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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11376 ***
+
+                             AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL
+
+                                 SKETCHES.
+
+                                    BY
+
+                               ANNIE BESANT
+
+                                   1885.
+
+
+                         AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES.
+
+
+I am so often asked for references to some pamphlet or journal in which
+may be found some outline of my life, and the enquiries are so often
+couched in terms of such real kindness, that I have resolved to pen a few
+brief autobiographical sketches, which may avail to satisfy friendly
+questioners, and to serve, in some measure, as defence against unfair
+attack.
+
+
+
+I.
+
+
+On October 1st, 1847, I made my appearance in this "vale of tears",
+"little Pheasantina", as I was irreverently called by a giddy aunt, a pet
+sister of my mother's. Just at that time my father and mother were
+staying within the boundaries of the City of London, so that I was born
+well "within the sound of Bow bells".
+
+Though born in London, however, full three quarters of my blood are
+Irish. My dear mother was a Morris--the spelling of the name having been
+changed from Maurice some five generations back--and I have often heard
+her tell a quaint story, illustrative of that family pride which is so
+common a feature of a decayed Irish family. She was one of a large
+family, and her father and mother, gay, handsome, and extravagant, had
+wasted merrily what remained to them of patrimony. I can remember her
+father well, for I was fourteen years of age when he died. A bent old
+man, with hair like driven snow, splendidly handsome in his old age,
+hot-tempered to passion at the lightest provocation, loving and wrath in
+quick succession. As the family grew larger and the moans grew smaller,
+many a pinch came on the household, and the parents were glad to accept
+the offer of a relative to take charge of Emily, the second daughter. A
+very proud old lady was this maiden aunt, and over the mantel-piece of
+her drawing-room ever hung a great diagram, a family tree, which mightily
+impressed the warm imagination of the delicate child she had taken in
+charge. It was a lengthy and well-grown family tree, tracing back the
+Morris family to the days of Charlemagne, and branching out from a stock
+of "the seven kings of France". Was there ever yet a decayed. Irish
+family that did not trace itself back to some "kings"? and these
+"Milesian kings"--who had been expelled from France, doubtless for good
+reasons, and who had sailed across the sea and landed in fair Erin, and
+there had settled and robbed and fought--did more good 800 years after
+their death than they did, I expect, during their ill-spent lives, if
+they proved a source of gentle harmless pride to the old maiden lady who
+admired their names over her mantel-piece in the earlier half of the
+present century. And, indeed, they acted as a kind of moral thermometer,
+in a fashion that would much have astonished their ill-doing and
+barbarous selves. For my mother has told me how when she would commit
+some piece of childish naughtiness, her aunt would say, looking gravely
+over her spectacles at the small culprit: "Emily, your conduct is
+unworthy of the descendant of the seven kings of France." And Emily, with
+her sweet grey Irish eyes, and her curling masses of raven-black hair,
+would cry in penitent shame over her unworthiness, with some vague idea
+that those royal, and to her very real ancestors, would despise her small
+sweet rosebud self, as wholly unworthy of their disreputable majesties.
+But that same maiden aunt trained the child right well, and I keep ever
+grateful memory of her, though I never knew her, for her share in forming
+the tenderest, sweetest, proudest, purest, noblest woman I have ever
+known. I have never met a woman more selflessly devoted to those she
+loved, more passionately contemptuous of all that was mean or base, more
+keenly sensitive on every question of honor, more iron in will, more
+sweet in tenderness, than the mother who made my girlhood sunny as
+dreamland, who guarded me until my marriage from every touch of pain that
+she could ward off, or could bear for me, who suffered more in every
+trouble that touched me in later life than I did myself, and who died in
+the little house I had taken for our new home in Norwood, worn out ere
+old age touched her, by sorrow, poverty and pain, in May, 1874.
+
+Of my father my memory is less vivid, for he died when I was but five
+years old. He was of mixed race, English on his father's side, Irish on
+his mother's, and was born in Galway, and educated in Ireland; he took
+his degree at Dublin University, and walked the hospitals as a medical
+student. But after he had qualified as a medical man a good appointment
+was offered him by a relative in the City of London, and he never
+practised regularly as a doctor.
+
+In the City his prospects were naturally promising; the elder branch of
+the Wood Family, to which he belonged, had for many generations been
+settled in Devonshire, farming their own land. When the eldest son
+William, my father, came of age, he joined with his father to cut off the
+entail, and the old acres were sold. Meanwhile members of other branches
+had entered commercial life, and had therein prospered exceedingly. One
+of them had become Lord Mayor of London, had vigorously supported the
+unhappy Queen Caroline, had paid the debts of the Duke of Kent, in order
+that that reputable individual might return to England with his Duchess,
+so that the future heir to the throne might be born on English soil; he
+had been rewarded with a baronetcy as a cheap method of paying his
+services. Another, my father's first cousin once removed, a young
+barrister, had successfully pleaded a suit in which was concerned the
+huge fortune of a miserly relative, and had thus laid the foundations of
+a great success; he won for himself a vice-chancellorship and a
+knighthood, and then the Lord Chancellorship of England, with the barony
+of Hatherley. A third, a brother of the last, Western Wood, was doing
+good service in the House of Commons. A fourth, a cousin of the last two,
+had thrown himself with such spirit and energy into mining work, that he
+had accumulated a fortune. In fact all the scattered branches had made
+their several ways in the world, save that elder one to which my father
+belonged. That had vegetated on down in the country, and had grown poorer
+while the others grew richer. My father's brothers had somewhat of a
+fight for life. One has prospered and is comfortable and well-to-do. The
+other led for years a rough and wandering life, and "came to grief"
+generally. Some years ago I heard of him as a store-keeper in Portsmouth
+dock-yard, occasionally boasting in feeble fashion that his cousin was
+Lord Chancellor of England, and not many months since I heard from him in
+South Africa, where he has secured some appointment in the Commissariat
+Department, not, I fear, of a very lucrative character.
+
+Let us come back to Pheasantina, who, I am told, was a delicate and
+somewhat fractious infant, giving to both father and mother considerable
+cause for anxiety. Her first attempts at rising in the world were
+attended with disaster, for as she was lying in a cradle, with carved
+iron canopy, and was for a moment left by her nurse in full faith that
+she could not rise from the recumbent position, Miss Pheasantina
+determined to show that she was capable of unexpected independence, and
+made a vigorous struggle to assume that upright position which is the
+proud prerogative of man. In another moment the recumbent position was
+re-assumed, and the nurse returning found the baby's face covered with
+blood, streaming from a severe wound on the forehead, the iron fretwork
+having proved harder than the baby's head. The scar remains down to the
+present time, and gives me the valuable peculiarity of only wrinkling up
+one side of my forehead when I raise my eyebrows, a feat that I defy any
+of my readers to emulate. The heavy cut has, I suppose, so injured the
+muscles in that spot that they have lost the normal power of contraction.
+
+My earliest personal recollections are of a house and garden that we
+lived in when I was three and four years of age, situated in Grove Road,
+St. John's Wood. I can remember my mother hovering round the dinner-table
+to see that all was bright for the home-coming husband; my brother--two
+years older than myself--and I watching "for papa"; the loving welcome,
+the game of romps that always preceded the dinner of the elder folks. I
+can remember on the first of October, 1851, jumping up in my little cot,
+and shouting out triumphantly: "Papa! mamma! I am four years old!" and
+the grave demand of my brother, conscious of superior age, at
+dinner-time: "May not Annie have a knife to-day, as she is four years
+old?"
+
+It was a sore grievance during that same year 1851, that I was not judged
+old enough to go to the Great Exhibition, and I have a faint memory of my
+brother consolingly bringing me home one of those folding pictured strips
+that are sold in the streets, on which were imaged glories that I longed
+only the more to see. Far-away, dusky, trivial memories, these. What a
+pity it is that a baby cannot notice, cannot observe, cannot remember,
+and so throw light on the fashion of the dawning of the external world on
+the human consciousness. If only we could remember how things looked when
+they were first imaged on the retinae; what we felt when first we became
+conscious of the outer world; what the feeling was as faces of father and
+mother grew out of the surrounding chaos and became familiar things,
+greeted with a smile, lost with a cry; if only memory would not become a
+mist when in later years we strive to throw our glances backward into the
+darkness of our infancy, what lessons we might learn to help our
+stumbling psychology, how many questions might be solved whose answers we
+are groping for in vain.
+
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The next scene that stands out clearly against the background of the past
+is that of my father's death-bed. The events which led to his death I
+know from my dear mother. He had never lost his fondness for the
+profession for which he had been trained, and having many medical
+friends, he would now and then accompany them on their hospital rounds,
+or share with them the labors of the dissecting room. It chanced that
+during the dissection of the body of a person who had died of rapid
+consumption, my father cut his finger against the edge of the
+breast-bone. The cut did not heal easily, and the finger became swollen
+and inflamed. "I would have that finger off, Wood, if I were you," said
+one of the surgeons, a day or two afterwards, on seeing the state of the
+wound. But the others laughed at the suggestion, and my father, at first
+inclined to submit to the amputation, was persuaded to "leave Nature
+alone".
+
+About the middle of August, 1852, he got wet through, riding on the top
+of an omnibus, and the wetting resulted in a severe cold, which "settled
+on his chest". One of the most eminent doctors of the day, as able as he
+was rough in manner, was called to see him. He examined him carefully,
+sounded his lungs, and left the room followed by my mother. "Well?" she
+asked, scarcely anxious as to the answer, save as it might worry her
+husband to be kept idly at home. "You must keep up his spirits", was the
+thoughtless answer. "He is in a galloping consumption; you will not have
+him with you six weeks longer." The wife staggered back, and fell like a
+stone on the floor. But love triumphed over agony, and half an hour later
+she was again at her husband's side, never to leave it again for ten
+minutes at a time, night or day, till he was lying with closed eyes
+asleep in death.
+
+I was lifted on to the bed to "say good-bye to dear Papa" on the day
+before his death, and I remember being frightened at his eyes which
+looked so large, and his voice which sounded so strange, as he made me
+promise always to be "a very good girl to darling Mamma, as Papa was
+going right away". I remember insisting that "Papa should kiss Cherry", a
+doll given me on my birthday, three days before, by his direction, and
+being removed, crying and struggling, from the room. He died on the
+following day, October 5th, and I do not think that my elder brother and
+I--who were staying at our maternal grandfather's--went to the house
+again until the day of the funeral. With the death, my mother broke down,
+and when all was over they carried her senseless from the room. I
+remember hearing afterwards how, when she recovered her senses, she
+passionately insisted on being left alone, and locked herself into her
+room for the night; and how on the following morning her mother, at last
+persuading her to open the door, started back at the face she saw with
+the cry: "Good God! Emily! your hair is white!" It was even so; her hair,
+black, glossy and abundant, which, contrasting with her large grey eyes,
+had made her face so strangely attractive, had turned grey in that night
+of agony, and to me my mother's face is ever framed in exquisite silver
+bands of hair as white as the driven unsullied snow.
+
+I have heard that the love between my father and mother was a very
+beautiful thing, and it most certainly stamped her character for life. He
+was keenly intellectual, and splendidly educated; a mathematician and a
+good classical scholar, thoroughly master of French, German, Italian,
+Spanish, and Portuguese, with a smattering of Hebrew and Gaelic, the
+treasures of ancient and of modern literature were his daily household
+delight. Nothing pleased him so well as to sit with his wife, reading
+aloud to her while she worked; now translating from some foreign poet,
+now rolling forth melodiously the exquisite cadences of Queen Mab.
+Student of philosophy as he was, he was deeply and steadily sceptical;
+and a very religious relative has told me that he often drove her from
+the room by his light playful mockery of the tenets of the Christian
+faith. His mother and sister were strict Roman Catholics, and near the
+end forced a priest into his room, but the priest was promptly ejected by
+the wrath of the dying man, and by the almost fierce resolve of the wife
+that no messenger of the creed he detested should trouble her darling at
+the last.
+
+This scepticism of his was not wholly shared by his wife, who held to the
+notion that women should be "religious," while men might philosophise as
+they would; but it so deeply influenced her own intellectual life that
+she utterly rejected the most irrational dogmas of Christianity, such as
+eternal punishment, the vicarious atonement of Christ, the doctrine that
+faith is necessary to salvation, the equality of Christ with God, the
+infallibility of the Bible; she made morality of life, not orthodoxy of
+belief, her measure of "religion"; she was "a Christian", in her own view
+of the matter, but it was a Christian of the school of Jowett, of
+Colenso, and of Stanley. The latter writer had for her, in after years,
+the very strongest fascination, and I am not sure that his "variegated
+use of words", so fiercely condemned by Dr. Pusey, did not exactly suit
+her own turn of mind, which shrank back intellectually from the crude
+dogmas of orthodox Christianity, but clung poetically to the artistic
+side of religion, to its art and to its music, to the grandeur of its
+glorious fanes, and the solemnity of its stately ritual. She detested the
+meretricious show, the tinsel gaudiness, the bowing and genuflecting, the
+candles and the draperies, of Romanism, and of its pinchbeck imitator
+Ritualism; but I doubt whether she knew any keener pleasure than to sit
+in one of the carved stalls of Westminster Abbey, listening to the
+polished sweetness of Dean Stanley's exquisite eloquence; or to the
+thunder of the organ mingled with the voices of the white-robed
+choristers, as the music rose and fell, as it pealed up to the arched
+roof and lost itself in the carven fretwork, or died away softly among
+the echoes of the chapels in which kings and saints and sages lay
+sleeping, enshrining in themselves the glories and the sorrows of the
+past.
+
+To return to October, 1852. On the day of the funeral my elder brother
+and I were taken back to the house where my father lay dead, and while my
+brother went as chief mourner, poor little boy swamped in crape and
+miserable exceedingly, I sat in an upstairs room with my mother and her
+sisters; and still comes back to me her figure, seated on a sofa, with
+fixed white face and dull vacant eyes, counting the minutes till the
+funeral procession would have reached Kensal Green, and then following in
+mechanical fashion, prayer-book in hand, the service, stage by stage,
+until to my unspeakable terror, with the words, dully spoken, "It is all
+over", she fell back fainting. And here comes a curious psychological
+problem which has often puzzled me. Some weeks later she resolved to go
+and see her husband's grave. A relative who had been present at the
+funeral volunteered to guide her to the spot, but lost his way in that
+wilderness of graves. Another of the small party went off to find one of
+the officials and to enquire, and my mother said: "If you will take me to
+the chapel where the first part of the service was read, I will find the
+grave". To humor her whim, he led her thither, and, looking round for a
+moment or two, she started from the chapel, followed the path along which
+the corpse had been borne, and was standing by the newly-made grave when
+the official arrived to point it out. Her own explanation was that she
+had seen all the service; what is certain is, that she had never been to
+Kensal Green before, and that she walked steadily to the grave from the
+chapel. Whether the spot had been carefully described to her, whether she
+had heard others talking of its position or not, we could never
+ascertain; she had no remembrance of any such description, and the matter
+always remained to us a problem. But after the lapse of years a hundred
+little things may have been forgotten which unconsciously served as
+guides at the time. She must have been, of course, at that time, in a
+state of abnormal nervous excitation, a state of which another proof was
+shortly afterwards given. The youngest of our little family was a boy
+about three years younger than myself, a very beautiful child, blue-eyed
+and golden haired--I have still a lock of his hair, of exquisite pale
+golden hue--and the little lad was passionately devoted to his father. He
+was always a delicate boy, and had I suppose, therefore, been specially
+petted, and he fretted continually for "papa". It is probable that the
+consumptive taint had touched him, for he pined steadily away, with no
+marked disease, during the winter months. One morning my mother calmly
+stated: "Alf is going to die". It was in vain that it was urged on her
+that with the spring strength would return to the child. "No", she
+persisted. "He was lying asleep in my arms last night, and William came
+to me and said that he wanted Alf with him, but that I might keep the
+other two." She had in her a strong strain of Celtic superstition, and
+thoroughly believed that this "vision"--a most natural dream under the
+circumstances--was a direct "warning", and that her husband had come to
+her to tell her of her approaching loss. This belief was, in her eyes,
+thoroughly justified by the little fellow's death in the following March,
+calling to the end for "Papa! papa!" My brother and I were allowed to see
+him just before he was placed in his coffin; I can see him still, so
+white and beautiful, with a black spot in the middle of the fair waxen
+forehead, and I remember the deadly cold which startled me when I was
+told to kiss my little brother. It was the first time that I had touched
+Death. That black spot made a curious impression on me, and long
+afterwards, asking what had caused it, I was told that at the moment
+after his death my mother had passionately kissed the baby brow. Pathetic
+thought, that the mother's kiss of farewell should have been marked by
+the first sign of corruption on the child's face.
+
+And now began my mother's time of struggle and of anxiety. Hitherto,
+since her marriage, she had known no money troubles, for her husband was
+earning a good income; he was apparently vigorous and well: no thought of
+anxiety clouded their future. When he died, he believed that he left his
+wife and children safe, at least, from pecuniary distress. It was not so.
+I know nothing of the details, but the outcome of all was that nothing
+was left for the widow and children, save a trifle of ready money. The
+resolve to which, my mother came was characteristic. Two of her husband's
+relatives, Western and Sir William Wood, offered to educate her son at a
+good city school, and to start him in commercial life, using their great
+city influence to push him forward. But the young lad's father and mother
+had talked of a different future for their eldest boy; he was to go to a
+public school, and then to the University, and was to enter one of the
+"learned professions"--to take orders, the mother wished; to go to the
+Bar, the father hoped. On his death-bed there was nothing more earnestly
+urged by my father than that Harry should receive the best possible
+education, and the widow was resolute to fulfil that last wish. In her
+eyes, a city school was not "the best possible education", and the Irish
+pride rebelled against the idea of her son not being "a University man".
+Many were the lectures poured out on the young widow's head about her
+"foolish pride", especially by the female members of the Wood family; and
+her persistence in her own way caused a considerable alienation between
+herself and them. But Western and William, though half-disapproving,
+remained her friends, and lent many a helping hand to her in her first
+difficult struggles. After much cogitation, she resolved that the boy
+should be educated at Harrow, where the fees are comparatively low to
+lads living in the town, and that he should go thence to Cambridge or to
+Oxford, as his tastes should direct. A bold scheme for a penniless widow,
+but carried out to the letter; for never dwelt in a delicate body a more
+resolute mind and will than that of my dear mother.
+
+In a few months' time--during which we lived, poorly enough, in Richmond
+Terrace, Clapham, close to her father and mother--to Harrow, then, she
+betook herself, into lodgings over a grocer's shop, and set herself to
+look for a house. This grocer was a very pompous man, fond of long words,
+and patronised the young widow exceedingly, and one day my mother related
+with much amusement how he had told her that she was sure to get on if
+she worked hard. "Look at me!" he said swelling visibly with importance;
+"I was once a poor boy, without a penny of my own, and now I am a
+comfortable man, and have my submarine villa to go to every evening".
+That "submarine villa" was an object of amusement when we passed it in
+our walks for many a long day. "There is Mr. ----'s submarine villa",
+some one would say, laughing: and I, too, used to laugh merrily, because
+my elders did, though my understanding of the difference between suburban
+and submarine was on a par with that of the honest grocer.
+
+My mother had fortunately found a boy, whose parents were glad to place
+him in her charge, of about the age of her own son, to educate with him;
+and by this means she was able to pay for a tutor, to prepare the two
+boys for school. The tutor had a cork leg, which was a source of serious
+trouble to me, for it stuck out straight behind when we knelt down to
+family prayers--conduct which struck me as irreverent and unbecoming, but
+which I always felt a desire to imitate. After about a year, my mother
+found a house which she thought would suit her scheme, namely, to obtain
+permission from Dr. Vaughan, the then Head Master of Harrow, to take some
+boys into her house, and so gain means of education for her own son. Dr.
+Vaughan, who must have been won by the gentle, strong, little woman, from
+that time forth became her earnest friend and helper; and to the counsel
+and active assistance both of himself and of his wife, was due much of
+the success that crowned her toil. He made only one condition in granting
+the permission she asked, and that was, that she should also have in her
+house one of the masters of the school, so that the boys should not
+suffer from the want of a house-tutor. This condition, of course, she
+readily accepted, and the arrangement lasted for ten years, until after
+her son had left school for Cambridge.
+
+The house she took is now, I am sorry to say, pulled down, and replaced
+by a hideous red-brick structure. It was very old and rambling,
+rose-covered in front, ivy-covered behind; it stood on the top of Harrow
+Hill, between the church and the school, and had once been the vicarage
+of the parish, but the vicar had left it because it was so far removed
+from the part of the village where all his work lay. The drawing-room
+opened by an old-fashioned half-window, half-door--which proved a
+constant source of grief to me, for whenever I had on a new frock I
+always tore it on the bolt as I flew through it--into a large garden
+which sloped down one side of the hill, and was filled with the most
+delightful old trees, fir and laurel, may, mulberry, hazel, apple, pear,
+and damson, not to mention currant and gooseberry bushes innumerable, and
+large strawberry beds spreading down the sunny slopes. There was not a
+tree there that I did not climb, and one, a widespreading Portugal
+laurel, was my private country house. I had there my bedroom and my
+sitting-rooms, my study, and my larder. The larder was supplied by the
+fruit-trees, from which I was free to pick as I would, and in the study I
+would sit for hours with some favorite book--Milton's "Paradise Lost" the
+chief favorite of all. The birds must often have felt startled, when from
+the small swinging form perching on a branch, came out in childish tones
+the "Thrones, dominations, princedoms, virtues, powers", of Milton's
+stately and sonorous verse. I liked to personify Satan, and to declaim
+the grand speeches of the hero-rebel, and many a happy hour did I pass in
+Milton's heaven and hell, with for companions Satan and "the Son",
+Gabriel and Abdiel. Then there was a terrace running by the side of the
+churchyard, always dry in the wettest weather, and bordered by an old
+wooden fence, over which clambered roses of every shade; never was such a
+garden for roses as that of the Old Vicarage. At the end of the terrace
+was a little summer-house, and in this a trap-door in the fence, which
+swung open and displayed one of the fairest views in England. Sheer from
+your feet downwards went the hill, and then far below stretched the
+wooded country till your eye reached the towers of Windsor Castle, far
+away on the horizon. It was the view at which Byron was never tired of
+gazing, as he lay on the flat tombstone close by--Byron's tomb, as it is
+still called--of which he wrote:
+
+"Again I behold where for hours I have pondered,
+   As reclining, at eve, on yon tombstone I lay,
+Or round the steep brow of the churchyard I wandered,
+   To catch the last gleam of the sun's setting ray."
+
+Reader mine, if ever you go to Harrow, ask permission to enter the old
+garden, and try the effect of that sudden burst of beauty, as you swing
+back the small trap-door at the terrace end.
+
+Into this house we moved on my eighth birthday, and for eleven years it
+was "home" to me, left always with regret, returned to always with joy.
+
+Almost immediately afterwards I left my mother for the first time; for
+one day, visiting a family who lived close by, I found a stranger sitting
+in the drawing-room, a lame lady with, a strong face, which softened
+marvellously as she smiled at the child who came dancing in; she called
+me to her presently, and took me on her lap and talked to me, and on the
+following day our friend came to see my mother, to ask if she would let
+me go away and be educated with this lady's niece, coming home for the
+holidays regularly, but leaving my education in her hands. At first my
+mother would not hear of it, for she and I scarcely ever left each other;
+my love for her was an idolatry, hers for me a devotion. [A foolish
+little story, about which I was unmercifully teased for years, marked
+that absolute idolatry of her, which has not yet faded from my heart. In
+tenderest rallying one day of the child who trotted after her everywhere,
+content to sit, or stand, or wait, if only she might touch hand or dress
+of "mamma," she said: "Little one (the name by which she always called
+me), if you cling to mamma in this way, I must really get a string and
+tie you to my apron, and how will you like that?" "O mamma darling," came
+the fervent answer, "do let it be in a knot." And, indeed, the tie of
+love between us was so tightly knotted that nothing ever loosened it till
+the sword of Death cut that which pain and trouble never availed to
+slacken in the slightest degree.] But it was urged upon her that the
+advantages of education offered were such as no money could purchase for
+me; that it would be a disadvantage for me to grow up in a houseful of
+boys--and, in truth, I was as good a cricketer and climber as the best of
+them--that my mother would soon be obliged to send me to school, unless
+she accepted an offer which gave me every advantage of school without its
+disadvantages. At last she yielded, and it was decided that Miss Marryat,
+on returning home, should take me with her.
+
+Miss Marryat--the favorite sister of Captain Marryat, the famous
+novelist--was a maiden lady of large means. She had nursed her brother
+through the illness that ended in his death, and had been living with her
+mother at Wimbledon Park. On her mother's death she looked round for work
+which would make her useful in the world, and finding that one of her
+brothers had a large family of girls, she offered to take charge of one
+of them, and to educate her thoroughly. Chancing to come to Harrow, my
+good fortune threw me in her way, and she took a fancy to me and thought
+she would like to teach two little girls rather than one. Hence her offer
+to my mother.
+
+Miss Marryat had a perfect genius for teaching, and took in it the
+greatest delight. From time to time she added another child to our party,
+sometimes a boy, sometimes a girl. At first, with Amy Marryat and myself,
+there was a little boy, Walter Powys, son of a clergyman with a large
+family, and him she trained for some years, and then sent him on to
+school admirably prepared. She chose "her children"--as she loved to call
+us--in very definite fashion. Each must be gently born and gently
+trained, but in such position that the education freely given should be a
+relief and aid to a slender parental purse. It was her delight to seek
+out and aid those on whom poverty presses most heavily, when the need for
+education for the children weighs on the proud and the poor. "Auntie" we
+all called her, for she thought "Miss Marryat" seemed too cold and stiff.
+She taught us everything herself except music, and for this she had a
+master, practising us in composition, in recitation, in reading aloud
+English and French, and later, German, devoting herself to training us in
+the soundest, most thorough fashion. No words of mine can tell how much I
+owe her, not only of knowledge, bit of that love of knowledge which has
+remained with me ever since as a constant spur to study.
+
+Her method of teaching may be of interest to some, who desire to train
+children with the least pain, and the most enjoyment to the little ones
+themselves. First, we never used a spelling-book--that torment of the
+small child--nor an English grammar. But we wrote letters, telling of the
+things we had seen in our walks, or told again some story we had read;
+these childish compositions she would read over with us, correcting all
+faults of spelling, of grammar, of style, of cadence; a clumsy sentence
+would be read aloud, that we might hear how unmusical it sounded; an
+error in observation or expression pointed out. Then, as the letters
+recorded what we had seen the day before, the faculty of observation was
+drawn out and trained. "Oh, dear! I have nothing to say!" would come from
+a small child, hanging over a slate. "Did you not go out for a walk
+yesterday?" Auntie would question. "Yes", would be sighed out; "but
+there's nothing to say about it". "Nothing to say! And you walked in the
+lanes for an hour and saw nothing, little No-eyes? You must use your eyes
+better to-day." Then there was a very favorite "lesson", which proved an
+excellent way of teaching spelling. We used to write out lists of all the
+words we could think of, which sounded the same but were differently
+spelt. Thus: "key, quay," "knight, night," and so on; and great was the
+glory of the child who found the largest number. Our French lessons--as
+the German later--included reading from the very first. On the day on
+which we began German we began reading Schiller's "Wilhelm Tell," and the
+verbs given to us to copy out were those that had occurred in the
+reading. We learned much by heart, but always things that in themselves
+were worthy to be learned. We were never given the dry questions and
+answers which lazy teachers so much affect. We were taught history by one
+reading aloud while the others worked--the boys as well as the girls
+learning the use of the needle. "It's like a girl to sew," said a little
+fellow, indignantly, one day. "It is like a baby to have to run after a
+girl if you want a button sewn on," quoth Auntie. Geography was learned
+by painting skeleton maps--an exercise much delighted in by small
+fingers--and by putting together puzzle maps, in which countries in the
+map of a continent, or counties in the map of a country, were always cut
+out in their proper shapes. I liked big empires in those days; there was
+a solid satisfaction in putting down Russia, and seeing what a large part
+of the map was filled up thereby.
+
+The only grammar that we ever learned as grammar was the Latin, and that
+not until composition had made us familiar with the use of the rules
+therein given. Auntie had a great horror of children learning by rote
+things they did not understand, and then fancying they knew them. "What
+do you mean by that expression, Annie?" she would ask me. After feeble
+attempts to explain, I would answer: "Indeed, Auntie, I know in my own
+head, but I can't explain". "Then, indeed, Annie, you do not know in your
+own head, or you could explain, so that I might know in my own head." And
+so a healthy habit was fostered of clearness of thought and of
+expression. The Latin grammar was used because it was more perfect than
+the modern grammars, and served as a solid foundation for modern
+languages.
+
+Miss Marryat took a beautiful place, Fern Hill, near Charmouth, in
+Dorsetshire, on the borders of Devon, and there she lived for some five
+years, a centre of beneficence in the district. She started a
+Sunday-school, and a Bible-class after a while for the lads too old for
+the school, who clamored for admission to her class in it. She visited
+the poor, taking help wherever she went, and sending food from her own
+table to the sick. It was characteristic of her that she would never give
+"scraps" to the poor, but would have a basin brought in at dinner, and
+would cut the best slice to tempt the invalid appetite. Money she rarely,
+if ever, gave, but she would find a day's work, or busy herself to seek
+permanent employment for anyone asking aid. Stern in rectitude herself,
+and iron to the fawning or the dishonest, her influence, whether she was
+feared or loved, was always for good. Of the strictest sect of the
+Evangelicals, she was an Evangelical. On the Sunday no books were allowed
+save the Bible or the "Sunday at Home"; but she would try to make the day
+bright by various little devices; by a walk with her in the garden; by
+the singing of hymns, always attractive to children; by telling us
+wonderful missionary stories of Moffat and Livingstone, whose adventures
+with savages and wild beasts were as exciting as any tale of Mayne
+Reid's. We used to learn passages from the Bible and hymns for
+repetition; a favorite amusement was a "Bible puzzle", such as a
+description of some Bible scene, which was to be recognised by the
+description. Then we taught in the Sunday-school, for Auntie would tell
+us that it was useless for us to learn if we did not try to help those
+who had no one to teach them. The Sunday-school lessons had to be
+carefully prepared on the Saturday, for we were always taught that work
+given to the poor should be work that cost something to the giver. This
+principle, regarded by her as an illustration of the text, "Shall I give
+unto the Lord my God that which has cost me nothing?" ran through all her
+precept and her practice. When in some public distress we children went
+to her crying, and asking whether we could not help the little children
+who were starving, her prompt reply was: "What will you give up for
+them?" And then she said that if we liked to give up the use of sugar, we
+might thus each save 6d. a week to give away. I doubt if a healthier
+lesson can be given to children than that of personal self-denial for the
+good of others.
+
+Daily, when our lessons were over, we had plenty of fun; long walks and
+rides, rides on a lively pony, who found small children most amusing, and
+on which the coachman taught us to stick firmly, whatever his
+eccentricities of the moment; delightful all-day picnics in the lovely
+country round Charmouth, Auntie our merriest playfellow. Never was a
+healthier home, physically and mentally, made for young things than in
+that quiet village. And then the delight of the holidays! The pride of my
+mother at the good report of her darling's progress, and the renewal of
+acquaintance with every nook and corner in the dear old house and garden.
+
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The strong and intense Evangelicalism of Miss Marryat colored the whole
+of my early religious thought. I was naturally enthusiastic and fanciful,
+and was apt to throw myself strongly into the current of the emotional
+life around me, and hence I easily reflected the stern and narrow creed
+which ruled over my daily life. It was to me a matter of the most intense
+regret that Christians did not go about as in the "Pilgrim's Progress",
+armed to do battle with Apollyon and Giant Despair, or fight through a
+whole long day against thronging foes, until night brought victory and
+release. It would have been so easy, I used to think, to do tangible
+battle of that sort, so much easier than to learn lessons, and keep one's
+temper, and mend one's stockings. Quick to learn, my lessons of Bible and
+Prayer Book gave me no trouble, and I repeated page after page with
+little labor and much credit. I remember being praised for my love of the
+Bible, because I had learned by heart all the epistle of St. James's,
+while, as a matter of fact, the desire to distinguish myself was a far
+more impelling motive than any love of "the holy book;" the dignified
+cadences pleased my ear, and were swiftly caught and reproduced, and I
+was proud of the easy fashion in which I mastered and recited page after
+page. Another source of "carnal pride"--little suspected, I fear, by my
+dear instructress--was found in the often-recurring prayer meetings. In
+these the children were called on to take a part, and we were bidden pray
+aloud; this proceeding was naturally a sore trial, and being endued with
+an inordinate amount of "false pride"--the fear of appearing ridiculous,
+_i.e._, with self conceit--it was a great trouble when the summons came:
+"Annie dear, will you speak to our Lord". But the plunge once made, and
+the trembling voice steadied, enthusiasm and facility for cadenced speech
+always swallowed up the nervous "fear of breaking down", and I fear me
+that the prevailing thought was more often that God must think I prayed
+very nicely, than that I was a "miserable sinner", asking "pardon for the
+sake of Jesus Christ". The sense of sin, the contrition for man's fallen
+state, which are required by Evangelicalism, can never be truly felt by
+any child; but whenever a sensitive, dreamy, and enthusiastic child comes
+under strong Evangelistic influence, it is sure to manifest "signs of
+saving grace". As far as I can judge now, the total effect of the
+Calvinistic training was to make me somewhat morbid, but this tendency
+was counteracted by the healthier tone of my mother's thought, and the
+natural gay buoyancy of my nature rose swiftly whenever the pressure of
+the teaching that I was "a child of sin", and could "not naturally please
+God", was removed.
+
+In the spring of 1861, Miss Marryat announced her intention of going
+abroad, and asked my dear mother to let me accompany her. A little nephew
+whom she had adopted was suffering from cataract, and she desired to
+place him under the care of the famous Düsseldorf oculist. Amy Marryat
+had been recalled home soon after the death of her mother, who had died
+in giving birth to the child adopted by Miss Marryat, and named at her
+desire after her favorite brother Frederick (Captain Marryat). Her place
+had been taken by a girl a few months older than myself, Emma Mann, one
+of the daughters of a clergyman who had married a Miss Stanley, closely
+related, indeed if I remember rightly, a sister of the Miss Mary Stanley
+who did such noble work in nursing in the Crimea.
+
+For some months we had been diligently studying German, for Miss Marryat
+thought it wise that we should know a language fairly well before we
+visited the country of which it was the native tongue. We had been
+trained also to talk French daily during dinner, so we were not quite
+"helpless foreigners" when we steamed away from St. Catherine's Docks,
+and found ourselves on the following day in Antwerp, amid what seemed to
+us a very Babel of conflicting tongues. Alas for our carefully spoken
+French, articulated laboriously. We were lost in that swirl of disputing
+luggage-porters, and could not understand a word! But Miss Marryat was
+quite equal to the occasion, being by no means new to travelling, and her
+French stood the test triumphantly, and steered us safely to a hotel. On
+the morrow we started again through Aix-la-Chapelle to Bonn, the town
+which lies on the borders of the exquisite scenery of which the
+Siebengebirge and Rolandseck serve as the magic portal. Our experiences
+in Bonn were not wholly satisfactory. Dear Auntie was a maiden lady,
+looking on all young men as wolves to be kept far from her growing lambs.
+Bonn was a university town, and there was a mania just then prevailing
+there for all things English. Emma was a plump, rosy, fair-haired typical
+English maiden, full of frolic and harmless fun; I a very slight, pale,
+black-haired girl, alternating between wild fun and extreme pensiveness.
+In the boarding-house to which we went at first--the "Château du Rhin", a
+beautiful place overhanging the broad blue Rhine--there chanced to be
+staying the two sons of the late Duke of Hamilton, the Marquis of Douglas
+and Lord Charles, with their tutor. They had the whole drawing-room
+floor: we a sitting-room on the ground floor and bedrooms above. The lads
+discovered that Miss Marryat did not like her "children" to be on
+speaking terms with any of the "male sect". Here was a fine source of
+amusement. They would make their horses caracole on the gravel in front
+of our window; they would be just starting for their ride as we went for
+walk or drive, and would salute us with doffed hat and low bow; they
+would waylay us on our way downstairs with demure "Good morning"; they
+would go to church and post themselves so that they could survey our pew,
+and Lord Charles--who possessed the power of moving at will the whole
+skin of the scalp--would wriggle his hair up and down till we were
+choking with laughter, to our own imminent risk. After a month of this,
+Auntie was literally driven out of the pretty _Château_, and took refuge
+in a girls' school, much to our disgust, but still she was not allowed to
+be at rest. Mischievous students would pursue us wherever we went;
+sentimental Germans, with gashed cheeks, would whisper complimentary
+phrases as we passed; mere boyish nonsense of most harmless kind, but the
+rather stern English lady thought it "not proper", and after three months
+of Bonn we were sent home for the holidays, somewhat in disgrace. But we
+had some lovely excursions during those months; such clambering up
+mountains, such rows on the swift-flowing Rhine, such wanderings in
+exquisite valleys. I have a long picture-gallery to retire into when I
+want to think of something fair, in recalling the moon as it silvered the
+Rhine at the foot of Drachenfels, or the soft mist-veiled island where
+dwelt the lady who is consecrated for ever by Roland's love.
+
+A couple of months later we rejoined Miss Marryat in Paris, where we
+spent seven happy workful months. On Wednesdays and Saturdays we were
+free from lessons, and many a long afternoon was passed in the galleries
+of the Louvre, till we became familiar with the masterpieces of art
+gathered there from all lands. I doubt if there was a beautiful church in
+Paris that we did not visit during those weekly wanderings; that of St.
+Germain de l'Auxerrois was my favorite--the church whose bell gave the
+signal for the massacre of St. Bartholomew--for it contained such
+marvellous stained glass, deepest purest glory of color that I had ever
+seen. The solemn beauty of Notre Dame, the somewhat gaudy magnificence of
+La Sainte Chapelle, the stateliness of La Madeleine, the impressive gloom
+of St. Roch, were all familiar to us. Other delights were found in
+mingling with the bright crowds which passed along the Champs Elysées and
+sauntered in the Bois de Boulogne, in strolling in the garden of the
+Tuileries, in climbing to the top of every monument whence view of Paris
+could be gained. The Empire was then in its heyday of glitter, and we
+much enjoyed seeing the brilliant escort of the imperial carriage, with
+plumes and gold and silver dancing and glistening in the sunlight, while
+in the carriage sat the exquisitely lovely empress with the little boy
+beside her, touching his cap shyly, but with something of her own grace,
+in answer to a greeting--the boy who was thought to be born to an
+imperial crown, but whose brief career was to find an ending from the
+spears of savages in a quarrel in which he had no concern.
+
+In the spring of 1862 it chanced that the Bishop of Ohio visited Paris,
+and Mr. Forbes, then English chaplain at the Church of the Rue
+d'Aguesseau, arranged to have a confirmation. As said above, I was under
+deep "religious impressions", and, in fact, with the exception of that
+little aberration in Germany, I was decidedly a pious girl. I looked on
+theatres (never having been to one) as traps set by Satan for the
+destruction of foolish souls; I was quite determined never to go to a
+ball, and was prepared to "suffer for conscience sake"--little prig that
+I was--if I was desired to go to one. I was consequently quite prepared
+to take upon myself the vows made in my name at my baptism, and to
+renounce the world, the flesh, and the devil, with a heartiness and
+sincerity only equalled by my profound ignorance of the things I so
+readily resigned. That confirmation was to me a very solemn matter; the
+careful preparation, the prolonged prayers, the wondering awe as to the
+"sevenfold gifts of the Spirit", which were to be given by "the laying on
+of hands", all tended to excitement. I could scarcely control myself as I
+knelt at the altar rails, and felt as though the gentle touch of the aged
+Bishop, which fluttered for an instant on my bowed head, were the very
+touch of the wing of that "Holy Spirit, heavenly Dove", whose presence
+had been so earnestly invoked. Is there anything easier, I wonder, than
+to make a young and sensitive girl "intensely religious".
+
+My mother came over for the confirmation and for the "first communion" on
+Easter Sunday, and we had a delightful fortnight together, returning home
+after we had wandered hand-in-hand over all my favorite haunts. The
+summer of 1862 was spent with Miss Marryat at Sidmouth, and, wise woman
+that she was, she now carefully directed our studies with a view to our
+coming enfranchisement from the "school-room." More and more were we
+trained to work alone; our leading-strings were slackened, so that we
+never felt them save when we blundered; and I remember that when I once
+complained, in loving fashion, that she was "teaching me so little", she
+told me that I was getting old enough to be trusted to work by myself,
+and that I must not expect to "have Auntie for a crutch all through
+life". And I venture to say that this gentle withdrawal of constant
+supervision and teaching was one of the wisest and kindest things that
+this noble-hearted woman ever did for us. It is the usual custom to keep
+girls in the school-room until they "come out"; then, suddenly, they are
+left to their own devices, and, bewildered by their unaccustomed freedom,
+they waste time that might be priceless for their intellectual growth.
+Lately, the opening of universities to women has removed this danger for
+the more ambitious; but at the time of which I am writing no one dreamed
+of the changes soon to be made in the direction of the "higher education
+of women".
+
+During the winter of 1862-1863 Miss Marryat was in London, and for a few
+months I remained there with her, attending the admirable French classes
+of M. Roche. In the spring I returned home to Harrow, going up each week
+to the classes; and when these were over, Auntie told me that she thought
+all she could usefully do was done, and that it was time that I should
+try my wings alone. So well, however, had she succeeded in her aims, that
+my emancipation from the school-room was but the starting-point of more
+eager study, though now the study turned into the lines of thought
+towards which my personal tendencies most attracted me. German I
+continued to read with a master, and music, under the marvellously able
+teaching of Mr. John Farmer, musical director of Harrow School, took up
+much of my time. My dear mother had a passion for music, and Beethoven
+and Bach were her favorite composers. There was scarcely a sonata of
+Beethoven's that I did not learn, scarcely a fugue of Bach's that I did
+not master. Mendelssohn's "Lieder" gave a lighter recreation, and many a
+happy evening did we spend, my mother and I, over the stately strains of
+the blind Titan, and the sweet melodies of the German wordless orator.
+Musical "At Homes", too, were favorite amusements at Harrow, and at these
+my facile fingers made me a welcome guest.
+
+A very pleasant place was Harrow to a light-hearted serious-brained girl.
+The picked men of the Schools of Oxford and Cambridge came there as
+junior masters, so that one's partners at ball and croquet and archery
+could talk as well as flirt. Never girl had, I venture to say, a brighter
+girlhood than mine. Every morning and much of the afternoon spent in
+eager earnest study: evenings in merry party or quiet home-life, one as
+delightful as the other. Archery and croquet had in me a most devoted
+disciple, and the "pomps and vanities" of the ballroom found the happiest
+of votaries. My darling mother certainly "spoiled" me, so far as were
+concerned all the small roughnesses of life. She never allowed a trouble
+of any kind to touch me, and cared only that all worries should fall on
+her, all joys on me. I know now what I never dreamed then, that her life
+was one of serious anxiety. The heavy burden of my brother's school and
+college-life pressed on her constantly, and her need of money was often
+serious. A lawyer whom she trusted absolutely cheated her systematically,
+using for his own purposes the remittances she made for payment of
+liabilities, thus keeping upon her a constant drain. Yet for me all that
+was wanted was ever there. Was it a ball to which we were going? I need
+never think of what I would wear till the time for dressing arrived, and
+there laid out ready for me was all I wanted, every detail complete from
+top to toe. No hand but hers must dress my hair, which, loosed, fell in
+dense curly masses nearly to my knees; no hand but hers must fasten dress
+and deck with flowers, and if I sometimes would coaxingly ask if I might
+not help by sewing in laces, or by doing some trifle in aid, she would
+kiss me and bid me run to my books or my play, telling me that her only
+pleasure in life was caring for her "treasure". Alas! how lightly we take
+the self-denying labor that makes life so easy, ere yet we have known
+what life means when the protecting mother-wing is withdrawn. So guarded
+and shielded had been my childhood and youth from every touch of pain and
+anxiety that love could bear for me, that I never dreamed that life might
+be a heavy burden, save as I saw it in the poor I was sent to help; all
+the joy of those happy years I took, not ungratefully I hope, but
+certainly with as glad unconsciousness of anything rare in it as I took
+the sunlight. Passionate love, indeed, I gave to my darling, but I never
+knew all I owed her till I passed out of her tender guardianship, till I
+left my mother's home. Is such training wise? I am not sure. It makes the
+ordinary roughnesses of life come with so stunning a shock, when one goes
+out into the world, that one is apt to question whether some earlier
+initiation into life's sterner mysteries would not be wiser for the
+young. Yet it is a fair thing to have that joyous youth to look back
+upon, and at least it is a treasury of memory that no thief can steal in
+the struggles of later life.
+
+During those happy years my brain was given plenty of exercise. I used to
+keep a list of the books I read, so that I might not neglect my work; and
+finding a "Library of the Fathers" on the shelves, I selected that for
+one _piéce de résistance_. Soon those strange mystic writers won over me
+a great fascination, and I threw myself ardently into a study of the
+question: "Where is now the Catholic Church?". I read Pusey, and Liddon,
+and Keble, with many another of that school, and many of the seventeenth
+century English divines. I began to fast--to the intense disapproval of
+my mother, who cared for my health far more than for all the Fathers the
+Church could boast of--to use the sign of the cross, to go to weekly
+communion. Indeed, the contrast I found between my early Evangelical
+training and the doctrines of the Primitive Christian Church would have
+driven me over to Rome, had it not been for the proofs afforded by Pusey
+and his co-workers, that the English Church might be Catholic although
+non-Roman. But for them I should most certainly have joined the Papal
+Communion; for if the Church of the early centuries be compared with Rome
+and with Geneva, there is no doubt that Rome shows marks of primitive
+Christianity of which Geneva is entirely devoid. I became content when I
+found that the practices and doctrines of the Anglican Church could be
+knitted on to those of the martyrs and confessors of the early Church,
+for it had not yet struck me that the early Church might itself be
+challenged. To me, at that time, the authority of Jesus was supreme and
+unassailable; his apostles were his infallible messengers; Clement of
+Rome, Polycarp, and Barnabas, these were the very pupils of the apostles
+themselves. I never dreamed of forgeries, of pious frauds, of writings
+falsely ascribed to venerated names. Nor do I now regret that so it was;
+for, without belief, the study of the early Fathers would be an
+intolerable weariness; and that old reading of mine has served me well in
+many of my later controversies with Christians, who knew the literature
+of their Church less well than I.
+
+To this ecclesiastical reading was added some study of stray scientific
+works, but the number of these that came in my way was very limited. The
+atmosphere surrounding me was literary rather than scientific. I remember
+reading a translation of Plato that gave me great delight, and being
+rather annoyed by the insatiable questionings of Socrates. Lord Derby's
+translation of the Iliad also charmed me with its stateliness and melody,
+and Dante was another favorite study. Wordsworth and Cowper I much
+disliked, and into the same category went all the 17th and 18th century
+"poets," though I read them conscientiously through. Southey fascinated
+me with his wealth of Oriental fancies, while Spencer was a favorite
+book, put beside Milton and Dante. My novel reading was extremely
+limited; indeed the "three volume novel" was a forbidden fruit. My mother
+regarded these ordinary love-stories as unhealthy reading for a young
+girl, and gave me Scott and Kingsley, but not Miss Braddon or Mrs. Henry
+Wood. Nor would she take me to the theatre, though we went to really good
+concerts. She had a horror of sentimentality in girls, and loved to see
+them bright and gay, and above all things absolutely ignorant of all evil
+things and of premature love-dreams. Happy, healthy and workful were
+those too brief years.
+
+
+
+IV.
+
+
+My grandfather's house, No. 8, Albert Square, Clapham Road, was a second
+home from my earliest childhood.
+
+That house, with its little strip of garden at the back, will always
+remain dear and sacred to me. I can see now the two almond trees, so rich
+in blossom every spring, so barren in fruit every autumn; the large
+spreading tufts of true Irish shamrock, brought from Ireland, and
+lovingly planted in the new grey London house, amid the smoke; the little
+nooks at the far end, wherein I would sit cosily out of sight reading a
+favorite book. Inside it was but a commonplace London house, only one
+room, perhaps, differing from any one that might have been found in any
+other house in the square. That was my grandfather's "work-room", where
+he had a lathe fitted up, for he had a passion and a genius for inventive
+work in machinery. He took out patents for all sorts of ingenious
+contrivances, but always lost money. His favorite invention was of a
+"railway chair", for joining the ends of rails together, and in the
+ultimate success of this he believed to his death. It was (and is) used
+on several lines, and was found to answer splendidly, but the old man
+never derived any profit from his invention. The fact was he had no
+money, and those who had took it up and utilised it, and kept all the
+profit for themselves. There were several cases in which his patents
+dropped, and then others took up his inventions, and made a commercial
+success thereof.
+
+A strange man altogether was that grandfather of mine, whom I can only
+remember as a grand-looking old man, with snow-white hair and piercing
+hawk's eyes. The merriest of wild Irishmen was he in his youth, and I
+have often wished that his biography had been written, if only as a
+picture of Dublin society at the time. He had an exquisite voice, and one
+night he and some of his wild comrades went out singing through the
+streets as beggars. Pennies, sixpences, shillings, and even half-crowns
+came showering down in recompense of street music of such unusual
+excellence; then the young scamps, ashamed of their gains, poured them
+all into the hat of a cripple they met, who must have thought that all
+the blessed saints were out that night in the Irish capital. On another
+occasion he went to the wake of an old woman who had been bent nearly
+double by rheumatism, and had been duly "laid out", and tied down firmly,
+so as to keep the body straight in the recumbent position. He hid under
+the bed, and when the whisky was flowing freely, and the orgie was at its
+height, he cut the ropes with a sharp knife, and the old woman suddenly
+sat up in bed, frightening the revellers out of their wits, and, luckily
+for my grandfather, out of the room. Many such tales would he tell, with
+quaint Irish humor, in his later days. He died, from a third stroke of
+paralysis, in 1862.
+
+The Morrises were a very "clannish" family, and my grandfather's house
+was the London centre. All the family gathered there on each
+Christmastide, and on Christmas day was always held high festival. For
+long my brother and I were the only grandchildren within reach, and were
+naturally made much of. The two sons were out in India, married, with
+young families. The youngest daughter was much away from home, and a
+second was living in Constantinople, but three others lived with their
+father and mother. Bessie, the eldest of the whole family, was a woman of
+rigid honor and conscientiousness, but poverty and the struggle to keep
+out of debt had soured her, and "Aunt Bessie" was an object of dread, not
+of love. One story of her early life will best tell her character. She
+was engaged to a young clergyman, and one day when Bessie was at church
+he preached a sermon taken without acknowledgment from some old divine.
+The girl's keen sense of honor was shocked at the deception, and she
+broke off her engagement, but remained unmarried for the rest of her
+life. "Careful and troubled about many things" was poor Aunt Bessie, and
+I remember being rather shocked one day at hearing her express her
+sympathy with Martha, when her sister left her to serve alone, and at her
+saying: "I doubt very much whether Jesus would have liked it if Martha
+had been lying about on the floor as well as Mary, and there had been no
+supper. But there! it's always those who do the work who are scolded,
+because they have not time to be as sweet and nice as those who do
+nothing." Nor could she ever approve of the treatment of the laborers in
+the parable, when those who "had borne the burden and heat of the day"
+received but the same wage as those that had worked but one hour. "It was
+not just", she would say doggedly. A sad life was hers, for she repelled
+all sympathy, and yet later I had reason to believe that she half broke
+her heart because none loved her well. She was ever gloomy,
+unsympathising, carping, but she worked herself to death for those whose
+love she chillily repulsed. She worked till, denying herself every
+comfort, she literally dropped. One morning, when she got out of bed, she
+fell, and crawling into bed again, quietly said she could do no more; lay
+there for some months, suffering horribly with unvarying patience; and
+died, rejoicing that at last she would have "rest".
+
+Two other "Aunties" were my playfellows, and I their pet. Minnie, a
+brilliant pianiste, earned a precarious livelihood by teaching music. The
+long fasts, the facing of all weathers, the weary rides in omnibuses with
+soaked feet, broke down at last a splendid constitution, and after some
+three years of torture, commencing with a sharp attack of English
+cholera, she died the year before my marriage. But during my girlhood she
+was the gayest and merriest of my friends, her natural buoyancy
+re-asserting itself whenever she could escape from her musical
+tread-mill. Great was my delight when she joined my mother and myself for
+our spring or summer trips, and when at my favorite St. Leonards--at the
+far unfashionable end, right away from the gay watering-place folk--we
+settled down for four or five happy weeks of sea and country, and when
+Minnie and I scampered over the country on horseback, merry as children
+set free from school. My other favorite auntie was of a quieter type, a
+soft pretty loving little woman. "Co" we called her, for she was "such a
+cosy little thing", her father used to say. She was my mother's favorite
+sister, her "child", she would name her, because "Co" was so much her
+junior, and when she was a young girl the little child had been her
+charge. "Always take care of little Co", was one of my mother's dying
+charges to me, and fortunately "little Co" has--though the only one of my
+relatives who has done so--clung to me through change of faith, and
+through social ostracism. Her love for me, and her full belief that,
+however she differed from me, I meant right, have never varied, have
+never been shaken. She is intensely religious--as will be seen in the
+later story, wherein her life was much woven with mine--but however much
+"darling Annie's" views or actions might shock her, it is "darling Annie"
+through it all; "You are so good" she said to me the last time I saw her,
+looking up at me with all her heart in her eyes; "anyone so good as you
+must come to our dear Lord at last!" As though any, save a brute, could
+be aught but good to "little Co".
+
+On the Christmas following my eighteenth birthday, a little Mission
+Church in which Minnie was much interested, was opened near Albert
+Square. My High Church enthusiasm was in full bloom, and the services in
+this little Mission Church were "high", whereas those in all the
+neighboring churches were "low". A Mr. Hoare, an intensely earnest man,
+was working there in most devoted fashion, and was glad to welcome any
+aid; we decorated his church, worked ornaments for it, and thought we
+were serving God when we were really amusing ourselves in a small place
+where our help was over-estimated, and where the clergy, very likely
+unconsciously, flattered us for our devotion. Among those who helped to
+carry on the services there, was a young undermaster of Stockwell Grammar
+School, the rev. Frank Besant, a Cambridge man, who had passed as 28th
+wrangler in his year, and who had just taken orders. At Easter we were
+again at Albert Square, and devoted much time to the little church,
+decking it on Easter Eve with soft yellow tufts of primrose blossom, and
+taking much delight in the unbounded admiration bestowed on the dainty
+spring blossoms by the poor who crowded in. I made a lovely white cross
+for the super-altar with camelias and azaleas and white geraniums, but
+after all it was not really as spring-like, as suitable for a
+"Resurrection", as the simple sweet wild flowers, still dewy from their
+nests in field and glade and lane.
+
+That Easter was memorable to me for another cause. It saw waked and
+smothered my first doubt. That some people did doubt the historical
+accuracy of the Bible I knew, for one or two of the Harrow masters were
+friends of Colenso, the heretic Bishop of Natal, but fresh from my
+Patristic studies, I looked on heretics with blind horror, possibly the
+stronger from its very vagueness, and its ignorance of what it feared. My
+mother objected to my reading controversial books which dealt with the
+points at issue between Christianity and Freethought, and I did not care
+for her favorite Stanley, who might have widened my views, regarding him
+(on the word of Pusey) as "unsound in the faith once delivered to the
+saints". I had read Pusey's book on "Daniel the prophet", and, knowing
+nothing of the criticisms he attacked, I felt triumphant at his
+convincing demonstrations of their error, and felt sure that none but the
+wilfully blind could fail to see how weak were the arguments of the
+heretic writers. That stately preface of his was one of my favorite
+pieces of reading, and his dignified defence against all novelties of
+"that which must be old because it is eternal, and must be unchangeable
+because it is true", at once charmed and satisfied me. The delightful
+vagueness of Stanley, which just suited my mother's broad views, because
+it _was_ vague and beautiful, was denounced by Pusey--not unwarrantably--
+as that "variegated use of words which destroys all definiteness of
+meaning". When she would bid me not be uncharitable to those with whom I
+differed in matters of religion, I would answer in his words, that
+"charity to error is treason to truth", and that to speak out the truth
+unwaveringly as it was revealed, was alone "loyalty to God and charity to
+the souls of men".
+
+Judge, then, of my terror at my own results when I found myself betrayed
+into writing down some contradictions from the Bible. With that poetic
+dreaming which is one of the charms of Catholicism, whether English or
+Roman, I threw myself back into the time of the first century as the
+"Holy Week" of 1866 approached. In order to facilitate the realisation of
+those last sacred days of God incarnate on earth, working out man's
+salvation, I resolved to write a brief history of that week, compiled
+from the four gospels, meaning then to try and realise each day the
+occurrences that had happened on the corresponding date in A.D. 33, and
+so to follow those "blessed feet" step by step, till they were
+
+  "... nailed for our advantage to the bitter cross."
+
+With the fearlessness which springs from ignorance I sat down to my
+task. My method was as follows:
+
+     MATTHEW.     |      MARK.      |      LUKE.      |     JOHN.
+                  |                 |                 |
+   PALM SUNDAY.   |   PALM SUNDAY.  |   PALM SUNDAY.  |   PALM SUNDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Rode into         | Rode into       | Rode into       | Rode into
+Jerusalem.        | Jerusalem.      | Jerusalem.      | Jerusalem. Spoke
+Purified the      | Returned to     | Purified the    | in the Temple.
+Temple. Returned  | Bethany.        | Temple. Note:   |
+to Bethany.       |                 | "Taught daily   |
+                  |                 | in the Temple". |
+                  |                 |                 |
+     MONDAY.      |     MONDAY.     |     MONDAY.     |     MONDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Cursed the fig    | Cursed the fig  | Like Matthew.   |
+tree. Taught in   | tree. Purified  |                 |
+the Temple, and   | the Temple.     |                 |
+spake many        | Went out of     |                 |
+parables. No      | city.           |                 |
+breaks shown,     |                 |                 |
+but the fig tree  |                 |                 |
+(xxi., 19) did    |                 |                 |
+not wither till   |                 |                 |
+Tuesday (see      |                 |                 |
+Mark).            |                 |                 |
+                  |                 |                 |
+     TUESDAY.     |     TUESDAY.    |     TUESDAY.    |    TUESDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+All chaps, xxi.,  | Saw fig tree    | Discourses. No  |
+20, xxii.-xxv.,   | withered up.    | date shown.     |
+spoken on Tues-   | Then discourses.|                 |
+day, for xxvi., 2 |                 |                 |
+gives Passover as |                 |                 |
+"after two days". |                 |                 |
+                  |                 |                 |
+    WEDNESDAY.    |    WEDNESDAY.   |    WEDNESDAY.   |    WEDNESDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Blank.            |                 |                 |
+(Possibly remained in Bethany; the alabaster box of ointment.)
+                  |                 |                 |
+    THURSDAY.     |    THURSDAY.    |    THURSDAY.    |    THURSDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Preparation of    | Same as Matt.   | Same as Matt.   | Discourses with
+Passover. Eating  |                 |                 | disciples, but
+of Passover,      |                 |                 | _before_ the
+and institution   |                 |                 | Passover. Washes
+of the Holy Eu-   |                 |                 | the disciples'
+charist. Gesthse- |                 |                 | feet. Nothing said
+mane. Betrayal    |                 |                 | of Holy Eucharist,
+by Judas. Led     |                 |                 | nor of agony in
+captive to Caia-  |                 |                 | Gethsemane.
+phas. Denied by   |                 |                 | Malchus' ear.
+St. Peter.        |                 |                 | Led captive to
+                  |                 |                 | Annas first. Then
+                  |                 |                 | to Caiaphas. Denied
+                  |                 |                 | by St. Peter.
+                  |                 |                 |
+     FRIDAY.      |     FRIDAY.     |     FRIDAY.     |      FRIDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Led to Pilate.    | As Matthew,     | Led to Pilate.  | Taken to Pilate.
+Judas hangs       | but hour of     | Sent to Herod.  | Jews would not
+himself. Tried.   | crucifixion     | Sent back to    | enter, that they
+Condemned to      | given, 9 a.m.   | Pilate. Rest as | might eat the
+death. Scourged   |                 | in Matthew; but | Passover.
+and mocked.       |                 | _one_  male-    | Scourged by Pi-
+Led to cruci-     |                 | factor repents. | late before con-
+fixion. Darkness  |                 |                 | demnation, and
+from 12 to 3.     |                 |                 | mocked. Shown by
+Died at 3.        |                 |                 | Pilate to Jews
+                  |                 |                 | at 12.
+
+At this point I broke down. I had been getting more and more uneasy and
+distressed as I went on, but when I found that the Jews would not go into
+the judgment hall lest they should be defiled, because they desired to
+eat the passover, having previously seen that Jesus had actually eaten
+the passover with his disciples the evening before; when after writing
+down that he was crucified at 9 a.m., and that there was darkness over
+all the land from 12 to 3 p.m., I found that three hours after he was
+crucified he was standing in the judgment hall, and that at the very hour
+at which the miraculous darkness covered the earth; when I saw that I was
+writing a discord instead of a harmony, I threw down my pen and shut up
+my Bible. The shock of doubt was, however only momentary. I quickly
+recognised it as a temptation of the devil, and I shrank back
+horror-stricken and penitent for the momentary lapse of faith. I saw that
+these apparent contradictions were really a test of faith, and that there
+would be no credit in believing a thing in which there were no
+difficulties. _Credo quia impossibile_; I repeated Tertullian's words at
+first doggedly, at last triumphantly. I fasted as penance for my
+involuntary sin of unbelief. I remembered that the Bible must not be
+carelessly read, and that St. Peter had warned us that there were in it
+"some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and
+unstable wrest unto their own destruction". I shuddered at the
+"destruction" to the edge of which my unlucky "harmony" had drawn me, and
+resolved that I would never again venture on a task for which I was so
+evidently unfitted. Thus the first doubt was caused, and though swiftly
+trampled down, it had none the less raised its head. It was stifled, not
+answered, for all my religious training had led me to regard a doubt as a
+sin to be repented of, not examined. And it left in my mind the dangerous
+feeling that there were some things into which it was safer not to
+enquire too closely; things which must be accepted on faith, and not too
+narrowly scrutinised. The awful threat: "He that believeth not shall be
+damned," sounded in my ears, and, like the angel with the flaming sword,
+barred the path of all too curious enquiry.
+
+
+
+V.
+
+
+The spring ripened into summer in uneventful fashion, so far as I was
+concerned, the smooth current of my life flowing on untroubled, hard
+reading and merry play filling the happy days. I learned later that two
+or three offers of marriage reached my mother for me; but she answered to
+each: "She is too young. I will not have her troubled." Of love-dreams I
+had absolutely none, partly, I expect, from the absence of fiery novels
+from my reading, partly because my whole dream-tendencies were absorbed
+by religion, and all my fancies ran towards a "religious life". I longed
+to spend my time in worshipping Jesus, and was, as far as my inner life
+was concerned, absorbed in that passionate love of "the Savior" which,
+among emotional Catholics, really is the human passion of love
+transferred to an ideal--for women to Jesus, for men to the Virgin Mary.
+In order to show that I am not here exaggerating, I subjoin a few of the
+prayers in which I found daily delight, and I do this in order to show
+how an emotional girl may be attracted by these so-called devotional
+exercises.
+
+"O crucified Love, raise in me fresh ardors of love and consolation, that
+it may henceforth be the greatest torment I can endure ever to offend
+Thee; that it may be my greatest delight to please Thee."
+
+"Let the remembrance of Thy death, O Lord Jesu, make me to desire and
+pant after Thee, that I may delight in Thy gracious presence."
+
+"O most sweet Jesu Christ, I, unworthy sinner, yet redeemed by Thy
+precious blood.... Thine I am and will be, in life and in death."
+
+"O Jesu, beloved, fairer than the sons of men, draw me after Thee with
+the cords of Thy love."
+
+"Blessed are Thou, O most merciful God, who didst vouchsafe to espouse me
+to the heavenly Bridegroom in the waters of baptism, and hast imparted
+Thy body and blood as a new gift of espousal and the meet consummation of
+Thy love."
+
+"O most sweet Lord Jesu, transfix the affections of my inmost soul with
+that most joyous and most healthful wound of Thy love, with true, serene,
+most holy, apostolic charity; that my soul may ever languish and melt
+with entire love and longing for Thee. Let it desire Thee and faint for
+Thy courts; long to be dissolved and be with Thee."
+
+"Oh, that I could embrace Thee with that most burning love of angels."
+
+"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth; for Thy love is better
+than wine. Draw me, we will run after Thee. The king hath brought me into
+his chambers.... Let my soul, O Lord, feel the sweetness of Thy presence.
+May it taste how sweet Thou art.... May the sweet and burning power of
+Thy love, I beseech Thee, absorb my soul."
+
+To my dear mother this type of religious thought was revolting. But then,
+she was a woman who had been a wife and a devoted one, while I was a
+child awaking into womanhood, with emotions and passions dawning and not
+understood, emotions and passions which craved satisfaction, and found it
+in this "Ideal Man". Thousands of girls in England are to-day in exactly
+this mental phase, and it is a phase full of danger. In America it is
+avoided by a frank, open, unsentimental companionship between boys and
+girls, between young men and young women. In England, where this wisely
+free comradeship is regarded as "improper", the perfectly harmless and
+natural sexual feeling is either dwarfed or forced, and so we have
+"prudishness" and "fastness". The sweeter and more loving natures become
+prudes; the more shallow as well as the more high-spirited and merry
+natures become flirts. Often, as in my own case, the merry side finds its
+satisfaction in amusements that demand active physical exercise, while
+the loving side finds its joy in religious expansion, in which the
+idealised figure of Jesus becomes the object of passion, and the life of
+the nun becomes the ideal life, as being dedicated to that one devotion.
+To the girl, of course, this devotion is all that is most holy, most
+noble, most pure. But analysing it now, after it has long been a thing of
+the past, I cannot but regard it as a mere natural outlet for the dawning
+feelings of womanhood, certain to be the more intense and earnest as the
+nature is deep and loving.
+
+One very practical and mischievous result of this religious feeling is
+the idealisation of all clergymen, as being the special messengers of,
+and the special means of communication with, the "Most High". The priest
+is surrounded by the halo of Deity. The power that holds the keys of
+heaven and of hell becomes the object of reverence and of awe. Far more
+lofty than any title bestowed by earthly monarch is that patent of
+nobility straight from the hand of the "King of kings", which seems to
+give to the mortal something of the authority of the immortal, to crown
+the head of the priest with the diadem which belongs to those who are
+"kings and priests unto God". Swayed by these feelings, the position of a
+clergyman's wife seems second only to that of the nun, and has therefore
+a wonderful attractiveness, an attractiveness in which the particular
+clergyman affected plays a very subordinate part; it is the "sacred
+office", the nearness to "holy things", the consecration involved, which
+seem to make the wife a nearer worshipper than those who do not partake
+in the immediate "services of the altar"--it is all these that shed a
+glamor over the clerical life which attracts most those who are most apt
+to self-devotion, most swayed by imagination. I know how incomprehensible
+this will seem to many of my readers, but it is a fact none the less, and
+the saddest pity of it is that the glamor is most over those whose brains
+are quick and responsive to all forms of noble emotions, all suggestions
+of personal self-sacrifice; and if such later rise to the higher emotions
+whose shadows have attracted them, and to that higher self-sacrifice
+whose whispers reached them in their early youth, then the false
+prophet's veil is raised, and the life is either wrecked, or through
+storm-wind and surge of battling billows, with loss of mast and sail, is
+steered by firm hand into the port of a higher creed.
+
+My mother, Minnie, and I passed the summer holidays at St. Leonards, and
+many a merry gallop had we over our favorite fields, I on a favorite
+black mare, Gipsy Queen, as full of life and spirits as I was myself, who
+danced gaily over ditch and hedge, thinking little of my weight, for I
+rode barely eight stone. At the end of those, our last free summer
+holidays, we returned as usual to Harrow, and shortly afterwards I went
+to Switzerland with some dear friends of ours named Roberts.
+
+Everyone about Manchester will remember Mr. Roberts, the solicitor, the
+"poor man's lawyer". Close friend of Ernest Jones, and hand-in-hand with
+him through all his struggles, Mr. Roberts was always ready to fight a
+poor man's battle for him without fee, and to champion any worker
+unfairly dealt with. He worked hard in the agitation which saved women
+from working in the mines, and I have heard him tell how he had seen them
+toiling, naked to the waist, with short petticoats barely reaching to
+their knees, rough, foul-tongued, brutalised out of all womanly decency
+and grace; and how he had seen little children working there too, babies
+of three and four set to watch a door, and falling asleep at their work
+to be roused by curse and kick to the unfair toil. The old man's eye
+would begin to flash and his voice to rise as he told of these horrors,
+and then his face would soften as he added that, after it was all over
+and the slavery was put an end to, as he went through a coal-district the
+women standing at their doors would lift up their children to see "Lawyer
+Roberts" go by, and would bid "God bless him" for what he had done. This
+dear old man was my first tutor in Radicalism, and I was an apt pupil. I
+had taken no interest in politics, but had unconsciously reflected more
+or less the decorous Whiggism which had always surrounded me. I regarded
+"the poor" as folk to be educated, looked after, charitably dealt with,
+and always treated with most perfect courtesy, the courtesy being due
+from me, as a lady, to all equally, whether they were rich or poor. But
+to Mr. Roberts "the poor" were the working-bees, the wealth producers,
+with a right to self-rule, not to looking after, with a right to justice,
+not to charity, and he preached his doctrines to me, in season and out of
+season. "What do you think of John Bright?" he demanded of me one day. "I
+have never thought of him at all," I answered lightly. "Isn't he a rather
+rough sort of man, who goes about making rows?" "There, I thought so," he
+broke out fiercely. "That's just what they say. I believe some of you
+fine ladies would not go to heaven if you had to rub shoulders with John
+Bright, the noblest man God ever gave to the cause of the poor." And then
+he launched out into stories of John Bright's work and John Bright's
+eloquence, and showed me the changes that work and eloquence had made in
+the daily lives of the people.
+
+With Mr. Roberts, his wife, and two daughters, I went to Switzerland as
+the autumn drew near. It would be of little interest to tell how we went
+to Chamounix and worshipped Mont Blanc, how we crossed the Mer de Glace
+and the Mauvais Pas, how we visited the Monastery of St. Bernard (I
+losing my heart to the beautiful dogs), how we went by steamer down the
+lake of Thun, how we gazed at the Jungfrau and saw the exquisite
+Staubbach, how we visited Lausanne, and Berne, and Geneva, how we stood
+beside the wounded Lion, and shuddered in the dungeon of Chillon, how we
+walked distances we never should have attempted in England, how we
+younger ones lost ourselves on a Sunday afternoon, after ascending a
+mountain, and returned footsore and weary, to meet a party going out to
+seek us with lanterns and ropes. All these things have been so often
+described that I will not add one more description to the list, nor dwell
+on that strange feeling of awe, of wonder, of delight, that everyone must
+have felt, when the glory of the peaks clad in "everlasting snow" is for
+the first time seen against the azure sky on the horizon, and you whisper
+to yourself, half breathless: "The Alps! The Alps!"
+
+During that autumn I became engaged to the Rev. Frank Besant, giving up
+with a sigh of regret my dreams of the "religious life", and substituting
+for them the work which would have to be done as the wife of a priest,
+laboring ever in the church and among the poor. A queer view, some people
+may think, for a girl to take of married life, but it was the natural
+result of my living the life of the Early Church, of my enthusiasm for
+religious work. To me a priest was a half-angelic creature, whose whole
+life was consecrated to heaven; all that was deepest and truest in my
+nature chafed against my useless days, longed for work, yearned to devote
+itself, as I had read women saints had done, to the service of the church
+and the poor, to the battling against sin and misery. "You will have more
+opportunity for doing good as a clergyman's wife than as anything else,"
+was one of the pleas urged on my reluctance. My ignorance of all that
+marriage meant was as profound as though I had been a child of four, and
+my knowledge of the world was absolutely _nil_. My darling mother meant
+all that was happiest for me when she shielded me from all knowledge of
+sorrow and of sin, when she guarded me from the smallest idea of the
+marriage relation, keeping me ignorant as a baby till I left her home a
+wife. But looking back now on all, I deliberately say that no more fatal
+blunder can be made than to train a girl to womanhood in ignorance of all
+life's duties and burdens, and then to let her face them for the first
+time away from all the old associations, the old helps, the old refuge on
+the mother's breast. That "perfect innocence" maybe very beautiful, but
+it is a perilous possession, and Eve should have the knowledge of good
+and of evil ere she wanders forth from the paradise of a mother's love.
+When a word is never spoken to a girl that is not a caress; when
+necessary rebuke comes in tone of tenderest reproach; when "You have
+grieved me" has been the heaviest penalty for a youthful fault; when no
+anxiety has ever been allowed to trouble the young heart--then, when the
+hothouse flower is transplanted, and rough winds blow on it, it droops
+and fades.
+
+The spring and summer of 1867 passed over with little of incident, save
+one. We quitted Harrow, and the wrench was great. My brother had left
+school, and had gone to Cambridge; the master, who had lived with us for
+so long, had married and had gone to a house of his own; my mother
+thought that as she was growing older, the burden of management was
+becoming too heavy, and she desired to seek an easier life. She had saved
+money enough to pay for my brother's college career, and she determined
+to invest the rest of her savings in a house in St. Leonard's, where she
+might live for part of the year, letting the house during the season. She
+accordingly took and furnished a house in Warrior Square, and we moved
+thither, saying farewell to the dear Old Vicarage, and the friends loved
+for so many happy years.
+
+At the end of the summer, my mother and I went down to Manchester, to pay
+a long visit to the Roberts's; a very pleasant time we passed there, a
+large part of mine being spent on horseback, either leaping over a bar in
+the meadow, or scouring the country far and wide. A grave break, however,
+came in our mirth. The Fenian troubles were then at their height. On
+September 11th, Colonel Kelly and Captain Deasy, two Fenian leaders, were
+arrested in Manchester, and the Irish population was at once thrown into
+a terrible ferment. On the 18th, the police van containing them was
+returning from the Court to the County Gaol at Salford, and as it reached
+the railway arch which crosses the Hyde Road at Bellevue, a man sprang
+out, shot one of the horses, and thus stopped the van. In a moment it was
+surrounded by a small band, armed with revolvers and with crowbars, and
+the crowbars were wrenching at the locked door. A reinforcement of police
+was approaching, and there was no time to be lost. The rescuers called to
+Brett, a sergeant of police who was in charge inside the van, to pass the
+keys out, and, on his refusal, there was a cry: "Blow off the lock!". The
+muzzle of a revolver was placed against the lock, and the revolver was
+discharged. Unhappily, poor Brett had stooped down to try and see through
+the keyhole what was going on outside, and the bullet, fired to blow open
+the lock, entered his head, and he fell dying on the floor. The rescuers
+rushed in, and one Allen, a lad of seventeen, opened the doors of the
+compartments in which were Kelly and Deasy, and hurriedly pulled them
+out. Two or three of the band, gathering round them, carried them off
+across the fields to a place of safety, while the rest gallantly threw
+themselves between their rescued friends and the strong body of police
+which charged down after the fugitives. With their revolvers pointed,
+they kept back the police, until they saw that the two Fenian leaders
+were beyond all chance of capture, and then they scattered, flying in all
+directions. Young William Allen, whose one thought had been for his
+chiefs, was the earliest victim. As he fled, he raised his hand and fired
+his revolver straight in the air; he had been ready to use it in defence
+of others, he would not shed blood for himself. Disarmed by his own act,
+he was set upon by the police, brutally struck down, kicked and stoned by
+his pursuers, and then, bruised and bleeding, he was dragged off to gaol,
+to meet there some of his comrades in much the same plight. The whole
+city of Manchester went mad over the story, and the fiercest
+race-passions at once blazed out into flame; it became dangerous for an
+Irish workman to be alone in a group of Englishmen, for an Englishman to
+venture into the Irish quarter of the city. The friends of the arrested
+Irishmen went straight to "Lawyer Roberts", and begged his aid, and he
+threw himself heart and soul into their defence. He soon found that the
+man who had fired the fatal shot was safe out of the way, having left
+Manchester at once, and he trusted that it would at least be possible to
+save his clients from the death-penalty. A Special Commission was issued,
+with Mr. Justice Blackburn at its head. "They are going to send that
+hanging judge," groaned Mr. Roberts when he heard it, and we felt there
+was small chance of escape for the prisoners. He struggled hard to have
+the _venue_ of the trial changed, protesting that in the state of
+excitement in which Manchester was, there was no chance of obtaining an
+impartial jury. But the cry for blood and for revenge was ringing through
+the air, and of fairness and impartiality there was no chance. On the
+25th of October, the prisoners were actually brought up before the
+magistrates _in irons_, and Mr. Ernest Jones, the counsel briefed to
+defend them, after a vain protest against the monstrous outrage, threw
+down his brief and quitted the Court. The trial was hurried on, and on
+October 29th, Allen, Larkin, Gould (O'Brien), Maguire, and Condon, stood
+before their judges.
+
+We drove up to the court; the streets were barricaded; soldiers were
+under arms; every approach was crowded by surging throngs. At last, our
+carriage was stopped in the midst of excited Irishmen, and fists were
+shaken in the window, curses levelled at the "d----d English who were
+going to see the boys murdered". For a moment things were uncomfortable,
+for we were five women of helpless type. Then I bethought myself that we
+were unknown, and, like the saucy girl I was, I leant forward and touched
+the nearest fist. "Friends, these are Mr. Roberts' wife and daughters."
+"Roberts! Lawyer Roberts! God bless Roberts. Let his carriage through."
+And all the scowling faces became smile-wreathen, and cheers sounded out
+for curses, and a road was cleared for us to the steps.
+
+Very sad was that trial. On the first day Mr. Roberts got himself into
+trouble which threatened to be serious. He had briefed Mr. Digby Seymour,
+Q.C. as leader, with Mr. Ernest Jones, for the defence, and he did not
+think that the jurymen proposed were challenged as they should be. We
+knew that many whose names were called were men who had proclaimed their
+hostility to the Irish, and despite the wrath of Judge Blackburn, Mr.
+Roberts would jump up and challenge them. In vain he threatened to commit
+the sturdy solicitor. "These men's lives are at stake, my lord," he said
+indignantly. At last the officers of the court were sharply told: "Remove
+that man," but as they advanced reluctantly--for all poor men loved and
+honored him--Judge Blackburn changed his mind and let him remain. At last
+the jury was empanelled, containing one man who had loudly proclaimed
+that he "didn't care what the evidence was, he would hang every d----d
+Irishman of the lot". In fact, the verdict was a foregone conclusion. The
+most disreputable evidence was admitted; the suppositions of women of
+lowest character were accepted as conclusive; the _alibi_ for Maguire--
+clearly proved, and afterwards accepted by the Crown, a free pardon being
+issued on the strength of it--was rejected with dogged obstinacy; how
+premeditated was the result may be guessed from the fact that I saw--with
+what shuddering horror may be estimated--some official in the room behind
+the judges' chairs, quietly preparing the black caps before the verdict
+had been given. The verdict of "Guilty" was repeated in each of the five
+cases, and the prisoners were asked by the presiding judge if they had
+anything to say why sentence should not be passed on them. Allen spoke
+briefly and bravely; he had not fired a shot, but he had helped to free
+Kelly and Deasy; he was willing to die for Ireland. The others followed
+in turn, Maguire protesting his innocence, and Condon declaring also that
+he was not present (he also was reprieved). Then the sentence of death
+was passed, and "God save Ireland"! rang out in five clear voices in
+answer from the dock.
+
+We had a sad scene that night; the young girl to whom poor Allen was
+engaged was heartbroken at her lover's doom, and bitter were her cries to
+"save my William!". No protests, no pleas, however, availed to mitigate
+the doom, and on November 23rd, Allen, Larkin, and O'Brien were hanged
+outside Salford gaol. Had they striven for freedom in Italy, England
+would have honored them as heroes; here she buried them as common
+murderers in quicklime in the prison yard.
+
+I have found, with a keen sense of pleasure, that Mr. Bradlaugh and
+myself were in 1867 to some extent co-workers, although we knew not of
+each other's existence, and although he was doing much, and I only giving
+such poor sympathy as a young girl might, who was only just awakening to
+the duty of political work. I read in the _National Reformer_ for
+November 24, 1867, that in the preceding week, he was pleading on
+Clerkenwell Green for these men's lives:
+
+"According to the evidence at the trial, Deasy and Kelly were illegally
+arrested. They had been arrested for vagrancy of which no evidence was
+given, and apparently remanded for felony without a shadow of
+justification. He had yet to learn that in England the same state of
+things existed as in Ireland; he had yet to learn that an illegal arrest
+was sufficient ground to detain any of the citizens of any country in the
+prisons of this one. If he were illegally held, he was justified in using
+enough force to procure his release. Wearing a policeman's coat gave no
+authority when the officer exceeded his jurisdiction. He had argued this
+before Lord Chief Justice Erle in the Court of Common Pleas, and that
+learned judge did not venture to contradict the argument which he
+submitted. There was another reason why they should spare these men,
+although he hardly expected the Government to listen, because the
+Government sent down one of the judges who was predetermined to convict
+the prisoners; it was that the offence was purely a political one. The
+death of Brett was a sad mischance, but no one who read the evidence
+could regard the killing of Brett as an intentional murder. Legally, it
+was murder; morally, it was homicide in the rescue of a political
+captive. If it were a question of the rescue of the political captives of
+Varignano, or of political captives in Bourbon, in Naples, or in Poland,
+or in Paris, even earls might be found so to argue. Wherein is our sister
+Ireland less than these? In executing these men, they would throw down
+the gauntlet for terrible reprisals. It was a grave and solemn question.
+It had been said by a previous speaker that they were prepared to go to
+any lengths to save these Irishmen. They were not. He wished they were.
+If they were, if the men of England, from one end to the other, were
+prepared to say, "These men shall not be executed," they would not be. He
+was afraid they had not pluck enough for that. Their moral courage was
+not equal to their physical strength. Therefore he would not say that
+they were prepared to do so. They must plead _ad misericordiam_. He
+appealed to the press, which represented the power of England; to that
+press which in its panic-stricken moments had done much harm, and which
+ought now to save these four doomed men. If the press demanded it, no
+Government would be mad enough to resist. The memory of the blood which
+was shed in 1798 rose up like a bloody ghost against them to-day. He only
+feared that what they said upon the subject might do the poor men more
+harm than good. If it were not so, he would coin words that should speak
+in words of fire. As it was, he could only say to the Government: You are
+strong to-day; you hold these men's lives in your hands; but if you want
+to reconcile their country to you, if you want to win back Ireland, if
+you want to make her children love you--then do not embitter their hearts
+still more by taking the lives of these men. Temper your strength with
+mercy; do not use the sword of justice like one of vengeance; for the day
+may come when it shall be broken in your hands, and you yourselves
+brained by the hilt of the weapon you have so wickedly wielded."
+
+In October he had printed a plea for Ireland, strong and earnest,
+asking:--
+
+"Where is our boasted English freedom when you cross to Kingstown pier?
+Where has it been for near two years? The Habeas Corpus Act suspended,
+the gaols crowded, the steamers searched, spies listening at shebeen
+shops for sedition, and the end of it a Fenian panic in England. Oh,
+before it be too late, before more blood shall stain the pages of our
+present history, before we exasperate and arouse bitter animosities, let
+us try and do justice to our sister land. Abolish once and for all the
+land laws, which in their iniquitous operation have ruined her peasantry.
+Sweep away the leech-like Church which has sucked her vitality, and has
+given her back no word even of comfort in her degradation. Turn her
+barracks into flax mills, encourage a spirit of independence in her
+citizens, restore to her people the protection of the law, so that they
+may speak without fear of arrest, and beg them to plainly and boldly
+state their grievances. Let a commission of the best and wisest amongst
+Irishmen, with some of our highest English judges added, sit solemnly to
+hear all complaints, and then let us honestly legislate, not for the
+punishment of the discontented, but to remove the causes of the
+discontent. It is not the Fenians who have depopulated Ireland's strength
+and increased her misery. It is not the Fenians who have evicted tenants
+by the score. It is not the Fenians who have checked cultivation. Those
+who have caused the wrong at least should frame the remedy."
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+
+In December, 1867, I was married at St. Leonards, and after a brief trip
+to Paris and Southsea, we went to Cheltenham where Mr. Besant had
+obtained a mastership. We lived at first in lodgings, and as I was very
+much alone, my love for reading had full swing. Quietly to myself I
+fretted intensely for my mother, and for the daily sympathy and
+comradeship that had made my life so fair. In a strange town, among
+strangers, with a number of ladies visiting me who talked only of
+servants and babies--troubles of which I knew nothing--who were
+profoundly uninterested in everything that had formed my previous life,
+in theology, in politics, in questions of social reform, and who looked
+on me as "strange" because I cared more for the great struggles outside
+than for the discussions of a housemaid's young man, or the amount of
+"butter when dripping would have done perfectly well, my dear," used by
+the cook--under such circumstances it will not seem marvellous that I
+felt somewhat forlorn. I found refuge, however, in books, and
+energetically carried on my favorite studies; next, I thought I would try
+writing, and took up two very different lines of composition; I wrote
+some short stories of a very flimsy type, and also a work of a much more
+ambitious character, "The Lives of the Black Letter Saints". For the sake
+of the unecclesiastically trained it may be well to mention that in the
+Calendar of the Church of England there are a number of Saints' Days;
+some of these are printed in red, and are Red Letter Days, for which
+services are appointed by the Church; others are printed in black, and
+are Black Letter Days, and have no special services fixed for them. It
+seemed to me that it would be interesting to take each of these days and
+write a sketch of the life of the saint belonging to it, and accordingly
+I set to work to do so, and gathered various books of history and legend
+wherefrom to collect my "facts". I don't in the least know what became of
+that valuable book; I tried Macmillans with it, and it was sent on by
+them to someone who was preparing a series of church books for the young;
+later I had a letter from a Church brotherhood offering to publish it, if
+I would give it as an "act of piety" to their order; its ultimate fate is
+to me unknown.
+
+The short stories were more fortunate. I sent the first to the _Family
+Herald_, and some weeks afterwards received a letter from which dropped a
+cheque as I opened it. Dear me! I have earned a good deal of money since
+by my pen, but never any that gave me the intense delight of that first
+thirty shillings. It was the first money I had ever earned, and the pride
+of the earning was added to the pride of authorship. In my childish
+delight and practical religion, I went down on my knees and thanked God
+for sending it to me, and I saw myself earning heaps of golden guineas,
+and becoming quite a support of the household. Besides, it was "my very
+own", I thought, and a delightful sense of independence came over me. I
+had not then realised the beauty of the English law, and the dignified
+position in which it placed the married woman; I did not understand that
+all a married woman earned by law belonged to her owner, and that she
+could have nothing that belonged to her of right.[1] I did not want the
+money: I was only so glad to have something of my own to give, and it was
+rather a shock to learn that it was not really mine at all.
+
+[Footnote 1: This odious law has now been altered, and a married woman is
+a person, not a chattel.]
+
+From time to time after that, I earned a few pounds for stories in the
+same journal; and the _Family Herald,_ let me say, has one peculiarity
+which should render it beloved by poor authors; it pays its contributor
+when it accepts the paper, whether it prints it immediately or not; thus
+my first story was not printed for some weeks after I received the
+cheque, and it was the same with all others accepted by the same journal.
+Encouraged by these small successes, I began writing a novel! It took a
+long time to do, but was at last finished, and sent off to the _Family
+Herald._ The poor thing came back, but with a kind note, telling me that
+it was too political for their pages, but that if I would write one of
+"purely domestic interest", and up to the same level, it would probably
+be accepted. But by that time I was in the full struggle of theological
+doubt, and that novel of "purely domestic interest" never got itself
+written.
+
+I contributed further to the literature of my country a theological
+pamphlet, of which I forget the exact title, but it dealt with the duty
+of fasting incumbent on all faithful Christians, and was very patristic
+in its tone.
+
+In January, 1869, my little son was born, and as I was very ill for some
+months before,--and was far too much interested in the tiny creature
+afterwards, to devote myself to pen and paper, my literary career was
+checked for a while. The baby gave a new interest and a new pleasure to
+life, and as we could not afford a nurse I had plenty to do in looking
+after his small majesty. My energy in reading became less feverish when
+it was done by the side of the baby's cradle, and the little one's
+presence almost healed the abiding pain of my mother's loss.
+
+I may pass very quickly over the next two years. In August, 1870, a
+little sister was born to my son, and the recovery was slow and tedious,
+for my general health had been failing for some time. I was, among other
+things, fretting much about my mother, who was in sore trouble. A lawyer
+in whom she had had the most perfect confidence betrayed it; for years
+she had paid all her large accounts through him, and she had placed her
+money in his hands. Suddenly he was discovered by his partners to have
+been behaving unfairly; the crash came, and my mother found that all the
+money given by her for discharge of liabilities had vanished, while the
+accounts were unpaid, and that she was involved in debt to a very serious
+extent. The shock was a very terrible one to her, for she was too old to
+begin the world afresh. She sold off all she had, and used the money, as
+far as it would go, to pay the debts she believed to have been long ago
+discharged, and she was thus left penniless after thinking she had made a
+little competence for her old age. Lord Hatherley's influence obtained
+for my brother the post of undersecretary to the Society of Arts, and
+also some work from the Patent Office, and my mother went to live with
+him. But the dependence was intolerable to her, though she never let
+anyone but myself know she suffered, and even I, until her last illness,
+never knew how great her suffering had been. The feeling of debt weighed
+on her, and broke her heart; all day long while my brother was at his
+office, through the bitter winter weather, she would sit without a fire,
+lighting it only a little before his home-coming, so that she might save
+all the expense she could; often and often she would go out about
+half-past twelve, saying that she was going out to lunch, and would walk
+about till late in the afternoon, so as to avoid the lunch-hour at home.
+I have always felt that the winter of 1870-1 killed her, though she lived
+on for three years longer; it made her an old broken woman, and crushed
+her brave spirit. How often I have thought since: "If only I had not left
+her! I should have seen she was suffering, and should have saved her."
+One little chance help I gave her, on a brief visit to town. She was
+looking very ill, and I coaxed out of her that her back was always
+aching, and that she never had a moment free from pain. Luckily I had
+that morning received a letter containing £2 2s. from my liberal _Family
+Herald_ editor, and as, glancing round the room, I saw there were only
+ordinary chairs, I disregarded all questions as to the legal ownership of
+the money, and marched out without saying a word, and bought for £1 15s.
+a nice cushiony chair, just like one she used to have at Harrow, and had
+it sent home to her. For a moment she was distressed, but I told her I
+had earned the money, and so she was satisfied. "Oh, the rest!" she said
+softly once or twice during the evening. I have that chair still, and
+mean to keep it as long as I live.
+
+In the spring of 1871 both my children were taken ill with hooping-cough.
+The boy, Digby, vigorous and merry, fought his way through it with no
+danger, and with comparatively little suffering; Mabel, the baby, had
+been delicate since her birth; there had been some little difficulty in
+getting her to breathe after she was born, and a slight tendency
+afterwards to lung-delicacy. She was very young for so trying a disease
+as hooping-cough, and after a while bronchitis set in, and was followed
+by congestion of the lungs. For weeks she lay in hourly peril of death;
+we arranged a screen round the fire like a tent, and kept it full of
+steam to ease the panting breath, and there I sat all through those weary
+weeks with her on my lap, day and night. The doctor said that recovery
+was impossible, and that in one of the fits of coughing she must die; the
+most distressing thing was that at last the giving of a drop or two of
+milk brought on the terrible convulsive choking, and it seemed cruel to
+torture the apparently dying child. At length, one morning when the
+doctor was there, he said that she could not last through the day; I had
+sent for him hurriedly, for her body had swollen up rapidly, and I did
+not know what had happened; the pleura of one lung had become perforated,
+and the air escaping into the cavity of the chest had caused the
+swelling; while he was there, one of the fits of coughing came on, and it
+seemed as though it would be the last; the doctor took a small bottle of
+chloroform out of his pocket, and putting a drop on a handkerchief, held
+it near the child's face, till the drug soothed the convulsive struggle.
+"It can't do any harm at this stage," he said, "and it checks the
+suffering." He went away, saying that he would return in the afternoon,
+but he feared he would never see the child alive again. One of the
+kindest friends I had in my married life was that same doctor, Mr.
+Lauriston Winterbotham; he was as good as he was clever, and, like so
+many of his noble, profession, he had the merits of discretion and of
+silence.
+
+That chance thought of his about the chloroform, verily, I believe, saved
+the child's life. Whenever one of the convulsive fits was coming on I
+used it, and so not only prevented to a great extent the violence of the
+attacks, but also the profound exhaustion that followed them, when of
+breath at the top of the throat showing that she still lived. At last,
+though more than once we had thought her dead, a change took place for
+the better, and the child began slowly to mend. For years, however, that
+struggle for life left its traces on her, not only in serious
+lung-delicacy but also in a form of epileptic fits. In her play she would
+suddenly stop, and become fixed for about a minute, and then go on again
+as though nothing had occurred. On her mother a more permanent trace was
+left.
+
+Not unnaturally, when the child was out of danger, I collapsed from sheer
+exhaustion, and I lay in bed for a week. But an important change of mind
+dated from those silent weeks with a dying child on my knees. There had
+grown up in my mind a feeling of angry resentment against the God who had
+been for weeks, as I thought, torturing my helpless baby. For some months
+a stubborn antagonism to the Providence who ordained the sufferings of
+life had been steadily increasing in me, and this sullen challenge, "Is
+God good?" found voice in my heart during those silent nights and days.
+My mother's sufferings, and much personal unhappiness, had been,
+intensifying the feeling, and as I watched my baby in its agony, and felt
+so helpless to relieve, more than once the indignant cry broke from my
+lips: "How canst thou torture a baby so? What has she done that she
+should suffer so? Why dost thou not kill her at once, and let her be at
+peace?" More than once I cried aloud: "O God, take the child, but do not
+torment her." All my personal belief in God, all my intense faith in his
+constant direction of affairs, all my habit of continual prayer and of
+realisation of his presence, were against me now. To me he was not an
+abstract idea, but a living reality, and all my mother-heart rose up in
+rebellion against this person in whom I believed, and whose individual
+finger I saw in my baby's agony.
+
+At this time I met a clergyman--I do not give his name lest I should
+injure him--whose wider and more liberal views of Christianity exercised
+much influence over me during the months of struggle that followed. Mr.
+Besant had brought him to me while the child was at her worst, and I
+suppose something of the "Why is it?" had, unconsciously to me, shown
+itself to his keen eyes. On the day after his visit, I received from him
+the following letter, in which unbeliever as well as believer may
+recognise the deep human sympathy and noble nature of the writer:--
+
+"April 21st, 1871.
+
+"MY DEAR MRS. BESANT,--I am painfully conscious that I gave you but
+little help in your trouble yesterday. It is needless to say that it was
+not from want of sympathy. Perhaps it would be nearer the truth to say
+that it was from excess of sympathy. I shrink intensely from meddling
+with the sorrow of anyone whom I feel to be of a sensitive nature.
+
+'The heart hath its own bitterness, and the stranger meddleth not
+therewith.'
+
+It is to me a positively fearful thought that I might await a reflection
+as
+
+  'And common was the common place,
+  And vacant chaff well meant for grain'.
+
+Conventional consolations, conventional verses out of the Bible and
+conventional prayers are, it seems to me, an intolerable aggravation of
+suffering. And so I acted on a principle that I mentioned to your
+husband, that 'there is no power so great as that of one human faith
+looking upon another human faith'. The promises of God, the love of
+Christ for little children, and all that has been given to us of hope and
+comfort, are as deeply planted in your heart as in mine, and I did not
+care to quote them. But when I talk face to face with one who is in sore
+need of them, my faith in them suddenly becomes so vast and
+heart-stirring that I think I must help most by talking naturally, and
+letting the faith find its own way from soul to soul. Indeed I could not
+find words for it if I tried. And yet I am compelled, as a messenger of
+the glad tidings of God, to solemnly assure you that all is well. We have
+no key to the 'Mystery of Pain', excepting the Cross of Christ. But there
+is another and a deeper solution in the hands of our Father. And it will
+be ours when we can understand it. There is--in the place to which we
+travel--some blessed explanation of your baby's pain and your grief,
+which will fill with light the darkest heart. Now you must believe
+without having seen; that is true faith. You must
+
+  'Reach a hand through time to catch
+  The far-oft interest of tears'.
+
+That you may have strength so to do is part of your share in the prayers
+of yours very faithfully, W. D----."
+
+During the summer months I saw much of this clergyman, Mr. D---- and his
+wife. We grew into closer intimacy in consequence of the dangerous
+illness of their only child, a beautiful boy a few months old. I had
+gained quite a name in Cheltenham as a nurse--my praises having been sung
+by the doctor--and Mrs. D---- felt she could trust me even with her
+darling boy while she snatched a night's sorely needed rest. My
+questionings were not shirked by Mr. D----, nor discouraged; he was
+neither horrified nor sanctimoniously rebuking, but met them all with a
+wide comprehension inexpressibly soothing to one writhing in the first
+agony of real doubt. The thought of hell was torturing me; somehow out of
+the baby's pain through those seemingly endless hours had grown a dim
+realisation of what hell might be, full of the sufferings of the beloved,
+and my whole brain and heart revolted from the unutterable cruelty of a
+creating and destroying God. Mr. D---- lent me Maurice and Robertson, and
+strove to lead me into their wider hope for man, their more trustful
+faith in God.
+
+Everyone who has doubted after believing knows how, after the first
+admitted and recognised doubt, others rush in like a flood, and how
+doctrine after doctrine starts up in new and lurid light, looking so
+different in aspect from the fair faint outlines in which it had shone
+forth in the soft mists of faith. The presence of evil and pain in the
+world made by a "good God", and the pain falling on the innocent, as on
+my seven months' old babe; the pain here reaching on into eternity
+unhealed; these, while I yet believed, drove me desperate, and I believed
+and hated, instead of like the devils, "believed and trembled". Next, I
+challenged the righteousness of the doctrine of the Atonement, and while
+I worshipped and clung to the suffering Christ, I hated the God who
+required the death sacrifice at his hands. And so for months the turmoil
+went on, the struggle being all the more terrible for the very
+desperation with which I strove to cling to some planks of the wrecked
+ship of faith on the tossing sea of doubt.
+
+After Mr. D---- left Cheltenham, as he did in the early autumn of 1871,
+he still aided me in my mental struggles. He had advised me to read
+McLeod Campbell's work on the Atonement, as one that would meet many of
+the difficulties that lay on the surface of the orthodox view, and in
+answer to a letter dealing with this really remarkable work, he wrote
+(Nov. 22, 1871):
+
+"(1) The two passages on pp. 25 and 108 you doubtless interpret quite
+rightly. In your third reference to pp. 117, 188, you forget one great
+principle--that God is impassive; cannot suffer. Christ, quâ _God_, did
+not suffer, but as Son of _Man_ and in his _humanity_. Still, it may be
+correctly stated that He felt to sin and sinners 'as God eternally
+feels'--_i.e., abhorrence of sin and love of the sinner_. But to infer
+from that that the Father in his Godhead feels the sufferings which
+Christ experienced solely in humanity, and because incarnate, is, I
+think, wrong.
+
+"(2) I felt strongly inclined to blow you up for the last part of your
+letter. You assume, I think quite gratuitously, that God condemns the
+major part of his children to objectless future suffering. You say that
+if he does not, he places a book in their hands which threatens what he
+does not mean to inflict. But how utterly this seems to me opposed to the
+gospel of Christ. All Christ's reference to eternal punishment may be
+resolved into reference to the Valley of Hinnom, by way of imagery; with
+the exception of the Dives parable, where is distinctly inferred a moral
+amendment beyond the grave. I speak of the unselfish desire of Dives to
+save his brothers. The more I see of the controversy the more baseless
+does the eternal punishment theory appear. It seems, then, to me, that
+instead of feeling aggrieved and shaken, you ought to feel encouraged and
+thankful that God is so much better than you were taught to believe him.
+You will have discovered by this time, in Maurice's 'What is Revelation'
+(I suppose you have the 'Sequel' too?) that God's truth _is_ our truth,
+and his love is our love, only more perfect and full. There is no
+position more utterly defeated in modern philosophy and theology, than
+Dean Mansel's attempt to show that God's justice, love, etc., are
+different in kind from ours. Mill and Maurice, from totally alien points
+of view, have shown up the preposterous nature of the notion.
+
+"(3) A good deal of what you have thought is, I fancy, based on a strange
+forgetfulness of your former experience. If you have known Christ (whom
+to know is eternal life)--and that you have known him I am certain--can
+you really say that a few intellectual difficulties, nay, a few moral
+difficulties if you will, are able at once to obliterate the testimony of
+that higher state of being?
+
+"Why, the keynote of all my theology is that Christ is loveable because,
+and _just_ because, he is the perfection of all that I know to be noble
+and generous, and loving, and tender, and true. If an angel from heaven
+brought me a gospel which contained doctrines that would not stand the
+test of such perfect loveableness--doctrines hard, or cruel, or unjust--I
+should reject him and his trumpery gospel with scorn, knowing that
+neither could be Christ's.
+
+"Know Christ and judge religions by him; don't judge him by religions,
+and then complain because you find yourself looking at him through a
+blood-colored glass....
+
+"I am saturating myself with Maurice, who is the antidote given by God to
+this age against all dreary doubtings and temptings of the devil to
+despair."
+
+On these lines weary strife went on for months, until at last brain and
+health gave way completely, and for weeks I lay prostrate and helpless,
+in terrible ceaseless head-pain, unable to find relief in sleep. The
+doctor tried every form of relief in vain; he covered my head with ice,
+he gave me opium--which only drove me mad--he used every means his skill
+could dictate to remove the pain, but all failed. At last he gave up the
+attempt to cure physically, and tried mental diversion; he brought me up
+books on anatomy and persuaded me to study them; I have still an analysis
+made by me at that time of Luther Holden's "Human Osteology ". He was
+wise enough to see that if I were to be brought back to reasonable life,
+it could only be by diverting thought from the currents in which it had
+been running to a dangerous extent.
+
+No one who has not felt it knows the fearful agony caused by doubt to the
+earnestly religious mind. There is in this life no other pain so
+horrible. The doubt seems to shipwreck everything, to destroy the one
+steady gleam of happiness "on the other side" that no earthly storm could
+obscure; to make all life gloomy with a horror of despair, a darkness
+that may verily be felt. Fools talk of Atheism as the outcome of foul
+life and vicious thought. They, in their shallow heartlessness, their
+brainless stupidity, cannot even dimly imagine the anguish of the mere
+penumbra of the eclipse of faith, much less the horror of that great
+darkness in which the orphaned soul cries out into the infinite
+emptiness: "Is it a Devil who has made this world? Are we the sentient
+toys of an Almighty Power, who sports with our agony, and whose peals of
+awful mocking laughter echo the wailings of our despair?"
+
+
+
+VII.
+
+
+On recovering from that prostrating physical pain, I came to a very
+definite decision. I resolved that, whatever might be the result, I would
+take each dogma of the Christian religion, and carefully and thoroughly
+examine it, so that I should never again say "I believe" where I had not
+proved. So, patiently and steadily, I set to work. Four problems chiefly
+at this time pressed for solution. I. The eternity of punishment after
+death. II. The meaning of "goodness" and "love" as applied to a God who
+had made this world with all its evil and its misery. III. The nature of
+the atonement of Christ, and the "justice" of God in accepting a
+vicarious suffering from Christ, and a vicarious righteousness from the
+sinner. IV. The meaning of "inspiration" as applied to the Bible, and the
+reconciliation of the perfection of the author with the blunders and the
+immoralities of the work.
+
+Maurice's writings now came in for very careful study, and I read also
+those of Robertson, of Brighton, and of Stopford Brooke, striving to find
+in these some solid ground whereon I might build up a new edifice of
+faith. That ground, however, I failed to find; there were poetry, beauty,
+enthusiasm, devotion; but there was no rock on which I might take my
+stand. Mansel's Bampton lectures on "The Limits of Religious Thought"
+deepened and intensified my doubts. His arguments seemed to make
+certainty impossible, and I could not suddenly turn round and believe to
+order, as he seemed to recommend, because proof was beyond reach. I could
+not, and would not, adore in God as the highest Righteousness that which,
+in man was condemned as harsh, as cruel, and as unjust.
+
+In the midst of this long mental struggle, a change occurred in the
+outward circumstances of my life. I wrote to Lord Hatherley and asked him
+if he could give Mr. Besant a Crown living, and he offered us first one
+in Northumberland, near Alnwick Castle, and then one in Lincolnshire, the
+village of Sibsey, with a vicarage house, and an income of £410 per
+annum. We decided to accept the latter.
+
+The village was scattered over a considerable amount of ground, but the
+work was not heavy. The church was one of the fine edifices for which the
+fen country is so famous, and the vicarage was a comfortable house, with
+large and very beautiful gardens and paddock, and with outlying fields.
+The people were farmers and laborers, with a sprinkling of shopkeepers;
+the only "society" was that of the neighboring clergy, Tory and prim to
+an appalling extent. There was here plenty of time for study, and of that
+time I vigorously availed myself. But no satisfactory light came to me,
+and the suggestions and arguments of my friend Mr. D---- failed to bring
+conviction to my mind. It appeared clear to me that the doctrine of
+Eternal Punishment was taught in the Bible, and the explanations given of
+the word "eternal" by men like Maurice and Stanley, did not recommend
+themselves to me as anything more than skilful special pleading--
+evasions, not clearings up, of a moral difficulty. For the problem was:
+Given a good God, how can he have created mankind, knowing beforehand
+that the vast majority of those whom he had created were to be tortured
+for evermore? Given a just God, how can he punish people for being
+sinful, when they have inherited a sinful nature without their own choice
+and of necessity? Given a righteous God, how can he allow sin to exist
+for ever, so that evil shall be as eternal as good, and Satan shall reign
+in hell, as long as Christ in Heaven? The answer of the Broad church
+school was, that the word "eternal" applied only to God and to life which
+was one with his; that "everlasting" only meant "lasting for an age", and
+that while the punishment of the wicked might endure for ages it was
+purifying, not destroying, and at last all should be saved, and "God
+should be all in all". These explanations had (for a time) satisfied Mr.
+D----, and I find him writing to me in answer to a letter of mine dated
+March 25th, 1872:
+
+"On the subject of Eternal punishment I have now not the remotest doubt.
+It is impossible to handle the subject exhaustively in a letter, with a
+sermon to finish before night. But you _must_ get hold of a few valuable
+books that would solve all kinds of difficulties for you. For most points
+read Stopford Brooke's Sermons--they are simply magnificent, and are
+called (1) Christian modern life, (2) Freedom in the Church of England,
+(3) and (least helpful) 'Sermons'. Then again there is an appendix to
+Llewellyn Davies' 'Manifestation of the Son of God', which treats of
+forgiveness in a future state as related to Christ and Bible. As to that
+special passage about the Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost (to which you
+refer), I will write you my notions on it in a future letter."
+
+A little later, according, he wrote:
+
+"With regard to your passage of difficulty about the unpardonable sin, I
+would say: (1) If that sin is not to be forgiven in the world to come, it
+is implied that all other sins _are forgiven in the world to come_. (2)
+You must remember that our Lord's parables and teachings mainly concerned
+contemporary events and people. I mean, for instance, that in his great
+prophecy of _judgment_ he simply was speaking of the destruction of the
+Jewish polity and nation. The _principles_ involved apply through all
+time, but He did not apply them except to the Jewish nation. He was
+speaking then, not of 'the end of the _world_, (as is wrongly
+translated), but of 'the end of the _age_'. (Every age is wound up with a
+judgment. French Revolutions, Reformations, etc., are all ends of ages
+and judgments.) [Greek aion] does not, cannot, will not, and never did
+mean _world_, but _age_. Well, then, he has been speaking of the Jewish
+people. And he says that all words spoken against the Son of Man will be
+forgiven. But there is a blasphemy against the Holy Spirit of God--there
+is a confusion of good with evil, of light with darkness--which goes
+deeper down than this. When a nation has lost the faculty of
+distinguishing love from hatred, the spirit of falsehood and hypocrisy
+from the spirit of truth, God from the Devil--_then its doom is
+pronounced_--the decree is gone forth against it. As the doom of Judaism,
+guilty of this sin, _was then_ pronounced. As the _decree against it had
+already gone forth. It is a national warning, not an individual one. It
+applies to two ages of this world, and not to two worlds_. All its
+teaching was primarily _national_, and is only thus to be rightly read--
+if not all, rather _most of it_. If you would be sure of this and
+understand it, see the parables, etc., explained in Maurice's 'Gospel of
+the Kingdom of Heaven' (a commentary on S. Luke). I can only indicate
+briefly in a letter the line to be taken on this question.
+
+"With regard to the [Greek: elui, elui, lama sabbachthani]. I don't
+believe that the Father even momentarily hid his face from Him. The life
+of sonship was unbroken. Remark: (1) It is a quotation from a Psalm. (2)
+It rises naturally to a suffering man's lips as expressive of agony,
+though not exactly framed for _his_ individual _agony_. (3) The spirit of
+the Psalm is one of trust, and hope, and full faith, notwithstanding the
+1st verse. (4) Our Lord's agony was very extreme, not merely of body but
+of _soul_. He spoke out of the desolation of one forsaken, not by his
+divine Father but by his human brothers. I have heard sick and dying men
+use the words of beloved Psalms in just such a manner.
+
+"The impassibility of God (1) With regard to the Incarnation, this
+presents no difficulty. Christ suffered simply and entirely as man, was
+too truly a man not to do so. (2) With regard to the Father, the key of
+it is here. 'God _is_ love.' He does not need suffering to train into
+sympathy, because his nature is sympathy. He can afford to dispense with
+hysterics, because he sees ahead that his plan is working to the perfect
+result. I am not quite sure whether I have hit upon your difficulty here,
+as I have destroyed your last letter but one. But the 'Gospel of the
+Kingdom' is a wonderful 'eye-opener'."
+
+Worst of all the puzzles, perhaps, was that of the existence of evil and
+of misery, and the racking doubt whether God _could_ be good, and yet
+look on the evil and the misery of the world unmoved and untouched. It
+seemed so impossible to believe that a Creator could be either cruel
+enough to be indifferent to the misery, or weak enough to be unable to
+stop it: the old dilemma faced me unceasingly. "If he can prevent it, and
+does not, he is not good; if he wishes to prevent it, and cannot, he is
+not almighty;" and out of this I could find no way of escape. Not yet had
+any doubt of the existence of God crossed my mind.
+
+In August, 1872 Mr. D---- tried to meet this difficulty. He wrote:
+
+"With regard to the impassibility of God, I think there is a stone wrong
+among your foundations which causes your difficulty. Another wrong stone
+is, I think, your view of the nature of the _sin_ and _error_ which is
+supposed to grieve God. I take it that sin is an absolutely necessary
+factor in the production of the perfect man. It was foreseen and allowed
+as a means to an end--as in fact an _education_.
+
+"The view of all the sin and misery in the world cannot grieve God, any
+more than it can grieve you to see Digby fail in his first attempt to
+build a card-castle or a rabbit-hutch. All is part of the training. God
+looks at the ideal man to which all tends. The popular idea of the fall
+is to me a very absurd one. There was never an ideal state in the past,
+but there will be in the future. The Genesis allegory simply typifies the
+first awakening of consciousness of good and evil--of two _wills_ in a
+mind hitherto only animal-psychic.
+
+"Well then--there being no occasion for grief in watching the progress of
+his own perfect and unfailing plans--your difficulty in God's
+impassibility vanishes. Christ, _quâ_ God, was, of course, impassible
+too. It seems to me that your position implies that God's 'designs' have
+partially (at least) failed, and hence the grief of perfect benevolence.
+Now I stoutly deny that any jot or tittle of God's plans can fail. I
+believe in the ordering of all for the best. I think that the pain
+consequent on broken law is only an inevitable necessity, over which we
+shall some day rejoice.
+
+"The indifference shown to God's love cannot pain Him. Why? because it is
+simply a sign of defectiveness in the creature which the ages will
+rectify. The being who is indifferent is not yet educated up to the point
+of love. But he _will be_. The pure and holy suffering of Christ was
+(pardon me) _wholly_ the consequence of his human nature. True it was
+because of the _perfection_ of his humanity. But his Divinity had nothing
+to do with it. It was his _human heart_ that broke. It was because he
+entered a world of broken laws and of incomplete education that he became
+involved in suffering with the rest of his race.....
+
+"No, Mrs. Besant; I never feel at all inclined to give up the search, or
+to suppose that the other side may be right. I claim no merit for it, but
+I have an invincible faith in the morality of God and the moral order of
+the world. I have no more doubt about the falsehood of the popular
+theology than I have about the unreality of six robbers who attacked me
+three nights ago in a horrid dream. I exult and rejoice in the grandeur
+and freedom of the little bit of truth it has been given me to see. I am
+told that 'Present-day Papers', by Bishop Ewing (edited) are a wonderful
+help, many of them, to puzzled people: I mean to get them. But I am sure
+you will find that the truth will (even so little as we may be able to
+find out) grow on you, make you free, light your path, and dispel, at no
+distant time, your _painful_ difficulties and doubts. I should say on no
+account give up your reading. I think with you that you could not do
+without it. It will be a wonderful source of help and peace to you. For
+there are struggles far more fearful than those of intellectual doubt. I
+am keenly alive to the gathered-up sadness of which your last two pages
+are an expression. I was sorrier than I can say to read them. They
+reminded me of a long and very dark time in my own life, when I thought
+the light never would come. Thank God it came, or I think I could not
+have held out much longer. But you have evidently strength to bear it
+now. The more dangerous time, I should fancy, has passed. You will have
+to mind that the fermentation leaves clear spiritual wine, and not (as
+too often) vinegar.
+
+"I wish I could write something more helpful to you in this great matter.
+But as I sit in front of my large bay window, and see the shadows on the
+grass and the sunlight on the leaves, and the soft glimmer of the
+rosebuds left by the storms, I cannot but believe that all will be very
+well. 'Trust in the Lord; wait patiently for him'--they are trite words.
+But he made the grass, the leaves, the rosebuds, and the sunshine, and he
+is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. And now the trite words have
+swelled into a mighty argument."
+
+Despite reading and argument, my scepticism grew only deeper and deeper.
+The study of W.R. Greg's "Creed of Christendom", of Matthew Arnold's
+"Literature and Dogma", helped to widen the mental horizon, while making
+a return to the old faith more and more impossible. The church services
+were a weekly torture, but feeling as I did that I was only a doubter, I
+spoke to none of my doubts. It was possible, I felt, that all my
+difficulties might be cleared up, and I had no right to shake the faith
+of others while in uncertainty myself. Others had doubted and had
+afterwards believed; for the doubter silence was a duty; the blinded had
+better keep their misery to themselves. I found some practical relief in
+parish work of a non-doctrinal kind, in nursing the sick, in trying to
+brighten a little the lot of the poor of the village. But here, again, I
+was out of sympathy with most of those around me. The movement among the
+agricultural laborers, due to the energy and devotion of Joseph Arch, was
+beginning to be talked of in the fens, and bitter were the comments of
+the farmers on it, while I sympathised with the other side. One typical
+case, which happened some months later, may stand as example of all.
+There was a young man, married, with two young children, who was wicked
+enough to go into a neighboring county to a "Union Meeting", and who was,
+further, wicked enough to talk about it when he returned. He became a
+marked man; no farmer would employ him. He tramped about vainly, looking
+for work, grew reckless, and took to drink. Visiting his cottage one day
+I found his wife ill, a dead child in the bed, a sick child in her arms;
+yes, she "was pining; there was no work to be had". "Why did she leave
+the dead child on the bed? because there was no other place to put it."
+The cottage consisted of one room and a "lean-to", and husband and wife,
+the child dead of fever and the younger child sickening with it, were all
+obliged to lie on the one bed. In another cottage I found four
+generations sleeping in one room, the great-grandfather and his wife, the
+grandmother (unmarried), the mother (unmarried), and the little child,
+while three men-lodgers completed the tale of eight human beings crowded
+into that narrow, ill-ventilated garret. Other cottages were hovels,
+through the broken roofs of which poured the rain, and wherein rheumatism
+and ague lived with the dwellers. How could I do aught but sympathise
+with any combination that aimed at the raising of these poor? But to
+sympathise with Joseph Arch was a crime in the eyes of the farmers, who
+knew that his agitation meant an increased drain on their pockets. For it
+never struck them that, if they paid less in rent to the absent landlord,
+they might pay more in wage to the laborers who helped to make their
+wealth, and they had only civil words for the burden that crushed them,
+and harsh ones for the builders-up of their ricks and the mowers of their
+harvests. They made common cause with their enemy, instead of with their
+friend, and instead of leaguing themselves with the laborers, as forming
+together the true agricultural interest, they leagued themselves with the
+landlords against the laborers, and so made fratricidal strife instead of
+easy victory over the common foe.
+
+In the summer and autumn of 1872, I was a good deal in London with my
+mother.--My health had much broken down, and after a severe attack of
+congestion of the lungs, my recovery was very slow. One Sunday in London,
+I wandered into St. George's Hall, in which Mr. Charles Voysey was
+preaching, and there I bought some of his sermons. To my delight I found
+that someone else had passed through the same difficulties as I about
+hell and the Bible and the atonement and the character of God, and had
+given up all these old dogmas, while still clinging to belief in God. I
+went to St. George's Hall again on the following Sunday, and in the
+little ante-room, after the service, I found myself in a stream of
+people, who were passing by Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, some evidently known to
+him, some strangers, many of the latter thanking him for his morning's
+work. As I passed in my turn I said: "I must thank you for very great
+help in what you have said this morning", for indeed the possibility
+opened of a God who was really "loving unto every man", and in whose care
+each was safe for ever, had come like a gleam of light across the stormy
+sea of doubt and distress on which I had been tossing for nearly twelve
+months. On the following Sunday, I saw them again, and was cordially
+invited down to their Dulwich home, where they gave welcome to all in
+doubt. I soon found that the Theism they professed was free from the
+defects which revolted me in Christianity. It left me God as a Supreme
+Goodness, while rejecting all the barbarous dogmas of the Christian
+faith. I now read Theodore Parker's "Discourse on Religion", Francis
+Newman's "Hebrew Monarchy", and other works, many of the essays of Miss
+Frances Power Cobbe and of other Theistic writers, and I no longer
+believed in the old dogmas and hated while I believed; I no longer
+doubted whether they were true or not; I shook them off, once for all,
+with all their pain, and horror, and darkness, and felt, with relief and
+joy inexpressible, that they were all but the dreams of ignorant and
+semi-savage minds, not the revelation of a God. The last remnant of
+Christianity followed swiftly these cast-off creeds, though, in parting
+with this, one last pang was felt. It was the doctrine of the Deity of
+Christ. The whole teaching of the Broad Church School tends, of course,
+to emphasise the humanity at the expense of the Deity of Christ, and when
+the eternal punishment and the substitutionary atonement had vanished,
+there seemed to be no sufficient reason left for so stupendous a miracle
+as the incarnation of the Deity. I saw that the idea of incarnation was
+common to all Eastern creeds, not peculiar to Christianity; the doctrine
+of the unity of God repelled the doctrine of the incarnation of a portion
+of the Godhead. But the doctrine was dear from association; there was
+something at once soothing and ennobling in the idea of a union between
+Man and God, between a perfect man and divine supremacy, between a human
+heart and an almighty strength. Jesus as God was interwoven with all art,
+with all beauty in religion; to break with the Deity of Jesus was to
+break with music, with painting, with literature; the Divine Child in his
+mother's arms, the Divine Man in his Passion and in his triumph, the
+human friend encircled with the majesty of the Godhead--did inexorable
+Truth demand that this ideal figure, with all its pathos, its beauty, its
+human love, should pass into the Pantheon of the dead Gods of the Past?
+
+
+
+VIII.
+
+
+The struggle was a sharp one ere I could decide that intellectual honesty
+demanded that the question of the Deity of Christ should be analysed as
+strictly as all else, and that the conclusions come to from an impartial
+study of facts should be faced as steadily as though they dealt with some
+unimportant question. I was bound to recognise, however, that more than
+intellectual honesty would be here required, for if the result of the
+study were--as I dimly felt it would be--to establish disbelief in the
+supernatural claims of Christ, I could not but feel that such disbelief
+would necessarily entail most unpleasant external results. I might give
+up belief in all save this, and yet remain a member of the Church of
+England: views on Inspiration, on Eternal Torture, on the Vicarious
+Atonement, however heterodox, might be held within the pale of the
+Church; many broad church clergymen rejected these as decidedly as I did
+myself, and yet remained members of the Establishment; the judgment on
+"Essays and Reviews" gave this wide liberty to heresy within the Church,
+and a laywoman might well claim the freedom of thought legally bestowed
+on divines. The name "Christian" might well be worn while Christ was
+worshipped as God, and obeyed as the "Revealer of the Father's will",
+the "well-beloved Son", the "Savior and Lord of men". But once challenge
+that unique position, once throw off that supreme sovereignty, and then
+it seemed to me that the name "Christian" became a hypocrisy, and its
+renouncement a duty incumbent on an upright mind. But I was a clergyman's
+wife; my position made my participation in the Holy Communion a
+necessity, and my withdrawal therefrom would be an act marked and
+commented upon by all. Yet if I lost my faith in Christ, how could I
+honestly approach "the Lord's Table", where Christ was the central figure
+and the recipient of the homage paid there by every worshipper to "God
+made man"? Hitherto mental pain alone had been the price demanded
+inexorably from the searcher after truth; now to the inner would be added
+the outer warfare, and how could I tell how far this might carry me?
+
+One night only I spent in this struggle over the question: "Shall I
+examine the claims to Deity of Jesus of Nazareth?". When morning broke
+the answer was clearly formulated: "Truth is greater than peace or
+position. If Jesus be God, challenge will not shake his Deity; if he be
+Man, it is blasphemy to worship him." I re-read Liddon's "Bampton
+Lectures" on this controversy and Renan's "Vie de Jesus". I studied the
+Gospels, and tried to represent to myself the life there outlined; I
+tested the conduct there given as I should have tested the conduct of any
+ordinary historical character; I noted that in the Synoptics no claim to
+Deity was made by Jesus himself, nor suggested by his disciples; I
+weighed his own answer to an enquirer, with its plain disavowal of
+Godhood: "Why callest thou me good? There is none good save one, that is
+God" (Matt, xix., 17); I conned over his prayers to "my Father", his rest
+on divine protection, his trust in a power greater than his own; I noted
+his repudiation of divine knowledge: "Of that day and that hour knoweth
+no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, _neither the Son_, but
+the Father" (Mark xiii., 32); I studied the meaning of his prayer of
+anguished submission: "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass
+from me! nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt" (Matt, xxvi.,
+39); I dwelt on his bitter cry in his dying agony: "My God, my God, why
+hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt, xxvii., 46); I asked the meaning of the
+final words of rest: "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" (Luke
+xxiii., 46). And I saw that, if there were any truth in the Gospels at
+all, they told the story of a struggling, suffering, sinning, praying
+man, and not of a God at all and the dogma of the Deity of Christ
+followed the rest of the Christian doctrines into the limbo of past
+beliefs.
+
+Yet one other effort I made to save myself from the difficulties I
+foresaw in connexion with this final breach with Christianity. There was
+one man who had in former days wielded over me a great influence, one
+whose writings had guided and taught me for many years--Dr. Pusey, the
+venerable leader of the Catholic party in the Church, the learned
+Patristic scholar, full of the wisdom of antiquity. He believed in Christ
+as God; what if I put my difficulties to him? If he resolved them for me
+I should escape the struggle I foresaw; if he could not resolve them,
+then no answer to them was to be hoped for. My decision was quickly made;
+being with my mother, I could write to him unnoticed, and I sat down and
+put my questions clearly and fully, stating my difficulties and asking
+him whether, out of his wider knowledge and deeper reading, he could
+resolve them for me. I wish I could here print his answer, together with
+two or three other letters I received from him, but the packet was
+unfortunately stolen from my desk and I have never recovered it. Dr.
+Pusey advised me to read Liddon's "Bampton Lectures", referred me to
+various passages, chiefly from the Fourth Gospel, if I remember rightly,
+and invited me to go down to Oxford and talk over my difficulties.
+Liddon's "Bampton Lectures" I had thoroughly studied, and the Fourth
+Gospel had no weight with me, the arguments in favor of its Alexandrian
+origin being familiar to me, but I determined to accept his invitation to
+a personal interview, regarding it as the last chance of remaining in the
+Church.
+
+To Oxford, accordingly, I took the train, and made my way to the famous
+Doctor's rooms. I was shown in, and saw a short, stout gentleman, dressed
+in a cassock, and looking like a comfortable monk; but the keen eyes,
+steadfastly gazing straight into mine, told me of the power and subtlety
+hidden by the unprepossessing form. The head was fine and impressive, the
+voice low, penetrating, drilled into a somewhat monotonous and
+artificially subdued tone. I quickly found that no sort of enlightenment
+could possibly result from our interview. He treated me as a penitent
+going to confession, seeking the advice of a director, not as an enquirer
+struggling after truth, and resolute to obtain some firm standing-ground
+in the sea of doubt, whether on the shores of orthodoxy or of heresy. He
+would not deal with the question of the Deity of Jesus as a question for
+argument; he reminded me: "You are speaking of your judge," when I
+pressed some question. The mere suggestion of an imperfection in Jesus'
+character made him shudder in positive pain, and he checked me with
+raised hand, and the rebuke: "You are blaspheming; the very thought is a
+terrible sin". I asked him if he could recommend to me any books which
+would throw light on the subject: "No, no, you have read too much
+already. You must pray; you must pray." Then, as I said that I could not
+believe without proof, I was told: "Blessed are they that have not seen,
+and yet have believed," and my further questioning was checked by the
+murmur: "O my child, how undisciplined! how impatient!". Truly, he must
+have found in me--hot, eager, passionate in my determination to know,
+resolute not to profess belief while belief was absent--but very little
+of that meek, chastened, submissive spirit to which he was accustomed in
+the penitents wont to seek his counsel as their spiritual guide. In vain
+did he bid me pray as though I believed; in vain did he urge the duty of
+blind submission to the authority of the Church, of yielding, unreasoning
+faith, which received but questioned not. He had no conception of the
+feelings of the sceptical spirit; his own faith was solid as a rock--
+firm, satisfied, unshakeable; he would as soon have committed suicide as
+have doubted of the infallibility of the "Universal Church".
+
+"It is not your duty to ascertain the truth," he told me sternly. "It is
+your duty to accept and to believe the truth as laid down by the Church;
+at your peril you reject it; the responsibility is not yours so long as
+you dutifully accept that which the Church has laid down for your
+acceptance. Did not the Lord promise that the presence of the Spirit
+should be ever with his Church, to guide her into all truth?"
+
+"But the fact of the promise and its value are the very points on which I
+am doubtful," I answered.
+
+He shuddered. "Pray, pray," he said. "Father, forgive her, for she knows
+not what she says."
+
+It was in vain I urged that I had everything to gain and nothing to lose
+by following his directions, but that it seemed to me that fidelity to
+truth forbade a pretended acceptance of that which was not believed.
+
+"Everything to lose? Yes, indeed. You will be lost for time and lost for
+eternity."
+
+"Lost or not," I rejoined, "I must and will try to find out what is true,
+and I will not believe till I am sure."
+
+"You have no right to make terms with God," he answered, "as to what you
+will believe and what you will not believe. You are full of intellectual
+pride."
+
+I sighed hopelessly. Little feeling of pride was there in me just then,
+and I felt that in this rigid unyielding dogmatism there was no
+comprehension of my difficulties, no help for me in my strugglings. I
+rose and, thanking him for his courtesy, said that I would not waste his
+time further, that I must go home and just face the difficulties out,
+openly leaving the Church and taking the consequences. Then for the first
+time his serenity was ruffled.
+
+"I forbid you to speak of your disbelief," he cried. "I forbid you to
+lead into your own lost state the souls for whom Christ died."
+
+Slowly and sadly I took my way back to the station, knowing that my last
+chance of escape had failed me. I recognised in this famous divine the
+spirit of the priest, which could be tender and pitiful to the sinner,
+repentant, humble, submissive, craving only for pardon and for guidance,
+but which was iron to the doubter, to the heretic, and would crush out
+all questionings of "revealed truth", silencing by force, not by
+argument, all challenge of the traditions of the Church. Out of such men
+were made the Inquisitors of the Middle Ages, perfectly conscientious,
+perfectly rigid, perfectly merciless to the heretic. To them heretics
+were and are centres of infectious disease, and charity to them "the
+worst cruelty to the souls of men". Certain that they hold "by no merit
+of our own, but by the mercy of our God the one truth which he hath
+revealed", they can permit no questionings, they can accept nought but
+the most complete submission. But while man aspires after truth, while
+his brain yearns after knowledge, while his intellect soars upward into
+the heaven of speculation and "beats the air with tireless wing", so long
+shall those who demand faith be met by challenge for proof, and those who
+would blind him shall be defeated by his determination to gaze
+unblenching on the face of Truth, even though her eyes should turn him
+into stone.
+
+During this same visit to London I saw Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Scott for the
+first time. I had gone down to Dulwich to see Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, and
+after dinner we went over to Upper Norwood, and I was introduced to one
+of the most remarkable men I have ever met. At that time Mr. Scott was an
+old man, with beautiful white hair, and eyes like those of a hawk
+gleaming from under shaggy eyebrows; he had been a man of magnificent
+physique, and though his frame was then enfeebled, the splendid lion-like
+head kept its impressive strength and beauty, and told of a unique
+personality. Of Scotch descent and wellborn, Thomas Scott had, as a boy,
+been a page at the French Court; his manhood was spent in many lands, for
+he "was a mighty hunter", though not "before the Lord". He had lived for
+months among the North American Indians, sharing the hardships of their
+wild life; he had hunted and fished all over the world. At last, he came
+home, married, and ultimately settled down at Ramsgate, where he made his
+home a centre of heretical thought. He issued an enormous number of
+tracts and pamphlets, and each month he sent out a small packet to
+hundreds of subscribers and friends. This monthly issue of heretical
+literature soon made itself a power in the world of thought; the tracts
+were of various shades of opinion, but were all heretical: some moderate,
+some extreme; all were well-written, cultured and polished in tone--this
+was a rule to which Mr. Scott made no exceptions; his writers might say
+what they liked, but they must have something real to say, and they must
+say that something in good English. The little white packets found their
+way into many a quiet country parsonage, into many a fashionable home.
+His correspondence was world-wide and came from all classes--now a letter
+from a Prime Minister, now one from a blacksmith. All were equally
+welcome, and all were answered with equal courtesy. At his house met
+people of the most varying opinions. Colenso, Bishop of Natal, Edward
+Maitland, E. Vansittart Neale, Charles Bray, Sara Hennell, W.J. Birch, R.
+Suffield, and hundreds more, clerics and laymen, scholars and thinkers,
+all gathered in this one home, to which the right of _entrée_ was gained
+only by love of Truth and desire to spread Freedom among men.
+
+Mr. Scott devoted his fortune to this great work. He would never let
+publishers have his pamphlets in the ordinary way of trade, but issued
+them all himself and distributed them gratuitously. If anyone desired to
+subscribe, well and good, they might help in the work, but make it a
+matter of business he would not. If anyone sent money for some tracts, he
+would send out double the worth of the money enclosed, and thus for years
+he carried on this splendid propagandist work. In all he was nobly
+seconded by his wife, his "right hand" as he well named her, a sweet,
+strong, gentle, noble woman, worthy of her husband, and than that no
+higher praise can be spoken. Of both I shall have more to say hereafter,
+but at present we are at the time of my first visit to them at Upper
+Norwood, whither they had removed from Ramsgate.
+
+Kindly greeting was given by both, and on Mr. Voysey suggesting that
+judging by one essay of mine that he had seen--an essay which was later
+expanded into the one on "Inspiration", in the Scott series--my pen would
+be useful for propagandist work, Mr. Scott bade me try what I could do,
+and send him for criticism anything I thought good enough for
+publication; he did not, of course, promise to accept an essay, but he
+promised to read it. A question arose as to the name to be attached to
+the essay, in case of publication, and I told him that my name was not my
+own to use, and that I did not suppose that Mr. Besant could possibly, in
+his position, give me permission to attach it to a heretical essay; we
+agreed that any essays I might write should for the present be published
+anonymously, and that I should try my hand to begin with on the subject
+of the "Deity of Jesus of Nazareth". And so I parted from those who were
+to be such good friends to me in the coming time of struggle.
+
+
+
+IX.
+
+
+My resolve was now made, and henceforth there was at least no more doubt
+so far as my position towards the Church was concerned. I made up my mind
+to leave it, but was willing to make the leaving as little obtrusive as
+possible. On my return to Sibsey I stated clearly the ground on which I
+stood. I was ready to attend the Church services, joining in such parts
+as were addressed to "the Supreme Being", for I was still heartily
+Theistic; "the Father", shorn of all the horrible accessories hung round
+him by Christianity, was still to me an object of adoration, and I could
+still believe in and worship One who was "righteous in all His ways, and
+holy in all His works", although the Moloch to whom was sacrificed the
+well-beloved son had passed away for ever from my creed. Christian I was
+not, though Theist I was, and I felt that the wider and more generous
+faith would permit me to bow to the common God with my Christian
+brethren, if only I was not compelled to pay homage to that "Son of Man"
+whom Christians believed divine, homage which to me had become idolatry,
+insulting to the "One God", to him of whom Jesus himself had spoken as of
+"my God and your God".
+
+Simply enough was the difficulty arranged for the moment. It was agreed
+that I should withdraw myself from the "Holy Communion"--for in that
+service, full of the recognition of Jesus as Deity, I could not join
+without hypocrisy. The ordinary services I would attend, merely remaining
+silent during those portions of them in which I could not honestly take
+part, and while I knew that these changes in a clergyman's wife could not
+pass unnoticed in a country village, I yet felt that nothing less than
+this was consistent with barest duty. While I had merely doubted, I had
+kept silence, and no act of mine had suggested doubt to others. Now that
+I had no doubt that Christianity was a delusion, I would no longer act as
+though I believed that to be of God which heart and intellect rejected as
+untrue.
+
+For awhile all went smoothly. I daresay the parishioners gossipped about
+the absence of their vicar's wife from the Sacrament, and indeed I
+remember the pain and trembling wherewith, on the first "Sacrament
+Sunday" after my return, I rose from my seat and walked quietly from the
+church, leaving the white-spread altar. That the vicar's wife should
+"communicate" was as much a matter of course as that the vicar should
+"administer"; I had never in my life taken public part in anything that
+made me noticeable in any way among strangers, and still I can recall the
+feeling of deadly sickness that well nigh overcame me, as rising to go
+out I felt that every eye in the church was on me, and that my exit would
+be the cause of unending comment. As a matter of fact, everyone thought
+that I was taken suddenly ill, and many were the calls and enquiries on
+the following day. To any direct question, I answered quietly that I was
+unable to take part in the profession of faith required from an honest
+communicant, but the statement was rarely necessary, for the idea of
+heresy in a vicar's wife did not readily suggest itself to the ordinary
+bucolic mind, and I did not proffer information when it was unasked for.
+
+It happened that, shortly after that (to me) memorable Christmas of 1872,
+a sharp epidemic of typhoid fever broke out in the village of Sibsey. The
+drainage there was of the most primitive type, and the contagion spread
+rapidly. Naturally fond of nursing, I found in this epidemic work just
+fitted to my hand, and I was fortunate enough to be able to lend personal
+help that made me welcome in the homes of the stricken poor. The mothers
+who slept exhausted while I watched beside their darlings' bedsides will
+never, I like to fancy, think over harshly of the heretic whose hand was
+as tender and often more skilful than their own. I think Mother Nature
+meant me for a nurse, for I take a sheer delight in nursing anyone,
+provided only that there is peril in the sickness, so that there is the
+strange and solemn feeling of the struggle between the human skill one
+wields and the supreme enemy, Death. There is a strange fascination in
+fighting Death, step by step, and this is of course felt to the full
+where one fights for life as life, and not for a life one loves. When the
+patient is beloved, the struggle is touched with agony, but where one
+fights with Death over the body of a stranger, there is a weird
+enchantment in the contest without personal pain, and as one forces back
+the hated foe there is a curious triumph in the feeling which marks the
+death-grip yielding up its prey, as one snatches back to earth the life
+which had well-nigh perished.
+
+Meanwhile, the promise to Mr. Scott was not forgotten, and I penned the
+essay on "The Deity of Jesus of Nazareth" which stands first in the
+collection of essays published later under the title, "My Path to
+Atheism". The only condition annexed to my sending it to Mr. Scott was
+the perfectly fair one that if published it should appear without my
+name. Mr. Scott was well pleased with the essay, and before long it was
+printed as one of the "Scott Series", to my great delight.
+
+But unfortunately a copy sent to a relative of Mr. Besant's brought about
+a storm. That gentlemen did not disagree with it--indeed he admitted that
+all educated persons must hold the views put forward--but what would
+Society say? What would "the county families" think if one of the
+clerical party was known to be a heretic. This dreadful little paper bore
+the inscription "By the wife of a beneficed clergyman"; what would happen
+if the "wife of the beneficed clergyman" were identified with Mrs. Besant
+of Sibsey?
+
+After some thought I made a compromise. Alter or hide my faith I would
+not, but yield personal feelings I would. I gave up my correspondence
+with Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, which might, it was alleged, he noticed in the
+village and so give rise to mischievous gossip. In this Mr. and Mrs.
+Voysey most generously helped me, bidding me rest assured of their
+cordial friendship while counselling me for awhile to cease the
+correspondence which was one of the few pleasures of my life, but was not
+part of my duty to the higher and freer faith which we had all embraced.
+With keen regret I bade them for awhile farewell, and went back to my
+lonely life.
+
+In that spring of 1873, I delivered my first lecture. It was delivered to
+no one, queer as that may sound to my readers. And indeed, it was queer
+altogether. I was learning to play the organ, and was in the habit of
+practising in the church by myself, without a blower. One day, being
+securely locked in, I thought I would like to try how "it felt" to speak
+from the pulpit. Some vague fancies were stirring in me, that I could
+speak if I had the chance; very vague they were, for the notion that I
+might ever speak on the platform had never dawned on me; only the longing
+to find outlet in words was in me; the feeling that I had something to
+say, and the yearning to say it. So, queer as it may seem? I ascended the
+pulpit in the big, empty, lonely church, and there and then I delivered
+my first lecture! I shall never forget the feeling of power and of
+delight which came upon me as my voice rolled down the aisles, and the
+passion in me broke into balanced sentences, and never paused for
+rhythmical expression, while I felt that all I wanted was to see the
+church full of upturned faces, instead of the emptiness of the silent
+pews. And as though in a dream the solitude became peopled, and I saw the
+listening faces and the eager eyes, and as the sentences came unbidden
+from my lips, and my own tones echoed back to me from the pillars of the
+ancient church, I knew of a verity that the gift of speech was mine, and
+that if ever--and it seemed then so impossible--if ever the chance came
+to me of public work, that at least this power of melodious utterance
+should win hearing for any message I had to bring.
+
+But that knowledge remained a secret all to my own self for many a long
+month, for I quickly felt ashamed of that foolish speechifying in an
+empty church, and I only recall it now because, in trying to trace out
+one's mental growth, it is only fair to notice the first silly striving
+after that expression in spoken words, which, later, has become to me one
+of the deepest delights of life. And indeed none can know save they who
+have felt it what joy there is in the full rush of language which, moves
+and sways; to feel a crowd respond to the lightest touch; to see the
+faces brighten or graven at your bidding; to know that the sources of
+human passion and human emotion gush at the word of the speaker, as the
+stream from the riven rock; to feel that the thought that thrills through
+a thousand hearers has its impulse from you and throbs back to you the
+fuller from a thousand heart-beats; is there any joy in life more
+brilliant than this, fuller of passionate triumph, and of the very
+essence of intellectual delight?
+
+My pen was busy, and a second pamphlet, dealing with the Johannine
+gospel, was written and sent up to Mr. Scott under the same conditions of
+anonymity as before, for it was seen that my authorship could in nowise
+be suspected, and Mr. Scott paid me for my work. I had also made a
+collection of Theistic, but non-Christian, hymns, with a view of meeting
+a want felt by Mr. Voysey's congregation at St. George's Hall, and this
+was lying idle, while it might be utilised. So it was suggested that I
+should take up again my correspondence with Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, and glad
+enough was I to do so. During this time my health was rapidly failing,
+and in the summer of 1873 it broke down completely. At last I went up to
+London to consult a physician, and was told I was suffering from general
+nervous exhaustion, which, was accompanied by much disturbance of the
+functions of the heart. "There is no organic disease yet," said Dr.
+Sibson, "but there soon will be, unless you can completely change your
+manner of life." Such a change was not possible, and I grew rapidly
+worse. The same bad adviser who had before raised the difficulty of "what
+will Society say?" again interfered, and urged that pressure should be
+put on me to compel me at least to conform to the outward ceremonies of
+the Church, and to attend the Holy Communion. This I was resolved not to
+do, whatever might be the result of my "obstinacy ", and the result was
+not long in coming.
+
+I had been with the children to Southsea, to see if the change would
+restore my shattered health, and stayed in town with my mother on my
+return under Dr. Sibson's care. Very skilful and very good to me was Dr.
+Sibson, giving me for almost nothing all the wealthiest could have bought
+with their gold, but he could not remove all then in my life which made
+the re-acquiring of health impossible. What the doctor could not do,
+however, others did. It was resolved that I should either resume
+attendance at the Communion, or should not return home; hypocrisy or
+expulsion--such was the alternative; I chose the latter.
+
+A bitterly sad time followed; my dear mother was heartbroken; to her,
+with her wide and vague form of Christianity, loosely held, the intensity
+of my feeling that where I did not believe I would not pretend belief,
+was incomprehensible. She recognised far more fully than I all that a
+separation from my home meant for me, and the difficulties which would
+surround a young woman not yet six-and-twenty, living alone. She knew how
+brutally the world judges, and how the mere fact that a woman is young
+and alone justifies any coarseness of slander. Then, I did not guess how
+cruel men and women could be, but knowing it from eleven years'
+experience, I deliberately say that I would rather go through it all
+again with my eyes wide open from the first, than have passed those
+eleven years "in Society" under the burden of an acted lie.
+
+But the struggle was hard when she prayed me for her sake to give way;
+against harshness I had been rigid as steel, but to remain steadfast when
+my darling mother, whom I loved as I loved nothing else on earth, begged
+me on her knees to yield, was indeed hard. I felt as though it must be a
+crime to refuse submission when she urged it, but still--to live a lie?
+Not even for her was that possible.
+
+Then there were the children, the two little ones who worshipped me, I
+who was to them mother, nurse, and playfellow. Were these also to be
+resigned? For awhile, at least, this complete loss was spared me, for
+facts (which I have not touched on in this record) came accidentally to
+my brother's knowledge, and he resolved that I should have the protection
+of legal separation, and should not be turned wholly penniless and alone
+into the world. So, when everything was arranged, I found myself
+possessed of my little girl, of complete personal freedom, and of a small
+monthly income sufficient for respectable starvation.
+
+
+
+X.
+
+
+The "world was all before us where to choose", but circumstances narrowed
+the choice down to Hobson's. I had no ready money beyond the first
+month's payment of my annuity; furnished lodgings were beyond my means,
+and I had nothing wherewith to buy furniture. My brother offered me a
+home, on condition that I should give up my "heretical friends" and keep
+quiet; but, being freed from one bondage, nothing was further from my
+thoughts than to enter another. Besides, I did not choose to be a burden
+on anyone, and I resolved to "get something to do", to rent a tiny house,
+and to make a nest where my mother, my little girl, and I could live
+happily together. The difficulty was the "something"; I spent various
+shillings in agencies, with a quite wonderful unanimity of failures. I
+tried to get some fancy needlework, advertised as an infallible source of
+income to "ladies in reduced circumstances"; I fitted the advertisement
+admirably, for I was a lady, and my circumstances were decidedly reduced,
+but I only earned 4s. 6d. by weeks of stitching, and the materials cost
+nearly as much as the finished work. I experimented with a Birmingham
+firm, who generously offered everyone an opportunity of adding to their
+incomes, and received in answer to the small fee demanded a pencil-case,
+with an explanation that I was to sell little articles of that
+description--going as far as cruet-stands--to my friends; I did not feel
+equal to springing pencil-cases and cruet-stands casually on my
+acquaintances, so did not start in that business. It would be idle to
+relate all the things I tried, and failed in, until I began to think that
+the "something to do" was not so easy to find as I had expected.
+
+I made up my mind to settle at Upper Norwood, near Mr. and Mrs. Scott,
+who were more than good to me in my trouble; and I fixed on a very little
+house in Colby Road, Gipsy Hill, to be taken from the ensuing Easter.
+Then came the question of furniture; a friend of Mr. Scott's gave me an
+introduction to a manufacturer, who agreed to let me have furniture for a
+bedroom and sitting-room, and to let me pay him by monthly instalments.
+The next thing was to save a few months' annuity, and so have a little
+money in hand, wherewith to buy necessaries on starting, and to this end
+I decided to accept a loving invitation to Folkestone, where my
+grandmother was living with two of my aunts, and there to seek some
+employment, no matter what, provided it gave me food and lodging, and
+enabled me to put aside my few pounds a month.
+
+Relieved from the constant strain of fear and anxiety, my health was
+quickly improving, and the improvement became more rapid after I went
+down with my mother to Folkestone. The hearty welcome offered to me there
+was extended with equal warmth to little Mabel, who soon arrived, a most
+forlorn little maiden. She was only three years old, and she had not seen
+me for some weeks; her passion of delight was pitiful; she clung to me,
+in literal fashion, for weeks afterwards, and screamed if she lost sight
+of me for a moment; it was long before she got over the separation and
+the terror of her lonely journey from Sibsey and London in charge only of
+the guard. But she was a "winsome wee thing", and danced into everyone's
+heart; after "mamma", "granny" was the prime favorite, and my dear mother
+worshipped her first grand-daughter; never was prettier picture than the
+red-golden hair nestled against the white, the baby-grace contrasting
+with the worn stateliness of her tender nurse. From that time forward--
+with the exception of a few weeks of which I shall speak presently and of
+the yearly stay of a month with her father--little Mabel was my constant
+companion, until Sir George Jessel's brutality robbed me of my child. She
+would play contentedly while I was working, a word now and again enough
+to make her happy; when I had to go out without her she would run to the
+door with me, and the "good-bye" came from down-curved lips, and she was
+ever watching at the window for my return, and the sunny face was always
+the first to welcome me home. Many and many a time have I been coming
+home, weary and heart-sick, and the glimpse of the little face watching
+has reminded me that I must not carry in a grave face to sadden my
+darling, and the effort to throw off the dreariness for her sake shook it
+off altogether, and brought back the sunshine. I have never forgiven Sir
+George Jessel, and I never shall, though his death has left me only his
+memory to hate.
+
+At Folkestone, I continued my search for "something to do", and for some
+weeks sought for pupils, thinking I might thus turn my heresy to account.
+But pupils are not readily attainable by a heretic woman, away from her
+natural home, and with a young child as "encumbrance". It chanced,
+however, that the vicar of Folkestone, Mr. Woodward, was then without a
+governess, and his wife was in very delicate health. My people knew him
+well, and as I had plenty of spare time, I offered to teach the children
+for a few hours a day. The offer was gladly accepted, and I soon arranged
+to go and stay at the house for awhile, until he could find a regular
+governess. I thought that at least I could save my small income while I
+was there, and Mabel and I were to be boarded and lodged in exchange for
+my work. This work was fairly heavy, but I did not mind that; it soon
+became heavier. Some serious fault on the part of one or both servants
+led to their sudden retirement, and I became head cook as well as
+governess and nurse. On the whole, I think I shall not try to live by
+cooking, if other trades fail; I don't mind boiling and frying, and
+making pie-crust is rather pleasant, but I do object to lifting saucepans
+and blistering my hands over heavy kettles. There is a certain charm in
+making a stew, especially to the unaccustomed cook, because of the
+excitement of wondering what the result of such various ingredients will
+be, and whether any flavor save that of onions will survive the
+competition in the mixture. On the whole my services as cook were voted
+very successful; I did my cooking better than I did my sweeping: the
+latter was a failure from sheer want of muscular strength.
+
+This curious episode came to an end abruptly. One of my little pupils
+fell ill with diptheria, and I was transformed from cook into sick-nurse.
+I sent my Mabel off promptly to her dear grandmother's care, and gave
+myself up to my old delight in nursing. But it is a horrible disease,
+diptheria, and the suffering of the patient is frightful to witness. I
+shall never forget the poor little girl's black parched lips and gasping
+breath.
+
+Scarcely was she convalescent, when the youngest boy, a fine, strong,
+healthy little fellow, sickened with scarlet fever. We elders held a
+consultation, and decided to isolate the top floor from the rest of the
+house, and to nurse the little lad there; it seemed almost hopeless to
+prevent such a disease from spreading through a family of children, but
+our vigorous measures were successful, and none other suffered. I was
+voted to the post of nurse, and installed myself promptly, taking up the
+carpets, turning out the curtains, and across the door ways hanging
+sheets which I kept always wet with chloride of lime. My meals were
+brought upstairs and put on the landing outside; my patient and I
+remained completely isolated, until the disease had run its course; and
+when all risk was over, I proudly handed over my charge, the disease
+touching no other member of the flock.
+
+It was a strange time, those weeks of the autumn and early winter in Mr.
+Woodward's house. He was a remarkably good man, very religious and to a
+very remarkable extent not "of this world". A "priest" to the tips of his
+finger-nails, and looking on his priestly office as the highest a man
+could fill, he yet held it always as one which put him at the service of
+the poorest who needed help. He was very good to me, and, while deeply
+lamenting my "perversion", held, by some strange unpriestlike charity,
+that my "unbelief" was but a passing cloud, sent as trial by "the Lord",
+and soon to vanish again, leaving me in the "sunshine of faith". He
+marvelled much, I learned afterwards, where I gained my readiness to work
+heartily for others, and to remain serenely content amid the roughnesses
+of my toiling life. To my great amusement I heard later that his elder
+daughters, trained in strictest observance of all Church ceremonies, had
+much discussed my non-attendance at the Sacrament, and had finally
+arrived at the conclusion that I had committed some deadly sin, for which
+the humble work which I undertook at their house was the appointed
+penance, and that I was excluded from "the Blessed Sacrament" until the
+penance was completed!
+
+Very shortly after the illness above-mentioned, my mother went up to
+town, whither I was soon to follow her, for now the spring had arrived,
+and it was time to prepare our new home. How eagerly we had looked
+forward to taking possession; how we had talked over our life together
+and knitted on the new one we anticipated to the old one we remembered;
+how we had planned out Mabel's training and arranged the duties that
+should fall to the share of each! Day-dreams, that never were to be
+realised!
+
+But a brief space had passed since my mother's arrival in town, when I
+received a telegram from my brother, stating that she was dangerously
+ill, and summoning me at once to her bedside. As swiftly as express train
+could carry me to London I was there, and found my darling in bed,
+prostrate, the doctor only giving her three days to live. One moment's
+sight I caught of her face, drawn and haggard; then as she saw me it all
+changed into delight; "At last! now I can rest."
+
+The brave spirit had at length broken down, never again to rise; the
+action of her heart had failed, the valves no longer performed their
+duty, and the bluish shade of forehead and neck told that the blood was
+no longer sent pure and vivifying through the arteries. But her death was
+not as near as the doctor had feared; "I do not think she can live
+four-and-twenty hours," he said to me, after I had been with her for two
+days. I told her his verdict, but it moved her little; "I do not feel
+that I am going to die just yet," she said resolutely, and she was right.
+There was an attack of fearful prostration, a very wrestling with death,
+and then the grim shadow drew backwards, and she struggled back to life.
+Soon, as is usual in cases of such disease, dropsy intervened, with all
+its weariness of discomfort, and for week after week her long martyrdom
+dragged on. I nursed her night and day, with a very desperation of
+tenderness, for now fate had touched the thing that was dearest to me in
+life. A second horrible crisis came, and for the second time her tenacity
+and my love beat back the death-stroke. She did not wish to die--the love
+of life was strong in her; I would not let her die; between us we kept
+the foe at bay.
+
+At this period, after eighteen months of abstention, and for the last
+time, I took the Sacrament. This statement will seem strange to my
+readers, but the matter happened in this wise:
+
+My dear mother had an intense longing to take it, but absolutely refused
+to do so unless I partook of it with her.
+
+"If it be necessary to salvation," she persisted doggedly, "I will not
+take it if darling Annie is to be shut out. I would rather be lost with
+her than saved without her." In vain I urged that I could not take it
+without telling the officiating clergyman of my heresy, and that under
+such circumstances the clergyman would be sure to refuse to administer to
+me. She insisted that she could not die happy if she did not take it with
+me. I went to a clergyman I knew well, and laid the case before him; as I
+expected, he refused to allow me to communicate. I tried a second; the
+result was the same. I was in despair; to me the service was foolish and
+superstitious, but I would have done a great deal more for my mother than
+eat bread and drink wine, provided that the eating and drinking did not,
+by pretence of faith on my part, soil my honesty. At last a thought
+struck me; there was Dean Stanley, my mother's favorite, a man known to
+be of the broadest school within the Church of England; suppose I asked
+him? I did not know him, though as a young child I had known his sister
+as my mother's friend, and I felt the request would be something of an
+impertinence. Yet there was just the chance that he might consent, and
+then my darling's death-bed would be the easier. I told no one, but set
+out resolutely for the Deanery, Westminster, timidly asked for the Dean,
+and followed the servant upstairs with a very sinking heart. I was left
+for a moment alone in the library, and then the Dean came in. I don't
+think I ever in my life felt more intensely uncomfortable than I did in
+that minute's interval, as he stood waiting for me to speak, his clear,
+grave, piercing eyes gazing right into mine.
+
+Very falteringly I preferred my request, stating baldly that I was not a
+believer in Christ, that my mother was dying, that she was fretting to
+take the Sacrament, that she would not take it unless I took it with her,
+that two clergymen had refused to allow me to take part in the service,
+that I had come to him in despair, feeling how great was the intrusion,
+but--she was dying.
+
+"You were quite right to come to me," he said as I concluded, in that
+soft musical voice of his, his keen gaze having changed into one no less
+direct, but marvellously gentle: "of course, I will go and see your
+mother, and I have little doubt that if you will not mind talking over
+your position with me, we may see our way clear to doing as your mother
+wishes."
+
+I could barely speak my thanks, so much did the kindly sympathy move me;
+the revulsion from the anxiety and fear of rebuff was strong enough to be
+almost pain. But Dean Stanley did more than I asked. He suggested that he
+should call that afternoon, and have a quiet chat with my mother, and
+then come again on the following day to administer the Sacrament.
+
+"A stranger's presence is always trying to a sick person," he said, with
+rare delicacy of thought; "and joined to the excitement of the service it
+might be too much for your dear mother. If I spend half-an-hour with her
+to-day, and administer the Sacrament to-morrow, it will, I think, be
+better for her."
+
+So Dean Stanley came that afternoon, and remained talking with my mother
+for about half-an-hour, and then set himself to understand my own
+position. He finally told me that conduct was far more important than
+theory, and that he regarded all as "Christians" who recognised and tried
+to follow the moral law. On the question of the absolute Deity of Jesus
+he laid but little stress; Jesus was, "in a special sense", the "Son of
+God", but it was folly to jangle about words with only human meanings
+when dealing with the mysteries of divine existence, and above all it was
+folly to make such words into dividing lines between earnest souls. The
+one important matter was the recognition of "duty to God and man", and
+all who were one in that recognition might rightfully join in an act of
+worship, the essence of which was not acceptance of dogma, but love of
+God and self-sacrifice for man. "The Holy Communion", he said, in his
+soft tones, "was never meant to divide from each other hearts that are
+searching after the one true God; it was meant by its founder as a symbol
+of unity, not of strife".
+
+On the following day he came again, and celebrated the "Holy Communion"
+by the bedside of my dear mother. Well was I repaid for the struggle it
+had cost me to ask so great a kindness from a stranger, when I saw the
+comfort that gentle noble heart had given to my mother. He soothed away
+all her anxiety about my heresy with tactful wisdom, bidding her have no
+fear of differences of opinion where the heart was set on truth.
+"Remember", she told me he had said to her, "remember that our God is the
+God of truth, and that therefore the honest search for truth can never be
+displeasing in his eyes".
+
+Once again after that he came, and after his visit to my mother we had
+another long talk. I ventured to ask him, the conversation having turned
+that way, how, with views so broad as his own, he found it possible to
+remain in communion with the Church of England. "I think", he said
+gently, "that I am of more service to true religion by remaining in the
+Church and striving to widen its boundaries from within, than if I left
+it and worked from without". And he went on to explain how, as Dean of
+Westminster, he was in a rarely independent position, and could make the
+Abbey of a wider national service than would otherwise be possible. In
+all he said on this his love for and his pride in the glorious Abbey were
+manifest, and it was easy to see that old historical associations, love
+of music, of painting, and of stately architecture, were the bonds that
+held him bound to the "old historic Church of England". His emotions, not
+his intellect, kept him Churchman, and he shrunk with the
+over-sensitiveness of the cultured scholar from the idea of allowing the
+old traditions, to be handled roughly by inartistic hands. Naturally of a
+refined and delicate nature, he had been rendered yet more sensitive by
+the training of the college and the court; the exquisite courtesy of his
+manners was but the high polish of a naturally gentle and artistic
+spirit, a spirit whose gentleness sometimes veiled its strength. I have
+often heard Dean Stanley harshly spoken of, I have heard his honesty
+roughly challenged, but never in my presence has he been attacked that I
+have not uttered my protest against the injustice done him, and thus
+striven to repay some small fraction of that great debt of gratitude
+which I shall owe to his memory as long as I live.
+
+As the spring grew warmer, my mother rallied wonderfully, and we began to
+dare to hope. At last it was decided to move her down to Norwood; she was
+wearying for change, and it was thought that the purer air of the country
+might aid the system to recover tone and strength. The furniture was
+waiting for me to send for it, and it was soon, conveyed to Colby Road;
+it only furnished two rooms, but I could easily sleep on the floor, and I
+made the two rooms on the ground floor into bedroom and sitting-room for
+my dear invalid. One little servant-maid was all our slender resources
+could afford, and a very charming one was found for me by Mrs. Scott.
+Through the months of hard work and poor living that followed, Mary was
+the most thoughtful and most generous of comrades. And, indeed, I have
+been very fortunate in my servants, always finding in them willingness to
+help, and freely-rendered, ungrudging kindness.
+
+I have just said that I could only furnish two rooms, but on my next
+visit to complete all the arrangements for my mother's reception, I found
+the bedroom that was to be mine neatly and prettily furnished. The good
+fairy was Mrs. Scott, who, learning the "nakedness of the land" from
+Mary, had determined that I should not be as uncomfortable as I had
+expected.
+
+It was the beginning of May, and the air was soft and bright and warm. We
+hired an invalid carriage and drove slowly down to Norwood. My mother
+seemed to enjoy the drive, and when we lifted her into the bright cosy
+room prepared for her, she was delighted with the change. On the
+following morning the improvement was continued, but in the evening she
+was taken suddenly worse, and we lifted her into bed and telegraphed for
+the doctor. But now the end had come; her strength completely failed, and
+she felt that death was upon her; but selfless to the last, her only fear
+was for me. "I am leaving you alone," she would sigh from time to time,
+and truly I felt, with an anguish I dared not realise, that when she died
+I should indeed be alone on earth.
+
+For two days longer she was with me, and, miser with my last few hours, I
+never left her side for five minutes. At last on the 10th of May the
+weakness passed into delirium, but even then the faithful eyes followed
+me about the room, until at length they closed for ever, and as the
+sun sank low in the heavens, the breath came slower and slower, till the
+silence of death came down upon us and she was gone.
+
+All that followed was like a dream. I would have none touch my dead save
+myself and her favorite sister, who was with us at the last; she wept
+over her, but I could not, not even when they hid her beneath the
+coffin-lid, nor all that weary way to Kensal Green, whither we took her
+to lay her with her husband and her baby-son. I could not believe that
+our day-dream was dead and buried, and the home destroyed ere it was
+fairly made. My "house was left unto" me "desolate", and the rooms filled
+with sunshine, but unlighted by her presence, seemed to reiterate to me:
+"You are all alone ".
+
+
+
+XI.
+
+
+The two months after my mother's death were the dreariest my life has
+known, and they were months of tolerably hard struggle. The little house
+in Colby Road taxed my slender resources heavily, and the search for work
+was not yet successful. I do not know how I should have managed but for
+the help, ever at hand, of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Scott. During this time I
+wrote for Mr. Scott pamphlets on Inspiration, Atonement, Mediation and
+Salvation, Eternal Torture, Religious Education of Children, Natural _v._
+Revealed Religion, and the few guineas thus earned were very valuable.
+Their house, too, was always open to me, and this was no small help, for
+often in those days the little money I had was enough to buy food for two
+but not enough to buy it for three, and I would go out and study all day
+at the British Museum, so as to "have my dinner in town", the said dinner
+being conspicuous by its absence. If I was away for two evenings running
+from the hospitable house in the terrace, Mrs. Scott would come down to
+see what had happened, and many a time the supper there was of real
+physical value to me. Well might I write, in 1879, when Thomas Scott lay
+dead: "It was Thomas Scott whose house was open to me when my need was
+sorest, and he never knew, this generous noble heart, how sometimes, when
+I went in, weary and overdone, from a long day's study in the British
+Museum, with scarce food to struggle through the day--he never knew how
+his genial 'Well, little lady', in welcoming tone, cheered the then utter
+loneliness of my life. To no living man or woman--save one--do I owe the
+debt of gratitude that I owe to Thomas Scott."
+
+The small amount of jewellery I possessed, and all my superfluous
+clothes, were turned into more necessary articles, and the child, at
+least, never suffered a solitary touch of want. Mary was a wonderful
+contriver, and kept house on the very slenderest funds that could be put
+into a servant's hands, and she also made the little place so bright and
+fresh-looking that it was always a pleasure to go into it. Recalling
+those days of "hard living", I can now look on them without regret. More,
+I am glad to have passed through them, for they have taught me how to
+sympathise with those who are struggling as I struggled then, and I never
+can hear the words fall from pale lips: "I am hungry", without
+remembering how painful a thing hunger is, and without curing that pain,
+at least for the moment.
+
+But I turn from this to the brighter side of my life, the intellectual
+and social side, where I found a delight unknown in the old days of
+bondage. First, there was the joy of freedom, the joy of speaking out
+frankly and honestly each thought. Truly, I had the right to say: "With a
+great price obtained I this freedom," and having paid the price, I
+revelled in the Liberty I had bought. Mr. Scott's valuable library was at
+my service; his keen brain challenged my opinions, probed my assertions,
+and suggested phases of thought hitherto untouched. I studied harder than
+ever, and the study now was unchecked by any fear of possible
+consequences. I had nothing left of the old faith save belief in "a God",
+and that began slowly to melt away. The Theistic axiom: "If there be a
+God at all he must be at least as good as his highest creature", began
+with an "if", and to that "if" I turned my attention. "Of all impossible
+things", writes Miss Frances Power Cobbe, "the most impossible must
+surely be that a man should dream something of the good and the noble,
+and that it should prove at last that his Creator was less good and less
+noble than he had dreamed." But, I questioned, are we sure that there is
+a Creator? Granted that, if there is, he must be above his highest
+creature, but--is there such a being? "The ground", says the Rev. Charles
+Voysey, "on which our belief in God rests is man. Man, parent of Bibles
+and Churches, inspirer of all good thoughts and good deeds. Man, the
+master-piece of God's thought on earth. Man, the text-book of all
+spiritual knowledge. Neither miraculous nor infallible, man is
+nevertheless the only trustworthy record of the Divine mind in things
+perhaps pertaining to God. Man's reason, conscience, and affections are
+the only true revelation of his Maker." But what if God were only man's
+own image reflected in the mirror of man's mind? What if man were the
+creator, not the revelation of his God?
+
+It was inevitable that such thoughts should arise after the more palpably
+indefensible doctrines of Christianity had been discarded. Once encourage
+the human mind to think, and bounds to the thinking can never again be
+set by authority. Once challenge traditional beliefs, and the challenge
+will ring on every shield which is hanging in the intellectual arena.
+Around me was the atmosphere of conflict, and, freed from its long
+repression, my mind leapt up to share in the strife with a joy in the
+intellectual tumult, the intellectual strain.
+
+At this time I found my way to South Place Chapel, to which Mr. Moncure
+D. Conway was attracting many a seeker after truth. I was fortunate
+enough to be introduced to this remarkable religious leader, and to his
+charming wife, one of the sweetest and steadiest natures which it has
+been my lot to meet. It was from. Mrs. Conway that I first heard of Mr.
+Bradlaugh as a speaker that everyone should hear. She asked me one day if
+I had been to the Hall of Science, and I said, with the stupid, ignorant
+reflexion of other people's prejudices which is but too common:
+
+"No, I have never been. Mr. Bradlaugh is rather a rough sort of speaker,
+is he not?"
+
+"He is the finest speaker of Saxon English that I have ever heard," Mrs.
+Conway answered, "except, perhaps, John Bright, and his power over a
+crowd is something marvellous. Whether you agree with him or not, you
+should hear him."
+
+I replied that I really did not know what his views were, beyond having a
+vague notion that he was an Atheist of a rather pronounced type, but that
+I would go and hear him when I had an opportunity.
+
+Mr. Conway had passed beyond the emotional Theism of Mr. Voysey, and talk
+with him did something towards widening my views on the question of a
+Divine Existence. I re-read carefully Mansel's Bampton Lectures, and
+found in them much to provoke doubt, nothing to induce faith. Take the
+following phrases, and think whither they carry us. Dean Mansel is
+speaking of God as Infinite, and he says: "That a man can be conscious of
+the Infinite is, then, a supposition which, in the very terms in which it
+is expressed, annihilates itself.... The Infinite, if it is to be
+conceived at all, must be conceived as potentially everything and
+actually nothing; for if there is anything in general which it cannot
+become, it is thereby limited; and if there is anything in particular
+which it actually is, it is thereby excluded from being any other thing.
+But again, it must also be conceived as actually everything and
+potentially nothing: for an unrealised potentiality is likewise a
+limitation. If the infinite can be that which it is not, it is by that
+very possibility marked out as incomplete and capable of a higher
+perfection. If it is actually everything, it possesses no characteristic
+feature by which it can be distinguished from anything else and discerned
+as an object of consciousness."
+
+Could any argument more thoroughly Atheistic be put before a mind which
+dared to think out to the logical end any train of thought? Such
+reasoning can lead but to one of two ends: despair of truth and
+consequent acceptance of the incomprehensible as Divine, or else the
+resolute refusal to profess belief where reason is helpless, and where
+faith is but the credulity of ignorance. In my case, it had the latter
+effect.
+
+At the same time I re-read Mill's "Examination of Sir W. Hamilton's
+Philosophy", and also went through a pretty severe study of Comte's
+_Philosophic Positive_. I had entirely given up the use of prayer, not
+because I was an Atheist but because I was still a Theist. It seemed to
+me to be absurd to pray, if I believed in a God who was wiser and better
+than myself. An all-wise God did not need my suggestions: an all-good God
+would do all that was best without my prompting. Prayer appeared to me to
+be a blasphemous impertinence, and for a considerable time I had
+discontinued its use. But God fades gradually out of the daily life of
+those who never pray; a God who is not a Providence is a superfluity;
+when from the heaven does not smile a listening Father, it soon becomes
+an empty space whence resounds no echo of man's cry.
+
+At last I said to Mr. Scott: "Mr. Scott, may I write a tract on the
+nature and existence of God?"
+
+He glanced at me keenly: "Ah, little lady; you are facing then that
+problem at last? I thought it must come. Write away."
+
+The thought that had been driving me forward found its expression in the
+opening words of the essay (published a few months later, with one or two
+additions that were made after I had read two of Mr. Bradlaugh's essays,
+his "Plea for Atheism", and "Is there a God?"): "It is impossible for
+those who study the deeper religious problems of our time to stave off
+much longer the question which lies at the root of them all, 'What do you
+believe in regard to God?' We may controvert Christian doctrines one
+after another; point by point we may be driven from the various beliefs
+of our churches; reason may force us to see contradictions where we had
+imagined harmony, and may open our eyes to flaws where we had dreamed of
+perfection; we resign all idea of a revelation; we seek for God in Nature
+only: we renounce for ever the hope (which glorified our former creed
+into such alluring beauty) that at some future time we should verily
+'see' God; that 'our eyes should behold the King in his beauty', in that
+fairy 'land which is very far off'. But every step we take onwards
+towards a more reasonable faith and a surer light of Truth, leads us
+nearer and nearer to the problem of problems: 'What is THAT which men
+call God?".
+
+I sketched out the plan of my essay and had written most of it when on
+returning one day from the British Museum I stopped at the shop of Mr.
+Edward Truelove, 256 High Holborn. I had been working at some Comtist
+literature, and had found a reference to Mr. Truelove's shop as one at
+which Comtist publications might be bought. Lying on the counter was a
+copy of the _National Reformer_, and attracted by the title I bought it.
+I had never before heard of nor seen the paper, and I read it placidly in
+the omnibus; looking up, I was at first puzzled and then amused to see an
+old gentleman gazing at me with indignation and horror printed on his
+countenance; I realised that my paper had disturbed his peace of mind,
+and that the sight of a young woman, respectably dressed in crape,
+reading an Atheistic journal in an omnibus was a shock too great to be
+endured by the ordinary Philistine without sign of discomposure. He
+looked so hard at the paper that I was inclined to offer it to him for
+his perusal, but repressed the mischievous inclination, and read on
+demurely.
+
+This first copy of the paper with which I was to be so closely connected
+bore date July 19th, 1874, and contained two long letters from a Mr.
+Arnold of Northampton, attacking Mr. Bradlaugh, and a brief and
+singularly self-restrained answer from the latter. There was also an
+article on the National Secular Society, which made me aware that there
+was an organisation devoted to the propagandism of Free Thought. I felt
+that if such a society existed, I ought to belong to it, and I
+consequently wrote a short note to the editor of the _National Reformer_,
+asking whether it was necessary for a person to profess Atheism before
+being admitted to the Society. The answer appeared in the _National
+Reformer_:--
+
+"S.E.--To be a member of the National Secular Society it is only
+necessary to be able honestly to accept the four principles, as given in
+the _National Reformer_ of June 14th. This any person may do without
+being required to avow himself an Atheist. Candidly, we can see no
+logical resting-place between the entire acceptance of authority, as in
+the Roman Catholic Church, and the most extreme nationalism. If, on again
+looking to the Principles of the Society, you can accept them, we repeat
+to you our invitation."
+
+I sent my name in as an active member, and find it recorded in the
+_National Reformer_ of August 9th. Having received an intimation that
+Londoners could receive their certificates at the Hall of Science from
+Mr. Bradlaugh on any Sunday evening, I betook myself thither, and it was
+on the 2nd August, 1874, that I first set foot in a Freethought hall.
+
+As I sat, much crushed, surveying the crowded audience with much interest
+and longing to know which were members of the brotherhood I had entered,
+a sudden roar of cheering startled me. I saw a tall figure passing
+swiftly along and mounting the stairs, and the roar deepened and swelled
+as he made a slight acknowledgment of the greeting and sat down. I
+remember well my sensations as I looked at Charles Bradlaugh for the
+first time. The grave, quiet, _strong_ look, as he sat facing the crowd,
+impressed me strangely, and most of all was I surprised at the breadth of
+forehead, the massive head, of the man I had heard described as a mere
+ignorant demagogue.
+
+The lecture was on "The ancestry and birth of Jesus", and was largely
+devoted to tracing the resemblance between the Christ and Krishna myths.
+As this ground was well-known to me, I was able to judge of the
+lecturer's accuracy, and quickly found that his knowledge was as sound as
+his language was splendid. I had never before heard eloquence, sarcasm,
+fire, and passion brought to bear on the Christian superstition, nor had
+I ever before felt the sway of the orator, nor the power that dwells in
+spoken words.
+
+After the lecture, Mr. Bradlaugh came down the Hall with some
+certificates of membership of the National Secular Society in his hand,
+and glancing round for their claimants caught, I suppose, some look of
+expectancy in my face, for he paused and handed me mine, with a
+questioning, "Mrs. Besant?". Then he said that if I had any doubt at all
+on the subject of Atheism, he would willingly discuss it with me, if I
+would write making an appointment for that purpose. I made up my mind to
+take advantage of the opportunity, and a day or two later saw me walking
+down Commercial Road, looking for Turner Street.
+
+My first conversation with Mr. Bradlaugh was brief, direct, and
+satisfactory. We found that there was little real difference between our
+theological views, and my dislike of the name "Atheist" arose from my
+sharing in the vulgar error that the Atheist asserted, "There is no God".
+This error I corrected in the draft of my essay, by inserting a few
+passages from pamphlets written by acknowledged Atheists, to which Mr.
+Bradlaugh drew my attention; with this exception the essay remained as it
+was sketched, being described by Mr. Bradlaugh as "a very good Atheistic
+essay", a criticism which ended with the smiling comment: "You have
+thought yourself into Atheism without knowing it."
+
+Very wise were some of the suggestions made: "You should never say you
+have an opinion on a subject until you have tried to study the strongest
+things said against the view to which you are inclined". "You must not
+think you know a subject until you are acquainted with all that the best
+minds have said about it." "No steady work can be done in public unless
+the worker study at home far more than he talks outside." And let me say
+here that among the many things for which I have to thank Mr. Bradlaugh,
+there is none for which I owe him more gratitude than for the fashion in
+which he has constantly urged the duty of all who stand forward as
+teachers to study deeply every subject they touch, and the impetus he has
+given to my own love of knowledge by the constant spur of criticism and
+of challenge, criticism of every weak statement, challenge of every
+hastily-expressed view. It will be a good thing for the world when a
+friendship between a man and a woman no longer means protective
+condescension on one side and helpless dependence on the other, but when
+they meet on equal ground of intellectual sympathy, discussing,
+criticising, studying, and so aiding the evolution of stronger and
+clearer thought-ability in each.
+
+A few days after our first discussion, Mr. Bradlaugh offered me a place
+on the staff of the _National Reformer_ at a small weekly salary; and my
+first contribution appeared in the number for August 30th, over the
+signature of "Ajax"; I was obliged to use a _nom de guerre_ at first, for
+the work I was doing for Mr. Scott would have been injured had my name
+appeared in the columns of the terrible _National Reformer_, and until
+the work commenced and paid for was concluded I did not feel at liberty
+to use my own name. Later, I signed my _National Reformer_ articles, and
+the tracts written for Mr. Scott appeared anonymously.
+
+The name was suggested by the famous statue of "Ajax crying for light", a
+cast of which stands in the centre walk of the Crystal Palace. The cry
+through the darkness for light, even if light brought destruction, was
+one that awoke the keenest sympathy of response from my heart:
+
+  "If our fate be death,
+  Give light, and let us die!"
+
+To see, to know, to understand, even though the seeing blind, though the
+knowledge sadden, though the understanding shatter the dearest hopes,
+such has ever been the craving of the upward-striving mind of man. Some
+regard it as a weakness, as a folly, but I am sure that it exists most
+strongly in some of the noblest of our race; that from the lips of those
+who have done most in lifting the burden of ignorance from the
+overstrained and bowed shoulders of a stumbling world has gone out most
+often into the empty darkness the pleading, impassioned cry :--
+
+"Give light."
+
+
+
+XII.
+
+
+My first lecture was delivered at the Co-operative Society's Hall, 55,
+Castle Street, on August 25, 1873. Twice before this, I had ventured to
+raise my voice in discussion, once at a garden-party at which I was
+invited to join in a brief informal debate, and discovered that words
+came readily and smoothly, and the second time at the Liberal Social
+Union, in a discussion on a paper read by a member--I forget by whom--
+dealing with the opening of Museums and Art Galleries on Sunday.
+
+My membership of that same "Liberal" Social Union was not, by the way, of
+very long duration. A discussion arose, one night, on the admissibility
+of Atheists to the society. Dr. Zerffi declared that he would not remain
+a member if avowed Atheists were admitted. I declared that I was an
+Atheist, and that the basis of the Union was liberty. The result was that
+I found myself coldshouldered, and those who had been warmly cordial to
+me as a Theist looked askance at me after I had avowed that my scepticism
+had advanced beyond their "limits of religious thought". The Liberal
+Social Union knew me no more, but in the wider field of work open before
+me the narrowmindedness of this petty clique troubled me not at all.
+
+To return from this digression to my first essay in lecturing work. An
+invitation to read a paper before the Co-operative Society came to me
+from Mr. Greenwood, who was, I believe, the Secretary, and as the subject
+was left to my own choice, I determined that my first public attempt at
+speech should be on behalf of my own sex, and selected for it, "The
+Political Status of Women". With much fear and trembling was that paper
+written, and it was a very nervous person who presented herself at the
+Co-operative Hall. When a visit to the dentist is made, and one stands on
+the steps outside, desiring to run away ere the neat little boy in
+buttons opens the door and beams on one with a smile of compassionate
+contempt and implike triumph, then the world seems dark and life is as a
+huge blunder. But all such feelings are poor and weak when compared with
+the sinking of the heart, and the trembling of the knees, which, seize
+upon the unhappy lecturer as he advances towards his first audience, and
+as before his eyes rises a ghastly vision of a tongue-tied would-be
+speaker facing rows of listening faces, listening to--silence.
+
+All this miserable feeling, however, disappeared the moment I rose to my
+feet and looked at the faces before me. No tremor of nervousness touched
+me from the first word to the last. And a similar experience has been
+mine ever since. I am still always nervous before a lecture, and feel
+miserable and ill-assured, but, once on my feet, I am at my ease, and not
+once on the platform after the lecture has commenced have I experienced
+the painful feeling of hesitancy and "fear of the sound of my own voice"
+of which I have often heard people speak.
+
+The death of Mr. Charles Gilpin in September left vacant one of the seats
+for Northampton, and Mr. Bradlaugh at once announced his intention of
+again presenting himself to the constituency as a candidate. He had at
+first stood for the borough in 1868, and had received 1086 votes; on
+February 5th, 1874, he received 1653 votes, and of these 1060 were
+plumpers; the other candidates were Messrs. Merewether, Phipps, Gilpin,
+and Lord Henley; Mr. Merewether had 12 plumpers; Mr. Phipps, 113; Mr.
+Gilpin, 64; Lord Henley, 21. Thus signs were already seen of the compact
+and personally loyal following which was to win the seat for its chief in
+1880, after twelve years of steady struggle. In 1868, Mr. John Stuart
+Mill had strongly supported Mr. Bradlaugh's candidature, and had sent a
+donation to his election fund. Mr. Mill wrote in his Autobiography (pp.
+311,312):
+
+"He had the support of the working classes; having heard him speak I knew
+him to be a man of ability, and he had proved that he was the reverse of
+a demagogue by placing himself in strong opposition to the prevailing
+opinion of the Democratic party on two such important subjects as
+Malthusianism. and Personal Representation. Men of this sort, who, while
+sharing the democratic feelings of the working classes, judge political
+questions for themselves, and have courage to assert their individual
+convictions against popular opposition, were needed, as it seemed to me,
+in Parliament; and I did not think that Mr. Bradlaugh's anti-religious
+opinions (even though he had been intemperate in the expression of them)
+ought to exclude him."
+
+When the election was over, and after Mr. Mill had himself been beaten at
+Westminster, he wrote, referring to his donation: "It was the right thing
+to do, and if the election were yet to take place, I would do it again".
+The election in February, 1874 took place while Mr. Bradlaugh was away in
+America, and this second one in the same year took place on the eve of
+his departure on another American lecturing tour.
+
+I went down to Northampton to report electioneering incidents for the
+_National Reformer_, and spent some days there in the whirl of the
+struggle. The Whig party was more bitter against Mr. Bradlaugh than was
+the Tory, and every weapon that could be forged out of slander and
+falsehood was used against him by "Liberals", who employed their
+Christianity as an electioneering dodge to injure a man whose sturdy
+Radicalism they feared. Over and over again Mr. Bradlaugh was told that
+he was an "impossible candidate", and gibe and sneer and scoff were flung
+at the man who had neither ancestors nor wealth to recommend him, who
+fought his battle with his brain and his tongue, and whose election
+expenses were paid by hundreds of contributions from poor men and women
+in every part of the land. Strenuous efforts were made to procure a
+"Liberal" candidate, who should be able at least to prevent Mr.
+Bradlaugh's return by obtaining the votes of the Liberal as against the
+Radical party. Messrs. Bell and James and Dr. Pearce came on the scene
+only to disappear. Mr. Jacob Bright and Mr. Arthur Arnold were suggested.
+Mr. Ayrton's name was whispered. Major Lumley was recommended by Mr.
+Bernal Osborne. Dr. Kenealy proclaimed himself ready to rescue the
+Liberal party in their dire strait. Mr. Tillet of Norwich, Mr. Cox of
+Belper, were invited, but neither of these would consent to oppose a
+sound Radical, who had fought two elections at Northampton and who had
+been before the constituency for six years. At last Mr. William Fowler, a
+banker, was invited, and accepted the task of handing over the
+representation of a Radical borough to a Tory.
+
+October 6th was fixed as the election day, and at 7.30 on that day Mr.
+Merewether, the Tory, was declared elected with 2,171 votes. Mr.
+Bradlaugh polled 1,766, having added another 133 voters to those who had
+polled for him in the previous February.
+
+The violent abuse levelled against Mr. Bradlaugh by the Whigs, and the
+foul and wicked slanders circulated against him, had angered almost to
+madness those who knew and loved him, and when it was found that the
+unscrupulous Whig devices had succeeded in turning the election against
+him, the fury broke out into open violence. As Mr. Bradlaugh was sitting
+well-nigh exhausted in the hotel, the landlord rushed in, crying to him
+to go out and try to stop the people, or there would be murder done at
+the "Palmerston", Mr. Fowler's head-quarters; the crowd was charging the
+door, and the windows were being broken, with showers of stones. Weary as
+he was, Mr. Bradlaugh sprang to his feet and swiftly made his way to the
+rescue of those who had defeated him. Flinging himself before the door,
+he drove the crowd back, scolded them into quietness and dispersed them.
+But at nine o'clock he had to leave the town to catch the mail for
+Queenstown, where he was to join the steamer for America, and after he
+had left, the riot he had quelled broke out afresh. The soldiers were
+called out, the Riot Act was read, stones flew freely, heads and windows
+were broken, but no very serious harm was done. The "Palmerston" and the
+printing office of the _Mercury_, the Whig organ, were the principal
+sufferers, windows and doors vanishing somewhat completely.
+
+In this same month of October I find I noted in the _National Reformer_
+that it was rumored "that on hearing that the Prince of Wales had
+succeeded the Earl of Ripon as Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of
+England, Mr. Bradlaugh immediately sent in his resignation". "The
+report", I added demurely, "seems likely to be a true one". I had not
+much doubt of the fact, having seen the cancelled certificate.
+
+My second lecture was delivered on September 27th, during the election
+struggle, at Mr. Moncure D. Conway's Chapel in St. Paul's Road, Camden
+Town, and was on "The true basis of morality.". The lecture was
+re-delivered a few weeks later at a Unitarian chapel, where the minister
+was the Rev. Peter Dean, and gave, I was afterwards told, great offence
+to some of the congregation, especially to Miss Frances Power Cobbe, who
+declared that she would have left the chapel had not the speaker been a
+woman. The ground of complaint was that the suggested "basis" was
+Utilitarian and human instead of Intuitional and Theistic. Published as a
+pamphlet, the lecture has reached its seventh thousand.
+
+In October I had a severe attack of congestion of the lungs, and soon
+after my recovery I left Norwood to settle in London. I found that my
+work required that I should be nearer head-quarters, and I arranged to
+rent part of a house--19, Westbourne Park Terrace, Bayswater--two lady
+friends taking the remainder. The arrangement proved a very comfortable
+one, and it continued until my improved means enabled me, in 1876, to
+take a house of my own.
+
+In January, 1875, I made up my mind to lecture regularly, and in the
+_National Reformer_ for January 17th I find the announcement that "Mrs.
+Annie Besant (Ajax) will lecture at South Place Chapel, Finsbury, on
+'Civil and religious liberty'", Mr. Conway took the chair at this first
+identification of "Ajax" with myself, and sent a very kindly notice of
+the lecture to the _Cincinnati Commercial_. Mr. Charles Watts wrote a
+report in the _National Reformer_ of January 24th. Dr. Maurice Davies
+also wrote a very favorable article in a London journal, but
+unfortunately he knew Mr. Walter Besant, who persuaded him to suppress my
+name, so that although the notice appeared it did me no service. My
+struggle to gain my livelihood was for some time rendered considerably
+more difficult by this kind of ungenerous and underhand antagonism. A
+woman's road to the earning of her own living, especially when she is
+weighted with the care of a young child, is always fairly thorny at the
+outset, and does not need to be rendered yet more difficult by secret
+attempts to injure, on the part of those who trust that suffering and
+poverty may avail to bend pride to submission.
+
+My next lecture was given in the Theatre Royal, Northampton, and in the
+_National Reformer_ of February 14th appears for the first time my list
+of lecturing engagements, so that in February next I shall complete my
+first decade of lecturing for the Freethought and Republican Cause.
+Never, since first I stood on the Freethought platform, have I felt one
+hour's regret for the resolution taken in solitude in January, 1875, to
+devote to that sacred Cause every power of brain and tongue that I
+possessed. Not lightly was that resolution taken, for I know no task of
+weightier responsibility than that of standing forth as teacher, and
+swaying thousands of hearers year after year. But I pledged my word then
+to the Cause I loved that no effort on my part should be wanting to
+render myself worthy of the privilege of service which I took; that I
+would read, and study, and would train every faculty that I had; that I
+would polish my language, discipline my thought, widen my knowledge; and
+this, at least, I may say, that if I have written and spoken much I have
+studied and thought more, and that at least I have not given to my
+mistress, Liberty, that "which hath cost me nothing".
+
+A queer incident occurred on February 17th. I had been invited by the
+Dialectical Society to read a paper, and selected for subject "The
+existence of God". The Dialectical Society had for some years held their
+meetings in a room in Adam Street rented from the Social Science
+Association. When the members gathered as usual on this 17th February,
+the door was found closed, and they were informed that Ajax's paper had
+been too much for the Social Science nerves, and that entrance to the
+ordinary meeting-place was henceforth denied. We found refuge in the
+Charing Cross Hotel, where we speculated merrily on the eccentricities of
+religious charity.
+
+On February 12th, I started on my first lecturing tour in the provinces.
+After lecturing at Birkenhead on the evening of that day, I started by
+the night mail for Glasgow. Some races--dog races, I think--had been
+going on, and very unpleasant were many of the passengers waiting on the
+platform. Some Birkenhead friends had secured me a compartment, and
+watched over me till the train began to move. Then, after we had fairly
+started, the door was flung open by a porter and a man was thrust in who
+half tumbled on to the seat. As he slowly recovered, he stood up, and as
+his money rolled out of his hand on to the floor and he gazed vaguely at
+it, I saw, to my horror, that he was drunk. The position was pleasant,
+for the train was an express and was not timed to stop for a considerable
+time. My odious fellow-passenger spent some time on the floor hunting for
+his scattered coins. Then he slowly gathered himself up, and presently
+became conscious of my presence. He studied me for some time and then
+proposed to shut the window. I assented quietly, not wanting to discuss a
+trifle, and feeling in deadly terror. Alone at night in an express, with
+a man not drunk enough to be helpless but too drunk to be controlled.
+Never, before or since, have I felt so thoroughly frightened, but I sat
+there quiet and unmoved, only grasping a penknife in my pocket, with a
+desperate resolve to use my feeble weapon as soon as the need arose. The
+man had risen again to his feet and had come over to me, when a jarring
+noise was heard and the train began to slacken.
+
+"What is that?" stammered my drunken companion.
+
+"They are putting on the brakes to stop the train," I said very slowly
+and distinctly, though a very passion of relief made it hard to say
+quietly the measured words.
+
+The man sat down stupidly, staring at me, and in a minute or two more the
+train pulled up at a station. It had been stopped by signal. In a moment
+I was at the window, calling the guard. I rapidly explained to him that I
+was travelling alone, that a half-drunken man was with me, and I begged
+him to put me into another carriage. With the usual kindliness of a
+railway official, the guard at once moved my baggage and myself into an
+empty compartment, into which he locked me, and he kept a friendly watch
+over me at every station at which we stopped until he landed me safely at
+Glasgow.
+
+At Glasgow a room had been taken for me at a Temperance Hotel, and it
+seemed to me a new and lonely sort of thing to be "on my own account" in
+a strange city in a strange hotel. By the way, why are Temperance Hotels
+so often lacking in cleanliness? Surely abstinence from wine and
+superfluity of "matter in the wrong place" need not necessarily be
+correlated in hotel-life, and yet my experience leads me to look for the
+twain together. Here and there I have been to Temperance Hotels in which
+water is used for other purposes than that of drinking, but these are, I
+regret to say, the exceptions to a melancholy rule.
+
+From Glasgow I went north to Aberdeen, and from Aberdeen home again to
+London. A long weary journey that was, in a third-class carriage in the
+cold month of February, but the labor had in it a joy that outpaid all
+physical discomfort, and the feeling that I had found my work in the
+world gave a new happiness to my life.
+
+I reported my doings to the chief of our party in America, and found them
+only half approved. "You should have waited till I returned, and at least
+I could have saved you some discomforts," he wrote; but the discomforts
+troubled me little, and I think I rather preferred the independent launch
+out into lecturing work, trusting only to my own courage and ability to
+win my way. So far as health was concerned, the lecturing acted as a
+tonic. My chest had always been a little delicate, and when I consulted a
+doctor on the possibility of my lecturing he answered: "It will either
+kill you or cure you". It has entirely cured the lung weakness, and I
+have grown strong and vigorous instead of being frail and delicate as of
+old.
+
+On February 28th I delivered my first lecture at the Hall of Science,
+London, and was received with that warmth of greeting which Freethinkers
+are ever willing to extend to one who sacrifices aught to join their
+ranks. From that day to this that hearty welcome at our central London
+hall has never failed me, and the love and courage wherewith Freethinkers
+have ever stood by me have overpaid a thousandfold any poor services I
+have been fortunate enough to render to the common cause.
+
+It would be wearisome to go step by step over the ten years' journeys and
+lectures; I will only select, here and there, incidents illustrative of
+the whole.
+
+Some folk say that the lives of Freethought lecturers are easy, and that
+their lecturing tours are lucrative in the extreme. On one occasion I
+spent eight days in the north lecturing daily, with three lectures on the
+two Sundays, and made a deficit of 11s. on the journey! I do not pretend
+that such a thing would happen now, but I fancy that every Freethought
+lecturer could tell of a similar experience in the early days of "winning
+his way".
+
+There is no better field for Freethought and Radical work than
+Northumberland and Durham; the miners there are as a rule shrewd and
+hard-headed men, and very cordial is the greeting given by them to those
+whom they have reason to trust. At Seghill and at Bedlington I have slept
+in their cottages and have been welcomed to their tables, and I remember
+one evening at Seghill, after a lecture, that my host invited about a
+dozen miners to supper to meet me; the talk ran on politics, and I soon
+found that my companions knew more of English politics and had a far
+shrewder notion of political methods than I had found among the ordinary
+"diners-out" in "society". They were of the "uneducated" class despised
+by "gentlemen" and had not the vote, but politically they were far better
+educated than their social superiors, and were far better fitted to
+discharge the duties of citizenship.
+
+On May 16th I attended, for the first time, the Annual Conference called
+by the National Secular Society. It was held at Manchester, in the
+Society's rooms in Grosvenor Street, and it is interesting and
+encouraging to note how the Society has grown and strengthened since that
+small meeting held nearly ten years ago. Mr. Bradlaugh was elected
+President; Messrs. A. Trevelyan, T. Slater, C. Watts, C.C. Cattell, R.A.
+Cooper, P.A.V. Le Lubez, N. Ridgway, G.W. Foote, G.H. Reddalls, and Mrs.
+Besant Vice Presidents. Messrs. Watts and Standring were elected as
+Secretary and Assistant-Secretary--both offices were then honorary, for
+the Society was too poor to pay the holders--and Mr. Le Lubez Treasurer.
+The result of the Conference was soon seen in the energy infused into the
+Freethought propaganda, and from that time to this the Society has
+increased in numbers and in influence, until that which was scarcely more
+than a skeleton has become a living power in the land on the side of all
+social and political reforms. The Council for 1875 consisted of but
+thirty-nine members, including President, Vice-Presidents, and Secretary,
+and of these only nine were available as a Central Executive. Let
+Freethinkers compare this meagre list with the present, and then let them
+"thank" man "and take courage".
+
+Lecturing at Leicester in June, I came for the first time across a
+falsehood of which I have since heard plenty. An irate Christian declared
+that I was responsible for a book entitled the "Elements of Social
+Science", which was, he averred, the "Bible of Secularists". I had never
+heard of the book, but as he insisted that it was in favor of the
+abolition of marriage, and that Mr. Bradlaugh agreed with it, I promptly
+contradicted him, knowing that Mr. Bradlaugh's views on marriage were
+conservative rather than revolutionary. On enquiry afterwards I found
+that the book in question had been written some years before by a Doctor
+of Medicine, and had been sent for review by its publisher to the
+_National Reformer_ among other papers. I found further that it consisted
+of three parts; the first dealt with the sexual relation, and advocated,
+from the standpoint of an experienced medical man, what is roughly known
+as "free love"; the second was entirely medical, dealing with diseases;
+the third consisted of a very clear and able exposition of the law of
+population as laid down by Malthus, and insisted--as John Stuart Mill had
+done--that it was the duty of married persons to voluntarily limit their
+families within their means of subsistence. Mr. Bradlaugh, in the
+_National Reformer_, in reviewing the book, stated that it was written
+"with honest and pure intent and purpose", and recommended to working men
+the exposition of the law of population. Because he did this Christians
+and Tories who desire to injure him still insist that he shares the
+author's views on sexual relations, and despite his reiterated
+contradictions, they quote detached pieces of the work, speaking against
+marriage, as containing his views. Anything more meanly vile and
+dishonest than this it would be difficult to imagine, yet such are the
+weapons used against Atheists in a Christian country. Unable to find in
+Mr. Bradlaugh's own writings anything to serve their purpose, they take
+isolated passages from a book he neither wrote nor published, but once
+reviewed with a recommendation of a part of it which says nothing against
+marriage.
+
+That the book is a remarkable one and deserves to be read has been
+acknowledged on all hands. Personally, I cordially dislike a large part
+of it, and dissent utterly from its views on the marital relation, but
+none the less I feel sure that the writer is an honest, good, and right
+meaning man. In the _Reasoner_, edited by Mr. George Jacob Holyoake, I
+find warmer praise of it than in the _National Reformer_; in the review
+the following passage appears:--
+
+"In some respects all books of this class are evils: but it would be
+weakness and criminal prudery--a prudery as criminal as vice itself--not
+to say that such a book as the one in question is not only a far lesser
+evil than the one that it combats, but in one sense a book which it is a
+mercy to issue and courage to publish."
+
+The _Examiner_, reviewing the same book, declared it to be
+
+"A very valuable, though rather heterogeneous book.... This is, we
+believe, the only book that has fully, honestly, and in a scientific
+spirit recognised all the elements in the problem--How are mankind to
+triumph over poverty, with its train of attendant evils?--and fearlessly
+endeavored to find a practical solution."
+
+The _British Journal of Homæopathy_ wrote:
+
+"Though quite out of the province of our journal, we cannot refrain from
+stating that this work is unquestionably the most remarkable one, in many
+respects, we have ever met with. Though we differ _toto coelo_ from the
+author in his views of religion and morality, and hold some of his
+remedies to tend rather to a dissolution than a reconstruction of
+society, yet we are bound to admit the benevolence and philanthropy of
+his motives. The scope of the work is nothing less than the whole field
+of political economy."
+
+Ernest Jones and others wrote yet more strongly, but out of all these
+Charles Bradlaugh alone has been selected for reproach, and has had the
+peculiar views of the anonymous author fathered on himself. Why? The
+reason is not far to seek. None of the other writers are active Radical
+politicians, dangerous to the luxurious idleness of the non-producing but
+all-consuming "upper classes" of society. These know how easy it is to
+raise social prejudice against a man by setting afloat the idea that he
+desires to "abolish marriage and the home". It is the most convenient
+poniard and the one most certain to wound. Therefore those whose
+profligacy is notorious, who welcome into their society the Blandfords,
+Aylesburys, and St. Leonards, rave against a man as a "destroyer of
+marriage" whose life is pure, and whose theories on this, as it happens,
+are "orthodox", merely because his honest Atheism shames their
+hypocritical professions, and his sturdy Republicanism menaces their
+corrupt and rotting society.
+
+
+
+XIII.
+
+
+Sometimes my lecturing experiences were not of the smoothest. In June,
+1875, I visited Darwen in Lancashire, and found that stone-throwing was
+considered a fair argument to be addressed to "the Atheist lecturer". On
+my last visit to that place in May, 1884, large and enthusiastic
+audiences attended the lectures, and not a sign of hostility was to be
+seen outside the hall. At Swansea, in March, 1876, the fear of violence
+was so great that no local friend had the courage to take the chair for
+me (a guarantee against damage to the hall had been exacted by the
+proprietor). I had to march on to the platform in solitary state,
+introduce myself, and proceed with my lecture. If violence had been
+intended, none was offered: it would have needed much brutality to charge
+on to a platform occupied by a solitary woman. (By the way, those who
+fancy that a lecturer's life is a luxurious one may note that the Swansea
+lecture spoken of was one of a series of ten, delivered within eight days
+at Wednesbury, Bilston, Kidderminster, Swansea, and Bristol, most of the
+travelling being performed through storm, rain, and snow.) On September,
+4th, 1876, I had rather a lively time at Hoyland, a village near
+Barnsley. A Mr. Hebblethwaite, a Primitive Methodist minister, "prepared
+the way of the" Atheist by pouring out virulent abuse on Atheism in
+general, and this Atheist in particular; two Protestant missionaries
+aided him vigorously, exhorting the pious Christians to "sweep
+Secularists out". The result was a very fair row; I got through the
+lecture, despite many interruptions, but when it was over a regular riot
+ensued; the enraged Christians shook their fists at me, swore at me, and
+finally took to kicking as I passed out to the cab; only one kick,
+however, reached me, and the attempts to overturn the cab were foiled by
+the driver, who put his horse at a gallop. A somewhat barbarous village,
+that same village of Hoyland. Congleton proved even livelier on September
+25th and 26th. Mr. Bradlaugh lectured there on September 25th to an
+accompaniment of broken windows; I was sitting with Mrs. Wolstenholme
+Elmy in front of the platform, and received a rather heavy blow at the
+back of the head from a stone thrown by someone in the room. We had a
+mile and a half to walk from the hall to Mrs. Elmy's house, and this was
+done in the company of a mud-throwing crowd, who yelled curses, hymns,
+and foul words with delightful impartiality. On the following evening I
+was to lecture, and we were escorted to the hall by a stone-throwing
+crowd; while I was lecturing a man shouted "Put her out!" and a
+well-known wrestler of the neighborhood, named Burbery, who had come to
+the hall with seven friends, stood up in the front row and loudly
+interrupted. Mr. Bradlaugh, who was in the chair, told him to sit down,
+and as he persisted in making a noise, informed him that he must either
+be quiet or go out. "Put me out!" said Burbery, striking an attitude. Mr.
+Bradlaugh left the platform and walked up to the noisy swashbuckler, who
+at once grappled with him and tried to throw him; but Mr. Burbery had not
+reckoned on his opponent's strength, and when the "throw" was complete
+Mr. Burbery was underneath. Amid much excitement Mr. Burbery was
+propelled to the door, where he was handed over to the police, and the
+chairman resumed his seat and said "Go on", whereupon on I went and
+finished the lecture. There was plenty more stone-throwing outside, and
+Mrs. Elmy received a cut on the temple, but no serious harm was done--
+except to Christianity.
+
+In the summer of 1875 a strong protest was made by the working classes
+against the grant of £142,000 for the Prince of Wales visit to India, and
+on Sunday, July 18th, I saw for the first time one of the famous "Hyde
+Park Demonstrations". Mr. Bradlaugh called a meeting to support Messrs.
+Taylor, Macdonald, Wilfrid Lawson, Burt, and the other fourteen members
+of the House of Commons who voted in opposition to the grant, and to
+protest against burdening the workers to provide for the amusement of a
+spendthrift prince. I did not go into the meeting, but, with Mr.
+Bradlaugh's two daughters, hovered on the outskirts. A woman is
+considerably in the way in such a gathering, unless the speakers reach
+the platform in carriages, for she is physically unfitted to push her way
+through the dense mass of people, and has therefore to be looked after
+and saved from the crushing pressure of the crowd. I have always thought
+that a man responsible for the order of such huge gatherings ought not to
+be burdened in addition with the responsibility of protecting his female
+friends, and have therefore preferred to take care of myself outside the
+meetings both at Hyde Park and in Trafalgar Square. The method of
+organisation by which the London Radicals have succeeded in holding
+perfectly orderly meetings of enormous size is simple but effective. A
+large number of "marshals" volunteer, and each of these hands in to Mr.
+Bradlaugh a list of the "stewards" he is prepared to bring; the
+"marshals" and "stewards" alike are members of the Radical and Secular
+associations of the metropolis. These officials all wear badges, a
+rosette of the Northampton election colors; directions are given to the
+marshals by Mr. Bradlaugh himself, and each marshal, with his stewards,
+turns up at the appointed place at the appointed time, and does the share
+of the work allotted to him. A ring two or three deep is formed round the
+place whence the speakers are to address the meeting, and those who form
+the ring stand linked arm-in-arm, making a living barrier round this
+empty spot. There a platform, brought thither in pieces, is screwed
+together, and into this enclosure only the chosen speakers and newspaper
+reporters are admitted. The marshals and stewards who are not told off
+for guarding the platform are distributed over the ground which the
+meeting is to occupy, and act as guardians of order.
+
+The Hyde Park meeting against the royal grant was a thoroughly successful
+one, and a large number of protests came up from all parts of the
+country. Being from the poorer classes, they were of course disregarded,
+but none the less was a strong agitation against royal grants carried on
+throughout the autumn and winter months. The National Secular Society
+determined to gather signatures to a "monster petition against royal
+grants", and the superintendence of this was placed in my hands. The
+petition was drafted by Mr. Bradlaugh, and ran as follows:--
+
+"TO THE HONORABLE THE COMMONS OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND, IN PARLIAMENT
+ASSEMBLED.
+
+"The humble petition of the undersigned,
+
+"Prays,--That no further grant or allowance may be made to any member of
+the Royal Family until an account shall have been laid before your
+Honorable House, showing the total real and personal estates and incomes
+of each and every member of the said Royal Family who shall be in receipt
+of any pension or allowance, and also showing all posts and places of
+profit severally held by members of the said Royal Family, and also
+showing all pensions, if any, formerly charged on any estates now enjoyed
+by any member or members of the said Royal Family, and in case any such
+pensions shall have been transferred, showing how and at what date such
+transfer took place."
+
+Day after day, week after week, month after month, the postman delivered
+rolls of paper, little and big, each roll containing names and addresses
+of men and woman who protested against the waste of public money on our
+greedy and never-satisfied Royal House. The sheets often bore the marks
+of the places to which they had been carried; from a mining district some
+would come coal-dust-blackened, which had been signed in the mines by
+workers who grudged to idleness the fruits of toil; from an agricultural
+district the sheets bore often far too many "crosses", the "marks" of
+those whom Church and landlord had left in ignorance, regarding them only
+as machines for sowing and reaping. From September, 1875, to March, 1876,
+they came in steady stream, and each was added to the ever-lengthening
+roll which lay in one corner of my sitting-room and which assumed ever
+larger and larger proportions. At last the work was over, and on June
+16th, 1876, the "monster"--rolled on a mahogany pole presented by a
+London friend, and encased in American cloth--was placed in a carriage to
+be conveyed to the House of Commons; the heading ran: "The petition of
+the undersigned Charles Bradlaugh, Annie Besant, Charles Watts, and
+102,934 others". Unrolled, it was nearly a mile in length, and a very
+happy time we had in rolling the last few hundred yards. When we arrived
+at the House, Mr. Bradlaugh and Mr. Watts carried the petition up
+Westminster Hall, each holding one end of the mahogany pole. Messrs. Burt
+and Macdonald took charge of the "monster" at the door of the House, and,
+carrying it in, presented it in due form. The presentation caused
+considerable excitement both in the House and in the press, and the
+_Newcastle Daily Chronicle_ said some kindly words of the "labor and
+enthusiasm" bestowed on the petition by myself.
+
+At the beginning of August, 1875, the first attempt to deprive me of my
+little daughter, Mabel, was made, but fortunately proved unsuccessful.
+The story of the trick played is told in the _National Reformer_ of
+August 22nd, and I quote it just as it appeared there :--
+
+"PERSONAL.--Mrs. Annie Besant, as some of our readers are aware, was the
+wife of a Church of England clergyman, the Rev. Frank Besant, Vicar of
+Sibsey, near Boston, in Lincolnshire. There is no need, _at present_, to
+say anything about the earlier portion of her married life; but when Mrs.
+Besant's opinions on religious matters became liberal, the conduct of her
+husband rendered a separation absolutely necessary, and in 1873 a formal
+deed of separation was drawn up, and duly executed. Under this deed Mrs.
+Besant is entitled to the sole custody and control of her infant daughter
+Mabel until the child becomes of age, with the proviso that the little
+girl is to visit her father for one month in each year. Having recently
+obtained possession of the person of the little child under cover of the
+annual visit, the Rev. Mr. Besant sought to deprive Mrs. Besant entirely
+of her daughter, on the ground of Mrs. Besant's Atheism. Vigorous steps
+were at once taken by Messrs. Lewis and Lewis (to whom our readers will
+remember we entrusted the case of Mr. Lennard against Mr. Woolrych), by
+whose advice Mrs. Besant at once went down herself to Sibsey to demand
+the child; the little girl had been hidden, and was not at the Vicarage,
+but we are glad to report that Mrs. Besant has, after some little
+difficulty, recovered the custody of her daughter. It was decided against
+Percy Bysshe Shelley that an Atheist father could not be the guardian of
+his own children. If this law be appealed to, and anyone dares to enforce
+it, we shall contest it step by step; and while we are out of England, we
+know that in case of any attempt to retake the child by force we may
+safely leave our new advocate to the protection of the stout arms of our
+friends, who will see that no injustice of this kind is done her. So far
+as the law courts are concerned, we have the most complete confidence in
+Mr. George Henry Lewis, and we shall fight the case to House of Lords if
+need be.
+
+CHARLES BRADLAUGH."
+
+The attempt to take the child from me by force indeed failed, but later
+the theft was successfully carried out by due process of law. It is
+always a blunder from a tactical point of view for a Christian to use
+methods of illegal violence in persecuting an Atheist in this Christian
+land; legal violence is a far safer weapon, for courage can checkmate the
+first, while it is helpless before the second. All Christians who adopt
+the sound old principle that "no faith need be kept with the heretic"
+should remember that they can always guard themselves against unpleasant
+consequences by breaking faith under cover of the laws against heresy,
+which still remain on our Statute Book _ad majorem Dei gloriam_.
+
+In September, 1875, Mr. Bradlaugh again sailed for America, leaving
+plenty of work to be done by his colleagues before he returned. The
+Executive of the National Secular Society had determined to issue a
+"Secular Song Book", and the task of selection and of editing was
+confided to me. The little book was duly issued, and ran through two
+editions; then, feeling that it was marred by many sins both of
+commission and omission, I set my face against the publication of a third
+edition, hoping that a compilation more worthy of Free Thought might be
+made. I am half inclined to take the matter up again, and set to work at
+a fresh collection.
+
+The delivery and publication of a course of six lectures on the early
+part of the French Revolution was another portion of that autumn's work;
+they involved a large amount of labor, as I had determined to tell the
+story from the people's point of view, and was therefore compelled to
+read a large amount of the current literature of the time, as well as the
+great standard histories of Louis Blanc, Michelet, and others.
+Fortunately for me, Mr. Bradlaugh had a splendid collection of works on
+the subject, and before he left England he brought to me two cabs full of
+books, French and English, from all points of view, aristocratic,
+ecclesiastical, democratic, and I studied these diligently and
+impartially until the French Revolution became to me as a drama in which
+I had myself taken part, and the actors therein became personal friends
+and foes. In this, again, as in so much of my public work, I have to
+thank Mr. Bradlaugh for the influence which led me to read fully all
+sides of a question, and to read most carefully those from which I
+differed most, ere I judged myself competent to write or to speak
+thereon.
+
+The late autumn was clouded by the news of Mr. Bradlaugh's serious
+illness in America. After struggling for some time against ill-health he
+was struck down by an attack of pleurisy, to which soon was added typhoid
+fever, and for a time lay at the brink of the grave. Dr. Otis, his able
+physician, finding that it was impossible to give him the necessary
+attendance at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, put him into his own carriage and
+drove him to the Hospital of St. Luke's, where he confided him to the
+care of Dr. Leaming, himself also visiting him daily. Of this illness the
+_Baltimore Advertiser_ wrote:
+
+"Mr. Charles Bradlaugh, the famous English Radical lecturer, has been so
+very dangerously ill that his life has almost been despaired of. He was
+taken ill at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, and partially recovered; but on the
+day upon which a lecture had been arranged from him before the Liberal
+Club he was taken down a second time with a relapse, which has been very
+near proving fatal. The cause was overwork and complete nervous
+prostration which brought on low fever. His physician has allowed one
+friend only to see him daily for five minutes, and removed him to St.
+Luke's Hospital for the sake of the absolute quiet, comfort, and
+intelligent attendance he could secure there, and for which he was glad
+to pay munificently. This long and severe illness has disappointed the
+hopes and retarded the object for which he came to this country; but he
+is gentleness and patience itself in his sickness in this strange land,
+and has endeared himself greatly to his physicians and attendants by his
+gratitude and appreciation of the slightest attention."
+
+There is no doubt that the care so willingly lavished on the English
+stranger saved his life, and those who in England honor Charles Bradlaugh
+as chief and love him as friend must always keep in grateful memory those
+who in his sorest need served him so nobly well. Those who think that an
+Atheist cannot calmly face the prospect of death might well learn a
+lesson from the fortitude and courage shown by an Atheist as he lay at
+the point of death, far from home and from all he loved best. The Rev.
+Mr. Frothingham bore public and admiring testimony in his own church to
+Mr. Bradlaugh's perfect serenity, at once fearless and unpretending, and,
+himself a Theist, gave willing witness to the Atheist's calm strength.
+
+Mr. Bradlaugh returned to England at the end of December, worn to a
+shadow and terribly weak, and for many a long month he bore the traces of
+his wrestle with death. Indeed, he felt the effect of the illness for
+years, for typhoid fever is a foe whose weapons leave scars even after
+the healing of the wounds it inflicts.
+
+The first work done by Mr. Bradlaugh on resuming the editorial chair of
+the _National Reformer_, was to indite a vigorous protest against the
+investment of national capital in the Suez Canal Shares. He exposed the
+financial condition of Egypt, gave detail after detail of the Khedive's
+indebtedness, unveiled the rottenness of the Egyptian Government, warned
+the people of the danger of taking the first steps in a path which must
+lead to continual interference in Egyptian finance, denounced the
+shameful job perpetrated by Mr. Disraeli in borrowing the money for the
+purchase from the Rothschilds at enormous interest. His protest was, of
+course, useless, but its justice has been proved by the course of events.
+The bombarding of Alexandria, the shameful repression of the national
+movement in Egypt, the wholesale and useless slaughter in the Soudan, the
+waste of English lives and English money, the new burden of debt and of
+responsibility now assumed by the Government, all these are the results
+of the fatal purchase of shares in the Suez Canal by Mr. Disraeli; yet
+against the chorus of praise which resounded from every side when the
+purchase was announced, but one voice of disapproval and of warning was
+raised at first; others soon caught the warning and saw the dangers it
+pointed out, but for awhile Charles Bradlaugh stood alone in his
+opposition, and to him belongs the credit of at once seeing the peril
+which lay under the purchase.
+
+The 1876 Conference of the National Secular Society held at Leeds showed
+the growing power of the organisation, and was made notable by a very
+pleasant incident--the presentation to a miner, William Washington, of a
+silver tea-pot and some books, in recognition of a very noble act of
+self-devotion. An explosion had occurred on December 6th, 1875, at
+Swaithe Main pit, in which 143 miners were killed; a miner belonging to a
+neighboring pit, named William Washington, an Atheist, when every one was
+hanging back, sprang into the cage to descend into the pit in forlorn
+hope of rescue, when to descend seemed almost certain death. Others
+swiftly followed the gallant volunteer, but he had set the example, and
+it was felt by the Executive of the National Secular Society that his
+heroism deserved recognition, William Washington set his face against any
+gift to himself, so the subscription to a testimonial was limited to 6d.,
+and a silver teapot was presented to him for his wife and some books for
+his children. At this same Conference a committee was appointed,
+consisting of Messrs. Charles Bradlaugh, G.J. Holyoake, C. Watts, R.A.
+Cooper,--Gimson, T. Slater, and Mrs. Besant, to draw up a fresh statement
+of the principles and objects of the National Secular Society; it was
+decided that this statement should be submitted to the ensuing
+Conference, that the deliberation on the report of the Committee should
+"be open to all Freethinkers, but that only those will be entitled to
+vote on the ratification who declare their determination to enter the
+Society on the basis of the ratified constitution". It was hoped that by
+this means various scattered and independent societies might be brought
+into union, and that the National Secular Society might he thereby
+strengthened. The committee held a very large number of meetings and
+finally decided on the following statement, which was approved of at the
+Conference held at Nottingham in 1877, and stands now as the "Principles
+and Object of the National Secular Society":--
+
+"The National Secular Society has been formed to maintain the principles
+and rights of Freethought, and to direct their application to the Secular
+improvement of this life.
+
+"By the principle of Freethought is meant the exercise of the
+understanding upon relevant facts, and independently of penal or priestly
+intimidation.
+
+"By the rights of Freethought are meant the liberty of free criticism for
+the security of truth, and the liberty of free publicity for the
+extension of truth.
+
+"Secularism relates to the present existence of man, and to actions the
+issue of which can be tested by experience.
+
+"It declares that the promotion of human improvement and happiness is the
+highest duty, and that morality is to be tested by utility.
+
+"That in order to promote effectually the improvement and happiness of
+mankind, every individual of the human family ought to be well placed and
+well instructed, and that all who are of a suitable age ought to be
+usefully employed for their own and the general good.
+
+"That human improvement and happiness cannot be effectually promoted
+without civil and religious liberty; and that, therefore, it is the duty
+of every individual to actively attack all barriers to equal freedom of
+thought and utterance for all, upon political, theological, and social
+subjects.
+
+"A Secularist is one who deduces his moral duties from considerations
+which pertain to this life, and who, practically recognising the above
+duties, devotes himself to the promotion of the general good.
+
+"The object of the National Secular Society is to disseminate the above
+principles by every legitimate means in its power."
+
+At this same Conference of Leeds was inaugurated the subscription to the
+statue to be erected in Rome to the memory of Giordano Bruno, burned in
+that city for Atheism in 1600; this resulted in the collection of £60.
+
+The Executive appointed by the Leeds Conference made great efforts to
+induce the Freethinkers of the country to work for the repeal of the
+Blasphemy Laws, and in October 1876 they issued a copy of a petition
+against those evil laws to every one of the forty branches of the
+Society. The effort proved, however, of little avail. The laws had not
+been put in force for a long time, and were regarded with apathy as being
+obsolete, and it has needed the cruel imprisonments inflicted by Mr.
+Justice North on Messrs. Foote, Ramsey, and Kemp, to arouse the
+Freethought party to a sense of their duty in the matter.
+
+The year 1877 had scarcely opened ere we found ourselves with a serious
+fight on our hands. A pamphlet written early in the present century by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D., entitled "The Fruits of Philosophy", which had
+been sold unchallenged in England for nearly forty years, was suddenly
+seized at Bristol as an obscene publication. The book had been supplied
+in the ordinary course of business by Mr. Charles Watts, but the Bristol
+bookseller had altered its price, had inserted some indecent pictures in
+it, and had sold it among literature to which the word obscene was fairly
+applied. In itself, Dr. Knowlton's work was merely a physiological
+treatise, and it advocated conjugal prudence and parental responsibility;
+it argued in favor of early marriage, but as over-large families among
+persons of limited incomes imply either pauperism, or lack of necessary
+food, clothing, education, and fair start in life for the children, Dr.
+Knowlton advocated the restriction of the number of the family within the
+means of existence, and stated the means by which this restriction should
+be carried out. On hearing of the prosecution, Mr. Watts went down to
+Bristol, and frankly announced himself as the publisher of the book. Soon
+after his return to London he was arrested on the charge of having
+published an obscene book, and was duly liberated on bail. Mr. and Mrs.
+Watts, Mr. Bradlaugh and myself met to arrange our plan of united action
+on Friday, January 12th, and it was decided that Mr. Watts should defend
+the book, that a fund should at once be raised for his legal expenses,
+and that once more the right of publication of useful knowledge in a
+cheap form should be defended by the leaders of the Freethought party.
+After long and friendly discussion we separated with the plan of the
+campaign arranged, and it was decided that I should claim the sympathy
+and help of the Plymouth friends, whom I was to address on the following
+Sunday, January 14th. I went down to Plymouth on January 13th, and there
+received a telegram from Mr. Watts, saying that a change of plan had been
+decided on. I was puzzled, but none the less I appealed for help as I had
+promised to do, and a collection of £8 1s. 10d. for Mr. Watts' Defence
+Fund was made after my evening lecture. To my horror, on returning to
+London, I found that Mr. Watts had given way before the peril of
+imprisonment, and had decided to plead guilty to the charge of publishing
+an obscene book, and to throw himself on the mercy of the Court, relying
+on his previous good character and on an alleged ignorance of the
+contents of the incriminated work. The latter plea we knew to be false,
+for Mr. Watts before going down to Bristol to declare himself responsible
+for the pamphlet had carefully read it and had marked all the passages
+which, being physiological, might be attacked as "obscene". This marked
+copy he had sent to the Bristol bookseller, before he himself went to
+Bristol to attend the trial, and under these circumstances any pretence
+of ignorance of the contents of the book was transparently inaccurate.
+Mr. Watts' surrender, of course, upset all the arrangements we had agreed
+on; Mr. Bradlaugh and myself were prepared to stand by him in battle, but
+not in surrender. I at once returned to the Secretary of the Plymouth
+Branch the money collected for defence, not for capitulation, and Mr.
+Bradlaugh published the following brief statement in the _National
+Reformer_ for January 21st:
+
+"PROSECUTION OF Mr. CHARLES WATTS.--Mr. Charles Watts, as most of our
+readers will have already learned, has been committed for trial at the
+Central Criminal Court for February 5th, for misdemeanor, for publication
+of a work on the population question, entitled "Fruits of Philosophy", by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D. This book has been openly published in England and
+America for more than thirty years. It was sold in England by James
+Watson, who always bore the highest repute. On James Watson's retirement
+from business it was sold by Holyoake & Co., at Fleet Street House, and
+was afterwards sold by Mr. Austin Holyoake until the time of his death;
+and a separate edition was, up till last week, still sold by Mr. Brooks,
+of 282, Strand, W.C. When Mr. James Watson died, Mr. Charles Watts bought
+from James Watson's widow a large quantity of stereotype plates,
+including this work. If this book is to be condemned as obscene, so also
+in my opinion must be many published by Messrs. W.H. Smith & Son, and
+other publishers, against whose respectability no imputation has been
+made. Such books as Darwin's 'Origin of Species' and 'Descent of Man'
+must immediately be branded as obscene, while no medical work must be
+permitted publication; and all theological works, like those of Dulaure,
+Inman, etc., dealing with ancient creeds, must at once be suppressed. The
+bulk of the publications of the society for the repeal of the Contagious
+Diseases Acts, together with its monthly organ, the _Shield_, would be
+equally liable. The issue of the greater part of classic authors, and of
+Lemprière, Shakspere, Sterne, Fielding, Richardson, Rabelais, etc., must
+be stopped: while the Bible--containing obscene passages omitted from the
+lectionary--must no longer be permitted circulation. All these contain
+obscenity which is either inserted to amuse or to instruct, and the
+medical work now assailed deals with physiological points purely to
+instruct, and to increase the happiness of men and women.
+
+"If the pamphlet now prosecuted had been brought to me for publication, I
+should probably have declined to publish it, not because of the
+subject-matter, but because I do not like its style. If I had once
+published it, I should defend it until the very last. Here Mr. Watts and
+myself disagree in opinion; and as he is the person chiefly concerned, it
+is, of course, right that his decision should determine what is done. He
+tells me that he thinks the pamphlet indefensible, and that he was misled
+in publishing it without examination as part of James Watson's stock. I
+think it ought to be fought right through. Under these circumstances I
+can only leave Mr. Watts to speak for himself, as we so utterly differ in
+opinion on this case that I cease to be his proper interpreter. I have,
+therefore, already offered Mr. Watts the columns of the _National
+Reformer_, that he may put before the party his view of the case, which
+he does in another column."--C. BRADLAUGH.
+
+
+
+XIV.
+
+
+Up to this time (January, 1877) Mr. Watts had acted as sub-editor of the
+_National Reformer_, and printer and publisher of the books and pamphlets
+issued by Mr. Bradlaugh and myself. The continuance of this common work
+obviously became impossible after Mr. Watts had determined to surrender
+one of his publications under threat of prosecution. We felt that for two
+main reasons we could no longer publicly associate ourselves with him:
+(1) We could not retain on our publications the name of a man who had
+pleaded guilty to the publication of an obscene work; (2) Many of our
+writings were liable to prosecution for blasphemy, and it was necessary
+that we should have a publisher who could be relied on to stand firm in
+time of peril; we felt that if Mr. Watts surrendered one thing he would
+be likely to surrender others. This feeling on my part was strengthened
+by the remembrance of a request of his made a few months before, that I
+would print my own name instead of his as publisher of a political song I
+had issued, on the ground that it might come within the law of seditious
+libel. I had readily acceded at the time, but when absolute surrender
+under attack followed on timid precaution against attack, I felt that a
+bolder publisher was necessary to me. No particular blame should be laid
+on persons who are constitutionally timid; they have their own line of
+usefulness, and are often pleasant and agreeable folk enough; but they
+are out of place in the front rank of a fighting movement, for their
+desertion in face of the enemy means added danger for those left to carry
+on the fight. We therefore decided to sever ourselves from Mr. Watts; and
+Mr. Bradlaugh, in the _National Reformer_ of January 28th, inserted the
+following statement:
+
+"The divergence of opinion between myself and Mr. Charles Watts is so
+complete on the Knowlton case, that he has already ceased to be
+sub-editor of this journal, and I have given him notice determining our
+connexion on and from March 25th. My reasons for this course are as
+follows. The Knowlton pamphlet is either decent or indecent. If decent it
+ought to be defended; if indecent it should never have been published. To
+judge it indecent is to condemn, with the most severe condemnation, James
+Watson whom I respected, and Austin Holyoake with whom I worked. I hold
+the work to be defensible, and I deny the right of any one to interfere
+with the full and free discussion of social questions affecting the
+happiness of the nation. The struggle for a free press has been one of
+the marks of the Freethought Party throughout its history, and as long as
+the Party permits me to hold its flag, I will never voluntarily lower it.
+I have no right and no power to dictate to Mr. Watts the course he should
+pursue, but I have the right and duty to refuse to associate my name with
+a submission which is utterly repugnant to my nature, and inconsistent
+with my whole career."
+
+After a long discussion, Mr. Bradlaugh and I made up our minds as to the
+course we would pursue. We decided that we would never again place
+ourselves at a publisher's mercy, but would ensure the defence of all we
+published by publishing everything ourselves; we resolved to become
+printers and publishers, and to take any small place we could find and
+open it as a Freethought shop. I undertook the sub-editorship of the
+_National Reformer_, and the weekly Summary of News, which had hitherto
+been done by Mr. Watts, was placed in the hands of Mr. Bradlaugh's
+daughters. The next thing to do was to find a publishing office.
+Somewhere within reach of Fleet Street the office must be; small it must
+be, as we had no funds and the risk of starting a business of which we
+knew nothing was great. Still "all things are possible to" those who are
+resolute; we discovered a tumble-down little place in Stonecutter Street
+and secured it by the good offices of our friend, Mr. Charles Herbert; we
+borrowed a few hundred pounds from personal friends, and made our new
+tenement habitable; we drew up a deed of partnership, founding the
+"Freethought Publishing Company", Mr. Bradlaugh and myself being the only
+partners; we engaged Mr. W.J. Ramsey as manager of the business; and in
+the _National Reformer_ of February 25th we were able to announce:
+
+"The publishing office of the _National Reformer_ and of all the works of
+Charles Bradlaugh and Annie Besant is now at 28, Stonecutter Street,
+E.C., three doors from Farringdon Street, where the manager, Mr. W.J.
+Ramsey, will be glad to receive orders for the supply of any Freethought
+literature".
+
+A week later we issued the following address:
+
+"ADDRESS FROM THE FREETHOUGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY TO THE READERS OF THE
+'NATIONAL REFORMER'.
+
+"When the prospectus of the _National Reformer_ was issued by the
+founder, Charles Bradlaugh, in 1859, he described its policy as
+'Atheistic in theology, Republican in politics, and Malthusian in social
+economy', and a free platform was promised and has been maintained for
+the discussion of each of these topics. In ventilating the population
+question the stand taken by Mr. Bradlaugh, both here and on the platform,
+is well known to our old readers, and many works bearing on this vital
+subject have been advertised and reviewed in these columns. In this the
+_National Reformer_ has followed the course pursued by Mr. George Jacob
+Holyoake, who in 1853 published a 'Freethought Directory', giving a list
+of the various books supplied from the 'Fleet Street House', and which
+list contained amongst others:
+
+"'Anti-Marcus on the Population Question.'
+
+"Fowler's Tracts on Physiology, etc.
+
+"Dr. C. Knowlton's 'Fruits of Philosophy'.
+
+"'Moral Physiology: a plain treatise on the Population Question.'
+
+"In this Directory Mr. G.J. Holyoake says:
+
+"'No. 147 Fleet Street is a Central Secular Book Depot, where all works
+extant in the English language on the side of Freethought in Religion,
+Politics, Morals, and Culture are kept in stock, or are procured at short
+notice.'
+
+"We shall try to do at 28 Stonecutter Street that which Mr. Holyoake's
+Directory promised for Fleet Street House.
+
+"The partners in the Freethought Publishing Company are Annie Besant and
+Charles Bradlaugh, who have entered into a legal partnership for the
+purpose of sharing the legal responsibility of the works they publish.
+
+"We intend to publish nothing that we do not think we can morally defend.
+All that we do publish we shall defend. We do not mean that we shall
+agree with all we publish, but we shall, so far as we can, try to keep
+the possibility of free utterance of earnest, honest opinion.
+
+"It may not be out of place here to remind new readers of this journal of
+that which old readers well know, that no articles are editorial except
+those which are unsigned or bear the name of the editor, or that of the
+sub-editor; for each and every other article the author is allowed to say
+his own say in his own way; the editor only furnishes the means to
+address our readers, leaving to him or to her the right and
+responsibility of divergent thought.
+
+"ANNIE BESANT
+"CHARLES BRADLAUGH."
+
+Thus we found ourselves suddenly launched on a new undertaking, and with
+some amusement and much trepidation I realised that I was "in business",
+with business knowledge amounting to _nil_. I had, however, fair ability
+and plenty of goodwill, and I determined to learn my work, feeling proud
+that I had become one of the list of "Freethought publishers", who
+published for love of the cause of freedom, and risked all for the
+triumph of a principle ere it wore "silver slippers and walked in the
+sunshine with applause".
+
+On February 8th Mr. Watts was tried at the Old Bailey. He withdrew his
+plea of "Not Guilty", and pleaded "Guilty". His counsel urged that he was
+a man of good character, that Mr. George Jacob Holyoake had sold the
+incriminated pamphlet, that Mr. Watts had bought the stereo-plates of it
+in the stock of the late Mr. Austin Holyoake, which he had taken over
+bodily, and that he had never read the book until after the Bristol
+investigation. "Mr. Watts pledges himself to me", the counsel stated,
+"that he was entirely ignorant of the contents of this pamphlet until he
+heard passages read from it in the prosecution at Bristol". The counsel
+for the prosecution pointed out that this statement was inaccurate, and
+read passages from Mr. Watts' deposition made on the first occasion at
+Bristol, in which Mr. Watts stated that he had perused the book, and was
+prepared to justify it as a medical work. He, however, did not wish to
+press the case, if the plates and stock were destroyed, and Mr. Watts was
+accordingly discharged on his own recognisances in £500 to come up for
+judgment when called on.
+
+While this struggle was raging, an old friend of Mr. Bradlaugh's, Mr.
+George Odger, was slowly passing away; the good old man lay dying in his
+poor lodgings in High Street, Oxford Street, and I find recorded in the
+_National Reformer_ of March 4th, that on February 28th we had been to
+see him, and that "he is very feeble and is, apparently, sinking fast;
+but he is as brave and bright, facing his last enemy, as he has ever been
+facing his former ones". He died on March 4th, and was buried in Brompton
+Cemetery on the 10th of the same month.
+
+A grave question now lay before us for decision. The Knowlton pamphlet
+had been surrendered; was that surrender to stand as the last word of the
+Freethought party on a book which had been sold by the most prominent men
+in its ranks for forty years? To our minds such surrender, left
+unchallenged, would be a stain on all who submitted to it, and we decided
+that faulty as the book was in many respects it had yet become the symbol
+of a great principle, of the right to circulate physiological knowledge
+among the poor in pamphlets published at a price they could afford to
+pay. Deliberately counting the risk, recognising that by our action we
+should subject ourselves to the vilest slander, knowing that Christian
+malice would misrepresent and ignorance would echo the misrepresentation
+--we yet resolved that the sacrifice must be made, and made by us in
+virtue of our position in the Freethought Party. If the leaders flinched
+how could the followers be expected to fight? The greatest sacrifice had
+to be made by Mr. Bradlaugh. How would an indictment for publishing an
+obscene book affect his candidature for Northampton? What a new weapon
+for his foes, what a new difficulty for his friends! I may say here that
+our worst forebodings were realised by the event; we have been assailed
+as "vendors of obscene literature", as "writers of obscene books", as
+"living by the circulation of filthy books". And it is because such
+accusations have been widely made that I here place on permanent record
+the facts of the case, for thus, at least, some honest opponents will
+learn the truth and will cease to circulate the slanders they may have
+repeated in ignorance.
+
+On February 27th our determination to republish the Knowlton pamphlet was
+announced by Mr. Bradlaugh in an address delivered by him at the Hall of
+Science on "The Right of Publication". Extracts from a brief report,
+published in the _National Reformer_ of March 11th, will show the drift
+of his statement:
+
+"Mr. Bradlaugh was most warmly welcomed to the platform, and reiterated
+cheers greeted him as he rose to make his speech. Few who heard him that
+evening will forget the passion and the pathos with which he spoke. The
+defence of the right to publish was put as strongly and as firmly as
+words could put it, and the determination to maintain that right, in dock
+and in jail as on the platform, rang out with no uncertain sound. Truly,
+as the orator said: 'The bold words I have spoken from this place would
+be nothing but the emptiest brag and the coward's boast, if I flinched
+now in the day of battle'. Every word of praise of the fighters of old
+would fall in disgrace on the head of him who spoke it, if when the time
+came to share in their peril he shrunk back from the danger of the
+strife.... Mr. Bradlaugh drew a graphic picture of the earlier struggles
+for a free press, and then dealt with the present state of the law; from
+that he passed on to the pamphlet which is the test-question of the hour;
+he pointed out how some parts of it were foolish, such as the
+'philosophical proem', but remarked that he knew no right in law to
+forbid the publication of all save wisdom; he then showed how, had he
+originally been asked to publish the pamphlet, he should have raised some
+objections to its style, but that was a very different matter from
+permitting the authorities to stop its sale; the style of many books
+might be faulty without the books being therefore obscene. He contended
+the book was a perfectly moral medical work, and was no more indecent
+than every other medical work dealing with the same subject. The
+knowledge it gave was useful knowledge; many a young man might be saved
+from disease by such a knowledge as was contained in the book; if it was
+argued that such books should not be sold at so cheap a rate, he replied
+that it was among the masses that such physiological knowledge was
+needed, 'and if there is one subject above all others', he exclaimed,
+'for which a man might gladly sacrifice his hopes and his life, surely it
+is for that which would relieve his fellow-men from poverty, the mother
+of crimes, and would make happy homes where now only want and suffering
+reign'. He had fully counted the cost; he knew all he might lose; but
+Carlile before him had been imprisoned for teaching the same doctrine,
+'and what Carlile did for his day, I, while health and strength remain,
+will do for mine'."
+
+The position we took up in republishing the pamphlet was clearly stated
+in the preface which we wrote for it, and which I here reprint, as it
+gives plainly and briefly the facts of the case:
+
+"PUBLISHERS' PREFACE TO DR. KNOWLTON'S 'FRUITS OF PHILOSOPHY'.
+
+"The pamphlet which we now present to the public is one which has been
+lately prosecuted under Lord Campbell's Act, and which we now republish
+in order to test the right of publication. It was originally written by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D., an American physician, whose degree entitles him
+to be heard with respect on a medical question. It is openly sold and
+widely circulated in America at the present time. It was first published
+in England, about forty years ago, by James Watson, the gallant Radical
+who came to London and took up Richard Carlile's work when Carlile was in
+jail. He sold it unchallenged for many years, approved it, and
+recommended it. It was printed and published by Messrs. Holyoake and Co.,
+and found its place, with other works of a similar character, in their
+'Freethought Directory' of 1853, and was thus identified with Freethought
+literature at the then leading Freethought _depôt_ . Mr. Austin Holyoake,
+working in conjunction with Mr. Bradlaugh at the _National Reformer_
+office, Johnson's Court, printed and published it in his turn, and this
+well-known Freethought advocate, in his 'Large or Small Families'.
+selected this pamphlet, together with R.D. Owen's 'Moral Physiology' and
+the 'Elements of Social Science', for special recommendation. Mr. Charles
+Watts, succeeding to Mr. Austin Holyoake's business, continued the sale,
+and when Mr. Watson died in 1875, he bought the plates of the work (with
+others) from Mrs. Watson, and continued to advertise and to sell it until
+December 23rd, 1876. For the last forty years the book has thus been
+identified with Freethought, advertised by leading Freethinkers,
+published under the sanction of their names, and sold in the
+head-quarters of Freethought literature. If during this long period the
+party has thus--without one word of protest--circulated an indecent work,
+the less we talk about Freethought morality the better; the work has been
+largely sold, and if leading Freethinkers have sold it--profiting by the
+sale--in mere carelessness, few words could be strong enough to brand the
+indifference which thus scattered obscenity broadcast over the land. The
+pamphlet has been withdrawn from circulation in consequence of the
+prosecution instituted against Mr. Charles Watts, but the question of its
+legality or illegality has not been tried; a plea of 'Guilty' was put in
+by the publisher, and the book, therefore, was not examined, nor was any
+judgment passed upon it; no jury registered a verdict, and the judge
+stated that he had not read the work.
+
+"We republish this pamphlet, honestly believing that on all questions
+affecting the happiness of the people, whether they be theological,
+political, or social, fullest right of free discussion ought to be
+maintained at all hazards. We do not personally endorse all that Dr.
+Knowlton says: his 'Philosophical Proem' seems to us full of
+philosophical mistakes, and--as we are neither of us doctors--we are not
+prepared to endorse his medical views; but since progress can only be
+made through discussion, and no discussion is possible where differing
+opinions are suppressed, we claim the right to publish all opinions, so
+that the public, enabled to see all sides of a question, may have the
+materials for forming a sound judgment.
+
+"The alterations made are very slight; the book was badly printed, and
+errors of spelling and a few clumsy grammatical expressions have been
+corrected; the sub-title has been changed, and in one case four lines
+have been omitted, because they are repeated word for word further on. We
+have, however, made some additions to the pamphlet, which are in all
+cases kept distinct from the original text. Physiology has made great
+strides during the past forty years, and not considering it right to
+circulate erroneous physiology, we submitted the pamphlet to a doctor in
+whose accurate knowledge we have the fullest confidence, and who is
+widely known in all parts of the world as the author of the "Elements of
+Social Science"; the notes signed "G.R." are written by this gentleman.
+References to other works are given in foot notes for the assistance of
+the reader, if he desires to study the subject further.
+
+"Old Radicals will remember that Richard Carlile published a work
+entitled 'Every Woman's Book', which deals with the same subject, and
+advocates the same object, as Dr. Knowlton's pamphlet. E.D. Owen objected
+to the 'style and tone' of Carlile's 'Every Woman's Book' as not being
+'in good taste', and he wrote his 'Moral Physiology', to do in America
+what Carlile's work was intended to do in England. This work of Carlile's
+was stigmatised as 'indecent' and 'immoral' because it advocated, as does
+Dr. Knowlton's, the use of preventive checks to population. In striving
+to carry on Carlile's work, we cannot expect to escape Carlile's
+reproach, but whether applauded or condemned we mean to carry it on,
+socially as well as politically and theologically.
+
+"We believe, with the Rev. Mr. Malthus, that population has a tendency to
+increase faster than the means of existence, and that _some_ checks must
+therefore exercise control over population; the checks now exercised are
+semi-starvation and preventible disease; the enormous mortality among the
+infants of the poor is one of the checks which now keeps down the
+population. The checks that ought to control population are scientific,
+and it is these which we advocate. We think it more moral to prevent the
+conception of children, than, after they are born, to murder them by want
+of food, air, and clothing. We advocate scientific checks to population,
+because, so long as poor men have large families, pauperism is a
+necessity, and from pauperism grow crime and disease. The wage which
+would support the parents and two or three children in comfort and
+decency is utterly insufficient to maintain a family of twelve or
+fourteen, and we consider it a crime to bring into the world human beings
+doomed to misery or to premature death. It is not only the hand-working
+classes which are concerned in this question. The poor curate, the
+struggling man of business, the young professional man, are often made
+wretched for life by their inordinately large families, and their years
+are passed in one long battle to live; meanwhile the woman's health is
+sacrificed and her life embittered from the same cause. To all of these,
+we point the way of relief and of happiness; for the sake of these we
+publish what others fear to issue, and we do it, confident that if we
+fail the first time, we shall succeed at last, and that the English
+public will not permit the authorities to stifle a discussion of the most
+important social question which can influence a nation's welfare.
+
+"CHARLES BRADLAUGH.
+"ANNIE BESANT."
+
+We advertised the sale of the pamphlet in the _National Reformer_ of
+March 25th (published March 22nd) in the following words:
+
+FRUITS OF PHILOSOPHY. By CHARLES KNOWLTON, M.D. PRICE SIXPENCE.
+
+This Pamphlet will be republished on Saturday, March 24th, _in extenso_,
+with some additional Medical Notes by a London Doctor of Medicine. It
+will be on sale at 28, Stonecutter Street, E.G., after 4 p.m. until close
+of shop. No one need apply before this time, as none will be on sale. Mr.
+Charles Bradlaugh and Mrs. Annie Besant will be in attendance from that
+hour, and will sell personally the first hundred copies.
+
+FREETHOUGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY, 28, Stonecutter Street, E.C.
+
+In addition to this we ourselves delivered copies on March 23rd to Mr.
+Martin, the Chief Clerk of the magistrates at Guildhall, to the officer
+in charge at the City Police Office in Old Jewry, and to the Solicitor
+for the City of London. With each pamphlet we handed in a notice that we
+should attend personally to sell the book on March 24th, at Stonecutter
+Street, from 4 to 5 p.m. These precautions were taken in order to force
+the authorities to prosecute us, and not any of our subordinates, if they
+prosecuted at all. The account of the first sale will interest many:
+
+"On Saturday we went down to Stonecutter Street, accompanied by the
+Misses Bradlaugh and Mr. and Mrs. Touzeau Parris; we arrived at No. 28 at
+three minutes to four, and found a crowd awaiting us. We promptly filled
+the window with copies of the pamphlet, as a kind of general notice of
+the sale within, and then opened the door. The shop was filled
+immediately, and in twenty minutes over 500 copies were sold. No one sold
+save Mr. Bradlaugh and myself, but Miss Bradlaugh sorted dozens with a
+skill that seemed to stamp her as intended by nature for the business,
+while her sister supplied change with a rapidity worthy of a bank clerk.
+Several detectives favored us with a visit, and one amused us by coming
+in and buying two copies from Mr. Bradlaugh, and then retiring
+gracefully; after an interval of perhaps a quarter of an hour he
+reappeared, and purchased one from me. Two policemen outside made
+themselves useful; one patrolled the street calmly, and the other very
+kindly aided Norrish, Mr. Eamsey's co-worker, in his efforts to keep the
+stream flowing quietly, without too much pressure. Mr. Bradlaugh's voice
+was heard warningly from time to time, bidding customers not to crowd,
+and everything went well and smoothly, save that I occasionally got into
+fearful muddles in the intricacies of 'trade price'; I disgusted one
+customer, who muttered roughly 'Ritchie', and who, when I gave him two
+copies, and put his shilling in the till, growled: 'I shan't take them'.
+I was fairly puzzled, till Mr. Bradlaugh enlightened me as to the
+difficulty, 'Ritchie' to me being unknown; it appeared that 'Ritchie',
+muttered by the buyer, meant that the copies were wanted by a bookseller
+of that name, and his messenger was irate at being charged full price.
+Friends from various parts appeared to give a kindly word; a number of
+the members of the Dialectical Society came in, and many were the
+congratulations and promises of aid in case of need. Several who came in
+offered to come forward as bail, and their names were taken by Mr.
+Parris. The buyer that most raised my curiosity was one of Mr. Watts'
+sons, who came in and bought seven copies, putting down only trade-price
+on the counter; no one is supplied at trade-price unless he buys to sell
+again, and we have all been wondering why Mr. Watts should intend to sell
+the Knowlton pamphlet, after he has proclaimed it to be obscene and
+indecent. At six o'clock the shutters were put up, and we gave up our
+amateur shop-keeping; our general time for closing on Saturday is 2 p.m.,
+but we kept the shop open on Saturday for the special purpose of selling
+the Knowlton pamphlet. We sold about 800 copies, besides sending out a
+large number of country parcels, so that if the police now amuse
+themselves in seizing the work, they will entirely have failed in
+stopping its circulation. The pamphlet, during the present week, will
+have been sold over England and Scotland, and the only effect of the
+foolish police interference will be to have sold a large edition. We must
+add one word of thanks to them for the kindly aid given us by their
+gratuitous advertisement."
+
+[I may note here, in passing, that we printed our edition verbatim from
+that issued by James Watson, not knowing that various editions were in
+circulation. It was thereupon stated by Mr. Watts that we had not
+reprinted the pamphlet for which he was prosecuted, so we at once issued
+another edition, printed from his own version.]
+
+The help that flowed in to us from all sides was startling both in
+quantity and quality; a Defence Committee was quickly formed, consisting
+of the following persons:
+
+"C.R. Drysdale, M.D., Miss Vickery, H.R.S. Dalton, B.A., W.J. Birch,
+M.A., J. Swaagman, Mrs. Swaagman, P.A.V. Le Lubez, Mdme. Le Lubez, Miss
+Bradlaugh, Miss H. Bradlaugh, Mrs. Parris, T. Allsop, E. Truelove, Mark
+E. Marsden, F.A. Ford, Mrs. Fenwick Miller, G.N. Strawbridge, W.W.
+Wright, Mrs. Rennick, Mrs. Lowe, W. Bell, Thomas Slater, G. F. Forster,
+J. Scott, G. Priestley, J.W. White, J. Hart, H. Brooksbank, Mrs.
+Brooksbank, G. Middleton, J. Child, Ben. W. Elmy, Elizabeth Wolstenholme
+Elmy, Touzeau Parris (Hon. Sec.), Captain R.H. Dyas, Thomas Roy
+(President of the Scottish Secular Union), R.A. Cooper, Robert Forder,
+William Wayham, Mrs. Elizabeth Wayham, Professor Emile Acollas (ancien
+Professeur de Droit Français à l'Université de Berne), W. Reynolds, C.
+Herbert, J.F. Haines, H. Rogers (President of the Trunk and Portmanteau
+Makers' Trade Society), Yves Guyot (Redacteur en chef du _Radical_ et du
+_Bien Public),_ W.J. Ramsey, J. Wilks, Mrs. Wilks, J.E. Symes, E. Martin,
+W.E. Adams, Mrs. Adams, John Bryson (President of the Northumberland
+Miners' Mutual Confident Association), Ralph Young, J. Grout, Mrs. Grout,
+General Cluseret, A. Talandier (Member of the Chamber of Deputies), J.
+Baxter Langley, LL.D., M.R.C.S., F.L.S."
+
+Mrs. Fenwick Miller's letter of adhesion is worthy republication; it puts
+so tersely the real position:
+
+"59, Francis Terrace. Victoria Park.
+"March 31st.
+
+"My dear Mrs. Besant,--I feel myself privileged in having the opportunity
+of expressing both to you and to the public, by giving you my small aid
+to your defence, how much I admire the noble position taken up by Mr.
+Bradlaugh and yourself upon this attempt to suppress free discussion, and
+to keep the people in enforced ignorance upon the most important of
+subjects. It is shameful that you should have to do it through the
+cowardice of the less important person who might have made himself a hero
+by doing as you now do, but was too weak for his opportunities. Since you
+have had to do it, however, accept the assurance of my warm sympathy, and
+my readiness to aid in any way within my power in your fight. Please add
+my name to your Committee. You will find a little cheque within: I wish I
+had fifty times as much to give.
+
+"Under other circumstances, the pamphlet might well have been withdrawn
+from circulation, since its physiology its obsolete, and consequently its
+practical deductions to some extent unsound. But it must be everywhere
+comprehended that _this is not the point_. The book would have been
+equally attacked had its physiology been new and sound; the prosecution
+is against the right to issue a work upon the special subject, and
+against the freedom of the press and individual liberty.--Believe me,
+yours very faithfully,
+
+R. FENWICK MILLER."
+
+Among the many received were letters of encouragement from General
+Garibaldi, M. Talandier, Professor Emile Acollas, and the Rev. S.D.
+Headlam.
+
+As we did not care to be hunted about London by the police, we offered to
+be at Stonecutter Street daily from 10 to 11 a.m. until we were arrested,
+and our offer was readily accepted. Friends who were ready to act as bail
+came forward in large numbers, and we arranged with some of them that
+they should be within easy access in case of need. There was a little
+delay in issuing the warrants for our arrest. A deputation from the
+Christian Evidence Society waited on Mr. (now Sir Richard) Cross, to ask
+that the Government should prosecute us, and he acceded to their request.
+The warrants were issued on April 3rd, and were executed on April 5th.
+The story of the arrest I take from my own article in the _National
+Reformer,_ premising that we had been told that "the warrants were in the
+hands of Simmons".
+
+"Thursday morning found us again on our way to Stonecutter Street, and as
+we turned into it we were aware of three gentlemen regarding us
+affectionately from beneath the shelter of a ladder on the off-side of
+Farringdon Street. 'That's Simmons,' quoth Mr. Bradlaugh, as we went in,
+and I shook my head solemnly, regarding 'Simmons' as the unsubstantial
+shadow of a dream. But as the two Misses Bradlaugh and myself reached the
+room above the shop, a gay--'I told you so', from Mr. Bradlaugh
+downstairs, announced a visit, and in another moment Mr. Bradlaugh came
+up, followed by the three unknown. 'You know what we have come for,' said
+the one in front; and no one disputed his assertion. Detective-Sergeant
+R. Outram was the head officer, and he produced his warrant at Mr.
+Bradlaugh's request; he was accompanied by two detective officers,
+Messrs. Simmons and Williams. He was armed also with a search warrant, a
+most useful document, seeing that the last copy of the edition (of 5,000
+copies) had been sold on the morning of the previous day, and a high pile
+of orders was accumulating downstairs, orders which we were unable to
+fulfil. Mr. Bradlaugh told him, with a twinkle in his eye, that he was
+too late, but offered him every facility for searching. A large packet of
+'Text Books'--left for that purpose by Norrish, if the truth were known--
+whose covers were the same color as those of the 'Fruits', attracted Mr.
+Outram's attention, and he took off some of the brown paper wrapper, but
+found the goods unseizable. He took one copy of the 'Cause of Woman', by
+Ben Elmy, and wandered up and down the house seeking for goods to devour,
+but found nothing to reward him for his energy. Meanwhile we wrote a few
+telegrams and a note or two, and after about half-an-hour's delay, we
+started for the police-station in Bridewell Place, arriving there at
+10.25. The officers, who showed us every courtesy and kindness consistent
+with the due execution of their duty, allowed Mr. Bradlaugh and myself to
+walk on in front, and they followed us across the roar of Fleet Street,
+down past Ludgate Hill Station, to the Police Office. Here we passed into
+a fair-sized room, and were requested to go into a funny iron-barred
+place; it was a large oval railed in, with a brightly polished iron bar
+running round it, the door closing with a snap. Here we stood while two
+officers in uniform got out their books; one of these reminded Mr.
+Bradlaugh of his late visits there, remarking that he supposed the
+'gentleman you were so kind to will do you the same good turn now'. Mr.
+Bradlaugh dryly replied that he didn't think so, accepting service and
+giving it were two very different things. Our examination then began;
+names, ages, abodes, birth-places, number of children, color of hair and
+eyes, were all duly enrolled; then we were measured, and our heights put
+down; next we delivered up watches, purses, letters, keys--in fact
+emptied our pockets; then I was walked off by the housekeeper into a
+neighboring cell and searched--a surely most needless proceeding; it
+strikes me this is an unnecessary indignity to which to subject an
+uncondemned prisoner, except in cases of theft, where stolen property
+might be concealed about the person. It is extremely unpleasant to be
+handled, and on such a charge as that against myself a search was an
+absurdity. The woman was as civil as she could be, but, as she fairly
+enough said, she had no option in the matter. After this, I went back to
+the room and rejoined my fellow prisoner and we chatted peaceably with
+our guardians; they quite recognised our object in our proceedings, and
+one gave it as his opinion that we ought to have been summoned, and not
+taken by warrant. Taken, however, we clearly were, and we presently drove
+on to Guildhall, Mr. Outram in the cab with us, and Mr. Williams on the
+box.
+
+"At Guildhall, we passed straight into the court, through the dock, and
+down the stairs. Here Mr. Outram delivered us over to the gaoler, and the
+most uncomfortable part of our experiences began. Below the court are a
+number of cells, stone floored and whitewashed walled; instead of doors
+there are heavy iron gates, covered with thick close grating; the
+passages are divided here and there with similar strong iron gates, only
+some of which are grated. The rules of the place of course divided the
+sexes, so Mr. Bradlaugh and myself were not allowed to occupy the same
+cell; the gaoler, however, did the best he could for us, by allowing me
+to remain in a section of the passage which separated the men's from the
+women's cells, and by putting Mr. Bradlaugh into the first of the men's.
+Then, by opening a little window in the thick wall, a grating was
+discovered, through which we could dimly see each other. Mr. Bradlaugh's
+face, as seen from my side, scored all over with the little oblong holes
+in the grating reflected by the dull glimmer of the gas in the passage,
+was curious rather than handsome; mine was, probably, not more
+attractive. In this charming place we passed two hours-and-a-half, and it
+was very dull and very cold. We solaced ourselves, at first, by reading
+the _Secular Review_, Mr. Bradlaugh tearing it into pages, and passing
+them one by one through the grating. By pushing on his side and pulling
+on mine, we managed to get them through the narrow holes. Our position
+when we read them was a strange satire on one article (which I read with
+great pain), which expressed the writer's opinion that the book was so
+altered as not to be worth prosecuting. Neither the police nor the
+magistrate recognised any difference between the two editions. As I knew
+the second edition, taken from Mr. Watts', was almost ready for delivery
+as I read, I could not help smiling at the idea that no one 'had the
+courage' to reprint it.
+
+"Mr. Bradlaugh paced up and down his limited kingdom, and after I had
+finished correcting an _N.R._, I sometimes walked and sometimes sat, and
+we chatted over future proceedings, and growled at our long detention,
+and listened to names of prisoners being called, until we were at last
+summoned to 'go up higher', and we joyfully obeyed. It was a strange sort
+of place to stand in, the dock of a police-court the position struck one
+as really funny, and everyone who looked at us seemed to feel the same
+incongruity: officials, chief clerk, magistrate, all were equally polite,
+and Mr. Bradlaugh seemed to get his own way from the dock as much as
+everywhere else. The sitting magistrate was Alderman Figgins, a nice,
+kindly old gentleman, robed in marvellous, but not uncomely, garments of
+black velvet, purple, and dark fur. Below the magistrate, on either hand,
+sat a gentleman writing, one of whom was Mr. Martin, the chief clerk, who
+took the purely formal evidence required to justify the arrest. The
+reporters all sat at the right, and Mr. Touzeau Parris shared their
+bench, sitting on the corner nearest us. Just behind him Mr. Outram had
+kindly found seats for the two Misses Bradlaugh, who surveyed us
+placidly, and would, I am sure, had their duty called them to do so, have
+gladly and willingly changed places with us. The back of the court was
+filled with kindly faces, and many bright smiles greeted us; among the
+people were those who so readily volunteered their aid, those described
+by an official as 'a regular waggon-load of bail'. Their presence there
+was a most useful little demonstration of support, and the telegrams that
+kept dropping in also had their effect. 'Another of your friends, Mr.
+Bradlaugh,' quoth the chief clerk, as the fourth was handed to him, and I
+hear that the little buff envelopes continued to arrive all the
+afternoon. I need not here detail what happened in the court, as a full
+report by a shorthand writer appears in another part of the paper, and I
+only relate odds and ends. It amused me to see the broad grin which ran
+round when the detective was asked whether he had executed the seizure
+warrant, and he answered sadly that there was 'nothing to seize'. When
+bail was called for, Dr. Drysdale, Messrs. Swaagman, Truelove, and Bell
+were the first summoned, and no objections being raised to them, nor
+further securities asked for, these four gentlemen were all that were
+needed. We were then solemnly and severally informed that we were bound
+over in our own recognizances of £200 each to appear on Tuesday, April
+17th, at eleven o'clock in the forenoon, to answer, etc., etc., etc., to
+which adjuration I only replied by a polite little bow. After all this we
+passed into a small room at one side, and there waited till divers papers
+were delivered unto us, and we were told to depart in peace. A number of
+people had gathered outside and cheered us warmly as we came out, one
+voice calling: 'Bravo! there's some of the old English spirit left yet'.
+Being very hungry (it was nearly three o'clock), we went off to luncheon,
+very glad that the warrant was no longer hanging over our heads, and on
+our way home we bought a paper announcing our arrest. The evening papers
+all contained reports of the proceedings, as did also the papers of the
+following morning. I have seen the _Globe, Standard, Daily News, Times,
+Echo, Daily Telegraph_, and they all give perfectly fair reports of what
+took place. It is pleasant that they all seem to recognise that our
+reason for acting as we have done is a fair and honorable desire to test
+the right of publication."
+
+
+
+XV.
+
+
+The preliminary investigation before the magistrates at Guildhall duly
+came on upon April 17th, the prosecution being conducted by Mr. Douglas
+Straight and Mr. F. Mead. The case was put by Mr. Straight with extreme
+care and courtesy, the learned counsel stating, "I cannot conceal from
+myself, or from those who instruct me, that everything has been done in
+accordance with fairness and _bona fides_ on the part of Mr. Bradlaugh
+and the lady sitting by the side of him". Mr. Straight contended that the
+good intentions of a publisher could not be taken as proving that a book
+was not indictable, and laid stress on the cheapness of the work, "the
+price charged is so little as sixpence". Mr. Bradlaugh proved that there
+was no physiological statement in Knowlton, which was not given in far
+fuller detail in standard works on physiology, quoting Carpenter, Dalton,
+Acton, and others; he showed that Malthus, Professor Fawcett, Mrs.
+Fawcett, and others, advocated voluntary limitation of the family,
+establishing his positions by innumerable quotations. A number of eminent
+men were in Court, subpoenaed to prove their own works, and I find on
+them the following note, written by myself at the time:--
+
+"We necessarily put some of our medical and publishing witnesses to great
+inconvenience in summoning them into court, but those who were really
+most injured were the most courteous. Mr. Trübner, although suffering
+from a painful illness, and although, we had expressed our willingness to
+accept in his stead some member of his staff, was present, kindly and
+pleasant as usual. Dr. Power, a most courteous gentleman, called away
+from an examination of some 180 young men, never thought of asking that
+he should be relieved from the citizen's duty, but only privately asked
+to be released as soon as possible. Dr. Parker was equally worthy of the
+noble profession to which he belonged, and said he did not want to stay
+longer than he need, but would be willing to return whenever wanted.
+Needless to say that Dr. Drysdale was there, ready to do his duty. Dr.
+W.B. Carpenter was a strange contrast to these; he was rough and
+discourteous in manner, and rudely said that he was not responsible for
+'Human Physiology, by Dr. Carpenter', as his responsibility had ceased
+with the fifth edition. It seems a strange thing that a man of eminence,
+presumably a man of honor, should disavow all responsibility for a book
+which bears his name as author on the title-page. Clearly, if the 'Human
+Physiology' is not Dr. Carpenter's, the public is grossly deceived by the
+pretence that it is, and if, as Dr. Carpenter says, the whole
+responsibility rests on Dr. Power, then that gentleman should have the
+whole credit of that very useful book. It is not right that Dr. Carpenter
+should have all the glory and Dr. Power all the annoyance resulting from
+the work."
+
+Among all the men we came into contact with during the trial, Dr.
+Carpenter and Professor Fawcett were the only two who shrank from
+endorsing their own written statements.
+
+The presiding magistrate, Mr. Alderman Figgins, devoted himself gallantly
+to the unwonted task of wading through physiological text books, the poor
+old gentleman's hair sometimes standing nearly on end, and his composure
+being sadly ruffled when he found that Dr. Carpenter's florid treatise,
+with numerous illustrations of a, to him, startling character, was given
+to young boys and girls as a prize in Government examinations. He
+compared Knowlton with the work of Dr. Acton's submitted to him, and said
+despondingly that one was just the same as the other. At the end of the
+day the effect made on him by the defence was shown by his letting us go
+free without bail. Mr. Bradlaugh finished his defence at the next hearing
+of the case on April 19th, and his concluding remarks, showing the
+position we took, may well find their place here:
+
+"The object of this book is to circulate amongst the masses of the poor
+and wretched (as far as my power will circulate it), and to seek to
+produce in their minds such prudential views on the subject of population
+as shall at least hinder some of the horrors to be witnessed amongst the
+starving. I have not put you to the trouble of hearing proof--even if I
+were, in this court, permitted to do so--of facts on the Population
+Question, because the learned counsel for the prosecution, with the
+frankness which characterises this prosecution, admitted there was the
+tendency on the part of animated nature to increase until checked by the
+absence or deficiency of the means of subsistence. This being so, some
+checks must step in; these checks must be either positive or preventive
+and prudential. What are positive checks? The learned counsel has told
+you what they are. They are war, disease, misery, starvation. They are in
+China--to take a striking instance--accompanied by habits so revolting
+that I cannot now allude to them. See the numbers of miserable starving
+children in the great cities and centres of population. Is it right to go
+to these people and say, 'bring into the world children who cannot live',
+who all their lives are prevented by the poverty-smitten frames of their
+parents, and by their own squalid surroundings, from enjoying almost
+every benefit of the life thrust on them! who inherit the diseases and
+adopt the crimes which poverty and misery have provided for them? The
+very medical works I have put in in this case show how true this is in
+too many cases, and if you read the words of Dr. Acton, crime is
+sometimes involved of a terrible nature which the human tongue governed
+by training shrinks from describing. We justly or erroneously believe
+that we are doing our duty in putting this information in the hands of
+the people, and we contest this case with no kind of bravado; the penalty
+we already have to pay is severe enough, for even while we are defending
+this, some portion of the public press is using words of terrorism
+against the witnesses to be called, and is describing myself and my
+co-defendant in a fashion that I feel sure will find no sanction here,
+and that I hope will never occur again. We contest this because the
+advocacy of such views on population has been familiar to me for many
+years. The _Public Journal of Health_, edited by Dr. Hardwicke, the
+coroner for Central Middlesex, will show you that in 1868 I was known, in
+relation to this question, to men high in position in the land as
+original thinkers and political economists; that the late John Stuart
+Mill has left behind him, in his Autobiography, testimony concerning me
+on this subject, according unqualified praise to me for the views thereon
+which I had labored to disseminate; and that Lord Amberley thanked me, in
+a society of which we were then both associates, for having achieved what
+I had in bringing these principles to the knowledge of the poorer classes
+of the people. With taxation on every hand extending, with the cost of
+living increasing, and with wages declining--and, as to the last element,
+I am reminded that recently I was called upon to arbitrate in a wages'
+dispute in the north of England for a number of poor men, and, having
+minutely scrutinised every side of the situation, was compelled to reduce
+their wages by 15 per cent., there having been already a reduction of 35
+per cent, in the short space of some twenty months previously--I say,
+with wages declining, with the necessaries of life growing dearer and
+still dearer, and with the burden of rent and taxation ever increasing--
+if, in the presence of such a condition of life among the vast industrial
+and impoverished masses of this land, I am not to be allowed to tell them
+how best to prevent or to ameliorate the wretchedness of their lot--if,
+with all this, I may not speak to them of the true remedy, but the law is
+to step in and say to me, 'Your mouth is closed'; then, I ask you, what
+remedy is there remaining by which I am to deal with this awful misery?"
+
+The worthy magistrate duly committed us for trial, accepting our own
+recognizances in £200 each to appear at the Central Criminal Court on May
+7th. To the Central Criminal Court, however, we had not the smallest
+intention of going, if we could possibly avoid it, so Mr. Bradlaugh
+immediately took steps to obtain a writ of _certiorari_ to remove the
+indictment to the Court of Queen's Bench. On April 27th Mr. Bradlaugh
+moved for the writ before Lord Chief Justice Cockburn and Mr. Justice
+Mellor, and soon after he began his argument the judge stopped him,
+saying that he would grant the writ if, "upon, looking at it we think its
+object is the legitimate one of promoting knowledge on a matter of human
+interest, then, lest there should be any miscarriage resulting from any
+undue prejudice, we might think it is a case for trial by a judge and a
+special jury. I do not say it is so, mark, but only put it so, that if,
+on the other hand, science and philosophy are merely made the pretence of
+publishing a book which is calculated to arouse the passions of those who
+peruse it, then it follows that we must not allow the pretence to
+prevail, and treat the case otherwise than as one which may come before
+anybody to try. If we really think it is a fair question as to whether it
+is a scientific work or not, and its object is a just one, then we should
+be disposed to accede to your application, and allow it to be tried by a
+judge and special jury, and for that purpose allow the proceedings to be
+removed into this court. But, before we decide that, we must look into
+the book and form our own judgment as to the real object of the work."
+
+Two copies of the book were at once handed up to the Bench, and on April
+30th the Court granted the writ, the Lord Chief Justice saying: "We have
+looked at the book which is the subject-matter of the indictment, and we
+think it really raises a fair question as to whether it is a scientific
+production for legitimate purposes, or whether it is what the indictment
+alleged it to be, an obscene publication." Further, the Court accepted
+Mr. Bradlaugh's recognisances for £400 for the costs of the prosecution.
+
+Some, who have never read the Knowlton pamphlet, glibly denounce it as a
+filthy and obscene publication. The Lord Chief Justice of England and Mr.
+Justice Mellor, after reading it, decided to grant a writ which they had
+determined not to grant if the book had merely a veneer of science and
+was "calculated to arouse the passions". Christian bigotry has ever since
+1877 striven to confound our action with the action of men who sell filth
+for gain, but only the shameless can persist in so doing when their
+falsehoods are plainly exposed, as they are exposed here.
+
+The most touching letters from the poor came to us from all parts of the
+kingdom. One woman, who described herself as "very poor", and who had had
+thirteen children and was expecting another, wrote saying, "if you want
+money we will manage to send you my husband's pay one week". An army
+officer wrote thanking us, saying he had "a wife, seven children, and
+three servants to keep on 11s. 8d. a day; 5d. per head per diem keeps
+life in us. The rest for education and raiment." A physician wrote of his
+hospital experience, saying that it taught him that "less dangerous
+preventive checks to large families [than over-lactation] should be
+taught to the lower classes". Many clergymen wrote of their experience
+among the poor, and their joy that some attempt was being made to teach
+them how to avoid over-large families, and letter after letter came to me
+from poor curates' wives, thanking me for daring to publish information
+of such vital importance. In many places the poor people taxed themselves
+so much a week for the cost of the defence, because they could not afford
+any large sum at once.
+
+As soon as we were committed for trial, we resigned our posts on the
+Executive of the National Secular Society, feeling that we had no right
+to entangle the Society in a fight which it had not authorised us to
+carry on. We stated that we did not desire to relinquish our positions,
+"but we do desire that the members of the Executive shall feel free to
+act as they think wisest for the interest of Freethought". The letter was
+sent to the branches of the Society, and of the thirty-three who answered
+all, except Burnley and Nottingham, refused to accept our resignation. On
+the Executive a very clever attempt was made to place us in a difficult
+position by stating that the resignations were not accepted, but that, as
+we had resigned, and as the Council had no power to renew appointments
+made by the Conference, it could not invite us to resume our offices.
+This ingenious proposal was made by Mr. George Jacob Holyoake, who all
+through the trial did his best to injure us, apparently because he had
+himself sold the book long before we had done so, and was anxious to
+shield himself from condemnation by attacking us. His resolution was
+carried by five votes to two. Mr. Haines and Mr. Ramsey, detecting its
+maliciousness, voted against it. The votes of the Branches, of course,
+decided the question overwhelmingly in our favor, but we declined to sit
+on the Executive with such a resolution standing, and it was then
+carried--Mr. Holyoake and Mr. Watts only voting against--that "This
+Council acknowledge the consideration shown by Mr. Bradlaugh and Mrs.
+Besant for the public repute of the National Secular Society by tendering
+their resignations, and whilst disclaiming all responsibility for the
+book, 'Fruits of Philosophy', decline to accept such resignations". So
+thoroughly did we agree that the Society ought not to be held responsible
+for our action, that we published the statement: "The Freethought party
+is no more the endorser of our Malthusianism than it is of our
+Republicanism, or of our advocacy of Woman Suffrage, or of our support of
+the North in America, or of the part we take in French politics". I may
+add that at the Nottingham Conference Mr. Bradlaugh was re-elected
+President with only four dissentients, the party being practically
+unanimous in its determination to uphold a Free Press.
+
+The next stage of the prosecution was the seizure of our book packets and
+letters in the Post-office by the Tory Government. The "Freethinker's
+Text Book", the _National Reformer_, and various pamphlets were seized,
+as well as the "Fruits of Philosophy", and sealed letters were opened.
+Many meetings were held denouncing the revival of a system of Government
+_espionage_ which, it was supposed, had died out in England, and so great
+was the commotion raised that a stop was soon put to this form of
+Government theft, and we recovered the stolen property. On May 15th Mr.
+Edward Truelove was attacked for the publication of Robert Dale Owen's
+"Moral Physiology", and of a pamphlet entitled "Individual, Family, and
+National Poverty", and as both were pamphlets dealing with the Population
+Question, Mr. Truelove's case was included in the general defence.
+
+Among the witnesses we desired to subpoena was Charles Darwin, as we
+needed to use passages from his works; he wrote back a most interesting
+letter, telling us that he disagreed with preventive checks to population
+on the ground that over-multiplication was useful, since it caused a
+struggle for existence in which only the strongest and the ablest
+survived, and that he doubted whether it was possible for preventive
+checks to serve as well as positive. He asked us to avoid calling him if
+we could: "I have been for many years much out of health, and have been
+forced to give up all society or public meetings, and it would be great
+suffering to me to be a witness in court.... If it is not asking too
+great a favor, I should be greatly obliged if you would inform me what
+you decide, as apprehension of the coming exertion would prevent the rest
+which I require doing me much good." Needless to add that I at once wrote
+to Mr. Darwin that we would not call him, but his gentle courtesy has
+always remained a pleasant memory to me. Another kind act was that of the
+famous publisher, Mr. H.G. Bohn, who volunteered himself as a witness,
+and drew attention to the fact that every publisher of serious literature
+was imperilled by the attempt to establish a police censorship.
+
+The trial commenced on June 18th, in the Court of Queen's Bench at
+Westminster, before the Lord Chief Justice of England and a special jury.
+Sir Hardinge Giffard, the Solicitor-General of the Tory Government, Mr.
+Douglas Straight, and Mr. Mead, were the prosecuting counsel. The special
+jury consisted of the following: Alfred Upward, Augustus Voelcker,
+Captain Alfred Henry Waldy, Thomas Richard Walker, Robert Wallace, Edmund
+Waller, Arthur Walter, Charles Alfred Walter, John Ward, Arthur Warre;
+the two talesmen, who were afterwards added to make up the number, were
+George Skinner and Charles Wilson.
+
+The Solicitor-General made a bitter and violent speech, full of party
+hate and malice, endeavoring to prejudice the jury against the work by
+picking out bits of medical detail and making profuse apologies for
+reading them, and shuddering and casting up his eyes with all the skill
+of a finished actor. For a man accustomed to Old Bailey practice he was
+really marvellously easily shocked; a simple physiological fact brought
+him to the verge of tears, while the statement that people often had too
+large families covered him with such modest confusion that he found it
+hard to continue his address. It fell to my lot to open the defence, and
+to put the general line of argument by which we justified the
+publication; Mr. Bradlaugh dealt with the defence of the book as a
+medical work--until the Lord Chief Justice suggested that there was no
+"redundancy of details, or anything more than it is necessary for a
+medical man to know"--and strongly urged that the knowledge given by the
+pamphlet was absolutely necessary for the poor. We called as witnesses
+for the defence Miss Alice Vickery--the first lady who passed the
+examination of the Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain, and who has
+since passed the examinations qualifying her to act as a physician--Dr.
+Charles Drysdale, and Mr. H.G. Bohn. Dr. Drysdale bore witness to the
+medical value of the pamphlet, stating that "considering it was written
+forty years ago ... the writer must have been a profound student of
+physiology, and far advanced in the medical science of his time". "I have
+always considered it an excellent treatise, and I have found among my
+professional brethren that they have had nothing to say against it." Mr.
+Bohn bore witness that he had published books which "entirely covered
+your book, and gave a great deal more." Mr. Bradlaugh and myself then
+severally summed up our case, and the Solicitor-General made a speech for
+the prosecution very much of the character of his first one, doing all he
+could to inflame the minds of the jury against us. The Lord Chief
+Justice, to quote a morning paper, "summed up strongly for an acquittal".
+He said that "a more ill-advised and more injudicious proceeding in the
+way of a prosecution was probably never brought into a Court of Justice".
+He described us as "two enthusiasts, who have been actuated by the desire
+to do good in a particular department of Society". He bade the jury be
+careful "not to abridge the full and free right of public discussion, and
+the expression of public and private opinion on matters which are
+interesting to all, and materially affect the welfare of society." Then
+came an admirable statement of the law of population, and of his own view
+of the scope of the book which I present in full as our best
+justification.
+
+"The author, Doctor Knowlton, professes to deal with the subject of
+population. Now, a century ago a great and important question of
+political economy was brought to the attention of the scientific and
+thinking world by a man whose name everybody is acquainted with, namely,
+Malthus. He started for the first time a theory which astonished the
+world, though it is now accepted as an irrefragable truth, and has since
+been adopted by economist after economist. It is that population has a
+strong and marked tendency to increase faster than the means of
+subsistence afforded by the earth, or that the skill and industry of man
+can produce for the support of life. The consequence is that the
+population of a country necessarily includes a vast number of persons
+upon whom poverty presses with a heavy and sad hand. It is true that the
+effects of over-population are checked to a certain extent by those
+powerful agencies which have been at work since the beginning of the
+world. Great pestilences, famines, and wars have constantly swept away
+thousands from the face of the earth, who otherwise must have contributed
+to swell the numbers of mankind. The effect, however, of this tendency to
+increase faster than the means of subsistence, leads to still more
+serious evils amongst the poorer classes of society. It necessarily
+lowers the price of labor by reason of the supply exceeding the demand.
+It increases the dearth of provisions by making the demand greater than
+the supply, and produces direful consequences to a large class of persons
+who labor under the evils, physical and moral, of poverty. You find it,
+as described by a witness called yesterday, in the overcrowding of our
+cities and country villages, and the necessarily demoralising effects
+resulting from that over-crowding. You have heard of the way in which
+women--I mean child-bearing women--are destroyed by being obliged to
+submit to the necessities of their position before they are fully
+restored from the effects of child-birth, and the effects thus produced
+upon the children by disease and early death. That these are evils--evils
+which, if they could be prevented, it would be the first business of
+human charity to prevent--there cannot be any doubt. That the evils of
+over-population are real, and not imaginary, no one acquainted with the
+state of society in the present day can possibly deny. Malthus suggested,
+years ago, and his suggestion has been supported by economists since his
+time, that the only possible way of keeping down population was by
+retarding marriage to as late a period as possible, the argument being
+that the fewer the marriages the fewer would be the people. But another
+class of theorists say that that remedy is bad, and possibly worse than
+the disease, because, although you might delay marriage, you cannot
+restrain those instincts which are implanted in human nature, and people
+will have the gratification and satisfaction of passions powerfully
+implanted, if not in one way, in some other way. So you have the evils of
+prostitution substituted for the evils of over-population. Now, what says
+Dr. Knowlton? There being this choice of evils--there being this
+unquestioned evil of over-population which exists in a great part of the
+civilised world--is the remedy proposed by Malthus so doubtful that
+probably it would lead to greater evils than the one which it is intended
+to remedy? Dr. Knowlton suggests--and here we come to the critical point
+of this inquiry--he suggests that, instead of marriage being postponed,
+it shall be hastened. He suggests that marriage shall take place in the
+hey-day of life, when the passions are at their highest, and that the
+evils of over-population shall be remedied by persons, after they have
+married, having recourse to artificial means to prevent the procreation
+of a numerous offspring, and the consequent evils, especially to the
+poorer classes, which the production of a too numerous offspring is
+certain to bring about. Now, gentlemen, that is the scope of the book.
+With a view to make those to whom these remedies are suggested
+understand, appreciate, and be capable of applying them, he enters into
+details as to the physiological circumstances connected with the
+procreation of the species. The Solicitor-General says--and that was the
+first proposition with which he started--that the whole of this is a
+delusion and a sham. When Knowlton says that he wishes that marriage
+should take place as early as possible--marriage being the most sacred
+and holy of all human relations--he means nothing of the kind, but means
+and suggests, in the sacred name of marriage, illicit intercourse between
+the sexes, or a kind of prostitution. Now, gentlemen, whatever may be
+your opinion about the propositions contained in this work, when you come
+to weigh carefully the views of this undoubted physician and would-be
+philosopher, I think you will agree with me that to say that he meant to
+depreciate marriage for the sake of prostitution, and that all he says
+about marriage is only a disguise, and intended to impress upon the mind
+sentiments of an entirely different character for the gratification of
+passion, otherwise than by marriage, is a most unjust accusation.
+(Applause in court.) I must say that I believe that every word he says
+about marriage being a desirable institution, and every word he says with
+reference to the enjoyments and happiness it engenders, is said as
+honestly and truly as anything probably ever uttered by any man. I can
+only believe that when the Solicitor-General made that statement he had
+not half studied the book. But I pass that by. I come to the plain issue
+before you. Knowlton goes into physiological details connected with the
+functions of the generation and procreation of children. The principles
+of this pamphlet, with its details, are to be found in greater abundance
+and distinctness in numerous works to which your attention has been
+directed, and, having these details before you, you must judge for
+yourselves whether there is anything in them which is calculated to
+excite the passions of man and debase the public morals. If so, every
+medical work is open to the same imputation."
+
+The Lord Chief Justice then dealt with the question whether conjugal
+prudence was in itself immoral, and pointed out to the jury that the
+decision of this very serious question was in their hands:
+
+"A man and woman may say, 'We have more children than we can supply with
+the common necessaries of life: what are we to do? Let us have recourse
+to this contrivance.' Then, gentlemen, you should consider whether that
+particular course of proceeding is inconsistent with morality, whether it
+would have a tendency to degrade and deprave the man or woman. The
+Solicitor-General, while doubtless admitting the evils and mischiefs of
+excessive population, argues that the checks proposed are demoralising in
+their effects, and that it is better to bear the ills we have than have
+recourse to remedies having such demoralising results. These are
+questions for you, twelve thinking men, probably husbands and fathers of
+families, to consider and determine. That the defendants honestly believe
+that the evils that this work would remedy, arising from over-population
+and poverty, are so great that these checks may be resorted to as a
+remedy for the evils, and as bettering the condition of humanity,
+although there might be things to be avoided, if it were possible to
+avoid them, and yet remedy the evils which they are to prevent--that such
+is the honest opinion of the defendants, we, who have read the book, and
+who have heard what they have said, must do them the justice of
+believing. I agree with the Solicitor-General if, with a view to what is
+admitted to be a great good, they propose something to the world, and
+circulate it especially among the poorer classes, if they propose
+something inconsistent with public morals, and tending to destroy the
+domestic purity of women, that it is not because they do not see the
+evils of the latter, while they see the evils of the former, that they
+must escape; if so, they must abide the consequences of their actions,
+whatever may have been their motive. They say, 'We are entitled to submit
+to the consideration of the thinking portion of mankind the remedies
+which we propose for these evils. We have come forward to challenge the
+inquiry whether this is a book which we are entitled to publish.' They do
+it fairly, I must say, and in a very straightforward manner they come to
+demand the judgment of the proper tribunal. You must decide that with a
+due regard and reference to the law, and with an honest and determined
+desire to maintain the morals of mankind. But, on the other hand, you
+must carefully consider what is due to public discussion, and with an
+anxious desire not, from any prejudiced view of this subject, to stifle
+what may be a subject of legitimate inquiry. But there is another view of
+this subject, that Knowlton intended to reconcile with marriage the
+prevention of over-population. Upon the perusal of this work, I cannot
+bring myself to doubt that he honestly believed that the remedies he
+proposed were less evils than even celibacy or over-population on the one
+hand, or the prevention of marriage on the other hand--in that honesty of
+intention I entirely concur. But whether, in his desire to reconcile
+marriage with a check on over-population, he did not overlook one very
+important consideration connected with that part of society which should
+abuse it, is another and a very serious consideration."
+
+When the jury retired there was but one opinion in court, namely, that
+we had won our case. But they were absent for an hour and thirty-five
+minutes, and we learned afterwards that several were anxious to convict,
+not so much because of the book as because we were Freethinkers. At last
+they agreed to a compromise, and the verdict delivered was: "We are
+unanimously of opinion that the book in question is calculated to deprave
+public morals, but at the same time we entirely exonerate the defendants
+from any corrupt motives in publishing it."
+
+The Lord Chief Justice looked troubled, and said gravely that he would
+have to direct them to return a verdict of guilty on such a finding. The
+foreman, who was bitterly hostile, jumped at the chance without
+consulting his colleagues, some of whom had turned to leave the box, and
+thus snatched a technical verdict of "guilty" against us. Mr. George
+Skinner, of 27, Great Chapel Gate, Westminster, wrote to me on the
+following day to say that six of the jurymen did not consent to the
+verdict of "guilty", and that they had agreed that if the judge would not
+accept the verdict as handed in they would then retire again, and that
+they would never have given a verdict of guilty; but the stupid men had
+not the sense to speak out at the right time, and their foreman had his
+way. The Lord Chief Justice at once set us free to come up for judgment
+on that day week, June 28th--the trial had lasted till the 21st--and we
+went away on the same recognizances given before by Mr. Bradlaugh, an
+absolutely unprecedented courtesy to two technically "convicted
+prisoners".[1]
+
+[Footnote 1: A Report of the Trial can be obtained from the Freethought
+Publishing Company, price 5s. It contains an exact report of all that was
+said and done.]
+
+
+
+XVI.
+
+
+The week which intervened between the verdict of the jury and the day on
+which we were ordered to appear in Court to receive sentence was spent by
+us in arranging all our affairs, and putting everything in train for our
+anticipated absence. One serious question had to be settled, but it did
+not need long consideration. What were we to do about the Knowlton
+pamphlet? We promptly decided to ignore the verdict and to continue the
+sale. Recognising that the fact of this continued sale would be brought
+up against us in Court and would probably seriously increase our
+sentence, we none the less considered that as we had commenced the fight
+we were bound to maintain it, and we went on with the sale as before.
+
+On June 28th we attended the Court of Queen's Bench to receive judgment,
+the Lord Chief Justice and Mr. Justice Mellor being on the Bench. We
+moved to quash the indictment, on arrest of judgment, and for a new
+trial, the first on the ground that the indictment did not set out the
+words complained of. The judges were against us on this, but it is
+interesting to note that the Lord Chief Justice remarked that "the
+language of the book is not open to any particular objection". I argued
+that the jury, having exonerated us from any corrupt motive, could not be
+regarded as having found us guilty on an indictment which charged us with
+a corrupt motive: the Lord Chief Justice held that "in the unnecessary
+and superfluous part of the indictment, there is no judgment against
+you", and refused to believe that anyone would be found afterwards so
+base as to accuse us of evil intent, because of the formal words of the
+indictment, the jury having acquitted us of any corrupt intention. The
+judge unfortunately imputed to others his own uprightness, and we have
+found many--among them Sir W.T. Charley, the present Common Sergeant--
+vile enough to declare what he thought impossible, that we were found
+guilty of wilfully corrupting the morals of the people. The judges
+decided against us on all the points raised, but it is due to them to say
+that in refusing to quash the indictment, as Mr. Bradlaugh asked, they
+were misled by the misrepresentation of an American case by Sir Hardinge
+Giffard, and, to quote the words of the Lord Chief Justice, they
+sheltered themselves "under the decisions of the American Courts, and
+left this matter to be carefully gone into by the Court of Error".
+
+The question of sentence then arose, and two affidavits were put in, one
+by a reporter of the _Morning Advertiser_, named Lysaght. This individual
+published in the _Advertiser_ a very garbled report of a meeting at the
+Hall of Science on the previous Sunday, evidently written to anger the
+Lord Chief Justice, and used by Sir Hardinge Giffard with the same
+object. In one thing, however, it was accurate, and that was in stating
+that we announced our intention to continue the sale of the book. On this
+arose an argument with the Lord Chief Justice; he pointed out that we did
+not deny that the circulation of the book was going on, and we assented
+that it was so. It was almost pathetic to see the judge, angry at our
+resolution, unwilling to sentence us, but determined to vindicate the law
+he administered. "The question is," he urged, "what is to be the future
+course of your conduct? The jury have acquitted you of any intention to
+deliberately violate the law; and that, although you did publish this
+book, which was a book that ought not to have been published, you were
+not conscious of the effect it might have, and had no intention to
+violate the law. That would induce the Court, if it saw a ready
+submission on your part, to deal with the case in a very lenient way. The
+jury having found that it was a violation of the law, but with a good
+motive or through ignorance, the Court, in awarding punishment upon such
+a state of things, would, of course, be disposed to take a most indulgent
+view of the matter. But if the law has been openly set at defiance, the
+matter assumes a very different aspect, and it must be dealt with as a
+very grave and aggravated case." We could not, however, pledge ourselves
+to do anything more than stop the sale pending the appeal on the writ of
+error which we had resolved to go for. "Have you anything to say in
+mitigation?" was the judge's last appeal; but Mr. Bradlaugh answered: "I
+respectfully submit myself to the sentence of the Court"; and I: "I have
+nothing to say in mitigation of punishment".
+
+The sentence and the reason for its heavy character have been so
+misrepresented, that I print here, from the shorthand report taken at the
+time, the account of what passed:--
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, after having conferred for some minutes with Mr.
+Justice Mellor, said: The case has now assumed a character of very, very
+grave importance. We were prepared, if the defendants had announced
+openly in this Court that having acted in error as the jury found--of
+which finding I think they are entitled to the benefit--but still having
+been, after a fair and impartial trial, found by the jury guilty of doing
+of that which was an offence against the law, they were ready to submit
+to the law and to do everything in their power to prevent the further
+publication and circulation of a work which has been declared by the jury
+to be a work calculated to deprave public morals, we should have been
+prepared to discharge them on their own recognizances to be of good
+behavior in the future. But we cannot help seeing in what has been said
+and done pending this trial, and since the verdict of the jury was
+pronounced, that the defendants, instead of submitting themselves to the
+law, have set it at defiance by continuing to circulate this book. That
+being so I must say that that which before was an offence of a
+comparatively slight character--looking to what the jury have found in
+reference to the contention of the defendants--now assumes the form of a
+most grave and aggravated offence, and as such we must deal with it. The
+sentence is that you, Charles Bradlaugh, and you, Annie Besant, be
+imprisoned for the term of six calendar months; that you each pay a fine
+of £200 to the Queen; and that you enter further into your own
+recognizances in a sum of £500 each to be of good behavior for the term
+of two years; and I tell you at the same time that you will not be of
+'good behavior' and will be liable to forfeit that sum if you continue to
+publish this book. No persuasion or conviction on your part that you are
+doing that which is morally justifiable can possibly warrant you in
+violating the law or excuse you in doing so. No one is above the law; all
+owe obedience to the law from the highest to the lowest, and if you
+choose to set yourself at defiance against the law--to break it and defy
+it--you must expect to be dealt with accordingly. I am very sorry indeed
+that such should be the result, but it is owing to your being thus
+contumacious, notwithstanding that you have had a fair trial, and the
+verdict of a competent jury, which ought to have satisfied you that you
+ought to abstain from doing what has been clearly demonstrated and shown
+to be wrong.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Would your lordship entertain an application to stay
+execution of the sentence?
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: Certainly not. On consideration, if you will
+pledge yourselves unreservedly that there shall be no repetition of the
+publication of the book, at all events, until the Court of Appeal shall
+have decided contrary to the verdict of the jury and our judgment; if we
+can have that positive pledge, and you will enter into your recognizances
+that you will not avail yourselves of the liberty we extend to continue
+the publication of this book, which it is our bounden duty to suppress,
+or do our utmost to suppress, we may stay execution; but we can show no
+indulgence without such a pledge.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: My lord, I meant to offer that pledge in the fullest and
+most unreserved sense, because, although I have my own view as to what is
+right, I also recognise that the law having pronounced sentence, that is
+quite another matter so far as I, as a citizen, am concerned. I do not
+wish to ask your lordship for a favor without yielding to the Court
+during the time that I take advantage of its indulgence.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: I wish you had taken this position sooner.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: If the sentence goes against us, it is another matter;
+but if you should consent to give us time for the argument of this writ
+of error, we would bind ourselves during that time. I should not like
+your lordship to be induced to grant this request on the understanding
+that in the event of the ultimate decision being against me I should feel
+bound by that pledge.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: I must do you the justice to say that throughout
+the whole of this battle our conduct has been straightforward since you
+took it up.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: I would not like your lordship to think that, in the
+event of the ultimate decision being against us, there was any sort of
+pledge. I simply meant that the law having pronounced against us, if your
+lordship gives us the indulgence of fighting it in the higher Court, no
+sort of direct or indirect advantage shall be taken of the indulgence.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: You will not continue the publication?
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Not only will I stop the circulation of the book myself,
+but I will do all in my power to prevent other people circulating it.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: Then you can be discharged on your own
+recognizances for £100, 'to be of good behavior,' which you will
+understand to mean, that you will desist from the publication of this
+work until your appeal shall have been heard, and will engage to
+prosecute the appeal without delay.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Certainly; until the present, I have undoubtedly
+circulated the book. Although there is a blunder in the affidavits I do
+not disguise the matter of fact. I shall immediately put the thing under
+my own control, and I will at once lock up every copy in existence, and
+will not circulate another copy until the appeal is decided.
+
+"Mr. JUSTICE MELLOR: It must be that you will really, to the best of your
+ability, prevent the circulation of this book until this matter has been
+determined.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: And what Mr. Bradlaugh says, I understand that
+you, Mrs. Besant, also assent to?
+
+"Mrs. BESANT: Yes: that is my pledge until the writ of error has been
+decided. I do not want to give a pledge which you may think was not given
+honestly. I will give my pledge, but it must be understood that the
+promise goes no further than that decision.
+
+"Mr. JUSTICE MELLOR: You will abstain yourself from circulating the book,
+and, so far as you can, suppress its circulation?
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Every copy that is unsold shall be at once put under lock
+and key until the decision of the case.
+
+"The SOLICITOR-GENERAL: My lord, I think there should be no
+misunderstanding upon this; I understand that the defendants have
+undertaken that during the pendency of the appeal this book shall not be
+circulated at all. But if the decision should be against them they are
+under no pledge not to publish.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: I hope your lordship will not ask us what we shall do in
+future.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: We have meted out the amount of punishment upon
+the assumption--there being no assertion to the contrary, but rather an
+admission--that they do intend to set the law at defiance. If we had
+understood that they were prepared to submit themselves to the law, we
+should have been disposed to deal with them in the most indulgent manner;
+but as we understood that they did not intend this, we have meted out to
+them such a punishment as we hope, when undergone, will have a deterrent
+effect upon them, and may prevent other people offending in like manner.
+We have nothing to do with what may happen after the defendants obtain a
+judgment in their favor, if they do so, or after the sentence is carried
+out, if they do not. Our sentence is passed, and it will stand, subject
+only to this, that we stay execution until a writ of error may be
+disposed of, the defendants giving the most unqualified and unreserved
+pledge that they will not allow another copy of the book to be sold.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Quite so, my lord; quite so."
+
+We were then taken into custody, and went down to the Crown Office to get
+the form for the recognizances, the amount of which, £100, after such a
+sentence, was a fair proof of the view of the Court as to our good faith
+in the whole matter. As a married woman, I was unable to give
+recognizances, being only a chattel, not a person cognisable by law; the
+Court mercifully ignored this--or I should have had to go to prison--and
+accepted Mr. Bradlaugh's sole recognizance as covering us both. It
+further inserted in the sentence that we were "to be placed in the First
+Class of Misdemeanants", but as the sentence was never executed, we did
+not profit by this alleviation.
+
+The rest of the story of the Knowlton pamphlet is soon told. We appeared
+in the Court of Appeal on January 29th, 30th, and 31st, 1878. Mr.
+Bradlaugh argued the case, I only making a brief speech, and on February
+12th the Court, composed of Lords Justices Bramwell, Brett, and Cotton,
+gave judgment in our favor and quashed the indictment. Thus we triumphed
+all along the line; the jury acquitted us of all evil motive, and left us
+morally unstained; the Court of Appeal quashed the indictment, and set us
+legally free. None the less have the ignorant, the malicious, and the
+brutal, used this trial and sentence against us as a proof of moral
+obliquity, and have branded us as "vendors of obscene books" on this sole
+ground.
+
+With the decision of the Court of Appeal our pledge not to sell the
+Knowlton pamphlet came to an end, and we at once recommenced the sale.
+The determination we came to was announced in the _National Reformer_ of
+March 3rd, and I reprint here the statement I wrote at the time in Mr.
+Bradlaugh's name as well as my own.
+
+"THE PLAN OF THE CAMPAIGN.
+
+"The first pitched battle of the new campaign for the Liberty of the
+Press has, as all our readers know, ended in the entire defeat of the
+attacking army, and in the recapture of the position originally lost.
+There is no conviction--of ours--registered against the Knowlton
+Pamphlet, the whole of the proceedings having been swept away; and the
+prosecutors are left with a large sum out of pocket, and no one any the
+worse for all their efforts. The banker's account of the unknown
+prosecutor shows a long and melancholy catalogue of expenses, and there
+is no glory and no success to balance them on the other side of the
+ledger. On the contrary, our prosecutors have advertised the attacked
+pamphlet, and circulated it by thousands and by hundreds of thousands;
+they have caused it to be reprinted in Holland and in America, and have
+spread it over India, Australia, New Zealand, and the whole continent of
+Europe; they have caused the Population Question to be discussed, both at
+home and abroad, in the press and in the public meeting; they have
+crammed the largest halls in England and Scotland to listen to the
+preaching of Malthusianism; they have induced the publication of a modern
+pamphlet on the question which is selling by thousands; they have
+enormously increased the popularity of the defendants, and made new
+friends for them in every class of society; in the end, Knowlton is being
+circulated as vigorously as ever, and since the case was decided more
+copies have been sold than would have been disposed of in ten years at
+the old rate of sale. Truly, our prosecutors must feel delighted at the
+results of their labors.
+
+"So much for the past: what as to the future? Some, fancying we should
+act as they themselves would do under the like circumstances, dream that
+we shall now give way. We have not the smallest intention of doing
+anything of the kind. We said, nearly a year ago, that so long as
+Knowlton was prosecuted we should persist in selling him; we repeated the
+same determination in Court, and received for it a heavy sentence; we
+repeat the same to-day, in spite of the injudicious threat of Lord
+Justice Brett. Before we went up for judgment in the Court of Appeal we
+had made all preparations for the renewal of the struggle; parcels were
+ready to be forwarded to friends who had volunteered to sell in various
+towns; if we had gone to jail from the Court these would at once have
+been sent; as we won our case, they were sent just the same. On the
+following day orders were given to tell any wholesale agents who inquired
+that the book was again on sale, and the bills at 28, Stonecutter Street,
+announcing the suspension, of the sale, were taken down; from that day
+forward all orders received have been punctually attended to, and the
+sale has been both rapid and steady. There is, however, one difference
+between the sale of Knowlton and that of our other literature: Knowlton
+is not sold across the counter at Stonecutter Street. When we were
+arrested in April 1877, we stopped the sale across counter, and we do
+not, at present, intend to recommence it. Our reason is very simple. The
+sale across counter does not, in any fashion, cause us any additional
+risk; the danger of it falls entirely on Mr. Ramsey and on Mr. and Mrs.
+Norrish; we fail to see that there is any courage in running other people
+into danger, and we prefer, therefore, to take the risk on ourselves. We
+do not intend to go down again and personally sell behind the counter; we
+thought it right to challenge a prosecution once, but, having done so, we
+intend now to go quietly on our ordinary way of business, and wait for
+any attack that may come.
+
+"Meanwhile, we are not only selling the 'Fruits of Philosophy', but we
+also are striving to gain the legal right to do so. In the appeal from
+Mr. Vaughan's decision Mr. Bradlaugh again raises all the disputed
+questions, and that appeal will be argued as persistently as was the one
+just decided in our favor. We are also making efforts to obtain an
+alteration of the law of libel, and we hope soon to be able to announce
+the exact terms of the proposed Bill.
+
+"My own pamphlet, on 'The Law of Population', is another effort in the
+same direction. At our trial the Lord Chief Justice said, that it was the
+advocacy of the preventive checks which was the assailable part of
+Knowlton; that advocacy is strongly and clearly to be found in the new
+pamphlet, together with facts useful to mothers, as to the physical
+injury caused by over-rapid child-bearing, which Knowlton did not give.
+The pamphlet has the advantage of being written fifty years later than
+the 'Fruits of Philosophy', and is more suitable, therefore, for
+circulation at the present day. We hope that it may gradually replace
+Knowlton as a manual for the poor. While we shall continue to print and
+sell Knowlton as long as any attempt is made to suppress it, we hope that
+the more modern pamphlet may gradually supersede the old one.
+
+"If another prosecution should be instituted against us, our prosecutors
+would have a far harder task before them than they had last time. In the
+first place, they would be compelled to state, clearly and definitely,
+what it is to which they object; and we should, therefore, be able to
+bring our whole strength to bear on the assailed point. In the second
+place, they would have to find a jury who would be ready to convict, and
+after the full discussion of the question which has taken place the
+finding of such a jury would be by no means an easy thing to do. Lastly,
+they must be quite sure not to make any legal blunders, for they may be
+sure that such sins will find them out. Perhaps, on the whole, they had
+better leave us alone.
+
+"I believe that our readers will be glad to have this statement of our
+action, and this assurance that we feel as certain of winning the battle
+of a Free Press as when we began it a year ago, and that our
+determination is as unwavering as when Serjeant Outram arrested us in the
+spring of last year.--ANNIE BESANT."
+
+Several purchases were made from us by detectives, and we were more than
+once threatened with prosecution. At last evidence for a new prosecution
+was laid before the Home Office, and the Government declined to institute
+fresh proceedings or to have anything more to do with the matter. The
+battle was won. As soon as we were informed of this decision, we decided
+to sell only the copies we had in stock, and not to further reprint the
+pamphlet. Out-of-date as was much of its physiology, it was defended as a
+symbol, not for its intrinsic worth. We issued a circular stating that--
+
+"The Knowlton pamphlet is now entirely out of print, and, 185,000 having
+been printed, the Freethought Publishing Company do not intend to
+continue the publication, which has never at any time been advertised by
+them except on the original issue to test the question. 'The Law of
+Population', price 6d., post free 8d., has been specially written by Mrs.
+Besant to supersede the Knowlton pamphlet."
+
+Thus ended a prolonged resistance to an unfair attempt to stifle
+discussion, and, much as I have suffered in consequence of the part I
+took in that fight, I have never once regretted that battle for the
+saving of the poor.
+
+In July, 1877, a side-quarrel on the pamphlet begun which lasted until
+December 3rd, 1878, and was fought through court after court right out to
+a successful issue. We had avoided a seizure warrant by removing all our
+stock from 28, Stonecutter Street, but 657 of the pamphlets had been
+seized at Mr. Truelove's, in Holborn, and that gentleman was also
+proceeded against for selling the work. The summons for selling was
+withdrawn, and Mr. Bradlaugh succeeded in having his name and mine
+inserted as owners of the books in the summons for their destruction. The
+books remained in the custody of the magistrate until after the decision
+of the Court of Queen's Bench, and on February 12th, 1878, Mr. Bradlaugh
+appeared before Mr. Vaughan at Bow Street, and claimed that the books
+should be restored to him. Mr. Collette, of the Vice Society, argued on
+the other hand that the books were obscene, and ought therefore to be
+destroyed. Mr. Vaughan reserved his decision, and asked for the Lord
+Chief Justice's summing-up in the Queen _v._ Bradlaugh and Besant. On
+February 19th he made an order for the destruction of the pamphlets,
+against which Mr. Bradlaugh appealed to the General Sessions on the
+following grounds:
+
+"1st. That the said book is not an obscene book within the meaning of the
+20th and 21st Victoria, cap. 83. 2nd. That the said book is a scientific
+treatise on the law of population and its connexion with poverty, and
+that there is nothing in the book which is not necessary and legitimate
+in the description of the question. 3rd. That the advocacy of
+non-life-destroying checks to population is not an offence either at
+common law or by statute, and that the manner in which that advocacy is
+raised in the said book, 'The Fruits of Philosophy', is not such as makes
+it an indictable offence. 4th. That the discussion and recommendation of
+checks to over-population after marriage is perfectly lawful, and that
+there is in the advocacy and recommendations contained in the book
+'Fruits of Philosophy' nothing that is prurient or calculated to inflame
+the passions. 5th. That the physiological information in the said book is
+such as is absolutely necessary for understanding the subjects treated,
+and such information is more fully given in Carpenter's treatises on
+Physiology, and Kirke's 'Handbook of Physiology', which later works are
+used for the instruction of the young under Government sanction. 6th.
+That the whole of the physiological information contained in the said
+book, 'The Fruits of Philosophy', has been published uninterruptedly for
+fifty years, and still is published in dear books, and that the
+publication of such information in a cheap form cannot constitute an
+offence."
+
+After a long argument before Mr. Edlin and a number of other Middlesex
+magistrates, the Bench affirmed Mr. Vaughan's order, whereupon Mr.
+Bradlaugh promptly obtained from the Lord Chief Justice and Mr. Justice
+Mellor a writ of _certiorari_, removing their order to the Queen's Bench
+Division of the High Court of Justice with a view to quashing it. The
+matter was not argued until the following November, on the 9th of which
+month it came on before Mr. Justice Mellor and Mr. Justice Field. The
+Court decided in Mr. Bradlaugh's favor and granted a rule quashing Mr.
+Vaughan's order, and with this fell the order of the Middlesex
+magistrates. The next thing was to recover the pamphlets thus rescued
+from destruction, and on December 3rd Mr. Bradlaugh appeared before Mr.
+Vaughan at Bow Street in support of a summons against Mr. Henry Wood, a
+police inspector, for detaining 657 copies of the "Fruits of Philosophy".
+After a long argument Mr. Vaughan ordered the pamphlets to be given up to
+him, and he carried them off in triumph, there and then, on a cab. We
+labelled the rescued pamphlets and sold every one of them, in mocking
+defiance of the Vice Society.
+
+The circulation of literature advocating prudential checks to population
+was not stopped during the temporary suspension of the sale of the
+Knowlton pamphlet between June, 1877, and February, 1878. In October,
+1877, I commenced in the _National Reformer_ the publication of a
+pamphlet entitled: "The Law of Population, its consequences, and its
+bearing upon human conduct and morals". This little book included a
+statement of the law, evidence of the serious suffering among the poor
+caused by over-large families, and a clear statement of the checks
+proposed, with arguments in their favor. The medical parts were omitted
+in the _National Reformer_ articles, and the pamphlet was published
+complete early in November, at the price of sixpence--the same as
+Knowlton's--the first edition consisting of 5,000 copies. A second
+edition of 5,000 was issued in December, but all the succeeding editions
+were of 10,000 copies each. The pamphlet is now in its ninetieth
+thousand, and has gone all over the civilised world. It has been
+translated into Swedish, Danish, Dutch, French, German, and Italian, and
+110,000 copies have been sold of an American reprint. On the whole, the
+prosecution of 1877 did not do much in stopping the circulation of
+literature on the Population Question.
+
+The "Law" has been several times threatened with prosecution, and the
+initial steps have been taken, but the stage of issuing a warrant for its
+seizure has never yet been reached. Twice I have had the stock removed to
+avoid seizure, but on each occasion the heart of the prosecutors has
+failed them, and the little book has carried its message of mercy
+unspeeded by the advertisement of prosecution.
+
+The struggle on the right to discuss the prudential restraint of
+population did not, however, conclude without a martyr. Mr. Edward
+Truelove, alluded to above, was prosecuted for selling a treatise by
+Robert Dale Owen on "Moral Physiology", and a pamphlet entitled,
+"Individual, Family, and National Poverty". He was tried on February 1st,
+1878, before the Lord Chief Justice in the Court of Queen's Bench, and
+was most ably defended by Professor W.A. Hunter. The jury spent two hours
+in considering their verdict, and then returned into Court and stated
+that they were unable to agree. The majority of the jury were ready to
+convict, if they felt sure that Mr. Truelove would not be punished, but
+one of them boldly declared in Court: "As to the book, it is written in
+plain language for plain people, and I think that many more persons ought
+to know what the contents of the book are". The jury was discharged, in
+consequence of this one man's courage, but Mr. Truelove's persecutors--
+the wretched Vice Society--were determined not to let their victim free.
+They proceeded to trial a second time, and wisely endeavored to secure a
+special jury, feeling that as prudential restraint would raise wages by
+limiting the supply of labor, they would be more likely to obtain a
+verdict from a jury of "gentlemen" than from one composed of workers.
+This attempt was circumvented by Mr. Truelove's legal advisers, who let a
+_procedendo_ go which sent back the trial to the Old Bailey. The second
+trial was held on May 16th at the Central Criminal Court before Baron
+Pollock and a common jury, Professor Hunter and Mr. J.M. Davidson
+appearing for the defence. The jury convicted, and the brave old man,
+sixty-eight years of age, was condemned to four months' imprisonment and
+£50 fine for selling a pamphlet which had been sold unchallenged, during
+a period of forty-five years, by James Watson, George Jacob Holyoake,
+Austin Holyoake, and Charles Watts. Mr. Grain, the counsel employed by
+the Vice Society, most unfairly used against Mr. Truelove my "Law of
+Population", a pamphlet which contained, Baron Pollock said, "the head
+and front of the offence in the other [the Knowlton] case". I find an
+indignant protest against this odious unfairness in the _National
+Reformer_ for May 19th: "'My Law of Population' was used against Mr.
+Truelove as an aggravation of his offence; passing over the utter
+meanness--worthy only of Collette--of using against a prisoner a book
+whose author has never been attacked for writing it--does Mr. Collette,
+or do the authorities, imagine that the severity shown to Mr. Truelove
+will in any fashion deter me from continuing the Malthusian propaganda?
+Let me here assure them, one and all, that it will do nothing of the
+kind; I shall continue to sell the 'Law of Population' and to advocate
+scientific checks to population, just as though Mr. Collette and his Vice
+Society were all dead and buried. In commonest justice they are bound to
+prosecute me, and if they get, and keep, a verdict against me, and
+succeed in sending me to prison, they will only make people more anxious
+to read my book, and make me more personally powerful as a teacher of the
+views which they attack."
+
+A persistent attempt was made to obtain a writ of error in Mr. Truelove's
+case, but the Tory Attorney-General, Sir John Holker, refused it,
+although the ground on which it was asked was one of the grounds on which
+a similar writ had been granted to Mr. Bradlaugh and myself. Mr. Truelove
+was therefore compelled to suffer his sentence, but memorials, signed by
+11,000 persons, asking for his release, were sent to the Home Secretary
+from every part of the country, and a crowded meeting in St. James' Hall,
+London, demanded his liberation with only six dissentients. The whole
+agitation did not shorten Mr. Truelove's sentence by a single day, and he
+was not released from Coldbath Fields' Prison until September 5th. On the
+12th of the same month the Hall of Science was crowded with enthusiastic
+friends, who assembled to do him honor, and he was presented with a
+beautifully-illuminated address and a purse containing £177 (subsequent
+subscriptions raised the amount to £197 16s. 6d.).
+
+It is scarcely necessary to say that one of the results of the
+prosecution was a great agitation throughout the country, and a wide
+popularisation of Malthusian views. Some huge demonstrations were held in
+favor of free discussion; on one occasion the Free Trade Hall,
+Manchester, was crowded to the doors; on another the Star Music Hall,
+Bradford, was crammed in every corner; on another the Town Hall,
+Birmingham, had not a seat or a bit of standing-room unoccupied. Wherever
+we went, separately or together, it was the same story, and not only were
+Malthusian lectures eagerly attended, and Malthusian literature eagerly
+bought, but curiosity brought many to listen to our Radical and
+Freethought lectures, and thousands heard for the first time what
+Secularism really meant.
+
+The press, both London and provincial, agreed in branding the prosecution
+as foolish, and it was widely remarked that it resulted only in the wider
+circulation of the indicted book, and the increased popularity of those
+who had stood for the right of publication. The furious attacks since
+made upon us have been made chiefly by those who differ from us in
+theological creed, and who have found a misrepresentation of our
+prosecution served them as a convenient weapon of attack. During the last
+few years public opinion has been gradually coming round to our side, in
+consequence of the pressure of poverty resulting from widespread
+depression of trade, and during the sensation caused in 1884 by "The
+Bitter Cry of Outcast London", many writers in the _Daily News_--notably
+Mr. G.R. Sims--boldly alleged that the distress was to a great extent due
+to the large families of the poor, and mentioned that we had been
+prosecuted for giving the very knowledge which would bring salvation to
+the sufferers in our great cities.
+
+Among the useful results of the prosecution was the establishment of the
+Malthusian League, "to agitate for the abolition of all penalties on the
+public discussion of the population question", and "to spread among the
+people, by all practicable means, a knowledge of the law of population,
+of its consequences, and of its bearing upon human conduct and morals".
+The first general meeting of the League was held at the Hall of Science
+on July 26th, 1877, and a council of twenty persons was elected, and this
+Council on August 2nd elected Dr. C.R. Drysdale, M.D. President, Mr.
+Swaagman Treasurer, Mrs. Besant Secretary, Mr. Shearer Assistant
+Secretary, and Mr. Hember Financial Secretary. Since 1877 the League,
+under the same indefatigable president, has worked hard to carry out its
+objects; it has issued a large number of leaflets and tracts; it supports
+a monthly journal, the _Malthusian_; numerous lectures have been
+delivered under its auspices in all parts of the country; and it has now
+a medical branch, into which none but duly qualified medical men and
+women are admitted, with members in all European countries.
+
+Another result of the prosecution was the accession of "D." to the staff
+of the _National Reformer_. This able and thoughtful writer came forward
+and joined our ranks as soon as he heard of the attack on us, and he
+further volunteered to conduct the journal during our imprisonment. From
+that time to this--a period of eight years--articles from his pen have
+appeared in our columns week by week, and during all that time not one
+solitary difficulty has arisen between editors and contributor. In public
+a trustworthy colleague, in private a warm and sincere friend, "D." has
+proved an unmixed benefit bestowed upon us by the prosecution.
+
+Nor was "D." the only friend brought to us by our foes. I cannot ever
+think of that time without remembering that the prosecution brought me
+first into close intimacy with Mrs. Annie Parris--the wife of Mr. Touzeau
+Parris, the Secretary of the Defence Committee throughout all the fight--
+a lady who, during that long struggle, and during the, for me, far worse
+struggle that succeeded it, over the custody of my daughter, proved to me
+the most loving and sisterly of friends. One or two other friendships
+which will, I hope, last my life, date from that same time of strife and
+anxiety.
+
+The amount of money subscribed by the public during the Knowlton and
+succeeding prosecutions gives some idea of the interest felt in the
+struggle. The Defence Fund Committee in March, 1878, presented a
+balance-sheet, showing subscriptions amounting to £1,292 5s. 4d., and
+total expenditure in the Queen _v._ Bradlaugh and Besant, the Queen _v._
+Truelove, and the appeal against Mr. Vaughan's order (the last two up to
+date) of £1,274 10s. This account was then closed and the balance of £17
+15s. 4d. passed on to a new Fund for the defence of Mr. Truelove, the
+carrying on of the appeal against the destruction of the Knowlton
+pamphlet, and the bearing of the costs incident on the petition lodged
+against myself. In July this new fund had reached £196 16s. 7d., and
+after paying the remainder of the costs in Mr. Truelove case, a balance
+of £26 15s. 2d. was carried on. This again rose to £247 15s. 2-1/2d., and
+the fund bore the expenses of Mr. Bradlaugh's successful appeal on the
+Knowlton pamphlet, the petition and subsequent proceedings in which I was
+concerned in the Court of Chancery, and an appeal on Mr. Truelove's
+behalf, unfortunately unsuccessful, against an order for the destruction
+of the Dale Owen pamphlet. This last decision was given on February 21st,
+1880, and on this the Defence Fund was closed. On Mr. Truelove's release,
+as mentioned above, a testimonial to the amount of £197 16s. 6d. was
+presented to him, and after the close of the struggle some anonymous
+friend sent to me personally £200 as "thanks for the courage and ability
+shown". In addition to all this, the Malthusian League received no less
+than £455 11s. 9d. during the first year of its life, and started on its
+second year with a balance in hand of £77 5s. 8d.
+
+The propaganda of Freethought was not forgotten while this Malthusian
+quarrel was raging, and in August 1877 the Freethought Publishing Company
+issued the first English edition of lectures by Colonel Robert Ingersoll,
+the eminent Freethought advocate of the United States. Since that time
+various other publishers have circulated thousands of his lectures, but
+it has always been to me a matter of satisfaction that we were the first
+to popularise the eloquent American in England. The ruling of the Lord
+Chief Justice that a book written with pure intention and meant to convey
+useful knowledge might yet be obscene, drew from me a pamphlet entitled,
+"Is the Bible Indictable?", in which I showed that the Bible came clearly
+within the judge's ruling. This turning of the tables on our persecutors
+caused considerable sensation at the time, and the pamphlet had, and
+still has, a very wide circulation. It is needless to add that the Sunday
+Freethought lectures were carried on despite the legal toils of the week,
+and, as said above, the large audiences attracted by the prosecution gave
+a splendid field for the inculcation of Freethought views. The National
+Secular Society consequently increased largely in membership, and a
+general impulse towards Freethought was manifest throughout the land.
+
+The year 1878, so far as lecturing work was concerned, was largely taken
+up with a crusade against the Beaconsfield Government and in favor of
+peace. Lord Beaconsfield's hired roughs broke up several peace meetings
+during the winter, and on February 24th Mr. Bradlaugh and Mr. Auberon
+Herbert, at the request of a meeting of working-class delegates, held in
+Hyde Park a "Demonstration in favor of Peace". The war party attacked the
+meeting and some sharp fighting took place, but a resolution "That this
+meeting declares in favor of peace" was carried despite them. A second
+meeting was called by the Working Men's Committee for March 10th, and a
+large force of medical students, roughs, militia-men, and "gentlemen",
+armed with loaded bludgeons, heavy pieces of iron, sticks with metal
+twisted round them, and various sharp-cutting weapons, went to Hyde Park
+to make a riot. The meeting was held and the resolution carried, but
+after it had dissolved there was some furious fighting. We learned
+afterwards that a large money reward had been offered to a band of roughs
+if they would disable Mr. Bradlaugh, and a violent organised attack was
+made on him. The stewards of the meeting carried short policemen's
+truncheons to defend themselves, and a number of these gathered round
+their chief and saved his life. He and his friends had to fight their way
+out of the park; a man, armed with some sharp instrument, struck at Mr.
+Bradlaugh from behind, and cut one side of his hat from top to brim; his
+truncheon was dinted with the jagged iron used as weapon; and his left
+arm, with which he guarded his head, was one mass of bruises from wrist
+to elbow. Lord Beaconsfield's friends very nearly succeeded in their
+attempt at murder, after all, for a dangerous attack of erysipelas set
+in, in the injured arm, and confined Mr. Bradlaugh to his room for
+sixteen days.
+
+The provinces were far more strongly against war than was the capital,
+and in them we held many large and enthusiastic meetings in favor of
+peace. At Huddersfield the great Drill Hall was crammed for a lecture by
+me against war, and throughout Yorkshire and Lancashire scarcely a voice
+was ever raised in crowded meetings in defence of the Beaconsfieldian
+policy. A leaflet of mine, entitled "Rushing into War", was reprinted in
+various parts of the country, and was circulated in tens of thousands,
+and each Freethought leader worked with tongue and pen, on platform and
+in press, to turn the public feeling against war. The Freethought party
+may well take credit to itself for having been first in the field against
+the Tory policy, and for having successfully begun the work later carried
+on by Mr. Gladstone in his Midlothian campaign. They did more than any
+other party in the country to create that force of public opinion which
+overthrew the Tory Government in 1880.
+
+
+
+XVII.
+
+
+The year 1878 was a dark one for me; it saw me deprived of my little
+daughter, despite the deed of separation by which the custody of the
+child had been assigned to me. The first notice that an application was
+to be made to the High Court of Chancery to deprive me of this custody
+reached me in January, 1878, while the decision on the Knowlton case was
+still pending, but the petition was not filed till April. The time was
+ill-chosen; Mabel had caught scarlet fever at a day-school she was
+attending, and for some days was dangerously ill. The fact of her illness
+was communicated to her father, and while the child was lying ill in bed,
+and I had cancelled all engagements so that I might not leave her side, I
+received a copy of the petition to deprive me of her custody. This
+document alleged as grounds for taking away the child:
+
+"The said Annie Besant is, by addresses, lectures, and writings,
+endeavoring to propagate the principles of Atheism, and has published a
+book intituled: 'The Gospel of Atheism'. She has also associated herself
+with an infidel lecturer and author, named Charles Bradlaugh, in giving
+lectures and in publishing books and pamphlets, whereby the truth of the
+Christian religion is impeached, and disbelief in all religion is
+inculcated.
+
+"The said Annie Besant has also, in conjunction with the said Charles
+Bradlaugh, published an indecent and obscene pamphlet called 'The Fruits
+of Philosophy'.
+
+"The said pamphlet has recently been the subject of legal proceedings, in
+the course of which the said Annie Besant publicly justified its contents
+and publication, and stated, or inferred, that in her belief it would be
+right to teach young children the physiological facts contained in the
+said pamphlet. [This was a deliberate falsehood: I had never stated or
+inferred anything of the kind.] The said Annie Besant has also edited and
+published a pamphlet intituled 'The Law of Population; its consequences,
+and its bearing upon human conduct and morals', to which book or pamphlet
+your petitioners crave leave to refer."
+
+The petition was unfortunately heard before the Master of the Rolls, Sir
+George Jessel, a man animated by the old spirit of Hebrew bigotry, and
+who had superadded to this the coarse time-serving morality of "a man of
+the world", sceptical of all sincerity, and contemptuous of all
+self-devotion to a cause that did not pay, as of a weakness by which he
+was himself singularly unassailable. The treatment I received at his
+hands on my first appearance in Court told me what I had to expect. After
+my previous experience of the courtesy of English judges, I was startled
+to hear a harsh, loud voice exclaim, in answer to a statement from Mr.
+Ince. Q.C., that I appeared in person:
+
+"Appear in person? A lady appear in person? Never heard of such a thing!
+Does the lady really appear in person?"
+
+After a variety of similar remarks, delivered in the most grating tones
+and with the roughest manner, Sir George Jessel tried to attain his
+object by browbeating me directly.
+
+"Is this the lady?"
+
+"I am the respondent to the petition, my lord--Mrs. Besant." "Then I
+advise you, Mrs. Besant, to employ counsel to represent you, if you can
+afford it, and I suppose you can."
+
+"With all submission to your lordship, I am afraid I must claim my right
+of arguing my case in person."
+
+"You will do so if you please, of course, but I think you had much better
+appear by counsel. I give you notice that, if you do not, you must not
+expect to be shown any consideration. You will not be heard by me at any
+greater length than the case requires, nor allowed to go into irrelevant
+matter, as persons who argue their own cases generally do."
+
+"I trust I shall not do so, my lord; but in any case I shall be arguing
+under your lordship's complete control."
+
+This encouraging beginning may be taken as a sample of the case. Mr.
+Ince, the counsel on the other side, was constantly practising in the
+Rolls' Court, knew all the judge's peculiarities, how to flatter and
+humor him on the one hand, and how to irritate him against his opponent
+on the other. Nor was Mr. Ince above using his influence with the Master
+of the Rolls to obtain an unfair advantage, knowing that whatever he said
+would be believed against any contradiction of mine: thus he tried to
+obtain costs against me on the ground that the public helped me, whereas
+his client received no subscriptions in aid of his suit; yet as a matter
+of fact subscriptions had been collected for his client, and the Bishop
+of Lincoln, and many of the principal clergy and churchmen of the diocese
+had contributed liberally towards the persecution of the Atheist.
+
+Mr. Ince and Mr. Bardswell argued that my Atheism and Malthusianism made
+me an unfit guardian for my child; Mr. Ince declared that Mabel, educated
+by me, would "be helpless for good in this world", and "hopeless for good
+hereafter"; outcast in this life and damned in the next; Mr. Bardswell
+implored the Judge to consider that my custody of her "would be
+detrimental to the future prospects of the child in society, to say
+nothing of her eternal prospects". I could have laughed, had not the
+matter been so terribly serious, at the mixture of Mrs. Grundy,
+marriage-establishment, and hell, presented as an argument for robbing a
+mother of her child. Once only did judge and counsel fall out; Mr.
+Bardswell had carelessly forgotten that Sir George Jessel was a Jew, and
+lifting eyes to heaven said:
+
+"Your lordship, I think, will scarcely credit it, but Mrs. Besant says in
+a later affidavit that she took away the Testament from the child,
+because it contained coarse passages unfit for a child to read."
+
+To his horror, Sir George Jessel considered there were "some passages
+which a child had better not read in the New Testament", and went on:
+
+"It is not true to say there are no passages that are unfit for a child's
+reading, because I think there are a great many.
+
+"Mr. BARDSWELL: I do not know of any passages that could fairly be called
+coarse.
+
+"Sir G. JESSEL: I cannot quite assent to that."
+
+With the exception of this little outburst of religious feeling against
+the book written by apostate Jews, Jewish judge and Christian counsel
+were united in their hatred of the Atheist. My argument fell on deaf
+ears; I distinctly admitted that I was an Atheist, that I had withdrawn
+the child from religious instruction at school, that I was the author of
+the "Gospel of Atheism", "The Fruits of Christianity", "The Freethinkers'
+Text Book, Part II.", and "The Law of Population", produced against me: I
+claimed her custody on the ground that it was given me by the deed of
+separation executed by the father who was trying to set it aside, and
+that no pretence was made that the child was neglected, the admission
+being, on the contrary, that she was admirably cared for: I offered
+lastly, if she were taken from me, to devote £110 a-year to her
+maintenance and education, provided that she were placed in the hands of
+a third person, not of her father. Sir George Jessel decided against me,
+as he had clearly intended to do from the very outset, and as the part of
+his judgment affecting Freethinkers as parents is of continued interest I
+reprint it here.
+
+"I am glad to say that, so far as I can see, Mrs. Besant has been kind
+and affectionate in her conduct and behavior towards the child, and has
+taken the greatest possible care of her so far as regards her physical
+welfare. I have no doubt she entertains that sincere affection for the
+child which a mother should always feel, and which no merely speculative
+opinions can materially affect. But, unfortunately, since her separation
+from her husband, Mrs. Besant has taken upon herself not merely to ignore
+religion, not merely to believe in no religion, but to publish and avow
+that non-belief--to become the publisher of pamphlets written by herself,
+and to deliver lectures composed by herself, stating her disbelief in
+religion altogether, and stating that she has no belief in the existence
+of a providence or a God. She has endeavored to convince others, by her
+lectures and by her pamphlets, that the denial of all religion is a right
+and proper thing to recommend to mankind at large. It is not necessary
+for me to express any opinion as to the religious convictions of any one,
+or even as to their non-religious convictions. But I must, as a man of
+the world, consider what effect on a woman's position this course of
+conduct must lead to. I know, and must know as a man of the world, that
+her course of conduct must quite cut her off, practically, not merely
+from the sympathy of, but from social intercourse with, the great
+majority of her sex. I do not believe a single clergyman's wife in
+England living with her husband would approve of such conduct, or
+associate with Mrs. Besant; and I must take that into consideration in
+considering what effect it would have upon the child if brought up by a
+woman of such reputation. But the matter does not stop there. Not only
+does Mrs. Besant entertain those opinions which are reprobated by the
+great mass of mankind--whether rightly or wrongly I have no business to
+say, though I, of course, think rightly--but she carries those
+speculative opinions into practice as regards the education of the child,
+and from the moment she does that she brings herself within the lines of
+the decisions of Lord Chancellors and eminent judges with reference to
+the custody of children by persons holding speculative opinions, and in
+those cases it has been held that before giving the custody of a child to
+those who entertain such speculative opinions the Court must consider
+what effect infusing those opinions as part of its practical education
+would have upon the child. That is undoubtedly a matter of the greatest
+importance. Upon this point there is no conflict of testimony whatever.
+Mrs. Besant herself says that she prohibited the governess from giving
+any religious education to the child, and has prevented the child from
+obtaining any religious education at all. When the child went to school--
+a day school, as I understand--Mrs. Besant prohibited the governess of
+that school from imparting any religious education, in the same way that
+she had prohibited the former governess, who was a home governess, from
+giving any religious education, and Mrs. Besant gave none herself. It is,
+therefore, not only the entertaining and publishing these opinions, but
+she considers it her duty so to educate the child as to prevent her
+having any religious opinions whatever until she attains a proper age. I
+have no doubt that Mrs. Besant is conscientious in her opinions upon all
+these matters, but I also have a conscientious opinion, and I am bound to
+give effect to it. I think such a course of education not only
+reprehensible but detestable, and likely to work utter ruin to the child,
+and I certainly should upon this ground alone decide that this child
+ought not to remain another day under the care of her mother."
+
+As to the publication of the Knowlton pamphlet, Sir George Jessel decided
+that that also was a good ground for separating mother and child. He
+committed himself to the shameful statement, so strongly condemned by the
+Lord Chief Justice, that Dr. Knowlton was in favor of "promiscuous
+intercourse without marriage", and then uttered the gross falsehood that
+his view "was exactly the same as was entertained by the Lord Chief
+Justice of England". After this odious misrepresentation, I was not
+surprised to hear from him words of brutal insult to myself. I print here
+an article on him written at the time, not one word of which I now
+regret, and which I am glad to place on record in permanent form, now
+that only his memory remains for me to hate.
+
+"SIR GEORGE JESSEL.
+
+"During the long struggle which began in March, 1877, no word has escaped
+me against the respective judges before whom I have had to plead. Some
+have been harsh, but, at least, they have been fairly just, and even if a
+sign of prejudice appeared, it was yet not sufficient to be a scandal to
+the Bench. Of Sir George Jessel, however, I cannot speak in terms even of
+respect, for in his conduct towards myself he has been rough, coarse, and
+unfair, to an extent that I never expected to see in any English judge.
+Sir George Jessel is subtle and acute, but he is rude, overbearing, and
+coarse; he has the sneer of a Mephistopheles, mingled with a curious
+monkeyish pleasure in inflicting pain. Sir George Jessel prides himself
+on being 'a man of the world', and he expresses the low morality common
+to that class when the phrase is taken in its worst sense; he holds, like
+the 'men of the world', who 'see life' in Leicester Square and the
+Haymarket, that women are kept chaste only through fear and from lack of
+opportunity; that men may be loose in morals if they will, and that women
+are divided into two classes for their use--one to be the victims and the
+toys of the moment, the others to be kept ignorant and strictly guarded,
+so as to be worthy of being selected as wives. Sir George Jessel
+considers that a woman becomes an outcast from society because she thinks
+that women would be happier, healthier, safer, if they had some slight
+acquaintance with physiology, and were not condemned, through ignorance,
+to give birth to human lives foredoomed to misery, to disease, and to
+starvation. Sir George Jessel says that no 'modest woman' will associate
+with one who spreads among her sex the knowledge which will enable her
+sisters to limit their families within their means. The old brutal Jewish
+spirit, regarding women as the mere slaves of men, breaks out in the
+coarse language which disgraced himself rather than the woman at whom it
+was aimed. Sir George Jessel might have been surprised, had he been in
+the Free Trade Hall, Manchester, on the following day, and had seen it
+filled with men and women, quiet looking, well dressed, and respectable,
+and had heard the cries of 'Shame on him!' which rang round the hall,
+when his brutal remark was quoted. Such language only causes a re-action
+towards the insulted person even among those who would otherwise be
+antagonistic, and Sir George Jessel has ranged on my side many a woman
+who, but for him, would have held aloof.
+
+"Sir George Jessel is a Jew; he thinks that a parent should be deprived
+of a child if he or she withholds from it religious training. Two hundred
+years ago, Sir George Jessel's children might have been taken from him
+because he did not bring them up as Christians; Sir George Jessel and his
+race have been relieved from disabilities, and he now joins the
+persecuting majority, and deals out to the Atheist the same measure dealt
+to his forefathers by the Christians. The Master of the Rolls pretended
+that by depriving me of my child he was inflicting no punishment on me!
+If the Master of the Rolls have any children, he must be as hard-hearted
+in the home as he is on the bench, if he would not feel that any penalty
+was inflicted on him if his little ones were torn from him and handed
+over to a Christian priest, who would teach them to despise him as a Jew,
+and hate him as a denier of Christ. Even now, Jews are under many social
+disabilities, and even when richly gilt, Christian society looks upon
+them with thinly-concealed dislike. The old wicked prejudice still
+survives against them, and it is with shame and with disgust that
+Liberals see a Jew trying to curry favor with Christian society by
+reviving the obsolete penalties once inflicted on his own people.
+
+"Sir George Jessel was not only brutally harsh; he was also utterly
+unfair. He quoted the Lord Chief Justice as agreeing with him in his
+judgment on Knowlton, on points where the Chief had distinctly expressed
+the contrary opinion, and he did this not through ignorance, but with the
+eloquent words of Sir Alexander Cockburn lying in front of him, and after
+I had pointed out to him, and he had deliberately read, or professed to
+read, the passages which contained the exact contrary of that which he
+put into the Chief's mouth.
+
+"Of one thing Sir George Jessel and his Christian friends may be sure:
+that neither prosecution nor penalty will prevent me from teaching both
+Atheism and Malthusianism to all who will listen to me, and since
+Christianity is still so bigoted as to take the child from the mother
+because of a difference of creed, I will strain every nerve to convert
+the men and women around me, and more especially the young, to a creed
+more worthy of humanity.
+
+"Sir George Jessel pretended to have the child's interests at heart: in
+reality he utterly ignored them. I offered to settle £110 a year on the
+child if she was placed in the charge of some trustworthy and respectable
+person, but the Master did not even notice the offer. He takes away the
+child from plenty and comfort, and throws her into comparative poverty;
+he takes her away from most tender and watchful care, and places her
+under the guardianship of a man so reckless of her health, that he chose
+the moment of her serious illness to ask for her removal; he takes her
+away from cultured and thoughtful society to place her among
+half-educated farmers. Nay, he goes further: Dr. Drysdale's affidavit
+stated that it was absolutely necessary at present that she should have
+her mother's care; and Sir George Jessel disregards this, and, in her
+still weak state, drags her from her home and from all she cares for,
+and throws her into the hands of strangers. If any serious results
+follow, Sir George Jessel will be morally, though not legally,
+responsible for them. In her new home she can have no gentle womanly
+attendance. No Christian lady of high character will risk the
+misconstruction to which she would be exposed by living alone at Sibsey
+Vicarage with a young clergyman who is neither a bachelor nor a widower;
+the child will be condemned either to solitary neglect at home, or to the
+cold strictness of a boarding-school. She is bright, gay, intelligent,
+merry now. What will she be at a year's end? My worst wish for Sir George
+Jessel is that the measure he has meted out to me may, before he dies, be
+measured out to him or his."
+
+There is little to add to the story. I gave the child up, as I was
+compelled to do, and gave notice of appeal to the Court of Appeal against
+the order of the Master of the Rolls. Meanwhile, as all access to the
+children was denied me by the father, I gave him notice that unless
+access were given I would sue for a restitution of conjugal rights,
+merely for the sake of seeing my children. As the deed of separation had
+been broken by his action, I supposed that the courts would not permit it
+to be broken for his advantage while holding it binding on me. Unhappily,
+at this critical point, my health gave way; the loneliness and silence of
+the house, of which my darling had always been the sunshine and the
+music, weighed on me like an evil dream: at night I could not sleep,
+missing in the darkness the soft breathing of the little child; her cries
+as she clung to me and was forcibly carried away rang ever in my ears; at
+last, on July 25th, I was suddenly struck down with fever, and had the
+rest of pain and delirium instead of the agony of conscious loss. While I
+was lying there prostrate an order was served on me from the Master of
+the Rolls, granted on Mr. Besant's application, to restrain me from
+bringing any suit against him. As soon as I recovered, I took steps for
+contesting this order, but no definite action could be taken until after
+the Long Vacation. The case came on for hearing first in November, 1878,
+and then in January, 1879. All access to the children had been denied me,
+and the money due to me had been withheld. By this my opponent had put
+himself so completely in the wrong that even the Master of the Rolls
+uttered words of severe condemnation of the way in which I had been
+treated. Then a curious interlude took place. The Master of the Rolls
+advised me to file a counter-claim for divorce or for judicial
+separation, and I gladly agreed to do so, feeling very doubtful as to the
+Master of the Rolls' power to do anything of the kind, but very glad that
+he should think he had the authority. While the claim was being prepared,
+I obtained access to the children under an interim order, as well as the
+money owing to me, and at the end of March the case again came before the
+Master of the Rolls. The claim filed alleged distinct acts of cruelty,
+and I brought witnesses to support the claim, among them the doctor who
+had attended me during my married life. Mr. Ince filed an answer of
+general denial, adding that the acts of cruelty, if any, were "done in
+the heat of the moment". He did not, however, venture to contest the
+case, although I tendered myself for cross-examination, but pleaded the
+deed of separation as a bar to further proceedings on my part; I argued
+on the other hand that as the deed had been broken by the plaintiff's
+act, all my original rights revived. Sir George Jessel held that the deed
+of separation condoned all that had gone before it, if it was raised as a
+bar to further proceedings, and expressed his regret that he had not
+known there would be "any objection on the other side", when he advised a
+claim for a judicial separation. On the final hearing of the case in
+April in the Rolls' Court Sir George Jessel decided that the deed of
+separation was good as protecting Mr. Besant from any suit on my part to
+obtain a decree for the restitution of conjugal rights, although it had
+been set aside on the one matter of value to me--the custody of my child.
+The net result of the proceedings was that had I gone to the Divorce
+Court in 1873, I might at least have obtained a divorce _a mensa e
+thoro_; that in my desire to avoid publicity, and content in what I
+believed to be secure possession of my child, I had agreed to a deed
+which fully protected Mr. Besant against any action on my part, but which
+could be set aside by him for the purpose of robbing me of my child.
+
+The argument in the Court of Appeal came on during April, and was, as I
+expected, decided against me, the absolute right of the father being
+declared, and a married mother held to have no sort of claim over her own
+children. The worst stigma affixed to marriage by the law of England is
+this ignoring of any right of the married mother to her child; the law
+protects the unmarried, but insults the married, mother, and places in
+the hands of the legal husband an instrument of torture whose power to
+agonise depends on the tenderness and strength of the motherliness of the
+wife. In fact the law says to every woman: "Choose which of these two
+positions you will have: if you are legally your husband's wife you can
+have no legal claim to your children; if legally you are your husband's
+mistress, then your rights as mother are secure".
+
+But one thing I gained in the Court of Appeal. The Court expressed a
+strong view as to my right of access, and directed me to apply to Sir
+George Jessel for it, stating that it could not doubt that he would give
+it. I made the application and obtained an order of access to the
+children, seeing them alone, once a month; of a visit of the children to
+London twice a year, with their governess, for a week each time; of a
+week at the seaside in similar fashion once a year; of a weekly letter
+from each of them with the right of reply. This order, obtained after
+such long struggle, has proved useless. The monthly visit so upset my
+poor little daughter, and made her fret so constantly after me, that in
+mercy to her I felt compelled to relinquish it; on the first visit to the
+seaside, I was saddled with the cost of maintaining the Rev. Mr. and Mrs.
+Child, who were placed as guardians of the children, and who treated me
+in their presence as though I were a dangerous animal from whom they were
+to be protected. To give but an instance of the sort of treatment I
+received, I wished Mabel to have the benefit of sea-bathing, and was told
+that she could not be allowed to bathe with me, and this with a
+suggestiveness that sorely taxed my self-control. I could not apply to
+the Court against the ingenious forms of petty insult employed, while I
+felt that they must inevitably estrange the children from me if practised
+always in their presence. After a vain appeal that some sort of
+consideration should be shown to me, an appeal answered by a mocking
+suggestion that I should complain to the Master of the Rolls, I made up
+my mind as to my future course. I resolved neither to see nor to write to
+my children until they were old enough to understand and to judge for
+themselves, and I know that I shall win my daughter back in her
+womanhood, though I have been robbed of her childhood. By effacing myself
+then, I saved her from a constant and painful struggle unfitted for
+childhood's passionate feelings, and left her only a memory that she
+loves, undefaced by painful remembrances of her mother insulted in her
+presence.
+
+Unhappily Sir George Jessel has terribly handicapped her future; left to
+me she would have had the highest education now open to girls; left to
+her present guardian she receives only fifth-rate teaching, utterly
+unfitted for the present day. Twice I have offered to bear the whole
+expense of her education in the High School at Cheltenham, or in some
+London College, without in any way appearing in the matter, but each time
+my offer has been roughly and insultingly refused, and the influence that
+marred the mother's life is undermining the future happiness of the
+child's. But I am not without hope that I may be able to obtain from the
+Court of Chancery an order for the benefit of its ward, and I trust
+before very long that I shall be able to insure to my child an education
+which will fit her to play her part worthily when she reaches womanhood.
+I had hoped to save her from the pain of rejecting a superstitious faith,
+but that is now impossible, and she must fight her way out of darkness
+into light as her mother did before her. But in order that she may do so,
+education now is of vital importance, and that I am striving to obtain
+for her. I live in the hope that in her womanhood she may return to the
+home she was torn from in her childhood, and that, in faithful work and
+noble endeavor, she may wear in future years in the Freethought ranks a
+name not wholly unloved or unhonored therein, for the sake of the woman
+who has borne it in the van through eleven years of strife.
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Autobiographical Sketches, by Annie Besant
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11376 ***
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Autobiographical Sketches, by Annie Besant
+
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+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
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+Title: Autobiographical Sketches
+
+Author: Annie Besant
+
+Release Date: February 29, 2004 [EBook #11376]
+
+Language: English
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+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES ***
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+
+                             AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL
+
+                                 SKETCHES.
+
+                                    BY
+
+                               ANNIE BESANT
+
+                                   1885.
+
+
+                         AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES.
+
+
+I am so often asked for references to some pamphlet or journal in which
+may be found some outline of my life, and the enquiries are so often
+couched in terms of such real kindness, that I have resolved to pen a few
+brief autobiographical sketches, which may avail to satisfy friendly
+questioners, and to serve, in some measure, as defence against unfair
+attack.
+
+
+
+I.
+
+
+On October 1st, 1847, I made my appearance in this "vale of tears",
+"little Pheasantina", as I was irreverently called by a giddy aunt, a pet
+sister of my mother's. Just at that time my father and mother were
+staying within the boundaries of the City of London, so that I was born
+well "within the sound of Bow bells".
+
+Though born in London, however, full three quarters of my blood are
+Irish. My dear mother was a Morris--the spelling of the name having been
+changed from Maurice some five generations back--and I have often heard
+her tell a quaint story, illustrative of that family pride which is so
+common a feature of a decayed Irish family. She was one of a large
+family, and her father and mother, gay, handsome, and extravagant, had
+wasted merrily what remained to them of patrimony. I can remember her
+father well, for I was fourteen years of age when he died. A bent old
+man, with hair like driven snow, splendidly handsome in his old age,
+hot-tempered to passion at the lightest provocation, loving and wrath in
+quick succession. As the family grew larger and the moans grew smaller,
+many a pinch came on the household, and the parents were glad to accept
+the offer of a relative to take charge of Emily, the second daughter. A
+very proud old lady was this maiden aunt, and over the mantel-piece of
+her drawing-room ever hung a great diagram, a family tree, which mightily
+impressed the warm imagination of the delicate child she had taken in
+charge. It was a lengthy and well-grown family tree, tracing back the
+Morris family to the days of Charlemagne, and branching out from a stock
+of "the seven kings of France". Was there ever yet a decayed. Irish
+family that did not trace itself back to some "kings"? and these
+"Milesian kings"--who had been expelled from France, doubtless for good
+reasons, and who had sailed across the sea and landed in fair Erin, and
+there had settled and robbed and fought--did more good 800 years after
+their death than they did, I expect, during their ill-spent lives, if
+they proved a source of gentle harmless pride to the old maiden lady who
+admired their names over her mantel-piece in the earlier half of the
+present century. And, indeed, they acted as a kind of moral thermometer,
+in a fashion that would much have astonished their ill-doing and
+barbarous selves. For my mother has told me how when she would commit
+some piece of childish naughtiness, her aunt would say, looking gravely
+over her spectacles at the small culprit: "Emily, your conduct is
+unworthy of the descendant of the seven kings of France." And Emily, with
+her sweet grey Irish eyes, and her curling masses of raven-black hair,
+would cry in penitent shame over her unworthiness, with some vague idea
+that those royal, and to her very real ancestors, would despise her small
+sweet rosebud self, as wholly unworthy of their disreputable majesties.
+But that same maiden aunt trained the child right well, and I keep ever
+grateful memory of her, though I never knew her, for her share in forming
+the tenderest, sweetest, proudest, purest, noblest woman I have ever
+known. I have never met a woman more selflessly devoted to those she
+loved, more passionately contemptuous of all that was mean or base, more
+keenly sensitive on every question of honor, more iron in will, more
+sweet in tenderness, than the mother who made my girlhood sunny as
+dreamland, who guarded me until my marriage from every touch of pain that
+she could ward off, or could bear for me, who suffered more in every
+trouble that touched me in later life than I did myself, and who died in
+the little house I had taken for our new home in Norwood, worn out ere
+old age touched her, by sorrow, poverty and pain, in May, 1874.
+
+Of my father my memory is less vivid, for he died when I was but five
+years old. He was of mixed race, English on his father's side, Irish on
+his mother's, and was born in Galway, and educated in Ireland; he took
+his degree at Dublin University, and walked the hospitals as a medical
+student. But after he had qualified as a medical man a good appointment
+was offered him by a relative in the City of London, and he never
+practised regularly as a doctor.
+
+In the City his prospects were naturally promising; the elder branch of
+the Wood Family, to which he belonged, had for many generations been
+settled in Devonshire, farming their own land. When the eldest son
+William, my father, came of age, he joined with his father to cut off the
+entail, and the old acres were sold. Meanwhile members of other branches
+had entered commercial life, and had therein prospered exceedingly. One
+of them had become Lord Mayor of London, had vigorously supported the
+unhappy Queen Caroline, had paid the debts of the Duke of Kent, in order
+that that reputable individual might return to England with his Duchess,
+so that the future heir to the throne might be born on English soil; he
+had been rewarded with a baronetcy as a cheap method of paying his
+services. Another, my father's first cousin once removed, a young
+barrister, had successfully pleaded a suit in which was concerned the
+huge fortune of a miserly relative, and had thus laid the foundations of
+a great success; he won for himself a vice-chancellorship and a
+knighthood, and then the Lord Chancellorship of England, with the barony
+of Hatherley. A third, a brother of the last, Western Wood, was doing
+good service in the House of Commons. A fourth, a cousin of the last two,
+had thrown himself with such spirit and energy into mining work, that he
+had accumulated a fortune. In fact all the scattered branches had made
+their several ways in the world, save that elder one to which my father
+belonged. That had vegetated on down in the country, and had grown poorer
+while the others grew richer. My father's brothers had somewhat of a
+fight for life. One has prospered and is comfortable and well-to-do. The
+other led for years a rough and wandering life, and "came to grief"
+generally. Some years ago I heard of him as a store-keeper in Portsmouth
+dock-yard, occasionally boasting in feeble fashion that his cousin was
+Lord Chancellor of England, and not many months since I heard from him in
+South Africa, where he has secured some appointment in the Commissariat
+Department, not, I fear, of a very lucrative character.
+
+Let us come back to Pheasantina, who, I am told, was a delicate and
+somewhat fractious infant, giving to both father and mother considerable
+cause for anxiety. Her first attempts at rising in the world were
+attended with disaster, for as she was lying in a cradle, with carved
+iron canopy, and was for a moment left by her nurse in full faith that
+she could not rise from the recumbent position, Miss Pheasantina
+determined to show that she was capable of unexpected independence, and
+made a vigorous struggle to assume that upright position which is the
+proud prerogative of man. In another moment the recumbent position was
+re-assumed, and the nurse returning found the baby's face covered with
+blood, streaming from a severe wound on the forehead, the iron fretwork
+having proved harder than the baby's head. The scar remains down to the
+present time, and gives me the valuable peculiarity of only wrinkling up
+one side of my forehead when I raise my eyebrows, a feat that I defy any
+of my readers to emulate. The heavy cut has, I suppose, so injured the
+muscles in that spot that they have lost the normal power of contraction.
+
+My earliest personal recollections are of a house and garden that we
+lived in when I was three and four years of age, situated in Grove Road,
+St. John's Wood. I can remember my mother hovering round the dinner-table
+to see that all was bright for the home-coming husband; my brother--two
+years older than myself--and I watching "for papa"; the loving welcome,
+the game of romps that always preceded the dinner of the elder folks. I
+can remember on the first of October, 1851, jumping up in my little cot,
+and shouting out triumphantly: "Papa! mamma! I am four years old!" and
+the grave demand of my brother, conscious of superior age, at
+dinner-time: "May not Annie have a knife to-day, as she is four years
+old?"
+
+It was a sore grievance during that same year 1851, that I was not judged
+old enough to go to the Great Exhibition, and I have a faint memory of my
+brother consolingly bringing me home one of those folding pictured strips
+that are sold in the streets, on which were imaged glories that I longed
+only the more to see. Far-away, dusky, trivial memories, these. What a
+pity it is that a baby cannot notice, cannot observe, cannot remember,
+and so throw light on the fashion of the dawning of the external world on
+the human consciousness. If only we could remember how things looked when
+they were first imaged on the retinae; what we felt when first we became
+conscious of the outer world; what the feeling was as faces of father and
+mother grew out of the surrounding chaos and became familiar things,
+greeted with a smile, lost with a cry; if only memory would not become a
+mist when in later years we strive to throw our glances backward into the
+darkness of our infancy, what lessons we might learn to help our
+stumbling psychology, how many questions might be solved whose answers we
+are groping for in vain.
+
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The next scene that stands out clearly against the background of the past
+is that of my father's death-bed. The events which led to his death I
+know from my dear mother. He had never lost his fondness for the
+profession for which he had been trained, and having many medical
+friends, he would now and then accompany them on their hospital rounds,
+or share with them the labors of the dissecting room. It chanced that
+during the dissection of the body of a person who had died of rapid
+consumption, my father cut his finger against the edge of the
+breast-bone. The cut did not heal easily, and the finger became swollen
+and inflamed. "I would have that finger off, Wood, if I were you," said
+one of the surgeons, a day or two afterwards, on seeing the state of the
+wound. But the others laughed at the suggestion, and my father, at first
+inclined to submit to the amputation, was persuaded to "leave Nature
+alone".
+
+About the middle of August, 1852, he got wet through, riding on the top
+of an omnibus, and the wetting resulted in a severe cold, which "settled
+on his chest". One of the most eminent doctors of the day, as able as he
+was rough in manner, was called to see him. He examined him carefully,
+sounded his lungs, and left the room followed by my mother. "Well?" she
+asked, scarcely anxious as to the answer, save as it might worry her
+husband to be kept idly at home. "You must keep up his spirits", was the
+thoughtless answer. "He is in a galloping consumption; you will not have
+him with you six weeks longer." The wife staggered back, and fell like a
+stone on the floor. But love triumphed over agony, and half an hour later
+she was again at her husband's side, never to leave it again for ten
+minutes at a time, night or day, till he was lying with closed eyes
+asleep in death.
+
+I was lifted on to the bed to "say good-bye to dear Papa" on the day
+before his death, and I remember being frightened at his eyes which
+looked so large, and his voice which sounded so strange, as he made me
+promise always to be "a very good girl to darling Mamma, as Papa was
+going right away". I remember insisting that "Papa should kiss Cherry", a
+doll given me on my birthday, three days before, by his direction, and
+being removed, crying and struggling, from the room. He died on the
+following day, October 5th, and I do not think that my elder brother and
+I--who were staying at our maternal grandfather's--went to the house
+again until the day of the funeral. With the death, my mother broke down,
+and when all was over they carried her senseless from the room. I
+remember hearing afterwards how, when she recovered her senses, she
+passionately insisted on being left alone, and locked herself into her
+room for the night; and how on the following morning her mother, at last
+persuading her to open the door, started back at the face she saw with
+the cry: "Good God! Emily! your hair is white!" It was even so; her hair,
+black, glossy and abundant, which, contrasting with her large grey eyes,
+had made her face so strangely attractive, had turned grey in that night
+of agony, and to me my mother's face is ever framed in exquisite silver
+bands of hair as white as the driven unsullied snow.
+
+I have heard that the love between my father and mother was a very
+beautiful thing, and it most certainly stamped her character for life. He
+was keenly intellectual, and splendidly educated; a mathematician and a
+good classical scholar, thoroughly master of French, German, Italian,
+Spanish, and Portuguese, with a smattering of Hebrew and Gaelic, the
+treasures of ancient and of modern literature were his daily household
+delight. Nothing pleased him so well as to sit with his wife, reading
+aloud to her while she worked; now translating from some foreign poet,
+now rolling forth melodiously the exquisite cadences of Queen Mab.
+Student of philosophy as he was, he was deeply and steadily sceptical;
+and a very religious relative has told me that he often drove her from
+the room by his light playful mockery of the tenets of the Christian
+faith. His mother and sister were strict Roman Catholics, and near the
+end forced a priest into his room, but the priest was promptly ejected by
+the wrath of the dying man, and by the almost fierce resolve of the wife
+that no messenger of the creed he detested should trouble her darling at
+the last.
+
+This scepticism of his was not wholly shared by his wife, who held to the
+notion that women should be "religious," while men might philosophise as
+they would; but it so deeply influenced her own intellectual life that
+she utterly rejected the most irrational dogmas of Christianity, such as
+eternal punishment, the vicarious atonement of Christ, the doctrine that
+faith is necessary to salvation, the equality of Christ with God, the
+infallibility of the Bible; she made morality of life, not orthodoxy of
+belief, her measure of "religion"; she was "a Christian", in her own view
+of the matter, but it was a Christian of the school of Jowett, of
+Colenso, and of Stanley. The latter writer had for her, in after years,
+the very strongest fascination, and I am not sure that his "variegated
+use of words", so fiercely condemned by Dr. Pusey, did not exactly suit
+her own turn of mind, which shrank back intellectually from the crude
+dogmas of orthodox Christianity, but clung poetically to the artistic
+side of religion, to its art and to its music, to the grandeur of its
+glorious fanes, and the solemnity of its stately ritual. She detested the
+meretricious show, the tinsel gaudiness, the bowing and genuflecting, the
+candles and the draperies, of Romanism, and of its pinchbeck imitator
+Ritualism; but I doubt whether she knew any keener pleasure than to sit
+in one of the carved stalls of Westminster Abbey, listening to the
+polished sweetness of Dean Stanley's exquisite eloquence; or to the
+thunder of the organ mingled with the voices of the white-robed
+choristers, as the music rose and fell, as it pealed up to the arched
+roof and lost itself in the carven fretwork, or died away softly among
+the echoes of the chapels in which kings and saints and sages lay
+sleeping, enshrining in themselves the glories and the sorrows of the
+past.
+
+To return to October, 1852. On the day of the funeral my elder brother
+and I were taken back to the house where my father lay dead, and while my
+brother went as chief mourner, poor little boy swamped in crape and
+miserable exceedingly, I sat in an upstairs room with my mother and her
+sisters; and still comes back to me her figure, seated on a sofa, with
+fixed white face and dull vacant eyes, counting the minutes till the
+funeral procession would have reached Kensal Green, and then following in
+mechanical fashion, prayer-book in hand, the service, stage by stage,
+until to my unspeakable terror, with the words, dully spoken, "It is all
+over", she fell back fainting. And here comes a curious psychological
+problem which has often puzzled me. Some weeks later she resolved to go
+and see her husband's grave. A relative who had been present at the
+funeral volunteered to guide her to the spot, but lost his way in that
+wilderness of graves. Another of the small party went off to find one of
+the officials and to enquire, and my mother said: "If you will take me to
+the chapel where the first part of the service was read, I will find the
+grave". To humor her whim, he led her thither, and, looking round for a
+moment or two, she started from the chapel, followed the path along which
+the corpse had been borne, and was standing by the newly-made grave when
+the official arrived to point it out. Her own explanation was that she
+had seen all the service; what is certain is, that she had never been to
+Kensal Green before, and that she walked steadily to the grave from the
+chapel. Whether the spot had been carefully described to her, whether she
+had heard others talking of its position or not, we could never
+ascertain; she had no remembrance of any such description, and the matter
+always remained to us a problem. But after the lapse of years a hundred
+little things may have been forgotten which unconsciously served as
+guides at the time. She must have been, of course, at that time, in a
+state of abnormal nervous excitation, a state of which another proof was
+shortly afterwards given. The youngest of our little family was a boy
+about three years younger than myself, a very beautiful child, blue-eyed
+and golden haired--I have still a lock of his hair, of exquisite pale
+golden hue--and the little lad was passionately devoted to his father. He
+was always a delicate boy, and had I suppose, therefore, been specially
+petted, and he fretted continually for "papa". It is probable that the
+consumptive taint had touched him, for he pined steadily away, with no
+marked disease, during the winter months. One morning my mother calmly
+stated: "Alf is going to die". It was in vain that it was urged on her
+that with the spring strength would return to the child. "No", she
+persisted. "He was lying asleep in my arms last night, and William came
+to me and said that he wanted Alf with him, but that I might keep the
+other two." She had in her a strong strain of Celtic superstition, and
+thoroughly believed that this "vision"--a most natural dream under the
+circumstances--was a direct "warning", and that her husband had come to
+her to tell her of her approaching loss. This belief was, in her eyes,
+thoroughly justified by the little fellow's death in the following March,
+calling to the end for "Papa! papa!" My brother and I were allowed to see
+him just before he was placed in his coffin; I can see him still, so
+white and beautiful, with a black spot in the middle of the fair waxen
+forehead, and I remember the deadly cold which startled me when I was
+told to kiss my little brother. It was the first time that I had touched
+Death. That black spot made a curious impression on me, and long
+afterwards, asking what had caused it, I was told that at the moment
+after his death my mother had passionately kissed the baby brow. Pathetic
+thought, that the mother's kiss of farewell should have been marked by
+the first sign of corruption on the child's face.
+
+And now began my mother's time of struggle and of anxiety. Hitherto,
+since her marriage, she had known no money troubles, for her husband was
+earning a good income; he was apparently vigorous and well: no thought of
+anxiety clouded their future. When he died, he believed that he left his
+wife and children safe, at least, from pecuniary distress. It was not so.
+I know nothing of the details, but the outcome of all was that nothing
+was left for the widow and children, save a trifle of ready money. The
+resolve to which, my mother came was characteristic. Two of her husband's
+relatives, Western and Sir William Wood, offered to educate her son at a
+good city school, and to start him in commercial life, using their great
+city influence to push him forward. But the young lad's father and mother
+had talked of a different future for their eldest boy; he was to go to a
+public school, and then to the University, and was to enter one of the
+"learned professions"--to take orders, the mother wished; to go to the
+Bar, the father hoped. On his death-bed there was nothing more earnestly
+urged by my father than that Harry should receive the best possible
+education, and the widow was resolute to fulfil that last wish. In her
+eyes, a city school was not "the best possible education", and the Irish
+pride rebelled against the idea of her son not being "a University man".
+Many were the lectures poured out on the young widow's head about her
+"foolish pride", especially by the female members of the Wood family; and
+her persistence in her own way caused a considerable alienation between
+herself and them. But Western and William, though half-disapproving,
+remained her friends, and lent many a helping hand to her in her first
+difficult struggles. After much cogitation, she resolved that the boy
+should be educated at Harrow, where the fees are comparatively low to
+lads living in the town, and that he should go thence to Cambridge or to
+Oxford, as his tastes should direct. A bold scheme for a penniless widow,
+but carried out to the letter; for never dwelt in a delicate body a more
+resolute mind and will than that of my dear mother.
+
+In a few months' time--during which we lived, poorly enough, in Richmond
+Terrace, Clapham, close to her father and mother--to Harrow, then, she
+betook herself, into lodgings over a grocer's shop, and set herself to
+look for a house. This grocer was a very pompous man, fond of long words,
+and patronised the young widow exceedingly, and one day my mother related
+with much amusement how he had told her that she was sure to get on if
+she worked hard. "Look at me!" he said swelling visibly with importance;
+"I was once a poor boy, without a penny of my own, and now I am a
+comfortable man, and have my submarine villa to go to every evening".
+That "submarine villa" was an object of amusement when we passed it in
+our walks for many a long day. "There is Mr. ----'s submarine villa",
+some one would say, laughing: and I, too, used to laugh merrily, because
+my elders did, though my understanding of the difference between suburban
+and submarine was on a par with that of the honest grocer.
+
+My mother had fortunately found a boy, whose parents were glad to place
+him in her charge, of about the age of her own son, to educate with him;
+and by this means she was able to pay for a tutor, to prepare the two
+boys for school. The tutor had a cork leg, which was a source of serious
+trouble to me, for it stuck out straight behind when we knelt down to
+family prayers--conduct which struck me as irreverent and unbecoming, but
+which I always felt a desire to imitate. After about a year, my mother
+found a house which she thought would suit her scheme, namely, to obtain
+permission from Dr. Vaughan, the then Head Master of Harrow, to take some
+boys into her house, and so gain means of education for her own son. Dr.
+Vaughan, who must have been won by the gentle, strong, little woman, from
+that time forth became her earnest friend and helper; and to the counsel
+and active assistance both of himself and of his wife, was due much of
+the success that crowned her toil. He made only one condition in granting
+the permission she asked, and that was, that she should also have in her
+house one of the masters of the school, so that the boys should not
+suffer from the want of a house-tutor. This condition, of course, she
+readily accepted, and the arrangement lasted for ten years, until after
+her son had left school for Cambridge.
+
+The house she took is now, I am sorry to say, pulled down, and replaced
+by a hideous red-brick structure. It was very old and rambling,
+rose-covered in front, ivy-covered behind; it stood on the top of Harrow
+Hill, between the church and the school, and had once been the vicarage
+of the parish, but the vicar had left it because it was so far removed
+from the part of the village where all his work lay. The drawing-room
+opened by an old-fashioned half-window, half-door--which proved a
+constant source of grief to me, for whenever I had on a new frock I
+always tore it on the bolt as I flew through it--into a large garden
+which sloped down one side of the hill, and was filled with the most
+delightful old trees, fir and laurel, may, mulberry, hazel, apple, pear,
+and damson, not to mention currant and gooseberry bushes innumerable, and
+large strawberry beds spreading down the sunny slopes. There was not a
+tree there that I did not climb, and one, a widespreading Portugal
+laurel, was my private country house. I had there my bedroom and my
+sitting-rooms, my study, and my larder. The larder was supplied by the
+fruit-trees, from which I was free to pick as I would, and in the study I
+would sit for hours with some favorite book--Milton's "Paradise Lost" the
+chief favorite of all. The birds must often have felt startled, when from
+the small swinging form perching on a branch, came out in childish tones
+the "Thrones, dominations, princedoms, virtues, powers", of Milton's
+stately and sonorous verse. I liked to personify Satan, and to declaim
+the grand speeches of the hero-rebel, and many a happy hour did I pass in
+Milton's heaven and hell, with for companions Satan and "the Son",
+Gabriel and Abdiel. Then there was a terrace running by the side of the
+churchyard, always dry in the wettest weather, and bordered by an old
+wooden fence, over which clambered roses of every shade; never was such a
+garden for roses as that of the Old Vicarage. At the end of the terrace
+was a little summer-house, and in this a trap-door in the fence, which
+swung open and displayed one of the fairest views in England. Sheer from
+your feet downwards went the hill, and then far below stretched the
+wooded country till your eye reached the towers of Windsor Castle, far
+away on the horizon. It was the view at which Byron was never tired of
+gazing, as he lay on the flat tombstone close by--Byron's tomb, as it is
+still called--of which he wrote:
+
+"Again I behold where for hours I have pondered,
+   As reclining, at eve, on yon tombstone I lay,
+Or round the steep brow of the churchyard I wandered,
+   To catch the last gleam of the sun's setting ray."
+
+Reader mine, if ever you go to Harrow, ask permission to enter the old
+garden, and try the effect of that sudden burst of beauty, as you swing
+back the small trap-door at the terrace end.
+
+Into this house we moved on my eighth birthday, and for eleven years it
+was "home" to me, left always with regret, returned to always with joy.
+
+Almost immediately afterwards I left my mother for the first time; for
+one day, visiting a family who lived close by, I found a stranger sitting
+in the drawing-room, a lame lady with, a strong face, which softened
+marvellously as she smiled at the child who came dancing in; she called
+me to her presently, and took me on her lap and talked to me, and on the
+following day our friend came to see my mother, to ask if she would let
+me go away and be educated with this lady's niece, coming home for the
+holidays regularly, but leaving my education in her hands. At first my
+mother would not hear of it, for she and I scarcely ever left each other;
+my love for her was an idolatry, hers for me a devotion. [A foolish
+little story, about which I was unmercifully teased for years, marked
+that absolute idolatry of her, which has not yet faded from my heart. In
+tenderest rallying one day of the child who trotted after her everywhere,
+content to sit, or stand, or wait, if only she might touch hand or dress
+of "mamma," she said: "Little one (the name by which she always called
+me), if you cling to mamma in this way, I must really get a string and
+tie you to my apron, and how will you like that?" "O mamma darling," came
+the fervent answer, "do let it be in a knot." And, indeed, the tie of
+love between us was so tightly knotted that nothing ever loosened it till
+the sword of Death cut that which pain and trouble never availed to
+slacken in the slightest degree.] But it was urged upon her that the
+advantages of education offered were such as no money could purchase for
+me; that it would be a disadvantage for me to grow up in a houseful of
+boys--and, in truth, I was as good a cricketer and climber as the best of
+them--that my mother would soon be obliged to send me to school, unless
+she accepted an offer which gave me every advantage of school without its
+disadvantages. At last she yielded, and it was decided that Miss Marryat,
+on returning home, should take me with her.
+
+Miss Marryat--the favorite sister of Captain Marryat, the famous
+novelist--was a maiden lady of large means. She had nursed her brother
+through the illness that ended in his death, and had been living with her
+mother at Wimbledon Park. On her mother's death she looked round for work
+which would make her useful in the world, and finding that one of her
+brothers had a large family of girls, she offered to take charge of one
+of them, and to educate her thoroughly. Chancing to come to Harrow, my
+good fortune threw me in her way, and she took a fancy to me and thought
+she would like to teach two little girls rather than one. Hence her offer
+to my mother.
+
+Miss Marryat had a perfect genius for teaching, and took in it the
+greatest delight. From time to time she added another child to our party,
+sometimes a boy, sometimes a girl. At first, with Amy Marryat and myself,
+there was a little boy, Walter Powys, son of a clergyman with a large
+family, and him she trained for some years, and then sent him on to
+school admirably prepared. She chose "her children"--as she loved to call
+us--in very definite fashion. Each must be gently born and gently
+trained, but in such position that the education freely given should be a
+relief and aid to a slender parental purse. It was her delight to seek
+out and aid those on whom poverty presses most heavily, when the need for
+education for the children weighs on the proud and the poor. "Auntie" we
+all called her, for she thought "Miss Marryat" seemed too cold and stiff.
+She taught us everything herself except music, and for this she had a
+master, practising us in composition, in recitation, in reading aloud
+English and French, and later, German, devoting herself to training us in
+the soundest, most thorough fashion. No words of mine can tell how much I
+owe her, not only of knowledge, bit of that love of knowledge which has
+remained with me ever since as a constant spur to study.
+
+Her method of teaching may be of interest to some, who desire to train
+children with the least pain, and the most enjoyment to the little ones
+themselves. First, we never used a spelling-book--that torment of the
+small child--nor an English grammar. But we wrote letters, telling of the
+things we had seen in our walks, or told again some story we had read;
+these childish compositions she would read over with us, correcting all
+faults of spelling, of grammar, of style, of cadence; a clumsy sentence
+would be read aloud, that we might hear how unmusical it sounded; an
+error in observation or expression pointed out. Then, as the letters
+recorded what we had seen the day before, the faculty of observation was
+drawn out and trained. "Oh, dear! I have nothing to say!" would come from
+a small child, hanging over a slate. "Did you not go out for a walk
+yesterday?" Auntie would question. "Yes", would be sighed out; "but
+there's nothing to say about it". "Nothing to say! And you walked in the
+lanes for an hour and saw nothing, little No-eyes? You must use your eyes
+better to-day." Then there was a very favorite "lesson", which proved an
+excellent way of teaching spelling. We used to write out lists of all the
+words we could think of, which sounded the same but were differently
+spelt. Thus: "key, quay," "knight, night," and so on; and great was the
+glory of the child who found the largest number. Our French lessons--as
+the German later--included reading from the very first. On the day on
+which we began German we began reading Schiller's "Wilhelm Tell," and the
+verbs given to us to copy out were those that had occurred in the
+reading. We learned much by heart, but always things that in themselves
+were worthy to be learned. We were never given the dry questions and
+answers which lazy teachers so much affect. We were taught history by one
+reading aloud while the others worked--the boys as well as the girls
+learning the use of the needle. "It's like a girl to sew," said a little
+fellow, indignantly, one day. "It is like a baby to have to run after a
+girl if you want a button sewn on," quoth Auntie. Geography was learned
+by painting skeleton maps--an exercise much delighted in by small
+fingers--and by putting together puzzle maps, in which countries in the
+map of a continent, or counties in the map of a country, were always cut
+out in their proper shapes. I liked big empires in those days; there was
+a solid satisfaction in putting down Russia, and seeing what a large part
+of the map was filled up thereby.
+
+The only grammar that we ever learned as grammar was the Latin, and that
+not until composition had made us familiar with the use of the rules
+therein given. Auntie had a great horror of children learning by rote
+things they did not understand, and then fancying they knew them. "What
+do you mean by that expression, Annie?" she would ask me. After feeble
+attempts to explain, I would answer: "Indeed, Auntie, I know in my own
+head, but I can't explain". "Then, indeed, Annie, you do not know in your
+own head, or you could explain, so that I might know in my own head." And
+so a healthy habit was fostered of clearness of thought and of
+expression. The Latin grammar was used because it was more perfect than
+the modern grammars, and served as a solid foundation for modern
+languages.
+
+Miss Marryat took a beautiful place, Fern Hill, near Charmouth, in
+Dorsetshire, on the borders of Devon, and there she lived for some five
+years, a centre of beneficence in the district. She started a
+Sunday-school, and a Bible-class after a while for the lads too old for
+the school, who clamored for admission to her class in it. She visited
+the poor, taking help wherever she went, and sending food from her own
+table to the sick. It was characteristic of her that she would never give
+"scraps" to the poor, but would have a basin brought in at dinner, and
+would cut the best slice to tempt the invalid appetite. Money she rarely,
+if ever, gave, but she would find a day's work, or busy herself to seek
+permanent employment for anyone asking aid. Stern in rectitude herself,
+and iron to the fawning or the dishonest, her influence, whether she was
+feared or loved, was always for good. Of the strictest sect of the
+Evangelicals, she was an Evangelical. On the Sunday no books were allowed
+save the Bible or the "Sunday at Home"; but she would try to make the day
+bright by various little devices; by a walk with her in the garden; by
+the singing of hymns, always attractive to children; by telling us
+wonderful missionary stories of Moffat and Livingstone, whose adventures
+with savages and wild beasts were as exciting as any tale of Mayne
+Reid's. We used to learn passages from the Bible and hymns for
+repetition; a favorite amusement was a "Bible puzzle", such as a
+description of some Bible scene, which was to be recognised by the
+description. Then we taught in the Sunday-school, for Auntie would tell
+us that it was useless for us to learn if we did not try to help those
+who had no one to teach them. The Sunday-school lessons had to be
+carefully prepared on the Saturday, for we were always taught that work
+given to the poor should be work that cost something to the giver. This
+principle, regarded by her as an illustration of the text, "Shall I give
+unto the Lord my God that which has cost me nothing?" ran through all her
+precept and her practice. When in some public distress we children went
+to her crying, and asking whether we could not help the little children
+who were starving, her prompt reply was: "What will you give up for
+them?" And then she said that if we liked to give up the use of sugar, we
+might thus each save 6d. a week to give away. I doubt if a healthier
+lesson can be given to children than that of personal self-denial for the
+good of others.
+
+Daily, when our lessons were over, we had plenty of fun; long walks and
+rides, rides on a lively pony, who found small children most amusing, and
+on which the coachman taught us to stick firmly, whatever his
+eccentricities of the moment; delightful all-day picnics in the lovely
+country round Charmouth, Auntie our merriest playfellow. Never was a
+healthier home, physically and mentally, made for young things than in
+that quiet village. And then the delight of the holidays! The pride of my
+mother at the good report of her darling's progress, and the renewal of
+acquaintance with every nook and corner in the dear old house and garden.
+
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The strong and intense Evangelicalism of Miss Marryat colored the whole
+of my early religious thought. I was naturally enthusiastic and fanciful,
+and was apt to throw myself strongly into the current of the emotional
+life around me, and hence I easily reflected the stern and narrow creed
+which ruled over my daily life. It was to me a matter of the most intense
+regret that Christians did not go about as in the "Pilgrim's Progress",
+armed to do battle with Apollyon and Giant Despair, or fight through a
+whole long day against thronging foes, until night brought victory and
+release. It would have been so easy, I used to think, to do tangible
+battle of that sort, so much easier than to learn lessons, and keep one's
+temper, and mend one's stockings. Quick to learn, my lessons of Bible and
+Prayer Book gave me no trouble, and I repeated page after page with
+little labor and much credit. I remember being praised for my love of the
+Bible, because I had learned by heart all the epistle of St. James's,
+while, as a matter of fact, the desire to distinguish myself was a far
+more impelling motive than any love of "the holy book;" the dignified
+cadences pleased my ear, and were swiftly caught and reproduced, and I
+was proud of the easy fashion in which I mastered and recited page after
+page. Another source of "carnal pride"--little suspected, I fear, by my
+dear instructress--was found in the often-recurring prayer meetings. In
+these the children were called on to take a part, and we were bidden pray
+aloud; this proceeding was naturally a sore trial, and being endued with
+an inordinate amount of "false pride"--the fear of appearing ridiculous,
+_i.e._, with self conceit--it was a great trouble when the summons came:
+"Annie dear, will you speak to our Lord". But the plunge once made, and
+the trembling voice steadied, enthusiasm and facility for cadenced speech
+always swallowed up the nervous "fear of breaking down", and I fear me
+that the prevailing thought was more often that God must think I prayed
+very nicely, than that I was a "miserable sinner", asking "pardon for the
+sake of Jesus Christ". The sense of sin, the contrition for man's fallen
+state, which are required by Evangelicalism, can never be truly felt by
+any child; but whenever a sensitive, dreamy, and enthusiastic child comes
+under strong Evangelistic influence, it is sure to manifest "signs of
+saving grace". As far as I can judge now, the total effect of the
+Calvinistic training was to make me somewhat morbid, but this tendency
+was counteracted by the healthier tone of my mother's thought, and the
+natural gay buoyancy of my nature rose swiftly whenever the pressure of
+the teaching that I was "a child of sin", and could "not naturally please
+God", was removed.
+
+In the spring of 1861, Miss Marryat announced her intention of going
+abroad, and asked my dear mother to let me accompany her. A little nephew
+whom she had adopted was suffering from cataract, and she desired to
+place him under the care of the famous Düsseldorf oculist. Amy Marryat
+had been recalled home soon after the death of her mother, who had died
+in giving birth to the child adopted by Miss Marryat, and named at her
+desire after her favorite brother Frederick (Captain Marryat). Her place
+had been taken by a girl a few months older than myself, Emma Mann, one
+of the daughters of a clergyman who had married a Miss Stanley, closely
+related, indeed if I remember rightly, a sister of the Miss Mary Stanley
+who did such noble work in nursing in the Crimea.
+
+For some months we had been diligently studying German, for Miss Marryat
+thought it wise that we should know a language fairly well before we
+visited the country of which it was the native tongue. We had been
+trained also to talk French daily during dinner, so we were not quite
+"helpless foreigners" when we steamed away from St. Catherine's Docks,
+and found ourselves on the following day in Antwerp, amid what seemed to
+us a very Babel of conflicting tongues. Alas for our carefully spoken
+French, articulated laboriously. We were lost in that swirl of disputing
+luggage-porters, and could not understand a word! But Miss Marryat was
+quite equal to the occasion, being by no means new to travelling, and her
+French stood the test triumphantly, and steered us safely to a hotel. On
+the morrow we started again through Aix-la-Chapelle to Bonn, the town
+which lies on the borders of the exquisite scenery of which the
+Siebengebirge and Rolandseck serve as the magic portal. Our experiences
+in Bonn were not wholly satisfactory. Dear Auntie was a maiden lady,
+looking on all young men as wolves to be kept far from her growing lambs.
+Bonn was a university town, and there was a mania just then prevailing
+there for all things English. Emma was a plump, rosy, fair-haired typical
+English maiden, full of frolic and harmless fun; I a very slight, pale,
+black-haired girl, alternating between wild fun and extreme pensiveness.
+In the boarding-house to which we went at first--the "Château du Rhin", a
+beautiful place overhanging the broad blue Rhine--there chanced to be
+staying the two sons of the late Duke of Hamilton, the Marquis of Douglas
+and Lord Charles, with their tutor. They had the whole drawing-room
+floor: we a sitting-room on the ground floor and bedrooms above. The lads
+discovered that Miss Marryat did not like her "children" to be on
+speaking terms with any of the "male sect". Here was a fine source of
+amusement. They would make their horses caracole on the gravel in front
+of our window; they would be just starting for their ride as we went for
+walk or drive, and would salute us with doffed hat and low bow; they
+would waylay us on our way downstairs with demure "Good morning"; they
+would go to church and post themselves so that they could survey our pew,
+and Lord Charles--who possessed the power of moving at will the whole
+skin of the scalp--would wriggle his hair up and down till we were
+choking with laughter, to our own imminent risk. After a month of this,
+Auntie was literally driven out of the pretty _Château_, and took refuge
+in a girls' school, much to our disgust, but still she was not allowed to
+be at rest. Mischievous students would pursue us wherever we went;
+sentimental Germans, with gashed cheeks, would whisper complimentary
+phrases as we passed; mere boyish nonsense of most harmless kind, but the
+rather stern English lady thought it "not proper", and after three months
+of Bonn we were sent home for the holidays, somewhat in disgrace. But we
+had some lovely excursions during those months; such clambering up
+mountains, such rows on the swift-flowing Rhine, such wanderings in
+exquisite valleys. I have a long picture-gallery to retire into when I
+want to think of something fair, in recalling the moon as it silvered the
+Rhine at the foot of Drachenfels, or the soft mist-veiled island where
+dwelt the lady who is consecrated for ever by Roland's love.
+
+A couple of months later we rejoined Miss Marryat in Paris, where we
+spent seven happy workful months. On Wednesdays and Saturdays we were
+free from lessons, and many a long afternoon was passed in the galleries
+of the Louvre, till we became familiar with the masterpieces of art
+gathered there from all lands. I doubt if there was a beautiful church in
+Paris that we did not visit during those weekly wanderings; that of St.
+Germain de l'Auxerrois was my favorite--the church whose bell gave the
+signal for the massacre of St. Bartholomew--for it contained such
+marvellous stained glass, deepest purest glory of color that I had ever
+seen. The solemn beauty of Notre Dame, the somewhat gaudy magnificence of
+La Sainte Chapelle, the stateliness of La Madeleine, the impressive gloom
+of St. Roch, were all familiar to us. Other delights were found in
+mingling with the bright crowds which passed along the Champs Elysées and
+sauntered in the Bois de Boulogne, in strolling in the garden of the
+Tuileries, in climbing to the top of every monument whence view of Paris
+could be gained. The Empire was then in its heyday of glitter, and we
+much enjoyed seeing the brilliant escort of the imperial carriage, with
+plumes and gold and silver dancing and glistening in the sunlight, while
+in the carriage sat the exquisitely lovely empress with the little boy
+beside her, touching his cap shyly, but with something of her own grace,
+in answer to a greeting--the boy who was thought to be born to an
+imperial crown, but whose brief career was to find an ending from the
+spears of savages in a quarrel in which he had no concern.
+
+In the spring of 1862 it chanced that the Bishop of Ohio visited Paris,
+and Mr. Forbes, then English chaplain at the Church of the Rue
+d'Aguesseau, arranged to have a confirmation. As said above, I was under
+deep "religious impressions", and, in fact, with the exception of that
+little aberration in Germany, I was decidedly a pious girl. I looked on
+theatres (never having been to one) as traps set by Satan for the
+destruction of foolish souls; I was quite determined never to go to a
+ball, and was prepared to "suffer for conscience sake"--little prig that
+I was--if I was desired to go to one. I was consequently quite prepared
+to take upon myself the vows made in my name at my baptism, and to
+renounce the world, the flesh, and the devil, with a heartiness and
+sincerity only equalled by my profound ignorance of the things I so
+readily resigned. That confirmation was to me a very solemn matter; the
+careful preparation, the prolonged prayers, the wondering awe as to the
+"sevenfold gifts of the Spirit", which were to be given by "the laying on
+of hands", all tended to excitement. I could scarcely control myself as I
+knelt at the altar rails, and felt as though the gentle touch of the aged
+Bishop, which fluttered for an instant on my bowed head, were the very
+touch of the wing of that "Holy Spirit, heavenly Dove", whose presence
+had been so earnestly invoked. Is there anything easier, I wonder, than
+to make a young and sensitive girl "intensely religious".
+
+My mother came over for the confirmation and for the "first communion" on
+Easter Sunday, and we had a delightful fortnight together, returning home
+after we had wandered hand-in-hand over all my favorite haunts. The
+summer of 1862 was spent with Miss Marryat at Sidmouth, and, wise woman
+that she was, she now carefully directed our studies with a view to our
+coming enfranchisement from the "school-room." More and more were we
+trained to work alone; our leading-strings were slackened, so that we
+never felt them save when we blundered; and I remember that when I once
+complained, in loving fashion, that she was "teaching me so little", she
+told me that I was getting old enough to be trusted to work by myself,
+and that I must not expect to "have Auntie for a crutch all through
+life". And I venture to say that this gentle withdrawal of constant
+supervision and teaching was one of the wisest and kindest things that
+this noble-hearted woman ever did for us. It is the usual custom to keep
+girls in the school-room until they "come out"; then, suddenly, they are
+left to their own devices, and, bewildered by their unaccustomed freedom,
+they waste time that might be priceless for their intellectual growth.
+Lately, the opening of universities to women has removed this danger for
+the more ambitious; but at the time of which I am writing no one dreamed
+of the changes soon to be made in the direction of the "higher education
+of women".
+
+During the winter of 1862-1863 Miss Marryat was in London, and for a few
+months I remained there with her, attending the admirable French classes
+of M. Roche. In the spring I returned home to Harrow, going up each week
+to the classes; and when these were over, Auntie told me that she thought
+all she could usefully do was done, and that it was time that I should
+try my wings alone. So well, however, had she succeeded in her aims, that
+my emancipation from the school-room was but the starting-point of more
+eager study, though now the study turned into the lines of thought
+towards which my personal tendencies most attracted me. German I
+continued to read with a master, and music, under the marvellously able
+teaching of Mr. John Farmer, musical director of Harrow School, took up
+much of my time. My dear mother had a passion for music, and Beethoven
+and Bach were her favorite composers. There was scarcely a sonata of
+Beethoven's that I did not learn, scarcely a fugue of Bach's that I did
+not master. Mendelssohn's "Lieder" gave a lighter recreation, and many a
+happy evening did we spend, my mother and I, over the stately strains of
+the blind Titan, and the sweet melodies of the German wordless orator.
+Musical "At Homes", too, were favorite amusements at Harrow, and at these
+my facile fingers made me a welcome guest.
+
+A very pleasant place was Harrow to a light-hearted serious-brained girl.
+The picked men of the Schools of Oxford and Cambridge came there as
+junior masters, so that one's partners at ball and croquet and archery
+could talk as well as flirt. Never girl had, I venture to say, a brighter
+girlhood than mine. Every morning and much of the afternoon spent in
+eager earnest study: evenings in merry party or quiet home-life, one as
+delightful as the other. Archery and croquet had in me a most devoted
+disciple, and the "pomps and vanities" of the ballroom found the happiest
+of votaries. My darling mother certainly "spoiled" me, so far as were
+concerned all the small roughnesses of life. She never allowed a trouble
+of any kind to touch me, and cared only that all worries should fall on
+her, all joys on me. I know now what I never dreamed then, that her life
+was one of serious anxiety. The heavy burden of my brother's school and
+college-life pressed on her constantly, and her need of money was often
+serious. A lawyer whom she trusted absolutely cheated her systematically,
+using for his own purposes the remittances she made for payment of
+liabilities, thus keeping upon her a constant drain. Yet for me all that
+was wanted was ever there. Was it a ball to which we were going? I need
+never think of what I would wear till the time for dressing arrived, and
+there laid out ready for me was all I wanted, every detail complete from
+top to toe. No hand but hers must dress my hair, which, loosed, fell in
+dense curly masses nearly to my knees; no hand but hers must fasten dress
+and deck with flowers, and if I sometimes would coaxingly ask if I might
+not help by sewing in laces, or by doing some trifle in aid, she would
+kiss me and bid me run to my books or my play, telling me that her only
+pleasure in life was caring for her "treasure". Alas! how lightly we take
+the self-denying labor that makes life so easy, ere yet we have known
+what life means when the protecting mother-wing is withdrawn. So guarded
+and shielded had been my childhood and youth from every touch of pain and
+anxiety that love could bear for me, that I never dreamed that life might
+be a heavy burden, save as I saw it in the poor I was sent to help; all
+the joy of those happy years I took, not ungratefully I hope, but
+certainly with as glad unconsciousness of anything rare in it as I took
+the sunlight. Passionate love, indeed, I gave to my darling, but I never
+knew all I owed her till I passed out of her tender guardianship, till I
+left my mother's home. Is such training wise? I am not sure. It makes the
+ordinary roughnesses of life come with so stunning a shock, when one goes
+out into the world, that one is apt to question whether some earlier
+initiation into life's sterner mysteries would not be wiser for the
+young. Yet it is a fair thing to have that joyous youth to look back
+upon, and at least it is a treasury of memory that no thief can steal in
+the struggles of later life.
+
+During those happy years my brain was given plenty of exercise. I used to
+keep a list of the books I read, so that I might not neglect my work; and
+finding a "Library of the Fathers" on the shelves, I selected that for
+one _piéce de résistance_. Soon those strange mystic writers won over me
+a great fascination, and I threw myself ardently into a study of the
+question: "Where is now the Catholic Church?". I read Pusey, and Liddon,
+and Keble, with many another of that school, and many of the seventeenth
+century English divines. I began to fast--to the intense disapproval of
+my mother, who cared for my health far more than for all the Fathers the
+Church could boast of--to use the sign of the cross, to go to weekly
+communion. Indeed, the contrast I found between my early Evangelical
+training and the doctrines of the Primitive Christian Church would have
+driven me over to Rome, had it not been for the proofs afforded by Pusey
+and his co-workers, that the English Church might be Catholic although
+non-Roman. But for them I should most certainly have joined the Papal
+Communion; for if the Church of the early centuries be compared with Rome
+and with Geneva, there is no doubt that Rome shows marks of primitive
+Christianity of which Geneva is entirely devoid. I became content when I
+found that the practices and doctrines of the Anglican Church could be
+knitted on to those of the martyrs and confessors of the early Church,
+for it had not yet struck me that the early Church might itself be
+challenged. To me, at that time, the authority of Jesus was supreme and
+unassailable; his apostles were his infallible messengers; Clement of
+Rome, Polycarp, and Barnabas, these were the very pupils of the apostles
+themselves. I never dreamed of forgeries, of pious frauds, of writings
+falsely ascribed to venerated names. Nor do I now regret that so it was;
+for, without belief, the study of the early Fathers would be an
+intolerable weariness; and that old reading of mine has served me well in
+many of my later controversies with Christians, who knew the literature
+of their Church less well than I.
+
+To this ecclesiastical reading was added some study of stray scientific
+works, but the number of these that came in my way was very limited. The
+atmosphere surrounding me was literary rather than scientific. I remember
+reading a translation of Plato that gave me great delight, and being
+rather annoyed by the insatiable questionings of Socrates. Lord Derby's
+translation of the Iliad also charmed me with its stateliness and melody,
+and Dante was another favorite study. Wordsworth and Cowper I much
+disliked, and into the same category went all the 17th and 18th century
+"poets," though I read them conscientiously through. Southey fascinated
+me with his wealth of Oriental fancies, while Spencer was a favorite
+book, put beside Milton and Dante. My novel reading was extremely
+limited; indeed the "three volume novel" was a forbidden fruit. My mother
+regarded these ordinary love-stories as unhealthy reading for a young
+girl, and gave me Scott and Kingsley, but not Miss Braddon or Mrs. Henry
+Wood. Nor would she take me to the theatre, though we went to really good
+concerts. She had a horror of sentimentality in girls, and loved to see
+them bright and gay, and above all things absolutely ignorant of all evil
+things and of premature love-dreams. Happy, healthy and workful were
+those too brief years.
+
+
+
+IV.
+
+
+My grandfather's house, No. 8, Albert Square, Clapham Road, was a second
+home from my earliest childhood.
+
+That house, with its little strip of garden at the back, will always
+remain dear and sacred to me. I can see now the two almond trees, so rich
+in blossom every spring, so barren in fruit every autumn; the large
+spreading tufts of true Irish shamrock, brought from Ireland, and
+lovingly planted in the new grey London house, amid the smoke; the little
+nooks at the far end, wherein I would sit cosily out of sight reading a
+favorite book. Inside it was but a commonplace London house, only one
+room, perhaps, differing from any one that might have been found in any
+other house in the square. That was my grandfather's "work-room", where
+he had a lathe fitted up, for he had a passion and a genius for inventive
+work in machinery. He took out patents for all sorts of ingenious
+contrivances, but always lost money. His favorite invention was of a
+"railway chair", for joining the ends of rails together, and in the
+ultimate success of this he believed to his death. It was (and is) used
+on several lines, and was found to answer splendidly, but the old man
+never derived any profit from his invention. The fact was he had no
+money, and those who had took it up and utilised it, and kept all the
+profit for themselves. There were several cases in which his patents
+dropped, and then others took up his inventions, and made a commercial
+success thereof.
+
+A strange man altogether was that grandfather of mine, whom I can only
+remember as a grand-looking old man, with snow-white hair and piercing
+hawk's eyes. The merriest of wild Irishmen was he in his youth, and I
+have often wished that his biography had been written, if only as a
+picture of Dublin society at the time. He had an exquisite voice, and one
+night he and some of his wild comrades went out singing through the
+streets as beggars. Pennies, sixpences, shillings, and even half-crowns
+came showering down in recompense of street music of such unusual
+excellence; then the young scamps, ashamed of their gains, poured them
+all into the hat of a cripple they met, who must have thought that all
+the blessed saints were out that night in the Irish capital. On another
+occasion he went to the wake of an old woman who had been bent nearly
+double by rheumatism, and had been duly "laid out", and tied down firmly,
+so as to keep the body straight in the recumbent position. He hid under
+the bed, and when the whisky was flowing freely, and the orgie was at its
+height, he cut the ropes with a sharp knife, and the old woman suddenly
+sat up in bed, frightening the revellers out of their wits, and, luckily
+for my grandfather, out of the room. Many such tales would he tell, with
+quaint Irish humor, in his later days. He died, from a third stroke of
+paralysis, in 1862.
+
+The Morrises were a very "clannish" family, and my grandfather's house
+was the London centre. All the family gathered there on each
+Christmastide, and on Christmas day was always held high festival. For
+long my brother and I were the only grandchildren within reach, and were
+naturally made much of. The two sons were out in India, married, with
+young families. The youngest daughter was much away from home, and a
+second was living in Constantinople, but three others lived with their
+father and mother. Bessie, the eldest of the whole family, was a woman of
+rigid honor and conscientiousness, but poverty and the struggle to keep
+out of debt had soured her, and "Aunt Bessie" was an object of dread, not
+of love. One story of her early life will best tell her character. She
+was engaged to a young clergyman, and one day when Bessie was at church
+he preached a sermon taken without acknowledgment from some old divine.
+The girl's keen sense of honor was shocked at the deception, and she
+broke off her engagement, but remained unmarried for the rest of her
+life. "Careful and troubled about many things" was poor Aunt Bessie, and
+I remember being rather shocked one day at hearing her express her
+sympathy with Martha, when her sister left her to serve alone, and at her
+saying: "I doubt very much whether Jesus would have liked it if Martha
+had been lying about on the floor as well as Mary, and there had been no
+supper. But there! it's always those who do the work who are scolded,
+because they have not time to be as sweet and nice as those who do
+nothing." Nor could she ever approve of the treatment of the laborers in
+the parable, when those who "had borne the burden and heat of the day"
+received but the same wage as those that had worked but one hour. "It was
+not just", she would say doggedly. A sad life was hers, for she repelled
+all sympathy, and yet later I had reason to believe that she half broke
+her heart because none loved her well. She was ever gloomy,
+unsympathising, carping, but she worked herself to death for those whose
+love she chillily repulsed. She worked till, denying herself every
+comfort, she literally dropped. One morning, when she got out of bed, she
+fell, and crawling into bed again, quietly said she could do no more; lay
+there for some months, suffering horribly with unvarying patience; and
+died, rejoicing that at last she would have "rest".
+
+Two other "Aunties" were my playfellows, and I their pet. Minnie, a
+brilliant pianiste, earned a precarious livelihood by teaching music. The
+long fasts, the facing of all weathers, the weary rides in omnibuses with
+soaked feet, broke down at last a splendid constitution, and after some
+three years of torture, commencing with a sharp attack of English
+cholera, she died the year before my marriage. But during my girlhood she
+was the gayest and merriest of my friends, her natural buoyancy
+re-asserting itself whenever she could escape from her musical
+tread-mill. Great was my delight when she joined my mother and myself for
+our spring or summer trips, and when at my favorite St. Leonards--at the
+far unfashionable end, right away from the gay watering-place folk--we
+settled down for four or five happy weeks of sea and country, and when
+Minnie and I scampered over the country on horseback, merry as children
+set free from school. My other favorite auntie was of a quieter type, a
+soft pretty loving little woman. "Co" we called her, for she was "such a
+cosy little thing", her father used to say. She was my mother's favorite
+sister, her "child", she would name her, because "Co" was so much her
+junior, and when she was a young girl the little child had been her
+charge. "Always take care of little Co", was one of my mother's dying
+charges to me, and fortunately "little Co" has--though the only one of my
+relatives who has done so--clung to me through change of faith, and
+through social ostracism. Her love for me, and her full belief that,
+however she differed from me, I meant right, have never varied, have
+never been shaken. She is intensely religious--as will be seen in the
+later story, wherein her life was much woven with mine--but however much
+"darling Annie's" views or actions might shock her, it is "darling Annie"
+through it all; "You are so good" she said to me the last time I saw her,
+looking up at me with all her heart in her eyes; "anyone so good as you
+must come to our dear Lord at last!" As though any, save a brute, could
+be aught but good to "little Co".
+
+On the Christmas following my eighteenth birthday, a little Mission
+Church in which Minnie was much interested, was opened near Albert
+Square. My High Church enthusiasm was in full bloom, and the services in
+this little Mission Church were "high", whereas those in all the
+neighboring churches were "low". A Mr. Hoare, an intensely earnest man,
+was working there in most devoted fashion, and was glad to welcome any
+aid; we decorated his church, worked ornaments for it, and thought we
+were serving God when we were really amusing ourselves in a small place
+where our help was over-estimated, and where the clergy, very likely
+unconsciously, flattered us for our devotion. Among those who helped to
+carry on the services there, was a young undermaster of Stockwell Grammar
+School, the rev. Frank Besant, a Cambridge man, who had passed as 28th
+wrangler in his year, and who had just taken orders. At Easter we were
+again at Albert Square, and devoted much time to the little church,
+decking it on Easter Eve with soft yellow tufts of primrose blossom, and
+taking much delight in the unbounded admiration bestowed on the dainty
+spring blossoms by the poor who crowded in. I made a lovely white cross
+for the super-altar with camelias and azaleas and white geraniums, but
+after all it was not really as spring-like, as suitable for a
+"Resurrection", as the simple sweet wild flowers, still dewy from their
+nests in field and glade and lane.
+
+That Easter was memorable to me for another cause. It saw waked and
+smothered my first doubt. That some people did doubt the historical
+accuracy of the Bible I knew, for one or two of the Harrow masters were
+friends of Colenso, the heretic Bishop of Natal, but fresh from my
+Patristic studies, I looked on heretics with blind horror, possibly the
+stronger from its very vagueness, and its ignorance of what it feared. My
+mother objected to my reading controversial books which dealt with the
+points at issue between Christianity and Freethought, and I did not care
+for her favorite Stanley, who might have widened my views, regarding him
+(on the word of Pusey) as "unsound in the faith once delivered to the
+saints". I had read Pusey's book on "Daniel the prophet", and, knowing
+nothing of the criticisms he attacked, I felt triumphant at his
+convincing demonstrations of their error, and felt sure that none but the
+wilfully blind could fail to see how weak were the arguments of the
+heretic writers. That stately preface of his was one of my favorite
+pieces of reading, and his dignified defence against all novelties of
+"that which must be old because it is eternal, and must be unchangeable
+because it is true", at once charmed and satisfied me. The delightful
+vagueness of Stanley, which just suited my mother's broad views, because
+it _was_ vague and beautiful, was denounced by Pusey--not unwarrantably--
+as that "variegated use of words which destroys all definiteness of
+meaning". When she would bid me not be uncharitable to those with whom I
+differed in matters of religion, I would answer in his words, that
+"charity to error is treason to truth", and that to speak out the truth
+unwaveringly as it was revealed, was alone "loyalty to God and charity to
+the souls of men".
+
+Judge, then, of my terror at my own results when I found myself betrayed
+into writing down some contradictions from the Bible. With that poetic
+dreaming which is one of the charms of Catholicism, whether English or
+Roman, I threw myself back into the time of the first century as the
+"Holy Week" of 1866 approached. In order to facilitate the realisation of
+those last sacred days of God incarnate on earth, working out man's
+salvation, I resolved to write a brief history of that week, compiled
+from the four gospels, meaning then to try and realise each day the
+occurrences that had happened on the corresponding date in A.D. 33, and
+so to follow those "blessed feet" step by step, till they were
+
+  "... nailed for our advantage to the bitter cross."
+
+With the fearlessness which springs from ignorance I sat down to my
+task. My method was as follows:
+
+     MATTHEW.     |      MARK.      |      LUKE.      |     JOHN.
+                  |                 |                 |
+   PALM SUNDAY.   |   PALM SUNDAY.  |   PALM SUNDAY.  |   PALM SUNDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Rode into         | Rode into       | Rode into       | Rode into
+Jerusalem.        | Jerusalem.      | Jerusalem.      | Jerusalem. Spoke
+Purified the      | Returned to     | Purified the    | in the Temple.
+Temple. Returned  | Bethany.        | Temple. Note:   |
+to Bethany.       |                 | "Taught daily   |
+                  |                 | in the Temple". |
+                  |                 |                 |
+     MONDAY.      |     MONDAY.     |     MONDAY.     |     MONDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Cursed the fig    | Cursed the fig  | Like Matthew.   |
+tree. Taught in   | tree. Purified  |                 |
+the Temple, and   | the Temple.     |                 |
+spake many        | Went out of     |                 |
+parables. No      | city.           |                 |
+breaks shown,     |                 |                 |
+but the fig tree  |                 |                 |
+(xxi., 19) did    |                 |                 |
+not wither till   |                 |                 |
+Tuesday (see      |                 |                 |
+Mark).            |                 |                 |
+                  |                 |                 |
+     TUESDAY.     |     TUESDAY.    |     TUESDAY.    |    TUESDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+All chaps, xxi.,  | Saw fig tree    | Discourses. No  |
+20, xxii.-xxv.,   | withered up.    | date shown.     |
+spoken on Tues-   | Then discourses.|                 |
+day, for xxvi., 2 |                 |                 |
+gives Passover as |                 |                 |
+"after two days". |                 |                 |
+                  |                 |                 |
+    WEDNESDAY.    |    WEDNESDAY.   |    WEDNESDAY.   |    WEDNESDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Blank.            |                 |                 |
+(Possibly remained in Bethany; the alabaster box of ointment.)
+                  |                 |                 |
+    THURSDAY.     |    THURSDAY.    |    THURSDAY.    |    THURSDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Preparation of    | Same as Matt.   | Same as Matt.   | Discourses with
+Passover. Eating  |                 |                 | disciples, but
+of Passover,      |                 |                 | _before_ the
+and institution   |                 |                 | Passover. Washes
+of the Holy Eu-   |                 |                 | the disciples'
+charist. Gesthse- |                 |                 | feet. Nothing said
+mane. Betrayal    |                 |                 | of Holy Eucharist,
+by Judas. Led     |                 |                 | nor of agony in
+captive to Caia-  |                 |                 | Gethsemane.
+phas. Denied by   |                 |                 | Malchus' ear.
+St. Peter.        |                 |                 | Led captive to
+                  |                 |                 | Annas first. Then
+                  |                 |                 | to Caiaphas. Denied
+                  |                 |                 | by St. Peter.
+                  |                 |                 |
+     FRIDAY.      |     FRIDAY.     |     FRIDAY.     |      FRIDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Led to Pilate.    | As Matthew,     | Led to Pilate.  | Taken to Pilate.
+Judas hangs       | but hour of     | Sent to Herod.  | Jews would not
+himself. Tried.   | crucifixion     | Sent back to    | enter, that they
+Condemned to      | given, 9 a.m.   | Pilate. Rest as | might eat the
+death. Scourged   |                 | in Matthew; but | Passover.
+and mocked.       |                 | _one_  male-    | Scourged by Pi-
+Led to cruci-     |                 | factor repents. | late before con-
+fixion. Darkness  |                 |                 | demnation, and
+from 12 to 3.     |                 |                 | mocked. Shown by
+Died at 3.        |                 |                 | Pilate to Jews
+                  |                 |                 | at 12.
+
+At this point I broke down. I had been getting more and more uneasy and
+distressed as I went on, but when I found that the Jews would not go into
+the judgment hall lest they should be defiled, because they desired to
+eat the passover, having previously seen that Jesus had actually eaten
+the passover with his disciples the evening before; when after writing
+down that he was crucified at 9 a.m., and that there was darkness over
+all the land from 12 to 3 p.m., I found that three hours after he was
+crucified he was standing in the judgment hall, and that at the very hour
+at which the miraculous darkness covered the earth; when I saw that I was
+writing a discord instead of a harmony, I threw down my pen and shut up
+my Bible. The shock of doubt was, however only momentary. I quickly
+recognised it as a temptation of the devil, and I shrank back
+horror-stricken and penitent for the momentary lapse of faith. I saw that
+these apparent contradictions were really a test of faith, and that there
+would be no credit in believing a thing in which there were no
+difficulties. _Credo quia impossibile_; I repeated Tertullian's words at
+first doggedly, at last triumphantly. I fasted as penance for my
+involuntary sin of unbelief. I remembered that the Bible must not be
+carelessly read, and that St. Peter had warned us that there were in it
+"some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and
+unstable wrest unto their own destruction". I shuddered at the
+"destruction" to the edge of which my unlucky "harmony" had drawn me, and
+resolved that I would never again venture on a task for which I was so
+evidently unfitted. Thus the first doubt was caused, and though swiftly
+trampled down, it had none the less raised its head. It was stifled, not
+answered, for all my religious training had led me to regard a doubt as a
+sin to be repented of, not examined. And it left in my mind the dangerous
+feeling that there were some things into which it was safer not to
+enquire too closely; things which must be accepted on faith, and not too
+narrowly scrutinised. The awful threat: "He that believeth not shall be
+damned," sounded in my ears, and, like the angel with the flaming sword,
+barred the path of all too curious enquiry.
+
+
+
+V.
+
+
+The spring ripened into summer in uneventful fashion, so far as I was
+concerned, the smooth current of my life flowing on untroubled, hard
+reading and merry play filling the happy days. I learned later that two
+or three offers of marriage reached my mother for me; but she answered to
+each: "She is too young. I will not have her troubled." Of love-dreams I
+had absolutely none, partly, I expect, from the absence of fiery novels
+from my reading, partly because my whole dream-tendencies were absorbed
+by religion, and all my fancies ran towards a "religious life". I longed
+to spend my time in worshipping Jesus, and was, as far as my inner life
+was concerned, absorbed in that passionate love of "the Savior" which,
+among emotional Catholics, really is the human passion of love
+transferred to an ideal--for women to Jesus, for men to the Virgin Mary.
+In order to show that I am not here exaggerating, I subjoin a few of the
+prayers in which I found daily delight, and I do this in order to show
+how an emotional girl may be attracted by these so-called devotional
+exercises.
+
+"O crucified Love, raise in me fresh ardors of love and consolation, that
+it may henceforth be the greatest torment I can endure ever to offend
+Thee; that it may be my greatest delight to please Thee."
+
+"Let the remembrance of Thy death, O Lord Jesu, make me to desire and
+pant after Thee, that I may delight in Thy gracious presence."
+
+"O most sweet Jesu Christ, I, unworthy sinner, yet redeemed by Thy
+precious blood.... Thine I am and will be, in life and in death."
+
+"O Jesu, beloved, fairer than the sons of men, draw me after Thee with
+the cords of Thy love."
+
+"Blessed are Thou, O most merciful God, who didst vouchsafe to espouse me
+to the heavenly Bridegroom in the waters of baptism, and hast imparted
+Thy body and blood as a new gift of espousal and the meet consummation of
+Thy love."
+
+"O most sweet Lord Jesu, transfix the affections of my inmost soul with
+that most joyous and most healthful wound of Thy love, with true, serene,
+most holy, apostolic charity; that my soul may ever languish and melt
+with entire love and longing for Thee. Let it desire Thee and faint for
+Thy courts; long to be dissolved and be with Thee."
+
+"Oh, that I could embrace Thee with that most burning love of angels."
+
+"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth; for Thy love is better
+than wine. Draw me, we will run after Thee. The king hath brought me into
+his chambers.... Let my soul, O Lord, feel the sweetness of Thy presence.
+May it taste how sweet Thou art.... May the sweet and burning power of
+Thy love, I beseech Thee, absorb my soul."
+
+To my dear mother this type of religious thought was revolting. But then,
+she was a woman who had been a wife and a devoted one, while I was a
+child awaking into womanhood, with emotions and passions dawning and not
+understood, emotions and passions which craved satisfaction, and found it
+in this "Ideal Man". Thousands of girls in England are to-day in exactly
+this mental phase, and it is a phase full of danger. In America it is
+avoided by a frank, open, unsentimental companionship between boys and
+girls, between young men and young women. In England, where this wisely
+free comradeship is regarded as "improper", the perfectly harmless and
+natural sexual feeling is either dwarfed or forced, and so we have
+"prudishness" and "fastness". The sweeter and more loving natures become
+prudes; the more shallow as well as the more high-spirited and merry
+natures become flirts. Often, as in my own case, the merry side finds its
+satisfaction in amusements that demand active physical exercise, while
+the loving side finds its joy in religious expansion, in which the
+idealised figure of Jesus becomes the object of passion, and the life of
+the nun becomes the ideal life, as being dedicated to that one devotion.
+To the girl, of course, this devotion is all that is most holy, most
+noble, most pure. But analysing it now, after it has long been a thing of
+the past, I cannot but regard it as a mere natural outlet for the dawning
+feelings of womanhood, certain to be the more intense and earnest as the
+nature is deep and loving.
+
+One very practical and mischievous result of this religious feeling is
+the idealisation of all clergymen, as being the special messengers of,
+and the special means of communication with, the "Most High". The priest
+is surrounded by the halo of Deity. The power that holds the keys of
+heaven and of hell becomes the object of reverence and of awe. Far more
+lofty than any title bestowed by earthly monarch is that patent of
+nobility straight from the hand of the "King of kings", which seems to
+give to the mortal something of the authority of the immortal, to crown
+the head of the priest with the diadem which belongs to those who are
+"kings and priests unto God". Swayed by these feelings, the position of a
+clergyman's wife seems second only to that of the nun, and has therefore
+a wonderful attractiveness, an attractiveness in which the particular
+clergyman affected plays a very subordinate part; it is the "sacred
+office", the nearness to "holy things", the consecration involved, which
+seem to make the wife a nearer worshipper than those who do not partake
+in the immediate "services of the altar"--it is all these that shed a
+glamor over the clerical life which attracts most those who are most apt
+to self-devotion, most swayed by imagination. I know how incomprehensible
+this will seem to many of my readers, but it is a fact none the less, and
+the saddest pity of it is that the glamor is most over those whose brains
+are quick and responsive to all forms of noble emotions, all suggestions
+of personal self-sacrifice; and if such later rise to the higher emotions
+whose shadows have attracted them, and to that higher self-sacrifice
+whose whispers reached them in their early youth, then the false
+prophet's veil is raised, and the life is either wrecked, or through
+storm-wind and surge of battling billows, with loss of mast and sail, is
+steered by firm hand into the port of a higher creed.
+
+My mother, Minnie, and I passed the summer holidays at St. Leonards, and
+many a merry gallop had we over our favorite fields, I on a favorite
+black mare, Gipsy Queen, as full of life and spirits as I was myself, who
+danced gaily over ditch and hedge, thinking little of my weight, for I
+rode barely eight stone. At the end of those, our last free summer
+holidays, we returned as usual to Harrow, and shortly afterwards I went
+to Switzerland with some dear friends of ours named Roberts.
+
+Everyone about Manchester will remember Mr. Roberts, the solicitor, the
+"poor man's lawyer". Close friend of Ernest Jones, and hand-in-hand with
+him through all his struggles, Mr. Roberts was always ready to fight a
+poor man's battle for him without fee, and to champion any worker
+unfairly dealt with. He worked hard in the agitation which saved women
+from working in the mines, and I have heard him tell how he had seen them
+toiling, naked to the waist, with short petticoats barely reaching to
+their knees, rough, foul-tongued, brutalised out of all womanly decency
+and grace; and how he had seen little children working there too, babies
+of three and four set to watch a door, and falling asleep at their work
+to be roused by curse and kick to the unfair toil. The old man's eye
+would begin to flash and his voice to rise as he told of these horrors,
+and then his face would soften as he added that, after it was all over
+and the slavery was put an end to, as he went through a coal-district the
+women standing at their doors would lift up their children to see "Lawyer
+Roberts" go by, and would bid "God bless him" for what he had done. This
+dear old man was my first tutor in Radicalism, and I was an apt pupil. I
+had taken no interest in politics, but had unconsciously reflected more
+or less the decorous Whiggism which had always surrounded me. I regarded
+"the poor" as folk to be educated, looked after, charitably dealt with,
+and always treated with most perfect courtesy, the courtesy being due
+from me, as a lady, to all equally, whether they were rich or poor. But
+to Mr. Roberts "the poor" were the working-bees, the wealth producers,
+with a right to self-rule, not to looking after, with a right to justice,
+not to charity, and he preached his doctrines to me, in season and out of
+season. "What do you think of John Bright?" he demanded of me one day. "I
+have never thought of him at all," I answered lightly. "Isn't he a rather
+rough sort of man, who goes about making rows?" "There, I thought so," he
+broke out fiercely. "That's just what they say. I believe some of you
+fine ladies would not go to heaven if you had to rub shoulders with John
+Bright, the noblest man God ever gave to the cause of the poor." And then
+he launched out into stories of John Bright's work and John Bright's
+eloquence, and showed me the changes that work and eloquence had made in
+the daily lives of the people.
+
+With Mr. Roberts, his wife, and two daughters, I went to Switzerland as
+the autumn drew near. It would be of little interest to tell how we went
+to Chamounix and worshipped Mont Blanc, how we crossed the Mer de Glace
+and the Mauvais Pas, how we visited the Monastery of St. Bernard (I
+losing my heart to the beautiful dogs), how we went by steamer down the
+lake of Thun, how we gazed at the Jungfrau and saw the exquisite
+Staubbach, how we visited Lausanne, and Berne, and Geneva, how we stood
+beside the wounded Lion, and shuddered in the dungeon of Chillon, how we
+walked distances we never should have attempted in England, how we
+younger ones lost ourselves on a Sunday afternoon, after ascending a
+mountain, and returned footsore and weary, to meet a party going out to
+seek us with lanterns and ropes. All these things have been so often
+described that I will not add one more description to the list, nor dwell
+on that strange feeling of awe, of wonder, of delight, that everyone must
+have felt, when the glory of the peaks clad in "everlasting snow" is for
+the first time seen against the azure sky on the horizon, and you whisper
+to yourself, half breathless: "The Alps! The Alps!"
+
+During that autumn I became engaged to the Rev. Frank Besant, giving up
+with a sigh of regret my dreams of the "religious life", and substituting
+for them the work which would have to be done as the wife of a priest,
+laboring ever in the church and among the poor. A queer view, some people
+may think, for a girl to take of married life, but it was the natural
+result of my living the life of the Early Church, of my enthusiasm for
+religious work. To me a priest was a half-angelic creature, whose whole
+life was consecrated to heaven; all that was deepest and truest in my
+nature chafed against my useless days, longed for work, yearned to devote
+itself, as I had read women saints had done, to the service of the church
+and the poor, to the battling against sin and misery. "You will have more
+opportunity for doing good as a clergyman's wife than as anything else,"
+was one of the pleas urged on my reluctance. My ignorance of all that
+marriage meant was as profound as though I had been a child of four, and
+my knowledge of the world was absolutely _nil_. My darling mother meant
+all that was happiest for me when she shielded me from all knowledge of
+sorrow and of sin, when she guarded me from the smallest idea of the
+marriage relation, keeping me ignorant as a baby till I left her home a
+wife. But looking back now on all, I deliberately say that no more fatal
+blunder can be made than to train a girl to womanhood in ignorance of all
+life's duties and burdens, and then to let her face them for the first
+time away from all the old associations, the old helps, the old refuge on
+the mother's breast. That "perfect innocence" maybe very beautiful, but
+it is a perilous possession, and Eve should have the knowledge of good
+and of evil ere she wanders forth from the paradise of a mother's love.
+When a word is never spoken to a girl that is not a caress; when
+necessary rebuke comes in tone of tenderest reproach; when "You have
+grieved me" has been the heaviest penalty for a youthful fault; when no
+anxiety has ever been allowed to trouble the young heart--then, when the
+hothouse flower is transplanted, and rough winds blow on it, it droops
+and fades.
+
+The spring and summer of 1867 passed over with little of incident, save
+one. We quitted Harrow, and the wrench was great. My brother had left
+school, and had gone to Cambridge; the master, who had lived with us for
+so long, had married and had gone to a house of his own; my mother
+thought that as she was growing older, the burden of management was
+becoming too heavy, and she desired to seek an easier life. She had saved
+money enough to pay for my brother's college career, and she determined
+to invest the rest of her savings in a house in St. Leonard's, where she
+might live for part of the year, letting the house during the season. She
+accordingly took and furnished a house in Warrior Square, and we moved
+thither, saying farewell to the dear Old Vicarage, and the friends loved
+for so many happy years.
+
+At the end of the summer, my mother and I went down to Manchester, to pay
+a long visit to the Roberts's; a very pleasant time we passed there, a
+large part of mine being spent on horseback, either leaping over a bar in
+the meadow, or scouring the country far and wide. A grave break, however,
+came in our mirth. The Fenian troubles were then at their height. On
+September 11th, Colonel Kelly and Captain Deasy, two Fenian leaders, were
+arrested in Manchester, and the Irish population was at once thrown into
+a terrible ferment. On the 18th, the police van containing them was
+returning from the Court to the County Gaol at Salford, and as it reached
+the railway arch which crosses the Hyde Road at Bellevue, a man sprang
+out, shot one of the horses, and thus stopped the van. In a moment it was
+surrounded by a small band, armed with revolvers and with crowbars, and
+the crowbars were wrenching at the locked door. A reinforcement of police
+was approaching, and there was no time to be lost. The rescuers called to
+Brett, a sergeant of police who was in charge inside the van, to pass the
+keys out, and, on his refusal, there was a cry: "Blow off the lock!". The
+muzzle of a revolver was placed against the lock, and the revolver was
+discharged. Unhappily, poor Brett had stooped down to try and see through
+the keyhole what was going on outside, and the bullet, fired to blow open
+the lock, entered his head, and he fell dying on the floor. The rescuers
+rushed in, and one Allen, a lad of seventeen, opened the doors of the
+compartments in which were Kelly and Deasy, and hurriedly pulled them
+out. Two or three of the band, gathering round them, carried them off
+across the fields to a place of safety, while the rest gallantly threw
+themselves between their rescued friends and the strong body of police
+which charged down after the fugitives. With their revolvers pointed,
+they kept back the police, until they saw that the two Fenian leaders
+were beyond all chance of capture, and then they scattered, flying in all
+directions. Young William Allen, whose one thought had been for his
+chiefs, was the earliest victim. As he fled, he raised his hand and fired
+his revolver straight in the air; he had been ready to use it in defence
+of others, he would not shed blood for himself. Disarmed by his own act,
+he was set upon by the police, brutally struck down, kicked and stoned by
+his pursuers, and then, bruised and bleeding, he was dragged off to gaol,
+to meet there some of his comrades in much the same plight. The whole
+city of Manchester went mad over the story, and the fiercest
+race-passions at once blazed out into flame; it became dangerous for an
+Irish workman to be alone in a group of Englishmen, for an Englishman to
+venture into the Irish quarter of the city. The friends of the arrested
+Irishmen went straight to "Lawyer Roberts", and begged his aid, and he
+threw himself heart and soul into their defence. He soon found that the
+man who had fired the fatal shot was safe out of the way, having left
+Manchester at once, and he trusted that it would at least be possible to
+save his clients from the death-penalty. A Special Commission was issued,
+with Mr. Justice Blackburn at its head. "They are going to send that
+hanging judge," groaned Mr. Roberts when he heard it, and we felt there
+was small chance of escape for the prisoners. He struggled hard to have
+the _venue_ of the trial changed, protesting that in the state of
+excitement in which Manchester was, there was no chance of obtaining an
+impartial jury. But the cry for blood and for revenge was ringing through
+the air, and of fairness and impartiality there was no chance. On the
+25th of October, the prisoners were actually brought up before the
+magistrates _in irons_, and Mr. Ernest Jones, the counsel briefed to
+defend them, after a vain protest against the monstrous outrage, threw
+down his brief and quitted the Court. The trial was hurried on, and on
+October 29th, Allen, Larkin, Gould (O'Brien), Maguire, and Condon, stood
+before their judges.
+
+We drove up to the court; the streets were barricaded; soldiers were
+under arms; every approach was crowded by surging throngs. At last, our
+carriage was stopped in the midst of excited Irishmen, and fists were
+shaken in the window, curses levelled at the "d----d English who were
+going to see the boys murdered". For a moment things were uncomfortable,
+for we were five women of helpless type. Then I bethought myself that we
+were unknown, and, like the saucy girl I was, I leant forward and touched
+the nearest fist. "Friends, these are Mr. Roberts' wife and daughters."
+"Roberts! Lawyer Roberts! God bless Roberts. Let his carriage through."
+And all the scowling faces became smile-wreathen, and cheers sounded out
+for curses, and a road was cleared for us to the steps.
+
+Very sad was that trial. On the first day Mr. Roberts got himself into
+trouble which threatened to be serious. He had briefed Mr. Digby Seymour,
+Q.C. as leader, with Mr. Ernest Jones, for the defence, and he did not
+think that the jurymen proposed were challenged as they should be. We
+knew that many whose names were called were men who had proclaimed their
+hostility to the Irish, and despite the wrath of Judge Blackburn, Mr.
+Roberts would jump up and challenge them. In vain he threatened to commit
+the sturdy solicitor. "These men's lives are at stake, my lord," he said
+indignantly. At last the officers of the court were sharply told: "Remove
+that man," but as they advanced reluctantly--for all poor men loved and
+honored him--Judge Blackburn changed his mind and let him remain. At last
+the jury was empanelled, containing one man who had loudly proclaimed
+that he "didn't care what the evidence was, he would hang every d----d
+Irishman of the lot". In fact, the verdict was a foregone conclusion. The
+most disreputable evidence was admitted; the suppositions of women of
+lowest character were accepted as conclusive; the _alibi_ for Maguire--
+clearly proved, and afterwards accepted by the Crown, a free pardon being
+issued on the strength of it--was rejected with dogged obstinacy; how
+premeditated was the result may be guessed from the fact that I saw--with
+what shuddering horror may be estimated--some official in the room behind
+the judges' chairs, quietly preparing the black caps before the verdict
+had been given. The verdict of "Guilty" was repeated in each of the five
+cases, and the prisoners were asked by the presiding judge if they had
+anything to say why sentence should not be passed on them. Allen spoke
+briefly and bravely; he had not fired a shot, but he had helped to free
+Kelly and Deasy; he was willing to die for Ireland. The others followed
+in turn, Maguire protesting his innocence, and Condon declaring also that
+he was not present (he also was reprieved). Then the sentence of death
+was passed, and "God save Ireland"! rang out in five clear voices in
+answer from the dock.
+
+We had a sad scene that night; the young girl to whom poor Allen was
+engaged was heartbroken at her lover's doom, and bitter were her cries to
+"save my William!". No protests, no pleas, however, availed to mitigate
+the doom, and on November 23rd, Allen, Larkin, and O'Brien were hanged
+outside Salford gaol. Had they striven for freedom in Italy, England
+would have honored them as heroes; here she buried them as common
+murderers in quicklime in the prison yard.
+
+I have found, with a keen sense of pleasure, that Mr. Bradlaugh and
+myself were in 1867 to some extent co-workers, although we knew not of
+each other's existence, and although he was doing much, and I only giving
+such poor sympathy as a young girl might, who was only just awakening to
+the duty of political work. I read in the _National Reformer_ for
+November 24, 1867, that in the preceding week, he was pleading on
+Clerkenwell Green for these men's lives:
+
+"According to the evidence at the trial, Deasy and Kelly were illegally
+arrested. They had been arrested for vagrancy of which no evidence was
+given, and apparently remanded for felony without a shadow of
+justification. He had yet to learn that in England the same state of
+things existed as in Ireland; he had yet to learn that an illegal arrest
+was sufficient ground to detain any of the citizens of any country in the
+prisons of this one. If he were illegally held, he was justified in using
+enough force to procure his release. Wearing a policeman's coat gave no
+authority when the officer exceeded his jurisdiction. He had argued this
+before Lord Chief Justice Erle in the Court of Common Pleas, and that
+learned judge did not venture to contradict the argument which he
+submitted. There was another reason why they should spare these men,
+although he hardly expected the Government to listen, because the
+Government sent down one of the judges who was predetermined to convict
+the prisoners; it was that the offence was purely a political one. The
+death of Brett was a sad mischance, but no one who read the evidence
+could regard the killing of Brett as an intentional murder. Legally, it
+was murder; morally, it was homicide in the rescue of a political
+captive. If it were a question of the rescue of the political captives of
+Varignano, or of political captives in Bourbon, in Naples, or in Poland,
+or in Paris, even earls might be found so to argue. Wherein is our sister
+Ireland less than these? In executing these men, they would throw down
+the gauntlet for terrible reprisals. It was a grave and solemn question.
+It had been said by a previous speaker that they were prepared to go to
+any lengths to save these Irishmen. They were not. He wished they were.
+If they were, if the men of England, from one end to the other, were
+prepared to say, "These men shall not be executed," they would not be. He
+was afraid they had not pluck enough for that. Their moral courage was
+not equal to their physical strength. Therefore he would not say that
+they were prepared to do so. They must plead _ad misericordiam_. He
+appealed to the press, which represented the power of England; to that
+press which in its panic-stricken moments had done much harm, and which
+ought now to save these four doomed men. If the press demanded it, no
+Government would be mad enough to resist. The memory of the blood which
+was shed in 1798 rose up like a bloody ghost against them to-day. He only
+feared that what they said upon the subject might do the poor men more
+harm than good. If it were not so, he would coin words that should speak
+in words of fire. As it was, he could only say to the Government: You are
+strong to-day; you hold these men's lives in your hands; but if you want
+to reconcile their country to you, if you want to win back Ireland, if
+you want to make her children love you--then do not embitter their hearts
+still more by taking the lives of these men. Temper your strength with
+mercy; do not use the sword of justice like one of vengeance; for the day
+may come when it shall be broken in your hands, and you yourselves
+brained by the hilt of the weapon you have so wickedly wielded."
+
+In October he had printed a plea for Ireland, strong and earnest,
+asking:--
+
+"Where is our boasted English freedom when you cross to Kingstown pier?
+Where has it been for near two years? The Habeas Corpus Act suspended,
+the gaols crowded, the steamers searched, spies listening at shebeen
+shops for sedition, and the end of it a Fenian panic in England. Oh,
+before it be too late, before more blood shall stain the pages of our
+present history, before we exasperate and arouse bitter animosities, let
+us try and do justice to our sister land. Abolish once and for all the
+land laws, which in their iniquitous operation have ruined her peasantry.
+Sweep away the leech-like Church which has sucked her vitality, and has
+given her back no word even of comfort in her degradation. Turn her
+barracks into flax mills, encourage a spirit of independence in her
+citizens, restore to her people the protection of the law, so that they
+may speak without fear of arrest, and beg them to plainly and boldly
+state their grievances. Let a commission of the best and wisest amongst
+Irishmen, with some of our highest English judges added, sit solemnly to
+hear all complaints, and then let us honestly legislate, not for the
+punishment of the discontented, but to remove the causes of the
+discontent. It is not the Fenians who have depopulated Ireland's strength
+and increased her misery. It is not the Fenians who have evicted tenants
+by the score. It is not the Fenians who have checked cultivation. Those
+who have caused the wrong at least should frame the remedy."
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+
+In December, 1867, I was married at St. Leonards, and after a brief trip
+to Paris and Southsea, we went to Cheltenham where Mr. Besant had
+obtained a mastership. We lived at first in lodgings, and as I was very
+much alone, my love for reading had full swing. Quietly to myself I
+fretted intensely for my mother, and for the daily sympathy and
+comradeship that had made my life so fair. In a strange town, among
+strangers, with a number of ladies visiting me who talked only of
+servants and babies--troubles of which I knew nothing--who were
+profoundly uninterested in everything that had formed my previous life,
+in theology, in politics, in questions of social reform, and who looked
+on me as "strange" because I cared more for the great struggles outside
+than for the discussions of a housemaid's young man, or the amount of
+"butter when dripping would have done perfectly well, my dear," used by
+the cook--under such circumstances it will not seem marvellous that I
+felt somewhat forlorn. I found refuge, however, in books, and
+energetically carried on my favorite studies; next, I thought I would try
+writing, and took up two very different lines of composition; I wrote
+some short stories of a very flimsy type, and also a work of a much more
+ambitious character, "The Lives of the Black Letter Saints". For the sake
+of the unecclesiastically trained it may be well to mention that in the
+Calendar of the Church of England there are a number of Saints' Days;
+some of these are printed in red, and are Red Letter Days, for which
+services are appointed by the Church; others are printed in black, and
+are Black Letter Days, and have no special services fixed for them. It
+seemed to me that it would be interesting to take each of these days and
+write a sketch of the life of the saint belonging to it, and accordingly
+I set to work to do so, and gathered various books of history and legend
+wherefrom to collect my "facts". I don't in the least know what became of
+that valuable book; I tried Macmillans with it, and it was sent on by
+them to someone who was preparing a series of church books for the young;
+later I had a letter from a Church brotherhood offering to publish it, if
+I would give it as an "act of piety" to their order; its ultimate fate is
+to me unknown.
+
+The short stories were more fortunate. I sent the first to the _Family
+Herald_, and some weeks afterwards received a letter from which dropped a
+cheque as I opened it. Dear me! I have earned a good deal of money since
+by my pen, but never any that gave me the intense delight of that first
+thirty shillings. It was the first money I had ever earned, and the pride
+of the earning was added to the pride of authorship. In my childish
+delight and practical religion, I went down on my knees and thanked God
+for sending it to me, and I saw myself earning heaps of golden guineas,
+and becoming quite a support of the household. Besides, it was "my very
+own", I thought, and a delightful sense of independence came over me. I
+had not then realised the beauty of the English law, and the dignified
+position in which it placed the married woman; I did not understand that
+all a married woman earned by law belonged to her owner, and that she
+could have nothing that belonged to her of right.[1] I did not want the
+money: I was only so glad to have something of my own to give, and it was
+rather a shock to learn that it was not really mine at all.
+
+[Footnote 1: This odious law has now been altered, and a married woman is
+a person, not a chattel.]
+
+From time to time after that, I earned a few pounds for stories in the
+same journal; and the _Family Herald,_ let me say, has one peculiarity
+which should render it beloved by poor authors; it pays its contributor
+when it accepts the paper, whether it prints it immediately or not; thus
+my first story was not printed for some weeks after I received the
+cheque, and it was the same with all others accepted by the same journal.
+Encouraged by these small successes, I began writing a novel! It took a
+long time to do, but was at last finished, and sent off to the _Family
+Herald._ The poor thing came back, but with a kind note, telling me that
+it was too political for their pages, but that if I would write one of
+"purely domestic interest", and up to the same level, it would probably
+be accepted. But by that time I was in the full struggle of theological
+doubt, and that novel of "purely domestic interest" never got itself
+written.
+
+I contributed further to the literature of my country a theological
+pamphlet, of which I forget the exact title, but it dealt with the duty
+of fasting incumbent on all faithful Christians, and was very patristic
+in its tone.
+
+In January, 1869, my little son was born, and as I was very ill for some
+months before,--and was far too much interested in the tiny creature
+afterwards, to devote myself to pen and paper, my literary career was
+checked for a while. The baby gave a new interest and a new pleasure to
+life, and as we could not afford a nurse I had plenty to do in looking
+after his small majesty. My energy in reading became less feverish when
+it was done by the side of the baby's cradle, and the little one's
+presence almost healed the abiding pain of my mother's loss.
+
+I may pass very quickly over the next two years. In August, 1870, a
+little sister was born to my son, and the recovery was slow and tedious,
+for my general health had been failing for some time. I was, among other
+things, fretting much about my mother, who was in sore trouble. A lawyer
+in whom she had had the most perfect confidence betrayed it; for years
+she had paid all her large accounts through him, and she had placed her
+money in his hands. Suddenly he was discovered by his partners to have
+been behaving unfairly; the crash came, and my mother found that all the
+money given by her for discharge of liabilities had vanished, while the
+accounts were unpaid, and that she was involved in debt to a very serious
+extent. The shock was a very terrible one to her, for she was too old to
+begin the world afresh. She sold off all she had, and used the money, as
+far as it would go, to pay the debts she believed to have been long ago
+discharged, and she was thus left penniless after thinking she had made a
+little competence for her old age. Lord Hatherley's influence obtained
+for my brother the post of undersecretary to the Society of Arts, and
+also some work from the Patent Office, and my mother went to live with
+him. But the dependence was intolerable to her, though she never let
+anyone but myself know she suffered, and even I, until her last illness,
+never knew how great her suffering had been. The feeling of debt weighed
+on her, and broke her heart; all day long while my brother was at his
+office, through the bitter winter weather, she would sit without a fire,
+lighting it only a little before his home-coming, so that she might save
+all the expense she could; often and often she would go out about
+half-past twelve, saying that she was going out to lunch, and would walk
+about till late in the afternoon, so as to avoid the lunch-hour at home.
+I have always felt that the winter of 1870-1 killed her, though she lived
+on for three years longer; it made her an old broken woman, and crushed
+her brave spirit. How often I have thought since: "If only I had not left
+her! I should have seen she was suffering, and should have saved her."
+One little chance help I gave her, on a brief visit to town. She was
+looking very ill, and I coaxed out of her that her back was always
+aching, and that she never had a moment free from pain. Luckily I had
+that morning received a letter containing £2 2s. from my liberal _Family
+Herald_ editor, and as, glancing round the room, I saw there were only
+ordinary chairs, I disregarded all questions as to the legal ownership of
+the money, and marched out without saying a word, and bought for £1 15s.
+a nice cushiony chair, just like one she used to have at Harrow, and had
+it sent home to her. For a moment she was distressed, but I told her I
+had earned the money, and so she was satisfied. "Oh, the rest!" she said
+softly once or twice during the evening. I have that chair still, and
+mean to keep it as long as I live.
+
+In the spring of 1871 both my children were taken ill with hooping-cough.
+The boy, Digby, vigorous and merry, fought his way through it with no
+danger, and with comparatively little suffering; Mabel, the baby, had
+been delicate since her birth; there had been some little difficulty in
+getting her to breathe after she was born, and a slight tendency
+afterwards to lung-delicacy. She was very young for so trying a disease
+as hooping-cough, and after a while bronchitis set in, and was followed
+by congestion of the lungs. For weeks she lay in hourly peril of death;
+we arranged a screen round the fire like a tent, and kept it full of
+steam to ease the panting breath, and there I sat all through those weary
+weeks with her on my lap, day and night. The doctor said that recovery
+was impossible, and that in one of the fits of coughing she must die; the
+most distressing thing was that at last the giving of a drop or two of
+milk brought on the terrible convulsive choking, and it seemed cruel to
+torture the apparently dying child. At length, one morning when the
+doctor was there, he said that she could not last through the day; I had
+sent for him hurriedly, for her body had swollen up rapidly, and I did
+not know what had happened; the pleura of one lung had become perforated,
+and the air escaping into the cavity of the chest had caused the
+swelling; while he was there, one of the fits of coughing came on, and it
+seemed as though it would be the last; the doctor took a small bottle of
+chloroform out of his pocket, and putting a drop on a handkerchief, held
+it near the child's face, till the drug soothed the convulsive struggle.
+"It can't do any harm at this stage," he said, "and it checks the
+suffering." He went away, saying that he would return in the afternoon,
+but he feared he would never see the child alive again. One of the
+kindest friends I had in my married life was that same doctor, Mr.
+Lauriston Winterbotham; he was as good as he was clever, and, like so
+many of his noble, profession, he had the merits of discretion and of
+silence.
+
+That chance thought of his about the chloroform, verily, I believe, saved
+the child's life. Whenever one of the convulsive fits was coming on I
+used it, and so not only prevented to a great extent the violence of the
+attacks, but also the profound exhaustion that followed them, when of
+breath at the top of the throat showing that she still lived. At last,
+though more than once we had thought her dead, a change took place for
+the better, and the child began slowly to mend. For years, however, that
+struggle for life left its traces on her, not only in serious
+lung-delicacy but also in a form of epileptic fits. In her play she would
+suddenly stop, and become fixed for about a minute, and then go on again
+as though nothing had occurred. On her mother a more permanent trace was
+left.
+
+Not unnaturally, when the child was out of danger, I collapsed from sheer
+exhaustion, and I lay in bed for a week. But an important change of mind
+dated from those silent weeks with a dying child on my knees. There had
+grown up in my mind a feeling of angry resentment against the God who had
+been for weeks, as I thought, torturing my helpless baby. For some months
+a stubborn antagonism to the Providence who ordained the sufferings of
+life had been steadily increasing in me, and this sullen challenge, "Is
+God good?" found voice in my heart during those silent nights and days.
+My mother's sufferings, and much personal unhappiness, had been,
+intensifying the feeling, and as I watched my baby in its agony, and felt
+so helpless to relieve, more than once the indignant cry broke from my
+lips: "How canst thou torture a baby so? What has she done that she
+should suffer so? Why dost thou not kill her at once, and let her be at
+peace?" More than once I cried aloud: "O God, take the child, but do not
+torment her." All my personal belief in God, all my intense faith in his
+constant direction of affairs, all my habit of continual prayer and of
+realisation of his presence, were against me now. To me he was not an
+abstract idea, but a living reality, and all my mother-heart rose up in
+rebellion against this person in whom I believed, and whose individual
+finger I saw in my baby's agony.
+
+At this time I met a clergyman--I do not give his name lest I should
+injure him--whose wider and more liberal views of Christianity exercised
+much influence over me during the months of struggle that followed. Mr.
+Besant had brought him to me while the child was at her worst, and I
+suppose something of the "Why is it?" had, unconsciously to me, shown
+itself to his keen eyes. On the day after his visit, I received from him
+the following letter, in which unbeliever as well as believer may
+recognise the deep human sympathy and noble nature of the writer:--
+
+"April 21st, 1871.
+
+"MY DEAR MRS. BESANT,--I am painfully conscious that I gave you but
+little help in your trouble yesterday. It is needless to say that it was
+not from want of sympathy. Perhaps it would be nearer the truth to say
+that it was from excess of sympathy. I shrink intensely from meddling
+with the sorrow of anyone whom I feel to be of a sensitive nature.
+
+'The heart hath its own bitterness, and the stranger meddleth not
+therewith.'
+
+It is to me a positively fearful thought that I might await a reflection
+as
+
+  'And common was the common place,
+  And vacant chaff well meant for grain'.
+
+Conventional consolations, conventional verses out of the Bible and
+conventional prayers are, it seems to me, an intolerable aggravation of
+suffering. And so I acted on a principle that I mentioned to your
+husband, that 'there is no power so great as that of one human faith
+looking upon another human faith'. The promises of God, the love of
+Christ for little children, and all that has been given to us of hope and
+comfort, are as deeply planted in your heart as in mine, and I did not
+care to quote them. But when I talk face to face with one who is in sore
+need of them, my faith in them suddenly becomes so vast and
+heart-stirring that I think I must help most by talking naturally, and
+letting the faith find its own way from soul to soul. Indeed I could not
+find words for it if I tried. And yet I am compelled, as a messenger of
+the glad tidings of God, to solemnly assure you that all is well. We have
+no key to the 'Mystery of Pain', excepting the Cross of Christ. But there
+is another and a deeper solution in the hands of our Father. And it will
+be ours when we can understand it. There is--in the place to which we
+travel--some blessed explanation of your baby's pain and your grief,
+which will fill with light the darkest heart. Now you must believe
+without having seen; that is true faith. You must
+
+  'Reach a hand through time to catch
+  The far-oft interest of tears'.
+
+That you may have strength so to do is part of your share in the prayers
+of yours very faithfully, W. D----."
+
+During the summer months I saw much of this clergyman, Mr. D---- and his
+wife. We grew into closer intimacy in consequence of the dangerous
+illness of their only child, a beautiful boy a few months old. I had
+gained quite a name in Cheltenham as a nurse--my praises having been sung
+by the doctor--and Mrs. D---- felt she could trust me even with her
+darling boy while she snatched a night's sorely needed rest. My
+questionings were not shirked by Mr. D----, nor discouraged; he was
+neither horrified nor sanctimoniously rebuking, but met them all with a
+wide comprehension inexpressibly soothing to one writhing in the first
+agony of real doubt. The thought of hell was torturing me; somehow out of
+the baby's pain through those seemingly endless hours had grown a dim
+realisation of what hell might be, full of the sufferings of the beloved,
+and my whole brain and heart revolted from the unutterable cruelty of a
+creating and destroying God. Mr. D---- lent me Maurice and Robertson, and
+strove to lead me into their wider hope for man, their more trustful
+faith in God.
+
+Everyone who has doubted after believing knows how, after the first
+admitted and recognised doubt, others rush in like a flood, and how
+doctrine after doctrine starts up in new and lurid light, looking so
+different in aspect from the fair faint outlines in which it had shone
+forth in the soft mists of faith. The presence of evil and pain in the
+world made by a "good God", and the pain falling on the innocent, as on
+my seven months' old babe; the pain here reaching on into eternity
+unhealed; these, while I yet believed, drove me desperate, and I believed
+and hated, instead of like the devils, "believed and trembled". Next, I
+challenged the righteousness of the doctrine of the Atonement, and while
+I worshipped and clung to the suffering Christ, I hated the God who
+required the death sacrifice at his hands. And so for months the turmoil
+went on, the struggle being all the more terrible for the very
+desperation with which I strove to cling to some planks of the wrecked
+ship of faith on the tossing sea of doubt.
+
+After Mr. D---- left Cheltenham, as he did in the early autumn of 1871,
+he still aided me in my mental struggles. He had advised me to read
+McLeod Campbell's work on the Atonement, as one that would meet many of
+the difficulties that lay on the surface of the orthodox view, and in
+answer to a letter dealing with this really remarkable work, he wrote
+(Nov. 22, 1871):
+
+"(1) The two passages on pp. 25 and 108 you doubtless interpret quite
+rightly. In your third reference to pp. 117, 188, you forget one great
+principle--that God is impassive; cannot suffer. Christ, quâ _God_, did
+not suffer, but as Son of _Man_ and in his _humanity_. Still, it may be
+correctly stated that He felt to sin and sinners 'as God eternally
+feels'--_i.e., abhorrence of sin and love of the sinner_. But to infer
+from that that the Father in his Godhead feels the sufferings which
+Christ experienced solely in humanity, and because incarnate, is, I
+think, wrong.
+
+"(2) I felt strongly inclined to blow you up for the last part of your
+letter. You assume, I think quite gratuitously, that God condemns the
+major part of his children to objectless future suffering. You say that
+if he does not, he places a book in their hands which threatens what he
+does not mean to inflict. But how utterly this seems to me opposed to the
+gospel of Christ. All Christ's reference to eternal punishment may be
+resolved into reference to the Valley of Hinnom, by way of imagery; with
+the exception of the Dives parable, where is distinctly inferred a moral
+amendment beyond the grave. I speak of the unselfish desire of Dives to
+save his brothers. The more I see of the controversy the more baseless
+does the eternal punishment theory appear. It seems, then, to me, that
+instead of feeling aggrieved and shaken, you ought to feel encouraged and
+thankful that God is so much better than you were taught to believe him.
+You will have discovered by this time, in Maurice's 'What is Revelation'
+(I suppose you have the 'Sequel' too?) that God's truth _is_ our truth,
+and his love is our love, only more perfect and full. There is no
+position more utterly defeated in modern philosophy and theology, than
+Dean Mansel's attempt to show that God's justice, love, etc., are
+different in kind from ours. Mill and Maurice, from totally alien points
+of view, have shown up the preposterous nature of the notion.
+
+"(3) A good deal of what you have thought is, I fancy, based on a strange
+forgetfulness of your former experience. If you have known Christ (whom
+to know is eternal life)--and that you have known him I am certain--can
+you really say that a few intellectual difficulties, nay, a few moral
+difficulties if you will, are able at once to obliterate the testimony of
+that higher state of being?
+
+"Why, the keynote of all my theology is that Christ is loveable because,
+and _just_ because, he is the perfection of all that I know to be noble
+and generous, and loving, and tender, and true. If an angel from heaven
+brought me a gospel which contained doctrines that would not stand the
+test of such perfect loveableness--doctrines hard, or cruel, or unjust--I
+should reject him and his trumpery gospel with scorn, knowing that
+neither could be Christ's.
+
+"Know Christ and judge religions by him; don't judge him by religions,
+and then complain because you find yourself looking at him through a
+blood-colored glass....
+
+"I am saturating myself with Maurice, who is the antidote given by God to
+this age against all dreary doubtings and temptings of the devil to
+despair."
+
+On these lines weary strife went on for months, until at last brain and
+health gave way completely, and for weeks I lay prostrate and helpless,
+in terrible ceaseless head-pain, unable to find relief in sleep. The
+doctor tried every form of relief in vain; he covered my head with ice,
+he gave me opium--which only drove me mad--he used every means his skill
+could dictate to remove the pain, but all failed. At last he gave up the
+attempt to cure physically, and tried mental diversion; he brought me up
+books on anatomy and persuaded me to study them; I have still an analysis
+made by me at that time of Luther Holden's "Human Osteology ". He was
+wise enough to see that if I were to be brought back to reasonable life,
+it could only be by diverting thought from the currents in which it had
+been running to a dangerous extent.
+
+No one who has not felt it knows the fearful agony caused by doubt to the
+earnestly religious mind. There is in this life no other pain so
+horrible. The doubt seems to shipwreck everything, to destroy the one
+steady gleam of happiness "on the other side" that no earthly storm could
+obscure; to make all life gloomy with a horror of despair, a darkness
+that may verily be felt. Fools talk of Atheism as the outcome of foul
+life and vicious thought. They, in their shallow heartlessness, their
+brainless stupidity, cannot even dimly imagine the anguish of the mere
+penumbra of the eclipse of faith, much less the horror of that great
+darkness in which the orphaned soul cries out into the infinite
+emptiness: "Is it a Devil who has made this world? Are we the sentient
+toys of an Almighty Power, who sports with our agony, and whose peals of
+awful mocking laughter echo the wailings of our despair?"
+
+
+
+VII.
+
+
+On recovering from that prostrating physical pain, I came to a very
+definite decision. I resolved that, whatever might be the result, I would
+take each dogma of the Christian religion, and carefully and thoroughly
+examine it, so that I should never again say "I believe" where I had not
+proved. So, patiently and steadily, I set to work. Four problems chiefly
+at this time pressed for solution. I. The eternity of punishment after
+death. II. The meaning of "goodness" and "love" as applied to a God who
+had made this world with all its evil and its misery. III. The nature of
+the atonement of Christ, and the "justice" of God in accepting a
+vicarious suffering from Christ, and a vicarious righteousness from the
+sinner. IV. The meaning of "inspiration" as applied to the Bible, and the
+reconciliation of the perfection of the author with the blunders and the
+immoralities of the work.
+
+Maurice's writings now came in for very careful study, and I read also
+those of Robertson, of Brighton, and of Stopford Brooke, striving to find
+in these some solid ground whereon I might build up a new edifice of
+faith. That ground, however, I failed to find; there were poetry, beauty,
+enthusiasm, devotion; but there was no rock on which I might take my
+stand. Mansel's Bampton lectures on "The Limits of Religious Thought"
+deepened and intensified my doubts. His arguments seemed to make
+certainty impossible, and I could not suddenly turn round and believe to
+order, as he seemed to recommend, because proof was beyond reach. I could
+not, and would not, adore in God as the highest Righteousness that which,
+in man was condemned as harsh, as cruel, and as unjust.
+
+In the midst of this long mental struggle, a change occurred in the
+outward circumstances of my life. I wrote to Lord Hatherley and asked him
+if he could give Mr. Besant a Crown living, and he offered us first one
+in Northumberland, near Alnwick Castle, and then one in Lincolnshire, the
+village of Sibsey, with a vicarage house, and an income of £410 per
+annum. We decided to accept the latter.
+
+The village was scattered over a considerable amount of ground, but the
+work was not heavy. The church was one of the fine edifices for which the
+fen country is so famous, and the vicarage was a comfortable house, with
+large and very beautiful gardens and paddock, and with outlying fields.
+The people were farmers and laborers, with a sprinkling of shopkeepers;
+the only "society" was that of the neighboring clergy, Tory and prim to
+an appalling extent. There was here plenty of time for study, and of that
+time I vigorously availed myself. But no satisfactory light came to me,
+and the suggestions and arguments of my friend Mr. D---- failed to bring
+conviction to my mind. It appeared clear to me that the doctrine of
+Eternal Punishment was taught in the Bible, and the explanations given of
+the word "eternal" by men like Maurice and Stanley, did not recommend
+themselves to me as anything more than skilful special pleading--
+evasions, not clearings up, of a moral difficulty. For the problem was:
+Given a good God, how can he have created mankind, knowing beforehand
+that the vast majority of those whom he had created were to be tortured
+for evermore? Given a just God, how can he punish people for being
+sinful, when they have inherited a sinful nature without their own choice
+and of necessity? Given a righteous God, how can he allow sin to exist
+for ever, so that evil shall be as eternal as good, and Satan shall reign
+in hell, as long as Christ in Heaven? The answer of the Broad church
+school was, that the word "eternal" applied only to God and to life which
+was one with his; that "everlasting" only meant "lasting for an age", and
+that while the punishment of the wicked might endure for ages it was
+purifying, not destroying, and at last all should be saved, and "God
+should be all in all". These explanations had (for a time) satisfied Mr.
+D----, and I find him writing to me in answer to a letter of mine dated
+March 25th, 1872:
+
+"On the subject of Eternal punishment I have now not the remotest doubt.
+It is impossible to handle the subject exhaustively in a letter, with a
+sermon to finish before night. But you _must_ get hold of a few valuable
+books that would solve all kinds of difficulties for you. For most points
+read Stopford Brooke's Sermons--they are simply magnificent, and are
+called (1) Christian modern life, (2) Freedom in the Church of England,
+(3) and (least helpful) 'Sermons'. Then again there is an appendix to
+Llewellyn Davies' 'Manifestation of the Son of God', which treats of
+forgiveness in a future state as related to Christ and Bible. As to that
+special passage about the Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost (to which you
+refer), I will write you my notions on it in a future letter."
+
+A little later, according, he wrote:
+
+"With regard to your passage of difficulty about the unpardonable sin, I
+would say: (1) If that sin is not to be forgiven in the world to come, it
+is implied that all other sins _are forgiven in the world to come_. (2)
+You must remember that our Lord's parables and teachings mainly concerned
+contemporary events and people. I mean, for instance, that in his great
+prophecy of _judgment_ he simply was speaking of the destruction of the
+Jewish polity and nation. The _principles_ involved apply through all
+time, but He did not apply them except to the Jewish nation. He was
+speaking then, not of 'the end of the _world_, (as is wrongly
+translated), but of 'the end of the _age_'. (Every age is wound up with a
+judgment. French Revolutions, Reformations, etc., are all ends of ages
+and judgments.) [Greek aion] does not, cannot, will not, and never did
+mean _world_, but _age_. Well, then, he has been speaking of the Jewish
+people. And he says that all words spoken against the Son of Man will be
+forgiven. But there is a blasphemy against the Holy Spirit of God--there
+is a confusion of good with evil, of light with darkness--which goes
+deeper down than this. When a nation has lost the faculty of
+distinguishing love from hatred, the spirit of falsehood and hypocrisy
+from the spirit of truth, God from the Devil--_then its doom is
+pronounced_--the decree is gone forth against it. As the doom of Judaism,
+guilty of this sin, _was then_ pronounced. As the _decree against it had
+already gone forth. It is a national warning, not an individual one. It
+applies to two ages of this world, and not to two worlds_. All its
+teaching was primarily _national_, and is only thus to be rightly read--
+if not all, rather _most of it_. If you would be sure of this and
+understand it, see the parables, etc., explained in Maurice's 'Gospel of
+the Kingdom of Heaven' (a commentary on S. Luke). I can only indicate
+briefly in a letter the line to be taken on this question.
+
+"With regard to the [Greek: elui, elui, lama sabbachthani]. I don't
+believe that the Father even momentarily hid his face from Him. The life
+of sonship was unbroken. Remark: (1) It is a quotation from a Psalm. (2)
+It rises naturally to a suffering man's lips as expressive of agony,
+though not exactly framed for _his_ individual _agony_. (3) The spirit of
+the Psalm is one of trust, and hope, and full faith, notwithstanding the
+1st verse. (4) Our Lord's agony was very extreme, not merely of body but
+of _soul_. He spoke out of the desolation of one forsaken, not by his
+divine Father but by his human brothers. I have heard sick and dying men
+use the words of beloved Psalms in just such a manner.
+
+"The impassibility of God (1) With regard to the Incarnation, this
+presents no difficulty. Christ suffered simply and entirely as man, was
+too truly a man not to do so. (2) With regard to the Father, the key of
+it is here. 'God _is_ love.' He does not need suffering to train into
+sympathy, because his nature is sympathy. He can afford to dispense with
+hysterics, because he sees ahead that his plan is working to the perfect
+result. I am not quite sure whether I have hit upon your difficulty here,
+as I have destroyed your last letter but one. But the 'Gospel of the
+Kingdom' is a wonderful 'eye-opener'."
+
+Worst of all the puzzles, perhaps, was that of the existence of evil and
+of misery, and the racking doubt whether God _could_ be good, and yet
+look on the evil and the misery of the world unmoved and untouched. It
+seemed so impossible to believe that a Creator could be either cruel
+enough to be indifferent to the misery, or weak enough to be unable to
+stop it: the old dilemma faced me unceasingly. "If he can prevent it, and
+does not, he is not good; if he wishes to prevent it, and cannot, he is
+not almighty;" and out of this I could find no way of escape. Not yet had
+any doubt of the existence of God crossed my mind.
+
+In August, 1872 Mr. D---- tried to meet this difficulty. He wrote:
+
+"With regard to the impassibility of God, I think there is a stone wrong
+among your foundations which causes your difficulty. Another wrong stone
+is, I think, your view of the nature of the _sin_ and _error_ which is
+supposed to grieve God. I take it that sin is an absolutely necessary
+factor in the production of the perfect man. It was foreseen and allowed
+as a means to an end--as in fact an _education_.
+
+"The view of all the sin and misery in the world cannot grieve God, any
+more than it can grieve you to see Digby fail in his first attempt to
+build a card-castle or a rabbit-hutch. All is part of the training. God
+looks at the ideal man to which all tends. The popular idea of the fall
+is to me a very absurd one. There was never an ideal state in the past,
+but there will be in the future. The Genesis allegory simply typifies the
+first awakening of consciousness of good and evil--of two _wills_ in a
+mind hitherto only animal-psychic.
+
+"Well then--there being no occasion for grief in watching the progress of
+his own perfect and unfailing plans--your difficulty in God's
+impassibility vanishes. Christ, _quâ_ God, was, of course, impassible
+too. It seems to me that your position implies that God's 'designs' have
+partially (at least) failed, and hence the grief of perfect benevolence.
+Now I stoutly deny that any jot or tittle of God's plans can fail. I
+believe in the ordering of all for the best. I think that the pain
+consequent on broken law is only an inevitable necessity, over which we
+shall some day rejoice.
+
+"The indifference shown to God's love cannot pain Him. Why? because it is
+simply a sign of defectiveness in the creature which the ages will
+rectify. The being who is indifferent is not yet educated up to the point
+of love. But he _will be_. The pure and holy suffering of Christ was
+(pardon me) _wholly_ the consequence of his human nature. True it was
+because of the _perfection_ of his humanity. But his Divinity had nothing
+to do with it. It was his _human heart_ that broke. It was because he
+entered a world of broken laws and of incomplete education that he became
+involved in suffering with the rest of his race.....
+
+"No, Mrs. Besant; I never feel at all inclined to give up the search, or
+to suppose that the other side may be right. I claim no merit for it, but
+I have an invincible faith in the morality of God and the moral order of
+the world. I have no more doubt about the falsehood of the popular
+theology than I have about the unreality of six robbers who attacked me
+three nights ago in a horrid dream. I exult and rejoice in the grandeur
+and freedom of the little bit of truth it has been given me to see. I am
+told that 'Present-day Papers', by Bishop Ewing (edited) are a wonderful
+help, many of them, to puzzled people: I mean to get them. But I am sure
+you will find that the truth will (even so little as we may be able to
+find out) grow on you, make you free, light your path, and dispel, at no
+distant time, your _painful_ difficulties and doubts. I should say on no
+account give up your reading. I think with you that you could not do
+without it. It will be a wonderful source of help and peace to you. For
+there are struggles far more fearful than those of intellectual doubt. I
+am keenly alive to the gathered-up sadness of which your last two pages
+are an expression. I was sorrier than I can say to read them. They
+reminded me of a long and very dark time in my own life, when I thought
+the light never would come. Thank God it came, or I think I could not
+have held out much longer. But you have evidently strength to bear it
+now. The more dangerous time, I should fancy, has passed. You will have
+to mind that the fermentation leaves clear spiritual wine, and not (as
+too often) vinegar.
+
+"I wish I could write something more helpful to you in this great matter.
+But as I sit in front of my large bay window, and see the shadows on the
+grass and the sunlight on the leaves, and the soft glimmer of the
+rosebuds left by the storms, I cannot but believe that all will be very
+well. 'Trust in the Lord; wait patiently for him'--they are trite words.
+But he made the grass, the leaves, the rosebuds, and the sunshine, and he
+is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. And now the trite words have
+swelled into a mighty argument."
+
+Despite reading and argument, my scepticism grew only deeper and deeper.
+The study of W.R. Greg's "Creed of Christendom", of Matthew Arnold's
+"Literature and Dogma", helped to widen the mental horizon, while making
+a return to the old faith more and more impossible. The church services
+were a weekly torture, but feeling as I did that I was only a doubter, I
+spoke to none of my doubts. It was possible, I felt, that all my
+difficulties might be cleared up, and I had no right to shake the faith
+of others while in uncertainty myself. Others had doubted and had
+afterwards believed; for the doubter silence was a duty; the blinded had
+better keep their misery to themselves. I found some practical relief in
+parish work of a non-doctrinal kind, in nursing the sick, in trying to
+brighten a little the lot of the poor of the village. But here, again, I
+was out of sympathy with most of those around me. The movement among the
+agricultural laborers, due to the energy and devotion of Joseph Arch, was
+beginning to be talked of in the fens, and bitter were the comments of
+the farmers on it, while I sympathised with the other side. One typical
+case, which happened some months later, may stand as example of all.
+There was a young man, married, with two young children, who was wicked
+enough to go into a neighboring county to a "Union Meeting", and who was,
+further, wicked enough to talk about it when he returned. He became a
+marked man; no farmer would employ him. He tramped about vainly, looking
+for work, grew reckless, and took to drink. Visiting his cottage one day
+I found his wife ill, a dead child in the bed, a sick child in her arms;
+yes, she "was pining; there was no work to be had". "Why did she leave
+the dead child on the bed? because there was no other place to put it."
+The cottage consisted of one room and a "lean-to", and husband and wife,
+the child dead of fever and the younger child sickening with it, were all
+obliged to lie on the one bed. In another cottage I found four
+generations sleeping in one room, the great-grandfather and his wife, the
+grandmother (unmarried), the mother (unmarried), and the little child,
+while three men-lodgers completed the tale of eight human beings crowded
+into that narrow, ill-ventilated garret. Other cottages were hovels,
+through the broken roofs of which poured the rain, and wherein rheumatism
+and ague lived with the dwellers. How could I do aught but sympathise
+with any combination that aimed at the raising of these poor? But to
+sympathise with Joseph Arch was a crime in the eyes of the farmers, who
+knew that his agitation meant an increased drain on their pockets. For it
+never struck them that, if they paid less in rent to the absent landlord,
+they might pay more in wage to the laborers who helped to make their
+wealth, and they had only civil words for the burden that crushed them,
+and harsh ones for the builders-up of their ricks and the mowers of their
+harvests. They made common cause with their enemy, instead of with their
+friend, and instead of leaguing themselves with the laborers, as forming
+together the true agricultural interest, they leagued themselves with the
+landlords against the laborers, and so made fratricidal strife instead of
+easy victory over the common foe.
+
+In the summer and autumn of 1872, I was a good deal in London with my
+mother.--My health had much broken down, and after a severe attack of
+congestion of the lungs, my recovery was very slow. One Sunday in London,
+I wandered into St. George's Hall, in which Mr. Charles Voysey was
+preaching, and there I bought some of his sermons. To my delight I found
+that someone else had passed through the same difficulties as I about
+hell and the Bible and the atonement and the character of God, and had
+given up all these old dogmas, while still clinging to belief in God. I
+went to St. George's Hall again on the following Sunday, and in the
+little ante-room, after the service, I found myself in a stream of
+people, who were passing by Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, some evidently known to
+him, some strangers, many of the latter thanking him for his morning's
+work. As I passed in my turn I said: "I must thank you for very great
+help in what you have said this morning", for indeed the possibility
+opened of a God who was really "loving unto every man", and in whose care
+each was safe for ever, had come like a gleam of light across the stormy
+sea of doubt and distress on which I had been tossing for nearly twelve
+months. On the following Sunday, I saw them again, and was cordially
+invited down to their Dulwich home, where they gave welcome to all in
+doubt. I soon found that the Theism they professed was free from the
+defects which revolted me in Christianity. It left me God as a Supreme
+Goodness, while rejecting all the barbarous dogmas of the Christian
+faith. I now read Theodore Parker's "Discourse on Religion", Francis
+Newman's "Hebrew Monarchy", and other works, many of the essays of Miss
+Frances Power Cobbe and of other Theistic writers, and I no longer
+believed in the old dogmas and hated while I believed; I no longer
+doubted whether they were true or not; I shook them off, once for all,
+with all their pain, and horror, and darkness, and felt, with relief and
+joy inexpressible, that they were all but the dreams of ignorant and
+semi-savage minds, not the revelation of a God. The last remnant of
+Christianity followed swiftly these cast-off creeds, though, in parting
+with this, one last pang was felt. It was the doctrine of the Deity of
+Christ. The whole teaching of the Broad Church School tends, of course,
+to emphasise the humanity at the expense of the Deity of Christ, and when
+the eternal punishment and the substitutionary atonement had vanished,
+there seemed to be no sufficient reason left for so stupendous a miracle
+as the incarnation of the Deity. I saw that the idea of incarnation was
+common to all Eastern creeds, not peculiar to Christianity; the doctrine
+of the unity of God repelled the doctrine of the incarnation of a portion
+of the Godhead. But the doctrine was dear from association; there was
+something at once soothing and ennobling in the idea of a union between
+Man and God, between a perfect man and divine supremacy, between a human
+heart and an almighty strength. Jesus as God was interwoven with all art,
+with all beauty in religion; to break with the Deity of Jesus was to
+break with music, with painting, with literature; the Divine Child in his
+mother's arms, the Divine Man in his Passion and in his triumph, the
+human friend encircled with the majesty of the Godhead--did inexorable
+Truth demand that this ideal figure, with all its pathos, its beauty, its
+human love, should pass into the Pantheon of the dead Gods of the Past?
+
+
+
+VIII.
+
+
+The struggle was a sharp one ere I could decide that intellectual honesty
+demanded that the question of the Deity of Christ should be analysed as
+strictly as all else, and that the conclusions come to from an impartial
+study of facts should be faced as steadily as though they dealt with some
+unimportant question. I was bound to recognise, however, that more than
+intellectual honesty would be here required, for if the result of the
+study were--as I dimly felt it would be--to establish disbelief in the
+supernatural claims of Christ, I could not but feel that such disbelief
+would necessarily entail most unpleasant external results. I might give
+up belief in all save this, and yet remain a member of the Church of
+England: views on Inspiration, on Eternal Torture, on the Vicarious
+Atonement, however heterodox, might be held within the pale of the
+Church; many broad church clergymen rejected these as decidedly as I did
+myself, and yet remained members of the Establishment; the judgment on
+"Essays and Reviews" gave this wide liberty to heresy within the Church,
+and a laywoman might well claim the freedom of thought legally bestowed
+on divines. The name "Christian" might well be worn while Christ was
+worshipped as God, and obeyed as the "Revealer of the Father's will",
+the "well-beloved Son", the "Savior and Lord of men". But once challenge
+that unique position, once throw off that supreme sovereignty, and then
+it seemed to me that the name "Christian" became a hypocrisy, and its
+renouncement a duty incumbent on an upright mind. But I was a clergyman's
+wife; my position made my participation in the Holy Communion a
+necessity, and my withdrawal therefrom would be an act marked and
+commented upon by all. Yet if I lost my faith in Christ, how could I
+honestly approach "the Lord's Table", where Christ was the central figure
+and the recipient of the homage paid there by every worshipper to "God
+made man"? Hitherto mental pain alone had been the price demanded
+inexorably from the searcher after truth; now to the inner would be added
+the outer warfare, and how could I tell how far this might carry me?
+
+One night only I spent in this struggle over the question: "Shall I
+examine the claims to Deity of Jesus of Nazareth?". When morning broke
+the answer was clearly formulated: "Truth is greater than peace or
+position. If Jesus be God, challenge will not shake his Deity; if he be
+Man, it is blasphemy to worship him." I re-read Liddon's "Bampton
+Lectures" on this controversy and Renan's "Vie de Jesus". I studied the
+Gospels, and tried to represent to myself the life there outlined; I
+tested the conduct there given as I should have tested the conduct of any
+ordinary historical character; I noted that in the Synoptics no claim to
+Deity was made by Jesus himself, nor suggested by his disciples; I
+weighed his own answer to an enquirer, with its plain disavowal of
+Godhood: "Why callest thou me good? There is none good save one, that is
+God" (Matt, xix., 17); I conned over his prayers to "my Father", his rest
+on divine protection, his trust in a power greater than his own; I noted
+his repudiation of divine knowledge: "Of that day and that hour knoweth
+no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, _neither the Son_, but
+the Father" (Mark xiii., 32); I studied the meaning of his prayer of
+anguished submission: "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass
+from me! nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt" (Matt, xxvi.,
+39); I dwelt on his bitter cry in his dying agony: "My God, my God, why
+hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt, xxvii., 46); I asked the meaning of the
+final words of rest: "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" (Luke
+xxiii., 46). And I saw that, if there were any truth in the Gospels at
+all, they told the story of a struggling, suffering, sinning, praying
+man, and not of a God at all and the dogma of the Deity of Christ
+followed the rest of the Christian doctrines into the limbo of past
+beliefs.
+
+Yet one other effort I made to save myself from the difficulties I
+foresaw in connexion with this final breach with Christianity. There was
+one man who had in former days wielded over me a great influence, one
+whose writings had guided and taught me for many years--Dr. Pusey, the
+venerable leader of the Catholic party in the Church, the learned
+Patristic scholar, full of the wisdom of antiquity. He believed in Christ
+as God; what if I put my difficulties to him? If he resolved them for me
+I should escape the struggle I foresaw; if he could not resolve them,
+then no answer to them was to be hoped for. My decision was quickly made;
+being with my mother, I could write to him unnoticed, and I sat down and
+put my questions clearly and fully, stating my difficulties and asking
+him whether, out of his wider knowledge and deeper reading, he could
+resolve them for me. I wish I could here print his answer, together with
+two or three other letters I received from him, but the packet was
+unfortunately stolen from my desk and I have never recovered it. Dr.
+Pusey advised me to read Liddon's "Bampton Lectures", referred me to
+various passages, chiefly from the Fourth Gospel, if I remember rightly,
+and invited me to go down to Oxford and talk over my difficulties.
+Liddon's "Bampton Lectures" I had thoroughly studied, and the Fourth
+Gospel had no weight with me, the arguments in favor of its Alexandrian
+origin being familiar to me, but I determined to accept his invitation to
+a personal interview, regarding it as the last chance of remaining in the
+Church.
+
+To Oxford, accordingly, I took the train, and made my way to the famous
+Doctor's rooms. I was shown in, and saw a short, stout gentleman, dressed
+in a cassock, and looking like a comfortable monk; but the keen eyes,
+steadfastly gazing straight into mine, told me of the power and subtlety
+hidden by the unprepossessing form. The head was fine and impressive, the
+voice low, penetrating, drilled into a somewhat monotonous and
+artificially subdued tone. I quickly found that no sort of enlightenment
+could possibly result from our interview. He treated me as a penitent
+going to confession, seeking the advice of a director, not as an enquirer
+struggling after truth, and resolute to obtain some firm standing-ground
+in the sea of doubt, whether on the shores of orthodoxy or of heresy. He
+would not deal with the question of the Deity of Jesus as a question for
+argument; he reminded me: "You are speaking of your judge," when I
+pressed some question. The mere suggestion of an imperfection in Jesus'
+character made him shudder in positive pain, and he checked me with
+raised hand, and the rebuke: "You are blaspheming; the very thought is a
+terrible sin". I asked him if he could recommend to me any books which
+would throw light on the subject: "No, no, you have read too much
+already. You must pray; you must pray." Then, as I said that I could not
+believe without proof, I was told: "Blessed are they that have not seen,
+and yet have believed," and my further questioning was checked by the
+murmur: "O my child, how undisciplined! how impatient!". Truly, he must
+have found in me--hot, eager, passionate in my determination to know,
+resolute not to profess belief while belief was absent--but very little
+of that meek, chastened, submissive spirit to which he was accustomed in
+the penitents wont to seek his counsel as their spiritual guide. In vain
+did he bid me pray as though I believed; in vain did he urge the duty of
+blind submission to the authority of the Church, of yielding, unreasoning
+faith, which received but questioned not. He had no conception of the
+feelings of the sceptical spirit; his own faith was solid as a rock--
+firm, satisfied, unshakeable; he would as soon have committed suicide as
+have doubted of the infallibility of the "Universal Church".
+
+"It is not your duty to ascertain the truth," he told me sternly. "It is
+your duty to accept and to believe the truth as laid down by the Church;
+at your peril you reject it; the responsibility is not yours so long as
+you dutifully accept that which the Church has laid down for your
+acceptance. Did not the Lord promise that the presence of the Spirit
+should be ever with his Church, to guide her into all truth?"
+
+"But the fact of the promise and its value are the very points on which I
+am doubtful," I answered.
+
+He shuddered. "Pray, pray," he said. "Father, forgive her, for she knows
+not what she says."
+
+It was in vain I urged that I had everything to gain and nothing to lose
+by following his directions, but that it seemed to me that fidelity to
+truth forbade a pretended acceptance of that which was not believed.
+
+"Everything to lose? Yes, indeed. You will be lost for time and lost for
+eternity."
+
+"Lost or not," I rejoined, "I must and will try to find out what is true,
+and I will not believe till I am sure."
+
+"You have no right to make terms with God," he answered, "as to what you
+will believe and what you will not believe. You are full of intellectual
+pride."
+
+I sighed hopelessly. Little feeling of pride was there in me just then,
+and I felt that in this rigid unyielding dogmatism there was no
+comprehension of my difficulties, no help for me in my strugglings. I
+rose and, thanking him for his courtesy, said that I would not waste his
+time further, that I must go home and just face the difficulties out,
+openly leaving the Church and taking the consequences. Then for the first
+time his serenity was ruffled.
+
+"I forbid you to speak of your disbelief," he cried. "I forbid you to
+lead into your own lost state the souls for whom Christ died."
+
+Slowly and sadly I took my way back to the station, knowing that my last
+chance of escape had failed me. I recognised in this famous divine the
+spirit of the priest, which could be tender and pitiful to the sinner,
+repentant, humble, submissive, craving only for pardon and for guidance,
+but which was iron to the doubter, to the heretic, and would crush out
+all questionings of "revealed truth", silencing by force, not by
+argument, all challenge of the traditions of the Church. Out of such men
+were made the Inquisitors of the Middle Ages, perfectly conscientious,
+perfectly rigid, perfectly merciless to the heretic. To them heretics
+were and are centres of infectious disease, and charity to them "the
+worst cruelty to the souls of men". Certain that they hold "by no merit
+of our own, but by the mercy of our God the one truth which he hath
+revealed", they can permit no questionings, they can accept nought but
+the most complete submission. But while man aspires after truth, while
+his brain yearns after knowledge, while his intellect soars upward into
+the heaven of speculation and "beats the air with tireless wing", so long
+shall those who demand faith be met by challenge for proof, and those who
+would blind him shall be defeated by his determination to gaze
+unblenching on the face of Truth, even though her eyes should turn him
+into stone.
+
+During this same visit to London I saw Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Scott for the
+first time. I had gone down to Dulwich to see Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, and
+after dinner we went over to Upper Norwood, and I was introduced to one
+of the most remarkable men I have ever met. At that time Mr. Scott was an
+old man, with beautiful white hair, and eyes like those of a hawk
+gleaming from under shaggy eyebrows; he had been a man of magnificent
+physique, and though his frame was then enfeebled, the splendid lion-like
+head kept its impressive strength and beauty, and told of a unique
+personality. Of Scotch descent and wellborn, Thomas Scott had, as a boy,
+been a page at the French Court; his manhood was spent in many lands, for
+he "was a mighty hunter", though not "before the Lord". He had lived for
+months among the North American Indians, sharing the hardships of their
+wild life; he had hunted and fished all over the world. At last, he came
+home, married, and ultimately settled down at Ramsgate, where he made his
+home a centre of heretical thought. He issued an enormous number of
+tracts and pamphlets, and each month he sent out a small packet to
+hundreds of subscribers and friends. This monthly issue of heretical
+literature soon made itself a power in the world of thought; the tracts
+were of various shades of opinion, but were all heretical: some moderate,
+some extreme; all were well-written, cultured and polished in tone--this
+was a rule to which Mr. Scott made no exceptions; his writers might say
+what they liked, but they must have something real to say, and they must
+say that something in good English. The little white packets found their
+way into many a quiet country parsonage, into many a fashionable home.
+His correspondence was world-wide and came from all classes--now a letter
+from a Prime Minister, now one from a blacksmith. All were equally
+welcome, and all were answered with equal courtesy. At his house met
+people of the most varying opinions. Colenso, Bishop of Natal, Edward
+Maitland, E. Vansittart Neale, Charles Bray, Sara Hennell, W.J. Birch, R.
+Suffield, and hundreds more, clerics and laymen, scholars and thinkers,
+all gathered in this one home, to which the right of _entrée_ was gained
+only by love of Truth and desire to spread Freedom among men.
+
+Mr. Scott devoted his fortune to this great work. He would never let
+publishers have his pamphlets in the ordinary way of trade, but issued
+them all himself and distributed them gratuitously. If anyone desired to
+subscribe, well and good, they might help in the work, but make it a
+matter of business he would not. If anyone sent money for some tracts, he
+would send out double the worth of the money enclosed, and thus for years
+he carried on this splendid propagandist work. In all he was nobly
+seconded by his wife, his "right hand" as he well named her, a sweet,
+strong, gentle, noble woman, worthy of her husband, and than that no
+higher praise can be spoken. Of both I shall have more to say hereafter,
+but at present we are at the time of my first visit to them at Upper
+Norwood, whither they had removed from Ramsgate.
+
+Kindly greeting was given by both, and on Mr. Voysey suggesting that
+judging by one essay of mine that he had seen--an essay which was later
+expanded into the one on "Inspiration", in the Scott series--my pen would
+be useful for propagandist work, Mr. Scott bade me try what I could do,
+and send him for criticism anything I thought good enough for
+publication; he did not, of course, promise to accept an essay, but he
+promised to read it. A question arose as to the name to be attached to
+the essay, in case of publication, and I told him that my name was not my
+own to use, and that I did not suppose that Mr. Besant could possibly, in
+his position, give me permission to attach it to a heretical essay; we
+agreed that any essays I might write should for the present be published
+anonymously, and that I should try my hand to begin with on the subject
+of the "Deity of Jesus of Nazareth". And so I parted from those who were
+to be such good friends to me in the coming time of struggle.
+
+
+
+IX.
+
+
+My resolve was now made, and henceforth there was at least no more doubt
+so far as my position towards the Church was concerned. I made up my mind
+to leave it, but was willing to make the leaving as little obtrusive as
+possible. On my return to Sibsey I stated clearly the ground on which I
+stood. I was ready to attend the Church services, joining in such parts
+as were addressed to "the Supreme Being", for I was still heartily
+Theistic; "the Father", shorn of all the horrible accessories hung round
+him by Christianity, was still to me an object of adoration, and I could
+still believe in and worship One who was "righteous in all His ways, and
+holy in all His works", although the Moloch to whom was sacrificed the
+well-beloved son had passed away for ever from my creed. Christian I was
+not, though Theist I was, and I felt that the wider and more generous
+faith would permit me to bow to the common God with my Christian
+brethren, if only I was not compelled to pay homage to that "Son of Man"
+whom Christians believed divine, homage which to me had become idolatry,
+insulting to the "One God", to him of whom Jesus himself had spoken as of
+"my God and your God".
+
+Simply enough was the difficulty arranged for the moment. It was agreed
+that I should withdraw myself from the "Holy Communion"--for in that
+service, full of the recognition of Jesus as Deity, I could not join
+without hypocrisy. The ordinary services I would attend, merely remaining
+silent during those portions of them in which I could not honestly take
+part, and while I knew that these changes in a clergyman's wife could not
+pass unnoticed in a country village, I yet felt that nothing less than
+this was consistent with barest duty. While I had merely doubted, I had
+kept silence, and no act of mine had suggested doubt to others. Now that
+I had no doubt that Christianity was a delusion, I would no longer act as
+though I believed that to be of God which heart and intellect rejected as
+untrue.
+
+For awhile all went smoothly. I daresay the parishioners gossipped about
+the absence of their vicar's wife from the Sacrament, and indeed I
+remember the pain and trembling wherewith, on the first "Sacrament
+Sunday" after my return, I rose from my seat and walked quietly from the
+church, leaving the white-spread altar. That the vicar's wife should
+"communicate" was as much a matter of course as that the vicar should
+"administer"; I had never in my life taken public part in anything that
+made me noticeable in any way among strangers, and still I can recall the
+feeling of deadly sickness that well nigh overcame me, as rising to go
+out I felt that every eye in the church was on me, and that my exit would
+be the cause of unending comment. As a matter of fact, everyone thought
+that I was taken suddenly ill, and many were the calls and enquiries on
+the following day. To any direct question, I answered quietly that I was
+unable to take part in the profession of faith required from an honest
+communicant, but the statement was rarely necessary, for the idea of
+heresy in a vicar's wife did not readily suggest itself to the ordinary
+bucolic mind, and I did not proffer information when it was unasked for.
+
+It happened that, shortly after that (to me) memorable Christmas of 1872,
+a sharp epidemic of typhoid fever broke out in the village of Sibsey. The
+drainage there was of the most primitive type, and the contagion spread
+rapidly. Naturally fond of nursing, I found in this epidemic work just
+fitted to my hand, and I was fortunate enough to be able to lend personal
+help that made me welcome in the homes of the stricken poor. The mothers
+who slept exhausted while I watched beside their darlings' bedsides will
+never, I like to fancy, think over harshly of the heretic whose hand was
+as tender and often more skilful than their own. I think Mother Nature
+meant me for a nurse, for I take a sheer delight in nursing anyone,
+provided only that there is peril in the sickness, so that there is the
+strange and solemn feeling of the struggle between the human skill one
+wields and the supreme enemy, Death. There is a strange fascination in
+fighting Death, step by step, and this is of course felt to the full
+where one fights for life as life, and not for a life one loves. When the
+patient is beloved, the struggle is touched with agony, but where one
+fights with Death over the body of a stranger, there is a weird
+enchantment in the contest without personal pain, and as one forces back
+the hated foe there is a curious triumph in the feeling which marks the
+death-grip yielding up its prey, as one snatches back to earth the life
+which had well-nigh perished.
+
+Meanwhile, the promise to Mr. Scott was not forgotten, and I penned the
+essay on "The Deity of Jesus of Nazareth" which stands first in the
+collection of essays published later under the title, "My Path to
+Atheism". The only condition annexed to my sending it to Mr. Scott was
+the perfectly fair one that if published it should appear without my
+name. Mr. Scott was well pleased with the essay, and before long it was
+printed as one of the "Scott Series", to my great delight.
+
+But unfortunately a copy sent to a relative of Mr. Besant's brought about
+a storm. That gentlemen did not disagree with it--indeed he admitted that
+all educated persons must hold the views put forward--but what would
+Society say? What would "the county families" think if one of the
+clerical party was known to be a heretic. This dreadful little paper bore
+the inscription "By the wife of a beneficed clergyman"; what would happen
+if the "wife of the beneficed clergyman" were identified with Mrs. Besant
+of Sibsey?
+
+After some thought I made a compromise. Alter or hide my faith I would
+not, but yield personal feelings I would. I gave up my correspondence
+with Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, which might, it was alleged, he noticed in the
+village and so give rise to mischievous gossip. In this Mr. and Mrs.
+Voysey most generously helped me, bidding me rest assured of their
+cordial friendship while counselling me for awhile to cease the
+correspondence which was one of the few pleasures of my life, but was not
+part of my duty to the higher and freer faith which we had all embraced.
+With keen regret I bade them for awhile farewell, and went back to my
+lonely life.
+
+In that spring of 1873, I delivered my first lecture. It was delivered to
+no one, queer as that may sound to my readers. And indeed, it was queer
+altogether. I was learning to play the organ, and was in the habit of
+practising in the church by myself, without a blower. One day, being
+securely locked in, I thought I would like to try how "it felt" to speak
+from the pulpit. Some vague fancies were stirring in me, that I could
+speak if I had the chance; very vague they were, for the notion that I
+might ever speak on the platform had never dawned on me; only the longing
+to find outlet in words was in me; the feeling that I had something to
+say, and the yearning to say it. So, queer as it may seem? I ascended the
+pulpit in the big, empty, lonely church, and there and then I delivered
+my first lecture! I shall never forget the feeling of power and of
+delight which came upon me as my voice rolled down the aisles, and the
+passion in me broke into balanced sentences, and never paused for
+rhythmical expression, while I felt that all I wanted was to see the
+church full of upturned faces, instead of the emptiness of the silent
+pews. And as though in a dream the solitude became peopled, and I saw the
+listening faces and the eager eyes, and as the sentences came unbidden
+from my lips, and my own tones echoed back to me from the pillars of the
+ancient church, I knew of a verity that the gift of speech was mine, and
+that if ever--and it seemed then so impossible--if ever the chance came
+to me of public work, that at least this power of melodious utterance
+should win hearing for any message I had to bring.
+
+But that knowledge remained a secret all to my own self for many a long
+month, for I quickly felt ashamed of that foolish speechifying in an
+empty church, and I only recall it now because, in trying to trace out
+one's mental growth, it is only fair to notice the first silly striving
+after that expression in spoken words, which, later, has become to me one
+of the deepest delights of life. And indeed none can know save they who
+have felt it what joy there is in the full rush of language which, moves
+and sways; to feel a crowd respond to the lightest touch; to see the
+faces brighten or graven at your bidding; to know that the sources of
+human passion and human emotion gush at the word of the speaker, as the
+stream from the riven rock; to feel that the thought that thrills through
+a thousand hearers has its impulse from you and throbs back to you the
+fuller from a thousand heart-beats; is there any joy in life more
+brilliant than this, fuller of passionate triumph, and of the very
+essence of intellectual delight?
+
+My pen was busy, and a second pamphlet, dealing with the Johannine
+gospel, was written and sent up to Mr. Scott under the same conditions of
+anonymity as before, for it was seen that my authorship could in nowise
+be suspected, and Mr. Scott paid me for my work. I had also made a
+collection of Theistic, but non-Christian, hymns, with a view of meeting
+a want felt by Mr. Voysey's congregation at St. George's Hall, and this
+was lying idle, while it might be utilised. So it was suggested that I
+should take up again my correspondence with Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, and glad
+enough was I to do so. During this time my health was rapidly failing,
+and in the summer of 1873 it broke down completely. At last I went up to
+London to consult a physician, and was told I was suffering from general
+nervous exhaustion, which, was accompanied by much disturbance of the
+functions of the heart. "There is no organic disease yet," said Dr.
+Sibson, "but there soon will be, unless you can completely change your
+manner of life." Such a change was not possible, and I grew rapidly
+worse. The same bad adviser who had before raised the difficulty of "what
+will Society say?" again interfered, and urged that pressure should be
+put on me to compel me at least to conform to the outward ceremonies of
+the Church, and to attend the Holy Communion. This I was resolved not to
+do, whatever might be the result of my "obstinacy ", and the result was
+not long in coming.
+
+I had been with the children to Southsea, to see if the change would
+restore my shattered health, and stayed in town with my mother on my
+return under Dr. Sibson's care. Very skilful and very good to me was Dr.
+Sibson, giving me for almost nothing all the wealthiest could have bought
+with their gold, but he could not remove all then in my life which made
+the re-acquiring of health impossible. What the doctor could not do,
+however, others did. It was resolved that I should either resume
+attendance at the Communion, or should not return home; hypocrisy or
+expulsion--such was the alternative; I chose the latter.
+
+A bitterly sad time followed; my dear mother was heartbroken; to her,
+with her wide and vague form of Christianity, loosely held, the intensity
+of my feeling that where I did not believe I would not pretend belief,
+was incomprehensible. She recognised far more fully than I all that a
+separation from my home meant for me, and the difficulties which would
+surround a young woman not yet six-and-twenty, living alone. She knew how
+brutally the world judges, and how the mere fact that a woman is young
+and alone justifies any coarseness of slander. Then, I did not guess how
+cruel men and women could be, but knowing it from eleven years'
+experience, I deliberately say that I would rather go through it all
+again with my eyes wide open from the first, than have passed those
+eleven years "in Society" under the burden of an acted lie.
+
+But the struggle was hard when she prayed me for her sake to give way;
+against harshness I had been rigid as steel, but to remain steadfast when
+my darling mother, whom I loved as I loved nothing else on earth, begged
+me on her knees to yield, was indeed hard. I felt as though it must be a
+crime to refuse submission when she urged it, but still--to live a lie?
+Not even for her was that possible.
+
+Then there were the children, the two little ones who worshipped me, I
+who was to them mother, nurse, and playfellow. Were these also to be
+resigned? For awhile, at least, this complete loss was spared me, for
+facts (which I have not touched on in this record) came accidentally to
+my brother's knowledge, and he resolved that I should have the protection
+of legal separation, and should not be turned wholly penniless and alone
+into the world. So, when everything was arranged, I found myself
+possessed of my little girl, of complete personal freedom, and of a small
+monthly income sufficient for respectable starvation.
+
+
+
+X.
+
+
+The "world was all before us where to choose", but circumstances narrowed
+the choice down to Hobson's. I had no ready money beyond the first
+month's payment of my annuity; furnished lodgings were beyond my means,
+and I had nothing wherewith to buy furniture. My brother offered me a
+home, on condition that I should give up my "heretical friends" and keep
+quiet; but, being freed from one bondage, nothing was further from my
+thoughts than to enter another. Besides, I did not choose to be a burden
+on anyone, and I resolved to "get something to do", to rent a tiny house,
+and to make a nest where my mother, my little girl, and I could live
+happily together. The difficulty was the "something"; I spent various
+shillings in agencies, with a quite wonderful unanimity of failures. I
+tried to get some fancy needlework, advertised as an infallible source of
+income to "ladies in reduced circumstances"; I fitted the advertisement
+admirably, for I was a lady, and my circumstances were decidedly reduced,
+but I only earned 4s. 6d. by weeks of stitching, and the materials cost
+nearly as much as the finished work. I experimented with a Birmingham
+firm, who generously offered everyone an opportunity of adding to their
+incomes, and received in answer to the small fee demanded a pencil-case,
+with an explanation that I was to sell little articles of that
+description--going as far as cruet-stands--to my friends; I did not feel
+equal to springing pencil-cases and cruet-stands casually on my
+acquaintances, so did not start in that business. It would be idle to
+relate all the things I tried, and failed in, until I began to think that
+the "something to do" was not so easy to find as I had expected.
+
+I made up my mind to settle at Upper Norwood, near Mr. and Mrs. Scott,
+who were more than good to me in my trouble; and I fixed on a very little
+house in Colby Road, Gipsy Hill, to be taken from the ensuing Easter.
+Then came the question of furniture; a friend of Mr. Scott's gave me an
+introduction to a manufacturer, who agreed to let me have furniture for a
+bedroom and sitting-room, and to let me pay him by monthly instalments.
+The next thing was to save a few months' annuity, and so have a little
+money in hand, wherewith to buy necessaries on starting, and to this end
+I decided to accept a loving invitation to Folkestone, where my
+grandmother was living with two of my aunts, and there to seek some
+employment, no matter what, provided it gave me food and lodging, and
+enabled me to put aside my few pounds a month.
+
+Relieved from the constant strain of fear and anxiety, my health was
+quickly improving, and the improvement became more rapid after I went
+down with my mother to Folkestone. The hearty welcome offered to me there
+was extended with equal warmth to little Mabel, who soon arrived, a most
+forlorn little maiden. She was only three years old, and she had not seen
+me for some weeks; her passion of delight was pitiful; she clung to me,
+in literal fashion, for weeks afterwards, and screamed if she lost sight
+of me for a moment; it was long before she got over the separation and
+the terror of her lonely journey from Sibsey and London in charge only of
+the guard. But she was a "winsome wee thing", and danced into everyone's
+heart; after "mamma", "granny" was the prime favorite, and my dear mother
+worshipped her first grand-daughter; never was prettier picture than the
+red-golden hair nestled against the white, the baby-grace contrasting
+with the worn stateliness of her tender nurse. From that time forward--
+with the exception of a few weeks of which I shall speak presently and of
+the yearly stay of a month with her father--little Mabel was my constant
+companion, until Sir George Jessel's brutality robbed me of my child. She
+would play contentedly while I was working, a word now and again enough
+to make her happy; when I had to go out without her she would run to the
+door with me, and the "good-bye" came from down-curved lips, and she was
+ever watching at the window for my return, and the sunny face was always
+the first to welcome me home. Many and many a time have I been coming
+home, weary and heart-sick, and the glimpse of the little face watching
+has reminded me that I must not carry in a grave face to sadden my
+darling, and the effort to throw off the dreariness for her sake shook it
+off altogether, and brought back the sunshine. I have never forgiven Sir
+George Jessel, and I never shall, though his death has left me only his
+memory to hate.
+
+At Folkestone, I continued my search for "something to do", and for some
+weeks sought for pupils, thinking I might thus turn my heresy to account.
+But pupils are not readily attainable by a heretic woman, away from her
+natural home, and with a young child as "encumbrance". It chanced,
+however, that the vicar of Folkestone, Mr. Woodward, was then without a
+governess, and his wife was in very delicate health. My people knew him
+well, and as I had plenty of spare time, I offered to teach the children
+for a few hours a day. The offer was gladly accepted, and I soon arranged
+to go and stay at the house for awhile, until he could find a regular
+governess. I thought that at least I could save my small income while I
+was there, and Mabel and I were to be boarded and lodged in exchange for
+my work. This work was fairly heavy, but I did not mind that; it soon
+became heavier. Some serious fault on the part of one or both servants
+led to their sudden retirement, and I became head cook as well as
+governess and nurse. On the whole, I think I shall not try to live by
+cooking, if other trades fail; I don't mind boiling and frying, and
+making pie-crust is rather pleasant, but I do object to lifting saucepans
+and blistering my hands over heavy kettles. There is a certain charm in
+making a stew, especially to the unaccustomed cook, because of the
+excitement of wondering what the result of such various ingredients will
+be, and whether any flavor save that of onions will survive the
+competition in the mixture. On the whole my services as cook were voted
+very successful; I did my cooking better than I did my sweeping: the
+latter was a failure from sheer want of muscular strength.
+
+This curious episode came to an end abruptly. One of my little pupils
+fell ill with diptheria, and I was transformed from cook into sick-nurse.
+I sent my Mabel off promptly to her dear grandmother's care, and gave
+myself up to my old delight in nursing. But it is a horrible disease,
+diptheria, and the suffering of the patient is frightful to witness. I
+shall never forget the poor little girl's black parched lips and gasping
+breath.
+
+Scarcely was she convalescent, when the youngest boy, a fine, strong,
+healthy little fellow, sickened with scarlet fever. We elders held a
+consultation, and decided to isolate the top floor from the rest of the
+house, and to nurse the little lad there; it seemed almost hopeless to
+prevent such a disease from spreading through a family of children, but
+our vigorous measures were successful, and none other suffered. I was
+voted to the post of nurse, and installed myself promptly, taking up the
+carpets, turning out the curtains, and across the door ways hanging
+sheets which I kept always wet with chloride of lime. My meals were
+brought upstairs and put on the landing outside; my patient and I
+remained completely isolated, until the disease had run its course; and
+when all risk was over, I proudly handed over my charge, the disease
+touching no other member of the flock.
+
+It was a strange time, those weeks of the autumn and early winter in Mr.
+Woodward's house. He was a remarkably good man, very religious and to a
+very remarkable extent not "of this world". A "priest" to the tips of his
+finger-nails, and looking on his priestly office as the highest a man
+could fill, he yet held it always as one which put him at the service of
+the poorest who needed help. He was very good to me, and, while deeply
+lamenting my "perversion", held, by some strange unpriestlike charity,
+that my "unbelief" was but a passing cloud, sent as trial by "the Lord",
+and soon to vanish again, leaving me in the "sunshine of faith". He
+marvelled much, I learned afterwards, where I gained my readiness to work
+heartily for others, and to remain serenely content amid the roughnesses
+of my toiling life. To my great amusement I heard later that his elder
+daughters, trained in strictest observance of all Church ceremonies, had
+much discussed my non-attendance at the Sacrament, and had finally
+arrived at the conclusion that I had committed some deadly sin, for which
+the humble work which I undertook at their house was the appointed
+penance, and that I was excluded from "the Blessed Sacrament" until the
+penance was completed!
+
+Very shortly after the illness above-mentioned, my mother went up to
+town, whither I was soon to follow her, for now the spring had arrived,
+and it was time to prepare our new home. How eagerly we had looked
+forward to taking possession; how we had talked over our life together
+and knitted on the new one we anticipated to the old one we remembered;
+how we had planned out Mabel's training and arranged the duties that
+should fall to the share of each! Day-dreams, that never were to be
+realised!
+
+But a brief space had passed since my mother's arrival in town, when I
+received a telegram from my brother, stating that she was dangerously
+ill, and summoning me at once to her bedside. As swiftly as express train
+could carry me to London I was there, and found my darling in bed,
+prostrate, the doctor only giving her three days to live. One moment's
+sight I caught of her face, drawn and haggard; then as she saw me it all
+changed into delight; "At last! now I can rest."
+
+The brave spirit had at length broken down, never again to rise; the
+action of her heart had failed, the valves no longer performed their
+duty, and the bluish shade of forehead and neck told that the blood was
+no longer sent pure and vivifying through the arteries. But her death was
+not as near as the doctor had feared; "I do not think she can live
+four-and-twenty hours," he said to me, after I had been with her for two
+days. I told her his verdict, but it moved her little; "I do not feel
+that I am going to die just yet," she said resolutely, and she was right.
+There was an attack of fearful prostration, a very wrestling with death,
+and then the grim shadow drew backwards, and she struggled back to life.
+Soon, as is usual in cases of such disease, dropsy intervened, with all
+its weariness of discomfort, and for week after week her long martyrdom
+dragged on. I nursed her night and day, with a very desperation of
+tenderness, for now fate had touched the thing that was dearest to me in
+life. A second horrible crisis came, and for the second time her tenacity
+and my love beat back the death-stroke. She did not wish to die--the love
+of life was strong in her; I would not let her die; between us we kept
+the foe at bay.
+
+At this period, after eighteen months of abstention, and for the last
+time, I took the Sacrament. This statement will seem strange to my
+readers, but the matter happened in this wise:
+
+My dear mother had an intense longing to take it, but absolutely refused
+to do so unless I partook of it with her.
+
+"If it be necessary to salvation," she persisted doggedly, "I will not
+take it if darling Annie is to be shut out. I would rather be lost with
+her than saved without her." In vain I urged that I could not take it
+without telling the officiating clergyman of my heresy, and that under
+such circumstances the clergyman would be sure to refuse to administer to
+me. She insisted that she could not die happy if she did not take it with
+me. I went to a clergyman I knew well, and laid the case before him; as I
+expected, he refused to allow me to communicate. I tried a second; the
+result was the same. I was in despair; to me the service was foolish and
+superstitious, but I would have done a great deal more for my mother than
+eat bread and drink wine, provided that the eating and drinking did not,
+by pretence of faith on my part, soil my honesty. At last a thought
+struck me; there was Dean Stanley, my mother's favorite, a man known to
+be of the broadest school within the Church of England; suppose I asked
+him? I did not know him, though as a young child I had known his sister
+as my mother's friend, and I felt the request would be something of an
+impertinence. Yet there was just the chance that he might consent, and
+then my darling's death-bed would be the easier. I told no one, but set
+out resolutely for the Deanery, Westminster, timidly asked for the Dean,
+and followed the servant upstairs with a very sinking heart. I was left
+for a moment alone in the library, and then the Dean came in. I don't
+think I ever in my life felt more intensely uncomfortable than I did in
+that minute's interval, as he stood waiting for me to speak, his clear,
+grave, piercing eyes gazing right into mine.
+
+Very falteringly I preferred my request, stating baldly that I was not a
+believer in Christ, that my mother was dying, that she was fretting to
+take the Sacrament, that she would not take it unless I took it with her,
+that two clergymen had refused to allow me to take part in the service,
+that I had come to him in despair, feeling how great was the intrusion,
+but--she was dying.
+
+"You were quite right to come to me," he said as I concluded, in that
+soft musical voice of his, his keen gaze having changed into one no less
+direct, but marvellously gentle: "of course, I will go and see your
+mother, and I have little doubt that if you will not mind talking over
+your position with me, we may see our way clear to doing as your mother
+wishes."
+
+I could barely speak my thanks, so much did the kindly sympathy move me;
+the revulsion from the anxiety and fear of rebuff was strong enough to be
+almost pain. But Dean Stanley did more than I asked. He suggested that he
+should call that afternoon, and have a quiet chat with my mother, and
+then come again on the following day to administer the Sacrament.
+
+"A stranger's presence is always trying to a sick person," he said, with
+rare delicacy of thought; "and joined to the excitement of the service it
+might be too much for your dear mother. If I spend half-an-hour with her
+to-day, and administer the Sacrament to-morrow, it will, I think, be
+better for her."
+
+So Dean Stanley came that afternoon, and remained talking with my mother
+for about half-an-hour, and then set himself to understand my own
+position. He finally told me that conduct was far more important than
+theory, and that he regarded all as "Christians" who recognised and tried
+to follow the moral law. On the question of the absolute Deity of Jesus
+he laid but little stress; Jesus was, "in a special sense", the "Son of
+God", but it was folly to jangle about words with only human meanings
+when dealing with the mysteries of divine existence, and above all it was
+folly to make such words into dividing lines between earnest souls. The
+one important matter was the recognition of "duty to God and man", and
+all who were one in that recognition might rightfully join in an act of
+worship, the essence of which was not acceptance of dogma, but love of
+God and self-sacrifice for man. "The Holy Communion", he said, in his
+soft tones, "was never meant to divide from each other hearts that are
+searching after the one true God; it was meant by its founder as a symbol
+of unity, not of strife".
+
+On the following day he came again, and celebrated the "Holy Communion"
+by the bedside of my dear mother. Well was I repaid for the struggle it
+had cost me to ask so great a kindness from a stranger, when I saw the
+comfort that gentle noble heart had given to my mother. He soothed away
+all her anxiety about my heresy with tactful wisdom, bidding her have no
+fear of differences of opinion where the heart was set on truth.
+"Remember", she told me he had said to her, "remember that our God is the
+God of truth, and that therefore the honest search for truth can never be
+displeasing in his eyes".
+
+Once again after that he came, and after his visit to my mother we had
+another long talk. I ventured to ask him, the conversation having turned
+that way, how, with views so broad as his own, he found it possible to
+remain in communion with the Church of England. "I think", he said
+gently, "that I am of more service to true religion by remaining in the
+Church and striving to widen its boundaries from within, than if I left
+it and worked from without". And he went on to explain how, as Dean of
+Westminster, he was in a rarely independent position, and could make the
+Abbey of a wider national service than would otherwise be possible. In
+all he said on this his love for and his pride in the glorious Abbey were
+manifest, and it was easy to see that old historical associations, love
+of music, of painting, and of stately architecture, were the bonds that
+held him bound to the "old historic Church of England". His emotions, not
+his intellect, kept him Churchman, and he shrunk with the
+over-sensitiveness of the cultured scholar from the idea of allowing the
+old traditions, to be handled roughly by inartistic hands. Naturally of a
+refined and delicate nature, he had been rendered yet more sensitive by
+the training of the college and the court; the exquisite courtesy of his
+manners was but the high polish of a naturally gentle and artistic
+spirit, a spirit whose gentleness sometimes veiled its strength. I have
+often heard Dean Stanley harshly spoken of, I have heard his honesty
+roughly challenged, but never in my presence has he been attacked that I
+have not uttered my protest against the injustice done him, and thus
+striven to repay some small fraction of that great debt of gratitude
+which I shall owe to his memory as long as I live.
+
+As the spring grew warmer, my mother rallied wonderfully, and we began to
+dare to hope. At last it was decided to move her down to Norwood; she was
+wearying for change, and it was thought that the purer air of the country
+might aid the system to recover tone and strength. The furniture was
+waiting for me to send for it, and it was soon, conveyed to Colby Road;
+it only furnished two rooms, but I could easily sleep on the floor, and I
+made the two rooms on the ground floor into bedroom and sitting-room for
+my dear invalid. One little servant-maid was all our slender resources
+could afford, and a very charming one was found for me by Mrs. Scott.
+Through the months of hard work and poor living that followed, Mary was
+the most thoughtful and most generous of comrades. And, indeed, I have
+been very fortunate in my servants, always finding in them willingness to
+help, and freely-rendered, ungrudging kindness.
+
+I have just said that I could only furnish two rooms, but on my next
+visit to complete all the arrangements for my mother's reception, I found
+the bedroom that was to be mine neatly and prettily furnished. The good
+fairy was Mrs. Scott, who, learning the "nakedness of the land" from
+Mary, had determined that I should not be as uncomfortable as I had
+expected.
+
+It was the beginning of May, and the air was soft and bright and warm. We
+hired an invalid carriage and drove slowly down to Norwood. My mother
+seemed to enjoy the drive, and when we lifted her into the bright cosy
+room prepared for her, she was delighted with the change. On the
+following morning the improvement was continued, but in the evening she
+was taken suddenly worse, and we lifted her into bed and telegraphed for
+the doctor. But now the end had come; her strength completely failed, and
+she felt that death was upon her; but selfless to the last, her only fear
+was for me. "I am leaving you alone," she would sigh from time to time,
+and truly I felt, with an anguish I dared not realise, that when she died
+I should indeed be alone on earth.
+
+For two days longer she was with me, and, miser with my last few hours, I
+never left her side for five minutes. At last on the 10th of May the
+weakness passed into delirium, but even then the faithful eyes followed
+me about the room, until at length they closed for ever, and as the
+sun sank low in the heavens, the breath came slower and slower, till the
+silence of death came down upon us and she was gone.
+
+All that followed was like a dream. I would have none touch my dead save
+myself and her favorite sister, who was with us at the last; she wept
+over her, but I could not, not even when they hid her beneath the
+coffin-lid, nor all that weary way to Kensal Green, whither we took her
+to lay her with her husband and her baby-son. I could not believe that
+our day-dream was dead and buried, and the home destroyed ere it was
+fairly made. My "house was left unto" me "desolate", and the rooms filled
+with sunshine, but unlighted by her presence, seemed to reiterate to me:
+"You are all alone ".
+
+
+
+XI.
+
+
+The two months after my mother's death were the dreariest my life has
+known, and they were months of tolerably hard struggle. The little house
+in Colby Road taxed my slender resources heavily, and the search for work
+was not yet successful. I do not know how I should have managed but for
+the help, ever at hand, of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Scott. During this time I
+wrote for Mr. Scott pamphlets on Inspiration, Atonement, Mediation and
+Salvation, Eternal Torture, Religious Education of Children, Natural _v._
+Revealed Religion, and the few guineas thus earned were very valuable.
+Their house, too, was always open to me, and this was no small help, for
+often in those days the little money I had was enough to buy food for two
+but not enough to buy it for three, and I would go out and study all day
+at the British Museum, so as to "have my dinner in town", the said dinner
+being conspicuous by its absence. If I was away for two evenings running
+from the hospitable house in the terrace, Mrs. Scott would come down to
+see what had happened, and many a time the supper there was of real
+physical value to me. Well might I write, in 1879, when Thomas Scott lay
+dead: "It was Thomas Scott whose house was open to me when my need was
+sorest, and he never knew, this generous noble heart, how sometimes, when
+I went in, weary and overdone, from a long day's study in the British
+Museum, with scarce food to struggle through the day--he never knew how
+his genial 'Well, little lady', in welcoming tone, cheered the then utter
+loneliness of my life. To no living man or woman--save one--do I owe the
+debt of gratitude that I owe to Thomas Scott."
+
+The small amount of jewellery I possessed, and all my superfluous
+clothes, were turned into more necessary articles, and the child, at
+least, never suffered a solitary touch of want. Mary was a wonderful
+contriver, and kept house on the very slenderest funds that could be put
+into a servant's hands, and she also made the little place so bright and
+fresh-looking that it was always a pleasure to go into it. Recalling
+those days of "hard living", I can now look on them without regret. More,
+I am glad to have passed through them, for they have taught me how to
+sympathise with those who are struggling as I struggled then, and I never
+can hear the words fall from pale lips: "I am hungry", without
+remembering how painful a thing hunger is, and without curing that pain,
+at least for the moment.
+
+But I turn from this to the brighter side of my life, the intellectual
+and social side, where I found a delight unknown in the old days of
+bondage. First, there was the joy of freedom, the joy of speaking out
+frankly and honestly each thought. Truly, I had the right to say: "With a
+great price obtained I this freedom," and having paid the price, I
+revelled in the Liberty I had bought. Mr. Scott's valuable library was at
+my service; his keen brain challenged my opinions, probed my assertions,
+and suggested phases of thought hitherto untouched. I studied harder than
+ever, and the study now was unchecked by any fear of possible
+consequences. I had nothing left of the old faith save belief in "a God",
+and that began slowly to melt away. The Theistic axiom: "If there be a
+God at all he must be at least as good as his highest creature", began
+with an "if", and to that "if" I turned my attention. "Of all impossible
+things", writes Miss Frances Power Cobbe, "the most impossible must
+surely be that a man should dream something of the good and the noble,
+and that it should prove at last that his Creator was less good and less
+noble than he had dreamed." But, I questioned, are we sure that there is
+a Creator? Granted that, if there is, he must be above his highest
+creature, but--is there such a being? "The ground", says the Rev. Charles
+Voysey, "on which our belief in God rests is man. Man, parent of Bibles
+and Churches, inspirer of all good thoughts and good deeds. Man, the
+master-piece of God's thought on earth. Man, the text-book of all
+spiritual knowledge. Neither miraculous nor infallible, man is
+nevertheless the only trustworthy record of the Divine mind in things
+perhaps pertaining to God. Man's reason, conscience, and affections are
+the only true revelation of his Maker." But what if God were only man's
+own image reflected in the mirror of man's mind? What if man were the
+creator, not the revelation of his God?
+
+It was inevitable that such thoughts should arise after the more palpably
+indefensible doctrines of Christianity had been discarded. Once encourage
+the human mind to think, and bounds to the thinking can never again be
+set by authority. Once challenge traditional beliefs, and the challenge
+will ring on every shield which is hanging in the intellectual arena.
+Around me was the atmosphere of conflict, and, freed from its long
+repression, my mind leapt up to share in the strife with a joy in the
+intellectual tumult, the intellectual strain.
+
+At this time I found my way to South Place Chapel, to which Mr. Moncure
+D. Conway was attracting many a seeker after truth. I was fortunate
+enough to be introduced to this remarkable religious leader, and to his
+charming wife, one of the sweetest and steadiest natures which it has
+been my lot to meet. It was from. Mrs. Conway that I first heard of Mr.
+Bradlaugh as a speaker that everyone should hear. She asked me one day if
+I had been to the Hall of Science, and I said, with the stupid, ignorant
+reflexion of other people's prejudices which is but too common:
+
+"No, I have never been. Mr. Bradlaugh is rather a rough sort of speaker,
+is he not?"
+
+"He is the finest speaker of Saxon English that I have ever heard," Mrs.
+Conway answered, "except, perhaps, John Bright, and his power over a
+crowd is something marvellous. Whether you agree with him or not, you
+should hear him."
+
+I replied that I really did not know what his views were, beyond having a
+vague notion that he was an Atheist of a rather pronounced type, but that
+I would go and hear him when I had an opportunity.
+
+Mr. Conway had passed beyond the emotional Theism of Mr. Voysey, and talk
+with him did something towards widening my views on the question of a
+Divine Existence. I re-read carefully Mansel's Bampton Lectures, and
+found in them much to provoke doubt, nothing to induce faith. Take the
+following phrases, and think whither they carry us. Dean Mansel is
+speaking of God as Infinite, and he says: "That a man can be conscious of
+the Infinite is, then, a supposition which, in the very terms in which it
+is expressed, annihilates itself.... The Infinite, if it is to be
+conceived at all, must be conceived as potentially everything and
+actually nothing; for if there is anything in general which it cannot
+become, it is thereby limited; and if there is anything in particular
+which it actually is, it is thereby excluded from being any other thing.
+But again, it must also be conceived as actually everything and
+potentially nothing: for an unrealised potentiality is likewise a
+limitation. If the infinite can be that which it is not, it is by that
+very possibility marked out as incomplete and capable of a higher
+perfection. If it is actually everything, it possesses no characteristic
+feature by which it can be distinguished from anything else and discerned
+as an object of consciousness."
+
+Could any argument more thoroughly Atheistic be put before a mind which
+dared to think out to the logical end any train of thought? Such
+reasoning can lead but to one of two ends: despair of truth and
+consequent acceptance of the incomprehensible as Divine, or else the
+resolute refusal to profess belief where reason is helpless, and where
+faith is but the credulity of ignorance. In my case, it had the latter
+effect.
+
+At the same time I re-read Mill's "Examination of Sir W. Hamilton's
+Philosophy", and also went through a pretty severe study of Comte's
+_Philosophic Positive_. I had entirely given up the use of prayer, not
+because I was an Atheist but because I was still a Theist. It seemed to
+me to be absurd to pray, if I believed in a God who was wiser and better
+than myself. An all-wise God did not need my suggestions: an all-good God
+would do all that was best without my prompting. Prayer appeared to me to
+be a blasphemous impertinence, and for a considerable time I had
+discontinued its use. But God fades gradually out of the daily life of
+those who never pray; a God who is not a Providence is a superfluity;
+when from the heaven does not smile a listening Father, it soon becomes
+an empty space whence resounds no echo of man's cry.
+
+At last I said to Mr. Scott: "Mr. Scott, may I write a tract on the
+nature and existence of God?"
+
+He glanced at me keenly: "Ah, little lady; you are facing then that
+problem at last? I thought it must come. Write away."
+
+The thought that had been driving me forward found its expression in the
+opening words of the essay (published a few months later, with one or two
+additions that were made after I had read two of Mr. Bradlaugh's essays,
+his "Plea for Atheism", and "Is there a God?"): "It is impossible for
+those who study the deeper religious problems of our time to stave off
+much longer the question which lies at the root of them all, 'What do you
+believe in regard to God?' We may controvert Christian doctrines one
+after another; point by point we may be driven from the various beliefs
+of our churches; reason may force us to see contradictions where we had
+imagined harmony, and may open our eyes to flaws where we had dreamed of
+perfection; we resign all idea of a revelation; we seek for God in Nature
+only: we renounce for ever the hope (which glorified our former creed
+into such alluring beauty) that at some future time we should verily
+'see' God; that 'our eyes should behold the King in his beauty', in that
+fairy 'land which is very far off'. But every step we take onwards
+towards a more reasonable faith and a surer light of Truth, leads us
+nearer and nearer to the problem of problems: 'What is THAT which men
+call God?".
+
+I sketched out the plan of my essay and had written most of it when on
+returning one day from the British Museum I stopped at the shop of Mr.
+Edward Truelove, 256 High Holborn. I had been working at some Comtist
+literature, and had found a reference to Mr. Truelove's shop as one at
+which Comtist publications might be bought. Lying on the counter was a
+copy of the _National Reformer_, and attracted by the title I bought it.
+I had never before heard of nor seen the paper, and I read it placidly in
+the omnibus; looking up, I was at first puzzled and then amused to see an
+old gentleman gazing at me with indignation and horror printed on his
+countenance; I realised that my paper had disturbed his peace of mind,
+and that the sight of a young woman, respectably dressed in crape,
+reading an Atheistic journal in an omnibus was a shock too great to be
+endured by the ordinary Philistine without sign of discomposure. He
+looked so hard at the paper that I was inclined to offer it to him for
+his perusal, but repressed the mischievous inclination, and read on
+demurely.
+
+This first copy of the paper with which I was to be so closely connected
+bore date July 19th, 1874, and contained two long letters from a Mr.
+Arnold of Northampton, attacking Mr. Bradlaugh, and a brief and
+singularly self-restrained answer from the latter. There was also an
+article on the National Secular Society, which made me aware that there
+was an organisation devoted to the propagandism of Free Thought. I felt
+that if such a society existed, I ought to belong to it, and I
+consequently wrote a short note to the editor of the _National Reformer_,
+asking whether it was necessary for a person to profess Atheism before
+being admitted to the Society. The answer appeared in the _National
+Reformer_:--
+
+"S.E.--To be a member of the National Secular Society it is only
+necessary to be able honestly to accept the four principles, as given in
+the _National Reformer_ of June 14th. This any person may do without
+being required to avow himself an Atheist. Candidly, we can see no
+logical resting-place between the entire acceptance of authority, as in
+the Roman Catholic Church, and the most extreme nationalism. If, on again
+looking to the Principles of the Society, you can accept them, we repeat
+to you our invitation."
+
+I sent my name in as an active member, and find it recorded in the
+_National Reformer_ of August 9th. Having received an intimation that
+Londoners could receive their certificates at the Hall of Science from
+Mr. Bradlaugh on any Sunday evening, I betook myself thither, and it was
+on the 2nd August, 1874, that I first set foot in a Freethought hall.
+
+As I sat, much crushed, surveying the crowded audience with much interest
+and longing to know which were members of the brotherhood I had entered,
+a sudden roar of cheering startled me. I saw a tall figure passing
+swiftly along and mounting the stairs, and the roar deepened and swelled
+as he made a slight acknowledgment of the greeting and sat down. I
+remember well my sensations as I looked at Charles Bradlaugh for the
+first time. The grave, quiet, _strong_ look, as he sat facing the crowd,
+impressed me strangely, and most of all was I surprised at the breadth of
+forehead, the massive head, of the man I had heard described as a mere
+ignorant demagogue.
+
+The lecture was on "The ancestry and birth of Jesus", and was largely
+devoted to tracing the resemblance between the Christ and Krishna myths.
+As this ground was well-known to me, I was able to judge of the
+lecturer's accuracy, and quickly found that his knowledge was as sound as
+his language was splendid. I had never before heard eloquence, sarcasm,
+fire, and passion brought to bear on the Christian superstition, nor had
+I ever before felt the sway of the orator, nor the power that dwells in
+spoken words.
+
+After the lecture, Mr. Bradlaugh came down the Hall with some
+certificates of membership of the National Secular Society in his hand,
+and glancing round for their claimants caught, I suppose, some look of
+expectancy in my face, for he paused and handed me mine, with a
+questioning, "Mrs. Besant?". Then he said that if I had any doubt at all
+on the subject of Atheism, he would willingly discuss it with me, if I
+would write making an appointment for that purpose. I made up my mind to
+take advantage of the opportunity, and a day or two later saw me walking
+down Commercial Road, looking for Turner Street.
+
+My first conversation with Mr. Bradlaugh was brief, direct, and
+satisfactory. We found that there was little real difference between our
+theological views, and my dislike of the name "Atheist" arose from my
+sharing in the vulgar error that the Atheist asserted, "There is no God".
+This error I corrected in the draft of my essay, by inserting a few
+passages from pamphlets written by acknowledged Atheists, to which Mr.
+Bradlaugh drew my attention; with this exception the essay remained as it
+was sketched, being described by Mr. Bradlaugh as "a very good Atheistic
+essay", a criticism which ended with the smiling comment: "You have
+thought yourself into Atheism without knowing it."
+
+Very wise were some of the suggestions made: "You should never say you
+have an opinion on a subject until you have tried to study the strongest
+things said against the view to which you are inclined". "You must not
+think you know a subject until you are acquainted with all that the best
+minds have said about it." "No steady work can be done in public unless
+the worker study at home far more than he talks outside." And let me say
+here that among the many things for which I have to thank Mr. Bradlaugh,
+there is none for which I owe him more gratitude than for the fashion in
+which he has constantly urged the duty of all who stand forward as
+teachers to study deeply every subject they touch, and the impetus he has
+given to my own love of knowledge by the constant spur of criticism and
+of challenge, criticism of every weak statement, challenge of every
+hastily-expressed view. It will be a good thing for the world when a
+friendship between a man and a woman no longer means protective
+condescension on one side and helpless dependence on the other, but when
+they meet on equal ground of intellectual sympathy, discussing,
+criticising, studying, and so aiding the evolution of stronger and
+clearer thought-ability in each.
+
+A few days after our first discussion, Mr. Bradlaugh offered me a place
+on the staff of the _National Reformer_ at a small weekly salary; and my
+first contribution appeared in the number for August 30th, over the
+signature of "Ajax"; I was obliged to use a _nom de guerre_ at first, for
+the work I was doing for Mr. Scott would have been injured had my name
+appeared in the columns of the terrible _National Reformer_, and until
+the work commenced and paid for was concluded I did not feel at liberty
+to use my own name. Later, I signed my _National Reformer_ articles, and
+the tracts written for Mr. Scott appeared anonymously.
+
+The name was suggested by the famous statue of "Ajax crying for light", a
+cast of which stands in the centre walk of the Crystal Palace. The cry
+through the darkness for light, even if light brought destruction, was
+one that awoke the keenest sympathy of response from my heart:
+
+  "If our fate be death,
+  Give light, and let us die!"
+
+To see, to know, to understand, even though the seeing blind, though the
+knowledge sadden, though the understanding shatter the dearest hopes,
+such has ever been the craving of the upward-striving mind of man. Some
+regard it as a weakness, as a folly, but I am sure that it exists most
+strongly in some of the noblest of our race; that from the lips of those
+who have done most in lifting the burden of ignorance from the
+overstrained and bowed shoulders of a stumbling world has gone out most
+often into the empty darkness the pleading, impassioned cry :--
+
+"Give light."
+
+
+
+XII.
+
+
+My first lecture was delivered at the Co-operative Society's Hall, 55,
+Castle Street, on August 25, 1873. Twice before this, I had ventured to
+raise my voice in discussion, once at a garden-party at which I was
+invited to join in a brief informal debate, and discovered that words
+came readily and smoothly, and the second time at the Liberal Social
+Union, in a discussion on a paper read by a member--I forget by whom--
+dealing with the opening of Museums and Art Galleries on Sunday.
+
+My membership of that same "Liberal" Social Union was not, by the way, of
+very long duration. A discussion arose, one night, on the admissibility
+of Atheists to the society. Dr. Zerffi declared that he would not remain
+a member if avowed Atheists were admitted. I declared that I was an
+Atheist, and that the basis of the Union was liberty. The result was that
+I found myself coldshouldered, and those who had been warmly cordial to
+me as a Theist looked askance at me after I had avowed that my scepticism
+had advanced beyond their "limits of religious thought". The Liberal
+Social Union knew me no more, but in the wider field of work open before
+me the narrowmindedness of this petty clique troubled me not at all.
+
+To return from this digression to my first essay in lecturing work. An
+invitation to read a paper before the Co-operative Society came to me
+from Mr. Greenwood, who was, I believe, the Secretary, and as the subject
+was left to my own choice, I determined that my first public attempt at
+speech should be on behalf of my own sex, and selected for it, "The
+Political Status of Women". With much fear and trembling was that paper
+written, and it was a very nervous person who presented herself at the
+Co-operative Hall. When a visit to the dentist is made, and one stands on
+the steps outside, desiring to run away ere the neat little boy in
+buttons opens the door and beams on one with a smile of compassionate
+contempt and implike triumph, then the world seems dark and life is as a
+huge blunder. But all such feelings are poor and weak when compared with
+the sinking of the heart, and the trembling of the knees, which, seize
+upon the unhappy lecturer as he advances towards his first audience, and
+as before his eyes rises a ghastly vision of a tongue-tied would-be
+speaker facing rows of listening faces, listening to--silence.
+
+All this miserable feeling, however, disappeared the moment I rose to my
+feet and looked at the faces before me. No tremor of nervousness touched
+me from the first word to the last. And a similar experience has been
+mine ever since. I am still always nervous before a lecture, and feel
+miserable and ill-assured, but, once on my feet, I am at my ease, and not
+once on the platform after the lecture has commenced have I experienced
+the painful feeling of hesitancy and "fear of the sound of my own voice"
+of which I have often heard people speak.
+
+The death of Mr. Charles Gilpin in September left vacant one of the seats
+for Northampton, and Mr. Bradlaugh at once announced his intention of
+again presenting himself to the constituency as a candidate. He had at
+first stood for the borough in 1868, and had received 1086 votes; on
+February 5th, 1874, he received 1653 votes, and of these 1060 were
+plumpers; the other candidates were Messrs. Merewether, Phipps, Gilpin,
+and Lord Henley; Mr. Merewether had 12 plumpers; Mr. Phipps, 113; Mr.
+Gilpin, 64; Lord Henley, 21. Thus signs were already seen of the compact
+and personally loyal following which was to win the seat for its chief in
+1880, after twelve years of steady struggle. In 1868, Mr. John Stuart
+Mill had strongly supported Mr. Bradlaugh's candidature, and had sent a
+donation to his election fund. Mr. Mill wrote in his Autobiography (pp.
+311,312):
+
+"He had the support of the working classes; having heard him speak I knew
+him to be a man of ability, and he had proved that he was the reverse of
+a demagogue by placing himself in strong opposition to the prevailing
+opinion of the Democratic party on two such important subjects as
+Malthusianism. and Personal Representation. Men of this sort, who, while
+sharing the democratic feelings of the working classes, judge political
+questions for themselves, and have courage to assert their individual
+convictions against popular opposition, were needed, as it seemed to me,
+in Parliament; and I did not think that Mr. Bradlaugh's anti-religious
+opinions (even though he had been intemperate in the expression of them)
+ought to exclude him."
+
+When the election was over, and after Mr. Mill had himself been beaten at
+Westminster, he wrote, referring to his donation: "It was the right thing
+to do, and if the election were yet to take place, I would do it again".
+The election in February, 1874 took place while Mr. Bradlaugh was away in
+America, and this second one in the same year took place on the eve of
+his departure on another American lecturing tour.
+
+I went down to Northampton to report electioneering incidents for the
+_National Reformer_, and spent some days there in the whirl of the
+struggle. The Whig party was more bitter against Mr. Bradlaugh than was
+the Tory, and every weapon that could be forged out of slander and
+falsehood was used against him by "Liberals", who employed their
+Christianity as an electioneering dodge to injure a man whose sturdy
+Radicalism they feared. Over and over again Mr. Bradlaugh was told that
+he was an "impossible candidate", and gibe and sneer and scoff were flung
+at the man who had neither ancestors nor wealth to recommend him, who
+fought his battle with his brain and his tongue, and whose election
+expenses were paid by hundreds of contributions from poor men and women
+in every part of the land. Strenuous efforts were made to procure a
+"Liberal" candidate, who should be able at least to prevent Mr.
+Bradlaugh's return by obtaining the votes of the Liberal as against the
+Radical party. Messrs. Bell and James and Dr. Pearce came on the scene
+only to disappear. Mr. Jacob Bright and Mr. Arthur Arnold were suggested.
+Mr. Ayrton's name was whispered. Major Lumley was recommended by Mr.
+Bernal Osborne. Dr. Kenealy proclaimed himself ready to rescue the
+Liberal party in their dire strait. Mr. Tillet of Norwich, Mr. Cox of
+Belper, were invited, but neither of these would consent to oppose a
+sound Radical, who had fought two elections at Northampton and who had
+been before the constituency for six years. At last Mr. William Fowler, a
+banker, was invited, and accepted the task of handing over the
+representation of a Radical borough to a Tory.
+
+October 6th was fixed as the election day, and at 7.30 on that day Mr.
+Merewether, the Tory, was declared elected with 2,171 votes. Mr.
+Bradlaugh polled 1,766, having added another 133 voters to those who had
+polled for him in the previous February.
+
+The violent abuse levelled against Mr. Bradlaugh by the Whigs, and the
+foul and wicked slanders circulated against him, had angered almost to
+madness those who knew and loved him, and when it was found that the
+unscrupulous Whig devices had succeeded in turning the election against
+him, the fury broke out into open violence. As Mr. Bradlaugh was sitting
+well-nigh exhausted in the hotel, the landlord rushed in, crying to him
+to go out and try to stop the people, or there would be murder done at
+the "Palmerston", Mr. Fowler's head-quarters; the crowd was charging the
+door, and the windows were being broken, with showers of stones. Weary as
+he was, Mr. Bradlaugh sprang to his feet and swiftly made his way to the
+rescue of those who had defeated him. Flinging himself before the door,
+he drove the crowd back, scolded them into quietness and dispersed them.
+But at nine o'clock he had to leave the town to catch the mail for
+Queenstown, where he was to join the steamer for America, and after he
+had left, the riot he had quelled broke out afresh. The soldiers were
+called out, the Riot Act was read, stones flew freely, heads and windows
+were broken, but no very serious harm was done. The "Palmerston" and the
+printing office of the _Mercury_, the Whig organ, were the principal
+sufferers, windows and doors vanishing somewhat completely.
+
+In this same month of October I find I noted in the _National Reformer_
+that it was rumored "that on hearing that the Prince of Wales had
+succeeded the Earl of Ripon as Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of
+England, Mr. Bradlaugh immediately sent in his resignation". "The
+report", I added demurely, "seems likely to be a true one". I had not
+much doubt of the fact, having seen the cancelled certificate.
+
+My second lecture was delivered on September 27th, during the election
+struggle, at Mr. Moncure D. Conway's Chapel in St. Paul's Road, Camden
+Town, and was on "The true basis of morality.". The lecture was
+re-delivered a few weeks later at a Unitarian chapel, where the minister
+was the Rev. Peter Dean, and gave, I was afterwards told, great offence
+to some of the congregation, especially to Miss Frances Power Cobbe, who
+declared that she would have left the chapel had not the speaker been a
+woman. The ground of complaint was that the suggested "basis" was
+Utilitarian and human instead of Intuitional and Theistic. Published as a
+pamphlet, the lecture has reached its seventh thousand.
+
+In October I had a severe attack of congestion of the lungs, and soon
+after my recovery I left Norwood to settle in London. I found that my
+work required that I should be nearer head-quarters, and I arranged to
+rent part of a house--19, Westbourne Park Terrace, Bayswater--two lady
+friends taking the remainder. The arrangement proved a very comfortable
+one, and it continued until my improved means enabled me, in 1876, to
+take a house of my own.
+
+In January, 1875, I made up my mind to lecture regularly, and in the
+_National Reformer_ for January 17th I find the announcement that "Mrs.
+Annie Besant (Ajax) will lecture at South Place Chapel, Finsbury, on
+'Civil and religious liberty'", Mr. Conway took the chair at this first
+identification of "Ajax" with myself, and sent a very kindly notice of
+the lecture to the _Cincinnati Commercial_. Mr. Charles Watts wrote a
+report in the _National Reformer_ of January 24th. Dr. Maurice Davies
+also wrote a very favorable article in a London journal, but
+unfortunately he knew Mr. Walter Besant, who persuaded him to suppress my
+name, so that although the notice appeared it did me no service. My
+struggle to gain my livelihood was for some time rendered considerably
+more difficult by this kind of ungenerous and underhand antagonism. A
+woman's road to the earning of her own living, especially when she is
+weighted with the care of a young child, is always fairly thorny at the
+outset, and does not need to be rendered yet more difficult by secret
+attempts to injure, on the part of those who trust that suffering and
+poverty may avail to bend pride to submission.
+
+My next lecture was given in the Theatre Royal, Northampton, and in the
+_National Reformer_ of February 14th appears for the first time my list
+of lecturing engagements, so that in February next I shall complete my
+first decade of lecturing for the Freethought and Republican Cause.
+Never, since first I stood on the Freethought platform, have I felt one
+hour's regret for the resolution taken in solitude in January, 1875, to
+devote to that sacred Cause every power of brain and tongue that I
+possessed. Not lightly was that resolution taken, for I know no task of
+weightier responsibility than that of standing forth as teacher, and
+swaying thousands of hearers year after year. But I pledged my word then
+to the Cause I loved that no effort on my part should be wanting to
+render myself worthy of the privilege of service which I took; that I
+would read, and study, and would train every faculty that I had; that I
+would polish my language, discipline my thought, widen my knowledge; and
+this, at least, I may say, that if I have written and spoken much I have
+studied and thought more, and that at least I have not given to my
+mistress, Liberty, that "which hath cost me nothing".
+
+A queer incident occurred on February 17th. I had been invited by the
+Dialectical Society to read a paper, and selected for subject "The
+existence of God". The Dialectical Society had for some years held their
+meetings in a room in Adam Street rented from the Social Science
+Association. When the members gathered as usual on this 17th February,
+the door was found closed, and they were informed that Ajax's paper had
+been too much for the Social Science nerves, and that entrance to the
+ordinary meeting-place was henceforth denied. We found refuge in the
+Charing Cross Hotel, where we speculated merrily on the eccentricities of
+religious charity.
+
+On February 12th, I started on my first lecturing tour in the provinces.
+After lecturing at Birkenhead on the evening of that day, I started by
+the night mail for Glasgow. Some races--dog races, I think--had been
+going on, and very unpleasant were many of the passengers waiting on the
+platform. Some Birkenhead friends had secured me a compartment, and
+watched over me till the train began to move. Then, after we had fairly
+started, the door was flung open by a porter and a man was thrust in who
+half tumbled on to the seat. As he slowly recovered, he stood up, and as
+his money rolled out of his hand on to the floor and he gazed vaguely at
+it, I saw, to my horror, that he was drunk. The position was pleasant,
+for the train was an express and was not timed to stop for a considerable
+time. My odious fellow-passenger spent some time on the floor hunting for
+his scattered coins. Then he slowly gathered himself up, and presently
+became conscious of my presence. He studied me for some time and then
+proposed to shut the window. I assented quietly, not wanting to discuss a
+trifle, and feeling in deadly terror. Alone at night in an express, with
+a man not drunk enough to be helpless but too drunk to be controlled.
+Never, before or since, have I felt so thoroughly frightened, but I sat
+there quiet and unmoved, only grasping a penknife in my pocket, with a
+desperate resolve to use my feeble weapon as soon as the need arose. The
+man had risen again to his feet and had come over to me, when a jarring
+noise was heard and the train began to slacken.
+
+"What is that?" stammered my drunken companion.
+
+"They are putting on the brakes to stop the train," I said very slowly
+and distinctly, though a very passion of relief made it hard to say
+quietly the measured words.
+
+The man sat down stupidly, staring at me, and in a minute or two more the
+train pulled up at a station. It had been stopped by signal. In a moment
+I was at the window, calling the guard. I rapidly explained to him that I
+was travelling alone, that a half-drunken man was with me, and I begged
+him to put me into another carriage. With the usual kindliness of a
+railway official, the guard at once moved my baggage and myself into an
+empty compartment, into which he locked me, and he kept a friendly watch
+over me at every station at which we stopped until he landed me safely at
+Glasgow.
+
+At Glasgow a room had been taken for me at a Temperance Hotel, and it
+seemed to me a new and lonely sort of thing to be "on my own account" in
+a strange city in a strange hotel. By the way, why are Temperance Hotels
+so often lacking in cleanliness? Surely abstinence from wine and
+superfluity of "matter in the wrong place" need not necessarily be
+correlated in hotel-life, and yet my experience leads me to look for the
+twain together. Here and there I have been to Temperance Hotels in which
+water is used for other purposes than that of drinking, but these are, I
+regret to say, the exceptions to a melancholy rule.
+
+From Glasgow I went north to Aberdeen, and from Aberdeen home again to
+London. A long weary journey that was, in a third-class carriage in the
+cold month of February, but the labor had in it a joy that outpaid all
+physical discomfort, and the feeling that I had found my work in the
+world gave a new happiness to my life.
+
+I reported my doings to the chief of our party in America, and found them
+only half approved. "You should have waited till I returned, and at least
+I could have saved you some discomforts," he wrote; but the discomforts
+troubled me little, and I think I rather preferred the independent launch
+out into lecturing work, trusting only to my own courage and ability to
+win my way. So far as health was concerned, the lecturing acted as a
+tonic. My chest had always been a little delicate, and when I consulted a
+doctor on the possibility of my lecturing he answered: "It will either
+kill you or cure you". It has entirely cured the lung weakness, and I
+have grown strong and vigorous instead of being frail and delicate as of
+old.
+
+On February 28th I delivered my first lecture at the Hall of Science,
+London, and was received with that warmth of greeting which Freethinkers
+are ever willing to extend to one who sacrifices aught to join their
+ranks. From that day to this that hearty welcome at our central London
+hall has never failed me, and the love and courage wherewith Freethinkers
+have ever stood by me have overpaid a thousandfold any poor services I
+have been fortunate enough to render to the common cause.
+
+It would be wearisome to go step by step over the ten years' journeys and
+lectures; I will only select, here and there, incidents illustrative of
+the whole.
+
+Some folk say that the lives of Freethought lecturers are easy, and that
+their lecturing tours are lucrative in the extreme. On one occasion I
+spent eight days in the north lecturing daily, with three lectures on the
+two Sundays, and made a deficit of 11s. on the journey! I do not pretend
+that such a thing would happen now, but I fancy that every Freethought
+lecturer could tell of a similar experience in the early days of "winning
+his way".
+
+There is no better field for Freethought and Radical work than
+Northumberland and Durham; the miners there are as a rule shrewd and
+hard-headed men, and very cordial is the greeting given by them to those
+whom they have reason to trust. At Seghill and at Bedlington I have slept
+in their cottages and have been welcomed to their tables, and I remember
+one evening at Seghill, after a lecture, that my host invited about a
+dozen miners to supper to meet me; the talk ran on politics, and I soon
+found that my companions knew more of English politics and had a far
+shrewder notion of political methods than I had found among the ordinary
+"diners-out" in "society". They were of the "uneducated" class despised
+by "gentlemen" and had not the vote, but politically they were far better
+educated than their social superiors, and were far better fitted to
+discharge the duties of citizenship.
+
+On May 16th I attended, for the first time, the Annual Conference called
+by the National Secular Society. It was held at Manchester, in the
+Society's rooms in Grosvenor Street, and it is interesting and
+encouraging to note how the Society has grown and strengthened since that
+small meeting held nearly ten years ago. Mr. Bradlaugh was elected
+President; Messrs. A. Trevelyan, T. Slater, C. Watts, C.C. Cattell, R.A.
+Cooper, P.A.V. Le Lubez, N. Ridgway, G.W. Foote, G.H. Reddalls, and Mrs.
+Besant Vice Presidents. Messrs. Watts and Standring were elected as
+Secretary and Assistant-Secretary--both offices were then honorary, for
+the Society was too poor to pay the holders--and Mr. Le Lubez Treasurer.
+The result of the Conference was soon seen in the energy infused into the
+Freethought propaganda, and from that time to this the Society has
+increased in numbers and in influence, until that which was scarcely more
+than a skeleton has become a living power in the land on the side of all
+social and political reforms. The Council for 1875 consisted of but
+thirty-nine members, including President, Vice-Presidents, and Secretary,
+and of these only nine were available as a Central Executive. Let
+Freethinkers compare this meagre list with the present, and then let them
+"thank" man "and take courage".
+
+Lecturing at Leicester in June, I came for the first time across a
+falsehood of which I have since heard plenty. An irate Christian declared
+that I was responsible for a book entitled the "Elements of Social
+Science", which was, he averred, the "Bible of Secularists". I had never
+heard of the book, but as he insisted that it was in favor of the
+abolition of marriage, and that Mr. Bradlaugh agreed with it, I promptly
+contradicted him, knowing that Mr. Bradlaugh's views on marriage were
+conservative rather than revolutionary. On enquiry afterwards I found
+that the book in question had been written some years before by a Doctor
+of Medicine, and had been sent for review by its publisher to the
+_National Reformer_ among other papers. I found further that it consisted
+of three parts; the first dealt with the sexual relation, and advocated,
+from the standpoint of an experienced medical man, what is roughly known
+as "free love"; the second was entirely medical, dealing with diseases;
+the third consisted of a very clear and able exposition of the law of
+population as laid down by Malthus, and insisted--as John Stuart Mill had
+done--that it was the duty of married persons to voluntarily limit their
+families within their means of subsistence. Mr. Bradlaugh, in the
+_National Reformer_, in reviewing the book, stated that it was written
+"with honest and pure intent and purpose", and recommended to working men
+the exposition of the law of population. Because he did this Christians
+and Tories who desire to injure him still insist that he shares the
+author's views on sexual relations, and despite his reiterated
+contradictions, they quote detached pieces of the work, speaking against
+marriage, as containing his views. Anything more meanly vile and
+dishonest than this it would be difficult to imagine, yet such are the
+weapons used against Atheists in a Christian country. Unable to find in
+Mr. Bradlaugh's own writings anything to serve their purpose, they take
+isolated passages from a book he neither wrote nor published, but once
+reviewed with a recommendation of a part of it which says nothing against
+marriage.
+
+That the book is a remarkable one and deserves to be read has been
+acknowledged on all hands. Personally, I cordially dislike a large part
+of it, and dissent utterly from its views on the marital relation, but
+none the less I feel sure that the writer is an honest, good, and right
+meaning man. In the _Reasoner_, edited by Mr. George Jacob Holyoake, I
+find warmer praise of it than in the _National Reformer_; in the review
+the following passage appears:--
+
+"In some respects all books of this class are evils: but it would be
+weakness and criminal prudery--a prudery as criminal as vice itself--not
+to say that such a book as the one in question is not only a far lesser
+evil than the one that it combats, but in one sense a book which it is a
+mercy to issue and courage to publish."
+
+The _Examiner_, reviewing the same book, declared it to be
+
+"A very valuable, though rather heterogeneous book.... This is, we
+believe, the only book that has fully, honestly, and in a scientific
+spirit recognised all the elements in the problem--How are mankind to
+triumph over poverty, with its train of attendant evils?--and fearlessly
+endeavored to find a practical solution."
+
+The _British Journal of Homæopathy_ wrote:
+
+"Though quite out of the province of our journal, we cannot refrain from
+stating that this work is unquestionably the most remarkable one, in many
+respects, we have ever met with. Though we differ _toto coelo_ from the
+author in his views of religion and morality, and hold some of his
+remedies to tend rather to a dissolution than a reconstruction of
+society, yet we are bound to admit the benevolence and philanthropy of
+his motives. The scope of the work is nothing less than the whole field
+of political economy."
+
+Ernest Jones and others wrote yet more strongly, but out of all these
+Charles Bradlaugh alone has been selected for reproach, and has had the
+peculiar views of the anonymous author fathered on himself. Why? The
+reason is not far to seek. None of the other writers are active Radical
+politicians, dangerous to the luxurious idleness of the non-producing but
+all-consuming "upper classes" of society. These know how easy it is to
+raise social prejudice against a man by setting afloat the idea that he
+desires to "abolish marriage and the home". It is the most convenient
+poniard and the one most certain to wound. Therefore those whose
+profligacy is notorious, who welcome into their society the Blandfords,
+Aylesburys, and St. Leonards, rave against a man as a "destroyer of
+marriage" whose life is pure, and whose theories on this, as it happens,
+are "orthodox", merely because his honest Atheism shames their
+hypocritical professions, and his sturdy Republicanism menaces their
+corrupt and rotting society.
+
+
+
+XIII.
+
+
+Sometimes my lecturing experiences were not of the smoothest. In June,
+1875, I visited Darwen in Lancashire, and found that stone-throwing was
+considered a fair argument to be addressed to "the Atheist lecturer". On
+my last visit to that place in May, 1884, large and enthusiastic
+audiences attended the lectures, and not a sign of hostility was to be
+seen outside the hall. At Swansea, in March, 1876, the fear of violence
+was so great that no local friend had the courage to take the chair for
+me (a guarantee against damage to the hall had been exacted by the
+proprietor). I had to march on to the platform in solitary state,
+introduce myself, and proceed with my lecture. If violence had been
+intended, none was offered: it would have needed much brutality to charge
+on to a platform occupied by a solitary woman. (By the way, those who
+fancy that a lecturer's life is a luxurious one may note that the Swansea
+lecture spoken of was one of a series of ten, delivered within eight days
+at Wednesbury, Bilston, Kidderminster, Swansea, and Bristol, most of the
+travelling being performed through storm, rain, and snow.) On September,
+4th, 1876, I had rather a lively time at Hoyland, a village near
+Barnsley. A Mr. Hebblethwaite, a Primitive Methodist minister, "prepared
+the way of the" Atheist by pouring out virulent abuse on Atheism in
+general, and this Atheist in particular; two Protestant missionaries
+aided him vigorously, exhorting the pious Christians to "sweep
+Secularists out". The result was a very fair row; I got through the
+lecture, despite many interruptions, but when it was over a regular riot
+ensued; the enraged Christians shook their fists at me, swore at me, and
+finally took to kicking as I passed out to the cab; only one kick,
+however, reached me, and the attempts to overturn the cab were foiled by
+the driver, who put his horse at a gallop. A somewhat barbarous village,
+that same village of Hoyland. Congleton proved even livelier on September
+25th and 26th. Mr. Bradlaugh lectured there on September 25th to an
+accompaniment of broken windows; I was sitting with Mrs. Wolstenholme
+Elmy in front of the platform, and received a rather heavy blow at the
+back of the head from a stone thrown by someone in the room. We had a
+mile and a half to walk from the hall to Mrs. Elmy's house, and this was
+done in the company of a mud-throwing crowd, who yelled curses, hymns,
+and foul words with delightful impartiality. On the following evening I
+was to lecture, and we were escorted to the hall by a stone-throwing
+crowd; while I was lecturing a man shouted "Put her out!" and a
+well-known wrestler of the neighborhood, named Burbery, who had come to
+the hall with seven friends, stood up in the front row and loudly
+interrupted. Mr. Bradlaugh, who was in the chair, told him to sit down,
+and as he persisted in making a noise, informed him that he must either
+be quiet or go out. "Put me out!" said Burbery, striking an attitude. Mr.
+Bradlaugh left the platform and walked up to the noisy swashbuckler, who
+at once grappled with him and tried to throw him; but Mr. Burbery had not
+reckoned on his opponent's strength, and when the "throw" was complete
+Mr. Burbery was underneath. Amid much excitement Mr. Burbery was
+propelled to the door, where he was handed over to the police, and the
+chairman resumed his seat and said "Go on", whereupon on I went and
+finished the lecture. There was plenty more stone-throwing outside, and
+Mrs. Elmy received a cut on the temple, but no serious harm was done--
+except to Christianity.
+
+In the summer of 1875 a strong protest was made by the working classes
+against the grant of £142,000 for the Prince of Wales visit to India, and
+on Sunday, July 18th, I saw for the first time one of the famous "Hyde
+Park Demonstrations". Mr. Bradlaugh called a meeting to support Messrs.
+Taylor, Macdonald, Wilfrid Lawson, Burt, and the other fourteen members
+of the House of Commons who voted in opposition to the grant, and to
+protest against burdening the workers to provide for the amusement of a
+spendthrift prince. I did not go into the meeting, but, with Mr.
+Bradlaugh's two daughters, hovered on the outskirts. A woman is
+considerably in the way in such a gathering, unless the speakers reach
+the platform in carriages, for she is physically unfitted to push her way
+through the dense mass of people, and has therefore to be looked after
+and saved from the crushing pressure of the crowd. I have always thought
+that a man responsible for the order of such huge gatherings ought not to
+be burdened in addition with the responsibility of protecting his female
+friends, and have therefore preferred to take care of myself outside the
+meetings both at Hyde Park and in Trafalgar Square. The method of
+organisation by which the London Radicals have succeeded in holding
+perfectly orderly meetings of enormous size is simple but effective. A
+large number of "marshals" volunteer, and each of these hands in to Mr.
+Bradlaugh a list of the "stewards" he is prepared to bring; the
+"marshals" and "stewards" alike are members of the Radical and Secular
+associations of the metropolis. These officials all wear badges, a
+rosette of the Northampton election colors; directions are given to the
+marshals by Mr. Bradlaugh himself, and each marshal, with his stewards,
+turns up at the appointed place at the appointed time, and does the share
+of the work allotted to him. A ring two or three deep is formed round the
+place whence the speakers are to address the meeting, and those who form
+the ring stand linked arm-in-arm, making a living barrier round this
+empty spot. There a platform, brought thither in pieces, is screwed
+together, and into this enclosure only the chosen speakers and newspaper
+reporters are admitted. The marshals and stewards who are not told off
+for guarding the platform are distributed over the ground which the
+meeting is to occupy, and act as guardians of order.
+
+The Hyde Park meeting against the royal grant was a thoroughly successful
+one, and a large number of protests came up from all parts of the
+country. Being from the poorer classes, they were of course disregarded,
+but none the less was a strong agitation against royal grants carried on
+throughout the autumn and winter months. The National Secular Society
+determined to gather signatures to a "monster petition against royal
+grants", and the superintendence of this was placed in my hands. The
+petition was drafted by Mr. Bradlaugh, and ran as follows:--
+
+"TO THE HONORABLE THE COMMONS OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND, IN PARLIAMENT
+ASSEMBLED.
+
+"The humble petition of the undersigned,
+
+"Prays,--That no further grant or allowance may be made to any member of
+the Royal Family until an account shall have been laid before your
+Honorable House, showing the total real and personal estates and incomes
+of each and every member of the said Royal Family who shall be in receipt
+of any pension or allowance, and also showing all posts and places of
+profit severally held by members of the said Royal Family, and also
+showing all pensions, if any, formerly charged on any estates now enjoyed
+by any member or members of the said Royal Family, and in case any such
+pensions shall have been transferred, showing how and at what date such
+transfer took place."
+
+Day after day, week after week, month after month, the postman delivered
+rolls of paper, little and big, each roll containing names and addresses
+of men and woman who protested against the waste of public money on our
+greedy and never-satisfied Royal House. The sheets often bore the marks
+of the places to which they had been carried; from a mining district some
+would come coal-dust-blackened, which had been signed in the mines by
+workers who grudged to idleness the fruits of toil; from an agricultural
+district the sheets bore often far too many "crosses", the "marks" of
+those whom Church and landlord had left in ignorance, regarding them only
+as machines for sowing and reaping. From September, 1875, to March, 1876,
+they came in steady stream, and each was added to the ever-lengthening
+roll which lay in one corner of my sitting-room and which assumed ever
+larger and larger proportions. At last the work was over, and on June
+16th, 1876, the "monster"--rolled on a mahogany pole presented by a
+London friend, and encased in American cloth--was placed in a carriage to
+be conveyed to the House of Commons; the heading ran: "The petition of
+the undersigned Charles Bradlaugh, Annie Besant, Charles Watts, and
+102,934 others". Unrolled, it was nearly a mile in length, and a very
+happy time we had in rolling the last few hundred yards. When we arrived
+at the House, Mr. Bradlaugh and Mr. Watts carried the petition up
+Westminster Hall, each holding one end of the mahogany pole. Messrs. Burt
+and Macdonald took charge of the "monster" at the door of the House, and,
+carrying it in, presented it in due form. The presentation caused
+considerable excitement both in the House and in the press, and the
+_Newcastle Daily Chronicle_ said some kindly words of the "labor and
+enthusiasm" bestowed on the petition by myself.
+
+At the beginning of August, 1875, the first attempt to deprive me of my
+little daughter, Mabel, was made, but fortunately proved unsuccessful.
+The story of the trick played is told in the _National Reformer_ of
+August 22nd, and I quote it just as it appeared there :--
+
+"PERSONAL.--Mrs. Annie Besant, as some of our readers are aware, was the
+wife of a Church of England clergyman, the Rev. Frank Besant, Vicar of
+Sibsey, near Boston, in Lincolnshire. There is no need, _at present_, to
+say anything about the earlier portion of her married life; but when Mrs.
+Besant's opinions on religious matters became liberal, the conduct of her
+husband rendered a separation absolutely necessary, and in 1873 a formal
+deed of separation was drawn up, and duly executed. Under this deed Mrs.
+Besant is entitled to the sole custody and control of her infant daughter
+Mabel until the child becomes of age, with the proviso that the little
+girl is to visit her father for one month in each year. Having recently
+obtained possession of the person of the little child under cover of the
+annual visit, the Rev. Mr. Besant sought to deprive Mrs. Besant entirely
+of her daughter, on the ground of Mrs. Besant's Atheism. Vigorous steps
+were at once taken by Messrs. Lewis and Lewis (to whom our readers will
+remember we entrusted the case of Mr. Lennard against Mr. Woolrych), by
+whose advice Mrs. Besant at once went down herself to Sibsey to demand
+the child; the little girl had been hidden, and was not at the Vicarage,
+but we are glad to report that Mrs. Besant has, after some little
+difficulty, recovered the custody of her daughter. It was decided against
+Percy Bysshe Shelley that an Atheist father could not be the guardian of
+his own children. If this law be appealed to, and anyone dares to enforce
+it, we shall contest it step by step; and while we are out of England, we
+know that in case of any attempt to retake the child by force we may
+safely leave our new advocate to the protection of the stout arms of our
+friends, who will see that no injustice of this kind is done her. So far
+as the law courts are concerned, we have the most complete confidence in
+Mr. George Henry Lewis, and we shall fight the case to House of Lords if
+need be.
+
+CHARLES BRADLAUGH."
+
+The attempt to take the child from me by force indeed failed, but later
+the theft was successfully carried out by due process of law. It is
+always a blunder from a tactical point of view for a Christian to use
+methods of illegal violence in persecuting an Atheist in this Christian
+land; legal violence is a far safer weapon, for courage can checkmate the
+first, while it is helpless before the second. All Christians who adopt
+the sound old principle that "no faith need be kept with the heretic"
+should remember that they can always guard themselves against unpleasant
+consequences by breaking faith under cover of the laws against heresy,
+which still remain on our Statute Book _ad majorem Dei gloriam_.
+
+In September, 1875, Mr. Bradlaugh again sailed for America, leaving
+plenty of work to be done by his colleagues before he returned. The
+Executive of the National Secular Society had determined to issue a
+"Secular Song Book", and the task of selection and of editing was
+confided to me. The little book was duly issued, and ran through two
+editions; then, feeling that it was marred by many sins both of
+commission and omission, I set my face against the publication of a third
+edition, hoping that a compilation more worthy of Free Thought might be
+made. I am half inclined to take the matter up again, and set to work at
+a fresh collection.
+
+The delivery and publication of a course of six lectures on the early
+part of the French Revolution was another portion of that autumn's work;
+they involved a large amount of labor, as I had determined to tell the
+story from the people's point of view, and was therefore compelled to
+read a large amount of the current literature of the time, as well as the
+great standard histories of Louis Blanc, Michelet, and others.
+Fortunately for me, Mr. Bradlaugh had a splendid collection of works on
+the subject, and before he left England he brought to me two cabs full of
+books, French and English, from all points of view, aristocratic,
+ecclesiastical, democratic, and I studied these diligently and
+impartially until the French Revolution became to me as a drama in which
+I had myself taken part, and the actors therein became personal friends
+and foes. In this, again, as in so much of my public work, I have to
+thank Mr. Bradlaugh for the influence which led me to read fully all
+sides of a question, and to read most carefully those from which I
+differed most, ere I judged myself competent to write or to speak
+thereon.
+
+The late autumn was clouded by the news of Mr. Bradlaugh's serious
+illness in America. After struggling for some time against ill-health he
+was struck down by an attack of pleurisy, to which soon was added typhoid
+fever, and for a time lay at the brink of the grave. Dr. Otis, his able
+physician, finding that it was impossible to give him the necessary
+attendance at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, put him into his own carriage and
+drove him to the Hospital of St. Luke's, where he confided him to the
+care of Dr. Leaming, himself also visiting him daily. Of this illness the
+_Baltimore Advertiser_ wrote:
+
+"Mr. Charles Bradlaugh, the famous English Radical lecturer, has been so
+very dangerously ill that his life has almost been despaired of. He was
+taken ill at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, and partially recovered; but on the
+day upon which a lecture had been arranged from him before the Liberal
+Club he was taken down a second time with a relapse, which has been very
+near proving fatal. The cause was overwork and complete nervous
+prostration which brought on low fever. His physician has allowed one
+friend only to see him daily for five minutes, and removed him to St.
+Luke's Hospital for the sake of the absolute quiet, comfort, and
+intelligent attendance he could secure there, and for which he was glad
+to pay munificently. This long and severe illness has disappointed the
+hopes and retarded the object for which he came to this country; but he
+is gentleness and patience itself in his sickness in this strange land,
+and has endeared himself greatly to his physicians and attendants by his
+gratitude and appreciation of the slightest attention."
+
+There is no doubt that the care so willingly lavished on the English
+stranger saved his life, and those who in England honor Charles Bradlaugh
+as chief and love him as friend must always keep in grateful memory those
+who in his sorest need served him so nobly well. Those who think that an
+Atheist cannot calmly face the prospect of death might well learn a
+lesson from the fortitude and courage shown by an Atheist as he lay at
+the point of death, far from home and from all he loved best. The Rev.
+Mr. Frothingham bore public and admiring testimony in his own church to
+Mr. Bradlaugh's perfect serenity, at once fearless and unpretending, and,
+himself a Theist, gave willing witness to the Atheist's calm strength.
+
+Mr. Bradlaugh returned to England at the end of December, worn to a
+shadow and terribly weak, and for many a long month he bore the traces of
+his wrestle with death. Indeed, he felt the effect of the illness for
+years, for typhoid fever is a foe whose weapons leave scars even after
+the healing of the wounds it inflicts.
+
+The first work done by Mr. Bradlaugh on resuming the editorial chair of
+the _National Reformer_, was to indite a vigorous protest against the
+investment of national capital in the Suez Canal Shares. He exposed the
+financial condition of Egypt, gave detail after detail of the Khedive's
+indebtedness, unveiled the rottenness of the Egyptian Government, warned
+the people of the danger of taking the first steps in a path which must
+lead to continual interference in Egyptian finance, denounced the
+shameful job perpetrated by Mr. Disraeli in borrowing the money for the
+purchase from the Rothschilds at enormous interest. His protest was, of
+course, useless, but its justice has been proved by the course of events.
+The bombarding of Alexandria, the shameful repression of the national
+movement in Egypt, the wholesale and useless slaughter in the Soudan, the
+waste of English lives and English money, the new burden of debt and of
+responsibility now assumed by the Government, all these are the results
+of the fatal purchase of shares in the Suez Canal by Mr. Disraeli; yet
+against the chorus of praise which resounded from every side when the
+purchase was announced, but one voice of disapproval and of warning was
+raised at first; others soon caught the warning and saw the dangers it
+pointed out, but for awhile Charles Bradlaugh stood alone in his
+opposition, and to him belongs the credit of at once seeing the peril
+which lay under the purchase.
+
+The 1876 Conference of the National Secular Society held at Leeds showed
+the growing power of the organisation, and was made notable by a very
+pleasant incident--the presentation to a miner, William Washington, of a
+silver tea-pot and some books, in recognition of a very noble act of
+self-devotion. An explosion had occurred on December 6th, 1875, at
+Swaithe Main pit, in which 143 miners were killed; a miner belonging to a
+neighboring pit, named William Washington, an Atheist, when every one was
+hanging back, sprang into the cage to descend into the pit in forlorn
+hope of rescue, when to descend seemed almost certain death. Others
+swiftly followed the gallant volunteer, but he had set the example, and
+it was felt by the Executive of the National Secular Society that his
+heroism deserved recognition, William Washington set his face against any
+gift to himself, so the subscription to a testimonial was limited to 6d.,
+and a silver teapot was presented to him for his wife and some books for
+his children. At this same Conference a committee was appointed,
+consisting of Messrs. Charles Bradlaugh, G.J. Holyoake, C. Watts, R.A.
+Cooper,--Gimson, T. Slater, and Mrs. Besant, to draw up a fresh statement
+of the principles and objects of the National Secular Society; it was
+decided that this statement should be submitted to the ensuing
+Conference, that the deliberation on the report of the Committee should
+"be open to all Freethinkers, but that only those will be entitled to
+vote on the ratification who declare their determination to enter the
+Society on the basis of the ratified constitution". It was hoped that by
+this means various scattered and independent societies might be brought
+into union, and that the National Secular Society might he thereby
+strengthened. The committee held a very large number of meetings and
+finally decided on the following statement, which was approved of at the
+Conference held at Nottingham in 1877, and stands now as the "Principles
+and Object of the National Secular Society":--
+
+"The National Secular Society has been formed to maintain the principles
+and rights of Freethought, and to direct their application to the Secular
+improvement of this life.
+
+"By the principle of Freethought is meant the exercise of the
+understanding upon relevant facts, and independently of penal or priestly
+intimidation.
+
+"By the rights of Freethought are meant the liberty of free criticism for
+the security of truth, and the liberty of free publicity for the
+extension of truth.
+
+"Secularism relates to the present existence of man, and to actions the
+issue of which can be tested by experience.
+
+"It declares that the promotion of human improvement and happiness is the
+highest duty, and that morality is to be tested by utility.
+
+"That in order to promote effectually the improvement and happiness of
+mankind, every individual of the human family ought to be well placed and
+well instructed, and that all who are of a suitable age ought to be
+usefully employed for their own and the general good.
+
+"That human improvement and happiness cannot be effectually promoted
+without civil and religious liberty; and that, therefore, it is the duty
+of every individual to actively attack all barriers to equal freedom of
+thought and utterance for all, upon political, theological, and social
+subjects.
+
+"A Secularist is one who deduces his moral duties from considerations
+which pertain to this life, and who, practically recognising the above
+duties, devotes himself to the promotion of the general good.
+
+"The object of the National Secular Society is to disseminate the above
+principles by every legitimate means in its power."
+
+At this same Conference of Leeds was inaugurated the subscription to the
+statue to be erected in Rome to the memory of Giordano Bruno, burned in
+that city for Atheism in 1600; this resulted in the collection of £60.
+
+The Executive appointed by the Leeds Conference made great efforts to
+induce the Freethinkers of the country to work for the repeal of the
+Blasphemy Laws, and in October 1876 they issued a copy of a petition
+against those evil laws to every one of the forty branches of the
+Society. The effort proved, however, of little avail. The laws had not
+been put in force for a long time, and were regarded with apathy as being
+obsolete, and it has needed the cruel imprisonments inflicted by Mr.
+Justice North on Messrs. Foote, Ramsey, and Kemp, to arouse the
+Freethought party to a sense of their duty in the matter.
+
+The year 1877 had scarcely opened ere we found ourselves with a serious
+fight on our hands. A pamphlet written early in the present century by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D., entitled "The Fruits of Philosophy", which had
+been sold unchallenged in England for nearly forty years, was suddenly
+seized at Bristol as an obscene publication. The book had been supplied
+in the ordinary course of business by Mr. Charles Watts, but the Bristol
+bookseller had altered its price, had inserted some indecent pictures in
+it, and had sold it among literature to which the word obscene was fairly
+applied. In itself, Dr. Knowlton's work was merely a physiological
+treatise, and it advocated conjugal prudence and parental responsibility;
+it argued in favor of early marriage, but as over-large families among
+persons of limited incomes imply either pauperism, or lack of necessary
+food, clothing, education, and fair start in life for the children, Dr.
+Knowlton advocated the restriction of the number of the family within the
+means of existence, and stated the means by which this restriction should
+be carried out. On hearing of the prosecution, Mr. Watts went down to
+Bristol, and frankly announced himself as the publisher of the book. Soon
+after his return to London he was arrested on the charge of having
+published an obscene book, and was duly liberated on bail. Mr. and Mrs.
+Watts, Mr. Bradlaugh and myself met to arrange our plan of united action
+on Friday, January 12th, and it was decided that Mr. Watts should defend
+the book, that a fund should at once be raised for his legal expenses,
+and that once more the right of publication of useful knowledge in a
+cheap form should be defended by the leaders of the Freethought party.
+After long and friendly discussion we separated with the plan of the
+campaign arranged, and it was decided that I should claim the sympathy
+and help of the Plymouth friends, whom I was to address on the following
+Sunday, January 14th. I went down to Plymouth on January 13th, and there
+received a telegram from Mr. Watts, saying that a change of plan had been
+decided on. I was puzzled, but none the less I appealed for help as I had
+promised to do, and a collection of £8 1s. 10d. for Mr. Watts' Defence
+Fund was made after my evening lecture. To my horror, on returning to
+London, I found that Mr. Watts had given way before the peril of
+imprisonment, and had decided to plead guilty to the charge of publishing
+an obscene book, and to throw himself on the mercy of the Court, relying
+on his previous good character and on an alleged ignorance of the
+contents of the incriminated work. The latter plea we knew to be false,
+for Mr. Watts before going down to Bristol to declare himself responsible
+for the pamphlet had carefully read it and had marked all the passages
+which, being physiological, might be attacked as "obscene". This marked
+copy he had sent to the Bristol bookseller, before he himself went to
+Bristol to attend the trial, and under these circumstances any pretence
+of ignorance of the contents of the book was transparently inaccurate.
+Mr. Watts' surrender, of course, upset all the arrangements we had agreed
+on; Mr. Bradlaugh and myself were prepared to stand by him in battle, but
+not in surrender. I at once returned to the Secretary of the Plymouth
+Branch the money collected for defence, not for capitulation, and Mr.
+Bradlaugh published the following brief statement in the _National
+Reformer_ for January 21st:
+
+"PROSECUTION OF Mr. CHARLES WATTS.--Mr. Charles Watts, as most of our
+readers will have already learned, has been committed for trial at the
+Central Criminal Court for February 5th, for misdemeanor, for publication
+of a work on the population question, entitled "Fruits of Philosophy", by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D. This book has been openly published in England and
+America for more than thirty years. It was sold in England by James
+Watson, who always bore the highest repute. On James Watson's retirement
+from business it was sold by Holyoake & Co., at Fleet Street House, and
+was afterwards sold by Mr. Austin Holyoake until the time of his death;
+and a separate edition was, up till last week, still sold by Mr. Brooks,
+of 282, Strand, W.C. When Mr. James Watson died, Mr. Charles Watts bought
+from James Watson's widow a large quantity of stereotype plates,
+including this work. If this book is to be condemned as obscene, so also
+in my opinion must be many published by Messrs. W.H. Smith & Son, and
+other publishers, against whose respectability no imputation has been
+made. Such books as Darwin's 'Origin of Species' and 'Descent of Man'
+must immediately be branded as obscene, while no medical work must be
+permitted publication; and all theological works, like those of Dulaure,
+Inman, etc., dealing with ancient creeds, must at once be suppressed. The
+bulk of the publications of the society for the repeal of the Contagious
+Diseases Acts, together with its monthly organ, the _Shield_, would be
+equally liable. The issue of the greater part of classic authors, and of
+Lemprière, Shakspere, Sterne, Fielding, Richardson, Rabelais, etc., must
+be stopped: while the Bible--containing obscene passages omitted from the
+lectionary--must no longer be permitted circulation. All these contain
+obscenity which is either inserted to amuse or to instruct, and the
+medical work now assailed deals with physiological points purely to
+instruct, and to increase the happiness of men and women.
+
+"If the pamphlet now prosecuted had been brought to me for publication, I
+should probably have declined to publish it, not because of the
+subject-matter, but because I do not like its style. If I had once
+published it, I should defend it until the very last. Here Mr. Watts and
+myself disagree in opinion; and as he is the person chiefly concerned, it
+is, of course, right that his decision should determine what is done. He
+tells me that he thinks the pamphlet indefensible, and that he was misled
+in publishing it without examination as part of James Watson's stock. I
+think it ought to be fought right through. Under these circumstances I
+can only leave Mr. Watts to speak for himself, as we so utterly differ in
+opinion on this case that I cease to be his proper interpreter. I have,
+therefore, already offered Mr. Watts the columns of the _National
+Reformer_, that he may put before the party his view of the case, which
+he does in another column."--C. BRADLAUGH.
+
+
+
+XIV.
+
+
+Up to this time (January, 1877) Mr. Watts had acted as sub-editor of the
+_National Reformer_, and printer and publisher of the books and pamphlets
+issued by Mr. Bradlaugh and myself. The continuance of this common work
+obviously became impossible after Mr. Watts had determined to surrender
+one of his publications under threat of prosecution. We felt that for two
+main reasons we could no longer publicly associate ourselves with him:
+(1) We could not retain on our publications the name of a man who had
+pleaded guilty to the publication of an obscene work; (2) Many of our
+writings were liable to prosecution for blasphemy, and it was necessary
+that we should have a publisher who could be relied on to stand firm in
+time of peril; we felt that if Mr. Watts surrendered one thing he would
+be likely to surrender others. This feeling on my part was strengthened
+by the remembrance of a request of his made a few months before, that I
+would print my own name instead of his as publisher of a political song I
+had issued, on the ground that it might come within the law of seditious
+libel. I had readily acceded at the time, but when absolute surrender
+under attack followed on timid precaution against attack, I felt that a
+bolder publisher was necessary to me. No particular blame should be laid
+on persons who are constitutionally timid; they have their own line of
+usefulness, and are often pleasant and agreeable folk enough; but they
+are out of place in the front rank of a fighting movement, for their
+desertion in face of the enemy means added danger for those left to carry
+on the fight. We therefore decided to sever ourselves from Mr. Watts; and
+Mr. Bradlaugh, in the _National Reformer_ of January 28th, inserted the
+following statement:
+
+"The divergence of opinion between myself and Mr. Charles Watts is so
+complete on the Knowlton case, that he has already ceased to be
+sub-editor of this journal, and I have given him notice determining our
+connexion on and from March 25th. My reasons for this course are as
+follows. The Knowlton pamphlet is either decent or indecent. If decent it
+ought to be defended; if indecent it should never have been published. To
+judge it indecent is to condemn, with the most severe condemnation, James
+Watson whom I respected, and Austin Holyoake with whom I worked. I hold
+the work to be defensible, and I deny the right of any one to interfere
+with the full and free discussion of social questions affecting the
+happiness of the nation. The struggle for a free press has been one of
+the marks of the Freethought Party throughout its history, and as long as
+the Party permits me to hold its flag, I will never voluntarily lower it.
+I have no right and no power to dictate to Mr. Watts the course he should
+pursue, but I have the right and duty to refuse to associate my name with
+a submission which is utterly repugnant to my nature, and inconsistent
+with my whole career."
+
+After a long discussion, Mr. Bradlaugh and I made up our minds as to the
+course we would pursue. We decided that we would never again place
+ourselves at a publisher's mercy, but would ensure the defence of all we
+published by publishing everything ourselves; we resolved to become
+printers and publishers, and to take any small place we could find and
+open it as a Freethought shop. I undertook the sub-editorship of the
+_National Reformer_, and the weekly Summary of News, which had hitherto
+been done by Mr. Watts, was placed in the hands of Mr. Bradlaugh's
+daughters. The next thing to do was to find a publishing office.
+Somewhere within reach of Fleet Street the office must be; small it must
+be, as we had no funds and the risk of starting a business of which we
+knew nothing was great. Still "all things are possible to" those who are
+resolute; we discovered a tumble-down little place in Stonecutter Street
+and secured it by the good offices of our friend, Mr. Charles Herbert; we
+borrowed a few hundred pounds from personal friends, and made our new
+tenement habitable; we drew up a deed of partnership, founding the
+"Freethought Publishing Company", Mr. Bradlaugh and myself being the only
+partners; we engaged Mr. W.J. Ramsey as manager of the business; and in
+the _National Reformer_ of February 25th we were able to announce:
+
+"The publishing office of the _National Reformer_ and of all the works of
+Charles Bradlaugh and Annie Besant is now at 28, Stonecutter Street,
+E.C., three doors from Farringdon Street, where the manager, Mr. W.J.
+Ramsey, will be glad to receive orders for the supply of any Freethought
+literature".
+
+A week later we issued the following address:
+
+"ADDRESS FROM THE FREETHOUGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY TO THE READERS OF THE
+'NATIONAL REFORMER'.
+
+"When the prospectus of the _National Reformer_ was issued by the
+founder, Charles Bradlaugh, in 1859, he described its policy as
+'Atheistic in theology, Republican in politics, and Malthusian in social
+economy', and a free platform was promised and has been maintained for
+the discussion of each of these topics. In ventilating the population
+question the stand taken by Mr. Bradlaugh, both here and on the platform,
+is well known to our old readers, and many works bearing on this vital
+subject have been advertised and reviewed in these columns. In this the
+_National Reformer_ has followed the course pursued by Mr. George Jacob
+Holyoake, who in 1853 published a 'Freethought Directory', giving a list
+of the various books supplied from the 'Fleet Street House', and which
+list contained amongst others:
+
+"'Anti-Marcus on the Population Question.'
+
+"Fowler's Tracts on Physiology, etc.
+
+"Dr. C. Knowlton's 'Fruits of Philosophy'.
+
+"'Moral Physiology: a plain treatise on the Population Question.'
+
+"In this Directory Mr. G.J. Holyoake says:
+
+"'No. 147 Fleet Street is a Central Secular Book Depot, where all works
+extant in the English language on the side of Freethought in Religion,
+Politics, Morals, and Culture are kept in stock, or are procured at short
+notice.'
+
+"We shall try to do at 28 Stonecutter Street that which Mr. Holyoake's
+Directory promised for Fleet Street House.
+
+"The partners in the Freethought Publishing Company are Annie Besant and
+Charles Bradlaugh, who have entered into a legal partnership for the
+purpose of sharing the legal responsibility of the works they publish.
+
+"We intend to publish nothing that we do not think we can morally defend.
+All that we do publish we shall defend. We do not mean that we shall
+agree with all we publish, but we shall, so far as we can, try to keep
+the possibility of free utterance of earnest, honest opinion.
+
+"It may not be out of place here to remind new readers of this journal of
+that which old readers well know, that no articles are editorial except
+those which are unsigned or bear the name of the editor, or that of the
+sub-editor; for each and every other article the author is allowed to say
+his own say in his own way; the editor only furnishes the means to
+address our readers, leaving to him or to her the right and
+responsibility of divergent thought.
+
+"ANNIE BESANT
+"CHARLES BRADLAUGH."
+
+Thus we found ourselves suddenly launched on a new undertaking, and with
+some amusement and much trepidation I realised that I was "in business",
+with business knowledge amounting to _nil_. I had, however, fair ability
+and plenty of goodwill, and I determined to learn my work, feeling proud
+that I had become one of the list of "Freethought publishers", who
+published for love of the cause of freedom, and risked all for the
+triumph of a principle ere it wore "silver slippers and walked in the
+sunshine with applause".
+
+On February 8th Mr. Watts was tried at the Old Bailey. He withdrew his
+plea of "Not Guilty", and pleaded "Guilty". His counsel urged that he was
+a man of good character, that Mr. George Jacob Holyoake had sold the
+incriminated pamphlet, that Mr. Watts had bought the stereo-plates of it
+in the stock of the late Mr. Austin Holyoake, which he had taken over
+bodily, and that he had never read the book until after the Bristol
+investigation. "Mr. Watts pledges himself to me", the counsel stated,
+"that he was entirely ignorant of the contents of this pamphlet until he
+heard passages read from it in the prosecution at Bristol". The counsel
+for the prosecution pointed out that this statement was inaccurate, and
+read passages from Mr. Watts' deposition made on the first occasion at
+Bristol, in which Mr. Watts stated that he had perused the book, and was
+prepared to justify it as a medical work. He, however, did not wish to
+press the case, if the plates and stock were destroyed, and Mr. Watts was
+accordingly discharged on his own recognisances in £500 to come up for
+judgment when called on.
+
+While this struggle was raging, an old friend of Mr. Bradlaugh's, Mr.
+George Odger, was slowly passing away; the good old man lay dying in his
+poor lodgings in High Street, Oxford Street, and I find recorded in the
+_National Reformer_ of March 4th, that on February 28th we had been to
+see him, and that "he is very feeble and is, apparently, sinking fast;
+but he is as brave and bright, facing his last enemy, as he has ever been
+facing his former ones". He died on March 4th, and was buried in Brompton
+Cemetery on the 10th of the same month.
+
+A grave question now lay before us for decision. The Knowlton pamphlet
+had been surrendered; was that surrender to stand as the last word of the
+Freethought party on a book which had been sold by the most prominent men
+in its ranks for forty years? To our minds such surrender, left
+unchallenged, would be a stain on all who submitted to it, and we decided
+that faulty as the book was in many respects it had yet become the symbol
+of a great principle, of the right to circulate physiological knowledge
+among the poor in pamphlets published at a price they could afford to
+pay. Deliberately counting the risk, recognising that by our action we
+should subject ourselves to the vilest slander, knowing that Christian
+malice would misrepresent and ignorance would echo the misrepresentation
+--we yet resolved that the sacrifice must be made, and made by us in
+virtue of our position in the Freethought Party. If the leaders flinched
+how could the followers be expected to fight? The greatest sacrifice had
+to be made by Mr. Bradlaugh. How would an indictment for publishing an
+obscene book affect his candidature for Northampton? What a new weapon
+for his foes, what a new difficulty for his friends! I may say here that
+our worst forebodings were realised by the event; we have been assailed
+as "vendors of obscene literature", as "writers of obscene books", as
+"living by the circulation of filthy books". And it is because such
+accusations have been widely made that I here place on permanent record
+the facts of the case, for thus, at least, some honest opponents will
+learn the truth and will cease to circulate the slanders they may have
+repeated in ignorance.
+
+On February 27th our determination to republish the Knowlton pamphlet was
+announced by Mr. Bradlaugh in an address delivered by him at the Hall of
+Science on "The Right of Publication". Extracts from a brief report,
+published in the _National Reformer_ of March 11th, will show the drift
+of his statement:
+
+"Mr. Bradlaugh was most warmly welcomed to the platform, and reiterated
+cheers greeted him as he rose to make his speech. Few who heard him that
+evening will forget the passion and the pathos with which he spoke. The
+defence of the right to publish was put as strongly and as firmly as
+words could put it, and the determination to maintain that right, in dock
+and in jail as on the platform, rang out with no uncertain sound. Truly,
+as the orator said: 'The bold words I have spoken from this place would
+be nothing but the emptiest brag and the coward's boast, if I flinched
+now in the day of battle'. Every word of praise of the fighters of old
+would fall in disgrace on the head of him who spoke it, if when the time
+came to share in their peril he shrunk back from the danger of the
+strife.... Mr. Bradlaugh drew a graphic picture of the earlier struggles
+for a free press, and then dealt with the present state of the law; from
+that he passed on to the pamphlet which is the test-question of the hour;
+he pointed out how some parts of it were foolish, such as the
+'philosophical proem', but remarked that he knew no right in law to
+forbid the publication of all save wisdom; he then showed how, had he
+originally been asked to publish the pamphlet, he should have raised some
+objections to its style, but that was a very different matter from
+permitting the authorities to stop its sale; the style of many books
+might be faulty without the books being therefore obscene. He contended
+the book was a perfectly moral medical work, and was no more indecent
+than every other medical work dealing with the same subject. The
+knowledge it gave was useful knowledge; many a young man might be saved
+from disease by such a knowledge as was contained in the book; if it was
+argued that such books should not be sold at so cheap a rate, he replied
+that it was among the masses that such physiological knowledge was
+needed, 'and if there is one subject above all others', he exclaimed,
+'for which a man might gladly sacrifice his hopes and his life, surely it
+is for that which would relieve his fellow-men from poverty, the mother
+of crimes, and would make happy homes where now only want and suffering
+reign'. He had fully counted the cost; he knew all he might lose; but
+Carlile before him had been imprisoned for teaching the same doctrine,
+'and what Carlile did for his day, I, while health and strength remain,
+will do for mine'."
+
+The position we took up in republishing the pamphlet was clearly stated
+in the preface which we wrote for it, and which I here reprint, as it
+gives plainly and briefly the facts of the case:
+
+"PUBLISHERS' PREFACE TO DR. KNOWLTON'S 'FRUITS OF PHILOSOPHY'.
+
+"The pamphlet which we now present to the public is one which has been
+lately prosecuted under Lord Campbell's Act, and which we now republish
+in order to test the right of publication. It was originally written by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D., an American physician, whose degree entitles him
+to be heard with respect on a medical question. It is openly sold and
+widely circulated in America at the present time. It was first published
+in England, about forty years ago, by James Watson, the gallant Radical
+who came to London and took up Richard Carlile's work when Carlile was in
+jail. He sold it unchallenged for many years, approved it, and
+recommended it. It was printed and published by Messrs. Holyoake and Co.,
+and found its place, with other works of a similar character, in their
+'Freethought Directory' of 1853, and was thus identified with Freethought
+literature at the then leading Freethought _depôt_ . Mr. Austin Holyoake,
+working in conjunction with Mr. Bradlaugh at the _National Reformer_
+office, Johnson's Court, printed and published it in his turn, and this
+well-known Freethought advocate, in his 'Large or Small Families'.
+selected this pamphlet, together with R.D. Owen's 'Moral Physiology' and
+the 'Elements of Social Science', for special recommendation. Mr. Charles
+Watts, succeeding to Mr. Austin Holyoake's business, continued the sale,
+and when Mr. Watson died in 1875, he bought the plates of the work (with
+others) from Mrs. Watson, and continued to advertise and to sell it until
+December 23rd, 1876. For the last forty years the book has thus been
+identified with Freethought, advertised by leading Freethinkers,
+published under the sanction of their names, and sold in the
+head-quarters of Freethought literature. If during this long period the
+party has thus--without one word of protest--circulated an indecent work,
+the less we talk about Freethought morality the better; the work has been
+largely sold, and if leading Freethinkers have sold it--profiting by the
+sale--in mere carelessness, few words could be strong enough to brand the
+indifference which thus scattered obscenity broadcast over the land. The
+pamphlet has been withdrawn from circulation in consequence of the
+prosecution instituted against Mr. Charles Watts, but the question of its
+legality or illegality has not been tried; a plea of 'Guilty' was put in
+by the publisher, and the book, therefore, was not examined, nor was any
+judgment passed upon it; no jury registered a verdict, and the judge
+stated that he had not read the work.
+
+"We republish this pamphlet, honestly believing that on all questions
+affecting the happiness of the people, whether they be theological,
+political, or social, fullest right of free discussion ought to be
+maintained at all hazards. We do not personally endorse all that Dr.
+Knowlton says: his 'Philosophical Proem' seems to us full of
+philosophical mistakes, and--as we are neither of us doctors--we are not
+prepared to endorse his medical views; but since progress can only be
+made through discussion, and no discussion is possible where differing
+opinions are suppressed, we claim the right to publish all opinions, so
+that the public, enabled to see all sides of a question, may have the
+materials for forming a sound judgment.
+
+"The alterations made are very slight; the book was badly printed, and
+errors of spelling and a few clumsy grammatical expressions have been
+corrected; the sub-title has been changed, and in one case four lines
+have been omitted, because they are repeated word for word further on. We
+have, however, made some additions to the pamphlet, which are in all
+cases kept distinct from the original text. Physiology has made great
+strides during the past forty years, and not considering it right to
+circulate erroneous physiology, we submitted the pamphlet to a doctor in
+whose accurate knowledge we have the fullest confidence, and who is
+widely known in all parts of the world as the author of the "Elements of
+Social Science"; the notes signed "G.R." are written by this gentleman.
+References to other works are given in foot notes for the assistance of
+the reader, if he desires to study the subject further.
+
+"Old Radicals will remember that Richard Carlile published a work
+entitled 'Every Woman's Book', which deals with the same subject, and
+advocates the same object, as Dr. Knowlton's pamphlet. E.D. Owen objected
+to the 'style and tone' of Carlile's 'Every Woman's Book' as not being
+'in good taste', and he wrote his 'Moral Physiology', to do in America
+what Carlile's work was intended to do in England. This work of Carlile's
+was stigmatised as 'indecent' and 'immoral' because it advocated, as does
+Dr. Knowlton's, the use of preventive checks to population. In striving
+to carry on Carlile's work, we cannot expect to escape Carlile's
+reproach, but whether applauded or condemned we mean to carry it on,
+socially as well as politically and theologically.
+
+"We believe, with the Rev. Mr. Malthus, that population has a tendency to
+increase faster than the means of existence, and that _some_ checks must
+therefore exercise control over population; the checks now exercised are
+semi-starvation and preventible disease; the enormous mortality among the
+infants of the poor is one of the checks which now keeps down the
+population. The checks that ought to control population are scientific,
+and it is these which we advocate. We think it more moral to prevent the
+conception of children, than, after they are born, to murder them by want
+of food, air, and clothing. We advocate scientific checks to population,
+because, so long as poor men have large families, pauperism is a
+necessity, and from pauperism grow crime and disease. The wage which
+would support the parents and two or three children in comfort and
+decency is utterly insufficient to maintain a family of twelve or
+fourteen, and we consider it a crime to bring into the world human beings
+doomed to misery or to premature death. It is not only the hand-working
+classes which are concerned in this question. The poor curate, the
+struggling man of business, the young professional man, are often made
+wretched for life by their inordinately large families, and their years
+are passed in one long battle to live; meanwhile the woman's health is
+sacrificed and her life embittered from the same cause. To all of these,
+we point the way of relief and of happiness; for the sake of these we
+publish what others fear to issue, and we do it, confident that if we
+fail the first time, we shall succeed at last, and that the English
+public will not permit the authorities to stifle a discussion of the most
+important social question which can influence a nation's welfare.
+
+"CHARLES BRADLAUGH.
+"ANNIE BESANT."
+
+We advertised the sale of the pamphlet in the _National Reformer_ of
+March 25th (published March 22nd) in the following words:
+
+FRUITS OF PHILOSOPHY. By CHARLES KNOWLTON, M.D. PRICE SIXPENCE.
+
+This Pamphlet will be republished on Saturday, March 24th, _in extenso_,
+with some additional Medical Notes by a London Doctor of Medicine. It
+will be on sale at 28, Stonecutter Street, E.G., after 4 p.m. until close
+of shop. No one need apply before this time, as none will be on sale. Mr.
+Charles Bradlaugh and Mrs. Annie Besant will be in attendance from that
+hour, and will sell personally the first hundred copies.
+
+FREETHOUGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY, 28, Stonecutter Street, E.C.
+
+In addition to this we ourselves delivered copies on March 23rd to Mr.
+Martin, the Chief Clerk of the magistrates at Guildhall, to the officer
+in charge at the City Police Office in Old Jewry, and to the Solicitor
+for the City of London. With each pamphlet we handed in a notice that we
+should attend personally to sell the book on March 24th, at Stonecutter
+Street, from 4 to 5 p.m. These precautions were taken in order to force
+the authorities to prosecute us, and not any of our subordinates, if they
+prosecuted at all. The account of the first sale will interest many:
+
+"On Saturday we went down to Stonecutter Street, accompanied by the
+Misses Bradlaugh and Mr. and Mrs. Touzeau Parris; we arrived at No. 28 at
+three minutes to four, and found a crowd awaiting us. We promptly filled
+the window with copies of the pamphlet, as a kind of general notice of
+the sale within, and then opened the door. The shop was filled
+immediately, and in twenty minutes over 500 copies were sold. No one sold
+save Mr. Bradlaugh and myself, but Miss Bradlaugh sorted dozens with a
+skill that seemed to stamp her as intended by nature for the business,
+while her sister supplied change with a rapidity worthy of a bank clerk.
+Several detectives favored us with a visit, and one amused us by coming
+in and buying two copies from Mr. Bradlaugh, and then retiring
+gracefully; after an interval of perhaps a quarter of an hour he
+reappeared, and purchased one from me. Two policemen outside made
+themselves useful; one patrolled the street calmly, and the other very
+kindly aided Norrish, Mr. Eamsey's co-worker, in his efforts to keep the
+stream flowing quietly, without too much pressure. Mr. Bradlaugh's voice
+was heard warningly from time to time, bidding customers not to crowd,
+and everything went well and smoothly, save that I occasionally got into
+fearful muddles in the intricacies of 'trade price'; I disgusted one
+customer, who muttered roughly 'Ritchie', and who, when I gave him two
+copies, and put his shilling in the till, growled: 'I shan't take them'.
+I was fairly puzzled, till Mr. Bradlaugh enlightened me as to the
+difficulty, 'Ritchie' to me being unknown; it appeared that 'Ritchie',
+muttered by the buyer, meant that the copies were wanted by a bookseller
+of that name, and his messenger was irate at being charged full price.
+Friends from various parts appeared to give a kindly word; a number of
+the members of the Dialectical Society came in, and many were the
+congratulations and promises of aid in case of need. Several who came in
+offered to come forward as bail, and their names were taken by Mr.
+Parris. The buyer that most raised my curiosity was one of Mr. Watts'
+sons, who came in and bought seven copies, putting down only trade-price
+on the counter; no one is supplied at trade-price unless he buys to sell
+again, and we have all been wondering why Mr. Watts should intend to sell
+the Knowlton pamphlet, after he has proclaimed it to be obscene and
+indecent. At six o'clock the shutters were put up, and we gave up our
+amateur shop-keeping; our general time for closing on Saturday is 2 p.m.,
+but we kept the shop open on Saturday for the special purpose of selling
+the Knowlton pamphlet. We sold about 800 copies, besides sending out a
+large number of country parcels, so that if the police now amuse
+themselves in seizing the work, they will entirely have failed in
+stopping its circulation. The pamphlet, during the present week, will
+have been sold over England and Scotland, and the only effect of the
+foolish police interference will be to have sold a large edition. We must
+add one word of thanks to them for the kindly aid given us by their
+gratuitous advertisement."
+
+[I may note here, in passing, that we printed our edition verbatim from
+that issued by James Watson, not knowing that various editions were in
+circulation. It was thereupon stated by Mr. Watts that we had not
+reprinted the pamphlet for which he was prosecuted, so we at once issued
+another edition, printed from his own version.]
+
+The help that flowed in to us from all sides was startling both in
+quantity and quality; a Defence Committee was quickly formed, consisting
+of the following persons:
+
+"C.R. Drysdale, M.D., Miss Vickery, H.R.S. Dalton, B.A., W.J. Birch,
+M.A., J. Swaagman, Mrs. Swaagman, P.A.V. Le Lubez, Mdme. Le Lubez, Miss
+Bradlaugh, Miss H. Bradlaugh, Mrs. Parris, T. Allsop, E. Truelove, Mark
+E. Marsden, F.A. Ford, Mrs. Fenwick Miller, G.N. Strawbridge, W.W.
+Wright, Mrs. Rennick, Mrs. Lowe, W. Bell, Thomas Slater, G. F. Forster,
+J. Scott, G. Priestley, J.W. White, J. Hart, H. Brooksbank, Mrs.
+Brooksbank, G. Middleton, J. Child, Ben. W. Elmy, Elizabeth Wolstenholme
+Elmy, Touzeau Parris (Hon. Sec.), Captain R.H. Dyas, Thomas Roy
+(President of the Scottish Secular Union), R.A. Cooper, Robert Forder,
+William Wayham, Mrs. Elizabeth Wayham, Professor Emile Acollas (ancien
+Professeur de Droit Français à l'Université de Berne), W. Reynolds, C.
+Herbert, J.F. Haines, H. Rogers (President of the Trunk and Portmanteau
+Makers' Trade Society), Yves Guyot (Redacteur en chef du _Radical_ et du
+_Bien Public),_ W.J. Ramsey, J. Wilks, Mrs. Wilks, J.E. Symes, E. Martin,
+W.E. Adams, Mrs. Adams, John Bryson (President of the Northumberland
+Miners' Mutual Confident Association), Ralph Young, J. Grout, Mrs. Grout,
+General Cluseret, A. Talandier (Member of the Chamber of Deputies), J.
+Baxter Langley, LL.D., M.R.C.S., F.L.S."
+
+Mrs. Fenwick Miller's letter of adhesion is worthy republication; it puts
+so tersely the real position:
+
+"59, Francis Terrace. Victoria Park.
+"March 31st.
+
+"My dear Mrs. Besant,--I feel myself privileged in having the opportunity
+of expressing both to you and to the public, by giving you my small aid
+to your defence, how much I admire the noble position taken up by Mr.
+Bradlaugh and yourself upon this attempt to suppress free discussion, and
+to keep the people in enforced ignorance upon the most important of
+subjects. It is shameful that you should have to do it through the
+cowardice of the less important person who might have made himself a hero
+by doing as you now do, but was too weak for his opportunities. Since you
+have had to do it, however, accept the assurance of my warm sympathy, and
+my readiness to aid in any way within my power in your fight. Please add
+my name to your Committee. You will find a little cheque within: I wish I
+had fifty times as much to give.
+
+"Under other circumstances, the pamphlet might well have been withdrawn
+from circulation, since its physiology its obsolete, and consequently its
+practical deductions to some extent unsound. But it must be everywhere
+comprehended that _this is not the point_. The book would have been
+equally attacked had its physiology been new and sound; the prosecution
+is against the right to issue a work upon the special subject, and
+against the freedom of the press and individual liberty.--Believe me,
+yours very faithfully,
+
+R. FENWICK MILLER."
+
+Among the many received were letters of encouragement from General
+Garibaldi, M. Talandier, Professor Emile Acollas, and the Rev. S.D.
+Headlam.
+
+As we did not care to be hunted about London by the police, we offered to
+be at Stonecutter Street daily from 10 to 11 a.m. until we were arrested,
+and our offer was readily accepted. Friends who were ready to act as bail
+came forward in large numbers, and we arranged with some of them that
+they should be within easy access in case of need. There was a little
+delay in issuing the warrants for our arrest. A deputation from the
+Christian Evidence Society waited on Mr. (now Sir Richard) Cross, to ask
+that the Government should prosecute us, and he acceded to their request.
+The warrants were issued on April 3rd, and were executed on April 5th.
+The story of the arrest I take from my own article in the _National
+Reformer,_ premising that we had been told that "the warrants were in the
+hands of Simmons".
+
+"Thursday morning found us again on our way to Stonecutter Street, and as
+we turned into it we were aware of three gentlemen regarding us
+affectionately from beneath the shelter of a ladder on the off-side of
+Farringdon Street. 'That's Simmons,' quoth Mr. Bradlaugh, as we went in,
+and I shook my head solemnly, regarding 'Simmons' as the unsubstantial
+shadow of a dream. But as the two Misses Bradlaugh and myself reached the
+room above the shop, a gay--'I told you so', from Mr. Bradlaugh
+downstairs, announced a visit, and in another moment Mr. Bradlaugh came
+up, followed by the three unknown. 'You know what we have come for,' said
+the one in front; and no one disputed his assertion. Detective-Sergeant
+R. Outram was the head officer, and he produced his warrant at Mr.
+Bradlaugh's request; he was accompanied by two detective officers,
+Messrs. Simmons and Williams. He was armed also with a search warrant, a
+most useful document, seeing that the last copy of the edition (of 5,000
+copies) had been sold on the morning of the previous day, and a high pile
+of orders was accumulating downstairs, orders which we were unable to
+fulfil. Mr. Bradlaugh told him, with a twinkle in his eye, that he was
+too late, but offered him every facility for searching. A large packet of
+'Text Books'--left for that purpose by Norrish, if the truth were known--
+whose covers were the same color as those of the 'Fruits', attracted Mr.
+Outram's attention, and he took off some of the brown paper wrapper, but
+found the goods unseizable. He took one copy of the 'Cause of Woman', by
+Ben Elmy, and wandered up and down the house seeking for goods to devour,
+but found nothing to reward him for his energy. Meanwhile we wrote a few
+telegrams and a note or two, and after about half-an-hour's delay, we
+started for the police-station in Bridewell Place, arriving there at
+10.25. The officers, who showed us every courtesy and kindness consistent
+with the due execution of their duty, allowed Mr. Bradlaugh and myself to
+walk on in front, and they followed us across the roar of Fleet Street,
+down past Ludgate Hill Station, to the Police Office. Here we passed into
+a fair-sized room, and were requested to go into a funny iron-barred
+place; it was a large oval railed in, with a brightly polished iron bar
+running round it, the door closing with a snap. Here we stood while two
+officers in uniform got out their books; one of these reminded Mr.
+Bradlaugh of his late visits there, remarking that he supposed the
+'gentleman you were so kind to will do you the same good turn now'. Mr.
+Bradlaugh dryly replied that he didn't think so, accepting service and
+giving it were two very different things. Our examination then began;
+names, ages, abodes, birth-places, number of children, color of hair and
+eyes, were all duly enrolled; then we were measured, and our heights put
+down; next we delivered up watches, purses, letters, keys--in fact
+emptied our pockets; then I was walked off by the housekeeper into a
+neighboring cell and searched--a surely most needless proceeding; it
+strikes me this is an unnecessary indignity to which to subject an
+uncondemned prisoner, except in cases of theft, where stolen property
+might be concealed about the person. It is extremely unpleasant to be
+handled, and on such a charge as that against myself a search was an
+absurdity. The woman was as civil as she could be, but, as she fairly
+enough said, she had no option in the matter. After this, I went back to
+the room and rejoined my fellow prisoner and we chatted peaceably with
+our guardians; they quite recognised our object in our proceedings, and
+one gave it as his opinion that we ought to have been summoned, and not
+taken by warrant. Taken, however, we clearly were, and we presently drove
+on to Guildhall, Mr. Outram in the cab with us, and Mr. Williams on the
+box.
+
+"At Guildhall, we passed straight into the court, through the dock, and
+down the stairs. Here Mr. Outram delivered us over to the gaoler, and the
+most uncomfortable part of our experiences began. Below the court are a
+number of cells, stone floored and whitewashed walled; instead of doors
+there are heavy iron gates, covered with thick close grating; the
+passages are divided here and there with similar strong iron gates, only
+some of which are grated. The rules of the place of course divided the
+sexes, so Mr. Bradlaugh and myself were not allowed to occupy the same
+cell; the gaoler, however, did the best he could for us, by allowing me
+to remain in a section of the passage which separated the men's from the
+women's cells, and by putting Mr. Bradlaugh into the first of the men's.
+Then, by opening a little window in the thick wall, a grating was
+discovered, through which we could dimly see each other. Mr. Bradlaugh's
+face, as seen from my side, scored all over with the little oblong holes
+in the grating reflected by the dull glimmer of the gas in the passage,
+was curious rather than handsome; mine was, probably, not more
+attractive. In this charming place we passed two hours-and-a-half, and it
+was very dull and very cold. We solaced ourselves, at first, by reading
+the _Secular Review_, Mr. Bradlaugh tearing it into pages, and passing
+them one by one through the grating. By pushing on his side and pulling
+on mine, we managed to get them through the narrow holes. Our position
+when we read them was a strange satire on one article (which I read with
+great pain), which expressed the writer's opinion that the book was so
+altered as not to be worth prosecuting. Neither the police nor the
+magistrate recognised any difference between the two editions. As I knew
+the second edition, taken from Mr. Watts', was almost ready for delivery
+as I read, I could not help smiling at the idea that no one 'had the
+courage' to reprint it.
+
+"Mr. Bradlaugh paced up and down his limited kingdom, and after I had
+finished correcting an _N.R._, I sometimes walked and sometimes sat, and
+we chatted over future proceedings, and growled at our long detention,
+and listened to names of prisoners being called, until we were at last
+summoned to 'go up higher', and we joyfully obeyed. It was a strange sort
+of place to stand in, the dock of a police-court the position struck one
+as really funny, and everyone who looked at us seemed to feel the same
+incongruity: officials, chief clerk, magistrate, all were equally polite,
+and Mr. Bradlaugh seemed to get his own way from the dock as much as
+everywhere else. The sitting magistrate was Alderman Figgins, a nice,
+kindly old gentleman, robed in marvellous, but not uncomely, garments of
+black velvet, purple, and dark fur. Below the magistrate, on either hand,
+sat a gentleman writing, one of whom was Mr. Martin, the chief clerk, who
+took the purely formal evidence required to justify the arrest. The
+reporters all sat at the right, and Mr. Touzeau Parris shared their
+bench, sitting on the corner nearest us. Just behind him Mr. Outram had
+kindly found seats for the two Misses Bradlaugh, who surveyed us
+placidly, and would, I am sure, had their duty called them to do so, have
+gladly and willingly changed places with us. The back of the court was
+filled with kindly faces, and many bright smiles greeted us; among the
+people were those who so readily volunteered their aid, those described
+by an official as 'a regular waggon-load of bail'. Their presence there
+was a most useful little demonstration of support, and the telegrams that
+kept dropping in also had their effect. 'Another of your friends, Mr.
+Bradlaugh,' quoth the chief clerk, as the fourth was handed to him, and I
+hear that the little buff envelopes continued to arrive all the
+afternoon. I need not here detail what happened in the court, as a full
+report by a shorthand writer appears in another part of the paper, and I
+only relate odds and ends. It amused me to see the broad grin which ran
+round when the detective was asked whether he had executed the seizure
+warrant, and he answered sadly that there was 'nothing to seize'. When
+bail was called for, Dr. Drysdale, Messrs. Swaagman, Truelove, and Bell
+were the first summoned, and no objections being raised to them, nor
+further securities asked for, these four gentlemen were all that were
+needed. We were then solemnly and severally informed that we were bound
+over in our own recognizances of £200 each to appear on Tuesday, April
+17th, at eleven o'clock in the forenoon, to answer, etc., etc., etc., to
+which adjuration I only replied by a polite little bow. After all this we
+passed into a small room at one side, and there waited till divers papers
+were delivered unto us, and we were told to depart in peace. A number of
+people had gathered outside and cheered us warmly as we came out, one
+voice calling: 'Bravo! there's some of the old English spirit left yet'.
+Being very hungry (it was nearly three o'clock), we went off to luncheon,
+very glad that the warrant was no longer hanging over our heads, and on
+our way home we bought a paper announcing our arrest. The evening papers
+all contained reports of the proceedings, as did also the papers of the
+following morning. I have seen the _Globe, Standard, Daily News, Times,
+Echo, Daily Telegraph_, and they all give perfectly fair reports of what
+took place. It is pleasant that they all seem to recognise that our
+reason for acting as we have done is a fair and honorable desire to test
+the right of publication."
+
+
+
+XV.
+
+
+The preliminary investigation before the magistrates at Guildhall duly
+came on upon April 17th, the prosecution being conducted by Mr. Douglas
+Straight and Mr. F. Mead. The case was put by Mr. Straight with extreme
+care and courtesy, the learned counsel stating, "I cannot conceal from
+myself, or from those who instruct me, that everything has been done in
+accordance with fairness and _bona fides_ on the part of Mr. Bradlaugh
+and the lady sitting by the side of him". Mr. Straight contended that the
+good intentions of a publisher could not be taken as proving that a book
+was not indictable, and laid stress on the cheapness of the work, "the
+price charged is so little as sixpence". Mr. Bradlaugh proved that there
+was no physiological statement in Knowlton, which was not given in far
+fuller detail in standard works on physiology, quoting Carpenter, Dalton,
+Acton, and others; he showed that Malthus, Professor Fawcett, Mrs.
+Fawcett, and others, advocated voluntary limitation of the family,
+establishing his positions by innumerable quotations. A number of eminent
+men were in Court, subpoenaed to prove their own works, and I find on
+them the following note, written by myself at the time:--
+
+"We necessarily put some of our medical and publishing witnesses to great
+inconvenience in summoning them into court, but those who were really
+most injured were the most courteous. Mr. Trübner, although suffering
+from a painful illness, and although, we had expressed our willingness to
+accept in his stead some member of his staff, was present, kindly and
+pleasant as usual. Dr. Power, a most courteous gentleman, called away
+from an examination of some 180 young men, never thought of asking that
+he should be relieved from the citizen's duty, but only privately asked
+to be released as soon as possible. Dr. Parker was equally worthy of the
+noble profession to which he belonged, and said he did not want to stay
+longer than he need, but would be willing to return whenever wanted.
+Needless to say that Dr. Drysdale was there, ready to do his duty. Dr.
+W.B. Carpenter was a strange contrast to these; he was rough and
+discourteous in manner, and rudely said that he was not responsible for
+'Human Physiology, by Dr. Carpenter', as his responsibility had ceased
+with the fifth edition. It seems a strange thing that a man of eminence,
+presumably a man of honor, should disavow all responsibility for a book
+which bears his name as author on the title-page. Clearly, if the 'Human
+Physiology' is not Dr. Carpenter's, the public is grossly deceived by the
+pretence that it is, and if, as Dr. Carpenter says, the whole
+responsibility rests on Dr. Power, then that gentleman should have the
+whole credit of that very useful book. It is not right that Dr. Carpenter
+should have all the glory and Dr. Power all the annoyance resulting from
+the work."
+
+Among all the men we came into contact with during the trial, Dr.
+Carpenter and Professor Fawcett were the only two who shrank from
+endorsing their own written statements.
+
+The presiding magistrate, Mr. Alderman Figgins, devoted himself gallantly
+to the unwonted task of wading through physiological text books, the poor
+old gentleman's hair sometimes standing nearly on end, and his composure
+being sadly ruffled when he found that Dr. Carpenter's florid treatise,
+with numerous illustrations of a, to him, startling character, was given
+to young boys and girls as a prize in Government examinations. He
+compared Knowlton with the work of Dr. Acton's submitted to him, and said
+despondingly that one was just the same as the other. At the end of the
+day the effect made on him by the defence was shown by his letting us go
+free without bail. Mr. Bradlaugh finished his defence at the next hearing
+of the case on April 19th, and his concluding remarks, showing the
+position we took, may well find their place here:
+
+"The object of this book is to circulate amongst the masses of the poor
+and wretched (as far as my power will circulate it), and to seek to
+produce in their minds such prudential views on the subject of population
+as shall at least hinder some of the horrors to be witnessed amongst the
+starving. I have not put you to the trouble of hearing proof--even if I
+were, in this court, permitted to do so--of facts on the Population
+Question, because the learned counsel for the prosecution, with the
+frankness which characterises this prosecution, admitted there was the
+tendency on the part of animated nature to increase until checked by the
+absence or deficiency of the means of subsistence. This being so, some
+checks must step in; these checks must be either positive or preventive
+and prudential. What are positive checks? The learned counsel has told
+you what they are. They are war, disease, misery, starvation. They are in
+China--to take a striking instance--accompanied by habits so revolting
+that I cannot now allude to them. See the numbers of miserable starving
+children in the great cities and centres of population. Is it right to go
+to these people and say, 'bring into the world children who cannot live',
+who all their lives are prevented by the poverty-smitten frames of their
+parents, and by their own squalid surroundings, from enjoying almost
+every benefit of the life thrust on them! who inherit the diseases and
+adopt the crimes which poverty and misery have provided for them? The
+very medical works I have put in in this case show how true this is in
+too many cases, and if you read the words of Dr. Acton, crime is
+sometimes involved of a terrible nature which the human tongue governed
+by training shrinks from describing. We justly or erroneously believe
+that we are doing our duty in putting this information in the hands of
+the people, and we contest this case with no kind of bravado; the penalty
+we already have to pay is severe enough, for even while we are defending
+this, some portion of the public press is using words of terrorism
+against the witnesses to be called, and is describing myself and my
+co-defendant in a fashion that I feel sure will find no sanction here,
+and that I hope will never occur again. We contest this because the
+advocacy of such views on population has been familiar to me for many
+years. The _Public Journal of Health_, edited by Dr. Hardwicke, the
+coroner for Central Middlesex, will show you that in 1868 I was known, in
+relation to this question, to men high in position in the land as
+original thinkers and political economists; that the late John Stuart
+Mill has left behind him, in his Autobiography, testimony concerning me
+on this subject, according unqualified praise to me for the views thereon
+which I had labored to disseminate; and that Lord Amberley thanked me, in
+a society of which we were then both associates, for having achieved what
+I had in bringing these principles to the knowledge of the poorer classes
+of the people. With taxation on every hand extending, with the cost of
+living increasing, and with wages declining--and, as to the last element,
+I am reminded that recently I was called upon to arbitrate in a wages'
+dispute in the north of England for a number of poor men, and, having
+minutely scrutinised every side of the situation, was compelled to reduce
+their wages by 15 per cent., there having been already a reduction of 35
+per cent, in the short space of some twenty months previously--I say,
+with wages declining, with the necessaries of life growing dearer and
+still dearer, and with the burden of rent and taxation ever increasing--
+if, in the presence of such a condition of life among the vast industrial
+and impoverished masses of this land, I am not to be allowed to tell them
+how best to prevent or to ameliorate the wretchedness of their lot--if,
+with all this, I may not speak to them of the true remedy, but the law is
+to step in and say to me, 'Your mouth is closed'; then, I ask you, what
+remedy is there remaining by which I am to deal with this awful misery?"
+
+The worthy magistrate duly committed us for trial, accepting our own
+recognizances in £200 each to appear at the Central Criminal Court on May
+7th. To the Central Criminal Court, however, we had not the smallest
+intention of going, if we could possibly avoid it, so Mr. Bradlaugh
+immediately took steps to obtain a writ of _certiorari_ to remove the
+indictment to the Court of Queen's Bench. On April 27th Mr. Bradlaugh
+moved for the writ before Lord Chief Justice Cockburn and Mr. Justice
+Mellor, and soon after he began his argument the judge stopped him,
+saying that he would grant the writ if, "upon, looking at it we think its
+object is the legitimate one of promoting knowledge on a matter of human
+interest, then, lest there should be any miscarriage resulting from any
+undue prejudice, we might think it is a case for trial by a judge and a
+special jury. I do not say it is so, mark, but only put it so, that if,
+on the other hand, science and philosophy are merely made the pretence of
+publishing a book which is calculated to arouse the passions of those who
+peruse it, then it follows that we must not allow the pretence to
+prevail, and treat the case otherwise than as one which may come before
+anybody to try. If we really think it is a fair question as to whether it
+is a scientific work or not, and its object is a just one, then we should
+be disposed to accede to your application, and allow it to be tried by a
+judge and special jury, and for that purpose allow the proceedings to be
+removed into this court. But, before we decide that, we must look into
+the book and form our own judgment as to the real object of the work."
+
+Two copies of the book were at once handed up to the Bench, and on April
+30th the Court granted the writ, the Lord Chief Justice saying: "We have
+looked at the book which is the subject-matter of the indictment, and we
+think it really raises a fair question as to whether it is a scientific
+production for legitimate purposes, or whether it is what the indictment
+alleged it to be, an obscene publication." Further, the Court accepted
+Mr. Bradlaugh's recognisances for £400 for the costs of the prosecution.
+
+Some, who have never read the Knowlton pamphlet, glibly denounce it as a
+filthy and obscene publication. The Lord Chief Justice of England and Mr.
+Justice Mellor, after reading it, decided to grant a writ which they had
+determined not to grant if the book had merely a veneer of science and
+was "calculated to arouse the passions". Christian bigotry has ever since
+1877 striven to confound our action with the action of men who sell filth
+for gain, but only the shameless can persist in so doing when their
+falsehoods are plainly exposed, as they are exposed here.
+
+The most touching letters from the poor came to us from all parts of the
+kingdom. One woman, who described herself as "very poor", and who had had
+thirteen children and was expecting another, wrote saying, "if you want
+money we will manage to send you my husband's pay one week". An army
+officer wrote thanking us, saying he had "a wife, seven children, and
+three servants to keep on 11s. 8d. a day; 5d. per head per diem keeps
+life in us. The rest for education and raiment." A physician wrote of his
+hospital experience, saying that it taught him that "less dangerous
+preventive checks to large families [than over-lactation] should be
+taught to the lower classes". Many clergymen wrote of their experience
+among the poor, and their joy that some attempt was being made to teach
+them how to avoid over-large families, and letter after letter came to me
+from poor curates' wives, thanking me for daring to publish information
+of such vital importance. In many places the poor people taxed themselves
+so much a week for the cost of the defence, because they could not afford
+any large sum at once.
+
+As soon as we were committed for trial, we resigned our posts on the
+Executive of the National Secular Society, feeling that we had no right
+to entangle the Society in a fight which it had not authorised us to
+carry on. We stated that we did not desire to relinquish our positions,
+"but we do desire that the members of the Executive shall feel free to
+act as they think wisest for the interest of Freethought". The letter was
+sent to the branches of the Society, and of the thirty-three who answered
+all, except Burnley and Nottingham, refused to accept our resignation. On
+the Executive a very clever attempt was made to place us in a difficult
+position by stating that the resignations were not accepted, but that, as
+we had resigned, and as the Council had no power to renew appointments
+made by the Conference, it could not invite us to resume our offices.
+This ingenious proposal was made by Mr. George Jacob Holyoake, who all
+through the trial did his best to injure us, apparently because he had
+himself sold the book long before we had done so, and was anxious to
+shield himself from condemnation by attacking us. His resolution was
+carried by five votes to two. Mr. Haines and Mr. Ramsey, detecting its
+maliciousness, voted against it. The votes of the Branches, of course,
+decided the question overwhelmingly in our favor, but we declined to sit
+on the Executive with such a resolution standing, and it was then
+carried--Mr. Holyoake and Mr. Watts only voting against--that "This
+Council acknowledge the consideration shown by Mr. Bradlaugh and Mrs.
+Besant for the public repute of the National Secular Society by tendering
+their resignations, and whilst disclaiming all responsibility for the
+book, 'Fruits of Philosophy', decline to accept such resignations". So
+thoroughly did we agree that the Society ought not to be held responsible
+for our action, that we published the statement: "The Freethought party
+is no more the endorser of our Malthusianism than it is of our
+Republicanism, or of our advocacy of Woman Suffrage, or of our support of
+the North in America, or of the part we take in French politics". I may
+add that at the Nottingham Conference Mr. Bradlaugh was re-elected
+President with only four dissentients, the party being practically
+unanimous in its determination to uphold a Free Press.
+
+The next stage of the prosecution was the seizure of our book packets and
+letters in the Post-office by the Tory Government. The "Freethinker's
+Text Book", the _National Reformer_, and various pamphlets were seized,
+as well as the "Fruits of Philosophy", and sealed letters were opened.
+Many meetings were held denouncing the revival of a system of Government
+_espionage_ which, it was supposed, had died out in England, and so great
+was the commotion raised that a stop was soon put to this form of
+Government theft, and we recovered the stolen property. On May 15th Mr.
+Edward Truelove was attacked for the publication of Robert Dale Owen's
+"Moral Physiology", and of a pamphlet entitled "Individual, Family, and
+National Poverty", and as both were pamphlets dealing with the Population
+Question, Mr. Truelove's case was included in the general defence.
+
+Among the witnesses we desired to subpoena was Charles Darwin, as we
+needed to use passages from his works; he wrote back a most interesting
+letter, telling us that he disagreed with preventive checks to population
+on the ground that over-multiplication was useful, since it caused a
+struggle for existence in which only the strongest and the ablest
+survived, and that he doubted whether it was possible for preventive
+checks to serve as well as positive. He asked us to avoid calling him if
+we could: "I have been for many years much out of health, and have been
+forced to give up all society or public meetings, and it would be great
+suffering to me to be a witness in court.... If it is not asking too
+great a favor, I should be greatly obliged if you would inform me what
+you decide, as apprehension of the coming exertion would prevent the rest
+which I require doing me much good." Needless to add that I at once wrote
+to Mr. Darwin that we would not call him, but his gentle courtesy has
+always remained a pleasant memory to me. Another kind act was that of the
+famous publisher, Mr. H.G. Bohn, who volunteered himself as a witness,
+and drew attention to the fact that every publisher of serious literature
+was imperilled by the attempt to establish a police censorship.
+
+The trial commenced on June 18th, in the Court of Queen's Bench at
+Westminster, before the Lord Chief Justice of England and a special jury.
+Sir Hardinge Giffard, the Solicitor-General of the Tory Government, Mr.
+Douglas Straight, and Mr. Mead, were the prosecuting counsel. The special
+jury consisted of the following: Alfred Upward, Augustus Voelcker,
+Captain Alfred Henry Waldy, Thomas Richard Walker, Robert Wallace, Edmund
+Waller, Arthur Walter, Charles Alfred Walter, John Ward, Arthur Warre;
+the two talesmen, who were afterwards added to make up the number, were
+George Skinner and Charles Wilson.
+
+The Solicitor-General made a bitter and violent speech, full of party
+hate and malice, endeavoring to prejudice the jury against the work by
+picking out bits of medical detail and making profuse apologies for
+reading them, and shuddering and casting up his eyes with all the skill
+of a finished actor. For a man accustomed to Old Bailey practice he was
+really marvellously easily shocked; a simple physiological fact brought
+him to the verge of tears, while the statement that people often had too
+large families covered him with such modest confusion that he found it
+hard to continue his address. It fell to my lot to open the defence, and
+to put the general line of argument by which we justified the
+publication; Mr. Bradlaugh dealt with the defence of the book as a
+medical work--until the Lord Chief Justice suggested that there was no
+"redundancy of details, or anything more than it is necessary for a
+medical man to know"--and strongly urged that the knowledge given by the
+pamphlet was absolutely necessary for the poor. We called as witnesses
+for the defence Miss Alice Vickery--the first lady who passed the
+examination of the Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain, and who has
+since passed the examinations qualifying her to act as a physician--Dr.
+Charles Drysdale, and Mr. H.G. Bohn. Dr. Drysdale bore witness to the
+medical value of the pamphlet, stating that "considering it was written
+forty years ago ... the writer must have been a profound student of
+physiology, and far advanced in the medical science of his time". "I have
+always considered it an excellent treatise, and I have found among my
+professional brethren that they have had nothing to say against it." Mr.
+Bohn bore witness that he had published books which "entirely covered
+your book, and gave a great deal more." Mr. Bradlaugh and myself then
+severally summed up our case, and the Solicitor-General made a speech for
+the prosecution very much of the character of his first one, doing all he
+could to inflame the minds of the jury against us. The Lord Chief
+Justice, to quote a morning paper, "summed up strongly for an acquittal".
+He said that "a more ill-advised and more injudicious proceeding in the
+way of a prosecution was probably never brought into a Court of Justice".
+He described us as "two enthusiasts, who have been actuated by the desire
+to do good in a particular department of Society". He bade the jury be
+careful "not to abridge the full and free right of public discussion, and
+the expression of public and private opinion on matters which are
+interesting to all, and materially affect the welfare of society." Then
+came an admirable statement of the law of population, and of his own view
+of the scope of the book which I present in full as our best
+justification.
+
+"The author, Doctor Knowlton, professes to deal with the subject of
+population. Now, a century ago a great and important question of
+political economy was brought to the attention of the scientific and
+thinking world by a man whose name everybody is acquainted with, namely,
+Malthus. He started for the first time a theory which astonished the
+world, though it is now accepted as an irrefragable truth, and has since
+been adopted by economist after economist. It is that population has a
+strong and marked tendency to increase faster than the means of
+subsistence afforded by the earth, or that the skill and industry of man
+can produce for the support of life. The consequence is that the
+population of a country necessarily includes a vast number of persons
+upon whom poverty presses with a heavy and sad hand. It is true that the
+effects of over-population are checked to a certain extent by those
+powerful agencies which have been at work since the beginning of the
+world. Great pestilences, famines, and wars have constantly swept away
+thousands from the face of the earth, who otherwise must have contributed
+to swell the numbers of mankind. The effect, however, of this tendency to
+increase faster than the means of subsistence, leads to still more
+serious evils amongst the poorer classes of society. It necessarily
+lowers the price of labor by reason of the supply exceeding the demand.
+It increases the dearth of provisions by making the demand greater than
+the supply, and produces direful consequences to a large class of persons
+who labor under the evils, physical and moral, of poverty. You find it,
+as described by a witness called yesterday, in the overcrowding of our
+cities and country villages, and the necessarily demoralising effects
+resulting from that over-crowding. You have heard of the way in which
+women--I mean child-bearing women--are destroyed by being obliged to
+submit to the necessities of their position before they are fully
+restored from the effects of child-birth, and the effects thus produced
+upon the children by disease and early death. That these are evils--evils
+which, if they could be prevented, it would be the first business of
+human charity to prevent--there cannot be any doubt. That the evils of
+over-population are real, and not imaginary, no one acquainted with the
+state of society in the present day can possibly deny. Malthus suggested,
+years ago, and his suggestion has been supported by economists since his
+time, that the only possible way of keeping down population was by
+retarding marriage to as late a period as possible, the argument being
+that the fewer the marriages the fewer would be the people. But another
+class of theorists say that that remedy is bad, and possibly worse than
+the disease, because, although you might delay marriage, you cannot
+restrain those instincts which are implanted in human nature, and people
+will have the gratification and satisfaction of passions powerfully
+implanted, if not in one way, in some other way. So you have the evils of
+prostitution substituted for the evils of over-population. Now, what says
+Dr. Knowlton? There being this choice of evils--there being this
+unquestioned evil of over-population which exists in a great part of the
+civilised world--is the remedy proposed by Malthus so doubtful that
+probably it would lead to greater evils than the one which it is intended
+to remedy? Dr. Knowlton suggests--and here we come to the critical point
+of this inquiry--he suggests that, instead of marriage being postponed,
+it shall be hastened. He suggests that marriage shall take place in the
+hey-day of life, when the passions are at their highest, and that the
+evils of over-population shall be remedied by persons, after they have
+married, having recourse to artificial means to prevent the procreation
+of a numerous offspring, and the consequent evils, especially to the
+poorer classes, which the production of a too numerous offspring is
+certain to bring about. Now, gentlemen, that is the scope of the book.
+With a view to make those to whom these remedies are suggested
+understand, appreciate, and be capable of applying them, he enters into
+details as to the physiological circumstances connected with the
+procreation of the species. The Solicitor-General says--and that was the
+first proposition with which he started--that the whole of this is a
+delusion and a sham. When Knowlton says that he wishes that marriage
+should take place as early as possible--marriage being the most sacred
+and holy of all human relations--he means nothing of the kind, but means
+and suggests, in the sacred name of marriage, illicit intercourse between
+the sexes, or a kind of prostitution. Now, gentlemen, whatever may be
+your opinion about the propositions contained in this work, when you come
+to weigh carefully the views of this undoubted physician and would-be
+philosopher, I think you will agree with me that to say that he meant to
+depreciate marriage for the sake of prostitution, and that all he says
+about marriage is only a disguise, and intended to impress upon the mind
+sentiments of an entirely different character for the gratification of
+passion, otherwise than by marriage, is a most unjust accusation.
+(Applause in court.) I must say that I believe that every word he says
+about marriage being a desirable institution, and every word he says with
+reference to the enjoyments and happiness it engenders, is said as
+honestly and truly as anything probably ever uttered by any man. I can
+only believe that when the Solicitor-General made that statement he had
+not half studied the book. But I pass that by. I come to the plain issue
+before you. Knowlton goes into physiological details connected with the
+functions of the generation and procreation of children. The principles
+of this pamphlet, with its details, are to be found in greater abundance
+and distinctness in numerous works to which your attention has been
+directed, and, having these details before you, you must judge for
+yourselves whether there is anything in them which is calculated to
+excite the passions of man and debase the public morals. If so, every
+medical work is open to the same imputation."
+
+The Lord Chief Justice then dealt with the question whether conjugal
+prudence was in itself immoral, and pointed out to the jury that the
+decision of this very serious question was in their hands:
+
+"A man and woman may say, 'We have more children than we can supply with
+the common necessaries of life: what are we to do? Let us have recourse
+to this contrivance.' Then, gentlemen, you should consider whether that
+particular course of proceeding is inconsistent with morality, whether it
+would have a tendency to degrade and deprave the man or woman. The
+Solicitor-General, while doubtless admitting the evils and mischiefs of
+excessive population, argues that the checks proposed are demoralising in
+their effects, and that it is better to bear the ills we have than have
+recourse to remedies having such demoralising results. These are
+questions for you, twelve thinking men, probably husbands and fathers of
+families, to consider and determine. That the defendants honestly believe
+that the evils that this work would remedy, arising from over-population
+and poverty, are so great that these checks may be resorted to as a
+remedy for the evils, and as bettering the condition of humanity,
+although there might be things to be avoided, if it were possible to
+avoid them, and yet remedy the evils which they are to prevent--that such
+is the honest opinion of the defendants, we, who have read the book, and
+who have heard what they have said, must do them the justice of
+believing. I agree with the Solicitor-General if, with a view to what is
+admitted to be a great good, they propose something to the world, and
+circulate it especially among the poorer classes, if they propose
+something inconsistent with public morals, and tending to destroy the
+domestic purity of women, that it is not because they do not see the
+evils of the latter, while they see the evils of the former, that they
+must escape; if so, they must abide the consequences of their actions,
+whatever may have been their motive. They say, 'We are entitled to submit
+to the consideration of the thinking portion of mankind the remedies
+which we propose for these evils. We have come forward to challenge the
+inquiry whether this is a book which we are entitled to publish.' They do
+it fairly, I must say, and in a very straightforward manner they come to
+demand the judgment of the proper tribunal. You must decide that with a
+due regard and reference to the law, and with an honest and determined
+desire to maintain the morals of mankind. But, on the other hand, you
+must carefully consider what is due to public discussion, and with an
+anxious desire not, from any prejudiced view of this subject, to stifle
+what may be a subject of legitimate inquiry. But there is another view of
+this subject, that Knowlton intended to reconcile with marriage the
+prevention of over-population. Upon the perusal of this work, I cannot
+bring myself to doubt that he honestly believed that the remedies he
+proposed were less evils than even celibacy or over-population on the one
+hand, or the prevention of marriage on the other hand--in that honesty of
+intention I entirely concur. But whether, in his desire to reconcile
+marriage with a check on over-population, he did not overlook one very
+important consideration connected with that part of society which should
+abuse it, is another and a very serious consideration."
+
+When the jury retired there was but one opinion in court, namely, that
+we had won our case. But they were absent for an hour and thirty-five
+minutes, and we learned afterwards that several were anxious to convict,
+not so much because of the book as because we were Freethinkers. At last
+they agreed to a compromise, and the verdict delivered was: "We are
+unanimously of opinion that the book in question is calculated to deprave
+public morals, but at the same time we entirely exonerate the defendants
+from any corrupt motives in publishing it."
+
+The Lord Chief Justice looked troubled, and said gravely that he would
+have to direct them to return a verdict of guilty on such a finding. The
+foreman, who was bitterly hostile, jumped at the chance without
+consulting his colleagues, some of whom had turned to leave the box, and
+thus snatched a technical verdict of "guilty" against us. Mr. George
+Skinner, of 27, Great Chapel Gate, Westminster, wrote to me on the
+following day to say that six of the jurymen did not consent to the
+verdict of "guilty", and that they had agreed that if the judge would not
+accept the verdict as handed in they would then retire again, and that
+they would never have given a verdict of guilty; but the stupid men had
+not the sense to speak out at the right time, and their foreman had his
+way. The Lord Chief Justice at once set us free to come up for judgment
+on that day week, June 28th--the trial had lasted till the 21st--and we
+went away on the same recognizances given before by Mr. Bradlaugh, an
+absolutely unprecedented courtesy to two technically "convicted
+prisoners".[1]
+
+[Footnote 1: A Report of the Trial can be obtained from the Freethought
+Publishing Company, price 5s. It contains an exact report of all that was
+said and done.]
+
+
+
+XVI.
+
+
+The week which intervened between the verdict of the jury and the day on
+which we were ordered to appear in Court to receive sentence was spent by
+us in arranging all our affairs, and putting everything in train for our
+anticipated absence. One serious question had to be settled, but it did
+not need long consideration. What were we to do about the Knowlton
+pamphlet? We promptly decided to ignore the verdict and to continue the
+sale. Recognising that the fact of this continued sale would be brought
+up against us in Court and would probably seriously increase our
+sentence, we none the less considered that as we had commenced the fight
+we were bound to maintain it, and we went on with the sale as before.
+
+On June 28th we attended the Court of Queen's Bench to receive judgment,
+the Lord Chief Justice and Mr. Justice Mellor being on the Bench. We
+moved to quash the indictment, on arrest of judgment, and for a new
+trial, the first on the ground that the indictment did not set out the
+words complained of. The judges were against us on this, but it is
+interesting to note that the Lord Chief Justice remarked that "the
+language of the book is not open to any particular objection". I argued
+that the jury, having exonerated us from any corrupt motive, could not be
+regarded as having found us guilty on an indictment which charged us with
+a corrupt motive: the Lord Chief Justice held that "in the unnecessary
+and superfluous part of the indictment, there is no judgment against
+you", and refused to believe that anyone would be found afterwards so
+base as to accuse us of evil intent, because of the formal words of the
+indictment, the jury having acquitted us of any corrupt intention. The
+judge unfortunately imputed to others his own uprightness, and we have
+found many--among them Sir W.T. Charley, the present Common Sergeant--
+vile enough to declare what he thought impossible, that we were found
+guilty of wilfully corrupting the morals of the people. The judges
+decided against us on all the points raised, but it is due to them to say
+that in refusing to quash the indictment, as Mr. Bradlaugh asked, they
+were misled by the misrepresentation of an American case by Sir Hardinge
+Giffard, and, to quote the words of the Lord Chief Justice, they
+sheltered themselves "under the decisions of the American Courts, and
+left this matter to be carefully gone into by the Court of Error".
+
+The question of sentence then arose, and two affidavits were put in, one
+by a reporter of the _Morning Advertiser_, named Lysaght. This individual
+published in the _Advertiser_ a very garbled report of a meeting at the
+Hall of Science on the previous Sunday, evidently written to anger the
+Lord Chief Justice, and used by Sir Hardinge Giffard with the same
+object. In one thing, however, it was accurate, and that was in stating
+that we announced our intention to continue the sale of the book. On this
+arose an argument with the Lord Chief Justice; he pointed out that we did
+not deny that the circulation of the book was going on, and we assented
+that it was so. It was almost pathetic to see the judge, angry at our
+resolution, unwilling to sentence us, but determined to vindicate the law
+he administered. "The question is," he urged, "what is to be the future
+course of your conduct? The jury have acquitted you of any intention to
+deliberately violate the law; and that, although you did publish this
+book, which was a book that ought not to have been published, you were
+not conscious of the effect it might have, and had no intention to
+violate the law. That would induce the Court, if it saw a ready
+submission on your part, to deal with the case in a very lenient way. The
+jury having found that it was a violation of the law, but with a good
+motive or through ignorance, the Court, in awarding punishment upon such
+a state of things, would, of course, be disposed to take a most indulgent
+view of the matter. But if the law has been openly set at defiance, the
+matter assumes a very different aspect, and it must be dealt with as a
+very grave and aggravated case." We could not, however, pledge ourselves
+to do anything more than stop the sale pending the appeal on the writ of
+error which we had resolved to go for. "Have you anything to say in
+mitigation?" was the judge's last appeal; but Mr. Bradlaugh answered: "I
+respectfully submit myself to the sentence of the Court"; and I: "I have
+nothing to say in mitigation of punishment".
+
+The sentence and the reason for its heavy character have been so
+misrepresented, that I print here, from the shorthand report taken at the
+time, the account of what passed:--
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, after having conferred for some minutes with Mr.
+Justice Mellor, said: The case has now assumed a character of very, very
+grave importance. We were prepared, if the defendants had announced
+openly in this Court that having acted in error as the jury found--of
+which finding I think they are entitled to the benefit--but still having
+been, after a fair and impartial trial, found by the jury guilty of doing
+of that which was an offence against the law, they were ready to submit
+to the law and to do everything in their power to prevent the further
+publication and circulation of a work which has been declared by the jury
+to be a work calculated to deprave public morals, we should have been
+prepared to discharge them on their own recognizances to be of good
+behavior in the future. But we cannot help seeing in what has been said
+and done pending this trial, and since the verdict of the jury was
+pronounced, that the defendants, instead of submitting themselves to the
+law, have set it at defiance by continuing to circulate this book. That
+being so I must say that that which before was an offence of a
+comparatively slight character--looking to what the jury have found in
+reference to the contention of the defendants--now assumes the form of a
+most grave and aggravated offence, and as such we must deal with it. The
+sentence is that you, Charles Bradlaugh, and you, Annie Besant, be
+imprisoned for the term of six calendar months; that you each pay a fine
+of £200 to the Queen; and that you enter further into your own
+recognizances in a sum of £500 each to be of good behavior for the term
+of two years; and I tell you at the same time that you will not be of
+'good behavior' and will be liable to forfeit that sum if you continue to
+publish this book. No persuasion or conviction on your part that you are
+doing that which is morally justifiable can possibly warrant you in
+violating the law or excuse you in doing so. No one is above the law; all
+owe obedience to the law from the highest to the lowest, and if you
+choose to set yourself at defiance against the law--to break it and defy
+it--you must expect to be dealt with accordingly. I am very sorry indeed
+that such should be the result, but it is owing to your being thus
+contumacious, notwithstanding that you have had a fair trial, and the
+verdict of a competent jury, which ought to have satisfied you that you
+ought to abstain from doing what has been clearly demonstrated and shown
+to be wrong.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Would your lordship entertain an application to stay
+execution of the sentence?
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: Certainly not. On consideration, if you will
+pledge yourselves unreservedly that there shall be no repetition of the
+publication of the book, at all events, until the Court of Appeal shall
+have decided contrary to the verdict of the jury and our judgment; if we
+can have that positive pledge, and you will enter into your recognizances
+that you will not avail yourselves of the liberty we extend to continue
+the publication of this book, which it is our bounden duty to suppress,
+or do our utmost to suppress, we may stay execution; but we can show no
+indulgence without such a pledge.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: My lord, I meant to offer that pledge in the fullest and
+most unreserved sense, because, although I have my own view as to what is
+right, I also recognise that the law having pronounced sentence, that is
+quite another matter so far as I, as a citizen, am concerned. I do not
+wish to ask your lordship for a favor without yielding to the Court
+during the time that I take advantage of its indulgence.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: I wish you had taken this position sooner.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: If the sentence goes against us, it is another matter;
+but if you should consent to give us time for the argument of this writ
+of error, we would bind ourselves during that time. I should not like
+your lordship to be induced to grant this request on the understanding
+that in the event of the ultimate decision being against me I should feel
+bound by that pledge.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: I must do you the justice to say that throughout
+the whole of this battle our conduct has been straightforward since you
+took it up.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: I would not like your lordship to think that, in the
+event of the ultimate decision being against us, there was any sort of
+pledge. I simply meant that the law having pronounced against us, if your
+lordship gives us the indulgence of fighting it in the higher Court, no
+sort of direct or indirect advantage shall be taken of the indulgence.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: You will not continue the publication?
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Not only will I stop the circulation of the book myself,
+but I will do all in my power to prevent other people circulating it.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: Then you can be discharged on your own
+recognizances for £100, 'to be of good behavior,' which you will
+understand to mean, that you will desist from the publication of this
+work until your appeal shall have been heard, and will engage to
+prosecute the appeal without delay.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Certainly; until the present, I have undoubtedly
+circulated the book. Although there is a blunder in the affidavits I do
+not disguise the matter of fact. I shall immediately put the thing under
+my own control, and I will at once lock up every copy in existence, and
+will not circulate another copy until the appeal is decided.
+
+"Mr. JUSTICE MELLOR: It must be that you will really, to the best of your
+ability, prevent the circulation of this book until this matter has been
+determined.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: And what Mr. Bradlaugh says, I understand that
+you, Mrs. Besant, also assent to?
+
+"Mrs. BESANT: Yes: that is my pledge until the writ of error has been
+decided. I do not want to give a pledge which you may think was not given
+honestly. I will give my pledge, but it must be understood that the
+promise goes no further than that decision.
+
+"Mr. JUSTICE MELLOR: You will abstain yourself from circulating the book,
+and, so far as you can, suppress its circulation?
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Every copy that is unsold shall be at once put under lock
+and key until the decision of the case.
+
+"The SOLICITOR-GENERAL: My lord, I think there should be no
+misunderstanding upon this; I understand that the defendants have
+undertaken that during the pendency of the appeal this book shall not be
+circulated at all. But if the decision should be against them they are
+under no pledge not to publish.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: I hope your lordship will not ask us what we shall do in
+future.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: We have meted out the amount of punishment upon
+the assumption--there being no assertion to the contrary, but rather an
+admission--that they do intend to set the law at defiance. If we had
+understood that they were prepared to submit themselves to the law, we
+should have been disposed to deal with them in the most indulgent manner;
+but as we understood that they did not intend this, we have meted out to
+them such a punishment as we hope, when undergone, will have a deterrent
+effect upon them, and may prevent other people offending in like manner.
+We have nothing to do with what may happen after the defendants obtain a
+judgment in their favor, if they do so, or after the sentence is carried
+out, if they do not. Our sentence is passed, and it will stand, subject
+only to this, that we stay execution until a writ of error may be
+disposed of, the defendants giving the most unqualified and unreserved
+pledge that they will not allow another copy of the book to be sold.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Quite so, my lord; quite so."
+
+We were then taken into custody, and went down to the Crown Office to get
+the form for the recognizances, the amount of which, £100, after such a
+sentence, was a fair proof of the view of the Court as to our good faith
+in the whole matter. As a married woman, I was unable to give
+recognizances, being only a chattel, not a person cognisable by law; the
+Court mercifully ignored this--or I should have had to go to prison--and
+accepted Mr. Bradlaugh's sole recognizance as covering us both. It
+further inserted in the sentence that we were "to be placed in the First
+Class of Misdemeanants", but as the sentence was never executed, we did
+not profit by this alleviation.
+
+The rest of the story of the Knowlton pamphlet is soon told. We appeared
+in the Court of Appeal on January 29th, 30th, and 31st, 1878. Mr.
+Bradlaugh argued the case, I only making a brief speech, and on February
+12th the Court, composed of Lords Justices Bramwell, Brett, and Cotton,
+gave judgment in our favor and quashed the indictment. Thus we triumphed
+all along the line; the jury acquitted us of all evil motive, and left us
+morally unstained; the Court of Appeal quashed the indictment, and set us
+legally free. None the less have the ignorant, the malicious, and the
+brutal, used this trial and sentence against us as a proof of moral
+obliquity, and have branded us as "vendors of obscene books" on this sole
+ground.
+
+With the decision of the Court of Appeal our pledge not to sell the
+Knowlton pamphlet came to an end, and we at once recommenced the sale.
+The determination we came to was announced in the _National Reformer_ of
+March 3rd, and I reprint here the statement I wrote at the time in Mr.
+Bradlaugh's name as well as my own.
+
+"THE PLAN OF THE CAMPAIGN.
+
+"The first pitched battle of the new campaign for the Liberty of the
+Press has, as all our readers know, ended in the entire defeat of the
+attacking army, and in the recapture of the position originally lost.
+There is no conviction--of ours--registered against the Knowlton
+Pamphlet, the whole of the proceedings having been swept away; and the
+prosecutors are left with a large sum out of pocket, and no one any the
+worse for all their efforts. The banker's account of the unknown
+prosecutor shows a long and melancholy catalogue of expenses, and there
+is no glory and no success to balance them on the other side of the
+ledger. On the contrary, our prosecutors have advertised the attacked
+pamphlet, and circulated it by thousands and by hundreds of thousands;
+they have caused it to be reprinted in Holland and in America, and have
+spread it over India, Australia, New Zealand, and the whole continent of
+Europe; they have caused the Population Question to be discussed, both at
+home and abroad, in the press and in the public meeting; they have
+crammed the largest halls in England and Scotland to listen to the
+preaching of Malthusianism; they have induced the publication of a modern
+pamphlet on the question which is selling by thousands; they have
+enormously increased the popularity of the defendants, and made new
+friends for them in every class of society; in the end, Knowlton is being
+circulated as vigorously as ever, and since the case was decided more
+copies have been sold than would have been disposed of in ten years at
+the old rate of sale. Truly, our prosecutors must feel delighted at the
+results of their labors.
+
+"So much for the past: what as to the future? Some, fancying we should
+act as they themselves would do under the like circumstances, dream that
+we shall now give way. We have not the smallest intention of doing
+anything of the kind. We said, nearly a year ago, that so long as
+Knowlton was prosecuted we should persist in selling him; we repeated the
+same determination in Court, and received for it a heavy sentence; we
+repeat the same to-day, in spite of the injudicious threat of Lord
+Justice Brett. Before we went up for judgment in the Court of Appeal we
+had made all preparations for the renewal of the struggle; parcels were
+ready to be forwarded to friends who had volunteered to sell in various
+towns; if we had gone to jail from the Court these would at once have
+been sent; as we won our case, they were sent just the same. On the
+following day orders were given to tell any wholesale agents who inquired
+that the book was again on sale, and the bills at 28, Stonecutter Street,
+announcing the suspension, of the sale, were taken down; from that day
+forward all orders received have been punctually attended to, and the
+sale has been both rapid and steady. There is, however, one difference
+between the sale of Knowlton and that of our other literature: Knowlton
+is not sold across the counter at Stonecutter Street. When we were
+arrested in April 1877, we stopped the sale across counter, and we do
+not, at present, intend to recommence it. Our reason is very simple. The
+sale across counter does not, in any fashion, cause us any additional
+risk; the danger of it falls entirely on Mr. Ramsey and on Mr. and Mrs.
+Norrish; we fail to see that there is any courage in running other people
+into danger, and we prefer, therefore, to take the risk on ourselves. We
+do not intend to go down again and personally sell behind the counter; we
+thought it right to challenge a prosecution once, but, having done so, we
+intend now to go quietly on our ordinary way of business, and wait for
+any attack that may come.
+
+"Meanwhile, we are not only selling the 'Fruits of Philosophy', but we
+also are striving to gain the legal right to do so. In the appeal from
+Mr. Vaughan's decision Mr. Bradlaugh again raises all the disputed
+questions, and that appeal will be argued as persistently as was the one
+just decided in our favor. We are also making efforts to obtain an
+alteration of the law of libel, and we hope soon to be able to announce
+the exact terms of the proposed Bill.
+
+"My own pamphlet, on 'The Law of Population', is another effort in the
+same direction. At our trial the Lord Chief Justice said, that it was the
+advocacy of the preventive checks which was the assailable part of
+Knowlton; that advocacy is strongly and clearly to be found in the new
+pamphlet, together with facts useful to mothers, as to the physical
+injury caused by over-rapid child-bearing, which Knowlton did not give.
+The pamphlet has the advantage of being written fifty years later than
+the 'Fruits of Philosophy', and is more suitable, therefore, for
+circulation at the present day. We hope that it may gradually replace
+Knowlton as a manual for the poor. While we shall continue to print and
+sell Knowlton as long as any attempt is made to suppress it, we hope that
+the more modern pamphlet may gradually supersede the old one.
+
+"If another prosecution should be instituted against us, our prosecutors
+would have a far harder task before them than they had last time. In the
+first place, they would be compelled to state, clearly and definitely,
+what it is to which they object; and we should, therefore, be able to
+bring our whole strength to bear on the assailed point. In the second
+place, they would have to find a jury who would be ready to convict, and
+after the full discussion of the question which has taken place the
+finding of such a jury would be by no means an easy thing to do. Lastly,
+they must be quite sure not to make any legal blunders, for they may be
+sure that such sins will find them out. Perhaps, on the whole, they had
+better leave us alone.
+
+"I believe that our readers will be glad to have this statement of our
+action, and this assurance that we feel as certain of winning the battle
+of a Free Press as when we began it a year ago, and that our
+determination is as unwavering as when Serjeant Outram arrested us in the
+spring of last year.--ANNIE BESANT."
+
+Several purchases were made from us by detectives, and we were more than
+once threatened with prosecution. At last evidence for a new prosecution
+was laid before the Home Office, and the Government declined to institute
+fresh proceedings or to have anything more to do with the matter. The
+battle was won. As soon as we were informed of this decision, we decided
+to sell only the copies we had in stock, and not to further reprint the
+pamphlet. Out-of-date as was much of its physiology, it was defended as a
+symbol, not for its intrinsic worth. We issued a circular stating that--
+
+"The Knowlton pamphlet is now entirely out of print, and, 185,000 having
+been printed, the Freethought Publishing Company do not intend to
+continue the publication, which has never at any time been advertised by
+them except on the original issue to test the question. 'The Law of
+Population', price 6d., post free 8d., has been specially written by Mrs.
+Besant to supersede the Knowlton pamphlet."
+
+Thus ended a prolonged resistance to an unfair attempt to stifle
+discussion, and, much as I have suffered in consequence of the part I
+took in that fight, I have never once regretted that battle for the
+saving of the poor.
+
+In July, 1877, a side-quarrel on the pamphlet begun which lasted until
+December 3rd, 1878, and was fought through court after court right out to
+a successful issue. We had avoided a seizure warrant by removing all our
+stock from 28, Stonecutter Street, but 657 of the pamphlets had been
+seized at Mr. Truelove's, in Holborn, and that gentleman was also
+proceeded against for selling the work. The summons for selling was
+withdrawn, and Mr. Bradlaugh succeeded in having his name and mine
+inserted as owners of the books in the summons for their destruction. The
+books remained in the custody of the magistrate until after the decision
+of the Court of Queen's Bench, and on February 12th, 1878, Mr. Bradlaugh
+appeared before Mr. Vaughan at Bow Street, and claimed that the books
+should be restored to him. Mr. Collette, of the Vice Society, argued on
+the other hand that the books were obscene, and ought therefore to be
+destroyed. Mr. Vaughan reserved his decision, and asked for the Lord
+Chief Justice's summing-up in the Queen _v._ Bradlaugh and Besant. On
+February 19th he made an order for the destruction of the pamphlets,
+against which Mr. Bradlaugh appealed to the General Sessions on the
+following grounds:
+
+"1st. That the said book is not an obscene book within the meaning of the
+20th and 21st Victoria, cap. 83. 2nd. That the said book is a scientific
+treatise on the law of population and its connexion with poverty, and
+that there is nothing in the book which is not necessary and legitimate
+in the description of the question. 3rd. That the advocacy of
+non-life-destroying checks to population is not an offence either at
+common law or by statute, and that the manner in which that advocacy is
+raised in the said book, 'The Fruits of Philosophy', is not such as makes
+it an indictable offence. 4th. That the discussion and recommendation of
+checks to over-population after marriage is perfectly lawful, and that
+there is in the advocacy and recommendations contained in the book
+'Fruits of Philosophy' nothing that is prurient or calculated to inflame
+the passions. 5th. That the physiological information in the said book is
+such as is absolutely necessary for understanding the subjects treated,
+and such information is more fully given in Carpenter's treatises on
+Physiology, and Kirke's 'Handbook of Physiology', which later works are
+used for the instruction of the young under Government sanction. 6th.
+That the whole of the physiological information contained in the said
+book, 'The Fruits of Philosophy', has been published uninterruptedly for
+fifty years, and still is published in dear books, and that the
+publication of such information in a cheap form cannot constitute an
+offence."
+
+After a long argument before Mr. Edlin and a number of other Middlesex
+magistrates, the Bench affirmed Mr. Vaughan's order, whereupon Mr.
+Bradlaugh promptly obtained from the Lord Chief Justice and Mr. Justice
+Mellor a writ of _certiorari_, removing their order to the Queen's Bench
+Division of the High Court of Justice with a view to quashing it. The
+matter was not argued until the following November, on the 9th of which
+month it came on before Mr. Justice Mellor and Mr. Justice Field. The
+Court decided in Mr. Bradlaugh's favor and granted a rule quashing Mr.
+Vaughan's order, and with this fell the order of the Middlesex
+magistrates. The next thing was to recover the pamphlets thus rescued
+from destruction, and on December 3rd Mr. Bradlaugh appeared before Mr.
+Vaughan at Bow Street in support of a summons against Mr. Henry Wood, a
+police inspector, for detaining 657 copies of the "Fruits of Philosophy".
+After a long argument Mr. Vaughan ordered the pamphlets to be given up to
+him, and he carried them off in triumph, there and then, on a cab. We
+labelled the rescued pamphlets and sold every one of them, in mocking
+defiance of the Vice Society.
+
+The circulation of literature advocating prudential checks to population
+was not stopped during the temporary suspension of the sale of the
+Knowlton pamphlet between June, 1877, and February, 1878. In October,
+1877, I commenced in the _National Reformer_ the publication of a
+pamphlet entitled: "The Law of Population, its consequences, and its
+bearing upon human conduct and morals". This little book included a
+statement of the law, evidence of the serious suffering among the poor
+caused by over-large families, and a clear statement of the checks
+proposed, with arguments in their favor. The medical parts were omitted
+in the _National Reformer_ articles, and the pamphlet was published
+complete early in November, at the price of sixpence--the same as
+Knowlton's--the first edition consisting of 5,000 copies. A second
+edition of 5,000 was issued in December, but all the succeeding editions
+were of 10,000 copies each. The pamphlet is now in its ninetieth
+thousand, and has gone all over the civilised world. It has been
+translated into Swedish, Danish, Dutch, French, German, and Italian, and
+110,000 copies have been sold of an American reprint. On the whole, the
+prosecution of 1877 did not do much in stopping the circulation of
+literature on the Population Question.
+
+The "Law" has been several times threatened with prosecution, and the
+initial steps have been taken, but the stage of issuing a warrant for its
+seizure has never yet been reached. Twice I have had the stock removed to
+avoid seizure, but on each occasion the heart of the prosecutors has
+failed them, and the little book has carried its message of mercy
+unspeeded by the advertisement of prosecution.
+
+The struggle on the right to discuss the prudential restraint of
+population did not, however, conclude without a martyr. Mr. Edward
+Truelove, alluded to above, was prosecuted for selling a treatise by
+Robert Dale Owen on "Moral Physiology", and a pamphlet entitled,
+"Individual, Family, and National Poverty". He was tried on February 1st,
+1878, before the Lord Chief Justice in the Court of Queen's Bench, and
+was most ably defended by Professor W.A. Hunter. The jury spent two hours
+in considering their verdict, and then returned into Court and stated
+that they were unable to agree. The majority of the jury were ready to
+convict, if they felt sure that Mr. Truelove would not be punished, but
+one of them boldly declared in Court: "As to the book, it is written in
+plain language for plain people, and I think that many more persons ought
+to know what the contents of the book are". The jury was discharged, in
+consequence of this one man's courage, but Mr. Truelove's persecutors--
+the wretched Vice Society--were determined not to let their victim free.
+They proceeded to trial a second time, and wisely endeavored to secure a
+special jury, feeling that as prudential restraint would raise wages by
+limiting the supply of labor, they would be more likely to obtain a
+verdict from a jury of "gentlemen" than from one composed of workers.
+This attempt was circumvented by Mr. Truelove's legal advisers, who let a
+_procedendo_ go which sent back the trial to the Old Bailey. The second
+trial was held on May 16th at the Central Criminal Court before Baron
+Pollock and a common jury, Professor Hunter and Mr. J.M. Davidson
+appearing for the defence. The jury convicted, and the brave old man,
+sixty-eight years of age, was condemned to four months' imprisonment and
+£50 fine for selling a pamphlet which had been sold unchallenged, during
+a period of forty-five years, by James Watson, George Jacob Holyoake,
+Austin Holyoake, and Charles Watts. Mr. Grain, the counsel employed by
+the Vice Society, most unfairly used against Mr. Truelove my "Law of
+Population", a pamphlet which contained, Baron Pollock said, "the head
+and front of the offence in the other [the Knowlton] case". I find an
+indignant protest against this odious unfairness in the _National
+Reformer_ for May 19th: "'My Law of Population' was used against Mr.
+Truelove as an aggravation of his offence; passing over the utter
+meanness--worthy only of Collette--of using against a prisoner a book
+whose author has never been attacked for writing it--does Mr. Collette,
+or do the authorities, imagine that the severity shown to Mr. Truelove
+will in any fashion deter me from continuing the Malthusian propaganda?
+Let me here assure them, one and all, that it will do nothing of the
+kind; I shall continue to sell the 'Law of Population' and to advocate
+scientific checks to population, just as though Mr. Collette and his Vice
+Society were all dead and buried. In commonest justice they are bound to
+prosecute me, and if they get, and keep, a verdict against me, and
+succeed in sending me to prison, they will only make people more anxious
+to read my book, and make me more personally powerful as a teacher of the
+views which they attack."
+
+A persistent attempt was made to obtain a writ of error in Mr. Truelove's
+case, but the Tory Attorney-General, Sir John Holker, refused it,
+although the ground on which it was asked was one of the grounds on which
+a similar writ had been granted to Mr. Bradlaugh and myself. Mr. Truelove
+was therefore compelled to suffer his sentence, but memorials, signed by
+11,000 persons, asking for his release, were sent to the Home Secretary
+from every part of the country, and a crowded meeting in St. James' Hall,
+London, demanded his liberation with only six dissentients. The whole
+agitation did not shorten Mr. Truelove's sentence by a single day, and he
+was not released from Coldbath Fields' Prison until September 5th. On the
+12th of the same month the Hall of Science was crowded with enthusiastic
+friends, who assembled to do him honor, and he was presented with a
+beautifully-illuminated address and a purse containing £177 (subsequent
+subscriptions raised the amount to £197 16s. 6d.).
+
+It is scarcely necessary to say that one of the results of the
+prosecution was a great agitation throughout the country, and a wide
+popularisation of Malthusian views. Some huge demonstrations were held in
+favor of free discussion; on one occasion the Free Trade Hall,
+Manchester, was crowded to the doors; on another the Star Music Hall,
+Bradford, was crammed in every corner; on another the Town Hall,
+Birmingham, had not a seat or a bit of standing-room unoccupied. Wherever
+we went, separately or together, it was the same story, and not only were
+Malthusian lectures eagerly attended, and Malthusian literature eagerly
+bought, but curiosity brought many to listen to our Radical and
+Freethought lectures, and thousands heard for the first time what
+Secularism really meant.
+
+The press, both London and provincial, agreed in branding the prosecution
+as foolish, and it was widely remarked that it resulted only in the wider
+circulation of the indicted book, and the increased popularity of those
+who had stood for the right of publication. The furious attacks since
+made upon us have been made chiefly by those who differ from us in
+theological creed, and who have found a misrepresentation of our
+prosecution served them as a convenient weapon of attack. During the last
+few years public opinion has been gradually coming round to our side, in
+consequence of the pressure of poverty resulting from widespread
+depression of trade, and during the sensation caused in 1884 by "The
+Bitter Cry of Outcast London", many writers in the _Daily News_--notably
+Mr. G.R. Sims--boldly alleged that the distress was to a great extent due
+to the large families of the poor, and mentioned that we had been
+prosecuted for giving the very knowledge which would bring salvation to
+the sufferers in our great cities.
+
+Among the useful results of the prosecution was the establishment of the
+Malthusian League, "to agitate for the abolition of all penalties on the
+public discussion of the population question", and "to spread among the
+people, by all practicable means, a knowledge of the law of population,
+of its consequences, and of its bearing upon human conduct and morals".
+The first general meeting of the League was held at the Hall of Science
+on July 26th, 1877, and a council of twenty persons was elected, and this
+Council on August 2nd elected Dr. C.R. Drysdale, M.D. President, Mr.
+Swaagman Treasurer, Mrs. Besant Secretary, Mr. Shearer Assistant
+Secretary, and Mr. Hember Financial Secretary. Since 1877 the League,
+under the same indefatigable president, has worked hard to carry out its
+objects; it has issued a large number of leaflets and tracts; it supports
+a monthly journal, the _Malthusian_; numerous lectures have been
+delivered under its auspices in all parts of the country; and it has now
+a medical branch, into which none but duly qualified medical men and
+women are admitted, with members in all European countries.
+
+Another result of the prosecution was the accession of "D." to the staff
+of the _National Reformer_. This able and thoughtful writer came forward
+and joined our ranks as soon as he heard of the attack on us, and he
+further volunteered to conduct the journal during our imprisonment. From
+that time to this--a period of eight years--articles from his pen have
+appeared in our columns week by week, and during all that time not one
+solitary difficulty has arisen between editors and contributor. In public
+a trustworthy colleague, in private a warm and sincere friend, "D." has
+proved an unmixed benefit bestowed upon us by the prosecution.
+
+Nor was "D." the only friend brought to us by our foes. I cannot ever
+think of that time without remembering that the prosecution brought me
+first into close intimacy with Mrs. Annie Parris--the wife of Mr. Touzeau
+Parris, the Secretary of the Defence Committee throughout all the fight--
+a lady who, during that long struggle, and during the, for me, far worse
+struggle that succeeded it, over the custody of my daughter, proved to me
+the most loving and sisterly of friends. One or two other friendships
+which will, I hope, last my life, date from that same time of strife and
+anxiety.
+
+The amount of money subscribed by the public during the Knowlton and
+succeeding prosecutions gives some idea of the interest felt in the
+struggle. The Defence Fund Committee in March, 1878, presented a
+balance-sheet, showing subscriptions amounting to £1,292 5s. 4d., and
+total expenditure in the Queen _v._ Bradlaugh and Besant, the Queen _v._
+Truelove, and the appeal against Mr. Vaughan's order (the last two up to
+date) of £1,274 10s. This account was then closed and the balance of £17
+15s. 4d. passed on to a new Fund for the defence of Mr. Truelove, the
+carrying on of the appeal against the destruction of the Knowlton
+pamphlet, and the bearing of the costs incident on the petition lodged
+against myself. In July this new fund had reached £196 16s. 7d., and
+after paying the remainder of the costs in Mr. Truelove case, a balance
+of £26 15s. 2d. was carried on. This again rose to £247 15s. 2-1/2d., and
+the fund bore the expenses of Mr. Bradlaugh's successful appeal on the
+Knowlton pamphlet, the petition and subsequent proceedings in which I was
+concerned in the Court of Chancery, and an appeal on Mr. Truelove's
+behalf, unfortunately unsuccessful, against an order for the destruction
+of the Dale Owen pamphlet. This last decision was given on February 21st,
+1880, and on this the Defence Fund was closed. On Mr. Truelove's release,
+as mentioned above, a testimonial to the amount of £197 16s. 6d. was
+presented to him, and after the close of the struggle some anonymous
+friend sent to me personally £200 as "thanks for the courage and ability
+shown". In addition to all this, the Malthusian League received no less
+than £455 11s. 9d. during the first year of its life, and started on its
+second year with a balance in hand of £77 5s. 8d.
+
+The propaganda of Freethought was not forgotten while this Malthusian
+quarrel was raging, and in August 1877 the Freethought Publishing Company
+issued the first English edition of lectures by Colonel Robert Ingersoll,
+the eminent Freethought advocate of the United States. Since that time
+various other publishers have circulated thousands of his lectures, but
+it has always been to me a matter of satisfaction that we were the first
+to popularise the eloquent American in England. The ruling of the Lord
+Chief Justice that a book written with pure intention and meant to convey
+useful knowledge might yet be obscene, drew from me a pamphlet entitled,
+"Is the Bible Indictable?", in which I showed that the Bible came clearly
+within the judge's ruling. This turning of the tables on our persecutors
+caused considerable sensation at the time, and the pamphlet had, and
+still has, a very wide circulation. It is needless to add that the Sunday
+Freethought lectures were carried on despite the legal toils of the week,
+and, as said above, the large audiences attracted by the prosecution gave
+a splendid field for the inculcation of Freethought views. The National
+Secular Society consequently increased largely in membership, and a
+general impulse towards Freethought was manifest throughout the land.
+
+The year 1878, so far as lecturing work was concerned, was largely taken
+up with a crusade against the Beaconsfield Government and in favor of
+peace. Lord Beaconsfield's hired roughs broke up several peace meetings
+during the winter, and on February 24th Mr. Bradlaugh and Mr. Auberon
+Herbert, at the request of a meeting of working-class delegates, held in
+Hyde Park a "Demonstration in favor of Peace". The war party attacked the
+meeting and some sharp fighting took place, but a resolution "That this
+meeting declares in favor of peace" was carried despite them. A second
+meeting was called by the Working Men's Committee for March 10th, and a
+large force of medical students, roughs, militia-men, and "gentlemen",
+armed with loaded bludgeons, heavy pieces of iron, sticks with metal
+twisted round them, and various sharp-cutting weapons, went to Hyde Park
+to make a riot. The meeting was held and the resolution carried, but
+after it had dissolved there was some furious fighting. We learned
+afterwards that a large money reward had been offered to a band of roughs
+if they would disable Mr. Bradlaugh, and a violent organised attack was
+made on him. The stewards of the meeting carried short policemen's
+truncheons to defend themselves, and a number of these gathered round
+their chief and saved his life. He and his friends had to fight their way
+out of the park; a man, armed with some sharp instrument, struck at Mr.
+Bradlaugh from behind, and cut one side of his hat from top to brim; his
+truncheon was dinted with the jagged iron used as weapon; and his left
+arm, with which he guarded his head, was one mass of bruises from wrist
+to elbow. Lord Beaconsfield's friends very nearly succeeded in their
+attempt at murder, after all, for a dangerous attack of erysipelas set
+in, in the injured arm, and confined Mr. Bradlaugh to his room for
+sixteen days.
+
+The provinces were far more strongly against war than was the capital,
+and in them we held many large and enthusiastic meetings in favor of
+peace. At Huddersfield the great Drill Hall was crammed for a lecture by
+me against war, and throughout Yorkshire and Lancashire scarcely a voice
+was ever raised in crowded meetings in defence of the Beaconsfieldian
+policy. A leaflet of mine, entitled "Rushing into War", was reprinted in
+various parts of the country, and was circulated in tens of thousands,
+and each Freethought leader worked with tongue and pen, on platform and
+in press, to turn the public feeling against war. The Freethought party
+may well take credit to itself for having been first in the field against
+the Tory policy, and for having successfully begun the work later carried
+on by Mr. Gladstone in his Midlothian campaign. They did more than any
+other party in the country to create that force of public opinion which
+overthrew the Tory Government in 1880.
+
+
+
+XVII.
+
+
+The year 1878 was a dark one for me; it saw me deprived of my little
+daughter, despite the deed of separation by which the custody of the
+child had been assigned to me. The first notice that an application was
+to be made to the High Court of Chancery to deprive me of this custody
+reached me in January, 1878, while the decision on the Knowlton case was
+still pending, but the petition was not filed till April. The time was
+ill-chosen; Mabel had caught scarlet fever at a day-school she was
+attending, and for some days was dangerously ill. The fact of her illness
+was communicated to her father, and while the child was lying ill in bed,
+and I had cancelled all engagements so that I might not leave her side, I
+received a copy of the petition to deprive me of her custody. This
+document alleged as grounds for taking away the child:
+
+"The said Annie Besant is, by addresses, lectures, and writings,
+endeavoring to propagate the principles of Atheism, and has published a
+book intituled: 'The Gospel of Atheism'. She has also associated herself
+with an infidel lecturer and author, named Charles Bradlaugh, in giving
+lectures and in publishing books and pamphlets, whereby the truth of the
+Christian religion is impeached, and disbelief in all religion is
+inculcated.
+
+"The said Annie Besant has also, in conjunction with the said Charles
+Bradlaugh, published an indecent and obscene pamphlet called 'The Fruits
+of Philosophy'.
+
+"The said pamphlet has recently been the subject of legal proceedings, in
+the course of which the said Annie Besant publicly justified its contents
+and publication, and stated, or inferred, that in her belief it would be
+right to teach young children the physiological facts contained in the
+said pamphlet. [This was a deliberate falsehood: I had never stated or
+inferred anything of the kind.] The said Annie Besant has also edited and
+published a pamphlet intituled 'The Law of Population; its consequences,
+and its bearing upon human conduct and morals', to which book or pamphlet
+your petitioners crave leave to refer."
+
+The petition was unfortunately heard before the Master of the Rolls, Sir
+George Jessel, a man animated by the old spirit of Hebrew bigotry, and
+who had superadded to this the coarse time-serving morality of "a man of
+the world", sceptical of all sincerity, and contemptuous of all
+self-devotion to a cause that did not pay, as of a weakness by which he
+was himself singularly unassailable. The treatment I received at his
+hands on my first appearance in Court told me what I had to expect. After
+my previous experience of the courtesy of English judges, I was startled
+to hear a harsh, loud voice exclaim, in answer to a statement from Mr.
+Ince. Q.C., that I appeared in person:
+
+"Appear in person? A lady appear in person? Never heard of such a thing!
+Does the lady really appear in person?"
+
+After a variety of similar remarks, delivered in the most grating tones
+and with the roughest manner, Sir George Jessel tried to attain his
+object by browbeating me directly.
+
+"Is this the lady?"
+
+"I am the respondent to the petition, my lord--Mrs. Besant." "Then I
+advise you, Mrs. Besant, to employ counsel to represent you, if you can
+afford it, and I suppose you can."
+
+"With all submission to your lordship, I am afraid I must claim my right
+of arguing my case in person."
+
+"You will do so if you please, of course, but I think you had much better
+appear by counsel. I give you notice that, if you do not, you must not
+expect to be shown any consideration. You will not be heard by me at any
+greater length than the case requires, nor allowed to go into irrelevant
+matter, as persons who argue their own cases generally do."
+
+"I trust I shall not do so, my lord; but in any case I shall be arguing
+under your lordship's complete control."
+
+This encouraging beginning may be taken as a sample of the case. Mr.
+Ince, the counsel on the other side, was constantly practising in the
+Rolls' Court, knew all the judge's peculiarities, how to flatter and
+humor him on the one hand, and how to irritate him against his opponent
+on the other. Nor was Mr. Ince above using his influence with the Master
+of the Rolls to obtain an unfair advantage, knowing that whatever he said
+would be believed against any contradiction of mine: thus he tried to
+obtain costs against me on the ground that the public helped me, whereas
+his client received no subscriptions in aid of his suit; yet as a matter
+of fact subscriptions had been collected for his client, and the Bishop
+of Lincoln, and many of the principal clergy and churchmen of the diocese
+had contributed liberally towards the persecution of the Atheist.
+
+Mr. Ince and Mr. Bardswell argued that my Atheism and Malthusianism made
+me an unfit guardian for my child; Mr. Ince declared that Mabel, educated
+by me, would "be helpless for good in this world", and "hopeless for good
+hereafter"; outcast in this life and damned in the next; Mr. Bardswell
+implored the Judge to consider that my custody of her "would be
+detrimental to the future prospects of the child in society, to say
+nothing of her eternal prospects". I could have laughed, had not the
+matter been so terribly serious, at the mixture of Mrs. Grundy,
+marriage-establishment, and hell, presented as an argument for robbing a
+mother of her child. Once only did judge and counsel fall out; Mr.
+Bardswell had carelessly forgotten that Sir George Jessel was a Jew, and
+lifting eyes to heaven said:
+
+"Your lordship, I think, will scarcely credit it, but Mrs. Besant says in
+a later affidavit that she took away the Testament from the child,
+because it contained coarse passages unfit for a child to read."
+
+To his horror, Sir George Jessel considered there were "some passages
+which a child had better not read in the New Testament", and went on:
+
+"It is not true to say there are no passages that are unfit for a child's
+reading, because I think there are a great many.
+
+"Mr. BARDSWELL: I do not know of any passages that could fairly be called
+coarse.
+
+"Sir G. JESSEL: I cannot quite assent to that."
+
+With the exception of this little outburst of religious feeling against
+the book written by apostate Jews, Jewish judge and Christian counsel
+were united in their hatred of the Atheist. My argument fell on deaf
+ears; I distinctly admitted that I was an Atheist, that I had withdrawn
+the child from religious instruction at school, that I was the author of
+the "Gospel of Atheism", "The Fruits of Christianity", "The Freethinkers'
+Text Book, Part II.", and "The Law of Population", produced against me: I
+claimed her custody on the ground that it was given me by the deed of
+separation executed by the father who was trying to set it aside, and
+that no pretence was made that the child was neglected, the admission
+being, on the contrary, that she was admirably cared for: I offered
+lastly, if she were taken from me, to devote £110 a-year to her
+maintenance and education, provided that she were placed in the hands of
+a third person, not of her father. Sir George Jessel decided against me,
+as he had clearly intended to do from the very outset, and as the part of
+his judgment affecting Freethinkers as parents is of continued interest I
+reprint it here.
+
+"I am glad to say that, so far as I can see, Mrs. Besant has been kind
+and affectionate in her conduct and behavior towards the child, and has
+taken the greatest possible care of her so far as regards her physical
+welfare. I have no doubt she entertains that sincere affection for the
+child which a mother should always feel, and which no merely speculative
+opinions can materially affect. But, unfortunately, since her separation
+from her husband, Mrs. Besant has taken upon herself not merely to ignore
+religion, not merely to believe in no religion, but to publish and avow
+that non-belief--to become the publisher of pamphlets written by herself,
+and to deliver lectures composed by herself, stating her disbelief in
+religion altogether, and stating that she has no belief in the existence
+of a providence or a God. She has endeavored to convince others, by her
+lectures and by her pamphlets, that the denial of all religion is a right
+and proper thing to recommend to mankind at large. It is not necessary
+for me to express any opinion as to the religious convictions of any one,
+or even as to their non-religious convictions. But I must, as a man of
+the world, consider what effect on a woman's position this course of
+conduct must lead to. I know, and must know as a man of the world, that
+her course of conduct must quite cut her off, practically, not merely
+from the sympathy of, but from social intercourse with, the great
+majority of her sex. I do not believe a single clergyman's wife in
+England living with her husband would approve of such conduct, or
+associate with Mrs. Besant; and I must take that into consideration in
+considering what effect it would have upon the child if brought up by a
+woman of such reputation. But the matter does not stop there. Not only
+does Mrs. Besant entertain those opinions which are reprobated by the
+great mass of mankind--whether rightly or wrongly I have no business to
+say, though I, of course, think rightly--but she carries those
+speculative opinions into practice as regards the education of the child,
+and from the moment she does that she brings herself within the lines of
+the decisions of Lord Chancellors and eminent judges with reference to
+the custody of children by persons holding speculative opinions, and in
+those cases it has been held that before giving the custody of a child to
+those who entertain such speculative opinions the Court must consider
+what effect infusing those opinions as part of its practical education
+would have upon the child. That is undoubtedly a matter of the greatest
+importance. Upon this point there is no conflict of testimony whatever.
+Mrs. Besant herself says that she prohibited the governess from giving
+any religious education to the child, and has prevented the child from
+obtaining any religious education at all. When the child went to school--
+a day school, as I understand--Mrs. Besant prohibited the governess of
+that school from imparting any religious education, in the same way that
+she had prohibited the former governess, who was a home governess, from
+giving any religious education, and Mrs. Besant gave none herself. It is,
+therefore, not only the entertaining and publishing these opinions, but
+she considers it her duty so to educate the child as to prevent her
+having any religious opinions whatever until she attains a proper age. I
+have no doubt that Mrs. Besant is conscientious in her opinions upon all
+these matters, but I also have a conscientious opinion, and I am bound to
+give effect to it. I think such a course of education not only
+reprehensible but detestable, and likely to work utter ruin to the child,
+and I certainly should upon this ground alone decide that this child
+ought not to remain another day under the care of her mother."
+
+As to the publication of the Knowlton pamphlet, Sir George Jessel decided
+that that also was a good ground for separating mother and child. He
+committed himself to the shameful statement, so strongly condemned by the
+Lord Chief Justice, that Dr. Knowlton was in favor of "promiscuous
+intercourse without marriage", and then uttered the gross falsehood that
+his view "was exactly the same as was entertained by the Lord Chief
+Justice of England". After this odious misrepresentation, I was not
+surprised to hear from him words of brutal insult to myself. I print here
+an article on him written at the time, not one word of which I now
+regret, and which I am glad to place on record in permanent form, now
+that only his memory remains for me to hate.
+
+"SIR GEORGE JESSEL.
+
+"During the long struggle which began in March, 1877, no word has escaped
+me against the respective judges before whom I have had to plead. Some
+have been harsh, but, at least, they have been fairly just, and even if a
+sign of prejudice appeared, it was yet not sufficient to be a scandal to
+the Bench. Of Sir George Jessel, however, I cannot speak in terms even of
+respect, for in his conduct towards myself he has been rough, coarse, and
+unfair, to an extent that I never expected to see in any English judge.
+Sir George Jessel is subtle and acute, but he is rude, overbearing, and
+coarse; he has the sneer of a Mephistopheles, mingled with a curious
+monkeyish pleasure in inflicting pain. Sir George Jessel prides himself
+on being 'a man of the world', and he expresses the low morality common
+to that class when the phrase is taken in its worst sense; he holds, like
+the 'men of the world', who 'see life' in Leicester Square and the
+Haymarket, that women are kept chaste only through fear and from lack of
+opportunity; that men may be loose in morals if they will, and that women
+are divided into two classes for their use--one to be the victims and the
+toys of the moment, the others to be kept ignorant and strictly guarded,
+so as to be worthy of being selected as wives. Sir George Jessel
+considers that a woman becomes an outcast from society because she thinks
+that women would be happier, healthier, safer, if they had some slight
+acquaintance with physiology, and were not condemned, through ignorance,
+to give birth to human lives foredoomed to misery, to disease, and to
+starvation. Sir George Jessel says that no 'modest woman' will associate
+with one who spreads among her sex the knowledge which will enable her
+sisters to limit their families within their means. The old brutal Jewish
+spirit, regarding women as the mere slaves of men, breaks out in the
+coarse language which disgraced himself rather than the woman at whom it
+was aimed. Sir George Jessel might have been surprised, had he been in
+the Free Trade Hall, Manchester, on the following day, and had seen it
+filled with men and women, quiet looking, well dressed, and respectable,
+and had heard the cries of 'Shame on him!' which rang round the hall,
+when his brutal remark was quoted. Such language only causes a re-action
+towards the insulted person even among those who would otherwise be
+antagonistic, and Sir George Jessel has ranged on my side many a woman
+who, but for him, would have held aloof.
+
+"Sir George Jessel is a Jew; he thinks that a parent should be deprived
+of a child if he or she withholds from it religious training. Two hundred
+years ago, Sir George Jessel's children might have been taken from him
+because he did not bring them up as Christians; Sir George Jessel and his
+race have been relieved from disabilities, and he now joins the
+persecuting majority, and deals out to the Atheist the same measure dealt
+to his forefathers by the Christians. The Master of the Rolls pretended
+that by depriving me of my child he was inflicting no punishment on me!
+If the Master of the Rolls have any children, he must be as hard-hearted
+in the home as he is on the bench, if he would not feel that any penalty
+was inflicted on him if his little ones were torn from him and handed
+over to a Christian priest, who would teach them to despise him as a Jew,
+and hate him as a denier of Christ. Even now, Jews are under many social
+disabilities, and even when richly gilt, Christian society looks upon
+them with thinly-concealed dislike. The old wicked prejudice still
+survives against them, and it is with shame and with disgust that
+Liberals see a Jew trying to curry favor with Christian society by
+reviving the obsolete penalties once inflicted on his own people.
+
+"Sir George Jessel was not only brutally harsh; he was also utterly
+unfair. He quoted the Lord Chief Justice as agreeing with him in his
+judgment on Knowlton, on points where the Chief had distinctly expressed
+the contrary opinion, and he did this not through ignorance, but with the
+eloquent words of Sir Alexander Cockburn lying in front of him, and after
+I had pointed out to him, and he had deliberately read, or professed to
+read, the passages which contained the exact contrary of that which he
+put into the Chief's mouth.
+
+"Of one thing Sir George Jessel and his Christian friends may be sure:
+that neither prosecution nor penalty will prevent me from teaching both
+Atheism and Malthusianism to all who will listen to me, and since
+Christianity is still so bigoted as to take the child from the mother
+because of a difference of creed, I will strain every nerve to convert
+the men and women around me, and more especially the young, to a creed
+more worthy of humanity.
+
+"Sir George Jessel pretended to have the child's interests at heart: in
+reality he utterly ignored them. I offered to settle £110 a year on the
+child if she was placed in the charge of some trustworthy and respectable
+person, but the Master did not even notice the offer. He takes away the
+child from plenty and comfort, and throws her into comparative poverty;
+he takes her away from most tender and watchful care, and places her
+under the guardianship of a man so reckless of her health, that he chose
+the moment of her serious illness to ask for her removal; he takes her
+away from cultured and thoughtful society to place her among
+half-educated farmers. Nay, he goes further: Dr. Drysdale's affidavit
+stated that it was absolutely necessary at present that she should have
+her mother's care; and Sir George Jessel disregards this, and, in her
+still weak state, drags her from her home and from all she cares for,
+and throws her into the hands of strangers. If any serious results
+follow, Sir George Jessel will be morally, though not legally,
+responsible for them. In her new home she can have no gentle womanly
+attendance. No Christian lady of high character will risk the
+misconstruction to which she would be exposed by living alone at Sibsey
+Vicarage with a young clergyman who is neither a bachelor nor a widower;
+the child will be condemned either to solitary neglect at home, or to the
+cold strictness of a boarding-school. She is bright, gay, intelligent,
+merry now. What will she be at a year's end? My worst wish for Sir George
+Jessel is that the measure he has meted out to me may, before he dies, be
+measured out to him or his."
+
+There is little to add to the story. I gave the child up, as I was
+compelled to do, and gave notice of appeal to the Court of Appeal against
+the order of the Master of the Rolls. Meanwhile, as all access to the
+children was denied me by the father, I gave him notice that unless
+access were given I would sue for a restitution of conjugal rights,
+merely for the sake of seeing my children. As the deed of separation had
+been broken by his action, I supposed that the courts would not permit it
+to be broken for his advantage while holding it binding on me. Unhappily,
+at this critical point, my health gave way; the loneliness and silence of
+the house, of which my darling had always been the sunshine and the
+music, weighed on me like an evil dream: at night I could not sleep,
+missing in the darkness the soft breathing of the little child; her cries
+as she clung to me and was forcibly carried away rang ever in my ears; at
+last, on July 25th, I was suddenly struck down with fever, and had the
+rest of pain and delirium instead of the agony of conscious loss. While I
+was lying there prostrate an order was served on me from the Master of
+the Rolls, granted on Mr. Besant's application, to restrain me from
+bringing any suit against him. As soon as I recovered, I took steps for
+contesting this order, but no definite action could be taken until after
+the Long Vacation. The case came on for hearing first in November, 1878,
+and then in January, 1879. All access to the children had been denied me,
+and the money due to me had been withheld. By this my opponent had put
+himself so completely in the wrong that even the Master of the Rolls
+uttered words of severe condemnation of the way in which I had been
+treated. Then a curious interlude took place. The Master of the Rolls
+advised me to file a counter-claim for divorce or for judicial
+separation, and I gladly agreed to do so, feeling very doubtful as to the
+Master of the Rolls' power to do anything of the kind, but very glad that
+he should think he had the authority. While the claim was being prepared,
+I obtained access to the children under an interim order, as well as the
+money owing to me, and at the end of March the case again came before the
+Master of the Rolls. The claim filed alleged distinct acts of cruelty,
+and I brought witnesses to support the claim, among them the doctor who
+had attended me during my married life. Mr. Ince filed an answer of
+general denial, adding that the acts of cruelty, if any, were "done in
+the heat of the moment". He did not, however, venture to contest the
+case, although I tendered myself for cross-examination, but pleaded the
+deed of separation as a bar to further proceedings on my part; I argued
+on the other hand that as the deed had been broken by the plaintiff's
+act, all my original rights revived. Sir George Jessel held that the deed
+of separation condoned all that had gone before it, if it was raised as a
+bar to further proceedings, and expressed his regret that he had not
+known there would be "any objection on the other side", when he advised a
+claim for a judicial separation. On the final hearing of the case in
+April in the Rolls' Court Sir George Jessel decided that the deed of
+separation was good as protecting Mr. Besant from any suit on my part to
+obtain a decree for the restitution of conjugal rights, although it had
+been set aside on the one matter of value to me--the custody of my child.
+The net result of the proceedings was that had I gone to the Divorce
+Court in 1873, I might at least have obtained a divorce _a mensa e
+thoro_; that in my desire to avoid publicity, and content in what I
+believed to be secure possession of my child, I had agreed to a deed
+which fully protected Mr. Besant against any action on my part, but which
+could be set aside by him for the purpose of robbing me of my child.
+
+The argument in the Court of Appeal came on during April, and was, as I
+expected, decided against me, the absolute right of the father being
+declared, and a married mother held to have no sort of claim over her own
+children. The worst stigma affixed to marriage by the law of England is
+this ignoring of any right of the married mother to her child; the law
+protects the unmarried, but insults the married, mother, and places in
+the hands of the legal husband an instrument of torture whose power to
+agonise depends on the tenderness and strength of the motherliness of the
+wife. In fact the law says to every woman: "Choose which of these two
+positions you will have: if you are legally your husband's wife you can
+have no legal claim to your children; if legally you are your husband's
+mistress, then your rights as mother are secure".
+
+But one thing I gained in the Court of Appeal. The Court expressed a
+strong view as to my right of access, and directed me to apply to Sir
+George Jessel for it, stating that it could not doubt that he would give
+it. I made the application and obtained an order of access to the
+children, seeing them alone, once a month; of a visit of the children to
+London twice a year, with their governess, for a week each time; of a
+week at the seaside in similar fashion once a year; of a weekly letter
+from each of them with the right of reply. This order, obtained after
+such long struggle, has proved useless. The monthly visit so upset my
+poor little daughter, and made her fret so constantly after me, that in
+mercy to her I felt compelled to relinquish it; on the first visit to the
+seaside, I was saddled with the cost of maintaining the Rev. Mr. and Mrs.
+Child, who were placed as guardians of the children, and who treated me
+in their presence as though I were a dangerous animal from whom they were
+to be protected. To give but an instance of the sort of treatment I
+received, I wished Mabel to have the benefit of sea-bathing, and was told
+that she could not be allowed to bathe with me, and this with a
+suggestiveness that sorely taxed my self-control. I could not apply to
+the Court against the ingenious forms of petty insult employed, while I
+felt that they must inevitably estrange the children from me if practised
+always in their presence. After a vain appeal that some sort of
+consideration should be shown to me, an appeal answered by a mocking
+suggestion that I should complain to the Master of the Rolls, I made up
+my mind as to my future course. I resolved neither to see nor to write to
+my children until they were old enough to understand and to judge for
+themselves, and I know that I shall win my daughter back in her
+womanhood, though I have been robbed of her childhood. By effacing myself
+then, I saved her from a constant and painful struggle unfitted for
+childhood's passionate feelings, and left her only a memory that she
+loves, undefaced by painful remembrances of her mother insulted in her
+presence.
+
+Unhappily Sir George Jessel has terribly handicapped her future; left to
+me she would have had the highest education now open to girls; left to
+her present guardian she receives only fifth-rate teaching, utterly
+unfitted for the present day. Twice I have offered to bear the whole
+expense of her education in the High School at Cheltenham, or in some
+London College, without in any way appearing in the matter, but each time
+my offer has been roughly and insultingly refused, and the influence that
+marred the mother's life is undermining the future happiness of the
+child's. But I am not without hope that I may be able to obtain from the
+Court of Chancery an order for the benefit of its ward, and I trust
+before very long that I shall be able to insure to my child an education
+which will fit her to play her part worthily when she reaches womanhood.
+I had hoped to save her from the pain of rejecting a superstitious faith,
+but that is now impossible, and she must fight her way out of darkness
+into light as her mother did before her. But in order that she may do so,
+education now is of vital importance, and that I am striving to obtain
+for her. I live in the hope that in her womanhood she may return to the
+home she was torn from in her childhood, and that, in faithful work and
+noble endeavor, she may wear in future years in the Freethought ranks a
+name not wholly unloved or unhonored therein, for the sake of the woman
+who has borne it in the van through eleven years of strife.
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Autobiographical Sketches, by Annie Besant
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Autobiographical Sketches, by Annie Besant
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Autobiographical Sketches
+
+Author: Annie Besant
+
+Release Date: February 29, 2004 [EBook #11376]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Richard Prairie and PG Distributed
+Proofreaders
+
+
+
+
+
+                             AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL
+
+                                 SKETCHES.
+
+                                    BY
+
+                               ANNIE BESANT
+
+                                   1885.
+
+
+                         AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES.
+
+
+I am so often asked for references to some pamphlet or journal in which
+may be found some outline of my life, and the enquiries are so often
+couched in terms of such real kindness, that I have resolved to pen a few
+brief autobiographical sketches, which may avail to satisfy friendly
+questioners, and to serve, in some measure, as defence against unfair
+attack.
+
+
+
+I.
+
+
+On October 1st, 1847, I made my appearance in this "vale of tears",
+"little Pheasantina", as I was irreverently called by a giddy aunt, a pet
+sister of my mother's. Just at that time my father and mother were
+staying within the boundaries of the City of London, so that I was born
+well "within the sound of Bow bells".
+
+Though born in London, however, full three quarters of my blood are
+Irish. My dear mother was a Morris--the spelling of the name having been
+changed from Maurice some five generations back--and I have often heard
+her tell a quaint story, illustrative of that family pride which is so
+common a feature of a decayed Irish family. She was one of a large
+family, and her father and mother, gay, handsome, and extravagant, had
+wasted merrily what remained to them of patrimony. I can remember her
+father well, for I was fourteen years of age when he died. A bent old
+man, with hair like driven snow, splendidly handsome in his old age,
+hot-tempered to passion at the lightest provocation, loving and wrath in
+quick succession. As the family grew larger and the moans grew smaller,
+many a pinch came on the household, and the parents were glad to accept
+the offer of a relative to take charge of Emily, the second daughter. A
+very proud old lady was this maiden aunt, and over the mantel-piece of
+her drawing-room ever hung a great diagram, a family tree, which mightily
+impressed the warm imagination of the delicate child she had taken in
+charge. It was a lengthy and well-grown family tree, tracing back the
+Morris family to the days of Charlemagne, and branching out from a stock
+of "the seven kings of France". Was there ever yet a decayed. Irish
+family that did not trace itself back to some "kings"? and these
+"Milesian kings"--who had been expelled from France, doubtless for good
+reasons, and who had sailed across the sea and landed in fair Erin, and
+there had settled and robbed and fought--did more good 800 years after
+their death than they did, I expect, during their ill-spent lives, if
+they proved a source of gentle harmless pride to the old maiden lady who
+admired their names over her mantel-piece in the earlier half of the
+present century. And, indeed, they acted as a kind of moral thermometer,
+in a fashion that would much have astonished their ill-doing and
+barbarous selves. For my mother has told me how when she would commit
+some piece of childish naughtiness, her aunt would say, looking gravely
+over her spectacles at the small culprit: "Emily, your conduct is
+unworthy of the descendant of the seven kings of France." And Emily, with
+her sweet grey Irish eyes, and her curling masses of raven-black hair,
+would cry in penitent shame over her unworthiness, with some vague idea
+that those royal, and to her very real ancestors, would despise her small
+sweet rosebud self, as wholly unworthy of their disreputable majesties.
+But that same maiden aunt trained the child right well, and I keep ever
+grateful memory of her, though I never knew her, for her share in forming
+the tenderest, sweetest, proudest, purest, noblest woman I have ever
+known. I have never met a woman more selflessly devoted to those she
+loved, more passionately contemptuous of all that was mean or base, more
+keenly sensitive on every question of honor, more iron in will, more
+sweet in tenderness, than the mother who made my girlhood sunny as
+dreamland, who guarded me until my marriage from every touch of pain that
+she could ward off, or could bear for me, who suffered more in every
+trouble that touched me in later life than I did myself, and who died in
+the little house I had taken for our new home in Norwood, worn out ere
+old age touched her, by sorrow, poverty and pain, in May, 1874.
+
+Of my father my memory is less vivid, for he died when I was but five
+years old. He was of mixed race, English on his father's side, Irish on
+his mother's, and was born in Galway, and educated in Ireland; he took
+his degree at Dublin University, and walked the hospitals as a medical
+student. But after he had qualified as a medical man a good appointment
+was offered him by a relative in the City of London, and he never
+practised regularly as a doctor.
+
+In the City his prospects were naturally promising; the elder branch of
+the Wood Family, to which he belonged, had for many generations been
+settled in Devonshire, farming their own land. When the eldest son
+William, my father, came of age, he joined with his father to cut off the
+entail, and the old acres were sold. Meanwhile members of other branches
+had entered commercial life, and had therein prospered exceedingly. One
+of them had become Lord Mayor of London, had vigorously supported the
+unhappy Queen Caroline, had paid the debts of the Duke of Kent, in order
+that that reputable individual might return to England with his Duchess,
+so that the future heir to the throne might be born on English soil; he
+had been rewarded with a baronetcy as a cheap method of paying his
+services. Another, my father's first cousin once removed, a young
+barrister, had successfully pleaded a suit in which was concerned the
+huge fortune of a miserly relative, and had thus laid the foundations of
+a great success; he won for himself a vice-chancellorship and a
+knighthood, and then the Lord Chancellorship of England, with the barony
+of Hatherley. A third, a brother of the last, Western Wood, was doing
+good service in the House of Commons. A fourth, a cousin of the last two,
+had thrown himself with such spirit and energy into mining work, that he
+had accumulated a fortune. In fact all the scattered branches had made
+their several ways in the world, save that elder one to which my father
+belonged. That had vegetated on down in the country, and had grown poorer
+while the others grew richer. My father's brothers had somewhat of a
+fight for life. One has prospered and is comfortable and well-to-do. The
+other led for years a rough and wandering life, and "came to grief"
+generally. Some years ago I heard of him as a store-keeper in Portsmouth
+dock-yard, occasionally boasting in feeble fashion that his cousin was
+Lord Chancellor of England, and not many months since I heard from him in
+South Africa, where he has secured some appointment in the Commissariat
+Department, not, I fear, of a very lucrative character.
+
+Let us come back to Pheasantina, who, I am told, was a delicate and
+somewhat fractious infant, giving to both father and mother considerable
+cause for anxiety. Her first attempts at rising in the world were
+attended with disaster, for as she was lying in a cradle, with carved
+iron canopy, and was for a moment left by her nurse in full faith that
+she could not rise from the recumbent position, Miss Pheasantina
+determined to show that she was capable of unexpected independence, and
+made a vigorous struggle to assume that upright position which is the
+proud prerogative of man. In another moment the recumbent position was
+re-assumed, and the nurse returning found the baby's face covered with
+blood, streaming from a severe wound on the forehead, the iron fretwork
+having proved harder than the baby's head. The scar remains down to the
+present time, and gives me the valuable peculiarity of only wrinkling up
+one side of my forehead when I raise my eyebrows, a feat that I defy any
+of my readers to emulate. The heavy cut has, I suppose, so injured the
+muscles in that spot that they have lost the normal power of contraction.
+
+My earliest personal recollections are of a house and garden that we
+lived in when I was three and four years of age, situated in Grove Road,
+St. John's Wood. I can remember my mother hovering round the dinner-table
+to see that all was bright for the home-coming husband; my brother--two
+years older than myself--and I watching "for papa"; the loving welcome,
+the game of romps that always preceded the dinner of the elder folks. I
+can remember on the first of October, 1851, jumping up in my little cot,
+and shouting out triumphantly: "Papa! mamma! I am four years old!" and
+the grave demand of my brother, conscious of superior age, at
+dinner-time: "May not Annie have a knife to-day, as she is four years
+old?"
+
+It was a sore grievance during that same year 1851, that I was not judged
+old enough to go to the Great Exhibition, and I have a faint memory of my
+brother consolingly bringing me home one of those folding pictured strips
+that are sold in the streets, on which were imaged glories that I longed
+only the more to see. Far-away, dusky, trivial memories, these. What a
+pity it is that a baby cannot notice, cannot observe, cannot remember,
+and so throw light on the fashion of the dawning of the external world on
+the human consciousness. If only we could remember how things looked when
+they were first imaged on the retinae; what we felt when first we became
+conscious of the outer world; what the feeling was as faces of father and
+mother grew out of the surrounding chaos and became familiar things,
+greeted with a smile, lost with a cry; if only memory would not become a
+mist when in later years we strive to throw our glances backward into the
+darkness of our infancy, what lessons we might learn to help our
+stumbling psychology, how many questions might be solved whose answers we
+are groping for in vain.
+
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The next scene that stands out clearly against the background of the past
+is that of my father's death-bed. The events which led to his death I
+know from my dear mother. He had never lost his fondness for the
+profession for which he had been trained, and having many medical
+friends, he would now and then accompany them on their hospital rounds,
+or share with them the labors of the dissecting room. It chanced that
+during the dissection of the body of a person who had died of rapid
+consumption, my father cut his finger against the edge of the
+breast-bone. The cut did not heal easily, and the finger became swollen
+and inflamed. "I would have that finger off, Wood, if I were you," said
+one of the surgeons, a day or two afterwards, on seeing the state of the
+wound. But the others laughed at the suggestion, and my father, at first
+inclined to submit to the amputation, was persuaded to "leave Nature
+alone".
+
+About the middle of August, 1852, he got wet through, riding on the top
+of an omnibus, and the wetting resulted in a severe cold, which "settled
+on his chest". One of the most eminent doctors of the day, as able as he
+was rough in manner, was called to see him. He examined him carefully,
+sounded his lungs, and left the room followed by my mother. "Well?" she
+asked, scarcely anxious as to the answer, save as it might worry her
+husband to be kept idly at home. "You must keep up his spirits", was the
+thoughtless answer. "He is in a galloping consumption; you will not have
+him with you six weeks longer." The wife staggered back, and fell like a
+stone on the floor. But love triumphed over agony, and half an hour later
+she was again at her husband's side, never to leave it again for ten
+minutes at a time, night or day, till he was lying with closed eyes
+asleep in death.
+
+I was lifted on to the bed to "say good-bye to dear Papa" on the day
+before his death, and I remember being frightened at his eyes which
+looked so large, and his voice which sounded so strange, as he made me
+promise always to be "a very good girl to darling Mamma, as Papa was
+going right away". I remember insisting that "Papa should kiss Cherry", a
+doll given me on my birthday, three days before, by his direction, and
+being removed, crying and struggling, from the room. He died on the
+following day, October 5th, and I do not think that my elder brother and
+I--who were staying at our maternal grandfather's--went to the house
+again until the day of the funeral. With the death, my mother broke down,
+and when all was over they carried her senseless from the room. I
+remember hearing afterwards how, when she recovered her senses, she
+passionately insisted on being left alone, and locked herself into her
+room for the night; and how on the following morning her mother, at last
+persuading her to open the door, started back at the face she saw with
+the cry: "Good God! Emily! your hair is white!" It was even so; her hair,
+black, glossy and abundant, which, contrasting with her large grey eyes,
+had made her face so strangely attractive, had turned grey in that night
+of agony, and to me my mother's face is ever framed in exquisite silver
+bands of hair as white as the driven unsullied snow.
+
+I have heard that the love between my father and mother was a very
+beautiful thing, and it most certainly stamped her character for life. He
+was keenly intellectual, and splendidly educated; a mathematician and a
+good classical scholar, thoroughly master of French, German, Italian,
+Spanish, and Portuguese, with a smattering of Hebrew and Gaelic, the
+treasures of ancient and of modern literature were his daily household
+delight. Nothing pleased him so well as to sit with his wife, reading
+aloud to her while she worked; now translating from some foreign poet,
+now rolling forth melodiously the exquisite cadences of Queen Mab.
+Student of philosophy as he was, he was deeply and steadily sceptical;
+and a very religious relative has told me that he often drove her from
+the room by his light playful mockery of the tenets of the Christian
+faith. His mother and sister were strict Roman Catholics, and near the
+end forced a priest into his room, but the priest was promptly ejected by
+the wrath of the dying man, and by the almost fierce resolve of the wife
+that no messenger of the creed he detested should trouble her darling at
+the last.
+
+This scepticism of his was not wholly shared by his wife, who held to the
+notion that women should be "religious," while men might philosophise as
+they would; but it so deeply influenced her own intellectual life that
+she utterly rejected the most irrational dogmas of Christianity, such as
+eternal punishment, the vicarious atonement of Christ, the doctrine that
+faith is necessary to salvation, the equality of Christ with God, the
+infallibility of the Bible; she made morality of life, not orthodoxy of
+belief, her measure of "religion"; she was "a Christian", in her own view
+of the matter, but it was a Christian of the school of Jowett, of
+Colenso, and of Stanley. The latter writer had for her, in after years,
+the very strongest fascination, and I am not sure that his "variegated
+use of words", so fiercely condemned by Dr. Pusey, did not exactly suit
+her own turn of mind, which shrank back intellectually from the crude
+dogmas of orthodox Christianity, but clung poetically to the artistic
+side of religion, to its art and to its music, to the grandeur of its
+glorious fanes, and the solemnity of its stately ritual. She detested the
+meretricious show, the tinsel gaudiness, the bowing and genuflecting, the
+candles and the draperies, of Romanism, and of its pinchbeck imitator
+Ritualism; but I doubt whether she knew any keener pleasure than to sit
+in one of the carved stalls of Westminster Abbey, listening to the
+polished sweetness of Dean Stanley's exquisite eloquence; or to the
+thunder of the organ mingled with the voices of the white-robed
+choristers, as the music rose and fell, as it pealed up to the arched
+roof and lost itself in the carven fretwork, or died away softly among
+the echoes of the chapels in which kings and saints and sages lay
+sleeping, enshrining in themselves the glories and the sorrows of the
+past.
+
+To return to October, 1852. On the day of the funeral my elder brother
+and I were taken back to the house where my father lay dead, and while my
+brother went as chief mourner, poor little boy swamped in crape and
+miserable exceedingly, I sat in an upstairs room with my mother and her
+sisters; and still comes back to me her figure, seated on a sofa, with
+fixed white face and dull vacant eyes, counting the minutes till the
+funeral procession would have reached Kensal Green, and then following in
+mechanical fashion, prayer-book in hand, the service, stage by stage,
+until to my unspeakable terror, with the words, dully spoken, "It is all
+over", she fell back fainting. And here comes a curious psychological
+problem which has often puzzled me. Some weeks later she resolved to go
+and see her husband's grave. A relative who had been present at the
+funeral volunteered to guide her to the spot, but lost his way in that
+wilderness of graves. Another of the small party went off to find one of
+the officials and to enquire, and my mother said: "If you will take me to
+the chapel where the first part of the service was read, I will find the
+grave". To humor her whim, he led her thither, and, looking round for a
+moment or two, she started from the chapel, followed the path along which
+the corpse had been borne, and was standing by the newly-made grave when
+the official arrived to point it out. Her own explanation was that she
+had seen all the service; what is certain is, that she had never been to
+Kensal Green before, and that she walked steadily to the grave from the
+chapel. Whether the spot had been carefully described to her, whether she
+had heard others talking of its position or not, we could never
+ascertain; she had no remembrance of any such description, and the matter
+always remained to us a problem. But after the lapse of years a hundred
+little things may have been forgotten which unconsciously served as
+guides at the time. She must have been, of course, at that time, in a
+state of abnormal nervous excitation, a state of which another proof was
+shortly afterwards given. The youngest of our little family was a boy
+about three years younger than myself, a very beautiful child, blue-eyed
+and golden haired--I have still a lock of his hair, of exquisite pale
+golden hue--and the little lad was passionately devoted to his father. He
+was always a delicate boy, and had I suppose, therefore, been specially
+petted, and he fretted continually for "papa". It is probable that the
+consumptive taint had touched him, for he pined steadily away, with no
+marked disease, during the winter months. One morning my mother calmly
+stated: "Alf is going to die". It was in vain that it was urged on her
+that with the spring strength would return to the child. "No", she
+persisted. "He was lying asleep in my arms last night, and William came
+to me and said that he wanted Alf with him, but that I might keep the
+other two." She had in her a strong strain of Celtic superstition, and
+thoroughly believed that this "vision"--a most natural dream under the
+circumstances--was a direct "warning", and that her husband had come to
+her to tell her of her approaching loss. This belief was, in her eyes,
+thoroughly justified by the little fellow's death in the following March,
+calling to the end for "Papa! papa!" My brother and I were allowed to see
+him just before he was placed in his coffin; I can see him still, so
+white and beautiful, with a black spot in the middle of the fair waxen
+forehead, and I remember the deadly cold which startled me when I was
+told to kiss my little brother. It was the first time that I had touched
+Death. That black spot made a curious impression on me, and long
+afterwards, asking what had caused it, I was told that at the moment
+after his death my mother had passionately kissed the baby brow. Pathetic
+thought, that the mother's kiss of farewell should have been marked by
+the first sign of corruption on the child's face.
+
+And now began my mother's time of struggle and of anxiety. Hitherto,
+since her marriage, she had known no money troubles, for her husband was
+earning a good income; he was apparently vigorous and well: no thought of
+anxiety clouded their future. When he died, he believed that he left his
+wife and children safe, at least, from pecuniary distress. It was not so.
+I know nothing of the details, but the outcome of all was that nothing
+was left for the widow and children, save a trifle of ready money. The
+resolve to which, my mother came was characteristic. Two of her husband's
+relatives, Western and Sir William Wood, offered to educate her son at a
+good city school, and to start him in commercial life, using their great
+city influence to push him forward. But the young lad's father and mother
+had talked of a different future for their eldest boy; he was to go to a
+public school, and then to the University, and was to enter one of the
+"learned professions"--to take orders, the mother wished; to go to the
+Bar, the father hoped. On his death-bed there was nothing more earnestly
+urged by my father than that Harry should receive the best possible
+education, and the widow was resolute to fulfil that last wish. In her
+eyes, a city school was not "the best possible education", and the Irish
+pride rebelled against the idea of her son not being "a University man".
+Many were the lectures poured out on the young widow's head about her
+"foolish pride", especially by the female members of the Wood family; and
+her persistence in her own way caused a considerable alienation between
+herself and them. But Western and William, though half-disapproving,
+remained her friends, and lent many a helping hand to her in her first
+difficult struggles. After much cogitation, she resolved that the boy
+should be educated at Harrow, where the fees are comparatively low to
+lads living in the town, and that he should go thence to Cambridge or to
+Oxford, as his tastes should direct. A bold scheme for a penniless widow,
+but carried out to the letter; for never dwelt in a delicate body a more
+resolute mind and will than that of my dear mother.
+
+In a few months' time--during which we lived, poorly enough, in Richmond
+Terrace, Clapham, close to her father and mother--to Harrow, then, she
+betook herself, into lodgings over a grocer's shop, and set herself to
+look for a house. This grocer was a very pompous man, fond of long words,
+and patronised the young widow exceedingly, and one day my mother related
+with much amusement how he had told her that she was sure to get on if
+she worked hard. "Look at me!" he said swelling visibly with importance;
+"I was once a poor boy, without a penny of my own, and now I am a
+comfortable man, and have my submarine villa to go to every evening".
+That "submarine villa" was an object of amusement when we passed it in
+our walks for many a long day. "There is Mr. ----'s submarine villa",
+some one would say, laughing: and I, too, used to laugh merrily, because
+my elders did, though my understanding of the difference between suburban
+and submarine was on a par with that of the honest grocer.
+
+My mother had fortunately found a boy, whose parents were glad to place
+him in her charge, of about the age of her own son, to educate with him;
+and by this means she was able to pay for a tutor, to prepare the two
+boys for school. The tutor had a cork leg, which was a source of serious
+trouble to me, for it stuck out straight behind when we knelt down to
+family prayers--conduct which struck me as irreverent and unbecoming, but
+which I always felt a desire to imitate. After about a year, my mother
+found a house which she thought would suit her scheme, namely, to obtain
+permission from Dr. Vaughan, the then Head Master of Harrow, to take some
+boys into her house, and so gain means of education for her own son. Dr.
+Vaughan, who must have been won by the gentle, strong, little woman, from
+that time forth became her earnest friend and helper; and to the counsel
+and active assistance both of himself and of his wife, was due much of
+the success that crowned her toil. He made only one condition in granting
+the permission she asked, and that was, that she should also have in her
+house one of the masters of the school, so that the boys should not
+suffer from the want of a house-tutor. This condition, of course, she
+readily accepted, and the arrangement lasted for ten years, until after
+her son had left school for Cambridge.
+
+The house she took is now, I am sorry to say, pulled down, and replaced
+by a hideous red-brick structure. It was very old and rambling,
+rose-covered in front, ivy-covered behind; it stood on the top of Harrow
+Hill, between the church and the school, and had once been the vicarage
+of the parish, but the vicar had left it because it was so far removed
+from the part of the village where all his work lay. The drawing-room
+opened by an old-fashioned half-window, half-door--which proved a
+constant source of grief to me, for whenever I had on a new frock I
+always tore it on the bolt as I flew through it--into a large garden
+which sloped down one side of the hill, and was filled with the most
+delightful old trees, fir and laurel, may, mulberry, hazel, apple, pear,
+and damson, not to mention currant and gooseberry bushes innumerable, and
+large strawberry beds spreading down the sunny slopes. There was not a
+tree there that I did not climb, and one, a widespreading Portugal
+laurel, was my private country house. I had there my bedroom and my
+sitting-rooms, my study, and my larder. The larder was supplied by the
+fruit-trees, from which I was free to pick as I would, and in the study I
+would sit for hours with some favorite book--Milton's "Paradise Lost" the
+chief favorite of all. The birds must often have felt startled, when from
+the small swinging form perching on a branch, came out in childish tones
+the "Thrones, dominations, princedoms, virtues, powers", of Milton's
+stately and sonorous verse. I liked to personify Satan, and to declaim
+the grand speeches of the hero-rebel, and many a happy hour did I pass in
+Milton's heaven and hell, with for companions Satan and "the Son",
+Gabriel and Abdiel. Then there was a terrace running by the side of the
+churchyard, always dry in the wettest weather, and bordered by an old
+wooden fence, over which clambered roses of every shade; never was such a
+garden for roses as that of the Old Vicarage. At the end of the terrace
+was a little summer-house, and in this a trap-door in the fence, which
+swung open and displayed one of the fairest views in England. Sheer from
+your feet downwards went the hill, and then far below stretched the
+wooded country till your eye reached the towers of Windsor Castle, far
+away on the horizon. It was the view at which Byron was never tired of
+gazing, as he lay on the flat tombstone close by--Byron's tomb, as it is
+still called--of which he wrote:
+
+"Again I behold where for hours I have pondered,
+   As reclining, at eve, on yon tombstone I lay,
+Or round the steep brow of the churchyard I wandered,
+   To catch the last gleam of the sun's setting ray."
+
+Reader mine, if ever you go to Harrow, ask permission to enter the old
+garden, and try the effect of that sudden burst of beauty, as you swing
+back the small trap-door at the terrace end.
+
+Into this house we moved on my eighth birthday, and for eleven years it
+was "home" to me, left always with regret, returned to always with joy.
+
+Almost immediately afterwards I left my mother for the first time; for
+one day, visiting a family who lived close by, I found a stranger sitting
+in the drawing-room, a lame lady with, a strong face, which softened
+marvellously as she smiled at the child who came dancing in; she called
+me to her presently, and took me on her lap and talked to me, and on the
+following day our friend came to see my mother, to ask if she would let
+me go away and be educated with this lady's niece, coming home for the
+holidays regularly, but leaving my education in her hands. At first my
+mother would not hear of it, for she and I scarcely ever left each other;
+my love for her was an idolatry, hers for me a devotion. [A foolish
+little story, about which I was unmercifully teased for years, marked
+that absolute idolatry of her, which has not yet faded from my heart. In
+tenderest rallying one day of the child who trotted after her everywhere,
+content to sit, or stand, or wait, if only she might touch hand or dress
+of "mamma," she said: "Little one (the name by which she always called
+me), if you cling to mamma in this way, I must really get a string and
+tie you to my apron, and how will you like that?" "O mamma darling," came
+the fervent answer, "do let it be in a knot." And, indeed, the tie of
+love between us was so tightly knotted that nothing ever loosened it till
+the sword of Death cut that which pain and trouble never availed to
+slacken in the slightest degree.] But it was urged upon her that the
+advantages of education offered were such as no money could purchase for
+me; that it would be a disadvantage for me to grow up in a houseful of
+boys--and, in truth, I was as good a cricketer and climber as the best of
+them--that my mother would soon be obliged to send me to school, unless
+she accepted an offer which gave me every advantage of school without its
+disadvantages. At last she yielded, and it was decided that Miss Marryat,
+on returning home, should take me with her.
+
+Miss Marryat--the favorite sister of Captain Marryat, the famous
+novelist--was a maiden lady of large means. She had nursed her brother
+through the illness that ended in his death, and had been living with her
+mother at Wimbledon Park. On her mother's death she looked round for work
+which would make her useful in the world, and finding that one of her
+brothers had a large family of girls, she offered to take charge of one
+of them, and to educate her thoroughly. Chancing to come to Harrow, my
+good fortune threw me in her way, and she took a fancy to me and thought
+she would like to teach two little girls rather than one. Hence her offer
+to my mother.
+
+Miss Marryat had a perfect genius for teaching, and took in it the
+greatest delight. From time to time she added another child to our party,
+sometimes a boy, sometimes a girl. At first, with Amy Marryat and myself,
+there was a little boy, Walter Powys, son of a clergyman with a large
+family, and him she trained for some years, and then sent him on to
+school admirably prepared. She chose "her children"--as she loved to call
+us--in very definite fashion. Each must be gently born and gently
+trained, but in such position that the education freely given should be a
+relief and aid to a slender parental purse. It was her delight to seek
+out and aid those on whom poverty presses most heavily, when the need for
+education for the children weighs on the proud and the poor. "Auntie" we
+all called her, for she thought "Miss Marryat" seemed too cold and stiff.
+She taught us everything herself except music, and for this she had a
+master, practising us in composition, in recitation, in reading aloud
+English and French, and later, German, devoting herself to training us in
+the soundest, most thorough fashion. No words of mine can tell how much I
+owe her, not only of knowledge, bit of that love of knowledge which has
+remained with me ever since as a constant spur to study.
+
+Her method of teaching may be of interest to some, who desire to train
+children with the least pain, and the most enjoyment to the little ones
+themselves. First, we never used a spelling-book--that torment of the
+small child--nor an English grammar. But we wrote letters, telling of the
+things we had seen in our walks, or told again some story we had read;
+these childish compositions she would read over with us, correcting all
+faults of spelling, of grammar, of style, of cadence; a clumsy sentence
+would be read aloud, that we might hear how unmusical it sounded; an
+error in observation or expression pointed out. Then, as the letters
+recorded what we had seen the day before, the faculty of observation was
+drawn out and trained. "Oh, dear! I have nothing to say!" would come from
+a small child, hanging over a slate. "Did you not go out for a walk
+yesterday?" Auntie would question. "Yes", would be sighed out; "but
+there's nothing to say about it". "Nothing to say! And you walked in the
+lanes for an hour and saw nothing, little No-eyes? You must use your eyes
+better to-day." Then there was a very favorite "lesson", which proved an
+excellent way of teaching spelling. We used to write out lists of all the
+words we could think of, which sounded the same but were differently
+spelt. Thus: "key, quay," "knight, night," and so on; and great was the
+glory of the child who found the largest number. Our French lessons--as
+the German later--included reading from the very first. On the day on
+which we began German we began reading Schiller's "Wilhelm Tell," and the
+verbs given to us to copy out were those that had occurred in the
+reading. We learned much by heart, but always things that in themselves
+were worthy to be learned. We were never given the dry questions and
+answers which lazy teachers so much affect. We were taught history by one
+reading aloud while the others worked--the boys as well as the girls
+learning the use of the needle. "It's like a girl to sew," said a little
+fellow, indignantly, one day. "It is like a baby to have to run after a
+girl if you want a button sewn on," quoth Auntie. Geography was learned
+by painting skeleton maps--an exercise much delighted in by small
+fingers--and by putting together puzzle maps, in which countries in the
+map of a continent, or counties in the map of a country, were always cut
+out in their proper shapes. I liked big empires in those days; there was
+a solid satisfaction in putting down Russia, and seeing what a large part
+of the map was filled up thereby.
+
+The only grammar that we ever learned as grammar was the Latin, and that
+not until composition had made us familiar with the use of the rules
+therein given. Auntie had a great horror of children learning by rote
+things they did not understand, and then fancying they knew them. "What
+do you mean by that expression, Annie?" she would ask me. After feeble
+attempts to explain, I would answer: "Indeed, Auntie, I know in my own
+head, but I can't explain". "Then, indeed, Annie, you do not know in your
+own head, or you could explain, so that I might know in my own head." And
+so a healthy habit was fostered of clearness of thought and of
+expression. The Latin grammar was used because it was more perfect than
+the modern grammars, and served as a solid foundation for modern
+languages.
+
+Miss Marryat took a beautiful place, Fern Hill, near Charmouth, in
+Dorsetshire, on the borders of Devon, and there she lived for some five
+years, a centre of beneficence in the district. She started a
+Sunday-school, and a Bible-class after a while for the lads too old for
+the school, who clamored for admission to her class in it. She visited
+the poor, taking help wherever she went, and sending food from her own
+table to the sick. It was characteristic of her that she would never give
+"scraps" to the poor, but would have a basin brought in at dinner, and
+would cut the best slice to tempt the invalid appetite. Money she rarely,
+if ever, gave, but she would find a day's work, or busy herself to seek
+permanent employment for anyone asking aid. Stern in rectitude herself,
+and iron to the fawning or the dishonest, her influence, whether she was
+feared or loved, was always for good. Of the strictest sect of the
+Evangelicals, she was an Evangelical. On the Sunday no books were allowed
+save the Bible or the "Sunday at Home"; but she would try to make the day
+bright by various little devices; by a walk with her in the garden; by
+the singing of hymns, always attractive to children; by telling us
+wonderful missionary stories of Moffat and Livingstone, whose adventures
+with savages and wild beasts were as exciting as any tale of Mayne
+Reid's. We used to learn passages from the Bible and hymns for
+repetition; a favorite amusement was a "Bible puzzle", such as a
+description of some Bible scene, which was to be recognised by the
+description. Then we taught in the Sunday-school, for Auntie would tell
+us that it was useless for us to learn if we did not try to help those
+who had no one to teach them. The Sunday-school lessons had to be
+carefully prepared on the Saturday, for we were always taught that work
+given to the poor should be work that cost something to the giver. This
+principle, regarded by her as an illustration of the text, "Shall I give
+unto the Lord my God that which has cost me nothing?" ran through all her
+precept and her practice. When in some public distress we children went
+to her crying, and asking whether we could not help the little children
+who were starving, her prompt reply was: "What will you give up for
+them?" And then she said that if we liked to give up the use of sugar, we
+might thus each save 6d. a week to give away. I doubt if a healthier
+lesson can be given to children than that of personal self-denial for the
+good of others.
+
+Daily, when our lessons were over, we had plenty of fun; long walks and
+rides, rides on a lively pony, who found small children most amusing, and
+on which the coachman taught us to stick firmly, whatever his
+eccentricities of the moment; delightful all-day picnics in the lovely
+country round Charmouth, Auntie our merriest playfellow. Never was a
+healthier home, physically and mentally, made for young things than in
+that quiet village. And then the delight of the holidays! The pride of my
+mother at the good report of her darling's progress, and the renewal of
+acquaintance with every nook and corner in the dear old house and garden.
+
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The strong and intense Evangelicalism of Miss Marryat colored the whole
+of my early religious thought. I was naturally enthusiastic and fanciful,
+and was apt to throw myself strongly into the current of the emotional
+life around me, and hence I easily reflected the stern and narrow creed
+which ruled over my daily life. It was to me a matter of the most intense
+regret that Christians did not go about as in the "Pilgrim's Progress",
+armed to do battle with Apollyon and Giant Despair, or fight through a
+whole long day against thronging foes, until night brought victory and
+release. It would have been so easy, I used to think, to do tangible
+battle of that sort, so much easier than to learn lessons, and keep one's
+temper, and mend one's stockings. Quick to learn, my lessons of Bible and
+Prayer Book gave me no trouble, and I repeated page after page with
+little labor and much credit. I remember being praised for my love of the
+Bible, because I had learned by heart all the epistle of St. James's,
+while, as a matter of fact, the desire to distinguish myself was a far
+more impelling motive than any love of "the holy book;" the dignified
+cadences pleased my ear, and were swiftly caught and reproduced, and I
+was proud of the easy fashion in which I mastered and recited page after
+page. Another source of "carnal pride"--little suspected, I fear, by my
+dear instructress--was found in the often-recurring prayer meetings. In
+these the children were called on to take a part, and we were bidden pray
+aloud; this proceeding was naturally a sore trial, and being endued with
+an inordinate amount of "false pride"--the fear of appearing ridiculous,
+_i.e._, with self conceit--it was a great trouble when the summons came:
+"Annie dear, will you speak to our Lord". But the plunge once made, and
+the trembling voice steadied, enthusiasm and facility for cadenced speech
+always swallowed up the nervous "fear of breaking down", and I fear me
+that the prevailing thought was more often that God must think I prayed
+very nicely, than that I was a "miserable sinner", asking "pardon for the
+sake of Jesus Christ". The sense of sin, the contrition for man's fallen
+state, which are required by Evangelicalism, can never be truly felt by
+any child; but whenever a sensitive, dreamy, and enthusiastic child comes
+under strong Evangelistic influence, it is sure to manifest "signs of
+saving grace". As far as I can judge now, the total effect of the
+Calvinistic training was to make me somewhat morbid, but this tendency
+was counteracted by the healthier tone of my mother's thought, and the
+natural gay buoyancy of my nature rose swiftly whenever the pressure of
+the teaching that I was "a child of sin", and could "not naturally please
+God", was removed.
+
+In the spring of 1861, Miss Marryat announced her intention of going
+abroad, and asked my dear mother to let me accompany her. A little nephew
+whom she had adopted was suffering from cataract, and she desired to
+place him under the care of the famous Duesseldorf oculist. Amy Marryat
+had been recalled home soon after the death of her mother, who had died
+in giving birth to the child adopted by Miss Marryat, and named at her
+desire after her favorite brother Frederick (Captain Marryat). Her place
+had been taken by a girl a few months older than myself, Emma Mann, one
+of the daughters of a clergyman who had married a Miss Stanley, closely
+related, indeed if I remember rightly, a sister of the Miss Mary Stanley
+who did such noble work in nursing in the Crimea.
+
+For some months we had been diligently studying German, for Miss Marryat
+thought it wise that we should know a language fairly well before we
+visited the country of which it was the native tongue. We had been
+trained also to talk French daily during dinner, so we were not quite
+"helpless foreigners" when we steamed away from St. Catherine's Docks,
+and found ourselves on the following day in Antwerp, amid what seemed to
+us a very Babel of conflicting tongues. Alas for our carefully spoken
+French, articulated laboriously. We were lost in that swirl of disputing
+luggage-porters, and could not understand a word! But Miss Marryat was
+quite equal to the occasion, being by no means new to travelling, and her
+French stood the test triumphantly, and steered us safely to a hotel. On
+the morrow we started again through Aix-la-Chapelle to Bonn, the town
+which lies on the borders of the exquisite scenery of which the
+Siebengebirge and Rolandseck serve as the magic portal. Our experiences
+in Bonn were not wholly satisfactory. Dear Auntie was a maiden lady,
+looking on all young men as wolves to be kept far from her growing lambs.
+Bonn was a university town, and there was a mania just then prevailing
+there for all things English. Emma was a plump, rosy, fair-haired typical
+English maiden, full of frolic and harmless fun; I a very slight, pale,
+black-haired girl, alternating between wild fun and extreme pensiveness.
+In the boarding-house to which we went at first--the "Chateau du Rhin", a
+beautiful place overhanging the broad blue Rhine--there chanced to be
+staying the two sons of the late Duke of Hamilton, the Marquis of Douglas
+and Lord Charles, with their tutor. They had the whole drawing-room
+floor: we a sitting-room on the ground floor and bedrooms above. The lads
+discovered that Miss Marryat did not like her "children" to be on
+speaking terms with any of the "male sect". Here was a fine source of
+amusement. They would make their horses caracole on the gravel in front
+of our window; they would be just starting for their ride as we went for
+walk or drive, and would salute us with doffed hat and low bow; they
+would waylay us on our way downstairs with demure "Good morning"; they
+would go to church and post themselves so that they could survey our pew,
+and Lord Charles--who possessed the power of moving at will the whole
+skin of the scalp--would wriggle his hair up and down till we were
+choking with laughter, to our own imminent risk. After a month of this,
+Auntie was literally driven out of the pretty _Chateau_, and took refuge
+in a girls' school, much to our disgust, but still she was not allowed to
+be at rest. Mischievous students would pursue us wherever we went;
+sentimental Germans, with gashed cheeks, would whisper complimentary
+phrases as we passed; mere boyish nonsense of most harmless kind, but the
+rather stern English lady thought it "not proper", and after three months
+of Bonn we were sent home for the holidays, somewhat in disgrace. But we
+had some lovely excursions during those months; such clambering up
+mountains, such rows on the swift-flowing Rhine, such wanderings in
+exquisite valleys. I have a long picture-gallery to retire into when I
+want to think of something fair, in recalling the moon as it silvered the
+Rhine at the foot of Drachenfels, or the soft mist-veiled island where
+dwelt the lady who is consecrated for ever by Roland's love.
+
+A couple of months later we rejoined Miss Marryat in Paris, where we
+spent seven happy workful months. On Wednesdays and Saturdays we were
+free from lessons, and many a long afternoon was passed in the galleries
+of the Louvre, till we became familiar with the masterpieces of art
+gathered there from all lands. I doubt if there was a beautiful church in
+Paris that we did not visit during those weekly wanderings; that of St.
+Germain de l'Auxerrois was my favorite--the church whose bell gave the
+signal for the massacre of St. Bartholomew--for it contained such
+marvellous stained glass, deepest purest glory of color that I had ever
+seen. The solemn beauty of Notre Dame, the somewhat gaudy magnificence of
+La Sainte Chapelle, the stateliness of La Madeleine, the impressive gloom
+of St. Roch, were all familiar to us. Other delights were found in
+mingling with the bright crowds which passed along the Champs Elysees and
+sauntered in the Bois de Boulogne, in strolling in the garden of the
+Tuileries, in climbing to the top of every monument whence view of Paris
+could be gained. The Empire was then in its heyday of glitter, and we
+much enjoyed seeing the brilliant escort of the imperial carriage, with
+plumes and gold and silver dancing and glistening in the sunlight, while
+in the carriage sat the exquisitely lovely empress with the little boy
+beside her, touching his cap shyly, but with something of her own grace,
+in answer to a greeting--the boy who was thought to be born to an
+imperial crown, but whose brief career was to find an ending from the
+spears of savages in a quarrel in which he had no concern.
+
+In the spring of 1862 it chanced that the Bishop of Ohio visited Paris,
+and Mr. Forbes, then English chaplain at the Church of the Rue
+d'Aguesseau, arranged to have a confirmation. As said above, I was under
+deep "religious impressions", and, in fact, with the exception of that
+little aberration in Germany, I was decidedly a pious girl. I looked on
+theatres (never having been to one) as traps set by Satan for the
+destruction of foolish souls; I was quite determined never to go to a
+ball, and was prepared to "suffer for conscience sake"--little prig that
+I was--if I was desired to go to one. I was consequently quite prepared
+to take upon myself the vows made in my name at my baptism, and to
+renounce the world, the flesh, and the devil, with a heartiness and
+sincerity only equalled by my profound ignorance of the things I so
+readily resigned. That confirmation was to me a very solemn matter; the
+careful preparation, the prolonged prayers, the wondering awe as to the
+"sevenfold gifts of the Spirit", which were to be given by "the laying on
+of hands", all tended to excitement. I could scarcely control myself as I
+knelt at the altar rails, and felt as though the gentle touch of the aged
+Bishop, which fluttered for an instant on my bowed head, were the very
+touch of the wing of that "Holy Spirit, heavenly Dove", whose presence
+had been so earnestly invoked. Is there anything easier, I wonder, than
+to make a young and sensitive girl "intensely religious".
+
+My mother came over for the confirmation and for the "first communion" on
+Easter Sunday, and we had a delightful fortnight together, returning home
+after we had wandered hand-in-hand over all my favorite haunts. The
+summer of 1862 was spent with Miss Marryat at Sidmouth, and, wise woman
+that she was, she now carefully directed our studies with a view to our
+coming enfranchisement from the "school-room." More and more were we
+trained to work alone; our leading-strings were slackened, so that we
+never felt them save when we blundered; and I remember that when I once
+complained, in loving fashion, that she was "teaching me so little", she
+told me that I was getting old enough to be trusted to work by myself,
+and that I must not expect to "have Auntie for a crutch all through
+life". And I venture to say that this gentle withdrawal of constant
+supervision and teaching was one of the wisest and kindest things that
+this noble-hearted woman ever did for us. It is the usual custom to keep
+girls in the school-room until they "come out"; then, suddenly, they are
+left to their own devices, and, bewildered by their unaccustomed freedom,
+they waste time that might be priceless for their intellectual growth.
+Lately, the opening of universities to women has removed this danger for
+the more ambitious; but at the time of which I am writing no one dreamed
+of the changes soon to be made in the direction of the "higher education
+of women".
+
+During the winter of 1862-1863 Miss Marryat was in London, and for a few
+months I remained there with her, attending the admirable French classes
+of M. Roche. In the spring I returned home to Harrow, going up each week
+to the classes; and when these were over, Auntie told me that she thought
+all she could usefully do was done, and that it was time that I should
+try my wings alone. So well, however, had she succeeded in her aims, that
+my emancipation from the school-room was but the starting-point of more
+eager study, though now the study turned into the lines of thought
+towards which my personal tendencies most attracted me. German I
+continued to read with a master, and music, under the marvellously able
+teaching of Mr. John Farmer, musical director of Harrow School, took up
+much of my time. My dear mother had a passion for music, and Beethoven
+and Bach were her favorite composers. There was scarcely a sonata of
+Beethoven's that I did not learn, scarcely a fugue of Bach's that I did
+not master. Mendelssohn's "Lieder" gave a lighter recreation, and many a
+happy evening did we spend, my mother and I, over the stately strains of
+the blind Titan, and the sweet melodies of the German wordless orator.
+Musical "At Homes", too, were favorite amusements at Harrow, and at these
+my facile fingers made me a welcome guest.
+
+A very pleasant place was Harrow to a light-hearted serious-brained girl.
+The picked men of the Schools of Oxford and Cambridge came there as
+junior masters, so that one's partners at ball and croquet and archery
+could talk as well as flirt. Never girl had, I venture to say, a brighter
+girlhood than mine. Every morning and much of the afternoon spent in
+eager earnest study: evenings in merry party or quiet home-life, one as
+delightful as the other. Archery and croquet had in me a most devoted
+disciple, and the "pomps and vanities" of the ballroom found the happiest
+of votaries. My darling mother certainly "spoiled" me, so far as were
+concerned all the small roughnesses of life. She never allowed a trouble
+of any kind to touch me, and cared only that all worries should fall on
+her, all joys on me. I know now what I never dreamed then, that her life
+was one of serious anxiety. The heavy burden of my brother's school and
+college-life pressed on her constantly, and her need of money was often
+serious. A lawyer whom she trusted absolutely cheated her systematically,
+using for his own purposes the remittances she made for payment of
+liabilities, thus keeping upon her a constant drain. Yet for me all that
+was wanted was ever there. Was it a ball to which we were going? I need
+never think of what I would wear till the time for dressing arrived, and
+there laid out ready for me was all I wanted, every detail complete from
+top to toe. No hand but hers must dress my hair, which, loosed, fell in
+dense curly masses nearly to my knees; no hand but hers must fasten dress
+and deck with flowers, and if I sometimes would coaxingly ask if I might
+not help by sewing in laces, or by doing some trifle in aid, she would
+kiss me and bid me run to my books or my play, telling me that her only
+pleasure in life was caring for her "treasure". Alas! how lightly we take
+the self-denying labor that makes life so easy, ere yet we have known
+what life means when the protecting mother-wing is withdrawn. So guarded
+and shielded had been my childhood and youth from every touch of pain and
+anxiety that love could bear for me, that I never dreamed that life might
+be a heavy burden, save as I saw it in the poor I was sent to help; all
+the joy of those happy years I took, not ungratefully I hope, but
+certainly with as glad unconsciousness of anything rare in it as I took
+the sunlight. Passionate love, indeed, I gave to my darling, but I never
+knew all I owed her till I passed out of her tender guardianship, till I
+left my mother's home. Is such training wise? I am not sure. It makes the
+ordinary roughnesses of life come with so stunning a shock, when one goes
+out into the world, that one is apt to question whether some earlier
+initiation into life's sterner mysteries would not be wiser for the
+young. Yet it is a fair thing to have that joyous youth to look back
+upon, and at least it is a treasury of memory that no thief can steal in
+the struggles of later life.
+
+During those happy years my brain was given plenty of exercise. I used to
+keep a list of the books I read, so that I might not neglect my work; and
+finding a "Library of the Fathers" on the shelves, I selected that for
+one _piece de resistance_. Soon those strange mystic writers won over me
+a great fascination, and I threw myself ardently into a study of the
+question: "Where is now the Catholic Church?". I read Pusey, and Liddon,
+and Keble, with many another of that school, and many of the seventeenth
+century English divines. I began to fast--to the intense disapproval of
+my mother, who cared for my health far more than for all the Fathers the
+Church could boast of--to use the sign of the cross, to go to weekly
+communion. Indeed, the contrast I found between my early Evangelical
+training and the doctrines of the Primitive Christian Church would have
+driven me over to Rome, had it not been for the proofs afforded by Pusey
+and his co-workers, that the English Church might be Catholic although
+non-Roman. But for them I should most certainly have joined the Papal
+Communion; for if the Church of the early centuries be compared with Rome
+and with Geneva, there is no doubt that Rome shows marks of primitive
+Christianity of which Geneva is entirely devoid. I became content when I
+found that the practices and doctrines of the Anglican Church could be
+knitted on to those of the martyrs and confessors of the early Church,
+for it had not yet struck me that the early Church might itself be
+challenged. To me, at that time, the authority of Jesus was supreme and
+unassailable; his apostles were his infallible messengers; Clement of
+Rome, Polycarp, and Barnabas, these were the very pupils of the apostles
+themselves. I never dreamed of forgeries, of pious frauds, of writings
+falsely ascribed to venerated names. Nor do I now regret that so it was;
+for, without belief, the study of the early Fathers would be an
+intolerable weariness; and that old reading of mine has served me well in
+many of my later controversies with Christians, who knew the literature
+of their Church less well than I.
+
+To this ecclesiastical reading was added some study of stray scientific
+works, but the number of these that came in my way was very limited. The
+atmosphere surrounding me was literary rather than scientific. I remember
+reading a translation of Plato that gave me great delight, and being
+rather annoyed by the insatiable questionings of Socrates. Lord Derby's
+translation of the Iliad also charmed me with its stateliness and melody,
+and Dante was another favorite study. Wordsworth and Cowper I much
+disliked, and into the same category went all the 17th and 18th century
+"poets," though I read them conscientiously through. Southey fascinated
+me with his wealth of Oriental fancies, while Spencer was a favorite
+book, put beside Milton and Dante. My novel reading was extremely
+limited; indeed the "three volume novel" was a forbidden fruit. My mother
+regarded these ordinary love-stories as unhealthy reading for a young
+girl, and gave me Scott and Kingsley, but not Miss Braddon or Mrs. Henry
+Wood. Nor would she take me to the theatre, though we went to really good
+concerts. She had a horror of sentimentality in girls, and loved to see
+them bright and gay, and above all things absolutely ignorant of all evil
+things and of premature love-dreams. Happy, healthy and workful were
+those too brief years.
+
+
+
+IV.
+
+
+My grandfather's house, No. 8, Albert Square, Clapham Road, was a second
+home from my earliest childhood.
+
+That house, with its little strip of garden at the back, will always
+remain dear and sacred to me. I can see now the two almond trees, so rich
+in blossom every spring, so barren in fruit every autumn; the large
+spreading tufts of true Irish shamrock, brought from Ireland, and
+lovingly planted in the new grey London house, amid the smoke; the little
+nooks at the far end, wherein I would sit cosily out of sight reading a
+favorite book. Inside it was but a commonplace London house, only one
+room, perhaps, differing from any one that might have been found in any
+other house in the square. That was my grandfather's "work-room", where
+he had a lathe fitted up, for he had a passion and a genius for inventive
+work in machinery. He took out patents for all sorts of ingenious
+contrivances, but always lost money. His favorite invention was of a
+"railway chair", for joining the ends of rails together, and in the
+ultimate success of this he believed to his death. It was (and is) used
+on several lines, and was found to answer splendidly, but the old man
+never derived any profit from his invention. The fact was he had no
+money, and those who had took it up and utilised it, and kept all the
+profit for themselves. There were several cases in which his patents
+dropped, and then others took up his inventions, and made a commercial
+success thereof.
+
+A strange man altogether was that grandfather of mine, whom I can only
+remember as a grand-looking old man, with snow-white hair and piercing
+hawk's eyes. The merriest of wild Irishmen was he in his youth, and I
+have often wished that his biography had been written, if only as a
+picture of Dublin society at the time. He had an exquisite voice, and one
+night he and some of his wild comrades went out singing through the
+streets as beggars. Pennies, sixpences, shillings, and even half-crowns
+came showering down in recompense of street music of such unusual
+excellence; then the young scamps, ashamed of their gains, poured them
+all into the hat of a cripple they met, who must have thought that all
+the blessed saints were out that night in the Irish capital. On another
+occasion he went to the wake of an old woman who had been bent nearly
+double by rheumatism, and had been duly "laid out", and tied down firmly,
+so as to keep the body straight in the recumbent position. He hid under
+the bed, and when the whisky was flowing freely, and the orgie was at its
+height, he cut the ropes with a sharp knife, and the old woman suddenly
+sat up in bed, frightening the revellers out of their wits, and, luckily
+for my grandfather, out of the room. Many such tales would he tell, with
+quaint Irish humor, in his later days. He died, from a third stroke of
+paralysis, in 1862.
+
+The Morrises were a very "clannish" family, and my grandfather's house
+was the London centre. All the family gathered there on each
+Christmastide, and on Christmas day was always held high festival. For
+long my brother and I were the only grandchildren within reach, and were
+naturally made much of. The two sons were out in India, married, with
+young families. The youngest daughter was much away from home, and a
+second was living in Constantinople, but three others lived with their
+father and mother. Bessie, the eldest of the whole family, was a woman of
+rigid honor and conscientiousness, but poverty and the struggle to keep
+out of debt had soured her, and "Aunt Bessie" was an object of dread, not
+of love. One story of her early life will best tell her character. She
+was engaged to a young clergyman, and one day when Bessie was at church
+he preached a sermon taken without acknowledgment from some old divine.
+The girl's keen sense of honor was shocked at the deception, and she
+broke off her engagement, but remained unmarried for the rest of her
+life. "Careful and troubled about many things" was poor Aunt Bessie, and
+I remember being rather shocked one day at hearing her express her
+sympathy with Martha, when her sister left her to serve alone, and at her
+saying: "I doubt very much whether Jesus would have liked it if Martha
+had been lying about on the floor as well as Mary, and there had been no
+supper. But there! it's always those who do the work who are scolded,
+because they have not time to be as sweet and nice as those who do
+nothing." Nor could she ever approve of the treatment of the laborers in
+the parable, when those who "had borne the burden and heat of the day"
+received but the same wage as those that had worked but one hour. "It was
+not just", she would say doggedly. A sad life was hers, for she repelled
+all sympathy, and yet later I had reason to believe that she half broke
+her heart because none loved her well. She was ever gloomy,
+unsympathising, carping, but she worked herself to death for those whose
+love she chillily repulsed. She worked till, denying herself every
+comfort, she literally dropped. One morning, when she got out of bed, she
+fell, and crawling into bed again, quietly said she could do no more; lay
+there for some months, suffering horribly with unvarying patience; and
+died, rejoicing that at last she would have "rest".
+
+Two other "Aunties" were my playfellows, and I their pet. Minnie, a
+brilliant pianiste, earned a precarious livelihood by teaching music. The
+long fasts, the facing of all weathers, the weary rides in omnibuses with
+soaked feet, broke down at last a splendid constitution, and after some
+three years of torture, commencing with a sharp attack of English
+cholera, she died the year before my marriage. But during my girlhood she
+was the gayest and merriest of my friends, her natural buoyancy
+re-asserting itself whenever she could escape from her musical
+tread-mill. Great was my delight when she joined my mother and myself for
+our spring or summer trips, and when at my favorite St. Leonards--at the
+far unfashionable end, right away from the gay watering-place folk--we
+settled down for four or five happy weeks of sea and country, and when
+Minnie and I scampered over the country on horseback, merry as children
+set free from school. My other favorite auntie was of a quieter type, a
+soft pretty loving little woman. "Co" we called her, for she was "such a
+cosy little thing", her father used to say. She was my mother's favorite
+sister, her "child", she would name her, because "Co" was so much her
+junior, and when she was a young girl the little child had been her
+charge. "Always take care of little Co", was one of my mother's dying
+charges to me, and fortunately "little Co" has--though the only one of my
+relatives who has done so--clung to me through change of faith, and
+through social ostracism. Her love for me, and her full belief that,
+however she differed from me, I meant right, have never varied, have
+never been shaken. She is intensely religious--as will be seen in the
+later story, wherein her life was much woven with mine--but however much
+"darling Annie's" views or actions might shock her, it is "darling Annie"
+through it all; "You are so good" she said to me the last time I saw her,
+looking up at me with all her heart in her eyes; "anyone so good as you
+must come to our dear Lord at last!" As though any, save a brute, could
+be aught but good to "little Co".
+
+On the Christmas following my eighteenth birthday, a little Mission
+Church in which Minnie was much interested, was opened near Albert
+Square. My High Church enthusiasm was in full bloom, and the services in
+this little Mission Church were "high", whereas those in all the
+neighboring churches were "low". A Mr. Hoare, an intensely earnest man,
+was working there in most devoted fashion, and was glad to welcome any
+aid; we decorated his church, worked ornaments for it, and thought we
+were serving God when we were really amusing ourselves in a small place
+where our help was over-estimated, and where the clergy, very likely
+unconsciously, flattered us for our devotion. Among those who helped to
+carry on the services there, was a young undermaster of Stockwell Grammar
+School, the rev. Frank Besant, a Cambridge man, who had passed as 28th
+wrangler in his year, and who had just taken orders. At Easter we were
+again at Albert Square, and devoted much time to the little church,
+decking it on Easter Eve with soft yellow tufts of primrose blossom, and
+taking much delight in the unbounded admiration bestowed on the dainty
+spring blossoms by the poor who crowded in. I made a lovely white cross
+for the super-altar with camelias and azaleas and white geraniums, but
+after all it was not really as spring-like, as suitable for a
+"Resurrection", as the simple sweet wild flowers, still dewy from their
+nests in field and glade and lane.
+
+That Easter was memorable to me for another cause. It saw waked and
+smothered my first doubt. That some people did doubt the historical
+accuracy of the Bible I knew, for one or two of the Harrow masters were
+friends of Colenso, the heretic Bishop of Natal, but fresh from my
+Patristic studies, I looked on heretics with blind horror, possibly the
+stronger from its very vagueness, and its ignorance of what it feared. My
+mother objected to my reading controversial books which dealt with the
+points at issue between Christianity and Freethought, and I did not care
+for her favorite Stanley, who might have widened my views, regarding him
+(on the word of Pusey) as "unsound in the faith once delivered to the
+saints". I had read Pusey's book on "Daniel the prophet", and, knowing
+nothing of the criticisms he attacked, I felt triumphant at his
+convincing demonstrations of their error, and felt sure that none but the
+wilfully blind could fail to see how weak were the arguments of the
+heretic writers. That stately preface of his was one of my favorite
+pieces of reading, and his dignified defence against all novelties of
+"that which must be old because it is eternal, and must be unchangeable
+because it is true", at once charmed and satisfied me. The delightful
+vagueness of Stanley, which just suited my mother's broad views, because
+it _was_ vague and beautiful, was denounced by Pusey--not unwarrantably--
+as that "variegated use of words which destroys all definiteness of
+meaning". When she would bid me not be uncharitable to those with whom I
+differed in matters of religion, I would answer in his words, that
+"charity to error is treason to truth", and that to speak out the truth
+unwaveringly as it was revealed, was alone "loyalty to God and charity to
+the souls of men".
+
+Judge, then, of my terror at my own results when I found myself betrayed
+into writing down some contradictions from the Bible. With that poetic
+dreaming which is one of the charms of Catholicism, whether English or
+Roman, I threw myself back into the time of the first century as the
+"Holy Week" of 1866 approached. In order to facilitate the realisation of
+those last sacred days of God incarnate on earth, working out man's
+salvation, I resolved to write a brief history of that week, compiled
+from the four gospels, meaning then to try and realise each day the
+occurrences that had happened on the corresponding date in A.D. 33, and
+so to follow those "blessed feet" step by step, till they were
+
+  "... nailed for our advantage to the bitter cross."
+
+With the fearlessness which springs from ignorance I sat down to my
+task. My method was as follows:
+
+     MATTHEW.     |      MARK.      |      LUKE.      |     JOHN.
+                  |                 |                 |
+   PALM SUNDAY.   |   PALM SUNDAY.  |   PALM SUNDAY.  |   PALM SUNDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Rode into         | Rode into       | Rode into       | Rode into
+Jerusalem.        | Jerusalem.      | Jerusalem.      | Jerusalem. Spoke
+Purified the      | Returned to     | Purified the    | in the Temple.
+Temple. Returned  | Bethany.        | Temple. Note:   |
+to Bethany.       |                 | "Taught daily   |
+                  |                 | in the Temple". |
+                  |                 |                 |
+     MONDAY.      |     MONDAY.     |     MONDAY.     |     MONDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Cursed the fig    | Cursed the fig  | Like Matthew.   |
+tree. Taught in   | tree. Purified  |                 |
+the Temple, and   | the Temple.     |                 |
+spake many        | Went out of     |                 |
+parables. No      | city.           |                 |
+breaks shown,     |                 |                 |
+but the fig tree  |                 |                 |
+(xxi., 19) did    |                 |                 |
+not wither till   |                 |                 |
+Tuesday (see      |                 |                 |
+Mark).            |                 |                 |
+                  |                 |                 |
+     TUESDAY.     |     TUESDAY.    |     TUESDAY.    |    TUESDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+All chaps, xxi.,  | Saw fig tree    | Discourses. No  |
+20, xxii.-xxv.,   | withered up.    | date shown.     |
+spoken on Tues-   | Then discourses.|                 |
+day, for xxvi., 2 |                 |                 |
+gives Passover as |                 |                 |
+"after two days". |                 |                 |
+                  |                 |                 |
+    WEDNESDAY.    |    WEDNESDAY.   |    WEDNESDAY.   |    WEDNESDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Blank.            |                 |                 |
+(Possibly remained in Bethany; the alabaster box of ointment.)
+                  |                 |                 |
+    THURSDAY.     |    THURSDAY.    |    THURSDAY.    |    THURSDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Preparation of    | Same as Matt.   | Same as Matt.   | Discourses with
+Passover. Eating  |                 |                 | disciples, but
+of Passover,      |                 |                 | _before_ the
+and institution   |                 |                 | Passover. Washes
+of the Holy Eu-   |                 |                 | the disciples'
+charist. Gesthse- |                 |                 | feet. Nothing said
+mane. Betrayal    |                 |                 | of Holy Eucharist,
+by Judas. Led     |                 |                 | nor of agony in
+captive to Caia-  |                 |                 | Gethsemane.
+phas. Denied by   |                 |                 | Malchus' ear.
+St. Peter.        |                 |                 | Led captive to
+                  |                 |                 | Annas first. Then
+                  |                 |                 | to Caiaphas. Denied
+                  |                 |                 | by St. Peter.
+                  |                 |                 |
+     FRIDAY.      |     FRIDAY.     |     FRIDAY.     |      FRIDAY.
+                  |                 |                 |
+Led to Pilate.    | As Matthew,     | Led to Pilate.  | Taken to Pilate.
+Judas hangs       | but hour of     | Sent to Herod.  | Jews would not
+himself. Tried.   | crucifixion     | Sent back to    | enter, that they
+Condemned to      | given, 9 a.m.   | Pilate. Rest as | might eat the
+death. Scourged   |                 | in Matthew; but | Passover.
+and mocked.       |                 | _one_  male-    | Scourged by Pi-
+Led to cruci-     |                 | factor repents. | late before con-
+fixion. Darkness  |                 |                 | demnation, and
+from 12 to 3.     |                 |                 | mocked. Shown by
+Died at 3.        |                 |                 | Pilate to Jews
+                  |                 |                 | at 12.
+
+At this point I broke down. I had been getting more and more uneasy and
+distressed as I went on, but when I found that the Jews would not go into
+the judgment hall lest they should be defiled, because they desired to
+eat the passover, having previously seen that Jesus had actually eaten
+the passover with his disciples the evening before; when after writing
+down that he was crucified at 9 a.m., and that there was darkness over
+all the land from 12 to 3 p.m., I found that three hours after he was
+crucified he was standing in the judgment hall, and that at the very hour
+at which the miraculous darkness covered the earth; when I saw that I was
+writing a discord instead of a harmony, I threw down my pen and shut up
+my Bible. The shock of doubt was, however only momentary. I quickly
+recognised it as a temptation of the devil, and I shrank back
+horror-stricken and penitent for the momentary lapse of faith. I saw that
+these apparent contradictions were really a test of faith, and that there
+would be no credit in believing a thing in which there were no
+difficulties. _Credo quia impossibile_; I repeated Tertullian's words at
+first doggedly, at last triumphantly. I fasted as penance for my
+involuntary sin of unbelief. I remembered that the Bible must not be
+carelessly read, and that St. Peter had warned us that there were in it
+"some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and
+unstable wrest unto their own destruction". I shuddered at the
+"destruction" to the edge of which my unlucky "harmony" had drawn me, and
+resolved that I would never again venture on a task for which I was so
+evidently unfitted. Thus the first doubt was caused, and though swiftly
+trampled down, it had none the less raised its head. It was stifled, not
+answered, for all my religious training had led me to regard a doubt as a
+sin to be repented of, not examined. And it left in my mind the dangerous
+feeling that there were some things into which it was safer not to
+enquire too closely; things which must be accepted on faith, and not too
+narrowly scrutinised. The awful threat: "He that believeth not shall be
+damned," sounded in my ears, and, like the angel with the flaming sword,
+barred the path of all too curious enquiry.
+
+
+
+V.
+
+
+The spring ripened into summer in uneventful fashion, so far as I was
+concerned, the smooth current of my life flowing on untroubled, hard
+reading and merry play filling the happy days. I learned later that two
+or three offers of marriage reached my mother for me; but she answered to
+each: "She is too young. I will not have her troubled." Of love-dreams I
+had absolutely none, partly, I expect, from the absence of fiery novels
+from my reading, partly because my whole dream-tendencies were absorbed
+by religion, and all my fancies ran towards a "religious life". I longed
+to spend my time in worshipping Jesus, and was, as far as my inner life
+was concerned, absorbed in that passionate love of "the Savior" which,
+among emotional Catholics, really is the human passion of love
+transferred to an ideal--for women to Jesus, for men to the Virgin Mary.
+In order to show that I am not here exaggerating, I subjoin a few of the
+prayers in which I found daily delight, and I do this in order to show
+how an emotional girl may be attracted by these so-called devotional
+exercises.
+
+"O crucified Love, raise in me fresh ardors of love and consolation, that
+it may henceforth be the greatest torment I can endure ever to offend
+Thee; that it may be my greatest delight to please Thee."
+
+"Let the remembrance of Thy death, O Lord Jesu, make me to desire and
+pant after Thee, that I may delight in Thy gracious presence."
+
+"O most sweet Jesu Christ, I, unworthy sinner, yet redeemed by Thy
+precious blood.... Thine I am and will be, in life and in death."
+
+"O Jesu, beloved, fairer than the sons of men, draw me after Thee with
+the cords of Thy love."
+
+"Blessed are Thou, O most merciful God, who didst vouchsafe to espouse me
+to the heavenly Bridegroom in the waters of baptism, and hast imparted
+Thy body and blood as a new gift of espousal and the meet consummation of
+Thy love."
+
+"O most sweet Lord Jesu, transfix the affections of my inmost soul with
+that most joyous and most healthful wound of Thy love, with true, serene,
+most holy, apostolic charity; that my soul may ever languish and melt
+with entire love and longing for Thee. Let it desire Thee and faint for
+Thy courts; long to be dissolved and be with Thee."
+
+"Oh, that I could embrace Thee with that most burning love of angels."
+
+"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth; for Thy love is better
+than wine. Draw me, we will run after Thee. The king hath brought me into
+his chambers.... Let my soul, O Lord, feel the sweetness of Thy presence.
+May it taste how sweet Thou art.... May the sweet and burning power of
+Thy love, I beseech Thee, absorb my soul."
+
+To my dear mother this type of religious thought was revolting. But then,
+she was a woman who had been a wife and a devoted one, while I was a
+child awaking into womanhood, with emotions and passions dawning and not
+understood, emotions and passions which craved satisfaction, and found it
+in this "Ideal Man". Thousands of girls in England are to-day in exactly
+this mental phase, and it is a phase full of danger. In America it is
+avoided by a frank, open, unsentimental companionship between boys and
+girls, between young men and young women. In England, where this wisely
+free comradeship is regarded as "improper", the perfectly harmless and
+natural sexual feeling is either dwarfed or forced, and so we have
+"prudishness" and "fastness". The sweeter and more loving natures become
+prudes; the more shallow as well as the more high-spirited and merry
+natures become flirts. Often, as in my own case, the merry side finds its
+satisfaction in amusements that demand active physical exercise, while
+the loving side finds its joy in religious expansion, in which the
+idealised figure of Jesus becomes the object of passion, and the life of
+the nun becomes the ideal life, as being dedicated to that one devotion.
+To the girl, of course, this devotion is all that is most holy, most
+noble, most pure. But analysing it now, after it has long been a thing of
+the past, I cannot but regard it as a mere natural outlet for the dawning
+feelings of womanhood, certain to be the more intense and earnest as the
+nature is deep and loving.
+
+One very practical and mischievous result of this religious feeling is
+the idealisation of all clergymen, as being the special messengers of,
+and the special means of communication with, the "Most High". The priest
+is surrounded by the halo of Deity. The power that holds the keys of
+heaven and of hell becomes the object of reverence and of awe. Far more
+lofty than any title bestowed by earthly monarch is that patent of
+nobility straight from the hand of the "King of kings", which seems to
+give to the mortal something of the authority of the immortal, to crown
+the head of the priest with the diadem which belongs to those who are
+"kings and priests unto God". Swayed by these feelings, the position of a
+clergyman's wife seems second only to that of the nun, and has therefore
+a wonderful attractiveness, an attractiveness in which the particular
+clergyman affected plays a very subordinate part; it is the "sacred
+office", the nearness to "holy things", the consecration involved, which
+seem to make the wife a nearer worshipper than those who do not partake
+in the immediate "services of the altar"--it is all these that shed a
+glamor over the clerical life which attracts most those who are most apt
+to self-devotion, most swayed by imagination. I know how incomprehensible
+this will seem to many of my readers, but it is a fact none the less, and
+the saddest pity of it is that the glamor is most over those whose brains
+are quick and responsive to all forms of noble emotions, all suggestions
+of personal self-sacrifice; and if such later rise to the higher emotions
+whose shadows have attracted them, and to that higher self-sacrifice
+whose whispers reached them in their early youth, then the false
+prophet's veil is raised, and the life is either wrecked, or through
+storm-wind and surge of battling billows, with loss of mast and sail, is
+steered by firm hand into the port of a higher creed.
+
+My mother, Minnie, and I passed the summer holidays at St. Leonards, and
+many a merry gallop had we over our favorite fields, I on a favorite
+black mare, Gipsy Queen, as full of life and spirits as I was myself, who
+danced gaily over ditch and hedge, thinking little of my weight, for I
+rode barely eight stone. At the end of those, our last free summer
+holidays, we returned as usual to Harrow, and shortly afterwards I went
+to Switzerland with some dear friends of ours named Roberts.
+
+Everyone about Manchester will remember Mr. Roberts, the solicitor, the
+"poor man's lawyer". Close friend of Ernest Jones, and hand-in-hand with
+him through all his struggles, Mr. Roberts was always ready to fight a
+poor man's battle for him without fee, and to champion any worker
+unfairly dealt with. He worked hard in the agitation which saved women
+from working in the mines, and I have heard him tell how he had seen them
+toiling, naked to the waist, with short petticoats barely reaching to
+their knees, rough, foul-tongued, brutalised out of all womanly decency
+and grace; and how he had seen little children working there too, babies
+of three and four set to watch a door, and falling asleep at their work
+to be roused by curse and kick to the unfair toil. The old man's eye
+would begin to flash and his voice to rise as he told of these horrors,
+and then his face would soften as he added that, after it was all over
+and the slavery was put an end to, as he went through a coal-district the
+women standing at their doors would lift up their children to see "Lawyer
+Roberts" go by, and would bid "God bless him" for what he had done. This
+dear old man was my first tutor in Radicalism, and I was an apt pupil. I
+had taken no interest in politics, but had unconsciously reflected more
+or less the decorous Whiggism which had always surrounded me. I regarded
+"the poor" as folk to be educated, looked after, charitably dealt with,
+and always treated with most perfect courtesy, the courtesy being due
+from me, as a lady, to all equally, whether they were rich or poor. But
+to Mr. Roberts "the poor" were the working-bees, the wealth producers,
+with a right to self-rule, not to looking after, with a right to justice,
+not to charity, and he preached his doctrines to me, in season and out of
+season. "What do you think of John Bright?" he demanded of me one day. "I
+have never thought of him at all," I answered lightly. "Isn't he a rather
+rough sort of man, who goes about making rows?" "There, I thought so," he
+broke out fiercely. "That's just what they say. I believe some of you
+fine ladies would not go to heaven if you had to rub shoulders with John
+Bright, the noblest man God ever gave to the cause of the poor." And then
+he launched out into stories of John Bright's work and John Bright's
+eloquence, and showed me the changes that work and eloquence had made in
+the daily lives of the people.
+
+With Mr. Roberts, his wife, and two daughters, I went to Switzerland as
+the autumn drew near. It would be of little interest to tell how we went
+to Chamounix and worshipped Mont Blanc, how we crossed the Mer de Glace
+and the Mauvais Pas, how we visited the Monastery of St. Bernard (I
+losing my heart to the beautiful dogs), how we went by steamer down the
+lake of Thun, how we gazed at the Jungfrau and saw the exquisite
+Staubbach, how we visited Lausanne, and Berne, and Geneva, how we stood
+beside the wounded Lion, and shuddered in the dungeon of Chillon, how we
+walked distances we never should have attempted in England, how we
+younger ones lost ourselves on a Sunday afternoon, after ascending a
+mountain, and returned footsore and weary, to meet a party going out to
+seek us with lanterns and ropes. All these things have been so often
+described that I will not add one more description to the list, nor dwell
+on that strange feeling of awe, of wonder, of delight, that everyone must
+have felt, when the glory of the peaks clad in "everlasting snow" is for
+the first time seen against the azure sky on the horizon, and you whisper
+to yourself, half breathless: "The Alps! The Alps!"
+
+During that autumn I became engaged to the Rev. Frank Besant, giving up
+with a sigh of regret my dreams of the "religious life", and substituting
+for them the work which would have to be done as the wife of a priest,
+laboring ever in the church and among the poor. A queer view, some people
+may think, for a girl to take of married life, but it was the natural
+result of my living the life of the Early Church, of my enthusiasm for
+religious work. To me a priest was a half-angelic creature, whose whole
+life was consecrated to heaven; all that was deepest and truest in my
+nature chafed against my useless days, longed for work, yearned to devote
+itself, as I had read women saints had done, to the service of the church
+and the poor, to the battling against sin and misery. "You will have more
+opportunity for doing good as a clergyman's wife than as anything else,"
+was one of the pleas urged on my reluctance. My ignorance of all that
+marriage meant was as profound as though I had been a child of four, and
+my knowledge of the world was absolutely _nil_. My darling mother meant
+all that was happiest for me when she shielded me from all knowledge of
+sorrow and of sin, when she guarded me from the smallest idea of the
+marriage relation, keeping me ignorant as a baby till I left her home a
+wife. But looking back now on all, I deliberately say that no more fatal
+blunder can be made than to train a girl to womanhood in ignorance of all
+life's duties and burdens, and then to let her face them for the first
+time away from all the old associations, the old helps, the old refuge on
+the mother's breast. That "perfect innocence" maybe very beautiful, but
+it is a perilous possession, and Eve should have the knowledge of good
+and of evil ere she wanders forth from the paradise of a mother's love.
+When a word is never spoken to a girl that is not a caress; when
+necessary rebuke comes in tone of tenderest reproach; when "You have
+grieved me" has been the heaviest penalty for a youthful fault; when no
+anxiety has ever been allowed to trouble the young heart--then, when the
+hothouse flower is transplanted, and rough winds blow on it, it droops
+and fades.
+
+The spring and summer of 1867 passed over with little of incident, save
+one. We quitted Harrow, and the wrench was great. My brother had left
+school, and had gone to Cambridge; the master, who had lived with us for
+so long, had married and had gone to a house of his own; my mother
+thought that as she was growing older, the burden of management was
+becoming too heavy, and she desired to seek an easier life. She had saved
+money enough to pay for my brother's college career, and she determined
+to invest the rest of her savings in a house in St. Leonard's, where she
+might live for part of the year, letting the house during the season. She
+accordingly took and furnished a house in Warrior Square, and we moved
+thither, saying farewell to the dear Old Vicarage, and the friends loved
+for so many happy years.
+
+At the end of the summer, my mother and I went down to Manchester, to pay
+a long visit to the Roberts's; a very pleasant time we passed there, a
+large part of mine being spent on horseback, either leaping over a bar in
+the meadow, or scouring the country far and wide. A grave break, however,
+came in our mirth. The Fenian troubles were then at their height. On
+September 11th, Colonel Kelly and Captain Deasy, two Fenian leaders, were
+arrested in Manchester, and the Irish population was at once thrown into
+a terrible ferment. On the 18th, the police van containing them was
+returning from the Court to the County Gaol at Salford, and as it reached
+the railway arch which crosses the Hyde Road at Bellevue, a man sprang
+out, shot one of the horses, and thus stopped the van. In a moment it was
+surrounded by a small band, armed with revolvers and with crowbars, and
+the crowbars were wrenching at the locked door. A reinforcement of police
+was approaching, and there was no time to be lost. The rescuers called to
+Brett, a sergeant of police who was in charge inside the van, to pass the
+keys out, and, on his refusal, there was a cry: "Blow off the lock!". The
+muzzle of a revolver was placed against the lock, and the revolver was
+discharged. Unhappily, poor Brett had stooped down to try and see through
+the keyhole what was going on outside, and the bullet, fired to blow open
+the lock, entered his head, and he fell dying on the floor. The rescuers
+rushed in, and one Allen, a lad of seventeen, opened the doors of the
+compartments in which were Kelly and Deasy, and hurriedly pulled them
+out. Two or three of the band, gathering round them, carried them off
+across the fields to a place of safety, while the rest gallantly threw
+themselves between their rescued friends and the strong body of police
+which charged down after the fugitives. With their revolvers pointed,
+they kept back the police, until they saw that the two Fenian leaders
+were beyond all chance of capture, and then they scattered, flying in all
+directions. Young William Allen, whose one thought had been for his
+chiefs, was the earliest victim. As he fled, he raised his hand and fired
+his revolver straight in the air; he had been ready to use it in defence
+of others, he would not shed blood for himself. Disarmed by his own act,
+he was set upon by the police, brutally struck down, kicked and stoned by
+his pursuers, and then, bruised and bleeding, he was dragged off to gaol,
+to meet there some of his comrades in much the same plight. The whole
+city of Manchester went mad over the story, and the fiercest
+race-passions at once blazed out into flame; it became dangerous for an
+Irish workman to be alone in a group of Englishmen, for an Englishman to
+venture into the Irish quarter of the city. The friends of the arrested
+Irishmen went straight to "Lawyer Roberts", and begged his aid, and he
+threw himself heart and soul into their defence. He soon found that the
+man who had fired the fatal shot was safe out of the way, having left
+Manchester at once, and he trusted that it would at least be possible to
+save his clients from the death-penalty. A Special Commission was issued,
+with Mr. Justice Blackburn at its head. "They are going to send that
+hanging judge," groaned Mr. Roberts when he heard it, and we felt there
+was small chance of escape for the prisoners. He struggled hard to have
+the _venue_ of the trial changed, protesting that in the state of
+excitement in which Manchester was, there was no chance of obtaining an
+impartial jury. But the cry for blood and for revenge was ringing through
+the air, and of fairness and impartiality there was no chance. On the
+25th of October, the prisoners were actually brought up before the
+magistrates _in irons_, and Mr. Ernest Jones, the counsel briefed to
+defend them, after a vain protest against the monstrous outrage, threw
+down his brief and quitted the Court. The trial was hurried on, and on
+October 29th, Allen, Larkin, Gould (O'Brien), Maguire, and Condon, stood
+before their judges.
+
+We drove up to the court; the streets were barricaded; soldiers were
+under arms; every approach was crowded by surging throngs. At last, our
+carriage was stopped in the midst of excited Irishmen, and fists were
+shaken in the window, curses levelled at the "d----d English who were
+going to see the boys murdered". For a moment things were uncomfortable,
+for we were five women of helpless type. Then I bethought myself that we
+were unknown, and, like the saucy girl I was, I leant forward and touched
+the nearest fist. "Friends, these are Mr. Roberts' wife and daughters."
+"Roberts! Lawyer Roberts! God bless Roberts. Let his carriage through."
+And all the scowling faces became smile-wreathen, and cheers sounded out
+for curses, and a road was cleared for us to the steps.
+
+Very sad was that trial. On the first day Mr. Roberts got himself into
+trouble which threatened to be serious. He had briefed Mr. Digby Seymour,
+Q.C. as leader, with Mr. Ernest Jones, for the defence, and he did not
+think that the jurymen proposed were challenged as they should be. We
+knew that many whose names were called were men who had proclaimed their
+hostility to the Irish, and despite the wrath of Judge Blackburn, Mr.
+Roberts would jump up and challenge them. In vain he threatened to commit
+the sturdy solicitor. "These men's lives are at stake, my lord," he said
+indignantly. At last the officers of the court were sharply told: "Remove
+that man," but as they advanced reluctantly--for all poor men loved and
+honored him--Judge Blackburn changed his mind and let him remain. At last
+the jury was empanelled, containing one man who had loudly proclaimed
+that he "didn't care what the evidence was, he would hang every d----d
+Irishman of the lot". In fact, the verdict was a foregone conclusion. The
+most disreputable evidence was admitted; the suppositions of women of
+lowest character were accepted as conclusive; the _alibi_ for Maguire--
+clearly proved, and afterwards accepted by the Crown, a free pardon being
+issued on the strength of it--was rejected with dogged obstinacy; how
+premeditated was the result may be guessed from the fact that I saw--with
+what shuddering horror may be estimated--some official in the room behind
+the judges' chairs, quietly preparing the black caps before the verdict
+had been given. The verdict of "Guilty" was repeated in each of the five
+cases, and the prisoners were asked by the presiding judge if they had
+anything to say why sentence should not be passed on them. Allen spoke
+briefly and bravely; he had not fired a shot, but he had helped to free
+Kelly and Deasy; he was willing to die for Ireland. The others followed
+in turn, Maguire protesting his innocence, and Condon declaring also that
+he was not present (he also was reprieved). Then the sentence of death
+was passed, and "God save Ireland"! rang out in five clear voices in
+answer from the dock.
+
+We had a sad scene that night; the young girl to whom poor Allen was
+engaged was heartbroken at her lover's doom, and bitter were her cries to
+"save my William!". No protests, no pleas, however, availed to mitigate
+the doom, and on November 23rd, Allen, Larkin, and O'Brien were hanged
+outside Salford gaol. Had they striven for freedom in Italy, England
+would have honored them as heroes; here she buried them as common
+murderers in quicklime in the prison yard.
+
+I have found, with a keen sense of pleasure, that Mr. Bradlaugh and
+myself were in 1867 to some extent co-workers, although we knew not of
+each other's existence, and although he was doing much, and I only giving
+such poor sympathy as a young girl might, who was only just awakening to
+the duty of political work. I read in the _National Reformer_ for
+November 24, 1867, that in the preceding week, he was pleading on
+Clerkenwell Green for these men's lives:
+
+"According to the evidence at the trial, Deasy and Kelly were illegally
+arrested. They had been arrested for vagrancy of which no evidence was
+given, and apparently remanded for felony without a shadow of
+justification. He had yet to learn that in England the same state of
+things existed as in Ireland; he had yet to learn that an illegal arrest
+was sufficient ground to detain any of the citizens of any country in the
+prisons of this one. If he were illegally held, he was justified in using
+enough force to procure his release. Wearing a policeman's coat gave no
+authority when the officer exceeded his jurisdiction. He had argued this
+before Lord Chief Justice Erle in the Court of Common Pleas, and that
+learned judge did not venture to contradict the argument which he
+submitted. There was another reason why they should spare these men,
+although he hardly expected the Government to listen, because the
+Government sent down one of the judges who was predetermined to convict
+the prisoners; it was that the offence was purely a political one. The
+death of Brett was a sad mischance, but no one who read the evidence
+could regard the killing of Brett as an intentional murder. Legally, it
+was murder; morally, it was homicide in the rescue of a political
+captive. If it were a question of the rescue of the political captives of
+Varignano, or of political captives in Bourbon, in Naples, or in Poland,
+or in Paris, even earls might be found so to argue. Wherein is our sister
+Ireland less than these? In executing these men, they would throw down
+the gauntlet for terrible reprisals. It was a grave and solemn question.
+It had been said by a previous speaker that they were prepared to go to
+any lengths to save these Irishmen. They were not. He wished they were.
+If they were, if the men of England, from one end to the other, were
+prepared to say, "These men shall not be executed," they would not be. He
+was afraid they had not pluck enough for that. Their moral courage was
+not equal to their physical strength. Therefore he would not say that
+they were prepared to do so. They must plead _ad misericordiam_. He
+appealed to the press, which represented the power of England; to that
+press which in its panic-stricken moments had done much harm, and which
+ought now to save these four doomed men. If the press demanded it, no
+Government would be mad enough to resist. The memory of the blood which
+was shed in 1798 rose up like a bloody ghost against them to-day. He only
+feared that what they said upon the subject might do the poor men more
+harm than good. If it were not so, he would coin words that should speak
+in words of fire. As it was, he could only say to the Government: You are
+strong to-day; you hold these men's lives in your hands; but if you want
+to reconcile their country to you, if you want to win back Ireland, if
+you want to make her children love you--then do not embitter their hearts
+still more by taking the lives of these men. Temper your strength with
+mercy; do not use the sword of justice like one of vengeance; for the day
+may come when it shall be broken in your hands, and you yourselves
+brained by the hilt of the weapon you have so wickedly wielded."
+
+In October he had printed a plea for Ireland, strong and earnest,
+asking:--
+
+"Where is our boasted English freedom when you cross to Kingstown pier?
+Where has it been for near two years? The Habeas Corpus Act suspended,
+the gaols crowded, the steamers searched, spies listening at shebeen
+shops for sedition, and the end of it a Fenian panic in England. Oh,
+before it be too late, before more blood shall stain the pages of our
+present history, before we exasperate and arouse bitter animosities, let
+us try and do justice to our sister land. Abolish once and for all the
+land laws, which in their iniquitous operation have ruined her peasantry.
+Sweep away the leech-like Church which has sucked her vitality, and has
+given her back no word even of comfort in her degradation. Turn her
+barracks into flax mills, encourage a spirit of independence in her
+citizens, restore to her people the protection of the law, so that they
+may speak without fear of arrest, and beg them to plainly and boldly
+state their grievances. Let a commission of the best and wisest amongst
+Irishmen, with some of our highest English judges added, sit solemnly to
+hear all complaints, and then let us honestly legislate, not for the
+punishment of the discontented, but to remove the causes of the
+discontent. It is not the Fenians who have depopulated Ireland's strength
+and increased her misery. It is not the Fenians who have evicted tenants
+by the score. It is not the Fenians who have checked cultivation. Those
+who have caused the wrong at least should frame the remedy."
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+
+In December, 1867, I was married at St. Leonards, and after a brief trip
+to Paris and Southsea, we went to Cheltenham where Mr. Besant had
+obtained a mastership. We lived at first in lodgings, and as I was very
+much alone, my love for reading had full swing. Quietly to myself I
+fretted intensely for my mother, and for the daily sympathy and
+comradeship that had made my life so fair. In a strange town, among
+strangers, with a number of ladies visiting me who talked only of
+servants and babies--troubles of which I knew nothing--who were
+profoundly uninterested in everything that had formed my previous life,
+in theology, in politics, in questions of social reform, and who looked
+on me as "strange" because I cared more for the great struggles outside
+than for the discussions of a housemaid's young man, or the amount of
+"butter when dripping would have done perfectly well, my dear," used by
+the cook--under such circumstances it will not seem marvellous that I
+felt somewhat forlorn. I found refuge, however, in books, and
+energetically carried on my favorite studies; next, I thought I would try
+writing, and took up two very different lines of composition; I wrote
+some short stories of a very flimsy type, and also a work of a much more
+ambitious character, "The Lives of the Black Letter Saints". For the sake
+of the unecclesiastically trained it may be well to mention that in the
+Calendar of the Church of England there are a number of Saints' Days;
+some of these are printed in red, and are Red Letter Days, for which
+services are appointed by the Church; others are printed in black, and
+are Black Letter Days, and have no special services fixed for them. It
+seemed to me that it would be interesting to take each of these days and
+write a sketch of the life of the saint belonging to it, and accordingly
+I set to work to do so, and gathered various books of history and legend
+wherefrom to collect my "facts". I don't in the least know what became of
+that valuable book; I tried Macmillans with it, and it was sent on by
+them to someone who was preparing a series of church books for the young;
+later I had a letter from a Church brotherhood offering to publish it, if
+I would give it as an "act of piety" to their order; its ultimate fate is
+to me unknown.
+
+The short stories were more fortunate. I sent the first to the _Family
+Herald_, and some weeks afterwards received a letter from which dropped a
+cheque as I opened it. Dear me! I have earned a good deal of money since
+by my pen, but never any that gave me the intense delight of that first
+thirty shillings. It was the first money I had ever earned, and the pride
+of the earning was added to the pride of authorship. In my childish
+delight and practical religion, I went down on my knees and thanked God
+for sending it to me, and I saw myself earning heaps of golden guineas,
+and becoming quite a support of the household. Besides, it was "my very
+own", I thought, and a delightful sense of independence came over me. I
+had not then realised the beauty of the English law, and the dignified
+position in which it placed the married woman; I did not understand that
+all a married woman earned by law belonged to her owner, and that she
+could have nothing that belonged to her of right.[1] I did not want the
+money: I was only so glad to have something of my own to give, and it was
+rather a shock to learn that it was not really mine at all.
+
+[Footnote 1: This odious law has now been altered, and a married woman is
+a person, not a chattel.]
+
+From time to time after that, I earned a few pounds for stories in the
+same journal; and the _Family Herald,_ let me say, has one peculiarity
+which should render it beloved by poor authors; it pays its contributor
+when it accepts the paper, whether it prints it immediately or not; thus
+my first story was not printed for some weeks after I received the
+cheque, and it was the same with all others accepted by the same journal.
+Encouraged by these small successes, I began writing a novel! It took a
+long time to do, but was at last finished, and sent off to the _Family
+Herald._ The poor thing came back, but with a kind note, telling me that
+it was too political for their pages, but that if I would write one of
+"purely domestic interest", and up to the same level, it would probably
+be accepted. But by that time I was in the full struggle of theological
+doubt, and that novel of "purely domestic interest" never got itself
+written.
+
+I contributed further to the literature of my country a theological
+pamphlet, of which I forget the exact title, but it dealt with the duty
+of fasting incumbent on all faithful Christians, and was very patristic
+in its tone.
+
+In January, 1869, my little son was born, and as I was very ill for some
+months before,--and was far too much interested in the tiny creature
+afterwards, to devote myself to pen and paper, my literary career was
+checked for a while. The baby gave a new interest and a new pleasure to
+life, and as we could not afford a nurse I had plenty to do in looking
+after his small majesty. My energy in reading became less feverish when
+it was done by the side of the baby's cradle, and the little one's
+presence almost healed the abiding pain of my mother's loss.
+
+I may pass very quickly over the next two years. In August, 1870, a
+little sister was born to my son, and the recovery was slow and tedious,
+for my general health had been failing for some time. I was, among other
+things, fretting much about my mother, who was in sore trouble. A lawyer
+in whom she had had the most perfect confidence betrayed it; for years
+she had paid all her large accounts through him, and she had placed her
+money in his hands. Suddenly he was discovered by his partners to have
+been behaving unfairly; the crash came, and my mother found that all the
+money given by her for discharge of liabilities had vanished, while the
+accounts were unpaid, and that she was involved in debt to a very serious
+extent. The shock was a very terrible one to her, for she was too old to
+begin the world afresh. She sold off all she had, and used the money, as
+far as it would go, to pay the debts she believed to have been long ago
+discharged, and she was thus left penniless after thinking she had made a
+little competence for her old age. Lord Hatherley's influence obtained
+for my brother the post of undersecretary to the Society of Arts, and
+also some work from the Patent Office, and my mother went to live with
+him. But the dependence was intolerable to her, though she never let
+anyone but myself know she suffered, and even I, until her last illness,
+never knew how great her suffering had been. The feeling of debt weighed
+on her, and broke her heart; all day long while my brother was at his
+office, through the bitter winter weather, she would sit without a fire,
+lighting it only a little before his home-coming, so that she might save
+all the expense she could; often and often she would go out about
+half-past twelve, saying that she was going out to lunch, and would walk
+about till late in the afternoon, so as to avoid the lunch-hour at home.
+I have always felt that the winter of 1870-1 killed her, though she lived
+on for three years longer; it made her an old broken woman, and crushed
+her brave spirit. How often I have thought since: "If only I had not left
+her! I should have seen she was suffering, and should have saved her."
+One little chance help I gave her, on a brief visit to town. She was
+looking very ill, and I coaxed out of her that her back was always
+aching, and that she never had a moment free from pain. Luckily I had
+that morning received a letter containing L2 2s. from my liberal _Family
+Herald_ editor, and as, glancing round the room, I saw there were only
+ordinary chairs, I disregarded all questions as to the legal ownership of
+the money, and marched out without saying a word, and bought for L1 15s.
+a nice cushiony chair, just like one she used to have at Harrow, and had
+it sent home to her. For a moment she was distressed, but I told her I
+had earned the money, and so she was satisfied. "Oh, the rest!" she said
+softly once or twice during the evening. I have that chair still, and
+mean to keep it as long as I live.
+
+In the spring of 1871 both my children were taken ill with hooping-cough.
+The boy, Digby, vigorous and merry, fought his way through it with no
+danger, and with comparatively little suffering; Mabel, the baby, had
+been delicate since her birth; there had been some little difficulty in
+getting her to breathe after she was born, and a slight tendency
+afterwards to lung-delicacy. She was very young for so trying a disease
+as hooping-cough, and after a while bronchitis set in, and was followed
+by congestion of the lungs. For weeks she lay in hourly peril of death;
+we arranged a screen round the fire like a tent, and kept it full of
+steam to ease the panting breath, and there I sat all through those weary
+weeks with her on my lap, day and night. The doctor said that recovery
+was impossible, and that in one of the fits of coughing she must die; the
+most distressing thing was that at last the giving of a drop or two of
+milk brought on the terrible convulsive choking, and it seemed cruel to
+torture the apparently dying child. At length, one morning when the
+doctor was there, he said that she could not last through the day; I had
+sent for him hurriedly, for her body had swollen up rapidly, and I did
+not know what had happened; the pleura of one lung had become perforated,
+and the air escaping into the cavity of the chest had caused the
+swelling; while he was there, one of the fits of coughing came on, and it
+seemed as though it would be the last; the doctor took a small bottle of
+chloroform out of his pocket, and putting a drop on a handkerchief, held
+it near the child's face, till the drug soothed the convulsive struggle.
+"It can't do any harm at this stage," he said, "and it checks the
+suffering." He went away, saying that he would return in the afternoon,
+but he feared he would never see the child alive again. One of the
+kindest friends I had in my married life was that same doctor, Mr.
+Lauriston Winterbotham; he was as good as he was clever, and, like so
+many of his noble, profession, he had the merits of discretion and of
+silence.
+
+That chance thought of his about the chloroform, verily, I believe, saved
+the child's life. Whenever one of the convulsive fits was coming on I
+used it, and so not only prevented to a great extent the violence of the
+attacks, but also the profound exhaustion that followed them, when of
+breath at the top of the throat showing that she still lived. At last,
+though more than once we had thought her dead, a change took place for
+the better, and the child began slowly to mend. For years, however, that
+struggle for life left its traces on her, not only in serious
+lung-delicacy but also in a form of epileptic fits. In her play she would
+suddenly stop, and become fixed for about a minute, and then go on again
+as though nothing had occurred. On her mother a more permanent trace was
+left.
+
+Not unnaturally, when the child was out of danger, I collapsed from sheer
+exhaustion, and I lay in bed for a week. But an important change of mind
+dated from those silent weeks with a dying child on my knees. There had
+grown up in my mind a feeling of angry resentment against the God who had
+been for weeks, as I thought, torturing my helpless baby. For some months
+a stubborn antagonism to the Providence who ordained the sufferings of
+life had been steadily increasing in me, and this sullen challenge, "Is
+God good?" found voice in my heart during those silent nights and days.
+My mother's sufferings, and much personal unhappiness, had been,
+intensifying the feeling, and as I watched my baby in its agony, and felt
+so helpless to relieve, more than once the indignant cry broke from my
+lips: "How canst thou torture a baby so? What has she done that she
+should suffer so? Why dost thou not kill her at once, and let her be at
+peace?" More than once I cried aloud: "O God, take the child, but do not
+torment her." All my personal belief in God, all my intense faith in his
+constant direction of affairs, all my habit of continual prayer and of
+realisation of his presence, were against me now. To me he was not an
+abstract idea, but a living reality, and all my mother-heart rose up in
+rebellion against this person in whom I believed, and whose individual
+finger I saw in my baby's agony.
+
+At this time I met a clergyman--I do not give his name lest I should
+injure him--whose wider and more liberal views of Christianity exercised
+much influence over me during the months of struggle that followed. Mr.
+Besant had brought him to me while the child was at her worst, and I
+suppose something of the "Why is it?" had, unconsciously to me, shown
+itself to his keen eyes. On the day after his visit, I received from him
+the following letter, in which unbeliever as well as believer may
+recognise the deep human sympathy and noble nature of the writer:--
+
+"April 21st, 1871.
+
+"MY DEAR MRS. BESANT,--I am painfully conscious that I gave you but
+little help in your trouble yesterday. It is needless to say that it was
+not from want of sympathy. Perhaps it would be nearer the truth to say
+that it was from excess of sympathy. I shrink intensely from meddling
+with the sorrow of anyone whom I feel to be of a sensitive nature.
+
+'The heart hath its own bitterness, and the stranger meddleth not
+therewith.'
+
+It is to me a positively fearful thought that I might await a reflection
+as
+
+  'And common was the common place,
+  And vacant chaff well meant for grain'.
+
+Conventional consolations, conventional verses out of the Bible and
+conventional prayers are, it seems to me, an intolerable aggravation of
+suffering. And so I acted on a principle that I mentioned to your
+husband, that 'there is no power so great as that of one human faith
+looking upon another human faith'. The promises of God, the love of
+Christ for little children, and all that has been given to us of hope and
+comfort, are as deeply planted in your heart as in mine, and I did not
+care to quote them. But when I talk face to face with one who is in sore
+need of them, my faith in them suddenly becomes so vast and
+heart-stirring that I think I must help most by talking naturally, and
+letting the faith find its own way from soul to soul. Indeed I could not
+find words for it if I tried. And yet I am compelled, as a messenger of
+the glad tidings of God, to solemnly assure you that all is well. We have
+no key to the 'Mystery of Pain', excepting the Cross of Christ. But there
+is another and a deeper solution in the hands of our Father. And it will
+be ours when we can understand it. There is--in the place to which we
+travel--some blessed explanation of your baby's pain and your grief,
+which will fill with light the darkest heart. Now you must believe
+without having seen; that is true faith. You must
+
+  'Reach a hand through time to catch
+  The far-oft interest of tears'.
+
+That you may have strength so to do is part of your share in the prayers
+of yours very faithfully, W. D----."
+
+During the summer months I saw much of this clergyman, Mr. D---- and his
+wife. We grew into closer intimacy in consequence of the dangerous
+illness of their only child, a beautiful boy a few months old. I had
+gained quite a name in Cheltenham as a nurse--my praises having been sung
+by the doctor--and Mrs. D---- felt she could trust me even with her
+darling boy while she snatched a night's sorely needed rest. My
+questionings were not shirked by Mr. D----, nor discouraged; he was
+neither horrified nor sanctimoniously rebuking, but met them all with a
+wide comprehension inexpressibly soothing to one writhing in the first
+agony of real doubt. The thought of hell was torturing me; somehow out of
+the baby's pain through those seemingly endless hours had grown a dim
+realisation of what hell might be, full of the sufferings of the beloved,
+and my whole brain and heart revolted from the unutterable cruelty of a
+creating and destroying God. Mr. D---- lent me Maurice and Robertson, and
+strove to lead me into their wider hope for man, their more trustful
+faith in God.
+
+Everyone who has doubted after believing knows how, after the first
+admitted and recognised doubt, others rush in like a flood, and how
+doctrine after doctrine starts up in new and lurid light, looking so
+different in aspect from the fair faint outlines in which it had shone
+forth in the soft mists of faith. The presence of evil and pain in the
+world made by a "good God", and the pain falling on the innocent, as on
+my seven months' old babe; the pain here reaching on into eternity
+unhealed; these, while I yet believed, drove me desperate, and I believed
+and hated, instead of like the devils, "believed and trembled". Next, I
+challenged the righteousness of the doctrine of the Atonement, and while
+I worshipped and clung to the suffering Christ, I hated the God who
+required the death sacrifice at his hands. And so for months the turmoil
+went on, the struggle being all the more terrible for the very
+desperation with which I strove to cling to some planks of the wrecked
+ship of faith on the tossing sea of doubt.
+
+After Mr. D---- left Cheltenham, as he did in the early autumn of 1871,
+he still aided me in my mental struggles. He had advised me to read
+McLeod Campbell's work on the Atonement, as one that would meet many of
+the difficulties that lay on the surface of the orthodox view, and in
+answer to a letter dealing with this really remarkable work, he wrote
+(Nov. 22, 1871):
+
+"(1) The two passages on pp. 25 and 108 you doubtless interpret quite
+rightly. In your third reference to pp. 117, 188, you forget one great
+principle--that God is impassive; cannot suffer. Christ, qua _God_, did
+not suffer, but as Son of _Man_ and in his _humanity_. Still, it may be
+correctly stated that He felt to sin and sinners 'as God eternally
+feels'--_i.e., abhorrence of sin and love of the sinner_. But to infer
+from that that the Father in his Godhead feels the sufferings which
+Christ experienced solely in humanity, and because incarnate, is, I
+think, wrong.
+
+"(2) I felt strongly inclined to blow you up for the last part of your
+letter. You assume, I think quite gratuitously, that God condemns the
+major part of his children to objectless future suffering. You say that
+if he does not, he places a book in their hands which threatens what he
+does not mean to inflict. But how utterly this seems to me opposed to the
+gospel of Christ. All Christ's reference to eternal punishment may be
+resolved into reference to the Valley of Hinnom, by way of imagery; with
+the exception of the Dives parable, where is distinctly inferred a moral
+amendment beyond the grave. I speak of the unselfish desire of Dives to
+save his brothers. The more I see of the controversy the more baseless
+does the eternal punishment theory appear. It seems, then, to me, that
+instead of feeling aggrieved and shaken, you ought to feel encouraged and
+thankful that God is so much better than you were taught to believe him.
+You will have discovered by this time, in Maurice's 'What is Revelation'
+(I suppose you have the 'Sequel' too?) that God's truth _is_ our truth,
+and his love is our love, only more perfect and full. There is no
+position more utterly defeated in modern philosophy and theology, than
+Dean Mansel's attempt to show that God's justice, love, etc., are
+different in kind from ours. Mill and Maurice, from totally alien points
+of view, have shown up the preposterous nature of the notion.
+
+"(3) A good deal of what you have thought is, I fancy, based on a strange
+forgetfulness of your former experience. If you have known Christ (whom
+to know is eternal life)--and that you have known him I am certain--can
+you really say that a few intellectual difficulties, nay, a few moral
+difficulties if you will, are able at once to obliterate the testimony of
+that higher state of being?
+
+"Why, the keynote of all my theology is that Christ is loveable because,
+and _just_ because, he is the perfection of all that I know to be noble
+and generous, and loving, and tender, and true. If an angel from heaven
+brought me a gospel which contained doctrines that would not stand the
+test of such perfect loveableness--doctrines hard, or cruel, or unjust--I
+should reject him and his trumpery gospel with scorn, knowing that
+neither could be Christ's.
+
+"Know Christ and judge religions by him; don't judge him by religions,
+and then complain because you find yourself looking at him through a
+blood-colored glass....
+
+"I am saturating myself with Maurice, who is the antidote given by God to
+this age against all dreary doubtings and temptings of the devil to
+despair."
+
+On these lines weary strife went on for months, until at last brain and
+health gave way completely, and for weeks I lay prostrate and helpless,
+in terrible ceaseless head-pain, unable to find relief in sleep. The
+doctor tried every form of relief in vain; he covered my head with ice,
+he gave me opium--which only drove me mad--he used every means his skill
+could dictate to remove the pain, but all failed. At last he gave up the
+attempt to cure physically, and tried mental diversion; he brought me up
+books on anatomy and persuaded me to study them; I have still an analysis
+made by me at that time of Luther Holden's "Human Osteology ". He was
+wise enough to see that if I were to be brought back to reasonable life,
+it could only be by diverting thought from the currents in which it had
+been running to a dangerous extent.
+
+No one who has not felt it knows the fearful agony caused by doubt to the
+earnestly religious mind. There is in this life no other pain so
+horrible. The doubt seems to shipwreck everything, to destroy the one
+steady gleam of happiness "on the other side" that no earthly storm could
+obscure; to make all life gloomy with a horror of despair, a darkness
+that may verily be felt. Fools talk of Atheism as the outcome of foul
+life and vicious thought. They, in their shallow heartlessness, their
+brainless stupidity, cannot even dimly imagine the anguish of the mere
+penumbra of the eclipse of faith, much less the horror of that great
+darkness in which the orphaned soul cries out into the infinite
+emptiness: "Is it a Devil who has made this world? Are we the sentient
+toys of an Almighty Power, who sports with our agony, and whose peals of
+awful mocking laughter echo the wailings of our despair?"
+
+
+
+VII.
+
+
+On recovering from that prostrating physical pain, I came to a very
+definite decision. I resolved that, whatever might be the result, I would
+take each dogma of the Christian religion, and carefully and thoroughly
+examine it, so that I should never again say "I believe" where I had not
+proved. So, patiently and steadily, I set to work. Four problems chiefly
+at this time pressed for solution. I. The eternity of punishment after
+death. II. The meaning of "goodness" and "love" as applied to a God who
+had made this world with all its evil and its misery. III. The nature of
+the atonement of Christ, and the "justice" of God in accepting a
+vicarious suffering from Christ, and a vicarious righteousness from the
+sinner. IV. The meaning of "inspiration" as applied to the Bible, and the
+reconciliation of the perfection of the author with the blunders and the
+immoralities of the work.
+
+Maurice's writings now came in for very careful study, and I read also
+those of Robertson, of Brighton, and of Stopford Brooke, striving to find
+in these some solid ground whereon I might build up a new edifice of
+faith. That ground, however, I failed to find; there were poetry, beauty,
+enthusiasm, devotion; but there was no rock on which I might take my
+stand. Mansel's Bampton lectures on "The Limits of Religious Thought"
+deepened and intensified my doubts. His arguments seemed to make
+certainty impossible, and I could not suddenly turn round and believe to
+order, as he seemed to recommend, because proof was beyond reach. I could
+not, and would not, adore in God as the highest Righteousness that which,
+in man was condemned as harsh, as cruel, and as unjust.
+
+In the midst of this long mental struggle, a change occurred in the
+outward circumstances of my life. I wrote to Lord Hatherley and asked him
+if he could give Mr. Besant a Crown living, and he offered us first one
+in Northumberland, near Alnwick Castle, and then one in Lincolnshire, the
+village of Sibsey, with a vicarage house, and an income of L410 per
+annum. We decided to accept the latter.
+
+The village was scattered over a considerable amount of ground, but the
+work was not heavy. The church was one of the fine edifices for which the
+fen country is so famous, and the vicarage was a comfortable house, with
+large and very beautiful gardens and paddock, and with outlying fields.
+The people were farmers and laborers, with a sprinkling of shopkeepers;
+the only "society" was that of the neighboring clergy, Tory and prim to
+an appalling extent. There was here plenty of time for study, and of that
+time I vigorously availed myself. But no satisfactory light came to me,
+and the suggestions and arguments of my friend Mr. D---- failed to bring
+conviction to my mind. It appeared clear to me that the doctrine of
+Eternal Punishment was taught in the Bible, and the explanations given of
+the word "eternal" by men like Maurice and Stanley, did not recommend
+themselves to me as anything more than skilful special pleading--
+evasions, not clearings up, of a moral difficulty. For the problem was:
+Given a good God, how can he have created mankind, knowing beforehand
+that the vast majority of those whom he had created were to be tortured
+for evermore? Given a just God, how can he punish people for being
+sinful, when they have inherited a sinful nature without their own choice
+and of necessity? Given a righteous God, how can he allow sin to exist
+for ever, so that evil shall be as eternal as good, and Satan shall reign
+in hell, as long as Christ in Heaven? The answer of the Broad church
+school was, that the word "eternal" applied only to God and to life which
+was one with his; that "everlasting" only meant "lasting for an age", and
+that while the punishment of the wicked might endure for ages it was
+purifying, not destroying, and at last all should be saved, and "God
+should be all in all". These explanations had (for a time) satisfied Mr.
+D----, and I find him writing to me in answer to a letter of mine dated
+March 25th, 1872:
+
+"On the subject of Eternal punishment I have now not the remotest doubt.
+It is impossible to handle the subject exhaustively in a letter, with a
+sermon to finish before night. But you _must_ get hold of a few valuable
+books that would solve all kinds of difficulties for you. For most points
+read Stopford Brooke's Sermons--they are simply magnificent, and are
+called (1) Christian modern life, (2) Freedom in the Church of England,
+(3) and (least helpful) 'Sermons'. Then again there is an appendix to
+Llewellyn Davies' 'Manifestation of the Son of God', which treats of
+forgiveness in a future state as related to Christ and Bible. As to that
+special passage about the Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost (to which you
+refer), I will write you my notions on it in a future letter."
+
+A little later, according, he wrote:
+
+"With regard to your passage of difficulty about the unpardonable sin, I
+would say: (1) If that sin is not to be forgiven in the world to come, it
+is implied that all other sins _are forgiven in the world to come_. (2)
+You must remember that our Lord's parables and teachings mainly concerned
+contemporary events and people. I mean, for instance, that in his great
+prophecy of _judgment_ he simply was speaking of the destruction of the
+Jewish polity and nation. The _principles_ involved apply through all
+time, but He did not apply them except to the Jewish nation. He was
+speaking then, not of 'the end of the _world_, (as is wrongly
+translated), but of 'the end of the _age_'. (Every age is wound up with a
+judgment. French Revolutions, Reformations, etc., are all ends of ages
+and judgments.) [Greek aion] does not, cannot, will not, and never did
+mean _world_, but _age_. Well, then, he has been speaking of the Jewish
+people. And he says that all words spoken against the Son of Man will be
+forgiven. But there is a blasphemy against the Holy Spirit of God--there
+is a confusion of good with evil, of light with darkness--which goes
+deeper down than this. When a nation has lost the faculty of
+distinguishing love from hatred, the spirit of falsehood and hypocrisy
+from the spirit of truth, God from the Devil--_then its doom is
+pronounced_--the decree is gone forth against it. As the doom of Judaism,
+guilty of this sin, _was then_ pronounced. As the _decree against it had
+already gone forth. It is a national warning, not an individual one. It
+applies to two ages of this world, and not to two worlds_. All its
+teaching was primarily _national_, and is only thus to be rightly read--
+if not all, rather _most of it_. If you would be sure of this and
+understand it, see the parables, etc., explained in Maurice's 'Gospel of
+the Kingdom of Heaven' (a commentary on S. Luke). I can only indicate
+briefly in a letter the line to be taken on this question.
+
+"With regard to the [Greek: elui, elui, lama sabbachthani]. I don't
+believe that the Father even momentarily hid his face from Him. The life
+of sonship was unbroken. Remark: (1) It is a quotation from a Psalm. (2)
+It rises naturally to a suffering man's lips as expressive of agony,
+though not exactly framed for _his_ individual _agony_. (3) The spirit of
+the Psalm is one of trust, and hope, and full faith, notwithstanding the
+1st verse. (4) Our Lord's agony was very extreme, not merely of body but
+of _soul_. He spoke out of the desolation of one forsaken, not by his
+divine Father but by his human brothers. I have heard sick and dying men
+use the words of beloved Psalms in just such a manner.
+
+"The impassibility of God (1) With regard to the Incarnation, this
+presents no difficulty. Christ suffered simply and entirely as man, was
+too truly a man not to do so. (2) With regard to the Father, the key of
+it is here. 'God _is_ love.' He does not need suffering to train into
+sympathy, because his nature is sympathy. He can afford to dispense with
+hysterics, because he sees ahead that his plan is working to the perfect
+result. I am not quite sure whether I have hit upon your difficulty here,
+as I have destroyed your last letter but one. But the 'Gospel of the
+Kingdom' is a wonderful 'eye-opener'."
+
+Worst of all the puzzles, perhaps, was that of the existence of evil and
+of misery, and the racking doubt whether God _could_ be good, and yet
+look on the evil and the misery of the world unmoved and untouched. It
+seemed so impossible to believe that a Creator could be either cruel
+enough to be indifferent to the misery, or weak enough to be unable to
+stop it: the old dilemma faced me unceasingly. "If he can prevent it, and
+does not, he is not good; if he wishes to prevent it, and cannot, he is
+not almighty;" and out of this I could find no way of escape. Not yet had
+any doubt of the existence of God crossed my mind.
+
+In August, 1872 Mr. D---- tried to meet this difficulty. He wrote:
+
+"With regard to the impassibility of God, I think there is a stone wrong
+among your foundations which causes your difficulty. Another wrong stone
+is, I think, your view of the nature of the _sin_ and _error_ which is
+supposed to grieve God. I take it that sin is an absolutely necessary
+factor in the production of the perfect man. It was foreseen and allowed
+as a means to an end--as in fact an _education_.
+
+"The view of all the sin and misery in the world cannot grieve God, any
+more than it can grieve you to see Digby fail in his first attempt to
+build a card-castle or a rabbit-hutch. All is part of the training. God
+looks at the ideal man to which all tends. The popular idea of the fall
+is to me a very absurd one. There was never an ideal state in the past,
+but there will be in the future. The Genesis allegory simply typifies the
+first awakening of consciousness of good and evil--of two _wills_ in a
+mind hitherto only animal-psychic.
+
+"Well then--there being no occasion for grief in watching the progress of
+his own perfect and unfailing plans--your difficulty in God's
+impassibility vanishes. Christ, _qua_ God, was, of course, impassible
+too. It seems to me that your position implies that God's 'designs' have
+partially (at least) failed, and hence the grief of perfect benevolence.
+Now I stoutly deny that any jot or tittle of God's plans can fail. I
+believe in the ordering of all for the best. I think that the pain
+consequent on broken law is only an inevitable necessity, over which we
+shall some day rejoice.
+
+"The indifference shown to God's love cannot pain Him. Why? because it is
+simply a sign of defectiveness in the creature which the ages will
+rectify. The being who is indifferent is not yet educated up to the point
+of love. But he _will be_. The pure and holy suffering of Christ was
+(pardon me) _wholly_ the consequence of his human nature. True it was
+because of the _perfection_ of his humanity. But his Divinity had nothing
+to do with it. It was his _human heart_ that broke. It was because he
+entered a world of broken laws and of incomplete education that he became
+involved in suffering with the rest of his race.....
+
+"No, Mrs. Besant; I never feel at all inclined to give up the search, or
+to suppose that the other side may be right. I claim no merit for it, but
+I have an invincible faith in the morality of God and the moral order of
+the world. I have no more doubt about the falsehood of the popular
+theology than I have about the unreality of six robbers who attacked me
+three nights ago in a horrid dream. I exult and rejoice in the grandeur
+and freedom of the little bit of truth it has been given me to see. I am
+told that 'Present-day Papers', by Bishop Ewing (edited) are a wonderful
+help, many of them, to puzzled people: I mean to get them. But I am sure
+you will find that the truth will (even so little as we may be able to
+find out) grow on you, make you free, light your path, and dispel, at no
+distant time, your _painful_ difficulties and doubts. I should say on no
+account give up your reading. I think with you that you could not do
+without it. It will be a wonderful source of help and peace to you. For
+there are struggles far more fearful than those of intellectual doubt. I
+am keenly alive to the gathered-up sadness of which your last two pages
+are an expression. I was sorrier than I can say to read them. They
+reminded me of a long and very dark time in my own life, when I thought
+the light never would come. Thank God it came, or I think I could not
+have held out much longer. But you have evidently strength to bear it
+now. The more dangerous time, I should fancy, has passed. You will have
+to mind that the fermentation leaves clear spiritual wine, and not (as
+too often) vinegar.
+
+"I wish I could write something more helpful to you in this great matter.
+But as I sit in front of my large bay window, and see the shadows on the
+grass and the sunlight on the leaves, and the soft glimmer of the
+rosebuds left by the storms, I cannot but believe that all will be very
+well. 'Trust in the Lord; wait patiently for him'--they are trite words.
+But he made the grass, the leaves, the rosebuds, and the sunshine, and he
+is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. And now the trite words have
+swelled into a mighty argument."
+
+Despite reading and argument, my scepticism grew only deeper and deeper.
+The study of W.R. Greg's "Creed of Christendom", of Matthew Arnold's
+"Literature and Dogma", helped to widen the mental horizon, while making
+a return to the old faith more and more impossible. The church services
+were a weekly torture, but feeling as I did that I was only a doubter, I
+spoke to none of my doubts. It was possible, I felt, that all my
+difficulties might be cleared up, and I had no right to shake the faith
+of others while in uncertainty myself. Others had doubted and had
+afterwards believed; for the doubter silence was a duty; the blinded had
+better keep their misery to themselves. I found some practical relief in
+parish work of a non-doctrinal kind, in nursing the sick, in trying to
+brighten a little the lot of the poor of the village. But here, again, I
+was out of sympathy with most of those around me. The movement among the
+agricultural laborers, due to the energy and devotion of Joseph Arch, was
+beginning to be talked of in the fens, and bitter were the comments of
+the farmers on it, while I sympathised with the other side. One typical
+case, which happened some months later, may stand as example of all.
+There was a young man, married, with two young children, who was wicked
+enough to go into a neighboring county to a "Union Meeting", and who was,
+further, wicked enough to talk about it when he returned. He became a
+marked man; no farmer would employ him. He tramped about vainly, looking
+for work, grew reckless, and took to drink. Visiting his cottage one day
+I found his wife ill, a dead child in the bed, a sick child in her arms;
+yes, she "was pining; there was no work to be had". "Why did she leave
+the dead child on the bed? because there was no other place to put it."
+The cottage consisted of one room and a "lean-to", and husband and wife,
+the child dead of fever and the younger child sickening with it, were all
+obliged to lie on the one bed. In another cottage I found four
+generations sleeping in one room, the great-grandfather and his wife, the
+grandmother (unmarried), the mother (unmarried), and the little child,
+while three men-lodgers completed the tale of eight human beings crowded
+into that narrow, ill-ventilated garret. Other cottages were hovels,
+through the broken roofs of which poured the rain, and wherein rheumatism
+and ague lived with the dwellers. How could I do aught but sympathise
+with any combination that aimed at the raising of these poor? But to
+sympathise with Joseph Arch was a crime in the eyes of the farmers, who
+knew that his agitation meant an increased drain on their pockets. For it
+never struck them that, if they paid less in rent to the absent landlord,
+they might pay more in wage to the laborers who helped to make their
+wealth, and they had only civil words for the burden that crushed them,
+and harsh ones for the builders-up of their ricks and the mowers of their
+harvests. They made common cause with their enemy, instead of with their
+friend, and instead of leaguing themselves with the laborers, as forming
+together the true agricultural interest, they leagued themselves with the
+landlords against the laborers, and so made fratricidal strife instead of
+easy victory over the common foe.
+
+In the summer and autumn of 1872, I was a good deal in London with my
+mother.--My health had much broken down, and after a severe attack of
+congestion of the lungs, my recovery was very slow. One Sunday in London,
+I wandered into St. George's Hall, in which Mr. Charles Voysey was
+preaching, and there I bought some of his sermons. To my delight I found
+that someone else had passed through the same difficulties as I about
+hell and the Bible and the atonement and the character of God, and had
+given up all these old dogmas, while still clinging to belief in God. I
+went to St. George's Hall again on the following Sunday, and in the
+little ante-room, after the service, I found myself in a stream of
+people, who were passing by Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, some evidently known to
+him, some strangers, many of the latter thanking him for his morning's
+work. As I passed in my turn I said: "I must thank you for very great
+help in what you have said this morning", for indeed the possibility
+opened of a God who was really "loving unto every man", and in whose care
+each was safe for ever, had come like a gleam of light across the stormy
+sea of doubt and distress on which I had been tossing for nearly twelve
+months. On the following Sunday, I saw them again, and was cordially
+invited down to their Dulwich home, where they gave welcome to all in
+doubt. I soon found that the Theism they professed was free from the
+defects which revolted me in Christianity. It left me God as a Supreme
+Goodness, while rejecting all the barbarous dogmas of the Christian
+faith. I now read Theodore Parker's "Discourse on Religion", Francis
+Newman's "Hebrew Monarchy", and other works, many of the essays of Miss
+Frances Power Cobbe and of other Theistic writers, and I no longer
+believed in the old dogmas and hated while I believed; I no longer
+doubted whether they were true or not; I shook them off, once for all,
+with all their pain, and horror, and darkness, and felt, with relief and
+joy inexpressible, that they were all but the dreams of ignorant and
+semi-savage minds, not the revelation of a God. The last remnant of
+Christianity followed swiftly these cast-off creeds, though, in parting
+with this, one last pang was felt. It was the doctrine of the Deity of
+Christ. The whole teaching of the Broad Church School tends, of course,
+to emphasise the humanity at the expense of the Deity of Christ, and when
+the eternal punishment and the substitutionary atonement had vanished,
+there seemed to be no sufficient reason left for so stupendous a miracle
+as the incarnation of the Deity. I saw that the idea of incarnation was
+common to all Eastern creeds, not peculiar to Christianity; the doctrine
+of the unity of God repelled the doctrine of the incarnation of a portion
+of the Godhead. But the doctrine was dear from association; there was
+something at once soothing and ennobling in the idea of a union between
+Man and God, between a perfect man and divine supremacy, between a human
+heart and an almighty strength. Jesus as God was interwoven with all art,
+with all beauty in religion; to break with the Deity of Jesus was to
+break with music, with painting, with literature; the Divine Child in his
+mother's arms, the Divine Man in his Passion and in his triumph, the
+human friend encircled with the majesty of the Godhead--did inexorable
+Truth demand that this ideal figure, with all its pathos, its beauty, its
+human love, should pass into the Pantheon of the dead Gods of the Past?
+
+
+
+VIII.
+
+
+The struggle was a sharp one ere I could decide that intellectual honesty
+demanded that the question of the Deity of Christ should be analysed as
+strictly as all else, and that the conclusions come to from an impartial
+study of facts should be faced as steadily as though they dealt with some
+unimportant question. I was bound to recognise, however, that more than
+intellectual honesty would be here required, for if the result of the
+study were--as I dimly felt it would be--to establish disbelief in the
+supernatural claims of Christ, I could not but feel that such disbelief
+would necessarily entail most unpleasant external results. I might give
+up belief in all save this, and yet remain a member of the Church of
+England: views on Inspiration, on Eternal Torture, on the Vicarious
+Atonement, however heterodox, might be held within the pale of the
+Church; many broad church clergymen rejected these as decidedly as I did
+myself, and yet remained members of the Establishment; the judgment on
+"Essays and Reviews" gave this wide liberty to heresy within the Church,
+and a laywoman might well claim the freedom of thought legally bestowed
+on divines. The name "Christian" might well be worn while Christ was
+worshipped as God, and obeyed as the "Revealer of the Father's will",
+the "well-beloved Son", the "Savior and Lord of men". But once challenge
+that unique position, once throw off that supreme sovereignty, and then
+it seemed to me that the name "Christian" became a hypocrisy, and its
+renouncement a duty incumbent on an upright mind. But I was a clergyman's
+wife; my position made my participation in the Holy Communion a
+necessity, and my withdrawal therefrom would be an act marked and
+commented upon by all. Yet if I lost my faith in Christ, how could I
+honestly approach "the Lord's Table", where Christ was the central figure
+and the recipient of the homage paid there by every worshipper to "God
+made man"? Hitherto mental pain alone had been the price demanded
+inexorably from the searcher after truth; now to the inner would be added
+the outer warfare, and how could I tell how far this might carry me?
+
+One night only I spent in this struggle over the question: "Shall I
+examine the claims to Deity of Jesus of Nazareth?". When morning broke
+the answer was clearly formulated: "Truth is greater than peace or
+position. If Jesus be God, challenge will not shake his Deity; if he be
+Man, it is blasphemy to worship him." I re-read Liddon's "Bampton
+Lectures" on this controversy and Renan's "Vie de Jesus". I studied the
+Gospels, and tried to represent to myself the life there outlined; I
+tested the conduct there given as I should have tested the conduct of any
+ordinary historical character; I noted that in the Synoptics no claim to
+Deity was made by Jesus himself, nor suggested by his disciples; I
+weighed his own answer to an enquirer, with its plain disavowal of
+Godhood: "Why callest thou me good? There is none good save one, that is
+God" (Matt, xix., 17); I conned over his prayers to "my Father", his rest
+on divine protection, his trust in a power greater than his own; I noted
+his repudiation of divine knowledge: "Of that day and that hour knoweth
+no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, _neither the Son_, but
+the Father" (Mark xiii., 32); I studied the meaning of his prayer of
+anguished submission: "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass
+from me! nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt" (Matt, xxvi.,
+39); I dwelt on his bitter cry in his dying agony: "My God, my God, why
+hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt, xxvii., 46); I asked the meaning of the
+final words of rest: "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit" (Luke
+xxiii., 46). And I saw that, if there were any truth in the Gospels at
+all, they told the story of a struggling, suffering, sinning, praying
+man, and not of a God at all and the dogma of the Deity of Christ
+followed the rest of the Christian doctrines into the limbo of past
+beliefs.
+
+Yet one other effort I made to save myself from the difficulties I
+foresaw in connexion with this final breach with Christianity. There was
+one man who had in former days wielded over me a great influence, one
+whose writings had guided and taught me for many years--Dr. Pusey, the
+venerable leader of the Catholic party in the Church, the learned
+Patristic scholar, full of the wisdom of antiquity. He believed in Christ
+as God; what if I put my difficulties to him? If he resolved them for me
+I should escape the struggle I foresaw; if he could not resolve them,
+then no answer to them was to be hoped for. My decision was quickly made;
+being with my mother, I could write to him unnoticed, and I sat down and
+put my questions clearly and fully, stating my difficulties and asking
+him whether, out of his wider knowledge and deeper reading, he could
+resolve them for me. I wish I could here print his answer, together with
+two or three other letters I received from him, but the packet was
+unfortunately stolen from my desk and I have never recovered it. Dr.
+Pusey advised me to read Liddon's "Bampton Lectures", referred me to
+various passages, chiefly from the Fourth Gospel, if I remember rightly,
+and invited me to go down to Oxford and talk over my difficulties.
+Liddon's "Bampton Lectures" I had thoroughly studied, and the Fourth
+Gospel had no weight with me, the arguments in favor of its Alexandrian
+origin being familiar to me, but I determined to accept his invitation to
+a personal interview, regarding it as the last chance of remaining in the
+Church.
+
+To Oxford, accordingly, I took the train, and made my way to the famous
+Doctor's rooms. I was shown in, and saw a short, stout gentleman, dressed
+in a cassock, and looking like a comfortable monk; but the keen eyes,
+steadfastly gazing straight into mine, told me of the power and subtlety
+hidden by the unprepossessing form. The head was fine and impressive, the
+voice low, penetrating, drilled into a somewhat monotonous and
+artificially subdued tone. I quickly found that no sort of enlightenment
+could possibly result from our interview. He treated me as a penitent
+going to confession, seeking the advice of a director, not as an enquirer
+struggling after truth, and resolute to obtain some firm standing-ground
+in the sea of doubt, whether on the shores of orthodoxy or of heresy. He
+would not deal with the question of the Deity of Jesus as a question for
+argument; he reminded me: "You are speaking of your judge," when I
+pressed some question. The mere suggestion of an imperfection in Jesus'
+character made him shudder in positive pain, and he checked me with
+raised hand, and the rebuke: "You are blaspheming; the very thought is a
+terrible sin". I asked him if he could recommend to me any books which
+would throw light on the subject: "No, no, you have read too much
+already. You must pray; you must pray." Then, as I said that I could not
+believe without proof, I was told: "Blessed are they that have not seen,
+and yet have believed," and my further questioning was checked by the
+murmur: "O my child, how undisciplined! how impatient!". Truly, he must
+have found in me--hot, eager, passionate in my determination to know,
+resolute not to profess belief while belief was absent--but very little
+of that meek, chastened, submissive spirit to which he was accustomed in
+the penitents wont to seek his counsel as their spiritual guide. In vain
+did he bid me pray as though I believed; in vain did he urge the duty of
+blind submission to the authority of the Church, of yielding, unreasoning
+faith, which received but questioned not. He had no conception of the
+feelings of the sceptical spirit; his own faith was solid as a rock--
+firm, satisfied, unshakeable; he would as soon have committed suicide as
+have doubted of the infallibility of the "Universal Church".
+
+"It is not your duty to ascertain the truth," he told me sternly. "It is
+your duty to accept and to believe the truth as laid down by the Church;
+at your peril you reject it; the responsibility is not yours so long as
+you dutifully accept that which the Church has laid down for your
+acceptance. Did not the Lord promise that the presence of the Spirit
+should be ever with his Church, to guide her into all truth?"
+
+"But the fact of the promise and its value are the very points on which I
+am doubtful," I answered.
+
+He shuddered. "Pray, pray," he said. "Father, forgive her, for she knows
+not what she says."
+
+It was in vain I urged that I had everything to gain and nothing to lose
+by following his directions, but that it seemed to me that fidelity to
+truth forbade a pretended acceptance of that which was not believed.
+
+"Everything to lose? Yes, indeed. You will be lost for time and lost for
+eternity."
+
+"Lost or not," I rejoined, "I must and will try to find out what is true,
+and I will not believe till I am sure."
+
+"You have no right to make terms with God," he answered, "as to what you
+will believe and what you will not believe. You are full of intellectual
+pride."
+
+I sighed hopelessly. Little feeling of pride was there in me just then,
+and I felt that in this rigid unyielding dogmatism there was no
+comprehension of my difficulties, no help for me in my strugglings. I
+rose and, thanking him for his courtesy, said that I would not waste his
+time further, that I must go home and just face the difficulties out,
+openly leaving the Church and taking the consequences. Then for the first
+time his serenity was ruffled.
+
+"I forbid you to speak of your disbelief," he cried. "I forbid you to
+lead into your own lost state the souls for whom Christ died."
+
+Slowly and sadly I took my way back to the station, knowing that my last
+chance of escape had failed me. I recognised in this famous divine the
+spirit of the priest, which could be tender and pitiful to the sinner,
+repentant, humble, submissive, craving only for pardon and for guidance,
+but which was iron to the doubter, to the heretic, and would crush out
+all questionings of "revealed truth", silencing by force, not by
+argument, all challenge of the traditions of the Church. Out of such men
+were made the Inquisitors of the Middle Ages, perfectly conscientious,
+perfectly rigid, perfectly merciless to the heretic. To them heretics
+were and are centres of infectious disease, and charity to them "the
+worst cruelty to the souls of men". Certain that they hold "by no merit
+of our own, but by the mercy of our God the one truth which he hath
+revealed", they can permit no questionings, they can accept nought but
+the most complete submission. But while man aspires after truth, while
+his brain yearns after knowledge, while his intellect soars upward into
+the heaven of speculation and "beats the air with tireless wing", so long
+shall those who demand faith be met by challenge for proof, and those who
+would blind him shall be defeated by his determination to gaze
+unblenching on the face of Truth, even though her eyes should turn him
+into stone.
+
+During this same visit to London I saw Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Scott for the
+first time. I had gone down to Dulwich to see Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, and
+after dinner we went over to Upper Norwood, and I was introduced to one
+of the most remarkable men I have ever met. At that time Mr. Scott was an
+old man, with beautiful white hair, and eyes like those of a hawk
+gleaming from under shaggy eyebrows; he had been a man of magnificent
+physique, and though his frame was then enfeebled, the splendid lion-like
+head kept its impressive strength and beauty, and told of a unique
+personality. Of Scotch descent and wellborn, Thomas Scott had, as a boy,
+been a page at the French Court; his manhood was spent in many lands, for
+he "was a mighty hunter", though not "before the Lord". He had lived for
+months among the North American Indians, sharing the hardships of their
+wild life; he had hunted and fished all over the world. At last, he came
+home, married, and ultimately settled down at Ramsgate, where he made his
+home a centre of heretical thought. He issued an enormous number of
+tracts and pamphlets, and each month he sent out a small packet to
+hundreds of subscribers and friends. This monthly issue of heretical
+literature soon made itself a power in the world of thought; the tracts
+were of various shades of opinion, but were all heretical: some moderate,
+some extreme; all were well-written, cultured and polished in tone--this
+was a rule to which Mr. Scott made no exceptions; his writers might say
+what they liked, but they must have something real to say, and they must
+say that something in good English. The little white packets found their
+way into many a quiet country parsonage, into many a fashionable home.
+His correspondence was world-wide and came from all classes--now a letter
+from a Prime Minister, now one from a blacksmith. All were equally
+welcome, and all were answered with equal courtesy. At his house met
+people of the most varying opinions. Colenso, Bishop of Natal, Edward
+Maitland, E. Vansittart Neale, Charles Bray, Sara Hennell, W.J. Birch, R.
+Suffield, and hundreds more, clerics and laymen, scholars and thinkers,
+all gathered in this one home, to which the right of _entree_ was gained
+only by love of Truth and desire to spread Freedom among men.
+
+Mr. Scott devoted his fortune to this great work. He would never let
+publishers have his pamphlets in the ordinary way of trade, but issued
+them all himself and distributed them gratuitously. If anyone desired to
+subscribe, well and good, they might help in the work, but make it a
+matter of business he would not. If anyone sent money for some tracts, he
+would send out double the worth of the money enclosed, and thus for years
+he carried on this splendid propagandist work. In all he was nobly
+seconded by his wife, his "right hand" as he well named her, a sweet,
+strong, gentle, noble woman, worthy of her husband, and than that no
+higher praise can be spoken. Of both I shall have more to say hereafter,
+but at present we are at the time of my first visit to them at Upper
+Norwood, whither they had removed from Ramsgate.
+
+Kindly greeting was given by both, and on Mr. Voysey suggesting that
+judging by one essay of mine that he had seen--an essay which was later
+expanded into the one on "Inspiration", in the Scott series--my pen would
+be useful for propagandist work, Mr. Scott bade me try what I could do,
+and send him for criticism anything I thought good enough for
+publication; he did not, of course, promise to accept an essay, but he
+promised to read it. A question arose as to the name to be attached to
+the essay, in case of publication, and I told him that my name was not my
+own to use, and that I did not suppose that Mr. Besant could possibly, in
+his position, give me permission to attach it to a heretical essay; we
+agreed that any essays I might write should for the present be published
+anonymously, and that I should try my hand to begin with on the subject
+of the "Deity of Jesus of Nazareth". And so I parted from those who were
+to be such good friends to me in the coming time of struggle.
+
+
+
+IX.
+
+
+My resolve was now made, and henceforth there was at least no more doubt
+so far as my position towards the Church was concerned. I made up my mind
+to leave it, but was willing to make the leaving as little obtrusive as
+possible. On my return to Sibsey I stated clearly the ground on which I
+stood. I was ready to attend the Church services, joining in such parts
+as were addressed to "the Supreme Being", for I was still heartily
+Theistic; "the Father", shorn of all the horrible accessories hung round
+him by Christianity, was still to me an object of adoration, and I could
+still believe in and worship One who was "righteous in all His ways, and
+holy in all His works", although the Moloch to whom was sacrificed the
+well-beloved son had passed away for ever from my creed. Christian I was
+not, though Theist I was, and I felt that the wider and more generous
+faith would permit me to bow to the common God with my Christian
+brethren, if only I was not compelled to pay homage to that "Son of Man"
+whom Christians believed divine, homage which to me had become idolatry,
+insulting to the "One God", to him of whom Jesus himself had spoken as of
+"my God and your God".
+
+Simply enough was the difficulty arranged for the moment. It was agreed
+that I should withdraw myself from the "Holy Communion"--for in that
+service, full of the recognition of Jesus as Deity, I could not join
+without hypocrisy. The ordinary services I would attend, merely remaining
+silent during those portions of them in which I could not honestly take
+part, and while I knew that these changes in a clergyman's wife could not
+pass unnoticed in a country village, I yet felt that nothing less than
+this was consistent with barest duty. While I had merely doubted, I had
+kept silence, and no act of mine had suggested doubt to others. Now that
+I had no doubt that Christianity was a delusion, I would no longer act as
+though I believed that to be of God which heart and intellect rejected as
+untrue.
+
+For awhile all went smoothly. I daresay the parishioners gossipped about
+the absence of their vicar's wife from the Sacrament, and indeed I
+remember the pain and trembling wherewith, on the first "Sacrament
+Sunday" after my return, I rose from my seat and walked quietly from the
+church, leaving the white-spread altar. That the vicar's wife should
+"communicate" was as much a matter of course as that the vicar should
+"administer"; I had never in my life taken public part in anything that
+made me noticeable in any way among strangers, and still I can recall the
+feeling of deadly sickness that well nigh overcame me, as rising to go
+out I felt that every eye in the church was on me, and that my exit would
+be the cause of unending comment. As a matter of fact, everyone thought
+that I was taken suddenly ill, and many were the calls and enquiries on
+the following day. To any direct question, I answered quietly that I was
+unable to take part in the profession of faith required from an honest
+communicant, but the statement was rarely necessary, for the idea of
+heresy in a vicar's wife did not readily suggest itself to the ordinary
+bucolic mind, and I did not proffer information when it was unasked for.
+
+It happened that, shortly after that (to me) memorable Christmas of 1872,
+a sharp epidemic of typhoid fever broke out in the village of Sibsey. The
+drainage there was of the most primitive type, and the contagion spread
+rapidly. Naturally fond of nursing, I found in this epidemic work just
+fitted to my hand, and I was fortunate enough to be able to lend personal
+help that made me welcome in the homes of the stricken poor. The mothers
+who slept exhausted while I watched beside their darlings' bedsides will
+never, I like to fancy, think over harshly of the heretic whose hand was
+as tender and often more skilful than their own. I think Mother Nature
+meant me for a nurse, for I take a sheer delight in nursing anyone,
+provided only that there is peril in the sickness, so that there is the
+strange and solemn feeling of the struggle between the human skill one
+wields and the supreme enemy, Death. There is a strange fascination in
+fighting Death, step by step, and this is of course felt to the full
+where one fights for life as life, and not for a life one loves. When the
+patient is beloved, the struggle is touched with agony, but where one
+fights with Death over the body of a stranger, there is a weird
+enchantment in the contest without personal pain, and as one forces back
+the hated foe there is a curious triumph in the feeling which marks the
+death-grip yielding up its prey, as one snatches back to earth the life
+which had well-nigh perished.
+
+Meanwhile, the promise to Mr. Scott was not forgotten, and I penned the
+essay on "The Deity of Jesus of Nazareth" which stands first in the
+collection of essays published later under the title, "My Path to
+Atheism". The only condition annexed to my sending it to Mr. Scott was
+the perfectly fair one that if published it should appear without my
+name. Mr. Scott was well pleased with the essay, and before long it was
+printed as one of the "Scott Series", to my great delight.
+
+But unfortunately a copy sent to a relative of Mr. Besant's brought about
+a storm. That gentlemen did not disagree with it--indeed he admitted that
+all educated persons must hold the views put forward--but what would
+Society say? What would "the county families" think if one of the
+clerical party was known to be a heretic. This dreadful little paper bore
+the inscription "By the wife of a beneficed clergyman"; what would happen
+if the "wife of the beneficed clergyman" were identified with Mrs. Besant
+of Sibsey?
+
+After some thought I made a compromise. Alter or hide my faith I would
+not, but yield personal feelings I would. I gave up my correspondence
+with Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, which might, it was alleged, he noticed in the
+village and so give rise to mischievous gossip. In this Mr. and Mrs.
+Voysey most generously helped me, bidding me rest assured of their
+cordial friendship while counselling me for awhile to cease the
+correspondence which was one of the few pleasures of my life, but was not
+part of my duty to the higher and freer faith which we had all embraced.
+With keen regret I bade them for awhile farewell, and went back to my
+lonely life.
+
+In that spring of 1873, I delivered my first lecture. It was delivered to
+no one, queer as that may sound to my readers. And indeed, it was queer
+altogether. I was learning to play the organ, and was in the habit of
+practising in the church by myself, without a blower. One day, being
+securely locked in, I thought I would like to try how "it felt" to speak
+from the pulpit. Some vague fancies were stirring in me, that I could
+speak if I had the chance; very vague they were, for the notion that I
+might ever speak on the platform had never dawned on me; only the longing
+to find outlet in words was in me; the feeling that I had something to
+say, and the yearning to say it. So, queer as it may seem? I ascended the
+pulpit in the big, empty, lonely church, and there and then I delivered
+my first lecture! I shall never forget the feeling of power and of
+delight which came upon me as my voice rolled down the aisles, and the
+passion in me broke into balanced sentences, and never paused for
+rhythmical expression, while I felt that all I wanted was to see the
+church full of upturned faces, instead of the emptiness of the silent
+pews. And as though in a dream the solitude became peopled, and I saw the
+listening faces and the eager eyes, and as the sentences came unbidden
+from my lips, and my own tones echoed back to me from the pillars of the
+ancient church, I knew of a verity that the gift of speech was mine, and
+that if ever--and it seemed then so impossible--if ever the chance came
+to me of public work, that at least this power of melodious utterance
+should win hearing for any message I had to bring.
+
+But that knowledge remained a secret all to my own self for many a long
+month, for I quickly felt ashamed of that foolish speechifying in an
+empty church, and I only recall it now because, in trying to trace out
+one's mental growth, it is only fair to notice the first silly striving
+after that expression in spoken words, which, later, has become to me one
+of the deepest delights of life. And indeed none can know save they who
+have felt it what joy there is in the full rush of language which, moves
+and sways; to feel a crowd respond to the lightest touch; to see the
+faces brighten or graven at your bidding; to know that the sources of
+human passion and human emotion gush at the word of the speaker, as the
+stream from the riven rock; to feel that the thought that thrills through
+a thousand hearers has its impulse from you and throbs back to you the
+fuller from a thousand heart-beats; is there any joy in life more
+brilliant than this, fuller of passionate triumph, and of the very
+essence of intellectual delight?
+
+My pen was busy, and a second pamphlet, dealing with the Johannine
+gospel, was written and sent up to Mr. Scott under the same conditions of
+anonymity as before, for it was seen that my authorship could in nowise
+be suspected, and Mr. Scott paid me for my work. I had also made a
+collection of Theistic, but non-Christian, hymns, with a view of meeting
+a want felt by Mr. Voysey's congregation at St. George's Hall, and this
+was lying idle, while it might be utilised. So it was suggested that I
+should take up again my correspondence with Mr. and Mrs. Voysey, and glad
+enough was I to do so. During this time my health was rapidly failing,
+and in the summer of 1873 it broke down completely. At last I went up to
+London to consult a physician, and was told I was suffering from general
+nervous exhaustion, which, was accompanied by much disturbance of the
+functions of the heart. "There is no organic disease yet," said Dr.
+Sibson, "but there soon will be, unless you can completely change your
+manner of life." Such a change was not possible, and I grew rapidly
+worse. The same bad adviser who had before raised the difficulty of "what
+will Society say?" again interfered, and urged that pressure should be
+put on me to compel me at least to conform to the outward ceremonies of
+the Church, and to attend the Holy Communion. This I was resolved not to
+do, whatever might be the result of my "obstinacy ", and the result was
+not long in coming.
+
+I had been with the children to Southsea, to see if the change would
+restore my shattered health, and stayed in town with my mother on my
+return under Dr. Sibson's care. Very skilful and very good to me was Dr.
+Sibson, giving me for almost nothing all the wealthiest could have bought
+with their gold, but he could not remove all then in my life which made
+the re-acquiring of health impossible. What the doctor could not do,
+however, others did. It was resolved that I should either resume
+attendance at the Communion, or should not return home; hypocrisy or
+expulsion--such was the alternative; I chose the latter.
+
+A bitterly sad time followed; my dear mother was heartbroken; to her,
+with her wide and vague form of Christianity, loosely held, the intensity
+of my feeling that where I did not believe I would not pretend belief,
+was incomprehensible. She recognised far more fully than I all that a
+separation from my home meant for me, and the difficulties which would
+surround a young woman not yet six-and-twenty, living alone. She knew how
+brutally the world judges, and how the mere fact that a woman is young
+and alone justifies any coarseness of slander. Then, I did not guess how
+cruel men and women could be, but knowing it from eleven years'
+experience, I deliberately say that I would rather go through it all
+again with my eyes wide open from the first, than have passed those
+eleven years "in Society" under the burden of an acted lie.
+
+But the struggle was hard when she prayed me for her sake to give way;
+against harshness I had been rigid as steel, but to remain steadfast when
+my darling mother, whom I loved as I loved nothing else on earth, begged
+me on her knees to yield, was indeed hard. I felt as though it must be a
+crime to refuse submission when she urged it, but still--to live a lie?
+Not even for her was that possible.
+
+Then there were the children, the two little ones who worshipped me, I
+who was to them mother, nurse, and playfellow. Were these also to be
+resigned? For awhile, at least, this complete loss was spared me, for
+facts (which I have not touched on in this record) came accidentally to
+my brother's knowledge, and he resolved that I should have the protection
+of legal separation, and should not be turned wholly penniless and alone
+into the world. So, when everything was arranged, I found myself
+possessed of my little girl, of complete personal freedom, and of a small
+monthly income sufficient for respectable starvation.
+
+
+
+X.
+
+
+The "world was all before us where to choose", but circumstances narrowed
+the choice down to Hobson's. I had no ready money beyond the first
+month's payment of my annuity; furnished lodgings were beyond my means,
+and I had nothing wherewith to buy furniture. My brother offered me a
+home, on condition that I should give up my "heretical friends" and keep
+quiet; but, being freed from one bondage, nothing was further from my
+thoughts than to enter another. Besides, I did not choose to be a burden
+on anyone, and I resolved to "get something to do", to rent a tiny house,
+and to make a nest where my mother, my little girl, and I could live
+happily together. The difficulty was the "something"; I spent various
+shillings in agencies, with a quite wonderful unanimity of failures. I
+tried to get some fancy needlework, advertised as an infallible source of
+income to "ladies in reduced circumstances"; I fitted the advertisement
+admirably, for I was a lady, and my circumstances were decidedly reduced,
+but I only earned 4s. 6d. by weeks of stitching, and the materials cost
+nearly as much as the finished work. I experimented with a Birmingham
+firm, who generously offered everyone an opportunity of adding to their
+incomes, and received in answer to the small fee demanded a pencil-case,
+with an explanation that I was to sell little articles of that
+description--going as far as cruet-stands--to my friends; I did not feel
+equal to springing pencil-cases and cruet-stands casually on my
+acquaintances, so did not start in that business. It would be idle to
+relate all the things I tried, and failed in, until I began to think that
+the "something to do" was not so easy to find as I had expected.
+
+I made up my mind to settle at Upper Norwood, near Mr. and Mrs. Scott,
+who were more than good to me in my trouble; and I fixed on a very little
+house in Colby Road, Gipsy Hill, to be taken from the ensuing Easter.
+Then came the question of furniture; a friend of Mr. Scott's gave me an
+introduction to a manufacturer, who agreed to let me have furniture for a
+bedroom and sitting-room, and to let me pay him by monthly instalments.
+The next thing was to save a few months' annuity, and so have a little
+money in hand, wherewith to buy necessaries on starting, and to this end
+I decided to accept a loving invitation to Folkestone, where my
+grandmother was living with two of my aunts, and there to seek some
+employment, no matter what, provided it gave me food and lodging, and
+enabled me to put aside my few pounds a month.
+
+Relieved from the constant strain of fear and anxiety, my health was
+quickly improving, and the improvement became more rapid after I went
+down with my mother to Folkestone. The hearty welcome offered to me there
+was extended with equal warmth to little Mabel, who soon arrived, a most
+forlorn little maiden. She was only three years old, and she had not seen
+me for some weeks; her passion of delight was pitiful; she clung to me,
+in literal fashion, for weeks afterwards, and screamed if she lost sight
+of me for a moment; it was long before she got over the separation and
+the terror of her lonely journey from Sibsey and London in charge only of
+the guard. But she was a "winsome wee thing", and danced into everyone's
+heart; after "mamma", "granny" was the prime favorite, and my dear mother
+worshipped her first grand-daughter; never was prettier picture than the
+red-golden hair nestled against the white, the baby-grace contrasting
+with the worn stateliness of her tender nurse. From that time forward--
+with the exception of a few weeks of which I shall speak presently and of
+the yearly stay of a month with her father--little Mabel was my constant
+companion, until Sir George Jessel's brutality robbed me of my child. She
+would play contentedly while I was working, a word now and again enough
+to make her happy; when I had to go out without her she would run to the
+door with me, and the "good-bye" came from down-curved lips, and she was
+ever watching at the window for my return, and the sunny face was always
+the first to welcome me home. Many and many a time have I been coming
+home, weary and heart-sick, and the glimpse of the little face watching
+has reminded me that I must not carry in a grave face to sadden my
+darling, and the effort to throw off the dreariness for her sake shook it
+off altogether, and brought back the sunshine. I have never forgiven Sir
+George Jessel, and I never shall, though his death has left me only his
+memory to hate.
+
+At Folkestone, I continued my search for "something to do", and for some
+weeks sought for pupils, thinking I might thus turn my heresy to account.
+But pupils are not readily attainable by a heretic woman, away from her
+natural home, and with a young child as "encumbrance". It chanced,
+however, that the vicar of Folkestone, Mr. Woodward, was then without a
+governess, and his wife was in very delicate health. My people knew him
+well, and as I had plenty of spare time, I offered to teach the children
+for a few hours a day. The offer was gladly accepted, and I soon arranged
+to go and stay at the house for awhile, until he could find a regular
+governess. I thought that at least I could save my small income while I
+was there, and Mabel and I were to be boarded and lodged in exchange for
+my work. This work was fairly heavy, but I did not mind that; it soon
+became heavier. Some serious fault on the part of one or both servants
+led to their sudden retirement, and I became head cook as well as
+governess and nurse. On the whole, I think I shall not try to live by
+cooking, if other trades fail; I don't mind boiling and frying, and
+making pie-crust is rather pleasant, but I do object to lifting saucepans
+and blistering my hands over heavy kettles. There is a certain charm in
+making a stew, especially to the unaccustomed cook, because of the
+excitement of wondering what the result of such various ingredients will
+be, and whether any flavor save that of onions will survive the
+competition in the mixture. On the whole my services as cook were voted
+very successful; I did my cooking better than I did my sweeping: the
+latter was a failure from sheer want of muscular strength.
+
+This curious episode came to an end abruptly. One of my little pupils
+fell ill with diptheria, and I was transformed from cook into sick-nurse.
+I sent my Mabel off promptly to her dear grandmother's care, and gave
+myself up to my old delight in nursing. But it is a horrible disease,
+diptheria, and the suffering of the patient is frightful to witness. I
+shall never forget the poor little girl's black parched lips and gasping
+breath.
+
+Scarcely was she convalescent, when the youngest boy, a fine, strong,
+healthy little fellow, sickened with scarlet fever. We elders held a
+consultation, and decided to isolate the top floor from the rest of the
+house, and to nurse the little lad there; it seemed almost hopeless to
+prevent such a disease from spreading through a family of children, but
+our vigorous measures were successful, and none other suffered. I was
+voted to the post of nurse, and installed myself promptly, taking up the
+carpets, turning out the curtains, and across the door ways hanging
+sheets which I kept always wet with chloride of lime. My meals were
+brought upstairs and put on the landing outside; my patient and I
+remained completely isolated, until the disease had run its course; and
+when all risk was over, I proudly handed over my charge, the disease
+touching no other member of the flock.
+
+It was a strange time, those weeks of the autumn and early winter in Mr.
+Woodward's house. He was a remarkably good man, very religious and to a
+very remarkable extent not "of this world". A "priest" to the tips of his
+finger-nails, and looking on his priestly office as the highest a man
+could fill, he yet held it always as one which put him at the service of
+the poorest who needed help. He was very good to me, and, while deeply
+lamenting my "perversion", held, by some strange unpriestlike charity,
+that my "unbelief" was but a passing cloud, sent as trial by "the Lord",
+and soon to vanish again, leaving me in the "sunshine of faith". He
+marvelled much, I learned afterwards, where I gained my readiness to work
+heartily for others, and to remain serenely content amid the roughnesses
+of my toiling life. To my great amusement I heard later that his elder
+daughters, trained in strictest observance of all Church ceremonies, had
+much discussed my non-attendance at the Sacrament, and had finally
+arrived at the conclusion that I had committed some deadly sin, for which
+the humble work which I undertook at their house was the appointed
+penance, and that I was excluded from "the Blessed Sacrament" until the
+penance was completed!
+
+Very shortly after the illness above-mentioned, my mother went up to
+town, whither I was soon to follow her, for now the spring had arrived,
+and it was time to prepare our new home. How eagerly we had looked
+forward to taking possession; how we had talked over our life together
+and knitted on the new one we anticipated to the old one we remembered;
+how we had planned out Mabel's training and arranged the duties that
+should fall to the share of each! Day-dreams, that never were to be
+realised!
+
+But a brief space had passed since my mother's arrival in town, when I
+received a telegram from my brother, stating that she was dangerously
+ill, and summoning me at once to her bedside. As swiftly as express train
+could carry me to London I was there, and found my darling in bed,
+prostrate, the doctor only giving her three days to live. One moment's
+sight I caught of her face, drawn and haggard; then as she saw me it all
+changed into delight; "At last! now I can rest."
+
+The brave spirit had at length broken down, never again to rise; the
+action of her heart had failed, the valves no longer performed their
+duty, and the bluish shade of forehead and neck told that the blood was
+no longer sent pure and vivifying through the arteries. But her death was
+not as near as the doctor had feared; "I do not think she can live
+four-and-twenty hours," he said to me, after I had been with her for two
+days. I told her his verdict, but it moved her little; "I do not feel
+that I am going to die just yet," she said resolutely, and she was right.
+There was an attack of fearful prostration, a very wrestling with death,
+and then the grim shadow drew backwards, and she struggled back to life.
+Soon, as is usual in cases of such disease, dropsy intervened, with all
+its weariness of discomfort, and for week after week her long martyrdom
+dragged on. I nursed her night and day, with a very desperation of
+tenderness, for now fate had touched the thing that was dearest to me in
+life. A second horrible crisis came, and for the second time her tenacity
+and my love beat back the death-stroke. She did not wish to die--the love
+of life was strong in her; I would not let her die; between us we kept
+the foe at bay.
+
+At this period, after eighteen months of abstention, and for the last
+time, I took the Sacrament. This statement will seem strange to my
+readers, but the matter happened in this wise:
+
+My dear mother had an intense longing to take it, but absolutely refused
+to do so unless I partook of it with her.
+
+"If it be necessary to salvation," she persisted doggedly, "I will not
+take it if darling Annie is to be shut out. I would rather be lost with
+her than saved without her." In vain I urged that I could not take it
+without telling the officiating clergyman of my heresy, and that under
+such circumstances the clergyman would be sure to refuse to administer to
+me. She insisted that she could not die happy if she did not take it with
+me. I went to a clergyman I knew well, and laid the case before him; as I
+expected, he refused to allow me to communicate. I tried a second; the
+result was the same. I was in despair; to me the service was foolish and
+superstitious, but I would have done a great deal more for my mother than
+eat bread and drink wine, provided that the eating and drinking did not,
+by pretence of faith on my part, soil my honesty. At last a thought
+struck me; there was Dean Stanley, my mother's favorite, a man known to
+be of the broadest school within the Church of England; suppose I asked
+him? I did not know him, though as a young child I had known his sister
+as my mother's friend, and I felt the request would be something of an
+impertinence. Yet there was just the chance that he might consent, and
+then my darling's death-bed would be the easier. I told no one, but set
+out resolutely for the Deanery, Westminster, timidly asked for the Dean,
+and followed the servant upstairs with a very sinking heart. I was left
+for a moment alone in the library, and then the Dean came in. I don't
+think I ever in my life felt more intensely uncomfortable than I did in
+that minute's interval, as he stood waiting for me to speak, his clear,
+grave, piercing eyes gazing right into mine.
+
+Very falteringly I preferred my request, stating baldly that I was not a
+believer in Christ, that my mother was dying, that she was fretting to
+take the Sacrament, that she would not take it unless I took it with her,
+that two clergymen had refused to allow me to take part in the service,
+that I had come to him in despair, feeling how great was the intrusion,
+but--she was dying.
+
+"You were quite right to come to me," he said as I concluded, in that
+soft musical voice of his, his keen gaze having changed into one no less
+direct, but marvellously gentle: "of course, I will go and see your
+mother, and I have little doubt that if you will not mind talking over
+your position with me, we may see our way clear to doing as your mother
+wishes."
+
+I could barely speak my thanks, so much did the kindly sympathy move me;
+the revulsion from the anxiety and fear of rebuff was strong enough to be
+almost pain. But Dean Stanley did more than I asked. He suggested that he
+should call that afternoon, and have a quiet chat with my mother, and
+then come again on the following day to administer the Sacrament.
+
+"A stranger's presence is always trying to a sick person," he said, with
+rare delicacy of thought; "and joined to the excitement of the service it
+might be too much for your dear mother. If I spend half-an-hour with her
+to-day, and administer the Sacrament to-morrow, it will, I think, be
+better for her."
+
+So Dean Stanley came that afternoon, and remained talking with my mother
+for about half-an-hour, and then set himself to understand my own
+position. He finally told me that conduct was far more important than
+theory, and that he regarded all as "Christians" who recognised and tried
+to follow the moral law. On the question of the absolute Deity of Jesus
+he laid but little stress; Jesus was, "in a special sense", the "Son of
+God", but it was folly to jangle about words with only human meanings
+when dealing with the mysteries of divine existence, and above all it was
+folly to make such words into dividing lines between earnest souls. The
+one important matter was the recognition of "duty to God and man", and
+all who were one in that recognition might rightfully join in an act of
+worship, the essence of which was not acceptance of dogma, but love of
+God and self-sacrifice for man. "The Holy Communion", he said, in his
+soft tones, "was never meant to divide from each other hearts that are
+searching after the one true God; it was meant by its founder as a symbol
+of unity, not of strife".
+
+On the following day he came again, and celebrated the "Holy Communion"
+by the bedside of my dear mother. Well was I repaid for the struggle it
+had cost me to ask so great a kindness from a stranger, when I saw the
+comfort that gentle noble heart had given to my mother. He soothed away
+all her anxiety about my heresy with tactful wisdom, bidding her have no
+fear of differences of opinion where the heart was set on truth.
+"Remember", she told me he had said to her, "remember that our God is the
+God of truth, and that therefore the honest search for truth can never be
+displeasing in his eyes".
+
+Once again after that he came, and after his visit to my mother we had
+another long talk. I ventured to ask him, the conversation having turned
+that way, how, with views so broad as his own, he found it possible to
+remain in communion with the Church of England. "I think", he said
+gently, "that I am of more service to true religion by remaining in the
+Church and striving to widen its boundaries from within, than if I left
+it and worked from without". And he went on to explain how, as Dean of
+Westminster, he was in a rarely independent position, and could make the
+Abbey of a wider national service than would otherwise be possible. In
+all he said on this his love for and his pride in the glorious Abbey were
+manifest, and it was easy to see that old historical associations, love
+of music, of painting, and of stately architecture, were the bonds that
+held him bound to the "old historic Church of England". His emotions, not
+his intellect, kept him Churchman, and he shrunk with the
+over-sensitiveness of the cultured scholar from the idea of allowing the
+old traditions, to be handled roughly by inartistic hands. Naturally of a
+refined and delicate nature, he had been rendered yet more sensitive by
+the training of the college and the court; the exquisite courtesy of his
+manners was but the high polish of a naturally gentle and artistic
+spirit, a spirit whose gentleness sometimes veiled its strength. I have
+often heard Dean Stanley harshly spoken of, I have heard his honesty
+roughly challenged, but never in my presence has he been attacked that I
+have not uttered my protest against the injustice done him, and thus
+striven to repay some small fraction of that great debt of gratitude
+which I shall owe to his memory as long as I live.
+
+As the spring grew warmer, my mother rallied wonderfully, and we began to
+dare to hope. At last it was decided to move her down to Norwood; she was
+wearying for change, and it was thought that the purer air of the country
+might aid the system to recover tone and strength. The furniture was
+waiting for me to send for it, and it was soon, conveyed to Colby Road;
+it only furnished two rooms, but I could easily sleep on the floor, and I
+made the two rooms on the ground floor into bedroom and sitting-room for
+my dear invalid. One little servant-maid was all our slender resources
+could afford, and a very charming one was found for me by Mrs. Scott.
+Through the months of hard work and poor living that followed, Mary was
+the most thoughtful and most generous of comrades. And, indeed, I have
+been very fortunate in my servants, always finding in them willingness to
+help, and freely-rendered, ungrudging kindness.
+
+I have just said that I could only furnish two rooms, but on my next
+visit to complete all the arrangements for my mother's reception, I found
+the bedroom that was to be mine neatly and prettily furnished. The good
+fairy was Mrs. Scott, who, learning the "nakedness of the land" from
+Mary, had determined that I should not be as uncomfortable as I had
+expected.
+
+It was the beginning of May, and the air was soft and bright and warm. We
+hired an invalid carriage and drove slowly down to Norwood. My mother
+seemed to enjoy the drive, and when we lifted her into the bright cosy
+room prepared for her, she was delighted with the change. On the
+following morning the improvement was continued, but in the evening she
+was taken suddenly worse, and we lifted her into bed and telegraphed for
+the doctor. But now the end had come; her strength completely failed, and
+she felt that death was upon her; but selfless to the last, her only fear
+was for me. "I am leaving you alone," she would sigh from time to time,
+and truly I felt, with an anguish I dared not realise, that when she died
+I should indeed be alone on earth.
+
+For two days longer she was with me, and, miser with my last few hours, I
+never left her side for five minutes. At last on the 10th of May the
+weakness passed into delirium, but even then the faithful eyes followed
+me about the room, until at length they closed for ever, and as the
+sun sank low in the heavens, the breath came slower and slower, till the
+silence of death came down upon us and she was gone.
+
+All that followed was like a dream. I would have none touch my dead save
+myself and her favorite sister, who was with us at the last; she wept
+over her, but I could not, not even when they hid her beneath the
+coffin-lid, nor all that weary way to Kensal Green, whither we took her
+to lay her with her husband and her baby-son. I could not believe that
+our day-dream was dead and buried, and the home destroyed ere it was
+fairly made. My "house was left unto" me "desolate", and the rooms filled
+with sunshine, but unlighted by her presence, seemed to reiterate to me:
+"You are all alone ".
+
+
+
+XI.
+
+
+The two months after my mother's death were the dreariest my life has
+known, and they were months of tolerably hard struggle. The little house
+in Colby Road taxed my slender resources heavily, and the search for work
+was not yet successful. I do not know how I should have managed but for
+the help, ever at hand, of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Scott. During this time I
+wrote for Mr. Scott pamphlets on Inspiration, Atonement, Mediation and
+Salvation, Eternal Torture, Religious Education of Children, Natural _v._
+Revealed Religion, and the few guineas thus earned were very valuable.
+Their house, too, was always open to me, and this was no small help, for
+often in those days the little money I had was enough to buy food for two
+but not enough to buy it for three, and I would go out and study all day
+at the British Museum, so as to "have my dinner in town", the said dinner
+being conspicuous by its absence. If I was away for two evenings running
+from the hospitable house in the terrace, Mrs. Scott would come down to
+see what had happened, and many a time the supper there was of real
+physical value to me. Well might I write, in 1879, when Thomas Scott lay
+dead: "It was Thomas Scott whose house was open to me when my need was
+sorest, and he never knew, this generous noble heart, how sometimes, when
+I went in, weary and overdone, from a long day's study in the British
+Museum, with scarce food to struggle through the day--he never knew how
+his genial 'Well, little lady', in welcoming tone, cheered the then utter
+loneliness of my life. To no living man or woman--save one--do I owe the
+debt of gratitude that I owe to Thomas Scott."
+
+The small amount of jewellery I possessed, and all my superfluous
+clothes, were turned into more necessary articles, and the child, at
+least, never suffered a solitary touch of want. Mary was a wonderful
+contriver, and kept house on the very slenderest funds that could be put
+into a servant's hands, and she also made the little place so bright and
+fresh-looking that it was always a pleasure to go into it. Recalling
+those days of "hard living", I can now look on them without regret. More,
+I am glad to have passed through them, for they have taught me how to
+sympathise with those who are struggling as I struggled then, and I never
+can hear the words fall from pale lips: "I am hungry", without
+remembering how painful a thing hunger is, and without curing that pain,
+at least for the moment.
+
+But I turn from this to the brighter side of my life, the intellectual
+and social side, where I found a delight unknown in the old days of
+bondage. First, there was the joy of freedom, the joy of speaking out
+frankly and honestly each thought. Truly, I had the right to say: "With a
+great price obtained I this freedom," and having paid the price, I
+revelled in the Liberty I had bought. Mr. Scott's valuable library was at
+my service; his keen brain challenged my opinions, probed my assertions,
+and suggested phases of thought hitherto untouched. I studied harder than
+ever, and the study now was unchecked by any fear of possible
+consequences. I had nothing left of the old faith save belief in "a God",
+and that began slowly to melt away. The Theistic axiom: "If there be a
+God at all he must be at least as good as his highest creature", began
+with an "if", and to that "if" I turned my attention. "Of all impossible
+things", writes Miss Frances Power Cobbe, "the most impossible must
+surely be that a man should dream something of the good and the noble,
+and that it should prove at last that his Creator was less good and less
+noble than he had dreamed." But, I questioned, are we sure that there is
+a Creator? Granted that, if there is, he must be above his highest
+creature, but--is there such a being? "The ground", says the Rev. Charles
+Voysey, "on which our belief in God rests is man. Man, parent of Bibles
+and Churches, inspirer of all good thoughts and good deeds. Man, the
+master-piece of God's thought on earth. Man, the text-book of all
+spiritual knowledge. Neither miraculous nor infallible, man is
+nevertheless the only trustworthy record of the Divine mind in things
+perhaps pertaining to God. Man's reason, conscience, and affections are
+the only true revelation of his Maker." But what if God were only man's
+own image reflected in the mirror of man's mind? What if man were the
+creator, not the revelation of his God?
+
+It was inevitable that such thoughts should arise after the more palpably
+indefensible doctrines of Christianity had been discarded. Once encourage
+the human mind to think, and bounds to the thinking can never again be
+set by authority. Once challenge traditional beliefs, and the challenge
+will ring on every shield which is hanging in the intellectual arena.
+Around me was the atmosphere of conflict, and, freed from its long
+repression, my mind leapt up to share in the strife with a joy in the
+intellectual tumult, the intellectual strain.
+
+At this time I found my way to South Place Chapel, to which Mr. Moncure
+D. Conway was attracting many a seeker after truth. I was fortunate
+enough to be introduced to this remarkable religious leader, and to his
+charming wife, one of the sweetest and steadiest natures which it has
+been my lot to meet. It was from. Mrs. Conway that I first heard of Mr.
+Bradlaugh as a speaker that everyone should hear. She asked me one day if
+I had been to the Hall of Science, and I said, with the stupid, ignorant
+reflexion of other people's prejudices which is but too common:
+
+"No, I have never been. Mr. Bradlaugh is rather a rough sort of speaker,
+is he not?"
+
+"He is the finest speaker of Saxon English that I have ever heard," Mrs.
+Conway answered, "except, perhaps, John Bright, and his power over a
+crowd is something marvellous. Whether you agree with him or not, you
+should hear him."
+
+I replied that I really did not know what his views were, beyond having a
+vague notion that he was an Atheist of a rather pronounced type, but that
+I would go and hear him when I had an opportunity.
+
+Mr. Conway had passed beyond the emotional Theism of Mr. Voysey, and talk
+with him did something towards widening my views on the question of a
+Divine Existence. I re-read carefully Mansel's Bampton Lectures, and
+found in them much to provoke doubt, nothing to induce faith. Take the
+following phrases, and think whither they carry us. Dean Mansel is
+speaking of God as Infinite, and he says: "That a man can be conscious of
+the Infinite is, then, a supposition which, in the very terms in which it
+is expressed, annihilates itself.... The Infinite, if it is to be
+conceived at all, must be conceived as potentially everything and
+actually nothing; for if there is anything in general which it cannot
+become, it is thereby limited; and if there is anything in particular
+which it actually is, it is thereby excluded from being any other thing.
+But again, it must also be conceived as actually everything and
+potentially nothing: for an unrealised potentiality is likewise a
+limitation. If the infinite can be that which it is not, it is by that
+very possibility marked out as incomplete and capable of a higher
+perfection. If it is actually everything, it possesses no characteristic
+feature by which it can be distinguished from anything else and discerned
+as an object of consciousness."
+
+Could any argument more thoroughly Atheistic be put before a mind which
+dared to think out to the logical end any train of thought? Such
+reasoning can lead but to one of two ends: despair of truth and
+consequent acceptance of the incomprehensible as Divine, or else the
+resolute refusal to profess belief where reason is helpless, and where
+faith is but the credulity of ignorance. In my case, it had the latter
+effect.
+
+At the same time I re-read Mill's "Examination of Sir W. Hamilton's
+Philosophy", and also went through a pretty severe study of Comte's
+_Philosophic Positive_. I had entirely given up the use of prayer, not
+because I was an Atheist but because I was still a Theist. It seemed to
+me to be absurd to pray, if I believed in a God who was wiser and better
+than myself. An all-wise God did not need my suggestions: an all-good God
+would do all that was best without my prompting. Prayer appeared to me to
+be a blasphemous impertinence, and for a considerable time I had
+discontinued its use. But God fades gradually out of the daily life of
+those who never pray; a God who is not a Providence is a superfluity;
+when from the heaven does not smile a listening Father, it soon becomes
+an empty space whence resounds no echo of man's cry.
+
+At last I said to Mr. Scott: "Mr. Scott, may I write a tract on the
+nature and existence of God?"
+
+He glanced at me keenly: "Ah, little lady; you are facing then that
+problem at last? I thought it must come. Write away."
+
+The thought that had been driving me forward found its expression in the
+opening words of the essay (published a few months later, with one or two
+additions that were made after I had read two of Mr. Bradlaugh's essays,
+his "Plea for Atheism", and "Is there a God?"): "It is impossible for
+those who study the deeper religious problems of our time to stave off
+much longer the question which lies at the root of them all, 'What do you
+believe in regard to God?' We may controvert Christian doctrines one
+after another; point by point we may be driven from the various beliefs
+of our churches; reason may force us to see contradictions where we had
+imagined harmony, and may open our eyes to flaws where we had dreamed of
+perfection; we resign all idea of a revelation; we seek for God in Nature
+only: we renounce for ever the hope (which glorified our former creed
+into such alluring beauty) that at some future time we should verily
+'see' God; that 'our eyes should behold the King in his beauty', in that
+fairy 'land which is very far off'. But every step we take onwards
+towards a more reasonable faith and a surer light of Truth, leads us
+nearer and nearer to the problem of problems: 'What is THAT which men
+call God?".
+
+I sketched out the plan of my essay and had written most of it when on
+returning one day from the British Museum I stopped at the shop of Mr.
+Edward Truelove, 256 High Holborn. I had been working at some Comtist
+literature, and had found a reference to Mr. Truelove's shop as one at
+which Comtist publications might be bought. Lying on the counter was a
+copy of the _National Reformer_, and attracted by the title I bought it.
+I had never before heard of nor seen the paper, and I read it placidly in
+the omnibus; looking up, I was at first puzzled and then amused to see an
+old gentleman gazing at me with indignation and horror printed on his
+countenance; I realised that my paper had disturbed his peace of mind,
+and that the sight of a young woman, respectably dressed in crape,
+reading an Atheistic journal in an omnibus was a shock too great to be
+endured by the ordinary Philistine without sign of discomposure. He
+looked so hard at the paper that I was inclined to offer it to him for
+his perusal, but repressed the mischievous inclination, and read on
+demurely.
+
+This first copy of the paper with which I was to be so closely connected
+bore date July 19th, 1874, and contained two long letters from a Mr.
+Arnold of Northampton, attacking Mr. Bradlaugh, and a brief and
+singularly self-restrained answer from the latter. There was also an
+article on the National Secular Society, which made me aware that there
+was an organisation devoted to the propagandism of Free Thought. I felt
+that if such a society existed, I ought to belong to it, and I
+consequently wrote a short note to the editor of the _National Reformer_,
+asking whether it was necessary for a person to profess Atheism before
+being admitted to the Society. The answer appeared in the _National
+Reformer_:--
+
+"S.E.--To be a member of the National Secular Society it is only
+necessary to be able honestly to accept the four principles, as given in
+the _National Reformer_ of June 14th. This any person may do without
+being required to avow himself an Atheist. Candidly, we can see no
+logical resting-place between the entire acceptance of authority, as in
+the Roman Catholic Church, and the most extreme nationalism. If, on again
+looking to the Principles of the Society, you can accept them, we repeat
+to you our invitation."
+
+I sent my name in as an active member, and find it recorded in the
+_National Reformer_ of August 9th. Having received an intimation that
+Londoners could receive their certificates at the Hall of Science from
+Mr. Bradlaugh on any Sunday evening, I betook myself thither, and it was
+on the 2nd August, 1874, that I first set foot in a Freethought hall.
+
+As I sat, much crushed, surveying the crowded audience with much interest
+and longing to know which were members of the brotherhood I had entered,
+a sudden roar of cheering startled me. I saw a tall figure passing
+swiftly along and mounting the stairs, and the roar deepened and swelled
+as he made a slight acknowledgment of the greeting and sat down. I
+remember well my sensations as I looked at Charles Bradlaugh for the
+first time. The grave, quiet, _strong_ look, as he sat facing the crowd,
+impressed me strangely, and most of all was I surprised at the breadth of
+forehead, the massive head, of the man I had heard described as a mere
+ignorant demagogue.
+
+The lecture was on "The ancestry and birth of Jesus", and was largely
+devoted to tracing the resemblance between the Christ and Krishna myths.
+As this ground was well-known to me, I was able to judge of the
+lecturer's accuracy, and quickly found that his knowledge was as sound as
+his language was splendid. I had never before heard eloquence, sarcasm,
+fire, and passion brought to bear on the Christian superstition, nor had
+I ever before felt the sway of the orator, nor the power that dwells in
+spoken words.
+
+After the lecture, Mr. Bradlaugh came down the Hall with some
+certificates of membership of the National Secular Society in his hand,
+and glancing round for their claimants caught, I suppose, some look of
+expectancy in my face, for he paused and handed me mine, with a
+questioning, "Mrs. Besant?". Then he said that if I had any doubt at all
+on the subject of Atheism, he would willingly discuss it with me, if I
+would write making an appointment for that purpose. I made up my mind to
+take advantage of the opportunity, and a day or two later saw me walking
+down Commercial Road, looking for Turner Street.
+
+My first conversation with Mr. Bradlaugh was brief, direct, and
+satisfactory. We found that there was little real difference between our
+theological views, and my dislike of the name "Atheist" arose from my
+sharing in the vulgar error that the Atheist asserted, "There is no God".
+This error I corrected in the draft of my essay, by inserting a few
+passages from pamphlets written by acknowledged Atheists, to which Mr.
+Bradlaugh drew my attention; with this exception the essay remained as it
+was sketched, being described by Mr. Bradlaugh as "a very good Atheistic
+essay", a criticism which ended with the smiling comment: "You have
+thought yourself into Atheism without knowing it."
+
+Very wise were some of the suggestions made: "You should never say you
+have an opinion on a subject until you have tried to study the strongest
+things said against the view to which you are inclined". "You must not
+think you know a subject until you are acquainted with all that the best
+minds have said about it." "No steady work can be done in public unless
+the worker study at home far more than he talks outside." And let me say
+here that among the many things for which I have to thank Mr. Bradlaugh,
+there is none for which I owe him more gratitude than for the fashion in
+which he has constantly urged the duty of all who stand forward as
+teachers to study deeply every subject they touch, and the impetus he has
+given to my own love of knowledge by the constant spur of criticism and
+of challenge, criticism of every weak statement, challenge of every
+hastily-expressed view. It will be a good thing for the world when a
+friendship between a man and a woman no longer means protective
+condescension on one side and helpless dependence on the other, but when
+they meet on equal ground of intellectual sympathy, discussing,
+criticising, studying, and so aiding the evolution of stronger and
+clearer thought-ability in each.
+
+A few days after our first discussion, Mr. Bradlaugh offered me a place
+on the staff of the _National Reformer_ at a small weekly salary; and my
+first contribution appeared in the number for August 30th, over the
+signature of "Ajax"; I was obliged to use a _nom de guerre_ at first, for
+the work I was doing for Mr. Scott would have been injured had my name
+appeared in the columns of the terrible _National Reformer_, and until
+the work commenced and paid for was concluded I did not feel at liberty
+to use my own name. Later, I signed my _National Reformer_ articles, and
+the tracts written for Mr. Scott appeared anonymously.
+
+The name was suggested by the famous statue of "Ajax crying for light", a
+cast of which stands in the centre walk of the Crystal Palace. The cry
+through the darkness for light, even if light brought destruction, was
+one that awoke the keenest sympathy of response from my heart:
+
+  "If our fate be death,
+  Give light, and let us die!"
+
+To see, to know, to understand, even though the seeing blind, though the
+knowledge sadden, though the understanding shatter the dearest hopes,
+such has ever been the craving of the upward-striving mind of man. Some
+regard it as a weakness, as a folly, but I am sure that it exists most
+strongly in some of the noblest of our race; that from the lips of those
+who have done most in lifting the burden of ignorance from the
+overstrained and bowed shoulders of a stumbling world has gone out most
+often into the empty darkness the pleading, impassioned cry :--
+
+"Give light."
+
+
+
+XII.
+
+
+My first lecture was delivered at the Co-operative Society's Hall, 55,
+Castle Street, on August 25, 1873. Twice before this, I had ventured to
+raise my voice in discussion, once at a garden-party at which I was
+invited to join in a brief informal debate, and discovered that words
+came readily and smoothly, and the second time at the Liberal Social
+Union, in a discussion on a paper read by a member--I forget by whom--
+dealing with the opening of Museums and Art Galleries on Sunday.
+
+My membership of that same "Liberal" Social Union was not, by the way, of
+very long duration. A discussion arose, one night, on the admissibility
+of Atheists to the society. Dr. Zerffi declared that he would not remain
+a member if avowed Atheists were admitted. I declared that I was an
+Atheist, and that the basis of the Union was liberty. The result was that
+I found myself coldshouldered, and those who had been warmly cordial to
+me as a Theist looked askance at me after I had avowed that my scepticism
+had advanced beyond their "limits of religious thought". The Liberal
+Social Union knew me no more, but in the wider field of work open before
+me the narrowmindedness of this petty clique troubled me not at all.
+
+To return from this digression to my first essay in lecturing work. An
+invitation to read a paper before the Co-operative Society came to me
+from Mr. Greenwood, who was, I believe, the Secretary, and as the subject
+was left to my own choice, I determined that my first public attempt at
+speech should be on behalf of my own sex, and selected for it, "The
+Political Status of Women". With much fear and trembling was that paper
+written, and it was a very nervous person who presented herself at the
+Co-operative Hall. When a visit to the dentist is made, and one stands on
+the steps outside, desiring to run away ere the neat little boy in
+buttons opens the door and beams on one with a smile of compassionate
+contempt and implike triumph, then the world seems dark and life is as a
+huge blunder. But all such feelings are poor and weak when compared with
+the sinking of the heart, and the trembling of the knees, which, seize
+upon the unhappy lecturer as he advances towards his first audience, and
+as before his eyes rises a ghastly vision of a tongue-tied would-be
+speaker facing rows of listening faces, listening to--silence.
+
+All this miserable feeling, however, disappeared the moment I rose to my
+feet and looked at the faces before me. No tremor of nervousness touched
+me from the first word to the last. And a similar experience has been
+mine ever since. I am still always nervous before a lecture, and feel
+miserable and ill-assured, but, once on my feet, I am at my ease, and not
+once on the platform after the lecture has commenced have I experienced
+the painful feeling of hesitancy and "fear of the sound of my own voice"
+of which I have often heard people speak.
+
+The death of Mr. Charles Gilpin in September left vacant one of the seats
+for Northampton, and Mr. Bradlaugh at once announced his intention of
+again presenting himself to the constituency as a candidate. He had at
+first stood for the borough in 1868, and had received 1086 votes; on
+February 5th, 1874, he received 1653 votes, and of these 1060 were
+plumpers; the other candidates were Messrs. Merewether, Phipps, Gilpin,
+and Lord Henley; Mr. Merewether had 12 plumpers; Mr. Phipps, 113; Mr.
+Gilpin, 64; Lord Henley, 21. Thus signs were already seen of the compact
+and personally loyal following which was to win the seat for its chief in
+1880, after twelve years of steady struggle. In 1868, Mr. John Stuart
+Mill had strongly supported Mr. Bradlaugh's candidature, and had sent a
+donation to his election fund. Mr. Mill wrote in his Autobiography (pp.
+311,312):
+
+"He had the support of the working classes; having heard him speak I knew
+him to be a man of ability, and he had proved that he was the reverse of
+a demagogue by placing himself in strong opposition to the prevailing
+opinion of the Democratic party on two such important subjects as
+Malthusianism. and Personal Representation. Men of this sort, who, while
+sharing the democratic feelings of the working classes, judge political
+questions for themselves, and have courage to assert their individual
+convictions against popular opposition, were needed, as it seemed to me,
+in Parliament; and I did not think that Mr. Bradlaugh's anti-religious
+opinions (even though he had been intemperate in the expression of them)
+ought to exclude him."
+
+When the election was over, and after Mr. Mill had himself been beaten at
+Westminster, he wrote, referring to his donation: "It was the right thing
+to do, and if the election were yet to take place, I would do it again".
+The election in February, 1874 took place while Mr. Bradlaugh was away in
+America, and this second one in the same year took place on the eve of
+his departure on another American lecturing tour.
+
+I went down to Northampton to report electioneering incidents for the
+_National Reformer_, and spent some days there in the whirl of the
+struggle. The Whig party was more bitter against Mr. Bradlaugh than was
+the Tory, and every weapon that could be forged out of slander and
+falsehood was used against him by "Liberals", who employed their
+Christianity as an electioneering dodge to injure a man whose sturdy
+Radicalism they feared. Over and over again Mr. Bradlaugh was told that
+he was an "impossible candidate", and gibe and sneer and scoff were flung
+at the man who had neither ancestors nor wealth to recommend him, who
+fought his battle with his brain and his tongue, and whose election
+expenses were paid by hundreds of contributions from poor men and women
+in every part of the land. Strenuous efforts were made to procure a
+"Liberal" candidate, who should be able at least to prevent Mr.
+Bradlaugh's return by obtaining the votes of the Liberal as against the
+Radical party. Messrs. Bell and James and Dr. Pearce came on the scene
+only to disappear. Mr. Jacob Bright and Mr. Arthur Arnold were suggested.
+Mr. Ayrton's name was whispered. Major Lumley was recommended by Mr.
+Bernal Osborne. Dr. Kenealy proclaimed himself ready to rescue the
+Liberal party in their dire strait. Mr. Tillet of Norwich, Mr. Cox of
+Belper, were invited, but neither of these would consent to oppose a
+sound Radical, who had fought two elections at Northampton and who had
+been before the constituency for six years. At last Mr. William Fowler, a
+banker, was invited, and accepted the task of handing over the
+representation of a Radical borough to a Tory.
+
+October 6th was fixed as the election day, and at 7.30 on that day Mr.
+Merewether, the Tory, was declared elected with 2,171 votes. Mr.
+Bradlaugh polled 1,766, having added another 133 voters to those who had
+polled for him in the previous February.
+
+The violent abuse levelled against Mr. Bradlaugh by the Whigs, and the
+foul and wicked slanders circulated against him, had angered almost to
+madness those who knew and loved him, and when it was found that the
+unscrupulous Whig devices had succeeded in turning the election against
+him, the fury broke out into open violence. As Mr. Bradlaugh was sitting
+well-nigh exhausted in the hotel, the landlord rushed in, crying to him
+to go out and try to stop the people, or there would be murder done at
+the "Palmerston", Mr. Fowler's head-quarters; the crowd was charging the
+door, and the windows were being broken, with showers of stones. Weary as
+he was, Mr. Bradlaugh sprang to his feet and swiftly made his way to the
+rescue of those who had defeated him. Flinging himself before the door,
+he drove the crowd back, scolded them into quietness and dispersed them.
+But at nine o'clock he had to leave the town to catch the mail for
+Queenstown, where he was to join the steamer for America, and after he
+had left, the riot he had quelled broke out afresh. The soldiers were
+called out, the Riot Act was read, stones flew freely, heads and windows
+were broken, but no very serious harm was done. The "Palmerston" and the
+printing office of the _Mercury_, the Whig organ, were the principal
+sufferers, windows and doors vanishing somewhat completely.
+
+In this same month of October I find I noted in the _National Reformer_
+that it was rumored "that on hearing that the Prince of Wales had
+succeeded the Earl of Ripon as Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of
+England, Mr. Bradlaugh immediately sent in his resignation". "The
+report", I added demurely, "seems likely to be a true one". I had not
+much doubt of the fact, having seen the cancelled certificate.
+
+My second lecture was delivered on September 27th, during the election
+struggle, at Mr. Moncure D. Conway's Chapel in St. Paul's Road, Camden
+Town, and was on "The true basis of morality.". The lecture was
+re-delivered a few weeks later at a Unitarian chapel, where the minister
+was the Rev. Peter Dean, and gave, I was afterwards told, great offence
+to some of the congregation, especially to Miss Frances Power Cobbe, who
+declared that she would have left the chapel had not the speaker been a
+woman. The ground of complaint was that the suggested "basis" was
+Utilitarian and human instead of Intuitional and Theistic. Published as a
+pamphlet, the lecture has reached its seventh thousand.
+
+In October I had a severe attack of congestion of the lungs, and soon
+after my recovery I left Norwood to settle in London. I found that my
+work required that I should be nearer head-quarters, and I arranged to
+rent part of a house--19, Westbourne Park Terrace, Bayswater--two lady
+friends taking the remainder. The arrangement proved a very comfortable
+one, and it continued until my improved means enabled me, in 1876, to
+take a house of my own.
+
+In January, 1875, I made up my mind to lecture regularly, and in the
+_National Reformer_ for January 17th I find the announcement that "Mrs.
+Annie Besant (Ajax) will lecture at South Place Chapel, Finsbury, on
+'Civil and religious liberty'", Mr. Conway took the chair at this first
+identification of "Ajax" with myself, and sent a very kindly notice of
+the lecture to the _Cincinnati Commercial_. Mr. Charles Watts wrote a
+report in the _National Reformer_ of January 24th. Dr. Maurice Davies
+also wrote a very favorable article in a London journal, but
+unfortunately he knew Mr. Walter Besant, who persuaded him to suppress my
+name, so that although the notice appeared it did me no service. My
+struggle to gain my livelihood was for some time rendered considerably
+more difficult by this kind of ungenerous and underhand antagonism. A
+woman's road to the earning of her own living, especially when she is
+weighted with the care of a young child, is always fairly thorny at the
+outset, and does not need to be rendered yet more difficult by secret
+attempts to injure, on the part of those who trust that suffering and
+poverty may avail to bend pride to submission.
+
+My next lecture was given in the Theatre Royal, Northampton, and in the
+_National Reformer_ of February 14th appears for the first time my list
+of lecturing engagements, so that in February next I shall complete my
+first decade of lecturing for the Freethought and Republican Cause.
+Never, since first I stood on the Freethought platform, have I felt one
+hour's regret for the resolution taken in solitude in January, 1875, to
+devote to that sacred Cause every power of brain and tongue that I
+possessed. Not lightly was that resolution taken, for I know no task of
+weightier responsibility than that of standing forth as teacher, and
+swaying thousands of hearers year after year. But I pledged my word then
+to the Cause I loved that no effort on my part should be wanting to
+render myself worthy of the privilege of service which I took; that I
+would read, and study, and would train every faculty that I had; that I
+would polish my language, discipline my thought, widen my knowledge; and
+this, at least, I may say, that if I have written and spoken much I have
+studied and thought more, and that at least I have not given to my
+mistress, Liberty, that "which hath cost me nothing".
+
+A queer incident occurred on February 17th. I had been invited by the
+Dialectical Society to read a paper, and selected for subject "The
+existence of God". The Dialectical Society had for some years held their
+meetings in a room in Adam Street rented from the Social Science
+Association. When the members gathered as usual on this 17th February,
+the door was found closed, and they were informed that Ajax's paper had
+been too much for the Social Science nerves, and that entrance to the
+ordinary meeting-place was henceforth denied. We found refuge in the
+Charing Cross Hotel, where we speculated merrily on the eccentricities of
+religious charity.
+
+On February 12th, I started on my first lecturing tour in the provinces.
+After lecturing at Birkenhead on the evening of that day, I started by
+the night mail for Glasgow. Some races--dog races, I think--had been
+going on, and very unpleasant were many of the passengers waiting on the
+platform. Some Birkenhead friends had secured me a compartment, and
+watched over me till the train began to move. Then, after we had fairly
+started, the door was flung open by a porter and a man was thrust in who
+half tumbled on to the seat. As he slowly recovered, he stood up, and as
+his money rolled out of his hand on to the floor and he gazed vaguely at
+it, I saw, to my horror, that he was drunk. The position was pleasant,
+for the train was an express and was not timed to stop for a considerable
+time. My odious fellow-passenger spent some time on the floor hunting for
+his scattered coins. Then he slowly gathered himself up, and presently
+became conscious of my presence. He studied me for some time and then
+proposed to shut the window. I assented quietly, not wanting to discuss a
+trifle, and feeling in deadly terror. Alone at night in an express, with
+a man not drunk enough to be helpless but too drunk to be controlled.
+Never, before or since, have I felt so thoroughly frightened, but I sat
+there quiet and unmoved, only grasping a penknife in my pocket, with a
+desperate resolve to use my feeble weapon as soon as the need arose. The
+man had risen again to his feet and had come over to me, when a jarring
+noise was heard and the train began to slacken.
+
+"What is that?" stammered my drunken companion.
+
+"They are putting on the brakes to stop the train," I said very slowly
+and distinctly, though a very passion of relief made it hard to say
+quietly the measured words.
+
+The man sat down stupidly, staring at me, and in a minute or two more the
+train pulled up at a station. It had been stopped by signal. In a moment
+I was at the window, calling the guard. I rapidly explained to him that I
+was travelling alone, that a half-drunken man was with me, and I begged
+him to put me into another carriage. With the usual kindliness of a
+railway official, the guard at once moved my baggage and myself into an
+empty compartment, into which he locked me, and he kept a friendly watch
+over me at every station at which we stopped until he landed me safely at
+Glasgow.
+
+At Glasgow a room had been taken for me at a Temperance Hotel, and it
+seemed to me a new and lonely sort of thing to be "on my own account" in
+a strange city in a strange hotel. By the way, why are Temperance Hotels
+so often lacking in cleanliness? Surely abstinence from wine and
+superfluity of "matter in the wrong place" need not necessarily be
+correlated in hotel-life, and yet my experience leads me to look for the
+twain together. Here and there I have been to Temperance Hotels in which
+water is used for other purposes than that of drinking, but these are, I
+regret to say, the exceptions to a melancholy rule.
+
+From Glasgow I went north to Aberdeen, and from Aberdeen home again to
+London. A long weary journey that was, in a third-class carriage in the
+cold month of February, but the labor had in it a joy that outpaid all
+physical discomfort, and the feeling that I had found my work in the
+world gave a new happiness to my life.
+
+I reported my doings to the chief of our party in America, and found them
+only half approved. "You should have waited till I returned, and at least
+I could have saved you some discomforts," he wrote; but the discomforts
+troubled me little, and I think I rather preferred the independent launch
+out into lecturing work, trusting only to my own courage and ability to
+win my way. So far as health was concerned, the lecturing acted as a
+tonic. My chest had always been a little delicate, and when I consulted a
+doctor on the possibility of my lecturing he answered: "It will either
+kill you or cure you". It has entirely cured the lung weakness, and I
+have grown strong and vigorous instead of being frail and delicate as of
+old.
+
+On February 28th I delivered my first lecture at the Hall of Science,
+London, and was received with that warmth of greeting which Freethinkers
+are ever willing to extend to one who sacrifices aught to join their
+ranks. From that day to this that hearty welcome at our central London
+hall has never failed me, and the love and courage wherewith Freethinkers
+have ever stood by me have overpaid a thousandfold any poor services I
+have been fortunate enough to render to the common cause.
+
+It would be wearisome to go step by step over the ten years' journeys and
+lectures; I will only select, here and there, incidents illustrative of
+the whole.
+
+Some folk say that the lives of Freethought lecturers are easy, and that
+their lecturing tours are lucrative in the extreme. On one occasion I
+spent eight days in the north lecturing daily, with three lectures on the
+two Sundays, and made a deficit of 11s. on the journey! I do not pretend
+that such a thing would happen now, but I fancy that every Freethought
+lecturer could tell of a similar experience in the early days of "winning
+his way".
+
+There is no better field for Freethought and Radical work than
+Northumberland and Durham; the miners there are as a rule shrewd and
+hard-headed men, and very cordial is the greeting given by them to those
+whom they have reason to trust. At Seghill and at Bedlington I have slept
+in their cottages and have been welcomed to their tables, and I remember
+one evening at Seghill, after a lecture, that my host invited about a
+dozen miners to supper to meet me; the talk ran on politics, and I soon
+found that my companions knew more of English politics and had a far
+shrewder notion of political methods than I had found among the ordinary
+"diners-out" in "society". They were of the "uneducated" class despised
+by "gentlemen" and had not the vote, but politically they were far better
+educated than their social superiors, and were far better fitted to
+discharge the duties of citizenship.
+
+On May 16th I attended, for the first time, the Annual Conference called
+by the National Secular Society. It was held at Manchester, in the
+Society's rooms in Grosvenor Street, and it is interesting and
+encouraging to note how the Society has grown and strengthened since that
+small meeting held nearly ten years ago. Mr. Bradlaugh was elected
+President; Messrs. A. Trevelyan, T. Slater, C. Watts, C.C. Cattell, R.A.
+Cooper, P.A.V. Le Lubez, N. Ridgway, G.W. Foote, G.H. Reddalls, and Mrs.
+Besant Vice Presidents. Messrs. Watts and Standring were elected as
+Secretary and Assistant-Secretary--both offices were then honorary, for
+the Society was too poor to pay the holders--and Mr. Le Lubez Treasurer.
+The result of the Conference was soon seen in the energy infused into the
+Freethought propaganda, and from that time to this the Society has
+increased in numbers and in influence, until that which was scarcely more
+than a skeleton has become a living power in the land on the side of all
+social and political reforms. The Council for 1875 consisted of but
+thirty-nine members, including President, Vice-Presidents, and Secretary,
+and of these only nine were available as a Central Executive. Let
+Freethinkers compare this meagre list with the present, and then let them
+"thank" man "and take courage".
+
+Lecturing at Leicester in June, I came for the first time across a
+falsehood of which I have since heard plenty. An irate Christian declared
+that I was responsible for a book entitled the "Elements of Social
+Science", which was, he averred, the "Bible of Secularists". I had never
+heard of the book, but as he insisted that it was in favor of the
+abolition of marriage, and that Mr. Bradlaugh agreed with it, I promptly
+contradicted him, knowing that Mr. Bradlaugh's views on marriage were
+conservative rather than revolutionary. On enquiry afterwards I found
+that the book in question had been written some years before by a Doctor
+of Medicine, and had been sent for review by its publisher to the
+_National Reformer_ among other papers. I found further that it consisted
+of three parts; the first dealt with the sexual relation, and advocated,
+from the standpoint of an experienced medical man, what is roughly known
+as "free love"; the second was entirely medical, dealing with diseases;
+the third consisted of a very clear and able exposition of the law of
+population as laid down by Malthus, and insisted--as John Stuart Mill had
+done--that it was the duty of married persons to voluntarily limit their
+families within their means of subsistence. Mr. Bradlaugh, in the
+_National Reformer_, in reviewing the book, stated that it was written
+"with honest and pure intent and purpose", and recommended to working men
+the exposition of the law of population. Because he did this Christians
+and Tories who desire to injure him still insist that he shares the
+author's views on sexual relations, and despite his reiterated
+contradictions, they quote detached pieces of the work, speaking against
+marriage, as containing his views. Anything more meanly vile and
+dishonest than this it would be difficult to imagine, yet such are the
+weapons used against Atheists in a Christian country. Unable to find in
+Mr. Bradlaugh's own writings anything to serve their purpose, they take
+isolated passages from a book he neither wrote nor published, but once
+reviewed with a recommendation of a part of it which says nothing against
+marriage.
+
+That the book is a remarkable one and deserves to be read has been
+acknowledged on all hands. Personally, I cordially dislike a large part
+of it, and dissent utterly from its views on the marital relation, but
+none the less I feel sure that the writer is an honest, good, and right
+meaning man. In the _Reasoner_, edited by Mr. George Jacob Holyoake, I
+find warmer praise of it than in the _National Reformer_; in the review
+the following passage appears:--
+
+"In some respects all books of this class are evils: but it would be
+weakness and criminal prudery--a prudery as criminal as vice itself--not
+to say that such a book as the one in question is not only a far lesser
+evil than the one that it combats, but in one sense a book which it is a
+mercy to issue and courage to publish."
+
+The _Examiner_, reviewing the same book, declared it to be
+
+"A very valuable, though rather heterogeneous book.... This is, we
+believe, the only book that has fully, honestly, and in a scientific
+spirit recognised all the elements in the problem--How are mankind to
+triumph over poverty, with its train of attendant evils?--and fearlessly
+endeavored to find a practical solution."
+
+The _British Journal of Homaeopathy_ wrote:
+
+"Though quite out of the province of our journal, we cannot refrain from
+stating that this work is unquestionably the most remarkable one, in many
+respects, we have ever met with. Though we differ _toto coelo_ from the
+author in his views of religion and morality, and hold some of his
+remedies to tend rather to a dissolution than a reconstruction of
+society, yet we are bound to admit the benevolence and philanthropy of
+his motives. The scope of the work is nothing less than the whole field
+of political economy."
+
+Ernest Jones and others wrote yet more strongly, but out of all these
+Charles Bradlaugh alone has been selected for reproach, and has had the
+peculiar views of the anonymous author fathered on himself. Why? The
+reason is not far to seek. None of the other writers are active Radical
+politicians, dangerous to the luxurious idleness of the non-producing but
+all-consuming "upper classes" of society. These know how easy it is to
+raise social prejudice against a man by setting afloat the idea that he
+desires to "abolish marriage and the home". It is the most convenient
+poniard and the one most certain to wound. Therefore those whose
+profligacy is notorious, who welcome into their society the Blandfords,
+Aylesburys, and St. Leonards, rave against a man as a "destroyer of
+marriage" whose life is pure, and whose theories on this, as it happens,
+are "orthodox", merely because his honest Atheism shames their
+hypocritical professions, and his sturdy Republicanism menaces their
+corrupt and rotting society.
+
+
+
+XIII.
+
+
+Sometimes my lecturing experiences were not of the smoothest. In June,
+1875, I visited Darwen in Lancashire, and found that stone-throwing was
+considered a fair argument to be addressed to "the Atheist lecturer". On
+my last visit to that place in May, 1884, large and enthusiastic
+audiences attended the lectures, and not a sign of hostility was to be
+seen outside the hall. At Swansea, in March, 1876, the fear of violence
+was so great that no local friend had the courage to take the chair for
+me (a guarantee against damage to the hall had been exacted by the
+proprietor). I had to march on to the platform in solitary state,
+introduce myself, and proceed with my lecture. If violence had been
+intended, none was offered: it would have needed much brutality to charge
+on to a platform occupied by a solitary woman. (By the way, those who
+fancy that a lecturer's life is a luxurious one may note that the Swansea
+lecture spoken of was one of a series of ten, delivered within eight days
+at Wednesbury, Bilston, Kidderminster, Swansea, and Bristol, most of the
+travelling being performed through storm, rain, and snow.) On September,
+4th, 1876, I had rather a lively time at Hoyland, a village near
+Barnsley. A Mr. Hebblethwaite, a Primitive Methodist minister, "prepared
+the way of the" Atheist by pouring out virulent abuse on Atheism in
+general, and this Atheist in particular; two Protestant missionaries
+aided him vigorously, exhorting the pious Christians to "sweep
+Secularists out". The result was a very fair row; I got through the
+lecture, despite many interruptions, but when it was over a regular riot
+ensued; the enraged Christians shook their fists at me, swore at me, and
+finally took to kicking as I passed out to the cab; only one kick,
+however, reached me, and the attempts to overturn the cab were foiled by
+the driver, who put his horse at a gallop. A somewhat barbarous village,
+that same village of Hoyland. Congleton proved even livelier on September
+25th and 26th. Mr. Bradlaugh lectured there on September 25th to an
+accompaniment of broken windows; I was sitting with Mrs. Wolstenholme
+Elmy in front of the platform, and received a rather heavy blow at the
+back of the head from a stone thrown by someone in the room. We had a
+mile and a half to walk from the hall to Mrs. Elmy's house, and this was
+done in the company of a mud-throwing crowd, who yelled curses, hymns,
+and foul words with delightful impartiality. On the following evening I
+was to lecture, and we were escorted to the hall by a stone-throwing
+crowd; while I was lecturing a man shouted "Put her out!" and a
+well-known wrestler of the neighborhood, named Burbery, who had come to
+the hall with seven friends, stood up in the front row and loudly
+interrupted. Mr. Bradlaugh, who was in the chair, told him to sit down,
+and as he persisted in making a noise, informed him that he must either
+be quiet or go out. "Put me out!" said Burbery, striking an attitude. Mr.
+Bradlaugh left the platform and walked up to the noisy swashbuckler, who
+at once grappled with him and tried to throw him; but Mr. Burbery had not
+reckoned on his opponent's strength, and when the "throw" was complete
+Mr. Burbery was underneath. Amid much excitement Mr. Burbery was
+propelled to the door, where he was handed over to the police, and the
+chairman resumed his seat and said "Go on", whereupon on I went and
+finished the lecture. There was plenty more stone-throwing outside, and
+Mrs. Elmy received a cut on the temple, but no serious harm was done--
+except to Christianity.
+
+In the summer of 1875 a strong protest was made by the working classes
+against the grant of L142,000 for the Prince of Wales visit to India, and
+on Sunday, July 18th, I saw for the first time one of the famous "Hyde
+Park Demonstrations". Mr. Bradlaugh called a meeting to support Messrs.
+Taylor, Macdonald, Wilfrid Lawson, Burt, and the other fourteen members
+of the House of Commons who voted in opposition to the grant, and to
+protest against burdening the workers to provide for the amusement of a
+spendthrift prince. I did not go into the meeting, but, with Mr.
+Bradlaugh's two daughters, hovered on the outskirts. A woman is
+considerably in the way in such a gathering, unless the speakers reach
+the platform in carriages, for she is physically unfitted to push her way
+through the dense mass of people, and has therefore to be looked after
+and saved from the crushing pressure of the crowd. I have always thought
+that a man responsible for the order of such huge gatherings ought not to
+be burdened in addition with the responsibility of protecting his female
+friends, and have therefore preferred to take care of myself outside the
+meetings both at Hyde Park and in Trafalgar Square. The method of
+organisation by which the London Radicals have succeeded in holding
+perfectly orderly meetings of enormous size is simple but effective. A
+large number of "marshals" volunteer, and each of these hands in to Mr.
+Bradlaugh a list of the "stewards" he is prepared to bring; the
+"marshals" and "stewards" alike are members of the Radical and Secular
+associations of the metropolis. These officials all wear badges, a
+rosette of the Northampton election colors; directions are given to the
+marshals by Mr. Bradlaugh himself, and each marshal, with his stewards,
+turns up at the appointed place at the appointed time, and does the share
+of the work allotted to him. A ring two or three deep is formed round the
+place whence the speakers are to address the meeting, and those who form
+the ring stand linked arm-in-arm, making a living barrier round this
+empty spot. There a platform, brought thither in pieces, is screwed
+together, and into this enclosure only the chosen speakers and newspaper
+reporters are admitted. The marshals and stewards who are not told off
+for guarding the platform are distributed over the ground which the
+meeting is to occupy, and act as guardians of order.
+
+The Hyde Park meeting against the royal grant was a thoroughly successful
+one, and a large number of protests came up from all parts of the
+country. Being from the poorer classes, they were of course disregarded,
+but none the less was a strong agitation against royal grants carried on
+throughout the autumn and winter months. The National Secular Society
+determined to gather signatures to a "monster petition against royal
+grants", and the superintendence of this was placed in my hands. The
+petition was drafted by Mr. Bradlaugh, and ran as follows:--
+
+"TO THE HONORABLE THE COMMONS OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND, IN PARLIAMENT
+ASSEMBLED.
+
+"The humble petition of the undersigned,
+
+"Prays,--That no further grant or allowance may be made to any member of
+the Royal Family until an account shall have been laid before your
+Honorable House, showing the total real and personal estates and incomes
+of each and every member of the said Royal Family who shall be in receipt
+of any pension or allowance, and also showing all posts and places of
+profit severally held by members of the said Royal Family, and also
+showing all pensions, if any, formerly charged on any estates now enjoyed
+by any member or members of the said Royal Family, and in case any such
+pensions shall have been transferred, showing how and at what date such
+transfer took place."
+
+Day after day, week after week, month after month, the postman delivered
+rolls of paper, little and big, each roll containing names and addresses
+of men and woman who protested against the waste of public money on our
+greedy and never-satisfied Royal House. The sheets often bore the marks
+of the places to which they had been carried; from a mining district some
+would come coal-dust-blackened, which had been signed in the mines by
+workers who grudged to idleness the fruits of toil; from an agricultural
+district the sheets bore often far too many "crosses", the "marks" of
+those whom Church and landlord had left in ignorance, regarding them only
+as machines for sowing and reaping. From September, 1875, to March, 1876,
+they came in steady stream, and each was added to the ever-lengthening
+roll which lay in one corner of my sitting-room and which assumed ever
+larger and larger proportions. At last the work was over, and on June
+16th, 1876, the "monster"--rolled on a mahogany pole presented by a
+London friend, and encased in American cloth--was placed in a carriage to
+be conveyed to the House of Commons; the heading ran: "The petition of
+the undersigned Charles Bradlaugh, Annie Besant, Charles Watts, and
+102,934 others". Unrolled, it was nearly a mile in length, and a very
+happy time we had in rolling the last few hundred yards. When we arrived
+at the House, Mr. Bradlaugh and Mr. Watts carried the petition up
+Westminster Hall, each holding one end of the mahogany pole. Messrs. Burt
+and Macdonald took charge of the "monster" at the door of the House, and,
+carrying it in, presented it in due form. The presentation caused
+considerable excitement both in the House and in the press, and the
+_Newcastle Daily Chronicle_ said some kindly words of the "labor and
+enthusiasm" bestowed on the petition by myself.
+
+At the beginning of August, 1875, the first attempt to deprive me of my
+little daughter, Mabel, was made, but fortunately proved unsuccessful.
+The story of the trick played is told in the _National Reformer_ of
+August 22nd, and I quote it just as it appeared there :--
+
+"PERSONAL.--Mrs. Annie Besant, as some of our readers are aware, was the
+wife of a Church of England clergyman, the Rev. Frank Besant, Vicar of
+Sibsey, near Boston, in Lincolnshire. There is no need, _at present_, to
+say anything about the earlier portion of her married life; but when Mrs.
+Besant's opinions on religious matters became liberal, the conduct of her
+husband rendered a separation absolutely necessary, and in 1873 a formal
+deed of separation was drawn up, and duly executed. Under this deed Mrs.
+Besant is entitled to the sole custody and control of her infant daughter
+Mabel until the child becomes of age, with the proviso that the little
+girl is to visit her father for one month in each year. Having recently
+obtained possession of the person of the little child under cover of the
+annual visit, the Rev. Mr. Besant sought to deprive Mrs. Besant entirely
+of her daughter, on the ground of Mrs. Besant's Atheism. Vigorous steps
+were at once taken by Messrs. Lewis and Lewis (to whom our readers will
+remember we entrusted the case of Mr. Lennard against Mr. Woolrych), by
+whose advice Mrs. Besant at once went down herself to Sibsey to demand
+the child; the little girl had been hidden, and was not at the Vicarage,
+but we are glad to report that Mrs. Besant has, after some little
+difficulty, recovered the custody of her daughter. It was decided against
+Percy Bysshe Shelley that an Atheist father could not be the guardian of
+his own children. If this law be appealed to, and anyone dares to enforce
+it, we shall contest it step by step; and while we are out of England, we
+know that in case of any attempt to retake the child by force we may
+safely leave our new advocate to the protection of the stout arms of our
+friends, who will see that no injustice of this kind is done her. So far
+as the law courts are concerned, we have the most complete confidence in
+Mr. George Henry Lewis, and we shall fight the case to House of Lords if
+need be.
+
+CHARLES BRADLAUGH."
+
+The attempt to take the child from me by force indeed failed, but later
+the theft was successfully carried out by due process of law. It is
+always a blunder from a tactical point of view for a Christian to use
+methods of illegal violence in persecuting an Atheist in this Christian
+land; legal violence is a far safer weapon, for courage can checkmate the
+first, while it is helpless before the second. All Christians who adopt
+the sound old principle that "no faith need be kept with the heretic"
+should remember that they can always guard themselves against unpleasant
+consequences by breaking faith under cover of the laws against heresy,
+which still remain on our Statute Book _ad majorem Dei gloriam_.
+
+In September, 1875, Mr. Bradlaugh again sailed for America, leaving
+plenty of work to be done by his colleagues before he returned. The
+Executive of the National Secular Society had determined to issue a
+"Secular Song Book", and the task of selection and of editing was
+confided to me. The little book was duly issued, and ran through two
+editions; then, feeling that it was marred by many sins both of
+commission and omission, I set my face against the publication of a third
+edition, hoping that a compilation more worthy of Free Thought might be
+made. I am half inclined to take the matter up again, and set to work at
+a fresh collection.
+
+The delivery and publication of a course of six lectures on the early
+part of the French Revolution was another portion of that autumn's work;
+they involved a large amount of labor, as I had determined to tell the
+story from the people's point of view, and was therefore compelled to
+read a large amount of the current literature of the time, as well as the
+great standard histories of Louis Blanc, Michelet, and others.
+Fortunately for me, Mr. Bradlaugh had a splendid collection of works on
+the subject, and before he left England he brought to me two cabs full of
+books, French and English, from all points of view, aristocratic,
+ecclesiastical, democratic, and I studied these diligently and
+impartially until the French Revolution became to me as a drama in which
+I had myself taken part, and the actors therein became personal friends
+and foes. In this, again, as in so much of my public work, I have to
+thank Mr. Bradlaugh for the influence which led me to read fully all
+sides of a question, and to read most carefully those from which I
+differed most, ere I judged myself competent to write or to speak
+thereon.
+
+The late autumn was clouded by the news of Mr. Bradlaugh's serious
+illness in America. After struggling for some time against ill-health he
+was struck down by an attack of pleurisy, to which soon was added typhoid
+fever, and for a time lay at the brink of the grave. Dr. Otis, his able
+physician, finding that it was impossible to give him the necessary
+attendance at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, put him into his own carriage and
+drove him to the Hospital of St. Luke's, where he confided him to the
+care of Dr. Leaming, himself also visiting him daily. Of this illness the
+_Baltimore Advertiser_ wrote:
+
+"Mr. Charles Bradlaugh, the famous English Radical lecturer, has been so
+very dangerously ill that his life has almost been despaired of. He was
+taken ill at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, and partially recovered; but on the
+day upon which a lecture had been arranged from him before the Liberal
+Club he was taken down a second time with a relapse, which has been very
+near proving fatal. The cause was overwork and complete nervous
+prostration which brought on low fever. His physician has allowed one
+friend only to see him daily for five minutes, and removed him to St.
+Luke's Hospital for the sake of the absolute quiet, comfort, and
+intelligent attendance he could secure there, and for which he was glad
+to pay munificently. This long and severe illness has disappointed the
+hopes and retarded the object for which he came to this country; but he
+is gentleness and patience itself in his sickness in this strange land,
+and has endeared himself greatly to his physicians and attendants by his
+gratitude and appreciation of the slightest attention."
+
+There is no doubt that the care so willingly lavished on the English
+stranger saved his life, and those who in England honor Charles Bradlaugh
+as chief and love him as friend must always keep in grateful memory those
+who in his sorest need served him so nobly well. Those who think that an
+Atheist cannot calmly face the prospect of death might well learn a
+lesson from the fortitude and courage shown by an Atheist as he lay at
+the point of death, far from home and from all he loved best. The Rev.
+Mr. Frothingham bore public and admiring testimony in his own church to
+Mr. Bradlaugh's perfect serenity, at once fearless and unpretending, and,
+himself a Theist, gave willing witness to the Atheist's calm strength.
+
+Mr. Bradlaugh returned to England at the end of December, worn to a
+shadow and terribly weak, and for many a long month he bore the traces of
+his wrestle with death. Indeed, he felt the effect of the illness for
+years, for typhoid fever is a foe whose weapons leave scars even after
+the healing of the wounds it inflicts.
+
+The first work done by Mr. Bradlaugh on resuming the editorial chair of
+the _National Reformer_, was to indite a vigorous protest against the
+investment of national capital in the Suez Canal Shares. He exposed the
+financial condition of Egypt, gave detail after detail of the Khedive's
+indebtedness, unveiled the rottenness of the Egyptian Government, warned
+the people of the danger of taking the first steps in a path which must
+lead to continual interference in Egyptian finance, denounced the
+shameful job perpetrated by Mr. Disraeli in borrowing the money for the
+purchase from the Rothschilds at enormous interest. His protest was, of
+course, useless, but its justice has been proved by the course of events.
+The bombarding of Alexandria, the shameful repression of the national
+movement in Egypt, the wholesale and useless slaughter in the Soudan, the
+waste of English lives and English money, the new burden of debt and of
+responsibility now assumed by the Government, all these are the results
+of the fatal purchase of shares in the Suez Canal by Mr. Disraeli; yet
+against the chorus of praise which resounded from every side when the
+purchase was announced, but one voice of disapproval and of warning was
+raised at first; others soon caught the warning and saw the dangers it
+pointed out, but for awhile Charles Bradlaugh stood alone in his
+opposition, and to him belongs the credit of at once seeing the peril
+which lay under the purchase.
+
+The 1876 Conference of the National Secular Society held at Leeds showed
+the growing power of the organisation, and was made notable by a very
+pleasant incident--the presentation to a miner, William Washington, of a
+silver tea-pot and some books, in recognition of a very noble act of
+self-devotion. An explosion had occurred on December 6th, 1875, at
+Swaithe Main pit, in which 143 miners were killed; a miner belonging to a
+neighboring pit, named William Washington, an Atheist, when every one was
+hanging back, sprang into the cage to descend into the pit in forlorn
+hope of rescue, when to descend seemed almost certain death. Others
+swiftly followed the gallant volunteer, but he had set the example, and
+it was felt by the Executive of the National Secular Society that his
+heroism deserved recognition, William Washington set his face against any
+gift to himself, so the subscription to a testimonial was limited to 6d.,
+and a silver teapot was presented to him for his wife and some books for
+his children. At this same Conference a committee was appointed,
+consisting of Messrs. Charles Bradlaugh, G.J. Holyoake, C. Watts, R.A.
+Cooper,--Gimson, T. Slater, and Mrs. Besant, to draw up a fresh statement
+of the principles and objects of the National Secular Society; it was
+decided that this statement should be submitted to the ensuing
+Conference, that the deliberation on the report of the Committee should
+"be open to all Freethinkers, but that only those will be entitled to
+vote on the ratification who declare their determination to enter the
+Society on the basis of the ratified constitution". It was hoped that by
+this means various scattered and independent societies might be brought
+into union, and that the National Secular Society might he thereby
+strengthened. The committee held a very large number of meetings and
+finally decided on the following statement, which was approved of at the
+Conference held at Nottingham in 1877, and stands now as the "Principles
+and Object of the National Secular Society":--
+
+"The National Secular Society has been formed to maintain the principles
+and rights of Freethought, and to direct their application to the Secular
+improvement of this life.
+
+"By the principle of Freethought is meant the exercise of the
+understanding upon relevant facts, and independently of penal or priestly
+intimidation.
+
+"By the rights of Freethought are meant the liberty of free criticism for
+the security of truth, and the liberty of free publicity for the
+extension of truth.
+
+"Secularism relates to the present existence of man, and to actions the
+issue of which can be tested by experience.
+
+"It declares that the promotion of human improvement and happiness is the
+highest duty, and that morality is to be tested by utility.
+
+"That in order to promote effectually the improvement and happiness of
+mankind, every individual of the human family ought to be well placed and
+well instructed, and that all who are of a suitable age ought to be
+usefully employed for their own and the general good.
+
+"That human improvement and happiness cannot be effectually promoted
+without civil and religious liberty; and that, therefore, it is the duty
+of every individual to actively attack all barriers to equal freedom of
+thought and utterance for all, upon political, theological, and social
+subjects.
+
+"A Secularist is one who deduces his moral duties from considerations
+which pertain to this life, and who, practically recognising the above
+duties, devotes himself to the promotion of the general good.
+
+"The object of the National Secular Society is to disseminate the above
+principles by every legitimate means in its power."
+
+At this same Conference of Leeds was inaugurated the subscription to the
+statue to be erected in Rome to the memory of Giordano Bruno, burned in
+that city for Atheism in 1600; this resulted in the collection of L60.
+
+The Executive appointed by the Leeds Conference made great efforts to
+induce the Freethinkers of the country to work for the repeal of the
+Blasphemy Laws, and in October 1876 they issued a copy of a petition
+against those evil laws to every one of the forty branches of the
+Society. The effort proved, however, of little avail. The laws had not
+been put in force for a long time, and were regarded with apathy as being
+obsolete, and it has needed the cruel imprisonments inflicted by Mr.
+Justice North on Messrs. Foote, Ramsey, and Kemp, to arouse the
+Freethought party to a sense of their duty in the matter.
+
+The year 1877 had scarcely opened ere we found ourselves with a serious
+fight on our hands. A pamphlet written early in the present century by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D., entitled "The Fruits of Philosophy", which had
+been sold unchallenged in England for nearly forty years, was suddenly
+seized at Bristol as an obscene publication. The book had been supplied
+in the ordinary course of business by Mr. Charles Watts, but the Bristol
+bookseller had altered its price, had inserted some indecent pictures in
+it, and had sold it among literature to which the word obscene was fairly
+applied. In itself, Dr. Knowlton's work was merely a physiological
+treatise, and it advocated conjugal prudence and parental responsibility;
+it argued in favor of early marriage, but as over-large families among
+persons of limited incomes imply either pauperism, or lack of necessary
+food, clothing, education, and fair start in life for the children, Dr.
+Knowlton advocated the restriction of the number of the family within the
+means of existence, and stated the means by which this restriction should
+be carried out. On hearing of the prosecution, Mr. Watts went down to
+Bristol, and frankly announced himself as the publisher of the book. Soon
+after his return to London he was arrested on the charge of having
+published an obscene book, and was duly liberated on bail. Mr. and Mrs.
+Watts, Mr. Bradlaugh and myself met to arrange our plan of united action
+on Friday, January 12th, and it was decided that Mr. Watts should defend
+the book, that a fund should at once be raised for his legal expenses,
+and that once more the right of publication of useful knowledge in a
+cheap form should be defended by the leaders of the Freethought party.
+After long and friendly discussion we separated with the plan of the
+campaign arranged, and it was decided that I should claim the sympathy
+and help of the Plymouth friends, whom I was to address on the following
+Sunday, January 14th. I went down to Plymouth on January 13th, and there
+received a telegram from Mr. Watts, saying that a change of plan had been
+decided on. I was puzzled, but none the less I appealed for help as I had
+promised to do, and a collection of L8 1s. 10d. for Mr. Watts' Defence
+Fund was made after my evening lecture. To my horror, on returning to
+London, I found that Mr. Watts had given way before the peril of
+imprisonment, and had decided to plead guilty to the charge of publishing
+an obscene book, and to throw himself on the mercy of the Court, relying
+on his previous good character and on an alleged ignorance of the
+contents of the incriminated work. The latter plea we knew to be false,
+for Mr. Watts before going down to Bristol to declare himself responsible
+for the pamphlet had carefully read it and had marked all the passages
+which, being physiological, might be attacked as "obscene". This marked
+copy he had sent to the Bristol bookseller, before he himself went to
+Bristol to attend the trial, and under these circumstances any pretence
+of ignorance of the contents of the book was transparently inaccurate.
+Mr. Watts' surrender, of course, upset all the arrangements we had agreed
+on; Mr. Bradlaugh and myself were prepared to stand by him in battle, but
+not in surrender. I at once returned to the Secretary of the Plymouth
+Branch the money collected for defence, not for capitulation, and Mr.
+Bradlaugh published the following brief statement in the _National
+Reformer_ for January 21st:
+
+"PROSECUTION OF Mr. CHARLES WATTS.--Mr. Charles Watts, as most of our
+readers will have already learned, has been committed for trial at the
+Central Criminal Court for February 5th, for misdemeanor, for publication
+of a work on the population question, entitled "Fruits of Philosophy", by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D. This book has been openly published in England and
+America for more than thirty years. It was sold in England by James
+Watson, who always bore the highest repute. On James Watson's retirement
+from business it was sold by Holyoake & Co., at Fleet Street House, and
+was afterwards sold by Mr. Austin Holyoake until the time of his death;
+and a separate edition was, up till last week, still sold by Mr. Brooks,
+of 282, Strand, W.C. When Mr. James Watson died, Mr. Charles Watts bought
+from James Watson's widow a large quantity of stereotype plates,
+including this work. If this book is to be condemned as obscene, so also
+in my opinion must be many published by Messrs. W.H. Smith & Son, and
+other publishers, against whose respectability no imputation has been
+made. Such books as Darwin's 'Origin of Species' and 'Descent of Man'
+must immediately be branded as obscene, while no medical work must be
+permitted publication; and all theological works, like those of Dulaure,
+Inman, etc., dealing with ancient creeds, must at once be suppressed. The
+bulk of the publications of the society for the repeal of the Contagious
+Diseases Acts, together with its monthly organ, the _Shield_, would be
+equally liable. The issue of the greater part of classic authors, and of
+Lempriere, Shakspere, Sterne, Fielding, Richardson, Rabelais, etc., must
+be stopped: while the Bible--containing obscene passages omitted from the
+lectionary--must no longer be permitted circulation. All these contain
+obscenity which is either inserted to amuse or to instruct, and the
+medical work now assailed deals with physiological points purely to
+instruct, and to increase the happiness of men and women.
+
+"If the pamphlet now prosecuted had been brought to me for publication, I
+should probably have declined to publish it, not because of the
+subject-matter, but because I do not like its style. If I had once
+published it, I should defend it until the very last. Here Mr. Watts and
+myself disagree in opinion; and as he is the person chiefly concerned, it
+is, of course, right that his decision should determine what is done. He
+tells me that he thinks the pamphlet indefensible, and that he was misled
+in publishing it without examination as part of James Watson's stock. I
+think it ought to be fought right through. Under these circumstances I
+can only leave Mr. Watts to speak for himself, as we so utterly differ in
+opinion on this case that I cease to be his proper interpreter. I have,
+therefore, already offered Mr. Watts the columns of the _National
+Reformer_, that he may put before the party his view of the case, which
+he does in another column."--C. BRADLAUGH.
+
+
+
+XIV.
+
+
+Up to this time (January, 1877) Mr. Watts had acted as sub-editor of the
+_National Reformer_, and printer and publisher of the books and pamphlets
+issued by Mr. Bradlaugh and myself. The continuance of this common work
+obviously became impossible after Mr. Watts had determined to surrender
+one of his publications under threat of prosecution. We felt that for two
+main reasons we could no longer publicly associate ourselves with him:
+(1) We could not retain on our publications the name of a man who had
+pleaded guilty to the publication of an obscene work; (2) Many of our
+writings were liable to prosecution for blasphemy, and it was necessary
+that we should have a publisher who could be relied on to stand firm in
+time of peril; we felt that if Mr. Watts surrendered one thing he would
+be likely to surrender others. This feeling on my part was strengthened
+by the remembrance of a request of his made a few months before, that I
+would print my own name instead of his as publisher of a political song I
+had issued, on the ground that it might come within the law of seditious
+libel. I had readily acceded at the time, but when absolute surrender
+under attack followed on timid precaution against attack, I felt that a
+bolder publisher was necessary to me. No particular blame should be laid
+on persons who are constitutionally timid; they have their own line of
+usefulness, and are often pleasant and agreeable folk enough; but they
+are out of place in the front rank of a fighting movement, for their
+desertion in face of the enemy means added danger for those left to carry
+on the fight. We therefore decided to sever ourselves from Mr. Watts; and
+Mr. Bradlaugh, in the _National Reformer_ of January 28th, inserted the
+following statement:
+
+"The divergence of opinion between myself and Mr. Charles Watts is so
+complete on the Knowlton case, that he has already ceased to be
+sub-editor of this journal, and I have given him notice determining our
+connexion on and from March 25th. My reasons for this course are as
+follows. The Knowlton pamphlet is either decent or indecent. If decent it
+ought to be defended; if indecent it should never have been published. To
+judge it indecent is to condemn, with the most severe condemnation, James
+Watson whom I respected, and Austin Holyoake with whom I worked. I hold
+the work to be defensible, and I deny the right of any one to interfere
+with the full and free discussion of social questions affecting the
+happiness of the nation. The struggle for a free press has been one of
+the marks of the Freethought Party throughout its history, and as long as
+the Party permits me to hold its flag, I will never voluntarily lower it.
+I have no right and no power to dictate to Mr. Watts the course he should
+pursue, but I have the right and duty to refuse to associate my name with
+a submission which is utterly repugnant to my nature, and inconsistent
+with my whole career."
+
+After a long discussion, Mr. Bradlaugh and I made up our minds as to the
+course we would pursue. We decided that we would never again place
+ourselves at a publisher's mercy, but would ensure the defence of all we
+published by publishing everything ourselves; we resolved to become
+printers and publishers, and to take any small place we could find and
+open it as a Freethought shop. I undertook the sub-editorship of the
+_National Reformer_, and the weekly Summary of News, which had hitherto
+been done by Mr. Watts, was placed in the hands of Mr. Bradlaugh's
+daughters. The next thing to do was to find a publishing office.
+Somewhere within reach of Fleet Street the office must be; small it must
+be, as we had no funds and the risk of starting a business of which we
+knew nothing was great. Still "all things are possible to" those who are
+resolute; we discovered a tumble-down little place in Stonecutter Street
+and secured it by the good offices of our friend, Mr. Charles Herbert; we
+borrowed a few hundred pounds from personal friends, and made our new
+tenement habitable; we drew up a deed of partnership, founding the
+"Freethought Publishing Company", Mr. Bradlaugh and myself being the only
+partners; we engaged Mr. W.J. Ramsey as manager of the business; and in
+the _National Reformer_ of February 25th we were able to announce:
+
+"The publishing office of the _National Reformer_ and of all the works of
+Charles Bradlaugh and Annie Besant is now at 28, Stonecutter Street,
+E.C., three doors from Farringdon Street, where the manager, Mr. W.J.
+Ramsey, will be glad to receive orders for the supply of any Freethought
+literature".
+
+A week later we issued the following address:
+
+"ADDRESS FROM THE FREETHOUGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY TO THE READERS OF THE
+'NATIONAL REFORMER'.
+
+"When the prospectus of the _National Reformer_ was issued by the
+founder, Charles Bradlaugh, in 1859, he described its policy as
+'Atheistic in theology, Republican in politics, and Malthusian in social
+economy', and a free platform was promised and has been maintained for
+the discussion of each of these topics. In ventilating the population
+question the stand taken by Mr. Bradlaugh, both here and on the platform,
+is well known to our old readers, and many works bearing on this vital
+subject have been advertised and reviewed in these columns. In this the
+_National Reformer_ has followed the course pursued by Mr. George Jacob
+Holyoake, who in 1853 published a 'Freethought Directory', giving a list
+of the various books supplied from the 'Fleet Street House', and which
+list contained amongst others:
+
+"'Anti-Marcus on the Population Question.'
+
+"Fowler's Tracts on Physiology, etc.
+
+"Dr. C. Knowlton's 'Fruits of Philosophy'.
+
+"'Moral Physiology: a plain treatise on the Population Question.'
+
+"In this Directory Mr. G.J. Holyoake says:
+
+"'No. 147 Fleet Street is a Central Secular Book Depot, where all works
+extant in the English language on the side of Freethought in Religion,
+Politics, Morals, and Culture are kept in stock, or are procured at short
+notice.'
+
+"We shall try to do at 28 Stonecutter Street that which Mr. Holyoake's
+Directory promised for Fleet Street House.
+
+"The partners in the Freethought Publishing Company are Annie Besant and
+Charles Bradlaugh, who have entered into a legal partnership for the
+purpose of sharing the legal responsibility of the works they publish.
+
+"We intend to publish nothing that we do not think we can morally defend.
+All that we do publish we shall defend. We do not mean that we shall
+agree with all we publish, but we shall, so far as we can, try to keep
+the possibility of free utterance of earnest, honest opinion.
+
+"It may not be out of place here to remind new readers of this journal of
+that which old readers well know, that no articles are editorial except
+those which are unsigned or bear the name of the editor, or that of the
+sub-editor; for each and every other article the author is allowed to say
+his own say in his own way; the editor only furnishes the means to
+address our readers, leaving to him or to her the right and
+responsibility of divergent thought.
+
+"ANNIE BESANT
+"CHARLES BRADLAUGH."
+
+Thus we found ourselves suddenly launched on a new undertaking, and with
+some amusement and much trepidation I realised that I was "in business",
+with business knowledge amounting to _nil_. I had, however, fair ability
+and plenty of goodwill, and I determined to learn my work, feeling proud
+that I had become one of the list of "Freethought publishers", who
+published for love of the cause of freedom, and risked all for the
+triumph of a principle ere it wore "silver slippers and walked in the
+sunshine with applause".
+
+On February 8th Mr. Watts was tried at the Old Bailey. He withdrew his
+plea of "Not Guilty", and pleaded "Guilty". His counsel urged that he was
+a man of good character, that Mr. George Jacob Holyoake had sold the
+incriminated pamphlet, that Mr. Watts had bought the stereo-plates of it
+in the stock of the late Mr. Austin Holyoake, which he had taken over
+bodily, and that he had never read the book until after the Bristol
+investigation. "Mr. Watts pledges himself to me", the counsel stated,
+"that he was entirely ignorant of the contents of this pamphlet until he
+heard passages read from it in the prosecution at Bristol". The counsel
+for the prosecution pointed out that this statement was inaccurate, and
+read passages from Mr. Watts' deposition made on the first occasion at
+Bristol, in which Mr. Watts stated that he had perused the book, and was
+prepared to justify it as a medical work. He, however, did not wish to
+press the case, if the plates and stock were destroyed, and Mr. Watts was
+accordingly discharged on his own recognisances in L500 to come up for
+judgment when called on.
+
+While this struggle was raging, an old friend of Mr. Bradlaugh's, Mr.
+George Odger, was slowly passing away; the good old man lay dying in his
+poor lodgings in High Street, Oxford Street, and I find recorded in the
+_National Reformer_ of March 4th, that on February 28th we had been to
+see him, and that "he is very feeble and is, apparently, sinking fast;
+but he is as brave and bright, facing his last enemy, as he has ever been
+facing his former ones". He died on March 4th, and was buried in Brompton
+Cemetery on the 10th of the same month.
+
+A grave question now lay before us for decision. The Knowlton pamphlet
+had been surrendered; was that surrender to stand as the last word of the
+Freethought party on a book which had been sold by the most prominent men
+in its ranks for forty years? To our minds such surrender, left
+unchallenged, would be a stain on all who submitted to it, and we decided
+that faulty as the book was in many respects it had yet become the symbol
+of a great principle, of the right to circulate physiological knowledge
+among the poor in pamphlets published at a price they could afford to
+pay. Deliberately counting the risk, recognising that by our action we
+should subject ourselves to the vilest slander, knowing that Christian
+malice would misrepresent and ignorance would echo the misrepresentation
+--we yet resolved that the sacrifice must be made, and made by us in
+virtue of our position in the Freethought Party. If the leaders flinched
+how could the followers be expected to fight? The greatest sacrifice had
+to be made by Mr. Bradlaugh. How would an indictment for publishing an
+obscene book affect his candidature for Northampton? What a new weapon
+for his foes, what a new difficulty for his friends! I may say here that
+our worst forebodings were realised by the event; we have been assailed
+as "vendors of obscene literature", as "writers of obscene books", as
+"living by the circulation of filthy books". And it is because such
+accusations have been widely made that I here place on permanent record
+the facts of the case, for thus, at least, some honest opponents will
+learn the truth and will cease to circulate the slanders they may have
+repeated in ignorance.
+
+On February 27th our determination to republish the Knowlton pamphlet was
+announced by Mr. Bradlaugh in an address delivered by him at the Hall of
+Science on "The Right of Publication". Extracts from a brief report,
+published in the _National Reformer_ of March 11th, will show the drift
+of his statement:
+
+"Mr. Bradlaugh was most warmly welcomed to the platform, and reiterated
+cheers greeted him as he rose to make his speech. Few who heard him that
+evening will forget the passion and the pathos with which he spoke. The
+defence of the right to publish was put as strongly and as firmly as
+words could put it, and the determination to maintain that right, in dock
+and in jail as on the platform, rang out with no uncertain sound. Truly,
+as the orator said: 'The bold words I have spoken from this place would
+be nothing but the emptiest brag and the coward's boast, if I flinched
+now in the day of battle'. Every word of praise of the fighters of old
+would fall in disgrace on the head of him who spoke it, if when the time
+came to share in their peril he shrunk back from the danger of the
+strife.... Mr. Bradlaugh drew a graphic picture of the earlier struggles
+for a free press, and then dealt with the present state of the law; from
+that he passed on to the pamphlet which is the test-question of the hour;
+he pointed out how some parts of it were foolish, such as the
+'philosophical proem', but remarked that he knew no right in law to
+forbid the publication of all save wisdom; he then showed how, had he
+originally been asked to publish the pamphlet, he should have raised some
+objections to its style, but that was a very different matter from
+permitting the authorities to stop its sale; the style of many books
+might be faulty without the books being therefore obscene. He contended
+the book was a perfectly moral medical work, and was no more indecent
+than every other medical work dealing with the same subject. The
+knowledge it gave was useful knowledge; many a young man might be saved
+from disease by such a knowledge as was contained in the book; if it was
+argued that such books should not be sold at so cheap a rate, he replied
+that it was among the masses that such physiological knowledge was
+needed, 'and if there is one subject above all others', he exclaimed,
+'for which a man might gladly sacrifice his hopes and his life, surely it
+is for that which would relieve his fellow-men from poverty, the mother
+of crimes, and would make happy homes where now only want and suffering
+reign'. He had fully counted the cost; he knew all he might lose; but
+Carlile before him had been imprisoned for teaching the same doctrine,
+'and what Carlile did for his day, I, while health and strength remain,
+will do for mine'."
+
+The position we took up in republishing the pamphlet was clearly stated
+in the preface which we wrote for it, and which I here reprint, as it
+gives plainly and briefly the facts of the case:
+
+"PUBLISHERS' PREFACE TO DR. KNOWLTON'S 'FRUITS OF PHILOSOPHY'.
+
+"The pamphlet which we now present to the public is one which has been
+lately prosecuted under Lord Campbell's Act, and which we now republish
+in order to test the right of publication. It was originally written by
+Charles Knowlton, M.D., an American physician, whose degree entitles him
+to be heard with respect on a medical question. It is openly sold and
+widely circulated in America at the present time. It was first published
+in England, about forty years ago, by James Watson, the gallant Radical
+who came to London and took up Richard Carlile's work when Carlile was in
+jail. He sold it unchallenged for many years, approved it, and
+recommended it. It was printed and published by Messrs. Holyoake and Co.,
+and found its place, with other works of a similar character, in their
+'Freethought Directory' of 1853, and was thus identified with Freethought
+literature at the then leading Freethought _depot_ . Mr. Austin Holyoake,
+working in conjunction with Mr. Bradlaugh at the _National Reformer_
+office, Johnson's Court, printed and published it in his turn, and this
+well-known Freethought advocate, in his 'Large or Small Families'.
+selected this pamphlet, together with R.D. Owen's 'Moral Physiology' and
+the 'Elements of Social Science', for special recommendation. Mr. Charles
+Watts, succeeding to Mr. Austin Holyoake's business, continued the sale,
+and when Mr. Watson died in 1875, he bought the plates of the work (with
+others) from Mrs. Watson, and continued to advertise and to sell it until
+December 23rd, 1876. For the last forty years the book has thus been
+identified with Freethought, advertised by leading Freethinkers,
+published under the sanction of their names, and sold in the
+head-quarters of Freethought literature. If during this long period the
+party has thus--without one word of protest--circulated an indecent work,
+the less we talk about Freethought morality the better; the work has been
+largely sold, and if leading Freethinkers have sold it--profiting by the
+sale--in mere carelessness, few words could be strong enough to brand the
+indifference which thus scattered obscenity broadcast over the land. The
+pamphlet has been withdrawn from circulation in consequence of the
+prosecution instituted against Mr. Charles Watts, but the question of its
+legality or illegality has not been tried; a plea of 'Guilty' was put in
+by the publisher, and the book, therefore, was not examined, nor was any
+judgment passed upon it; no jury registered a verdict, and the judge
+stated that he had not read the work.
+
+"We republish this pamphlet, honestly believing that on all questions
+affecting the happiness of the people, whether they be theological,
+political, or social, fullest right of free discussion ought to be
+maintained at all hazards. We do not personally endorse all that Dr.
+Knowlton says: his 'Philosophical Proem' seems to us full of
+philosophical mistakes, and--as we are neither of us doctors--we are not
+prepared to endorse his medical views; but since progress can only be
+made through discussion, and no discussion is possible where differing
+opinions are suppressed, we claim the right to publish all opinions, so
+that the public, enabled to see all sides of a question, may have the
+materials for forming a sound judgment.
+
+"The alterations made are very slight; the book was badly printed, and
+errors of spelling and a few clumsy grammatical expressions have been
+corrected; the sub-title has been changed, and in one case four lines
+have been omitted, because they are repeated word for word further on. We
+have, however, made some additions to the pamphlet, which are in all
+cases kept distinct from the original text. Physiology has made great
+strides during the past forty years, and not considering it right to
+circulate erroneous physiology, we submitted the pamphlet to a doctor in
+whose accurate knowledge we have the fullest confidence, and who is
+widely known in all parts of the world as the author of the "Elements of
+Social Science"; the notes signed "G.R." are written by this gentleman.
+References to other works are given in foot notes for the assistance of
+the reader, if he desires to study the subject further.
+
+"Old Radicals will remember that Richard Carlile published a work
+entitled 'Every Woman's Book', which deals with the same subject, and
+advocates the same object, as Dr. Knowlton's pamphlet. E.D. Owen objected
+to the 'style and tone' of Carlile's 'Every Woman's Book' as not being
+'in good taste', and he wrote his 'Moral Physiology', to do in America
+what Carlile's work was intended to do in England. This work of Carlile's
+was stigmatised as 'indecent' and 'immoral' because it advocated, as does
+Dr. Knowlton's, the use of preventive checks to population. In striving
+to carry on Carlile's work, we cannot expect to escape Carlile's
+reproach, but whether applauded or condemned we mean to carry it on,
+socially as well as politically and theologically.
+
+"We believe, with the Rev. Mr. Malthus, that population has a tendency to
+increase faster than the means of existence, and that _some_ checks must
+therefore exercise control over population; the checks now exercised are
+semi-starvation and preventible disease; the enormous mortality among the
+infants of the poor is one of the checks which now keeps down the
+population. The checks that ought to control population are scientific,
+and it is these which we advocate. We think it more moral to prevent the
+conception of children, than, after they are born, to murder them by want
+of food, air, and clothing. We advocate scientific checks to population,
+because, so long as poor men have large families, pauperism is a
+necessity, and from pauperism grow crime and disease. The wage which
+would support the parents and two or three children in comfort and
+decency is utterly insufficient to maintain a family of twelve or
+fourteen, and we consider it a crime to bring into the world human beings
+doomed to misery or to premature death. It is not only the hand-working
+classes which are concerned in this question. The poor curate, the
+struggling man of business, the young professional man, are often made
+wretched for life by their inordinately large families, and their years
+are passed in one long battle to live; meanwhile the woman's health is
+sacrificed and her life embittered from the same cause. To all of these,
+we point the way of relief and of happiness; for the sake of these we
+publish what others fear to issue, and we do it, confident that if we
+fail the first time, we shall succeed at last, and that the English
+public will not permit the authorities to stifle a discussion of the most
+important social question which can influence a nation's welfare.
+
+"CHARLES BRADLAUGH.
+"ANNIE BESANT."
+
+We advertised the sale of the pamphlet in the _National Reformer_ of
+March 25th (published March 22nd) in the following words:
+
+FRUITS OF PHILOSOPHY. By CHARLES KNOWLTON, M.D. PRICE SIXPENCE.
+
+This Pamphlet will be republished on Saturday, March 24th, _in extenso_,
+with some additional Medical Notes by a London Doctor of Medicine. It
+will be on sale at 28, Stonecutter Street, E.G., after 4 p.m. until close
+of shop. No one need apply before this time, as none will be on sale. Mr.
+Charles Bradlaugh and Mrs. Annie Besant will be in attendance from that
+hour, and will sell personally the first hundred copies.
+
+FREETHOUGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY, 28, Stonecutter Street, E.C.
+
+In addition to this we ourselves delivered copies on March 23rd to Mr.
+Martin, the Chief Clerk of the magistrates at Guildhall, to the officer
+in charge at the City Police Office in Old Jewry, and to the Solicitor
+for the City of London. With each pamphlet we handed in a notice that we
+should attend personally to sell the book on March 24th, at Stonecutter
+Street, from 4 to 5 p.m. These precautions were taken in order to force
+the authorities to prosecute us, and not any of our subordinates, if they
+prosecuted at all. The account of the first sale will interest many:
+
+"On Saturday we went down to Stonecutter Street, accompanied by the
+Misses Bradlaugh and Mr. and Mrs. Touzeau Parris; we arrived at No. 28 at
+three minutes to four, and found a crowd awaiting us. We promptly filled
+the window with copies of the pamphlet, as a kind of general notice of
+the sale within, and then opened the door. The shop was filled
+immediately, and in twenty minutes over 500 copies were sold. No one sold
+save Mr. Bradlaugh and myself, but Miss Bradlaugh sorted dozens with a
+skill that seemed to stamp her as intended by nature for the business,
+while her sister supplied change with a rapidity worthy of a bank clerk.
+Several detectives favored us with a visit, and one amused us by coming
+in and buying two copies from Mr. Bradlaugh, and then retiring
+gracefully; after an interval of perhaps a quarter of an hour he
+reappeared, and purchased one from me. Two policemen outside made
+themselves useful; one patrolled the street calmly, and the other very
+kindly aided Norrish, Mr. Eamsey's co-worker, in his efforts to keep the
+stream flowing quietly, without too much pressure. Mr. Bradlaugh's voice
+was heard warningly from time to time, bidding customers not to crowd,
+and everything went well and smoothly, save that I occasionally got into
+fearful muddles in the intricacies of 'trade price'; I disgusted one
+customer, who muttered roughly 'Ritchie', and who, when I gave him two
+copies, and put his shilling in the till, growled: 'I shan't take them'.
+I was fairly puzzled, till Mr. Bradlaugh enlightened me as to the
+difficulty, 'Ritchie' to me being unknown; it appeared that 'Ritchie',
+muttered by the buyer, meant that the copies were wanted by a bookseller
+of that name, and his messenger was irate at being charged full price.
+Friends from various parts appeared to give a kindly word; a number of
+the members of the Dialectical Society came in, and many were the
+congratulations and promises of aid in case of need. Several who came in
+offered to come forward as bail, and their names were taken by Mr.
+Parris. The buyer that most raised my curiosity was one of Mr. Watts'
+sons, who came in and bought seven copies, putting down only trade-price
+on the counter; no one is supplied at trade-price unless he buys to sell
+again, and we have all been wondering why Mr. Watts should intend to sell
+the Knowlton pamphlet, after he has proclaimed it to be obscene and
+indecent. At six o'clock the shutters were put up, and we gave up our
+amateur shop-keeping; our general time for closing on Saturday is 2 p.m.,
+but we kept the shop open on Saturday for the special purpose of selling
+the Knowlton pamphlet. We sold about 800 copies, besides sending out a
+large number of country parcels, so that if the police now amuse
+themselves in seizing the work, they will entirely have failed in
+stopping its circulation. The pamphlet, during the present week, will
+have been sold over England and Scotland, and the only effect of the
+foolish police interference will be to have sold a large edition. We must
+add one word of thanks to them for the kindly aid given us by their
+gratuitous advertisement."
+
+[I may note here, in passing, that we printed our edition verbatim from
+that issued by James Watson, not knowing that various editions were in
+circulation. It was thereupon stated by Mr. Watts that we had not
+reprinted the pamphlet for which he was prosecuted, so we at once issued
+another edition, printed from his own version.]
+
+The help that flowed in to us from all sides was startling both in
+quantity and quality; a Defence Committee was quickly formed, consisting
+of the following persons:
+
+"C.R. Drysdale, M.D., Miss Vickery, H.R.S. Dalton, B.A., W.J. Birch,
+M.A., J. Swaagman, Mrs. Swaagman, P.A.V. Le Lubez, Mdme. Le Lubez, Miss
+Bradlaugh, Miss H. Bradlaugh, Mrs. Parris, T. Allsop, E. Truelove, Mark
+E. Marsden, F.A. Ford, Mrs. Fenwick Miller, G.N. Strawbridge, W.W.
+Wright, Mrs. Rennick, Mrs. Lowe, W. Bell, Thomas Slater, G. F. Forster,
+J. Scott, G. Priestley, J.W. White, J. Hart, H. Brooksbank, Mrs.
+Brooksbank, G. Middleton, J. Child, Ben. W. Elmy, Elizabeth Wolstenholme
+Elmy, Touzeau Parris (Hon. Sec.), Captain R.H. Dyas, Thomas Roy
+(President of the Scottish Secular Union), R.A. Cooper, Robert Forder,
+William Wayham, Mrs. Elizabeth Wayham, Professor Emile Acollas (ancien
+Professeur de Droit Francais a l'Universite de Berne), W. Reynolds, C.
+Herbert, J.F. Haines, H. Rogers (President of the Trunk and Portmanteau
+Makers' Trade Society), Yves Guyot (Redacteur en chef du _Radical_ et du
+_Bien Public),_ W.J. Ramsey, J. Wilks, Mrs. Wilks, J.E. Symes, E. Martin,
+W.E. Adams, Mrs. Adams, John Bryson (President of the Northumberland
+Miners' Mutual Confident Association), Ralph Young, J. Grout, Mrs. Grout,
+General Cluseret, A. Talandier (Member of the Chamber of Deputies), J.
+Baxter Langley, LL.D., M.R.C.S., F.L.S."
+
+Mrs. Fenwick Miller's letter of adhesion is worthy republication; it puts
+so tersely the real position:
+
+"59, Francis Terrace. Victoria Park.
+"March 31st.
+
+"My dear Mrs. Besant,--I feel myself privileged in having the opportunity
+of expressing both to you and to the public, by giving you my small aid
+to your defence, how much I admire the noble position taken up by Mr.
+Bradlaugh and yourself upon this attempt to suppress free discussion, and
+to keep the people in enforced ignorance upon the most important of
+subjects. It is shameful that you should have to do it through the
+cowardice of the less important person who might have made himself a hero
+by doing as you now do, but was too weak for his opportunities. Since you
+have had to do it, however, accept the assurance of my warm sympathy, and
+my readiness to aid in any way within my power in your fight. Please add
+my name to your Committee. You will find a little cheque within: I wish I
+had fifty times as much to give.
+
+"Under other circumstances, the pamphlet might well have been withdrawn
+from circulation, since its physiology its obsolete, and consequently its
+practical deductions to some extent unsound. But it must be everywhere
+comprehended that _this is not the point_. The book would have been
+equally attacked had its physiology been new and sound; the prosecution
+is against the right to issue a work upon the special subject, and
+against the freedom of the press and individual liberty.--Believe me,
+yours very faithfully,
+
+R. FENWICK MILLER."
+
+Among the many received were letters of encouragement from General
+Garibaldi, M. Talandier, Professor Emile Acollas, and the Rev. S.D.
+Headlam.
+
+As we did not care to be hunted about London by the police, we offered to
+be at Stonecutter Street daily from 10 to 11 a.m. until we were arrested,
+and our offer was readily accepted. Friends who were ready to act as bail
+came forward in large numbers, and we arranged with some of them that
+they should be within easy access in case of need. There was a little
+delay in issuing the warrants for our arrest. A deputation from the
+Christian Evidence Society waited on Mr. (now Sir Richard) Cross, to ask
+that the Government should prosecute us, and he acceded to their request.
+The warrants were issued on April 3rd, and were executed on April 5th.
+The story of the arrest I take from my own article in the _National
+Reformer,_ premising that we had been told that "the warrants were in the
+hands of Simmons".
+
+"Thursday morning found us again on our way to Stonecutter Street, and as
+we turned into it we were aware of three gentlemen regarding us
+affectionately from beneath the shelter of a ladder on the off-side of
+Farringdon Street. 'That's Simmons,' quoth Mr. Bradlaugh, as we went in,
+and I shook my head solemnly, regarding 'Simmons' as the unsubstantial
+shadow of a dream. But as the two Misses Bradlaugh and myself reached the
+room above the shop, a gay--'I told you so', from Mr. Bradlaugh
+downstairs, announced a visit, and in another moment Mr. Bradlaugh came
+up, followed by the three unknown. 'You know what we have come for,' said
+the one in front; and no one disputed his assertion. Detective-Sergeant
+R. Outram was the head officer, and he produced his warrant at Mr.
+Bradlaugh's request; he was accompanied by two detective officers,
+Messrs. Simmons and Williams. He was armed also with a search warrant, a
+most useful document, seeing that the last copy of the edition (of 5,000
+copies) had been sold on the morning of the previous day, and a high pile
+of orders was accumulating downstairs, orders which we were unable to
+fulfil. Mr. Bradlaugh told him, with a twinkle in his eye, that he was
+too late, but offered him every facility for searching. A large packet of
+'Text Books'--left for that purpose by Norrish, if the truth were known--
+whose covers were the same color as those of the 'Fruits', attracted Mr.
+Outram's attention, and he took off some of the brown paper wrapper, but
+found the goods unseizable. He took one copy of the 'Cause of Woman', by
+Ben Elmy, and wandered up and down the house seeking for goods to devour,
+but found nothing to reward him for his energy. Meanwhile we wrote a few
+telegrams and a note or two, and after about half-an-hour's delay, we
+started for the police-station in Bridewell Place, arriving there at
+10.25. The officers, who showed us every courtesy and kindness consistent
+with the due execution of their duty, allowed Mr. Bradlaugh and myself to
+walk on in front, and they followed us across the roar of Fleet Street,
+down past Ludgate Hill Station, to the Police Office. Here we passed into
+a fair-sized room, and were requested to go into a funny iron-barred
+place; it was a large oval railed in, with a brightly polished iron bar
+running round it, the door closing with a snap. Here we stood while two
+officers in uniform got out their books; one of these reminded Mr.
+Bradlaugh of his late visits there, remarking that he supposed the
+'gentleman you were so kind to will do you the same good turn now'. Mr.
+Bradlaugh dryly replied that he didn't think so, accepting service and
+giving it were two very different things. Our examination then began;
+names, ages, abodes, birth-places, number of children, color of hair and
+eyes, were all duly enrolled; then we were measured, and our heights put
+down; next we delivered up watches, purses, letters, keys--in fact
+emptied our pockets; then I was walked off by the housekeeper into a
+neighboring cell and searched--a surely most needless proceeding; it
+strikes me this is an unnecessary indignity to which to subject an
+uncondemned prisoner, except in cases of theft, where stolen property
+might be concealed about the person. It is extremely unpleasant to be
+handled, and on such a charge as that against myself a search was an
+absurdity. The woman was as civil as she could be, but, as she fairly
+enough said, she had no option in the matter. After this, I went back to
+the room and rejoined my fellow prisoner and we chatted peaceably with
+our guardians; they quite recognised our object in our proceedings, and
+one gave it as his opinion that we ought to have been summoned, and not
+taken by warrant. Taken, however, we clearly were, and we presently drove
+on to Guildhall, Mr. Outram in the cab with us, and Mr. Williams on the
+box.
+
+"At Guildhall, we passed straight into the court, through the dock, and
+down the stairs. Here Mr. Outram delivered us over to the gaoler, and the
+most uncomfortable part of our experiences began. Below the court are a
+number of cells, stone floored and whitewashed walled; instead of doors
+there are heavy iron gates, covered with thick close grating; the
+passages are divided here and there with similar strong iron gates, only
+some of which are grated. The rules of the place of course divided the
+sexes, so Mr. Bradlaugh and myself were not allowed to occupy the same
+cell; the gaoler, however, did the best he could for us, by allowing me
+to remain in a section of the passage which separated the men's from the
+women's cells, and by putting Mr. Bradlaugh into the first of the men's.
+Then, by opening a little window in the thick wall, a grating was
+discovered, through which we could dimly see each other. Mr. Bradlaugh's
+face, as seen from my side, scored all over with the little oblong holes
+in the grating reflected by the dull glimmer of the gas in the passage,
+was curious rather than handsome; mine was, probably, not more
+attractive. In this charming place we passed two hours-and-a-half, and it
+was very dull and very cold. We solaced ourselves, at first, by reading
+the _Secular Review_, Mr. Bradlaugh tearing it into pages, and passing
+them one by one through the grating. By pushing on his side and pulling
+on mine, we managed to get them through the narrow holes. Our position
+when we read them was a strange satire on one article (which I read with
+great pain), which expressed the writer's opinion that the book was so
+altered as not to be worth prosecuting. Neither the police nor the
+magistrate recognised any difference between the two editions. As I knew
+the second edition, taken from Mr. Watts', was almost ready for delivery
+as I read, I could not help smiling at the idea that no one 'had the
+courage' to reprint it.
+
+"Mr. Bradlaugh paced up and down his limited kingdom, and after I had
+finished correcting an _N.R._, I sometimes walked and sometimes sat, and
+we chatted over future proceedings, and growled at our long detention,
+and listened to names of prisoners being called, until we were at last
+summoned to 'go up higher', and we joyfully obeyed. It was a strange sort
+of place to stand in, the dock of a police-court the position struck one
+as really funny, and everyone who looked at us seemed to feel the same
+incongruity: officials, chief clerk, magistrate, all were equally polite,
+and Mr. Bradlaugh seemed to get his own way from the dock as much as
+everywhere else. The sitting magistrate was Alderman Figgins, a nice,
+kindly old gentleman, robed in marvellous, but not uncomely, garments of
+black velvet, purple, and dark fur. Below the magistrate, on either hand,
+sat a gentleman writing, one of whom was Mr. Martin, the chief clerk, who
+took the purely formal evidence required to justify the arrest. The
+reporters all sat at the right, and Mr. Touzeau Parris shared their
+bench, sitting on the corner nearest us. Just behind him Mr. Outram had
+kindly found seats for the two Misses Bradlaugh, who surveyed us
+placidly, and would, I am sure, had their duty called them to do so, have
+gladly and willingly changed places with us. The back of the court was
+filled with kindly faces, and many bright smiles greeted us; among the
+people were those who so readily volunteered their aid, those described
+by an official as 'a regular waggon-load of bail'. Their presence there
+was a most useful little demonstration of support, and the telegrams that
+kept dropping in also had their effect. 'Another of your friends, Mr.
+Bradlaugh,' quoth the chief clerk, as the fourth was handed to him, and I
+hear that the little buff envelopes continued to arrive all the
+afternoon. I need not here detail what happened in the court, as a full
+report by a shorthand writer appears in another part of the paper, and I
+only relate odds and ends. It amused me to see the broad grin which ran
+round when the detective was asked whether he had executed the seizure
+warrant, and he answered sadly that there was 'nothing to seize'. When
+bail was called for, Dr. Drysdale, Messrs. Swaagman, Truelove, and Bell
+were the first summoned, and no objections being raised to them, nor
+further securities asked for, these four gentlemen were all that were
+needed. We were then solemnly and severally informed that we were bound
+over in our own recognizances of L200 each to appear on Tuesday, April
+17th, at eleven o'clock in the forenoon, to answer, etc., etc., etc., to
+which adjuration I only replied by a polite little bow. After all this we
+passed into a small room at one side, and there waited till divers papers
+were delivered unto us, and we were told to depart in peace. A number of
+people had gathered outside and cheered us warmly as we came out, one
+voice calling: 'Bravo! there's some of the old English spirit left yet'.
+Being very hungry (it was nearly three o'clock), we went off to luncheon,
+very glad that the warrant was no longer hanging over our heads, and on
+our way home we bought a paper announcing our arrest. The evening papers
+all contained reports of the proceedings, as did also the papers of the
+following morning. I have seen the _Globe, Standard, Daily News, Times,
+Echo, Daily Telegraph_, and they all give perfectly fair reports of what
+took place. It is pleasant that they all seem to recognise that our
+reason for acting as we have done is a fair and honorable desire to test
+the right of publication."
+
+
+
+XV.
+
+
+The preliminary investigation before the magistrates at Guildhall duly
+came on upon April 17th, the prosecution being conducted by Mr. Douglas
+Straight and Mr. F. Mead. The case was put by Mr. Straight with extreme
+care and courtesy, the learned counsel stating, "I cannot conceal from
+myself, or from those who instruct me, that everything has been done in
+accordance with fairness and _bona fides_ on the part of Mr. Bradlaugh
+and the lady sitting by the side of him". Mr. Straight contended that the
+good intentions of a publisher could not be taken as proving that a book
+was not indictable, and laid stress on the cheapness of the work, "the
+price charged is so little as sixpence". Mr. Bradlaugh proved that there
+was no physiological statement in Knowlton, which was not given in far
+fuller detail in standard works on physiology, quoting Carpenter, Dalton,
+Acton, and others; he showed that Malthus, Professor Fawcett, Mrs.
+Fawcett, and others, advocated voluntary limitation of the family,
+establishing his positions by innumerable quotations. A number of eminent
+men were in Court, subpoenaed to prove their own works, and I find on
+them the following note, written by myself at the time:--
+
+"We necessarily put some of our medical and publishing witnesses to great
+inconvenience in summoning them into court, but those who were really
+most injured were the most courteous. Mr. Truebner, although suffering
+from a painful illness, and although, we had expressed our willingness to
+accept in his stead some member of his staff, was present, kindly and
+pleasant as usual. Dr. Power, a most courteous gentleman, called away
+from an examination of some 180 young men, never thought of asking that
+he should be relieved from the citizen's duty, but only privately asked
+to be released as soon as possible. Dr. Parker was equally worthy of the
+noble profession to which he belonged, and said he did not want to stay
+longer than he need, but would be willing to return whenever wanted.
+Needless to say that Dr. Drysdale was there, ready to do his duty. Dr.
+W.B. Carpenter was a strange contrast to these; he was rough and
+discourteous in manner, and rudely said that he was not responsible for
+'Human Physiology, by Dr. Carpenter', as his responsibility had ceased
+with the fifth edition. It seems a strange thing that a man of eminence,
+presumably a man of honor, should disavow all responsibility for a book
+which bears his name as author on the title-page. Clearly, if the 'Human
+Physiology' is not Dr. Carpenter's, the public is grossly deceived by the
+pretence that it is, and if, as Dr. Carpenter says, the whole
+responsibility rests on Dr. Power, then that gentleman should have the
+whole credit of that very useful book. It is not right that Dr. Carpenter
+should have all the glory and Dr. Power all the annoyance resulting from
+the work."
+
+Among all the men we came into contact with during the trial, Dr.
+Carpenter and Professor Fawcett were the only two who shrank from
+endorsing their own written statements.
+
+The presiding magistrate, Mr. Alderman Figgins, devoted himself gallantly
+to the unwonted task of wading through physiological text books, the poor
+old gentleman's hair sometimes standing nearly on end, and his composure
+being sadly ruffled when he found that Dr. Carpenter's florid treatise,
+with numerous illustrations of a, to him, startling character, was given
+to young boys and girls as a prize in Government examinations. He
+compared Knowlton with the work of Dr. Acton's submitted to him, and said
+despondingly that one was just the same as the other. At the end of the
+day the effect made on him by the defence was shown by his letting us go
+free without bail. Mr. Bradlaugh finished his defence at the next hearing
+of the case on April 19th, and his concluding remarks, showing the
+position we took, may well find their place here:
+
+"The object of this book is to circulate amongst the masses of the poor
+and wretched (as far as my power will circulate it), and to seek to
+produce in their minds such prudential views on the subject of population
+as shall at least hinder some of the horrors to be witnessed amongst the
+starving. I have not put you to the trouble of hearing proof--even if I
+were, in this court, permitted to do so--of facts on the Population
+Question, because the learned counsel for the prosecution, with the
+frankness which characterises this prosecution, admitted there was the
+tendency on the part of animated nature to increase until checked by the
+absence or deficiency of the means of subsistence. This being so, some
+checks must step in; these checks must be either positive or preventive
+and prudential. What are positive checks? The learned counsel has told
+you what they are. They are war, disease, misery, starvation. They are in
+China--to take a striking instance--accompanied by habits so revolting
+that I cannot now allude to them. See the numbers of miserable starving
+children in the great cities and centres of population. Is it right to go
+to these people and say, 'bring into the world children who cannot live',
+who all their lives are prevented by the poverty-smitten frames of their
+parents, and by their own squalid surroundings, from enjoying almost
+every benefit of the life thrust on them! who inherit the diseases and
+adopt the crimes which poverty and misery have provided for them? The
+very medical works I have put in in this case show how true this is in
+too many cases, and if you read the words of Dr. Acton, crime is
+sometimes involved of a terrible nature which the human tongue governed
+by training shrinks from describing. We justly or erroneously believe
+that we are doing our duty in putting this information in the hands of
+the people, and we contest this case with no kind of bravado; the penalty
+we already have to pay is severe enough, for even while we are defending
+this, some portion of the public press is using words of terrorism
+against the witnesses to be called, and is describing myself and my
+co-defendant in a fashion that I feel sure will find no sanction here,
+and that I hope will never occur again. We contest this because the
+advocacy of such views on population has been familiar to me for many
+years. The _Public Journal of Health_, edited by Dr. Hardwicke, the
+coroner for Central Middlesex, will show you that in 1868 I was known, in
+relation to this question, to men high in position in the land as
+original thinkers and political economists; that the late John Stuart
+Mill has left behind him, in his Autobiography, testimony concerning me
+on this subject, according unqualified praise to me for the views thereon
+which I had labored to disseminate; and that Lord Amberley thanked me, in
+a society of which we were then both associates, for having achieved what
+I had in bringing these principles to the knowledge of the poorer classes
+of the people. With taxation on every hand extending, with the cost of
+living increasing, and with wages declining--and, as to the last element,
+I am reminded that recently I was called upon to arbitrate in a wages'
+dispute in the north of England for a number of poor men, and, having
+minutely scrutinised every side of the situation, was compelled to reduce
+their wages by 15 per cent., there having been already a reduction of 35
+per cent, in the short space of some twenty months previously--I say,
+with wages declining, with the necessaries of life growing dearer and
+still dearer, and with the burden of rent and taxation ever increasing--
+if, in the presence of such a condition of life among the vast industrial
+and impoverished masses of this land, I am not to be allowed to tell them
+how best to prevent or to ameliorate the wretchedness of their lot--if,
+with all this, I may not speak to them of the true remedy, but the law is
+to step in and say to me, 'Your mouth is closed'; then, I ask you, what
+remedy is there remaining by which I am to deal with this awful misery?"
+
+The worthy magistrate duly committed us for trial, accepting our own
+recognizances in L200 each to appear at the Central Criminal Court on May
+7th. To the Central Criminal Court, however, we had not the smallest
+intention of going, if we could possibly avoid it, so Mr. Bradlaugh
+immediately took steps to obtain a writ of _certiorari_ to remove the
+indictment to the Court of Queen's Bench. On April 27th Mr. Bradlaugh
+moved for the writ before Lord Chief Justice Cockburn and Mr. Justice
+Mellor, and soon after he began his argument the judge stopped him,
+saying that he would grant the writ if, "upon, looking at it we think its
+object is the legitimate one of promoting knowledge on a matter of human
+interest, then, lest there should be any miscarriage resulting from any
+undue prejudice, we might think it is a case for trial by a judge and a
+special jury. I do not say it is so, mark, but only put it so, that if,
+on the other hand, science and philosophy are merely made the pretence of
+publishing a book which is calculated to arouse the passions of those who
+peruse it, then it follows that we must not allow the pretence to
+prevail, and treat the case otherwise than as one which may come before
+anybody to try. If we really think it is a fair question as to whether it
+is a scientific work or not, and its object is a just one, then we should
+be disposed to accede to your application, and allow it to be tried by a
+judge and special jury, and for that purpose allow the proceedings to be
+removed into this court. But, before we decide that, we must look into
+the book and form our own judgment as to the real object of the work."
+
+Two copies of the book were at once handed up to the Bench, and on April
+30th the Court granted the writ, the Lord Chief Justice saying: "We have
+looked at the book which is the subject-matter of the indictment, and we
+think it really raises a fair question as to whether it is a scientific
+production for legitimate purposes, or whether it is what the indictment
+alleged it to be, an obscene publication." Further, the Court accepted
+Mr. Bradlaugh's recognisances for L400 for the costs of the prosecution.
+
+Some, who have never read the Knowlton pamphlet, glibly denounce it as a
+filthy and obscene publication. The Lord Chief Justice of England and Mr.
+Justice Mellor, after reading it, decided to grant a writ which they had
+determined not to grant if the book had merely a veneer of science and
+was "calculated to arouse the passions". Christian bigotry has ever since
+1877 striven to confound our action with the action of men who sell filth
+for gain, but only the shameless can persist in so doing when their
+falsehoods are plainly exposed, as they are exposed here.
+
+The most touching letters from the poor came to us from all parts of the
+kingdom. One woman, who described herself as "very poor", and who had had
+thirteen children and was expecting another, wrote saying, "if you want
+money we will manage to send you my husband's pay one week". An army
+officer wrote thanking us, saying he had "a wife, seven children, and
+three servants to keep on 11s. 8d. a day; 5d. per head per diem keeps
+life in us. The rest for education and raiment." A physician wrote of his
+hospital experience, saying that it taught him that "less dangerous
+preventive checks to large families [than over-lactation] should be
+taught to the lower classes". Many clergymen wrote of their experience
+among the poor, and their joy that some attempt was being made to teach
+them how to avoid over-large families, and letter after letter came to me
+from poor curates' wives, thanking me for daring to publish information
+of such vital importance. In many places the poor people taxed themselves
+so much a week for the cost of the defence, because they could not afford
+any large sum at once.
+
+As soon as we were committed for trial, we resigned our posts on the
+Executive of the National Secular Society, feeling that we had no right
+to entangle the Society in a fight which it had not authorised us to
+carry on. We stated that we did not desire to relinquish our positions,
+"but we do desire that the members of the Executive shall feel free to
+act as they think wisest for the interest of Freethought". The letter was
+sent to the branches of the Society, and of the thirty-three who answered
+all, except Burnley and Nottingham, refused to accept our resignation. On
+the Executive a very clever attempt was made to place us in a difficult
+position by stating that the resignations were not accepted, but that, as
+we had resigned, and as the Council had no power to renew appointments
+made by the Conference, it could not invite us to resume our offices.
+This ingenious proposal was made by Mr. George Jacob Holyoake, who all
+through the trial did his best to injure us, apparently because he had
+himself sold the book long before we had done so, and was anxious to
+shield himself from condemnation by attacking us. His resolution was
+carried by five votes to two. Mr. Haines and Mr. Ramsey, detecting its
+maliciousness, voted against it. The votes of the Branches, of course,
+decided the question overwhelmingly in our favor, but we declined to sit
+on the Executive with such a resolution standing, and it was then
+carried--Mr. Holyoake and Mr. Watts only voting against--that "This
+Council acknowledge the consideration shown by Mr. Bradlaugh and Mrs.
+Besant for the public repute of the National Secular Society by tendering
+their resignations, and whilst disclaiming all responsibility for the
+book, 'Fruits of Philosophy', decline to accept such resignations". So
+thoroughly did we agree that the Society ought not to be held responsible
+for our action, that we published the statement: "The Freethought party
+is no more the endorser of our Malthusianism than it is of our
+Republicanism, or of our advocacy of Woman Suffrage, or of our support of
+the North in America, or of the part we take in French politics". I may
+add that at the Nottingham Conference Mr. Bradlaugh was re-elected
+President with only four dissentients, the party being practically
+unanimous in its determination to uphold a Free Press.
+
+The next stage of the prosecution was the seizure of our book packets and
+letters in the Post-office by the Tory Government. The "Freethinker's
+Text Book", the _National Reformer_, and various pamphlets were seized,
+as well as the "Fruits of Philosophy", and sealed letters were opened.
+Many meetings were held denouncing the revival of a system of Government
+_espionage_ which, it was supposed, had died out in England, and so great
+was the commotion raised that a stop was soon put to this form of
+Government theft, and we recovered the stolen property. On May 15th Mr.
+Edward Truelove was attacked for the publication of Robert Dale Owen's
+"Moral Physiology", and of a pamphlet entitled "Individual, Family, and
+National Poverty", and as both were pamphlets dealing with the Population
+Question, Mr. Truelove's case was included in the general defence.
+
+Among the witnesses we desired to subpoena was Charles Darwin, as we
+needed to use passages from his works; he wrote back a most interesting
+letter, telling us that he disagreed with preventive checks to population
+on the ground that over-multiplication was useful, since it caused a
+struggle for existence in which only the strongest and the ablest
+survived, and that he doubted whether it was possible for preventive
+checks to serve as well as positive. He asked us to avoid calling him if
+we could: "I have been for many years much out of health, and have been
+forced to give up all society or public meetings, and it would be great
+suffering to me to be a witness in court.... If it is not asking too
+great a favor, I should be greatly obliged if you would inform me what
+you decide, as apprehension of the coming exertion would prevent the rest
+which I require doing me much good." Needless to add that I at once wrote
+to Mr. Darwin that we would not call him, but his gentle courtesy has
+always remained a pleasant memory to me. Another kind act was that of the
+famous publisher, Mr. H.G. Bohn, who volunteered himself as a witness,
+and drew attention to the fact that every publisher of serious literature
+was imperilled by the attempt to establish a police censorship.
+
+The trial commenced on June 18th, in the Court of Queen's Bench at
+Westminster, before the Lord Chief Justice of England and a special jury.
+Sir Hardinge Giffard, the Solicitor-General of the Tory Government, Mr.
+Douglas Straight, and Mr. Mead, were the prosecuting counsel. The special
+jury consisted of the following: Alfred Upward, Augustus Voelcker,
+Captain Alfred Henry Waldy, Thomas Richard Walker, Robert Wallace, Edmund
+Waller, Arthur Walter, Charles Alfred Walter, John Ward, Arthur Warre;
+the two talesmen, who were afterwards added to make up the number, were
+George Skinner and Charles Wilson.
+
+The Solicitor-General made a bitter and violent speech, full of party
+hate and malice, endeavoring to prejudice the jury against the work by
+picking out bits of medical detail and making profuse apologies for
+reading them, and shuddering and casting up his eyes with all the skill
+of a finished actor. For a man accustomed to Old Bailey practice he was
+really marvellously easily shocked; a simple physiological fact brought
+him to the verge of tears, while the statement that people often had too
+large families covered him with such modest confusion that he found it
+hard to continue his address. It fell to my lot to open the defence, and
+to put the general line of argument by which we justified the
+publication; Mr. Bradlaugh dealt with the defence of the book as a
+medical work--until the Lord Chief Justice suggested that there was no
+"redundancy of details, or anything more than it is necessary for a
+medical man to know"--and strongly urged that the knowledge given by the
+pamphlet was absolutely necessary for the poor. We called as witnesses
+for the defence Miss Alice Vickery--the first lady who passed the
+examination of the Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain, and who has
+since passed the examinations qualifying her to act as a physician--Dr.
+Charles Drysdale, and Mr. H.G. Bohn. Dr. Drysdale bore witness to the
+medical value of the pamphlet, stating that "considering it was written
+forty years ago ... the writer must have been a profound student of
+physiology, and far advanced in the medical science of his time". "I have
+always considered it an excellent treatise, and I have found among my
+professional brethren that they have had nothing to say against it." Mr.
+Bohn bore witness that he had published books which "entirely covered
+your book, and gave a great deal more." Mr. Bradlaugh and myself then
+severally summed up our case, and the Solicitor-General made a speech for
+the prosecution very much of the character of his first one, doing all he
+could to inflame the minds of the jury against us. The Lord Chief
+Justice, to quote a morning paper, "summed up strongly for an acquittal".
+He said that "a more ill-advised and more injudicious proceeding in the
+way of a prosecution was probably never brought into a Court of Justice".
+He described us as "two enthusiasts, who have been actuated by the desire
+to do good in a particular department of Society". He bade the jury be
+careful "not to abridge the full and free right of public discussion, and
+the expression of public and private opinion on matters which are
+interesting to all, and materially affect the welfare of society." Then
+came an admirable statement of the law of population, and of his own view
+of the scope of the book which I present in full as our best
+justification.
+
+"The author, Doctor Knowlton, professes to deal with the subject of
+population. Now, a century ago a great and important question of
+political economy was brought to the attention of the scientific and
+thinking world by a man whose name everybody is acquainted with, namely,
+Malthus. He started for the first time a theory which astonished the
+world, though it is now accepted as an irrefragable truth, and has since
+been adopted by economist after economist. It is that population has a
+strong and marked tendency to increase faster than the means of
+subsistence afforded by the earth, or that the skill and industry of man
+can produce for the support of life. The consequence is that the
+population of a country necessarily includes a vast number of persons
+upon whom poverty presses with a heavy and sad hand. It is true that the
+effects of over-population are checked to a certain extent by those
+powerful agencies which have been at work since the beginning of the
+world. Great pestilences, famines, and wars have constantly swept away
+thousands from the face of the earth, who otherwise must have contributed
+to swell the numbers of mankind. The effect, however, of this tendency to
+increase faster than the means of subsistence, leads to still more
+serious evils amongst the poorer classes of society. It necessarily
+lowers the price of labor by reason of the supply exceeding the demand.
+It increases the dearth of provisions by making the demand greater than
+the supply, and produces direful consequences to a large class of persons
+who labor under the evils, physical and moral, of poverty. You find it,
+as described by a witness called yesterday, in the overcrowding of our
+cities and country villages, and the necessarily demoralising effects
+resulting from that over-crowding. You have heard of the way in which
+women--I mean child-bearing women--are destroyed by being obliged to
+submit to the necessities of their position before they are fully
+restored from the effects of child-birth, and the effects thus produced
+upon the children by disease and early death. That these are evils--evils
+which, if they could be prevented, it would be the first business of
+human charity to prevent--there cannot be any doubt. That the evils of
+over-population are real, and not imaginary, no one acquainted with the
+state of society in the present day can possibly deny. Malthus suggested,
+years ago, and his suggestion has been supported by economists since his
+time, that the only possible way of keeping down population was by
+retarding marriage to as late a period as possible, the argument being
+that the fewer the marriages the fewer would be the people. But another
+class of theorists say that that remedy is bad, and possibly worse than
+the disease, because, although you might delay marriage, you cannot
+restrain those instincts which are implanted in human nature, and people
+will have the gratification and satisfaction of passions powerfully
+implanted, if not in one way, in some other way. So you have the evils of
+prostitution substituted for the evils of over-population. Now, what says
+Dr. Knowlton? There being this choice of evils--there being this
+unquestioned evil of over-population which exists in a great part of the
+civilised world--is the remedy proposed by Malthus so doubtful that
+probably it would lead to greater evils than the one which it is intended
+to remedy? Dr. Knowlton suggests--and here we come to the critical point
+of this inquiry--he suggests that, instead of marriage being postponed,
+it shall be hastened. He suggests that marriage shall take place in the
+hey-day of life, when the passions are at their highest, and that the
+evils of over-population shall be remedied by persons, after they have
+married, having recourse to artificial means to prevent the procreation
+of a numerous offspring, and the consequent evils, especially to the
+poorer classes, which the production of a too numerous offspring is
+certain to bring about. Now, gentlemen, that is the scope of the book.
+With a view to make those to whom these remedies are suggested
+understand, appreciate, and be capable of applying them, he enters into
+details as to the physiological circumstances connected with the
+procreation of the species. The Solicitor-General says--and that was the
+first proposition with which he started--that the whole of this is a
+delusion and a sham. When Knowlton says that he wishes that marriage
+should take place as early as possible--marriage being the most sacred
+and holy of all human relations--he means nothing of the kind, but means
+and suggests, in the sacred name of marriage, illicit intercourse between
+the sexes, or a kind of prostitution. Now, gentlemen, whatever may be
+your opinion about the propositions contained in this work, when you come
+to weigh carefully the views of this undoubted physician and would-be
+philosopher, I think you will agree with me that to say that he meant to
+depreciate marriage for the sake of prostitution, and that all he says
+about marriage is only a disguise, and intended to impress upon the mind
+sentiments of an entirely different character for the gratification of
+passion, otherwise than by marriage, is a most unjust accusation.
+(Applause in court.) I must say that I believe that every word he says
+about marriage being a desirable institution, and every word he says with
+reference to the enjoyments and happiness it engenders, is said as
+honestly and truly as anything probably ever uttered by any man. I can
+only believe that when the Solicitor-General made that statement he had
+not half studied the book. But I pass that by. I come to the plain issue
+before you. Knowlton goes into physiological details connected with the
+functions of the generation and procreation of children. The principles
+of this pamphlet, with its details, are to be found in greater abundance
+and distinctness in numerous works to which your attention has been
+directed, and, having these details before you, you must judge for
+yourselves whether there is anything in them which is calculated to
+excite the passions of man and debase the public morals. If so, every
+medical work is open to the same imputation."
+
+The Lord Chief Justice then dealt with the question whether conjugal
+prudence was in itself immoral, and pointed out to the jury that the
+decision of this very serious question was in their hands:
+
+"A man and woman may say, 'We have more children than we can supply with
+the common necessaries of life: what are we to do? Let us have recourse
+to this contrivance.' Then, gentlemen, you should consider whether that
+particular course of proceeding is inconsistent with morality, whether it
+would have a tendency to degrade and deprave the man or woman. The
+Solicitor-General, while doubtless admitting the evils and mischiefs of
+excessive population, argues that the checks proposed are demoralising in
+their effects, and that it is better to bear the ills we have than have
+recourse to remedies having such demoralising results. These are
+questions for you, twelve thinking men, probably husbands and fathers of
+families, to consider and determine. That the defendants honestly believe
+that the evils that this work would remedy, arising from over-population
+and poverty, are so great that these checks may be resorted to as a
+remedy for the evils, and as bettering the condition of humanity,
+although there might be things to be avoided, if it were possible to
+avoid them, and yet remedy the evils which they are to prevent--that such
+is the honest opinion of the defendants, we, who have read the book, and
+who have heard what they have said, must do them the justice of
+believing. I agree with the Solicitor-General if, with a view to what is
+admitted to be a great good, they propose something to the world, and
+circulate it especially among the poorer classes, if they propose
+something inconsistent with public morals, and tending to destroy the
+domestic purity of women, that it is not because they do not see the
+evils of the latter, while they see the evils of the former, that they
+must escape; if so, they must abide the consequences of their actions,
+whatever may have been their motive. They say, 'We are entitled to submit
+to the consideration of the thinking portion of mankind the remedies
+which we propose for these evils. We have come forward to challenge the
+inquiry whether this is a book which we are entitled to publish.' They do
+it fairly, I must say, and in a very straightforward manner they come to
+demand the judgment of the proper tribunal. You must decide that with a
+due regard and reference to the law, and with an honest and determined
+desire to maintain the morals of mankind. But, on the other hand, you
+must carefully consider what is due to public discussion, and with an
+anxious desire not, from any prejudiced view of this subject, to stifle
+what may be a subject of legitimate inquiry. But there is another view of
+this subject, that Knowlton intended to reconcile with marriage the
+prevention of over-population. Upon the perusal of this work, I cannot
+bring myself to doubt that he honestly believed that the remedies he
+proposed were less evils than even celibacy or over-population on the one
+hand, or the prevention of marriage on the other hand--in that honesty of
+intention I entirely concur. But whether, in his desire to reconcile
+marriage with a check on over-population, he did not overlook one very
+important consideration connected with that part of society which should
+abuse it, is another and a very serious consideration."
+
+When the jury retired there was but one opinion in court, namely, that
+we had won our case. But they were absent for an hour and thirty-five
+minutes, and we learned afterwards that several were anxious to convict,
+not so much because of the book as because we were Freethinkers. At last
+they agreed to a compromise, and the verdict delivered was: "We are
+unanimously of opinion that the book in question is calculated to deprave
+public morals, but at the same time we entirely exonerate the defendants
+from any corrupt motives in publishing it."
+
+The Lord Chief Justice looked troubled, and said gravely that he would
+have to direct them to return a verdict of guilty on such a finding. The
+foreman, who was bitterly hostile, jumped at the chance without
+consulting his colleagues, some of whom had turned to leave the box, and
+thus snatched a technical verdict of "guilty" against us. Mr. George
+Skinner, of 27, Great Chapel Gate, Westminster, wrote to me on the
+following day to say that six of the jurymen did not consent to the
+verdict of "guilty", and that they had agreed that if the judge would not
+accept the verdict as handed in they would then retire again, and that
+they would never have given a verdict of guilty; but the stupid men had
+not the sense to speak out at the right time, and their foreman had his
+way. The Lord Chief Justice at once set us free to come up for judgment
+on that day week, June 28th--the trial had lasted till the 21st--and we
+went away on the same recognizances given before by Mr. Bradlaugh, an
+absolutely unprecedented courtesy to two technically "convicted
+prisoners".[1]
+
+[Footnote 1: A Report of the Trial can be obtained from the Freethought
+Publishing Company, price 5s. It contains an exact report of all that was
+said and done.]
+
+
+
+XVI.
+
+
+The week which intervened between the verdict of the jury and the day on
+which we were ordered to appear in Court to receive sentence was spent by
+us in arranging all our affairs, and putting everything in train for our
+anticipated absence. One serious question had to be settled, but it did
+not need long consideration. What were we to do about the Knowlton
+pamphlet? We promptly decided to ignore the verdict and to continue the
+sale. Recognising that the fact of this continued sale would be brought
+up against us in Court and would probably seriously increase our
+sentence, we none the less considered that as we had commenced the fight
+we were bound to maintain it, and we went on with the sale as before.
+
+On June 28th we attended the Court of Queen's Bench to receive judgment,
+the Lord Chief Justice and Mr. Justice Mellor being on the Bench. We
+moved to quash the indictment, on arrest of judgment, and for a new
+trial, the first on the ground that the indictment did not set out the
+words complained of. The judges were against us on this, but it is
+interesting to note that the Lord Chief Justice remarked that "the
+language of the book is not open to any particular objection". I argued
+that the jury, having exonerated us from any corrupt motive, could not be
+regarded as having found us guilty on an indictment which charged us with
+a corrupt motive: the Lord Chief Justice held that "in the unnecessary
+and superfluous part of the indictment, there is no judgment against
+you", and refused to believe that anyone would be found afterwards so
+base as to accuse us of evil intent, because of the formal words of the
+indictment, the jury having acquitted us of any corrupt intention. The
+judge unfortunately imputed to others his own uprightness, and we have
+found many--among them Sir W.T. Charley, the present Common Sergeant--
+vile enough to declare what he thought impossible, that we were found
+guilty of wilfully corrupting the morals of the people. The judges
+decided against us on all the points raised, but it is due to them to say
+that in refusing to quash the indictment, as Mr. Bradlaugh asked, they
+were misled by the misrepresentation of an American case by Sir Hardinge
+Giffard, and, to quote the words of the Lord Chief Justice, they
+sheltered themselves "under the decisions of the American Courts, and
+left this matter to be carefully gone into by the Court of Error".
+
+The question of sentence then arose, and two affidavits were put in, one
+by a reporter of the _Morning Advertiser_, named Lysaght. This individual
+published in the _Advertiser_ a very garbled report of a meeting at the
+Hall of Science on the previous Sunday, evidently written to anger the
+Lord Chief Justice, and used by Sir Hardinge Giffard with the same
+object. In one thing, however, it was accurate, and that was in stating
+that we announced our intention to continue the sale of the book. On this
+arose an argument with the Lord Chief Justice; he pointed out that we did
+not deny that the circulation of the book was going on, and we assented
+that it was so. It was almost pathetic to see the judge, angry at our
+resolution, unwilling to sentence us, but determined to vindicate the law
+he administered. "The question is," he urged, "what is to be the future
+course of your conduct? The jury have acquitted you of any intention to
+deliberately violate the law; and that, although you did publish this
+book, which was a book that ought not to have been published, you were
+not conscious of the effect it might have, and had no intention to
+violate the law. That would induce the Court, if it saw a ready
+submission on your part, to deal with the case in a very lenient way. The
+jury having found that it was a violation of the law, but with a good
+motive or through ignorance, the Court, in awarding punishment upon such
+a state of things, would, of course, be disposed to take a most indulgent
+view of the matter. But if the law has been openly set at defiance, the
+matter assumes a very different aspect, and it must be dealt with as a
+very grave and aggravated case." We could not, however, pledge ourselves
+to do anything more than stop the sale pending the appeal on the writ of
+error which we had resolved to go for. "Have you anything to say in
+mitigation?" was the judge's last appeal; but Mr. Bradlaugh answered: "I
+respectfully submit myself to the sentence of the Court"; and I: "I have
+nothing to say in mitigation of punishment".
+
+The sentence and the reason for its heavy character have been so
+misrepresented, that I print here, from the shorthand report taken at the
+time, the account of what passed:--
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, after having conferred for some minutes with Mr.
+Justice Mellor, said: The case has now assumed a character of very, very
+grave importance. We were prepared, if the defendants had announced
+openly in this Court that having acted in error as the jury found--of
+which finding I think they are entitled to the benefit--but still having
+been, after a fair and impartial trial, found by the jury guilty of doing
+of that which was an offence against the law, they were ready to submit
+to the law and to do everything in their power to prevent the further
+publication and circulation of a work which has been declared by the jury
+to be a work calculated to deprave public morals, we should have been
+prepared to discharge them on their own recognizances to be of good
+behavior in the future. But we cannot help seeing in what has been said
+and done pending this trial, and since the verdict of the jury was
+pronounced, that the defendants, instead of submitting themselves to the
+law, have set it at defiance by continuing to circulate this book. That
+being so I must say that that which before was an offence of a
+comparatively slight character--looking to what the jury have found in
+reference to the contention of the defendants--now assumes the form of a
+most grave and aggravated offence, and as such we must deal with it. The
+sentence is that you, Charles Bradlaugh, and you, Annie Besant, be
+imprisoned for the term of six calendar months; that you each pay a fine
+of L200 to the Queen; and that you enter further into your own
+recognizances in a sum of L500 each to be of good behavior for the term
+of two years; and I tell you at the same time that you will not be of
+'good behavior' and will be liable to forfeit that sum if you continue to
+publish this book. No persuasion or conviction on your part that you are
+doing that which is morally justifiable can possibly warrant you in
+violating the law or excuse you in doing so. No one is above the law; all
+owe obedience to the law from the highest to the lowest, and if you
+choose to set yourself at defiance against the law--to break it and defy
+it--you must expect to be dealt with accordingly. I am very sorry indeed
+that such should be the result, but it is owing to your being thus
+contumacious, notwithstanding that you have had a fair trial, and the
+verdict of a competent jury, which ought to have satisfied you that you
+ought to abstain from doing what has been clearly demonstrated and shown
+to be wrong.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Would your lordship entertain an application to stay
+execution of the sentence?
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: Certainly not. On consideration, if you will
+pledge yourselves unreservedly that there shall be no repetition of the
+publication of the book, at all events, until the Court of Appeal shall
+have decided contrary to the verdict of the jury and our judgment; if we
+can have that positive pledge, and you will enter into your recognizances
+that you will not avail yourselves of the liberty we extend to continue
+the publication of this book, which it is our bounden duty to suppress,
+or do our utmost to suppress, we may stay execution; but we can show no
+indulgence without such a pledge.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: My lord, I meant to offer that pledge in the fullest and
+most unreserved sense, because, although I have my own view as to what is
+right, I also recognise that the law having pronounced sentence, that is
+quite another matter so far as I, as a citizen, am concerned. I do not
+wish to ask your lordship for a favor without yielding to the Court
+during the time that I take advantage of its indulgence.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: I wish you had taken this position sooner.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: If the sentence goes against us, it is another matter;
+but if you should consent to give us time for the argument of this writ
+of error, we would bind ourselves during that time. I should not like
+your lordship to be induced to grant this request on the understanding
+that in the event of the ultimate decision being against me I should feel
+bound by that pledge.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: I must do you the justice to say that throughout
+the whole of this battle our conduct has been straightforward since you
+took it up.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: I would not like your lordship to think that, in the
+event of the ultimate decision being against us, there was any sort of
+pledge. I simply meant that the law having pronounced against us, if your
+lordship gives us the indulgence of fighting it in the higher Court, no
+sort of direct or indirect advantage shall be taken of the indulgence.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: You will not continue the publication?
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Not only will I stop the circulation of the book myself,
+but I will do all in my power to prevent other people circulating it.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: Then you can be discharged on your own
+recognizances for L100, 'to be of good behavior,' which you will
+understand to mean, that you will desist from the publication of this
+work until your appeal shall have been heard, and will engage to
+prosecute the appeal without delay.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Certainly; until the present, I have undoubtedly
+circulated the book. Although there is a blunder in the affidavits I do
+not disguise the matter of fact. I shall immediately put the thing under
+my own control, and I will at once lock up every copy in existence, and
+will not circulate another copy until the appeal is decided.
+
+"Mr. JUSTICE MELLOR: It must be that you will really, to the best of your
+ability, prevent the circulation of this book until this matter has been
+determined.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: And what Mr. Bradlaugh says, I understand that
+you, Mrs. Besant, also assent to?
+
+"Mrs. BESANT: Yes: that is my pledge until the writ of error has been
+decided. I do not want to give a pledge which you may think was not given
+honestly. I will give my pledge, but it must be understood that the
+promise goes no further than that decision.
+
+"Mr. JUSTICE MELLOR: You will abstain yourself from circulating the book,
+and, so far as you can, suppress its circulation?
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Every copy that is unsold shall be at once put under lock
+and key until the decision of the case.
+
+"The SOLICITOR-GENERAL: My lord, I think there should be no
+misunderstanding upon this; I understand that the defendants have
+undertaken that during the pendency of the appeal this book shall not be
+circulated at all. But if the decision should be against them they are
+under no pledge not to publish.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: I hope your lordship will not ask us what we shall do in
+future.
+
+"The LORD CHIEF JUSTICE: We have meted out the amount of punishment upon
+the assumption--there being no assertion to the contrary, but rather an
+admission--that they do intend to set the law at defiance. If we had
+understood that they were prepared to submit themselves to the law, we
+should have been disposed to deal with them in the most indulgent manner;
+but as we understood that they did not intend this, we have meted out to
+them such a punishment as we hope, when undergone, will have a deterrent
+effect upon them, and may prevent other people offending in like manner.
+We have nothing to do with what may happen after the defendants obtain a
+judgment in their favor, if they do so, or after the sentence is carried
+out, if they do not. Our sentence is passed, and it will stand, subject
+only to this, that we stay execution until a writ of error may be
+disposed of, the defendants giving the most unqualified and unreserved
+pledge that they will not allow another copy of the book to be sold.
+
+"Mr. BRADLAUGH: Quite so, my lord; quite so."
+
+We were then taken into custody, and went down to the Crown Office to get
+the form for the recognizances, the amount of which, L100, after such a
+sentence, was a fair proof of the view of the Court as to our good faith
+in the whole matter. As a married woman, I was unable to give
+recognizances, being only a chattel, not a person cognisable by law; the
+Court mercifully ignored this--or I should have had to go to prison--and
+accepted Mr. Bradlaugh's sole recognizance as covering us both. It
+further inserted in the sentence that we were "to be placed in the First
+Class of Misdemeanants", but as the sentence was never executed, we did
+not profit by this alleviation.
+
+The rest of the story of the Knowlton pamphlet is soon told. We appeared
+in the Court of Appeal on January 29th, 30th, and 31st, 1878. Mr.
+Bradlaugh argued the case, I only making a brief speech, and on February
+12th the Court, composed of Lords Justices Bramwell, Brett, and Cotton,
+gave judgment in our favor and quashed the indictment. Thus we triumphed
+all along the line; the jury acquitted us of all evil motive, and left us
+morally unstained; the Court of Appeal quashed the indictment, and set us
+legally free. None the less have the ignorant, the malicious, and the
+brutal, used this trial and sentence against us as a proof of moral
+obliquity, and have branded us as "vendors of obscene books" on this sole
+ground.
+
+With the decision of the Court of Appeal our pledge not to sell the
+Knowlton pamphlet came to an end, and we at once recommenced the sale.
+The determination we came to was announced in the _National Reformer_ of
+March 3rd, and I reprint here the statement I wrote at the time in Mr.
+Bradlaugh's name as well as my own.
+
+"THE PLAN OF THE CAMPAIGN.
+
+"The first pitched battle of the new campaign for the Liberty of the
+Press has, as all our readers know, ended in the entire defeat of the
+attacking army, and in the recapture of the position originally lost.
+There is no conviction--of ours--registered against the Knowlton
+Pamphlet, the whole of the proceedings having been swept away; and the
+prosecutors are left with a large sum out of pocket, and no one any the
+worse for all their efforts. The banker's account of the unknown
+prosecutor shows a long and melancholy catalogue of expenses, and there
+is no glory and no success to balance them on the other side of the
+ledger. On the contrary, our prosecutors have advertised the attacked
+pamphlet, and circulated it by thousands and by hundreds of thousands;
+they have caused it to be reprinted in Holland and in America, and have
+spread it over India, Australia, New Zealand, and the whole continent of
+Europe; they have caused the Population Question to be discussed, both at
+home and abroad, in the press and in the public meeting; they have
+crammed the largest halls in England and Scotland to listen to the
+preaching of Malthusianism; they have induced the publication of a modern
+pamphlet on the question which is selling by thousands; they have
+enormously increased the popularity of the defendants, and made new
+friends for them in every class of society; in the end, Knowlton is being
+circulated as vigorously as ever, and since the case was decided more
+copies have been sold than would have been disposed of in ten years at
+the old rate of sale. Truly, our prosecutors must feel delighted at the
+results of their labors.
+
+"So much for the past: what as to the future? Some, fancying we should
+act as they themselves would do under the like circumstances, dream that
+we shall now give way. We have not the smallest intention of doing
+anything of the kind. We said, nearly a year ago, that so long as
+Knowlton was prosecuted we should persist in selling him; we repeated the
+same determination in Court, and received for it a heavy sentence; we
+repeat the same to-day, in spite of the injudicious threat of Lord
+Justice Brett. Before we went up for judgment in the Court of Appeal we
+had made all preparations for the renewal of the struggle; parcels were
+ready to be forwarded to friends who had volunteered to sell in various
+towns; if we had gone to jail from the Court these would at once have
+been sent; as we won our case, they were sent just the same. On the
+following day orders were given to tell any wholesale agents who inquired
+that the book was again on sale, and the bills at 28, Stonecutter Street,
+announcing the suspension, of the sale, were taken down; from that day
+forward all orders received have been punctually attended to, and the
+sale has been both rapid and steady. There is, however, one difference
+between the sale of Knowlton and that of our other literature: Knowlton
+is not sold across the counter at Stonecutter Street. When we were
+arrested in April 1877, we stopped the sale across counter, and we do
+not, at present, intend to recommence it. Our reason is very simple. The
+sale across counter does not, in any fashion, cause us any additional
+risk; the danger of it falls entirely on Mr. Ramsey and on Mr. and Mrs.
+Norrish; we fail to see that there is any courage in running other people
+into danger, and we prefer, therefore, to take the risk on ourselves. We
+do not intend to go down again and personally sell behind the counter; we
+thought it right to challenge a prosecution once, but, having done so, we
+intend now to go quietly on our ordinary way of business, and wait for
+any attack that may come.
+
+"Meanwhile, we are not only selling the 'Fruits of Philosophy', but we
+also are striving to gain the legal right to do so. In the appeal from
+Mr. Vaughan's decision Mr. Bradlaugh again raises all the disputed
+questions, and that appeal will be argued as persistently as was the one
+just decided in our favor. We are also making efforts to obtain an
+alteration of the law of libel, and we hope soon to be able to announce
+the exact terms of the proposed Bill.
+
+"My own pamphlet, on 'The Law of Population', is another effort in the
+same direction. At our trial the Lord Chief Justice said, that it was the
+advocacy of the preventive checks which was the assailable part of
+Knowlton; that advocacy is strongly and clearly to be found in the new
+pamphlet, together with facts useful to mothers, as to the physical
+injury caused by over-rapid child-bearing, which Knowlton did not give.
+The pamphlet has the advantage of being written fifty years later than
+the 'Fruits of Philosophy', and is more suitable, therefore, for
+circulation at the present day. We hope that it may gradually replace
+Knowlton as a manual for the poor. While we shall continue to print and
+sell Knowlton as long as any attempt is made to suppress it, we hope that
+the more modern pamphlet may gradually supersede the old one.
+
+"If another prosecution should be instituted against us, our prosecutors
+would have a far harder task before them than they had last time. In the
+first place, they would be compelled to state, clearly and definitely,
+what it is to which they object; and we should, therefore, be able to
+bring our whole strength to bear on the assailed point. In the second
+place, they would have to find a jury who would be ready to convict, and
+after the full discussion of the question which has taken place the
+finding of such a jury would be by no means an easy thing to do. Lastly,
+they must be quite sure not to make any legal blunders, for they may be
+sure that such sins will find them out. Perhaps, on the whole, they had
+better leave us alone.
+
+"I believe that our readers will be glad to have this statement of our
+action, and this assurance that we feel as certain of winning the battle
+of a Free Press as when we began it a year ago, and that our
+determination is as unwavering as when Serjeant Outram arrested us in the
+spring of last year.--ANNIE BESANT."
+
+Several purchases were made from us by detectives, and we were more than
+once threatened with prosecution. At last evidence for a new prosecution
+was laid before the Home Office, and the Government declined to institute
+fresh proceedings or to have anything more to do with the matter. The
+battle was won. As soon as we were informed of this decision, we decided
+to sell only the copies we had in stock, and not to further reprint the
+pamphlet. Out-of-date as was much of its physiology, it was defended as a
+symbol, not for its intrinsic worth. We issued a circular stating that--
+
+"The Knowlton pamphlet is now entirely out of print, and, 185,000 having
+been printed, the Freethought Publishing Company do not intend to
+continue the publication, which has never at any time been advertised by
+them except on the original issue to test the question. 'The Law of
+Population', price 6d., post free 8d., has been specially written by Mrs.
+Besant to supersede the Knowlton pamphlet."
+
+Thus ended a prolonged resistance to an unfair attempt to stifle
+discussion, and, much as I have suffered in consequence of the part I
+took in that fight, I have never once regretted that battle for the
+saving of the poor.
+
+In July, 1877, a side-quarrel on the pamphlet begun which lasted until
+December 3rd, 1878, and was fought through court after court right out to
+a successful issue. We had avoided a seizure warrant by removing all our
+stock from 28, Stonecutter Street, but 657 of the pamphlets had been
+seized at Mr. Truelove's, in Holborn, and that gentleman was also
+proceeded against for selling the work. The summons for selling was
+withdrawn, and Mr. Bradlaugh succeeded in having his name and mine
+inserted as owners of the books in the summons for their destruction. The
+books remained in the custody of the magistrate until after the decision
+of the Court of Queen's Bench, and on February 12th, 1878, Mr. Bradlaugh
+appeared before Mr. Vaughan at Bow Street, and claimed that the books
+should be restored to him. Mr. Collette, of the Vice Society, argued on
+the other hand that the books were obscene, and ought therefore to be
+destroyed. Mr. Vaughan reserved his decision, and asked for the Lord
+Chief Justice's summing-up in the Queen _v._ Bradlaugh and Besant. On
+February 19th he made an order for the destruction of the pamphlets,
+against which Mr. Bradlaugh appealed to the General Sessions on the
+following grounds:
+
+"1st. That the said book is not an obscene book within the meaning of the
+20th and 21st Victoria, cap. 83. 2nd. That the said book is a scientific
+treatise on the law of population and its connexion with poverty, and
+that there is nothing in the book which is not necessary and legitimate
+in the description of the question. 3rd. That the advocacy of
+non-life-destroying checks to population is not an offence either at
+common law or by statute, and that the manner in which that advocacy is
+raised in the said book, 'The Fruits of Philosophy', is not such as makes
+it an indictable offence. 4th. That the discussion and recommendation of
+checks to over-population after marriage is perfectly lawful, and that
+there is in the advocacy and recommendations contained in the book
+'Fruits of Philosophy' nothing that is prurient or calculated to inflame
+the passions. 5th. That the physiological information in the said book is
+such as is absolutely necessary for understanding the subjects treated,
+and such information is more fully given in Carpenter's treatises on
+Physiology, and Kirke's 'Handbook of Physiology', which later works are
+used for the instruction of the young under Government sanction. 6th.
+That the whole of the physiological information contained in the said
+book, 'The Fruits of Philosophy', has been published uninterruptedly for
+fifty years, and still is published in dear books, and that the
+publication of such information in a cheap form cannot constitute an
+offence."
+
+After a long argument before Mr. Edlin and a number of other Middlesex
+magistrates, the Bench affirmed Mr. Vaughan's order, whereupon Mr.
+Bradlaugh promptly obtained from the Lord Chief Justice and Mr. Justice
+Mellor a writ of _certiorari_, removing their order to the Queen's Bench
+Division of the High Court of Justice with a view to quashing it. The
+matter was not argued until the following November, on the 9th of which
+month it came on before Mr. Justice Mellor and Mr. Justice Field. The
+Court decided in Mr. Bradlaugh's favor and granted a rule quashing Mr.
+Vaughan's order, and with this fell the order of the Middlesex
+magistrates. The next thing was to recover the pamphlets thus rescued
+from destruction, and on December 3rd Mr. Bradlaugh appeared before Mr.
+Vaughan at Bow Street in support of a summons against Mr. Henry Wood, a
+police inspector, for detaining 657 copies of the "Fruits of Philosophy".
+After a long argument Mr. Vaughan ordered the pamphlets to be given up to
+him, and he carried them off in triumph, there and then, on a cab. We
+labelled the rescued pamphlets and sold every one of them, in mocking
+defiance of the Vice Society.
+
+The circulation of literature advocating prudential checks to population
+was not stopped during the temporary suspension of the sale of the
+Knowlton pamphlet between June, 1877, and February, 1878. In October,
+1877, I commenced in the _National Reformer_ the publication of a
+pamphlet entitled: "The Law of Population, its consequences, and its
+bearing upon human conduct and morals". This little book included a
+statement of the law, evidence of the serious suffering among the poor
+caused by over-large families, and a clear statement of the checks
+proposed, with arguments in their favor. The medical parts were omitted
+in the _National Reformer_ articles, and the pamphlet was published
+complete early in November, at the price of sixpence--the same as
+Knowlton's--the first edition consisting of 5,000 copies. A second
+edition of 5,000 was issued in December, but all the succeeding editions
+were of 10,000 copies each. The pamphlet is now in its ninetieth
+thousand, and has gone all over the civilised world. It has been
+translated into Swedish, Danish, Dutch, French, German, and Italian, and
+110,000 copies have been sold of an American reprint. On the whole, the
+prosecution of 1877 did not do much in stopping the circulation of
+literature on the Population Question.
+
+The "Law" has been several times threatened with prosecution, and the
+initial steps have been taken, but the stage of issuing a warrant for its
+seizure has never yet been reached. Twice I have had the stock removed to
+avoid seizure, but on each occasion the heart of the prosecutors has
+failed them, and the little book has carried its message of mercy
+unspeeded by the advertisement of prosecution.
+
+The struggle on the right to discuss the prudential restraint of
+population did not, however, conclude without a martyr. Mr. Edward
+Truelove, alluded to above, was prosecuted for selling a treatise by
+Robert Dale Owen on "Moral Physiology", and a pamphlet entitled,
+"Individual, Family, and National Poverty". He was tried on February 1st,
+1878, before the Lord Chief Justice in the Court of Queen's Bench, and
+was most ably defended by Professor W.A. Hunter. The jury spent two hours
+in considering their verdict, and then returned into Court and stated
+that they were unable to agree. The majority of the jury were ready to
+convict, if they felt sure that Mr. Truelove would not be punished, but
+one of them boldly declared in Court: "As to the book, it is written in
+plain language for plain people, and I think that many more persons ought
+to know what the contents of the book are". The jury was discharged, in
+consequence of this one man's courage, but Mr. Truelove's persecutors--
+the wretched Vice Society--were determined not to let their victim free.
+They proceeded to trial a second time, and wisely endeavored to secure a
+special jury, feeling that as prudential restraint would raise wages by
+limiting the supply of labor, they would be more likely to obtain a
+verdict from a jury of "gentlemen" than from one composed of workers.
+This attempt was circumvented by Mr. Truelove's legal advisers, who let a
+_procedendo_ go which sent back the trial to the Old Bailey. The second
+trial was held on May 16th at the Central Criminal Court before Baron
+Pollock and a common jury, Professor Hunter and Mr. J.M. Davidson
+appearing for the defence. The jury convicted, and the brave old man,
+sixty-eight years of age, was condemned to four months' imprisonment and
+L50 fine for selling a pamphlet which had been sold unchallenged, during
+a period of forty-five years, by James Watson, George Jacob Holyoake,
+Austin Holyoake, and Charles Watts. Mr. Grain, the counsel employed by
+the Vice Society, most unfairly used against Mr. Truelove my "Law of
+Population", a pamphlet which contained, Baron Pollock said, "the head
+and front of the offence in the other [the Knowlton] case". I find an
+indignant protest against this odious unfairness in the _National
+Reformer_ for May 19th: "'My Law of Population' was used against Mr.
+Truelove as an aggravation of his offence; passing over the utter
+meanness--worthy only of Collette--of using against a prisoner a book
+whose author has never been attacked for writing it--does Mr. Collette,
+or do the authorities, imagine that the severity shown to Mr. Truelove
+will in any fashion deter me from continuing the Malthusian propaganda?
+Let me here assure them, one and all, that it will do nothing of the
+kind; I shall continue to sell the 'Law of Population' and to advocate
+scientific checks to population, just as though Mr. Collette and his Vice
+Society were all dead and buried. In commonest justice they are bound to
+prosecute me, and if they get, and keep, a verdict against me, and
+succeed in sending me to prison, they will only make people more anxious
+to read my book, and make me more personally powerful as a teacher of the
+views which they attack."
+
+A persistent attempt was made to obtain a writ of error in Mr. Truelove's
+case, but the Tory Attorney-General, Sir John Holker, refused it,
+although the ground on which it was asked was one of the grounds on which
+a similar writ had been granted to Mr. Bradlaugh and myself. Mr. Truelove
+was therefore compelled to suffer his sentence, but memorials, signed by
+11,000 persons, asking for his release, were sent to the Home Secretary
+from every part of the country, and a crowded meeting in St. James' Hall,
+London, demanded his liberation with only six dissentients. The whole
+agitation did not shorten Mr. Truelove's sentence by a single day, and he
+was not released from Coldbath Fields' Prison until September 5th. On the
+12th of the same month the Hall of Science was crowded with enthusiastic
+friends, who assembled to do him honor, and he was presented with a
+beautifully-illuminated address and a purse containing L177 (subsequent
+subscriptions raised the amount to L197 16s. 6d.).
+
+It is scarcely necessary to say that one of the results of the
+prosecution was a great agitation throughout the country, and a wide
+popularisation of Malthusian views. Some huge demonstrations were held in
+favor of free discussion; on one occasion the Free Trade Hall,
+Manchester, was crowded to the doors; on another the Star Music Hall,
+Bradford, was crammed in every corner; on another the Town Hall,
+Birmingham, had not a seat or a bit of standing-room unoccupied. Wherever
+we went, separately or together, it was the same story, and not only were
+Malthusian lectures eagerly attended, and Malthusian literature eagerly
+bought, but curiosity brought many to listen to our Radical and
+Freethought lectures, and thousands heard for the first time what
+Secularism really meant.
+
+The press, both London and provincial, agreed in branding the prosecution
+as foolish, and it was widely remarked that it resulted only in the wider
+circulation of the indicted book, and the increased popularity of those
+who had stood for the right of publication. The furious attacks since
+made upon us have been made chiefly by those who differ from us in
+theological creed, and who have found a misrepresentation of our
+prosecution served them as a convenient weapon of attack. During the last
+few years public opinion has been gradually coming round to our side, in
+consequence of the pressure of poverty resulting from widespread
+depression of trade, and during the sensation caused in 1884 by "The
+Bitter Cry of Outcast London", many writers in the _Daily News_--notably
+Mr. G.R. Sims--boldly alleged that the distress was to a great extent due
+to the large families of the poor, and mentioned that we had been
+prosecuted for giving the very knowledge which would bring salvation to
+the sufferers in our great cities.
+
+Among the useful results of the prosecution was the establishment of the
+Malthusian League, "to agitate for the abolition of all penalties on the
+public discussion of the population question", and "to spread among the
+people, by all practicable means, a knowledge of the law of population,
+of its consequences, and of its bearing upon human conduct and morals".
+The first general meeting of the League was held at the Hall of Science
+on July 26th, 1877, and a council of twenty persons was elected, and this
+Council on August 2nd elected Dr. C.R. Drysdale, M.D. President, Mr.
+Swaagman Treasurer, Mrs. Besant Secretary, Mr. Shearer Assistant
+Secretary, and Mr. Hember Financial Secretary. Since 1877 the League,
+under the same indefatigable president, has worked hard to carry out its
+objects; it has issued a large number of leaflets and tracts; it supports
+a monthly journal, the _Malthusian_; numerous lectures have been
+delivered under its auspices in all parts of the country; and it has now
+a medical branch, into which none but duly qualified medical men and
+women are admitted, with members in all European countries.
+
+Another result of the prosecution was the accession of "D." to the staff
+of the _National Reformer_. This able and thoughtful writer came forward
+and joined our ranks as soon as he heard of the attack on us, and he
+further volunteered to conduct the journal during our imprisonment. From
+that time to this--a period of eight years--articles from his pen have
+appeared in our columns week by week, and during all that time not one
+solitary difficulty has arisen between editors and contributor. In public
+a trustworthy colleague, in private a warm and sincere friend, "D." has
+proved an unmixed benefit bestowed upon us by the prosecution.
+
+Nor was "D." the only friend brought to us by our foes. I cannot ever
+think of that time without remembering that the prosecution brought me
+first into close intimacy with Mrs. Annie Parris--the wife of Mr. Touzeau
+Parris, the Secretary of the Defence Committee throughout all the fight--
+a lady who, during that long struggle, and during the, for me, far worse
+struggle that succeeded it, over the custody of my daughter, proved to me
+the most loving and sisterly of friends. One or two other friendships
+which will, I hope, last my life, date from that same time of strife and
+anxiety.
+
+The amount of money subscribed by the public during the Knowlton and
+succeeding prosecutions gives some idea of the interest felt in the
+struggle. The Defence Fund Committee in March, 1878, presented a
+balance-sheet, showing subscriptions amounting to L1,292 5s. 4d., and
+total expenditure in the Queen _v._ Bradlaugh and Besant, the Queen _v._
+Truelove, and the appeal against Mr. Vaughan's order (the last two up to
+date) of L1,274 10s. This account was then closed and the balance of L17
+15s. 4d. passed on to a new Fund for the defence of Mr. Truelove, the
+carrying on of the appeal against the destruction of the Knowlton
+pamphlet, and the bearing of the costs incident on the petition lodged
+against myself. In July this new fund had reached L196 16s. 7d., and
+after paying the remainder of the costs in Mr. Truelove case, a balance
+of L26 15s. 2d. was carried on. This again rose to L247 15s. 2-1/2d., and
+the fund bore the expenses of Mr. Bradlaugh's successful appeal on the
+Knowlton pamphlet, the petition and subsequent proceedings in which I was
+concerned in the Court of Chancery, and an appeal on Mr. Truelove's
+behalf, unfortunately unsuccessful, against an order for the destruction
+of the Dale Owen pamphlet. This last decision was given on February 21st,
+1880, and on this the Defence Fund was closed. On Mr. Truelove's release,
+as mentioned above, a testimonial to the amount of L197 16s. 6d. was
+presented to him, and after the close of the struggle some anonymous
+friend sent to me personally L200 as "thanks for the courage and ability
+shown". In addition to all this, the Malthusian League received no less
+than L455 11s. 9d. during the first year of its life, and started on its
+second year with a balance in hand of L77 5s. 8d.
+
+The propaganda of Freethought was not forgotten while this Malthusian
+quarrel was raging, and in August 1877 the Freethought Publishing Company
+issued the first English edition of lectures by Colonel Robert Ingersoll,
+the eminent Freethought advocate of the United States. Since that time
+various other publishers have circulated thousands of his lectures, but
+it has always been to me a matter of satisfaction that we were the first
+to popularise the eloquent American in England. The ruling of the Lord
+Chief Justice that a book written with pure intention and meant to convey
+useful knowledge might yet be obscene, drew from me a pamphlet entitled,
+"Is the Bible Indictable?", in which I showed that the Bible came clearly
+within the judge's ruling. This turning of the tables on our persecutors
+caused considerable sensation at the time, and the pamphlet had, and
+still has, a very wide circulation. It is needless to add that the Sunday
+Freethought lectures were carried on despite the legal toils of the week,
+and, as said above, the large audiences attracted by the prosecution gave
+a splendid field for the inculcation of Freethought views. The National
+Secular Society consequently increased largely in membership, and a
+general impulse towards Freethought was manifest throughout the land.
+
+The year 1878, so far as lecturing work was concerned, was largely taken
+up with a crusade against the Beaconsfield Government and in favor of
+peace. Lord Beaconsfield's hired roughs broke up several peace meetings
+during the winter, and on February 24th Mr. Bradlaugh and Mr. Auberon
+Herbert, at the request of a meeting of working-class delegates, held in
+Hyde Park a "Demonstration in favor of Peace". The war party attacked the
+meeting and some sharp fighting took place, but a resolution "That this
+meeting declares in favor of peace" was carried despite them. A second
+meeting was called by the Working Men's Committee for March 10th, and a
+large force of medical students, roughs, militia-men, and "gentlemen",
+armed with loaded bludgeons, heavy pieces of iron, sticks with metal
+twisted round them, and various sharp-cutting weapons, went to Hyde Park
+to make a riot. The meeting was held and the resolution carried, but
+after it had dissolved there was some furious fighting. We learned
+afterwards that a large money reward had been offered to a band of roughs
+if they would disable Mr. Bradlaugh, and a violent organised attack was
+made on him. The stewards of the meeting carried short policemen's
+truncheons to defend themselves, and a number of these gathered round
+their chief and saved his life. He and his friends had to fight their way
+out of the park; a man, armed with some sharp instrument, struck at Mr.
+Bradlaugh from behind, and cut one side of his hat from top to brim; his
+truncheon was dinted with the jagged iron used as weapon; and his left
+arm, with which he guarded his head, was one mass of bruises from wrist
+to elbow. Lord Beaconsfield's friends very nearly succeeded in their
+attempt at murder, after all, for a dangerous attack of erysipelas set
+in, in the injured arm, and confined Mr. Bradlaugh to his room for
+sixteen days.
+
+The provinces were far more strongly against war than was the capital,
+and in them we held many large and enthusiastic meetings in favor of
+peace. At Huddersfield the great Drill Hall was crammed for a lecture by
+me against war, and throughout Yorkshire and Lancashire scarcely a voice
+was ever raised in crowded meetings in defence of the Beaconsfieldian
+policy. A leaflet of mine, entitled "Rushing into War", was reprinted in
+various parts of the country, and was circulated in tens of thousands,
+and each Freethought leader worked with tongue and pen, on platform and
+in press, to turn the public feeling against war. The Freethought party
+may well take credit to itself for having been first in the field against
+the Tory policy, and for having successfully begun the work later carried
+on by Mr. Gladstone in his Midlothian campaign. They did more than any
+other party in the country to create that force of public opinion which
+overthrew the Tory Government in 1880.
+
+
+
+XVII.
+
+
+The year 1878 was a dark one for me; it saw me deprived of my little
+daughter, despite the deed of separation by which the custody of the
+child had been assigned to me. The first notice that an application was
+to be made to the High Court of Chancery to deprive me of this custody
+reached me in January, 1878, while the decision on the Knowlton case was
+still pending, but the petition was not filed till April. The time was
+ill-chosen; Mabel had caught scarlet fever at a day-school she was
+attending, and for some days was dangerously ill. The fact of her illness
+was communicated to her father, and while the child was lying ill in bed,
+and I had cancelled all engagements so that I might not leave her side, I
+received a copy of the petition to deprive me of her custody. This
+document alleged as grounds for taking away the child:
+
+"The said Annie Besant is, by addresses, lectures, and writings,
+endeavoring to propagate the principles of Atheism, and has published a
+book intituled: 'The Gospel of Atheism'. She has also associated herself
+with an infidel lecturer and author, named Charles Bradlaugh, in giving
+lectures and in publishing books and pamphlets, whereby the truth of the
+Christian religion is impeached, and disbelief in all religion is
+inculcated.
+
+"The said Annie Besant has also, in conjunction with the said Charles
+Bradlaugh, published an indecent and obscene pamphlet called 'The Fruits
+of Philosophy'.
+
+"The said pamphlet has recently been the subject of legal proceedings, in
+the course of which the said Annie Besant publicly justified its contents
+and publication, and stated, or inferred, that in her belief it would be
+right to teach young children the physiological facts contained in the
+said pamphlet. [This was a deliberate falsehood: I had never stated or
+inferred anything of the kind.] The said Annie Besant has also edited and
+published a pamphlet intituled 'The Law of Population; its consequences,
+and its bearing upon human conduct and morals', to which book or pamphlet
+your petitioners crave leave to refer."
+
+The petition was unfortunately heard before the Master of the Rolls, Sir
+George Jessel, a man animated by the old spirit of Hebrew bigotry, and
+who had superadded to this the coarse time-serving morality of "a man of
+the world", sceptical of all sincerity, and contemptuous of all
+self-devotion to a cause that did not pay, as of a weakness by which he
+was himself singularly unassailable. The treatment I received at his
+hands on my first appearance in Court told me what I had to expect. After
+my previous experience of the courtesy of English judges, I was startled
+to hear a harsh, loud voice exclaim, in answer to a statement from Mr.
+Ince. Q.C., that I appeared in person:
+
+"Appear in person? A lady appear in person? Never heard of such a thing!
+Does the lady really appear in person?"
+
+After a variety of similar remarks, delivered in the most grating tones
+and with the roughest manner, Sir George Jessel tried to attain his
+object by browbeating me directly.
+
+"Is this the lady?"
+
+"I am the respondent to the petition, my lord--Mrs. Besant." "Then I
+advise you, Mrs. Besant, to employ counsel to represent you, if you can
+afford it, and I suppose you can."
+
+"With all submission to your lordship, I am afraid I must claim my right
+of arguing my case in person."
+
+"You will do so if you please, of course, but I think you had much better
+appear by counsel. I give you notice that, if you do not, you must not
+expect to be shown any consideration. You will not be heard by me at any
+greater length than the case requires, nor allowed to go into irrelevant
+matter, as persons who argue their own cases generally do."
+
+"I trust I shall not do so, my lord; but in any case I shall be arguing
+under your lordship's complete control."
+
+This encouraging beginning may be taken as a sample of the case. Mr.
+Ince, the counsel on the other side, was constantly practising in the
+Rolls' Court, knew all the judge's peculiarities, how to flatter and
+humor him on the one hand, and how to irritate him against his opponent
+on the other. Nor was Mr. Ince above using his influence with the Master
+of the Rolls to obtain an unfair advantage, knowing that whatever he said
+would be believed against any contradiction of mine: thus he tried to
+obtain costs against me on the ground that the public helped me, whereas
+his client received no subscriptions in aid of his suit; yet as a matter
+of fact subscriptions had been collected for his client, and the Bishop
+of Lincoln, and many of the principal clergy and churchmen of the diocese
+had contributed liberally towards the persecution of the Atheist.
+
+Mr. Ince and Mr. Bardswell argued that my Atheism and Malthusianism made
+me an unfit guardian for my child; Mr. Ince declared that Mabel, educated
+by me, would "be helpless for good in this world", and "hopeless for good
+hereafter"; outcast in this life and damned in the next; Mr. Bardswell
+implored the Judge to consider that my custody of her "would be
+detrimental to the future prospects of the child in society, to say
+nothing of her eternal prospects". I could have laughed, had not the
+matter been so terribly serious, at the mixture of Mrs. Grundy,
+marriage-establishment, and hell, presented as an argument for robbing a
+mother of her child. Once only did judge and counsel fall out; Mr.
+Bardswell had carelessly forgotten that Sir George Jessel was a Jew, and
+lifting eyes to heaven said:
+
+"Your lordship, I think, will scarcely credit it, but Mrs. Besant says in
+a later affidavit that she took away the Testament from the child,
+because it contained coarse passages unfit for a child to read."
+
+To his horror, Sir George Jessel considered there were "some passages
+which a child had better not read in the New Testament", and went on:
+
+"It is not true to say there are no passages that are unfit for a child's
+reading, because I think there are a great many.
+
+"Mr. BARDSWELL: I do not know of any passages that could fairly be called
+coarse.
+
+"Sir G. JESSEL: I cannot quite assent to that."
+
+With the exception of this little outburst of religious feeling against
+the book written by apostate Jews, Jewish judge and Christian counsel
+were united in their hatred of the Atheist. My argument fell on deaf
+ears; I distinctly admitted that I was an Atheist, that I had withdrawn
+the child from religious instruction at school, that I was the author of
+the "Gospel of Atheism", "The Fruits of Christianity", "The Freethinkers'
+Text Book, Part II.", and "The Law of Population", produced against me: I
+claimed her custody on the ground that it was given me by the deed of
+separation executed by the father who was trying to set it aside, and
+that no pretence was made that the child was neglected, the admission
+being, on the contrary, that she was admirably cared for: I offered
+lastly, if she were taken from me, to devote L110 a-year to her
+maintenance and education, provided that she were placed in the hands of
+a third person, not of her father. Sir George Jessel decided against me,
+as he had clearly intended to do from the very outset, and as the part of
+his judgment affecting Freethinkers as parents is of continued interest I
+reprint it here.
+
+"I am glad to say that, so far as I can see, Mrs. Besant has been kind
+and affectionate in her conduct and behavior towards the child, and has
+taken the greatest possible care of her so far as regards her physical
+welfare. I have no doubt she entertains that sincere affection for the
+child which a mother should always feel, and which no merely speculative
+opinions can materially affect. But, unfortunately, since her separation
+from her husband, Mrs. Besant has taken upon herself not merely to ignore
+religion, not merely to believe in no religion, but to publish and avow
+that non-belief--to become the publisher of pamphlets written by herself,
+and to deliver lectures composed by herself, stating her disbelief in
+religion altogether, and stating that she has no belief in the existence
+of a providence or a God. She has endeavored to convince others, by her
+lectures and by her pamphlets, that the denial of all religion is a right
+and proper thing to recommend to mankind at large. It is not necessary
+for me to express any opinion as to the religious convictions of any one,
+or even as to their non-religious convictions. But I must, as a man of
+the world, consider what effect on a woman's position this course of
+conduct must lead to. I know, and must know as a man of the world, that
+her course of conduct must quite cut her off, practically, not merely
+from the sympathy of, but from social intercourse with, the great
+majority of her sex. I do not believe a single clergyman's wife in
+England living with her husband would approve of such conduct, or
+associate with Mrs. Besant; and I must take that into consideration in
+considering what effect it would have upon the child if brought up by a
+woman of such reputation. But the matter does not stop there. Not only
+does Mrs. Besant entertain those opinions which are reprobated by the
+great mass of mankind--whether rightly or wrongly I have no business to
+say, though I, of course, think rightly--but she carries those
+speculative opinions into practice as regards the education of the child,
+and from the moment she does that she brings herself within the lines of
+the decisions of Lord Chancellors and eminent judges with reference to
+the custody of children by persons holding speculative opinions, and in
+those cases it has been held that before giving the custody of a child to
+those who entertain such speculative opinions the Court must consider
+what effect infusing those opinions as part of its practical education
+would have upon the child. That is undoubtedly a matter of the greatest
+importance. Upon this point there is no conflict of testimony whatever.
+Mrs. Besant herself says that she prohibited the governess from giving
+any religious education to the child, and has prevented the child from
+obtaining any religious education at all. When the child went to school--
+a day school, as I understand--Mrs. Besant prohibited the governess of
+that school from imparting any religious education, in the same way that
+she had prohibited the former governess, who was a home governess, from
+giving any religious education, and Mrs. Besant gave none herself. It is,
+therefore, not only the entertaining and publishing these opinions, but
+she considers it her duty so to educate the child as to prevent her
+having any religious opinions whatever until she attains a proper age. I
+have no doubt that Mrs. Besant is conscientious in her opinions upon all
+these matters, but I also have a conscientious opinion, and I am bound to
+give effect to it. I think such a course of education not only
+reprehensible but detestable, and likely to work utter ruin to the child,
+and I certainly should upon this ground alone decide that this child
+ought not to remain another day under the care of her mother."
+
+As to the publication of the Knowlton pamphlet, Sir George Jessel decided
+that that also was a good ground for separating mother and child. He
+committed himself to the shameful statement, so strongly condemned by the
+Lord Chief Justice, that Dr. Knowlton was in favor of "promiscuous
+intercourse without marriage", and then uttered the gross falsehood that
+his view "was exactly the same as was entertained by the Lord Chief
+Justice of England". After this odious misrepresentation, I was not
+surprised to hear from him words of brutal insult to myself. I print here
+an article on him written at the time, not one word of which I now
+regret, and which I am glad to place on record in permanent form, now
+that only his memory remains for me to hate.
+
+"SIR GEORGE JESSEL.
+
+"During the long struggle which began in March, 1877, no word has escaped
+me against the respective judges before whom I have had to plead. Some
+have been harsh, but, at least, they have been fairly just, and even if a
+sign of prejudice appeared, it was yet not sufficient to be a scandal to
+the Bench. Of Sir George Jessel, however, I cannot speak in terms even of
+respect, for in his conduct towards myself he has been rough, coarse, and
+unfair, to an extent that I never expected to see in any English judge.
+Sir George Jessel is subtle and acute, but he is rude, overbearing, and
+coarse; he has the sneer of a Mephistopheles, mingled with a curious
+monkeyish pleasure in inflicting pain. Sir George Jessel prides himself
+on being 'a man of the world', and he expresses the low morality common
+to that class when the phrase is taken in its worst sense; he holds, like
+the 'men of the world', who 'see life' in Leicester Square and the
+Haymarket, that women are kept chaste only through fear and from lack of
+opportunity; that men may be loose in morals if they will, and that women
+are divided into two classes for their use--one to be the victims and the
+toys of the moment, the others to be kept ignorant and strictly guarded,
+so as to be worthy of being selected as wives. Sir George Jessel
+considers that a woman becomes an outcast from society because she thinks
+that women would be happier, healthier, safer, if they had some slight
+acquaintance with physiology, and were not condemned, through ignorance,
+to give birth to human lives foredoomed to misery, to disease, and to
+starvation. Sir George Jessel says that no 'modest woman' will associate
+with one who spreads among her sex the knowledge which will enable her
+sisters to limit their families within their means. The old brutal Jewish
+spirit, regarding women as the mere slaves of men, breaks out in the
+coarse language which disgraced himself rather than the woman at whom it
+was aimed. Sir George Jessel might have been surprised, had he been in
+the Free Trade Hall, Manchester, on the following day, and had seen it
+filled with men and women, quiet looking, well dressed, and respectable,
+and had heard the cries of 'Shame on him!' which rang round the hall,
+when his brutal remark was quoted. Such language only causes a re-action
+towards the insulted person even among those who would otherwise be
+antagonistic, and Sir George Jessel has ranged on my side many a woman
+who, but for him, would have held aloof.
+
+"Sir George Jessel is a Jew; he thinks that a parent should be deprived
+of a child if he or she withholds from it religious training. Two hundred
+years ago, Sir George Jessel's children might have been taken from him
+because he did not bring them up as Christians; Sir George Jessel and his
+race have been relieved from disabilities, and he now joins the
+persecuting majority, and deals out to the Atheist the same measure dealt
+to his forefathers by the Christians. The Master of the Rolls pretended
+that by depriving me of my child he was inflicting no punishment on me!
+If the Master of the Rolls have any children, he must be as hard-hearted
+in the home as he is on the bench, if he would not feel that any penalty
+was inflicted on him if his little ones were torn from him and handed
+over to a Christian priest, who would teach them to despise him as a Jew,
+and hate him as a denier of Christ. Even now, Jews are under many social
+disabilities, and even when richly gilt, Christian society looks upon
+them with thinly-concealed dislike. The old wicked prejudice still
+survives against them, and it is with shame and with disgust that
+Liberals see a Jew trying to curry favor with Christian society by
+reviving the obsolete penalties once inflicted on his own people.
+
+"Sir George Jessel was not only brutally harsh; he was also utterly
+unfair. He quoted the Lord Chief Justice as agreeing with him in his
+judgment on Knowlton, on points where the Chief had distinctly expressed
+the contrary opinion, and he did this not through ignorance, but with the
+eloquent words of Sir Alexander Cockburn lying in front of him, and after
+I had pointed out to him, and he had deliberately read, or professed to
+read, the passages which contained the exact contrary of that which he
+put into the Chief's mouth.
+
+"Of one thing Sir George Jessel and his Christian friends may be sure:
+that neither prosecution nor penalty will prevent me from teaching both
+Atheism and Malthusianism to all who will listen to me, and since
+Christianity is still so bigoted as to take the child from the mother
+because of a difference of creed, I will strain every nerve to convert
+the men and women around me, and more especially the young, to a creed
+more worthy of humanity.
+
+"Sir George Jessel pretended to have the child's interests at heart: in
+reality he utterly ignored them. I offered to settle L110 a year on the
+child if she was placed in the charge of some trustworthy and respectable
+person, but the Master did not even notice the offer. He takes away the
+child from plenty and comfort, and throws her into comparative poverty;
+he takes her away from most tender and watchful care, and places her
+under the guardianship of a man so reckless of her health, that he chose
+the moment of her serious illness to ask for her removal; he takes her
+away from cultured and thoughtful society to place her among
+half-educated farmers. Nay, he goes further: Dr. Drysdale's affidavit
+stated that it was absolutely necessary at present that she should have
+her mother's care; and Sir George Jessel disregards this, and, in her
+still weak state, drags her from her home and from all she cares for,
+and throws her into the hands of strangers. If any serious results
+follow, Sir George Jessel will be morally, though not legally,
+responsible for them. In her new home she can have no gentle womanly
+attendance. No Christian lady of high character will risk the
+misconstruction to which she would be exposed by living alone at Sibsey
+Vicarage with a young clergyman who is neither a bachelor nor a widower;
+the child will be condemned either to solitary neglect at home, or to the
+cold strictness of a boarding-school. She is bright, gay, intelligent,
+merry now. What will she be at a year's end? My worst wish for Sir George
+Jessel is that the measure he has meted out to me may, before he dies, be
+measured out to him or his."
+
+There is little to add to the story. I gave the child up, as I was
+compelled to do, and gave notice of appeal to the Court of Appeal against
+the order of the Master of the Rolls. Meanwhile, as all access to the
+children was denied me by the father, I gave him notice that unless
+access were given I would sue for a restitution of conjugal rights,
+merely for the sake of seeing my children. As the deed of separation had
+been broken by his action, I supposed that the courts would not permit it
+to be broken for his advantage while holding it binding on me. Unhappily,
+at this critical point, my health gave way; the loneliness and silence of
+the house, of which my darling had always been the sunshine and the
+music, weighed on me like an evil dream: at night I could not sleep,
+missing in the darkness the soft breathing of the little child; her cries
+as she clung to me and was forcibly carried away rang ever in my ears; at
+last, on July 25th, I was suddenly struck down with fever, and had the
+rest of pain and delirium instead of the agony of conscious loss. While I
+was lying there prostrate an order was served on me from the Master of
+the Rolls, granted on Mr. Besant's application, to restrain me from
+bringing any suit against him. As soon as I recovered, I took steps for
+contesting this order, but no definite action could be taken until after
+the Long Vacation. The case came on for hearing first in November, 1878,
+and then in January, 1879. All access to the children had been denied me,
+and the money due to me had been withheld. By this my opponent had put
+himself so completely in the wrong that even the Master of the Rolls
+uttered words of severe condemnation of the way in which I had been
+treated. Then a curious interlude took place. The Master of the Rolls
+advised me to file a counter-claim for divorce or for judicial
+separation, and I gladly agreed to do so, feeling very doubtful as to the
+Master of the Rolls' power to do anything of the kind, but very glad that
+he should think he had the authority. While the claim was being prepared,
+I obtained access to the children under an interim order, as well as the
+money owing to me, and at the end of March the case again came before the
+Master of the Rolls. The claim filed alleged distinct acts of cruelty,
+and I brought witnesses to support the claim, among them the doctor who
+had attended me during my married life. Mr. Ince filed an answer of
+general denial, adding that the acts of cruelty, if any, were "done in
+the heat of the moment". He did not, however, venture to contest the
+case, although I tendered myself for cross-examination, but pleaded the
+deed of separation as a bar to further proceedings on my part; I argued
+on the other hand that as the deed had been broken by the plaintiff's
+act, all my original rights revived. Sir George Jessel held that the deed
+of separation condoned all that had gone before it, if it was raised as a
+bar to further proceedings, and expressed his regret that he had not
+known there would be "any objection on the other side", when he advised a
+claim for a judicial separation. On the final hearing of the case in
+April in the Rolls' Court Sir George Jessel decided that the deed of
+separation was good as protecting Mr. Besant from any suit on my part to
+obtain a decree for the restitution of conjugal rights, although it had
+been set aside on the one matter of value to me--the custody of my child.
+The net result of the proceedings was that had I gone to the Divorce
+Court in 1873, I might at least have obtained a divorce _a mensa e
+thoro_; that in my desire to avoid publicity, and content in what I
+believed to be secure possession of my child, I had agreed to a deed
+which fully protected Mr. Besant against any action on my part, but which
+could be set aside by him for the purpose of robbing me of my child.
+
+The argument in the Court of Appeal came on during April, and was, as I
+expected, decided against me, the absolute right of the father being
+declared, and a married mother held to have no sort of claim over her own
+children. The worst stigma affixed to marriage by the law of England is
+this ignoring of any right of the married mother to her child; the law
+protects the unmarried, but insults the married, mother, and places in
+the hands of the legal husband an instrument of torture whose power to
+agonise depends on the tenderness and strength of the motherliness of the
+wife. In fact the law says to every woman: "Choose which of these two
+positions you will have: if you are legally your husband's wife you can
+have no legal claim to your children; if legally you are your husband's
+mistress, then your rights as mother are secure".
+
+But one thing I gained in the Court of Appeal. The Court expressed a
+strong view as to my right of access, and directed me to apply to Sir
+George Jessel for it, stating that it could not doubt that he would give
+it. I made the application and obtained an order of access to the
+children, seeing them alone, once a month; of a visit of the children to
+London twice a year, with their governess, for a week each time; of a
+week at the seaside in similar fashion once a year; of a weekly letter
+from each of them with the right of reply. This order, obtained after
+such long struggle, has proved useless. The monthly visit so upset my
+poor little daughter, and made her fret so constantly after me, that in
+mercy to her I felt compelled to relinquish it; on the first visit to the
+seaside, I was saddled with the cost of maintaining the Rev. Mr. and Mrs.
+Child, who were placed as guardians of the children, and who treated me
+in their presence as though I were a dangerous animal from whom they were
+to be protected. To give but an instance of the sort of treatment I
+received, I wished Mabel to have the benefit of sea-bathing, and was told
+that she could not be allowed to bathe with me, and this with a
+suggestiveness that sorely taxed my self-control. I could not apply to
+the Court against the ingenious forms of petty insult employed, while I
+felt that they must inevitably estrange the children from me if practised
+always in their presence. After a vain appeal that some sort of
+consideration should be shown to me, an appeal answered by a mocking
+suggestion that I should complain to the Master of the Rolls, I made up
+my mind as to my future course. I resolved neither to see nor to write to
+my children until they were old enough to understand and to judge for
+themselves, and I know that I shall win my daughter back in her
+womanhood, though I have been robbed of her childhood. By effacing myself
+then, I saved her from a constant and painful struggle unfitted for
+childhood's passionate feelings, and left her only a memory that she
+loves, undefaced by painful remembrances of her mother insulted in her
+presence.
+
+Unhappily Sir George Jessel has terribly handicapped her future; left to
+me she would have had the highest education now open to girls; left to
+her present guardian she receives only fifth-rate teaching, utterly
+unfitted for the present day. Twice I have offered to bear the whole
+expense of her education in the High School at Cheltenham, or in some
+London College, without in any way appearing in the matter, but each time
+my offer has been roughly and insultingly refused, and the influence that
+marred the mother's life is undermining the future happiness of the
+child's. But I am not without hope that I may be able to obtain from the
+Court of Chancery an order for the benefit of its ward, and I trust
+before very long that I shall be able to insure to my child an education
+which will fit her to play her part worthily when she reaches womanhood.
+I had hoped to save her from the pain of rejecting a superstitious faith,
+but that is now impossible, and she must fight her way out of darkness
+into light as her mother did before her. But in order that she may do so,
+education now is of vital importance, and that I am striving to obtain
+for her. I live in the hope that in her womanhood she may return to the
+home she was torn from in her childhood, and that, in faithful work and
+noble endeavor, she may wear in future years in the Freethought ranks a
+name not wholly unloved or unhonored therein, for the sake of the woman
+who has borne it in the van through eleven years of strife.
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Autobiographical Sketches, by Annie Besant
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