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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11868-0.txt b/11868-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e46935 --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1908 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11868 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11868-h.htm or 11868-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/6/11868/11868-h/11868-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/6/11868/11868-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156 + +FEBRUARY 5, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Germans refer to the Armistice negotiations as +_Waffenstillstandeverhandlungen_. We hope it will be worse even than +they think. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that among the many new performances +of _Hamlet_ which are promised there will be one in aid of the fund +for brightening the lives of the clergy, with the Gloomy Dean as the +Gloomy Dane. + + *** + +"We Americans do not consider ourselves the salt of the earth," says +Senator HENRY. No, but their bacon certainly is. + + *** + +In view of the fact that there is a large quantity of marmalade +in the country, it has been decided to release it. This is such a +satisfactory solution of the problem that people are wondering whether +the Food Ministry thought of that one themselves. + + *** + +Our heart goes out to the soldier who, when offered, on +demobilisation, the option of fifty-two shillings and sixpence or a +standard suit, replied that he would rather pay the fine. + + *** + +The only surprising thing about Mr. C.B. COCHRAN'S proposal for a +Peace Fair in Hyde Park, to be arranged largely by himself, is that +there is no mention of a Serpentine dance for DELYSIA. + + *** + +The Australian Government proposes to send returned Australian +soldiers to prospect for minerals in the Northern Territories. Whether +they will be interested in them after their experience in England in +failing to locate quarts is another matter. + + *** + +Sir EDWARD ELGAR has dedicated his new orchestral work, "Polonia," to +M. PADEREWSKI. The report that the distinguished pianist-politician is +thinking of retorting with a fugue, "Stiltonia," is not confirmed. + + *** + +The Aircraft Salvage branch announces that not less than one thousand +five hundred yards of the aeroplane linen which is being disposed +of to the public will be sold to one purchaser. In the event of the +purchaser deciding to use it as a pocket-handkerchief he can have it +hemstitched for a trifling sum. + + *** + +Improvement is reported in the condition of the taxi-cab driver who +had a seizure in Piccadilly Circus while attempting to say "Thank you" +to a fare. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to announce that the Kensington man who last +week managed to board a tube train has consented to write a book about +it. + + *** + +Writing to a contemporary a Leeds correspondent says that he does not +think much of an inactive corporation. As a matter of fact, since the +introduction of rationing we didn't think active ones were being worn. + + *** + +As a result of munition work, says a health journal, quite a number of +men have given up smoking tobacco. We suppose the theory is that they +have now taken to smoking threepenny cigars. + + *** + +Mrs. MAGGIE HATHWAY of Montana is to be congratulated upon running a +six-hundred-acre farm without the help of men's labour. After all we +men must admit that her sporting effort is a distinct score for the +second oldest sex in the world. + + *** + +Anglesea Police Commission are offering one shilling and sixpence a +dozen for rats' tails to residents of the county. Some difficulty is +expected in distinguishing local from imported tails once they are +separated from the rat. + + *** + +In connection with the offers for Drury Lane Theatre it appears that +one of the would-be purchasers declares that he was more syndicate +than sinning. + + *** + +In connection with the epidemic of burglaries in London, _The Daily +Express_ has now published a leader note saying there have been too +many of late. It is hoped that this will have the desired effect. + + *** + +We are glad to report that the gentleman who, at the BURNS festival, +upon being asked if he would take a little haggis replied that he +wouldn't mind trying a wing, managed to escape with his life. + + *** + +A West Hampstead architect has designed a cottage in which there will +be no bricks in the walls, no timber in the roof, no slates or tiles +and no register grates. Too late. Jerry-builders accomplished that +trick years ago. + + *** + +While walking in Highams Park, Chingford, says a contemporary, a +postman picked up a package containing one ounce of butter. To his +eternal credit let it be said that he at once took it to the nearest +police station. + + *** + +The best brains of the country are still exercised by the alleged need +of brightening cricket. One of our own suggestions is that the bowler +should be compelled to do three Jazz-steps and two Fox-trots before +delivering the ball. + + *** + +A typist recently fell from a moving train on the Isle of Wight +railway, but was able to get up and walk towards her destination. +We hear she had a good deal to say to the guard when she overtook +the train. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEPARTURE FROM DOWNING STREET 10 A.M. + +ARRIVAL AT THE QUAI D'ORSAY 10.5 A.M. + +THE NEW AERO-GUN SERVICE BETWEEN LONDON AND PARIS. + +SOLUTION OF THE PROBLEM OF HOW MR. LLOYD GEORGE CAN BE IN BOTH PLACES +MORE OR LESS AT ONCE.] + + * * * * * + +From a _feuilleton_:-- + + "He had a cleft in his chain which Rosemarie thought most + attractive."--_Evening News_. + +There is no accounting for tastes. _We_ should have thought it +suggested the Missing Link. + + * * * * * + +EVICTED. + +(_A COMMON SCANDAL, INVITING THE ATTENTION OF THE GOVERNMENT._) + +I was amazed the other day to hear that my landlord had called to +see me. Hitherto our intercourse had been by letter and we had had +heated differences on the subject of repairs. His standpoint seemed +to be that landlords were responsible for repairs only to lightning +conductors and weathercocks. My house possesses neither of these +desirable adjuncts. + +I moved an armchair so that no one sitting in it could fail to see the +dampest wall and ordered him to be shown in. + +He was a most benevolent-looking old gentleman, and I felt I had done +him an injustice in regarding him as a property shark. + +"Glad to see you," he said, shaking me warmly by the hand. + +"Do sit down," I said. "That chair is the most comfortable. Don't be +afraid. At that distance from the wall the damp won't affect you." + +"So glad to see how comfortable you are here," said the benevolent +one. + +"If we could occasionally have a hot bath we should be more +comfortable, but the kitchen range is impossible." + +"What you need, my friend, is a house of your own so that you can +adapt it to your own ideas. How would you like this house?" + +My breath was taken away. Had the kindly one come to present me with a +house? Was I to be the object of an amiable plutocrat's benevolence? + +"I should like it very much," I said. + +"You shall have it," he said, slapping me amiably on the knee. + +I gasped for breath. In my time I had had boxes of cigars given me, +but never houses. + +"For fifteen hundred pounds, as you are the tenant," continued the +benevolent one. + +I gasped for breath again. + +"But you bought it for five hundred and fifty pounds just before the +War," I said when I had recovered. + +"Ah, before the War," chuckled the philanthropist. + +"I don't think I can afford fifteen hundred pounds." + +The benevolent one looked disappointed in me. "Dear me," he said, +"and I wanted so much to sell it to you. Well, I shall have to give +you notice to quit in June. This house must be sold." + +"But I can't get another house." + +"You can have this house. But surely you have some friend who will +advance you fifteen hundred pounds?" + +"You don't know my friends. It would be very awkward to be turned +into the street." + +"You should have a house of your own and be independent. Every man +should own his home. Now can't you think of some friend who could +assist you?" + +"Could you lend me fifteen hundred pounds for a rather speculative +investment?" I inquired. + +"Since my kindly consideration for a tenant is treated with mockery I +give you written notice to leave. A 'For Sale' board will be placed +in your garden. A clause in the lease authorises me to do that. I wish +you good morning." + +Well, I am to be evicted, and, as I'm not an Irishman, no one will +care. I shall not lie in wait with a shot-gun for my landlord. But +there is no clause in the lease forbidding me from putting up my sale +announcement beside the landlord's. It will run:-- + + _FOR SALE_ + THIS UNDESIRABLE PROPERTY + COST £550 IN 1913. + Never been repaired since. + Damp guaranteed to come through every wall. + Mice can run under the doors but there is + not sufficient space for cats to follow them. + The Kitchen Range is unusable. + All hope of baths abandon ye who enter here. + One half of the windows won't + open--the others won't shut. + All chimneys smoke in all winds. + A unique chance for the War-rich. + + * * * * * + +THE PUFF ERRATIC. + +_The New Statesman_ contains a letter from Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, +disclaiming all responsibility for the publisher's official +description of his new novel printed on the "jacket" or paper cover +thereof. It had not been submitted to him for approval and he knew +nothing of it. Mr. BENNETT is, of course, entitled to his protest, +but we greatly hope that publishers will not be induced thereby to +abstain from supplying these interesting summaries. If only the method +could be applied to standard works the results would be even more +illuminating. As for example: + +"HAMLET." + +This delicious comedy is the romance of the _Prince of Denmark_, +which, unlike other romances, begins after his marriage: with +_Polonia_, daughter of _Horatio_, who had been previously engaged to +both _Rosenstern_ and _Guildencranz_. _Hamlet_, by joining a troupe of +strolling players, offends his uncle, the reigning sovereign, and is +confined in a lunatic asylum. + +Brilliant pictures of society in Copenhagen, Denmark Hill and +Heligoland alternate with sparkling studies of the inner life of a +touring company on the Continent. + +"Can a woman love three men?" is the theme of this engrossing +extravaganza. + +"IDYLLS OF THE KING." + +In a series of exciting episodes, written in fluent heroic couplets, +the author gives us a thrilling picture of the manners and customs of +the Court of _King Arthur_, an early British sovereign, whose stately +home was situated on the Cornish Riviera. + +Owing to the compromising attentions which he pays to _Elaine_, +the Lady of Shalott, the _King_ alienates the affections of _Queen +Guinevere_ and is slain by one of his knights, _Lancelot_ by name. + +Winsome women, gallant paladins and mysterious magicians throng +these fascinating pages, which incidentally throw much light on the +theological problems discussed by the Knights of the Round Table, +among whom _Merlin_, _Vivien_ and _Enid_ are especially, prominent. + +"VANITY FAIR." + +_Major Dobbin_, a _beau sabreur_ of irresistible charm, is on the +point of eloping with _Amelia Osborne_, the wife of a brother-officer, +when the Battle of Waterloo breaks out and _Dobbin_ is slain. _Captain +Osborne_, in the mistaken impression that _Amelia_ has shared her +betrayer's fate, marries the beautiful _Becky Sharp_ and is tried +for bigamy, but is acquitted, as _Becky Sharp_ is proved to have been +already married to an Indian Nabob of the name of _Crawley_. On the +death of _Crawley_, _Becky_ marries the _Marquis of Steyne_, becomes +deeply religious and dies in the odour of sanctity. + +"Is marriage a failure?" is the problem of this kaleidoscopic drama, +which is handled with all the author's well-known soulful _verve_. + + * * * * * + +"SMITH MINOR" AGAIN. + + "_Apelles fuit carus Alexandro propter comitate._" + "Apples were dear in the days of Alexander on account + of the Committee." (? Food Controller.) + + * * * * * + + "A resolution was passed requesting the responsible local + authority to provide thirty new houses in accordance + with the Local Government Board's scheme. The houses + required were--first, those which were unfit for human + habitation."--_Sussex Paper_. + +And, to judge by some of the fantastic designs for rural cottages +published in the newspapers, those are what they will probably get. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: THE ORDER OF RELEASE. + +PIVOTAL PIG (_demobilised_). "SO LONG, LEAGUE OF RATIONS, SEE YOU +LATER."] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL DALRYMPLE. + +You would feel quite uncomfortable if you heard Dalrymple talk. He +conveys the impression that everything is badly in the way and ought +to be removed at once. That's his view. Dalrymple has no patience with +the social system. This includes everything, from the washing bill to +the House of Commons. + +Dalrymple said the General Election made him impatient. By the way, +Dalrymple is a fine upstanding personage, with just the coloured +hair the lady novelists dote on, and eyes in harmony; but despite his +handsome placid bearing Dalrymple is a fire-eater of the hungriest. + +"What you want to do is to make a clean sweep of everything," he said. +"Money is an anachronism, and in a perfectly ordered State would not +be required." + +Of course it is no more use arguing with Dalrymple than it would be +to attempt a controversy on naval affairs with Lord Nelson on his +pedestal. + +And then there is this about Dalrymple--you remember what some Court +poet said concerning Louis THE FOURTEENTH; it was to the effect that +_quand le Roi parle_--well, apparently everything and everybody else +had to put up the shutters. I forget exactly how the thing ran. It +is just so with Dalrymple. He comes into my room in the City and +warms himself, though no fire is needed to fan his enthusiasm for +destruction. The Bolsheviks are peaceable Sunday folk compared with +him. A Nihilist on a war footing would be considered Quaker-like in +his symptoms. + +Dalrymple is neck or nothing. He is a whole-hogger even to the most +indigestible bit of crackling. + +"What we want is a fresh start," he said. "Then you could begin anew +and everybody would have a chance. Burn things, blow them up, leave +nothing; then we should see something. Your whole scheme is faulty. +Your Underground--" Dalrymple has an irritating habit of fathering +things on me, which is unfair, for, as regards the Tubes, for +instance, I am sorry to say I have not even a share, and often not +as much as a strap. + +"But the Underground is only a bit overcrowded," I ventured to say. +"It can't help that, you know." + +"It is all wrong," said Dalrymple. "The entire gadget is defective. +Look at France, look at America, look at Germany and Russia and the +Jugo-Slavs." + +It was rather breathless work looking at all these nations and +peoples, but I did my best. Dalrymple is particularly strong when it +is a question of the Jugo-Slavs, and he always gave me the idea that +he spent his Saturday afternoons enunciating chatty pleasantries in +Trafalgar Square and on Tower Hill. + +But--you might just see the finish--Dalrymple was not doing anything +of the sort the afternoon that I was out house-hunting. Yes, it is +true. You will scarcely credit the fact that I found any difficulty +in tracking down an eligible villa, but that is the case. + +The quest took me to a pleasant semi-rural neighbourhood where +there was room for gardens with the borders edged with the nice soft +yellow-tinted box, and rose walks, and dainty little arbours, and +fandangled appurtenances which amateur gardeners love with perfect +justification. + +And there was Dalrymple. I won't deceive you. I recognised him on +the other side of a low oak fence. He was wearing an old hat of the +texture of the bit of headgear which the man who impersonates Napoleon +at the music-hall doubles up and plays tricks with, only Dalrymple's +hat had obviously been white and was now going green and other colours +with wear and tear. + +And wherever Dalrymple went a small cherub in a holland frock went +too. The cherub would be about five. Dalrymple was fashioning a +hen-coop out of two or three soap-boxes. Both he and the cherub ceased +activities when I hailed and approached; and I stopped to dinner. +Dalrymple told me he rather fancied he could wangle me a bungalow. + +"I know the agent chap," he said, as we sampled a very pleasant glass +of port. "Of course they want to keep it fairly dark or we should be +swamped. I have taken a lot of trouble myself, you know, and am just +starting gardening lectures at our club." + +So he went on--the house, his new roses, the hens, the jam his wife +made, the idea he had for a winter garden in the interests of his +wife's mother, who could then take the air in her Bath-chair. + +"But," I said, "you want to sweep everything away. You aim at sending +villages like this to pot--your own word, you remember. And then there +are the Jugo-Slavs--" + +Dalrymple winked and handed me the cigars. + +I fancy he is a fraud. + + * * * * * + + "AEROPLANE FLIGHT TO INDIA. + + "PREPARATIONS FOR DECEPTION IN DELHI."--_Englishman_ + (_Calcutta_). + +But the aviators, in order that there might be no doubt about their +_bona fides_, wisely landed at Karachi. + + * * * * * + +MY SERGEANT-MAJOR-DOMO. + + When WILSON has abolished War + And grim Bellona claims no more + The greatest of her sons, + What job has Peace to offer thee + That shall fulfil thy destiny, + O Sergeant-Major Buns? + + Shall thy great voice, at whose behests + Trembled a hundred martial breasts, + Be heard without a smile + Urging astonished Cingalese + To tap the tapering rubber trees + Upon their distant isle? + + Shall thy dread presence clothed in tweed + Be seen, O Buns, without the meed + Of some regretful sigh, + Fresh from the triumphs of the trench + Upon the Opposition Bench + Begging the SPEAKER'S eye? + + Nay, rather let thy mighty mind + At length its true vocation find + In the domestic sphere; + The trivial round, the common task + Shall furnish all thou needst to ask-- + There shalt thou earn thy beer. + + Yes, thou shalt play a worthy rôle, + Thou great unconquerable soul, + Within my humble flat; + For when thy voice shall thunder, "Where + Is master's cream?" what maid shall dare + Invoke the mystic cat? + + And what or volatile Miss Gripps? + The weekly notice on her lips + Shall wither at thy look. + And still one triumph waits for thee-- + And, oh! may I be there to see-- + When thou shalt face my cook! + + * * * * * + + "DATE FIXED FOR HANGING RETAILERS."--_Provincial Paper_. + +And some of them richly deserve it. + + * * * * * + + + "The League will reconsider traety obligations from time + to time. + + "The League will reconsider traeyt obligations from time + to time."--_Evening Paper_. + +And then the printer gave it up. + + * * * * * + + "A Handley Page, with two Rolls-Royce engines, was the + first and only machine to fly to India, and was the first + and only machine to fly to India, and is the second to fly + to India."--_Daily Paper_. + +Not the third and only, as for the moment we were tempted to believe. + + * * * * * + + "Young Educated Girl Pupil Wanted, help animals; live + clergyman's family; pocket-money."--_Newcastle Journal_. + +We are glad to hear of a really live clergyman. So many parsons +nowadays are accused of being dead-alive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION. + +_Maid_. "NO, MUM, I'M NOT GOING TO STAY IN THIS HOUSE TO BE INSULTED +BY HAVING 'SLAVEY' WRITTEN ON THE MAT."] + + * * * * * + +DAILY AND MAILY. + +Mr. Daily burst into the room, slamming the door behind him, to find +Mr. Maily seated before the fire. + +"Maily, you're not getting things done," he shouted as he walked +swiftly up and down the Turkey carpet. + +"Only buttoning my spat, Daily," said Mr. Maily. Then he too, +springing from his chair, walked rapidly to and fro. But whereas Mr. +Daily chose the route between the window and the motto, "Do something +else NOW!" Mr. Maily took the line between the fireplace and "Keep on +keeping on!" for they seldom felt compelled to stick to one direction. + +"Maily, I'm worried," exclaimed Mr. Daily in passing. "Things seem to +be easing down. Even you are not so nimble as you were. This silence +of the public troubles me--haven't been saying things about us for a +long time." + +"Some people even praise us," remarked Mr. Maily, disgust mingling +with the perspiration on his face. + +"We'll be damned if we put up with praise," Mr. Daily declared. + +"We shall. We'd give praise if they'd damn us," said Mr. Maily. + +"Never be funny, Maily, if you can help it," warned Mr. Daily. Then +he remarked wistfully, "If they'd only burn us again!" + +"Couldn't we go for the Archbishop of CANTERBURY?" asked Mr. Maily. +"To be burnt during morning service in a cathedral--" + +"No, these church-people couldn't be roused, Maily. Too much +dillydally about them. They'd never fall to it." + +Mr. Daily jabbed his thumb against a white bell-push, and a clerk +appeared. "Got enough work to do?" asked Mr. Daily. + +"And then some," said the clerk. + +"Well, get on with it," shouted Mr. Daily impatiently, and pressed a +red bell-push. + +"Plenty doing?" he asked the compositor who appeared. + +"Twice that," said the compositor. + +"Then go to it," barked Mr. Daily. Turning to behold Mr. Maily mopping +his brow, he cried, "For heaven's sake don't let anybody see you +standing still, Maily." + +"I was only thinking," said Mr. Maily. + +"Whatever for?" asked Mr. Daily. + +"Do you suppose--" + +"Suppose nothing. Know!" + +"How would it be to--to denounce beer?" asked Mr. Maily. + +"Gad, but you've still got pluck," said Mr. Daily with something like +admiration. "They'd burn us right enough. But there is such a thing as +too much pluck, Maily. Think again, if you must think." + +"No," Mr. Daily went on, "I doubt if a satisfactory burning can be +worked--it only comes by accident. Meanwhile, if the public won't +talk about us, we must boom ourselves;" and he sprinted to a yellow +bell-push to summon the editor. + +"This peace business," said Mr. Daily to him--"_Peace must be signed!_ +How's that for a new stunt? Cut out 'The Soldiers' Paper' and call +ourselves 'The Paper that gets Peace.' Get the boys together, work out +a scheme and come and show us in half-an-hour." + +"But, Daily, is there any likelihood of peace not being signed?" asked +Mr. Maily, when the editor had gone. + +"For goodness' sake, Maily, pull yourself together. Don't you +understand that one of the principles of our job is to back certs?" +said Mr. Daily. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Manager of Kinema Theatre_ (_referring to the two +turbulent members of audience who have been ejected_). "HOW DID THE +QUARREL COMMENCE?" + +_Doorkeeper_. "THEY WERE FIGHTING, SIR, ABOUT WHICH OF THEM THE GIRL +IN THE PICTURE WAS WINKING AT."] + + * * * * * + +LINES TO A LEGIONARY. + +(_MEMBERS OF THE NEW CORPS OF DOMESTIC SERVANTS ARE CALLED +LEGIONARIES_.) + + Sole hope of this my household, martial maid + Whom ordered ranks and discipline austere + Have shaped (I gather) for a braver trade, + So that respect, not all unmixed with fear, + Informs my breast as I await you here, + Your title, with its stern Cæsarian touch, + Does, to be frank, alarm me very much. + + Come not, I pray you, to my casual home + (Where moulting cats usurp the best arm-chair) + With the harsh practices of Ancient Rome, + The brow severe, the you-be-careful air + Which (on the film) all legionaries wear; + My dream is just a regulated ease; + Rules, if you like, but not too stringent, please. + + Come not with rude awakenings, nor request + That I at stated hours must rise and feed; + I like my morning slumber much the best + And hate a life by drastic laws decreed + (I'm not a Persian born, nor yet a Mede); + No, but with step demure and tactful come, + And if soft music greet you, oh, be dumb! + + In careless comfort let my days be spent! + And, maiden, mutual happiness shall reign; + The crash of crockery I'll not lament + Nor (when I fain would sing) will I complain + Though you should raise the far from dulcet strain; + But with a sweet content I'll bless the day + My legionary came, and came to stay. + + * * * * * + + "LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or + expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information leading + to his recovery will be rewarded."--_Glasgow Herald_. + +It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of "Variety" +ladies in the illustrated papers. + + * * * * * + + "He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, in the + present state of the country, it was imperative that soppages + should be avoided."--_Liverpool Paper_. + +Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, unless one +wears waders, extremely difficult to follow. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED.--A suitable match for a well-connected and refined + Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral character; + monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses property. Late + wife died last week."--_Indian Paper_. + +It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely off with +the old love before you are on with the new. + + * * * * * + + "The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme are: + (1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."--_Sunday Times_ (_Johannesburg_). + +The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the earliest +opportunity of denying this totally unfounded suggestion. Mr. Punch +is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen_ (_in dairy +where she has dealt for over three years_). "AND YOU WON'T FORGET THE +CREAM AS USUAL." + +_Dairy Girl_. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY MORE CREAM, +AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."] + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE FAVOUR. + +Maisie was terribly upset when she lost her gold curb bangle (with +padlock attached) between the hospital and the canteen. The first I +knew of it was seeing a handbill offering two pounds' reward on our +front gate, with the ink still damp, when I came home to lunch. There +was a similar bill blowing down the road. My wife had some more under +her arm and she pressed them on me. "Run round to the shops," she +said; "get them put right in the middle of the windows where they'll +catch everybody's eye." + +The first shop I entered was a hosier's. Since drilling in the V.T.O. +I have acquired rather a distinguished bearing. Shopkeepers invariably +treat me with attention. The hosier hurried forward, obviously +anticipating a princely order for tweeds at war prices. I hadn't the +courage to buy nothing. I selected the nearest thing on the counter, a +futurist necktie at two-and-six-three, and, as I was leaving the shop, +turned back carelessly. "By the by, would you mind putting this bill +in your window?" I said. + +His lip curled. "This is a high-class business. We make it a rule--no +bills," he said. + +At the butcher's next door there were several customers. They all gave +way to me. I made purchases worthy of my appearance and carriage, half +an ox tail and some chitterlings. Then I proffered a handbill. The man +in blue accepted it and, before I had opened my lips, returned it to +me wrapped round the ox tail. I was too taken aback to explain. In +fact, when he held out his hand, I mechanically gave him another bill +for the chitterlings. + +At the next shop, a fancy draper's, I acted with cunning. In the +centre of the window, on a raised background of silver paper, was +displayed a wreath of orange-blossom veiled with tulle. I bought +it. The young ladies were hysterical. "May I ask permission to put +this little handbill in its place?" I said. They appealed to the +shopwalker. "In the absence of the head of the firm I cannot see my +way to accede to your request," he said. "At present he is on the +Rhine. On his demobilisation I will place the matter before him if you +will leave the bill in my hands." I left it. + +I skipped a gramophone emporium and a baby-linen shop and entered a +fishmonger's. Here I adopted tactics of absolute candour. "Look here," +I said, "I haven't come to buy anything. I don't want any fish, flesh +or red-herring, but I should be no end grateful if you would stick +this bill up for me somewhere." + +"Certainly, Sir, as many as you like," said the proprietor heartily. + +Gleefully I gave him two. One he stuck on a hook on top of a couple of +ducks, and it flopped over face downwards on their breasts. The other +he laid in the middle of the marble counter, and the next moment his +assistant came along and slapped an outsize halibut on it. + +I went into a jeweller's next and purchased a gold curb bangle (with +padlock attached). + +"You clever old thing," said Maisie; "you'd never tell one from the +other, would you? Mine's a tiny bit heavier, don't you think? I've +just found it in the soap-dish. I'll change this for a filigree +pendant. All my life I've longed for a filigree pendant" + + * * * * * + + "For 85 tons of blackberries, gathered last autumn, + Northamptonshire elementary school children were paid + £2,380, 3d. a lb."--_Daily Paper_. + +The young profiteers! + + * * * * * + + "Splendid imitation almond paste for cakes can be made + as follows: Take four ounces of breadcrumbs, one small + teaspoonful of almond essence, four ounces of soft + white sugar, and one well-eaten egg to bind the + mixture."--_Answers_. + +The difficulty is to get the egg. + + * * * * * + +_APRÈS LA GUERRE_. + +"_On ne sait jamais le dessous des cartes_," as the perplexing dialect +of the aborigines of this country would put it. William and I, when +we used to discuss after-the-war prospects o' nights in the old +days, were more or less resigned to a buckshee year or two of filling +shell-holes up and pulling barbed wire down. Instead of which we all +go about the country taking in each others' education. No one, we +gather, will be allowed to go home until he has taken his B.A. with +honours. And after that--But it would be better to begin at the +beginning. + +It began within ten days of the signing of the armistice, assuming +the shape of an official inquiry from Division, a five-barred document +wherein somebody with a talent for confusing himself (and a great +contempt for the Paper Controller) managed to ask every officer the +same question in five different ways. They cancelled each other out +after a little examination and left behind merely a desire to discover +whether or not each officer had a job waiting for him on his return +to civil life. William and I took the thing at a gallop, stuck down +a succinct "Yes. Yes, No, No. Yes," subscribed our signatures and +returned the documents--or so William proposed to do--"for your +information and necessary inaction." + +"They're getting deuced heavy about these jobs, aren't they?" observed +William a day or two later. "The Old Man wants to see us all at +orderly-room for a private interview--he's got to make a return +showing whether his officers have got jobs waiting for them, if not, +why not, and please indent at once to make good any deficiencies. +Hullo, what's this?" + +It happened to be William's mail for the day--one large +official-looking envelope. It turned out to be a document from his old +unit (he had entered the Army from an O.T.C.), headed, "Resettlement +and Employment of ex-Officers: Preliminary Enquiry." It was a +formidable catechism, ranging from inquiries as to whether William had +a job ready for him to a request for a signed statement from his C.O. +certifying that he was a sober, diligent and obliging lad and had +generally given every satisfaction in his present situation. In case +he hadn't a job or wanted another one there were convenient spaces in +which to confess the whole of his past--whether he had a liking for +animals or the Colonies, mechanical aptitude (if any), down to full +list of birth-marks and next-of-kin. William thrust the thing hastily +into the stove. But I observed that there was a cloud over him for the +rest of the day. + +However, we both of us satisfied the examiner at the orderly-room, +though the renewed evidence of a determined conspiracy to find work +for him left William a trifle more thoughtful than his wont. Shades +of the prison-house began to close about our growing joy, "These +'ere jobs," remarked William, "are going to take a bit of dodging, +dearie. Looks to me as though you might cop out for anything from +a tram-driver to Lord Chief. Wish people wouldn't be so infernally +obliging. And, anyway, what is this--an Army or a Labour Exchange?" + +As the days wore on the strain became more and more intense. William's +old school had contrived an association which begged to be allowed to +do anything in the world for him except leave him for a single day in +idleness. And what time the Army was not making inquiries about his +own civil intentions and abilities it was insisting on his extracting +the same information from the platoons. William grew haggard and +morose. He began looking under his bed every night for prospective +employers and took to sleeping with a loaded Webley under his pillow +for fear of being kidnapped by a registry office. He slept in +uneasy snatches, and when he did doze off was tormented by hideous +nightmares. + +In one of them he dreamt he was on leave and walking through the City. +At every doorway he had to run the gauntlet of lithe and implacable +managing directors, all ready to pounce on him, drag him within and +chain him permanently to a stool--with the complete approval of +the Army Council. In another he was appearing before a tribunal of +employers as a conscientious objector to all forms of work. + +The last straw was when the Brigadier caused it to be made known that +if any officer was particularly unsettled about his future he might be +granted a personal interview and it would be seen what could be done +for him. William sat down with the air of one who has established a +thumping bridgehead over his Rubicon and wrote to the Brigadier direct +and as follows:-- + +"SIR,--I have the honour to hope that this finds you a good deal +better than it leaves me at present. In case you should be in any +uncertainty over your prospects on return to half-pay, I shall be +happy to grant you a personal interview at my billet (Sheet 45; G 22a +3.7.) and see whether anything can be arranged to suit you. I may +add that I have a number of excellent appointments on my books, from +knife-boy to traveller to a firm of mineral water manufacturers. For +my own part my immediate future is firmly settled, thank you. For +at least three months after my discharge from the Army I have no +intention of taking up any form of work. + +"I have the honour to be, Sir, + +"YOUR OTHERWISE OBEDIENT SERVANT, ETC." + + * * * * * + +The court-martial was held last Thursday and sentence will be +promulgated any day now. Medical evidence certified William as sane +enough to understand the nature of his offence, but as the War is +over it is unlikely that he will be shot at dawn. William himself is +confident that he will be cashiered, a sentence which carries with +it automatic and permanent exclusion from all appointments under the +Crown. "That makes a tidy gap in the wire," says William hopefully. +"They won't even be able to make a postman of me. With a bit of luck +I'll dodge the unofficial jobs--I get that holiday after all, old +bean." + + * * * * * + + "HUNTING. THE DANGER OF KICKING HORSES."--_Times._ + +Generally the shoe is on the other foot. + + * * * * * + + "The Falkirk iron fitters, by an overwhelming majority, have + opposed the forty-hour week and have agreed to a forty-four + hour week."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Bravo, Falkirk! + + * * * * * + + "The announcement of the augmentation of the British beet + in the Mediterranean appeared exclusively in the 'Sunday + Express.'"--_Daily Express_. + +It doesn't seem anything to boast about. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED.--On a farm, two capable European young or + middle-aged girls."--_South African Paper_. + +There are lots of girls answering this description, but the difficulty +is that most of them are too shy to admit it. + + * * * * * + + "M. Clemenceau ... speaks English with rare perfection, + having spent years in the United States."--_Daily Paper_. + + "M. Clemenceau, speaking in excellent English, said + 'Yes.'"--_Sunday Paper_. + +What he really said, of course, was "Yep." + + * * * * * + +QUESTION AND ANSWER. + + "What _are_ you, Sir?" the Counsel roared. + The timid witness said, "My Lord, + A Season-ticket holder I + Where London's southern suburbs lie." + "Tut, tut," his Lordship made demur, + "He meant what is your business, Sir." + The witness sighed and shook his head, + "I get no time for that," he said. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SERVICE EVOLUTION. BUD. BLOSSOM. FRUIT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Guest_ (_who has cut the cloth_). "BILLIARDS REQUIRE +CONSTANT PRACTICE."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CRISIS. + +(_BY A FUTILITY RABBIT KEEPER_.) + + There is a rabbit in the pansy bed, + There is a burrow underneath the wall, + There is a rabbit everywhere you tread, + To-day I heard a rabbit in the hall, + The same that sits at evening in my shoes + And sings his usefulness, or simply chews; + There is no corner sacred to the Muse-- + And how shall man demobilise them all? + + Far back, when England was devoid of food, + Men bade me breed the coney and I bought + Timber and wire-entanglements and hewed + Fair roomy palaces of pine-wood wrought, + Wherein our first-bought sedulously gnawed + And every night escaped and ran abroad; + Yet she was lovely and we named her Maud, + And if she ate the primulas, 'twas nought. + + The months rolled onward and she multiplied, + And all her progeny resembled her; + They ate the daffodils; they seldom died; + And no one thought of them as provender; + The children fed them weekly for a treat, + And my wife said, "The _little_ things--how sweet! + If you imagine I can ever eat + A rabbit called Persephone, you err." + + Yet famine might have hardened that proud breast, + Only that victory removed the threat; + And now, if e'er I venture to suggest + That it is time that some of them were ate, + That Maud is pivotal and costing pounds, + And how the garden is a mass of mounds, + She answers me, on military grounds, + "Peace is not come. We cannot eat them yet." + + So I shall steal to yon allotment space + With a large bag of rabbits, and unseen + Demobilise them, and in that fair place + They all shall browse on cauliflower and bean; + There Smith will come on Saturday, and think + That it is shell-shock or disease or drink; + But Maud shall dwell for ever there and sink + A world of burrows in Laburnum Green. A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +SECRETS OF THE PEACE CONFERENCE. + + "The proceedings yesterday afternoon began punctually at three + o'clock. Lord Robert Cecil sat with the British delegates. M. + Léon Bourgeois sat among the French delegates."--_Manchester + Guardian_. + +And not, as might have been thought, _vice versâ_. + + * * * * * + + "A thoroughly capable and energetic man wanted, who will look + after a family concern: Must understand management of 25 acre + farm with 10 cows, about four acres may have to be broken up. + Must be an experienced brewer, capable of mashing 10 times + a week, and taking entire charge of brewing operations with + assistance of unskilled labour. Must be conversant with + licensing laws and requirements, also present restrictions + as applying to brewing; thoroughly understand and superintend + wines and spirits department, direct repairs, capable buyer, + general manager, organiser and foreman. Must be thorough + accountant, capable of directing office and branch work, + conversant with income-tax and excess profits duty practice. + Able to drive, or willing to learn a 4-ton Commer lorry, + must be motor-cyclist to visit branches, and manage + public-houses. Absolutely essential to understand and + drive oil engines.--Further particulars apply ---- and + Sons."--_Daily Paper_. + +What we chiefly miss is any information as to how the man is to fill +up his spare time. + + * * * * * + + "ITALIAN SPELLING. + + "There are to be streets in Athens named after President Wilson + and after Mr. Lloyd George. In the 'Patris,' an Athens paper, + we read that 'Wilson' is spelt 'Ouilson,' whilst 'George' is + Tzortz,' 'Bonar Law' is 'Mponar Lo.'"--_Birmingham Mail_. + +We bow to our contemporary's erudition, but we confess it all looks +Greek to us. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROGRESSIVE WEIGHT-LIFTER.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Betty_. "MUMMY, DOES GOD SEND US OUR FOOD?" + +_Mother_. "YES, DEAR; OF COURSE HE DOES." + +_Betty_. "BUT WHAT A PRICE!"] + + * * * * * + +ALL THE TALENTS. + +Now that hostilities are at an end it is thought by many intelligent +young subalterns that a little variety might well be introduced into +Army routine. + +For instance, at a General's Inspection why should not Officers' +duties be allotted after this fashion?-- + +The Commanding Officer will bind up the Second-in-Command with a +length of red tape, showing that no escape is possible from this +form of entanglement. + +The Adjutant will give an exhibition of paper manipulation, using +various Army Forms for this purpose. + +The Assistant-Adjutant will demonstrate how a morning's work may be +made of the changing of a pen-nib, while still creating an impression +of devoted industry. + +The Messing Officer will fry a fillet of sole by means of haybox +cookery, and during the process will publicly skin a ration rabbit +in such a way that not the slightest depreciation is caused in the +value of 2½d. attached to a rabbit-skin. + +The Officer i/e Demobilisation will demobilise you while you wait +(provided you can wait long enough). + +The Quartermaster will make a model of Hampton Court Maze, +illustrative of the intricacies of his department, taking care that +his model appropriately differs from the original in having no means +of exit. + +The Medical Officer will demonstrate how the huge national +accumulation of No. 9 pills may be adapted to civilian purposes by +using the pill _(a)_ as a fertiliser for the Officers' tennis lawn, +and _(b)_ as a destroyer of the superfluous grass bordering thereon. + +Company Commanders will collaborate in a display of standing on +their own feet without the assistance of their respective Company +Sergeant-Majors. (N.B.--Absolute silence is requested during this +very delicate performance.) + +The Junior Subaltern will give an exhibition of stunt saluting. + + * * * * * + +TO MY DRESS SUIT. + + Old friend, well met! I've longed for this reunion; + You've been the lodestar of this storm-tossed ship + In those long hours which poets call Communion + With one's own Soul, and common folk the Pip. + + The foe might rage, the Brigadier might bluster. + Was I down-hearted? No! My spirit soared + And dreamt of you and me with blended lustre + Gracing some well-spread and convivial board. + + And what if now you fit askew where erstwhile + Fair lines bewrayed a figure not too svelte? + What if your shoulder-seams are like to burst, while + A sad hiatus shows beneath the belt? + + As April fills the buds to shapely beauty, + As cooks fill Robert with plum-cake and tea, + So, it may be, a diet rich and fruity + May fill the gap that sunders you from me. + + And if it fail, as I'm a, living sinner + I'll save you from the gaze of scornful eyes. + They say that Bolsheviks don't dress for dinner; + I'll off to Petrograd and Bolshevize. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Mayor_. "THE CONTENTS OF THE PURSE WILL IN TIME +INEVITABLY DISAPPEAR; BUT (_laying his hand on the clock_) HERE IS +SOMETHING WHICH WILL NEVER GO."] + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR PROPORTION. + + [Its contemporaries having told us all about Mr. Lloyd + George's hat and how President Wilson ate a banana, _The + Daily Express_ recently went one better with the headline, + "Mr. Balfour joins a Tennis Club," as the subheading of its + "Peace Conference Notes."] + + Has it always been this way, I wonder, + Did editors always display + The same disposition to blunder + O'er the weight of the news of the day? + When simpler was war and directer, + Was Athens accustomed to see + In the sheets of its _Argus_ how Hector + Had bloaters for tea? + + If so--or indeed if it's not so-- + One cannot but gently deplore + That the custom of chronicling rot so + Has not been expunged by the War. + When the world with its horrors still stunned is + And waits for vast hopes to come true, + What boots it if delegates' undies + Are scarlet or blue? + + All facts of those delegates' labours + I'm ready to read with a zest, + And they must, like myself and my neighbours, + I know, have their moments of rest; + I do not begrudge them their pleasures, + But frankly I don't care a rap + If the sport that engages their leisure's + "Up, Jenkins" or "Snap." + + Since the founts of its wisdom present us + Each morning with gems of this kind, + Such matters must strike as momentous + The news-editorial mind; + 'Tis time this delusion was done with, + High time that some voice made it clear + We don't want those fountains to run with + Such very small beer. + + * * * * * + + "A married man, aged 34 years, collided with the mail train + when riding a motorcycle into Hawera on Friday. His right + arm, collarbone, and blue hospital uniforms on Thursday + morning."--_New Zealand Herald_. + +We rather like this telescopic style of reporting. It leaves something +to the reader's imagination. + + * * * * * + + "To Parents and Pawnbrokers.--Anyone assisting to remove the + Charity Boots, marked B., from the Children's Feet, which + are the property of Mr. J. B---- and his Supporters, WILL BE + PROSECUTED."--_Irish Paper_. + +A distressful country, indeed, where the children do not own their own +feet. + + * * * * * + +WINCHESTER'S OPPORTUNITY. + +War legislation has pressed hard on many callings, and on none more +than that of the architect. But the embargo has been lifted; the +ancient art is coming to its own again, and it is of happy omen +that the new President of the Royal Academy has been chosen from the +architects. In this context we welcome the stimulating article in a +recent issue of _The Times_ _à propos_ of the Winchester War Memorial. +"Are we never," asks the writer, "to take risks in our architecture?" +and his answer, briefly summed up, is "Perish the thought. _De +l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace._" It is, of +course, a pity that the Winchester War Memorial scheme has not met +with the unanimous approval of Wykehamists. Possibly they have reason, +for while adding a new cloister, a new gateway and a new hall to +the existing school buildings, it involves the pulling down of the +Quingentenary Memorial Building, erected some twenty years ago, and +of some old houses in Kingsgate Street. Some consider such a drastic +destruction to be unfortunate, but, says _The Times_, it is "necessary +if any scheme worthy of the occasion is to be carried out." Moreover +it is proposed to re-erect the Quingentenary Memorial on a new site, +"where it will certainly look as well as ever." + +The greatest event in our history, as the writer finely observes, +cannot be worthily commemorated by any timid compromise. Winchester +has set a splendid example, but it is perhaps too much to expect +that it will be followed by London, owing to the inevitable clash of +conflicting interests in our unwieldy metropolis. The erection of +a new Pantheon on the site of St. Paul's and the removal of WREN'S +massive but _démodé_ structure to Hampstead Heath, where it would +certainly look as well as ever, is, we fear, however much _The Times_ +may desire it, beyond the range of practical politics. But example is +infectious, and if only the Winchester authorities would expand their +scheme and carry it out with Dantonesque audacity to its full logical +conclusion, other towns and cities might ultimately fall into line. + +Winchester Cathedral, as we need hardly remind our readers, has only +been rescued from subsidence and collapse at an immense cost by a +lavish use of the resources of modern engineering. The building itself +is not without merits, but its site is inconspicuous and the swampy +nature of the soil is a constant menace to its durability. The scheme +which we venture with all humility to suggest is that it should be +removed and re-erected, in the same spirit though in the architectural +language of our own day, on the summit of St. Catherine's Hill, +where it would look better than ever, and be connected by a scenic +neo-Gothic railway with Meads. This would not only add to the +amenities of the landscape, but enable the present cathedral site to +be utilized for a purpose more in consonance with the needs of the +age. We do not presume to dictate, but may point out that if the +deanery and the canons' houses were pulled down and re-erected on the +golf-links, where they would look better than ever, space would be +available for a majestic aerodrome, or, better still, an experimental +water-stadium for submarines, in memory of KING ALFRED, the founder of +our Fleet. + +Into the question of details, design and cost it is not for us to +enter. We confine ourselves to appealing with all the force at our +command to Winchester, fortunate, as _The Times_ reminds us, in the +choice of an architect of genius and ingenuity, to persevere, to +rise to the occasion, to cast compromise to the winds and above all +to remember that the greatest compliment which can be paid to the +architects of the past is to remove their buildings to sites where +they look better than ever and do not suffer from the immediate +neighbourhood of the masterpieces of their successors. Architecture +has been defined as "frozen music." But on great occasions such as +this it needs to be taken out of its cold-storage and judiciously +thawed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SOFT ANSWER. + +_Navvy_ (_to person who has accidentally bumped him_). "GO TO +BLANKETY--BLANK--BLANK--BLAZES." + +_Person_. "GENTLE STRANGER, YOUR LIGHTEST WISH, EXPRESSED IN SUCH +COURTEOUS LANGUAGE, IS TO ME A COMMAND." + +(_Ambulance call_.)] + + * * * * * + + "Lost, sulky inflate."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + + * * * * * + +CIVIL EDUCATION FOR SOLDIERS. + +When the armistice was signed and the close season for Germans set in, +it occurred to the authorities that it would be a waste of labour to +continue to train some few million good men for a shooting season that +might never re-open, and the weekly programme became rather a sketchy +affair till some brain more brilliant than the rest conceived the +idea of giving a good sound education in the arts of peace to this +promising and waiting multitude. The idea was joyfully accepted, and +gradually filtered through its authorised channels, suffering some +office change or other at each stage till it finally reached one of +our ancient seats of learning. It arrived rather like the peremptory +order of a newly-gazetted and bewildered subaltern, who, having got +his platoon hopelessly tied up, falls back on the time-honoured and +usually infallible "Carry on, Sergeant." + +There were some six-hundred white-hatted cadets stationed at this +spot, all thirsting (presumably) for information on gas, and Mills +bombs, and studs on the cocking-piece, and forming fours, and vertical +intervals and District Courts-martial; and when the order came to +"carry on" with education it caused something like a panic. A council +of war nearly caused Head-quarters to cancel a battalion parade, but +they pulled themselves together and held the drill, and the appointed +Jack as "Battalion Education Officer," and empowered him to draft a +scheme of work. + +When produced it consisted of fourteen paragraphs, each of which +finished up with the sentence, "This is obviously a problem for the +Company Commander." Jack had nothing to learn as to the duties of a +battalion specialist and realised that his responsibility lay simply +in providing Company Commanders, and then finding problems for them +to solve. As the Company Commanders were already in being his work +was simplified. + +However, the Company Commanders, being men of merit, cheerfully +accepted the situation and approached their victims. "We are going to +teach you," they said. "What would you like to be taught?" + +"Well," said the victims, "what have you got?" + +"Oh, anything you like," said the Company Commanders. "Just you choose +your subject and we'll do the rest." + +Now that was very generous, but rather rash. For the victims took them +at their word, and so by the time the perspiring Platoon Commanders +had produced their returns (in triplicate) it was found that there +were forty-three subjects to be provided for, including seven +languages, six branches of science, four kinds of engineering, +six commercial subjects and various sundries, such as metaphysics, +wool-classing and coker-nut planting. + +The way the Company Commanders dealt with this problem was quite +simple and ingenious. They sent for all junior officers and asked +what they were prepared to teach. The result seemed really rather +good. Tom said he would take French, having spent three months in +Northern France before they sent him to Salonika. Dick's father +has an allotment and Dick himself occasionally hunts, so he chose +Agriculture, Oswald chose Mathematics, on the strength of having been +a Quartermaster-Sergeant in the Public Schools Brigade in September, +1914. Wilfred once went to a gas course for ten days, so of course +his subject was Science. Arthur really does know something about +Architecture and can also enlarge a map quite nicely, so he put down +Drawing. John chose Theology. He said he once read the lessons in +church; really he thought he was safe to draw a blank. + +Once more the Company Commanders were equal to the emergency. They +looked at it in this way. French is a foreign language; Spanish is +also a foreign language. Tom offers to teach a foreign language; +therefore Tom shall teach Spanish. Corn-growing in Western Canada, +sheep-raising in Australia and coker-nut planting are all obviously +agriculture. Dick says he can teach Agriculture; so he shall. The +science of manures caused some discussion as to whether it should +be agriculture or science, but it was finally settled in favour of +science, which also included physics, electricity and crystallography. +John got four theological students, but, when he investigated, he +found that one was a Jew and one a Presbyterian minister, while the +other two, like himself, thought that no one else would have thought +of it. And these touch only the fringe of the subject. + +The indent sent in for materials was a rather formidable one, but the +article most in demand was a sheep, which was wanted at the same time +by Dick for his Agriculture and Arthur for his Drawing, and also by +Mac, who is O.C. the Butchery class. Mac wrote a polite little note +saying he must have at least one a week, and he'd like "a pig to be +going on with, if you please," promising to hand, the latter over +complete and in good order, when he'd done with it, to Jones for his +bacon-curing class, "upon receipt of signature for same." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Politically inclined Nurse_ (_exhibiting new daughter +to M.P._). "LET US 'OPE, SIR, THAT SHE MAY LIVE TO BE CALLED THE +MOTHER OF THE 'OUSE OF COMMONS."] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "120 Pairs Unbleached Calico Sheets, 2 x 2¾ yards. Sale price, + 12/11 per pair; present value, 1/- per pair."--_Yorkshire + Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Including new enlistments there are about 1,000 men + concentrated in and around Berlin."--_Manchester Guardian_. + +Let FOCH be warned. + + * * * * * + + "BAD BOYS AND THE BIRCH. + + "We are glad to observe that the Recorder has decided to adopt + stern measures with juvenile offenders who are brought before + him in future."--_Irish Times_. + +"Stern measures" is good. + + * * * * * + + "NON-STOP WAIST DRIVES, Every Wednesday Evening at 8.30. £10 + Top, and Six other Special Prizes."--_Local Paper_. + +Believed to be under the patronage of the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD PROBLEM IN PARIS. + +The cost of living in the vicinity of the Peace Conference has been +enormously exaggerated. Likewise the difficulty of reorganizing Europe +on a truly ethnic basis. By combining the two questions I have found +them immensely simplified, and I have been in Paris only three days. + +My meaning will be clearly illustrated by the record of a single day's +experience--with the representative of the Dodopeloponnesians for +_déjeûner_ and the delegate of the Pan-Deuteronomaniads for dinner. + +I made the acquaintance of the first in the lift. On the way down +it came out that I was _journaliste_ assisting at the Conference of +the Peace, whereupon the other introduced himself as secretary of +the Dodopeloponnesian delegation and eager for the pleasure of +entertaining me at _déjeûner_. + +Nothing international arose in connection with the _hors d'oeuvres_. +It was between the soup and the fish that my host inquired whether +I had yet found time to look into the just claim of the +Dodopeloponnesian people to the neighbouring island of Funicula. + +"You mean," I said, "on the ground that the island of Funicula was +brought under the Dodopeloponnesian sceptre on September 11th, 1405, +by Blagoslav the Splay-fingered, from whom it was wrested on February +3rd, 1406, by the Seljuks?" + +"Precisely," he said. "But also because the people of Funicula are +originally of Dodopeloponnesian stock." + +"Yet they speak the language of Pan-Deuteronomania," I said. + +"A debased dialect," he said, "foisted upon them by a remission of +ten per cent. in taxes for every hundred words of the lingo learned +by heart, with double votes for irregular verbs." + +The _entrée_, something with eggs and jelly, was excellent. + +"Far be it from me to deny," I said, "the fact that Funicula is by +right a part of the inheritance of the Octo-syllabarians"--and I bowed +gracefully to my host, who raised his glass in return--"and I agree +in advance with every argument you put forward in favour of a restored +Sesquicentennial commonwealth by bringing together the scattered +members of the Duodecimal race from all over the world. In fact," I +added as the waiter poured out the champagne, "it seems to me that +in addition to the Island of Funicula there properly belongs, in the +realm of your Greater Anti-Vivisectoria, the adjacent promontory, +geyser and natural bridge of Pneumobronchia, from which the last +Seljuk ruler, Didyffius the Forty-fifth, leaped in front of a +machete wielded by his eldest son, who therefore became Didymus the +Forty-sixth." + +He was delighted to find so much sympathy and understanding in an +alien journalist from far across the seas. His bill, so far as a +hurried and discreet glance could reveal, was 89 francs 50 centimes, +not including the _taxe_. + +On the other hand, the _sous-secrétaire_ of the Pan-Deuteronomaniad +delegation, who took me out to dinner that same night, paid 127 francs +(including theatre tickets) before he proved to my satisfaction +that the basic civilization of Funicula Island is after all +Pan-whatever-you-call-it. + +At any rate my point is made. My expenditure on food these three +days in Paris has been negligible, and there is rumour that the +Supra-Zambesian delegation is thinking of opening a hotel with running +water, h. and c., in every room. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gunner_. "DO YOU PLAY THE PIANO?" + +_Jack_. "NO, SIR." + +_Gunner_. "NOR THE 'CELLO?" + +_Jack_. "NO, SIR." + +_Gunner_. "WELL, THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR RUMOURS OF A BARBER JUST +FOLLOW THE MATTER UP."] + + * * * * * + +_DULCE DOMUM_. + + The air is full of rain and sleet, + A dingy fog obscures the street; + I watch the pane and wonder will + The sun be shining on Boar's Hill, + Rekindling on his western course + The dying splendour of the gorse + And kissing hands in joyous mood + To primroses in Bagley Wood. + I wish that when old Phoebus drops + Behind yon hedgehog-haunted copse + And high and bright the Northern Crown + Is standing over White Horse Down + I could be sitting by the fire + In that my Land of Heart's Desire-- + A fire of fir-cones and a log + And at my feet a fubsy dog + In Robinwood! In Robinwood! + I think the angels, if they could, + Would trade their harps for railway tickets + Or hang their crowns upon the thickets + And walk the highways of the world + Through eves of gold and dawns empearled, + Could they be sure the road led on + Twixt Oxford spires and Abingdon + To where above twin valleys stands + Boar's Hill, the best of promised lands; + That at the journey's end there stood + A heaven on earth like Robinwood. + + Heigho! The sleet still whips the pane + And I must turn to work again + Where the brown stout of Erin hums + Through Dublin's aromatic slums + And Sinn Fein youths with shifty faces + Hold "Parliaments" in public places + And, heaping curse on mountainous curse + In unintelligible Erse, + Harass with threats of war and arson + Base Briton and still baser CARSON. + But some day when the powers that be + Demobilise the likes of me + (Some seven years hence, as I infer, + My actual exit will occur) + Swift o'er the Irish Sea I'll fly, + Yea, though each wave be mountains high, + Nor pause till I descend to grab + Oxford's surviving taxicab. + Then "Home!" (Ah, HOME! my heart be still!) + I'll say, and, when we reach Boar's Hill, + I'll fill my lungs with heaven's own air + And pay the cabman twice his fare, + Then, looking far and looking nigh, + Bare-headed and with hand on high, + "Hear ye," I'll cry, "the vow I make, + Familiar sprites of byre and brake, + _J'y suis, j'y reste_. Let Bolshevicks + Sweep from the Volga to the Styx; + Let internecine carnage vex + The gathering hosts of Poles and Czechs, + And Jugo-Slavs and Tyrolese + Impair the swart Italian's ease-- + Me for Boar's Hill! These war-worn ears + Are deaf to cries for volunteers; + No Samuel Browne or British warm + Shall drape this svelte Apolline form + Till over Cumnor's outraged top + The actual shells begin to drop; + Till below Youlberry's stately pines + Echo the whiskered Bolshy's lines + And General TROTSKY'S baggage blocks + The snug bar-parlour of 'The Fox.'" + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +ROMANCE WHILE YOU WAIT. + +My friend and I occupied facing seats in a railway-carriage on a +tedious journey. Having nothing to read and not much to say, I gazed +through the windows at the sodden English winter landscape, while +my friend's eyes were fixed on the opposite wall of the compartment, +above my head. + +"What a country!" I exclaimed at last. "Good heavens, what a country, +to spend one's life in!" + +"Yes," he said, withdrawing his eyes from the space above my head. +"And why do we stay in it when there are such glorious paradises to go +to? Hawaii now. If you really want divine laziness--sun and warmth and +the absence of all fretful ambition--you should go to the South Seas. +You can't get it anywhere else. I remember when I was in Hawaii--" + +"Hawaii!" I interrupted. "You never told me you had been to Hawaii." + +"I don't tell everything," he replied. "But the happiest hours of +my existence were spent in a little village two or three miles +from Honolulu, on the coast, where we used to go now and then for +a day's fun. It was called--let me get it right--it was called +Tormo Tonitui--and there were pleasure-gardens there and the most +fascinating girls." His eyes took on a far-away wistfulness. + +"Yes, yes?" I said. + +"Fascinating brown girls," he said, "who played that banjo-mandolin +thing they all play, and sang mournful luxurious songs, and danced +under the lanterns at night. And the bathing! There's no bathing here +at all. There you can stay in the sea air day if you like. It's like +bathing in champagne. Sun and surf and sands--there's nothing like +it." He sighed rapturously. + +"Well, I can't help saying again," I interrupted, "that it's a most +extraordinary thing that, after knowing you all these years, you +have never told me a word about Honolulu or the South Seas or this +wonderful pleasure-garden place called--what was the name of it?" + +He hesitated for a moment. "Morto Notitui," he then replied. + +"I don't think that's how you had it before," I said; "surely it was +Tormo Tonitui?" + +"Perhaps it was," he said. "I forget. Those Hawaiian names are very +much alike and all rather confusing. But you really ought to go out +there. Why don't you cut everything for a year and get some sunshine +into your system? You're fossilising here. We all are. Let's be +gamblers and chance it." + +"I wish I could," I said. "Tell me some more about your life there." + +"It was wonderful," he went on--wonderful. I'm not surprised that +STEVENSON found it a paradise." + +"By the way," I asked, "did you hear anything of STEVENSON?" + +"Oh, yes, lots. I met several men who had known him--Tusitala he +was called there, you know--and several natives. There was one +extraordinary old fellow who had helped him make the road up the +mountain. He and I had some great evenings together, yarning and +drinking copra." + +"Did he tell you anything particularly personal about STEVENSON?" I +asked. + +"Nothing that I remember," he said; "but he was a fine old fellow and +as thirsty as they make 'em." + +"What is copra like?" I asked. + +"Great," he said. "Like--what shall I say?--well, like Audit ale and +Veuve Clicquot mixed. But it got to your head. You had to be careful. +I remember one night after a day's bathing at--at Tromo Titonui--" + +"Where was that?" I asked. + +"Oh, that little village I was telling you about," he said. "I +remember one night--" + +"Look here," I said, "you began by calling it Tormo Tonitui, then you +called it Morto Notitui and now it's Tromo Titonui. I'm going to say +again, quite seriously, that I don't believe you ever were in Hawaii +at all." + +"Of course I wasn't," he replied. "But what is one to do in a railway +carriage, with nothing to read, and a drenched world and those two +words staring one in the face?" and he pointed to a placard above my +head advertising a firm which provided the best and cheapest Motor +Tuition. + + * * * * * + +DEMOBILISED. + + Daddy's got his civvies on: + In his room upstairs + You should have heard him stamping round, + Throwing down the chairs; + When I went to peep at him + Daddy banged his door.... + Well, I think I'll hide from Daddy + Till the next Great War! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Exhausted Shopman_. "WELL, SIR, YOU'VE HAD ON EVERY +HAT IN THE PLACE. I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SUGGEST." + +_Fastidious Warrior_ (_hopelessly_). "NO, I SEE NOTHING FOR IT BUT +TO REMAIN IN THE ARMY."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +MR. ARNOLD BENNETT'S new novel, _The Roll Call_ (HUTCHINSON), is +a continuation of the _Clayhanger_ series to the extent that its +hero, _George Cannon_, is the stepson of _Edwin_, who himself makes +a perfunctory appearance at the close of the tale. The scene is, +however, now London, where we watch _George_ winning fame and fortune, +quite in the masterful Five-Towns manner, as an architect. The change +is, I think, beneficial. That quality of unstalable astonishment, +native to Mr. BENNETT's folk, accords better with the complexities +of the wonderful city than to places where it had at times only +indifferent matter upon which to work. But it is noticeable that Mr. +BENNETT can communicate this surprise not only to his characters but +to his readers. There is an enthusiasm, real or apparent, in his art +which, like the beam celestial, "evermore makes all things new," so +that when he tells us, as here, that there are studios in Chelsea +or that the lamps in the Queen's Hall have red shades, these facts +acquire the thrill of sudden and almost startling discovery. I suppose +this to be one reason for the pleasure that I always have in his +books; another is certainly the intense, even passionate sympathy +that he lavishes upon the central character. In the present example +the affairs of _George Cannon_ are shown developing largely under the +stimulus of four women, of whom the least seen is certainly the most +interesting, while _Lois_, the masterful young female whom _George_ +marries, promises as a personality more than she fulfils. We conduct +_George's_ fortunes as far as the crisis produced in them by the +War, and leave him contemplating a changed life as a subaltern in +the R.F.A. It is therefore permissible to hope that in a year or +two we may expect the story of his reconstruction. I shall read it +with delight. + + * * * * * + +_Iron Times with the Guards_ (MURRAY), by an O.E., is emphatically +one of the books which one won't turn out from one's war-book shelf. +It fills in blanks which appear in more ambitious and more orderly +narratives. This particular old Etonian, entering the new Army by way +of the Territorials in the first days of the War, was transferred, in +the March of 1915, to the Coldstreams and was in the fighting line +in April of the same year. A way they had in the Army of those great +days. Details of the routine of training, reported barrack-square +jests and dug-out conversations, vignettes of trench and field, +disquisitions on many strictly relevant and less relevant topics, +reflections of that fine pride in the regiment which marks the best +of soldiers, an occasional more ambitious survey of a battle or a +campaign--all this from a ready but not pretentious pen, guided by a +sound intelligence and some power of observation, makes an admirable +commentary. Our author's narrative carries us to those days of the +great hopes of the Spring of 1917, hopes so tragically deferred. +Perhaps the best thing in an interesting sheaf is the description +of the attack of the Guards Division--as it had become--on the +Transloy-Lesboeufs-Ginchy road, with its glory and its carnage. + + * * * * * + +It is to be feared that _Battle Days_ (BLACKWOOD), a new work by Mr. +ARTHUR FETTERLESS, author of _Gog_, will lose a good many readers as +the result of the armistice. There are battle stories and battle books +that are not stories that will live far into the piping times of peace +because they are human documents or have the stamp of genius. These +attractions are not present in _Battle Days_, which in truth is rather +a prosy affair, though ambitious withal. It is not fiction in the +ordinary sense. Mr. FETTERLESS essays to conduct the reader through +every phase of a big "Push." Pushes were complicated affairs, and the +author does not spare us many of the complications. And unless the +reader happens to be an ardent militarist he is apt to push off into +slumberland. Cadets should be made to read this book as a matter of +instruction; for, though it lacks the subtle humour that endeared +_Duffer's Drift_ to us, it provides a striking analysis of modern +trench warfare. + + * * * * * + +_The Curtain of Steel_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is the fourth book which +the author of _In the Northern Mists_ has given us during the War, and +in essentials it is the most valuable of the quartette. For here we +have real history, served, it is true, with some trimmings, but none +the less a true record of the doings of our Grand Fleet since the day +when the "curtain" was lowered. "Nothing," our author says, "nauseates +a naval man so much as the attempt to represent him as a hero or to +theatricalise him and his profession." It behoves me then to choose +my words with the utmost circumspection, and I beg him to forgive my +audacity when I say that, if I were Book-Controller, a copy of _The +Curtain of Steel_ would be in (and out of) the library of every +school in the Empire. I find courage to make this statement because I +see that he does not deny that a part of our "disease of ignorance" +concerning the Senior Service is due to the modesty of Naval men. +If he will please go on correcting that ignorance, and in the same +inspiring style, I wish an even greater access of power to his elbow. + + * * * * * + +"I am allowed the reputation of a tolerable guide in writing and +style, and I can certainly help you to produce clear English." These +words, written in 1881, are to be found in a letter of GEORGE MEREDITH +to his eldest son. They show how wildly mistaken even the best of us +may be with regard to our own qualities and gifts; for if there is one +thing that MEREDITH could not produce, that thing is clear English. +Mr. S.M. ELLIS agrees with me in this particular point, and has +written _George Meredith: His Life and Friends in Relation to his +Work_ (GRANT RICHARDS) to prove that this is so. The book is a curious +compound. At one moment Mr. ELLIS sets out in detail the Meredithian +genealogy, and shows that MEREDITH was the son and grandson of tailors +and did not relish the relationship; at another moment he describes +MEREDITH'S delightful and exuberantly youthful characteristics as a +friend; and again he shows how badly MEREDITH behaved in regard to his +first wife (though she was much more in fault), and also in regard to +his first son, Arthur. Still the book is extremely interesting and, +though it does not profess to deal in elaborate criticism, it contains +some very shrewd comments on MEREDITH'S work and the reasons that made +his novels so many sealed books to the British public. Here and there +Mr. ELLIS allows himself almost to write a passage or two in the style +of the master. This is one of them: "As he [Maurice Fitzgerald] was +the gourmetic instrument that brought Mrs. Ockenden's art to perfect +expression, he appropriately attained immortalisation jointly with her +at the hands of the friend who had shared with him the joys of that +good woman's superlative cookery in Seaford days." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PAY-TABLE. (THE END OF A PERFECT WAR.) "JOHN SMITH, +A.B., THREE POUNDS TEN--IN DEBT."] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, half-governess for boy aged nine, girl aged six; + wages £30 per year."--_Morning Post_. + +A half-governess is, we suppose, the feminine equivalent of two +quartermasters. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Nurse, nursery college trained, wanted, under 34; + very experienced babies."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Perhaps they will know too much for her. + + * * * * * + + "Will gentleman, navy mackintosh, who spoke to lady, blue + hat, vicinity Park Station, Tuesday, 6 o'clock, speak again + same time?"--_Liverpool Echo_. + +The gentleman will doubtless beg a ride on Mr. H.G. WELLS'S "Time +Machine" in order to get back in time for the appointment. + + * * * * * + + [Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE. K.O.B., has been appointed Permanent + Secretary to the Ministry of Food.] + + To skimp its daily bread for beer + Was not this nation's mood; + But now with lightened hearts we hear + That BEVERIDGE turns to Food. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11868 *** diff --git a/11868-h/11868-h.htm b/11868-h/11868-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f834ea --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/11868-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2618 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 5, 1919, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11868 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +Feb. 5, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 156.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 5, 1919.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" + id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The Germans refer to the Armistice negotiations as + <i>Waffenstillstandeverhandlungen</i>. We hope it will be worse + even than they think.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the rumour that among the many new + performances of <i>Hamlet</i> which are promised there will be + one in aid of the fund for brightening the lives of the clergy, + with the Gloomy Dean as the Gloomy Dane.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We Americans do not consider ourselves the salt of the + earth," says Senator HENRY. No, but their bacon certainly + is.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In view of the fact that there is a large quantity of + marmalade in the country, it has been decided to release it. + This is such a satisfactory solution of the problem that people + are wondering whether the Food Ministry thought of that one + themselves.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Our heart goes out to the soldier who, when offered, on + demobilisation, the option of fifty-two shillings and sixpence + or a standard suit, replied that he would rather pay the + fine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The only surprising thing about Mr. C.B. COCHRAN'S proposal + for a Peace Fair in Hyde Park, to be arranged largely by + himself, is that there is no mention of a Serpentine dance for + DELYSIA.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Australian Government proposes to send returned + Australian soldiers to prospect for minerals in the Northern + Territories. Whether they will be interested in them after + their experience in England in failing to locate quarts is + another matter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sir EDWARD ELGAR has dedicated his new orchestral work, + "Polonia," to M. PADEREWSKI. The report that the distinguished + pianist-politician is thinking of retorting with a fugue, + "Stiltonia," is not confirmed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Aircraft Salvage branch announces that not less than one + thousand five hundred yards of the aeroplane linen which is + being disposed of to the public will be sold to one purchaser. + In the event of the purchaser deciding to use it as a + pocket-handkerchief he can have it hemstitched for a trifling + sum.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Improvement is reported in the condition of the taxi-cab + driver who had a seizure in Piccadilly Circus while attempting + to say "Thank you" to a fare.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are pleased to be able to announce that the Kensington + man who last week managed to board a tube train has consented + to write a book about it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Writing to a contemporary a Leeds correspondent says that he + does not think much of an inactive corporation. As a matter of + fact, since the introduction of rationing we didn't think + active ones were being worn.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As a result of munition work, says a health journal, quite a + number of men have given up smoking tobacco. We suppose the + theory is that they have now taken to smoking threepenny + cigars.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mrs. MAGGIE HATHWAY of Montana is to be congratulated upon + running a six-hundred-acre farm without the help of men's + labour. After all we men must admit that her sporting effort is + a distinct score for the second oldest sex in the world.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Anglesea Police Commission are offering one shilling and + sixpence a dozen for rats' tails to residents of the county. + Some difficulty is expected in distinguishing local from + imported tails once they are separated from the rat.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In connection with the offers for Drury Lane Theatre it + appears that one of the would-be purchasers declares that he + was more syndicate than sinning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In connection with the epidemic of burglaries in London, + <i>The Daily Express</i> has now published a leader note saying + there have been too many of late. It is hoped that this will + have the desired effect.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to report that the gentleman who, at the BURNS + festival, upon being asked if he would take a little haggis + replied that he wouldn't mind trying a wing, managed to escape + with his life.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A West Hampstead architect has designed a cottage in which + there will be no bricks in the walls, no timber in the roof, no + slates or tiles and no register grates. Too late. + Jerry-builders accomplished that trick years ago.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>While walking in Highams Park, Chingford, says a + contemporary, a postman picked up a package containing one + ounce of butter. To his eternal credit let it be said that he + at once took it to the nearest police station.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The best brains of the country are still exercised by the + alleged need of brightening cricket. One of our own suggestions + is that the bowler should be compelled to do three Jazz-steps + and two Fox-trots before delivering the ball.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A typist recently fell from a moving train on the Isle of + Wight railway, but was able to get up and walk towards her + destination. We hear she had a good deal to say to the guard + when she overtook the train.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/93.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/93.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="Aero Gun" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="53%" + valign="top">DEPARTURE FROM DOWNING STREET + 10 A.M.</td> + + <td width="9%"></td> + + <td width="38%" + valign="top">ARRIVAL AT THE QUAI D'ORSAY + 10.5 A.M.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <h3>THE NEW AERO-GUN SERVICE BETWEEN LONDON AND + PARIS.</h3>SOLUTION OF THE PROBLEM OF HOW MR. LLOYD GEORGE + CAN BE IN BOTH PLACES MORE OR LESS AT ONCE. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From a <i>feuilleton</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"He had a cleft in his chain which Rosemarie thought + most attractive."—<i>Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There is no accounting for tastes. <i>We</i> should have + thought it suggested the Missing Link.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" + id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span> + + <h2>EVICTED.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A common scandal, inviting the attention of the + Government.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I was amazed the other day to hear that my landlord had + called to see me. Hitherto our intercourse had been by letter + and we had had heated differences on the subject of repairs. + His standpoint seemed to be that landlords were responsible for + repairs only to lightning conductors and weathercocks. My house + possesses neither of these desirable adjuncts.</p> + + <p>I moved an armchair so that no one sitting in it could fail + to see the dampest wall and ordered him to be shown in.</p> + + <p>He was a most benevolent-looking old gentleman, and I felt I + had done him an injustice in regarding him as a property + shark.</p> + + <p>"Glad to see you," he said, shaking me warmly by the + hand.</p> + + <p>"Do sit down," I said. "That chair is the most comfortable. + Don't be afraid. At that distance from the wall the damp won't + affect you."</p> + + <p>"So glad to see how comfortable you are here," said the + benevolent one.</p> + + <p>"If we could occasionally have a hot bath we should be more + comfortable, but the kitchen range is impossible."</p> + + <p>"What you need, my friend, is a house of your own so that + you can adapt it to your own ideas. How would you like this + house?"</p> + + <p>My breath was taken away. Had the kindly one come to present + me with a house? Was I to be the object of an amiable + plutocrat's benevolence?</p> + + <p>"I should like it very much," I said.</p> + + <p>"You shall have it," he said, slapping me amiably on the + knee.</p> + + <p>I gasped for breath. In my time I had had boxes of cigars + given me, but never houses.</p> + + <p>"For fifteen hundred pounds, as you are the tenant," + continued the benevolent one.</p> + + <p>I gasped for breath again.</p> + + <p>"But you bought it for five hundred and fifty pounds just + before the War," I said when I had recovered.</p> + + <p>"Ah, before the War," chuckled the philanthropist.</p> + + <p>"I don't think I can afford fifteen hundred pounds."</p> + + <p>The benevolent one looked disappointed in me. "Dear me," he + said, "and I wanted so much to sell it to you. Well, I shall + have to give you notice to quit in June. This house must be + sold."</p> + + <p>"But I can't get another house."</p> + + <p>"You can have this house. But surely you have some friend + who will advance you fifteen hundred pounds?"</p> + + <p>"You don't know my friends. It would be very awkward to be + turned into the street."</p> + + <p>"You should have a house of your own and be independent. + Every man should own his home. Now can't you think of some + friend who could assist you?"</p> + + <p>"Could you lend me fifteen hundred pounds for a rather + speculative investment?" I inquired.</p> + + <p>"Since my kindly consideration for a tenant is treated with + mockery I give you written notice to leave. A 'For Sale' board + will be placed in your garden. A clause in the lease authorises + me to do that. I wish you good morning."</p> + + <p>Well, I am to be evicted, and, as I'm not an Irishman, no + one will care. I shall not lie in wait with a shot-gun for my + landlord. But there is no clause in the lease forbidding me + from putting up my sale announcement beside the landlord's. It + will run:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>FOR SALE</i></p> + + <p>THIS UNDESIRABLE PROPERTY</p> + + <p>COST £550 IN 1913.</p> + + <p>Never been repaired since.</p> + + <p>Damp guaranteed to come through</p> + + <p>every wall.</p> + + <p>Mice can run under the doors but there</p> + + <p>is not sufficient space for cats to follow them.</p> + + <p>The Kitchen Range is unusable.</p> + + <p>All hope of baths abandon ye who enter here.</p> + + <p>One half of the windows won't open—the others + won't shut.</p> + + <p>All chimneys smoke in all winds.</p> + + <p>A unique chance for the War-rich.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PUFF ERRATIC.</h2> + + <p><i>The New Statesman</i> contains a letter from Mr. ARNOLD + BENNETT, disclaiming all responsibility for the publisher's + official description of his new novel printed on the "jacket" + or paper cover thereof. It had not been submitted to him for + approval and he knew nothing of it. Mr. BENNETT is, of course, + entitled to his protest, but we greatly hope that publishers + will not be induced thereby to abstain from supplying these + interesting summaries. If only the method could be applied to + standard works the results would be even more illuminating. As + for example:</p> + + <p>"HAMLET."</p> + + <p>This delicious comedy is the romance of the <i>Prince of + Denmark</i>, which, unlike other romances, begins after his + marriage: with <i>Polonia</i>, daughter of <i>Horatio</i>, who + had been previously engaged to both <i>Rosenstern</i> and + <i>Guildencranz</i>. <i>Hamlet</i>, by joining a troupe of + strolling players, offends his uncle, the reigning sovereign, + and is confined in a lunatic asylum.</p> + + <p>Brilliant pictures of society in Copenhagen, Denmark Hill + and Heligoland alternate with sparkling studies of the inner + life of a touring company on the Continent.</p> + + <p>"Can a woman love three men?" is the theme of this + engrossing extravaganza.</p> + + <p>"IDYLLS OF THE KING."</p> + + <p>In a series of exciting episodes, written in fluent heroic + couplets, the author gives us a thrilling picture of the + manners and customs of the Court of <i>King Arthur</i>, an + early British sovereign, whose stately home was situated on the + Cornish Riviera.</p> + + <p>Owing to the compromising attentions which he pays to + <i>Elaine</i>, the Lady of Shalott, the <i>King</i> alienates + the affections of <i>Queen Guinevere</i> and is slain by one of + his knights, <i>Lancelot</i> by name.</p> + + <p>Winsome women, gallant paladins and mysterious magicians + throng these fascinating pages, which incidentally throw much + light on the theological problems discussed by the Knights of + the Round Table, among whom <i>Merlin</i>, <i>Vivien</i> and + <i>Enid</i> are especially, prominent.</p> + + <p>"VANITY FAIR."</p> + + <p><i>Major Dobbin</i>, a <i>beau sabreur</i> of irresistible + charm, is on the point of eloping with <i>Amelia Osborne</i>, + the wife of a brother-officer, when the Battle of Waterloo + breaks out and <i>Dobbin</i> is slain. <i>Captain Osborne</i>, + in the mistaken impression that <i>Amelia</i> has shared her + betrayer's fate, marries the beautiful <i>Becky Sharp</i> and + is tried for bigamy, but is acquitted, as <i>Becky Sharp</i> is + proved to have been already married to an Indian Nabob of the + name of <i>Crawley</i>. On the death of <i>Crawley</i>, + <i>Becky</i> marries the <i>Marquis of Steyne</i>, becomes + deeply religious and dies in the odour of sanctity.</p> + + <p>"Is marriage a failure?" is the problem of this + kaleidoscopic drama, which is handled with all the author's + well-known soulful <i>verve</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Smith Minor" again.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<i>Apelles fuit carus Alexandro propter comitate.</i>" + "Apples were dear in the days of Alexander on account of + the Committee." (? Food Controller.)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A resolution was passed requesting the responsible + local authority to provide thirty new houses in accordance + with the Local Government Board's scheme. The houses + required were—first, those which were unfit for human + habitation."—<i>Sussex Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And, to judge by some of the fantastic designs for rural + cottages published in the newspapers, those are what they will + probably get.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page95" + id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/95.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/95.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE ORDER OF RELEASE.</h3>PIVOTAL PIG + (<i>demobilised</i>). "SO LONG, LEAGUE OF RATIONS, SEE YOU + LATER." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" + id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span> + + <h2>THE REAL DALRYMPLE.</h2> + + <p>You would feel quite uncomfortable if you heard Dalrymple + talk. He conveys the impression that everything is badly in the + way and ought to be removed at once. That's his view. Dalrymple + has no patience with the social system. This includes + everything, from the washing bill to the House of Commons.</p> + + <p>Dalrymple said the General Election made him impatient. By + the way, Dalrymple is a fine upstanding personage, with just + the coloured hair the lady novelists dote on, and eyes in + harmony; but despite his handsome placid bearing Dalrymple is a + fire-eater of the hungriest.</p> + + <p>"What you want to do is to make a clean sweep of + everything," he said. "Money is an anachronism, and in a + perfectly ordered State would not be required."</p> + + <p>Of course it is no more use arguing with Dalrymple than it + would be to attempt a controversy on naval affairs with Lord + Nelson on his pedestal.</p> + + <p>And then there is this about Dalrymple—you remember + what some Court poet said concerning Louis THE FOURTEENTH; it + was to the effect that <i>quand le Roi parle</i>—well, + apparently everything and everybody else had to put up the + shutters. I forget exactly how the thing ran. It is just so + with Dalrymple. He comes into my room in the City and warms + himself, though no fire is needed to fan his enthusiasm for + destruction. The Bolsheviks are peaceable Sunday folk compared + with him. A Nihilist on a war footing would be considered + Quaker-like in his symptoms.</p> + + <p>Dalrymple is neck or nothing. He is a whole-hogger even to + the most indigestible bit of crackling.</p> + + <p>"What we want is a fresh start," he said. "Then you could + begin anew and everybody would have a chance. Burn things, blow + them up, leave nothing; then we should see something. Your + whole scheme is faulty. Your Underground—" Dalrymple has + an irritating habit of fathering things on me, which is unfair, + for, as regards the Tubes, for instance, I am sorry to say I + have not even a share, and often not as much as a strap.</p> + + <p>"But the Underground is only a bit overcrowded," I ventured + to say. "It can't help that, you know."</p> + + <p>"It is all wrong," said Dalrymple. "The entire gadget is + defective. Look at France, look at America, look at Germany and + Russia and the Jugo-Slavs."</p> + + <p>It was rather breathless work looking at all these nations + and peoples, but I did my best. Dalrymple is particularly + strong when it is a question of the Jugo-Slavs, and he always + gave me the idea that he spent his Saturday afternoons + enunciating chatty pleasantries in Trafalgar Square and on + Tower Hill.</p> + + <p>But—you might just see the finish—Dalrymple was + not doing anything of the sort the afternoon that I was out + house-hunting. Yes, it is true. You will scarcely credit the + fact that I found any difficulty in tracking down an eligible + villa, but that is the case.</p> + + <p>The quest took me to a pleasant semi-rural neighbourhood + where there was room for gardens with the borders edged with + the nice soft yellow-tinted box, and rose walks, and dainty + little arbours, and fandangled appurtenances which amateur + gardeners love with perfect justification.</p> + + <p>And there was Dalrymple. I won't deceive you. I recognised + him on the other side of a low oak fence. He was wearing an old + hat of the texture of the bit of headgear which the man who + impersonates Napoleon at the music-hall doubles up and plays + tricks with, only Dalrymple's hat had obviously been white and + was now going green and other colours with wear and tear.</p> + + <p>And wherever Dalrymple went a small cherub in a holland + frock went too. The cherub would be about five. Dalrymple was + fashioning a hen-coop out of two or three soap-boxes. Both he + and the cherub ceased activities when I hailed and approached; + and I stopped to dinner. Dalrymple told me he rather fancied he + could wangle me a bungalow.</p> + + <p>"I know the agent chap," he said, as we sampled a very + pleasant glass of port. "Of course they want to keep it fairly + dark or we should be swamped. I have taken a lot of trouble + myself, you know, and am just starting gardening lectures at + our club."</p> + + <p>So he went on—the house, his new roses, the hens, the + jam his wife made, the idea he had for a winter garden in the + interests of his wife's mother, who could then take the air in + her Bath-chair.</p> + + <p>"But," I said, "you want to sweep everything away. You aim + at sending villages like this to pot—your own word, you + remember. And then there are the Jugo-Slavs—"</p> + + <p>Dalrymple winked and handed me the cigars.</p> + + <p>I fancy he is a fraud.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"AEROPLANE FLIGHT TO INDIA.</p> + + <p>"PREPARATIONS FOR DECEPTION IN + DELHI."—<i>Englishman</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But the aviators, in order that there might be no doubt + about their <i>bona fides</i>, wisely landed at Karachi.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MY SERGEANT-MAJOR-DOMO.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When WILSON has abolished War</p> + + <p>And grim Bellona claims no more</p> + + <p class="i2">The greatest of her sons,</p> + + <p>What job has Peace to offer thee</p> + + <p>That shall fulfil thy destiny,</p> + + <p class="i2">O Sergeant-Major Buns?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shall thy great voice, at whose behests</p> + + <p>Trembled a hundred martial breasts,</p> + + <p class="i2">Be heard without a smile</p> + + <p>Urging astonished Cingalese</p> + + <p>To tap the tapering rubber trees</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon their distant isle?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shall thy dread presence clothed in tweed</p> + + <p>Be seen, O Buns, without the meed</p> + + <p class="i2">Of some regretful sigh,</p> + + <p>Fresh from the triumphs of the trench</p> + + <p>Upon the Opposition Bench</p> + + <p class="i2">Begging the SPEAKER'S eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nay, rather let thy mighty mind</p> + + <p>At length its true vocation find</p> + + <p class="i2">In the domestic sphere;</p> + + <p>The trivial round, the common task</p> + + <p>Shall furnish all thou needst to ask—</p> + + <p class="i2">There shalt thou earn thy beer.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, thou shalt play a worthy rôle,</p> + + <p>Thou great unconquerable soul,</p> + + <p class="i2">Within my humble flat;</p> + + <p>For when thy voice shall thunder, "Where</p> + + <p>Is master's cream?" what maid shall dare</p> + + <p class="i2">Invoke the mystic cat?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what or volatile Miss Gripps?</p> + + <p>The weekly notice on her lips</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall wither at thy look.</p> + + <p>And still one triumph waits for thee—</p> + + <p>And, oh! may I be there to see—</p> + + <p class="i2">When thou shalt face my cook!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DATE FIXED FOR HANGING RETAILERS."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And some of them richly deserve it.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The League will reconsider traety obligations from time + to time.</p> + + <p>"The League will reconsider traeyt obligations from time + to time."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And then the printer gave it up.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Handley Page, with two Rolls-Royce engines, was the + first and only machine to fly to India, and was the first + and only machine to fly to India, and is the second to fly + to India."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not the third and only, as for the moment we were tempted to + believe.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Young Educated Girl Pupil Wanted, help animals; live + clergyman's family; pocket-money."—<i>Newcastle + Journal</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are glad to hear of a really live clergyman. So many + parsons nowadays are accused of being dead-alive.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" + id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/97.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION.</h3><i>Maid</i>. "NO, MUM, I'M + NOT GOING TO STAY IN THIS HOUSE TO BE INSULTED BY HAVING + 'SLAVEY' WRITTEN ON THE MAT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DAILY AND MAILY.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Daily burst into the room, slamming the door behind him, + to find Mr. Maily seated before the fire.</p> + + <p>"Maily, you're not getting things done," he shouted as he + walked swiftly up and down the Turkey carpet.</p> + + <p>"Only buttoning my spat, Daily," said Mr. Maily. Then he + too, springing from his chair, walked rapidly to and fro. But + whereas Mr. Daily chose the route between the window and the + motto, "Do something else NOW!" Mr. Maily took the line between + the fireplace and "Keep on keeping on!" for they seldom felt + compelled to stick to one direction.</p> + + <p>"Maily, I'm worried," exclaimed Mr. Daily in passing. + "Things seem to be easing down. Even you are not so nimble as + you were. This silence of the public troubles me—haven't + been saying things about us for a long time."</p> + + <p>"Some people even praise us," remarked Mr. Maily, disgust + mingling with the perspiration on his face.</p> + + <p>"We'll be damned if we put up with praise," Mr. Daily + declared.</p> + + <p>"We shall. We'd give praise if they'd damn us," said Mr. + Maily.</p> + + <p>"Never be funny, Maily, if you can help it," warned Mr. + Daily. Then he remarked wistfully, "If they'd only burn us + again!"</p> + + <p>"Couldn't we go for the Archbishop of CANTERBURY?" asked Mr. + Maily. "To be burnt during morning service in a + cathedral—"</p> + + <p>"No, these church-people couldn't be roused, Maily. Too much + dillydally about them. They'd never fall to it."</p> + + <p>Mr. Daily jabbed his thumb against a white bell-push, and a + clerk appeared. "Got enough work to do?" asked Mr. Daily.</p> + + <p>"And then some," said the clerk.</p> + + <p>"Well, get on with it," shouted Mr. Daily impatiently, and + pressed a red bell-push.</p> + + <p>"Plenty doing?" he asked the compositor who appeared.</p> + + <p>"Twice that," said the compositor.</p> + + <p>"Then go to it," barked Mr. Daily. Turning to behold Mr. + Maily mopping his brow, he cried, "For heaven's sake don't let + anybody see you standing still, Maily."</p> + + <p>"I was only thinking," said Mr. Maily.</p> + + <p>"Whatever for?" asked Mr. Daily.</p> + + <p>"Do you suppose—"</p> + + <p>"Suppose nothing. Know!"</p> + + <p>"How would it be to—to denounce beer?" asked Mr. + Maily.</p> + + <p>"Gad, but you've still got pluck," said Mr. Daily with + something like admiration. "They'd burn us right enough. But + there is such a thing as too much pluck, Maily. Think again, if + you must think."</p> + + <p>"No," Mr. Daily went on, "I doubt if a satisfactory burning + can be worked—it only comes by accident. Meanwhile, if + the public won't talk about us, we must boom ourselves;" and he + sprinted to a yellow bell-push to summon the editor.</p> + + <p>"This peace business," said Mr. Daily to him—"<i>Peace + must be signed!</i> How's that for a new stunt? Cut out 'The + Soldiers' Paper' and call ourselves 'The Paper that gets + Peace.' Get the boys together, work out a scheme and come and + show us in half-an-hour."</p> + + <p>"But, Daily, is there any likelihood of peace not being + signed?" asked Mr. Maily, when the editor had gone.</p> + + <p>"For goodness' sake, Maily, pull yourself together. Don't + you understand that one of the principles of our job is to back + certs?" said Mr. Daily.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" + id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/98.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/98.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Manager of Kinema Theatre</i> (<i>referring to the + two turbulent members of audience who have been + ejected</i>). "HOW DID THE QUARREL COMMENCE?"</p> + + <p><i>Doorkeeper</i>. "THEY WERE FIGHTING, SIR, ABOUT WHICH + OF THEM THE GIRL IN THE PICTURE WAS WINKING AT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LINES TO A LEGIONARY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Members of the new corps of domestic servants are + called legionaries</i>.)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sole hope of this my household, martial maid</p> + + <p class="i2">Whom ordered ranks and discipline + austere</p> + + <p>Have shaped (I gather) for a braver trade,</p> + + <p class="i2">So that respect, not all unmixed with + fear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Informs my breast as I await you + here,</p> + + <p>Your title, with its stern Cæsarian touch,</p> + + <p>Does, to be frank, alarm me very much.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come not, I pray you, to my casual home</p> + + <p class="i2">(Where moulting cats usurp the best + arm-chair)</p> + + <p>With the harsh practices of Ancient Rome,</p> + + <p class="i2">The brow severe, the you-be-careful + air</p> + + <p class="i2">Which (on the film) all legionaries + wear;</p> + + <p>My dream is just a regulated ease;</p> + + <p>Rules, if you like, but not too stringent, + please.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come not with rude awakenings, nor request</p> + + <p class="i2">That I at stated hours must rise and + feed;</p> + + <p>I like my morning slumber much the best</p> + + <p class="i2">And hate a life by drastic laws + decreed</p> + + <p class="i2">(I'm not a Persian born, nor yet a + Mede);</p> + + <p>No, but with step demure and tactful come,</p> + + <p>And if soft music greet you, oh, be dumb!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In careless comfort let my days be spent!</p> + + <p class="i2">And, maiden, mutual happiness shall + reign;</p> + + <p>The crash of crockery I'll not lament</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor (when I fain would sing) will I + complain</p> + + <p class="i2">Though you should raise the far from + dulcet strain;</p> + + <p>But with a sweet content I'll bless the day</p> + + <p>My legionary came, and came to stay.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or + expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information + leading to his recovery will be rewarded."—<i>Glasgow + Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of + "Variety" ladies in the illustrated papers.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, + in the present state of the country, it was imperative that + soppages should be avoided."—<i>Liverpool + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, + unless one wears waders, extremely difficult to follow.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WANTED.—A suitable match for a well-connected and + refined Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral + character; monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses + property. Late wife died last week."—<i>Indian + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely + off with the old love before you are on with the new.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme + are: (1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."—<i>Sunday Times</i> + (<i>Johannesburg</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the + earliest opportunity of denying this totally unfounded + suggestion. Mr. Punch is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" + id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/99.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/99.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen</i> (<i>in + dairy where she has dealt for over three years</i>). "AND + YOU WON'T FORGET THE CREAM AS USUAL."</p> + + <p><i>Dairy Girl</i>. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT + HAVE ANY MORE CREAM, AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL + IMPORTANCE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A LITTLE FAVOUR.</h2> + + <p>Maisie was terribly upset when she lost her gold curb bangle + (with padlock attached) between the hospital and the canteen. + The first I knew of it was seeing a handbill offering two + pounds' reward on our front gate, with the ink still damp, when + I came home to lunch. There was a similar bill blowing down the + road. My wife had some more under her arm and she pressed them + on me. "Run round to the shops," she said; "get them put right + in the middle of the windows where they'll catch everybody's + eye."</p> + + <p>The first shop I entered was a hosier's. Since drilling in + the V.T.O. I have acquired rather a distinguished bearing. + Shopkeepers invariably treat me with attention. The hosier + hurried forward, obviously anticipating a princely order for + tweeds at war prices. I hadn't the courage to buy nothing. I + selected the nearest thing on the counter, a futurist necktie + at two-and-six-three, and, as I was leaving the shop, turned + back carelessly. "By the by, would you mind putting this bill + in your window?" I said.</p> + + <p>His lip curled. "This is a high-class business. We make it a + rule—no bills," he said.</p> + + <p>At the butcher's next door there were several customers. + They all gave way to me. I made purchases worthy of my + appearance and carriage, half an ox tail and some chitterlings. + Then I proffered a handbill. The man in blue accepted it and, + before I had opened my lips, returned it to me wrapped round + the ox tail. I was too taken aback to explain. In fact, when he + held out his hand, I mechanically gave him another bill for the + chitterlings.</p> + + <p>At the next shop, a fancy draper's, I acted with cunning. In + the centre of the window, on a raised background of silver + paper, was displayed a wreath of orange-blossom veiled with + tulle. I bought it. The young ladies were hysterical. "May I + ask permission to put this little handbill in its place?" I + said. They appealed to the shopwalker. "In the absence of the + head of the firm I cannot see my way to accede to your + request," he said. "At present he is on the Rhine. On his + demobilisation I will place the matter before him if you will + leave the bill in my hands." I left it.</p> + + <p>I skipped a gramophone emporium and a baby-linen shop and + entered a fishmonger's. Here I adopted tactics of absolute + candour. "Look here," I said, "I haven't come to buy anything. + I don't want any fish, flesh or red-herring, but I should be no + end grateful if you would stick this bill up for me + somewhere."</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Sir, as many as you like," said the proprietor + heartily.</p> + + <p>Gleefully I gave him two. One he stuck on a hook on top of a + couple of ducks, and it flopped over face downwards on their + breasts. The other he laid in the middle of the marble counter, + and the next moment his assistant came along and slapped an + outsize halibut on it.</p> + + <p>I went into a jeweller's next and purchased a gold curb + bangle (with padlock attached).</p> + + <p>"You clever old thing," said Maisie; "you'd never tell one + from the other, would you? Mine's a tiny bit heavier, don't you + think? I've just found it in the soap-dish. I'll change this + for a filigree pendant. All my life I've longed for a filigree + pendant"</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For 85 tons of blackberries, gathered last autumn, + Northamptonshire elementary school children were paid + £2,380, 3d. a lb."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The young profiteers!</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Splendid imitation almond paste for cakes can be made + as follows: Take four ounces of breadcrumbs, one small + teaspoonful of almond essence, four ounces of soft white + sugar, and one well-eaten egg to bind the + mixture."—<i>Answers</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The difficulty is to get the egg.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" + id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span> + + <h2><i>APRÈS LA GUERRE</i>.</h2> + + <p>"<i>On ne sait jamais le dessous des cartes</i>," as the + perplexing dialect of the aborigines of this country would put + it. William and I, when we used to discuss after-the-war + prospects o' nights in the old days, were more or less resigned + to a buckshee year or two of filling shell-holes up and pulling + barbed wire down. Instead of which we all go about the country + taking in each others' education. No one, we gather, will be + allowed to go home until he has taken his B.A. with honours. + And after that—But it would be better to begin at the + beginning.</p> + + <p>It began within ten days of the signing of the armistice, + assuming the shape of an official inquiry from Division, a + five-barred document wherein somebody with a talent for + confusing himself (and a great contempt for the Paper + Controller) managed to ask every officer the same question in + five different ways. They cancelled each other out after a + little examination and left behind merely a desire to discover + whether or not each officer had a job waiting for him on his + return to civil life. William and I took the thing at a gallop, + stuck down a succinct "Yes. Yes, No, No. Yes," subscribed our + signatures and returned the documents—or so William + proposed to do—"for your information and necessary + inaction."</p> + + <p>"They're getting deuced heavy about these jobs, aren't + they?" observed William a day or two later. "The Old Man wants + to see us all at orderly-room for a private + interview—he's got to make a return showing whether his + officers have got jobs waiting for them, if not, why not, and + please indent at once to make good any deficiencies. Hullo, + what's this?"</p> + + <p>It happened to be William's mail for the day—one large + official-looking envelope. It turned out to be a document from + his old unit (he had entered the Army from an O.T.C.), headed, + "Resettlement and Employment of ex-Officers: Preliminary + Enquiry." It was a formidable catechism, ranging from inquiries + as to whether William had a job ready for him to a request for + a signed statement from his C.O. certifying that he was a + sober, diligent and obliging lad and had generally given every + satisfaction in his present situation. In case he hadn't a job + or wanted another one there were convenient spaces in which to + confess the whole of his past—whether he had a liking for + animals or the Colonies, mechanical aptitude (if any), down to + full list of birth-marks and next-of-kin. William thrust the + thing hastily into the stove. But I observed that there was a + cloud over him for the rest of the day.</p> + + <p>However, we both of us satisfied the examiner at the + orderly-room, though the renewed evidence of a determined + conspiracy to find work for him left William a trifle more + thoughtful than his wont. Shades of the prison-house began to + close about our growing joy, "These 'ere jobs," remarked + William, "are going to take a bit of dodging, dearie. Looks to + me as though you might cop out for anything from a tram-driver + to Lord Chief. Wish people wouldn't be so infernally obliging. + And, anyway, what is this—an Army or a Labour + Exchange?"</p> + + <p>As the days wore on the strain became more and more intense. + William's old school had contrived an association which begged + to be allowed to do anything in the world for him except leave + him for a single day in idleness. And what time the Army was + not making inquiries about his own civil intentions and + abilities it was insisting on his extracting the same + information from the platoons. William grew haggard and morose. + He began looking under his bed every night for prospective + employers and took to sleeping with a loaded Webley under his + pillow for fear of being kidnapped by a registry office. He + slept in uneasy snatches, and when he did doze off was + tormented by hideous nightmares.</p> + + <p>In one of them he dreamt he was on leave and walking through + the City. At every doorway he had to run the gauntlet of lithe + and implacable managing directors, all ready to pounce on him, + drag him within and chain him permanently to a stool—with + the complete approval of the Army Council. In another he was + appearing before a tribunal of employers as a conscientious + objector to all forms of work.</p> + + <p>The last straw was when the Brigadier caused it to be made + known that if any officer was particularly unsettled about his + future he might be granted a personal interview and it would be + seen what could be done for him. William sat down with the air + of one who has established a thumping bridgehead over his + Rubicon and wrote to the Brigadier direct and as + follows:—</p> + + <p>"SIR,—I have the honour to hope that this finds you a + good deal better than it leaves me at present. In case you + should be in any uncertainty over your prospects on return to + half-pay, I shall be happy to grant you a personal interview at + my billet (Sheet 45; G 22a 3.7.) and see whether anything can + be arranged to suit you. I may add that I have a number of + excellent appointments on my books, from knife-boy to traveller + to a firm of mineral water manufacturers. For my own part my + immediate future is firmly settled, thank you. For at least + three months after my discharge from the Army I have no + intention of taking up any form of work.</p> + + <p>"I have the honour to be, Sir,</p> + + <p>"YOUR OTHERWISE OBEDIENT SERVANT, ETC."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The court-martial was held last Thursday and sentence will + be promulgated any day now. Medical evidence certified William + as sane enough to understand the nature of his offence, but as + the War is over it is unlikely that he will be shot at dawn. + William himself is confident that he will be cashiered, a + sentence which carries with it automatic and permanent + exclusion from all appointments under the Crown. "That makes a + tidy gap in the wire," says William hopefully. "They won't even + be able to make a postman of me. With a bit of luck I'll dodge + the unofficial jobs—I get that holiday after all, old + bean."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"HUNTING. THE DANGER OF KICKING + HORSES."—<i>Times.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Generally the shoe is on the other foot.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Falkirk iron fitters, by an overwhelming majority, + have opposed the forty-hour week and have agreed to a + forty-four hour week."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Bravo, Falkirk!</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The announcement of the augmentation of the British + beet in the Mediterranean appeared exclusively in the + 'Sunday Express.'"—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It doesn't seem anything to boast about.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WANTED.—On a farm, two capable European young or + middle-aged girls."—<i>South African Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There are lots of girls answering this description, but the + difficulty is that most of them are too shy to admit it.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"M. Clemenceau ... speaks English with rare perfection, + having spent years in the United States."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + + <p>"M. Clemenceau, speaking in excellent English, said + 'Yes.'"—<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>What he really said, of course, was "Yep."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Question and Answer.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What <i>are</i> you, Sir?" the Counsel roared.</p> + + <p>The timid witness said, "My Lord,</p> + + <p>A Season-ticket holder I</p> + + <p>Where London's southern suburbs lie."</p> + + <p>"Tut, tut," his Lordship made demur,</p> + + <p>"He meant what is your business, Sir."</p> + + <p>The witness sighed and shook his head,</p> + + <p>"I get no time for that," he said.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" + id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span> + + <h2>SERVICE EVOLUTION.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/101-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-1.png" + alt="" /></a>BUD. + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/101-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-2.png" + alt="" /></a>BLOSSOM. + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/101-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-3.png" + alt="" /></a>FRUIT. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" + id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/102.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/102.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Guest</i> (<i>who has cut the + cloth</i>). "BILLIARDS REQUIRE CONSTANT PRACTICE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANOTHER CRISIS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Futility Rabbit Keeper</i>.)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is a rabbit in the pansy bed,</p> + + <p class="i2">There is a burrow underneath the + wall,</p> + + <p>There is a rabbit everywhere you tread,</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day I heard a rabbit in the hall,</p> + + <p class="i4">The same that sits at evening in my + shoes</p> + + <p class="i4">And sings his usefulness, or simply + chews;</p> + + <p class="i4">There is no corner sacred to the + Muse—</p> + + <p class="i2">And how shall man demobilise them + all?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far back, when England was devoid of food,</p> + + <p class="i2">Men bade me breed the coney and I + bought</p> + + <p>Timber and wire-entanglements and hewed</p> + + <p class="i2">Fair roomy palaces of pine-wood + wrought,</p> + + <p class="i4">Wherein our first-bought sedulously + gnawed</p> + + <p class="i4">And every night escaped and ran + abroad;</p> + + <p class="i4">Yet she was lovely and we named her + Maud,</p> + + <p class="i2">And if she ate the primulas, 'twas + nought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The months rolled onward and she multiplied,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all her progeny resembled her;</p> + + <p>They ate the daffodils; they seldom died;</p> + + <p class="i2">And no one thought of them as + provender;</p> + + <p class="i4">The children fed them weekly for a + treat,</p> + + <p class="i4">And my wife said, "The <i>little</i> + things—how sweet!</p> + + <p class="i4">If you imagine I can ever eat</p> + + <p class="i2">A rabbit called Persephone, you err."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet famine might have hardened that proud + breast,</p> + + <p class="i2">Only that victory removed the threat;</p> + + <p>And now, if e'er I venture to suggest</p> + + <p class="i2">That it is time that some of them were + ate,</p> + + <p class="i4">That Maud is pivotal and costing + pounds,</p> + + <p class="i4">And how the garden is a mass of + mounds,</p> + + <p class="i4">She answers me, on military grounds,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Peace is not come. We cannot eat them + yet."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I shall steal to yon allotment space</p> + + <p class="i2">With a large bag of rabbits, and + unseen</p> + + <p>Demobilise them, and in that fair place</p> + + <p class="i2">They all shall browse on cauliflower and + bean;</p> + + <p class="i4">There Smith will come on Saturday, and + think</p> + + <p class="i4">That it is shell-shock or disease or + drink;</p> + + <p class="i4">But Maud shall dwell for ever there and + sink</p> + + <p class="i2">A world of burrows in Laburnum Green. + A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Secrets of the Peace Conference.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The proceedings yesterday afternoon began punctually at + three o'clock. Lord Robert Cecil sat with the British + delegates. M. Léon Bourgeois sat among the French + delegates."—<i>Manchester Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And not, as might have been thought, <i>vice + versâ</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A thoroughly capable and energetic man wanted, who will + look after a family concern: Must understand management of + 25 acre farm with 10 cows, about four acres may have to be + broken up. Must be an experienced brewer, capable of + mashing 10 times a week, and taking entire charge of + brewing operations with assistance of unskilled labour. + Must be conversant with licensing laws and requirements, + also present restrictions as applying to brewing; + thoroughly understand and superintend wines and spirits + department, direct repairs, capable buyer, general manager, + organiser and foreman. Must be thorough accountant, capable + of directing office and branch work, conversant with + income-tax and excess profits duty practice. Able to drive, + or willing to learn a 4-ton Commer lorry, must be + motor-cyclist to visit branches, and manage public-houses. + Absolutely essential to understand and drive oil + engines.—Further particulars apply —— and + Sons."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>What we chiefly miss is any information as to how the man is + to fill up his spare time.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"ITALIAN SPELLING.</p> + + <p>"There are to be streets in Athens named after President + Wilson and after Mr. Lloyd George. In the 'Patris,' an + Athens paper, we read that 'Wilson' is spelt 'Ouilson,' + whilst 'George' is Tzortz,' 'Bonar Law' is 'Mponar + Lo.'"—<i>Birmingham Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We bow to our contemporary's erudition, but we confess it + all looks Greek to us.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" + id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/103.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/103.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE PROGRESSIVE WEIGHT-LIFTER.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" + id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/105.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/105.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Betty</i>. "MUMMY, DOES GOD SEND US OUR FOOD?"</p> + + <p><i>Mother</i>. "YES, DEAR; OF COURSE HE DOES."</p> + + <p><i>Betty</i>. "BUT WHAT A PRICE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALL THE TALENTS.</h2> + + <p>Now that hostilities are at an end it is thought by many + intelligent young subalterns that a little variety might well + be introduced into Army routine.</p> + + <p>For instance, at a General's Inspection why should not + Officers' duties be allotted after this fashion?—</p> + + <p>The Commanding Officer will bind up the Second-in-Command + with a length of red tape, showing that no escape is possible + from this form of entanglement.</p> + + <p>The Adjutant will give an exhibition of paper manipulation, + using various Army Forms for this purpose.</p> + + <p>The Assistant-Adjutant will demonstrate how a morning's work + may be made of the changing of a pen-nib, while still creating + an impression of devoted industry.</p> + + <p>The Messing Officer will fry a fillet of sole by means of + haybox cookery, and during the process will publicly skin a + ration rabbit in such a way that not the slightest depreciation + is caused in the value of 2½<i>d.</i> attached to a + rabbit-skin.</p> + + <p>The Officer i/e Demobilisation will demobilise you while you + wait (provided you can wait long enough).</p> + + <p>The Quartermaster will make a model of Hampton Court Maze, + illustrative of the intricacies of his department, taking care + that his model appropriately differs from the original in + having no means of exit.</p> + + <p>The Medical Officer will demonstrate how the huge national + accumulation of No. 9 pills may be adapted to civilian purposes + by using the pill <i>(a)</i> as a fertiliser for the Officers' + tennis lawn, and <i>(b)</i> as a destroyer of the superfluous + grass bordering thereon.</p> + + <p>Company Commanders will collaborate in a display of standing + on their own feet without the assistance of their respective + Company Sergeant-Majors. (N.B.—Absolute silence is + requested during this very delicate performance.)</p> + + <p>The Junior Subaltern will give an exhibition of stunt + saluting.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MY DRESS SUIT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old friend, well met! I've longed for this + reunion;</p> + + <p class="i2">You've been the lodestar of this + storm-tossed ship</p> + + <p>In those long hours which poets call Communion</p> + + <p class="i2">With one's own Soul, and common folk the + Pip.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The foe might rage, the Brigadier might bluster.</p> + + <p class="i2">Was I down-hearted? No! My spirit + soared</p> + + <p>And dreamt of you and me with blended lustre</p> + + <p class="i2">Gracing some well-spread and convivial + board.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what if now you fit askew where erstwhile</p> + + <p class="i2">Fair lines bewrayed a figure not too + svelte?</p> + + <p>What if your shoulder-seams are like to burst, + while</p> + + <p class="i2">A sad hiatus shows beneath the belt?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As April fills the buds to shapely beauty,</p> + + <p class="i2">As cooks fill Robert with plum-cake and + tea,</p> + + <p>So, it may be, a diet rich and fruity</p> + + <p class="i2">May fill the gap that sunders you from + me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And if it fail, as I'm a, living sinner</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll save you from the gaze of scornful + eyes.</p> + + <p>They say that Bolsheviks don't dress for dinner;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll off to Petrograd and Bolshevize.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" + id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/106.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/106.png" + alt="" /></a><i>The Mayor</i>. "THE CONTENTS OF THE + PURSE WILL IN TIME INEVITABLY DISAPPEAR; BUT + (<i>laying his hand on the clock</i>) HERE IS + SOMETHING WHICH WILL NEVER GO." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PLEA FOR PROPORTION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Its contemporaries having told us all about Mr. Lloyd + George's hat and how President Wilson ate a banana, <i>The + Daily Express</i> recently went one better with the + headline, "Mr. Balfour joins a Tennis Club," as the + subheading of its "Peace Conference Notes."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Has it always been this way, I wonder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Did editors always display</p> + + <p>The same disposition to blunder</p> + + <p class="i2">O'er the weight of the news of the + day?</p> + + <p>When simpler was war and directer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Was Athens accustomed to see</p> + + <p>In the sheets of its <i>Argus</i> how Hector</p> + + <p class="i2">Had bloaters for tea?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If so—or indeed if it's not so—</p> + + <p class="i2">One cannot but gently deplore</p> + + <p>That the custom of chronicling rot so</p> + + <p class="i2">Has not been expunged by the War.</p> + + <p>When the world with its horrors still stunned is</p> + + <p class="i2">And waits for vast hopes to come + true,</p> + + <p>What boots it if delegates' undies</p> + + <p class="i2">Are scarlet or blue?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All facts of those delegates' labours</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm ready to read with a zest,</p> + + <p>And they must, like myself and my neighbours,</p> + + <p class="i2">I know, have their moments of rest;</p> + + <p>I do not begrudge them their pleasures,</p> + + <p class="i2">But frankly I don't care a rap</p> + + <p>If the sport that engages their leisure's</p> + + <p class="i2">"Up, Jenkins" or "Snap."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since the founts of its wisdom present us</p> + + <p class="i2">Each morning with gems of this kind,</p> + + <p>Such matters must strike as momentous</p> + + <p class="i2">The news-editorial mind;</p> + + <p>'Tis time this delusion was done with,</p> + + <p class="i2">High time that some voice made it + clear</p> + + <p>We don't want those fountains to run with</p> + + <p class="i2">Such very small beer.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A married man, aged 34 years, collided with the mail + train when riding a motorcycle into Hawera on Friday. His + right arm, collarbone, and blue hospital uniforms on + Thursday morning."—<i>New Zealand Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We rather like this telescopic style of reporting. It leaves + something to the reader's imagination.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To Parents and Pawnbrokers.—Anyone assisting to + remove the Charity Boots, marked B., from the Children's + Feet, which are the property of Mr. J. B—— and + his Supporters, WILL BE PROSECUTED."—<i>Irish + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A distressful country, indeed, where the children do not own + their own feet.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WINCHESTER'S OPPORTUNITY.</h2> + + <p>War legislation has pressed hard on many callings, and on + none more than that of the architect. But the embargo has been + lifted; the ancient art is coming to its own again, and it is + of happy omen that the new President of the Royal Academy has + been chosen from the architects. In this context we welcome the + stimulating article in a recent issue of <i>The Times</i> + <i>à propos</i> of the Winchester War Memorial. "Are we + never," asks the writer, "to take risks in our architecture?" + and his answer, briefly summed up, is "Perish the thought. + <i>De l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace.</i>" + It is, of course, a pity that the Winchester War Memorial + scheme has not met with the unanimous approval of Wykehamists. + Possibly they have reason, for while adding a new cloister, a + new gateway and a new hall to the existing school buildings, it + involves the pulling down of the Quingentenary Memorial + Building, erected some twenty years ago, and of some old houses + in Kingsgate Street. Some consider such a drastic destruction + to be unfortunate, but, says <i>The Times</i>, it is "necessary + if any scheme worthy of the occasion is + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" + id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span> to be carried out." + Moreover it is proposed to re-erect the Quingentenary + Memorial on a new site, "where it will certainly look as + well as ever."</p> + + <p>The greatest event in our history, as the writer finely + observes, cannot be worthily commemorated by any timid + compromise. Winchester has set a splendid example, but it is + perhaps too much to expect that it will be followed by London, + owing to the inevitable clash of conflicting interests in our + unwieldy metropolis. The erection of a new Pantheon on the site + of St. Paul's and the removal of WREN'S massive but + <i>démodé</i> structure to Hampstead Heath, where + it would certainly look as well as ever, is, we fear, however + much <i>The Times</i> may desire it, beyond the range of + practical politics. But example is infectious, and if only the + Winchester authorities would expand their scheme and carry it + out with Dantonesque audacity to its full logical conclusion, + other towns and cities might ultimately fall into line.</p> + + <p>Winchester Cathedral, as we need hardly remind our readers, + has only been rescued from subsidence and collapse at an + immense cost by a lavish use of the resources of modern + engineering. The building itself is not without merits, but its + site is inconspicuous and the swampy nature of the soil is a + constant menace to its durability. The scheme which we venture + with all humility to suggest is that it should be removed and + re-erected, in the same spirit though in the architectural + language of our own day, on the summit of St. Catherine's Hill, + where it would look better than ever, and be connected by a + scenic neo-Gothic railway with Meads. This would not only add + to the amenities of the landscape, but enable the present + cathedral site to be utilized for a purpose more in consonance + with the needs of the age. We do not presume to dictate, but + may point out that if the deanery and the canons' houses were + pulled down and re-erected on the golf-links, where they would + look better than ever, space would be available for a majestic + aerodrome, or, better still, an experimental water-stadium for + submarines, in memory of KING ALFRED, the founder of our + Fleet.</p> + + <p>Into the question of details, design and cost it is not for + us to enter. We confine ourselves to appealing with all the + force at our command to Winchester, fortunate, as <i>The + Times</i> reminds us, in the choice of an architect of genius + and ingenuity, to persevere, to rise to the occasion, to cast + compromise to the winds and above all to remember that the + greatest compliment which can be paid to the architects of the + past is to remove their buildings to sites where they look + better than ever and do not suffer from the immediate + neighbourhood of the masterpieces of their successors. + Architecture has been defined as "frozen music." But on great + occasions such as this it needs to be taken out of its + cold-storage and judiciously thawed.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/107.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/107.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SOFT ANSWER.</h3> + + <p><i>Navvy</i> (<i>to person who has accidentally bumped + him</i>). "GO TO + BLANKETY—BLANK—BLANK—BLAZES."</p> + + <p><i>Person</i>. "GENTLE STRANGER, YOUR LIGHTEST WISH, + EXPRESSED IN SUCH COURTEOUS LANGUAGE, IS TO ME A + COMMAND."</p> + + <p>[<i>Ambulance call</i>.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lost, sulky inflate."—<i>Glasgow Citizen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" + id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span> + + <h2>CIVIL EDUCATION FOR SOLDIERS.</h2> + + <p>When the armistice was signed and the close season for + Germans set in, it occurred to the authorities that it would be + a waste of labour to continue to train some few million good + men for a shooting season that might never re-open, and the + weekly programme became rather a sketchy affair till some brain + more brilliant than the rest conceived the idea of giving a + good sound education in the arts of peace to this promising and + waiting multitude. The idea was joyfully accepted, and + gradually filtered through its authorised channels, suffering + some office change or other at each stage till it finally + reached one of our ancient seats of learning. It arrived rather + like the peremptory order of a newly-gazetted and bewildered + subaltern, who, having got his platoon hopelessly tied up, + falls back on the time-honoured and usually infallible "Carry + on, Sergeant."</p> + + <p>There were some six-hundred white-hatted cadets stationed at + this spot, all thirsting (presumably) for information on gas, + and Mills bombs, and studs on the cocking-piece, and forming + fours, and vertical intervals and District Courts-martial; and + when the order came to "carry on" with education it caused + something like a panic. A council of war nearly caused + Head-quarters to cancel a battalion parade, but they pulled + themselves together and held the drill, and the appointed Jack + as "Battalion Education Officer," and empowered him to draft a + scheme of work.</p> + + <p>When produced it consisted of fourteen paragraphs, each of + which finished up with the sentence, "This is obviously a + problem for the Company Commander." Jack had nothing to learn + as to the duties of a battalion specialist and realised that + his responsibility lay simply in providing Company Commanders, + and then finding problems for them to solve. As the Company + Commanders were already in being his work was simplified.</p> + + <p>However, the Company Commanders, being men of merit, + cheerfully accepted the situation and approached their victims. + "We are going to teach you," they said. "What would you like to + be taught?"</p> + + <p>"Well," said the victims, "what have you got?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, anything you like," said the Company Commanders. "Just + you choose your subject and we'll do the rest."</p> + + <p>Now that was very generous, but rather rash. For the victims + took them at their word, and so by the time the perspiring + Platoon Commanders had produced their returns (in triplicate) + it was found that there were forty-three subjects to be + provided for, including seven languages, six branches of + science, four kinds of engineering, six commercial subjects and + various sundries, such as metaphysics, wool-classing and + coker-nut planting.</p> + + <p>The way the Company Commanders dealt with this problem was + quite simple and ingenious. They sent for all junior officers + and asked what they were prepared to teach. The result seemed + really rather good. Tom said he would take French, having spent + three months in Northern France before they sent him to + Salonika. Dick's father has an allotment and Dick himself + occasionally hunts, so he chose Agriculture, Oswald chose + Mathematics, on the strength of having been a + Quartermaster-Sergeant in the Public Schools Brigade in + September, 1914. Wilfred once went to a gas course for ten + days, so of course his subject was Science. Arthur really does + know something about Architecture and can also enlarge a map + quite nicely, so he put down Drawing. John chose Theology. He + said he once read the lessons in church; really he thought he + was safe to draw a blank.</p> + + <p>Once more the Company Commanders were equal to the + emergency. They looked at it in this way. French is a foreign + language; Spanish is also a foreign language. Tom offers to + teach a foreign language; therefore Tom shall teach Spanish. + Corn-growing in Western Canada, sheep-raising in Australia and + coker-nut planting are all obviously agriculture. Dick says he + can teach Agriculture; so he shall. The science of manures + caused some discussion as to whether it should be agriculture + or science, but it was finally settled in favour of science, + which also included physics, electricity and crystallography. + John got four theological students, but, when he investigated, + he found that one was a Jew and one a Presbyterian minister, + while the other two, like himself, thought that no one else + would have thought of it. And these touch only the fringe of + the subject.</p> + + <p>The indent sent in for materials was a rather formidable + one, but the article most in demand was a sheep, which was + wanted at the same time by Dick for his Agriculture and Arthur + for his Drawing, and also by Mac, who is O.C. the Butchery + class. Mac wrote a polite little note saying he must have at + least one a week, and he'd like "a pig to be going on with, if + you please," promising to hand, the latter over complete and in + good order, when he'd done with it, to Jones for his + bacon-curing class, "upon receipt of signature for same."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/108.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/108.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Politically inclined Nurse</i> + (<i>exhibiting new daughter to M.P.</i>). "LET US + 'OPE, SIR, THAT SHE MAY LIVE TO BE CALLED THE MOTHER + OF THE 'OUSE OF COMMONS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"120 Pairs Unbleached Calico Sheets, 2 x 2¾ + yards. Sale price, 12/11 per pair; present value, 1/- per + pair."—<i>Yorkshire Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Including new enlistments there are about 1,000 men + concentrated in and around Berlin."—<i>Manchester + Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Let FOCH be warned.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"BAD BOYS AND THE BIRCH.</p> + + <p>"We are glad to observe that the Recorder has decided to + adopt stern measures with juvenile offenders who are + brought before him in future."—<i>Irish + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Stern measures" is good.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"NON-STOP WAIST DRIVES, Every Wednesday Evening at 8.30. + £10 Top, and Six other Special + Prizes."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Believed to be under the patronage of the + FOOD-CONTROLLER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" + id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span> + + <h2>THE FOOD PROBLEM IN PARIS.</h2> + + <p>The cost of living in the vicinity of the Peace Conference + has been enormously exaggerated. Likewise the difficulty of + reorganizing Europe on a truly ethnic basis. By combining the + two questions I have found them immensely simplified, and I + have been in Paris only three days.</p> + + <p>My meaning will be clearly illustrated by the record of a + single day's experience—with the representative of the + Dodopeloponnesians for <i>déjeûner</i> and the + delegate of the Pan-Deuteronomaniads for dinner.</p> + + <p>I made the acquaintance of the first in the lift. On the way + down it came out that I was <i>journaliste</i> assisting at the + Conference of the Peace, whereupon the other introduced himself + as secretary of the Dodopeloponnesian delegation and eager for + the pleasure of entertaining me at + <i>déjeûner</i>.</p> + + <p>Nothing international arose in connection with the <i>hors + d'oeuvres</i>. It was between the soup and the fish that my + host inquired whether I had yet found time to look into the + just claim of the Dodopeloponnesian people to the neighbouring + island of Funicula.</p> + + <p>"You mean," I said, "on the ground that the island of + Funicula was brought under the Dodopeloponnesian sceptre on + September 11th, 1405, by Blagoslav the Splay-fingered, from + whom it was wrested on February 3rd, 1406, by the Seljuks?"</p> + + <p>"Precisely," he said. "But also because the people of + Funicula are originally of Dodopeloponnesian stock."</p> + + <p>"Yet they speak the language of Pan-Deuteronomania," I + said.</p> + + <p>"A debased dialect," he said, "foisted upon them by a + remission of ten per cent. in taxes for every hundred words of + the lingo learned by heart, with double votes for irregular + verbs."</p> + + <p>The <i>entrée</i>, something with eggs and jelly, was + excellent.</p> + + <p>"Far be it from me to deny," I said, "the fact that Funicula + is by right a part of the inheritance of the + Octo-syllabarians"—and I bowed gracefully to my host, who + raised his glass in return—"and I agree in advance with + every argument you put forward in favour of a restored + Sesquicentennial commonwealth by bringing together the + scattered members of the Duodecimal race from all over the + world. In fact," I added as the waiter poured out the + champagne, "it seems to me that in addition to the Island of + Funicula there properly belongs, in the realm of your Greater + Anti-Vivisectoria, the adjacent promontory, geyser and natural + bridge of Pneumobronchia, from which the last Seljuk ruler, + Didyffius the Forty-fifth, leaped in front of a machete wielded + by his eldest son, who therefore became Didymus the + Forty-sixth."</p> + + <p>He was delighted to find so much sympathy and understanding + in an alien journalist from far across the seas. His bill, so + far as a hurried and discreet glance could reveal, was 89 + francs 50 centimes, not including the <i>taxe</i>.</p> + + <p>On the other hand, the <i>sous-secrétaire</i> of the + Pan-Deuteronomaniad delegation, who took me out to dinner that + same night, paid 127 francs (including theatre tickets) before + he proved to my satisfaction that the basic civilization of + Funicula Island is after all Pan-whatever-you-call-it.</p> + + <p>At any rate my point is made. My expenditure on food these + three days in Paris has been negligible, and there is rumour + that the Supra-Zambesian delegation is thinking of opening a + hotel with running water, h. and c., in every room.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/109.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/109.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Gunner</i>. "DO YOU PLAY THE PIANO?"</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i>. "NO, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Gunner</i>. "NOR THE 'CELLO?"</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i>. "NO, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Gunner</i>. "WELL, THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR RUMOURS OF + A BARBER JUST FOLLOW THE MATTER UP."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" + id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span> + + <h2><i>DULCE DOMUM</i>.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The air is full of rain and sleet,</p> + + <p>A dingy fog obscures the street;</p> + + <p>I watch the pane and wonder will</p> + + <p>The sun be shining on Boar's Hill,</p> + + <p>Rekindling on his western course</p> + + <p>The dying splendour of the gorse</p> + + <p>And kissing hands in joyous mood</p> + + <p>To primroses in Bagley Wood.</p> + + <p>I wish that when old Phoebus drops</p> + + <p>Behind yon hedgehog-haunted copse</p> + + <p>And high and bright the Northern Crown</p> + + <p>Is standing over White Horse Down</p> + + <p>I could be sitting by the fire</p> + + <p>In that my Land of Heart's Desire—</p> + + <p>A fire of fir-cones and a log</p> + + <p>And at my feet a fubsy dog</p> + + <p>In Robinwood! In Robinwood!</p> + + <p>I think the angels, if they could,</p> + + <p>Would trade their harps for railway tickets</p> + + <p>Or hang their crowns upon the thickets</p> + + <p>And walk the highways of the world</p> + + <p>Through eves of gold and dawns empearled,</p> + + <p>Could they be sure the road led on</p> + + <p>Twixt Oxford spires and Abingdon</p> + + <p>To where above twin valleys stands</p> + + <p>Boar's Hill, the best of promised lands;</p> + + <p>That at the journey's end there stood</p> + + <p>A heaven on earth like Robinwood.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Heigho! The sleet still whips the pane</p> + + <p>And I must turn to work again</p> + + <p>Where the brown stout of Erin hums</p> + + <p>Through Dublin's aromatic slums</p> + + <p>And Sinn Fein youths with shifty faces</p> + + <p>Hold "Parliaments" in public places</p> + + <p>And, heaping curse on mountainous curse</p> + + <p>In unintelligible Erse,</p> + + <p>Harass with threats of war and arson</p> + + <p>Base Briton and still baser CARSON.</p> + + <p>But some day when the powers that be</p> + + <p>Demobilise the likes of me</p> + + <p>(Some seven years hence, as I infer,</p> + + <p>My actual exit will occur)</p> + + <p>Swift o'er the Irish Sea I'll fly,</p> + + <p>Yea, though each wave be mountains high,</p> + + <p>Nor pause till I descend to grab</p> + + <p>Oxford's surviving taxicab.</p> + + <p>Then "Home!" (Ah, HOME! my heart be still!)</p> + + <p>I'll say, and, when we reach Boar's Hill,</p> + + <p>I'll fill my lungs with heaven's own air</p> + + <p>And pay the cabman twice his fare,</p> + + <p>Then, looking far and looking nigh,</p> + + <p>Bare-headed and with hand on high,</p> + + <p>"Hear ye," I'll cry, "the vow I make,</p> + + <p>Familiar sprites of byre and brake,</p> + + <p><i>J'y suis, j'y reste</i>. Let Bolshevicks</p> + + <p>Sweep from the Volga to the Styx;</p> + + <p>Let internecine carnage vex</p> + + <p>The gathering hosts of Poles and Czechs,</p> + + <p>And Jugo-Slavs and Tyrolese</p> + + <p>Impair the swart Italian's ease—</p> + + <p>Me for Boar's Hill! These war-worn ears</p> + + <p>Are deaf to cries for volunteers;</p> + + <p>No Samuel Browne or British warm</p> + + <p>Shall drape this svelte Apolline form</p> + + <p>Till over Cumnor's outraged top</p> + + <p>The actual shells begin to drop;</p> + + <p>Till below Youlberry's stately pines</p> + + <p>Echo the whiskered Bolshy's lines</p> + + <p>And General TROTSKY'S baggage blocks</p> + + <p>The snug bar-parlour of 'The Fox.'"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ALGOL.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROMANCE WHILE YOU WAIT.</h2> + + <p>My friend and I occupied facing seats in a railway-carriage + on a tedious journey. Having nothing to read and not much to + say, I gazed through the windows at the sodden English winter + landscape, while my friend's eyes were fixed on the opposite + wall of the compartment, above my head.</p> + + <p>"What a country!" I exclaimed at last. "Good heavens, what a + country, to spend one's life in!"</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said, withdrawing his eyes from the space above my + head. "And why do we stay in it when there are such glorious + paradises to go to? Hawaii now. If you really want divine + laziness—sun and warmth and the absence of all fretful + ambition—you should go to the South Seas. You can't get + it anywhere else. I remember when I was in Hawaii—"</p> + + <p>"Hawaii!" I interrupted. "You never told me you had been to + Hawaii."</p> + + <p>"I don't tell everything," he replied. "But the happiest + hours of my existence were spent in a little village two or + three miles from Honolulu, on the coast, where we used to go + now and then for a day's fun. It was called—let me get it + right—it was called Tormo Tonitui—and there were + pleasure-gardens there and the most fascinating girls." His + eyes took on a far-away wistfulness.</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes?" I said.</p> + + <p>"Fascinating brown girls," he said, "who played that + banjo-mandolin thing they all play, and sang mournful luxurious + songs, and danced under the lanterns at night. And the bathing! + There's no bathing here at all. There you can stay in the sea + air day if you like. It's like bathing in champagne. Sun and + surf and sands—there's nothing like it." He sighed + rapturously.</p> + + <p>"Well, I can't help saying again," I interrupted, "that it's + a most extraordinary thing that, after knowing you all these + years, you have never told me a word about Honolulu or the + South Seas or this wonderful pleasure-garden place + called—what was the name of it?"</p> + + <p>He hesitated for a moment. "Morto Notitui," he then + replied.</p> + + <p>"I don't think that's how you had it before," I said; + "surely it was Tormo Tonitui?"</p> + + <p>"Perhaps it was," he said. "I forget. Those Hawaiian names + are very much alike and all rather confusing. But you really + ought to go out there. Why don't you cut everything for a year + and get some sunshine into your system? You're fossilising + here. We all are. Let's be gamblers and chance it."</p> + + <p>"I wish I could," I said. "Tell me some more about your life + there."</p> + + <p>"It was wonderful," he went on—wonderful. I'm not + surprised that STEVENSON found it a paradise."</p> + + <p>"By the way," I asked, "did you hear anything of + STEVENSON?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, lots. I met several men who had known + him—Tusitala he was called there, you know—and + several natives. There was one extraordinary old fellow who had + helped him make the road up the mountain. He and I had some + great evenings together, yarning and drinking copra."</p> + + <p>"Did he tell you anything particularly personal about + STEVENSON?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Nothing that I remember," he said; "but he was a fine old + fellow and as thirsty as they make 'em."</p> + + <p>"What is copra like?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Great," he said. "Like—what shall I say?—well, + like Audit ale and Veuve Clicquot mixed. But it got to your + head. You had to be careful. I remember one night after a day's + bathing at—at Tromo Titonui—"</p> + + <p>"Where was that?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh, that little village I was telling you about," he said. + "I remember one night—"</p> + + <p>"Look here," I said, "you began by calling it Tormo Tonitui, + then you called it Morto Notitui and now it's Tromo Titonui. + I'm going to say again, quite seriously, that I don't believe + you ever were in Hawaii at all."</p> + + <p>"Of course I wasn't," he replied. "But what is one to do in + a railway carriage, with nothing to read, and a drenched world + and those two words staring one in the face?" and he pointed to + a placard above my head advertising a firm which provided the + best and cheapest Motor Tuition.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Demobilised.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Daddy's got his civvies on:</p> + + <p class="i2">In his room upstairs</p> + + <p>You should have heard him stamping round,</p> + + <p class="i2">Throwing down the chairs;</p> + + <p>When I went to peep at him</p> + + <p class="i2">Daddy banged his door....</p> + + <p>Well, I think I'll hide from Daddy</p> + + <p class="i2">Till the next Great War!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" + id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/111.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Exhausted Shopman</i>. "WELL, SIR, YOU'VE HAD ON + EVERY HAT IN THE PLACE. I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO + SUGGEST."</p> + + <p><i>Fastidious Warrior</i> (<i>hopelessly</i>). "NO, I + SEE NOTHING FOR IT BUT TO REMAIN IN THE ARMY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>MR. ARNOLD BENNETT'S new novel, <i>The Roll Call</i> + (HUTCHINSON), is a continuation of the <i>Clayhanger</i> series + to the extent that its hero, <i>George Cannon</i>, is the + stepson of <i>Edwin</i>, who himself makes a perfunctory + appearance at the close of the tale. The scene is, however, now + London, where we watch <i>George</i> winning fame and fortune, + quite in the masterful Five-Towns manner, as an architect. The + change is, I think, beneficial. That quality of unstalable + astonishment, native to Mr. BENNETT's folk, accords better with + the complexities of the wonderful city than to places where it + had at times only indifferent matter upon which to work. But it + is noticeable that Mr. BENNETT can communicate this surprise + not only to his characters but to his readers. There is an + enthusiasm, real or apparent, in his art which, like the beam + celestial, "evermore makes all things new," so that when he + tells us, as here, that there are studios in Chelsea or that + the lamps in the Queen's Hall have red shades, these facts + acquire the thrill of sudden and almost startling discovery. I + suppose this to be one reason for the pleasure that I always + have in his books; another is certainly the intense, even + passionate sympathy that he lavishes upon the central + character. In the present example the affairs of <i>George + Cannon</i> are shown developing largely under the stimulus of + four women, of whom the least seen is certainly the most + interesting, while <i>Lois</i>, the masterful young female whom + <i>George</i> marries, promises as a personality more than she + fulfils. We conduct <i>George's</i> fortunes as far as the + crisis produced in them by the War, and leave him contemplating + a changed life as a subaltern in the R.F.A. It is therefore + permissible to hope that in a year or two we may expect the + story of his reconstruction. I shall read it with delight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Iron Times with the Guards</i> (MURRAY), by an O.E., is + emphatically one of the books which one won't turn out from + one's war-book shelf. It fills in blanks which appear in more + ambitious and more orderly narratives. This particular old + Etonian, entering the new Army by way of the Territorials in + the first days of the War, was transferred, in the March of + 1915, to the Coldstreams and was in the fighting line in April + of the same year. A way they had in the Army of those great + days. Details of the routine of training, reported + barrack-square jests and dug-out conversations, vignettes of + trench and field, disquisitions on many strictly relevant and + less relevant topics, reflections of that fine pride in the + regiment which marks the best of soldiers, an occasional more + ambitious survey of a battle or a campaign—all this from + a ready but not pretentious pen, guided by a sound intelligence + and some power of observation, makes an admirable commentary. + Our author's narrative carries us to those days of the great + hopes of the Spring of 1917, hopes so tragically deferred. + Perhaps the best thing in an interesting sheaf is the + description of the attack of the Guards Division—as it + had become—on the Transloy-Lesboeufs-Ginchy road, with + its glory and its carnage.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is to be feared that <i>Battle Days</i> (BLACKWOOD), a + new <span class="pagenum"><a name="page112" + id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span> work by Mr. ARTHUR + FETTERLESS, author of <i>Gog</i>, will lose a good many + readers as the result of the armistice. There are battle + stories and battle books that are not stories that will live + far into the piping times of peace because they are human + documents or have the stamp of genius. These attractions are + not present in <i>Battle Days</i>, which in truth is rather + a prosy affair, though ambitious withal. It is not fiction + in the ordinary sense. Mr. FETTERLESS essays to conduct the + reader through every phase of a big "Push." Pushes were + complicated affairs, and the author does not spare us many + of the complications. And unless the reader happens to be an + ardent militarist he is apt to push off into slumberland. + Cadets should be made to read this book as a matter of + instruction; for, though it lacks the subtle humour that + endeared <i>Duffer's Drift</i> to us, it provides a striking + analysis of modern trench warfare.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Curtain of Steel</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is the + fourth book which the author of <i>In the Northern Mists</i> + has given us during the War, and in essentials it is the most + valuable of the quartette. For here we have real history, + served, it is true, with some trimmings, but none the less a + true record of the doings of our Grand Fleet since the day when + the "curtain" was lowered. "Nothing," our author says, + "nauseates a naval man so much as the attempt to represent him + as a hero or to theatricalise him and his profession." It + behoves me then to choose my words with the utmost + circumspection, and I beg him to forgive my audacity when I say + that, if I were Book-Controller, a copy of <i>The Curtain of + Steel</i> would be in (and out of) the library of every school + in the Empire. I find courage to make this statement because I + see that he does not deny that a part of our "disease of + ignorance" concerning the Senior Service is due to the modesty + of Naval men. If he will please go on correcting that + ignorance, and in the same inspiring style, I wish an even + greater access of power to his elbow.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I am allowed the reputation of a tolerable guide in writing + and style, and I can certainly help you to produce clear + English." These words, written in 1881, are to be found in a + letter of GEORGE MEREDITH to his eldest son. They show how + wildly mistaken even the best of us may be with regard to our + own qualities and gifts; for if there is one thing that + MEREDITH could not produce, that thing is clear English. Mr. + S.M. ELLIS agrees with me in this particular point, and has + written <i>George Meredith: His Life and Friends in Relation to + his Work</i> (GRANT RICHARDS) to prove that this is so. The + book is a curious compound. At one moment Mr. ELLIS sets out in + detail the Meredithian genealogy, and shows that MEREDITH was + the son and grandson of tailors and did not relish the + relationship; at another moment he describes MEREDITH'S + delightful and exuberantly youthful characteristics as a + friend; and again he shows how badly MEREDITH behaved in regard + to his first wife (though she was much more in fault), and also + in regard to his first son, Arthur. Still the book is extremely + interesting and, though it does not profess to deal in + elaborate criticism, it contains some very shrewd comments on + MEREDITH'S work and the reasons that made his novels so many + sealed books to the British public. Here and there Mr. ELLIS + allows himself almost to write a passage or two in the style of + the master. This is one of them: "As he [Maurice Fitzgerald] + was the gourmetic instrument that brought Mrs. Ockenden's art + to perfect expression, he appropriately attained + immortalisation jointly with her at the hands of the friend who + had shared with him the joys of that good woman's superlative + cookery in Seaford days."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE PAY-TABLE.</h3> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/112.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/112.png" + alt="" /></a> + <table summary="Pay Table" align="center" width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="45%">"JOHN SMITH, A.B., THREE POUNDS TEN—</td> + <td width="10%"></td> + <td width="45%">IN DEBT."</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, half-governess for boy aged nine, girl aged + six; wages £30 per year."—<i>Morning + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A half-governess is, we suppose, the feminine equivalent of + two quartermasters.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady Nurse, nursery college trained, wanted, under 34; + very experienced babies."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Perhaps they will know too much for her.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will gentleman, navy mackintosh, who spoke to lady, + blue hat, vicinity Park Station, Tuesday, 6 o'clock, speak + again same time?"—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The gentleman will doubtless beg a ride on Mr. H.G. WELLS'S + "Time Machine" in order to get back in time for the + appointment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE. K.O.B., has been appointed + Permanent Secretary to the Ministry of Food.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To skimp its daily bread for beer</p> + + <p class="i2">Was not this nation's mood;</p> + + <p>But now with lightened hearts we hear</p> + + <p class="i2">That BEVERIDGE turns to Food.</p> + </div> + </div> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11868 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11868-h/images/101-1.png b/11868-h/images/101-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..606efae --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/101-1.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/101-2.png b/11868-h/images/101-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f0135e --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/101-2.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/101-3.png b/11868-h/images/101-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b37ec80 --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/101-3.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/102.png b/11868-h/images/102.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..53ecb6b --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/102.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/103.png b/11868-h/images/103.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8248737 --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/103.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/105.png b/11868-h/images/105.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3cd20f --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/105.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/106.png b/11868-h/images/106.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e4e4eed --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/106.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/107.png b/11868-h/images/107.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dce3dfe --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/107.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/108.png b/11868-h/images/108.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b2870a --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/108.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/109.png b/11868-h/images/109.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e8002df --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/109.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/111.png b/11868-h/images/111.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..42d7913 --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/111.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/112.png b/11868-h/images/112.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8eba4f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/112.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/93.png b/11868-h/images/93.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b8dccb --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/93.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/95.png b/11868-h/images/95.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a03b6f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/95.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/97.png b/11868-h/images/97.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa6bbeb --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/97.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/98.png b/11868-h/images/98.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..64abe4e --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/98.png diff --git a/11868-h/images/99.png b/11868-h/images/99.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2c35ab --- /dev/null +++ b/11868-h/images/99.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a635a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11868 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11868) diff --git a/old/11868-8.txt b/old/11868-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a024def --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11868-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2336 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +Feb. 5, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 5, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 2, 2004 [eBook #11868] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, FEB. 5, 1919*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11868-h.htm or 11868-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/6/11868/11868-h/11868-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/6/11868/11868-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156 + +FEBRUARY 5, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Germans refer to the Armistice negotiations as +_Waffenstillstandeverhandlungen_. We hope it will be worse even than +they think. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that among the many new performances +of _Hamlet_ which are promised there will be one in aid of the fund +for brightening the lives of the clergy, with the Gloomy Dean as the +Gloomy Dane. + + *** + +"We Americans do not consider ourselves the salt of the earth," says +Senator HENRY. No, but their bacon certainly is. + + *** + +In view of the fact that there is a large quantity of marmalade +in the country, it has been decided to release it. This is such a +satisfactory solution of the problem that people are wondering whether +the Food Ministry thought of that one themselves. + + *** + +Our heart goes out to the soldier who, when offered, on +demobilisation, the option of fifty-two shillings and sixpence or a +standard suit, replied that he would rather pay the fine. + + *** + +The only surprising thing about Mr. C.B. COCHRAN'S proposal for a +Peace Fair in Hyde Park, to be arranged largely by himself, is that +there is no mention of a Serpentine dance for DELYSIA. + + *** + +The Australian Government proposes to send returned Australian +soldiers to prospect for minerals in the Northern Territories. Whether +they will be interested in them after their experience in England in +failing to locate quarts is another matter. + + *** + +Sir EDWARD ELGAR has dedicated his new orchestral work, "Polonia," to +M. PADEREWSKI. The report that the distinguished pianist-politician is +thinking of retorting with a fugue, "Stiltonia," is not confirmed. + + *** + +The Aircraft Salvage branch announces that not less than one thousand +five hundred yards of the aeroplane linen which is being disposed +of to the public will be sold to one purchaser. In the event of the +purchaser deciding to use it as a pocket-handkerchief he can have it +hemstitched for a trifling sum. + + *** + +Improvement is reported in the condition of the taxi-cab driver who +had a seizure in Piccadilly Circus while attempting to say "Thank you" +to a fare. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to announce that the Kensington man who last +week managed to board a tube train has consented to write a book about +it. + + *** + +Writing to a contemporary a Leeds correspondent says that he does not +think much of an inactive corporation. As a matter of fact, since the +introduction of rationing we didn't think active ones were being worn. + + *** + +As a result of munition work, says a health journal, quite a number of +men have given up smoking tobacco. We suppose the theory is that they +have now taken to smoking threepenny cigars. + + *** + +Mrs. MAGGIE HATHWAY of Montana is to be congratulated upon running a +six-hundred-acre farm without the help of men's labour. After all we +men must admit that her sporting effort is a distinct score for the +second oldest sex in the world. + + *** + +Anglesea Police Commission are offering one shilling and sixpence a +dozen for rats' tails to residents of the county. Some difficulty is +expected in distinguishing local from imported tails once they are +separated from the rat. + + *** + +In connection with the offers for Drury Lane Theatre it appears that +one of the would-be purchasers declares that he was more syndicate +than sinning. + + *** + +In connection with the epidemic of burglaries in London, _The Daily +Express_ has now published a leader note saying there have been too +many of late. It is hoped that this will have the desired effect. + + *** + +We are glad to report that the gentleman who, at the BURNS festival, +upon being asked if he would take a little haggis replied that he +wouldn't mind trying a wing, managed to escape with his life. + + *** + +A West Hampstead architect has designed a cottage in which there will +be no bricks in the walls, no timber in the roof, no slates or tiles +and no register grates. Too late. Jerry-builders accomplished that +trick years ago. + + *** + +While walking in Highams Park, Chingford, says a contemporary, a +postman picked up a package containing one ounce of butter. To his +eternal credit let it be said that he at once took it to the nearest +police station. + + *** + +The best brains of the country are still exercised by the alleged need +of brightening cricket. One of our own suggestions is that the bowler +should be compelled to do three Jazz-steps and two Fox-trots before +delivering the ball. + + *** + +A typist recently fell from a moving train on the Isle of Wight +railway, but was able to get up and walk towards her destination. +We hear she had a good deal to say to the guard when she overtook +the train. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEPARTURE FROM DOWNING STREET 10 A.M. + +ARRIVAL AT THE QUAI D'ORSAY 10.5 A.M. + +THE NEW AERO-GUN SERVICE BETWEEN LONDON AND PARIS. + +SOLUTION OF THE PROBLEM OF HOW MR. LLOYD GEORGE CAN BE IN BOTH PLACES +MORE OR LESS AT ONCE.] + + * * * * * + +From a _feuilleton_:-- + + "He had a cleft in his chain which Rosemarie thought most + attractive."--_Evening News_. + +There is no accounting for tastes. _We_ should have thought it +suggested the Missing Link. + + * * * * * + +EVICTED. + +(_A COMMON SCANDAL, INVITING THE ATTENTION OF THE GOVERNMENT._) + +I was amazed the other day to hear that my landlord had called to +see me. Hitherto our intercourse had been by letter and we had had +heated differences on the subject of repairs. His standpoint seemed +to be that landlords were responsible for repairs only to lightning +conductors and weathercocks. My house possesses neither of these +desirable adjuncts. + +I moved an armchair so that no one sitting in it could fail to see the +dampest wall and ordered him to be shown in. + +He was a most benevolent-looking old gentleman, and I felt I had done +him an injustice in regarding him as a property shark. + +"Glad to see you," he said, shaking me warmly by the hand. + +"Do sit down," I said. "That chair is the most comfortable. Don't be +afraid. At that distance from the wall the damp won't affect you." + +"So glad to see how comfortable you are here," said the benevolent +one. + +"If we could occasionally have a hot bath we should be more +comfortable, but the kitchen range is impossible." + +"What you need, my friend, is a house of your own so that you can +adapt it to your own ideas. How would you like this house?" + +My breath was taken away. Had the kindly one come to present me with a +house? Was I to be the object of an amiable plutocrat's benevolence? + +"I should like it very much," I said. + +"You shall have it," he said, slapping me amiably on the knee. + +I gasped for breath. In my time I had had boxes of cigars given me, +but never houses. + +"For fifteen hundred pounds, as you are the tenant," continued the +benevolent one. + +I gasped for breath again. + +"But you bought it for five hundred and fifty pounds just before the +War," I said when I had recovered. + +"Ah, before the War," chuckled the philanthropist. + +"I don't think I can afford fifteen hundred pounds." + +The benevolent one looked disappointed in me. "Dear me," he said, +"and I wanted so much to sell it to you. Well, I shall have to give +you notice to quit in June. This house must be sold." + +"But I can't get another house." + +"You can have this house. But surely you have some friend who will +advance you fifteen hundred pounds?" + +"You don't know my friends. It would be very awkward to be turned +into the street." + +"You should have a house of your own and be independent. Every man +should own his home. Now can't you think of some friend who could +assist you?" + +"Could you lend me fifteen hundred pounds for a rather speculative +investment?" I inquired. + +"Since my kindly consideration for a tenant is treated with mockery I +give you written notice to leave. A 'For Sale' board will be placed +in your garden. A clause in the lease authorises me to do that. I wish +you good morning." + +Well, I am to be evicted, and, as I'm not an Irishman, no one will +care. I shall not lie in wait with a shot-gun for my landlord. But +there is no clause in the lease forbidding me from putting up my sale +announcement beside the landlord's. It will run:-- + + _FOR SALE_ + THIS UNDESIRABLE PROPERTY + COST £550 IN 1913. + Never been repaired since. + Damp guaranteed to come through every wall. + Mice can run under the doors but there is + not sufficient space for cats to follow them. + The Kitchen Range is unusable. + All hope of baths abandon ye who enter here. + One half of the windows won't + open--the others won't shut. + All chimneys smoke in all winds. + A unique chance for the War-rich. + + * * * * * + +THE PUFF ERRATIC. + +_The New Statesman_ contains a letter from Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, +disclaiming all responsibility for the publisher's official +description of his new novel printed on the "jacket" or paper cover +thereof. It had not been submitted to him for approval and he knew +nothing of it. Mr. BENNETT is, of course, entitled to his protest, +but we greatly hope that publishers will not be induced thereby to +abstain from supplying these interesting summaries. If only the method +could be applied to standard works the results would be even more +illuminating. As for example: + +"HAMLET." + +This delicious comedy is the romance of the _Prince of Denmark_, +which, unlike other romances, begins after his marriage: with +_Polonia_, daughter of _Horatio_, who had been previously engaged to +both _Rosenstern_ and _Guildencranz_. _Hamlet_, by joining a troupe of +strolling players, offends his uncle, the reigning sovereign, and is +confined in a lunatic asylum. + +Brilliant pictures of society in Copenhagen, Denmark Hill and +Heligoland alternate with sparkling studies of the inner life of a +touring company on the Continent. + +"Can a woman love three men?" is the theme of this engrossing +extravaganza. + +"IDYLLS OF THE KING." + +In a series of exciting episodes, written in fluent heroic couplets, +the author gives us a thrilling picture of the manners and customs of +the Court of _King Arthur_, an early British sovereign, whose stately +home was situated on the Cornish Riviera. + +Owing to the compromising attentions which he pays to _Elaine_, +the Lady of Shalott, the _King_ alienates the affections of _Queen +Guinevere_ and is slain by one of his knights, _Lancelot_ by name. + +Winsome women, gallant paladins and mysterious magicians throng +these fascinating pages, which incidentally throw much light on the +theological problems discussed by the Knights of the Round Table, +among whom _Merlin_, _Vivien_ and _Enid_ are especially, prominent. + +"VANITY FAIR." + +_Major Dobbin_, a _beau sabreur_ of irresistible charm, is on the +point of eloping with _Amelia Osborne_, the wife of a brother-officer, +when the Battle of Waterloo breaks out and _Dobbin_ is slain. _Captain +Osborne_, in the mistaken impression that _Amelia_ has shared her +betrayer's fate, marries the beautiful _Becky Sharp_ and is tried +for bigamy, but is acquitted, as _Becky Sharp_ is proved to have been +already married to an Indian Nabob of the name of _Crawley_. On the +death of _Crawley_, _Becky_ marries the _Marquis of Steyne_, becomes +deeply religious and dies in the odour of sanctity. + +"Is marriage a failure?" is the problem of this kaleidoscopic drama, +which is handled with all the author's well-known soulful _verve_. + + * * * * * + +"SMITH MINOR" AGAIN. + + "_Apelles fuit carus Alexandro propter comitate._" + "Apples were dear in the days of Alexander on account + of the Committee." (? Food Controller.) + + * * * * * + + "A resolution was passed requesting the responsible local + authority to provide thirty new houses in accordance + with the Local Government Board's scheme. The houses + required were--first, those which were unfit for human + habitation."--_Sussex Paper_. + +And, to judge by some of the fantastic designs for rural cottages +published in the newspapers, those are what they will probably get. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: THE ORDER OF RELEASE. + +PIVOTAL PIG (_demobilised_). "SO LONG, LEAGUE OF RATIONS, SEE YOU +LATER."] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL DALRYMPLE. + +You would feel quite uncomfortable if you heard Dalrymple talk. He +conveys the impression that everything is badly in the way and ought +to be removed at once. That's his view. Dalrymple has no patience with +the social system. This includes everything, from the washing bill to +the House of Commons. + +Dalrymple said the General Election made him impatient. By the way, +Dalrymple is a fine upstanding personage, with just the coloured +hair the lady novelists dote on, and eyes in harmony; but despite his +handsome placid bearing Dalrymple is a fire-eater of the hungriest. + +"What you want to do is to make a clean sweep of everything," he said. +"Money is an anachronism, and in a perfectly ordered State would not +be required." + +Of course it is no more use arguing with Dalrymple than it would be +to attempt a controversy on naval affairs with Lord Nelson on his +pedestal. + +And then there is this about Dalrymple--you remember what some Court +poet said concerning Louis THE FOURTEENTH; it was to the effect that +_quand le Roi parle_--well, apparently everything and everybody else +had to put up the shutters. I forget exactly how the thing ran. It +is just so with Dalrymple. He comes into my room in the City and +warms himself, though no fire is needed to fan his enthusiasm for +destruction. The Bolsheviks are peaceable Sunday folk compared with +him. A Nihilist on a war footing would be considered Quaker-like in +his symptoms. + +Dalrymple is neck or nothing. He is a whole-hogger even to the most +indigestible bit of crackling. + +"What we want is a fresh start," he said. "Then you could begin anew +and everybody would have a chance. Burn things, blow them up, leave +nothing; then we should see something. Your whole scheme is faulty. +Your Underground--" Dalrymple has an irritating habit of fathering +things on me, which is unfair, for, as regards the Tubes, for +instance, I am sorry to say I have not even a share, and often not +as much as a strap. + +"But the Underground is only a bit overcrowded," I ventured to say. +"It can't help that, you know." + +"It is all wrong," said Dalrymple. "The entire gadget is defective. +Look at France, look at America, look at Germany and Russia and the +Jugo-Slavs." + +It was rather breathless work looking at all these nations and +peoples, but I did my best. Dalrymple is particularly strong when it +is a question of the Jugo-Slavs, and he always gave me the idea that +he spent his Saturday afternoons enunciating chatty pleasantries in +Trafalgar Square and on Tower Hill. + +But--you might just see the finish--Dalrymple was not doing anything +of the sort the afternoon that I was out house-hunting. Yes, it is +true. You will scarcely credit the fact that I found any difficulty +in tracking down an eligible villa, but that is the case. + +The quest took me to a pleasant semi-rural neighbourhood where +there was room for gardens with the borders edged with the nice soft +yellow-tinted box, and rose walks, and dainty little arbours, and +fandangled appurtenances which amateur gardeners love with perfect +justification. + +And there was Dalrymple. I won't deceive you. I recognised him on +the other side of a low oak fence. He was wearing an old hat of the +texture of the bit of headgear which the man who impersonates Napoleon +at the music-hall doubles up and plays tricks with, only Dalrymple's +hat had obviously been white and was now going green and other colours +with wear and tear. + +And wherever Dalrymple went a small cherub in a holland frock went +too. The cherub would be about five. Dalrymple was fashioning a +hen-coop out of two or three soap-boxes. Both he and the cherub ceased +activities when I hailed and approached; and I stopped to dinner. +Dalrymple told me he rather fancied he could wangle me a bungalow. + +"I know the agent chap," he said, as we sampled a very pleasant glass +of port. "Of course they want to keep it fairly dark or we should be +swamped. I have taken a lot of trouble myself, you know, and am just +starting gardening lectures at our club." + +So he went on--the house, his new roses, the hens, the jam his wife +made, the idea he had for a winter garden in the interests of his +wife's mother, who could then take the air in her Bath-chair. + +"But," I said, "you want to sweep everything away. You aim at sending +villages like this to pot--your own word, you remember. And then there +are the Jugo-Slavs--" + +Dalrymple winked and handed me the cigars. + +I fancy he is a fraud. + + * * * * * + + "AEROPLANE FLIGHT TO INDIA. + + "PREPARATIONS FOR DECEPTION IN DELHI."--_Englishman_ + (_Calcutta_). + +But the aviators, in order that there might be no doubt about their +_bona fides_, wisely landed at Karachi. + + * * * * * + +MY SERGEANT-MAJOR-DOMO. + + When WILSON has abolished War + And grim Bellona claims no more + The greatest of her sons, + What job has Peace to offer thee + That shall fulfil thy destiny, + O Sergeant-Major Buns? + + Shall thy great voice, at whose behests + Trembled a hundred martial breasts, + Be heard without a smile + Urging astonished Cingalese + To tap the tapering rubber trees + Upon their distant isle? + + Shall thy dread presence clothed in tweed + Be seen, O Buns, without the meed + Of some regretful sigh, + Fresh from the triumphs of the trench + Upon the Opposition Bench + Begging the SPEAKER'S eye? + + Nay, rather let thy mighty mind + At length its true vocation find + In the domestic sphere; + The trivial round, the common task + Shall furnish all thou needst to ask-- + There shalt thou earn thy beer. + + Yes, thou shalt play a worthy rôle, + Thou great unconquerable soul, + Within my humble flat; + For when thy voice shall thunder, "Where + Is master's cream?" what maid shall dare + Invoke the mystic cat? + + And what or volatile Miss Gripps? + The weekly notice on her lips + Shall wither at thy look. + And still one triumph waits for thee-- + And, oh! may I be there to see-- + When thou shalt face my cook! + + * * * * * + + "DATE FIXED FOR HANGING RETAILERS."--_Provincial Paper_. + +And some of them richly deserve it. + + * * * * * + + + "The League will reconsider traety obligations from time + to time. + + "The League will reconsider traeyt obligations from time + to time."--_Evening Paper_. + +And then the printer gave it up. + + * * * * * + + "A Handley Page, with two Rolls-Royce engines, was the + first and only machine to fly to India, and was the first + and only machine to fly to India, and is the second to fly + to India."--_Daily Paper_. + +Not the third and only, as for the moment we were tempted to believe. + + * * * * * + + "Young Educated Girl Pupil Wanted, help animals; live + clergyman's family; pocket-money."--_Newcastle Journal_. + +We are glad to hear of a really live clergyman. So many parsons +nowadays are accused of being dead-alive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION. + +_Maid_. "NO, MUM, I'M NOT GOING TO STAY IN THIS HOUSE TO BE INSULTED +BY HAVING 'SLAVEY' WRITTEN ON THE MAT."] + + * * * * * + +DAILY AND MAILY. + +Mr. Daily burst into the room, slamming the door behind him, to find +Mr. Maily seated before the fire. + +"Maily, you're not getting things done," he shouted as he walked +swiftly up and down the Turkey carpet. + +"Only buttoning my spat, Daily," said Mr. Maily. Then he too, +springing from his chair, walked rapidly to and fro. But whereas Mr. +Daily chose the route between the window and the motto, "Do something +else NOW!" Mr. Maily took the line between the fireplace and "Keep on +keeping on!" for they seldom felt compelled to stick to one direction. + +"Maily, I'm worried," exclaimed Mr. Daily in passing. "Things seem to +be easing down. Even you are not so nimble as you were. This silence +of the public troubles me--haven't been saying things about us for a +long time." + +"Some people even praise us," remarked Mr. Maily, disgust mingling +with the perspiration on his face. + +"We'll be damned if we put up with praise," Mr. Daily declared. + +"We shall. We'd give praise if they'd damn us," said Mr. Maily. + +"Never be funny, Maily, if you can help it," warned Mr. Daily. Then +he remarked wistfully, "If they'd only burn us again!" + +"Couldn't we go for the Archbishop of CANTERBURY?" asked Mr. Maily. +"To be burnt during morning service in a cathedral--" + +"No, these church-people couldn't be roused, Maily. Too much +dillydally about them. They'd never fall to it." + +Mr. Daily jabbed his thumb against a white bell-push, and a clerk +appeared. "Got enough work to do?" asked Mr. Daily. + +"And then some," said the clerk. + +"Well, get on with it," shouted Mr. Daily impatiently, and pressed a +red bell-push. + +"Plenty doing?" he asked the compositor who appeared. + +"Twice that," said the compositor. + +"Then go to it," barked Mr. Daily. Turning to behold Mr. Maily mopping +his brow, he cried, "For heaven's sake don't let anybody see you +standing still, Maily." + +"I was only thinking," said Mr. Maily. + +"Whatever for?" asked Mr. Daily. + +"Do you suppose--" + +"Suppose nothing. Know!" + +"How would it be to--to denounce beer?" asked Mr. Maily. + +"Gad, but you've still got pluck," said Mr. Daily with something like +admiration. "They'd burn us right enough. But there is such a thing as +too much pluck, Maily. Think again, if you must think." + +"No," Mr. Daily went on, "I doubt if a satisfactory burning can be +worked--it only comes by accident. Meanwhile, if the public won't +talk about us, we must boom ourselves;" and he sprinted to a yellow +bell-push to summon the editor. + +"This peace business," said Mr. Daily to him--"_Peace must be signed!_ +How's that for a new stunt? Cut out 'The Soldiers' Paper' and call +ourselves 'The Paper that gets Peace.' Get the boys together, work out +a scheme and come and show us in half-an-hour." + +"But, Daily, is there any likelihood of peace not being signed?" asked +Mr. Maily, when the editor had gone. + +"For goodness' sake, Maily, pull yourself together. Don't you +understand that one of the principles of our job is to back certs?" +said Mr. Daily. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Manager of Kinema Theatre_ (_referring to the two +turbulent members of audience who have been ejected_). "HOW DID THE +QUARREL COMMENCE?" + +_Doorkeeper_. "THEY WERE FIGHTING, SIR, ABOUT WHICH OF THEM THE GIRL +IN THE PICTURE WAS WINKING AT."] + + * * * * * + +LINES TO A LEGIONARY. + +(_MEMBERS OF THE NEW CORPS OF DOMESTIC SERVANTS ARE CALLED +LEGIONARIES_.) + + Sole hope of this my household, martial maid + Whom ordered ranks and discipline austere + Have shaped (I gather) for a braver trade, + So that respect, not all unmixed with fear, + Informs my breast as I await you here, + Your title, with its stern Cæsarian touch, + Does, to be frank, alarm me very much. + + Come not, I pray you, to my casual home + (Where moulting cats usurp the best arm-chair) + With the harsh practices of Ancient Rome, + The brow severe, the you-be-careful air + Which (on the film) all legionaries wear; + My dream is just a regulated ease; + Rules, if you like, but not too stringent, please. + + Come not with rude awakenings, nor request + That I at stated hours must rise and feed; + I like my morning slumber much the best + And hate a life by drastic laws decreed + (I'm not a Persian born, nor yet a Mede); + No, but with step demure and tactful come, + And if soft music greet you, oh, be dumb! + + In careless comfort let my days be spent! + And, maiden, mutual happiness shall reign; + The crash of crockery I'll not lament + Nor (when I fain would sing) will I complain + Though you should raise the far from dulcet strain; + But with a sweet content I'll bless the day + My legionary came, and came to stay. + + * * * * * + + "LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or + expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information leading + to his recovery will be rewarded."--_Glasgow Herald_. + +It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of "Variety" +ladies in the illustrated papers. + + * * * * * + + "He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, in the + present state of the country, it was imperative that soppages + should be avoided."--_Liverpool Paper_. + +Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, unless one +wears waders, extremely difficult to follow. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED.--A suitable match for a well-connected and refined + Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral character; + monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses property. Late + wife died last week."--_Indian Paper_. + +It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely off with +the old love before you are on with the new. + + * * * * * + + "The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme are: + (1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."--_Sunday Times_ (_Johannesburg_). + +The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the earliest +opportunity of denying this totally unfounded suggestion. Mr. Punch +is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen_ (_in dairy +where she has dealt for over three years_). "AND YOU WON'T FORGET THE +CREAM AS USUAL." + +_Dairy Girl_. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY MORE CREAM, +AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."] + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE FAVOUR. + +Maisie was terribly upset when she lost her gold curb bangle (with +padlock attached) between the hospital and the canteen. The first I +knew of it was seeing a handbill offering two pounds' reward on our +front gate, with the ink still damp, when I came home to lunch. There +was a similar bill blowing down the road. My wife had some more under +her arm and she pressed them on me. "Run round to the shops," she +said; "get them put right in the middle of the windows where they'll +catch everybody's eye." + +The first shop I entered was a hosier's. Since drilling in the V.T.O. +I have acquired rather a distinguished bearing. Shopkeepers invariably +treat me with attention. The hosier hurried forward, obviously +anticipating a princely order for tweeds at war prices. I hadn't the +courage to buy nothing. I selected the nearest thing on the counter, a +futurist necktie at two-and-six-three, and, as I was leaving the shop, +turned back carelessly. "By the by, would you mind putting this bill +in your window?" I said. + +His lip curled. "This is a high-class business. We make it a rule--no +bills," he said. + +At the butcher's next door there were several customers. They all gave +way to me. I made purchases worthy of my appearance and carriage, half +an ox tail and some chitterlings. Then I proffered a handbill. The man +in blue accepted it and, before I had opened my lips, returned it to +me wrapped round the ox tail. I was too taken aback to explain. In +fact, when he held out his hand, I mechanically gave him another bill +for the chitterlings. + +At the next shop, a fancy draper's, I acted with cunning. In the +centre of the window, on a raised background of silver paper, was +displayed a wreath of orange-blossom veiled with tulle. I bought +it. The young ladies were hysterical. "May I ask permission to put +this little handbill in its place?" I said. They appealed to the +shopwalker. "In the absence of the head of the firm I cannot see my +way to accede to your request," he said. "At present he is on the +Rhine. On his demobilisation I will place the matter before him if you +will leave the bill in my hands." I left it. + +I skipped a gramophone emporium and a baby-linen shop and entered a +fishmonger's. Here I adopted tactics of absolute candour. "Look here," +I said, "I haven't come to buy anything. I don't want any fish, flesh +or red-herring, but I should be no end grateful if you would stick +this bill up for me somewhere." + +"Certainly, Sir, as many as you like," said the proprietor heartily. + +Gleefully I gave him two. One he stuck on a hook on top of a couple of +ducks, and it flopped over face downwards on their breasts. The other +he laid in the middle of the marble counter, and the next moment his +assistant came along and slapped an outsize halibut on it. + +I went into a jeweller's next and purchased a gold curb bangle (with +padlock attached). + +"You clever old thing," said Maisie; "you'd never tell one from the +other, would you? Mine's a tiny bit heavier, don't you think? I've +just found it in the soap-dish. I'll change this for a filigree +pendant. All my life I've longed for a filigree pendant" + + * * * * * + + "For 85 tons of blackberries, gathered last autumn, + Northamptonshire elementary school children were paid + £2,380, 3d. a lb."--_Daily Paper_. + +The young profiteers! + + * * * * * + + "Splendid imitation almond paste for cakes can be made + as follows: Take four ounces of breadcrumbs, one small + teaspoonful of almond essence, four ounces of soft + white sugar, and one well-eaten egg to bind the + mixture."--_Answers_. + +The difficulty is to get the egg. + + * * * * * + +_APRÈS LA GUERRE_. + +"_On ne sait jamais le dessous des cartes_," as the perplexing dialect +of the aborigines of this country would put it. William and I, when +we used to discuss after-the-war prospects o' nights in the old +days, were more or less resigned to a buckshee year or two of filling +shell-holes up and pulling barbed wire down. Instead of which we all +go about the country taking in each others' education. No one, we +gather, will be allowed to go home until he has taken his B.A. with +honours. And after that--But it would be better to begin at the +beginning. + +It began within ten days of the signing of the armistice, assuming +the shape of an official inquiry from Division, a five-barred document +wherein somebody with a talent for confusing himself (and a great +contempt for the Paper Controller) managed to ask every officer the +same question in five different ways. They cancelled each other out +after a little examination and left behind merely a desire to discover +whether or not each officer had a job waiting for him on his return +to civil life. William and I took the thing at a gallop, stuck down +a succinct "Yes. Yes, No, No. Yes," subscribed our signatures and +returned the documents--or so William proposed to do--"for your +information and necessary inaction." + +"They're getting deuced heavy about these jobs, aren't they?" observed +William a day or two later. "The Old Man wants to see us all at +orderly-room for a private interview--he's got to make a return +showing whether his officers have got jobs waiting for them, if not, +why not, and please indent at once to make good any deficiencies. +Hullo, what's this?" + +It happened to be William's mail for the day--one large +official-looking envelope. It turned out to be a document from his old +unit (he had entered the Army from an O.T.C.), headed, "Resettlement +and Employment of ex-Officers: Preliminary Enquiry." It was a +formidable catechism, ranging from inquiries as to whether William had +a job ready for him to a request for a signed statement from his C.O. +certifying that he was a sober, diligent and obliging lad and had +generally given every satisfaction in his present situation. In case +he hadn't a job or wanted another one there were convenient spaces in +which to confess the whole of his past--whether he had a liking for +animals or the Colonies, mechanical aptitude (if any), down to full +list of birth-marks and next-of-kin. William thrust the thing hastily +into the stove. But I observed that there was a cloud over him for the +rest of the day. + +However, we both of us satisfied the examiner at the orderly-room, +though the renewed evidence of a determined conspiracy to find work +for him left William a trifle more thoughtful than his wont. Shades +of the prison-house began to close about our growing joy, "These +'ere jobs," remarked William, "are going to take a bit of dodging, +dearie. Looks to me as though you might cop out for anything from +a tram-driver to Lord Chief. Wish people wouldn't be so infernally +obliging. And, anyway, what is this--an Army or a Labour Exchange?" + +As the days wore on the strain became more and more intense. William's +old school had contrived an association which begged to be allowed to +do anything in the world for him except leave him for a single day in +idleness. And what time the Army was not making inquiries about his +own civil intentions and abilities it was insisting on his extracting +the same information from the platoons. William grew haggard and +morose. He began looking under his bed every night for prospective +employers and took to sleeping with a loaded Webley under his pillow +for fear of being kidnapped by a registry office. He slept in +uneasy snatches, and when he did doze off was tormented by hideous +nightmares. + +In one of them he dreamt he was on leave and walking through the City. +At every doorway he had to run the gauntlet of lithe and implacable +managing directors, all ready to pounce on him, drag him within and +chain him permanently to a stool--with the complete approval of +the Army Council. In another he was appearing before a tribunal of +employers as a conscientious objector to all forms of work. + +The last straw was when the Brigadier caused it to be made known that +if any officer was particularly unsettled about his future he might be +granted a personal interview and it would be seen what could be done +for him. William sat down with the air of one who has established a +thumping bridgehead over his Rubicon and wrote to the Brigadier direct +and as follows:-- + +"SIR,--I have the honour to hope that this finds you a good deal +better than it leaves me at present. In case you should be in any +uncertainty over your prospects on return to half-pay, I shall be +happy to grant you a personal interview at my billet (Sheet 45; G 22a +3.7.) and see whether anything can be arranged to suit you. I may +add that I have a number of excellent appointments on my books, from +knife-boy to traveller to a firm of mineral water manufacturers. For +my own part my immediate future is firmly settled, thank you. For +at least three months after my discharge from the Army I have no +intention of taking up any form of work. + +"I have the honour to be, Sir, + +"YOUR OTHERWISE OBEDIENT SERVANT, ETC." + + * * * * * + +The court-martial was held last Thursday and sentence will be +promulgated any day now. Medical evidence certified William as sane +enough to understand the nature of his offence, but as the War is +over it is unlikely that he will be shot at dawn. William himself is +confident that he will be cashiered, a sentence which carries with +it automatic and permanent exclusion from all appointments under the +Crown. "That makes a tidy gap in the wire," says William hopefully. +"They won't even be able to make a postman of me. With a bit of luck +I'll dodge the unofficial jobs--I get that holiday after all, old +bean." + + * * * * * + + "HUNTING. THE DANGER OF KICKING HORSES."--_Times._ + +Generally the shoe is on the other foot. + + * * * * * + + "The Falkirk iron fitters, by an overwhelming majority, have + opposed the forty-hour week and have agreed to a forty-four + hour week."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Bravo, Falkirk! + + * * * * * + + "The announcement of the augmentation of the British beet + in the Mediterranean appeared exclusively in the 'Sunday + Express.'"--_Daily Express_. + +It doesn't seem anything to boast about. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED.--On a farm, two capable European young or + middle-aged girls."--_South African Paper_. + +There are lots of girls answering this description, but the difficulty +is that most of them are too shy to admit it. + + * * * * * + + "M. Clemenceau ... speaks English with rare perfection, + having spent years in the United States."--_Daily Paper_. + + "M. Clemenceau, speaking in excellent English, said + 'Yes.'"--_Sunday Paper_. + +What he really said, of course, was "Yep." + + * * * * * + +QUESTION AND ANSWER. + + "What _are_ you, Sir?" the Counsel roared. + The timid witness said, "My Lord, + A Season-ticket holder I + Where London's southern suburbs lie." + "Tut, tut," his Lordship made demur, + "He meant what is your business, Sir." + The witness sighed and shook his head, + "I get no time for that," he said. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SERVICE EVOLUTION. BUD. BLOSSOM. FRUIT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Guest_ (_who has cut the cloth_). "BILLIARDS REQUIRE +CONSTANT PRACTICE."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CRISIS. + +(_BY A FUTILITY RABBIT KEEPER_.) + + There is a rabbit in the pansy bed, + There is a burrow underneath the wall, + There is a rabbit everywhere you tread, + To-day I heard a rabbit in the hall, + The same that sits at evening in my shoes + And sings his usefulness, or simply chews; + There is no corner sacred to the Muse-- + And how shall man demobilise them all? + + Far back, when England was devoid of food, + Men bade me breed the coney and I bought + Timber and wire-entanglements and hewed + Fair roomy palaces of pine-wood wrought, + Wherein our first-bought sedulously gnawed + And every night escaped and ran abroad; + Yet she was lovely and we named her Maud, + And if she ate the primulas, 'twas nought. + + The months rolled onward and she multiplied, + And all her progeny resembled her; + They ate the daffodils; they seldom died; + And no one thought of them as provender; + The children fed them weekly for a treat, + And my wife said, "The _little_ things--how sweet! + If you imagine I can ever eat + A rabbit called Persephone, you err." + + Yet famine might have hardened that proud breast, + Only that victory removed the threat; + And now, if e'er I venture to suggest + That it is time that some of them were ate, + That Maud is pivotal and costing pounds, + And how the garden is a mass of mounds, + She answers me, on military grounds, + "Peace is not come. We cannot eat them yet." + + So I shall steal to yon allotment space + With a large bag of rabbits, and unseen + Demobilise them, and in that fair place + They all shall browse on cauliflower and bean; + There Smith will come on Saturday, and think + That it is shell-shock or disease or drink; + But Maud shall dwell for ever there and sink + A world of burrows in Laburnum Green. A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +SECRETS OF THE PEACE CONFERENCE. + + "The proceedings yesterday afternoon began punctually at three + o'clock. Lord Robert Cecil sat with the British delegates. M. + Léon Bourgeois sat among the French delegates."--_Manchester + Guardian_. + +And not, as might have been thought, _vice versâ_. + + * * * * * + + "A thoroughly capable and energetic man wanted, who will look + after a family concern: Must understand management of 25 acre + farm with 10 cows, about four acres may have to be broken up. + Must be an experienced brewer, capable of mashing 10 times + a week, and taking entire charge of brewing operations with + assistance of unskilled labour. Must be conversant with + licensing laws and requirements, also present restrictions + as applying to brewing; thoroughly understand and superintend + wines and spirits department, direct repairs, capable buyer, + general manager, organiser and foreman. Must be thorough + accountant, capable of directing office and branch work, + conversant with income-tax and excess profits duty practice. + Able to drive, or willing to learn a 4-ton Commer lorry, + must be motor-cyclist to visit branches, and manage + public-houses. Absolutely essential to understand and + drive oil engines.--Further particulars apply ---- and + Sons."--_Daily Paper_. + +What we chiefly miss is any information as to how the man is to fill +up his spare time. + + * * * * * + + "ITALIAN SPELLING. + + "There are to be streets in Athens named after President Wilson + and after Mr. Lloyd George. In the 'Patris,' an Athens paper, + we read that 'Wilson' is spelt 'Ouilson,' whilst 'George' is + Tzortz,' 'Bonar Law' is 'Mponar Lo.'"--_Birmingham Mail_. + +We bow to our contemporary's erudition, but we confess it all looks +Greek to us. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROGRESSIVE WEIGHT-LIFTER.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Betty_. "MUMMY, DOES GOD SEND US OUR FOOD?" + +_Mother_. "YES, DEAR; OF COURSE HE DOES." + +_Betty_. "BUT WHAT A PRICE!"] + + * * * * * + +ALL THE TALENTS. + +Now that hostilities are at an end it is thought by many intelligent +young subalterns that a little variety might well be introduced into +Army routine. + +For instance, at a General's Inspection why should not Officers' +duties be allotted after this fashion?-- + +The Commanding Officer will bind up the Second-in-Command with a +length of red tape, showing that no escape is possible from this +form of entanglement. + +The Adjutant will give an exhibition of paper manipulation, using +various Army Forms for this purpose. + +The Assistant-Adjutant will demonstrate how a morning's work may be +made of the changing of a pen-nib, while still creating an impression +of devoted industry. + +The Messing Officer will fry a fillet of sole by means of haybox +cookery, and during the process will publicly skin a ration rabbit +in such a way that not the slightest depreciation is caused in the +value of 2½d. attached to a rabbit-skin. + +The Officer i/e Demobilisation will demobilise you while you wait +(provided you can wait long enough). + +The Quartermaster will make a model of Hampton Court Maze, +illustrative of the intricacies of his department, taking care that +his model appropriately differs from the original in having no means +of exit. + +The Medical Officer will demonstrate how the huge national +accumulation of No. 9 pills may be adapted to civilian purposes by +using the pill _(a)_ as a fertiliser for the Officers' tennis lawn, +and _(b)_ as a destroyer of the superfluous grass bordering thereon. + +Company Commanders will collaborate in a display of standing on +their own feet without the assistance of their respective Company +Sergeant-Majors. (N.B.--Absolute silence is requested during this +very delicate performance.) + +The Junior Subaltern will give an exhibition of stunt saluting. + + * * * * * + +TO MY DRESS SUIT. + + Old friend, well met! I've longed for this reunion; + You've been the lodestar of this storm-tossed ship + In those long hours which poets call Communion + With one's own Soul, and common folk the Pip. + + The foe might rage, the Brigadier might bluster. + Was I down-hearted? No! My spirit soared + And dreamt of you and me with blended lustre + Gracing some well-spread and convivial board. + + And what if now you fit askew where erstwhile + Fair lines bewrayed a figure not too svelte? + What if your shoulder-seams are like to burst, while + A sad hiatus shows beneath the belt? + + As April fills the buds to shapely beauty, + As cooks fill Robert with plum-cake and tea, + So, it may be, a diet rich and fruity + May fill the gap that sunders you from me. + + And if it fail, as I'm a, living sinner + I'll save you from the gaze of scornful eyes. + They say that Bolsheviks don't dress for dinner; + I'll off to Petrograd and Bolshevize. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Mayor_. "THE CONTENTS OF THE PURSE WILL IN TIME +INEVITABLY DISAPPEAR; BUT (_laying his hand on the clock_) HERE IS +SOMETHING WHICH WILL NEVER GO."] + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR PROPORTION. + + [Its contemporaries having told us all about Mr. Lloyd + George's hat and how President Wilson ate a banana, _The + Daily Express_ recently went one better with the headline, + "Mr. Balfour joins a Tennis Club," as the subheading of its + "Peace Conference Notes."] + + Has it always been this way, I wonder, + Did editors always display + The same disposition to blunder + O'er the weight of the news of the day? + When simpler was war and directer, + Was Athens accustomed to see + In the sheets of its _Argus_ how Hector + Had bloaters for tea? + + If so--or indeed if it's not so-- + One cannot but gently deplore + That the custom of chronicling rot so + Has not been expunged by the War. + When the world with its horrors still stunned is + And waits for vast hopes to come true, + What boots it if delegates' undies + Are scarlet or blue? + + All facts of those delegates' labours + I'm ready to read with a zest, + And they must, like myself and my neighbours, + I know, have their moments of rest; + I do not begrudge them their pleasures, + But frankly I don't care a rap + If the sport that engages their leisure's + "Up, Jenkins" or "Snap." + + Since the founts of its wisdom present us + Each morning with gems of this kind, + Such matters must strike as momentous + The news-editorial mind; + 'Tis time this delusion was done with, + High time that some voice made it clear + We don't want those fountains to run with + Such very small beer. + + * * * * * + + "A married man, aged 34 years, collided with the mail train + when riding a motorcycle into Hawera on Friday. His right + arm, collarbone, and blue hospital uniforms on Thursday + morning."--_New Zealand Herald_. + +We rather like this telescopic style of reporting. It leaves something +to the reader's imagination. + + * * * * * + + "To Parents and Pawnbrokers.--Anyone assisting to remove the + Charity Boots, marked B., from the Children's Feet, which + are the property of Mr. J. B---- and his Supporters, WILL BE + PROSECUTED."--_Irish Paper_. + +A distressful country, indeed, where the children do not own their own +feet. + + * * * * * + +WINCHESTER'S OPPORTUNITY. + +War legislation has pressed hard on many callings, and on none more +than that of the architect. But the embargo has been lifted; the +ancient art is coming to its own again, and it is of happy omen +that the new President of the Royal Academy has been chosen from the +architects. In this context we welcome the stimulating article in a +recent issue of _The Times_ _à propos_ of the Winchester War Memorial. +"Are we never," asks the writer, "to take risks in our architecture?" +and his answer, briefly summed up, is "Perish the thought. _De +l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace._" It is, of +course, a pity that the Winchester War Memorial scheme has not met +with the unanimous approval of Wykehamists. Possibly they have reason, +for while adding a new cloister, a new gateway and a new hall to +the existing school buildings, it involves the pulling down of the +Quingentenary Memorial Building, erected some twenty years ago, and +of some old houses in Kingsgate Street. Some consider such a drastic +destruction to be unfortunate, but, says _The Times_, it is "necessary +if any scheme worthy of the occasion is to be carried out." Moreover +it is proposed to re-erect the Quingentenary Memorial on a new site, +"where it will certainly look as well as ever." + +The greatest event in our history, as the writer finely observes, +cannot be worthily commemorated by any timid compromise. Winchester +has set a splendid example, but it is perhaps too much to expect +that it will be followed by London, owing to the inevitable clash of +conflicting interests in our unwieldy metropolis. The erection of +a new Pantheon on the site of St. Paul's and the removal of WREN'S +massive but _démodé_ structure to Hampstead Heath, where it would +certainly look as well as ever, is, we fear, however much _The Times_ +may desire it, beyond the range of practical politics. But example is +infectious, and if only the Winchester authorities would expand their +scheme and carry it out with Dantonesque audacity to its full logical +conclusion, other towns and cities might ultimately fall into line. + +Winchester Cathedral, as we need hardly remind our readers, has only +been rescued from subsidence and collapse at an immense cost by a +lavish use of the resources of modern engineering. The building itself +is not without merits, but its site is inconspicuous and the swampy +nature of the soil is a constant menace to its durability. The scheme +which we venture with all humility to suggest is that it should be +removed and re-erected, in the same spirit though in the architectural +language of our own day, on the summit of St. Catherine's Hill, +where it would look better than ever, and be connected by a scenic +neo-Gothic railway with Meads. This would not only add to the +amenities of the landscape, but enable the present cathedral site to +be utilized for a purpose more in consonance with the needs of the +age. We do not presume to dictate, but may point out that if the +deanery and the canons' houses were pulled down and re-erected on the +golf-links, where they would look better than ever, space would be +available for a majestic aerodrome, or, better still, an experimental +water-stadium for submarines, in memory of KING ALFRED, the founder of +our Fleet. + +Into the question of details, design and cost it is not for us to +enter. We confine ourselves to appealing with all the force at our +command to Winchester, fortunate, as _The Times_ reminds us, in the +choice of an architect of genius and ingenuity, to persevere, to +rise to the occasion, to cast compromise to the winds and above all +to remember that the greatest compliment which can be paid to the +architects of the past is to remove their buildings to sites where +they look better than ever and do not suffer from the immediate +neighbourhood of the masterpieces of their successors. Architecture +has been defined as "frozen music." But on great occasions such as +this it needs to be taken out of its cold-storage and judiciously +thawed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SOFT ANSWER. + +_Navvy_ (_to person who has accidentally bumped him_). "GO TO +BLANKETY--BLANK--BLANK--BLAZES." + +_Person_. "GENTLE STRANGER, YOUR LIGHTEST WISH, EXPRESSED IN SUCH +COURTEOUS LANGUAGE, IS TO ME A COMMAND." + +(_Ambulance call_.)] + + * * * * * + + "Lost, sulky inflate."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + + * * * * * + +CIVIL EDUCATION FOR SOLDIERS. + +When the armistice was signed and the close season for Germans set in, +it occurred to the authorities that it would be a waste of labour to +continue to train some few million good men for a shooting season that +might never re-open, and the weekly programme became rather a sketchy +affair till some brain more brilliant than the rest conceived the +idea of giving a good sound education in the arts of peace to this +promising and waiting multitude. The idea was joyfully accepted, and +gradually filtered through its authorised channels, suffering some +office change or other at each stage till it finally reached one of +our ancient seats of learning. It arrived rather like the peremptory +order of a newly-gazetted and bewildered subaltern, who, having got +his platoon hopelessly tied up, falls back on the time-honoured and +usually infallible "Carry on, Sergeant." + +There were some six-hundred white-hatted cadets stationed at this +spot, all thirsting (presumably) for information on gas, and Mills +bombs, and studs on the cocking-piece, and forming fours, and vertical +intervals and District Courts-martial; and when the order came to +"carry on" with education it caused something like a panic. A council +of war nearly caused Head-quarters to cancel a battalion parade, but +they pulled themselves together and held the drill, and the appointed +Jack as "Battalion Education Officer," and empowered him to draft a +scheme of work. + +When produced it consisted of fourteen paragraphs, each of which +finished up with the sentence, "This is obviously a problem for the +Company Commander." Jack had nothing to learn as to the duties of a +battalion specialist and realised that his responsibility lay simply +in providing Company Commanders, and then finding problems for them +to solve. As the Company Commanders were already in being his work +was simplified. + +However, the Company Commanders, being men of merit, cheerfully +accepted the situation and approached their victims. "We are going to +teach you," they said. "What would you like to be taught?" + +"Well," said the victims, "what have you got?" + +"Oh, anything you like," said the Company Commanders. "Just you choose +your subject and we'll do the rest." + +Now that was very generous, but rather rash. For the victims took them +at their word, and so by the time the perspiring Platoon Commanders +had produced their returns (in triplicate) it was found that there +were forty-three subjects to be provided for, including seven +languages, six branches of science, four kinds of engineering, +six commercial subjects and various sundries, such as metaphysics, +wool-classing and coker-nut planting. + +The way the Company Commanders dealt with this problem was quite +simple and ingenious. They sent for all junior officers and asked +what they were prepared to teach. The result seemed really rather +good. Tom said he would take French, having spent three months in +Northern France before they sent him to Salonika. Dick's father +has an allotment and Dick himself occasionally hunts, so he chose +Agriculture, Oswald chose Mathematics, on the strength of having been +a Quartermaster-Sergeant in the Public Schools Brigade in September, +1914. Wilfred once went to a gas course for ten days, so of course +his subject was Science. Arthur really does know something about +Architecture and can also enlarge a map quite nicely, so he put down +Drawing. John chose Theology. He said he once read the lessons in +church; really he thought he was safe to draw a blank. + +Once more the Company Commanders were equal to the emergency. They +looked at it in this way. French is a foreign language; Spanish is +also a foreign language. Tom offers to teach a foreign language; +therefore Tom shall teach Spanish. Corn-growing in Western Canada, +sheep-raising in Australia and coker-nut planting are all obviously +agriculture. Dick says he can teach Agriculture; so he shall. The +science of manures caused some discussion as to whether it should +be agriculture or science, but it was finally settled in favour of +science, which also included physics, electricity and crystallography. +John got four theological students, but, when he investigated, he +found that one was a Jew and one a Presbyterian minister, while the +other two, like himself, thought that no one else would have thought +of it. And these touch only the fringe of the subject. + +The indent sent in for materials was a rather formidable one, but the +article most in demand was a sheep, which was wanted at the same time +by Dick for his Agriculture and Arthur for his Drawing, and also by +Mac, who is O.C. the Butchery class. Mac wrote a polite little note +saying he must have at least one a week, and he'd like "a pig to be +going on with, if you please," promising to hand, the latter over +complete and in good order, when he'd done with it, to Jones for his +bacon-curing class, "upon receipt of signature for same." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Politically inclined Nurse_ (_exhibiting new daughter +to M.P._). "LET US 'OPE, SIR, THAT SHE MAY LIVE TO BE CALLED THE +MOTHER OF THE 'OUSE OF COMMONS."] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "120 Pairs Unbleached Calico Sheets, 2 x 2¾ yards. Sale price, + 12/11 per pair; present value, 1/- per pair."--_Yorkshire + Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Including new enlistments there are about 1,000 men + concentrated in and around Berlin."--_Manchester Guardian_. + +Let FOCH be warned. + + * * * * * + + "BAD BOYS AND THE BIRCH. + + "We are glad to observe that the Recorder has decided to adopt + stern measures with juvenile offenders who are brought before + him in future."--_Irish Times_. + +"Stern measures" is good. + + * * * * * + + "NON-STOP WAIST DRIVES, Every Wednesday Evening at 8.30. £10 + Top, and Six other Special Prizes."--_Local Paper_. + +Believed to be under the patronage of the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD PROBLEM IN PARIS. + +The cost of living in the vicinity of the Peace Conference has been +enormously exaggerated. Likewise the difficulty of reorganizing Europe +on a truly ethnic basis. By combining the two questions I have found +them immensely simplified, and I have been in Paris only three days. + +My meaning will be clearly illustrated by the record of a single day's +experience--with the representative of the Dodopeloponnesians for +_déjeûner_ and the delegate of the Pan-Deuteronomaniads for dinner. + +I made the acquaintance of the first in the lift. On the way down +it came out that I was _journaliste_ assisting at the Conference of +the Peace, whereupon the other introduced himself as secretary of +the Dodopeloponnesian delegation and eager for the pleasure of +entertaining me at _déjeûner_. + +Nothing international arose in connection with the _hors d'oeuvres_. +It was between the soup and the fish that my host inquired whether +I had yet found time to look into the just claim of the +Dodopeloponnesian people to the neighbouring island of Funicula. + +"You mean," I said, "on the ground that the island of Funicula was +brought under the Dodopeloponnesian sceptre on September 11th, 1405, +by Blagoslav the Splay-fingered, from whom it was wrested on February +3rd, 1406, by the Seljuks?" + +"Precisely," he said. "But also because the people of Funicula are +originally of Dodopeloponnesian stock." + +"Yet they speak the language of Pan-Deuteronomania," I said. + +"A debased dialect," he said, "foisted upon them by a remission of +ten per cent. in taxes for every hundred words of the lingo learned +by heart, with double votes for irregular verbs." + +The _entrée_, something with eggs and jelly, was excellent. + +"Far be it from me to deny," I said, "the fact that Funicula is by +right a part of the inheritance of the Octo-syllabarians"--and I bowed +gracefully to my host, who raised his glass in return--"and I agree +in advance with every argument you put forward in favour of a restored +Sesquicentennial commonwealth by bringing together the scattered +members of the Duodecimal race from all over the world. In fact," I +added as the waiter poured out the champagne, "it seems to me that +in addition to the Island of Funicula there properly belongs, in the +realm of your Greater Anti-Vivisectoria, the adjacent promontory, +geyser and natural bridge of Pneumobronchia, from which the last +Seljuk ruler, Didyffius the Forty-fifth, leaped in front of a +machete wielded by his eldest son, who therefore became Didymus the +Forty-sixth." + +He was delighted to find so much sympathy and understanding in an +alien journalist from far across the seas. His bill, so far as a +hurried and discreet glance could reveal, was 89 francs 50 centimes, +not including the _taxe_. + +On the other hand, the _sous-secrétaire_ of the Pan-Deuteronomaniad +delegation, who took me out to dinner that same night, paid 127 francs +(including theatre tickets) before he proved to my satisfaction +that the basic civilization of Funicula Island is after all +Pan-whatever-you-call-it. + +At any rate my point is made. My expenditure on food these three +days in Paris has been negligible, and there is rumour that the +Supra-Zambesian delegation is thinking of opening a hotel with running +water, h. and c., in every room. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gunner_. "DO YOU PLAY THE PIANO?" + +_Jack_. "NO, SIR." + +_Gunner_. "NOR THE 'CELLO?" + +_Jack_. "NO, SIR." + +_Gunner_. "WELL, THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR RUMOURS OF A BARBER JUST +FOLLOW THE MATTER UP."] + + * * * * * + +_DULCE DOMUM_. + + The air is full of rain and sleet, + A dingy fog obscures the street; + I watch the pane and wonder will + The sun be shining on Boar's Hill, + Rekindling on his western course + The dying splendour of the gorse + And kissing hands in joyous mood + To primroses in Bagley Wood. + I wish that when old Phoebus drops + Behind yon hedgehog-haunted copse + And high and bright the Northern Crown + Is standing over White Horse Down + I could be sitting by the fire + In that my Land of Heart's Desire-- + A fire of fir-cones and a log + And at my feet a fubsy dog + In Robinwood! In Robinwood! + I think the angels, if they could, + Would trade their harps for railway tickets + Or hang their crowns upon the thickets + And walk the highways of the world + Through eves of gold and dawns empearled, + Could they be sure the road led on + Twixt Oxford spires and Abingdon + To where above twin valleys stands + Boar's Hill, the best of promised lands; + That at the journey's end there stood + A heaven on earth like Robinwood. + + Heigho! The sleet still whips the pane + And I must turn to work again + Where the brown stout of Erin hums + Through Dublin's aromatic slums + And Sinn Fein youths with shifty faces + Hold "Parliaments" in public places + And, heaping curse on mountainous curse + In unintelligible Erse, + Harass with threats of war and arson + Base Briton and still baser CARSON. + But some day when the powers that be + Demobilise the likes of me + (Some seven years hence, as I infer, + My actual exit will occur) + Swift o'er the Irish Sea I'll fly, + Yea, though each wave be mountains high, + Nor pause till I descend to grab + Oxford's surviving taxicab. + Then "Home!" (Ah, HOME! my heart be still!) + I'll say, and, when we reach Boar's Hill, + I'll fill my lungs with heaven's own air + And pay the cabman twice his fare, + Then, looking far and looking nigh, + Bare-headed and with hand on high, + "Hear ye," I'll cry, "the vow I make, + Familiar sprites of byre and brake, + _J'y suis, j'y reste_. Let Bolshevicks + Sweep from the Volga to the Styx; + Let internecine carnage vex + The gathering hosts of Poles and Czechs, + And Jugo-Slavs and Tyrolese + Impair the swart Italian's ease-- + Me for Boar's Hill! These war-worn ears + Are deaf to cries for volunteers; + No Samuel Browne or British warm + Shall drape this svelte Apolline form + Till over Cumnor's outraged top + The actual shells begin to drop; + Till below Youlberry's stately pines + Echo the whiskered Bolshy's lines + And General TROTSKY'S baggage blocks + The snug bar-parlour of 'The Fox.'" + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +ROMANCE WHILE YOU WAIT. + +My friend and I occupied facing seats in a railway-carriage on a +tedious journey. Having nothing to read and not much to say, I gazed +through the windows at the sodden English winter landscape, while +my friend's eyes were fixed on the opposite wall of the compartment, +above my head. + +"What a country!" I exclaimed at last. "Good heavens, what a country, +to spend one's life in!" + +"Yes," he said, withdrawing his eyes from the space above my head. +"And why do we stay in it when there are such glorious paradises to go +to? Hawaii now. If you really want divine laziness--sun and warmth and +the absence of all fretful ambition--you should go to the South Seas. +You can't get it anywhere else. I remember when I was in Hawaii--" + +"Hawaii!" I interrupted. "You never told me you had been to Hawaii." + +"I don't tell everything," he replied. "But the happiest hours of +my existence were spent in a little village two or three miles +from Honolulu, on the coast, where we used to go now and then for +a day's fun. It was called--let me get it right--it was called +Tormo Tonitui--and there were pleasure-gardens there and the most +fascinating girls." His eyes took on a far-away wistfulness. + +"Yes, yes?" I said. + +"Fascinating brown girls," he said, "who played that banjo-mandolin +thing they all play, and sang mournful luxurious songs, and danced +under the lanterns at night. And the bathing! There's no bathing here +at all. There you can stay in the sea air day if you like. It's like +bathing in champagne. Sun and surf and sands--there's nothing like +it." He sighed rapturously. + +"Well, I can't help saying again," I interrupted, "that it's a most +extraordinary thing that, after knowing you all these years, you +have never told me a word about Honolulu or the South Seas or this +wonderful pleasure-garden place called--what was the name of it?" + +He hesitated for a moment. "Morto Notitui," he then replied. + +"I don't think that's how you had it before," I said; "surely it was +Tormo Tonitui?" + +"Perhaps it was," he said. "I forget. Those Hawaiian names are very +much alike and all rather confusing. But you really ought to go out +there. Why don't you cut everything for a year and get some sunshine +into your system? You're fossilising here. We all are. Let's be +gamblers and chance it." + +"I wish I could," I said. "Tell me some more about your life there." + +"It was wonderful," he went on--wonderful. I'm not surprised that +STEVENSON found it a paradise." + +"By the way," I asked, "did you hear anything of STEVENSON?" + +"Oh, yes, lots. I met several men who had known him--Tusitala he +was called there, you know--and several natives. There was one +extraordinary old fellow who had helped him make the road up the +mountain. He and I had some great evenings together, yarning and +drinking copra." + +"Did he tell you anything particularly personal about STEVENSON?" I +asked. + +"Nothing that I remember," he said; "but he was a fine old fellow and +as thirsty as they make 'em." + +"What is copra like?" I asked. + +"Great," he said. "Like--what shall I say?--well, like Audit ale and +Veuve Clicquot mixed. But it got to your head. You had to be careful. +I remember one night after a day's bathing at--at Tromo Titonui--" + +"Where was that?" I asked. + +"Oh, that little village I was telling you about," he said. "I +remember one night--" + +"Look here," I said, "you began by calling it Tormo Tonitui, then you +called it Morto Notitui and now it's Tromo Titonui. I'm going to say +again, quite seriously, that I don't believe you ever were in Hawaii +at all." + +"Of course I wasn't," he replied. "But what is one to do in a railway +carriage, with nothing to read, and a drenched world and those two +words staring one in the face?" and he pointed to a placard above my +head advertising a firm which provided the best and cheapest Motor +Tuition. + + * * * * * + +DEMOBILISED. + + Daddy's got his civvies on: + In his room upstairs + You should have heard him stamping round, + Throwing down the chairs; + When I went to peep at him + Daddy banged his door.... + Well, I think I'll hide from Daddy + Till the next Great War! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Exhausted Shopman_. "WELL, SIR, YOU'VE HAD ON EVERY +HAT IN THE PLACE. I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SUGGEST." + +_Fastidious Warrior_ (_hopelessly_). "NO, I SEE NOTHING FOR IT BUT +TO REMAIN IN THE ARMY."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +MR. ARNOLD BENNETT'S new novel, _The Roll Call_ (HUTCHINSON), is +a continuation of the _Clayhanger_ series to the extent that its +hero, _George Cannon_, is the stepson of _Edwin_, who himself makes +a perfunctory appearance at the close of the tale. The scene is, +however, now London, where we watch _George_ winning fame and fortune, +quite in the masterful Five-Towns manner, as an architect. The change +is, I think, beneficial. That quality of unstalable astonishment, +native to Mr. BENNETT's folk, accords better with the complexities +of the wonderful city than to places where it had at times only +indifferent matter upon which to work. But it is noticeable that Mr. +BENNETT can communicate this surprise not only to his characters but +to his readers. There is an enthusiasm, real or apparent, in his art +which, like the beam celestial, "evermore makes all things new," so +that when he tells us, as here, that there are studios in Chelsea +or that the lamps in the Queen's Hall have red shades, these facts +acquire the thrill of sudden and almost startling discovery. I suppose +this to be one reason for the pleasure that I always have in his +books; another is certainly the intense, even passionate sympathy +that he lavishes upon the central character. In the present example +the affairs of _George Cannon_ are shown developing largely under the +stimulus of four women, of whom the least seen is certainly the most +interesting, while _Lois_, the masterful young female whom _George_ +marries, promises as a personality more than she fulfils. We conduct +_George's_ fortunes as far as the crisis produced in them by the +War, and leave him contemplating a changed life as a subaltern in +the R.F.A. It is therefore permissible to hope that in a year or +two we may expect the story of his reconstruction. I shall read it +with delight. + + * * * * * + +_Iron Times with the Guards_ (MURRAY), by an O.E., is emphatically +one of the books which one won't turn out from one's war-book shelf. +It fills in blanks which appear in more ambitious and more orderly +narratives. This particular old Etonian, entering the new Army by way +of the Territorials in the first days of the War, was transferred, in +the March of 1915, to the Coldstreams and was in the fighting line +in April of the same year. A way they had in the Army of those great +days. Details of the routine of training, reported barrack-square +jests and dug-out conversations, vignettes of trench and field, +disquisitions on many strictly relevant and less relevant topics, +reflections of that fine pride in the regiment which marks the best +of soldiers, an occasional more ambitious survey of a battle or a +campaign--all this from a ready but not pretentious pen, guided by a +sound intelligence and some power of observation, makes an admirable +commentary. Our author's narrative carries us to those days of the +great hopes of the Spring of 1917, hopes so tragically deferred. +Perhaps the best thing in an interesting sheaf is the description +of the attack of the Guards Division--as it had become--on the +Transloy-Lesboeufs-Ginchy road, with its glory and its carnage. + + * * * * * + +It is to be feared that _Battle Days_ (BLACKWOOD), a new work by Mr. +ARTHUR FETTERLESS, author of _Gog_, will lose a good many readers as +the result of the armistice. There are battle stories and battle books +that are not stories that will live far into the piping times of peace +because they are human documents or have the stamp of genius. These +attractions are not present in _Battle Days_, which in truth is rather +a prosy affair, though ambitious withal. It is not fiction in the +ordinary sense. Mr. FETTERLESS essays to conduct the reader through +every phase of a big "Push." Pushes were complicated affairs, and the +author does not spare us many of the complications. And unless the +reader happens to be an ardent militarist he is apt to push off into +slumberland. Cadets should be made to read this book as a matter of +instruction; for, though it lacks the subtle humour that endeared +_Duffer's Drift_ to us, it provides a striking analysis of modern +trench warfare. + + * * * * * + +_The Curtain of Steel_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is the fourth book which +the author of _In the Northern Mists_ has given us during the War, and +in essentials it is the most valuable of the quartette. For here we +have real history, served, it is true, with some trimmings, but none +the less a true record of the doings of our Grand Fleet since the day +when the "curtain" was lowered. "Nothing," our author says, "nauseates +a naval man so much as the attempt to represent him as a hero or to +theatricalise him and his profession." It behoves me then to choose +my words with the utmost circumspection, and I beg him to forgive my +audacity when I say that, if I were Book-Controller, a copy of _The +Curtain of Steel_ would be in (and out of) the library of every +school in the Empire. I find courage to make this statement because I +see that he does not deny that a part of our "disease of ignorance" +concerning the Senior Service is due to the modesty of Naval men. +If he will please go on correcting that ignorance, and in the same +inspiring style, I wish an even greater access of power to his elbow. + + * * * * * + +"I am allowed the reputation of a tolerable guide in writing and +style, and I can certainly help you to produce clear English." These +words, written in 1881, are to be found in a letter of GEORGE MEREDITH +to his eldest son. They show how wildly mistaken even the best of us +may be with regard to our own qualities and gifts; for if there is one +thing that MEREDITH could not produce, that thing is clear English. +Mr. S.M. ELLIS agrees with me in this particular point, and has +written _George Meredith: His Life and Friends in Relation to his +Work_ (GRANT RICHARDS) to prove that this is so. The book is a curious +compound. At one moment Mr. ELLIS sets out in detail the Meredithian +genealogy, and shows that MEREDITH was the son and grandson of tailors +and did not relish the relationship; at another moment he describes +MEREDITH'S delightful and exuberantly youthful characteristics as a +friend; and again he shows how badly MEREDITH behaved in regard to his +first wife (though she was much more in fault), and also in regard to +his first son, Arthur. Still the book is extremely interesting and, +though it does not profess to deal in elaborate criticism, it contains +some very shrewd comments on MEREDITH'S work and the reasons that made +his novels so many sealed books to the British public. Here and there +Mr. ELLIS allows himself almost to write a passage or two in the style +of the master. This is one of them: "As he [Maurice Fitzgerald] was +the gourmetic instrument that brought Mrs. Ockenden's art to perfect +expression, he appropriately attained immortalisation jointly with her +at the hands of the friend who had shared with him the joys of that +good woman's superlative cookery in Seaford days." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PAY-TABLE. (THE END OF A PERFECT WAR.) "JOHN SMITH, +A.B., THREE POUNDS TEN--IN DEBT."] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, half-governess for boy aged nine, girl aged six; + wages £30 per year."--_Morning Post_. + +A half-governess is, we suppose, the feminine equivalent of two +quartermasters. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Nurse, nursery college trained, wanted, under 34; + very experienced babies."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Perhaps they will know too much for her. + + * * * * * + + "Will gentleman, navy mackintosh, who spoke to lady, blue + hat, vicinity Park Station, Tuesday, 6 o'clock, speak again + same time?"--_Liverpool Echo_. + +The gentleman will doubtless beg a ride on Mr. H.G. WELLS'S "Time +Machine" in order to get back in time for the appointment. + + * * * * * + + [Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE. K.O.B., has been appointed Permanent + Secretary to the Ministry of Food.] + + To skimp its daily bread for beer + Was not this nation's mood; + But now with lightened hearts we hear + That BEVERIDGE turns to Food. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, FEB. 5, 1919*** + + +******* This file should be named 11868-8.txt or 11868-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/8/6/11868 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 5, 1919</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: April 2, 2004 [eBook #11868]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, FEB. 5, 1919***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 156.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 5, 1919.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" + id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The Germans refer to the Armistice negotiations as + <i>Waffenstillstandeverhandlungen</i>. We hope it will be worse + even than they think.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the rumour that among the many new + performances of <i>Hamlet</i> which are promised there will be + one in aid of the fund for brightening the lives of the clergy, + with the Gloomy Dean as the Gloomy Dane.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We Americans do not consider ourselves the salt of the + earth," says Senator HENRY. No, but their bacon certainly + is.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In view of the fact that there is a large quantity of + marmalade in the country, it has been decided to release it. + This is such a satisfactory solution of the problem that people + are wondering whether the Food Ministry thought of that one + themselves.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Our heart goes out to the soldier who, when offered, on + demobilisation, the option of fifty-two shillings and sixpence + or a standard suit, replied that he would rather pay the + fine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The only surprising thing about Mr. C.B. COCHRAN'S proposal + for a Peace Fair in Hyde Park, to be arranged largely by + himself, is that there is no mention of a Serpentine dance for + DELYSIA.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Australian Government proposes to send returned + Australian soldiers to prospect for minerals in the Northern + Territories. Whether they will be interested in them after + their experience in England in failing to locate quarts is + another matter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Sir EDWARD ELGAR has dedicated his new orchestral work, + "Polonia," to M. PADEREWSKI. The report that the distinguished + pianist-politician is thinking of retorting with a fugue, + "Stiltonia," is not confirmed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Aircraft Salvage branch announces that not less than one + thousand five hundred yards of the aeroplane linen which is + being disposed of to the public will be sold to one purchaser. + In the event of the purchaser deciding to use it as a + pocket-handkerchief he can have it hemstitched for a trifling + sum.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Improvement is reported in the condition of the taxi-cab + driver who had a seizure in Piccadilly Circus while attempting + to say "Thank you" to a fare.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are pleased to be able to announce that the Kensington + man who last week managed to board a tube train has consented + to write a book about it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Writing to a contemporary a Leeds correspondent says that he + does not think much of an inactive corporation. As a matter of + fact, since the introduction of rationing we didn't think + active ones were being worn.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As a result of munition work, says a health journal, quite a + number of men have given up smoking tobacco. We suppose the + theory is that they have now taken to smoking threepenny + cigars.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mrs. MAGGIE HATHWAY of Montana is to be congratulated upon + running a six-hundred-acre farm without the help of men's + labour. After all we men must admit that her sporting effort is + a distinct score for the second oldest sex in the world.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Anglesea Police Commission are offering one shilling and + sixpence a dozen for rats' tails to residents of the county. + Some difficulty is expected in distinguishing local from + imported tails once they are separated from the rat.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In connection with the offers for Drury Lane Theatre it + appears that one of the would-be purchasers declares that he + was more syndicate than sinning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In connection with the epidemic of burglaries in London, + <i>The Daily Express</i> has now published a leader note saying + there have been too many of late. It is hoped that this will + have the desired effect.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to report that the gentleman who, at the BURNS + festival, upon being asked if he would take a little haggis + replied that he wouldn't mind trying a wing, managed to escape + with his life.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A West Hampstead architect has designed a cottage in which + there will be no bricks in the walls, no timber in the roof, no + slates or tiles and no register grates. Too late. + Jerry-builders accomplished that trick years ago.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>While walking in Highams Park, Chingford, says a + contemporary, a postman picked up a package containing one + ounce of butter. To his eternal credit let it be said that he + at once took it to the nearest police station.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The best brains of the country are still exercised by the + alleged need of brightening cricket. One of our own suggestions + is that the bowler should be compelled to do three Jazz-steps + and two Fox-trots before delivering the ball.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A typist recently fell from a moving train on the Isle of + Wight railway, but was able to get up and walk towards her + destination. We hear she had a good deal to say to the guard + when she overtook the train.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/93.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/93.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <table summary="Aero Gun" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="53%" + valign="top">DEPARTURE FROM DOWNING STREET + 10 A.M.</td> + + <td width="9%"></td> + + <td width="38%" + valign="top">ARRIVAL AT THE QUAI D'ORSAY + 10.5 A.M.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <h3>THE NEW AERO-GUN SERVICE BETWEEN LONDON AND + PARIS.</h3>SOLUTION OF THE PROBLEM OF HOW MR. LLOYD GEORGE + CAN BE IN BOTH PLACES MORE OR LESS AT ONCE. + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From a <i>feuilleton</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"He had a cleft in his chain which Rosemarie thought + most attractive."—<i>Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There is no accounting for tastes. <i>We</i> should have + thought it suggested the Missing Link.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" + id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span> + + <h2>EVICTED.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A common scandal, inviting the attention of the + Government.</i>)</h4> + + <p>I was amazed the other day to hear that my landlord had + called to see me. Hitherto our intercourse had been by letter + and we had had heated differences on the subject of repairs. + His standpoint seemed to be that landlords were responsible for + repairs only to lightning conductors and weathercocks. My house + possesses neither of these desirable adjuncts.</p> + + <p>I moved an armchair so that no one sitting in it could fail + to see the dampest wall and ordered him to be shown in.</p> + + <p>He was a most benevolent-looking old gentleman, and I felt I + had done him an injustice in regarding him as a property + shark.</p> + + <p>"Glad to see you," he said, shaking me warmly by the + hand.</p> + + <p>"Do sit down," I said. "That chair is the most comfortable. + Don't be afraid. At that distance from the wall the damp won't + affect you."</p> + + <p>"So glad to see how comfortable you are here," said the + benevolent one.</p> + + <p>"If we could occasionally have a hot bath we should be more + comfortable, but the kitchen range is impossible."</p> + + <p>"What you need, my friend, is a house of your own so that + you can adapt it to your own ideas. How would you like this + house?"</p> + + <p>My breath was taken away. Had the kindly one come to present + me with a house? Was I to be the object of an amiable + plutocrat's benevolence?</p> + + <p>"I should like it very much," I said.</p> + + <p>"You shall have it," he said, slapping me amiably on the + knee.</p> + + <p>I gasped for breath. In my time I had had boxes of cigars + given me, but never houses.</p> + + <p>"For fifteen hundred pounds, as you are the tenant," + continued the benevolent one.</p> + + <p>I gasped for breath again.</p> + + <p>"But you bought it for five hundred and fifty pounds just + before the War," I said when I had recovered.</p> + + <p>"Ah, before the War," chuckled the philanthropist.</p> + + <p>"I don't think I can afford fifteen hundred pounds."</p> + + <p>The benevolent one looked disappointed in me. "Dear me," he + said, "and I wanted so much to sell it to you. Well, I shall + have to give you notice to quit in June. This house must be + sold."</p> + + <p>"But I can't get another house."</p> + + <p>"You can have this house. But surely you have some friend + who will advance you fifteen hundred pounds?"</p> + + <p>"You don't know my friends. It would be very awkward to be + turned into the street."</p> + + <p>"You should have a house of your own and be independent. + Every man should own his home. Now can't you think of some + friend who could assist you?"</p> + + <p>"Could you lend me fifteen hundred pounds for a rather + speculative investment?" I inquired.</p> + + <p>"Since my kindly consideration for a tenant is treated with + mockery I give you written notice to leave. A 'For Sale' board + will be placed in your garden. A clause in the lease authorises + me to do that. I wish you good morning."</p> + + <p>Well, I am to be evicted, and, as I'm not an Irishman, no + one will care. I shall not lie in wait with a shot-gun for my + landlord. But there is no clause in the lease forbidding me + from putting up my sale announcement beside the landlord's. It + will run:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>FOR SALE</i></p> + + <p>THIS UNDESIRABLE PROPERTY</p> + + <p>COST £550 IN 1913.</p> + + <p>Never been repaired since.</p> + + <p>Damp guaranteed to come through</p> + + <p>every wall.</p> + + <p>Mice can run under the doors but there</p> + + <p>is not sufficient space for cats to follow them.</p> + + <p>The Kitchen Range is unusable.</p> + + <p>All hope of baths abandon ye who enter here.</p> + + <p>One half of the windows won't open—the others + won't shut.</p> + + <p>All chimneys smoke in all winds.</p> + + <p>A unique chance for the War-rich.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PUFF ERRATIC.</h2> + + <p><i>The New Statesman</i> contains a letter from Mr. ARNOLD + BENNETT, disclaiming all responsibility for the publisher's + official description of his new novel printed on the "jacket" + or paper cover thereof. It had not been submitted to him for + approval and he knew nothing of it. Mr. BENNETT is, of course, + entitled to his protest, but we greatly hope that publishers + will not be induced thereby to abstain from supplying these + interesting summaries. If only the method could be applied to + standard works the results would be even more illuminating. As + for example:</p> + + <p>"HAMLET."</p> + + <p>This delicious comedy is the romance of the <i>Prince of + Denmark</i>, which, unlike other romances, begins after his + marriage: with <i>Polonia</i>, daughter of <i>Horatio</i>, who + had been previously engaged to both <i>Rosenstern</i> and + <i>Guildencranz</i>. <i>Hamlet</i>, by joining a troupe of + strolling players, offends his uncle, the reigning sovereign, + and is confined in a lunatic asylum.</p> + + <p>Brilliant pictures of society in Copenhagen, Denmark Hill + and Heligoland alternate with sparkling studies of the inner + life of a touring company on the Continent.</p> + + <p>"Can a woman love three men?" is the theme of this + engrossing extravaganza.</p> + + <p>"IDYLLS OF THE KING."</p> + + <p>In a series of exciting episodes, written in fluent heroic + couplets, the author gives us a thrilling picture of the + manners and customs of the Court of <i>King Arthur</i>, an + early British sovereign, whose stately home was situated on the + Cornish Riviera.</p> + + <p>Owing to the compromising attentions which he pays to + <i>Elaine</i>, the Lady of Shalott, the <i>King</i> alienates + the affections of <i>Queen Guinevere</i> and is slain by one of + his knights, <i>Lancelot</i> by name.</p> + + <p>Winsome women, gallant paladins and mysterious magicians + throng these fascinating pages, which incidentally throw much + light on the theological problems discussed by the Knights of + the Round Table, among whom <i>Merlin</i>, <i>Vivien</i> and + <i>Enid</i> are especially, prominent.</p> + + <p>"VANITY FAIR."</p> + + <p><i>Major Dobbin</i>, a <i>beau sabreur</i> of irresistible + charm, is on the point of eloping with <i>Amelia Osborne</i>, + the wife of a brother-officer, when the Battle of Waterloo + breaks out and <i>Dobbin</i> is slain. <i>Captain Osborne</i>, + in the mistaken impression that <i>Amelia</i> has shared her + betrayer's fate, marries the beautiful <i>Becky Sharp</i> and + is tried for bigamy, but is acquitted, as <i>Becky Sharp</i> is + proved to have been already married to an Indian Nabob of the + name of <i>Crawley</i>. On the death of <i>Crawley</i>, + <i>Becky</i> marries the <i>Marquis of Steyne</i>, becomes + deeply religious and dies in the odour of sanctity.</p> + + <p>"Is marriage a failure?" is the problem of this + kaleidoscopic drama, which is handled with all the author's + well-known soulful <i>verve</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Smith Minor" again.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<i>Apelles fuit carus Alexandro propter comitate.</i>" + "Apples were dear in the days of Alexander on account of + the Committee." (? Food Controller.)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A resolution was passed requesting the responsible + local authority to provide thirty new houses in accordance + with the Local Government Board's scheme. The houses + required were—first, those which were unfit for human + habitation."—<i>Sussex Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And, to judge by some of the fantastic designs for rural + cottages published in the newspapers, those are what they will + probably get.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page95" + id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/95.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/95.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE ORDER OF RELEASE.</h3>PIVOTAL PIG + (<i>demobilised</i>). "SO LONG, LEAGUE OF RATIONS, SEE YOU + LATER." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" + id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span> + + <h2>THE REAL DALRYMPLE.</h2> + + <p>You would feel quite uncomfortable if you heard Dalrymple + talk. He conveys the impression that everything is badly in the + way and ought to be removed at once. That's his view. Dalrymple + has no patience with the social system. This includes + everything, from the washing bill to the House of Commons.</p> + + <p>Dalrymple said the General Election made him impatient. By + the way, Dalrymple is a fine upstanding personage, with just + the coloured hair the lady novelists dote on, and eyes in + harmony; but despite his handsome placid bearing Dalrymple is a + fire-eater of the hungriest.</p> + + <p>"What you want to do is to make a clean sweep of + everything," he said. "Money is an anachronism, and in a + perfectly ordered State would not be required."</p> + + <p>Of course it is no more use arguing with Dalrymple than it + would be to attempt a controversy on naval affairs with Lord + Nelson on his pedestal.</p> + + <p>And then there is this about Dalrymple—you remember + what some Court poet said concerning Louis THE FOURTEENTH; it + was to the effect that <i>quand le Roi parle</i>—well, + apparently everything and everybody else had to put up the + shutters. I forget exactly how the thing ran. It is just so + with Dalrymple. He comes into my room in the City and warms + himself, though no fire is needed to fan his enthusiasm for + destruction. The Bolsheviks are peaceable Sunday folk compared + with him. A Nihilist on a war footing would be considered + Quaker-like in his symptoms.</p> + + <p>Dalrymple is neck or nothing. He is a whole-hogger even to + the most indigestible bit of crackling.</p> + + <p>"What we want is a fresh start," he said. "Then you could + begin anew and everybody would have a chance. Burn things, blow + them up, leave nothing; then we should see something. Your + whole scheme is faulty. Your Underground—" Dalrymple has + an irritating habit of fathering things on me, which is unfair, + for, as regards the Tubes, for instance, I am sorry to say I + have not even a share, and often not as much as a strap.</p> + + <p>"But the Underground is only a bit overcrowded," I ventured + to say. "It can't help that, you know."</p> + + <p>"It is all wrong," said Dalrymple. "The entire gadget is + defective. Look at France, look at America, look at Germany and + Russia and the Jugo-Slavs."</p> + + <p>It was rather breathless work looking at all these nations + and peoples, but I did my best. Dalrymple is particularly + strong when it is a question of the Jugo-Slavs, and he always + gave me the idea that he spent his Saturday afternoons + enunciating chatty pleasantries in Trafalgar Square and on + Tower Hill.</p> + + <p>But—you might just see the finish—Dalrymple was + not doing anything of the sort the afternoon that I was out + house-hunting. Yes, it is true. You will scarcely credit the + fact that I found any difficulty in tracking down an eligible + villa, but that is the case.</p> + + <p>The quest took me to a pleasant semi-rural neighbourhood + where there was room for gardens with the borders edged with + the nice soft yellow-tinted box, and rose walks, and dainty + little arbours, and fandangled appurtenances which amateur + gardeners love with perfect justification.</p> + + <p>And there was Dalrymple. I won't deceive you. I recognised + him on the other side of a low oak fence. He was wearing an old + hat of the texture of the bit of headgear which the man who + impersonates Napoleon at the music-hall doubles up and plays + tricks with, only Dalrymple's hat had obviously been white and + was now going green and other colours with wear and tear.</p> + + <p>And wherever Dalrymple went a small cherub in a holland + frock went too. The cherub would be about five. Dalrymple was + fashioning a hen-coop out of two or three soap-boxes. Both he + and the cherub ceased activities when I hailed and approached; + and I stopped to dinner. Dalrymple told me he rather fancied he + could wangle me a bungalow.</p> + + <p>"I know the agent chap," he said, as we sampled a very + pleasant glass of port. "Of course they want to keep it fairly + dark or we should be swamped. I have taken a lot of trouble + myself, you know, and am just starting gardening lectures at + our club."</p> + + <p>So he went on—the house, his new roses, the hens, the + jam his wife made, the idea he had for a winter garden in the + interests of his wife's mother, who could then take the air in + her Bath-chair.</p> + + <p>"But," I said, "you want to sweep everything away. You aim + at sending villages like this to pot—your own word, you + remember. And then there are the Jugo-Slavs—"</p> + + <p>Dalrymple winked and handed me the cigars.</p> + + <p>I fancy he is a fraud.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"AEROPLANE FLIGHT TO INDIA.</p> + + <p>"PREPARATIONS FOR DECEPTION IN + DELHI."—<i>Englishman</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But the aviators, in order that there might be no doubt + about their <i>bona fides</i>, wisely landed at Karachi.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MY SERGEANT-MAJOR-DOMO.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When WILSON has abolished War</p> + + <p>And grim Bellona claims no more</p> + + <p class="i2">The greatest of her sons,</p> + + <p>What job has Peace to offer thee</p> + + <p>That shall fulfil thy destiny,</p> + + <p class="i2">O Sergeant-Major Buns?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shall thy great voice, at whose behests</p> + + <p>Trembled a hundred martial breasts,</p> + + <p class="i2">Be heard without a smile</p> + + <p>Urging astonished Cingalese</p> + + <p>To tap the tapering rubber trees</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon their distant isle?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Shall thy dread presence clothed in tweed</p> + + <p>Be seen, O Buns, without the meed</p> + + <p class="i2">Of some regretful sigh,</p> + + <p>Fresh from the triumphs of the trench</p> + + <p>Upon the Opposition Bench</p> + + <p class="i2">Begging the SPEAKER'S eye?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nay, rather let thy mighty mind</p> + + <p>At length its true vocation find</p> + + <p class="i2">In the domestic sphere;</p> + + <p>The trivial round, the common task</p> + + <p>Shall furnish all thou needst to ask—</p> + + <p class="i2">There shalt thou earn thy beer.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, thou shalt play a worthy rôle,</p> + + <p>Thou great unconquerable soul,</p> + + <p class="i2">Within my humble flat;</p> + + <p>For when thy voice shall thunder, "Where</p> + + <p>Is master's cream?" what maid shall dare</p> + + <p class="i2">Invoke the mystic cat?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what or volatile Miss Gripps?</p> + + <p>The weekly notice on her lips</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall wither at thy look.</p> + + <p>And still one triumph waits for thee—</p> + + <p>And, oh! may I be there to see—</p> + + <p class="i2">When thou shalt face my cook!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DATE FIXED FOR HANGING RETAILERS."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And some of them richly deserve it.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The League will reconsider traety obligations from time + to time.</p> + + <p>"The League will reconsider traeyt obligations from time + to time."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And then the printer gave it up.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Handley Page, with two Rolls-Royce engines, was the + first and only machine to fly to India, and was the first + and only machine to fly to India, and is the second to fly + to India."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not the third and only, as for the moment we were tempted to + believe.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Young Educated Girl Pupil Wanted, help animals; live + clergyman's family; pocket-money."—<i>Newcastle + Journal</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are glad to hear of a really live clergyman. So many + parsons nowadays are accused of being dead-alive.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page97" + id="page97"></a>[pg 97]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/97.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/97.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION.</h3><i>Maid</i>. "NO, MUM, I'M + NOT GOING TO STAY IN THIS HOUSE TO BE INSULTED BY HAVING + 'SLAVEY' WRITTEN ON THE MAT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DAILY AND MAILY.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Daily burst into the room, slamming the door behind him, + to find Mr. Maily seated before the fire.</p> + + <p>"Maily, you're not getting things done," he shouted as he + walked swiftly up and down the Turkey carpet.</p> + + <p>"Only buttoning my spat, Daily," said Mr. Maily. Then he + too, springing from his chair, walked rapidly to and fro. But + whereas Mr. Daily chose the route between the window and the + motto, "Do something else NOW!" Mr. Maily took the line between + the fireplace and "Keep on keeping on!" for they seldom felt + compelled to stick to one direction.</p> + + <p>"Maily, I'm worried," exclaimed Mr. Daily in passing. + "Things seem to be easing down. Even you are not so nimble as + you were. This silence of the public troubles me—haven't + been saying things about us for a long time."</p> + + <p>"Some people even praise us," remarked Mr. Maily, disgust + mingling with the perspiration on his face.</p> + + <p>"We'll be damned if we put up with praise," Mr. Daily + declared.</p> + + <p>"We shall. We'd give praise if they'd damn us," said Mr. + Maily.</p> + + <p>"Never be funny, Maily, if you can help it," warned Mr. + Daily. Then he remarked wistfully, "If they'd only burn us + again!"</p> + + <p>"Couldn't we go for the Archbishop of CANTERBURY?" asked Mr. + Maily. "To be burnt during morning service in a + cathedral—"</p> + + <p>"No, these church-people couldn't be roused, Maily. Too much + dillydally about them. They'd never fall to it."</p> + + <p>Mr. Daily jabbed his thumb against a white bell-push, and a + clerk appeared. "Got enough work to do?" asked Mr. Daily.</p> + + <p>"And then some," said the clerk.</p> + + <p>"Well, get on with it," shouted Mr. Daily impatiently, and + pressed a red bell-push.</p> + + <p>"Plenty doing?" he asked the compositor who appeared.</p> + + <p>"Twice that," said the compositor.</p> + + <p>"Then go to it," barked Mr. Daily. Turning to behold Mr. + Maily mopping his brow, he cried, "For heaven's sake don't let + anybody see you standing still, Maily."</p> + + <p>"I was only thinking," said Mr. Maily.</p> + + <p>"Whatever for?" asked Mr. Daily.</p> + + <p>"Do you suppose—"</p> + + <p>"Suppose nothing. Know!"</p> + + <p>"How would it be to—to denounce beer?" asked Mr. + Maily.</p> + + <p>"Gad, but you've still got pluck," said Mr. Daily with + something like admiration. "They'd burn us right enough. But + there is such a thing as too much pluck, Maily. Think again, if + you must think."</p> + + <p>"No," Mr. Daily went on, "I doubt if a satisfactory burning + can be worked—it only comes by accident. Meanwhile, if + the public won't talk about us, we must boom ourselves;" and he + sprinted to a yellow bell-push to summon the editor.</p> + + <p>"This peace business," said Mr. Daily to him—"<i>Peace + must be signed!</i> How's that for a new stunt? Cut out 'The + Soldiers' Paper' and call ourselves 'The Paper that gets + Peace.' Get the boys together, work out a scheme and come and + show us in half-an-hour."</p> + + <p>"But, Daily, is there any likelihood of peace not being + signed?" asked Mr. Maily, when the editor had gone.</p> + + <p>"For goodness' sake, Maily, pull yourself together. Don't + you understand that one of the principles of our job is to back + certs?" said Mr. Daily.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page98" + id="page98"></a>[pg 98]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/98.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/98.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Manager of Kinema Theatre</i> (<i>referring to the + two turbulent members of audience who have been + ejected</i>). "HOW DID THE QUARREL COMMENCE?"</p> + + <p><i>Doorkeeper</i>. "THEY WERE FIGHTING, SIR, ABOUT WHICH + OF THEM THE GIRL IN THE PICTURE WAS WINKING AT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LINES TO A LEGIONARY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Members of the new corps of domestic servants are + called legionaries</i>.)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sole hope of this my household, martial maid</p> + + <p class="i2">Whom ordered ranks and discipline + austere</p> + + <p>Have shaped (I gather) for a braver trade,</p> + + <p class="i2">So that respect, not all unmixed with + fear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Informs my breast as I await you + here,</p> + + <p>Your title, with its stern Cæsarian touch,</p> + + <p>Does, to be frank, alarm me very much.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come not, I pray you, to my casual home</p> + + <p class="i2">(Where moulting cats usurp the best + arm-chair)</p> + + <p>With the harsh practices of Ancient Rome,</p> + + <p class="i2">The brow severe, the you-be-careful + air</p> + + <p class="i2">Which (on the film) all legionaries + wear;</p> + + <p>My dream is just a regulated ease;</p> + + <p>Rules, if you like, but not too stringent, + please.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come not with rude awakenings, nor request</p> + + <p class="i2">That I at stated hours must rise and + feed;</p> + + <p>I like my morning slumber much the best</p> + + <p class="i2">And hate a life by drastic laws + decreed</p> + + <p class="i2">(I'm not a Persian born, nor yet a + Mede);</p> + + <p>No, but with step demure and tactful come,</p> + + <p>And if soft music greet you, oh, be dumb!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In careless comfort let my days be spent!</p> + + <p class="i2">And, maiden, mutual happiness shall + reign;</p> + + <p>The crash of crockery I'll not lament</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor (when I fain would sing) will I + complain</p> + + <p class="i2">Though you should raise the far from + dulcet strain;</p> + + <p>But with a sweet content I'll bless the day</p> + + <p>My legionary came, and came to stay.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or + expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information + leading to his recovery will be rewarded."—<i>Glasgow + Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of + "Variety" ladies in the illustrated papers.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, + in the present state of the country, it was imperative that + soppages should be avoided."—<i>Liverpool + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, + unless one wears waders, extremely difficult to follow.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WANTED.—A suitable match for a well-connected and + refined Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral + character; monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses + property. Late wife died last week."—<i>Indian + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely + off with the old love before you are on with the new.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme + are: (1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."—<i>Sunday Times</i> + (<i>Johannesburg</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the + earliest opportunity of denying this totally unfounded + suggestion. Mr. Punch is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page99" + id="page99"></a>[pg 99]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/99.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/99.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen</i> (<i>in + dairy where she has dealt for over three years</i>). "AND + YOU WON'T FORGET THE CREAM AS USUAL."</p> + + <p><i>Dairy Girl</i>. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT + HAVE ANY MORE CREAM, AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL + IMPORTANCE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A LITTLE FAVOUR.</h2> + + <p>Maisie was terribly upset when she lost her gold curb bangle + (with padlock attached) between the hospital and the canteen. + The first I knew of it was seeing a handbill offering two + pounds' reward on our front gate, with the ink still damp, when + I came home to lunch. There was a similar bill blowing down the + road. My wife had some more under her arm and she pressed them + on me. "Run round to the shops," she said; "get them put right + in the middle of the windows where they'll catch everybody's + eye."</p> + + <p>The first shop I entered was a hosier's. Since drilling in + the V.T.O. I have acquired rather a distinguished bearing. + Shopkeepers invariably treat me with attention. The hosier + hurried forward, obviously anticipating a princely order for + tweeds at war prices. I hadn't the courage to buy nothing. I + selected the nearest thing on the counter, a futurist necktie + at two-and-six-three, and, as I was leaving the shop, turned + back carelessly. "By the by, would you mind putting this bill + in your window?" I said.</p> + + <p>His lip curled. "This is a high-class business. We make it a + rule—no bills," he said.</p> + + <p>At the butcher's next door there were several customers. + They all gave way to me. I made purchases worthy of my + appearance and carriage, half an ox tail and some chitterlings. + Then I proffered a handbill. The man in blue accepted it and, + before I had opened my lips, returned it to me wrapped round + the ox tail. I was too taken aback to explain. In fact, when he + held out his hand, I mechanically gave him another bill for the + chitterlings.</p> + + <p>At the next shop, a fancy draper's, I acted with cunning. In + the centre of the window, on a raised background of silver + paper, was displayed a wreath of orange-blossom veiled with + tulle. I bought it. The young ladies were hysterical. "May I + ask permission to put this little handbill in its place?" I + said. They appealed to the shopwalker. "In the absence of the + head of the firm I cannot see my way to accede to your + request," he said. "At present he is on the Rhine. On his + demobilisation I will place the matter before him if you will + leave the bill in my hands." I left it.</p> + + <p>I skipped a gramophone emporium and a baby-linen shop and + entered a fishmonger's. Here I adopted tactics of absolute + candour. "Look here," I said, "I haven't come to buy anything. + I don't want any fish, flesh or red-herring, but I should be no + end grateful if you would stick this bill up for me + somewhere."</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Sir, as many as you like," said the proprietor + heartily.</p> + + <p>Gleefully I gave him two. One he stuck on a hook on top of a + couple of ducks, and it flopped over face downwards on their + breasts. The other he laid in the middle of the marble counter, + and the next moment his assistant came along and slapped an + outsize halibut on it.</p> + + <p>I went into a jeweller's next and purchased a gold curb + bangle (with padlock attached).</p> + + <p>"You clever old thing," said Maisie; "you'd never tell one + from the other, would you? Mine's a tiny bit heavier, don't you + think? I've just found it in the soap-dish. I'll change this + for a filigree pendant. All my life I've longed for a filigree + pendant"</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For 85 tons of blackberries, gathered last autumn, + Northamptonshire elementary school children were paid + £2,380, 3d. a lb."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The young profiteers!</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Splendid imitation almond paste for cakes can be made + as follows: Take four ounces of breadcrumbs, one small + teaspoonful of almond essence, four ounces of soft white + sugar, and one well-eaten egg to bind the + mixture."—<i>Answers</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The difficulty is to get the egg.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page100" + id="page100"></a>[pg 100]</span> + + <h2><i>APRÈS LA GUERRE</i>.</h2> + + <p>"<i>On ne sait jamais le dessous des cartes</i>," as the + perplexing dialect of the aborigines of this country would put + it. William and I, when we used to discuss after-the-war + prospects o' nights in the old days, were more or less resigned + to a buckshee year or two of filling shell-holes up and pulling + barbed wire down. Instead of which we all go about the country + taking in each others' education. No one, we gather, will be + allowed to go home until he has taken his B.A. with honours. + And after that—But it would be better to begin at the + beginning.</p> + + <p>It began within ten days of the signing of the armistice, + assuming the shape of an official inquiry from Division, a + five-barred document wherein somebody with a talent for + confusing himself (and a great contempt for the Paper + Controller) managed to ask every officer the same question in + five different ways. They cancelled each other out after a + little examination and left behind merely a desire to discover + whether or not each officer had a job waiting for him on his + return to civil life. William and I took the thing at a gallop, + stuck down a succinct "Yes. Yes, No, No. Yes," subscribed our + signatures and returned the documents—or so William + proposed to do—"for your information and necessary + inaction."</p> + + <p>"They're getting deuced heavy about these jobs, aren't + they?" observed William a day or two later. "The Old Man wants + to see us all at orderly-room for a private + interview—he's got to make a return showing whether his + officers have got jobs waiting for them, if not, why not, and + please indent at once to make good any deficiencies. Hullo, + what's this?"</p> + + <p>It happened to be William's mail for the day—one large + official-looking envelope. It turned out to be a document from + his old unit (he had entered the Army from an O.T.C.), headed, + "Resettlement and Employment of ex-Officers: Preliminary + Enquiry." It was a formidable catechism, ranging from inquiries + as to whether William had a job ready for him to a request for + a signed statement from his C.O. certifying that he was a + sober, diligent and obliging lad and had generally given every + satisfaction in his present situation. In case he hadn't a job + or wanted another one there were convenient spaces in which to + confess the whole of his past—whether he had a liking for + animals or the Colonies, mechanical aptitude (if any), down to + full list of birth-marks and next-of-kin. William thrust the + thing hastily into the stove. But I observed that there was a + cloud over him for the rest of the day.</p> + + <p>However, we both of us satisfied the examiner at the + orderly-room, though the renewed evidence of a determined + conspiracy to find work for him left William a trifle more + thoughtful than his wont. Shades of the prison-house began to + close about our growing joy, "These 'ere jobs," remarked + William, "are going to take a bit of dodging, dearie. Looks to + me as though you might cop out for anything from a tram-driver + to Lord Chief. Wish people wouldn't be so infernally obliging. + And, anyway, what is this—an Army or a Labour + Exchange?"</p> + + <p>As the days wore on the strain became more and more intense. + William's old school had contrived an association which begged + to be allowed to do anything in the world for him except leave + him for a single day in idleness. And what time the Army was + not making inquiries about his own civil intentions and + abilities it was insisting on his extracting the same + information from the platoons. William grew haggard and morose. + He began looking under his bed every night for prospective + employers and took to sleeping with a loaded Webley under his + pillow for fear of being kidnapped by a registry office. He + slept in uneasy snatches, and when he did doze off was + tormented by hideous nightmares.</p> + + <p>In one of them he dreamt he was on leave and walking through + the City. At every doorway he had to run the gauntlet of lithe + and implacable managing directors, all ready to pounce on him, + drag him within and chain him permanently to a stool—with + the complete approval of the Army Council. In another he was + appearing before a tribunal of employers as a conscientious + objector to all forms of work.</p> + + <p>The last straw was when the Brigadier caused it to be made + known that if any officer was particularly unsettled about his + future he might be granted a personal interview and it would be + seen what could be done for him. William sat down with the air + of one who has established a thumping bridgehead over his + Rubicon and wrote to the Brigadier direct and as + follows:—</p> + + <p>"SIR,—I have the honour to hope that this finds you a + good deal better than it leaves me at present. In case you + should be in any uncertainty over your prospects on return to + half-pay, I shall be happy to grant you a personal interview at + my billet (Sheet 45; G 22a 3.7.) and see whether anything can + be arranged to suit you. I may add that I have a number of + excellent appointments on my books, from knife-boy to traveller + to a firm of mineral water manufacturers. For my own part my + immediate future is firmly settled, thank you. For at least + three months after my discharge from the Army I have no + intention of taking up any form of work.</p> + + <p>"I have the honour to be, Sir,</p> + + <p>"YOUR OTHERWISE OBEDIENT SERVANT, ETC."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The court-martial was held last Thursday and sentence will + be promulgated any day now. Medical evidence certified William + as sane enough to understand the nature of his offence, but as + the War is over it is unlikely that he will be shot at dawn. + William himself is confident that he will be cashiered, a + sentence which carries with it automatic and permanent + exclusion from all appointments under the Crown. "That makes a + tidy gap in the wire," says William hopefully. "They won't even + be able to make a postman of me. With a bit of luck I'll dodge + the unofficial jobs—I get that holiday after all, old + bean."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"HUNTING. THE DANGER OF KICKING + HORSES."—<i>Times.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Generally the shoe is on the other foot.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Falkirk iron fitters, by an overwhelming majority, + have opposed the forty-hour week and have agreed to a + forty-four hour week."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Bravo, Falkirk!</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The announcement of the augmentation of the British + beet in the Mediterranean appeared exclusively in the + 'Sunday Express.'"—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It doesn't seem anything to boast about.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WANTED.—On a farm, two capable European young or + middle-aged girls."—<i>South African Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There are lots of girls answering this description, but the + difficulty is that most of them are too shy to admit it.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"M. Clemenceau ... speaks English with rare perfection, + having spent years in the United States."—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + + <p>"M. Clemenceau, speaking in excellent English, said + 'Yes.'"—<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>What he really said, of course, was "Yep."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Question and Answer.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What <i>are</i> you, Sir?" the Counsel roared.</p> + + <p>The timid witness said, "My Lord,</p> + + <p>A Season-ticket holder I</p> + + <p>Where London's southern suburbs lie."</p> + + <p>"Tut, tut," his Lordship made demur,</p> + + <p>"He meant what is your business, Sir."</p> + + <p>The witness sighed and shook his head,</p> + + <p>"I get no time for that," he said.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" + id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span> + + <h2>SERVICE EVOLUTION.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/101-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-1.png" + alt="" /></a>BUD. + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/101-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-2.png" + alt="" /></a>BLOSSOM. + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/101-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/101-3.png" + alt="" /></a>FRUIT. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" + id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/102.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/102.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Guest</i> (<i>who has cut the + cloth</i>). "BILLIARDS REQUIRE CONSTANT PRACTICE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANOTHER CRISIS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Futility Rabbit Keeper</i>.)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is a rabbit in the pansy bed,</p> + + <p class="i2">There is a burrow underneath the + wall,</p> + + <p>There is a rabbit everywhere you tread,</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day I heard a rabbit in the hall,</p> + + <p class="i4">The same that sits at evening in my + shoes</p> + + <p class="i4">And sings his usefulness, or simply + chews;</p> + + <p class="i4">There is no corner sacred to the + Muse—</p> + + <p class="i2">And how shall man demobilise them + all?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far back, when England was devoid of food,</p> + + <p class="i2">Men bade me breed the coney and I + bought</p> + + <p>Timber and wire-entanglements and hewed</p> + + <p class="i2">Fair roomy palaces of pine-wood + wrought,</p> + + <p class="i4">Wherein our first-bought sedulously + gnawed</p> + + <p class="i4">And every night escaped and ran + abroad;</p> + + <p class="i4">Yet she was lovely and we named her + Maud,</p> + + <p class="i2">And if she ate the primulas, 'twas + nought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The months rolled onward and she multiplied,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all her progeny resembled her;</p> + + <p>They ate the daffodils; they seldom died;</p> + + <p class="i2">And no one thought of them as + provender;</p> + + <p class="i4">The children fed them weekly for a + treat,</p> + + <p class="i4">And my wife said, "The <i>little</i> + things—how sweet!</p> + + <p class="i4">If you imagine I can ever eat</p> + + <p class="i2">A rabbit called Persephone, you err."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet famine might have hardened that proud + breast,</p> + + <p class="i2">Only that victory removed the threat;</p> + + <p>And now, if e'er I venture to suggest</p> + + <p class="i2">That it is time that some of them were + ate,</p> + + <p class="i4">That Maud is pivotal and costing + pounds,</p> + + <p class="i4">And how the garden is a mass of + mounds,</p> + + <p class="i4">She answers me, on military grounds,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Peace is not come. We cannot eat them + yet."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I shall steal to yon allotment space</p> + + <p class="i2">With a large bag of rabbits, and + unseen</p> + + <p>Demobilise them, and in that fair place</p> + + <p class="i2">They all shall browse on cauliflower and + bean;</p> + + <p class="i4">There Smith will come on Saturday, and + think</p> + + <p class="i4">That it is shell-shock or disease or + drink;</p> + + <p class="i4">But Maud shall dwell for ever there and + sink</p> + + <p class="i2">A world of burrows in Laburnum Green. + A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Secrets of the Peace Conference.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The proceedings yesterday afternoon began punctually at + three o'clock. Lord Robert Cecil sat with the British + delegates. M. Léon Bourgeois sat among the French + delegates."—<i>Manchester Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And not, as might have been thought, <i>vice + versâ</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A thoroughly capable and energetic man wanted, who will + look after a family concern: Must understand management of + 25 acre farm with 10 cows, about four acres may have to be + broken up. Must be an experienced brewer, capable of + mashing 10 times a week, and taking entire charge of + brewing operations with assistance of unskilled labour. + Must be conversant with licensing laws and requirements, + also present restrictions as applying to brewing; + thoroughly understand and superintend wines and spirits + department, direct repairs, capable buyer, general manager, + organiser and foreman. Must be thorough accountant, capable + of directing office and branch work, conversant with + income-tax and excess profits duty practice. Able to drive, + or willing to learn a 4-ton Commer lorry, must be + motor-cyclist to visit branches, and manage public-houses. + Absolutely essential to understand and drive oil + engines.—Further particulars apply —— and + Sons."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>What we chiefly miss is any information as to how the man is + to fill up his spare time.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"ITALIAN SPELLING.</p> + + <p>"There are to be streets in Athens named after President + Wilson and after Mr. Lloyd George. In the 'Patris,' an + Athens paper, we read that 'Wilson' is spelt 'Ouilson,' + whilst 'George' is Tzortz,' 'Bonar Law' is 'Mponar + Lo.'"—<i>Birmingham Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We bow to our contemporary's erudition, but we confess it + all looks Greek to us.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" + id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/103.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/103.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE PROGRESSIVE WEIGHT-LIFTER.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" + id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/105.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/105.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Betty</i>. "MUMMY, DOES GOD SEND US OUR FOOD?"</p> + + <p><i>Mother</i>. "YES, DEAR; OF COURSE HE DOES."</p> + + <p><i>Betty</i>. "BUT WHAT A PRICE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALL THE TALENTS.</h2> + + <p>Now that hostilities are at an end it is thought by many + intelligent young subalterns that a little variety might well + be introduced into Army routine.</p> + + <p>For instance, at a General's Inspection why should not + Officers' duties be allotted after this fashion?—</p> + + <p>The Commanding Officer will bind up the Second-in-Command + with a length of red tape, showing that no escape is possible + from this form of entanglement.</p> + + <p>The Adjutant will give an exhibition of paper manipulation, + using various Army Forms for this purpose.</p> + + <p>The Assistant-Adjutant will demonstrate how a morning's work + may be made of the changing of a pen-nib, while still creating + an impression of devoted industry.</p> + + <p>The Messing Officer will fry a fillet of sole by means of + haybox cookery, and during the process will publicly skin a + ration rabbit in such a way that not the slightest depreciation + is caused in the value of 2½<i>d.</i> attached to a + rabbit-skin.</p> + + <p>The Officer i/e Demobilisation will demobilise you while you + wait (provided you can wait long enough).</p> + + <p>The Quartermaster will make a model of Hampton Court Maze, + illustrative of the intricacies of his department, taking care + that his model appropriately differs from the original in + having no means of exit.</p> + + <p>The Medical Officer will demonstrate how the huge national + accumulation of No. 9 pills may be adapted to civilian purposes + by using the pill <i>(a)</i> as a fertiliser for the Officers' + tennis lawn, and <i>(b)</i> as a destroyer of the superfluous + grass bordering thereon.</p> + + <p>Company Commanders will collaborate in a display of standing + on their own feet without the assistance of their respective + Company Sergeant-Majors. (N.B.—Absolute silence is + requested during this very delicate performance.)</p> + + <p>The Junior Subaltern will give an exhibition of stunt + saluting.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MY DRESS SUIT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old friend, well met! I've longed for this + reunion;</p> + + <p class="i2">You've been the lodestar of this + storm-tossed ship</p> + + <p>In those long hours which poets call Communion</p> + + <p class="i2">With one's own Soul, and common folk the + Pip.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The foe might rage, the Brigadier might bluster.</p> + + <p class="i2">Was I down-hearted? No! My spirit + soared</p> + + <p>And dreamt of you and me with blended lustre</p> + + <p class="i2">Gracing some well-spread and convivial + board.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what if now you fit askew where erstwhile</p> + + <p class="i2">Fair lines bewrayed a figure not too + svelte?</p> + + <p>What if your shoulder-seams are like to burst, + while</p> + + <p class="i2">A sad hiatus shows beneath the belt?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As April fills the buds to shapely beauty,</p> + + <p class="i2">As cooks fill Robert with plum-cake and + tea,</p> + + <p>So, it may be, a diet rich and fruity</p> + + <p class="i2">May fill the gap that sunders you from + me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And if it fail, as I'm a, living sinner</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll save you from the gaze of scornful + eyes.</p> + + <p>They say that Bolsheviks don't dress for dinner;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll off to Petrograd and Bolshevize.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" + id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/106.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/106.png" + alt="" /></a><i>The Mayor</i>. "THE CONTENTS OF THE + PURSE WILL IN TIME INEVITABLY DISAPPEAR; BUT + (<i>laying his hand on the clock</i>) HERE IS + SOMETHING WHICH WILL NEVER GO." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PLEA FOR PROPORTION.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Its contemporaries having told us all about Mr. Lloyd + George's hat and how President Wilson ate a banana, <i>The + Daily Express</i> recently went one better with the + headline, "Mr. Balfour joins a Tennis Club," as the + subheading of its "Peace Conference Notes."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Has it always been this way, I wonder,</p> + + <p class="i2">Did editors always display</p> + + <p>The same disposition to blunder</p> + + <p class="i2">O'er the weight of the news of the + day?</p> + + <p>When simpler was war and directer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Was Athens accustomed to see</p> + + <p>In the sheets of its <i>Argus</i> how Hector</p> + + <p class="i2">Had bloaters for tea?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If so—or indeed if it's not so—</p> + + <p class="i2">One cannot but gently deplore</p> + + <p>That the custom of chronicling rot so</p> + + <p class="i2">Has not been expunged by the War.</p> + + <p>When the world with its horrors still stunned is</p> + + <p class="i2">And waits for vast hopes to come + true,</p> + + <p>What boots it if delegates' undies</p> + + <p class="i2">Are scarlet or blue?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All facts of those delegates' labours</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm ready to read with a zest,</p> + + <p>And they must, like myself and my neighbours,</p> + + <p class="i2">I know, have their moments of rest;</p> + + <p>I do not begrudge them their pleasures,</p> + + <p class="i2">But frankly I don't care a rap</p> + + <p>If the sport that engages their leisure's</p> + + <p class="i2">"Up, Jenkins" or "Snap."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since the founts of its wisdom present us</p> + + <p class="i2">Each morning with gems of this kind,</p> + + <p>Such matters must strike as momentous</p> + + <p class="i2">The news-editorial mind;</p> + + <p>'Tis time this delusion was done with,</p> + + <p class="i2">High time that some voice made it + clear</p> + + <p>We don't want those fountains to run with</p> + + <p class="i2">Such very small beer.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A married man, aged 34 years, collided with the mail + train when riding a motorcycle into Hawera on Friday. His + right arm, collarbone, and blue hospital uniforms on + Thursday morning."—<i>New Zealand Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We rather like this telescopic style of reporting. It leaves + something to the reader's imagination.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To Parents and Pawnbrokers.—Anyone assisting to + remove the Charity Boots, marked B., from the Children's + Feet, which are the property of Mr. J. B—— and + his Supporters, WILL BE PROSECUTED."—<i>Irish + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A distressful country, indeed, where the children do not own + their own feet.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WINCHESTER'S OPPORTUNITY.</h2> + + <p>War legislation has pressed hard on many callings, and on + none more than that of the architect. But the embargo has been + lifted; the ancient art is coming to its own again, and it is + of happy omen that the new President of the Royal Academy has + been chosen from the architects. In this context we welcome the + stimulating article in a recent issue of <i>The Times</i> + <i>à propos</i> of the Winchester War Memorial. "Are we + never," asks the writer, "to take risks in our architecture?" + and his answer, briefly summed up, is "Perish the thought. + <i>De l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace.</i>" + It is, of course, a pity that the Winchester War Memorial + scheme has not met with the unanimous approval of Wykehamists. + Possibly they have reason, for while adding a new cloister, a + new gateway and a new hall to the existing school buildings, it + involves the pulling down of the Quingentenary Memorial + Building, erected some twenty years ago, and of some old houses + in Kingsgate Street. Some consider such a drastic destruction + to be unfortunate, but, says <i>The Times</i>, it is "necessary + if any scheme worthy of the occasion is + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" + id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span> to be carried out." + Moreover it is proposed to re-erect the Quingentenary + Memorial on a new site, "where it will certainly look as + well as ever."</p> + + <p>The greatest event in our history, as the writer finely + observes, cannot be worthily commemorated by any timid + compromise. Winchester has set a splendid example, but it is + perhaps too much to expect that it will be followed by London, + owing to the inevitable clash of conflicting interests in our + unwieldy metropolis. The erection of a new Pantheon on the site + of St. Paul's and the removal of WREN'S massive but + <i>démodé</i> structure to Hampstead Heath, where + it would certainly look as well as ever, is, we fear, however + much <i>The Times</i> may desire it, beyond the range of + practical politics. But example is infectious, and if only the + Winchester authorities would expand their scheme and carry it + out with Dantonesque audacity to its full logical conclusion, + other towns and cities might ultimately fall into line.</p> + + <p>Winchester Cathedral, as we need hardly remind our readers, + has only been rescued from subsidence and collapse at an + immense cost by a lavish use of the resources of modern + engineering. The building itself is not without merits, but its + site is inconspicuous and the swampy nature of the soil is a + constant menace to its durability. The scheme which we venture + with all humility to suggest is that it should be removed and + re-erected, in the same spirit though in the architectural + language of our own day, on the summit of St. Catherine's Hill, + where it would look better than ever, and be connected by a + scenic neo-Gothic railway with Meads. This would not only add + to the amenities of the landscape, but enable the present + cathedral site to be utilized for a purpose more in consonance + with the needs of the age. We do not presume to dictate, but + may point out that if the deanery and the canons' houses were + pulled down and re-erected on the golf-links, where they would + look better than ever, space would be available for a majestic + aerodrome, or, better still, an experimental water-stadium for + submarines, in memory of KING ALFRED, the founder of our + Fleet.</p> + + <p>Into the question of details, design and cost it is not for + us to enter. We confine ourselves to appealing with all the + force at our command to Winchester, fortunate, as <i>The + Times</i> reminds us, in the choice of an architect of genius + and ingenuity, to persevere, to rise to the occasion, to cast + compromise to the winds and above all to remember that the + greatest compliment which can be paid to the architects of the + past is to remove their buildings to sites where they look + better than ever and do not suffer from the immediate + neighbourhood of the masterpieces of their successors. + Architecture has been defined as "frozen music." But on great + occasions such as this it needs to be taken out of its + cold-storage and judiciously thawed.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/107.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/107.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SOFT ANSWER.</h3> + + <p><i>Navvy</i> (<i>to person who has accidentally bumped + him</i>). "GO TO + BLANKETY—BLANK—BLANK—BLAZES."</p> + + <p><i>Person</i>. "GENTLE STRANGER, YOUR LIGHTEST WISH, + EXPRESSED IN SUCH COURTEOUS LANGUAGE, IS TO ME A + COMMAND."</p> + + <p>[<i>Ambulance call</i>.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lost, sulky inflate."—<i>Glasgow Citizen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" + id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span> + + <h2>CIVIL EDUCATION FOR SOLDIERS.</h2> + + <p>When the armistice was signed and the close season for + Germans set in, it occurred to the authorities that it would be + a waste of labour to continue to train some few million good + men for a shooting season that might never re-open, and the + weekly programme became rather a sketchy affair till some brain + more brilliant than the rest conceived the idea of giving a + good sound education in the arts of peace to this promising and + waiting multitude. The idea was joyfully accepted, and + gradually filtered through its authorised channels, suffering + some office change or other at each stage till it finally + reached one of our ancient seats of learning. It arrived rather + like the peremptory order of a newly-gazetted and bewildered + subaltern, who, having got his platoon hopelessly tied up, + falls back on the time-honoured and usually infallible "Carry + on, Sergeant."</p> + + <p>There were some six-hundred white-hatted cadets stationed at + this spot, all thirsting (presumably) for information on gas, + and Mills bombs, and studs on the cocking-piece, and forming + fours, and vertical intervals and District Courts-martial; and + when the order came to "carry on" with education it caused + something like a panic. A council of war nearly caused + Head-quarters to cancel a battalion parade, but they pulled + themselves together and held the drill, and the appointed Jack + as "Battalion Education Officer," and empowered him to draft a + scheme of work.</p> + + <p>When produced it consisted of fourteen paragraphs, each of + which finished up with the sentence, "This is obviously a + problem for the Company Commander." Jack had nothing to learn + as to the duties of a battalion specialist and realised that + his responsibility lay simply in providing Company Commanders, + and then finding problems for them to solve. As the Company + Commanders were already in being his work was simplified.</p> + + <p>However, the Company Commanders, being men of merit, + cheerfully accepted the situation and approached their victims. + "We are going to teach you," they said. "What would you like to + be taught?"</p> + + <p>"Well," said the victims, "what have you got?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, anything you like," said the Company Commanders. "Just + you choose your subject and we'll do the rest."</p> + + <p>Now that was very generous, but rather rash. For the victims + took them at their word, and so by the time the perspiring + Platoon Commanders had produced their returns (in triplicate) + it was found that there were forty-three subjects to be + provided for, including seven languages, six branches of + science, four kinds of engineering, six commercial subjects and + various sundries, such as metaphysics, wool-classing and + coker-nut planting.</p> + + <p>The way the Company Commanders dealt with this problem was + quite simple and ingenious. They sent for all junior officers + and asked what they were prepared to teach. The result seemed + really rather good. Tom said he would take French, having spent + three months in Northern France before they sent him to + Salonika. Dick's father has an allotment and Dick himself + occasionally hunts, so he chose Agriculture, Oswald chose + Mathematics, on the strength of having been a + Quartermaster-Sergeant in the Public Schools Brigade in + September, 1914. Wilfred once went to a gas course for ten + days, so of course his subject was Science. Arthur really does + know something about Architecture and can also enlarge a map + quite nicely, so he put down Drawing. John chose Theology. He + said he once read the lessons in church; really he thought he + was safe to draw a blank.</p> + + <p>Once more the Company Commanders were equal to the + emergency. They looked at it in this way. French is a foreign + language; Spanish is also a foreign language. Tom offers to + teach a foreign language; therefore Tom shall teach Spanish. + Corn-growing in Western Canada, sheep-raising in Australia and + coker-nut planting are all obviously agriculture. Dick says he + can teach Agriculture; so he shall. The science of manures + caused some discussion as to whether it should be agriculture + or science, but it was finally settled in favour of science, + which also included physics, electricity and crystallography. + John got four theological students, but, when he investigated, + he found that one was a Jew and one a Presbyterian minister, + while the other two, like himself, thought that no one else + would have thought of it. And these touch only the fringe of + the subject.</p> + + <p>The indent sent in for materials was a rather formidable + one, but the article most in demand was a sheep, which was + wanted at the same time by Dick for his Agriculture and Arthur + for his Drawing, and also by Mac, who is O.C. the Butchery + class. Mac wrote a polite little note saying he must have at + least one a week, and he'd like "a pig to be going on with, if + you please," promising to hand, the latter over complete and in + good order, when he'd done with it, to Jones for his + bacon-curing class, "upon receipt of signature for same."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/108.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/108.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Politically inclined Nurse</i> + (<i>exhibiting new daughter to M.P.</i>). "LET US + 'OPE, SIR, THAT SHE MAY LIVE TO BE CALLED THE MOTHER + OF THE 'OUSE OF COMMONS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"120 Pairs Unbleached Calico Sheets, 2 x 2¾ + yards. Sale price, 12/11 per pair; present value, 1/- per + pair."—<i>Yorkshire Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Including new enlistments there are about 1,000 men + concentrated in and around Berlin."—<i>Manchester + Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Let FOCH be warned.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"BAD BOYS AND THE BIRCH.</p> + + <p>"We are glad to observe that the Recorder has decided to + adopt stern measures with juvenile offenders who are + brought before him in future."—<i>Irish + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Stern measures" is good.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"NON-STOP WAIST DRIVES, Every Wednesday Evening at 8.30. + £10 Top, and Six other Special + Prizes."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Believed to be under the patronage of the + FOOD-CONTROLLER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" + id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span> + + <h2>THE FOOD PROBLEM IN PARIS.</h2> + + <p>The cost of living in the vicinity of the Peace Conference + has been enormously exaggerated. Likewise the difficulty of + reorganizing Europe on a truly ethnic basis. By combining the + two questions I have found them immensely simplified, and I + have been in Paris only three days.</p> + + <p>My meaning will be clearly illustrated by the record of a + single day's experience—with the representative of the + Dodopeloponnesians for <i>déjeûner</i> and the + delegate of the Pan-Deuteronomaniads for dinner.</p> + + <p>I made the acquaintance of the first in the lift. On the way + down it came out that I was <i>journaliste</i> assisting at the + Conference of the Peace, whereupon the other introduced himself + as secretary of the Dodopeloponnesian delegation and eager for + the pleasure of entertaining me at + <i>déjeûner</i>.</p> + + <p>Nothing international arose in connection with the <i>hors + d'oeuvres</i>. It was between the soup and the fish that my + host inquired whether I had yet found time to look into the + just claim of the Dodopeloponnesian people to the neighbouring + island of Funicula.</p> + + <p>"You mean," I said, "on the ground that the island of + Funicula was brought under the Dodopeloponnesian sceptre on + September 11th, 1405, by Blagoslav the Splay-fingered, from + whom it was wrested on February 3rd, 1406, by the Seljuks?"</p> + + <p>"Precisely," he said. "But also because the people of + Funicula are originally of Dodopeloponnesian stock."</p> + + <p>"Yet they speak the language of Pan-Deuteronomania," I + said.</p> + + <p>"A debased dialect," he said, "foisted upon them by a + remission of ten per cent. in taxes for every hundred words of + the lingo learned by heart, with double votes for irregular + verbs."</p> + + <p>The <i>entrée</i>, something with eggs and jelly, was + excellent.</p> + + <p>"Far be it from me to deny," I said, "the fact that Funicula + is by right a part of the inheritance of the + Octo-syllabarians"—and I bowed gracefully to my host, who + raised his glass in return—"and I agree in advance with + every argument you put forward in favour of a restored + Sesquicentennial commonwealth by bringing together the + scattered members of the Duodecimal race from all over the + world. In fact," I added as the waiter poured out the + champagne, "it seems to me that in addition to the Island of + Funicula there properly belongs, in the realm of your Greater + Anti-Vivisectoria, the adjacent promontory, geyser and natural + bridge of Pneumobronchia, from which the last Seljuk ruler, + Didyffius the Forty-fifth, leaped in front of a machete wielded + by his eldest son, who therefore became Didymus the + Forty-sixth."</p> + + <p>He was delighted to find so much sympathy and understanding + in an alien journalist from far across the seas. His bill, so + far as a hurried and discreet glance could reveal, was 89 + francs 50 centimes, not including the <i>taxe</i>.</p> + + <p>On the other hand, the <i>sous-secrétaire</i> of the + Pan-Deuteronomaniad delegation, who took me out to dinner that + same night, paid 127 francs (including theatre tickets) before + he proved to my satisfaction that the basic civilization of + Funicula Island is after all Pan-whatever-you-call-it.</p> + + <p>At any rate my point is made. My expenditure on food these + three days in Paris has been negligible, and there is rumour + that the Supra-Zambesian delegation is thinking of opening a + hotel with running water, h. and c., in every room.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/109.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/109.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Gunner</i>. "DO YOU PLAY THE PIANO?"</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i>. "NO, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Gunner</i>. "NOR THE 'CELLO?"</p> + + <p><i>Jack</i>. "NO, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Gunner</i>. "WELL, THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR RUMOURS OF + A BARBER JUST FOLLOW THE MATTER UP."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" + id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span> + + <h2><i>DULCE DOMUM</i>.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The air is full of rain and sleet,</p> + + <p>A dingy fog obscures the street;</p> + + <p>I watch the pane and wonder will</p> + + <p>The sun be shining on Boar's Hill,</p> + + <p>Rekindling on his western course</p> + + <p>The dying splendour of the gorse</p> + + <p>And kissing hands in joyous mood</p> + + <p>To primroses in Bagley Wood.</p> + + <p>I wish that when old Phoebus drops</p> + + <p>Behind yon hedgehog-haunted copse</p> + + <p>And high and bright the Northern Crown</p> + + <p>Is standing over White Horse Down</p> + + <p>I could be sitting by the fire</p> + + <p>In that my Land of Heart's Desire—</p> + + <p>A fire of fir-cones and a log</p> + + <p>And at my feet a fubsy dog</p> + + <p>In Robinwood! In Robinwood!</p> + + <p>I think the angels, if they could,</p> + + <p>Would trade their harps for railway tickets</p> + + <p>Or hang their crowns upon the thickets</p> + + <p>And walk the highways of the world</p> + + <p>Through eves of gold and dawns empearled,</p> + + <p>Could they be sure the road led on</p> + + <p>Twixt Oxford spires and Abingdon</p> + + <p>To where above twin valleys stands</p> + + <p>Boar's Hill, the best of promised lands;</p> + + <p>That at the journey's end there stood</p> + + <p>A heaven on earth like Robinwood.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Heigho! The sleet still whips the pane</p> + + <p>And I must turn to work again</p> + + <p>Where the brown stout of Erin hums</p> + + <p>Through Dublin's aromatic slums</p> + + <p>And Sinn Fein youths with shifty faces</p> + + <p>Hold "Parliaments" in public places</p> + + <p>And, heaping curse on mountainous curse</p> + + <p>In unintelligible Erse,</p> + + <p>Harass with threats of war and arson</p> + + <p>Base Briton and still baser CARSON.</p> + + <p>But some day when the powers that be</p> + + <p>Demobilise the likes of me</p> + + <p>(Some seven years hence, as I infer,</p> + + <p>My actual exit will occur)</p> + + <p>Swift o'er the Irish Sea I'll fly,</p> + + <p>Yea, though each wave be mountains high,</p> + + <p>Nor pause till I descend to grab</p> + + <p>Oxford's surviving taxicab.</p> + + <p>Then "Home!" (Ah, HOME! my heart be still!)</p> + + <p>I'll say, and, when we reach Boar's Hill,</p> + + <p>I'll fill my lungs with heaven's own air</p> + + <p>And pay the cabman twice his fare,</p> + + <p>Then, looking far and looking nigh,</p> + + <p>Bare-headed and with hand on high,</p> + + <p>"Hear ye," I'll cry, "the vow I make,</p> + + <p>Familiar sprites of byre and brake,</p> + + <p><i>J'y suis, j'y reste</i>. Let Bolshevicks</p> + + <p>Sweep from the Volga to the Styx;</p> + + <p>Let internecine carnage vex</p> + + <p>The gathering hosts of Poles and Czechs,</p> + + <p>And Jugo-Slavs and Tyrolese</p> + + <p>Impair the swart Italian's ease—</p> + + <p>Me for Boar's Hill! These war-worn ears</p> + + <p>Are deaf to cries for volunteers;</p> + + <p>No Samuel Browne or British warm</p> + + <p>Shall drape this svelte Apolline form</p> + + <p>Till over Cumnor's outraged top</p> + + <p>The actual shells begin to drop;</p> + + <p>Till below Youlberry's stately pines</p> + + <p>Echo the whiskered Bolshy's lines</p> + + <p>And General TROTSKY'S baggage blocks</p> + + <p>The snug bar-parlour of 'The Fox.'"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ALGOL.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROMANCE WHILE YOU WAIT.</h2> + + <p>My friend and I occupied facing seats in a railway-carriage + on a tedious journey. Having nothing to read and not much to + say, I gazed through the windows at the sodden English winter + landscape, while my friend's eyes were fixed on the opposite + wall of the compartment, above my head.</p> + + <p>"What a country!" I exclaimed at last. "Good heavens, what a + country, to spend one's life in!"</p> + + <p>"Yes," he said, withdrawing his eyes from the space above my + head. "And why do we stay in it when there are such glorious + paradises to go to? Hawaii now. If you really want divine + laziness—sun and warmth and the absence of all fretful + ambition—you should go to the South Seas. You can't get + it anywhere else. I remember when I was in Hawaii—"</p> + + <p>"Hawaii!" I interrupted. "You never told me you had been to + Hawaii."</p> + + <p>"I don't tell everything," he replied. "But the happiest + hours of my existence were spent in a little village two or + three miles from Honolulu, on the coast, where we used to go + now and then for a day's fun. It was called—let me get it + right—it was called Tormo Tonitui—and there were + pleasure-gardens there and the most fascinating girls." His + eyes took on a far-away wistfulness.</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes?" I said.</p> + + <p>"Fascinating brown girls," he said, "who played that + banjo-mandolin thing they all play, and sang mournful luxurious + songs, and danced under the lanterns at night. And the bathing! + There's no bathing here at all. There you can stay in the sea + air day if you like. It's like bathing in champagne. Sun and + surf and sands—there's nothing like it." He sighed + rapturously.</p> + + <p>"Well, I can't help saying again," I interrupted, "that it's + a most extraordinary thing that, after knowing you all these + years, you have never told me a word about Honolulu or the + South Seas or this wonderful pleasure-garden place + called—what was the name of it?"</p> + + <p>He hesitated for a moment. "Morto Notitui," he then + replied.</p> + + <p>"I don't think that's how you had it before," I said; + "surely it was Tormo Tonitui?"</p> + + <p>"Perhaps it was," he said. "I forget. Those Hawaiian names + are very much alike and all rather confusing. But you really + ought to go out there. Why don't you cut everything for a year + and get some sunshine into your system? You're fossilising + here. We all are. Let's be gamblers and chance it."</p> + + <p>"I wish I could," I said. "Tell me some more about your life + there."</p> + + <p>"It was wonderful," he went on—wonderful. I'm not + surprised that STEVENSON found it a paradise."</p> + + <p>"By the way," I asked, "did you hear anything of + STEVENSON?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, lots. I met several men who had known + him—Tusitala he was called there, you know—and + several natives. There was one extraordinary old fellow who had + helped him make the road up the mountain. He and I had some + great evenings together, yarning and drinking copra."</p> + + <p>"Did he tell you anything particularly personal about + STEVENSON?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Nothing that I remember," he said; "but he was a fine old + fellow and as thirsty as they make 'em."</p> + + <p>"What is copra like?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Great," he said. "Like—what shall I say?—well, + like Audit ale and Veuve Clicquot mixed. But it got to your + head. You had to be careful. I remember one night after a day's + bathing at—at Tromo Titonui—"</p> + + <p>"Where was that?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh, that little village I was telling you about," he said. + "I remember one night—"</p> + + <p>"Look here," I said, "you began by calling it Tormo Tonitui, + then you called it Morto Notitui and now it's Tromo Titonui. + I'm going to say again, quite seriously, that I don't believe + you ever were in Hawaii at all."</p> + + <p>"Of course I wasn't," he replied. "But what is one to do in + a railway carriage, with nothing to read, and a drenched world + and those two words staring one in the face?" and he pointed to + a placard above my head advertising a firm which provided the + best and cheapest Motor Tuition.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Demobilised.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Daddy's got his civvies on:</p> + + <p class="i2">In his room upstairs</p> + + <p>You should have heard him stamping round,</p> + + <p class="i2">Throwing down the chairs;</p> + + <p>When I went to peep at him</p> + + <p class="i2">Daddy banged his door....</p> + + <p>Well, I think I'll hide from Daddy</p> + + <p class="i2">Till the next Great War!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" + id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/111.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Exhausted Shopman</i>. "WELL, SIR, YOU'VE HAD ON + EVERY HAT IN THE PLACE. I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO + SUGGEST."</p> + + <p><i>Fastidious Warrior</i> (<i>hopelessly</i>). "NO, I + SEE NOTHING FOR IT BUT TO REMAIN IN THE ARMY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>MR. ARNOLD BENNETT'S new novel, <i>The Roll Call</i> + (HUTCHINSON), is a continuation of the <i>Clayhanger</i> series + to the extent that its hero, <i>George Cannon</i>, is the + stepson of <i>Edwin</i>, who himself makes a perfunctory + appearance at the close of the tale. The scene is, however, now + London, where we watch <i>George</i> winning fame and fortune, + quite in the masterful Five-Towns manner, as an architect. The + change is, I think, beneficial. That quality of unstalable + astonishment, native to Mr. BENNETT's folk, accords better with + the complexities of the wonderful city than to places where it + had at times only indifferent matter upon which to work. But it + is noticeable that Mr. BENNETT can communicate this surprise + not only to his characters but to his readers. There is an + enthusiasm, real or apparent, in his art which, like the beam + celestial, "evermore makes all things new," so that when he + tells us, as here, that there are studios in Chelsea or that + the lamps in the Queen's Hall have red shades, these facts + acquire the thrill of sudden and almost startling discovery. I + suppose this to be one reason for the pleasure that I always + have in his books; another is certainly the intense, even + passionate sympathy that he lavishes upon the central + character. In the present example the affairs of <i>George + Cannon</i> are shown developing largely under the stimulus of + four women, of whom the least seen is certainly the most + interesting, while <i>Lois</i>, the masterful young female whom + <i>George</i> marries, promises as a personality more than she + fulfils. We conduct <i>George's</i> fortunes as far as the + crisis produced in them by the War, and leave him contemplating + a changed life as a subaltern in the R.F.A. It is therefore + permissible to hope that in a year or two we may expect the + story of his reconstruction. I shall read it with delight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Iron Times with the Guards</i> (MURRAY), by an O.E., is + emphatically one of the books which one won't turn out from + one's war-book shelf. It fills in blanks which appear in more + ambitious and more orderly narratives. This particular old + Etonian, entering the new Army by way of the Territorials in + the first days of the War, was transferred, in the March of + 1915, to the Coldstreams and was in the fighting line in April + of the same year. A way they had in the Army of those great + days. Details of the routine of training, reported + barrack-square jests and dug-out conversations, vignettes of + trench and field, disquisitions on many strictly relevant and + less relevant topics, reflections of that fine pride in the + regiment which marks the best of soldiers, an occasional more + ambitious survey of a battle or a campaign—all this from + a ready but not pretentious pen, guided by a sound intelligence + and some power of observation, makes an admirable commentary. + Our author's narrative carries us to those days of the great + hopes of the Spring of 1917, hopes so tragically deferred. + Perhaps the best thing in an interesting sheaf is the + description of the attack of the Guards Division—as it + had become—on the Transloy-Lesboeufs-Ginchy road, with + its glory and its carnage.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is to be feared that <i>Battle Days</i> (BLACKWOOD), a + new <span class="pagenum"><a name="page112" + id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span> work by Mr. ARTHUR + FETTERLESS, author of <i>Gog</i>, will lose a good many + readers as the result of the armistice. There are battle + stories and battle books that are not stories that will live + far into the piping times of peace because they are human + documents or have the stamp of genius. These attractions are + not present in <i>Battle Days</i>, which in truth is rather + a prosy affair, though ambitious withal. It is not fiction + in the ordinary sense. Mr. FETTERLESS essays to conduct the + reader through every phase of a big "Push." Pushes were + complicated affairs, and the author does not spare us many + of the complications. And unless the reader happens to be an + ardent militarist he is apt to push off into slumberland. + Cadets should be made to read this book as a matter of + instruction; for, though it lacks the subtle humour that + endeared <i>Duffer's Drift</i> to us, it provides a striking + analysis of modern trench warfare.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Curtain of Steel</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is the + fourth book which the author of <i>In the Northern Mists</i> + has given us during the War, and in essentials it is the most + valuable of the quartette. For here we have real history, + served, it is true, with some trimmings, but none the less a + true record of the doings of our Grand Fleet since the day when + the "curtain" was lowered. "Nothing," our author says, + "nauseates a naval man so much as the attempt to represent him + as a hero or to theatricalise him and his profession." It + behoves me then to choose my words with the utmost + circumspection, and I beg him to forgive my audacity when I say + that, if I were Book-Controller, a copy of <i>The Curtain of + Steel</i> would be in (and out of) the library of every school + in the Empire. I find courage to make this statement because I + see that he does not deny that a part of our "disease of + ignorance" concerning the Senior Service is due to the modesty + of Naval men. If he will please go on correcting that + ignorance, and in the same inspiring style, I wish an even + greater access of power to his elbow.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I am allowed the reputation of a tolerable guide in writing + and style, and I can certainly help you to produce clear + English." These words, written in 1881, are to be found in a + letter of GEORGE MEREDITH to his eldest son. They show how + wildly mistaken even the best of us may be with regard to our + own qualities and gifts; for if there is one thing that + MEREDITH could not produce, that thing is clear English. Mr. + S.M. ELLIS agrees with me in this particular point, and has + written <i>George Meredith: His Life and Friends in Relation to + his Work</i> (GRANT RICHARDS) to prove that this is so. The + book is a curious compound. At one moment Mr. ELLIS sets out in + detail the Meredithian genealogy, and shows that MEREDITH was + the son and grandson of tailors and did not relish the + relationship; at another moment he describes MEREDITH'S + delightful and exuberantly youthful characteristics as a + friend; and again he shows how badly MEREDITH behaved in regard + to his first wife (though she was much more in fault), and also + in regard to his first son, Arthur. Still the book is extremely + interesting and, though it does not profess to deal in + elaborate criticism, it contains some very shrewd comments on + MEREDITH'S work and the reasons that made his novels so many + sealed books to the British public. Here and there Mr. ELLIS + allows himself almost to write a passage or two in the style of + the master. This is one of them: "As he [Maurice Fitzgerald] + was the gourmetic instrument that brought Mrs. Ockenden's art + to perfect expression, he appropriately attained + immortalisation jointly with her at the hands of the friend who + had shared with him the joys of that good woman's superlative + cookery in Seaford days."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE PAY-TABLE.</h3> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/112.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/112.png" + alt="" /></a> + <table summary="Pay Table" align="center" width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="45%">"JOHN SMITH, A.B., THREE POUNDS TEN—</td> + <td width="10%"></td> + <td width="45%">IN DEBT."</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, half-governess for boy aged nine, girl aged + six; wages £30 per year."—<i>Morning + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A half-governess is, we suppose, the feminine equivalent of + two quartermasters.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lady Nurse, nursery college trained, wanted, under 34; + very experienced babies."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Perhaps they will know too much for her.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will gentleman, navy mackintosh, who spoke to lady, + blue hat, vicinity Park Station, Tuesday, 6 o'clock, speak + again same time?"—<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The gentleman will doubtless beg a ride on Mr. H.G. WELLS'S + "Time Machine" in order to get back in time for the + appointment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE. K.O.B., has been appointed + Permanent Secretary to the Ministry of Food.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To skimp its daily bread for beer</p> + + <p class="i2">Was not this nation's mood;</p> + + <p>But now with lightened hearts we hear</p> + + <p class="i2">That BEVERIDGE turns to Food.</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, FEB. 5, 1919***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11868-h.txt or 11868-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/8/6/11868">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/8/6/11868</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 5, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 2, 2004 [eBook #11868] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, FEB. 5, 1919*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11868-h.htm or 11868-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/6/11868/11868-h/11868-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/8/6/11868/11868-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156 + +FEBRUARY 5, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Germans refer to the Armistice negotiations as +_Waffenstillstandeverhandlungen_. We hope it will be worse even than +they think. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that among the many new performances +of _Hamlet_ which are promised there will be one in aid of the fund +for brightening the lives of the clergy, with the Gloomy Dean as the +Gloomy Dane. + + *** + +"We Americans do not consider ourselves the salt of the earth," says +Senator HENRY. No, but their bacon certainly is. + + *** + +In view of the fact that there is a large quantity of marmalade +in the country, it has been decided to release it. This is such a +satisfactory solution of the problem that people are wondering whether +the Food Ministry thought of that one themselves. + + *** + +Our heart goes out to the soldier who, when offered, on +demobilisation, the option of fifty-two shillings and sixpence or a +standard suit, replied that he would rather pay the fine. + + *** + +The only surprising thing about Mr. C.B. COCHRAN'S proposal for a +Peace Fair in Hyde Park, to be arranged largely by himself, is that +there is no mention of a Serpentine dance for DELYSIA. + + *** + +The Australian Government proposes to send returned Australian +soldiers to prospect for minerals in the Northern Territories. Whether +they will be interested in them after their experience in England in +failing to locate quarts is another matter. + + *** + +Sir EDWARD ELGAR has dedicated his new orchestral work, "Polonia," to +M. PADEREWSKI. The report that the distinguished pianist-politician is +thinking of retorting with a fugue, "Stiltonia," is not confirmed. + + *** + +The Aircraft Salvage branch announces that not less than one thousand +five hundred yards of the aeroplane linen which is being disposed +of to the public will be sold to one purchaser. In the event of the +purchaser deciding to use it as a pocket-handkerchief he can have it +hemstitched for a trifling sum. + + *** + +Improvement is reported in the condition of the taxi-cab driver who +had a seizure in Piccadilly Circus while attempting to say "Thank you" +to a fare. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to announce that the Kensington man who last +week managed to board a tube train has consented to write a book about +it. + + *** + +Writing to a contemporary a Leeds correspondent says that he does not +think much of an inactive corporation. As a matter of fact, since the +introduction of rationing we didn't think active ones were being worn. + + *** + +As a result of munition work, says a health journal, quite a number of +men have given up smoking tobacco. We suppose the theory is that they +have now taken to smoking threepenny cigars. + + *** + +Mrs. MAGGIE HATHWAY of Montana is to be congratulated upon running a +six-hundred-acre farm without the help of men's labour. After all we +men must admit that her sporting effort is a distinct score for the +second oldest sex in the world. + + *** + +Anglesea Police Commission are offering one shilling and sixpence a +dozen for rats' tails to residents of the county. Some difficulty is +expected in distinguishing local from imported tails once they are +separated from the rat. + + *** + +In connection with the offers for Drury Lane Theatre it appears that +one of the would-be purchasers declares that he was more syndicate +than sinning. + + *** + +In connection with the epidemic of burglaries in London, _The Daily +Express_ has now published a leader note saying there have been too +many of late. It is hoped that this will have the desired effect. + + *** + +We are glad to report that the gentleman who, at the BURNS festival, +upon being asked if he would take a little haggis replied that he +wouldn't mind trying a wing, managed to escape with his life. + + *** + +A West Hampstead architect has designed a cottage in which there will +be no bricks in the walls, no timber in the roof, no slates or tiles +and no register grates. Too late. Jerry-builders accomplished that +trick years ago. + + *** + +While walking in Highams Park, Chingford, says a contemporary, a +postman picked up a package containing one ounce of butter. To his +eternal credit let it be said that he at once took it to the nearest +police station. + + *** + +The best brains of the country are still exercised by the alleged need +of brightening cricket. One of our own suggestions is that the bowler +should be compelled to do three Jazz-steps and two Fox-trots before +delivering the ball. + + *** + +A typist recently fell from a moving train on the Isle of Wight +railway, but was able to get up and walk towards her destination. +We hear she had a good deal to say to the guard when she overtook +the train. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEPARTURE FROM DOWNING STREET 10 A.M. + +ARRIVAL AT THE QUAI D'ORSAY 10.5 A.M. + +THE NEW AERO-GUN SERVICE BETWEEN LONDON AND PARIS. + +SOLUTION OF THE PROBLEM OF HOW MR. LLOYD GEORGE CAN BE IN BOTH PLACES +MORE OR LESS AT ONCE.] + + * * * * * + +From a _feuilleton_:-- + + "He had a cleft in his chain which Rosemarie thought most + attractive."--_Evening News_. + +There is no accounting for tastes. _We_ should have thought it +suggested the Missing Link. + + * * * * * + +EVICTED. + +(_A COMMON SCANDAL, INVITING THE ATTENTION OF THE GOVERNMENT._) + +I was amazed the other day to hear that my landlord had called to +see me. Hitherto our intercourse had been by letter and we had had +heated differences on the subject of repairs. His standpoint seemed +to be that landlords were responsible for repairs only to lightning +conductors and weathercocks. My house possesses neither of these +desirable adjuncts. + +I moved an armchair so that no one sitting in it could fail to see the +dampest wall and ordered him to be shown in. + +He was a most benevolent-looking old gentleman, and I felt I had done +him an injustice in regarding him as a property shark. + +"Glad to see you," he said, shaking me warmly by the hand. + +"Do sit down," I said. "That chair is the most comfortable. Don't be +afraid. At that distance from the wall the damp won't affect you." + +"So glad to see how comfortable you are here," said the benevolent +one. + +"If we could occasionally have a hot bath we should be more +comfortable, but the kitchen range is impossible." + +"What you need, my friend, is a house of your own so that you can +adapt it to your own ideas. How would you like this house?" + +My breath was taken away. Had the kindly one come to present me with a +house? Was I to be the object of an amiable plutocrat's benevolence? + +"I should like it very much," I said. + +"You shall have it," he said, slapping me amiably on the knee. + +I gasped for breath. In my time I had had boxes of cigars given me, +but never houses. + +"For fifteen hundred pounds, as you are the tenant," continued the +benevolent one. + +I gasped for breath again. + +"But you bought it for five hundred and fifty pounds just before the +War," I said when I had recovered. + +"Ah, before the War," chuckled the philanthropist. + +"I don't think I can afford fifteen hundred pounds." + +The benevolent one looked disappointed in me. "Dear me," he said, +"and I wanted so much to sell it to you. Well, I shall have to give +you notice to quit in June. This house must be sold." + +"But I can't get another house." + +"You can have this house. But surely you have some friend who will +advance you fifteen hundred pounds?" + +"You don't know my friends. It would be very awkward to be turned +into the street." + +"You should have a house of your own and be independent. Every man +should own his home. Now can't you think of some friend who could +assist you?" + +"Could you lend me fifteen hundred pounds for a rather speculative +investment?" I inquired. + +"Since my kindly consideration for a tenant is treated with mockery I +give you written notice to leave. A 'For Sale' board will be placed +in your garden. A clause in the lease authorises me to do that. I wish +you good morning." + +Well, I am to be evicted, and, as I'm not an Irishman, no one will +care. I shall not lie in wait with a shot-gun for my landlord. But +there is no clause in the lease forbidding me from putting up my sale +announcement beside the landlord's. It will run:-- + + _FOR SALE_ + THIS UNDESIRABLE PROPERTY + COST L550 IN 1913. + Never been repaired since. + Damp guaranteed to come through every wall. + Mice can run under the doors but there is + not sufficient space for cats to follow them. + The Kitchen Range is unusable. + All hope of baths abandon ye who enter here. + One half of the windows won't + open--the others won't shut. + All chimneys smoke in all winds. + A unique chance for the War-rich. + + * * * * * + +THE PUFF ERRATIC. + +_The New Statesman_ contains a letter from Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT, +disclaiming all responsibility for the publisher's official +description of his new novel printed on the "jacket" or paper cover +thereof. It had not been submitted to him for approval and he knew +nothing of it. Mr. BENNETT is, of course, entitled to his protest, +but we greatly hope that publishers will not be induced thereby to +abstain from supplying these interesting summaries. If only the method +could be applied to standard works the results would be even more +illuminating. As for example: + +"HAMLET." + +This delicious comedy is the romance of the _Prince of Denmark_, +which, unlike other romances, begins after his marriage: with +_Polonia_, daughter of _Horatio_, who had been previously engaged to +both _Rosenstern_ and _Guildencranz_. _Hamlet_, by joining a troupe of +strolling players, offends his uncle, the reigning sovereign, and is +confined in a lunatic asylum. + +Brilliant pictures of society in Copenhagen, Denmark Hill and +Heligoland alternate with sparkling studies of the inner life of a +touring company on the Continent. + +"Can a woman love three men?" is the theme of this engrossing +extravaganza. + +"IDYLLS OF THE KING." + +In a series of exciting episodes, written in fluent heroic couplets, +the author gives us a thrilling picture of the manners and customs of +the Court of _King Arthur_, an early British sovereign, whose stately +home was situated on the Cornish Riviera. + +Owing to the compromising attentions which he pays to _Elaine_, +the Lady of Shalott, the _King_ alienates the affections of _Queen +Guinevere_ and is slain by one of his knights, _Lancelot_ by name. + +Winsome women, gallant paladins and mysterious magicians throng +these fascinating pages, which incidentally throw much light on the +theological problems discussed by the Knights of the Round Table, +among whom _Merlin_, _Vivien_ and _Enid_ are especially, prominent. + +"VANITY FAIR." + +_Major Dobbin_, a _beau sabreur_ of irresistible charm, is on the +point of eloping with _Amelia Osborne_, the wife of a brother-officer, +when the Battle of Waterloo breaks out and _Dobbin_ is slain. _Captain +Osborne_, in the mistaken impression that _Amelia_ has shared her +betrayer's fate, marries the beautiful _Becky Sharp_ and is tried +for bigamy, but is acquitted, as _Becky Sharp_ is proved to have been +already married to an Indian Nabob of the name of _Crawley_. On the +death of _Crawley_, _Becky_ marries the _Marquis of Steyne_, becomes +deeply religious and dies in the odour of sanctity. + +"Is marriage a failure?" is the problem of this kaleidoscopic drama, +which is handled with all the author's well-known soulful _verve_. + + * * * * * + +"SMITH MINOR" AGAIN. + + "_Apelles fuit carus Alexandro propter comitate._" + "Apples were dear in the days of Alexander on account + of the Committee." (? Food Controller.) + + * * * * * + + "A resolution was passed requesting the responsible local + authority to provide thirty new houses in accordance + with the Local Government Board's scheme. The houses + required were--first, those which were unfit for human + habitation."--_Sussex Paper_. + +And, to judge by some of the fantastic designs for rural cottages +published in the newspapers, those are what they will probably get. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: THE ORDER OF RELEASE. + +PIVOTAL PIG (_demobilised_). "SO LONG, LEAGUE OF RATIONS, SEE YOU +LATER."] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL DALRYMPLE. + +You would feel quite uncomfortable if you heard Dalrymple talk. He +conveys the impression that everything is badly in the way and ought +to be removed at once. That's his view. Dalrymple has no patience with +the social system. This includes everything, from the washing bill to +the House of Commons. + +Dalrymple said the General Election made him impatient. By the way, +Dalrymple is a fine upstanding personage, with just the coloured +hair the lady novelists dote on, and eyes in harmony; but despite his +handsome placid bearing Dalrymple is a fire-eater of the hungriest. + +"What you want to do is to make a clean sweep of everything," he said. +"Money is an anachronism, and in a perfectly ordered State would not +be required." + +Of course it is no more use arguing with Dalrymple than it would be +to attempt a controversy on naval affairs with Lord Nelson on his +pedestal. + +And then there is this about Dalrymple--you remember what some Court +poet said concerning Louis THE FOURTEENTH; it was to the effect that +_quand le Roi parle_--well, apparently everything and everybody else +had to put up the shutters. I forget exactly how the thing ran. It +is just so with Dalrymple. He comes into my room in the City and +warms himself, though no fire is needed to fan his enthusiasm for +destruction. The Bolsheviks are peaceable Sunday folk compared with +him. A Nihilist on a war footing would be considered Quaker-like in +his symptoms. + +Dalrymple is neck or nothing. He is a whole-hogger even to the most +indigestible bit of crackling. + +"What we want is a fresh start," he said. "Then you could begin anew +and everybody would have a chance. Burn things, blow them up, leave +nothing; then we should see something. Your whole scheme is faulty. +Your Underground--" Dalrymple has an irritating habit of fathering +things on me, which is unfair, for, as regards the Tubes, for +instance, I am sorry to say I have not even a share, and often not +as much as a strap. + +"But the Underground is only a bit overcrowded," I ventured to say. +"It can't help that, you know." + +"It is all wrong," said Dalrymple. "The entire gadget is defective. +Look at France, look at America, look at Germany and Russia and the +Jugo-Slavs." + +It was rather breathless work looking at all these nations and +peoples, but I did my best. Dalrymple is particularly strong when it +is a question of the Jugo-Slavs, and he always gave me the idea that +he spent his Saturday afternoons enunciating chatty pleasantries in +Trafalgar Square and on Tower Hill. + +But--you might just see the finish--Dalrymple was not doing anything +of the sort the afternoon that I was out house-hunting. Yes, it is +true. You will scarcely credit the fact that I found any difficulty +in tracking down an eligible villa, but that is the case. + +The quest took me to a pleasant semi-rural neighbourhood where +there was room for gardens with the borders edged with the nice soft +yellow-tinted box, and rose walks, and dainty little arbours, and +fandangled appurtenances which amateur gardeners love with perfect +justification. + +And there was Dalrymple. I won't deceive you. I recognised him on +the other side of a low oak fence. He was wearing an old hat of the +texture of the bit of headgear which the man who impersonates Napoleon +at the music-hall doubles up and plays tricks with, only Dalrymple's +hat had obviously been white and was now going green and other colours +with wear and tear. + +And wherever Dalrymple went a small cherub in a holland frock went +too. The cherub would be about five. Dalrymple was fashioning a +hen-coop out of two or three soap-boxes. Both he and the cherub ceased +activities when I hailed and approached; and I stopped to dinner. +Dalrymple told me he rather fancied he could wangle me a bungalow. + +"I know the agent chap," he said, as we sampled a very pleasant glass +of port. "Of course they want to keep it fairly dark or we should be +swamped. I have taken a lot of trouble myself, you know, and am just +starting gardening lectures at our club." + +So he went on--the house, his new roses, the hens, the jam his wife +made, the idea he had for a winter garden in the interests of his +wife's mother, who could then take the air in her Bath-chair. + +"But," I said, "you want to sweep everything away. You aim at sending +villages like this to pot--your own word, you remember. And then there +are the Jugo-Slavs--" + +Dalrymple winked and handed me the cigars. + +I fancy he is a fraud. + + * * * * * + + "AEROPLANE FLIGHT TO INDIA. + + "PREPARATIONS FOR DECEPTION IN DELHI."--_Englishman_ + (_Calcutta_). + +But the aviators, in order that there might be no doubt about their +_bona fides_, wisely landed at Karachi. + + * * * * * + +MY SERGEANT-MAJOR-DOMO. + + When WILSON has abolished War + And grim Bellona claims no more + The greatest of her sons, + What job has Peace to offer thee + That shall fulfil thy destiny, + O Sergeant-Major Buns? + + Shall thy great voice, at whose behests + Trembled a hundred martial breasts, + Be heard without a smile + Urging astonished Cingalese + To tap the tapering rubber trees + Upon their distant isle? + + Shall thy dread presence clothed in tweed + Be seen, O Buns, without the meed + Of some regretful sigh, + Fresh from the triumphs of the trench + Upon the Opposition Bench + Begging the SPEAKER'S eye? + + Nay, rather let thy mighty mind + At length its true vocation find + In the domestic sphere; + The trivial round, the common task + Shall furnish all thou needst to ask-- + There shalt thou earn thy beer. + + Yes, thou shalt play a worthy role, + Thou great unconquerable soul, + Within my humble flat; + For when thy voice shall thunder, "Where + Is master's cream?" what maid shall dare + Invoke the mystic cat? + + And what or volatile Miss Gripps? + The weekly notice on her lips + Shall wither at thy look. + And still one triumph waits for thee-- + And, oh! may I be there to see-- + When thou shalt face my cook! + + * * * * * + + "DATE FIXED FOR HANGING RETAILERS."--_Provincial Paper_. + +And some of them richly deserve it. + + * * * * * + + + "The League will reconsider traety obligations from time + to time. + + "The League will reconsider traeyt obligations from time + to time."--_Evening Paper_. + +And then the printer gave it up. + + * * * * * + + "A Handley Page, with two Rolls-Royce engines, was the + first and only machine to fly to India, and was the first + and only machine to fly to India, and is the second to fly + to India."--_Daily Paper_. + +Not the third and only, as for the moment we were tempted to believe. + + * * * * * + + "Young Educated Girl Pupil Wanted, help animals; live + clergyman's family; pocket-money."--_Newcastle Journal_. + +We are glad to hear of a really live clergyman. So many parsons +nowadays are accused of being dead-alive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION. + +_Maid_. "NO, MUM, I'M NOT GOING TO STAY IN THIS HOUSE TO BE INSULTED +BY HAVING 'SLAVEY' WRITTEN ON THE MAT."] + + * * * * * + +DAILY AND MAILY. + +Mr. Daily burst into the room, slamming the door behind him, to find +Mr. Maily seated before the fire. + +"Maily, you're not getting things done," he shouted as he walked +swiftly up and down the Turkey carpet. + +"Only buttoning my spat, Daily," said Mr. Maily. Then he too, +springing from his chair, walked rapidly to and fro. But whereas Mr. +Daily chose the route between the window and the motto, "Do something +else NOW!" Mr. Maily took the line between the fireplace and "Keep on +keeping on!" for they seldom felt compelled to stick to one direction. + +"Maily, I'm worried," exclaimed Mr. Daily in passing. "Things seem to +be easing down. Even you are not so nimble as you were. This silence +of the public troubles me--haven't been saying things about us for a +long time." + +"Some people even praise us," remarked Mr. Maily, disgust mingling +with the perspiration on his face. + +"We'll be damned if we put up with praise," Mr. Daily declared. + +"We shall. We'd give praise if they'd damn us," said Mr. Maily. + +"Never be funny, Maily, if you can help it," warned Mr. Daily. Then +he remarked wistfully, "If they'd only burn us again!" + +"Couldn't we go for the Archbishop of CANTERBURY?" asked Mr. Maily. +"To be burnt during morning service in a cathedral--" + +"No, these church-people couldn't be roused, Maily. Too much +dillydally about them. They'd never fall to it." + +Mr. Daily jabbed his thumb against a white bell-push, and a clerk +appeared. "Got enough work to do?" asked Mr. Daily. + +"And then some," said the clerk. + +"Well, get on with it," shouted Mr. Daily impatiently, and pressed a +red bell-push. + +"Plenty doing?" he asked the compositor who appeared. + +"Twice that," said the compositor. + +"Then go to it," barked Mr. Daily. Turning to behold Mr. Maily mopping +his brow, he cried, "For heaven's sake don't let anybody see you +standing still, Maily." + +"I was only thinking," said Mr. Maily. + +"Whatever for?" asked Mr. Daily. + +"Do you suppose--" + +"Suppose nothing. Know!" + +"How would it be to--to denounce beer?" asked Mr. Maily. + +"Gad, but you've still got pluck," said Mr. Daily with something like +admiration. "They'd burn us right enough. But there is such a thing as +too much pluck, Maily. Think again, if you must think." + +"No," Mr. Daily went on, "I doubt if a satisfactory burning can be +worked--it only comes by accident. Meanwhile, if the public won't +talk about us, we must boom ourselves;" and he sprinted to a yellow +bell-push to summon the editor. + +"This peace business," said Mr. Daily to him--"_Peace must be signed!_ +How's that for a new stunt? Cut out 'The Soldiers' Paper' and call +ourselves 'The Paper that gets Peace.' Get the boys together, work out +a scheme and come and show us in half-an-hour." + +"But, Daily, is there any likelihood of peace not being signed?" asked +Mr. Maily, when the editor had gone. + +"For goodness' sake, Maily, pull yourself together. Don't you +understand that one of the principles of our job is to back certs?" +said Mr. Daily. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Manager of Kinema Theatre_ (_referring to the two +turbulent members of audience who have been ejected_). "HOW DID THE +QUARREL COMMENCE?" + +_Doorkeeper_. "THEY WERE FIGHTING, SIR, ABOUT WHICH OF THEM THE GIRL +IN THE PICTURE WAS WINKING AT."] + + * * * * * + +LINES TO A LEGIONARY. + +(_MEMBERS OF THE NEW CORPS OF DOMESTIC SERVANTS ARE CALLED +LEGIONARIES_.) + + Sole hope of this my household, martial maid + Whom ordered ranks and discipline austere + Have shaped (I gather) for a braver trade, + So that respect, not all unmixed with fear, + Informs my breast as I await you here, + Your title, with its stern Caesarian touch, + Does, to be frank, alarm me very much. + + Come not, I pray you, to my casual home + (Where moulting cats usurp the best arm-chair) + With the harsh practices of Ancient Rome, + The brow severe, the you-be-careful air + Which (on the film) all legionaries wear; + My dream is just a regulated ease; + Rules, if you like, but not too stringent, please. + + Come not with rude awakenings, nor request + That I at stated hours must rise and feed; + I like my morning slumber much the best + And hate a life by drastic laws decreed + (I'm not a Persian born, nor yet a Mede); + No, but with step demure and tactful come, + And if soft music greet you, oh, be dumb! + + In careless comfort let my days be spent! + And, maiden, mutual happiness shall reign; + The crash of crockery I'll not lament + Nor (when I fain would sing) will I complain + Though you should raise the far from dulcet strain; + But with a sweet content I'll bless the day + My legionary came, and came to stay. + + * * * * * + + "LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or + expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information leading + to his recovery will be rewarded."--_Glasgow Herald_. + +It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of "Variety" +ladies in the illustrated papers. + + * * * * * + + "He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, in the + present state of the country, it was imperative that soppages + should be avoided."--_Liverpool Paper_. + +Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, unless one +wears waders, extremely difficult to follow. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED.--A suitable match for a well-connected and refined + Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral character; + monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses property. Late + wife died last week."--_Indian Paper_. + +It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely off with +the old love before you are on with the new. + + * * * * * + + "The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme are: + (1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."--_Sunday Times_ (_Johannesburg_). + +The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the earliest +opportunity of denying this totally unfounded suggestion. Mr. Punch +is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen_ (_in dairy +where she has dealt for over three years_). "AND YOU WON'T FORGET THE +CREAM AS USUAL." + +_Dairy Girl_. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY MORE CREAM, +AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."] + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE FAVOUR. + +Maisie was terribly upset when she lost her gold curb bangle (with +padlock attached) between the hospital and the canteen. The first I +knew of it was seeing a handbill offering two pounds' reward on our +front gate, with the ink still damp, when I came home to lunch. There +was a similar bill blowing down the road. My wife had some more under +her arm and she pressed them on me. "Run round to the shops," she +said; "get them put right in the middle of the windows where they'll +catch everybody's eye." + +The first shop I entered was a hosier's. Since drilling in the V.T.O. +I have acquired rather a distinguished bearing. Shopkeepers invariably +treat me with attention. The hosier hurried forward, obviously +anticipating a princely order for tweeds at war prices. I hadn't the +courage to buy nothing. I selected the nearest thing on the counter, a +futurist necktie at two-and-six-three, and, as I was leaving the shop, +turned back carelessly. "By the by, would you mind putting this bill +in your window?" I said. + +His lip curled. "This is a high-class business. We make it a rule--no +bills," he said. + +At the butcher's next door there were several customers. They all gave +way to me. I made purchases worthy of my appearance and carriage, half +an ox tail and some chitterlings. Then I proffered a handbill. The man +in blue accepted it and, before I had opened my lips, returned it to +me wrapped round the ox tail. I was too taken aback to explain. In +fact, when he held out his hand, I mechanically gave him another bill +for the chitterlings. + +At the next shop, a fancy draper's, I acted with cunning. In the +centre of the window, on a raised background of silver paper, was +displayed a wreath of orange-blossom veiled with tulle. I bought +it. The young ladies were hysterical. "May I ask permission to put +this little handbill in its place?" I said. They appealed to the +shopwalker. "In the absence of the head of the firm I cannot see my +way to accede to your request," he said. "At present he is on the +Rhine. On his demobilisation I will place the matter before him if you +will leave the bill in my hands." I left it. + +I skipped a gramophone emporium and a baby-linen shop and entered a +fishmonger's. Here I adopted tactics of absolute candour. "Look here," +I said, "I haven't come to buy anything. I don't want any fish, flesh +or red-herring, but I should be no end grateful if you would stick +this bill up for me somewhere." + +"Certainly, Sir, as many as you like," said the proprietor heartily. + +Gleefully I gave him two. One he stuck on a hook on top of a couple of +ducks, and it flopped over face downwards on their breasts. The other +he laid in the middle of the marble counter, and the next moment his +assistant came along and slapped an outsize halibut on it. + +I went into a jeweller's next and purchased a gold curb bangle (with +padlock attached). + +"You clever old thing," said Maisie; "you'd never tell one from the +other, would you? Mine's a tiny bit heavier, don't you think? I've +just found it in the soap-dish. I'll change this for a filigree +pendant. All my life I've longed for a filigree pendant" + + * * * * * + + "For 85 tons of blackberries, gathered last autumn, + Northamptonshire elementary school children were paid + L2,380, 3d. a lb."--_Daily Paper_. + +The young profiteers! + + * * * * * + + "Splendid imitation almond paste for cakes can be made + as follows: Take four ounces of breadcrumbs, one small + teaspoonful of almond essence, four ounces of soft + white sugar, and one well-eaten egg to bind the + mixture."--_Answers_. + +The difficulty is to get the egg. + + * * * * * + +_APRES LA GUERRE_. + +"_On ne sait jamais le dessous des cartes_," as the perplexing dialect +of the aborigines of this country would put it. William and I, when +we used to discuss after-the-war prospects o' nights in the old +days, were more or less resigned to a buckshee year or two of filling +shell-holes up and pulling barbed wire down. Instead of which we all +go about the country taking in each others' education. No one, we +gather, will be allowed to go home until he has taken his B.A. with +honours. And after that--But it would be better to begin at the +beginning. + +It began within ten days of the signing of the armistice, assuming +the shape of an official inquiry from Division, a five-barred document +wherein somebody with a talent for confusing himself (and a great +contempt for the Paper Controller) managed to ask every officer the +same question in five different ways. They cancelled each other out +after a little examination and left behind merely a desire to discover +whether or not each officer had a job waiting for him on his return +to civil life. William and I took the thing at a gallop, stuck down +a succinct "Yes. Yes, No, No. Yes," subscribed our signatures and +returned the documents--or so William proposed to do--"for your +information and necessary inaction." + +"They're getting deuced heavy about these jobs, aren't they?" observed +William a day or two later. "The Old Man wants to see us all at +orderly-room for a private interview--he's got to make a return +showing whether his officers have got jobs waiting for them, if not, +why not, and please indent at once to make good any deficiencies. +Hullo, what's this?" + +It happened to be William's mail for the day--one large +official-looking envelope. It turned out to be a document from his old +unit (he had entered the Army from an O.T.C.), headed, "Resettlement +and Employment of ex-Officers: Preliminary Enquiry." It was a +formidable catechism, ranging from inquiries as to whether William had +a job ready for him to a request for a signed statement from his C.O. +certifying that he was a sober, diligent and obliging lad and had +generally given every satisfaction in his present situation. In case +he hadn't a job or wanted another one there were convenient spaces in +which to confess the whole of his past--whether he had a liking for +animals or the Colonies, mechanical aptitude (if any), down to full +list of birth-marks and next-of-kin. William thrust the thing hastily +into the stove. But I observed that there was a cloud over him for the +rest of the day. + +However, we both of us satisfied the examiner at the orderly-room, +though the renewed evidence of a determined conspiracy to find work +for him left William a trifle more thoughtful than his wont. Shades +of the prison-house began to close about our growing joy, "These +'ere jobs," remarked William, "are going to take a bit of dodging, +dearie. Looks to me as though you might cop out for anything from +a tram-driver to Lord Chief. Wish people wouldn't be so infernally +obliging. And, anyway, what is this--an Army or a Labour Exchange?" + +As the days wore on the strain became more and more intense. William's +old school had contrived an association which begged to be allowed to +do anything in the world for him except leave him for a single day in +idleness. And what time the Army was not making inquiries about his +own civil intentions and abilities it was insisting on his extracting +the same information from the platoons. William grew haggard and +morose. He began looking under his bed every night for prospective +employers and took to sleeping with a loaded Webley under his pillow +for fear of being kidnapped by a registry office. He slept in +uneasy snatches, and when he did doze off was tormented by hideous +nightmares. + +In one of them he dreamt he was on leave and walking through the City. +At every doorway he had to run the gauntlet of lithe and implacable +managing directors, all ready to pounce on him, drag him within and +chain him permanently to a stool--with the complete approval of +the Army Council. In another he was appearing before a tribunal of +employers as a conscientious objector to all forms of work. + +The last straw was when the Brigadier caused it to be made known that +if any officer was particularly unsettled about his future he might be +granted a personal interview and it would be seen what could be done +for him. William sat down with the air of one who has established a +thumping bridgehead over his Rubicon and wrote to the Brigadier direct +and as follows:-- + +"SIR,--I have the honour to hope that this finds you a good deal +better than it leaves me at present. In case you should be in any +uncertainty over your prospects on return to half-pay, I shall be +happy to grant you a personal interview at my billet (Sheet 45; G 22a +3.7.) and see whether anything can be arranged to suit you. I may +add that I have a number of excellent appointments on my books, from +knife-boy to traveller to a firm of mineral water manufacturers. For +my own part my immediate future is firmly settled, thank you. For +at least three months after my discharge from the Army I have no +intention of taking up any form of work. + +"I have the honour to be, Sir, + +"YOUR OTHERWISE OBEDIENT SERVANT, ETC." + + * * * * * + +The court-martial was held last Thursday and sentence will be +promulgated any day now. Medical evidence certified William as sane +enough to understand the nature of his offence, but as the War is +over it is unlikely that he will be shot at dawn. William himself is +confident that he will be cashiered, a sentence which carries with +it automatic and permanent exclusion from all appointments under the +Crown. "That makes a tidy gap in the wire," says William hopefully. +"They won't even be able to make a postman of me. With a bit of luck +I'll dodge the unofficial jobs--I get that holiday after all, old +bean." + + * * * * * + + "HUNTING. THE DANGER OF KICKING HORSES."--_Times._ + +Generally the shoe is on the other foot. + + * * * * * + + "The Falkirk iron fitters, by an overwhelming majority, have + opposed the forty-hour week and have agreed to a forty-four + hour week."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Bravo, Falkirk! + + * * * * * + + "The announcement of the augmentation of the British beet + in the Mediterranean appeared exclusively in the 'Sunday + Express.'"--_Daily Express_. + +It doesn't seem anything to boast about. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED.--On a farm, two capable European young or + middle-aged girls."--_South African Paper_. + +There are lots of girls answering this description, but the difficulty +is that most of them are too shy to admit it. + + * * * * * + + "M. Clemenceau ... speaks English with rare perfection, + having spent years in the United States."--_Daily Paper_. + + "M. Clemenceau, speaking in excellent English, said + 'Yes.'"--_Sunday Paper_. + +What he really said, of course, was "Yep." + + * * * * * + +QUESTION AND ANSWER. + + "What _are_ you, Sir?" the Counsel roared. + The timid witness said, "My Lord, + A Season-ticket holder I + Where London's southern suburbs lie." + "Tut, tut," his Lordship made demur, + "He meant what is your business, Sir." + The witness sighed and shook his head, + "I get no time for that," he said. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SERVICE EVOLUTION. BUD. BLOSSOM. FRUIT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Guest_ (_who has cut the cloth_). "BILLIARDS REQUIRE +CONSTANT PRACTICE."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CRISIS. + +(_BY A FUTILITY RABBIT KEEPER_.) + + There is a rabbit in the pansy bed, + There is a burrow underneath the wall, + There is a rabbit everywhere you tread, + To-day I heard a rabbit in the hall, + The same that sits at evening in my shoes + And sings his usefulness, or simply chews; + There is no corner sacred to the Muse-- + And how shall man demobilise them all? + + Far back, when England was devoid of food, + Men bade me breed the coney and I bought + Timber and wire-entanglements and hewed + Fair roomy palaces of pine-wood wrought, + Wherein our first-bought sedulously gnawed + And every night escaped and ran abroad; + Yet she was lovely and we named her Maud, + And if she ate the primulas, 'twas nought. + + The months rolled onward and she multiplied, + And all her progeny resembled her; + They ate the daffodils; they seldom died; + And no one thought of them as provender; + The children fed them weekly for a treat, + And my wife said, "The _little_ things--how sweet! + If you imagine I can ever eat + A rabbit called Persephone, you err." + + Yet famine might have hardened that proud breast, + Only that victory removed the threat; + And now, if e'er I venture to suggest + That it is time that some of them were ate, + That Maud is pivotal and costing pounds, + And how the garden is a mass of mounds, + She answers me, on military grounds, + "Peace is not come. We cannot eat them yet." + + So I shall steal to yon allotment space + With a large bag of rabbits, and unseen + Demobilise them, and in that fair place + They all shall browse on cauliflower and bean; + There Smith will come on Saturday, and think + That it is shell-shock or disease or drink; + But Maud shall dwell for ever there and sink + A world of burrows in Laburnum Green. A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +SECRETS OF THE PEACE CONFERENCE. + + "The proceedings yesterday afternoon began punctually at three + o'clock. Lord Robert Cecil sat with the British delegates. M. + Leon Bourgeois sat among the French delegates."--_Manchester + Guardian_. + +And not, as might have been thought, _vice versa_. + + * * * * * + + "A thoroughly capable and energetic man wanted, who will look + after a family concern: Must understand management of 25 acre + farm with 10 cows, about four acres may have to be broken up. + Must be an experienced brewer, capable of mashing 10 times + a week, and taking entire charge of brewing operations with + assistance of unskilled labour. Must be conversant with + licensing laws and requirements, also present restrictions + as applying to brewing; thoroughly understand and superintend + wines and spirits department, direct repairs, capable buyer, + general manager, organiser and foreman. Must be thorough + accountant, capable of directing office and branch work, + conversant with income-tax and excess profits duty practice. + Able to drive, or willing to learn a 4-ton Commer lorry, + must be motor-cyclist to visit branches, and manage + public-houses. Absolutely essential to understand and + drive oil engines.--Further particulars apply ---- and + Sons."--_Daily Paper_. + +What we chiefly miss is any information as to how the man is to fill +up his spare time. + + * * * * * + + "ITALIAN SPELLING. + + "There are to be streets in Athens named after President Wilson + and after Mr. Lloyd George. In the 'Patris,' an Athens paper, + we read that 'Wilson' is spelt 'Ouilson,' whilst 'George' is + Tzortz,' 'Bonar Law' is 'Mponar Lo.'"--_Birmingham Mail_. + +We bow to our contemporary's erudition, but we confess it all looks +Greek to us. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROGRESSIVE WEIGHT-LIFTER.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Betty_. "MUMMY, DOES GOD SEND US OUR FOOD?" + +_Mother_. "YES, DEAR; OF COURSE HE DOES." + +_Betty_. "BUT WHAT A PRICE!"] + + * * * * * + +ALL THE TALENTS. + +Now that hostilities are at an end it is thought by many intelligent +young subalterns that a little variety might well be introduced into +Army routine. + +For instance, at a General's Inspection why should not Officers' +duties be allotted after this fashion?-- + +The Commanding Officer will bind up the Second-in-Command with a +length of red tape, showing that no escape is possible from this +form of entanglement. + +The Adjutant will give an exhibition of paper manipulation, using +various Army Forms for this purpose. + +The Assistant-Adjutant will demonstrate how a morning's work may be +made of the changing of a pen-nib, while still creating an impression +of devoted industry. + +The Messing Officer will fry a fillet of sole by means of haybox +cookery, and during the process will publicly skin a ration rabbit +in such a way that not the slightest depreciation is caused in the +value of 21/2d. attached to a rabbit-skin. + +The Officer i/e Demobilisation will demobilise you while you wait +(provided you can wait long enough). + +The Quartermaster will make a model of Hampton Court Maze, +illustrative of the intricacies of his department, taking care that +his model appropriately differs from the original in having no means +of exit. + +The Medical Officer will demonstrate how the huge national +accumulation of No. 9 pills may be adapted to civilian purposes by +using the pill _(a)_ as a fertiliser for the Officers' tennis lawn, +and _(b)_ as a destroyer of the superfluous grass bordering thereon. + +Company Commanders will collaborate in a display of standing on +their own feet without the assistance of their respective Company +Sergeant-Majors. (N.B.--Absolute silence is requested during this +very delicate performance.) + +The Junior Subaltern will give an exhibition of stunt saluting. + + * * * * * + +TO MY DRESS SUIT. + + Old friend, well met! I've longed for this reunion; + You've been the lodestar of this storm-tossed ship + In those long hours which poets call Communion + With one's own Soul, and common folk the Pip. + + The foe might rage, the Brigadier might bluster. + Was I down-hearted? No! My spirit soared + And dreamt of you and me with blended lustre + Gracing some well-spread and convivial board. + + And what if now you fit askew where erstwhile + Fair lines bewrayed a figure not too svelte? + What if your shoulder-seams are like to burst, while + A sad hiatus shows beneath the belt? + + As April fills the buds to shapely beauty, + As cooks fill Robert with plum-cake and tea, + So, it may be, a diet rich and fruity + May fill the gap that sunders you from me. + + And if it fail, as I'm a, living sinner + I'll save you from the gaze of scornful eyes. + They say that Bolsheviks don't dress for dinner; + I'll off to Petrograd and Bolshevize. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Mayor_. "THE CONTENTS OF THE PURSE WILL IN TIME +INEVITABLY DISAPPEAR; BUT (_laying his hand on the clock_) HERE IS +SOMETHING WHICH WILL NEVER GO."] + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR PROPORTION. + + [Its contemporaries having told us all about Mr. Lloyd + George's hat and how President Wilson ate a banana, _The + Daily Express_ recently went one better with the headline, + "Mr. Balfour joins a Tennis Club," as the subheading of its + "Peace Conference Notes."] + + Has it always been this way, I wonder, + Did editors always display + The same disposition to blunder + O'er the weight of the news of the day? + When simpler was war and directer, + Was Athens accustomed to see + In the sheets of its _Argus_ how Hector + Had bloaters for tea? + + If so--or indeed if it's not so-- + One cannot but gently deplore + That the custom of chronicling rot so + Has not been expunged by the War. + When the world with its horrors still stunned is + And waits for vast hopes to come true, + What boots it if delegates' undies + Are scarlet or blue? + + All facts of those delegates' labours + I'm ready to read with a zest, + And they must, like myself and my neighbours, + I know, have their moments of rest; + I do not begrudge them their pleasures, + But frankly I don't care a rap + If the sport that engages their leisure's + "Up, Jenkins" or "Snap." + + Since the founts of its wisdom present us + Each morning with gems of this kind, + Such matters must strike as momentous + The news-editorial mind; + 'Tis time this delusion was done with, + High time that some voice made it clear + We don't want those fountains to run with + Such very small beer. + + * * * * * + + "A married man, aged 34 years, collided with the mail train + when riding a motorcycle into Hawera on Friday. His right + arm, collarbone, and blue hospital uniforms on Thursday + morning."--_New Zealand Herald_. + +We rather like this telescopic style of reporting. It leaves something +to the reader's imagination. + + * * * * * + + "To Parents and Pawnbrokers.--Anyone assisting to remove the + Charity Boots, marked B., from the Children's Feet, which + are the property of Mr. J. B---- and his Supporters, WILL BE + PROSECUTED."--_Irish Paper_. + +A distressful country, indeed, where the children do not own their own +feet. + + * * * * * + +WINCHESTER'S OPPORTUNITY. + +War legislation has pressed hard on many callings, and on none more +than that of the architect. But the embargo has been lifted; the +ancient art is coming to its own again, and it is of happy omen +that the new President of the Royal Academy has been chosen from the +architects. In this context we welcome the stimulating article in a +recent issue of _The Times_ _a propos_ of the Winchester War Memorial. +"Are we never," asks the writer, "to take risks in our architecture?" +and his answer, briefly summed up, is "Perish the thought. _De +l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace._" It is, of +course, a pity that the Winchester War Memorial scheme has not met +with the unanimous approval of Wykehamists. Possibly they have reason, +for while adding a new cloister, a new gateway and a new hall to +the existing school buildings, it involves the pulling down of the +Quingentenary Memorial Building, erected some twenty years ago, and +of some old houses in Kingsgate Street. Some consider such a drastic +destruction to be unfortunate, but, says _The Times_, it is "necessary +if any scheme worthy of the occasion is to be carried out." Moreover +it is proposed to re-erect the Quingentenary Memorial on a new site, +"where it will certainly look as well as ever." + +The greatest event in our history, as the writer finely observes, +cannot be worthily commemorated by any timid compromise. Winchester +has set a splendid example, but it is perhaps too much to expect +that it will be followed by London, owing to the inevitable clash of +conflicting interests in our unwieldy metropolis. The erection of +a new Pantheon on the site of St. Paul's and the removal of WREN'S +massive but _demode_ structure to Hampstead Heath, where it would +certainly look as well as ever, is, we fear, however much _The Times_ +may desire it, beyond the range of practical politics. But example is +infectious, and if only the Winchester authorities would expand their +scheme and carry it out with Dantonesque audacity to its full logical +conclusion, other towns and cities might ultimately fall into line. + +Winchester Cathedral, as we need hardly remind our readers, has only +been rescued from subsidence and collapse at an immense cost by a +lavish use of the resources of modern engineering. The building itself +is not without merits, but its site is inconspicuous and the swampy +nature of the soil is a constant menace to its durability. The scheme +which we venture with all humility to suggest is that it should be +removed and re-erected, in the same spirit though in the architectural +language of our own day, on the summit of St. Catherine's Hill, +where it would look better than ever, and be connected by a scenic +neo-Gothic railway with Meads. This would not only add to the +amenities of the landscape, but enable the present cathedral site to +be utilized for a purpose more in consonance with the needs of the +age. We do not presume to dictate, but may point out that if the +deanery and the canons' houses were pulled down and re-erected on the +golf-links, where they would look better than ever, space would be +available for a majestic aerodrome, or, better still, an experimental +water-stadium for submarines, in memory of KING ALFRED, the founder of +our Fleet. + +Into the question of details, design and cost it is not for us to +enter. We confine ourselves to appealing with all the force at our +command to Winchester, fortunate, as _The Times_ reminds us, in the +choice of an architect of genius and ingenuity, to persevere, to +rise to the occasion, to cast compromise to the winds and above all +to remember that the greatest compliment which can be paid to the +architects of the past is to remove their buildings to sites where +they look better than ever and do not suffer from the immediate +neighbourhood of the masterpieces of their successors. Architecture +has been defined as "frozen music." But on great occasions such as +this it needs to be taken out of its cold-storage and judiciously +thawed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SOFT ANSWER. + +_Navvy_ (_to person who has accidentally bumped him_). "GO TO +BLANKETY--BLANK--BLANK--BLAZES." + +_Person_. "GENTLE STRANGER, YOUR LIGHTEST WISH, EXPRESSED IN SUCH +COURTEOUS LANGUAGE, IS TO ME A COMMAND." + +(_Ambulance call_.)] + + * * * * * + + "Lost, sulky inflate."--_Glasgow Citizen_. + + * * * * * + +CIVIL EDUCATION FOR SOLDIERS. + +When the armistice was signed and the close season for Germans set in, +it occurred to the authorities that it would be a waste of labour to +continue to train some few million good men for a shooting season that +might never re-open, and the weekly programme became rather a sketchy +affair till some brain more brilliant than the rest conceived the +idea of giving a good sound education in the arts of peace to this +promising and waiting multitude. The idea was joyfully accepted, and +gradually filtered through its authorised channels, suffering some +office change or other at each stage till it finally reached one of +our ancient seats of learning. It arrived rather like the peremptory +order of a newly-gazetted and bewildered subaltern, who, having got +his platoon hopelessly tied up, falls back on the time-honoured and +usually infallible "Carry on, Sergeant." + +There were some six-hundred white-hatted cadets stationed at this +spot, all thirsting (presumably) for information on gas, and Mills +bombs, and studs on the cocking-piece, and forming fours, and vertical +intervals and District Courts-martial; and when the order came to +"carry on" with education it caused something like a panic. A council +of war nearly caused Head-quarters to cancel a battalion parade, but +they pulled themselves together and held the drill, and the appointed +Jack as "Battalion Education Officer," and empowered him to draft a +scheme of work. + +When produced it consisted of fourteen paragraphs, each of which +finished up with the sentence, "This is obviously a problem for the +Company Commander." Jack had nothing to learn as to the duties of a +battalion specialist and realised that his responsibility lay simply +in providing Company Commanders, and then finding problems for them +to solve. As the Company Commanders were already in being his work +was simplified. + +However, the Company Commanders, being men of merit, cheerfully +accepted the situation and approached their victims. "We are going to +teach you," they said. "What would you like to be taught?" + +"Well," said the victims, "what have you got?" + +"Oh, anything you like," said the Company Commanders. "Just you choose +your subject and we'll do the rest." + +Now that was very generous, but rather rash. For the victims took them +at their word, and so by the time the perspiring Platoon Commanders +had produced their returns (in triplicate) it was found that there +were forty-three subjects to be provided for, including seven +languages, six branches of science, four kinds of engineering, +six commercial subjects and various sundries, such as metaphysics, +wool-classing and coker-nut planting. + +The way the Company Commanders dealt with this problem was quite +simple and ingenious. They sent for all junior officers and asked +what they were prepared to teach. The result seemed really rather +good. Tom said he would take French, having spent three months in +Northern France before they sent him to Salonika. Dick's father +has an allotment and Dick himself occasionally hunts, so he chose +Agriculture, Oswald chose Mathematics, on the strength of having been +a Quartermaster-Sergeant in the Public Schools Brigade in September, +1914. Wilfred once went to a gas course for ten days, so of course +his subject was Science. Arthur really does know something about +Architecture and can also enlarge a map quite nicely, so he put down +Drawing. John chose Theology. He said he once read the lessons in +church; really he thought he was safe to draw a blank. + +Once more the Company Commanders were equal to the emergency. They +looked at it in this way. French is a foreign language; Spanish is +also a foreign language. Tom offers to teach a foreign language; +therefore Tom shall teach Spanish. Corn-growing in Western Canada, +sheep-raising in Australia and coker-nut planting are all obviously +agriculture. Dick says he can teach Agriculture; so he shall. The +science of manures caused some discussion as to whether it should +be agriculture or science, but it was finally settled in favour of +science, which also included physics, electricity and crystallography. +John got four theological students, but, when he investigated, he +found that one was a Jew and one a Presbyterian minister, while the +other two, like himself, thought that no one else would have thought +of it. And these touch only the fringe of the subject. + +The indent sent in for materials was a rather formidable one, but the +article most in demand was a sheep, which was wanted at the same time +by Dick for his Agriculture and Arthur for his Drawing, and also by +Mac, who is O.C. the Butchery class. Mac wrote a polite little note +saying he must have at least one a week, and he'd like "a pig to be +going on with, if you please," promising to hand, the latter over +complete and in good order, when he'd done with it, to Jones for his +bacon-curing class, "upon receipt of signature for same." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Politically inclined Nurse_ (_exhibiting new daughter +to M.P._). "LET US 'OPE, SIR, THAT SHE MAY LIVE TO BE CALLED THE +MOTHER OF THE 'OUSE OF COMMONS."] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "120 Pairs Unbleached Calico Sheets, 2 x 23/4 yards. Sale price, + 12/11 per pair; present value, 1/- per pair."--_Yorkshire + Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Including new enlistments there are about 1,000 men + concentrated in and around Berlin."--_Manchester Guardian_. + +Let FOCH be warned. + + * * * * * + + "BAD BOYS AND THE BIRCH. + + "We are glad to observe that the Recorder has decided to adopt + stern measures with juvenile offenders who are brought before + him in future."--_Irish Times_. + +"Stern measures" is good. + + * * * * * + + "NON-STOP WAIST DRIVES, Every Wednesday Evening at 8.30. L10 + Top, and Six other Special Prizes."--_Local Paper_. + +Believed to be under the patronage of the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD PROBLEM IN PARIS. + +The cost of living in the vicinity of the Peace Conference has been +enormously exaggerated. Likewise the difficulty of reorganizing Europe +on a truly ethnic basis. By combining the two questions I have found +them immensely simplified, and I have been in Paris only three days. + +My meaning will be clearly illustrated by the record of a single day's +experience--with the representative of the Dodopeloponnesians for +_dejeuner_ and the delegate of the Pan-Deuteronomaniads for dinner. + +I made the acquaintance of the first in the lift. On the way down +it came out that I was _journaliste_ assisting at the Conference of +the Peace, whereupon the other introduced himself as secretary of +the Dodopeloponnesian delegation and eager for the pleasure of +entertaining me at _dejeuner_. + +Nothing international arose in connection with the _hors d'oeuvres_. +It was between the soup and the fish that my host inquired whether +I had yet found time to look into the just claim of the +Dodopeloponnesian people to the neighbouring island of Funicula. + +"You mean," I said, "on the ground that the island of Funicula was +brought under the Dodopeloponnesian sceptre on September 11th, 1405, +by Blagoslav the Splay-fingered, from whom it was wrested on February +3rd, 1406, by the Seljuks?" + +"Precisely," he said. "But also because the people of Funicula are +originally of Dodopeloponnesian stock." + +"Yet they speak the language of Pan-Deuteronomania," I said. + +"A debased dialect," he said, "foisted upon them by a remission of +ten per cent. in taxes for every hundred words of the lingo learned +by heart, with double votes for irregular verbs." + +The _entree_, something with eggs and jelly, was excellent. + +"Far be it from me to deny," I said, "the fact that Funicula is by +right a part of the inheritance of the Octo-syllabarians"--and I bowed +gracefully to my host, who raised his glass in return--"and I agree +in advance with every argument you put forward in favour of a restored +Sesquicentennial commonwealth by bringing together the scattered +members of the Duodecimal race from all over the world. In fact," I +added as the waiter poured out the champagne, "it seems to me that +in addition to the Island of Funicula there properly belongs, in the +realm of your Greater Anti-Vivisectoria, the adjacent promontory, +geyser and natural bridge of Pneumobronchia, from which the last +Seljuk ruler, Didyffius the Forty-fifth, leaped in front of a +machete wielded by his eldest son, who therefore became Didymus the +Forty-sixth." + +He was delighted to find so much sympathy and understanding in an +alien journalist from far across the seas. His bill, so far as a +hurried and discreet glance could reveal, was 89 francs 50 centimes, +not including the _taxe_. + +On the other hand, the _sous-secretaire_ of the Pan-Deuteronomaniad +delegation, who took me out to dinner that same night, paid 127 francs +(including theatre tickets) before he proved to my satisfaction +that the basic civilization of Funicula Island is after all +Pan-whatever-you-call-it. + +At any rate my point is made. My expenditure on food these three +days in Paris has been negligible, and there is rumour that the +Supra-Zambesian delegation is thinking of opening a hotel with running +water, h. and c., in every room. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gunner_. "DO YOU PLAY THE PIANO?" + +_Jack_. "NO, SIR." + +_Gunner_. "NOR THE 'CELLO?" + +_Jack_. "NO, SIR." + +_Gunner_. "WELL, THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR RUMOURS OF A BARBER JUST +FOLLOW THE MATTER UP."] + + * * * * * + +_DULCE DOMUM_. + + The air is full of rain and sleet, + A dingy fog obscures the street; + I watch the pane and wonder will + The sun be shining on Boar's Hill, + Rekindling on his western course + The dying splendour of the gorse + And kissing hands in joyous mood + To primroses in Bagley Wood. + I wish that when old Phoebus drops + Behind yon hedgehog-haunted copse + And high and bright the Northern Crown + Is standing over White Horse Down + I could be sitting by the fire + In that my Land of Heart's Desire-- + A fire of fir-cones and a log + And at my feet a fubsy dog + In Robinwood! In Robinwood! + I think the angels, if they could, + Would trade their harps for railway tickets + Or hang their crowns upon the thickets + And walk the highways of the world + Through eves of gold and dawns empearled, + Could they be sure the road led on + Twixt Oxford spires and Abingdon + To where above twin valleys stands + Boar's Hill, the best of promised lands; + That at the journey's end there stood + A heaven on earth like Robinwood. + + Heigho! The sleet still whips the pane + And I must turn to work again + Where the brown stout of Erin hums + Through Dublin's aromatic slums + And Sinn Fein youths with shifty faces + Hold "Parliaments" in public places + And, heaping curse on mountainous curse + In unintelligible Erse, + Harass with threats of war and arson + Base Briton and still baser CARSON. + But some day when the powers that be + Demobilise the likes of me + (Some seven years hence, as I infer, + My actual exit will occur) + Swift o'er the Irish Sea I'll fly, + Yea, though each wave be mountains high, + Nor pause till I descend to grab + Oxford's surviving taxicab. + Then "Home!" (Ah, HOME! my heart be still!) + I'll say, and, when we reach Boar's Hill, + I'll fill my lungs with heaven's own air + And pay the cabman twice his fare, + Then, looking far and looking nigh, + Bare-headed and with hand on high, + "Hear ye," I'll cry, "the vow I make, + Familiar sprites of byre and brake, + _J'y suis, j'y reste_. Let Bolshevicks + Sweep from the Volga to the Styx; + Let internecine carnage vex + The gathering hosts of Poles and Czechs, + And Jugo-Slavs and Tyrolese + Impair the swart Italian's ease-- + Me for Boar's Hill! These war-worn ears + Are deaf to cries for volunteers; + No Samuel Browne or British warm + Shall drape this svelte Apolline form + Till over Cumnor's outraged top + The actual shells begin to drop; + Till below Youlberry's stately pines + Echo the whiskered Bolshy's lines + And General TROTSKY'S baggage blocks + The snug bar-parlour of 'The Fox.'" + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +ROMANCE WHILE YOU WAIT. + +My friend and I occupied facing seats in a railway-carriage on a +tedious journey. Having nothing to read and not much to say, I gazed +through the windows at the sodden English winter landscape, while +my friend's eyes were fixed on the opposite wall of the compartment, +above my head. + +"What a country!" I exclaimed at last. "Good heavens, what a country, +to spend one's life in!" + +"Yes," he said, withdrawing his eyes from the space above my head. +"And why do we stay in it when there are such glorious paradises to go +to? Hawaii now. If you really want divine laziness--sun and warmth and +the absence of all fretful ambition--you should go to the South Seas. +You can't get it anywhere else. I remember when I was in Hawaii--" + +"Hawaii!" I interrupted. "You never told me you had been to Hawaii." + +"I don't tell everything," he replied. "But the happiest hours of +my existence were spent in a little village two or three miles +from Honolulu, on the coast, where we used to go now and then for +a day's fun. It was called--let me get it right--it was called +Tormo Tonitui--and there were pleasure-gardens there and the most +fascinating girls." His eyes took on a far-away wistfulness. + +"Yes, yes?" I said. + +"Fascinating brown girls," he said, "who played that banjo-mandolin +thing they all play, and sang mournful luxurious songs, and danced +under the lanterns at night. And the bathing! There's no bathing here +at all. There you can stay in the sea air day if you like. It's like +bathing in champagne. Sun and surf and sands--there's nothing like +it." He sighed rapturously. + +"Well, I can't help saying again," I interrupted, "that it's a most +extraordinary thing that, after knowing you all these years, you +have never told me a word about Honolulu or the South Seas or this +wonderful pleasure-garden place called--what was the name of it?" + +He hesitated for a moment. "Morto Notitui," he then replied. + +"I don't think that's how you had it before," I said; "surely it was +Tormo Tonitui?" + +"Perhaps it was," he said. "I forget. Those Hawaiian names are very +much alike and all rather confusing. But you really ought to go out +there. Why don't you cut everything for a year and get some sunshine +into your system? You're fossilising here. We all are. Let's be +gamblers and chance it." + +"I wish I could," I said. "Tell me some more about your life there." + +"It was wonderful," he went on--wonderful. I'm not surprised that +STEVENSON found it a paradise." + +"By the way," I asked, "did you hear anything of STEVENSON?" + +"Oh, yes, lots. I met several men who had known him--Tusitala he +was called there, you know--and several natives. There was one +extraordinary old fellow who had helped him make the road up the +mountain. He and I had some great evenings together, yarning and +drinking copra." + +"Did he tell you anything particularly personal about STEVENSON?" I +asked. + +"Nothing that I remember," he said; "but he was a fine old fellow and +as thirsty as they make 'em." + +"What is copra like?" I asked. + +"Great," he said. "Like--what shall I say?--well, like Audit ale and +Veuve Clicquot mixed. But it got to your head. You had to be careful. +I remember one night after a day's bathing at--at Tromo Titonui--" + +"Where was that?" I asked. + +"Oh, that little village I was telling you about," he said. "I +remember one night--" + +"Look here," I said, "you began by calling it Tormo Tonitui, then you +called it Morto Notitui and now it's Tromo Titonui. I'm going to say +again, quite seriously, that I don't believe you ever were in Hawaii +at all." + +"Of course I wasn't," he replied. "But what is one to do in a railway +carriage, with nothing to read, and a drenched world and those two +words staring one in the face?" and he pointed to a placard above my +head advertising a firm which provided the best and cheapest Motor +Tuition. + + * * * * * + +DEMOBILISED. + + Daddy's got his civvies on: + In his room upstairs + You should have heard him stamping round, + Throwing down the chairs; + When I went to peep at him + Daddy banged his door.... + Well, I think I'll hide from Daddy + Till the next Great War! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Exhausted Shopman_. "WELL, SIR, YOU'VE HAD ON EVERY +HAT IN THE PLACE. I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SUGGEST." + +_Fastidious Warrior_ (_hopelessly_). "NO, I SEE NOTHING FOR IT BUT +TO REMAIN IN THE ARMY."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +MR. ARNOLD BENNETT'S new novel, _The Roll Call_ (HUTCHINSON), is +a continuation of the _Clayhanger_ series to the extent that its +hero, _George Cannon_, is the stepson of _Edwin_, who himself makes +a perfunctory appearance at the close of the tale. The scene is, +however, now London, where we watch _George_ winning fame and fortune, +quite in the masterful Five-Towns manner, as an architect. The change +is, I think, beneficial. That quality of unstalable astonishment, +native to Mr. BENNETT's folk, accords better with the complexities +of the wonderful city than to places where it had at times only +indifferent matter upon which to work. But it is noticeable that Mr. +BENNETT can communicate this surprise not only to his characters but +to his readers. There is an enthusiasm, real or apparent, in his art +which, like the beam celestial, "evermore makes all things new," so +that when he tells us, as here, that there are studios in Chelsea +or that the lamps in the Queen's Hall have red shades, these facts +acquire the thrill of sudden and almost startling discovery. I suppose +this to be one reason for the pleasure that I always have in his +books; another is certainly the intense, even passionate sympathy +that he lavishes upon the central character. In the present example +the affairs of _George Cannon_ are shown developing largely under the +stimulus of four women, of whom the least seen is certainly the most +interesting, while _Lois_, the masterful young female whom _George_ +marries, promises as a personality more than she fulfils. We conduct +_George's_ fortunes as far as the crisis produced in them by the +War, and leave him contemplating a changed life as a subaltern in +the R.F.A. It is therefore permissible to hope that in a year or +two we may expect the story of his reconstruction. I shall read it +with delight. + + * * * * * + +_Iron Times with the Guards_ (MURRAY), by an O.E., is emphatically +one of the books which one won't turn out from one's war-book shelf. +It fills in blanks which appear in more ambitious and more orderly +narratives. This particular old Etonian, entering the new Army by way +of the Territorials in the first days of the War, was transferred, in +the March of 1915, to the Coldstreams and was in the fighting line +in April of the same year. A way they had in the Army of those great +days. Details of the routine of training, reported barrack-square +jests and dug-out conversations, vignettes of trench and field, +disquisitions on many strictly relevant and less relevant topics, +reflections of that fine pride in the regiment which marks the best +of soldiers, an occasional more ambitious survey of a battle or a +campaign--all this from a ready but not pretentious pen, guided by a +sound intelligence and some power of observation, makes an admirable +commentary. Our author's narrative carries us to those days of the +great hopes of the Spring of 1917, hopes so tragically deferred. +Perhaps the best thing in an interesting sheaf is the description +of the attack of the Guards Division--as it had become--on the +Transloy-Lesboeufs-Ginchy road, with its glory and its carnage. + + * * * * * + +It is to be feared that _Battle Days_ (BLACKWOOD), a new work by Mr. +ARTHUR FETTERLESS, author of _Gog_, will lose a good many readers as +the result of the armistice. There are battle stories and battle books +that are not stories that will live far into the piping times of peace +because they are human documents or have the stamp of genius. These +attractions are not present in _Battle Days_, which in truth is rather +a prosy affair, though ambitious withal. It is not fiction in the +ordinary sense. Mr. FETTERLESS essays to conduct the reader through +every phase of a big "Push." Pushes were complicated affairs, and the +author does not spare us many of the complications. And unless the +reader happens to be an ardent militarist he is apt to push off into +slumberland. Cadets should be made to read this book as a matter of +instruction; for, though it lacks the subtle humour that endeared +_Duffer's Drift_ to us, it provides a striking analysis of modern +trench warfare. + + * * * * * + +_The Curtain of Steel_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is the fourth book which +the author of _In the Northern Mists_ has given us during the War, and +in essentials it is the most valuable of the quartette. For here we +have real history, served, it is true, with some trimmings, but none +the less a true record of the doings of our Grand Fleet since the day +when the "curtain" was lowered. "Nothing," our author says, "nauseates +a naval man so much as the attempt to represent him as a hero or to +theatricalise him and his profession." It behoves me then to choose +my words with the utmost circumspection, and I beg him to forgive my +audacity when I say that, if I were Book-Controller, a copy of _The +Curtain of Steel_ would be in (and out of) the library of every +school in the Empire. I find courage to make this statement because I +see that he does not deny that a part of our "disease of ignorance" +concerning the Senior Service is due to the modesty of Naval men. +If he will please go on correcting that ignorance, and in the same +inspiring style, I wish an even greater access of power to his elbow. + + * * * * * + +"I am allowed the reputation of a tolerable guide in writing and +style, and I can certainly help you to produce clear English." These +words, written in 1881, are to be found in a letter of GEORGE MEREDITH +to his eldest son. They show how wildly mistaken even the best of us +may be with regard to our own qualities and gifts; for if there is one +thing that MEREDITH could not produce, that thing is clear English. +Mr. S.M. ELLIS agrees with me in this particular point, and has +written _George Meredith: His Life and Friends in Relation to his +Work_ (GRANT RICHARDS) to prove that this is so. The book is a curious +compound. At one moment Mr. ELLIS sets out in detail the Meredithian +genealogy, and shows that MEREDITH was the son and grandson of tailors +and did not relish the relationship; at another moment he describes +MEREDITH'S delightful and exuberantly youthful characteristics as a +friend; and again he shows how badly MEREDITH behaved in regard to his +first wife (though she was much more in fault), and also in regard to +his first son, Arthur. Still the book is extremely interesting and, +though it does not profess to deal in elaborate criticism, it contains +some very shrewd comments on MEREDITH'S work and the reasons that made +his novels so many sealed books to the British public. Here and there +Mr. ELLIS allows himself almost to write a passage or two in the style +of the master. This is one of them: "As he [Maurice Fitzgerald] was +the gourmetic instrument that brought Mrs. Ockenden's art to perfect +expression, he appropriately attained immortalisation jointly with her +at the hands of the friend who had shared with him the joys of that +good woman's superlative cookery in Seaford days." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PAY-TABLE. (THE END OF A PERFECT WAR.) "JOHN SMITH, +A.B., THREE POUNDS TEN--IN DEBT."] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, half-governess for boy aged nine, girl aged six; + wages L30 per year."--_Morning Post_. + +A half-governess is, we suppose, the feminine equivalent of two +quartermasters. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Nurse, nursery college trained, wanted, under 34; + very experienced babies."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Perhaps they will know too much for her. + + * * * * * + + "Will gentleman, navy mackintosh, who spoke to lady, blue + hat, vicinity Park Station, Tuesday, 6 o'clock, speak again + same time?"--_Liverpool Echo_. + +The gentleman will doubtless beg a ride on Mr. H.G. WELLS'S "Time +Machine" in order to get back in time for the appointment. + + * * * * * + + [Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE. K.O.B., has been appointed Permanent + Secretary to the Ministry of Food.] + + To skimp its daily bread for beer + Was not this nation's mood; + But now with lightened hearts we hear + That BEVERIDGE turns to Food. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, FEB. 5, 1919*** + + +******* This file should be named 11868.txt or 11868.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/8/6/11868 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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