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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11270-0.txt b/11270-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5481254 --- /dev/null +++ b/11270-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3297 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11270 *** + +[Transcriber's Note: Footnotes have been renumbered and moved to the end.] + + + + +A Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor;" + +or, + +A Letter from Marie E. Zakrzewska, M.D. +Late of Berlin, Prussia + +Edited By + +Caroline H. Dall, + +Author of "Woman's Right To Labor," +"Historical Pictures Retouched," &c. &c. + + + + "Whoso cures the plague, + Though twice a woman, shall be called a leech." + + "And witness: she who did this thing was born + To do it; claims her license in her work." + + Aurora Leigh. + + +1860. + + + + +To the Hon. Samuel E. Sewall, Faithful Always To "Women And Work," and One +of the Best Friends of The New-England Female Medical College, The Editor +Gratefully Dedicates This Volume. + + + + + "The men (who are prating, too, on their side) cry, + 'A woman's function plainly is ... to talk.'" + + "What + He doubts is, whether we can _do_ the thing + With decent grace we've not yet done at all. + Now do it." + + "Bring your statue: + You have room." + + "None of us is mad enough to say + We'll have a grove of oaks upon that slope, + And sink the need of acorns." + + + + +Preface. + + + +It is due to myself to say, that the manner in which the Autobiography is +subordinated to the general subject in the present volume, and also the +manner in which it is _veiled_ by the title, are concessions to the +modesty of her who had the best right to decide in what fashion I should +profit by her goodness, and are very far from being my own choice. + +Caroline H. Dall. + +49. Bradford Street, Boston, +Oct. 30, 1860. + + + + +Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor" + + + +It never happens that a true and forcible word is spoken for women, that, +however faithless and unbelieving women themselves may be, some noble men +do not with heart and hand attempt to give it efficiency. + +If women themselves are hard upon their own sex, men are never so in +earnest. They realize more profoundly than women the depth of affection +and self-denial in the womanly soul; and they feel also, with crushing +certainty, the real significance of the obstacles they have themselves +placed in woman's way. + +Reflecting men are at this moment ready to help women to enter wider +fields of labor, because, on the one side, the destitution and vice they +have helped to create appalls their consciousness; and, on the other, a +profane inanity stands a perpetual blasphemy in the face of the Most High. + +I do not exaggerate. Every helpless woman is such a blasphemy. So, indeed, +is every helpless man, where helplessness is not born of idiocy or +calamity; but society neither expects, provides for, nor defends, helpless +men. + +So it happened, that, after the publication of "Woman's Right to Labor," +generous men came forward to help me carry out my plans. The best printer +in Boston said, "I am willing to take women into my office at once, if you +can find women who will submit to an apprenticeship like men." On the same +conditions, a distinguished chemist offered to take a class of women, and +train them to be first-class apothecaries or scientific observers, as they +might choose. To these offers there were no satisfactory responses. "Yes," +said the would-be printers, "we will go into an office for six months; +but, by that time, our oldest sisters will be married, and our mothers +will want us at home." + +"An apprenticeship of six years!" exclaimed the young lady of a chemical +turn. "I should like to learn very much, so that I could be a chemist, _if +I ever had to_; but poison myself for six years over those 'fumes,' not +I." It is easy to rail against society and men in general: but it is very +painful for a woman to confess her heaviest obstacle to success; namely, +the _weakness of women_. The slave who dances, unconscious of degradation +on the auction-block, is at once the greatest stimulus and the bitterest +discouragement of the antislavery reformer: so women, contented in +ignominious dependence, restless even to insanity from the need of healthy +employment and the perversion of their instincts, and confessedly looking +to marriage for salvation, are at once a stimulus to exertion, and an +obstacle in our way. But no kind, wise heart will heed this obstacle. +Having spoken plain to society, having won the sympathy of men, let us see +if we cannot compel the attention of these well-disposed but thoughtless +damsels. + +"Six years out of the very bloom of our lives to be spent in the +printing-office or the laboratory!" exclaim the dismayed band; and they +flutter out of reach along the sidewalks of Beacon Street, or through the +mazes of the "Lancers." + +But what happens ten years afterward, when, from twenty-six to thirty, +they find themselves pushed off the _pavé_, or left to blossom on the +wall? Desolate, because father and brother have died; disappointed, +because well-founded hopes of a home or a "career" have failed; +impoverished, because they depended on strength or means that are +broken,--what have they now to say to the printing-office or the +apothecary's shop? They enter both gladly; with quick woman's wit, +learning as much in six months as men would in a year; but grumbling and +discontented, that, in competing with men who have spent their whole lives +in preparation, they can only be paid at half-wages. What does common +sense demand, if not that women should make thorough preparation for +trades or professions; and, having taken up a resolution, should abide by +all its consequences like men? + +Before cases like these my lips are often sealed, and my hands drop +paralyzed. Not that they alter God's truth, or make the duty of protest +against existing wrong any less incumbent: but they obscure the truth; +they needlessly complicate the duty. + +Perplexed and anxious, I have often felt that what I needed most was an +example to set before young girls,--an example not removed by superiority +of station, advantage of education, or unwonted endowment, beyond their +grasp and imitation. + +There was Florence Nightingale. But her father had a title: it was fair +to presume that her opportunities were titled also. All the girls I knew +wished they could have gone to the Crimea; while I was morally certain, +that the first amputation would have turned them all faint. There was +Dorothea Dix: she had money and time. It was not strange that she had +great success; for she started, a monomaniac in philanthropy, from the +summit of personal independence. Mrs. John Stuart Mill: had she ever +wanted bread? George Sand: the woman wasn't respectable. In short, +whomsoever I named, who had pursued with undeviating perseverance a worthy +career, my young friends had their objections ready. No one had ever been +so poor, so ill educated, so utterly without power to help herself, as +they; and, provoking as these objections were, I felt that they had force. +My young friends were not great geniuses: they were ordinary women, who +should enter the ordinary walks of life with the ordinary steadfastness +and devotion of men in the same paths; nothing more. What I wanted was an +example,--not too stilted to be useful,--a life flowing out of +circumstances not dissimilar to their own, but marked by a steady will, an +unswerving purpose. As I looked back over my own life, and wished I could +read them its lessons,--and I looked back a good way; for I was very +young, when the miserable destitution of a drunkard's wife, whom I +assisted, showed me how comfortable a thing it was to rest at the mercy of +the English common law,--as I looked back over my long interest in the +position of woman, I felt that my greatest drawback had been the want of +such an example. Every practical experiment that the world recorded had +been made under such peculiar circumstances, or from such a fortuitous +height, that it was at once rejected as a lesson. + +One thing I felt profoundly: as men sow they must reap; and so must women. +The practical misery of the world--its terrible impurity will never be +abated till women prepare themselves from their earliest years to enter +the arena of which they are ambitious, and stand there at last mature and +calm, but, above all, _thoroughly trained_; trained also at _the side of +the men_, with whom they must ultimately work; and not likely, therefore +to lose balance or fitness by being thrown, at the last moment, into +unaccustomed relations. A great deal of nonsense has been talked lately +about the unwillingness of women to enter the reading-room of the Cooper +Institute, where men also resort. + +"A woman's library," in any city, is one of the partial measures that I +deprecate: so I only partially rejoice over the late establishment of such +a library in New York. I look upon it as one of those half-measures which +must be endured in the progress of any desired reform; and, while I wish +the Cooper Institute and its reading-room God-speed with every fibre of my +consciousness, I have no words with which to express my shame at the +mingled hypocrisy and indelicacy of those who object to use it. What woman +stays at home from a ball because she will meet men there? What woman +refuses to walk Broadway in the presence of the stronger sex? What woman +refuses to buy every article of her apparel from the hands of a man, or to +let the woman's tailor or shoemaker take the measure of her waist or foot; +try on and approve her coiffure or bernouse? + +What are we to think, then, of the delicacy which shrinks from the +reading-room frequented by men; which discovers so suddenly that magazines +are more embarrassing than mazourkas; that to read in a cloak and hat +before a man is more indelicate than to waltz in his presence half denuded +by fashion? + +Of course, we are to have no patience with it, and to refuse utterly to +entertain a remonstrance so beneath propriety. + +The object of my whole life has been to inspire in women a desire for +_thorough training_ to some special end, and a willingness to share the +training of men both for specific and moral reasons. Only by sharing such +training can women be sure that they will be well trained; only by +God-ordained, natural communion of all men and women can the highest moral +results be reached. + +"Free labor and free society:" I have said often to myself, in these two +phrases lies hidden the future purification of society. When men and women +go everywhere together, the sights they dare not see together will no +longer exist. + +Fair and serene will rise before them all heights of possible attainment; +and, looking off over the valleys of human endeavor together, they will +clear the forest, drain the morass, and improve the interval stirred by a +common impulse. + +When neither has any thing to hide from the other, no social duty will +seem too difficult to be undertaken; and, when the interest of each sex is +to secure the purity of the other, neither religion nor humanity need +despair of the result. + +It was while fully absorbed in thoughts and purposes like these, that, in +the autumn of 1856, I first saw Marie Zakrzewska.[1] During a short visit +to Boston (for she was then resident in New York), a friend brought her +before a physiological institute, and she addressed its members. + +She spoke to them of her experience in the hospital at Berlin, and showed +that the most sinning, suffering woman never passed beyond the reach of a +woman's sympathy and help. She had not, at that time, thoroughly mastered +the English language; though it was quite evident that she was fluent, +even to eloquence, in German. Now and then, a word failed her; and, with a +sort of indignant contempt at the emergency, she forced unaccustomed words +to do her service, with an adroitness and determination that I never saw +equalled. I got from it a new revelation of the power of the English +language. She illustrated her noble and nervous thoughts with incidents +from her own experience one of which was told in a manner which impressed +it for ever on my consciousness. + +"Soon after I entered the hospital," said Marie, "the nurse called me to a +ward where sixteen of the most forlorn objects had begun to fight with +each other. The inspector and the young physicians had been called to +them, but dared not enter the _mêlée_. When I arrived, pillows, chairs, +foot-stools and vessels had deserted their usual places; and one stout +little woman, with rolling eyes and tangled hair, lifted a vessel of +slops, which she threatened to throw all over me, as she exclaimed, 'Don't +dare to come here, you green young thing!' + +"I went quietly towards her, saying gently, 'Be ashamed, my dear woman, of +your fury.' + +"Her hands dropped. Seizing me by the shoulder she exclaimed, 'You don't +mean that you look on me as a woman?' + +"'How else?' I answered; while she retreated to her bed, all the rest +standing in the attitudes into which passion had thrown them. + +"'Arrange your beds,' I said; 'and in fifteen minutes let me return, and +find every thing right.' When I returned, all was as I had desired; every +woman standing at her bedside. The short woman was missing; but, bending +on each a friendly glance, I passed through the ward, which never gave me +any more trouble. + +"When, late at night, I entered my room, it was fragrant with violets. A +green wreath surrounded an old Bible, and a little bouquet rested upon +it. I did not pause to speculate over this sentimentality, but threw +myself weary upon the bed; when a light tap at the door startled me. The +short woman entered; and humbling herself on the floor, since she would +not sit in my presence entreated to be heard. + +"'You called me a woman,' she said, 'and you pity us. Others call us by +the name the world gives us. You would help us, if help were possible. All +the girls love you, and are ashamed before you; and therefore _I_ hate +you--no: I will not hate you any longer. There was a time when I might +have been saved,--I and Joanna and Margaret and Louise. We were not bad. +Listen to me. If _you_ say there is any hope, I will yet be an honest +woman.' + +"She had had respectable parents; and, when twenty years old, was deserted +by her lover, who left her three months pregnant. Otherwise kind, her +family perpetually reproached her with her disgrace, and threatened to +send her away. At last, she fled to Berlin; keeping herself from utter +starvation, by needlework. In the hospital to which she went for +confinement, she took the small-pox. When she came out, with her baby in +her arms, her face was covered with red blotches. Not even the lowest +refuge was open to her, her appearance was so frightful. With her baby +dragging at her empty breast, she wandered through the streets. An old hag +took pity on both; and, carefully nursed till health returned, her good +humor and native wit made those about her forget her ugly face. She was in +a brothel, where she soon took the lead. Her child died, and she once more +attempted to earn her living as a seamstress. She was saved from +starvation only by her employer, who received her as his mistress. Now her +luck changed: she suffered all a woman could; handled poison and the +firebrand. 'I thought of stealing,' she said, 'only as an amusement: it +was not exciting enough for a trade.'. She found herself in prison; and +was amused to be punished for a trifle, when nobody suspected her crime. +It was horrible to listen to these details; more horrible to witness her +first repentance. + +"When I thanked her for her violets, she kissed my hands, and promised to +be good. + +"While she remained in the hospital, I took her as my servant, and trusted +every thing to her; and, when finally discharged, she went out to service. +She wished to come with me to America. I could not bring her; but she +followed, and, when I was in Cleveland, inquired for me in New York." + +It will be impossible, for those who have not heard such stories from the +lips and in the dens of the sufferers, to feel as I felt when this dropped +from the pure lips of the lecturer. For the first time I saw a woman who +knew what I knew, felt what I felt, and was strong in purpose and power to +accomplish our common aim,--the uplifting of the fallen, the employment of +the idle, and the purification of society. + +I needed no farther introduction to Marie Zakrzewska. I knew nothing of +her previous history or condition; but when I looked upon her clear, broad +forehead, I saw "Faithful unto death" bound across it like a phylactery. I +did not know how many years she had studied; but I saw thoroughness +ingrained into her very muscle. I asked no questions of the clear, strong +gaze that pierced the assembly; but I felt very sure that it could be as +tender as it was keen. For the first time I saw a woman in a public +position, about whom I felt thoroughly at ease; competent to all she had +undertaken, and who had undertaken nothing whose full relations to her sex +and society she did not understand. + +I thanked God for the sight, and very little thought that I should see +her again. She came once more, and we helped her to establish the Women's +Infirmary in New York; again, and we installed her as Resident Physician +in the New-England Female Medical College. + +I had never felt any special interest in this college. I was willing it +should exist as one of the half-way measures of which I have spoken,--like +the reading-room in New York; but I was bent on opening the colleges which +already existed to women, and I left it to others to nurse the young life +of this. The first medical men, I felt assured, would never, in the +present state of public opinion, take an interest in a _female_ college; +and I desired, above all things, to protect women from second-rate +instruction. + +But, when Marie Zakrzewska took up her residence in Springfield Street, it +was impossible to feel indifferent. Here was a woman born to inspire +faith; meeting all men as her equals till they proved themselves superior; +capable of spreading a contagious fondness for the study of medicine, as +Dr. Black once kindled a chemical enthusiasm in Edinburgh. + +Often did I ponder her past life, which had left significant lines on +face and form. We met seldom,--always with perfect trust. Whatever I might +have to say, I should have felt sure of being understood, if I had not +seen her for six months; nor could she have failed to find a welcome in my +heart for any words of hers. + +Then I heard the course of lectures which she delivered to ladies in the +spring of 1860. For the first time, I heard a woman speak of scientific +subjects in a way that satisfied me; nor should I have blushed to find +scientific men among her audience. I had felt, from the first, that her +life might do what my words never could: namely, inspire women with faith +to try their own experiments; give them a dignity, which should refuse to +look forward to marriage as an end, while it would lead them to accept it +gladly as a providential help. I did not fear that she would be untrue to +her vocation, or easily forsake it for a more domestic sphere. She had not +entered it, I could see, without measuring her own purpose and its use. + +It was with such feelings, and such knowledge of Marie, that in a private +conversation, last summer with Miss Mary L. Booth of New York, I heard +with undisguised pleasure that she had in her possession an autobiography +of her friend, in the form of a letter. I really longed to get possession +of that letter so intensely, that I dared not ask to see it: but I urged +Miss Booth to get consent to its publication; "for," I said, "no single +thing will help my work, I am convinced, so much." + +"I look forward to its publication," she replied, "with great delight: it +will be the sole labor of love, of my literary life. But neither you nor I +believe in reputations which death and posterity have not confirmed. What +reasons could I urge to Marie for its present publication?" + +"The good of her own sex," I replied, "and a better knowledge of the +intimate relations existing between free labor and a pure society. I know +nothing of our friend's early circumstances; but I cannot be mistaken in +the imprint they have left. This is one of those rare cases, in which a +life may belong to the public before it has closed." + +I returned to Boston. Later in the season, Miss Booth visited Dr. +Zakrzewska. Imagine my surprise when she came to me one day, and laid +before me the coveted manuscript. "It is yours," she said, "to publish if +you choose. I have got Marie's consent. She gave it very reluctantly; but +her convictions accord with yours, and she does not think she has any +right to refuse. As for me," Miss Booth continued, "I resign without +regret my dearest literary privilege, because I feel that the position you +have earned in reference to 'woman's labor' entitles you to edit it." + +In an interview which I afterwards held with Marie Zakrzewska, she gave me +to understand, that, had she been of American birth, she would never have +consented to the publication of her letter in her lifetime. "But," she +said, "I am a foreigner. You who meet me and sustain me are entitled to +know something of my previous history. Those whom I most loved are dead; +not a word of the record can pain them; not a word but may help some life +just now beginning. It will make a good sequel to 'Woman's Right to +Labor.'" + +"Only too good," I thought. "May God bless the lesson!" + +It was agreed between Miss Booth and myself, that the autobiography should +keep its original, simple form, to indicate how and why it was written: so +I invite my friends to read it at once with me. Here is something as +entertaining as a novel, and as useful as a treatise. Here is a story +which must enchant the conservative, while it inspires the reformer. The +somewhat hazy forms of Drs. Schmidt and Müller, the king's order to the +rebellious electors, the historic prestige of a Prussian locality,--all +these will lend a magic charm to the plain lesson which New York and +Boston need. + + * * * * * + +New York, September, 1857. + +Dear Mary, + +It is especially for your benefit that I write these facts of my life. I +am not a great personage, either through inherited qualifications or the +work that I have to show to the world; yet you may find, in reading this +little sketch, that with few talents, and very moderate means for +developing them, I have accomplished more than many women of genius and +education would have done in my place, for the reason that confidence and +faith in their own powers were wanting. And, for this reason, I know that +this story might be of use to others, by encouraging those who timidly +shrink from the field of action, though endowed with all that is necessary +to enable them to come forth and do their part in life. The fact that a +woman of no extraordinary powers can make her way by the simple +determination, that whatever she can do she will do, must inspire those +who are fitted to do much, yet who do nothing because they are not +accustomed to determine and decide for themselves. + +I do not intend to weary you with details of my childhood, as I think that +children are generally very uninteresting subjects of conversation to any +except their parents, who naturally discover what is beautiful and +attractive in them, and appreciate what is said in correspondence with +their own feelings. I shall, therefore, only tell you a few facts of this +period of my life, which I think absolutely necessary to illustrate my +character and nature. + +I was born in Berlin, Prussia, on the 6th of September, 1829; and am the +eldest of a family of five sisters and one brother. My early childhood +passed happily, though heavy clouds of sorrow and care at times +overshadowed our family circle. I was of a cheerful disposition; and was +always in good humor, even when sick. I was quiet and gentle in all my +amusements: my chief delight consisting in telling stories to my sister, +one year younger than myself, who was always glad to listen to these +products of my imagination, which were wholly original; for no stories +were told me, nor had I any children's books. My heroes and heroines were +generally distinguished for some mental peculiarity,--being kind or +cruel, active or indolent,--which led them into all sorts of adventures +till it suited my caprice to terminate their career. In all our little +affairs, I took the lead, planning and directing every thing; while my +playmates seemed to take it for granted, that it was their duty to carry +out my commands. + +My memory is remarkable in respect to events that occurred at this time, +while it always fails to recall dates and names. When twenty years of age, +I asked my father what sort of a festival he took me to once, in company +with a friend of his with only one arm, when we walked through meadows +where daisies were blossoming in millions, and where we rode in carriages +that went round continually until they were wound up. My father answered, +with much surprise, that it was a public festival of the cabinet-makers, +which was celebrated in a neighboring village; and that I was, at that +time, only nineteen months old. + +He was so much interested in my story, that I related another of my +memories. One dark morning, my mother wakened me, and hastened my +dressing. After this was accomplished, she handed me a cup of something +which I had never tasted before, and which was as disagreeable as +assafoetida in later years. This was some coffee, which I had to take +instead of my usual milk. Then I went with my father to the large park +called Thiergarten, where we saw the sun rise. I began to spring about; +looking at the big oaks which seemed to reach into the heavens, or +stooping down to pluck a flower. Birds of all kinds were singing in +chorus, while the flower-beds surrounding the statue of Flora scented the +pure morning air with the sweetest of perfumes. The sun ascended, +meanwhile, from the edge of a little pond covered with water-lilies. I was +intoxicated with joy. The feeling of that morning is as fresh to-day as +when I related this to my father. I know I walked till I got fairly tired, +and we reached a solitary house beyond the park. Probably fatigue took +entire possession of me; for I remember nothing more till we were on our +way home, and the sun was setting. Then I begged for some large yellow +plums which I saw in the stores. My father bought some, but gave me only a +few; while I had a desire for all, and stole them secretly from his +pockets; so that, when we reached home, I had eaten them all. I was sick +after I went to bed, and remember taking some horrible stuff the next +morning (probably rhubarb); thus ending the day, which had opened so +poetically, in rather a prosaic manner. When I repeated this, my parents +laughed, and said that I was only twenty-six months old, when my father's +pride in his oldest child induced him to take me on this visit; when I +walked the whole way, which was about _nine miles_. These anecdotes are +worth preserving, only because they indicate an impressionable nature, and +great persistence of muscular endurance. It is peculiar, that between +these two events, and a third which occurred a year after, every thing +should be a blank. + +A little brother was then born to me, and lay undressed upon a cushion, +while my father cried with sobs. I had just completed my third year, and +could not understand why, the next day, this little thing was carried off +in a black box. + +From that time, I remember almost every day's life. + +I very soon began to manifest the course of my natural tendencies. Like +most little girls, I was well provided with dolls; and, on the day after a +new one came into my possession, I generally discovered that the dear +little thing was ill, and needed to be nursed and doctored. Porridges and +teas were accordingly cooked on my little toy stove, and administered to +the poor doll, until the _papier-mâché_ was thoroughly saturated and +broken; when she was considered dead, and preparations were made for her +burial,--this ceremony being repeated over and over again. White dresses +were put on for the funeral; a cricket was turned upside-down to serve as +the coffin; my mother's flower-pots furnished the green leaves for +decoration; and I delivered the funeral oration in praise of the little +sufferer, while placing her in the tomb improvised of chairs. I hardly +ever joined the other children in their plays, except upon occasions like +these, when I appeared in the characters of doctor, priest, and +undertaker; generally improving the opportunity to moralize; informing my +audience, that Ann (the doll) had died in consequence of disobeying her +mother by going out before she had recovered from the measles, &c. Once I +remember moving my audience to tears by telling them that little Ann had +been killed by her brother, who, in amusing himself with picking off the +dry skin after she had had the scarlatina, had carelessly torn off the +real skin over the heart, as they could see; thus leaving it to beat in +the air, and causing the little one to die. This happened after we had all +had the scarlatina. + +When five years old, I was sent to a primary school. Here I became the +favorite of the teacher of arithmetic; for which study I had quite a +fancy. The rest of the teachers disliked me. They called me unruly because +I would not obey arbitrary demands without receiving some reason, and +obstinate because I insisted on following my own will when I knew that I +was in the right. I was told that I was not worthy to be with my +playmates; and when I reached the highest class in the school, in which +alone the boys and girls were taught separately, I was separated from the +latter, and was placed with the boys by way of punishment, receiving +instructions with them from men, while the girls in the other class were +taught by women. Here I found many friends. I joined the boys in all their +sports; sliding and snow-balling with them in winter, and running and +playing ball in summer. With them I was merry, frank, and self-possessed; +while with the girls I was quiet, shy, and awkward. I never made friends +with the girls, or felt like approaching them. + +Once only, when I was eleven years old, a girl in the young ladies' +seminary in which I had been placed when eight years of age won my +affection. This was Elizabeth Hohenhorst, a child of twelve, remarkably +quiet, and disposed to melancholy. She was a devout Catholic; and, knowing +that she was fated to become a nun, was fitting herself for that dreary +destiny, which rendered her very sentimental She was full of fanciful +visions, but extremely sweet and gentle in her manners. My love for her +was unbounded. I went to church in her company, was present at all the +religious festivals, and accompanied her to receive religious instruction: +in short, I made up my mind to become a Catholic, and, if possible, a nun +like herself. My parents, who were Rationalists, belonging to no church, +gave me full scope to follow out my own inclinations; leaving it to my +nature to choose for me a fitting path. This lasted until Elizabeth went +for the first time to the confessional; and, when the poor innocent child +could find no other sin of which to speak than the friendship which she +cherished for a Protestant, the priest forbade her to continue this, until +I, too, had become a Catholic; reminding her of the holiness of her future +career. The poor girl conscientiously promised to obey. When I came the +next morning and spoke to her as usual, she turned away from me, and burst +into tears. Surprised and anxious, I asked what was the matter; when, in a +voice broken with sobs, she told me the whole story, and begged me to +become a Catholic as soon as I was fourteen years old. Never in my whole +life shall I forget that morning. For a moment, I gazed on her with the +deepest emotion, pitying her almost more than myself; then suddenly turned +coldly and calmly away, without answering a single word. My mind had +awakened to the despotism of Roman Catholicism, and the church had lost +its expected convert. I never went near her again, and never exchanged +another word with her. This was the only friend I had during eight and a +half years of uninterrupted attendance at school. + +A visit that I paid to my maternal grandfather, when seven or eight years +old, made a strong impression on my mind. My grandfather, on his return +from the war of 1813-15, in which he had served, had received from the +authorities of Prenzlau (the city in which he lived) a grant of a +half-ruined cloister, with about a hundred acres of uncultivated land +attached, by way of acknowledgment for his services. He removed thither +with his family; and shortly after invited the widows of some soldiers, +who lived in the city, to occupy the apartments which he did not need. The +habitable rooms were soon filled to overflowing with widows and orphans, +who went to work with him to cultivate the ground. It was not long before +crippled and invalid soldiers arrived, begging to be allowed to repair the +cloister, and to find a shelter also within its walls. They were set to +work at making brick, the material for which my grandfather had discovered +on his land: and, in about five years, an institution was built, the more +valuable from the fact that none lived there on charity, but all earned +what they needed by cultivating the ground; having first built their own +dwelling, which, at this time, looked like a palace, surrounded by trees, +grass, and flowers. Here, in the evening, the old soldiers sung martial +songs, or told stories of the wars to the orphans gathered about them, +while resting from the labors of the day. + +I tell you of this institution so minutely, to prove to you how wrong it +is to provide charitable homes for the poor as we provide them,--homes in +which the charity always humiliates and degrades the individual. Here you +have an instance in which poor crippled invalids and destitute women and +children established and supported themselves, under the guidance of a +clear-headed, benevolent man, who said, "Do what you like, but work for +what you need." He succeeded admirably, though he died a very poor man; +his younger children becoming inmates of the establishment, until they +were adopted by their relatives. + +When I visited my grandfather, the "convent," as he insisted on calling +it,--rejecting any name that would have indicated a charitable +institution,--contained about a hundred invalid soldiers, a hundred old +women, and two hundred and fifty orphans. One of the wings of the building +was fitted up as a hospital, and a few of the rooms were occupied by +lunatics. It was my greatest delight to take my grandfather's hand at +noon, as he walked up and down the dining-room, between the long tables, +around which were grouped so many cheerful, hearty faces; and I stood +before him with an admiration that it is impossible to describe, as he +prayed, with his black velvet cap in his hand, before and after dinner; +though I could not comprehend why he should thank another person for what +had been done, when every one there told me that all that they had they +owed to my grandfather. + +One afternoon, on returning from the dining-room to his study, I spied on +his desk a neatly written manuscript. I took it up, and began to read. It +was a dissertation on immortality, attempting by scientific arguments to +prove its impossibility. I became greatly interested, and read on without +noticing that my grandfather had left the room, nor that the large bell +had rung to call the family to dinner. My grandfather, a very punctual +man, who would never allow lingering, came back to call and to reprimand +me; when he suddenly started on seeing the paper in my hands, and, +snatching it from me, tore it in pieces, exclaiming, "That man is insane, +and will make this child so too!" A little frightened, I went to the +dinner-table, thinking as much about my grandfather's words as about what +I had read; without daring, however, to ask who this man was. The next +day, curiosity mastered fear. I asked my grandfather who had written that +paper; and was told, in reply, that it was poor crazy Jacob. I then begged +to see him; but this my grandfather decidedly refused, saying that he was +like a wild beast, and lay, without clothes, upon the straw. I knew +nothing of lunatics; and the idea of a wild man stimulated my curiosity to +such an extent, that, from that time, I teased my grandfather incessantly +to let me see Jacob, until he finally yielded, to be rid of my +importunity, and led me to the cell in which he was confined. What a +spectacle presented itself in the house that I had looked on as the abode +of so much comfort! On a bundle of straw, in a corner of a room, with no +furniture save its bare walls, sat a man, clad only in a shirt; with the +left hand chained to the wall, and the right foot to the floor. An +inkstand stood on the floor by his side; and on his knee was some paper, +on which he was writing. His hair and beard were uncombed, and his fine +eyes glared with fury as we approached him. He tried to rise, ground his +teeth, made grimaces, and shook his fist at my grandfather, who tried in +vain to draw me out of the room. But, escaping from his grasp, I stepped +towards the lunatic, who grew more quiet when he saw me approach; and I +tried to lift the chain, which had attracted my attention. Then, finding +it too heavy for me, I turned to my grandfather and asked, "Does not this +hurt the poor man?" I had hardly spoken the words when his fury returned, +and he shrieked,-- + +"Have I not always told you that you were cruel to me? Must this child +come to convince you of your barbarity? Yes: you have no heart." + +I looked at my grandfather: all my admiration of him was gone; and I said, +almost commandingly,--"Take off these chains! It is bad of you to tie this +man!" + +The man grew calm at once, and asked imploringly to be set free; +promising to be quiet and tractable if my grandfather would give him a +trial. This was promised him: his chains were removed the same day; and +Jacob was ever after not only harmless and obedient, but also a very +useful man in the house. + +I never afterwards accompanied my grandfather. I had discovered a side in +his nature which repelled me. I spent the remainder of my visit in the +workrooms and the sickroom, always secretly fearing that I should meet +with some new cruelty; but no such instance ever came to my view. + +On my return from my grandfather's, I found that a cousin had suddenly +become blind. She was soon after sent to the ophthalmic hospital, where +she remained for more than a year; and, during this time, I was her +constant companion after school-hours. I was anxious to be useful to her; +and, being gentler than the nurse, she liked to have me wash out the +issues that were made in her back and arms. The nurse, who was very +willing to be relieved of the duty, allowed me to cleanse the eyes of the +girl next my cousin; and thus these cares were soon made to depend on my +daily visit. Child as I was, I could not help observing the carelessness +of the nurses, and their great neglect of cleanliness. One day, when the +head-nurse had washed the floor, leaving pools of water standing under the +beds, the under-nurse found fault with it, and said, "I shall tell the +doctor, when he comes, why it is that the patients always have colds." +"Do," said the head-nurse. "What do men understand of such matters? If +they knew any thing about them, they would long ago have taken care that +the mattress upon which one patient dies should always be changed before +another comes in." This quarrel impressed itself upon my memory; and the +wish rose in my mind, that some day I might be head-nurse, to prevent such +wrongs, and to show kindness to the poor lunatics. + +At the end of the year, my cousin left the hospital At the same time, +trouble and constant sickness fell upon our family. My father, who held +liberal opinions and was of an impetuous temperament manifested some +revolutionary tendencies, which drew upon him the displeasure of the +government and caused his dismissal, with a very small pension, from his +position as military officer. This involved us in great pecuniary +difficulties; for our family was large, and my father's income too small +to supply the most necessary wants; while to obtain other occupation for +the time was out of the question In this emergency, my mother determined +to petition the city government for admission to the school of midwives +established in Berlin, in order in this manner to aid in the support of +the family. Influential friends of my father secured her the election; and +she was admitted to the school in 1839, I being at that time ten years of +age. + +The education of midwives for Berlin requires a two years' course of +study, during six months of which they are obliged to reside in the +hospital, to receive instructions from the professors together with the +male students. My mother went there in the summer of 1840. I went to stay +at the house of an aunt, who wished my company; and the rest of the +children were put out to board together. + +In a few weeks, my eyes became affected with weakness, so that I could +neither read nor write; and I begged my mother to let me stay with her in +the hospital. She applied for permission to the director, and received a +favorable answer. I was placed under the care of one of the physicians +(Dr. Müller), who took a great fancy to me, and made me go with him +wherever he went while engaged in the hospital. My eyes being bandaged, he +led me by the hand, calling me his "little blind doctor." In this way I +was constantly with him, hearing all his questions and directions, which +impressed themselves the more strongly on my mind from the fact that I +could not see, but had to gain all my knowledge through hearing alone. + +One afternoon, when I had taken the bandage off my eyes for the first +time, Dr. Muller told me that there was a corpse of a young man to be seen +in the dead-house, that had turned completely green in consequence of +poison that he had eaten. I went there after my rounds with him: but +finding the room filled with relatives, who were busily engaged in +adorning the body with flowers, I thought that I would not disturb them, +but would wait until they had gone before I looked at it; and went +meanwhile through the adjoining rooms. These were all freshly painted. The +dissecting-tables, with the necessary apparatus, stood in the centre; +while the bodies, clad in white gowns, were ranged on boards along the +walls. I examined every thing; came back, and looked to my heart's content +at the poisoned young man, without noticing that not only the relatives +had left, but that the prosector had also gone away, after locking up the +whole building I then went a second time to the other rooms, and looked +again at every thing there; and at last, when it became dark and I could +not leave the house, sat down upon the floor, and went to sleep, after +knocking for half an hour at the door, in the hope that some passer might +hear. + +My mother, who knew that I had gone with Dr. Müller, did not trouble +herself about me until nine o'clock, when she grew uneasy at my stay; and, +thinking that he might have taken me to his rooms, went there in search of +me, but found that he was out, and that the doors were locked. She then +inquired of the people in the house whether they knew any thing about me, +and was told that they had last seen me going into the dead-house. Alarmed +at this intelligence, my mother hastened to the prosector, who unwillingly +went with her to the park in which the dead-house stood, assuring her all +the way that I could not possibly be there; when, on opening the door, he +saw me sitting close by, on the floor, fast asleep. + +In a few days after this adventure, I recovered the use of my eyes. As it +was at this time the summer vacation, in which I had no school-tasks, I +asked Dr. Müller for some books to read. He inquired what kind of books I +wanted. I told him, "Books about history;" upon which he gave me two huge +volumes,--The "History of Midwifery" and the "History of Surgery." Both +were so interesting that I read them through during the six weeks of +vacation; which occupied me so closely that even my friend Dr. Müller +could not lay hold of me when he went his morning and evening rounds. From +this time I date my study of medicine; for, though I did not continue to +read upon the subject, I was instructed in the no less important branch of +psychology by a new teacher, whom I found on my return to school at the +close of the summer vacation. + +To explain better how my mind was prepared for such teaching, I must go +back to my position in school. In both schools that I attended, I was +praised for my punctuality, industry, and quick perception. Beloved I was +in neither: on the contrary, I was made the target for all the impudent +jokes of my fellow-pupils; ample material for which was furnished in the +carelessness with which my hair and dress were usually arranged; these +being left to the charge of a servant, who troubled herself very little +about how I looked, provided that I was whole and clean. The truth was, I +often presented a ridiculous appearance; and once I could not help +laughing heartily at myself, on seeing my own face by accident in a +glass, with one braid of hair commencing over the right eye, and the other +over the left ear. I quietly hung a map over the glass to hide the +ludicrous picture, and continued my studies; and most likely appeared in +the same style the next day. My face, besides, was neither handsome, nor +even prepossessing; a large nose overshadowing the undeveloped features: +and I was ridiculed for my ugliness, both in school and at home, where an +aunt of mine, who disliked me exceedingly, always said, in describing +plain people, "Almost as ugly as Marie." + +Another cause arose to render my position at school still more +intolerable. In consequence of the loss of his position in the army, my +father could no longer afford to pay my school-bills; and was about, in +consequence, to remove me from school; when the principal offered to +retain me without pay, although she disliked me, and did not hesitate to +show it, any more than to tell me, whenever I offended her, that she would +never keep so ugly and naughty a child _without being paid for it_, were +it not for the sake of so noble a father. + +These conditions and harsh judgments made me a philosopher. I heard myself +called obstinate and wilful, only because I believed myself in the right, +and persisted in it. I felt that I was not maliciously disposed towards +any one, but wished well to all; and I offered my services not only +willingly, but cheerfully, wherever they could be of the least use; and +saw them accepted, and even demanded, by those who could not dispense with +them, though they shunned and ridiculed me the same as before. I felt that +they only sought me when they needed me: this made me shrink still more +from their companionship; and, when my sister did not walk home from +school with me, I invariably went alone. + +The idea that I might not wish to attach myself to playmates of this sort +never occurred to any one; but I was constantly reproached with having no +friends among my schoolfellows, and was told that no one could love so +disagreeable and repelling a child. This was a severe blow to my +affectionate nature; but I bore it calmly, consoling myself with the +thought that they were wrong,--that they did not understand me,--and that +the time would come, when they would learn that a great, warm heart was +concealed beneath the so-called repulsive exterior. But, however soothing +all this was for the time, a feeling of bitterness grew up within me. I +began to be provoked at my ugliness, which I believed to be excessive. I +speculated why parents so kind and good as mine should be deprived of +their means of support, merely because my father would not consent to +endure wrong and imposition. I was indignant at being told, that it was +only for my father's sake that I was retained in a school where I tried to +do my best, and where I always won the highest prizes; and I could not see +why, at home, I should be forced to do housework when I wanted to read, +while my brother, who wished to work, was compelled to study. When I +complained of this last grievance, I was told that I was a girl, and never +could learn much, but was only fit to become a housekeeper. All these +things threw me upon my own resources, and taught me to make the most of +every opportunity, custom and habit to the contrary notwithstanding. + +It was at this juncture that I found, on my return to school, the +psychologic instructor of whom I have spoken, in a newly engaged teacher +of history, geography, and arithmetic; all of which were my favorite +studies. With this man I formed a most peculiar friendship: he being +twenty years older than myself, and in every respect a highly educated +man; I, a child of twelve, neglected in every thing except in my +common-school education. He began by calling my attention to the +carelessness of my dress and the rudeness of my manners, and was the first +one who ever spoke kindly to me on the subject. I told him all my +thoughts; that I did not mean to be disagreeable, but that every one +thought that I could not be otherwise; that I was convinced that I was +good enough at heart; and that I had at last resigned myself to my +position, as something that could not be helped. My new friend lectured me +on the necessity of attracting others by an agreeable exterior and +courteous manners; and proved to me that I had unconsciously repelled them +by my carelessness, even when trying the most to please. His words made a +deep impression on me. I thanked him for every reproach, and strove to do +my best to gain his approbation. Henceforth my hair was always carefully +combed, my dress nicely arranged, and my collar in its place; and, as I +always won the first prizes in the school, two of the other teachers soon +grew friendly towards me, and began to manifest their preference quite +strongly. In a few months I became a different being. The bitterness that +had been growing up within me gradually disappeared; and I began to have +confidence in myself, and to try to win the companionship of the other +children. But a sudden change took place in my schoolmates, who grew +envious of the preference shown me by the teachers. Since they could no +longer ridicule me for the carelessness of my dress, they now began to +reproach me for my vanity, and to call me a coquette, who only thought of +pleasing through appearances. This blow was altogether too hard for me to +bear. I knew that they were wrong: for, with all the care I bestowed on my +dress, it was not half so fine as theirs; as I had but two calico dresses, +which I wore alternately, a week at a time, through the summer. I was +again repelled from them; and at noon, when the rest of the scholars went +home, I remained with my teacher-friend in the schoolroom, assisting him +in correcting the exercises of the pupils. I took the opportunity to tell +him of the curious envy that had taken possession of the girls; upon which +he began to explain to me human nature and its fallacies, drawing +inferences therefrom for personal application. He found a ready listener +in me. My inclination to abstract thought, combined with the unpleasant +experience I had had in life, made me an attentive pupil, and fitted me to +comprehend his reasoning in the broadest sense. For fifteen months, I thus +spent the noon-hour with him in the schoolroom; receiving lessons in and +reasoning upon concrete and abstract matters, that have since proved of +far more psychologic value to me than ten years of reading on the same +subjects could do. A strong attachment grew up between us: he became a +necessity to me, and I revered him like an oracle. But his health failed; +and he left the school at the end of these fifteen months, in a +consumption. Shortly after, he sent to the school for me one morning to +ask me to visit him on his deathbed. I was not permitted to leave the +class until noon; when, just as I was preparing to go, a messenger came to +inform the principal that he had died at eleven. This blow fell so heavily +upon me, that I wished to leave the school at once. I was forced to stay +three weeks longer, until the end of the quarter; when I left the +schoolroom on the 1st of April, 1843, at the age of thirteen years and +seven months, and never entered it again. + +On the same day that I quitted my school, an aunt, with whom I was a +favorite, was attacked with a violent hemorrhage from the lungs, and +wished me to come to stay with her. This suited my taste. I went; and, for +a fortnight, was her sole nurse. + +Upon my return home, my father told me, that, having quitted school, I +must now become a thorough housekeeper, of whom he might be proud; as this +was the only thing for which girls were intended by nature. I cheerfully +entered upon my new apprenticeship, and learned how to sweep, to scrub, to +wash, and to cook. This work answered very well as long as the novelty +lasted; but, as soon as this wore off, it became highly burdensome. Many a +forenoon, when I was alone, instead of sweeping and dusting, I passed the +hours in reading books from my father's library, until it grew so late, +that I was afraid that my mother, who had commenced practice, would come +home, and scold me for not attending to my work; when I would hurry to get +through, doing every thing so badly, that I had to hear daily that I was +good for nothing, and a nuisance in the world; and that it was not at all +surprising that I was not liked in school, for nobody could ever like or +be satisfied with me. + +Meanwhile, my mother's practice gradually increased; and her generous and +kindly nature won the confidence of hundreds, who, wretchedly poor, found +in her, not only a humane woman, but a most skilful practitioner. The poor +are good judges of professional qualifications. Without the aid that +money can buy, without the comforts that the wealthy hardly heed, and +without friends whose advice is prompted by intelligence, they must depend +entirely upon the skill and humanity of those to whom they apply. Their +life and happiness are placed in the hands of the physician, and they +jealously regard the one to whom they intrust them. None but a good +practitioner can gain fame and praise in this class, which is thought so +easily satisfied. It is often said, "Oh! those people are poor, and will +be glad of any assistance." Far from it. There is no class so entirely +dependent for their subsistence upon their strength and health; these +constitute their sole capital, their stock in trade: and, when sick, they +anxiously seek out the best physicians; for, if unskilfully attended, they +may lose their all, their fortune, and their happiness. + +My mother went everywhere, both night and day; and it soon came to pass, +that when she was sent for, and was not at home, I was deputed to go in +search of her. In this way I gradually became a regular appendage to my +mother; going with her in the winter nights from place to place, and +visiting those whom she could not visit during the day. I remember that in +January, 1845, my mother attended thirty-five women in childbed,--the list +of names is still in my possession,--and visited from sixteen to +twenty-five daily, with my assistance. I do not think, that, during the +month, we were in bed for one whole night. Two-thirds of these patients +were unable to pay a cent. During these years, I learned all of life that +it was possible for a human being to learn. I saw nobleness in dens, and +meanness in palaces; virtue among prostitutes, and vice among so-called +respectable women. I learned to judge human nature correctly; to see +goodness where the world found nothing but faults, and also to see faults +where the world could see nothing but virtue. The experience thus gained +cost me the bloom of youth; yet I would not exchange it for a life of +everlasting juvenescence. To keep up appearances is the aim of every one's +life; but to fathom these appearances, and judge correctly of what is +beneath them, ought to be the aim of those who seek to draw true +conclusions from life, or to benefit others by real sympathy. + +One fact I learned, both at this time and afterwards; namely, that men +always sympathize with fallen and wretched women, while women themselves +are the first to raise and cast the stone at them. Why is this? Have not +women as much feeling as men? Why, women are said to be made up entirely +of feeling. How does it happen, then, that women condemn where men pity? +Do they do this in the consciousness of their own superior virtue? Ah, no! +for many of the condemning are no better than the condemned. The reason +is, that men know the world; that is, they know the obstacles in the path +of life, and that they draw lines to exclude women from earning an honest +livelihood, while they throw opportunities in their way to earn their +bread by shame. All men are aware of this: therefore the good as well as +the bad give pity to those that claim it. It is my honest and earnest +conviction, that the reason that men are unwilling for women to enter upon +public or business life is, not so much the fear of competition, or the +dread lest women should lose their gentleness, and thus deprive society of +this peculiar charm, as the fact that they are ashamed of the foulness of +life which exists outside of the house and home. The good man knows that +it is difficult to purify it: the bad man does not wish to be disturbed in +his prey upon society. If I could but give to all women the tenth part of +my experience, they would see that this is true; and would see, besides, +that only faith in ourselves and in each other is needed to work a +reformation. Let woman enter fully into business, with its serious +responsibilities and duties; let it be made as honorable and as profitable +to her as to men; let her have an equal opportunity for earning competence +and comfort,--and we shall need no other purification of society. Men are +no more depraved than women; or, rather, the total depravity of mankind is +a lie. + +From the time of my leaving school until I was fifteen years old, my life +was passed, as I have described, in doing housework, attending the sick +with my mother, and reading a few books of a scientific and literary +character. At the end of this time, a letter came from an aunt of my +mother's, who was ill, and whose adopted daughter (who was my mother's +sister) was also an invalid, requesting me to visit and nurse them. I went +there in the fall. This was probably the most decisive event of my life. +My great-aunt had a cancer that was to be taken out. The other was +suffering from a nervous affection, which rendered her a confirmed +invalid. She was a most peculiar woman, and was a clairvoyant and +somnambulist of the most decided kind. Though not ill-natured, she was +full of caprices that would have exhausted the patience of the most +enduring of mortals. + +This aunt of mine had been sick in bed for seven years with a nervous +derangement, which baffled the most skilful physicians who had visited +her. Her senses were so acute, that one morning she fell into convulsions +from the effect of distant music which she heard. None of us could +perceive it, and we fully believed that her imagination had produced this +result. But she insisted upon it; telling us that the music was like that +of the Bohemian miners, who played nothing but polkas. I was determined to +ascertain the truth; and really found, that, in a public garden one and a +half miles from her house, such a troop had played all the afternoon. No +public music was permitted in the city, because the magistrate had +forbidden it on her account. + +She never was a Spiritualist, though she frequently went into what is now +called a trance. She spoke, wrote, sang, and had presentiments of the +finest kind, in this condition,--far better than I have ever seen here in +America in the case of the most celebrated mediums. + +She even prescribed for herself with success, yet was not a Spiritualist. +She was a somnambulist; and, though weak enough when awake, threatened +several times to pull the house down, by her violence in this condition. +She had strength like a lion, and no man could manage her. I saw the same +thing in the hospital later. This aunt is now healthy; not cured by her +own prescriptions or the magnetic or infinitesimal doses of Dr. Arthur +Lutze, but by a strong emotion which took possession of her at the time of +my great-aunt's death. She is not sorry that she has lost all these +strange powers, but heartily glad of it. When she afterwards visited us in +Berlin, she could speak calmly and quietly of the perversion to which the +nervous system may become subject, if managed wrongly; and could not tell +how glad she was to be rid of all the emotions and notions she had been +compelled to dream out. Over-care and over-anxiety had brought this about; +and the same causes could again bring on a condition which the ancients +deemed holy, and which the psychologist treats as one bordering on +insanity. + +The old aunt was extremely suspicious and avaricious. Eight weeks after my +arrival, she submitted to an operation. The operating surgeon found me so +good an assistant, that he intrusted me often with the succeeding dressing +of the wound. For six weeks, I was the sole nurse of the two; going from +one room to the other both night and day, and attending to the household +matters beside, with no other assistant than a woman who came every +morning for an hour or two to do the rough work; while an uncle and a +boy-cousin were continually troubling me with their torn buttons, &c. + +I learned in this time to be cheerful and light-hearted in all +circumstances; going often into the anteroom to have a healthy, hearty +laugh. My surroundings were certainly any thing but inspiring. I had the +sole responsibility of the two sick women; the one annoying me with her +caprices, the other with her avarice. In one room, I heard fanciful +forebodings; in the other, reproaches for having used a teaspoonful too +much sugar. I always had to carry the key of the storeroom to the old +aunt, in order that she might be sure that I could not go in and eat bread +when I chose. At the end of six weeks, she died; and I put on mourning for +the only time in my life, certainly not through grief. + +Shortly after the death of my aunt, the attending physician introduced me +to a disciple of Hahnemann by the name of Arthur Lutze; who was, I think, +a doctor of philosophy,--certainly not of medicine. Besides being an +infinitesimal homeopathist this man was a devotee to mesmerism. He became +very friendly towards me, and supplied me with books; telling me that I +would not only make a good homeopathic physician, but also an excellent +medium for mesmerism, magnetism, &c. At all events, I was glad to get the +books, which I read industriously; while he constantly supplied me with +new ones, so that I had quite a library when he left the place, which he +did before my return. He, too, lived in Berlin, and inquired my residence; +promising to visit me there, and to teach me the art he practised. + +I remained with my aunt until late in the spring; when my health failed, +and I returned home. I was very ill for a time with brain-fever; but at +last recovered, and set to work industriously to search for information in +respect to the human body. Dr. Lutze kept his word: he visited me at my +home, gave me more books, and directed my course of reading. But my +father, who had become reconciled to my inclination to assist my mother, +was opposed to homoeopathy, and especially opposed to Dr. Arthur Lutze. He +even threatened to turn him out of the house, if I permitted him to visit +me again; and burned all my books, except one that I snatched from the +flames. + +From this time, I was resolved to learn all that I could about the human +system. I read all the books on the subject that I could get, and tried +besides to educate myself in other branches. My father was satisfied with +this disposition, and was glad to hear me propose to have a French teacher +in the house, both for my sake and for that of the other children. I +studied in good earnest by myself at the same time, going through the +usual discipline of German girls. I learned plain sewing, dress-making and +the management of the household; but was allowed to use my leisure time as +I pleased. When my sisters went skating, I remained at home to study; when +they went to balls and theatres, I was thought the proper person to stay +to watch the house. Having become so much older, I was now of great +assistance to my mother in her business. No one complained any longer of +my ugliness or my rudeness. I was always busy; and, when at liberty, +always glad to do what I could for others; and, though these years were +full of hardships, I consider them among the happiest of my life. I was as +free as it was possible for any German girl to be. + +My household duties, however, continued distasteful to me, much to the +annoyance of my father, who still contended that this was the only sphere +of woman. From being so much with my mother, I had lost all taste for +domestic life: any thing out of doors was preferable to the monotonous +routine of the household. I at length determined to follow my inclinations +by studying, in order to fit myself to become a practitioner of midwifery, +as is usual in Berlin. My father was satisfied, and pleased with this +idea, which opened the way to an independent respectable livelihood; for +he never really wished to have us seek this in marriage. My mother did not +like my resolution at all. She practised, not because she liked the +profession, but because in this way she obtained the means of being +independent and of aiding in the education of the children. I persisted, +however, in my resolution; and immediately took measures to carry it into +effect by going directly to Dr. Joseph Hermann Schmidt, the Professor of +Midwifery in the University and Schools for Midwives, and Director of the +Royal Hospital Charité; while my father, who for several years held the +position of a civil officer, made the application to the city magistrates +for me to be admitted as a pupil to the School for Midwives in which my +mother had been educated. In order to show the importance of this step, it +is necessary to explain more fully the history and organization of the +school. + +About 1735, Justina Ditrichin (the wife of Siegemund, a distinguished +civil officer of Prussia) was afflicted with an internal disease which +baffled the skill of the midwives, who had pronounced her pregnant, and +none of whom could define her disorder. After many months of suffering, +she was visited by the wife of a poor soldier, who told her what ailed +her; in consequence of which, she was cured by her physicians. This +circumstance awakened in the mind of the lady an intense desire to study +midwifery; which she did, and afterwards practised it with such success, +that, in consequence of her extensive practice, she was obliged to confine +herself solely to irregular cases. She performed all kinds of operations +with masterly skill, and wrote the first book on the subject ever +published in Germany by a woman. She was sent for from all parts of +Germany, and was appointed body-physician of the Queen, and the ladies of +the court, of Prussia and Mark Brandenburg. Through her influence, schools +were established, in which women were instructed in the science and the +art of obstetrics. She also taught many herself; and a very successful and +respectable practice soon grew up among women. After her death, however, +this was discountenanced by the physicians, who brought it into such +disrepute by their ridicule, that the educated class of women withdrew +from the profession, leaving it in the hands of ignorant pretenders, who +continued to practise it until 1818; when public attention was called to +the subject, and strict laws were enacted, by which women were required to +call in a male practitioner in every irregular case of confinement, under +penalty of from one to twenty years of imprisonment, and the forfeiture of +the right to practise. These laws still continue in force; and a +remarkable case is recorded by Dr. Schmidt of a woman, who, feeling her +own competency to manage a case committed to her care, _did not_ send for +a male physician as the law required. Although it was fully proved that +she had done every thing that could have been done in the case, her +penalty was imprisonment for twenty years. Two other cases are quoted by +Dr. Schmidt, in which male practitioners were summoned before a legal +tribunal, and it was proved that they _had not_ done that which was +necessary; yet their penalty was no heavier than that inflicted on the +woman, who had done exactly what she ought. + +At this time (1818), it was also made illegal for any woman to practise +who had not been educated. This brought the profession again into repute +among women of the higher classes. A school for midwives, supported by +the government, was established in Berlin, in which women have since +continued to be educated for practice in this city and in other parts of +Prussia. Two midwives are elected each year, by a committee, from the +applicants, to be educated for practice in Berlin; and, as they have to +study two years, there are always four of these students in the school, +two graduating every year. The remainder of the students are from the +provincial districts. To be admitted to this school is considered a stroke +of good fortune; as there are generally more than a hundred applicants, +many of whom have to wait eight or ten years before they are elected. +There is, besides, a great deal of favoritism; those women being generally +chosen who are the widows or wives of civil officers or physicians; to +whom this chance of earning a livelihood is given, in order that they may +not become a burden on the government. Though educated apart from the male +students while studying the theory of midwifery, they attend the +accouchement-ward together, and receive clinical or practical instruction +in the same class, from the same professor. + +The male students of medicine are admitted to the university at the age of +eighteen; having first been required to go through a prescribed course of +collegiate study, and to pass the requisite examination. Here they attend +the lectures of various professors, often of four or five upon the same +subject, in order to learn how it is treated from different points of +view. Then, after having thus studied for a certain length of time, they +present themselves for an examination by the professors of the university, +which confers upon them the title of "M.D.," without the right to +practise. They are then obliged to prepare for what is called the State's +examination, before a Board of the most distinguished men in the +profession appointed to this place by the government: these also +constitute the medical court. Of this number, Dr. Schmidt was one. + +Dr. Schmidt approved my resolution, and expressed himself warmly in favor +of it. He also recommended to me a course of reading, to be commenced at +once, as a kind of preliminary education; and, although he had no +influence with the committee of the city government who examined and +elected the pupils, he promised to call upon some of them, and urge my +election. But, despite his recommendation and my father's position as +civil officer, I received a refusal, on the grounds that I was much too +young (being only eighteen), and that I was unmarried. The latter fault I +did not try to remove; the former I corrected daily; and, when I was +nineteen, I repeated my application, and received the same reply. During +this time, Dr. Schmidt became more and more interested in me personally. +He promised that he would do all in his power to have me chosen the next +year; while, during this time, he urged me to read and study as much as +possible, in order to become fully acquainted with the subject. As usual, +I continued to assist my mother in visiting her patients, and thus had a +fine opportunity for explaining to myself many things which the mere study +of books left in darkness. In fact, these years of preliminary practical +study were more valuable to me than all the lectures that I ever listened +to afterwards. Full of zeal and enthusiasm, and stimulated by a friend +whose position and personal acquirements inspired me with reverence and +devotion, I thought of nothing else than how to prepare myself in such a +way that I should not disappoint him nor those to whom he had commended +me. Dr. Schmidt was consumptive, and almost an invalid; often having to +lecture in a reclining position. The author of many valuable medical +works, and director of the largest hospital in Prussia (the Charité of +Berlin), he found a most valuable assistant in his wife,--one of the +noblest women that ever lived. She was always with him, except in the +lecture-room; and almost all of his works are said to have been written by +her from his dictation. This had inspired him with the highest possible +respect for women. He had the utmost faith in their powers when rightly +developed, and always declared their intellectual capacity to be the same +with that of men. This belief inspired him with the desire to give me an +education superior to that of the common midwives; and, at the same time, +to reform the school of midwives by giving to it a professor of its own +sex. To this position he had in his own mind already elected me; but, +before I could take it, I had to procure a legitimate election from the +city to the school as pupil; while, during my attendance he had to +convince the government of the necessity of such a reform, as well as to +bring over the medical profession: which was not so easily done; for many +men were waiting already for Dr. Schmidt's death in order to obtain this +very post, which was considered valuable. + +When I was twenty, I received my third refusal. Dr. Schmidt, whose health +was failing rapidly, had exerted himself greatly to secure my admission; +and the medical part of the committee had promised him that they would +give me their vote: but some theological influence was set to work to +elect one of the deaconesses in my stead, that she might be educated for +the post of superintendent of the lying-in ward of the hospital, which was +under Dr. Schmidt's care. She also was rejected, in order not to offend +Dr. Schmidt; but for this he would not thank them. No sooner had I carried +him the letter of refusal than he ordered his carriage, and, proceeding to +the royal palace, obtained an audience of the king; to whom he related the +refusal of the committee to elect me, on the ground that I was too young +and unmarried, and entreated of him a cabinet order which should compel +the city to admit me to the school; adding, that he saw no reason why +Germany, as well as France, should not have and be proud of a La Chapelle. +The king, who held Dr. Schmidt in high esteem, gave him at once the +desired order; and I became legally the student of my friend: though his +praise procured me intense vexation; for my name was dropped entirely, and +I was only spoken of as La Chapelle the Second; which would by no means +have been unpleasant had I earned the title; but to receive it sneeringly +in advance, before having been allowed to make my appearance publicly, was +indeed unbearable. + +On the third day after his visit to the king, Dr. Schmidt received me into +the class, and introduced me to it as his future assistant teacher. This +announcement was as surprising to me as to the class; but I took it +quietly, thinking that, if Dr. Schmidt did not consider me fit for the +place, he would not risk being attacked for it by the profession _en +masse_, by whom he was watched closely. + +On the same day, a little incident occurred which I must mention. In the +evening, instead of going alone to the class for practical instruction, I +accompanied Dr. Schmidt at his request. We entered the hall where his +assistant, the chief physician, had already commenced his instructions. +Dr. Schmidt introduced me to him as his private pupil, to whom he wished +him to give particular attention; ending by giving my name. The physician +hurriedly came up to me, and grasped my hand, exclaiming, "Why, this is my +little blind doctor!" I looked at him, and recognized the very Dr. Müller +with whom I used to make the rounds of the hospital when twelve years old, +and who had since risen to the position of chief physician. This +rencontre, and the interest that he manifested afterwards greatly +relieved Dr. Schmidt, who had feared that he would oppose me, instead of +giving me any special aid. During this winter's study, I spent the most of +the time in the hospital, being almost constantly at the side of Dr. +Schmidt. I certainly made the most of every opportunity; and I scarcely +believe it possible for any student to learn more in so short a time than +I did during this winter. I was continually busy; acting even as nurse, +whenever I could learn any thing by it. During the following summer, I was +obliged to reside wholly in the hospital; this being a part of the +prescribed education. Here I became acquainted with all the different +wards, and had a fine opportunity to watch the cases by myself. In the +mean time, Dr. Schmidt's illness increased so rapidly, that he feared to +die before his plans in respect to me had been carried out; especially as +the state of his health had compelled him to give up his position as Chief +Director of the Hospital Charité. His design was to make me chief +accoucheuse in the hospital, and to surrender into my hands his position +as professor in the School for Midwives, so that I might have the entire +charge of the midwives education. The opposition to this plan was +twofold: firstly, the theological influence that sought to place the +deaconess (Sister Catherine) in the position of house-midwife; and, +secondly, the younger part of the profession, many of whom were anxious +for the post of professor in the School for Midwives, which never would +have been suffered to fall into the hands of Sister Catherine. Dr. +Schmidt, however, was determined to yield to neither. Personal pride +demanded that he should succeed in his plan; and several of the older and +more influential members of the profession took his part, among whom were +Johannes Müller, Busch, Müller, Kilian, &c. During the second winter, his +lecturing in the class was only nominal; often nothing more than naming +the heads of the subjects, while I had to give the real instruction. His +idea was to make me feel the full responsibility of such a position, and, +at the same time, to give me a chance to do the work that he had declared +me pre-eminently capable of doing. This was an intrigue; but he could not +have it otherwise. He did not intend that I should perform his duty for +his benefit, but for my own. He wished to show to the government the fact +that I had done the work of a man like himself, and done it well; and +that, if he had not told them of his withdrawal, no one would have +recognized his absence from the result. + +At the close of this term, I was obliged to pass my examination at the +same time with the fifty-six students who composed the class. Dr. Schmidt +invited some of the most prominent medical men to be present, besides +those appointed as the examining committee. He informed me of this on the +day before the examination, saying, "I want to convince them that you can +do better than half of the young men at _their_ examination." + +The excitement of this day I can hardly describe. I had not only to appear +before a body of strangers, of whose manner of questioning I had no idea, +but also before half a dozen authorities in the profession, assembled +especially for criticism. Picture to yourself my position: standing before +the table at which were seated the three physicians composing the +examining committee, questioning me all the while in the most perplexing +manner, with four more of the highest standing on each side,--making +eleven in all; Dr. Schmidt a little way off, anxious that I should prove +true all that he had said in praise of me; and the rest of the class in +the background, filling up the large hall. It was terrible. The trifling +honor of being considered capable was rather dearly purchased. I went +through the whole hour bravely, without missing a single question; until +finally the clock struck twelve, when every thing suddenly grew black +before my eyes, and the last question sounded like a humming noise in my +ear. I answered it--how I know not,--and was permitted to sit down and +rest for fifteen minutes before I was called to the practical examination +on the manikin. I gave satisfaction to all, and received the diploma of +the first degree. This by no means ended the excitement. The students of +the year were next examined. This examination continued for a week; after +which the diplomas were announced, when it was found that never before had +there been so many of the first degree, and so few of the third. Dr. +Schmidt then made it known that this was the result of my exertions, and I +was pronounced _a very capable woman_. + +This acknowledgment having been made by the medical men present at the +examination, Dr. Schmidt thought it would be an easy matter to get me +installed into the position for which I had proved myself capable. But +such could not be the case in a government ruled by hypocrisy and +intrigue. To acknowledge the capability of a woman did not by any means +say that she was at liberty to hold a position in which she could exercise +this capability. German men are educated to be slaves to the government: +positive freedom is comprehended only by a few. They generally struggle +for a kind of negative freedom; namely, for themselves: for each man, +however much he may be inclined to show his subserviency to those superior +in rank, thinks himself the lord of creation; and, of course, regards +woman only as his appendage. How can this lord of creation, being a slave +himself, look upon the _free development_ and _demand of recognition_ of +his appendage otherwise than as a nonsense, or usurpation of his exclusive +rights? And among these lords of creation I heartily dislike that class +which not only yield to the influence brought upon them by government, but +who also possess an infinite amount of narrowness and vanity, united to as +infinite servility to money and position. There is not ink and paper +enough in all the world to write down the contempt I feel for men in whose +power it is to be free in thought and noble in action, and who act to the +contrary to feed their ambition or their purses. I have learned, perhaps, +too much of their spirit for my own good. + +You can hardly believe what I experienced, in respect to intrigue, within +the few months following my examination. All the members of the medical +profession were unwilling that a woman should take her place on a level +with them. All the diplomatists became fearful that Dr. Schmidt intended +to advocate the question of "woman's rights;" one of them exclaiming one +evening, in the heat of discussion, "For Heaven's sake! the Berlin women +are already wiser than all the men of Prussia: what will become of us if +we allow them to manifest it?" I was almost forgotten in the five months +during which the question was debated: it became more than a matter of +personal intrigue. The real question at stake was, "How shall women be +educated, and what is their true sphere?" and this was discussed with more +energy and spirit than ever has been done here in America. + +Scores of letters were written by Dr. Schmidt to convince the government +that a woman could really be competent to hold the position in question, +and that I had been pronounced so by the whole Faculty. The next objection +raised was that my father was known as holding revolutionary principles; +and to conquer this, cost a long discussion, with many interviews of the +officials with my father and Dr. Schmidt. The next thing urged was that I +was much _too young_; that it would be necessary, in the course of my +duties, to instruct the young men also; and that there was danger in our +thus being thrown together. In fact, this reason, read to me by Dr. +Schmidt from one of the letters written at this time (all of which are +still carefully preserved), runs thus: "To give this position to Miss M. +E. Zakrzewska is dangerous. She is a prepossessing young lady; and, from +coming in contact with so many gentlemen, must necessarily fall in love +with some one of them, and thus end her career." To this I have only to +reply, that I am sorry that I could not have found _one_ among them that +could have made me follow the suggestion. This objection however, seemed +for a while the most difficult to be met: for it was well known, that, +when a student myself, I had stood on the most friendly terms with my +fellow-students, and that they had often taken my part in little +disturbances that naturally came up in an establishment where no one was +permitted to enter or to leave without giving a reason, and where even my +private patients were sent away at the door because I did not know of +their coming, and could not announce to the doorkeeper the name and +residence of those who might possibly call. + +That this difficulty was finally conquered, I have to thank the students +themselves. My relation with these young men was of the pleasantest kind. +They never seemed to think that I was not of their sex, but always treated +me like one of themselves. I knew of their studies and their amusements; +yes, even, of the mischievous pranks that they were planning both for +college and for social life. They often made me their confidante in their +private affairs, and were more anxious for my approval or forgiveness than +for that of their relatives. I learned, during this time, how great is the +friendly influence of a woman even upon fast-living and licentious young +men; and this has done more to convince me of the necessity that the two +sexes should live together from infancy, than all the theories and +arguments that are brought to convince the mass of this fact. As soon as +it became known among the students that my youth was the new objection, +they treated it in such a manner that the whole thing was transformed into +a ridiculous bugbear, growing out of the imagination of the _virtuous_ +opposers. + +Nothing now seemed left in the way of my attaining to the position; when +suddenly it dawned upon the mind of some that I was irreligious; that +neither my father nor my mother attended church; and that, under such +circumstances, I could not, of course, be a church-goer. Fortunately, I +had complied with the requirements of the law, and could therefore bring +my certificate of confirmation from one of the Protestant churches. By the +advice of Dr. Schmidt, I commenced to attend church regularly, and +continued until a little incident happened which I must relate here. One +Sunday, just after the sermon was over, I remembered that I had forgotten +to give instructions to the nurse in respect to a patient, and left the +church without waiting for the end of the service. The next morning, I was +summoned to answer to the charge of leaving the church at an improper +time. The inquisitor (who was one of those who had accused me of +irreligion), being vexed that I contradicted him by going to church +regularly, was anxious to make me confess that I did not care for the +service: but I saw through his policy as well as his hypocrisy, and simply +told him the truth; namely, that I had forgotten important business, and +therefore thought it excusable to leave as soon as the sermon was over. +Whether he sought to lure me on to further avowals, I know not: but, +whatever was his motive, he asked me, in reply, whether I believed that +he cared for the humdrum custom of church-going and whether I thought him +imbecile enough to consider this as any thing more than the means by which +to keep the masses in check; adding, that it was the duty of the +intelligent to make the affair respectable by setting the example of going +themselves; and that he only wished me to act on this principle, when all +accusations of irreligion would fall to the ground. I had always known +that this man was not my friend: but, when I heard this, I felt +disenchanted with the whole world; for I had never thought him more than a +hypocrite, whereas I found him the meanest of Jesuits, both in theory and +practice. I was thoroughly indignant; the more so, since I felt guilty +myself in going to church simply to please Dr. Schmidt. I do not remember +what answer I gave; but I know that my manners and words made it evident +that I considered him a villain. He never forgave me this, as all his +future acts proved to me: for, in his position of chief director of the +hospital, he had it in his power, more than any one else, to annoy me; and +that he did so, you will presently see. + +The constant opposition and attendant excitement together with the +annoyances which my father, as civil officer, had to endure, made him +resolve to present a declaration to the government, that I should never, +with his consent, enter the position. He had become so tired of my efforts +to become a public character in my profession, that he suddenly conceived +the wish to have me married Now, take for a moment into consideration the +facts that I was but twenty-two years of age, full of sanguine enthusiasm +for my vocation, and strong in the friendship of Dr. Schmidt. He had +inspired me with the idea of a career different from the common routine of +domestic life. My mother, overcoming her repugnance to my entering my +profession, had been my best friend, encouraging me steadily; while my +father, yielding to the troubles that it involved, had become disgusted +with it, and wished me to abandon my career. He was stern, and would not +take back his word. I could do nothing without his consent; while Dr. +Schmidt had finally overcome all difficulties, and had the prospect of +victory if my father would but yield. A few weeks of this life were +sufficient to drive one mad, and I am sure that I was near becoming so. I +was resolved to run away from home or to kill myself while my father was +equally resolved to marry me to a man of whom I did not know the sight. +Matters finally came to a crisis through the illness of Dr. Schmidt, +whose health failed so rapidly, that it was thought dangerous to let him +be longer excited by the fear of not realizing his favorite scheme. Some +of his medical advisers influenced the government to appeal to my father +to withdraw his declaration; which, satisfied with the honor thus done +him, he did on the 1st of May, 1852. On the 15th of May, I received my +legal instalment to the position for which Dr. Schmidt had designed me. +The joy that I felt was great beyond expression. A youthful enthusiast of +twenty-two, I stood at the height of my wishes and expectations. I had +obtained what others only could obtain after the protracted labor of half +a lifetime; and already I saw myself in imagination occupying the place of +Dr. Schmidt's aspirations,--that of a German La Chapelle. No one, that has +not passed at the same age through the same excitement, can ever +comprehend the fulness of my rejoicing, which was not wholly selfish; for +I knew that nothing in the world would please Dr. Schmidt so much as this +victory. The wildest joy of an accepted suitor is a farce compared to my +feelings on the morning of that 15th of May. I was reconciled to my +bitterest opponents: I could even have thanked them for their opposition, +since it had made the success so much the sweeter. Not the slightest +feeling of triumph was in my heart; all was happiness and rejoicing: and +it was in this condition of mind and heart that I put on my bonnet and +shawl to carry the good news to Dr. Schmidt. Without waiting to be +announced, I hastened to his parlor, where I found him sitting with his +wife upon the sofa. I did not walk, but flew, towards them, and threw the +letter upon the table, exclaiming "There is the victory!" Like a +conflagration my joy spread to Dr. Schmidt as well as to his wife, who +thought that she saw in these tidings a cup of new life for her husband. I +only staid long enough to accept their congratulations. Dr. Schmidt told +me to be sure to come the next morning to enter legally upon my duties at +his side. Meanwhile, he gave me a vacation for the afternoon to see my +friends and carry them the news. He saw that I needed the open air, and +felt that he, too, must have it to counteract his joy. I went to tell my +father and several friends, and spent the day in blissful ignorance of the +dreadful event that was transpiring. + +The next morning, at seven o'clock, I left home to go to my residence in +the hospital. I had not slept during the night: the youthful fire of +enthusiasm burnt too violently to allow me any rest. The old doorkeeper +opened the door for me, and gazed at me with an air of surprise. "What is +the matter?" I asked. "I am astonished to see you so cheerful," said he. +"Why?" I asked with astonishment. "Don't you know that Dr. Schmidt is +dead?" was the answer. Dr. Schmidt dead! I trembled; I staggered; I fell +upon a chair. The beautiful entrance-hall, serving also as a greenhouse +during the winter, filled in every place with flowers and tropical fruit, +faded from my eyes; and in its stead I saw nothing but laughing faces, +distorted with scorn and mockery. A flood of tears cooled the heat of my +brain, and a calmness like that of death soon took possession of me. I had +fallen from the topmost height of joy and happiness to the profoundest +depth of disappointment and despair. If there were nothing else to prove +the strength of my mind, the endurance of this sudden change would be +sufficient. + +I went at once to Dr. Schmidt's residence in the Hospital Park, where I +met him again, not as I had expected an hour before, ready to go with me +to the hospital-department which I was henceforth to superintend, but a +corpse. After I had left the day before, he had expressed a wish to go +into the open air, he being not much less excited than myself. Mrs. +Schmidt ordered the carriage, and they drove to the large park. He talked +constantly and excitedly about the satisfaction that he felt in this +success, until they arrived; when he wished to get out of the carriage, +and walk with his wife. Mrs. Schmidt consented; but they had scarcely +taken a few steps when he sank to the ground, and a gush of blood from his +mouth terminated his existence. + +I left Dr. Schmidt's house, and entered alone into the wards, where I felt +that I was without friendly encouragement and support. During the three +days that intervened before the burial of Dr. Schmidt, I was hardly +conscious of any thing, but moved about mechanically like an automaton. +The next few days were days of confusion; for the death of Dr. Schmidt had +left so many places vacant that some fifty persons were struggling to +obtain some one of his offices. The eagerness, servility, and meanness +which these educated men displayed in striving to conquer their rivals was +more than disgusting. The serpents that lie in wait for their prey are +endurable; for we know that it is their nature to be cunning and +relentless: but to see men of intellect and education sly and snaky, +ferocious, yet servile to the utmost, makes one almost believe in total +depravity. The most of these men got what they deserved; namely, nothing: +the places were filled temporarily with others, and every thing went on +apparently as before. My position soon became very disagreeable. I had +received my instalment, not because I was wanted by the directors of the +hospital, but because they had been commanded by the government to accept +me in the hope of thus prolonging the life of Dr. Schmidt. Young and +inexperienced in petty intrigue, I had now to work without friendly +encouragement and appreciation, with no one about me in whom I had a +special interest; while every one was regretting that the instalment had +been given me before Dr. Schmidt's death, which might have happened just +as well from some other excitement, in an establishment where three +thousand people were constantly at war about each other's affairs. I +surveyed the whole arena, and saw very well, that, unless I practised +meanness and dishonesty as well as the rest, I could not remain there for +any length of time; for scores were ready to calumniate me whenever there +was the least thing to be gained by it. + +I was about to commence a new period of life. I had a solid structure as +a foundation; but the superstructure had been built up in so short a time, +that a change of wind would suffice to cast it down. I resolved, +therefore, to tear it down myself, and to begin to build another upon the +carefully laid basis; and only waited for an opportunity to manifest my +intention. This opportunity soon presented itself. Sister Catherine, the +deaconess of whom I have spoken, who had been allowed to attend the School +of Midwives after my election, through the influence of her theological +friends upon Dr. Schmidt (the city magistrates having refused her because +I was already the third accepted pupil), had as yet no position: and these +friends now sought to make her the second _accoucheuse_; I having the +first position, with the additional title of Chief. This she would not +accept. She, the experienced deaconess, who had been a Florence +Nightingale in the typhus epidemic of Silesia, was unwilling to be under +the supervision of a woman who had nothing to show but a thorough +education, and who was, besides, eight years younger than herself. Her +refusal made my enemies still more hostile. Why they were so anxious for +her services, I can only explain by supposing that the directors of the +hospital wished to annoy Pastor Fliedner, the originator of the +Kaiserswerth Sisterhood; for, in placing Sister Catherine in this +position, they robbed him of one of the very best nurses that he ever had +in his institution. + +My desire to reconcile the government of the hospital, in order that I +might have peace in my position to pursue my development and education so +as to realize and manifest to the people the truth of what Dr. Schmidt had +affirmed of me, induced me to go to one of the directors, and propose that +Sister Catherine should be installed on equal terms with me; offering to +drop the title of Chief, and to consent that the department should be +divided into two. My proposition was accepted nominally, and Sister +Catherine was installed, but with a third less salary than I received; +while I had to give the daily reports, &c., and to take the chief +responsibility of the whole. Catherine was quite friendly to me; and I was +happy in the thought that there was now one at least who would stand by +me, should any difficulties occur. How much I was mistaken in the human +heart! This pious, sedate woman, towards whom my heart yearned with +friendship, was my greatest enemy; though I did not know it until after my +arrival in America. + +A few weeks afterwards, the city petitioned to have a number of women +instructed in the practice of midwifery. These women were all experienced +nurses, who had taken the liberty to practise this art to a greater or +less extent from what they had learned of it while nursing; and, to put an +end to this unlawful practice, they had been summoned before an examining +committee, and the youngest and best educated chosen to be instructed as +the law required. Dr. Müller, the pathologist, was appointed to +superintend the theoretical, and Dr. Ebert the practical, instruction. Dr. +Müller, who never had given this kind of instruction before, and who was a +special friend of mine, immediately surrendered the whole into my hands; +while Dr. Ebert, whose time was almost wholly absorbed in the department +of the diseases of children, appointed me as his assistant. Both gentlemen +gave me certificates of this when I determined to emigrate to America. + +The marked preference for my wards that had always been shown by the male +students was shared by these women when they came. Sister Catherine was +neither ambitious nor envious; yet she felt that she was the second in +place. Drs. Müller and Ebert never addressed themselves to her; neither +did they impress the nurses and the servants with the idea that she was +any thing more than the head-nurse. All these things together made her a +spy; and, though nothing happened for which I could be reproved, all that +I said and did was watched and secretly reported. Under a despotic +government, the spy is as necessary as the corporal. The annoyance of this +reporting is, that the secrecy exists only for the one whom it concerns; +while the subaltern officers and servants receive hints that such a person +is kept under constant surveillance. When it was found that no occasion +offered to find fault with me, our administrative inspector was removed, +and a surly old corporal put in his place, with the hint that the +government of the hospital thought that the former inspector did not +perform his duty rightly, since he never reported disturbance in a ward +that had been notorious as being the most disorderly in former times. The +truth was, that, in my innocence of heart, I had been striving to gain the +respect and friendship of my enemies by doing my work better than any +before me had done. To go to bed at night regularly was a thing unknown to +me. Once I was not undressed for twenty-one days and nights; +superintending and giving instructions on six or eight confinement cases +in every twenty-four hours; lecturing three hours every afternoon to the +class of midwives; giving clinical lectures to them twice a week, for an +hour in the morning; superintending the care of some twenty infants, who +were epidemically attacked with purulent ophthalmia; and having, besides, +the general supervision of the whole department. But all this could not +overcome the hostility of my enemies, the chief cause of which lay in the +mortification at having been vanquished by my appointment. On the other +hand, I was happy in the thought that Mrs. Schmidt continued to take the +same interest in me as before, and was glad to hear of my partial success. +The students, both male and female, were devoted to me, and manifested +their gratitude openly and frankly. This was the greatest compensation +that I received for my work. The women wished to show their appreciation +by paying me for the extra labor that I performed in their instruction; +not knowing the fact, that I did it simply in order that they might pass +an examination which should again convince the committee that I was in the +right place. I forbade them all payment, as I had refused it to the male +students when they wished to pay me for their extra instruction on the +manikin: but in a true, womanly way, they managed to learn the date of +my birthday; when two or three, instead of attending the lecture, took +possession of my room, which they decorated with flowers; while en the +table they displayed presents to the amount of some hundred and twenty +dollars, which the fifty-six women of the class had collected among +themselves. This was, of course, a great surprise to me, and really made +me feel sad; for I did not wish for things of this sort. I wished to prove +that unselfishness was the real motive of my work; and thought that I +should finally earn the crown of appreciation from my enemies, for which I +was striving. This gift crossed all my plans. I must accept it, if I would +not wound the kindest of hearts; yet I felt that I lost my game by so +doing. I quietly packed every thing into a basket, and put it out of sight +under the bed, in order that I might not be reminded of my loss. Of +course, all these things were at once reported. I saw in the faces of many +that something was in agitation, and waited a fortnight in constant +expectation of its coming. But these people wished to crush me entirely. +They knew well that a blow comes hardest when least expected, and +therefore kept quiet week after week, until I really began to ask their +pardon in my heart for having done them the wrong to expect them to act +meanly about a thing that was natural and allowable. In a word, I became +quiet and happy again in the performance of my duties; until suddenly six +weeks after my birthday, I was summoned to the presence of Director Horn +(the same who had reprimanded me for leaving the church), who received me +with a face as hard and stern as an avenging judge, and asked me whether I +knew that it was against the law to receive any other payment than that +given me by the hospital. Upon my avowing that I did, he went on to ask +how it was, then, that I had accepted gifts on my birthday. This question +fell upon me like a thunderbolt; for I never had thought of looking upon +these as a payment. Had these women paid me for the instruction that I +gave them beyond that which was prescribed, they ought each one to have +given me the value of the presents. I told him this in reply, and also how +disagreeable the acceptance had been to me, and how ready I was to return +the whole at his command; since it had been my desire to prove, not only +my capability, but my unselfishness in the work. The man was ashamed; I +saw it in his face as he turned it away from me: yet he saw in me a proof +that he had been vanquished in intrigue, and was resolved that the +occasion should end in my overthrow. Much more was said about the +presents and their significance; and I soon ceased to be the humble woman, +and spoke boldly what I thought, in defiance of his authority, as I had +done at the time of the religious conversation (by the way, I never +attended church again after that interview.) The end was, that I declared +my readiness to leave the hospital. He wished to inflict direct punishment +on me; and forbade me to be present at the examination of the class, which +was to take place the next day. This was really a hard penalty, to which +he was forced for his own sake; for, if I had been present, I should have +told the whole affair to men of a nobler stamp, who would have opposed, as +they afterwards did, my leaving a place which I filled to their entire +satisfaction. + +I made my preparations to leave the hospital on the 15th of November. What +was I to do? I was not made to practise quietly, as is commonly done: my +education and aspirations demanded more than this. For the time, I could +do nothing more than inform my patients that I intended to practise +independently. My father again wished that I should marry; and I began to +ask myself, whether marriage is an institution to relieve parents from +embarrassment. When troubled about the future of a son, parents are ready +to give him to the army; when in fears of the destiny of a daughter, they +induce her to become the slave of the marriage bond. I never doubted that +it was more unendurable and unworthy to be a wife without love, than a +soldier without a special calling for that profession; and I never could +think of marriage as the means to procure a shelter and bread. + +I had so many schemes in my head, that I would not listen to his words. +Among these was especially the wish to emigrate to America. The +Pennsylvania Female Medical College had sent its first Report to Dr. +Schmidt, who had informed me of it as well as his colleagues, and had +advocated the justice of such a reform. This fact occurred to my memory; +and, for the next two months, I did nothing but speculate how to carry out +my design of emigration. I had lived rather expensively and lavishly, +without thinking of laying up any money; and my whole fortune, when I left +the Charité, consisted of sixty dollars. + +One thing happened in connection with my leaving the hospital, which I +must relate here. Director Horn was required to justify his conduct to +the minister to whom the change had to be reported; and a committee was +appointed to hear the accusation and pass judgment upon the affair. As +this was done in secrecy and not before a jury, and as the accuser was a +man of high rank, I knew nothing of it until Christmas Eve, when I +received a document stating that, _as a gratification for my services for +the benefit of the city of Berlin_ in instructing the class of midwives, a +compensation was decreed me of fifty dollars. This was a large sum for +Berlin, such as was only given on rare occasions. I was also informed that +Director Horn was instructed to give me, should I ever demand it, a +first-class certificate of what my position had been in the hospital with +the title of Chief attached. Whatever I had suffered from the injustice of +my enemies, I was now fully recompensed. I inquired who had taken my part +so earnestly against Director Horn as to gain this action, and found that +it was Dr. Müller the pathologist, backed by several other physicians. +Director Horn, it was said, was greatly humiliated by the decision of +Minister von Raumer, who could not see the least justice in his conduct in +this matter; and, had I not left the hospital so readily, I should never +have stood so firmly as after this secret trial. + +It was done, however; and I confidently told my mother of my design to +emigrate. Between my mother and myself there existed, not merely the +strongest relation of maternal and filial love, but also a professional +sympathy and peculiar friendship, which was the result of two similar +minds and hearts, and which made me stand even nearer to her than as a +child I could possibly have done. She consented with heart and soul, +encouraged me in all my plans and expectations, and asked me at once at +what time I would leave. I next told my father and the rest of the family +of my plan. My third sister (Anna), a beautiful, joyous young girl, +exclaimed, "And I will go with you!" My father, who would not listen to my +going alone, at once consented to our going together. But I thought +differently In going alone, I risked only my own happiness: in going with +her, I risked hers too; while I should be constantly restricted in my +adventurous undertaking from having her with me, who knew nothing of the +world save the happiness of a tranquil family life. The next day, I told +them that I had changed my mind, and should not go away, but should +establish myself in Berlin. Of course, I received a torrent of gibes on my +fickleness; for they did not understand my feelings in respect to the +responsibility that I feared to take for my younger sister. + +I began to establish myself in practice. Mrs. Schmidt, who was anxious to +assist me in my new career, suggested to those physicians who were my +friends the establishment of a private hospital, which should be under my +care. She found them strongly in favor of the plan; and, had I not been +constantly speculating about leaving for America, this scheme would have +been realized. But I had resolved to emigrate, and took my measures +accordingly. I went secretly to Drs. Müller and Ebert, and procured +certificates from them attesting my position in respect to them in the +hospital. I then obtained the certificate from Director Horn, and carried +them all to the American Chargé d'Affaires (Theodore S. Fay) to have them +legalized in English, so that they could be of service to me in +America.[2] + +When I told Drs. Ebert and Müller and Mrs. Schmidt of my intention to +emigrate, they pronounced me insane. They thought that I had the best +field of activity open in Berlin, and could not comprehend why I should +seek greater freedom of person and of action. Little really is known in +Berlin about America, and to go there is considered as great an +undertaking as to seek the river Styx in order to go to Hades. The remark +that I heard from almost every quarter was, "What! you wish to go to the +land of barbarism, where they have negro slavery, and where they do not +know how to appreciate talent and genius?" But this could not prevent me +from realizing my plans. I had idealized the freedom of America, and +especially the reform of the position of women, to such an extent, that I +would not listen to their arguments. After having been several years in +America, very probably I would think twice before undertaking again to +emigrate; for even the idealized freedom has lost a great deal of its +charm, when I consider how much better it could be. + +Having put every thing in order, I told my father of my conclusion to +leave. He was surprised to hear of it the second time: but I showed him my +papers in readiness for the journey, and declared that I should go as soon +as the ship was ready to sail; having a hundred dollars,--just money +enough to pay my passage. He would not give his consent, unless my sister +Anna accompanied me; thinking her, I suppose, a counterpoise to any rash +undertakings in which I might engage in a foreign land. If I wished to go, +I was, therefore, forced to have her company; of which I should have been +very glad, had I not feared the moral care and responsibility. We decided +to go in a fortnight. My father paid her passage, and gave her a hundred +dollars in cash,--just enough to enable us to spend a short time in New +York: after which he expected either to send us more money, or that we +would return; and, in case we did this, an agreement was made with the +shipping-merchant that payment should be made on our arrival in Hamburg. + +On the 13th of March, 1853, we left the paternal roof, to which we should +never return. My mother bade us adieu with tears in her eyes; saying, "_Au +revoir_ in America!" She was determined to follow us. + +Dear Mary, here ends my Berlin and European life; and I can assure you +that this was the hardest moment I ever knew. Upon my memory is for ever +imprinted the street, the house, the window behind which my mother stood +waving her handkerchief. Not a tear did I suffer to mount to my eyes, in +order to make her believe that the departure was an easy one; but a heart +beating convulsively within punished me for the restraint. + +My father and brothers accompanied us to the _dépôt_, where the cars +received us for Hamburg. On our arrival there, we found that the ice had +not left the Elbe, and that the ships could not sail until the river was +entirely free. We were forced to remain three weeks in Hamburg. We had +taken staterooms in the clipper ship "Deutschland." Besides ourselves, +there were sixteen passengers in the first cabin; people good enough in +their way, but not sufficiently attractive to induce us to make their +acquaintance. We observed a dead silence as to who we were, where we were +going, or what was the motive of our emigrating to America. The only +person that we ever spoke to was a Mr. R. from Hamburg, a youth of +nineteen, who, like ourselves, had left a happy home in order to try his +strength in a strange land. The voyage was of forty-seven days' duration; +excessively stormy, but otherwise very dull, like all voyages of this +kind; and, had it not been for the expectations that filled our hearts, we +should have died of _ennui_. As it was, the days passed slowly, made worse +by the inevitable sea-sickness of our fellow-passengers; and we longed for +the hour that should bring us in sight of the shores of the New World. And +now commences _my life in America_. + +"Dear Marie, best Marie! make haste to come upon deck to see America! Oh, +how pleasant it is to see the green trees again! How brightly the sun is +gilding the land you are seeking,--the land of freedom!" With such +childlike exclamations of delight, my sister Anna burst into my cabin to +hasten my appearance on deck on the morning of the 22d of May, 1853. The +beautiful child of nineteen summers was only conscious of a heart +overflowing with pleasure at the sight of the charming landscape that +opened before her eyes after a tedious voyage of forty-seven days upon the +ocean. We had reached the quarantine at Staten Island. The captain, the +old pilot, every one, gazed at her as she danced joyously about the deck, +with a mingled feeling of sadness and curiosity; for our reserve while on +shipboard had surrounded us with a sort of mystery which none knew how to +unravel. + +As soon as I had dressed for going on shore, and had packed up the things +that we had used on our voyage, in order that they might not be stolen +during this time of excitement, I obeyed the last call of my impatient +sister to come at least to see the last rays of sunrise; and went on deck, +where I was at once riveted by the beautiful scene that was spread before +my eyes. The green, sloping lawns, with which the white cottages formed +such a cheerful contrast; the trees, clad in their first foliage, and +suggesting hope by their smiling blossoms; the placid cows, feeding +quietly in the fields; the domestic chickens, just visible in the +distance; and the friendly barking of a dog,--all seemed to greet me with +a first welcome to the shores of this strange country: while the sun, +shining brightly from a slightly clouded sky, mellowed the whole +landscape, and so deeply impressed my soul, that tears sprang to my eyes, +and a feeling rose in my heart that I can call nothing else than +devotional; for it bowed my knees beneath me, and forced sounds from my +lips that I could not translate into words, for they were mysterious to +myself. A stranger in a strange, wide land, not knowing its habits and +customs, not understanding its people, not yet understanding its workings +and aims, my mind was not clouded with loneliness. I was happy. Had it not +been my own wish that had made me leave the home of a kind father, and of +a mother beloved beyond all earthly beings? I had succeeded in safely +reaching the shores of America. Life was again open before me. With these +thoughts, I turned from the beautiful landscape; and finding the captain, +a noble-hearted sailor, inquired of him how long it would take us to reach +the port of New York. "That is New York," said he, pointing to a dark mass +of buildings, with here and there a spire towering in the air. "We shall +reach there about eight o'clock; but it is Sunday, and you will have to +stay on board till to-morrow." With this he turned away, calling his men +to weigh anchor; as the physician, whose duty it was to inspect the cargo +of men, like cattle, had just left in his boat. On we went, my sister +still dancing and singing for joy; and Mr. R. and myself sitting somewhat +apart,--he looking dedespondently into the water, I with my head firmly +raised in the air, happy in heart, but thoughtful in mind, and trusting in +my inward strength for the future. + +I took my breakfast on deck. No one seemed to have any appetite; and I +felt somewhat reproved when I heard some one near me say, "She seems to +have neither head nor heart: see how tranquilly she can eat at such a time +as this!" These words were spoken by one of the cabin-passengers,--a young +man, who was exceedingly curious to know why I was going to America, and +had several times tried to make the rest of the passengers believe that it +must be in consequence of an unhappy love. The poor simpleton! he thought +that women could only enter into life through the tragedy of a broken +heart. + +A bell sounded. We were opposite Trinity Church, which had just struck +eight. On my right lay an enormous collection of bricks (houses I could +not call them; for, seen from the ship, they resembled only a pile of +ruins); on my left, the romantic shore of New Jersey. But the admiration +with which I had gazed upon Staten Island was gone as I stood before this +beautiful scene; the appreciation of Nature was mastered by another +feeling,--a feeling of activity that had become my ideal. I had come here +for a purpose,--to carry out the plan which a despotic government and its +servile agents had prevented me from doing in my native city. I had to +show to those men who had opposed me so strongly because I was a woman, +that in this land of liberty, equality, and fraternity, I could maintain +that position which they would not permit to me at home. My talents were +in an unusual direction. I was a physician; and, as such, had for years +moved in the most select circles of Berlin. Even my enemies had been +forced to give me the highest testimonials: and these were the only +treasure that I brought to this country; for I had given my last dollar to +the sailor who brought me the first news that land was in sight. + +I looked again upon New York, but with a feeling that a great mystery was +lying before my eyes,--a feeling that was confirmed by the men, who came +off to the ship in small boats, speaking a language that seemed like a +chaos of sounds. As I turned, I saw my sister coming slowly up from the +cabin with a changed air; and I asked her with surprise what was the +matter. "O Marie!" said she, "most of the passengers are called for. Mr. +R.'s brother has just come to take him on shore. He was so glad to see +him (for he thought he was in New Orleans), that I think he will forget to +say good-by. I am afraid that we shall have to stay here all alone, +and"--"Are the Misses Zakrzewska on board?" called a voice from a little +boat by the side of the ship. We looked down in surprise, but did not +recognize the man, who spoke as if he were an acquaintance. The captain +answered "Yes." Upon which the same voice said, "Mr. G. requests them to +wait: he will be here in a moment." + +This announcement surprised us the more that it came from a totally +unexpected quarter. An acquaintance of ours, who had emigrated to New York +a few years before, and had shortly after married a Mr. G., had heard from +her brother in Berlin of our departure for America in the ship +"Deutschland;" and these good people, thinking that they could be of use +to us in a new country, had been watching for its arrival. No one on board +dared ask a question as to who our friends were, so reserved had we been +in regard to our plans: only the young man who had accused me of having +neither head nor heart said, half aside, "Ah, ha! now we know the reason +why Miss Marie ate her breakfast so calmly, while her sister danced for +joy. They had beaux who were expecting them." "Simpleton!" thought I: +"must women always have beaux in order to be calm about the future?" + +Mr. G. came on board in a few minutes, bringing us from his wife an +invitation of welcome to her house. I cannot express in words the emotion +awakened in my heart by the really unselfish kindness that had impelled +these people to greet us in this manner; and this was increased when we +reached their very modest dwelling, consisting of a large shop in which +Mr. G. carried on his business of manufacturing fringes and tassels, one +sitting-room, a bedroom, and a small kitchen. My strength left me, and my +composure dissolved in a flood of tears. The good people did all that they +could to make us feel at home, and insisted that we should occupy the +sitting-room until we had decided what further to do. Of course, I +determined that this should be for as short a time as possible, and that +we would immediately look out for other lodgings. + +One-half of this first day was spent in talking about home; the other, in +making an excursion to Hoboken. This visit we would gladly have dispensed +with, so exhausted were we by the excitement that we had passed through +since sunrise; but our friends were bent on entertaining us with stories +and sights of the New World, and we followed them rather reluctantly. I +have since been glad that I did so; for my mind was in a state that +rendered it far more impressible than usual, and therefore better fitted +to observe much that would have been lost to me in a less-excited +condition. Here I first saw the type of common German life on Sunday in +America; and I saw enough of it on that one Sunday afternoon to last a +whole lifetime. My friends called on several of their acquaintances. +Everywhere that we went, I noticed two peculiarities,--comparative poverty +in the surroundings, and apparent extravagance in the manner of living: +for in every house we found an abundance of wine, beer, cake, meat, salad, +&c., although it was between the hours of meals; and every one was eating, +although no one seemed hungry. At nine o'clock in the evening, the visit +was concluded by going to a hotel, where a rich supper was served up to +us; and at eleven at night we returned home. My work in America had +already commenced. Was it not necessary for a stranger in a new country to +observe life in all its phases, before entering upon it? It seemed so to +me; and I had already planned, while on ship-board, to spend the first +month in observations of this kind. I had made a fair beginning; and, when +I saw many repetitions of this kind of life among my countrymen, I feared +that this was their main purpose in this country, and their consolation +for the loss of the entertainments and recreations which their fatherland +offered to them. But, as soon as I got opportunity to make my observations +among the educated classes I found my fear ungrounded; and I also found +that the Americans had noticed the impulse for progress and higher +development which animated these Germans. The German mind, so much honored +in Europe for its scientific capacity, for its consistency regarding +principles, and its correct criticism, is not dead here: but it has to +struggle against difficulties too numerous to be detailed here; and +therefore it is that the Americans don't know of its existence, and the +chief obstacle is their different languages. A Humboldt must remain +unknown here, unless he chooses to Americanize himself in every respect; +and could he do this without ceasing to be Humboldt the cosmopolitan +genius? + +It would be a great benefit to the development of this country if the +German language was made a branch of education, and not an accomplishment +simply. Only then would the Americans appreciate how much has been done by +the Germans to advance higher development, and to diffuse the true +principles of freedom. It would serve both parties to learn how much the +Germans aid in developing the reason, and supporting progress in every +direction. The revolution of 1848 has been more serviceable to America +than to Germany; for it has caused the emigration of thousands of men who +would have been the pride of a free Germany. America has received the +German freemen, whilst Germany has retained the _subjects_. + +The next morning, I determined to return to the ship to look after my +baggage. As Mr. and Mrs. G. were busy in their shop, there was no one to +accompany me: I therefore had either to wait until they were at leisure, +or to go alone. I chose the latter, and took my first walk in the city of +New York on my way to the North River, where the ship was lying. The noise +and bustle everywhere about me absorbed my attention to such a degree, +that, instead of turning to the right hand, I went to the left, and found +myself at the East River, in the neighborhood of Peck Slip. Here I +inquired after the German ship "Deutschland," and was directed, in my +native tongue, down to the Battery, and thence up to Pier 13, where I +found the ship discharging the rest of her passengers and their baggage. +It was eleven o'clock when I reached the ship: I had, therefore, taken a +three-hours' walk. I had now to wait until the custom-house officer had +inspected my trunks, and afterwards for the arrival of Mr. G., who came at +one o'clock with a cart to convey the baggage to his house. While standing +amidst the crowd, a man in a light suit of clothes of no positive color, +with a complexion of the same sort, came up to me, and asked, in German, +whether I had yet found a boarding-place The man's smooth face +instinctively repelled me; yet the feeling that I was not independently +established made me somewhat indefinite in my reply. On seeing this, he at +once grew talkative and friendly, and, speaking of the necessity of +finding a safe and comfortable home, said that he could recommend me to a +hotel where I would be treated honestly; or that, if I chose to be in a +private family, he knew of a very kind, motherly lady, who kept a +boarding-house for ladies alone,--not to make money, but for the sake of +her country-women. The familiarity that he mingled in his conversation +while trying to be friendly made me thoroughly indignant: I turned my back +upon him, saying that I did not need his services. It was not long before +I saw him besieging my sister Anna, who had come with Mr. G.; being +nervous lest I might not have found the ship. What he said to her, I do +not know. I only remember that she came to me, saying, "I am afraid of +that man: I wish that we could go home soon." This meeting with a man who +makes friendly offers of service may seem a small matter to the mere +looker-on; but it ceases to be so when one knows his motives: and, since +that time, I have had but too many opportunities to see for what end these +offers are made. Many an educated girl comes from the Old World to find a +position as governess or teacher, who is taken up in this manner, and is +never heard from again, or is only found in the most wretched condition. +It is shameful that the most effective arrangements should not be made for +the safety of these helpless beings, who come to these shores with the +hope of finding a Canaan. + +The week was mostly spent in looking for apartments; as we had concluded +to commence housekeeping on a small scale, in order to be more independent +and to save money. On our arrival, I had borrowed from my sister the +hundred dollars which my father had given her on our departure from +Berlin, and which was to be my capital until I had established myself in +business. I succeeded in finding a suite of rooms, with windows facing the +street, in the house of a grocer; and, having put them in perfect order, +we moved into them on the 6th of June, paying eleven dollars as our rent +for two months in advance. + +My sister took charge of our first day's housekeeping while I went to +deliver my letters of introduction. I went first to Dr. Reisig, in +Fourteenth Street. My mother, who had employed him when he was a young man +and we were small children, had spoken of him kindly; and, for this +reason, I had confidence in him. I found him a very friendly man, but by +no means a cordial one. He informed me that female physicians in this +country were of the lowest rank, and that they did not hold even the +position of a good nurse. He said that he wished to be of service to me if +I were willing to serve as nurse; and, as he was just then in need of a +good one, would recommend me for the position. I thanked him for his +candor and kindness, but refused his offer, as I could not condescend to +be patronized in this way. Depressed in hope, but strengthened in will, I +did not deliver any more of my letters, since they were all to physicians, +and I could not hope to be more successful in other quarters. I went home, +therefore, determined to commence practice as a stranger. + +The result of my experiment discouraged my sister greatly. After +meditating for some time, she suddenly said, "Marie, I read in the paper +this morning of a dressmaker who wanted some one to sew for her. I know +how to sew well: I shall go there, and you can attend to our little +household. No one here knows me, and I do not think there is any thing +wrong in my trying to earn some money." + +She was determined, and went. I put up my sign, and spent my time in +attending to the household duties, and in reading in order to gain +information of the country and the people. Occasionally I took walks +through different parts of the city, to learn, from the houses and their +surroundings the character of life in New York. I am sure that though, +perhaps, I appeared idle, I was not so in reality; for during this time I +learned the philosophy of American life. + +But our stock of money was becoming less and less. To furnish the rooms +had cost us comparatively little, as we had brought a complete set of +household furniture with us; but paying the rent and completing the +arrangements had not left us more than enough to live upon, in the most +economical manner, until the 1st of August. My sister obtained the place +at the dressmaker's; and after working a week from seven in the morning +until twelve (when she came home to dinner), then from one in the +afternoon until seven in the evening, she received two dollars and +seventy-five cents as the best sewer of six. She brought home the hardly +earned money with tears in her eyes; for she had expected at least three +dollars for the week's work. She had made each day a whole muslin dress, +with the trimmings. And this was not all: the dressmaker often did not pay +on Saturday nights, because, as she said, people did not pay her +punctually; and the poor girls received their wages by six or eight +shillings at a time. For the last two weeks of my sister's work, she +received her payment seven weeks after she had left. + +We lived in this manner until the middle of July, when I lost patience; +for practice did not come as readily as I wished, nor was I in a position +for making money in any other way. My sister, usually so cheerful and +happy, grew grave from the unusual work and close confinement. One of +these nights, on lying down to sleep, she burst into tears, and told me of +her doubts and fears for the future. I soothed her as well as I could, and +she fell asleep. For myself, I could not sleep, but lay awake all night +meditating what I could possibly do. Should I write home, requesting help +from my father? He certainly would have given it; for we had received a +letter two weeks before, offering us all desirable aid. No: all my pride +rebelled against it. "I must help myself," I thought, "and that +to-morrow." + +The next morning, my sister left me as usual. I went out, and walked +through the city to Broadway turning into Canal Street, where I had formed +an acquaintance with a very friendly German woman by purchasing little +articles at various times at her store. I entered without any particular +design, and exchanged a few commonplaces with her about the weather. Her +husband stood talking with a man about worsted goods, and their +conversation caught my ear. The merchant was complaining because the +manufacturer did not supply him fast enough: upon which the man answered, +that it was very difficult to get good hands to work; and that, besides, +he had more orders than it was possible to fill; naming several merchants +whose names I had seen in Broadway, who were also complaining because he +did not supply them. After he had left, I asked carelessly what kind of +articles were in demand, and was shown a great variety of worsted +fancy-goods. A thought entered my brain. I left the store, and, walking +down Broadway, asked at one of the stores that had been mentioned for a +certain article of worsted goods, in order to learn the price. Finding +this enormous, I did not buy it; and returned home, calculating on my way +how much it would cost to manufacture these articles, and how much profit +could be made in making them on a large scale. I found that two hundred +per cent profit might be made by going to work in the right way. My sister +came home, as usual, to dinner. I sat down with her, but could not eat. +She looked at me anxiously, and said, "I hope you are not sick again. Oh, +dear! what shall we do if you get sick?" I had been ill for a week, and +she feared a relapse. I said nothing of my plan, but consoled her in +respect to my health. + +As soon as she had left, I counted my money. But five dollars remained. If +I had been dependent upon money for cheerfulness, I should certainly have +been discouraged. I went to John Street, and, entering a large worsted +store, inquired of a cheerful-looking girl the wholesale price of the best +Berlin wool; how many colors could be had in a pound; &c. The pleasant and +ready answers that I received in my native tongue induced me to tell her +frankly that I wanted but a small quantity at that time, but that I +intended to make an experiment in manufacturing worsted articles; and, if +successful, would like to open a small credit, which she said they +generally would do when security was given. + +I purchased four and a half dollars' worth of worsted; so that fifty cents +were left in my pocket when I quitted the store. I then went to the office +of a German newspaper, where I paid twenty-five cents for advertising for +girls who understood all kinds of knitting. When my sister came home at +night, the worsted was all sorted on the table in parcels for the girls +who would come the next morning, while I was busily engaged in the +experiment of making little worsted tassels. I had never been skilful in +knitting; but in this I succeeded so well, that I could have made a +hundred yards of tassels in one day. My sister turned pale on seeing all +this; and hurriedly asked, "How much money have you spent?"--"All, my +dear Anna," answered I; "all, except twenty-five cents, which will be +sufficient to buy a pound of beefsteak and potatoes for to-morrow's +dinner. Bread, tea, and sugar we have still in the house; and to-morrow +night you will bring home your twenty-two shillings." "May you succeed, +Marie! that is all I have to say," was her reply. She learned of me that +evening how to make the tassels; and we worked till midnight, finishing a +large number. + +The next day was Saturday, and some women really came to get work. I gave +them just enough for one day, keeping one day's work in reserve. The day +was spent busily in arranging matters, so that, on Monday morning, I might +be able to carry a sample of the manufactured articles to those stores +that I had heard mentioned as not being sufficiently supplied. + +In the evening, my sister came home without her money: the dressmaker had +gone into the country in the afternoon, without paying the girls. She was +more than sad, and I felt a little uncomfortable; for what was I to do, +without money to provide for the next two days, or to pay those girls on +Monday with whose work I might not be satisfied? What was to be done? To +go down to our landlord, the grocer, and ask him to advance us a few +dollars? No: he was a stranger, and had no means of knowing that we would +return the money. Besides, I did not wish the people in the house to know +our condition. + +My resolution was taken. I proposed to my sister to go to the market with +me to buy meat and fruit for the morrow. She looked at me with blank +astonishment; but, without heeding it, I said calmly, taking from the +bureau-drawer the chain of my watch, "Anna, opposite the market, there is +a pawnbroker. No one knows us; and, by giving a fictitious name, we can +get money, without thanking any one for it." She was satisfied; and, +taking a little basket, we went on our errand. I asked of the pawnbroker +six dollars, under the name of Müller and received the money; after which +we made our purchases, and went home in quite good spirits. + +On Monday morning, the knitters brought home their work. I paid them, and +gave them enough for another day; after which I set about finishing each +piece, completing the task about two in the afternoon. This done, I +carried the articles to Broadway; and, leaving a sample in a number of +stores, received orders from them for several dozens.[3] I then went to +the worsted store in John Street, where I also obtained orders for the +manufactured articles, together with ten dollars' worth of worsted on +credit; having first given my name and residence to the book-keeper, with +the names of the stores from which I had received orders. In the evening, +when my sister came home, I was, therefore, safely launched into a +manufacturing business. The news cheered her greatly; but she could not be +induced to quit her sewing. The new business had sprung up so rapidly and +pleasantly that she could not trust in the reality of its existence. + +I must tell you here something of the social life that we led. We had +brought a number of friendly letters with us from our acquaintances in +Berlin to their friends and relatives in America; all of which, upon our +arrival, we sent by post, with the exception of two,--the one sent by a +neighbor to his son, Albert C.; the other to a young artist; both of whom +called for their letters. About four weeks after we were settled in New +York, we received a call from some young men whose sisters had been +schoolmates of my sisters in Berlin, who came to inquire of us where to +find Mr. C. We could give them no information, as we had not seen him +since he called for his letter; neither did we now see any thing of the +G.'s: but the acquaintance thus formed with these young men was continued, +and our solitude was now and then enlivened by an hour's call from them. +Soon after I had commenced my new business, they came one day in company +with Mr. C., whom they had met accidently in the street, and, on his +expressing a wish to see us, had taken the liberty to bring to our house. + +My business continued to prosper; and, by constantly offering none but the +best quality of goods for sale, in a very short time I had so much to do, +that my whole time in the day was occupied with out-door business, and I +was forced to sit up at night with my sister to prepare work for the +knitters. At one time, we had constantly thirty girls in our employ; and +in this way I became acquainted with many of those unfortunates who had +been misled and ruined on their arrival by persons pretending friendship. +Two of these in particular interested me greatly. One, the grand-daughter +of Krummacher, and bearing his name, was the daughter of a physician, who +had come to this country, hoping to find a place as governess. Poor girl! +she was a mere wreck when I found her, and all my efforts to raise her up +were in vain. She was sick, and in a terrible mental condition. We took +her into our house, nursed her and cared for her, and, when she had +recovered, supplied her with work; for which we paid her so well, that she +always had three dollars a week, which paid for her board and washing. It +was twice as much as she could earn, yet not enough to make her feel +reconciled with life. At one time, she did not come to us for a whole +week. I went to see her, and her landlady told me that she was melancholy. +I persuaded her to come and stay with us for a few days; but, in spite of +all my friendly encouragement I could not succeed in restoring her to +cheerfulness. She owned that she could not work merely to live: she did +not feel the pangs of hunger; but she felt the want of comforts to which +she had been accustomed, and which, in our days, are regarded as +necessities. She attempted to find a situation as governess; but her +proficiency in music, French, and drawing, counted as nothing. She had no +city references; and, having been two years in New York, dared not name +the place to which she had been conducted on her arrival. She left us at +last in despair, after having been a week with us. She never called again, +and I could not learn from her landlady where she had gone. Three months +afterwards, I heard from one of the girls in our employ that she had +married a poor shoemaker in order to have a home; but I never learned +whether this was true. About a year later, I met her in the Bowery, poorly +but cleanly dressed. She hastily turned away her face on seeing me; and I +only caught a glimpse of the crimson flush that overspread her +countenance. + +The other girl that I referred to was a Miss Mary ----, who came with her +mother to this country, expecting to live with a brother. They found the +brother married, and unwilling to support his sister; while his wife was +by no means friendly in her reception of his mother. The good girl +determined to earn a support for her mother, and a pretended friend +offered to take care of their things until she could find work and rent +lodgings. After four weeks' search, she found a little room and bedroom in +a rear-building in Elizabeth Street, at five dollars a month; and was +preparing to move, when her _friend_ presented a bill of forty dollars for +his services. She could only satisfy his rapacity by selling every thing +that she could possibly spare: after which she commenced to work; and as +she embroidered a great deal, besides working for me (for which I paid her +six dollars a week), for a time she lived tolerably well. After some time, +her mother fell ill; and she had to nurse her and attend to the household, +as well as labor for their support. It was a trying time for the poor +girl. She sought her brother; but he had moved to the West. I did all that +I could for her; but this was not half enough: and, after I had quitted +the manufacturing business and left the city, my sister heard that she had +drowned herself in the Hudson, because her mother's corpse was lying in +the house, while she had not a cent to give it burial, or to buy a piece +of bread, without selling herself to vice. + +Are not these two terrible romances of New-York life? And many besides did +I learn among these poor women; so many, indeed, that I forget the details +of all. Stories of this kind are said to be without foundation: I say that +there are more of them in our midst than it is possible to imagine. Women +of good education, but without money, are forced to earn their living. +They determine to leave their home, either because false pride +preprevents their seeking work where they have been brought up as +_ladies_, or because this work is so scarce that they cannot earn by it +even a life of semi-starvation; while they are encouraged to believe that +in this country they will readily find proper employment. They are too +well educated to become domestics; better educated, indeed, than are half +the teachers here: but modesty, and the habit of thinking that they must +pass through the same legal ordeal as in Europe, prevent them from seeking +places in this capacity. They all know how to embroider in the most +beautiful manner; and, knowing that this is well paid for in Europe, seek +to find employment of this kind in the stores. Not being able to speak +English, they believe the stories of the clerks and proprietors and are +made to work at low wages, and are often swindled out of their money. They +feel homesick forlorn and forsaken in the world. Their health at length +fails them, and they cannot earn bread enough to keep themselves from +starvation. They are too proud to beg; and the consequence is, that they +walk the streets, or throw themselves into the river. + +I met scores of these friendless women. Some I took into my house; for +others I found work, and made myself a sort of guardian; while to others +I gave friendship to keep them morally alive. It is a curious fact, that +these women are chiefly Germans. The Irish resort at once to beggary or +are inveigled into brothels, as soon as they arrive; while the French are +always intriguing enough either to put on a white cap and find a place as +_bonne_, or to secure a _private_ lover. + +I am often in despair about the helplessness of women, and the readiness +of men to let them earn money in abundance by shame, while they grind them +down to the merest pittance for honorable work. Shame on society, that +women are forced to surrender themselves to an abandoned life and death, +when so many are enjoying wealth and luxury in extravagance! I do not wish +them to divide their estates with the poor; I am no friend to communism in +any form: I only wish institutions that shall give to women an education +from childhood that will enable them, like young men, to earn their +livelihood. These weak women are the last to come forth to aid in their +emancipation from inefficient education. We cannot calculate upon these: +we must educate the children for better positions and leave the adults to +their destiny. + +How many women marry only for a shelter or a home! How often have I been +the confidante of girls, who the day before, arrayed in satin, had given +their hands to rich men before the altar, while their hearts were breaking +with suppressed agony! and this, too, among Americans, this great, free +nation, who, notwithstanding, let their women starve. It is but lately +that a young woman said to me, "I thank Heaven, my dear doctor, that you +are a woman; for now I can tell you the truth about my health. It is not +my body that is sick, but my heart. These flounces and velvets cover a +body that is sold,--sold legally to a man who could pay my father's +debts." Oh! I scorn men, sometimes from the bottom of my heart. Still this +is wrong: for it is the women's, the mothers' fault, in educating their +daughters to be merely beautiful machines, fit to ornament a fine +establishment; while, if they do not succeed in gaining this, there is +nothing left but wretchedness of mind and body. Women, there is a +connection between the Fifth Avenue and the Five Points! Both the rich and +the wretched are types of womanhood; both are linked together, forming one +great body; and both have the same part in good and evil. I can hardly +leave this subject, though it may seem to have little to do with my +American experience; but a word spoken from a full heart not only gives +relief, but may fall on _one_ listening ear, and take root there. + +I must now return to my new enterprise. The business paid well: and, +although I was often forced to work with my sister till the dawn of +morning, we were happy; for we had all that we needed, and I could write +home that the offered assistance was superfluous. Here I must say, that I +had resolved, on leaving Berlin, never to ask for aid, in order that I +might be able with perfect freedom to carry out my plans independently of +my family. How this was ever to be done, I did not yet see; though I had a +good opportunity to learn, from life and from the papers, what I had to +expect here. But this mode of instruction, though useful to one seeking to +become a philosopher, was very unsatisfactory to me. The chief thing that +I learned was, that I must acquire English before I could undertake any +thing. And this was the most difficult point to overcome. I am not a +linguist by nature: all that I learn of languages must be obtained by the +greatest perseverance and industry; and, for this, my business would not +allow me time. + +Shortly after I had fairly established myself in the manufacturing +business, I received news from Berlin, that Sister Catherine had left the +Hospital Charité, and was intending to join me in America, in order to aid +me in carrying out my plan for the establishment of a hospital for women +in the New World. The parties interested in her had finally succeeded in +placing her in the wished-for position, thus disconnecting her from the +sisterhood. But, after my departure, the position became greatly modified +in rank, and inferior in character. Private reasons besides made it +disagreeable for her to remain there any longer; and in this moment she +remembered my friendship towards her, and in the unfortunate belief that +she shared with many others, that all that I designed to do I could do at +once, resolved to come to me, and offer her assistance. She joined us on +the 22d of August, and was not a little disappointed to find me in the +tassel instead of the medical line. The astonishment with which her +acquaintances in Berlin heard her announce her intention of going to seek +help from a person to whom she had been less than a friend, could not be +expressed in words; and she told me that the annoyance that they +manifested was really the chief stimulus that decided her to come at last. +She arrived without a cent. Having always found friends enough ready to +supply her with money, whenever she wished to establish a temporary +hospital, it had never occurred to her that she should need any for +private use, beyond just enough to furnish the simple blue merino dress of +the sisterhood, which had often been provided for her by the Kaiserswerth +Institute. But here she was; and she very soon learned to understand the +difficulties which must be overcome before I could enter again into my +profession. She became satisfied, and lived with us, sharing equally in +whatever we had ourselves. There is a peculiar satisfaction in showing +kindness to a person who has injured us, though unconsciously under +different circumstances: and, in her case, she was not entirely +unconscious of the harm she had done me; for she confessed to me while in +America, that her acquaintance was courted by all those who had been +thwarted in their opposition by my appointment, and that she knew well +that they sought every opportunity to annoy me. + +On the 18th of September, a sister, one year younger than myself, joined +us; having been tempted by our favorable accounts to try a life of +adventure. We were now four in the family. But Catherine gradually grew +discontented. Having been accustomed to the comforts afforded in large +institutions, and to receiving attentions from the most aristocratic +families of Prussia, the monotonous life that we led was only endurable to +her so long as the novelty lasted. This soon wore off, and she became +anxious for a change. She had heard her fellow-passengers speak of a +Pastor S., who had been sent to America as a missionary; and she begged me +to seek him out, and take her to him, that she might consult him as to +what she had best do. I did so, and she soon became acquainted with his +family. Mr. S. exerted himself in her behalf, and secured her a place as +nurse in the Home for the Friendless, where she had the charge of some +thirty children. This was a heavy task; for, though none were under a year +old, she was constantly disturbed through the night, and could get but a +few hours' consecutive sleep. Besides, she could not become reconciled to +washing under the hydrant in the morning, and to being forced to mingle +with the commonest Irish girls. She was in every respect a lady, and had +been accustomed to have a servant at her command, even in the midst of the +typhus-fever in the desolate districts of Silesia; while here she was not +even treated with humanity. This soon grew unbearable; and she returned to +us on the 16th of October, after having been only ten days in the +institution. So eager was she to make her escape, that she did not even +ask for the two dollars that were due her for wages. But we could not +receive her; for we had taken another woman in her place, as friendless +and as penniless as she. Besides, a misfortune had just fallen upon us. +During the night before, our doors had been unlocked, our bureau-drawers +inspected, and all our money, amounting to fifty-two dollars, carried off; +and, when Catherine arrived, we were so poor that we had to borrow the +bread and milk for our breakfast. Fortunately, the day before, I had +refused the payment due me for a large bill of goods; and this came now in +a very good time. I did not feel justified, however, in increasing the +family to five after our loss; nor did she claim our assistance, but went +again to Pastor S., who had invited her to visit his family. With his +assistance, she obtained some private nursing, which maintained her until +the congregation had collected money enough to enable her to return to +Berlin; which she did on the 2d of December. Having many friends in the +best circles of that city, she immediately found a good practice again; +and is now, as she says, enjoying life in a civilized manner. + +We moved at once from the scene of the robbery and took a part of a house +in Monroe Street, for which we paid two hundred dollars a year. Our +business continued good, and I had some prospects of getting into +practice. But, with spring, the demand for worsted goods ceased; and as my +practice brought me work, but no money, I was forced to look out for +something else to do. By accident, I saw in a store a coiffure made of +silk, in imitation of hair, which I bought; but I found, on examination, +that I could not manufacture it, as it was machine-work. I went, +therefore, to Mr. G., and proposed to establish a business with him, in +which he should manufacture these coiffures, while I would sell them by +wholesale to the merchants with whom I was acquainted. Mr. G. had +completely ruined himself during the winter by neglecting his business and +meddling with Tammany-Hall politics, which had wasted his money and his +time. He had not a single workman in his shop when I called, and was too +much discouraged to think of any new enterprise; but, on my telling him +that I would be responsible for the first outlay, he engaged hands, and, +in less than a month, had forty-eight persons busily employed. In this way +I earned money during the spring, and freed myself from the obligations +which his kindness in receiving us the spring before had laid upon us. + +My chief business now was to sell the goods manufactured by Mr. G. Our +worsted business was very small; and the prospect was that it would cease +entirely, and that the coiffure that we made would not long continue in +fashion. Some other business, therefore, had to be found, especially as it +was impossible for us to lay up money. Our family now consisted of myself +and two sisters, the friend that was staying with us, and a brother, +nineteen years of age, who had joined us during the winter, and who, +though an engineer and in good business, was, like most young men, +thoughtless and more likely to increase than to lighten our burdens. Our +friend Mr. C., who had become our constant visitor, planned at this time a +journey to Europe; so that our social life seemed also about to come to an +end. + +On the 13th of May, 1854, as I was riding down to the stores on my usual +business, reveries of the past took possession of my mind. Almost a year +in America, and not one step advanced towards my purpose in coming hither! +It was true that I had a comfortable home, with enough to live upon, and +had repaid my sister the money that I had borrowed from her on our +arrival; yet what kind of a life was it that I was leading, in a business +foreign to my nature and inclinations, and without even the prospect of +enlarging this? These reflections made me so sad, that, when I reached the +store, the book-keeper noticed my dejection, and told me, by way of +cheering me, that he had another order for a hundred dollars' worth of +goods, &c.; but this did not relieve me. I entered the omnibus again, +speculating constantly on what I should do next; when a thought suddenly +dawned upon me. Might not the people in the Home for the Friendless be +able to give me advice? I had hardly conceived the idea, when I determined +to ride directly up there, instead of stopping at the street in which I +lived. I thought, besides, that some employment might be found for my +sister Anna, in which she could learn the English language, for which she +had evinced some talent, while I had decided that I could never become +master of it. I had seen the matron, Miss Goodrich, once when I called +there on Catherine S. She had a humane face, and I was persuaded that I +should find a friend in her. I was not mistaken. I told her of my plans in +coming here, and of our present mode of life and prospects; and confided +to her my disappointment and dejection, as well as my determination to +persevere courageously. She seemed to understand and to enter into my +feelings, and promised to see Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, whom she advised me +to call upon at once. + +I went home full of the hope and inspiration of a new life. Dear Mary, you +can hardly comprehend the happiness of that morning. I was not suffering, +it is true, for the necessaries of life; but, what was far worse, I +suffered from the feeling that I lived for no purpose but to eat and to +drink. I had no friends who were interested in the pursuits towards which +my nature inclined; and I saw crowds of arrogant people about me, to whom +I could not prove that I was their equal in spite of their money. My +sisters had not seen me so cheerful since our arrival in America, and +thought that I had surely discovered the philosopher's stone. I told them +of what I had done, and received their approbation. + +On the morning of the 15th of May,--the anniversary of the death of Dr. +Schmidt and of my greatest joy and my greatest misery,--we received a call +from Miss Goodrich, who told us that she had seen Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, +and thought that she had also procured a suitable place for my sister. She +gave us the addresses of Dr. Blackwell and of Miss Catherine Sedgwick. We +called first upon the latter, who was extremely kind; and although she +had quite misunderstood our wishes,--having exerted herself to procure a +place for my sister in a way that manifested the belief that we had +neither a home nor the means to live,--yet her friendliness and readiness +to assist us made us for ever grateful to her. At that time we did not +know her standing in society, and looked upon her merely as a benevolent +and wealthy woman. We soon learned more of her, however: for, though +unsuccessful in her first efforts, she shortly after sent for my sister, +having secured her a place in Mr. Theodore Sedgwick's family; which was +acceptable, inasmuch as it placed her above the level of the servants. She +remained there seven weeks, and then returned home. + +On the same morning, I saw Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell; and from this call of +the 15th of May I date my new life in America. She spoke a little German, +and understood me perfectly when I talked. I gave her all my certificates +for inspection but said nothing to her of my plans in coming to America. +It would have seemed too ludicrous for me in my position to tell her that +I entertained the idea of interesting the people in the establishment of a +hospital for women. I hardly know what I told her, indeed; for I had no +other plan of which to speak, and therefore talked confusedly, like an +adventurer. I only know that I said that I would take the position of +nurse, if I could enter one of the large hospitals, in order to learn the +manner in which they were managed in this country. + +I cannot comprehend how Dr. Blackwell could ever have taken so deep an +interest in me as she manifested that morning; for I never in my life was +so little myself. Yet she did take this interest; for she gave me a sketch +of her own experience in acquiring a medical education, and explained the +requirements for such in this country, and the obstacles that are thrown +in the way of women who seek to become physicians. She told me of her plan +of founding a hospital,--the long-cherished idea of my life; and said that +she had opened a little dispensary--the charter for which was procured +during the preceding winter, under the name of "The New-York Infirmary for +Indigent Women and Children"--on the 1st of May, two weeks before, and +which was designed to be the nucleus for this hospital, where she invited +me to come and assist her. She insisted that, first of all, I should learn +English; and offered to give me lessons twice a week, and also to make +efforts to enable me to enter a college to acquire the title of M.D., +which I had not the right to attach to my name. I left her after several +hours' conversation, and we parted friends. + +I continued my work at home; going regularly to Dr. Blackwell to receive +lessons in English, and to assist her in the dispensary. As we grew better +acquainted, I disclosed more to her of the fact, that I had a fixed plan +in coming to this country; which increased her interest in me. She wrote +in my behalf to the different colleges, and at length succeeded in +obtaining admission for me to the Cleveland Medical College (Western +Reserve) on the most favorable terms; credit being given me on the +lecture-fees for an indefinite time. + +Here I must stop to tell you why this credit was necessary. The articles +that I had manufactured had gone out of fashion in May: and I could not +invent any thing new, partly because I no longer felt the same interest as +before, knowing that I should soon go to a medical college; and partly +because the articles then in fashion were cheaper when imported. We had to +live for a little while on the money that we had laid up, until I procured +a commission for embroidering caps. It is perfectly wonderful into +what kinds of business I was forced, all foreign to my taste. + +And here let me tell you some secrets of this kind of business, in which +hundreds of women starve, and hundreds more go down to a life of infamy. +Cap-making (the great business of Water Street of New York) gives +employment to thousands of unfortunates. For embroidering caps, the +wholesale dealer pays seven cents each; and for making up, three cents. To +make a dozen a day, one must work for sixteen hours. The embroidering is +done in this wise: I received the cut cloth from the wholesale dealer; +drew the pattern upon each cap; gave them, with three cents' worth of +silk, to the embroiderer, who received three cents for her work; then +pressed and returned them; thus making one cent on each for myself. By +working steadily for sixteen hours, a girl could embroider fifteen in a +day. I gave out about six dozen daily; earning, like the rest, fifty cents +a day: unless I chose to do the stamping and pressing at night, and to +embroider a dozen during the day; in which case, I earned a dollar. + +One can live in this way for a little while, until health fails, or the +merchant says that the work has come to an end. You will think this +terrible again. Oh, no! this is not terrible. The good men provide in +another way. They tell every woman of a prepossessing appearance, that it +is wrong in her to work so hard; that many a man would be glad to care for +her; and that many women live quite comfortably with the help of _a +friend_. They say, further, that it is lonely to live without ever going +to church, to the concert and theatre; and that if these women would only +permit the speakers to visit them, and to attend them to any of these +places, they would soon find that they would no longer be obliged to work +so hard. This is the polished talk of gentlemen who enjoy the reputation +of piety and respectability, and who think it a bad speculation to pay +women liberally for their work. So it would be, in truth; for these poor +creatures would not be so willing to abandon themselves to a disreputable +life, if they could procure bread in any other way. + +During the summer of 1854, I took work on commission from men of this +sort. While in Berlin I had learned from the prostitutes in the hospital +in what manner educated women often became what they then were. The +average story was always the same. The purest love made them weak; their +lover deceived and deserted them; their family cast them off by way of +punishment. In their disgrace, they went to bury themselves in large +cities, where the work that they could find scarcely gave them their daily +bread. Their employers attracted by their personal appearance and the +refinement of their speech and manners, offered them assistance in another +way, in which they could earn money without work. In despair, they +accepted the proposals; and sunk gradually, step by step, to the depths of +degradation, as depicted by Hogarth in the "Harlot's Progress." In New +York, I was thrown continually among men who were of the stamp that I +described before; and can say, even from my own experience, that no man is +ever more polite, more friendly, or more kind, than one who has impure +wishes in his heart. It is really so dangerous for a woman of refined +nature to go to such stores, that I never suffered my sister to visit +them; not because I feared that she would listen to these men, but because +I could not endure the thought that so innocent and beautiful a girl +should come in contact with them, or even breathe the same atmosphere. +When fathers are unwilling that their daughters shall enter life as +physicians, lawyers, merchants, or in any other public capacity, it is +simply because they belong to the class that so contaminates the air, +that none can breathe it but themselves; or because, from being thrown +constantly in contact with such men, they arrive at the same point at +which I then stood, and say to themselves "_I_ can afford to meet such +men. I am steeled by my knowledge of mankind, and supported by the +philosophy that I have learned during years of trial. It cannot hurt _me_; +but, by all means, spare the young and beautiful the same experience!" + +I dealt somewhat haughtily with the merchants whom I have described, in a +manner that at once convinced them of my position. But the consequence +was, that the embroidery commission, which had commenced so favorably, +suddenly ceased, "_because the Southern trade had failed_:" in truth, +because I would not allow any of these men to say any more to me than was +absolutely necessary in our business. My income became less and less, and +we were forced to live upon the money that we had laid up during the year. +I did not look for any new sources of employment, for I was intending to +go to Cleveland in October; while my next sister had business of her own, +and Anna was engaged to be married to our friend Mr. C. My brother was +also with them; and my mother's brother, whom she had adopted as a child, +was on his way to America. + +After having settled our affairs, fifty dollars remained as my share; and, +with this sum, I set out for Cleveland on the 16th of October, 1854. Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell had supplied me with the necessary medical text-books; +so that I had no other expenses than my journey and the matriculation +fees, which together amounted to twenty dollars, leaving thirty dollars in +my possession. + +I do not believe that many begin the study of medicine with so light a +purse and so heavy a heart as did I. My heart was heavy for the reason +that I did not know a single sentence of English. All of my study with Dr. +Blackwell had been like raindrops falling upon stone: I had profited +nothing. The lectures I did not care for, since there was more need of my +studying English than medicine: but the subjects were well known to me; +and I therefore reasoned, that, by hearing familiar things treated of in +English, I must learn the language; and the logic held good. + +I have already told you that the Faculty had agreed to give me credit for +my lecture-fees. Dr. Blackwell had written also to a lady there, who had +called upon her some time before in the capacity of President of a +Physiological Society, which, among other good things, had established a +small fund for the assistance of women desirous of studying medicine. This +lady (Mrs. Caroline M. Severance) replied in the most friendly manner, +saying that I might come directly to her house, and that she would see +that my board for the winter was secured by the Physiological Society over +which she presided. + +The journey to Cleveland was a silent but a pleasant one. Through a +mishap, I arrived on Saturday night, instead of in the morning; and, being +unwilling to disturb Mrs. Severance at so late an hour, went first to a +hotel. But what trials I had there! No one could understand me; until at +last I wrote on a slate my own name and Mrs. Severance's, with the words, +"A carriage," and "To-morrow." From this the people inferred that I wished +to stay at the hotel all night, and to have a carriage to take me to Mrs. +Severance's the next day; as was the case. A waiter took my carpet-bag and +conducted me to a room. I could not understand his directions to the +supper-room, neither could I make him understand that I wanted some supper +in my own room; and the consequence was, that I went to bed hungry, having +eaten nothing all day but a little bread, and an apple for luncheon. + +As soon as I was dressed the next morning, I rang the bell furiously; and, +on the appearance of the waiter, exclaimed, "Beefsteak!" This time he +comprehended me, and went laughingly away to bring me a good breakfast. I +often saw the same waiter afterwards at the hotel; and he never saw me +without laughing, and exclaiming, "Beefsteak!" + +In the course of the forenoon, I was taken in a carriage to the house of +Mrs. Severance; but the family were not at home. I returned to the hotel, +somewhat disheartened and disappointed. Although I should have supposed +that death was not far off if no disappointment had happened to me when I +least expected it, yet this persistent going wrong of every thing in +Cleveland was really rather dispiriting. But a bright star soon broke +through the clouds, in the shape of Mr. Severance, who came into the +parlor directly after dinner, calling for me in so easy and so cordial a +manner, that I forgot every thing, and was perfectly happy. This feeling, +however, lasted only until I reached the house. I found four fine +children, all full of childish curiosity to hear me talk; who, as soon as +they found that I could not make myself understood by them, looked on me +with that sort of contempt peculiar to children when they discover that a +person cannot do as much as they can themselves. Mr. Severance, too, was +expecting to find me accomplished in music, "like all Germans;" and had to +learn that I had neither voice nor ear for the art. Mrs. Severance +understood a little German, yet not half enough to gain any idea of how +much or how little I was capable of doing; and therefore looked upon me +with a sort of uncertainty as to what was my real capacity. This position +was more provoking than painful; there was even something ludicrous in it: +and, when not annoyed, I often went into my room to indulge in a hearty +laugh by myself. + +I met with a most cordial reception in the college The dean (Dr. John J. +Delamater) received me like a father; and, on the first day, I felt +perfectly at home. All was going on well. I had a home at Mrs. +Severance's; while, despite my mutilated English, I found many friends in +the college, when circumstances changed every thing. Some changes occurred +in Mr. Severance's business; and he was forced, in consequence, to give up +house-keeping At that time, I did not know that the Physiological Society +was ready to lend me money; and was therefore in great distress. I never +experienced so bitter a day as that on which Mrs. Severance told me that I +could stay with her no longer. It was but five weeks after my arrival, and +I was not able to make myself understood in the English language, which +was like chaos to me. On the same day, I well remember, that, for the +first time in my life, I made an unsuccessful attempt to borrow money; +and, because it was the first and the last time, it was the more painful +to me to be refused. I envied the dog that lived, and was happy without +troubling his brain; I envied the kitchen-maid that did her work +mechanically, and enjoyed life far more than those fitted by nature for +something higher, while the world would go on just as well without them as +with them. + +Mrs. Severance secured a boarding-place for me for the rest of the winter; +and paid my board, amounting to thirty-three dollars, from the funds of +the society. I lived quietly by myself; studied six hours daily at home, +with four dictionaries by me; attending six lectures a day, and going in +the evening for three hours to the dissecting-rooms. I never conversed +with any one in the boarding-house nor even asked for any thing at the +table; but was supplied like a mute. This silence was fruitful to me. +About New Year, I ventured to make my English audible; when, lo! every one +understood me perfectly. From this time forward, I sought to make +acquaintances, to the especial delight of good old Dr. Delamater, who had +firmly believed that I was committing gradual suicide. Through Mrs. +Severance, I became acquainted with Dr. Harriot K. Hunt, who was then on a +visit to Cleveland; and, through her, with the Rev. A.D. Mayo, who was +pastor of a small society there, known as that of the Liberal Christians. + +I found many dear and valued friends during my residence in Cleveland, but +none to whom I am bound in lasting gratitude as to Mr. Mayo, who offered +me his assistance when he learned that I was in need; my extra expenses +having swallowed up the little money that I had brought with me, so that I +had not even enough to return to my sisters in New York. As the minister +of a small congregation advocating Liberal ideas, he had a hard position +in Cleveland, both socially and pecuniarily; yet he offered to share his +little with me. I was forced to accept it; and I am now, and have always +been, glad that I did so. No one, that has not had the experience, can +appreciate the happiness that comes with the feeling, that a rich man has +not cast a fragment of his superfluity towards you (and here let me +remark, that it is next to impossible to find wealth and generosity go +together in friendship), but that the help comes from one who must work for +it as well as the recipient. It proves the existence of the mutual +appreciation that is known by the name of "friendship." The apple given by +a friend is worth ten times more than a whole orchard bestowed in such a +way as to make you feel that the gift is but the superfluity of the donor. + +I remained for ten months a member of Mr. Mayo's family; when he received +a call to Albany, and changes had to be made in his household. During this +time, I earned a little money by giving lessons in German, that served to +cover my most necessary expenses. For the last five months that I spent in +Cleveland, I carried in my purse one solitary cent as a sort of talisman; +firmly believing that some day it would turn into gold: but this did not +happen; and on the day that I was expecting the receipt of the last +eighteen dollars for my lessons, which were designed to bear my expenses +to New York, I gave it to a poor woman in the street who begged me for a +cent; and it doubtless, ere long, found its way into a gin-shop. + +The twenty months that I spent in Cleveland were chiefly devoted to the +study of medicine in the English language; and in this I was assisted by +most noble-hearted men. Dr. Delamater's office became a pleasant spot, and +its occupants a necessity to me; and, on the days that I did not meet +them, my spirits fell below zero. In spite of the pecuniary distress from +which I constantly suffered, I was happier in Cleveland than ever before +or since. I lived in my element; having a fixed purpose in view, and +enjoying the warmest tokens of real friendship. I was liked in the +college; and, though the students often found it impossible to repress a +hearty laugh at my ridiculous blunders in English, they always showed me +respect and fellowship in the highest sense of the terms. In the beginning +of the first winter, I was the only woman; after the first month, another +was admitted; and, during the second winter, there were three besides +myself that attended the lectures and graduated in the spring. I should +certainly look upon this season as the spring-time of my life, had not a +sad event thrown a gloom over the whole. + +In the autumn of 1854, after deciding to go to Cleveland to resume my +medical studies, I wrote to my parents to tell them of my hopes and aims. +These letters were not received with the same pleasure with which they +had been written. My father, who had encouraged me before my entrance upon +a public career, was not only grieved by my return to my old mode of life, +but greatly opposed to it, and manifested this in the strongest words in +the next letter that I received from him. My mother on the contrary, who +had not been at all enthusiastic in the beginning, was rather glad to +receive the news. As I had left many good friends among the physicians of +Berlin, my letters were always circulated, after their arrival, by one of +their number who stood high in the profession; and, though I did not +receive my father's approbation, he sent me several letters from strangers +who approved my conduct, and who, after hearing my letters, had sent him +congratulations upon my doings in America. How he received the respect +thus manifested to him, you can judge from a passage in one of his +letters, which I will quote to you:-- + +"I am proud of you, my daughter; yet you give me more grief than any other +of my children. If you were a young man, I could not find words in which +to express my satisfaction and pride in respect to your acts; for I know +that all you accomplish you owe to yourself: but you are a woman, a weak +woman; and all that I can do for you now is to grieve and to weep. O my +daughter! return from this unhappy path. Believe me, the temptation of +living for humanity _en masse,_ magnificent as it may appear in its aim, +will lead you only to learn that all is vanity; while the ingratitude of +the mass for whom you choose to work will be your compensation." + +Letters of this sort poured upon me; and, when my father learned that +neither his reasoning nor his prayers could turn me from a work which I +had begun with such enthusiasm, he began to threaten; telling me that I +must not expect any pecuniary assistance from him; that I would contract +debts in Cleveland which I should never be able to pay, and which would +certainly undermine my prospects; with more of this sort. My good father +did not know that I had vowed to myself, on my arrival in America, that I +would never ask his aid; and besides, he never imagined that I could go +for five months with a single cent in my pocket. Oh, how small all these +difficulties appeared to me, especially at a time when I began to speak +English! I felt so rich, that I never thought money could not be had, +whenever I wanted it in good earnest. + +After having been nine months in Cleveland, I received news that my +mother had left Berlin with my two youngest sisters to pay us a visit, and +to see what the prospects would be for my father in case she chose to +remain. Dear Mary, shall I attempt to describe to you the feeling that +over-powered me on the receipt of these tidings? If I did, you never could +feel it with me: for I could not picture in words the joy that I felt at +the prospect of beholding again the mother whom I loved beyond all +expression, and who was my friend besides; for we really never thought of +each other in our relation of mother and child, but as two who were bound +together as friends in thought and in feeling. No: I cannot give you a +description of this, especially as it was mingled with the fear that I +might not have the means to go to greet her in New York before another ten +months were over. Day and night, night and day, she was in my mind; and, +from the time that I had a right to expect her arrival, I counted the +hours from morning until noon, and from noon until night, when the +telegraph office would be closed. At length, on the 18th of September, the +despatch came,--not to me, but to my friend Mr. Mayo,--bearing the words, +"Tell Marie that she must calmly and quietly receive the news that our +good mother sleeps at the bottom of the ocean, which serves as her +monument and her grave." Mary, this is the most trying passage that I have +to write in this sketch of my life; and you must not think me weak that +tears blot the words as I write. My mother fell a victim to sea-sickness +which brought on a violent hemorrhage, that exhausted the sources of life. +She died three weeks before the vessel reached the port; and my two +sisters (the one seventeen and the other nine years of age) chose rather +to have her lowered on the Banks of Newfoundland, than bring to us a +corpse instead of the living. They were right; and the great ocean seems +to me her fitting monument. + +Of course, upon the receipt of these tidings, I could remain no longer in +Cleveland, but took my last money, and went to New York to stay for a +while with my afflicted brother and sisters. The journey was very +beneficial to me; for, without it, I should not have been able to go +through my winter's study. During my stay in New York, I often visited Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell, and learned that the little dispensary was closed +because her practice prevented her from attending it regularly; but that, +during my absence, she had been trying to interest some wealthy friends +in the collection of money, to enable us, after my return in the spring, +to commence again upon a little larger scale. To effect this, she proposed +to hold a fair during the winter after my return; and we concluded that +the first meeting for this purpose should be held during my visit in New +York. She succeeded in calling together a few friends at her house, who +determined to form a nucleus for a Fair Association for the purpose of +raising money for the New-York Infirmary. + +I made a visit of a few days to Boston, and then returned again to +Cleveland. The winter passed in very much the same manner as the first, +with the difference that I spoke better English, and visited many friends +whom I had made during the preceding year. In the spring of 1856, I +graduated. Shortly after commencement, the Dean of the College (Dr. +Delamater) called upon me at the house of a friend with whom I was staying +on a visit. A call from this venerable gentleman was a thing so unusual, +that numberless conjectures as to what this visit might mean flitted +through my brain on my way to the parlor. He received me, as usual, +paternally; wished me a thousand blessings; and handed back to me the note +for one hundred and twenty dollars, payable in two years, which I had +given for the lecture-fees; telling me, that, in the meeting of the +Faculty after graduating-day it was proposed by one of the professors to +return the note to me as a gift; to which those present cheerfully gave a +unanimous vote, adding their wishes for my success, and appointing Dr. +Delamater as their delegate to inform me of the proceedings. This was a +glorious beginning, for which I am more than thankful, and for which I was +especially so at that time, when I had barely money enough to return to +New York, with very small prospects of getting means wherewith to commence +practice. The mention of this fact might be thought indiscreet by the +Faculty in Cleveland, were they still so organized as to admit women; +which, I am sorry to say, is no longer the case; though they give as their +reason, that women at present have their own medical colleges, and, +consequently, have no longer need of theirs. + +Before I quit the subject of the Cleveland College I must mention a fact, +which may serve as an argument against the belief that the sexes cannot +study together without exerting an injurious effect upon each other. +During the last winter of my study, there was such emulation in respect to +the graduating honors among the candidates for graduation comprising +thirty-eight male and four female students, that all studied more closely +than they had ever done before--the men not wishing to be excelled by the +women, nor the women by the men; and one of the professors afterwards told +me, that whereas it was usually a difficult thing to decide upon the three +best theses to be read publicly at the commencement, since all were more +or less indifferently written, this year the theses were all so good, that +it was necessary, to avoid doing absolute injustice, to select thirteen +from which parts should be read. Does not this prove that the stimulus of +the one sex upon the other would act rather favorably than otherwise upon +the profession? and would not the very best tonic that could be given to +the individual be to pique his _amour propre_ by the danger of being +excelled by one of the opposite sex? Is not this natural? and would not +this be the best and the surest reformation of humanity and its social +condition, if left free to work out its own development? + +On the day following the visit of Dr. Delamater, I received a letter from +my brother-in-law, in which he told me that his business compelled him to +go to Europe for half a year; and that he had, therefore, made +arrangements for me to procure money, in case that I should need it to +commence my practice. He said that he intended to assist me afterwards; +but that, as he thought it best for my sister (his wife) to live out of +New York during his absence, he was willing to lend me as much money as I +required until his return. I accepted his offer with infinite pleasure; +for it was another instance of real friendship. He was by no means a rich +man, but was simply in the employ of a large importing house. + +With these prospects I left Cleveland. Immediately after my arrival in New +York, I began to look out for a suitable office; consulting Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell, with whom I had maintained a constant correspondence, in regard +to location. I soon found that I could not obtain a respectable room +without paying an exorbitant price. Some were afraid to let an office to a +female physician, lest she might turn out a spiritual medium, clairvoyant +hydropathist, &c.; others, who believed me when I told them that I had a +diploma from a regular school, and should never practise contrary to its +requirements, inquired to what religious denomination I belonged, and +whether I had a private fortune, or intended to support myself by my +practice; while the third class, who asked no questions at all, demanded +three dollars a day for a back parlor alone, without the privilege of +putting a sign on the house or the door. Now, all this may be very +aggravating, when it is absolutely necessary that one should have a place +upon which to put a sign to let the world know that she is ready to try +her skill upon suffering humanity; but it has such a strongly ludicrous +side, that I could not be provoked, in spite of all the fatigue and +disappointment of wandering over the city, when, with aching limbs, I +commenced the search afresh each morning, with the same prospect of +success. I finally gave up looking for a room, and accepted Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell's offer; to occupy her back parlor (the front one serving as her +own office); of which I took possession on the 17th of April. + +Meanwhile, I had regularly attended the Thursday fair-meetings; wondering +how persons could afford to meet to so little purpose. There was scarcely +any life in these gatherings; and, when I saw ladies come week after week +to resume the knitting of a baby's stocking (which was always laid aside +again in an hour or two, without any marked progress), I began to doubt +whether the sale of these articles would ever bring ten thousand cents, +instead of the ten thousand dollars which it was proposed at the first +meeting to raise in order to buy a house. I used to say on Wednesday, +"To-morrow we have our fair-meeting. I wonder whether there will be, as +usual, two and a half persons present, or three and three-quarters." + +I grew at length heartily sick of this kind of effort, and set about +speculating what better could be done. The idea occurred to me to go from +house to house, and ask for a dime at each, which, if given, would amount +to ten dollars a day; and, with the money thus collected daily for half a +year, to establish a nucleus hospital, which, as a fixed fact, should +stimulate its friends to further assistance. + +I took my note-book, and wrote out the whole plan, and also calculated the +expenses of such a miniature hospital as I proposed; including furniture +beds, household utensils; every thing, in short, that was necessary in +such an institution. With this book, which I still have in my possession, +I went one evening into Dr. Blackwell's parlor, and, seating myself, told +her that _I_ could not work any longer for the fair in the way that the +ladies were doing; and then read my plan to her, which I advocated long +and earnestly. She finally agreed with me that it would be better +speedily to establish a small hospital than to wait for the large sum that +had been proposed; though she did not approve of the scheme of the dime +collection, fearing that I would not only meet with great annoyances, but +would also injure my health in the effort. At that time, after some +discussion, I agreed with her: now I think that this plan would have been +better than that which I afterwards followed. On the same evening, I +proposed, and we agreed, that, on a year from that day (the 1st of May, +1857), the New-York Infirmary should be opened. + +I went to rest with a light heart, but rose sorrowfully in the morning. +"In one year from to-day, the Infirmary must be opened," said I to myself; +"and the funds towards it are two pairs of half-knit babies' stockings." +The day was passed in thinking what was the next best scheme to raise +money for its foundation. At length I remembered my visit to Boston, and +some friends there whose influence might help me _to beg_ for an +_institution for American women_. For myself I could never have begged; I +would sooner have drowned myself: now I determined to beg money from +Americans to establish an institution for their own benefit. This plan was +disclosed to Dr. Blackwell, and agreed upon, as there was nothing risked +in it; I taking the whole responsibility. + +On the next day, the fair-meeting was held at Dr. Blackwell's. The new +plan was brought forward; and, although it was as yet nothing but a plan, +it acted like a warm, soft rain upon a field after a long drought. The +knitting and sewing (for which I have a private horror under all +conditions) were laid aside, to my great relief; and the project was +talked of with so much enthusiasm, that I already saw myself in +imagination making my evening visits to the patients in the New-York +Infirmary; while all the members present (and there were unusually many; I +think, six or seven) discussed the question the next day among their +circles of friends, whether Henry Ward Beecher or a physician of high +standing should make the opening speech in the institution. + +This excitement increased the interest exceedingly and the succeeding +meetings were quite enthusiastic. The babies' stockings were never again +resumed (don't think that, because I detested those stockings so much, I +am cruel enough to wish the little creatures to go barefoot); but plans +were made for raising money in New York, and for getting articles for sale +on a larger scale. Dr. Blackwell wrote to her sister. Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who was at that time studying in England, requesting her to +make collections among their friends in that country; which she did with +success. + +After having thus thoroughly impressed the public mind with the idea that +the Infirmary must be opened, we began to look about for a suitable house. +In autumn, I went to Boston to see what aid could be obtained there. I +cannot tell you here in what manner I became acquainted with a circle of +noble women, who had both means and the disposition to employ them for +such a purpose: it suffices to say, that I interested them in the +undertaking and obtained a hundred dollars towards the expenses of the +fair, together with a promise of a large table of fancy-goods, and an +invitation to come again in case any further aid was needed. At the end of +three weeks, I left Boston for Philadelphia; but here I was not +successful, as all who were interested in the medical education of women +contributed largely already to the Philadelphia College. A small table of +fancy-goods was the result of my visit there. The money and promise of +goods that I received in Boston stimulated our friends in New York to such +a degree, that, in spite of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's doubts as to whether +we should cover the expenses, the fair realized a thousand dollars. Yet +this was not half sufficient to commence the proposed hospital; and I +therefore proposed to Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell that I should go on another +begging tour through New England, while she and her sister (Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who had arrived from England a week before the fair) should +arrange matters in New York, where they had more acquaintances than I. I +went for the second time to Boston in February, and met with unexpected +success; bringing back about six hundred dollars in cash, with promises of +a like sum for the ensuing two years. I had represented our scheme as a +three-years' experiment In the mean time, the Drs. Blackwell had hired a +large, old-fashioned house, No. 64, Bleeker Street, which we had looked at +together, and which was very well suited to our purpose, devoting the rest +of their time chiefly to endeavors to interest the Legislature in our +enterprise; the result of which was, that, though nothing was granted us +that spring, the next winter, when we could show our institution in +operation, the usual dispensary grant was extended to us. + +On the 3d of April, I returned from Boston, and almost immediately went to +work with some of our lady-managers to order beds and to furnish the +house and dispensary, and also to superintend the internal changes. After +five weeks of hard work, I had the pleasure, on the 15th of May, 1857, of +listening in the wards of the New-York Infirmary to the opening speeches +delivered by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, Dr. Elder, and Rev. Dudley Tyng. + +A few days afterwards, I admitted the first house-patient and opened the +dispensary, which I attended two days in the week; Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell taking charge of it for the remaining four days. I had +offered two years' gratuitous services as my contribution to the +Infirmary, remaining there not only as resident physician, but also as +superintendent of the household and general manager; and attending to my +private practice during the afternoon. The institution grew rapidly, and +the number of dispensary patients increased to such an extent, that the +time from seven in the morning until one in the afternoon was wholly +occupied in the examination of cases. In the second year of the existence +of the Infirmary the state of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's health compelled +her to go to Europe: and for nine months Dr. Emily Blackwell and I took +charge of the business, which at this time was considerable; the +attendance at the dispensary averaging sixty daily. + +During the course of this year, I received letters from some of the +Trustees of the New-England Female Medical College in Boston, inquiring +whether I were inclined to take charge of a hospital in connection with +that institution. A consultation on the subject with Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell seemed to prove to us, that by doing this, and helping the +college to attain its objects, we could probably best aid the cause of the +medical education of women. After hesitating for a long time what course +to pursue, I went to Boston in the spring of 1859, in order to define in a +public address my views and position in respect to the study of medicine. +I found so great a desire prevailing for the elevation of the institution +to the standard of the male medical colleges, and such enthusiasm in +respect to the proposed hospital, that I concluded at once to leave the +Infirmary; Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's absence having proved that it could +be sustained by two, not only without loss, but with a steady increase, +secured by the good done by its existence. Having fulfilled my promise of +two years to the institution, on the 5th of June, 1859, I left for +Boston, where I am now striving to make the hospital-department as useful +as the New-York Infirmary is to the public and the students. + +Now, my dear Mary, you may think me very long in my story, especially in +the latter part, of which you know much already; but I could not refrain +from writing fully of this part of my life, which has been the object of +all my undertakings, and for which I have borne trials and overcome +difficulties which would have crushed nine out of ten in my position. I do +not expect that this will be the end of my usefulness; but I do expect +that I shall not have to write to you any more of my doings. It was simply +in order that you, my friend, should understand me fully, and because you +have so often expressed a wish to know my life before we met, that I +finished this work. Now you have me externally and internally, past and +present: and although there have been many influences besides which have +made their impressions on my peculiar development, yet they are not of a +nature to be spoken of as facts; as, for instance, your friendship for me. + +On looking back upon my past life, I may say that I am like a fine ship, +that, launched upon high seas, is tossed about by the winds and waves, +and steered against contrary currents, until finally stranded upon the +shore, where, from the materials, a small boat is built, just strong +enough to reach the port into which it had expected to enter with proudly +swelling sails. But this ambition is entirely gone; and I care now very +little whether the people recognize what is in me or not, so long as the +object for which I have lived becomes a reality. + +And now, my good friend, I must add one wish before I send these last few +pages to you; namely, that I may be enabled some day to go with you to +Berlin, to show you the scenes in which my childhood and youth were +passed, and to teach you on the spot the difference between Europe and +America. All other inducements to return have vanished. The death of my +father during the last year severed the last tie that bound me to my +native place. Nearly all the men who aided in promoting my wishes have +passed away; and the only stimulus that now remains to revisit the home of +my youth is the wish to wander about there with you, and perhaps two or +three other of my American friends. Until this can be accomplished, I hope +to continue my present work in the New-England Female Medical College, +which, though by no means yet what we wish it to be, is deserving of +every effort to raise it to the stand that it ought to take among the +medical institutions of America. + +Yours with love, + +Marie E. Zakrzewska. +Boston, September, 1859. + + * * * * * + +The sweet, pure song has ended. Happy she who has been permitted to set +its clear, strong notes to music. I need not murmur that my own old +hand-organ grows useless, since it has been permitted to grind out the +_key_. Yet Marie's story is told so modestly, and with so much personal +reserve, that, for the sake of the women whom we are both striving to +help, I must be forgiven for directing the public attention to a few of +its points. + +In all respects, the "little blind doctor" of the story is the Marie +Zakrzewska that we know. The early anecdotes give us the poetic +impressibility and the enduring muscular fibre, that make themselves felt +through the lively, facile nature. The voice that ordered the fetters +taken off of crazy Jacob is the voice we still hear in the wards of the +hospital. But that poetic impressibility did not run wild with crazy +fancies when she was left to sleep on the floor of the dead-house: the +same strong sense controlled it that started the "tassel manufactory" in +New York, where it had been meant to open a physician's office. Only +thirteen years old when she left school, she had but little aid beside a +_steady purpose_ in preparing for her career. We hear of her slatternly +habits; but who would ever guess them, who remembers the quiet, tasteful +dress of later years? + +How free from all egotism is the record! The brain-fever which followed +her attendance on her two aunts is mentioned as quietly as if it were a +sprained foot. Who of us but can see the wearing-away of nervous energy +which took place with the perpetual care of a cancer and a somnambulist +pressed also by the hard reading suggested by Dr. Arthur Lütze? Berlin +educated the second La Chapelle; but it was for America, not Germany. The +dreadful tragedy of Dr. Schmidt's death is hardly dwelt upon long enough +to show its full effects, so fearful is our friend of intruding a personal +matter. + +When "Woman's Right to Labor" was printed, many persons expressed their +regret that so little was said about sin and destitution in Boston itself; +and many refused to believe that every pit-fall and snare open in the Old +World gaped as widely here. "You have only the testimony of the girls +themselves," they would reply, when I privately told them what I had not +thought it wise to print. I have never regretted yielding to the motives +which decided me to withhold much that I knew. "If they believe not Moses +and the prophets, neither would they believe though one rose from the +dead," said, of old, the divine voice; and the hearts that were not +touched by what I thought it fit to tell would never have been stirred to +energy by fuller revelations. + +In these pages, authenticated by a pure and cultivated woman, who holds a +high position among us, every fact at which I hinted is made plain; and +here no careless talker may challenge the record with impunity. Here, as +in New York, smooth-faced men go on board the emigrant-ship, or the +steerage of the long-expected steamer; here, as there, they make friendly +offers and tell plausible lies, which girls who have never walked the +streets of Berlin at night, nor seen the occupants of a hospital-ward at +the Charité, can hardly be expected to estimate at their just worth. The +stories which I have told of unknown sufferers are here repeated. The +grand-daughter of Krummacher marries a poor shoemaker to save herself from +vice, and poor German Mary drowns herself in the Hudson because she feels +herself a burden on a heartless brother. Better far to sink beneath its +waves than beneath the more remorseless flood which sweeps over all great +cities. Now, when the story of the Water-street cap-makers is told, to be +matched by many another in Boston itself, it is no longer some ignorant, +half-trained stranger who tells the story, but the capable, skilled woman, +who, educated for better things, made tassels and coiffures, and accepted +commissions in embroidery, till the merchants were convinced that here, +indeed, was a woman without reproach. Water-street merchants would do well +to remember hereafter that the possibilities of a Zakrzewska lie hidden in +every oppressed girl, and govern themselves accordingly. Think of this +accomplished woman, able to earn no more than thirty-six cents a day,--a +day sixteen hours long, which finished a dozen caps at three cents each! +What, then, must become of clumsy and inferior work-women? Think of it +long and patiently, till you come to see, as she bids you, the true +relation between the idleness of women and money in the Fifth Avenue and +the hunted squalor of women without money at the Five Points. Women of +Boston, the parallel stands good for you. Listen, and you may hear the +dull murmur of your own "Black Sea," as it surges against your gateway. + +Hasten to save those whom it has not yet overwhelmed Believe me that many +of them are as pure and good as the babes whom you cradle in cambric and +lace. If you will not save them, neither shall you save your own beloved +ones from the current which undermines like a "back-water" your costliest +churches, your most sacred homes. + +Caroline H. Dall. +Oct. 29, 1860. + + + +L'Envoi. + +"Unbarred be all your gates, and opened wide, +Till she who honors women shall come in!" + +Dante: Sonnet xx. + + + + +Footnotes + + + +[1] Pronounced Zak-shef-ska. + +[2] "The undersigned, Secretary of Legation of the United States of +America, certifies that Miss Marie Elizabeth Zakrzewska has exhibited to +him very strong recommendations from the highest professional authorities +of Prussia, as a scientific, practical, experienced _accoucheuse_ of +unusual talent and skill. She has been chief _accoucheuse_ in the Royal +Hospital of Berlin, and possesses a certificate of her superiority from +the Board of Directors of that institution. She has not only manifested +great talent as a practitioner, but also as a teacher; and enjoys the +advantage of a moral and irreproachable private character. She has +attained this high rank over many female competitors in the same branch; +there being more than fifty[A] in the city of Berlin who threaten, by +their acknowledged excellence, to monopolize the obstetric art." + +Theo. S. Fay. + +"Legation United States, Berlin, Jan. 26, 1853." + +[SEAL.] + + [A] "Upon inquiry, I find that, instead of fifty, there are one hundred + and ten female _accoucheuses_ in Berlin. + + "THEO. S. FAY." + +[3] Here I have to remark, that, not being able to speak English, I +conducted my business at the different stores either in German or French, +as I easily found some of the _employées_ who could speak one of these +languages. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Practical Illustration of Woman's +Right to Labor, by Marie E. Zakrzewska + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11270 *** diff --git a/11270-h/11270-h.htm b/11270-h/11270-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4dbdd6d --- /dev/null +++ b/11270-h/11270-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3361 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8" ?> +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html> + +<head> +<title>A Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor;" by Marie E. Zakrzewska</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + + body { + margin .5em; + font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; + } + + h1, h2, h3, h4 { + text-align: center; + font-weight: bold; + font-variant: small-caps + } + + .smallcaps { font-variant: small-caps } + + a { text-decoration: none; } + a:hover { background-color: #ffffcc } + + div.chapter { + margin-top: 4em; + } + + hr { + height: 1px; + width: 80%; + } + + div.note { + border-style: dashed; + border-width: 1px; + border-color: #000000; + background-color: #ccffcc; + width: 80%; + font-size: .8em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + } + + div.chapter > div.note { + margin: 10px; + width: 40%; + float: right; + } + + div.note p { + margin: 10px 10px 10px 10px; + } + +--> +</style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11270 ***</div> + +<div class="note"><p>[<span class="smallcaps">Transcriber's Note:</span> Footnotes have been renumbered and moved to the end.]</p></div> + + +<div class="tp"> +<h1 class="title">A Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor;"</h1> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps">or,</p> + +<h2 class="subtitle">A Letter from Marie E. Zakrzewska, M.D.<br /> +Late of Berlin, Prussia</h2> + +<h2 class="author">Edited By + +Caroline H. Dall,</h2> + +<h3>Author of "Woman's Right To Labor,"<br /> +"Historical Pictures Retouched," &c. &c.</h3> + + +<blockquote class="epi"><p> + "Whoso cures the plague,<br /> + Though twice a woman, shall be called a leech."</p> + +<p> "And witness: she who did this thing was born<br /> + To do it; claims her license in her work."</p> + +<p> Aurora Leigh.</p></blockquote> + + +<h3>1860.</h3> + +<h4>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by<br /> Walker, Wise, +and Co.<br /> + +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of +Massachusetts.</h4> +</div> + + +<div class="chapter" id="dedication"> +<p>To the Hon. Samuel E. Sewall, Faithful Always To "Women And Work," and One +of the Best Friends of The New-England Female Medical College, The Editor +Gratefully Dedicates This Volume.</p> + + + +<blockquote> +<p> "The men (who are prating, too, on their side) cry,<br /> + 'A woman's function plainly is ... to talk.'"</p> + +<p> "What<br /> + He doubts is, whether we can <i>do</i> the thing<br /> + With decent grace we've not yet done at all.<br /> + Now do it."</p> + +<p> "Bring your statue:<br /> + You have room."</p> + +<p> "None of us is mad enough to say<br /> + We'll have a grove of oaks upon that slope,<br /> + And sink the need of acorns."</p></blockquote> +</div> + + +<div class="chapter" id="preface"> +<h2>Preface.</h2> + + + +<p>It is due to myself to say, that the manner in which the Autobiography is +subordinated to the general subject in the present volume, and also the +manner in which it is <i>veiled</i> by the title, are concessions to the +modesty of her who had the best right to decide in what fashion I should +profit by her goodness, and are very far from being my own choice.</p> + +<p>Caroline H. Dall.</p> + +<p>49. Bradford Street, Boston,<br /> +Oct. 30, 1860.</p> +</div> + + +<div class="chapter" id="ch01"> +<h2>Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor"</h2> + + + +<p>It never happens that a true and forcible word is spoken for women, that, +however faithless and unbelieving women themselves may be, some noble men +do not with heart and hand attempt to give it efficiency.</p> + +<p>If women themselves are hard upon their own sex, men are never so in +earnest. They realize more profoundly than women the depth of affection +and self-denial in the womanly soul; and they feel also, with crushing +certainty, the real significance of the obstacles they have themselves +placed in woman's way.</p> + +<p>Reflecting men are at this moment ready to help women to enter wider +fields of labor, because, on the one side, the destitution and vice they +have helped to create appalls their consciousness; and, on the other, a +profane inanity stands a perpetual blasphemy in the face of the Most High.</p> + +<p>I do not exaggerate. Every helpless woman is such a blasphemy. So, indeed, +is every helpless man, where helplessness is not born of idiocy or +calamity; but society neither expects, provides for, nor defends, helpless +men.</p> + +<p>So it happened, that, after the publication of "Woman's Right to Labor," +generous men came forward to help me carry out my plans. The best printer +in Boston said, "I am willing to take women into my office at once, if you +can find women who will submit to an apprenticeship like men." On the same +conditions, a distinguished chemist offered to take a class of women, and +train them to be first-class apothecaries or scientific observers, as they +might choose. To these offers there were no satisfactory responses. "Yes," +said the would-be printers, "we will go into an office for six months; +but, by that time, our oldest sisters will be married, and our mothers +will want us at home."</p> + +<p>"An apprenticeship of six years!" exclaimed the young lady of a chemical +turn. "I should like to learn very much, so that I could be a chemist, <i>if +I ever had to</i>; but poison myself for six years over those 'fumes,' not +I." It is easy to rail against society and men in general: but it is very +painful for a woman to confess her heaviest obstacle to success; namely, +the <i>weakness of women</i>. The slave who dances, unconscious of degradation +on the auction-block, is at once the greatest stimulus and the bitterest +discouragement of the antislavery reformer: so women, contented in +ignominious dependence, restless even to insanity from the need of healthy +employment and the perversion of their instincts, and confessedly looking +to marriage for salvation, are at once a stimulus to exertion, and an +obstacle in our way. But no kind, wise heart will heed this obstacle. +Having spoken plain to society, having won the sympathy of men, let us see +if we cannot compel the attention of these well-disposed but thoughtless +damsels.</p> + +<p>"Six years out of the very bloom of our lives to be spent in the +printing-office or the laboratory!" exclaim the dismayed band; and they +flutter out of reach along the sidewalks of Beacon Street, or through the +mazes of the "Lancers."</p> + +<p>But what happens ten years afterward, when, from twenty-six to thirty, +they find themselves pushed off the <i>pavé</i>, or left to blossom on the +wall? Desolate, because father and brother have died; disappointed, +because well-founded hopes of a home or a "career" have failed; +impoverished, because they depended on strength or means that are +broken,--what have they now to say to the printing-office or the +apothecary's shop? They enter both gladly; with quick woman's wit, +learning as much in six months as men would in a year; but grumbling and +discontented, that, in competing with men who have spent their whole lives +in preparation, they can only be paid at half-wages. What does common +sense demand, if not that women should make thorough preparation for +trades or professions; and, having taken up a resolution, should abide by +all its consequences like men?</p> + +<p>Before cases like these my lips are often sealed, and my hands drop +paralyzed. Not that they alter God's truth, or make the duty of protest +against existing wrong any less incumbent: but they obscure the truth; +they needlessly complicate the duty.</p> + +<p>Perplexed and anxious, I have often felt that what I needed most was an +example to set before young girls,--an example not removed by superiority +of station, advantage of education, or unwonted endowment, beyond their +grasp and imitation.</p> + +<p>There was Florence Nightingale. But her father had a title: it was fair +to presume that her opportunities were titled also. All the girls I knew +wished they could have gone to the Crimea; while I was morally certain, +that the first amputation would have turned them all faint. There was +Dorothea Dix: she had money and time. It was not strange that she had +great success; for she started, a monomaniac in philanthropy, from the +summit of personal independence. Mrs. John Stuart Mill: had she ever +wanted bread? George Sand: the woman wasn't respectable. In short, +whomsoever I named, who had pursued with undeviating perseverance a worthy +career, my young friends had their objections ready. No one had ever been +so poor, so ill educated, so utterly without power to help herself, as +they; and, provoking as these objections were, I felt that they had force. +My young friends were not great geniuses: they were ordinary women, who +should enter the ordinary walks of life with the ordinary steadfastness +and devotion of men in the same paths; nothing more. What I wanted was an +example,--not too stilted to be useful,--a life flowing out of +circumstances not dissimilar to their own, but marked by a steady will, an +unswerving purpose. As I looked back over my own life, and wished I could +read them its lessons,--and I looked back a good way; for I was very +young, when the miserable destitution of a drunkard's wife, whom I +assisted, showed me how comfortable a thing it was to rest at the mercy of +the English common law,--as I looked back over my long interest in the +position of woman, I felt that my greatest drawback had been the want of +such an example. Every practical experiment that the world recorded had +been made under such peculiar circumstances, or from such a fortuitous +height, that it was at once rejected as a lesson.</p> + +<p>One thing I felt profoundly: as men sow they must reap; and so must women. +The practical misery of the world--its terrible impurity will never be +abated till women prepare themselves from their earliest years to enter +the arena of which they are ambitious, and stand there at last mature and +calm, but, above all, <i>thoroughly trained</i>; trained also at <i>the side of +the men</i>, with whom they must ultimately work; and not likely, therefore +to lose balance or fitness by being thrown, at the last moment, into +unaccustomed relations. A great deal of nonsense has been talked lately +about the unwillingness of women to enter the reading-room of the Cooper +Institute, where men also resort.</p> + +<p>"A woman's library," in any city, is one of the partial measures that I +deprecate: so I only partially rejoice over the late establishment of such +a library in New York. I look upon it as one of those half-measures which +must be endured in the progress of any desired reform; and, while I wish +the Cooper Institute and its reading-room God-speed with every fibre of my +consciousness, I have no words with which to express my shame at the +mingled hypocrisy and indelicacy of those who object to use it. What woman +stays at home from a ball because she will meet men there? What woman +refuses to walk Broadway in the presence of the stronger sex? What woman +refuses to buy every article of her apparel from the hands of a man, or to +let the woman's tailor or shoemaker take the measure of her waist or foot; +try on and approve her coiffure or bernouse?</p> + +<p>What are we to think, then, of the delicacy which shrinks from the +reading-room frequented by men; which discovers so suddenly that magazines +are more embarrassing than mazourkas; that to read in a cloak and hat +before a man is more indelicate than to waltz in his presence half denuded +by fashion?</p> + +<p>Of course, we are to have no patience with it, and to refuse utterly to +entertain a remonstrance so beneath propriety.</p> + +<p>The object of my whole life has been to inspire in women a desire for +<i>thorough training</i> to some special end, and a willingness to share the +training of men both for specific and moral reasons. Only by sharing such +training can women be sure that they will be well trained; only by +God-ordained, natural communion of all men and women can the highest moral +results be reached.</p> + +<p>"Free labor and free society:" I have said often to myself, in these two +phrases lies hidden the future purification of society. When men and women +go everywhere together, the sights they dare not see together will no +longer exist.</p> + +<p>Fair and serene will rise before them all heights of possible attainment; +and, looking off over the valleys of human endeavor together, they will +clear the forest, drain the morass, and improve the interval stirred by a +common impulse.</p> + +<p>When neither has any thing to hide from the other, no social duty will +seem too difficult to be undertaken; and, when the interest of each sex is +to secure the purity of the other, neither religion nor humanity need +despair of the result.</p> + +<p>It was while fully absorbed in thoughts and purposes like these, that, in +the autumn of 1856, I first saw Marie Zakrzewska.[<a href="#fn01">1</a>] During a short visit +to Boston (for she was then resident in New York), a friend brought her +before a physiological institute, and she addressed its members.</p> + +<p>She spoke to them of her experience in the hospital at Berlin, and showed +that the most sinning, suffering woman never passed beyond the reach of a +woman's sympathy and help. She had not, at that time, thoroughly mastered +the English language; though it was quite evident that she was fluent, +even to eloquence, in German. Now and then, a word failed her; and, with a +sort of indignant contempt at the emergency, she forced unaccustomed words +to do her service, with an adroitness and determination that I never saw +equalled. I got from it a new revelation of the power of the English +language. She illustrated her noble and nervous thoughts with incidents +from her own experience one of which was told in a manner which impressed +it for ever on my consciousness.</p> + +<p>"Soon after I entered the hospital," said Marie, "the nurse called me to a +ward where sixteen of the most forlorn objects had begun to fight with +each other. The inspector and the young physicians had been called to +them, but dared not enter the <i>mêlée</i>. When I arrived, pillows, chairs, +foot-stools and vessels had deserted their usual places; and one stout +little woman, with rolling eyes and tangled hair, lifted a vessel of +slops, which she threatened to throw all over me, as she exclaimed, 'Don't +dare to come here, you green young thing!'</p> + +<p>"I went quietly towards her, saying gently, 'Be ashamed, my dear woman, of +your fury.'</p> + +<p>"Her hands dropped. Seizing me by the shoulder she exclaimed, 'You don't +mean that you look on me as a woman?'</p> + +<p>"'How else?' I answered; while she retreated to her bed, all the rest +standing in the attitudes into which passion had thrown them.</p> + +<p>"'Arrange your beds,' I said; 'and in fifteen minutes let me return, and +find every thing right.' When I returned, all was as I had desired; every +woman standing at her bedside. The short woman was missing; but, bending +on each a friendly glance, I passed through the ward, which never gave me +any more trouble.</p> + +<p>"When, late at night, I entered my room, it was fragrant with violets. A +green wreath surrounded an old Bible, and a little bouquet rested upon +it. I did not pause to speculate over this sentimentality, but threw +myself weary upon the bed; when a light tap at the door startled me. The +short woman entered; and humbling herself on the floor, since she would +not sit in my presence entreated to be heard.</p> + +<p>"'You called me a woman,' she said, 'and you pity us. Others call us by +the name the world gives us. You would help us, if help were possible. All +the girls love you, and are ashamed before you; and therefore <i>I</i> hate +you--no: I will not hate you any longer. There was a time when I might +have been saved,--I and Joanna and Margaret and Louise. We were not bad. +Listen to me. If <i>you</i> say there is any hope, I will yet be an honest +woman.'</p> + +<p>"She had had respectable parents; and, when twenty years old, was deserted +by her lover, who left her three months pregnant. Otherwise kind, her +family perpetually reproached her with her disgrace, and threatened to +send her away. At last, she fled to Berlin; keeping herself from utter +starvation, by needlework. In the hospital to which she went for +confinement, she took the small-pox. When she came out, with her baby in +her arms, her face was covered with red blotches. Not even the lowest +refuge was open to her, her appearance was so frightful. With her baby +dragging at her empty breast, she wandered through the streets. An old hag +took pity on both; and, carefully nursed till health returned, her good +humor and native wit made those about her forget her ugly face. She was in +a brothel, where she soon took the lead. Her child died, and she once more +attempted to earn her living as a seamstress. She was saved from +starvation only by her employer, who received her as his mistress. Now her +luck changed: she suffered all a woman could; handled poison and the +firebrand. 'I thought of stealing,' she said, 'only as an amusement: it +was not exciting enough for a trade.'. She found herself in prison; and +was amused to be punished for a trifle, when nobody suspected her crime. +It was horrible to listen to these details; more horrible to witness her +first repentance.</p> + +<p>"When I thanked her for her violets, she kissed my hands, and promised to +be good.</p> + +<p>"While she remained in the hospital, I took her as my servant, and trusted +every thing to her; and, when finally discharged, she went out to service. +She wished to come with me to America. I could not bring her; but she +followed, and, when I was in Cleveland, inquired for me in New York."</p> + +<p>It will be impossible, for those who have not heard such stories from the +lips and in the dens of the sufferers, to feel as I felt when this dropped +from the pure lips of the lecturer. For the first time I saw a woman who +knew what I knew, felt what I felt, and was strong in purpose and power to +accomplish our common aim,--the uplifting of the fallen, the employment of +the idle, and the purification of society.</p> + +<p>I needed no farther introduction to Marie Zakrzewska. I knew nothing of +her previous history or condition; but when I looked upon her clear, broad +forehead, I saw "Faithful unto death" bound across it like a phylactery. I +did not know how many years she had studied; but I saw thoroughness +ingrained into her very muscle. I asked no questions of the clear, strong +gaze that pierced the assembly; but I felt very sure that it could be as +tender as it was keen. For the first time I saw a woman in a public +position, about whom I felt thoroughly at ease; competent to all she had +undertaken, and who had undertaken nothing whose full relations to her sex +and society she did not understand.</p> + +<p>I thanked God for the sight, and very little thought that I should see +her again. She came once more, and we helped her to establish the Women's +Infirmary in New York; again, and we installed her as Resident Physician +in the New-England Female Medical College.</p> + +<p>I had never felt any special interest in this college. I was willing it +should exist as one of the half-way measures of which I have spoken,--like +the reading-room in New York; but I was bent on opening the colleges which +already existed to women, and I left it to others to nurse the young life +of this. The first medical men, I felt assured, would never, in the +present state of public opinion, take an interest in a <i>female</i> college; +and I desired, above all things, to protect women from second-rate +instruction.</p> + +<p>But, when Marie Zakrzewska took up her residence in Springfield Street, it +was impossible to feel indifferent. Here was a woman born to inspire +faith; meeting all men as her equals till they proved themselves superior; +capable of spreading a contagious fondness for the study of medicine, as +Dr. Black once kindled a chemical enthusiasm in Edinburgh.</p> + +<p>Often did I ponder her past life, which had left significant lines on +face and form. We met seldom,--always with perfect trust. Whatever I might +have to say, I should have felt sure of being understood, if I had not +seen her for six months; nor could she have failed to find a welcome in my +heart for any words of hers.</p> + +<p>Then I heard the course of lectures which she delivered to ladies in the +spring of 1860. For the first time, I heard a woman speak of scientific +subjects in a way that satisfied me; nor should I have blushed to find +scientific men among her audience. I had felt, from the first, that her +life might do what my words never could: namely, inspire women with faith +to try their own experiments; give them a dignity, which should refuse to +look forward to marriage as an end, while it would lead them to accept it +gladly as a providential help. I did not fear that she would be untrue to +her vocation, or easily forsake it for a more domestic sphere. She had not +entered it, I could see, without measuring her own purpose and its use.</p> + +<p>It was with such feelings, and such knowledge of Marie, that in a private +conversation, last summer with Miss Mary L. Booth of New York, I heard +with undisguised pleasure that she had in her possession an autobiography +of her friend, in the form of a letter. I really longed to get possession +of that letter so intensely, that I dared not ask to see it: but I urged +Miss Booth to get consent to its publication; "for," I said, "no single +thing will help my work, I am convinced, so much."</p> + +<p>"I look forward to its publication," she replied, "with great delight: it +will be the sole labor of love, of my literary life. But neither you nor I +believe in reputations which death and posterity have not confirmed. What +reasons could I urge to Marie for its present publication?"</p> + +<p>"The good of her own sex," I replied, "and a better knowledge of the +intimate relations existing between free labor and a pure society. I know +nothing of our friend's early circumstances; but I cannot be mistaken in +the imprint they have left. This is one of those rare cases, in which a +life may belong to the public before it has closed."</p> + +<p>I returned to Boston. Later in the season, Miss Booth visited Dr. +Zakrzewska. Imagine my surprise when she came to me one day, and laid +before me the coveted manuscript. "It is yours," she said, "to publish if +you choose. I have got Marie's consent. She gave it very reluctantly; but +her convictions accord with yours, and she does not think she has any +right to refuse. As for me," Miss Booth continued, "I resign without +regret my dearest literary privilege, because I feel that the position you +have earned in reference to 'woman's labor' entitles you to edit it."</p> + +<p>In an interview which I afterwards held with Marie Zakrzewska, she gave me +to understand, that, had she been of American birth, she would never have +consented to the publication of her letter in her lifetime. "But," she +said, "I am a foreigner. You who meet me and sustain me are entitled to +know something of my previous history. Those whom I most loved are dead; +not a word of the record can pain them; not a word but may help some life +just now beginning. It will make a good sequel to 'Woman's Right to +Labor.'"</p> + +<p>"Only too good," I thought. "May God bless the lesson!"</p> + +<p>It was agreed between Miss Booth and myself, that the autobiography should +keep its original, simple form, to indicate how and why it was written: so +I invite my friends to read it at once with me. Here is something as +entertaining as a novel, and as useful as a treatise. Here is a story +which must enchant the conservative, while it inspires the reformer. The +somewhat hazy forms of Drs. Schmidt and Müller, the king's order to the +rebellious electors, the historic prestige of a Prussian locality,--all +these will lend a magic charm to the plain lesson which New York and +Boston need.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>New York, September, 1857.</p> + +<p>Dear Mary,</p> + +<p>It is especially for your benefit that I write these facts of my life. I +am not a great personage, either through inherited qualifications or the +work that I have to show to the world; yet you may find, in reading this +little sketch, that with few talents, and very moderate means for +developing them, I have accomplished more than many women of genius and +education would have done in my place, for the reason that confidence and +faith in their own powers were wanting. And, for this reason, I know that +this story might be of use to others, by encouraging those who timidly +shrink from the field of action, though endowed with all that is necessary +to enable them to come forth and do their part in life. The fact that a +woman of no extraordinary powers can make her way by the simple +determination, that whatever she can do she will do, must inspire those +who are fitted to do much, yet who do nothing because they are not +accustomed to determine and decide for themselves.</p> + +<p>I do not intend to weary you with details of my childhood, as I think that +children are generally very uninteresting subjects of conversation to any +except their parents, who naturally discover what is beautiful and +attractive in them, and appreciate what is said in correspondence with +their own feelings. I shall, therefore, only tell you a few facts of this +period of my life, which I think absolutely necessary to illustrate my +character and nature.</p> + +<p>I was born in Berlin, Prussia, on the 6th of September, 1829; and am the +eldest of a family of five sisters and one brother. My early childhood +passed happily, though heavy clouds of sorrow and care at times +overshadowed our family circle. I was of a cheerful disposition; and was +always in good humor, even when sick. I was quiet and gentle in all my +amusements: my chief delight consisting in telling stories to my sister, +one year younger than myself, who was always glad to listen to these +products of my imagination, which were wholly original; for no stories +were told me, nor had I any children's books. My heroes and heroines were +generally distinguished for some mental peculiarity,--being kind or +cruel, active or indolent,--which led them into all sorts of adventures +till it suited my caprice to terminate their career. In all our little +affairs, I took the lead, planning and directing every thing; while my +playmates seemed to take it for granted, that it was their duty to carry +out my commands.</p> + +<p>My memory is remarkable in respect to events that occurred at this time, +while it always fails to recall dates and names. When twenty years of age, +I asked my father what sort of a festival he took me to once, in company +with a friend of his with only one arm, when we walked through meadows +where daisies were blossoming in millions, and where we rode in carriages +that went round continually until they were wound up. My father answered, +with much surprise, that it was a public festival of the cabinet-makers, +which was celebrated in a neighboring village; and that I was, at that +time, only nineteen months old.</p> + +<p>He was so much interested in my story, that I related another of my +memories. One dark morning, my mother wakened me, and hastened my +dressing. After this was accomplished, she handed me a cup of something +which I had never tasted before, and which was as disagreeable as +assafoetida in later years. This was some coffee, which I had to take +instead of my usual milk. Then I went with my father to the large park +called Thiergarten, where we saw the sun rise. I began to spring about; +looking at the big oaks which seemed to reach into the heavens, or +stooping down to pluck a flower. Birds of all kinds were singing in +chorus, while the flower-beds surrounding the statue of Flora scented the +pure morning air with the sweetest of perfumes. The sun ascended, +meanwhile, from the edge of a little pond covered with water-lilies. I was +intoxicated with joy. The feeling of that morning is as fresh to-day as +when I related this to my father. I know I walked till I got fairly tired, +and we reached a solitary house beyond the park. Probably fatigue took +entire possession of me; for I remember nothing more till we were on our +way home, and the sun was setting. Then I begged for some large yellow +plums which I saw in the stores. My father bought some, but gave me only a +few; while I had a desire for all, and stole them secretly from his +pockets; so that, when we reached home, I had eaten them all. I was sick +after I went to bed, and remember taking some horrible stuff the next +morning (probably rhubarb); thus ending the day, which had opened so +poetically, in rather a prosaic manner. When I repeated this, my parents +laughed, and said that I was only twenty-six months old, when my father's +pride in his oldest child induced him to take me on this visit; when I +walked the whole way, which was about <i>nine miles</i>. These anecdotes are +worth preserving, only because they indicate an impressionable nature, and +great persistence of muscular endurance. It is peculiar, that between +these two events, and a third which occurred a year after, every thing +should be a blank.</p> + +<p>A little brother was then born to me, and lay undressed upon a cushion, +while my father cried with sobs. I had just completed my third year, and +could not understand why, the next day, this little thing was carried off +in a black box.</p> + +<p>From that time, I remember almost every day's life.</p> + +<p>I very soon began to manifest the course of my natural tendencies. Like +most little girls, I was well provided with dolls; and, on the day after a +new one came into my possession, I generally discovered that the dear +little thing was ill, and needed to be nursed and doctored. Porridges and +teas were accordingly cooked on my little toy stove, and administered to +the poor doll, until the <i>papier-mˆché</i> was thoroughly saturated and +broken; when she was considered dead, and preparations were made for her +burial,--this ceremony being repeated over and over again. White dresses +were put on for the funeral; a cricket was turned upside-down to serve as +the coffin; my mother's flower-pots furnished the green leaves for +decoration; and I delivered the funeral oration in praise of the little +sufferer, while placing her in the tomb improvised of chairs. I hardly +ever joined the other children in their plays, except upon occasions like +these, when I appeared in the characters of doctor, priest, and +undertaker; generally improving the opportunity to moralize; informing my +audience, that Ann (the doll) had died in consequence of disobeying her +mother by going out before she had recovered from the measles, &c. Once I +remember moving my audience to tears by telling them that little Ann had +been killed by her brother, who, in amusing himself with picking off the +dry skin after she had had the scarlatina, had carelessly torn off the +real skin over the heart, as they could see; thus leaving it to beat in +the air, and causing the little one to die. This happened after we had all +had the scarlatina.</p> + +<p>When five years old, I was sent to a primary school. Here I became the +favorite of the teacher of arithmetic; for which study I had quite a +fancy. The rest of the teachers disliked me. They called me unruly because +I would not obey arbitrary demands without receiving some reason, and +obstinate because I insisted on following my own will when I knew that I +was in the right. I was told that I was not worthy to be with my +playmates; and when I reached the highest class in the school, in which +alone the boys and girls were taught separately, I was separated from the +latter, and was placed with the boys by way of punishment, receiving +instructions with them from men, while the girls in the other class were +taught by women. Here I found many friends. I joined the boys in all their +sports; sliding and snow-balling with them in winter, and running and +playing ball in summer. With them I was merry, frank, and self-possessed; +while with the girls I was quiet, shy, and awkward. I never made friends +with the girls, or felt like approaching them.</p> + +<p>Once only, when I was eleven years old, a girl in the young ladies' +seminary in which I had been placed when eight years of age won my +affection. This was Elizabeth Hohenhorst, a child of twelve, remarkably +quiet, and disposed to melancholy. She was a devout Catholic; and, knowing +that she was fated to become a nun, was fitting herself for that dreary +destiny, which rendered her very sentimental She was full of fanciful +visions, but extremely sweet and gentle in her manners. My love for her +was unbounded. I went to church in her company, was present at all the +religious festivals, and accompanied her to receive religious instruction: +in short, I made up my mind to become a Catholic, and, if possible, a nun +like herself. My parents, who were Rationalists, belonging to no church, +gave me full scope to follow out my own inclinations; leaving it to my +nature to choose for me a fitting path. This lasted until Elizabeth went +for the first time to the confessional; and, when the poor innocent child +could find no other sin of which to speak than the friendship which she +cherished for a Protestant, the priest forbade her to continue this, until +I, too, had become a Catholic; reminding her of the holiness of her future +career. The poor girl conscientiously promised to obey. When I came the +next morning and spoke to her as usual, she turned away from me, and burst +into tears. Surprised and anxious, I asked what was the matter; when, in a +voice broken with sobs, she told me the whole story, and begged me to +become a Catholic as soon as I was fourteen years old. Never in my whole +life shall I forget that morning. For a moment, I gazed on her with the +deepest emotion, pitying her almost more than myself; then suddenly turned +coldly and calmly away, without answering a single word. My mind had +awakened to the despotism of Roman Catholicism, and the church had lost +its expected convert. I never went near her again, and never exchanged +another word with her. This was the only friend I had during eight and a +half years of uninterrupted attendance at school.</p> + +<p>A visit that I paid to my maternal grandfather, when seven or eight years +old, made a strong impression on my mind. My grandfather, on his return +from the war of 1813-15, in which he had served, had received from the +authorities of Prenzlau (the city in which he lived) a grant of a +half-ruined cloister, with about a hundred acres of uncultivated land +attached, by way of acknowledgment for his services. He removed thither +with his family; and shortly after invited the widows of some soldiers, +who lived in the city, to occupy the apartments which he did not need. The +habitable rooms were soon filled to overflowing with widows and orphans, +who went to work with him to cultivate the ground. It was not long before +crippled and invalid soldiers arrived, begging to be allowed to repair the +cloister, and to find a shelter also within its walls. They were set to +work at making brick, the material for which my grandfather had discovered +on his land: and, in about five years, an institution was built, the more +valuable from the fact that none lived there on charity, but all earned +what they needed by cultivating the ground; having first built their own +dwelling, which, at this time, looked like a palace, surrounded by trees, +grass, and flowers. Here, in the evening, the old soldiers sung martial +songs, or told stories of the wars to the orphans gathered about them, +while resting from the labors of the day.</p> + +<p>I tell you of this institution so minutely, to prove to you how wrong it +is to provide charitable homes for the poor as we provide them,--homes in +which the charity always humiliates and degrades the individual. Here you +have an instance in which poor crippled invalids and destitute women and +children established and supported themselves, under the guidance of a +clear-headed, benevolent man, who said, "Do what you like, but work for +what you need." He succeeded admirably, though he died a very poor man; +his younger children becoming inmates of the establishment, until they +were adopted by their relatives.</p> + +<p>When I visited my grandfather, the "convent," as he insisted on calling +it,--rejecting any name that would have indicated a charitable +institution,--contained about a hundred invalid soldiers, a hundred old +women, and two hundred and fifty orphans. One of the wings of the building +was fitted up as a hospital, and a few of the rooms were occupied by +lunatics. It was my greatest delight to take my grandfather's hand at +noon, as he walked up and down the dining-room, between the long tables, +around which were grouped so many cheerful, hearty faces; and I stood +before him with an admiration that it is impossible to describe, as he +prayed, with his black velvet cap in his hand, before and after dinner; +though I could not comprehend why he should thank another person for what +had been done, when every one there told me that all that they had they +owed to my grandfather.</p> + +<p>One afternoon, on returning from the dining-room to his study, I spied on +his desk a neatly written manuscript. I took it up, and began to read. It +was a dissertation on immortality, attempting by scientific arguments to +prove its impossibility. I became greatly interested, and read on without +noticing that my grandfather had left the room, nor that the large bell +had rung to call the family to dinner. My grandfather, a very punctual +man, who would never allow lingering, came back to call and to reprimand +me; when he suddenly started on seeing the paper in my hands, and, +snatching it from me, tore it in pieces, exclaiming, "That man is insane, +and will make this child so too!" A little frightened, I went to the +dinner-table, thinking as much about my grandfather's words as about what +I had read; without daring, however, to ask who this man was. The next +day, curiosity mastered fear. I asked my grandfather who had written that +paper; and was told, in reply, that it was poor crazy Jacob. I then begged +to see him; but this my grandfather decidedly refused, saying that he was +like a wild beast, and lay, without clothes, upon the straw. I knew +nothing of lunatics; and the idea of a wild man stimulated my curiosity to +such an extent, that, from that time, I teased my grandfather incessantly +to let me see Jacob, until he finally yielded, to be rid of my +importunity, and led me to the cell in which he was confined. What a +spectacle presented itself in the house that I had looked on as the abode +of so much comfort! On a bundle of straw, in a corner of a room, with no +furniture save its bare walls, sat a man, clad only in a shirt; with the +left hand chained to the wall, and the right foot to the floor. An +inkstand stood on the floor by his side; and on his knee was some paper, +on which he was writing. His hair and beard were uncombed, and his fine +eyes glared with fury as we approached him. He tried to rise, ground his +teeth, made grimaces, and shook his fist at my grandfather, who tried in +vain to draw me out of the room. But, escaping from his grasp, I stepped +towards the lunatic, who grew more quiet when he saw me approach; and I +tried to lift the chain, which had attracted my attention. Then, finding +it too heavy for me, I turned to my grandfather and asked, "Does not this +hurt the poor man?" I had hardly spoken the words when his fury returned, +and he shrieked,--</p> + +<p>"Have I not always told you that you were cruel to me? Must this child +come to convince you of your barbarity? Yes: you have no heart."</p> + +<p>I looked at my grandfather: all my admiration of him was gone; and I said, +almost commandingly,--"Take off these chains! It is bad of you to tie this +man!"</p> + +<p>The man grew calm at once, and asked imploringly to be set free; +promising to be quiet and tractable if my grandfather would give him a +trial. This was promised him: his chains were removed the same day; and +Jacob was ever after not only harmless and obedient, but also a very +useful man in the house.</p> + +<p>I never afterwards accompanied my grandfather. I had discovered a side in +his nature which repelled me. I spent the remainder of my visit in the +workrooms and the sickroom, always secretly fearing that I should meet +with some new cruelty; but no such instance ever came to my view.</p> + +<p>On my return from my grandfather's, I found that a cousin had suddenly +become blind. She was soon after sent to the ophthalmic hospital, where +she remained for more than a year; and, during this time, I was her +constant companion after school-hours. I was anxious to be useful to her; +and, being gentler than the nurse, she liked to have me wash out the +issues that were made in her back and arms. The nurse, who was very +willing to be relieved of the duty, allowed me to cleanse the eyes of the +girl next my cousin; and thus these cares were soon made to depend on my +daily visit. Child as I was, I could not help observing the carelessness +of the nurses, and their great neglect of cleanliness. One day, when the +head-nurse had washed the floor, leaving pools of water standing under the +beds, the under-nurse found fault with it, and said, "I shall tell the +doctor, when he comes, why it is that the patients always have colds." +"Do," said the head-nurse. "What do men understand of such matters? If +they knew any thing about them, they would long ago have taken care that +the mattress upon which one patient dies should always be changed before +another comes in." This quarrel impressed itself upon my memory; and the +wish rose in my mind, that some day I might be head-nurse, to prevent such +wrongs, and to show kindness to the poor lunatics.</p> + +<p>At the end of the year, my cousin left the hospital At the same time, +trouble and constant sickness fell upon our family. My father, who held +liberal opinions and was of an impetuous temperament manifested some +revolutionary tendencies, which drew upon him the displeasure of the +government and caused his dismissal, with a very small pension, from his +position as military officer. This involved us in great pecuniary +difficulties; for our family was large, and my father's income too small +to supply the most necessary wants; while to obtain other occupation for +the time was out of the question In this emergency, my mother determined +to petition the city government for admission to the school of midwives +established in Berlin, in order in this manner to aid in the support of +the family. Influential friends of my father secured her the election; and +she was admitted to the school in 1839, I being at that time ten years of +age.</p> + +<p>The education of midwives for Berlin requires a two years' course of +study, during six months of which they are obliged to reside in the +hospital, to receive instructions from the professors together with the +male students. My mother went there in the summer of 1840. I went to stay +at the house of an aunt, who wished my company; and the rest of the +children were put out to board together.</p> + +<p>In a few weeks, my eyes became affected with weakness, so that I could +neither read nor write; and I begged my mother to let me stay with her in +the hospital. She applied for permission to the director, and received a +favorable answer. I was placed under the care of one of the physicians +(Dr. Müller), who took a great fancy to me, and made me go with him +wherever he went while engaged in the hospital. My eyes being bandaged, he +led me by the hand, calling me his "little blind doctor." In this way I +was constantly with him, hearing all his questions and directions, which +impressed themselves the more strongly on my mind from the fact that I +could not see, but had to gain all my knowledge through hearing alone.</p> + +<p>One afternoon, when I had taken the bandage off my eyes for the first +time, Dr. Muller told me that there was a corpse of a young man to be seen +in the dead-house, that had turned completely green in consequence of +poison that he had eaten. I went there after my rounds with him: but +finding the room filled with relatives, who were busily engaged in +adorning the body with flowers, I thought that I would not disturb them, +but would wait until they had gone before I looked at it; and went +meanwhile through the adjoining rooms. These were all freshly painted. The +dissecting-tables, with the necessary apparatus, stood in the centre; +while the bodies, clad in white gowns, were ranged on boards along the +walls. I examined every thing; came back, and looked to my heart's content +at the poisoned young man, without noticing that not only the relatives +had left, but that the prosector had also gone away, after locking up the +whole building I then went a second time to the other rooms, and looked +again at every thing there; and at last, when it became dark and I could +not leave the house, sat down upon the floor, and went to sleep, after +knocking for half an hour at the door, in the hope that some passer might +hear.</p> + +<p>My mother, who knew that I had gone with Dr. Müller, did not trouble +herself about me until nine o'clock, when she grew uneasy at my stay; and, +thinking that he might have taken me to his rooms, went there in search of +me, but found that he was out, and that the doors were locked. She then +inquired of the people in the house whether they knew any thing about me, +and was told that they had last seen me going into the dead-house. Alarmed +at this intelligence, my mother hastened to the prosector, who unwillingly +went with her to the park in which the dead-house stood, assuring her all +the way that I could not possibly be there; when, on opening the door, he +saw me sitting close by, on the floor, fast asleep.</p> + +<p>In a few days after this adventure, I recovered the use of my eyes. As it +was at this time the summer vacation, in which I had no school-tasks, I +asked Dr. Müller for some books to read. He inquired what kind of books I +wanted. I told him, "Books about history;" upon which he gave me two huge +volumes,--The "History of Midwifery" and the "History of Surgery." Both +were so interesting that I read them through during the six weeks of +vacation; which occupied me so closely that even my friend Dr. Müller +could not lay hold of me when he went his morning and evening rounds. From +this time I date my study of medicine; for, though I did not continue to +read upon the subject, I was instructed in the no less important branch of +psychology by a new teacher, whom I found on my return to school at the +close of the summer vacation.</p> + +<p>To explain better how my mind was prepared for such teaching, I must go +back to my position in school. In both schools that I attended, I was +praised for my punctuality, industry, and quick perception. Beloved I was +in neither: on the contrary, I was made the target for all the impudent +jokes of my fellow-pupils; ample material for which was furnished in the +carelessness with which my hair and dress were usually arranged; these +being left to the charge of a servant, who troubled herself very little +about how I looked, provided that I was whole and clean. The truth was, I +often presented a ridiculous appearance; and once I could not help +laughing heartily at myself, on seeing my own face by accident in a +glass, with one braid of hair commencing over the right eye, and the other +over the left ear. I quietly hung a map over the glass to hide the +ludicrous picture, and continued my studies; and most likely appeared in +the same style the next day. My face, besides, was neither handsome, nor +even prepossessing; a large nose overshadowing the undeveloped features: +and I was ridiculed for my ugliness, both in school and at home, where an +aunt of mine, who disliked me exceedingly, always said, in describing +plain people, "Almost as ugly as Marie."</p> + +<p>Another cause arose to render my position at school still more +intolerable. In consequence of the loss of his position in the army, my +father could no longer afford to pay my school-bills; and was about, in +consequence, to remove me from school; when the principal offered to +retain me without pay, although she disliked me, and did not hesitate to +show it, any more than to tell me, whenever I offended her, that she would +never keep so ugly and naughty a child <i>without being paid for it</i>, were +it not for the sake of so noble a father.</p> + +<p>These conditions and harsh judgments made me a philosopher. I heard myself +called obstinate and wilful, only because I believed myself in the right, +and persisted in it. I felt that I was not maliciously disposed towards +any one, but wished well to all; and I offered my services not only +willingly, but cheerfully, wherever they could be of the least use; and +saw them accepted, and even demanded, by those who could not dispense with +them, though they shunned and ridiculed me the same as before. I felt that +they only sought me when they needed me: this made me shrink still more +from their companionship; and, when my sister did not walk home from +school with me, I invariably went alone.</p> + +<p>The idea that I might not wish to attach myself to playmates of this sort +never occurred to any one; but I was constantly reproached with having no +friends among my schoolfellows, and was told that no one could love so +disagreeable and repelling a child. This was a severe blow to my +affectionate nature; but I bore it calmly, consoling myself with the +thought that they were wrong,--that they did not understand me,--and that +the time would come, when they would learn that a great, warm heart was +concealed beneath the so-called repulsive exterior. But, however soothing +all this was for the time, a feeling of bitterness grew up within me. I +began to be provoked at my ugliness, which I believed to be excessive. I +speculated why parents so kind and good as mine should be deprived of +their means of support, merely because my father would not consent to +endure wrong and imposition. I was indignant at being told, that it was +only for my father's sake that I was retained in a school where I tried to +do my best, and where I always won the highest prizes; and I could not see +why, at home, I should be forced to do housework when I wanted to read, +while my brother, who wished to work, was compelled to study. When I +complained of this last grievance, I was told that I was a girl, and never +could learn much, but was only fit to become a housekeeper. All these +things threw me upon my own resources, and taught me to make the most of +every opportunity, custom and habit to the contrary notwithstanding.</p> + +<p>It was at this juncture that I found, on my return to school, the +psychologic instructor of whom I have spoken, in a newly engaged teacher +of history, geography, and arithmetic; all of which were my favorite +studies. With this man I formed a most peculiar friendship: he being +twenty years older than myself, and in every respect a highly educated +man; I, a child of twelve, neglected in every thing except in my +common-school education. He began by calling my attention to the +carelessness of my dress and the rudeness of my manners, and was the first +one who ever spoke kindly to me on the subject. I told him all my +thoughts; that I did not mean to be disagreeable, but that every one +thought that I could not be otherwise; that I was convinced that I was +good enough at heart; and that I had at last resigned myself to my +position, as something that could not be helped. My new friend lectured me +on the necessity of attracting others by an agreeable exterior and +courteous manners; and proved to me that I had unconsciously repelled them +by my carelessness, even when trying the most to please. His words made a +deep impression on me. I thanked him for every reproach, and strove to do +my best to gain his approbation. Henceforth my hair was always carefully +combed, my dress nicely arranged, and my collar in its place; and, as I +always won the first prizes in the school, two of the other teachers soon +grew friendly towards me, and began to manifest their preference quite +strongly. In a few months I became a different being. The bitterness that +had been growing up within me gradually disappeared; and I began to have +confidence in myself, and to try to win the companionship of the other +children. But a sudden change took place in my schoolmates, who grew +envious of the preference shown me by the teachers. Since they could no +longer ridicule me for the carelessness of my dress, they now began to +reproach me for my vanity, and to call me a coquette, who only thought of +pleasing through appearances. This blow was altogether too hard for me to +bear. I knew that they were wrong: for, with all the care I bestowed on my +dress, it was not half so fine as theirs; as I had but two calico dresses, +which I wore alternately, a week at a time, through the summer. I was +again repelled from them; and at noon, when the rest of the scholars went +home, I remained with my teacher-friend in the schoolroom, assisting him +in correcting the exercises of the pupils. I took the opportunity to tell +him of the curious envy that had taken possession of the girls; upon which +he began to explain to me human nature and its fallacies, drawing +inferences therefrom for personal application. He found a ready listener +in me. My inclination to abstract thought, combined with the unpleasant +experience I had had in life, made me an attentive pupil, and fitted me to +comprehend his reasoning in the broadest sense. For fifteen months, I thus +spent the noon-hour with him in the schoolroom; receiving lessons in and +reasoning upon concrete and abstract matters, that have since proved of +far more psychologic value to me than ten years of reading on the same +subjects could do. A strong attachment grew up between us: he became a +necessity to me, and I revered him like an oracle. But his health failed; +and he left the school at the end of these fifteen months, in a +consumption. Shortly after, he sent to the school for me one morning to +ask me to visit him on his deathbed. I was not permitted to leave the +class until noon; when, just as I was preparing to go, a messenger came to +inform the principal that he had died at eleven. This blow fell so heavily +upon me, that I wished to leave the school at once. I was forced to stay +three weeks longer, until the end of the quarter; when I left the +schoolroom on the 1st of April, 1843, at the age of thirteen years and +seven months, and never entered it again.</p> + +<p>On the same day that I quitted my school, an aunt, with whom I was a +favorite, was attacked with a violent hemorrhage from the lungs, and +wished me to come to stay with her. This suited my taste. I went; and, for +a fortnight, was her sole nurse.</p> + +<p>Upon my return home, my father told me, that, having quitted school, I +must now become a thorough housekeeper, of whom he might be proud; as this +was the only thing for which girls were intended by nature. I cheerfully +entered upon my new apprenticeship, and learned how to sweep, to scrub, to +wash, and to cook. This work answered very well as long as the novelty +lasted; but, as soon as this wore off, it became highly burdensome. Many a +forenoon, when I was alone, instead of sweeping and dusting, I passed the +hours in reading books from my father's library, until it grew so late, +that I was afraid that my mother, who had commenced practice, would come +home, and scold me for not attending to my work; when I would hurry to get +through, doing every thing so badly, that I had to hear daily that I was +good for nothing, and a nuisance in the world; and that it was not at all +surprising that I was not liked in school, for nobody could ever like or +be satisfied with me.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, my mother's practice gradually increased; and her generous and +kindly nature won the confidence of hundreds, who, wretchedly poor, found +in her, not only a humane woman, but a most skilful practitioner. The poor +are good judges of professional qualifications. Without the aid that +money can buy, without the comforts that the wealthy hardly heed, and +without friends whose advice is prompted by intelligence, they must depend +entirely upon the skill and humanity of those to whom they apply. Their +life and happiness are placed in the hands of the physician, and they +jealously regard the one to whom they intrust them. None but a good +practitioner can gain fame and praise in this class, which is thought so +easily satisfied. It is often said, "Oh! those people are poor, and will +be glad of any assistance." Far from it. There is no class so entirely +dependent for their subsistence upon their strength and health; these +constitute their sole capital, their stock in trade: and, when sick, they +anxiously seek out the best physicians; for, if unskilfully attended, they +may lose their all, their fortune, and their happiness.</p> + +<p>My mother went everywhere, both night and day; and it soon came to pass, +that when she was sent for, and was not at home, I was deputed to go in +search of her. In this way I gradually became a regular appendage to my +mother; going with her in the winter nights from place to place, and +visiting those whom she could not visit during the day. I remember that in +January, 1845, my mother attended thirty-five women in childbed,--the list +of names is still in my possession,--and visited from sixteen to +twenty-five daily, with my assistance. I do not think, that, during the +month, we were in bed for one whole night. Two-thirds of these patients +were unable to pay a cent. During these years, I learned all of life that +it was possible for a human being to learn. I saw nobleness in dens, and +meanness in palaces; virtue among prostitutes, and vice among so-called +respectable women. I learned to judge human nature correctly; to see +goodness where the world found nothing but faults, and also to see faults +where the world could see nothing but virtue. The experience thus gained +cost me the bloom of youth; yet I would not exchange it for a life of +everlasting juvenescence. To keep up appearances is the aim of every one's +life; but to fathom these appearances, and judge correctly of what is +beneath them, ought to be the aim of those who seek to draw true +conclusions from life, or to benefit others by real sympathy.</p> + +<p>One fact I learned, both at this time and afterwards; namely, that men +always sympathize with fallen and wretched women, while women themselves +are the first to raise and cast the stone at them. Why is this? Have not +women as much feeling as men? Why, women are said to be made up entirely +of feeling. How does it happen, then, that women condemn where men pity? +Do they do this in the consciousness of their own superior virtue? Ah, no! +for many of the condemning are no better than the condemned. The reason +is, that men know the world; that is, they know the obstacles in the path +of life, and that they draw lines to exclude women from earning an honest +livelihood, while they throw opportunities in their way to earn their +bread by shame. All men are aware of this: therefore the good as well as +the bad give pity to those that claim it. It is my honest and earnest +conviction, that the reason that men are unwilling for women to enter upon +public or business life is, not so much the fear of competition, or the +dread lest women should lose their gentleness, and thus deprive society of +this peculiar charm, as the fact that they are ashamed of the foulness of +life which exists outside of the house and home. The good man knows that +it is difficult to purify it: the bad man does not wish to be disturbed in +his prey upon society. If I could but give to all women the tenth part of +my experience, they would see that this is true; and would see, besides, +that only faith in ourselves and in each other is needed to work a +reformation. Let woman enter fully into business, with its serious +responsibilities and duties; let it be made as honorable and as profitable +to her as to men; let her have an equal opportunity for earning competence +and comfort,--and we shall need no other purification of society. Men are +no more depraved than women; or, rather, the total depravity of mankind is +a lie.</p> + +<p>From the time of my leaving school until I was fifteen years old, my life +was passed, as I have described, in doing housework, attending the sick +with my mother, and reading a few books of a scientific and literary +character. At the end of this time, a letter came from an aunt of my +mother's, who was ill, and whose adopted daughter (who was my mother's +sister) was also an invalid, requesting me to visit and nurse them. I went +there in the fall. This was probably the most decisive event of my life. +My great-aunt had a cancer that was to be taken out. The other was +suffering from a nervous affection, which rendered her a confirmed +invalid. She was a most peculiar woman, and was a clairvoyant and +somnambulist of the most decided kind. Though not ill-natured, she was +full of caprices that would have exhausted the patience of the most +enduring of mortals.</p> + +<p>This aunt of mine had been sick in bed for seven years with a nervous +derangement, which baffled the most skilful physicians who had visited +her. Her senses were so acute, that one morning she fell into convulsions +from the effect of distant music which she heard. None of us could +perceive it, and we fully believed that her imagination had produced this +result. But she insisted upon it; telling us that the music was like that +of the Bohemian miners, who played nothing but polkas. I was determined to +ascertain the truth; and really found, that, in a public garden one and a +half miles from her house, such a troop had played all the afternoon. No +public music was permitted in the city, because the magistrate had +forbidden it on her account.</p> + +<p>She never was a Spiritualist, though she frequently went into what is now +called a trance. She spoke, wrote, sang, and had presentiments of the +finest kind, in this condition,--far better than I have ever seen here in +America in the case of the most celebrated mediums.</p> + +<p>She even prescribed for herself with success, yet was not a Spiritualist. +She was a somnambulist; and, though weak enough when awake, threatened +several times to pull the house down, by her violence in this condition. +She had strength like a lion, and no man could manage her. I saw the same +thing in the hospital later. This aunt is now healthy; not cured by her +own prescriptions or the magnetic or infinitesimal doses of Dr. Arthur +Lutze, but by a strong emotion which took possession of her at the time of +my great-aunt's death. She is not sorry that she has lost all these +strange powers, but heartily glad of it. When she afterwards visited us in +Berlin, she could speak calmly and quietly of the perversion to which the +nervous system may become subject, if managed wrongly; and could not tell +how glad she was to be rid of all the emotions and notions she had been +compelled to dream out. Over-care and over-anxiety had brought this about; +and the same causes could again bring on a condition which the ancients +deemed holy, and which the psychologist treats as one bordering on +insanity.</p> + +<p>The old aunt was extremely suspicious and avaricious. Eight weeks after my +arrival, she submitted to an operation. The operating surgeon found me so +good an assistant, that he intrusted me often with the succeeding dressing +of the wound. For six weeks, I was the sole nurse of the two; going from +one room to the other both night and day, and attending to the household +matters beside, with no other assistant than a woman who came every +morning for an hour or two to do the rough work; while an uncle and a +boy-cousin were continually troubling me with their torn buttons, &c.</p> + +<p>I learned in this time to be cheerful and light-hearted in all +circumstances; going often into the anteroom to have a healthy, hearty +laugh. My surroundings were certainly any thing but inspiring. I had the +sole responsibility of the two sick women; the one annoying me with her +caprices, the other with her avarice. In one room, I heard fanciful +forebodings; in the other, reproaches for having used a teaspoonful too +much sugar. I always had to carry the key of the storeroom to the old +aunt, in order that she might be sure that I could not go in and eat bread +when I chose. At the end of six weeks, she died; and I put on mourning for +the only time in my life, certainly not through grief.</p> + +<p>Shortly after the death of my aunt, the attending physician introduced me +to a disciple of Hahnemann by the name of Arthur Lutze; who was, I think, +a doctor of philosophy,--certainly not of medicine. Besides being an +infinitesimal homeopathist this man was a devotee to mesmerism. He became +very friendly towards me, and supplied me with books; telling me that I +would not only make a good homeopathic physician, but also an excellent +medium for mesmerism, magnetism, &c. At all events, I was glad to get the +books, which I read industriously; while he constantly supplied me with +new ones, so that I had quite a library when he left the place, which he +did before my return. He, too, lived in Berlin, and inquired my residence; +promising to visit me there, and to teach me the art he practised.</p> + +<p>I remained with my aunt until late in the spring; when my health failed, +and I returned home. I was very ill for a time with brain-fever; but at +last recovered, and set to work industriously to search for information in +respect to the human body. Dr. Lutze kept his word: he visited me at my +home, gave me more books, and directed my course of reading. But my +father, who had become reconciled to my inclination to assist my mother, +was opposed to homoeopathy, and especially opposed to Dr. Arthur Lutze. He +even threatened to turn him out of the house, if I permitted him to visit +me again; and burned all my books, except one that I snatched from the +flames.</p> + +<p>From this time, I was resolved to learn all that I could about the human +system. I read all the books on the subject that I could get, and tried +besides to educate myself in other branches. My father was satisfied with +this disposition, and was glad to hear me propose to have a French teacher +in the house, both for my sake and for that of the other children. I +studied in good earnest by myself at the same time, going through the +usual discipline of German girls. I learned plain sewing, dress-making and +the management of the household; but was allowed to use my leisure time as +I pleased. When my sisters went skating, I remained at home to study; when +they went to balls and theatres, I was thought the proper person to stay +to watch the house. Having become so much older, I was now of great +assistance to my mother in her business. No one complained any longer of +my ugliness or my rudeness. I was always busy; and, when at liberty, +always glad to do what I could for others; and, though these years were +full of hardships, I consider them among the happiest of my life. I was as +free as it was possible for any German girl to be.</p> + +<p>My household duties, however, continued distasteful to me, much to the +annoyance of my father, who still contended that this was the only sphere +of woman. From being so much with my mother, I had lost all taste for +domestic life: any thing out of doors was preferable to the monotonous +routine of the household. I at length determined to follow my inclinations +by studying, in order to fit myself to become a practitioner of midwifery, +as is usual in Berlin. My father was satisfied, and pleased with this +idea, which opened the way to an independent respectable livelihood; for +he never really wished to have us seek this in marriage. My mother did not +like my resolution at all. She practised, not because she liked the +profession, but because in this way she obtained the means of being +independent and of aiding in the education of the children. I persisted, +however, in my resolution; and immediately took measures to carry it into +effect by going directly to Dr. Joseph Hermann Schmidt, the Professor of +Midwifery in the University and Schools for Midwives, and Director of the +Royal Hospital Charité; while my father, who for several years held the +position of a civil officer, made the application to the city magistrates +for me to be admitted as a pupil to the School for Midwives in which my +mother had been educated. In order to show the importance of this step, it +is necessary to explain more fully the history and organization of the +school.</p> + +<p>About 1735, Justina Ditrichin (the wife of Siegemund, a distinguished +civil officer of Prussia) was afflicted with an internal disease which +baffled the skill of the midwives, who had pronounced her pregnant, and +none of whom could define her disorder. After many months of suffering, +she was visited by the wife of a poor soldier, who told her what ailed +her; in consequence of which, she was cured by her physicians. This +circumstance awakened in the mind of the lady an intense desire to study +midwifery; which she did, and afterwards practised it with such success, +that, in consequence of her extensive practice, she was obliged to confine +herself solely to irregular cases. She performed all kinds of operations +with masterly skill, and wrote the first book on the subject ever +published in Germany by a woman. She was sent for from all parts of +Germany, and was appointed body-physician of the Queen, and the ladies of +the court, of Prussia and Mark Brandenburg. Through her influence, schools +were established, in which women were instructed in the science and the +art of obstetrics. She also taught many herself; and a very successful and +respectable practice soon grew up among women. After her death, however, +this was discountenanced by the physicians, who brought it into such +disrepute by their ridicule, that the educated class of women withdrew +from the profession, leaving it in the hands of ignorant pretenders, who +continued to practise it until 1818; when public attention was called to +the subject, and strict laws were enacted, by which women were required to +call in a male practitioner in every irregular case of confinement, under +penalty of from one to twenty years of imprisonment, and the forfeiture of +the right to practise. These laws still continue in force; and a +remarkable case is recorded by Dr. Schmidt of a woman, who, feeling her +own competency to manage a case committed to her care, <i>did not</i> send for +a male physician as the law required. Although it was fully proved that +she had done every thing that could have been done in the case, her +penalty was imprisonment for twenty years. Two other cases are quoted by +Dr. Schmidt, in which male practitioners were summoned before a legal +tribunal, and it was proved that they <i>had not</i> done that which was +necessary; yet their penalty was no heavier than that inflicted on the +woman, who had done exactly what she ought.</p> + +<p>At this time (1818), it was also made illegal for any woman to practise +who had not been educated. This brought the profession again into repute +among women of the higher classes. A school for midwives, supported by +the government, was established in Berlin, in which women have since +continued to be educated for practice in this city and in other parts of +Prussia. Two midwives are elected each year, by a committee, from the +applicants, to be educated for practice in Berlin; and, as they have to +study two years, there are always four of these students in the school, +two graduating every year. The remainder of the students are from the +provincial districts. To be admitted to this school is considered a stroke +of good fortune; as there are generally more than a hundred applicants, +many of whom have to wait eight or ten years before they are elected. +There is, besides, a great deal of favoritism; those women being generally +chosen who are the widows or wives of civil officers or physicians; to +whom this chance of earning a livelihood is given, in order that they may +not become a burden on the government. Though educated apart from the male +students while studying the theory of midwifery, they attend the +accouchement-ward together, and receive clinical or practical instruction +in the same class, from the same professor.</p> + +<p>The male students of medicine are admitted to the university at the age of +eighteen; having first been required to go through a prescribed course of +collegiate study, and to pass the requisite examination. Here they attend +the lectures of various professors, often of four or five upon the same +subject, in order to learn how it is treated from different points of +view. Then, after having thus studied for a certain length of time, they +present themselves for an examination by the professors of the university, +which confers upon them the title of "M.D.," without the right to +practise. They are then obliged to prepare for what is called the State's +examination, before a Board of the most distinguished men in the +profession appointed to this place by the government: these also +constitute the medical court. Of this number, Dr. Schmidt was one.</p> + +<p>Dr. Schmidt approved my resolution, and expressed himself warmly in favor +of it. He also recommended to me a course of reading, to be commenced at +once, as a kind of preliminary education; and, although he had no +influence with the committee of the city government who examined and +elected the pupils, he promised to call upon some of them, and urge my +election. But, despite his recommendation and my father's position as +civil officer, I received a refusal, on the grounds that I was much too +young (being only eighteen), and that I was unmarried. The latter fault I +did not try to remove; the former I corrected daily; and, when I was +nineteen, I repeated my application, and received the same reply. During +this time, Dr. Schmidt became more and more interested in me personally. +He promised that he would do all in his power to have me chosen the next +year; while, during this time, he urged me to read and study as much as +possible, in order to become fully acquainted with the subject. As usual, +I continued to assist my mother in visiting her patients, and thus had a +fine opportunity for explaining to myself many things which the mere study +of books left in darkness. In fact, these years of preliminary practical +study were more valuable to me than all the lectures that I ever listened +to afterwards. Full of zeal and enthusiasm, and stimulated by a friend +whose position and personal acquirements inspired me with reverence and +devotion, I thought of nothing else than how to prepare myself in such a +way that I should not disappoint him nor those to whom he had commended +me. Dr. Schmidt was consumptive, and almost an invalid; often having to +lecture in a reclining position. The author of many valuable medical +works, and director of the largest hospital in Prussia (the Charité of +Berlin), he found a most valuable assistant in his wife,--one of the +noblest women that ever lived. She was always with him, except in the +lecture-room; and almost all of his works are said to have been written by +her from his dictation. This had inspired him with the highest possible +respect for women. He had the utmost faith in their powers when rightly +developed, and always declared their intellectual capacity to be the same +with that of men. This belief inspired him with the desire to give me an +education superior to that of the common midwives; and, at the same time, +to reform the school of midwives by giving to it a professor of its own +sex. To this position he had in his own mind already elected me; but, +before I could take it, I had to procure a legitimate election from the +city to the school as pupil; while, during my attendance he had to +convince the government of the necessity of such a reform, as well as to +bring over the medical profession: which was not so easily done; for many +men were waiting already for Dr. Schmidt's death in order to obtain this +very post, which was considered valuable.</p> + +<p>When I was twenty, I received my third refusal. Dr. Schmidt, whose health +was failing rapidly, had exerted himself greatly to secure my admission; +and the medical part of the committee had promised him that they would +give me their vote: but some theological influence was set to work to +elect one of the deaconesses in my stead, that she might be educated for +the post of superintendent of the lying-in ward of the hospital, which was +under Dr. Schmidt's care. She also was rejected, in order not to offend +Dr. Schmidt; but for this he would not thank them. No sooner had I carried +him the letter of refusal than he ordered his carriage, and, proceeding to +the royal palace, obtained an audience of the king; to whom he related the +refusal of the committee to elect me, on the ground that I was too young +and unmarried, and entreated of him a cabinet order which should compel +the city to admit me to the school; adding, that he saw no reason why +Germany, as well as France, should not have and be proud of a La Chapelle. +The king, who held Dr. Schmidt in high esteem, gave him at once the +desired order; and I became legally the student of my friend: though his +praise procured me intense vexation; for my name was dropped entirely, and +I was only spoken of as La Chapelle the Second; which would by no means +have been unpleasant had I earned the title; but to receive it sneeringly +in advance, before having been allowed to make my appearance publicly, was +indeed unbearable.</p> + +<p>On the third day after his visit to the king, Dr. Schmidt received me into +the class, and introduced me to it as his future assistant teacher. This +announcement was as surprising to me as to the class; but I took it +quietly, thinking that, if Dr. Schmidt did not consider me fit for the +place, he would not risk being attacked for it by the profession <i>en +masse</i>, by whom he was watched closely.</p> + +<p>On the same day, a little incident occurred which I must mention. In the +evening, instead of going alone to the class for practical instruction, I +accompanied Dr. Schmidt at his request. We entered the hall where his +assistant, the chief physician, had already commenced his instructions. +Dr. Schmidt introduced me to him as his private pupil, to whom he wished +him to give particular attention; ending by giving my name. The physician +hurriedly came up to me, and grasped my hand, exclaiming, "Why, this is my +little blind doctor!" I looked at him, and recognized the very Dr. Müller +with whom I used to make the rounds of the hospital when twelve years old, +and who had since risen to the position of chief physician. This +rencontre, and the interest that he manifested afterwards greatly +relieved Dr. Schmidt, who had feared that he would oppose me, instead of +giving me any special aid. During this winter's study, I spent the most of +the time in the hospital, being almost constantly at the side of Dr. +Schmidt. I certainly made the most of every opportunity; and I scarcely +believe it possible for any student to learn more in so short a time than +I did during this winter. I was continually busy; acting even as nurse, +whenever I could learn any thing by it. During the following summer, I was +obliged to reside wholly in the hospital; this being a part of the +prescribed education. Here I became acquainted with all the different +wards, and had a fine opportunity to watch the cases by myself. In the +mean time, Dr. Schmidt's illness increased so rapidly, that he feared to +die before his plans in respect to me had been carried out; especially as +the state of his health had compelled him to give up his position as Chief +Director of the Hospital Charité. His design was to make me chief +accoucheuse in the hospital, and to surrender into my hands his position +as professor in the School for Midwives, so that I might have the entire +charge of the midwives education. The opposition to this plan was +twofold: firstly, the theological influence that sought to place the +deaconess (Sister Catherine) in the position of house-midwife; and, +secondly, the younger part of the profession, many of whom were anxious +for the post of professor in the School for Midwives, which never would +have been suffered to fall into the hands of Sister Catherine. Dr. +Schmidt, however, was determined to yield to neither. Personal pride +demanded that he should succeed in his plan; and several of the older and +more influential members of the profession took his part, among whom were +Johannes Müller, Busch, Müller, Kilian, &c. During the second winter, his +lecturing in the class was only nominal; often nothing more than naming +the heads of the subjects, while I had to give the real instruction. His +idea was to make me feel the full responsibility of such a position, and, +at the same time, to give me a chance to do the work that he had declared +me pre-eminently capable of doing. This was an intrigue; but he could not +have it otherwise. He did not intend that I should perform his duty for +his benefit, but for my own. He wished to show to the government the fact +that I had done the work of a man like himself, and done it well; and +that, if he had not told them of his withdrawal, no one would have +recognized his absence from the result.</p> + +<p>At the close of this term, I was obliged to pass my examination at the +same time with the fifty-six students who composed the class. Dr. Schmidt +invited some of the most prominent medical men to be present, besides +those appointed as the examining committee. He informed me of this on the +day before the examination, saying, "I want to convince them that you can +do better than half of the young men at <i>their</i> examination."</p> + +<p>The excitement of this day I can hardly describe. I had not only to appear +before a body of strangers, of whose manner of questioning I had no idea, +but also before half a dozen authorities in the profession, assembled +especially for criticism. Picture to yourself my position: standing before +the table at which were seated the three physicians composing the +examining committee, questioning me all the while in the most perplexing +manner, with four more of the highest standing on each side,--making +eleven in all; Dr. Schmidt a little way off, anxious that I should prove +true all that he had said in praise of me; and the rest of the class in +the background, filling up the large hall. It was terrible. The trifling +honor of being considered capable was rather dearly purchased. I went +through the whole hour bravely, without missing a single question; until +finally the clock struck twelve, when every thing suddenly grew black +before my eyes, and the last question sounded like a humming noise in my +ear. I answered it--how I know not,--and was permitted to sit down and +rest for fifteen minutes before I was called to the practical examination +on the manikin. I gave satisfaction to all, and received the diploma of +the first degree. This by no means ended the excitement. The students of +the year were next examined. This examination continued for a week; after +which the diplomas were announced, when it was found that never before had +there been so many of the first degree, and so few of the third. Dr. +Schmidt then made it known that this was the result of my exertions, and I +was pronounced <i>a very capable woman</i>.</p> + +<p>This acknowledgment having been made by the medical men present at the +examination, Dr. Schmidt thought it would be an easy matter to get me +installed into the position for which I had proved myself capable. But +such could not be the case in a government ruled by hypocrisy and +intrigue. To acknowledge the capability of a woman did not by any means +say that she was at liberty to hold a position in which she could exercise +this capability. German men are educated to be slaves to the government: +positive freedom is comprehended only by a few. They generally struggle +for a kind of negative freedom; namely, for themselves: for each man, +however much he may be inclined to show his subserviency to those superior +in rank, thinks himself the lord of creation; and, of course, regards +woman only as his appendage. How can this lord of creation, being a slave +himself, look upon the <i>free development</i> and <i>demand of recognition</i> of +his appendage otherwise than as a nonsense, or usurpation of his exclusive +rights? And among these lords of creation I heartily dislike that class +which not only yield to the influence brought upon them by government, but +who also possess an infinite amount of narrowness and vanity, united to as +infinite servility to money and position. There is not ink and paper +enough in all the world to write down the contempt I feel for men in whose +power it is to be free in thought and noble in action, and who act to the +contrary to feed their ambition or their purses. I have learned, perhaps, +too much of their spirit for my own good.</p> + +<p>You can hardly believe what I experienced, in respect to intrigue, within +the few months following my examination. All the members of the medical +profession were unwilling that a woman should take her place on a level +with them. All the diplomatists became fearful that Dr. Schmidt intended +to advocate the question of "woman's rights;" one of them exclaiming one +evening, in the heat of discussion, "For Heaven's sake! the Berlin women +are already wiser than all the men of Prussia: what will become of us if +we allow them to manifest it?" I was almost forgotten in the five months +during which the question was debated: it became more than a matter of +personal intrigue. The real question at stake was, "How shall women be +educated, and what is their true sphere?" and this was discussed with more +energy and spirit than ever has been done here in America.</p> + +<p>Scores of letters were written by Dr. Schmidt to convince the government +that a woman could really be competent to hold the position in question, +and that I had been pronounced so by the whole Faculty. The next objection +raised was that my father was known as holding revolutionary principles; +and to conquer this, cost a long discussion, with many interviews of the +officials with my father and Dr. Schmidt. The next thing urged was that I +was much <i>too young</i>; that it would be necessary, in the course of my +duties, to instruct the young men also; and that there was danger in our +thus being thrown together. In fact, this reason, read to me by Dr. +Schmidt from one of the letters written at this time (all of which are +still carefully preserved), runs thus: "To give this position to Miss M. +E. Zakrzewska is dangerous. She is a prepossessing young lady; and, from +coming in contact with so many gentlemen, must necessarily fall in love +with some one of them, and thus end her career." To this I have only to +reply, that I am sorry that I could not have found <i>one</i> among them that +could have made me follow the suggestion. This objection however, seemed +for a while the most difficult to be met: for it was well known, that, +when a student myself, I had stood on the most friendly terms with my +fellow-students, and that they had often taken my part in little +disturbances that naturally came up in an establishment where no one was +permitted to enter or to leave without giving a reason, and where even my +private patients were sent away at the door because I did not know of +their coming, and could not announce to the doorkeeper the name and +residence of those who might possibly call.</p> + +<p>That this difficulty was finally conquered, I have to thank the students +themselves. My relation with these young men was of the pleasantest kind. +They never seemed to think that I was not of their sex, but always treated +me like one of themselves. I knew of their studies and their amusements; +yes, even, of the mischievous pranks that they were planning both for +college and for social life. They often made me their confidante in their +private affairs, and were more anxious for my approval or forgiveness than +for that of their relatives. I learned, during this time, how great is the +friendly influence of a woman even upon fast-living and licentious young +men; and this has done more to convince me of the necessity that the two +sexes should live together from infancy, than all the theories and +arguments that are brought to convince the mass of this fact. As soon as +it became known among the students that my youth was the new objection, +they treated it in such a manner that the whole thing was transformed into +a ridiculous bugbear, growing out of the imagination of the <i>virtuous</i> +opposers.</p> + +<p>Nothing now seemed left in the way of my attaining to the position; when +suddenly it dawned upon the mind of some that I was irreligious; that +neither my father nor my mother attended church; and that, under such +circumstances, I could not, of course, be a church-goer. Fortunately, I +had complied with the requirements of the law, and could therefore bring +my certificate of confirmation from one of the Protestant churches. By the +advice of Dr. Schmidt, I commenced to attend church regularly, and +continued until a little incident happened which I must relate here. One +Sunday, just after the sermon was over, I remembered that I had forgotten +to give instructions to the nurse in respect to a patient, and left the +church without waiting for the end of the service. The next morning, I was +summoned to answer to the charge of leaving the church at an improper +time. The inquisitor (who was one of those who had accused me of +irreligion), being vexed that I contradicted him by going to church +regularly, was anxious to make me confess that I did not care for the +service: but I saw through his policy as well as his hypocrisy, and simply +told him the truth; namely, that I had forgotten important business, and +therefore thought it excusable to leave as soon as the sermon was over. +Whether he sought to lure me on to further avowals, I know not: but, +whatever was his motive, he asked me, in reply, whether I believed that +he cared for the humdrum custom of church-going and whether I thought him +imbecile enough to consider this as any thing more than the means by which +to keep the masses in check; adding, that it was the duty of the +intelligent to make the affair respectable by setting the example of going +themselves; and that he only wished me to act on this principle, when all +accusations of irreligion would fall to the ground. I had always known +that this man was not my friend: but, when I heard this, I felt +disenchanted with the whole world; for I had never thought him more than a +hypocrite, whereas I found him the meanest of Jesuits, both in theory and +practice. I was thoroughly indignant; the more so, since I felt guilty +myself in going to church simply to please Dr. Schmidt. I do not remember +what answer I gave; but I know that my manners and words made it evident +that I considered him a villain. He never forgave me this, as all his +future acts proved to me: for, in his position of chief director of the +hospital, he had it in his power, more than any one else, to annoy me; and +that he did so, you will presently see.</p> + +<p>The constant opposition and attendant excitement together with the +annoyances which my father, as civil officer, had to endure, made him +resolve to present a declaration to the government, that I should never, +with his consent, enter the position. He had become so tired of my efforts +to become a public character in my profession, that he suddenly conceived +the wish to have me married Now, take for a moment into consideration the +facts that I was but twenty-two years of age, full of sanguine enthusiasm +for my vocation, and strong in the friendship of Dr. Schmidt. He had +inspired me with the idea of a career different from the common routine of +domestic life. My mother, overcoming her repugnance to my entering my +profession, had been my best friend, encouraging me steadily; while my +father, yielding to the troubles that it involved, had become disgusted +with it, and wished me to abandon my career. He was stern, and would not +take back his word. I could do nothing without his consent; while Dr. +Schmidt had finally overcome all difficulties, and had the prospect of +victory if my father would but yield. A few weeks of this life were +sufficient to drive one mad, and I am sure that I was near becoming so. I +was resolved to run away from home or to kill myself while my father was +equally resolved to marry me to a man of whom I did not know the sight. +Matters finally came to a crisis through the illness of Dr. Schmidt, +whose health failed so rapidly, that it was thought dangerous to let him +be longer excited by the fear of not realizing his favorite scheme. Some +of his medical advisers influenced the government to appeal to my father +to withdraw his declaration; which, satisfied with the honor thus done +him, he did on the 1st of May, 1852. On the 15th of May, I received my +legal instalment to the position for which Dr. Schmidt had designed me. +The joy that I felt was great beyond expression. A youthful enthusiast of +twenty-two, I stood at the height of my wishes and expectations. I had +obtained what others only could obtain after the protracted labor of half +a lifetime; and already I saw myself in imagination occupying the place of +Dr. Schmidt's aspirations,--that of a German La Chapelle. No one, that has +not passed at the same age through the same excitement, can ever +comprehend the fulness of my rejoicing, which was not wholly selfish; for +I knew that nothing in the world would please Dr. Schmidt so much as this +victory. The wildest joy of an accepted suitor is a farce compared to my +feelings on the morning of that 15th of May. I was reconciled to my +bitterest opponents: I could even have thanked them for their opposition, +since it had made the success so much the sweeter. Not the slightest +feeling of triumph was in my heart; all was happiness and rejoicing: and +it was in this condition of mind and heart that I put on my bonnet and +shawl to carry the good news to Dr. Schmidt. Without waiting to be +announced, I hastened to his parlor, where I found him sitting with his +wife upon the sofa. I did not walk, but flew, towards them, and threw the +letter upon the table, exclaiming "There is the victory!" Like a +conflagration my joy spread to Dr. Schmidt as well as to his wife, who +thought that she saw in these tidings a cup of new life for her husband. I +only staid long enough to accept their congratulations. Dr. Schmidt told +me to be sure to come the next morning to enter legally upon my duties at +his side. Meanwhile, he gave me a vacation for the afternoon to see my +friends and carry them the news. He saw that I needed the open air, and +felt that he, too, must have it to counteract his joy. I went to tell my +father and several friends, and spent the day in blissful ignorance of the +dreadful event that was transpiring.</p> + +<p>The next morning, at seven o'clock, I left home to go to my residence in +the hospital. I had not slept during the night: the youthful fire of +enthusiasm burnt too violently to allow me any rest. The old doorkeeper +opened the door for me, and gazed at me with an air of surprise. "What is +the matter?" I asked. "I am astonished to see you so cheerful," said he. +"Why?" I asked with astonishment. "Don't you know that Dr. Schmidt is +dead?" was the answer. Dr. Schmidt dead! I trembled; I staggered; I fell +upon a chair. The beautiful entrance-hall, serving also as a greenhouse +during the winter, filled in every place with flowers and tropical fruit, +faded from my eyes; and in its stead I saw nothing but laughing faces, +distorted with scorn and mockery. A flood of tears cooled the heat of my +brain, and a calmness like that of death soon took possession of me. I had +fallen from the topmost height of joy and happiness to the profoundest +depth of disappointment and despair. If there were nothing else to prove +the strength of my mind, the endurance of this sudden change would be +sufficient.</p> + +<p>I went at once to Dr. Schmidt's residence in the Hospital Park, where I +met him again, not as I had expected an hour before, ready to go with me +to the hospital-department which I was henceforth to superintend, but a +corpse. After I had left the day before, he had expressed a wish to go +into the open air, he being not much less excited than myself. Mrs. +Schmidt ordered the carriage, and they drove to the large park. He talked +constantly and excitedly about the satisfaction that he felt in this +success, until they arrived; when he wished to get out of the carriage, +and walk with his wife. Mrs. Schmidt consented; but they had scarcely +taken a few steps when he sank to the ground, and a gush of blood from his +mouth terminated his existence.</p> + +<p>I left Dr. Schmidt's house, and entered alone into the wards, where I felt +that I was without friendly encouragement and support. During the three +days that intervened before the burial of Dr. Schmidt, I was hardly +conscious of any thing, but moved about mechanically like an automaton. +The next few days were days of confusion; for the death of Dr. Schmidt had +left so many places vacant that some fifty persons were struggling to +obtain some one of his offices. The eagerness, servility, and meanness +which these educated men displayed in striving to conquer their rivals was +more than disgusting. The serpents that lie in wait for their prey are +endurable; for we know that it is their nature to be cunning and +relentless: but to see men of intellect and education sly and snaky, +ferocious, yet servile to the utmost, makes one almost believe in total +depravity. The most of these men got what they deserved; namely, nothing: +the places were filled temporarily with others, and every thing went on +apparently as before. My position soon became very disagreeable. I had +received my instalment, not because I was wanted by the directors of the +hospital, but because they had been commanded by the government to accept +me in the hope of thus prolonging the life of Dr. Schmidt. Young and +inexperienced in petty intrigue, I had now to work without friendly +encouragement and appreciation, with no one about me in whom I had a +special interest; while every one was regretting that the instalment had +been given me before Dr. Schmidt's death, which might have happened just +as well from some other excitement, in an establishment where three +thousand people were constantly at war about each other's affairs. I +surveyed the whole arena, and saw very well, that, unless I practised +meanness and dishonesty as well as the rest, I could not remain there for +any length of time; for scores were ready to calumniate me whenever there +was the least thing to be gained by it.</p> + +<p>I was about to commence a new period of life. I had a solid structure as +a foundation; but the superstructure had been built up in so short a time, +that a change of wind would suffice to cast it down. I resolved, +therefore, to tear it down myself, and to begin to build another upon the +carefully laid basis; and only waited for an opportunity to manifest my +intention. This opportunity soon presented itself. Sister Catherine, the +deaconess of whom I have spoken, who had been allowed to attend the School +of Midwives after my election, through the influence of her theological +friends upon Dr. Schmidt (the city magistrates having refused her because +I was already the third accepted pupil), had as yet no position: and these +friends now sought to make her the second <i>accoucheuse</i>; I having the +first position, with the additional title of Chief. This she would not +accept. She, the experienced deaconess, who had been a Florence +Nightingale in the typhus epidemic of Silesia, was unwilling to be under +the supervision of a woman who had nothing to show but a thorough +education, and who was, besides, eight years younger than herself. Her +refusal made my enemies still more hostile. Why they were so anxious for +her services, I can only explain by supposing that the directors of the +hospital wished to annoy Pastor Fliedner, the originator of the +Kaiserswerth Sisterhood; for, in placing Sister Catherine in this +position, they robbed him of one of the very best nurses that he ever had +in his institution.</p> + +<p>My desire to reconcile the government of the hospital, in order that I +might have peace in my position to pursue my development and education so +as to realize and manifest to the people the truth of what Dr. Schmidt had +affirmed of me, induced me to go to one of the directors, and propose that +Sister Catherine should be installed on equal terms with me; offering to +drop the title of Chief, and to consent that the department should be +divided into two. My proposition was accepted nominally, and Sister +Catherine was installed, but with a third less salary than I received; +while I had to give the daily reports, &c., and to take the chief +responsibility of the whole. Catherine was quite friendly to me; and I was +happy in the thought that there was now one at least who would stand by +me, should any difficulties occur. How much I was mistaken in the human +heart! This pious, sedate woman, towards whom my heart yearned with +friendship, was my greatest enemy; though I did not know it until after my +arrival in America.</p> + +<p>A few weeks afterwards, the city petitioned to have a number of women +instructed in the practice of midwifery. These women were all experienced +nurses, who had taken the liberty to practise this art to a greater or +less extent from what they had learned of it while nursing; and, to put an +end to this unlawful practice, they had been summoned before an examining +committee, and the youngest and best educated chosen to be instructed as +the law required. Dr. Müller, the pathologist, was appointed to +superintend the theoretical, and Dr. Ebert the practical, instruction. Dr. +Müller, who never had given this kind of instruction before, and who was a +special friend of mine, immediately surrendered the whole into my hands; +while Dr. Ebert, whose time was almost wholly absorbed in the department +of the diseases of children, appointed me as his assistant. Both gentlemen +gave me certificates of this when I determined to emigrate to America.</p> + +<p>The marked preference for my wards that had always been shown by the male +students was shared by these women when they came. Sister Catherine was +neither ambitious nor envious; yet she felt that she was the second in +place. Drs. Müller and Ebert never addressed themselves to her; neither +did they impress the nurses and the servants with the idea that she was +any thing more than the head-nurse. All these things together made her a +spy; and, though nothing happened for which I could be reproved, all that +I said and did was watched and secretly reported. Under a despotic +government, the spy is as necessary as the corporal. The annoyance of this +reporting is, that the secrecy exists only for the one whom it concerns; +while the subaltern officers and servants receive hints that such a person +is kept under constant surveillance. When it was found that no occasion +offered to find fault with me, our administrative inspector was removed, +and a surly old corporal put in his place, with the hint that the +government of the hospital thought that the former inspector did not +perform his duty rightly, since he never reported disturbance in a ward +that had been notorious as being the most disorderly in former times. The +truth was, that, in my innocence of heart, I had been striving to gain the +respect and friendship of my enemies by doing my work better than any +before me had done. To go to bed at night regularly was a thing unknown to +me. Once I was not undressed for twenty-one days and nights; +superintending and giving instructions on six or eight confinement cases +in every twenty-four hours; lecturing three hours every afternoon to the +class of midwives; giving clinical lectures to them twice a week, for an +hour in the morning; superintending the care of some twenty infants, who +were epidemically attacked with purulent ophthalmia; and having, besides, +the general supervision of the whole department. But all this could not +overcome the hostility of my enemies, the chief cause of which lay in the +mortification at having been vanquished by my appointment. On the other +hand, I was happy in the thought that Mrs. Schmidt continued to take the +same interest in me as before, and was glad to hear of my partial success. +The students, both male and female, were devoted to me, and manifested +their gratitude openly and frankly. This was the greatest compensation +that I received for my work. The women wished to show their appreciation +by paying me for the extra labor that I performed in their instruction; +not knowing the fact, that I did it simply in order that they might pass +an examination which should again convince the committee that I was in the +right place. I forbade them all payment, as I had refused it to the male +students when they wished to pay me for their extra instruction on the +manikin: but in a true, womanly way, they managed to learn the date of +my birthday; when two or three, instead of attending the lecture, took +possession of my room, which they decorated with flowers; while en the +table they displayed presents to the amount of some hundred and twenty +dollars, which the fifty-six women of the class had collected among +themselves. This was, of course, a great surprise to me, and really made +me feel sad; for I did not wish for things of this sort. I wished to prove +that unselfishness was the real motive of my work; and thought that I +should finally earn the crown of appreciation from my enemies, for which I +was striving. This gift crossed all my plans. I must accept it, if I would +not wound the kindest of hearts; yet I felt that I lost my game by so +doing. I quietly packed every thing into a basket, and put it out of sight +under the bed, in order that I might not be reminded of my loss. Of +course, all these things were at once reported. I saw in the faces of many +that something was in agitation, and waited a fortnight in constant +expectation of its coming. But these people wished to crush me entirely. +They knew well that a blow comes hardest when least expected, and +therefore kept quiet week after week, until I really began to ask their +pardon in my heart for having done them the wrong to expect them to act +meanly about a thing that was natural and allowable. In a word, I became +quiet and happy again in the performance of my duties; until suddenly six +weeks after my birthday, I was summoned to the presence of Director Horn +(the same who had reprimanded me for leaving the church), who received me +with a face as hard and stern as an avenging judge, and asked me whether I +knew that it was against the law to receive any other payment than that +given me by the hospital. Upon my avowing that I did, he went on to ask +how it was, then, that I had accepted gifts on my birthday. This question +fell upon me like a thunderbolt; for I never had thought of looking upon +these as a payment. Had these women paid me for the instruction that I +gave them beyond that which was prescribed, they ought each one to have +given me the value of the presents. I told him this in reply, and also how +disagreeable the acceptance had been to me, and how ready I was to return +the whole at his command; since it had been my desire to prove, not only +my capability, but my unselfishness in the work. The man was ashamed; I +saw it in his face as he turned it away from me: yet he saw in me a proof +that he had been vanquished in intrigue, and was resolved that the +occasion should end in my overthrow. Much more was said about the +presents and their significance; and I soon ceased to be the humble woman, +and spoke boldly what I thought, in defiance of his authority, as I had +done at the time of the religious conversation (by the way, I never +attended church again after that interview.) The end was, that I declared +my readiness to leave the hospital. He wished to inflict direct punishment +on me; and forbade me to be present at the examination of the class, which +was to take place the next day. This was really a hard penalty, to which +he was forced for his own sake; for, if I had been present, I should have +told the whole affair to men of a nobler stamp, who would have opposed, as +they afterwards did, my leaving a place which I filled to their entire +satisfaction.</p> + +<p>I made my preparations to leave the hospital on the 15th of November. What +was I to do? I was not made to practise quietly, as is commonly done: my +education and aspirations demanded more than this. For the time, I could +do nothing more than inform my patients that I intended to practise +independently. My father again wished that I should marry; and I began to +ask myself, whether marriage is an institution to relieve parents from +embarrassment. When troubled about the future of a son, parents are ready +to give him to the army; when in fears of the destiny of a daughter, they +induce her to become the slave of the marriage bond. I never doubted that +it was more unendurable and unworthy to be a wife without love, than a +soldier without a special calling for that profession; and I never could +think of marriage as the means to procure a shelter and bread.</p> + +<p>I had so many schemes in my head, that I would not listen to his words. +Among these was especially the wish to emigrate to America. The +Pennsylvania Female Medical College had sent its first Report to Dr. +Schmidt, who had informed me of it as well as his colleagues, and had +advocated the justice of such a reform. This fact occurred to my memory; +and, for the next two months, I did nothing but speculate how to carry out +my design of emigration. I had lived rather expensively and lavishly, +without thinking of laying up any money; and my whole fortune, when I left +the Charité, consisted of sixty dollars.</p> + +<p>One thing happened in connection with my leaving the hospital, which I +must relate here. Director Horn was required to justify his conduct to +the minister to whom the change had to be reported; and a committee was +appointed to hear the accusation and pass judgment upon the affair. As +this was done in secrecy and not before a jury, and as the accuser was a +man of high rank, I knew nothing of it until Christmas Eve, when I +received a document stating that, <i>as a gratification for my services for +the benefit of the city of Berlin</i> in instructing the class of midwives, a +compensation was decreed me of fifty dollars. This was a large sum for +Berlin, such as was only given on rare occasions. I was also informed that +Director Horn was instructed to give me, should I ever demand it, a +first-class certificate of what my position had been in the hospital with +the title of Chief attached. Whatever I had suffered from the injustice of +my enemies, I was now fully recompensed. I inquired who had taken my part +so earnestly against Director Horn as to gain this action, and found that +it was Dr. Müller the pathologist, backed by several other physicians. +Director Horn, it was said, was greatly humiliated by the decision of +Minister von Raumer, who could not see the least justice in his conduct in +this matter; and, had I not left the hospital so readily, I should never +have stood so firmly as after this secret trial.</p> + +<p>It was done, however; and I confidently told my mother of my design to +emigrate. Between my mother and myself there existed, not merely the +strongest relation of maternal and filial love, but also a professional +sympathy and peculiar friendship, which was the result of two similar +minds and hearts, and which made me stand even nearer to her than as a +child I could possibly have done. She consented with heart and soul, +encouraged me in all my plans and expectations, and asked me at once at +what time I would leave. I next told my father and the rest of the family +of my plan. My third sister (Anna), a beautiful, joyous young girl, +exclaimed, "And I will go with you!" My father, who would not listen to my +going alone, at once consented to our going together. But I thought +differently In going alone, I risked only my own happiness: in going with +her, I risked hers too; while I should be constantly restricted in my +adventurous undertaking from having her with me, who knew nothing of the +world save the happiness of a tranquil family life. The next day, I told +them that I had changed my mind, and should not go away, but should +establish myself in Berlin. Of course, I received a torrent of gibes on my +fickleness; for they did not understand my feelings in respect to the +responsibility that I feared to take for my younger sister.</p> + +<p>I began to establish myself in practice. Mrs. Schmidt, who was anxious to +assist me in my new career, suggested to those physicians who were my +friends the establishment of a private hospital, which should be under my +care. She found them strongly in favor of the plan; and, had I not been +constantly speculating about leaving for America, this scheme would have +been realized. But I had resolved to emigrate, and took my measures +accordingly. I went secretly to Drs. Müller and Ebert, and procured +certificates from them attesting my position in respect to them in the +hospital. I then obtained the certificate from Director Horn, and carried +them all to the American Chargé d'Affaires (Theodore S. Fay) to have them +legalized in English, so that they could be of service to me in +America.[<a href="#fn02">2</a>]</p> + +<p>When I told Drs. Ebert and Müller and Mrs. Schmidt of my intention to +emigrate, they pronounced me insane. They thought that I had the best +field of activity open in Berlin, and could not comprehend why I should +seek greater freedom of person and of action. Little really is known in +Berlin about America, and to go there is considered as great an +undertaking as to seek the river Styx in order to go to Hades. The remark +that I heard from almost every quarter was, "What! you wish to go to the +land of barbarism, where they have negro slavery, and where they do not +know how to appreciate talent and genius?" But this could not prevent me +from realizing my plans. I had idealized the freedom of America, and +especially the reform of the position of women, to such an extent, that I +would not listen to their arguments. After having been several years in +America, very probably I would think twice before undertaking again to +emigrate; for even the idealized freedom has lost a great deal of its +charm, when I consider how much better it could be.</p> + +<p>Having put every thing in order, I told my father of my conclusion to +leave. He was surprised to hear of it the second time: but I showed him my +papers in readiness for the journey, and declared that I should go as soon +as the ship was ready to sail; having a hundred dollars,--just money +enough to pay my passage. He would not give his consent, unless my sister +Anna accompanied me; thinking her, I suppose, a counterpoise to any rash +undertakings in which I might engage in a foreign land. If I wished to go, +I was, therefore, forced to have her company; of which I should have been +very glad, had I not feared the moral care and responsibility. We decided +to go in a fortnight. My father paid her passage, and gave her a hundred +dollars in cash,--just enough to enable us to spend a short time in New +York: after which he expected either to send us more money, or that we +would return; and, in case we did this, an agreement was made with the +shipping-merchant that payment should be made on our arrival in Hamburg.</p> + +<p>On the 13th of March, 1853, we left the paternal roof, to which we should +never return. My mother bade us adieu with tears in her eyes; saying, "<i>Au +revoir</i> in America!" She was determined to follow us.</p> + +<p>Dear Mary, here ends my Berlin and European life; and I can assure you +that this was the hardest moment I ever knew. Upon my memory is for ever +imprinted the street, the house, the window behind which my mother stood +waving her handkerchief. Not a tear did I suffer to mount to my eyes, in +order to make her believe that the departure was an easy one; but a heart +beating convulsively within punished me for the restraint.</p> + +<p>My father and brothers accompanied us to the <i>dépôt</i>, where the cars +received us for Hamburg. On our arrival there, we found that the ice had +not left the Elbe, and that the ships could not sail until the river was +entirely free. We were forced to remain three weeks in Hamburg. We had +taken staterooms in the clipper ship "Deutschland." Besides ourselves, +there were sixteen passengers in the first cabin; people good enough in +their way, but not sufficiently attractive to induce us to make their +acquaintance. We observed a dead silence as to who we were, where we were +going, or what was the motive of our emigrating to America. The only +person that we ever spoke to was a Mr. R. from Hamburg, a youth of +nineteen, who, like ourselves, had left a happy home in order to try his +strength in a strange land. The voyage was of forty-seven days' duration; +excessively stormy, but otherwise very dull, like all voyages of this +kind; and, had it not been for the expectations that filled our hearts, we +should have died of <i>ennui</i>. As it was, the days passed slowly, made worse +by the inevitable sea-sickness of our fellow-passengers; and we longed for +the hour that should bring us in sight of the shores of the New World. And +now commences <i>my life in America</i>.</p> + +<p>"Dear Marie, best Marie! make haste to come upon deck to see America! Oh, +how pleasant it is to see the green trees again! How brightly the sun is +gilding the land you are seeking,--the land of freedom!" With such +childlike exclamations of delight, my sister Anna burst into my cabin to +hasten my appearance on deck on the morning of the 22d of May, 1853. The +beautiful child of nineteen summers was only conscious of a heart +overflowing with pleasure at the sight of the charming landscape that +opened before her eyes after a tedious voyage of forty-seven days upon the +ocean. We had reached the quarantine at Staten Island. The captain, the +old pilot, every one, gazed at her as she danced joyously about the deck, +with a mingled feeling of sadness and curiosity; for our reserve while on +shipboard had surrounded us with a sort of mystery which none knew how to +unravel.</p> + +<p>As soon as I had dressed for going on shore, and had packed up the things +that we had used on our voyage, in order that they might not be stolen +during this time of excitement, I obeyed the last call of my impatient +sister to come at least to see the last rays of sunrise; and went on deck, +where I was at once riveted by the beautiful scene that was spread before +my eyes. The green, sloping lawns, with which the white cottages formed +such a cheerful contrast; the trees, clad in their first foliage, and +suggesting hope by their smiling blossoms; the placid cows, feeding +quietly in the fields; the domestic chickens, just visible in the +distance; and the friendly barking of a dog,--all seemed to greet me with +a first welcome to the shores of this strange country: while the sun, +shining brightly from a slightly clouded sky, mellowed the whole +landscape, and so deeply impressed my soul, that tears sprang to my eyes, +and a feeling rose in my heart that I can call nothing else than +devotional; for it bowed my knees beneath me, and forced sounds from my +lips that I could not translate into words, for they were mysterious to +myself. A stranger in a strange, wide land, not knowing its habits and +customs, not understanding its people, not yet understanding its workings +and aims, my mind was not clouded with loneliness. I was happy. Had it not +been my own wish that had made me leave the home of a kind father, and of +a mother beloved beyond all earthly beings? I had succeeded in safely +reaching the shores of America. Life was again open before me. With these +thoughts, I turned from the beautiful landscape; and finding the captain, +a noble-hearted sailor, inquired of him how long it would take us to reach +the port of New York. "That is New York," said he, pointing to a dark mass +of buildings, with here and there a spire towering in the air. "We shall +reach there about eight o'clock; but it is Sunday, and you will have to +stay on board till to-morrow." With this he turned away, calling his men +to weigh anchor; as the physician, whose duty it was to inspect the cargo +of men, like cattle, had just left in his boat. On we went, my sister +still dancing and singing for joy; and Mr. R. and myself sitting somewhat +apart,--he looking dedespondently into the water, I with my head firmly +raised in the air, happy in heart, but thoughtful in mind, and trusting in +my inward strength for the future.</p> + +<p>I took my breakfast on deck. No one seemed to have any appetite; and I +felt somewhat reproved when I heard some one near me say, "She seems to +have neither head nor heart: see how tranquilly she can eat at such a time +as this!" These words were spoken by one of the cabin-passengers,--a young +man, who was exceedingly curious to know why I was going to America, and +had several times tried to make the rest of the passengers believe that it +must be in consequence of an unhappy love. The poor simpleton! he thought +that women could only enter into life through the tragedy of a broken +heart.</p> + +<p>A bell sounded. We were opposite Trinity Church, which had just struck +eight. On my right lay an enormous collection of bricks (houses I could +not call them; for, seen from the ship, they resembled only a pile of +ruins); on my left, the romantic shore of New Jersey. But the admiration +with which I had gazed upon Staten Island was gone as I stood before this +beautiful scene; the appreciation of Nature was mastered by another +feeling,--a feeling of activity that had become my ideal. I had come here +for a purpose,--to carry out the plan which a despotic government and its +servile agents had prevented me from doing in my native city. I had to +show to those men who had opposed me so strongly because I was a woman, +that in this land of liberty, equality, and fraternity, I could maintain +that position which they would not permit to me at home. My talents were +in an unusual direction. I was a physician; and, as such, had for years +moved in the most select circles of Berlin. Even my enemies had been +forced to give me the highest testimonials: and these were the only +treasure that I brought to this country; for I had given my last dollar to +the sailor who brought me the first news that land was in sight.</p> + +<p>I looked again upon New York, but with a feeling that a great mystery was +lying before my eyes,--a feeling that was confirmed by the men, who came +off to the ship in small boats, speaking a language that seemed like a +chaos of sounds. As I turned, I saw my sister coming slowly up from the +cabin with a changed air; and I asked her with surprise what was the +matter. "O Marie!" said she, "most of the passengers are called for. Mr. +R.'s brother has just come to take him on shore. He was so glad to see +him (for he thought he was in New Orleans), that I think he will forget to +say good-by. I am afraid that we shall have to stay here all alone, +and"--"Are the Misses Zakrzewska on board?" called a voice from a little +boat by the side of the ship. We looked down in surprise, but did not +recognize the man, who spoke as if he were an acquaintance. The captain +answered "Yes." Upon which the same voice said, "Mr. G. requests them to +wait: he will be here in a moment."</p> + +<p>This announcement surprised us the more that it came from a totally +unexpected quarter. An acquaintance of ours, who had emigrated to New York +a few years before, and had shortly after married a Mr. G., had heard from +her brother in Berlin of our departure for America in the ship +"Deutschland;" and these good people, thinking that they could be of use +to us in a new country, had been watching for its arrival. No one on board +dared ask a question as to who our friends were, so reserved had we been +in regard to our plans: only the young man who had accused me of having +neither head nor heart said, half aside, "Ah, ha! now we know the reason +why Miss Marie ate her breakfast so calmly, while her sister danced for +joy. They had beaux who were expecting them." "Simpleton!" thought I: +"must women always have beaux in order to be calm about the future?"</p> + +<p>Mr. G. came on board in a few minutes, bringing us from his wife an +invitation of welcome to her house. I cannot express in words the emotion +awakened in my heart by the really unselfish kindness that had impelled +these people to greet us in this manner; and this was increased when we +reached their very modest dwelling, consisting of a large shop in which +Mr. G. carried on his business of manufacturing fringes and tassels, one +sitting-room, a bedroom, and a small kitchen. My strength left me, and my +composure dissolved in a flood of tears. The good people did all that they +could to make us feel at home, and insisted that we should occupy the +sitting-room until we had decided what further to do. Of course, I +determined that this should be for as short a time as possible, and that +we would immediately look out for other lodgings.</p> + +<p>One-half of this first day was spent in talking about home; the other, in +making an excursion to Hoboken. This visit we would gladly have dispensed +with, so exhausted were we by the excitement that we had passed through +since sunrise; but our friends were bent on entertaining us with stories +and sights of the New World, and we followed them rather reluctantly. I +have since been glad that I did so; for my mind was in a state that +rendered it far more impressible than usual, and therefore better fitted +to observe much that would have been lost to me in a less-excited +condition. Here I first saw the type of common German life on Sunday in +America; and I saw enough of it on that one Sunday afternoon to last a +whole lifetime. My friends called on several of their acquaintances. +Everywhere that we went, I noticed two peculiarities,--comparative poverty +in the surroundings, and apparent extravagance in the manner of living: +for in every house we found an abundance of wine, beer, cake, meat, salad, +&c., although it was between the hours of meals; and every one was eating, +although no one seemed hungry. At nine o'clock in the evening, the visit +was concluded by going to a hotel, where a rich supper was served up to +us; and at eleven at night we returned home. My work in America had +already commenced. Was it not necessary for a stranger in a new country to +observe life in all its phases, before entering upon it? It seemed so to +me; and I had already planned, while on ship-board, to spend the first +month in observations of this kind. I had made a fair beginning; and, when +I saw many repetitions of this kind of life among my countrymen, I feared +that this was their main purpose in this country, and their consolation +for the loss of the entertainments and recreations which their fatherland +offered to them. But, as soon as I got opportunity to make my observations +among the educated classes I found my fear ungrounded; and I also found +that the Americans had noticed the impulse for progress and higher +development which animated these Germans. The German mind, so much honored +in Europe for its scientific capacity, for its consistency regarding +principles, and its correct criticism, is not dead here: but it has to +struggle against difficulties too numerous to be detailed here; and +therefore it is that the Americans don't know of its existence, and the +chief obstacle is their different languages. A Humboldt must remain +unknown here, unless he chooses to Americanize himself in every respect; +and could he do this without ceasing to be Humboldt the cosmopolitan +genius?</p> + +<p>It would be a great benefit to the development of this country if the +German language was made a branch of education, and not an accomplishment +simply. Only then would the Americans appreciate how much has been done by +the Germans to advance higher development, and to diffuse the true +principles of freedom. It would serve both parties to learn how much the +Germans aid in developing the reason, and supporting progress in every +direction. The revolution of 1848 has been more serviceable to America +than to Germany; for it has caused the emigration of thousands of men who +would have been the pride of a free Germany. America has received the +German freemen, whilst Germany has retained the <i>subjects</i>.</p> + +<p>The next morning, I determined to return to the ship to look after my +baggage. As Mr. and Mrs. G. were busy in their shop, there was no one to +accompany me: I therefore had either to wait until they were at leisure, +or to go alone. I chose the latter, and took my first walk in the city of +New York on my way to the North River, where the ship was lying. The noise +and bustle everywhere about me absorbed my attention to such a degree, +that, instead of turning to the right hand, I went to the left, and found +myself at the East River, in the neighborhood of Peck Slip. Here I +inquired after the German ship "Deutschland," and was directed, in my +native tongue, down to the Battery, and thence up to Pier 13, where I +found the ship discharging the rest of her passengers and their baggage. +It was eleven o'clock when I reached the ship: I had, therefore, taken a +three-hours' walk. I had now to wait until the custom-house officer had +inspected my trunks, and afterwards for the arrival of Mr. G., who came at +one o'clock with a cart to convey the baggage to his house. While standing +amidst the crowd, a man in a light suit of clothes of no positive color, +with a complexion of the same sort, came up to me, and asked, in German, +whether I had yet found a boarding-place The man's smooth face +instinctively repelled me; yet the feeling that I was not independently +established made me somewhat indefinite in my reply. On seeing this, he at +once grew talkative and friendly, and, speaking of the necessity of +finding a safe and comfortable home, said that he could recommend me to a +hotel where I would be treated honestly; or that, if I chose to be in a +private family, he knew of a very kind, motherly lady, who kept a +boarding-house for ladies alone,--not to make money, but for the sake of +her country-women. The familiarity that he mingled in his conversation +while trying to be friendly made me thoroughly indignant: I turned my back +upon him, saying that I did not need his services. It was not long before +I saw him besieging my sister Anna, who had come with Mr. G.; being +nervous lest I might not have found the ship. What he said to her, I do +not know. I only remember that she came to me, saying, "I am afraid of +that man: I wish that we could go home soon." This meeting with a man who +makes friendly offers of service may seem a small matter to the mere +looker-on; but it ceases to be so when one knows his motives: and, since +that time, I have had but too many opportunities to see for what end these +offers are made. Many an educated girl comes from the Old World to find a +position as governess or teacher, who is taken up in this manner, and is +never heard from again, or is only found in the most wretched condition. +It is shameful that the most effective arrangements should not be made for +the safety of these helpless beings, who come to these shores with the +hope of finding a Canaan.</p> + +<p>The week was mostly spent in looking for apartments; as we had concluded +to commence housekeeping on a small scale, in order to be more independent +and to save money. On our arrival, I had borrowed from my sister the +hundred dollars which my father had given her on our departure from +Berlin, and which was to be my capital until I had established myself in +business. I succeeded in finding a suite of rooms, with windows facing the +street, in the house of a grocer; and, having put them in perfect order, +we moved into them on the 6th of June, paying eleven dollars as our rent +for two months in advance.</p> + +<p>My sister took charge of our first day's housekeeping while I went to +deliver my letters of introduction. I went first to Dr. Reisig, in +Fourteenth Street. My mother, who had employed him when he was a young man +and we were small children, had spoken of him kindly; and, for this +reason, I had confidence in him. I found him a very friendly man, but by +no means a cordial one. He informed me that female physicians in this +country were of the lowest rank, and that they did not hold even the +position of a good nurse. He said that he wished to be of service to me if +I were willing to serve as nurse; and, as he was just then in need of a +good one, would recommend me for the position. I thanked him for his +candor and kindness, but refused his offer, as I could not condescend to +be patronized in this way. Depressed in hope, but strengthened in will, I +did not deliver any more of my letters, since they were all to physicians, +and I could not hope to be more successful in other quarters. I went home, +therefore, determined to commence practice as a stranger.</p> + +<p>The result of my experiment discouraged my sister greatly. After +meditating for some time, she suddenly said, "Marie, I read in the paper +this morning of a dressmaker who wanted some one to sew for her. I know +how to sew well: I shall go there, and you can attend to our little +household. No one here knows me, and I do not think there is any thing +wrong in my trying to earn some money."</p> + +<p>She was determined, and went. I put up my sign, and spent my time in +attending to the household duties, and in reading in order to gain +information of the country and the people. Occasionally I took walks +through different parts of the city, to learn, from the houses and their +surroundings the character of life in New York. I am sure that though, +perhaps, I appeared idle, I was not so in reality; for during this time I +learned the philosophy of American life.</p> + +<p>But our stock of money was becoming less and less. To furnish the rooms +had cost us comparatively little, as we had brought a complete set of +household furniture with us; but paying the rent and completing the +arrangements had not left us more than enough to live upon, in the most +economical manner, until the 1st of August. My sister obtained the place +at the dressmaker's; and after working a week from seven in the morning +until twelve (when she came home to dinner), then from one in the +afternoon until seven in the evening, she received two dollars and +seventy-five cents as the best sewer of six. She brought home the hardly +earned money with tears in her eyes; for she had expected at least three +dollars for the week's work. She had made each day a whole muslin dress, +with the trimmings. And this was not all: the dressmaker often did not pay +on Saturday nights, because, as she said, people did not pay her +punctually; and the poor girls received their wages by six or eight +shillings at a time. For the last two weeks of my sister's work, she +received her payment seven weeks after she had left.</p> + +<p>We lived in this manner until the middle of July, when I lost patience; +for practice did not come as readily as I wished, nor was I in a position +for making money in any other way. My sister, usually so cheerful and +happy, grew grave from the unusual work and close confinement. One of +these nights, on lying down to sleep, she burst into tears, and told me of +her doubts and fears for the future. I soothed her as well as I could, and +she fell asleep. For myself, I could not sleep, but lay awake all night +meditating what I could possibly do. Should I write home, requesting help +from my father? He certainly would have given it; for we had received a +letter two weeks before, offering us all desirable aid. No: all my pride +rebelled against it. "I must help myself," I thought, "and that +to-morrow."</p> + +<p>The next morning, my sister left me as usual. I went out, and walked +through the city to Broadway turning into Canal Street, where I had formed +an acquaintance with a very friendly German woman by purchasing little +articles at various times at her store. I entered without any particular +design, and exchanged a few commonplaces with her about the weather. Her +husband stood talking with a man about worsted goods, and their +conversation caught my ear. The merchant was complaining because the +manufacturer did not supply him fast enough: upon which the man answered, +that it was very difficult to get good hands to work; and that, besides, +he had more orders than it was possible to fill; naming several merchants +whose names I had seen in Broadway, who were also complaining because he +did not supply them. After he had left, I asked carelessly what kind of +articles were in demand, and was shown a great variety of worsted +fancy-goods. A thought entered my brain. I left the store, and, walking +down Broadway, asked at one of the stores that had been mentioned for a +certain article of worsted goods, in order to learn the price. Finding +this enormous, I did not buy it; and returned home, calculating on my way +how much it would cost to manufacture these articles, and how much profit +could be made in making them on a large scale. I found that two hundred +per cent profit might be made by going to work in the right way. My sister +came home, as usual, to dinner. I sat down with her, but could not eat. +She looked at me anxiously, and said, "I hope you are not sick again. Oh, +dear! what shall we do if you get sick?" I had been ill for a week, and +she feared a relapse. I said nothing of my plan, but consoled her in +respect to my health.</p> + +<p>As soon as she had left, I counted my money. But five dollars remained. If +I had been dependent upon money for cheerfulness, I should certainly have +been discouraged. I went to John Street, and, entering a large worsted +store, inquired of a cheerful-looking girl the wholesale price of the best +Berlin wool; how many colors could be had in a pound; &c. The pleasant and +ready answers that I received in my native tongue induced me to tell her +frankly that I wanted but a small quantity at that time, but that I +intended to make an experiment in manufacturing worsted articles; and, if +successful, would like to open a small credit, which she said they +generally would do when security was given.</p> + +<p>I purchased four and a half dollars' worth of worsted; so that fifty cents +were left in my pocket when I quitted the store. I then went to the office +of a German newspaper, where I paid twenty-five cents for advertising for +girls who understood all kinds of knitting. When my sister came home at +night, the worsted was all sorted on the table in parcels for the girls +who would come the next morning, while I was busily engaged in the +experiment of making little worsted tassels. I had never been skilful in +knitting; but in this I succeeded so well, that I could have made a +hundred yards of tassels in one day. My sister turned pale on seeing all +this; and hurriedly asked, "How much money have you spent?"--"All, my +dear Anna," answered I; "all, except twenty-five cents, which will be +sufficient to buy a pound of beefsteak and potatoes for to-morrow's +dinner. Bread, tea, and sugar we have still in the house; and to-morrow +night you will bring home your twenty-two shillings." "May you succeed, +Marie! that is all I have to say," was her reply. She learned of me that +evening how to make the tassels; and we worked till midnight, finishing a +large number.</p> + +<p>The next day was Saturday, and some women really came to get work. I gave +them just enough for one day, keeping one day's work in reserve. The day +was spent busily in arranging matters, so that, on Monday morning, I might +be able to carry a sample of the manufactured articles to those stores +that I had heard mentioned as not being sufficiently supplied.</p> + +<p>In the evening, my sister came home without her money: the dressmaker had +gone into the country in the afternoon, without paying the girls. She was +more than sad, and I felt a little uncomfortable; for what was I to do, +without money to provide for the next two days, or to pay those girls on +Monday with whose work I might not be satisfied? What was to be done? To +go down to our landlord, the grocer, and ask him to advance us a few +dollars? No: he was a stranger, and had no means of knowing that we would +return the money. Besides, I did not wish the people in the house to know +our condition.</p> + +<p>My resolution was taken. I proposed to my sister to go to the market with +me to buy meat and fruit for the morrow. She looked at me with blank +astonishment; but, without heeding it, I said calmly, taking from the +bureau-drawer the chain of my watch, "Anna, opposite the market, there is +a pawnbroker. No one knows us; and, by giving a fictitious name, we can +get money, without thanking any one for it." She was satisfied; and, +taking a little basket, we went on our errand. I asked of the pawnbroker +six dollars, under the name of Müller and received the money; after which +we made our purchases, and went home in quite good spirits.</p> + +<p>On Monday morning, the knitters brought home their work. I paid them, and +gave them enough for another day; after which I set about finishing each +piece, completing the task about two in the afternoon. This done, I +carried the articles to Broadway; and, leaving a sample in a number of +stores, received orders from them for several dozens.[<a href="#fn03">3</a>] I then went to +the worsted store in John Street, where I also obtained orders for the +manufactured articles, together with ten dollars' worth of worsted on +credit; having first given my name and residence to the book-keeper, with +the names of the stores from which I had received orders. In the evening, +when my sister came home, I was, therefore, safely launched into a +manufacturing business. The news cheered her greatly; but she could not be +induced to quit her sewing. The new business had sprung up so rapidly and +pleasantly that she could not trust in the reality of its existence. + +I must tell you here something of the social life that we led. We had +brought a number of friendly letters with us from our acquaintances in +Berlin to their friends and relatives in America; all of which, upon our +arrival, we sent by post, with the exception of two,--the one sent by a +neighbor to his son, Albert C.; the other to a young artist; both of whom +called for their letters. About four weeks after we were settled in New +York, we received a call from some young men whose sisters had been +schoolmates of my sisters in Berlin, who came to inquire of us where to +find Mr. C. We could give them no information, as we had not seen him +since he called for his letter; neither did we now see any thing of the +G.'s: but the acquaintance thus formed with these young men was continued, +and our solitude was now and then enlivened by an hour's call from them. +Soon after I had commenced my new business, they came one day in company +with Mr. C., whom they had met accidently in the street, and, on his +expressing a wish to see us, had taken the liberty to bring to our house.</p> + +<p>My business continued to prosper; and, by constantly offering none but the +best quality of goods for sale, in a very short time I had so much to do, +that my whole time in the day was occupied with out-door business, and I +was forced to sit up at night with my sister to prepare work for the +knitters. At one time, we had constantly thirty girls in our employ; and +in this way I became acquainted with many of those unfortunates who had +been misled and ruined on their arrival by persons pretending friendship. +Two of these in particular interested me greatly. One, the grand-daughter +of Krummacher, and bearing his name, was the daughter of a physician, who +had come to this country, hoping to find a place as governess. Poor girl! +she was a mere wreck when I found her, and all my efforts to raise her up +were in vain. She was sick, and in a terrible mental condition. We took +her into our house, nursed her and cared for her, and, when she had +recovered, supplied her with work; for which we paid her so well, that she +always had three dollars a week, which paid for her board and washing. It +was twice as much as she could earn, yet not enough to make her feel +reconciled with life. At one time, she did not come to us for a whole +week. I went to see her, and her landlady told me that she was melancholy. +I persuaded her to come and stay with us for a few days; but, in spite of +all my friendly encouragement I could not succeed in restoring her to +cheerfulness. She owned that she could not work merely to live: she did +not feel the pangs of hunger; but she felt the want of comforts to which +she had been accustomed, and which, in our days, are regarded as +necessities. She attempted to find a situation as governess; but her +proficiency in music, French, and drawing, counted as nothing. She had no +city references; and, having been two years in New York, dared not name +the place to which she had been conducted on her arrival. She left us at +last in despair, after having been a week with us. She never called again, +and I could not learn from her landlady where she had gone. Three months +afterwards, I heard from one of the girls in our employ that she had +married a poor shoemaker in order to have a home; but I never learned +whether this was true. About a year later, I met her in the Bowery, poorly +but cleanly dressed. She hastily turned away her face on seeing me; and I +only caught a glimpse of the crimson flush that overspread her +countenance.</p> + +<p>The other girl that I referred to was a Miss Mary ----, who came with her +mother to this country, expecting to live with a brother. They found the +brother married, and unwilling to support his sister; while his wife was +by no means friendly in her reception of his mother. The good girl +determined to earn a support for her mother, and a pretended friend +offered to take care of their things until she could find work and rent +lodgings. After four weeks' search, she found a little room and bedroom in +a rear-building in Elizabeth Street, at five dollars a month; and was +preparing to move, when her <i>friend</i> presented a bill of forty dollars for +his services. She could only satisfy his rapacity by selling every thing +that she could possibly spare: after which she commenced to work; and as +she embroidered a great deal, besides working for me (for which I paid her +six dollars a week), for a time she lived tolerably well. After some time, +her mother fell ill; and she had to nurse her and attend to the household, +as well as labor for their support. It was a trying time for the poor +girl. She sought her brother; but he had moved to the West. I did all that +I could for her; but this was not half enough: and, after I had quitted +the manufacturing business and left the city, my sister heard that she had +drowned herself in the Hudson, because her mother's corpse was lying in +the house, while she had not a cent to give it burial, or to buy a piece +of bread, without selling herself to vice.</p> + +<p>Are not these two terrible romances of New-York life? And many besides did +I learn among these poor women; so many, indeed, that I forget the details +of all. Stories of this kind are said to be without foundation: I say that +there are more of them in our midst than it is possible to imagine. Women +of good education, but without money, are forced to earn their living. +They determine to leave their home, either because false pride +preprevents their seeking work where they have been brought up as +<i>ladies</i>, or because this work is so scarce that they cannot earn by it +even a life of semi-starvation; while they are encouraged to believe that +in this country they will readily find proper employment. They are too +well educated to become domestics; better educated, indeed, than are half +the teachers here: but modesty, and the habit of thinking that they must +pass through the same legal ordeal as in Europe, prevent them from seeking +places in this capacity. They all know how to embroider in the most +beautiful manner; and, knowing that this is well paid for in Europe, seek +to find employment of this kind in the stores. Not being able to speak +English, they believe the stories of the clerks and proprietors and are +made to work at low wages, and are often swindled out of their money. They +feel homesick forlorn and forsaken in the world. Their health at length +fails them, and they cannot earn bread enough to keep themselves from +starvation. They are too proud to beg; and the consequence is, that they +walk the streets, or throw themselves into the river.</p> + +<p>I met scores of these friendless women. Some I took into my house; for +others I found work, and made myself a sort of guardian; while to others +I gave friendship to keep them morally alive. It is a curious fact, that +these women are chiefly Germans. The Irish resort at once to beggary or +are inveigled into brothels, as soon as they arrive; while the French are +always intriguing enough either to put on a white cap and find a place as +<i>bonne</i>, or to secure a <i>private</i> lover.</p> + +<p>I am often in despair about the helplessness of women, and the readiness +of men to let them earn money in abundance by shame, while they grind them +down to the merest pittance for honorable work. Shame on society, that +women are forced to surrender themselves to an abandoned life and death, +when so many are enjoying wealth and luxury in extravagance! I do not wish +them to divide their estates with the poor; I am no friend to communism in +any form: I only wish institutions that shall give to women an education +from childhood that will enable them, like young men, to earn their +livelihood. These weak women are the last to come forth to aid in their +emancipation from inefficient education. We cannot calculate upon these: +we must educate the children for better positions and leave the adults to +their destiny.</p> + +<p>How many women marry only for a shelter or a home! How often have I been +the confidante of girls, who the day before, arrayed in satin, had given +their hands to rich men before the altar, while their hearts were breaking +with suppressed agony! and this, too, among Americans, this great, free +nation, who, notwithstanding, let their women starve. It is but lately +that a young woman said to me, "I thank Heaven, my dear doctor, that you +are a woman; for now I can tell you the truth about my health. It is not +my body that is sick, but my heart. These flounces and velvets cover a +body that is sold,--sold legally to a man who could pay my father's +debts." Oh! I scorn men, sometimes from the bottom of my heart. Still this +is wrong: for it is the women's, the mothers' fault, in educating their +daughters to be merely beautiful machines, fit to ornament a fine +establishment; while, if they do not succeed in gaining this, there is +nothing left but wretchedness of mind and body. Women, there is a +connection between the Fifth Avenue and the Five Points! Both the rich and +the wretched are types of womanhood; both are linked together, forming one +great body; and both have the same part in good and evil. I can hardly +leave this subject, though it may seem to have little to do with my +American experience; but a word spoken from a full heart not only gives +relief, but may fall on <i>one</i> listening ear, and take root there.</p> + +<p>I must now return to my new enterprise. The business paid well: and, +although I was often forced to work with my sister till the dawn of +morning, we were happy; for we had all that we needed, and I could write +home that the offered assistance was superfluous. Here I must say, that I +had resolved, on leaving Berlin, never to ask for aid, in order that I +might be able with perfect freedom to carry out my plans independently of +my family. How this was ever to be done, I did not yet see; though I had a +good opportunity to learn, from life and from the papers, what I had to +expect here. But this mode of instruction, though useful to one seeking to +become a philosopher, was very unsatisfactory to me. The chief thing that +I learned was, that I must acquire English before I could undertake any +thing. And this was the most difficult point to overcome. I am not a +linguist by nature: all that I learn of languages must be obtained by the +greatest perseverance and industry; and, for this, my business would not +allow me time.</p> + +<p>Shortly after I had fairly established myself in the manufacturing +business, I received news from Berlin, that Sister Catherine had left the +Hospital Charité, and was intending to join me in America, in order to aid +me in carrying out my plan for the establishment of a hospital for women +in the New World. The parties interested in her had finally succeeded in +placing her in the wished-for position, thus disconnecting her from the +sisterhood. But, after my departure, the position became greatly modified +in rank, and inferior in character. Private reasons besides made it +disagreeable for her to remain there any longer; and in this moment she +remembered my friendship towards her, and in the unfortunate belief that +she shared with many others, that all that I designed to do I could do at +once, resolved to come to me, and offer her assistance. She joined us on +the 22d of August, and was not a little disappointed to find me in the +tassel instead of the medical line. The astonishment with which her +acquaintances in Berlin heard her announce her intention of going to seek +help from a person to whom she had been less than a friend, could not be +expressed in words; and she told me that the annoyance that they +manifested was really the chief stimulus that decided her to come at last. +She arrived without a cent. Having always found friends enough ready to +supply her with money, whenever she wished to establish a temporary +hospital, it had never occurred to her that she should need any for +private use, beyond just enough to furnish the simple blue merino dress of +the sisterhood, which had often been provided for her by the Kaiserswerth +Institute. But here she was; and she very soon learned to understand the +difficulties which must be overcome before I could enter again into my +profession. She became satisfied, and lived with us, sharing equally in +whatever we had ourselves. There is a peculiar satisfaction in showing +kindness to a person who has injured us, though unconsciously under +different circumstances: and, in her case, she was not entirely +unconscious of the harm she had done me; for she confessed to me while in +America, that her acquaintance was courted by all those who had been +thwarted in their opposition by my appointment, and that she knew well +that they sought every opportunity to annoy me.</p> + +<p>On the 18th of September, a sister, one year younger than myself, joined +us; having been tempted by our favorable accounts to try a life of +adventure. We were now four in the family. But Catherine gradually grew +discontented. Having been accustomed to the comforts afforded in large +institutions, and to receiving attentions from the most aristocratic +families of Prussia, the monotonous life that we led was only endurable to +her so long as the novelty lasted. This soon wore off, and she became +anxious for a change. She had heard her fellow-passengers speak of a +Pastor S., who had been sent to America as a missionary; and she begged me +to seek him out, and take her to him, that she might consult him as to +what she had best do. I did so, and she soon became acquainted with his +family. Mr. S. exerted himself in her behalf, and secured her a place as +nurse in the Home for the Friendless, where she had the charge of some +thirty children. This was a heavy task; for, though none were under a year +old, she was constantly disturbed through the night, and could get but a +few hours' consecutive sleep. Besides, she could not become reconciled to +washing under the hydrant in the morning, and to being forced to mingle +with the commonest Irish girls. She was in every respect a lady, and had +been accustomed to have a servant at her command, even in the midst of the +typhus-fever in the desolate districts of Silesia; while here she was not +even treated with humanity. This soon grew unbearable; and she returned to +us on the 16th of October, after having been only ten days in the +institution. So eager was she to make her escape, that she did not even +ask for the two dollars that were due her for wages. But we could not +receive her; for we had taken another woman in her place, as friendless +and as penniless as she. Besides, a misfortune had just fallen upon us. +During the night before, our doors had been unlocked, our bureau-drawers +inspected, and all our money, amounting to fifty-two dollars, carried off; +and, when Catherine arrived, we were so poor that we had to borrow the +bread and milk for our breakfast. Fortunately, the day before, I had +refused the payment due me for a large bill of goods; and this came now in +a very good time. I did not feel justified, however, in increasing the +family to five after our loss; nor did she claim our assistance, but went +again to Pastor S., who had invited her to visit his family. With his +assistance, she obtained some private nursing, which maintained her until +the congregation had collected money enough to enable her to return to +Berlin; which she did on the 2d of December. Having many friends in the +best circles of that city, she immediately found a good practice again; +and is now, as she says, enjoying life in a civilized manner.</p> + +<p>We moved at once from the scene of the robbery and took a part of a house +in Monroe Street, for which we paid two hundred dollars a year. Our +business continued good, and I had some prospects of getting into +practice. But, with spring, the demand for worsted goods ceased; and as my +practice brought me work, but no money, I was forced to look out for +something else to do. By accident, I saw in a store a coiffure made of +silk, in imitation of hair, which I bought; but I found, on examination, +that I could not manufacture it, as it was machine-work. I went, +therefore, to Mr. G., and proposed to establish a business with him, in +which he should manufacture these coiffures, while I would sell them by +wholesale to the merchants with whom I was acquainted. Mr. G. had +completely ruined himself during the winter by neglecting his business and +meddling with Tammany-Hall politics, which had wasted his money and his +time. He had not a single workman in his shop when I called, and was too +much discouraged to think of any new enterprise; but, on my telling him +that I would be responsible for the first outlay, he engaged hands, and, +in less than a month, had forty-eight persons busily employed. In this way +I earned money during the spring, and freed myself from the obligations +which his kindness in receiving us the spring before had laid upon us.</p> + +<p>My chief business now was to sell the goods manufactured by Mr. G. Our +worsted business was very small; and the prospect was that it would cease +entirely, and that the coiffure that we made would not long continue in +fashion. Some other business, therefore, had to be found, especially as it +was impossible for us to lay up money. Our family now consisted of myself +and two sisters, the friend that was staying with us, and a brother, +nineteen years of age, who had joined us during the winter, and who, +though an engineer and in good business, was, like most young men, +thoughtless and more likely to increase than to lighten our burdens. Our +friend Mr. C., who had become our constant visitor, planned at this time a +journey to Europe; so that our social life seemed also about to come to an +end.</p> + +<p>On the 13th of May, 1854, as I was riding down to the stores on my usual +business, reveries of the past took possession of my mind. Almost a year +in America, and not one step advanced towards my purpose in coming hither! +It was true that I had a comfortable home, with enough to live upon, and +had repaid my sister the money that I had borrowed from her on our +arrival; yet what kind of a life was it that I was leading, in a business +foreign to my nature and inclinations, and without even the prospect of +enlarging this? These reflections made me so sad, that, when I reached the +store, the book-keeper noticed my dejection, and told me, by way of +cheering me, that he had another order for a hundred dollars' worth of +goods, &c.; but this did not relieve me. I entered the omnibus again, +speculating constantly on what I should do next; when a thought suddenly +dawned upon me. Might not the people in the Home for the Friendless be +able to give me advice? I had hardly conceived the idea, when I determined +to ride directly up there, instead of stopping at the street in which I +lived. I thought, besides, that some employment might be found for my +sister Anna, in which she could learn the English language, for which she +had evinced some talent, while I had decided that I could never become +master of it. I had seen the matron, Miss Goodrich, once when I called +there on Catherine S. She had a humane face, and I was persuaded that I +should find a friend in her. I was not mistaken. I told her of my plans in +coming here, and of our present mode of life and prospects; and confided +to her my disappointment and dejection, as well as my determination to +persevere courageously. She seemed to understand and to enter into my +feelings, and promised to see Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, whom she advised me +to call upon at once.</p> + +<p>I went home full of the hope and inspiration of a new life. Dear Mary, you +can hardly comprehend the happiness of that morning. I was not suffering, +it is true, for the necessaries of life; but, what was far worse, I +suffered from the feeling that I lived for no purpose but to eat and to +drink. I had no friends who were interested in the pursuits towards which +my nature inclined; and I saw crowds of arrogant people about me, to whom +I could not prove that I was their equal in spite of their money. My +sisters had not seen me so cheerful since our arrival in America, and +thought that I had surely discovered the philosopher's stone. I told them +of what I had done, and received their approbation.</p> + +<p>On the morning of the 15th of May,--the anniversary of the death of Dr. +Schmidt and of my greatest joy and my greatest misery,--we received a call +from Miss Goodrich, who told us that she had seen Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, +and thought that she had also procured a suitable place for my sister. She +gave us the addresses of Dr. Blackwell and of Miss Catherine Sedgwick. We +called first upon the latter, who was extremely kind; and although she +had quite misunderstood our wishes,--having exerted herself to procure a +place for my sister in a way that manifested the belief that we had +neither a home nor the means to live,--yet her friendliness and readiness +to assist us made us for ever grateful to her. At that time we did not +know her standing in society, and looked upon her merely as a benevolent +and wealthy woman. We soon learned more of her, however: for, though +unsuccessful in her first efforts, she shortly after sent for my sister, +having secured her a place in Mr. Theodore Sedgwick's family; which was +acceptable, inasmuch as it placed her above the level of the servants. She +remained there seven weeks, and then returned home.</p> + +<p>On the same morning, I saw Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell; and from this call of +the 15th of May I date my new life in America. She spoke a little German, +and understood me perfectly when I talked. I gave her all my certificates +for inspection but said nothing to her of my plans in coming to America. +It would have seemed too ludicrous for me in my position to tell her that +I entertained the idea of interesting the people in the establishment of a +hospital for women. I hardly know what I told her, indeed; for I had no +other plan of which to speak, and therefore talked confusedly, like an +adventurer. I only know that I said that I would take the position of +nurse, if I could enter one of the large hospitals, in order to learn the +manner in which they were managed in this country.</p> + +<p>I cannot comprehend how Dr. Blackwell could ever have taken so deep an +interest in me as she manifested that morning; for I never in my life was +so little myself. Yet she did take this interest; for she gave me a sketch +of her own experience in acquiring a medical education, and explained the +requirements for such in this country, and the obstacles that are thrown +in the way of women who seek to become physicians. She told me of her plan +of founding a hospital,--the long-cherished idea of my life; and said that +she had opened a little dispensary--the charter for which was procured +during the preceding winter, under the name of "The New-York Infirmary for +Indigent Women and Children"--on the 1st of May, two weeks before, and +which was designed to be the nucleus for this hospital, where she invited +me to come and assist her. She insisted that, first of all, I should learn +English; and offered to give me lessons twice a week, and also to make +efforts to enable me to enter a college to acquire the title of M.D., +which I had not the right to attach to my name. I left her after several +hours' conversation, and we parted friends.</p> + +<p>I continued my work at home; going regularly to Dr. Blackwell to receive +lessons in English, and to assist her in the dispensary. As we grew better +acquainted, I disclosed more to her of the fact, that I had a fixed plan +in coming to this country; which increased her interest in me. She wrote +in my behalf to the different colleges, and at length succeeded in +obtaining admission for me to the Cleveland Medical College (Western +Reserve) on the most favorable terms; credit being given me on the +lecture-fees for an indefinite time.</p> + +<p>Here I must stop to tell you why this credit was necessary. The articles +that I had manufactured had gone out of fashion in May: and I could not +invent any thing new, partly because I no longer felt the same interest as +before, knowing that I should soon go to a medical college; and partly +because the articles then in fashion were cheaper when imported. We had to +live for a little while on the money that we had laid up, until I procured +a commission for embroidering caps. It is perfectly wonderful into +what kinds of business I was forced, all foreign to my taste.</p> + +<p>And here let me tell you some secrets of this kind of business, in which +hundreds of women starve, and hundreds more go down to a life of infamy. +Cap-making (the great business of Water Street of New York) gives +employment to thousands of unfortunates. For embroidering caps, the +wholesale dealer pays seven cents each; and for making up, three cents. To +make a dozen a day, one must work for sixteen hours. The embroidering is +done in this wise: I received the cut cloth from the wholesale dealer; +drew the pattern upon each cap; gave them, with three cents' worth of +silk, to the embroiderer, who received three cents for her work; then +pressed and returned them; thus making one cent on each for myself. By +working steadily for sixteen hours, a girl could embroider fifteen in a +day. I gave out about six dozen daily; earning, like the rest, fifty cents +a day: unless I chose to do the stamping and pressing at night, and to +embroider a dozen during the day; in which case, I earned a dollar.</p> + +<p>One can live in this way for a little while, until health fails, or the +merchant says that the work has come to an end. You will think this +terrible again. Oh, no! this is not terrible. The good men provide in +another way. They tell every woman of a prepossessing appearance, that it +is wrong in her to work so hard; that many a man would be glad to care for +her; and that many women live quite comfortably with the help of <i>a +friend</i>. They say, further, that it is lonely to live without ever going +to church, to the concert and theatre; and that if these women would only +permit the speakers to visit them, and to attend them to any of these +places, they would soon find that they would no longer be obliged to work +so hard. This is the polished talk of gentlemen who enjoy the reputation +of piety and respectability, and who think it a bad speculation to pay +women liberally for their work. So it would be, in truth; for these poor +creatures would not be so willing to abandon themselves to a disreputable +life, if they could procure bread in any other way.</p> + +<p>During the summer of 1854, I took work on commission from men of this +sort. While in Berlin I had learned from the prostitutes in the hospital +in what manner educated women often became what they then were. The +average story was always the same. The purest love made them weak; their +lover deceived and deserted them; their family cast them off by way of +punishment. In their disgrace, they went to bury themselves in large +cities, where the work that they could find scarcely gave them their daily +bread. Their employers attracted by their personal appearance and the +refinement of their speech and manners, offered them assistance in another +way, in which they could earn money without work. In despair, they +accepted the proposals; and sunk gradually, step by step, to the depths of +degradation, as depicted by Hogarth in the "Harlot's Progress." In New +York, I was thrown continually among men who were of the stamp that I +described before; and can say, even from my own experience, that no man is +ever more polite, more friendly, or more kind, than one who has impure +wishes in his heart. It is really so dangerous for a woman of refined +nature to go to such stores, that I never suffered my sister to visit +them; not because I feared that she would listen to these men, but because +I could not endure the thought that so innocent and beautiful a girl +should come in contact with them, or even breathe the same atmosphere. +When fathers are unwilling that their daughters shall enter life as +physicians, lawyers, merchants, or in any other public capacity, it is +simply because they belong to the class that so contaminates the air, +that none can breathe it but themselves; or because, from being thrown +constantly in contact with such men, they arrive at the same point at +which I then stood, and say to themselves "<i>I</i> can afford to meet such +men. I am steeled by my knowledge of mankind, and supported by the +philosophy that I have learned during years of trial. It cannot hurt <i>me</i>; +but, by all means, spare the young and beautiful the same experience!"</p> + +<p>I dealt somewhat haughtily with the merchants whom I have described, in a +manner that at once convinced them of my position. But the consequence +was, that the embroidery commission, which had commenced so favorably, +suddenly ceased, "<i>because the Southern trade had failed</i>:" in truth, +because I would not allow any of these men to say any more to me than was +absolutely necessary in our business. My income became less and less, and +we were forced to live upon the money that we had laid up during the year. +I did not look for any new sources of employment, for I was intending to +go to Cleveland in October; while my next sister had business of her own, +and Anna was engaged to be married to our friend Mr. C. My brother was +also with them; and my mother's brother, whom she had adopted as a child, +was on his way to America.</p> + +<p>After having settled our affairs, fifty dollars remained as my share; and, +with this sum, I set out for Cleveland on the 16th of October, 1854. Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell had supplied me with the necessary medical text-books; +so that I had no other expenses than my journey and the matriculation +fees, which together amounted to twenty dollars, leaving thirty dollars in +my possession.</p> + +<p>I do not believe that many begin the study of medicine with so light a +purse and so heavy a heart as did I. My heart was heavy for the reason +that I did not know a single sentence of English. All of my study with Dr. +Blackwell had been like raindrops falling upon stone: I had profited +nothing. The lectures I did not care for, since there was more need of my +studying English than medicine: but the subjects were well known to me; +and I therefore reasoned, that, by hearing familiar things treated of in +English, I must learn the language; and the logic held good.</p> + +<p>I have already told you that the Faculty had agreed to give me credit for +my lecture-fees. Dr. Blackwell had written also to a lady there, who had +called upon her some time before in the capacity of President of a +Physiological Society, which, among other good things, had established a +small fund for the assistance of women desirous of studying medicine. This +lady (Mrs. Caroline M. Severance) replied in the most friendly manner, +saying that I might come directly to her house, and that she would see +that my board for the winter was secured by the Physiological Society over +which she presided.</p> + +<p>The journey to Cleveland was a silent but a pleasant one. Through a +mishap, I arrived on Saturday night, instead of in the morning; and, being +unwilling to disturb Mrs. Severance at so late an hour, went first to a +hotel. But what trials I had there! No one could understand me; until at +last I wrote on a slate my own name and Mrs. Severance's, with the words, +"A carriage," and "To-morrow." From this the people inferred that I wished +to stay at the hotel all night, and to have a carriage to take me to Mrs. +Severance's the next day; as was the case. A waiter took my carpet-bag and +conducted me to a room. I could not understand his directions to the +supper-room, neither could I make him understand that I wanted some supper +in my own room; and the consequence was, that I went to bed hungry, having +eaten nothing all day but a little bread, and an apple for luncheon.</p> + +<p>As soon as I was dressed the next morning, I rang the bell furiously; and, +on the appearance of the waiter, exclaimed, "Beefsteak!" This time he +comprehended me, and went laughingly away to bring me a good breakfast. I +often saw the same waiter afterwards at the hotel; and he never saw me +without laughing, and exclaiming, "Beefsteak!"</p> + +<p>In the course of the forenoon, I was taken in a carriage to the house of +Mrs. Severance; but the family were not at home. I returned to the hotel, +somewhat disheartened and disappointed. Although I should have supposed +that death was not far off if no disappointment had happened to me when I +least expected it, yet this persistent going wrong of every thing in +Cleveland was really rather dispiriting. But a bright star soon broke +through the clouds, in the shape of Mr. Severance, who came into the +parlor directly after dinner, calling for me in so easy and so cordial a +manner, that I forgot every thing, and was perfectly happy. This feeling, +however, lasted only until I reached the house. I found four fine +children, all full of childish curiosity to hear me talk; who, as soon as +they found that I could not make myself understood by them, looked on me +with that sort of contempt peculiar to children when they discover that a +person cannot do as much as they can themselves. Mr. Severance, too, was +expecting to find me accomplished in music, "like all Germans;" and had to +learn that I had neither voice nor ear for the art. Mrs. Severance +understood a little German, yet not half enough to gain any idea of how +much or how little I was capable of doing; and therefore looked upon me +with a sort of uncertainty as to what was my real capacity. This position +was more provoking than painful; there was even something ludicrous in it: +and, when not annoyed, I often went into my room to indulge in a hearty +laugh by myself.</p> + +<p>I met with a most cordial reception in the college The dean (Dr. John J. +Delamater) received me like a father; and, on the first day, I felt +perfectly at home. All was going on well. I had a home at Mrs. +Severance's; while, despite my mutilated English, I found many friends in +the college, when circumstances changed every thing. Some changes occurred +in Mr. Severance's business; and he was forced, in consequence, to give up +house-keeping At that time, I did not know that the Physiological Society +was ready to lend me money; and was therefore in great distress. I never +experienced so bitter a day as that on which Mrs. Severance told me that I +could stay with her no longer. It was but five weeks after my arrival, and +I was not able to make myself understood in the English language, which +was like chaos to me. On the same day, I well remember, that, for the +first time in my life, I made an unsuccessful attempt to borrow money; +and, because it was the first and the last time, it was the more painful +to me to be refused. I envied the dog that lived, and was happy without +troubling his brain; I envied the kitchen-maid that did her work +mechanically, and enjoyed life far more than those fitted by nature for +something higher, while the world would go on just as well without them as +with them.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Severance secured a boarding-place for me for the rest of the winter; +and paid my board, amounting to thirty-three dollars, from the funds of +the society. I lived quietly by myself; studied six hours daily at home, +with four dictionaries by me; attending six lectures a day, and going in +the evening for three hours to the dissecting-rooms. I never conversed +with any one in the boarding-house nor even asked for any thing at the +table; but was supplied like a mute. This silence was fruitful to me. +About New Year, I ventured to make my English audible; when, lo! every one +understood me perfectly. From this time forward, I sought to make +acquaintances, to the especial delight of good old Dr. Delamater, who had +firmly believed that I was committing gradual suicide. Through Mrs. +Severance, I became acquainted with Dr. Harriot K. Hunt, who was then on a +visit to Cleveland; and, through her, with the Rev. A.D. Mayo, who was +pastor of a small society there, known as that of the Liberal Christians.</p> + +<p>I found many dear and valued friends during my residence in Cleveland, but +none to whom I am bound in lasting gratitude as to Mr. Mayo, who offered +me his assistance when he learned that I was in need; my extra expenses +having swallowed up the little money that I had brought with me, so that I +had not even enough to return to my sisters in New York. As the minister +of a small congregation advocating Liberal ideas, he had a hard position +in Cleveland, both socially and pecuniarily; yet he offered to share his +little with me. I was forced to accept it; and I am now, and have always +been, glad that I did so. No one, that has not had the experience, can +appreciate the happiness that comes with the feeling, that a rich man has +not cast a fragment of his superfluity towards you (and here let me +remark, that it is next to impossible to find wealth and generosity go +together in friendship), but that the help comes from one who must work for +it as well as the recipient. It proves the existence of the mutual +appreciation that is known by the name of "friendship." The apple given by +a friend is worth ten times more than a whole orchard bestowed in such a +way as to make you feel that the gift is but the superfluity of the donor.</p> + +<p>I remained for ten months a member of Mr. Mayo's family; when he received +a call to Albany, and changes had to be made in his household. During this +time, I earned a little money by giving lessons in German, that served to +cover my most necessary expenses. For the last five months that I spent in +Cleveland, I carried in my purse one solitary cent as a sort of talisman; +firmly believing that some day it would turn into gold: but this did not +happen; and on the day that I was expecting the receipt of the last +eighteen dollars for my lessons, which were designed to bear my expenses +to New York, I gave it to a poor woman in the street who begged me for a +cent; and it doubtless, ere long, found its way into a gin-shop.</p> + +<p>The twenty months that I spent in Cleveland were chiefly devoted to the +study of medicine in the English language; and in this I was assisted by +most noble-hearted men. Dr. Delamater's office became a pleasant spot, and +its occupants a necessity to me; and, on the days that I did not meet +them, my spirits fell below zero. In spite of the pecuniary distress from +which I constantly suffered, I was happier in Cleveland than ever before +or since. I lived in my element; having a fixed purpose in view, and +enjoying the warmest tokens of real friendship. I was liked in the +college; and, though the students often found it impossible to repress a +hearty laugh at my ridiculous blunders in English, they always showed me +respect and fellowship in the highest sense of the terms. In the beginning +of the first winter, I was the only woman; after the first month, another +was admitted; and, during the second winter, there were three besides +myself that attended the lectures and graduated in the spring. I should +certainly look upon this season as the spring-time of my life, had not a +sad event thrown a gloom over the whole.</p> + +<p>In the autumn of 1854, after deciding to go to Cleveland to resume my +medical studies, I wrote to my parents to tell them of my hopes and aims. +These letters were not received with the same pleasure with which they +had been written. My father, who had encouraged me before my entrance upon +a public career, was not only grieved by my return to my old mode of life, +but greatly opposed to it, and manifested this in the strongest words in +the next letter that I received from him. My mother on the contrary, who +had not been at all enthusiastic in the beginning, was rather glad to +receive the news. As I had left many good friends among the physicians of +Berlin, my letters were always circulated, after their arrival, by one of +their number who stood high in the profession; and, though I did not +receive my father's approbation, he sent me several letters from strangers +who approved my conduct, and who, after hearing my letters, had sent him +congratulations upon my doings in America. How he received the respect +thus manifested to him, you can judge from a passage in one of his +letters, which I will quote to you:--</p> + +<p>"I am proud of you, my daughter; yet you give me more grief than any other +of my children. If you were a young man, I could not find words in which +to express my satisfaction and pride in respect to your acts; for I know +that all you accomplish you owe to yourself: but you are a woman, a weak +woman; and all that I can do for you now is to grieve and to weep. O my +daughter! return from this unhappy path. Believe me, the temptation of +living for humanity <i>en masse,</i> magnificent as it may appear in its aim, +will lead you only to learn that all is vanity; while the ingratitude of +the mass for whom you choose to work will be your compensation."</p> + +<p>Letters of this sort poured upon me; and, when my father learned that +neither his reasoning nor his prayers could turn me from a work which I +had begun with such enthusiasm, he began to threaten; telling me that I +must not expect any pecuniary assistance from him; that I would contract +debts in Cleveland which I should never be able to pay, and which would +certainly undermine my prospects; with more of this sort. My good father +did not know that I had vowed to myself, on my arrival in America, that I +would never ask his aid; and besides, he never imagined that I could go +for five months with a single cent in my pocket. Oh, how small all these +difficulties appeared to me, especially at a time when I began to speak +English! I felt so rich, that I never thought money could not be had, +whenever I wanted it in good earnest.</p> + +<p>After having been nine months in Cleveland, I received news that my +mother had left Berlin with my two youngest sisters to pay us a visit, and +to see what the prospects would be for my father in case she chose to +remain. Dear Mary, shall I attempt to describe to you the feeling that +over-powered me on the receipt of these tidings? If I did, you never could +feel it with me: for I could not picture in words the joy that I felt at +the prospect of beholding again the mother whom I loved beyond all +expression, and who was my friend besides; for we really never thought of +each other in our relation of mother and child, but as two who were bound +together as friends in thought and in feeling. No: I cannot give you a +description of this, especially as it was mingled with the fear that I +might not have the means to go to greet her in New York before another ten +months were over. Day and night, night and day, she was in my mind; and, +from the time that I had a right to expect her arrival, I counted the +hours from morning until noon, and from noon until night, when the +telegraph office would be closed. At length, on the 18th of September, the +despatch came,--not to me, but to my friend Mr. Mayo,--bearing the words, +"Tell Marie that she must calmly and quietly receive the news that our +good mother sleeps at the bottom of the ocean, which serves as her +monument and her grave." Mary, this is the most trying passage that I have +to write in this sketch of my life; and you must not think me weak that +tears blot the words as I write. My mother fell a victim to sea-sickness +which brought on a violent hemorrhage, that exhausted the sources of life. +She died three weeks before the vessel reached the port; and my two +sisters (the one seventeen and the other nine years of age) chose rather +to have her lowered on the Banks of Newfoundland, than bring to us a +corpse instead of the living. They were right; and the great ocean seems +to me her fitting monument.</p> + +<p>Of course, upon the receipt of these tidings, I could remain no longer in +Cleveland, but took my last money, and went to New York to stay for a +while with my afflicted brother and sisters. The journey was very +beneficial to me; for, without it, I should not have been able to go +through my winter's study. During my stay in New York, I often visited Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell, and learned that the little dispensary was closed +because her practice prevented her from attending it regularly; but that, +during my absence, she had been trying to interest some wealthy friends +in the collection of money, to enable us, after my return in the spring, +to commence again upon a little larger scale. To effect this, she proposed +to hold a fair during the winter after my return; and we concluded that +the first meeting for this purpose should be held during my visit in New +York. She succeeded in calling together a few friends at her house, who +determined to form a nucleus for a Fair Association for the purpose of +raising money for the New-York Infirmary.</p> + +<p>I made a visit of a few days to Boston, and then returned again to +Cleveland. The winter passed in very much the same manner as the first, +with the difference that I spoke better English, and visited many friends +whom I had made during the preceding year. In the spring of 1856, I +graduated. Shortly after commencement, the Dean of the College (Dr. +Delamater) called upon me at the house of a friend with whom I was staying +on a visit. A call from this venerable gentleman was a thing so unusual, +that numberless conjectures as to what this visit might mean flitted +through my brain on my way to the parlor. He received me, as usual, +paternally; wished me a thousand blessings; and handed back to me the note +for one hundred and twenty dollars, payable in two years, which I had +given for the lecture-fees; telling me, that, in the meeting of the +Faculty after graduating-day it was proposed by one of the professors to +return the note to me as a gift; to which those present cheerfully gave a +unanimous vote, adding their wishes for my success, and appointing Dr. +Delamater as their delegate to inform me of the proceedings. This was a +glorious beginning, for which I am more than thankful, and for which I was +especially so at that time, when I had barely money enough to return to +New York, with very small prospects of getting means wherewith to commence +practice. The mention of this fact might be thought indiscreet by the +Faculty in Cleveland, were they still so organized as to admit women; +which, I am sorry to say, is no longer the case; though they give as their +reason, that women at present have their own medical colleges, and, +consequently, have no longer need of theirs.</p> + +<p>Before I quit the subject of the Cleveland College I must mention a fact, +which may serve as an argument against the belief that the sexes cannot +study together without exerting an injurious effect upon each other. +During the last winter of my study, there was such emulation in respect to +the graduating honors among the candidates for graduation comprising +thirty-eight male and four female students, that all studied more closely +than they had ever done before--the men not wishing to be excelled by the +women, nor the women by the men; and one of the professors afterwards told +me, that whereas it was usually a difficult thing to decide upon the three +best theses to be read publicly at the commencement, since all were more +or less indifferently written, this year the theses were all so good, that +it was necessary, to avoid doing absolute injustice, to select thirteen +from which parts should be read. Does not this prove that the stimulus of +the one sex upon the other would act rather favorably than otherwise upon +the profession? and would not the very best tonic that could be given to +the individual be to pique his <i>amour propre</i> by the danger of being +excelled by one of the opposite sex? Is not this natural? and would not +this be the best and the surest reformation of humanity and its social +condition, if left free to work out its own development?</p> + +<p>On the day following the visit of Dr. Delamater, I received a letter from +my brother-in-law, in which he told me that his business compelled him to +go to Europe for half a year; and that he had, therefore, made +arrangements for me to procure money, in case that I should need it to +commence my practice. He said that he intended to assist me afterwards; +but that, as he thought it best for my sister (his wife) to live out of +New York during his absence, he was willing to lend me as much money as I +required until his return. I accepted his offer with infinite pleasure; +for it was another instance of real friendship. He was by no means a rich +man, but was simply in the employ of a large importing house.</p> + +<p>With these prospects I left Cleveland. Immediately after my arrival in New +York, I began to look out for a suitable office; consulting Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell, with whom I had maintained a constant correspondence, in regard +to location. I soon found that I could not obtain a respectable room +without paying an exorbitant price. Some were afraid to let an office to a +female physician, lest she might turn out a spiritual medium, clairvoyant +hydropathist, &c.; others, who believed me when I told them that I had a +diploma from a regular school, and should never practise contrary to its +requirements, inquired to what religious denomination I belonged, and +whether I had a private fortune, or intended to support myself by my +practice; while the third class, who asked no questions at all, demanded +three dollars a day for a back parlor alone, without the privilege of +putting a sign on the house or the door. Now, all this may be very +aggravating, when it is absolutely necessary that one should have a place +upon which to put a sign to let the world know that she is ready to try +her skill upon suffering humanity; but it has such a strongly ludicrous +side, that I could not be provoked, in spite of all the fatigue and +disappointment of wandering over the city, when, with aching limbs, I +commenced the search afresh each morning, with the same prospect of +success. I finally gave up looking for a room, and accepted Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell's offer; to occupy her back parlor (the front one serving as her +own office); of which I took possession on the 17th of April.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, I had regularly attended the Thursday fair-meetings; wondering +how persons could afford to meet to so little purpose. There was scarcely +any life in these gatherings; and, when I saw ladies come week after week +to resume the knitting of a baby's stocking (which was always laid aside +again in an hour or two, without any marked progress), I began to doubt +whether the sale of these articles would ever bring ten thousand cents, +instead of the ten thousand dollars which it was proposed at the first +meeting to raise in order to buy a house. I used to say on Wednesday, +"To-morrow we have our fair-meeting. I wonder whether there will be, as +usual, two and a half persons present, or three and three-quarters."</p> + +<p>I grew at length heartily sick of this kind of effort, and set about +speculating what better could be done. The idea occurred to me to go from +house to house, and ask for a dime at each, which, if given, would amount +to ten dollars a day; and, with the money thus collected daily for half a +year, to establish a nucleus hospital, which, as a fixed fact, should +stimulate its friends to further assistance.</p> + +<p>I took my note-book, and wrote out the whole plan, and also calculated the +expenses of such a miniature hospital as I proposed; including furniture +beds, household utensils; every thing, in short, that was necessary in +such an institution. With this book, which I still have in my possession, +I went one evening into Dr. Blackwell's parlor, and, seating myself, told +her that <i>I</i> could not work any longer for the fair in the way that the +ladies were doing; and then read my plan to her, which I advocated long +and earnestly. She finally agreed with me that it would be better +speedily to establish a small hospital than to wait for the large sum that +had been proposed; though she did not approve of the scheme of the dime +collection, fearing that I would not only meet with great annoyances, but +would also injure my health in the effort. At that time, after some +discussion, I agreed with her: now I think that this plan would have been +better than that which I afterwards followed. On the same evening, I +proposed, and we agreed, that, on a year from that day (the 1st of May, +1857), the New-York Infirmary should be opened.</p> + +<p>I went to rest with a light heart, but rose sorrowfully in the morning. +"In one year from to-day, the Infirmary must be opened," said I to myself; +"and the funds towards it are two pairs of half-knit babies' stockings." +The day was passed in thinking what was the next best scheme to raise +money for its foundation. At length I remembered my visit to Boston, and +some friends there whose influence might help me <i>to beg</i> for an +<i>institution for American women</i>. For myself I could never have begged; I +would sooner have drowned myself: now I determined to beg money from +Americans to establish an institution for their own benefit. This plan was +disclosed to Dr. Blackwell, and agreed upon, as there was nothing risked +in it; I taking the whole responsibility.</p> + +<p>On the next day, the fair-meeting was held at Dr. Blackwell's. The new +plan was brought forward; and, although it was as yet nothing but a plan, +it acted like a warm, soft rain upon a field after a long drought. The +knitting and sewing (for which I have a private horror under all +conditions) were laid aside, to my great relief; and the project was +talked of with so much enthusiasm, that I already saw myself in +imagination making my evening visits to the patients in the New-York +Infirmary; while all the members present (and there were unusually many; I +think, six or seven) discussed the question the next day among their +circles of friends, whether Henry Ward Beecher or a physician of high +standing should make the opening speech in the institution.</p> + +<p>This excitement increased the interest exceedingly and the succeeding +meetings were quite enthusiastic. The babies' stockings were never again +resumed (don't think that, because I detested those stockings so much, I +am cruel enough to wish the little creatures to go barefoot); but plans +were made for raising money in New York, and for getting articles for sale +on a larger scale. Dr. Blackwell wrote to her sister. Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who was at that time studying in England, requesting her to +make collections among their friends in that country; which she did with +success.</p> + +<p>After having thus thoroughly impressed the public mind with the idea that +the Infirmary must be opened, we began to look about for a suitable house. +In autumn, I went to Boston to see what aid could be obtained there. I +cannot tell you here in what manner I became acquainted with a circle of +noble women, who had both means and the disposition to employ them for +such a purpose: it suffices to say, that I interested them in the +undertaking and obtained a hundred dollars towards the expenses of the +fair, together with a promise of a large table of fancy-goods, and an +invitation to come again in case any further aid was needed. At the end of +three weeks, I left Boston for Philadelphia; but here I was not +successful, as all who were interested in the medical education of women +contributed largely already to the Philadelphia College. A small table of +fancy-goods was the result of my visit there. The money and promise of +goods that I received in Boston stimulated our friends in New York to such +a degree, that, in spite of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's doubts as to whether +we should cover the expenses, the fair realized a thousand dollars. Yet +this was not half sufficient to commence the proposed hospital; and I +therefore proposed to Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell that I should go on another +begging tour through New England, while she and her sister (Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who had arrived from England a week before the fair) should +arrange matters in New York, where they had more acquaintances than I. I +went for the second time to Boston in February, and met with unexpected +success; bringing back about six hundred dollars in cash, with promises of +a like sum for the ensuing two years. I had represented our scheme as a +three-years' experiment In the mean time, the Drs. Blackwell had hired a +large, old-fashioned house, No. 64, Bleeker Street, which we had looked at +together, and which was very well suited to our purpose, devoting the rest +of their time chiefly to endeavors to interest the Legislature in our +enterprise; the result of which was, that, though nothing was granted us +that spring, the next winter, when we could show our institution in +operation, the usual dispensary grant was extended to us.</p> + +<p>On the 3d of April, I returned from Boston, and almost immediately went to +work with some of our lady-managers to order beds and to furnish the +house and dispensary, and also to superintend the internal changes. After +five weeks of hard work, I had the pleasure, on the 15th of May, 1857, of +listening in the wards of the New-York Infirmary to the opening speeches +delivered by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, Dr. Elder, and Rev. Dudley Tyng.</p> + +<p>A few days afterwards, I admitted the first house-patient and opened the +dispensary, which I attended two days in the week; Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell taking charge of it for the remaining four days. I had +offered two years' gratuitous services as my contribution to the +Infirmary, remaining there not only as resident physician, but also as +superintendent of the household and general manager; and attending to my +private practice during the afternoon. The institution grew rapidly, and +the number of dispensary patients increased to such an extent, that the +time from seven in the morning until one in the afternoon was wholly +occupied in the examination of cases. In the second year of the existence +of the Infirmary the state of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's health compelled +her to go to Europe: and for nine months Dr. Emily Blackwell and I took +charge of the business, which at this time was considerable; the +attendance at the dispensary averaging sixty daily.</p> + +<p>During the course of this year, I received letters from some of the +Trustees of the New-England Female Medical College in Boston, inquiring +whether I were inclined to take charge of a hospital in connection with +that institution. A consultation on the subject with Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell seemed to prove to us, that by doing this, and helping the +college to attain its objects, we could probably best aid the cause of the +medical education of women. After hesitating for a long time what course +to pursue, I went to Boston in the spring of 1859, in order to define in a +public address my views and position in respect to the study of medicine. +I found so great a desire prevailing for the elevation of the institution +to the standard of the male medical colleges, and such enthusiasm in +respect to the proposed hospital, that I concluded at once to leave the +Infirmary; Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's absence having proved that it could +be sustained by two, not only without loss, but with a steady increase, +secured by the good done by its existence. Having fulfilled my promise of +two years to the institution, on the 5th of June, 1859, I left for +Boston, where I am now striving to make the hospital-department as useful +as the New-York Infirmary is to the public and the students.</p> + +<p>Now, my dear Mary, you may think me very long in my story, especially in +the latter part, of which you know much already; but I could not refrain +from writing fully of this part of my life, which has been the object of +all my undertakings, and for which I have borne trials and overcome +difficulties which would have crushed nine out of ten in my position. I do +not expect that this will be the end of my usefulness; but I do expect +that I shall not have to write to you any more of my doings. It was simply +in order that you, my friend, should understand me fully, and because you +have so often expressed a wish to know my life before we met, that I +finished this work. Now you have me externally and internally, past and +present: and although there have been many influences besides which have +made their impressions on my peculiar development, yet they are not of a +nature to be spoken of as facts; as, for instance, your friendship for me.</p> + +<p>On looking back upon my past life, I may say that I am like a fine ship, +that, launched upon high seas, is tossed about by the winds and waves, +and steered against contrary currents, until finally stranded upon the +shore, where, from the materials, a small boat is built, just strong +enough to reach the port into which it had expected to enter with proudly +swelling sails. But this ambition is entirely gone; and I care now very +little whether the people recognize what is in me or not, so long as the +object for which I have lived becomes a reality.</p> + +<p>And now, my good friend, I must add one wish before I send these last few +pages to you; namely, that I may be enabled some day to go with you to +Berlin, to show you the scenes in which my childhood and youth were +passed, and to teach you on the spot the difference between Europe and +America. All other inducements to return have vanished. The death of my +father during the last year severed the last tie that bound me to my +native place. Nearly all the men who aided in promoting my wishes have +passed away; and the only stimulus that now remains to revisit the home of +my youth is the wish to wander about there with you, and perhaps two or +three other of my American friends. Until this can be accomplished, I hope +to continue my present work in the New-England Female Medical College, +which, though by no means yet what we wish it to be, is deserving of +every effort to raise it to the stand that it ought to take among the +medical institutions of America.</p> + +<p>Yours with love,</p> + +<p>Marie E. Zakrzewska.<br /> +Boston, September, 1859.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The sweet, pure song has ended. Happy she who has been permitted to set +its clear, strong notes to music. I need not murmur that my own old +hand-organ grows useless, since it has been permitted to grind out the +<i>key</i>. Yet Marie's story is told so modestly, and with so much personal +reserve, that, for the sake of the women whom we are both striving to +help, I must be forgiven for directing the public attention to a few of +its points.</p> + +<p>In all respects, the "little blind doctor" of the story is the Marie +Zakrzewska that we know. The early anecdotes give us the poetic +impressibility and the enduring muscular fibre, that make themselves felt +through the lively, facile nature. The voice that ordered the fetters +taken off of crazy Jacob is the voice we still hear in the wards of the +hospital. But that poetic impressibility did not run wild with crazy +fancies when she was left to sleep on the floor of the dead-house: the +same strong sense controlled it that started the "tassel manufactory" in +New York, where it had been meant to open a physician's office. Only +thirteen years old when she left school, she had but little aid beside a +<i>steady purpose</i> in preparing for her career. We hear of her slatternly +habits; but who would ever guess them, who remembers the quiet, tasteful +dress of later years?</p> + +<p>How free from all egotism is the record! The brain-fever which followed +her attendance on her two aunts is mentioned as quietly as if it were a +sprained foot. Who of us but can see the wearing-away of nervous energy +which took place with the perpetual care of a cancer and a somnambulist +pressed also by the hard reading suggested by Dr. Arthur Lütze? Berlin +educated the second La Chapelle; but it was for America, not Germany. The +dreadful tragedy of Dr. Schmidt's death is hardly dwelt upon long enough +to show its full effects, so fearful is our friend of intruding a personal +matter.</p> + +<p>When "Woman's Right to Labor" was printed, many persons expressed their +regret that so little was said about sin and destitution in Boston itself; +and many refused to believe that every pit-fall and snare open in the Old +World gaped as widely here. "You have only the testimony of the girls +themselves," they would reply, when I privately told them what I had not +thought it wise to print. I have never regretted yielding to the motives +which decided me to withhold much that I knew. "If they believe not Moses +and the prophets, neither would they believe though one rose from the +dead," said, of old, the divine voice; and the hearts that were not +touched by what I thought it fit to tell would never have been stirred to +energy by fuller revelations.</p> + +<p>In these pages, authenticated by a pure and cultivated woman, who holds a +high position among us, every fact at which I hinted is made plain; and +here no careless talker may challenge the record with impunity. Here, as +in New York, smooth-faced men go on board the emigrant-ship, or the +steerage of the long-expected steamer; here, as there, they make friendly +offers and tell plausible lies, which girls who have never walked the +streets of Berlin at night, nor seen the occupants of a hospital-ward at +the Charité, can hardly be expected to estimate at their just worth. The +stories which I have told of unknown sufferers are here repeated. The +grand-daughter of Krummacher marries a poor shoemaker to save herself from +vice, and poor German Mary drowns herself in the Hudson because she feels +herself a burden on a heartless brother. Better far to sink beneath its +waves than beneath the more remorseless flood which sweeps over all great +cities. Now, when the story of the Water-street cap-makers is told, to be +matched by many another in Boston itself, it is no longer some ignorant, +half-trained stranger who tells the story, but the capable, skilled woman, +who, educated for better things, made tassels and coiffures, and accepted +commissions in embroidery, till the merchants were convinced that here, +indeed, was a woman without reproach. Water-street merchants would do well +to remember hereafter that the possibilities of a Zakrzewska lie hidden in +every oppressed girl, and govern themselves accordingly. Think of this +accomplished woman, able to earn no more than thirty-six cents a day,--a +day sixteen hours long, which finished a dozen caps at three cents each! +What, then, must become of clumsy and inferior work-women? Think of it +long and patiently, till you come to see, as she bids you, the true +relation between the idleness of women and money in the Fifth Avenue and +the hunted squalor of women without money at the Five Points. Women of +Boston, the parallel stands good for you. Listen, and you may hear the +dull murmur of your own "Black Sea," as it surges against your gateway.</p> + +<p>Hasten to save those whom it has not yet overwhelmed Believe me that many +of them are as pure and good as the babes whom you cradle in cambric and +lace. If you will not save them, neither shall you save your own beloved +ones from the current which undermines like a "back-water" your costliest +churches, your most sacred homes.</p> + +<p>Caroline H. Dall.<br /> +Oct. 29, 1860.</p> + + + +<blockquote><h3>L'Envoi.</h3> + +<p>"Unbarred be all your gates, and opened wide,<br /> +Till she who honors women shall come in!"</p> + +<p>Dante: Sonnet xx.</p></blockquote> +</div> + + +<div class="footnotes"> +<h2>Footnotes</h2> + + + +<p id="fn01">[1] Pronounced Zak-shef-ska.</p> + +<p id="fn02">[2] "The undersigned, Secretary of Legation of the United States of +America, certifies that Miss Marie Elizabeth Zakrzewska has exhibited to +him very strong recommendations from the highest professional authorities +of Prussia, as a scientific, practical, experienced <i>accoucheuse</i> of +unusual talent and skill. She has been chief <i>accoucheuse</i> in the Royal +Hospital of Berlin, and possesses a certificate of her superiority from +the Board of Directors of that institution. She has not only manifested +great talent as a practitioner, but also as a teacher; and enjoys the +advantage of a moral and irreproachable private character. She has +attained this high rank over many female competitors in the same branch; +there being more than fifty[<a href="#fnA">A</a>] in the city of Berlin who threaten, by +their acknowledged excellence, to monopolize the obstetric art."</p> + +<p>Theo. S. Fay.</p> + +<p>"Legation United States, Berlin, Jan. 26, 1853."</p> + +<p>[SEAL.]</p> + +<p id="fnA"> [A] "Upon inquiry, I find that, instead of fifty, there are one hundred + and ten female <i>accoucheuses</i> in Berlin.</p> + +<p> "THEO. S. FAY."</p> + +<p id="fn03">[3] Here I have to remark, that, not being able to speak English, I +conducted my business at the different stores either in German or French, +as I easily found some of the <i>employées</i> who could speak one of these +languages.</p> +</div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11270 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..453cecb --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11270 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11270) diff --git a/old/11270-8.txt b/old/11270-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..40cd833 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11270-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3717 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Practical Illustration of Woman's Right +to Labor, by Marie E. Zakrzewska + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Practical Illustration of Woman's Right to Labor + A Letter from Marie E. Zakrzewska, M.D. Late of Berlin, Prussia + +Author: Marie E. Zakrzewska + +Release Date: February 24, 2004 [EBook #11270] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WOMAN'S RIGHT TO LABOR *** + + + + +Produced by Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +[Transcriber's Note: Footnotes have been renumbered and moved to the end.] + + + + +A Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor;" + +or, + +A Letter from Marie E. Zakrzewska, M.D. +Late of Berlin, Prussia + +Edited By + +Caroline H. Dall, + +Author of "Woman's Right To Labor," +"Historical Pictures Retouched," &c. &c. + + + + "Whoso cures the plague, + Though twice a woman, shall be called a leech." + + "And witness: she who did this thing was born + To do it; claims her license in her work." + + Aurora Leigh. + + +1860. + + + + +To the Hon. Samuel E. Sewall, Faithful Always To "Women And Work," and One +of the Best Friends of The New-England Female Medical College, The Editor +Gratefully Dedicates This Volume. + + + + + "The men (who are prating, too, on their side) cry, + 'A woman's function plainly is ... to talk.'" + + "What + He doubts is, whether we can _do_ the thing + With decent grace we've not yet done at all. + Now do it." + + "Bring your statue: + You have room." + + "None of us is mad enough to say + We'll have a grove of oaks upon that slope, + And sink the need of acorns." + + + + +Preface. + + + +It is due to myself to say, that the manner in which the Autobiography is +subordinated to the general subject in the present volume, and also the +manner in which it is _veiled_ by the title, are concessions to the +modesty of her who had the best right to decide in what fashion I should +profit by her goodness, and are very far from being my own choice. + +Caroline H. Dall. + +49. Bradford Street, Boston, +Oct. 30, 1860. + + + + +Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor" + + + +It never happens that a true and forcible word is spoken for women, that, +however faithless and unbelieving women themselves may be, some noble men +do not with heart and hand attempt to give it efficiency. + +If women themselves are hard upon their own sex, men are never so in +earnest. They realize more profoundly than women the depth of affection +and self-denial in the womanly soul; and they feel also, with crushing +certainty, the real significance of the obstacles they have themselves +placed in woman's way. + +Reflecting men are at this moment ready to help women to enter wider +fields of labor, because, on the one side, the destitution and vice they +have helped to create appalls their consciousness; and, on the other, a +profane inanity stands a perpetual blasphemy in the face of the Most High. + +I do not exaggerate. Every helpless woman is such a blasphemy. So, indeed, +is every helpless man, where helplessness is not born of idiocy or +calamity; but society neither expects, provides for, nor defends, helpless +men. + +So it happened, that, after the publication of "Woman's Right to Labor," +generous men came forward to help me carry out my plans. The best printer +in Boston said, "I am willing to take women into my office at once, if you +can find women who will submit to an apprenticeship like men." On the same +conditions, a distinguished chemist offered to take a class of women, and +train them to be first-class apothecaries or scientific observers, as they +might choose. To these offers there were no satisfactory responses. "Yes," +said the would-be printers, "we will go into an office for six months; +but, by that time, our oldest sisters will be married, and our mothers +will want us at home." + +"An apprenticeship of six years!" exclaimed the young lady of a chemical +turn. "I should like to learn very much, so that I could be a chemist, _if +I ever had to_; but poison myself for six years over those 'fumes,' not +I." It is easy to rail against society and men in general: but it is very +painful for a woman to confess her heaviest obstacle to success; namely, +the _weakness of women_. The slave who dances, unconscious of degradation +on the auction-block, is at once the greatest stimulus and the bitterest +discouragement of the antislavery reformer: so women, contented in +ignominious dependence, restless even to insanity from the need of healthy +employment and the perversion of their instincts, and confessedly looking +to marriage for salvation, are at once a stimulus to exertion, and an +obstacle in our way. But no kind, wise heart will heed this obstacle. +Having spoken plain to society, having won the sympathy of men, let us see +if we cannot compel the attention of these well-disposed but thoughtless +damsels. + +"Six years out of the very bloom of our lives to be spent in the +printing-office or the laboratory!" exclaim the dismayed band; and they +flutter out of reach along the sidewalks of Beacon Street, or through the +mazes of the "Lancers." + +But what happens ten years afterward, when, from twenty-six to thirty, +they find themselves pushed off the _pavé_, or left to blossom on the +wall? Desolate, because father and brother have died; disappointed, +because well-founded hopes of a home or a "career" have failed; +impoverished, because they depended on strength or means that are +broken,--what have they now to say to the printing-office or the +apothecary's shop? They enter both gladly; with quick woman's wit, +learning as much in six months as men would in a year; but grumbling and +discontented, that, in competing with men who have spent their whole lives +in preparation, they can only be paid at half-wages. What does common +sense demand, if not that women should make thorough preparation for +trades or professions; and, having taken up a resolution, should abide by +all its consequences like men? + +Before cases like these my lips are often sealed, and my hands drop +paralyzed. Not that they alter God's truth, or make the duty of protest +against existing wrong any less incumbent: but they obscure the truth; +they needlessly complicate the duty. + +Perplexed and anxious, I have often felt that what I needed most was an +example to set before young girls,--an example not removed by superiority +of station, advantage of education, or unwonted endowment, beyond their +grasp and imitation. + +There was Florence Nightingale. But her father had a title: it was fair +to presume that her opportunities were titled also. All the girls I knew +wished they could have gone to the Crimea; while I was morally certain, +that the first amputation would have turned them all faint. There was +Dorothea Dix: she had money and time. It was not strange that she had +great success; for she started, a monomaniac in philanthropy, from the +summit of personal independence. Mrs. John Stuart Mill: had she ever +wanted bread? George Sand: the woman wasn't respectable. In short, +whomsoever I named, who had pursued with undeviating perseverance a worthy +career, my young friends had their objections ready. No one had ever been +so poor, so ill educated, so utterly without power to help herself, as +they; and, provoking as these objections were, I felt that they had force. +My young friends were not great geniuses: they were ordinary women, who +should enter the ordinary walks of life with the ordinary steadfastness +and devotion of men in the same paths; nothing more. What I wanted was an +example,--not too stilted to be useful,--a life flowing out of +circumstances not dissimilar to their own, but marked by a steady will, an +unswerving purpose. As I looked back over my own life, and wished I could +read them its lessons,--and I looked back a good way; for I was very +young, when the miserable destitution of a drunkard's wife, whom I +assisted, showed me how comfortable a thing it was to rest at the mercy of +the English common law,--as I looked back over my long interest in the +position of woman, I felt that my greatest drawback had been the want of +such an example. Every practical experiment that the world recorded had +been made under such peculiar circumstances, or from such a fortuitous +height, that it was at once rejected as a lesson. + +One thing I felt profoundly: as men sow they must reap; and so must women. +The practical misery of the world--its terrible impurity will never be +abated till women prepare themselves from their earliest years to enter +the arena of which they are ambitious, and stand there at last mature and +calm, but, above all, _thoroughly trained_; trained also at _the side of +the men_, with whom they must ultimately work; and not likely, therefore +to lose balance or fitness by being thrown, at the last moment, into +unaccustomed relations. A great deal of nonsense has been talked lately +about the unwillingness of women to enter the reading-room of the Cooper +Institute, where men also resort. + +"A woman's library," in any city, is one of the partial measures that I +deprecate: so I only partially rejoice over the late establishment of such +a library in New York. I look upon it as one of those half-measures which +must be endured in the progress of any desired reform; and, while I wish +the Cooper Institute and its reading-room God-speed with every fibre of my +consciousness, I have no words with which to express my shame at the +mingled hypocrisy and indelicacy of those who object to use it. What woman +stays at home from a ball because she will meet men there? What woman +refuses to walk Broadway in the presence of the stronger sex? What woman +refuses to buy every article of her apparel from the hands of a man, or to +let the woman's tailor or shoemaker take the measure of her waist or foot; +try on and approve her coiffure or bernouse? + +What are we to think, then, of the delicacy which shrinks from the +reading-room frequented by men; which discovers so suddenly that magazines +are more embarrassing than mazourkas; that to read in a cloak and hat +before a man is more indelicate than to waltz in his presence half denuded +by fashion? + +Of course, we are to have no patience with it, and to refuse utterly to +entertain a remonstrance so beneath propriety. + +The object of my whole life has been to inspire in women a desire for +_thorough training_ to some special end, and a willingness to share the +training of men both for specific and moral reasons. Only by sharing such +training can women be sure that they will be well trained; only by +God-ordained, natural communion of all men and women can the highest moral +results be reached. + +"Free labor and free society:" I have said often to myself, in these two +phrases lies hidden the future purification of society. When men and women +go everywhere together, the sights they dare not see together will no +longer exist. + +Fair and serene will rise before them all heights of possible attainment; +and, looking off over the valleys of human endeavor together, they will +clear the forest, drain the morass, and improve the interval stirred by a +common impulse. + +When neither has any thing to hide from the other, no social duty will +seem too difficult to be undertaken; and, when the interest of each sex is +to secure the purity of the other, neither religion nor humanity need +despair of the result. + +It was while fully absorbed in thoughts and purposes like these, that, in +the autumn of 1856, I first saw Marie Zakrzewska.[1] During a short visit +to Boston (for she was then resident in New York), a friend brought her +before a physiological institute, and she addressed its members. + +She spoke to them of her experience in the hospital at Berlin, and showed +that the most sinning, suffering woman never passed beyond the reach of a +woman's sympathy and help. She had not, at that time, thoroughly mastered +the English language; though it was quite evident that she was fluent, +even to eloquence, in German. Now and then, a word failed her; and, with a +sort of indignant contempt at the emergency, she forced unaccustomed words +to do her service, with an adroitness and determination that I never saw +equalled. I got from it a new revelation of the power of the English +language. She illustrated her noble and nervous thoughts with incidents +from her own experience one of which was told in a manner which impressed +it for ever on my consciousness. + +"Soon after I entered the hospital," said Marie, "the nurse called me to a +ward where sixteen of the most forlorn objects had begun to fight with +each other. The inspector and the young physicians had been called to +them, but dared not enter the _mêlée_. When I arrived, pillows, chairs, +foot-stools and vessels had deserted their usual places; and one stout +little woman, with rolling eyes and tangled hair, lifted a vessel of +slops, which she threatened to throw all over me, as she exclaimed, 'Don't +dare to come here, you green young thing!' + +"I went quietly towards her, saying gently, 'Be ashamed, my dear woman, of +your fury.' + +"Her hands dropped. Seizing me by the shoulder she exclaimed, 'You don't +mean that you look on me as a woman?' + +"'How else?' I answered; while she retreated to her bed, all the rest +standing in the attitudes into which passion had thrown them. + +"'Arrange your beds,' I said; 'and in fifteen minutes let me return, and +find every thing right.' When I returned, all was as I had desired; every +woman standing at her bedside. The short woman was missing; but, bending +on each a friendly glance, I passed through the ward, which never gave me +any more trouble. + +"When, late at night, I entered my room, it was fragrant with violets. A +green wreath surrounded an old Bible, and a little bouquet rested upon +it. I did not pause to speculate over this sentimentality, but threw +myself weary upon the bed; when a light tap at the door startled me. The +short woman entered; and humbling herself on the floor, since she would +not sit in my presence entreated to be heard. + +"'You called me a woman,' she said, 'and you pity us. Others call us by +the name the world gives us. You would help us, if help were possible. All +the girls love you, and are ashamed before you; and therefore _I_ hate +you--no: I will not hate you any longer. There was a time when I might +have been saved,--I and Joanna and Margaret and Louise. We were not bad. +Listen to me. If _you_ say there is any hope, I will yet be an honest +woman.' + +"She had had respectable parents; and, when twenty years old, was deserted +by her lover, who left her three months pregnant. Otherwise kind, her +family perpetually reproached her with her disgrace, and threatened to +send her away. At last, she fled to Berlin; keeping herself from utter +starvation, by needlework. In the hospital to which she went for +confinement, she took the small-pox. When she came out, with her baby in +her arms, her face was covered with red blotches. Not even the lowest +refuge was open to her, her appearance was so frightful. With her baby +dragging at her empty breast, she wandered through the streets. An old hag +took pity on both; and, carefully nursed till health returned, her good +humor and native wit made those about her forget her ugly face. She was in +a brothel, where she soon took the lead. Her child died, and she once more +attempted to earn her living as a seamstress. She was saved from +starvation only by her employer, who received her as his mistress. Now her +luck changed: she suffered all a woman could; handled poison and the +firebrand. 'I thought of stealing,' she said, 'only as an amusement: it +was not exciting enough for a trade.'. She found herself in prison; and +was amused to be punished for a trifle, when nobody suspected her crime. +It was horrible to listen to these details; more horrible to witness her +first repentance. + +"When I thanked her for her violets, she kissed my hands, and promised to +be good. + +"While she remained in the hospital, I took her as my servant, and trusted +every thing to her; and, when finally discharged, she went out to service. +She wished to come with me to America. I could not bring her; but she +followed, and, when I was in Cleveland, inquired for me in New York." + +It will be impossible, for those who have not heard such stories from the +lips and in the dens of the sufferers, to feel as I felt when this dropped +from the pure lips of the lecturer. For the first time I saw a woman who +knew what I knew, felt what I felt, and was strong in purpose and power to +accomplish our common aim,--the uplifting of the fallen, the employment of +the idle, and the purification of society. + +I needed no farther introduction to Marie Zakrzewska. I knew nothing of +her previous history or condition; but when I looked upon her clear, broad +forehead, I saw "Faithful unto death" bound across it like a phylactery. I +did not know how many years she had studied; but I saw thoroughness +ingrained into her very muscle. I asked no questions of the clear, strong +gaze that pierced the assembly; but I felt very sure that it could be as +tender as it was keen. For the first time I saw a woman in a public +position, about whom I felt thoroughly at ease; competent to all she had +undertaken, and who had undertaken nothing whose full relations to her sex +and society she did not understand. + +I thanked God for the sight, and very little thought that I should see +her again. She came once more, and we helped her to establish the Women's +Infirmary in New York; again, and we installed her as Resident Physician +in the New-England Female Medical College. + +I had never felt any special interest in this college. I was willing it +should exist as one of the half-way measures of which I have spoken,--like +the reading-room in New York; but I was bent on opening the colleges which +already existed to women, and I left it to others to nurse the young life +of this. The first medical men, I felt assured, would never, in the +present state of public opinion, take an interest in a _female_ college; +and I desired, above all things, to protect women from second-rate +instruction. + +But, when Marie Zakrzewska took up her residence in Springfield Street, it +was impossible to feel indifferent. Here was a woman born to inspire +faith; meeting all men as her equals till they proved themselves superior; +capable of spreading a contagious fondness for the study of medicine, as +Dr. Black once kindled a chemical enthusiasm in Edinburgh. + +Often did I ponder her past life, which had left significant lines on +face and form. We met seldom,--always with perfect trust. Whatever I might +have to say, I should have felt sure of being understood, if I had not +seen her for six months; nor could she have failed to find a welcome in my +heart for any words of hers. + +Then I heard the course of lectures which she delivered to ladies in the +spring of 1860. For the first time, I heard a woman speak of scientific +subjects in a way that satisfied me; nor should I have blushed to find +scientific men among her audience. I had felt, from the first, that her +life might do what my words never could: namely, inspire women with faith +to try their own experiments; give them a dignity, which should refuse to +look forward to marriage as an end, while it would lead them to accept it +gladly as a providential help. I did not fear that she would be untrue to +her vocation, or easily forsake it for a more domestic sphere. She had not +entered it, I could see, without measuring her own purpose and its use. + +It was with such feelings, and such knowledge of Marie, that in a private +conversation, last summer with Miss Mary L. Booth of New York, I heard +with undisguised pleasure that she had in her possession an autobiography +of her friend, in the form of a letter. I really longed to get possession +of that letter so intensely, that I dared not ask to see it: but I urged +Miss Booth to get consent to its publication; "for," I said, "no single +thing will help my work, I am convinced, so much." + +"I look forward to its publication," she replied, "with great delight: it +will be the sole labor of love, of my literary life. But neither you nor I +believe in reputations which death and posterity have not confirmed. What +reasons could I urge to Marie for its present publication?" + +"The good of her own sex," I replied, "and a better knowledge of the +intimate relations existing between free labor and a pure society. I know +nothing of our friend's early circumstances; but I cannot be mistaken in +the imprint they have left. This is one of those rare cases, in which a +life may belong to the public before it has closed." + +I returned to Boston. Later in the season, Miss Booth visited Dr. +Zakrzewska. Imagine my surprise when she came to me one day, and laid +before me the coveted manuscript. "It is yours," she said, "to publish if +you choose. I have got Marie's consent. She gave it very reluctantly; but +her convictions accord with yours, and she does not think she has any +right to refuse. As for me," Miss Booth continued, "I resign without +regret my dearest literary privilege, because I feel that the position you +have earned in reference to 'woman's labor' entitles you to edit it." + +In an interview which I afterwards held with Marie Zakrzewska, she gave me +to understand, that, had she been of American birth, she would never have +consented to the publication of her letter in her lifetime. "But," she +said, "I am a foreigner. You who meet me and sustain me are entitled to +know something of my previous history. Those whom I most loved are dead; +not a word of the record can pain them; not a word but may help some life +just now beginning. It will make a good sequel to 'Woman's Right to +Labor.'" + +"Only too good," I thought. "May God bless the lesson!" + +It was agreed between Miss Booth and myself, that the autobiography should +keep its original, simple form, to indicate how and why it was written: so +I invite my friends to read it at once with me. Here is something as +entertaining as a novel, and as useful as a treatise. Here is a story +which must enchant the conservative, while it inspires the reformer. The +somewhat hazy forms of Drs. Schmidt and Müller, the king's order to the +rebellious electors, the historic prestige of a Prussian locality,--all +these will lend a magic charm to the plain lesson which New York and +Boston need. + + * * * * * + +New York, September, 1857. + +Dear Mary, + +It is especially for your benefit that I write these facts of my life. I +am not a great personage, either through inherited qualifications or the +work that I have to show to the world; yet you may find, in reading this +little sketch, that with few talents, and very moderate means for +developing them, I have accomplished more than many women of genius and +education would have done in my place, for the reason that confidence and +faith in their own powers were wanting. And, for this reason, I know that +this story might be of use to others, by encouraging those who timidly +shrink from the field of action, though endowed with all that is necessary +to enable them to come forth and do their part in life. The fact that a +woman of no extraordinary powers can make her way by the simple +determination, that whatever she can do she will do, must inspire those +who are fitted to do much, yet who do nothing because they are not +accustomed to determine and decide for themselves. + +I do not intend to weary you with details of my childhood, as I think that +children are generally very uninteresting subjects of conversation to any +except their parents, who naturally discover what is beautiful and +attractive in them, and appreciate what is said in correspondence with +their own feelings. I shall, therefore, only tell you a few facts of this +period of my life, which I think absolutely necessary to illustrate my +character and nature. + +I was born in Berlin, Prussia, on the 6th of September, 1829; and am the +eldest of a family of five sisters and one brother. My early childhood +passed happily, though heavy clouds of sorrow and care at times +overshadowed our family circle. I was of a cheerful disposition; and was +always in good humor, even when sick. I was quiet and gentle in all my +amusements: my chief delight consisting in telling stories to my sister, +one year younger than myself, who was always glad to listen to these +products of my imagination, which were wholly original; for no stories +were told me, nor had I any children's books. My heroes and heroines were +generally distinguished for some mental peculiarity,--being kind or +cruel, active or indolent,--which led them into all sorts of adventures +till it suited my caprice to terminate their career. In all our little +affairs, I took the lead, planning and directing every thing; while my +playmates seemed to take it for granted, that it was their duty to carry +out my commands. + +My memory is remarkable in respect to events that occurred at this time, +while it always fails to recall dates and names. When twenty years of age, +I asked my father what sort of a festival he took me to once, in company +with a friend of his with only one arm, when we walked through meadows +where daisies were blossoming in millions, and where we rode in carriages +that went round continually until they were wound up. My father answered, +with much surprise, that it was a public festival of the cabinet-makers, +which was celebrated in a neighboring village; and that I was, at that +time, only nineteen months old. + +He was so much interested in my story, that I related another of my +memories. One dark morning, my mother wakened me, and hastened my +dressing. After this was accomplished, she handed me a cup of something +which I had never tasted before, and which was as disagreeable as +assafoetida in later years. This was some coffee, which I had to take +instead of my usual milk. Then I went with my father to the large park +called Thiergarten, where we saw the sun rise. I began to spring about; +looking at the big oaks which seemed to reach into the heavens, or +stooping down to pluck a flower. Birds of all kinds were singing in +chorus, while the flower-beds surrounding the statue of Flora scented the +pure morning air with the sweetest of perfumes. The sun ascended, +meanwhile, from the edge of a little pond covered with water-lilies. I was +intoxicated with joy. The feeling of that morning is as fresh to-day as +when I related this to my father. I know I walked till I got fairly tired, +and we reached a solitary house beyond the park. Probably fatigue took +entire possession of me; for I remember nothing more till we were on our +way home, and the sun was setting. Then I begged for some large yellow +plums which I saw in the stores. My father bought some, but gave me only a +few; while I had a desire for all, and stole them secretly from his +pockets; so that, when we reached home, I had eaten them all. I was sick +after I went to bed, and remember taking some horrible stuff the next +morning (probably rhubarb); thus ending the day, which had opened so +poetically, in rather a prosaic manner. When I repeated this, my parents +laughed, and said that I was only twenty-six months old, when my father's +pride in his oldest child induced him to take me on this visit; when I +walked the whole way, which was about _nine miles_. These anecdotes are +worth preserving, only because they indicate an impressionable nature, and +great persistence of muscular endurance. It is peculiar, that between +these two events, and a third which occurred a year after, every thing +should be a blank. + +A little brother was then born to me, and lay undressed upon a cushion, +while my father cried with sobs. I had just completed my third year, and +could not understand why, the next day, this little thing was carried off +in a black box. + +From that time, I remember almost every day's life. + +I very soon began to manifest the course of my natural tendencies. Like +most little girls, I was well provided with dolls; and, on the day after a +new one came into my possession, I generally discovered that the dear +little thing was ill, and needed to be nursed and doctored. Porridges and +teas were accordingly cooked on my little toy stove, and administered to +the poor doll, until the _papier-mâché_ was thoroughly saturated and +broken; when she was considered dead, and preparations were made for her +burial,--this ceremony being repeated over and over again. White dresses +were put on for the funeral; a cricket was turned upside-down to serve as +the coffin; my mother's flower-pots furnished the green leaves for +decoration; and I delivered the funeral oration in praise of the little +sufferer, while placing her in the tomb improvised of chairs. I hardly +ever joined the other children in their plays, except upon occasions like +these, when I appeared in the characters of doctor, priest, and +undertaker; generally improving the opportunity to moralize; informing my +audience, that Ann (the doll) had died in consequence of disobeying her +mother by going out before she had recovered from the measles, &c. Once I +remember moving my audience to tears by telling them that little Ann had +been killed by her brother, who, in amusing himself with picking off the +dry skin after she had had the scarlatina, had carelessly torn off the +real skin over the heart, as they could see; thus leaving it to beat in +the air, and causing the little one to die. This happened after we had all +had the scarlatina. + +When five years old, I was sent to a primary school. Here I became the +favorite of the teacher of arithmetic; for which study I had quite a +fancy. The rest of the teachers disliked me. They called me unruly because +I would not obey arbitrary demands without receiving some reason, and +obstinate because I insisted on following my own will when I knew that I +was in the right. I was told that I was not worthy to be with my +playmates; and when I reached the highest class in the school, in which +alone the boys and girls were taught separately, I was separated from the +latter, and was placed with the boys by way of punishment, receiving +instructions with them from men, while the girls in the other class were +taught by women. Here I found many friends. I joined the boys in all their +sports; sliding and snow-balling with them in winter, and running and +playing ball in summer. With them I was merry, frank, and self-possessed; +while with the girls I was quiet, shy, and awkward. I never made friends +with the girls, or felt like approaching them. + +Once only, when I was eleven years old, a girl in the young ladies' +seminary in which I had been placed when eight years of age won my +affection. This was Elizabeth Hohenhorst, a child of twelve, remarkably +quiet, and disposed to melancholy. She was a devout Catholic; and, knowing +that she was fated to become a nun, was fitting herself for that dreary +destiny, which rendered her very sentimental She was full of fanciful +visions, but extremely sweet and gentle in her manners. My love for her +was unbounded. I went to church in her company, was present at all the +religious festivals, and accompanied her to receive religious instruction: +in short, I made up my mind to become a Catholic, and, if possible, a nun +like herself. My parents, who were Rationalists, belonging to no church, +gave me full scope to follow out my own inclinations; leaving it to my +nature to choose for me a fitting path. This lasted until Elizabeth went +for the first time to the confessional; and, when the poor innocent child +could find no other sin of which to speak than the friendship which she +cherished for a Protestant, the priest forbade her to continue this, until +I, too, had become a Catholic; reminding her of the holiness of her future +career. The poor girl conscientiously promised to obey. When I came the +next morning and spoke to her as usual, she turned away from me, and burst +into tears. Surprised and anxious, I asked what was the matter; when, in a +voice broken with sobs, she told me the whole story, and begged me to +become a Catholic as soon as I was fourteen years old. Never in my whole +life shall I forget that morning. For a moment, I gazed on her with the +deepest emotion, pitying her almost more than myself; then suddenly turned +coldly and calmly away, without answering a single word. My mind had +awakened to the despotism of Roman Catholicism, and the church had lost +its expected convert. I never went near her again, and never exchanged +another word with her. This was the only friend I had during eight and a +half years of uninterrupted attendance at school. + +A visit that I paid to my maternal grandfather, when seven or eight years +old, made a strong impression on my mind. My grandfather, on his return +from the war of 1813-15, in which he had served, had received from the +authorities of Prenzlau (the city in which he lived) a grant of a +half-ruined cloister, with about a hundred acres of uncultivated land +attached, by way of acknowledgment for his services. He removed thither +with his family; and shortly after invited the widows of some soldiers, +who lived in the city, to occupy the apartments which he did not need. The +habitable rooms were soon filled to overflowing with widows and orphans, +who went to work with him to cultivate the ground. It was not long before +crippled and invalid soldiers arrived, begging to be allowed to repair the +cloister, and to find a shelter also within its walls. They were set to +work at making brick, the material for which my grandfather had discovered +on his land: and, in about five years, an institution was built, the more +valuable from the fact that none lived there on charity, but all earned +what they needed by cultivating the ground; having first built their own +dwelling, which, at this time, looked like a palace, surrounded by trees, +grass, and flowers. Here, in the evening, the old soldiers sung martial +songs, or told stories of the wars to the orphans gathered about them, +while resting from the labors of the day. + +I tell you of this institution so minutely, to prove to you how wrong it +is to provide charitable homes for the poor as we provide them,--homes in +which the charity always humiliates and degrades the individual. Here you +have an instance in which poor crippled invalids and destitute women and +children established and supported themselves, under the guidance of a +clear-headed, benevolent man, who said, "Do what you like, but work for +what you need." He succeeded admirably, though he died a very poor man; +his younger children becoming inmates of the establishment, until they +were adopted by their relatives. + +When I visited my grandfather, the "convent," as he insisted on calling +it,--rejecting any name that would have indicated a charitable +institution,--contained about a hundred invalid soldiers, a hundred old +women, and two hundred and fifty orphans. One of the wings of the building +was fitted up as a hospital, and a few of the rooms were occupied by +lunatics. It was my greatest delight to take my grandfather's hand at +noon, as he walked up and down the dining-room, between the long tables, +around which were grouped so many cheerful, hearty faces; and I stood +before him with an admiration that it is impossible to describe, as he +prayed, with his black velvet cap in his hand, before and after dinner; +though I could not comprehend why he should thank another person for what +had been done, when every one there told me that all that they had they +owed to my grandfather. + +One afternoon, on returning from the dining-room to his study, I spied on +his desk a neatly written manuscript. I took it up, and began to read. It +was a dissertation on immortality, attempting by scientific arguments to +prove its impossibility. I became greatly interested, and read on without +noticing that my grandfather had left the room, nor that the large bell +had rung to call the family to dinner. My grandfather, a very punctual +man, who would never allow lingering, came back to call and to reprimand +me; when he suddenly started on seeing the paper in my hands, and, +snatching it from me, tore it in pieces, exclaiming, "That man is insane, +and will make this child so too!" A little frightened, I went to the +dinner-table, thinking as much about my grandfather's words as about what +I had read; without daring, however, to ask who this man was. The next +day, curiosity mastered fear. I asked my grandfather who had written that +paper; and was told, in reply, that it was poor crazy Jacob. I then begged +to see him; but this my grandfather decidedly refused, saying that he was +like a wild beast, and lay, without clothes, upon the straw. I knew +nothing of lunatics; and the idea of a wild man stimulated my curiosity to +such an extent, that, from that time, I teased my grandfather incessantly +to let me see Jacob, until he finally yielded, to be rid of my +importunity, and led me to the cell in which he was confined. What a +spectacle presented itself in the house that I had looked on as the abode +of so much comfort! On a bundle of straw, in a corner of a room, with no +furniture save its bare walls, sat a man, clad only in a shirt; with the +left hand chained to the wall, and the right foot to the floor. An +inkstand stood on the floor by his side; and on his knee was some paper, +on which he was writing. His hair and beard were uncombed, and his fine +eyes glared with fury as we approached him. He tried to rise, ground his +teeth, made grimaces, and shook his fist at my grandfather, who tried in +vain to draw me out of the room. But, escaping from his grasp, I stepped +towards the lunatic, who grew more quiet when he saw me approach; and I +tried to lift the chain, which had attracted my attention. Then, finding +it too heavy for me, I turned to my grandfather and asked, "Does not this +hurt the poor man?" I had hardly spoken the words when his fury returned, +and he shrieked,-- + +"Have I not always told you that you were cruel to me? Must this child +come to convince you of your barbarity? Yes: you have no heart." + +I looked at my grandfather: all my admiration of him was gone; and I said, +almost commandingly,--"Take off these chains! It is bad of you to tie this +man!" + +The man grew calm at once, and asked imploringly to be set free; +promising to be quiet and tractable if my grandfather would give him a +trial. This was promised him: his chains were removed the same day; and +Jacob was ever after not only harmless and obedient, but also a very +useful man in the house. + +I never afterwards accompanied my grandfather. I had discovered a side in +his nature which repelled me. I spent the remainder of my visit in the +workrooms and the sickroom, always secretly fearing that I should meet +with some new cruelty; but no such instance ever came to my view. + +On my return from my grandfather's, I found that a cousin had suddenly +become blind. She was soon after sent to the ophthalmic hospital, where +she remained for more than a year; and, during this time, I was her +constant companion after school-hours. I was anxious to be useful to her; +and, being gentler than the nurse, she liked to have me wash out the +issues that were made in her back and arms. The nurse, who was very +willing to be relieved of the duty, allowed me to cleanse the eyes of the +girl next my cousin; and thus these cares were soon made to depend on my +daily visit. Child as I was, I could not help observing the carelessness +of the nurses, and their great neglect of cleanliness. One day, when the +head-nurse had washed the floor, leaving pools of water standing under the +beds, the under-nurse found fault with it, and said, "I shall tell the +doctor, when he comes, why it is that the patients always have colds." +"Do," said the head-nurse. "What do men understand of such matters? If +they knew any thing about them, they would long ago have taken care that +the mattress upon which one patient dies should always be changed before +another comes in." This quarrel impressed itself upon my memory; and the +wish rose in my mind, that some day I might be head-nurse, to prevent such +wrongs, and to show kindness to the poor lunatics. + +At the end of the year, my cousin left the hospital At the same time, +trouble and constant sickness fell upon our family. My father, who held +liberal opinions and was of an impetuous temperament manifested some +revolutionary tendencies, which drew upon him the displeasure of the +government and caused his dismissal, with a very small pension, from his +position as military officer. This involved us in great pecuniary +difficulties; for our family was large, and my father's income too small +to supply the most necessary wants; while to obtain other occupation for +the time was out of the question In this emergency, my mother determined +to petition the city government for admission to the school of midwives +established in Berlin, in order in this manner to aid in the support of +the family. Influential friends of my father secured her the election; and +she was admitted to the school in 1839, I being at that time ten years of +age. + +The education of midwives for Berlin requires a two years' course of +study, during six months of which they are obliged to reside in the +hospital, to receive instructions from the professors together with the +male students. My mother went there in the summer of 1840. I went to stay +at the house of an aunt, who wished my company; and the rest of the +children were put out to board together. + +In a few weeks, my eyes became affected with weakness, so that I could +neither read nor write; and I begged my mother to let me stay with her in +the hospital. She applied for permission to the director, and received a +favorable answer. I was placed under the care of one of the physicians +(Dr. Müller), who took a great fancy to me, and made me go with him +wherever he went while engaged in the hospital. My eyes being bandaged, he +led me by the hand, calling me his "little blind doctor." In this way I +was constantly with him, hearing all his questions and directions, which +impressed themselves the more strongly on my mind from the fact that I +could not see, but had to gain all my knowledge through hearing alone. + +One afternoon, when I had taken the bandage off my eyes for the first +time, Dr. Muller told me that there was a corpse of a young man to be seen +in the dead-house, that had turned completely green in consequence of +poison that he had eaten. I went there after my rounds with him: but +finding the room filled with relatives, who were busily engaged in +adorning the body with flowers, I thought that I would not disturb them, +but would wait until they had gone before I looked at it; and went +meanwhile through the adjoining rooms. These were all freshly painted. The +dissecting-tables, with the necessary apparatus, stood in the centre; +while the bodies, clad in white gowns, were ranged on boards along the +walls. I examined every thing; came back, and looked to my heart's content +at the poisoned young man, without noticing that not only the relatives +had left, but that the prosector had also gone away, after locking up the +whole building I then went a second time to the other rooms, and looked +again at every thing there; and at last, when it became dark and I could +not leave the house, sat down upon the floor, and went to sleep, after +knocking for half an hour at the door, in the hope that some passer might +hear. + +My mother, who knew that I had gone with Dr. Müller, did not trouble +herself about me until nine o'clock, when she grew uneasy at my stay; and, +thinking that he might have taken me to his rooms, went there in search of +me, but found that he was out, and that the doors were locked. She then +inquired of the people in the house whether they knew any thing about me, +and was told that they had last seen me going into the dead-house. Alarmed +at this intelligence, my mother hastened to the prosector, who unwillingly +went with her to the park in which the dead-house stood, assuring her all +the way that I could not possibly be there; when, on opening the door, he +saw me sitting close by, on the floor, fast asleep. + +In a few days after this adventure, I recovered the use of my eyes. As it +was at this time the summer vacation, in which I had no school-tasks, I +asked Dr. Müller for some books to read. He inquired what kind of books I +wanted. I told him, "Books about history;" upon which he gave me two huge +volumes,--The "History of Midwifery" and the "History of Surgery." Both +were so interesting that I read them through during the six weeks of +vacation; which occupied me so closely that even my friend Dr. Müller +could not lay hold of me when he went his morning and evening rounds. From +this time I date my study of medicine; for, though I did not continue to +read upon the subject, I was instructed in the no less important branch of +psychology by a new teacher, whom I found on my return to school at the +close of the summer vacation. + +To explain better how my mind was prepared for such teaching, I must go +back to my position in school. In both schools that I attended, I was +praised for my punctuality, industry, and quick perception. Beloved I was +in neither: on the contrary, I was made the target for all the impudent +jokes of my fellow-pupils; ample material for which was furnished in the +carelessness with which my hair and dress were usually arranged; these +being left to the charge of a servant, who troubled herself very little +about how I looked, provided that I was whole and clean. The truth was, I +often presented a ridiculous appearance; and once I could not help +laughing heartily at myself, on seeing my own face by accident in a +glass, with one braid of hair commencing over the right eye, and the other +over the left ear. I quietly hung a map over the glass to hide the +ludicrous picture, and continued my studies; and most likely appeared in +the same style the next day. My face, besides, was neither handsome, nor +even prepossessing; a large nose overshadowing the undeveloped features: +and I was ridiculed for my ugliness, both in school and at home, where an +aunt of mine, who disliked me exceedingly, always said, in describing +plain people, "Almost as ugly as Marie." + +Another cause arose to render my position at school still more +intolerable. In consequence of the loss of his position in the army, my +father could no longer afford to pay my school-bills; and was about, in +consequence, to remove me from school; when the principal offered to +retain me without pay, although she disliked me, and did not hesitate to +show it, any more than to tell me, whenever I offended her, that she would +never keep so ugly and naughty a child _without being paid for it_, were +it not for the sake of so noble a father. + +These conditions and harsh judgments made me a philosopher. I heard myself +called obstinate and wilful, only because I believed myself in the right, +and persisted in it. I felt that I was not maliciously disposed towards +any one, but wished well to all; and I offered my services not only +willingly, but cheerfully, wherever they could be of the least use; and +saw them accepted, and even demanded, by those who could not dispense with +them, though they shunned and ridiculed me the same as before. I felt that +they only sought me when they needed me: this made me shrink still more +from their companionship; and, when my sister did not walk home from +school with me, I invariably went alone. + +The idea that I might not wish to attach myself to playmates of this sort +never occurred to any one; but I was constantly reproached with having no +friends among my schoolfellows, and was told that no one could love so +disagreeable and repelling a child. This was a severe blow to my +affectionate nature; but I bore it calmly, consoling myself with the +thought that they were wrong,--that they did not understand me,--and that +the time would come, when they would learn that a great, warm heart was +concealed beneath the so-called repulsive exterior. But, however soothing +all this was for the time, a feeling of bitterness grew up within me. I +began to be provoked at my ugliness, which I believed to be excessive. I +speculated why parents so kind and good as mine should be deprived of +their means of support, merely because my father would not consent to +endure wrong and imposition. I was indignant at being told, that it was +only for my father's sake that I was retained in a school where I tried to +do my best, and where I always won the highest prizes; and I could not see +why, at home, I should be forced to do housework when I wanted to read, +while my brother, who wished to work, was compelled to study. When I +complained of this last grievance, I was told that I was a girl, and never +could learn much, but was only fit to become a housekeeper. All these +things threw me upon my own resources, and taught me to make the most of +every opportunity, custom and habit to the contrary notwithstanding. + +It was at this juncture that I found, on my return to school, the +psychologic instructor of whom I have spoken, in a newly engaged teacher +of history, geography, and arithmetic; all of which were my favorite +studies. With this man I formed a most peculiar friendship: he being +twenty years older than myself, and in every respect a highly educated +man; I, a child of twelve, neglected in every thing except in my +common-school education. He began by calling my attention to the +carelessness of my dress and the rudeness of my manners, and was the first +one who ever spoke kindly to me on the subject. I told him all my +thoughts; that I did not mean to be disagreeable, but that every one +thought that I could not be otherwise; that I was convinced that I was +good enough at heart; and that I had at last resigned myself to my +position, as something that could not be helped. My new friend lectured me +on the necessity of attracting others by an agreeable exterior and +courteous manners; and proved to me that I had unconsciously repelled them +by my carelessness, even when trying the most to please. His words made a +deep impression on me. I thanked him for every reproach, and strove to do +my best to gain his approbation. Henceforth my hair was always carefully +combed, my dress nicely arranged, and my collar in its place; and, as I +always won the first prizes in the school, two of the other teachers soon +grew friendly towards me, and began to manifest their preference quite +strongly. In a few months I became a different being. The bitterness that +had been growing up within me gradually disappeared; and I began to have +confidence in myself, and to try to win the companionship of the other +children. But a sudden change took place in my schoolmates, who grew +envious of the preference shown me by the teachers. Since they could no +longer ridicule me for the carelessness of my dress, they now began to +reproach me for my vanity, and to call me a coquette, who only thought of +pleasing through appearances. This blow was altogether too hard for me to +bear. I knew that they were wrong: for, with all the care I bestowed on my +dress, it was not half so fine as theirs; as I had but two calico dresses, +which I wore alternately, a week at a time, through the summer. I was +again repelled from them; and at noon, when the rest of the scholars went +home, I remained with my teacher-friend in the schoolroom, assisting him +in correcting the exercises of the pupils. I took the opportunity to tell +him of the curious envy that had taken possession of the girls; upon which +he began to explain to me human nature and its fallacies, drawing +inferences therefrom for personal application. He found a ready listener +in me. My inclination to abstract thought, combined with the unpleasant +experience I had had in life, made me an attentive pupil, and fitted me to +comprehend his reasoning in the broadest sense. For fifteen months, I thus +spent the noon-hour with him in the schoolroom; receiving lessons in and +reasoning upon concrete and abstract matters, that have since proved of +far more psychologic value to me than ten years of reading on the same +subjects could do. A strong attachment grew up between us: he became a +necessity to me, and I revered him like an oracle. But his health failed; +and he left the school at the end of these fifteen months, in a +consumption. Shortly after, he sent to the school for me one morning to +ask me to visit him on his deathbed. I was not permitted to leave the +class until noon; when, just as I was preparing to go, a messenger came to +inform the principal that he had died at eleven. This blow fell so heavily +upon me, that I wished to leave the school at once. I was forced to stay +three weeks longer, until the end of the quarter; when I left the +schoolroom on the 1st of April, 1843, at the age of thirteen years and +seven months, and never entered it again. + +On the same day that I quitted my school, an aunt, with whom I was a +favorite, was attacked with a violent hemorrhage from the lungs, and +wished me to come to stay with her. This suited my taste. I went; and, for +a fortnight, was her sole nurse. + +Upon my return home, my father told me, that, having quitted school, I +must now become a thorough housekeeper, of whom he might be proud; as this +was the only thing for which girls were intended by nature. I cheerfully +entered upon my new apprenticeship, and learned how to sweep, to scrub, to +wash, and to cook. This work answered very well as long as the novelty +lasted; but, as soon as this wore off, it became highly burdensome. Many a +forenoon, when I was alone, instead of sweeping and dusting, I passed the +hours in reading books from my father's library, until it grew so late, +that I was afraid that my mother, who had commenced practice, would come +home, and scold me for not attending to my work; when I would hurry to get +through, doing every thing so badly, that I had to hear daily that I was +good for nothing, and a nuisance in the world; and that it was not at all +surprising that I was not liked in school, for nobody could ever like or +be satisfied with me. + +Meanwhile, my mother's practice gradually increased; and her generous and +kindly nature won the confidence of hundreds, who, wretchedly poor, found +in her, not only a humane woman, but a most skilful practitioner. The poor +are good judges of professional qualifications. Without the aid that +money can buy, without the comforts that the wealthy hardly heed, and +without friends whose advice is prompted by intelligence, they must depend +entirely upon the skill and humanity of those to whom they apply. Their +life and happiness are placed in the hands of the physician, and they +jealously regard the one to whom they intrust them. None but a good +practitioner can gain fame and praise in this class, which is thought so +easily satisfied. It is often said, "Oh! those people are poor, and will +be glad of any assistance." Far from it. There is no class so entirely +dependent for their subsistence upon their strength and health; these +constitute their sole capital, their stock in trade: and, when sick, they +anxiously seek out the best physicians; for, if unskilfully attended, they +may lose their all, their fortune, and their happiness. + +My mother went everywhere, both night and day; and it soon came to pass, +that when she was sent for, and was not at home, I was deputed to go in +search of her. In this way I gradually became a regular appendage to my +mother; going with her in the winter nights from place to place, and +visiting those whom she could not visit during the day. I remember that in +January, 1845, my mother attended thirty-five women in childbed,--the list +of names is still in my possession,--and visited from sixteen to +twenty-five daily, with my assistance. I do not think, that, during the +month, we were in bed for one whole night. Two-thirds of these patients +were unable to pay a cent. During these years, I learned all of life that +it was possible for a human being to learn. I saw nobleness in dens, and +meanness in palaces; virtue among prostitutes, and vice among so-called +respectable women. I learned to judge human nature correctly; to see +goodness where the world found nothing but faults, and also to see faults +where the world could see nothing but virtue. The experience thus gained +cost me the bloom of youth; yet I would not exchange it for a life of +everlasting juvenescence. To keep up appearances is the aim of every one's +life; but to fathom these appearances, and judge correctly of what is +beneath them, ought to be the aim of those who seek to draw true +conclusions from life, or to benefit others by real sympathy. + +One fact I learned, both at this time and afterwards; namely, that men +always sympathize with fallen and wretched women, while women themselves +are the first to raise and cast the stone at them. Why is this? Have not +women as much feeling as men? Why, women are said to be made up entirely +of feeling. How does it happen, then, that women condemn where men pity? +Do they do this in the consciousness of their own superior virtue? Ah, no! +for many of the condemning are no better than the condemned. The reason +is, that men know the world; that is, they know the obstacles in the path +of life, and that they draw lines to exclude women from earning an honest +livelihood, while they throw opportunities in their way to earn their +bread by shame. All men are aware of this: therefore the good as well as +the bad give pity to those that claim it. It is my honest and earnest +conviction, that the reason that men are unwilling for women to enter upon +public or business life is, not so much the fear of competition, or the +dread lest women should lose their gentleness, and thus deprive society of +this peculiar charm, as the fact that they are ashamed of the foulness of +life which exists outside of the house and home. The good man knows that +it is difficult to purify it: the bad man does not wish to be disturbed in +his prey upon society. If I could but give to all women the tenth part of +my experience, they would see that this is true; and would see, besides, +that only faith in ourselves and in each other is needed to work a +reformation. Let woman enter fully into business, with its serious +responsibilities and duties; let it be made as honorable and as profitable +to her as to men; let her have an equal opportunity for earning competence +and comfort,--and we shall need no other purification of society. Men are +no more depraved than women; or, rather, the total depravity of mankind is +a lie. + +From the time of my leaving school until I was fifteen years old, my life +was passed, as I have described, in doing housework, attending the sick +with my mother, and reading a few books of a scientific and literary +character. At the end of this time, a letter came from an aunt of my +mother's, who was ill, and whose adopted daughter (who was my mother's +sister) was also an invalid, requesting me to visit and nurse them. I went +there in the fall. This was probably the most decisive event of my life. +My great-aunt had a cancer that was to be taken out. The other was +suffering from a nervous affection, which rendered her a confirmed +invalid. She was a most peculiar woman, and was a clairvoyant and +somnambulist of the most decided kind. Though not ill-natured, she was +full of caprices that would have exhausted the patience of the most +enduring of mortals. + +This aunt of mine had been sick in bed for seven years with a nervous +derangement, which baffled the most skilful physicians who had visited +her. Her senses were so acute, that one morning she fell into convulsions +from the effect of distant music which she heard. None of us could +perceive it, and we fully believed that her imagination had produced this +result. But she insisted upon it; telling us that the music was like that +of the Bohemian miners, who played nothing but polkas. I was determined to +ascertain the truth; and really found, that, in a public garden one and a +half miles from her house, such a troop had played all the afternoon. No +public music was permitted in the city, because the magistrate had +forbidden it on her account. + +She never was a Spiritualist, though she frequently went into what is now +called a trance. She spoke, wrote, sang, and had presentiments of the +finest kind, in this condition,--far better than I have ever seen here in +America in the case of the most celebrated mediums. + +She even prescribed for herself with success, yet was not a Spiritualist. +She was a somnambulist; and, though weak enough when awake, threatened +several times to pull the house down, by her violence in this condition. +She had strength like a lion, and no man could manage her. I saw the same +thing in the hospital later. This aunt is now healthy; not cured by her +own prescriptions or the magnetic or infinitesimal doses of Dr. Arthur +Lutze, but by a strong emotion which took possession of her at the time of +my great-aunt's death. She is not sorry that she has lost all these +strange powers, but heartily glad of it. When she afterwards visited us in +Berlin, she could speak calmly and quietly of the perversion to which the +nervous system may become subject, if managed wrongly; and could not tell +how glad she was to be rid of all the emotions and notions she had been +compelled to dream out. Over-care and over-anxiety had brought this about; +and the same causes could again bring on a condition which the ancients +deemed holy, and which the psychologist treats as one bordering on +insanity. + +The old aunt was extremely suspicious and avaricious. Eight weeks after my +arrival, she submitted to an operation. The operating surgeon found me so +good an assistant, that he intrusted me often with the succeeding dressing +of the wound. For six weeks, I was the sole nurse of the two; going from +one room to the other both night and day, and attending to the household +matters beside, with no other assistant than a woman who came every +morning for an hour or two to do the rough work; while an uncle and a +boy-cousin were continually troubling me with their torn buttons, &c. + +I learned in this time to be cheerful and light-hearted in all +circumstances; going often into the anteroom to have a healthy, hearty +laugh. My surroundings were certainly any thing but inspiring. I had the +sole responsibility of the two sick women; the one annoying me with her +caprices, the other with her avarice. In one room, I heard fanciful +forebodings; in the other, reproaches for having used a teaspoonful too +much sugar. I always had to carry the key of the storeroom to the old +aunt, in order that she might be sure that I could not go in and eat bread +when I chose. At the end of six weeks, she died; and I put on mourning for +the only time in my life, certainly not through grief. + +Shortly after the death of my aunt, the attending physician introduced me +to a disciple of Hahnemann by the name of Arthur Lutze; who was, I think, +a doctor of philosophy,--certainly not of medicine. Besides being an +infinitesimal homeopathist this man was a devotee to mesmerism. He became +very friendly towards me, and supplied me with books; telling me that I +would not only make a good homeopathic physician, but also an excellent +medium for mesmerism, magnetism, &c. At all events, I was glad to get the +books, which I read industriously; while he constantly supplied me with +new ones, so that I had quite a library when he left the place, which he +did before my return. He, too, lived in Berlin, and inquired my residence; +promising to visit me there, and to teach me the art he practised. + +I remained with my aunt until late in the spring; when my health failed, +and I returned home. I was very ill for a time with brain-fever; but at +last recovered, and set to work industriously to search for information in +respect to the human body. Dr. Lutze kept his word: he visited me at my +home, gave me more books, and directed my course of reading. But my +father, who had become reconciled to my inclination to assist my mother, +was opposed to homoeopathy, and especially opposed to Dr. Arthur Lutze. He +even threatened to turn him out of the house, if I permitted him to visit +me again; and burned all my books, except one that I snatched from the +flames. + +From this time, I was resolved to learn all that I could about the human +system. I read all the books on the subject that I could get, and tried +besides to educate myself in other branches. My father was satisfied with +this disposition, and was glad to hear me propose to have a French teacher +in the house, both for my sake and for that of the other children. I +studied in good earnest by myself at the same time, going through the +usual discipline of German girls. I learned plain sewing, dress-making and +the management of the household; but was allowed to use my leisure time as +I pleased. When my sisters went skating, I remained at home to study; when +they went to balls and theatres, I was thought the proper person to stay +to watch the house. Having become so much older, I was now of great +assistance to my mother in her business. No one complained any longer of +my ugliness or my rudeness. I was always busy; and, when at liberty, +always glad to do what I could for others; and, though these years were +full of hardships, I consider them among the happiest of my life. I was as +free as it was possible for any German girl to be. + +My household duties, however, continued distasteful to me, much to the +annoyance of my father, who still contended that this was the only sphere +of woman. From being so much with my mother, I had lost all taste for +domestic life: any thing out of doors was preferable to the monotonous +routine of the household. I at length determined to follow my inclinations +by studying, in order to fit myself to become a practitioner of midwifery, +as is usual in Berlin. My father was satisfied, and pleased with this +idea, which opened the way to an independent respectable livelihood; for +he never really wished to have us seek this in marriage. My mother did not +like my resolution at all. She practised, not because she liked the +profession, but because in this way she obtained the means of being +independent and of aiding in the education of the children. I persisted, +however, in my resolution; and immediately took measures to carry it into +effect by going directly to Dr. Joseph Hermann Schmidt, the Professor of +Midwifery in the University and Schools for Midwives, and Director of the +Royal Hospital Charité; while my father, who for several years held the +position of a civil officer, made the application to the city magistrates +for me to be admitted as a pupil to the School for Midwives in which my +mother had been educated. In order to show the importance of this step, it +is necessary to explain more fully the history and organization of the +school. + +About 1735, Justina Ditrichin (the wife of Siegemund, a distinguished +civil officer of Prussia) was afflicted with an internal disease which +baffled the skill of the midwives, who had pronounced her pregnant, and +none of whom could define her disorder. After many months of suffering, +she was visited by the wife of a poor soldier, who told her what ailed +her; in consequence of which, she was cured by her physicians. This +circumstance awakened in the mind of the lady an intense desire to study +midwifery; which she did, and afterwards practised it with such success, +that, in consequence of her extensive practice, she was obliged to confine +herself solely to irregular cases. She performed all kinds of operations +with masterly skill, and wrote the first book on the subject ever +published in Germany by a woman. She was sent for from all parts of +Germany, and was appointed body-physician of the Queen, and the ladies of +the court, of Prussia and Mark Brandenburg. Through her influence, schools +were established, in which women were instructed in the science and the +art of obstetrics. She also taught many herself; and a very successful and +respectable practice soon grew up among women. After her death, however, +this was discountenanced by the physicians, who brought it into such +disrepute by their ridicule, that the educated class of women withdrew +from the profession, leaving it in the hands of ignorant pretenders, who +continued to practise it until 1818; when public attention was called to +the subject, and strict laws were enacted, by which women were required to +call in a male practitioner in every irregular case of confinement, under +penalty of from one to twenty years of imprisonment, and the forfeiture of +the right to practise. These laws still continue in force; and a +remarkable case is recorded by Dr. Schmidt of a woman, who, feeling her +own competency to manage a case committed to her care, _did not_ send for +a male physician as the law required. Although it was fully proved that +she had done every thing that could have been done in the case, her +penalty was imprisonment for twenty years. Two other cases are quoted by +Dr. Schmidt, in which male practitioners were summoned before a legal +tribunal, and it was proved that they _had not_ done that which was +necessary; yet their penalty was no heavier than that inflicted on the +woman, who had done exactly what she ought. + +At this time (1818), it was also made illegal for any woman to practise +who had not been educated. This brought the profession again into repute +among women of the higher classes. A school for midwives, supported by +the government, was established in Berlin, in which women have since +continued to be educated for practice in this city and in other parts of +Prussia. Two midwives are elected each year, by a committee, from the +applicants, to be educated for practice in Berlin; and, as they have to +study two years, there are always four of these students in the school, +two graduating every year. The remainder of the students are from the +provincial districts. To be admitted to this school is considered a stroke +of good fortune; as there are generally more than a hundred applicants, +many of whom have to wait eight or ten years before they are elected. +There is, besides, a great deal of favoritism; those women being generally +chosen who are the widows or wives of civil officers or physicians; to +whom this chance of earning a livelihood is given, in order that they may +not become a burden on the government. Though educated apart from the male +students while studying the theory of midwifery, they attend the +accouchement-ward together, and receive clinical or practical instruction +in the same class, from the same professor. + +The male students of medicine are admitted to the university at the age of +eighteen; having first been required to go through a prescribed course of +collegiate study, and to pass the requisite examination. Here they attend +the lectures of various professors, often of four or five upon the same +subject, in order to learn how it is treated from different points of +view. Then, after having thus studied for a certain length of time, they +present themselves for an examination by the professors of the university, +which confers upon them the title of "M.D.," without the right to +practise. They are then obliged to prepare for what is called the State's +examination, before a Board of the most distinguished men in the +profession appointed to this place by the government: these also +constitute the medical court. Of this number, Dr. Schmidt was one. + +Dr. Schmidt approved my resolution, and expressed himself warmly in favor +of it. He also recommended to me a course of reading, to be commenced at +once, as a kind of preliminary education; and, although he had no +influence with the committee of the city government who examined and +elected the pupils, he promised to call upon some of them, and urge my +election. But, despite his recommendation and my father's position as +civil officer, I received a refusal, on the grounds that I was much too +young (being only eighteen), and that I was unmarried. The latter fault I +did not try to remove; the former I corrected daily; and, when I was +nineteen, I repeated my application, and received the same reply. During +this time, Dr. Schmidt became more and more interested in me personally. +He promised that he would do all in his power to have me chosen the next +year; while, during this time, he urged me to read and study as much as +possible, in order to become fully acquainted with the subject. As usual, +I continued to assist my mother in visiting her patients, and thus had a +fine opportunity for explaining to myself many things which the mere study +of books left in darkness. In fact, these years of preliminary practical +study were more valuable to me than all the lectures that I ever listened +to afterwards. Full of zeal and enthusiasm, and stimulated by a friend +whose position and personal acquirements inspired me with reverence and +devotion, I thought of nothing else than how to prepare myself in such a +way that I should not disappoint him nor those to whom he had commended +me. Dr. Schmidt was consumptive, and almost an invalid; often having to +lecture in a reclining position. The author of many valuable medical +works, and director of the largest hospital in Prussia (the Charité of +Berlin), he found a most valuable assistant in his wife,--one of the +noblest women that ever lived. She was always with him, except in the +lecture-room; and almost all of his works are said to have been written by +her from his dictation. This had inspired him with the highest possible +respect for women. He had the utmost faith in their powers when rightly +developed, and always declared their intellectual capacity to be the same +with that of men. This belief inspired him with the desire to give me an +education superior to that of the common midwives; and, at the same time, +to reform the school of midwives by giving to it a professor of its own +sex. To this position he had in his own mind already elected me; but, +before I could take it, I had to procure a legitimate election from the +city to the school as pupil; while, during my attendance he had to +convince the government of the necessity of such a reform, as well as to +bring over the medical profession: which was not so easily done; for many +men were waiting already for Dr. Schmidt's death in order to obtain this +very post, which was considered valuable. + +When I was twenty, I received my third refusal. Dr. Schmidt, whose health +was failing rapidly, had exerted himself greatly to secure my admission; +and the medical part of the committee had promised him that they would +give me their vote: but some theological influence was set to work to +elect one of the deaconesses in my stead, that she might be educated for +the post of superintendent of the lying-in ward of the hospital, which was +under Dr. Schmidt's care. She also was rejected, in order not to offend +Dr. Schmidt; but for this he would not thank them. No sooner had I carried +him the letter of refusal than he ordered his carriage, and, proceeding to +the royal palace, obtained an audience of the king; to whom he related the +refusal of the committee to elect me, on the ground that I was too young +and unmarried, and entreated of him a cabinet order which should compel +the city to admit me to the school; adding, that he saw no reason why +Germany, as well as France, should not have and be proud of a La Chapelle. +The king, who held Dr. Schmidt in high esteem, gave him at once the +desired order; and I became legally the student of my friend: though his +praise procured me intense vexation; for my name was dropped entirely, and +I was only spoken of as La Chapelle the Second; which would by no means +have been unpleasant had I earned the title; but to receive it sneeringly +in advance, before having been allowed to make my appearance publicly, was +indeed unbearable. + +On the third day after his visit to the king, Dr. Schmidt received me into +the class, and introduced me to it as his future assistant teacher. This +announcement was as surprising to me as to the class; but I took it +quietly, thinking that, if Dr. Schmidt did not consider me fit for the +place, he would not risk being attacked for it by the profession _en +masse_, by whom he was watched closely. + +On the same day, a little incident occurred which I must mention. In the +evening, instead of going alone to the class for practical instruction, I +accompanied Dr. Schmidt at his request. We entered the hall where his +assistant, the chief physician, had already commenced his instructions. +Dr. Schmidt introduced me to him as his private pupil, to whom he wished +him to give particular attention; ending by giving my name. The physician +hurriedly came up to me, and grasped my hand, exclaiming, "Why, this is my +little blind doctor!" I looked at him, and recognized the very Dr. Müller +with whom I used to make the rounds of the hospital when twelve years old, +and who had since risen to the position of chief physician. This +rencontre, and the interest that he manifested afterwards greatly +relieved Dr. Schmidt, who had feared that he would oppose me, instead of +giving me any special aid. During this winter's study, I spent the most of +the time in the hospital, being almost constantly at the side of Dr. +Schmidt. I certainly made the most of every opportunity; and I scarcely +believe it possible for any student to learn more in so short a time than +I did during this winter. I was continually busy; acting even as nurse, +whenever I could learn any thing by it. During the following summer, I was +obliged to reside wholly in the hospital; this being a part of the +prescribed education. Here I became acquainted with all the different +wards, and had a fine opportunity to watch the cases by myself. In the +mean time, Dr. Schmidt's illness increased so rapidly, that he feared to +die before his plans in respect to me had been carried out; especially as +the state of his health had compelled him to give up his position as Chief +Director of the Hospital Charité. His design was to make me chief +accoucheuse in the hospital, and to surrender into my hands his position +as professor in the School for Midwives, so that I might have the entire +charge of the midwives education. The opposition to this plan was +twofold: firstly, the theological influence that sought to place the +deaconess (Sister Catherine) in the position of house-midwife; and, +secondly, the younger part of the profession, many of whom were anxious +for the post of professor in the School for Midwives, which never would +have been suffered to fall into the hands of Sister Catherine. Dr. +Schmidt, however, was determined to yield to neither. Personal pride +demanded that he should succeed in his plan; and several of the older and +more influential members of the profession took his part, among whom were +Johannes Müller, Busch, Müller, Kilian, &c. During the second winter, his +lecturing in the class was only nominal; often nothing more than naming +the heads of the subjects, while I had to give the real instruction. His +idea was to make me feel the full responsibility of such a position, and, +at the same time, to give me a chance to do the work that he had declared +me pre-eminently capable of doing. This was an intrigue; but he could not +have it otherwise. He did not intend that I should perform his duty for +his benefit, but for my own. He wished to show to the government the fact +that I had done the work of a man like himself, and done it well; and +that, if he had not told them of his withdrawal, no one would have +recognized his absence from the result. + +At the close of this term, I was obliged to pass my examination at the +same time with the fifty-six students who composed the class. Dr. Schmidt +invited some of the most prominent medical men to be present, besides +those appointed as the examining committee. He informed me of this on the +day before the examination, saying, "I want to convince them that you can +do better than half of the young men at _their_ examination." + +The excitement of this day I can hardly describe. I had not only to appear +before a body of strangers, of whose manner of questioning I had no idea, +but also before half a dozen authorities in the profession, assembled +especially for criticism. Picture to yourself my position: standing before +the table at which were seated the three physicians composing the +examining committee, questioning me all the while in the most perplexing +manner, with four more of the highest standing on each side,--making +eleven in all; Dr. Schmidt a little way off, anxious that I should prove +true all that he had said in praise of me; and the rest of the class in +the background, filling up the large hall. It was terrible. The trifling +honor of being considered capable was rather dearly purchased. I went +through the whole hour bravely, without missing a single question; until +finally the clock struck twelve, when every thing suddenly grew black +before my eyes, and the last question sounded like a humming noise in my +ear. I answered it--how I know not,--and was permitted to sit down and +rest for fifteen minutes before I was called to the practical examination +on the manikin. I gave satisfaction to all, and received the diploma of +the first degree. This by no means ended the excitement. The students of +the year were next examined. This examination continued for a week; after +which the diplomas were announced, when it was found that never before had +there been so many of the first degree, and so few of the third. Dr. +Schmidt then made it known that this was the result of my exertions, and I +was pronounced _a very capable woman_. + +This acknowledgment having been made by the medical men present at the +examination, Dr. Schmidt thought it would be an easy matter to get me +installed into the position for which I had proved myself capable. But +such could not be the case in a government ruled by hypocrisy and +intrigue. To acknowledge the capability of a woman did not by any means +say that she was at liberty to hold a position in which she could exercise +this capability. German men are educated to be slaves to the government: +positive freedom is comprehended only by a few. They generally struggle +for a kind of negative freedom; namely, for themselves: for each man, +however much he may be inclined to show his subserviency to those superior +in rank, thinks himself the lord of creation; and, of course, regards +woman only as his appendage. How can this lord of creation, being a slave +himself, look upon the _free development_ and _demand of recognition_ of +his appendage otherwise than as a nonsense, or usurpation of his exclusive +rights? And among these lords of creation I heartily dislike that class +which not only yield to the influence brought upon them by government, but +who also possess an infinite amount of narrowness and vanity, united to as +infinite servility to money and position. There is not ink and paper +enough in all the world to write down the contempt I feel for men in whose +power it is to be free in thought and noble in action, and who act to the +contrary to feed their ambition or their purses. I have learned, perhaps, +too much of their spirit for my own good. + +You can hardly believe what I experienced, in respect to intrigue, within +the few months following my examination. All the members of the medical +profession were unwilling that a woman should take her place on a level +with them. All the diplomatists became fearful that Dr. Schmidt intended +to advocate the question of "woman's rights;" one of them exclaiming one +evening, in the heat of discussion, "For Heaven's sake! the Berlin women +are already wiser than all the men of Prussia: what will become of us if +we allow them to manifest it?" I was almost forgotten in the five months +during which the question was debated: it became more than a matter of +personal intrigue. The real question at stake was, "How shall women be +educated, and what is their true sphere?" and this was discussed with more +energy and spirit than ever has been done here in America. + +Scores of letters were written by Dr. Schmidt to convince the government +that a woman could really be competent to hold the position in question, +and that I had been pronounced so by the whole Faculty. The next objection +raised was that my father was known as holding revolutionary principles; +and to conquer this, cost a long discussion, with many interviews of the +officials with my father and Dr. Schmidt. The next thing urged was that I +was much _too young_; that it would be necessary, in the course of my +duties, to instruct the young men also; and that there was danger in our +thus being thrown together. In fact, this reason, read to me by Dr. +Schmidt from one of the letters written at this time (all of which are +still carefully preserved), runs thus: "To give this position to Miss M. +E. Zakrzewska is dangerous. She is a prepossessing young lady; and, from +coming in contact with so many gentlemen, must necessarily fall in love +with some one of them, and thus end her career." To this I have only to +reply, that I am sorry that I could not have found _one_ among them that +could have made me follow the suggestion. This objection however, seemed +for a while the most difficult to be met: for it was well known, that, +when a student myself, I had stood on the most friendly terms with my +fellow-students, and that they had often taken my part in little +disturbances that naturally came up in an establishment where no one was +permitted to enter or to leave without giving a reason, and where even my +private patients were sent away at the door because I did not know of +their coming, and could not announce to the doorkeeper the name and +residence of those who might possibly call. + +That this difficulty was finally conquered, I have to thank the students +themselves. My relation with these young men was of the pleasantest kind. +They never seemed to think that I was not of their sex, but always treated +me like one of themselves. I knew of their studies and their amusements; +yes, even, of the mischievous pranks that they were planning both for +college and for social life. They often made me their confidante in their +private affairs, and were more anxious for my approval or forgiveness than +for that of their relatives. I learned, during this time, how great is the +friendly influence of a woman even upon fast-living and licentious young +men; and this has done more to convince me of the necessity that the two +sexes should live together from infancy, than all the theories and +arguments that are brought to convince the mass of this fact. As soon as +it became known among the students that my youth was the new objection, +they treated it in such a manner that the whole thing was transformed into +a ridiculous bugbear, growing out of the imagination of the _virtuous_ +opposers. + +Nothing now seemed left in the way of my attaining to the position; when +suddenly it dawned upon the mind of some that I was irreligious; that +neither my father nor my mother attended church; and that, under such +circumstances, I could not, of course, be a church-goer. Fortunately, I +had complied with the requirements of the law, and could therefore bring +my certificate of confirmation from one of the Protestant churches. By the +advice of Dr. Schmidt, I commenced to attend church regularly, and +continued until a little incident happened which I must relate here. One +Sunday, just after the sermon was over, I remembered that I had forgotten +to give instructions to the nurse in respect to a patient, and left the +church without waiting for the end of the service. The next morning, I was +summoned to answer to the charge of leaving the church at an improper +time. The inquisitor (who was one of those who had accused me of +irreligion), being vexed that I contradicted him by going to church +regularly, was anxious to make me confess that I did not care for the +service: but I saw through his policy as well as his hypocrisy, and simply +told him the truth; namely, that I had forgotten important business, and +therefore thought it excusable to leave as soon as the sermon was over. +Whether he sought to lure me on to further avowals, I know not: but, +whatever was his motive, he asked me, in reply, whether I believed that +he cared for the humdrum custom of church-going and whether I thought him +imbecile enough to consider this as any thing more than the means by which +to keep the masses in check; adding, that it was the duty of the +intelligent to make the affair respectable by setting the example of going +themselves; and that he only wished me to act on this principle, when all +accusations of irreligion would fall to the ground. I had always known +that this man was not my friend: but, when I heard this, I felt +disenchanted with the whole world; for I had never thought him more than a +hypocrite, whereas I found him the meanest of Jesuits, both in theory and +practice. I was thoroughly indignant; the more so, since I felt guilty +myself in going to church simply to please Dr. Schmidt. I do not remember +what answer I gave; but I know that my manners and words made it evident +that I considered him a villain. He never forgave me this, as all his +future acts proved to me: for, in his position of chief director of the +hospital, he had it in his power, more than any one else, to annoy me; and +that he did so, you will presently see. + +The constant opposition and attendant excitement together with the +annoyances which my father, as civil officer, had to endure, made him +resolve to present a declaration to the government, that I should never, +with his consent, enter the position. He had become so tired of my efforts +to become a public character in my profession, that he suddenly conceived +the wish to have me married Now, take for a moment into consideration the +facts that I was but twenty-two years of age, full of sanguine enthusiasm +for my vocation, and strong in the friendship of Dr. Schmidt. He had +inspired me with the idea of a career different from the common routine of +domestic life. My mother, overcoming her repugnance to my entering my +profession, had been my best friend, encouraging me steadily; while my +father, yielding to the troubles that it involved, had become disgusted +with it, and wished me to abandon my career. He was stern, and would not +take back his word. I could do nothing without his consent; while Dr. +Schmidt had finally overcome all difficulties, and had the prospect of +victory if my father would but yield. A few weeks of this life were +sufficient to drive one mad, and I am sure that I was near becoming so. I +was resolved to run away from home or to kill myself while my father was +equally resolved to marry me to a man of whom I did not know the sight. +Matters finally came to a crisis through the illness of Dr. Schmidt, +whose health failed so rapidly, that it was thought dangerous to let him +be longer excited by the fear of not realizing his favorite scheme. Some +of his medical advisers influenced the government to appeal to my father +to withdraw his declaration; which, satisfied with the honor thus done +him, he did on the 1st of May, 1852. On the 15th of May, I received my +legal instalment to the position for which Dr. Schmidt had designed me. +The joy that I felt was great beyond expression. A youthful enthusiast of +twenty-two, I stood at the height of my wishes and expectations. I had +obtained what others only could obtain after the protracted labor of half +a lifetime; and already I saw myself in imagination occupying the place of +Dr. Schmidt's aspirations,--that of a German La Chapelle. No one, that has +not passed at the same age through the same excitement, can ever +comprehend the fulness of my rejoicing, which was not wholly selfish; for +I knew that nothing in the world would please Dr. Schmidt so much as this +victory. The wildest joy of an accepted suitor is a farce compared to my +feelings on the morning of that 15th of May. I was reconciled to my +bitterest opponents: I could even have thanked them for their opposition, +since it had made the success so much the sweeter. Not the slightest +feeling of triumph was in my heart; all was happiness and rejoicing: and +it was in this condition of mind and heart that I put on my bonnet and +shawl to carry the good news to Dr. Schmidt. Without waiting to be +announced, I hastened to his parlor, where I found him sitting with his +wife upon the sofa. I did not walk, but flew, towards them, and threw the +letter upon the table, exclaiming "There is the victory!" Like a +conflagration my joy spread to Dr. Schmidt as well as to his wife, who +thought that she saw in these tidings a cup of new life for her husband. I +only staid long enough to accept their congratulations. Dr. Schmidt told +me to be sure to come the next morning to enter legally upon my duties at +his side. Meanwhile, he gave me a vacation for the afternoon to see my +friends and carry them the news. He saw that I needed the open air, and +felt that he, too, must have it to counteract his joy. I went to tell my +father and several friends, and spent the day in blissful ignorance of the +dreadful event that was transpiring. + +The next morning, at seven o'clock, I left home to go to my residence in +the hospital. I had not slept during the night: the youthful fire of +enthusiasm burnt too violently to allow me any rest. The old doorkeeper +opened the door for me, and gazed at me with an air of surprise. "What is +the matter?" I asked. "I am astonished to see you so cheerful," said he. +"Why?" I asked with astonishment. "Don't you know that Dr. Schmidt is +dead?" was the answer. Dr. Schmidt dead! I trembled; I staggered; I fell +upon a chair. The beautiful entrance-hall, serving also as a greenhouse +during the winter, filled in every place with flowers and tropical fruit, +faded from my eyes; and in its stead I saw nothing but laughing faces, +distorted with scorn and mockery. A flood of tears cooled the heat of my +brain, and a calmness like that of death soon took possession of me. I had +fallen from the topmost height of joy and happiness to the profoundest +depth of disappointment and despair. If there were nothing else to prove +the strength of my mind, the endurance of this sudden change would be +sufficient. + +I went at once to Dr. Schmidt's residence in the Hospital Park, where I +met him again, not as I had expected an hour before, ready to go with me +to the hospital-department which I was henceforth to superintend, but a +corpse. After I had left the day before, he had expressed a wish to go +into the open air, he being not much less excited than myself. Mrs. +Schmidt ordered the carriage, and they drove to the large park. He talked +constantly and excitedly about the satisfaction that he felt in this +success, until they arrived; when he wished to get out of the carriage, +and walk with his wife. Mrs. Schmidt consented; but they had scarcely +taken a few steps when he sank to the ground, and a gush of blood from his +mouth terminated his existence. + +I left Dr. Schmidt's house, and entered alone into the wards, where I felt +that I was without friendly encouragement and support. During the three +days that intervened before the burial of Dr. Schmidt, I was hardly +conscious of any thing, but moved about mechanically like an automaton. +The next few days were days of confusion; for the death of Dr. Schmidt had +left so many places vacant that some fifty persons were struggling to +obtain some one of his offices. The eagerness, servility, and meanness +which these educated men displayed in striving to conquer their rivals was +more than disgusting. The serpents that lie in wait for their prey are +endurable; for we know that it is their nature to be cunning and +relentless: but to see men of intellect and education sly and snaky, +ferocious, yet servile to the utmost, makes one almost believe in total +depravity. The most of these men got what they deserved; namely, nothing: +the places were filled temporarily with others, and every thing went on +apparently as before. My position soon became very disagreeable. I had +received my instalment, not because I was wanted by the directors of the +hospital, but because they had been commanded by the government to accept +me in the hope of thus prolonging the life of Dr. Schmidt. Young and +inexperienced in petty intrigue, I had now to work without friendly +encouragement and appreciation, with no one about me in whom I had a +special interest; while every one was regretting that the instalment had +been given me before Dr. Schmidt's death, which might have happened just +as well from some other excitement, in an establishment where three +thousand people were constantly at war about each other's affairs. I +surveyed the whole arena, and saw very well, that, unless I practised +meanness and dishonesty as well as the rest, I could not remain there for +any length of time; for scores were ready to calumniate me whenever there +was the least thing to be gained by it. + +I was about to commence a new period of life. I had a solid structure as +a foundation; but the superstructure had been built up in so short a time, +that a change of wind would suffice to cast it down. I resolved, +therefore, to tear it down myself, and to begin to build another upon the +carefully laid basis; and only waited for an opportunity to manifest my +intention. This opportunity soon presented itself. Sister Catherine, the +deaconess of whom I have spoken, who had been allowed to attend the School +of Midwives after my election, through the influence of her theological +friends upon Dr. Schmidt (the city magistrates having refused her because +I was already the third accepted pupil), had as yet no position: and these +friends now sought to make her the second _accoucheuse_; I having the +first position, with the additional title of Chief. This she would not +accept. She, the experienced deaconess, who had been a Florence +Nightingale in the typhus epidemic of Silesia, was unwilling to be under +the supervision of a woman who had nothing to show but a thorough +education, and who was, besides, eight years younger than herself. Her +refusal made my enemies still more hostile. Why they were so anxious for +her services, I can only explain by supposing that the directors of the +hospital wished to annoy Pastor Fliedner, the originator of the +Kaiserswerth Sisterhood; for, in placing Sister Catherine in this +position, they robbed him of one of the very best nurses that he ever had +in his institution. + +My desire to reconcile the government of the hospital, in order that I +might have peace in my position to pursue my development and education so +as to realize and manifest to the people the truth of what Dr. Schmidt had +affirmed of me, induced me to go to one of the directors, and propose that +Sister Catherine should be installed on equal terms with me; offering to +drop the title of Chief, and to consent that the department should be +divided into two. My proposition was accepted nominally, and Sister +Catherine was installed, but with a third less salary than I received; +while I had to give the daily reports, &c., and to take the chief +responsibility of the whole. Catherine was quite friendly to me; and I was +happy in the thought that there was now one at least who would stand by +me, should any difficulties occur. How much I was mistaken in the human +heart! This pious, sedate woman, towards whom my heart yearned with +friendship, was my greatest enemy; though I did not know it until after my +arrival in America. + +A few weeks afterwards, the city petitioned to have a number of women +instructed in the practice of midwifery. These women were all experienced +nurses, who had taken the liberty to practise this art to a greater or +less extent from what they had learned of it while nursing; and, to put an +end to this unlawful practice, they had been summoned before an examining +committee, and the youngest and best educated chosen to be instructed as +the law required. Dr. Müller, the pathologist, was appointed to +superintend the theoretical, and Dr. Ebert the practical, instruction. Dr. +Müller, who never had given this kind of instruction before, and who was a +special friend of mine, immediately surrendered the whole into my hands; +while Dr. Ebert, whose time was almost wholly absorbed in the department +of the diseases of children, appointed me as his assistant. Both gentlemen +gave me certificates of this when I determined to emigrate to America. + +The marked preference for my wards that had always been shown by the male +students was shared by these women when they came. Sister Catherine was +neither ambitious nor envious; yet she felt that she was the second in +place. Drs. Müller and Ebert never addressed themselves to her; neither +did they impress the nurses and the servants with the idea that she was +any thing more than the head-nurse. All these things together made her a +spy; and, though nothing happened for which I could be reproved, all that +I said and did was watched and secretly reported. Under a despotic +government, the spy is as necessary as the corporal. The annoyance of this +reporting is, that the secrecy exists only for the one whom it concerns; +while the subaltern officers and servants receive hints that such a person +is kept under constant surveillance. When it was found that no occasion +offered to find fault with me, our administrative inspector was removed, +and a surly old corporal put in his place, with the hint that the +government of the hospital thought that the former inspector did not +perform his duty rightly, since he never reported disturbance in a ward +that had been notorious as being the most disorderly in former times. The +truth was, that, in my innocence of heart, I had been striving to gain the +respect and friendship of my enemies by doing my work better than any +before me had done. To go to bed at night regularly was a thing unknown to +me. Once I was not undressed for twenty-one days and nights; +superintending and giving instructions on six or eight confinement cases +in every twenty-four hours; lecturing three hours every afternoon to the +class of midwives; giving clinical lectures to them twice a week, for an +hour in the morning; superintending the care of some twenty infants, who +were epidemically attacked with purulent ophthalmia; and having, besides, +the general supervision of the whole department. But all this could not +overcome the hostility of my enemies, the chief cause of which lay in the +mortification at having been vanquished by my appointment. On the other +hand, I was happy in the thought that Mrs. Schmidt continued to take the +same interest in me as before, and was glad to hear of my partial success. +The students, both male and female, were devoted to me, and manifested +their gratitude openly and frankly. This was the greatest compensation +that I received for my work. The women wished to show their appreciation +by paying me for the extra labor that I performed in their instruction; +not knowing the fact, that I did it simply in order that they might pass +an examination which should again convince the committee that I was in the +right place. I forbade them all payment, as I had refused it to the male +students when they wished to pay me for their extra instruction on the +manikin: but in a true, womanly way, they managed to learn the date of +my birthday; when two or three, instead of attending the lecture, took +possession of my room, which they decorated with flowers; while en the +table they displayed presents to the amount of some hundred and twenty +dollars, which the fifty-six women of the class had collected among +themselves. This was, of course, a great surprise to me, and really made +me feel sad; for I did not wish for things of this sort. I wished to prove +that unselfishness was the real motive of my work; and thought that I +should finally earn the crown of appreciation from my enemies, for which I +was striving. This gift crossed all my plans. I must accept it, if I would +not wound the kindest of hearts; yet I felt that I lost my game by so +doing. I quietly packed every thing into a basket, and put it out of sight +under the bed, in order that I might not be reminded of my loss. Of +course, all these things were at once reported. I saw in the faces of many +that something was in agitation, and waited a fortnight in constant +expectation of its coming. But these people wished to crush me entirely. +They knew well that a blow comes hardest when least expected, and +therefore kept quiet week after week, until I really began to ask their +pardon in my heart for having done them the wrong to expect them to act +meanly about a thing that was natural and allowable. In a word, I became +quiet and happy again in the performance of my duties; until suddenly six +weeks after my birthday, I was summoned to the presence of Director Horn +(the same who had reprimanded me for leaving the church), who received me +with a face as hard and stern as an avenging judge, and asked me whether I +knew that it was against the law to receive any other payment than that +given me by the hospital. Upon my avowing that I did, he went on to ask +how it was, then, that I had accepted gifts on my birthday. This question +fell upon me like a thunderbolt; for I never had thought of looking upon +these as a payment. Had these women paid me for the instruction that I +gave them beyond that which was prescribed, they ought each one to have +given me the value of the presents. I told him this in reply, and also how +disagreeable the acceptance had been to me, and how ready I was to return +the whole at his command; since it had been my desire to prove, not only +my capability, but my unselfishness in the work. The man was ashamed; I +saw it in his face as he turned it away from me: yet he saw in me a proof +that he had been vanquished in intrigue, and was resolved that the +occasion should end in my overthrow. Much more was said about the +presents and their significance; and I soon ceased to be the humble woman, +and spoke boldly what I thought, in defiance of his authority, as I had +done at the time of the religious conversation (by the way, I never +attended church again after that interview.) The end was, that I declared +my readiness to leave the hospital. He wished to inflict direct punishment +on me; and forbade me to be present at the examination of the class, which +was to take place the next day. This was really a hard penalty, to which +he was forced for his own sake; for, if I had been present, I should have +told the whole affair to men of a nobler stamp, who would have opposed, as +they afterwards did, my leaving a place which I filled to their entire +satisfaction. + +I made my preparations to leave the hospital on the 15th of November. What +was I to do? I was not made to practise quietly, as is commonly done: my +education and aspirations demanded more than this. For the time, I could +do nothing more than inform my patients that I intended to practise +independently. My father again wished that I should marry; and I began to +ask myself, whether marriage is an institution to relieve parents from +embarrassment. When troubled about the future of a son, parents are ready +to give him to the army; when in fears of the destiny of a daughter, they +induce her to become the slave of the marriage bond. I never doubted that +it was more unendurable and unworthy to be a wife without love, than a +soldier without a special calling for that profession; and I never could +think of marriage as the means to procure a shelter and bread. + +I had so many schemes in my head, that I would not listen to his words. +Among these was especially the wish to emigrate to America. The +Pennsylvania Female Medical College had sent its first Report to Dr. +Schmidt, who had informed me of it as well as his colleagues, and had +advocated the justice of such a reform. This fact occurred to my memory; +and, for the next two months, I did nothing but speculate how to carry out +my design of emigration. I had lived rather expensively and lavishly, +without thinking of laying up any money; and my whole fortune, when I left +the Charité, consisted of sixty dollars. + +One thing happened in connection with my leaving the hospital, which I +must relate here. Director Horn was required to justify his conduct to +the minister to whom the change had to be reported; and a committee was +appointed to hear the accusation and pass judgment upon the affair. As +this was done in secrecy and not before a jury, and as the accuser was a +man of high rank, I knew nothing of it until Christmas Eve, when I +received a document stating that, _as a gratification for my services for +the benefit of the city of Berlin_ in instructing the class of midwives, a +compensation was decreed me of fifty dollars. This was a large sum for +Berlin, such as was only given on rare occasions. I was also informed that +Director Horn was instructed to give me, should I ever demand it, a +first-class certificate of what my position had been in the hospital with +the title of Chief attached. Whatever I had suffered from the injustice of +my enemies, I was now fully recompensed. I inquired who had taken my part +so earnestly against Director Horn as to gain this action, and found that +it was Dr. Müller the pathologist, backed by several other physicians. +Director Horn, it was said, was greatly humiliated by the decision of +Minister von Raumer, who could not see the least justice in his conduct in +this matter; and, had I not left the hospital so readily, I should never +have stood so firmly as after this secret trial. + +It was done, however; and I confidently told my mother of my design to +emigrate. Between my mother and myself there existed, not merely the +strongest relation of maternal and filial love, but also a professional +sympathy and peculiar friendship, which was the result of two similar +minds and hearts, and which made me stand even nearer to her than as a +child I could possibly have done. She consented with heart and soul, +encouraged me in all my plans and expectations, and asked me at once at +what time I would leave. I next told my father and the rest of the family +of my plan. My third sister (Anna), a beautiful, joyous young girl, +exclaimed, "And I will go with you!" My father, who would not listen to my +going alone, at once consented to our going together. But I thought +differently In going alone, I risked only my own happiness: in going with +her, I risked hers too; while I should be constantly restricted in my +adventurous undertaking from having her with me, who knew nothing of the +world save the happiness of a tranquil family life. The next day, I told +them that I had changed my mind, and should not go away, but should +establish myself in Berlin. Of course, I received a torrent of gibes on my +fickleness; for they did not understand my feelings in respect to the +responsibility that I feared to take for my younger sister. + +I began to establish myself in practice. Mrs. Schmidt, who was anxious to +assist me in my new career, suggested to those physicians who were my +friends the establishment of a private hospital, which should be under my +care. She found them strongly in favor of the plan; and, had I not been +constantly speculating about leaving for America, this scheme would have +been realized. But I had resolved to emigrate, and took my measures +accordingly. I went secretly to Drs. Müller and Ebert, and procured +certificates from them attesting my position in respect to them in the +hospital. I then obtained the certificate from Director Horn, and carried +them all to the American Chargé d'Affaires (Theodore S. Fay) to have them +legalized in English, so that they could be of service to me in +America.[2] + +When I told Drs. Ebert and Müller and Mrs. Schmidt of my intention to +emigrate, they pronounced me insane. They thought that I had the best +field of activity open in Berlin, and could not comprehend why I should +seek greater freedom of person and of action. Little really is known in +Berlin about America, and to go there is considered as great an +undertaking as to seek the river Styx in order to go to Hades. The remark +that I heard from almost every quarter was, "What! you wish to go to the +land of barbarism, where they have negro slavery, and where they do not +know how to appreciate talent and genius?" But this could not prevent me +from realizing my plans. I had idealized the freedom of America, and +especially the reform of the position of women, to such an extent, that I +would not listen to their arguments. After having been several years in +America, very probably I would think twice before undertaking again to +emigrate; for even the idealized freedom has lost a great deal of its +charm, when I consider how much better it could be. + +Having put every thing in order, I told my father of my conclusion to +leave. He was surprised to hear of it the second time: but I showed him my +papers in readiness for the journey, and declared that I should go as soon +as the ship was ready to sail; having a hundred dollars,--just money +enough to pay my passage. He would not give his consent, unless my sister +Anna accompanied me; thinking her, I suppose, a counterpoise to any rash +undertakings in which I might engage in a foreign land. If I wished to go, +I was, therefore, forced to have her company; of which I should have been +very glad, had I not feared the moral care and responsibility. We decided +to go in a fortnight. My father paid her passage, and gave her a hundred +dollars in cash,--just enough to enable us to spend a short time in New +York: after which he expected either to send us more money, or that we +would return; and, in case we did this, an agreement was made with the +shipping-merchant that payment should be made on our arrival in Hamburg. + +On the 13th of March, 1853, we left the paternal roof, to which we should +never return. My mother bade us adieu with tears in her eyes; saying, "_Au +revoir_ in America!" She was determined to follow us. + +Dear Mary, here ends my Berlin and European life; and I can assure you +that this was the hardest moment I ever knew. Upon my memory is for ever +imprinted the street, the house, the window behind which my mother stood +waving her handkerchief. Not a tear did I suffer to mount to my eyes, in +order to make her believe that the departure was an easy one; but a heart +beating convulsively within punished me for the restraint. + +My father and brothers accompanied us to the _dépôt_, where the cars +received us for Hamburg. On our arrival there, we found that the ice had +not left the Elbe, and that the ships could not sail until the river was +entirely free. We were forced to remain three weeks in Hamburg. We had +taken staterooms in the clipper ship "Deutschland." Besides ourselves, +there were sixteen passengers in the first cabin; people good enough in +their way, but not sufficiently attractive to induce us to make their +acquaintance. We observed a dead silence as to who we were, where we were +going, or what was the motive of our emigrating to America. The only +person that we ever spoke to was a Mr. R. from Hamburg, a youth of +nineteen, who, like ourselves, had left a happy home in order to try his +strength in a strange land. The voyage was of forty-seven days' duration; +excessively stormy, but otherwise very dull, like all voyages of this +kind; and, had it not been for the expectations that filled our hearts, we +should have died of _ennui_. As it was, the days passed slowly, made worse +by the inevitable sea-sickness of our fellow-passengers; and we longed for +the hour that should bring us in sight of the shores of the New World. And +now commences _my life in America_. + +"Dear Marie, best Marie! make haste to come upon deck to see America! Oh, +how pleasant it is to see the green trees again! How brightly the sun is +gilding the land you are seeking,--the land of freedom!" With such +childlike exclamations of delight, my sister Anna burst into my cabin to +hasten my appearance on deck on the morning of the 22d of May, 1853. The +beautiful child of nineteen summers was only conscious of a heart +overflowing with pleasure at the sight of the charming landscape that +opened before her eyes after a tedious voyage of forty-seven days upon the +ocean. We had reached the quarantine at Staten Island. The captain, the +old pilot, every one, gazed at her as she danced joyously about the deck, +with a mingled feeling of sadness and curiosity; for our reserve while on +shipboard had surrounded us with a sort of mystery which none knew how to +unravel. + +As soon as I had dressed for going on shore, and had packed up the things +that we had used on our voyage, in order that they might not be stolen +during this time of excitement, I obeyed the last call of my impatient +sister to come at least to see the last rays of sunrise; and went on deck, +where I was at once riveted by the beautiful scene that was spread before +my eyes. The green, sloping lawns, with which the white cottages formed +such a cheerful contrast; the trees, clad in their first foliage, and +suggesting hope by their smiling blossoms; the placid cows, feeding +quietly in the fields; the domestic chickens, just visible in the +distance; and the friendly barking of a dog,--all seemed to greet me with +a first welcome to the shores of this strange country: while the sun, +shining brightly from a slightly clouded sky, mellowed the whole +landscape, and so deeply impressed my soul, that tears sprang to my eyes, +and a feeling rose in my heart that I can call nothing else than +devotional; for it bowed my knees beneath me, and forced sounds from my +lips that I could not translate into words, for they were mysterious to +myself. A stranger in a strange, wide land, not knowing its habits and +customs, not understanding its people, not yet understanding its workings +and aims, my mind was not clouded with loneliness. I was happy. Had it not +been my own wish that had made me leave the home of a kind father, and of +a mother beloved beyond all earthly beings? I had succeeded in safely +reaching the shores of America. Life was again open before me. With these +thoughts, I turned from the beautiful landscape; and finding the captain, +a noble-hearted sailor, inquired of him how long it would take us to reach +the port of New York. "That is New York," said he, pointing to a dark mass +of buildings, with here and there a spire towering in the air. "We shall +reach there about eight o'clock; but it is Sunday, and you will have to +stay on board till to-morrow." With this he turned away, calling his men +to weigh anchor; as the physician, whose duty it was to inspect the cargo +of men, like cattle, had just left in his boat. On we went, my sister +still dancing and singing for joy; and Mr. R. and myself sitting somewhat +apart,--he looking dedespondently into the water, I with my head firmly +raised in the air, happy in heart, but thoughtful in mind, and trusting in +my inward strength for the future. + +I took my breakfast on deck. No one seemed to have any appetite; and I +felt somewhat reproved when I heard some one near me say, "She seems to +have neither head nor heart: see how tranquilly she can eat at such a time +as this!" These words were spoken by one of the cabin-passengers,--a young +man, who was exceedingly curious to know why I was going to America, and +had several times tried to make the rest of the passengers believe that it +must be in consequence of an unhappy love. The poor simpleton! he thought +that women could only enter into life through the tragedy of a broken +heart. + +A bell sounded. We were opposite Trinity Church, which had just struck +eight. On my right lay an enormous collection of bricks (houses I could +not call them; for, seen from the ship, they resembled only a pile of +ruins); on my left, the romantic shore of New Jersey. But the admiration +with which I had gazed upon Staten Island was gone as I stood before this +beautiful scene; the appreciation of Nature was mastered by another +feeling,--a feeling of activity that had become my ideal. I had come here +for a purpose,--to carry out the plan which a despotic government and its +servile agents had prevented me from doing in my native city. I had to +show to those men who had opposed me so strongly because I was a woman, +that in this land of liberty, equality, and fraternity, I could maintain +that position which they would not permit to me at home. My talents were +in an unusual direction. I was a physician; and, as such, had for years +moved in the most select circles of Berlin. Even my enemies had been +forced to give me the highest testimonials: and these were the only +treasure that I brought to this country; for I had given my last dollar to +the sailor who brought me the first news that land was in sight. + +I looked again upon New York, but with a feeling that a great mystery was +lying before my eyes,--a feeling that was confirmed by the men, who came +off to the ship in small boats, speaking a language that seemed like a +chaos of sounds. As I turned, I saw my sister coming slowly up from the +cabin with a changed air; and I asked her with surprise what was the +matter. "O Marie!" said she, "most of the passengers are called for. Mr. +R.'s brother has just come to take him on shore. He was so glad to see +him (for he thought he was in New Orleans), that I think he will forget to +say good-by. I am afraid that we shall have to stay here all alone, +and"--"Are the Misses Zakrzewska on board?" called a voice from a little +boat by the side of the ship. We looked down in surprise, but did not +recognize the man, who spoke as if he were an acquaintance. The captain +answered "Yes." Upon which the same voice said, "Mr. G. requests them to +wait: he will be here in a moment." + +This announcement surprised us the more that it came from a totally +unexpected quarter. An acquaintance of ours, who had emigrated to New York +a few years before, and had shortly after married a Mr. G., had heard from +her brother in Berlin of our departure for America in the ship +"Deutschland;" and these good people, thinking that they could be of use +to us in a new country, had been watching for its arrival. No one on board +dared ask a question as to who our friends were, so reserved had we been +in regard to our plans: only the young man who had accused me of having +neither head nor heart said, half aside, "Ah, ha! now we know the reason +why Miss Marie ate her breakfast so calmly, while her sister danced for +joy. They had beaux who were expecting them." "Simpleton!" thought I: +"must women always have beaux in order to be calm about the future?" + +Mr. G. came on board in a few minutes, bringing us from his wife an +invitation of welcome to her house. I cannot express in words the emotion +awakened in my heart by the really unselfish kindness that had impelled +these people to greet us in this manner; and this was increased when we +reached their very modest dwelling, consisting of a large shop in which +Mr. G. carried on his business of manufacturing fringes and tassels, one +sitting-room, a bedroom, and a small kitchen. My strength left me, and my +composure dissolved in a flood of tears. The good people did all that they +could to make us feel at home, and insisted that we should occupy the +sitting-room until we had decided what further to do. Of course, I +determined that this should be for as short a time as possible, and that +we would immediately look out for other lodgings. + +One-half of this first day was spent in talking about home; the other, in +making an excursion to Hoboken. This visit we would gladly have dispensed +with, so exhausted were we by the excitement that we had passed through +since sunrise; but our friends were bent on entertaining us with stories +and sights of the New World, and we followed them rather reluctantly. I +have since been glad that I did so; for my mind was in a state that +rendered it far more impressible than usual, and therefore better fitted +to observe much that would have been lost to me in a less-excited +condition. Here I first saw the type of common German life on Sunday in +America; and I saw enough of it on that one Sunday afternoon to last a +whole lifetime. My friends called on several of their acquaintances. +Everywhere that we went, I noticed two peculiarities,--comparative poverty +in the surroundings, and apparent extravagance in the manner of living: +for in every house we found an abundance of wine, beer, cake, meat, salad, +&c., although it was between the hours of meals; and every one was eating, +although no one seemed hungry. At nine o'clock in the evening, the visit +was concluded by going to a hotel, where a rich supper was served up to +us; and at eleven at night we returned home. My work in America had +already commenced. Was it not necessary for a stranger in a new country to +observe life in all its phases, before entering upon it? It seemed so to +me; and I had already planned, while on ship-board, to spend the first +month in observations of this kind. I had made a fair beginning; and, when +I saw many repetitions of this kind of life among my countrymen, I feared +that this was their main purpose in this country, and their consolation +for the loss of the entertainments and recreations which their fatherland +offered to them. But, as soon as I got opportunity to make my observations +among the educated classes I found my fear ungrounded; and I also found +that the Americans had noticed the impulse for progress and higher +development which animated these Germans. The German mind, so much honored +in Europe for its scientific capacity, for its consistency regarding +principles, and its correct criticism, is not dead here: but it has to +struggle against difficulties too numerous to be detailed here; and +therefore it is that the Americans don't know of its existence, and the +chief obstacle is their different languages. A Humboldt must remain +unknown here, unless he chooses to Americanize himself in every respect; +and could he do this without ceasing to be Humboldt the cosmopolitan +genius? + +It would be a great benefit to the development of this country if the +German language was made a branch of education, and not an accomplishment +simply. Only then would the Americans appreciate how much has been done by +the Germans to advance higher development, and to diffuse the true +principles of freedom. It would serve both parties to learn how much the +Germans aid in developing the reason, and supporting progress in every +direction. The revolution of 1848 has been more serviceable to America +than to Germany; for it has caused the emigration of thousands of men who +would have been the pride of a free Germany. America has received the +German freemen, whilst Germany has retained the _subjects_. + +The next morning, I determined to return to the ship to look after my +baggage. As Mr. and Mrs. G. were busy in their shop, there was no one to +accompany me: I therefore had either to wait until they were at leisure, +or to go alone. I chose the latter, and took my first walk in the city of +New York on my way to the North River, where the ship was lying. The noise +and bustle everywhere about me absorbed my attention to such a degree, +that, instead of turning to the right hand, I went to the left, and found +myself at the East River, in the neighborhood of Peck Slip. Here I +inquired after the German ship "Deutschland," and was directed, in my +native tongue, down to the Battery, and thence up to Pier 13, where I +found the ship discharging the rest of her passengers and their baggage. +It was eleven o'clock when I reached the ship: I had, therefore, taken a +three-hours' walk. I had now to wait until the custom-house officer had +inspected my trunks, and afterwards for the arrival of Mr. G., who came at +one o'clock with a cart to convey the baggage to his house. While standing +amidst the crowd, a man in a light suit of clothes of no positive color, +with a complexion of the same sort, came up to me, and asked, in German, +whether I had yet found a boarding-place The man's smooth face +instinctively repelled me; yet the feeling that I was not independently +established made me somewhat indefinite in my reply. On seeing this, he at +once grew talkative and friendly, and, speaking of the necessity of +finding a safe and comfortable home, said that he could recommend me to a +hotel where I would be treated honestly; or that, if I chose to be in a +private family, he knew of a very kind, motherly lady, who kept a +boarding-house for ladies alone,--not to make money, but for the sake of +her country-women. The familiarity that he mingled in his conversation +while trying to be friendly made me thoroughly indignant: I turned my back +upon him, saying that I did not need his services. It was not long before +I saw him besieging my sister Anna, who had come with Mr. G.; being +nervous lest I might not have found the ship. What he said to her, I do +not know. I only remember that she came to me, saying, "I am afraid of +that man: I wish that we could go home soon." This meeting with a man who +makes friendly offers of service may seem a small matter to the mere +looker-on; but it ceases to be so when one knows his motives: and, since +that time, I have had but too many opportunities to see for what end these +offers are made. Many an educated girl comes from the Old World to find a +position as governess or teacher, who is taken up in this manner, and is +never heard from again, or is only found in the most wretched condition. +It is shameful that the most effective arrangements should not be made for +the safety of these helpless beings, who come to these shores with the +hope of finding a Canaan. + +The week was mostly spent in looking for apartments; as we had concluded +to commence housekeeping on a small scale, in order to be more independent +and to save money. On our arrival, I had borrowed from my sister the +hundred dollars which my father had given her on our departure from +Berlin, and which was to be my capital until I had established myself in +business. I succeeded in finding a suite of rooms, with windows facing the +street, in the house of a grocer; and, having put them in perfect order, +we moved into them on the 6th of June, paying eleven dollars as our rent +for two months in advance. + +My sister took charge of our first day's housekeeping while I went to +deliver my letters of introduction. I went first to Dr. Reisig, in +Fourteenth Street. My mother, who had employed him when he was a young man +and we were small children, had spoken of him kindly; and, for this +reason, I had confidence in him. I found him a very friendly man, but by +no means a cordial one. He informed me that female physicians in this +country were of the lowest rank, and that they did not hold even the +position of a good nurse. He said that he wished to be of service to me if +I were willing to serve as nurse; and, as he was just then in need of a +good one, would recommend me for the position. I thanked him for his +candor and kindness, but refused his offer, as I could not condescend to +be patronized in this way. Depressed in hope, but strengthened in will, I +did not deliver any more of my letters, since they were all to physicians, +and I could not hope to be more successful in other quarters. I went home, +therefore, determined to commence practice as a stranger. + +The result of my experiment discouraged my sister greatly. After +meditating for some time, she suddenly said, "Marie, I read in the paper +this morning of a dressmaker who wanted some one to sew for her. I know +how to sew well: I shall go there, and you can attend to our little +household. No one here knows me, and I do not think there is any thing +wrong in my trying to earn some money." + +She was determined, and went. I put up my sign, and spent my time in +attending to the household duties, and in reading in order to gain +information of the country and the people. Occasionally I took walks +through different parts of the city, to learn, from the houses and their +surroundings the character of life in New York. I am sure that though, +perhaps, I appeared idle, I was not so in reality; for during this time I +learned the philosophy of American life. + +But our stock of money was becoming less and less. To furnish the rooms +had cost us comparatively little, as we had brought a complete set of +household furniture with us; but paying the rent and completing the +arrangements had not left us more than enough to live upon, in the most +economical manner, until the 1st of August. My sister obtained the place +at the dressmaker's; and after working a week from seven in the morning +until twelve (when she came home to dinner), then from one in the +afternoon until seven in the evening, she received two dollars and +seventy-five cents as the best sewer of six. She brought home the hardly +earned money with tears in her eyes; for she had expected at least three +dollars for the week's work. She had made each day a whole muslin dress, +with the trimmings. And this was not all: the dressmaker often did not pay +on Saturday nights, because, as she said, people did not pay her +punctually; and the poor girls received their wages by six or eight +shillings at a time. For the last two weeks of my sister's work, she +received her payment seven weeks after she had left. + +We lived in this manner until the middle of July, when I lost patience; +for practice did not come as readily as I wished, nor was I in a position +for making money in any other way. My sister, usually so cheerful and +happy, grew grave from the unusual work and close confinement. One of +these nights, on lying down to sleep, she burst into tears, and told me of +her doubts and fears for the future. I soothed her as well as I could, and +she fell asleep. For myself, I could not sleep, but lay awake all night +meditating what I could possibly do. Should I write home, requesting help +from my father? He certainly would have given it; for we had received a +letter two weeks before, offering us all desirable aid. No: all my pride +rebelled against it. "I must help myself," I thought, "and that +to-morrow." + +The next morning, my sister left me as usual. I went out, and walked +through the city to Broadway turning into Canal Street, where I had formed +an acquaintance with a very friendly German woman by purchasing little +articles at various times at her store. I entered without any particular +design, and exchanged a few commonplaces with her about the weather. Her +husband stood talking with a man about worsted goods, and their +conversation caught my ear. The merchant was complaining because the +manufacturer did not supply him fast enough: upon which the man answered, +that it was very difficult to get good hands to work; and that, besides, +he had more orders than it was possible to fill; naming several merchants +whose names I had seen in Broadway, who were also complaining because he +did not supply them. After he had left, I asked carelessly what kind of +articles were in demand, and was shown a great variety of worsted +fancy-goods. A thought entered my brain. I left the store, and, walking +down Broadway, asked at one of the stores that had been mentioned for a +certain article of worsted goods, in order to learn the price. Finding +this enormous, I did not buy it; and returned home, calculating on my way +how much it would cost to manufacture these articles, and how much profit +could be made in making them on a large scale. I found that two hundred +per cent profit might be made by going to work in the right way. My sister +came home, as usual, to dinner. I sat down with her, but could not eat. +She looked at me anxiously, and said, "I hope you are not sick again. Oh, +dear! what shall we do if you get sick?" I had been ill for a week, and +she feared a relapse. I said nothing of my plan, but consoled her in +respect to my health. + +As soon as she had left, I counted my money. But five dollars remained. If +I had been dependent upon money for cheerfulness, I should certainly have +been discouraged. I went to John Street, and, entering a large worsted +store, inquired of a cheerful-looking girl the wholesale price of the best +Berlin wool; how many colors could be had in a pound; &c. The pleasant and +ready answers that I received in my native tongue induced me to tell her +frankly that I wanted but a small quantity at that time, but that I +intended to make an experiment in manufacturing worsted articles; and, if +successful, would like to open a small credit, which she said they +generally would do when security was given. + +I purchased four and a half dollars' worth of worsted; so that fifty cents +were left in my pocket when I quitted the store. I then went to the office +of a German newspaper, where I paid twenty-five cents for advertising for +girls who understood all kinds of knitting. When my sister came home at +night, the worsted was all sorted on the table in parcels for the girls +who would come the next morning, while I was busily engaged in the +experiment of making little worsted tassels. I had never been skilful in +knitting; but in this I succeeded so well, that I could have made a +hundred yards of tassels in one day. My sister turned pale on seeing all +this; and hurriedly asked, "How much money have you spent?"--"All, my +dear Anna," answered I; "all, except twenty-five cents, which will be +sufficient to buy a pound of beefsteak and potatoes for to-morrow's +dinner. Bread, tea, and sugar we have still in the house; and to-morrow +night you will bring home your twenty-two shillings." "May you succeed, +Marie! that is all I have to say," was her reply. She learned of me that +evening how to make the tassels; and we worked till midnight, finishing a +large number. + +The next day was Saturday, and some women really came to get work. I gave +them just enough for one day, keeping one day's work in reserve. The day +was spent busily in arranging matters, so that, on Monday morning, I might +be able to carry a sample of the manufactured articles to those stores +that I had heard mentioned as not being sufficiently supplied. + +In the evening, my sister came home without her money: the dressmaker had +gone into the country in the afternoon, without paying the girls. She was +more than sad, and I felt a little uncomfortable; for what was I to do, +without money to provide for the next two days, or to pay those girls on +Monday with whose work I might not be satisfied? What was to be done? To +go down to our landlord, the grocer, and ask him to advance us a few +dollars? No: he was a stranger, and had no means of knowing that we would +return the money. Besides, I did not wish the people in the house to know +our condition. + +My resolution was taken. I proposed to my sister to go to the market with +me to buy meat and fruit for the morrow. She looked at me with blank +astonishment; but, without heeding it, I said calmly, taking from the +bureau-drawer the chain of my watch, "Anna, opposite the market, there is +a pawnbroker. No one knows us; and, by giving a fictitious name, we can +get money, without thanking any one for it." She was satisfied; and, +taking a little basket, we went on our errand. I asked of the pawnbroker +six dollars, under the name of Müller and received the money; after which +we made our purchases, and went home in quite good spirits. + +On Monday morning, the knitters brought home their work. I paid them, and +gave them enough for another day; after which I set about finishing each +piece, completing the task about two in the afternoon. This done, I +carried the articles to Broadway; and, leaving a sample in a number of +stores, received orders from them for several dozens.[3] I then went to +the worsted store in John Street, where I also obtained orders for the +manufactured articles, together with ten dollars' worth of worsted on +credit; having first given my name and residence to the book-keeper, with +the names of the stores from which I had received orders. In the evening, +when my sister came home, I was, therefore, safely launched into a +manufacturing business. The news cheered her greatly; but she could not be +induced to quit her sewing. The new business had sprung up so rapidly and +pleasantly that she could not trust in the reality of its existence. + +I must tell you here something of the social life that we led. We had +brought a number of friendly letters with us from our acquaintances in +Berlin to their friends and relatives in America; all of which, upon our +arrival, we sent by post, with the exception of two,--the one sent by a +neighbor to his son, Albert C.; the other to a young artist; both of whom +called for their letters. About four weeks after we were settled in New +York, we received a call from some young men whose sisters had been +schoolmates of my sisters in Berlin, who came to inquire of us where to +find Mr. C. We could give them no information, as we had not seen him +since he called for his letter; neither did we now see any thing of the +G.'s: but the acquaintance thus formed with these young men was continued, +and our solitude was now and then enlivened by an hour's call from them. +Soon after I had commenced my new business, they came one day in company +with Mr. C., whom they had met accidently in the street, and, on his +expressing a wish to see us, had taken the liberty to bring to our house. + +My business continued to prosper; and, by constantly offering none but the +best quality of goods for sale, in a very short time I had so much to do, +that my whole time in the day was occupied with out-door business, and I +was forced to sit up at night with my sister to prepare work for the +knitters. At one time, we had constantly thirty girls in our employ; and +in this way I became acquainted with many of those unfortunates who had +been misled and ruined on their arrival by persons pretending friendship. +Two of these in particular interested me greatly. One, the grand-daughter +of Krummacher, and bearing his name, was the daughter of a physician, who +had come to this country, hoping to find a place as governess. Poor girl! +she was a mere wreck when I found her, and all my efforts to raise her up +were in vain. She was sick, and in a terrible mental condition. We took +her into our house, nursed her and cared for her, and, when she had +recovered, supplied her with work; for which we paid her so well, that she +always had three dollars a week, which paid for her board and washing. It +was twice as much as she could earn, yet not enough to make her feel +reconciled with life. At one time, she did not come to us for a whole +week. I went to see her, and her landlady told me that she was melancholy. +I persuaded her to come and stay with us for a few days; but, in spite of +all my friendly encouragement I could not succeed in restoring her to +cheerfulness. She owned that she could not work merely to live: she did +not feel the pangs of hunger; but she felt the want of comforts to which +she had been accustomed, and which, in our days, are regarded as +necessities. She attempted to find a situation as governess; but her +proficiency in music, French, and drawing, counted as nothing. She had no +city references; and, having been two years in New York, dared not name +the place to which she had been conducted on her arrival. She left us at +last in despair, after having been a week with us. She never called again, +and I could not learn from her landlady where she had gone. Three months +afterwards, I heard from one of the girls in our employ that she had +married a poor shoemaker in order to have a home; but I never learned +whether this was true. About a year later, I met her in the Bowery, poorly +but cleanly dressed. She hastily turned away her face on seeing me; and I +only caught a glimpse of the crimson flush that overspread her +countenance. + +The other girl that I referred to was a Miss Mary ----, who came with her +mother to this country, expecting to live with a brother. They found the +brother married, and unwilling to support his sister; while his wife was +by no means friendly in her reception of his mother. The good girl +determined to earn a support for her mother, and a pretended friend +offered to take care of their things until she could find work and rent +lodgings. After four weeks' search, she found a little room and bedroom in +a rear-building in Elizabeth Street, at five dollars a month; and was +preparing to move, when her _friend_ presented a bill of forty dollars for +his services. She could only satisfy his rapacity by selling every thing +that she could possibly spare: after which she commenced to work; and as +she embroidered a great deal, besides working for me (for which I paid her +six dollars a week), for a time she lived tolerably well. After some time, +her mother fell ill; and she had to nurse her and attend to the household, +as well as labor for their support. It was a trying time for the poor +girl. She sought her brother; but he had moved to the West. I did all that +I could for her; but this was not half enough: and, after I had quitted +the manufacturing business and left the city, my sister heard that she had +drowned herself in the Hudson, because her mother's corpse was lying in +the house, while she had not a cent to give it burial, or to buy a piece +of bread, without selling herself to vice. + +Are not these two terrible romances of New-York life? And many besides did +I learn among these poor women; so many, indeed, that I forget the details +of all. Stories of this kind are said to be without foundation: I say that +there are more of them in our midst than it is possible to imagine. Women +of good education, but without money, are forced to earn their living. +They determine to leave their home, either because false pride +preprevents their seeking work where they have been brought up as +_ladies_, or because this work is so scarce that they cannot earn by it +even a life of semi-starvation; while they are encouraged to believe that +in this country they will readily find proper employment. They are too +well educated to become domestics; better educated, indeed, than are half +the teachers here: but modesty, and the habit of thinking that they must +pass through the same legal ordeal as in Europe, prevent them from seeking +places in this capacity. They all know how to embroider in the most +beautiful manner; and, knowing that this is well paid for in Europe, seek +to find employment of this kind in the stores. Not being able to speak +English, they believe the stories of the clerks and proprietors and are +made to work at low wages, and are often swindled out of their money. They +feel homesick forlorn and forsaken in the world. Their health at length +fails them, and they cannot earn bread enough to keep themselves from +starvation. They are too proud to beg; and the consequence is, that they +walk the streets, or throw themselves into the river. + +I met scores of these friendless women. Some I took into my house; for +others I found work, and made myself a sort of guardian; while to others +I gave friendship to keep them morally alive. It is a curious fact, that +these women are chiefly Germans. The Irish resort at once to beggary or +are inveigled into brothels, as soon as they arrive; while the French are +always intriguing enough either to put on a white cap and find a place as +_bonne_, or to secure a _private_ lover. + +I am often in despair about the helplessness of women, and the readiness +of men to let them earn money in abundance by shame, while they grind them +down to the merest pittance for honorable work. Shame on society, that +women are forced to surrender themselves to an abandoned life and death, +when so many are enjoying wealth and luxury in extravagance! I do not wish +them to divide their estates with the poor; I am no friend to communism in +any form: I only wish institutions that shall give to women an education +from childhood that will enable them, like young men, to earn their +livelihood. These weak women are the last to come forth to aid in their +emancipation from inefficient education. We cannot calculate upon these: +we must educate the children for better positions and leave the adults to +their destiny. + +How many women marry only for a shelter or a home! How often have I been +the confidante of girls, who the day before, arrayed in satin, had given +their hands to rich men before the altar, while their hearts were breaking +with suppressed agony! and this, too, among Americans, this great, free +nation, who, notwithstanding, let their women starve. It is but lately +that a young woman said to me, "I thank Heaven, my dear doctor, that you +are a woman; for now I can tell you the truth about my health. It is not +my body that is sick, but my heart. These flounces and velvets cover a +body that is sold,--sold legally to a man who could pay my father's +debts." Oh! I scorn men, sometimes from the bottom of my heart. Still this +is wrong: for it is the women's, the mothers' fault, in educating their +daughters to be merely beautiful machines, fit to ornament a fine +establishment; while, if they do not succeed in gaining this, there is +nothing left but wretchedness of mind and body. Women, there is a +connection between the Fifth Avenue and the Five Points! Both the rich and +the wretched are types of womanhood; both are linked together, forming one +great body; and both have the same part in good and evil. I can hardly +leave this subject, though it may seem to have little to do with my +American experience; but a word spoken from a full heart not only gives +relief, but may fall on _one_ listening ear, and take root there. + +I must now return to my new enterprise. The business paid well: and, +although I was often forced to work with my sister till the dawn of +morning, we were happy; for we had all that we needed, and I could write +home that the offered assistance was superfluous. Here I must say, that I +had resolved, on leaving Berlin, never to ask for aid, in order that I +might be able with perfect freedom to carry out my plans independently of +my family. How this was ever to be done, I did not yet see; though I had a +good opportunity to learn, from life and from the papers, what I had to +expect here. But this mode of instruction, though useful to one seeking to +become a philosopher, was very unsatisfactory to me. The chief thing that +I learned was, that I must acquire English before I could undertake any +thing. And this was the most difficult point to overcome. I am not a +linguist by nature: all that I learn of languages must be obtained by the +greatest perseverance and industry; and, for this, my business would not +allow me time. + +Shortly after I had fairly established myself in the manufacturing +business, I received news from Berlin, that Sister Catherine had left the +Hospital Charité, and was intending to join me in America, in order to aid +me in carrying out my plan for the establishment of a hospital for women +in the New World. The parties interested in her had finally succeeded in +placing her in the wished-for position, thus disconnecting her from the +sisterhood. But, after my departure, the position became greatly modified +in rank, and inferior in character. Private reasons besides made it +disagreeable for her to remain there any longer; and in this moment she +remembered my friendship towards her, and in the unfortunate belief that +she shared with many others, that all that I designed to do I could do at +once, resolved to come to me, and offer her assistance. She joined us on +the 22d of August, and was not a little disappointed to find me in the +tassel instead of the medical line. The astonishment with which her +acquaintances in Berlin heard her announce her intention of going to seek +help from a person to whom she had been less than a friend, could not be +expressed in words; and she told me that the annoyance that they +manifested was really the chief stimulus that decided her to come at last. +She arrived without a cent. Having always found friends enough ready to +supply her with money, whenever she wished to establish a temporary +hospital, it had never occurred to her that she should need any for +private use, beyond just enough to furnish the simple blue merino dress of +the sisterhood, which had often been provided for her by the Kaiserswerth +Institute. But here she was; and she very soon learned to understand the +difficulties which must be overcome before I could enter again into my +profession. She became satisfied, and lived with us, sharing equally in +whatever we had ourselves. There is a peculiar satisfaction in showing +kindness to a person who has injured us, though unconsciously under +different circumstances: and, in her case, she was not entirely +unconscious of the harm she had done me; for she confessed to me while in +America, that her acquaintance was courted by all those who had been +thwarted in their opposition by my appointment, and that she knew well +that they sought every opportunity to annoy me. + +On the 18th of September, a sister, one year younger than myself, joined +us; having been tempted by our favorable accounts to try a life of +adventure. We were now four in the family. But Catherine gradually grew +discontented. Having been accustomed to the comforts afforded in large +institutions, and to receiving attentions from the most aristocratic +families of Prussia, the monotonous life that we led was only endurable to +her so long as the novelty lasted. This soon wore off, and she became +anxious for a change. She had heard her fellow-passengers speak of a +Pastor S., who had been sent to America as a missionary; and she begged me +to seek him out, and take her to him, that she might consult him as to +what she had best do. I did so, and she soon became acquainted with his +family. Mr. S. exerted himself in her behalf, and secured her a place as +nurse in the Home for the Friendless, where she had the charge of some +thirty children. This was a heavy task; for, though none were under a year +old, she was constantly disturbed through the night, and could get but a +few hours' consecutive sleep. Besides, she could not become reconciled to +washing under the hydrant in the morning, and to being forced to mingle +with the commonest Irish girls. She was in every respect a lady, and had +been accustomed to have a servant at her command, even in the midst of the +typhus-fever in the desolate districts of Silesia; while here she was not +even treated with humanity. This soon grew unbearable; and she returned to +us on the 16th of October, after having been only ten days in the +institution. So eager was she to make her escape, that she did not even +ask for the two dollars that were due her for wages. But we could not +receive her; for we had taken another woman in her place, as friendless +and as penniless as she. Besides, a misfortune had just fallen upon us. +During the night before, our doors had been unlocked, our bureau-drawers +inspected, and all our money, amounting to fifty-two dollars, carried off; +and, when Catherine arrived, we were so poor that we had to borrow the +bread and milk for our breakfast. Fortunately, the day before, I had +refused the payment due me for a large bill of goods; and this came now in +a very good time. I did not feel justified, however, in increasing the +family to five after our loss; nor did she claim our assistance, but went +again to Pastor S., who had invited her to visit his family. With his +assistance, she obtained some private nursing, which maintained her until +the congregation had collected money enough to enable her to return to +Berlin; which she did on the 2d of December. Having many friends in the +best circles of that city, she immediately found a good practice again; +and is now, as she says, enjoying life in a civilized manner. + +We moved at once from the scene of the robbery and took a part of a house +in Monroe Street, for which we paid two hundred dollars a year. Our +business continued good, and I had some prospects of getting into +practice. But, with spring, the demand for worsted goods ceased; and as my +practice brought me work, but no money, I was forced to look out for +something else to do. By accident, I saw in a store a coiffure made of +silk, in imitation of hair, which I bought; but I found, on examination, +that I could not manufacture it, as it was machine-work. I went, +therefore, to Mr. G., and proposed to establish a business with him, in +which he should manufacture these coiffures, while I would sell them by +wholesale to the merchants with whom I was acquainted. Mr. G. had +completely ruined himself during the winter by neglecting his business and +meddling with Tammany-Hall politics, which had wasted his money and his +time. He had not a single workman in his shop when I called, and was too +much discouraged to think of any new enterprise; but, on my telling him +that I would be responsible for the first outlay, he engaged hands, and, +in less than a month, had forty-eight persons busily employed. In this way +I earned money during the spring, and freed myself from the obligations +which his kindness in receiving us the spring before had laid upon us. + +My chief business now was to sell the goods manufactured by Mr. G. Our +worsted business was very small; and the prospect was that it would cease +entirely, and that the coiffure that we made would not long continue in +fashion. Some other business, therefore, had to be found, especially as it +was impossible for us to lay up money. Our family now consisted of myself +and two sisters, the friend that was staying with us, and a brother, +nineteen years of age, who had joined us during the winter, and who, +though an engineer and in good business, was, like most young men, +thoughtless and more likely to increase than to lighten our burdens. Our +friend Mr. C., who had become our constant visitor, planned at this time a +journey to Europe; so that our social life seemed also about to come to an +end. + +On the 13th of May, 1854, as I was riding down to the stores on my usual +business, reveries of the past took possession of my mind. Almost a year +in America, and not one step advanced towards my purpose in coming hither! +It was true that I had a comfortable home, with enough to live upon, and +had repaid my sister the money that I had borrowed from her on our +arrival; yet what kind of a life was it that I was leading, in a business +foreign to my nature and inclinations, and without even the prospect of +enlarging this? These reflections made me so sad, that, when I reached the +store, the book-keeper noticed my dejection, and told me, by way of +cheering me, that he had another order for a hundred dollars' worth of +goods, &c.; but this did not relieve me. I entered the omnibus again, +speculating constantly on what I should do next; when a thought suddenly +dawned upon me. Might not the people in the Home for the Friendless be +able to give me advice? I had hardly conceived the idea, when I determined +to ride directly up there, instead of stopping at the street in which I +lived. I thought, besides, that some employment might be found for my +sister Anna, in which she could learn the English language, for which she +had evinced some talent, while I had decided that I could never become +master of it. I had seen the matron, Miss Goodrich, once when I called +there on Catherine S. She had a humane face, and I was persuaded that I +should find a friend in her. I was not mistaken. I told her of my plans in +coming here, and of our present mode of life and prospects; and confided +to her my disappointment and dejection, as well as my determination to +persevere courageously. She seemed to understand and to enter into my +feelings, and promised to see Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, whom she advised me +to call upon at once. + +I went home full of the hope and inspiration of a new life. Dear Mary, you +can hardly comprehend the happiness of that morning. I was not suffering, +it is true, for the necessaries of life; but, what was far worse, I +suffered from the feeling that I lived for no purpose but to eat and to +drink. I had no friends who were interested in the pursuits towards which +my nature inclined; and I saw crowds of arrogant people about me, to whom +I could not prove that I was their equal in spite of their money. My +sisters had not seen me so cheerful since our arrival in America, and +thought that I had surely discovered the philosopher's stone. I told them +of what I had done, and received their approbation. + +On the morning of the 15th of May,--the anniversary of the death of Dr. +Schmidt and of my greatest joy and my greatest misery,--we received a call +from Miss Goodrich, who told us that she had seen Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, +and thought that she had also procured a suitable place for my sister. She +gave us the addresses of Dr. Blackwell and of Miss Catherine Sedgwick. We +called first upon the latter, who was extremely kind; and although she +had quite misunderstood our wishes,--having exerted herself to procure a +place for my sister in a way that manifested the belief that we had +neither a home nor the means to live,--yet her friendliness and readiness +to assist us made us for ever grateful to her. At that time we did not +know her standing in society, and looked upon her merely as a benevolent +and wealthy woman. We soon learned more of her, however: for, though +unsuccessful in her first efforts, she shortly after sent for my sister, +having secured her a place in Mr. Theodore Sedgwick's family; which was +acceptable, inasmuch as it placed her above the level of the servants. She +remained there seven weeks, and then returned home. + +On the same morning, I saw Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell; and from this call of +the 15th of May I date my new life in America. She spoke a little German, +and understood me perfectly when I talked. I gave her all my certificates +for inspection but said nothing to her of my plans in coming to America. +It would have seemed too ludicrous for me in my position to tell her that +I entertained the idea of interesting the people in the establishment of a +hospital for women. I hardly know what I told her, indeed; for I had no +other plan of which to speak, and therefore talked confusedly, like an +adventurer. I only know that I said that I would take the position of +nurse, if I could enter one of the large hospitals, in order to learn the +manner in which they were managed in this country. + +I cannot comprehend how Dr. Blackwell could ever have taken so deep an +interest in me as she manifested that morning; for I never in my life was +so little myself. Yet she did take this interest; for she gave me a sketch +of her own experience in acquiring a medical education, and explained the +requirements for such in this country, and the obstacles that are thrown +in the way of women who seek to become physicians. She told me of her plan +of founding a hospital,--the long-cherished idea of my life; and said that +she had opened a little dispensary--the charter for which was procured +during the preceding winter, under the name of "The New-York Infirmary for +Indigent Women and Children"--on the 1st of May, two weeks before, and +which was designed to be the nucleus for this hospital, where she invited +me to come and assist her. She insisted that, first of all, I should learn +English; and offered to give me lessons twice a week, and also to make +efforts to enable me to enter a college to acquire the title of M.D., +which I had not the right to attach to my name. I left her after several +hours' conversation, and we parted friends. + +I continued my work at home; going regularly to Dr. Blackwell to receive +lessons in English, and to assist her in the dispensary. As we grew better +acquainted, I disclosed more to her of the fact, that I had a fixed plan +in coming to this country; which increased her interest in me. She wrote +in my behalf to the different colleges, and at length succeeded in +obtaining admission for me to the Cleveland Medical College (Western +Reserve) on the most favorable terms; credit being given me on the +lecture-fees for an indefinite time. + +Here I must stop to tell you why this credit was necessary. The articles +that I had manufactured had gone out of fashion in May: and I could not +invent any thing new, partly because I no longer felt the same interest as +before, knowing that I should soon go to a medical college; and partly +because the articles then in fashion were cheaper when imported. We had to +live for a little while on the money that we had laid up, until I procured +a commission for embroidering caps. It is perfectly wonderful into +what kinds of business I was forced, all foreign to my taste. + +And here let me tell you some secrets of this kind of business, in which +hundreds of women starve, and hundreds more go down to a life of infamy. +Cap-making (the great business of Water Street of New York) gives +employment to thousands of unfortunates. For embroidering caps, the +wholesale dealer pays seven cents each; and for making up, three cents. To +make a dozen a day, one must work for sixteen hours. The embroidering is +done in this wise: I received the cut cloth from the wholesale dealer; +drew the pattern upon each cap; gave them, with three cents' worth of +silk, to the embroiderer, who received three cents for her work; then +pressed and returned them; thus making one cent on each for myself. By +working steadily for sixteen hours, a girl could embroider fifteen in a +day. I gave out about six dozen daily; earning, like the rest, fifty cents +a day: unless I chose to do the stamping and pressing at night, and to +embroider a dozen during the day; in which case, I earned a dollar. + +One can live in this way for a little while, until health fails, or the +merchant says that the work has come to an end. You will think this +terrible again. Oh, no! this is not terrible. The good men provide in +another way. They tell every woman of a prepossessing appearance, that it +is wrong in her to work so hard; that many a man would be glad to care for +her; and that many women live quite comfortably with the help of _a +friend_. They say, further, that it is lonely to live without ever going +to church, to the concert and theatre; and that if these women would only +permit the speakers to visit them, and to attend them to any of these +places, they would soon find that they would no longer be obliged to work +so hard. This is the polished talk of gentlemen who enjoy the reputation +of piety and respectability, and who think it a bad speculation to pay +women liberally for their work. So it would be, in truth; for these poor +creatures would not be so willing to abandon themselves to a disreputable +life, if they could procure bread in any other way. + +During the summer of 1854, I took work on commission from men of this +sort. While in Berlin I had learned from the prostitutes in the hospital +in what manner educated women often became what they then were. The +average story was always the same. The purest love made them weak; their +lover deceived and deserted them; their family cast them off by way of +punishment. In their disgrace, they went to bury themselves in large +cities, where the work that they could find scarcely gave them their daily +bread. Their employers attracted by their personal appearance and the +refinement of their speech and manners, offered them assistance in another +way, in which they could earn money without work. In despair, they +accepted the proposals; and sunk gradually, step by step, to the depths of +degradation, as depicted by Hogarth in the "Harlot's Progress." In New +York, I was thrown continually among men who were of the stamp that I +described before; and can say, even from my own experience, that no man is +ever more polite, more friendly, or more kind, than one who has impure +wishes in his heart. It is really so dangerous for a woman of refined +nature to go to such stores, that I never suffered my sister to visit +them; not because I feared that she would listen to these men, but because +I could not endure the thought that so innocent and beautiful a girl +should come in contact with them, or even breathe the same atmosphere. +When fathers are unwilling that their daughters shall enter life as +physicians, lawyers, merchants, or in any other public capacity, it is +simply because they belong to the class that so contaminates the air, +that none can breathe it but themselves; or because, from being thrown +constantly in contact with such men, they arrive at the same point at +which I then stood, and say to themselves "_I_ can afford to meet such +men. I am steeled by my knowledge of mankind, and supported by the +philosophy that I have learned during years of trial. It cannot hurt _me_; +but, by all means, spare the young and beautiful the same experience!" + +I dealt somewhat haughtily with the merchants whom I have described, in a +manner that at once convinced them of my position. But the consequence +was, that the embroidery commission, which had commenced so favorably, +suddenly ceased, "_because the Southern trade had failed_:" in truth, +because I would not allow any of these men to say any more to me than was +absolutely necessary in our business. My income became less and less, and +we were forced to live upon the money that we had laid up during the year. +I did not look for any new sources of employment, for I was intending to +go to Cleveland in October; while my next sister had business of her own, +and Anna was engaged to be married to our friend Mr. C. My brother was +also with them; and my mother's brother, whom she had adopted as a child, +was on his way to America. + +After having settled our affairs, fifty dollars remained as my share; and, +with this sum, I set out for Cleveland on the 16th of October, 1854. Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell had supplied me with the necessary medical text-books; +so that I had no other expenses than my journey and the matriculation +fees, which together amounted to twenty dollars, leaving thirty dollars in +my possession. + +I do not believe that many begin the study of medicine with so light a +purse and so heavy a heart as did I. My heart was heavy for the reason +that I did not know a single sentence of English. All of my study with Dr. +Blackwell had been like raindrops falling upon stone: I had profited +nothing. The lectures I did not care for, since there was more need of my +studying English than medicine: but the subjects were well known to me; +and I therefore reasoned, that, by hearing familiar things treated of in +English, I must learn the language; and the logic held good. + +I have already told you that the Faculty had agreed to give me credit for +my lecture-fees. Dr. Blackwell had written also to a lady there, who had +called upon her some time before in the capacity of President of a +Physiological Society, which, among other good things, had established a +small fund for the assistance of women desirous of studying medicine. This +lady (Mrs. Caroline M. Severance) replied in the most friendly manner, +saying that I might come directly to her house, and that she would see +that my board for the winter was secured by the Physiological Society over +which she presided. + +The journey to Cleveland was a silent but a pleasant one. Through a +mishap, I arrived on Saturday night, instead of in the morning; and, being +unwilling to disturb Mrs. Severance at so late an hour, went first to a +hotel. But what trials I had there! No one could understand me; until at +last I wrote on a slate my own name and Mrs. Severance's, with the words, +"A carriage," and "To-morrow." From this the people inferred that I wished +to stay at the hotel all night, and to have a carriage to take me to Mrs. +Severance's the next day; as was the case. A waiter took my carpet-bag and +conducted me to a room. I could not understand his directions to the +supper-room, neither could I make him understand that I wanted some supper +in my own room; and the consequence was, that I went to bed hungry, having +eaten nothing all day but a little bread, and an apple for luncheon. + +As soon as I was dressed the next morning, I rang the bell furiously; and, +on the appearance of the waiter, exclaimed, "Beefsteak!" This time he +comprehended me, and went laughingly away to bring me a good breakfast. I +often saw the same waiter afterwards at the hotel; and he never saw me +without laughing, and exclaiming, "Beefsteak!" + +In the course of the forenoon, I was taken in a carriage to the house of +Mrs. Severance; but the family were not at home. I returned to the hotel, +somewhat disheartened and disappointed. Although I should have supposed +that death was not far off if no disappointment had happened to me when I +least expected it, yet this persistent going wrong of every thing in +Cleveland was really rather dispiriting. But a bright star soon broke +through the clouds, in the shape of Mr. Severance, who came into the +parlor directly after dinner, calling for me in so easy and so cordial a +manner, that I forgot every thing, and was perfectly happy. This feeling, +however, lasted only until I reached the house. I found four fine +children, all full of childish curiosity to hear me talk; who, as soon as +they found that I could not make myself understood by them, looked on me +with that sort of contempt peculiar to children when they discover that a +person cannot do as much as they can themselves. Mr. Severance, too, was +expecting to find me accomplished in music, "like all Germans;" and had to +learn that I had neither voice nor ear for the art. Mrs. Severance +understood a little German, yet not half enough to gain any idea of how +much or how little I was capable of doing; and therefore looked upon me +with a sort of uncertainty as to what was my real capacity. This position +was more provoking than painful; there was even something ludicrous in it: +and, when not annoyed, I often went into my room to indulge in a hearty +laugh by myself. + +I met with a most cordial reception in the college The dean (Dr. John J. +Delamater) received me like a father; and, on the first day, I felt +perfectly at home. All was going on well. I had a home at Mrs. +Severance's; while, despite my mutilated English, I found many friends in +the college, when circumstances changed every thing. Some changes occurred +in Mr. Severance's business; and he was forced, in consequence, to give up +house-keeping At that time, I did not know that the Physiological Society +was ready to lend me money; and was therefore in great distress. I never +experienced so bitter a day as that on which Mrs. Severance told me that I +could stay with her no longer. It was but five weeks after my arrival, and +I was not able to make myself understood in the English language, which +was like chaos to me. On the same day, I well remember, that, for the +first time in my life, I made an unsuccessful attempt to borrow money; +and, because it was the first and the last time, it was the more painful +to me to be refused. I envied the dog that lived, and was happy without +troubling his brain; I envied the kitchen-maid that did her work +mechanically, and enjoyed life far more than those fitted by nature for +something higher, while the world would go on just as well without them as +with them. + +Mrs. Severance secured a boarding-place for me for the rest of the winter; +and paid my board, amounting to thirty-three dollars, from the funds of +the society. I lived quietly by myself; studied six hours daily at home, +with four dictionaries by me; attending six lectures a day, and going in +the evening for three hours to the dissecting-rooms. I never conversed +with any one in the boarding-house nor even asked for any thing at the +table; but was supplied like a mute. This silence was fruitful to me. +About New Year, I ventured to make my English audible; when, lo! every one +understood me perfectly. From this time forward, I sought to make +acquaintances, to the especial delight of good old Dr. Delamater, who had +firmly believed that I was committing gradual suicide. Through Mrs. +Severance, I became acquainted with Dr. Harriot K. Hunt, who was then on a +visit to Cleveland; and, through her, with the Rev. A.D. Mayo, who was +pastor of a small society there, known as that of the Liberal Christians. + +I found many dear and valued friends during my residence in Cleveland, but +none to whom I am bound in lasting gratitude as to Mr. Mayo, who offered +me his assistance when he learned that I was in need; my extra expenses +having swallowed up the little money that I had brought with me, so that I +had not even enough to return to my sisters in New York. As the minister +of a small congregation advocating Liberal ideas, he had a hard position +in Cleveland, both socially and pecuniarily; yet he offered to share his +little with me. I was forced to accept it; and I am now, and have always +been, glad that I did so. No one, that has not had the experience, can +appreciate the happiness that comes with the feeling, that a rich man has +not cast a fragment of his superfluity towards you (and here let me +remark, that it is next to impossible to find wealth and generosity go +together in friendship), but that the help comes from one who must work for +it as well as the recipient. It proves the existence of the mutual +appreciation that is known by the name of "friendship." The apple given by +a friend is worth ten times more than a whole orchard bestowed in such a +way as to make you feel that the gift is but the superfluity of the donor. + +I remained for ten months a member of Mr. Mayo's family; when he received +a call to Albany, and changes had to be made in his household. During this +time, I earned a little money by giving lessons in German, that served to +cover my most necessary expenses. For the last five months that I spent in +Cleveland, I carried in my purse one solitary cent as a sort of talisman; +firmly believing that some day it would turn into gold: but this did not +happen; and on the day that I was expecting the receipt of the last +eighteen dollars for my lessons, which were designed to bear my expenses +to New York, I gave it to a poor woman in the street who begged me for a +cent; and it doubtless, ere long, found its way into a gin-shop. + +The twenty months that I spent in Cleveland were chiefly devoted to the +study of medicine in the English language; and in this I was assisted by +most noble-hearted men. Dr. Delamater's office became a pleasant spot, and +its occupants a necessity to me; and, on the days that I did not meet +them, my spirits fell below zero. In spite of the pecuniary distress from +which I constantly suffered, I was happier in Cleveland than ever before +or since. I lived in my element; having a fixed purpose in view, and +enjoying the warmest tokens of real friendship. I was liked in the +college; and, though the students often found it impossible to repress a +hearty laugh at my ridiculous blunders in English, they always showed me +respect and fellowship in the highest sense of the terms. In the beginning +of the first winter, I was the only woman; after the first month, another +was admitted; and, during the second winter, there were three besides +myself that attended the lectures and graduated in the spring. I should +certainly look upon this season as the spring-time of my life, had not a +sad event thrown a gloom over the whole. + +In the autumn of 1854, after deciding to go to Cleveland to resume my +medical studies, I wrote to my parents to tell them of my hopes and aims. +These letters were not received with the same pleasure with which they +had been written. My father, who had encouraged me before my entrance upon +a public career, was not only grieved by my return to my old mode of life, +but greatly opposed to it, and manifested this in the strongest words in +the next letter that I received from him. My mother on the contrary, who +had not been at all enthusiastic in the beginning, was rather glad to +receive the news. As I had left many good friends among the physicians of +Berlin, my letters were always circulated, after their arrival, by one of +their number who stood high in the profession; and, though I did not +receive my father's approbation, he sent me several letters from strangers +who approved my conduct, and who, after hearing my letters, had sent him +congratulations upon my doings in America. How he received the respect +thus manifested to him, you can judge from a passage in one of his +letters, which I will quote to you:-- + +"I am proud of you, my daughter; yet you give me more grief than any other +of my children. If you were a young man, I could not find words in which +to express my satisfaction and pride in respect to your acts; for I know +that all you accomplish you owe to yourself: but you are a woman, a weak +woman; and all that I can do for you now is to grieve and to weep. O my +daughter! return from this unhappy path. Believe me, the temptation of +living for humanity _en masse,_ magnificent as it may appear in its aim, +will lead you only to learn that all is vanity; while the ingratitude of +the mass for whom you choose to work will be your compensation." + +Letters of this sort poured upon me; and, when my father learned that +neither his reasoning nor his prayers could turn me from a work which I +had begun with such enthusiasm, he began to threaten; telling me that I +must not expect any pecuniary assistance from him; that I would contract +debts in Cleveland which I should never be able to pay, and which would +certainly undermine my prospects; with more of this sort. My good father +did not know that I had vowed to myself, on my arrival in America, that I +would never ask his aid; and besides, he never imagined that I could go +for five months with a single cent in my pocket. Oh, how small all these +difficulties appeared to me, especially at a time when I began to speak +English! I felt so rich, that I never thought money could not be had, +whenever I wanted it in good earnest. + +After having been nine months in Cleveland, I received news that my +mother had left Berlin with my two youngest sisters to pay us a visit, and +to see what the prospects would be for my father in case she chose to +remain. Dear Mary, shall I attempt to describe to you the feeling that +over-powered me on the receipt of these tidings? If I did, you never could +feel it with me: for I could not picture in words the joy that I felt at +the prospect of beholding again the mother whom I loved beyond all +expression, and who was my friend besides; for we really never thought of +each other in our relation of mother and child, but as two who were bound +together as friends in thought and in feeling. No: I cannot give you a +description of this, especially as it was mingled with the fear that I +might not have the means to go to greet her in New York before another ten +months were over. Day and night, night and day, she was in my mind; and, +from the time that I had a right to expect her arrival, I counted the +hours from morning until noon, and from noon until night, when the +telegraph office would be closed. At length, on the 18th of September, the +despatch came,--not to me, but to my friend Mr. Mayo,--bearing the words, +"Tell Marie that she must calmly and quietly receive the news that our +good mother sleeps at the bottom of the ocean, which serves as her +monument and her grave." Mary, this is the most trying passage that I have +to write in this sketch of my life; and you must not think me weak that +tears blot the words as I write. My mother fell a victim to sea-sickness +which brought on a violent hemorrhage, that exhausted the sources of life. +She died three weeks before the vessel reached the port; and my two +sisters (the one seventeen and the other nine years of age) chose rather +to have her lowered on the Banks of Newfoundland, than bring to us a +corpse instead of the living. They were right; and the great ocean seems +to me her fitting monument. + +Of course, upon the receipt of these tidings, I could remain no longer in +Cleveland, but took my last money, and went to New York to stay for a +while with my afflicted brother and sisters. The journey was very +beneficial to me; for, without it, I should not have been able to go +through my winter's study. During my stay in New York, I often visited Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell, and learned that the little dispensary was closed +because her practice prevented her from attending it regularly; but that, +during my absence, she had been trying to interest some wealthy friends +in the collection of money, to enable us, after my return in the spring, +to commence again upon a little larger scale. To effect this, she proposed +to hold a fair during the winter after my return; and we concluded that +the first meeting for this purpose should be held during my visit in New +York. She succeeded in calling together a few friends at her house, who +determined to form a nucleus for a Fair Association for the purpose of +raising money for the New-York Infirmary. + +I made a visit of a few days to Boston, and then returned again to +Cleveland. The winter passed in very much the same manner as the first, +with the difference that I spoke better English, and visited many friends +whom I had made during the preceding year. In the spring of 1856, I +graduated. Shortly after commencement, the Dean of the College (Dr. +Delamater) called upon me at the house of a friend with whom I was staying +on a visit. A call from this venerable gentleman was a thing so unusual, +that numberless conjectures as to what this visit might mean flitted +through my brain on my way to the parlor. He received me, as usual, +paternally; wished me a thousand blessings; and handed back to me the note +for one hundred and twenty dollars, payable in two years, which I had +given for the lecture-fees; telling me, that, in the meeting of the +Faculty after graduating-day it was proposed by one of the professors to +return the note to me as a gift; to which those present cheerfully gave a +unanimous vote, adding their wishes for my success, and appointing Dr. +Delamater as their delegate to inform me of the proceedings. This was a +glorious beginning, for which I am more than thankful, and for which I was +especially so at that time, when I had barely money enough to return to +New York, with very small prospects of getting means wherewith to commence +practice. The mention of this fact might be thought indiscreet by the +Faculty in Cleveland, were they still so organized as to admit women; +which, I am sorry to say, is no longer the case; though they give as their +reason, that women at present have their own medical colleges, and, +consequently, have no longer need of theirs. + +Before I quit the subject of the Cleveland College I must mention a fact, +which may serve as an argument against the belief that the sexes cannot +study together without exerting an injurious effect upon each other. +During the last winter of my study, there was such emulation in respect to +the graduating honors among the candidates for graduation comprising +thirty-eight male and four female students, that all studied more closely +than they had ever done before--the men not wishing to be excelled by the +women, nor the women by the men; and one of the professors afterwards told +me, that whereas it was usually a difficult thing to decide upon the three +best theses to be read publicly at the commencement, since all were more +or less indifferently written, this year the theses were all so good, that +it was necessary, to avoid doing absolute injustice, to select thirteen +from which parts should be read. Does not this prove that the stimulus of +the one sex upon the other would act rather favorably than otherwise upon +the profession? and would not the very best tonic that could be given to +the individual be to pique his _amour propre_ by the danger of being +excelled by one of the opposite sex? Is not this natural? and would not +this be the best and the surest reformation of humanity and its social +condition, if left free to work out its own development? + +On the day following the visit of Dr. Delamater, I received a letter from +my brother-in-law, in which he told me that his business compelled him to +go to Europe for half a year; and that he had, therefore, made +arrangements for me to procure money, in case that I should need it to +commence my practice. He said that he intended to assist me afterwards; +but that, as he thought it best for my sister (his wife) to live out of +New York during his absence, he was willing to lend me as much money as I +required until his return. I accepted his offer with infinite pleasure; +for it was another instance of real friendship. He was by no means a rich +man, but was simply in the employ of a large importing house. + +With these prospects I left Cleveland. Immediately after my arrival in New +York, I began to look out for a suitable office; consulting Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell, with whom I had maintained a constant correspondence, in regard +to location. I soon found that I could not obtain a respectable room +without paying an exorbitant price. Some were afraid to let an office to a +female physician, lest she might turn out a spiritual medium, clairvoyant +hydropathist, &c.; others, who believed me when I told them that I had a +diploma from a regular school, and should never practise contrary to its +requirements, inquired to what religious denomination I belonged, and +whether I had a private fortune, or intended to support myself by my +practice; while the third class, who asked no questions at all, demanded +three dollars a day for a back parlor alone, without the privilege of +putting a sign on the house or the door. Now, all this may be very +aggravating, when it is absolutely necessary that one should have a place +upon which to put a sign to let the world know that she is ready to try +her skill upon suffering humanity; but it has such a strongly ludicrous +side, that I could not be provoked, in spite of all the fatigue and +disappointment of wandering over the city, when, with aching limbs, I +commenced the search afresh each morning, with the same prospect of +success. I finally gave up looking for a room, and accepted Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell's offer; to occupy her back parlor (the front one serving as her +own office); of which I took possession on the 17th of April. + +Meanwhile, I had regularly attended the Thursday fair-meetings; wondering +how persons could afford to meet to so little purpose. There was scarcely +any life in these gatherings; and, when I saw ladies come week after week +to resume the knitting of a baby's stocking (which was always laid aside +again in an hour or two, without any marked progress), I began to doubt +whether the sale of these articles would ever bring ten thousand cents, +instead of the ten thousand dollars which it was proposed at the first +meeting to raise in order to buy a house. I used to say on Wednesday, +"To-morrow we have our fair-meeting. I wonder whether there will be, as +usual, two and a half persons present, or three and three-quarters." + +I grew at length heartily sick of this kind of effort, and set about +speculating what better could be done. The idea occurred to me to go from +house to house, and ask for a dime at each, which, if given, would amount +to ten dollars a day; and, with the money thus collected daily for half a +year, to establish a nucleus hospital, which, as a fixed fact, should +stimulate its friends to further assistance. + +I took my note-book, and wrote out the whole plan, and also calculated the +expenses of such a miniature hospital as I proposed; including furniture +beds, household utensils; every thing, in short, that was necessary in +such an institution. With this book, which I still have in my possession, +I went one evening into Dr. Blackwell's parlor, and, seating myself, told +her that _I_ could not work any longer for the fair in the way that the +ladies were doing; and then read my plan to her, which I advocated long +and earnestly. She finally agreed with me that it would be better +speedily to establish a small hospital than to wait for the large sum that +had been proposed; though she did not approve of the scheme of the dime +collection, fearing that I would not only meet with great annoyances, but +would also injure my health in the effort. At that time, after some +discussion, I agreed with her: now I think that this plan would have been +better than that which I afterwards followed. On the same evening, I +proposed, and we agreed, that, on a year from that day (the 1st of May, +1857), the New-York Infirmary should be opened. + +I went to rest with a light heart, but rose sorrowfully in the morning. +"In one year from to-day, the Infirmary must be opened," said I to myself; +"and the funds towards it are two pairs of half-knit babies' stockings." +The day was passed in thinking what was the next best scheme to raise +money for its foundation. At length I remembered my visit to Boston, and +some friends there whose influence might help me _to beg_ for an +_institution for American women_. For myself I could never have begged; I +would sooner have drowned myself: now I determined to beg money from +Americans to establish an institution for their own benefit. This plan was +disclosed to Dr. Blackwell, and agreed upon, as there was nothing risked +in it; I taking the whole responsibility. + +On the next day, the fair-meeting was held at Dr. Blackwell's. The new +plan was brought forward; and, although it was as yet nothing but a plan, +it acted like a warm, soft rain upon a field after a long drought. The +knitting and sewing (for which I have a private horror under all +conditions) were laid aside, to my great relief; and the project was +talked of with so much enthusiasm, that I already saw myself in +imagination making my evening visits to the patients in the New-York +Infirmary; while all the members present (and there were unusually many; I +think, six or seven) discussed the question the next day among their +circles of friends, whether Henry Ward Beecher or a physician of high +standing should make the opening speech in the institution. + +This excitement increased the interest exceedingly and the succeeding +meetings were quite enthusiastic. The babies' stockings were never again +resumed (don't think that, because I detested those stockings so much, I +am cruel enough to wish the little creatures to go barefoot); but plans +were made for raising money in New York, and for getting articles for sale +on a larger scale. Dr. Blackwell wrote to her sister. Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who was at that time studying in England, requesting her to +make collections among their friends in that country; which she did with +success. + +After having thus thoroughly impressed the public mind with the idea that +the Infirmary must be opened, we began to look about for a suitable house. +In autumn, I went to Boston to see what aid could be obtained there. I +cannot tell you here in what manner I became acquainted with a circle of +noble women, who had both means and the disposition to employ them for +such a purpose: it suffices to say, that I interested them in the +undertaking and obtained a hundred dollars towards the expenses of the +fair, together with a promise of a large table of fancy-goods, and an +invitation to come again in case any further aid was needed. At the end of +three weeks, I left Boston for Philadelphia; but here I was not +successful, as all who were interested in the medical education of women +contributed largely already to the Philadelphia College. A small table of +fancy-goods was the result of my visit there. The money and promise of +goods that I received in Boston stimulated our friends in New York to such +a degree, that, in spite of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's doubts as to whether +we should cover the expenses, the fair realized a thousand dollars. Yet +this was not half sufficient to commence the proposed hospital; and I +therefore proposed to Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell that I should go on another +begging tour through New England, while she and her sister (Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who had arrived from England a week before the fair) should +arrange matters in New York, where they had more acquaintances than I. I +went for the second time to Boston in February, and met with unexpected +success; bringing back about six hundred dollars in cash, with promises of +a like sum for the ensuing two years. I had represented our scheme as a +three-years' experiment In the mean time, the Drs. Blackwell had hired a +large, old-fashioned house, No. 64, Bleeker Street, which we had looked at +together, and which was very well suited to our purpose, devoting the rest +of their time chiefly to endeavors to interest the Legislature in our +enterprise; the result of which was, that, though nothing was granted us +that spring, the next winter, when we could show our institution in +operation, the usual dispensary grant was extended to us. + +On the 3d of April, I returned from Boston, and almost immediately went to +work with some of our lady-managers to order beds and to furnish the +house and dispensary, and also to superintend the internal changes. After +five weeks of hard work, I had the pleasure, on the 15th of May, 1857, of +listening in the wards of the New-York Infirmary to the opening speeches +delivered by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, Dr. Elder, and Rev. Dudley Tyng. + +A few days afterwards, I admitted the first house-patient and opened the +dispensary, which I attended two days in the week; Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell taking charge of it for the remaining four days. I had +offered two years' gratuitous services as my contribution to the +Infirmary, remaining there not only as resident physician, but also as +superintendent of the household and general manager; and attending to my +private practice during the afternoon. The institution grew rapidly, and +the number of dispensary patients increased to such an extent, that the +time from seven in the morning until one in the afternoon was wholly +occupied in the examination of cases. In the second year of the existence +of the Infirmary the state of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's health compelled +her to go to Europe: and for nine months Dr. Emily Blackwell and I took +charge of the business, which at this time was considerable; the +attendance at the dispensary averaging sixty daily. + +During the course of this year, I received letters from some of the +Trustees of the New-England Female Medical College in Boston, inquiring +whether I were inclined to take charge of a hospital in connection with +that institution. A consultation on the subject with Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell seemed to prove to us, that by doing this, and helping the +college to attain its objects, we could probably best aid the cause of the +medical education of women. After hesitating for a long time what course +to pursue, I went to Boston in the spring of 1859, in order to define in a +public address my views and position in respect to the study of medicine. +I found so great a desire prevailing for the elevation of the institution +to the standard of the male medical colleges, and such enthusiasm in +respect to the proposed hospital, that I concluded at once to leave the +Infirmary; Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's absence having proved that it could +be sustained by two, not only without loss, but with a steady increase, +secured by the good done by its existence. Having fulfilled my promise of +two years to the institution, on the 5th of June, 1859, I left for +Boston, where I am now striving to make the hospital-department as useful +as the New-York Infirmary is to the public and the students. + +Now, my dear Mary, you may think me very long in my story, especially in +the latter part, of which you know much already; but I could not refrain +from writing fully of this part of my life, which has been the object of +all my undertakings, and for which I have borne trials and overcome +difficulties which would have crushed nine out of ten in my position. I do +not expect that this will be the end of my usefulness; but I do expect +that I shall not have to write to you any more of my doings. It was simply +in order that you, my friend, should understand me fully, and because you +have so often expressed a wish to know my life before we met, that I +finished this work. Now you have me externally and internally, past and +present: and although there have been many influences besides which have +made their impressions on my peculiar development, yet they are not of a +nature to be spoken of as facts; as, for instance, your friendship for me. + +On looking back upon my past life, I may say that I am like a fine ship, +that, launched upon high seas, is tossed about by the winds and waves, +and steered against contrary currents, until finally stranded upon the +shore, where, from the materials, a small boat is built, just strong +enough to reach the port into which it had expected to enter with proudly +swelling sails. But this ambition is entirely gone; and I care now very +little whether the people recognize what is in me or not, so long as the +object for which I have lived becomes a reality. + +And now, my good friend, I must add one wish before I send these last few +pages to you; namely, that I may be enabled some day to go with you to +Berlin, to show you the scenes in which my childhood and youth were +passed, and to teach you on the spot the difference between Europe and +America. All other inducements to return have vanished. The death of my +father during the last year severed the last tie that bound me to my +native place. Nearly all the men who aided in promoting my wishes have +passed away; and the only stimulus that now remains to revisit the home of +my youth is the wish to wander about there with you, and perhaps two or +three other of my American friends. Until this can be accomplished, I hope +to continue my present work in the New-England Female Medical College, +which, though by no means yet what we wish it to be, is deserving of +every effort to raise it to the stand that it ought to take among the +medical institutions of America. + +Yours with love, + +Marie E. Zakrzewska. +Boston, September, 1859. + + * * * * * + +The sweet, pure song has ended. Happy she who has been permitted to set +its clear, strong notes to music. I need not murmur that my own old +hand-organ grows useless, since it has been permitted to grind out the +_key_. Yet Marie's story is told so modestly, and with so much personal +reserve, that, for the sake of the women whom we are both striving to +help, I must be forgiven for directing the public attention to a few of +its points. + +In all respects, the "little blind doctor" of the story is the Marie +Zakrzewska that we know. The early anecdotes give us the poetic +impressibility and the enduring muscular fibre, that make themselves felt +through the lively, facile nature. The voice that ordered the fetters +taken off of crazy Jacob is the voice we still hear in the wards of the +hospital. But that poetic impressibility did not run wild with crazy +fancies when she was left to sleep on the floor of the dead-house: the +same strong sense controlled it that started the "tassel manufactory" in +New York, where it had been meant to open a physician's office. Only +thirteen years old when she left school, she had but little aid beside a +_steady purpose_ in preparing for her career. We hear of her slatternly +habits; but who would ever guess them, who remembers the quiet, tasteful +dress of later years? + +How free from all egotism is the record! The brain-fever which followed +her attendance on her two aunts is mentioned as quietly as if it were a +sprained foot. Who of us but can see the wearing-away of nervous energy +which took place with the perpetual care of a cancer and a somnambulist +pressed also by the hard reading suggested by Dr. Arthur Lütze? Berlin +educated the second La Chapelle; but it was for America, not Germany. The +dreadful tragedy of Dr. Schmidt's death is hardly dwelt upon long enough +to show its full effects, so fearful is our friend of intruding a personal +matter. + +When "Woman's Right to Labor" was printed, many persons expressed their +regret that so little was said about sin and destitution in Boston itself; +and many refused to believe that every pit-fall and snare open in the Old +World gaped as widely here. "You have only the testimony of the girls +themselves," they would reply, when I privately told them what I had not +thought it wise to print. I have never regretted yielding to the motives +which decided me to withhold much that I knew. "If they believe not Moses +and the prophets, neither would they believe though one rose from the +dead," said, of old, the divine voice; and the hearts that were not +touched by what I thought it fit to tell would never have been stirred to +energy by fuller revelations. + +In these pages, authenticated by a pure and cultivated woman, who holds a +high position among us, every fact at which I hinted is made plain; and +here no careless talker may challenge the record with impunity. Here, as +in New York, smooth-faced men go on board the emigrant-ship, or the +steerage of the long-expected steamer; here, as there, they make friendly +offers and tell plausible lies, which girls who have never walked the +streets of Berlin at night, nor seen the occupants of a hospital-ward at +the Charité, can hardly be expected to estimate at their just worth. The +stories which I have told of unknown sufferers are here repeated. The +grand-daughter of Krummacher marries a poor shoemaker to save herself from +vice, and poor German Mary drowns herself in the Hudson because she feels +herself a burden on a heartless brother. Better far to sink beneath its +waves than beneath the more remorseless flood which sweeps over all great +cities. Now, when the story of the Water-street cap-makers is told, to be +matched by many another in Boston itself, it is no longer some ignorant, +half-trained stranger who tells the story, but the capable, skilled woman, +who, educated for better things, made tassels and coiffures, and accepted +commissions in embroidery, till the merchants were convinced that here, +indeed, was a woman without reproach. Water-street merchants would do well +to remember hereafter that the possibilities of a Zakrzewska lie hidden in +every oppressed girl, and govern themselves accordingly. Think of this +accomplished woman, able to earn no more than thirty-six cents a day,--a +day sixteen hours long, which finished a dozen caps at three cents each! +What, then, must become of clumsy and inferior work-women? Think of it +long and patiently, till you come to see, as she bids you, the true +relation between the idleness of women and money in the Fifth Avenue and +the hunted squalor of women without money at the Five Points. Women of +Boston, the parallel stands good for you. Listen, and you may hear the +dull murmur of your own "Black Sea," as it surges against your gateway. + +Hasten to save those whom it has not yet overwhelmed Believe me that many +of them are as pure and good as the babes whom you cradle in cambric and +lace. If you will not save them, neither shall you save your own beloved +ones from the current which undermines like a "back-water" your costliest +churches, your most sacred homes. + +Caroline H. Dall. +Oct. 29, 1860. + + + +L'Envoi. + +"Unbarred be all your gates, and opened wide, +Till she who honors women shall come in!" + +Dante: Sonnet xx. + + + + +Footnotes + + + +[1] Pronounced Zak-shef-ska. + +[2] "The undersigned, Secretary of Legation of the United States of +America, certifies that Miss Marie Elizabeth Zakrzewska has exhibited to +him very strong recommendations from the highest professional authorities +of Prussia, as a scientific, practical, experienced _accoucheuse_ of +unusual talent and skill. She has been chief _accoucheuse_ in the Royal +Hospital of Berlin, and possesses a certificate of her superiority from +the Board of Directors of that institution. She has not only manifested +great talent as a practitioner, but also as a teacher; and enjoys the +advantage of a moral and irreproachable private character. She has +attained this high rank over many female competitors in the same branch; +there being more than fifty[A] in the city of Berlin who threaten, by +their acknowledged excellence, to monopolize the obstetric art." + +Theo. S. Fay. + +"Legation United States, Berlin, Jan. 26, 1853." + +[SEAL.] + + [A] "Upon inquiry, I find that, instead of fifty, there are one hundred + and ten female _accoucheuses_ in Berlin. + + "THEO. S. FAY." + +[3] Here I have to remark, that, not being able to speak English, I +conducted my business at the different stores either in German or French, +as I easily found some of the _employées_ who could speak one of these +languages. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Practical Illustration of Woman's +Right to Labor, by Marie E. 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Zakrzewska</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + + body { + margin .5em; + font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; + } + + h1, h2, h3, h4 { + text-align: center; + font-weight: bold; + font-variant: small-caps + } + + .smallcaps { font-variant: small-caps } + + a { text-decoration: none; } + a:hover { background-color: #ffffcc } + + div.chapter { + margin-top: 4em; + } + + hr { + height: 1px; + width: 80%; + } + + div.note { + border-style: dashed; + border-width: 1px; + border-color: #000000; + background-color: #ccffcc; + width: 80%; + font-size: .8em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + } + + div.chapter > div.note { + margin: 10px; + width: 40%; + float: right; + } + + div.note p { + margin: 10px 10px 10px 10px; + } + +--> +</style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Practical Illustration of Woman's Right +to Labor, by Marie E. Zakrzewska + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Practical Illustration of Woman's Right to Labor + A Letter from Marie E. Zakrzewska, M.D. Late of Berlin, Prussia + +Author: Marie E. Zakrzewska + +Release Date: February 24, 2004 [EBook #11270] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WOMAN'S RIGHT TO LABOR *** + + + + +Produced by Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + +<div class="note"><p>[<span class="smallcaps">Transcriber's Note:</span> Footnotes have been renumbered and moved to the end.]</p></div> + + +<div class="tp"> +<h1 class="title">A Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor;"</h1> + +<p align="center" class="smallcaps">or,</p> + +<h2 class="subtitle">A Letter from Marie E. Zakrzewska, M.D.<br /> +Late of Berlin, Prussia</h2> + +<h2 class="author">Edited By + +Caroline H. Dall,</h2> + +<h3>Author of "Woman's Right To Labor,"<br /> +"Historical Pictures Retouched," &c. &c.</h3> + + +<blockquote class="epi"><p> + "Whoso cures the plague,<br /> + Though twice a woman, shall be called a leech."</p> + +<p> "And witness: she who did this thing was born<br /> + To do it; claims her license in her work."</p> + +<p> Aurora Leigh.</p></blockquote> + + +<h3>1860.</h3> + +<h4>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by<br /> Walker, Wise, +and Co.<br /> + +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of +Massachusetts.</h4> +</div> + + +<div class="chapter" id="dedication"> +<p>To the Hon. Samuel E. Sewall, Faithful Always To "Women And Work," and One +of the Best Friends of The New-England Female Medical College, The Editor +Gratefully Dedicates This Volume.</p> + + + +<blockquote> +<p> "The men (who are prating, too, on their side) cry,<br /> + 'A woman's function plainly is ... to talk.'"</p> + +<p> "What<br /> + He doubts is, whether we can <i>do</i> the thing<br /> + With decent grace we've not yet done at all.<br /> + Now do it."</p> + +<p> "Bring your statue:<br /> + You have room."</p> + +<p> "None of us is mad enough to say<br /> + We'll have a grove of oaks upon that slope,<br /> + And sink the need of acorns."</p></blockquote> +</div> + + +<div class="chapter" id="preface"> +<h2>Preface.</h2> + + + +<p>It is due to myself to say, that the manner in which the Autobiography is +subordinated to the general subject in the present volume, and also the +manner in which it is <i>veiled</i> by the title, are concessions to the +modesty of her who had the best right to decide in what fashion I should +profit by her goodness, and are very far from being my own choice.</p> + +<p>Caroline H. Dall.</p> + +<p>49. Bradford Street, Boston,<br /> +Oct. 30, 1860.</p> +</div> + + +<div class="chapter" id="ch01"> +<h2>Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor"</h2> + + + +<p>It never happens that a true and forcible word is spoken for women, that, +however faithless and unbelieving women themselves may be, some noble men +do not with heart and hand attempt to give it efficiency.</p> + +<p>If women themselves are hard upon their own sex, men are never so in +earnest. They realize more profoundly than women the depth of affection +and self-denial in the womanly soul; and they feel also, with crushing +certainty, the real significance of the obstacles they have themselves +placed in woman's way.</p> + +<p>Reflecting men are at this moment ready to help women to enter wider +fields of labor, because, on the one side, the destitution and vice they +have helped to create appalls their consciousness; and, on the other, a +profane inanity stands a perpetual blasphemy in the face of the Most High.</p> + +<p>I do not exaggerate. Every helpless woman is such a blasphemy. So, indeed, +is every helpless man, where helplessness is not born of idiocy or +calamity; but society neither expects, provides for, nor defends, helpless +men.</p> + +<p>So it happened, that, after the publication of "Woman's Right to Labor," +generous men came forward to help me carry out my plans. The best printer +in Boston said, "I am willing to take women into my office at once, if you +can find women who will submit to an apprenticeship like men." On the same +conditions, a distinguished chemist offered to take a class of women, and +train them to be first-class apothecaries or scientific observers, as they +might choose. To these offers there were no satisfactory responses. "Yes," +said the would-be printers, "we will go into an office for six months; +but, by that time, our oldest sisters will be married, and our mothers +will want us at home."</p> + +<p>"An apprenticeship of six years!" exclaimed the young lady of a chemical +turn. "I should like to learn very much, so that I could be a chemist, <i>if +I ever had to</i>; but poison myself for six years over those 'fumes,' not +I." It is easy to rail against society and men in general: but it is very +painful for a woman to confess her heaviest obstacle to success; namely, +the <i>weakness of women</i>. The slave who dances, unconscious of degradation +on the auction-block, is at once the greatest stimulus and the bitterest +discouragement of the antislavery reformer: so women, contented in +ignominious dependence, restless even to insanity from the need of healthy +employment and the perversion of their instincts, and confessedly looking +to marriage for salvation, are at once a stimulus to exertion, and an +obstacle in our way. But no kind, wise heart will heed this obstacle. +Having spoken plain to society, having won the sympathy of men, let us see +if we cannot compel the attention of these well-disposed but thoughtless +damsels.</p> + +<p>"Six years out of the very bloom of our lives to be spent in the +printing-office or the laboratory!" exclaim the dismayed band; and they +flutter out of reach along the sidewalks of Beacon Street, or through the +mazes of the "Lancers."</p> + +<p>But what happens ten years afterward, when, from twenty-six to thirty, +they find themselves pushed off the <i>pavé</i>, or left to blossom on the +wall? Desolate, because father and brother have died; disappointed, +because well-founded hopes of a home or a "career" have failed; +impoverished, because they depended on strength or means that are +broken,--what have they now to say to the printing-office or the +apothecary's shop? They enter both gladly; with quick woman's wit, +learning as much in six months as men would in a year; but grumbling and +discontented, that, in competing with men who have spent their whole lives +in preparation, they can only be paid at half-wages. What does common +sense demand, if not that women should make thorough preparation for +trades or professions; and, having taken up a resolution, should abide by +all its consequences like men?</p> + +<p>Before cases like these my lips are often sealed, and my hands drop +paralyzed. Not that they alter God's truth, or make the duty of protest +against existing wrong any less incumbent: but they obscure the truth; +they needlessly complicate the duty.</p> + +<p>Perplexed and anxious, I have often felt that what I needed most was an +example to set before young girls,--an example not removed by superiority +of station, advantage of education, or unwonted endowment, beyond their +grasp and imitation.</p> + +<p>There was Florence Nightingale. But her father had a title: it was fair +to presume that her opportunities were titled also. All the girls I knew +wished they could have gone to the Crimea; while I was morally certain, +that the first amputation would have turned them all faint. There was +Dorothea Dix: she had money and time. It was not strange that she had +great success; for she started, a monomaniac in philanthropy, from the +summit of personal independence. Mrs. John Stuart Mill: had she ever +wanted bread? George Sand: the woman wasn't respectable. In short, +whomsoever I named, who had pursued with undeviating perseverance a worthy +career, my young friends had their objections ready. No one had ever been +so poor, so ill educated, so utterly without power to help herself, as +they; and, provoking as these objections were, I felt that they had force. +My young friends were not great geniuses: they were ordinary women, who +should enter the ordinary walks of life with the ordinary steadfastness +and devotion of men in the same paths; nothing more. What I wanted was an +example,--not too stilted to be useful,--a life flowing out of +circumstances not dissimilar to their own, but marked by a steady will, an +unswerving purpose. As I looked back over my own life, and wished I could +read them its lessons,--and I looked back a good way; for I was very +young, when the miserable destitution of a drunkard's wife, whom I +assisted, showed me how comfortable a thing it was to rest at the mercy of +the English common law,--as I looked back over my long interest in the +position of woman, I felt that my greatest drawback had been the want of +such an example. Every practical experiment that the world recorded had +been made under such peculiar circumstances, or from such a fortuitous +height, that it was at once rejected as a lesson.</p> + +<p>One thing I felt profoundly: as men sow they must reap; and so must women. +The practical misery of the world--its terrible impurity will never be +abated till women prepare themselves from their earliest years to enter +the arena of which they are ambitious, and stand there at last mature and +calm, but, above all, <i>thoroughly trained</i>; trained also at <i>the side of +the men</i>, with whom they must ultimately work; and not likely, therefore +to lose balance or fitness by being thrown, at the last moment, into +unaccustomed relations. A great deal of nonsense has been talked lately +about the unwillingness of women to enter the reading-room of the Cooper +Institute, where men also resort.</p> + +<p>"A woman's library," in any city, is one of the partial measures that I +deprecate: so I only partially rejoice over the late establishment of such +a library in New York. I look upon it as one of those half-measures which +must be endured in the progress of any desired reform; and, while I wish +the Cooper Institute and its reading-room God-speed with every fibre of my +consciousness, I have no words with which to express my shame at the +mingled hypocrisy and indelicacy of those who object to use it. What woman +stays at home from a ball because she will meet men there? What woman +refuses to walk Broadway in the presence of the stronger sex? What woman +refuses to buy every article of her apparel from the hands of a man, or to +let the woman's tailor or shoemaker take the measure of her waist or foot; +try on and approve her coiffure or bernouse?</p> + +<p>What are we to think, then, of the delicacy which shrinks from the +reading-room frequented by men; which discovers so suddenly that magazines +are more embarrassing than mazourkas; that to read in a cloak and hat +before a man is more indelicate than to waltz in his presence half denuded +by fashion?</p> + +<p>Of course, we are to have no patience with it, and to refuse utterly to +entertain a remonstrance so beneath propriety.</p> + +<p>The object of my whole life has been to inspire in women a desire for +<i>thorough training</i> to some special end, and a willingness to share the +training of men both for specific and moral reasons. Only by sharing such +training can women be sure that they will be well trained; only by +God-ordained, natural communion of all men and women can the highest moral +results be reached.</p> + +<p>"Free labor and free society:" I have said often to myself, in these two +phrases lies hidden the future purification of society. When men and women +go everywhere together, the sights they dare not see together will no +longer exist.</p> + +<p>Fair and serene will rise before them all heights of possible attainment; +and, looking off over the valleys of human endeavor together, they will +clear the forest, drain the morass, and improve the interval stirred by a +common impulse.</p> + +<p>When neither has any thing to hide from the other, no social duty will +seem too difficult to be undertaken; and, when the interest of each sex is +to secure the purity of the other, neither religion nor humanity need +despair of the result.</p> + +<p>It was while fully absorbed in thoughts and purposes like these, that, in +the autumn of 1856, I first saw Marie Zakrzewska.[<a href="#fn01">1</a>] During a short visit +to Boston (for she was then resident in New York), a friend brought her +before a physiological institute, and she addressed its members.</p> + +<p>She spoke to them of her experience in the hospital at Berlin, and showed +that the most sinning, suffering woman never passed beyond the reach of a +woman's sympathy and help. She had not, at that time, thoroughly mastered +the English language; though it was quite evident that she was fluent, +even to eloquence, in German. Now and then, a word failed her; and, with a +sort of indignant contempt at the emergency, she forced unaccustomed words +to do her service, with an adroitness and determination that I never saw +equalled. I got from it a new revelation of the power of the English +language. She illustrated her noble and nervous thoughts with incidents +from her own experience one of which was told in a manner which impressed +it for ever on my consciousness.</p> + +<p>"Soon after I entered the hospital," said Marie, "the nurse called me to a +ward where sixteen of the most forlorn objects had begun to fight with +each other. The inspector and the young physicians had been called to +them, but dared not enter the <i>mêlée</i>. When I arrived, pillows, chairs, +foot-stools and vessels had deserted their usual places; and one stout +little woman, with rolling eyes and tangled hair, lifted a vessel of +slops, which she threatened to throw all over me, as she exclaimed, 'Don't +dare to come here, you green young thing!'</p> + +<p>"I went quietly towards her, saying gently, 'Be ashamed, my dear woman, of +your fury.'</p> + +<p>"Her hands dropped. Seizing me by the shoulder she exclaimed, 'You don't +mean that you look on me as a woman?'</p> + +<p>"'How else?' I answered; while she retreated to her bed, all the rest +standing in the attitudes into which passion had thrown them.</p> + +<p>"'Arrange your beds,' I said; 'and in fifteen minutes let me return, and +find every thing right.' When I returned, all was as I had desired; every +woman standing at her bedside. The short woman was missing; but, bending +on each a friendly glance, I passed through the ward, which never gave me +any more trouble.</p> + +<p>"When, late at night, I entered my room, it was fragrant with violets. A +green wreath surrounded an old Bible, and a little bouquet rested upon +it. I did not pause to speculate over this sentimentality, but threw +myself weary upon the bed; when a light tap at the door startled me. The +short woman entered; and humbling herself on the floor, since she would +not sit in my presence entreated to be heard.</p> + +<p>"'You called me a woman,' she said, 'and you pity us. Others call us by +the name the world gives us. You would help us, if help were possible. All +the girls love you, and are ashamed before you; and therefore <i>I</i> hate +you--no: I will not hate you any longer. There was a time when I might +have been saved,--I and Joanna and Margaret and Louise. We were not bad. +Listen to me. If <i>you</i> say there is any hope, I will yet be an honest +woman.'</p> + +<p>"She had had respectable parents; and, when twenty years old, was deserted +by her lover, who left her three months pregnant. Otherwise kind, her +family perpetually reproached her with her disgrace, and threatened to +send her away. At last, she fled to Berlin; keeping herself from utter +starvation, by needlework. In the hospital to which she went for +confinement, she took the small-pox. When she came out, with her baby in +her arms, her face was covered with red blotches. Not even the lowest +refuge was open to her, her appearance was so frightful. With her baby +dragging at her empty breast, she wandered through the streets. An old hag +took pity on both; and, carefully nursed till health returned, her good +humor and native wit made those about her forget her ugly face. She was in +a brothel, where she soon took the lead. Her child died, and she once more +attempted to earn her living as a seamstress. She was saved from +starvation only by her employer, who received her as his mistress. Now her +luck changed: she suffered all a woman could; handled poison and the +firebrand. 'I thought of stealing,' she said, 'only as an amusement: it +was not exciting enough for a trade.'. She found herself in prison; and +was amused to be punished for a trifle, when nobody suspected her crime. +It was horrible to listen to these details; more horrible to witness her +first repentance.</p> + +<p>"When I thanked her for her violets, she kissed my hands, and promised to +be good.</p> + +<p>"While she remained in the hospital, I took her as my servant, and trusted +every thing to her; and, when finally discharged, she went out to service. +She wished to come with me to America. I could not bring her; but she +followed, and, when I was in Cleveland, inquired for me in New York."</p> + +<p>It will be impossible, for those who have not heard such stories from the +lips and in the dens of the sufferers, to feel as I felt when this dropped +from the pure lips of the lecturer. For the first time I saw a woman who +knew what I knew, felt what I felt, and was strong in purpose and power to +accomplish our common aim,--the uplifting of the fallen, the employment of +the idle, and the purification of society.</p> + +<p>I needed no farther introduction to Marie Zakrzewska. I knew nothing of +her previous history or condition; but when I looked upon her clear, broad +forehead, I saw "Faithful unto death" bound across it like a phylactery. I +did not know how many years she had studied; but I saw thoroughness +ingrained into her very muscle. I asked no questions of the clear, strong +gaze that pierced the assembly; but I felt very sure that it could be as +tender as it was keen. For the first time I saw a woman in a public +position, about whom I felt thoroughly at ease; competent to all she had +undertaken, and who had undertaken nothing whose full relations to her sex +and society she did not understand.</p> + +<p>I thanked God for the sight, and very little thought that I should see +her again. She came once more, and we helped her to establish the Women's +Infirmary in New York; again, and we installed her as Resident Physician +in the New-England Female Medical College.</p> + +<p>I had never felt any special interest in this college. I was willing it +should exist as one of the half-way measures of which I have spoken,--like +the reading-room in New York; but I was bent on opening the colleges which +already existed to women, and I left it to others to nurse the young life +of this. The first medical men, I felt assured, would never, in the +present state of public opinion, take an interest in a <i>female</i> college; +and I desired, above all things, to protect women from second-rate +instruction.</p> + +<p>But, when Marie Zakrzewska took up her residence in Springfield Street, it +was impossible to feel indifferent. Here was a woman born to inspire +faith; meeting all men as her equals till they proved themselves superior; +capable of spreading a contagious fondness for the study of medicine, as +Dr. Black once kindled a chemical enthusiasm in Edinburgh.</p> + +<p>Often did I ponder her past life, which had left significant lines on +face and form. We met seldom,--always with perfect trust. Whatever I might +have to say, I should have felt sure of being understood, if I had not +seen her for six months; nor could she have failed to find a welcome in my +heart for any words of hers.</p> + +<p>Then I heard the course of lectures which she delivered to ladies in the +spring of 1860. For the first time, I heard a woman speak of scientific +subjects in a way that satisfied me; nor should I have blushed to find +scientific men among her audience. I had felt, from the first, that her +life might do what my words never could: namely, inspire women with faith +to try their own experiments; give them a dignity, which should refuse to +look forward to marriage as an end, while it would lead them to accept it +gladly as a providential help. I did not fear that she would be untrue to +her vocation, or easily forsake it for a more domestic sphere. She had not +entered it, I could see, without measuring her own purpose and its use.</p> + +<p>It was with such feelings, and such knowledge of Marie, that in a private +conversation, last summer with Miss Mary L. Booth of New York, I heard +with undisguised pleasure that she had in her possession an autobiography +of her friend, in the form of a letter. I really longed to get possession +of that letter so intensely, that I dared not ask to see it: but I urged +Miss Booth to get consent to its publication; "for," I said, "no single +thing will help my work, I am convinced, so much."</p> + +<p>"I look forward to its publication," she replied, "with great delight: it +will be the sole labor of love, of my literary life. But neither you nor I +believe in reputations which death and posterity have not confirmed. What +reasons could I urge to Marie for its present publication?"</p> + +<p>"The good of her own sex," I replied, "and a better knowledge of the +intimate relations existing between free labor and a pure society. I know +nothing of our friend's early circumstances; but I cannot be mistaken in +the imprint they have left. This is one of those rare cases, in which a +life may belong to the public before it has closed."</p> + +<p>I returned to Boston. Later in the season, Miss Booth visited Dr. +Zakrzewska. Imagine my surprise when she came to me one day, and laid +before me the coveted manuscript. "It is yours," she said, "to publish if +you choose. I have got Marie's consent. She gave it very reluctantly; but +her convictions accord with yours, and she does not think she has any +right to refuse. As for me," Miss Booth continued, "I resign without +regret my dearest literary privilege, because I feel that the position you +have earned in reference to 'woman's labor' entitles you to edit it."</p> + +<p>In an interview which I afterwards held with Marie Zakrzewska, she gave me +to understand, that, had she been of American birth, she would never have +consented to the publication of her letter in her lifetime. "But," she +said, "I am a foreigner. You who meet me and sustain me are entitled to +know something of my previous history. Those whom I most loved are dead; +not a word of the record can pain them; not a word but may help some life +just now beginning. It will make a good sequel to 'Woman's Right to +Labor.'"</p> + +<p>"Only too good," I thought. "May God bless the lesson!"</p> + +<p>It was agreed between Miss Booth and myself, that the autobiography should +keep its original, simple form, to indicate how and why it was written: so +I invite my friends to read it at once with me. Here is something as +entertaining as a novel, and as useful as a treatise. Here is a story +which must enchant the conservative, while it inspires the reformer. The +somewhat hazy forms of Drs. Schmidt and Müller, the king's order to the +rebellious electors, the historic prestige of a Prussian locality,--all +these will lend a magic charm to the plain lesson which New York and +Boston need.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>New York, September, 1857.</p> + +<p>Dear Mary,</p> + +<p>It is especially for your benefit that I write these facts of my life. I +am not a great personage, either through inherited qualifications or the +work that I have to show to the world; yet you may find, in reading this +little sketch, that with few talents, and very moderate means for +developing them, I have accomplished more than many women of genius and +education would have done in my place, for the reason that confidence and +faith in their own powers were wanting. And, for this reason, I know that +this story might be of use to others, by encouraging those who timidly +shrink from the field of action, though endowed with all that is necessary +to enable them to come forth and do their part in life. The fact that a +woman of no extraordinary powers can make her way by the simple +determination, that whatever she can do she will do, must inspire those +who are fitted to do much, yet who do nothing because they are not +accustomed to determine and decide for themselves.</p> + +<p>I do not intend to weary you with details of my childhood, as I think that +children are generally very uninteresting subjects of conversation to any +except their parents, who naturally discover what is beautiful and +attractive in them, and appreciate what is said in correspondence with +their own feelings. I shall, therefore, only tell you a few facts of this +period of my life, which I think absolutely necessary to illustrate my +character and nature.</p> + +<p>I was born in Berlin, Prussia, on the 6th of September, 1829; and am the +eldest of a family of five sisters and one brother. My early childhood +passed happily, though heavy clouds of sorrow and care at times +overshadowed our family circle. I was of a cheerful disposition; and was +always in good humor, even when sick. I was quiet and gentle in all my +amusements: my chief delight consisting in telling stories to my sister, +one year younger than myself, who was always glad to listen to these +products of my imagination, which were wholly original; for no stories +were told me, nor had I any children's books. My heroes and heroines were +generally distinguished for some mental peculiarity,--being kind or +cruel, active or indolent,--which led them into all sorts of adventures +till it suited my caprice to terminate their career. In all our little +affairs, I took the lead, planning and directing every thing; while my +playmates seemed to take it for granted, that it was their duty to carry +out my commands.</p> + +<p>My memory is remarkable in respect to events that occurred at this time, +while it always fails to recall dates and names. When twenty years of age, +I asked my father what sort of a festival he took me to once, in company +with a friend of his with only one arm, when we walked through meadows +where daisies were blossoming in millions, and where we rode in carriages +that went round continually until they were wound up. My father answered, +with much surprise, that it was a public festival of the cabinet-makers, +which was celebrated in a neighboring village; and that I was, at that +time, only nineteen months old.</p> + +<p>He was so much interested in my story, that I related another of my +memories. One dark morning, my mother wakened me, and hastened my +dressing. After this was accomplished, she handed me a cup of something +which I had never tasted before, and which was as disagreeable as +assafoetida in later years. This was some coffee, which I had to take +instead of my usual milk. Then I went with my father to the large park +called Thiergarten, where we saw the sun rise. I began to spring about; +looking at the big oaks which seemed to reach into the heavens, or +stooping down to pluck a flower. Birds of all kinds were singing in +chorus, while the flower-beds surrounding the statue of Flora scented the +pure morning air with the sweetest of perfumes. The sun ascended, +meanwhile, from the edge of a little pond covered with water-lilies. I was +intoxicated with joy. The feeling of that morning is as fresh to-day as +when I related this to my father. I know I walked till I got fairly tired, +and we reached a solitary house beyond the park. Probably fatigue took +entire possession of me; for I remember nothing more till we were on our +way home, and the sun was setting. Then I begged for some large yellow +plums which I saw in the stores. My father bought some, but gave me only a +few; while I had a desire for all, and stole them secretly from his +pockets; so that, when we reached home, I had eaten them all. I was sick +after I went to bed, and remember taking some horrible stuff the next +morning (probably rhubarb); thus ending the day, which had opened so +poetically, in rather a prosaic manner. When I repeated this, my parents +laughed, and said that I was only twenty-six months old, when my father's +pride in his oldest child induced him to take me on this visit; when I +walked the whole way, which was about <i>nine miles</i>. These anecdotes are +worth preserving, only because they indicate an impressionable nature, and +great persistence of muscular endurance. It is peculiar, that between +these two events, and a third which occurred a year after, every thing +should be a blank.</p> + +<p>A little brother was then born to me, and lay undressed upon a cushion, +while my father cried with sobs. I had just completed my third year, and +could not understand why, the next day, this little thing was carried off +in a black box.</p> + +<p>From that time, I remember almost every day's life.</p> + +<p>I very soon began to manifest the course of my natural tendencies. Like +most little girls, I was well provided with dolls; and, on the day after a +new one came into my possession, I generally discovered that the dear +little thing was ill, and needed to be nursed and doctored. Porridges and +teas were accordingly cooked on my little toy stove, and administered to +the poor doll, until the <i>papier-mˆché</i> was thoroughly saturated and +broken; when she was considered dead, and preparations were made for her +burial,--this ceremony being repeated over and over again. White dresses +were put on for the funeral; a cricket was turned upside-down to serve as +the coffin; my mother's flower-pots furnished the green leaves for +decoration; and I delivered the funeral oration in praise of the little +sufferer, while placing her in the tomb improvised of chairs. I hardly +ever joined the other children in their plays, except upon occasions like +these, when I appeared in the characters of doctor, priest, and +undertaker; generally improving the opportunity to moralize; informing my +audience, that Ann (the doll) had died in consequence of disobeying her +mother by going out before she had recovered from the measles, &c. Once I +remember moving my audience to tears by telling them that little Ann had +been killed by her brother, who, in amusing himself with picking off the +dry skin after she had had the scarlatina, had carelessly torn off the +real skin over the heart, as they could see; thus leaving it to beat in +the air, and causing the little one to die. This happened after we had all +had the scarlatina.</p> + +<p>When five years old, I was sent to a primary school. Here I became the +favorite of the teacher of arithmetic; for which study I had quite a +fancy. The rest of the teachers disliked me. They called me unruly because +I would not obey arbitrary demands without receiving some reason, and +obstinate because I insisted on following my own will when I knew that I +was in the right. I was told that I was not worthy to be with my +playmates; and when I reached the highest class in the school, in which +alone the boys and girls were taught separately, I was separated from the +latter, and was placed with the boys by way of punishment, receiving +instructions with them from men, while the girls in the other class were +taught by women. Here I found many friends. I joined the boys in all their +sports; sliding and snow-balling with them in winter, and running and +playing ball in summer. With them I was merry, frank, and self-possessed; +while with the girls I was quiet, shy, and awkward. I never made friends +with the girls, or felt like approaching them.</p> + +<p>Once only, when I was eleven years old, a girl in the young ladies' +seminary in which I had been placed when eight years of age won my +affection. This was Elizabeth Hohenhorst, a child of twelve, remarkably +quiet, and disposed to melancholy. She was a devout Catholic; and, knowing +that she was fated to become a nun, was fitting herself for that dreary +destiny, which rendered her very sentimental She was full of fanciful +visions, but extremely sweet and gentle in her manners. My love for her +was unbounded. I went to church in her company, was present at all the +religious festivals, and accompanied her to receive religious instruction: +in short, I made up my mind to become a Catholic, and, if possible, a nun +like herself. My parents, who were Rationalists, belonging to no church, +gave me full scope to follow out my own inclinations; leaving it to my +nature to choose for me a fitting path. This lasted until Elizabeth went +for the first time to the confessional; and, when the poor innocent child +could find no other sin of which to speak than the friendship which she +cherished for a Protestant, the priest forbade her to continue this, until +I, too, had become a Catholic; reminding her of the holiness of her future +career. The poor girl conscientiously promised to obey. When I came the +next morning and spoke to her as usual, she turned away from me, and burst +into tears. Surprised and anxious, I asked what was the matter; when, in a +voice broken with sobs, she told me the whole story, and begged me to +become a Catholic as soon as I was fourteen years old. Never in my whole +life shall I forget that morning. For a moment, I gazed on her with the +deepest emotion, pitying her almost more than myself; then suddenly turned +coldly and calmly away, without answering a single word. My mind had +awakened to the despotism of Roman Catholicism, and the church had lost +its expected convert. I never went near her again, and never exchanged +another word with her. This was the only friend I had during eight and a +half years of uninterrupted attendance at school.</p> + +<p>A visit that I paid to my maternal grandfather, when seven or eight years +old, made a strong impression on my mind. My grandfather, on his return +from the war of 1813-15, in which he had served, had received from the +authorities of Prenzlau (the city in which he lived) a grant of a +half-ruined cloister, with about a hundred acres of uncultivated land +attached, by way of acknowledgment for his services. He removed thither +with his family; and shortly after invited the widows of some soldiers, +who lived in the city, to occupy the apartments which he did not need. The +habitable rooms were soon filled to overflowing with widows and orphans, +who went to work with him to cultivate the ground. It was not long before +crippled and invalid soldiers arrived, begging to be allowed to repair the +cloister, and to find a shelter also within its walls. They were set to +work at making brick, the material for which my grandfather had discovered +on his land: and, in about five years, an institution was built, the more +valuable from the fact that none lived there on charity, but all earned +what they needed by cultivating the ground; having first built their own +dwelling, which, at this time, looked like a palace, surrounded by trees, +grass, and flowers. Here, in the evening, the old soldiers sung martial +songs, or told stories of the wars to the orphans gathered about them, +while resting from the labors of the day.</p> + +<p>I tell you of this institution so minutely, to prove to you how wrong it +is to provide charitable homes for the poor as we provide them,--homes in +which the charity always humiliates and degrades the individual. Here you +have an instance in which poor crippled invalids and destitute women and +children established and supported themselves, under the guidance of a +clear-headed, benevolent man, who said, "Do what you like, but work for +what you need." He succeeded admirably, though he died a very poor man; +his younger children becoming inmates of the establishment, until they +were adopted by their relatives.</p> + +<p>When I visited my grandfather, the "convent," as he insisted on calling +it,--rejecting any name that would have indicated a charitable +institution,--contained about a hundred invalid soldiers, a hundred old +women, and two hundred and fifty orphans. One of the wings of the building +was fitted up as a hospital, and a few of the rooms were occupied by +lunatics. It was my greatest delight to take my grandfather's hand at +noon, as he walked up and down the dining-room, between the long tables, +around which were grouped so many cheerful, hearty faces; and I stood +before him with an admiration that it is impossible to describe, as he +prayed, with his black velvet cap in his hand, before and after dinner; +though I could not comprehend why he should thank another person for what +had been done, when every one there told me that all that they had they +owed to my grandfather.</p> + +<p>One afternoon, on returning from the dining-room to his study, I spied on +his desk a neatly written manuscript. I took it up, and began to read. It +was a dissertation on immortality, attempting by scientific arguments to +prove its impossibility. I became greatly interested, and read on without +noticing that my grandfather had left the room, nor that the large bell +had rung to call the family to dinner. My grandfather, a very punctual +man, who would never allow lingering, came back to call and to reprimand +me; when he suddenly started on seeing the paper in my hands, and, +snatching it from me, tore it in pieces, exclaiming, "That man is insane, +and will make this child so too!" A little frightened, I went to the +dinner-table, thinking as much about my grandfather's words as about what +I had read; without daring, however, to ask who this man was. The next +day, curiosity mastered fear. I asked my grandfather who had written that +paper; and was told, in reply, that it was poor crazy Jacob. I then begged +to see him; but this my grandfather decidedly refused, saying that he was +like a wild beast, and lay, without clothes, upon the straw. I knew +nothing of lunatics; and the idea of a wild man stimulated my curiosity to +such an extent, that, from that time, I teased my grandfather incessantly +to let me see Jacob, until he finally yielded, to be rid of my +importunity, and led me to the cell in which he was confined. What a +spectacle presented itself in the house that I had looked on as the abode +of so much comfort! On a bundle of straw, in a corner of a room, with no +furniture save its bare walls, sat a man, clad only in a shirt; with the +left hand chained to the wall, and the right foot to the floor. An +inkstand stood on the floor by his side; and on his knee was some paper, +on which he was writing. His hair and beard were uncombed, and his fine +eyes glared with fury as we approached him. He tried to rise, ground his +teeth, made grimaces, and shook his fist at my grandfather, who tried in +vain to draw me out of the room. But, escaping from his grasp, I stepped +towards the lunatic, who grew more quiet when he saw me approach; and I +tried to lift the chain, which had attracted my attention. Then, finding +it too heavy for me, I turned to my grandfather and asked, "Does not this +hurt the poor man?" I had hardly spoken the words when his fury returned, +and he shrieked,--</p> + +<p>"Have I not always told you that you were cruel to me? Must this child +come to convince you of your barbarity? Yes: you have no heart."</p> + +<p>I looked at my grandfather: all my admiration of him was gone; and I said, +almost commandingly,--"Take off these chains! It is bad of you to tie this +man!"</p> + +<p>The man grew calm at once, and asked imploringly to be set free; +promising to be quiet and tractable if my grandfather would give him a +trial. This was promised him: his chains were removed the same day; and +Jacob was ever after not only harmless and obedient, but also a very +useful man in the house.</p> + +<p>I never afterwards accompanied my grandfather. I had discovered a side in +his nature which repelled me. I spent the remainder of my visit in the +workrooms and the sickroom, always secretly fearing that I should meet +with some new cruelty; but no such instance ever came to my view.</p> + +<p>On my return from my grandfather's, I found that a cousin had suddenly +become blind. She was soon after sent to the ophthalmic hospital, where +she remained for more than a year; and, during this time, I was her +constant companion after school-hours. I was anxious to be useful to her; +and, being gentler than the nurse, she liked to have me wash out the +issues that were made in her back and arms. The nurse, who was very +willing to be relieved of the duty, allowed me to cleanse the eyes of the +girl next my cousin; and thus these cares were soon made to depend on my +daily visit. Child as I was, I could not help observing the carelessness +of the nurses, and their great neglect of cleanliness. One day, when the +head-nurse had washed the floor, leaving pools of water standing under the +beds, the under-nurse found fault with it, and said, "I shall tell the +doctor, when he comes, why it is that the patients always have colds." +"Do," said the head-nurse. "What do men understand of such matters? If +they knew any thing about them, they would long ago have taken care that +the mattress upon which one patient dies should always be changed before +another comes in." This quarrel impressed itself upon my memory; and the +wish rose in my mind, that some day I might be head-nurse, to prevent such +wrongs, and to show kindness to the poor lunatics.</p> + +<p>At the end of the year, my cousin left the hospital At the same time, +trouble and constant sickness fell upon our family. My father, who held +liberal opinions and was of an impetuous temperament manifested some +revolutionary tendencies, which drew upon him the displeasure of the +government and caused his dismissal, with a very small pension, from his +position as military officer. This involved us in great pecuniary +difficulties; for our family was large, and my father's income too small +to supply the most necessary wants; while to obtain other occupation for +the time was out of the question In this emergency, my mother determined +to petition the city government for admission to the school of midwives +established in Berlin, in order in this manner to aid in the support of +the family. Influential friends of my father secured her the election; and +she was admitted to the school in 1839, I being at that time ten years of +age.</p> + +<p>The education of midwives for Berlin requires a two years' course of +study, during six months of which they are obliged to reside in the +hospital, to receive instructions from the professors together with the +male students. My mother went there in the summer of 1840. I went to stay +at the house of an aunt, who wished my company; and the rest of the +children were put out to board together.</p> + +<p>In a few weeks, my eyes became affected with weakness, so that I could +neither read nor write; and I begged my mother to let me stay with her in +the hospital. She applied for permission to the director, and received a +favorable answer. I was placed under the care of one of the physicians +(Dr. Müller), who took a great fancy to me, and made me go with him +wherever he went while engaged in the hospital. My eyes being bandaged, he +led me by the hand, calling me his "little blind doctor." In this way I +was constantly with him, hearing all his questions and directions, which +impressed themselves the more strongly on my mind from the fact that I +could not see, but had to gain all my knowledge through hearing alone.</p> + +<p>One afternoon, when I had taken the bandage off my eyes for the first +time, Dr. Muller told me that there was a corpse of a young man to be seen +in the dead-house, that had turned completely green in consequence of +poison that he had eaten. I went there after my rounds with him: but +finding the room filled with relatives, who were busily engaged in +adorning the body with flowers, I thought that I would not disturb them, +but would wait until they had gone before I looked at it; and went +meanwhile through the adjoining rooms. These were all freshly painted. The +dissecting-tables, with the necessary apparatus, stood in the centre; +while the bodies, clad in white gowns, were ranged on boards along the +walls. I examined every thing; came back, and looked to my heart's content +at the poisoned young man, without noticing that not only the relatives +had left, but that the prosector had also gone away, after locking up the +whole building I then went a second time to the other rooms, and looked +again at every thing there; and at last, when it became dark and I could +not leave the house, sat down upon the floor, and went to sleep, after +knocking for half an hour at the door, in the hope that some passer might +hear.</p> + +<p>My mother, who knew that I had gone with Dr. Müller, did not trouble +herself about me until nine o'clock, when she grew uneasy at my stay; and, +thinking that he might have taken me to his rooms, went there in search of +me, but found that he was out, and that the doors were locked. She then +inquired of the people in the house whether they knew any thing about me, +and was told that they had last seen me going into the dead-house. Alarmed +at this intelligence, my mother hastened to the prosector, who unwillingly +went with her to the park in which the dead-house stood, assuring her all +the way that I could not possibly be there; when, on opening the door, he +saw me sitting close by, on the floor, fast asleep.</p> + +<p>In a few days after this adventure, I recovered the use of my eyes. As it +was at this time the summer vacation, in which I had no school-tasks, I +asked Dr. Müller for some books to read. He inquired what kind of books I +wanted. I told him, "Books about history;" upon which he gave me two huge +volumes,--The "History of Midwifery" and the "History of Surgery." Both +were so interesting that I read them through during the six weeks of +vacation; which occupied me so closely that even my friend Dr. Müller +could not lay hold of me when he went his morning and evening rounds. From +this time I date my study of medicine; for, though I did not continue to +read upon the subject, I was instructed in the no less important branch of +psychology by a new teacher, whom I found on my return to school at the +close of the summer vacation.</p> + +<p>To explain better how my mind was prepared for such teaching, I must go +back to my position in school. In both schools that I attended, I was +praised for my punctuality, industry, and quick perception. Beloved I was +in neither: on the contrary, I was made the target for all the impudent +jokes of my fellow-pupils; ample material for which was furnished in the +carelessness with which my hair and dress were usually arranged; these +being left to the charge of a servant, who troubled herself very little +about how I looked, provided that I was whole and clean. The truth was, I +often presented a ridiculous appearance; and once I could not help +laughing heartily at myself, on seeing my own face by accident in a +glass, with one braid of hair commencing over the right eye, and the other +over the left ear. I quietly hung a map over the glass to hide the +ludicrous picture, and continued my studies; and most likely appeared in +the same style the next day. My face, besides, was neither handsome, nor +even prepossessing; a large nose overshadowing the undeveloped features: +and I was ridiculed for my ugliness, both in school and at home, where an +aunt of mine, who disliked me exceedingly, always said, in describing +plain people, "Almost as ugly as Marie."</p> + +<p>Another cause arose to render my position at school still more +intolerable. In consequence of the loss of his position in the army, my +father could no longer afford to pay my school-bills; and was about, in +consequence, to remove me from school; when the principal offered to +retain me without pay, although she disliked me, and did not hesitate to +show it, any more than to tell me, whenever I offended her, that she would +never keep so ugly and naughty a child <i>without being paid for it</i>, were +it not for the sake of so noble a father.</p> + +<p>These conditions and harsh judgments made me a philosopher. I heard myself +called obstinate and wilful, only because I believed myself in the right, +and persisted in it. I felt that I was not maliciously disposed towards +any one, but wished well to all; and I offered my services not only +willingly, but cheerfully, wherever they could be of the least use; and +saw them accepted, and even demanded, by those who could not dispense with +them, though they shunned and ridiculed me the same as before. I felt that +they only sought me when they needed me: this made me shrink still more +from their companionship; and, when my sister did not walk home from +school with me, I invariably went alone.</p> + +<p>The idea that I might not wish to attach myself to playmates of this sort +never occurred to any one; but I was constantly reproached with having no +friends among my schoolfellows, and was told that no one could love so +disagreeable and repelling a child. This was a severe blow to my +affectionate nature; but I bore it calmly, consoling myself with the +thought that they were wrong,--that they did not understand me,--and that +the time would come, when they would learn that a great, warm heart was +concealed beneath the so-called repulsive exterior. But, however soothing +all this was for the time, a feeling of bitterness grew up within me. I +began to be provoked at my ugliness, which I believed to be excessive. I +speculated why parents so kind and good as mine should be deprived of +their means of support, merely because my father would not consent to +endure wrong and imposition. I was indignant at being told, that it was +only for my father's sake that I was retained in a school where I tried to +do my best, and where I always won the highest prizes; and I could not see +why, at home, I should be forced to do housework when I wanted to read, +while my brother, who wished to work, was compelled to study. When I +complained of this last grievance, I was told that I was a girl, and never +could learn much, but was only fit to become a housekeeper. All these +things threw me upon my own resources, and taught me to make the most of +every opportunity, custom and habit to the contrary notwithstanding.</p> + +<p>It was at this juncture that I found, on my return to school, the +psychologic instructor of whom I have spoken, in a newly engaged teacher +of history, geography, and arithmetic; all of which were my favorite +studies. With this man I formed a most peculiar friendship: he being +twenty years older than myself, and in every respect a highly educated +man; I, a child of twelve, neglected in every thing except in my +common-school education. He began by calling my attention to the +carelessness of my dress and the rudeness of my manners, and was the first +one who ever spoke kindly to me on the subject. I told him all my +thoughts; that I did not mean to be disagreeable, but that every one +thought that I could not be otherwise; that I was convinced that I was +good enough at heart; and that I had at last resigned myself to my +position, as something that could not be helped. My new friend lectured me +on the necessity of attracting others by an agreeable exterior and +courteous manners; and proved to me that I had unconsciously repelled them +by my carelessness, even when trying the most to please. His words made a +deep impression on me. I thanked him for every reproach, and strove to do +my best to gain his approbation. Henceforth my hair was always carefully +combed, my dress nicely arranged, and my collar in its place; and, as I +always won the first prizes in the school, two of the other teachers soon +grew friendly towards me, and began to manifest their preference quite +strongly. In a few months I became a different being. The bitterness that +had been growing up within me gradually disappeared; and I began to have +confidence in myself, and to try to win the companionship of the other +children. But a sudden change took place in my schoolmates, who grew +envious of the preference shown me by the teachers. Since they could no +longer ridicule me for the carelessness of my dress, they now began to +reproach me for my vanity, and to call me a coquette, who only thought of +pleasing through appearances. This blow was altogether too hard for me to +bear. I knew that they were wrong: for, with all the care I bestowed on my +dress, it was not half so fine as theirs; as I had but two calico dresses, +which I wore alternately, a week at a time, through the summer. I was +again repelled from them; and at noon, when the rest of the scholars went +home, I remained with my teacher-friend in the schoolroom, assisting him +in correcting the exercises of the pupils. I took the opportunity to tell +him of the curious envy that had taken possession of the girls; upon which +he began to explain to me human nature and its fallacies, drawing +inferences therefrom for personal application. He found a ready listener +in me. My inclination to abstract thought, combined with the unpleasant +experience I had had in life, made me an attentive pupil, and fitted me to +comprehend his reasoning in the broadest sense. For fifteen months, I thus +spent the noon-hour with him in the schoolroom; receiving lessons in and +reasoning upon concrete and abstract matters, that have since proved of +far more psychologic value to me than ten years of reading on the same +subjects could do. A strong attachment grew up between us: he became a +necessity to me, and I revered him like an oracle. But his health failed; +and he left the school at the end of these fifteen months, in a +consumption. Shortly after, he sent to the school for me one morning to +ask me to visit him on his deathbed. I was not permitted to leave the +class until noon; when, just as I was preparing to go, a messenger came to +inform the principal that he had died at eleven. This blow fell so heavily +upon me, that I wished to leave the school at once. I was forced to stay +three weeks longer, until the end of the quarter; when I left the +schoolroom on the 1st of April, 1843, at the age of thirteen years and +seven months, and never entered it again.</p> + +<p>On the same day that I quitted my school, an aunt, with whom I was a +favorite, was attacked with a violent hemorrhage from the lungs, and +wished me to come to stay with her. This suited my taste. I went; and, for +a fortnight, was her sole nurse.</p> + +<p>Upon my return home, my father told me, that, having quitted school, I +must now become a thorough housekeeper, of whom he might be proud; as this +was the only thing for which girls were intended by nature. I cheerfully +entered upon my new apprenticeship, and learned how to sweep, to scrub, to +wash, and to cook. This work answered very well as long as the novelty +lasted; but, as soon as this wore off, it became highly burdensome. Many a +forenoon, when I was alone, instead of sweeping and dusting, I passed the +hours in reading books from my father's library, until it grew so late, +that I was afraid that my mother, who had commenced practice, would come +home, and scold me for not attending to my work; when I would hurry to get +through, doing every thing so badly, that I had to hear daily that I was +good for nothing, and a nuisance in the world; and that it was not at all +surprising that I was not liked in school, for nobody could ever like or +be satisfied with me.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, my mother's practice gradually increased; and her generous and +kindly nature won the confidence of hundreds, who, wretchedly poor, found +in her, not only a humane woman, but a most skilful practitioner. The poor +are good judges of professional qualifications. Without the aid that +money can buy, without the comforts that the wealthy hardly heed, and +without friends whose advice is prompted by intelligence, they must depend +entirely upon the skill and humanity of those to whom they apply. Their +life and happiness are placed in the hands of the physician, and they +jealously regard the one to whom they intrust them. None but a good +practitioner can gain fame and praise in this class, which is thought so +easily satisfied. It is often said, "Oh! those people are poor, and will +be glad of any assistance." Far from it. There is no class so entirely +dependent for their subsistence upon their strength and health; these +constitute their sole capital, their stock in trade: and, when sick, they +anxiously seek out the best physicians; for, if unskilfully attended, they +may lose their all, their fortune, and their happiness.</p> + +<p>My mother went everywhere, both night and day; and it soon came to pass, +that when she was sent for, and was not at home, I was deputed to go in +search of her. In this way I gradually became a regular appendage to my +mother; going with her in the winter nights from place to place, and +visiting those whom she could not visit during the day. I remember that in +January, 1845, my mother attended thirty-five women in childbed,--the list +of names is still in my possession,--and visited from sixteen to +twenty-five daily, with my assistance. I do not think, that, during the +month, we were in bed for one whole night. Two-thirds of these patients +were unable to pay a cent. During these years, I learned all of life that +it was possible for a human being to learn. I saw nobleness in dens, and +meanness in palaces; virtue among prostitutes, and vice among so-called +respectable women. I learned to judge human nature correctly; to see +goodness where the world found nothing but faults, and also to see faults +where the world could see nothing but virtue. The experience thus gained +cost me the bloom of youth; yet I would not exchange it for a life of +everlasting juvenescence. To keep up appearances is the aim of every one's +life; but to fathom these appearances, and judge correctly of what is +beneath them, ought to be the aim of those who seek to draw true +conclusions from life, or to benefit others by real sympathy.</p> + +<p>One fact I learned, both at this time and afterwards; namely, that men +always sympathize with fallen and wretched women, while women themselves +are the first to raise and cast the stone at them. Why is this? Have not +women as much feeling as men? Why, women are said to be made up entirely +of feeling. How does it happen, then, that women condemn where men pity? +Do they do this in the consciousness of their own superior virtue? Ah, no! +for many of the condemning are no better than the condemned. The reason +is, that men know the world; that is, they know the obstacles in the path +of life, and that they draw lines to exclude women from earning an honest +livelihood, while they throw opportunities in their way to earn their +bread by shame. All men are aware of this: therefore the good as well as +the bad give pity to those that claim it. It is my honest and earnest +conviction, that the reason that men are unwilling for women to enter upon +public or business life is, not so much the fear of competition, or the +dread lest women should lose their gentleness, and thus deprive society of +this peculiar charm, as the fact that they are ashamed of the foulness of +life which exists outside of the house and home. The good man knows that +it is difficult to purify it: the bad man does not wish to be disturbed in +his prey upon society. If I could but give to all women the tenth part of +my experience, they would see that this is true; and would see, besides, +that only faith in ourselves and in each other is needed to work a +reformation. Let woman enter fully into business, with its serious +responsibilities and duties; let it be made as honorable and as profitable +to her as to men; let her have an equal opportunity for earning competence +and comfort,--and we shall need no other purification of society. Men are +no more depraved than women; or, rather, the total depravity of mankind is +a lie.</p> + +<p>From the time of my leaving school until I was fifteen years old, my life +was passed, as I have described, in doing housework, attending the sick +with my mother, and reading a few books of a scientific and literary +character. At the end of this time, a letter came from an aunt of my +mother's, who was ill, and whose adopted daughter (who was my mother's +sister) was also an invalid, requesting me to visit and nurse them. I went +there in the fall. This was probably the most decisive event of my life. +My great-aunt had a cancer that was to be taken out. The other was +suffering from a nervous affection, which rendered her a confirmed +invalid. She was a most peculiar woman, and was a clairvoyant and +somnambulist of the most decided kind. Though not ill-natured, she was +full of caprices that would have exhausted the patience of the most +enduring of mortals.</p> + +<p>This aunt of mine had been sick in bed for seven years with a nervous +derangement, which baffled the most skilful physicians who had visited +her. Her senses were so acute, that one morning she fell into convulsions +from the effect of distant music which she heard. None of us could +perceive it, and we fully believed that her imagination had produced this +result. But she insisted upon it; telling us that the music was like that +of the Bohemian miners, who played nothing but polkas. I was determined to +ascertain the truth; and really found, that, in a public garden one and a +half miles from her house, such a troop had played all the afternoon. No +public music was permitted in the city, because the magistrate had +forbidden it on her account.</p> + +<p>She never was a Spiritualist, though she frequently went into what is now +called a trance. She spoke, wrote, sang, and had presentiments of the +finest kind, in this condition,--far better than I have ever seen here in +America in the case of the most celebrated mediums.</p> + +<p>She even prescribed for herself with success, yet was not a Spiritualist. +She was a somnambulist; and, though weak enough when awake, threatened +several times to pull the house down, by her violence in this condition. +She had strength like a lion, and no man could manage her. I saw the same +thing in the hospital later. This aunt is now healthy; not cured by her +own prescriptions or the magnetic or infinitesimal doses of Dr. Arthur +Lutze, but by a strong emotion which took possession of her at the time of +my great-aunt's death. She is not sorry that she has lost all these +strange powers, but heartily glad of it. When she afterwards visited us in +Berlin, she could speak calmly and quietly of the perversion to which the +nervous system may become subject, if managed wrongly; and could not tell +how glad she was to be rid of all the emotions and notions she had been +compelled to dream out. Over-care and over-anxiety had brought this about; +and the same causes could again bring on a condition which the ancients +deemed holy, and which the psychologist treats as one bordering on +insanity.</p> + +<p>The old aunt was extremely suspicious and avaricious. Eight weeks after my +arrival, she submitted to an operation. The operating surgeon found me so +good an assistant, that he intrusted me often with the succeeding dressing +of the wound. For six weeks, I was the sole nurse of the two; going from +one room to the other both night and day, and attending to the household +matters beside, with no other assistant than a woman who came every +morning for an hour or two to do the rough work; while an uncle and a +boy-cousin were continually troubling me with their torn buttons, &c.</p> + +<p>I learned in this time to be cheerful and light-hearted in all +circumstances; going often into the anteroom to have a healthy, hearty +laugh. My surroundings were certainly any thing but inspiring. I had the +sole responsibility of the two sick women; the one annoying me with her +caprices, the other with her avarice. In one room, I heard fanciful +forebodings; in the other, reproaches for having used a teaspoonful too +much sugar. I always had to carry the key of the storeroom to the old +aunt, in order that she might be sure that I could not go in and eat bread +when I chose. At the end of six weeks, she died; and I put on mourning for +the only time in my life, certainly not through grief.</p> + +<p>Shortly after the death of my aunt, the attending physician introduced me +to a disciple of Hahnemann by the name of Arthur Lutze; who was, I think, +a doctor of philosophy,--certainly not of medicine. Besides being an +infinitesimal homeopathist this man was a devotee to mesmerism. He became +very friendly towards me, and supplied me with books; telling me that I +would not only make a good homeopathic physician, but also an excellent +medium for mesmerism, magnetism, &c. At all events, I was glad to get the +books, which I read industriously; while he constantly supplied me with +new ones, so that I had quite a library when he left the place, which he +did before my return. He, too, lived in Berlin, and inquired my residence; +promising to visit me there, and to teach me the art he practised.</p> + +<p>I remained with my aunt until late in the spring; when my health failed, +and I returned home. I was very ill for a time with brain-fever; but at +last recovered, and set to work industriously to search for information in +respect to the human body. Dr. Lutze kept his word: he visited me at my +home, gave me more books, and directed my course of reading. But my +father, who had become reconciled to my inclination to assist my mother, +was opposed to homoeopathy, and especially opposed to Dr. Arthur Lutze. He +even threatened to turn him out of the house, if I permitted him to visit +me again; and burned all my books, except one that I snatched from the +flames.</p> + +<p>From this time, I was resolved to learn all that I could about the human +system. I read all the books on the subject that I could get, and tried +besides to educate myself in other branches. My father was satisfied with +this disposition, and was glad to hear me propose to have a French teacher +in the house, both for my sake and for that of the other children. I +studied in good earnest by myself at the same time, going through the +usual discipline of German girls. I learned plain sewing, dress-making and +the management of the household; but was allowed to use my leisure time as +I pleased. When my sisters went skating, I remained at home to study; when +they went to balls and theatres, I was thought the proper person to stay +to watch the house. Having become so much older, I was now of great +assistance to my mother in her business. No one complained any longer of +my ugliness or my rudeness. I was always busy; and, when at liberty, +always glad to do what I could for others; and, though these years were +full of hardships, I consider them among the happiest of my life. I was as +free as it was possible for any German girl to be.</p> + +<p>My household duties, however, continued distasteful to me, much to the +annoyance of my father, who still contended that this was the only sphere +of woman. From being so much with my mother, I had lost all taste for +domestic life: any thing out of doors was preferable to the monotonous +routine of the household. I at length determined to follow my inclinations +by studying, in order to fit myself to become a practitioner of midwifery, +as is usual in Berlin. My father was satisfied, and pleased with this +idea, which opened the way to an independent respectable livelihood; for +he never really wished to have us seek this in marriage. My mother did not +like my resolution at all. She practised, not because she liked the +profession, but because in this way she obtained the means of being +independent and of aiding in the education of the children. I persisted, +however, in my resolution; and immediately took measures to carry it into +effect by going directly to Dr. Joseph Hermann Schmidt, the Professor of +Midwifery in the University and Schools for Midwives, and Director of the +Royal Hospital Charité; while my father, who for several years held the +position of a civil officer, made the application to the city magistrates +for me to be admitted as a pupil to the School for Midwives in which my +mother had been educated. In order to show the importance of this step, it +is necessary to explain more fully the history and organization of the +school.</p> + +<p>About 1735, Justina Ditrichin (the wife of Siegemund, a distinguished +civil officer of Prussia) was afflicted with an internal disease which +baffled the skill of the midwives, who had pronounced her pregnant, and +none of whom could define her disorder. After many months of suffering, +she was visited by the wife of a poor soldier, who told her what ailed +her; in consequence of which, she was cured by her physicians. This +circumstance awakened in the mind of the lady an intense desire to study +midwifery; which she did, and afterwards practised it with such success, +that, in consequence of her extensive practice, she was obliged to confine +herself solely to irregular cases. She performed all kinds of operations +with masterly skill, and wrote the first book on the subject ever +published in Germany by a woman. She was sent for from all parts of +Germany, and was appointed body-physician of the Queen, and the ladies of +the court, of Prussia and Mark Brandenburg. Through her influence, schools +were established, in which women were instructed in the science and the +art of obstetrics. She also taught many herself; and a very successful and +respectable practice soon grew up among women. After her death, however, +this was discountenanced by the physicians, who brought it into such +disrepute by their ridicule, that the educated class of women withdrew +from the profession, leaving it in the hands of ignorant pretenders, who +continued to practise it until 1818; when public attention was called to +the subject, and strict laws were enacted, by which women were required to +call in a male practitioner in every irregular case of confinement, under +penalty of from one to twenty years of imprisonment, and the forfeiture of +the right to practise. These laws still continue in force; and a +remarkable case is recorded by Dr. Schmidt of a woman, who, feeling her +own competency to manage a case committed to her care, <i>did not</i> send for +a male physician as the law required. Although it was fully proved that +she had done every thing that could have been done in the case, her +penalty was imprisonment for twenty years. Two other cases are quoted by +Dr. Schmidt, in which male practitioners were summoned before a legal +tribunal, and it was proved that they <i>had not</i> done that which was +necessary; yet their penalty was no heavier than that inflicted on the +woman, who had done exactly what she ought.</p> + +<p>At this time (1818), it was also made illegal for any woman to practise +who had not been educated. This brought the profession again into repute +among women of the higher classes. A school for midwives, supported by +the government, was established in Berlin, in which women have since +continued to be educated for practice in this city and in other parts of +Prussia. Two midwives are elected each year, by a committee, from the +applicants, to be educated for practice in Berlin; and, as they have to +study two years, there are always four of these students in the school, +two graduating every year. The remainder of the students are from the +provincial districts. To be admitted to this school is considered a stroke +of good fortune; as there are generally more than a hundred applicants, +many of whom have to wait eight or ten years before they are elected. +There is, besides, a great deal of favoritism; those women being generally +chosen who are the widows or wives of civil officers or physicians; to +whom this chance of earning a livelihood is given, in order that they may +not become a burden on the government. Though educated apart from the male +students while studying the theory of midwifery, they attend the +accouchement-ward together, and receive clinical or practical instruction +in the same class, from the same professor.</p> + +<p>The male students of medicine are admitted to the university at the age of +eighteen; having first been required to go through a prescribed course of +collegiate study, and to pass the requisite examination. Here they attend +the lectures of various professors, often of four or five upon the same +subject, in order to learn how it is treated from different points of +view. Then, after having thus studied for a certain length of time, they +present themselves for an examination by the professors of the university, +which confers upon them the title of "M.D.," without the right to +practise. They are then obliged to prepare for what is called the State's +examination, before a Board of the most distinguished men in the +profession appointed to this place by the government: these also +constitute the medical court. Of this number, Dr. Schmidt was one.</p> + +<p>Dr. Schmidt approved my resolution, and expressed himself warmly in favor +of it. He also recommended to me a course of reading, to be commenced at +once, as a kind of preliminary education; and, although he had no +influence with the committee of the city government who examined and +elected the pupils, he promised to call upon some of them, and urge my +election. But, despite his recommendation and my father's position as +civil officer, I received a refusal, on the grounds that I was much too +young (being only eighteen), and that I was unmarried. The latter fault I +did not try to remove; the former I corrected daily; and, when I was +nineteen, I repeated my application, and received the same reply. During +this time, Dr. Schmidt became more and more interested in me personally. +He promised that he would do all in his power to have me chosen the next +year; while, during this time, he urged me to read and study as much as +possible, in order to become fully acquainted with the subject. As usual, +I continued to assist my mother in visiting her patients, and thus had a +fine opportunity for explaining to myself many things which the mere study +of books left in darkness. In fact, these years of preliminary practical +study were more valuable to me than all the lectures that I ever listened +to afterwards. Full of zeal and enthusiasm, and stimulated by a friend +whose position and personal acquirements inspired me with reverence and +devotion, I thought of nothing else than how to prepare myself in such a +way that I should not disappoint him nor those to whom he had commended +me. Dr. Schmidt was consumptive, and almost an invalid; often having to +lecture in a reclining position. The author of many valuable medical +works, and director of the largest hospital in Prussia (the Charité of +Berlin), he found a most valuable assistant in his wife,--one of the +noblest women that ever lived. She was always with him, except in the +lecture-room; and almost all of his works are said to have been written by +her from his dictation. This had inspired him with the highest possible +respect for women. He had the utmost faith in their powers when rightly +developed, and always declared their intellectual capacity to be the same +with that of men. This belief inspired him with the desire to give me an +education superior to that of the common midwives; and, at the same time, +to reform the school of midwives by giving to it a professor of its own +sex. To this position he had in his own mind already elected me; but, +before I could take it, I had to procure a legitimate election from the +city to the school as pupil; while, during my attendance he had to +convince the government of the necessity of such a reform, as well as to +bring over the medical profession: which was not so easily done; for many +men were waiting already for Dr. Schmidt's death in order to obtain this +very post, which was considered valuable.</p> + +<p>When I was twenty, I received my third refusal. Dr. Schmidt, whose health +was failing rapidly, had exerted himself greatly to secure my admission; +and the medical part of the committee had promised him that they would +give me their vote: but some theological influence was set to work to +elect one of the deaconesses in my stead, that she might be educated for +the post of superintendent of the lying-in ward of the hospital, which was +under Dr. Schmidt's care. She also was rejected, in order not to offend +Dr. Schmidt; but for this he would not thank them. No sooner had I carried +him the letter of refusal than he ordered his carriage, and, proceeding to +the royal palace, obtained an audience of the king; to whom he related the +refusal of the committee to elect me, on the ground that I was too young +and unmarried, and entreated of him a cabinet order which should compel +the city to admit me to the school; adding, that he saw no reason why +Germany, as well as France, should not have and be proud of a La Chapelle. +The king, who held Dr. Schmidt in high esteem, gave him at once the +desired order; and I became legally the student of my friend: though his +praise procured me intense vexation; for my name was dropped entirely, and +I was only spoken of as La Chapelle the Second; which would by no means +have been unpleasant had I earned the title; but to receive it sneeringly +in advance, before having been allowed to make my appearance publicly, was +indeed unbearable.</p> + +<p>On the third day after his visit to the king, Dr. Schmidt received me into +the class, and introduced me to it as his future assistant teacher. This +announcement was as surprising to me as to the class; but I took it +quietly, thinking that, if Dr. Schmidt did not consider me fit for the +place, he would not risk being attacked for it by the profession <i>en +masse</i>, by whom he was watched closely.</p> + +<p>On the same day, a little incident occurred which I must mention. In the +evening, instead of going alone to the class for practical instruction, I +accompanied Dr. Schmidt at his request. We entered the hall where his +assistant, the chief physician, had already commenced his instructions. +Dr. Schmidt introduced me to him as his private pupil, to whom he wished +him to give particular attention; ending by giving my name. The physician +hurriedly came up to me, and grasped my hand, exclaiming, "Why, this is my +little blind doctor!" I looked at him, and recognized the very Dr. Müller +with whom I used to make the rounds of the hospital when twelve years old, +and who had since risen to the position of chief physician. This +rencontre, and the interest that he manifested afterwards greatly +relieved Dr. Schmidt, who had feared that he would oppose me, instead of +giving me any special aid. During this winter's study, I spent the most of +the time in the hospital, being almost constantly at the side of Dr. +Schmidt. I certainly made the most of every opportunity; and I scarcely +believe it possible for any student to learn more in so short a time than +I did during this winter. I was continually busy; acting even as nurse, +whenever I could learn any thing by it. During the following summer, I was +obliged to reside wholly in the hospital; this being a part of the +prescribed education. Here I became acquainted with all the different +wards, and had a fine opportunity to watch the cases by myself. In the +mean time, Dr. Schmidt's illness increased so rapidly, that he feared to +die before his plans in respect to me had been carried out; especially as +the state of his health had compelled him to give up his position as Chief +Director of the Hospital Charité. His design was to make me chief +accoucheuse in the hospital, and to surrender into my hands his position +as professor in the School for Midwives, so that I might have the entire +charge of the midwives education. The opposition to this plan was +twofold: firstly, the theological influence that sought to place the +deaconess (Sister Catherine) in the position of house-midwife; and, +secondly, the younger part of the profession, many of whom were anxious +for the post of professor in the School for Midwives, which never would +have been suffered to fall into the hands of Sister Catherine. Dr. +Schmidt, however, was determined to yield to neither. Personal pride +demanded that he should succeed in his plan; and several of the older and +more influential members of the profession took his part, among whom were +Johannes Müller, Busch, Müller, Kilian, &c. During the second winter, his +lecturing in the class was only nominal; often nothing more than naming +the heads of the subjects, while I had to give the real instruction. His +idea was to make me feel the full responsibility of such a position, and, +at the same time, to give me a chance to do the work that he had declared +me pre-eminently capable of doing. This was an intrigue; but he could not +have it otherwise. He did not intend that I should perform his duty for +his benefit, but for my own. He wished to show to the government the fact +that I had done the work of a man like himself, and done it well; and +that, if he had not told them of his withdrawal, no one would have +recognized his absence from the result.</p> + +<p>At the close of this term, I was obliged to pass my examination at the +same time with the fifty-six students who composed the class. Dr. Schmidt +invited some of the most prominent medical men to be present, besides +those appointed as the examining committee. He informed me of this on the +day before the examination, saying, "I want to convince them that you can +do better than half of the young men at <i>their</i> examination."</p> + +<p>The excitement of this day I can hardly describe. I had not only to appear +before a body of strangers, of whose manner of questioning I had no idea, +but also before half a dozen authorities in the profession, assembled +especially for criticism. Picture to yourself my position: standing before +the table at which were seated the three physicians composing the +examining committee, questioning me all the while in the most perplexing +manner, with four more of the highest standing on each side,--making +eleven in all; Dr. Schmidt a little way off, anxious that I should prove +true all that he had said in praise of me; and the rest of the class in +the background, filling up the large hall. It was terrible. The trifling +honor of being considered capable was rather dearly purchased. I went +through the whole hour bravely, without missing a single question; until +finally the clock struck twelve, when every thing suddenly grew black +before my eyes, and the last question sounded like a humming noise in my +ear. I answered it--how I know not,--and was permitted to sit down and +rest for fifteen minutes before I was called to the practical examination +on the manikin. I gave satisfaction to all, and received the diploma of +the first degree. This by no means ended the excitement. The students of +the year were next examined. This examination continued for a week; after +which the diplomas were announced, when it was found that never before had +there been so many of the first degree, and so few of the third. Dr. +Schmidt then made it known that this was the result of my exertions, and I +was pronounced <i>a very capable woman</i>.</p> + +<p>This acknowledgment having been made by the medical men present at the +examination, Dr. Schmidt thought it would be an easy matter to get me +installed into the position for which I had proved myself capable. But +such could not be the case in a government ruled by hypocrisy and +intrigue. To acknowledge the capability of a woman did not by any means +say that she was at liberty to hold a position in which she could exercise +this capability. German men are educated to be slaves to the government: +positive freedom is comprehended only by a few. They generally struggle +for a kind of negative freedom; namely, for themselves: for each man, +however much he may be inclined to show his subserviency to those superior +in rank, thinks himself the lord of creation; and, of course, regards +woman only as his appendage. How can this lord of creation, being a slave +himself, look upon the <i>free development</i> and <i>demand of recognition</i> of +his appendage otherwise than as a nonsense, or usurpation of his exclusive +rights? And among these lords of creation I heartily dislike that class +which not only yield to the influence brought upon them by government, but +who also possess an infinite amount of narrowness and vanity, united to as +infinite servility to money and position. There is not ink and paper +enough in all the world to write down the contempt I feel for men in whose +power it is to be free in thought and noble in action, and who act to the +contrary to feed their ambition or their purses. I have learned, perhaps, +too much of their spirit for my own good.</p> + +<p>You can hardly believe what I experienced, in respect to intrigue, within +the few months following my examination. All the members of the medical +profession were unwilling that a woman should take her place on a level +with them. All the diplomatists became fearful that Dr. Schmidt intended +to advocate the question of "woman's rights;" one of them exclaiming one +evening, in the heat of discussion, "For Heaven's sake! the Berlin women +are already wiser than all the men of Prussia: what will become of us if +we allow them to manifest it?" I was almost forgotten in the five months +during which the question was debated: it became more than a matter of +personal intrigue. The real question at stake was, "How shall women be +educated, and what is their true sphere?" and this was discussed with more +energy and spirit than ever has been done here in America.</p> + +<p>Scores of letters were written by Dr. Schmidt to convince the government +that a woman could really be competent to hold the position in question, +and that I had been pronounced so by the whole Faculty. The next objection +raised was that my father was known as holding revolutionary principles; +and to conquer this, cost a long discussion, with many interviews of the +officials with my father and Dr. Schmidt. The next thing urged was that I +was much <i>too young</i>; that it would be necessary, in the course of my +duties, to instruct the young men also; and that there was danger in our +thus being thrown together. In fact, this reason, read to me by Dr. +Schmidt from one of the letters written at this time (all of which are +still carefully preserved), runs thus: "To give this position to Miss M. +E. Zakrzewska is dangerous. She is a prepossessing young lady; and, from +coming in contact with so many gentlemen, must necessarily fall in love +with some one of them, and thus end her career." To this I have only to +reply, that I am sorry that I could not have found <i>one</i> among them that +could have made me follow the suggestion. This objection however, seemed +for a while the most difficult to be met: for it was well known, that, +when a student myself, I had stood on the most friendly terms with my +fellow-students, and that they had often taken my part in little +disturbances that naturally came up in an establishment where no one was +permitted to enter or to leave without giving a reason, and where even my +private patients were sent away at the door because I did not know of +their coming, and could not announce to the doorkeeper the name and +residence of those who might possibly call.</p> + +<p>That this difficulty was finally conquered, I have to thank the students +themselves. My relation with these young men was of the pleasantest kind. +They never seemed to think that I was not of their sex, but always treated +me like one of themselves. I knew of their studies and their amusements; +yes, even, of the mischievous pranks that they were planning both for +college and for social life. They often made me their confidante in their +private affairs, and were more anxious for my approval or forgiveness than +for that of their relatives. I learned, during this time, how great is the +friendly influence of a woman even upon fast-living and licentious young +men; and this has done more to convince me of the necessity that the two +sexes should live together from infancy, than all the theories and +arguments that are brought to convince the mass of this fact. As soon as +it became known among the students that my youth was the new objection, +they treated it in such a manner that the whole thing was transformed into +a ridiculous bugbear, growing out of the imagination of the <i>virtuous</i> +opposers.</p> + +<p>Nothing now seemed left in the way of my attaining to the position; when +suddenly it dawned upon the mind of some that I was irreligious; that +neither my father nor my mother attended church; and that, under such +circumstances, I could not, of course, be a church-goer. Fortunately, I +had complied with the requirements of the law, and could therefore bring +my certificate of confirmation from one of the Protestant churches. By the +advice of Dr. Schmidt, I commenced to attend church regularly, and +continued until a little incident happened which I must relate here. One +Sunday, just after the sermon was over, I remembered that I had forgotten +to give instructions to the nurse in respect to a patient, and left the +church without waiting for the end of the service. The next morning, I was +summoned to answer to the charge of leaving the church at an improper +time. The inquisitor (who was one of those who had accused me of +irreligion), being vexed that I contradicted him by going to church +regularly, was anxious to make me confess that I did not care for the +service: but I saw through his policy as well as his hypocrisy, and simply +told him the truth; namely, that I had forgotten important business, and +therefore thought it excusable to leave as soon as the sermon was over. +Whether he sought to lure me on to further avowals, I know not: but, +whatever was his motive, he asked me, in reply, whether I believed that +he cared for the humdrum custom of church-going and whether I thought him +imbecile enough to consider this as any thing more than the means by which +to keep the masses in check; adding, that it was the duty of the +intelligent to make the affair respectable by setting the example of going +themselves; and that he only wished me to act on this principle, when all +accusations of irreligion would fall to the ground. I had always known +that this man was not my friend: but, when I heard this, I felt +disenchanted with the whole world; for I had never thought him more than a +hypocrite, whereas I found him the meanest of Jesuits, both in theory and +practice. I was thoroughly indignant; the more so, since I felt guilty +myself in going to church simply to please Dr. Schmidt. I do not remember +what answer I gave; but I know that my manners and words made it evident +that I considered him a villain. He never forgave me this, as all his +future acts proved to me: for, in his position of chief director of the +hospital, he had it in his power, more than any one else, to annoy me; and +that he did so, you will presently see.</p> + +<p>The constant opposition and attendant excitement together with the +annoyances which my father, as civil officer, had to endure, made him +resolve to present a declaration to the government, that I should never, +with his consent, enter the position. He had become so tired of my efforts +to become a public character in my profession, that he suddenly conceived +the wish to have me married Now, take for a moment into consideration the +facts that I was but twenty-two years of age, full of sanguine enthusiasm +for my vocation, and strong in the friendship of Dr. Schmidt. He had +inspired me with the idea of a career different from the common routine of +domestic life. My mother, overcoming her repugnance to my entering my +profession, had been my best friend, encouraging me steadily; while my +father, yielding to the troubles that it involved, had become disgusted +with it, and wished me to abandon my career. He was stern, and would not +take back his word. I could do nothing without his consent; while Dr. +Schmidt had finally overcome all difficulties, and had the prospect of +victory if my father would but yield. A few weeks of this life were +sufficient to drive one mad, and I am sure that I was near becoming so. I +was resolved to run away from home or to kill myself while my father was +equally resolved to marry me to a man of whom I did not know the sight. +Matters finally came to a crisis through the illness of Dr. Schmidt, +whose health failed so rapidly, that it was thought dangerous to let him +be longer excited by the fear of not realizing his favorite scheme. Some +of his medical advisers influenced the government to appeal to my father +to withdraw his declaration; which, satisfied with the honor thus done +him, he did on the 1st of May, 1852. On the 15th of May, I received my +legal instalment to the position for which Dr. Schmidt had designed me. +The joy that I felt was great beyond expression. A youthful enthusiast of +twenty-two, I stood at the height of my wishes and expectations. I had +obtained what others only could obtain after the protracted labor of half +a lifetime; and already I saw myself in imagination occupying the place of +Dr. Schmidt's aspirations,--that of a German La Chapelle. No one, that has +not passed at the same age through the same excitement, can ever +comprehend the fulness of my rejoicing, which was not wholly selfish; for +I knew that nothing in the world would please Dr. Schmidt so much as this +victory. The wildest joy of an accepted suitor is a farce compared to my +feelings on the morning of that 15th of May. I was reconciled to my +bitterest opponents: I could even have thanked them for their opposition, +since it had made the success so much the sweeter. Not the slightest +feeling of triumph was in my heart; all was happiness and rejoicing: and +it was in this condition of mind and heart that I put on my bonnet and +shawl to carry the good news to Dr. Schmidt. Without waiting to be +announced, I hastened to his parlor, where I found him sitting with his +wife upon the sofa. I did not walk, but flew, towards them, and threw the +letter upon the table, exclaiming "There is the victory!" Like a +conflagration my joy spread to Dr. Schmidt as well as to his wife, who +thought that she saw in these tidings a cup of new life for her husband. I +only staid long enough to accept their congratulations. Dr. Schmidt told +me to be sure to come the next morning to enter legally upon my duties at +his side. Meanwhile, he gave me a vacation for the afternoon to see my +friends and carry them the news. He saw that I needed the open air, and +felt that he, too, must have it to counteract his joy. I went to tell my +father and several friends, and spent the day in blissful ignorance of the +dreadful event that was transpiring.</p> + +<p>The next morning, at seven o'clock, I left home to go to my residence in +the hospital. I had not slept during the night: the youthful fire of +enthusiasm burnt too violently to allow me any rest. The old doorkeeper +opened the door for me, and gazed at me with an air of surprise. "What is +the matter?" I asked. "I am astonished to see you so cheerful," said he. +"Why?" I asked with astonishment. "Don't you know that Dr. Schmidt is +dead?" was the answer. Dr. Schmidt dead! I trembled; I staggered; I fell +upon a chair. The beautiful entrance-hall, serving also as a greenhouse +during the winter, filled in every place with flowers and tropical fruit, +faded from my eyes; and in its stead I saw nothing but laughing faces, +distorted with scorn and mockery. A flood of tears cooled the heat of my +brain, and a calmness like that of death soon took possession of me. I had +fallen from the topmost height of joy and happiness to the profoundest +depth of disappointment and despair. If there were nothing else to prove +the strength of my mind, the endurance of this sudden change would be +sufficient.</p> + +<p>I went at once to Dr. Schmidt's residence in the Hospital Park, where I +met him again, not as I had expected an hour before, ready to go with me +to the hospital-department which I was henceforth to superintend, but a +corpse. After I had left the day before, he had expressed a wish to go +into the open air, he being not much less excited than myself. Mrs. +Schmidt ordered the carriage, and they drove to the large park. He talked +constantly and excitedly about the satisfaction that he felt in this +success, until they arrived; when he wished to get out of the carriage, +and walk with his wife. Mrs. Schmidt consented; but they had scarcely +taken a few steps when he sank to the ground, and a gush of blood from his +mouth terminated his existence.</p> + +<p>I left Dr. Schmidt's house, and entered alone into the wards, where I felt +that I was without friendly encouragement and support. During the three +days that intervened before the burial of Dr. Schmidt, I was hardly +conscious of any thing, but moved about mechanically like an automaton. +The next few days were days of confusion; for the death of Dr. Schmidt had +left so many places vacant that some fifty persons were struggling to +obtain some one of his offices. The eagerness, servility, and meanness +which these educated men displayed in striving to conquer their rivals was +more than disgusting. The serpents that lie in wait for their prey are +endurable; for we know that it is their nature to be cunning and +relentless: but to see men of intellect and education sly and snaky, +ferocious, yet servile to the utmost, makes one almost believe in total +depravity. The most of these men got what they deserved; namely, nothing: +the places were filled temporarily with others, and every thing went on +apparently as before. My position soon became very disagreeable. I had +received my instalment, not because I was wanted by the directors of the +hospital, but because they had been commanded by the government to accept +me in the hope of thus prolonging the life of Dr. Schmidt. Young and +inexperienced in petty intrigue, I had now to work without friendly +encouragement and appreciation, with no one about me in whom I had a +special interest; while every one was regretting that the instalment had +been given me before Dr. Schmidt's death, which might have happened just +as well from some other excitement, in an establishment where three +thousand people were constantly at war about each other's affairs. I +surveyed the whole arena, and saw very well, that, unless I practised +meanness and dishonesty as well as the rest, I could not remain there for +any length of time; for scores were ready to calumniate me whenever there +was the least thing to be gained by it.</p> + +<p>I was about to commence a new period of life. I had a solid structure as +a foundation; but the superstructure had been built up in so short a time, +that a change of wind would suffice to cast it down. I resolved, +therefore, to tear it down myself, and to begin to build another upon the +carefully laid basis; and only waited for an opportunity to manifest my +intention. This opportunity soon presented itself. Sister Catherine, the +deaconess of whom I have spoken, who had been allowed to attend the School +of Midwives after my election, through the influence of her theological +friends upon Dr. Schmidt (the city magistrates having refused her because +I was already the third accepted pupil), had as yet no position: and these +friends now sought to make her the second <i>accoucheuse</i>; I having the +first position, with the additional title of Chief. This she would not +accept. She, the experienced deaconess, who had been a Florence +Nightingale in the typhus epidemic of Silesia, was unwilling to be under +the supervision of a woman who had nothing to show but a thorough +education, and who was, besides, eight years younger than herself. Her +refusal made my enemies still more hostile. Why they were so anxious for +her services, I can only explain by supposing that the directors of the +hospital wished to annoy Pastor Fliedner, the originator of the +Kaiserswerth Sisterhood; for, in placing Sister Catherine in this +position, they robbed him of one of the very best nurses that he ever had +in his institution.</p> + +<p>My desire to reconcile the government of the hospital, in order that I +might have peace in my position to pursue my development and education so +as to realize and manifest to the people the truth of what Dr. Schmidt had +affirmed of me, induced me to go to one of the directors, and propose that +Sister Catherine should be installed on equal terms with me; offering to +drop the title of Chief, and to consent that the department should be +divided into two. My proposition was accepted nominally, and Sister +Catherine was installed, but with a third less salary than I received; +while I had to give the daily reports, &c., and to take the chief +responsibility of the whole. Catherine was quite friendly to me; and I was +happy in the thought that there was now one at least who would stand by +me, should any difficulties occur. How much I was mistaken in the human +heart! This pious, sedate woman, towards whom my heart yearned with +friendship, was my greatest enemy; though I did not know it until after my +arrival in America.</p> + +<p>A few weeks afterwards, the city petitioned to have a number of women +instructed in the practice of midwifery. These women were all experienced +nurses, who had taken the liberty to practise this art to a greater or +less extent from what they had learned of it while nursing; and, to put an +end to this unlawful practice, they had been summoned before an examining +committee, and the youngest and best educated chosen to be instructed as +the law required. Dr. Müller, the pathologist, was appointed to +superintend the theoretical, and Dr. Ebert the practical, instruction. Dr. +Müller, who never had given this kind of instruction before, and who was a +special friend of mine, immediately surrendered the whole into my hands; +while Dr. Ebert, whose time was almost wholly absorbed in the department +of the diseases of children, appointed me as his assistant. Both gentlemen +gave me certificates of this when I determined to emigrate to America.</p> + +<p>The marked preference for my wards that had always been shown by the male +students was shared by these women when they came. Sister Catherine was +neither ambitious nor envious; yet she felt that she was the second in +place. Drs. Müller and Ebert never addressed themselves to her; neither +did they impress the nurses and the servants with the idea that she was +any thing more than the head-nurse. All these things together made her a +spy; and, though nothing happened for which I could be reproved, all that +I said and did was watched and secretly reported. Under a despotic +government, the spy is as necessary as the corporal. The annoyance of this +reporting is, that the secrecy exists only for the one whom it concerns; +while the subaltern officers and servants receive hints that such a person +is kept under constant surveillance. When it was found that no occasion +offered to find fault with me, our administrative inspector was removed, +and a surly old corporal put in his place, with the hint that the +government of the hospital thought that the former inspector did not +perform his duty rightly, since he never reported disturbance in a ward +that had been notorious as being the most disorderly in former times. The +truth was, that, in my innocence of heart, I had been striving to gain the +respect and friendship of my enemies by doing my work better than any +before me had done. To go to bed at night regularly was a thing unknown to +me. Once I was not undressed for twenty-one days and nights; +superintending and giving instructions on six or eight confinement cases +in every twenty-four hours; lecturing three hours every afternoon to the +class of midwives; giving clinical lectures to them twice a week, for an +hour in the morning; superintending the care of some twenty infants, who +were epidemically attacked with purulent ophthalmia; and having, besides, +the general supervision of the whole department. But all this could not +overcome the hostility of my enemies, the chief cause of which lay in the +mortification at having been vanquished by my appointment. On the other +hand, I was happy in the thought that Mrs. Schmidt continued to take the +same interest in me as before, and was glad to hear of my partial success. +The students, both male and female, were devoted to me, and manifested +their gratitude openly and frankly. This was the greatest compensation +that I received for my work. The women wished to show their appreciation +by paying me for the extra labor that I performed in their instruction; +not knowing the fact, that I did it simply in order that they might pass +an examination which should again convince the committee that I was in the +right place. I forbade them all payment, as I had refused it to the male +students when they wished to pay me for their extra instruction on the +manikin: but in a true, womanly way, they managed to learn the date of +my birthday; when two or three, instead of attending the lecture, took +possession of my room, which they decorated with flowers; while en the +table they displayed presents to the amount of some hundred and twenty +dollars, which the fifty-six women of the class had collected among +themselves. This was, of course, a great surprise to me, and really made +me feel sad; for I did not wish for things of this sort. I wished to prove +that unselfishness was the real motive of my work; and thought that I +should finally earn the crown of appreciation from my enemies, for which I +was striving. This gift crossed all my plans. I must accept it, if I would +not wound the kindest of hearts; yet I felt that I lost my game by so +doing. I quietly packed every thing into a basket, and put it out of sight +under the bed, in order that I might not be reminded of my loss. Of +course, all these things were at once reported. I saw in the faces of many +that something was in agitation, and waited a fortnight in constant +expectation of its coming. But these people wished to crush me entirely. +They knew well that a blow comes hardest when least expected, and +therefore kept quiet week after week, until I really began to ask their +pardon in my heart for having done them the wrong to expect them to act +meanly about a thing that was natural and allowable. In a word, I became +quiet and happy again in the performance of my duties; until suddenly six +weeks after my birthday, I was summoned to the presence of Director Horn +(the same who had reprimanded me for leaving the church), who received me +with a face as hard and stern as an avenging judge, and asked me whether I +knew that it was against the law to receive any other payment than that +given me by the hospital. Upon my avowing that I did, he went on to ask +how it was, then, that I had accepted gifts on my birthday. This question +fell upon me like a thunderbolt; for I never had thought of looking upon +these as a payment. Had these women paid me for the instruction that I +gave them beyond that which was prescribed, they ought each one to have +given me the value of the presents. I told him this in reply, and also how +disagreeable the acceptance had been to me, and how ready I was to return +the whole at his command; since it had been my desire to prove, not only +my capability, but my unselfishness in the work. The man was ashamed; I +saw it in his face as he turned it away from me: yet he saw in me a proof +that he had been vanquished in intrigue, and was resolved that the +occasion should end in my overthrow. Much more was said about the +presents and their significance; and I soon ceased to be the humble woman, +and spoke boldly what I thought, in defiance of his authority, as I had +done at the time of the religious conversation (by the way, I never +attended church again after that interview.) The end was, that I declared +my readiness to leave the hospital. He wished to inflict direct punishment +on me; and forbade me to be present at the examination of the class, which +was to take place the next day. This was really a hard penalty, to which +he was forced for his own sake; for, if I had been present, I should have +told the whole affair to men of a nobler stamp, who would have opposed, as +they afterwards did, my leaving a place which I filled to their entire +satisfaction.</p> + +<p>I made my preparations to leave the hospital on the 15th of November. What +was I to do? I was not made to practise quietly, as is commonly done: my +education and aspirations demanded more than this. For the time, I could +do nothing more than inform my patients that I intended to practise +independently. My father again wished that I should marry; and I began to +ask myself, whether marriage is an institution to relieve parents from +embarrassment. When troubled about the future of a son, parents are ready +to give him to the army; when in fears of the destiny of a daughter, they +induce her to become the slave of the marriage bond. I never doubted that +it was more unendurable and unworthy to be a wife without love, than a +soldier without a special calling for that profession; and I never could +think of marriage as the means to procure a shelter and bread.</p> + +<p>I had so many schemes in my head, that I would not listen to his words. +Among these was especially the wish to emigrate to America. The +Pennsylvania Female Medical College had sent its first Report to Dr. +Schmidt, who had informed me of it as well as his colleagues, and had +advocated the justice of such a reform. This fact occurred to my memory; +and, for the next two months, I did nothing but speculate how to carry out +my design of emigration. I had lived rather expensively and lavishly, +without thinking of laying up any money; and my whole fortune, when I left +the Charité, consisted of sixty dollars.</p> + +<p>One thing happened in connection with my leaving the hospital, which I +must relate here. Director Horn was required to justify his conduct to +the minister to whom the change had to be reported; and a committee was +appointed to hear the accusation and pass judgment upon the affair. As +this was done in secrecy and not before a jury, and as the accuser was a +man of high rank, I knew nothing of it until Christmas Eve, when I +received a document stating that, <i>as a gratification for my services for +the benefit of the city of Berlin</i> in instructing the class of midwives, a +compensation was decreed me of fifty dollars. This was a large sum for +Berlin, such as was only given on rare occasions. I was also informed that +Director Horn was instructed to give me, should I ever demand it, a +first-class certificate of what my position had been in the hospital with +the title of Chief attached. Whatever I had suffered from the injustice of +my enemies, I was now fully recompensed. I inquired who had taken my part +so earnestly against Director Horn as to gain this action, and found that +it was Dr. Müller the pathologist, backed by several other physicians. +Director Horn, it was said, was greatly humiliated by the decision of +Minister von Raumer, who could not see the least justice in his conduct in +this matter; and, had I not left the hospital so readily, I should never +have stood so firmly as after this secret trial.</p> + +<p>It was done, however; and I confidently told my mother of my design to +emigrate. Between my mother and myself there existed, not merely the +strongest relation of maternal and filial love, but also a professional +sympathy and peculiar friendship, which was the result of two similar +minds and hearts, and which made me stand even nearer to her than as a +child I could possibly have done. She consented with heart and soul, +encouraged me in all my plans and expectations, and asked me at once at +what time I would leave. I next told my father and the rest of the family +of my plan. My third sister (Anna), a beautiful, joyous young girl, +exclaimed, "And I will go with you!" My father, who would not listen to my +going alone, at once consented to our going together. But I thought +differently In going alone, I risked only my own happiness: in going with +her, I risked hers too; while I should be constantly restricted in my +adventurous undertaking from having her with me, who knew nothing of the +world save the happiness of a tranquil family life. The next day, I told +them that I had changed my mind, and should not go away, but should +establish myself in Berlin. Of course, I received a torrent of gibes on my +fickleness; for they did not understand my feelings in respect to the +responsibility that I feared to take for my younger sister.</p> + +<p>I began to establish myself in practice. Mrs. Schmidt, who was anxious to +assist me in my new career, suggested to those physicians who were my +friends the establishment of a private hospital, which should be under my +care. She found them strongly in favor of the plan; and, had I not been +constantly speculating about leaving for America, this scheme would have +been realized. But I had resolved to emigrate, and took my measures +accordingly. I went secretly to Drs. Müller and Ebert, and procured +certificates from them attesting my position in respect to them in the +hospital. I then obtained the certificate from Director Horn, and carried +them all to the American Chargé d'Affaires (Theodore S. Fay) to have them +legalized in English, so that they could be of service to me in +America.[<a href="#fn02">2</a>]</p> + +<p>When I told Drs. Ebert and Müller and Mrs. Schmidt of my intention to +emigrate, they pronounced me insane. They thought that I had the best +field of activity open in Berlin, and could not comprehend why I should +seek greater freedom of person and of action. Little really is known in +Berlin about America, and to go there is considered as great an +undertaking as to seek the river Styx in order to go to Hades. The remark +that I heard from almost every quarter was, "What! you wish to go to the +land of barbarism, where they have negro slavery, and where they do not +know how to appreciate talent and genius?" But this could not prevent me +from realizing my plans. I had idealized the freedom of America, and +especially the reform of the position of women, to such an extent, that I +would not listen to their arguments. After having been several years in +America, very probably I would think twice before undertaking again to +emigrate; for even the idealized freedom has lost a great deal of its +charm, when I consider how much better it could be.</p> + +<p>Having put every thing in order, I told my father of my conclusion to +leave. He was surprised to hear of it the second time: but I showed him my +papers in readiness for the journey, and declared that I should go as soon +as the ship was ready to sail; having a hundred dollars,--just money +enough to pay my passage. He would not give his consent, unless my sister +Anna accompanied me; thinking her, I suppose, a counterpoise to any rash +undertakings in which I might engage in a foreign land. If I wished to go, +I was, therefore, forced to have her company; of which I should have been +very glad, had I not feared the moral care and responsibility. We decided +to go in a fortnight. My father paid her passage, and gave her a hundred +dollars in cash,--just enough to enable us to spend a short time in New +York: after which he expected either to send us more money, or that we +would return; and, in case we did this, an agreement was made with the +shipping-merchant that payment should be made on our arrival in Hamburg.</p> + +<p>On the 13th of March, 1853, we left the paternal roof, to which we should +never return. My mother bade us adieu with tears in her eyes; saying, "<i>Au +revoir</i> in America!" She was determined to follow us.</p> + +<p>Dear Mary, here ends my Berlin and European life; and I can assure you +that this was the hardest moment I ever knew. Upon my memory is for ever +imprinted the street, the house, the window behind which my mother stood +waving her handkerchief. Not a tear did I suffer to mount to my eyes, in +order to make her believe that the departure was an easy one; but a heart +beating convulsively within punished me for the restraint.</p> + +<p>My father and brothers accompanied us to the <i>dépôt</i>, where the cars +received us for Hamburg. On our arrival there, we found that the ice had +not left the Elbe, and that the ships could not sail until the river was +entirely free. We were forced to remain three weeks in Hamburg. We had +taken staterooms in the clipper ship "Deutschland." Besides ourselves, +there were sixteen passengers in the first cabin; people good enough in +their way, but not sufficiently attractive to induce us to make their +acquaintance. We observed a dead silence as to who we were, where we were +going, or what was the motive of our emigrating to America. The only +person that we ever spoke to was a Mr. R. from Hamburg, a youth of +nineteen, who, like ourselves, had left a happy home in order to try his +strength in a strange land. The voyage was of forty-seven days' duration; +excessively stormy, but otherwise very dull, like all voyages of this +kind; and, had it not been for the expectations that filled our hearts, we +should have died of <i>ennui</i>. As it was, the days passed slowly, made worse +by the inevitable sea-sickness of our fellow-passengers; and we longed for +the hour that should bring us in sight of the shores of the New World. And +now commences <i>my life in America</i>.</p> + +<p>"Dear Marie, best Marie! make haste to come upon deck to see America! Oh, +how pleasant it is to see the green trees again! How brightly the sun is +gilding the land you are seeking,--the land of freedom!" With such +childlike exclamations of delight, my sister Anna burst into my cabin to +hasten my appearance on deck on the morning of the 22d of May, 1853. The +beautiful child of nineteen summers was only conscious of a heart +overflowing with pleasure at the sight of the charming landscape that +opened before her eyes after a tedious voyage of forty-seven days upon the +ocean. We had reached the quarantine at Staten Island. The captain, the +old pilot, every one, gazed at her as she danced joyously about the deck, +with a mingled feeling of sadness and curiosity; for our reserve while on +shipboard had surrounded us with a sort of mystery which none knew how to +unravel.</p> + +<p>As soon as I had dressed for going on shore, and had packed up the things +that we had used on our voyage, in order that they might not be stolen +during this time of excitement, I obeyed the last call of my impatient +sister to come at least to see the last rays of sunrise; and went on deck, +where I was at once riveted by the beautiful scene that was spread before +my eyes. The green, sloping lawns, with which the white cottages formed +such a cheerful contrast; the trees, clad in their first foliage, and +suggesting hope by their smiling blossoms; the placid cows, feeding +quietly in the fields; the domestic chickens, just visible in the +distance; and the friendly barking of a dog,--all seemed to greet me with +a first welcome to the shores of this strange country: while the sun, +shining brightly from a slightly clouded sky, mellowed the whole +landscape, and so deeply impressed my soul, that tears sprang to my eyes, +and a feeling rose in my heart that I can call nothing else than +devotional; for it bowed my knees beneath me, and forced sounds from my +lips that I could not translate into words, for they were mysterious to +myself. A stranger in a strange, wide land, not knowing its habits and +customs, not understanding its people, not yet understanding its workings +and aims, my mind was not clouded with loneliness. I was happy. Had it not +been my own wish that had made me leave the home of a kind father, and of +a mother beloved beyond all earthly beings? I had succeeded in safely +reaching the shores of America. Life was again open before me. With these +thoughts, I turned from the beautiful landscape; and finding the captain, +a noble-hearted sailor, inquired of him how long it would take us to reach +the port of New York. "That is New York," said he, pointing to a dark mass +of buildings, with here and there a spire towering in the air. "We shall +reach there about eight o'clock; but it is Sunday, and you will have to +stay on board till to-morrow." With this he turned away, calling his men +to weigh anchor; as the physician, whose duty it was to inspect the cargo +of men, like cattle, had just left in his boat. On we went, my sister +still dancing and singing for joy; and Mr. R. and myself sitting somewhat +apart,--he looking dedespondently into the water, I with my head firmly +raised in the air, happy in heart, but thoughtful in mind, and trusting in +my inward strength for the future.</p> + +<p>I took my breakfast on deck. No one seemed to have any appetite; and I +felt somewhat reproved when I heard some one near me say, "She seems to +have neither head nor heart: see how tranquilly she can eat at such a time +as this!" These words were spoken by one of the cabin-passengers,--a young +man, who was exceedingly curious to know why I was going to America, and +had several times tried to make the rest of the passengers believe that it +must be in consequence of an unhappy love. The poor simpleton! he thought +that women could only enter into life through the tragedy of a broken +heart.</p> + +<p>A bell sounded. We were opposite Trinity Church, which had just struck +eight. On my right lay an enormous collection of bricks (houses I could +not call them; for, seen from the ship, they resembled only a pile of +ruins); on my left, the romantic shore of New Jersey. But the admiration +with which I had gazed upon Staten Island was gone as I stood before this +beautiful scene; the appreciation of Nature was mastered by another +feeling,--a feeling of activity that had become my ideal. I had come here +for a purpose,--to carry out the plan which a despotic government and its +servile agents had prevented me from doing in my native city. I had to +show to those men who had opposed me so strongly because I was a woman, +that in this land of liberty, equality, and fraternity, I could maintain +that position which they would not permit to me at home. My talents were +in an unusual direction. I was a physician; and, as such, had for years +moved in the most select circles of Berlin. Even my enemies had been +forced to give me the highest testimonials: and these were the only +treasure that I brought to this country; for I had given my last dollar to +the sailor who brought me the first news that land was in sight.</p> + +<p>I looked again upon New York, but with a feeling that a great mystery was +lying before my eyes,--a feeling that was confirmed by the men, who came +off to the ship in small boats, speaking a language that seemed like a +chaos of sounds. As I turned, I saw my sister coming slowly up from the +cabin with a changed air; and I asked her with surprise what was the +matter. "O Marie!" said she, "most of the passengers are called for. Mr. +R.'s brother has just come to take him on shore. He was so glad to see +him (for he thought he was in New Orleans), that I think he will forget to +say good-by. I am afraid that we shall have to stay here all alone, +and"--"Are the Misses Zakrzewska on board?" called a voice from a little +boat by the side of the ship. We looked down in surprise, but did not +recognize the man, who spoke as if he were an acquaintance. The captain +answered "Yes." Upon which the same voice said, "Mr. G. requests them to +wait: he will be here in a moment."</p> + +<p>This announcement surprised us the more that it came from a totally +unexpected quarter. An acquaintance of ours, who had emigrated to New York +a few years before, and had shortly after married a Mr. G., had heard from +her brother in Berlin of our departure for America in the ship +"Deutschland;" and these good people, thinking that they could be of use +to us in a new country, had been watching for its arrival. No one on board +dared ask a question as to who our friends were, so reserved had we been +in regard to our plans: only the young man who had accused me of having +neither head nor heart said, half aside, "Ah, ha! now we know the reason +why Miss Marie ate her breakfast so calmly, while her sister danced for +joy. They had beaux who were expecting them." "Simpleton!" thought I: +"must women always have beaux in order to be calm about the future?"</p> + +<p>Mr. G. came on board in a few minutes, bringing us from his wife an +invitation of welcome to her house. I cannot express in words the emotion +awakened in my heart by the really unselfish kindness that had impelled +these people to greet us in this manner; and this was increased when we +reached their very modest dwelling, consisting of a large shop in which +Mr. G. carried on his business of manufacturing fringes and tassels, one +sitting-room, a bedroom, and a small kitchen. My strength left me, and my +composure dissolved in a flood of tears. The good people did all that they +could to make us feel at home, and insisted that we should occupy the +sitting-room until we had decided what further to do. Of course, I +determined that this should be for as short a time as possible, and that +we would immediately look out for other lodgings.</p> + +<p>One-half of this first day was spent in talking about home; the other, in +making an excursion to Hoboken. This visit we would gladly have dispensed +with, so exhausted were we by the excitement that we had passed through +since sunrise; but our friends were bent on entertaining us with stories +and sights of the New World, and we followed them rather reluctantly. I +have since been glad that I did so; for my mind was in a state that +rendered it far more impressible than usual, and therefore better fitted +to observe much that would have been lost to me in a less-excited +condition. Here I first saw the type of common German life on Sunday in +America; and I saw enough of it on that one Sunday afternoon to last a +whole lifetime. My friends called on several of their acquaintances. +Everywhere that we went, I noticed two peculiarities,--comparative poverty +in the surroundings, and apparent extravagance in the manner of living: +for in every house we found an abundance of wine, beer, cake, meat, salad, +&c., although it was between the hours of meals; and every one was eating, +although no one seemed hungry. At nine o'clock in the evening, the visit +was concluded by going to a hotel, where a rich supper was served up to +us; and at eleven at night we returned home. My work in America had +already commenced. Was it not necessary for a stranger in a new country to +observe life in all its phases, before entering upon it? It seemed so to +me; and I had already planned, while on ship-board, to spend the first +month in observations of this kind. I had made a fair beginning; and, when +I saw many repetitions of this kind of life among my countrymen, I feared +that this was their main purpose in this country, and their consolation +for the loss of the entertainments and recreations which their fatherland +offered to them. But, as soon as I got opportunity to make my observations +among the educated classes I found my fear ungrounded; and I also found +that the Americans had noticed the impulse for progress and higher +development which animated these Germans. The German mind, so much honored +in Europe for its scientific capacity, for its consistency regarding +principles, and its correct criticism, is not dead here: but it has to +struggle against difficulties too numerous to be detailed here; and +therefore it is that the Americans don't know of its existence, and the +chief obstacle is their different languages. A Humboldt must remain +unknown here, unless he chooses to Americanize himself in every respect; +and could he do this without ceasing to be Humboldt the cosmopolitan +genius?</p> + +<p>It would be a great benefit to the development of this country if the +German language was made a branch of education, and not an accomplishment +simply. Only then would the Americans appreciate how much has been done by +the Germans to advance higher development, and to diffuse the true +principles of freedom. It would serve both parties to learn how much the +Germans aid in developing the reason, and supporting progress in every +direction. The revolution of 1848 has been more serviceable to America +than to Germany; for it has caused the emigration of thousands of men who +would have been the pride of a free Germany. America has received the +German freemen, whilst Germany has retained the <i>subjects</i>.</p> + +<p>The next morning, I determined to return to the ship to look after my +baggage. As Mr. and Mrs. G. were busy in their shop, there was no one to +accompany me: I therefore had either to wait until they were at leisure, +or to go alone. I chose the latter, and took my first walk in the city of +New York on my way to the North River, where the ship was lying. The noise +and bustle everywhere about me absorbed my attention to such a degree, +that, instead of turning to the right hand, I went to the left, and found +myself at the East River, in the neighborhood of Peck Slip. Here I +inquired after the German ship "Deutschland," and was directed, in my +native tongue, down to the Battery, and thence up to Pier 13, where I +found the ship discharging the rest of her passengers and their baggage. +It was eleven o'clock when I reached the ship: I had, therefore, taken a +three-hours' walk. I had now to wait until the custom-house officer had +inspected my trunks, and afterwards for the arrival of Mr. G., who came at +one o'clock with a cart to convey the baggage to his house. While standing +amidst the crowd, a man in a light suit of clothes of no positive color, +with a complexion of the same sort, came up to me, and asked, in German, +whether I had yet found a boarding-place The man's smooth face +instinctively repelled me; yet the feeling that I was not independently +established made me somewhat indefinite in my reply. On seeing this, he at +once grew talkative and friendly, and, speaking of the necessity of +finding a safe and comfortable home, said that he could recommend me to a +hotel where I would be treated honestly; or that, if I chose to be in a +private family, he knew of a very kind, motherly lady, who kept a +boarding-house for ladies alone,--not to make money, but for the sake of +her country-women. The familiarity that he mingled in his conversation +while trying to be friendly made me thoroughly indignant: I turned my back +upon him, saying that I did not need his services. It was not long before +I saw him besieging my sister Anna, who had come with Mr. G.; being +nervous lest I might not have found the ship. What he said to her, I do +not know. I only remember that she came to me, saying, "I am afraid of +that man: I wish that we could go home soon." This meeting with a man who +makes friendly offers of service may seem a small matter to the mere +looker-on; but it ceases to be so when one knows his motives: and, since +that time, I have had but too many opportunities to see for what end these +offers are made. Many an educated girl comes from the Old World to find a +position as governess or teacher, who is taken up in this manner, and is +never heard from again, or is only found in the most wretched condition. +It is shameful that the most effective arrangements should not be made for +the safety of these helpless beings, who come to these shores with the +hope of finding a Canaan.</p> + +<p>The week was mostly spent in looking for apartments; as we had concluded +to commence housekeeping on a small scale, in order to be more independent +and to save money. On our arrival, I had borrowed from my sister the +hundred dollars which my father had given her on our departure from +Berlin, and which was to be my capital until I had established myself in +business. I succeeded in finding a suite of rooms, with windows facing the +street, in the house of a grocer; and, having put them in perfect order, +we moved into them on the 6th of June, paying eleven dollars as our rent +for two months in advance.</p> + +<p>My sister took charge of our first day's housekeeping while I went to +deliver my letters of introduction. I went first to Dr. Reisig, in +Fourteenth Street. My mother, who had employed him when he was a young man +and we were small children, had spoken of him kindly; and, for this +reason, I had confidence in him. I found him a very friendly man, but by +no means a cordial one. He informed me that female physicians in this +country were of the lowest rank, and that they did not hold even the +position of a good nurse. He said that he wished to be of service to me if +I were willing to serve as nurse; and, as he was just then in need of a +good one, would recommend me for the position. I thanked him for his +candor and kindness, but refused his offer, as I could not condescend to +be patronized in this way. Depressed in hope, but strengthened in will, I +did not deliver any more of my letters, since they were all to physicians, +and I could not hope to be more successful in other quarters. I went home, +therefore, determined to commence practice as a stranger.</p> + +<p>The result of my experiment discouraged my sister greatly. After +meditating for some time, she suddenly said, "Marie, I read in the paper +this morning of a dressmaker who wanted some one to sew for her. I know +how to sew well: I shall go there, and you can attend to our little +household. No one here knows me, and I do not think there is any thing +wrong in my trying to earn some money."</p> + +<p>She was determined, and went. I put up my sign, and spent my time in +attending to the household duties, and in reading in order to gain +information of the country and the people. Occasionally I took walks +through different parts of the city, to learn, from the houses and their +surroundings the character of life in New York. I am sure that though, +perhaps, I appeared idle, I was not so in reality; for during this time I +learned the philosophy of American life.</p> + +<p>But our stock of money was becoming less and less. To furnish the rooms +had cost us comparatively little, as we had brought a complete set of +household furniture with us; but paying the rent and completing the +arrangements had not left us more than enough to live upon, in the most +economical manner, until the 1st of August. My sister obtained the place +at the dressmaker's; and after working a week from seven in the morning +until twelve (when she came home to dinner), then from one in the +afternoon until seven in the evening, she received two dollars and +seventy-five cents as the best sewer of six. She brought home the hardly +earned money with tears in her eyes; for she had expected at least three +dollars for the week's work. She had made each day a whole muslin dress, +with the trimmings. And this was not all: the dressmaker often did not pay +on Saturday nights, because, as she said, people did not pay her +punctually; and the poor girls received their wages by six or eight +shillings at a time. For the last two weeks of my sister's work, she +received her payment seven weeks after she had left.</p> + +<p>We lived in this manner until the middle of July, when I lost patience; +for practice did not come as readily as I wished, nor was I in a position +for making money in any other way. My sister, usually so cheerful and +happy, grew grave from the unusual work and close confinement. One of +these nights, on lying down to sleep, she burst into tears, and told me of +her doubts and fears for the future. I soothed her as well as I could, and +she fell asleep. For myself, I could not sleep, but lay awake all night +meditating what I could possibly do. Should I write home, requesting help +from my father? He certainly would have given it; for we had received a +letter two weeks before, offering us all desirable aid. No: all my pride +rebelled against it. "I must help myself," I thought, "and that +to-morrow."</p> + +<p>The next morning, my sister left me as usual. I went out, and walked +through the city to Broadway turning into Canal Street, where I had formed +an acquaintance with a very friendly German woman by purchasing little +articles at various times at her store. I entered without any particular +design, and exchanged a few commonplaces with her about the weather. Her +husband stood talking with a man about worsted goods, and their +conversation caught my ear. The merchant was complaining because the +manufacturer did not supply him fast enough: upon which the man answered, +that it was very difficult to get good hands to work; and that, besides, +he had more orders than it was possible to fill; naming several merchants +whose names I had seen in Broadway, who were also complaining because he +did not supply them. After he had left, I asked carelessly what kind of +articles were in demand, and was shown a great variety of worsted +fancy-goods. A thought entered my brain. I left the store, and, walking +down Broadway, asked at one of the stores that had been mentioned for a +certain article of worsted goods, in order to learn the price. Finding +this enormous, I did not buy it; and returned home, calculating on my way +how much it would cost to manufacture these articles, and how much profit +could be made in making them on a large scale. I found that two hundred +per cent profit might be made by going to work in the right way. My sister +came home, as usual, to dinner. I sat down with her, but could not eat. +She looked at me anxiously, and said, "I hope you are not sick again. Oh, +dear! what shall we do if you get sick?" I had been ill for a week, and +she feared a relapse. I said nothing of my plan, but consoled her in +respect to my health.</p> + +<p>As soon as she had left, I counted my money. But five dollars remained. If +I had been dependent upon money for cheerfulness, I should certainly have +been discouraged. I went to John Street, and, entering a large worsted +store, inquired of a cheerful-looking girl the wholesale price of the best +Berlin wool; how many colors could be had in a pound; &c. The pleasant and +ready answers that I received in my native tongue induced me to tell her +frankly that I wanted but a small quantity at that time, but that I +intended to make an experiment in manufacturing worsted articles; and, if +successful, would like to open a small credit, which she said they +generally would do when security was given.</p> + +<p>I purchased four and a half dollars' worth of worsted; so that fifty cents +were left in my pocket when I quitted the store. I then went to the office +of a German newspaper, where I paid twenty-five cents for advertising for +girls who understood all kinds of knitting. When my sister came home at +night, the worsted was all sorted on the table in parcels for the girls +who would come the next morning, while I was busily engaged in the +experiment of making little worsted tassels. I had never been skilful in +knitting; but in this I succeeded so well, that I could have made a +hundred yards of tassels in one day. My sister turned pale on seeing all +this; and hurriedly asked, "How much money have you spent?"--"All, my +dear Anna," answered I; "all, except twenty-five cents, which will be +sufficient to buy a pound of beefsteak and potatoes for to-morrow's +dinner. Bread, tea, and sugar we have still in the house; and to-morrow +night you will bring home your twenty-two shillings." "May you succeed, +Marie! that is all I have to say," was her reply. She learned of me that +evening how to make the tassels; and we worked till midnight, finishing a +large number.</p> + +<p>The next day was Saturday, and some women really came to get work. I gave +them just enough for one day, keeping one day's work in reserve. The day +was spent busily in arranging matters, so that, on Monday morning, I might +be able to carry a sample of the manufactured articles to those stores +that I had heard mentioned as not being sufficiently supplied.</p> + +<p>In the evening, my sister came home without her money: the dressmaker had +gone into the country in the afternoon, without paying the girls. She was +more than sad, and I felt a little uncomfortable; for what was I to do, +without money to provide for the next two days, or to pay those girls on +Monday with whose work I might not be satisfied? What was to be done? To +go down to our landlord, the grocer, and ask him to advance us a few +dollars? No: he was a stranger, and had no means of knowing that we would +return the money. Besides, I did not wish the people in the house to know +our condition.</p> + +<p>My resolution was taken. I proposed to my sister to go to the market with +me to buy meat and fruit for the morrow. She looked at me with blank +astonishment; but, without heeding it, I said calmly, taking from the +bureau-drawer the chain of my watch, "Anna, opposite the market, there is +a pawnbroker. No one knows us; and, by giving a fictitious name, we can +get money, without thanking any one for it." She was satisfied; and, +taking a little basket, we went on our errand. I asked of the pawnbroker +six dollars, under the name of Müller and received the money; after which +we made our purchases, and went home in quite good spirits.</p> + +<p>On Monday morning, the knitters brought home their work. I paid them, and +gave them enough for another day; after which I set about finishing each +piece, completing the task about two in the afternoon. This done, I +carried the articles to Broadway; and, leaving a sample in a number of +stores, received orders from them for several dozens.[<a href="#fn03">3</a>] I then went to +the worsted store in John Street, where I also obtained orders for the +manufactured articles, together with ten dollars' worth of worsted on +credit; having first given my name and residence to the book-keeper, with +the names of the stores from which I had received orders. In the evening, +when my sister came home, I was, therefore, safely launched into a +manufacturing business. The news cheered her greatly; but she could not be +induced to quit her sewing. The new business had sprung up so rapidly and +pleasantly that she could not trust in the reality of its existence. + +I must tell you here something of the social life that we led. We had +brought a number of friendly letters with us from our acquaintances in +Berlin to their friends and relatives in America; all of which, upon our +arrival, we sent by post, with the exception of two,--the one sent by a +neighbor to his son, Albert C.; the other to a young artist; both of whom +called for their letters. About four weeks after we were settled in New +York, we received a call from some young men whose sisters had been +schoolmates of my sisters in Berlin, who came to inquire of us where to +find Mr. C. We could give them no information, as we had not seen him +since he called for his letter; neither did we now see any thing of the +G.'s: but the acquaintance thus formed with these young men was continued, +and our solitude was now and then enlivened by an hour's call from them. +Soon after I had commenced my new business, they came one day in company +with Mr. C., whom they had met accidently in the street, and, on his +expressing a wish to see us, had taken the liberty to bring to our house.</p> + +<p>My business continued to prosper; and, by constantly offering none but the +best quality of goods for sale, in a very short time I had so much to do, +that my whole time in the day was occupied with out-door business, and I +was forced to sit up at night with my sister to prepare work for the +knitters. At one time, we had constantly thirty girls in our employ; and +in this way I became acquainted with many of those unfortunates who had +been misled and ruined on their arrival by persons pretending friendship. +Two of these in particular interested me greatly. One, the grand-daughter +of Krummacher, and bearing his name, was the daughter of a physician, who +had come to this country, hoping to find a place as governess. Poor girl! +she was a mere wreck when I found her, and all my efforts to raise her up +were in vain. She was sick, and in a terrible mental condition. We took +her into our house, nursed her and cared for her, and, when she had +recovered, supplied her with work; for which we paid her so well, that she +always had three dollars a week, which paid for her board and washing. It +was twice as much as she could earn, yet not enough to make her feel +reconciled with life. At one time, she did not come to us for a whole +week. I went to see her, and her landlady told me that she was melancholy. +I persuaded her to come and stay with us for a few days; but, in spite of +all my friendly encouragement I could not succeed in restoring her to +cheerfulness. She owned that she could not work merely to live: she did +not feel the pangs of hunger; but she felt the want of comforts to which +she had been accustomed, and which, in our days, are regarded as +necessities. She attempted to find a situation as governess; but her +proficiency in music, French, and drawing, counted as nothing. She had no +city references; and, having been two years in New York, dared not name +the place to which she had been conducted on her arrival. She left us at +last in despair, after having been a week with us. She never called again, +and I could not learn from her landlady where she had gone. Three months +afterwards, I heard from one of the girls in our employ that she had +married a poor shoemaker in order to have a home; but I never learned +whether this was true. About a year later, I met her in the Bowery, poorly +but cleanly dressed. She hastily turned away her face on seeing me; and I +only caught a glimpse of the crimson flush that overspread her +countenance.</p> + +<p>The other girl that I referred to was a Miss Mary ----, who came with her +mother to this country, expecting to live with a brother. They found the +brother married, and unwilling to support his sister; while his wife was +by no means friendly in her reception of his mother. The good girl +determined to earn a support for her mother, and a pretended friend +offered to take care of their things until she could find work and rent +lodgings. After four weeks' search, she found a little room and bedroom in +a rear-building in Elizabeth Street, at five dollars a month; and was +preparing to move, when her <i>friend</i> presented a bill of forty dollars for +his services. She could only satisfy his rapacity by selling every thing +that she could possibly spare: after which she commenced to work; and as +she embroidered a great deal, besides working for me (for which I paid her +six dollars a week), for a time she lived tolerably well. After some time, +her mother fell ill; and she had to nurse her and attend to the household, +as well as labor for their support. It was a trying time for the poor +girl. She sought her brother; but he had moved to the West. I did all that +I could for her; but this was not half enough: and, after I had quitted +the manufacturing business and left the city, my sister heard that she had +drowned herself in the Hudson, because her mother's corpse was lying in +the house, while she had not a cent to give it burial, or to buy a piece +of bread, without selling herself to vice.</p> + +<p>Are not these two terrible romances of New-York life? And many besides did +I learn among these poor women; so many, indeed, that I forget the details +of all. Stories of this kind are said to be without foundation: I say that +there are more of them in our midst than it is possible to imagine. Women +of good education, but without money, are forced to earn their living. +They determine to leave their home, either because false pride +preprevents their seeking work where they have been brought up as +<i>ladies</i>, or because this work is so scarce that they cannot earn by it +even a life of semi-starvation; while they are encouraged to believe that +in this country they will readily find proper employment. They are too +well educated to become domestics; better educated, indeed, than are half +the teachers here: but modesty, and the habit of thinking that they must +pass through the same legal ordeal as in Europe, prevent them from seeking +places in this capacity. They all know how to embroider in the most +beautiful manner; and, knowing that this is well paid for in Europe, seek +to find employment of this kind in the stores. Not being able to speak +English, they believe the stories of the clerks and proprietors and are +made to work at low wages, and are often swindled out of their money. They +feel homesick forlorn and forsaken in the world. Their health at length +fails them, and they cannot earn bread enough to keep themselves from +starvation. They are too proud to beg; and the consequence is, that they +walk the streets, or throw themselves into the river.</p> + +<p>I met scores of these friendless women. Some I took into my house; for +others I found work, and made myself a sort of guardian; while to others +I gave friendship to keep them morally alive. It is a curious fact, that +these women are chiefly Germans. The Irish resort at once to beggary or +are inveigled into brothels, as soon as they arrive; while the French are +always intriguing enough either to put on a white cap and find a place as +<i>bonne</i>, or to secure a <i>private</i> lover.</p> + +<p>I am often in despair about the helplessness of women, and the readiness +of men to let them earn money in abundance by shame, while they grind them +down to the merest pittance for honorable work. Shame on society, that +women are forced to surrender themselves to an abandoned life and death, +when so many are enjoying wealth and luxury in extravagance! I do not wish +them to divide their estates with the poor; I am no friend to communism in +any form: I only wish institutions that shall give to women an education +from childhood that will enable them, like young men, to earn their +livelihood. These weak women are the last to come forth to aid in their +emancipation from inefficient education. We cannot calculate upon these: +we must educate the children for better positions and leave the adults to +their destiny.</p> + +<p>How many women marry only for a shelter or a home! How often have I been +the confidante of girls, who the day before, arrayed in satin, had given +their hands to rich men before the altar, while their hearts were breaking +with suppressed agony! and this, too, among Americans, this great, free +nation, who, notwithstanding, let their women starve. It is but lately +that a young woman said to me, "I thank Heaven, my dear doctor, that you +are a woman; for now I can tell you the truth about my health. It is not +my body that is sick, but my heart. These flounces and velvets cover a +body that is sold,--sold legally to a man who could pay my father's +debts." Oh! I scorn men, sometimes from the bottom of my heart. Still this +is wrong: for it is the women's, the mothers' fault, in educating their +daughters to be merely beautiful machines, fit to ornament a fine +establishment; while, if they do not succeed in gaining this, there is +nothing left but wretchedness of mind and body. Women, there is a +connection between the Fifth Avenue and the Five Points! Both the rich and +the wretched are types of womanhood; both are linked together, forming one +great body; and both have the same part in good and evil. I can hardly +leave this subject, though it may seem to have little to do with my +American experience; but a word spoken from a full heart not only gives +relief, but may fall on <i>one</i> listening ear, and take root there.</p> + +<p>I must now return to my new enterprise. The business paid well: and, +although I was often forced to work with my sister till the dawn of +morning, we were happy; for we had all that we needed, and I could write +home that the offered assistance was superfluous. Here I must say, that I +had resolved, on leaving Berlin, never to ask for aid, in order that I +might be able with perfect freedom to carry out my plans independently of +my family. How this was ever to be done, I did not yet see; though I had a +good opportunity to learn, from life and from the papers, what I had to +expect here. But this mode of instruction, though useful to one seeking to +become a philosopher, was very unsatisfactory to me. The chief thing that +I learned was, that I must acquire English before I could undertake any +thing. And this was the most difficult point to overcome. I am not a +linguist by nature: all that I learn of languages must be obtained by the +greatest perseverance and industry; and, for this, my business would not +allow me time.</p> + +<p>Shortly after I had fairly established myself in the manufacturing +business, I received news from Berlin, that Sister Catherine had left the +Hospital Charité, and was intending to join me in America, in order to aid +me in carrying out my plan for the establishment of a hospital for women +in the New World. The parties interested in her had finally succeeded in +placing her in the wished-for position, thus disconnecting her from the +sisterhood. But, after my departure, the position became greatly modified +in rank, and inferior in character. Private reasons besides made it +disagreeable for her to remain there any longer; and in this moment she +remembered my friendship towards her, and in the unfortunate belief that +she shared with many others, that all that I designed to do I could do at +once, resolved to come to me, and offer her assistance. She joined us on +the 22d of August, and was not a little disappointed to find me in the +tassel instead of the medical line. The astonishment with which her +acquaintances in Berlin heard her announce her intention of going to seek +help from a person to whom she had been less than a friend, could not be +expressed in words; and she told me that the annoyance that they +manifested was really the chief stimulus that decided her to come at last. +She arrived without a cent. Having always found friends enough ready to +supply her with money, whenever she wished to establish a temporary +hospital, it had never occurred to her that she should need any for +private use, beyond just enough to furnish the simple blue merino dress of +the sisterhood, which had often been provided for her by the Kaiserswerth +Institute. But here she was; and she very soon learned to understand the +difficulties which must be overcome before I could enter again into my +profession. She became satisfied, and lived with us, sharing equally in +whatever we had ourselves. There is a peculiar satisfaction in showing +kindness to a person who has injured us, though unconsciously under +different circumstances: and, in her case, she was not entirely +unconscious of the harm she had done me; for she confessed to me while in +America, that her acquaintance was courted by all those who had been +thwarted in their opposition by my appointment, and that she knew well +that they sought every opportunity to annoy me.</p> + +<p>On the 18th of September, a sister, one year younger than myself, joined +us; having been tempted by our favorable accounts to try a life of +adventure. We were now four in the family. But Catherine gradually grew +discontented. Having been accustomed to the comforts afforded in large +institutions, and to receiving attentions from the most aristocratic +families of Prussia, the monotonous life that we led was only endurable to +her so long as the novelty lasted. This soon wore off, and she became +anxious for a change. She had heard her fellow-passengers speak of a +Pastor S., who had been sent to America as a missionary; and she begged me +to seek him out, and take her to him, that she might consult him as to +what she had best do. I did so, and she soon became acquainted with his +family. Mr. S. exerted himself in her behalf, and secured her a place as +nurse in the Home for the Friendless, where she had the charge of some +thirty children. This was a heavy task; for, though none were under a year +old, she was constantly disturbed through the night, and could get but a +few hours' consecutive sleep. Besides, she could not become reconciled to +washing under the hydrant in the morning, and to being forced to mingle +with the commonest Irish girls. She was in every respect a lady, and had +been accustomed to have a servant at her command, even in the midst of the +typhus-fever in the desolate districts of Silesia; while here she was not +even treated with humanity. This soon grew unbearable; and she returned to +us on the 16th of October, after having been only ten days in the +institution. So eager was she to make her escape, that she did not even +ask for the two dollars that were due her for wages. But we could not +receive her; for we had taken another woman in her place, as friendless +and as penniless as she. Besides, a misfortune had just fallen upon us. +During the night before, our doors had been unlocked, our bureau-drawers +inspected, and all our money, amounting to fifty-two dollars, carried off; +and, when Catherine arrived, we were so poor that we had to borrow the +bread and milk for our breakfast. Fortunately, the day before, I had +refused the payment due me for a large bill of goods; and this came now in +a very good time. I did not feel justified, however, in increasing the +family to five after our loss; nor did she claim our assistance, but went +again to Pastor S., who had invited her to visit his family. With his +assistance, she obtained some private nursing, which maintained her until +the congregation had collected money enough to enable her to return to +Berlin; which she did on the 2d of December. Having many friends in the +best circles of that city, she immediately found a good practice again; +and is now, as she says, enjoying life in a civilized manner.</p> + +<p>We moved at once from the scene of the robbery and took a part of a house +in Monroe Street, for which we paid two hundred dollars a year. Our +business continued good, and I had some prospects of getting into +practice. But, with spring, the demand for worsted goods ceased; and as my +practice brought me work, but no money, I was forced to look out for +something else to do. By accident, I saw in a store a coiffure made of +silk, in imitation of hair, which I bought; but I found, on examination, +that I could not manufacture it, as it was machine-work. I went, +therefore, to Mr. G., and proposed to establish a business with him, in +which he should manufacture these coiffures, while I would sell them by +wholesale to the merchants with whom I was acquainted. Mr. G. had +completely ruined himself during the winter by neglecting his business and +meddling with Tammany-Hall politics, which had wasted his money and his +time. He had not a single workman in his shop when I called, and was too +much discouraged to think of any new enterprise; but, on my telling him +that I would be responsible for the first outlay, he engaged hands, and, +in less than a month, had forty-eight persons busily employed. In this way +I earned money during the spring, and freed myself from the obligations +which his kindness in receiving us the spring before had laid upon us.</p> + +<p>My chief business now was to sell the goods manufactured by Mr. G. Our +worsted business was very small; and the prospect was that it would cease +entirely, and that the coiffure that we made would not long continue in +fashion. Some other business, therefore, had to be found, especially as it +was impossible for us to lay up money. Our family now consisted of myself +and two sisters, the friend that was staying with us, and a brother, +nineteen years of age, who had joined us during the winter, and who, +though an engineer and in good business, was, like most young men, +thoughtless and more likely to increase than to lighten our burdens. Our +friend Mr. C., who had become our constant visitor, planned at this time a +journey to Europe; so that our social life seemed also about to come to an +end.</p> + +<p>On the 13th of May, 1854, as I was riding down to the stores on my usual +business, reveries of the past took possession of my mind. Almost a year +in America, and not one step advanced towards my purpose in coming hither! +It was true that I had a comfortable home, with enough to live upon, and +had repaid my sister the money that I had borrowed from her on our +arrival; yet what kind of a life was it that I was leading, in a business +foreign to my nature and inclinations, and without even the prospect of +enlarging this? These reflections made me so sad, that, when I reached the +store, the book-keeper noticed my dejection, and told me, by way of +cheering me, that he had another order for a hundred dollars' worth of +goods, &c.; but this did not relieve me. I entered the omnibus again, +speculating constantly on what I should do next; when a thought suddenly +dawned upon me. Might not the people in the Home for the Friendless be +able to give me advice? I had hardly conceived the idea, when I determined +to ride directly up there, instead of stopping at the street in which I +lived. I thought, besides, that some employment might be found for my +sister Anna, in which she could learn the English language, for which she +had evinced some talent, while I had decided that I could never become +master of it. I had seen the matron, Miss Goodrich, once when I called +there on Catherine S. She had a humane face, and I was persuaded that I +should find a friend in her. I was not mistaken. I told her of my plans in +coming here, and of our present mode of life and prospects; and confided +to her my disappointment and dejection, as well as my determination to +persevere courageously. She seemed to understand and to enter into my +feelings, and promised to see Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, whom she advised me +to call upon at once.</p> + +<p>I went home full of the hope and inspiration of a new life. Dear Mary, you +can hardly comprehend the happiness of that morning. I was not suffering, +it is true, for the necessaries of life; but, what was far worse, I +suffered from the feeling that I lived for no purpose but to eat and to +drink. I had no friends who were interested in the pursuits towards which +my nature inclined; and I saw crowds of arrogant people about me, to whom +I could not prove that I was their equal in spite of their money. My +sisters had not seen me so cheerful since our arrival in America, and +thought that I had surely discovered the philosopher's stone. I told them +of what I had done, and received their approbation.</p> + +<p>On the morning of the 15th of May,--the anniversary of the death of Dr. +Schmidt and of my greatest joy and my greatest misery,--we received a call +from Miss Goodrich, who told us that she had seen Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, +and thought that she had also procured a suitable place for my sister. She +gave us the addresses of Dr. Blackwell and of Miss Catherine Sedgwick. We +called first upon the latter, who was extremely kind; and although she +had quite misunderstood our wishes,--having exerted herself to procure a +place for my sister in a way that manifested the belief that we had +neither a home nor the means to live,--yet her friendliness and readiness +to assist us made us for ever grateful to her. At that time we did not +know her standing in society, and looked upon her merely as a benevolent +and wealthy woman. We soon learned more of her, however: for, though +unsuccessful in her first efforts, she shortly after sent for my sister, +having secured her a place in Mr. Theodore Sedgwick's family; which was +acceptable, inasmuch as it placed her above the level of the servants. She +remained there seven weeks, and then returned home.</p> + +<p>On the same morning, I saw Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell; and from this call of +the 15th of May I date my new life in America. She spoke a little German, +and understood me perfectly when I talked. I gave her all my certificates +for inspection but said nothing to her of my plans in coming to America. +It would have seemed too ludicrous for me in my position to tell her that +I entertained the idea of interesting the people in the establishment of a +hospital for women. I hardly know what I told her, indeed; for I had no +other plan of which to speak, and therefore talked confusedly, like an +adventurer. I only know that I said that I would take the position of +nurse, if I could enter one of the large hospitals, in order to learn the +manner in which they were managed in this country.</p> + +<p>I cannot comprehend how Dr. Blackwell could ever have taken so deep an +interest in me as she manifested that morning; for I never in my life was +so little myself. Yet she did take this interest; for she gave me a sketch +of her own experience in acquiring a medical education, and explained the +requirements for such in this country, and the obstacles that are thrown +in the way of women who seek to become physicians. She told me of her plan +of founding a hospital,--the long-cherished idea of my life; and said that +she had opened a little dispensary--the charter for which was procured +during the preceding winter, under the name of "The New-York Infirmary for +Indigent Women and Children"--on the 1st of May, two weeks before, and +which was designed to be the nucleus for this hospital, where she invited +me to come and assist her. She insisted that, first of all, I should learn +English; and offered to give me lessons twice a week, and also to make +efforts to enable me to enter a college to acquire the title of M.D., +which I had not the right to attach to my name. I left her after several +hours' conversation, and we parted friends.</p> + +<p>I continued my work at home; going regularly to Dr. Blackwell to receive +lessons in English, and to assist her in the dispensary. As we grew better +acquainted, I disclosed more to her of the fact, that I had a fixed plan +in coming to this country; which increased her interest in me. She wrote +in my behalf to the different colleges, and at length succeeded in +obtaining admission for me to the Cleveland Medical College (Western +Reserve) on the most favorable terms; credit being given me on the +lecture-fees for an indefinite time.</p> + +<p>Here I must stop to tell you why this credit was necessary. The articles +that I had manufactured had gone out of fashion in May: and I could not +invent any thing new, partly because I no longer felt the same interest as +before, knowing that I should soon go to a medical college; and partly +because the articles then in fashion were cheaper when imported. We had to +live for a little while on the money that we had laid up, until I procured +a commission for embroidering caps. It is perfectly wonderful into +what kinds of business I was forced, all foreign to my taste.</p> + +<p>And here let me tell you some secrets of this kind of business, in which +hundreds of women starve, and hundreds more go down to a life of infamy. +Cap-making (the great business of Water Street of New York) gives +employment to thousands of unfortunates. For embroidering caps, the +wholesale dealer pays seven cents each; and for making up, three cents. To +make a dozen a day, one must work for sixteen hours. The embroidering is +done in this wise: I received the cut cloth from the wholesale dealer; +drew the pattern upon each cap; gave them, with three cents' worth of +silk, to the embroiderer, who received three cents for her work; then +pressed and returned them; thus making one cent on each for myself. By +working steadily for sixteen hours, a girl could embroider fifteen in a +day. I gave out about six dozen daily; earning, like the rest, fifty cents +a day: unless I chose to do the stamping and pressing at night, and to +embroider a dozen during the day; in which case, I earned a dollar.</p> + +<p>One can live in this way for a little while, until health fails, or the +merchant says that the work has come to an end. You will think this +terrible again. Oh, no! this is not terrible. The good men provide in +another way. They tell every woman of a prepossessing appearance, that it +is wrong in her to work so hard; that many a man would be glad to care for +her; and that many women live quite comfortably with the help of <i>a +friend</i>. They say, further, that it is lonely to live without ever going +to church, to the concert and theatre; and that if these women would only +permit the speakers to visit them, and to attend them to any of these +places, they would soon find that they would no longer be obliged to work +so hard. This is the polished talk of gentlemen who enjoy the reputation +of piety and respectability, and who think it a bad speculation to pay +women liberally for their work. So it would be, in truth; for these poor +creatures would not be so willing to abandon themselves to a disreputable +life, if they could procure bread in any other way.</p> + +<p>During the summer of 1854, I took work on commission from men of this +sort. While in Berlin I had learned from the prostitutes in the hospital +in what manner educated women often became what they then were. The +average story was always the same. The purest love made them weak; their +lover deceived and deserted them; their family cast them off by way of +punishment. In their disgrace, they went to bury themselves in large +cities, where the work that they could find scarcely gave them their daily +bread. Their employers attracted by their personal appearance and the +refinement of their speech and manners, offered them assistance in another +way, in which they could earn money without work. In despair, they +accepted the proposals; and sunk gradually, step by step, to the depths of +degradation, as depicted by Hogarth in the "Harlot's Progress." In New +York, I was thrown continually among men who were of the stamp that I +described before; and can say, even from my own experience, that no man is +ever more polite, more friendly, or more kind, than one who has impure +wishes in his heart. It is really so dangerous for a woman of refined +nature to go to such stores, that I never suffered my sister to visit +them; not because I feared that she would listen to these men, but because +I could not endure the thought that so innocent and beautiful a girl +should come in contact with them, or even breathe the same atmosphere. +When fathers are unwilling that their daughters shall enter life as +physicians, lawyers, merchants, or in any other public capacity, it is +simply because they belong to the class that so contaminates the air, +that none can breathe it but themselves; or because, from being thrown +constantly in contact with such men, they arrive at the same point at +which I then stood, and say to themselves "<i>I</i> can afford to meet such +men. I am steeled by my knowledge of mankind, and supported by the +philosophy that I have learned during years of trial. It cannot hurt <i>me</i>; +but, by all means, spare the young and beautiful the same experience!"</p> + +<p>I dealt somewhat haughtily with the merchants whom I have described, in a +manner that at once convinced them of my position. But the consequence +was, that the embroidery commission, which had commenced so favorably, +suddenly ceased, "<i>because the Southern trade had failed</i>:" in truth, +because I would not allow any of these men to say any more to me than was +absolutely necessary in our business. My income became less and less, and +we were forced to live upon the money that we had laid up during the year. +I did not look for any new sources of employment, for I was intending to +go to Cleveland in October; while my next sister had business of her own, +and Anna was engaged to be married to our friend Mr. C. My brother was +also with them; and my mother's brother, whom she had adopted as a child, +was on his way to America.</p> + +<p>After having settled our affairs, fifty dollars remained as my share; and, +with this sum, I set out for Cleveland on the 16th of October, 1854. Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell had supplied me with the necessary medical text-books; +so that I had no other expenses than my journey and the matriculation +fees, which together amounted to twenty dollars, leaving thirty dollars in +my possession.</p> + +<p>I do not believe that many begin the study of medicine with so light a +purse and so heavy a heart as did I. My heart was heavy for the reason +that I did not know a single sentence of English. All of my study with Dr. +Blackwell had been like raindrops falling upon stone: I had profited +nothing. The lectures I did not care for, since there was more need of my +studying English than medicine: but the subjects were well known to me; +and I therefore reasoned, that, by hearing familiar things treated of in +English, I must learn the language; and the logic held good.</p> + +<p>I have already told you that the Faculty had agreed to give me credit for +my lecture-fees. Dr. Blackwell had written also to a lady there, who had +called upon her some time before in the capacity of President of a +Physiological Society, which, among other good things, had established a +small fund for the assistance of women desirous of studying medicine. This +lady (Mrs. Caroline M. Severance) replied in the most friendly manner, +saying that I might come directly to her house, and that she would see +that my board for the winter was secured by the Physiological Society over +which she presided.</p> + +<p>The journey to Cleveland was a silent but a pleasant one. Through a +mishap, I arrived on Saturday night, instead of in the morning; and, being +unwilling to disturb Mrs. Severance at so late an hour, went first to a +hotel. But what trials I had there! No one could understand me; until at +last I wrote on a slate my own name and Mrs. Severance's, with the words, +"A carriage," and "To-morrow." From this the people inferred that I wished +to stay at the hotel all night, and to have a carriage to take me to Mrs. +Severance's the next day; as was the case. A waiter took my carpet-bag and +conducted me to a room. I could not understand his directions to the +supper-room, neither could I make him understand that I wanted some supper +in my own room; and the consequence was, that I went to bed hungry, having +eaten nothing all day but a little bread, and an apple for luncheon.</p> + +<p>As soon as I was dressed the next morning, I rang the bell furiously; and, +on the appearance of the waiter, exclaimed, "Beefsteak!" This time he +comprehended me, and went laughingly away to bring me a good breakfast. I +often saw the same waiter afterwards at the hotel; and he never saw me +without laughing, and exclaiming, "Beefsteak!"</p> + +<p>In the course of the forenoon, I was taken in a carriage to the house of +Mrs. Severance; but the family were not at home. I returned to the hotel, +somewhat disheartened and disappointed. Although I should have supposed +that death was not far off if no disappointment had happened to me when I +least expected it, yet this persistent going wrong of every thing in +Cleveland was really rather dispiriting. But a bright star soon broke +through the clouds, in the shape of Mr. Severance, who came into the +parlor directly after dinner, calling for me in so easy and so cordial a +manner, that I forgot every thing, and was perfectly happy. This feeling, +however, lasted only until I reached the house. I found four fine +children, all full of childish curiosity to hear me talk; who, as soon as +they found that I could not make myself understood by them, looked on me +with that sort of contempt peculiar to children when they discover that a +person cannot do as much as they can themselves. Mr. Severance, too, was +expecting to find me accomplished in music, "like all Germans;" and had to +learn that I had neither voice nor ear for the art. Mrs. Severance +understood a little German, yet not half enough to gain any idea of how +much or how little I was capable of doing; and therefore looked upon me +with a sort of uncertainty as to what was my real capacity. This position +was more provoking than painful; there was even something ludicrous in it: +and, when not annoyed, I often went into my room to indulge in a hearty +laugh by myself.</p> + +<p>I met with a most cordial reception in the college The dean (Dr. John J. +Delamater) received me like a father; and, on the first day, I felt +perfectly at home. All was going on well. I had a home at Mrs. +Severance's; while, despite my mutilated English, I found many friends in +the college, when circumstances changed every thing. Some changes occurred +in Mr. Severance's business; and he was forced, in consequence, to give up +house-keeping At that time, I did not know that the Physiological Society +was ready to lend me money; and was therefore in great distress. I never +experienced so bitter a day as that on which Mrs. Severance told me that I +could stay with her no longer. It was but five weeks after my arrival, and +I was not able to make myself understood in the English language, which +was like chaos to me. On the same day, I well remember, that, for the +first time in my life, I made an unsuccessful attempt to borrow money; +and, because it was the first and the last time, it was the more painful +to me to be refused. I envied the dog that lived, and was happy without +troubling his brain; I envied the kitchen-maid that did her work +mechanically, and enjoyed life far more than those fitted by nature for +something higher, while the world would go on just as well without them as +with them.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Severance secured a boarding-place for me for the rest of the winter; +and paid my board, amounting to thirty-three dollars, from the funds of +the society. I lived quietly by myself; studied six hours daily at home, +with four dictionaries by me; attending six lectures a day, and going in +the evening for three hours to the dissecting-rooms. I never conversed +with any one in the boarding-house nor even asked for any thing at the +table; but was supplied like a mute. This silence was fruitful to me. +About New Year, I ventured to make my English audible; when, lo! every one +understood me perfectly. From this time forward, I sought to make +acquaintances, to the especial delight of good old Dr. Delamater, who had +firmly believed that I was committing gradual suicide. Through Mrs. +Severance, I became acquainted with Dr. Harriot K. Hunt, who was then on a +visit to Cleveland; and, through her, with the Rev. A.D. Mayo, who was +pastor of a small society there, known as that of the Liberal Christians.</p> + +<p>I found many dear and valued friends during my residence in Cleveland, but +none to whom I am bound in lasting gratitude as to Mr. Mayo, who offered +me his assistance when he learned that I was in need; my extra expenses +having swallowed up the little money that I had brought with me, so that I +had not even enough to return to my sisters in New York. As the minister +of a small congregation advocating Liberal ideas, he had a hard position +in Cleveland, both socially and pecuniarily; yet he offered to share his +little with me. I was forced to accept it; and I am now, and have always +been, glad that I did so. No one, that has not had the experience, can +appreciate the happiness that comes with the feeling, that a rich man has +not cast a fragment of his superfluity towards you (and here let me +remark, that it is next to impossible to find wealth and generosity go +together in friendship), but that the help comes from one who must work for +it as well as the recipient. It proves the existence of the mutual +appreciation that is known by the name of "friendship." The apple given by +a friend is worth ten times more than a whole orchard bestowed in such a +way as to make you feel that the gift is but the superfluity of the donor.</p> + +<p>I remained for ten months a member of Mr. Mayo's family; when he received +a call to Albany, and changes had to be made in his household. During this +time, I earned a little money by giving lessons in German, that served to +cover my most necessary expenses. For the last five months that I spent in +Cleveland, I carried in my purse one solitary cent as a sort of talisman; +firmly believing that some day it would turn into gold: but this did not +happen; and on the day that I was expecting the receipt of the last +eighteen dollars for my lessons, which were designed to bear my expenses +to New York, I gave it to a poor woman in the street who begged me for a +cent; and it doubtless, ere long, found its way into a gin-shop.</p> + +<p>The twenty months that I spent in Cleveland were chiefly devoted to the +study of medicine in the English language; and in this I was assisted by +most noble-hearted men. Dr. Delamater's office became a pleasant spot, and +its occupants a necessity to me; and, on the days that I did not meet +them, my spirits fell below zero. In spite of the pecuniary distress from +which I constantly suffered, I was happier in Cleveland than ever before +or since. I lived in my element; having a fixed purpose in view, and +enjoying the warmest tokens of real friendship. I was liked in the +college; and, though the students often found it impossible to repress a +hearty laugh at my ridiculous blunders in English, they always showed me +respect and fellowship in the highest sense of the terms. In the beginning +of the first winter, I was the only woman; after the first month, another +was admitted; and, during the second winter, there were three besides +myself that attended the lectures and graduated in the spring. I should +certainly look upon this season as the spring-time of my life, had not a +sad event thrown a gloom over the whole.</p> + +<p>In the autumn of 1854, after deciding to go to Cleveland to resume my +medical studies, I wrote to my parents to tell them of my hopes and aims. +These letters were not received with the same pleasure with which they +had been written. My father, who had encouraged me before my entrance upon +a public career, was not only grieved by my return to my old mode of life, +but greatly opposed to it, and manifested this in the strongest words in +the next letter that I received from him. My mother on the contrary, who +had not been at all enthusiastic in the beginning, was rather glad to +receive the news. As I had left many good friends among the physicians of +Berlin, my letters were always circulated, after their arrival, by one of +their number who stood high in the profession; and, though I did not +receive my father's approbation, he sent me several letters from strangers +who approved my conduct, and who, after hearing my letters, had sent him +congratulations upon my doings in America. How he received the respect +thus manifested to him, you can judge from a passage in one of his +letters, which I will quote to you:--</p> + +<p>"I am proud of you, my daughter; yet you give me more grief than any other +of my children. If you were a young man, I could not find words in which +to express my satisfaction and pride in respect to your acts; for I know +that all you accomplish you owe to yourself: but you are a woman, a weak +woman; and all that I can do for you now is to grieve and to weep. O my +daughter! return from this unhappy path. Believe me, the temptation of +living for humanity <i>en masse,</i> magnificent as it may appear in its aim, +will lead you only to learn that all is vanity; while the ingratitude of +the mass for whom you choose to work will be your compensation."</p> + +<p>Letters of this sort poured upon me; and, when my father learned that +neither his reasoning nor his prayers could turn me from a work which I +had begun with such enthusiasm, he began to threaten; telling me that I +must not expect any pecuniary assistance from him; that I would contract +debts in Cleveland which I should never be able to pay, and which would +certainly undermine my prospects; with more of this sort. My good father +did not know that I had vowed to myself, on my arrival in America, that I +would never ask his aid; and besides, he never imagined that I could go +for five months with a single cent in my pocket. Oh, how small all these +difficulties appeared to me, especially at a time when I began to speak +English! I felt so rich, that I never thought money could not be had, +whenever I wanted it in good earnest.</p> + +<p>After having been nine months in Cleveland, I received news that my +mother had left Berlin with my two youngest sisters to pay us a visit, and +to see what the prospects would be for my father in case she chose to +remain. Dear Mary, shall I attempt to describe to you the feeling that +over-powered me on the receipt of these tidings? If I did, you never could +feel it with me: for I could not picture in words the joy that I felt at +the prospect of beholding again the mother whom I loved beyond all +expression, and who was my friend besides; for we really never thought of +each other in our relation of mother and child, but as two who were bound +together as friends in thought and in feeling. No: I cannot give you a +description of this, especially as it was mingled with the fear that I +might not have the means to go to greet her in New York before another ten +months were over. Day and night, night and day, she was in my mind; and, +from the time that I had a right to expect her arrival, I counted the +hours from morning until noon, and from noon until night, when the +telegraph office would be closed. At length, on the 18th of September, the +despatch came,--not to me, but to my friend Mr. Mayo,--bearing the words, +"Tell Marie that she must calmly and quietly receive the news that our +good mother sleeps at the bottom of the ocean, which serves as her +monument and her grave." Mary, this is the most trying passage that I have +to write in this sketch of my life; and you must not think me weak that +tears blot the words as I write. My mother fell a victim to sea-sickness +which brought on a violent hemorrhage, that exhausted the sources of life. +She died three weeks before the vessel reached the port; and my two +sisters (the one seventeen and the other nine years of age) chose rather +to have her lowered on the Banks of Newfoundland, than bring to us a +corpse instead of the living. They were right; and the great ocean seems +to me her fitting monument.</p> + +<p>Of course, upon the receipt of these tidings, I could remain no longer in +Cleveland, but took my last money, and went to New York to stay for a +while with my afflicted brother and sisters. The journey was very +beneficial to me; for, without it, I should not have been able to go +through my winter's study. During my stay in New York, I often visited Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell, and learned that the little dispensary was closed +because her practice prevented her from attending it regularly; but that, +during my absence, she had been trying to interest some wealthy friends +in the collection of money, to enable us, after my return in the spring, +to commence again upon a little larger scale. To effect this, she proposed +to hold a fair during the winter after my return; and we concluded that +the first meeting for this purpose should be held during my visit in New +York. She succeeded in calling together a few friends at her house, who +determined to form a nucleus for a Fair Association for the purpose of +raising money for the New-York Infirmary.</p> + +<p>I made a visit of a few days to Boston, and then returned again to +Cleveland. The winter passed in very much the same manner as the first, +with the difference that I spoke better English, and visited many friends +whom I had made during the preceding year. In the spring of 1856, I +graduated. Shortly after commencement, the Dean of the College (Dr. +Delamater) called upon me at the house of a friend with whom I was staying +on a visit. A call from this venerable gentleman was a thing so unusual, +that numberless conjectures as to what this visit might mean flitted +through my brain on my way to the parlor. He received me, as usual, +paternally; wished me a thousand blessings; and handed back to me the note +for one hundred and twenty dollars, payable in two years, which I had +given for the lecture-fees; telling me, that, in the meeting of the +Faculty after graduating-day it was proposed by one of the professors to +return the note to me as a gift; to which those present cheerfully gave a +unanimous vote, adding their wishes for my success, and appointing Dr. +Delamater as their delegate to inform me of the proceedings. This was a +glorious beginning, for which I am more than thankful, and for which I was +especially so at that time, when I had barely money enough to return to +New York, with very small prospects of getting means wherewith to commence +practice. The mention of this fact might be thought indiscreet by the +Faculty in Cleveland, were they still so organized as to admit women; +which, I am sorry to say, is no longer the case; though they give as their +reason, that women at present have their own medical colleges, and, +consequently, have no longer need of theirs.</p> + +<p>Before I quit the subject of the Cleveland College I must mention a fact, +which may serve as an argument against the belief that the sexes cannot +study together without exerting an injurious effect upon each other. +During the last winter of my study, there was such emulation in respect to +the graduating honors among the candidates for graduation comprising +thirty-eight male and four female students, that all studied more closely +than they had ever done before--the men not wishing to be excelled by the +women, nor the women by the men; and one of the professors afterwards told +me, that whereas it was usually a difficult thing to decide upon the three +best theses to be read publicly at the commencement, since all were more +or less indifferently written, this year the theses were all so good, that +it was necessary, to avoid doing absolute injustice, to select thirteen +from which parts should be read. Does not this prove that the stimulus of +the one sex upon the other would act rather favorably than otherwise upon +the profession? and would not the very best tonic that could be given to +the individual be to pique his <i>amour propre</i> by the danger of being +excelled by one of the opposite sex? Is not this natural? and would not +this be the best and the surest reformation of humanity and its social +condition, if left free to work out its own development?</p> + +<p>On the day following the visit of Dr. Delamater, I received a letter from +my brother-in-law, in which he told me that his business compelled him to +go to Europe for half a year; and that he had, therefore, made +arrangements for me to procure money, in case that I should need it to +commence my practice. He said that he intended to assist me afterwards; +but that, as he thought it best for my sister (his wife) to live out of +New York during his absence, he was willing to lend me as much money as I +required until his return. I accepted his offer with infinite pleasure; +for it was another instance of real friendship. He was by no means a rich +man, but was simply in the employ of a large importing house.</p> + +<p>With these prospects I left Cleveland. Immediately after my arrival in New +York, I began to look out for a suitable office; consulting Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell, with whom I had maintained a constant correspondence, in regard +to location. I soon found that I could not obtain a respectable room +without paying an exorbitant price. Some were afraid to let an office to a +female physician, lest she might turn out a spiritual medium, clairvoyant +hydropathist, &c.; others, who believed me when I told them that I had a +diploma from a regular school, and should never practise contrary to its +requirements, inquired to what religious denomination I belonged, and +whether I had a private fortune, or intended to support myself by my +practice; while the third class, who asked no questions at all, demanded +three dollars a day for a back parlor alone, without the privilege of +putting a sign on the house or the door. Now, all this may be very +aggravating, when it is absolutely necessary that one should have a place +upon which to put a sign to let the world know that she is ready to try +her skill upon suffering humanity; but it has such a strongly ludicrous +side, that I could not be provoked, in spite of all the fatigue and +disappointment of wandering over the city, when, with aching limbs, I +commenced the search afresh each morning, with the same prospect of +success. I finally gave up looking for a room, and accepted Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell's offer; to occupy her back parlor (the front one serving as her +own office); of which I took possession on the 17th of April.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, I had regularly attended the Thursday fair-meetings; wondering +how persons could afford to meet to so little purpose. There was scarcely +any life in these gatherings; and, when I saw ladies come week after week +to resume the knitting of a baby's stocking (which was always laid aside +again in an hour or two, without any marked progress), I began to doubt +whether the sale of these articles would ever bring ten thousand cents, +instead of the ten thousand dollars which it was proposed at the first +meeting to raise in order to buy a house. I used to say on Wednesday, +"To-morrow we have our fair-meeting. I wonder whether there will be, as +usual, two and a half persons present, or three and three-quarters."</p> + +<p>I grew at length heartily sick of this kind of effort, and set about +speculating what better could be done. The idea occurred to me to go from +house to house, and ask for a dime at each, which, if given, would amount +to ten dollars a day; and, with the money thus collected daily for half a +year, to establish a nucleus hospital, which, as a fixed fact, should +stimulate its friends to further assistance.</p> + +<p>I took my note-book, and wrote out the whole plan, and also calculated the +expenses of such a miniature hospital as I proposed; including furniture +beds, household utensils; every thing, in short, that was necessary in +such an institution. With this book, which I still have in my possession, +I went one evening into Dr. Blackwell's parlor, and, seating myself, told +her that <i>I</i> could not work any longer for the fair in the way that the +ladies were doing; and then read my plan to her, which I advocated long +and earnestly. She finally agreed with me that it would be better +speedily to establish a small hospital than to wait for the large sum that +had been proposed; though she did not approve of the scheme of the dime +collection, fearing that I would not only meet with great annoyances, but +would also injure my health in the effort. At that time, after some +discussion, I agreed with her: now I think that this plan would have been +better than that which I afterwards followed. On the same evening, I +proposed, and we agreed, that, on a year from that day (the 1st of May, +1857), the New-York Infirmary should be opened.</p> + +<p>I went to rest with a light heart, but rose sorrowfully in the morning. +"In one year from to-day, the Infirmary must be opened," said I to myself; +"and the funds towards it are two pairs of half-knit babies' stockings." +The day was passed in thinking what was the next best scheme to raise +money for its foundation. At length I remembered my visit to Boston, and +some friends there whose influence might help me <i>to beg</i> for an +<i>institution for American women</i>. For myself I could never have begged; I +would sooner have drowned myself: now I determined to beg money from +Americans to establish an institution for their own benefit. This plan was +disclosed to Dr. Blackwell, and agreed upon, as there was nothing risked +in it; I taking the whole responsibility.</p> + +<p>On the next day, the fair-meeting was held at Dr. Blackwell's. The new +plan was brought forward; and, although it was as yet nothing but a plan, +it acted like a warm, soft rain upon a field after a long drought. The +knitting and sewing (for which I have a private horror under all +conditions) were laid aside, to my great relief; and the project was +talked of with so much enthusiasm, that I already saw myself in +imagination making my evening visits to the patients in the New-York +Infirmary; while all the members present (and there were unusually many; I +think, six or seven) discussed the question the next day among their +circles of friends, whether Henry Ward Beecher or a physician of high +standing should make the opening speech in the institution.</p> + +<p>This excitement increased the interest exceedingly and the succeeding +meetings were quite enthusiastic. The babies' stockings were never again +resumed (don't think that, because I detested those stockings so much, I +am cruel enough to wish the little creatures to go barefoot); but plans +were made for raising money in New York, and for getting articles for sale +on a larger scale. Dr. Blackwell wrote to her sister. Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who was at that time studying in England, requesting her to +make collections among their friends in that country; which she did with +success.</p> + +<p>After having thus thoroughly impressed the public mind with the idea that +the Infirmary must be opened, we began to look about for a suitable house. +In autumn, I went to Boston to see what aid could be obtained there. I +cannot tell you here in what manner I became acquainted with a circle of +noble women, who had both means and the disposition to employ them for +such a purpose: it suffices to say, that I interested them in the +undertaking and obtained a hundred dollars towards the expenses of the +fair, together with a promise of a large table of fancy-goods, and an +invitation to come again in case any further aid was needed. At the end of +three weeks, I left Boston for Philadelphia; but here I was not +successful, as all who were interested in the medical education of women +contributed largely already to the Philadelphia College. A small table of +fancy-goods was the result of my visit there. The money and promise of +goods that I received in Boston stimulated our friends in New York to such +a degree, that, in spite of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's doubts as to whether +we should cover the expenses, the fair realized a thousand dollars. Yet +this was not half sufficient to commence the proposed hospital; and I +therefore proposed to Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell that I should go on another +begging tour through New England, while she and her sister (Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who had arrived from England a week before the fair) should +arrange matters in New York, where they had more acquaintances than I. I +went for the second time to Boston in February, and met with unexpected +success; bringing back about six hundred dollars in cash, with promises of +a like sum for the ensuing two years. I had represented our scheme as a +three-years' experiment In the mean time, the Drs. Blackwell had hired a +large, old-fashioned house, No. 64, Bleeker Street, which we had looked at +together, and which was very well suited to our purpose, devoting the rest +of their time chiefly to endeavors to interest the Legislature in our +enterprise; the result of which was, that, though nothing was granted us +that spring, the next winter, when we could show our institution in +operation, the usual dispensary grant was extended to us.</p> + +<p>On the 3d of April, I returned from Boston, and almost immediately went to +work with some of our lady-managers to order beds and to furnish the +house and dispensary, and also to superintend the internal changes. After +five weeks of hard work, I had the pleasure, on the 15th of May, 1857, of +listening in the wards of the New-York Infirmary to the opening speeches +delivered by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, Dr. Elder, and Rev. Dudley Tyng.</p> + +<p>A few days afterwards, I admitted the first house-patient and opened the +dispensary, which I attended two days in the week; Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell taking charge of it for the remaining four days. I had +offered two years' gratuitous services as my contribution to the +Infirmary, remaining there not only as resident physician, but also as +superintendent of the household and general manager; and attending to my +private practice during the afternoon. The institution grew rapidly, and +the number of dispensary patients increased to such an extent, that the +time from seven in the morning until one in the afternoon was wholly +occupied in the examination of cases. In the second year of the existence +of the Infirmary the state of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's health compelled +her to go to Europe: and for nine months Dr. Emily Blackwell and I took +charge of the business, which at this time was considerable; the +attendance at the dispensary averaging sixty daily.</p> + +<p>During the course of this year, I received letters from some of the +Trustees of the New-England Female Medical College in Boston, inquiring +whether I were inclined to take charge of a hospital in connection with +that institution. A consultation on the subject with Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell seemed to prove to us, that by doing this, and helping the +college to attain its objects, we could probably best aid the cause of the +medical education of women. After hesitating for a long time what course +to pursue, I went to Boston in the spring of 1859, in order to define in a +public address my views and position in respect to the study of medicine. +I found so great a desire prevailing for the elevation of the institution +to the standard of the male medical colleges, and such enthusiasm in +respect to the proposed hospital, that I concluded at once to leave the +Infirmary; Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's absence having proved that it could +be sustained by two, not only without loss, but with a steady increase, +secured by the good done by its existence. Having fulfilled my promise of +two years to the institution, on the 5th of June, 1859, I left for +Boston, where I am now striving to make the hospital-department as useful +as the New-York Infirmary is to the public and the students.</p> + +<p>Now, my dear Mary, you may think me very long in my story, especially in +the latter part, of which you know much already; but I could not refrain +from writing fully of this part of my life, which has been the object of +all my undertakings, and for which I have borne trials and overcome +difficulties which would have crushed nine out of ten in my position. I do +not expect that this will be the end of my usefulness; but I do expect +that I shall not have to write to you any more of my doings. It was simply +in order that you, my friend, should understand me fully, and because you +have so often expressed a wish to know my life before we met, that I +finished this work. Now you have me externally and internally, past and +present: and although there have been many influences besides which have +made their impressions on my peculiar development, yet they are not of a +nature to be spoken of as facts; as, for instance, your friendship for me.</p> + +<p>On looking back upon my past life, I may say that I am like a fine ship, +that, launched upon high seas, is tossed about by the winds and waves, +and steered against contrary currents, until finally stranded upon the +shore, where, from the materials, a small boat is built, just strong +enough to reach the port into which it had expected to enter with proudly +swelling sails. But this ambition is entirely gone; and I care now very +little whether the people recognize what is in me or not, so long as the +object for which I have lived becomes a reality.</p> + +<p>And now, my good friend, I must add one wish before I send these last few +pages to you; namely, that I may be enabled some day to go with you to +Berlin, to show you the scenes in which my childhood and youth were +passed, and to teach you on the spot the difference between Europe and +America. All other inducements to return have vanished. The death of my +father during the last year severed the last tie that bound me to my +native place. Nearly all the men who aided in promoting my wishes have +passed away; and the only stimulus that now remains to revisit the home of +my youth is the wish to wander about there with you, and perhaps two or +three other of my American friends. Until this can be accomplished, I hope +to continue my present work in the New-England Female Medical College, +which, though by no means yet what we wish it to be, is deserving of +every effort to raise it to the stand that it ought to take among the +medical institutions of America.</p> + +<p>Yours with love,</p> + +<p>Marie E. Zakrzewska.<br /> +Boston, September, 1859.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The sweet, pure song has ended. Happy she who has been permitted to set +its clear, strong notes to music. I need not murmur that my own old +hand-organ grows useless, since it has been permitted to grind out the +<i>key</i>. Yet Marie's story is told so modestly, and with so much personal +reserve, that, for the sake of the women whom we are both striving to +help, I must be forgiven for directing the public attention to a few of +its points.</p> + +<p>In all respects, the "little blind doctor" of the story is the Marie +Zakrzewska that we know. The early anecdotes give us the poetic +impressibility and the enduring muscular fibre, that make themselves felt +through the lively, facile nature. The voice that ordered the fetters +taken off of crazy Jacob is the voice we still hear in the wards of the +hospital. But that poetic impressibility did not run wild with crazy +fancies when she was left to sleep on the floor of the dead-house: the +same strong sense controlled it that started the "tassel manufactory" in +New York, where it had been meant to open a physician's office. Only +thirteen years old when she left school, she had but little aid beside a +<i>steady purpose</i> in preparing for her career. We hear of her slatternly +habits; but who would ever guess them, who remembers the quiet, tasteful +dress of later years?</p> + +<p>How free from all egotism is the record! The brain-fever which followed +her attendance on her two aunts is mentioned as quietly as if it were a +sprained foot. Who of us but can see the wearing-away of nervous energy +which took place with the perpetual care of a cancer and a somnambulist +pressed also by the hard reading suggested by Dr. Arthur Lütze? Berlin +educated the second La Chapelle; but it was for America, not Germany. The +dreadful tragedy of Dr. Schmidt's death is hardly dwelt upon long enough +to show its full effects, so fearful is our friend of intruding a personal +matter.</p> + +<p>When "Woman's Right to Labor" was printed, many persons expressed their +regret that so little was said about sin and destitution in Boston itself; +and many refused to believe that every pit-fall and snare open in the Old +World gaped as widely here. "You have only the testimony of the girls +themselves," they would reply, when I privately told them what I had not +thought it wise to print. I have never regretted yielding to the motives +which decided me to withhold much that I knew. "If they believe not Moses +and the prophets, neither would they believe though one rose from the +dead," said, of old, the divine voice; and the hearts that were not +touched by what I thought it fit to tell would never have been stirred to +energy by fuller revelations.</p> + +<p>In these pages, authenticated by a pure and cultivated woman, who holds a +high position among us, every fact at which I hinted is made plain; and +here no careless talker may challenge the record with impunity. Here, as +in New York, smooth-faced men go on board the emigrant-ship, or the +steerage of the long-expected steamer; here, as there, they make friendly +offers and tell plausible lies, which girls who have never walked the +streets of Berlin at night, nor seen the occupants of a hospital-ward at +the Charité, can hardly be expected to estimate at their just worth. The +stories which I have told of unknown sufferers are here repeated. The +grand-daughter of Krummacher marries a poor shoemaker to save herself from +vice, and poor German Mary drowns herself in the Hudson because she feels +herself a burden on a heartless brother. Better far to sink beneath its +waves than beneath the more remorseless flood which sweeps over all great +cities. Now, when the story of the Water-street cap-makers is told, to be +matched by many another in Boston itself, it is no longer some ignorant, +half-trained stranger who tells the story, but the capable, skilled woman, +who, educated for better things, made tassels and coiffures, and accepted +commissions in embroidery, till the merchants were convinced that here, +indeed, was a woman without reproach. Water-street merchants would do well +to remember hereafter that the possibilities of a Zakrzewska lie hidden in +every oppressed girl, and govern themselves accordingly. Think of this +accomplished woman, able to earn no more than thirty-six cents a day,--a +day sixteen hours long, which finished a dozen caps at three cents each! +What, then, must become of clumsy and inferior work-women? Think of it +long and patiently, till you come to see, as she bids you, the true +relation between the idleness of women and money in the Fifth Avenue and +the hunted squalor of women without money at the Five Points. Women of +Boston, the parallel stands good for you. Listen, and you may hear the +dull murmur of your own "Black Sea," as it surges against your gateway.</p> + +<p>Hasten to save those whom it has not yet overwhelmed Believe me that many +of them are as pure and good as the babes whom you cradle in cambric and +lace. If you will not save them, neither shall you save your own beloved +ones from the current which undermines like a "back-water" your costliest +churches, your most sacred homes.</p> + +<p>Caroline H. Dall.<br /> +Oct. 29, 1860.</p> + + + +<blockquote><h3>L'Envoi.</h3> + +<p>"Unbarred be all your gates, and opened wide,<br /> +Till she who honors women shall come in!"</p> + +<p>Dante: Sonnet xx.</p></blockquote> +</div> + + +<div class="footnotes"> +<h2>Footnotes</h2> + + + +<p id="fn01">[1] Pronounced Zak-shef-ska.</p> + +<p id="fn02">[2] "The undersigned, Secretary of Legation of the United States of +America, certifies that Miss Marie Elizabeth Zakrzewska has exhibited to +him very strong recommendations from the highest professional authorities +of Prussia, as a scientific, practical, experienced <i>accoucheuse</i> of +unusual talent and skill. She has been chief <i>accoucheuse</i> in the Royal +Hospital of Berlin, and possesses a certificate of her superiority from +the Board of Directors of that institution. She has not only manifested +great talent as a practitioner, but also as a teacher; and enjoys the +advantage of a moral and irreproachable private character. She has +attained this high rank over many female competitors in the same branch; +there being more than fifty[<a href="#fnA">A</a>] in the city of Berlin who threaten, by +their acknowledged excellence, to monopolize the obstetric art."</p> + +<p>Theo. S. Fay.</p> + +<p>"Legation United States, Berlin, Jan. 26, 1853."</p> + +<p>[SEAL.]</p> + +<p id="fnA"> [A] "Upon inquiry, I find that, instead of fifty, there are one hundred + and ten female <i>accoucheuses</i> in Berlin.</p> + +<p> "THEO. S. FAY."</p> + +<p id="fn03">[3] Here I have to remark, that, not being able to speak English, I +conducted my business at the different stores either in German or French, +as I easily found some of the <i>employées</i> who could speak one of these +languages.</p> +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Practical Illustration of Woman's +Right to Labor, by Marie E. 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Zakrzewska + +Release Date: February 24, 2004 [EBook #11270] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WOMAN'S RIGHT TO LABOR *** + + + + +Produced by Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +[Transcriber's Note: Footnotes have been renumbered and moved to the end.] + + + + +A Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor;" + +or, + +A Letter from Marie E. Zakrzewska, M.D. +Late of Berlin, Prussia + +Edited By + +Caroline H. Dall, + +Author of "Woman's Right To Labor," +"Historical Pictures Retouched," &c. &c. + + + + "Whoso cures the plague, + Though twice a woman, shall be called a leech." + + "And witness: she who did this thing was born + To do it; claims her license in her work." + + Aurora Leigh. + + +1860. + + + + +To the Hon. Samuel E. Sewall, Faithful Always To "Women And Work," and One +of the Best Friends of The New-England Female Medical College, The Editor +Gratefully Dedicates This Volume. + + + + + "The men (who are prating, too, on their side) cry, + 'A woman's function plainly is ... to talk.'" + + "What + He doubts is, whether we can _do_ the thing + With decent grace we've not yet done at all. + Now do it." + + "Bring your statue: + You have room." + + "None of us is mad enough to say + We'll have a grove of oaks upon that slope, + And sink the need of acorns." + + + + +Preface. + + + +It is due to myself to say, that the manner in which the Autobiography is +subordinated to the general subject in the present volume, and also the +manner in which it is _veiled_ by the title, are concessions to the +modesty of her who had the best right to decide in what fashion I should +profit by her goodness, and are very far from being my own choice. + +Caroline H. Dall. + +49. Bradford Street, Boston, +Oct. 30, 1860. + + + + +Practical Illustration of "Woman's Right to Labor" + + + +It never happens that a true and forcible word is spoken for women, that, +however faithless and unbelieving women themselves may be, some noble men +do not with heart and hand attempt to give it efficiency. + +If women themselves are hard upon their own sex, men are never so in +earnest. They realize more profoundly than women the depth of affection +and self-denial in the womanly soul; and they feel also, with crushing +certainty, the real significance of the obstacles they have themselves +placed in woman's way. + +Reflecting men are at this moment ready to help women to enter wider +fields of labor, because, on the one side, the destitution and vice they +have helped to create appalls their consciousness; and, on the other, a +profane inanity stands a perpetual blasphemy in the face of the Most High. + +I do not exaggerate. Every helpless woman is such a blasphemy. So, indeed, +is every helpless man, where helplessness is not born of idiocy or +calamity; but society neither expects, provides for, nor defends, helpless +men. + +So it happened, that, after the publication of "Woman's Right to Labor," +generous men came forward to help me carry out my plans. The best printer +in Boston said, "I am willing to take women into my office at once, if you +can find women who will submit to an apprenticeship like men." On the same +conditions, a distinguished chemist offered to take a class of women, and +train them to be first-class apothecaries or scientific observers, as they +might choose. To these offers there were no satisfactory responses. "Yes," +said the would-be printers, "we will go into an office for six months; +but, by that time, our oldest sisters will be married, and our mothers +will want us at home." + +"An apprenticeship of six years!" exclaimed the young lady of a chemical +turn. "I should like to learn very much, so that I could be a chemist, _if +I ever had to_; but poison myself for six years over those 'fumes,' not +I." It is easy to rail against society and men in general: but it is very +painful for a woman to confess her heaviest obstacle to success; namely, +the _weakness of women_. The slave who dances, unconscious of degradation +on the auction-block, is at once the greatest stimulus and the bitterest +discouragement of the antislavery reformer: so women, contented in +ignominious dependence, restless even to insanity from the need of healthy +employment and the perversion of their instincts, and confessedly looking +to marriage for salvation, are at once a stimulus to exertion, and an +obstacle in our way. But no kind, wise heart will heed this obstacle. +Having spoken plain to society, having won the sympathy of men, let us see +if we cannot compel the attention of these well-disposed but thoughtless +damsels. + +"Six years out of the very bloom of our lives to be spent in the +printing-office or the laboratory!" exclaim the dismayed band; and they +flutter out of reach along the sidewalks of Beacon Street, or through the +mazes of the "Lancers." + +But what happens ten years afterward, when, from twenty-six to thirty, +they find themselves pushed off the _pave_, or left to blossom on the +wall? Desolate, because father and brother have died; disappointed, +because well-founded hopes of a home or a "career" have failed; +impoverished, because they depended on strength or means that are +broken,--what have they now to say to the printing-office or the +apothecary's shop? They enter both gladly; with quick woman's wit, +learning as much in six months as men would in a year; but grumbling and +discontented, that, in competing with men who have spent their whole lives +in preparation, they can only be paid at half-wages. What does common +sense demand, if not that women should make thorough preparation for +trades or professions; and, having taken up a resolution, should abide by +all its consequences like men? + +Before cases like these my lips are often sealed, and my hands drop +paralyzed. Not that they alter God's truth, or make the duty of protest +against existing wrong any less incumbent: but they obscure the truth; +they needlessly complicate the duty. + +Perplexed and anxious, I have often felt that what I needed most was an +example to set before young girls,--an example not removed by superiority +of station, advantage of education, or unwonted endowment, beyond their +grasp and imitation. + +There was Florence Nightingale. But her father had a title: it was fair +to presume that her opportunities were titled also. All the girls I knew +wished they could have gone to the Crimea; while I was morally certain, +that the first amputation would have turned them all faint. There was +Dorothea Dix: she had money and time. It was not strange that she had +great success; for she started, a monomaniac in philanthropy, from the +summit of personal independence. Mrs. John Stuart Mill: had she ever +wanted bread? George Sand: the woman wasn't respectable. In short, +whomsoever I named, who had pursued with undeviating perseverance a worthy +career, my young friends had their objections ready. No one had ever been +so poor, so ill educated, so utterly without power to help herself, as +they; and, provoking as these objections were, I felt that they had force. +My young friends were not great geniuses: they were ordinary women, who +should enter the ordinary walks of life with the ordinary steadfastness +and devotion of men in the same paths; nothing more. What I wanted was an +example,--not too stilted to be useful,--a life flowing out of +circumstances not dissimilar to their own, but marked by a steady will, an +unswerving purpose. As I looked back over my own life, and wished I could +read them its lessons,--and I looked back a good way; for I was very +young, when the miserable destitution of a drunkard's wife, whom I +assisted, showed me how comfortable a thing it was to rest at the mercy of +the English common law,--as I looked back over my long interest in the +position of woman, I felt that my greatest drawback had been the want of +such an example. Every practical experiment that the world recorded had +been made under such peculiar circumstances, or from such a fortuitous +height, that it was at once rejected as a lesson. + +One thing I felt profoundly: as men sow they must reap; and so must women. +The practical misery of the world--its terrible impurity will never be +abated till women prepare themselves from their earliest years to enter +the arena of which they are ambitious, and stand there at last mature and +calm, but, above all, _thoroughly trained_; trained also at _the side of +the men_, with whom they must ultimately work; and not likely, therefore +to lose balance or fitness by being thrown, at the last moment, into +unaccustomed relations. A great deal of nonsense has been talked lately +about the unwillingness of women to enter the reading-room of the Cooper +Institute, where men also resort. + +"A woman's library," in any city, is one of the partial measures that I +deprecate: so I only partially rejoice over the late establishment of such +a library in New York. I look upon it as one of those half-measures which +must be endured in the progress of any desired reform; and, while I wish +the Cooper Institute and its reading-room God-speed with every fibre of my +consciousness, I have no words with which to express my shame at the +mingled hypocrisy and indelicacy of those who object to use it. What woman +stays at home from a ball because she will meet men there? What woman +refuses to walk Broadway in the presence of the stronger sex? What woman +refuses to buy every article of her apparel from the hands of a man, or to +let the woman's tailor or shoemaker take the measure of her waist or foot; +try on and approve her coiffure or bernouse? + +What are we to think, then, of the delicacy which shrinks from the +reading-room frequented by men; which discovers so suddenly that magazines +are more embarrassing than mazourkas; that to read in a cloak and hat +before a man is more indelicate than to waltz in his presence half denuded +by fashion? + +Of course, we are to have no patience with it, and to refuse utterly to +entertain a remonstrance so beneath propriety. + +The object of my whole life has been to inspire in women a desire for +_thorough training_ to some special end, and a willingness to share the +training of men both for specific and moral reasons. Only by sharing such +training can women be sure that they will be well trained; only by +God-ordained, natural communion of all men and women can the highest moral +results be reached. + +"Free labor and free society:" I have said often to myself, in these two +phrases lies hidden the future purification of society. When men and women +go everywhere together, the sights they dare not see together will no +longer exist. + +Fair and serene will rise before them all heights of possible attainment; +and, looking off over the valleys of human endeavor together, they will +clear the forest, drain the morass, and improve the interval stirred by a +common impulse. + +When neither has any thing to hide from the other, no social duty will +seem too difficult to be undertaken; and, when the interest of each sex is +to secure the purity of the other, neither religion nor humanity need +despair of the result. + +It was while fully absorbed in thoughts and purposes like these, that, in +the autumn of 1856, I first saw Marie Zakrzewska.[1] During a short visit +to Boston (for she was then resident in New York), a friend brought her +before a physiological institute, and she addressed its members. + +She spoke to them of her experience in the hospital at Berlin, and showed +that the most sinning, suffering woman never passed beyond the reach of a +woman's sympathy and help. She had not, at that time, thoroughly mastered +the English language; though it was quite evident that she was fluent, +even to eloquence, in German. Now and then, a word failed her; and, with a +sort of indignant contempt at the emergency, she forced unaccustomed words +to do her service, with an adroitness and determination that I never saw +equalled. I got from it a new revelation of the power of the English +language. She illustrated her noble and nervous thoughts with incidents +from her own experience one of which was told in a manner which impressed +it for ever on my consciousness. + +"Soon after I entered the hospital," said Marie, "the nurse called me to a +ward where sixteen of the most forlorn objects had begun to fight with +each other. The inspector and the young physicians had been called to +them, but dared not enter the _melee_. When I arrived, pillows, chairs, +foot-stools and vessels had deserted their usual places; and one stout +little woman, with rolling eyes and tangled hair, lifted a vessel of +slops, which she threatened to throw all over me, as she exclaimed, 'Don't +dare to come here, you green young thing!' + +"I went quietly towards her, saying gently, 'Be ashamed, my dear woman, of +your fury.' + +"Her hands dropped. Seizing me by the shoulder she exclaimed, 'You don't +mean that you look on me as a woman?' + +"'How else?' I answered; while she retreated to her bed, all the rest +standing in the attitudes into which passion had thrown them. + +"'Arrange your beds,' I said; 'and in fifteen minutes let me return, and +find every thing right.' When I returned, all was as I had desired; every +woman standing at her bedside. The short woman was missing; but, bending +on each a friendly glance, I passed through the ward, which never gave me +any more trouble. + +"When, late at night, I entered my room, it was fragrant with violets. A +green wreath surrounded an old Bible, and a little bouquet rested upon +it. I did not pause to speculate over this sentimentality, but threw +myself weary upon the bed; when a light tap at the door startled me. The +short woman entered; and humbling herself on the floor, since she would +not sit in my presence entreated to be heard. + +"'You called me a woman,' she said, 'and you pity us. Others call us by +the name the world gives us. You would help us, if help were possible. All +the girls love you, and are ashamed before you; and therefore _I_ hate +you--no: I will not hate you any longer. There was a time when I might +have been saved,--I and Joanna and Margaret and Louise. We were not bad. +Listen to me. If _you_ say there is any hope, I will yet be an honest +woman.' + +"She had had respectable parents; and, when twenty years old, was deserted +by her lover, who left her three months pregnant. Otherwise kind, her +family perpetually reproached her with her disgrace, and threatened to +send her away. At last, she fled to Berlin; keeping herself from utter +starvation, by needlework. In the hospital to which she went for +confinement, she took the small-pox. When she came out, with her baby in +her arms, her face was covered with red blotches. Not even the lowest +refuge was open to her, her appearance was so frightful. With her baby +dragging at her empty breast, she wandered through the streets. An old hag +took pity on both; and, carefully nursed till health returned, her good +humor and native wit made those about her forget her ugly face. She was in +a brothel, where she soon took the lead. Her child died, and she once more +attempted to earn her living as a seamstress. She was saved from +starvation only by her employer, who received her as his mistress. Now her +luck changed: she suffered all a woman could; handled poison and the +firebrand. 'I thought of stealing,' she said, 'only as an amusement: it +was not exciting enough for a trade.'. She found herself in prison; and +was amused to be punished for a trifle, when nobody suspected her crime. +It was horrible to listen to these details; more horrible to witness her +first repentance. + +"When I thanked her for her violets, she kissed my hands, and promised to +be good. + +"While she remained in the hospital, I took her as my servant, and trusted +every thing to her; and, when finally discharged, she went out to service. +She wished to come with me to America. I could not bring her; but she +followed, and, when I was in Cleveland, inquired for me in New York." + +It will be impossible, for those who have not heard such stories from the +lips and in the dens of the sufferers, to feel as I felt when this dropped +from the pure lips of the lecturer. For the first time I saw a woman who +knew what I knew, felt what I felt, and was strong in purpose and power to +accomplish our common aim,--the uplifting of the fallen, the employment of +the idle, and the purification of society. + +I needed no farther introduction to Marie Zakrzewska. I knew nothing of +her previous history or condition; but when I looked upon her clear, broad +forehead, I saw "Faithful unto death" bound across it like a phylactery. I +did not know how many years she had studied; but I saw thoroughness +ingrained into her very muscle. I asked no questions of the clear, strong +gaze that pierced the assembly; but I felt very sure that it could be as +tender as it was keen. For the first time I saw a woman in a public +position, about whom I felt thoroughly at ease; competent to all she had +undertaken, and who had undertaken nothing whose full relations to her sex +and society she did not understand. + +I thanked God for the sight, and very little thought that I should see +her again. She came once more, and we helped her to establish the Women's +Infirmary in New York; again, and we installed her as Resident Physician +in the New-England Female Medical College. + +I had never felt any special interest in this college. I was willing it +should exist as one of the half-way measures of which I have spoken,--like +the reading-room in New York; but I was bent on opening the colleges which +already existed to women, and I left it to others to nurse the young life +of this. The first medical men, I felt assured, would never, in the +present state of public opinion, take an interest in a _female_ college; +and I desired, above all things, to protect women from second-rate +instruction. + +But, when Marie Zakrzewska took up her residence in Springfield Street, it +was impossible to feel indifferent. Here was a woman born to inspire +faith; meeting all men as her equals till they proved themselves superior; +capable of spreading a contagious fondness for the study of medicine, as +Dr. Black once kindled a chemical enthusiasm in Edinburgh. + +Often did I ponder her past life, which had left significant lines on +face and form. We met seldom,--always with perfect trust. Whatever I might +have to say, I should have felt sure of being understood, if I had not +seen her for six months; nor could she have failed to find a welcome in my +heart for any words of hers. + +Then I heard the course of lectures which she delivered to ladies in the +spring of 1860. For the first time, I heard a woman speak of scientific +subjects in a way that satisfied me; nor should I have blushed to find +scientific men among her audience. I had felt, from the first, that her +life might do what my words never could: namely, inspire women with faith +to try their own experiments; give them a dignity, which should refuse to +look forward to marriage as an end, while it would lead them to accept it +gladly as a providential help. I did not fear that she would be untrue to +her vocation, or easily forsake it for a more domestic sphere. She had not +entered it, I could see, without measuring her own purpose and its use. + +It was with such feelings, and such knowledge of Marie, that in a private +conversation, last summer with Miss Mary L. Booth of New York, I heard +with undisguised pleasure that she had in her possession an autobiography +of her friend, in the form of a letter. I really longed to get possession +of that letter so intensely, that I dared not ask to see it: but I urged +Miss Booth to get consent to its publication; "for," I said, "no single +thing will help my work, I am convinced, so much." + +"I look forward to its publication," she replied, "with great delight: it +will be the sole labor of love, of my literary life. But neither you nor I +believe in reputations which death and posterity have not confirmed. What +reasons could I urge to Marie for its present publication?" + +"The good of her own sex," I replied, "and a better knowledge of the +intimate relations existing between free labor and a pure society. I know +nothing of our friend's early circumstances; but I cannot be mistaken in +the imprint they have left. This is one of those rare cases, in which a +life may belong to the public before it has closed." + +I returned to Boston. Later in the season, Miss Booth visited Dr. +Zakrzewska. Imagine my surprise when she came to me one day, and laid +before me the coveted manuscript. "It is yours," she said, "to publish if +you choose. I have got Marie's consent. She gave it very reluctantly; but +her convictions accord with yours, and she does not think she has any +right to refuse. As for me," Miss Booth continued, "I resign without +regret my dearest literary privilege, because I feel that the position you +have earned in reference to 'woman's labor' entitles you to edit it." + +In an interview which I afterwards held with Marie Zakrzewska, she gave me +to understand, that, had she been of American birth, she would never have +consented to the publication of her letter in her lifetime. "But," she +said, "I am a foreigner. You who meet me and sustain me are entitled to +know something of my previous history. Those whom I most loved are dead; +not a word of the record can pain them; not a word but may help some life +just now beginning. It will make a good sequel to 'Woman's Right to +Labor.'" + +"Only too good," I thought. "May God bless the lesson!" + +It was agreed between Miss Booth and myself, that the autobiography should +keep its original, simple form, to indicate how and why it was written: so +I invite my friends to read it at once with me. Here is something as +entertaining as a novel, and as useful as a treatise. Here is a story +which must enchant the conservative, while it inspires the reformer. The +somewhat hazy forms of Drs. Schmidt and Mueller, the king's order to the +rebellious electors, the historic prestige of a Prussian locality,--all +these will lend a magic charm to the plain lesson which New York and +Boston need. + + * * * * * + +New York, September, 1857. + +Dear Mary, + +It is especially for your benefit that I write these facts of my life. I +am not a great personage, either through inherited qualifications or the +work that I have to show to the world; yet you may find, in reading this +little sketch, that with few talents, and very moderate means for +developing them, I have accomplished more than many women of genius and +education would have done in my place, for the reason that confidence and +faith in their own powers were wanting. And, for this reason, I know that +this story might be of use to others, by encouraging those who timidly +shrink from the field of action, though endowed with all that is necessary +to enable them to come forth and do their part in life. The fact that a +woman of no extraordinary powers can make her way by the simple +determination, that whatever she can do she will do, must inspire those +who are fitted to do much, yet who do nothing because they are not +accustomed to determine and decide for themselves. + +I do not intend to weary you with details of my childhood, as I think that +children are generally very uninteresting subjects of conversation to any +except their parents, who naturally discover what is beautiful and +attractive in them, and appreciate what is said in correspondence with +their own feelings. I shall, therefore, only tell you a few facts of this +period of my life, which I think absolutely necessary to illustrate my +character and nature. + +I was born in Berlin, Prussia, on the 6th of September, 1829; and am the +eldest of a family of five sisters and one brother. My early childhood +passed happily, though heavy clouds of sorrow and care at times +overshadowed our family circle. I was of a cheerful disposition; and was +always in good humor, even when sick. I was quiet and gentle in all my +amusements: my chief delight consisting in telling stories to my sister, +one year younger than myself, who was always glad to listen to these +products of my imagination, which were wholly original; for no stories +were told me, nor had I any children's books. My heroes and heroines were +generally distinguished for some mental peculiarity,--being kind or +cruel, active or indolent,--which led them into all sorts of adventures +till it suited my caprice to terminate their career. In all our little +affairs, I took the lead, planning and directing every thing; while my +playmates seemed to take it for granted, that it was their duty to carry +out my commands. + +My memory is remarkable in respect to events that occurred at this time, +while it always fails to recall dates and names. When twenty years of age, +I asked my father what sort of a festival he took me to once, in company +with a friend of his with only one arm, when we walked through meadows +where daisies were blossoming in millions, and where we rode in carriages +that went round continually until they were wound up. My father answered, +with much surprise, that it was a public festival of the cabinet-makers, +which was celebrated in a neighboring village; and that I was, at that +time, only nineteen months old. + +He was so much interested in my story, that I related another of my +memories. One dark morning, my mother wakened me, and hastened my +dressing. After this was accomplished, she handed me a cup of something +which I had never tasted before, and which was as disagreeable as +assafoetida in later years. This was some coffee, which I had to take +instead of my usual milk. Then I went with my father to the large park +called Thiergarten, where we saw the sun rise. I began to spring about; +looking at the big oaks which seemed to reach into the heavens, or +stooping down to pluck a flower. Birds of all kinds were singing in +chorus, while the flower-beds surrounding the statue of Flora scented the +pure morning air with the sweetest of perfumes. The sun ascended, +meanwhile, from the edge of a little pond covered with water-lilies. I was +intoxicated with joy. The feeling of that morning is as fresh to-day as +when I related this to my father. I know I walked till I got fairly tired, +and we reached a solitary house beyond the park. Probably fatigue took +entire possession of me; for I remember nothing more till we were on our +way home, and the sun was setting. Then I begged for some large yellow +plums which I saw in the stores. My father bought some, but gave me only a +few; while I had a desire for all, and stole them secretly from his +pockets; so that, when we reached home, I had eaten them all. I was sick +after I went to bed, and remember taking some horrible stuff the next +morning (probably rhubarb); thus ending the day, which had opened so +poetically, in rather a prosaic manner. When I repeated this, my parents +laughed, and said that I was only twenty-six months old, when my father's +pride in his oldest child induced him to take me on this visit; when I +walked the whole way, which was about _nine miles_. These anecdotes are +worth preserving, only because they indicate an impressionable nature, and +great persistence of muscular endurance. It is peculiar, that between +these two events, and a third which occurred a year after, every thing +should be a blank. + +A little brother was then born to me, and lay undressed upon a cushion, +while my father cried with sobs. I had just completed my third year, and +could not understand why, the next day, this little thing was carried off +in a black box. + +From that time, I remember almost every day's life. + +I very soon began to manifest the course of my natural tendencies. Like +most little girls, I was well provided with dolls; and, on the day after a +new one came into my possession, I generally discovered that the dear +little thing was ill, and needed to be nursed and doctored. Porridges and +teas were accordingly cooked on my little toy stove, and administered to +the poor doll, until the _papier-mache_ was thoroughly saturated and +broken; when she was considered dead, and preparations were made for her +burial,--this ceremony being repeated over and over again. White dresses +were put on for the funeral; a cricket was turned upside-down to serve as +the coffin; my mother's flower-pots furnished the green leaves for +decoration; and I delivered the funeral oration in praise of the little +sufferer, while placing her in the tomb improvised of chairs. I hardly +ever joined the other children in their plays, except upon occasions like +these, when I appeared in the characters of doctor, priest, and +undertaker; generally improving the opportunity to moralize; informing my +audience, that Ann (the doll) had died in consequence of disobeying her +mother by going out before she had recovered from the measles, &c. Once I +remember moving my audience to tears by telling them that little Ann had +been killed by her brother, who, in amusing himself with picking off the +dry skin after she had had the scarlatina, had carelessly torn off the +real skin over the heart, as they could see; thus leaving it to beat in +the air, and causing the little one to die. This happened after we had all +had the scarlatina. + +When five years old, I was sent to a primary school. Here I became the +favorite of the teacher of arithmetic; for which study I had quite a +fancy. The rest of the teachers disliked me. They called me unruly because +I would not obey arbitrary demands without receiving some reason, and +obstinate because I insisted on following my own will when I knew that I +was in the right. I was told that I was not worthy to be with my +playmates; and when I reached the highest class in the school, in which +alone the boys and girls were taught separately, I was separated from the +latter, and was placed with the boys by way of punishment, receiving +instructions with them from men, while the girls in the other class were +taught by women. Here I found many friends. I joined the boys in all their +sports; sliding and snow-balling with them in winter, and running and +playing ball in summer. With them I was merry, frank, and self-possessed; +while with the girls I was quiet, shy, and awkward. I never made friends +with the girls, or felt like approaching them. + +Once only, when I was eleven years old, a girl in the young ladies' +seminary in which I had been placed when eight years of age won my +affection. This was Elizabeth Hohenhorst, a child of twelve, remarkably +quiet, and disposed to melancholy. She was a devout Catholic; and, knowing +that she was fated to become a nun, was fitting herself for that dreary +destiny, which rendered her very sentimental She was full of fanciful +visions, but extremely sweet and gentle in her manners. My love for her +was unbounded. I went to church in her company, was present at all the +religious festivals, and accompanied her to receive religious instruction: +in short, I made up my mind to become a Catholic, and, if possible, a nun +like herself. My parents, who were Rationalists, belonging to no church, +gave me full scope to follow out my own inclinations; leaving it to my +nature to choose for me a fitting path. This lasted until Elizabeth went +for the first time to the confessional; and, when the poor innocent child +could find no other sin of which to speak than the friendship which she +cherished for a Protestant, the priest forbade her to continue this, until +I, too, had become a Catholic; reminding her of the holiness of her future +career. The poor girl conscientiously promised to obey. When I came the +next morning and spoke to her as usual, she turned away from me, and burst +into tears. Surprised and anxious, I asked what was the matter; when, in a +voice broken with sobs, she told me the whole story, and begged me to +become a Catholic as soon as I was fourteen years old. Never in my whole +life shall I forget that morning. For a moment, I gazed on her with the +deepest emotion, pitying her almost more than myself; then suddenly turned +coldly and calmly away, without answering a single word. My mind had +awakened to the despotism of Roman Catholicism, and the church had lost +its expected convert. I never went near her again, and never exchanged +another word with her. This was the only friend I had during eight and a +half years of uninterrupted attendance at school. + +A visit that I paid to my maternal grandfather, when seven or eight years +old, made a strong impression on my mind. My grandfather, on his return +from the war of 1813-15, in which he had served, had received from the +authorities of Prenzlau (the city in which he lived) a grant of a +half-ruined cloister, with about a hundred acres of uncultivated land +attached, by way of acknowledgment for his services. He removed thither +with his family; and shortly after invited the widows of some soldiers, +who lived in the city, to occupy the apartments which he did not need. The +habitable rooms were soon filled to overflowing with widows and orphans, +who went to work with him to cultivate the ground. It was not long before +crippled and invalid soldiers arrived, begging to be allowed to repair the +cloister, and to find a shelter also within its walls. They were set to +work at making brick, the material for which my grandfather had discovered +on his land: and, in about five years, an institution was built, the more +valuable from the fact that none lived there on charity, but all earned +what they needed by cultivating the ground; having first built their own +dwelling, which, at this time, looked like a palace, surrounded by trees, +grass, and flowers. Here, in the evening, the old soldiers sung martial +songs, or told stories of the wars to the orphans gathered about them, +while resting from the labors of the day. + +I tell you of this institution so minutely, to prove to you how wrong it +is to provide charitable homes for the poor as we provide them,--homes in +which the charity always humiliates and degrades the individual. Here you +have an instance in which poor crippled invalids and destitute women and +children established and supported themselves, under the guidance of a +clear-headed, benevolent man, who said, "Do what you like, but work for +what you need." He succeeded admirably, though he died a very poor man; +his younger children becoming inmates of the establishment, until they +were adopted by their relatives. + +When I visited my grandfather, the "convent," as he insisted on calling +it,--rejecting any name that would have indicated a charitable +institution,--contained about a hundred invalid soldiers, a hundred old +women, and two hundred and fifty orphans. One of the wings of the building +was fitted up as a hospital, and a few of the rooms were occupied by +lunatics. It was my greatest delight to take my grandfather's hand at +noon, as he walked up and down the dining-room, between the long tables, +around which were grouped so many cheerful, hearty faces; and I stood +before him with an admiration that it is impossible to describe, as he +prayed, with his black velvet cap in his hand, before and after dinner; +though I could not comprehend why he should thank another person for what +had been done, when every one there told me that all that they had they +owed to my grandfather. + +One afternoon, on returning from the dining-room to his study, I spied on +his desk a neatly written manuscript. I took it up, and began to read. It +was a dissertation on immortality, attempting by scientific arguments to +prove its impossibility. I became greatly interested, and read on without +noticing that my grandfather had left the room, nor that the large bell +had rung to call the family to dinner. My grandfather, a very punctual +man, who would never allow lingering, came back to call and to reprimand +me; when he suddenly started on seeing the paper in my hands, and, +snatching it from me, tore it in pieces, exclaiming, "That man is insane, +and will make this child so too!" A little frightened, I went to the +dinner-table, thinking as much about my grandfather's words as about what +I had read; without daring, however, to ask who this man was. The next +day, curiosity mastered fear. I asked my grandfather who had written that +paper; and was told, in reply, that it was poor crazy Jacob. I then begged +to see him; but this my grandfather decidedly refused, saying that he was +like a wild beast, and lay, without clothes, upon the straw. I knew +nothing of lunatics; and the idea of a wild man stimulated my curiosity to +such an extent, that, from that time, I teased my grandfather incessantly +to let me see Jacob, until he finally yielded, to be rid of my +importunity, and led me to the cell in which he was confined. What a +spectacle presented itself in the house that I had looked on as the abode +of so much comfort! On a bundle of straw, in a corner of a room, with no +furniture save its bare walls, sat a man, clad only in a shirt; with the +left hand chained to the wall, and the right foot to the floor. An +inkstand stood on the floor by his side; and on his knee was some paper, +on which he was writing. His hair and beard were uncombed, and his fine +eyes glared with fury as we approached him. He tried to rise, ground his +teeth, made grimaces, and shook his fist at my grandfather, who tried in +vain to draw me out of the room. But, escaping from his grasp, I stepped +towards the lunatic, who grew more quiet when he saw me approach; and I +tried to lift the chain, which had attracted my attention. Then, finding +it too heavy for me, I turned to my grandfather and asked, "Does not this +hurt the poor man?" I had hardly spoken the words when his fury returned, +and he shrieked,-- + +"Have I not always told you that you were cruel to me? Must this child +come to convince you of your barbarity? Yes: you have no heart." + +I looked at my grandfather: all my admiration of him was gone; and I said, +almost commandingly,--"Take off these chains! It is bad of you to tie this +man!" + +The man grew calm at once, and asked imploringly to be set free; +promising to be quiet and tractable if my grandfather would give him a +trial. This was promised him: his chains were removed the same day; and +Jacob was ever after not only harmless and obedient, but also a very +useful man in the house. + +I never afterwards accompanied my grandfather. I had discovered a side in +his nature which repelled me. I spent the remainder of my visit in the +workrooms and the sickroom, always secretly fearing that I should meet +with some new cruelty; but no such instance ever came to my view. + +On my return from my grandfather's, I found that a cousin had suddenly +become blind. She was soon after sent to the ophthalmic hospital, where +she remained for more than a year; and, during this time, I was her +constant companion after school-hours. I was anxious to be useful to her; +and, being gentler than the nurse, she liked to have me wash out the +issues that were made in her back and arms. The nurse, who was very +willing to be relieved of the duty, allowed me to cleanse the eyes of the +girl next my cousin; and thus these cares were soon made to depend on my +daily visit. Child as I was, I could not help observing the carelessness +of the nurses, and their great neglect of cleanliness. One day, when the +head-nurse had washed the floor, leaving pools of water standing under the +beds, the under-nurse found fault with it, and said, "I shall tell the +doctor, when he comes, why it is that the patients always have colds." +"Do," said the head-nurse. "What do men understand of such matters? If +they knew any thing about them, they would long ago have taken care that +the mattress upon which one patient dies should always be changed before +another comes in." This quarrel impressed itself upon my memory; and the +wish rose in my mind, that some day I might be head-nurse, to prevent such +wrongs, and to show kindness to the poor lunatics. + +At the end of the year, my cousin left the hospital At the same time, +trouble and constant sickness fell upon our family. My father, who held +liberal opinions and was of an impetuous temperament manifested some +revolutionary tendencies, which drew upon him the displeasure of the +government and caused his dismissal, with a very small pension, from his +position as military officer. This involved us in great pecuniary +difficulties; for our family was large, and my father's income too small +to supply the most necessary wants; while to obtain other occupation for +the time was out of the question In this emergency, my mother determined +to petition the city government for admission to the school of midwives +established in Berlin, in order in this manner to aid in the support of +the family. Influential friends of my father secured her the election; and +she was admitted to the school in 1839, I being at that time ten years of +age. + +The education of midwives for Berlin requires a two years' course of +study, during six months of which they are obliged to reside in the +hospital, to receive instructions from the professors together with the +male students. My mother went there in the summer of 1840. I went to stay +at the house of an aunt, who wished my company; and the rest of the +children were put out to board together. + +In a few weeks, my eyes became affected with weakness, so that I could +neither read nor write; and I begged my mother to let me stay with her in +the hospital. She applied for permission to the director, and received a +favorable answer. I was placed under the care of one of the physicians +(Dr. Mueller), who took a great fancy to me, and made me go with him +wherever he went while engaged in the hospital. My eyes being bandaged, he +led me by the hand, calling me his "little blind doctor." In this way I +was constantly with him, hearing all his questions and directions, which +impressed themselves the more strongly on my mind from the fact that I +could not see, but had to gain all my knowledge through hearing alone. + +One afternoon, when I had taken the bandage off my eyes for the first +time, Dr. Muller told me that there was a corpse of a young man to be seen +in the dead-house, that had turned completely green in consequence of +poison that he had eaten. I went there after my rounds with him: but +finding the room filled with relatives, who were busily engaged in +adorning the body with flowers, I thought that I would not disturb them, +but would wait until they had gone before I looked at it; and went +meanwhile through the adjoining rooms. These were all freshly painted. The +dissecting-tables, with the necessary apparatus, stood in the centre; +while the bodies, clad in white gowns, were ranged on boards along the +walls. I examined every thing; came back, and looked to my heart's content +at the poisoned young man, without noticing that not only the relatives +had left, but that the prosector had also gone away, after locking up the +whole building I then went a second time to the other rooms, and looked +again at every thing there; and at last, when it became dark and I could +not leave the house, sat down upon the floor, and went to sleep, after +knocking for half an hour at the door, in the hope that some passer might +hear. + +My mother, who knew that I had gone with Dr. Mueller, did not trouble +herself about me until nine o'clock, when she grew uneasy at my stay; and, +thinking that he might have taken me to his rooms, went there in search of +me, but found that he was out, and that the doors were locked. She then +inquired of the people in the house whether they knew any thing about me, +and was told that they had last seen me going into the dead-house. Alarmed +at this intelligence, my mother hastened to the prosector, who unwillingly +went with her to the park in which the dead-house stood, assuring her all +the way that I could not possibly be there; when, on opening the door, he +saw me sitting close by, on the floor, fast asleep. + +In a few days after this adventure, I recovered the use of my eyes. As it +was at this time the summer vacation, in which I had no school-tasks, I +asked Dr. Mueller for some books to read. He inquired what kind of books I +wanted. I told him, "Books about history;" upon which he gave me two huge +volumes,--The "History of Midwifery" and the "History of Surgery." Both +were so interesting that I read them through during the six weeks of +vacation; which occupied me so closely that even my friend Dr. Mueller +could not lay hold of me when he went his morning and evening rounds. From +this time I date my study of medicine; for, though I did not continue to +read upon the subject, I was instructed in the no less important branch of +psychology by a new teacher, whom I found on my return to school at the +close of the summer vacation. + +To explain better how my mind was prepared for such teaching, I must go +back to my position in school. In both schools that I attended, I was +praised for my punctuality, industry, and quick perception. Beloved I was +in neither: on the contrary, I was made the target for all the impudent +jokes of my fellow-pupils; ample material for which was furnished in the +carelessness with which my hair and dress were usually arranged; these +being left to the charge of a servant, who troubled herself very little +about how I looked, provided that I was whole and clean. The truth was, I +often presented a ridiculous appearance; and once I could not help +laughing heartily at myself, on seeing my own face by accident in a +glass, with one braid of hair commencing over the right eye, and the other +over the left ear. I quietly hung a map over the glass to hide the +ludicrous picture, and continued my studies; and most likely appeared in +the same style the next day. My face, besides, was neither handsome, nor +even prepossessing; a large nose overshadowing the undeveloped features: +and I was ridiculed for my ugliness, both in school and at home, where an +aunt of mine, who disliked me exceedingly, always said, in describing +plain people, "Almost as ugly as Marie." + +Another cause arose to render my position at school still more +intolerable. In consequence of the loss of his position in the army, my +father could no longer afford to pay my school-bills; and was about, in +consequence, to remove me from school; when the principal offered to +retain me without pay, although she disliked me, and did not hesitate to +show it, any more than to tell me, whenever I offended her, that she would +never keep so ugly and naughty a child _without being paid for it_, were +it not for the sake of so noble a father. + +These conditions and harsh judgments made me a philosopher. I heard myself +called obstinate and wilful, only because I believed myself in the right, +and persisted in it. I felt that I was not maliciously disposed towards +any one, but wished well to all; and I offered my services not only +willingly, but cheerfully, wherever they could be of the least use; and +saw them accepted, and even demanded, by those who could not dispense with +them, though they shunned and ridiculed me the same as before. I felt that +they only sought me when they needed me: this made me shrink still more +from their companionship; and, when my sister did not walk home from +school with me, I invariably went alone. + +The idea that I might not wish to attach myself to playmates of this sort +never occurred to any one; but I was constantly reproached with having no +friends among my schoolfellows, and was told that no one could love so +disagreeable and repelling a child. This was a severe blow to my +affectionate nature; but I bore it calmly, consoling myself with the +thought that they were wrong,--that they did not understand me,--and that +the time would come, when they would learn that a great, warm heart was +concealed beneath the so-called repulsive exterior. But, however soothing +all this was for the time, a feeling of bitterness grew up within me. I +began to be provoked at my ugliness, which I believed to be excessive. I +speculated why parents so kind and good as mine should be deprived of +their means of support, merely because my father would not consent to +endure wrong and imposition. I was indignant at being told, that it was +only for my father's sake that I was retained in a school where I tried to +do my best, and where I always won the highest prizes; and I could not see +why, at home, I should be forced to do housework when I wanted to read, +while my brother, who wished to work, was compelled to study. When I +complained of this last grievance, I was told that I was a girl, and never +could learn much, but was only fit to become a housekeeper. All these +things threw me upon my own resources, and taught me to make the most of +every opportunity, custom and habit to the contrary notwithstanding. + +It was at this juncture that I found, on my return to school, the +psychologic instructor of whom I have spoken, in a newly engaged teacher +of history, geography, and arithmetic; all of which were my favorite +studies. With this man I formed a most peculiar friendship: he being +twenty years older than myself, and in every respect a highly educated +man; I, a child of twelve, neglected in every thing except in my +common-school education. He began by calling my attention to the +carelessness of my dress and the rudeness of my manners, and was the first +one who ever spoke kindly to me on the subject. I told him all my +thoughts; that I did not mean to be disagreeable, but that every one +thought that I could not be otherwise; that I was convinced that I was +good enough at heart; and that I had at last resigned myself to my +position, as something that could not be helped. My new friend lectured me +on the necessity of attracting others by an agreeable exterior and +courteous manners; and proved to me that I had unconsciously repelled them +by my carelessness, even when trying the most to please. His words made a +deep impression on me. I thanked him for every reproach, and strove to do +my best to gain his approbation. Henceforth my hair was always carefully +combed, my dress nicely arranged, and my collar in its place; and, as I +always won the first prizes in the school, two of the other teachers soon +grew friendly towards me, and began to manifest their preference quite +strongly. In a few months I became a different being. The bitterness that +had been growing up within me gradually disappeared; and I began to have +confidence in myself, and to try to win the companionship of the other +children. But a sudden change took place in my schoolmates, who grew +envious of the preference shown me by the teachers. Since they could no +longer ridicule me for the carelessness of my dress, they now began to +reproach me for my vanity, and to call me a coquette, who only thought of +pleasing through appearances. This blow was altogether too hard for me to +bear. I knew that they were wrong: for, with all the care I bestowed on my +dress, it was not half so fine as theirs; as I had but two calico dresses, +which I wore alternately, a week at a time, through the summer. I was +again repelled from them; and at noon, when the rest of the scholars went +home, I remained with my teacher-friend in the schoolroom, assisting him +in correcting the exercises of the pupils. I took the opportunity to tell +him of the curious envy that had taken possession of the girls; upon which +he began to explain to me human nature and its fallacies, drawing +inferences therefrom for personal application. He found a ready listener +in me. My inclination to abstract thought, combined with the unpleasant +experience I had had in life, made me an attentive pupil, and fitted me to +comprehend his reasoning in the broadest sense. For fifteen months, I thus +spent the noon-hour with him in the schoolroom; receiving lessons in and +reasoning upon concrete and abstract matters, that have since proved of +far more psychologic value to me than ten years of reading on the same +subjects could do. A strong attachment grew up between us: he became a +necessity to me, and I revered him like an oracle. But his health failed; +and he left the school at the end of these fifteen months, in a +consumption. Shortly after, he sent to the school for me one morning to +ask me to visit him on his deathbed. I was not permitted to leave the +class until noon; when, just as I was preparing to go, a messenger came to +inform the principal that he had died at eleven. This blow fell so heavily +upon me, that I wished to leave the school at once. I was forced to stay +three weeks longer, until the end of the quarter; when I left the +schoolroom on the 1st of April, 1843, at the age of thirteen years and +seven months, and never entered it again. + +On the same day that I quitted my school, an aunt, with whom I was a +favorite, was attacked with a violent hemorrhage from the lungs, and +wished me to come to stay with her. This suited my taste. I went; and, for +a fortnight, was her sole nurse. + +Upon my return home, my father told me, that, having quitted school, I +must now become a thorough housekeeper, of whom he might be proud; as this +was the only thing for which girls were intended by nature. I cheerfully +entered upon my new apprenticeship, and learned how to sweep, to scrub, to +wash, and to cook. This work answered very well as long as the novelty +lasted; but, as soon as this wore off, it became highly burdensome. Many a +forenoon, when I was alone, instead of sweeping and dusting, I passed the +hours in reading books from my father's library, until it grew so late, +that I was afraid that my mother, who had commenced practice, would come +home, and scold me for not attending to my work; when I would hurry to get +through, doing every thing so badly, that I had to hear daily that I was +good for nothing, and a nuisance in the world; and that it was not at all +surprising that I was not liked in school, for nobody could ever like or +be satisfied with me. + +Meanwhile, my mother's practice gradually increased; and her generous and +kindly nature won the confidence of hundreds, who, wretchedly poor, found +in her, not only a humane woman, but a most skilful practitioner. The poor +are good judges of professional qualifications. Without the aid that +money can buy, without the comforts that the wealthy hardly heed, and +without friends whose advice is prompted by intelligence, they must depend +entirely upon the skill and humanity of those to whom they apply. Their +life and happiness are placed in the hands of the physician, and they +jealously regard the one to whom they intrust them. None but a good +practitioner can gain fame and praise in this class, which is thought so +easily satisfied. It is often said, "Oh! those people are poor, and will +be glad of any assistance." Far from it. There is no class so entirely +dependent for their subsistence upon their strength and health; these +constitute their sole capital, their stock in trade: and, when sick, they +anxiously seek out the best physicians; for, if unskilfully attended, they +may lose their all, their fortune, and their happiness. + +My mother went everywhere, both night and day; and it soon came to pass, +that when she was sent for, and was not at home, I was deputed to go in +search of her. In this way I gradually became a regular appendage to my +mother; going with her in the winter nights from place to place, and +visiting those whom she could not visit during the day. I remember that in +January, 1845, my mother attended thirty-five women in childbed,--the list +of names is still in my possession,--and visited from sixteen to +twenty-five daily, with my assistance. I do not think, that, during the +month, we were in bed for one whole night. Two-thirds of these patients +were unable to pay a cent. During these years, I learned all of life that +it was possible for a human being to learn. I saw nobleness in dens, and +meanness in palaces; virtue among prostitutes, and vice among so-called +respectable women. I learned to judge human nature correctly; to see +goodness where the world found nothing but faults, and also to see faults +where the world could see nothing but virtue. The experience thus gained +cost me the bloom of youth; yet I would not exchange it for a life of +everlasting juvenescence. To keep up appearances is the aim of every one's +life; but to fathom these appearances, and judge correctly of what is +beneath them, ought to be the aim of those who seek to draw true +conclusions from life, or to benefit others by real sympathy. + +One fact I learned, both at this time and afterwards; namely, that men +always sympathize with fallen and wretched women, while women themselves +are the first to raise and cast the stone at them. Why is this? Have not +women as much feeling as men? Why, women are said to be made up entirely +of feeling. How does it happen, then, that women condemn where men pity? +Do they do this in the consciousness of their own superior virtue? Ah, no! +for many of the condemning are no better than the condemned. The reason +is, that men know the world; that is, they know the obstacles in the path +of life, and that they draw lines to exclude women from earning an honest +livelihood, while they throw opportunities in their way to earn their +bread by shame. All men are aware of this: therefore the good as well as +the bad give pity to those that claim it. It is my honest and earnest +conviction, that the reason that men are unwilling for women to enter upon +public or business life is, not so much the fear of competition, or the +dread lest women should lose their gentleness, and thus deprive society of +this peculiar charm, as the fact that they are ashamed of the foulness of +life which exists outside of the house and home. The good man knows that +it is difficult to purify it: the bad man does not wish to be disturbed in +his prey upon society. If I could but give to all women the tenth part of +my experience, they would see that this is true; and would see, besides, +that only faith in ourselves and in each other is needed to work a +reformation. Let woman enter fully into business, with its serious +responsibilities and duties; let it be made as honorable and as profitable +to her as to men; let her have an equal opportunity for earning competence +and comfort,--and we shall need no other purification of society. Men are +no more depraved than women; or, rather, the total depravity of mankind is +a lie. + +From the time of my leaving school until I was fifteen years old, my life +was passed, as I have described, in doing housework, attending the sick +with my mother, and reading a few books of a scientific and literary +character. At the end of this time, a letter came from an aunt of my +mother's, who was ill, and whose adopted daughter (who was my mother's +sister) was also an invalid, requesting me to visit and nurse them. I went +there in the fall. This was probably the most decisive event of my life. +My great-aunt had a cancer that was to be taken out. The other was +suffering from a nervous affection, which rendered her a confirmed +invalid. She was a most peculiar woman, and was a clairvoyant and +somnambulist of the most decided kind. Though not ill-natured, she was +full of caprices that would have exhausted the patience of the most +enduring of mortals. + +This aunt of mine had been sick in bed for seven years with a nervous +derangement, which baffled the most skilful physicians who had visited +her. Her senses were so acute, that one morning she fell into convulsions +from the effect of distant music which she heard. None of us could +perceive it, and we fully believed that her imagination had produced this +result. But she insisted upon it; telling us that the music was like that +of the Bohemian miners, who played nothing but polkas. I was determined to +ascertain the truth; and really found, that, in a public garden one and a +half miles from her house, such a troop had played all the afternoon. No +public music was permitted in the city, because the magistrate had +forbidden it on her account. + +She never was a Spiritualist, though she frequently went into what is now +called a trance. She spoke, wrote, sang, and had presentiments of the +finest kind, in this condition,--far better than I have ever seen here in +America in the case of the most celebrated mediums. + +She even prescribed for herself with success, yet was not a Spiritualist. +She was a somnambulist; and, though weak enough when awake, threatened +several times to pull the house down, by her violence in this condition. +She had strength like a lion, and no man could manage her. I saw the same +thing in the hospital later. This aunt is now healthy; not cured by her +own prescriptions or the magnetic or infinitesimal doses of Dr. Arthur +Lutze, but by a strong emotion which took possession of her at the time of +my great-aunt's death. She is not sorry that she has lost all these +strange powers, but heartily glad of it. When she afterwards visited us in +Berlin, she could speak calmly and quietly of the perversion to which the +nervous system may become subject, if managed wrongly; and could not tell +how glad she was to be rid of all the emotions and notions she had been +compelled to dream out. Over-care and over-anxiety had brought this about; +and the same causes could again bring on a condition which the ancients +deemed holy, and which the psychologist treats as one bordering on +insanity. + +The old aunt was extremely suspicious and avaricious. Eight weeks after my +arrival, she submitted to an operation. The operating surgeon found me so +good an assistant, that he intrusted me often with the succeeding dressing +of the wound. For six weeks, I was the sole nurse of the two; going from +one room to the other both night and day, and attending to the household +matters beside, with no other assistant than a woman who came every +morning for an hour or two to do the rough work; while an uncle and a +boy-cousin were continually troubling me with their torn buttons, &c. + +I learned in this time to be cheerful and light-hearted in all +circumstances; going often into the anteroom to have a healthy, hearty +laugh. My surroundings were certainly any thing but inspiring. I had the +sole responsibility of the two sick women; the one annoying me with her +caprices, the other with her avarice. In one room, I heard fanciful +forebodings; in the other, reproaches for having used a teaspoonful too +much sugar. I always had to carry the key of the storeroom to the old +aunt, in order that she might be sure that I could not go in and eat bread +when I chose. At the end of six weeks, she died; and I put on mourning for +the only time in my life, certainly not through grief. + +Shortly after the death of my aunt, the attending physician introduced me +to a disciple of Hahnemann by the name of Arthur Lutze; who was, I think, +a doctor of philosophy,--certainly not of medicine. Besides being an +infinitesimal homeopathist this man was a devotee to mesmerism. He became +very friendly towards me, and supplied me with books; telling me that I +would not only make a good homeopathic physician, but also an excellent +medium for mesmerism, magnetism, &c. At all events, I was glad to get the +books, which I read industriously; while he constantly supplied me with +new ones, so that I had quite a library when he left the place, which he +did before my return. He, too, lived in Berlin, and inquired my residence; +promising to visit me there, and to teach me the art he practised. + +I remained with my aunt until late in the spring; when my health failed, +and I returned home. I was very ill for a time with brain-fever; but at +last recovered, and set to work industriously to search for information in +respect to the human body. Dr. Lutze kept his word: he visited me at my +home, gave me more books, and directed my course of reading. But my +father, who had become reconciled to my inclination to assist my mother, +was opposed to homoeopathy, and especially opposed to Dr. Arthur Lutze. He +even threatened to turn him out of the house, if I permitted him to visit +me again; and burned all my books, except one that I snatched from the +flames. + +From this time, I was resolved to learn all that I could about the human +system. I read all the books on the subject that I could get, and tried +besides to educate myself in other branches. My father was satisfied with +this disposition, and was glad to hear me propose to have a French teacher +in the house, both for my sake and for that of the other children. I +studied in good earnest by myself at the same time, going through the +usual discipline of German girls. I learned plain sewing, dress-making and +the management of the household; but was allowed to use my leisure time as +I pleased. When my sisters went skating, I remained at home to study; when +they went to balls and theatres, I was thought the proper person to stay +to watch the house. Having become so much older, I was now of great +assistance to my mother in her business. No one complained any longer of +my ugliness or my rudeness. I was always busy; and, when at liberty, +always glad to do what I could for others; and, though these years were +full of hardships, I consider them among the happiest of my life. I was as +free as it was possible for any German girl to be. + +My household duties, however, continued distasteful to me, much to the +annoyance of my father, who still contended that this was the only sphere +of woman. From being so much with my mother, I had lost all taste for +domestic life: any thing out of doors was preferable to the monotonous +routine of the household. I at length determined to follow my inclinations +by studying, in order to fit myself to become a practitioner of midwifery, +as is usual in Berlin. My father was satisfied, and pleased with this +idea, which opened the way to an independent respectable livelihood; for +he never really wished to have us seek this in marriage. My mother did not +like my resolution at all. She practised, not because she liked the +profession, but because in this way she obtained the means of being +independent and of aiding in the education of the children. I persisted, +however, in my resolution; and immediately took measures to carry it into +effect by going directly to Dr. Joseph Hermann Schmidt, the Professor of +Midwifery in the University and Schools for Midwives, and Director of the +Royal Hospital Charite; while my father, who for several years held the +position of a civil officer, made the application to the city magistrates +for me to be admitted as a pupil to the School for Midwives in which my +mother had been educated. In order to show the importance of this step, it +is necessary to explain more fully the history and organization of the +school. + +About 1735, Justina Ditrichin (the wife of Siegemund, a distinguished +civil officer of Prussia) was afflicted with an internal disease which +baffled the skill of the midwives, who had pronounced her pregnant, and +none of whom could define her disorder. After many months of suffering, +she was visited by the wife of a poor soldier, who told her what ailed +her; in consequence of which, she was cured by her physicians. This +circumstance awakened in the mind of the lady an intense desire to study +midwifery; which she did, and afterwards practised it with such success, +that, in consequence of her extensive practice, she was obliged to confine +herself solely to irregular cases. She performed all kinds of operations +with masterly skill, and wrote the first book on the subject ever +published in Germany by a woman. She was sent for from all parts of +Germany, and was appointed body-physician of the Queen, and the ladies of +the court, of Prussia and Mark Brandenburg. Through her influence, schools +were established, in which women were instructed in the science and the +art of obstetrics. She also taught many herself; and a very successful and +respectable practice soon grew up among women. After her death, however, +this was discountenanced by the physicians, who brought it into such +disrepute by their ridicule, that the educated class of women withdrew +from the profession, leaving it in the hands of ignorant pretenders, who +continued to practise it until 1818; when public attention was called to +the subject, and strict laws were enacted, by which women were required to +call in a male practitioner in every irregular case of confinement, under +penalty of from one to twenty years of imprisonment, and the forfeiture of +the right to practise. These laws still continue in force; and a +remarkable case is recorded by Dr. Schmidt of a woman, who, feeling her +own competency to manage a case committed to her care, _did not_ send for +a male physician as the law required. Although it was fully proved that +she had done every thing that could have been done in the case, her +penalty was imprisonment for twenty years. Two other cases are quoted by +Dr. Schmidt, in which male practitioners were summoned before a legal +tribunal, and it was proved that they _had not_ done that which was +necessary; yet their penalty was no heavier than that inflicted on the +woman, who had done exactly what she ought. + +At this time (1818), it was also made illegal for any woman to practise +who had not been educated. This brought the profession again into repute +among women of the higher classes. A school for midwives, supported by +the government, was established in Berlin, in which women have since +continued to be educated for practice in this city and in other parts of +Prussia. Two midwives are elected each year, by a committee, from the +applicants, to be educated for practice in Berlin; and, as they have to +study two years, there are always four of these students in the school, +two graduating every year. The remainder of the students are from the +provincial districts. To be admitted to this school is considered a stroke +of good fortune; as there are generally more than a hundred applicants, +many of whom have to wait eight or ten years before they are elected. +There is, besides, a great deal of favoritism; those women being generally +chosen who are the widows or wives of civil officers or physicians; to +whom this chance of earning a livelihood is given, in order that they may +not become a burden on the government. Though educated apart from the male +students while studying the theory of midwifery, they attend the +accouchement-ward together, and receive clinical or practical instruction +in the same class, from the same professor. + +The male students of medicine are admitted to the university at the age of +eighteen; having first been required to go through a prescribed course of +collegiate study, and to pass the requisite examination. Here they attend +the lectures of various professors, often of four or five upon the same +subject, in order to learn how it is treated from different points of +view. Then, after having thus studied for a certain length of time, they +present themselves for an examination by the professors of the university, +which confers upon them the title of "M.D.," without the right to +practise. They are then obliged to prepare for what is called the State's +examination, before a Board of the most distinguished men in the +profession appointed to this place by the government: these also +constitute the medical court. Of this number, Dr. Schmidt was one. + +Dr. Schmidt approved my resolution, and expressed himself warmly in favor +of it. He also recommended to me a course of reading, to be commenced at +once, as a kind of preliminary education; and, although he had no +influence with the committee of the city government who examined and +elected the pupils, he promised to call upon some of them, and urge my +election. But, despite his recommendation and my father's position as +civil officer, I received a refusal, on the grounds that I was much too +young (being only eighteen), and that I was unmarried. The latter fault I +did not try to remove; the former I corrected daily; and, when I was +nineteen, I repeated my application, and received the same reply. During +this time, Dr. Schmidt became more and more interested in me personally. +He promised that he would do all in his power to have me chosen the next +year; while, during this time, he urged me to read and study as much as +possible, in order to become fully acquainted with the subject. As usual, +I continued to assist my mother in visiting her patients, and thus had a +fine opportunity for explaining to myself many things which the mere study +of books left in darkness. In fact, these years of preliminary practical +study were more valuable to me than all the lectures that I ever listened +to afterwards. Full of zeal and enthusiasm, and stimulated by a friend +whose position and personal acquirements inspired me with reverence and +devotion, I thought of nothing else than how to prepare myself in such a +way that I should not disappoint him nor those to whom he had commended +me. Dr. Schmidt was consumptive, and almost an invalid; often having to +lecture in a reclining position. The author of many valuable medical +works, and director of the largest hospital in Prussia (the Charite of +Berlin), he found a most valuable assistant in his wife,--one of the +noblest women that ever lived. She was always with him, except in the +lecture-room; and almost all of his works are said to have been written by +her from his dictation. This had inspired him with the highest possible +respect for women. He had the utmost faith in their powers when rightly +developed, and always declared their intellectual capacity to be the same +with that of men. This belief inspired him with the desire to give me an +education superior to that of the common midwives; and, at the same time, +to reform the school of midwives by giving to it a professor of its own +sex. To this position he had in his own mind already elected me; but, +before I could take it, I had to procure a legitimate election from the +city to the school as pupil; while, during my attendance he had to +convince the government of the necessity of such a reform, as well as to +bring over the medical profession: which was not so easily done; for many +men were waiting already for Dr. Schmidt's death in order to obtain this +very post, which was considered valuable. + +When I was twenty, I received my third refusal. Dr. Schmidt, whose health +was failing rapidly, had exerted himself greatly to secure my admission; +and the medical part of the committee had promised him that they would +give me their vote: but some theological influence was set to work to +elect one of the deaconesses in my stead, that she might be educated for +the post of superintendent of the lying-in ward of the hospital, which was +under Dr. Schmidt's care. She also was rejected, in order not to offend +Dr. Schmidt; but for this he would not thank them. No sooner had I carried +him the letter of refusal than he ordered his carriage, and, proceeding to +the royal palace, obtained an audience of the king; to whom he related the +refusal of the committee to elect me, on the ground that I was too young +and unmarried, and entreated of him a cabinet order which should compel +the city to admit me to the school; adding, that he saw no reason why +Germany, as well as France, should not have and be proud of a La Chapelle. +The king, who held Dr. Schmidt in high esteem, gave him at once the +desired order; and I became legally the student of my friend: though his +praise procured me intense vexation; for my name was dropped entirely, and +I was only spoken of as La Chapelle the Second; which would by no means +have been unpleasant had I earned the title; but to receive it sneeringly +in advance, before having been allowed to make my appearance publicly, was +indeed unbearable. + +On the third day after his visit to the king, Dr. Schmidt received me into +the class, and introduced me to it as his future assistant teacher. This +announcement was as surprising to me as to the class; but I took it +quietly, thinking that, if Dr. Schmidt did not consider me fit for the +place, he would not risk being attacked for it by the profession _en +masse_, by whom he was watched closely. + +On the same day, a little incident occurred which I must mention. In the +evening, instead of going alone to the class for practical instruction, I +accompanied Dr. Schmidt at his request. We entered the hall where his +assistant, the chief physician, had already commenced his instructions. +Dr. Schmidt introduced me to him as his private pupil, to whom he wished +him to give particular attention; ending by giving my name. The physician +hurriedly came up to me, and grasped my hand, exclaiming, "Why, this is my +little blind doctor!" I looked at him, and recognized the very Dr. Mueller +with whom I used to make the rounds of the hospital when twelve years old, +and who had since risen to the position of chief physician. This +rencontre, and the interest that he manifested afterwards greatly +relieved Dr. Schmidt, who had feared that he would oppose me, instead of +giving me any special aid. During this winter's study, I spent the most of +the time in the hospital, being almost constantly at the side of Dr. +Schmidt. I certainly made the most of every opportunity; and I scarcely +believe it possible for any student to learn more in so short a time than +I did during this winter. I was continually busy; acting even as nurse, +whenever I could learn any thing by it. During the following summer, I was +obliged to reside wholly in the hospital; this being a part of the +prescribed education. Here I became acquainted with all the different +wards, and had a fine opportunity to watch the cases by myself. In the +mean time, Dr. Schmidt's illness increased so rapidly, that he feared to +die before his plans in respect to me had been carried out; especially as +the state of his health had compelled him to give up his position as Chief +Director of the Hospital Charite. His design was to make me chief +accoucheuse in the hospital, and to surrender into my hands his position +as professor in the School for Midwives, so that I might have the entire +charge of the midwives education. The opposition to this plan was +twofold: firstly, the theological influence that sought to place the +deaconess (Sister Catherine) in the position of house-midwife; and, +secondly, the younger part of the profession, many of whom were anxious +for the post of professor in the School for Midwives, which never would +have been suffered to fall into the hands of Sister Catherine. Dr. +Schmidt, however, was determined to yield to neither. Personal pride +demanded that he should succeed in his plan; and several of the older and +more influential members of the profession took his part, among whom were +Johannes Mueller, Busch, Mueller, Kilian, &c. During the second winter, his +lecturing in the class was only nominal; often nothing more than naming +the heads of the subjects, while I had to give the real instruction. His +idea was to make me feel the full responsibility of such a position, and, +at the same time, to give me a chance to do the work that he had declared +me pre-eminently capable of doing. This was an intrigue; but he could not +have it otherwise. He did not intend that I should perform his duty for +his benefit, but for my own. He wished to show to the government the fact +that I had done the work of a man like himself, and done it well; and +that, if he had not told them of his withdrawal, no one would have +recognized his absence from the result. + +At the close of this term, I was obliged to pass my examination at the +same time with the fifty-six students who composed the class. Dr. Schmidt +invited some of the most prominent medical men to be present, besides +those appointed as the examining committee. He informed me of this on the +day before the examination, saying, "I want to convince them that you can +do better than half of the young men at _their_ examination." + +The excitement of this day I can hardly describe. I had not only to appear +before a body of strangers, of whose manner of questioning I had no idea, +but also before half a dozen authorities in the profession, assembled +especially for criticism. Picture to yourself my position: standing before +the table at which were seated the three physicians composing the +examining committee, questioning me all the while in the most perplexing +manner, with four more of the highest standing on each side,--making +eleven in all; Dr. Schmidt a little way off, anxious that I should prove +true all that he had said in praise of me; and the rest of the class in +the background, filling up the large hall. It was terrible. The trifling +honor of being considered capable was rather dearly purchased. I went +through the whole hour bravely, without missing a single question; until +finally the clock struck twelve, when every thing suddenly grew black +before my eyes, and the last question sounded like a humming noise in my +ear. I answered it--how I know not,--and was permitted to sit down and +rest for fifteen minutes before I was called to the practical examination +on the manikin. I gave satisfaction to all, and received the diploma of +the first degree. This by no means ended the excitement. The students of +the year were next examined. This examination continued for a week; after +which the diplomas were announced, when it was found that never before had +there been so many of the first degree, and so few of the third. Dr. +Schmidt then made it known that this was the result of my exertions, and I +was pronounced _a very capable woman_. + +This acknowledgment having been made by the medical men present at the +examination, Dr. Schmidt thought it would be an easy matter to get me +installed into the position for which I had proved myself capable. But +such could not be the case in a government ruled by hypocrisy and +intrigue. To acknowledge the capability of a woman did not by any means +say that she was at liberty to hold a position in which she could exercise +this capability. German men are educated to be slaves to the government: +positive freedom is comprehended only by a few. They generally struggle +for a kind of negative freedom; namely, for themselves: for each man, +however much he may be inclined to show his subserviency to those superior +in rank, thinks himself the lord of creation; and, of course, regards +woman only as his appendage. How can this lord of creation, being a slave +himself, look upon the _free development_ and _demand of recognition_ of +his appendage otherwise than as a nonsense, or usurpation of his exclusive +rights? And among these lords of creation I heartily dislike that class +which not only yield to the influence brought upon them by government, but +who also possess an infinite amount of narrowness and vanity, united to as +infinite servility to money and position. There is not ink and paper +enough in all the world to write down the contempt I feel for men in whose +power it is to be free in thought and noble in action, and who act to the +contrary to feed their ambition or their purses. I have learned, perhaps, +too much of their spirit for my own good. + +You can hardly believe what I experienced, in respect to intrigue, within +the few months following my examination. All the members of the medical +profession were unwilling that a woman should take her place on a level +with them. All the diplomatists became fearful that Dr. Schmidt intended +to advocate the question of "woman's rights;" one of them exclaiming one +evening, in the heat of discussion, "For Heaven's sake! the Berlin women +are already wiser than all the men of Prussia: what will become of us if +we allow them to manifest it?" I was almost forgotten in the five months +during which the question was debated: it became more than a matter of +personal intrigue. The real question at stake was, "How shall women be +educated, and what is their true sphere?" and this was discussed with more +energy and spirit than ever has been done here in America. + +Scores of letters were written by Dr. Schmidt to convince the government +that a woman could really be competent to hold the position in question, +and that I had been pronounced so by the whole Faculty. The next objection +raised was that my father was known as holding revolutionary principles; +and to conquer this, cost a long discussion, with many interviews of the +officials with my father and Dr. Schmidt. The next thing urged was that I +was much _too young_; that it would be necessary, in the course of my +duties, to instruct the young men also; and that there was danger in our +thus being thrown together. In fact, this reason, read to me by Dr. +Schmidt from one of the letters written at this time (all of which are +still carefully preserved), runs thus: "To give this position to Miss M. +E. Zakrzewska is dangerous. She is a prepossessing young lady; and, from +coming in contact with so many gentlemen, must necessarily fall in love +with some one of them, and thus end her career." To this I have only to +reply, that I am sorry that I could not have found _one_ among them that +could have made me follow the suggestion. This objection however, seemed +for a while the most difficult to be met: for it was well known, that, +when a student myself, I had stood on the most friendly terms with my +fellow-students, and that they had often taken my part in little +disturbances that naturally came up in an establishment where no one was +permitted to enter or to leave without giving a reason, and where even my +private patients were sent away at the door because I did not know of +their coming, and could not announce to the doorkeeper the name and +residence of those who might possibly call. + +That this difficulty was finally conquered, I have to thank the students +themselves. My relation with these young men was of the pleasantest kind. +They never seemed to think that I was not of their sex, but always treated +me like one of themselves. I knew of their studies and their amusements; +yes, even, of the mischievous pranks that they were planning both for +college and for social life. They often made me their confidante in their +private affairs, and were more anxious for my approval or forgiveness than +for that of their relatives. I learned, during this time, how great is the +friendly influence of a woman even upon fast-living and licentious young +men; and this has done more to convince me of the necessity that the two +sexes should live together from infancy, than all the theories and +arguments that are brought to convince the mass of this fact. As soon as +it became known among the students that my youth was the new objection, +they treated it in such a manner that the whole thing was transformed into +a ridiculous bugbear, growing out of the imagination of the _virtuous_ +opposers. + +Nothing now seemed left in the way of my attaining to the position; when +suddenly it dawned upon the mind of some that I was irreligious; that +neither my father nor my mother attended church; and that, under such +circumstances, I could not, of course, be a church-goer. Fortunately, I +had complied with the requirements of the law, and could therefore bring +my certificate of confirmation from one of the Protestant churches. By the +advice of Dr. Schmidt, I commenced to attend church regularly, and +continued until a little incident happened which I must relate here. One +Sunday, just after the sermon was over, I remembered that I had forgotten +to give instructions to the nurse in respect to a patient, and left the +church without waiting for the end of the service. The next morning, I was +summoned to answer to the charge of leaving the church at an improper +time. The inquisitor (who was one of those who had accused me of +irreligion), being vexed that I contradicted him by going to church +regularly, was anxious to make me confess that I did not care for the +service: but I saw through his policy as well as his hypocrisy, and simply +told him the truth; namely, that I had forgotten important business, and +therefore thought it excusable to leave as soon as the sermon was over. +Whether he sought to lure me on to further avowals, I know not: but, +whatever was his motive, he asked me, in reply, whether I believed that +he cared for the humdrum custom of church-going and whether I thought him +imbecile enough to consider this as any thing more than the means by which +to keep the masses in check; adding, that it was the duty of the +intelligent to make the affair respectable by setting the example of going +themselves; and that he only wished me to act on this principle, when all +accusations of irreligion would fall to the ground. I had always known +that this man was not my friend: but, when I heard this, I felt +disenchanted with the whole world; for I had never thought him more than a +hypocrite, whereas I found him the meanest of Jesuits, both in theory and +practice. I was thoroughly indignant; the more so, since I felt guilty +myself in going to church simply to please Dr. Schmidt. I do not remember +what answer I gave; but I know that my manners and words made it evident +that I considered him a villain. He never forgave me this, as all his +future acts proved to me: for, in his position of chief director of the +hospital, he had it in his power, more than any one else, to annoy me; and +that he did so, you will presently see. + +The constant opposition and attendant excitement together with the +annoyances which my father, as civil officer, had to endure, made him +resolve to present a declaration to the government, that I should never, +with his consent, enter the position. He had become so tired of my efforts +to become a public character in my profession, that he suddenly conceived +the wish to have me married Now, take for a moment into consideration the +facts that I was but twenty-two years of age, full of sanguine enthusiasm +for my vocation, and strong in the friendship of Dr. Schmidt. He had +inspired me with the idea of a career different from the common routine of +domestic life. My mother, overcoming her repugnance to my entering my +profession, had been my best friend, encouraging me steadily; while my +father, yielding to the troubles that it involved, had become disgusted +with it, and wished me to abandon my career. He was stern, and would not +take back his word. I could do nothing without his consent; while Dr. +Schmidt had finally overcome all difficulties, and had the prospect of +victory if my father would but yield. A few weeks of this life were +sufficient to drive one mad, and I am sure that I was near becoming so. I +was resolved to run away from home or to kill myself while my father was +equally resolved to marry me to a man of whom I did not know the sight. +Matters finally came to a crisis through the illness of Dr. Schmidt, +whose health failed so rapidly, that it was thought dangerous to let him +be longer excited by the fear of not realizing his favorite scheme. Some +of his medical advisers influenced the government to appeal to my father +to withdraw his declaration; which, satisfied with the honor thus done +him, he did on the 1st of May, 1852. On the 15th of May, I received my +legal instalment to the position for which Dr. Schmidt had designed me. +The joy that I felt was great beyond expression. A youthful enthusiast of +twenty-two, I stood at the height of my wishes and expectations. I had +obtained what others only could obtain after the protracted labor of half +a lifetime; and already I saw myself in imagination occupying the place of +Dr. Schmidt's aspirations,--that of a German La Chapelle. No one, that has +not passed at the same age through the same excitement, can ever +comprehend the fulness of my rejoicing, which was not wholly selfish; for +I knew that nothing in the world would please Dr. Schmidt so much as this +victory. The wildest joy of an accepted suitor is a farce compared to my +feelings on the morning of that 15th of May. I was reconciled to my +bitterest opponents: I could even have thanked them for their opposition, +since it had made the success so much the sweeter. Not the slightest +feeling of triumph was in my heart; all was happiness and rejoicing: and +it was in this condition of mind and heart that I put on my bonnet and +shawl to carry the good news to Dr. Schmidt. Without waiting to be +announced, I hastened to his parlor, where I found him sitting with his +wife upon the sofa. I did not walk, but flew, towards them, and threw the +letter upon the table, exclaiming "There is the victory!" Like a +conflagration my joy spread to Dr. Schmidt as well as to his wife, who +thought that she saw in these tidings a cup of new life for her husband. I +only staid long enough to accept their congratulations. Dr. Schmidt told +me to be sure to come the next morning to enter legally upon my duties at +his side. Meanwhile, he gave me a vacation for the afternoon to see my +friends and carry them the news. He saw that I needed the open air, and +felt that he, too, must have it to counteract his joy. I went to tell my +father and several friends, and spent the day in blissful ignorance of the +dreadful event that was transpiring. + +The next morning, at seven o'clock, I left home to go to my residence in +the hospital. I had not slept during the night: the youthful fire of +enthusiasm burnt too violently to allow me any rest. The old doorkeeper +opened the door for me, and gazed at me with an air of surprise. "What is +the matter?" I asked. "I am astonished to see you so cheerful," said he. +"Why?" I asked with astonishment. "Don't you know that Dr. Schmidt is +dead?" was the answer. Dr. Schmidt dead! I trembled; I staggered; I fell +upon a chair. The beautiful entrance-hall, serving also as a greenhouse +during the winter, filled in every place with flowers and tropical fruit, +faded from my eyes; and in its stead I saw nothing but laughing faces, +distorted with scorn and mockery. A flood of tears cooled the heat of my +brain, and a calmness like that of death soon took possession of me. I had +fallen from the topmost height of joy and happiness to the profoundest +depth of disappointment and despair. If there were nothing else to prove +the strength of my mind, the endurance of this sudden change would be +sufficient. + +I went at once to Dr. Schmidt's residence in the Hospital Park, where I +met him again, not as I had expected an hour before, ready to go with me +to the hospital-department which I was henceforth to superintend, but a +corpse. After I had left the day before, he had expressed a wish to go +into the open air, he being not much less excited than myself. Mrs. +Schmidt ordered the carriage, and they drove to the large park. He talked +constantly and excitedly about the satisfaction that he felt in this +success, until they arrived; when he wished to get out of the carriage, +and walk with his wife. Mrs. Schmidt consented; but they had scarcely +taken a few steps when he sank to the ground, and a gush of blood from his +mouth terminated his existence. + +I left Dr. Schmidt's house, and entered alone into the wards, where I felt +that I was without friendly encouragement and support. During the three +days that intervened before the burial of Dr. Schmidt, I was hardly +conscious of any thing, but moved about mechanically like an automaton. +The next few days were days of confusion; for the death of Dr. Schmidt had +left so many places vacant that some fifty persons were struggling to +obtain some one of his offices. The eagerness, servility, and meanness +which these educated men displayed in striving to conquer their rivals was +more than disgusting. The serpents that lie in wait for their prey are +endurable; for we know that it is their nature to be cunning and +relentless: but to see men of intellect and education sly and snaky, +ferocious, yet servile to the utmost, makes one almost believe in total +depravity. The most of these men got what they deserved; namely, nothing: +the places were filled temporarily with others, and every thing went on +apparently as before. My position soon became very disagreeable. I had +received my instalment, not because I was wanted by the directors of the +hospital, but because they had been commanded by the government to accept +me in the hope of thus prolonging the life of Dr. Schmidt. Young and +inexperienced in petty intrigue, I had now to work without friendly +encouragement and appreciation, with no one about me in whom I had a +special interest; while every one was regretting that the instalment had +been given me before Dr. Schmidt's death, which might have happened just +as well from some other excitement, in an establishment where three +thousand people were constantly at war about each other's affairs. I +surveyed the whole arena, and saw very well, that, unless I practised +meanness and dishonesty as well as the rest, I could not remain there for +any length of time; for scores were ready to calumniate me whenever there +was the least thing to be gained by it. + +I was about to commence a new period of life. I had a solid structure as +a foundation; but the superstructure had been built up in so short a time, +that a change of wind would suffice to cast it down. I resolved, +therefore, to tear it down myself, and to begin to build another upon the +carefully laid basis; and only waited for an opportunity to manifest my +intention. This opportunity soon presented itself. Sister Catherine, the +deaconess of whom I have spoken, who had been allowed to attend the School +of Midwives after my election, through the influence of her theological +friends upon Dr. Schmidt (the city magistrates having refused her because +I was already the third accepted pupil), had as yet no position: and these +friends now sought to make her the second _accoucheuse_; I having the +first position, with the additional title of Chief. This she would not +accept. She, the experienced deaconess, who had been a Florence +Nightingale in the typhus epidemic of Silesia, was unwilling to be under +the supervision of a woman who had nothing to show but a thorough +education, and who was, besides, eight years younger than herself. Her +refusal made my enemies still more hostile. Why they were so anxious for +her services, I can only explain by supposing that the directors of the +hospital wished to annoy Pastor Fliedner, the originator of the +Kaiserswerth Sisterhood; for, in placing Sister Catherine in this +position, they robbed him of one of the very best nurses that he ever had +in his institution. + +My desire to reconcile the government of the hospital, in order that I +might have peace in my position to pursue my development and education so +as to realize and manifest to the people the truth of what Dr. Schmidt had +affirmed of me, induced me to go to one of the directors, and propose that +Sister Catherine should be installed on equal terms with me; offering to +drop the title of Chief, and to consent that the department should be +divided into two. My proposition was accepted nominally, and Sister +Catherine was installed, but with a third less salary than I received; +while I had to give the daily reports, &c., and to take the chief +responsibility of the whole. Catherine was quite friendly to me; and I was +happy in the thought that there was now one at least who would stand by +me, should any difficulties occur. How much I was mistaken in the human +heart! This pious, sedate woman, towards whom my heart yearned with +friendship, was my greatest enemy; though I did not know it until after my +arrival in America. + +A few weeks afterwards, the city petitioned to have a number of women +instructed in the practice of midwifery. These women were all experienced +nurses, who had taken the liberty to practise this art to a greater or +less extent from what they had learned of it while nursing; and, to put an +end to this unlawful practice, they had been summoned before an examining +committee, and the youngest and best educated chosen to be instructed as +the law required. Dr. Mueller, the pathologist, was appointed to +superintend the theoretical, and Dr. Ebert the practical, instruction. Dr. +Mueller, who never had given this kind of instruction before, and who was a +special friend of mine, immediately surrendered the whole into my hands; +while Dr. Ebert, whose time was almost wholly absorbed in the department +of the diseases of children, appointed me as his assistant. Both gentlemen +gave me certificates of this when I determined to emigrate to America. + +The marked preference for my wards that had always been shown by the male +students was shared by these women when they came. Sister Catherine was +neither ambitious nor envious; yet she felt that she was the second in +place. Drs. Mueller and Ebert never addressed themselves to her; neither +did they impress the nurses and the servants with the idea that she was +any thing more than the head-nurse. All these things together made her a +spy; and, though nothing happened for which I could be reproved, all that +I said and did was watched and secretly reported. Under a despotic +government, the spy is as necessary as the corporal. The annoyance of this +reporting is, that the secrecy exists only for the one whom it concerns; +while the subaltern officers and servants receive hints that such a person +is kept under constant surveillance. When it was found that no occasion +offered to find fault with me, our administrative inspector was removed, +and a surly old corporal put in his place, with the hint that the +government of the hospital thought that the former inspector did not +perform his duty rightly, since he never reported disturbance in a ward +that had been notorious as being the most disorderly in former times. The +truth was, that, in my innocence of heart, I had been striving to gain the +respect and friendship of my enemies by doing my work better than any +before me had done. To go to bed at night regularly was a thing unknown to +me. Once I was not undressed for twenty-one days and nights; +superintending and giving instructions on six or eight confinement cases +in every twenty-four hours; lecturing three hours every afternoon to the +class of midwives; giving clinical lectures to them twice a week, for an +hour in the morning; superintending the care of some twenty infants, who +were epidemically attacked with purulent ophthalmia; and having, besides, +the general supervision of the whole department. But all this could not +overcome the hostility of my enemies, the chief cause of which lay in the +mortification at having been vanquished by my appointment. On the other +hand, I was happy in the thought that Mrs. Schmidt continued to take the +same interest in me as before, and was glad to hear of my partial success. +The students, both male and female, were devoted to me, and manifested +their gratitude openly and frankly. This was the greatest compensation +that I received for my work. The women wished to show their appreciation +by paying me for the extra labor that I performed in their instruction; +not knowing the fact, that I did it simply in order that they might pass +an examination which should again convince the committee that I was in the +right place. I forbade them all payment, as I had refused it to the male +students when they wished to pay me for their extra instruction on the +manikin: but in a true, womanly way, they managed to learn the date of +my birthday; when two or three, instead of attending the lecture, took +possession of my room, which they decorated with flowers; while en the +table they displayed presents to the amount of some hundred and twenty +dollars, which the fifty-six women of the class had collected among +themselves. This was, of course, a great surprise to me, and really made +me feel sad; for I did not wish for things of this sort. I wished to prove +that unselfishness was the real motive of my work; and thought that I +should finally earn the crown of appreciation from my enemies, for which I +was striving. This gift crossed all my plans. I must accept it, if I would +not wound the kindest of hearts; yet I felt that I lost my game by so +doing. I quietly packed every thing into a basket, and put it out of sight +under the bed, in order that I might not be reminded of my loss. Of +course, all these things were at once reported. I saw in the faces of many +that something was in agitation, and waited a fortnight in constant +expectation of its coming. But these people wished to crush me entirely. +They knew well that a blow comes hardest when least expected, and +therefore kept quiet week after week, until I really began to ask their +pardon in my heart for having done them the wrong to expect them to act +meanly about a thing that was natural and allowable. In a word, I became +quiet and happy again in the performance of my duties; until suddenly six +weeks after my birthday, I was summoned to the presence of Director Horn +(the same who had reprimanded me for leaving the church), who received me +with a face as hard and stern as an avenging judge, and asked me whether I +knew that it was against the law to receive any other payment than that +given me by the hospital. Upon my avowing that I did, he went on to ask +how it was, then, that I had accepted gifts on my birthday. This question +fell upon me like a thunderbolt; for I never had thought of looking upon +these as a payment. Had these women paid me for the instruction that I +gave them beyond that which was prescribed, they ought each one to have +given me the value of the presents. I told him this in reply, and also how +disagreeable the acceptance had been to me, and how ready I was to return +the whole at his command; since it had been my desire to prove, not only +my capability, but my unselfishness in the work. The man was ashamed; I +saw it in his face as he turned it away from me: yet he saw in me a proof +that he had been vanquished in intrigue, and was resolved that the +occasion should end in my overthrow. Much more was said about the +presents and their significance; and I soon ceased to be the humble woman, +and spoke boldly what I thought, in defiance of his authority, as I had +done at the time of the religious conversation (by the way, I never +attended church again after that interview.) The end was, that I declared +my readiness to leave the hospital. He wished to inflict direct punishment +on me; and forbade me to be present at the examination of the class, which +was to take place the next day. This was really a hard penalty, to which +he was forced for his own sake; for, if I had been present, I should have +told the whole affair to men of a nobler stamp, who would have opposed, as +they afterwards did, my leaving a place which I filled to their entire +satisfaction. + +I made my preparations to leave the hospital on the 15th of November. What +was I to do? I was not made to practise quietly, as is commonly done: my +education and aspirations demanded more than this. For the time, I could +do nothing more than inform my patients that I intended to practise +independently. My father again wished that I should marry; and I began to +ask myself, whether marriage is an institution to relieve parents from +embarrassment. When troubled about the future of a son, parents are ready +to give him to the army; when in fears of the destiny of a daughter, they +induce her to become the slave of the marriage bond. I never doubted that +it was more unendurable and unworthy to be a wife without love, than a +soldier without a special calling for that profession; and I never could +think of marriage as the means to procure a shelter and bread. + +I had so many schemes in my head, that I would not listen to his words. +Among these was especially the wish to emigrate to America. The +Pennsylvania Female Medical College had sent its first Report to Dr. +Schmidt, who had informed me of it as well as his colleagues, and had +advocated the justice of such a reform. This fact occurred to my memory; +and, for the next two months, I did nothing but speculate how to carry out +my design of emigration. I had lived rather expensively and lavishly, +without thinking of laying up any money; and my whole fortune, when I left +the Charite, consisted of sixty dollars. + +One thing happened in connection with my leaving the hospital, which I +must relate here. Director Horn was required to justify his conduct to +the minister to whom the change had to be reported; and a committee was +appointed to hear the accusation and pass judgment upon the affair. As +this was done in secrecy and not before a jury, and as the accuser was a +man of high rank, I knew nothing of it until Christmas Eve, when I +received a document stating that, _as a gratification for my services for +the benefit of the city of Berlin_ in instructing the class of midwives, a +compensation was decreed me of fifty dollars. This was a large sum for +Berlin, such as was only given on rare occasions. I was also informed that +Director Horn was instructed to give me, should I ever demand it, a +first-class certificate of what my position had been in the hospital with +the title of Chief attached. Whatever I had suffered from the injustice of +my enemies, I was now fully recompensed. I inquired who had taken my part +so earnestly against Director Horn as to gain this action, and found that +it was Dr. Mueller the pathologist, backed by several other physicians. +Director Horn, it was said, was greatly humiliated by the decision of +Minister von Raumer, who could not see the least justice in his conduct in +this matter; and, had I not left the hospital so readily, I should never +have stood so firmly as after this secret trial. + +It was done, however; and I confidently told my mother of my design to +emigrate. Between my mother and myself there existed, not merely the +strongest relation of maternal and filial love, but also a professional +sympathy and peculiar friendship, which was the result of two similar +minds and hearts, and which made me stand even nearer to her than as a +child I could possibly have done. She consented with heart and soul, +encouraged me in all my plans and expectations, and asked me at once at +what time I would leave. I next told my father and the rest of the family +of my plan. My third sister (Anna), a beautiful, joyous young girl, +exclaimed, "And I will go with you!" My father, who would not listen to my +going alone, at once consented to our going together. But I thought +differently In going alone, I risked only my own happiness: in going with +her, I risked hers too; while I should be constantly restricted in my +adventurous undertaking from having her with me, who knew nothing of the +world save the happiness of a tranquil family life. The next day, I told +them that I had changed my mind, and should not go away, but should +establish myself in Berlin. Of course, I received a torrent of gibes on my +fickleness; for they did not understand my feelings in respect to the +responsibility that I feared to take for my younger sister. + +I began to establish myself in practice. Mrs. Schmidt, who was anxious to +assist me in my new career, suggested to those physicians who were my +friends the establishment of a private hospital, which should be under my +care. She found them strongly in favor of the plan; and, had I not been +constantly speculating about leaving for America, this scheme would have +been realized. But I had resolved to emigrate, and took my measures +accordingly. I went secretly to Drs. Mueller and Ebert, and procured +certificates from them attesting my position in respect to them in the +hospital. I then obtained the certificate from Director Horn, and carried +them all to the American Charge d'Affaires (Theodore S. Fay) to have them +legalized in English, so that they could be of service to me in +America.[2] + +When I told Drs. Ebert and Mueller and Mrs. Schmidt of my intention to +emigrate, they pronounced me insane. They thought that I had the best +field of activity open in Berlin, and could not comprehend why I should +seek greater freedom of person and of action. Little really is known in +Berlin about America, and to go there is considered as great an +undertaking as to seek the river Styx in order to go to Hades. The remark +that I heard from almost every quarter was, "What! you wish to go to the +land of barbarism, where they have negro slavery, and where they do not +know how to appreciate talent and genius?" But this could not prevent me +from realizing my plans. I had idealized the freedom of America, and +especially the reform of the position of women, to such an extent, that I +would not listen to their arguments. After having been several years in +America, very probably I would think twice before undertaking again to +emigrate; for even the idealized freedom has lost a great deal of its +charm, when I consider how much better it could be. + +Having put every thing in order, I told my father of my conclusion to +leave. He was surprised to hear of it the second time: but I showed him my +papers in readiness for the journey, and declared that I should go as soon +as the ship was ready to sail; having a hundred dollars,--just money +enough to pay my passage. He would not give his consent, unless my sister +Anna accompanied me; thinking her, I suppose, a counterpoise to any rash +undertakings in which I might engage in a foreign land. If I wished to go, +I was, therefore, forced to have her company; of which I should have been +very glad, had I not feared the moral care and responsibility. We decided +to go in a fortnight. My father paid her passage, and gave her a hundred +dollars in cash,--just enough to enable us to spend a short time in New +York: after which he expected either to send us more money, or that we +would return; and, in case we did this, an agreement was made with the +shipping-merchant that payment should be made on our arrival in Hamburg. + +On the 13th of March, 1853, we left the paternal roof, to which we should +never return. My mother bade us adieu with tears in her eyes; saying, "_Au +revoir_ in America!" She was determined to follow us. + +Dear Mary, here ends my Berlin and European life; and I can assure you +that this was the hardest moment I ever knew. Upon my memory is for ever +imprinted the street, the house, the window behind which my mother stood +waving her handkerchief. Not a tear did I suffer to mount to my eyes, in +order to make her believe that the departure was an easy one; but a heart +beating convulsively within punished me for the restraint. + +My father and brothers accompanied us to the _depot_, where the cars +received us for Hamburg. On our arrival there, we found that the ice had +not left the Elbe, and that the ships could not sail until the river was +entirely free. We were forced to remain three weeks in Hamburg. We had +taken staterooms in the clipper ship "Deutschland." Besides ourselves, +there were sixteen passengers in the first cabin; people good enough in +their way, but not sufficiently attractive to induce us to make their +acquaintance. We observed a dead silence as to who we were, where we were +going, or what was the motive of our emigrating to America. The only +person that we ever spoke to was a Mr. R. from Hamburg, a youth of +nineteen, who, like ourselves, had left a happy home in order to try his +strength in a strange land. The voyage was of forty-seven days' duration; +excessively stormy, but otherwise very dull, like all voyages of this +kind; and, had it not been for the expectations that filled our hearts, we +should have died of _ennui_. As it was, the days passed slowly, made worse +by the inevitable sea-sickness of our fellow-passengers; and we longed for +the hour that should bring us in sight of the shores of the New World. And +now commences _my life in America_. + +"Dear Marie, best Marie! make haste to come upon deck to see America! Oh, +how pleasant it is to see the green trees again! How brightly the sun is +gilding the land you are seeking,--the land of freedom!" With such +childlike exclamations of delight, my sister Anna burst into my cabin to +hasten my appearance on deck on the morning of the 22d of May, 1853. The +beautiful child of nineteen summers was only conscious of a heart +overflowing with pleasure at the sight of the charming landscape that +opened before her eyes after a tedious voyage of forty-seven days upon the +ocean. We had reached the quarantine at Staten Island. The captain, the +old pilot, every one, gazed at her as she danced joyously about the deck, +with a mingled feeling of sadness and curiosity; for our reserve while on +shipboard had surrounded us with a sort of mystery which none knew how to +unravel. + +As soon as I had dressed for going on shore, and had packed up the things +that we had used on our voyage, in order that they might not be stolen +during this time of excitement, I obeyed the last call of my impatient +sister to come at least to see the last rays of sunrise; and went on deck, +where I was at once riveted by the beautiful scene that was spread before +my eyes. The green, sloping lawns, with which the white cottages formed +such a cheerful contrast; the trees, clad in their first foliage, and +suggesting hope by their smiling blossoms; the placid cows, feeding +quietly in the fields; the domestic chickens, just visible in the +distance; and the friendly barking of a dog,--all seemed to greet me with +a first welcome to the shores of this strange country: while the sun, +shining brightly from a slightly clouded sky, mellowed the whole +landscape, and so deeply impressed my soul, that tears sprang to my eyes, +and a feeling rose in my heart that I can call nothing else than +devotional; for it bowed my knees beneath me, and forced sounds from my +lips that I could not translate into words, for they were mysterious to +myself. A stranger in a strange, wide land, not knowing its habits and +customs, not understanding its people, not yet understanding its workings +and aims, my mind was not clouded with loneliness. I was happy. Had it not +been my own wish that had made me leave the home of a kind father, and of +a mother beloved beyond all earthly beings? I had succeeded in safely +reaching the shores of America. Life was again open before me. With these +thoughts, I turned from the beautiful landscape; and finding the captain, +a noble-hearted sailor, inquired of him how long it would take us to reach +the port of New York. "That is New York," said he, pointing to a dark mass +of buildings, with here and there a spire towering in the air. "We shall +reach there about eight o'clock; but it is Sunday, and you will have to +stay on board till to-morrow." With this he turned away, calling his men +to weigh anchor; as the physician, whose duty it was to inspect the cargo +of men, like cattle, had just left in his boat. On we went, my sister +still dancing and singing for joy; and Mr. R. and myself sitting somewhat +apart,--he looking dedespondently into the water, I with my head firmly +raised in the air, happy in heart, but thoughtful in mind, and trusting in +my inward strength for the future. + +I took my breakfast on deck. No one seemed to have any appetite; and I +felt somewhat reproved when I heard some one near me say, "She seems to +have neither head nor heart: see how tranquilly she can eat at such a time +as this!" These words were spoken by one of the cabin-passengers,--a young +man, who was exceedingly curious to know why I was going to America, and +had several times tried to make the rest of the passengers believe that it +must be in consequence of an unhappy love. The poor simpleton! he thought +that women could only enter into life through the tragedy of a broken +heart. + +A bell sounded. We were opposite Trinity Church, which had just struck +eight. On my right lay an enormous collection of bricks (houses I could +not call them; for, seen from the ship, they resembled only a pile of +ruins); on my left, the romantic shore of New Jersey. But the admiration +with which I had gazed upon Staten Island was gone as I stood before this +beautiful scene; the appreciation of Nature was mastered by another +feeling,--a feeling of activity that had become my ideal. I had come here +for a purpose,--to carry out the plan which a despotic government and its +servile agents had prevented me from doing in my native city. I had to +show to those men who had opposed me so strongly because I was a woman, +that in this land of liberty, equality, and fraternity, I could maintain +that position which they would not permit to me at home. My talents were +in an unusual direction. I was a physician; and, as such, had for years +moved in the most select circles of Berlin. Even my enemies had been +forced to give me the highest testimonials: and these were the only +treasure that I brought to this country; for I had given my last dollar to +the sailor who brought me the first news that land was in sight. + +I looked again upon New York, but with a feeling that a great mystery was +lying before my eyes,--a feeling that was confirmed by the men, who came +off to the ship in small boats, speaking a language that seemed like a +chaos of sounds. As I turned, I saw my sister coming slowly up from the +cabin with a changed air; and I asked her with surprise what was the +matter. "O Marie!" said she, "most of the passengers are called for. Mr. +R.'s brother has just come to take him on shore. He was so glad to see +him (for he thought he was in New Orleans), that I think he will forget to +say good-by. I am afraid that we shall have to stay here all alone, +and"--"Are the Misses Zakrzewska on board?" called a voice from a little +boat by the side of the ship. We looked down in surprise, but did not +recognize the man, who spoke as if he were an acquaintance. The captain +answered "Yes." Upon which the same voice said, "Mr. G. requests them to +wait: he will be here in a moment." + +This announcement surprised us the more that it came from a totally +unexpected quarter. An acquaintance of ours, who had emigrated to New York +a few years before, and had shortly after married a Mr. G., had heard from +her brother in Berlin of our departure for America in the ship +"Deutschland;" and these good people, thinking that they could be of use +to us in a new country, had been watching for its arrival. No one on board +dared ask a question as to who our friends were, so reserved had we been +in regard to our plans: only the young man who had accused me of having +neither head nor heart said, half aside, "Ah, ha! now we know the reason +why Miss Marie ate her breakfast so calmly, while her sister danced for +joy. They had beaux who were expecting them." "Simpleton!" thought I: +"must women always have beaux in order to be calm about the future?" + +Mr. G. came on board in a few minutes, bringing us from his wife an +invitation of welcome to her house. I cannot express in words the emotion +awakened in my heart by the really unselfish kindness that had impelled +these people to greet us in this manner; and this was increased when we +reached their very modest dwelling, consisting of a large shop in which +Mr. G. carried on his business of manufacturing fringes and tassels, one +sitting-room, a bedroom, and a small kitchen. My strength left me, and my +composure dissolved in a flood of tears. The good people did all that they +could to make us feel at home, and insisted that we should occupy the +sitting-room until we had decided what further to do. Of course, I +determined that this should be for as short a time as possible, and that +we would immediately look out for other lodgings. + +One-half of this first day was spent in talking about home; the other, in +making an excursion to Hoboken. This visit we would gladly have dispensed +with, so exhausted were we by the excitement that we had passed through +since sunrise; but our friends were bent on entertaining us with stories +and sights of the New World, and we followed them rather reluctantly. I +have since been glad that I did so; for my mind was in a state that +rendered it far more impressible than usual, and therefore better fitted +to observe much that would have been lost to me in a less-excited +condition. Here I first saw the type of common German life on Sunday in +America; and I saw enough of it on that one Sunday afternoon to last a +whole lifetime. My friends called on several of their acquaintances. +Everywhere that we went, I noticed two peculiarities,--comparative poverty +in the surroundings, and apparent extravagance in the manner of living: +for in every house we found an abundance of wine, beer, cake, meat, salad, +&c., although it was between the hours of meals; and every one was eating, +although no one seemed hungry. At nine o'clock in the evening, the visit +was concluded by going to a hotel, where a rich supper was served up to +us; and at eleven at night we returned home. My work in America had +already commenced. Was it not necessary for a stranger in a new country to +observe life in all its phases, before entering upon it? It seemed so to +me; and I had already planned, while on ship-board, to spend the first +month in observations of this kind. I had made a fair beginning; and, when +I saw many repetitions of this kind of life among my countrymen, I feared +that this was their main purpose in this country, and their consolation +for the loss of the entertainments and recreations which their fatherland +offered to them. But, as soon as I got opportunity to make my observations +among the educated classes I found my fear ungrounded; and I also found +that the Americans had noticed the impulse for progress and higher +development which animated these Germans. The German mind, so much honored +in Europe for its scientific capacity, for its consistency regarding +principles, and its correct criticism, is not dead here: but it has to +struggle against difficulties too numerous to be detailed here; and +therefore it is that the Americans don't know of its existence, and the +chief obstacle is their different languages. A Humboldt must remain +unknown here, unless he chooses to Americanize himself in every respect; +and could he do this without ceasing to be Humboldt the cosmopolitan +genius? + +It would be a great benefit to the development of this country if the +German language was made a branch of education, and not an accomplishment +simply. Only then would the Americans appreciate how much has been done by +the Germans to advance higher development, and to diffuse the true +principles of freedom. It would serve both parties to learn how much the +Germans aid in developing the reason, and supporting progress in every +direction. The revolution of 1848 has been more serviceable to America +than to Germany; for it has caused the emigration of thousands of men who +would have been the pride of a free Germany. America has received the +German freemen, whilst Germany has retained the _subjects_. + +The next morning, I determined to return to the ship to look after my +baggage. As Mr. and Mrs. G. were busy in their shop, there was no one to +accompany me: I therefore had either to wait until they were at leisure, +or to go alone. I chose the latter, and took my first walk in the city of +New York on my way to the North River, where the ship was lying. The noise +and bustle everywhere about me absorbed my attention to such a degree, +that, instead of turning to the right hand, I went to the left, and found +myself at the East River, in the neighborhood of Peck Slip. Here I +inquired after the German ship "Deutschland," and was directed, in my +native tongue, down to the Battery, and thence up to Pier 13, where I +found the ship discharging the rest of her passengers and their baggage. +It was eleven o'clock when I reached the ship: I had, therefore, taken a +three-hours' walk. I had now to wait until the custom-house officer had +inspected my trunks, and afterwards for the arrival of Mr. G., who came at +one o'clock with a cart to convey the baggage to his house. While standing +amidst the crowd, a man in a light suit of clothes of no positive color, +with a complexion of the same sort, came up to me, and asked, in German, +whether I had yet found a boarding-place The man's smooth face +instinctively repelled me; yet the feeling that I was not independently +established made me somewhat indefinite in my reply. On seeing this, he at +once grew talkative and friendly, and, speaking of the necessity of +finding a safe and comfortable home, said that he could recommend me to a +hotel where I would be treated honestly; or that, if I chose to be in a +private family, he knew of a very kind, motherly lady, who kept a +boarding-house for ladies alone,--not to make money, but for the sake of +her country-women. The familiarity that he mingled in his conversation +while trying to be friendly made me thoroughly indignant: I turned my back +upon him, saying that I did not need his services. It was not long before +I saw him besieging my sister Anna, who had come with Mr. G.; being +nervous lest I might not have found the ship. What he said to her, I do +not know. I only remember that she came to me, saying, "I am afraid of +that man: I wish that we could go home soon." This meeting with a man who +makes friendly offers of service may seem a small matter to the mere +looker-on; but it ceases to be so when one knows his motives: and, since +that time, I have had but too many opportunities to see for what end these +offers are made. Many an educated girl comes from the Old World to find a +position as governess or teacher, who is taken up in this manner, and is +never heard from again, or is only found in the most wretched condition. +It is shameful that the most effective arrangements should not be made for +the safety of these helpless beings, who come to these shores with the +hope of finding a Canaan. + +The week was mostly spent in looking for apartments; as we had concluded +to commence housekeeping on a small scale, in order to be more independent +and to save money. On our arrival, I had borrowed from my sister the +hundred dollars which my father had given her on our departure from +Berlin, and which was to be my capital until I had established myself in +business. I succeeded in finding a suite of rooms, with windows facing the +street, in the house of a grocer; and, having put them in perfect order, +we moved into them on the 6th of June, paying eleven dollars as our rent +for two months in advance. + +My sister took charge of our first day's housekeeping while I went to +deliver my letters of introduction. I went first to Dr. Reisig, in +Fourteenth Street. My mother, who had employed him when he was a young man +and we were small children, had spoken of him kindly; and, for this +reason, I had confidence in him. I found him a very friendly man, but by +no means a cordial one. He informed me that female physicians in this +country were of the lowest rank, and that they did not hold even the +position of a good nurse. He said that he wished to be of service to me if +I were willing to serve as nurse; and, as he was just then in need of a +good one, would recommend me for the position. I thanked him for his +candor and kindness, but refused his offer, as I could not condescend to +be patronized in this way. Depressed in hope, but strengthened in will, I +did not deliver any more of my letters, since they were all to physicians, +and I could not hope to be more successful in other quarters. I went home, +therefore, determined to commence practice as a stranger. + +The result of my experiment discouraged my sister greatly. After +meditating for some time, she suddenly said, "Marie, I read in the paper +this morning of a dressmaker who wanted some one to sew for her. I know +how to sew well: I shall go there, and you can attend to our little +household. No one here knows me, and I do not think there is any thing +wrong in my trying to earn some money." + +She was determined, and went. I put up my sign, and spent my time in +attending to the household duties, and in reading in order to gain +information of the country and the people. Occasionally I took walks +through different parts of the city, to learn, from the houses and their +surroundings the character of life in New York. I am sure that though, +perhaps, I appeared idle, I was not so in reality; for during this time I +learned the philosophy of American life. + +But our stock of money was becoming less and less. To furnish the rooms +had cost us comparatively little, as we had brought a complete set of +household furniture with us; but paying the rent and completing the +arrangements had not left us more than enough to live upon, in the most +economical manner, until the 1st of August. My sister obtained the place +at the dressmaker's; and after working a week from seven in the morning +until twelve (when she came home to dinner), then from one in the +afternoon until seven in the evening, she received two dollars and +seventy-five cents as the best sewer of six. She brought home the hardly +earned money with tears in her eyes; for she had expected at least three +dollars for the week's work. She had made each day a whole muslin dress, +with the trimmings. And this was not all: the dressmaker often did not pay +on Saturday nights, because, as she said, people did not pay her +punctually; and the poor girls received their wages by six or eight +shillings at a time. For the last two weeks of my sister's work, she +received her payment seven weeks after she had left. + +We lived in this manner until the middle of July, when I lost patience; +for practice did not come as readily as I wished, nor was I in a position +for making money in any other way. My sister, usually so cheerful and +happy, grew grave from the unusual work and close confinement. One of +these nights, on lying down to sleep, she burst into tears, and told me of +her doubts and fears for the future. I soothed her as well as I could, and +she fell asleep. For myself, I could not sleep, but lay awake all night +meditating what I could possibly do. Should I write home, requesting help +from my father? He certainly would have given it; for we had received a +letter two weeks before, offering us all desirable aid. No: all my pride +rebelled against it. "I must help myself," I thought, "and that +to-morrow." + +The next morning, my sister left me as usual. I went out, and walked +through the city to Broadway turning into Canal Street, where I had formed +an acquaintance with a very friendly German woman by purchasing little +articles at various times at her store. I entered without any particular +design, and exchanged a few commonplaces with her about the weather. Her +husband stood talking with a man about worsted goods, and their +conversation caught my ear. The merchant was complaining because the +manufacturer did not supply him fast enough: upon which the man answered, +that it was very difficult to get good hands to work; and that, besides, +he had more orders than it was possible to fill; naming several merchants +whose names I had seen in Broadway, who were also complaining because he +did not supply them. After he had left, I asked carelessly what kind of +articles were in demand, and was shown a great variety of worsted +fancy-goods. A thought entered my brain. I left the store, and, walking +down Broadway, asked at one of the stores that had been mentioned for a +certain article of worsted goods, in order to learn the price. Finding +this enormous, I did not buy it; and returned home, calculating on my way +how much it would cost to manufacture these articles, and how much profit +could be made in making them on a large scale. I found that two hundred +per cent profit might be made by going to work in the right way. My sister +came home, as usual, to dinner. I sat down with her, but could not eat. +She looked at me anxiously, and said, "I hope you are not sick again. Oh, +dear! what shall we do if you get sick?" I had been ill for a week, and +she feared a relapse. I said nothing of my plan, but consoled her in +respect to my health. + +As soon as she had left, I counted my money. But five dollars remained. If +I had been dependent upon money for cheerfulness, I should certainly have +been discouraged. I went to John Street, and, entering a large worsted +store, inquired of a cheerful-looking girl the wholesale price of the best +Berlin wool; how many colors could be had in a pound; &c. The pleasant and +ready answers that I received in my native tongue induced me to tell her +frankly that I wanted but a small quantity at that time, but that I +intended to make an experiment in manufacturing worsted articles; and, if +successful, would like to open a small credit, which she said they +generally would do when security was given. + +I purchased four and a half dollars' worth of worsted; so that fifty cents +were left in my pocket when I quitted the store. I then went to the office +of a German newspaper, where I paid twenty-five cents for advertising for +girls who understood all kinds of knitting. When my sister came home at +night, the worsted was all sorted on the table in parcels for the girls +who would come the next morning, while I was busily engaged in the +experiment of making little worsted tassels. I had never been skilful in +knitting; but in this I succeeded so well, that I could have made a +hundred yards of tassels in one day. My sister turned pale on seeing all +this; and hurriedly asked, "How much money have you spent?"--"All, my +dear Anna," answered I; "all, except twenty-five cents, which will be +sufficient to buy a pound of beefsteak and potatoes for to-morrow's +dinner. Bread, tea, and sugar we have still in the house; and to-morrow +night you will bring home your twenty-two shillings." "May you succeed, +Marie! that is all I have to say," was her reply. She learned of me that +evening how to make the tassels; and we worked till midnight, finishing a +large number. + +The next day was Saturday, and some women really came to get work. I gave +them just enough for one day, keeping one day's work in reserve. The day +was spent busily in arranging matters, so that, on Monday morning, I might +be able to carry a sample of the manufactured articles to those stores +that I had heard mentioned as not being sufficiently supplied. + +In the evening, my sister came home without her money: the dressmaker had +gone into the country in the afternoon, without paying the girls. She was +more than sad, and I felt a little uncomfortable; for what was I to do, +without money to provide for the next two days, or to pay those girls on +Monday with whose work I might not be satisfied? What was to be done? To +go down to our landlord, the grocer, and ask him to advance us a few +dollars? No: he was a stranger, and had no means of knowing that we would +return the money. Besides, I did not wish the people in the house to know +our condition. + +My resolution was taken. I proposed to my sister to go to the market with +me to buy meat and fruit for the morrow. She looked at me with blank +astonishment; but, without heeding it, I said calmly, taking from the +bureau-drawer the chain of my watch, "Anna, opposite the market, there is +a pawnbroker. No one knows us; and, by giving a fictitious name, we can +get money, without thanking any one for it." She was satisfied; and, +taking a little basket, we went on our errand. I asked of the pawnbroker +six dollars, under the name of Mueller and received the money; after which +we made our purchases, and went home in quite good spirits. + +On Monday morning, the knitters brought home their work. I paid them, and +gave them enough for another day; after which I set about finishing each +piece, completing the task about two in the afternoon. This done, I +carried the articles to Broadway; and, leaving a sample in a number of +stores, received orders from them for several dozens.[3] I then went to +the worsted store in John Street, where I also obtained orders for the +manufactured articles, together with ten dollars' worth of worsted on +credit; having first given my name and residence to the book-keeper, with +the names of the stores from which I had received orders. In the evening, +when my sister came home, I was, therefore, safely launched into a +manufacturing business. The news cheered her greatly; but she could not be +induced to quit her sewing. The new business had sprung up so rapidly and +pleasantly that she could not trust in the reality of its existence. + +I must tell you here something of the social life that we led. We had +brought a number of friendly letters with us from our acquaintances in +Berlin to their friends and relatives in America; all of which, upon our +arrival, we sent by post, with the exception of two,--the one sent by a +neighbor to his son, Albert C.; the other to a young artist; both of whom +called for their letters. About four weeks after we were settled in New +York, we received a call from some young men whose sisters had been +schoolmates of my sisters in Berlin, who came to inquire of us where to +find Mr. C. We could give them no information, as we had not seen him +since he called for his letter; neither did we now see any thing of the +G.'s: but the acquaintance thus formed with these young men was continued, +and our solitude was now and then enlivened by an hour's call from them. +Soon after I had commenced my new business, they came one day in company +with Mr. C., whom they had met accidently in the street, and, on his +expressing a wish to see us, had taken the liberty to bring to our house. + +My business continued to prosper; and, by constantly offering none but the +best quality of goods for sale, in a very short time I had so much to do, +that my whole time in the day was occupied with out-door business, and I +was forced to sit up at night with my sister to prepare work for the +knitters. At one time, we had constantly thirty girls in our employ; and +in this way I became acquainted with many of those unfortunates who had +been misled and ruined on their arrival by persons pretending friendship. +Two of these in particular interested me greatly. One, the grand-daughter +of Krummacher, and bearing his name, was the daughter of a physician, who +had come to this country, hoping to find a place as governess. Poor girl! +she was a mere wreck when I found her, and all my efforts to raise her up +were in vain. She was sick, and in a terrible mental condition. We took +her into our house, nursed her and cared for her, and, when she had +recovered, supplied her with work; for which we paid her so well, that she +always had three dollars a week, which paid for her board and washing. It +was twice as much as she could earn, yet not enough to make her feel +reconciled with life. At one time, she did not come to us for a whole +week. I went to see her, and her landlady told me that she was melancholy. +I persuaded her to come and stay with us for a few days; but, in spite of +all my friendly encouragement I could not succeed in restoring her to +cheerfulness. She owned that she could not work merely to live: she did +not feel the pangs of hunger; but she felt the want of comforts to which +she had been accustomed, and which, in our days, are regarded as +necessities. She attempted to find a situation as governess; but her +proficiency in music, French, and drawing, counted as nothing. She had no +city references; and, having been two years in New York, dared not name +the place to which she had been conducted on her arrival. She left us at +last in despair, after having been a week with us. She never called again, +and I could not learn from her landlady where she had gone. Three months +afterwards, I heard from one of the girls in our employ that she had +married a poor shoemaker in order to have a home; but I never learned +whether this was true. About a year later, I met her in the Bowery, poorly +but cleanly dressed. She hastily turned away her face on seeing me; and I +only caught a glimpse of the crimson flush that overspread her +countenance. + +The other girl that I referred to was a Miss Mary ----, who came with her +mother to this country, expecting to live with a brother. They found the +brother married, and unwilling to support his sister; while his wife was +by no means friendly in her reception of his mother. The good girl +determined to earn a support for her mother, and a pretended friend +offered to take care of their things until she could find work and rent +lodgings. After four weeks' search, she found a little room and bedroom in +a rear-building in Elizabeth Street, at five dollars a month; and was +preparing to move, when her _friend_ presented a bill of forty dollars for +his services. She could only satisfy his rapacity by selling every thing +that she could possibly spare: after which she commenced to work; and as +she embroidered a great deal, besides working for me (for which I paid her +six dollars a week), for a time she lived tolerably well. After some time, +her mother fell ill; and she had to nurse her and attend to the household, +as well as labor for their support. It was a trying time for the poor +girl. She sought her brother; but he had moved to the West. I did all that +I could for her; but this was not half enough: and, after I had quitted +the manufacturing business and left the city, my sister heard that she had +drowned herself in the Hudson, because her mother's corpse was lying in +the house, while she had not a cent to give it burial, or to buy a piece +of bread, without selling herself to vice. + +Are not these two terrible romances of New-York life? And many besides did +I learn among these poor women; so many, indeed, that I forget the details +of all. Stories of this kind are said to be without foundation: I say that +there are more of them in our midst than it is possible to imagine. Women +of good education, but without money, are forced to earn their living. +They determine to leave their home, either because false pride +preprevents their seeking work where they have been brought up as +_ladies_, or because this work is so scarce that they cannot earn by it +even a life of semi-starvation; while they are encouraged to believe that +in this country they will readily find proper employment. They are too +well educated to become domestics; better educated, indeed, than are half +the teachers here: but modesty, and the habit of thinking that they must +pass through the same legal ordeal as in Europe, prevent them from seeking +places in this capacity. They all know how to embroider in the most +beautiful manner; and, knowing that this is well paid for in Europe, seek +to find employment of this kind in the stores. Not being able to speak +English, they believe the stories of the clerks and proprietors and are +made to work at low wages, and are often swindled out of their money. They +feel homesick forlorn and forsaken in the world. Their health at length +fails them, and they cannot earn bread enough to keep themselves from +starvation. They are too proud to beg; and the consequence is, that they +walk the streets, or throw themselves into the river. + +I met scores of these friendless women. Some I took into my house; for +others I found work, and made myself a sort of guardian; while to others +I gave friendship to keep them morally alive. It is a curious fact, that +these women are chiefly Germans. The Irish resort at once to beggary or +are inveigled into brothels, as soon as they arrive; while the French are +always intriguing enough either to put on a white cap and find a place as +_bonne_, or to secure a _private_ lover. + +I am often in despair about the helplessness of women, and the readiness +of men to let them earn money in abundance by shame, while they grind them +down to the merest pittance for honorable work. Shame on society, that +women are forced to surrender themselves to an abandoned life and death, +when so many are enjoying wealth and luxury in extravagance! I do not wish +them to divide their estates with the poor; I am no friend to communism in +any form: I only wish institutions that shall give to women an education +from childhood that will enable them, like young men, to earn their +livelihood. These weak women are the last to come forth to aid in their +emancipation from inefficient education. We cannot calculate upon these: +we must educate the children for better positions and leave the adults to +their destiny. + +How many women marry only for a shelter or a home! How often have I been +the confidante of girls, who the day before, arrayed in satin, had given +their hands to rich men before the altar, while their hearts were breaking +with suppressed agony! and this, too, among Americans, this great, free +nation, who, notwithstanding, let their women starve. It is but lately +that a young woman said to me, "I thank Heaven, my dear doctor, that you +are a woman; for now I can tell you the truth about my health. It is not +my body that is sick, but my heart. These flounces and velvets cover a +body that is sold,--sold legally to a man who could pay my father's +debts." Oh! I scorn men, sometimes from the bottom of my heart. Still this +is wrong: for it is the women's, the mothers' fault, in educating their +daughters to be merely beautiful machines, fit to ornament a fine +establishment; while, if they do not succeed in gaining this, there is +nothing left but wretchedness of mind and body. Women, there is a +connection between the Fifth Avenue and the Five Points! Both the rich and +the wretched are types of womanhood; both are linked together, forming one +great body; and both have the same part in good and evil. I can hardly +leave this subject, though it may seem to have little to do with my +American experience; but a word spoken from a full heart not only gives +relief, but may fall on _one_ listening ear, and take root there. + +I must now return to my new enterprise. The business paid well: and, +although I was often forced to work with my sister till the dawn of +morning, we were happy; for we had all that we needed, and I could write +home that the offered assistance was superfluous. Here I must say, that I +had resolved, on leaving Berlin, never to ask for aid, in order that I +might be able with perfect freedom to carry out my plans independently of +my family. How this was ever to be done, I did not yet see; though I had a +good opportunity to learn, from life and from the papers, what I had to +expect here. But this mode of instruction, though useful to one seeking to +become a philosopher, was very unsatisfactory to me. The chief thing that +I learned was, that I must acquire English before I could undertake any +thing. And this was the most difficult point to overcome. I am not a +linguist by nature: all that I learn of languages must be obtained by the +greatest perseverance and industry; and, for this, my business would not +allow me time. + +Shortly after I had fairly established myself in the manufacturing +business, I received news from Berlin, that Sister Catherine had left the +Hospital Charite, and was intending to join me in America, in order to aid +me in carrying out my plan for the establishment of a hospital for women +in the New World. The parties interested in her had finally succeeded in +placing her in the wished-for position, thus disconnecting her from the +sisterhood. But, after my departure, the position became greatly modified +in rank, and inferior in character. Private reasons besides made it +disagreeable for her to remain there any longer; and in this moment she +remembered my friendship towards her, and in the unfortunate belief that +she shared with many others, that all that I designed to do I could do at +once, resolved to come to me, and offer her assistance. She joined us on +the 22d of August, and was not a little disappointed to find me in the +tassel instead of the medical line. The astonishment with which her +acquaintances in Berlin heard her announce her intention of going to seek +help from a person to whom she had been less than a friend, could not be +expressed in words; and she told me that the annoyance that they +manifested was really the chief stimulus that decided her to come at last. +She arrived without a cent. Having always found friends enough ready to +supply her with money, whenever she wished to establish a temporary +hospital, it had never occurred to her that she should need any for +private use, beyond just enough to furnish the simple blue merino dress of +the sisterhood, which had often been provided for her by the Kaiserswerth +Institute. But here she was; and she very soon learned to understand the +difficulties which must be overcome before I could enter again into my +profession. She became satisfied, and lived with us, sharing equally in +whatever we had ourselves. There is a peculiar satisfaction in showing +kindness to a person who has injured us, though unconsciously under +different circumstances: and, in her case, she was not entirely +unconscious of the harm she had done me; for she confessed to me while in +America, that her acquaintance was courted by all those who had been +thwarted in their opposition by my appointment, and that she knew well +that they sought every opportunity to annoy me. + +On the 18th of September, a sister, one year younger than myself, joined +us; having been tempted by our favorable accounts to try a life of +adventure. We were now four in the family. But Catherine gradually grew +discontented. Having been accustomed to the comforts afforded in large +institutions, and to receiving attentions from the most aristocratic +families of Prussia, the monotonous life that we led was only endurable to +her so long as the novelty lasted. This soon wore off, and she became +anxious for a change. She had heard her fellow-passengers speak of a +Pastor S., who had been sent to America as a missionary; and she begged me +to seek him out, and take her to him, that she might consult him as to +what she had best do. I did so, and she soon became acquainted with his +family. Mr. S. exerted himself in her behalf, and secured her a place as +nurse in the Home for the Friendless, where she had the charge of some +thirty children. This was a heavy task; for, though none were under a year +old, she was constantly disturbed through the night, and could get but a +few hours' consecutive sleep. Besides, she could not become reconciled to +washing under the hydrant in the morning, and to being forced to mingle +with the commonest Irish girls. She was in every respect a lady, and had +been accustomed to have a servant at her command, even in the midst of the +typhus-fever in the desolate districts of Silesia; while here she was not +even treated with humanity. This soon grew unbearable; and she returned to +us on the 16th of October, after having been only ten days in the +institution. So eager was she to make her escape, that she did not even +ask for the two dollars that were due her for wages. But we could not +receive her; for we had taken another woman in her place, as friendless +and as penniless as she. Besides, a misfortune had just fallen upon us. +During the night before, our doors had been unlocked, our bureau-drawers +inspected, and all our money, amounting to fifty-two dollars, carried off; +and, when Catherine arrived, we were so poor that we had to borrow the +bread and milk for our breakfast. Fortunately, the day before, I had +refused the payment due me for a large bill of goods; and this came now in +a very good time. I did not feel justified, however, in increasing the +family to five after our loss; nor did she claim our assistance, but went +again to Pastor S., who had invited her to visit his family. With his +assistance, she obtained some private nursing, which maintained her until +the congregation had collected money enough to enable her to return to +Berlin; which she did on the 2d of December. Having many friends in the +best circles of that city, she immediately found a good practice again; +and is now, as she says, enjoying life in a civilized manner. + +We moved at once from the scene of the robbery and took a part of a house +in Monroe Street, for which we paid two hundred dollars a year. Our +business continued good, and I had some prospects of getting into +practice. But, with spring, the demand for worsted goods ceased; and as my +practice brought me work, but no money, I was forced to look out for +something else to do. By accident, I saw in a store a coiffure made of +silk, in imitation of hair, which I bought; but I found, on examination, +that I could not manufacture it, as it was machine-work. I went, +therefore, to Mr. G., and proposed to establish a business with him, in +which he should manufacture these coiffures, while I would sell them by +wholesale to the merchants with whom I was acquainted. Mr. G. had +completely ruined himself during the winter by neglecting his business and +meddling with Tammany-Hall politics, which had wasted his money and his +time. He had not a single workman in his shop when I called, and was too +much discouraged to think of any new enterprise; but, on my telling him +that I would be responsible for the first outlay, he engaged hands, and, +in less than a month, had forty-eight persons busily employed. In this way +I earned money during the spring, and freed myself from the obligations +which his kindness in receiving us the spring before had laid upon us. + +My chief business now was to sell the goods manufactured by Mr. G. Our +worsted business was very small; and the prospect was that it would cease +entirely, and that the coiffure that we made would not long continue in +fashion. Some other business, therefore, had to be found, especially as it +was impossible for us to lay up money. Our family now consisted of myself +and two sisters, the friend that was staying with us, and a brother, +nineteen years of age, who had joined us during the winter, and who, +though an engineer and in good business, was, like most young men, +thoughtless and more likely to increase than to lighten our burdens. Our +friend Mr. C., who had become our constant visitor, planned at this time a +journey to Europe; so that our social life seemed also about to come to an +end. + +On the 13th of May, 1854, as I was riding down to the stores on my usual +business, reveries of the past took possession of my mind. Almost a year +in America, and not one step advanced towards my purpose in coming hither! +It was true that I had a comfortable home, with enough to live upon, and +had repaid my sister the money that I had borrowed from her on our +arrival; yet what kind of a life was it that I was leading, in a business +foreign to my nature and inclinations, and without even the prospect of +enlarging this? These reflections made me so sad, that, when I reached the +store, the book-keeper noticed my dejection, and told me, by way of +cheering me, that he had another order for a hundred dollars' worth of +goods, &c.; but this did not relieve me. I entered the omnibus again, +speculating constantly on what I should do next; when a thought suddenly +dawned upon me. Might not the people in the Home for the Friendless be +able to give me advice? I had hardly conceived the idea, when I determined +to ride directly up there, instead of stopping at the street in which I +lived. I thought, besides, that some employment might be found for my +sister Anna, in which she could learn the English language, for which she +had evinced some talent, while I had decided that I could never become +master of it. I had seen the matron, Miss Goodrich, once when I called +there on Catherine S. She had a humane face, and I was persuaded that I +should find a friend in her. I was not mistaken. I told her of my plans in +coming here, and of our present mode of life and prospects; and confided +to her my disappointment and dejection, as well as my determination to +persevere courageously. She seemed to understand and to enter into my +feelings, and promised to see Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, whom she advised me +to call upon at once. + +I went home full of the hope and inspiration of a new life. Dear Mary, you +can hardly comprehend the happiness of that morning. I was not suffering, +it is true, for the necessaries of life; but, what was far worse, I +suffered from the feeling that I lived for no purpose but to eat and to +drink. I had no friends who were interested in the pursuits towards which +my nature inclined; and I saw crowds of arrogant people about me, to whom +I could not prove that I was their equal in spite of their money. My +sisters had not seen me so cheerful since our arrival in America, and +thought that I had surely discovered the philosopher's stone. I told them +of what I had done, and received their approbation. + +On the morning of the 15th of May,--the anniversary of the death of Dr. +Schmidt and of my greatest joy and my greatest misery,--we received a call +from Miss Goodrich, who told us that she had seen Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, +and thought that she had also procured a suitable place for my sister. She +gave us the addresses of Dr. Blackwell and of Miss Catherine Sedgwick. We +called first upon the latter, who was extremely kind; and although she +had quite misunderstood our wishes,--having exerted herself to procure a +place for my sister in a way that manifested the belief that we had +neither a home nor the means to live,--yet her friendliness and readiness +to assist us made us for ever grateful to her. At that time we did not +know her standing in society, and looked upon her merely as a benevolent +and wealthy woman. We soon learned more of her, however: for, though +unsuccessful in her first efforts, she shortly after sent for my sister, +having secured her a place in Mr. Theodore Sedgwick's family; which was +acceptable, inasmuch as it placed her above the level of the servants. She +remained there seven weeks, and then returned home. + +On the same morning, I saw Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell; and from this call of +the 15th of May I date my new life in America. She spoke a little German, +and understood me perfectly when I talked. I gave her all my certificates +for inspection but said nothing to her of my plans in coming to America. +It would have seemed too ludicrous for me in my position to tell her that +I entertained the idea of interesting the people in the establishment of a +hospital for women. I hardly know what I told her, indeed; for I had no +other plan of which to speak, and therefore talked confusedly, like an +adventurer. I only know that I said that I would take the position of +nurse, if I could enter one of the large hospitals, in order to learn the +manner in which they were managed in this country. + +I cannot comprehend how Dr. Blackwell could ever have taken so deep an +interest in me as she manifested that morning; for I never in my life was +so little myself. Yet she did take this interest; for she gave me a sketch +of her own experience in acquiring a medical education, and explained the +requirements for such in this country, and the obstacles that are thrown +in the way of women who seek to become physicians. She told me of her plan +of founding a hospital,--the long-cherished idea of my life; and said that +she had opened a little dispensary--the charter for which was procured +during the preceding winter, under the name of "The New-York Infirmary for +Indigent Women and Children"--on the 1st of May, two weeks before, and +which was designed to be the nucleus for this hospital, where she invited +me to come and assist her. She insisted that, first of all, I should learn +English; and offered to give me lessons twice a week, and also to make +efforts to enable me to enter a college to acquire the title of M.D., +which I had not the right to attach to my name. I left her after several +hours' conversation, and we parted friends. + +I continued my work at home; going regularly to Dr. Blackwell to receive +lessons in English, and to assist her in the dispensary. As we grew better +acquainted, I disclosed more to her of the fact, that I had a fixed plan +in coming to this country; which increased her interest in me. She wrote +in my behalf to the different colleges, and at length succeeded in +obtaining admission for me to the Cleveland Medical College (Western +Reserve) on the most favorable terms; credit being given me on the +lecture-fees for an indefinite time. + +Here I must stop to tell you why this credit was necessary. The articles +that I had manufactured had gone out of fashion in May: and I could not +invent any thing new, partly because I no longer felt the same interest as +before, knowing that I should soon go to a medical college; and partly +because the articles then in fashion were cheaper when imported. We had to +live for a little while on the money that we had laid up, until I procured +a commission for embroidering caps. It is perfectly wonderful into +what kinds of business I was forced, all foreign to my taste. + +And here let me tell you some secrets of this kind of business, in which +hundreds of women starve, and hundreds more go down to a life of infamy. +Cap-making (the great business of Water Street of New York) gives +employment to thousands of unfortunates. For embroidering caps, the +wholesale dealer pays seven cents each; and for making up, three cents. To +make a dozen a day, one must work for sixteen hours. The embroidering is +done in this wise: I received the cut cloth from the wholesale dealer; +drew the pattern upon each cap; gave them, with three cents' worth of +silk, to the embroiderer, who received three cents for her work; then +pressed and returned them; thus making one cent on each for myself. By +working steadily for sixteen hours, a girl could embroider fifteen in a +day. I gave out about six dozen daily; earning, like the rest, fifty cents +a day: unless I chose to do the stamping and pressing at night, and to +embroider a dozen during the day; in which case, I earned a dollar. + +One can live in this way for a little while, until health fails, or the +merchant says that the work has come to an end. You will think this +terrible again. Oh, no! this is not terrible. The good men provide in +another way. They tell every woman of a prepossessing appearance, that it +is wrong in her to work so hard; that many a man would be glad to care for +her; and that many women live quite comfortably with the help of _a +friend_. They say, further, that it is lonely to live without ever going +to church, to the concert and theatre; and that if these women would only +permit the speakers to visit them, and to attend them to any of these +places, they would soon find that they would no longer be obliged to work +so hard. This is the polished talk of gentlemen who enjoy the reputation +of piety and respectability, and who think it a bad speculation to pay +women liberally for their work. So it would be, in truth; for these poor +creatures would not be so willing to abandon themselves to a disreputable +life, if they could procure bread in any other way. + +During the summer of 1854, I took work on commission from men of this +sort. While in Berlin I had learned from the prostitutes in the hospital +in what manner educated women often became what they then were. The +average story was always the same. The purest love made them weak; their +lover deceived and deserted them; their family cast them off by way of +punishment. In their disgrace, they went to bury themselves in large +cities, where the work that they could find scarcely gave them their daily +bread. Their employers attracted by their personal appearance and the +refinement of their speech and manners, offered them assistance in another +way, in which they could earn money without work. In despair, they +accepted the proposals; and sunk gradually, step by step, to the depths of +degradation, as depicted by Hogarth in the "Harlot's Progress." In New +York, I was thrown continually among men who were of the stamp that I +described before; and can say, even from my own experience, that no man is +ever more polite, more friendly, or more kind, than one who has impure +wishes in his heart. It is really so dangerous for a woman of refined +nature to go to such stores, that I never suffered my sister to visit +them; not because I feared that she would listen to these men, but because +I could not endure the thought that so innocent and beautiful a girl +should come in contact with them, or even breathe the same atmosphere. +When fathers are unwilling that their daughters shall enter life as +physicians, lawyers, merchants, or in any other public capacity, it is +simply because they belong to the class that so contaminates the air, +that none can breathe it but themselves; or because, from being thrown +constantly in contact with such men, they arrive at the same point at +which I then stood, and say to themselves "_I_ can afford to meet such +men. I am steeled by my knowledge of mankind, and supported by the +philosophy that I have learned during years of trial. It cannot hurt _me_; +but, by all means, spare the young and beautiful the same experience!" + +I dealt somewhat haughtily with the merchants whom I have described, in a +manner that at once convinced them of my position. But the consequence +was, that the embroidery commission, which had commenced so favorably, +suddenly ceased, "_because the Southern trade had failed_:" in truth, +because I would not allow any of these men to say any more to me than was +absolutely necessary in our business. My income became less and less, and +we were forced to live upon the money that we had laid up during the year. +I did not look for any new sources of employment, for I was intending to +go to Cleveland in October; while my next sister had business of her own, +and Anna was engaged to be married to our friend Mr. C. My brother was +also with them; and my mother's brother, whom she had adopted as a child, +was on his way to America. + +After having settled our affairs, fifty dollars remained as my share; and, +with this sum, I set out for Cleveland on the 16th of October, 1854. Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell had supplied me with the necessary medical text-books; +so that I had no other expenses than my journey and the matriculation +fees, which together amounted to twenty dollars, leaving thirty dollars in +my possession. + +I do not believe that many begin the study of medicine with so light a +purse and so heavy a heart as did I. My heart was heavy for the reason +that I did not know a single sentence of English. All of my study with Dr. +Blackwell had been like raindrops falling upon stone: I had profited +nothing. The lectures I did not care for, since there was more need of my +studying English than medicine: but the subjects were well known to me; +and I therefore reasoned, that, by hearing familiar things treated of in +English, I must learn the language; and the logic held good. + +I have already told you that the Faculty had agreed to give me credit for +my lecture-fees. Dr. Blackwell had written also to a lady there, who had +called upon her some time before in the capacity of President of a +Physiological Society, which, among other good things, had established a +small fund for the assistance of women desirous of studying medicine. This +lady (Mrs. Caroline M. Severance) replied in the most friendly manner, +saying that I might come directly to her house, and that she would see +that my board for the winter was secured by the Physiological Society over +which she presided. + +The journey to Cleveland was a silent but a pleasant one. Through a +mishap, I arrived on Saturday night, instead of in the morning; and, being +unwilling to disturb Mrs. Severance at so late an hour, went first to a +hotel. But what trials I had there! No one could understand me; until at +last I wrote on a slate my own name and Mrs. Severance's, with the words, +"A carriage," and "To-morrow." From this the people inferred that I wished +to stay at the hotel all night, and to have a carriage to take me to Mrs. +Severance's the next day; as was the case. A waiter took my carpet-bag and +conducted me to a room. I could not understand his directions to the +supper-room, neither could I make him understand that I wanted some supper +in my own room; and the consequence was, that I went to bed hungry, having +eaten nothing all day but a little bread, and an apple for luncheon. + +As soon as I was dressed the next morning, I rang the bell furiously; and, +on the appearance of the waiter, exclaimed, "Beefsteak!" This time he +comprehended me, and went laughingly away to bring me a good breakfast. I +often saw the same waiter afterwards at the hotel; and he never saw me +without laughing, and exclaiming, "Beefsteak!" + +In the course of the forenoon, I was taken in a carriage to the house of +Mrs. Severance; but the family were not at home. I returned to the hotel, +somewhat disheartened and disappointed. Although I should have supposed +that death was not far off if no disappointment had happened to me when I +least expected it, yet this persistent going wrong of every thing in +Cleveland was really rather dispiriting. But a bright star soon broke +through the clouds, in the shape of Mr. Severance, who came into the +parlor directly after dinner, calling for me in so easy and so cordial a +manner, that I forgot every thing, and was perfectly happy. This feeling, +however, lasted only until I reached the house. I found four fine +children, all full of childish curiosity to hear me talk; who, as soon as +they found that I could not make myself understood by them, looked on me +with that sort of contempt peculiar to children when they discover that a +person cannot do as much as they can themselves. Mr. Severance, too, was +expecting to find me accomplished in music, "like all Germans;" and had to +learn that I had neither voice nor ear for the art. Mrs. Severance +understood a little German, yet not half enough to gain any idea of how +much or how little I was capable of doing; and therefore looked upon me +with a sort of uncertainty as to what was my real capacity. This position +was more provoking than painful; there was even something ludicrous in it: +and, when not annoyed, I often went into my room to indulge in a hearty +laugh by myself. + +I met with a most cordial reception in the college The dean (Dr. John J. +Delamater) received me like a father; and, on the first day, I felt +perfectly at home. All was going on well. I had a home at Mrs. +Severance's; while, despite my mutilated English, I found many friends in +the college, when circumstances changed every thing. Some changes occurred +in Mr. Severance's business; and he was forced, in consequence, to give up +house-keeping At that time, I did not know that the Physiological Society +was ready to lend me money; and was therefore in great distress. I never +experienced so bitter a day as that on which Mrs. Severance told me that I +could stay with her no longer. It was but five weeks after my arrival, and +I was not able to make myself understood in the English language, which +was like chaos to me. On the same day, I well remember, that, for the +first time in my life, I made an unsuccessful attempt to borrow money; +and, because it was the first and the last time, it was the more painful +to me to be refused. I envied the dog that lived, and was happy without +troubling his brain; I envied the kitchen-maid that did her work +mechanically, and enjoyed life far more than those fitted by nature for +something higher, while the world would go on just as well without them as +with them. + +Mrs. Severance secured a boarding-place for me for the rest of the winter; +and paid my board, amounting to thirty-three dollars, from the funds of +the society. I lived quietly by myself; studied six hours daily at home, +with four dictionaries by me; attending six lectures a day, and going in +the evening for three hours to the dissecting-rooms. I never conversed +with any one in the boarding-house nor even asked for any thing at the +table; but was supplied like a mute. This silence was fruitful to me. +About New Year, I ventured to make my English audible; when, lo! every one +understood me perfectly. From this time forward, I sought to make +acquaintances, to the especial delight of good old Dr. Delamater, who had +firmly believed that I was committing gradual suicide. Through Mrs. +Severance, I became acquainted with Dr. Harriot K. Hunt, who was then on a +visit to Cleveland; and, through her, with the Rev. A.D. Mayo, who was +pastor of a small society there, known as that of the Liberal Christians. + +I found many dear and valued friends during my residence in Cleveland, but +none to whom I am bound in lasting gratitude as to Mr. Mayo, who offered +me his assistance when he learned that I was in need; my extra expenses +having swallowed up the little money that I had brought with me, so that I +had not even enough to return to my sisters in New York. As the minister +of a small congregation advocating Liberal ideas, he had a hard position +in Cleveland, both socially and pecuniarily; yet he offered to share his +little with me. I was forced to accept it; and I am now, and have always +been, glad that I did so. No one, that has not had the experience, can +appreciate the happiness that comes with the feeling, that a rich man has +not cast a fragment of his superfluity towards you (and here let me +remark, that it is next to impossible to find wealth and generosity go +together in friendship), but that the help comes from one who must work for +it as well as the recipient. It proves the existence of the mutual +appreciation that is known by the name of "friendship." The apple given by +a friend is worth ten times more than a whole orchard bestowed in such a +way as to make you feel that the gift is but the superfluity of the donor. + +I remained for ten months a member of Mr. Mayo's family; when he received +a call to Albany, and changes had to be made in his household. During this +time, I earned a little money by giving lessons in German, that served to +cover my most necessary expenses. For the last five months that I spent in +Cleveland, I carried in my purse one solitary cent as a sort of talisman; +firmly believing that some day it would turn into gold: but this did not +happen; and on the day that I was expecting the receipt of the last +eighteen dollars for my lessons, which were designed to bear my expenses +to New York, I gave it to a poor woman in the street who begged me for a +cent; and it doubtless, ere long, found its way into a gin-shop. + +The twenty months that I spent in Cleveland were chiefly devoted to the +study of medicine in the English language; and in this I was assisted by +most noble-hearted men. Dr. Delamater's office became a pleasant spot, and +its occupants a necessity to me; and, on the days that I did not meet +them, my spirits fell below zero. In spite of the pecuniary distress from +which I constantly suffered, I was happier in Cleveland than ever before +or since. I lived in my element; having a fixed purpose in view, and +enjoying the warmest tokens of real friendship. I was liked in the +college; and, though the students often found it impossible to repress a +hearty laugh at my ridiculous blunders in English, they always showed me +respect and fellowship in the highest sense of the terms. In the beginning +of the first winter, I was the only woman; after the first month, another +was admitted; and, during the second winter, there were three besides +myself that attended the lectures and graduated in the spring. I should +certainly look upon this season as the spring-time of my life, had not a +sad event thrown a gloom over the whole. + +In the autumn of 1854, after deciding to go to Cleveland to resume my +medical studies, I wrote to my parents to tell them of my hopes and aims. +These letters were not received with the same pleasure with which they +had been written. My father, who had encouraged me before my entrance upon +a public career, was not only grieved by my return to my old mode of life, +but greatly opposed to it, and manifested this in the strongest words in +the next letter that I received from him. My mother on the contrary, who +had not been at all enthusiastic in the beginning, was rather glad to +receive the news. As I had left many good friends among the physicians of +Berlin, my letters were always circulated, after their arrival, by one of +their number who stood high in the profession; and, though I did not +receive my father's approbation, he sent me several letters from strangers +who approved my conduct, and who, after hearing my letters, had sent him +congratulations upon my doings in America. How he received the respect +thus manifested to him, you can judge from a passage in one of his +letters, which I will quote to you:-- + +"I am proud of you, my daughter; yet you give me more grief than any other +of my children. If you were a young man, I could not find words in which +to express my satisfaction and pride in respect to your acts; for I know +that all you accomplish you owe to yourself: but you are a woman, a weak +woman; and all that I can do for you now is to grieve and to weep. O my +daughter! return from this unhappy path. Believe me, the temptation of +living for humanity _en masse,_ magnificent as it may appear in its aim, +will lead you only to learn that all is vanity; while the ingratitude of +the mass for whom you choose to work will be your compensation." + +Letters of this sort poured upon me; and, when my father learned that +neither his reasoning nor his prayers could turn me from a work which I +had begun with such enthusiasm, he began to threaten; telling me that I +must not expect any pecuniary assistance from him; that I would contract +debts in Cleveland which I should never be able to pay, and which would +certainly undermine my prospects; with more of this sort. My good father +did not know that I had vowed to myself, on my arrival in America, that I +would never ask his aid; and besides, he never imagined that I could go +for five months with a single cent in my pocket. Oh, how small all these +difficulties appeared to me, especially at a time when I began to speak +English! I felt so rich, that I never thought money could not be had, +whenever I wanted it in good earnest. + +After having been nine months in Cleveland, I received news that my +mother had left Berlin with my two youngest sisters to pay us a visit, and +to see what the prospects would be for my father in case she chose to +remain. Dear Mary, shall I attempt to describe to you the feeling that +over-powered me on the receipt of these tidings? If I did, you never could +feel it with me: for I could not picture in words the joy that I felt at +the prospect of beholding again the mother whom I loved beyond all +expression, and who was my friend besides; for we really never thought of +each other in our relation of mother and child, but as two who were bound +together as friends in thought and in feeling. No: I cannot give you a +description of this, especially as it was mingled with the fear that I +might not have the means to go to greet her in New York before another ten +months were over. Day and night, night and day, she was in my mind; and, +from the time that I had a right to expect her arrival, I counted the +hours from morning until noon, and from noon until night, when the +telegraph office would be closed. At length, on the 18th of September, the +despatch came,--not to me, but to my friend Mr. Mayo,--bearing the words, +"Tell Marie that she must calmly and quietly receive the news that our +good mother sleeps at the bottom of the ocean, which serves as her +monument and her grave." Mary, this is the most trying passage that I have +to write in this sketch of my life; and you must not think me weak that +tears blot the words as I write. My mother fell a victim to sea-sickness +which brought on a violent hemorrhage, that exhausted the sources of life. +She died three weeks before the vessel reached the port; and my two +sisters (the one seventeen and the other nine years of age) chose rather +to have her lowered on the Banks of Newfoundland, than bring to us a +corpse instead of the living. They were right; and the great ocean seems +to me her fitting monument. + +Of course, upon the receipt of these tidings, I could remain no longer in +Cleveland, but took my last money, and went to New York to stay for a +while with my afflicted brother and sisters. The journey was very +beneficial to me; for, without it, I should not have been able to go +through my winter's study. During my stay in New York, I often visited Dr. +Elizabeth Blackwell, and learned that the little dispensary was closed +because her practice prevented her from attending it regularly; but that, +during my absence, she had been trying to interest some wealthy friends +in the collection of money, to enable us, after my return in the spring, +to commence again upon a little larger scale. To effect this, she proposed +to hold a fair during the winter after my return; and we concluded that +the first meeting for this purpose should be held during my visit in New +York. She succeeded in calling together a few friends at her house, who +determined to form a nucleus for a Fair Association for the purpose of +raising money for the New-York Infirmary. + +I made a visit of a few days to Boston, and then returned again to +Cleveland. The winter passed in very much the same manner as the first, +with the difference that I spoke better English, and visited many friends +whom I had made during the preceding year. In the spring of 1856, I +graduated. Shortly after commencement, the Dean of the College (Dr. +Delamater) called upon me at the house of a friend with whom I was staying +on a visit. A call from this venerable gentleman was a thing so unusual, +that numberless conjectures as to what this visit might mean flitted +through my brain on my way to the parlor. He received me, as usual, +paternally; wished me a thousand blessings; and handed back to me the note +for one hundred and twenty dollars, payable in two years, which I had +given for the lecture-fees; telling me, that, in the meeting of the +Faculty after graduating-day it was proposed by one of the professors to +return the note to me as a gift; to which those present cheerfully gave a +unanimous vote, adding their wishes for my success, and appointing Dr. +Delamater as their delegate to inform me of the proceedings. This was a +glorious beginning, for which I am more than thankful, and for which I was +especially so at that time, when I had barely money enough to return to +New York, with very small prospects of getting means wherewith to commence +practice. The mention of this fact might be thought indiscreet by the +Faculty in Cleveland, were they still so organized as to admit women; +which, I am sorry to say, is no longer the case; though they give as their +reason, that women at present have their own medical colleges, and, +consequently, have no longer need of theirs. + +Before I quit the subject of the Cleveland College I must mention a fact, +which may serve as an argument against the belief that the sexes cannot +study together without exerting an injurious effect upon each other. +During the last winter of my study, there was such emulation in respect to +the graduating honors among the candidates for graduation comprising +thirty-eight male and four female students, that all studied more closely +than they had ever done before--the men not wishing to be excelled by the +women, nor the women by the men; and one of the professors afterwards told +me, that whereas it was usually a difficult thing to decide upon the three +best theses to be read publicly at the commencement, since all were more +or less indifferently written, this year the theses were all so good, that +it was necessary, to avoid doing absolute injustice, to select thirteen +from which parts should be read. Does not this prove that the stimulus of +the one sex upon the other would act rather favorably than otherwise upon +the profession? and would not the very best tonic that could be given to +the individual be to pique his _amour propre_ by the danger of being +excelled by one of the opposite sex? Is not this natural? and would not +this be the best and the surest reformation of humanity and its social +condition, if left free to work out its own development? + +On the day following the visit of Dr. Delamater, I received a letter from +my brother-in-law, in which he told me that his business compelled him to +go to Europe for half a year; and that he had, therefore, made +arrangements for me to procure money, in case that I should need it to +commence my practice. He said that he intended to assist me afterwards; +but that, as he thought it best for my sister (his wife) to live out of +New York during his absence, he was willing to lend me as much money as I +required until his return. I accepted his offer with infinite pleasure; +for it was another instance of real friendship. He was by no means a rich +man, but was simply in the employ of a large importing house. + +With these prospects I left Cleveland. Immediately after my arrival in New +York, I began to look out for a suitable office; consulting Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell, with whom I had maintained a constant correspondence, in regard +to location. I soon found that I could not obtain a respectable room +without paying an exorbitant price. Some were afraid to let an office to a +female physician, lest she might turn out a spiritual medium, clairvoyant +hydropathist, &c.; others, who believed me when I told them that I had a +diploma from a regular school, and should never practise contrary to its +requirements, inquired to what religious denomination I belonged, and +whether I had a private fortune, or intended to support myself by my +practice; while the third class, who asked no questions at all, demanded +three dollars a day for a back parlor alone, without the privilege of +putting a sign on the house or the door. Now, all this may be very +aggravating, when it is absolutely necessary that one should have a place +upon which to put a sign to let the world know that she is ready to try +her skill upon suffering humanity; but it has such a strongly ludicrous +side, that I could not be provoked, in spite of all the fatigue and +disappointment of wandering over the city, when, with aching limbs, I +commenced the search afresh each morning, with the same prospect of +success. I finally gave up looking for a room, and accepted Dr. Elizabeth +Blackwell's offer; to occupy her back parlor (the front one serving as her +own office); of which I took possession on the 17th of April. + +Meanwhile, I had regularly attended the Thursday fair-meetings; wondering +how persons could afford to meet to so little purpose. There was scarcely +any life in these gatherings; and, when I saw ladies come week after week +to resume the knitting of a baby's stocking (which was always laid aside +again in an hour or two, without any marked progress), I began to doubt +whether the sale of these articles would ever bring ten thousand cents, +instead of the ten thousand dollars which it was proposed at the first +meeting to raise in order to buy a house. I used to say on Wednesday, +"To-morrow we have our fair-meeting. I wonder whether there will be, as +usual, two and a half persons present, or three and three-quarters." + +I grew at length heartily sick of this kind of effort, and set about +speculating what better could be done. The idea occurred to me to go from +house to house, and ask for a dime at each, which, if given, would amount +to ten dollars a day; and, with the money thus collected daily for half a +year, to establish a nucleus hospital, which, as a fixed fact, should +stimulate its friends to further assistance. + +I took my note-book, and wrote out the whole plan, and also calculated the +expenses of such a miniature hospital as I proposed; including furniture +beds, household utensils; every thing, in short, that was necessary in +such an institution. With this book, which I still have in my possession, +I went one evening into Dr. Blackwell's parlor, and, seating myself, told +her that _I_ could not work any longer for the fair in the way that the +ladies were doing; and then read my plan to her, which I advocated long +and earnestly. She finally agreed with me that it would be better +speedily to establish a small hospital than to wait for the large sum that +had been proposed; though she did not approve of the scheme of the dime +collection, fearing that I would not only meet with great annoyances, but +would also injure my health in the effort. At that time, after some +discussion, I agreed with her: now I think that this plan would have been +better than that which I afterwards followed. On the same evening, I +proposed, and we agreed, that, on a year from that day (the 1st of May, +1857), the New-York Infirmary should be opened. + +I went to rest with a light heart, but rose sorrowfully in the morning. +"In one year from to-day, the Infirmary must be opened," said I to myself; +"and the funds towards it are two pairs of half-knit babies' stockings." +The day was passed in thinking what was the next best scheme to raise +money for its foundation. At length I remembered my visit to Boston, and +some friends there whose influence might help me _to beg_ for an +_institution for American women_. For myself I could never have begged; I +would sooner have drowned myself: now I determined to beg money from +Americans to establish an institution for their own benefit. This plan was +disclosed to Dr. Blackwell, and agreed upon, as there was nothing risked +in it; I taking the whole responsibility. + +On the next day, the fair-meeting was held at Dr. Blackwell's. The new +plan was brought forward; and, although it was as yet nothing but a plan, +it acted like a warm, soft rain upon a field after a long drought. The +knitting and sewing (for which I have a private horror under all +conditions) were laid aside, to my great relief; and the project was +talked of with so much enthusiasm, that I already saw myself in +imagination making my evening visits to the patients in the New-York +Infirmary; while all the members present (and there were unusually many; I +think, six or seven) discussed the question the next day among their +circles of friends, whether Henry Ward Beecher or a physician of high +standing should make the opening speech in the institution. + +This excitement increased the interest exceedingly and the succeeding +meetings were quite enthusiastic. The babies' stockings were never again +resumed (don't think that, because I detested those stockings so much, I +am cruel enough to wish the little creatures to go barefoot); but plans +were made for raising money in New York, and for getting articles for sale +on a larger scale. Dr. Blackwell wrote to her sister. Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who was at that time studying in England, requesting her to +make collections among their friends in that country; which she did with +success. + +After having thus thoroughly impressed the public mind with the idea that +the Infirmary must be opened, we began to look about for a suitable house. +In autumn, I went to Boston to see what aid could be obtained there. I +cannot tell you here in what manner I became acquainted with a circle of +noble women, who had both means and the disposition to employ them for +such a purpose: it suffices to say, that I interested them in the +undertaking and obtained a hundred dollars towards the expenses of the +fair, together with a promise of a large table of fancy-goods, and an +invitation to come again in case any further aid was needed. At the end of +three weeks, I left Boston for Philadelphia; but here I was not +successful, as all who were interested in the medical education of women +contributed largely already to the Philadelphia College. A small table of +fancy-goods was the result of my visit there. The money and promise of +goods that I received in Boston stimulated our friends in New York to such +a degree, that, in spite of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's doubts as to whether +we should cover the expenses, the fair realized a thousand dollars. Yet +this was not half sufficient to commence the proposed hospital; and I +therefore proposed to Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell that I should go on another +begging tour through New England, while she and her sister (Dr. Emily +Blackwell, who had arrived from England a week before the fair) should +arrange matters in New York, where they had more acquaintances than I. I +went for the second time to Boston in February, and met with unexpected +success; bringing back about six hundred dollars in cash, with promises of +a like sum for the ensuing two years. I had represented our scheme as a +three-years' experiment In the mean time, the Drs. Blackwell had hired a +large, old-fashioned house, No. 64, Bleeker Street, which we had looked at +together, and which was very well suited to our purpose, devoting the rest +of their time chiefly to endeavors to interest the Legislature in our +enterprise; the result of which was, that, though nothing was granted us +that spring, the next winter, when we could show our institution in +operation, the usual dispensary grant was extended to us. + +On the 3d of April, I returned from Boston, and almost immediately went to +work with some of our lady-managers to order beds and to furnish the +house and dispensary, and also to superintend the internal changes. After +five weeks of hard work, I had the pleasure, on the 15th of May, 1857, of +listening in the wards of the New-York Infirmary to the opening speeches +delivered by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, Dr. Elder, and Rev. Dudley Tyng. + +A few days afterwards, I admitted the first house-patient and opened the +dispensary, which I attended two days in the week; Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell taking charge of it for the remaining four days. I had +offered two years' gratuitous services as my contribution to the +Infirmary, remaining there not only as resident physician, but also as +superintendent of the household and general manager; and attending to my +private practice during the afternoon. The institution grew rapidly, and +the number of dispensary patients increased to such an extent, that the +time from seven in the morning until one in the afternoon was wholly +occupied in the examination of cases. In the second year of the existence +of the Infirmary the state of Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's health compelled +her to go to Europe: and for nine months Dr. Emily Blackwell and I took +charge of the business, which at this time was considerable; the +attendance at the dispensary averaging sixty daily. + +During the course of this year, I received letters from some of the +Trustees of the New-England Female Medical College in Boston, inquiring +whether I were inclined to take charge of a hospital in connection with +that institution. A consultation on the subject with Drs. Elizabeth and +Emily Blackwell seemed to prove to us, that by doing this, and helping the +college to attain its objects, we could probably best aid the cause of the +medical education of women. After hesitating for a long time what course +to pursue, I went to Boston in the spring of 1859, in order to define in a +public address my views and position in respect to the study of medicine. +I found so great a desire prevailing for the elevation of the institution +to the standard of the male medical colleges, and such enthusiasm in +respect to the proposed hospital, that I concluded at once to leave the +Infirmary; Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell's absence having proved that it could +be sustained by two, not only without loss, but with a steady increase, +secured by the good done by its existence. Having fulfilled my promise of +two years to the institution, on the 5th of June, 1859, I left for +Boston, where I am now striving to make the hospital-department as useful +as the New-York Infirmary is to the public and the students. + +Now, my dear Mary, you may think me very long in my story, especially in +the latter part, of which you know much already; but I could not refrain +from writing fully of this part of my life, which has been the object of +all my undertakings, and for which I have borne trials and overcome +difficulties which would have crushed nine out of ten in my position. I do +not expect that this will be the end of my usefulness; but I do expect +that I shall not have to write to you any more of my doings. It was simply +in order that you, my friend, should understand me fully, and because you +have so often expressed a wish to know my life before we met, that I +finished this work. Now you have me externally and internally, past and +present: and although there have been many influences besides which have +made their impressions on my peculiar development, yet they are not of a +nature to be spoken of as facts; as, for instance, your friendship for me. + +On looking back upon my past life, I may say that I am like a fine ship, +that, launched upon high seas, is tossed about by the winds and waves, +and steered against contrary currents, until finally stranded upon the +shore, where, from the materials, a small boat is built, just strong +enough to reach the port into which it had expected to enter with proudly +swelling sails. But this ambition is entirely gone; and I care now very +little whether the people recognize what is in me or not, so long as the +object for which I have lived becomes a reality. + +And now, my good friend, I must add one wish before I send these last few +pages to you; namely, that I may be enabled some day to go with you to +Berlin, to show you the scenes in which my childhood and youth were +passed, and to teach you on the spot the difference between Europe and +America. All other inducements to return have vanished. The death of my +father during the last year severed the last tie that bound me to my +native place. Nearly all the men who aided in promoting my wishes have +passed away; and the only stimulus that now remains to revisit the home of +my youth is the wish to wander about there with you, and perhaps two or +three other of my American friends. Until this can be accomplished, I hope +to continue my present work in the New-England Female Medical College, +which, though by no means yet what we wish it to be, is deserving of +every effort to raise it to the stand that it ought to take among the +medical institutions of America. + +Yours with love, + +Marie E. Zakrzewska. +Boston, September, 1859. + + * * * * * + +The sweet, pure song has ended. Happy she who has been permitted to set +its clear, strong notes to music. I need not murmur that my own old +hand-organ grows useless, since it has been permitted to grind out the +_key_. Yet Marie's story is told so modestly, and with so much personal +reserve, that, for the sake of the women whom we are both striving to +help, I must be forgiven for directing the public attention to a few of +its points. + +In all respects, the "little blind doctor" of the story is the Marie +Zakrzewska that we know. The early anecdotes give us the poetic +impressibility and the enduring muscular fibre, that make themselves felt +through the lively, facile nature. The voice that ordered the fetters +taken off of crazy Jacob is the voice we still hear in the wards of the +hospital. But that poetic impressibility did not run wild with crazy +fancies when she was left to sleep on the floor of the dead-house: the +same strong sense controlled it that started the "tassel manufactory" in +New York, where it had been meant to open a physician's office. Only +thirteen years old when she left school, she had but little aid beside a +_steady purpose_ in preparing for her career. We hear of her slatternly +habits; but who would ever guess them, who remembers the quiet, tasteful +dress of later years? + +How free from all egotism is the record! The brain-fever which followed +her attendance on her two aunts is mentioned as quietly as if it were a +sprained foot. Who of us but can see the wearing-away of nervous energy +which took place with the perpetual care of a cancer and a somnambulist +pressed also by the hard reading suggested by Dr. Arthur Luetze? Berlin +educated the second La Chapelle; but it was for America, not Germany. The +dreadful tragedy of Dr. Schmidt's death is hardly dwelt upon long enough +to show its full effects, so fearful is our friend of intruding a personal +matter. + +When "Woman's Right to Labor" was printed, many persons expressed their +regret that so little was said about sin and destitution in Boston itself; +and many refused to believe that every pit-fall and snare open in the Old +World gaped as widely here. "You have only the testimony of the girls +themselves," they would reply, when I privately told them what I had not +thought it wise to print. I have never regretted yielding to the motives +which decided me to withhold much that I knew. "If they believe not Moses +and the prophets, neither would they believe though one rose from the +dead," said, of old, the divine voice; and the hearts that were not +touched by what I thought it fit to tell would never have been stirred to +energy by fuller revelations. + +In these pages, authenticated by a pure and cultivated woman, who holds a +high position among us, every fact at which I hinted is made plain; and +here no careless talker may challenge the record with impunity. Here, as +in New York, smooth-faced men go on board the emigrant-ship, or the +steerage of the long-expected steamer; here, as there, they make friendly +offers and tell plausible lies, which girls who have never walked the +streets of Berlin at night, nor seen the occupants of a hospital-ward at +the Charite, can hardly be expected to estimate at their just worth. The +stories which I have told of unknown sufferers are here repeated. The +grand-daughter of Krummacher marries a poor shoemaker to save herself from +vice, and poor German Mary drowns herself in the Hudson because she feels +herself a burden on a heartless brother. Better far to sink beneath its +waves than beneath the more remorseless flood which sweeps over all great +cities. Now, when the story of the Water-street cap-makers is told, to be +matched by many another in Boston itself, it is no longer some ignorant, +half-trained stranger who tells the story, but the capable, skilled woman, +who, educated for better things, made tassels and coiffures, and accepted +commissions in embroidery, till the merchants were convinced that here, +indeed, was a woman without reproach. Water-street merchants would do well +to remember hereafter that the possibilities of a Zakrzewska lie hidden in +every oppressed girl, and govern themselves accordingly. Think of this +accomplished woman, able to earn no more than thirty-six cents a day,--a +day sixteen hours long, which finished a dozen caps at three cents each! +What, then, must become of clumsy and inferior work-women? Think of it +long and patiently, till you come to see, as she bids you, the true +relation between the idleness of women and money in the Fifth Avenue and +the hunted squalor of women without money at the Five Points. Women of +Boston, the parallel stands good for you. Listen, and you may hear the +dull murmur of your own "Black Sea," as it surges against your gateway. + +Hasten to save those whom it has not yet overwhelmed Believe me that many +of them are as pure and good as the babes whom you cradle in cambric and +lace. If you will not save them, neither shall you save your own beloved +ones from the current which undermines like a "back-water" your costliest +churches, your most sacred homes. + +Caroline H. Dall. +Oct. 29, 1860. + + + +L'Envoi. + +"Unbarred be all your gates, and opened wide, +Till she who honors women shall come in!" + +Dante: Sonnet xx. + + + + +Footnotes + + + +[1] Pronounced Zak-shef-ska. + +[2] "The undersigned, Secretary of Legation of the United States of +America, certifies that Miss Marie Elizabeth Zakrzewska has exhibited to +him very strong recommendations from the highest professional authorities +of Prussia, as a scientific, practical, experienced _accoucheuse_ of +unusual talent and skill. She has been chief _accoucheuse_ in the Royal +Hospital of Berlin, and possesses a certificate of her superiority from +the Board of Directors of that institution. She has not only manifested +great talent as a practitioner, but also as a teacher; and enjoys the +advantage of a moral and irreproachable private character. She has +attained this high rank over many female competitors in the same branch; +there being more than fifty[A] in the city of Berlin who threaten, by +their acknowledged excellence, to monopolize the obstetric art." + +Theo. S. Fay. + +"Legation United States, Berlin, Jan. 26, 1853." + +[SEAL.] + + [A] "Upon inquiry, I find that, instead of fifty, there are one hundred + and ten female _accoucheuses_ in Berlin. + + "THEO. S. FAY." + +[3] Here I have to remark, that, not being able to speak English, I +conducted my business at the different stores either in German or French, +as I easily found some of the _employees_ who could speak one of these +languages. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Practical Illustration of Woman's +Right to Labor, by Marie E. 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