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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11444-0.txt b/11444-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed147b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1607 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11444 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11444-h.htm or 11444-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h/11444-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +DECEMBER 12, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A "Company for Oversea Enterprises" has been formed in Hamburg. It has +no connection with the German High Sea Fleet. + + *** + +A guinea a dozen is being offered for rabbits in the Isle of Wight. +Most of them, however, are holding back for a War bonus. + + *** + +A Newcastle man who has been missing for eleven months has just turned +up at his home. He excused himself on the grounds that the tea queue +was rather a long one. + + *** + +There are reports current of an impending strike of brewery workers in +the North. Several employees have threatened to "Down Beer." + + *** + +Confirmation is still awaited of the rumour that several food ships +have recently torpedoed themselves rather than fall into the hands of +the profiteers. + + *** + +The statement that Viscount NORTHCLIFFE has refused the post of +Minister of Health is without foundation. It is no secret, however, +that he would decline the position even if he should offer it to +himself. + + *** + +Double-headed matches are impracticable, according to the Tobacco and +Matches Control Board. The sorts with detachable heads, however, will +continue to be manufactured. + + *** + +A Norfolk fisherman with twenty-six children has been fined five +shillings for neglecting seven of them. His offence is thought to have +been due to oversight. + + *** + +According to the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN there is plenty of food in +Ireland. In the best Sinn Fein circles it is thought that this +condition of things points to an attempt on the part of the Government +to bring discredit on the sacrificial devotion of the Separatists. + + *** + +So realistic has the stage become of late that in _The Boy_ at the +Adelphi, Mr. W.H. BERRY (we give the rumour for what it is worth) +sits down to a meal of wood cutlets. + + *** + +In order that no confusion may be caused among guests the Government +has been requested to have a "take over" whistle blown in the +corridors before they commandeer the next hotel. + + *** + +It seems that TROTZKY is to have no nonsense. He has even threatened +to make lynching illegal. + + *** + +The _Neue Freie Presse_ describes LENIN as the revolutionary with +kings at his feet. He also seems to have several knaves up his sleeve. + + *** + +A Brixton lady has left the sum of four hundred pounds to her dog. It +would be interesting to hear the family solicitor asking him whether +he would take it in War Bonds or bones. + + *** + +The Timber Commission reports a grave shortage of birch, and a number +of earnest ushers are asking, "What is the use of the censorship?" + + *** + +It is now declared that the high explosive found on Countess +MARKIEVICZ'S "green scouts" was not intended for destructive purposes. +Mr. DE VALERA, M.P., was merely going to eat it. + + *** + +Many grocers and publicans, it is stated, have already been combed out +of the Welsh coal mines. Efforts to comb the others out of their gold +mines are meeting with only indifferent success. + + *** + +British grit will win, declares Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON. If some of +our elderly statesmen will refrain from dropping theirs into the +machinery. + + *** + +The London Fire Brigade has been given permission to form a band. The +lack of some method of keeping the crowd amused at the more protracted +fires has often proved an embarrassment to the force. + + *** + +The big elephant at the Zoo has been destroyed, says a news item. A +maximum price for potted game is already being considered by the Food +Ministry. + + *** + +Charged with selling bacon that was bad, a firm of grocers pleaded +that the stuff had been released by the Government. At first sight it +looked as if it had merely escaped from custody. + + *** + +The man who was last week charged at a London police court with posing +as a Government official has been put back for the state of his mind +to be inquired into. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Scandalised Voice from Gallery_. "'ERE, _WOT_'S THE +PAPER CONTROLLER DOIN'?"] + + * * * * * + + "The late Mr. Merryweather, who was in his 78th year, + was responsible for great developments in fire-lighting + appliances."--_Scotsman_. + +A good scheme--light it first and fight it afterwards. + + * * * * * + + "Supposing a wolf were to attack you and your family, what + would you do?--Mr. Hedderwick. + + "I would point out that season tickets are issued by + railway companies only as an act of grace.--Sir William + Forbes."--_The Star_. + +Our contemporary heads this "Words Winged To-day." + + * * * * * + +From "A Word to the Churches," by Miss MARIE CORELLI:-- + + "'A word' of solemn warning was uttered by the Angel of + the Seven Spirits to the Church in Sardis.... + + "And this 'word' was fulfilled to the letter, for, as Herodotus + tells us, 'Sardis was taken and utterly sacked.'"--_Daily + Graphic_. + +We fancy the passage must occur in Book X., in which we also find +the famous account of the capture of Timbuctoo by the Roman Emperor +Montezuma in the fourth Punic War--or was it the fifth Crusade? + + * * * * * + +TO THE GERMAN PEOPLE. + + Each to his taste: if you prefer + The KAISER'S whip across your flanks; + If you enjoy the bloody spur + That rips your cannon-fodder's ranks; + If to his boots you still adhere, + Kissing 'em as you've always kissed 'em, + Why, who are we to interfere + With your internal Teuton system? + + If from your bonds you know quite well + You might, this moment, find release, + Changing, at will, your present hell + For Liberty's heaven of lasting peace; + If yet, for habit's sake, you choose + This reign of steel, this rule of terror, + It's not for us to push our views + And point you out your silly error. + + Herein I speak as I am taught-- + That your affairs are yours alone, + Though, for myself, I should have thought + They had a bearing on my own; + Have I no right to interpose, + Urging on you a free autonomy, + Just as your U-boats shove their nose + In my interior economy? + + I'm told we have no quarrel, none, + With you as Germans. That's absurd. + Myself, I hate all sorts of Hun, + Yet will I say one kindly word: + If, still refusing Freedom's part, + You keep the old Potsdam connection, + With all my sympathetic heart + I wish you joy of that selection. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +AN ORDER OF THE DAY. + +In my opinion the value of the stock letter has distinct limitations. +What I mean to say is that if there is in a Government office a series +of half a dozen standard epistles, one or other of which can be used +as a reply to the majority of the conundrums that daily serve to bulge +the post-bag of the "controller" or "director," the selection of the +appropriate missive should not be left purely to chance. + +Last month I wrote to the Methylated Spirit Controller:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--Referring to the recent Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to know whether I am at + liberty to use my car as a means of conveyance to a farm about ten + miles away where the rabbits are eating the young blades of wheat. + A friend has invited me to help him shoot them--the rabbits, I + mean." + +Well, that was lucid enough, wasn't it? But the reply was not so +helpful as I could have wished. It opened intelligibly with the words +"Dear Sir," but continued:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you + that the employment of a hackney motor vehicle, not licensed to + ply for hire, as a conveyance to divine service constitutes + a breach of Regulation 8 ZZ of the Defence of the Realm + Regulations." + +Not a word about the rabbits, you see. + +I was so fascinated by the unexpected results of my first effort that +I tried again, this time breaking new ground. + + "DEAR SIR," I wrote,--"Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, am I at liberty to use my car + daily to take my children to their school, which is five miles + from my residence? The only alternative form of conveyance + available is a donkey and cart, the employment of which means + that my offspring would have to start overnight." + +I received a quite polite but rather chilly answer:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you + that the class of necessary household affairs for which methylated + spirit may be employed as a motor fuel comprises the conveyance + from the nearest convenient source of supply of foodstuffs, fuel + and medical requisites, provided that they cannot be obtained + without undue delay by any means of conveyance other than a motor + car." + +My interest thoroughly stimulated by this time, I made yet one more +attempt. I wrote:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to sell my car"--which was + true--"but how, as I am now practically debarred from driving it + on the road, am I to give an intending purchaser a trial run?" + +This was evidently a shrewd thrust, which required consideration, and +I heard nothing for a fortnight, during which I disposed of the car to +the proprietor of the local garage. At last the well-known O.H.M.S. +envelope gladdened my eyes. The letter within it, apologetic but +dignified in tone, is, I fancy, the most popular in stock. It said:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to express + regret that there is no trace of the correspondence to which you + refer." + +I left it at that. + + * * * * * + +SUGAR CARDS AND WILLS. + +_TO THE MANAGER OF THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT, "PUNCH."_ + +Sir,--I am one of the executors and trustees of the will of a relation +who cannot, I fear, live for many weeks. Included in his property will +be a sugar card; and to you, Sir, I turn for advice and guidance in +the responsibilities which I am shortly to assume. + +1. Will the Government accept a sugar card (as they do War Stock) in +payment of Estate Duty? + +2. What is the correct method of valuation? Does one calculate the +market price by so many years' purchase based on one's estimate of the +duration? Or will quotations be obtainable on the Stock Exchange? + +3. My relative has left it in the discretion of his Trustees to +distribute a part of his estate for charitable purposes. Could the +Trustees, under their discretionary power, hand the card to the +Trafalgar Square authorities in reduction of the National Debt? Or +ought they first to obtain the consent of the residuary legatees? + +4. There is a tenancy for life of part of the residue. If the card is +comprised in such part, and the tenant for life became bankrupt, would +the card vest in his Trustee in Bankruptcy? If so, what becomes of +the remaindermen's rights? Perhaps the best plan would be to put on a +_distringas_ with the deceased's grocer. + +5. Have the Trustees power on their own initiative to lease the card +for a term of years? Or should the approval of the transaction by the +Court, under the Settled Estates Act, be first obtained? + +6. With whom do the Executors register the Probate, so as to perfect +their title? Lord RHONDDA, Sir A. YAPP, or the grocer? + +7. On the true construction of the Finance Acts, 1894-1916, do you +consider that a sugar card is "Free Personal Property," or "Settled +Property," or "An Estate by itself," or "Property in which the +deceased's interest was less than an absolute interest." The card is +apparently "aggregable" with something or other for the purposes of +duty. Would this be the testator's furniture? + +Yours, etc., A CONSTANT READER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [struck through: GERMAN] EAST AFRICA.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tommy_ (_in lorry_). "YOU'VE STOOD THERE +WATCHING US LONG ENOUGH. I SUPPOSE YOU FIND US INTERESTING?" + +_Second Tommy_. "NOA. A WUR JUST THINKIN' O' WHEN T' PUNCH AND JUDY +SHOW USED TO COOM TO OORR VILLAGE."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXVII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--In the little village I'm thinking of it is a sight +on no account to be missed to see the same old British Tommy shopping +by telepathy. He doesn't speak their language and they don't speak +his, and when the article required is not in the window or on the +counter to be indicated by the thumb, a deadlock would appear to be +inevitable. Our Master Thomas, however, never did realise what a +deadlock is; he goes on till he gets what he wants. So you see them in +pairs, taking up a stolid position at the counter, obstinately stating +and re-stating their demands in a composite language of which the +foreign element is almost negligible, until the merchant or his wife +gives in and produces the article required. I know one simple soldier +who managed to reconcile himself to the confirmed habit amongst the +French people of addressing each other in the French language, but +could never understand their addressing horses and dogs in such an +unintelligible tongue. "If you want a dog to come 'ere, why not say +'Come 'ere!' and 'ave done with it?" Men may learn strange lingoes to +humour their fellow-men, but how can any dog be expected to understand +"_Viens ici_"? + +Three years and some odd months have not changed this point of view; +and now for Thomas to find himself in Italy is only to discover +another lot of unfortunate people who cannot understand or make +themselves understood. A little thing like that, however, is not going +to be allowed to stand between friends; already new words and phrases +are being coined, mutually acceptable to both parties. + +The first sign I saw of our arrival in this country was a derelict +mess-tin on a country station platform; at the next station I saw +a derelict rifle; at the next a whole derelict kit, and lastly a +complete-in-all-parts derelict soldier. He was surrounded by a small +crowd of native men, women and children, anxious to show their +appreciation of his nation by assisting himself. They were doing their +utmost to ascertain his needs; they were trying him with slices of +bread, a _fiasco_ of chianti, words of intense admiration, flowers. It +was none of these things he wanted; he had only missed his train and +wanted to know what to do about it. But how were they to know that? +When a Latin misses his train he doesn't sit down stolidly and think +slowly. + +I went to his aid. From the manner in which he rose to salute me they +guessed that I was the Commander-in-Chief of all the English, and +were for giving me an ovation. Thomas explained his trouble to me in +half-a-dozen words; I solved it for him in even fewer. Thomas and I +quite understood each other, and there was no want of sympathy and +fellow-feeling between us. To the small crowd, however, this was the +extreme of brutal curtness. They now thought I was of the English +_carabinieri_, and that Thomas was being led off to his execution. +They were visibly cowed. + +But the situation is not so simple and clearly defined as it was in +the first place. In the old days either we were English and they +weren't, or they were French and we weren't. There was no _tertium +quid_. Now things are more complicated. As Thomas and I stood on the +platform, loving each other silently and unostentatiously, a cheery +musical train of _poilus_ laboured into the station. There was nothing +silent or curt about them: they were all for bread and chianti and +flowers and ovations or any other old thing the crowd cared to offer. +Anything for a jest and to pass the time of day. Between the French +troops and the Italian crowd the matter was clear enough. Next-door +neighbours, molested by the same gang of roughs in the same brutal +manner, quite understand each other and the general situation when +they climb over each other's garden fences to put the matter to +rights. It was the presence of Thomas and myself which put such an +odd complexion on the whole affair. + +Between ourselves and the crowd it was "Long live Italy!" and "Long +live England!" Between the _poilus_ and the crowd it was "Long live +Italy!" and "Long live France!" But between the _poilus_ and ourselves +there were no signs of any desire that England or France might endure +another day. And yet the crowd couldn't suppose that we didn't like +each other, for the knowing looks which passed between the hilarious +_poilu_ and slowly smiling Thomas clearly indicated some strange and +intimate relation. The crowd just didn't know what to make of it all +and what exactly was between these odd strangers, who seemed to have +everything in common but nothing to say to each other. For ourselves, +I think it made us feel homesick, and the home which Thomas and I felt +sick for (if you can believe it of us) was a certain estaminet we know +of and a cup of caffy-o-lay. It was at this moment I first realised +that, as between England and France, there are no longer such things +as foreigners; either we've become French or they've become English, +or else the two of us have combined into a new mixture which hasn't +yet got a name to it. + +I think, though one doesn't talk much out here about glorious +alliances, some deep feelings were being felt all round. Diversion was +ultimately provided by the arrival of an imposing figure in dark blue, +with a lot of gilt about him. The _poilu_ put him down as an Italian +cavalry officer, and expressed the further hope that Italy would +endure for ever. The Italian crowd took him for something English, but +not being able to judge whether he was greater or less than myself, +contented themselves with an attitude of non-committal reverence all +round. Thomas informed me that he was a French Staff Officer and +displayed no further interest. Though I cannot tell you what in the +name of goodness he was doing in those parts, he was in fact an +American Naval Officer, + +In short, Charles, alliances are things as wonderful to see as they +are magnificent to read about. I do, however, regard with something +approaching alarm the new language which will be evolved to put the +lot of us on complete speaking terms. + +Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THERE AN AIR-RAID ON?" + +"YES, I THINK SO." + +"I'M MUCH OBLIGED. MY FRIEND'S UP FROM THE COUNTRY AND HE'S NEVER SEEN +ONE."] + + * * * * * + +A LIGHT REPAST. + + "Under existing conditions, it is the duty of every citizen to + confine his present consumption to an average of six matches + a day, which with careful economy ought to suffice for all + reasonable meals during the present emergency."--_Daily Mail_. + + * * * * * + + "At Leeds Assizes yesterday sentences were passed by Mr. Justice + Boche ..."--_Times_. + +Does not this almost amount to contempt of court? + + * * * * * + +From a speech by the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN:-- + + "That would he a crying evil, to leave the poor people in the city + without milk. It would be a wise thing if the Corporation would + take the bull by the horns and deal with the matter."--_Dublin + Evening Mail_. + +It might be still wiser to tackle the cow at the udder end. + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRUPTIBLES. + + [Herr SCHÄFF, writing in the _Tägliche Rundschau_ on the spiritual + grandeur of Germany, declares that the degradation of her enemies + will not prevent her doing honour to those dauntless men who in + enemy and neutral countries have stood for truth and actualities. + "The time will come when we shall mention their names and call + them our friends. After the War we shall do homage to these men + and to their incorruptible conduct. We shall erect monumental + brasses in their honour. They are heroes, and their memories shall + be consecrated."] + + A literary spokesman of the Huns + Pays liberal homage to those "dauntless" sons + Of hostile nations, who have all along + Maintained their fellow-countrymen were wrong. + No guerdon for their courage is too great, + But, till the War is ended, they must wait; + Then shall Germania, with grateful soul, + Inscribe their names upon her golden roll; + And "monumental brasses" shall attest + The zeal wherewith they strove to foul their nest. + + Such homage no one grudges them in lands + Where eulogy for deep damnation stands; + But in the Motherland they still infest + How shall we treat this matricidal pest? + No torture, not the worst their patrons use + On starving women or on shipwrecked crews, + No pain however bitter would requite + Their transcendental infamy aright. + + Death in whatever form were all too mild + For those who at their country's anguish smiled. + Oblivion is by far the bitterest woe + England's professional revilers know, + Who joyously submit to be abhorred + But suffer grinding torments if ignored. + So let them live, renounced by their own sons, + And taste the amnesty that spares and shuns. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. J.M. B---- (_née_ Nurse ----), a son."--_Scotsman_. + +Nurses, like poets, are born, not made. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAY'S THE THING. + +Just outside Mrs. Ropes' drive gates there lies a famous and exclusive +golf course, and when she turned her house into a Convalescent Home +the secretary wrote offering the hospitality of the club to all +officers who might come under her care. + +Nevertheless, when Haynes and I first arrived, we were both too +languid and feeble for any more exacting form of athletics than +spillikins and jigsaws, and it was some time before the M.O. gave +us permission to go on the links. + +"And remember," he added, "gently to begin with. Stop at the +thirteenth hole." + + * * * * * + +"Of course," I said apologetically to Haynes as we neared the +club-house, "I was pretty putrid before the War, so I shall be simply +indescribable now." + +"My dear chap, this isn't going to be a match. Keep your excuses till +we play serious golf. To-day's just a gentle knock round. Here we are. +I'll go and borrow some clubs; you get a couple of caddies." + +Five minutes later he rejoined me, carrying two sets of clubs. + +"Hallo!" he remarked in surprise. "I didn't know you'd brought your +family. Introduce me." + +"Mabel," I said, "and Lucy--our caddies." + +"Girls?" + +"They have that appearance. Why not?" + +"They'll cramp my style horribly; I like to be free." + +"Can't you be free in French for once?" + +"Most unsatisfying. Why didn't you get boys?" + +"The caddy-master says (a) girls are better; (b) he has no boys; (c) +all the boys he has are booked by plutocrats with season tickets." + +"Oh, all right. Here are your clubs--the pro. gave me the only two +sets he had available. You're a bit taller than I am, so I've given +you the long ones." + +I looked at them critically. + +"Doesn't a pair of stilts go with them?" I asked. + +"Well, mine are worse. Just a bundle of toothpicks. Here, catch hold, +Lucy." + +Mabel teed up for me. I selected a driver about the length of a +telegraph pole and swept my ball away. It stopped just short of the +first bunker. + +Haynes bent himself double to address his ball, but straightened up +while swinging and missed it by a foot. At the second attempt he +hooked it over square-leg's head on to the fairway of the eighteenth +hole. + +"_Sacré bleu!_" he said with very fair freedom, "I'm not going all +that way after it. Lucy, run and fetch it, there's a dear." + +Lucy, highly scandalized at the idea of losing a hole so tamely, +started off; Mabel and Haynes and I went after my ball. + +I took the mashie, because I distrusted my ability to carry the bunker +with another telegraph pole. That mashie would have been about the +right length for me if I could have stood on a chair while making my +stroke. As it was it entered the ground two feet behind the ball and +emerged, with a superb divot, just in front. + +"Aren't there _any_ short clubs in the bag, Mabel?" I asked. She +handed me a straight-faced putter ... + +Five strokes later I picked my ball up out of the bunker. + +"I'm over-exerting myself," I said. "We'll call that hole a half." + +Neither of us was satisfied with his tee shot at the next hole. I +picked my ball out of a gorse-bush, and Haynes rescued his from a +drain. Then we strolled amicably towards the third tee. Our caddies, +unused to such methods, followed reluctantly. + +"Was that 'ole 'alved, too, Sir?" piped Mabel with anxious interest. + +"It's a nice point. I hardly know. Why?" + +She hung her head and blushed. A sudden suspicion struck me. + +"Mabel," I said sternly, "are you--_can_ you be--_betting_ on this +game?" + +"Yes, Sir," she answered with a touch of defiance. "Boys always does." + +I told Haynes, who appeared profoundly shocked. + +"Good G----! I mean, _Mon dieu!_" he exclaimed. "What are we doing?" + +"Surely you can't hold us responsible? The child's parents ..." + +"I don't mean _that_, you ass. Here we have the innocent public +putting its money on our play, and we're treating the whole thing as a +joke. This has got to be a match, after all. A woman's fortune hangs +upon the issue--doesn't it, Lucy?" + +"Yes, Sir," she answered without comprehension. + +From this point the game became a grim struggle. I won the third hole +in seventeen, but Haynes took the fourth in nineteen to my twenty-two. + +At the fifth I noticed a pond guarding the green. I carefully +circumvented this with my faithful putter and holed out in my smallest +score of the round so far. + +"Hi!" shouted Haynes. "How many?" He had been having a little hockey +practice by himself in the rough, and was now preparing to play an +approach shot across the pond. + +"Twelve!" + +"Then I've this for the hole," he yelled, and topped his ball gently +into the water ... + +So it went on--what the papers call a ding-dong struggle. Suffice it +to say that at the twelfth I was dormy one and in a state of partial +collapse. + +The thirteenth is a short hole. You drive from a kind of pulpit, and +the green is below you, protected by large stiff-backed bunkers like +pews. + +"Last hole, thank Heaven," panted Haynes. "I couldn't bear much more. +I'm all of a dither as it is." + +Mabel, twittering with excitement, teed up. I looked at the green +lying invitingly below and took that gigantic putter. The ball, struck +with all my little remaining strength, flew straight towards the +biggest bunker, scored a direct hit on the top of it, bounced high in +the air--and trickled on to the green. + +Haynes invoked the Deity (even at that stressful moment, to his +eternal credit, in French) and took his miniature driver. His ball, +hit much too hard, pitched in the same bunker, crossed it, climbed up +the face of it, and joined mine on the green. Utterly unnerved, we +toddled down and took our putts. Haynes, through sheer luck (as he +admits), laid his ball stone dead; I had a brain-storm and over-ran +the hole, leaving myself a thirty-foot putt for the match. I took long +and careful aim, but my hands were shaking pitifully. The ball started +on a grotesquely wrong line, turned on a rise in the ground, cannoned +off a worm-cast and plopped into the tin. Mabel gave a shriek of +joy, and Lucy--well, I regret to say that Lucy made use of a terse +expression the French equivalent of which her employer had been at +great pains to remember. Haynes and I lay flat on the ground, overcome +as much by emotion as by our physical weakness. + +At last I struggled to a sitting posture. + +"Mabel," I croaked, "I shall want at least ten per cent. commission +for that. How much have you won?" + +"Please, Sir," she cooed happily, "a 'a'p'ny, Sir." + + * * * * * + +THE MERRY WIDOW (GRASS). + + "Mother's help, to assist lady; husband away; happy + home."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + + * * * * * + + "A St. Cleather man, who had planted a wastrel, is to be invited + to attend the next meeting."--_Western Morning News_. + +Surely they don't want the wastrel dug up again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRATERNISING AT THE FRONT. + +_Nervous Tommy_ (_on outpost duty for the first time_). "'OO GOES +THERE?" + +_Bosch Scout_. "FRIEND." + +_Tommy_. "ADVANCE AN' BE RECONCILED."] + + * * * * * + +A NEW USE FOR LATIN. + +BY OUR CLASSICAL EXPERT. + +"Greek is in the last ditch," writes Sir HENRY NEWBOLT in his _New +Study of English Poetry_; "Latin is trembling at sight of the thin +edge of the wedge." Still a hope of saving Latin--within limits--yet +remains, if the appeal of "Kismet" in _The Spectator_ meets with a +sympathetic response. He asks the readers of that journal "to render +into Latin in two or three words the old cricket adjuration, 'Play the +game.'" He has already had some suggestions, including "_Lude ludum_," +from "an eminent scholar," but, like the late Mr. TOOLE in one of his +most famous songs, still he is not happy. + +In rendering colloquial phrases into the lapidary style of ancient +Rome, I confess it is often hard to improve on the brevity of the +vernacular, though the admonition "to keep your end up" can be +condensed from four words to two in "_sursum cauda_." Again the +familiar eulogy, "Stout fellow," can be rendered in a single word +by the Virgilian epithet "_bellipotens_." A distinguished Latinist +recalls in this context the sentiment of the writer, Pomponius +Caninus:-- + + _Rebus in adversis comitem sors prospera pinguem_ + _Det mihi._ + +And to the same authority I am indebted for the following version of +"Don't speak to the man at the wheel:"-- + + _O silete, circumstantes_ + _Nautas rotam operantes._ + +Though Latin is tottering at our schools it occasionally pops up in +unexpected places. For example, not very long ago I heard a popular +comedian introduce his family motto and translate it for the benefit +of a music-hall audience. Latin quotations, even from HORACE, have +gone out of fashion in the Houses of Parliament. Perhaps they will +revive on the stage. The unfair preference for Greek shown by doctors +in the nomenclature of disease is perhaps to be explained by the +value of unintelligibility. Did not DAN O'CONNELL, in his famous +vituperative contest with a Dublin washer-woman, triumph in the +long-run by calling her an unprincipled parallelopiped? + +Meanwhile I appeal to the Editor of _The Westminster Gazette_, who, +in his Saturday edition, has done so much to maintain the practice +of classical composition, to offer a prize in one of his periodical +competitions for the best Latin version, of "to buck up," "to stick +it out," "a bit thick," "talking through one's hat," "I don't think," +"blighter," "rotter," and "not 'arf." + + * * * * * + +ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE. + + "Mr. Zangwill (the Chief Rabbi) also spoke."--_Daily News_. + +Following the appointment (recently announced by Mr. Punch) of Mr. +H.G. WELLS as Chaplain to the Forces. + + * * * * * + +From a cattle-auction advertisement:-- + + "NOTE.--Pigs and Calves are requested to be forward by 11 + o'clock."--_Kirkendbrightshire Advertiser_. + +_Vive la politesse!_ + + * * * * * + + "The hereditary privilege of remaining covered in the presence + of the Monarch was granted by Henry VIII. to John Forester of + Watling Street, in 1570."--_Observer_. + +We wonder what GOOD QUEEN BESS thought about this posthumous +interference on the part of her papa. + + * * * * * + +From Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S latest novel:-- + + "It was, indeed, something of an achievement to get on terms of + confidence with those alien children ... many of whom had acquired + a precocious suspicion of Greeks bearing gifts. That sense of + _caveat donor_ was perhaps their most pathetic characteristic." + +Timeo Danaos et dona accipientes! Which may be roughly rendered: "I +suspect TINO, even when he's in receipt of a subsidy." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL. IT'S TIME WE WERE OFF. BUT--PARDON ME, MRS. +GOLDBERG--DO YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO WEAR SO MANY PEARLS AT AN ECONOMY +MEETING?" + +"ALL RIGHT. I WON'T IF YOU THINK NOT. BUT AS A MATTER OF FACT THEY +_ARE_ AN ECONOMY. YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND IS PUTTIN' HIS MONEY IN PEARLS +TO SAVE INCOME-TAX."] + + * * * * * + +LAVENDER. + + I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought; + I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort; + And once I 'eld gerani-ums was grander than the rest, + But now I likes the lavender, the simple-lookin' lavender, + A little bit o' lavender the best. + + My mate 'e'd been a gardener; 'is roses wasn't beat; + 'Is marrers was a marvel and 'is strorberries a treat; + But w'en 'e leave 'is corliflow'rs an' lettuce to enlist, + 'E said it was the lavender, 'is blinkin' bit o' lavender, + A silly patch o' lavender 'e missed. + + In France I used to foller 'im to gather up the bits; + 'E "'adn't 'eard" o' snipers and 'e "wasn't 'eedin'" Fritz; + Till in a slip o' garden by the Convent 'e was copped, + And dahn among the lavender, the trodden sodden lavender, + The bloody muddy lavender 'e dropped. + + A job it was to fix 'im up and do a double bunk, + But 'e was chattin' casual while I was oozin' funk; + 'E yarned abaht the bits o' things 'e used to see at Kew, + An' told me of the lavender, the tidy lot of lavender, + The leagues an' leagues o' lavender 'e grew. + + They book 'im through to Blighty and 'e drop a line from 'ome, + Comparin' clay in Flanders with the proper British loam; + "An' w'en you gets yer seven days, you come along an' see + The roses an' the lavender, the lavender, the lavender ... + You oughter see the lavender!" says 'e. + + My mate 'e 'ad a sister, w'ich I didn't even guess + Till I was at the wicker-gate an' see 'er cotton dress; + 'Er face was sweet as summer-time an' pretty as a tune; + 'Er eyes was like the lavender, the blue bewitchin' lavender, + As lovely as the lavender in June. + + She bid me welcome kindly, an' as quiet as you please, + An' fust we talk o' battlefields an' then we talk o' bees; + But, though the 'olly'ocks was aht an' all the roses red, + I only see the lavender, the patch o' purple lavender; + "I'm pleased you likes the lavender," she said. + + I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought; + I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort; + An' once I 'eld gerani-ums was gayer than the rest, + But now I likes the lavender, a little sprig o' lavender, + I likes a bit o' lavender the best. + + * * * * * + +AN INFANT PRODIGY. + + "Sir Frederick Smith, the Attorney-General, is 5, but does not + look it for he keeps a full thatch and a fresh complexion, and + has features so softly contoured that as a baby he must have + been the pride of the family."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + + * * * * * + +ASIA IN EUROPE. + + "Serbia has been crushed, and, with the exception of Salonika + and the regions temporarily held by the British in Palestine + and Mesopotamia, Germany holds command of Middle Europe. + + "That becomes quite obvious when one looks at the map." + + _Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD in "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETRAYED. + +THE PANDER. "COME ON; COME AND BE KISSED BY HIM."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 3rd._--No further publicity is to be given to Lord +LANSDOWNE'S letter if the Government can help it. But the author is +not to be prosecuted and the rumour that Lansdowne House has been +raided by the police and its noble owner's type writer confiscated +lacks confirmation. + +[Illustration: A STORY LACKING CONFIRMATION.] + +A long and complicated answer by Mr. CLYNES, describing and defending +the new sugar-cards, was not altogether satisfying. Sir F. BANBURY'S +inquiry, "Does the hon. gentleman think that anybody will get any +sugar after this?" was prompted, no doubt, by anxiety for the future +of his famous cakes; but it expressed the general doubt. + +Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has hitherto stoutly denied that the Allies +have given ex-KING CONSTANTINE a retiring allowance, admitted that +the Greek Government might make him some payment, and that the Allies +furnished Greece with money. In other words, Greece has given TINO a +penny to play in the next street, and the Allies have lent her the +penny. + +Asked by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT whether the labour expended on fitting +gas-bags to motor cars could not be more usefully employed, the +MINISTER OF NATIONAL SERVICE replied as follows: "The questions +involved in the use of gas-bags, _including that raised by the hon. +Member_, are being considered." And Mr. LAMBERT is now wondering +whether Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES intended to be personal. + +_Tuesday, December 4th._--In answer to a question as to what steps the +Board of Agriculture was taking to replant districts denuded of trees, +Sir RICHARD WINFREY replied that "surplus nursery stock" would be +transplanted by "gangs of women." Evidently surprised by the laughter +which followed, he whispered to his neighbour, "Have I said anything +very funny?" + +At the end of a long catechism by Mr. KING regarding the literature +issued by the War Aims Committee, Mr. OUTHWAITE inquired if it could +be sent to Members of the House. Major GUEST was quite ready to +oblige. In his opinion some Members, including Mr. OUTHWAITE himself, +would be much the better for its perusal. + +Mr. PRATT is about the last Minister whom I should have suspected of +cynicism, but I have my doubts about him now. By his admission the +British Pharmacopoeia (war edition) contains "Glycerins devoid of +glycerin and syrups free from sugar." "But," he added, "it does not +materially lessen their value as medicines." + +Upon the House being asked to recommit the Representation of the +People's Bill in respect of the provisions dealing with conscientious +objectors and redistribution in Ireland, Mr. REDMOND, naturally +anxious lest the House should imagine that Ireland's objection to +military service was conscientious, requested the SPEAKER to divide +the debate into water-tight compartments. No artificial restraints, +however, could keep Mr. HEALY within bounds. He ranged at large over +Irish history, and declared that the decision to impose on Ireland a +(more or less) equitable system of representation was an outrage only +to be compared with the breach of the Treaty of Limerick. + +As a humourist on this occasion Mr. HEALY had to yield the palm to +a colleague. The CHIEF SECRETARY incidentally referred to the +arrangement that no contentious business should be taken during the +War. "Except by agreement," interjected Mr. NUGENT. + +[Illustration: SUGARLESS BANBURY CAKES.] + +_Wednesday, December 5th._--Not long ago Lord ROBERT CECIL referred to +a rumour that the German Government intended to encourage polygamy. +Mr. KING, shocked to discover that this charge rested upon a statement +in a neutral newspaper, protested against the practice of making +speeches "on such miserable foundations." As the bulk of the hon. +Member's own utterances have a similar basis the retort was almost too +obvious; and Mr. BALFOUR in making it must have felt as if he had shot +his bird sitting. + +The courage of the hero who took up the challenge: "Whoever shall +these boots displace, must meet Bombastes face to face," was +comparatively nothing to that of Mr. H.W. FORSTER, who in the +interests of economy has promised to limit the height of women's +boots. There will be much stamping of lofty heels at this ukase. Sir +JOHN REES thought another order lengthening skirts was the logical +corollary, and so it is if the Government really want "to make both +ends meet." But Mr. FORSTER showed no disposition to embark upon +petticoat government. + +Irish Nationalists worked themselves into seven different kinds +of fury over the decision of the Government to apply the rules of +arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in their beloved country. +Mr. DILLON threatened the House with the possibility that at the +next General Election he and his colleagues might be wiped out of +existence. Scared by this awful prospect so many Liberals voted +against the closure that the Government only escaped defeat by 29. + +_Thursday, December 6th._--The prospect of an all-night sitting +rendered the House unusually irritable. Mr. HEALY fulminated at Sir +E. CARSON (who was not present) in language that reminded Colonel +SHARMAN-CRAWFORD of "a low police-court." Mr. DILLON'S high top note +was ceaselessly employed in emitting adjectives more remarkable, +as Mr. BONAR LAW icily observed, for their strength than for their +novelty. At one time it looked as if there was to be a first-class +Irish row. But wiser counsels ultimately prevailed. The House as a +whole was in no mood for protracted discussion in which non-Irish +moonlighters might participate. + +At last there is hope that the instructions of the FOOD-CONTROLLER +will have some practical result. To-day in reply to a question Mr. +CLYNES said, "The order about to be issued will contain provisions +..." Ah! if it only will. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVIDENCE. + +_Officer_. "NOW, SERGEANT-MAJOR, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS MAN WAS +DRUNK?" + +_Sergeant-Major_. "SIR, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH, WHEN I MET THE +ACCUSED, 'E RAISED 'IS 'AT, ACCOMPANYING THE MOTION WITH THE WORDS, +'GOOD EVENIN', BLUE BEARD!'"] + + * * * * * + +THE LOST LEADER. + +The Hillsbury Company of the 2nd Battalion of the Lastshire Volunteers +were being inspected for efficiency by a Captain of the Grenadier +Guards, who had graciously come down and devoted his Sunday afternoon +to this purpose. Forty "A" men had obeyed their country's call and +turned up on parade, and among the officers was Alfred Herbert, +who was a second-lieutenant of the mature age of fifty. He was +enthusiastic, but a slow learner, always confusing himself and his +men. Still, he was obviously doing his best, and the men forgave him +and did _their_ best to cover up his faults. + +"Mr. Herbert," said the inspecting officer sharply, "be good enough to +take the company out and move them about for a few minutes." + +Herbert's heart began to beat at the double. He had known that this +ordeal might come, but he had hoped against hope that, if he made +himself small and meek, he would be overlooked. All was in vain; his +time had come. "Drill them as a company of two platoons," said the +stern Guardsman. + +"Yes, Sir," said Herbert. "Shall I--" + +"Take them out at once, Sir. We have no time to waste." + +It was at this moment that Herbert's first dream, or I should rather +say the first phase of his treble dream, began. He dreamt that he +called the company to attention, caused them to slope arms, and moved +them to the right in fours. + +So far so good. + +Now they were in columns of fours and marching gaily. + +"This is a good dream," thought Herbert. "I will get them into line. +On the right, form company!" he shouted at the top of his voice. + +He had done it. He had got the rear rank in front, and this is +a terrible state of affairs, leading to the most frightful +complications--at any rate in the Lastshire Volunteers. + +"Move to the right in fours!" he commanded; and then the trouble +began. + +In less than half a minute, forty deserving men, including N.C.O.'s, +were tied up into a series of terrifically complicated knots, in the +midst of which the Company Sergeant-Major bobbed about, an angry cork +on a stormy ocean of desperate men. + +"Very good, Mr. Herbert, oh, very good indeed," said the Inspecting +Officer. + +At this point Herbert passed into his second phase and dreamed that +it was all a dream. + +But the question remained: what was he to do? + +"Double!" he shouted, and himself gave the example. And as he ran he +passed into his third phase and dreamed it was all true; and he woke +up with a start at the orderly room, and found that it _was_ true. + +That very evening he resigned his commission, "owing," as he wrote, +"to an incurable habit of getting the rear rank in front." + +What happened to the men I cannot say with certainty. I think they are +still struggling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Physical Exercise Instructor_. "'ERE, YOU! WHAT THE +DEUCE ARE YOU LARFING AT?" + +_Recruit_. "OH, SERGEANT, I--I WAS THINKING WHAT PRICELESS BALLY ASSES +WE MUST LOOK!"] + + * * * * * + +MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY. + +ON THE DANGER OF POPULARITY. + +_The Ballybun Binnacle_ has ceased publication--I hope temporarily, +for I have had to fall back on _The Times_. The latter is the better +paper for wrapping things in, and they seem to use a good kind of ink +which does not come off on the butter, but it's a bit weak on its +advertising side. It was O'Mullins across the road who pointed this +out to me first. He had, he says, an advertisement a whole week in +_The Times_ for a total abstainer to make himself otherwise useful and +to mend his stable door; but no apparent notice was taken of it. The +same advertisement had not been a couple of hours in _The Binnacle_ +before three tinkers tried to steal his horse. + +I have heard people speak well of the editorials in our chief London +rival, but they are not thought much of in Ballybun; they haven't the +flavour. Our paper used to be strongly political, but the increase in +the number of subscribers did not pay for the libel actions, and so of +late we have been cultivating an open mind and advertisements. It is +true that even so it was impossible for Casey, our editor, to steer +wholly clear of vexed political questions, but his latest manner was +admirably statesmanlike. He would summarise the opposing views of our +eight or nine parties and then state boldly that he agreed with most +of them, and as for the rest he would not shrink to declare, in the +face of the world if necessary, that they were full of an intellectual +Zeitgeist, unfortunately only too sporadic. He would then sum up by +drawing attention to the bargain sale of white goods at the Ballybun +Emporium. Everybody liked this, and the Ballybun Bon Marché would send +in its advertisement for our next week's issue. + +_The Binnacle_ has ceased publication, of course, before. When the +editor took his summer holiday or went to a friend's wedding in the +country he would often leave the bringing of it out to his staff. The +latter used normally to edit the sporting and fashionable columns and +was called Flannagan, but had only one eye and was somewhat eccentric. +Flannagan couldn't be bothered sometimes and sometimes he would go +fishing. Still, although the paper would not come out just when we +expected, Flannagan might relent and bring it out two or three days +later, and at all events he always told us the news whenever he met us +in the street. + +Thus we could not strictly say that we had no local newspaper. But +now, I fear, the case is altered, and _The Binnacle_ has been killed +solely by its own popularity. + +It doesn't do for an editor to be too popular. People used to drop in +on Casey at all hours of the day and lend a hand and smoke his tobacco +and try to borrow money. His sanctum became the fashionable lounge +of the Ballybun _élite_. A great gap was caused in the front of the +paper amongst the best paying advertisements by Kelly's trying to +clean his pipe with part of the linotype machine. Casey noticed +this, and further attributed the matter to the Censor, whom he +attacked vigorously in a leading article for trying to throttle the +safety-valve of trade by inoculating the thin end of the wedge; he +will do this again, he added, at his own peril. He also told Kelly the +same. + +As our respected Member of Parliament is hanging tenaciously on to +life, and we could not very well invite him to create a vacancy, we +were at a loss how to mark our esteem for our popular editor in a +practical manner. Casey himself suggested a testimonial. His friends, +however, said that nothing sordid should ever enter into the feelings +with which they regarded him, and decided finally on electing him to +the second highest office a layman in our part can hope to hold. He +was elected Judge--"unanimously," as he put it, "by 29 to 3"--and the +race meeting came off last week. We hate to hold it in war-time, but +the breed of horses and bookies must be kept up. Even the bed-ridden +took a day off and trooped to it. + +Picture the feelings of the crowd when Casey merged the judge into +the editor and kept declaring race after race a dead heat. They rose +at him as one man and clamoured for souvenirs. What was left of Casey +shook the dust of Ballybun off his feet, while our impulsive patriots +were smashing his office furniture. + +This only proves what I have often maintained, that popularity always +makes a man unpopular in the long run. Meanwhile _The Ballybun +Binnacle_ has ceased to appear, but I see from _The Times_ there has +been a movement in Berlin in favour of letting bygones be bygones. + + * * * * * + +BOOKS AND BOOKS. + + ["The last books of the Winter season are creeping out, and + some are important and some are not."--_Daily Chronicle_.] + + The last books of Winter, + Some slim and some stout, + From the hands of the printer + Are now "creeping out"; + And it's helpful to learn from + A man on the spot + That some are important + And others are not. + + And yet the conviction + Expressed in this guise + In the matter of fiction + I'd like to revise; + For of the romances + Unceasingly shot + From the press, most are piffle + And very few not. + + From minstrelsy's _mêlée_, + Its foam and its surge, + A Keats or a Shelley + May haply emerge; + Or there may be a Tupper + To leaven the lot-- + Some bards are immortal + And others are not. + + We're certain to meet with-- + The stock never fails-- + Some Memoirs replete with + Fatiguing details; + But the chance isn't great of + A Lockhart and Scott, + Or a Boswell and Johnson-- + No, certainly not. + + Some prophet whose coming + Is yet undivined + May set the world humming + And stagger mankind; + It may be a Darwin + Some publisher's got + Up his sleeve, or it may be + Some one who is not. + + There may be some clinkers + Now "creeping" to light, + Tremendous deep thinkers + Or high in their flight; + There may be diffusers + Of air that is hot; + There may be a Bergson, + Again there may not. + + Though the publishing season + Is now on the wane, + This isn't a reason + Why we should complain; + For the view of the expert-- + His "i's" when we dot-- + Is that some books are useful, + But most of them rot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_playfully_). "WHAT--HAVEN'T YOU FINISHED +YET?" + +_Sandy_ (_regarding cake, from which he has been told to help +himself_). "AH, BUT YE KEN, A CAKE O' THIS SIZE ISNA SAE SOON EATEN AS +YE MAY THENK."] + + * * * * * + +From the report of a speech by the Chief Justice of New Zealand:-- + + "His Excellency the Governor may make any conditions he pleases. + In fact it is a case of 'Hoc volo sic jubes; sit pro ratione + valunters.' I do not think the word can be read in that wide + sense."--_New Zealand Times_. + +Nor do we. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "INDIAN DEFENCE FORCE ORDERS. CALCUTTA SOTTISH."--_The Empire_ + (_Calcutta_). + + * * * * * + + "Defendant was fined 20s. for the abusive language which, said + the Chairman, was the worst the Magistrates had ever + seen."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Or even tasted. + + * * * * * + + "Antiques are the 'best sellers' at all bazaars, and one meets + hunters of them all over the country. I hear of Mrs. ---- engaged + on the chase at Bath for her charity scheme. The Duchess of ---- + was there, too, taking the waters."--_Daily Mirror_. + +Some of our collectors will stop at nothing. + + * * * * * + +ART TO THE RESCUE. + +No means to get people to invest in War Bonds can be seriously +objected to; but I must confess that when, on a railway station +hoarding, I caught sight of a poster representing WHISTLER'S famous +portrait of his mother, with the words, "Old Age is Coming," printed +across it, beneath an appeal to the public to be prudent about the +future by buying Government stock now, I experienced a jolt. Because +this picture has always been one of the sacred things, and to see it +again was a necessary part of any visit to Paris. As to the shock +which the sight would have caused the painter, were he alive to-day, +the pen prefers to say little. Even with three patriotic motives to +control him--for he was American by birth, French by sympathy, and +English by residence--WHISTLER must have delivered his mind. That he +would consider this anything but a gentle art of breaking enemies, is +certain; nor can I see him holding his peace about it. + +[Illustration: "These good dogs would prefer WAR BONDS to a bone."] + +Personally, however, I got over my own sense of the outrage very +quickly. For the new War Bonds must succeed, and the end justifies the +means, however desperate--that is how I looked at it, and therefore, +instead of maintaining an attitude of preciosity, I began to wonder +how I could assist the authorities (who had dared to bend the +Butterfly to their purpose) to further useful acts of vandalism. +Nothing should, I determined, stand in my way. Where they were merely +"hairy," I would be absolutely bald-headed. Hence, if there is +anything in the suggestions that follow which may set the teeth of +the reverent on edge, it must be attributed to honest zeal. All that +I want is for the Kennedy-Jones of the movement to lift Art from her +pedestal for a few days only--in the interests of the Allies and to +the lasting detriment of Germany--and then replace her. But there is +no need to trouble about the replacing. That will be automatic. + +Beginning with the postulate that War's sinews must be forthcoming, or +HAIG and BYNG will batter at the Hun to insufficient purpose, we can +do anything. Let then, I say, all the artists be conscripted, whether +old masters or young. The façade of the National Gallery is to-day one +vast hoarding advertising the progress of the Loan; let us go inside +and levy upon its treasures too. A few pictorial suggestions will be +found on this page; others will occur to its habitués, and doubtless +the Trustees (although Lord LANSDOWNE is one) will be only too glad +to fall in with the project. + +[Illustration: "She's happy. She's bought WAR BONDS."] + +BURNE-JONES'S "Cophetua and the Beggar Maid" hangs, for instance, in +the National Gallery--temporarily borrowed from the Tate--at this +moment. It would make a good piece of propaganda. "Why is the maid a +beggar?" "Because her parents had not provided against the future by +provident and patriotic speculation." Close by hangs, also on loan +from the Tate, CECIL LAWSON'S "Harvest Moon." "Why on this most +favourable of nights is there no raid?" "Because the success of the +War Bonds brought about Germany's surrender." After the authorities' +most admirable and desirable way with WHISTLER'S mother, you can do +anything and should do anything. That is my point. + +[Illustration: "Cut your cloth to leave a BIG margin for WAR BONDS."] + +And not only the National Gallery, but the galleries of France and +Italy, and even Germany herself. Perhaps Germany first of all, for +there would be a piquancy in thus employing the cherished possessions +of the foe. Could not something be done, for example, with the famous +wax bust, the glory of the Kaiser Friedrich Collection, into which +LEONARDO DA VINCI, as a finishing touch, crammed an early Victorian +waistcoat before delivering the masterpiece to its owner? A really +ingenious organiser should be able to make telling use of that, +perhaps with a play on the word "investment." But meanwhile LEONARDO +would, I am sure, be only too willing to suppress his sensitive +feelings and assist his fellow-countrymen in their stand on the Piave +by contributing "Monna Lisa." Some such words as these would serve: +"Why is she smiling that satisfied smile?" "Because she has bought a +nice little packet of War Bonds and thus insured a comfortable old +age." At the same time TITIAN could help to save his Venice by lending +the "Venus" from the Uffizi. "Why is this lady so naked?" "Because she +neglected to invest in War Bonds, and thus had nothing with which +to buy clothes later on." Or, if a French or English picture were +preferred, INGRES' "La Source," from the Louvre, or LEIGHTON'S "Bath +of Psyche" from the National Gallery, could be used with the same +touching legend. But I feel that TITIAN should have the first chance. +And there are living painters too who would come in. Our own old +master--AUGUSTUS JOHN (who is now, I am told, a major)--would, no +doubt, be delighted to lend the hoardings one of the pictures from +his exhibition now in progress. The portrait of Mr. G.B. SHAW, for +example, in which the eyes of the great seer are closed. "Why is +this old gentleman not looking at you?" "Because he is afraid you +may not have bought any War Bonds and he can't bear to see anything +unpatriotic." + +But enough has been said. The National War Bonds must be sold, and Art +must help, and no one must wince. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_in course of an arithmetic lesson_). "WHAT +IS HALF FOUR?" + +_Daughter_. "TWO." + +_Mother_. "AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HALF FIVE?" + +_Daughter_. "WELL, MUMMIE, IT DEPENDS WHICH HALF YOU MEAN--THE TWO OR +THE THREE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Many years ago, when I was younger and more optimistic than to-day, I +thought out what struck me as an adventure-story of wonderful promise, +and confided the plot to a friend, reputed expert in such matters. He +heard me with indulgent attention and, when I had finished, "Capital," +says he; "but do you propose to differentiate it in _any_ way from +_Dead Man's Rock?_" I am reminded of this ancient wound by the +appearance of a new buccaneering book by Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH; +and that not only on account of the name of the author, but because +when a tale of this kind begins in Bristol Docks, with a company +that includes an apprentice-hero, a one-eyed sailor and a parrot of +piratical past, it is impossible not to recall _Treasure Island_. +However this may be, _Mortallone_ soon attains a development quite +sufficiently original, with an island and a secret and a noble store +of buried treasure, all in doubloons and pieces of eight, which is +exactly how I prefer it. In short a capital yarn, which did but +confirm me in an old resolve that, were I ever thinking of commencing +pirate or starting any unlawful business of the seas, I should avoid +apprentices like the plague. The second part of _Mortallone and Aunt +Trinidad_ (ARROWSMITH) I found rather less satisfactory. Here a number +of tales of the Spanish Main are supposed to be told by a trio of +withered beldames whose youthful prime was spent as pirate queens. A +striking and novel approach; though my belief in it was hindered by +the discovery that these untutored crones not only spoke but wrote an +admirable, if slightly mannered, prose, akin to that of STEVENSON or, +say, Sir ARTHUR himself. But these be the carpings of age; I am sure +that no boy lucky enough to find _Mortallone_ among his Christmas +presents will leave a paragraph undevoured. + + * * * * * + +Dr. H. STUERMER is one of that small band of Germans who have had the +courage to denounce the policy and acts of their Government. When +the War began he joined the German army, fought in the Masurian +operations, was invalided out of the army at the beginning of 1915, +and thereupon became correspondent in Constantinople of the _Kölnische +Zeitung_, in which capacity he acted until the end of 1916, when his +too great truthfulness proved distasteful to his employers and he had +to give up his place. Now he resides in Switzerland and "makes use," +he says, "of the opportunity ... to range himself boldly on the side +of truth, and show that there are still Germans who find it impossible +to condone, even tacitly, the moral transgression and political +stupidity of their own and an allied Government." This is a big +undertaking, but Dr. STUERMER attacks it manfully in his book, _Two +War Years in Constantinople_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). He gives a +harrowing description of the sufferings of the Armenians, and leaves +no doubt that he considers Germany responsible for the massacre of +a nation. I advise those who desire first-hand knowledge of the +political schemes and ambitions of the Germans and their Young Turkish +friends to consult this book. It is a mine of information. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL always packs his novels with sober stuff and +redeems them from any trace of dulness by the skill with which he +handles his theme, and by his conscientious study not only of his +characters but of the details of his background. That background in +_The Dwelling-Place of Light_ (MACMILLAN) is an American cottonmill +district with a mixed alien population of operatives, and trouble +brewing as the result of a headstrong wage-cutting manager, _Claude +Ditmar_, in conflict with the I.W.W. The phases of this grim struggle +are most forcibly described, the author holding no brief for either +protagonist. And, if widower _Ditmar_, man of iron, for whom the +Chippering Mill is his second and abiding mate, be no hero, _Janet_, +his typist, has the makings of a notable heroine. How this girl, +full of character and of passion bravely restrained, breaks down the +business preoccupation of her chief and how her courage and steadfast +honour convince him that the liaison he promised himself will not +suffice for honour or purified desire--all this is finely told. It +was, however, but a faltering and slowly-growing conviction, and death +claims him before he can make amends for the wrong into which his +masterful pleading has betrayed her. I never quite precisely gathered +what was "the dwelling-place of light." Anyway it wasn't the +Chippering Mill ... But I was sorry when I reached the four hundred +and ninth and last of the closely-set pages. Good measure for a book +in war-time. + + * * * * * + +Throughout a vagabond career that began in happiness on a farm and +finished, thankfully, amongst the fields, _Frank Rainger_ followed +always the pathway of the broader experience. Followed it so stoutly +and was such good company on the long road that whether it was high +holiday at Cranbrook Circus with _Maggie Coalbran_, or a fight for +the hopeless cause of the Southern States in shell-torn Vicksburg, or +only the keeping of eternal lazy summer with the peons of Yucatan, I +was altogether content to go humbly forward with him, convinced that, +as it was written, so and no otherwise should it be. Even when he +deservedly failed to become a shining light in the literary firmament +to which he aspired--an unheard-of piece of audacity on the part +of his authoress--I did not rebel. Miss SHEILA KAYE SMITH has an +essential clarity of visualisation, a deep and still reserve of +unforced pathos and an exquisite sense of the haunting word, that +combine with a most competent alertness of movement to make her latest +artistic success, _The Challenge to Sirius_ (NISBET), a book for which +I can hardly find adequate words of praise. Most admirable of all, +perhaps, is a strange faculty she has shown for making one satisfied +that her people should remain perennially rather poor and unambitious +and dull, and should even grow old without occasioning us regret. +With the deep under-drift of the writer's philosophy one may not be +completely in accord, but certainly it will worry nobody, while the +unity and beauty of her methods hold one in willing bondage from +beginning to end. This is real literature, and everyone should +read it. + + * * * * * + +Without any very exceptional gifts as a story-teller Fleet-Surgeon +T.T. JEANS, R.N., scores heavily off most writers of boys' adventure +tales by having actually lived the life he describes. Here, for +instance, in _A Naval Venture_ (BLACKIE) we do get the real thing, +and boys would be well-advised to sample it and see if it is not +preferable to the kind of adventurous fiction produced so prolifically +for their amusement. Not that this yarn is lacking in adventure; +indeed it is concerned with the Gallipoli campaign, from the landings +until the evacuation, and anything more adventurous it would be hard +to imagine. In reading this story of _The Orphan, The Lamp-post, +Bubbles, The Hun, Rawlins and The Pink Rat_, one feels that the author +actually knows these "snotties," with their high courage, animal +spirits and elementary humour. It is in fact history spiced with +fiction. Of all the characters my vote goes to _Kaiser Bill_, for +although, being a tortoise, he performed no deeds of actual gallantry, +he carried good luck with him wherever he went. Besides, his name +might annoy the ALL-HIGHEST. Mr. JEANS made an extremely good shot +when he drew his bow at _A Naval Venture_. + + * * * * * + +You would hardly believe what a remarkably unprincipled set of persons +make up the cast of Mr. WILLIAM CAINE'S newest story. He calls them +_Drones_ (METHUEN), but that, I feel, is a charitable understatement. +There was _Eric Wanstanley_, rising young sculptor, who, because he +didn't rise quickly enough, was capable of borrowing the savings of +his friend's parlourmaid to work a system at roulette. The friend, +_Austin Jenner_, was also an artist and also rising. His little +failing was concealment of the fact that he was almost wholly +supported by remittances furnished by his hard-working brother. +Incidentally he was engaged to _Eric's_ sister, but abandoned her +without a qualm for the beringed hand of one _Mrs. Meldrum_, a rich +widow, known as The B.Q. (Biscuit Queen). Need I say that _Mrs. +Meldrum_, moving in these circles, and with ambitions as an art +patroness, lived in Cheyne Walk? Indeed the setting of the whole +comedy is inevitably Chelsea. Having regard to the number of bad hats +among the _dramatis personæ_, you will probably not be astonished to +be told that their goings-on are excellently entertaining; though +I cannot but think that to give both his leading lady and his +_soubrette_, or Singing Chambermaid, the handicap of morally deficient +young brothers, does look like laziness on the part of Mr. CAINE. +Surely there exist other avenues to calamity. But it's an amusing +rogues' comedy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNPUBLISHED INCIDENTS IN ANCIENT HISTORY. PANOPEUS +EXPLAINS HIS MODEL AT THE WAR OFFICE, ATHENS, DURING THE TROJAN WAR.] + + * * * * * + +FOR THE SAVING OF CHILD-LIFE. + +Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON will lecture on "How Dickens' tales came true," on +Friday, December 14th, at 3 o'clock, at 20, Arlington Street (kindly +lent by the Marchioness of Salisbury), in aid of the Kentish Town Day +Nursery. Tickets, £1 1s. 0d., 10s. 6d., 7s. 6d., may be obtained from +Countess GREY, of Chester Street, N.W.1. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11444 *** diff --git a/11444-h/11444-h.htm b/11444-h/11444-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd3faca --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/11444-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2165 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 12, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11444 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Dec. 12, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<br /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 12, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page391" + id="page391"></a>[pg 391]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>A "Company for Oversea Enterprises" has been formed in + Hamburg. It has no connection with the German High Sea + Fleet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A guinea a dozen is being offered for rabbits in the Isle of + Wight. Most of them, however, are holding back for a War + bonus.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Newcastle man who has been missing for eleven months has + just turned up at his home. He excused himself on the grounds + that the tea queue was rather a long one.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There are reports current of an impending strike of brewery + workers in the North. Several employees have threatened to + "Down Beer."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Confirmation is still awaited of the rumour that several + food ships have recently torpedoed themselves rather than fall + into the hands of the profiteers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The statement that Viscount NORTHCLIFFE has refused the post + of Minister of Health is without foundation. It is no secret, + however, that he would decline the position even if he should + offer it to himself.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Double-headed matches are impracticable, according to the + Tobacco and Matches Control Board. The sorts with detachable + heads, however, will continue to be manufactured.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Norfolk fisherman with twenty-six children has been fined + five shillings for neglecting seven of them. His offence is + thought to have been due to oversight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN there is plenty of + food in Ireland. In the best Sinn Fein circles it is thought + that this condition of things points to an attempt on the part + of the Government to bring discredit on the sacrificial + devotion of the Separatists.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>So realistic has the stage become of late that in <i>The + Boy</i> at the Adelphi, Mr. W.H. BERRY (we give the rumour for + what it is worth) sits down to a meal of wood cutlets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In order that no confusion may be caused among guests the + Government has been requested to have a "take over" whistle + blown in the corridors before they commandeer the next + hotel.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It seems that TROTZKY is to have no nonsense. He has even + threatened to make lynching illegal.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Neue Freie Presse</i> describes LENIN as the + revolutionary with kings at his feet. He also seems to have + several knaves up his sleeve.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Brixton lady has left the sum of four hundred pounds to + her dog. It would be interesting to hear the family solicitor + asking him whether he would take it in War Bonds or bones.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Timber Commission reports a grave shortage of birch, and + a number of earnest ushers are asking, "What is the use of the + censorship?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is now declared that the high explosive found on Countess + MARKIEVICZ'S "green scouts" was not intended for destructive + purposes. Mr. DE VALERA, M.P., was merely going to eat it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Many grocers and publicans, it is stated, have already been + combed out of the Welsh coal mines. Efforts to comb the others + out of their gold mines are meeting with only indifferent + success.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>British grit will win, declares Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON. If + some of our elderly statesmen will refrain from dropping theirs + into the machinery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The London Fire Brigade has been given permission to form a + band. The lack of some method of keeping the crowd amused at + the more protracted fires has often proved an embarrassment to + the force.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The big elephant at the Zoo has been destroyed, says a news + item. A maximum price for potted game is already being + considered by the Food Ministry.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Charged with selling bacon that was bad, a firm of grocers + pleaded that the stuff had been released by the Government. At + first sight it looked as if it had merely escaped from + custody.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The man who was last week charged at a London police court + with posing as a Government official has been put back for the + state of his mind to be inquired into.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/391.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/391.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Scandalised Voice from Gallery</i>. + "'ERE, <i>WOT</i>'S THE PAPER CONTROLLER DOIN'?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The late Mr. Merryweather, who was in his 78th year, + was responsible for great developments in fire-lighting + appliances."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A good scheme—light it first and fight it + afterwards.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Supposing a wolf were to attack you and your family, + what would you do?—Mr. Hedderwick.</p> + + <p>"I would point out that season tickets are issued by + railway companies only as an act of grace.—Sir + William Forbes."—<i>The Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our contemporary heads this "Words Winged To-day."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From "A Word to the Churches," by Miss MARIE + CORELLI:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'A word' of solemn warning was uttered by the Angel of + the Seven Spirits to the Church in Sardis....</p> + + <p>"And this 'word' was fulfilled to the letter, for, as + Herodotus tells us, 'Sardis was taken and utterly + sacked.'"—<i>Daily Graphic</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We fancy the passage must occur in Book X., in which we also + find the famous account of the capture of Timbuctoo by the + Roman Emperor Montezuma in the fourth Punic War—or was it + the fifth Crusade?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page392" + id="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span> + + <h2>TO THE GERMAN PEOPLE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Each to his taste: if you prefer</p> + + <p class="i2">The KAISER'S whip across your flanks;</p> + + <p>If you enjoy the bloody spur</p> + + <p class="i2">That rips your cannon-fodder's ranks;</p> + + <p>If to his boots you still adhere,</p> + + <p class="i2">Kissing 'em as you've always kissed + 'em,</p> + + <p>Why, who are we to interfere</p> + + <p class="i2">With your internal Teuton system?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If from your bonds you know quite well</p> + + <p class="i2">You might, this moment, find release,</p> + + <p>Changing, at will, your present hell</p> + + <p class="i2">For Liberty's heaven of lasting + peace;</p> + + <p>If yet, for habit's sake, you choose</p> + + <p class="i2">This reign of steel, this rule of + terror,</p> + + <p>It's not for us to push our views</p> + + <p class="i2">And point you out your silly error.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Herein I speak as I am taught—</p> + + <p class="i2">That your affairs are yours alone,</p> + + <p>Though, for myself, I should have thought</p> + + <p class="i2">They had a bearing on my own;</p> + + <p>Have I no right to interpose,</p> + + <p class="i2">Urging on you a free autonomy,</p> + + <p>Just as your U-boats shove their nose</p> + + <p class="i2">In my interior economy?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm told we have no quarrel, none,</p> + + <p class="i2">With you as Germans. That's absurd.</p> + + <p>Myself, I hate all sorts of Hun,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet will I say one kindly word:</p> + + <p>If, still refusing Freedom's part,</p> + + <p class="i2">You keep the old Potsdam connection,</p> + + <p>With all my sympathetic heart</p> + + <p class="i2">I wish you joy of that selection.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN ORDER OF THE DAY.</h2> + + <p>In my opinion the value of the stock letter has distinct + limitations. What I mean to say is that if there is in a + Government office a series of half a dozen standard epistles, + one or other of which can be used as a reply to the majority of + the conundrums that daily serve to bulge the post-bag of the + "controller" or "director," the selection of the appropriate + missive should not be left purely to chance.</p> + + <p>Last month I wrote to the Methylated Spirit + Controller:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DEAR SIR,—Referring to the recent Methylated + Spirit (Motor Fuel) Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish + to know whether I am at liberty to use my car as a means of + conveyance to a farm about ten miles away where the rabbits + are eating the young blades of wheat. A friend has invited + me to help him shoot them—the rabbits, I mean."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Well, that was lucid enough, wasn't it? But the reply was + not so helpful as I could have wished. It opened intelligibly + with the words "Dear Sir," but continued:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to + inform you that the employment of a hackney motor vehicle, + not licensed to ply for hire, as a conveyance to divine + service constitutes a breach of Regulation 8 ZZ of the + Defence of the Realm Regulations."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not a word about the rabbits, you see.</p> + + <p>I was so fascinated by the unexpected results of my first + effort that I tried again, this time breaking new ground.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DEAR SIR," I wrote,—"Referring to Methylated + Spirit (Motor Fuel) Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, am I at + liberty to use my car daily to take my children to their + school, which is five miles from my residence? The only + alternative form of conveyance available is a donkey and + cart, the employment of which means that my offspring would + have to start overnight."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I received a quite polite but rather chilly + answer:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to + inform you that the class of necessary household affairs + for which methylated spirit may be employed as a motor fuel + comprises the conveyance from the nearest convenient source + of supply of foodstuffs, fuel and medical requisites, + provided that they cannot be obtained without undue delay + by any means of conveyance other than a motor car."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>My interest thoroughly stimulated by this time, I made yet + one more attempt. I wrote:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DEAR SIR,—Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor + Fuel) Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to sell my + car"—which was true—"but how, as I am now + practically debarred from driving it on the road, am I to + give an intending purchaser a trial run?"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This was evidently a shrewd thrust, which required + consideration, and I heard nothing for a fortnight, during + which I disposed of the car to the proprietor of the local + garage. At last the well-known O.H.M.S. envelope gladdened my + eyes. The letter within it, apologetic but dignified in tone, + is, I fancy, the most popular in stock. It said:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to + express regret that there is no trace of the correspondence + to which you refer."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I left it at that.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SUGAR CARDS AND WILLS.</h2> + + <h4><i>To the Manager of the Legal Department, + "Punch."</i></h4> + + <p>Sir,—I am one of the executors and trustees of the + will of a relation who cannot, I fear, live for many weeks. + Included in his property will be a sugar card; and to you, Sir, + I turn for advice and guidance in the responsibilities which I + am shortly to assume.</p> + + <p>1. Will the Government accept a sugar card (as they do War + Stock) in payment of Estate Duty?</p> + + <p>2. What is the correct method of valuation? Does one + calculate the market price by so many years' purchase based on + one's estimate of the duration? Or will quotations be + obtainable on the Stock Exchange?</p> + + <p>3. My relative has left it in the discretion of his Trustees + to distribute a part of his estate for charitable purposes. + Could the Trustees, under their discretionary power, hand the + card to the Trafalgar Square authorities in reduction of the + National Debt? Or ought they first to obtain the consent of the + residuary legatees?</p> + + <p>4. There is a tenancy for life of part of the residue. If + the card is comprised in such part, and the tenant for life + became bankrupt, would the card vest in his Trustee in + Bankruptcy? If so, what becomes of the remaindermen's rights? + Perhaps the best plan would be to put on a <i>distringas</i> + with the deceased's grocer.</p> + + <p>5. Have the Trustees power on their own initiative to lease + the card for a term of years? Or should the approval of the + transaction by the Court, under the Settled Estates Act, be + first obtained?</p> + + <p>6. With whom do the Executors register the Probate, so as to + perfect their title? Lord RHONDDA, Sir A. YAPP, or the + grocer?</p> + + <p>7. On the true construction of the Finance Acts, 1894-1916, + do you consider that a sugar card is "Free Personal Property," + or "Settled Property," or "An Estate by itself," or "Property + in which the deceased's interest was less than an absolute + interest." The card is apparently "aggregable" with something + or other for the purposes of duty. Would this be the testator's + furniture?</p> + + <p>Yours, etc., A CONSTANT READER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page393" + id="page393"></a>[pg 393]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/393.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/393.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page394" + id="page394"></a>[pg 394]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/394.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/394.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>First Tommy</i> (<i>in lorry</i>). "YOU'VE STOOD + THERE WATCHING US LONG ENOUGH. I SUPPOSE YOU FIND US + INTERESTING?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Tommy</i>. "NOA. A WUR JUST THINKIN' O' WHEN + T' PUNCH AND JUDY SHOW USED TO COOM TO OORR VILLAGE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <h3>LXVII.</h3> + + <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,—In the little village I'm thinking of + it is a sight on no account to be missed to see the same old + British Tommy shopping by telepathy. He doesn't speak their + language and they don't speak his, and when the article + required is not in the window or on the counter to be indicated + by the thumb, a deadlock would appear to be inevitable. Our + Master Thomas, however, never did realise what a deadlock is; + he goes on till he gets what he wants. So you see them in + pairs, taking up a stolid position at the counter, obstinately + stating and re-stating their demands in a composite language of + which the foreign element is almost negligible, until the + merchant or his wife gives in and produces the article + required. I know one simple soldier who managed to reconcile + himself to the confirmed habit amongst the French people of + addressing each other in the French language, but could never + understand their addressing horses and dogs in such an + unintelligible tongue. "If you want a dog to come 'ere, why not + say 'Come 'ere!' and 'ave done with it?" Men may learn strange + lingoes to humour their fellow-men, but how can any dog be + expected to understand "<i>Viens ici</i>"?</p> + + <p>Three years and some odd months have not changed this point + of view; and now for Thomas to find himself in Italy is only to + discover another lot of unfortunate people who cannot + understand or make themselves understood. A little thing like + that, however, is not going to be allowed to stand between + friends; already new words and phrases are being coined, + mutually acceptable to both parties.</p> + + <p>The first sign I saw of our arrival in this country was a + derelict mess-tin on a country station platform; at the next + station I saw a derelict rifle; at the next a whole derelict + kit, and lastly a complete-in-all-parts derelict soldier. He + was surrounded by a small crowd of native men, women and + children, anxious to show their appreciation of his nation by + assisting himself. They were doing their utmost to ascertain + his needs; they were trying him with slices of bread, a + <i>fiasco</i> of chianti, words of intense admiration, flowers. + It was none of these things he wanted; he had only missed his + train and wanted to know what to do about it. But how were they + to know that? When a Latin misses his train he doesn't sit down + stolidly and think slowly.</p> + + <p>I went to his aid. From the manner in which he rose to + salute me they guessed that I was the Commander-in-Chief of all + the English, and were for giving me an ovation. Thomas + explained his trouble to me in half-a-dozen words; I solved it + for him in even fewer. Thomas and I quite understood each + other, and there was no want of sympathy and fellow-feeling + between us. To the small crowd, however, this was the extreme + of brutal curtness. They now thought I was of the English + <i>carabinieri</i>, and that Thomas was being led off to his + execution. They were visibly cowed.</p> + + <p>But the situation is not so simple and clearly defined as it + was in the first place. In the old days either we were English + and they weren't, or they were French and we weren't. There was + no <i>tertium quid</i>. Now things are more complicated. As + Thomas and I stood on the platform, loving each other silently + and unostentatiously, a cheery musical train of <i>poilus</i> + laboured into the station. There was nothing silent or curt + about them: they were all for bread and chianti and flowers and + ovations or any other old thing the crowd cared to offer. + Anything for a jest and to pass the time of day. Between the + French troops and the Italian crowd the matter was clear + enough. Next-door neighbours, molested by the same gang of + roughs in the same brutal manner, quite understand each other + and the general situation when they climb over each other's + garden fences to put the matter to rights. It was the presence + of Thomas and myself which put such an odd complexion on the + whole affair.</p> + + <p>Between ourselves and the crowd it was "Long live Italy!" + and "Long live England!" Between the <i>poilus</i> and the + crowd it was "Long live Italy!" and "Long live France!" But + between the <i>poilus</i> and ourselves there were no signs of + any desire that England or France might endure another day. And + yet the crowd couldn't suppose that we didn't like each other, + for the knowing looks which passed between the hilarious + <i>poilu</i> and slowly smiling Thomas clearly indicated some + strange and intimate relation. The crowd just didn't know what + to make of it all and what exactly was between these odd + strangers, who seemed to have everything in common but nothing + to say to each other. For ourselves, I think it made us feel + homesick, and the home which Thomas and I felt sick for (if you + can believe it of us) was a certain estaminet we know of and a + cup of caffy-o-lay. It was at this moment I first realised + that, as between England and France, there are no longer such + things as foreigners; either we've become French or they've + become English, or else the two of us have combined into a new + mixture which hasn't yet got a name to it.</p> + + <p>I think, though one doesn't talk much out here about + glorious alliances, some deep feelings were being felt all + round. Diversion was ultimately provided by the arrival of an + imposing figure in dark blue, with a lot of gilt about him. The + <i>poilu</i> put him down as an Italian cavalry officer, and + expressed the further hope that Italy would endure for ever. + The Italian crowd took him for something English, but not being + able to judge whether he was greater or less than myself, + contented themselves with an attitude of non-committal + reverence all round. Thomas informed me that he was a French + Staff Officer and displayed no further interest. Though I + cannot tell you what in the name of goodness he was doing in + those parts, he was in fact an American Naval Officer,</p> + + <p>In short, Charles, alliances are + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page395" + id="page395"></a>[pg 395]</span> things as wonderful to see + as they are magnificent to read about. I do, however, regard + with something approaching alarm the new language which will + be evolved to put the lot of us on complete speaking + terms.</p> + + <p>Yours ever, HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/395.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/395.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THERE AN AIR-RAID ON?"</p> + + <p>"YES, I THINK SO."</p> + + <p>"I'M MUCH OBLIGED. MY FRIEND'S UP FROM THE COUNTRY AND + HE'S NEVER SEEN ONE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Light Repast.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Under existing conditions, it is the duty of every + citizen to confine his present consumption to an average of + six matches a day, which with careful economy ought to + suffice for all reasonable meals during the present + emergency."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At Leeds Assizes yesterday sentences were passed by Mr. + Justice Boche ..."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Does not this almost amount to contempt of court?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From a speech by the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"That would he a crying evil, to leave the poor people + in the city without milk. It would be a wise thing if the + Corporation would take the bull by the horns and deal with + the matter."—<i>Dublin Evening Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It might be still wiser to tackle the cow at the udder + end.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE INCORRUPTIBLES.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Herr SCHÄFF, writing in the <i>Tägliche + Rundschau</i> on the spiritual grandeur of Germany, + declares that the degradation of her enemies will not + prevent her doing honour to those dauntless men who in + enemy and neutral countries have stood for truth and + actualities. "The time will come when we shall mention + their names and call them our friends. After the War we + shall do homage to these men and to their incorruptible + conduct. We shall erect monumental brasses in their honour. + They are heroes, and their memories shall be + consecrated."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A literary spokesman of the Huns</p> + + <p>Pays liberal homage to those "dauntless" sons</p> + + <p>Of hostile nations, who have all along</p> + + <p>Maintained their fellow-countrymen were wrong.</p> + + <p>No guerdon for their courage is too great,</p> + + <p>But, till the War is ended, they must wait;</p> + + <p>Then shall Germania, with grateful soul,</p> + + <p>Inscribe their names upon her golden roll;</p> + + <p>And "monumental brasses" shall attest</p> + + <p>The zeal wherewith they strove to foul their + nest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such homage no one grudges them in lands</p> + + <p>Where eulogy for deep damnation stands;</p> + + <p>But in the Motherland they still infest</p> + + <p>How shall we treat this matricidal pest?</p> + + <p>No torture, not the worst their patrons use</p> + + <p>On starving women or on shipwrecked crews,</p> + + <p>No pain however bitter would requite</p> + + <p>Their transcendental infamy aright.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Death in whatever form were all too mild</p> + + <p>For those who at their country's anguish smiled.</p> + + <p>Oblivion is by far the bitterest woe</p> + + <p>England's professional revilers know,</p> + + <p>Who joyously submit to be abhorred</p> + + <p>But suffer grinding torments if ignored.</p> + + <p>So let them live, renounced by their own sons,</p> + + <p>And taste the amnesty that spares and shuns.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mrs. J.M. B—— (<i>née</i> Nurse + ——), a son."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Nurses, like poets, are born, not made.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page396" + id="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span> + + <h2>THE PLAY'S THE THING.</h2> + + <p>Just outside Mrs. Ropes' drive gates there lies a famous and + exclusive golf course, and when she turned her house into a + Convalescent Home the secretary wrote offering the hospitality + of the club to all officers who might come under her care.</p> + + <p>Nevertheless, when Haynes and I first arrived, we were both + too languid and feeble for any more exacting form of athletics + than spillikins and jigsaws, and it was some time before the + M.O. gave us permission to go on the links.</p> + + <p>"And remember," he added, "gently to begin with. Stop at the + thirteenth hole."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Of course," I said apologetically to Haynes as we neared + the club-house, "I was pretty putrid before the War, so I shall + be simply indescribable now."</p> + + <p>"My dear chap, this isn't going to be a match. Keep your + excuses till we play serious golf. To-day's just a gentle knock + round. Here we are. I'll go and borrow some clubs; you get a + couple of caddies."</p> + + <p>Five minutes later he rejoined me, carrying two sets of + clubs.</p> + + <p>"Hallo!" he remarked in surprise. "I didn't know you'd + brought your family. Introduce me."</p> + + <p>"Mabel," I said, "and Lucy—our caddies."</p> + + <p>"Girls?"</p> + + <p>"They have that appearance. Why not?"</p> + + <p>"They'll cramp my style horribly; I like to be free."</p> + + <p>"Can't you be free in French for once?"</p> + + <p>"Most unsatisfying. Why didn't you get boys?"</p> + + <p>"The caddy-master says (<i>a</i>) girls are better; + (<i>b</i>) he has no boys; (<i>c</i>) all the boys he has are + booked by plutocrats with season tickets."</p> + + <p>"Oh, all right. Here are your clubs—the pro. gave me + the only two sets he had available. You're a bit taller than I + am, so I've given you the long ones."</p> + + <p>I looked at them critically.</p> + + <p>"Doesn't a pair of stilts go with them?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Well, mine are worse. Just a bundle of toothpicks. Here, + catch hold, Lucy."</p> + + <p>Mabel teed up for me. I selected a driver about the length + of a telegraph pole and swept my ball away. It stopped just + short of the first bunker.</p> + + <p>Haynes bent himself double to address his ball, but + straightened up while swinging and missed it by a foot. At the + second attempt he hooked it over square-leg's head on to the + fairway of the eighteenth hole.</p> + + <p>"<i>Sacré bleu!</i>" he said with very fair freedom, + "I'm not going all that way after it. Lucy, run and fetch it, + there's a dear."</p> + + <p>Lucy, highly scandalized at the idea of losing a hole so + tamely, started off; Mabel and Haynes and I went after my + ball.</p> + + <p>I took the mashie, because I distrusted my ability to carry + the bunker with another telegraph pole. That mashie would have + been about the right length for me if I could have stood on a + chair while making my stroke. As it was it entered the ground + two feet behind the ball and emerged, with a superb divot, just + in front.</p> + + <p>"Aren't there <i>any</i> short clubs in the bag, Mabel?" I + asked. She handed me a straight-faced putter ...</p> + + <p>Five strokes later I picked my ball up out of the + bunker.</p> + + <p>"I'm over-exerting myself," I said. "We'll call that hole a + half."</p> + + <p>Neither of us was satisfied with his tee shot at the next + hole. I picked my ball out of a gorse-bush, and Haynes rescued + his from a drain. Then we strolled amicably towards the third + tee. Our caddies, unused to such methods, followed + reluctantly.</p> + + <p>"Was that 'ole 'alved, too, Sir?" piped Mabel with anxious + interest.</p> + + <p>"It's a nice point. I hardly know. Why?"</p> + + <p>She hung her head and blushed. A sudden suspicion struck + me.</p> + + <p>"Mabel," I said sternly, "are you—<i>can</i> you + be—<i>betting</i> on this game?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," she answered with a touch of defiance. "Boys + always does."</p> + + <p>I told Haynes, who appeared profoundly shocked.</p> + + <p>"Good G——! I mean, <i>Mon dieu!</i>" he + exclaimed. "What are we doing?"</p> + + <p>"Surely you can't hold us responsible? The child's parents + ..."</p> + + <p>"I don't mean <i>that</i>, you ass. Here we have the + innocent public putting its money on our play, and we're + treating the whole thing as a joke. This has got to be a match, + after all. A woman's fortune hangs upon the issue—doesn't + it, Lucy?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," she answered without comprehension.</p> + + <p>From this point the game became a grim struggle. I won the + third hole in seventeen, but Haynes took the fourth in nineteen + to my twenty-two.</p> + + <p>At the fifth I noticed a pond guarding the green. I + carefully circumvented this with my faithful putter and holed + out in my smallest score of the round so far.</p> + + <p>"Hi!" shouted Haynes. "How many?" He had been having a + little hockey practice by himself in the rough, and was now + preparing to play an approach shot across the pond.</p> + + <p>"Twelve!"</p> + + <p>"Then I've this for the hole," he yelled, and topped his + ball gently into the water ...</p> + + <p>So it went on—what the papers call a ding-dong + struggle. Suffice it to say that at the twelfth I was dormy one + and in a state of partial collapse.</p> + + <p>The thirteenth is a short hole. You drive from a kind of + pulpit, and the green is below you, protected by large + stiff-backed bunkers like pews.</p> + + <p>"Last hole, thank Heaven," panted Haynes. "I couldn't bear + much more. I'm all of a dither as it is."</p> + + <p>Mabel, twittering with excitement, teed up. I looked at the + green lying invitingly below and took that gigantic putter. The + ball, struck with all my little remaining strength, flew + straight towards the biggest bunker, scored a direct hit on the + top of it, bounced high in the air—and trickled on to the + green.</p> + + <p>Haynes invoked the Deity (even at that stressful moment, to + his eternal credit, in French) and took his miniature driver. + His ball, hit much too hard, pitched in the same bunker, + crossed it, climbed up the face of it, and joined mine on the + green. Utterly unnerved, we toddled down and took our putts. + Haynes, through sheer luck (as he admits), laid his ball stone + dead; I had a brain-storm and over-ran the hole, leaving myself + a thirty-foot putt for the match. I took long and careful aim, + but my hands were shaking pitifully. The ball started on a + grotesquely wrong line, turned on a rise in the ground, + cannoned off a worm-cast and plopped into the tin. Mabel gave a + shriek of joy, and Lucy—well, I regret to say that Lucy + made use of a terse expression the French equivalent of which + her employer had been at great pains to remember. Haynes and I + lay flat on the ground, overcome as much by emotion as by our + physical weakness.</p> + + <p>At last I struggled to a sitting posture.</p> + + <p>"Mabel," I croaked, "I shall want at least ten per cent. + commission for that. How much have you won?"</p> + + <p>"Please, Sir," she cooed happily, "a 'a'p'ny, Sir."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MERRY WIDOW (grass).</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mother's help, to assist lady; husband away; happy + home."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A St. Cleather man, who had planted a wastrel, is to be + invited to attend the next meeting."—<i>Western + Morning News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Surely they don't want the wastrel dug up again.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page397" + id="page397"></a>[pg 397]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/397.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/397.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>FRATERNISING AT THE FRONT.</h3> + + <p><i>Nervous Tommy</i> (<i>on outpost duty for the first + time</i>). "'OO GOES THERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Bosch Scout</i>. "FRIEND."</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "ADVANCE AN' BE RECONCILED."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A NEW USE FOR LATIN.</h2> + + <h3>BY OUR CLASSICAL EXPERT.</h3> + + <p>"Greek is in the last ditch," writes Sir HENRY NEWBOLT in + his <i>New Study of English Poetry</i>; "Latin is trembling at + sight of the thin edge of the wedge." Still a hope of saving + Latin—within limits—yet remains, if the appeal of + "Kismet" in <i>The Spectator</i> meets with a sympathetic + response. He asks the readers of that journal "to render into + Latin in two or three words the old cricket adjuration, 'Play + the game.'" He has already had some suggestions, including + "<i>Lude ludum</i>," from "an eminent scholar," but, like the + late Mr. TOOLE in one of his most famous songs, still he is not + happy.</p> + + <p>In rendering colloquial phrases into the lapidary style of + ancient Rome, I confess it is often hard to improve on the + brevity of the vernacular, though the admonition "to keep your + end up" can be condensed from four words to two in "<i>sursum + cauda</i>." Again the familiar eulogy, "Stout fellow," can be + rendered in a single word by the Virgilian epithet + "<i>bellipotens</i>." A distinguished Latinist recalls in this + context the sentiment of the writer, Pomponius + Caninus:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Rebus in adversis comitem sors prospera + pinguem</i></p> + + <p><i>Det mihi.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And to the same authority I am indebted for the following + version of "Don't speak to the man at the wheel:"—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>O silete, circumstantes</i></p> + + <p><i>Nautas rotam operantes.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Though Latin is tottering at our schools it occasionally + pops up in unexpected places. For example, not very long ago I + heard a popular comedian introduce his family motto and + translate it for the benefit of a music-hall audience. Latin + quotations, even from HORACE, have gone out of fashion in the + Houses of Parliament. Perhaps they will revive on the stage. + The unfair preference for Greek shown by doctors in the + nomenclature of disease is perhaps to be explained by the value + of unintelligibility. Did not DAN O'CONNELL, in his famous + vituperative contest with a Dublin washer-woman, triumph in the + long-run by calling her an unprincipled parallelopiped?</p> + + <p>Meanwhile I appeal to the Editor of <i>The Westminster + Gazette</i>, who, in his Saturday edition, has done so much to + maintain the practice of classical composition, to offer a + prize in one of his periodical competitions for the best Latin + version, of "to buck up," "to stick it out," "a bit thick," + "talking through one's hat," "I don't think," "blighter," + "rotter," and "not 'arf."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Ecclesiastical Intelligence.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Zangwill (the Chief Rabbi) also + spoke."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Following the appointment (recently announced by Mr. Punch) + of Mr. H.G. WELLS as Chaplain to the Forces.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a cattle-auction advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"NOTE.—Pigs and Calves are requested to be forward + by 11 o'clock."—<i>Kirkendbrightshire + Advertiser</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Vive la politesse!</i></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The hereditary privilege of remaining covered in the + presence of the Monarch was granted by Henry VIII. to John + Forester of Watling Street, in + 1570."—<i>Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We wonder what GOOD QUEEN BESS thought about this posthumous + interference on the part of her papa.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S latest novel:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It was, indeed, something of an achievement to get on + terms of confidence with those alien children ... many of + whom had acquired a precocious suspicion of Greeks bearing + gifts. That sense of <i>caveat donor</i> was perhaps their + most pathetic characteristic."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Timeo Danaos et dona accipientes! Which may be roughly + rendered: "I suspect TINO, even when he's in receipt of a + subsidy."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page398" + id="page398"></a>[pg 398]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/398.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/398.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"WELL. IT'S TIME WE WERE OFF. BUT—PARDON ME, MRS. + GOLDBERG—DO YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO WEAR SO MANY + PEARLS AT AN ECONOMY MEETING?"</p> + + <p>"ALL RIGHT. I WON'T IF YOU THINK NOT. BUT AS A MATTER OF + FACT THEY <i>ARE</i> AN ECONOMY. YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND IS + PUTTIN' HIS MONEY IN PEARLS TO SAVE INCOME-TAX."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LAVENDER.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy + Thought;</p> + + <p>I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly + sort;</p> + + <p>And once I 'eld gerani-ums was grander than the + rest,</p> + + <p>But now I likes the lavender, the simple-lookin' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">A little bit o' lavender the best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My mate 'e'd been a gardener; 'is roses wasn't + beat;</p> + + <p>'Is marrers was a marvel and 'is strorberries a + treat;</p> + + <p>But w'en 'e leave 'is corliflow'rs an' lettuce to + enlist,</p> + + <p>'E said it was the lavender, 'is blinkin' bit o' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">A silly patch o' lavender 'e missed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In France I used to foller 'im to gather up the + bits;</p> + + <p>'E "'adn't 'eard" o' snipers and 'e "wasn't 'eedin'" + Fritz;</p> + + <p>Till in a slip o' garden by the Convent 'e was + copped,</p> + + <p>And dahn among the lavender, the trodden sodden + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">The bloody muddy lavender 'e dropped.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A job it was to fix 'im up and do a double bunk,</p> + + <p>But 'e was chattin' casual while I was oozin' + funk;</p> + + <p>'E yarned abaht the bits o' things 'e used to see at + Kew,</p> + + <p>An' told me of the lavender, the tidy lot of + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">The leagues an' leagues o' lavender 'e + grew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They book 'im through to Blighty and 'e drop a line + from 'ome,</p> + + <p>Comparin' clay in Flanders with the proper British + loam;</p> + + <p>"An' w'en you gets yer seven days, you come along + an' see</p> + + <p>The roses an' the lavender, the lavender, the + lavender ...</p> + + <p class="i4">You oughter see the lavender!" says + 'e.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My mate 'e 'ad a sister, w'ich I didn't even + guess</p> + + <p>Till I was at the wicker-gate an' see 'er cotton + dress;</p> + + <p>'Er face was sweet as summer-time an' pretty as a + tune;</p> + + <p>'Er eyes was like the lavender, the blue bewitchin' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">As lovely as the lavender in June.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She bid me welcome kindly, an' as quiet as you + please,</p> + + <p>An' fust we talk o' battlefields an' then we talk o' + bees;</p> + + <p>But, though the 'olly'ocks was aht an' all the roses + red,</p> + + <p>I only see the lavender, the patch o' purple + lavender;</p> + + <p class="i4">"I'm pleased you likes the lavender," she + said.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy + Thought;</p> + + <p>I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly + sort;</p> + + <p>An' once I 'eld gerani-ums was gayer than the + rest,</p> + + <p>But now I likes the lavender, a little sprig o' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">I likes a bit o' lavender the best.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Infant Prodigy.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir Frederick Smith, the Attorney-General, is 5, but + does not look it for he keeps a full thatch and a fresh + complexion, and has features so softly contoured that as a + baby he must have been the pride of the + family."—<i>Yorkshire Evening Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Asia in Europe.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Serbia has been crushed, and, with the exception of + Salonika and the regions temporarily held by the British in + Palestine and Mesopotamia, Germany holds command of Middle + Europe.</p> + + <p>"That becomes quite obvious when one looks at the + map."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD in "The Sunday + Chronicle."</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page399" + id="page399"></a>[pg 399]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/399.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/399.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BETRAYED.</h3>THE PANDER. "COME ON; COME AND BE KISSED + BY HIM." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page400" + id="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/400-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/400-1.png" + alt="" /></a>A STORY LACKING CONFIRMATION. + </div> + + <p><i>Monday, December 3rd.</i>—No further publicity is + to be given to Lord LANSDOWNE'S letter if the Government can + help it. But the author is not to be prosecuted and the rumour + that Lansdowne House has been raided by the police and its + noble owner's type writer confiscated lacks confirmation.</p> + + <p>A long and complicated answer by Mr. CLYNES, describing and + defending the new sugar-cards, was not altogether satisfying. + Sir F. BANBURY'S inquiry, "Does the hon. gentleman think that + anybody will get any sugar after this?" was prompted, no doubt, + by anxiety for the future of his famous cakes; but it expressed + the general doubt.</p> + + <p>Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has hitherto stoutly denied that the + Allies have given ex-KING CONSTANTINE a retiring allowance, + admitted that the Greek Government might make him some payment, + and that the Allies furnished Greece with money. In other + words, Greece has given TINO a penny to play in the next + street, and the Allies have lent her the penny.</p> + + <p>Asked by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT whether the labour expended on + fitting gas-bags to motor cars could not be more usefully + employed, the MINISTER OF NATIONAL SERVICE replied as follows: + "The questions involved in the use of gas-bags, <i>including + that raised by the hon. Member</i>, are being considered." And + Mr. LAMBERT is now wondering whether Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES + intended to be personal.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, December 4th.</i>—In answer to a question + as to what steps the Board of Agriculture was taking to replant + districts denuded of trees, Sir RICHARD WINFREY replied that + "surplus nursery stock" would be transplanted by "gangs of + women." Evidently surprised by the laughter which followed, he + whispered to his neighbour, "Have I said anything very + funny?"</p> + + <p>At the end of a long catechism by Mr. KING regarding the + literature issued by the War Aims Committee, Mr. OUTHWAITE + inquired if it could be sent to Members of the House. Major + GUEST was quite ready to oblige. In his opinion some Members, + including Mr. OUTHWAITE himself, would be much the better for + its perusal.</p> + + <p>Mr. PRATT is about the last Minister whom I should have + suspected of cynicism, but I have my doubts about him now. By + his admission the British Pharmacopoeia (war edition) contains + "Glycerins devoid of glycerin and syrups free from sugar." + "But," he added, "it does not materially lessen their value as + medicines."</p> + + <p>Upon the House being asked to recommit the Representation of + the People's Bill in respect of the provisions dealing with + conscientious objectors and redistribution in Ireland, Mr. + REDMOND, naturally anxious lest the House should imagine that + Ireland's objection to military service was conscientious, + requested the SPEAKER to divide the debate into water-tight + compartments. No artificial restraints, however, could keep Mr. + HEALY within bounds. He ranged at large over Irish history, and + declared that the decision to impose on Ireland a (more or + less) equitable system of representation was an outrage only to + be compared with the breach of the Treaty of Limerick.</p> + + <p>As a humourist on this occasion Mr. HEALY had to yield the + palm to a colleague. The CHIEF SECRETARY incidentally referred + to the arrangement that no contentious business should be taken + during the War. "Except by agreement," interjected Mr. + NUGENT.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/400-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/400-2.png" + alt="" /></a>SUGARLESS BANBURY CAKES. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, December 5th.</i>—Not long ago Lord + ROBERT CECIL referred to a rumour that the German Government + intended to encourage polygamy. Mr. KING, shocked to discover + that this charge rested upon a statement in a neutral + newspaper, protested against the practice of making speeches + "on such miserable foundations." As the bulk of the hon. + Member's own utterances have a similar basis the retort was + almost too obvious; and Mr. BALFOUR in making it must have felt + as if he had shot his bird sitting.</p> + + <p>The courage of the hero who took up the challenge: "Whoever + shall these boots displace, must meet Bombastes face to face," + was comparatively nothing to that of Mr. H.W. FORSTER, who in + the interests of economy has promised to limit the height of + women's boots. There will be much stamping of lofty heels at + this ukase. Sir JOHN REES thought another order lengthening + skirts was the logical corollary, and so it is if the + Government really want "to make both ends meet." But Mr. + FORSTER showed no disposition to embark upon petticoat + government.</p> + + <p>Irish Nationalists worked themselves into seven different + kinds of fury over the decision of the Government to apply the + rules of arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in their + beloved country. Mr. DILLON threatened the House with the + possibility that at the next General Election he and his + colleagues might be wiped out of existence. Scared by this + awful prospect so many Liberals voted against the closure that + the Government only escaped defeat by 29.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, December 6th.</i>—The prospect of an + all-night sitting rendered the House unusually irritable. Mr. + HEALY fulminated at Sir E. CARSON (who was not present) in + language that reminded Colonel SHARMAN-CRAWFORD of "a low + police-court." Mr. DILLON'S high top note was ceaselessly + employed in emitting adjectives more remarkable, as Mr. BONAR + LAW icily observed, for their strength than for their novelty. + At one time it looked as if there was to be a first-class Irish + row. But wiser counsels ultimately prevailed. The House as a + whole was in no mood for protracted discussion in which + non-Irish moonlighters might participate.</p> + + <p>At last there is hope that the instructions of the + FOOD-CONTROLLER will have some practical result. To-day in + reply to a question Mr. CLYNES said, "The order about to be + issued will contain provisions ..." Ah! if it only will.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page401" + id="page401"></a>[pg 401]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/401.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/401.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EVIDENCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Officer</i>. "NOW, SERGEANT-MAJOR, WHAT MAKES YOU + THINK THIS MAN WAS DRUNK?"</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant-Major</i>. "SIR, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH, + WHEN I MET THE ACCUSED, 'E RAISED 'IS 'AT, ACCOMPANYING THE + MOTION WITH THE WORDS, 'GOOD EVENIN', BLUE BEARD!'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LOST LEADER.</h2> + + <p>The Hillsbury Company of the 2nd Battalion of the Lastshire + Volunteers were being inspected for efficiency by a Captain of + the Grenadier Guards, who had graciously come down and devoted + his Sunday afternoon to this purpose. Forty "A" men had obeyed + their country's call and turned up on parade, and among the + officers was Alfred Herbert, who was a second-lieutenant of the + mature age of fifty. He was enthusiastic, but a slow learner, + always confusing himself and his men. Still, he was obviously + doing his best, and the men forgave him and did <i>their</i> + best to cover up his faults.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Herbert," said the inspecting officer sharply, "be good + enough to take the company out and move them about for a few + minutes."</p> + + <p>Herbert's heart began to beat at the double. He had known + that this ordeal might come, but he had hoped against hope + that, if he made himself small and meek, he would be + overlooked. All was in vain; his time had come. "Drill them as + a company of two platoons," said the stern Guardsman.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said Herbert. "Shall I—"</p> + + <p>"Take them out at once, Sir. We have no time to waste."</p> + + <p>It was at this moment that Herbert's first dream, or I + should rather say the first phase of his treble dream, began. + He dreamt that he called the company to attention, caused them + to slope arms, and moved them to the right in fours.</p> + + <p>So far so good.</p> + + <p>Now they were in columns of fours and marching gaily.</p> + + <p>"This is a good dream," thought Herbert. "I will get them + into line. On the right, form company!" he shouted at the top + of his voice.</p> + + <p>He had done it. He had got the rear rank in front, and this + is a terrible state of affairs, leading to the most frightful + complications—at any rate in the Lastshire + Volunteers.</p> + + <p>"Move to the right in fours!" he commanded; and then the + trouble began.</p> + + <p>In less than half a minute, forty deserving men, including + N.C.O.'s, were tied up into a series of terrifically + complicated knots, in the midst of which the Company + Sergeant-Major bobbed about, an angry cork on a stormy ocean of + desperate men.</p> + + <p>"Very good, Mr. Herbert, oh, very good indeed," said the + Inspecting Officer.</p> + + <p>At this point Herbert passed into his second phase and + dreamed that it was all a dream.</p> + + <p>But the question remained: what was he to do?</p> + + <p>"Double!" he shouted, and himself gave the example. And as + he ran he passed into his third phase and dreamed it was all + true; and he woke up with a start at the orderly room, and + found that it <i>was</i> true.</p> + + <p>That very evening he resigned his commission, "owing," as he + wrote, "to an incurable habit of getting the rear rank in + front."</p> + + <p>What happened to the men I cannot say with certainty. I + think they are still struggling.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page402" + id="page402"></a>[pg 402]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/402.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/402.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Physical Exercise Instructor</i>. "'ERE, YOU! WHAT + THE DEUCE ARE YOU LARFING AT?"</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. "OH, SERGEANT, I—I WAS THINKING + WHAT PRICELESS BALLY ASSES WE MUST LOOK!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY.</h2> + + <h3>ON THE DANGER OF POPULARITY.</h3> + + <p><i>The Ballybun Binnacle</i> has ceased publication—I + hope temporarily, for I have had to fall back on <i>The + Times</i>. The latter is the better paper for wrapping things + in, and they seem to use a good kind of ink which does not come + off on the butter, but it's a bit weak on its advertising side. + It was O'Mullins across the road who pointed this out to me + first. He had, he says, an advertisement a whole week in <i>The + Times</i> for a total abstainer to make himself otherwise + useful and to mend his stable door; but no apparent notice was + taken of it. The same advertisement had not been a couple of + hours in <i>The Binnacle</i> before three tinkers tried to + steal his horse.</p> + + <p>I have heard people speak well of the editorials in our + chief London rival, but they are not thought much of in + Ballybun; they haven't the flavour. Our paper used to be + strongly political, but the increase in the number of + subscribers did not pay for the libel actions, and so of late + we have been cultivating an open mind and advertisements. It is + true that even so it was impossible for Casey, our editor, to + steer wholly clear of vexed political questions, but his latest + manner was admirably statesmanlike. He would summarise the + opposing views of our eight or nine parties and then state + boldly that he agreed with most of them, and as for the rest he + would not shrink to declare, in the face of the world if + necessary, that they were full of an intellectual Zeitgeist, + unfortunately only too sporadic. He would then sum up by + drawing attention to the bargain sale of white goods at the + Ballybun Emporium. Everybody liked this, and the Ballybun Bon + Marché would send in its advertisement for our next + week's issue.</p> + + <p><i>The Binnacle</i> has ceased publication, of course, + before. When the editor took his summer holiday or went to a + friend's wedding in the country he would often leave the + bringing of it out to his staff. The latter used normally to + edit the sporting and fashionable columns and was called + Flannagan, but had only one eye and was somewhat eccentric. + Flannagan couldn't be bothered sometimes and sometimes he would + go fishing. Still, although the paper would not come out just + when we expected, Flannagan might relent and bring it out two + or three days later, and at all events he always told us the + news whenever he met us in the street.</p> + + <p>Thus we could not strictly say that we had no local + newspaper. But now, I fear, the case is altered, and <i>The + Binnacle</i> has been killed solely by its own popularity.</p> + + <p>It doesn't do for an editor to be too popular. People used + to drop in on Casey at all hours of the day and lend a hand and + smoke his tobacco and try to borrow money. His sanctum became + the fashionable lounge of the Ballybun <i>élite</i>. A + great gap was caused in the front of the paper amongst the best + paying advertisements by Kelly's trying to clean his pipe with + part of the linotype machine. Casey noticed this, and further + attributed the matter to the Censor, whom he attacked + vigorously in a leading article for trying to throttle the + safety-valve of trade by inoculating the thin end of the wedge; + he will do this again, he added, at his own peril. He also told + Kelly the same.</p> + + <p>As our respected Member of Parliament is hanging tenaciously + on to life, and we could not very well invite him to create a + vacancy, we were at a loss how to mark our esteem for our + popular editor in a practical manner. Casey himself suggested a + testimonial. His friends, however, said that nothing sordid + should ever enter into the feelings with which they regarded + him, and decided finally on electing him to the second highest + office a layman in our part can hope to hold. He was elected + Judge—"unanimously," as he put it, "by 29 to 3"—and + the race meeting came off last week. We hate to hold it in + war-time, but the breed of horses and bookies must be kept up. + Even the bed-ridden took a day off and trooped to it.</p> + + <p>Picture the feelings of the crowd when Casey merged the + judge into the editor and kept declaring race after race a dead + heat. They rose at him as one man and clamoured for souvenirs. + What was left of Casey shook the dust + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page403" + id="page403"></a>[pg 403]</span> of Ballybun off his feet, + while our impulsive patriots were smashing his office + furniture.</p> + + <p>This only proves what I have often maintained, that + popularity always makes a man unpopular in the long run. + Meanwhile <i>The Ballybun Binnacle</i> has ceased to appear, + but I see from <i>The Times</i> there has been a movement in + Berlin in favour of letting bygones be bygones.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BOOKS AND BOOKS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The last books of the Winter season are creeping out, + and some are important and some are not."—<i>Daily + Chronicle</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The last books of Winter,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some slim and some stout,</p> + + <p>From the hands of the printer</p> + + <p class="i2">Are now "creeping out";</p> + + <p>And it's helpful to learn from</p> + + <p class="i2">A man on the spot</p> + + <p>That some are important</p> + + <p class="i2">And others are not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet the conviction</p> + + <p class="i2">Expressed in this guise</p> + + <p>In the matter of fiction</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd like to revise;</p> + + <p>For of the romances</p> + + <p class="i2">Unceasingly shot</p> + + <p>From the press, most are piffle</p> + + <p class="i2">And very few not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From minstrelsy's <i>mêlée</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Its foam and its surge,</p> + + <p>A Keats or a Shelley</p> + + <p class="i2">May haply emerge;</p> + + <p>Or there may be a Tupper</p> + + <p class="i2">To leaven the lot—</p> + + <p>Some bards are immortal</p> + + <p class="i2">And others are not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We're certain to meet with—</p> + + <p class="i2">The stock never fails—</p> + + <p>Some Memoirs replete with</p> + + <p class="i2">Fatiguing details;</p> + + <p>But the chance isn't great of</p> + + <p class="i2">A Lockhart and Scott,</p> + + <p>Or a Boswell and Johnson—</p> + + <p class="i2">No, certainly not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some prophet whose coming</p> + + <p class="i2">Is yet undivined</p> + + <p>May set the world humming</p> + + <p class="i2">And stagger mankind;</p> + + <p>It may be a Darwin</p> + + <p class="i2">Some publisher's got</p> + + <p>Up his sleeve, or it may be</p> + + <p class="i2">Some one who is not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There may be some clinkers</p> + + <p class="i2">Now "creeping" to light,</p> + + <p>Tremendous deep thinkers</p> + + <p class="i2">Or high in their flight;</p> + + <p>There may be diffusers</p> + + <p class="i2">Of air that is hot;</p> + + <p>There may be a Bergson,</p> + + <p class="i2">Again there may not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though the publishing season</p> + + <p class="i2">Is now on the wane,</p> + + <p>This isn't a reason</p> + + <p class="i2">Why we should complain;</p> + + <p>For the view of the expert—</p> + + <p class="i2">His "i's" when we dot—</p> + + <p>Is that some books are useful,</p> + + <p class="i2">But most of them rot.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/403.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/403.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>playfully</i>). "WHAT—HAVEN'T + YOU FINISHED YET?"</p> + + <p><i>Sandy</i> (<i>regarding cake, from which he has been + told to help himself</i>). "AH, BUT YE KEN, A CAKE O' THIS + SIZE ISNA SAE SOON EATEN AS YE MAY THENK."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From the report of a speech by the Chief Justice of New + Zealand:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"His Excellency the Governor may make any conditions he + pleases. In fact it is a case of 'Hoc volo sic jubes; sit + pro ratione valunters.' I do not think the word can be read + in that wide sense."—<i>New Zealand Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Nor do we.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"INDIAN DEFENCE FORCE ORDERS. CALCUTTA + SOTTISH."—<i>The Empire</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Defendant was fined 20s. for the abusive language + which, said the Chairman, was the worst the Magistrates had + ever seen."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Or even tasted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Antiques are the 'best sellers' at all bazaars, and one + meets hunters of them all over the country. I hear of Mrs. + —— engaged on the chase at Bath for her charity + scheme. The Duchess of —— was there, too, + taking the waters."—<i>Daily Mirror</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Some of our collectors will stop at nothing.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page404" + id="page404"></a>[pg 404]</span> + + <h2>ART TO THE RESCUE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/404-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/404-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>No means to get people to invest in War Bonds can be + seriously objected to; but I must confess that when, on a + railway station hoarding, I caught sight of a poster + representing WHISTLER'S famous portrait of his mother, with the + words, "Old Age is Coming," printed across it, beneath an + appeal to the public to be prudent about the future by buying + Government stock now, I experienced a jolt. Because this + picture has always been one of the sacred things, and to see it + again was a necessary part of any visit to Paris. As to the + shock which the sight would have caused the painter, were he + alive to-day, the pen prefers to say little. Even with three + patriotic motives to control him—for he was American by + birth, French by sympathy, and English by + residence—WHISTLER must have delivered his mind. That he + would consider this anything but a gentle art of breaking + enemies, is certain; nor can I see him holding his peace about + it.</p> + + <p>Personally, however, I got over my own sense of the outrage + very quickly. For the new War Bonds must succeed, and the end + justifies the means, however desperate—that is how I + looked at it, and therefore, instead of maintaining an attitude + of preciosity, I began to wonder how I could assist the + authorities (who had dared to bend the Butterfly to their + purpose) to further useful acts of vandalism. Nothing should, I + determined, stand in my way. Where they were merely "hairy," I + would be absolutely bald-headed. Hence, if there is anything in + the suggestions that follow which may set the teeth of the + reverent on edge, it must be attributed to honest zeal. All + that I want is for the Kennedy-Jones of the movement to lift + Art from her pedestal for a few days only—in the + interests of the Allies and to the lasting detriment of + Germany—and then replace her. But there is no need to + trouble about the replacing. That will be automatic.</p> + + <p>Beginning with the postulate that War's sinews must be + forthcoming, or HAIG and BYNG will batter at the Hun to + insufficient purpose, we can do anything. Let then, I say, all + the artists be conscripted, whether old masters or young. The + façade of the National Gallery is to-day one vast + hoarding advertising the progress of the Loan; let us go inside + and levy upon its treasures too. A few pictorial suggestions + will be found on this page; others will occur to its + habitués, and doubtless the Trustees (although Lord + LANSDOWNE is one) will be only too glad to fall in with the + project.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/404-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/404-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>BURNE-JONES'S "Cophetua and the Beggar Maid" hangs, for + instance, in the National Gallery—temporarily borrowed + from the Tate—at this moment. It would make a good piece + of propaganda. "Why is the maid a beggar?" "Because her parents + had not provided against the future by provident and patriotic + speculation." Close by hangs, also on loan from the Tate, CECIL + LAWSON'S "Harvest Moon." "Why on this most favourable of nights + is there no raid?" "Because the success of the War Bonds + brought about Germany's surrender." After the authorities' most + admirable and desirable way with WHISTLER'S mother, you can do + anything and should do anything. That is my point.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/404-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/404-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>And not only the National Gallery, but the galleries of + France and Italy, and even Germany herself. Perhaps Germany + first of all, for there would be a piquancy in thus employing + the cherished possessions of the foe. Could not something be + done, for example, with the famous wax bust, the glory of the + Kaiser Friedrich Collection, into which LEONARDO DA VINCI, as a + finishing touch, crammed an early Victorian waistcoat before + delivering the masterpiece to its owner? A really ingenious + organiser should be able to make telling use of that, perhaps + with a play on the word "investment." But meanwhile LEONARDO + would, I am sure, be only too willing to suppress his sensitive + feelings and assist his fellow-countrymen in their stand on the + Piave by contributing "Monna Lisa." Some such words as these + would serve: "Why is she smiling that satisfied smile?" + "Because she has bought a nice little packet of War Bonds and + thus insured a comfortable old age." At the same time TITIAN + could help to save his Venice by lending the "Venus" from the + Uffizi. "Why is this lady so naked?" "Because she neglected to + invest in War Bonds, and thus had nothing with which to buy + clothes later on." Or, if a French or English picture were + preferred, INGRES' "La Source," from the Louvre, or LEIGHTON'S + "Bath of Psyche" from the National Gallery, could be used with + the same touching legend. But I feel that TITIAN should have + the first chance. And there are living painters too who would + come in. Our own old master—AUGUSTUS JOHN (who is now, I + am told, a major)—would, no doubt, be delighted to lend + the hoardings one of the pictures from his exhibition now in + progress. The portrait of Mr. G.B. SHAW, for example, in which + the eyes of the great seer are closed. "Why is this old + gentleman not looking at you?" "Because he is afraid you may + not have bought any War Bonds and he can't bear to see anything + unpatriotic."</p> + + <p>But enough has been said. The National War Bonds must be + sold, and Art must help, and no one must wince.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page405" + id="page405"></a>[pg 405]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/405.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/405.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mother</i> (<i>in course of an arithmetic + lesson</i>). "WHAT IS HALF FOUR?"</p> + + <p><i>Daughter</i>. "TWO."</p> + + <p><i>Mother</i>. "AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HALF + FIVE?"</p> + + <p><i>Daughter</i>. "WELL, MUMMIE, IT DEPENDS WHICH HALF + YOU MEAN—THE TWO OR THE THREE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Many years ago, when I was younger and more optimistic than + to-day, I thought out what struck me as an adventure-story of + wonderful promise, and confided the plot to a friend, reputed + expert in such matters. He heard me with indulgent attention + and, when I had finished, "Capital," says he; "but do you + propose to differentiate it in <i>any</i> way from <i>Dead + Man's Rock?</i>" I am reminded of this ancient wound by the + appearance of a new buccaneering book by Sir ARTHUR + QUILLER-COUCH; and that not only on account of the name of the + author, but because when a tale of this kind begins in Bristol + Docks, with a company that includes an apprentice-hero, a + one-eyed sailor and a parrot of piratical past, it is + impossible not to recall <i>Treasure Island</i>. However this + may be, <i>Mortallone</i> soon attains a development quite + sufficiently original, with an island and a secret and a noble + store of buried treasure, all in doubloons and pieces of eight, + which is exactly how I prefer it. In short a capital yarn, + which did but confirm me in an old resolve that, were I ever + thinking of commencing pirate or starting any unlawful business + of the seas, I should avoid apprentices like the plague. The + second part of <i>Mortallone and Aunt Trinidad</i> (ARROWSMITH) + I found rather less satisfactory. Here a number of tales of the + Spanish Main are supposed to be told by a trio of withered + beldames whose youthful prime was spent as pirate queens. A + striking and novel approach; though my belief in it was + hindered by the discovery that these untutored crones not only + spoke but wrote an admirable, if slightly mannered, prose, akin + to that of STEVENSON or, say, Sir ARTHUR himself. But these be + the carpings of age; I am sure that no boy lucky enough to find + <i>Mortallone</i> among his Christmas presents will leave a + paragraph undevoured.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Dr. H. STUERMER is one of that small band of Germans who + have had the courage to denounce the policy and acts of their + Government. When the War began he joined the German army, + fought in the Masurian operations, was invalided out of the + army at the beginning of 1915, and thereupon became + correspondent in Constantinople of the <i>Kölnische + Zeitung</i>, in which capacity he acted until the end of 1916, + when his too great truthfulness proved distasteful to his + employers and he had to give up his place. Now he resides in + Switzerland and "makes use," he says, "of the opportunity ... + to range himself boldly on the side of truth, and show that + there are still Germans who find it impossible to condone, even + tacitly, the moral transgression and political stupidity of + their own and an allied Government." This is a big undertaking, + but Dr. STUERMER attacks it manfully in his book, <i>Two War + Years in Constantinople</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). He gives a + harrowing description of the sufferings of the Armenians, and + leaves no doubt that he considers Germany responsible for the + massacre of a nation. I advise those who desire first-hand + knowledge of the political schemes and ambitions of the Germans + and their Young Turkish friends to consult this book. It is a + mine of information.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL always packs his novels with sober + stuff and redeems them from any trace of dulness by the skill + with which he handles his theme, and by his + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page406" + id="page406"></a>[pg 406]</span> conscientious study not + only of his characters but of the details of his background. + That background in <i>The Dwelling-Place of Light</i> + (MACMILLAN) is an American cottonmill district with a mixed + alien population of operatives, and trouble brewing as the + result of a headstrong wage-cutting manager, <i>Claude + Ditmar</i>, in conflict with the I.W.W. The phases of this + grim struggle are most forcibly described, the author + holding no brief for either protagonist. And, if widower + <i>Ditmar</i>, man of iron, for whom the Chippering Mill is + his second and abiding mate, be no hero, <i>Janet</i>, his + typist, has the makings of a notable heroine. How this girl, + full of character and of passion bravely restrained, breaks + down the business preoccupation of her chief and how her + courage and steadfast honour convince him that the liaison + he promised himself will not suffice for honour or purified + desire—all this is finely told. It was, however, but a + faltering and slowly-growing conviction, and death claims + him before he can make amends for the wrong into which his + masterful pleading has betrayed her. I never quite precisely + gathered what was "the dwelling-place of light." Anyway it + wasn't the Chippering Mill ... But I was sorry when I + reached the four hundred and ninth and last of the + closely-set pages. Good measure for a book in war-time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Throughout a vagabond career that began in happiness on a + farm and finished, thankfully, amongst the fields, <i>Frank + Rainger</i> followed always the pathway of the broader + experience. Followed it so stoutly and was such good company on + the long road that whether it was high holiday at Cranbrook + Circus with <i>Maggie Coalbran</i>, or a fight for the hopeless + cause of the Southern States in shell-torn Vicksburg, or only + the keeping of eternal lazy summer with the peons of Yucatan, I + was altogether content to go humbly forward with him, convinced + that, as it was written, so and no otherwise should it be. Even + when he deservedly failed to become a shining light in the + literary firmament to which he aspired—an unheard-of + piece of audacity on the part of his authoress—I did not + rebel. Miss SHEILA KAYE SMITH has an essential clarity of + visualisation, a deep and still reserve of unforced pathos and + an exquisite sense of the haunting word, that combine with a + most competent alertness of movement to make her latest + artistic success, <i>The Challenge to Sirius</i> (NISBET), a + book for which I can hardly find adequate words of praise. Most + admirable of all, perhaps, is a strange faculty she has shown + for making one satisfied that her people should remain + perennially rather poor and unambitious and dull, and should + even grow old without occasioning us regret. With the deep + under-drift of the writer's philosophy one may not be + completely in accord, but certainly it will worry nobody, while + the unity and beauty of her methods hold one in willing bondage + from beginning to end. This is real literature, and everyone + should read it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Without any very exceptional gifts as a story-teller + Fleet-Surgeon T.T. JEANS, R.N., scores heavily off most writers + of boys' adventure tales by having actually lived the life he + describes. Here, for instance, in <i>A Naval Venture</i> + (BLACKIE) we do get the real thing, and boys would be + well-advised to sample it and see if it is not preferable to + the kind of adventurous fiction produced so prolifically for + their amusement. Not that this yarn is lacking in adventure; + indeed it is concerned with the Gallipoli campaign, from the + landings until the evacuation, and anything more adventurous it + would be hard to imagine. In reading this story of <i>The + Orphan, The Lamp-post, Bubbles, The Hun, Rawlins and The Pink + Rat</i>, one feels that the author actually knows these + "snotties," with their high courage, animal spirits and + elementary humour. It is in fact history spiced with fiction. + Of all the characters my vote goes to <i>Kaiser Bill</i>, for + although, being a tortoise, he performed no deeds of actual + gallantry, he carried good luck with him wherever he went. + Besides, his name might annoy the ALL-HIGHEST. Mr. JEANS made + an extremely good shot when he drew his bow at <i>A Naval + Venture</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>You would hardly believe what a remarkably unprincipled set + of persons make up the cast of Mr. WILLIAM CAINE'S newest + story. He calls them <i>Drones</i> (METHUEN), but that, I feel, + is a charitable understatement. There was <i>Eric + Wanstanley</i>, rising young sculptor, who, because he didn't + rise quickly enough, was capable of borrowing the savings of + his friend's parlourmaid to work a system at roulette. The + friend, <i>Austin Jenner</i>, was also an artist and also + rising. His little failing was concealment of the fact that he + was almost wholly supported by remittances furnished by his + hard-working brother. Incidentally he was engaged to + <i>Eric's</i> sister, but abandoned her without a qualm for the + beringed hand of one <i>Mrs. Meldrum</i>, a rich widow, known + as The B.Q. (Biscuit Queen). Need I say that <i>Mrs. + Meldrum</i>, moving in these circles, and with ambitions as an + art patroness, lived in Cheyne Walk? Indeed the setting of the + whole comedy is inevitably Chelsea. Having regard to the number + of bad hats among the <i>dramatis personæ</i>, you will + probably not be astonished to be told that their goings-on are + excellently entertaining; though I cannot but think that to + give both his leading lady and his <i>soubrette</i>, or Singing + Chambermaid, the handicap of morally deficient young brothers, + does look like laziness on the part of Mr. CAINE. Surely there + exist other avenues to calamity. But it's an amusing rogues' + comedy.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/406.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/406.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>UNPUBLISHED INCIDENTS IN ANCIENT HISTORY.</h3>PANOPEUS + EXPLAINS HIS MODEL AT THE WAR OFFICE, ATHENS, DURING THE + TROJAN WAR. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>For the Saving of Child-Life.</h3> + + <p>Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON will lecture on "How Dickens' tales came + true," on Friday, December 14th, at 3 o'clock, at 20, Arlington + Street (kindly lent by the Marchioness of Salisbury), in aid of + the Kentish Town Day Nursery. Tickets, £1 1<i>s.</i> + 0<i>d.</i>, 10<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>, 7<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>, may + be obtained from Countess GREY, of Chester Street, N.W.1.</p> +<br /> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11444 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11444-h/images/391.png b/11444-h/images/391.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b847c25 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/391.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/393.png b/11444-h/images/393.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73178e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/393.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/394.png b/11444-h/images/394.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf80af7 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/394.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/395.png b/11444-h/images/395.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..92c8c2b --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/395.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/397.png b/11444-h/images/397.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..047eeb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/397.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/398.png b/11444-h/images/398.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a54e04c --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/398.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/399.png b/11444-h/images/399.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b8fdbe3 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/399.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/400-1.png b/11444-h/images/400-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41e721b --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/400-1.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/400-2.png b/11444-h/images/400-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2dd250 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/400-2.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/401.png b/11444-h/images/401.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..33844d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/401.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/402.png b/11444-h/images/402.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b06c233 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/402.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/403.png b/11444-h/images/403.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..299ce93 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/403.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/404-1.png b/11444-h/images/404-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2f2bca --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/404-1.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/404-2.png b/11444-h/images/404-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..11dad9a --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/404-2.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/404-3.png b/11444-h/images/404-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..482360f --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/404-3.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/405.png b/11444-h/images/405.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9fd241 --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/405.png diff --git a/11444-h/images/406.png b/11444-h/images/406.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f21daae --- /dev/null +++ b/11444-h/images/406.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..88ef478 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11444 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11444) diff --git a/old/11444-8.txt b/old/11444-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0406a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11444-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2035 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Dec. 12, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 12, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 4, 2004 [eBook #11444] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, DEC. 12, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11444-h.htm or 11444-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h/11444-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +DECEMBER 12, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A "Company for Oversea Enterprises" has been formed in Hamburg. It has +no connection with the German High Sea Fleet. + + *** + +A guinea a dozen is being offered for rabbits in the Isle of Wight. +Most of them, however, are holding back for a War bonus. + + *** + +A Newcastle man who has been missing for eleven months has just turned +up at his home. He excused himself on the grounds that the tea queue +was rather a long one. + + *** + +There are reports current of an impending strike of brewery workers in +the North. Several employees have threatened to "Down Beer." + + *** + +Confirmation is still awaited of the rumour that several food ships +have recently torpedoed themselves rather than fall into the hands of +the profiteers. + + *** + +The statement that Viscount NORTHCLIFFE has refused the post of +Minister of Health is without foundation. It is no secret, however, +that he would decline the position even if he should offer it to +himself. + + *** + +Double-headed matches are impracticable, according to the Tobacco and +Matches Control Board. The sorts with detachable heads, however, will +continue to be manufactured. + + *** + +A Norfolk fisherman with twenty-six children has been fined five +shillings for neglecting seven of them. His offence is thought to have +been due to oversight. + + *** + +According to the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN there is plenty of food in +Ireland. In the best Sinn Fein circles it is thought that this +condition of things points to an attempt on the part of the Government +to bring discredit on the sacrificial devotion of the Separatists. + + *** + +So realistic has the stage become of late that in _The Boy_ at the +Adelphi, Mr. W.H. BERRY (we give the rumour for what it is worth) +sits down to a meal of wood cutlets. + + *** + +In order that no confusion may be caused among guests the Government +has been requested to have a "take over" whistle blown in the +corridors before they commandeer the next hotel. + + *** + +It seems that TROTZKY is to have no nonsense. He has even threatened +to make lynching illegal. + + *** + +The _Neue Freie Presse_ describes LENIN as the revolutionary with +kings at his feet. He also seems to have several knaves up his sleeve. + + *** + +A Brixton lady has left the sum of four hundred pounds to her dog. It +would be interesting to hear the family solicitor asking him whether +he would take it in War Bonds or bones. + + *** + +The Timber Commission reports a grave shortage of birch, and a number +of earnest ushers are asking, "What is the use of the censorship?" + + *** + +It is now declared that the high explosive found on Countess +MARKIEVICZ'S "green scouts" was not intended for destructive purposes. +Mr. DE VALERA, M.P., was merely going to eat it. + + *** + +Many grocers and publicans, it is stated, have already been combed out +of the Welsh coal mines. Efforts to comb the others out of their gold +mines are meeting with only indifferent success. + + *** + +British grit will win, declares Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON. If some of +our elderly statesmen will refrain from dropping theirs into the +machinery. + + *** + +The London Fire Brigade has been given permission to form a band. The +lack of some method of keeping the crowd amused at the more protracted +fires has often proved an embarrassment to the force. + + *** + +The big elephant at the Zoo has been destroyed, says a news item. A +maximum price for potted game is already being considered by the Food +Ministry. + + *** + +Charged with selling bacon that was bad, a firm of grocers pleaded +that the stuff had been released by the Government. At first sight it +looked as if it had merely escaped from custody. + + *** + +The man who was last week charged at a London police court with posing +as a Government official has been put back for the state of his mind +to be inquired into. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Scandalised Voice from Gallery_. "'ERE, _WOT_'S THE +PAPER CONTROLLER DOIN'?"] + + * * * * * + + "The late Mr. Merryweather, who was in his 78th year, + was responsible for great developments in fire-lighting + appliances."--_Scotsman_. + +A good scheme--light it first and fight it afterwards. + + * * * * * + + "Supposing a wolf were to attack you and your family, what + would you do?--Mr. Hedderwick. + + "I would point out that season tickets are issued by + railway companies only as an act of grace.--Sir William + Forbes."--_The Star_. + +Our contemporary heads this "Words Winged To-day." + + * * * * * + +From "A Word to the Churches," by Miss MARIE CORELLI:-- + + "'A word' of solemn warning was uttered by the Angel of + the Seven Spirits to the Church in Sardis.... + + "And this 'word' was fulfilled to the letter, for, as Herodotus + tells us, 'Sardis was taken and utterly sacked.'"--_Daily + Graphic_. + +We fancy the passage must occur in Book X., in which we also find +the famous account of the capture of Timbuctoo by the Roman Emperor +Montezuma in the fourth Punic War--or was it the fifth Crusade? + + * * * * * + +TO THE GERMAN PEOPLE. + + Each to his taste: if you prefer + The KAISER'S whip across your flanks; + If you enjoy the bloody spur + That rips your cannon-fodder's ranks; + If to his boots you still adhere, + Kissing 'em as you've always kissed 'em, + Why, who are we to interfere + With your internal Teuton system? + + If from your bonds you know quite well + You might, this moment, find release, + Changing, at will, your present hell + For Liberty's heaven of lasting peace; + If yet, for habit's sake, you choose + This reign of steel, this rule of terror, + It's not for us to push our views + And point you out your silly error. + + Herein I speak as I am taught-- + That your affairs are yours alone, + Though, for myself, I should have thought + They had a bearing on my own; + Have I no right to interpose, + Urging on you a free autonomy, + Just as your U-boats shove their nose + In my interior economy? + + I'm told we have no quarrel, none, + With you as Germans. That's absurd. + Myself, I hate all sorts of Hun, + Yet will I say one kindly word: + If, still refusing Freedom's part, + You keep the old Potsdam connection, + With all my sympathetic heart + I wish you joy of that selection. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +AN ORDER OF THE DAY. + +In my opinion the value of the stock letter has distinct limitations. +What I mean to say is that if there is in a Government office a series +of half a dozen standard epistles, one or other of which can be used +as a reply to the majority of the conundrums that daily serve to bulge +the post-bag of the "controller" or "director," the selection of the +appropriate missive should not be left purely to chance. + +Last month I wrote to the Methylated Spirit Controller:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--Referring to the recent Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to know whether I am at + liberty to use my car as a means of conveyance to a farm about ten + miles away where the rabbits are eating the young blades of wheat. + A friend has invited me to help him shoot them--the rabbits, I + mean." + +Well, that was lucid enough, wasn't it? But the reply was not so +helpful as I could have wished. It opened intelligibly with the words +"Dear Sir," but continued:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you + that the employment of a hackney motor vehicle, not licensed to + ply for hire, as a conveyance to divine service constitutes + a breach of Regulation 8 ZZ of the Defence of the Realm + Regulations." + +Not a word about the rabbits, you see. + +I was so fascinated by the unexpected results of my first effort that +I tried again, this time breaking new ground. + + "DEAR SIR," I wrote,--"Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, am I at liberty to use my car + daily to take my children to their school, which is five miles + from my residence? The only alternative form of conveyance + available is a donkey and cart, the employment of which means + that my offspring would have to start overnight." + +I received a quite polite but rather chilly answer:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you + that the class of necessary household affairs for which methylated + spirit may be employed as a motor fuel comprises the conveyance + from the nearest convenient source of supply of foodstuffs, fuel + and medical requisites, provided that they cannot be obtained + without undue delay by any means of conveyance other than a motor + car." + +My interest thoroughly stimulated by this time, I made yet one more +attempt. I wrote:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to sell my car"--which was + true--"but how, as I am now practically debarred from driving it + on the road, am I to give an intending purchaser a trial run?" + +This was evidently a shrewd thrust, which required consideration, and +I heard nothing for a fortnight, during which I disposed of the car to +the proprietor of the local garage. At last the well-known O.H.M.S. +envelope gladdened my eyes. The letter within it, apologetic but +dignified in tone, is, I fancy, the most popular in stock. It said:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to express + regret that there is no trace of the correspondence to which you + refer." + +I left it at that. + + * * * * * + +SUGAR CARDS AND WILLS. + +_TO THE MANAGER OF THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT, "PUNCH."_ + +Sir,--I am one of the executors and trustees of the will of a relation +who cannot, I fear, live for many weeks. Included in his property will +be a sugar card; and to you, Sir, I turn for advice and guidance in +the responsibilities which I am shortly to assume. + +1. Will the Government accept a sugar card (as they do War Stock) in +payment of Estate Duty? + +2. What is the correct method of valuation? Does one calculate the +market price by so many years' purchase based on one's estimate of the +duration? Or will quotations be obtainable on the Stock Exchange? + +3. My relative has left it in the discretion of his Trustees to +distribute a part of his estate for charitable purposes. Could the +Trustees, under their discretionary power, hand the card to the +Trafalgar Square authorities in reduction of the National Debt? Or +ought they first to obtain the consent of the residuary legatees? + +4. There is a tenancy for life of part of the residue. If the card is +comprised in such part, and the tenant for life became bankrupt, would +the card vest in his Trustee in Bankruptcy? If so, what becomes of +the remaindermen's rights? Perhaps the best plan would be to put on a +_distringas_ with the deceased's grocer. + +5. Have the Trustees power on their own initiative to lease the card +for a term of years? Or should the approval of the transaction by the +Court, under the Settled Estates Act, be first obtained? + +6. With whom do the Executors register the Probate, so as to perfect +their title? Lord RHONDDA, Sir A. YAPP, or the grocer? + +7. On the true construction of the Finance Acts, 1894-1916, do you +consider that a sugar card is "Free Personal Property," or "Settled +Property," or "An Estate by itself," or "Property in which the +deceased's interest was less than an absolute interest." The card is +apparently "aggregable" with something or other for the purposes of +duty. Would this be the testator's furniture? + +Yours, etc., A CONSTANT READER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [struck through: GERMAN] EAST AFRICA.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tommy_ (_in lorry_). "YOU'VE STOOD THERE +WATCHING US LONG ENOUGH. I SUPPOSE YOU FIND US INTERESTING?" + +_Second Tommy_. "NOA. A WUR JUST THINKIN' O' WHEN T' PUNCH AND JUDY +SHOW USED TO COOM TO OORR VILLAGE."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXVII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--In the little village I'm thinking of it is a sight +on no account to be missed to see the same old British Tommy shopping +by telepathy. He doesn't speak their language and they don't speak +his, and when the article required is not in the window or on the +counter to be indicated by the thumb, a deadlock would appear to be +inevitable. Our Master Thomas, however, never did realise what a +deadlock is; he goes on till he gets what he wants. So you see them in +pairs, taking up a stolid position at the counter, obstinately stating +and re-stating their demands in a composite language of which the +foreign element is almost negligible, until the merchant or his wife +gives in and produces the article required. I know one simple soldier +who managed to reconcile himself to the confirmed habit amongst the +French people of addressing each other in the French language, but +could never understand their addressing horses and dogs in such an +unintelligible tongue. "If you want a dog to come 'ere, why not say +'Come 'ere!' and 'ave done with it?" Men may learn strange lingoes to +humour their fellow-men, but how can any dog be expected to understand +"_Viens ici_"? + +Three years and some odd months have not changed this point of view; +and now for Thomas to find himself in Italy is only to discover +another lot of unfortunate people who cannot understand or make +themselves understood. A little thing like that, however, is not going +to be allowed to stand between friends; already new words and phrases +are being coined, mutually acceptable to both parties. + +The first sign I saw of our arrival in this country was a derelict +mess-tin on a country station platform; at the next station I saw +a derelict rifle; at the next a whole derelict kit, and lastly a +complete-in-all-parts derelict soldier. He was surrounded by a small +crowd of native men, women and children, anxious to show their +appreciation of his nation by assisting himself. They were doing their +utmost to ascertain his needs; they were trying him with slices of +bread, a _fiasco_ of chianti, words of intense admiration, flowers. It +was none of these things he wanted; he had only missed his train and +wanted to know what to do about it. But how were they to know that? +When a Latin misses his train he doesn't sit down stolidly and think +slowly. + +I went to his aid. From the manner in which he rose to salute me they +guessed that I was the Commander-in-Chief of all the English, and +were for giving me an ovation. Thomas explained his trouble to me in +half-a-dozen words; I solved it for him in even fewer. Thomas and I +quite understood each other, and there was no want of sympathy and +fellow-feeling between us. To the small crowd, however, this was the +extreme of brutal curtness. They now thought I was of the English +_carabinieri_, and that Thomas was being led off to his execution. +They were visibly cowed. + +But the situation is not so simple and clearly defined as it was in +the first place. In the old days either we were English and they +weren't, or they were French and we weren't. There was no _tertium +quid_. Now things are more complicated. As Thomas and I stood on the +platform, loving each other silently and unostentatiously, a cheery +musical train of _poilus_ laboured into the station. There was nothing +silent or curt about them: they were all for bread and chianti and +flowers and ovations or any other old thing the crowd cared to offer. +Anything for a jest and to pass the time of day. Between the French +troops and the Italian crowd the matter was clear enough. Next-door +neighbours, molested by the same gang of roughs in the same brutal +manner, quite understand each other and the general situation when +they climb over each other's garden fences to put the matter to +rights. It was the presence of Thomas and myself which put such an +odd complexion on the whole affair. + +Between ourselves and the crowd it was "Long live Italy!" and "Long +live England!" Between the _poilus_ and the crowd it was "Long live +Italy!" and "Long live France!" But between the _poilus_ and ourselves +there were no signs of any desire that England or France might endure +another day. And yet the crowd couldn't suppose that we didn't like +each other, for the knowing looks which passed between the hilarious +_poilu_ and slowly smiling Thomas clearly indicated some strange and +intimate relation. The crowd just didn't know what to make of it all +and what exactly was between these odd strangers, who seemed to have +everything in common but nothing to say to each other. For ourselves, +I think it made us feel homesick, and the home which Thomas and I felt +sick for (if you can believe it of us) was a certain estaminet we know +of and a cup of caffy-o-lay. It was at this moment I first realised +that, as between England and France, there are no longer such things +as foreigners; either we've become French or they've become English, +or else the two of us have combined into a new mixture which hasn't +yet got a name to it. + +I think, though one doesn't talk much out here about glorious +alliances, some deep feelings were being felt all round. Diversion was +ultimately provided by the arrival of an imposing figure in dark blue, +with a lot of gilt about him. The _poilu_ put him down as an Italian +cavalry officer, and expressed the further hope that Italy would +endure for ever. The Italian crowd took him for something English, but +not being able to judge whether he was greater or less than myself, +contented themselves with an attitude of non-committal reverence all +round. Thomas informed me that he was a French Staff Officer and +displayed no further interest. Though I cannot tell you what in the +name of goodness he was doing in those parts, he was in fact an +American Naval Officer, + +In short, Charles, alliances are things as wonderful to see as they +are magnificent to read about. I do, however, regard with something +approaching alarm the new language which will be evolved to put the +lot of us on complete speaking terms. + +Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THERE AN AIR-RAID ON?" + +"YES, I THINK SO." + +"I'M MUCH OBLIGED. MY FRIEND'S UP FROM THE COUNTRY AND HE'S NEVER SEEN +ONE."] + + * * * * * + +A LIGHT REPAST. + + "Under existing conditions, it is the duty of every citizen to + confine his present consumption to an average of six matches + a day, which with careful economy ought to suffice for all + reasonable meals during the present emergency."--_Daily Mail_. + + * * * * * + + "At Leeds Assizes yesterday sentences were passed by Mr. Justice + Boche ..."--_Times_. + +Does not this almost amount to contempt of court? + + * * * * * + +From a speech by the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN:-- + + "That would he a crying evil, to leave the poor people in the city + without milk. It would be a wise thing if the Corporation would + take the bull by the horns and deal with the matter."--_Dublin + Evening Mail_. + +It might be still wiser to tackle the cow at the udder end. + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRUPTIBLES. + + [Herr SCHÄFF, writing in the _Tägliche Rundschau_ on the spiritual + grandeur of Germany, declares that the degradation of her enemies + will not prevent her doing honour to those dauntless men who in + enemy and neutral countries have stood for truth and actualities. + "The time will come when we shall mention their names and call + them our friends. After the War we shall do homage to these men + and to their incorruptible conduct. We shall erect monumental + brasses in their honour. They are heroes, and their memories shall + be consecrated."] + + A literary spokesman of the Huns + Pays liberal homage to those "dauntless" sons + Of hostile nations, who have all along + Maintained their fellow-countrymen were wrong. + No guerdon for their courage is too great, + But, till the War is ended, they must wait; + Then shall Germania, with grateful soul, + Inscribe their names upon her golden roll; + And "monumental brasses" shall attest + The zeal wherewith they strove to foul their nest. + + Such homage no one grudges them in lands + Where eulogy for deep damnation stands; + But in the Motherland they still infest + How shall we treat this matricidal pest? + No torture, not the worst their patrons use + On starving women or on shipwrecked crews, + No pain however bitter would requite + Their transcendental infamy aright. + + Death in whatever form were all too mild + For those who at their country's anguish smiled. + Oblivion is by far the bitterest woe + England's professional revilers know, + Who joyously submit to be abhorred + But suffer grinding torments if ignored. + So let them live, renounced by their own sons, + And taste the amnesty that spares and shuns. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. J.M. B---- (_née_ Nurse ----), a son."--_Scotsman_. + +Nurses, like poets, are born, not made. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAY'S THE THING. + +Just outside Mrs. Ropes' drive gates there lies a famous and exclusive +golf course, and when she turned her house into a Convalescent Home +the secretary wrote offering the hospitality of the club to all +officers who might come under her care. + +Nevertheless, when Haynes and I first arrived, we were both too +languid and feeble for any more exacting form of athletics than +spillikins and jigsaws, and it was some time before the M.O. gave +us permission to go on the links. + +"And remember," he added, "gently to begin with. Stop at the +thirteenth hole." + + * * * * * + +"Of course," I said apologetically to Haynes as we neared the +club-house, "I was pretty putrid before the War, so I shall be simply +indescribable now." + +"My dear chap, this isn't going to be a match. Keep your excuses till +we play serious golf. To-day's just a gentle knock round. Here we are. +I'll go and borrow some clubs; you get a couple of caddies." + +Five minutes later he rejoined me, carrying two sets of clubs. + +"Hallo!" he remarked in surprise. "I didn't know you'd brought your +family. Introduce me." + +"Mabel," I said, "and Lucy--our caddies." + +"Girls?" + +"They have that appearance. Why not?" + +"They'll cramp my style horribly; I like to be free." + +"Can't you be free in French for once?" + +"Most unsatisfying. Why didn't you get boys?" + +"The caddy-master says (a) girls are better; (b) he has no boys; (c) +all the boys he has are booked by plutocrats with season tickets." + +"Oh, all right. Here are your clubs--the pro. gave me the only two +sets he had available. You're a bit taller than I am, so I've given +you the long ones." + +I looked at them critically. + +"Doesn't a pair of stilts go with them?" I asked. + +"Well, mine are worse. Just a bundle of toothpicks. Here, catch hold, +Lucy." + +Mabel teed up for me. I selected a driver about the length of a +telegraph pole and swept my ball away. It stopped just short of the +first bunker. + +Haynes bent himself double to address his ball, but straightened up +while swinging and missed it by a foot. At the second attempt he +hooked it over square-leg's head on to the fairway of the eighteenth +hole. + +"_Sacré bleu!_" he said with very fair freedom, "I'm not going all +that way after it. Lucy, run and fetch it, there's a dear." + +Lucy, highly scandalized at the idea of losing a hole so tamely, +started off; Mabel and Haynes and I went after my ball. + +I took the mashie, because I distrusted my ability to carry the bunker +with another telegraph pole. That mashie would have been about the +right length for me if I could have stood on a chair while making my +stroke. As it was it entered the ground two feet behind the ball and +emerged, with a superb divot, just in front. + +"Aren't there _any_ short clubs in the bag, Mabel?" I asked. She +handed me a straight-faced putter ... + +Five strokes later I picked my ball up out of the bunker. + +"I'm over-exerting myself," I said. "We'll call that hole a half." + +Neither of us was satisfied with his tee shot at the next hole. I +picked my ball out of a gorse-bush, and Haynes rescued his from a +drain. Then we strolled amicably towards the third tee. Our caddies, +unused to such methods, followed reluctantly. + +"Was that 'ole 'alved, too, Sir?" piped Mabel with anxious interest. + +"It's a nice point. I hardly know. Why?" + +She hung her head and blushed. A sudden suspicion struck me. + +"Mabel," I said sternly, "are you--_can_ you be--_betting_ on this +game?" + +"Yes, Sir," she answered with a touch of defiance. "Boys always does." + +I told Haynes, who appeared profoundly shocked. + +"Good G----! I mean, _Mon dieu!_" he exclaimed. "What are we doing?" + +"Surely you can't hold us responsible? The child's parents ..." + +"I don't mean _that_, you ass. Here we have the innocent public +putting its money on our play, and we're treating the whole thing as a +joke. This has got to be a match, after all. A woman's fortune hangs +upon the issue--doesn't it, Lucy?" + +"Yes, Sir," she answered without comprehension. + +From this point the game became a grim struggle. I won the third hole +in seventeen, but Haynes took the fourth in nineteen to my twenty-two. + +At the fifth I noticed a pond guarding the green. I carefully +circumvented this with my faithful putter and holed out in my smallest +score of the round so far. + +"Hi!" shouted Haynes. "How many?" He had been having a little hockey +practice by himself in the rough, and was now preparing to play an +approach shot across the pond. + +"Twelve!" + +"Then I've this for the hole," he yelled, and topped his ball gently +into the water ... + +So it went on--what the papers call a ding-dong struggle. Suffice it +to say that at the twelfth I was dormy one and in a state of partial +collapse. + +The thirteenth is a short hole. You drive from a kind of pulpit, and +the green is below you, protected by large stiff-backed bunkers like +pews. + +"Last hole, thank Heaven," panted Haynes. "I couldn't bear much more. +I'm all of a dither as it is." + +Mabel, twittering with excitement, teed up. I looked at the green +lying invitingly below and took that gigantic putter. The ball, struck +with all my little remaining strength, flew straight towards the +biggest bunker, scored a direct hit on the top of it, bounced high in +the air--and trickled on to the green. + +Haynes invoked the Deity (even at that stressful moment, to his +eternal credit, in French) and took his miniature driver. His ball, +hit much too hard, pitched in the same bunker, crossed it, climbed up +the face of it, and joined mine on the green. Utterly unnerved, we +toddled down and took our putts. Haynes, through sheer luck (as he +admits), laid his ball stone dead; I had a brain-storm and over-ran +the hole, leaving myself a thirty-foot putt for the match. I took long +and careful aim, but my hands were shaking pitifully. The ball started +on a grotesquely wrong line, turned on a rise in the ground, cannoned +off a worm-cast and plopped into the tin. Mabel gave a shriek of +joy, and Lucy--well, I regret to say that Lucy made use of a terse +expression the French equivalent of which her employer had been at +great pains to remember. Haynes and I lay flat on the ground, overcome +as much by emotion as by our physical weakness. + +At last I struggled to a sitting posture. + +"Mabel," I croaked, "I shall want at least ten per cent. commission +for that. How much have you won?" + +"Please, Sir," she cooed happily, "a 'a'p'ny, Sir." + + * * * * * + +THE MERRY WIDOW (GRASS). + + "Mother's help, to assist lady; husband away; happy + home."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + + * * * * * + + "A St. Cleather man, who had planted a wastrel, is to be invited + to attend the next meeting."--_Western Morning News_. + +Surely they don't want the wastrel dug up again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRATERNISING AT THE FRONT. + +_Nervous Tommy_ (_on outpost duty for the first time_). "'OO GOES +THERE?" + +_Bosch Scout_. "FRIEND." + +_Tommy_. "ADVANCE AN' BE RECONCILED."] + + * * * * * + +A NEW USE FOR LATIN. + +BY OUR CLASSICAL EXPERT. + +"Greek is in the last ditch," writes Sir HENRY NEWBOLT in his _New +Study of English Poetry_; "Latin is trembling at sight of the thin +edge of the wedge." Still a hope of saving Latin--within limits--yet +remains, if the appeal of "Kismet" in _The Spectator_ meets with a +sympathetic response. He asks the readers of that journal "to render +into Latin in two or three words the old cricket adjuration, 'Play the +game.'" He has already had some suggestions, including "_Lude ludum_," +from "an eminent scholar," but, like the late Mr. TOOLE in one of his +most famous songs, still he is not happy. + +In rendering colloquial phrases into the lapidary style of ancient +Rome, I confess it is often hard to improve on the brevity of the +vernacular, though the admonition "to keep your end up" can be +condensed from four words to two in "_sursum cauda_." Again the +familiar eulogy, "Stout fellow," can be rendered in a single word +by the Virgilian epithet "_bellipotens_." A distinguished Latinist +recalls in this context the sentiment of the writer, Pomponius +Caninus:-- + + _Rebus in adversis comitem sors prospera pinguem_ + _Det mihi._ + +And to the same authority I am indebted for the following version of +"Don't speak to the man at the wheel:"-- + + _O silete, circumstantes_ + _Nautas rotam operantes._ + +Though Latin is tottering at our schools it occasionally pops up in +unexpected places. For example, not very long ago I heard a popular +comedian introduce his family motto and translate it for the benefit +of a music-hall audience. Latin quotations, even from HORACE, have +gone out of fashion in the Houses of Parliament. Perhaps they will +revive on the stage. The unfair preference for Greek shown by doctors +in the nomenclature of disease is perhaps to be explained by the +value of unintelligibility. Did not DAN O'CONNELL, in his famous +vituperative contest with a Dublin washer-woman, triumph in the +long-run by calling her an unprincipled parallelopiped? + +Meanwhile I appeal to the Editor of _The Westminster Gazette_, who, +in his Saturday edition, has done so much to maintain the practice +of classical composition, to offer a prize in one of his periodical +competitions for the best Latin version, of "to buck up," "to stick +it out," "a bit thick," "talking through one's hat," "I don't think," +"blighter," "rotter," and "not 'arf." + + * * * * * + +ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE. + + "Mr. Zangwill (the Chief Rabbi) also spoke."--_Daily News_. + +Following the appointment (recently announced by Mr. Punch) of Mr. +H.G. WELLS as Chaplain to the Forces. + + * * * * * + +From a cattle-auction advertisement:-- + + "NOTE.--Pigs and Calves are requested to be forward by 11 + o'clock."--_Kirkendbrightshire Advertiser_. + +_Vive la politesse!_ + + * * * * * + + "The hereditary privilege of remaining covered in the presence + of the Monarch was granted by Henry VIII. to John Forester of + Watling Street, in 1570."--_Observer_. + +We wonder what GOOD QUEEN BESS thought about this posthumous +interference on the part of her papa. + + * * * * * + +From Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S latest novel:-- + + "It was, indeed, something of an achievement to get on terms of + confidence with those alien children ... many of whom had acquired + a precocious suspicion of Greeks bearing gifts. That sense of + _caveat donor_ was perhaps their most pathetic characteristic." + +Timeo Danaos et dona accipientes! Which may be roughly rendered: "I +suspect TINO, even when he's in receipt of a subsidy." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL. IT'S TIME WE WERE OFF. BUT--PARDON ME, MRS. +GOLDBERG--DO YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO WEAR SO MANY PEARLS AT AN ECONOMY +MEETING?" + +"ALL RIGHT. I WON'T IF YOU THINK NOT. BUT AS A MATTER OF FACT THEY +_ARE_ AN ECONOMY. YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND IS PUTTIN' HIS MONEY IN PEARLS +TO SAVE INCOME-TAX."] + + * * * * * + +LAVENDER. + + I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought; + I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort; + And once I 'eld gerani-ums was grander than the rest, + But now I likes the lavender, the simple-lookin' lavender, + A little bit o' lavender the best. + + My mate 'e'd been a gardener; 'is roses wasn't beat; + 'Is marrers was a marvel and 'is strorberries a treat; + But w'en 'e leave 'is corliflow'rs an' lettuce to enlist, + 'E said it was the lavender, 'is blinkin' bit o' lavender, + A silly patch o' lavender 'e missed. + + In France I used to foller 'im to gather up the bits; + 'E "'adn't 'eard" o' snipers and 'e "wasn't 'eedin'" Fritz; + Till in a slip o' garden by the Convent 'e was copped, + And dahn among the lavender, the trodden sodden lavender, + The bloody muddy lavender 'e dropped. + + A job it was to fix 'im up and do a double bunk, + But 'e was chattin' casual while I was oozin' funk; + 'E yarned abaht the bits o' things 'e used to see at Kew, + An' told me of the lavender, the tidy lot of lavender, + The leagues an' leagues o' lavender 'e grew. + + They book 'im through to Blighty and 'e drop a line from 'ome, + Comparin' clay in Flanders with the proper British loam; + "An' w'en you gets yer seven days, you come along an' see + The roses an' the lavender, the lavender, the lavender ... + You oughter see the lavender!" says 'e. + + My mate 'e 'ad a sister, w'ich I didn't even guess + Till I was at the wicker-gate an' see 'er cotton dress; + 'Er face was sweet as summer-time an' pretty as a tune; + 'Er eyes was like the lavender, the blue bewitchin' lavender, + As lovely as the lavender in June. + + She bid me welcome kindly, an' as quiet as you please, + An' fust we talk o' battlefields an' then we talk o' bees; + But, though the 'olly'ocks was aht an' all the roses red, + I only see the lavender, the patch o' purple lavender; + "I'm pleased you likes the lavender," she said. + + I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought; + I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort; + An' once I 'eld gerani-ums was gayer than the rest, + But now I likes the lavender, a little sprig o' lavender, + I likes a bit o' lavender the best. + + * * * * * + +AN INFANT PRODIGY. + + "Sir Frederick Smith, the Attorney-General, is 5, but does not + look it for he keeps a full thatch and a fresh complexion, and + has features so softly contoured that as a baby he must have + been the pride of the family."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + + * * * * * + +ASIA IN EUROPE. + + "Serbia has been crushed, and, with the exception of Salonika + and the regions temporarily held by the British in Palestine + and Mesopotamia, Germany holds command of Middle Europe. + + "That becomes quite obvious when one looks at the map." + + _Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD in "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETRAYED. + +THE PANDER. "COME ON; COME AND BE KISSED BY HIM."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 3rd._--No further publicity is to be given to Lord +LANSDOWNE'S letter if the Government can help it. But the author is +not to be prosecuted and the rumour that Lansdowne House has been +raided by the police and its noble owner's type writer confiscated +lacks confirmation. + +[Illustration: A STORY LACKING CONFIRMATION.] + +A long and complicated answer by Mr. CLYNES, describing and defending +the new sugar-cards, was not altogether satisfying. Sir F. BANBURY'S +inquiry, "Does the hon. gentleman think that anybody will get any +sugar after this?" was prompted, no doubt, by anxiety for the future +of his famous cakes; but it expressed the general doubt. + +Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has hitherto stoutly denied that the Allies +have given ex-KING CONSTANTINE a retiring allowance, admitted that +the Greek Government might make him some payment, and that the Allies +furnished Greece with money. In other words, Greece has given TINO a +penny to play in the next street, and the Allies have lent her the +penny. + +Asked by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT whether the labour expended on fitting +gas-bags to motor cars could not be more usefully employed, the +MINISTER OF NATIONAL SERVICE replied as follows: "The questions +involved in the use of gas-bags, _including that raised by the hon. +Member_, are being considered." And Mr. LAMBERT is now wondering +whether Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES intended to be personal. + +_Tuesday, December 4th._--In answer to a question as to what steps the +Board of Agriculture was taking to replant districts denuded of trees, +Sir RICHARD WINFREY replied that "surplus nursery stock" would be +transplanted by "gangs of women." Evidently surprised by the laughter +which followed, he whispered to his neighbour, "Have I said anything +very funny?" + +At the end of a long catechism by Mr. KING regarding the literature +issued by the War Aims Committee, Mr. OUTHWAITE inquired if it could +be sent to Members of the House. Major GUEST was quite ready to +oblige. In his opinion some Members, including Mr. OUTHWAITE himself, +would be much the better for its perusal. + +Mr. PRATT is about the last Minister whom I should have suspected of +cynicism, but I have my doubts about him now. By his admission the +British Pharmacopoeia (war edition) contains "Glycerins devoid of +glycerin and syrups free from sugar." "But," he added, "it does not +materially lessen their value as medicines." + +Upon the House being asked to recommit the Representation of the +People's Bill in respect of the provisions dealing with conscientious +objectors and redistribution in Ireland, Mr. REDMOND, naturally +anxious lest the House should imagine that Ireland's objection to +military service was conscientious, requested the SPEAKER to divide +the debate into water-tight compartments. No artificial restraints, +however, could keep Mr. HEALY within bounds. He ranged at large over +Irish history, and declared that the decision to impose on Ireland a +(more or less) equitable system of representation was an outrage only +to be compared with the breach of the Treaty of Limerick. + +As a humourist on this occasion Mr. HEALY had to yield the palm to +a colleague. The CHIEF SECRETARY incidentally referred to the +arrangement that no contentious business should be taken during the +War. "Except by agreement," interjected Mr. NUGENT. + +[Illustration: SUGARLESS BANBURY CAKES.] + +_Wednesday, December 5th._--Not long ago Lord ROBERT CECIL referred to +a rumour that the German Government intended to encourage polygamy. +Mr. KING, shocked to discover that this charge rested upon a statement +in a neutral newspaper, protested against the practice of making +speeches "on such miserable foundations." As the bulk of the hon. +Member's own utterances have a similar basis the retort was almost too +obvious; and Mr. BALFOUR in making it must have felt as if he had shot +his bird sitting. + +The courage of the hero who took up the challenge: "Whoever shall +these boots displace, must meet Bombastes face to face," was +comparatively nothing to that of Mr. H.W. FORSTER, who in the +interests of economy has promised to limit the height of women's +boots. There will be much stamping of lofty heels at this ukase. Sir +JOHN REES thought another order lengthening skirts was the logical +corollary, and so it is if the Government really want "to make both +ends meet." But Mr. FORSTER showed no disposition to embark upon +petticoat government. + +Irish Nationalists worked themselves into seven different kinds +of fury over the decision of the Government to apply the rules of +arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in their beloved country. +Mr. DILLON threatened the House with the possibility that at the +next General Election he and his colleagues might be wiped out of +existence. Scared by this awful prospect so many Liberals voted +against the closure that the Government only escaped defeat by 29. + +_Thursday, December 6th._--The prospect of an all-night sitting +rendered the House unusually irritable. Mr. HEALY fulminated at Sir +E. CARSON (who was not present) in language that reminded Colonel +SHARMAN-CRAWFORD of "a low police-court." Mr. DILLON'S high top note +was ceaselessly employed in emitting adjectives more remarkable, +as Mr. BONAR LAW icily observed, for their strength than for their +novelty. At one time it looked as if there was to be a first-class +Irish row. But wiser counsels ultimately prevailed. The House as a +whole was in no mood for protracted discussion in which non-Irish +moonlighters might participate. + +At last there is hope that the instructions of the FOOD-CONTROLLER +will have some practical result. To-day in reply to a question Mr. +CLYNES said, "The order about to be issued will contain provisions +..." Ah! if it only will. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVIDENCE. + +_Officer_. "NOW, SERGEANT-MAJOR, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS MAN WAS +DRUNK?" + +_Sergeant-Major_. "SIR, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH, WHEN I MET THE +ACCUSED, 'E RAISED 'IS 'AT, ACCOMPANYING THE MOTION WITH THE WORDS, +'GOOD EVENIN', BLUE BEARD!'"] + + * * * * * + +THE LOST LEADER. + +The Hillsbury Company of the 2nd Battalion of the Lastshire Volunteers +were being inspected for efficiency by a Captain of the Grenadier +Guards, who had graciously come down and devoted his Sunday afternoon +to this purpose. Forty "A" men had obeyed their country's call and +turned up on parade, and among the officers was Alfred Herbert, +who was a second-lieutenant of the mature age of fifty. He was +enthusiastic, but a slow learner, always confusing himself and his +men. Still, he was obviously doing his best, and the men forgave him +and did _their_ best to cover up his faults. + +"Mr. Herbert," said the inspecting officer sharply, "be good enough to +take the company out and move them about for a few minutes." + +Herbert's heart began to beat at the double. He had known that this +ordeal might come, but he had hoped against hope that, if he made +himself small and meek, he would be overlooked. All was in vain; his +time had come. "Drill them as a company of two platoons," said the +stern Guardsman. + +"Yes, Sir," said Herbert. "Shall I--" + +"Take them out at once, Sir. We have no time to waste." + +It was at this moment that Herbert's first dream, or I should rather +say the first phase of his treble dream, began. He dreamt that he +called the company to attention, caused them to slope arms, and moved +them to the right in fours. + +So far so good. + +Now they were in columns of fours and marching gaily. + +"This is a good dream," thought Herbert. "I will get them into line. +On the right, form company!" he shouted at the top of his voice. + +He had done it. He had got the rear rank in front, and this is +a terrible state of affairs, leading to the most frightful +complications--at any rate in the Lastshire Volunteers. + +"Move to the right in fours!" he commanded; and then the trouble +began. + +In less than half a minute, forty deserving men, including N.C.O.'s, +were tied up into a series of terrifically complicated knots, in the +midst of which the Company Sergeant-Major bobbed about, an angry cork +on a stormy ocean of desperate men. + +"Very good, Mr. Herbert, oh, very good indeed," said the Inspecting +Officer. + +At this point Herbert passed into his second phase and dreamed that +it was all a dream. + +But the question remained: what was he to do? + +"Double!" he shouted, and himself gave the example. And as he ran he +passed into his third phase and dreamed it was all true; and he woke +up with a start at the orderly room, and found that it _was_ true. + +That very evening he resigned his commission, "owing," as he wrote, +"to an incurable habit of getting the rear rank in front." + +What happened to the men I cannot say with certainty. I think they are +still struggling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Physical Exercise Instructor_. "'ERE, YOU! WHAT THE +DEUCE ARE YOU LARFING AT?" + +_Recruit_. "OH, SERGEANT, I--I WAS THINKING WHAT PRICELESS BALLY ASSES +WE MUST LOOK!"] + + * * * * * + +MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY. + +ON THE DANGER OF POPULARITY. + +_The Ballybun Binnacle_ has ceased publication--I hope temporarily, +for I have had to fall back on _The Times_. The latter is the better +paper for wrapping things in, and they seem to use a good kind of ink +which does not come off on the butter, but it's a bit weak on its +advertising side. It was O'Mullins across the road who pointed this +out to me first. He had, he says, an advertisement a whole week in +_The Times_ for a total abstainer to make himself otherwise useful and +to mend his stable door; but no apparent notice was taken of it. The +same advertisement had not been a couple of hours in _The Binnacle_ +before three tinkers tried to steal his horse. + +I have heard people speak well of the editorials in our chief London +rival, but they are not thought much of in Ballybun; they haven't the +flavour. Our paper used to be strongly political, but the increase in +the number of subscribers did not pay for the libel actions, and so of +late we have been cultivating an open mind and advertisements. It is +true that even so it was impossible for Casey, our editor, to steer +wholly clear of vexed political questions, but his latest manner was +admirably statesmanlike. He would summarise the opposing views of our +eight or nine parties and then state boldly that he agreed with most +of them, and as for the rest he would not shrink to declare, in the +face of the world if necessary, that they were full of an intellectual +Zeitgeist, unfortunately only too sporadic. He would then sum up by +drawing attention to the bargain sale of white goods at the Ballybun +Emporium. Everybody liked this, and the Ballybun Bon Marché would send +in its advertisement for our next week's issue. + +_The Binnacle_ has ceased publication, of course, before. When the +editor took his summer holiday or went to a friend's wedding in the +country he would often leave the bringing of it out to his staff. The +latter used normally to edit the sporting and fashionable columns and +was called Flannagan, but had only one eye and was somewhat eccentric. +Flannagan couldn't be bothered sometimes and sometimes he would go +fishing. Still, although the paper would not come out just when we +expected, Flannagan might relent and bring it out two or three days +later, and at all events he always told us the news whenever he met us +in the street. + +Thus we could not strictly say that we had no local newspaper. But +now, I fear, the case is altered, and _The Binnacle_ has been killed +solely by its own popularity. + +It doesn't do for an editor to be too popular. People used to drop in +on Casey at all hours of the day and lend a hand and smoke his tobacco +and try to borrow money. His sanctum became the fashionable lounge +of the Ballybun _élite_. A great gap was caused in the front of the +paper amongst the best paying advertisements by Kelly's trying to +clean his pipe with part of the linotype machine. Casey noticed +this, and further attributed the matter to the Censor, whom he +attacked vigorously in a leading article for trying to throttle the +safety-valve of trade by inoculating the thin end of the wedge; he +will do this again, he added, at his own peril. He also told Kelly the +same. + +As our respected Member of Parliament is hanging tenaciously on to +life, and we could not very well invite him to create a vacancy, we +were at a loss how to mark our esteem for our popular editor in a +practical manner. Casey himself suggested a testimonial. His friends, +however, said that nothing sordid should ever enter into the feelings +with which they regarded him, and decided finally on electing him to +the second highest office a layman in our part can hope to hold. He +was elected Judge--"unanimously," as he put it, "by 29 to 3"--and the +race meeting came off last week. We hate to hold it in war-time, but +the breed of horses and bookies must be kept up. Even the bed-ridden +took a day off and trooped to it. + +Picture the feelings of the crowd when Casey merged the judge into +the editor and kept declaring race after race a dead heat. They rose +at him as one man and clamoured for souvenirs. What was left of Casey +shook the dust of Ballybun off his feet, while our impulsive patriots +were smashing his office furniture. + +This only proves what I have often maintained, that popularity always +makes a man unpopular in the long run. Meanwhile _The Ballybun +Binnacle_ has ceased to appear, but I see from _The Times_ there has +been a movement in Berlin in favour of letting bygones be bygones. + + * * * * * + +BOOKS AND BOOKS. + + ["The last books of the Winter season are creeping out, and + some are important and some are not."--_Daily Chronicle_.] + + The last books of Winter, + Some slim and some stout, + From the hands of the printer + Are now "creeping out"; + And it's helpful to learn from + A man on the spot + That some are important + And others are not. + + And yet the conviction + Expressed in this guise + In the matter of fiction + I'd like to revise; + For of the romances + Unceasingly shot + From the press, most are piffle + And very few not. + + From minstrelsy's _mêlée_, + Its foam and its surge, + A Keats or a Shelley + May haply emerge; + Or there may be a Tupper + To leaven the lot-- + Some bards are immortal + And others are not. + + We're certain to meet with-- + The stock never fails-- + Some Memoirs replete with + Fatiguing details; + But the chance isn't great of + A Lockhart and Scott, + Or a Boswell and Johnson-- + No, certainly not. + + Some prophet whose coming + Is yet undivined + May set the world humming + And stagger mankind; + It may be a Darwin + Some publisher's got + Up his sleeve, or it may be + Some one who is not. + + There may be some clinkers + Now "creeping" to light, + Tremendous deep thinkers + Or high in their flight; + There may be diffusers + Of air that is hot; + There may be a Bergson, + Again there may not. + + Though the publishing season + Is now on the wane, + This isn't a reason + Why we should complain; + For the view of the expert-- + His "i's" when we dot-- + Is that some books are useful, + But most of them rot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_playfully_). "WHAT--HAVEN'T YOU FINISHED +YET?" + +_Sandy_ (_regarding cake, from which he has been told to help +himself_). "AH, BUT YE KEN, A CAKE O' THIS SIZE ISNA SAE SOON EATEN AS +YE MAY THENK."] + + * * * * * + +From the report of a speech by the Chief Justice of New Zealand:-- + + "His Excellency the Governor may make any conditions he pleases. + In fact it is a case of 'Hoc volo sic jubes; sit pro ratione + valunters.' I do not think the word can be read in that wide + sense."--_New Zealand Times_. + +Nor do we. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "INDIAN DEFENCE FORCE ORDERS. CALCUTTA SOTTISH."--_The Empire_ + (_Calcutta_). + + * * * * * + + "Defendant was fined 20s. for the abusive language which, said + the Chairman, was the worst the Magistrates had ever + seen."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Or even tasted. + + * * * * * + + "Antiques are the 'best sellers' at all bazaars, and one meets + hunters of them all over the country. I hear of Mrs. ---- engaged + on the chase at Bath for her charity scheme. The Duchess of ---- + was there, too, taking the waters."--_Daily Mirror_. + +Some of our collectors will stop at nothing. + + * * * * * + +ART TO THE RESCUE. + +No means to get people to invest in War Bonds can be seriously +objected to; but I must confess that when, on a railway station +hoarding, I caught sight of a poster representing WHISTLER'S famous +portrait of his mother, with the words, "Old Age is Coming," printed +across it, beneath an appeal to the public to be prudent about the +future by buying Government stock now, I experienced a jolt. Because +this picture has always been one of the sacred things, and to see it +again was a necessary part of any visit to Paris. As to the shock +which the sight would have caused the painter, were he alive to-day, +the pen prefers to say little. Even with three patriotic motives to +control him--for he was American by birth, French by sympathy, and +English by residence--WHISTLER must have delivered his mind. That he +would consider this anything but a gentle art of breaking enemies, is +certain; nor can I see him holding his peace about it. + +[Illustration: "These good dogs would prefer WAR BONDS to a bone."] + +Personally, however, I got over my own sense of the outrage very +quickly. For the new War Bonds must succeed, and the end justifies the +means, however desperate--that is how I looked at it, and therefore, +instead of maintaining an attitude of preciosity, I began to wonder +how I could assist the authorities (who had dared to bend the +Butterfly to their purpose) to further useful acts of vandalism. +Nothing should, I determined, stand in my way. Where they were merely +"hairy," I would be absolutely bald-headed. Hence, if there is +anything in the suggestions that follow which may set the teeth of +the reverent on edge, it must be attributed to honest zeal. All that +I want is for the Kennedy-Jones of the movement to lift Art from her +pedestal for a few days only--in the interests of the Allies and to +the lasting detriment of Germany--and then replace her. But there is +no need to trouble about the replacing. That will be automatic. + +Beginning with the postulate that War's sinews must be forthcoming, or +HAIG and BYNG will batter at the Hun to insufficient purpose, we can +do anything. Let then, I say, all the artists be conscripted, whether +old masters or young. The façade of the National Gallery is to-day one +vast hoarding advertising the progress of the Loan; let us go inside +and levy upon its treasures too. A few pictorial suggestions will be +found on this page; others will occur to its habitués, and doubtless +the Trustees (although Lord LANSDOWNE is one) will be only too glad +to fall in with the project. + +[Illustration: "She's happy. She's bought WAR BONDS."] + +BURNE-JONES'S "Cophetua and the Beggar Maid" hangs, for instance, in +the National Gallery--temporarily borrowed from the Tate--at this +moment. It would make a good piece of propaganda. "Why is the maid a +beggar?" "Because her parents had not provided against the future by +provident and patriotic speculation." Close by hangs, also on loan +from the Tate, CECIL LAWSON'S "Harvest Moon." "Why on this most +favourable of nights is there no raid?" "Because the success of the +War Bonds brought about Germany's surrender." After the authorities' +most admirable and desirable way with WHISTLER'S mother, you can do +anything and should do anything. That is my point. + +[Illustration: "Cut your cloth to leave a BIG margin for WAR BONDS."] + +And not only the National Gallery, but the galleries of France and +Italy, and even Germany herself. Perhaps Germany first of all, for +there would be a piquancy in thus employing the cherished possessions +of the foe. Could not something be done, for example, with the famous +wax bust, the glory of the Kaiser Friedrich Collection, into which +LEONARDO DA VINCI, as a finishing touch, crammed an early Victorian +waistcoat before delivering the masterpiece to its owner? A really +ingenious organiser should be able to make telling use of that, +perhaps with a play on the word "investment." But meanwhile LEONARDO +would, I am sure, be only too willing to suppress his sensitive +feelings and assist his fellow-countrymen in their stand on the Piave +by contributing "Monna Lisa." Some such words as these would serve: +"Why is she smiling that satisfied smile?" "Because she has bought a +nice little packet of War Bonds and thus insured a comfortable old +age." At the same time TITIAN could help to save his Venice by lending +the "Venus" from the Uffizi. "Why is this lady so naked?" "Because she +neglected to invest in War Bonds, and thus had nothing with which +to buy clothes later on." Or, if a French or English picture were +preferred, INGRES' "La Source," from the Louvre, or LEIGHTON'S "Bath +of Psyche" from the National Gallery, could be used with the same +touching legend. But I feel that TITIAN should have the first chance. +And there are living painters too who would come in. Our own old +master--AUGUSTUS JOHN (who is now, I am told, a major)--would, no +doubt, be delighted to lend the hoardings one of the pictures from +his exhibition now in progress. The portrait of Mr. G.B. SHAW, for +example, in which the eyes of the great seer are closed. "Why is +this old gentleman not looking at you?" "Because he is afraid you +may not have bought any War Bonds and he can't bear to see anything +unpatriotic." + +But enough has been said. The National War Bonds must be sold, and Art +must help, and no one must wince. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_in course of an arithmetic lesson_). "WHAT +IS HALF FOUR?" + +_Daughter_. "TWO." + +_Mother_. "AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HALF FIVE?" + +_Daughter_. "WELL, MUMMIE, IT DEPENDS WHICH HALF YOU MEAN--THE TWO OR +THE THREE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Many years ago, when I was younger and more optimistic than to-day, I +thought out what struck me as an adventure-story of wonderful promise, +and confided the plot to a friend, reputed expert in such matters. He +heard me with indulgent attention and, when I had finished, "Capital," +says he; "but do you propose to differentiate it in _any_ way from +_Dead Man's Rock?_" I am reminded of this ancient wound by the +appearance of a new buccaneering book by Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH; +and that not only on account of the name of the author, but because +when a tale of this kind begins in Bristol Docks, with a company +that includes an apprentice-hero, a one-eyed sailor and a parrot of +piratical past, it is impossible not to recall _Treasure Island_. +However this may be, _Mortallone_ soon attains a development quite +sufficiently original, with an island and a secret and a noble store +of buried treasure, all in doubloons and pieces of eight, which is +exactly how I prefer it. In short a capital yarn, which did but +confirm me in an old resolve that, were I ever thinking of commencing +pirate or starting any unlawful business of the seas, I should avoid +apprentices like the plague. The second part of _Mortallone and Aunt +Trinidad_ (ARROWSMITH) I found rather less satisfactory. Here a number +of tales of the Spanish Main are supposed to be told by a trio of +withered beldames whose youthful prime was spent as pirate queens. A +striking and novel approach; though my belief in it was hindered by +the discovery that these untutored crones not only spoke but wrote an +admirable, if slightly mannered, prose, akin to that of STEVENSON or, +say, Sir ARTHUR himself. But these be the carpings of age; I am sure +that no boy lucky enough to find _Mortallone_ among his Christmas +presents will leave a paragraph undevoured. + + * * * * * + +Dr. H. STUERMER is one of that small band of Germans who have had the +courage to denounce the policy and acts of their Government. When +the War began he joined the German army, fought in the Masurian +operations, was invalided out of the army at the beginning of 1915, +and thereupon became correspondent in Constantinople of the _Kölnische +Zeitung_, in which capacity he acted until the end of 1916, when his +too great truthfulness proved distasteful to his employers and he had +to give up his place. Now he resides in Switzerland and "makes use," +he says, "of the opportunity ... to range himself boldly on the side +of truth, and show that there are still Germans who find it impossible +to condone, even tacitly, the moral transgression and political +stupidity of their own and an allied Government." This is a big +undertaking, but Dr. STUERMER attacks it manfully in his book, _Two +War Years in Constantinople_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). He gives a +harrowing description of the sufferings of the Armenians, and leaves +no doubt that he considers Germany responsible for the massacre of +a nation. I advise those who desire first-hand knowledge of the +political schemes and ambitions of the Germans and their Young Turkish +friends to consult this book. It is a mine of information. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL always packs his novels with sober stuff and +redeems them from any trace of dulness by the skill with which he +handles his theme, and by his conscientious study not only of his +characters but of the details of his background. That background in +_The Dwelling-Place of Light_ (MACMILLAN) is an American cottonmill +district with a mixed alien population of operatives, and trouble +brewing as the result of a headstrong wage-cutting manager, _Claude +Ditmar_, in conflict with the I.W.W. The phases of this grim struggle +are most forcibly described, the author holding no brief for either +protagonist. And, if widower _Ditmar_, man of iron, for whom the +Chippering Mill is his second and abiding mate, be no hero, _Janet_, +his typist, has the makings of a notable heroine. How this girl, +full of character and of passion bravely restrained, breaks down the +business preoccupation of her chief and how her courage and steadfast +honour convince him that the liaison he promised himself will not +suffice for honour or purified desire--all this is finely told. It +was, however, but a faltering and slowly-growing conviction, and death +claims him before he can make amends for the wrong into which his +masterful pleading has betrayed her. I never quite precisely gathered +what was "the dwelling-place of light." Anyway it wasn't the +Chippering Mill ... But I was sorry when I reached the four hundred +and ninth and last of the closely-set pages. Good measure for a book +in war-time. + + * * * * * + +Throughout a vagabond career that began in happiness on a farm and +finished, thankfully, amongst the fields, _Frank Rainger_ followed +always the pathway of the broader experience. Followed it so stoutly +and was such good company on the long road that whether it was high +holiday at Cranbrook Circus with _Maggie Coalbran_, or a fight for +the hopeless cause of the Southern States in shell-torn Vicksburg, or +only the keeping of eternal lazy summer with the peons of Yucatan, I +was altogether content to go humbly forward with him, convinced that, +as it was written, so and no otherwise should it be. Even when he +deservedly failed to become a shining light in the literary firmament +to which he aspired--an unheard-of piece of audacity on the part +of his authoress--I did not rebel. Miss SHEILA KAYE SMITH has an +essential clarity of visualisation, a deep and still reserve of +unforced pathos and an exquisite sense of the haunting word, that +combine with a most competent alertness of movement to make her latest +artistic success, _The Challenge to Sirius_ (NISBET), a book for which +I can hardly find adequate words of praise. Most admirable of all, +perhaps, is a strange faculty she has shown for making one satisfied +that her people should remain perennially rather poor and unambitious +and dull, and should even grow old without occasioning us regret. +With the deep under-drift of the writer's philosophy one may not be +completely in accord, but certainly it will worry nobody, while the +unity and beauty of her methods hold one in willing bondage from +beginning to end. This is real literature, and everyone should +read it. + + * * * * * + +Without any very exceptional gifts as a story-teller Fleet-Surgeon +T.T. JEANS, R.N., scores heavily off most writers of boys' adventure +tales by having actually lived the life he describes. Here, for +instance, in _A Naval Venture_ (BLACKIE) we do get the real thing, +and boys would be well-advised to sample it and see if it is not +preferable to the kind of adventurous fiction produced so prolifically +for their amusement. Not that this yarn is lacking in adventure; +indeed it is concerned with the Gallipoli campaign, from the landings +until the evacuation, and anything more adventurous it would be hard +to imagine. In reading this story of _The Orphan, The Lamp-post, +Bubbles, The Hun, Rawlins and The Pink Rat_, one feels that the author +actually knows these "snotties," with their high courage, animal +spirits and elementary humour. It is in fact history spiced with +fiction. Of all the characters my vote goes to _Kaiser Bill_, for +although, being a tortoise, he performed no deeds of actual gallantry, +he carried good luck with him wherever he went. Besides, his name +might annoy the ALL-HIGHEST. Mr. JEANS made an extremely good shot +when he drew his bow at _A Naval Venture_. + + * * * * * + +You would hardly believe what a remarkably unprincipled set of persons +make up the cast of Mr. WILLIAM CAINE'S newest story. He calls them +_Drones_ (METHUEN), but that, I feel, is a charitable understatement. +There was _Eric Wanstanley_, rising young sculptor, who, because he +didn't rise quickly enough, was capable of borrowing the savings of +his friend's parlourmaid to work a system at roulette. The friend, +_Austin Jenner_, was also an artist and also rising. His little +failing was concealment of the fact that he was almost wholly +supported by remittances furnished by his hard-working brother. +Incidentally he was engaged to _Eric's_ sister, but abandoned her +without a qualm for the beringed hand of one _Mrs. Meldrum_, a rich +widow, known as The B.Q. (Biscuit Queen). Need I say that _Mrs. +Meldrum_, moving in these circles, and with ambitions as an art +patroness, lived in Cheyne Walk? Indeed the setting of the whole +comedy is inevitably Chelsea. Having regard to the number of bad hats +among the _dramatis personæ_, you will probably not be astonished to +be told that their goings-on are excellently entertaining; though +I cannot but think that to give both his leading lady and his +_soubrette_, or Singing Chambermaid, the handicap of morally deficient +young brothers, does look like laziness on the part of Mr. CAINE. +Surely there exist other avenues to calamity. But it's an amusing +rogues' comedy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNPUBLISHED INCIDENTS IN ANCIENT HISTORY. PANOPEUS +EXPLAINS HIS MODEL AT THE WAR OFFICE, ATHENS, DURING THE TROJAN WAR.] + + * * * * * + +FOR THE SAVING OF CHILD-LIFE. + +Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON will lecture on "How Dickens' tales came true," on +Friday, December 14th, at 3 o'clock, at 20, Arlington Street (kindly +lent by the Marchioness of Salisbury), in aid of the Kentish Town Day +Nursery. Tickets, £1 1s. 0d., 10s. 6d., 7s. 6d., may be obtained from +Countess GREY, of Chester Street, N.W.1. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, DEC. 12, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11444-8.txt or 11444-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11444 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 12, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 4, 2004 [eBook #11444]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, DEC. 12, 1917***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<br /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 12, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page391" + id="page391"></a>[pg 391]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>A "Company for Oversea Enterprises" has been formed in + Hamburg. It has no connection with the German High Sea + Fleet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A guinea a dozen is being offered for rabbits in the Isle of + Wight. Most of them, however, are holding back for a War + bonus.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Newcastle man who has been missing for eleven months has + just turned up at his home. He excused himself on the grounds + that the tea queue was rather a long one.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There are reports current of an impending strike of brewery + workers in the North. Several employees have threatened to + "Down Beer."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Confirmation is still awaited of the rumour that several + food ships have recently torpedoed themselves rather than fall + into the hands of the profiteers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The statement that Viscount NORTHCLIFFE has refused the post + of Minister of Health is without foundation. It is no secret, + however, that he would decline the position even if he should + offer it to himself.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Double-headed matches are impracticable, according to the + Tobacco and Matches Control Board. The sorts with detachable + heads, however, will continue to be manufactured.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Norfolk fisherman with twenty-six children has been fined + five shillings for neglecting seven of them. His offence is + thought to have been due to oversight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN there is plenty of + food in Ireland. In the best Sinn Fein circles it is thought + that this condition of things points to an attempt on the part + of the Government to bring discredit on the sacrificial + devotion of the Separatists.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>So realistic has the stage become of late that in <i>The + Boy</i> at the Adelphi, Mr. W.H. BERRY (we give the rumour for + what it is worth) sits down to a meal of wood cutlets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In order that no confusion may be caused among guests the + Government has been requested to have a "take over" whistle + blown in the corridors before they commandeer the next + hotel.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It seems that TROTZKY is to have no nonsense. He has even + threatened to make lynching illegal.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Neue Freie Presse</i> describes LENIN as the + revolutionary with kings at his feet. He also seems to have + several knaves up his sleeve.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Brixton lady has left the sum of four hundred pounds to + her dog. It would be interesting to hear the family solicitor + asking him whether he would take it in War Bonds or bones.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Timber Commission reports a grave shortage of birch, and + a number of earnest ushers are asking, "What is the use of the + censorship?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is now declared that the high explosive found on Countess + MARKIEVICZ'S "green scouts" was not intended for destructive + purposes. Mr. DE VALERA, M.P., was merely going to eat it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Many grocers and publicans, it is stated, have already been + combed out of the Welsh coal mines. Efforts to comb the others + out of their gold mines are meeting with only indifferent + success.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>British grit will win, declares Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON. If + some of our elderly statesmen will refrain from dropping theirs + into the machinery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The London Fire Brigade has been given permission to form a + band. The lack of some method of keeping the crowd amused at + the more protracted fires has often proved an embarrassment to + the force.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The big elephant at the Zoo has been destroyed, says a news + item. A maximum price for potted game is already being + considered by the Food Ministry.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Charged with selling bacon that was bad, a firm of grocers + pleaded that the stuff had been released by the Government. At + first sight it looked as if it had merely escaped from + custody.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The man who was last week charged at a London police court + with posing as a Government official has been put back for the + state of his mind to be inquired into.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/391.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/391.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Scandalised Voice from Gallery</i>. + "'ERE, <i>WOT</i>'S THE PAPER CONTROLLER DOIN'?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The late Mr. Merryweather, who was in his 78th year, + was responsible for great developments in fire-lighting + appliances."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A good scheme—light it first and fight it + afterwards.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Supposing a wolf were to attack you and your family, + what would you do?—Mr. Hedderwick.</p> + + <p>"I would point out that season tickets are issued by + railway companies only as an act of grace.—Sir + William Forbes."—<i>The Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our contemporary heads this "Words Winged To-day."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From "A Word to the Churches," by Miss MARIE + CORELLI:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'A word' of solemn warning was uttered by the Angel of + the Seven Spirits to the Church in Sardis....</p> + + <p>"And this 'word' was fulfilled to the letter, for, as + Herodotus tells us, 'Sardis was taken and utterly + sacked.'"—<i>Daily Graphic</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We fancy the passage must occur in Book X., in which we also + find the famous account of the capture of Timbuctoo by the + Roman Emperor Montezuma in the fourth Punic War—or was it + the fifth Crusade?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page392" + id="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span> + + <h2>TO THE GERMAN PEOPLE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Each to his taste: if you prefer</p> + + <p class="i2">The KAISER'S whip across your flanks;</p> + + <p>If you enjoy the bloody spur</p> + + <p class="i2">That rips your cannon-fodder's ranks;</p> + + <p>If to his boots you still adhere,</p> + + <p class="i2">Kissing 'em as you've always kissed + 'em,</p> + + <p>Why, who are we to interfere</p> + + <p class="i2">With your internal Teuton system?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If from your bonds you know quite well</p> + + <p class="i2">You might, this moment, find release,</p> + + <p>Changing, at will, your present hell</p> + + <p class="i2">For Liberty's heaven of lasting + peace;</p> + + <p>If yet, for habit's sake, you choose</p> + + <p class="i2">This reign of steel, this rule of + terror,</p> + + <p>It's not for us to push our views</p> + + <p class="i2">And point you out your silly error.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Herein I speak as I am taught—</p> + + <p class="i2">That your affairs are yours alone,</p> + + <p>Though, for myself, I should have thought</p> + + <p class="i2">They had a bearing on my own;</p> + + <p>Have I no right to interpose,</p> + + <p class="i2">Urging on you a free autonomy,</p> + + <p>Just as your U-boats shove their nose</p> + + <p class="i2">In my interior economy?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm told we have no quarrel, none,</p> + + <p class="i2">With you as Germans. That's absurd.</p> + + <p>Myself, I hate all sorts of Hun,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet will I say one kindly word:</p> + + <p>If, still refusing Freedom's part,</p> + + <p class="i2">You keep the old Potsdam connection,</p> + + <p>With all my sympathetic heart</p> + + <p class="i2">I wish you joy of that selection.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN ORDER OF THE DAY.</h2> + + <p>In my opinion the value of the stock letter has distinct + limitations. What I mean to say is that if there is in a + Government office a series of half a dozen standard epistles, + one or other of which can be used as a reply to the majority of + the conundrums that daily serve to bulge the post-bag of the + "controller" or "director," the selection of the appropriate + missive should not be left purely to chance.</p> + + <p>Last month I wrote to the Methylated Spirit + Controller:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DEAR SIR,—Referring to the recent Methylated + Spirit (Motor Fuel) Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish + to know whether I am at liberty to use my car as a means of + conveyance to a farm about ten miles away where the rabbits + are eating the young blades of wheat. A friend has invited + me to help him shoot them—the rabbits, I mean."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Well, that was lucid enough, wasn't it? But the reply was + not so helpful as I could have wished. It opened intelligibly + with the words "Dear Sir," but continued:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to + inform you that the employment of a hackney motor vehicle, + not licensed to ply for hire, as a conveyance to divine + service constitutes a breach of Regulation 8 ZZ of the + Defence of the Realm Regulations."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Not a word about the rabbits, you see.</p> + + <p>I was so fascinated by the unexpected results of my first + effort that I tried again, this time breaking new ground.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DEAR SIR," I wrote,—"Referring to Methylated + Spirit (Motor Fuel) Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, am I at + liberty to use my car daily to take my children to their + school, which is five miles from my residence? The only + alternative form of conveyance available is a donkey and + cart, the employment of which means that my offspring would + have to start overnight."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I received a quite polite but rather chilly + answer:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to + inform you that the class of necessary household affairs + for which methylated spirit may be employed as a motor fuel + comprises the conveyance from the nearest convenient source + of supply of foodstuffs, fuel and medical requisites, + provided that they cannot be obtained without undue delay + by any means of conveyance other than a motor car."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>My interest thoroughly stimulated by this time, I made yet + one more attempt. I wrote:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DEAR SIR,—Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor + Fuel) Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to sell my + car"—which was true—"but how, as I am now + practically debarred from driving it on the road, am I to + give an intending purchaser a trial run?"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This was evidently a shrewd thrust, which required + consideration, and I heard nothing for a fortnight, during + which I disposed of the car to the proprietor of the local + garage. At last the well-known O.H.M.S. envelope gladdened my + eyes. The letter within it, apologetic but dignified in tone, + is, I fancy, the most popular in stock. It said:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to + express regret that there is no trace of the correspondence + to which you refer."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I left it at that.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SUGAR CARDS AND WILLS.</h2> + + <h4><i>To the Manager of the Legal Department, + "Punch."</i></h4> + + <p>Sir,—I am one of the executors and trustees of the + will of a relation who cannot, I fear, live for many weeks. + Included in his property will be a sugar card; and to you, Sir, + I turn for advice and guidance in the responsibilities which I + am shortly to assume.</p> + + <p>1. Will the Government accept a sugar card (as they do War + Stock) in payment of Estate Duty?</p> + + <p>2. What is the correct method of valuation? Does one + calculate the market price by so many years' purchase based on + one's estimate of the duration? Or will quotations be + obtainable on the Stock Exchange?</p> + + <p>3. My relative has left it in the discretion of his Trustees + to distribute a part of his estate for charitable purposes. + Could the Trustees, under their discretionary power, hand the + card to the Trafalgar Square authorities in reduction of the + National Debt? Or ought they first to obtain the consent of the + residuary legatees?</p> + + <p>4. There is a tenancy for life of part of the residue. If + the card is comprised in such part, and the tenant for life + became bankrupt, would the card vest in his Trustee in + Bankruptcy? If so, what becomes of the remaindermen's rights? + Perhaps the best plan would be to put on a <i>distringas</i> + with the deceased's grocer.</p> + + <p>5. Have the Trustees power on their own initiative to lease + the card for a term of years? Or should the approval of the + transaction by the Court, under the Settled Estates Act, be + first obtained?</p> + + <p>6. With whom do the Executors register the Probate, so as to + perfect their title? Lord RHONDDA, Sir A. YAPP, or the + grocer?</p> + + <p>7. On the true construction of the Finance Acts, 1894-1916, + do you consider that a sugar card is "Free Personal Property," + or "Settled Property," or "An Estate by itself," or "Property + in which the deceased's interest was less than an absolute + interest." The card is apparently "aggregable" with something + or other for the purposes of duty. Would this be the testator's + furniture?</p> + + <p>Yours, etc., A CONSTANT READER.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page393" + id="page393"></a>[pg 393]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/393.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/393.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page394" + id="page394"></a>[pg 394]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/394.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/394.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>First Tommy</i> (<i>in lorry</i>). "YOU'VE STOOD + THERE WATCHING US LONG ENOUGH. I SUPPOSE YOU FIND US + INTERESTING?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Tommy</i>. "NOA. A WUR JUST THINKIN' O' WHEN + T' PUNCH AND JUDY SHOW USED TO COOM TO OORR VILLAGE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <h3>LXVII.</h3> + + <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,—In the little village I'm thinking of + it is a sight on no account to be missed to see the same old + British Tommy shopping by telepathy. He doesn't speak their + language and they don't speak his, and when the article + required is not in the window or on the counter to be indicated + by the thumb, a deadlock would appear to be inevitable. Our + Master Thomas, however, never did realise what a deadlock is; + he goes on till he gets what he wants. So you see them in + pairs, taking up a stolid position at the counter, obstinately + stating and re-stating their demands in a composite language of + which the foreign element is almost negligible, until the + merchant or his wife gives in and produces the article + required. I know one simple soldier who managed to reconcile + himself to the confirmed habit amongst the French people of + addressing each other in the French language, but could never + understand their addressing horses and dogs in such an + unintelligible tongue. "If you want a dog to come 'ere, why not + say 'Come 'ere!' and 'ave done with it?" Men may learn strange + lingoes to humour their fellow-men, but how can any dog be + expected to understand "<i>Viens ici</i>"?</p> + + <p>Three years and some odd months have not changed this point + of view; and now for Thomas to find himself in Italy is only to + discover another lot of unfortunate people who cannot + understand or make themselves understood. A little thing like + that, however, is not going to be allowed to stand between + friends; already new words and phrases are being coined, + mutually acceptable to both parties.</p> + + <p>The first sign I saw of our arrival in this country was a + derelict mess-tin on a country station platform; at the next + station I saw a derelict rifle; at the next a whole derelict + kit, and lastly a complete-in-all-parts derelict soldier. He + was surrounded by a small crowd of native men, women and + children, anxious to show their appreciation of his nation by + assisting himself. They were doing their utmost to ascertain + his needs; they were trying him with slices of bread, a + <i>fiasco</i> of chianti, words of intense admiration, flowers. + It was none of these things he wanted; he had only missed his + train and wanted to know what to do about it. But how were they + to know that? When a Latin misses his train he doesn't sit down + stolidly and think slowly.</p> + + <p>I went to his aid. From the manner in which he rose to + salute me they guessed that I was the Commander-in-Chief of all + the English, and were for giving me an ovation. Thomas + explained his trouble to me in half-a-dozen words; I solved it + for him in even fewer. Thomas and I quite understood each + other, and there was no want of sympathy and fellow-feeling + between us. To the small crowd, however, this was the extreme + of brutal curtness. They now thought I was of the English + <i>carabinieri</i>, and that Thomas was being led off to his + execution. They were visibly cowed.</p> + + <p>But the situation is not so simple and clearly defined as it + was in the first place. In the old days either we were English + and they weren't, or they were French and we weren't. There was + no <i>tertium quid</i>. Now things are more complicated. As + Thomas and I stood on the platform, loving each other silently + and unostentatiously, a cheery musical train of <i>poilus</i> + laboured into the station. There was nothing silent or curt + about them: they were all for bread and chianti and flowers and + ovations or any other old thing the crowd cared to offer. + Anything for a jest and to pass the time of day. Between the + French troops and the Italian crowd the matter was clear + enough. Next-door neighbours, molested by the same gang of + roughs in the same brutal manner, quite understand each other + and the general situation when they climb over each other's + garden fences to put the matter to rights. It was the presence + of Thomas and myself which put such an odd complexion on the + whole affair.</p> + + <p>Between ourselves and the crowd it was "Long live Italy!" + and "Long live England!" Between the <i>poilus</i> and the + crowd it was "Long live Italy!" and "Long live France!" But + between the <i>poilus</i> and ourselves there were no signs of + any desire that England or France might endure another day. And + yet the crowd couldn't suppose that we didn't like each other, + for the knowing looks which passed between the hilarious + <i>poilu</i> and slowly smiling Thomas clearly indicated some + strange and intimate relation. The crowd just didn't know what + to make of it all and what exactly was between these odd + strangers, who seemed to have everything in common but nothing + to say to each other. For ourselves, I think it made us feel + homesick, and the home which Thomas and I felt sick for (if you + can believe it of us) was a certain estaminet we know of and a + cup of caffy-o-lay. It was at this moment I first realised + that, as between England and France, there are no longer such + things as foreigners; either we've become French or they've + become English, or else the two of us have combined into a new + mixture which hasn't yet got a name to it.</p> + + <p>I think, though one doesn't talk much out here about + glorious alliances, some deep feelings were being felt all + round. Diversion was ultimately provided by the arrival of an + imposing figure in dark blue, with a lot of gilt about him. The + <i>poilu</i> put him down as an Italian cavalry officer, and + expressed the further hope that Italy would endure for ever. + The Italian crowd took him for something English, but not being + able to judge whether he was greater or less than myself, + contented themselves with an attitude of non-committal + reverence all round. Thomas informed me that he was a French + Staff Officer and displayed no further interest. Though I + cannot tell you what in the name of goodness he was doing in + those parts, he was in fact an American Naval Officer,</p> + + <p>In short, Charles, alliances are + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page395" + id="page395"></a>[pg 395]</span> things as wonderful to see + as they are magnificent to read about. I do, however, regard + with something approaching alarm the new language which will + be evolved to put the lot of us on complete speaking + terms.</p> + + <p>Yours ever, HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/395.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/395.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THERE AN AIR-RAID ON?"</p> + + <p>"YES, I THINK SO."</p> + + <p>"I'M MUCH OBLIGED. MY FRIEND'S UP FROM THE COUNTRY AND + HE'S NEVER SEEN ONE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Light Repast.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Under existing conditions, it is the duty of every + citizen to confine his present consumption to an average of + six matches a day, which with careful economy ought to + suffice for all reasonable meals during the present + emergency."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At Leeds Assizes yesterday sentences were passed by Mr. + Justice Boche ..."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Does not this almost amount to contempt of court?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From a speech by the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"That would he a crying evil, to leave the poor people + in the city without milk. It would be a wise thing if the + Corporation would take the bull by the horns and deal with + the matter."—<i>Dublin Evening Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It might be still wiser to tackle the cow at the udder + end.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE INCORRUPTIBLES.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Herr SCHÄFF, writing in the <i>Tägliche + Rundschau</i> on the spiritual grandeur of Germany, + declares that the degradation of her enemies will not + prevent her doing honour to those dauntless men who in + enemy and neutral countries have stood for truth and + actualities. "The time will come when we shall mention + their names and call them our friends. After the War we + shall do homage to these men and to their incorruptible + conduct. We shall erect monumental brasses in their honour. + They are heroes, and their memories shall be + consecrated."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A literary spokesman of the Huns</p> + + <p>Pays liberal homage to those "dauntless" sons</p> + + <p>Of hostile nations, who have all along</p> + + <p>Maintained their fellow-countrymen were wrong.</p> + + <p>No guerdon for their courage is too great,</p> + + <p>But, till the War is ended, they must wait;</p> + + <p>Then shall Germania, with grateful soul,</p> + + <p>Inscribe their names upon her golden roll;</p> + + <p>And "monumental brasses" shall attest</p> + + <p>The zeal wherewith they strove to foul their + nest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such homage no one grudges them in lands</p> + + <p>Where eulogy for deep damnation stands;</p> + + <p>But in the Motherland they still infest</p> + + <p>How shall we treat this matricidal pest?</p> + + <p>No torture, not the worst their patrons use</p> + + <p>On starving women or on shipwrecked crews,</p> + + <p>No pain however bitter would requite</p> + + <p>Their transcendental infamy aright.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Death in whatever form were all too mild</p> + + <p>For those who at their country's anguish smiled.</p> + + <p>Oblivion is by far the bitterest woe</p> + + <p>England's professional revilers know,</p> + + <p>Who joyously submit to be abhorred</p> + + <p>But suffer grinding torments if ignored.</p> + + <p>So let them live, renounced by their own sons,</p> + + <p>And taste the amnesty that spares and shuns.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mrs. J.M. B—— (<i>née</i> Nurse + ——), a son."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Nurses, like poets, are born, not made.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page396" + id="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span> + + <h2>THE PLAY'S THE THING.</h2> + + <p>Just outside Mrs. Ropes' drive gates there lies a famous and + exclusive golf course, and when she turned her house into a + Convalescent Home the secretary wrote offering the hospitality + of the club to all officers who might come under her care.</p> + + <p>Nevertheless, when Haynes and I first arrived, we were both + too languid and feeble for any more exacting form of athletics + than spillikins and jigsaws, and it was some time before the + M.O. gave us permission to go on the links.</p> + + <p>"And remember," he added, "gently to begin with. Stop at the + thirteenth hole."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Of course," I said apologetically to Haynes as we neared + the club-house, "I was pretty putrid before the War, so I shall + be simply indescribable now."</p> + + <p>"My dear chap, this isn't going to be a match. Keep your + excuses till we play serious golf. To-day's just a gentle knock + round. Here we are. I'll go and borrow some clubs; you get a + couple of caddies."</p> + + <p>Five minutes later he rejoined me, carrying two sets of + clubs.</p> + + <p>"Hallo!" he remarked in surprise. "I didn't know you'd + brought your family. Introduce me."</p> + + <p>"Mabel," I said, "and Lucy—our caddies."</p> + + <p>"Girls?"</p> + + <p>"They have that appearance. Why not?"</p> + + <p>"They'll cramp my style horribly; I like to be free."</p> + + <p>"Can't you be free in French for once?"</p> + + <p>"Most unsatisfying. Why didn't you get boys?"</p> + + <p>"The caddy-master says (<i>a</i>) girls are better; + (<i>b</i>) he has no boys; (<i>c</i>) all the boys he has are + booked by plutocrats with season tickets."</p> + + <p>"Oh, all right. Here are your clubs—the pro. gave me + the only two sets he had available. You're a bit taller than I + am, so I've given you the long ones."</p> + + <p>I looked at them critically.</p> + + <p>"Doesn't a pair of stilts go with them?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Well, mine are worse. Just a bundle of toothpicks. Here, + catch hold, Lucy."</p> + + <p>Mabel teed up for me. I selected a driver about the length + of a telegraph pole and swept my ball away. It stopped just + short of the first bunker.</p> + + <p>Haynes bent himself double to address his ball, but + straightened up while swinging and missed it by a foot. At the + second attempt he hooked it over square-leg's head on to the + fairway of the eighteenth hole.</p> + + <p>"<i>Sacré bleu!</i>" he said with very fair freedom, + "I'm not going all that way after it. Lucy, run and fetch it, + there's a dear."</p> + + <p>Lucy, highly scandalized at the idea of losing a hole so + tamely, started off; Mabel and Haynes and I went after my + ball.</p> + + <p>I took the mashie, because I distrusted my ability to carry + the bunker with another telegraph pole. That mashie would have + been about the right length for me if I could have stood on a + chair while making my stroke. As it was it entered the ground + two feet behind the ball and emerged, with a superb divot, just + in front.</p> + + <p>"Aren't there <i>any</i> short clubs in the bag, Mabel?" I + asked. She handed me a straight-faced putter ...</p> + + <p>Five strokes later I picked my ball up out of the + bunker.</p> + + <p>"I'm over-exerting myself," I said. "We'll call that hole a + half."</p> + + <p>Neither of us was satisfied with his tee shot at the next + hole. I picked my ball out of a gorse-bush, and Haynes rescued + his from a drain. Then we strolled amicably towards the third + tee. Our caddies, unused to such methods, followed + reluctantly.</p> + + <p>"Was that 'ole 'alved, too, Sir?" piped Mabel with anxious + interest.</p> + + <p>"It's a nice point. I hardly know. Why?"</p> + + <p>She hung her head and blushed. A sudden suspicion struck + me.</p> + + <p>"Mabel," I said sternly, "are you—<i>can</i> you + be—<i>betting</i> on this game?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," she answered with a touch of defiance. "Boys + always does."</p> + + <p>I told Haynes, who appeared profoundly shocked.</p> + + <p>"Good G——! I mean, <i>Mon dieu!</i>" he + exclaimed. "What are we doing?"</p> + + <p>"Surely you can't hold us responsible? The child's parents + ..."</p> + + <p>"I don't mean <i>that</i>, you ass. Here we have the + innocent public putting its money on our play, and we're + treating the whole thing as a joke. This has got to be a match, + after all. A woman's fortune hangs upon the issue—doesn't + it, Lucy?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," she answered without comprehension.</p> + + <p>From this point the game became a grim struggle. I won the + third hole in seventeen, but Haynes took the fourth in nineteen + to my twenty-two.</p> + + <p>At the fifth I noticed a pond guarding the green. I + carefully circumvented this with my faithful putter and holed + out in my smallest score of the round so far.</p> + + <p>"Hi!" shouted Haynes. "How many?" He had been having a + little hockey practice by himself in the rough, and was now + preparing to play an approach shot across the pond.</p> + + <p>"Twelve!"</p> + + <p>"Then I've this for the hole," he yelled, and topped his + ball gently into the water ...</p> + + <p>So it went on—what the papers call a ding-dong + struggle. Suffice it to say that at the twelfth I was dormy one + and in a state of partial collapse.</p> + + <p>The thirteenth is a short hole. You drive from a kind of + pulpit, and the green is below you, protected by large + stiff-backed bunkers like pews.</p> + + <p>"Last hole, thank Heaven," panted Haynes. "I couldn't bear + much more. I'm all of a dither as it is."</p> + + <p>Mabel, twittering with excitement, teed up. I looked at the + green lying invitingly below and took that gigantic putter. The + ball, struck with all my little remaining strength, flew + straight towards the biggest bunker, scored a direct hit on the + top of it, bounced high in the air—and trickled on to the + green.</p> + + <p>Haynes invoked the Deity (even at that stressful moment, to + his eternal credit, in French) and took his miniature driver. + His ball, hit much too hard, pitched in the same bunker, + crossed it, climbed up the face of it, and joined mine on the + green. Utterly unnerved, we toddled down and took our putts. + Haynes, through sheer luck (as he admits), laid his ball stone + dead; I had a brain-storm and over-ran the hole, leaving myself + a thirty-foot putt for the match. I took long and careful aim, + but my hands were shaking pitifully. The ball started on a + grotesquely wrong line, turned on a rise in the ground, + cannoned off a worm-cast and plopped into the tin. Mabel gave a + shriek of joy, and Lucy—well, I regret to say that Lucy + made use of a terse expression the French equivalent of which + her employer had been at great pains to remember. Haynes and I + lay flat on the ground, overcome as much by emotion as by our + physical weakness.</p> + + <p>At last I struggled to a sitting posture.</p> + + <p>"Mabel," I croaked, "I shall want at least ten per cent. + commission for that. How much have you won?"</p> + + <p>"Please, Sir," she cooed happily, "a 'a'p'ny, Sir."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE MERRY WIDOW (grass).</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mother's help, to assist lady; husband away; happy + home."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A St. Cleather man, who had planted a wastrel, is to be + invited to attend the next meeting."—<i>Western + Morning News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Surely they don't want the wastrel dug up again.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page397" + id="page397"></a>[pg 397]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/397.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/397.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>FRATERNISING AT THE FRONT.</h3> + + <p><i>Nervous Tommy</i> (<i>on outpost duty for the first + time</i>). "'OO GOES THERE?"</p> + + <p><i>Bosch Scout</i>. "FRIEND."</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "ADVANCE AN' BE RECONCILED."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A NEW USE FOR LATIN.</h2> + + <h3>BY OUR CLASSICAL EXPERT.</h3> + + <p>"Greek is in the last ditch," writes Sir HENRY NEWBOLT in + his <i>New Study of English Poetry</i>; "Latin is trembling at + sight of the thin edge of the wedge." Still a hope of saving + Latin—within limits—yet remains, if the appeal of + "Kismet" in <i>The Spectator</i> meets with a sympathetic + response. He asks the readers of that journal "to render into + Latin in two or three words the old cricket adjuration, 'Play + the game.'" He has already had some suggestions, including + "<i>Lude ludum</i>," from "an eminent scholar," but, like the + late Mr. TOOLE in one of his most famous songs, still he is not + happy.</p> + + <p>In rendering colloquial phrases into the lapidary style of + ancient Rome, I confess it is often hard to improve on the + brevity of the vernacular, though the admonition "to keep your + end up" can be condensed from four words to two in "<i>sursum + cauda</i>." Again the familiar eulogy, "Stout fellow," can be + rendered in a single word by the Virgilian epithet + "<i>bellipotens</i>." A distinguished Latinist recalls in this + context the sentiment of the writer, Pomponius + Caninus:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Rebus in adversis comitem sors prospera + pinguem</i></p> + + <p><i>Det mihi.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And to the same authority I am indebted for the following + version of "Don't speak to the man at the wheel:"—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>O silete, circumstantes</i></p> + + <p><i>Nautas rotam operantes.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Though Latin is tottering at our schools it occasionally + pops up in unexpected places. For example, not very long ago I + heard a popular comedian introduce his family motto and + translate it for the benefit of a music-hall audience. Latin + quotations, even from HORACE, have gone out of fashion in the + Houses of Parliament. Perhaps they will revive on the stage. + The unfair preference for Greek shown by doctors in the + nomenclature of disease is perhaps to be explained by the value + of unintelligibility. Did not DAN O'CONNELL, in his famous + vituperative contest with a Dublin washer-woman, triumph in the + long-run by calling her an unprincipled parallelopiped?</p> + + <p>Meanwhile I appeal to the Editor of <i>The Westminster + Gazette</i>, who, in his Saturday edition, has done so much to + maintain the practice of classical composition, to offer a + prize in one of his periodical competitions for the best Latin + version, of "to buck up," "to stick it out," "a bit thick," + "talking through one's hat," "I don't think," "blighter," + "rotter," and "not 'arf."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Ecclesiastical Intelligence.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. Zangwill (the Chief Rabbi) also + spoke."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Following the appointment (recently announced by Mr. Punch) + of Mr. H.G. WELLS as Chaplain to the Forces.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a cattle-auction advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"NOTE.—Pigs and Calves are requested to be forward + by 11 o'clock."—<i>Kirkendbrightshire + Advertiser</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Vive la politesse!</i></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The hereditary privilege of remaining covered in the + presence of the Monarch was granted by Henry VIII. to John + Forester of Watling Street, in + 1570."—<i>Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We wonder what GOOD QUEEN BESS thought about this posthumous + interference on the part of her papa.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S latest novel:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It was, indeed, something of an achievement to get on + terms of confidence with those alien children ... many of + whom had acquired a precocious suspicion of Greeks bearing + gifts. That sense of <i>caveat donor</i> was perhaps their + most pathetic characteristic."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Timeo Danaos et dona accipientes! Which may be roughly + rendered: "I suspect TINO, even when he's in receipt of a + subsidy."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page398" + id="page398"></a>[pg 398]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/398.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/398.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"WELL. IT'S TIME WE WERE OFF. BUT—PARDON ME, MRS. + GOLDBERG—DO YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO WEAR SO MANY + PEARLS AT AN ECONOMY MEETING?"</p> + + <p>"ALL RIGHT. I WON'T IF YOU THINK NOT. BUT AS A MATTER OF + FACT THEY <i>ARE</i> AN ECONOMY. YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND IS + PUTTIN' HIS MONEY IN PEARLS TO SAVE INCOME-TAX."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LAVENDER.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy + Thought;</p> + + <p>I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly + sort;</p> + + <p>And once I 'eld gerani-ums was grander than the + rest,</p> + + <p>But now I likes the lavender, the simple-lookin' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">A little bit o' lavender the best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My mate 'e'd been a gardener; 'is roses wasn't + beat;</p> + + <p>'Is marrers was a marvel and 'is strorberries a + treat;</p> + + <p>But w'en 'e leave 'is corliflow'rs an' lettuce to + enlist,</p> + + <p>'E said it was the lavender, 'is blinkin' bit o' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">A silly patch o' lavender 'e missed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In France I used to foller 'im to gather up the + bits;</p> + + <p>'E "'adn't 'eard" o' snipers and 'e "wasn't 'eedin'" + Fritz;</p> + + <p>Till in a slip o' garden by the Convent 'e was + copped,</p> + + <p>And dahn among the lavender, the trodden sodden + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">The bloody muddy lavender 'e dropped.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A job it was to fix 'im up and do a double bunk,</p> + + <p>But 'e was chattin' casual while I was oozin' + funk;</p> + + <p>'E yarned abaht the bits o' things 'e used to see at + Kew,</p> + + <p>An' told me of the lavender, the tidy lot of + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">The leagues an' leagues o' lavender 'e + grew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They book 'im through to Blighty and 'e drop a line + from 'ome,</p> + + <p>Comparin' clay in Flanders with the proper British + loam;</p> + + <p>"An' w'en you gets yer seven days, you come along + an' see</p> + + <p>The roses an' the lavender, the lavender, the + lavender ...</p> + + <p class="i4">You oughter see the lavender!" says + 'e.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My mate 'e 'ad a sister, w'ich I didn't even + guess</p> + + <p>Till I was at the wicker-gate an' see 'er cotton + dress;</p> + + <p>'Er face was sweet as summer-time an' pretty as a + tune;</p> + + <p>'Er eyes was like the lavender, the blue bewitchin' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">As lovely as the lavender in June.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She bid me welcome kindly, an' as quiet as you + please,</p> + + <p>An' fust we talk o' battlefields an' then we talk o' + bees;</p> + + <p>But, though the 'olly'ocks was aht an' all the roses + red,</p> + + <p>I only see the lavender, the patch o' purple + lavender;</p> + + <p class="i4">"I'm pleased you likes the lavender," she + said.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy + Thought;</p> + + <p>I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly + sort;</p> + + <p>An' once I 'eld gerani-ums was gayer than the + rest,</p> + + <p>But now I likes the lavender, a little sprig o' + lavender,</p> + + <p class="i4">I likes a bit o' lavender the best.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Infant Prodigy.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Sir Frederick Smith, the Attorney-General, is 5, but + does not look it for he keeps a full thatch and a fresh + complexion, and has features so softly contoured that as a + baby he must have been the pride of the + family."—<i>Yorkshire Evening Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Asia in Europe.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Serbia has been crushed, and, with the exception of + Salonika and the regions temporarily held by the British in + Palestine and Mesopotamia, Germany holds command of Middle + Europe.</p> + + <p>"That becomes quite obvious when one looks at the + map."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD in "The Sunday + Chronicle."</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page399" + id="page399"></a>[pg 399]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/399.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/399.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>BETRAYED.</h3>THE PANDER. "COME ON; COME AND BE KISSED + BY HIM." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page400" + id="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/400-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/400-1.png" + alt="" /></a>A STORY LACKING CONFIRMATION. + </div> + + <p><i>Monday, December 3rd.</i>—No further publicity is + to be given to Lord LANSDOWNE'S letter if the Government can + help it. But the author is not to be prosecuted and the rumour + that Lansdowne House has been raided by the police and its + noble owner's type writer confiscated lacks confirmation.</p> + + <p>A long and complicated answer by Mr. CLYNES, describing and + defending the new sugar-cards, was not altogether satisfying. + Sir F. BANBURY'S inquiry, "Does the hon. gentleman think that + anybody will get any sugar after this?" was prompted, no doubt, + by anxiety for the future of his famous cakes; but it expressed + the general doubt.</p> + + <p>Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has hitherto stoutly denied that the + Allies have given ex-KING CONSTANTINE a retiring allowance, + admitted that the Greek Government might make him some payment, + and that the Allies furnished Greece with money. In other + words, Greece has given TINO a penny to play in the next + street, and the Allies have lent her the penny.</p> + + <p>Asked by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT whether the labour expended on + fitting gas-bags to motor cars could not be more usefully + employed, the MINISTER OF NATIONAL SERVICE replied as follows: + "The questions involved in the use of gas-bags, <i>including + that raised by the hon. Member</i>, are being considered." And + Mr. LAMBERT is now wondering whether Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES + intended to be personal.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, December 4th.</i>—In answer to a question + as to what steps the Board of Agriculture was taking to replant + districts denuded of trees, Sir RICHARD WINFREY replied that + "surplus nursery stock" would be transplanted by "gangs of + women." Evidently surprised by the laughter which followed, he + whispered to his neighbour, "Have I said anything very + funny?"</p> + + <p>At the end of a long catechism by Mr. KING regarding the + literature issued by the War Aims Committee, Mr. OUTHWAITE + inquired if it could be sent to Members of the House. Major + GUEST was quite ready to oblige. In his opinion some Members, + including Mr. OUTHWAITE himself, would be much the better for + its perusal.</p> + + <p>Mr. PRATT is about the last Minister whom I should have + suspected of cynicism, but I have my doubts about him now. By + his admission the British Pharmacopoeia (war edition) contains + "Glycerins devoid of glycerin and syrups free from sugar." + "But," he added, "it does not materially lessen their value as + medicines."</p> + + <p>Upon the House being asked to recommit the Representation of + the People's Bill in respect of the provisions dealing with + conscientious objectors and redistribution in Ireland, Mr. + REDMOND, naturally anxious lest the House should imagine that + Ireland's objection to military service was conscientious, + requested the SPEAKER to divide the debate into water-tight + compartments. No artificial restraints, however, could keep Mr. + HEALY within bounds. He ranged at large over Irish history, and + declared that the decision to impose on Ireland a (more or + less) equitable system of representation was an outrage only to + be compared with the breach of the Treaty of Limerick.</p> + + <p>As a humourist on this occasion Mr. HEALY had to yield the + palm to a colleague. The CHIEF SECRETARY incidentally referred + to the arrangement that no contentious business should be taken + during the War. "Except by agreement," interjected Mr. + NUGENT.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/400-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/400-2.png" + alt="" /></a>SUGARLESS BANBURY CAKES. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, December 5th.</i>—Not long ago Lord + ROBERT CECIL referred to a rumour that the German Government + intended to encourage polygamy. Mr. KING, shocked to discover + that this charge rested upon a statement in a neutral + newspaper, protested against the practice of making speeches + "on such miserable foundations." As the bulk of the hon. + Member's own utterances have a similar basis the retort was + almost too obvious; and Mr. BALFOUR in making it must have felt + as if he had shot his bird sitting.</p> + + <p>The courage of the hero who took up the challenge: "Whoever + shall these boots displace, must meet Bombastes face to face," + was comparatively nothing to that of Mr. H.W. FORSTER, who in + the interests of economy has promised to limit the height of + women's boots. There will be much stamping of lofty heels at + this ukase. Sir JOHN REES thought another order lengthening + skirts was the logical corollary, and so it is if the + Government really want "to make both ends meet." But Mr. + FORSTER showed no disposition to embark upon petticoat + government.</p> + + <p>Irish Nationalists worked themselves into seven different + kinds of fury over the decision of the Government to apply the + rules of arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in their + beloved country. Mr. DILLON threatened the House with the + possibility that at the next General Election he and his + colleagues might be wiped out of existence. Scared by this + awful prospect so many Liberals voted against the closure that + the Government only escaped defeat by 29.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, December 6th.</i>—The prospect of an + all-night sitting rendered the House unusually irritable. Mr. + HEALY fulminated at Sir E. CARSON (who was not present) in + language that reminded Colonel SHARMAN-CRAWFORD of "a low + police-court." Mr. DILLON'S high top note was ceaselessly + employed in emitting adjectives more remarkable, as Mr. BONAR + LAW icily observed, for their strength than for their novelty. + At one time it looked as if there was to be a first-class Irish + row. But wiser counsels ultimately prevailed. The House as a + whole was in no mood for protracted discussion in which + non-Irish moonlighters might participate.</p> + + <p>At last there is hope that the instructions of the + FOOD-CONTROLLER will have some practical result. To-day in + reply to a question Mr. CLYNES said, "The order about to be + issued will contain provisions ..." Ah! if it only will.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page401" + id="page401"></a>[pg 401]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/401.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/401.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>EVIDENCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Officer</i>. "NOW, SERGEANT-MAJOR, WHAT MAKES YOU + THINK THIS MAN WAS DRUNK?"</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant-Major</i>. "SIR, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH, + WHEN I MET THE ACCUSED, 'E RAISED 'IS 'AT, ACCOMPANYING THE + MOTION WITH THE WORDS, 'GOOD EVENIN', BLUE BEARD!'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LOST LEADER.</h2> + + <p>The Hillsbury Company of the 2nd Battalion of the Lastshire + Volunteers were being inspected for efficiency by a Captain of + the Grenadier Guards, who had graciously come down and devoted + his Sunday afternoon to this purpose. Forty "A" men had obeyed + their country's call and turned up on parade, and among the + officers was Alfred Herbert, who was a second-lieutenant of the + mature age of fifty. He was enthusiastic, but a slow learner, + always confusing himself and his men. Still, he was obviously + doing his best, and the men forgave him and did <i>their</i> + best to cover up his faults.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Herbert," said the inspecting officer sharply, "be good + enough to take the company out and move them about for a few + minutes."</p> + + <p>Herbert's heart began to beat at the double. He had known + that this ordeal might come, but he had hoped against hope + that, if he made himself small and meek, he would be + overlooked. All was in vain; his time had come. "Drill them as + a company of two platoons," said the stern Guardsman.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," said Herbert. "Shall I—"</p> + + <p>"Take them out at once, Sir. We have no time to waste."</p> + + <p>It was at this moment that Herbert's first dream, or I + should rather say the first phase of his treble dream, began. + He dreamt that he called the company to attention, caused them + to slope arms, and moved them to the right in fours.</p> + + <p>So far so good.</p> + + <p>Now they were in columns of fours and marching gaily.</p> + + <p>"This is a good dream," thought Herbert. "I will get them + into line. On the right, form company!" he shouted at the top + of his voice.</p> + + <p>He had done it. He had got the rear rank in front, and this + is a terrible state of affairs, leading to the most frightful + complications—at any rate in the Lastshire + Volunteers.</p> + + <p>"Move to the right in fours!" he commanded; and then the + trouble began.</p> + + <p>In less than half a minute, forty deserving men, including + N.C.O.'s, were tied up into a series of terrifically + complicated knots, in the midst of which the Company + Sergeant-Major bobbed about, an angry cork on a stormy ocean of + desperate men.</p> + + <p>"Very good, Mr. Herbert, oh, very good indeed," said the + Inspecting Officer.</p> + + <p>At this point Herbert passed into his second phase and + dreamed that it was all a dream.</p> + + <p>But the question remained: what was he to do?</p> + + <p>"Double!" he shouted, and himself gave the example. And as + he ran he passed into his third phase and dreamed it was all + true; and he woke up with a start at the orderly room, and + found that it <i>was</i> true.</p> + + <p>That very evening he resigned his commission, "owing," as he + wrote, "to an incurable habit of getting the rear rank in + front."</p> + + <p>What happened to the men I cannot say with certainty. I + think they are still struggling.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page402" + id="page402"></a>[pg 402]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/402.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/402.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Physical Exercise Instructor</i>. "'ERE, YOU! WHAT + THE DEUCE ARE YOU LARFING AT?"</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. "OH, SERGEANT, I—I WAS THINKING + WHAT PRICELESS BALLY ASSES WE MUST LOOK!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY.</h2> + + <h3>ON THE DANGER OF POPULARITY.</h3> + + <p><i>The Ballybun Binnacle</i> has ceased publication—I + hope temporarily, for I have had to fall back on <i>The + Times</i>. The latter is the better paper for wrapping things + in, and they seem to use a good kind of ink which does not come + off on the butter, but it's a bit weak on its advertising side. + It was O'Mullins across the road who pointed this out to me + first. He had, he says, an advertisement a whole week in <i>The + Times</i> for a total abstainer to make himself otherwise + useful and to mend his stable door; but no apparent notice was + taken of it. The same advertisement had not been a couple of + hours in <i>The Binnacle</i> before three tinkers tried to + steal his horse.</p> + + <p>I have heard people speak well of the editorials in our + chief London rival, but they are not thought much of in + Ballybun; they haven't the flavour. Our paper used to be + strongly political, but the increase in the number of + subscribers did not pay for the libel actions, and so of late + we have been cultivating an open mind and advertisements. It is + true that even so it was impossible for Casey, our editor, to + steer wholly clear of vexed political questions, but his latest + manner was admirably statesmanlike. He would summarise the + opposing views of our eight or nine parties and then state + boldly that he agreed with most of them, and as for the rest he + would not shrink to declare, in the face of the world if + necessary, that they were full of an intellectual Zeitgeist, + unfortunately only too sporadic. He would then sum up by + drawing attention to the bargain sale of white goods at the + Ballybun Emporium. Everybody liked this, and the Ballybun Bon + Marché would send in its advertisement for our next + week's issue.</p> + + <p><i>The Binnacle</i> has ceased publication, of course, + before. When the editor took his summer holiday or went to a + friend's wedding in the country he would often leave the + bringing of it out to his staff. The latter used normally to + edit the sporting and fashionable columns and was called + Flannagan, but had only one eye and was somewhat eccentric. + Flannagan couldn't be bothered sometimes and sometimes he would + go fishing. Still, although the paper would not come out just + when we expected, Flannagan might relent and bring it out two + or three days later, and at all events he always told us the + news whenever he met us in the street.</p> + + <p>Thus we could not strictly say that we had no local + newspaper. But now, I fear, the case is altered, and <i>The + Binnacle</i> has been killed solely by its own popularity.</p> + + <p>It doesn't do for an editor to be too popular. People used + to drop in on Casey at all hours of the day and lend a hand and + smoke his tobacco and try to borrow money. His sanctum became + the fashionable lounge of the Ballybun <i>élite</i>. A + great gap was caused in the front of the paper amongst the best + paying advertisements by Kelly's trying to clean his pipe with + part of the linotype machine. Casey noticed this, and further + attributed the matter to the Censor, whom he attacked + vigorously in a leading article for trying to throttle the + safety-valve of trade by inoculating the thin end of the wedge; + he will do this again, he added, at his own peril. He also told + Kelly the same.</p> + + <p>As our respected Member of Parliament is hanging tenaciously + on to life, and we could not very well invite him to create a + vacancy, we were at a loss how to mark our esteem for our + popular editor in a practical manner. Casey himself suggested a + testimonial. His friends, however, said that nothing sordid + should ever enter into the feelings with which they regarded + him, and decided finally on electing him to the second highest + office a layman in our part can hope to hold. He was elected + Judge—"unanimously," as he put it, "by 29 to 3"—and + the race meeting came off last week. We hate to hold it in + war-time, but the breed of horses and bookies must be kept up. + Even the bed-ridden took a day off and trooped to it.</p> + + <p>Picture the feelings of the crowd when Casey merged the + judge into the editor and kept declaring race after race a dead + heat. They rose at him as one man and clamoured for souvenirs. + What was left of Casey shook the dust + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page403" + id="page403"></a>[pg 403]</span> of Ballybun off his feet, + while our impulsive patriots were smashing his office + furniture.</p> + + <p>This only proves what I have often maintained, that + popularity always makes a man unpopular in the long run. + Meanwhile <i>The Ballybun Binnacle</i> has ceased to appear, + but I see from <i>The Times</i> there has been a movement in + Berlin in favour of letting bygones be bygones.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BOOKS AND BOOKS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The last books of the Winter season are creeping out, + and some are important and some are not."—<i>Daily + Chronicle</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The last books of Winter,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some slim and some stout,</p> + + <p>From the hands of the printer</p> + + <p class="i2">Are now "creeping out";</p> + + <p>And it's helpful to learn from</p> + + <p class="i2">A man on the spot</p> + + <p>That some are important</p> + + <p class="i2">And others are not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet the conviction</p> + + <p class="i2">Expressed in this guise</p> + + <p>In the matter of fiction</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd like to revise;</p> + + <p>For of the romances</p> + + <p class="i2">Unceasingly shot</p> + + <p>From the press, most are piffle</p> + + <p class="i2">And very few not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From minstrelsy's <i>mêlée</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Its foam and its surge,</p> + + <p>A Keats or a Shelley</p> + + <p class="i2">May haply emerge;</p> + + <p>Or there may be a Tupper</p> + + <p class="i2">To leaven the lot—</p> + + <p>Some bards are immortal</p> + + <p class="i2">And others are not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We're certain to meet with—</p> + + <p class="i2">The stock never fails—</p> + + <p>Some Memoirs replete with</p> + + <p class="i2">Fatiguing details;</p> + + <p>But the chance isn't great of</p> + + <p class="i2">A Lockhart and Scott,</p> + + <p>Or a Boswell and Johnson—</p> + + <p class="i2">No, certainly not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some prophet whose coming</p> + + <p class="i2">Is yet undivined</p> + + <p>May set the world humming</p> + + <p class="i2">And stagger mankind;</p> + + <p>It may be a Darwin</p> + + <p class="i2">Some publisher's got</p> + + <p>Up his sleeve, or it may be</p> + + <p class="i2">Some one who is not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There may be some clinkers</p> + + <p class="i2">Now "creeping" to light,</p> + + <p>Tremendous deep thinkers</p> + + <p class="i2">Or high in their flight;</p> + + <p>There may be diffusers</p> + + <p class="i2">Of air that is hot;</p> + + <p>There may be a Bergson,</p> + + <p class="i2">Again there may not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though the publishing season</p> + + <p class="i2">Is now on the wane,</p> + + <p>This isn't a reason</p> + + <p class="i2">Why we should complain;</p> + + <p>For the view of the expert—</p> + + <p class="i2">His "i's" when we dot—</p> + + <p>Is that some books are useful,</p> + + <p class="i2">But most of them rot.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/403.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/403.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>playfully</i>). "WHAT—HAVEN'T + YOU FINISHED YET?"</p> + + <p><i>Sandy</i> (<i>regarding cake, from which he has been + told to help himself</i>). "AH, BUT YE KEN, A CAKE O' THIS + SIZE ISNA SAE SOON EATEN AS YE MAY THENK."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From the report of a speech by the Chief Justice of New + Zealand:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"His Excellency the Governor may make any conditions he + pleases. In fact it is a case of 'Hoc volo sic jubes; sit + pro ratione valunters.' I do not think the word can be read + in that wide sense."—<i>New Zealand Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Nor do we.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"INDIAN DEFENCE FORCE ORDERS. CALCUTTA + SOTTISH."—<i>The Empire</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Defendant was fined 20s. for the abusive language + which, said the Chairman, was the worst the Magistrates had + ever seen."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Or even tasted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Antiques are the 'best sellers' at all bazaars, and one + meets hunters of them all over the country. I hear of Mrs. + —— engaged on the chase at Bath for her charity + scheme. The Duchess of —— was there, too, + taking the waters."—<i>Daily Mirror</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Some of our collectors will stop at nothing.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page404" + id="page404"></a>[pg 404]</span> + + <h2>ART TO THE RESCUE.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/404-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/404-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>No means to get people to invest in War Bonds can be + seriously objected to; but I must confess that when, on a + railway station hoarding, I caught sight of a poster + representing WHISTLER'S famous portrait of his mother, with the + words, "Old Age is Coming," printed across it, beneath an + appeal to the public to be prudent about the future by buying + Government stock now, I experienced a jolt. Because this + picture has always been one of the sacred things, and to see it + again was a necessary part of any visit to Paris. As to the + shock which the sight would have caused the painter, were he + alive to-day, the pen prefers to say little. Even with three + patriotic motives to control him—for he was American by + birth, French by sympathy, and English by + residence—WHISTLER must have delivered his mind. That he + would consider this anything but a gentle art of breaking + enemies, is certain; nor can I see him holding his peace about + it.</p> + + <p>Personally, however, I got over my own sense of the outrage + very quickly. For the new War Bonds must succeed, and the end + justifies the means, however desperate—that is how I + looked at it, and therefore, instead of maintaining an attitude + of preciosity, I began to wonder how I could assist the + authorities (who had dared to bend the Butterfly to their + purpose) to further useful acts of vandalism. Nothing should, I + determined, stand in my way. Where they were merely "hairy," I + would be absolutely bald-headed. Hence, if there is anything in + the suggestions that follow which may set the teeth of the + reverent on edge, it must be attributed to honest zeal. All + that I want is for the Kennedy-Jones of the movement to lift + Art from her pedestal for a few days only—in the + interests of the Allies and to the lasting detriment of + Germany—and then replace her. But there is no need to + trouble about the replacing. That will be automatic.</p> + + <p>Beginning with the postulate that War's sinews must be + forthcoming, or HAIG and BYNG will batter at the Hun to + insufficient purpose, we can do anything. Let then, I say, all + the artists be conscripted, whether old masters or young. The + façade of the National Gallery is to-day one vast + hoarding advertising the progress of the Loan; let us go inside + and levy upon its treasures too. A few pictorial suggestions + will be found on this page; others will occur to its + habitués, and doubtless the Trustees (although Lord + LANSDOWNE is one) will be only too glad to fall in with the + project.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/404-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/404-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>BURNE-JONES'S "Cophetua and the Beggar Maid" hangs, for + instance, in the National Gallery—temporarily borrowed + from the Tate—at this moment. It would make a good piece + of propaganda. "Why is the maid a beggar?" "Because her parents + had not provided against the future by provident and patriotic + speculation." Close by hangs, also on loan from the Tate, CECIL + LAWSON'S "Harvest Moon." "Why on this most favourable of nights + is there no raid?" "Because the success of the War Bonds + brought about Germany's surrender." After the authorities' most + admirable and desirable way with WHISTLER'S mother, you can do + anything and should do anything. That is my point.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/404-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/404-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>And not only the National Gallery, but the galleries of + France and Italy, and even Germany herself. Perhaps Germany + first of all, for there would be a piquancy in thus employing + the cherished possessions of the foe. Could not something be + done, for example, with the famous wax bust, the glory of the + Kaiser Friedrich Collection, into which LEONARDO DA VINCI, as a + finishing touch, crammed an early Victorian waistcoat before + delivering the masterpiece to its owner? A really ingenious + organiser should be able to make telling use of that, perhaps + with a play on the word "investment." But meanwhile LEONARDO + would, I am sure, be only too willing to suppress his sensitive + feelings and assist his fellow-countrymen in their stand on the + Piave by contributing "Monna Lisa." Some such words as these + would serve: "Why is she smiling that satisfied smile?" + "Because she has bought a nice little packet of War Bonds and + thus insured a comfortable old age." At the same time TITIAN + could help to save his Venice by lending the "Venus" from the + Uffizi. "Why is this lady so naked?" "Because she neglected to + invest in War Bonds, and thus had nothing with which to buy + clothes later on." Or, if a French or English picture were + preferred, INGRES' "La Source," from the Louvre, or LEIGHTON'S + "Bath of Psyche" from the National Gallery, could be used with + the same touching legend. But I feel that TITIAN should have + the first chance. And there are living painters too who would + come in. Our own old master—AUGUSTUS JOHN (who is now, I + am told, a major)—would, no doubt, be delighted to lend + the hoardings one of the pictures from his exhibition now in + progress. The portrait of Mr. G.B. SHAW, for example, in which + the eyes of the great seer are closed. "Why is this old + gentleman not looking at you?" "Because he is afraid you may + not have bought any War Bonds and he can't bear to see anything + unpatriotic."</p> + + <p>But enough has been said. The National War Bonds must be + sold, and Art must help, and no one must wince.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page405" + id="page405"></a>[pg 405]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/405.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/405.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mother</i> (<i>in course of an arithmetic + lesson</i>). "WHAT IS HALF FOUR?"</p> + + <p><i>Daughter</i>. "TWO."</p> + + <p><i>Mother</i>. "AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HALF + FIVE?"</p> + + <p><i>Daughter</i>. "WELL, MUMMIE, IT DEPENDS WHICH HALF + YOU MEAN—THE TWO OR THE THREE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Many years ago, when I was younger and more optimistic than + to-day, I thought out what struck me as an adventure-story of + wonderful promise, and confided the plot to a friend, reputed + expert in such matters. He heard me with indulgent attention + and, when I had finished, "Capital," says he; "but do you + propose to differentiate it in <i>any</i> way from <i>Dead + Man's Rock?</i>" I am reminded of this ancient wound by the + appearance of a new buccaneering book by Sir ARTHUR + QUILLER-COUCH; and that not only on account of the name of the + author, but because when a tale of this kind begins in Bristol + Docks, with a company that includes an apprentice-hero, a + one-eyed sailor and a parrot of piratical past, it is + impossible not to recall <i>Treasure Island</i>. However this + may be, <i>Mortallone</i> soon attains a development quite + sufficiently original, with an island and a secret and a noble + store of buried treasure, all in doubloons and pieces of eight, + which is exactly how I prefer it. In short a capital yarn, + which did but confirm me in an old resolve that, were I ever + thinking of commencing pirate or starting any unlawful business + of the seas, I should avoid apprentices like the plague. The + second part of <i>Mortallone and Aunt Trinidad</i> (ARROWSMITH) + I found rather less satisfactory. Here a number of tales of the + Spanish Main are supposed to be told by a trio of withered + beldames whose youthful prime was spent as pirate queens. A + striking and novel approach; though my belief in it was + hindered by the discovery that these untutored crones not only + spoke but wrote an admirable, if slightly mannered, prose, akin + to that of STEVENSON or, say, Sir ARTHUR himself. But these be + the carpings of age; I am sure that no boy lucky enough to find + <i>Mortallone</i> among his Christmas presents will leave a + paragraph undevoured.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Dr. H. STUERMER is one of that small band of Germans who + have had the courage to denounce the policy and acts of their + Government. When the War began he joined the German army, + fought in the Masurian operations, was invalided out of the + army at the beginning of 1915, and thereupon became + correspondent in Constantinople of the <i>Kölnische + Zeitung</i>, in which capacity he acted until the end of 1916, + when his too great truthfulness proved distasteful to his + employers and he had to give up his place. Now he resides in + Switzerland and "makes use," he says, "of the opportunity ... + to range himself boldly on the side of truth, and show that + there are still Germans who find it impossible to condone, even + tacitly, the moral transgression and political stupidity of + their own and an allied Government." This is a big undertaking, + but Dr. STUERMER attacks it manfully in his book, <i>Two War + Years in Constantinople</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). He gives a + harrowing description of the sufferings of the Armenians, and + leaves no doubt that he considers Germany responsible for the + massacre of a nation. I advise those who desire first-hand + knowledge of the political schemes and ambitions of the Germans + and their Young Turkish friends to consult this book. It is a + mine of information.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL always packs his novels with sober + stuff and redeems them from any trace of dulness by the skill + with which he handles his theme, and by his + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page406" + id="page406"></a>[pg 406]</span> conscientious study not + only of his characters but of the details of his background. + That background in <i>The Dwelling-Place of Light</i> + (MACMILLAN) is an American cottonmill district with a mixed + alien population of operatives, and trouble brewing as the + result of a headstrong wage-cutting manager, <i>Claude + Ditmar</i>, in conflict with the I.W.W. The phases of this + grim struggle are most forcibly described, the author + holding no brief for either protagonist. And, if widower + <i>Ditmar</i>, man of iron, for whom the Chippering Mill is + his second and abiding mate, be no hero, <i>Janet</i>, his + typist, has the makings of a notable heroine. How this girl, + full of character and of passion bravely restrained, breaks + down the business preoccupation of her chief and how her + courage and steadfast honour convince him that the liaison + he promised himself will not suffice for honour or purified + desire—all this is finely told. It was, however, but a + faltering and slowly-growing conviction, and death claims + him before he can make amends for the wrong into which his + masterful pleading has betrayed her. I never quite precisely + gathered what was "the dwelling-place of light." Anyway it + wasn't the Chippering Mill ... But I was sorry when I + reached the four hundred and ninth and last of the + closely-set pages. Good measure for a book in war-time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Throughout a vagabond career that began in happiness on a + farm and finished, thankfully, amongst the fields, <i>Frank + Rainger</i> followed always the pathway of the broader + experience. Followed it so stoutly and was such good company on + the long road that whether it was high holiday at Cranbrook + Circus with <i>Maggie Coalbran</i>, or a fight for the hopeless + cause of the Southern States in shell-torn Vicksburg, or only + the keeping of eternal lazy summer with the peons of Yucatan, I + was altogether content to go humbly forward with him, convinced + that, as it was written, so and no otherwise should it be. Even + when he deservedly failed to become a shining light in the + literary firmament to which he aspired—an unheard-of + piece of audacity on the part of his authoress—I did not + rebel. Miss SHEILA KAYE SMITH has an essential clarity of + visualisation, a deep and still reserve of unforced pathos and + an exquisite sense of the haunting word, that combine with a + most competent alertness of movement to make her latest + artistic success, <i>The Challenge to Sirius</i> (NISBET), a + book for which I can hardly find adequate words of praise. Most + admirable of all, perhaps, is a strange faculty she has shown + for making one satisfied that her people should remain + perennially rather poor and unambitious and dull, and should + even grow old without occasioning us regret. With the deep + under-drift of the writer's philosophy one may not be + completely in accord, but certainly it will worry nobody, while + the unity and beauty of her methods hold one in willing bondage + from beginning to end. This is real literature, and everyone + should read it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Without any very exceptional gifts as a story-teller + Fleet-Surgeon T.T. JEANS, R.N., scores heavily off most writers + of boys' adventure tales by having actually lived the life he + describes. Here, for instance, in <i>A Naval Venture</i> + (BLACKIE) we do get the real thing, and boys would be + well-advised to sample it and see if it is not preferable to + the kind of adventurous fiction produced so prolifically for + their amusement. Not that this yarn is lacking in adventure; + indeed it is concerned with the Gallipoli campaign, from the + landings until the evacuation, and anything more adventurous it + would be hard to imagine. In reading this story of <i>The + Orphan, The Lamp-post, Bubbles, The Hun, Rawlins and The Pink + Rat</i>, one feels that the author actually knows these + "snotties," with their high courage, animal spirits and + elementary humour. It is in fact history spiced with fiction. + Of all the characters my vote goes to <i>Kaiser Bill</i>, for + although, being a tortoise, he performed no deeds of actual + gallantry, he carried good luck with him wherever he went. + Besides, his name might annoy the ALL-HIGHEST. Mr. JEANS made + an extremely good shot when he drew his bow at <i>A Naval + Venture</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>You would hardly believe what a remarkably unprincipled set + of persons make up the cast of Mr. WILLIAM CAINE'S newest + story. He calls them <i>Drones</i> (METHUEN), but that, I feel, + is a charitable understatement. There was <i>Eric + Wanstanley</i>, rising young sculptor, who, because he didn't + rise quickly enough, was capable of borrowing the savings of + his friend's parlourmaid to work a system at roulette. The + friend, <i>Austin Jenner</i>, was also an artist and also + rising. His little failing was concealment of the fact that he + was almost wholly supported by remittances furnished by his + hard-working brother. Incidentally he was engaged to + <i>Eric's</i> sister, but abandoned her without a qualm for the + beringed hand of one <i>Mrs. Meldrum</i>, a rich widow, known + as The B.Q. (Biscuit Queen). Need I say that <i>Mrs. + Meldrum</i>, moving in these circles, and with ambitions as an + art patroness, lived in Cheyne Walk? Indeed the setting of the + whole comedy is inevitably Chelsea. Having regard to the number + of bad hats among the <i>dramatis personæ</i>, you will + probably not be astonished to be told that their goings-on are + excellently entertaining; though I cannot but think that to + give both his leading lady and his <i>soubrette</i>, or Singing + Chambermaid, the handicap of morally deficient young brothers, + does look like laziness on the part of Mr. CAINE. Surely there + exist other avenues to calamity. But it's an amusing rogues' + comedy.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/406.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/406.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>UNPUBLISHED INCIDENTS IN ANCIENT HISTORY.</h3>PANOPEUS + EXPLAINS HIS MODEL AT THE WAR OFFICE, ATHENS, DURING THE + TROJAN WAR. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>For the Saving of Child-Life.</h3> + + <p>Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON will lecture on "How Dickens' tales came + true," on Friday, December 14th, at 3 o'clock, at 20, Arlington + Street (kindly lent by the Marchioness of Salisbury), in aid of + the Kentish Town Day Nursery. Tickets, £1 1<i>s.</i> + 0<i>d.</i>, 10<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>, 7<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>, may + be obtained from Countess GREY, of Chester Street, N.W.1.</p> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, DEC. 12, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11444-h.txt or 11444-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11444">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11444</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 12, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 4, 2004 [eBook #11444] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, DEC. 12, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11444-h.htm or 11444-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h/11444-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +DECEMBER 12, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A "Company for Oversea Enterprises" has been formed in Hamburg. It has +no connection with the German High Sea Fleet. + + *** + +A guinea a dozen is being offered for rabbits in the Isle of Wight. +Most of them, however, are holding back for a War bonus. + + *** + +A Newcastle man who has been missing for eleven months has just turned +up at his home. He excused himself on the grounds that the tea queue +was rather a long one. + + *** + +There are reports current of an impending strike of brewery workers in +the North. Several employees have threatened to "Down Beer." + + *** + +Confirmation is still awaited of the rumour that several food ships +have recently torpedoed themselves rather than fall into the hands of +the profiteers. + + *** + +The statement that Viscount NORTHCLIFFE has refused the post of +Minister of Health is without foundation. It is no secret, however, +that he would decline the position even if he should offer it to +himself. + + *** + +Double-headed matches are impracticable, according to the Tobacco and +Matches Control Board. The sorts with detachable heads, however, will +continue to be manufactured. + + *** + +A Norfolk fisherman with twenty-six children has been fined five +shillings for neglecting seven of them. His offence is thought to have +been due to oversight. + + *** + +According to the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN there is plenty of food in +Ireland. In the best Sinn Fein circles it is thought that this +condition of things points to an attempt on the part of the Government +to bring discredit on the sacrificial devotion of the Separatists. + + *** + +So realistic has the stage become of late that in _The Boy_ at the +Adelphi, Mr. W.H. BERRY (we give the rumour for what it is worth) +sits down to a meal of wood cutlets. + + *** + +In order that no confusion may be caused among guests the Government +has been requested to have a "take over" whistle blown in the +corridors before they commandeer the next hotel. + + *** + +It seems that TROTZKY is to have no nonsense. He has even threatened +to make lynching illegal. + + *** + +The _Neue Freie Presse_ describes LENIN as the revolutionary with +kings at his feet. He also seems to have several knaves up his sleeve. + + *** + +A Brixton lady has left the sum of four hundred pounds to her dog. It +would be interesting to hear the family solicitor asking him whether +he would take it in War Bonds or bones. + + *** + +The Timber Commission reports a grave shortage of birch, and a number +of earnest ushers are asking, "What is the use of the censorship?" + + *** + +It is now declared that the high explosive found on Countess +MARKIEVICZ'S "green scouts" was not intended for destructive purposes. +Mr. DE VALERA, M.P., was merely going to eat it. + + *** + +Many grocers and publicans, it is stated, have already been combed out +of the Welsh coal mines. Efforts to comb the others out of their gold +mines are meeting with only indifferent success. + + *** + +British grit will win, declares Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON. If some of +our elderly statesmen will refrain from dropping theirs into the +machinery. + + *** + +The London Fire Brigade has been given permission to form a band. The +lack of some method of keeping the crowd amused at the more protracted +fires has often proved an embarrassment to the force. + + *** + +The big elephant at the Zoo has been destroyed, says a news item. A +maximum price for potted game is already being considered by the Food +Ministry. + + *** + +Charged with selling bacon that was bad, a firm of grocers pleaded +that the stuff had been released by the Government. At first sight it +looked as if it had merely escaped from custody. + + *** + +The man who was last week charged at a London police court with posing +as a Government official has been put back for the state of his mind +to be inquired into. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Scandalised Voice from Gallery_. "'ERE, _WOT_'S THE +PAPER CONTROLLER DOIN'?"] + + * * * * * + + "The late Mr. Merryweather, who was in his 78th year, + was responsible for great developments in fire-lighting + appliances."--_Scotsman_. + +A good scheme--light it first and fight it afterwards. + + * * * * * + + "Supposing a wolf were to attack you and your family, what + would you do?--Mr. Hedderwick. + + "I would point out that season tickets are issued by + railway companies only as an act of grace.--Sir William + Forbes."--_The Star_. + +Our contemporary heads this "Words Winged To-day." + + * * * * * + +From "A Word to the Churches," by Miss MARIE CORELLI:-- + + "'A word' of solemn warning was uttered by the Angel of + the Seven Spirits to the Church in Sardis.... + + "And this 'word' was fulfilled to the letter, for, as Herodotus + tells us, 'Sardis was taken and utterly sacked.'"--_Daily + Graphic_. + +We fancy the passage must occur in Book X., in which we also find +the famous account of the capture of Timbuctoo by the Roman Emperor +Montezuma in the fourth Punic War--or was it the fifth Crusade? + + * * * * * + +TO THE GERMAN PEOPLE. + + Each to his taste: if you prefer + The KAISER'S whip across your flanks; + If you enjoy the bloody spur + That rips your cannon-fodder's ranks; + If to his boots you still adhere, + Kissing 'em as you've always kissed 'em, + Why, who are we to interfere + With your internal Teuton system? + + If from your bonds you know quite well + You might, this moment, find release, + Changing, at will, your present hell + For Liberty's heaven of lasting peace; + If yet, for habit's sake, you choose + This reign of steel, this rule of terror, + It's not for us to push our views + And point you out your silly error. + + Herein I speak as I am taught-- + That your affairs are yours alone, + Though, for myself, I should have thought + They had a bearing on my own; + Have I no right to interpose, + Urging on you a free autonomy, + Just as your U-boats shove their nose + In my interior economy? + + I'm told we have no quarrel, none, + With you as Germans. That's absurd. + Myself, I hate all sorts of Hun, + Yet will I say one kindly word: + If, still refusing Freedom's part, + You keep the old Potsdam connection, + With all my sympathetic heart + I wish you joy of that selection. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +AN ORDER OF THE DAY. + +In my opinion the value of the stock letter has distinct limitations. +What I mean to say is that if there is in a Government office a series +of half a dozen standard epistles, one or other of which can be used +as a reply to the majority of the conundrums that daily serve to bulge +the post-bag of the "controller" or "director," the selection of the +appropriate missive should not be left purely to chance. + +Last month I wrote to the Methylated Spirit Controller:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--Referring to the recent Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to know whether I am at + liberty to use my car as a means of conveyance to a farm about ten + miles away where the rabbits are eating the young blades of wheat. + A friend has invited me to help him shoot them--the rabbits, I + mean." + +Well, that was lucid enough, wasn't it? But the reply was not so +helpful as I could have wished. It opened intelligibly with the words +"Dear Sir," but continued:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you + that the employment of a hackney motor vehicle, not licensed to + ply for hire, as a conveyance to divine service constitutes + a breach of Regulation 8 ZZ of the Defence of the Realm + Regulations." + +Not a word about the rabbits, you see. + +I was so fascinated by the unexpected results of my first effort that +I tried again, this time breaking new ground. + + "DEAR SIR," I wrote,--"Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, am I at liberty to use my car + daily to take my children to their school, which is five miles + from my residence? The only alternative form of conveyance + available is a donkey and cart, the employment of which means + that my offspring would have to start overnight." + +I received a quite polite but rather chilly answer:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you + that the class of necessary household affairs for which methylated + spirit may be employed as a motor fuel comprises the conveyance + from the nearest convenient source of supply of foodstuffs, fuel + and medical requisites, provided that they cannot be obtained + without undue delay by any means of conveyance other than a motor + car." + +My interest thoroughly stimulated by this time, I made yet one more +attempt. I wrote:-- + + "DEAR SIR,--Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel) + Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to sell my car"--which was + true--"but how, as I am now practically debarred from driving it + on the road, am I to give an intending purchaser a trial run?" + +This was evidently a shrewd thrust, which required consideration, and +I heard nothing for a fortnight, during which I disposed of the car to +the proprietor of the local garage. At last the well-known O.H.M.S. +envelope gladdened my eyes. The letter within it, apologetic but +dignified in tone, is, I fancy, the most popular in stock. It said:-- + + "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to express + regret that there is no trace of the correspondence to which you + refer." + +I left it at that. + + * * * * * + +SUGAR CARDS AND WILLS. + +_TO THE MANAGER OF THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT, "PUNCH."_ + +Sir,--I am one of the executors and trustees of the will of a relation +who cannot, I fear, live for many weeks. Included in his property will +be a sugar card; and to you, Sir, I turn for advice and guidance in +the responsibilities which I am shortly to assume. + +1. Will the Government accept a sugar card (as they do War Stock) in +payment of Estate Duty? + +2. What is the correct method of valuation? Does one calculate the +market price by so many years' purchase based on one's estimate of the +duration? Or will quotations be obtainable on the Stock Exchange? + +3. My relative has left it in the discretion of his Trustees to +distribute a part of his estate for charitable purposes. Could the +Trustees, under their discretionary power, hand the card to the +Trafalgar Square authorities in reduction of the National Debt? Or +ought they first to obtain the consent of the residuary legatees? + +4. There is a tenancy for life of part of the residue. If the card is +comprised in such part, and the tenant for life became bankrupt, would +the card vest in his Trustee in Bankruptcy? If so, what becomes of +the remaindermen's rights? Perhaps the best plan would be to put on a +_distringas_ with the deceased's grocer. + +5. Have the Trustees power on their own initiative to lease the card +for a term of years? Or should the approval of the transaction by the +Court, under the Settled Estates Act, be first obtained? + +6. With whom do the Executors register the Probate, so as to perfect +their title? Lord RHONDDA, Sir A. YAPP, or the grocer? + +7. On the true construction of the Finance Acts, 1894-1916, do you +consider that a sugar card is "Free Personal Property," or "Settled +Property," or "An Estate by itself," or "Property in which the +deceased's interest was less than an absolute interest." The card is +apparently "aggregable" with something or other for the purposes of +duty. Would this be the testator's furniture? + +Yours, etc., A CONSTANT READER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [struck through: GERMAN] EAST AFRICA.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tommy_ (_in lorry_). "YOU'VE STOOD THERE +WATCHING US LONG ENOUGH. I SUPPOSE YOU FIND US INTERESTING?" + +_Second Tommy_. "NOA. A WUR JUST THINKIN' O' WHEN T' PUNCH AND JUDY +SHOW USED TO COOM TO OORR VILLAGE."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXVII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--In the little village I'm thinking of it is a sight +on no account to be missed to see the same old British Tommy shopping +by telepathy. He doesn't speak their language and they don't speak +his, and when the article required is not in the window or on the +counter to be indicated by the thumb, a deadlock would appear to be +inevitable. Our Master Thomas, however, never did realise what a +deadlock is; he goes on till he gets what he wants. So you see them in +pairs, taking up a stolid position at the counter, obstinately stating +and re-stating their demands in a composite language of which the +foreign element is almost negligible, until the merchant or his wife +gives in and produces the article required. I know one simple soldier +who managed to reconcile himself to the confirmed habit amongst the +French people of addressing each other in the French language, but +could never understand their addressing horses and dogs in such an +unintelligible tongue. "If you want a dog to come 'ere, why not say +'Come 'ere!' and 'ave done with it?" Men may learn strange lingoes to +humour their fellow-men, but how can any dog be expected to understand +"_Viens ici_"? + +Three years and some odd months have not changed this point of view; +and now for Thomas to find himself in Italy is only to discover +another lot of unfortunate people who cannot understand or make +themselves understood. A little thing like that, however, is not going +to be allowed to stand between friends; already new words and phrases +are being coined, mutually acceptable to both parties. + +The first sign I saw of our arrival in this country was a derelict +mess-tin on a country station platform; at the next station I saw +a derelict rifle; at the next a whole derelict kit, and lastly a +complete-in-all-parts derelict soldier. He was surrounded by a small +crowd of native men, women and children, anxious to show their +appreciation of his nation by assisting himself. They were doing their +utmost to ascertain his needs; they were trying him with slices of +bread, a _fiasco_ of chianti, words of intense admiration, flowers. It +was none of these things he wanted; he had only missed his train and +wanted to know what to do about it. But how were they to know that? +When a Latin misses his train he doesn't sit down stolidly and think +slowly. + +I went to his aid. From the manner in which he rose to salute me they +guessed that I was the Commander-in-Chief of all the English, and +were for giving me an ovation. Thomas explained his trouble to me in +half-a-dozen words; I solved it for him in even fewer. Thomas and I +quite understood each other, and there was no want of sympathy and +fellow-feeling between us. To the small crowd, however, this was the +extreme of brutal curtness. They now thought I was of the English +_carabinieri_, and that Thomas was being led off to his execution. +They were visibly cowed. + +But the situation is not so simple and clearly defined as it was in +the first place. In the old days either we were English and they +weren't, or they were French and we weren't. There was no _tertium +quid_. Now things are more complicated. As Thomas and I stood on the +platform, loving each other silently and unostentatiously, a cheery +musical train of _poilus_ laboured into the station. There was nothing +silent or curt about them: they were all for bread and chianti and +flowers and ovations or any other old thing the crowd cared to offer. +Anything for a jest and to pass the time of day. Between the French +troops and the Italian crowd the matter was clear enough. Next-door +neighbours, molested by the same gang of roughs in the same brutal +manner, quite understand each other and the general situation when +they climb over each other's garden fences to put the matter to +rights. It was the presence of Thomas and myself which put such an +odd complexion on the whole affair. + +Between ourselves and the crowd it was "Long live Italy!" and "Long +live England!" Between the _poilus_ and the crowd it was "Long live +Italy!" and "Long live France!" But between the _poilus_ and ourselves +there were no signs of any desire that England or France might endure +another day. And yet the crowd couldn't suppose that we didn't like +each other, for the knowing looks which passed between the hilarious +_poilu_ and slowly smiling Thomas clearly indicated some strange and +intimate relation. The crowd just didn't know what to make of it all +and what exactly was between these odd strangers, who seemed to have +everything in common but nothing to say to each other. For ourselves, +I think it made us feel homesick, and the home which Thomas and I felt +sick for (if you can believe it of us) was a certain estaminet we know +of and a cup of caffy-o-lay. It was at this moment I first realised +that, as between England and France, there are no longer such things +as foreigners; either we've become French or they've become English, +or else the two of us have combined into a new mixture which hasn't +yet got a name to it. + +I think, though one doesn't talk much out here about glorious +alliances, some deep feelings were being felt all round. Diversion was +ultimately provided by the arrival of an imposing figure in dark blue, +with a lot of gilt about him. The _poilu_ put him down as an Italian +cavalry officer, and expressed the further hope that Italy would +endure for ever. The Italian crowd took him for something English, but +not being able to judge whether he was greater or less than myself, +contented themselves with an attitude of non-committal reverence all +round. Thomas informed me that he was a French Staff Officer and +displayed no further interest. Though I cannot tell you what in the +name of goodness he was doing in those parts, he was in fact an +American Naval Officer, + +In short, Charles, alliances are things as wonderful to see as they +are magnificent to read about. I do, however, regard with something +approaching alarm the new language which will be evolved to put the +lot of us on complete speaking terms. + +Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THERE AN AIR-RAID ON?" + +"YES, I THINK SO." + +"I'M MUCH OBLIGED. MY FRIEND'S UP FROM THE COUNTRY AND HE'S NEVER SEEN +ONE."] + + * * * * * + +A LIGHT REPAST. + + "Under existing conditions, it is the duty of every citizen to + confine his present consumption to an average of six matches + a day, which with careful economy ought to suffice for all + reasonable meals during the present emergency."--_Daily Mail_. + + * * * * * + + "At Leeds Assizes yesterday sentences were passed by Mr. Justice + Boche ..."--_Times_. + +Does not this almost amount to contempt of court? + + * * * * * + +From a speech by the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN:-- + + "That would he a crying evil, to leave the poor people in the city + without milk. It would be a wise thing if the Corporation would + take the bull by the horns and deal with the matter."--_Dublin + Evening Mail_. + +It might be still wiser to tackle the cow at the udder end. + + * * * * * + +THE INCORRUPTIBLES. + + [Herr SCHAEFF, writing in the _Taegliche Rundschau_ on the spiritual + grandeur of Germany, declares that the degradation of her enemies + will not prevent her doing honour to those dauntless men who in + enemy and neutral countries have stood for truth and actualities. + "The time will come when we shall mention their names and call + them our friends. After the War we shall do homage to these men + and to their incorruptible conduct. We shall erect monumental + brasses in their honour. They are heroes, and their memories shall + be consecrated."] + + A literary spokesman of the Huns + Pays liberal homage to those "dauntless" sons + Of hostile nations, who have all along + Maintained their fellow-countrymen were wrong. + No guerdon for their courage is too great, + But, till the War is ended, they must wait; + Then shall Germania, with grateful soul, + Inscribe their names upon her golden roll; + And "monumental brasses" shall attest + The zeal wherewith they strove to foul their nest. + + Such homage no one grudges them in lands + Where eulogy for deep damnation stands; + But in the Motherland they still infest + How shall we treat this matricidal pest? + No torture, not the worst their patrons use + On starving women or on shipwrecked crews, + No pain however bitter would requite + Their transcendental infamy aright. + + Death in whatever form were all too mild + For those who at their country's anguish smiled. + Oblivion is by far the bitterest woe + England's professional revilers know, + Who joyously submit to be abhorred + But suffer grinding torments if ignored. + So let them live, renounced by their own sons, + And taste the amnesty that spares and shuns. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. J.M. B---- (_nee_ Nurse ----), a son."--_Scotsman_. + +Nurses, like poets, are born, not made. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAY'S THE THING. + +Just outside Mrs. Ropes' drive gates there lies a famous and exclusive +golf course, and when she turned her house into a Convalescent Home +the secretary wrote offering the hospitality of the club to all +officers who might come under her care. + +Nevertheless, when Haynes and I first arrived, we were both too +languid and feeble for any more exacting form of athletics than +spillikins and jigsaws, and it was some time before the M.O. gave +us permission to go on the links. + +"And remember," he added, "gently to begin with. Stop at the +thirteenth hole." + + * * * * * + +"Of course," I said apologetically to Haynes as we neared the +club-house, "I was pretty putrid before the War, so I shall be simply +indescribable now." + +"My dear chap, this isn't going to be a match. Keep your excuses till +we play serious golf. To-day's just a gentle knock round. Here we are. +I'll go and borrow some clubs; you get a couple of caddies." + +Five minutes later he rejoined me, carrying two sets of clubs. + +"Hallo!" he remarked in surprise. "I didn't know you'd brought your +family. Introduce me." + +"Mabel," I said, "and Lucy--our caddies." + +"Girls?" + +"They have that appearance. Why not?" + +"They'll cramp my style horribly; I like to be free." + +"Can't you be free in French for once?" + +"Most unsatisfying. Why didn't you get boys?" + +"The caddy-master says (a) girls are better; (b) he has no boys; (c) +all the boys he has are booked by plutocrats with season tickets." + +"Oh, all right. Here are your clubs--the pro. gave me the only two +sets he had available. You're a bit taller than I am, so I've given +you the long ones." + +I looked at them critically. + +"Doesn't a pair of stilts go with them?" I asked. + +"Well, mine are worse. Just a bundle of toothpicks. Here, catch hold, +Lucy." + +Mabel teed up for me. I selected a driver about the length of a +telegraph pole and swept my ball away. It stopped just short of the +first bunker. + +Haynes bent himself double to address his ball, but straightened up +while swinging and missed it by a foot. At the second attempt he +hooked it over square-leg's head on to the fairway of the eighteenth +hole. + +"_Sacre bleu!_" he said with very fair freedom, "I'm not going all +that way after it. Lucy, run and fetch it, there's a dear." + +Lucy, highly scandalized at the idea of losing a hole so tamely, +started off; Mabel and Haynes and I went after my ball. + +I took the mashie, because I distrusted my ability to carry the bunker +with another telegraph pole. That mashie would have been about the +right length for me if I could have stood on a chair while making my +stroke. As it was it entered the ground two feet behind the ball and +emerged, with a superb divot, just in front. + +"Aren't there _any_ short clubs in the bag, Mabel?" I asked. She +handed me a straight-faced putter ... + +Five strokes later I picked my ball up out of the bunker. + +"I'm over-exerting myself," I said. "We'll call that hole a half." + +Neither of us was satisfied with his tee shot at the next hole. I +picked my ball out of a gorse-bush, and Haynes rescued his from a +drain. Then we strolled amicably towards the third tee. Our caddies, +unused to such methods, followed reluctantly. + +"Was that 'ole 'alved, too, Sir?" piped Mabel with anxious interest. + +"It's a nice point. I hardly know. Why?" + +She hung her head and blushed. A sudden suspicion struck me. + +"Mabel," I said sternly, "are you--_can_ you be--_betting_ on this +game?" + +"Yes, Sir," she answered with a touch of defiance. "Boys always does." + +I told Haynes, who appeared profoundly shocked. + +"Good G----! I mean, _Mon dieu!_" he exclaimed. "What are we doing?" + +"Surely you can't hold us responsible? The child's parents ..." + +"I don't mean _that_, you ass. Here we have the innocent public +putting its money on our play, and we're treating the whole thing as a +joke. This has got to be a match, after all. A woman's fortune hangs +upon the issue--doesn't it, Lucy?" + +"Yes, Sir," she answered without comprehension. + +From this point the game became a grim struggle. I won the third hole +in seventeen, but Haynes took the fourth in nineteen to my twenty-two. + +At the fifth I noticed a pond guarding the green. I carefully +circumvented this with my faithful putter and holed out in my smallest +score of the round so far. + +"Hi!" shouted Haynes. "How many?" He had been having a little hockey +practice by himself in the rough, and was now preparing to play an +approach shot across the pond. + +"Twelve!" + +"Then I've this for the hole," he yelled, and topped his ball gently +into the water ... + +So it went on--what the papers call a ding-dong struggle. Suffice it +to say that at the twelfth I was dormy one and in a state of partial +collapse. + +The thirteenth is a short hole. You drive from a kind of pulpit, and +the green is below you, protected by large stiff-backed bunkers like +pews. + +"Last hole, thank Heaven," panted Haynes. "I couldn't bear much more. +I'm all of a dither as it is." + +Mabel, twittering with excitement, teed up. I looked at the green +lying invitingly below and took that gigantic putter. The ball, struck +with all my little remaining strength, flew straight towards the +biggest bunker, scored a direct hit on the top of it, bounced high in +the air--and trickled on to the green. + +Haynes invoked the Deity (even at that stressful moment, to his +eternal credit, in French) and took his miniature driver. His ball, +hit much too hard, pitched in the same bunker, crossed it, climbed up +the face of it, and joined mine on the green. Utterly unnerved, we +toddled down and took our putts. Haynes, through sheer luck (as he +admits), laid his ball stone dead; I had a brain-storm and over-ran +the hole, leaving myself a thirty-foot putt for the match. I took long +and careful aim, but my hands were shaking pitifully. The ball started +on a grotesquely wrong line, turned on a rise in the ground, cannoned +off a worm-cast and plopped into the tin. Mabel gave a shriek of +joy, and Lucy--well, I regret to say that Lucy made use of a terse +expression the French equivalent of which her employer had been at +great pains to remember. Haynes and I lay flat on the ground, overcome +as much by emotion as by our physical weakness. + +At last I struggled to a sitting posture. + +"Mabel," I croaked, "I shall want at least ten per cent. commission +for that. How much have you won?" + +"Please, Sir," she cooed happily, "a 'a'p'ny, Sir." + + * * * * * + +THE MERRY WIDOW (GRASS). + + "Mother's help, to assist lady; husband away; happy + home."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + + * * * * * + + "A St. Cleather man, who had planted a wastrel, is to be invited + to attend the next meeting."--_Western Morning News_. + +Surely they don't want the wastrel dug up again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRATERNISING AT THE FRONT. + +_Nervous Tommy_ (_on outpost duty for the first time_). "'OO GOES +THERE?" + +_Bosch Scout_. "FRIEND." + +_Tommy_. "ADVANCE AN' BE RECONCILED."] + + * * * * * + +A NEW USE FOR LATIN. + +BY OUR CLASSICAL EXPERT. + +"Greek is in the last ditch," writes Sir HENRY NEWBOLT in his _New +Study of English Poetry_; "Latin is trembling at sight of the thin +edge of the wedge." Still a hope of saving Latin--within limits--yet +remains, if the appeal of "Kismet" in _The Spectator_ meets with a +sympathetic response. He asks the readers of that journal "to render +into Latin in two or three words the old cricket adjuration, 'Play the +game.'" He has already had some suggestions, including "_Lude ludum_," +from "an eminent scholar," but, like the late Mr. TOOLE in one of his +most famous songs, still he is not happy. + +In rendering colloquial phrases into the lapidary style of ancient +Rome, I confess it is often hard to improve on the brevity of the +vernacular, though the admonition "to keep your end up" can be +condensed from four words to two in "_sursum cauda_." Again the +familiar eulogy, "Stout fellow," can be rendered in a single word +by the Virgilian epithet "_bellipotens_." A distinguished Latinist +recalls in this context the sentiment of the writer, Pomponius +Caninus:-- + + _Rebus in adversis comitem sors prospera pinguem_ + _Det mihi._ + +And to the same authority I am indebted for the following version of +"Don't speak to the man at the wheel:"-- + + _O silete, circumstantes_ + _Nautas rotam operantes._ + +Though Latin is tottering at our schools it occasionally pops up in +unexpected places. For example, not very long ago I heard a popular +comedian introduce his family motto and translate it for the benefit +of a music-hall audience. Latin quotations, even from HORACE, have +gone out of fashion in the Houses of Parliament. Perhaps they will +revive on the stage. The unfair preference for Greek shown by doctors +in the nomenclature of disease is perhaps to be explained by the +value of unintelligibility. Did not DAN O'CONNELL, in his famous +vituperative contest with a Dublin washer-woman, triumph in the +long-run by calling her an unprincipled parallelopiped? + +Meanwhile I appeal to the Editor of _The Westminster Gazette_, who, +in his Saturday edition, has done so much to maintain the practice +of classical composition, to offer a prize in one of his periodical +competitions for the best Latin version, of "to buck up," "to stick +it out," "a bit thick," "talking through one's hat," "I don't think," +"blighter," "rotter," and "not 'arf." + + * * * * * + +ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE. + + "Mr. Zangwill (the Chief Rabbi) also spoke."--_Daily News_. + +Following the appointment (recently announced by Mr. Punch) of Mr. +H.G. WELLS as Chaplain to the Forces. + + * * * * * + +From a cattle-auction advertisement:-- + + "NOTE.--Pigs and Calves are requested to be forward by 11 + o'clock."--_Kirkendbrightshire Advertiser_. + +_Vive la politesse!_ + + * * * * * + + "The hereditary privilege of remaining covered in the presence + of the Monarch was granted by Henry VIII. to John Forester of + Watling Street, in 1570."--_Observer_. + +We wonder what GOOD QUEEN BESS thought about this posthumous +interference on the part of her papa. + + * * * * * + +From Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S latest novel:-- + + "It was, indeed, something of an achievement to get on terms of + confidence with those alien children ... many of whom had acquired + a precocious suspicion of Greeks bearing gifts. That sense of + _caveat donor_ was perhaps their most pathetic characteristic." + +Timeo Danaos et dona accipientes! Which may be roughly rendered: "I +suspect TINO, even when he's in receipt of a subsidy." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL. IT'S TIME WE WERE OFF. BUT--PARDON ME, MRS. +GOLDBERG--DO YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO WEAR SO MANY PEARLS AT AN ECONOMY +MEETING?" + +"ALL RIGHT. I WON'T IF YOU THINK NOT. BUT AS A MATTER OF FACT THEY +_ARE_ AN ECONOMY. YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND IS PUTTIN' HIS MONEY IN PEARLS +TO SAVE INCOME-TAX."] + + * * * * * + +LAVENDER. + + I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought; + I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort; + And once I 'eld gerani-ums was grander than the rest, + But now I likes the lavender, the simple-lookin' lavender, + A little bit o' lavender the best. + + My mate 'e'd been a gardener; 'is roses wasn't beat; + 'Is marrers was a marvel and 'is strorberries a treat; + But w'en 'e leave 'is corliflow'rs an' lettuce to enlist, + 'E said it was the lavender, 'is blinkin' bit o' lavender, + A silly patch o' lavender 'e missed. + + In France I used to foller 'im to gather up the bits; + 'E "'adn't 'eard" o' snipers and 'e "wasn't 'eedin'" Fritz; + Till in a slip o' garden by the Convent 'e was copped, + And dahn among the lavender, the trodden sodden lavender, + The bloody muddy lavender 'e dropped. + + A job it was to fix 'im up and do a double bunk, + But 'e was chattin' casual while I was oozin' funk; + 'E yarned abaht the bits o' things 'e used to see at Kew, + An' told me of the lavender, the tidy lot of lavender, + The leagues an' leagues o' lavender 'e grew. + + They book 'im through to Blighty and 'e drop a line from 'ome, + Comparin' clay in Flanders with the proper British loam; + "An' w'en you gets yer seven days, you come along an' see + The roses an' the lavender, the lavender, the lavender ... + You oughter see the lavender!" says 'e. + + My mate 'e 'ad a sister, w'ich I didn't even guess + Till I was at the wicker-gate an' see 'er cotton dress; + 'Er face was sweet as summer-time an' pretty as a tune; + 'Er eyes was like the lavender, the blue bewitchin' lavender, + As lovely as the lavender in June. + + She bid me welcome kindly, an' as quiet as you please, + An' fust we talk o' battlefields an' then we talk o' bees; + But, though the 'olly'ocks was aht an' all the roses red, + I only see the lavender, the patch o' purple lavender; + "I'm pleased you likes the lavender," she said. + + I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought; + I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort; + An' once I 'eld gerani-ums was gayer than the rest, + But now I likes the lavender, a little sprig o' lavender, + I likes a bit o' lavender the best. + + * * * * * + +AN INFANT PRODIGY. + + "Sir Frederick Smith, the Attorney-General, is 5, but does not + look it for he keeps a full thatch and a fresh complexion, and + has features so softly contoured that as a baby he must have + been the pride of the family."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + + * * * * * + +ASIA IN EUROPE. + + "Serbia has been crushed, and, with the exception of Salonika + and the regions temporarily held by the British in Palestine + and Mesopotamia, Germany holds command of Middle Europe. + + "That becomes quite obvious when one looks at the map." + + _Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD in "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BETRAYED. + +THE PANDER. "COME ON; COME AND BE KISSED BY HIM."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 3rd._--No further publicity is to be given to Lord +LANSDOWNE'S letter if the Government can help it. But the author is +not to be prosecuted and the rumour that Lansdowne House has been +raided by the police and its noble owner's type writer confiscated +lacks confirmation. + +[Illustration: A STORY LACKING CONFIRMATION.] + +A long and complicated answer by Mr. CLYNES, describing and defending +the new sugar-cards, was not altogether satisfying. Sir F. BANBURY'S +inquiry, "Does the hon. gentleman think that anybody will get any +sugar after this?" was prompted, no doubt, by anxiety for the future +of his famous cakes; but it expressed the general doubt. + +Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has hitherto stoutly denied that the Allies +have given ex-KING CONSTANTINE a retiring allowance, admitted that +the Greek Government might make him some payment, and that the Allies +furnished Greece with money. In other words, Greece has given TINO a +penny to play in the next street, and the Allies have lent her the +penny. + +Asked by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT whether the labour expended on fitting +gas-bags to motor cars could not be more usefully employed, the +MINISTER OF NATIONAL SERVICE replied as follows: "The questions +involved in the use of gas-bags, _including that raised by the hon. +Member_, are being considered." And Mr. LAMBERT is now wondering +whether Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES intended to be personal. + +_Tuesday, December 4th._--In answer to a question as to what steps the +Board of Agriculture was taking to replant districts denuded of trees, +Sir RICHARD WINFREY replied that "surplus nursery stock" would be +transplanted by "gangs of women." Evidently surprised by the laughter +which followed, he whispered to his neighbour, "Have I said anything +very funny?" + +At the end of a long catechism by Mr. KING regarding the literature +issued by the War Aims Committee, Mr. OUTHWAITE inquired if it could +be sent to Members of the House. Major GUEST was quite ready to +oblige. In his opinion some Members, including Mr. OUTHWAITE himself, +would be much the better for its perusal. + +Mr. PRATT is about the last Minister whom I should have suspected of +cynicism, but I have my doubts about him now. By his admission the +British Pharmacopoeia (war edition) contains "Glycerins devoid of +glycerin and syrups free from sugar." "But," he added, "it does not +materially lessen their value as medicines." + +Upon the House being asked to recommit the Representation of the +People's Bill in respect of the provisions dealing with conscientious +objectors and redistribution in Ireland, Mr. REDMOND, naturally +anxious lest the House should imagine that Ireland's objection to +military service was conscientious, requested the SPEAKER to divide +the debate into water-tight compartments. No artificial restraints, +however, could keep Mr. HEALY within bounds. He ranged at large over +Irish history, and declared that the decision to impose on Ireland a +(more or less) equitable system of representation was an outrage only +to be compared with the breach of the Treaty of Limerick. + +As a humourist on this occasion Mr. HEALY had to yield the palm to +a colleague. The CHIEF SECRETARY incidentally referred to the +arrangement that no contentious business should be taken during the +War. "Except by agreement," interjected Mr. NUGENT. + +[Illustration: SUGARLESS BANBURY CAKES.] + +_Wednesday, December 5th._--Not long ago Lord ROBERT CECIL referred to +a rumour that the German Government intended to encourage polygamy. +Mr. KING, shocked to discover that this charge rested upon a statement +in a neutral newspaper, protested against the practice of making +speeches "on such miserable foundations." As the bulk of the hon. +Member's own utterances have a similar basis the retort was almost too +obvious; and Mr. BALFOUR in making it must have felt as if he had shot +his bird sitting. + +The courage of the hero who took up the challenge: "Whoever shall +these boots displace, must meet Bombastes face to face," was +comparatively nothing to that of Mr. H.W. FORSTER, who in the +interests of economy has promised to limit the height of women's +boots. There will be much stamping of lofty heels at this ukase. Sir +JOHN REES thought another order lengthening skirts was the logical +corollary, and so it is if the Government really want "to make both +ends meet." But Mr. FORSTER showed no disposition to embark upon +petticoat government. + +Irish Nationalists worked themselves into seven different kinds +of fury over the decision of the Government to apply the rules of +arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in their beloved country. +Mr. DILLON threatened the House with the possibility that at the +next General Election he and his colleagues might be wiped out of +existence. Scared by this awful prospect so many Liberals voted +against the closure that the Government only escaped defeat by 29. + +_Thursday, December 6th._--The prospect of an all-night sitting +rendered the House unusually irritable. Mr. HEALY fulminated at Sir +E. CARSON (who was not present) in language that reminded Colonel +SHARMAN-CRAWFORD of "a low police-court." Mr. DILLON'S high top note +was ceaselessly employed in emitting adjectives more remarkable, +as Mr. BONAR LAW icily observed, for their strength than for their +novelty. At one time it looked as if there was to be a first-class +Irish row. But wiser counsels ultimately prevailed. The House as a +whole was in no mood for protracted discussion in which non-Irish +moonlighters might participate. + +At last there is hope that the instructions of the FOOD-CONTROLLER +will have some practical result. To-day in reply to a question Mr. +CLYNES said, "The order about to be issued will contain provisions +..." Ah! if it only will. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVIDENCE. + +_Officer_. "NOW, SERGEANT-MAJOR, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS MAN WAS +DRUNK?" + +_Sergeant-Major_. "SIR, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH, WHEN I MET THE +ACCUSED, 'E RAISED 'IS 'AT, ACCOMPANYING THE MOTION WITH THE WORDS, +'GOOD EVENIN', BLUE BEARD!'"] + + * * * * * + +THE LOST LEADER. + +The Hillsbury Company of the 2nd Battalion of the Lastshire Volunteers +were being inspected for efficiency by a Captain of the Grenadier +Guards, who had graciously come down and devoted his Sunday afternoon +to this purpose. Forty "A" men had obeyed their country's call and +turned up on parade, and among the officers was Alfred Herbert, +who was a second-lieutenant of the mature age of fifty. He was +enthusiastic, but a slow learner, always confusing himself and his +men. Still, he was obviously doing his best, and the men forgave him +and did _their_ best to cover up his faults. + +"Mr. Herbert," said the inspecting officer sharply, "be good enough to +take the company out and move them about for a few minutes." + +Herbert's heart began to beat at the double. He had known that this +ordeal might come, but he had hoped against hope that, if he made +himself small and meek, he would be overlooked. All was in vain; his +time had come. "Drill them as a company of two platoons," said the +stern Guardsman. + +"Yes, Sir," said Herbert. "Shall I--" + +"Take them out at once, Sir. We have no time to waste." + +It was at this moment that Herbert's first dream, or I should rather +say the first phase of his treble dream, began. He dreamt that he +called the company to attention, caused them to slope arms, and moved +them to the right in fours. + +So far so good. + +Now they were in columns of fours and marching gaily. + +"This is a good dream," thought Herbert. "I will get them into line. +On the right, form company!" he shouted at the top of his voice. + +He had done it. He had got the rear rank in front, and this is +a terrible state of affairs, leading to the most frightful +complications--at any rate in the Lastshire Volunteers. + +"Move to the right in fours!" he commanded; and then the trouble +began. + +In less than half a minute, forty deserving men, including N.C.O.'s, +were tied up into a series of terrifically complicated knots, in the +midst of which the Company Sergeant-Major bobbed about, an angry cork +on a stormy ocean of desperate men. + +"Very good, Mr. Herbert, oh, very good indeed," said the Inspecting +Officer. + +At this point Herbert passed into his second phase and dreamed that +it was all a dream. + +But the question remained: what was he to do? + +"Double!" he shouted, and himself gave the example. And as he ran he +passed into his third phase and dreamed it was all true; and he woke +up with a start at the orderly room, and found that it _was_ true. + +That very evening he resigned his commission, "owing," as he wrote, +"to an incurable habit of getting the rear rank in front." + +What happened to the men I cannot say with certainty. I think they are +still struggling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Physical Exercise Instructor_. "'ERE, YOU! WHAT THE +DEUCE ARE YOU LARFING AT?" + +_Recruit_. "OH, SERGEANT, I--I WAS THINKING WHAT PRICELESS BALLY ASSES +WE MUST LOOK!"] + + * * * * * + +MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY. + +ON THE DANGER OF POPULARITY. + +_The Ballybun Binnacle_ has ceased publication--I hope temporarily, +for I have had to fall back on _The Times_. The latter is the better +paper for wrapping things in, and they seem to use a good kind of ink +which does not come off on the butter, but it's a bit weak on its +advertising side. It was O'Mullins across the road who pointed this +out to me first. He had, he says, an advertisement a whole week in +_The Times_ for a total abstainer to make himself otherwise useful and +to mend his stable door; but no apparent notice was taken of it. The +same advertisement had not been a couple of hours in _The Binnacle_ +before three tinkers tried to steal his horse. + +I have heard people speak well of the editorials in our chief London +rival, but they are not thought much of in Ballybun; they haven't the +flavour. Our paper used to be strongly political, but the increase in +the number of subscribers did not pay for the libel actions, and so of +late we have been cultivating an open mind and advertisements. It is +true that even so it was impossible for Casey, our editor, to steer +wholly clear of vexed political questions, but his latest manner was +admirably statesmanlike. He would summarise the opposing views of our +eight or nine parties and then state boldly that he agreed with most +of them, and as for the rest he would not shrink to declare, in the +face of the world if necessary, that they were full of an intellectual +Zeitgeist, unfortunately only too sporadic. He would then sum up by +drawing attention to the bargain sale of white goods at the Ballybun +Emporium. Everybody liked this, and the Ballybun Bon Marche would send +in its advertisement for our next week's issue. + +_The Binnacle_ has ceased publication, of course, before. When the +editor took his summer holiday or went to a friend's wedding in the +country he would often leave the bringing of it out to his staff. The +latter used normally to edit the sporting and fashionable columns and +was called Flannagan, but had only one eye and was somewhat eccentric. +Flannagan couldn't be bothered sometimes and sometimes he would go +fishing. Still, although the paper would not come out just when we +expected, Flannagan might relent and bring it out two or three days +later, and at all events he always told us the news whenever he met us +in the street. + +Thus we could not strictly say that we had no local newspaper. But +now, I fear, the case is altered, and _The Binnacle_ has been killed +solely by its own popularity. + +It doesn't do for an editor to be too popular. People used to drop in +on Casey at all hours of the day and lend a hand and smoke his tobacco +and try to borrow money. His sanctum became the fashionable lounge +of the Ballybun _elite_. A great gap was caused in the front of the +paper amongst the best paying advertisements by Kelly's trying to +clean his pipe with part of the linotype machine. Casey noticed +this, and further attributed the matter to the Censor, whom he +attacked vigorously in a leading article for trying to throttle the +safety-valve of trade by inoculating the thin end of the wedge; he +will do this again, he added, at his own peril. He also told Kelly the +same. + +As our respected Member of Parliament is hanging tenaciously on to +life, and we could not very well invite him to create a vacancy, we +were at a loss how to mark our esteem for our popular editor in a +practical manner. Casey himself suggested a testimonial. His friends, +however, said that nothing sordid should ever enter into the feelings +with which they regarded him, and decided finally on electing him to +the second highest office a layman in our part can hope to hold. He +was elected Judge--"unanimously," as he put it, "by 29 to 3"--and the +race meeting came off last week. We hate to hold it in war-time, but +the breed of horses and bookies must be kept up. Even the bed-ridden +took a day off and trooped to it. + +Picture the feelings of the crowd when Casey merged the judge into +the editor and kept declaring race after race a dead heat. They rose +at him as one man and clamoured for souvenirs. What was left of Casey +shook the dust of Ballybun off his feet, while our impulsive patriots +were smashing his office furniture. + +This only proves what I have often maintained, that popularity always +makes a man unpopular in the long run. Meanwhile _The Ballybun +Binnacle_ has ceased to appear, but I see from _The Times_ there has +been a movement in Berlin in favour of letting bygones be bygones. + + * * * * * + +BOOKS AND BOOKS. + + ["The last books of the Winter season are creeping out, and + some are important and some are not."--_Daily Chronicle_.] + + The last books of Winter, + Some slim and some stout, + From the hands of the printer + Are now "creeping out"; + And it's helpful to learn from + A man on the spot + That some are important + And others are not. + + And yet the conviction + Expressed in this guise + In the matter of fiction + I'd like to revise; + For of the romances + Unceasingly shot + From the press, most are piffle + And very few not. + + From minstrelsy's _melee_, + Its foam and its surge, + A Keats or a Shelley + May haply emerge; + Or there may be a Tupper + To leaven the lot-- + Some bards are immortal + And others are not. + + We're certain to meet with-- + The stock never fails-- + Some Memoirs replete with + Fatiguing details; + But the chance isn't great of + A Lockhart and Scott, + Or a Boswell and Johnson-- + No, certainly not. + + Some prophet whose coming + Is yet undivined + May set the world humming + And stagger mankind; + It may be a Darwin + Some publisher's got + Up his sleeve, or it may be + Some one who is not. + + There may be some clinkers + Now "creeping" to light, + Tremendous deep thinkers + Or high in their flight; + There may be diffusers + Of air that is hot; + There may be a Bergson, + Again there may not. + + Though the publishing season + Is now on the wane, + This isn't a reason + Why we should complain; + For the view of the expert-- + His "i's" when we dot-- + Is that some books are useful, + But most of them rot. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_playfully_). "WHAT--HAVEN'T YOU FINISHED +YET?" + +_Sandy_ (_regarding cake, from which he has been told to help +himself_). "AH, BUT YE KEN, A CAKE O' THIS SIZE ISNA SAE SOON EATEN AS +YE MAY THENK."] + + * * * * * + +From the report of a speech by the Chief Justice of New Zealand:-- + + "His Excellency the Governor may make any conditions he pleases. + In fact it is a case of 'Hoc volo sic jubes; sit pro ratione + valunters.' I do not think the word can be read in that wide + sense."--_New Zealand Times_. + +Nor do we. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "INDIAN DEFENCE FORCE ORDERS. CALCUTTA SOTTISH."--_The Empire_ + (_Calcutta_). + + * * * * * + + "Defendant was fined 20s. for the abusive language which, said + the Chairman, was the worst the Magistrates had ever + seen."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Or even tasted. + + * * * * * + + "Antiques are the 'best sellers' at all bazaars, and one meets + hunters of them all over the country. I hear of Mrs. ---- engaged + on the chase at Bath for her charity scheme. The Duchess of ---- + was there, too, taking the waters."--_Daily Mirror_. + +Some of our collectors will stop at nothing. + + * * * * * + +ART TO THE RESCUE. + +No means to get people to invest in War Bonds can be seriously +objected to; but I must confess that when, on a railway station +hoarding, I caught sight of a poster representing WHISTLER'S famous +portrait of his mother, with the words, "Old Age is Coming," printed +across it, beneath an appeal to the public to be prudent about the +future by buying Government stock now, I experienced a jolt. Because +this picture has always been one of the sacred things, and to see it +again was a necessary part of any visit to Paris. As to the shock +which the sight would have caused the painter, were he alive to-day, +the pen prefers to say little. Even with three patriotic motives to +control him--for he was American by birth, French by sympathy, and +English by residence--WHISTLER must have delivered his mind. That he +would consider this anything but a gentle art of breaking enemies, is +certain; nor can I see him holding his peace about it. + +[Illustration: "These good dogs would prefer WAR BONDS to a bone."] + +Personally, however, I got over my own sense of the outrage very +quickly. For the new War Bonds must succeed, and the end justifies the +means, however desperate--that is how I looked at it, and therefore, +instead of maintaining an attitude of preciosity, I began to wonder +how I could assist the authorities (who had dared to bend the +Butterfly to their purpose) to further useful acts of vandalism. +Nothing should, I determined, stand in my way. Where they were merely +"hairy," I would be absolutely bald-headed. Hence, if there is +anything in the suggestions that follow which may set the teeth of +the reverent on edge, it must be attributed to honest zeal. All that +I want is for the Kennedy-Jones of the movement to lift Art from her +pedestal for a few days only--in the interests of the Allies and to +the lasting detriment of Germany--and then replace her. But there is +no need to trouble about the replacing. That will be automatic. + +Beginning with the postulate that War's sinews must be forthcoming, or +HAIG and BYNG will batter at the Hun to insufficient purpose, we can +do anything. Let then, I say, all the artists be conscripted, whether +old masters or young. The facade of the National Gallery is to-day one +vast hoarding advertising the progress of the Loan; let us go inside +and levy upon its treasures too. A few pictorial suggestions will be +found on this page; others will occur to its habitues, and doubtless +the Trustees (although Lord LANSDOWNE is one) will be only too glad +to fall in with the project. + +[Illustration: "She's happy. She's bought WAR BONDS."] + +BURNE-JONES'S "Cophetua and the Beggar Maid" hangs, for instance, in +the National Gallery--temporarily borrowed from the Tate--at this +moment. It would make a good piece of propaganda. "Why is the maid a +beggar?" "Because her parents had not provided against the future by +provident and patriotic speculation." Close by hangs, also on loan +from the Tate, CECIL LAWSON'S "Harvest Moon." "Why on this most +favourable of nights is there no raid?" "Because the success of the +War Bonds brought about Germany's surrender." After the authorities' +most admirable and desirable way with WHISTLER'S mother, you can do +anything and should do anything. That is my point. + +[Illustration: "Cut your cloth to leave a BIG margin for WAR BONDS."] + +And not only the National Gallery, but the galleries of France and +Italy, and even Germany herself. Perhaps Germany first of all, for +there would be a piquancy in thus employing the cherished possessions +of the foe. Could not something be done, for example, with the famous +wax bust, the glory of the Kaiser Friedrich Collection, into which +LEONARDO DA VINCI, as a finishing touch, crammed an early Victorian +waistcoat before delivering the masterpiece to its owner? A really +ingenious organiser should be able to make telling use of that, +perhaps with a play on the word "investment." But meanwhile LEONARDO +would, I am sure, be only too willing to suppress his sensitive +feelings and assist his fellow-countrymen in their stand on the Piave +by contributing "Monna Lisa." Some such words as these would serve: +"Why is she smiling that satisfied smile?" "Because she has bought a +nice little packet of War Bonds and thus insured a comfortable old +age." At the same time TITIAN could help to save his Venice by lending +the "Venus" from the Uffizi. "Why is this lady so naked?" "Because she +neglected to invest in War Bonds, and thus had nothing with which +to buy clothes later on." Or, if a French or English picture were +preferred, INGRES' "La Source," from the Louvre, or LEIGHTON'S "Bath +of Psyche" from the National Gallery, could be used with the same +touching legend. But I feel that TITIAN should have the first chance. +And there are living painters too who would come in. Our own old +master--AUGUSTUS JOHN (who is now, I am told, a major)--would, no +doubt, be delighted to lend the hoardings one of the pictures from +his exhibition now in progress. The portrait of Mr. G.B. SHAW, for +example, in which the eyes of the great seer are closed. "Why is +this old gentleman not looking at you?" "Because he is afraid you +may not have bought any War Bonds and he can't bear to see anything +unpatriotic." + +But enough has been said. The National War Bonds must be sold, and Art +must help, and no one must wince. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_in course of an arithmetic lesson_). "WHAT +IS HALF FOUR?" + +_Daughter_. "TWO." + +_Mother_. "AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HALF FIVE?" + +_Daughter_. "WELL, MUMMIE, IT DEPENDS WHICH HALF YOU MEAN--THE TWO OR +THE THREE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Many years ago, when I was younger and more optimistic than to-day, I +thought out what struck me as an adventure-story of wonderful promise, +and confided the plot to a friend, reputed expert in such matters. He +heard me with indulgent attention and, when I had finished, "Capital," +says he; "but do you propose to differentiate it in _any_ way from +_Dead Man's Rock?_" I am reminded of this ancient wound by the +appearance of a new buccaneering book by Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH; +and that not only on account of the name of the author, but because +when a tale of this kind begins in Bristol Docks, with a company +that includes an apprentice-hero, a one-eyed sailor and a parrot of +piratical past, it is impossible not to recall _Treasure Island_. +However this may be, _Mortallone_ soon attains a development quite +sufficiently original, with an island and a secret and a noble store +of buried treasure, all in doubloons and pieces of eight, which is +exactly how I prefer it. In short a capital yarn, which did but +confirm me in an old resolve that, were I ever thinking of commencing +pirate or starting any unlawful business of the seas, I should avoid +apprentices like the plague. The second part of _Mortallone and Aunt +Trinidad_ (ARROWSMITH) I found rather less satisfactory. Here a number +of tales of the Spanish Main are supposed to be told by a trio of +withered beldames whose youthful prime was spent as pirate queens. A +striking and novel approach; though my belief in it was hindered by +the discovery that these untutored crones not only spoke but wrote an +admirable, if slightly mannered, prose, akin to that of STEVENSON or, +say, Sir ARTHUR himself. But these be the carpings of age; I am sure +that no boy lucky enough to find _Mortallone_ among his Christmas +presents will leave a paragraph undevoured. + + * * * * * + +Dr. H. STUERMER is one of that small band of Germans who have had the +courage to denounce the policy and acts of their Government. When +the War began he joined the German army, fought in the Masurian +operations, was invalided out of the army at the beginning of 1915, +and thereupon became correspondent in Constantinople of the _Koelnische +Zeitung_, in which capacity he acted until the end of 1916, when his +too great truthfulness proved distasteful to his employers and he had +to give up his place. Now he resides in Switzerland and "makes use," +he says, "of the opportunity ... to range himself boldly on the side +of truth, and show that there are still Germans who find it impossible +to condone, even tacitly, the moral transgression and political +stupidity of their own and an allied Government." This is a big +undertaking, but Dr. STUERMER attacks it manfully in his book, _Two +War Years in Constantinople_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). He gives a +harrowing description of the sufferings of the Armenians, and leaves +no doubt that he considers Germany responsible for the massacre of +a nation. I advise those who desire first-hand knowledge of the +political schemes and ambitions of the Germans and their Young Turkish +friends to consult this book. It is a mine of information. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL always packs his novels with sober stuff and +redeems them from any trace of dulness by the skill with which he +handles his theme, and by his conscientious study not only of his +characters but of the details of his background. That background in +_The Dwelling-Place of Light_ (MACMILLAN) is an American cottonmill +district with a mixed alien population of operatives, and trouble +brewing as the result of a headstrong wage-cutting manager, _Claude +Ditmar_, in conflict with the I.W.W. The phases of this grim struggle +are most forcibly described, the author holding no brief for either +protagonist. And, if widower _Ditmar_, man of iron, for whom the +Chippering Mill is his second and abiding mate, be no hero, _Janet_, +his typist, has the makings of a notable heroine. How this girl, +full of character and of passion bravely restrained, breaks down the +business preoccupation of her chief and how her courage and steadfast +honour convince him that the liaison he promised himself will not +suffice for honour or purified desire--all this is finely told. It +was, however, but a faltering and slowly-growing conviction, and death +claims him before he can make amends for the wrong into which his +masterful pleading has betrayed her. I never quite precisely gathered +what was "the dwelling-place of light." Anyway it wasn't the +Chippering Mill ... But I was sorry when I reached the four hundred +and ninth and last of the closely-set pages. Good measure for a book +in war-time. + + * * * * * + +Throughout a vagabond career that began in happiness on a farm and +finished, thankfully, amongst the fields, _Frank Rainger_ followed +always the pathway of the broader experience. Followed it so stoutly +and was such good company on the long road that whether it was high +holiday at Cranbrook Circus with _Maggie Coalbran_, or a fight for +the hopeless cause of the Southern States in shell-torn Vicksburg, or +only the keeping of eternal lazy summer with the peons of Yucatan, I +was altogether content to go humbly forward with him, convinced that, +as it was written, so and no otherwise should it be. Even when he +deservedly failed to become a shining light in the literary firmament +to which he aspired--an unheard-of piece of audacity on the part +of his authoress--I did not rebel. Miss SHEILA KAYE SMITH has an +essential clarity of visualisation, a deep and still reserve of +unforced pathos and an exquisite sense of the haunting word, that +combine with a most competent alertness of movement to make her latest +artistic success, _The Challenge to Sirius_ (NISBET), a book for which +I can hardly find adequate words of praise. Most admirable of all, +perhaps, is a strange faculty she has shown for making one satisfied +that her people should remain perennially rather poor and unambitious +and dull, and should even grow old without occasioning us regret. +With the deep under-drift of the writer's philosophy one may not be +completely in accord, but certainly it will worry nobody, while the +unity and beauty of her methods hold one in willing bondage from +beginning to end. This is real literature, and everyone should +read it. + + * * * * * + +Without any very exceptional gifts as a story-teller Fleet-Surgeon +T.T. JEANS, R.N., scores heavily off most writers of boys' adventure +tales by having actually lived the life he describes. Here, for +instance, in _A Naval Venture_ (BLACKIE) we do get the real thing, +and boys would be well-advised to sample it and see if it is not +preferable to the kind of adventurous fiction produced so prolifically +for their amusement. Not that this yarn is lacking in adventure; +indeed it is concerned with the Gallipoli campaign, from the landings +until the evacuation, and anything more adventurous it would be hard +to imagine. In reading this story of _The Orphan, The Lamp-post, +Bubbles, The Hun, Rawlins and The Pink Rat_, one feels that the author +actually knows these "snotties," with their high courage, animal +spirits and elementary humour. It is in fact history spiced with +fiction. Of all the characters my vote goes to _Kaiser Bill_, for +although, being a tortoise, he performed no deeds of actual gallantry, +he carried good luck with him wherever he went. Besides, his name +might annoy the ALL-HIGHEST. Mr. JEANS made an extremely good shot +when he drew his bow at _A Naval Venture_. + + * * * * * + +You would hardly believe what a remarkably unprincipled set of persons +make up the cast of Mr. WILLIAM CAINE'S newest story. He calls them +_Drones_ (METHUEN), but that, I feel, is a charitable understatement. +There was _Eric Wanstanley_, rising young sculptor, who, because he +didn't rise quickly enough, was capable of borrowing the savings of +his friend's parlourmaid to work a system at roulette. The friend, +_Austin Jenner_, was also an artist and also rising. His little +failing was concealment of the fact that he was almost wholly +supported by remittances furnished by his hard-working brother. +Incidentally he was engaged to _Eric's_ sister, but abandoned her +without a qualm for the beringed hand of one _Mrs. Meldrum_, a rich +widow, known as The B.Q. (Biscuit Queen). Need I say that _Mrs. +Meldrum_, moving in these circles, and with ambitions as an art +patroness, lived in Cheyne Walk? Indeed the setting of the whole +comedy is inevitably Chelsea. Having regard to the number of bad hats +among the _dramatis personae_, you will probably not be astonished to +be told that their goings-on are excellently entertaining; though +I cannot but think that to give both his leading lady and his +_soubrette_, or Singing Chambermaid, the handicap of morally deficient +young brothers, does look like laziness on the part of Mr. CAINE. +Surely there exist other avenues to calamity. But it's an amusing +rogues' comedy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNPUBLISHED INCIDENTS IN ANCIENT HISTORY. PANOPEUS +EXPLAINS HIS MODEL AT THE WAR OFFICE, ATHENS, DURING THE TROJAN WAR.] + + * * * * * + +FOR THE SAVING OF CHILD-LIFE. + +Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON will lecture on "How Dickens' tales came true," on +Friday, December 14th, at 3 o'clock, at 20, Arlington Street (kindly +lent by the Marchioness of Salisbury), in aid of the Kentish Town Day +Nursery. Tickets, L1 1s. 0d., 10s. 6d., 7s. 6d., may be obtained from +Countess GREY, of Chester Street, N.W.1. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, DEC. 12, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11444.txt or 11444.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11444 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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