning out a single completed ship. With the wisdom that +comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY fulminated ferociously against +the "superman" who had imposed this "disastrous scheme" upon the +country. + +This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in the most +vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended the scheme +as being absolutely essential at the time it was initiated. It was +a war-time expedient, which changing circumstances had rendered +unnecessary; but if the War and the U-boat campaign had gone on it +might have been the salvation of the country. After all you can't +expect to have shipyards without making a few slips. + +_Tuesday, May 20th._--The advance of woman continues. Very soon she +will have her foot upon the first rung of the judicial ladder, and be +able to write J.P. after her name, for the LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing +out that in this matter the Government were bound to honour the +pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S +Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn the prospective justicesses +(if that is the right term) that, as the Commissions of the Peace were +already fully manned, it might be some time before any large number +of ladies could be added to the roll of those who, in the words of the +Prayer-book, "indifferently administer justice." + +[Illustration: THE LONG PULL. + +MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.] + +Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the Government a +real service in the Commons. Every day since his return from Paris Mr. +BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as to when, if ever, the +House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace terms, and has evaded +a direct answer with more or less ingenuity. This afternoon Mr. +BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE HOUSE had "nothing to +add" to his previous replies, asked if he was right in supposing that, +when the Treaty came up for ratification, the House must take it or +leave it, and would have no power to amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW +joyfully jumped at the chance of ending the daily catechism once for +all. "That," he said, "exactly represents the position, and I do not +see in what other way any Treaty could ever be arranged." + +In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY ARNOLD +sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER that the +income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining, owing to the +cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. It costs six +hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million. Of course, he +added, it costs more proportionately to collect small amounts than +large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by one individual +the cost of collection would be _nil_. One imagined the CHANCELLOR +on the eve of the Budget wishing, _à la_ NERO, that the whole of the +British people had but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply +and as often as he pleased. + +The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the proposed +"levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who already +display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the Labourites. +After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH spoke at +Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about the new +nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing either +his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with the +suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the subject. + +The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the amendment. +He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting the War Bond +advertisements, which daily inform us that the patriotic investor +"will receive the whole of his money back with a substantial premium." + +The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred "by +Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected aid of +Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as easily as +the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly asserted that the +tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the advance-guard of +Protection, was in reality a very strong movement towards Free Trade. +Comforted by this authoritative declaration Coalition Liberals helped +the Government to defeat the amendment by 317 to 72. + +_Wednesday, May 21st._--The Peers being as usual rather short of work +at this period of the Session, the LORD CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill +"to enable the Official Solicitor for the time being to exercise +powers and duties conferred on the person holding the office of +Official Solicitor." + +The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the effect +that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating revolutionary +alterations at Hampton Court--in particular that he was going to +transform the famous pond-garden into something quite different: a +MOND-garden, in fact--are, it seems, grossly exaggerated. All that he +has done is to appoint a Committee of experts to advise him what, if +any, changes are desirable. + +The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some personal +details. By way of showing that even without a levy on capital the +rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State, Sir EDWARD +CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he immediately +allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book at only +half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it was five +pounds"--and the House laughed loudly at such an absurd supposition. + +Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the importance +of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was political rather than +economical by the remark that if he was going to be married--which he +fervently hoped would not happen to him--he would expect his mythical +bride to value his engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its +sentimental value. + +A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in the +House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up the +debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading _nem. con._ + +_Thursday, May 22nd._--The Ministry of Health Bill came up for third +reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by the Government +to provide the new Minister with an additional Under-Secretary was +heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being appropriately enough one of the +Tellers for the Opposition. + +The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story of an +angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty road to +its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too frequent +notice, "Closed--No Beer," brought a most sympathetic reply from Mr. +GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a believer in good beer +myself," and later on announced that the Government had decided to +increase the output from twenty million to twenty-six million standard +barrels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz +band for some time)._ "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S +ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer._ "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM +THE WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + +The original answer to the question at the head of these insignificant +remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A rose," said +_Juliet_, "by any other name would smell as sweet." But of course she +was wrong. If a rose were handed to a visitor in the garden, with the +words, "Do see how wonderful this onion is!" such a prejudice would be +set up as fatally to impair its fragrance. There is, in fact, much +in a name; and therefore the attempt of a correspondent of _The Daily +Express_ to find a generic nomenclature for domestic servants should +be given very serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the +objection felt by so many women servants to being either called by +Christian or surname." + +As a means of placating this very sensitive class the correspondent +writes:-- + +"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I +therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first +letter of the class. For example:-- + + Lady's-maid Louise. + Parlourmaid Palmer. + Housemaid Hannah. + General Gertrude. + Scullerymaid Sarah." + +Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if it +spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For why +confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids are to be +called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors "Eddy" (very +good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And all London +County Councillors, "Elsie"? + +But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given. "Palmer" +for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce the sound +values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would be better, or +why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired similarity with the +new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help transform domestic service +to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah" for "housemaid" is also wrong, +although for "handmaid" it would be good. On the analogy of "Palmer," +why not call all housemaids "How"? or even "House"? + +If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English housemaids? +For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude"; and for +scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name; there is a +distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an M.P. for +Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be offended. + +It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or calling, and +others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our gum-architect +as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not address a plumber as +"Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might be called Warner). We +say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not address an advocate as +"Barrister." If we had a definite rule everything would be simple, but +as we have not it is necessary to find several more names. I am not at +all satisfied with _The Daily Express's_ test. For example, what would +a second parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be +called Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens. + + * * * * * + +RUS IN URBE. + + ["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a titled lady + took her tea with some friends on the footway at Belsize + Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by, + however, complained of the obstruction ... and, following + representation to the police by the public, the _al-fresco_ + tea-party was broken up."--_Daily News_.] + +In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased +to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this +courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit. + +On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of passers-by was +drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled along the Strand +by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke of Sleepyacres. It +appears that his Grace, on return from active service, found that the +confined air of an ordinary bed-room engendered insomnia. He therefore +conceived the idea of sleeping in the open-air and caused his bed to +be placed in the centre of the Strand, opposite the entrance to the +Savoy Hotel. The presence of the sleeping nobleman might have been +unnoticed, had not Mr. SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way +from dining after a session of the Coal Commission. His eye was +immediately caught by the ducal crest on the panels of the bed. +Suspicious that this was a dastardly attempt on the part of a +member of the landed classes to obtain sleeping-rights in a public +thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE lodged a complaint with the police, and the +Duke was removed to Bow Street. + +Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp which +has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at the corner +of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a small and quite +inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army pattern bell-tent, +a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our representative recently visited +the occupants to ascertain the reason for their presence. After +hastily declining an offer of a glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over +from France, he inquired with polite interest whether his hosts +contemplated a lengthy stay. They replied that they did. They were +waiting for their demobilisation gratuities. The locality, they added, +was a quiet one, where advancing old age could be met in comfortable +meditation. Also the offices of Messrs. Cox, Box & Co., the Regimental +Agents, were in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the +gratuities could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the +present the police have not interfered with them, apparently taking +them for workmen employed in repairing the roadway. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"KISSING TIME." + +For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the +atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is perhaps +rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on the board; +so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you beforehand of the +merits of their favourite brands. + +I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am +unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I +am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary I +follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find that +it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly again) to +conclude that the fault lies with him and not with myself. + +[Illustration: THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME. + +MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN +THEATRE.] + +But in the case of _Kissing Time_, after a rather dull First Act, +during which I kept telling myself that I was not suffering from +senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a great measure +justified of their elect. For one thing the authors, taking a bold +and original line (from the French), had produced a coherent plot; +and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I understand to be +the average in this kind. One expects, of course, a little Cockney +licence--"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's," and so on--and a certain +amount of popular banality, as in the song, "Some Day" (rapturously +approved); but there were excellent verses on the text, "A woman has +no mercy on a man," and, I doubt not, much other good stuff which +I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL, who conducted (and was probably +thinking more of his own pleasant music than somebody else's words), +did not make enough allowance for my slowness in the up-take of +patter. + +Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when the book +has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him for private +developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and confident. One easily +understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE ARNAUD, who was a little +slow for the general pace, must, I think, be more of an acquired +taste. + +Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound work, and +so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature. Mr. GEORGE +GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the old Middlesex +a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden," brought with him the +traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm personal welcome. I could +bear him to be funnier than he was; but as I'm sure that he's clever +enough to be anything he likes I can only assume that he wasn't really +trying. + +I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of his, +where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely, even in +the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our discontent." + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE LAND OF MY DREAMS + + I know a spot where balmy air and still + Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour + As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower, + He stretches idle limbs at ease until + The blessed peace about him calms his will + And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower, + Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour + Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill, + Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be + So strangely foolish as to heed her call, + Regardless of their true felicity.... + Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all! + Afflict not one to this dear haven fled, + My private earthly paradise--my BED. + + * * * * * + + "Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1s. 5-1/2d. per + hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need + apply."--_Country Paper._ + +Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known several +who were most respectable. + + * * * * * + +THE RENAISSANCE. + +The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities of +war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the tree in +early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable results. Unable +to rise any higher they are already contemplating the heroic course +of justifying their eminence by starting afresh at the bottom of the +ladder. + +The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by our Boy +Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious foresight +which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD recognises the +impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved when and if he +leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior. It is further +rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his august example. +The atmosphere of the Bench is not always exhilarating, and the salary +is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism doubtless also enters into +their motives. + +The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the +situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon +be released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent +energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of +commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the +demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great shops +and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been higher. +Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to conquer. We can +confidently look forward to the day when no shop will be without its +DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO. Opportunities for employment +on the stage are likely to be multiplied by the alleged intention +of several actor-managers to enter Parliament, while others, nobly +anxious to satisfy the claims of youth, have expressed their resolve +only to appear henceforth in such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and +outside shouts. + +In the domain of letters some startling developments are also +threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his +refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his +opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future +exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of +one syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also +contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels, +beginning with _Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'_. Mr. SHAW'S fresh start will +be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to Eton and +Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at our older +Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted in the +French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a commission in +the Dutch mercantile marine. + +The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of speculation +in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he does not +intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at the Bar, but +has resolved to return to his first love--journalism. Sport is the +only department in which the ornate and orotund style of which Mr. +ASQUITH is a master is still in vogue, and the description of classic +events in classical diction will furnish him with a congenial opening +for the exercise of his great literary talent. + +The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of +Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master at +St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known to be +considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the Handel +Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that, according to +a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just completed a series of +pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which +will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the luncheon interval at the +Coal Commission. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS +ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"] + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING CHANCE. + + DEAR ALEC,--Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat + you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly + pivotal when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at + once. + + Will you go back to the Governor's office? + + Yours ever, GARRY NORTON. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Haven't the faintest; but before settling down + I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so + as to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better + come with me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to + give old Cox a run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean, + that he's been keeping for me). + + If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean, + and we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast. + + Yours in haste, ALEC RIDLEY. + + + DEAR ALEC,--I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat do + you want--schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A half-decker, + or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite + instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid + I can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or + incarnadine the seas by yourself. + + Yours as ever, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a boat + that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it + has a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's + pantry so much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of + those nine months at Basra last year with the flies. Yours, + ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I doubt + whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential + property. + + I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit + of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told + it's very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of + June. + + Yours ever, GARRY NORTON. + + + DEAR GARRY,--This is a top-hole place. To have got this water + for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler. + + You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I + shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the + river banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my + cast and I can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can + hear the click of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I + write, so the hooping season has begun. + + There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses + like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing + about at present. + + Yours ever, ALEC. + + + _Postcard_. + + Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as poss. G. + N. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about mayflies + now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or two of + the best chocolates. Having good sport. + + In haste for post, + + Yours, ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special + chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's + Pharmacopoeia. + + Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of + water. + + Yours as usual, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other day, + and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the + Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and + we have had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven + beauties yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches. + + Post just going out. + + Yours in haste, ALEC. + + P.S.--Another couple of pounds of chocs would be useful. + + + DEAR ALEC,---Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I + shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of + these days. + + Yours, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the water + (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after arriving. + + Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside + whistling for me, so I must put the lid on. + + Yours, ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a + fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching + eleven beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long. + Some trout--what? But why the terriers? Yours in darkness, + + GARRY NORTON. + + + _Postcard_. + + _Rats_. + + ALEC. + + * * * * * + + "WHEN GREEK JOINS GREEK." + + "The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks + forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has + been virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The + reports says the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid + in looting imprisoned Greeks hidden remotely."--_Egyptian + Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE. + + When first I joined the R.N.V. + And ventured out upon the sea, + The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties + Who guided me about my duties + Were wont to wink and chuckle if + I found the going rather stiff; + And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough, + My legs proved scarcely firm enough + To keep me yare and head-to-wind + The very nicest of them grinned. + + Now times are changed, and here I am + Once more beside the brimming Cam, + Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs + Whirl madly by in punts and tubs, + Which they propel by strength of will + And muscle rather more than skill. + For (if one may be fairly frank) + They barge across from bank to bank, + With zig-zag motions, in and out, + As though torpedoes were about; + Whilst I with all an expert's ease + Glide by as gaily as you please, + Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts, + Perform accomplished super-stunts. + + But do not think I jibe or jeer + However strangely they career. + In soothing accents, sweet as spice, + I offer them my best advice, + Or deftly show them how to plant a + Propulsive pole in oozy Granta, + Observing, "If you only knew it + _This_ is the proper way to do it;" + Till soon each watching Looty's face + Grows full of wonder at my grace, + And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys + Attempt to imitate my poise. + + O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N., + Thus by the Cam we meet again; + And, as in wilder sterner days, + We shared the ocean's dreary ways + In fellowship of single aim, + I never doubt we'll do the same + By sunny Cam in happier times; + And therefore, if through these my rhymes + Some gentle banter slyly flits, + Forgive me, Sirs--and call it quits. + + * * * * * + +From a club journal:-- + + "Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a + change from a Trip to the River." + +This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy +symptoms of the times in which we live. + + * * * * * + +From a report of the debate on the National Shipyards:-- + + "'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking + increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase + this)."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for +twenty minutes)._ "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF +AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in +_Across the Stream_ (MURRAY), a story on the very topical subject of +spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a practised novelist, +with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to adorn, he has made a +tale that is interesting throughout and here and there aspires to real +beauty of feeling; though not all the writer's skill can disguise a +certain want of unity in the natural and supernatural divisions of +his theme. The early part of the book, which tells of the boyhood +of _Archie_ and the attempts of his dead brother _Martin_ to "get +through" to him, are admirably done. As always in these studies of +happy and guarded childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic, +tender, altogether winning. There was lung trouble in _Archie's_ +record--_Martin_ indeed had died of it (sometimes I wonder whether any +of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly robust), and there is +a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss sanatorium, where the +dead and living boys touch hands over the little _cache_ of childish +treasure buried by the former beneath a pine-tree in the garden. +Later, when _Archie_ had recovered from his disease and grown to +suitor's estate, I could not but feel, despite the sardonically +observed figure of _Helena_, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him, +that the whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost +interest for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of +Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving scenes +in this latter part are those between _Archie_ and his father. I have +seldom known a horrible situation handled with more delicate art; it +is for this, rather than for its slightly unconvincing devilments, +that I would give the book an honourable place in the ranks of +Bensonian romance. + + * * * * * + +I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose _Mr. Sterling Sticks it +Out_ (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the form of a story +the case of the conscientious objector of the finest type, that, +when we are able to think about this matter calmly, we shall have +considerable misgivings at least about details in our treatment of +this difficult problem. I also agree that the officials of the Press +Bureau don't come at all well out of the correspondence which he +prints in his preface, and, further, that the Government ought to have +had the courage to alter the law allowing absolute exemption rather +than stretch it beyond the breaking point. But I emphatically dispute +his assumption that the matter was a simple one. It was not the +saintly, single-minded and sweet-natured C.O.'s of _Christopher +Sterling's_ type that made the chief difficulty. There were few of +this literal interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty +was created by men of a very different character and in much greater +numbers, sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately +and unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and +making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It would +require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses from strict +equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is unfair in +its emphasis, but it is not fanatical or subversive, and I can see no +decent reason why it should have been banned. I certainly commend it +to the majority-minded as a wholesome corrective. + + * * * * * + +That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled +biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling of +disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the biographer or +in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge between us, +for _The New Elizabethans_ (LANE) must certainly be read, if only to +understand clearly that there is no fault in the heroes, at any rate. +Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these golden lads ... who +first conquered their easier selves and secondly led the ancestral +generations into a joyous captivity" (whatever that may mean), and +maintains, against the father of one of them apparently, that he is +apt in the title he has given to them and to their countless peers. I +agree with the father and think they deserve a new name of their own; +such men as the GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD +HANKEY did more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT, +"the Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised +as marking a production and a surprise of our own generation--the +"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally +reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel +that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant "a +selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great war." +Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons; there +should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the dedication +to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's prose a certain +affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter. An instance is the +reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation of the quatrain:-- + + Every day that passes + Filling out the year + Leaves the wicked Kaiser + Harder up for beer. + +I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the "Incorrigibles," +doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word "joyous." + + * * * * * + +I should certainly have supposed that recent history had discounted +popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in other words, +that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so sensational a +manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But it appears that +Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this opinion. His latest +story, _The Pester Finger_ (SKEFFINGTON), shows him as Ruritanian +as ever. As usual we find that distressful country, here called +_Varavia_, in the throes of dynastic upheaval, which centres, in +a manner also not without precedent, in the figure of a young and +beautiful Princess. This lady, the last of her race, had been adopted +as ward--on, I thought, insufficient introduction--by the hero, _Sir +Francis Vyse_. The situation was further complicated by the fact that +in his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have +prevented the murder of _Sonia's_ august parents, and didn't. Quite +early I gave up counting how many times _Sir Francis_ and his fair +ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and generally knocked about. +You never saw so convulsed a courtship; for I will no longer conceal +the fact that, when he was not more strenuously engaged, he soon began +to regard _Sonia_ with a softening eye. And as _Sonia_ herself +was growing up to womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase, +"muliebrity claimed her definitely"--well, he is an enviable reader +for whom the last page will hold any considerable surprise. + + * * * * * + +"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to _A Naval Lieutenant, 1914-1918_ +(METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to record his +impressions of the "sea affair." He was in _H.M.S. Southampton_ during +the earlier part of the War, and "on all the four principal occasions +when considerable German forces were encountered in the North Sea, her +guns were in action." Very naturally he desired to do honour to this +gallant light cruiser, and I admire prodigiously the modest way in +which he has done it. "ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor +of syntax might conceivably be distressed by his confusion of +prepositions; but apart from this detail all is plain sailing--and +fighting. I have read no more thrilling account of the Battle of +Jutland than is to be found here. The author does it so well because +he tells his story with great simplicity and without what I believe +he would call "windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour, +and would even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if +there had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were +amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF INNOCENCE. + +GOLF IN SPRINGTIME. + + Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass, + Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass, + Crying, + "Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play! + Now then, all together, boys--Me-e-eh!" + Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow, + Following your mothers, skipping as you go, + Crying, + "Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say! + Give it all together, boys--Me-e-e-eh!" + Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair, + Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air, + Crying, + "Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day; + Once more let him have it, boys--Me-e-e-e-eh!" + Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew, + One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you, + Crying, + "Every time I foozled they bleated with delight. + Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!" + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BORROWED THUNDER. + +"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?" + +"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR +TWO."] + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, May 28, 1919., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12232-8.txt or 12232-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/2/3/12232/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 28, 1919. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 1, 2004 [EBook #12232] +[Date last updated: January 12, 2009] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 156.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>May 28, 1919.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page413" id="page413"></a>[pg +413]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/413.png"><img width="100%" src="images/413.png" alt= +'"AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".' /></a> +<h3>"AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO".</h3> + +<table width="80%" summary="caption"> +<tr> +<td align="left">ONCE UPON A TIME.</td> +<td> </td> +<td>TO-DAY.</td> +</tr> +</table> +</div> +<hr class="short" /> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost +Germany the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost +certain to provoke further recriminations among the German High +Command.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>After all, the War <i>may</i> have wakened a new spirit in the +nation. Up to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner +mint-sauce.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the +cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a +march-past could easily be arranged.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate +during the Peace celebrations. The present price of +one-and-sixpence per kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits +anything like deep-seated festivity.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish +a weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a +little light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that +he had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare +that this is at least three feet over proof.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton +Dr. ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various +articles of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only +such socks as do not require muffling will be worn.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has +since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the +encyclopaedia.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of +the delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly +realise the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could +come to grips, in the event of a War between these two countries, +without infringing the laws of neutrality.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on +May 28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news +for those who have mining shares there.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says +<i>The Shoe and Leather Trades Record</i>. Smith minor talks of +migrating to the Orient.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in +some parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to +them.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have +refused to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat +that developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed +eight times, and it is expected that its final execution will have +taken place by the time this appears in print.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled. +Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to +work off arrears of fires in strict rotation.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the +church exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't +worry about getting people out of church so long as we got them +in.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour +of smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could +be made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and +then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook +the unfortunate man for an intending fare.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution +calling on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop +the Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release +conscientious objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia +is being much commented on.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable +disease.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" id="page414"></a>[pg +414]</span> +<h2>A SPRING IDYLL.</h2> +<p>If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties +to Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff +with gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early +victim. When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of +fossilized soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical +odour, and postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet +began to make inquiries.</p> +<p>"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la +République," reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and +as much as he can borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to +her."</p> +<p>There was a period of regular visits and intense literary +activity on the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden +disappearance of Mam'zelle and an endeavour by the disconsolate +swain to liquidate his debts in kind.</p> +<p>"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another +three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake +of vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight."</p> +<p>"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented +fly-paper. Have you frightened her away?"</p> +<p>"She's been <i>swept</i> away on a flood of my eloquence," said +Ronnie sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought +enough pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and +enough soap to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad; +lathers well if you soak it in hot water overnight."</p> +<p>"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the +conversation out of commercial channels.</p> +<p>"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic +leaning over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much +progress as a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and +scent instead of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me, +because one day she asked if I would translate an English letter +she'd received into French.</p> +<p>"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my +strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from +a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted +Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I +offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of +letter-paper for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike +translation.</p> +<p>"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it +in, but on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much +good. And next day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter +to translate, this time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I +discovered, was a sapper who'd been transferred to Boulogne and, +judging by his hand, was better with a shovel than a pen. As an +amateur in style I couldn't translate his drivel word for word. +Like <i>Cyrano</i>, the artist in me rose supreme, and I manicured +and curled his letter, painted and embroidered it, and nearly +finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of 'Herbert.'</p> +<p>"She was quite surprised when she read the translation.</p> +<p>"<i>'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas</i>?' said she, kissing it and +stuffing it away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in +French, 'that the dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw +my error. I had made a probable of a horse that hadn't previously +got an earthly. So, to adjust things, I refrigerated the next +letter—which happened to be from 'Orace—to the +temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the consequence was +that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me for three +whole days.</p> +<p>"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When +'Orace or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but +when their love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor +Ronnie. Any advances on my own part were countered with sales of +soap, customers apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to +bide my time.</p> +<p>"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived +simultaneously, and were duly handed to the fourth party for +necessary action. It occurred to me that when the time came for me +to enter the race on my own behalf I need have little fear of +'Erbert as a rival, so I determined to cut 'Orace out of the +running.</p> +<p>"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts, +spun out the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to +work on 'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on +and made a symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling +melody—blue skies, yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with +Georgette perched like a sugar goddess on a silver cloud and +'Erbert trying to clamber up to her on a silk ladder. To read it +would have made a Frenchman proud of his own language. Then, for +dramatic effect, I took the letters, put them on the counter and +walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I, 'will do 'Orace's +business—and then for 'Erbert!'</p> +<p>"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found +that her place behind the counter was taken by that little +red-haired Celestine.</p> +<p>"'Where's Georgette?' said I.</p> +<p>"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to +yourself, this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit, +sent her yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed +to read it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment. +<i>"Le pauvre garçon!"</i> cried Georgette, "his passion is +so strong he cannot find words for it. He is stricken dumb with +excess of feeling. I must be at his side to comfort him." And she +has flown like the wind to Calais, that she may be affianced to +him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the soap I know the kind you +prefer.'</p> +<p>"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love +and money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of +post-cards."</p> +<hr /> +<h2>SONGS OF SIMLA.</h2> +<p class="center">I.—THE BUREAUCRAT.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Along a narrow mountain track</p> +<p class="i2">Stalking supreme, alone,</p> +<p>Head upwards, hands behind his back,</p> +<p class="i2">He swings his sixteen stone.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Quit of the tinsel and the glare</p> +<p class="i2">That lit his forbears' lives,</p> +<p>His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear</p> +<p class="i2">The burden that was CLIVE'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A man of few and simple needs</p> +<p class="i2">He smokes a briar—and yet</p> +<p>His rugged signature precedes</p> +<p class="i2">The half an alphabet.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Across these green Elysian slopes</p> +<p class="i2">The Secretariat gleams,</p> +<p>The playground of his youthful hopes,</p> +<p class="i2">The workshop of his schemes.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>He sees the misty depths below,</p> +<p class="i2">Where plain and foothills, meet,</p> +<p>And smiles a wistful smile to know</p> +<p class="i2">The world is at his feet;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To know that England calls him back;</p> +<p class="i2">To know that glory's path</p> +<p>Is leading to a <i>cul de sac</i></p> +<p class="i2">In Cheltenham or Bath;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To know that all he helped to found,</p> +<p class="i2">The India of his prayers,</p> +<p>Has now become the tilting ground</p> +<p class="i2">Of MILL-bred doctrinaires.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But his the inalienable years</p> +<p class="i2">Of faith that stirred the blood,</p> +<p>Of zeal that won through toil and tears,</p> +<p class="i2">And after him—the flood.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">J.M.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Our Feminine Athletes.</h4> +<p>"Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.—Apply personally, Mrs. +——, Oddfellows' Arms."—<i>Provincial +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" id="page415"></a>[pg +415]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/415.png"><img width="100%" src="images/415.png" alt= +"THE GREAT RENUNCIATION." /></a> +<h3>THE GREAT RENUNCIATION.</h3> +PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE +OF BEAUTY."<br /> +[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to +accept a mandate for Constantinople.]</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" id="page416"></a>[pg +416]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/416.png"><img width="100%" src="images/416.png" alt= +"PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN." /> +</a> +<p>PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS ITS WAY +TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN.</p> +<p><i>Char</i>. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE. +I CAN'T ABIDE 'EM."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2> +<p class="center">PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS.</p> +<p class="author"><i>Park Lane</i>.</p> +<p>DEAREST DAPHNE,—Already everyone's got peace-strain and +what state we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I +haven't the dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean +to celebrate it, and when they find that other people have the same +ideas and mean to do the same things at the same time there are +alarums and excursions, and things are said, and quite several +people who were dear friends during the War don't speak now owing +to the peace!</p> +<p><i>Par exemple</i>, marches and processions being so much in the +air, I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt +knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We +Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed +in white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being +arranged at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I +found that Beryl Clarges had <i>stolen my idea</i> and was +arranging a "Crochet Peace Procession," with an immense gilt +crochet-hook to be carried in front, and a banner with some +nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a triumphal car +dressed in crochet!</p> +<p>I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to +her.</p> +<p>Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd +settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures, +and all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but +I'm giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the +silliness and selfishness of everybody.</p> +<p>Talking of dances, one's getting a bit +<i>dégoûtée</i> of Jazz bands and steps. When +<i>ces autres</i> get hold of anything it always begins to leave +off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace +Leap, that hasn't yet been quite <i>usé</i> and spoilt by +the outlying tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy +Havilland was at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where +people fly out of their seats to one-step and two-step between the +courses and during the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy +was eating his fish the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger, +"She's corns on her toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish, +jumped up and began to dance. <i>Of course</i> several fish-bones +flew down his throat, and while he was choking he did such fearful +and wonderful things that the whole room, not dreaming the poor +dear was at his <i>dernier soupir</i>, broke out clapping and +shouting and then imitated him, and by the time Chippy felt better +he found himself famous and everybody doing the Peace Leap, which +has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's Prowl and +everything else.</p> +<p>Oh, my dearest, who <i>do</i> you think are among the crowd of +married people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving +partnership? The Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The +<i>flitchiest</i> of Dunmow Flitch pairs! The <i>turtlest</i> of +turtle—doves! Whenever people spoke of marriage as played out +other people always weighed in with, "Well, but look at the Algy +Mallowdenes."</p> +<p>They married on war-bread and <span class="pagenum"><a name= +"page417" id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span> Government cheese and +kisses (unrationed). Seriously, though, <i>m'amie</i>, I believe +they'd scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as +Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the +No-Use-Coming-Here Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a +staff of servants were allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to +have a ball-room built, and Algy said he simply <i>must</i> have a +billiard-room and smoke-room added, one of those fearful red-flag +creatures got up in the House just as the money was going to be +voted and made such an uproar that the matter was dropped.</p> +<p>And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here +Office, Algy began to write novels and found himself at once. +You've read some of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear. +Every kind of world while you wait, the upper, the under, and the +half. Lallie was very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I +believe she said wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so +much about this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy +made answer: "Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's +temperament."</p> +<p>By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the +Umpty Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those +people, you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never +mentioned). And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official +residence of the Permanent Irremovable Assistant +Under-Secretary.</p> +<p>"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's +not as a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her +that I talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like +that is a <i>sine quâ non</i> in a novel of the Modernist +school."</p> +<p>But Lallie <i>couldn't</i> see the dif between a man and a +novelist, and Algy <i>couldn't</i> write his best seller without +studying its heroine, and so—and so—at last our poor +prize couple are in that long list that an overworked judge +complained of the other day. And if you ask for the moral I suppose +it's "Don't try to study character where there isn't any."</p> +<p>This is emphatically a season for <i>arms</i>, my Daphne, which +seems quite a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures +don't count; it's the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm! +There are all sorts of stunts for attracting attention to round +white arms, and if one has the other kind one had better go and do +a rest-cure. Your Blanche is beyond criticism in that respect, as +you know, and the other night at the opera I'd a <i>succès +fou</i> with a big black-enamel beetle, held in place by an +invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm.</p> +<p>Lady Manoeuvrer is simply <i>ravie de joie</i> at the rage for +arms, for her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the +only clever one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the +best arms of the whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's +course, "The Fascination of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers +about from morn to night, poor child, till she sometimes does a +small weep from sheer exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races, +in a no-sleeved coatee with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in +full gallop on her upper arm, she attracted plenty of attention and +had two offers, I hear. Arms and the man, again!</p> +<p><i>À propos</i>, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd +sent a thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of +you!" I said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No, +dearest," she whispered; "for the restoration of the London +Season!"</p> +<p class="center">Ever +thine, BLANCHE.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/417.png"><img width="100%" src="images/417.png" alt= +"TWO STRAPS, 'AMMERSMITH." /></a> <i>Tube Habitué (homeward +bound).</i> "TWO STRAPS, 'AMMERSMITH."</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"LETTS TAKE RIGA."</p> +<p><i>Daily Mail.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Yes, and let's keep it.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" id="page418"></a>[pg +418]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/418.png"><img width="100%" src="images/418.png" alt= +"TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET." /></a> +<p><i>Manager (introducing music-hall turn).</i> "LADIES AND +GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING +CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY +QUESTION THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM."</p> +<p><i>Voice from Gallery</i>. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO +LET."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>MURMAN AMENITIES.</h2> +<p>This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the +awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his +surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the +sympathetic heart of the public and at the same time to have +enthralled the student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic +detail. While embodying all the best-known newspaper +<i>clichés</i> appropriated to these latitudes it was to +have included others specially and laboriously prepared after a +fascinating study of Arctic literature.</p> +<p>But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the +article it was to have been will never be written, the telling +word-pictures designed on board the transport never executed.</p> +<p>Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the +Murman base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of +peril and of hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out +o' mornings, to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle +to suck, the longest candle to chew—found themselves billeted +in a room which the landladies of home would delight to advertise! +Its walls were hung with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half +their horror; it was encumbered with countless frail chairs and +"kiggly" tables, and upon every flat surface had settled a swarm of +albums, framed photographs, china dogs, wax flowers, +penholder-stands, and all the choicest by-products of civilization +struggling towards culture. As we were not to be frozen by exposure +or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might reasonably have +expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but even this +consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that the English +are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it +unlit.</p> +<p>When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits, +the aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or +foe we could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before +wax-flowers and fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and +knick-knacks, and all felt that to encounter such things within the +Arctic Circle was an unfair test of our fortitude. Why had not the +War Office or some newspaper correspondent warned us?</p> +<p>Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour; +or perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed +no reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and +rapidly had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll +about the floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet +tackle that crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished +artificial fauna and flora.</p> +<p>Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady +approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare +bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the +eccentricities of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal +what might be termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives +echo our words of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on +Russian, they are simply imitating the sounds we make under the +impression that they are learning a little English.</p> +<p>More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of +military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor +any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon +certain points which we have here to consider every day. For +example, if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street, +maintaining his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each +hand, meets a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should +happen? What <i>does</i> happen we know by demonstration: the +subaltern brandishes both sticks round his head, slides forward +five yards, smartly crosses the points of his ski and then, +plunging forward, buries his head in the wayside drift, while the +General Officer sits down and says what he thinks. But we do not +know if these gestures of natural courtesy are such as our mentors +would approve. No authority has set up for us any ideal in such +matters. From official rules of deportment the British soldier +knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse, +mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has +been made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are +at large in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the +light of nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior +officers as our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and +permit.</p> +<p>Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who +in the late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite +colour, no matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most +fancied, and any old variety of hat they thought becoming, are +shocked by the fantastic kit that is countenanced in this latitude. +It must be borne in mind that most of us are old campaigners and +old nomads whose tailors have grown accustomed to build us +appropriate gear for various climes. Fashions for fighting in +France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained a hold upon our +affections, to say nothing of those <span class="pagenum"><a name= +"page419" id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span> designs for civil +breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street, +Kirkcaldy or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well +out of A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked. +Thus the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a +busby, an ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting +stockings and Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of +one officer's make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers, +or sharp-toothed Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather +jerkin; or the choice flowers of Savile Row associated with +Canadian moccasins.</p> +<p>What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward +appearance of the typical British officer? How will the little +Lapps, befurred and smiling, who come sliding to market behind the +trotting reindeer, report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In +any case I hope we shall found a legend of a well-meaning if +peculiar and patchwork people.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/419.png"><img width="100%" src="images/419.png" alt= +"SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES." /></a> +<p><i>British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of +woad, to visitor).</i> "I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE +YOU TILL HE'S DRY."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas engine and +exhauster; 50<i>s</i>. per week of seven 12-hour +shifts."—<i>Advt. in Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems +superfluous.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY.</h3> +<p>The readers of the Personal Column of <i>The Times</i> were +lately refreshed by the following entry:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">"Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note +that though it may be a custom on his own course to pocket +golf-balls on the fairway, it is not done elsewhere."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and +regret, for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold +uses; but as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic +thing is that up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese +hat has made no reply. Either it does not read <i>The Times</i> or +it has been rendered speechless. We were longing for some +first-class recriminations.</p> +<p>The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we +are liable to find this:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that, +though it may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of +others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White Sale at +Blankridge's is not the thing.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>And again:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">The female with a red parasol, who thought it her +duty to struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus, +opposite the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to +three, may be interested in learning that the service is not run +solely for her.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like +this may be looked for:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and +neglected wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume +dining at home only on condition that the table was laid as it is +laid in <i>The Good-Humoured Ladies</i>?</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h3>BEFORE.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Before I was a little girl I was a little bird,</p> +<p>I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a +word;</p> +<p>But all about the woods I went and up into the sky—</p> +<p>And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing</p> +<p>Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring;</p> +<p>But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew</p> +<p>I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="center">R. F.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>More Dillydallying.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes between members +of the League, then meditation by the Council."—<i>Liverpool +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" id="page420"></a>[pg +420]</span> +<h2>THE TREACHEROUS SON.</h2> +<p>I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet +village that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic +peace of my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this +pleasant sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden +fruit-trees, creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I +became aware that a pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama +was in progress within fifty yards from my open windows. I +discovered a son in the act of encouraging his aged and apparently +imbecile parent to gamble with a professional swindler! Not that I +have actually seen them thus engaged. As a matter of fact I have +merely heard a few short remarks—and those were all spoken by +the son. But, as everyone knows, even a single sentence +accidentally overheard by an observant stranger may give him a +clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen, speaker's +character than could be gained from countless chapters of a modern +analytical novel.</p> +<p>So these four sentences were quite enough for <i>me</i>. Perhaps +I should mention here that the three personages in this drama are +birds—which makes it all the more painful.</p> +<p>Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally +drops into English, or I should never have understood what was +going on. He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because +I know all <i>their</i> remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M. +heard them he would probably tell me they were those of a +"Blackman's Warbler," and I should have believed him—once. +Hardly now, after he has so airily exposed his title as an +authority; but even as it is I should not dream of questioning his +statement that "the egg of course is rather more speckled," because +I can well believe that the egg this bird—whatever he +is—came from was very badly speckled indeed.</p> +<p>It seems that, some time ago—I can't say when exactly, but +it was before I came down here—this unnatural son introduced +to the parental abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a +row of young chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more +than dubious reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to +put up for the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I +said, I have neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's +<i>there</i>. I am unable to give the precise date on which he +first led the conversation to the good old English game of "rigging +the thimble"—that also was before I came. All I can state +with certainty is that he interested his host in it so effectually +that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all day long.</p> +<p>This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause +which invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the +father-bird (if he would only speak up—which he doesn't) +quavering, "I'm not sure, my boy, I'm not <i>sure</i>, but I've a +notion that, <i>this</i> time, he's left the pea under the +<i>middle</i> thimble—eh?"</p> +<p>On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere, +pipes out, "There it <i>is</i>, Fa-ther, there it <i>is</i>, +Fa-ther!" with an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt +that is simply indescribable, being indeed too revolting for +words.</p> +<p>Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some +observations which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the +fairness of the game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty +that the luck must turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts +him—this time in plain English—to "be a bird." +Whereupon the doting old parent decides that he <i>will</i> be a +bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I hear the +son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '<i>e</i>'s got +it; no, '<i>e</i>'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory +concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am +not suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping +their "h's"—but <i>this</i> one does. There are times when he +is so elated by his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an +outburst of inarticulate devilry. And so the game goes on, minute +after minute, hour after hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The +amount of grains or grubs or whatever the stakes may be (and it is +not likely that any rook would play for love), that that old idiot +must have lost even since I have been here, is beyond all +calculation. He has never once been allowed to spot the right +thimble, but he <i>will</i> go on. As to the son's motive in +permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you +possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it +had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous +arrangement.</p> +<p>Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the +unnatural offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it +have dawned at last upon his parent that this is one of those +little games where the odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the +Table? Or can the son have sickened of his own villainy and washed +his claws of his shady confederate? I don't know why, but I am +almost beginning to hope.... No; through the open window comes the +well-known cry, "There it <i>is</i>, Fa-ther! There it <i>is</i>, +Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a <i>bird</i>!... No, '<i>e</i>'s got it! +No, '<i>e</i>'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it +again!</p> +<p class="author">F.A.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>A SHADY TENANT.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">[From inquiries made by a <i>Daily Chronicle</i> +representative it appears that the present demand for housing +accommodation is such that people no longer draw the line at +ghosts.]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The problem at last is a thing of the past;</p> +<p class="i2">Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest;</p> +<p>We can put up the banns and make definite plans,</p> +<p class="i2">For the love-birds will soon have a nest.</p> +<p>I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat</p> +<p class="i2">In which we are destined to dwell,</p> +<p>And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt</p> +<p class="i2">It will suit us exceedingly well.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't</p> +<p class="i2">Have perfection, as you are aware,</p> +<p>And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house</p> +<p class="i2">Is both damp and in need of repair.</p> +<p>I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore;</p> +<p class="i2">I discovered the latter to be</p> +<p>That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain</p> +<p class="i2">By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime,</p> +<p class="i2">But the victim's intangible shade</p> +<p>Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say,</p> +<p class="i2">In diaphanous garments arrayed.</p> +<p>In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom</p> +<p class="i2">She's appearing once nightly, it seems,</p> +<p>And the listener quails as lugubrious wails</p> +<p class="i2">Are succeeded by agonised screams.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause</p> +<p class="i2">No concern; I am certain that you</p> +<p>Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice</p> +<p class="i2">In the thought that our haven's in view.</p> +<p>In the likely event of your mother's descent</p> +<p class="i2">There's the warmest of welcomes in store,</p> +<p>And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide</p> +<p class="i2">That indelible stain on the floor.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" id="page421"></a>[pg +421]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/421.png"><img width="100%" src="images/421.png" alt= +"A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION." /></a> +<h3>A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page422" id="page422"></a>[pg +422]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/422.png"><img width="100%" src="images/422.png" alt= +"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?" /></a> +<p><i>Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony).</i> +"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE NEW ARM.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(On perceiving William in mufti again and +carrying one.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What is this implement of warfare, Bill?</p> +<p class="i2">What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers?</p> +<p>Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill,</p> +<p class="i2">Doing it first by numbers.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Not a grenade and not a parachute?</p> +<p class="i2">Some remnant rather of the ancient folly,</p> +<p>Some touch of times before the Big Dispute?</p> +<p class="i2">I have it now! A brolly.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent,</p> +<p class="i2">Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious.</p> +<p>Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent.</p> +<p class="i2">How splendid! And how curious!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Do it again, Bill. I am better now;</p> +<p class="i2">Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled.</p> +<p>Press on the little clutch and show me how</p> +<p class="i2">The parts are reassembled.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To think men poked these things into the sky,</p> +<p class="i2">Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles,</p> +<p>Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I</p> +<p class="i2">Forgot there were such articles.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>It brings the old times back to one again,</p> +<p class="i2">The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's +dolours</p> +<p>Doing their very best to drip the rain</p> +<p class="i2">Down other people's collars;</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome;</p> +<p class="i2">The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas;</p> +<p>The rapture when you found on reaching home</p> +<p class="i2">Your gamp was someone else's.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O symbol of routine and office hours!</p> +<p class="i2">O emblem of the soft civilian status!</p> +<p>Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers</p> +<p class="i2">With such an apparatus?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Shall I consent to grasp within my hand</p> +<p class="i2">The sign of serfdom and to get the habit</p> +<p>Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand,</p> +<p class="i2">A mushroom on a rabbit?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Never. O hateful sight! And yet—and yet</p> +<p class="i2">I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one;</p> +<p>June will most probably be beastly wet;</p> +<p class="i2">P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">EVOE.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>East is East.</h4> +<p>"The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was married +this month to Corporal ——. We wish them all +happiness."—<i>Diocesan Magazine (India).</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Corporal —— appears to be a specialist.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old +régime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of +some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."—<i>Canadian +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>EX-KAISER (<i>loq</i>.): "No, thanks; I've had some."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.—Most beautiful city in England. Good +lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."—<i>Advt. +in Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational +establishment in connection with the place.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>Our Helpful Contemporaries.</h4> +<p>"There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a +person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but +it has always been suspected that this was due to greater +uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he is +standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be +given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head really +requires a larger hat it must be because the head is +larger."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page423" id="page423"></a>[pg +423]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/423.png"><img width="100%" src="images/423.png" alt= +"HONOUR SATISFIED." /></a> +<h3>HONOUR SATISFIED.</h3> +<p>GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! <i>(Aside)</i> AFTER +WHICH PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<!--Blank page 424--> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page425" id="page425"></a>[pg +425]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p><i>Monday, May 19th.</i>—The coalminers lately received +concessions in wages and hours that are going to cost the country +twenty millions sterling in the present financial year. The first +result of this boon (<i>teste</i> Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they +are turning out less coal per man than ever, and that the unhappy +consumer must look forward to a further reduction in his already +meagre ration. It is rather hard upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily +dilates in the Coal Commission upon the hardships of the miner's +life, that his clients should let him down like this.</p> +<p>For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is +that before British troops are sent to any new front the approval +of the House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if, +during his active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar +restriction on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the +gallant Commander himself would have been more pithy than +Parliamentary.</p> +<div class="figleft" style="width:33%;"><a href= +"images/425-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/425-1.png" alt= +"LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS. " /></a>LADIES IN GOVERNMENT +MOTOR-CARS.<br /> +<i>General Seely.</i> "WELL, HARDLY EVER."</div> +<p>The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now +stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a +number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some +have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in +"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the +official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that +that never happens; though I think he added under his +breath—"well, hardly ever."</p> +<p>There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to +introduce the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a +pity, for he had a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and +told it very well. He was less successful on the subject of the +"national shipyards," which have cost four millions of money and in +two years have not succeeded in turning out a single completed +ship. With the wisdom that comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY +fulminated ferociously against the "superman" who had imposed this +"disastrous scheme" upon the country.</p> +<p>This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in +the most vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended +the scheme as being absolutely essential at the time it was +initiated. It was a war-time expedient, which changing +circumstances had rendered unnecessary; but if the War and the +U-boat campaign had gone on it might have been the salvation of the +country. After all you can't expect to have shipyards without +making a few slips.</p> +<p><i>Tuesday, May 20th.</i>—The advance of woman continues. +Very soon she will have her foot upon the first rung of the +judicial ladder, and be able to write J.P. after her name, for the +LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing out that in this matter the Government +were bound to honour the pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully +swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn +the prospective justicesses (if that is the right term) that, as +the Commissions of the Peace were already fully manned, it might be +some time before any large number of ladies could be added to the +roll of those who, in the words of the Prayer-book, "indifferently +administer justice."</p> +<p>Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the +Government a real service in the Commons. Every day since his +return from Paris Mr. BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as +to when, if ever, the House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace +terms, and has evaded a direct answer with more or less ingenuity. +This afternoon Mr. BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE +HOUSE had "nothing to add" to his previous replies, asked if he was +right in supposing that, when the Treaty came up for ratification, +the House must take it or leave it, and would have no power to +amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW joyfully jumped at the chance of +ending the daily catechism once for all. "That," he said, "exactly +represents the position, and I do not see in what other way any +Treaty could ever be arranged."</p> +<p>In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY +ARNOLD sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +that the income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining, +owing to the cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. +It costs six hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million. +Of course, he added, it costs more proportionately to collect small +amounts than large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by +one individual the cost of collection would be <i>nil</i>. One +imagined the CHANCELLOR on the eve of the Budget wishing, +<i>à la</i> NERO, that the whole of the British people had +but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply and as often as he +pleased.</p> +<p>The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the +proposed "levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who +already display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the +Labourites. After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH +spoke at Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about +the new nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing +either his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with +the suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the +subject.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page426" id="page426"></a>[pg +426]</span> +<p>The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the +amendment. He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting +the War Bond advertisements, which daily inform us that the +patriotic investor "will receive the whole of his money back with a +substantial premium."</p> +<p>The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred +"by Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected +aid of Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as +easily as the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly +asserted that the tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the +advance-guard of Protection, was in reality a very strong movement +towards Free Trade. Comforted by this authoritative declaration +Coalition Liberals helped the Government to defeat the amendment by +317 to 72.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href= +"images/425-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/425-2.png" alt= +"THE LONG PULL." /></a>THE LONG PULL.<br /> +MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.</div> +<p><i>Wednesday, May 21st.</i>—The Peers being as usual +rather short of work at this period of the Session, the LORD +CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill "to enable the Official Solicitor for +the time being to exercise powers and duties conferred on the +person holding the office of Official Solicitor."</p> +<p>The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the +effect that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating +revolutionary alterations at Hampton Court—in particular that +he was going to transform the famous pond-garden into something +quite different: a MOND-garden, in fact—are, it seems, +grossly exaggerated. All that he has done is to appoint a Committee +of experts to advise him what, if any, changes are desirable.</p> +<p>The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some +personal details. By way of showing that even without a levy on +capital the rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State, +Sir EDWARD CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he +immediately allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book +at only half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it +was five pounds"—and the House laughed loudly at such an +absurd supposition.</p> +<p>Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the +importance of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was +political rather than economical by the remark that if he was going +to be married—which he fervently hoped would not happen to +him—he would expect his mythical bride to value his +engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its sentimental +value.</p> +<p>A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in +the House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up +the debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading <i>nem. +con.</i></p> +<p><i>Thursday, May 22nd.</i>—The Ministry of Health Bill +came up for third reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by +the Government to provide the new Minister with an additional +Under-Secretary was heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being +appropriately enough one of the Tellers for the Opposition.</p> +<p>The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story +of an angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty +road to its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too +frequent notice, "Closed—No Beer," brought a most sympathetic +reply from Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a +believer in good beer myself," and later on announced that the +Government had decided to increase the output from twenty million +to twenty-six million standard barrels.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/426.png"><img width="100%" src="images/426.png" alt= +"HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN." /></a> +<p><i>Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz band for +some time).</i> "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S +ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page427" id="page427"></a>[pg +427]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/427.png"><img width="100%" src="images/427.png" alt= +"I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?" /></a> +<p><i>Farmer.</i> "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM THE +WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h3> +<p>The original answer to the question at the head of these +insignificant remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A +rose," said <i>Juliet</i>, "by any other name would smell as +sweet." But of course she was wrong. If a rose were handed to a +visitor in the garden, with the words, "Do see how wonderful this +onion is!" such a prejudice would be set up as fatally to impair +its fragrance. There is, in fact, much in a name; and therefore the +attempt of a correspondent of <i>The Daily Express</i> to find a +generic nomenclature for domestic servants should be given very +serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the objection felt by +so many women servants to being either called by Christian or +surname."</p> +<p>As a means of placating this very sensitive class the +correspondent writes:—</p> +<p>"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I +therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first +letter of the class. For example:—</p> +<table summary="names" width="40%" align="center"> +<tr> +<td>Lady's-maid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Louise.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Parlourmaid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Palmer.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Housemaid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Hannah.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>General</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Gertrude.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Scullerymaid</td> +<td> </td> +<td>Sarah."</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if +it spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For +why confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids +are to be called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors +"Eddy" (very good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And +all London County Councillors, "Elsie"?</p> +<p>But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given. +"Palmer" for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce +the sound values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would +be better, or why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired +similarity with the new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help +transform domestic service to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah" +for "housemaid" is also wrong, although for "handmaid" it would be +good. On the analogy of "Palmer," why not call all housemaids +"How"? or even "House"?</p> +<p>If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English +housemaids? For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude"; +and for scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name; +there is a distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an +M.P. for Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be +offended.</p> +<p>It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or +calling, and others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our +gum-architect as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not +address a plumber as "Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might +be called Warner). We say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not +address an advocate as "Barrister." If we had a definite rule +everything would be simple, but as we have not it is necessary to +find several more names. I am not at all satisfied with <i>The +Daily Express's</i> test. For example, what would a second +parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be called +Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page428" id="page428"></a>[pg +428]</span> +<h2>RUS IN URBE.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a +titled lady took her tea with some friends on the footway at +Belsize Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by, however, +complained of the obstruction ... and, following representation to +the police by the public, the <i>al-fresco</i> tea-party was broken +up."—<i>Daily News</i>.]</p> +</blockquote> +<p>In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased +to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this +courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit.</p> +<p>On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of +passers-by was drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled +along the Strand by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke +of Sleepyacres. It appears that his Grace, on return from active +service, found that the confined air of an ordinary bed-room +engendered insomnia. He therefore conceived the idea of sleeping in +the open-air and caused his bed to be placed in the centre of the +Strand, opposite the entrance to the Savoy Hotel. The presence of +the sleeping nobleman might have been unnoticed, had not Mr. +SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way from dining after a +session of the Coal Commission. His eye was immediately caught by +the ducal crest on the panels of the bed. Suspicious that this was +a dastardly attempt on the part of a member of the landed classes +to obtain sleeping-rights in a public thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE +lodged a complaint with the police, and the Duke was removed to Bow +Street.</p> +<p>Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp +which has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at +the corner of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a +small and quite inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army +pattern bell-tent, a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our +representative recently visited the occupants to ascertain the +reason for their presence. After hastily declining an offer of a +glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over from France, he inquired with +polite interest whether his hosts contemplated a lengthy stay. They +replied that they did. They were waiting for their demobilisation +gratuities. The locality, they added, was a quiet one, where +advancing old age could be met in comfortable meditation. Also the +offices of Messrs. Cox, Box & Co., the Regimental Agents, were +in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the gratuities +could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the present the +police have not interfered with them, apparently taking them for +workmen employed in repairing the roadway.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<p class="center">"KISSING TIME."</p> +<p>For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the +atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is +perhaps rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on +the board; so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you +beforehand of the merits of their favourite brands.</p> +<p>I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am +unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I +am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary +I follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find +that it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly +again) to conclude that the fault lies with him and not with +myself.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:33%;"><a href= +"images/428.png"><img width="100%" src="images/428.png" alt= +"THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME." /></a>THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW +HOME.<br /> +<br /> +MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN +THEATRE.</div> +<p>But in the case of <i>Kissing Time</i>, after a rather dull +First Act, during which I kept telling myself that I was not +suffering from senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a +great measure justified of their elect. For one thing the authors, +taking a bold and original line (from the French), had produced a +coherent plot; and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I +understand to be the average in this kind. One expects, of course, +a little Cockney licence—"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's," +and so on—and a certain amount of popular banality, as in the +song, "Some Day" (rapturously approved); but there were excellent +verses on the text, "A woman has no mercy on a man," and, I doubt +not, much other good stuff which I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL, +who conducted (and was probably thinking more of his own pleasant +music than somebody else's words), did not make enough allowance +for my slowness in the up-take of patter.</p> +<p>Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when +the book has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him +for private developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and +confident. One easily understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE +ARNAUD, who was a little slow for the general pace, must, I think, +be more of an acquired taste.</p> +<p>Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound +work, and so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature. +Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the +old Middlesex a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden," +brought with him the traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm +personal welcome. I could bear him to be funnier than he was; but +as I'm sure that he's clever enough to be anything he likes I can +only assume that he wasn't really trying.</p> +<p>I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of +his, where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely, +even in the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our +discontent."</p> +<p class="author">O. S.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LAND OF MY DREAMS</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I know a spot where balmy air and still</p> +<p class="i2">Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour</p> +<p class="i2">As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower,</p> +<p>He stretches idle limbs at ease until</p> +<p>The blessed peace about him calms his will</p> +<p class="i2">And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower,</p> +<p class="i2">Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour</p> +<p>Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill,</p> +<p class="i2">Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be</p> +<p>So strangely foolish as to heed her call,</p> +<p class="i2">Regardless of their true felicity....</p> +<p>Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all!</p> +<p>Afflict not one to this dear haven fled,</p> +<p>My private earthly paradise—my BED.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1<i>s</i>. 5-1/2<i>d</i>. +per hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need +apply."—<i>Country Paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known +several who were most respectable.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page429" id="page429"></a>[pg +429]</span> +<h3>THE RENAISSANCE.</h3> +<p>The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities +of war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the +tree in early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable +results. Unable to rise any higher they are already contemplating +the heroic course of justifying their eminence by starting afresh +at the bottom of the ladder.</p> +<p>The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by +our Boy Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious +foresight which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD +recognises the impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved +when and if he leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior. +It is further rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his +august example. The atmosphere of the Bench is not always +exhilarating, and the salary is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism +doubtless also enters into their motives.</p> +<p>The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the +situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon be +released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent +energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of +commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the +demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great +shops and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been +higher. Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to +conquer. We can confidently look forward to the day when no shop +will be without its DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO. +Opportunities for employment on the stage are likely to be +multiplied by the alleged intention of several actor-managers to +enter Parliament, while others, nobly anxious to satisfy the claims +of youth, have expressed their resolve only to appear henceforth in +such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and outside shouts.</p> +<p>In the domain of letters some startling developments are also +threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his +refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his +opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future +exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of one +syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also +contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels, +beginning with <i>Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'</i>. Mr. SHAW'S fresh +start will be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to +Eton and Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at +our older Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted +in the French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a +commission in the Dutch mercantile marine.</p> +<p>The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of +speculation in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he +does not intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at +the Bar, but has resolved to return to his first +love—journalism. Sport is the only department in which the +ornate and orotund style of which Mr. ASQUITH is a master is still +in vogue, and the description of classic events in classical +diction will furnish him with a congenial opening for the exercise +of his great literary talent.</p> +<p>The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of +Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master +at St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known +to be considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the +Handel Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that, +according to a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just +completed a series of pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir +LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the +luncheon interval at the Coal Commission.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/429.png"><img width="100%" src="images/429.png" alt= +"EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?" /></a> +<p>"EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS ABOUT +HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page430" id="page430"></a>[pg +430]</span> +<h2>A SPORTING CHANCE.</h2> +<blockquote> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat +you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly pivotal +when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at once.</p> +<p>Will you go back to the Governor's office?</p> +<p class="center">Yours +ever, GARRY NORTON.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Haven't the faintest; but before settling down +I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so as +to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better come with +me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to give old Cox a +run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean, that he's been +keeping for me).</p> +<p>If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean, and +we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast.</p> +<p class="center">Yours in +haste, ALEC RIDLEY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat +do you want—schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A +half-decker, or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite +instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid I +can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or incarnadine +the seas by yourself.</p> +<p class="center">Yours as +ever, GARRY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a +boat that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it has +a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's pantry so +much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of those nine months +at Basra last year with the flies.</p> +<p class="center"> +Yours, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I +doubt whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential +property.</p> +<p>I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit +of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told it's +very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of June.</p> +<p class="center">Yours +ever, GARRY NORTON.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—This is a top-hole place. To have got this +water for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler.</p> +<p>You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I +shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the river +banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my cast and I +can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can hear the click +of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I write, so the hooping +season has begun.</p> +<p>There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses +like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing about +at present.</p> +<p class="center">Yours +ever, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p class="center"><i>Postcard</i>.</p> +<p>Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as +poss. G. N.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about +mayflies now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or +two of the best chocolates. Having good sport.</p> +<p class="center">In haste for post,</p> +<p class="center">Yours, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special +chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's +Pharmacopoeia.</p> +<p>Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of +water.</p> +<p class="center">Yours as +usual, GARRY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other +day, and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the +Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and we have +had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven beauties +yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches.</p> +<p>Post just going out.</p> +<p class="center">Yours in +haste, ALEC.</p> +<p>P.S.—Another couple of pounds of chocs would be +useful.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—-Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I +shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of these +days.</p> +<p class="center"> +Yours, GARRY.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR GARRY,—Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the +water (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after +arriving.</p> +<p>Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside +whistling for me, so I must put the lid on.</p> +<p class="center"> +Yours, ALEC.</p> +<br /> +<p>DEAR ALEC,—What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a +fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching eleven +beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long. Some +trout—what? But why the terriers?</p> +<p class="center">Yours in darkness,</p> +<p class="author">GARRY NORTON.</p> +<br /> +<table summary="postcard" width="100%"> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="center"><i>Postcard</i>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><i>Rats</i>.</td><td align="center">ALEC.</td> +</tr> +</table> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<h4>"When Greek Joins Greek."</h4> +<p>"The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks +forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has been +virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The reports says +the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid in looting imprisoned +Greeks hidden remotely."—<i>Egyptian Gazette</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h2>THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When first I joined the R.N.V.</p> +<p>And ventured out upon the sea,</p> +<p>The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties</p> +<p>Who guided me about my duties</p> +<p>Were wont to wink and chuckle if</p> +<p>I found the going rather stiff;</p> +<p>And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough,</p> +<p>My legs proved scarcely firm enough</p> +<p>To keep me yare and head-to-wind</p> +<p>The very nicest of them grinned.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Now times are changed, and here I am</p> +<p>Once more beside the brimming Cam,</p> +<p>Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs</p> +<p>Whirl madly by in punts and tubs,</p> +<p>Which they propel by strength of will</p> +<p>And muscle rather more than skill.</p> +<p>For (if one may be fairly frank)</p> +<p>They barge across from bank to bank,</p> +<p>With zig-zag motions, in and out,</p> +<p>As though torpedoes were about;</p> +<p>Whilst I with all an expert's ease</p> +<p>Glide by as gaily as you please,</p> +<p>Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts,</p> +<p>Perform accomplished super-stunts.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But do not think I jibe or jeer</p> +<p>However strangely they career.</p> +<p>In soothing accents, sweet as spice,</p> +<p>I offer them my best advice,</p> +<p>Or deftly show them how to plant a</p> +<p>Propulsive pole in oozy Granta,</p> +<p>Observing, "If you only knew it</p> +<p><i>This</i> is the proper way to do it;"</p> +<p>Till soon each watching Looty's face</p> +<p>Grows full of wonder at my grace,</p> +<p>And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys</p> +<p>Attempt to imitate my poise.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N.,</p> +<p>Thus by the Cam we meet again;</p> +<p>And, as in wilder sterner days,</p> +<p>We shared the ocean's dreary ways</p> +<p>In fellowship of single aim,</p> +<p>I never doubt we'll do the same</p> +<p>By sunny Cam in happier times;</p> +<p>And therefore, if through these my rhymes</p> +<p>Some gentle banter slyly flits,</p> +<p>Forgive me, Sirs—and call it quits.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>From a club journal:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a +change from a Trip to the River."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy +symptoms of the times in which we live.</p> +<hr /> +<p>From a report of the debate on the National +Shipyards:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking +increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase +this)."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page431" id="page431"></a>[pg +431]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/431.png"><img width="100%" src="images/431.png" alt= +"NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF AGAIN." /></a> +<p><i>Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for twenty +minutes).</i> "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF +AGAIN."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p>MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in +<i>Across the Stream</i> (MURRAY), a story on the very topical +subject of spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a +practised novelist, with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to +adorn, he has made a tale that is interesting throughout and here +and there aspires to real beauty of feeling; though not all the +writer's skill can disguise a certain want of unity in the natural +and supernatural divisions of his theme. The early part of the +book, which tells of the boyhood of <i>Archie</i> and the attempts +of his dead brother <i>Martin</i> to "get through" to him, are +admirably done. As always in these studies of happy and guarded +childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic, tender, +altogether winning. There was lung trouble in <i>Archie's</i> +record—<i>Martin</i> indeed had died of it (sometimes I +wonder whether any of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly +robust), and there is a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss +sanatorium, where the dead and living boys touch hands over the +little <i>cache</i> of childish treasure buried by the former +beneath a pine-tree in the garden. Later, when <i>Archie</i> had +recovered from his disease and grown to suitor's estate, I could +not but feel, despite the sardonically observed figure of +<i>Helena</i>, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him, that the +whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost interest +for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of +Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving +scenes in this latter part are those between <i>Archie</i> and his +father. I have seldom known a horrible situation handled with more +delicate art; it is for this, rather than for its slightly +unconvincing devilments, that I would give the book an honourable +place in the ranks of Bensonian romance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose <i>Mr. Sterling +Sticks it Out</i> (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the +form of a story the case of the conscientious objector of the +finest type, that, when we are able to think about this matter +calmly, we shall have considerable misgivings at least about +details in our treatment of this difficult problem. I also agree +that the officials of the Press Bureau don't come at all well out +of the correspondence which he prints in his preface, and, further, +that the Government ought to have had the courage to alter the law +allowing absolute exemption rather than stretch it beyond the +breaking point. But I emphatically dispute his assumption that the +matter was a simple one. It was not the saintly, single-minded and +sweet-natured C.O.'s of <i>Christopher Sterling's</i> type that +made the chief difficulty. There were few of this literal +interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty was created +by men of a very different character and in much greater numbers, +sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately and +unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and +making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It +would require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses +from strict equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is +unfair in its emphasis, but it is not <span class= +"pagenum"><a name="page432" id="page432"></a>[pg 432]</span> +fanatical or subversive, and I can see no decent reason why it +should have been banned. I certainly commend it to the +majority-minded as a wholesome corrective.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled +biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling +of disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the +biographer or in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge +between us, for <i>The New Elizabethans</i> (LANE) must certainly +be read, if only to understand clearly that there is no fault in +the heroes, at any rate. Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these +golden lads ... who first conquered their easier selves and +secondly led the ancestral generations into a joyous captivity" +(whatever that may mean), and maintains, against the father of one +of them apparently, that he is apt in the title he has given to +them and to their countless peers. I agree with the father and +think they deserve a new name of their own; such men as the +GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD HANKEY did +more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT, "the +Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised as +marking a production and a surprise of our own generation—the +"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally +reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel +that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant +"a selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great +war." Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons; +there should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the +dedication to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's +prose a certain affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter. +An instance is the reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation +of the quatrain:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Every day that passes</p> +<p class="i2">Filling out the year</p> +<p>Leaves the wicked Kaiser</p> +<p class="i2">Harder up for beer.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the +"Incorrigibles," doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word +"joyous."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I should certainly have supposed that recent history had +discounted popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in +other words, that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so +sensational a manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But +it appears that Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this +opinion. His latest story, <i>The Pester Finger</i> (SKEFFINGTON), +shows him as Ruritanian as ever. As usual we find that distressful +country, here called <i>Varavia</i>, in the throes of dynastic +upheaval, which centres, in a manner also not without precedent, in +the figure of a young and beautiful Princess. This lady, the last +of her race, had been adopted as ward—on, I thought, +insufficient introduction—by the hero, <i>Sir Francis +Vyse</i>. The situation was further complicated by the fact that in +his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have +prevented the murder of <i>Sonia's</i> august parents, and didn't. +Quite early I gave up counting how many times <i>Sir Francis</i> +and his fair ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and +generally knocked about. You never saw so convulsed a courtship; +for I will no longer conceal the fact that, when he was not more +strenuously engaged, he soon began to regard <i>Sonia</i> with a +softening eye. And as <i>Sonia</i> herself was growing up to +womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase, "muliebrity claimed +her definitely"—well, he is an enviable reader for whom the +last page will hold any considerable surprise.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to <i>A Naval Lieutenant, +1914-1918</i> (METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to +record his impressions of the "sea affair." He was in <i>H.M.S. +Southampton</i> during the earlier part of the War, and "on all the +four principal occasions when considerable German forces were +encountered in the North Sea, her guns were in action." Very +naturally he desired to do honour to this gallant light cruiser, +and I admire prodigiously the modest way in which he has done it. +"ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor of syntax might conceivably +be distressed by his confusion of prepositions; but apart from this +detail all is plain sailing—and fighting. I have read no more +thrilling account of the Battle of Jutland than is to be found +here. The author does it so well because he tells his story with +great simplicity and without what I believe he would call +"windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour, and would +even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if there +had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were +amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS OF INNOCENCE.</h3> +<p class="center">GOLF IN SPRINGTIME.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass,</p> +<p>Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play!</p> +<p>Now then, all together, boys—Me-e-eh!"</p> +<p>Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow,</p> +<p>Following your mothers, skipping as you go,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say!</p> +<p>Give it all together, boys—Me-e-e-eh!"</p> +<p>Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair,</p> +<p>Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day;</p> +<p>Once more let him have it, boys—Me-e-e-e-eh!"</p> +<p>Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew,</p> +<p>One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you,</p> +<p class="i10">Crying,</p> +<p>"Every time I foozled they bleated with delight.</p> +<p>Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="center">ALGOL.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/432.png"><img width="100%" src="images/432.png" alt= +"BORROWED THUNDER." /></a> +<h3>BORROWED THUNDER.</h3> +<p>"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?"</p> +<p>"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR +TWO."</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, May 28, 1919., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12232-h.htm or 12232-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/2/3/12232/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, May 28, 1919. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 1, 2004 [EBook #12232] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +May 28, 1919. + + + + + +[Illustration: "AUSTRIAE EST IMPERARE ORBI UNIVERSO". + +ONCE UPON A TIME. + +TO-DAY.] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +It was the pig, says an eminent Danish economist, that lost Germany +the War. His omission to specify which pig seems almost certain to +provoke further recriminations among the German High Command. + + *** + +After all, the War _may_ have wakened a new spirit in the nation. Up +to the time of writing no one has attempted to corner mint-sauce. + + *** + +A movement, we hear, is on foot to give a public welcome to the +cheeses on their return to our midst. It is thought that a march-past +could easily be arranged. + + *** + +Hackney will supply electricity to consumers at a special rate during +the Peace celebrations. The present price of one-and-sixpence per +kilowatt-and-soda practically inhibits anything like deep-seated +festivity. + + *** + +A Miners' Association in the North has decided not to establish a +weekly newspaper. Pending other arrangements they will do a little +light mining, but it must not be taken as a precedent. + + *** + +At a meeting of Hassocks allotment-holders a speaker stated that he +had seen rabbits jump a fence five feet high. Experts declare that +this is at least three feet over proof. + + *** + +As the outcome of suggestions by the Economy Committee at Eton Dr. +ALINGTON has made certain restrictions in regard to various articles +of dress, notably socks and mufflers. Henceforward only such socks as +do not require muffling will be worn. + + *** + +The cow that walked into the lending library at Walton Heath has +since explained that it merely wanted to look up "Manchuria" in the +encyclopaedia. + + *** + +It is said that the question of neutrality has caused most of the +delay in the formation of the League of Nations. We certainly realise +the difficulty in deciding how Norway and Switzerland could come to +grips, in the event of a War between these two countries, without +infringing the laws of neutrality. + + *** + +"No harm to the moon will result from the eclipse of the sun on May +28th," states a writer in an evening paper. This is good news for +those who have mining shares there. + + *** + +There is a falling off in the tanning of kids in India, says _The +Shoe and Leather Trades Record_. Smith minor talks of migrating to the +Orient. + + *** + +Government ale, says a trade paper, will shortly be on sale in some +parts of Ireland. This certainly ought to be a lesson to them. + + *** + +Two Parisians who had previously arranged to fight a duel have refused +to meet. It is supposed that they have quarrelled. + + *** + +As we go to press we are informed on good authority that the cat that +developed rabies last week has now been successfully killed eight +times, and it is expected that its final execution will have taken +place by the time this appears in print. + + *** + +We understand that the Tredegar Fire Brigade strike is settled. +Patrons are asked to bear with the Brigade, who have promised to work +off arrears of fires in strict rotation. + + *** + +A Surrey Church magazine appeals for funds to renovate the church +exits. For ourselves, if we were a parson, we shouldn't worry about +getting people out of church so long as we got them in. + + *** + +A Scottish Chamber of Commerce has passed a resolution in favour of +smaller One Pound Treasury Notes. If at the same time they could be +made a bit cheaper the movement would be a popular one. + + *** + +A taxi-driver who knocked down a pedestrian in Edgware Road and +then drove off has been summoned. His defence is that he mistook the +unfortunate man for an intending fare. + + *** + +The Northumberland Miners' Council has passed a resolution calling +on the Government to evacuate our troops from Russia, drop the +Conscription Bill, remove the blockade and release conscientious +objectors. Their silence on the subject of Dalmatia is being much +commented on. + + *** + +A report reaches us that Jazz is about to be made a notifiable +disease. + + * * * * * + +A SPRING IDYLL. + +If wound stripes were given to soldiers on becoming casualties to +Cupid's archery barrage, Ronnie Morgan's sleeve would be stiff with +gilt embroidery. The spring offensive claimed him as an early victim. +When be became an extensive purchaser of drab segments of fossilized +soap, bottles of sticky brilliantine with a chemical odour, and +postcards worked with polychromatic silk, the billet began to make +inquiries. + +"It's that little mam'zelle at the shop in the Rue de la Republique," +reported Jim Brown. "He spends all his pay and as much as he can +borrow of mine to get excuses for speaking to her." + +There was a period of regular visits and intense literary activity on +the part of Ronnie, followed by the sudden disappearance of Mam'zelle +and an endeavour by the disconsolate swain to liquidate his debts in +kind. + +"I owe you seven francs, Jim," said he. "If you give me another +three francs and I give you two bottles of brilliantine and a cake of +vanilla-flavoured soap we'll be straight." + +"Not me!" said Jim firmly. "I've no wish to be a scented fly-paper. +Have you frightened her away?" + +"She's been _swept_ away on a flood of my eloquence," said Ronnie +sadly. "But in the wrong direction; and after I'd bought enough +pomatum from her to grease the keel of a battleship, and enough soap +to wash it all off again. Good soap it is too, me lad; lathers well if +you soak it in hot water overnight." + +"How did you come to lose her?" asked Jim, steering the conversation +out of commercial channels. + +"The loss is hers," said Ronnie; "I wore holes in my tunic leaning +over the counter talking to her, and I made about as much progress as +a Peace Conference. I got soap instead of sympathy and scent instead +of sentiment. However, she must have got used to me, because one day +she asked if I would translate an English letter she'd received into +French. + +"'Now's your chance to make good,' I thought, language being my +strong suit; but I felt sick when I found it was a love-letter from +a presumptuous blighter at Calais, who signed himself 'Your devoted +Horace.' Still, to make another opportunity of talking to her, I +offered to write it out in French. She sold me a block of letter-paper +for the purpose, and I went home and wrote a lifelike translation. + +"She gave me a dazzling smile and warm welcome when I took it in, but +on the balance I didn't feel that I'd done myself much good. And next +day I'm dashed if she didn't give me another letter to translate, this +time signed 'Your loving Herbert.' Herbert, I discovered, was a sapper +who'd been transferred to Boulogne and, judging by his hand, was +better with a shovel than a pen. As an amateur in style I couldn't +translate his drivel word for word. Like _Cyrano_, the artist in +me rose supreme, and I manicured and curled his letter, painted and +embroidered it, and nearly finished by signing 'Ronnie' instead of +'Herbert.' + +"She was quite surprised when she read the translation. + +"_'C'est gentil, n'est-ce-pas_?' said she, kissing it and stuffing it +away in her belt. 'I did not think,' she went on in French, 'that the +dear stupid 'Erbert had so much eloquence.' I saw my error. I had made +a probable of a horse that hadn't previously got an earthly. So, to +adjust things, I refrigerated the next letter--which happened to be +from 'Orace--to the temperature of codfish on an ice block. And the +consequence was that Georgette sulked and would scarcely speak to me +for three whole days. + +"The situation, coldly reviewed, appeared to be like this. When 'Orace +or 'Erbert pleased her I got a share of the sunshine, but when their +love-making cooled her displeasure was visited on poor Ronnie. Any +advances on my own part were countered with sales of soap, customers +apparently being rarer than lovers. So I had to bide my time. + +"But one day letters from 'Orace and 'Erbert arrived simultaneously, +and were duly handed to the fourth party for necessary action. It +occurred to me that when the time came for me to enter the race on +my own behalf I need have little fear of 'Erbert as a rival, so I +determined to cut 'Orace out of the running. + +"I translated his letter first. I censored the tender parts, spun out +the padding and served it up like cold-hash. Then I set to work on +'Erbert. I got the tremolo stop out and the soft pedal on and made a +symphony of it. I made it a stream of trickling melody--blue skies, +yellow sunshine and scent of roses, with Georgette perched like a +sugar goddess on a silver cloud and 'Erbert trying to clamber up to +her on a silk ladder. To read it would have made a Frenchman proud of +his own language. Then, for dramatic effect, I took the letters, put +them on the counter and walked out without a word. 'That,' thought I, +'will do 'Orace's business--and then for 'Erbert!' + +"Next day, when I went to see the result, to my surprise I found +that her place behind the counter was taken by that little red-haired +Celestine. + +"'Where's Georgette?' said I. + +"'Ah, M'sieur, she has gone,' said Celestine. 'Figure to yourself, +this 'Orace, who used to write with ardour and spirit, sent her +yesterday a poor pitiful note. It made one's heart bleed to read +it, such halting appeal, such inarticulate sentiment. _"Le pauvre +garcon!"_ cried Georgette, "his passion is so strong he cannot find +words for it. He is stricken dumb with excess of feeling. I must be at +his side to comfort him." And she has flown like the wind to Calais, +that she may be affianced to him. But if M'sieur desires to buy the +soap I know the kind you prefer.' + +"So you see me," concluded Ronnie plaintively, "bankrupt in love and +money. Three francs, Jim, and I'll chuck in a packet of post-cards." + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF SIMLA. + +I.--THE BUREAUCRAT. + + Along a narrow mountain track + Stalking supreme, alone, + Head upwards, hands behind his back, + He swings his sixteen stone. + + Quit of the tinsel and the glare + That lit his forbears' lives, + His tweed-clad shoulders amply bear + The burden that was CLIVE'S. + + A man of few and simple needs + He smokes a briar--and yet + His rugged signature precedes + The half an alphabet. + + Across these green Elysian slopes + The Secretariat gleams, + The playground of his youthful hopes, + The workshop of his schemes. + + He sees the misty depths below, + Where plain and foothills, meet, + And smiles a wistful smile to know + The world is at his feet; + + To know that England calls him back; + To know that glory's path + Is leading to a _cul de sac_ + In Cheltenham or Bath; + + To know that all he helped to found, + The India of his prayers, + Has now become the tilting ground + Of MILL-bred doctrinaires. + + But his the inalienable years + Of faith that stirred the blood, + Of zeal that won through toil and tears, + And after him--the flood. + + J.M.S. + + * * * * * + + OUR FEMININE ATHLETES. + + "Wanted, Young Lady, vaults bar.--Apply personally, Mrs. + -----, Oddfellows' Arms."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT RENUNCIATION. + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "NO! I DON'T THINK IT QUITE SUITS MY AUSTERE TYPE OF +BEAUTY." + +[It is reported that the United States of America have declined to +accept a mandate for Constantinople.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PERFORMING LION AT MUSIC-HALL, HAVING GOT LOOSE, FINDS +ITS WAY TO ROOM OCCUPIED BY CHARWOMAN. + +_Char_. "NAH, THEN! I WON'T 'AVE THEM NASTY THINGS IN 'ERE. I CAN'T +ABIDE 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS. + +PEACE AND OTHER COMPLICATIONS. + +_Park Lane_. + +DEAREST DAPHNE,--Already everyone's got peace-strain and what state +we shall all be in by the time it's actually signed I haven't the +dimmest. People have their own ideas of how they mean to celebrate it, +and when they find that other people have the same ideas and mean to +do the same things at the same time there are alarums and excursions, +and things are said, and quite several people who were dear friends +during the War don't speak now owing to the peace! + +_Par exemple_, marches and processions being so much in the air, +I'd planned a lovely Procession of Knitters; two enormous gilt +knitting-needles to be carried by the leaders and a banner with "We +Knitted our Way to Victory!" and myself on a triumphal car dressed in +white silk-knitting. And then, just as everything was being arranged +at our "Knitters' Peace Procession" committee meetings, I found that +Beryl Clarges had _stolen my idea_ and was arranging a "Crochet Peace +Procession," with an immense gilt crochet-hook to be carried in front, +and a banner with some nonsense about crochet on it, and herself on a +triumphal car dressed in crochet! + +I said exactly what I thought before I left off speaking to her. + +Then, again, everyone wants to give a dance on peace night. I'd +settled to give a big affair with some perfectly new departures, and +all the nicest people I wanted have said, "Sorry, dearest, but I'm +giving one myself that night." I've no patience with the silliness and +selfishness of everybody. + +Talking of dances, one's getting a bit _degoutee_ of Jazz bands and +steps. When _ces autres_ get hold of anything it always begins to +leave off being amusing. There's really a new step, however, the Peace +Leap, that hasn't yet been quite _use_ and spoilt by the outlying +tribes. The origin of it was a little funny. Chippy Havilland was +at one of Kickshaw's Jazz dinners one night, where people fly out of +their seats to one-step and two-step between the courses and during +the courses and all the time. Well, while Chippy was eating his fish +the band struck up that catchy Jazz-stagger, "She's corns on her +toes," and Chippy, his mouth full of fish, jumped up and began to +dance. _Of course_ several fish-bones flew down his throat, and while +he was choking he did such fearful and wonderful things that the whole +room, not dreaming the poor dear was at his _dernier soupir_, broke +out clapping and shouting and then imitated him, and by the time +Chippy felt better he found himself famous and everybody doing the +Peace Leap, which has completely cut out the Jazz-stagger, the Wolf's +Prowl and everything else. + +Oh, my dearest, who _do_ you think are among the crowd of married +people who're going to celebrate peace by dissolving partnership? The +Algy Mallowdenes! Our prize couple! The _flitchiest_ of Dunmow Flitch +pairs! The _turtlest_ of turtle--doves! Whenever people spoke of +marriage as played out other people always weighed in with, "Well, but +look at the Algy Mallowdenes." + +They married on war-bread and Government cheese and kisses +(unrationed). Seriously, though, _m'amie_, I believe they'd +scarcely anything beyond his two thousand pounds a year as Permanent +Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary at the No-Use-Coming-Here +Office. Certainly an "official residence" and a staff of servants were +allowed 'em, but when poor Lallie asked to have a ball-room built, and +Algy said he simply _must_ have a billiard-room and smoke-room added, +one of those fearful red-flag creatures got up in the House just +as the money was going to be voted and made such an uproar that the +matter was dropped. + +And then, having heaps of spare time at the No-Use-Coming-Here Office, +Algy began to write novels and found himself at once. You've read some +of them, of course? Life with a big L, my dear. Every kind of world +while you wait, the upper, the under, and the half. Lallie was +very glad of the money that came rolling in, but I believe she said +wistfully, "How does my gentle quiet Algy know so much about +this, that and the other?" And her gentle quiet Algy made answer: +"Intuition, dear; imagination; the novelist's temperament." + +By-and-by, however, she began to hear of his being seen at the Umpty +Club and Gaston's, chatting with Pearl Preston (one of those people, +you know, Daphne, who're immensely talked about but never mentioned). +And then a "certain liveliness" set in at the official residence of +the Permanent Irremovable Assistant Under-Secretary. + +"You silly little goosey!" said Algy; "don't you see that it's not as +a man who admires her but as a novelist who's studying her that I +talk to Pearl Preston? She's my next heroine. A heroine like that is a +_sine qua non_ in a novel of the Modernist school." + +But Lallie _couldn't_ see the dif between a man and a novelist, and +Algy _couldn't_ write his best seller without studying its heroine, +and so--and so--at last our poor prize couple are in that long list +that an overworked judge complained of the other day. And if you ask +for the moral I suppose it's "Don't try to study character where there +isn't any." + +This is emphatically a season for _arms_, my Daphne, which seems quite +a good little idea for peace-time! Faces and figures don't count; it's +the arm, the whole arm and nothing but the arm! There are all sorts +of stunts for attracting attention to round white arms, and if one has +the other kind one had better go and do a rest-cure. Your Blanche is +beyond criticism in that respect, as you know, and the other night at +the opera I'd a _succes fou_ with a big black-enamel beetle, held in +place by an invisible platinum chain, crawling on my upper arm. + +Lady Manoeuvrer is simply _ravie de joie_ at the rage for arms, for +her Daffodil, who's been a great worry to her (she's the only clever +one, you know, all the others being pretty), has the best arms of the +whole bunch. She's taken Madame Fallalerie's course, "The Fascination +of the Arms," and is made to flourish hers about from morn to +night, poor child, till she sometimes does a small weep from sheer +exhaustion. The other day at Kempford Races, in a no-sleeved coatee +with a black sticking-plaster racehorse in full gallop on her upper +arm, she attracted plenty of attention and had two offers, I hear. +Arms and the man, again! + +_A propos_, Lady Manoeuvrer told me yesterday she'd sent a +thank-offering to one of the hospitals. "But how sweet of you!" I +said. "For the restoration of Peace, I suppose?" "No, dearest," she +whispered; "for the restoration of the London Season!" + +Ever thine, BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tube Habitue (homeward bound)._ "TWO STRAPS, +'AMMERSMITH."] + + * * * * * + + "LETTS TAKE RIGA." + + _Daily Mail._ + +Yes, and let's keep it. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Manager (introducing music-hall turn)._ "LADIES +AND GENTLEMEN, KHAGOOLA WILL NOW PROCEED TO GIVE HIS ASTOUNDING +CLAIRVOYANT, MEMORY AND SECOND SIGHT ACT, AND WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTION +THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE MAY PUT TO HIM." + +_Voice from Gallery_. "TELL US WHERE THERE'S A 'OUSE TO LET."] + + * * * * * + +MURMAN AMENITIES. + +This was to have been an essay from an igloo, describing the +awful privations of the writer and the primitive savagery of his +surroundings on the Murman coast. It was to have wrung the sympathetic +heart of the public and at the same time to have enthralled the +student of barbaric life with its wealth of exotic detail. While +embodying all the best-known newspaper _cliches_ appropriated to these +latitudes it was to have included others specially and laboriously +prepared after a fascinating study of Arctic literature. + +But circumstances have blighted its early inspiration, and the article +it was to have been will never be written, the telling word-pictures +designed on board the transport never executed. + +Figure the disgust of five adventurers who, landing at the Murman +base, sternly braced to encounter the last extremity of peril and of +hardship, to sleep in the snow and dig one another out o' mornings, +to give the weakest of their number the warmest icicle to suck, the +longest candle to chew--found themselves billeted in a room which the +landladies of home would delight to advertise! Its walls were hung +with such pictures as give cheap lodgings half their horror; it was +encumbered with countless frail chairs and "kiggly" tables, and upon +every flat surface had settled a swarm of albums, framed photographs, +china dogs, wax flowers, penholder-stands, and all the choicest +by-products of civilization struggling towards culture. As we were not +to be frozen by exposure or immediately attacked by Bolshies, we might +reasonably have expected to be asphyxiated by the Russian stove; but +even this consolation was denied us, since Madame, convinced that +the English are mad in their love of fresh air, consented to leave it +unlit. + +When first we arrived, five large soldiers with five large kits, the +aspect of the room filled us with terror. The fiercest frost or foe we +could have faced, but the bravest man may quail before wax-flowers and +fragile tables top-heavy with ornaments and knick-knacks, and all felt +that to encounter such things within the Arctic Circle was an unfair +test of our fortitude. Why had not the War Office or some newspaper +correspondent warned us? + +Madame, however, proved to have a sense of proportion or humour; or +perhaps the collection was not her own. In any case she showed no +reluctance to displace family photographs or china dogs, and rapidly +had the room cleared for action; so that now, when we roll about the +floor in friendly struggle, it is only someone's toilet tackle that +crashes with its spidery table, instead of cherished artificial fauna +and flora. + +Thanks to our serviceable and becoming Arctic kit and the steady +approach of the Spring thaw, heralded by the preparation of spare +bridges to replace the existing ones, we can defy the eccentricities +of the climate. Even the language begins to reveal what might be +termed hand-holds; though possibly, when the natives echo our words +of greeting, painfully acquired from textbooks on Russian, they are +simply imitating the sounds we make under the impression that they are +learning a little English. + +More difficult problems arise, however, regarding questions of +military etiquette. Not King's Regulations, nor Military Law, nor +any handbook devotes even a sub-paragraph to light and leading upon +certain points which we have here to consider every day. For example, +if a subaltern glissading on ski down the village street, maintaining +his precarious balance by the aid of a "stick" in each hand, meets +a General, also on ski and also a novice, what should happen? What +_does_ happen we know by demonstration: the subaltern brandishes both +sticks round his head, slides forward five yards, smartly crosses the +points of his ski and then, plunging forward, buries his head in the +wayside drift, while the General Officer sits down and says what he +thinks. But we do not know if these gestures of natural courtesy are +such as our mentors would approve. No authority has set up for us any +ideal in such matters. From official rules of deportment the British +soldier knows how to salute when on foot or mounted on bicycle, horse, +mule, camel, elephant, motor-lorry or yak, but no provision has been +made for the case of an army scooting on ski. So here we are at large +in the Arctic Circle, coping with new conditions by the light of +nature, and paying such perilous "compliments" to senior officers as +our innate courtesy and sense, of balance suggest and permit. + +Further, consider the question of dress. Even the gunners, who in the +late war used to wear riding-breeches of their favourite colour, no +matter what it was, the kind of footgear they most fancied, and any +old variety of hat they thought becoming, are shocked by the fantastic +kit that is countenanced in this latitude. It must be borne in mind +that most of us are old campaigners and old nomads whose tailors have +grown accustomed to build us appropriate gear for various climes. +Fashions for fighting in France, in Egypt, in Mesopotamia, have gained +a hold upon our affections, to say nothing of those designs for civil +breadwinning or moss-dodging in Central Africa, Bond Street, Kirkcaldy +or Dawson City. The consequence is that here, pretty well out of +A.P.M. range, sartorial individualism flourishes unchecked. Thus +the eye is startled to behold a fur headdress as big as a busby, an +ordinary service tunic, gaberdine breeches, shooting stockings and +Shackleton boots, going about as component parts of one officer's +make-up; or snow-goggles worn with flannel trousers, or sharp-toothed +Boreas defied by a bare head and a chamois-leather jerkin; or the +choice flowers of Savile Row associated with Canadian moccasins. + +What idea will the North Russians retain of the outward appearance of +the typical British officer? How will the little Lapps, befurred and +smiling, who come sliding to market behind the trotting reindeer, +report of us to the smaller Lapps at home? In any case I hope we shall +found a legend of a well-meaning if peculiar and patchwork people. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES IN EARLY TIMES. + +_British Matron (whose husband has just had his weekly coat of woad, +to visitor)._ + +"I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT MY HUSBAND CAN'T SEE YOU TILL HE'S DRY."] + + * * * * * + + "Gas Stoker wanted for 11 million works, used to gas + engine and exhauster; 50_s_. per week of seven 12-hour + shifts."--_Advt. in Daily Paper_. + +In the circumstances the reference to "exhauster" seems superfluous. + + * * * * * + +NEW AIDS TO THE ANGRY. + +The readers of the Personal Column of _The Times_ were lately +refreshed by the following entry:-- + + "Would the person in the green Tyrolese hat note that though + it may be a custom on his own course to pocket golf-balls on + the fairway, it is not done elsewhere." + +For long the Personal Column has been a vehicle for appeal and regret, +for affection and grief, in addition to its other manifold uses; but +as an instrument of admonishment it is fresh. The tragic thing is that +up to the time of going to press the green Tyrolese hat has made no +reply. Either it does not read _The Times_ or it has been rendered +speechless. We were longing for some first-class recriminations. + +The new fashion is sure to spread. For example, any morning we are +liable to find this:-- + + Would the lady (?) in the purple toque note that, though it + may be the thing in her home to disregard the feelings of + others, the abstraction of someone else's chair at a White + Sale at Blankridge's is not the thing. + +And again:-- + + The female with a red parasol, who thought it her duty to + struggle like a wild-cat for a place on a No. 11 bus, opposite + the Stores, on Friday afternoon last at a quarter to three, + may be interested in learning that the service is not run + solely for her. + +And a more intimate note still may be struck. Something like this may +be looked for:-- + + Will Lydia Lopokova take pity on an unhappy and neglected + wife, whose husband has stated that he would resume dining at + home only on condition that the table was laid as it is laid + in _The Good-Humoured Ladies_? + + * * * * * + +BEFORE. + + Before I was a little girl I was a little bird, + I could not laugh, I could not dance, I could not speak a word; + But all about the woods I went and up into the sky-- + And isn't it a pity I've forgotten how to fly? + + I often came to visit you. I used to sit and sing + Upon our purple lilac bush that smells so sweet in Spring; + But when you thanked me for my song of course you never knew + I soon should be a little girl and come to live with you. + + R. F. + + * * * * * + + MORE DILLYDALLYING. + + "Arbitration is to be adopted first in disputes + between members of the League, then meditation by the + Council."--_Liverpool Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THE TREACHEROUS SON. + +I certainly hoped when I took up my quarters in this quiet village +that there would be no jarring note to disturb the idyllic peace of +my surroundings. And yet I had not been long in this pleasant +sitting-room, with its outlook on blossom-laden fruit-trees, +creamy-spired chestnuts and wooded down, before I became aware that a +pitiful and rather sordid little domestic drama was in progress within +fifty yards from my open windows. I discovered a son in the act of +encouraging his aged and apparently imbecile parent to gamble with +a professional swindler! Not that I have actually seen them thus +engaged. As a matter of fact I have merely heard a few short +remarks--and those were all spoken by the son. But, as everyone knows, +even a single sentence accidentally overheard by an observant stranger +may give him a clearer insight into the unknown, and possibly unseen, +speaker's character than could be gained from countless chapters of a +modern analytical novel. + +So these four sentences were quite enough for _me_. Perhaps I should +mention here that the three personages in this drama are birds--which +makes it all the more painful. + +Like many of our British birds, the sole speaker occasionally drops +into English, or I should never have understood what was going on. +He may be a blackbird or thrush, but I doubt it, because I know all +_their_ remarks, while his are new to me. If A.A.M. heard them he +would probably tell me they were those of a "Blackman's Warbler," and +I should have believed him--once. Hardly now, after he has so airily +exposed his title as an authority; but even as it is I should not +dream of questioning his statement that "the egg of course is +rather more speckled," because I can well believe that the egg this +bird--whatever he is--came from was very badly speckled indeed. + +It seems that, some time ago--I can't say when exactly, but it was +before I came down here--this unnatural son introduced to the parental +abode (which I think is either No. 5 or No. 6 in a row of young +chestnuts abutting on the high road) a rook of more than dubious +reputation, whom he persuaded his unsuspecting sire to put up for +the night. And there the rook has been ever since. As I said, I have +neither heard nor seen him, but I'm positive he's _there_. I am unable +to give the precise date on which he first led the conversation to the +good old English game of "rigging the thimble"--that also was before I +came. All I can state with certainty is that he interested his host in +it so effectually that now the infatuated old fool is playing it all +day long. + +This is evident from his son's conversation; during the pause which +invariably precedes it I should undoubtedly hear the father-bird (if +he would only speak up--which he doesn't) quavering, "I'm not sure, +my boy, I'm not _sure_, but I've a notion that, _this_ time, he's left +the pea under the _middle_ thimble--eh?" + +On which the young scoundrel, knowing well that it is elsewhere, +pipes out, "There it _is_, Fa-ther, there it _is_, Fa-ther!" with +an unctuous humility shading into impatient contempt that is simply +indescribable, being indeed too revolting for words. + +Then, as the father still wavers, his son makes some observations +which I cannot quite follow, but take to be on the fairness of the +game as played with a sportsbird, and the certainty that the luck must +turn sooner or later. After which he exhorts him--this time in plain +English--to "be a bird." Whereupon the doting old parent decides that +he _will_ be a bird and back the middle thimble, and the next moment I +hear the son exclaim, evidently referring to the rook, "No, '_e_'s got +it; no, '_e_'s got it. Cheer up! Cheer up!" with a perfunctory +concern that is but a poor disguise for indecent exultation. I am not +suggesting, by the way, that birds are in the habit of dropping their +"h's"--but _this_ one does. There are times when he is so elated by +his parent's defeat that he cannot repress an outburst of inarticulate +devilry. And so the game goes on, minute after minute, hour after +hour, every day from dawn to dusk. The amount of grains or grubs or +whatever the stakes may be (and it is not likely that any rook would +play for love), that that old idiot must have lost even since I have +been here, is beyond all calculation. He has never once been allowed +to spot the right thimble, but he _will_ go on. As to the son's motive +in permitting it, any bird of the world would tell you that, if you +possess a senile parent who is bound to be rooked by somebody, it +had better be by a person with whom you can come to a previous +arrangement. + +Now I come to think of it, though, I have not heard the unnatural +offspring once since I sat down to write this. Can it have dawned at +last upon his parent that this is one of those little games where the +odds are a trifle too heavy in favour of the Table? Or can the son +have sickened of his own villainy and washed his claws of his shady +confederate? I don't know why, but I am almost beginning to hope.... +No; through the open window comes the well-known cry, "There it _is_, +Fa-ther! There it _is_, Fa-ther! Be a bird! Be a _bird_!... No, '_e_'s +got it! No, '_e_'s got it! Cheer up! Cheer up!" They are at it again! + +F.A. + + * * * * * + +A SHADY TENANT. + + [From inquiries made by a _Daily Chronicle_ representative it + appears that the present demand for housing accommodation is + such that people no longer draw the line at ghosts.] + + The problem at last is a thing of the past; + Doubts and fears, Geraldine, are at rest; + We can put up the banns and make definite plans, + For the love-birds will soon have a nest. + I've inspected, my sweet, the sequestered retreat + In which we are destined to dwell, + And on thinking things out I have not the least doubt + It will suit us exceedingly well. + + There are drawbacks, I grant, but one nowadays can't + Have perfection, as you are aware, + And I'm sure you won't grouse when I state that the house + Is both damp and in need of repair. + I might add there's a floor that shows traces of gore; + I discovered the latter to be + That of one Lady Jane, who was brutally slain + By her husband in Sixteen-Two-Three. + + Years have passed since the time of that dastardly crime, + But the victim's intangible shade + Can be seen to this day, so the villagers say, + In diaphanous garments arrayed. + In the gloom of the room where she met with her doom + She's appearing once nightly, it seems, + And the listener quails as lugubrious wails + Are succeeded by agonised screams. + + But the trivial flaws I have mentioned need cause + No concern; I am certain that you + Will approve of my choice, Geraldine, and rejoice + In the thought that our haven's in view. + In the likely event of your mother's descent + There's the warmest of welcomes in store, + And a rug I'll provide for her bedroom, to hide + That indelible stain on the floor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PAUSE BEFORE RECONSTRUCTION.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Bridesmaid (loudly, in middle of ceremony)._ +"MUMMIE, ARE WE ALL GETTING MARRIED?"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW ARM. + +_(On perceiving William in mufti again and carrying one.)_ + + What is this implement of warfare, Bill? + What seed of fire within its entrails slumbers? + Does it unfold at all? Run through the drill, + Doing it first by numbers. + + Not a grenade and not a parachute? + Some remnant rather of the ancient folly, + Some touch of times before the Big Dispute? + I have it now! A brolly. + + Yes, and it opens outwards like a tent, + Guarding the sacred poll from skies injurious. + Up with it! Let us see your tops'ls bent. + How splendid! And how curious! + + Do it again, Bill. I am better now; + Only at first, perhaps, I slightly trembled. + Press on the little clutch and show me how + The parts are reassembled. + + To think men poked these things into the sky, + Fearing to face the storm's minutest particles, + Through four long hectic years, whilst you and I + Forgot there were such articles. + + It brings the old times back to one again, + The grim-eyed crowd that faced the morning's dolours + Doing their very best to drip the rain + Down other people's collars; + + The fond, fond pair beneath a single dome; + The fight to ride on Hammersmiths and Chelseas; + The rapture when you found on reaching home + Your gamp was someone else's. + + O symbol of routine and office hours! + O emblem of the soft civilian status! + Shall I too deign to roof me from the showers + With such an apparatus? + + Shall I consent to grasp within my hand + The sign of serfdom and to get the habit + Of marching like a mushroom down the Strand, + A mushroom on a rabbit? + + Never. O hateful sight! And yet--and yet + I'm not so sure. This month has been a dry one; + June will most probably be beastly wet; + P'r'aps, after all, I'll buy one. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + EAST IS EAST. + + "The Girl Guides are doing well.... Another guide was + married this month to Corporal ----. We wish them all + happiness."--_Diocesan Magazine (India)._ + +Corporal ---- appears to be a specialist. + + * * * * * + + "There are persistent rumours of a plot to bring back the old + regime and put either a Hohenzollern or a representative of + some other Royal house on the Thorne of Germany."--_Canadian + Paper_. + +EX-KAISER (_loq_.): "No, thanks; I've had some." + + * * * * * + + "OXFORD FOR HOLIDAYS.--Most beautiful city in England. Good + lodgings and boating. Two golf links and fishing."--_Advt. in + Provincial Paper_. + +We seem to remember, too, some mention of an educational establishment +in connection with the place. + + * * * * * + + OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + + "There have been cases, we believe, in which the height of a + person has increased after the person had reached mature age, but + it has always been suspected that this was due to greater + uprightness. A man who stoops always looks shorter than when he + is standing quite upright. But no such explanation as this can be + given for an apparent increase of the human head. If a head + really requires a larger hat it must be because the head is + larger."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONOUR SATISFIED. + +GERMAN DELEGATE. "SIGN? I'D SOONER DIE! _(Aside)_ AFTER WHICH +PRELIMINARY REMARKS I WILL NOW SELECT A NIB."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, May 19th._--The coalminers lately received concessions in +wages and hours that are going to cost the country twenty millions +sterling in the present financial year. The first result of this boon +(_teste_ Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES) is that they are turning out less coal +per man than ever, and that the unhappy consumer must look forward to +a further reduction in his already meagre ration. It is rather hard +upon Mr. SMILLIE, who daily dilates in the Coal Commission upon the +hardships of the miner's life, that his clients should let him down +like this. + +For a thorough-going democrat commend me to Lieutenant-Commander +KENWORTHY, the new Member for Central Hull, whose latest idea is that +before British troops are sent to any new front the approval of the +House of Commons should be obtained. I suspect that if, during his +active-service days, some Member had proposed a similar restriction +on the movements of the Fleet the comments of the gallant Commander +himself would have been more pithy than Parliamentary. + +[Illustration: LADIES IN GOVERNMENT MOTOR-CARS. + +_General Seely._ "WELL, HARDLY EVER."] + +The number of motor-cars at the disposal of the Air Ministry now +stands at the apparently irreducible minimum of forty-two. Quite a +number of the officials use train or bus, like ordinary folk; some +have even been seen to walk; and there has been such a slump in +"joy-riding" that when asked if ladies were now carried in the +official chariots General SEELY was able to assure the House that that +never happens; though I think he added under his breath--"well, hardly +ever." + +There was barely a quorum when Colonel LESLIE WILSON rose to introduce +the estimates of the Shipping Controller. This was a pity, for he had +a good story to tell of the mercantile marine, and told it very well. +He was less successful on the subject of the "national shipyards," +which have cost four millions of money and in two years have not +succeeded in turning out a single completed ship. With the wisdom that +comes after the event Sir CHARLES HENRY fulminated ferociously against +the "superman" who had imposed this "disastrous scheme" upon the +country. + +This brought up the superman himself, Sir ERIC GEDDES, who in the most +vigorous speech he has yet delivered in the House defended the scheme +as being absolutely essential at the time it was initiated. It was +a war-time expedient, which changing circumstances had rendered +unnecessary; but if the War and the U-boat campaign had gone on it +might have been the salvation of the country. After all you can't +expect to have shipyards without making a few slips. + +_Tuesday, May 20th._--The advance of woman continues. Very soon she +will have her foot upon the first rung of the judicial ladder, and be +able to write J.P. after her name, for the LORD CHANCELLOR, pointing +out that in this matter the Government were bound to honour the +pledges of the PRIME MINISTER, gracefully swallowed Lord BEAUCHAMP'S +Bill. He took occasion, however, to warn the prospective justicesses +(if that is the right term) that, as the Commissions of the Peace were +already fully manned, it might be some time before any large number +of ladies could be added to the roll of those who, in the words of the +Prayer-book, "indifferently administer justice." + +[Illustration: THE LONG PULL. + +MR. ROBERTS RESPONDS TO HIS COUNTRY'S CALL.] + +Quite unintentionally, of course, Mr. BOTTOMLEY did the Government a +real service in the Commons. Every day since his return from Paris Mr. +BONAR LAW has been pestered with inquiries as to when, if ever, the +House was to be allowed to discuss the Peace terms, and has evaded +a direct answer with more or less ingenuity. This afternoon Mr. +BOTTOMLEY, after hearing that the LEADER OF THE HOUSE had "nothing to +add" to his previous replies, asked if he was right in supposing that, +when the Treaty came up for ratification, the House must take it or +leave it, and would have no power to amend it in any respect. Mr. LAW +joyfully jumped at the chance of ending the daily catechism once for +all. "That," he said, "exactly represents the position, and I do not +see in what other way any Treaty could ever be arranged." + +In anticipation of the debate on the Finance Bill Mr. SYDNEY ARNOLD +sought an admission from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER that the +income-tax on small incomes was hardly worth retaining, owing to the +cost of collection. Not at all, said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. It costs six +hundred thousand pounds and brings in eight million. Of course, he +added, it costs more proportionately to collect small amounts than +large. If the whole of the income-tax could be paid by one individual +the cost of collection would be _nil_. One imagined the CHANCELLOR +on the eve of the Budget wishing, _a la_ NERO, that the whole of the +British people had but one purse, into which he could dip as deeply +and as often as he pleased. + +The debate on the Finance Bill was largely devoted to the proposed +"levy on capital," which a section of the "Wee Frees," who already +display fissiparous tendencies, have borrowed from the Labourites. +After their amendment was framed, however, Mr. ASQUITH spoke at +Newcastle, and ostentatiously refused to say a word about the new +nostrum. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, anxious to avoid displeasing either +his old leader or his new supporters, contented himself with the +suggestion that a Commission should be set up to consider the subject. + +The CHANCELLOR had little difficulty in disposing of the amendment. +He might, indeed, have contented himself with quoting the War Bond +advertisements, which daily inform us that the patriotic investor +"will receive the whole of his money back with a substantial premium." + +The Preference proposals which Mr. ACLAND had described as bred "by +Filial Piety out of the Board of Trade" received the unexpected aid of +Sir ALFRED MOND, who disposed of his Cobdenite prejudices as easily as +the conjurer swallows his gloves, and unblushingly asserted that the +tiny Preference now proposed, far from being the advance-guard of +Protection, was in reality a very strong movement towards Free Trade. +Comforted by this authoritative declaration Coalition Liberals helped +the Government to defeat the amendment by 317 to 72. + +_Wednesday, May 21st._--The Peers being as usual rather short of work +at this period of the Session, the LORD CHANCELLOR introduced a Bill +"to enable the Official Solicitor for the time being to exercise +powers and duties conferred on the person holding the office of +Official Solicitor." + +The rumours that have lately appeared in the papers, to the effect +that the FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was contemplating revolutionary +alterations at Hampton Court--in particular that he was going to +transform the famous pond-garden into something quite different: a +MOND-garden, in fact--are, it seems, grossly exaggerated. All that he +has done is to appoint a Committee of experts to advise him what, if +any, changes are desirable. + +The resumed debate on the Finance Bill was enlivened by some personal +details. By way of showing that even without a levy on capital the +rich man bears his share of the burdens of the State, Sir EDWARD +CARSON remarked that, when he receives a retainer, he immediately +allows for the super-tax and enters it in his fee-book at only +half the amount. He had had one that very morning. "Say it was five +pounds"--and the House laughed loudly at such an absurd supposition. + +Then we had Lord HUGH CECIL pointing his argument that the importance +of the proposed Preference to the Dominions was political rather than +economical by the remark that if he was going to be married--which he +fervently hoped would not happen to him--he would expect his mythical +bride to value his engagement-ring less for its pecuniary than its +sentimental value. + +A capital speech by Mr. STANLEY BALDWIN, one of the few men in the +House who talks finance as if he really understood it, wound up the +debate, and procured the Finance Bill a second reading _nem. con._ + +_Thursday, May 22nd._--The Ministry of Health Bill came up for third +reading in the Lords. An eleventh-hour attempt by the Government +to provide the new Minister with an additional Under-Secretary was +heavily defeated, Lord DOWNHAM being appropriately enough one of the +Tellers for the Opposition. + +The Commons heard some good news. Mr. KENDALL'S pathetic story of an +angling-party which, after walking five miles along a dusty road to +its favourite hostelry, found it adorned with the now too frequent +notice, "Closed--No Beer," brought a most sympathetic reply from Mr. +GEORGE ROBERTS, who boldly confessed, "I am a believer in good beer +myself," and later on announced that the Government had decided to +increase the output from twenty million to twenty-six million standard +barrels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Geordie (after intently watching conductor of Jazz +band for some time)._ "AH'VE HAD ENOUGH O' THIS. YON CHAP WI' STICK'S +ONLY CODDIN'. HE'S NOT HIT ONE OF 'EM SINCE WE CAAME IN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer._ "WELL, I BE MAIN GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK FROM +THE WAR. I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE THINKING OF TAKING TO WORK NOW?"] + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + +The original answer to the question at the head of these insignificant +remarks was (correct me if I am wrong) nothing. "A rose," said +_Juliet_, "by any other name would smell as sweet." But of course she +was wrong. If a rose were handed to a visitor in the garden, with the +words, "Do see how wonderful this onion is!" such a prejudice would be +set up as fatally to impair its fragrance. There is, in fact, much +in a name; and therefore the attempt of a correspondent of _The Daily +Express_ to find a generic nomenclature for domestic servants should +be given very serious attention; the purpose being to meet "the +objection felt by so many women servants to being either called by +Christian or surname." + +As a means of placating this very sensitive class the correspondent +writes:-- + +"One nearly always calls a cook by the name of her calling. I +therefore suggest that a name be adopted beginning with the first +letter of the class. For example:-- + + Lady's-maid Louise. + Parlourmaid Palmer. + Housemaid Hannah. + General Gertrude. + Scullerymaid Sarah." + +Here we have materials for a sweeping innovation which might, if it +spread, not only simplify life but reinforce the language. For why +confine such terms to domestic servants? If all parlourmaids are to be +called "Palmer," why not, for example, call all editors "Eddy" (very +good Eddy, or very bad Eddy, according to taste)? And all London +County Councillors, "Elsie"? + +But let us look a little narrowly at the specimens given. "Palmer" +for "parlourmaid" is good; but "Louise" does not reproduce the sound +values of "lady's-maid." Some such word as "Lais" would be better, or +why not "Lady-bird," which combines the desired similarity with the +new euphemism "home-bird," invented to help transform domestic service +to a privilege and pleasure? "Hannah" for "housemaid" is also wrong, +although for "handmaid" it would be good. On the analogy of "Palmer," +why not call all housemaids "How"? or even "House"? + +If American Colonels can be called HOUSE, why not English housemaids? +For generals "Jenny" would be better than "Gertrude"; and for +scullery-maids "Scully." "Scully" is quite a good name; there is a +distinguished psychologist named SULLY, and there was an M.P. for +Pontefract named GULLY. No scullery-maid need be offended. + +It is odd how we call some persons by their profession or calling, and +others not. We say "Doctor," but we do not address our gum-architect +as "Dentist." We say "Carpenter," but we do not address a plumber as +"Plumber." (Incidentally, all plumbers might be called Warner). We +say "Gardener" and "Coachman," but we do not address an advocate as +"Barrister." If we had a definite rule everything would be simple, but +as we have not it is necessary to find several more names. I am not at +all satisfied with _The Daily Express's_ test. For example, what would +a second parlour-maid be called? If three were kept they might be +called Palm, Palmer and Palmist. A long vista of difficulties opens. + + * * * * * + +RUS IN URBE. + + ["Encouraged by the summer weather yesterday, a titled lady + took her tea with some friends on the footway at Belsize + Park Gardens, Hampstead. Unsympathetic passers-by, + however, complained of the obstruction ... and, following + representation to the police by the public, the _al-fresco_ + tea-party was broken up."--_Daily News_.] + +In spite of the innate conservatism of the police we are pleased +to think that the seeds of a happy unconventionality, sown by this +courageous lady of title, have already borne fruit. + +On Thursday night, about ten o'clock, the attention of passers-by was +drawn to a four-post bed, which was being trundled along the Strand +by eight stalwart footmen. On it reposed the Duke of Sleepyacres. It +appears that his Grace, on return from active service, found that the +confined air of an ordinary bed-room engendered insomnia. He therefore +conceived the idea of sleeping in the open-air and caused his bed to +be placed in the centre of the Strand, opposite the entrance to the +Savoy Hotel. The presence of the sleeping nobleman might have been +unnoticed, had not Mr. SMILLIE chanced to pass the spot on his way +from dining after a session of the Coal Commission. His eye was +immediately caught by the ducal crest on the panels of the bed. +Suspicious that this was a dastardly attempt on the part of a +member of the landed classes to obtain sleeping-rights in a public +thoroughfare, Mr. SMILLIE lodged a complaint with the police, and the +Duke was removed to Bow Street. + +Some mild interest has been displayed by the public in a camp which +has been established by three subalterns in the roadway at the corner +of Charing Cross and Northumberland Avenue. It is a small and quite +inconspicuous affair, consisting merely of an army pattern bell-tent, +a camp fire and a few deck chairs. Our representative recently visited +the occupants to ascertain the reason for their presence. After +hastily declining an offer of a glass of E.F.C. port, smuggled over +from France, he inquired with polite interest whether his hosts +contemplated a lengthy stay. They replied that they did. They were +waiting for their demobilisation gratuities. The locality, they added, +was a quiet one, where advancing old age could be met in comfortable +meditation. Also the offices of Messrs. Cox, Box & Co., the Regimental +Agents, were in convenient proximity, and the latest news of the +gratuities could be obtained with a minimum of trouble. Up to the +present the police have not interfered with them, apparently taking +them for workmen employed in repairing the roadway. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"KISSING TIME." + +For an infrequent worshipper at the shrine of Musical Comedy the +atmosphere of a first night at a new, or renascent, theatre is perhaps +rather too heady. There are so many potent vintages set on the board; +so many connoisseurs who will offer to tell you beforehand of the +merits of their favourite brands. + +I confess, to my shame, that when an actor with whose gifts I am +unfamiliar is received on his entrance with a storm of applause, I +am not prejudiced, as I ought to be, in his favour. On the contrary I +follow his performance the more judicially, and if I cannot find that +it corresponds to his apparent reputation I am apt (wrongly again) to +conclude that the fault lies with him and not with myself. + +[Illustration: THE OLD GAIETY IN A NEW HOME. + +MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH AND MR. LESLIE HENSON AT THE WINTER GARDEN +THEATRE.] + +But in the case of _Kissing Time_, after a rather dull First Act, +during which I kept telling myself that I was not suffering from +senile decay, I had to admit that the gods were in a great measure +justified of their elect. For one thing the authors, taking a bold +and original line (from the French), had produced a coherent plot; +and both dialogue and lyrics were above what I understand to be +the average in this kind. One expects, of course, a little Cockney +licence--"pyjamas" rhymed with "Palmer's," and so on--and a certain +amount of popular banality, as in the song, "Some Day" (rapturously +approved); but there were excellent verses on the text, "A woman has +no mercy on a man," and, I doubt not, much other good stuff which +I missed because Mr. IVAN CARYLL, who conducted (and was probably +thinking more of his own pleasant music than somebody else's words), +did not make enough allowance for my slowness in the up-take of +patter. + +Mr. LESLIE HENSON was funny, and should be funnier still when the book +has been cut down by about an hour and space allowed him for private +developments. Miss PHYLLIS DARE was graceful and confident. One easily +understood her popularity; but Miss YVONNE ARNAUD, who was a little +slow for the general pace, must, I think, be more of an acquired +taste. + +Mr. TOM WALLS (very svelte in his French uniform) did sound work, and +so did Mr. GEORGE BARRETT, a humourist by gift of nature. Mr. GEORGE +GROSSMITH, who with Mr. LAURILLARD has made out of the old Middlesex +a most attractive and spacious "Winter Garden," brought with him the +traditions of the Gaiety, and had a warm personal welcome. I could +bear him to be funnier than he was; but as I'm sure that he's clever +enough to be anything he likes I can only assume that he wasn't really +trying. + +I join everybody in wishing him good cheer in this "garden" of his, +where, if the auguries fulfil themselves, he is not likely, even in +the dog-days, to have to endure "the winter of our discontent." + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE LAND OF MY DREAMS + + I know a spot where balmy air and still + Enfolds the placid dweller hour by hour + As, all unhampered in his tranquil bower, + He stretches idle limbs at ease until + The blessed peace about him calms his will + And hidden thoughts, expanding into flower, + Amaze him with their beauty, and the sour + Sharp voice of Care, that sounds far off and shrill, + Moves him to gentle mirth that men can be + So strangely foolish as to heed her call, + Regardless of their true felicity.... + Avoid the place, ye bores. Aroint ye all! + Afflict not one to this dear haven fled, + My private earthly paradise--my BED. + + * * * * * + + "Quarrymen (experienced) Wanted, wages 1s. 5-1/2d. per + hour; constant employment for good men. No bankers need + apply."--_Country Paper._ + +Why this marked discrimination against bankers? We have known several +who were most respectable. + + * * * * * + +THE RENAISSANCE. + +The unexampled rapidity with which, owing to the opportunities of +war-time, men in all walks of life have reached the top of the tree in +early manhood is leading on to strange but inevitable results. Unable +to rise any higher they are already contemplating the heroic course +of justifying their eminence by starting afresh at the bottom of the +ladder. + +The crucial and classical example is, of course, furnished by our Boy +Chancellor. It is an open secret that, with that sagacious foresight +which has always characterised him, Lord BIRKENHEAD recognises the +impermanency of his exalted position and is resolved when and if he +leaves the Woolsack to resume practice as a Junior. It is further +rumoured that some of our judges intend to follow his august example. +The atmosphere of the Bench is not always exhilarating, and the salary +is fixed. But a self-effacing altruism doubtless also enters into +their motives. + +The impending exodus from Whitehall is another factor in the +situation. Scores of demobilised "Ministerial angels" will soon +be released, and are meditating fresh outlets for their benevolent +energies. Many of them are young and some beautiful. The romance of +commerce and of the stage will prove a potent lure. Never has the +demand for an elegant deportment and urbane manners in our great shops +and stores been more clamant; never has the standard been higher. +Our ex-officials may have to stoop, but it will be to conquer. We can +confidently look forward to the day when no shop will be without its +DEMOSTHENES, ALCIBIADES or its CICERO. Opportunities for employment +on the stage are likely to be multiplied by the alleged intention +of several actor-managers to enter Parliament, while others, nobly +anxious to satisfy the claims of youth, have expressed their resolve +only to appear henceforth in such subsidiary parts as dead bodies and +outside shouts. + +In the domain of letters some startling developments are also +threatened on similar lines. Mr. WELLS, always remarkable for his +refusal to commit himself to any finality in the formulation of his +opinions, has, it is said, decided to devote his talents in future +exclusively to the composition of educational works in words of +one syllable, and where possible of three letters. He is also +contemplating a revised and simplified edition of his novels, +beginning with _Mr. Brit Sees It Thro'_. Mr. SHAW'S fresh start will +be the greatest surprise of all. He intends to go to Eton and +Oxford, and, as a don, to combat the tide of Socialism at our older +Universities. Mr. BELLOC, it is reported, has re-enlisted in the +French Artillery, and Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT has accepted a commission in +the Dutch mercantile marine. + +The future of Mr. ASQUITH has given rise to a good deal of speculation +in the Press, but we are in a position to state that he does not +intend to re-enter politics or to resume his practice at the Bar, but +has resolved to return to his first love--journalism. Sport is the +only department in which the ornate and orotund style of which Mr. +ASQUITH is a master is still in vogue, and the description of classic +events in classical diction will furnish him with a congenial opening +for the exercise of his great literary talent. + +The rumour that Mr. BALFOUR, on his retirement from the post of +Foreign Secretary, will take up the arduous duties of caddie-master at +St. Andrew's is not yet fully confirmed. Meanwhile he is known to be +considering the alternative offer of the secretaryship to the Handel +Society. In this context it is interesting to hear that, according to +a Rotterdam agency, Sir EDWARD ELGAR has just completed a series of +pieces for the mouth-organ, dedicated to Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY, which +will, it is hoped, be shortly heard in the luncheon interval at the +Coal Commission. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ANY PICKPOCKETS +ABOUT HERE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF MARKED 'SUSAN'?"] + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING CHANCE. + + DEAR ALEC,--Jolly glad to hear you're coming home. I beat + you after all, though. I suppose I was looking particularly + pivotal when I saw the D.O., because he let me through at + once. + + Will you go back to the Governor's office? + + Yours ever, GARRY NORTON. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Haven't the faintest; but before settling down + I'm going to have a week or two, either sailing or fishing, so + as to try to shed the army feeling, and I think you'd better + come with me. I've saved no end of shekels, and I'm going to + give old Cox a run for his money (the bit that's mine, I mean, + that he's been keeping for me). + + If you can find a likely craft, mop her up for me, old bean, + and we'll have a hairy time somewhere on the S.W. coast. + + Yours in haste, ALEC RIDLEY. + + + DEAR ALEC,--I wish you'd be less vague. What sort of a boat do + you want--schooner, yawl, cutter or spoonbill? A half-decker, + or the full five quires to the ream? Give me definite + instructions and I'll do my best to carry them out. I'm afraid + I can't get off, so you'll have to take someone else, or + incarnadine the seas by yourself. + + Yours as ever, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Sorry to hear you can't come. Any kind of a boat + that will go without bouncing too high will do, and if it + has a rudder, a couple of starboard tacks, bath and butler's + pantry so much the better. I mean to wash out the memory of + those nine months at Basra last year with the flies. Yours, + ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--What you want, my lad, is a houseboat, and I doubt + whether you'll get one during this shortage of residential + property. + + I should try fishing if I were you. In fact I have taken a bit + of water for you in Chamshire. I haven't seen it, but am told + it's very all right and only twenty pounds till the 10th of + June. + + Yours ever, GARRY NORTON. + + + DEAR GARRY,--This is a top-hole place. To have got this water + for so little you 're absolutely the Senior Wangler. + + You might send me some mayflies, old dear; about half a pint I + shall want, judging from the infernal number of bushes on the + river banks here. Mr. MILLS's bombs have put me right off my + cast and I can't do the old Shimmy shake either somehow. I can + hear the click of croquet balls in the Vicarage garden as I + write, so the hooping season has begun. + + There's one other chap staying in the pub. Talks and dresses + like a War profiteer. Seems to be doing nothing but loafing + about at present. + + Yours ever, ALEC. + + + _Postcard_. + + Have ordered the mayflies and will send them soon as poss. G. + N. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for yours. Not so anxious about mayflies + now, but should be glad if you would send me a pound or two of + the best chocolates. Having good sport. + + In haste for post, + + Yours, ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--I enclose a couple of pounds of extra special + chocolates, but didn't know they were included in the Angler's + Pharmacopoeia. + + Glad you are having good sport and justifying my choice of + water. + + Yours as usual, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Thanks for chocs. The Vicar called the other day, + and I have caught several cups of tea on the recoil at the + Vicarage since. Miss Stevenson, his ewe-lamb, is A1, and + we have had some splendid sport together. We caught eleven + beauties yesterday; one was over 19-1/2 inches. + + Post just going out. + + Yours in haste, ALEC. + + P.S.--Another couple of pounds of chocs would be useful. + + + DEAR ALEC,---Awfully glad to hear the fishing is so good. I + shall expect a brace of good long trout for breakfast one of + these days. + + Yours, GARRY. + + + DEAR GARRY,--Who said anything about fish? I sub-let the water + (at a profit) to the War-profiteer three days after arriving. + + Miss Stevenson, with a brace of bouncing terriers, is outside + whistling for me, so I must put the lid on. + + Yours, ALEC. + + + DEAR ALEC,--What's the idea? You say you let the fishing a + fortnight ago; but last Wednesday you wrote about catching + eleven beauties, one over nineteen and a half inches long. + Some trout--what? But why the terriers? Yours in darkness, + + GARRY NORTON. + + + _Postcard_. + + _Rats_. + + ALEC. + + * * * * * + + "WHEN GREEK JOINS GREEK." + + "The Red Cross announces that the repatriation of Greeks + forcibly removed from their homes in Eastern Macedonia has + been virtually completed despite Bulgarian opposition. The + reports says the Greek Red Cross rendered invaluable aid + in looting imprisoned Greeks hidden remotely."--_Egyptian + Gazette_. + + * * * * * + +THE NAVY AT CAMBRIDGE. + + When first I joined the R.N.V. + And ventured out upon the sea, + The war-tried Subs. R.N. and Looties + Who guided me about my duties + Were wont to wink and chuckle if + I found the going rather stiff; + And when, upon the Nor'-East Rough, + My legs proved scarcely firm enough + To keep me yare and head-to-wind + The very nicest of them grinned. + + Now times are changed, and here I am + Once more beside the brimming Cam, + Where lo, those selfsame Loots and Subs + Whirl madly by in punts and tubs, + Which they propel by strength of will + And muscle rather more than skill. + For (if one may be fairly frank) + They barge across from bank to bank, + With zig-zag motions, in and out, + As though torpedoes were about; + Whilst I with all an expert's ease + Glide by as gaily as you please, + Or calmly, 'mid the rout of punts, + Perform accomplished super-stunts. + + But do not think I jibe or jeer + However strangely they career. + In soothing accents, sweet as spice, + I offer them my best advice, + Or deftly show them how to plant a + Propulsive pole in oozy Granta, + Observing, "If you only knew it + _This_ is the proper way to do it;" + Till soon each watching Looty's face + Grows full of wonder at my grace, + And daring Subs in frail Rob Roys + Attempt to imitate my poise. + + O war-tried Loots and Subs. R.N., + Thus by the Cam we meet again; + And, as in wilder sterner days, + We shared the ocean's dreary ways + In fellowship of single aim, + I never doubt we'll do the same + By sunny Cam in happier times; + And therefore, if through these my rhymes + Some gentle banter slyly flits, + Forgive me, Sirs--and call it quits. + + * * * * * + +From a club journal:-- + + "Members will look forward to the River Trip this year as a + change from a Trip to the River." + +This constant craving for variety is one of the most unhealthy +symptoms of the times in which we live. + + * * * * * + +From a report of the debate on the National Shipyards:-- + + "'The Mercantile Marine was our weakest front. If the sinking + increased our unbiblical cord would be cut' (a graphic phrase + this)."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Graphic, perhaps, but hardly stenographic. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Poacher (to gamekeeper who has been chasing him for +twenty minutes)._ "NOW, SONNY, IF YOU'VE 'AD A GOOD REST WE'LL SET OFF +AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +MR. E.F. BENSON, seizing occasion as it flies, has given us, in +_Across the Stream_ (MURRAY), a story on the very topical subject of +spiritualism and communication with the dead. As a practised novelist, +with a touch so sure that it can hardly fail to adorn, he has made a +tale that is interesting throughout and here and there aspires to real +beauty of feeling; though not all the writer's skill can disguise a +certain want of unity in the natural and supernatural divisions of +his theme. The early part of the book, which tells of the boyhood +of _Archie_ and the attempts of his dead brother _Martin_ to "get +through" to him, are admirably done. As always in these studies of +happy and guarded childhood, Mr. BENSON is at his best, sympathetic, +tender, altogether winning. There was lung trouble in _Archie's_ +record--_Martin_ indeed had died of it (sometimes I wonder whether any +of Mr. BENSON'S protagonists can ever be wholly robust), and there is +a genuine thrill in the scene at the Swiss sanatorium, where the +dead and living boys touch hands over the little _cache_ of childish +treasure buried by the former beneath a pine-tree in the garden. +Later, when _Archie_ had recovered from his disease and grown to +suitor's estate, I could not but feel, despite the sardonically +observed figure of _Helena_, the detestable girl who nearly ruins him, +that the whole affair had become conventional, and by so much lost +interest for its creator. Apart, however, from the bogie chapters of +Possession (which I shall not further indicate) the most moving scenes +in this latter part are those between _Archie_ and his father. I have +seldom known a horrible situation handled with more delicate art; it +is for this, rather than for its slightly unconvincing devilments, +that I would give the book an honourable place in the ranks of +Bensonian romance. + + * * * * * + +I quite agree with Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, whose _Mr. Sterling Sticks it +Out_ (HEADLEY) is a generous attempt to put into the form of a story +the case of the conscientious objector of the finest type, that, +when we are able to think about this matter calmly, we shall have +considerable misgivings at least about details in our treatment of +this difficult problem. I also agree that the officials of the Press +Bureau don't come at all well out of the correspondence which he +prints in his preface, and, further, that the Government ought to have +had the courage to alter the law allowing absolute exemption rather +than stretch it beyond the breaking point. But I emphatically dispute +his assumption that the matter was a simple one. It was not the +saintly, single-minded and sweet-natured C.O.'s of _Christopher +Sterling's_ type that made the chief difficulty. There were few of +this literal interpretation and heroic texture. The real difficulty +was created by men of a very different character and in much greater +numbers, sincere in varying degrees, but deliberately, passionately +and unscrupulously obstructive, bent on baulking the national will and +making anything like reasonable treatment of them impossible. It would +require saints, not men, to deal without occasional lapses from strict +equity with such infuriating folk. Mr. BEGBIE'S book is unfair in +its emphasis, but it is not fanatical or subversive, and I can see no +decent reason why it should have been banned. I certainly commend it +to the majority-minded as a wholesome corrective. + + * * * * * + +That the reviewer should finish his study of the assembled +biographies of twenty-four fallen heroes of this War with a feeling of +disappointment and some annoyance argues a fault in the biographer or +in the reviewer. I invite the reader to be the judge between us, +for _The New Elizabethans_ (LANE) must certainly be read, if only to +understand clearly that there is no fault in the heroes, at any rate. +Mr. E.B. OSBORN describes them as "these golden lads ... who +first conquered their easier selves and secondly led the ancestral +generations into a joyous captivity" (whatever that may mean), and +maintains, against the father of one of them apparently, that he is +apt in the title he has given to them and to their countless peers. I +agree with the father and think they deserve a new name of their own; +such men as the GRENFELL brothers, HUGH and JOHN CHARLTON and DONALD +HANKEY did more than maintain a tradition. There is about DIXON SCOTT, +"the Joyous Critic," something, I think, which will be recognised +as marking a production and a surprise of our own generation--the +"ink-slinger" who, when it came to the point, was found equally +reckless and brave in slinging more dangerous matter. Again, I feel +that there is needed a clearer motive than is apparent to warrant "a +selection of the lives of young men who have fallen in the great war." +Selections in this instance are more odious than comparisons; there +should be one book for one hero. Thirdly, I disapprove the dedication +to the Americans; and, lastly, I found in the author's prose a certain +affectation that is unworthy of the subject-matter. An instance is the +reference to HARRY BUTTERS' "joyous" quotation of the quatrain:-- + + Every day that passes + Filling out the year + Leaves the wicked Kaiser + Harder up for beer. + +I like the quatrain, of course; who, knowing the "Incorrigibles," +doesn't? But I did not like that reiterated word "joyous." + + * * * * * + +I should certainly have supposed that recent history had discounted +popular interest in the monarchies of make-believe; in other words, +that when real sovereigns have been behaving in so sensational a +manner one might expect a slump in counterfeits. But it appears that +Mr. H.B. MARRIOTT WATSON is by no means of this opinion. His latest +story, _The Pester Finger_ (SKEFFINGTON), shows him as Ruritanian +as ever. As usual we find that distressful country, here called +_Varavia_, in the throes of dynastic upheaval, which centres, in +a manner also not without precedent, in the figure of a young and +beautiful Princess. This lady, the last of her race, had been adopted +as ward--on, I thought, insufficient introduction--by the hero, _Sir +Francis Vyse_. The situation was further complicated by the fact that +in his youth he had been the officer of the guard who ought to have +prevented the murder of _Sonia's_ august parents, and didn't. Quite +early I gave up counting how many times _Sir Francis_ and his fair +ward were set upon, submerged, imprisoned and generally knocked about. +You never saw so convulsed a courtship; for I will no longer conceal +the fact that, when he was not more strenuously engaged, he soon began +to regard _Sonia_ with a softening eye. And as _Sonia_ herself +was growing up to womanhood, or, in Mr. WATSON'S elegant phrase, +"muliebrity claimed her definitely"--well, he is an enviable reader +for whom the last page will hold any considerable surprise. + + * * * * * + +"ETIENNE," in an introductory note to _A Naval Lieutenant, 1914-1918_ +(METHUEN), gives an excellent reason for wishing to record his +impressions of the "sea affair." He was in _H.M.S. Southampton_ during +the earlier part of the War, and "on all the four principal occasions +when considerable German forces were encountered in the North Sea, her +guns were in action." Very naturally he desired to do honour to this +gallant light cruiser, and I admire prodigiously the modest way in +which he has done it. "ETIENNE" is not a stylist; a professor +of syntax might conceivably be distressed by his confusion of +prepositions; but apart from this detail all is plain sailing--and +fighting. I have read no more thrilling account of the Battle of +Jutland than is to be found here. The author does it so well because +he tells his story with great simplicity and without what I believe +he would call "windiness." Best of all, he has a nice sense of humour, +and would even, I believe, have discovered the funny side of Scapa, if +there had been one. "ETIENNE," whose short stories of naval life were +amusing, makes a distinct advance in this new work. + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF INNOCENCE. + +GOLF IN SPRINGTIME. + + Merry little baa-lambs sporting on the grass, + Playing ring-a-roses, dancing as you pass, + Crying, + "Jones has topped his brassie shot! What a way to play! + Now then, all together, boys--Me-e-eh!" + Pretty little woollies, white as driven snow, + Following your mothers, skipping as you go, + Crying, + "Jones is in the bunker! What a lot he has to say! + Give it all together, boys--Me-e-e-eh!" + Harbingers of Springtime! innocently fair, + Frisking on the greensward, leaping in the air, + Crying, + "Jones is in the whins again! He's off his drive to-day; + Once more let him have it, boys--Me-e-e-e-eh!" + Silly little baa-lambs! If you only knew, + One day you'll be fatter and I'll have the laugh on you, + Crying, + "Every time I foozled they bleated with delight. + Now they're lamb-and-mint-sauce. Serves the beggars right!" + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BORROWED THUNDER. + +"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HANGING ON BEHIND ME LIKE THAT?" + +"I'VE BROKEN MY HORN, OLD TOFF, AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD TOOT FOR +TWO."] + + * * * * * + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, May 28, 1919., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12232.txt or 12232.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/2/3/12232/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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