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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/12043-0.txt b/12043-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..18052ce --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1817 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12043 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +August 1, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Imperial aspirations of KING FERDINAND are discussed by a +Frankfort paper in an article entitled "What Bulgaria wants." +Significantly enough the ground covered is almost identical with the +subject-matter of an unpublished article of our own, entitled "What +Bulgaria won't get." + + *** + +The cow which walked down sixteen stairs into a cellar at Willesden +is said to have been the victim of a false air-raid warning. + + *** + +"In Scotland," says Mr. BARNES'S report on Industrial Unrest, "the +subject of liquor restrictions was never mentioned." Some thoughts +are too poignant for utterance. + + *** + +According to the statement of a German paper "A Partial Crisis" +threatens Austria. One of these days we feel sure something really +serious will happen to that country. + + *** + +The Medical Officer of the L.C.C. estimates that in 1916 the total +water which flowed under London Bridge was 875,000,000,000 gallons. +It is not known yet what is to be done about it. + + *** + +The Army Council has forbidden the sale of raffia in the United +Kingdom. Personally we never eat the stuff. + + *** + +Nature Notes: A white sparrow has been seen in Huntingdon; a +well-defined solar halo has been observed in Hertfordshire, and Mr. +WINSTON CHURCHILL was noticed the other day reading _The Morning +Post_. + + *** + +A boy of eighteen told the Stratford magistrate that he had given +up his job because he only got twenty-five shillings a week. He will +however continue to give the War his moral support. + + *** + +The Austrian EMPEROR has told the representative of _The Cologne +Gazette_ that he "detests war." If not true this is certainly a +clever invention on KARL'S part. + + *** + +We feel that the public need not have been so peevish because the +experimental siren air-raid warning was not heard by everybody in +London. They seem to overlook the fact that full particulars of the +warning appeared next morning in the papers. + + *** + +A man who obtained two hundred-weight of sugar from a firm of +ship-brokers has been fined ten pounds at Glasgow. Some curiosity +exists as to the number of ships he had to purchase in order to secure +that amount of sugar. + + *** + +A London magistrate has held that tea and dinner concerts in +restaurants are subject to the entertainment tax. This decision will +come as a great shock to many people who have always regarded the +music as an anæsthetic. + + *** + +The no-tablecloths order has caused great perturbation among the +better-class hotel-keepers in Berlin. Does the Government, they ask +sarcastically, expect their class of patron to wipe their mouths on +their shirt-cuffs? + + *** + +The chairman of the House of Commons' Tribunal complains that while +cats drink milk as usual they no longer catch mice. This however may +easily be remedied if the FOOD-CONTROLLER will meet them halfway on +the question of dilution. + + *** + +The public has been warned by Scotland Yard against a man calling +himself Sid Smith. We wouldn't do it ourselves, of course, but we are +strongly opposed to the police interfering in what is after all purely +a matter of personal taste. + + *** + +The bones of ST. GEORGE have been discovered near Beersheba in +Palestine by members of our Expeditionary Force. This should dispel +the popular delusion which has always ascribed the last resting-place +of England's patron saint to the present site of the Mint. + + *** + +"War bread will keep for a week," stated Mr. CLYNES for the Ministry +of Food. Of course you can keep it longer if you are collecting +curios. + + *** + +It is announced that all salaries in the German Diplomatic Service +have been reduced. We always said that frightfulness didn't really +pay. + + *** + +German women have been asked to place their hair at the disposal of +the authorities. If they do not care to sacrifice their own hair +they can just send along the handful or two which they collect in +the course of waiting in the butter queue. + + *** + +_Hamlet_ has been rendered by amateur actors at the Front, all scenery +being dispensed with. If you must dispense with one or the other, why +not leave out the acting? + + *** + +"To assist in the breaking-up of grass-land," we are told, "the Board +of Agriculture proposes to allocate a number of horses to agricultural +counties." The idea of allocating some of our incurable golfers +to this purpose does not appear to have suggested itself to our +slow-witted authorities. + + *** + +"I have resigned because there is no further need for my services," +said Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. Several politicians are of the opinion that +this was not a valid reason. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First ex-Knut_. "WOULDN'T CARE TO BE IN BLIGHTY NOW, +REG., WHEN IT'S ROTTEN FORM TO GO IN FOR FANCY TEAS AND THAT--WHAT?" + +_Second ex-Knut_. "HONK!"] + + * * * * * + +AN EXPANSIVE SMILE. + + "SIX HUNDRED SQUARE MILES. BRITISH GAINS SINCE LAST + YEAR."--_The Statesman_ (_India_). + + * * * * * + +The _Berlin Tageblatt_ says that HERR MIHAELIS in the critical +passages measured his words "as carefully as if they were meat +rations." A wise precaution, in view of the likelihood that he +would have to eat them. + + * * * * * + +From a Cinema advertisement:-- + + "KEEPS YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS THROUGHOUT THE FIVE ACTS + OF A STORY THAT UNFOLDS ITSELF MIDST THE ROMANTIC PURLOINS OF + ITALY AND ENGLAND."--_Austrian Paper_. + +We gather that the scene is laid in the thieves' quarter. + + * * * * * + +TO WILLIAM AT THE BACK OF THE GALICIAN FRONT. + + Once more you follow in Bellona's train, + (Her train de luxe) in search of cheap réclame; + Once more you flaunt your rearward oriflamme, + A valiant eagle nosing out the slain. + + Not to the West, where RUPPRECHT stands at bay, + Hard pushed with hounds of England at his throat, + And WILLIE'S chance grows more and more remote + Of breaking hearts along The Ladies' Way; + + But to the East you go, for easier game, + Where traitors to their faith desert the fight, + And better men than yours are swept in flight + By coward Anarchy that sells her shame. + + For here, by favour of your new allies, + You'll see recovered all you lost of late, + When, tried in open combat, fair and straight, + Your Huns were flattened out like swatted flies. + + Well, make the most of this so timely boom, + For Russia yet may cut the cancer out-- + Her heart is big enough--and turn about + Clean-limbed and strong and terrible as doom. + + But, though she fail us in the final test, + Not there, not there, my child, the end shall be, + But where, without your option, France and we + Have made our own arrangements further West. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +DUSTBIN. + +He dropped in to tea, quite casually; forced an entry through the mud +wall of our barn, in fact. No, he wouldn't sit down--expected to be +leaving in a few minutes; but he didn't mind if he did have a sardine, +and helped himself to the tinful. Yes, a bit of bully, thanks, +wouldn't be amiss; and a nice piece of coal; cockchafers very good too +when, as now, in season; and, for savoury, a little nibble with a yard +of tarred string and an empty cardboard cigarette-box. Thank you very +much. + +"Why, the little brute's a perfect dustbin," said my mate; and +"Dustbin" the puppy was throughout his stay with us. + +For six weeks did Dustbin--attached for rations and +discipline--accompany us on our sanitary rounds; set us a fine example +of indifference to shell fire, even to the extent of attempting +to catch spent shrapnel as it fell; and proved the wettest of wet +blankets to the "socials" of the local rats. Then, as happens with +sanitary inspectors in France, there arrived late one afternoon +a despatch requesting the pleasure of my society--in five hours' +time--at a village some twenty kilos distant as the shell flies. I +found I should have fifteen minutes in which to pack, four hours for +my journey, and forty-five minutes between the packing and the start +in which to find a home for Dustbin. + +"Take the little dorg off you?" said a Sergeant acquaintance in the +D.A.C. "I couldn't, Corp'l. Why, I don't even know how I'm goin' to +take the foal yonder"--he glared reproachfully at a placid Clydesdale +mare and her tottering one-day-old; "and 'ow I'm goin' to take my posh +breeches--" + +I left him hovering despondently over his equipment and a pile of +dirty linen. + +We tried the M.G.C. We were on the best of terms and always had been; +they said so. They apologised in advance for the insanitary conditions +I might find; inquired after my health; offered me some coffee and +generally loved me; but they couldn't love my dog. The Cook even went +so far as openly to associate my guileless puppy with a shortage of +dried herrings in the sergeants' mess. + +Passing through the E.A.M.C. transport lines I rescued Dustbin from +a hulking native mongrel wearing an identity disc. I judged the +Ambulance would not be wanting another dog; but there was still hope +with the Salvage Company. + +The Salvagier whom I met upon the threshold of the "billet" (half a +limber load of bricks and an angle iron) was quite sure the Salvage +Company couldn't take a dog, as they had an infant wild boar and two +fox cubs numbering on their strength; but he thought that he could +plant my prodigy with a friend of his, a bombardier in the E.G.A., +the only other unit within easy distance. We headed for the E.G.A. + +It was just at this point that there occurred one of those little +incidents so dear to the comic draughtsman, but less popular with +"us." A moaning howl, a rushing hissing sound, a moment of tense +and awful silence, a devastating crash, and the E.G.A. officers' +bath-house, "erected at enormous trouble and expense" by a handful of +T.U. men and myself the day before, soared heavenwards with an acre +or two of the surrounding scenery. "Yes," said the Salvage gentleman +as he regained his perpendicular, "as I was sayin', 'is size is in +'is favour (you'd better git down ag'in, Corp'l)--'is size is in 'is +favour; 'e'll go in a dixie easy, or even in a--(there's another bit +orf the church)--even in a tin 'at, if you fold 'im up, but I'm 'fraid +the 'eads ain't much in favour of a dog. Leastways the ole man I +know was a member of the Cat Club--took a lot o' prizes at the Crys'l +Pala..." + +"I think we'd better run this little bit, Corp'l," my guide said +suddenly. It was advisable. A sprint along some two hundred yards +of what had once been a road, with a stone wall (like a slab of +_gruyère_ now, alas) upon our right, and we should once more have the +comfortable feeling one always enjoys in a "hot" village when there +are houses upon either hand. A trolley load of rations held the middle +of the road; the ration party was, I believe, in the ditch upon the +left; and a strangled voice exclaimed after each burst, "Oh crummy! I +do 'ope they don't 'it the onions." + +We gave our forty-seventh impersonation of a pair of starfish, and +then legged it for the apparent shelter of the houses. At least I +did; the salvage man, less squeamish, found a haven in an adjacent +cookhouse grease-trap and dust-shoot. I listened intently, but it was +only the falling of spent shrapnel, not the patter of Dustbin's baby +but quite enormous feet. A stove-pipe belching smoke and savoury fumes +protruded itself through the pavement on my right. Through the chinks +in the gaping slabs there came the ruddy flicker that bespoke a "home +from home" beneath my feet; and then, still listening for signs of +Dustbin, I heard-- + +"Didn't I tell you, Erb, to stop up that extra ventilation 'ole with +somethin'?--and now look wot's blown in. 'Ere, steady on, ole man; +that's got to last four men for three days." + +"Well, I'm ----," chimed in another voice, "if the bloomin' tin ain't +empty. Why, I only just opened it--that's a 'ole Maconochie 'e's got +inside 'im, not countin' wot you've just.... Poor little beggar must +be starvin'. You're welcome to stop and share our grub, young feller, +but I've got to go on p'rade wiv that--that's a belt, that is...." + +I turned towards the dimly lighted road that led to ---- [Censored]. +Dustbin had found a home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FATEFUL SESSION. + +SITTING HEN. "GO AWAY! DON'T HURRY ME!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Inquiring Lady_ (_ninety-ninth question_). "AND WHAT +ARE YOU IN THE NAVY, MAY I ASK?" + +_Tar_. "I'M A FLAG-WAGGER, MARM--YES." + +_Inquiring Lady_. "OH, REALLY! AND WHAT DO YOU WAG FLAGS FOR?" + +_Tar_ (_in a ring-off voice_). "MAKIN' READY FOR THE PEACE +CELEBRATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUDLARKS. + +The scene is a School of Instruction at the back of the Western Front +set in a valley of green meadows bordered by files of plumy poplars +and threaded through by a silver ribbon of water. + +On the lazy afternoon breeze come the concerted yells of a bayonet +class, practising frightfulness further down the valley; also the +staccato chatter of Lewis guns punching holes in the near hill-side. + +In the centre of one meadow is a turf _manège_. In the centre of the +_manège_ stands the villain of the piece, the Riding-Master. + +He wears a crown on his sleeve, tight breeches, jack-boots, vicious +spurs and sable moustachios. His right hand toys with a long, long +whip, his left with his sable moustachios. He looks like DIAVOLO, the +lion-tamer, about to put his man-eating chums through hoops of fire. + +His victims, a dozen Infantry officers, circle slowly round the +_manège_. They are mounted on disillusioned cavalry horses who came +out with WELLINGTON and know a thing or two. Now and again they wink +at the Riding-Master and he winks back at them. + +The audience consists of an ancient Gaul in picturesque blue pants, +whose _métier_ is to totter round the meadows brushing flies off a +piebald cow; the School Padre, who keeps at long range so that he may +see the sport without hearing the language, and ten little _gamins_, +who have been splashing in the silver stream and are now sitting +drying on the bank like ten little toads. + +They come every afternoon, for never have they seen such fun, never +since the great days before the War when the circus with the boxing +kangaroo and the educated porks came to town. + +Suddenly the Riding-Master clears his throat. At the sound thereof the +horses cock their ears and their riders grab handfuls of leather and +hair. + +_R.-M._ "Now, gentlemen, mind the word. Gently away tra-a-a-at." +The horses break into a slow jog-trot and the cavaliers into a cold +perspiration. The ten little _gamins_ cheer delightedly. + +_R.-M._ "Sit down, sit up, 'ollow yer backs, keep the hands down +backs foremost, even pace. Number Two, Sir, 'ollow yer back; don't +sit 'unched up like you'd over-ate yourself. Number Seven, don't +throw yerself about in that drunken manner, you'll miss the saddle +altogether presently, coming down--can't expect the 'orse to catch +you _every time_. + +"Number Three, don't flap yer helbows like an 'en; you ain't laid an +hegg, 'ave you? + +"'Ollow yer backs, 'eads up, 'eels down; four feet from nose to croup. + +"Number One, keep yer feet back, you'll be kickin' that mare's teeth +out, you will. + +"Come down off 'is 'ead, Number Seven; this ain't a monkey 'ouse. + +"Keep a light an' even feelin' of both reins, backs of the 'ands +foremost, four feet from nose to croup. + +"Leggo that mare's tail, Number Seven; you're goin', not comin', and +any'ow that mare likes to keep 'er tail to 'erself. You've upset 'er +now, the tears is fair streamin' down 'er face--'ave a bit of feelin' +for a pore dumb beast. + +"'Ollow yer backs, even pace, grip with the knees, shorten yer reins, +four feet from nose to croup. Number Eight, restrain yerself, me lad, +restrain yerself, you ain't shadow-sparrin', you know. + +"You too, Number Nine; if you don't calm yer action a bit you'll burst +somethin'. + +"Now, remember, a light feelin' of the right rein and pressure +of the left leg. Ride--wa-a-alk! Ri'--tur-r-rn! 'Alt--'pare to +s'mount--s'mount! Dismount, I said, Number Five; that means get down. +No, don't dismount on the flat of yer back, me lad, it don't look +nice. Try to remember you're an horfficer and be more dignified. + +"Now listen to me while I enumerate the parts of a norse in language +so simple any bloomin' fool can understand. This'll be useful to you, +for if you ever 'ave a norse to deal with and he loses one of 'is +parts you'll know 'ow to indent for a new one. + +"The 'orse 'as two ends, a fore-end--so called from its tendency to +go first, and an 'ind-end or rear rank. The 'orse is provided with +two legs at each end, which can be easily distinguished, the fore legs +being straight and the 'ind legs 'avin' kinks in 'em. + +"As the 'orse does seventy-five per cent. of 'is dirty work with 'is +'ind-legs it is advisable to keep clear of 'em, rail 'em off or strap +boxing-gloves on 'em. The legs of the 'orse is very delicate and +liable to crock up, so do not try to trim off any unsightly knobs that +may appear on them with a hand-axe--a little of that 'as been known to +spoil a norse for good. + +"Next we come to the 'ead. On the south side of the 'ead we discover +the mouth. The 'orse's mouth was constructed for mincing 'is victuals, +also for 'is rider to 'ang on by. As the 'orse does the other +forty-five per cent. of 'is dirty work with 'is mouth it is advisable +to stand clear of that as well. In fact, what with his mouth at one +end and 'is 'ind-legs at t'other, the middle of the 'orse is about +the only safe spot, and _that is why we place the saddle there_. +Everything in the Harmy is done with a reason, gentlemen. + +"And now, Number Ten, tell me what coloured 'orse you are ridin'? + +"A chestnut? No 'e ain't no chestnut and never was, no, nor a +raspberry roan neither; 'e's a bay. 'Ow often must I tell you that +a chestnut 'orse is the colour of lager beer, a brown 'orse the +colour of draught ale, and a black 'orse the colour of stout. + +"And now, gentlemen, stan' to yer 'orses, 'pare to mount--mount! + +"There you go, Number Seven, up one side and down the other. Try +to stop in the saddle for a minute if only for the view. You'll get +yourself 'urted one of these days dashing about all over the 'orse +like that; and 'sposing you was to break your neck, who'd get into +trouble? _Me_, not you. 'Ave a bit of consideration for other people, +please. + +"Now mind the word. Ride--ri'--tur-r-rn. Walk march. Tr-a-a-at. +Helbows slightly brushing the ribs--_your_ ribs, not the 'orse's, +Number Three. + +"Shorten yer reins, 'eels down, 'eads up, 'ollow yer backs, four feet +from nose to croup. + +"Get off that mare's neck, Number Seven, and try ridin' in the saddle +for a change; it'll be more comfortable for everybody. + +"You oughter do cowboy stunts for the movin' pictures, Number Six, you +ought really. People would pay money to see you ride a norse upside +down like that. Got a strain of wild Cossack blood in you, eh? + +"There you are, now you've been and fell off. Nice way to repay me for +all the patience an' learning I've given you! + +"What are you lyin' there for? Day-dreaming? I s'pose you're goin' to +tell me you're 'urted now?' Be writing 'ome to Mother about it next: +'DEAR MA,--A mad mustang 'as trod on me stummick. Please send me a +gold stripe. Your loving child, ALGY.' + +"Now mind the word. Ride--Can--ter!" + +He cracks his whip; the horses throw up their heads and break into a +canter; the cavaliers turn pea-green about the chops, let go the reins +and clutch saddle-pommels. + +The leading horse, a rakish chestnut, finding his head free at last +and being heartily fed-up with the whole business, suddenly bolts out +of the _manège_ and legs it across the meadow, _en route_ for stables +and tea. His eleven mates stream in his wake, emptying saddles as they +go. + +The ten little _gamins_ dance ecstatically upon the bank, waving their +shirts and shrilling "_À Berlin! À Berlin!_" + +The ancient Gaul props himself up against the pie-bald cow and shakes +his ancient head. "_C'est la guerre_," he croaks. + +The deserted Riding-Master damns his eyes and blesses his soul for +a few moments; then sighs resignedly, takes a cigarette from his +cap lining, lights it and waddles off towards the village and his +favourite _estaminet_. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Cyclist_. "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT AN +AEROPLANE COMING DOWN SOMEWHERE NEAR HERE?" + +_Boy._ "NO, SIR. I'VE ONLY BEEN SHOOTIN' AT SPARRERS."] + + * * * * * + + "Some of these fish have already found their way to Leeds, + and, it must be added, have not met with a very cordial + reception. Although the fish may be bought at what might be + described as an attractive price, they do not appear likely + to move for some time."--_Yorkshire Paper_. + +But if the hot weather continues-- + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Convalescent Lieutenant_. "CHEERIO, MARTHA! I'VE GOT +ANOTHER PIP." + +_Martha_. "LAWKS, SIR! I 'OPE IT WON'T MEAN MORE VISITS TO THE +'OSPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +SENSES AND SENSIBILITY. + +I. + +_From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic._ + +DEAR VOYLE,--I am not one ordinarily to take any notice of remarks +that are overheard and reported to me; but there are exceptions to +every rule and I am making one now. I was told this evening by a +mutual friend and fellow-member that at the Buskin Club, after lunch +to-day, in the presence of a number of men, you said that the trouble +with me was that I had no sense of humour. + +Considering my standing as a comedian, hitherto earning high salaries +and occupying the place I do solely by virtue of my comic gifts (as +the Press and Public unanimously agree), this disparagement from a man +wielding as much power as you do is very damaging. Managers hearing of +it as your honest opinion might fight shy of me. + +I therefore ask you to withdraw the criticism with as much publicity +as it had when you defamed me by making it. + +Why you should have made it at all I can't imagine, for I have often +seen you laughing in your stall, and we have been friends for many +years. + +Believe me, yours sincerely but sorrowfully, FRED GOLIGHTLY. + +II. + +_From Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic, to Fred Golightly, comedian._ + +DEAR GOLIGHTLY,--You have been misinformed. I didn't say you had no +sense of humour; I said you had no sense of honour. + +Yours faithfully, SINCLAIR VOYLE. + +III. + +_From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic._ + +DEAR OLD CHAP,--You can't think how glad I am to have your disclaimer. +I disliked having to write to you as I did, after so many years of +good fellowship, but you must admit that I had some provocation. It is +a pretty serious thing for a man in my position to be publicly singled +out by a man in yours as being without a sense of humour. However, +your explanation puts everything right, and all's well that ends well. +Yours as ever, FRED. + + * * * * * + + "PEACE CRANKS AND CROOKS."--_Evening Standard_. + +The right hon. Member for Woolwich objects. He has nothing whatever to +do with Ramsayites. + + * * * * * + +JIMMY--KILLED IN ACTION. + + Horses he loved, and laughter, and the sun, + A song, wide spaces and the open air; + The trust of all dumb living things he won, + And never knew the luck too good to share. + + His were the simple heart and open hand, + And honest faults he never strove to hide; + Problems of life he could not understand, + But as a man would wish to die he died. + + Now, though he will not ride with us again, + His merry spirit seems our comrade yet, + Freed from the power of weariness or pain, + Forbidding us to mourn--or to forget. + + * * * * * + +A LITERAL EPOCH. + +That there rumpus i' the village laast Saturday night? Aye, it were +summat o' a rumpus, begad! Lor! there aren't bin nothin' like it +not since the time when they wuz a-gwain' to burn th' ould parson's +effigy thirty-fower year ago (but it niver come off, because 'e up an' +offered to contribute to the expenses 'isself, an' that kind o' took +the wind out on't). + +Ye see, Sir, there's just seven licensed 'ouses i' the village. +Disgraceful? Aye, so 'tis, begad!--on'y seven licensed 'ouses--an' +I do mind when 'twas pretty nigh one man one pub, as the sayin' is. +Howsomever, to-day there's seven, and some goes to one and some goes +to totherun. + +Well, laast Friday night me an' Tom Figgures an' Bertie Mayo an' Peter +Ledbetter an' a lot more on us what goes to Reuben Izod's at The Bell, +we come in to 'ave our drink. And, mind you, pretty nigh all on us 'ad +a-bin mouldin'-up taters all day, so's to get _them_ finished afore +the hay; so us could do wi' a drop. Aye, aye! + +Well, fust thing us knowed--no more'n a hour or two after--Mrs. Izod +was a-sayin' to old Peter Ledbetter, as 'er set down a fresh pint for +'n, "That's the laast drop o' beer i' the 'ouse," 'er says. + +"_Whaat_!" says Peter, though there warn't no call for 'im to voice +the gen'ral sentiments, 'coz you see, Sir, 'e'd a-got the laast pint +an' us 'adn't. + +"There's a nice drop o' cider, though," says Mrs. Izod. "Leastways, +when I says a nice drop, there's a matter o' fifteen gallons, I +dessay," 'er says. + +"I 'ave drunk cider at a pinch," says Bertie Mayo, cautious-like, "and +my ould father, I d' mind, 'e'd used to drink it regular." + +"Ah, that 'a did!--an' mine too, and 'is father afore 'un," says Tom +Figgures; "but I reckon 'tisn't what 'twas in them days." + +"Well, you may do as you'm a-minded 'bout 'avin' it," says Mrs. Izod; +"but no more ain't beer what 'twas neether, come to that." + +"You'm right there, Missus," says all the rest on us. + +An' then Bertie Mayo, 'oo's allus a turr'ble far-seeing sort of chap, +'e says, "Reckon the trolley 'ull be along fust thing i' the marnin' +from the brewery, Missus?" An' when Mrs. Izod 'er says as 'er didn't +know, but 'twas to be 'oped as 'twud, a sort of a blight settled down +on the lot on us, which I reckon is a pretty fair way o' puttin' it, +for a blight allus goes 'and-in-'and wi' a drought. + +Well, either us finished that evenin' up on cider or us finished the +cider up that evenin'--there warn't much in it one way or t'other. +An' next day--this bit as I'm a-tellin' you now us niver 'eard tell on +till arterwards, but I'm a-tellin' it _yeou_ just as it 'appened--next +_daay_ (that were Sat'rday, mind) there was a turr'ble to-do in the +arternoon, for there warn't nobbut limonade in the house when them +timber-haulin' chaps stopped to waater the engin'. Well, you may +reckon!... + +An' then, when us come 'ome from work, us found the door o' The Bell +shut an' locked, an' "Sold Out" wrote on a piece o' cardboard i' the +parlour winder by Reuben Izod's second child! Begad, that was sommut +if yeou like! Us stud there a-gyaupin' an' a-gyaupin', till at last +Peter Ledbetter give a kick at the door and 'ollers out, "Whatten a +gammit do 'ee call this 'ere, Reuben Izod? 'Tis drink us waants, not +tickets for the Cook'ry Demonstration." (Turr'ble sarcastic 'e do be +sometimes, Peter Ledbetter). + +"I aren't got none," says Reuben from be'ind the door. + +"Well, cider, then," says Bertie Mayo. + +"Tall 'ee I aren't got narrun--beer, cider, nor limonade--nary a drop. +'Tiddn' no manner o' good for you chaps to stan' there. You'd best +toddle along up to The Green Dragon an' see if Mas'r Holtom've got +any." + +Well, bein' as no one iver yet 'eard tell o' one publican tellin' +ye to go furder a-fild and get sarved by another publican (savin' +as 'twas a drunken man as 'e wanted to be shut on), us was struck so +dazed-like as us went along the road wi' never a word. But us 'adn't +got 'alfway theer afore us met Johnnie Tarplett, Jim Peyton, and a +lot more on 'em all comin' along the road towards we. + +"Where be gwain'?" says Johnnie Tarplett. + +"Us be gwain' along to The Green Dragon to get a drop o' drink," says +Tom Figgures. + +"The Green Dragon's shut 'owever," says Johnnie Tarplett. "Us was +a-gwain' along--" + +"Aye, aye!" us sings out. "So's The Bell shut too!" + +Well, then us all took and went along to The Reaper, an' _that_ were +shut, an' The Dovedale Arms (which is an oncomfortably superior sort +of a 'ouse, dealin' in sperrits) was down to ginger-wine, an' The +Crown and The Corner Cupboard an' The Ploughman's Rest was all crowded +out an' gettin' down to the bottom o' the casks. + +An' then, when us took an' thowt as 'twould be 'ay-makin' next week, +an' dry weather all round, us stuud i' the road and spak our thowts +out. + +"Dom the KEYSER!" says Peter Ledbetter, to gie us a start like. + +"Niver knowed sich a thing afore in all my born days," says Bertie +Mayo. "Niver knowed The Bell shut yet, not since 'twas first opened +six years afore th' ould QUEEN come to the throne." + +"Reckon sich a thing niver 'appened afore i' the history o' Dovedale +parish," says Johnnie Tarplett. + +"Niver since WILL'UM CONQUEROR," says Jim Peyton. + +"Niver since NOAH 'isself," says Tom Figgures. + +"'Tis a nepoch, look you," says Peter Ledbetter. An' though us didn' +know what 'a meant no more'n 'a did 'isself, us were inclined to agree +wi 'm. Oh, 'tis a Greek word meanin' a stoppage, is it? Well, if what +you say be _trew_, Peter Ledbetter was right 'owever, an' them Greeks +is at the bottom of all the trouble, as I said in The Bell five nights +ago--my son bein' at Salonika, as you do know, Sir. + +An' arter a bit us all went along home, all on us tryin' to remember +what us knowed about home-brewin'. An' if you gentlefolks doan't +get your washin' done praperly this wik 'tis along o' the tubs bein' +otherwise engaaged. + +W.B. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "By partial dissembling we are able to offer this high-grade + Car at a price within the reach of those desiring the + best."--_New Zealand Herald_. + + * * * * * + + "At Ormskirk rejected army horses sold by auction realised + £30 to £60. The average was over £30."--_Sunday Chronicle_. + +We always like to have our sums done for us. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO UNBOOM OUR HOLIDAY RESORTS. + +[Illustration: BEACHVILLE IS _TOO_ BRACING! + +If you have a LIVER, BEACHVILLE will make you feel ABSOLUTELY ROTTEN! + +If you have not, BEACHVILLE will give you one within 24 HOURS!] + +[Illustration: CHALKCLIFFE NO PLACE FOR CHILDREN + +Children who do not fall off the cliffs invariably catch measles. + +Many do _both_.] + +[Illustration: SHRIMPINGTON THE GRAND(!) PARADE ON A WET DAY + +STATISTICS show that the AVERAGE RAINFALL at SHRIMPINGTON is HIGHER +than that at _any_ other watering-place in the United Kingdom.] + +[Illustration: BARWASH For BEASTLY BATHING from a BEACH of BROKEN +BOTTLES + +If this doesn't put you off, write to the Town Clerk for the Medical +Officer's report on the Town Water Supply.] + +[In view of the official discouragement of railway-travelling +something should be done to eradicate from the minds of the public +any favourable impressions created by the posters of the past.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER. + +_Flapper_. "OH, I'VE HEARD SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT +CAMOUFLAGE--MAKING MEN LOOK LIKE GUNS, AND GUNS LIKE COWS, AND ALL +THAT SORT OF THING. COULDN'T YOU DO SOME OF YOUR TRICKS HERE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRIGIBLES. + +HOW AN EXASPERATED ADJUTANT WOULD _LIKE_ TO ADDRESS THE NEW GUARD. + + "Guard! for I still concede to you the title, + Though well I know that it is not your due, + Being devoid of everything most vital + To the high charge which is imposed on you; + Listen awhile--and, Number Two, be dumb; + Forbear to scratch the irritable tress; + No longer masticate the furtive gum; + And, Private Pitt, stop nibbling at your thumb, + And for a change attend to my address. + + "Day after day I urge the old, old thesis-- + To reverence well the man of martial note, + Nor treat as mere sartorial caprices + The mystic marks he carries on his coat, + And how to know what everybody is, + The swords, the crowns, the purple-stainéd cards, + The Brigadiers concealed in Burberries, + And render all those pomps and dignities + Which are, of course, the _raison d'être_ of guards. + + "With what avail? for never a guard is mounted + That does not do some wild abhorrent thing, + Only in hushed low tones to be recounted, + Lest haply hints of it should reach the KING-- + Dark ugly tales of sentinels who drank, + Or lost their prisoners while imbibing tea, + Or took great pains to make their minds a blank + Whene'er approached by gentlemen of rank, + And, when reproved, presented arms to me! + + "There is no potentate in France or Flanders + You will not heap with insult if you can. + For lo! a car. It is the Corps Commander's; + The sentries take no notice of the man, + Or fix him with a not unkindly stare, + And slap their butts in an engaging way, + Or else, too late, in penitent despair + Cry, 'Guard, turn out!' and there is no guard there, + But they are in _The Blue Estaminet_. + + "Weary I am of worrying and warning; + For all my toil I get it in the neck; + I am fed up with it; and from this morning + I shall not seek to keep your crimes in check; + Sin as you will--I shall but acquiesce; + Sleep on, O sentinels--I shall not curse; + And so, maybe, from sheer contrariness + Some day a guard may be a slight success; + At any rate you cannot well do worse." + + * * * * * + +LIGHT ON THE SITUATION. + + "FRONT OF CROWN PRINCE RUPPRECHT.--At night the firing + engagement slackened but little, and near Hellwerden it + again rose to very great intensity."--_Admiralty, per + Wireless Press, July 26th_. + +Readers who shared the doubt of _The Times_ as to the existence of +"Hellwerden" (which doesn't appear in the maps) will be interested +to learn from one of our correspondents, who knows it well, that it +exists all right, but is only visible in the very early morning. _The +Times_ of July 28th bears out this statement. + +Our correspondent adds the information that "Hellwerden" is sometimes +spelt Morgendämmerung. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 23rd_.--The country awoke this morning to find itself +threatened with a first-class political crisis and possibly a General +Election to follow. Members dwelling temporarily on the Western Front +had reluctantly torn themselves from their dug-outs on the receipt of +a three-line whip, and had repaired post-haste to Westminster. + +[Illustration: PAPA MCKENNA LECTURES YOUNG BONAR ON EXTRAVAGANCE. EVEN +WHEN SOWING HIS WILDEST OATS HE (PAPA) NEVER CAME ANYWHERE NEAR SEVEN +MILLION POUNDS PER DIEM.] + +The trouble was nominally about the agricultural labourer and his +minimum wage. Should it be twenty-five shillings, as set down in the +Corn Production Bill, or thirty shillings, as proposed by Mr. WARDLE, +the Leader of the Labour Party? The Amendment had the assent of the +hard-shell Free-Traders, who were glad to snatch at any chance of +defeating the proposed bounty to the farmer. They had been further +incensed by the appointment of Messrs. MONTAGU and CHURCHILL to the +Ministry, and hoped perhaps that some of the extreme Tories would help +them to give the PRIME MINISTER a good hard knock. + +Mr. PROTHERO made it plain from the outset that the Government meant +to stand or fall by the proposal in the Bill; and most of the friends +of the agricultural labourer prudently preferred twenty-five shillings +in the hand to thirty shillings in the bush; with the result that the +amendment was defeated by 301 to 102. + +Mr. HOGGE called attention to the anomalous position occupied by +Dr. ADDISON. The late Minister for Munitions and future Minister for +Reconstruction is for the moment only an ordinary Member. Ought he not +therefore to be re-elected before taking up his new appointment? Mr. +SPEAKER'S judicious reply, "I do not appoint Ministers," left one +wondering what sort of an appearance the Treasury Bench would present +if he did. + +_Tuesday, July 24th_.--Major HUNT and Mr. KING, though in some +respects not unlike one another--each combining a child-like belief +in what they are told outside the House with an invincible scepticism +in regard to the information they receive from Ministers inside--are +rarely found hunting in couples. But they made common cause to-day +over the alleged award of the Distinguished Service Order to persons +who had never been near the firing line, and they refused to accept +Mr. MACPHERSON'S assurance that it was only given for service in the +field. Mr. KING knew for a fact that a gentleman in France who had +only served in the Post-Office had received it--presumably for not +deserting his post; while Major HUNT could not understand how anyone +should have earned it for fighting at home. "How has this country been +attacked?" he asked indignantly. Air-raids evidently do not count with +this gallant yeoman. + +Efficiency, not economy, is the PRIME MINISTER'S watchword. Sir EDWARD +CARSON as a Member of the War Cabinet will have no portfolio, but will +enjoy the not inadequate salary of five thousand a year for what the +Profession calls "a thinking part." The new Minister of Reconstruction +is to have two thousand a year; and we shall no doubt hear shortly +that he has begun his labours by reconstructing another hotel for the +accommodation of his staff. + +[Illustration: THE SECRET SERVICE IN THE HOUSE. +MR. KING HAS SUSPICIONS OF SOMETHING NEFARIOUS.] + +With the spirit of expansion pervading the Head of the Government, +it is not surprising that the expenditure of the country continues to +rise. The panting estimators of the Treasury toil after it in vain. +Mr. McKENNA's passionate plea for a limit to our war-expenditure +would have carried more weight if he had shown any sign during his +own time at the Exchequer of being able to impose one. As it was, Mr. +G.D. FABER'S interjection, "Do you want to limit munitions?" quickly +reduced him to generalities. The House had to rest content with Mr. +BONAR LAW'S assurance that, though we could not go on for ever, we +could go on longer than our enemies. + +_Wednesday, July 25th_.--In answer to Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING the +UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR stated that since the outbreak of hostilities +there had been forty-seven airship raids and thirty "heavier than air" +raids upon this country, "making seventy-eight air-raids in all." +It is believed that the discrepancy is explained by Mr. BILLING'S +unaccountable omission on one occasion to make a speech. + +He made one to-night of prodigious length, which brought him into +personal collision with Major ARCHER-SHEE. Palace Yard was the +scene of the combat, which ended, as I understand, in ARCHER downing +PEMBERTON and BILLING sitting on SHEE. Then the police arrived and +swept up the hyphens. + +Opinions differ as to Mr. KING'S latest performance. Some hold his +complaint, that the Government had introduced detectives into the +precincts of the House, to have been perfectly genuine, and point to +his phrase, "I speak from conviction," as a proof that he was trying +to revenge himself for personal inconvenience suffered at the hands +of the minions of the law. Others contend that he knew all the time +the real reason for their presence--the possibility that Sinn Fein +emissaries would greet Mr. GINNELL'S impending departure with a +display of fireworks from the Gallery. + +_Thursday, July 26th_.--Mr. GINNELL put in a belated appearance this +afternoon in order to make a dramatic exit. But the performance lacked +spontaneity. Indeed honourable Members, even while they laughed, were, +I think, a little saddened by the sight of this elderly gentleman's +pathetic efforts to play the martyr. + +Only twenty Members agreed with Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD in believing, +or affecting to believe, that the recent resolution of the German +Reichstag was the solemn pronouncement of a sovereign people, and that +it only requires the endorsement of the British Government to produce +an immediate and equitable peace. Not much was left of this pleasant +theory after Mr. ASQUITH had dealt it a few of his sledge-hammer +blows. "So far as we know," he said, "the influence of the Reichstag, +not only upon the composition but upon the policy of the German +Government, remains what it has always been, a practically negligible +quantity." + +Any faint hopes that the pacificists may have cherished of a +favourable division were destroyed by Mr. SNOWDEN in a speech whose +character may be judged by the comment passed on it by Mr. O'GRADY, +just back from Russia, that "LENIN had preached the same doctrine +in Petrograd." + + * * * * * + +THE REST CURE. + +TRIBUNALS PLEASE COPY. + + "It is understood that the French Consul at Lourenco Marques, + M. Savoye, has, owing to ill-health, asked his Government to + allow him to return to Army duties."--_Cape Times_. + + * * * * * + + "Lady ---- set the fashion of arriving at the altar with empty + hands. She is the first bride to have had such an important + wedding without the etceteras of bouquet or prayerbook, + bridesmaids, pages, or wedding-cake."--_News of the World_. + +Far too big a handful. + + * * * * * + + "150 YEARS AGO--JULY 20, 1767. + + Reports of the borough treasurer of West Ham show a loss of + £41,000 on the municipal tramways and a loss of £35,000 on + the electricity undertaking."--_Northampton Daily Echo_. + +So the eighteenth century was not so much behind the present time as +we had been led to believe. + + * * * * * + + "Piano wanted by a lady to teach little girl to + learn."--_Provincial Paper_. + +One of those player-pianos with the new knuckle-rapping attachment, +we suppose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_"mopping up" captured trench_). "IS THERE +ANYONE DOWN THERE?" + +_Voice from dug out_. "JA! JA! KAMERAD!" + +_Tommy_. "THEN COME OUT HERE AND FRATERNISE."] + + * * * * * + +MILITARY AIDES. + +Last year, owing to the pressure of other engagements, we did not +mark out the tennis-lawn at "Sunnyside." This year the matter has +been taken out of our hands by the military powers. + +Nevin was the first to think of it. + +"What about a game of tennis?" he suggested one bright morning in May. +"Keep us from going to seed." + +It was his second day of leave after three months in the Ypres +salient, so the change may have been too sudden for him. + +"That's a toppin' notion," echoed Bob; "let's raid 'old Beetle's' +museum and dig out the posts." + +So Captain Richard Nevin, R.E., and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson, +R.G.A., took the affair into their own hands. + +Having seen the same forces cooperating on previous occasions, I +determined to keep clear of them. Besides, I am only "old Beetle." + +They found the posts in the tool-shed, and, borne upon the initial +enthusiasm of their venture, began to sink a sort of winze on each +side of the lawn. Up to this point they were perfectly amicable. + +Then Nevin, who is a thoughtful person, said suddenly, "I suppose you +made quite sure that the line of these posts will cross the centre of +the court?" And then, before Bob could retort, added, "Of course you +ought to have made absolutely certain of that. As it is we had better +leave this and find the corner irons." + +Corner irons that have remained undisturbed for some twenty-four +months have a way of concealing themselves. At the end of ten minutes +the seekers began to show signs of impatience. Such terms as "angles," +"bases," "centres," interspersed with "futilass," "sodamsure," +"knowseverything" were cast upon a hazardous breeze. + +Eventually they found one of the angles. To the ordinary layman this +would have meant the beginning of the end. But Captain Richard Nevin +and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson are made of different stuff. They +scorn the easy path. They have stores of deep knowledge to draw upon +which place their calculations beyond the ken of ordinary mortals. +After they had made a searching examination of the exhumed angle, Bob +pulled out a pencil, prostrated himself behind it and then proceeded +to gaze ecstatically over the top. + +I moved my chair slightly south, and pretended to regard the +apple-blossom, and when Nevin went into the house and brought out +something which dimly resembled a ship's sextant I had the extreme +presence of mind not to make any inquiries. + +Margery drifted up with a pink duster. + +"What ever are they doing?" she asked. + +"Hush!" I whispered; "Bob has just got the range of a supply train on +the far side of the rockery, and if Nevin (Nevin is the Crown Prince +of Wurtemberg) doesn't get the longitude of Bob's battery in the next +minute or so it's all up with his day's rations." + +Suddenly Bob rose and made some calculations on an old envelope. + +"That means three rounds battery fire," I said, "and the Prince loses +his lunch." + +Not satisfied with this success, Bob went indoors and looted the hall +of three walking-sticks and Margery's new sunshade. + +"What's he going to do now?" said Margery, with one eye on the +sunshade. + +He walked to the far end of the lawn and manoeuvred in a small circle. +"The water-jackets are boiling," I replied, "and they've run out of +cold water. He's divining with the sunshade. Look!" + +Bob suddenly drove the sunshade into the ground. There was a sharp +crack and--well, he found another iron. Of course he tried to explain +to Margery that it was an absolute accident and he only wanted to get +a sighting post; but that was mere self-effacement, and I said so. + +Things began to happen quickly after this, and if Private James +Thompson had not put in an unexpected appearance they might have +completed the job without any further difference of opinion. + +In the merry days before war was thrust upon us, James Thompson was +an architect of distinction. Obviously an architect of distinction can +reduce the difficulty of laying out a tennis-court to an elementary +and puerile absurdity. For half-an-hour the demonstration was +carried on in the garden, and, after Private Thompson had twice been +threatened with arrest for using insubordinate language to a superior, +it was decided to finish the discussion in my study, assisted by the +softening influence of the Tantalus. + +Not for a hundred pounds would I have ventured into the study. +I picked up _The Gardening Gazette_ and engrossed myself in an +interesting piece of scandal about the slug family. + +Suddenly Margery appeared at the double. + +"Do you know," I exclaimed excitedly, "it was the wireworm after all." + +"Come on," Margery panted irrelevantly, "buck up and we can finish it +before they come out again." + +In her hand she held a tape-measure and an official diagram of a +tennis-court. + +Five minutes later the experts emerged from the house. + +"Hullo!" exclaimed Nevin aggressively, "what have you been up to?" + +"Oh," I replied, flicking over a page on weed-killers, "Margery and I +thought we had better find the remainder of the tennis-court while you +were having a rest. Margery's gone for a ball of string, and if Bob +fetches the marker you can mark the court out now." + +Nevin's retort was addressed solely to Private James Thompson, who +had in an unfortunate moment given way to laughter of an unmilitary +character. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE. + +{Cartoon, four panels, each with two gentlemen gazing skyward, bombs +exploding nearby. One is using binoculars.} + +First panel: "From its shape-- + +Second panel: --I should say-- + +Third panel: --that must be-- + +Fourth panel: --Enemy Aircraft!"] + + * * * * * + +BOYCOTTING THE BARD. + + ["Contributors are particularly requested not to send + verses. They are not wanted in any circumstances and cannot + be printed, acknowledged or returned."--_British Weekly, + July 19th_.] + + I once believed the "Man of Kent" + To be the Muses' firm supporter + And only less benevolent + To bards than Mr. C.K. SHORTER. + + But this untimely cruel blow + Has quite irrevocably shattered + The hopes which till a week ago + My fondest aspirations flattered. + + Wounds that are dealt us by our friends + Are faithful, but the name endearing + Of friend is hardly his who lends + And then denies the bard a hearing. + + How then, O brother songsters, can + You take it lying down, and meekly + Submit to this tyrannic ban + Laid on you by _The British Weekly_? + + No, no, you'll rather emulate + The Minstrel Boy, and we shall find you + Storming its barred and bolted gate + With reams of lyrics slung behind you. + + * * * * * + + "The time is ripe for the authorities to stop all street + traffic and to order all unauthorised persons to take cover + under penalty at the approach of the air raiders."--_Daily + Paper_. + +Personally, as a means of shelter we prefer the coal-cellar to any +penalty. + + * * * * * + + "Will Mr. Russell deny that 660 million gallons of milk + were produced in Ireland last year, of which half went + to the creameries and more to the margarine factories + and to England?"--_Letter in Irish Paper_. + +The Irish gallon would appear to be as elastic as the Irish mile. + + * * * * * + +"DIVISIONAL SIGNS." + +The purpose of a Divisional Sign is to deceive the enemy. Let us +suppose that you belong to the 580th Division, B.E.F. You do not put +"580" on your waggons and your limbers and on the tin-hats of your +Staff. Certainly not. The enemy would know about you if you did that. +You have a secret sign, such as tramps chalk on your wall at home, +to let other tramps know that you are a stingy devil with a dog. +There are many theories as to how these signs are chosen. One is +that a committee of officers sits _in camerâ_ for forty-eight hours +without food or drink till it has decided on an arrow or a cat, or +a dandelion, rampant. + +Let us take it that a cat is chosen--a quiet thing in cats--crimson on +a green-and-white chess-board background. Forthwith (as adjutants say) +a crimson cat on a green-and-white chess-board background is painted +and embroidered on everything that can be painted and embroidered +on--limbers and waggons and hand-carts and arm-bands and the +tin-hats of the Staff. And the Division goes forth as it were masked, +disguised, just like one of Mr. LE QUEUX'S diplomatist heroes at a +fancy-dress ball, wearing a domino. You perceive the mystery of it? +None of your naked numbers for us B.E.F. men. The Division marches +through a village, and the dear old Man Who Knows, cropping up again +in the army, says, "Ha! A red cat on a green-and-white chess-board +back-ground? That's the Seventeenth Division." + +You see it now? The enemy agent overhears. The false news is sent +crackling through the ether to Berlin (wireless, my dear, in the +cellar, of course). The German General Staff looks up the village on +a map, and sticks into it a flag marked 17. Not 580, mark you. And +the General Staff frowns, and Majesty pushes the ends of its moustache +into its eyes at the knowledge that the Seventeenth Division is in +----. + +And all the time it is in ----! And the agent pockets his cheque. So +wars are won and lost. + +Just conceive the romance of it. It is heraldry gone mad. + +Myself, however, I incline to another theory as to the origin of these +symbols. + +A Higher Command enters his office. Higher Commands always enter. The +office is hung, like a studio in one of Mr. GEORGE MORROW'S pictures, +with diagrams of circles and triangles and crosses and straight lines. +The Higher Command, being a man of like passions with ourselves, +has just finished tinned Oxford marmalade and a cigarette. He heads +for the "IN" basket on his desk and takes from it the "Arrivals and +Departures" paper. "Ha!" says he to the lady secretary, "I see six +new divisions landed yesterday." He pauses. Outside there is no sound +to be heard save the loud and continuous crash of the sentry's hand +against his rifle as he salutes the passing A.D.C.'s. "What about +signs?" says the Higher Command. The lady secretary says nothing. She +floods the carburettor of the typewriter preparatory to thumping out +"Ref. attached correspondence" on it. + +The Higher Command stares at the diagrams on the wall. He is feeling +strangely light-hearted this morning. He has won five francs at bridge +the night before from the D.A.D.M.O. A.D.G.S. And mere circles and +squares have somehow lost their savour for him. He plunges. "What +about a lion?" he says. + +The lady secretary opens the throttle and plays a few bars on the +"cap." key. + +"A red lion?" says the Higher Command seductively. + +"It has already been done," says the lady secretary coldly. + +"Who by--I mean by whom?" inquires the H.C. indignantly. + +"By the Deputy Assistant Director of Higher Commands, when you were +on leave last week," she tells him. + +He mutters a military oath against the D.A.D.H.C. Then his face +clears. + +"Tigers?" he suggests hopefully. + +"We might do a green tiger," she says reluctantly. + +"With yellow stripes!" shouts the H.C. + +"On a mauve background," says she, warming to it. + +And so one division is disposed of. But it is not always so, of +course. + +After a Hun counter-attack, for instance, the H.C. may gaze morosely +on his geometrical figures and throw off a little thing in triangles +and St. Andrew's crosses. Or when the moon is at the full you may +have a violet allotted to you as your symbol. One never knows. My +own divisional sign, for instance, is an iddy-umpty plain on a field +plainer. We vary the heraldry by ringing changes on the colours. On +our brigade arm-band it becomes an iddy-umpty gules on a field azure. +If I could be quite sure of the heraldic slang for puce I would tell +you what it is on our Army Corps arm-band. On a waggon it used to be +an iddy-umpty blank on a field muddy. But administrative genius has +changed all that. A routine order, the other day, ordered a pink +border to be painted round it, and this first simple essay of the +departed Morse goes now through the villages of France in a bed of +roses. + +We wish sometimes that our conditions were changed as easily as our +signs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dugal._ "I DOOT, TAMMAS, THERE'S SOME INFORMEESHUN +THAT MAN LLOYD GEORGE HAS GOT THAT WE HAVENA GOT."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "The Lord Provost will preside over the meeting at which Mr. + Churchill will speak in Dundee this afternoon. + + Many thousands of people are leaving Dundee for their annual + holiday."--_Manchester Daily Dispatch_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Alderman Domoney, in remanding at the Guildhall to-day + two boys charged with theft, said he always liked to deal + leniently with boys so young and to give the ma fresh start + in life."--_Evening Paper_. + +Not a word about the pa, you observe; yet we daresay he was equally +responsible. + + * * * * * + +From the Orders of a Battalion in France:-- + + "The undermentioned N.C.O.'s and men will parade at 10.30 + a.m., bringing with them their gas-helmets and the unexpired + portion of their rations." + +It is surmised that this refers to the cheese-issue. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Basil_. "MUMMY, AREN'T WE EXCEEDING THE SPEED +RATION?"] + + * * * * * + +BULLINGTON. + + It was in the high midsummer and the sun was shining strong, + And the lane was rather flinty and the lane was rather long, + When, up and down the gentle hills beside the stripling Test, + I chanced to come to Bullington and stayed a while to rest. + + It was drowned in peace and quiet, as the river reeds were drowned + In the water clear as crystal, flowing by with scarce a sound; + And the air was like a posy with the sweet haymaking smells, + And the Roses and Sweet-Williams and Canterbury Bells. + + Far away as some strange planet seemed the old world's dust and din, + And the trout in sun-warmed shallows hardly seemed to stir a fin, + And there's never a clock to tell you how the hurrying world goes on + In the little ivied steeple down in drowsy Bullington. + + Small and sleepy there it nestled, seeming far from hastening Time, + As a teeny-tiny village in some quaint old nursery rhyme, + And a teeny-tiny river by a teeny-tiny weir + Sang a teeny-tiny ditty that I stayed a while to hear:-- + + "Oh the stream runs to the river and the river to the sea; + But the reedy banks of Bullington are good enough for me; + Oh the road runs to the highway and the highway o'er the down, + But it's just as good in Bullington as mighty London town." + + Then high above an aeroplane in humming flight went by, + With the droning of its engines filling all the cloudless sky; + And like the booming of a knell across that perfect day + There came the guns' dull thunder from the ranges far away. + + And, while I lay and listened, oh the river's sleepy tune + Seemed to change its rippling music, like the cuckoo's stave in June, + And the cannon's distant thunder and the engines' warlike drone + Seemed to mingle with its burthen in a solemn undertone:-- + + "Oh the stream runs to the river, and the river to the sea, + And there's war on land and water, and there's work for you and me; + And on many a field of glory there are gallant lives laid down + As well for sleepy Bullington as mighty London Town." + + So I roused me from my daydream, for I knew the song spoke true, + That it isn't time for dreaming while there's duty still to do; + And I turned into the highroad where it meets the flinty lane, + And the world of wars and sorrows was about me once again. + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +REMEMBRANCE. + +"Stop, Francesca," I cried. "Don't talk; don't budge; don't blink. +Give me time. I've all but--" + +"What _are_ you up to?" she said. + +"There," I said, "you've done it. I had it on the tip of my tongue, +and now it has gone back for ever into the limbo of forgotten things, +and all because you couldn't keep silent for the least little fraction +of a second." + +"My poor dear," she said, "I _am_ sorry. But why didn't you tell me +you were trying to remember something?" + +"That," I said, "would have been just as fatal to it. These things are +only remembered in an atmosphere of perfect silence. The mental effort +must have room to develop." + +"Don't tell me," she said tragically, "that I have checked the +development of a mental effort. That would be too awful." + +"Well," I said, "that's exactly what you _have_ done, that and nothing +less. I feel just as if I'd tried to go upstairs where there wasn't a +step." + +"Or downstairs." + +"Yes," I said, "it's equally painful and dislocating." + +"But you're not the only one," she said, "who's forgotten things. I've +done quite a lot in that line myself. I've forgotten the measles and +sugar and Lord RHONDDA and the Irish trouble and your Aunt Matilda, +and where I left my _pince-nez_ and what's become of the letters I +received this morning, and whom I promised to meet where and when to +talk over what. You needn't think you're the only forgetter in the +world. I can meet you on that and any other ground." + +"But," I said, "the thing you made me forget--" + +"I didn't." + +"You did." + +"No, for you hadn't remembered it." + +"Well, anyhow I shall put it on to you, and I want you to realise that +it's not like one of your trivialities--" + +"This man," said Francesca, "refers to his Aunt Matilda and Lord +RHONDDA as trivialities." + +"It is not," I continued inexorably, "like one of your trivialities. +It's a most important thing, and it begins with a 'B.'" + +"Are you sure of that?" + +"Yes, I'm sure it begins with a 'B'--or perhaps a 'W.' Yes, I'm sure +it's a 'W' now." + +"I'm going," said Francesca with enthusiasm, "to coax that word or +thing, or whatever it is, back to the tip of your tongue and beyond +it. So let's have all you know about it. Firstly, then, it begins with +a 'W.'" + +"Yes, it begins with a 'W,' and I feel it's got something to do with +Lord RHONDDA." + +"That doesn't help much. So far as I can see, everything now is more +or less nearly connected with Lord RHONDDA." + +"But my forgotten thing isn't bread or meat. It's something remoter." + +"Is it Mr. KENNEDY-JONES?" said Francesca. "He's just resigned, you +know." + +"No, it's not Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. How could it be? Mr. KENNEDY-JONES +doesn't begin with a 'W.'" + +"If I were you, I shouldn't insist too much on that 'W.' I should keep +it in the background, for it's about ten to one you'll find in the +end that it doesn't begin with a 'W.' At any rate we've made two short +advances; we know it isn't Mr. KENNEDY-JONES, because he doesn't begin +with a 'W,' and we are not very sure that it begins with a 'W.'" + +"Keep quiet," I said, flushing with anticipation. "I'm getting it ... +your last remark has put me on the track.... Silence.... Ah ... it's +_DEVONSHIRE CREAM!_ There--I've got it at last. I feel an overwhelming +desire for Devonshire cream." + +"The sort that begins with a 'W.'" + +"Well, it's got a 'V' in it, anyhow." + +"And it isn't Devonshire cream at all. It's really Cornish cream--at +least Mary Penruddock says it is." + +"Cornish or Devonshire, that's what I must have, if Lord RHONDDA'S +rules allow it." + +"All right, I'll get you a pot or two if I can. But are you sure you +won't forget it again?" + +"If I do," I said, "I can always remember it by the W.'" + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANGE CURE. + + ["The only way to make domestic service popular is for + a duchess to become a tweeny-maid."--_Evening Paper_.] + + It may be that a modern _Mene, Mene_ + Will force the Duchess to become a tweeny; + But, ere this democratic transformation + Secures the "old nobility's" salvation, + Some other changes are not less but more + Needful to aid our progress in the War. + + For instance, with what rapture were we blest + If Some-one gave his nimble tongue a rest + And, turning Trappist, stanched the fearsome gush + Of egotistic and thrasonic slush; + Or if Lord X. eschewed his daily speeches + And took to canning Californian peaches; + Or if egregious LYNCH could but abstain + From "ruining along the illimitable inane" + At Question-time, and try to render PLATO'S + _Republic_ into Erse, or grow potatoes; + Or if our novelists wrote cheerful books, + Instead of joining those superfluous cooks + Who spoil our daily journalistic broth + By lashing it into a fiery froth. + + Counsels of sheer perfection, you will say, + In times when ev'ry mad dog has his day, + Yet none the less inviting as the theme + Of a millennial visionary's dream. + + And as for Duchesses turned tweeny-maids + Or following other unobtrusive trades + There's nothing very wonderful or new + Or difficult to credit in the view; + For DICKENS--whom I never fail to bless + For solace in these days of storm and stress-- + Found his best slavey in _The Marchioness_. + + * * * * * + +WHO INVENTED THE NAME "SAMMIES"? + + "They are 'Sammies' now, and the name probably will stick + along with 'Tommy,' 'poilu' and 'Fritz.' ... The christening + was one of those spontaneous affairs, coming nobody knows + how."--_Kansas City Star_. + +Mr. Punch, ever reluctant to take credit to himself, feels +nevertheless bound to say that the suggestion of the name "Sammies" +for our American Allies appeared in his columns as long ago as June +13th. On page 384 of that issue (after quoting _The Daily News_ as +having said, "We shall want a name for the American 'Tommies' when +they come; but do not call them 'Yankees'; they none of them like it") +he wrote: "As a term of distinction and endearment, Mr. Punch suggests +'Sammies'--after their uncle." + + * * * * * + + "London.-- ---- House. Bed, breakfast 4s., per week 24s. 6d. + No other meals at present." + +This should encourage the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Transport Officer_. "CONFOUND IT, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU +DOING? DON'T TEASE THE ANIMALS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +HANSI, the Alsatian caricaturist and patriot, who escaped a few months +before the War, after being condemned by the German courts to fifteen +months' imprisonment for playing off an innocent little joke on four +German officers, and did his share of fighting with the French in the +early part of the War, is the darling of the Boulevards. They adore +his supreme skill in thrusting the irritating lancet of his humour +into bulging excrescences on the flank of that monstrous pachyderm +of Europe, the German. _Professor Knatschke_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +aptly translated by Professor R.L. CREWE, is a joyous rag. It purports +to be the correspondence of a Hun Professor, full of an egregious +self-sufficiency and humourlessness and greatly solicitous for the +unhappy Alsatian who is ignorant and misguided enough to prefer the +Welsch (i.e. foreign) "culture-swindle" to the glorious paternal +Kultur of the German occupation. And HANSI illustrates his witty text +with as witty and competent a pencil. HANSI has, in effect, the full +status of an Ally all by himself. He adds out of the abundance of his +heart a diary and novel by _Knatschke's_ daughter, _Elsa_, full of +the artless sentimentality of the German virgin. It is even better fun +than the Professor's part of the business. Naturally the full flavour +of both jokes must be missed by the outsider. HANSI is the more +effective in that he chuckles quietly, never guffaws and never rails. +Fun of the best. + + * * * * * + +There is not much left for me to say in praise of Mr. JACK LONDON'S +dog-stories; and anyhow, if his name on the cover of _Jerry of the +Islands_ (MILLS AND BOON) is not enough, no persuasion of mine +will induce you to read it. Those of us to whom dogs are merely +animals--just that--will find this history of an Irish terrier dull +enough; but others who have in their time given their "heart to a dog +to tear" will recognise and joyously welcome Mr. LONDON'S sympathetic +understanding of his hero. _Jerry's_ adventurous life as here told +was spent in the Solomon Islands, which is not, I gather, the most +civilized part of the globe. He had been brought up to dislike +niggers, and when he disliked anyone he did not hesitate to show his +feelings and his teeth. So it is possible that for some tastes he +left his marks a little too frequently; but in the end he thoroughly +justified his inclination to indulge in what looked like unprovoked +attacks upon bare legs. For unless he had kept his teeth in by +constant practice he might never have contrived to save his beloved +master and mistress from a very cowardly and crafty attack. Good dog, +_Jerry_! + + * * * * * + +I admit that the fact of its publishers having branded _The Road to +Understanding_ (CONSTABLE) as "A Pure Love Story" did not increase the +hopes with which I opened it. Let me however hasten also to admit that +half of it certainly bettered expectation. That was the first half, +in which _Burke Denby_, the heir to (dollar) millions, romantically +defied his father and married his aunt's nursery governess, and +immediately started to live the reverse of happy-ever after. All this, +the contrast between ideals in a mansion and love in a jerry-built +villa, and the thousand ways in which _Mrs. Denby_ got upon her +husband's nerves and generally blighted his existence, are told with +an excellently human and sympathetic understanding, upon which I make +my cordial congratulations to Miss ELEANOR H. PORTER. But because +the book, however human, belongs, after all, to the category of "Best +Sellers" it appears to have been found needful to furbish up this +excellent matter with an incredible ending. That _Mrs. Denby_ should +retire with her infant to Europe, in order to educate herself to her +husband's level, I did not mind. This thing has been done before now +even in real life. But that, on returning after the lapse of years, +she should introduce the now grown-up daughter, unrecognised, as +secretary to her father! "Somehow ... you remind me strangely.... Tell +me of your parents." "My daddy ... I never knew him." Or words to that +effect. It is all there, spoiling a tale that deserved better. + + * * * * * + +The voracious novel-reader is apt to hold detective stories in the +same regard that the Scotchman is supposed to entertain towards +whisky--some are better than others, but there are no really bad ones. +_The Pointing Man_ (HUTCHINSON) is better than most, in the first +place because it takes us "east of Suez"--a pleasant change from +the four-mile radius to which the popular sleuths of fiction mostly +confine their activities; and, secondly, because it combines a maximum +of sinister mystery with a minimum of actual bloodshed; and, lastly, +because our credulity is not strained unduly either by the superhuman +ingenuity of the hunter or an excess of diabolical cunning on the part +of the quarry. Otherwise the story possesses the usual features. There +is the clever young detective, in whose company we expectantly scour +the bazaars and alleys of Mangadone in search of a missing boy. There +are Chinamen and Burmese, opium dens and curio shops, temples and +go-downs. Miss MARJORIE DOUIE has more than a superficial knowledge +of her stage setting, and gets plenty of movement and colour into +it. And if she has elaborated the characters and inter-play of her +Anglo-Burmese colony to an extent that is not justified either by +their connection with the plot or the necessity of mystifying the +reader we must forgive her because she does it very well--so well +indeed that we may hope to see _The Pointing Man_, excellent as it is +in its way, succeeded by a contribution to Anglo-Oriental literature +that will do ampler justice to Miss DOUIE'S unquestionable gifts. + + * * * * * + +Our writers appear willing converts to my own favourite theory that +the public is, like a child, best pleased to hear the tales that it +already knows by heart. The latest exponent of this is the lady who +prefers to be called only "The Author of _An Odd Farmhouse_." Her new +little book, _Your Unprofitable Servant_ (WESTALL), is a record of +domestic happenings and impressions during the early phases of the +War. The thing is skilfully done, and in the result carries you with +interest from page to page; though (as I hint) the history of those +August days, when Barbarism came forth to battle and Civilisation +regretfully unpacked its holiday suit-cases, can hardly appeal now +with the freshness of revelation. Still, the writer brings undeniable +gifts to her more than twice-told tale. She has, for example, +perception and a turn of phrase very pleasant, as when she speaks +of the shops in darkened London conducting the last hour of business +under lowered awnings, "as if it were a liaison." There are many such +rewarding passages, some perhaps a little facile, but, taken together, +quite enough to make this unpretentious little volume a very agreeable +companion for the few moments of leisure which are all that most of us +can get in these strenuous days. + + * * * * * + +I enjoyed at a pleasant sitting the whole of Mr. FRANK SWINNERTON'S +_Nocturne_ (SECKER). I don't quite know (and I don't see how +the author can quite know) whether his portraits of pretty +self-willed _Jenny_ and plain love-hungry _Emmy_, the daughters +of the superannuated iron-moulder, are true to life, but they are +extraordinarily plausible. Not a word or a mood or a move in the +inter-play of five characters in four hours of a single night, the +two girls and "_Pa_," and _Alf_ and _Keith_, the sailor and almost +gentleman who was _Jenny's_ lover, seemed to me out of place. The +little scene in the cabin of the yacht between _Jenny_ and _Keith_ +is a quite brilliant study in selective realism. Take the trouble to +look back on the finished chapters and see how much Mr. SWINNERTON has +told you in how few strokes, and you will realise the fine and precise +artistry of this attractive volume. I can see the lights, the silver +and the red glow of the wine; and I follow the flashes and pouts +and tearful pride of _Jenny_, and _Keith's_ patient, embarrassed, +masterful wooing as if I had been shamefully eavesdropping. + + * * * * * + +_Fool Divine_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) stands to some extent in +a position unique among novels in that its heroine is also its +villainess, or at least the wrecker of its hero. _Nevile del Varna_, +the lady in question, is indeed the only female character in the +tale, and has therefore naturally to work double tides. What happened +was that young _Christopher_, a superman and hero, dedicate, as a +volunteer, to the unending warfare of science against the evil goddess +of the Tropics, yellow fever, met this more human divinity when on +his journey to the scene of action, and, like a more celebrated +predecessor, "turned aside to her." Then, naturally enough, when +_Nevile_ has gotten him for her husband and when love of her has +caused him to abandon his project of self-sacrifice, she repays +him with scorn. And as the unhappy _Christopher_ already scorns +himself the rest of the book (till the final chapters) is a record +of deterioration more clever than exactly cheerful. The moral of it +all being, I suppose, that if you are wedded to an ideal you should +beware of taking to yourself a mortal wife, for that means bigamy. +Incidentally the book contains some wonderfully impressive pictures of +tropical life and of the general beastliness of existence on a rubber +plantation. At the end, as I have indicated, regeneration comes for +_Christopher_--though I will not reveal just how this happens. There +is also a subsidiary interest in the revolutionary affairs of Cuba, +which the much-employed _Nevile_ appears to manage, as a local Joan of +Arc, in her spare moments; and altogether the book can be recommended +as one that will at least take you well away from the discomforts of +here and now. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TALE OF A GREAT OFFENSIVE. + +"'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'LL GET A THICK EAR!' I SEZ, 'WHO?' 'E SEZ, 'YOU!' +I SEZ, 'ME?' 'E SEZ 'YUS!' I SEZ 'HO!'"] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, August 1, 1917., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12043 *** diff --git a/12043-h/12043-h.htm b/12043-h/12043-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9fd9b94 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/12043-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2384 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, August 1, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12043 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 1, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The Imperial aspirations of KING FERDINAND are discussed by + a Frankfort paper in an article entitled "What Bulgaria wants." + Significantly enough the ground covered is almost identical + with the subject-matter of an unpublished article of our own, + entitled "What Bulgaria won't get."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The cow which walked down sixteen stairs into a cellar at + Willesden is said to have been the victim of a false air-raid + warning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"In Scotland," says Mr. BARNES'S report on Industrial + Unrest, "the subject of liquor restrictions was never + mentioned." Some thoughts are too poignant for utterance.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the statement of a German paper "A Partial + Crisis" threatens Austria. One of these days we feel sure + something really serious will happen to that country.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Medical Officer of the L.C.C. estimates that in 1916 the + total water which flowed under London Bridge was + 875,000,000,000 gallons. It is not known yet what is to be done + about it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Army Council has forbidden the sale of raffia in the + United Kingdom. Personally we never eat the stuff.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Nature Notes: A white sparrow has been seen in Huntingdon; a + well-defined solar halo has been observed in Hertfordshire, and + Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL was noticed the other day reading <i>The + Morning Post</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A boy of eighteen told the Stratford magistrate that he had + given up his job because he only got twenty-five shillings a + week. He will however continue to give the War his moral + support.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Austrian EMPEROR has told the representative of <i>The + Cologne Gazette</i> that he "detests war." If not true this is + certainly a clever invention on KARL'S part.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We feel that the public need not have been so peevish + because the experimental siren air-raid warning was not heard + by everybody in London. They seem to overlook the fact that + full particulars of the warning appeared next morning in the + papers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man who obtained two hundred-weight of sugar from a firm + of ship-brokers has been fined ten pounds at Glasgow. Some + curiosity exists as to the number of ships he had to purchase + in order to secure that amount of sugar.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A London magistrate has held that tea and dinner concerts in + restaurants are subject to the entertainment tax. This decision + will come as a great shock to many people who have always + regarded the music as an anæsthetic.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The no-tablecloths order has caused great perturbation among + the better-class hotel-keepers in Berlin. Does the Government, + they ask sarcastically, expect their class of patron to wipe + their mouths on their shirt-cuffs?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The chairman of the House of Commons' Tribunal complains + that while cats drink milk as usual they no longer catch mice. + This however may easily be remedied if the FOOD-CONTROLLER will + meet them halfway on the question of dilution.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The public has been warned by Scotland Yard against a man + calling himself Sid Smith. We wouldn't do it ourselves, of + course, but we are strongly opposed to the police interfering + in what is after all purely a matter of personal taste.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The bones of ST. GEORGE have been discovered near Beersheba + in Palestine by members of our Expeditionary Force. This should + dispel the popular delusion which has always ascribed the last + resting-place of England's patron saint to the present site of + the Mint.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"War bread will keep for a week," stated Mr. CLYNES for the + Ministry of Food. Of course you can keep it longer if you are + collecting curios.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that all salaries in the German Diplomatic + Service have been reduced. We always said that frightfulness + didn't really pay.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>German women have been asked to place their hair at the + disposal of the authorities. If they do not care to sacrifice + their own hair they can just send along the handful or two + which they collect in the course of waiting in the butter + queue.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i> has been rendered by amateur actors at the + Front, all scenery being dispensed with. If you must dispense + with one or the other, why not leave out the acting?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"To assist in the breaking-up of grass-land," we are told, + "the Board of Agriculture proposes to allocate a number of + horses to agricultural counties." The idea of allocating some + of our incurable golfers to this purpose does not appear to + have suggested itself to our slow-witted authorities.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I have resigned because there is no further need for my + services," said Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. Several politicians are of + the opinion that this was not a valid reason.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>First ex-Knut</i>. "WOULDN'T CARE TO BE IN BLIGHTY + NOW, REG., WHEN IT'S ROTTEN FORM TO GO IN FOR FANCY TEAS + AND THAT—WHAT?"</p> + + <p><i>Second ex-Knut</i>. "HONK!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Expansive Smile.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"SIX HUNDRED SQUARE MILES. BRITISH GAINS SINCE LAST + YEAR."—<i>The Statesman</i> (<i>India</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Berlin Tageblatt</i> says that HERR MIHAELIS in the + critical passages measured his words "as carefully as if they + were meat rations." A wise precaution, in view of the + likelihood that he would have to eat them.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a Cinema advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"KEEPS YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS THROUGHOUT THE FIVE + ACTS OF A STORY THAT UNFOLDS ITSELF MIDST THE ROMANTIC + PURLOINS OF ITALY AND ENGLAND."—<i>Austrian + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We gather that the scene is laid in the thieves' + quarter.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" + id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span> + + <h2>TO WILLIAM AT THE BACK OF THE GALICIAN FRONT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once more you follow in Bellona's train,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Her train de luxe) in search of cheap + réclame;</p> + + <p class="i2">Once more you flaunt your rearward + oriflamme,</p> + + <p>A valiant eagle nosing out the slain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not to the West, where RUPPRECHT stands at bay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hard pushed with hounds of England at his + throat,</p> + + <p class="i2">And WILLIE'S chance grows more and more + remote</p> + + <p>Of breaking hearts along The Ladies' Way;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But to the East you go, for easier game,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where traitors to their faith desert the + fight,</p> + + <p class="i2">And better men than yours are swept in + flight</p> + + <p>By coward Anarchy that sells her shame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For here, by favour of your new allies,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll see recovered all you lost of + late,</p> + + <p class="i2">When, tried in open combat, fair and + straight,</p> + + <p>Your Huns were flattened out like swatted flies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, make the most of this so timely boom,</p> + + <p class="i2">For Russia yet may cut the cancer + out—</p> + + <p class="i2">Her heart is big enough—and turn + about</p> + + <p>Clean-limbed and strong and terrible as doom.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, though she fail us in the final test,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not there, not there, my child, the end + shall be,</p> + + <p class="i2">But where, without your option, France + and we</p> + + <p>Have made our own arrangements further West.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DUSTBIN.</h2> + + <p>He dropped in to tea, quite casually; forced an entry + through the mud wall of our barn, in fact. No, he wouldn't sit + down—expected to be leaving in a few minutes; but he + didn't mind if he did have a sardine, and helped himself to the + tinful. Yes, a bit of bully, thanks, wouldn't be amiss; and a + nice piece of coal; cockchafers very good too when, as now, in + season; and, for savoury, a little nibble with a yard of tarred + string and an empty cardboard cigarette-box. Thank you very + much.</p> + + <p>"Why, the little brute's a perfect dustbin," said my mate; + and "Dustbin" the puppy was throughout his stay with us.</p> + + <p>For six weeks did Dustbin—attached for rations and + discipline—accompany us on our sanitary rounds; set us a + fine example of indifference to shell fire, even to the extent + of attempting to catch spent shrapnel as it fell; and proved + the wettest of wet blankets to the "socials" of the local rats. + Then, as happens with sanitary inspectors in France, there + arrived late one afternoon a despatch requesting the pleasure + of my society—in five hours' time—at a village some + twenty kilos distant as the shell flies. I found I should have + fifteen minutes in which to pack, four hours for my journey, + and forty-five minutes between the packing and the start in + which to find a home for Dustbin.</p> + + <p>"Take the little dorg off you?" said a Sergeant acquaintance + in the D.A.C. "I couldn't, Corp'l. Why, I don't even know how + I'm goin' to take the foal yonder"—he glared + reproachfully at a placid Clydesdale mare and her tottering + one-day-old; "and 'ow I'm goin' to take my posh + breeches—"</p> + + <p>I left him hovering despondently over his equipment and a + pile of dirty linen.</p> + + <p>We tried the M.G.C. We were on the best of terms and always + had been; they said so. They apologised in advance for the + insanitary conditions I might find; inquired after my health; + offered me some coffee and generally loved me; but they + couldn't love my dog. The Cook even went so far as openly to + associate my guileless puppy with a shortage of dried herrings + in the sergeants' mess.</p> + + <p>Passing through the E.A.M.C. transport lines I rescued + Dustbin from a hulking native mongrel wearing an identity disc. + I judged the Ambulance would not be wanting another dog; but + there was still hope with the Salvage Company.</p> + + <p>The Salvagier whom I met upon the threshold of the "billet" + (half a limber load of bricks and an angle iron) was quite sure + the Salvage Company couldn't take a dog, as they had an infant + wild boar and two fox cubs numbering on their strength; but he + thought that he could plant my prodigy with a friend of his, a + bombardier in the E.G.A., the only other unit within easy + distance. We headed for the E.G.A.</p> + + <p>It was just at this point that there occurred one of those + little incidents so dear to the comic draughtsman, but less + popular with "us." A moaning howl, a rushing hissing sound, a + moment of tense and awful silence, a devastating crash, and the + E.G.A. officers' bath-house, "erected at enormous trouble and + expense" by a handful of T.U. men and myself the day before, + soared heavenwards with an acre or two of the surrounding + scenery. "Yes," said the Salvage gentleman as he regained his + perpendicular, "as I was sayin', 'is size is in 'is favour + (you'd better git down ag'in, Corp'l)—'is size is in 'is + favour; 'e'll go in a dixie easy, or even in a—(there's + another bit orf the church)—even in a tin 'at, if you + fold 'im up, but I'm 'fraid the 'eads ain't much in favour of a + dog. Leastways the ole man I know was a member of the Cat + Club—took a lot o' prizes at the Crys'l Pala..."</p> + + <p>"I think we'd better run this little bit, Corp'l," my guide + said suddenly. It was advisable. A sprint along some two + hundred yards of what had once been a road, with a stone wall + (like a slab of <i>gruyère</i> now, alas) upon our + right, and we should once more have the comfortable feeling one + always enjoys in a "hot" village when there are houses upon + either hand. A trolley load of rations held the middle of the + road; the ration party was, I believe, in the ditch upon the + left; and a strangled voice exclaimed after each burst, "Oh + crummy! I do 'ope they don't 'it the onions."</p> + + <p>We gave our forty-seventh impersonation of a pair of + starfish, and then legged it for the apparent shelter of the + houses. At least I did; the salvage man, less squeamish, found + a haven in an adjacent cookhouse grease-trap and dust-shoot. I + listened intently, but it was only the falling of spent + shrapnel, not the patter of Dustbin's baby but quite enormous + feet. A stove-pipe belching smoke and savoury fumes protruded + itself through the pavement on my right. Through the chinks in + the gaping slabs there came the ruddy flicker that bespoke a + "home from home" beneath my feet; and then, still listening for + signs of Dustbin, I heard—</p> + + <p>"Didn't I tell you, Erb, to stop up that extra ventilation + 'ole with somethin'?—and now look wot's blown in. 'Ere, + steady on, ole man; that's got to last four men for three + days."</p> + + <p>"Well, I'm ——," chimed in another voice, "if the + bloomin' tin ain't empty. Why, I only just opened + it—that's a 'ole Maconochie 'e's got inside 'im, not + countin' wot you've just.... Poor little beggar must be + starvin'. You're welcome to stop and share our grub, young + feller, but I've got to go on p'rade wiv that—that's a + belt, that is...."</p> + + <p>I turned towards the dimly lighted road that led to + —— [Censored]. Dustbin had found a home.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A FATEFUL SESSION.</h3>SITTING HEN. "GO AWAY! DON'T + HURRY ME!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/71.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Inquiring Lady</i> (<i>ninety-ninth question</i>). + "AND WHAT ARE YOU IN THE NAVY, MAY I ASK?"</p> + + <p><i>Tar</i>. "I'M A FLAG-WAGGER, MARM—YES."</p> + + <p><i>Inquiring Lady</i>. "OH, REALLY! AND WHAT DO YOU WAG + FLAGS FOR?"</p> + + <p><i>Tar</i> (<i>in a ring-off voice</i>). "MAKIN' READY + FOR THE PEACE CELEBRATIONS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUDLARKS.</h2> + + <p>The scene is a School of Instruction at the back of the + Western Front set in a valley of green meadows bordered by + files of plumy poplars and threaded through by a silver ribbon + of water.</p> + + <p>On the lazy afternoon breeze come the concerted yells of a + bayonet class, practising frightfulness further down the + valley; also the staccato chatter of Lewis guns punching holes + in the near hill-side.</p> + + <p>In the centre of one meadow is a turf <i>manège</i>. + In the centre of the <i>manège</i> stands the villain of + the piece, the Riding-Master.</p> + + <p>He wears a crown on his sleeve, tight breeches, jack-boots, + vicious spurs and sable moustachios. His right hand toys with a + long, long whip, his left with his sable moustachios. He looks + like DIAVOLO, the lion-tamer, about to put his man-eating chums + through hoops of fire.</p> + + <p>His victims, a dozen Infantry officers, circle slowly round + the <i>manège</i>. They are mounted on disillusioned + cavalry horses who came out with WELLINGTON and know a thing or + two. Now and again they wink at the Riding-Master and he winks + back at them.</p> + + <p>The audience consists of an ancient Gaul in picturesque blue + pants, whose <i>métier</i> is to totter round the + meadows brushing flies off a piebald cow; the School Padre, who + keeps at long range so that he may see the sport without + hearing the language, and ten little <i>gamins</i>, who have + been splashing in the silver stream and are now sitting drying + on the bank like ten little toads.</p> + + <p>They come every afternoon, for never have they seen such + fun, never since the great days before the War when the circus + with the boxing kangaroo and the educated porks came to + town.</p> + + <p>Suddenly the Riding-Master clears his throat. At the sound + thereof the horses cock their ears and their riders grab + handfuls of leather and hair.</p> + + <p><i>R.-M.</i> "Now, gentlemen, mind the word. Gently away + tra-a-a-at." The horses break into a slow jog-trot and the + cavaliers into a cold perspiration. The ten little + <i>gamins</i> cheer delightedly.</p> + + <p><i>R.-M.</i> "Sit down, sit up, 'ollow yer backs, keep the + hands down backs foremost, even pace. Number Two, Sir, 'ollow + yer back; don't sit 'unched up like you'd over-ate yourself. + Number Seven, don't throw yerself about in that drunken manner, + you'll miss the saddle altogether presently, coming + down—can't expect the 'orse to catch you <i>every + time</i>.</p> + + <p>"Number Three, don't flap yer helbows like an 'en; you ain't + laid an hegg, 'ave you?</p> + + <p>"'Ollow yer backs, 'eads up, 'eels down; four feet from nose + to croup.</p> + + <p>"Number One, keep yer feet back, you'll be kickin' that + mare's teeth out, you will.</p> + + <p>"Come down off 'is 'ead, Number Seven; this ain't a monkey + 'ouse.</p> + + <p>"Keep a light an' even feelin' of both reins, backs of the + 'ands foremost, four feet from nose to croup.</p> + + <p>"Leggo that mare's tail, Number Seven; you're goin', not + comin', and any'ow that mare likes to keep 'er tail to 'erself. + You've upset 'er now, the tears is fair streamin' down 'er + face—'ave a bit of feelin' for a pore dumb beast.</p> + + <p>"'Ollow yer backs, even pace, grip with the knees, shorten + yer reins, four feet from nose to croup. Number Eight, restrain + yerself, me lad, restrain yerself, you ain't shadow-sparrin', + you know.</p> + + <p>"You too, Number Nine; if you don't calm yer action a bit + you'll burst somethin'.</p> + + <p>"Now, remember, a light feelin' of + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> the right rein and pressure + of the left leg. Ride—wa-a-alk! Ri'—tur-r-rn! + 'Alt—'pare to s'mount—s'mount! Dismount, I said, + Number Five; that means get down. No, don't dismount on the + flat of yer back, me lad, it don't look nice. Try to + remember you're an horfficer and be more dignified.</p> + + <p>"Now listen to me while I enumerate the parts of a norse in + language so simple any bloomin' fool can understand. This'll be + useful to you, for if you ever 'ave a norse to deal with and he + loses one of 'is parts you'll know 'ow to indent for a new + one.</p> + + <p>"The 'orse 'as two ends, a fore-end—so called from its + tendency to go first, and an 'ind-end or rear rank. The 'orse + is provided with two legs at each end, which can be easily + distinguished, the fore legs being straight and the 'ind legs + 'avin' kinks in 'em.</p> + + <p>"As the 'orse does seventy-five per cent. of 'is dirty work + with 'is 'ind-legs it is advisable to keep clear of 'em, rail + 'em off or strap boxing-gloves on 'em. The legs of the 'orse is + very delicate and liable to crock up, so do not try to trim off + any unsightly knobs that may appear on them with a + hand-axe—a little of that 'as been known to spoil a norse + for good.</p> + + <p>"Next we come to the 'ead. On the south side of the 'ead we + discover the mouth. The 'orse's mouth was constructed for + mincing 'is victuals, also for 'is rider to 'ang on by. As the + 'orse does the other forty-five per cent. of 'is dirty work + with 'is mouth it is advisable to stand clear of that as well. + In fact, what with his mouth at one end and 'is 'ind-legs at + t'other, the middle of the 'orse is about the only safe spot, + and <i>that is why we place the saddle there</i>. Everything in + the Harmy is done with a reason, gentlemen.</p> + + <p>"And now, Number Ten, tell me what coloured 'orse you are + ridin'?</p> + + <p>"A chestnut? No 'e ain't no chestnut and never was, no, nor + a raspberry roan neither; 'e's a bay. 'Ow often must I tell you + that a chestnut 'orse is the colour of lager beer, a brown + 'orse the colour of draught ale, and a black 'orse the colour + of stout.</p> + + <p>"And now, gentlemen, stan' to yer 'orses, 'pare to + mount—mount!</p> + + <p>"There you go, Number Seven, up one side and down the other. + Try to stop in the saddle for a minute if only for the view. + You'll get yourself 'urted one of these days dashing about all + over the 'orse like that; and 'sposing you was to break your + neck, who'd get into trouble? <i>Me</i>, not you. 'Ave a bit of + consideration for other people, please.</p> + + <p>"Now mind the word. Ride—ri'—tur-r-rn. Walk + march. Tr-a-a-at. Helbows slightly brushing the + ribs—<i>your</i> ribs, not the 'orse's, Number Three.</p> + + <p>"Shorten yer reins, 'eels down, 'eads up, 'ollow yer backs, + four feet from nose to croup.</p> + + <p>"Get off that mare's neck, Number Seven, and try ridin' in + the saddle for a change; it'll be more comfortable for + everybody.</p> + + <p>"You oughter do cowboy stunts for the movin' pictures, + Number Six, you ought really. People would pay money to see you + ride a norse upside down like that. Got a strain of wild + Cossack blood in you, eh?</p> + + <p>"There you are, now you've been and fell off. Nice way to + repay me for all the patience an' learning I've given you!</p> + + <p>"What are you lyin' there for? Day-dreaming? I s'pose you're + goin' to tell me you're 'urted now?' Be writing 'ome to Mother + about it next: 'DEAR MA,—A mad mustang 'as trod on me + stummick. Please send me a gold stripe. Your loving child, + ALGY.'</p> + + <p>"Now mind the word. Ride—Can—ter!"</p> + + <p>He cracks his whip; the horses throw up their heads and + break into a canter; the cavaliers turn pea-green about the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" + id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> chops, let go the reins and + clutch saddle-pommels.</p> + + <p>The leading horse, a rakish chestnut, finding his head free + at last and being heartily fed-up with the whole business, + suddenly bolts out of the <i>manège</i> and legs it + across the meadow, <i>en route</i> for stables and tea. His + eleven mates stream in his wake, emptying saddles as they + go.</p> + + <p>The ten little <i>gamins</i> dance ecstatically upon the + bank, waving their shirts and shrilling "<i>À Berlin! + À Berlin!</i>"</p> + + <p>The ancient Gaul props himself up against the pie-bald cow + and shakes his ancient head. "<i>C'est la guerre</i>," he + croaks.</p> + + <p>The deserted Riding-Master damns his eyes and blesses his + soul for a few moments; then sighs resignedly, takes a + cigarette from his cap lining, lights it and waddles off + towards the village and his favourite <i>estaminet</i>.</p> + + <p>PATLANDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/72.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Motor Cyclist</i>. "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT AN + AEROPLANE COMING DOWN SOMEWHERE NEAR HERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Boy.</i> "NO, SIR. I'VE ONLY BEEN SHOOTIN' AT + SPARRERS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Some of these fish have already found their way to + Leeds, and, it must be added, have not met with a very + cordial reception. Although the fish may be bought at what + might be described as an attractive price, they do not + appear likely to move for some time."—<i>Yorkshire + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But if the hot weather continues—</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/73.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/73.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Convalescent Lieutenant</i>. "CHEERIO, MARTHA! I'VE + GOT ANOTHER PIP."</p> + + <p><i>Martha</i>. "LAWKS, SIR! I 'OPE IT WON'T MEAN MORE + VISITS TO THE 'OSPITAL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SENSES AND SENSIBILITY.</h2> + + <h3>I.</h3> + + <p><i>From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, + dramatic critic.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR VOYLE,—I am not one ordinarily to take any notice + of remarks that are overheard and reported to me; but there are + exceptions to every rule and I am making one now. I was told + this evening by a mutual friend and fellow-member that at the + Buskin Club, after lunch to-day, in the presence of a number of + men, you said that the trouble with me was that I had no sense + of humour.</p> + + <p>Considering my standing as a comedian, hitherto earning high + salaries and occupying the place I do solely by virtue of my + comic gifts (as the Press and Public unanimously agree), this + disparagement from a man wielding as much power as you do is + very damaging. Managers hearing of it as your honest opinion + might fight shy of me.</p> + + <p>I therefore ask you to withdraw the criticism with as much + publicity as it had when you defamed me by making it.</p> + + <p>Why you should have made it at all I can't imagine, for I + have often seen you laughing in your stall, and we have been + friends for many years.</p> + + <p>Believe me, yours sincerely but sorrowfully, FRED + GOLIGHTLY.</p> + + <p>II.</p> + + <p><i>From Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic, to Fred Golightly, + comedian.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR GOLIGHTLY,—You have been misinformed. I didn't + say you had no sense of humour; I said you had no sense of + honour.</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully, SINCLAIR VOYLE.</p> + + <p>III.</p> + + <p><i>From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, + dramatic critic.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR OLD CHAP,—You can't think how glad I am to have + your disclaimer. I disliked having to write to you as I did, + after so many years of good fellowship, but you must admit that + I had some provocation. It is a pretty serious thing for a man + in my position to be publicly singled out by a man in yours as + being without a sense of humour. However, your explanation puts + everything right, and all's well that ends well. Yours as ever, + FRED.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"PEACE CRANKS AND CROOKS."—<i>Evening + Standard</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The right hon. Member for Woolwich objects. He has nothing + whatever to do with Ramsayites.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" + id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span> + + <h2>JIMMY—KILLED IN ACTION.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Horses he loved, and laughter, and the sun,</p> + + <p class="i2">A song, wide spaces and the open air;</p> + + <p>The trust of all dumb living things he won,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never knew the luck too good to + share.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His were the simple heart and open hand,</p> + + <p class="i2">And honest faults he never strove to + hide;</p> + + <p>Problems of life he could not understand,</p> + + <p class="i2">But as a man would wish to die he + died.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, though he will not ride with us again,</p> + + <p class="i2">His merry spirit seems our comrade + yet,</p> + + <p>Freed from the power of weariness or pain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Forbidding us to mourn—or to + forget.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A LITERAL EPOCH.</h2> + + <p>That there rumpus i' the village laast Saturday night? Aye, + it were summat o' a rumpus, begad! Lor! there aren't bin + nothin' like it not since the time when they wuz a-gwain' to + burn th' ould parson's effigy thirty-fower year ago (but it + niver come off, because 'e up an' offered to contribute to the + expenses 'isself, an' that kind o' took the wind out on't).</p> + + <p>Ye see, Sir, there's just seven licensed 'ouses i' the + village. Disgraceful? Aye, so 'tis, begad!—on'y seven + licensed 'ouses—an' I do mind when 'twas pretty nigh one + man one pub, as the sayin' is. Howsomever, to-day there's + seven, and some goes to one and some goes to totherun.</p> + + <p>Well, laast Friday night me an' Tom Figgures an' Bertie Mayo + an' Peter Ledbetter an' a lot more on us what goes to Reuben + Izod's at The Bell, we come in to 'ave our drink. And, mind + you, pretty nigh all on us 'ad a-bin mouldin'-up taters all + day, so's to get <i>them</i> finished afore the hay; so us + could do wi' a drop. Aye, aye!</p> + + <p>Well, fust thing us knowed—no more'n a hour or two + after—Mrs. Izod was a-sayin' to old Peter Ledbetter, as + 'er set down a fresh pint for 'n, "That's the laast drop o' + beer i' the 'ouse," 'er says.</p> + + <p>"<i>Whaat</i>!" says Peter, though there warn't no call for + 'im to voice the gen'ral sentiments, 'coz you see, Sir, 'e'd + a-got the laast pint an' us 'adn't.</p> + + <p>"There's a nice drop o' cider, though," says Mrs. Izod. + "Leastways, when I says a nice drop, there's a matter o' + fifteen gallons, I dessay," 'er says.</p> + + <p>"I 'ave drunk cider at a pinch," says Bertie Mayo, + cautious-like, "and my ould father, I d' mind, 'e'd used to + drink it regular."</p> + + <p>"Ah, that 'a did!—an' mine too, and 'is father afore + 'un," says Tom Figgures; "but I reckon 'tisn't what 'twas in + them days."</p> + + <p>"Well, you may do as you'm a-minded 'bout 'avin' it," says + Mrs. Izod; "but no more ain't beer what 'twas neether, come to + that."</p> + + <p>"You'm right there, Missus," says all the rest on us.</p> + + <p>An' then Bertie Mayo, 'oo's allus a turr'ble far-seeing sort + of chap, 'e says, "Reckon the trolley 'ull be along fust thing + i' the marnin' from the brewery, Missus?" An' when Mrs. Izod + 'er says as 'er didn't know, but 'twas to be 'oped as 'twud, a + sort of a blight settled down on the lot on us, which I reckon + is a pretty fair way o' puttin' it, for a blight allus goes + 'and-in-'and wi' a drought.</p> + + <p>Well, either us finished that evenin' up on cider or us + finished the cider up that evenin'—there warn't much in + it one way or t'other. An' next day—this bit as I'm + a-tellin' you now us niver 'eard tell on till arterwards, but + I'm a-tellin' it <i>yeou</i> just as it 'appened—next + <i>daay</i> (that were Sat'rday, mind) there was a turr'ble + to-do in the arternoon, for there warn't nobbut limonade in the + house when them timber-haulin' chaps stopped to waater the + engin'. Well, you may reckon!...</p> + + <p>An' then, when us come 'ome from work, us found the door o' + The Bell shut an' locked, an' "Sold Out" wrote on a piece o' + cardboard i' the parlour winder by Reuben Izod's second child! + Begad, that was sommut if yeou like! Us stud there a-gyaupin' + an' a-gyaupin', till at last Peter Ledbetter give a kick at the + door and 'ollers out, "Whatten a gammit do 'ee call this 'ere, + Reuben Izod? 'Tis drink us waants, not tickets for the Cook'ry + Demonstration." (Turr'ble sarcastic 'e do be sometimes, Peter + Ledbetter).</p> + + <p>"I aren't got none," says Reuben from be'ind the door.</p> + + <p>"Well, cider, then," says Bertie Mayo.</p> + + <p>"Tall 'ee I aren't got narrun—beer, cider, nor + limonade—nary a drop. 'Tiddn' no manner o' good for you + chaps to stan' there. You'd best toddle along up to The Green + Dragon an' see if Mas'r Holtom've got any."</p> + + <p>Well, bein' as no one iver yet 'eard tell o' one publican + tellin' ye to go furder a-fild and get sarved by another + publican (savin' as 'twas a drunken man as 'e wanted to be shut + on), us was struck so dazed-like as us went along the road wi' + never a word. But us 'adn't got 'alfway theer afore us met + Johnnie Tarplett, Jim Peyton, and a lot more on 'em all comin' + along the road towards we.</p> + + <p>"Where be gwain'?" says Johnnie Tarplett.</p> + + <p>"Us be gwain' along to The Green Dragon to get a drop o' + drink," says Tom Figgures.</p> + + <p>"The Green Dragon's shut 'owever," says Johnnie Tarplett. + "Us was a-gwain' along—"</p> + + <p>"Aye, aye!" us sings out. "So's The Bell shut too!"</p> + + <p>Well, then us all took and went along to The Reaper, an' + <i>that</i> were shut, an' The Dovedale Arms (which is an + oncomfortably superior sort of a 'ouse, dealin' in sperrits) + was down to ginger-wine, an' The Crown and The Corner Cupboard + an' The Ploughman's Rest was all crowded out an' gettin' down + to the bottom o' the casks.</p> + + <p>An' then, when us took an' thowt as 'twould be 'ay-makin' + next week, an' dry weather all round, us stuud i' the road and + spak our thowts out.</p> + + <p>"Dom the KEYSER!" says Peter Ledbetter, to gie us a start + like.</p> + + <p>"Niver knowed sich a thing afore in all my born days," says + Bertie Mayo. "Niver knowed The Bell shut yet, not since 'twas + first opened six years afore th' ould QUEEN come to the + throne."</p> + + <p>"Reckon sich a thing niver 'appened afore i' the history o' + Dovedale parish," says Johnnie Tarplett.</p> + + <p>"Niver since WILL'UM CONQUEROR," says Jim Peyton.</p> + + <p>"Niver since NOAH 'isself," says Tom Figgures.</p> + + <p>"'Tis a nepoch, look you," says Peter Ledbetter. An' though + us didn' know what 'a meant no more'n 'a did 'isself, us were + inclined to agree wi 'm. Oh, 'tis a Greek word meanin' a + stoppage, is it? Well, if what you say be <i>trew</i>, Peter + Ledbetter was right 'owever, an' them Greeks is at the bottom + of all the trouble, as I said in The Bell five nights + ago—my son bein' at Salonika, as you do know, Sir.</p> + + <p>An' arter a bit us all went along home, all on us tryin' to + remember what us knowed about home-brewin'. An' if you + gentlefolks doan't get your washin' done praperly this wik 'tis + along o' the tubs bein' otherwise engaaged.</p> + + <p>W.B.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"By partial dissembling we are able to offer this + high-grade Car at a price within the reach of those + desiring the best."—<i>New Zealand Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At Ormskirk rejected army horses sold by auction + realised £30 to £60. The average was over + £30."—<i>Sunday Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We always like to have our sums done for us.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" + id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/75.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HOW TO UNBOOM OUR HOLIDAY RESORTS.</h3>[In view of the + official discouragement of railway-travelling something + should be done to eradicate from the minds of the public + any favourable impressions created by the posters of the + past.] + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" + id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/76.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/76.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER.</h3><i>Flapper</i>. + "OH, I'VE HEARD SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT + CAMOUFLAGE—MAKING MEN LOOK LIKE GUNS, AND GUNS LIKE + COWS, AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING. COULDN'T YOU DO SOME OF + YOUR TRICKS HERE?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE INCORRIGIBLES.</h2> + + <h3>HOW AN EXASPERATED ADJUTANT WOULD <i>LIKE</i> TO ADDRESS + THE NEW GUARD.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Guard! for I still concede to you the title,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though well I know that it is not your + due,</p> + + <p>Being devoid of everything most vital</p> + + <p class="i2">To the high charge which is imposed on + you;</p> + + <p>Listen awhile—and, Number Two, be dumb;</p> + + <p class="i2">Forbear to scratch the irritable + tress;</p> + + <p>No longer masticate the furtive gum;</p> + + <p>And, Private Pitt, stop nibbling at your thumb,</p> + + <p class="i2">And for a change attend to my + address.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Day after day I urge the old, old thesis—</p> + + <p class="i2">To reverence well the man of martial + note,</p> + + <p>Nor treat as mere sartorial caprices</p> + + <p class="i2">The mystic marks he carries on his + coat,</p> + + <p>And how to know what everybody is,</p> + + <p class="i2">The swords, the crowns, the + purple-stainéd cards,</p> + + <p>The Brigadiers concealed in Burberries,</p> + + <p>And render all those pomps and dignities</p> + + <p class="i2">Which are, of course, the <i>raison + d'être</i> of guards.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"With what avail? for never a guard is mounted</p> + + <p class="i2">That does not do some wild abhorrent + thing,</p> + + <p>Only in hushed low tones to be recounted,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lest haply hints of it should reach the + KING—</p> + + <p>Dark ugly tales of sentinels who drank,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or lost their prisoners while imbibing + tea,</p> + + <p>Or took great pains to make their minds a blank</p> + + <p>Whene'er approached by gentlemen of rank,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when reproved, presented arms to + me!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"There is no potentate in France or Flanders</p> + + <p class="i2">You will not heap with insult if you + can.</p> + + <p>For lo! a car. It is the Corps Commander's;</p> + + <p class="i2">The sentries take no notice of the + man,</p> + + <p>Or fix him with a not unkindly stare,</p> + + <p class="i2">And slap their butts in an engaging + way,</p> + + <p>Or else, too late, in penitent despair</p> + + <p>Cry, 'Guard, turn out!' and there is no guard + there,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they are in <i>The Blue + Estaminet</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Weary I am of worrying and warning;</p> + + <p class="i2">For all my toil I get it in the neck;</p> + + <p>I am fed up with it; and from this morning</p> + + <p class="i2">I shall not seek to keep your crimes in + check;</p> + + <p>Sin as you will—I shall but acquiesce;</p> + + <p class="i2">Sleep on, O sentinels—I shall not + curse;</p> + + <p>And so, maybe, from sheer contrariness</p> + + <p>Some day a guard may be a slight success;</p> + + <p class="i2">At any rate you cannot well do + worse."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>LIGHT ON THE SITUATION.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"FRONT OF CROWN PRINCE RUPPRECHT.—At night the + firing engagement slackened but little, and near Hellwerden + it again rose to very great intensity."—<i>Admiralty, + per Wireless Press, July 26th</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Readers who shared the doubt of <i>The Times</i> as to the + existence of "Hellwerden" (which doesn't appear in the maps) + will be interested to learn from one of our correspondents, who + knows it well, that it exists all right, but is only visible in + the very early morning. <i>The Times</i> of July 28th bears out + this statement.</p> + + <p>Our correspondent adds the information that "Hellwerden" is + sometimes spelt Morgendämmerung.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" + id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/77.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/77.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" + id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, July 23rd</i>.—The country awoke this + morning to find itself threatened with a first-class political + crisis and possibly a General Election to follow. Members + dwelling temporarily on the Western Front had reluctantly torn + themselves from their dug-outs on the receipt of a three-line + whip, and had repaired post-haste to Westminster.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/79-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/79-1.png" + alt="" /></a>PAPA MCKENNA LECTURES YOUNG BONAR ON + EXTRAVAGANCE.<br /> + EVEN WHEN SOWING HIS WILDEST OATS HE (PAPA) NEVER CAME + ANYWHERE NEAR SEVEN MILLION POUNDS PER DIEM. + </div> + + <p>The trouble was nominally about the agricultural labourer + and his minimum wage. Should it be twenty-five shillings, as + set down in the Corn Production Bill, or thirty shillings, as + proposed by Mr. WARDLE, the Leader of the Labour Party? The + Amendment had the assent of the hard-shell Free-Traders, who + were glad to snatch at any chance of defeating the proposed + bounty to the farmer. They had been further incensed by the + appointment of Messrs. MONTAGU and CHURCHILL to the Ministry, + and hoped perhaps that some of the extreme Tories would help + them to give the PRIME MINISTER a good hard knock.</p> + + <p>Mr. PROTHERO made it plain from the outset that the + Government meant to stand or fall by the proposal in the Bill; + and most of the friends of the agricultural labourer prudently + preferred twenty-five shillings in the hand to thirty shillings + in the bush; with the result that the amendment was defeated by + 301 to 102.</p> + + <p>Mr. HOGGE called attention to the anomalous position + occupied by Dr. ADDISON. The late Minister for Munitions and + future Minister for Reconstruction is for the moment only an + ordinary Member. Ought he not therefore to be re-elected before + taking up his new appointment? Mr. SPEAKER'S judicious reply, + "I do not appoint Ministers," left one wondering what sort of + an appearance the Treasury Bench would present if he did.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 24th</i>.—Major HUNT and Mr. KING, + though in some respects not unlike one another—each + combining a child-like belief in what they are told outside the + House with an invincible scepticism in regard to the + information they receive from Ministers inside—are rarely + found hunting in couples. But they made common cause to-day + over the alleged award of the Distinguished Service Order to + persons who had never been near the firing line, and they + refused to accept Mr. MACPHERSON'S assurance that it was only + given for service in the field. Mr. KING knew for a fact that a + gentleman in France who had only served in the Post-Office had + received it—presumably for not deserting his post; while + Major HUNT could not understand how anyone should have earned + it for fighting at home. "How has this country been attacked?" + he asked indignantly. Air-raids evidently do not count with + this gallant yeoman.</p> + + <p>Efficiency, not economy, is the PRIME MINISTER'S watchword. + Sir EDWARD CARSON as a Member of the War Cabinet will have no + portfolio, but will enjoy the not inadequate salary of five + thousand a year for what the Profession calls "a thinking + part." The new Minister of Reconstruction is to have two + thousand a year; and we shall no doubt hear shortly that he has + begun his labours by reconstructing another hotel for the + accommodation of his staff.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/79-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/79-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SECRET SERVICE IN THE HOUSE.</h3>MR. KING HAS + SUSPICIONS OF SOMETHING NEFARIOUS. + </div> + + <p>With the spirit of expansion pervading the Head of the + Government, it is not surprising that the expenditure of the + country continues to rise. The panting estimators of the + Treasury toil after it in vain. Mr. McKENNA's passionate plea + for a limit to our war-expenditure would have carried more + weight if he had shown any sign during his own time at the + Exchequer of being able to impose one. As it was, Mr. G.D. + FABER'S interjection, "Do you want to limit munitions?" quickly + reduced him to generalities. The House had to rest content with + Mr. BONAR LAW'S assurance that, though we could not go on for + ever, we could go on longer than our enemies.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, July 25th</i>.—In answer to Mr. + PEMBERTON-BILLING the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR stated that since + the outbreak of hostilities there had been forty-seven airship + raids and thirty "heavier than air" raids upon this country, + "making seventy-eight air-raids in all." It is believed that + the discrepancy is explained by Mr. BILLING'S unaccountable + omission on one occasion to make a speech.</p> + + <p>He made one to-night of prodigious length, which brought him + into personal collision with Major ARCHER-SHEE. Palace Yard was + the scene of the combat, which ended, as I understand, in + ARCHER downing PEMBERTON and BILLING sitting on SHEE. Then the + police arrived and swept up the hyphens.</p> + + <p>Opinions differ as to Mr. KING'S latest performance. Some + hold his complaint, that the Government had introduced + detectives into the precincts of the House, to have been + perfectly genuine, and point to his phrase, "I speak from + conviction," as a proof that he was trying to revenge himself + for personal inconvenience suffered at the hands of the minions + of the law. Others contend that he knew all the time the real + reason for their presence—the possibility that Sinn Fein + emissaries would greet Mr. GINNELL'S impending departure with a + display of fireworks from the Gallery.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, July 26th</i>.—Mr. GINNELL put in a + belated appearance this afternoon in order to make a dramatic + exit. But the performance lacked spontaneity. + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80" + id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span> Indeed honourable Members, + even while they laughed, were, I think, a little saddened by + the sight of this elderly gentleman's pathetic efforts to + play the martyr.</p> + + <p>Only twenty Members agreed with Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD in + believing, or affecting to believe, that the recent resolution + of the German Reichstag was the solemn pronouncement of a + sovereign people, and that it only requires the endorsement of + the British Government to produce an immediate and equitable + peace. Not much was left of this pleasant theory after Mr. + ASQUITH had dealt it a few of his sledge-hammer blows. "So far + as we know," he said, "the influence of the Reichstag, not only + upon the composition but upon the policy of the German + Government, remains what it has always been, a practically + negligible quantity."</p> + + <p>Any faint hopes that the pacificists may have cherished of a + favourable division were destroyed by Mr. SNOWDEN in a speech + whose character may be judged by the comment passed on it by + Mr. O'GRADY, just back from Russia, that "LENIN had preached + the same doctrine in Petrograd."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE REST CURE.</h3> + + <h4>TRIBUNALS PLEASE COPY.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is understood that the French Consul at Lourenco + Marques, M. Savoye, has, owing to ill-health, asked his + Government to allow him to return to Army + duties."—<i>Cape Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady —— set the fashion of arriving at the + altar with empty hands. She is the first bride to have had + such an important wedding without the etceteras of bouquet + or prayerbook, bridesmaids, pages, or + wedding-cake."—<i>News of the World</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Far too big a handful.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"150 YEARS AGO—JULY 20, 1767.</p> + + <p>Reports of the borough treasurer of West Ham show a loss + of £41,000 on the municipal tramways and a loss of + £35,000 on the electricity + undertaking."—<i>Northampton Daily Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>So the eighteenth century was not so much behind the present + time as we had been led to believe.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Piano wanted by a lady to teach little girl to + learn."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>One of those player-pianos with the new knuckle-rapping + attachment, we suppose.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/80.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/80.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>"mopping up" captured trench</i>). "IS + THERE ANYONE DOWN THERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Voice from dug out</i>. "JA! JA! KAMERAD!"</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "THEN COME OUT HERE AND FRATERNISE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MILITARY AIDES.</h2> + + <p>Last year, owing to the pressure of other engagements, we + did not mark out the tennis-lawn at "Sunnyside." This year the + matter has been taken out of our hands by the military + powers.</p> + + <p>Nevin was the first to think of it.</p> + + <p>"What about a game of tennis?" he suggested one bright + morning in May. "Keep us from going to seed."</p> + + <p>It was his second day of leave after three months in the + Ypres salient, so the change may have been too sudden for + him.</p> + + <p>"That's a toppin' notion," echoed Bob; "let's raid 'old + Beetle's' museum and dig out the posts."</p> + + <p>So Captain Richard Nevin, R.E., and Second-Lieutenant Robert + Simpson, R.G.A., took the affair into their own hands.</p> + + <p>Having seen the same forces cooperating on previous + occasions, I determined to keep clear of them. Besides, I am + only "old Beetle."</p> + + <p>They found the posts in the tool-shed, and, borne upon the + initial enthusiasm of their venture, began to sink a sort of + winze on each side of the lawn. Up to this point they were + perfectly amicable.</p> + + <p>Then Nevin, who is a thoughtful person, said suddenly, "I + suppose you made quite sure that the line of these posts will + cross the centre of the court?" And then, before Bob could + retort, added, "Of course you ought to have made absolutely + certain of that. As it is we had better leave this and find the + corner irons."</p> + + <p>Corner irons that have remained undisturbed for some + twenty-four months have a way of concealing themselves. At the + end of ten minutes the seekers began to show signs of + impatience. Such terms as "angles," "bases," "centres," + interspersed with "futilass," "sodamsure," "knowseverything" + were cast upon a hazardous breeze.</p> + + <p>Eventually they found one of the angles. To the ordinary + layman this would have meant the beginning of the end. But + Captain Richard Nevin and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson are + made of different stuff. They scorn the easy path. They have + stores of deep knowledge to draw upon which place their + calculations beyond the ken of ordinary mortals. After they had + made a searching examination of the exhumed angle, Bob pulled + out a pencil, prostrated himself behind it and then proceeded + to gaze ecstatically over the top.</p> + + <p>I moved my chair slightly south, and pretended to regard the + apple-blossom, and when Nevin went into the house and brought + out something which dimly resembled a ship's sextant I had the + extreme presence of mind not to make any inquiries.</p> + + <p>Margery drifted up with a pink duster.</p> + + <p>"What ever are they doing?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Hush!" I whispered; "Bob has just got the range of a supply + train on the far side of the rockery, and if Nevin (Nevin is + the Crown Prince of Wurtemberg) doesn't get the longitude of + Bob's battery in the next minute or so it's all up with his + day's rations."</p> + + <p>Suddenly Bob rose and made some calculations on an old + envelope.</p> + + <p>"That means three rounds battery fire," I said, "and the + Prince loses his lunch."</p> + + <p>Not satisfied with this success, Bob went indoors and looted + the hall of <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81" + id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span> three walking-sticks and + Margery's new sunshade.</p> + + <p>"What's he going to do now?" said Margery, with one eye on + the sunshade.</p> + + <p>He walked to the far end of the lawn and manoeuvred in a + small circle. "The water-jackets are boiling," I replied, "and + they've run out of cold water. He's divining with the sunshade. + Look!"</p> + + <p>Bob suddenly drove the sunshade into the ground. There was a + sharp crack and—well, he found another iron. Of course he + tried to explain to Margery that it was an absolute accident + and he only wanted to get a sighting post; but that was mere + self-effacement, and I said so.</p> + + <p>Things began to happen quickly after this, and if Private + James Thompson had not put in an unexpected appearance they + might have completed the job without any further difference of + opinion.</p> + + <p>In the merry days before war was thrust upon us, James + Thompson was an architect of distinction. Obviously an + architect of distinction can reduce the difficulty of laying + out a tennis-court to an elementary and puerile absurdity. For + half-an-hour the demonstration was carried on in the garden, + and, after Private Thompson had twice been threatened with + arrest for using insubordinate language to a superior, it was + decided to finish the discussion in my study, assisted by the + softening influence of the Tantalus.</p> + + <p>Not for a hundred pounds would I have ventured into the + study. I picked up <i>The Gardening Gazette</i> and engrossed + myself in an interesting piece of scandal about the slug + family.</p> + + <p>Suddenly Margery appeared at the double.</p> + + <p>"Do you know," I exclaimed excitedly, "it was the wireworm + after all."</p> + + <p>"Come on," Margery panted irrelevantly, "buck up and we can + finish it before they come out again."</p> + + <p>In her hand she held a tape-measure and an official diagram + of a tennis-court.</p> + + <p>Five minutes later the experts emerged from the house.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" exclaimed Nevin aggressively, "what have you been + up to?"</p> + + <p>"Oh," I replied, flicking over a page on weed-killers, + "Margery and I thought we had better find the remainder of the + tennis-court while you were having a rest. Margery's gone for a + ball of string, and if Bob fetches the marker you can mark the + court out now."</p> + + <p>Nevin's retort was addressed solely to Private James + Thompson, who had in an unfortunate moment given way to + laughter of an unmilitary character.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/81.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BOYCOTTING THE BARD.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Contributors are particularly requested not to send + verses. They are not wanted in any circumstances and cannot + be printed, acknowledged or returned."—<i>British + Weekly, July 19th</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I once believed the "Man of Kent"</p> + + <p class="i2">To be the Muses' firm supporter</p> + + <p>And only less benevolent</p> + + <p class="i2">To bards than Mr. C.K. SHORTER.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But this untimely cruel blow</p> + + <p class="i2">Has quite irrevocably shattered</p> + + <p>The hopes which till a week ago</p> + + <p class="i2">My fondest aspirations flattered.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wounds that are dealt us by our friends</p> + + <p class="i2">Are faithful, but the name endearing</p> + + <p>Of friend is hardly his who lends</p> + + <p class="i2">And then denies the bard a hearing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How then, O brother songsters, can</p> + + <p class="i2">You take it lying down, and meekly</p> + + <p>Submit to this tyrannic ban</p> + + <p class="i2">Laid on you by <i>The British + Weekly</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, no, you'll rather emulate</p> + + <p class="i2">The Minstrel Boy, and we shall find + you</p> + + <p>Storming its barred and bolted gate</p> + + <p class="i2">With reams of lyrics slung behind + you.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The time is ripe for the authorities to stop all street + traffic and to order all unauthorised persons to take cover + under penalty at the approach of the air + raiders."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Personally, as a means of shelter we prefer the coal-cellar + to any penalty.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will Mr. Russell deny that 660 million gallons of milk + were produced in Ireland last year, of which half went to + the creameries and more to the margarine factories and to + England?"—<i>Letter in Irish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The Irish gallon would appear to be as elastic as the Irish + mile.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82" + id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span> + + <h2>"DIVISIONAL SIGNS."</h2> + + <p>The purpose of a Divisional Sign is to deceive the enemy. + Let us suppose that you belong to the 580th Division, B.E.F. + You do not put "580" on your waggons and your limbers and on + the tin-hats of your Staff. Certainly not. The enemy would know + about you if you did that. You have a secret sign, such as + tramps chalk on your wall at home, to let other tramps know + that you are a stingy devil with a dog. There are many theories + as to how these signs are chosen. One is that a committee of + officers sits <i>in camerâ</i> for forty-eight hours + without food or drink till it has decided on an arrow or a cat, + or a dandelion, rampant.</p> + + <p>Let us take it that a cat is chosen—a quiet thing in + cats—crimson on a green-and-white chess-board background. + Forthwith (as adjutants say) a crimson cat on a green-and-white + chess-board background is painted and embroidered on everything + that can be painted and embroidered on—limbers and + waggons and hand-carts and arm-bands and the tin-hats of the + Staff. And the Division goes forth as it were masked, + disguised, just like one of Mr. LE QUEUX'S diplomatist heroes + at a fancy-dress ball, wearing a domino. You perceive the + mystery of it? None of your naked numbers for us B.E.F. men. + The Division marches through a village, and the dear old Man + Who Knows, cropping up again in the army, says, "Ha! A red cat + on a green-and-white chess-board back-ground? That's the + Seventeenth Division."</p> + + <p>You see it now? The enemy agent overhears. The false news is + sent crackling through the ether to Berlin (wireless, my dear, + in the cellar, of course). The German General Staff looks up + the village on a map, and sticks into it a flag marked 17. Not + 580, mark you. And the General Staff frowns, and Majesty pushes + the ends of its moustache into its eyes at the knowledge that + the Seventeenth Division is in ——.</p> + + <p>And all the time it is in ——! And the agent + pockets his cheque. So wars are won and lost.</p> + + <p>Just conceive the romance of it. It is heraldry gone + mad.</p> + + <p>Myself, however, I incline to another theory as to the + origin of these symbols.</p> + + <p>A Higher Command enters his office. Higher Commands always + enter. The office is hung, like a studio in one of Mr. GEORGE + MORROW'S pictures, with diagrams of circles and triangles and + crosses and straight lines. The Higher Command, being a man of + like passions with ourselves, has just finished tinned Oxford + marmalade and a cigarette. He heads for the "IN" basket on his + desk and takes from it the "Arrivals and Departures" paper. + "Ha!" says he to the lady secretary, "I see six new divisions + landed yesterday." He pauses. Outside there is no sound to be + heard save the loud and continuous crash of the sentry's hand + against his rifle as he salutes the passing A.D.C.'s. "What + about signs?" says the Higher Command. The lady secretary says + nothing. She floods the carburettor of the typewriter + preparatory to thumping out "Ref. attached correspondence" on + it.</p> + + <p>The Higher Command stares at the diagrams on the wall. He is + feeling strangely light-hearted this morning. He has won five + francs at bridge the night before from the D.A.D.M.O. A.D.G.S. + And mere circles and squares have somehow lost their savour for + him. He plunges. "What about a lion?" he says.</p> + + <p>The lady secretary opens the throttle and plays a few bars + on the "cap." key.</p> + + <p>"A red lion?" says the Higher Command seductively.</p> + + <p>"It has already been done," says the lady secretary + coldly.</p> + + <p>"Who by—I mean by whom?" inquires the H.C. + indignantly.</p> + + <p>"By the Deputy Assistant Director of Higher Commands, when + you were on leave last week," she tells him.</p> + + <p>He mutters a military oath against the D.A.D.H.C. Then his + face clears.</p> + + <p>"Tigers?" he suggests hopefully.</p> + + <p>"We might do a green tiger," she says reluctantly.</p> + + <p>"With yellow stripes!" shouts the H.C.</p> + + <p>"On a mauve background," says she, warming to it.</p> + + <p>And so one division is disposed of. But it is not always so, + of course.</p> + + <p>After a Hun counter-attack, for instance, the H.C. may gaze + morosely on his geometrical figures and throw off a little + thing in triangles and St. Andrew's crosses. Or when the moon + is at the full you may have a violet allotted to you as your + symbol. One never knows. My own divisional sign, for instance, + is an iddy-umpty plain on a field plainer. We vary the heraldry + by ringing changes on the colours. On our brigade arm-band it + becomes an iddy-umpty gules on a field azure. If I could be + quite sure of the heraldic slang for puce I would tell you what + it is on our Army Corps arm-band. On a waggon it used to be an + iddy-umpty blank on a field muddy. But administrative genius + has changed all that. A routine order, the other day, ordered a + pink border to be painted round it, and this first simple essay + of the departed Morse goes now through the villages of France + in a bed of roses.</p> + + <p>We wish sometimes that our conditions were changed as easily + as our signs.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/82.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/82.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Dugal.</i> "I DOOT, TAMMAS, THERE'S + SOME INFORMEESHUN THAT MAN LLOYD GEORGE HAS GOT THAT + WE HAVENA GOT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Lord Provost will preside over the meeting at which + Mr. Churchill will speak in Dundee this afternoon.</p> + + <p>Many thousands of people are leaving Dundee for their + annual holiday."—<i>Manchester Daily + Dispatch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Alderman Domoney, in remanding at the Guildhall + to-day two boys charged with theft, said he always liked to + deal leniently with boys so young and to give the ma fresh + start in life."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not a word about the pa, you observe; yet we daresay he was + equally responsible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From the Orders of a Battalion in France:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The undermentioned N.C.O.'s and men will parade at + 10.30 a.m., bringing with them their gas-helmets and the + unexpired portion of their rations."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is surmised that this refers to the cheese-issue.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83" + id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/83.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Basil</i>. "MUMMY, AREN'T WE EXCEEDING + THE SPEED RATION?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BULLINGTON.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was in the high midsummer and the sun was shining + strong,</p> + + <p>And the lane was rather flinty and the lane was + rather long,</p> + + <p>When, up and down the gentle hills beside the + stripling Test,</p> + + <p>I chanced to come to Bullington and stayed a while + to rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was drowned in peace and quiet, as the river + reeds were drowned</p> + + <p>In the water clear as crystal, flowing by with + scarce a sound;</p> + + <p>And the air was like a posy with the sweet haymaking + smells,</p> + + <p>And the Roses and Sweet-Williams and Canterbury + Bells.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far away as some strange planet seemed the old + world's dust and din,</p> + + <p>And the trout in sun-warmed shallows hardly seemed + to stir a fin,</p> + + <p>And there's never a clock to tell you how the + hurrying world goes on</p> + + <p>In the little ivied steeple down in drowsy + Bullington.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Small and sleepy there it nestled, seeming far from + hastening Time,</p> + + <p>As a teeny-tiny village in some quaint old nursery + rhyme,</p> + + <p>And a teeny-tiny river by a teeny-tiny weir</p> + + <p>Sang a teeny-tiny ditty that I stayed a while to + hear:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh the stream runs to the river and the river to + the sea;</p> + + <p>But the reedy banks of Bullington are good enough + for me;</p> + + <p>Oh the road runs to the highway and the highway o'er + the down,</p> + + <p>But it's just as good in Bullington as mighty London + town."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then high above an aeroplane in humming flight went + by,</p> + + <p>With the droning of its engines filling all the + cloudless sky;</p> + + <p>And like the booming of a knell across that perfect + day</p> + + <p>There came the guns' dull thunder from the ranges + far away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, while I lay and listened, oh the river's sleepy + tune</p> + + <p>Seemed to change its rippling music, like the + cuckoo's stave in June,</p> + + <p>And the cannon's distant thunder and the engines' + warlike drone</p> + + <p>Seemed to mingle with its burthen in a solemn + undertone:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh the stream runs to the river, and the river to + the sea,</p> + + <p>And there's war on land and water, and there's work + for you and me;</p> + + <p>And on many a field of glory there are gallant lives + laid down</p> + + <p>As well for sleepy Bullington as mighty London + Town."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I roused me from my daydream, for I knew the song + spoke true,</p> + + <p>That it isn't time for dreaming while there's duty + still to do;</p> + + <p>And I turned into the highroad where it meets the + flinty lane,</p> + + <p>And the world of wars and sorrows was about me once + again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84" + id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> + + <h2>REMEMBRANCE.</h2> + + <p>"Stop, Francesca," I cried. "Don't talk; don't budge; don't + blink. Give me time. I've all but—"</p> + + <p>"What <i>are</i> you up to?" she said.</p> + + <p>"There," I said, "you've done it. I had it on the tip of my + tongue, and now it has gone back for ever into the limbo of + forgotten things, and all because you couldn't keep silent for + the least little fraction of a second."</p> + + <p>"My poor dear," she said, "I <i>am</i> sorry. But why didn't + you tell me you were trying to remember something?"</p> + + <p>"That," I said, "would have been just as fatal to it. These + things are only remembered in an atmosphere of perfect silence. + The mental effort must have room to develop."</p> + + <p>"Don't tell me," she said tragically, "that I have checked + the development of a mental effort. That would be too + awful."</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "that's exactly what you <i>have</i> done, + that and nothing less. I feel just as if I'd tried to go + upstairs where there wasn't a step."</p> + + <p>"Or downstairs."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "it's equally painful and dislocating."</p> + + <p>"But you're not the only one," she said, "who's forgotten + things. I've done quite a lot in that line myself. I've + forgotten the measles and sugar and Lord RHONDDA and the Irish + trouble and your Aunt Matilda, and where I left my + <i>pince-nez</i> and what's become of the letters I received + this morning, and whom I promised to meet where and when to + talk over what. You needn't think you're the only forgetter in + the world. I can meet you on that and any other ground."</p> + + <p>"But," I said, "the thing you made me forget—"</p> + + <p>"I didn't."</p> + + <p>"You did."</p> + + <p>"No, for you hadn't remembered it."</p> + + <p>"Well, anyhow I shall put it on to you, and I want you to + realise that it's not like one of your trivialities—"</p> + + <p>"This man," said Francesca, "refers to his Aunt Matilda and + Lord RHONDDA as trivialities."</p> + + <p>"It is not," I continued inexorably, "like one of your + trivialities. It's a most important thing, and it begins with a + 'B.'"</p> + + <p>"Are you sure of that?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I'm sure it begins with a 'B'—or perhaps a 'W.' + Yes, I'm sure it's a 'W' now."</p> + + <p>"I'm going," said Francesca with enthusiasm, "to coax that + word or thing, or whatever it is, back to the tip of your + tongue and beyond it. So let's have all you know about it. + Firstly, then, it begins with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"Yes, it begins with a 'W,' and I feel it's got something to + do with Lord RHONDDA."</p> + + <p>"That doesn't help much. So far as I can see, everything now + is more or less nearly connected with Lord RHONDDA."</p> + + <p>"But my forgotten thing isn't bread or meat. It's something + remoter."</p> + + <p>"Is it Mr. KENNEDY-JONES?" said Francesca. "He's just + resigned, you know."</p> + + <p>"No, it's not Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. How could it be? Mr. + KENNEDY-JONES doesn't begin with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"If I were you, I shouldn't insist too much on that 'W.' I + should keep it in the background, for it's about ten to one + you'll find in the end that it doesn't begin with a 'W.' At any + rate we've made two short advances; we know it isn't Mr. + KENNEDY-JONES, because he doesn't begin with a 'W,' and we are + not very sure that it begins with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"Keep quiet," I said, flushing with anticipation. "I'm + getting it ... your last remark has put me on the track.... + Silence.... Ah ... it's <i>DEVONSHIRE CREAM!</i> + There—I've got it at last. I feel an overwhelming desire + for Devonshire cream."</p> + + <p>"The sort that begins with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"Well, it's got a 'V' in it, anyhow."</p> + + <p>"And it isn't Devonshire cream at all. It's really Cornish + cream—at least Mary Penruddock says it is."</p> + + <p>"Cornish or Devonshire, that's what I must have, if Lord + RHONDDA'S rules allow it."</p> + + <p>"All right, I'll get you a pot or two if I can. But are you + sure you won't forget it again?"</p> + + <p>"If I do," I said, "I can always remember it by the W.'"</p> + + <p>R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CHANGE CURE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The only way to make domestic service popular is for a + duchess to become a tweeny-maid."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It may be that a modern <i>Mene, Mene</i></p> + + <p>Will force the Duchess to become a tweeny;</p> + + <p>But, ere this democratic transformation</p> + + <p>Secures the "old nobility's" salvation,</p> + + <p>Some other changes are not less but more</p> + + <p>Needful to aid our progress in the War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For instance, with what rapture were we blest</p> + + <p>If Some-one gave his nimble tongue a rest</p> + + <p>And, turning Trappist, stanched the fearsome + gush</p> + + <p>Of egotistic and thrasonic slush;</p> + + <p>Or if Lord X. eschewed his daily speeches</p> + + <p>And took to canning Californian peaches;</p> + + <p>Or if egregious LYNCH could but abstain</p> + + <p>From "ruining along the illimitable inane"</p> + + <p>At Question-time, and try to render PLATO'S</p> + + <p><i>Republic</i> into Erse, or grow potatoes;</p> + + <p>Or if our novelists wrote cheerful books,</p> + + <p>Instead of joining those superfluous cooks</p> + + <p>Who spoil our daily journalistic broth</p> + + <p>By lashing it into a fiery froth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Counsels of sheer perfection, you will say,</p> + + <p>In times when ev'ry mad dog has his day,</p> + + <p>Yet none the less inviting as the theme</p> + + <p>Of a millennial visionary's dream.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And as for Duchesses turned tweeny-maids</p> + + <p>Or following other unobtrusive trades</p> + + <p>There's nothing very wonderful or new</p> + + <p>Or difficult to credit in the view;</p> + + <p>For DICKENS—whom I never fail to bless</p> + + <p>For solace in these days of storm and + stress—</p> + + <p>Found his best slavey in <i>The Marchioness</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Who invented the name "Sammies"?</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"They are 'Sammies' now, and the name probably will + stick along with 'Tommy,' 'poilu' and 'Fritz.' ... The + christening was one of those spontaneous affairs, coming + nobody knows how."—<i>Kansas City Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. Punch, ever reluctant to take credit to himself, feels + nevertheless bound to say that the suggestion of the name + "Sammies" for our American Allies appeared in his columns as + long ago as June 13th. On page 384 of that issue (after quoting + <i>The Daily News</i> as having said, "We shall want a name for + the American 'Tommies' when they come; but do not call them + 'Yankees'; they none of them like it") he wrote: "As a term of + distinction and endearment, Mr. Punch suggests + 'Sammies'—after their uncle."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"London.— —— House. Bed, breakfast + 4s., per week 24s. 6d. No other meals at present."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This should encourage the FOOD-CONTROLLER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" + id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/85.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Transport Officer</i>. "CONFOUND IT, + MAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T TEASE THE ANIMALS!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + + <p>HANSI, the Alsatian caricaturist and patriot, who escaped a + few months before the War, after being condemned by the German + courts to fifteen months' imprisonment for playing off an + innocent little joke on four German officers, and did his share + of fighting with the French in the early part of the War, is + the darling of the Boulevards. They adore his supreme skill in + thrusting the irritating lancet of his humour into bulging + excrescences on the flank of that monstrous pachyderm of + Europe, the German. <i>Professor Knatschke</i> (HODDER AND + STOUGHTON), aptly translated by Professor R.L. CREWE, is a + joyous rag. It purports to be the correspondence of a Hun + Professor, full of an egregious self-sufficiency and + humourlessness and greatly solicitous for the unhappy Alsatian + who is ignorant and misguided enough to prefer the Welsch + (<i>i.e.</i> foreign) "culture-swindle" to the glorious + paternal Kultur of the German occupation. And HANSI illustrates + his witty text with as witty and competent a pencil. HANSI has, + in effect, the full status of an Ally all by himself. He adds + out of the abundance of his heart a diary and novel by + <i>Knatschke's</i> daughter, <i>Elsa</i>, full of the artless + sentimentality of the German virgin. It is even better fun than + the Professor's part of the business. Naturally the full + flavour of both jokes must be missed by the outsider. HANSI is + the more effective in that he chuckles quietly, never guffaws + and never rails. Fun of the best.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is not much left for me to say in praise of Mr. JACK + LONDON'S dog-stories; and anyhow, if his name on the cover of + <i>Jerry of the Islands</i> (MILLS AND BOON) is not enough, no + persuasion of mine will induce you to read it. Those of us to + whom dogs are merely animals—just that—will find + this history of an Irish terrier dull enough; but others who + have in their time given their "heart to a dog to tear" will + recognise and joyously welcome Mr. LONDON'S sympathetic + understanding of his hero. <i>Jerry's</i> adventurous life as + here told was spent in the Solomon Islands, which is not, I + gather, the most civilized part of the globe. He had been + brought up to dislike niggers, and when he disliked anyone he + did not hesitate to show his feelings and his teeth. So it is + possible that for some tastes he left his marks a little too + frequently; but in the end he thoroughly justified his + inclination to indulge in what looked like unprovoked attacks + upon bare legs. For unless he had kept his teeth in by constant + practice he might never have contrived to save his beloved + master and mistress from a very cowardly and crafty attack. + Good dog, <i>Jerry</i>!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I admit that the fact of its publishers having branded + <i>The Road to Understanding</i> (CONSTABLE) as "A Pure Love + Story" did not increase the hopes with which I opened it. Let + me however hasten also to admit that half of it certainly + bettered expectation. That was the first half, in which + <i>Burke Denby</i>, the heir to (dollar) millions, romantically + defied his father and married his aunt's nursery governess, and + immediately started to live the reverse of happy-ever after. + All this, the contrast between ideals in a mansion and love in + a jerry-built villa, and the thousand ways in which <i>Mrs. + Denby</i> got upon her husband's nerves and generally blighted + his existence, are told with an excellently human and + sympathetic understanding, upon which I make my cordial + congratulations to Miss ELEANOR H. PORTER. But because the + book, however human, belongs, after all, to the category of + "Best Sellers" it appears to have been found needful to furbish + up this excellent matter with an incredible ending. That + <i>Mrs. Denby</i> should retire with her infant to Europe, in + order to educate herself to her + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" + id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> husband's level, I did not + mind. This thing has been done before now even in real life. + But that, on returning after the lapse of years, she should + introduce the now grown-up daughter, unrecognised, as + secretary to her father! "Somehow ... you remind me + strangely.... Tell me of your parents." "My daddy ... I + never knew him." Or words to that effect. It is all there, + spoiling a tale that deserved better.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The voracious novel-reader is apt to hold detective stories + in the same regard that the Scotchman is supposed to entertain + towards whisky—some are better than others, but there are + no really bad ones. <i>The Pointing Man</i> (HUTCHINSON) is + better than most, in the first place because it takes us "east + of Suez"—a pleasant change from the four-mile radius to + which the popular sleuths of fiction mostly confine their + activities; and, secondly, because it combines a maximum of + sinister mystery with a minimum of actual bloodshed; and, + lastly, because our credulity is not strained unduly either by + the superhuman ingenuity of the hunter or an excess of + diabolical cunning on the part of the quarry. Otherwise the + story possesses the usual features. There is the clever young + detective, in whose company we expectantly scour the bazaars + and alleys of Mangadone in search of a missing boy. There are + Chinamen and Burmese, opium dens and curio shops, temples and + go-downs. Miss MARJORIE DOUIE has more than a superficial + knowledge of her stage setting, and gets plenty of movement and + colour into it. And if she has elaborated the characters and + inter-play of her Anglo-Burmese colony to an extent that is not + justified either by their connection with the plot or the + necessity of mystifying the reader we must forgive her because + she does it very well—so well indeed that we may hope to + see <i>The Pointing Man</i>, excellent as it is in its way, + succeeded by a contribution to Anglo-Oriental literature that + will do ampler justice to Miss DOUIE'S unquestionable + gifts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Our writers appear willing converts to my own favourite + theory that the public is, like a child, best pleased to hear + the tales that it already knows by heart. The latest exponent + of this is the lady who prefers to be called only "The Author + of <i>An Odd Farmhouse</i>." Her new little book, <i>Your + Unprofitable Servant</i> (WESTALL), is a record of domestic + happenings and impressions during the early phases of the War. + The thing is skilfully done, and in the result carries you with + interest from page to page; though (as I hint) the history of + those August days, when Barbarism came forth to battle and + Civilisation regretfully unpacked its holiday suit-cases, can + hardly appeal now with the freshness of revelation. Still, the + writer brings undeniable gifts to her more than twice-told + tale. She has, for example, perception and a turn of phrase + very pleasant, as when she speaks of the shops in darkened + London conducting the last hour of business under lowered + awnings, "as if it were a liaison." There are many such + rewarding passages, some perhaps a little facile, but, taken + together, quite enough to make this unpretentious little volume + a very agreeable companion for the few moments of leisure which + are all that most of us can get in these strenuous days.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I enjoyed at a pleasant sitting the whole of Mr. FRANK + SWINNERTON'S <i>Nocturne</i> (SECKER). I don't quite know (and + I don't see how the author can quite know) whether his + portraits of pretty self-willed <i>Jenny</i> and plain + love-hungry <i>Emmy</i>, the daughters of the superannuated + iron-moulder, are true to life, but they are extraordinarily + plausible. Not a word or a mood or a move in the inter-play of + five characters in four hours of a single night, the two girls + and "<i>Pa</i>," and <i>Alf</i> and <i>Keith</i>, the sailor + and almost gentleman who was <i>Jenny's</i> lover, seemed to me + out of place. The little scene in the cabin of the yacht + between <i>Jenny</i> and <i>Keith</i> is a quite brilliant + study in selective realism. Take the trouble to look back on + the finished chapters and see how much Mr. SWINNERTON has told + you in how few strokes, and you will realise the fine and + precise artistry of this attractive volume. I can see the + lights, the silver and the red glow of the wine; and I follow + the flashes and pouts and tearful pride of <i>Jenny</i>, and + <i>Keith's</i> patient, embarrassed, masterful wooing as if I + had been shamefully eavesdropping.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Fool Divine</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) stands to some + extent in a position unique among novels in that its heroine is + also its villainess, or at least the wrecker of its hero. + <i>Nevile del Varna</i>, the lady in question, is indeed the + only female character in the tale, and has therefore naturally + to work double tides. What happened was that young + <i>Christopher</i>, a superman and hero, dedicate, as a + volunteer, to the unending warfare of science against the evil + goddess of the Tropics, yellow fever, met this more human + divinity when on his journey to the scene of action, and, like + a more celebrated predecessor, "turned aside to her." Then, + naturally enough, when <i>Nevile</i> has gotten him for her + husband and when love of her has caused him to abandon his + project of self-sacrifice, she repays him with scorn. And as + the unhappy <i>Christopher</i> already scorns himself the rest + of the book (till the final chapters) is a record of + deterioration more clever than exactly cheerful. The moral of + it all being, I suppose, that if you are wedded to an ideal you + should beware of taking to yourself a mortal wife, for that + means bigamy. Incidentally the book contains some wonderfully + impressive pictures of tropical life and of the general + beastliness of existence on a rubber plantation. At the end, as + I have indicated, regeneration comes for + <i>Christopher</i>—though I will not reveal just how this + happens. There is also a subsidiary interest in the + revolutionary affairs of Cuba, which the much-employed + <i>Nevile</i> appears to manage, as a local Joan of Arc, in her + spare moments; and altogether the book can be recommended as + one that will at least take you well away from the discomforts + of here and now.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/86.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/86.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TALE OF A GREAT OFFENSIVE.</h3>"'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'LL + GET A THICK EAR!' I SEZ, 'WHO?' 'E SEZ, 'YOU!' I SEZ, 'ME?' + 'E SEZ 'YUS!' I SEZ 'HO!'" + </div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12043 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/12043-h/images/67.png b/12043-h/images/67.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a4ae39 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/67.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/69.png b/12043-h/images/69.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2908022 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/69.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/71.png b/12043-h/images/71.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b807c0b --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/71.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/72.png b/12043-h/images/72.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..446eaad --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/72.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/73.png b/12043-h/images/73.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4936d20 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/73.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/75.png b/12043-h/images/75.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0bb71b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/75.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/76.png b/12043-h/images/76.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..69fc9b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/76.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/77.png b/12043-h/images/77.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d8d5c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/77.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/79-1.png b/12043-h/images/79-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..00c2185 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/79-1.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/79-2.png b/12043-h/images/79-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ea3318 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/79-2.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/80.png b/12043-h/images/80.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..47657c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/80.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/81.png b/12043-h/images/81.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a0968d --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/81.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/82.png b/12043-h/images/82.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e102706 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/82.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/83.png b/12043-h/images/83.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..44f4cb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/83.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/85.png b/12043-h/images/85.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..66de0c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/85.png diff --git a/12043-h/images/86.png b/12043-h/images/86.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5745ce0 --- /dev/null +++ b/12043-h/images/86.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b51378e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #12043 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12043) diff --git a/old/12043-8.txt b/old/12043-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..11139ff --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12043-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2240 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +August 1, 1917., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, August 1, 1917. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 15, 2004 [EBook #12043] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH VOL 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +August 1, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Imperial aspirations of KING FERDINAND are discussed by a +Frankfort paper in an article entitled "What Bulgaria wants." +Significantly enough the ground covered is almost identical with the +subject-matter of an unpublished article of our own, entitled "What +Bulgaria won't get." + + *** + +The cow which walked down sixteen stairs into a cellar at Willesden +is said to have been the victim of a false air-raid warning. + + *** + +"In Scotland," says Mr. BARNES'S report on Industrial Unrest, "the +subject of liquor restrictions was never mentioned." Some thoughts +are too poignant for utterance. + + *** + +According to the statement of a German paper "A Partial Crisis" +threatens Austria. One of these days we feel sure something really +serious will happen to that country. + + *** + +The Medical Officer of the L.C.C. estimates that in 1916 the total +water which flowed under London Bridge was 875,000,000,000 gallons. +It is not known yet what is to be done about it. + + *** + +The Army Council has forbidden the sale of raffia in the United +Kingdom. Personally we never eat the stuff. + + *** + +Nature Notes: A white sparrow has been seen in Huntingdon; a +well-defined solar halo has been observed in Hertfordshire, and Mr. +WINSTON CHURCHILL was noticed the other day reading _The Morning +Post_. + + *** + +A boy of eighteen told the Stratford magistrate that he had given +up his job because he only got twenty-five shillings a week. He will +however continue to give the War his moral support. + + *** + +The Austrian EMPEROR has told the representative of _The Cologne +Gazette_ that he "detests war." If not true this is certainly a +clever invention on KARL'S part. + + *** + +We feel that the public need not have been so peevish because the +experimental siren air-raid warning was not heard by everybody in +London. They seem to overlook the fact that full particulars of the +warning appeared next morning in the papers. + + *** + +A man who obtained two hundred-weight of sugar from a firm of +ship-brokers has been fined ten pounds at Glasgow. Some curiosity +exists as to the number of ships he had to purchase in order to secure +that amount of sugar. + + *** + +A London magistrate has held that tea and dinner concerts in +restaurants are subject to the entertainment tax. This decision will +come as a great shock to many people who have always regarded the +music as an anæsthetic. + + *** + +The no-tablecloths order has caused great perturbation among the +better-class hotel-keepers in Berlin. Does the Government, they ask +sarcastically, expect their class of patron to wipe their mouths on +their shirt-cuffs? + + *** + +The chairman of the House of Commons' Tribunal complains that while +cats drink milk as usual they no longer catch mice. This however may +easily be remedied if the FOOD-CONTROLLER will meet them halfway on +the question of dilution. + + *** + +The public has been warned by Scotland Yard against a man calling +himself Sid Smith. We wouldn't do it ourselves, of course, but we are +strongly opposed to the police interfering in what is after all purely +a matter of personal taste. + + *** + +The bones of ST. GEORGE have been discovered near Beersheba in +Palestine by members of our Expeditionary Force. This should dispel +the popular delusion which has always ascribed the last resting-place +of England's patron saint to the present site of the Mint. + + *** + +"War bread will keep for a week," stated Mr. CLYNES for the Ministry +of Food. Of course you can keep it longer if you are collecting +curios. + + *** + +It is announced that all salaries in the German Diplomatic Service +have been reduced. We always said that frightfulness didn't really +pay. + + *** + +German women have been asked to place their hair at the disposal of +the authorities. If they do not care to sacrifice their own hair +they can just send along the handful or two which they collect in +the course of waiting in the butter queue. + + *** + +_Hamlet_ has been rendered by amateur actors at the Front, all scenery +being dispensed with. If you must dispense with one or the other, why +not leave out the acting? + + *** + +"To assist in the breaking-up of grass-land," we are told, "the Board +of Agriculture proposes to allocate a number of horses to agricultural +counties." The idea of allocating some of our incurable golfers +to this purpose does not appear to have suggested itself to our +slow-witted authorities. + + *** + +"I have resigned because there is no further need for my services," +said Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. Several politicians are of the opinion that +this was not a valid reason. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First ex-Knut_. "WOULDN'T CARE TO BE IN BLIGHTY NOW, +REG., WHEN IT'S ROTTEN FORM TO GO IN FOR FANCY TEAS AND THAT--WHAT?" + +_Second ex-Knut_. "HONK!"] + + * * * * * + +AN EXPANSIVE SMILE. + + "SIX HUNDRED SQUARE MILES. BRITISH GAINS SINCE LAST + YEAR."--_The Statesman_ (_India_). + + * * * * * + +The _Berlin Tageblatt_ says that HERR MIHAELIS in the critical +passages measured his words "as carefully as if they were meat +rations." A wise precaution, in view of the likelihood that he +would have to eat them. + + * * * * * + +From a Cinema advertisement:-- + + "KEEPS YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS THROUGHOUT THE FIVE ACTS + OF A STORY THAT UNFOLDS ITSELF MIDST THE ROMANTIC PURLOINS OF + ITALY AND ENGLAND."--_Austrian Paper_. + +We gather that the scene is laid in the thieves' quarter. + + * * * * * + +TO WILLIAM AT THE BACK OF THE GALICIAN FRONT. + + Once more you follow in Bellona's train, + (Her train de luxe) in search of cheap réclame; + Once more you flaunt your rearward oriflamme, + A valiant eagle nosing out the slain. + + Not to the West, where RUPPRECHT stands at bay, + Hard pushed with hounds of England at his throat, + And WILLIE'S chance grows more and more remote + Of breaking hearts along The Ladies' Way; + + But to the East you go, for easier game, + Where traitors to their faith desert the fight, + And better men than yours are swept in flight + By coward Anarchy that sells her shame. + + For here, by favour of your new allies, + You'll see recovered all you lost of late, + When, tried in open combat, fair and straight, + Your Huns were flattened out like swatted flies. + + Well, make the most of this so timely boom, + For Russia yet may cut the cancer out-- + Her heart is big enough--and turn about + Clean-limbed and strong and terrible as doom. + + But, though she fail us in the final test, + Not there, not there, my child, the end shall be, + But where, without your option, France and we + Have made our own arrangements further West. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +DUSTBIN. + +He dropped in to tea, quite casually; forced an entry through the mud +wall of our barn, in fact. No, he wouldn't sit down--expected to be +leaving in a few minutes; but he didn't mind if he did have a sardine, +and helped himself to the tinful. Yes, a bit of bully, thanks, +wouldn't be amiss; and a nice piece of coal; cockchafers very good too +when, as now, in season; and, for savoury, a little nibble with a yard +of tarred string and an empty cardboard cigarette-box. Thank you very +much. + +"Why, the little brute's a perfect dustbin," said my mate; and +"Dustbin" the puppy was throughout his stay with us. + +For six weeks did Dustbin--attached for rations and +discipline--accompany us on our sanitary rounds; set us a fine example +of indifference to shell fire, even to the extent of attempting +to catch spent shrapnel as it fell; and proved the wettest of wet +blankets to the "socials" of the local rats. Then, as happens with +sanitary inspectors in France, there arrived late one afternoon +a despatch requesting the pleasure of my society--in five hours' +time--at a village some twenty kilos distant as the shell flies. I +found I should have fifteen minutes in which to pack, four hours for +my journey, and forty-five minutes between the packing and the start +in which to find a home for Dustbin. + +"Take the little dorg off you?" said a Sergeant acquaintance in the +D.A.C. "I couldn't, Corp'l. Why, I don't even know how I'm goin' to +take the foal yonder"--he glared reproachfully at a placid Clydesdale +mare and her tottering one-day-old; "and 'ow I'm goin' to take my posh +breeches--" + +I left him hovering despondently over his equipment and a pile of +dirty linen. + +We tried the M.G.C. We were on the best of terms and always had been; +they said so. They apologised in advance for the insanitary conditions +I might find; inquired after my health; offered me some coffee and +generally loved me; but they couldn't love my dog. The Cook even went +so far as openly to associate my guileless puppy with a shortage of +dried herrings in the sergeants' mess. + +Passing through the E.A.M.C. transport lines I rescued Dustbin from +a hulking native mongrel wearing an identity disc. I judged the +Ambulance would not be wanting another dog; but there was still hope +with the Salvage Company. + +The Salvagier whom I met upon the threshold of the "billet" (half a +limber load of bricks and an angle iron) was quite sure the Salvage +Company couldn't take a dog, as they had an infant wild boar and two +fox cubs numbering on their strength; but he thought that he could +plant my prodigy with a friend of his, a bombardier in the E.G.A., +the only other unit within easy distance. We headed for the E.G.A. + +It was just at this point that there occurred one of those little +incidents so dear to the comic draughtsman, but less popular with +"us." A moaning howl, a rushing hissing sound, a moment of tense +and awful silence, a devastating crash, and the E.G.A. officers' +bath-house, "erected at enormous trouble and expense" by a handful of +T.U. men and myself the day before, soared heavenwards with an acre +or two of the surrounding scenery. "Yes," said the Salvage gentleman +as he regained his perpendicular, "as I was sayin', 'is size is in +'is favour (you'd better git down ag'in, Corp'l)--'is size is in 'is +favour; 'e'll go in a dixie easy, or even in a--(there's another bit +orf the church)--even in a tin 'at, if you fold 'im up, but I'm 'fraid +the 'eads ain't much in favour of a dog. Leastways the ole man I +know was a member of the Cat Club--took a lot o' prizes at the Crys'l +Pala..." + +"I think we'd better run this little bit, Corp'l," my guide said +suddenly. It was advisable. A sprint along some two hundred yards +of what had once been a road, with a stone wall (like a slab of +_gruyère_ now, alas) upon our right, and we should once more have the +comfortable feeling one always enjoys in a "hot" village when there +are houses upon either hand. A trolley load of rations held the middle +of the road; the ration party was, I believe, in the ditch upon the +left; and a strangled voice exclaimed after each burst, "Oh crummy! I +do 'ope they don't 'it the onions." + +We gave our forty-seventh impersonation of a pair of starfish, and +then legged it for the apparent shelter of the houses. At least I +did; the salvage man, less squeamish, found a haven in an adjacent +cookhouse grease-trap and dust-shoot. I listened intently, but it was +only the falling of spent shrapnel, not the patter of Dustbin's baby +but quite enormous feet. A stove-pipe belching smoke and savoury fumes +protruded itself through the pavement on my right. Through the chinks +in the gaping slabs there came the ruddy flicker that bespoke a "home +from home" beneath my feet; and then, still listening for signs of +Dustbin, I heard-- + +"Didn't I tell you, Erb, to stop up that extra ventilation 'ole with +somethin'?--and now look wot's blown in. 'Ere, steady on, ole man; +that's got to last four men for three days." + +"Well, I'm ----," chimed in another voice, "if the bloomin' tin ain't +empty. Why, I only just opened it--that's a 'ole Maconochie 'e's got +inside 'im, not countin' wot you've just.... Poor little beggar must +be starvin'. You're welcome to stop and share our grub, young feller, +but I've got to go on p'rade wiv that--that's a belt, that is...." + +I turned towards the dimly lighted road that led to ---- [Censored]. +Dustbin had found a home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FATEFUL SESSION. + +SITTING HEN. "GO AWAY! DON'T HURRY ME!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Inquiring Lady_ (_ninety-ninth question_). "AND WHAT +ARE YOU IN THE NAVY, MAY I ASK?" + +_Tar_. "I'M A FLAG-WAGGER, MARM--YES." + +_Inquiring Lady_. "OH, REALLY! AND WHAT DO YOU WAG FLAGS FOR?" + +_Tar_ (_in a ring-off voice_). "MAKIN' READY FOR THE PEACE +CELEBRATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUDLARKS. + +The scene is a School of Instruction at the back of the Western Front +set in a valley of green meadows bordered by files of plumy poplars +and threaded through by a silver ribbon of water. + +On the lazy afternoon breeze come the concerted yells of a bayonet +class, practising frightfulness further down the valley; also the +staccato chatter of Lewis guns punching holes in the near hill-side. + +In the centre of one meadow is a turf _manège_. In the centre of the +_manège_ stands the villain of the piece, the Riding-Master. + +He wears a crown on his sleeve, tight breeches, jack-boots, vicious +spurs and sable moustachios. His right hand toys with a long, long +whip, his left with his sable moustachios. He looks like DIAVOLO, the +lion-tamer, about to put his man-eating chums through hoops of fire. + +His victims, a dozen Infantry officers, circle slowly round the +_manège_. They are mounted on disillusioned cavalry horses who came +out with WELLINGTON and know a thing or two. Now and again they wink +at the Riding-Master and he winks back at them. + +The audience consists of an ancient Gaul in picturesque blue pants, +whose _métier_ is to totter round the meadows brushing flies off a +piebald cow; the School Padre, who keeps at long range so that he may +see the sport without hearing the language, and ten little _gamins_, +who have been splashing in the silver stream and are now sitting +drying on the bank like ten little toads. + +They come every afternoon, for never have they seen such fun, never +since the great days before the War when the circus with the boxing +kangaroo and the educated porks came to town. + +Suddenly the Riding-Master clears his throat. At the sound thereof the +horses cock their ears and their riders grab handfuls of leather and +hair. + +_R.-M._ "Now, gentlemen, mind the word. Gently away tra-a-a-at." +The horses break into a slow jog-trot and the cavaliers into a cold +perspiration. The ten little _gamins_ cheer delightedly. + +_R.-M._ "Sit down, sit up, 'ollow yer backs, keep the hands down +backs foremost, even pace. Number Two, Sir, 'ollow yer back; don't +sit 'unched up like you'd over-ate yourself. Number Seven, don't +throw yerself about in that drunken manner, you'll miss the saddle +altogether presently, coming down--can't expect the 'orse to catch +you _every time_. + +"Number Three, don't flap yer helbows like an 'en; you ain't laid an +hegg, 'ave you? + +"'Ollow yer backs, 'eads up, 'eels down; four feet from nose to croup. + +"Number One, keep yer feet back, you'll be kickin' that mare's teeth +out, you will. + +"Come down off 'is 'ead, Number Seven; this ain't a monkey 'ouse. + +"Keep a light an' even feelin' of both reins, backs of the 'ands +foremost, four feet from nose to croup. + +"Leggo that mare's tail, Number Seven; you're goin', not comin', and +any'ow that mare likes to keep 'er tail to 'erself. You've upset 'er +now, the tears is fair streamin' down 'er face--'ave a bit of feelin' +for a pore dumb beast. + +"'Ollow yer backs, even pace, grip with the knees, shorten yer reins, +four feet from nose to croup. Number Eight, restrain yerself, me lad, +restrain yerself, you ain't shadow-sparrin', you know. + +"You too, Number Nine; if you don't calm yer action a bit you'll burst +somethin'. + +"Now, remember, a light feelin' of the right rein and pressure +of the left leg. Ride--wa-a-alk! Ri'--tur-r-rn! 'Alt--'pare to +s'mount--s'mount! Dismount, I said, Number Five; that means get down. +No, don't dismount on the flat of yer back, me lad, it don't look +nice. Try to remember you're an horfficer and be more dignified. + +"Now listen to me while I enumerate the parts of a norse in language +so simple any bloomin' fool can understand. This'll be useful to you, +for if you ever 'ave a norse to deal with and he loses one of 'is +parts you'll know 'ow to indent for a new one. + +"The 'orse 'as two ends, a fore-end--so called from its tendency to +go first, and an 'ind-end or rear rank. The 'orse is provided with +two legs at each end, which can be easily distinguished, the fore legs +being straight and the 'ind legs 'avin' kinks in 'em. + +"As the 'orse does seventy-five per cent. of 'is dirty work with 'is +'ind-legs it is advisable to keep clear of 'em, rail 'em off or strap +boxing-gloves on 'em. The legs of the 'orse is very delicate and +liable to crock up, so do not try to trim off any unsightly knobs that +may appear on them with a hand-axe--a little of that 'as been known to +spoil a norse for good. + +"Next we come to the 'ead. On the south side of the 'ead we discover +the mouth. The 'orse's mouth was constructed for mincing 'is victuals, +also for 'is rider to 'ang on by. As the 'orse does the other +forty-five per cent. of 'is dirty work with 'is mouth it is advisable +to stand clear of that as well. In fact, what with his mouth at one +end and 'is 'ind-legs at t'other, the middle of the 'orse is about +the only safe spot, and _that is why we place the saddle there_. +Everything in the Harmy is done with a reason, gentlemen. + +"And now, Number Ten, tell me what coloured 'orse you are ridin'? + +"A chestnut? No 'e ain't no chestnut and never was, no, nor a +raspberry roan neither; 'e's a bay. 'Ow often must I tell you that +a chestnut 'orse is the colour of lager beer, a brown 'orse the +colour of draught ale, and a black 'orse the colour of stout. + +"And now, gentlemen, stan' to yer 'orses, 'pare to mount--mount! + +"There you go, Number Seven, up one side and down the other. Try +to stop in the saddle for a minute if only for the view. You'll get +yourself 'urted one of these days dashing about all over the 'orse +like that; and 'sposing you was to break your neck, who'd get into +trouble? _Me_, not you. 'Ave a bit of consideration for other people, +please. + +"Now mind the word. Ride--ri'--tur-r-rn. Walk march. Tr-a-a-at. +Helbows slightly brushing the ribs--_your_ ribs, not the 'orse's, +Number Three. + +"Shorten yer reins, 'eels down, 'eads up, 'ollow yer backs, four feet +from nose to croup. + +"Get off that mare's neck, Number Seven, and try ridin' in the saddle +for a change; it'll be more comfortable for everybody. + +"You oughter do cowboy stunts for the movin' pictures, Number Six, you +ought really. People would pay money to see you ride a norse upside +down like that. Got a strain of wild Cossack blood in you, eh? + +"There you are, now you've been and fell off. Nice way to repay me for +all the patience an' learning I've given you! + +"What are you lyin' there for? Day-dreaming? I s'pose you're goin' to +tell me you're 'urted now?' Be writing 'ome to Mother about it next: +'DEAR MA,--A mad mustang 'as trod on me stummick. Please send me a +gold stripe. Your loving child, ALGY.' + +"Now mind the word. Ride--Can--ter!" + +He cracks his whip; the horses throw up their heads and break into a +canter; the cavaliers turn pea-green about the chops, let go the reins +and clutch saddle-pommels. + +The leading horse, a rakish chestnut, finding his head free at last +and being heartily fed-up with the whole business, suddenly bolts out +of the _manège_ and legs it across the meadow, _en route_ for stables +and tea. His eleven mates stream in his wake, emptying saddles as they +go. + +The ten little _gamins_ dance ecstatically upon the bank, waving their +shirts and shrilling "_À Berlin! À Berlin!_" + +The ancient Gaul props himself up against the pie-bald cow and shakes +his ancient head. "_C'est la guerre_," he croaks. + +The deserted Riding-Master damns his eyes and blesses his soul for +a few moments; then sighs resignedly, takes a cigarette from his +cap lining, lights it and waddles off towards the village and his +favourite _estaminet_. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Cyclist_. "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT AN +AEROPLANE COMING DOWN SOMEWHERE NEAR HERE?" + +_Boy._ "NO, SIR. I'VE ONLY BEEN SHOOTIN' AT SPARRERS."] + + * * * * * + + "Some of these fish have already found their way to Leeds, + and, it must be added, have not met with a very cordial + reception. Although the fish may be bought at what might be + described as an attractive price, they do not appear likely + to move for some time."--_Yorkshire Paper_. + +But if the hot weather continues-- + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Convalescent Lieutenant_. "CHEERIO, MARTHA! I'VE GOT +ANOTHER PIP." + +_Martha_. "LAWKS, SIR! I 'OPE IT WON'T MEAN MORE VISITS TO THE +'OSPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +SENSES AND SENSIBILITY. + +I. + +_From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic._ + +DEAR VOYLE,--I am not one ordinarily to take any notice of remarks +that are overheard and reported to me; but there are exceptions to +every rule and I am making one now. I was told this evening by a +mutual friend and fellow-member that at the Buskin Club, after lunch +to-day, in the presence of a number of men, you said that the trouble +with me was that I had no sense of humour. + +Considering my standing as a comedian, hitherto earning high salaries +and occupying the place I do solely by virtue of my comic gifts (as +the Press and Public unanimously agree), this disparagement from a man +wielding as much power as you do is very damaging. Managers hearing of +it as your honest opinion might fight shy of me. + +I therefore ask you to withdraw the criticism with as much publicity +as it had when you defamed me by making it. + +Why you should have made it at all I can't imagine, for I have often +seen you laughing in your stall, and we have been friends for many +years. + +Believe me, yours sincerely but sorrowfully, FRED GOLIGHTLY. + +II. + +_From Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic, to Fred Golightly, comedian._ + +DEAR GOLIGHTLY,--You have been misinformed. I didn't say you had no +sense of humour; I said you had no sense of honour. + +Yours faithfully, SINCLAIR VOYLE. + +III. + +_From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic._ + +DEAR OLD CHAP,--You can't think how glad I am to have your disclaimer. +I disliked having to write to you as I did, after so many years of +good fellowship, but you must admit that I had some provocation. It is +a pretty serious thing for a man in my position to be publicly singled +out by a man in yours as being without a sense of humour. However, +your explanation puts everything right, and all's well that ends well. +Yours as ever, FRED. + + * * * * * + + "PEACE CRANKS AND CROOKS."--_Evening Standard_. + +The right hon. Member for Woolwich objects. He has nothing whatever to +do with Ramsayites. + + * * * * * + +JIMMY--KILLED IN ACTION. + + Horses he loved, and laughter, and the sun, + A song, wide spaces and the open air; + The trust of all dumb living things he won, + And never knew the luck too good to share. + + His were the simple heart and open hand, + And honest faults he never strove to hide; + Problems of life he could not understand, + But as a man would wish to die he died. + + Now, though he will not ride with us again, + His merry spirit seems our comrade yet, + Freed from the power of weariness or pain, + Forbidding us to mourn--or to forget. + + * * * * * + +A LITERAL EPOCH. + +That there rumpus i' the village laast Saturday night? Aye, it were +summat o' a rumpus, begad! Lor! there aren't bin nothin' like it +not since the time when they wuz a-gwain' to burn th' ould parson's +effigy thirty-fower year ago (but it niver come off, because 'e up an' +offered to contribute to the expenses 'isself, an' that kind o' took +the wind out on't). + +Ye see, Sir, there's just seven licensed 'ouses i' the village. +Disgraceful? Aye, so 'tis, begad!--on'y seven licensed 'ouses--an' +I do mind when 'twas pretty nigh one man one pub, as the sayin' is. +Howsomever, to-day there's seven, and some goes to one and some goes +to totherun. + +Well, laast Friday night me an' Tom Figgures an' Bertie Mayo an' Peter +Ledbetter an' a lot more on us what goes to Reuben Izod's at The Bell, +we come in to 'ave our drink. And, mind you, pretty nigh all on us 'ad +a-bin mouldin'-up taters all day, so's to get _them_ finished afore +the hay; so us could do wi' a drop. Aye, aye! + +Well, fust thing us knowed--no more'n a hour or two after--Mrs. Izod +was a-sayin' to old Peter Ledbetter, as 'er set down a fresh pint for +'n, "That's the laast drop o' beer i' the 'ouse," 'er says. + +"_Whaat_!" says Peter, though there warn't no call for 'im to voice +the gen'ral sentiments, 'coz you see, Sir, 'e'd a-got the laast pint +an' us 'adn't. + +"There's a nice drop o' cider, though," says Mrs. Izod. "Leastways, +when I says a nice drop, there's a matter o' fifteen gallons, I +dessay," 'er says. + +"I 'ave drunk cider at a pinch," says Bertie Mayo, cautious-like, "and +my ould father, I d' mind, 'e'd used to drink it regular." + +"Ah, that 'a did!--an' mine too, and 'is father afore 'un," says Tom +Figgures; "but I reckon 'tisn't what 'twas in them days." + +"Well, you may do as you'm a-minded 'bout 'avin' it," says Mrs. Izod; +"but no more ain't beer what 'twas neether, come to that." + +"You'm right there, Missus," says all the rest on us. + +An' then Bertie Mayo, 'oo's allus a turr'ble far-seeing sort of chap, +'e says, "Reckon the trolley 'ull be along fust thing i' the marnin' +from the brewery, Missus?" An' when Mrs. Izod 'er says as 'er didn't +know, but 'twas to be 'oped as 'twud, a sort of a blight settled down +on the lot on us, which I reckon is a pretty fair way o' puttin' it, +for a blight allus goes 'and-in-'and wi' a drought. + +Well, either us finished that evenin' up on cider or us finished the +cider up that evenin'--there warn't much in it one way or t'other. +An' next day--this bit as I'm a-tellin' you now us niver 'eard tell on +till arterwards, but I'm a-tellin' it _yeou_ just as it 'appened--next +_daay_ (that were Sat'rday, mind) there was a turr'ble to-do in the +arternoon, for there warn't nobbut limonade in the house when them +timber-haulin' chaps stopped to waater the engin'. Well, you may +reckon!... + +An' then, when us come 'ome from work, us found the door o' The Bell +shut an' locked, an' "Sold Out" wrote on a piece o' cardboard i' the +parlour winder by Reuben Izod's second child! Begad, that was sommut +if yeou like! Us stud there a-gyaupin' an' a-gyaupin', till at last +Peter Ledbetter give a kick at the door and 'ollers out, "Whatten a +gammit do 'ee call this 'ere, Reuben Izod? 'Tis drink us waants, not +tickets for the Cook'ry Demonstration." (Turr'ble sarcastic 'e do be +sometimes, Peter Ledbetter). + +"I aren't got none," says Reuben from be'ind the door. + +"Well, cider, then," says Bertie Mayo. + +"Tall 'ee I aren't got narrun--beer, cider, nor limonade--nary a drop. +'Tiddn' no manner o' good for you chaps to stan' there. You'd best +toddle along up to The Green Dragon an' see if Mas'r Holtom've got +any." + +Well, bein' as no one iver yet 'eard tell o' one publican tellin' +ye to go furder a-fild and get sarved by another publican (savin' +as 'twas a drunken man as 'e wanted to be shut on), us was struck so +dazed-like as us went along the road wi' never a word. But us 'adn't +got 'alfway theer afore us met Johnnie Tarplett, Jim Peyton, and a +lot more on 'em all comin' along the road towards we. + +"Where be gwain'?" says Johnnie Tarplett. + +"Us be gwain' along to The Green Dragon to get a drop o' drink," says +Tom Figgures. + +"The Green Dragon's shut 'owever," says Johnnie Tarplett. "Us was +a-gwain' along--" + +"Aye, aye!" us sings out. "So's The Bell shut too!" + +Well, then us all took and went along to The Reaper, an' _that_ were +shut, an' The Dovedale Arms (which is an oncomfortably superior sort +of a 'ouse, dealin' in sperrits) was down to ginger-wine, an' The +Crown and The Corner Cupboard an' The Ploughman's Rest was all crowded +out an' gettin' down to the bottom o' the casks. + +An' then, when us took an' thowt as 'twould be 'ay-makin' next week, +an' dry weather all round, us stuud i' the road and spak our thowts +out. + +"Dom the KEYSER!" says Peter Ledbetter, to gie us a start like. + +"Niver knowed sich a thing afore in all my born days," says Bertie +Mayo. "Niver knowed The Bell shut yet, not since 'twas first opened +six years afore th' ould QUEEN come to the throne." + +"Reckon sich a thing niver 'appened afore i' the history o' Dovedale +parish," says Johnnie Tarplett. + +"Niver since WILL'UM CONQUEROR," says Jim Peyton. + +"Niver since NOAH 'isself," says Tom Figgures. + +"'Tis a nepoch, look you," says Peter Ledbetter. An' though us didn' +know what 'a meant no more'n 'a did 'isself, us were inclined to agree +wi 'm. Oh, 'tis a Greek word meanin' a stoppage, is it? Well, if what +you say be _trew_, Peter Ledbetter was right 'owever, an' them Greeks +is at the bottom of all the trouble, as I said in The Bell five nights +ago--my son bein' at Salonika, as you do know, Sir. + +An' arter a bit us all went along home, all on us tryin' to remember +what us knowed about home-brewin'. An' if you gentlefolks doan't +get your washin' done praperly this wik 'tis along o' the tubs bein' +otherwise engaaged. + +W.B. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "By partial dissembling we are able to offer this high-grade + Car at a price within the reach of those desiring the + best."--_New Zealand Herald_. + + * * * * * + + "At Ormskirk rejected army horses sold by auction realised + £30 to £60. The average was over £30."--_Sunday Chronicle_. + +We always like to have our sums done for us. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO UNBOOM OUR HOLIDAY RESORTS. + +[Illustration: BEACHVILLE IS _TOO_ BRACING! + +If you have a LIVER, BEACHVILLE will make you feel ABSOLUTELY ROTTEN! + +If you have not, BEACHVILLE will give you one within 24 HOURS!] + +[Illustration: CHALKCLIFFE NO PLACE FOR CHILDREN + +Children who do not fall off the cliffs invariably catch measles. + +Many do _both_.] + +[Illustration: SHRIMPINGTON THE GRAND(!) PARADE ON A WET DAY + +STATISTICS show that the AVERAGE RAINFALL at SHRIMPINGTON is HIGHER +than that at _any_ other watering-place in the United Kingdom.] + +[Illustration: BARWASH For BEASTLY BATHING from a BEACH of BROKEN +BOTTLES + +If this doesn't put you off, write to the Town Clerk for the Medical +Officer's report on the Town Water Supply.] + +[In view of the official discouragement of railway-travelling +something should be done to eradicate from the minds of the public +any favourable impressions created by the posters of the past.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER. + +_Flapper_. "OH, I'VE HEARD SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT +CAMOUFLAGE--MAKING MEN LOOK LIKE GUNS, AND GUNS LIKE COWS, AND ALL +THAT SORT OF THING. COULDN'T YOU DO SOME OF YOUR TRICKS HERE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRIGIBLES. + +HOW AN EXASPERATED ADJUTANT WOULD _LIKE_ TO ADDRESS THE NEW GUARD. + + "Guard! for I still concede to you the title, + Though well I know that it is not your due, + Being devoid of everything most vital + To the high charge which is imposed on you; + Listen awhile--and, Number Two, be dumb; + Forbear to scratch the irritable tress; + No longer masticate the furtive gum; + And, Private Pitt, stop nibbling at your thumb, + And for a change attend to my address. + + "Day after day I urge the old, old thesis-- + To reverence well the man of martial note, + Nor treat as mere sartorial caprices + The mystic marks he carries on his coat, + And how to know what everybody is, + The swords, the crowns, the purple-stainéd cards, + The Brigadiers concealed in Burberries, + And render all those pomps and dignities + Which are, of course, the _raison d'être_ of guards. + + "With what avail? for never a guard is mounted + That does not do some wild abhorrent thing, + Only in hushed low tones to be recounted, + Lest haply hints of it should reach the KING-- + Dark ugly tales of sentinels who drank, + Or lost their prisoners while imbibing tea, + Or took great pains to make their minds a blank + Whene'er approached by gentlemen of rank, + And, when reproved, presented arms to me! + + "There is no potentate in France or Flanders + You will not heap with insult if you can. + For lo! a car. It is the Corps Commander's; + The sentries take no notice of the man, + Or fix him with a not unkindly stare, + And slap their butts in an engaging way, + Or else, too late, in penitent despair + Cry, 'Guard, turn out!' and there is no guard there, + But they are in _The Blue Estaminet_. + + "Weary I am of worrying and warning; + For all my toil I get it in the neck; + I am fed up with it; and from this morning + I shall not seek to keep your crimes in check; + Sin as you will--I shall but acquiesce; + Sleep on, O sentinels--I shall not curse; + And so, maybe, from sheer contrariness + Some day a guard may be a slight success; + At any rate you cannot well do worse." + + * * * * * + +LIGHT ON THE SITUATION. + + "FRONT OF CROWN PRINCE RUPPRECHT.--At night the firing + engagement slackened but little, and near Hellwerden it + again rose to very great intensity."--_Admiralty, per + Wireless Press, July 26th_. + +Readers who shared the doubt of _The Times_ as to the existence of +"Hellwerden" (which doesn't appear in the maps) will be interested +to learn from one of our correspondents, who knows it well, that it +exists all right, but is only visible in the very early morning. _The +Times_ of July 28th bears out this statement. + +Our correspondent adds the information that "Hellwerden" is sometimes +spelt Morgendämmerung. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 23rd_.--The country awoke this morning to find itself +threatened with a first-class political crisis and possibly a General +Election to follow. Members dwelling temporarily on the Western Front +had reluctantly torn themselves from their dug-outs on the receipt of +a three-line whip, and had repaired post-haste to Westminster. + +[Illustration: PAPA MCKENNA LECTURES YOUNG BONAR ON EXTRAVAGANCE. EVEN +WHEN SOWING HIS WILDEST OATS HE (PAPA) NEVER CAME ANYWHERE NEAR SEVEN +MILLION POUNDS PER DIEM.] + +The trouble was nominally about the agricultural labourer and his +minimum wage. Should it be twenty-five shillings, as set down in the +Corn Production Bill, or thirty shillings, as proposed by Mr. WARDLE, +the Leader of the Labour Party? The Amendment had the assent of the +hard-shell Free-Traders, who were glad to snatch at any chance of +defeating the proposed bounty to the farmer. They had been further +incensed by the appointment of Messrs. MONTAGU and CHURCHILL to the +Ministry, and hoped perhaps that some of the extreme Tories would help +them to give the PRIME MINISTER a good hard knock. + +Mr. PROTHERO made it plain from the outset that the Government meant +to stand or fall by the proposal in the Bill; and most of the friends +of the agricultural labourer prudently preferred twenty-five shillings +in the hand to thirty shillings in the bush; with the result that the +amendment was defeated by 301 to 102. + +Mr. HOGGE called attention to the anomalous position occupied by +Dr. ADDISON. The late Minister for Munitions and future Minister for +Reconstruction is for the moment only an ordinary Member. Ought he not +therefore to be re-elected before taking up his new appointment? Mr. +SPEAKER'S judicious reply, "I do not appoint Ministers," left one +wondering what sort of an appearance the Treasury Bench would present +if he did. + +_Tuesday, July 24th_.--Major HUNT and Mr. KING, though in some +respects not unlike one another--each combining a child-like belief +in what they are told outside the House with an invincible scepticism +in regard to the information they receive from Ministers inside--are +rarely found hunting in couples. But they made common cause to-day +over the alleged award of the Distinguished Service Order to persons +who had never been near the firing line, and they refused to accept +Mr. MACPHERSON'S assurance that it was only given for service in the +field. Mr. KING knew for a fact that a gentleman in France who had +only served in the Post-Office had received it--presumably for not +deserting his post; while Major HUNT could not understand how anyone +should have earned it for fighting at home. "How has this country been +attacked?" he asked indignantly. Air-raids evidently do not count with +this gallant yeoman. + +Efficiency, not economy, is the PRIME MINISTER'S watchword. Sir EDWARD +CARSON as a Member of the War Cabinet will have no portfolio, but will +enjoy the not inadequate salary of five thousand a year for what the +Profession calls "a thinking part." The new Minister of Reconstruction +is to have two thousand a year; and we shall no doubt hear shortly +that he has begun his labours by reconstructing another hotel for the +accommodation of his staff. + +[Illustration: THE SECRET SERVICE IN THE HOUSE. +MR. KING HAS SUSPICIONS OF SOMETHING NEFARIOUS.] + +With the spirit of expansion pervading the Head of the Government, +it is not surprising that the expenditure of the country continues to +rise. The panting estimators of the Treasury toil after it in vain. +Mr. McKENNA's passionate plea for a limit to our war-expenditure +would have carried more weight if he had shown any sign during his +own time at the Exchequer of being able to impose one. As it was, Mr. +G.D. FABER'S interjection, "Do you want to limit munitions?" quickly +reduced him to generalities. The House had to rest content with Mr. +BONAR LAW'S assurance that, though we could not go on for ever, we +could go on longer than our enemies. + +_Wednesday, July 25th_.--In answer to Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING the +UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR stated that since the outbreak of hostilities +there had been forty-seven airship raids and thirty "heavier than air" +raids upon this country, "making seventy-eight air-raids in all." +It is believed that the discrepancy is explained by Mr. BILLING'S +unaccountable omission on one occasion to make a speech. + +He made one to-night of prodigious length, which brought him into +personal collision with Major ARCHER-SHEE. Palace Yard was the +scene of the combat, which ended, as I understand, in ARCHER downing +PEMBERTON and BILLING sitting on SHEE. Then the police arrived and +swept up the hyphens. + +Opinions differ as to Mr. KING'S latest performance. Some hold his +complaint, that the Government had introduced detectives into the +precincts of the House, to have been perfectly genuine, and point to +his phrase, "I speak from conviction," as a proof that he was trying +to revenge himself for personal inconvenience suffered at the hands +of the minions of the law. Others contend that he knew all the time +the real reason for their presence--the possibility that Sinn Fein +emissaries would greet Mr. GINNELL'S impending departure with a +display of fireworks from the Gallery. + +_Thursday, July 26th_.--Mr. GINNELL put in a belated appearance this +afternoon in order to make a dramatic exit. But the performance lacked +spontaneity. Indeed honourable Members, even while they laughed, were, +I think, a little saddened by the sight of this elderly gentleman's +pathetic efforts to play the martyr. + +Only twenty Members agreed with Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD in believing, +or affecting to believe, that the recent resolution of the German +Reichstag was the solemn pronouncement of a sovereign people, and that +it only requires the endorsement of the British Government to produce +an immediate and equitable peace. Not much was left of this pleasant +theory after Mr. ASQUITH had dealt it a few of his sledge-hammer +blows. "So far as we know," he said, "the influence of the Reichstag, +not only upon the composition but upon the policy of the German +Government, remains what it has always been, a practically negligible +quantity." + +Any faint hopes that the pacificists may have cherished of a +favourable division were destroyed by Mr. SNOWDEN in a speech whose +character may be judged by the comment passed on it by Mr. O'GRADY, +just back from Russia, that "LENIN had preached the same doctrine +in Petrograd." + + * * * * * + +THE REST CURE. + +TRIBUNALS PLEASE COPY. + + "It is understood that the French Consul at Lourenco Marques, + M. Savoye, has, owing to ill-health, asked his Government to + allow him to return to Army duties."--_Cape Times_. + + * * * * * + + "Lady ---- set the fashion of arriving at the altar with empty + hands. She is the first bride to have had such an important + wedding without the etceteras of bouquet or prayerbook, + bridesmaids, pages, or wedding-cake."--_News of the World_. + +Far too big a handful. + + * * * * * + + "150 YEARS AGO--JULY 20, 1767. + + Reports of the borough treasurer of West Ham show a loss of + £41,000 on the municipal tramways and a loss of £35,000 on + the electricity undertaking."--_Northampton Daily Echo_. + +So the eighteenth century was not so much behind the present time as +we had been led to believe. + + * * * * * + + "Piano wanted by a lady to teach little girl to + learn."--_Provincial Paper_. + +One of those player-pianos with the new knuckle-rapping attachment, +we suppose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_"mopping up" captured trench_). "IS THERE +ANYONE DOWN THERE?" + +_Voice from dug out_. "JA! JA! KAMERAD!" + +_Tommy_. "THEN COME OUT HERE AND FRATERNISE."] + + * * * * * + +MILITARY AIDES. + +Last year, owing to the pressure of other engagements, we did not +mark out the tennis-lawn at "Sunnyside." This year the matter has +been taken out of our hands by the military powers. + +Nevin was the first to think of it. + +"What about a game of tennis?" he suggested one bright morning in May. +"Keep us from going to seed." + +It was his second day of leave after three months in the Ypres +salient, so the change may have been too sudden for him. + +"That's a toppin' notion," echoed Bob; "let's raid 'old Beetle's' +museum and dig out the posts." + +So Captain Richard Nevin, R.E., and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson, +R.G.A., took the affair into their own hands. + +Having seen the same forces cooperating on previous occasions, I +determined to keep clear of them. Besides, I am only "old Beetle." + +They found the posts in the tool-shed, and, borne upon the initial +enthusiasm of their venture, began to sink a sort of winze on each +side of the lawn. Up to this point they were perfectly amicable. + +Then Nevin, who is a thoughtful person, said suddenly, "I suppose you +made quite sure that the line of these posts will cross the centre of +the court?" And then, before Bob could retort, added, "Of course you +ought to have made absolutely certain of that. As it is we had better +leave this and find the corner irons." + +Corner irons that have remained undisturbed for some twenty-four +months have a way of concealing themselves. At the end of ten minutes +the seekers began to show signs of impatience. Such terms as "angles," +"bases," "centres," interspersed with "futilass," "sodamsure," +"knowseverything" were cast upon a hazardous breeze. + +Eventually they found one of the angles. To the ordinary layman this +would have meant the beginning of the end. But Captain Richard Nevin +and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson are made of different stuff. They +scorn the easy path. They have stores of deep knowledge to draw upon +which place their calculations beyond the ken of ordinary mortals. +After they had made a searching examination of the exhumed angle, Bob +pulled out a pencil, prostrated himself behind it and then proceeded +to gaze ecstatically over the top. + +I moved my chair slightly south, and pretended to regard the +apple-blossom, and when Nevin went into the house and brought out +something which dimly resembled a ship's sextant I had the extreme +presence of mind not to make any inquiries. + +Margery drifted up with a pink duster. + +"What ever are they doing?" she asked. + +"Hush!" I whispered; "Bob has just got the range of a supply train on +the far side of the rockery, and if Nevin (Nevin is the Crown Prince +of Wurtemberg) doesn't get the longitude of Bob's battery in the next +minute or so it's all up with his day's rations." + +Suddenly Bob rose and made some calculations on an old envelope. + +"That means three rounds battery fire," I said, "and the Prince loses +his lunch." + +Not satisfied with this success, Bob went indoors and looted the hall +of three walking-sticks and Margery's new sunshade. + +"What's he going to do now?" said Margery, with one eye on the +sunshade. + +He walked to the far end of the lawn and manoeuvred in a small circle. +"The water-jackets are boiling," I replied, "and they've run out of +cold water. He's divining with the sunshade. Look!" + +Bob suddenly drove the sunshade into the ground. There was a sharp +crack and--well, he found another iron. Of course he tried to explain +to Margery that it was an absolute accident and he only wanted to get +a sighting post; but that was mere self-effacement, and I said so. + +Things began to happen quickly after this, and if Private James +Thompson had not put in an unexpected appearance they might have +completed the job without any further difference of opinion. + +In the merry days before war was thrust upon us, James Thompson was +an architect of distinction. Obviously an architect of distinction can +reduce the difficulty of laying out a tennis-court to an elementary +and puerile absurdity. For half-an-hour the demonstration was +carried on in the garden, and, after Private Thompson had twice been +threatened with arrest for using insubordinate language to a superior, +it was decided to finish the discussion in my study, assisted by the +softening influence of the Tantalus. + +Not for a hundred pounds would I have ventured into the study. +I picked up _The Gardening Gazette_ and engrossed myself in an +interesting piece of scandal about the slug family. + +Suddenly Margery appeared at the double. + +"Do you know," I exclaimed excitedly, "it was the wireworm after all." + +"Come on," Margery panted irrelevantly, "buck up and we can finish it +before they come out again." + +In her hand she held a tape-measure and an official diagram of a +tennis-court. + +Five minutes later the experts emerged from the house. + +"Hullo!" exclaimed Nevin aggressively, "what have you been up to?" + +"Oh," I replied, flicking over a page on weed-killers, "Margery and I +thought we had better find the remainder of the tennis-court while you +were having a rest. Margery's gone for a ball of string, and if Bob +fetches the marker you can mark the court out now." + +Nevin's retort was addressed solely to Private James Thompson, who +had in an unfortunate moment given way to laughter of an unmilitary +character. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE. + +{Cartoon, four panels, each with two gentlemen gazing skyward, bombs +exploding nearby. One is using binoculars.} + +First panel: "From its shape-- + +Second panel: --I should say-- + +Third panel: --that must be-- + +Fourth panel: --Enemy Aircraft!"] + + * * * * * + +BOYCOTTING THE BARD. + + ["Contributors are particularly requested not to send + verses. They are not wanted in any circumstances and cannot + be printed, acknowledged or returned."--_British Weekly, + July 19th_.] + + I once believed the "Man of Kent" + To be the Muses' firm supporter + And only less benevolent + To bards than Mr. C.K. SHORTER. + + But this untimely cruel blow + Has quite irrevocably shattered + The hopes which till a week ago + My fondest aspirations flattered. + + Wounds that are dealt us by our friends + Are faithful, but the name endearing + Of friend is hardly his who lends + And then denies the bard a hearing. + + How then, O brother songsters, can + You take it lying down, and meekly + Submit to this tyrannic ban + Laid on you by _The British Weekly_? + + No, no, you'll rather emulate + The Minstrel Boy, and we shall find you + Storming its barred and bolted gate + With reams of lyrics slung behind you. + + * * * * * + + "The time is ripe for the authorities to stop all street + traffic and to order all unauthorised persons to take cover + under penalty at the approach of the air raiders."--_Daily + Paper_. + +Personally, as a means of shelter we prefer the coal-cellar to any +penalty. + + * * * * * + + "Will Mr. Russell deny that 660 million gallons of milk + were produced in Ireland last year, of which half went + to the creameries and more to the margarine factories + and to England?"--_Letter in Irish Paper_. + +The Irish gallon would appear to be as elastic as the Irish mile. + + * * * * * + +"DIVISIONAL SIGNS." + +The purpose of a Divisional Sign is to deceive the enemy. Let us +suppose that you belong to the 580th Division, B.E.F. You do not put +"580" on your waggons and your limbers and on the tin-hats of your +Staff. Certainly not. The enemy would know about you if you did that. +You have a secret sign, such as tramps chalk on your wall at home, +to let other tramps know that you are a stingy devil with a dog. +There are many theories as to how these signs are chosen. One is +that a committee of officers sits _in camerâ_ for forty-eight hours +without food or drink till it has decided on an arrow or a cat, or +a dandelion, rampant. + +Let us take it that a cat is chosen--a quiet thing in cats--crimson on +a green-and-white chess-board background. Forthwith (as adjutants say) +a crimson cat on a green-and-white chess-board background is painted +and embroidered on everything that can be painted and embroidered +on--limbers and waggons and hand-carts and arm-bands and the +tin-hats of the Staff. And the Division goes forth as it were masked, +disguised, just like one of Mr. LE QUEUX'S diplomatist heroes at a +fancy-dress ball, wearing a domino. You perceive the mystery of it? +None of your naked numbers for us B.E.F. men. The Division marches +through a village, and the dear old Man Who Knows, cropping up again +in the army, says, "Ha! A red cat on a green-and-white chess-board +back-ground? That's the Seventeenth Division." + +You see it now? The enemy agent overhears. The false news is sent +crackling through the ether to Berlin (wireless, my dear, in the +cellar, of course). The German General Staff looks up the village on +a map, and sticks into it a flag marked 17. Not 580, mark you. And +the General Staff frowns, and Majesty pushes the ends of its moustache +into its eyes at the knowledge that the Seventeenth Division is in +----. + +And all the time it is in ----! And the agent pockets his cheque. So +wars are won and lost. + +Just conceive the romance of it. It is heraldry gone mad. + +Myself, however, I incline to another theory as to the origin of these +symbols. + +A Higher Command enters his office. Higher Commands always enter. The +office is hung, like a studio in one of Mr. GEORGE MORROW'S pictures, +with diagrams of circles and triangles and crosses and straight lines. +The Higher Command, being a man of like passions with ourselves, +has just finished tinned Oxford marmalade and a cigarette. He heads +for the "IN" basket on his desk and takes from it the "Arrivals and +Departures" paper. "Ha!" says he to the lady secretary, "I see six +new divisions landed yesterday." He pauses. Outside there is no sound +to be heard save the loud and continuous crash of the sentry's hand +against his rifle as he salutes the passing A.D.C.'s. "What about +signs?" says the Higher Command. The lady secretary says nothing. She +floods the carburettor of the typewriter preparatory to thumping out +"Ref. attached correspondence" on it. + +The Higher Command stares at the diagrams on the wall. He is feeling +strangely light-hearted this morning. He has won five francs at bridge +the night before from the D.A.D.M.O. A.D.G.S. And mere circles and +squares have somehow lost their savour for him. He plunges. "What +about a lion?" he says. + +The lady secretary opens the throttle and plays a few bars on the +"cap." key. + +"A red lion?" says the Higher Command seductively. + +"It has already been done," says the lady secretary coldly. + +"Who by--I mean by whom?" inquires the H.C. indignantly. + +"By the Deputy Assistant Director of Higher Commands, when you were +on leave last week," she tells him. + +He mutters a military oath against the D.A.D.H.C. Then his face +clears. + +"Tigers?" he suggests hopefully. + +"We might do a green tiger," she says reluctantly. + +"With yellow stripes!" shouts the H.C. + +"On a mauve background," says she, warming to it. + +And so one division is disposed of. But it is not always so, of +course. + +After a Hun counter-attack, for instance, the H.C. may gaze morosely +on his geometrical figures and throw off a little thing in triangles +and St. Andrew's crosses. Or when the moon is at the full you may +have a violet allotted to you as your symbol. One never knows. My +own divisional sign, for instance, is an iddy-umpty plain on a field +plainer. We vary the heraldry by ringing changes on the colours. On +our brigade arm-band it becomes an iddy-umpty gules on a field azure. +If I could be quite sure of the heraldic slang for puce I would tell +you what it is on our Army Corps arm-band. On a waggon it used to be +an iddy-umpty blank on a field muddy. But administrative genius has +changed all that. A routine order, the other day, ordered a pink +border to be painted round it, and this first simple essay of the +departed Morse goes now through the villages of France in a bed of +roses. + +We wish sometimes that our conditions were changed as easily as our +signs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dugal._ "I DOOT, TAMMAS, THERE'S SOME INFORMEESHUN +THAT MAN LLOYD GEORGE HAS GOT THAT WE HAVENA GOT."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "The Lord Provost will preside over the meeting at which Mr. + Churchill will speak in Dundee this afternoon. + + Many thousands of people are leaving Dundee for their annual + holiday."--_Manchester Daily Dispatch_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Alderman Domoney, in remanding at the Guildhall to-day + two boys charged with theft, said he always liked to deal + leniently with boys so young and to give the ma fresh start + in life."--_Evening Paper_. + +Not a word about the pa, you observe; yet we daresay he was equally +responsible. + + * * * * * + +From the Orders of a Battalion in France:-- + + "The undermentioned N.C.O.'s and men will parade at 10.30 + a.m., bringing with them their gas-helmets and the unexpired + portion of their rations." + +It is surmised that this refers to the cheese-issue. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Basil_. "MUMMY, AREN'T WE EXCEEDING THE SPEED +RATION?"] + + * * * * * + +BULLINGTON. + + It was in the high midsummer and the sun was shining strong, + And the lane was rather flinty and the lane was rather long, + When, up and down the gentle hills beside the stripling Test, + I chanced to come to Bullington and stayed a while to rest. + + It was drowned in peace and quiet, as the river reeds were drowned + In the water clear as crystal, flowing by with scarce a sound; + And the air was like a posy with the sweet haymaking smells, + And the Roses and Sweet-Williams and Canterbury Bells. + + Far away as some strange planet seemed the old world's dust and din, + And the trout in sun-warmed shallows hardly seemed to stir a fin, + And there's never a clock to tell you how the hurrying world goes on + In the little ivied steeple down in drowsy Bullington. + + Small and sleepy there it nestled, seeming far from hastening Time, + As a teeny-tiny village in some quaint old nursery rhyme, + And a teeny-tiny river by a teeny-tiny weir + Sang a teeny-tiny ditty that I stayed a while to hear:-- + + "Oh the stream runs to the river and the river to the sea; + But the reedy banks of Bullington are good enough for me; + Oh the road runs to the highway and the highway o'er the down, + But it's just as good in Bullington as mighty London town." + + Then high above an aeroplane in humming flight went by, + With the droning of its engines filling all the cloudless sky; + And like the booming of a knell across that perfect day + There came the guns' dull thunder from the ranges far away. + + And, while I lay and listened, oh the river's sleepy tune + Seemed to change its rippling music, like the cuckoo's stave in June, + And the cannon's distant thunder and the engines' warlike drone + Seemed to mingle with its burthen in a solemn undertone:-- + + "Oh the stream runs to the river, and the river to the sea, + And there's war on land and water, and there's work for you and me; + And on many a field of glory there are gallant lives laid down + As well for sleepy Bullington as mighty London Town." + + So I roused me from my daydream, for I knew the song spoke true, + That it isn't time for dreaming while there's duty still to do; + And I turned into the highroad where it meets the flinty lane, + And the world of wars and sorrows was about me once again. + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +REMEMBRANCE. + +"Stop, Francesca," I cried. "Don't talk; don't budge; don't blink. +Give me time. I've all but--" + +"What _are_ you up to?" she said. + +"There," I said, "you've done it. I had it on the tip of my tongue, +and now it has gone back for ever into the limbo of forgotten things, +and all because you couldn't keep silent for the least little fraction +of a second." + +"My poor dear," she said, "I _am_ sorry. But why didn't you tell me +you were trying to remember something?" + +"That," I said, "would have been just as fatal to it. These things are +only remembered in an atmosphere of perfect silence. The mental effort +must have room to develop." + +"Don't tell me," she said tragically, "that I have checked the +development of a mental effort. That would be too awful." + +"Well," I said, "that's exactly what you _have_ done, that and nothing +less. I feel just as if I'd tried to go upstairs where there wasn't a +step." + +"Or downstairs." + +"Yes," I said, "it's equally painful and dislocating." + +"But you're not the only one," she said, "who's forgotten things. I've +done quite a lot in that line myself. I've forgotten the measles and +sugar and Lord RHONDDA and the Irish trouble and your Aunt Matilda, +and where I left my _pince-nez_ and what's become of the letters I +received this morning, and whom I promised to meet where and when to +talk over what. You needn't think you're the only forgetter in the +world. I can meet you on that and any other ground." + +"But," I said, "the thing you made me forget--" + +"I didn't." + +"You did." + +"No, for you hadn't remembered it." + +"Well, anyhow I shall put it on to you, and I want you to realise that +it's not like one of your trivialities--" + +"This man," said Francesca, "refers to his Aunt Matilda and Lord +RHONDDA as trivialities." + +"It is not," I continued inexorably, "like one of your trivialities. +It's a most important thing, and it begins with a 'B.'" + +"Are you sure of that?" + +"Yes, I'm sure it begins with a 'B'--or perhaps a 'W.' Yes, I'm sure +it's a 'W' now." + +"I'm going," said Francesca with enthusiasm, "to coax that word or +thing, or whatever it is, back to the tip of your tongue and beyond +it. So let's have all you know about it. Firstly, then, it begins with +a 'W.'" + +"Yes, it begins with a 'W,' and I feel it's got something to do with +Lord RHONDDA." + +"That doesn't help much. So far as I can see, everything now is more +or less nearly connected with Lord RHONDDA." + +"But my forgotten thing isn't bread or meat. It's something remoter." + +"Is it Mr. KENNEDY-JONES?" said Francesca. "He's just resigned, you +know." + +"No, it's not Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. How could it be? Mr. KENNEDY-JONES +doesn't begin with a 'W.'" + +"If I were you, I shouldn't insist too much on that 'W.' I should keep +it in the background, for it's about ten to one you'll find in the +end that it doesn't begin with a 'W.' At any rate we've made two short +advances; we know it isn't Mr. KENNEDY-JONES, because he doesn't begin +with a 'W,' and we are not very sure that it begins with a 'W.'" + +"Keep quiet," I said, flushing with anticipation. "I'm getting it ... +your last remark has put me on the track.... Silence.... Ah ... it's +_DEVONSHIRE CREAM!_ There--I've got it at last. I feel an overwhelming +desire for Devonshire cream." + +"The sort that begins with a 'W.'" + +"Well, it's got a 'V' in it, anyhow." + +"And it isn't Devonshire cream at all. It's really Cornish cream--at +least Mary Penruddock says it is." + +"Cornish or Devonshire, that's what I must have, if Lord RHONDDA'S +rules allow it." + +"All right, I'll get you a pot or two if I can. But are you sure you +won't forget it again?" + +"If I do," I said, "I can always remember it by the W.'" + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANGE CURE. + + ["The only way to make domestic service popular is for + a duchess to become a tweeny-maid."--_Evening Paper_.] + + It may be that a modern _Mene, Mene_ + Will force the Duchess to become a tweeny; + But, ere this democratic transformation + Secures the "old nobility's" salvation, + Some other changes are not less but more + Needful to aid our progress in the War. + + For instance, with what rapture were we blest + If Some-one gave his nimble tongue a rest + And, turning Trappist, stanched the fearsome gush + Of egotistic and thrasonic slush; + Or if Lord X. eschewed his daily speeches + And took to canning Californian peaches; + Or if egregious LYNCH could but abstain + From "ruining along the illimitable inane" + At Question-time, and try to render PLATO'S + _Republic_ into Erse, or grow potatoes; + Or if our novelists wrote cheerful books, + Instead of joining those superfluous cooks + Who spoil our daily journalistic broth + By lashing it into a fiery froth. + + Counsels of sheer perfection, you will say, + In times when ev'ry mad dog has his day, + Yet none the less inviting as the theme + Of a millennial visionary's dream. + + And as for Duchesses turned tweeny-maids + Or following other unobtrusive trades + There's nothing very wonderful or new + Or difficult to credit in the view; + For DICKENS--whom I never fail to bless + For solace in these days of storm and stress-- + Found his best slavey in _The Marchioness_. + + * * * * * + +WHO INVENTED THE NAME "SAMMIES"? + + "They are 'Sammies' now, and the name probably will stick + along with 'Tommy,' 'poilu' and 'Fritz.' ... The christening + was one of those spontaneous affairs, coming nobody knows + how."--_Kansas City Star_. + +Mr. Punch, ever reluctant to take credit to himself, feels +nevertheless bound to say that the suggestion of the name "Sammies" +for our American Allies appeared in his columns as long ago as June +13th. On page 384 of that issue (after quoting _The Daily News_ as +having said, "We shall want a name for the American 'Tommies' when +they come; but do not call them 'Yankees'; they none of them like it") +he wrote: "As a term of distinction and endearment, Mr. Punch suggests +'Sammies'--after their uncle." + + * * * * * + + "London.-- ---- House. Bed, breakfast 4s., per week 24s. 6d. + No other meals at present." + +This should encourage the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Transport Officer_. "CONFOUND IT, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU +DOING? DON'T TEASE THE ANIMALS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +HANSI, the Alsatian caricaturist and patriot, who escaped a few months +before the War, after being condemned by the German courts to fifteen +months' imprisonment for playing off an innocent little joke on four +German officers, and did his share of fighting with the French in the +early part of the War, is the darling of the Boulevards. They adore +his supreme skill in thrusting the irritating lancet of his humour +into bulging excrescences on the flank of that monstrous pachyderm +of Europe, the German. _Professor Knatschke_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +aptly translated by Professor R.L. CREWE, is a joyous rag. It purports +to be the correspondence of a Hun Professor, full of an egregious +self-sufficiency and humourlessness and greatly solicitous for the +unhappy Alsatian who is ignorant and misguided enough to prefer the +Welsch (i.e. foreign) "culture-swindle" to the glorious paternal +Kultur of the German occupation. And HANSI illustrates his witty text +with as witty and competent a pencil. HANSI has, in effect, the full +status of an Ally all by himself. He adds out of the abundance of his +heart a diary and novel by _Knatschke's_ daughter, _Elsa_, full of +the artless sentimentality of the German virgin. It is even better fun +than the Professor's part of the business. Naturally the full flavour +of both jokes must be missed by the outsider. HANSI is the more +effective in that he chuckles quietly, never guffaws and never rails. +Fun of the best. + + * * * * * + +There is not much left for me to say in praise of Mr. JACK LONDON'S +dog-stories; and anyhow, if his name on the cover of _Jerry of the +Islands_ (MILLS AND BOON) is not enough, no persuasion of mine +will induce you to read it. Those of us to whom dogs are merely +animals--just that--will find this history of an Irish terrier dull +enough; but others who have in their time given their "heart to a dog +to tear" will recognise and joyously welcome Mr. LONDON'S sympathetic +understanding of his hero. _Jerry's_ adventurous life as here told +was spent in the Solomon Islands, which is not, I gather, the most +civilized part of the globe. He had been brought up to dislike +niggers, and when he disliked anyone he did not hesitate to show his +feelings and his teeth. So it is possible that for some tastes he +left his marks a little too frequently; but in the end he thoroughly +justified his inclination to indulge in what looked like unprovoked +attacks upon bare legs. For unless he had kept his teeth in by +constant practice he might never have contrived to save his beloved +master and mistress from a very cowardly and crafty attack. Good dog, +_Jerry_! + + * * * * * + +I admit that the fact of its publishers having branded _The Road to +Understanding_ (CONSTABLE) as "A Pure Love Story" did not increase the +hopes with which I opened it. Let me however hasten also to admit that +half of it certainly bettered expectation. That was the first half, +in which _Burke Denby_, the heir to (dollar) millions, romantically +defied his father and married his aunt's nursery governess, and +immediately started to live the reverse of happy-ever after. All this, +the contrast between ideals in a mansion and love in a jerry-built +villa, and the thousand ways in which _Mrs. Denby_ got upon her +husband's nerves and generally blighted his existence, are told with +an excellently human and sympathetic understanding, upon which I make +my cordial congratulations to Miss ELEANOR H. PORTER. But because +the book, however human, belongs, after all, to the category of "Best +Sellers" it appears to have been found needful to furbish up this +excellent matter with an incredible ending. That _Mrs. Denby_ should +retire with her infant to Europe, in order to educate herself to her +husband's level, I did not mind. This thing has been done before now +even in real life. But that, on returning after the lapse of years, +she should introduce the now grown-up daughter, unrecognised, as +secretary to her father! "Somehow ... you remind me strangely.... Tell +me of your parents." "My daddy ... I never knew him." Or words to that +effect. It is all there, spoiling a tale that deserved better. + + * * * * * + +The voracious novel-reader is apt to hold detective stories in the +same regard that the Scotchman is supposed to entertain towards +whisky--some are better than others, but there are no really bad ones. +_The Pointing Man_ (HUTCHINSON) is better than most, in the first +place because it takes us "east of Suez"--a pleasant change from +the four-mile radius to which the popular sleuths of fiction mostly +confine their activities; and, secondly, because it combines a maximum +of sinister mystery with a minimum of actual bloodshed; and, lastly, +because our credulity is not strained unduly either by the superhuman +ingenuity of the hunter or an excess of diabolical cunning on the part +of the quarry. Otherwise the story possesses the usual features. There +is the clever young detective, in whose company we expectantly scour +the bazaars and alleys of Mangadone in search of a missing boy. There +are Chinamen and Burmese, opium dens and curio shops, temples and +go-downs. Miss MARJORIE DOUIE has more than a superficial knowledge +of her stage setting, and gets plenty of movement and colour into +it. And if she has elaborated the characters and inter-play of her +Anglo-Burmese colony to an extent that is not justified either by +their connection with the plot or the necessity of mystifying the +reader we must forgive her because she does it very well--so well +indeed that we may hope to see _The Pointing Man_, excellent as it is +in its way, succeeded by a contribution to Anglo-Oriental literature +that will do ampler justice to Miss DOUIE'S unquestionable gifts. + + * * * * * + +Our writers appear willing converts to my own favourite theory that +the public is, like a child, best pleased to hear the tales that it +already knows by heart. The latest exponent of this is the lady who +prefers to be called only "The Author of _An Odd Farmhouse_." Her new +little book, _Your Unprofitable Servant_ (WESTALL), is a record of +domestic happenings and impressions during the early phases of the +War. The thing is skilfully done, and in the result carries you with +interest from page to page; though (as I hint) the history of those +August days, when Barbarism came forth to battle and Civilisation +regretfully unpacked its holiday suit-cases, can hardly appeal now +with the freshness of revelation. Still, the writer brings undeniable +gifts to her more than twice-told tale. She has, for example, +perception and a turn of phrase very pleasant, as when she speaks +of the shops in darkened London conducting the last hour of business +under lowered awnings, "as if it were a liaison." There are many such +rewarding passages, some perhaps a little facile, but, taken together, +quite enough to make this unpretentious little volume a very agreeable +companion for the few moments of leisure which are all that most of us +can get in these strenuous days. + + * * * * * + +I enjoyed at a pleasant sitting the whole of Mr. FRANK SWINNERTON'S +_Nocturne_ (SECKER). I don't quite know (and I don't see how +the author can quite know) whether his portraits of pretty +self-willed _Jenny_ and plain love-hungry _Emmy_, the daughters +of the superannuated iron-moulder, are true to life, but they are +extraordinarily plausible. Not a word or a mood or a move in the +inter-play of five characters in four hours of a single night, the +two girls and "_Pa_," and _Alf_ and _Keith_, the sailor and almost +gentleman who was _Jenny's_ lover, seemed to me out of place. The +little scene in the cabin of the yacht between _Jenny_ and _Keith_ +is a quite brilliant study in selective realism. Take the trouble to +look back on the finished chapters and see how much Mr. SWINNERTON has +told you in how few strokes, and you will realise the fine and precise +artistry of this attractive volume. I can see the lights, the silver +and the red glow of the wine; and I follow the flashes and pouts +and tearful pride of _Jenny_, and _Keith's_ patient, embarrassed, +masterful wooing as if I had been shamefully eavesdropping. + + * * * * * + +_Fool Divine_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) stands to some extent in +a position unique among novels in that its heroine is also its +villainess, or at least the wrecker of its hero. _Nevile del Varna_, +the lady in question, is indeed the only female character in the +tale, and has therefore naturally to work double tides. What happened +was that young _Christopher_, a superman and hero, dedicate, as a +volunteer, to the unending warfare of science against the evil goddess +of the Tropics, yellow fever, met this more human divinity when on +his journey to the scene of action, and, like a more celebrated +predecessor, "turned aside to her." Then, naturally enough, when +_Nevile_ has gotten him for her husband and when love of her has +caused him to abandon his project of self-sacrifice, she repays +him with scorn. And as the unhappy _Christopher_ already scorns +himself the rest of the book (till the final chapters) is a record +of deterioration more clever than exactly cheerful. The moral of it +all being, I suppose, that if you are wedded to an ideal you should +beware of taking to yourself a mortal wife, for that means bigamy. +Incidentally the book contains some wonderfully impressive pictures of +tropical life and of the general beastliness of existence on a rubber +plantation. At the end, as I have indicated, regeneration comes for +_Christopher_--though I will not reveal just how this happens. There +is also a subsidiary interest in the revolutionary affairs of Cuba, +which the much-employed _Nevile_ appears to manage, as a local Joan of +Arc, in her spare moments; and altogether the book can be recommended +as one that will at least take you well away from the discomforts of +here and now. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TALE OF A GREAT OFFENSIVE. + +"'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'LL GET A THICK EAR!' I SEZ, 'WHO?' 'E SEZ, 'YOU!' +I SEZ, 'ME?' 'E SEZ 'YUS!' I SEZ 'HO!'"] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, August 1, 1917., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH VOL 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 12043-8.txt or 12043-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/0/4/12043/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, August 1, 1917. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 15, 2004 [EBook #12043] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH VOL 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 1, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The Imperial aspirations of KING FERDINAND are discussed by + a Frankfort paper in an article entitled "What Bulgaria wants." + Significantly enough the ground covered is almost identical + with the subject-matter of an unpublished article of our own, + entitled "What Bulgaria won't get."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The cow which walked down sixteen stairs into a cellar at + Willesden is said to have been the victim of a false air-raid + warning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"In Scotland," says Mr. BARNES'S report on Industrial + Unrest, "the subject of liquor restrictions was never + mentioned." Some thoughts are too poignant for utterance.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the statement of a German paper "A Partial + Crisis" threatens Austria. One of these days we feel sure + something really serious will happen to that country.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Medical Officer of the L.C.C. estimates that in 1916 the + total water which flowed under London Bridge was + 875,000,000,000 gallons. It is not known yet what is to be done + about it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Army Council has forbidden the sale of raffia in the + United Kingdom. Personally we never eat the stuff.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Nature Notes: A white sparrow has been seen in Huntingdon; a + well-defined solar halo has been observed in Hertfordshire, and + Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL was noticed the other day reading <i>The + Morning Post</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A boy of eighteen told the Stratford magistrate that he had + given up his job because he only got twenty-five shillings a + week. He will however continue to give the War his moral + support.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Austrian EMPEROR has told the representative of <i>The + Cologne Gazette</i> that he "detests war." If not true this is + certainly a clever invention on KARL'S part.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We feel that the public need not have been so peevish + because the experimental siren air-raid warning was not heard + by everybody in London. They seem to overlook the fact that + full particulars of the warning appeared next morning in the + papers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man who obtained two hundred-weight of sugar from a firm + of ship-brokers has been fined ten pounds at Glasgow. Some + curiosity exists as to the number of ships he had to purchase + in order to secure that amount of sugar.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A London magistrate has held that tea and dinner concerts in + restaurants are subject to the entertainment tax. This decision + will come as a great shock to many people who have always + regarded the music as an anæsthetic.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The no-tablecloths order has caused great perturbation among + the better-class hotel-keepers in Berlin. Does the Government, + they ask sarcastically, expect their class of patron to wipe + their mouths on their shirt-cuffs?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The chairman of the House of Commons' Tribunal complains + that while cats drink milk as usual they no longer catch mice. + This however may easily be remedied if the FOOD-CONTROLLER will + meet them halfway on the question of dilution.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The public has been warned by Scotland Yard against a man + calling himself Sid Smith. We wouldn't do it ourselves, of + course, but we are strongly opposed to the police interfering + in what is after all purely a matter of personal taste.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The bones of ST. GEORGE have been discovered near Beersheba + in Palestine by members of our Expeditionary Force. This should + dispel the popular delusion which has always ascribed the last + resting-place of England's patron saint to the present site of + the Mint.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"War bread will keep for a week," stated Mr. CLYNES for the + Ministry of Food. Of course you can keep it longer if you are + collecting curios.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that all salaries in the German Diplomatic + Service have been reduced. We always said that frightfulness + didn't really pay.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>German women have been asked to place their hair at the + disposal of the authorities. If they do not care to sacrifice + their own hair they can just send along the handful or two + which they collect in the course of waiting in the butter + queue.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i> has been rendered by amateur actors at the + Front, all scenery being dispensed with. If you must dispense + with one or the other, why not leave out the acting?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"To assist in the breaking-up of grass-land," we are told, + "the Board of Agriculture proposes to allocate a number of + horses to agricultural counties." The idea of allocating some + of our incurable golfers to this purpose does not appear to + have suggested itself to our slow-witted authorities.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I have resigned because there is no further need for my + services," said Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. Several politicians are of + the opinion that this was not a valid reason.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>First ex-Knut</i>. "WOULDN'T CARE TO BE IN BLIGHTY + NOW, REG., WHEN IT'S ROTTEN FORM TO GO IN FOR FANCY TEAS + AND THAT—WHAT?"</p> + + <p><i>Second ex-Knut</i>. "HONK!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Expansive Smile.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"SIX HUNDRED SQUARE MILES. BRITISH GAINS SINCE LAST + YEAR."—<i>The Statesman</i> (<i>India</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Berlin Tageblatt</i> says that HERR MIHAELIS in the + critical passages measured his words "as carefully as if they + were meat rations." A wise precaution, in view of the + likelihood that he would have to eat them.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a Cinema advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"KEEPS YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS THROUGHOUT THE FIVE + ACTS OF A STORY THAT UNFOLDS ITSELF MIDST THE ROMANTIC + PURLOINS OF ITALY AND ENGLAND."—<i>Austrian + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We gather that the scene is laid in the thieves' + quarter.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" + id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span> + + <h2>TO WILLIAM AT THE BACK OF THE GALICIAN FRONT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once more you follow in Bellona's train,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Her train de luxe) in search of cheap + réclame;</p> + + <p class="i2">Once more you flaunt your rearward + oriflamme,</p> + + <p>A valiant eagle nosing out the slain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not to the West, where RUPPRECHT stands at bay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hard pushed with hounds of England at his + throat,</p> + + <p class="i2">And WILLIE'S chance grows more and more + remote</p> + + <p>Of breaking hearts along The Ladies' Way;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But to the East you go, for easier game,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where traitors to their faith desert the + fight,</p> + + <p class="i2">And better men than yours are swept in + flight</p> + + <p>By coward Anarchy that sells her shame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For here, by favour of your new allies,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll see recovered all you lost of + late,</p> + + <p class="i2">When, tried in open combat, fair and + straight,</p> + + <p>Your Huns were flattened out like swatted flies.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, make the most of this so timely boom,</p> + + <p class="i2">For Russia yet may cut the cancer + out—</p> + + <p class="i2">Her heart is big enough—and turn + about</p> + + <p>Clean-limbed and strong and terrible as doom.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, though she fail us in the final test,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not there, not there, my child, the end + shall be,</p> + + <p class="i2">But where, without your option, France + and we</p> + + <p>Have made our own arrangements further West.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DUSTBIN.</h2> + + <p>He dropped in to tea, quite casually; forced an entry + through the mud wall of our barn, in fact. No, he wouldn't sit + down—expected to be leaving in a few minutes; but he + didn't mind if he did have a sardine, and helped himself to the + tinful. Yes, a bit of bully, thanks, wouldn't be amiss; and a + nice piece of coal; cockchafers very good too when, as now, in + season; and, for savoury, a little nibble with a yard of tarred + string and an empty cardboard cigarette-box. Thank you very + much.</p> + + <p>"Why, the little brute's a perfect dustbin," said my mate; + and "Dustbin" the puppy was throughout his stay with us.</p> + + <p>For six weeks did Dustbin—attached for rations and + discipline—accompany us on our sanitary rounds; set us a + fine example of indifference to shell fire, even to the extent + of attempting to catch spent shrapnel as it fell; and proved + the wettest of wet blankets to the "socials" of the local rats. + Then, as happens with sanitary inspectors in France, there + arrived late one afternoon a despatch requesting the pleasure + of my society—in five hours' time—at a village some + twenty kilos distant as the shell flies. I found I should have + fifteen minutes in which to pack, four hours for my journey, + and forty-five minutes between the packing and the start in + which to find a home for Dustbin.</p> + + <p>"Take the little dorg off you?" said a Sergeant acquaintance + in the D.A.C. "I couldn't, Corp'l. Why, I don't even know how + I'm goin' to take the foal yonder"—he glared + reproachfully at a placid Clydesdale mare and her tottering + one-day-old; "and 'ow I'm goin' to take my posh + breeches—"</p> + + <p>I left him hovering despondently over his equipment and a + pile of dirty linen.</p> + + <p>We tried the M.G.C. We were on the best of terms and always + had been; they said so. They apologised in advance for the + insanitary conditions I might find; inquired after my health; + offered me some coffee and generally loved me; but they + couldn't love my dog. The Cook even went so far as openly to + associate my guileless puppy with a shortage of dried herrings + in the sergeants' mess.</p> + + <p>Passing through the E.A.M.C. transport lines I rescued + Dustbin from a hulking native mongrel wearing an identity disc. + I judged the Ambulance would not be wanting another dog; but + there was still hope with the Salvage Company.</p> + + <p>The Salvagier whom I met upon the threshold of the "billet" + (half a limber load of bricks and an angle iron) was quite sure + the Salvage Company couldn't take a dog, as they had an infant + wild boar and two fox cubs numbering on their strength; but he + thought that he could plant my prodigy with a friend of his, a + bombardier in the E.G.A., the only other unit within easy + distance. We headed for the E.G.A.</p> + + <p>It was just at this point that there occurred one of those + little incidents so dear to the comic draughtsman, but less + popular with "us." A moaning howl, a rushing hissing sound, a + moment of tense and awful silence, a devastating crash, and the + E.G.A. officers' bath-house, "erected at enormous trouble and + expense" by a handful of T.U. men and myself the day before, + soared heavenwards with an acre or two of the surrounding + scenery. "Yes," said the Salvage gentleman as he regained his + perpendicular, "as I was sayin', 'is size is in 'is favour + (you'd better git down ag'in, Corp'l)—'is size is in 'is + favour; 'e'll go in a dixie easy, or even in a—(there's + another bit orf the church)—even in a tin 'at, if you + fold 'im up, but I'm 'fraid the 'eads ain't much in favour of a + dog. Leastways the ole man I know was a member of the Cat + Club—took a lot o' prizes at the Crys'l Pala..."</p> + + <p>"I think we'd better run this little bit, Corp'l," my guide + said suddenly. It was advisable. A sprint along some two + hundred yards of what had once been a road, with a stone wall + (like a slab of <i>gruyère</i> now, alas) upon our + right, and we should once more have the comfortable feeling one + always enjoys in a "hot" village when there are houses upon + either hand. A trolley load of rations held the middle of the + road; the ration party was, I believe, in the ditch upon the + left; and a strangled voice exclaimed after each burst, "Oh + crummy! I do 'ope they don't 'it the onions."</p> + + <p>We gave our forty-seventh impersonation of a pair of + starfish, and then legged it for the apparent shelter of the + houses. At least I did; the salvage man, less squeamish, found + a haven in an adjacent cookhouse grease-trap and dust-shoot. I + listened intently, but it was only the falling of spent + shrapnel, not the patter of Dustbin's baby but quite enormous + feet. A stove-pipe belching smoke and savoury fumes protruded + itself through the pavement on my right. Through the chinks in + the gaping slabs there came the ruddy flicker that bespoke a + "home from home" beneath my feet; and then, still listening for + signs of Dustbin, I heard—</p> + + <p>"Didn't I tell you, Erb, to stop up that extra ventilation + 'ole with somethin'?—and now look wot's blown in. 'Ere, + steady on, ole man; that's got to last four men for three + days."</p> + + <p>"Well, I'm ——," chimed in another voice, "if the + bloomin' tin ain't empty. Why, I only just opened + it—that's a 'ole Maconochie 'e's got inside 'im, not + countin' wot you've just.... Poor little beggar must be + starvin'. You're welcome to stop and share our grub, young + feller, but I've got to go on p'rade wiv that—that's a + belt, that is...."</p> + + <p>I turned towards the dimly lighted road that led to + —— [Censored]. Dustbin had found a home.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A FATEFUL SESSION.</h3>SITTING HEN. "GO AWAY! DON'T + HURRY ME!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/71.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Inquiring Lady</i> (<i>ninety-ninth question</i>). + "AND WHAT ARE YOU IN THE NAVY, MAY I ASK?"</p> + + <p><i>Tar</i>. "I'M A FLAG-WAGGER, MARM—YES."</p> + + <p><i>Inquiring Lady</i>. "OH, REALLY! AND WHAT DO YOU WAG + FLAGS FOR?"</p> + + <p><i>Tar</i> (<i>in a ring-off voice</i>). "MAKIN' READY + FOR THE PEACE CELEBRATIONS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUDLARKS.</h2> + + <p>The scene is a School of Instruction at the back of the + Western Front set in a valley of green meadows bordered by + files of plumy poplars and threaded through by a silver ribbon + of water.</p> + + <p>On the lazy afternoon breeze come the concerted yells of a + bayonet class, practising frightfulness further down the + valley; also the staccato chatter of Lewis guns punching holes + in the near hill-side.</p> + + <p>In the centre of one meadow is a turf <i>manège</i>. + In the centre of the <i>manège</i> stands the villain of + the piece, the Riding-Master.</p> + + <p>He wears a crown on his sleeve, tight breeches, jack-boots, + vicious spurs and sable moustachios. His right hand toys with a + long, long whip, his left with his sable moustachios. He looks + like DIAVOLO, the lion-tamer, about to put his man-eating chums + through hoops of fire.</p> + + <p>His victims, a dozen Infantry officers, circle slowly round + the <i>manège</i>. They are mounted on disillusioned + cavalry horses who came out with WELLINGTON and know a thing or + two. Now and again they wink at the Riding-Master and he winks + back at them.</p> + + <p>The audience consists of an ancient Gaul in picturesque blue + pants, whose <i>métier</i> is to totter round the + meadows brushing flies off a piebald cow; the School Padre, who + keeps at long range so that he may see the sport without + hearing the language, and ten little <i>gamins</i>, who have + been splashing in the silver stream and are now sitting drying + on the bank like ten little toads.</p> + + <p>They come every afternoon, for never have they seen such + fun, never since the great days before the War when the circus + with the boxing kangaroo and the educated porks came to + town.</p> + + <p>Suddenly the Riding-Master clears his throat. At the sound + thereof the horses cock their ears and their riders grab + handfuls of leather and hair.</p> + + <p><i>R.-M.</i> "Now, gentlemen, mind the word. Gently away + tra-a-a-at." The horses break into a slow jog-trot and the + cavaliers into a cold perspiration. The ten little + <i>gamins</i> cheer delightedly.</p> + + <p><i>R.-M.</i> "Sit down, sit up, 'ollow yer backs, keep the + hands down backs foremost, even pace. Number Two, Sir, 'ollow + yer back; don't sit 'unched up like you'd over-ate yourself. + Number Seven, don't throw yerself about in that drunken manner, + you'll miss the saddle altogether presently, coming + down—can't expect the 'orse to catch you <i>every + time</i>.</p> + + <p>"Number Three, don't flap yer helbows like an 'en; you ain't + laid an hegg, 'ave you?</p> + + <p>"'Ollow yer backs, 'eads up, 'eels down; four feet from nose + to croup.</p> + + <p>"Number One, keep yer feet back, you'll be kickin' that + mare's teeth out, you will.</p> + + <p>"Come down off 'is 'ead, Number Seven; this ain't a monkey + 'ouse.</p> + + <p>"Keep a light an' even feelin' of both reins, backs of the + 'ands foremost, four feet from nose to croup.</p> + + <p>"Leggo that mare's tail, Number Seven; you're goin', not + comin', and any'ow that mare likes to keep 'er tail to 'erself. + You've upset 'er now, the tears is fair streamin' down 'er + face—'ave a bit of feelin' for a pore dumb beast.</p> + + <p>"'Ollow yer backs, even pace, grip with the knees, shorten + yer reins, four feet from nose to croup. Number Eight, restrain + yerself, me lad, restrain yerself, you ain't shadow-sparrin', + you know.</p> + + <p>"You too, Number Nine; if you don't calm yer action a bit + you'll burst somethin'.</p> + + <p>"Now, remember, a light feelin' of + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> the right rein and pressure + of the left leg. Ride—wa-a-alk! Ri'—tur-r-rn! + 'Alt—'pare to s'mount—s'mount! Dismount, I said, + Number Five; that means get down. No, don't dismount on the + flat of yer back, me lad, it don't look nice. Try to + remember you're an horfficer and be more dignified.</p> + + <p>"Now listen to me while I enumerate the parts of a norse in + language so simple any bloomin' fool can understand. This'll be + useful to you, for if you ever 'ave a norse to deal with and he + loses one of 'is parts you'll know 'ow to indent for a new + one.</p> + + <p>"The 'orse 'as two ends, a fore-end—so called from its + tendency to go first, and an 'ind-end or rear rank. The 'orse + is provided with two legs at each end, which can be easily + distinguished, the fore legs being straight and the 'ind legs + 'avin' kinks in 'em.</p> + + <p>"As the 'orse does seventy-five per cent. of 'is dirty work + with 'is 'ind-legs it is advisable to keep clear of 'em, rail + 'em off or strap boxing-gloves on 'em. The legs of the 'orse is + very delicate and liable to crock up, so do not try to trim off + any unsightly knobs that may appear on them with a + hand-axe—a little of that 'as been known to spoil a norse + for good.</p> + + <p>"Next we come to the 'ead. On the south side of the 'ead we + discover the mouth. The 'orse's mouth was constructed for + mincing 'is victuals, also for 'is rider to 'ang on by. As the + 'orse does the other forty-five per cent. of 'is dirty work + with 'is mouth it is advisable to stand clear of that as well. + In fact, what with his mouth at one end and 'is 'ind-legs at + t'other, the middle of the 'orse is about the only safe spot, + and <i>that is why we place the saddle there</i>. Everything in + the Harmy is done with a reason, gentlemen.</p> + + <p>"And now, Number Ten, tell me what coloured 'orse you are + ridin'?</p> + + <p>"A chestnut? No 'e ain't no chestnut and never was, no, nor + a raspberry roan neither; 'e's a bay. 'Ow often must I tell you + that a chestnut 'orse is the colour of lager beer, a brown + 'orse the colour of draught ale, and a black 'orse the colour + of stout.</p> + + <p>"And now, gentlemen, stan' to yer 'orses, 'pare to + mount—mount!</p> + + <p>"There you go, Number Seven, up one side and down the other. + Try to stop in the saddle for a minute if only for the view. + You'll get yourself 'urted one of these days dashing about all + over the 'orse like that; and 'sposing you was to break your + neck, who'd get into trouble? <i>Me</i>, not you. 'Ave a bit of + consideration for other people, please.</p> + + <p>"Now mind the word. Ride—ri'—tur-r-rn. Walk + march. Tr-a-a-at. Helbows slightly brushing the + ribs—<i>your</i> ribs, not the 'orse's, Number Three.</p> + + <p>"Shorten yer reins, 'eels down, 'eads up, 'ollow yer backs, + four feet from nose to croup.</p> + + <p>"Get off that mare's neck, Number Seven, and try ridin' in + the saddle for a change; it'll be more comfortable for + everybody.</p> + + <p>"You oughter do cowboy stunts for the movin' pictures, + Number Six, you ought really. People would pay money to see you + ride a norse upside down like that. Got a strain of wild + Cossack blood in you, eh?</p> + + <p>"There you are, now you've been and fell off. Nice way to + repay me for all the patience an' learning I've given you!</p> + + <p>"What are you lyin' there for? Day-dreaming? I s'pose you're + goin' to tell me you're 'urted now?' Be writing 'ome to Mother + about it next: 'DEAR MA,—A mad mustang 'as trod on me + stummick. Please send me a gold stripe. Your loving child, + ALGY.'</p> + + <p>"Now mind the word. Ride—Can—ter!"</p> + + <p>He cracks his whip; the horses throw up their heads and + break into a canter; the cavaliers turn pea-green about the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" + id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> chops, let go the reins and + clutch saddle-pommels.</p> + + <p>The leading horse, a rakish chestnut, finding his head free + at last and being heartily fed-up with the whole business, + suddenly bolts out of the <i>manège</i> and legs it + across the meadow, <i>en route</i> for stables and tea. His + eleven mates stream in his wake, emptying saddles as they + go.</p> + + <p>The ten little <i>gamins</i> dance ecstatically upon the + bank, waving their shirts and shrilling "<i>À Berlin! + À Berlin!</i>"</p> + + <p>The ancient Gaul props himself up against the pie-bald cow + and shakes his ancient head. "<i>C'est la guerre</i>," he + croaks.</p> + + <p>The deserted Riding-Master damns his eyes and blesses his + soul for a few moments; then sighs resignedly, takes a + cigarette from his cap lining, lights it and waddles off + towards the village and his favourite <i>estaminet</i>.</p> + + <p>PATLANDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/72.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Motor Cyclist</i>. "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT AN + AEROPLANE COMING DOWN SOMEWHERE NEAR HERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Boy.</i> "NO, SIR. I'VE ONLY BEEN SHOOTIN' AT + SPARRERS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Some of these fish have already found their way to + Leeds, and, it must be added, have not met with a very + cordial reception. Although the fish may be bought at what + might be described as an attractive price, they do not + appear likely to move for some time."—<i>Yorkshire + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But if the hot weather continues—</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/73.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/73.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Convalescent Lieutenant</i>. "CHEERIO, MARTHA! I'VE + GOT ANOTHER PIP."</p> + + <p><i>Martha</i>. "LAWKS, SIR! I 'OPE IT WON'T MEAN MORE + VISITS TO THE 'OSPITAL."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SENSES AND SENSIBILITY.</h2> + + <h3>I.</h3> + + <p><i>From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, + dramatic critic.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR VOYLE,—I am not one ordinarily to take any notice + of remarks that are overheard and reported to me; but there are + exceptions to every rule and I am making one now. I was told + this evening by a mutual friend and fellow-member that at the + Buskin Club, after lunch to-day, in the presence of a number of + men, you said that the trouble with me was that I had no sense + of humour.</p> + + <p>Considering my standing as a comedian, hitherto earning high + salaries and occupying the place I do solely by virtue of my + comic gifts (as the Press and Public unanimously agree), this + disparagement from a man wielding as much power as you do is + very damaging. Managers hearing of it as your honest opinion + might fight shy of me.</p> + + <p>I therefore ask you to withdraw the criticism with as much + publicity as it had when you defamed me by making it.</p> + + <p>Why you should have made it at all I can't imagine, for I + have often seen you laughing in your stall, and we have been + friends for many years.</p> + + <p>Believe me, yours sincerely but sorrowfully, FRED + GOLIGHTLY.</p> + + <p>II.</p> + + <p><i>From Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic, to Fred Golightly, + comedian.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR GOLIGHTLY,—You have been misinformed. I didn't + say you had no sense of humour; I said you had no sense of + honour.</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully, SINCLAIR VOYLE.</p> + + <p>III.</p> + + <p><i>From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, + dramatic critic.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR OLD CHAP,—You can't think how glad I am to have + your disclaimer. I disliked having to write to you as I did, + after so many years of good fellowship, but you must admit that + I had some provocation. It is a pretty serious thing for a man + in my position to be publicly singled out by a man in yours as + being without a sense of humour. However, your explanation puts + everything right, and all's well that ends well. Yours as ever, + FRED.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"PEACE CRANKS AND CROOKS."—<i>Evening + Standard</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The right hon. Member for Woolwich objects. He has nothing + whatever to do with Ramsayites.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" + id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span> + + <h2>JIMMY—KILLED IN ACTION.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Horses he loved, and laughter, and the sun,</p> + + <p class="i2">A song, wide spaces and the open air;</p> + + <p>The trust of all dumb living things he won,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never knew the luck too good to + share.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His were the simple heart and open hand,</p> + + <p class="i2">And honest faults he never strove to + hide;</p> + + <p>Problems of life he could not understand,</p> + + <p class="i2">But as a man would wish to die he + died.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, though he will not ride with us again,</p> + + <p class="i2">His merry spirit seems our comrade + yet,</p> + + <p>Freed from the power of weariness or pain,</p> + + <p class="i2">Forbidding us to mourn—or to + forget.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A LITERAL EPOCH.</h2> + + <p>That there rumpus i' the village laast Saturday night? Aye, + it were summat o' a rumpus, begad! Lor! there aren't bin + nothin' like it not since the time when they wuz a-gwain' to + burn th' ould parson's effigy thirty-fower year ago (but it + niver come off, because 'e up an' offered to contribute to the + expenses 'isself, an' that kind o' took the wind out on't).</p> + + <p>Ye see, Sir, there's just seven licensed 'ouses i' the + village. Disgraceful? Aye, so 'tis, begad!—on'y seven + licensed 'ouses—an' I do mind when 'twas pretty nigh one + man one pub, as the sayin' is. Howsomever, to-day there's + seven, and some goes to one and some goes to totherun.</p> + + <p>Well, laast Friday night me an' Tom Figgures an' Bertie Mayo + an' Peter Ledbetter an' a lot more on us what goes to Reuben + Izod's at The Bell, we come in to 'ave our drink. And, mind + you, pretty nigh all on us 'ad a-bin mouldin'-up taters all + day, so's to get <i>them</i> finished afore the hay; so us + could do wi' a drop. Aye, aye!</p> + + <p>Well, fust thing us knowed—no more'n a hour or two + after—Mrs. Izod was a-sayin' to old Peter Ledbetter, as + 'er set down a fresh pint for 'n, "That's the laast drop o' + beer i' the 'ouse," 'er says.</p> + + <p>"<i>Whaat</i>!" says Peter, though there warn't no call for + 'im to voice the gen'ral sentiments, 'coz you see, Sir, 'e'd + a-got the laast pint an' us 'adn't.</p> + + <p>"There's a nice drop o' cider, though," says Mrs. Izod. + "Leastways, when I says a nice drop, there's a matter o' + fifteen gallons, I dessay," 'er says.</p> + + <p>"I 'ave drunk cider at a pinch," says Bertie Mayo, + cautious-like, "and my ould father, I d' mind, 'e'd used to + drink it regular."</p> + + <p>"Ah, that 'a did!—an' mine too, and 'is father afore + 'un," says Tom Figgures; "but I reckon 'tisn't what 'twas in + them days."</p> + + <p>"Well, you may do as you'm a-minded 'bout 'avin' it," says + Mrs. Izod; "but no more ain't beer what 'twas neether, come to + that."</p> + + <p>"You'm right there, Missus," says all the rest on us.</p> + + <p>An' then Bertie Mayo, 'oo's allus a turr'ble far-seeing sort + of chap, 'e says, "Reckon the trolley 'ull be along fust thing + i' the marnin' from the brewery, Missus?" An' when Mrs. Izod + 'er says as 'er didn't know, but 'twas to be 'oped as 'twud, a + sort of a blight settled down on the lot on us, which I reckon + is a pretty fair way o' puttin' it, for a blight allus goes + 'and-in-'and wi' a drought.</p> + + <p>Well, either us finished that evenin' up on cider or us + finished the cider up that evenin'—there warn't much in + it one way or t'other. An' next day—this bit as I'm + a-tellin' you now us niver 'eard tell on till arterwards, but + I'm a-tellin' it <i>yeou</i> just as it 'appened—next + <i>daay</i> (that were Sat'rday, mind) there was a turr'ble + to-do in the arternoon, for there warn't nobbut limonade in the + house when them timber-haulin' chaps stopped to waater the + engin'. Well, you may reckon!...</p> + + <p>An' then, when us come 'ome from work, us found the door o' + The Bell shut an' locked, an' "Sold Out" wrote on a piece o' + cardboard i' the parlour winder by Reuben Izod's second child! + Begad, that was sommut if yeou like! Us stud there a-gyaupin' + an' a-gyaupin', till at last Peter Ledbetter give a kick at the + door and 'ollers out, "Whatten a gammit do 'ee call this 'ere, + Reuben Izod? 'Tis drink us waants, not tickets for the Cook'ry + Demonstration." (Turr'ble sarcastic 'e do be sometimes, Peter + Ledbetter).</p> + + <p>"I aren't got none," says Reuben from be'ind the door.</p> + + <p>"Well, cider, then," says Bertie Mayo.</p> + + <p>"Tall 'ee I aren't got narrun—beer, cider, nor + limonade—nary a drop. 'Tiddn' no manner o' good for you + chaps to stan' there. You'd best toddle along up to The Green + Dragon an' see if Mas'r Holtom've got any."</p> + + <p>Well, bein' as no one iver yet 'eard tell o' one publican + tellin' ye to go furder a-fild and get sarved by another + publican (savin' as 'twas a drunken man as 'e wanted to be shut + on), us was struck so dazed-like as us went along the road wi' + never a word. But us 'adn't got 'alfway theer afore us met + Johnnie Tarplett, Jim Peyton, and a lot more on 'em all comin' + along the road towards we.</p> + + <p>"Where be gwain'?" says Johnnie Tarplett.</p> + + <p>"Us be gwain' along to The Green Dragon to get a drop o' + drink," says Tom Figgures.</p> + + <p>"The Green Dragon's shut 'owever," says Johnnie Tarplett. + "Us was a-gwain' along—"</p> + + <p>"Aye, aye!" us sings out. "So's The Bell shut too!"</p> + + <p>Well, then us all took and went along to The Reaper, an' + <i>that</i> were shut, an' The Dovedale Arms (which is an + oncomfortably superior sort of a 'ouse, dealin' in sperrits) + was down to ginger-wine, an' The Crown and The Corner Cupboard + an' The Ploughman's Rest was all crowded out an' gettin' down + to the bottom o' the casks.</p> + + <p>An' then, when us took an' thowt as 'twould be 'ay-makin' + next week, an' dry weather all round, us stuud i' the road and + spak our thowts out.</p> + + <p>"Dom the KEYSER!" says Peter Ledbetter, to gie us a start + like.</p> + + <p>"Niver knowed sich a thing afore in all my born days," says + Bertie Mayo. "Niver knowed The Bell shut yet, not since 'twas + first opened six years afore th' ould QUEEN come to the + throne."</p> + + <p>"Reckon sich a thing niver 'appened afore i' the history o' + Dovedale parish," says Johnnie Tarplett.</p> + + <p>"Niver since WILL'UM CONQUEROR," says Jim Peyton.</p> + + <p>"Niver since NOAH 'isself," says Tom Figgures.</p> + + <p>"'Tis a nepoch, look you," says Peter Ledbetter. An' though + us didn' know what 'a meant no more'n 'a did 'isself, us were + inclined to agree wi 'm. Oh, 'tis a Greek word meanin' a + stoppage, is it? Well, if what you say be <i>trew</i>, Peter + Ledbetter was right 'owever, an' them Greeks is at the bottom + of all the trouble, as I said in The Bell five nights + ago—my son bein' at Salonika, as you do know, Sir.</p> + + <p>An' arter a bit us all went along home, all on us tryin' to + remember what us knowed about home-brewin'. An' if you + gentlefolks doan't get your washin' done praperly this wik 'tis + along o' the tubs bein' otherwise engaaged.</p> + + <p>W.B.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"By partial dissembling we are able to offer this + high-grade Car at a price within the reach of those + desiring the best."—<i>New Zealand Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At Ormskirk rejected army horses sold by auction + realised £30 to £60. The average was over + £30."—<i>Sunday Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We always like to have our sums done for us.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" + id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/75.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HOW TO UNBOOM OUR HOLIDAY RESORTS.</h3>[In view of the + official discouragement of railway-travelling something + should be done to eradicate from the minds of the public + any favourable impressions created by the posters of the + past.] + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" + id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/76.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/76.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER.</h3><i>Flapper</i>. + "OH, I'VE HEARD SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT + CAMOUFLAGE—MAKING MEN LOOK LIKE GUNS, AND GUNS LIKE + COWS, AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING. COULDN'T YOU DO SOME OF + YOUR TRICKS HERE?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE INCORRIGIBLES.</h2> + + <h3>HOW AN EXASPERATED ADJUTANT WOULD <i>LIKE</i> TO ADDRESS + THE NEW GUARD.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Guard! for I still concede to you the title,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though well I know that it is not your + due,</p> + + <p>Being devoid of everything most vital</p> + + <p class="i2">To the high charge which is imposed on + you;</p> + + <p>Listen awhile—and, Number Two, be dumb;</p> + + <p class="i2">Forbear to scratch the irritable + tress;</p> + + <p>No longer masticate the furtive gum;</p> + + <p>And, Private Pitt, stop nibbling at your thumb,</p> + + <p class="i2">And for a change attend to my + address.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Day after day I urge the old, old thesis—</p> + + <p class="i2">To reverence well the man of martial + note,</p> + + <p>Nor treat as mere sartorial caprices</p> + + <p class="i2">The mystic marks he carries on his + coat,</p> + + <p>And how to know what everybody is,</p> + + <p class="i2">The swords, the crowns, the + purple-stainéd cards,</p> + + <p>The Brigadiers concealed in Burberries,</p> + + <p>And render all those pomps and dignities</p> + + <p class="i2">Which are, of course, the <i>raison + d'être</i> of guards.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"With what avail? for never a guard is mounted</p> + + <p class="i2">That does not do some wild abhorrent + thing,</p> + + <p>Only in hushed low tones to be recounted,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lest haply hints of it should reach the + KING—</p> + + <p>Dark ugly tales of sentinels who drank,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or lost their prisoners while imbibing + tea,</p> + + <p>Or took great pains to make their minds a blank</p> + + <p>Whene'er approached by gentlemen of rank,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when reproved, presented arms to + me!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"There is no potentate in France or Flanders</p> + + <p class="i2">You will not heap with insult if you + can.</p> + + <p>For lo! a car. It is the Corps Commander's;</p> + + <p class="i2">The sentries take no notice of the + man,</p> + + <p>Or fix him with a not unkindly stare,</p> + + <p class="i2">And slap their butts in an engaging + way,</p> + + <p>Or else, too late, in penitent despair</p> + + <p>Cry, 'Guard, turn out!' and there is no guard + there,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they are in <i>The Blue + Estaminet</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Weary I am of worrying and warning;</p> + + <p class="i2">For all my toil I get it in the neck;</p> + + <p>I am fed up with it; and from this morning</p> + + <p class="i2">I shall not seek to keep your crimes in + check;</p> + + <p>Sin as you will—I shall but acquiesce;</p> + + <p class="i2">Sleep on, O sentinels—I shall not + curse;</p> + + <p>And so, maybe, from sheer contrariness</p> + + <p>Some day a guard may be a slight success;</p> + + <p class="i2">At any rate you cannot well do + worse."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>LIGHT ON THE SITUATION.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"FRONT OF CROWN PRINCE RUPPRECHT.—At night the + firing engagement slackened but little, and near Hellwerden + it again rose to very great intensity."—<i>Admiralty, + per Wireless Press, July 26th</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Readers who shared the doubt of <i>The Times</i> as to the + existence of "Hellwerden" (which doesn't appear in the maps) + will be interested to learn from one of our correspondents, who + knows it well, that it exists all right, but is only visible in + the very early morning. <i>The Times</i> of July 28th bears out + this statement.</p> + + <p>Our correspondent adds the information that "Hellwerden" is + sometimes spelt Morgendämmerung.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" + id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/77.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/77.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" + id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, July 23rd</i>.—The country awoke this + morning to find itself threatened with a first-class political + crisis and possibly a General Election to follow. Members + dwelling temporarily on the Western Front had reluctantly torn + themselves from their dug-outs on the receipt of a three-line + whip, and had repaired post-haste to Westminster.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/79-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/79-1.png" + alt="" /></a>PAPA MCKENNA LECTURES YOUNG BONAR ON + EXTRAVAGANCE.<br /> + EVEN WHEN SOWING HIS WILDEST OATS HE (PAPA) NEVER CAME + ANYWHERE NEAR SEVEN MILLION POUNDS PER DIEM. + </div> + + <p>The trouble was nominally about the agricultural labourer + and his minimum wage. Should it be twenty-five shillings, as + set down in the Corn Production Bill, or thirty shillings, as + proposed by Mr. WARDLE, the Leader of the Labour Party? The + Amendment had the assent of the hard-shell Free-Traders, who + were glad to snatch at any chance of defeating the proposed + bounty to the farmer. They had been further incensed by the + appointment of Messrs. MONTAGU and CHURCHILL to the Ministry, + and hoped perhaps that some of the extreme Tories would help + them to give the PRIME MINISTER a good hard knock.</p> + + <p>Mr. PROTHERO made it plain from the outset that the + Government meant to stand or fall by the proposal in the Bill; + and most of the friends of the agricultural labourer prudently + preferred twenty-five shillings in the hand to thirty shillings + in the bush; with the result that the amendment was defeated by + 301 to 102.</p> + + <p>Mr. HOGGE called attention to the anomalous position + occupied by Dr. ADDISON. The late Minister for Munitions and + future Minister for Reconstruction is for the moment only an + ordinary Member. Ought he not therefore to be re-elected before + taking up his new appointment? Mr. SPEAKER'S judicious reply, + "I do not appoint Ministers," left one wondering what sort of + an appearance the Treasury Bench would present if he did.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 24th</i>.—Major HUNT and Mr. KING, + though in some respects not unlike one another—each + combining a child-like belief in what they are told outside the + House with an invincible scepticism in regard to the + information they receive from Ministers inside—are rarely + found hunting in couples. But they made common cause to-day + over the alleged award of the Distinguished Service Order to + persons who had never been near the firing line, and they + refused to accept Mr. MACPHERSON'S assurance that it was only + given for service in the field. Mr. KING knew for a fact that a + gentleman in France who had only served in the Post-Office had + received it—presumably for not deserting his post; while + Major HUNT could not understand how anyone should have earned + it for fighting at home. "How has this country been attacked?" + he asked indignantly. Air-raids evidently do not count with + this gallant yeoman.</p> + + <p>Efficiency, not economy, is the PRIME MINISTER'S watchword. + Sir EDWARD CARSON as a Member of the War Cabinet will have no + portfolio, but will enjoy the not inadequate salary of five + thousand a year for what the Profession calls "a thinking + part." The new Minister of Reconstruction is to have two + thousand a year; and we shall no doubt hear shortly that he has + begun his labours by reconstructing another hotel for the + accommodation of his staff.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/79-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/79-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SECRET SERVICE IN THE HOUSE.</h3>MR. KING HAS + SUSPICIONS OF SOMETHING NEFARIOUS. + </div> + + <p>With the spirit of expansion pervading the Head of the + Government, it is not surprising that the expenditure of the + country continues to rise. The panting estimators of the + Treasury toil after it in vain. Mr. McKENNA's passionate plea + for a limit to our war-expenditure would have carried more + weight if he had shown any sign during his own time at the + Exchequer of being able to impose one. As it was, Mr. G.D. + FABER'S interjection, "Do you want to limit munitions?" quickly + reduced him to generalities. The House had to rest content with + Mr. BONAR LAW'S assurance that, though we could not go on for + ever, we could go on longer than our enemies.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, July 25th</i>.—In answer to Mr. + PEMBERTON-BILLING the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR stated that since + the outbreak of hostilities there had been forty-seven airship + raids and thirty "heavier than air" raids upon this country, + "making seventy-eight air-raids in all." It is believed that + the discrepancy is explained by Mr. BILLING'S unaccountable + omission on one occasion to make a speech.</p> + + <p>He made one to-night of prodigious length, which brought him + into personal collision with Major ARCHER-SHEE. Palace Yard was + the scene of the combat, which ended, as I understand, in + ARCHER downing PEMBERTON and BILLING sitting on SHEE. Then the + police arrived and swept up the hyphens.</p> + + <p>Opinions differ as to Mr. KING'S latest performance. Some + hold his complaint, that the Government had introduced + detectives into the precincts of the House, to have been + perfectly genuine, and point to his phrase, "I speak from + conviction," as a proof that he was trying to revenge himself + for personal inconvenience suffered at the hands of the minions + of the law. Others contend that he knew all the time the real + reason for their presence—the possibility that Sinn Fein + emissaries would greet Mr. GINNELL'S impending departure with a + display of fireworks from the Gallery.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, July 26th</i>.—Mr. GINNELL put in a + belated appearance this afternoon in order to make a dramatic + exit. But the performance lacked spontaneity. + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page80" + id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span> Indeed honourable Members, + even while they laughed, were, I think, a little saddened by + the sight of this elderly gentleman's pathetic efforts to + play the martyr.</p> + + <p>Only twenty Members agreed with Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD in + believing, or affecting to believe, that the recent resolution + of the German Reichstag was the solemn pronouncement of a + sovereign people, and that it only requires the endorsement of + the British Government to produce an immediate and equitable + peace. Not much was left of this pleasant theory after Mr. + ASQUITH had dealt it a few of his sledge-hammer blows. "So far + as we know," he said, "the influence of the Reichstag, not only + upon the composition but upon the policy of the German + Government, remains what it has always been, a practically + negligible quantity."</p> + + <p>Any faint hopes that the pacificists may have cherished of a + favourable division were destroyed by Mr. SNOWDEN in a speech + whose character may be judged by the comment passed on it by + Mr. O'GRADY, just back from Russia, that "LENIN had preached + the same doctrine in Petrograd."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE REST CURE.</h3> + + <h4>TRIBUNALS PLEASE COPY.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is understood that the French Consul at Lourenco + Marques, M. Savoye, has, owing to ill-health, asked his + Government to allow him to return to Army + duties."—<i>Cape Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady —— set the fashion of arriving at the + altar with empty hands. She is the first bride to have had + such an important wedding without the etceteras of bouquet + or prayerbook, bridesmaids, pages, or + wedding-cake."—<i>News of the World</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Far too big a handful.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"150 YEARS AGO—JULY 20, 1767.</p> + + <p>Reports of the borough treasurer of West Ham show a loss + of £41,000 on the municipal tramways and a loss of + £35,000 on the electricity + undertaking."—<i>Northampton Daily Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>So the eighteenth century was not so much behind the present + time as we had been led to believe.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Piano wanted by a lady to teach little girl to + learn."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>One of those player-pianos with the new knuckle-rapping + attachment, we suppose.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/80.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/80.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>"mopping up" captured trench</i>). "IS + THERE ANYONE DOWN THERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Voice from dug out</i>. "JA! JA! KAMERAD!"</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "THEN COME OUT HERE AND FRATERNISE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MILITARY AIDES.</h2> + + <p>Last year, owing to the pressure of other engagements, we + did not mark out the tennis-lawn at "Sunnyside." This year the + matter has been taken out of our hands by the military + powers.</p> + + <p>Nevin was the first to think of it.</p> + + <p>"What about a game of tennis?" he suggested one bright + morning in May. "Keep us from going to seed."</p> + + <p>It was his second day of leave after three months in the + Ypres salient, so the change may have been too sudden for + him.</p> + + <p>"That's a toppin' notion," echoed Bob; "let's raid 'old + Beetle's' museum and dig out the posts."</p> + + <p>So Captain Richard Nevin, R.E., and Second-Lieutenant Robert + Simpson, R.G.A., took the affair into their own hands.</p> + + <p>Having seen the same forces cooperating on previous + occasions, I determined to keep clear of them. Besides, I am + only "old Beetle."</p> + + <p>They found the posts in the tool-shed, and, borne upon the + initial enthusiasm of their venture, began to sink a sort of + winze on each side of the lawn. Up to this point they were + perfectly amicable.</p> + + <p>Then Nevin, who is a thoughtful person, said suddenly, "I + suppose you made quite sure that the line of these posts will + cross the centre of the court?" And then, before Bob could + retort, added, "Of course you ought to have made absolutely + certain of that. As it is we had better leave this and find the + corner irons."</p> + + <p>Corner irons that have remained undisturbed for some + twenty-four months have a way of concealing themselves. At the + end of ten minutes the seekers began to show signs of + impatience. Such terms as "angles," "bases," "centres," + interspersed with "futilass," "sodamsure," "knowseverything" + were cast upon a hazardous breeze.</p> + + <p>Eventually they found one of the angles. To the ordinary + layman this would have meant the beginning of the end. But + Captain Richard Nevin and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson are + made of different stuff. They scorn the easy path. They have + stores of deep knowledge to draw upon which place their + calculations beyond the ken of ordinary mortals. After they had + made a searching examination of the exhumed angle, Bob pulled + out a pencil, prostrated himself behind it and then proceeded + to gaze ecstatically over the top.</p> + + <p>I moved my chair slightly south, and pretended to regard the + apple-blossom, and when Nevin went into the house and brought + out something which dimly resembled a ship's sextant I had the + extreme presence of mind not to make any inquiries.</p> + + <p>Margery drifted up with a pink duster.</p> + + <p>"What ever are they doing?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Hush!" I whispered; "Bob has just got the range of a supply + train on the far side of the rockery, and if Nevin (Nevin is + the Crown Prince of Wurtemberg) doesn't get the longitude of + Bob's battery in the next minute or so it's all up with his + day's rations."</p> + + <p>Suddenly Bob rose and made some calculations on an old + envelope.</p> + + <p>"That means three rounds battery fire," I said, "and the + Prince loses his lunch."</p> + + <p>Not satisfied with this success, Bob went indoors and looted + the hall of <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81" + id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span> three walking-sticks and + Margery's new sunshade.</p> + + <p>"What's he going to do now?" said Margery, with one eye on + the sunshade.</p> + + <p>He walked to the far end of the lawn and manoeuvred in a + small circle. "The water-jackets are boiling," I replied, "and + they've run out of cold water. He's divining with the sunshade. + Look!"</p> + + <p>Bob suddenly drove the sunshade into the ground. There was a + sharp crack and—well, he found another iron. Of course he + tried to explain to Margery that it was an absolute accident + and he only wanted to get a sighting post; but that was mere + self-effacement, and I said so.</p> + + <p>Things began to happen quickly after this, and if Private + James Thompson had not put in an unexpected appearance they + might have completed the job without any further difference of + opinion.</p> + + <p>In the merry days before war was thrust upon us, James + Thompson was an architect of distinction. Obviously an + architect of distinction can reduce the difficulty of laying + out a tennis-court to an elementary and puerile absurdity. For + half-an-hour the demonstration was carried on in the garden, + and, after Private Thompson had twice been threatened with + arrest for using insubordinate language to a superior, it was + decided to finish the discussion in my study, assisted by the + softening influence of the Tantalus.</p> + + <p>Not for a hundred pounds would I have ventured into the + study. I picked up <i>The Gardening Gazette</i> and engrossed + myself in an interesting piece of scandal about the slug + family.</p> + + <p>Suddenly Margery appeared at the double.</p> + + <p>"Do you know," I exclaimed excitedly, "it was the wireworm + after all."</p> + + <p>"Come on," Margery panted irrelevantly, "buck up and we can + finish it before they come out again."</p> + + <p>In her hand she held a tape-measure and an official diagram + of a tennis-court.</p> + + <p>Five minutes later the experts emerged from the house.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" exclaimed Nevin aggressively, "what have you been + up to?"</p> + + <p>"Oh," I replied, flicking over a page on weed-killers, + "Margery and I thought we had better find the remainder of the + tennis-court while you were having a rest. Margery's gone for a + ball of string, and if Bob fetches the marker you can mark the + court out now."</p> + + <p>Nevin's retort was addressed solely to Private James + Thompson, who had in an unfortunate moment given way to + laughter of an unmilitary character.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/81.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BOYCOTTING THE BARD.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Contributors are particularly requested not to send + verses. They are not wanted in any circumstances and cannot + be printed, acknowledged or returned."—<i>British + Weekly, July 19th</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I once believed the "Man of Kent"</p> + + <p class="i2">To be the Muses' firm supporter</p> + + <p>And only less benevolent</p> + + <p class="i2">To bards than Mr. C.K. SHORTER.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But this untimely cruel blow</p> + + <p class="i2">Has quite irrevocably shattered</p> + + <p>The hopes which till a week ago</p> + + <p class="i2">My fondest aspirations flattered.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wounds that are dealt us by our friends</p> + + <p class="i2">Are faithful, but the name endearing</p> + + <p>Of friend is hardly his who lends</p> + + <p class="i2">And then denies the bard a hearing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How then, O brother songsters, can</p> + + <p class="i2">You take it lying down, and meekly</p> + + <p>Submit to this tyrannic ban</p> + + <p class="i2">Laid on you by <i>The British + Weekly</i>?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, no, you'll rather emulate</p> + + <p class="i2">The Minstrel Boy, and we shall find + you</p> + + <p>Storming its barred and bolted gate</p> + + <p class="i2">With reams of lyrics slung behind + you.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The time is ripe for the authorities to stop all street + traffic and to order all unauthorised persons to take cover + under penalty at the approach of the air + raiders."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Personally, as a means of shelter we prefer the coal-cellar + to any penalty.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will Mr. Russell deny that 660 million gallons of milk + were produced in Ireland last year, of which half went to + the creameries and more to the margarine factories and to + England?"—<i>Letter in Irish Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The Irish gallon would appear to be as elastic as the Irish + mile.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82" + id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span> + + <h2>"DIVISIONAL SIGNS."</h2> + + <p>The purpose of a Divisional Sign is to deceive the enemy. + Let us suppose that you belong to the 580th Division, B.E.F. + You do not put "580" on your waggons and your limbers and on + the tin-hats of your Staff. Certainly not. The enemy would know + about you if you did that. You have a secret sign, such as + tramps chalk on your wall at home, to let other tramps know + that you are a stingy devil with a dog. There are many theories + as to how these signs are chosen. One is that a committee of + officers sits <i>in camerâ</i> for forty-eight hours + without food or drink till it has decided on an arrow or a cat, + or a dandelion, rampant.</p> + + <p>Let us take it that a cat is chosen—a quiet thing in + cats—crimson on a green-and-white chess-board background. + Forthwith (as adjutants say) a crimson cat on a green-and-white + chess-board background is painted and embroidered on everything + that can be painted and embroidered on—limbers and + waggons and hand-carts and arm-bands and the tin-hats of the + Staff. And the Division goes forth as it were masked, + disguised, just like one of Mr. LE QUEUX'S diplomatist heroes + at a fancy-dress ball, wearing a domino. You perceive the + mystery of it? None of your naked numbers for us B.E.F. men. + The Division marches through a village, and the dear old Man + Who Knows, cropping up again in the army, says, "Ha! A red cat + on a green-and-white chess-board back-ground? That's the + Seventeenth Division."</p> + + <p>You see it now? The enemy agent overhears. The false news is + sent crackling through the ether to Berlin (wireless, my dear, + in the cellar, of course). The German General Staff looks up + the village on a map, and sticks into it a flag marked 17. Not + 580, mark you. And the General Staff frowns, and Majesty pushes + the ends of its moustache into its eyes at the knowledge that + the Seventeenth Division is in ——.</p> + + <p>And all the time it is in ——! And the agent + pockets his cheque. So wars are won and lost.</p> + + <p>Just conceive the romance of it. It is heraldry gone + mad.</p> + + <p>Myself, however, I incline to another theory as to the + origin of these symbols.</p> + + <p>A Higher Command enters his office. Higher Commands always + enter. The office is hung, like a studio in one of Mr. GEORGE + MORROW'S pictures, with diagrams of circles and triangles and + crosses and straight lines. The Higher Command, being a man of + like passions with ourselves, has just finished tinned Oxford + marmalade and a cigarette. He heads for the "IN" basket on his + desk and takes from it the "Arrivals and Departures" paper. + "Ha!" says he to the lady secretary, "I see six new divisions + landed yesterday." He pauses. Outside there is no sound to be + heard save the loud and continuous crash of the sentry's hand + against his rifle as he salutes the passing A.D.C.'s. "What + about signs?" says the Higher Command. The lady secretary says + nothing. She floods the carburettor of the typewriter + preparatory to thumping out "Ref. attached correspondence" on + it.</p> + + <p>The Higher Command stares at the diagrams on the wall. He is + feeling strangely light-hearted this morning. He has won five + francs at bridge the night before from the D.A.D.M.O. A.D.G.S. + And mere circles and squares have somehow lost their savour for + him. He plunges. "What about a lion?" he says.</p> + + <p>The lady secretary opens the throttle and plays a few bars + on the "cap." key.</p> + + <p>"A red lion?" says the Higher Command seductively.</p> + + <p>"It has already been done," says the lady secretary + coldly.</p> + + <p>"Who by—I mean by whom?" inquires the H.C. + indignantly.</p> + + <p>"By the Deputy Assistant Director of Higher Commands, when + you were on leave last week," she tells him.</p> + + <p>He mutters a military oath against the D.A.D.H.C. Then his + face clears.</p> + + <p>"Tigers?" he suggests hopefully.</p> + + <p>"We might do a green tiger," she says reluctantly.</p> + + <p>"With yellow stripes!" shouts the H.C.</p> + + <p>"On a mauve background," says she, warming to it.</p> + + <p>And so one division is disposed of. But it is not always so, + of course.</p> + + <p>After a Hun counter-attack, for instance, the H.C. may gaze + morosely on his geometrical figures and throw off a little + thing in triangles and St. Andrew's crosses. Or when the moon + is at the full you may have a violet allotted to you as your + symbol. One never knows. My own divisional sign, for instance, + is an iddy-umpty plain on a field plainer. We vary the heraldry + by ringing changes on the colours. On our brigade arm-band it + becomes an iddy-umpty gules on a field azure. If I could be + quite sure of the heraldic slang for puce I would tell you what + it is on our Army Corps arm-band. On a waggon it used to be an + iddy-umpty blank on a field muddy. But administrative genius + has changed all that. A routine order, the other day, ordered a + pink border to be painted round it, and this first simple essay + of the departed Morse goes now through the villages of France + in a bed of roses.</p> + + <p>We wish sometimes that our conditions were changed as easily + as our signs.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/82.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/82.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Dugal.</i> "I DOOT, TAMMAS, THERE'S + SOME INFORMEESHUN THAT MAN LLOYD GEORGE HAS GOT THAT + WE HAVENA GOT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Lord Provost will preside over the meeting at which + Mr. Churchill will speak in Dundee this afternoon.</p> + + <p>Many thousands of people are leaving Dundee for their + annual holiday."—<i>Manchester Daily + Dispatch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Alderman Domoney, in remanding at the Guildhall + to-day two boys charged with theft, said he always liked to + deal leniently with boys so young and to give the ma fresh + start in life."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not a word about the pa, you observe; yet we daresay he was + equally responsible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From the Orders of a Battalion in France:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The undermentioned N.C.O.'s and men will parade at + 10.30 a.m., bringing with them their gas-helmets and the + unexpired portion of their rations."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is surmised that this refers to the cheese-issue.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83" + id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/83.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Basil</i>. "MUMMY, AREN'T WE EXCEEDING + THE SPEED RATION?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BULLINGTON.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was in the high midsummer and the sun was shining + strong,</p> + + <p>And the lane was rather flinty and the lane was + rather long,</p> + + <p>When, up and down the gentle hills beside the + stripling Test,</p> + + <p>I chanced to come to Bullington and stayed a while + to rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was drowned in peace and quiet, as the river + reeds were drowned</p> + + <p>In the water clear as crystal, flowing by with + scarce a sound;</p> + + <p>And the air was like a posy with the sweet haymaking + smells,</p> + + <p>And the Roses and Sweet-Williams and Canterbury + Bells.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far away as some strange planet seemed the old + world's dust and din,</p> + + <p>And the trout in sun-warmed shallows hardly seemed + to stir a fin,</p> + + <p>And there's never a clock to tell you how the + hurrying world goes on</p> + + <p>In the little ivied steeple down in drowsy + Bullington.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Small and sleepy there it nestled, seeming far from + hastening Time,</p> + + <p>As a teeny-tiny village in some quaint old nursery + rhyme,</p> + + <p>And a teeny-tiny river by a teeny-tiny weir</p> + + <p>Sang a teeny-tiny ditty that I stayed a while to + hear:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh the stream runs to the river and the river to + the sea;</p> + + <p>But the reedy banks of Bullington are good enough + for me;</p> + + <p>Oh the road runs to the highway and the highway o'er + the down,</p> + + <p>But it's just as good in Bullington as mighty London + town."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then high above an aeroplane in humming flight went + by,</p> + + <p>With the droning of its engines filling all the + cloudless sky;</p> + + <p>And like the booming of a knell across that perfect + day</p> + + <p>There came the guns' dull thunder from the ranges + far away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, while I lay and listened, oh the river's sleepy + tune</p> + + <p>Seemed to change its rippling music, like the + cuckoo's stave in June,</p> + + <p>And the cannon's distant thunder and the engines' + warlike drone</p> + + <p>Seemed to mingle with its burthen in a solemn + undertone:—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh the stream runs to the river, and the river to + the sea,</p> + + <p>And there's war on land and water, and there's work + for you and me;</p> + + <p>And on many a field of glory there are gallant lives + laid down</p> + + <p>As well for sleepy Bullington as mighty London + Town."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I roused me from my daydream, for I knew the song + spoke true,</p> + + <p>That it isn't time for dreaming while there's duty + still to do;</p> + + <p>And I turned into the highroad where it meets the + flinty lane,</p> + + <p>And the world of wars and sorrows was about me once + again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84" + id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> + + <h2>REMEMBRANCE.</h2> + + <p>"Stop, Francesca," I cried. "Don't talk; don't budge; don't + blink. Give me time. I've all but—"</p> + + <p>"What <i>are</i> you up to?" she said.</p> + + <p>"There," I said, "you've done it. I had it on the tip of my + tongue, and now it has gone back for ever into the limbo of + forgotten things, and all because you couldn't keep silent for + the least little fraction of a second."</p> + + <p>"My poor dear," she said, "I <i>am</i> sorry. But why didn't + you tell me you were trying to remember something?"</p> + + <p>"That," I said, "would have been just as fatal to it. These + things are only remembered in an atmosphere of perfect silence. + The mental effort must have room to develop."</p> + + <p>"Don't tell me," she said tragically, "that I have checked + the development of a mental effort. That would be too + awful."</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "that's exactly what you <i>have</i> done, + that and nothing less. I feel just as if I'd tried to go + upstairs where there wasn't a step."</p> + + <p>"Or downstairs."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "it's equally painful and dislocating."</p> + + <p>"But you're not the only one," she said, "who's forgotten + things. I've done quite a lot in that line myself. I've + forgotten the measles and sugar and Lord RHONDDA and the Irish + trouble and your Aunt Matilda, and where I left my + <i>pince-nez</i> and what's become of the letters I received + this morning, and whom I promised to meet where and when to + talk over what. You needn't think you're the only forgetter in + the world. I can meet you on that and any other ground."</p> + + <p>"But," I said, "the thing you made me forget—"</p> + + <p>"I didn't."</p> + + <p>"You did."</p> + + <p>"No, for you hadn't remembered it."</p> + + <p>"Well, anyhow I shall put it on to you, and I want you to + realise that it's not like one of your trivialities—"</p> + + <p>"This man," said Francesca, "refers to his Aunt Matilda and + Lord RHONDDA as trivialities."</p> + + <p>"It is not," I continued inexorably, "like one of your + trivialities. It's a most important thing, and it begins with a + 'B.'"</p> + + <p>"Are you sure of that?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I'm sure it begins with a 'B'—or perhaps a 'W.' + Yes, I'm sure it's a 'W' now."</p> + + <p>"I'm going," said Francesca with enthusiasm, "to coax that + word or thing, or whatever it is, back to the tip of your + tongue and beyond it. So let's have all you know about it. + Firstly, then, it begins with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"Yes, it begins with a 'W,' and I feel it's got something to + do with Lord RHONDDA."</p> + + <p>"That doesn't help much. So far as I can see, everything now + is more or less nearly connected with Lord RHONDDA."</p> + + <p>"But my forgotten thing isn't bread or meat. It's something + remoter."</p> + + <p>"Is it Mr. KENNEDY-JONES?" said Francesca. "He's just + resigned, you know."</p> + + <p>"No, it's not Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. How could it be? Mr. + KENNEDY-JONES doesn't begin with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"If I were you, I shouldn't insist too much on that 'W.' I + should keep it in the background, for it's about ten to one + you'll find in the end that it doesn't begin with a 'W.' At any + rate we've made two short advances; we know it isn't Mr. + KENNEDY-JONES, because he doesn't begin with a 'W,' and we are + not very sure that it begins with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"Keep quiet," I said, flushing with anticipation. "I'm + getting it ... your last remark has put me on the track.... + Silence.... Ah ... it's <i>DEVONSHIRE CREAM!</i> + There—I've got it at last. I feel an overwhelming desire + for Devonshire cream."</p> + + <p>"The sort that begins with a 'W.'"</p> + + <p>"Well, it's got a 'V' in it, anyhow."</p> + + <p>"And it isn't Devonshire cream at all. It's really Cornish + cream—at least Mary Penruddock says it is."</p> + + <p>"Cornish or Devonshire, that's what I must have, if Lord + RHONDDA'S rules allow it."</p> + + <p>"All right, I'll get you a pot or two if I can. But are you + sure you won't forget it again?"</p> + + <p>"If I do," I said, "I can always remember it by the W.'"</p> + + <p>R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CHANGE CURE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The only way to make domestic service popular is for a + duchess to become a tweeny-maid."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It may be that a modern <i>Mene, Mene</i></p> + + <p>Will force the Duchess to become a tweeny;</p> + + <p>But, ere this democratic transformation</p> + + <p>Secures the "old nobility's" salvation,</p> + + <p>Some other changes are not less but more</p> + + <p>Needful to aid our progress in the War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For instance, with what rapture were we blest</p> + + <p>If Some-one gave his nimble tongue a rest</p> + + <p>And, turning Trappist, stanched the fearsome + gush</p> + + <p>Of egotistic and thrasonic slush;</p> + + <p>Or if Lord X. eschewed his daily speeches</p> + + <p>And took to canning Californian peaches;</p> + + <p>Or if egregious LYNCH could but abstain</p> + + <p>From "ruining along the illimitable inane"</p> + + <p>At Question-time, and try to render PLATO'S</p> + + <p><i>Republic</i> into Erse, or grow potatoes;</p> + + <p>Or if our novelists wrote cheerful books,</p> + + <p>Instead of joining those superfluous cooks</p> + + <p>Who spoil our daily journalistic broth</p> + + <p>By lashing it into a fiery froth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Counsels of sheer perfection, you will say,</p> + + <p>In times when ev'ry mad dog has his day,</p> + + <p>Yet none the less inviting as the theme</p> + + <p>Of a millennial visionary's dream.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And as for Duchesses turned tweeny-maids</p> + + <p>Or following other unobtrusive trades</p> + + <p>There's nothing very wonderful or new</p> + + <p>Or difficult to credit in the view;</p> + + <p>For DICKENS—whom I never fail to bless</p> + + <p>For solace in these days of storm and + stress—</p> + + <p>Found his best slavey in <i>The Marchioness</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Who invented the name "Sammies"?</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"They are 'Sammies' now, and the name probably will + stick along with 'Tommy,' 'poilu' and 'Fritz.' ... The + christening was one of those spontaneous affairs, coming + nobody knows how."—<i>Kansas City Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. Punch, ever reluctant to take credit to himself, feels + nevertheless bound to say that the suggestion of the name + "Sammies" for our American Allies appeared in his columns as + long ago as June 13th. On page 384 of that issue (after quoting + <i>The Daily News</i> as having said, "We shall want a name for + the American 'Tommies' when they come; but do not call them + 'Yankees'; they none of them like it") he wrote: "As a term of + distinction and endearment, Mr. Punch suggests + 'Sammies'—after their uncle."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"London.— —— House. Bed, breakfast + 4s., per week 24s. 6d. No other meals at present."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This should encourage the FOOD-CONTROLLER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" + id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/85.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/85.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Transport Officer</i>. "CONFOUND IT, + MAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T TEASE THE ANIMALS!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + + <p>HANSI, the Alsatian caricaturist and patriot, who escaped a + few months before the War, after being condemned by the German + courts to fifteen months' imprisonment for playing off an + innocent little joke on four German officers, and did his share + of fighting with the French in the early part of the War, is + the darling of the Boulevards. They adore his supreme skill in + thrusting the irritating lancet of his humour into bulging + excrescences on the flank of that monstrous pachyderm of + Europe, the German. <i>Professor Knatschke</i> (HODDER AND + STOUGHTON), aptly translated by Professor R.L. CREWE, is a + joyous rag. It purports to be the correspondence of a Hun + Professor, full of an egregious self-sufficiency and + humourlessness and greatly solicitous for the unhappy Alsatian + who is ignorant and misguided enough to prefer the Welsch + (<i>i.e.</i> foreign) "culture-swindle" to the glorious + paternal Kultur of the German occupation. And HANSI illustrates + his witty text with as witty and competent a pencil. HANSI has, + in effect, the full status of an Ally all by himself. He adds + out of the abundance of his heart a diary and novel by + <i>Knatschke's</i> daughter, <i>Elsa</i>, full of the artless + sentimentality of the German virgin. It is even better fun than + the Professor's part of the business. Naturally the full + flavour of both jokes must be missed by the outsider. HANSI is + the more effective in that he chuckles quietly, never guffaws + and never rails. Fun of the best.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is not much left for me to say in praise of Mr. JACK + LONDON'S dog-stories; and anyhow, if his name on the cover of + <i>Jerry of the Islands</i> (MILLS AND BOON) is not enough, no + persuasion of mine will induce you to read it. Those of us to + whom dogs are merely animals—just that—will find + this history of an Irish terrier dull enough; but others who + have in their time given their "heart to a dog to tear" will + recognise and joyously welcome Mr. LONDON'S sympathetic + understanding of his hero. <i>Jerry's</i> adventurous life as + here told was spent in the Solomon Islands, which is not, I + gather, the most civilized part of the globe. He had been + brought up to dislike niggers, and when he disliked anyone he + did not hesitate to show his feelings and his teeth. So it is + possible that for some tastes he left his marks a little too + frequently; but in the end he thoroughly justified his + inclination to indulge in what looked like unprovoked attacks + upon bare legs. For unless he had kept his teeth in by constant + practice he might never have contrived to save his beloved + master and mistress from a very cowardly and crafty attack. + Good dog, <i>Jerry</i>!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I admit that the fact of its publishers having branded + <i>The Road to Understanding</i> (CONSTABLE) as "A Pure Love + Story" did not increase the hopes with which I opened it. Let + me however hasten also to admit that half of it certainly + bettered expectation. That was the first half, in which + <i>Burke Denby</i>, the heir to (dollar) millions, romantically + defied his father and married his aunt's nursery governess, and + immediately started to live the reverse of happy-ever after. + All this, the contrast between ideals in a mansion and love in + a jerry-built villa, and the thousand ways in which <i>Mrs. + Denby</i> got upon her husband's nerves and generally blighted + his existence, are told with an excellently human and + sympathetic understanding, upon which I make my cordial + congratulations to Miss ELEANOR H. PORTER. But because the + book, however human, belongs, after all, to the category of + "Best Sellers" it appears to have been found needful to furbish + up this excellent matter with an incredible ending. That + <i>Mrs. Denby</i> should retire with her infant to Europe, in + order to educate herself to her + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" + id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span> husband's level, I did not + mind. This thing has been done before now even in real life. + But that, on returning after the lapse of years, she should + introduce the now grown-up daughter, unrecognised, as + secretary to her father! "Somehow ... you remind me + strangely.... Tell me of your parents." "My daddy ... I + never knew him." Or words to that effect. It is all there, + spoiling a tale that deserved better.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The voracious novel-reader is apt to hold detective stories + in the same regard that the Scotchman is supposed to entertain + towards whisky—some are better than others, but there are + no really bad ones. <i>The Pointing Man</i> (HUTCHINSON) is + better than most, in the first place because it takes us "east + of Suez"—a pleasant change from the four-mile radius to + which the popular sleuths of fiction mostly confine their + activities; and, secondly, because it combines a maximum of + sinister mystery with a minimum of actual bloodshed; and, + lastly, because our credulity is not strained unduly either by + the superhuman ingenuity of the hunter or an excess of + diabolical cunning on the part of the quarry. Otherwise the + story possesses the usual features. There is the clever young + detective, in whose company we expectantly scour the bazaars + and alleys of Mangadone in search of a missing boy. There are + Chinamen and Burmese, opium dens and curio shops, temples and + go-downs. Miss MARJORIE DOUIE has more than a superficial + knowledge of her stage setting, and gets plenty of movement and + colour into it. And if she has elaborated the characters and + inter-play of her Anglo-Burmese colony to an extent that is not + justified either by their connection with the plot or the + necessity of mystifying the reader we must forgive her because + she does it very well—so well indeed that we may hope to + see <i>The Pointing Man</i>, excellent as it is in its way, + succeeded by a contribution to Anglo-Oriental literature that + will do ampler justice to Miss DOUIE'S unquestionable + gifts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Our writers appear willing converts to my own favourite + theory that the public is, like a child, best pleased to hear + the tales that it already knows by heart. The latest exponent + of this is the lady who prefers to be called only "The Author + of <i>An Odd Farmhouse</i>." Her new little book, <i>Your + Unprofitable Servant</i> (WESTALL), is a record of domestic + happenings and impressions during the early phases of the War. + The thing is skilfully done, and in the result carries you with + interest from page to page; though (as I hint) the history of + those August days, when Barbarism came forth to battle and + Civilisation regretfully unpacked its holiday suit-cases, can + hardly appeal now with the freshness of revelation. Still, the + writer brings undeniable gifts to her more than twice-told + tale. She has, for example, perception and a turn of phrase + very pleasant, as when she speaks of the shops in darkened + London conducting the last hour of business under lowered + awnings, "as if it were a liaison." There are many such + rewarding passages, some perhaps a little facile, but, taken + together, quite enough to make this unpretentious little volume + a very agreeable companion for the few moments of leisure which + are all that most of us can get in these strenuous days.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I enjoyed at a pleasant sitting the whole of Mr. FRANK + SWINNERTON'S <i>Nocturne</i> (SECKER). I don't quite know (and + I don't see how the author can quite know) whether his + portraits of pretty self-willed <i>Jenny</i> and plain + love-hungry <i>Emmy</i>, the daughters of the superannuated + iron-moulder, are true to life, but they are extraordinarily + plausible. Not a word or a mood or a move in the inter-play of + five characters in four hours of a single night, the two girls + and "<i>Pa</i>," and <i>Alf</i> and <i>Keith</i>, the sailor + and almost gentleman who was <i>Jenny's</i> lover, seemed to me + out of place. The little scene in the cabin of the yacht + between <i>Jenny</i> and <i>Keith</i> is a quite brilliant + study in selective realism. Take the trouble to look back on + the finished chapters and see how much Mr. SWINNERTON has told + you in how few strokes, and you will realise the fine and + precise artistry of this attractive volume. I can see the + lights, the silver and the red glow of the wine; and I follow + the flashes and pouts and tearful pride of <i>Jenny</i>, and + <i>Keith's</i> patient, embarrassed, masterful wooing as if I + had been shamefully eavesdropping.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Fool Divine</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) stands to some + extent in a position unique among novels in that its heroine is + also its villainess, or at least the wrecker of its hero. + <i>Nevile del Varna</i>, the lady in question, is indeed the + only female character in the tale, and has therefore naturally + to work double tides. What happened was that young + <i>Christopher</i>, a superman and hero, dedicate, as a + volunteer, to the unending warfare of science against the evil + goddess of the Tropics, yellow fever, met this more human + divinity when on his journey to the scene of action, and, like + a more celebrated predecessor, "turned aside to her." Then, + naturally enough, when <i>Nevile</i> has gotten him for her + husband and when love of her has caused him to abandon his + project of self-sacrifice, she repays him with scorn. And as + the unhappy <i>Christopher</i> already scorns himself the rest + of the book (till the final chapters) is a record of + deterioration more clever than exactly cheerful. The moral of + it all being, I suppose, that if you are wedded to an ideal you + should beware of taking to yourself a mortal wife, for that + means bigamy. Incidentally the book contains some wonderfully + impressive pictures of tropical life and of the general + beastliness of existence on a rubber plantation. At the end, as + I have indicated, regeneration comes for + <i>Christopher</i>—though I will not reveal just how this + happens. There is also a subsidiary interest in the + revolutionary affairs of Cuba, which the much-employed + <i>Nevile</i> appears to manage, as a local Joan of Arc, in her + spare moments; and altogether the book can be recommended as + one that will at least take you well away from the discomforts + of here and now.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/86.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/86.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TALE OF A GREAT OFFENSIVE.</h3>"'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'LL + GET A THICK EAR!' I SEZ, 'WHO?' 'E SEZ, 'YOU!' I SEZ, 'ME?' + 'E SEZ 'YUS!' I SEZ 'HO!'" + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, August 1, 1917., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH VOL 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 12043-h.htm or 12043-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/0/4/12043/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, August 1, 1917. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 15, 2004 [EBook #12043] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH VOL 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +August 1, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Imperial aspirations of KING FERDINAND are discussed by a +Frankfort paper in an article entitled "What Bulgaria wants." +Significantly enough the ground covered is almost identical with the +subject-matter of an unpublished article of our own, entitled "What +Bulgaria won't get." + + *** + +The cow which walked down sixteen stairs into a cellar at Willesden +is said to have been the victim of a false air-raid warning. + + *** + +"In Scotland," says Mr. BARNES'S report on Industrial Unrest, "the +subject of liquor restrictions was never mentioned." Some thoughts +are too poignant for utterance. + + *** + +According to the statement of a German paper "A Partial Crisis" +threatens Austria. One of these days we feel sure something really +serious will happen to that country. + + *** + +The Medical Officer of the L.C.C. estimates that in 1916 the total +water which flowed under London Bridge was 875,000,000,000 gallons. +It is not known yet what is to be done about it. + + *** + +The Army Council has forbidden the sale of raffia in the United +Kingdom. Personally we never eat the stuff. + + *** + +Nature Notes: A white sparrow has been seen in Huntingdon; a +well-defined solar halo has been observed in Hertfordshire, and Mr. +WINSTON CHURCHILL was noticed the other day reading _The Morning +Post_. + + *** + +A boy of eighteen told the Stratford magistrate that he had given +up his job because he only got twenty-five shillings a week. He will +however continue to give the War his moral support. + + *** + +The Austrian EMPEROR has told the representative of _The Cologne +Gazette_ that he "detests war." If not true this is certainly a +clever invention on KARL'S part. + + *** + +We feel that the public need not have been so peevish because the +experimental siren air-raid warning was not heard by everybody in +London. They seem to overlook the fact that full particulars of the +warning appeared next morning in the papers. + + *** + +A man who obtained two hundred-weight of sugar from a firm of +ship-brokers has been fined ten pounds at Glasgow. Some curiosity +exists as to the number of ships he had to purchase in order to secure +that amount of sugar. + + *** + +A London magistrate has held that tea and dinner concerts in +restaurants are subject to the entertainment tax. This decision will +come as a great shock to many people who have always regarded the +music as an anaesthetic. + + *** + +The no-tablecloths order has caused great perturbation among the +better-class hotel-keepers in Berlin. Does the Government, they ask +sarcastically, expect their class of patron to wipe their mouths on +their shirt-cuffs? + + *** + +The chairman of the House of Commons' Tribunal complains that while +cats drink milk as usual they no longer catch mice. This however may +easily be remedied if the FOOD-CONTROLLER will meet them halfway on +the question of dilution. + + *** + +The public has been warned by Scotland Yard against a man calling +himself Sid Smith. We wouldn't do it ourselves, of course, but we are +strongly opposed to the police interfering in what is after all purely +a matter of personal taste. + + *** + +The bones of ST. GEORGE have been discovered near Beersheba in +Palestine by members of our Expeditionary Force. This should dispel +the popular delusion which has always ascribed the last resting-place +of England's patron saint to the present site of the Mint. + + *** + +"War bread will keep for a week," stated Mr. CLYNES for the Ministry +of Food. Of course you can keep it longer if you are collecting +curios. + + *** + +It is announced that all salaries in the German Diplomatic Service +have been reduced. We always said that frightfulness didn't really +pay. + + *** + +German women have been asked to place their hair at the disposal of +the authorities. If they do not care to sacrifice their own hair +they can just send along the handful or two which they collect in +the course of waiting in the butter queue. + + *** + +_Hamlet_ has been rendered by amateur actors at the Front, all scenery +being dispensed with. If you must dispense with one or the other, why +not leave out the acting? + + *** + +"To assist in the breaking-up of grass-land," we are told, "the Board +of Agriculture proposes to allocate a number of horses to agricultural +counties." The idea of allocating some of our incurable golfers +to this purpose does not appear to have suggested itself to our +slow-witted authorities. + + *** + +"I have resigned because there is no further need for my services," +said Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. Several politicians are of the opinion that +this was not a valid reason. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First ex-Knut_. "WOULDN'T CARE TO BE IN BLIGHTY NOW, +REG., WHEN IT'S ROTTEN FORM TO GO IN FOR FANCY TEAS AND THAT--WHAT?" + +_Second ex-Knut_. "HONK!"] + + * * * * * + +AN EXPANSIVE SMILE. + + "SIX HUNDRED SQUARE MILES. BRITISH GAINS SINCE LAST + YEAR."--_The Statesman_ (_India_). + + * * * * * + +The _Berlin Tageblatt_ says that HERR MIHAELIS in the critical +passages measured his words "as carefully as if they were meat +rations." A wise precaution, in view of the likelihood that he +would have to eat them. + + * * * * * + +From a Cinema advertisement:-- + + "KEEPS YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS THROUGHOUT THE FIVE ACTS + OF A STORY THAT UNFOLDS ITSELF MIDST THE ROMANTIC PURLOINS OF + ITALY AND ENGLAND."--_Austrian Paper_. + +We gather that the scene is laid in the thieves' quarter. + + * * * * * + +TO WILLIAM AT THE BACK OF THE GALICIAN FRONT. + + Once more you follow in Bellona's train, + (Her train de luxe) in search of cheap reclame; + Once more you flaunt your rearward oriflamme, + A valiant eagle nosing out the slain. + + Not to the West, where RUPPRECHT stands at bay, + Hard pushed with hounds of England at his throat, + And WILLIE'S chance grows more and more remote + Of breaking hearts along The Ladies' Way; + + But to the East you go, for easier game, + Where traitors to their faith desert the fight, + And better men than yours are swept in flight + By coward Anarchy that sells her shame. + + For here, by favour of your new allies, + You'll see recovered all you lost of late, + When, tried in open combat, fair and straight, + Your Huns were flattened out like swatted flies. + + Well, make the most of this so timely boom, + For Russia yet may cut the cancer out-- + Her heart is big enough--and turn about + Clean-limbed and strong and terrible as doom. + + But, though she fail us in the final test, + Not there, not there, my child, the end shall be, + But where, without your option, France and we + Have made our own arrangements further West. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +DUSTBIN. + +He dropped in to tea, quite casually; forced an entry through the mud +wall of our barn, in fact. No, he wouldn't sit down--expected to be +leaving in a few minutes; but he didn't mind if he did have a sardine, +and helped himself to the tinful. Yes, a bit of bully, thanks, +wouldn't be amiss; and a nice piece of coal; cockchafers very good too +when, as now, in season; and, for savoury, a little nibble with a yard +of tarred string and an empty cardboard cigarette-box. Thank you very +much. + +"Why, the little brute's a perfect dustbin," said my mate; and +"Dustbin" the puppy was throughout his stay with us. + +For six weeks did Dustbin--attached for rations and +discipline--accompany us on our sanitary rounds; set us a fine example +of indifference to shell fire, even to the extent of attempting +to catch spent shrapnel as it fell; and proved the wettest of wet +blankets to the "socials" of the local rats. Then, as happens with +sanitary inspectors in France, there arrived late one afternoon +a despatch requesting the pleasure of my society--in five hours' +time--at a village some twenty kilos distant as the shell flies. I +found I should have fifteen minutes in which to pack, four hours for +my journey, and forty-five minutes between the packing and the start +in which to find a home for Dustbin. + +"Take the little dorg off you?" said a Sergeant acquaintance in the +D.A.C. "I couldn't, Corp'l. Why, I don't even know how I'm goin' to +take the foal yonder"--he glared reproachfully at a placid Clydesdale +mare and her tottering one-day-old; "and 'ow I'm goin' to take my posh +breeches--" + +I left him hovering despondently over his equipment and a pile of +dirty linen. + +We tried the M.G.C. We were on the best of terms and always had been; +they said so. They apologised in advance for the insanitary conditions +I might find; inquired after my health; offered me some coffee and +generally loved me; but they couldn't love my dog. The Cook even went +so far as openly to associate my guileless puppy with a shortage of +dried herrings in the sergeants' mess. + +Passing through the E.A.M.C. transport lines I rescued Dustbin from +a hulking native mongrel wearing an identity disc. I judged the +Ambulance would not be wanting another dog; but there was still hope +with the Salvage Company. + +The Salvagier whom I met upon the threshold of the "billet" (half a +limber load of bricks and an angle iron) was quite sure the Salvage +Company couldn't take a dog, as they had an infant wild boar and two +fox cubs numbering on their strength; but he thought that he could +plant my prodigy with a friend of his, a bombardier in the E.G.A., +the only other unit within easy distance. We headed for the E.G.A. + +It was just at this point that there occurred one of those little +incidents so dear to the comic draughtsman, but less popular with +"us." A moaning howl, a rushing hissing sound, a moment of tense +and awful silence, a devastating crash, and the E.G.A. officers' +bath-house, "erected at enormous trouble and expense" by a handful of +T.U. men and myself the day before, soared heavenwards with an acre +or two of the surrounding scenery. "Yes," said the Salvage gentleman +as he regained his perpendicular, "as I was sayin', 'is size is in +'is favour (you'd better git down ag'in, Corp'l)--'is size is in 'is +favour; 'e'll go in a dixie easy, or even in a--(there's another bit +orf the church)--even in a tin 'at, if you fold 'im up, but I'm 'fraid +the 'eads ain't much in favour of a dog. Leastways the ole man I +know was a member of the Cat Club--took a lot o' prizes at the Crys'l +Pala..." + +"I think we'd better run this little bit, Corp'l," my guide said +suddenly. It was advisable. A sprint along some two hundred yards +of what had once been a road, with a stone wall (like a slab of +_gruyere_ now, alas) upon our right, and we should once more have the +comfortable feeling one always enjoys in a "hot" village when there +are houses upon either hand. A trolley load of rations held the middle +of the road; the ration party was, I believe, in the ditch upon the +left; and a strangled voice exclaimed after each burst, "Oh crummy! I +do 'ope they don't 'it the onions." + +We gave our forty-seventh impersonation of a pair of starfish, and +then legged it for the apparent shelter of the houses. At least I +did; the salvage man, less squeamish, found a haven in an adjacent +cookhouse grease-trap and dust-shoot. I listened intently, but it was +only the falling of spent shrapnel, not the patter of Dustbin's baby +but quite enormous feet. A stove-pipe belching smoke and savoury fumes +protruded itself through the pavement on my right. Through the chinks +in the gaping slabs there came the ruddy flicker that bespoke a "home +from home" beneath my feet; and then, still listening for signs of +Dustbin, I heard-- + +"Didn't I tell you, Erb, to stop up that extra ventilation 'ole with +somethin'?--and now look wot's blown in. 'Ere, steady on, ole man; +that's got to last four men for three days." + +"Well, I'm ----," chimed in another voice, "if the bloomin' tin ain't +empty. Why, I only just opened it--that's a 'ole Maconochie 'e's got +inside 'im, not countin' wot you've just.... Poor little beggar must +be starvin'. You're welcome to stop and share our grub, young feller, +but I've got to go on p'rade wiv that--that's a belt, that is...." + +I turned towards the dimly lighted road that led to ---- [Censored]. +Dustbin had found a home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FATEFUL SESSION. + +SITTING HEN. "GO AWAY! DON'T HURRY ME!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Inquiring Lady_ (_ninety-ninth question_). "AND WHAT +ARE YOU IN THE NAVY, MAY I ASK?" + +_Tar_. "I'M A FLAG-WAGGER, MARM--YES." + +_Inquiring Lady_. "OH, REALLY! AND WHAT DO YOU WAG FLAGS FOR?" + +_Tar_ (_in a ring-off voice_). "MAKIN' READY FOR THE PEACE +CELEBRATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUDLARKS. + +The scene is a School of Instruction at the back of the Western Front +set in a valley of green meadows bordered by files of plumy poplars +and threaded through by a silver ribbon of water. + +On the lazy afternoon breeze come the concerted yells of a bayonet +class, practising frightfulness further down the valley; also the +staccato chatter of Lewis guns punching holes in the near hill-side. + +In the centre of one meadow is a turf _manege_. In the centre of the +_manege_ stands the villain of the piece, the Riding-Master. + +He wears a crown on his sleeve, tight breeches, jack-boots, vicious +spurs and sable moustachios. His right hand toys with a long, long +whip, his left with his sable moustachios. He looks like DIAVOLO, the +lion-tamer, about to put his man-eating chums through hoops of fire. + +His victims, a dozen Infantry officers, circle slowly round the +_manege_. They are mounted on disillusioned cavalry horses who came +out with WELLINGTON and know a thing or two. Now and again they wink +at the Riding-Master and he winks back at them. + +The audience consists of an ancient Gaul in picturesque blue pants, +whose _metier_ is to totter round the meadows brushing flies off a +piebald cow; the School Padre, who keeps at long range so that he may +see the sport without hearing the language, and ten little _gamins_, +who have been splashing in the silver stream and are now sitting +drying on the bank like ten little toads. + +They come every afternoon, for never have they seen such fun, never +since the great days before the War when the circus with the boxing +kangaroo and the educated porks came to town. + +Suddenly the Riding-Master clears his throat. At the sound thereof the +horses cock their ears and their riders grab handfuls of leather and +hair. + +_R.-M._ "Now, gentlemen, mind the word. Gently away tra-a-a-at." +The horses break into a slow jog-trot and the cavaliers into a cold +perspiration. The ten little _gamins_ cheer delightedly. + +_R.-M._ "Sit down, sit up, 'ollow yer backs, keep the hands down +backs foremost, even pace. Number Two, Sir, 'ollow yer back; don't +sit 'unched up like you'd over-ate yourself. Number Seven, don't +throw yerself about in that drunken manner, you'll miss the saddle +altogether presently, coming down--can't expect the 'orse to catch +you _every time_. + +"Number Three, don't flap yer helbows like an 'en; you ain't laid an +hegg, 'ave you? + +"'Ollow yer backs, 'eads up, 'eels down; four feet from nose to croup. + +"Number One, keep yer feet back, you'll be kickin' that mare's teeth +out, you will. + +"Come down off 'is 'ead, Number Seven; this ain't a monkey 'ouse. + +"Keep a light an' even feelin' of both reins, backs of the 'ands +foremost, four feet from nose to croup. + +"Leggo that mare's tail, Number Seven; you're goin', not comin', and +any'ow that mare likes to keep 'er tail to 'erself. You've upset 'er +now, the tears is fair streamin' down 'er face--'ave a bit of feelin' +for a pore dumb beast. + +"'Ollow yer backs, even pace, grip with the knees, shorten yer reins, +four feet from nose to croup. Number Eight, restrain yerself, me lad, +restrain yerself, you ain't shadow-sparrin', you know. + +"You too, Number Nine; if you don't calm yer action a bit you'll burst +somethin'. + +"Now, remember, a light feelin' of the right rein and pressure +of the left leg. Ride--wa-a-alk! Ri'--tur-r-rn! 'Alt--'pare to +s'mount--s'mount! Dismount, I said, Number Five; that means get down. +No, don't dismount on the flat of yer back, me lad, it don't look +nice. Try to remember you're an horfficer and be more dignified. + +"Now listen to me while I enumerate the parts of a norse in language +so simple any bloomin' fool can understand. This'll be useful to you, +for if you ever 'ave a norse to deal with and he loses one of 'is +parts you'll know 'ow to indent for a new one. + +"The 'orse 'as two ends, a fore-end--so called from its tendency to +go first, and an 'ind-end or rear rank. The 'orse is provided with +two legs at each end, which can be easily distinguished, the fore legs +being straight and the 'ind legs 'avin' kinks in 'em. + +"As the 'orse does seventy-five per cent. of 'is dirty work with 'is +'ind-legs it is advisable to keep clear of 'em, rail 'em off or strap +boxing-gloves on 'em. The legs of the 'orse is very delicate and +liable to crock up, so do not try to trim off any unsightly knobs that +may appear on them with a hand-axe--a little of that 'as been known to +spoil a norse for good. + +"Next we come to the 'ead. On the south side of the 'ead we discover +the mouth. The 'orse's mouth was constructed for mincing 'is victuals, +also for 'is rider to 'ang on by. As the 'orse does the other +forty-five per cent. of 'is dirty work with 'is mouth it is advisable +to stand clear of that as well. In fact, what with his mouth at one +end and 'is 'ind-legs at t'other, the middle of the 'orse is about +the only safe spot, and _that is why we place the saddle there_. +Everything in the Harmy is done with a reason, gentlemen. + +"And now, Number Ten, tell me what coloured 'orse you are ridin'? + +"A chestnut? No 'e ain't no chestnut and never was, no, nor a +raspberry roan neither; 'e's a bay. 'Ow often must I tell you that +a chestnut 'orse is the colour of lager beer, a brown 'orse the +colour of draught ale, and a black 'orse the colour of stout. + +"And now, gentlemen, stan' to yer 'orses, 'pare to mount--mount! + +"There you go, Number Seven, up one side and down the other. Try +to stop in the saddle for a minute if only for the view. You'll get +yourself 'urted one of these days dashing about all over the 'orse +like that; and 'sposing you was to break your neck, who'd get into +trouble? _Me_, not you. 'Ave a bit of consideration for other people, +please. + +"Now mind the word. Ride--ri'--tur-r-rn. Walk march. Tr-a-a-at. +Helbows slightly brushing the ribs--_your_ ribs, not the 'orse's, +Number Three. + +"Shorten yer reins, 'eels down, 'eads up, 'ollow yer backs, four feet +from nose to croup. + +"Get off that mare's neck, Number Seven, and try ridin' in the saddle +for a change; it'll be more comfortable for everybody. + +"You oughter do cowboy stunts for the movin' pictures, Number Six, you +ought really. People would pay money to see you ride a norse upside +down like that. Got a strain of wild Cossack blood in you, eh? + +"There you are, now you've been and fell off. Nice way to repay me for +all the patience an' learning I've given you! + +"What are you lyin' there for? Day-dreaming? I s'pose you're goin' to +tell me you're 'urted now?' Be writing 'ome to Mother about it next: +'DEAR MA,--A mad mustang 'as trod on me stummick. Please send me a +gold stripe. Your loving child, ALGY.' + +"Now mind the word. Ride--Can--ter!" + +He cracks his whip; the horses throw up their heads and break into a +canter; the cavaliers turn pea-green about the chops, let go the reins +and clutch saddle-pommels. + +The leading horse, a rakish chestnut, finding his head free at last +and being heartily fed-up with the whole business, suddenly bolts out +of the _manege_ and legs it across the meadow, _en route_ for stables +and tea. His eleven mates stream in his wake, emptying saddles as they +go. + +The ten little _gamins_ dance ecstatically upon the bank, waving their +shirts and shrilling "_A Berlin! A Berlin!_" + +The ancient Gaul props himself up against the pie-bald cow and shakes +his ancient head. "_C'est la guerre_," he croaks. + +The deserted Riding-Master damns his eyes and blesses his soul for +a few moments; then sighs resignedly, takes a cigarette from his +cap lining, lights it and waddles off towards the village and his +favourite _estaminet_. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Cyclist_. "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT AN +AEROPLANE COMING DOWN SOMEWHERE NEAR HERE?" + +_Boy._ "NO, SIR. I'VE ONLY BEEN SHOOTIN' AT SPARRERS."] + + * * * * * + + "Some of these fish have already found their way to Leeds, + and, it must be added, have not met with a very cordial + reception. Although the fish may be bought at what might be + described as an attractive price, they do not appear likely + to move for some time."--_Yorkshire Paper_. + +But if the hot weather continues-- + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Convalescent Lieutenant_. "CHEERIO, MARTHA! I'VE GOT +ANOTHER PIP." + +_Martha_. "LAWKS, SIR! I 'OPE IT WON'T MEAN MORE VISITS TO THE +'OSPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +SENSES AND SENSIBILITY. + +I. + +_From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic._ + +DEAR VOYLE,--I am not one ordinarily to take any notice of remarks +that are overheard and reported to me; but there are exceptions to +every rule and I am making one now. I was told this evening by a +mutual friend and fellow-member that at the Buskin Club, after lunch +to-day, in the presence of a number of men, you said that the trouble +with me was that I had no sense of humour. + +Considering my standing as a comedian, hitherto earning high salaries +and occupying the place I do solely by virtue of my comic gifts (as +the Press and Public unanimously agree), this disparagement from a man +wielding as much power as you do is very damaging. Managers hearing of +it as your honest opinion might fight shy of me. + +I therefore ask you to withdraw the criticism with as much publicity +as it had when you defamed me by making it. + +Why you should have made it at all I can't imagine, for I have often +seen you laughing in your stall, and we have been friends for many +years. + +Believe me, yours sincerely but sorrowfully, FRED GOLIGHTLY. + +II. + +_From Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic, to Fred Golightly, comedian._ + +DEAR GOLIGHTLY,--You have been misinformed. I didn't say you had no +sense of humour; I said you had no sense of honour. + +Yours faithfully, SINCLAIR VOYLE. + +III. + +_From Fred Golightly, comedian, to Sinclair Voyle, dramatic critic._ + +DEAR OLD CHAP,--You can't think how glad I am to have your disclaimer. +I disliked having to write to you as I did, after so many years of +good fellowship, but you must admit that I had some provocation. It is +a pretty serious thing for a man in my position to be publicly singled +out by a man in yours as being without a sense of humour. However, +your explanation puts everything right, and all's well that ends well. +Yours as ever, FRED. + + * * * * * + + "PEACE CRANKS AND CROOKS."--_Evening Standard_. + +The right hon. Member for Woolwich objects. He has nothing whatever to +do with Ramsayites. + + * * * * * + +JIMMY--KILLED IN ACTION. + + Horses he loved, and laughter, and the sun, + A song, wide spaces and the open air; + The trust of all dumb living things he won, + And never knew the luck too good to share. + + His were the simple heart and open hand, + And honest faults he never strove to hide; + Problems of life he could not understand, + But as a man would wish to die he died. + + Now, though he will not ride with us again, + His merry spirit seems our comrade yet, + Freed from the power of weariness or pain, + Forbidding us to mourn--or to forget. + + * * * * * + +A LITERAL EPOCH. + +That there rumpus i' the village laast Saturday night? Aye, it were +summat o' a rumpus, begad! Lor! there aren't bin nothin' like it +not since the time when they wuz a-gwain' to burn th' ould parson's +effigy thirty-fower year ago (but it niver come off, because 'e up an' +offered to contribute to the expenses 'isself, an' that kind o' took +the wind out on't). + +Ye see, Sir, there's just seven licensed 'ouses i' the village. +Disgraceful? Aye, so 'tis, begad!--on'y seven licensed 'ouses--an' +I do mind when 'twas pretty nigh one man one pub, as the sayin' is. +Howsomever, to-day there's seven, and some goes to one and some goes +to totherun. + +Well, laast Friday night me an' Tom Figgures an' Bertie Mayo an' Peter +Ledbetter an' a lot more on us what goes to Reuben Izod's at The Bell, +we come in to 'ave our drink. And, mind you, pretty nigh all on us 'ad +a-bin mouldin'-up taters all day, so's to get _them_ finished afore +the hay; so us could do wi' a drop. Aye, aye! + +Well, fust thing us knowed--no more'n a hour or two after--Mrs. Izod +was a-sayin' to old Peter Ledbetter, as 'er set down a fresh pint for +'n, "That's the laast drop o' beer i' the 'ouse," 'er says. + +"_Whaat_!" says Peter, though there warn't no call for 'im to voice +the gen'ral sentiments, 'coz you see, Sir, 'e'd a-got the laast pint +an' us 'adn't. + +"There's a nice drop o' cider, though," says Mrs. Izod. "Leastways, +when I says a nice drop, there's a matter o' fifteen gallons, I +dessay," 'er says. + +"I 'ave drunk cider at a pinch," says Bertie Mayo, cautious-like, "and +my ould father, I d' mind, 'e'd used to drink it regular." + +"Ah, that 'a did!--an' mine too, and 'is father afore 'un," says Tom +Figgures; "but I reckon 'tisn't what 'twas in them days." + +"Well, you may do as you'm a-minded 'bout 'avin' it," says Mrs. Izod; +"but no more ain't beer what 'twas neether, come to that." + +"You'm right there, Missus," says all the rest on us. + +An' then Bertie Mayo, 'oo's allus a turr'ble far-seeing sort of chap, +'e says, "Reckon the trolley 'ull be along fust thing i' the marnin' +from the brewery, Missus?" An' when Mrs. Izod 'er says as 'er didn't +know, but 'twas to be 'oped as 'twud, a sort of a blight settled down +on the lot on us, which I reckon is a pretty fair way o' puttin' it, +for a blight allus goes 'and-in-'and wi' a drought. + +Well, either us finished that evenin' up on cider or us finished the +cider up that evenin'--there warn't much in it one way or t'other. +An' next day--this bit as I'm a-tellin' you now us niver 'eard tell on +till arterwards, but I'm a-tellin' it _yeou_ just as it 'appened--next +_daay_ (that were Sat'rday, mind) there was a turr'ble to-do in the +arternoon, for there warn't nobbut limonade in the house when them +timber-haulin' chaps stopped to waater the engin'. Well, you may +reckon!... + +An' then, when us come 'ome from work, us found the door o' The Bell +shut an' locked, an' "Sold Out" wrote on a piece o' cardboard i' the +parlour winder by Reuben Izod's second child! Begad, that was sommut +if yeou like! Us stud there a-gyaupin' an' a-gyaupin', till at last +Peter Ledbetter give a kick at the door and 'ollers out, "Whatten a +gammit do 'ee call this 'ere, Reuben Izod? 'Tis drink us waants, not +tickets for the Cook'ry Demonstration." (Turr'ble sarcastic 'e do be +sometimes, Peter Ledbetter). + +"I aren't got none," says Reuben from be'ind the door. + +"Well, cider, then," says Bertie Mayo. + +"Tall 'ee I aren't got narrun--beer, cider, nor limonade--nary a drop. +'Tiddn' no manner o' good for you chaps to stan' there. You'd best +toddle along up to The Green Dragon an' see if Mas'r Holtom've got +any." + +Well, bein' as no one iver yet 'eard tell o' one publican tellin' +ye to go furder a-fild and get sarved by another publican (savin' +as 'twas a drunken man as 'e wanted to be shut on), us was struck so +dazed-like as us went along the road wi' never a word. But us 'adn't +got 'alfway theer afore us met Johnnie Tarplett, Jim Peyton, and a +lot more on 'em all comin' along the road towards we. + +"Where be gwain'?" says Johnnie Tarplett. + +"Us be gwain' along to The Green Dragon to get a drop o' drink," says +Tom Figgures. + +"The Green Dragon's shut 'owever," says Johnnie Tarplett. "Us was +a-gwain' along--" + +"Aye, aye!" us sings out. "So's The Bell shut too!" + +Well, then us all took and went along to The Reaper, an' _that_ were +shut, an' The Dovedale Arms (which is an oncomfortably superior sort +of a 'ouse, dealin' in sperrits) was down to ginger-wine, an' The +Crown and The Corner Cupboard an' The Ploughman's Rest was all crowded +out an' gettin' down to the bottom o' the casks. + +An' then, when us took an' thowt as 'twould be 'ay-makin' next week, +an' dry weather all round, us stuud i' the road and spak our thowts +out. + +"Dom the KEYSER!" says Peter Ledbetter, to gie us a start like. + +"Niver knowed sich a thing afore in all my born days," says Bertie +Mayo. "Niver knowed The Bell shut yet, not since 'twas first opened +six years afore th' ould QUEEN come to the throne." + +"Reckon sich a thing niver 'appened afore i' the history o' Dovedale +parish," says Johnnie Tarplett. + +"Niver since WILL'UM CONQUEROR," says Jim Peyton. + +"Niver since NOAH 'isself," says Tom Figgures. + +"'Tis a nepoch, look you," says Peter Ledbetter. An' though us didn' +know what 'a meant no more'n 'a did 'isself, us were inclined to agree +wi 'm. Oh, 'tis a Greek word meanin' a stoppage, is it? Well, if what +you say be _trew_, Peter Ledbetter was right 'owever, an' them Greeks +is at the bottom of all the trouble, as I said in The Bell five nights +ago--my son bein' at Salonika, as you do know, Sir. + +An' arter a bit us all went along home, all on us tryin' to remember +what us knowed about home-brewin'. An' if you gentlefolks doan't +get your washin' done praperly this wik 'tis along o' the tubs bein' +otherwise engaaged. + +W.B. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "By partial dissembling we are able to offer this high-grade + Car at a price within the reach of those desiring the + best."--_New Zealand Herald_. + + * * * * * + + "At Ormskirk rejected army horses sold by auction realised + L30 to L60. The average was over L30."--_Sunday Chronicle_. + +We always like to have our sums done for us. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO UNBOOM OUR HOLIDAY RESORTS. + +[Illustration: BEACHVILLE IS _TOO_ BRACING! + +If you have a LIVER, BEACHVILLE will make you feel ABSOLUTELY ROTTEN! + +If you have not, BEACHVILLE will give you one within 24 HOURS!] + +[Illustration: CHALKCLIFFE NO PLACE FOR CHILDREN + +Children who do not fall off the cliffs invariably catch measles. + +Many do _both_.] + +[Illustration: SHRIMPINGTON THE GRAND(!) PARADE ON A WET DAY + +STATISTICS show that the AVERAGE RAINFALL at SHRIMPINGTON is HIGHER +than that at _any_ other watering-place in the United Kingdom.] + +[Illustration: BARWASH For BEASTLY BATHING from a BEACH of BROKEN +BOTTLES + +If this doesn't put you off, write to the Town Clerk for the Medical +Officer's report on the Town Water Supply.] + +[In view of the official discouragement of railway-travelling +something should be done to eradicate from the minds of the public +any favourable impressions created by the posters of the past.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER. + +_Flapper_. "OH, I'VE HEARD SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT +CAMOUFLAGE--MAKING MEN LOOK LIKE GUNS, AND GUNS LIKE COWS, AND ALL +THAT SORT OF THING. COULDN'T YOU DO SOME OF YOUR TRICKS HERE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRIGIBLES. + +HOW AN EXASPERATED ADJUTANT WOULD _LIKE_ TO ADDRESS THE NEW GUARD. + + "Guard! for I still concede to you the title, + Though well I know that it is not your due, + Being devoid of everything most vital + To the high charge which is imposed on you; + Listen awhile--and, Number Two, be dumb; + Forbear to scratch the irritable tress; + No longer masticate the furtive gum; + And, Private Pitt, stop nibbling at your thumb, + And for a change attend to my address. + + "Day after day I urge the old, old thesis-- + To reverence well the man of martial note, + Nor treat as mere sartorial caprices + The mystic marks he carries on his coat, + And how to know what everybody is, + The swords, the crowns, the purple-stained cards, + The Brigadiers concealed in Burberries, + And render all those pomps and dignities + Which are, of course, the _raison d'etre_ of guards. + + "With what avail? for never a guard is mounted + That does not do some wild abhorrent thing, + Only in hushed low tones to be recounted, + Lest haply hints of it should reach the KING-- + Dark ugly tales of sentinels who drank, + Or lost their prisoners while imbibing tea, + Or took great pains to make their minds a blank + Whene'er approached by gentlemen of rank, + And, when reproved, presented arms to me! + + "There is no potentate in France or Flanders + You will not heap with insult if you can. + For lo! a car. It is the Corps Commander's; + The sentries take no notice of the man, + Or fix him with a not unkindly stare, + And slap their butts in an engaging way, + Or else, too late, in penitent despair + Cry, 'Guard, turn out!' and there is no guard there, + But they are in _The Blue Estaminet_. + + "Weary I am of worrying and warning; + For all my toil I get it in the neck; + I am fed up with it; and from this morning + I shall not seek to keep your crimes in check; + Sin as you will--I shall but acquiesce; + Sleep on, O sentinels--I shall not curse; + And so, maybe, from sheer contrariness + Some day a guard may be a slight success; + At any rate you cannot well do worse." + + * * * * * + +LIGHT ON THE SITUATION. + + "FRONT OF CROWN PRINCE RUPPRECHT.--At night the firing + engagement slackened but little, and near Hellwerden it + again rose to very great intensity."--_Admiralty, per + Wireless Press, July 26th_. + +Readers who shared the doubt of _The Times_ as to the existence of +"Hellwerden" (which doesn't appear in the maps) will be interested +to learn from one of our correspondents, who knows it well, that it +exists all right, but is only visible in the very early morning. _The +Times_ of July 28th bears out this statement. + +Our correspondent adds the information that "Hellwerden" is sometimes +spelt Morgendaemmerung. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 23rd_.--The country awoke this morning to find itself +threatened with a first-class political crisis and possibly a General +Election to follow. Members dwelling temporarily on the Western Front +had reluctantly torn themselves from their dug-outs on the receipt of +a three-line whip, and had repaired post-haste to Westminster. + +[Illustration: PAPA MCKENNA LECTURES YOUNG BONAR ON EXTRAVAGANCE. EVEN +WHEN SOWING HIS WILDEST OATS HE (PAPA) NEVER CAME ANYWHERE NEAR SEVEN +MILLION POUNDS PER DIEM.] + +The trouble was nominally about the agricultural labourer and his +minimum wage. Should it be twenty-five shillings, as set down in the +Corn Production Bill, or thirty shillings, as proposed by Mr. WARDLE, +the Leader of the Labour Party? The Amendment had the assent of the +hard-shell Free-Traders, who were glad to snatch at any chance of +defeating the proposed bounty to the farmer. They had been further +incensed by the appointment of Messrs. MONTAGU and CHURCHILL to the +Ministry, and hoped perhaps that some of the extreme Tories would help +them to give the PRIME MINISTER a good hard knock. + +Mr. PROTHERO made it plain from the outset that the Government meant +to stand or fall by the proposal in the Bill; and most of the friends +of the agricultural labourer prudently preferred twenty-five shillings +in the hand to thirty shillings in the bush; with the result that the +amendment was defeated by 301 to 102. + +Mr. HOGGE called attention to the anomalous position occupied by +Dr. ADDISON. The late Minister for Munitions and future Minister for +Reconstruction is for the moment only an ordinary Member. Ought he not +therefore to be re-elected before taking up his new appointment? Mr. +SPEAKER'S judicious reply, "I do not appoint Ministers," left one +wondering what sort of an appearance the Treasury Bench would present +if he did. + +_Tuesday, July 24th_.--Major HUNT and Mr. KING, though in some +respects not unlike one another--each combining a child-like belief +in what they are told outside the House with an invincible scepticism +in regard to the information they receive from Ministers inside--are +rarely found hunting in couples. But they made common cause to-day +over the alleged award of the Distinguished Service Order to persons +who had never been near the firing line, and they refused to accept +Mr. MACPHERSON'S assurance that it was only given for service in the +field. Mr. KING knew for a fact that a gentleman in France who had +only served in the Post-Office had received it--presumably for not +deserting his post; while Major HUNT could not understand how anyone +should have earned it for fighting at home. "How has this country been +attacked?" he asked indignantly. Air-raids evidently do not count with +this gallant yeoman. + +Efficiency, not economy, is the PRIME MINISTER'S watchword. Sir EDWARD +CARSON as a Member of the War Cabinet will have no portfolio, but will +enjoy the not inadequate salary of five thousand a year for what the +Profession calls "a thinking part." The new Minister of Reconstruction +is to have two thousand a year; and we shall no doubt hear shortly +that he has begun his labours by reconstructing another hotel for the +accommodation of his staff. + +[Illustration: THE SECRET SERVICE IN THE HOUSE. +MR. KING HAS SUSPICIONS OF SOMETHING NEFARIOUS.] + +With the spirit of expansion pervading the Head of the Government, +it is not surprising that the expenditure of the country continues to +rise. The panting estimators of the Treasury toil after it in vain. +Mr. McKENNA's passionate plea for a limit to our war-expenditure +would have carried more weight if he had shown any sign during his +own time at the Exchequer of being able to impose one. As it was, Mr. +G.D. FABER'S interjection, "Do you want to limit munitions?" quickly +reduced him to generalities. The House had to rest content with Mr. +BONAR LAW'S assurance that, though we could not go on for ever, we +could go on longer than our enemies. + +_Wednesday, July 25th_.--In answer to Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING the +UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR stated that since the outbreak of hostilities +there had been forty-seven airship raids and thirty "heavier than air" +raids upon this country, "making seventy-eight air-raids in all." +It is believed that the discrepancy is explained by Mr. BILLING'S +unaccountable omission on one occasion to make a speech. + +He made one to-night of prodigious length, which brought him into +personal collision with Major ARCHER-SHEE. Palace Yard was the +scene of the combat, which ended, as I understand, in ARCHER downing +PEMBERTON and BILLING sitting on SHEE. Then the police arrived and +swept up the hyphens. + +Opinions differ as to Mr. KING'S latest performance. Some hold his +complaint, that the Government had introduced detectives into the +precincts of the House, to have been perfectly genuine, and point to +his phrase, "I speak from conviction," as a proof that he was trying +to revenge himself for personal inconvenience suffered at the hands +of the minions of the law. Others contend that he knew all the time +the real reason for their presence--the possibility that Sinn Fein +emissaries would greet Mr. GINNELL'S impending departure with a +display of fireworks from the Gallery. + +_Thursday, July 26th_.--Mr. GINNELL put in a belated appearance this +afternoon in order to make a dramatic exit. But the performance lacked +spontaneity. Indeed honourable Members, even while they laughed, were, +I think, a little saddened by the sight of this elderly gentleman's +pathetic efforts to play the martyr. + +Only twenty Members agreed with Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD in believing, +or affecting to believe, that the recent resolution of the German +Reichstag was the solemn pronouncement of a sovereign people, and that +it only requires the endorsement of the British Government to produce +an immediate and equitable peace. Not much was left of this pleasant +theory after Mr. ASQUITH had dealt it a few of his sledge-hammer +blows. "So far as we know," he said, "the influence of the Reichstag, +not only upon the composition but upon the policy of the German +Government, remains what it has always been, a practically negligible +quantity." + +Any faint hopes that the pacificists may have cherished of a +favourable division were destroyed by Mr. SNOWDEN in a speech whose +character may be judged by the comment passed on it by Mr. O'GRADY, +just back from Russia, that "LENIN had preached the same doctrine +in Petrograd." + + * * * * * + +THE REST CURE. + +TRIBUNALS PLEASE COPY. + + "It is understood that the French Consul at Lourenco Marques, + M. Savoye, has, owing to ill-health, asked his Government to + allow him to return to Army duties."--_Cape Times_. + + * * * * * + + "Lady ---- set the fashion of arriving at the altar with empty + hands. She is the first bride to have had such an important + wedding without the etceteras of bouquet or prayerbook, + bridesmaids, pages, or wedding-cake."--_News of the World_. + +Far too big a handful. + + * * * * * + + "150 YEARS AGO--JULY 20, 1767. + + Reports of the borough treasurer of West Ham show a loss of + L41,000 on the municipal tramways and a loss of L35,000 on + the electricity undertaking."--_Northampton Daily Echo_. + +So the eighteenth century was not so much behind the present time as +we had been led to believe. + + * * * * * + + "Piano wanted by a lady to teach little girl to + learn."--_Provincial Paper_. + +One of those player-pianos with the new knuckle-rapping attachment, +we suppose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_"mopping up" captured trench_). "IS THERE +ANYONE DOWN THERE?" + +_Voice from dug out_. "JA! JA! KAMERAD!" + +_Tommy_. "THEN COME OUT HERE AND FRATERNISE."] + + * * * * * + +MILITARY AIDES. + +Last year, owing to the pressure of other engagements, we did not +mark out the tennis-lawn at "Sunnyside." This year the matter has +been taken out of our hands by the military powers. + +Nevin was the first to think of it. + +"What about a game of tennis?" he suggested one bright morning in May. +"Keep us from going to seed." + +It was his second day of leave after three months in the Ypres +salient, so the change may have been too sudden for him. + +"That's a toppin' notion," echoed Bob; "let's raid 'old Beetle's' +museum and dig out the posts." + +So Captain Richard Nevin, R.E., and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson, +R.G.A., took the affair into their own hands. + +Having seen the same forces cooperating on previous occasions, I +determined to keep clear of them. Besides, I am only "old Beetle." + +They found the posts in the tool-shed, and, borne upon the initial +enthusiasm of their venture, began to sink a sort of winze on each +side of the lawn. Up to this point they were perfectly amicable. + +Then Nevin, who is a thoughtful person, said suddenly, "I suppose you +made quite sure that the line of these posts will cross the centre of +the court?" And then, before Bob could retort, added, "Of course you +ought to have made absolutely certain of that. As it is we had better +leave this and find the corner irons." + +Corner irons that have remained undisturbed for some twenty-four +months have a way of concealing themselves. At the end of ten minutes +the seekers began to show signs of impatience. Such terms as "angles," +"bases," "centres," interspersed with "futilass," "sodamsure," +"knowseverything" were cast upon a hazardous breeze. + +Eventually they found one of the angles. To the ordinary layman this +would have meant the beginning of the end. But Captain Richard Nevin +and Second-Lieutenant Robert Simpson are made of different stuff. They +scorn the easy path. They have stores of deep knowledge to draw upon +which place their calculations beyond the ken of ordinary mortals. +After they had made a searching examination of the exhumed angle, Bob +pulled out a pencil, prostrated himself behind it and then proceeded +to gaze ecstatically over the top. + +I moved my chair slightly south, and pretended to regard the +apple-blossom, and when Nevin went into the house and brought out +something which dimly resembled a ship's sextant I had the extreme +presence of mind not to make any inquiries. + +Margery drifted up with a pink duster. + +"What ever are they doing?" she asked. + +"Hush!" I whispered; "Bob has just got the range of a supply train on +the far side of the rockery, and if Nevin (Nevin is the Crown Prince +of Wurtemberg) doesn't get the longitude of Bob's battery in the next +minute or so it's all up with his day's rations." + +Suddenly Bob rose and made some calculations on an old envelope. + +"That means three rounds battery fire," I said, "and the Prince loses +his lunch." + +Not satisfied with this success, Bob went indoors and looted the hall +of three walking-sticks and Margery's new sunshade. + +"What's he going to do now?" said Margery, with one eye on the +sunshade. + +He walked to the far end of the lawn and manoeuvred in a small circle. +"The water-jackets are boiling," I replied, "and they've run out of +cold water. He's divining with the sunshade. Look!" + +Bob suddenly drove the sunshade into the ground. There was a sharp +crack and--well, he found another iron. Of course he tried to explain +to Margery that it was an absolute accident and he only wanted to get +a sighting post; but that was mere self-effacement, and I said so. + +Things began to happen quickly after this, and if Private James +Thompson had not put in an unexpected appearance they might have +completed the job without any further difference of opinion. + +In the merry days before war was thrust upon us, James Thompson was +an architect of distinction. Obviously an architect of distinction can +reduce the difficulty of laying out a tennis-court to an elementary +and puerile absurdity. For half-an-hour the demonstration was +carried on in the garden, and, after Private Thompson had twice been +threatened with arrest for using insubordinate language to a superior, +it was decided to finish the discussion in my study, assisted by the +softening influence of the Tantalus. + +Not for a hundred pounds would I have ventured into the study. +I picked up _The Gardening Gazette_ and engrossed myself in an +interesting piece of scandal about the slug family. + +Suddenly Margery appeared at the double. + +"Do you know," I exclaimed excitedly, "it was the wireworm after all." + +"Come on," Margery panted irrelevantly, "buck up and we can finish it +before they come out again." + +In her hand she held a tape-measure and an official diagram of a +tennis-court. + +Five minutes later the experts emerged from the house. + +"Hullo!" exclaimed Nevin aggressively, "what have you been up to?" + +"Oh," I replied, flicking over a page on weed-killers, "Margery and I +thought we had better find the remainder of the tennis-court while you +were having a rest. Margery's gone for a ball of string, and if Bob +fetches the marker you can mark the court out now." + +Nevin's retort was addressed solely to Private James Thompson, who +had in an unfortunate moment given way to laughter of an unmilitary +character. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE. + +{Cartoon, four panels, each with two gentlemen gazing skyward, bombs +exploding nearby. One is using binoculars.} + +First panel: "From its shape-- + +Second panel: --I should say-- + +Third panel: --that must be-- + +Fourth panel: --Enemy Aircraft!"] + + * * * * * + +BOYCOTTING THE BARD. + + ["Contributors are particularly requested not to send + verses. They are not wanted in any circumstances and cannot + be printed, acknowledged or returned."--_British Weekly, + July 19th_.] + + I once believed the "Man of Kent" + To be the Muses' firm supporter + And only less benevolent + To bards than Mr. C.K. SHORTER. + + But this untimely cruel blow + Has quite irrevocably shattered + The hopes which till a week ago + My fondest aspirations flattered. + + Wounds that are dealt us by our friends + Are faithful, but the name endearing + Of friend is hardly his who lends + And then denies the bard a hearing. + + How then, O brother songsters, can + You take it lying down, and meekly + Submit to this tyrannic ban + Laid on you by _The British Weekly_? + + No, no, you'll rather emulate + The Minstrel Boy, and we shall find you + Storming its barred and bolted gate + With reams of lyrics slung behind you. + + * * * * * + + "The time is ripe for the authorities to stop all street + traffic and to order all unauthorised persons to take cover + under penalty at the approach of the air raiders."--_Daily + Paper_. + +Personally, as a means of shelter we prefer the coal-cellar to any +penalty. + + * * * * * + + "Will Mr. Russell deny that 660 million gallons of milk + were produced in Ireland last year, of which half went + to the creameries and more to the margarine factories + and to England?"--_Letter in Irish Paper_. + +The Irish gallon would appear to be as elastic as the Irish mile. + + * * * * * + +"DIVISIONAL SIGNS." + +The purpose of a Divisional Sign is to deceive the enemy. Let us +suppose that you belong to the 580th Division, B.E.F. You do not put +"580" on your waggons and your limbers and on the tin-hats of your +Staff. Certainly not. The enemy would know about you if you did that. +You have a secret sign, such as tramps chalk on your wall at home, +to let other tramps know that you are a stingy devil with a dog. +There are many theories as to how these signs are chosen. One is +that a committee of officers sits _in camera_ for forty-eight hours +without food or drink till it has decided on an arrow or a cat, or +a dandelion, rampant. + +Let us take it that a cat is chosen--a quiet thing in cats--crimson on +a green-and-white chess-board background. Forthwith (as adjutants say) +a crimson cat on a green-and-white chess-board background is painted +and embroidered on everything that can be painted and embroidered +on--limbers and waggons and hand-carts and arm-bands and the +tin-hats of the Staff. And the Division goes forth as it were masked, +disguised, just like one of Mr. LE QUEUX'S diplomatist heroes at a +fancy-dress ball, wearing a domino. You perceive the mystery of it? +None of your naked numbers for us B.E.F. men. The Division marches +through a village, and the dear old Man Who Knows, cropping up again +in the army, says, "Ha! A red cat on a green-and-white chess-board +back-ground? That's the Seventeenth Division." + +You see it now? The enemy agent overhears. The false news is sent +crackling through the ether to Berlin (wireless, my dear, in the +cellar, of course). The German General Staff looks up the village on +a map, and sticks into it a flag marked 17. Not 580, mark you. And +the General Staff frowns, and Majesty pushes the ends of its moustache +into its eyes at the knowledge that the Seventeenth Division is in +----. + +And all the time it is in ----! And the agent pockets his cheque. So +wars are won and lost. + +Just conceive the romance of it. It is heraldry gone mad. + +Myself, however, I incline to another theory as to the origin of these +symbols. + +A Higher Command enters his office. Higher Commands always enter. The +office is hung, like a studio in one of Mr. GEORGE MORROW'S pictures, +with diagrams of circles and triangles and crosses and straight lines. +The Higher Command, being a man of like passions with ourselves, +has just finished tinned Oxford marmalade and a cigarette. He heads +for the "IN" basket on his desk and takes from it the "Arrivals and +Departures" paper. "Ha!" says he to the lady secretary, "I see six +new divisions landed yesterday." He pauses. Outside there is no sound +to be heard save the loud and continuous crash of the sentry's hand +against his rifle as he salutes the passing A.D.C.'s. "What about +signs?" says the Higher Command. The lady secretary says nothing. She +floods the carburettor of the typewriter preparatory to thumping out +"Ref. attached correspondence" on it. + +The Higher Command stares at the diagrams on the wall. He is feeling +strangely light-hearted this morning. He has won five francs at bridge +the night before from the D.A.D.M.O. A.D.G.S. And mere circles and +squares have somehow lost their savour for him. He plunges. "What +about a lion?" he says. + +The lady secretary opens the throttle and plays a few bars on the +"cap." key. + +"A red lion?" says the Higher Command seductively. + +"It has already been done," says the lady secretary coldly. + +"Who by--I mean by whom?" inquires the H.C. indignantly. + +"By the Deputy Assistant Director of Higher Commands, when you were +on leave last week," she tells him. + +He mutters a military oath against the D.A.D.H.C. Then his face +clears. + +"Tigers?" he suggests hopefully. + +"We might do a green tiger," she says reluctantly. + +"With yellow stripes!" shouts the H.C. + +"On a mauve background," says she, warming to it. + +And so one division is disposed of. But it is not always so, of +course. + +After a Hun counter-attack, for instance, the H.C. may gaze morosely +on his geometrical figures and throw off a little thing in triangles +and St. Andrew's crosses. Or when the moon is at the full you may +have a violet allotted to you as your symbol. One never knows. My +own divisional sign, for instance, is an iddy-umpty plain on a field +plainer. We vary the heraldry by ringing changes on the colours. On +our brigade arm-band it becomes an iddy-umpty gules on a field azure. +If I could be quite sure of the heraldic slang for puce I would tell +you what it is on our Army Corps arm-band. On a waggon it used to be +an iddy-umpty blank on a field muddy. But administrative genius has +changed all that. A routine order, the other day, ordered a pink +border to be painted round it, and this first simple essay of the +departed Morse goes now through the villages of France in a bed of +roses. + +We wish sometimes that our conditions were changed as easily as our +signs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dugal._ "I DOOT, TAMMAS, THERE'S SOME INFORMEESHUN +THAT MAN LLOYD GEORGE HAS GOT THAT WE HAVENA GOT."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "The Lord Provost will preside over the meeting at which Mr. + Churchill will speak in Dundee this afternoon. + + Many thousands of people are leaving Dundee for their annual + holiday."--_Manchester Daily Dispatch_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Alderman Domoney, in remanding at the Guildhall to-day + two boys charged with theft, said he always liked to deal + leniently with boys so young and to give the ma fresh start + in life."--_Evening Paper_. + +Not a word about the pa, you observe; yet we daresay he was equally +responsible. + + * * * * * + +From the Orders of a Battalion in France:-- + + "The undermentioned N.C.O.'s and men will parade at 10.30 + a.m., bringing with them their gas-helmets and the unexpired + portion of their rations." + +It is surmised that this refers to the cheese-issue. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Basil_. "MUMMY, AREN'T WE EXCEEDING THE SPEED +RATION?"] + + * * * * * + +BULLINGTON. + + It was in the high midsummer and the sun was shining strong, + And the lane was rather flinty and the lane was rather long, + When, up and down the gentle hills beside the stripling Test, + I chanced to come to Bullington and stayed a while to rest. + + It was drowned in peace and quiet, as the river reeds were drowned + In the water clear as crystal, flowing by with scarce a sound; + And the air was like a posy with the sweet haymaking smells, + And the Roses and Sweet-Williams and Canterbury Bells. + + Far away as some strange planet seemed the old world's dust and din, + And the trout in sun-warmed shallows hardly seemed to stir a fin, + And there's never a clock to tell you how the hurrying world goes on + In the little ivied steeple down in drowsy Bullington. + + Small and sleepy there it nestled, seeming far from hastening Time, + As a teeny-tiny village in some quaint old nursery rhyme, + And a teeny-tiny river by a teeny-tiny weir + Sang a teeny-tiny ditty that I stayed a while to hear:-- + + "Oh the stream runs to the river and the river to the sea; + But the reedy banks of Bullington are good enough for me; + Oh the road runs to the highway and the highway o'er the down, + But it's just as good in Bullington as mighty London town." + + Then high above an aeroplane in humming flight went by, + With the droning of its engines filling all the cloudless sky; + And like the booming of a knell across that perfect day + There came the guns' dull thunder from the ranges far away. + + And, while I lay and listened, oh the river's sleepy tune + Seemed to change its rippling music, like the cuckoo's stave in June, + And the cannon's distant thunder and the engines' warlike drone + Seemed to mingle with its burthen in a solemn undertone:-- + + "Oh the stream runs to the river, and the river to the sea, + And there's war on land and water, and there's work for you and me; + And on many a field of glory there are gallant lives laid down + As well for sleepy Bullington as mighty London Town." + + So I roused me from my daydream, for I knew the song spoke true, + That it isn't time for dreaming while there's duty still to do; + And I turned into the highroad where it meets the flinty lane, + And the world of wars and sorrows was about me once again. + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +REMEMBRANCE. + +"Stop, Francesca," I cried. "Don't talk; don't budge; don't blink. +Give me time. I've all but--" + +"What _are_ you up to?" she said. + +"There," I said, "you've done it. I had it on the tip of my tongue, +and now it has gone back for ever into the limbo of forgotten things, +and all because you couldn't keep silent for the least little fraction +of a second." + +"My poor dear," she said, "I _am_ sorry. But why didn't you tell me +you were trying to remember something?" + +"That," I said, "would have been just as fatal to it. These things are +only remembered in an atmosphere of perfect silence. The mental effort +must have room to develop." + +"Don't tell me," she said tragically, "that I have checked the +development of a mental effort. That would be too awful." + +"Well," I said, "that's exactly what you _have_ done, that and nothing +less. I feel just as if I'd tried to go upstairs where there wasn't a +step." + +"Or downstairs." + +"Yes," I said, "it's equally painful and dislocating." + +"But you're not the only one," she said, "who's forgotten things. I've +done quite a lot in that line myself. I've forgotten the measles and +sugar and Lord RHONDDA and the Irish trouble and your Aunt Matilda, +and where I left my _pince-nez_ and what's become of the letters I +received this morning, and whom I promised to meet where and when to +talk over what. You needn't think you're the only forgetter in the +world. I can meet you on that and any other ground." + +"But," I said, "the thing you made me forget--" + +"I didn't." + +"You did." + +"No, for you hadn't remembered it." + +"Well, anyhow I shall put it on to you, and I want you to realise that +it's not like one of your trivialities--" + +"This man," said Francesca, "refers to his Aunt Matilda and Lord +RHONDDA as trivialities." + +"It is not," I continued inexorably, "like one of your trivialities. +It's a most important thing, and it begins with a 'B.'" + +"Are you sure of that?" + +"Yes, I'm sure it begins with a 'B'--or perhaps a 'W.' Yes, I'm sure +it's a 'W' now." + +"I'm going," said Francesca with enthusiasm, "to coax that word or +thing, or whatever it is, back to the tip of your tongue and beyond +it. So let's have all you know about it. Firstly, then, it begins with +a 'W.'" + +"Yes, it begins with a 'W,' and I feel it's got something to do with +Lord RHONDDA." + +"That doesn't help much. So far as I can see, everything now is more +or less nearly connected with Lord RHONDDA." + +"But my forgotten thing isn't bread or meat. It's something remoter." + +"Is it Mr. KENNEDY-JONES?" said Francesca. "He's just resigned, you +know." + +"No, it's not Mr. KENNEDY-JONES. How could it be? Mr. KENNEDY-JONES +doesn't begin with a 'W.'" + +"If I were you, I shouldn't insist too much on that 'W.' I should keep +it in the background, for it's about ten to one you'll find in the +end that it doesn't begin with a 'W.' At any rate we've made two short +advances; we know it isn't Mr. KENNEDY-JONES, because he doesn't begin +with a 'W,' and we are not very sure that it begins with a 'W.'" + +"Keep quiet," I said, flushing with anticipation. "I'm getting it ... +your last remark has put me on the track.... Silence.... Ah ... it's +_DEVONSHIRE CREAM!_ There--I've got it at last. I feel an overwhelming +desire for Devonshire cream." + +"The sort that begins with a 'W.'" + +"Well, it's got a 'V' in it, anyhow." + +"And it isn't Devonshire cream at all. It's really Cornish cream--at +least Mary Penruddock says it is." + +"Cornish or Devonshire, that's what I must have, if Lord RHONDDA'S +rules allow it." + +"All right, I'll get you a pot or two if I can. But are you sure you +won't forget it again?" + +"If I do," I said, "I can always remember it by the W.'" + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANGE CURE. + + ["The only way to make domestic service popular is for + a duchess to become a tweeny-maid."--_Evening Paper_.] + + It may be that a modern _Mene, Mene_ + Will force the Duchess to become a tweeny; + But, ere this democratic transformation + Secures the "old nobility's" salvation, + Some other changes are not less but more + Needful to aid our progress in the War. + + For instance, with what rapture were we blest + If Some-one gave his nimble tongue a rest + And, turning Trappist, stanched the fearsome gush + Of egotistic and thrasonic slush; + Or if Lord X. eschewed his daily speeches + And took to canning Californian peaches; + Or if egregious LYNCH could but abstain + From "ruining along the illimitable inane" + At Question-time, and try to render PLATO'S + _Republic_ into Erse, or grow potatoes; + Or if our novelists wrote cheerful books, + Instead of joining those superfluous cooks + Who spoil our daily journalistic broth + By lashing it into a fiery froth. + + Counsels of sheer perfection, you will say, + In times when ev'ry mad dog has his day, + Yet none the less inviting as the theme + Of a millennial visionary's dream. + + And as for Duchesses turned tweeny-maids + Or following other unobtrusive trades + There's nothing very wonderful or new + Or difficult to credit in the view; + For DICKENS--whom I never fail to bless + For solace in these days of storm and stress-- + Found his best slavey in _The Marchioness_. + + * * * * * + +WHO INVENTED THE NAME "SAMMIES"? + + "They are 'Sammies' now, and the name probably will stick + along with 'Tommy,' 'poilu' and 'Fritz.' ... The christening + was one of those spontaneous affairs, coming nobody knows + how."--_Kansas City Star_. + +Mr. Punch, ever reluctant to take credit to himself, feels +nevertheless bound to say that the suggestion of the name "Sammies" +for our American Allies appeared in his columns as long ago as June +13th. On page 384 of that issue (after quoting _The Daily News_ as +having said, "We shall want a name for the American 'Tommies' when +they come; but do not call them 'Yankees'; they none of them like it") +he wrote: "As a term of distinction and endearment, Mr. Punch suggests +'Sammies'--after their uncle." + + * * * * * + + "London.-- ---- House. Bed, breakfast 4s., per week 24s. 6d. + No other meals at present." + +This should encourage the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Transport Officer_. "CONFOUND IT, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU +DOING? DON'T TEASE THE ANIMALS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +HANSI, the Alsatian caricaturist and patriot, who escaped a few months +before the War, after being condemned by the German courts to fifteen +months' imprisonment for playing off an innocent little joke on four +German officers, and did his share of fighting with the French in the +early part of the War, is the darling of the Boulevards. They adore +his supreme skill in thrusting the irritating lancet of his humour +into bulging excrescences on the flank of that monstrous pachyderm +of Europe, the German. _Professor Knatschke_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), +aptly translated by Professor R.L. CREWE, is a joyous rag. It purports +to be the correspondence of a Hun Professor, full of an egregious +self-sufficiency and humourlessness and greatly solicitous for the +unhappy Alsatian who is ignorant and misguided enough to prefer the +Welsch (i.e. foreign) "culture-swindle" to the glorious paternal +Kultur of the German occupation. And HANSI illustrates his witty text +with as witty and competent a pencil. HANSI has, in effect, the full +status of an Ally all by himself. He adds out of the abundance of his +heart a diary and novel by _Knatschke's_ daughter, _Elsa_, full of +the artless sentimentality of the German virgin. It is even better fun +than the Professor's part of the business. Naturally the full flavour +of both jokes must be missed by the outsider. HANSI is the more +effective in that he chuckles quietly, never guffaws and never rails. +Fun of the best. + + * * * * * + +There is not much left for me to say in praise of Mr. JACK LONDON'S +dog-stories; and anyhow, if his name on the cover of _Jerry of the +Islands_ (MILLS AND BOON) is not enough, no persuasion of mine +will induce you to read it. Those of us to whom dogs are merely +animals--just that--will find this history of an Irish terrier dull +enough; but others who have in their time given their "heart to a dog +to tear" will recognise and joyously welcome Mr. LONDON'S sympathetic +understanding of his hero. _Jerry's_ adventurous life as here told +was spent in the Solomon Islands, which is not, I gather, the most +civilized part of the globe. He had been brought up to dislike +niggers, and when he disliked anyone he did not hesitate to show his +feelings and his teeth. So it is possible that for some tastes he +left his marks a little too frequently; but in the end he thoroughly +justified his inclination to indulge in what looked like unprovoked +attacks upon bare legs. For unless he had kept his teeth in by +constant practice he might never have contrived to save his beloved +master and mistress from a very cowardly and crafty attack. Good dog, +_Jerry_! + + * * * * * + +I admit that the fact of its publishers having branded _The Road to +Understanding_ (CONSTABLE) as "A Pure Love Story" did not increase the +hopes with which I opened it. Let me however hasten also to admit that +half of it certainly bettered expectation. That was the first half, +in which _Burke Denby_, the heir to (dollar) millions, romantically +defied his father and married his aunt's nursery governess, and +immediately started to live the reverse of happy-ever after. All this, +the contrast between ideals in a mansion and love in a jerry-built +villa, and the thousand ways in which _Mrs. Denby_ got upon her +husband's nerves and generally blighted his existence, are told with +an excellently human and sympathetic understanding, upon which I make +my cordial congratulations to Miss ELEANOR H. PORTER. But because +the book, however human, belongs, after all, to the category of "Best +Sellers" it appears to have been found needful to furbish up this +excellent matter with an incredible ending. That _Mrs. Denby_ should +retire with her infant to Europe, in order to educate herself to her +husband's level, I did not mind. This thing has been done before now +even in real life. But that, on returning after the lapse of years, +she should introduce the now grown-up daughter, unrecognised, as +secretary to her father! "Somehow ... you remind me strangely.... Tell +me of your parents." "My daddy ... I never knew him." Or words to that +effect. It is all there, spoiling a tale that deserved better. + + * * * * * + +The voracious novel-reader is apt to hold detective stories in the +same regard that the Scotchman is supposed to entertain towards +whisky--some are better than others, but there are no really bad ones. +_The Pointing Man_ (HUTCHINSON) is better than most, in the first +place because it takes us "east of Suez"--a pleasant change from +the four-mile radius to which the popular sleuths of fiction mostly +confine their activities; and, secondly, because it combines a maximum +of sinister mystery with a minimum of actual bloodshed; and, lastly, +because our credulity is not strained unduly either by the superhuman +ingenuity of the hunter or an excess of diabolical cunning on the part +of the quarry. Otherwise the story possesses the usual features. There +is the clever young detective, in whose company we expectantly scour +the bazaars and alleys of Mangadone in search of a missing boy. There +are Chinamen and Burmese, opium dens and curio shops, temples and +go-downs. Miss MARJORIE DOUIE has more than a superficial knowledge +of her stage setting, and gets plenty of movement and colour into +it. And if she has elaborated the characters and inter-play of her +Anglo-Burmese colony to an extent that is not justified either by +their connection with the plot or the necessity of mystifying the +reader we must forgive her because she does it very well--so well +indeed that we may hope to see _The Pointing Man_, excellent as it is +in its way, succeeded by a contribution to Anglo-Oriental literature +that will do ampler justice to Miss DOUIE'S unquestionable gifts. + + * * * * * + +Our writers appear willing converts to my own favourite theory that +the public is, like a child, best pleased to hear the tales that it +already knows by heart. The latest exponent of this is the lady who +prefers to be called only "The Author of _An Odd Farmhouse_." Her new +little book, _Your Unprofitable Servant_ (WESTALL), is a record of +domestic happenings and impressions during the early phases of the +War. The thing is skilfully done, and in the result carries you with +interest from page to page; though (as I hint) the history of those +August days, when Barbarism came forth to battle and Civilisation +regretfully unpacked its holiday suit-cases, can hardly appeal now +with the freshness of revelation. Still, the writer brings undeniable +gifts to her more than twice-told tale. She has, for example, +perception and a turn of phrase very pleasant, as when she speaks +of the shops in darkened London conducting the last hour of business +under lowered awnings, "as if it were a liaison." There are many such +rewarding passages, some perhaps a little facile, but, taken together, +quite enough to make this unpretentious little volume a very agreeable +companion for the few moments of leisure which are all that most of us +can get in these strenuous days. + + * * * * * + +I enjoyed at a pleasant sitting the whole of Mr. FRANK SWINNERTON'S +_Nocturne_ (SECKER). I don't quite know (and I don't see how +the author can quite know) whether his portraits of pretty +self-willed _Jenny_ and plain love-hungry _Emmy_, the daughters +of the superannuated iron-moulder, are true to life, but they are +extraordinarily plausible. Not a word or a mood or a move in the +inter-play of five characters in four hours of a single night, the +two girls and "_Pa_," and _Alf_ and _Keith_, the sailor and almost +gentleman who was _Jenny's_ lover, seemed to me out of place. The +little scene in the cabin of the yacht between _Jenny_ and _Keith_ +is a quite brilliant study in selective realism. Take the trouble to +look back on the finished chapters and see how much Mr. SWINNERTON has +told you in how few strokes, and you will realise the fine and precise +artistry of this attractive volume. I can see the lights, the silver +and the red glow of the wine; and I follow the flashes and pouts +and tearful pride of _Jenny_, and _Keith's_ patient, embarrassed, +masterful wooing as if I had been shamefully eavesdropping. + + * * * * * + +_Fool Divine_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) stands to some extent in +a position unique among novels in that its heroine is also its +villainess, or at least the wrecker of its hero. _Nevile del Varna_, +the lady in question, is indeed the only female character in the +tale, and has therefore naturally to work double tides. What happened +was that young _Christopher_, a superman and hero, dedicate, as a +volunteer, to the unending warfare of science against the evil goddess +of the Tropics, yellow fever, met this more human divinity when on +his journey to the scene of action, and, like a more celebrated +predecessor, "turned aside to her." Then, naturally enough, when +_Nevile_ has gotten him for her husband and when love of her has +caused him to abandon his project of self-sacrifice, she repays +him with scorn. And as the unhappy _Christopher_ already scorns +himself the rest of the book (till the final chapters) is a record +of deterioration more clever than exactly cheerful. The moral of it +all being, I suppose, that if you are wedded to an ideal you should +beware of taking to yourself a mortal wife, for that means bigamy. +Incidentally the book contains some wonderfully impressive pictures of +tropical life and of the general beastliness of existence on a rubber +plantation. At the end, as I have indicated, regeneration comes for +_Christopher_--though I will not reveal just how this happens. There +is also a subsidiary interest in the revolutionary affairs of Cuba, +which the much-employed _Nevile_ appears to manage, as a local Joan of +Arc, in her spare moments; and altogether the book can be recommended +as one that will at least take you well away from the discomforts of +here and now. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TALE OF A GREAT OFFENSIVE. + +"'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'LL GET A THICK EAR!' I SEZ, 'WHO?' 'E SEZ, 'YOU!' +I SEZ, 'ME?' 'E SEZ 'YUS!' I SEZ 'HO!'"] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, August 1, 1917., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH VOL 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 12043.txt or 12043.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/0/4/12043/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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