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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11138-0.txt b/11138-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..02c3208 --- /dev/null +++ b/11138-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3221 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11138 *** + +[Illustration: LANDING OF THE ROMANS 54 B.C.] + + + +Bill Nye's + +Comic History of England + + + +HEREIN WILL BE FOUND A RECITAL OF THE MANY EVENTFUL EVENTS WHICH +TRANSPIRED IN ENGLAND FROM THE DRUIDS TO HENRY VIII. THE AUTHOR DOES NOT +FEEL IT INCUMBENT ON HIM TO PRESERVE MORE THAN THE DATES AND FACTS, AND +THESE ARE CORRECT, BUT THE LIGHTS AND SHADES OF THE VARIOUS PICTURES AND +THE ORNAMENTAL WORDS FURNISHED TO ADORN THE CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ARE +THE SOLE INVENTION OF THIS HISTORIAN. + + +[Illustration: KING RICHARD TRAVELING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY.] + + +ILLUSTRATED BY + +W.W. GOODES & A.M. RICHARDS + + + +1896 + + + + +PREFACE. + + +The readers of this volume will share our regret that the preface cannot +be written by Mr. Nye, who would have introduced his volume with a +characteristically appropriate and humorous foreword in perfect harmony +with the succeeding narrative. + +We need only say that this work is in the author's best vein, and will +prove not only amusing, but instructive as well; for the events, +successions, dates, etc., are correct, and the trend of actual facts is +adhered to. Of course, these facts are "embellished," as Mr. Nye would +say, by his fancy, and the leading historical characters are made to +play in fantastic _rôles_. Underneath all, however, a shrewd knowledge +of human nature is betrayed, which unmasks motives and reveals the true +inwardness of men and events with a humorous fidelity. + +The unfortunate illness to which Mr. Nye finally succumbed prevented the +completion of his history beyond the marriage of Henry VIII. to Anne +Boleyn. + +[Illustration: LANDING OF WILLIAM, PRINCE OF ORANGE, AT TORBAY +(1688).] + + + +TABLE OF CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. + +INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF +BRITAIN + +CHAPTER II. + +THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL +ELIMINATION + +CHAPTER III. + +THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF +BRITAIN ON NEW LINES + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE INFLUX OF THE DANES: FACTS SHOWING CONCLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON +THE BRITON OF TO-DAY + +CHAPTER V. + +THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO +TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING CHRONIC USURPATION +PROCLIVITIES + +CHAPTER VII. + +OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS: FOREIGN FOIBLES INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE +EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND +IMPLACABLE DISCORD + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR +RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES + +CHAPTER X. + +THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS, +FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD + +CHAPTER XI + +CONQUEST OF IRELAND: UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF +AN ACQUISITORIAL PROPENSITY + +CHAPTER XII. + +MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED: SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING +AN UNPOPULAR AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE + +CHAPTER XIII. + +FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED: ILLUSTRATING THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW +AND THE PERVERSITY OF THE SCOT + +CHAPTER XIV. + +IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH: INTERMINABLE DISSENSION, ASSISTED BY THE +PLAGUE, CONTINUES REDUCING THE POPULATION + +CHAPTER XV. + +MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS: ONWARD MARCH OF CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY +DELINEATED WITH THE HISTORIAN'S USUAL COMPLETENESS + +CHAPTER XVI. + +UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY: INTRODUCTION OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY +AID IN THE PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION + +CHAPTER XVII. + +BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE +INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD: GENERAL ADMIXTURE OF PRETENDERS, +RELIGION, POLITICS, AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS + + + + +[Illustration: THE DEATH OF MARY REVIVED THE HOPES OF THE +FRIENDS OF JAMES II., AND CONSPIRACIES WERE FORMED.] + +[Illustration: DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.] + +[Illustration: GEORGE FOX.] + +[Illustration: GENERAL BANKRUPTCY AND RUIN FOLLOWED THE CLOSING OF THE +EXCHEQUER OR TREASURY BY CHARLES II. (1672).] + +[Illustration: CHARLES II.] + +[Illustration: DUKE OF MONMOUTH IMPLORING FORGIVENESS OF JAMES II. +(1685).] + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF +BRITAIN. + + +[Illustration: BUST OF CAESAR.] + +From the glad whinny of the first unicorn down to the tip end of the +nineteenth century, the history of Great Britain has been dear to her +descendants in every land, 'neath every sky. + +But to write a truthful and honest history of any country the historian +should, that he may avoid overpraise and silly and mawkish sentiment, +reside in a foreign country, or be so situated that he may put on a +false moustache and get away as soon as the advance copies have been +sent to the printers. + +The writer of these pages, though of British descent, will, in what he +may say, guard carefully against permitting that fact to swerve him for +one swift moment from the right. + +England even before Christ, as now, was a sort of money centre, and +thither came the Phoenicians and the Carthaginians for their tin. + +[Illustration: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN IN BRITAIN.] + +[Illustration: CAESAR CROSSING THE CHANNEL.] + +These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from +that, they had no good points. They dwelt in mud huts thatched with +straw. They had no currency and no ventilation,--no drafts, in other +words. Their boats were made of wicker-work plastered with clay. Their +swords were made of tin alloyed with copper, and after a brief skirmish, +the entire army had to fall back and straighten its blades. + +They also had short spears made with a rawhide string attached, so that +the deadly weapon could be jerked back again. To spear an enemy with +one of these harpoons, and then, after playing him for half an hour or +so, to land him and finish him up with a tin sword, constituted one of +the most reliable boons peculiar to that strange people. + +[Illustration: CAESAR TREATING WITH THE BRITONS.] + +Caesar first came to Great Britain on account of a bilious attack. On +the way across the channel a violent storm came up. The great emperor +and pantata believed he was drowning, so that in an instant's time +everything throughout his whole lifetime recurred to him as he went +down,--especially his breakfast. + +Purchasing a four-in-hand of docked unicorns, and much improved in +health, he returned to Rome. + +Agriculture had a pretty hard start among these people, and where now +the glorious fields of splendid pale and billowy oatmeal may be seen +interspersed with every kind of domestic and imported fertilizer in +cunning little hillocks just bursting forth into fragrance by the +roadside, then the vast island was a quaking swamp or covered by +impervious forests of gigantic trees, up which with coarse and shameless +glee would scamper the nobility. + +(Excuse the rhythm into which I may now and then drop as the plot +develops.--AUTHOR.) + +Caesar later on made more invasions: one of them for the purpose of +returning his team and flogging a Druid with whom he had disagreed +religiously on a former trip. (He had also bought his team of the +Druid.) + +The Druids were the sheriffs, priests, judges, chiefs of police, +plumbers, and justices of the peace. + +[Illustration: PLOUGHING 51 B.C.] + +They practically ran the place, and no one could be a Druid who could +not pass a civil service examination. + +[Illustration: DRUID SACRIFICES.] + +They believed in human sacrifice, and often of a bright spring morning +could have been seen going out behind the bush to sacrifice some one who +disagreed with them on some religious point or other. + +The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the +winter. They worshipped almost everything that had been left out +overnight, and their motto was, "Never do anything unless you feel like +it very much indeed." + +Caesar was a broad man from a religious point of view, and favored +bringing the Druids before the grand jury. For uttering such sentiments +as these the Druids declared his life to be forfeit, and set one of +their number to settle also with him after morning services the question +as to the matter of immersion and sound money. + +Religious questions were even then as hotly discussed as in later times, +and Caesar could not enjoy society very much for five or six days. + +[Illustration: MONUMENT OF AGRICULTURE, OR ANCIENT SCARECROW.] + +At Stonehenge there are still relics of a stone temple which the Druids +used as a place of idolatrous worship and assassination. On Giblet Day +people came for many miles to see the exercises and carry home a few +cutlets of intimate friends. + +After this Rome sent over various great Federal appointees to soften and +refine the people. Among them came General Agricola with a new kind of +seed-corn and kindness in his heart. + +[Illustration: AGRICOLA ENCOURAGES AGRICULTURE.] + +He taught the barefooted Briton to go out to the pump every evening and +bathe his chapped and soil-kissed feet and wipe them on the grass before +retiring, thus introducing one of the refinements of Rome in this cold +and barbaric clime. + +Along about the beginning of the Christian "Erie," says an elderly +Englishman, the Queen Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans who +carried on there in England just as they had been in the habit of doing +at home,--cutting up like a hallowe'en party in its junior year,--that +she got her Britons together, had a steel dress made to fight in +comfortably and not tight under the arms, then she said, "Is there any +one here who hath a culverin with him?" One was soon found and fired. +This by the Romans was regarded as an opening of hostilities. Her fire +was returned with great eagerness, and victory was won in the city of +London over the Romans, who had taunted the queen several times with +being seven years behind the beginning of the Christian Era in the +matter of clothes. + +[Illustration: ROMAN COAT OF ARMS.] + +Boadicea won victories by the score, and it is said that under the besom +of her wrath seventy thousand Roman warriors kissed the dust. As she +waved her sceptre in token of victory the hat-pin came out of her crown, +and wildly throwing the "old hot thing" at the Roman general, she missed +him and unhorsed her own chaperon. + +Disgusted with war and the cooking they were having at the time, she +burst into tears just on the eve of a general victory over the Romans +and poisoned herself. + +[Illustration: DEATH OF BOADICEA.] + +N.B.--Many thanks are due to the author, Mr. A. Barber, for the use of +his works entitled "Half-Hours with Crowned Heads" and "Thoughts on +Shaving Dead People on Whom One Has Never Called," cloth, gilt top. + +I notice an error in the artist's work which will be apparent to any one +of moderate intelligence, and especially to the Englishman,--viz., that +the tin discovered by the Phoenicians is in the form of cans, etc., +formerly having contained tinned meats, fruits, etc. This book, I fear, +will be sharply criticised in England if any inaccuracy be permitted to +creep in, even through the illustrations. It is disagreeable to fall out +thus early with one's artist, but the writer knows too well, and the +sting yet burns and rankles in his soul where pierced the poisoned dart +of an English clergyman two years ago. The writer had spoken of Julius +Caesar's invasion of Britain for the purpose of replenishing the Roman +stock of umbrellas, top-coats, and "loydies," when the clergyman said, +politely but very firmly, "that England then had no top-coats or +umbrellas." The writer would not have cared, had there not been others +present. + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL +ELIMINATION. + + +Agricola no doubt made the Roman yoke easier upon the necks of the +conquered people, and suggested the rotation of crops. He also invaded +Caledonia and captured quite a number of Scotchmen, whom he took home +and domesticated. + +Afterwards, in 121 A.D., the emperor Hadrian was compelled to build a +wall to keep out the still unconquered Caledonians. This is called the +"Picts' Wall," and a portion of it still exists. Later, in 208 A.D., +Severus built a solid wall of stone along this line, and for seventy +years there was peace between the two nations. + +Towards the end of the third century Carausius, who was appointed to the +thankless task of destroying the Saxon pirates, shook off his allegiance +to the emperor Diocletian, joined the pirates and turned out Diocletian, +usurping the business management of Britain for some years. But, alas! +he was soon assassinated by one of his own officers before he could +call for help, and the assassin succeeded him. In those days +assassination and inauguration seemed to go hand-in-hand. + +[Illustration: ASSASSINATION OF CARAUSIUS.] + +After Constantius, who died 306 A.D., came Constantine the Great, his +son by a British princess. + +Under Constantine peace again reigned, but the Irish, who desired to +free Ireland even if they had to go abroad and neglect their business +for that purpose, used to invade Constantine's territory, getting him up +at all hours of the night and demanding that he should free Ireland. + +These men were then called Picts, hence the expression "picked men." +They annoyed Constantine by coming over and trying to introduce Home +Rule into the home of the total stranger. + +The Scots also made turbulent times by harassing Constantine and seeking +to introduce their ultra-religious belief at the muzzle of the crossgun. + +Trouble now came in the latter part of the fourth century A.D., caused +by the return of the regular Roman army, which went back to Rome to +defend the Imperial City from the Goths who sought to "stable their +stock in the palace of the Caesars," as the historian so tersely puts +it. + +[Illustration: THE PICTS INCULCATING HOME RULE PRINCIPLES.] + +In 418 A.D., the Roman forces came up to London for the summer, and +repelled the Scots and Picts, but soon returned to Rome, leaving the +provincial people of London with disdain. Many of the Roman officers +while in Britain had their clothes made in Rome, and some even had their +linen returned every thirty days and washed in the Tiber. + +[Illustration: IRRITABILITY OF THE BARBARIAN.] + +In 446 A.D., the Britons were extremely unhappy. "The barbarians throw +us into the sea and the sea returns us to the barbarians," they +ejaculated in their petition to the conquering Romans. But the latter +were too busy fighting the Huns to send troops, and in desperation the +Britons formed an alliance with Hengist and Horsa, two Saxon travelling +men who, in 449 A.D., landed on the island of Thanet, and thus ended the +Roman dominion over Britain. + +[Illustration: LANDING OF HENGIST AND HORSA.] + +The Saxons were at that time a coarse people. They did not allow +etiquette to interfere with their methods of taking refreshment, and, +though it pains the historian at all times to speak unkindly of his +ancestors who have now passed on to their reward, he is compelled to +admit that as a people the Saxons may be truly characterized as a great +National Appetite. + +During the palmy days when Rome superintended the collecting of customs +and regulated the formation of corporations, the mining and smelting of +iron were extensively carried on and the "walking delegate" was +invented. The accompanying illustration shows an ancient strike. + +[Illustration: DISCOMFORTS OF THE EARLY LABOR AGITATOR.] + +Rome no doubt did much for England, for at that time the Imperial City +had 384 streets, 56,567 palaces, 80 golden statues, 2785 bronze statues +of former emperors and officers, 41 theatres, 2291 prisons, and 2300 +perfumery stores. She was in the full flood of her prosperity, and had +about 4,000,000 inhabitants. + +In those days a Roman Senator could not live on less than $80,000 per +year, and Marcus Antonius, who owed $1,500,000 on his inaugural, March +15, paid it up March 17, and afterwards cleared $720,000,000. This he +did by the strictest economy, which he managed to have attended to by +the peasantry. + +Even a literary man in Rome could amass property, and Seneca died worth +$12,000,000. Those were the flush times in Rome, and England no doubt +was greatly benefited thereby; but, alas! "money matters became scarce," +and the poor Briton was forced to associate with the delirium tremens +and massive digestion of the Saxon, who floated in a vast ocean of lard +and wassail during his waking hours and slept with the cunning little +piglets at night. His earthen floors were carpeted with straw and +frescoed with bones. + +Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our ancestors, whose lives +were marked by an eternal combat between malignant alcoholism and +trichinosis. Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but +wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it. + +[Illustration: THE SAXON IDEA OF HEAVEN.] + +To drink from the skulls of their dead enemies was a part of their +religion, and there were no heretics among them.[A] + +[Footnote A: The artist has very ably shown here a devoted little band +of Saxons holding services in a basement. In referring to it as +"abasement," not the slightest idea of casting contumely or obloquy on +our ancestors is intended by the humble writer of pungent but sometimes +unpalatable truth.] + +Christianity was introduced into Britain during the second century, and +later under Diocletian the Christians were greatly persecuted. +Christianity did not come from Rome, it is said, but from Gaul. Among +the martyrs in those early days was St. Alban, who had been converted by +a fugitive priest. The story of his life and death is familiar. + +The Bible had been translated, and in 314 A.D. Britain had three +Bishops, viz., of London, Lincoln, and York. + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF +BRITAIN ON NEW LINES. + + +With the landing of Hengist and Horsa English history really begins, for +Caesar's capture of the British Isles was of slight importance viewed in +the light of fast-receding centuries. There is little to-day in the +English character to remind one of Caesar, who was a volatile and +epileptic emperor with massive and complicated features. + +The rich warm blood of the Roman does not mantle in the cheek of the +Englishman of the present century to any marked degree. The Englishman, +aping the reserve and hauteur of Boston, Massachusetts, is, in fact, the +diametrical antipode of the impulsive, warm-hearted, and garlic-imbued +Roman who revels in assassination and gold ear-bobs. + +The beautiful daughter of Hengist formed an alliance with Vortigern, the +royal foreman of Great Britain,--a plain man who was very popular in the +alcoholic set and generally subject to violent lucid intervals which +lasted until after breakfast; but the Saxons broke these up, it is said, +and Rowena encouraged him in his efforts to become his own worst enemy, +and after two or three patent-pails-full of wassail would get him to +give her another county or two, until soon the Briton saw that the Saxon +had a mortgage on the throne, and after it was too late, he said that +immigration should have been restricted. + +[Illustration: ROWENA CAPTIVATES VORTIGERN.] + +Kent became the first Saxon kingdom, and remained a powerful state for +over a century. + +More Saxons now came, and brought with them yet other Saxons with yet +more children, dogs, vodka, and thirst. The breath of a Saxon in a +cucumber-patch would make a peck of pickles per moment. + +The Angles now came also and registered at the leading hotels. They were +destined to introduce the hyphen on English soil, and plant the orchards +on whose ancestral branches should ultimately hang the Anglo-Saxon race, +the progenitors of the eminent aristocracy of America. + +Let the haughty, purse-proud American--in whose warm life current one +may trace the unmistakable strains of bichloride of gold and +trichinae--pause for one moment to gaze at the coarse features and +bloodshot eyes of his ancestors, who sat up at nights drenching their +souls in a style of nepenthe that it is said would remove moths, tan, +freckles, and political disabilities. + +[Illustration: ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT, PROCLAIMED "BRETWALDA."] + +The seven states known as the Saxon Heptarchy were formed in the sixth +and seventh centuries, and the rulers of these states were called +"Bretwaldas," or Britain-wielders. Ethelbert, King of Kent, was +Bretwalda for fifty years, and liked it first-rate. + +[Illustration: AUGUSTINE KINDLY RECEIVED BY ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT.] + +A very good picture is given here showing the coronation of Ethelbert, +copied from an old tin-type now in the possession of an aged and +somewhat childish family in Philadelphia who descended from Ethelbert +and have made no effort to conceal it. + +Here also the artist has shown us a graphic picture of Ethelbert +supported by his celebrated ingrowing moustache receiving Augustine. +They both seem pleased to form each other's acquaintance, and the +greeting is a specially appetizing one to the true lover of Art for +Art's sake. + +For over one hundred and fifty years the British made a stubborn +resistance to the encroachments of these coarse people, but it was +ineffectual. Their prowess, along with a massive appetite and other hand +baggage, soon overran the land of Albion. Everywhere the rude warriors +of northern Europe wiped the dressing from their coarse red whiskers on +the snowy table-cloth of the Briton. + +[Illustration: THEY WIPED THEIR COARSE RED WHISKERS ON THE SNOWY +TABLE-CLOTH.] + +In West Wales, or Dumnonia, was the home of King Arthur, so justly +celebrated in song and story. Arthur was more interesting to the poet +than the historian, and probably as a champion of human rights and a +higher civilization should stand in that great galaxy occupied by Santa +Claus and Jack the Giant-Killer. + +The Danes or Jutes joined the Angles also at this time, and with the +Saxons spread terror, anarchy, and common drunks all over Albion. Those +who still claim that the Angles were right Angles are certainly +ignorant of English history. They were obtuse Angles, and when bedtime +came and they tried to walk a crack, the historian, in a spirit of +mischief, exclaims that they were mostly a pack of Isosceles Try Angles, +but this doubtless is mere badinage. + +They were all savages, and their religion was entirely unfit for +publication. Socially they were coarse and repulsive. Slaves did the +housework, and serfs each morning changed the straw bedding of the lord +and drove the pigs out of the boudoir. The pig was the great social +middle class between the serf and the nobility: for the serf slept with +the pig by day, and the pig slept with the nobility at night. + +And yet they were courageous to a degree (the Saxons, not the pigs). +They were fearless navigators and reckless warriors. Armed with their +rude meat-axes and one or two Excalibars, they would take something in +the way of a tonic and march right up to the mouth of the great Thomas +catapult, or fall in the moat with a courage that knew not, recked not +of danger. + +Christianity was first preached in Great Britain in 597 A.D., at the +suggestion of Gregory, afterwards Pope, who by chance saw some Anglican +youths exposed for sale in Rome. They were fine-looking fellows, and the +good man pitied their benighted land. Thus the Roman religion was +introduced into England, and was first to turn the savage heart towards +God. + +[Illustration: EGBERT GAINS A GREAT VICTORY OVER THE FRENCH INVADERS.] + +Augustine was very kindly received by Ethelbert, and invited up to the +house. Augustine met with great success, for the king experienced +religion and was baptized, after which many of his subjects repented and +accepted salvation on learning that it was free. As many as ten thousand +in one day were converted, and Augustine was made Archbishop of +Canterbury. On a small island in the Thames he built a church dedicated +to St. Peter, where now is Westminster Abbey, a prosperous sanctuary +entirely out of debt. + +The history of the Heptarchy is one of murder, arson, rapine, assault +and battery, breach of the peace, petty larceny, and the embezzlement of +the enemy's wife. + +In 827, Egbert, King of Wessex and Duke of Shandygaff, conquered all his +foes and became absolute ruler of England (Land of the Angles). Taking +charge of this angular kingdom, he established thus the mighty country +which now rules the world in some respects, and which is so greatly +improved socially since those days. + +Two distinguished scholars flourished in the eighth century, Bede and +Alcuin. They at once attracted attention by being able to read coarse +print at sight. Bede wrote the Ecclesiastical History of the Angles. It +is out of print now. Alcuin was a native of York, and with the aid of a +lump of chalk and the side of a vacant barn could figure up things and +add like everything. Students flocked to him from all over the country, +and matriculated by the dozen. If he took a fancy to a student, he would +take him away privately and show him how to read. + +The first literary man of note was a monk of Whitby named Caedmon, who +wrote poems on biblical subjects when he did not have to monk. His works +were greatly like those of Milton, and especially like "Paradise Lost," +it is said. + +Gildas was the first historian of Britain, and the scathing remarks +made about his fellow-countrymen have never been approached by the most +merciless of modern historians. + +The book was highly interesting, and it is a wonder that some +enterprising American publisher has not appropriated it, as the author +is now extremely dead. + +[Illustration: A DISCIPLE OF THE LIQUID RELIGION PRACTISED BY THE +SAXON.] + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +THE INFLUX OF THE DANES: FACTS SHOWING CONCLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON +THE BRITON OF TO-DAY. + + +And now, having led the eager student up to the year 827 A.D., let us +take him forward from the foundation of the English monarchy to the days +of William the Conqueror, 1066. + +Egbert, one of the kings of Wessex, reigned practically over Roman +Britain when the country was invaded by the Northmen (Swedes, +Norwegians, and Danes), who treated the Anglo-Saxon as the Anglo-Saxon +had formerly treated the poor Briton. + +These Northmen were rather coarse people, and even put the Anglo-Saxons +to the blush sometimes. They exercised vigorously, and thus their +appetites were sharp enough to cut a hair. They at first came in the +capacity of pirates,--sliding stealthily into isolated coast settlements +on Saturday evening and eating up the Sunday victuals, capturing the +girls of the Bible-class and sailing away. But later they came as +conquerors, and boarded with the peasantry permanently. + +Egbert formed an alliance with his old enemies, the Welsh, and gained a +great victory over the Northmen; but when he died and left Ethelwolf, +his son, in charge of the throne, he made a great mistake. Ethelwolf was +a poor king, "being given more to religious exercises than reigning," +says the historian. He would often exhibit his piety in order to draw +attention away from His Royal Incompetency. He was not the first or last +to smother the call to duty under the cry of Hallelujah. Like the little +steamer engine with the big whistle, when he whistled the boat stopped. +He did not have a boiler big enough to push the great ship of state and +shout Amen at the same time. + +Ethelwolf defeated the enemy in one great battle, but too late to +prevent a hold-up upon the island of Thanet, and afterwards at Shippey, +near London, where the enemy settled himself. + +Yet Ethelwolf made a pilgrimage to Rome with Alfred, then six years old +(A.D. 855). He was gone a year, during which time very little reigning +was done at home, and the Northmen kept making treaties and coming over +in larger droves. + +Ethelwolf visited Charles the Bald of France at this time, and married +his daughter Judith incidentally. Ethelwolf's eldest son died during the +king's absence, and was succeeded as eldest son by Ethelbald +(heir-apparent, though he had no hair apparent), who did not recognize +the old gentleman or allow him to be seated on his own throne when he +came back; but Ethelwolf gave the naughty Ethelbald the western half of +the kingdom rather than have trouble. But Baldy died, and was succeeded +by Ethelbert, who died six years later, and Ethelred, in 866, took +charge till 871, when he died of a wound received in battle and closed +out the Ethel business to Alfred. + +The Danes had meantime rifled the country with their cross-guns and +killed Edmund, the good king of East Anglia, who was afterwards +canonized, though gunpowder had not then been invented. + +Alfred was not only a godly king, but had a good education, and was a +great admirer of Dickens and Thackeray. (This is put in as a titbit for +the critic.) + +He preferred literature to the plaudits of the nobility and the +sedentary life on a big white-oak throne. On the night before his +coronation his pillow was wet with tears. + +And in the midst of it all here came the Danes wearing heavy woollen +clothes and introducing their justly celebrated style of honest sweat. + +Alfred fought as many as eight battles with them in one year. They +agreed at last to accept such portions of the country as were assigned +them, but they were never known to abide by any treaty, and they put +the red man of America to shame as prevaricators. + +Thus, by 878, the wretched Saxons were at their wit's end, and have +never been able to take a joke since at less than thirty days. + +Some fled to Wales and perished miserably trying to pronounce the names +of their new post-office addresses. + +[Illustration: ALFRED, DISGUISED AS A GLEEMAN, IS INTRODUCED TO +GUTHRUN.] + +Here Alfred's true greatness stood him in good stead. He secured a +number of reliable retainers and camped in the swamps of Somersetshire, +where he made his head-quarters on account of its inaccessibility, and +then he made raids on the Danes. Of course he had to live roughly, and +must deny himself his upright piano for his country's good. + +In order to obtain a more thorough knowledge of the Danes and their +number, he disguised himself as a harper, or portable orchestra, and +visited the Danish camp, where he was introduced to Guthrun and was +invited to a banquet, where he told several new anecdotes, and spoke in +such a humorous way that the army was sorry to see him go away, and +still sorrier when, a few days later, armed _cap-a-pie_, he mopped up +the greensward with his enemy and secured the best of terms from him. + +While _incog._, Alfred stopped at a hut, where he was asked to turn the +pancakes as they required it; but in the absence of the hostess he got +to thinking of esoteric subjects, or something profound, and allowed the +cakes to burn. The housewife returned in time to express her sentiments +and a large box to his address as shown in the picture. + +[Illustration: ALFRED LETTING THE CAKES BURN.] + +He now converted Guthrun and had him immersed, which took first-rate, +and other Danes got immersed. Thus the national antagonism to water was +overcome, and to-day the English who are descended from the Danes are +not appalled at the sight of water. + +As a result of Guthrun's conversion, the Danes agreed to a permanent +settlement along the exposed portion of Great Britain, by which they +became unconsciously a living rampart between the Saxons and other +incursionists. + +Now peace began to reign up to 893, and Alfred improved the time by +rebuilding the desolated cities,--London especially, which had become a +sight to behold. A new stock-law, requiring the peasantry to shut up +their unicorns during certain seasons of the year and keep them out of +the crops, also protecting them from sportsmen while shedding their +horns in spring, or moulting, it is said, was passed, but the English +historians are such great jokers that the writer has had much difficulty +in culling the facts and eliminating the persiflage from these writings. + +Alfred the Great only survived his last victory over the Danes, at Kent, +a few years, when he died greatly lamented. He was a brave soldier, a +successful all-around monarch, and a progressive citizen in an age of +beastly ignorance, crime, superstition, self-indulgence, and pathetic +stupidity. + +[Illustration: ALFRED ESTABLISHED SCHOOLS.] + +He translated several books for the people, established or repaired the +University of Oxford, and originated the idea, adopted by the Japanese a +thousand years later, of borrowing the scholars of other nations, and +cheerfully adopting the improvements of other countries, instead of +following the hide-bound and stupid conservatism and ignorance +bequeathed by father to son, as a result of blind and offensive pride, +which is sometimes called patriotism. + +[Illustration: KING ALFRED TRANSLATED SEVERAL BOOKS.] + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO +TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT. + + +The Ethels now made an effort to regain the throne from Edward the +Elder. Ethelwold, a nephew of Edward, united the Danes under his own +banner, and relations were strained between the leaders until 905, when +Ethelwold was slain. Even then the restless Danes and frontier settlers +were a source of annoyance until about 925, when Edward died; but at his +death he was the undisputed king of all Britain, and all the various +sub-monarchs and associate rulers gave up their claims to him. He was +assisted in his affairs of state by his widowed sister, Ethelfleda. +Edward the Elder had his father's ability as a ruler, but was not so +great as a scholar or _littérateur_. He had not the unfaltering devotion +to study nor the earnest methods which made Alfred great. Alfred not +only divided up his time into eight-hour shifts,--one for rest, meals, +and recreation, one for the affairs of state, and one for study and +devotion,--but he invented the candle with a scale on it as a +time-piece, and many a subject came to the throne at regular periods to +set his candle by the royal lights. + +[Illustration: CAME TO THE THRONE AT REGULAR PERIODS TO SET THEIR +CANDLES BY THE ROYAL LIGHT.] + +Think of those days when the Sergeant-at-Arms of Congress could not turn +back the clock in order to assist an appropriation at the close of the +session, but when the light went out the session closed. + +Athelstan succeeded his father, Edward the Presiding Elder, and +resembled him a good deal by defeating the Welsh, Scots, and Danes. In +those days agriculture, trade, and manufacturing were diversions during +the summer months; but the regular business of life was warfare with the +Danes, Scots, and Welsh. + +These foes of England could live easily for years on oatmeal, sour milk, +and cod's heads, while the fighting clothes of a whole regiment would +have been a scant wardrobe for the Greek Slave, and after two centuries +of almost uninterrupted carnage their war debt was only a trifle over +eight dollars. + +Edmund, the brother of Ethelstan, at the age of eighteen, succeeded his +brother on the throne. + +One evening, while a little hilarity was going on in the royal +apartments, Edmund noticed among the guests a robber named Leolf, who +had not been invited. Probably he was a pickpocket; and as a royal +robber hated anybody who dropped below grand larceny, the king ordered +his retainers to put him out. + +But the retainers shrank from the undertaking, therefore Edmund sprang +from the throne like a tiger and buried his talons in the robber's +tresses. There was a mixture of feet, legs, teeth, and features for a +moment, and when peace was restored King Edmund had a watch-pocket full +of blood, and the robber chieftain was wiping his stabber on one of the +royal tidies. + +[Illustration: EDMUND THROWING LEOLF OUT.] + +Edred now succeeded the deceased Edmund, his brother, and with a heavy +heart took up the eternal job of fighting the Danes. Edred set up a +sort of provincial government over Northumberland, the refractory +district, and sent a governor and garrison there to see that the Danes +paid attention to what he said. St. Dunstan had considerable influence +over Edred, and was promoted a great deal by the king, who died in the +year 955. + +He was succeeded by Edwy the Fair, who was opposed by another Ethel. +Between the Ethels and the Welsh and Danes, there was little time left +in England for golf or high tea, and Edwy's reign was short and full of +trouble. + +He had trouble with St. Dunstan, charging him with the embezzlement of +church funds, and compelled him to leave the country. This was in +retaliation for St. Dunstan's overbearing order to the king. One +evening, when a banquet was given him in honor of his coronation, the +king excused himself when the speeches got rather corky, and went into +the sitting-room to have a chat with his wife, Elgiva, of whom he was +very fond, and her mother. St. Dunstan, who had still to make a speech +on Foreign Missions with a yard or so of statistics, insisted on Edwy's +return. An open outbreak was the result. The Church fell upon the King +with a loud, annual report, and when the débris was cleared away, a +little round-shouldered grave in the churchyard held all that was +mortal of the king. His wife was cruelly and fatally assassinated, and +Edgar, his brother, began to reign. This was in the year 959, and in +what is now called the Middle Ages. + +Edgar was called the Pacific. He paid off the church debt, made Dunstan +Archbishop of Canterbury, helped reform the church, and, though but +sixteen years of age when he removed all explosives from the throne and +seated himself there, he showed that he had a massive scope, and his +subjects looked forward to much anticipation. + +He sailed around the island every year to show the Danes how prosperous +he was, and made speeches which displayed his education. + +His coronation took place thirteen years after his accession to the +throne, owing to the fact, as given out by some of the more modern +historians, that the crown was at Mr. Isaac Inestein's all this time, +whereas the throne, which was bought on the instalment plan, had been +redeemed. + +Pictures of the crown worn by Edgar will convince the reader that its +redemption was no slight task, while the mortgage on the throne was a +mere bagatelle. + +[Illustration: EDGAR SURMOUNTED BY HIS CROWN.] + +[Illustration: EDGAR CAUSES HIS BARGE TO BE ROWED BY EIGHT KINGS.] + +A bright idea of Edgar's was to ride in a row-boat pulled by eight kings +under the old _régime_. + +Personally, Edgar was reputed to be exceedingly licentious; but the +historian wisely says these stories may have been the invention of his +enemies. Greatness is certain to make of itself a target for the mud of +its own generation, and no one who rose above the level of his +surroundings ever failed to receive the fragrant attentions of those who +had not succeeded in rising. All history is fraught also with the +bitterness and jealousy of the historian except this one. No bitterness +can creep into this history. + +Edgar, it is said, assassinated the husband of Elfrida in order that he +might marry her. It is also said that he broke into a convent and +carried off a nun; but doubtless if these stories were traced to their +very foundations, politics would account for them both. + +He did not favor the secular clergy, and they, of course, disliked him +accordingly. He suffered also at the hands of those who sought to +operate the reigning apparatus whilst his attention was turned towards +other matters. + +He was the author of the scheme whereby he utilized his enemies, the +Welsh princes, by demanding three hundred wolf heads per annum as +tribute instead of money. This wiped out the wolves and used up the +surplus animosity of the Welsh. + +As the Welsh princes had no money, the scheme was a good one. Edgar died +at the age of thirty-two, and was succeeded by Edward, his son, in 975. + +The death of the king at this early age has given to many historians the +idea that he was a sad dog, and that he sat up late of nights and cut up +like everything, but this may not be true. Death often takes the good, +the true, and the beautiful whilst young. + +However, Edgar's reign was a brilliant one for an Anglo-Saxon, and his +coon-skin cap is said to have cost over a pound sterling. + +[Illustration: EDGAR THE PACIFIC.] + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING CHRONIC USURPATION +PROCLIVITIES. + + +Edgar was succeeded by his son Edward, called "the Martyr," who ascended +the throne at the age of fifteen years. His step-mother, Elfrida, +opposed him, and favored her own son, Ethelred. Edward was assassinated +in 978, at the instigation of his step-mother, and that's what's the +martyr with him. + +During his reign there was a good deal of ill feeling, and Edward would +no doubt have been deposed but for the influence of the church under +Dunstan. + +Ethelred was but ten years old when he began reigning. Sadly poor +Dunstan crowned him, his own eyes still wet with sorrow over the cruel +death of Edward. He foretold that Ethelred would have a stormy reign, +with sleet and variable winds, changing to snow. + +During the remainder of the great prelate's life he, as it were, stood +between the usurper and the people, and protected them from the +threatening storm. + +But in 991, shortly after the death of Dunstan, a great army of +Norwegians came over to England for purposes of pillage. To say that it +was an allopathic pillage would not be an extravagant statement. They +were extremely rude people, like all the nations of northern Europe at +that time,--Rome being the Boston of the Old World, and Copenhagen the +Fort Dodge of that period. + +The Norwegians ate everything that did not belong to the mineral +kingdom, and left the green fields of merry England looking like a +base-ball ground. So wicked and warlike were they that the sad and +defeated country was obliged to give the conquering Norske ten thousand +pounds of silver. + +Dunstan died at the age of sixty-three, and years afterwards was +canonized; but firearms had not been invented at the time of his death. +He led the civilization and progress of England, and was a pioneer in +cherishing the fine arts. + +Olaf, who led the Norwegians against England, afterwards became king of +Norway, and with the Danes used to ever and anon sack Great +Britain,--_i.e._, eat everybody out of house and home, and then ask for +a sack of silver as the price of peace. + +Ethelred was a cowardly king, who liked to wear the implements of war on +holidays, and learn to crochet and tat in time of war. He gave these +invaders ten thousand pounds of silver at the first, sixteen thousand +at the second, and twenty-four thousand on the third trip, in order to +buy peace. + +Olaf afterwards, however, embraced Christianity and gave up fighting as +a business, leaving the ring entirely to Sweyn, his former partner from +Denmark, who continued to do business as before. + +The historian says that the invasion of England by the Norwegians and +Danes was fully equal to the assassination, arson, and rapine of the +Indians of North America. A king who would permit such cruel cuttings-up +as these wicked animals were guilty of on the fair face of old England, +should live in history only as an invertebrate, a royal failure, a +decayed mollusk, and the dropsical head of a tottering dynasty. + +In order to strengthen his feeble forces, Ethelred allied himself, in +1001, to Richard II., Duke of Normandy, and married his daughter Emma, +but the Danes continued to make night hideous and elope with ladies whom +they had never met before. It was a sad time in the history of England, +and poor Emma wept many a hot and bitter tear as she yielded one jewel +after another to the pawnbroker in order to buy off the coarse and +hateful Danes. + +If Ethelred were to know how he is regarded by the historian who pens +these lines, he would kick the foot-board out of his casket, and bite +himself severely in four places. + +To add to his foul history, happening to have a few inoffensive Danes on +hand, on the 13th of November, the festival of St. Brice, 1002, he gave +it out that he would massacre these people, among them the sister of the +Danish king, a noble woman who had become a Christian (only it is to be +hoped a better one), and married an English earl. He had them all +butchered. + +[Illustration: ETHELRED WEDS EMMA.] + +In 1003, Sweyn, with revenge in his heart, began a war of extermination +or subjugation, and never yielded till he was, in fact, king of England, +while the royal intellectual polyp, known as Ethelred the Unwholesome, +fled to Normandy, in the 1013th year Anno Domini. + +But in less than six weeks the Danish king died, leaving the sceptre, +with the price-mark still upon it, to Canute, his son, and Ethelred was +invited back, with an understanding that he should not abuse his +privileges as king, and that, although it was a life job during good +behavior, the privilege of beheading him from time to time was and is +vested in the people; and even to-day there is not a crowned head on the +continent of Europe that does not recognize this great truth,--viz., +that God alone, speaking through the united voices of the common people, +declares the rulings of the Supreme Court of the Universe. + +On the old autograph albums of the world is still written in the dark +corners of empires, "_the king can do no wrong_." But where education is +not repressed, and where that Christianity which is built on love and +charity is taught, there can be but one King who does no wrong. + +Ethelred was succeeded by Edmund, called "the Ironside." He fought +bravely, and drove the Danes, under Canute, back to their own shores. +But they got restless in Denmark, where there was very little going on, +and returned to England in large numbers. + +Ethelred died in London, 1016 A.D., before Canute reached him. He was +called by Dunstan "Ethelred the Unready," and had a faculty for erring +more promptly than any previous king. + +Having returned cheerily from Ethelred's rather tardy funeral, the +people took oath, some of them under Edmund and some under Canute. + +Edmund, after five pitched battles, offered to stay bloodshed by +personally fighting Canute at any place where they could avoid police +interference, but Canute declined, on what grounds it is not stated, +though possibly on the Polo grounds. + +[Illustration: SONS OF EDMUND SENT TO OLAF.] + +A compromise was agreed to in 1016, by which Edmund reigned over the +region south of the Thames; but very shortly afterwards he was murdered +at the instigation of Edric, a traitor, who was the Judas Iscariot of +his time. + +Canute, or "Knut," now became the first Danish king of England. Having +appointed three sub-kings, and taken charge himself of Wessex, Canute +sent the two sons of Edmund to Olaf, requesting him to put them to +death; but Olaf, the king of Sweden, had scruples, and instead of doing +so sent the boys to Hungary, where they were educated. Edward afterwards +married a daughter of the Emperor Henry II. + +Canute as king was, after he got the hang of it, a great success, giving +to the harassed people more comfort than they had experienced since the +death of Alfred, who was thoroughly gifted as a sovereign. + +He had to raise heavy taxes in order to 'squire himself with the Danish +leaders at first, but finally began to harmonize the warring elements, +and prosperity followed. He was fond of old ballads, and encouraged the +wandering minstrels, who entertained the king with topical songs till a +late hour. Symposiums and after-dinner speaking were thus inaugurated, +and another era of good feeling began about half-past eleven o'clock +each evening. + +[Illustration: THE SEA "GOES BACK" ON CANUTE.] + +Queen Emma, the widow of Ethelred, now began to set her cap for Canute, +and thus it happened that her sons again became the heirs to the throne +at her marriage, A.D. 1017. + +Canute now became a good king. He built churches and monasteries, and +even went on a pilgrimage to Rome, which in those days was almost +certain to win public endorsement. + +Disgusted with the flattering of his courtiers, one day as he strolled +along the shore he caused his chair to be placed at the margin of the +approaching tide, and as the water crept up into his lap, he showed them +how weak must be a mortal king in the presence of Omnipotence. He was a +humble and righteous king, and proved by his example that after all the +greatest of earthly rulers is only the most obedient servant. + +He was even then the sovereign of England, Norway, and Denmark. In 1031 +he had some trouble with Malcolm, King of Scotland, but subdued him +promptly, and died in 1035, leaving Hardicanute, the son of Emma, and +Sweyn and Harold, his sons by a former wife. + +Harold succeeded to the English throne, Sweyn to that of Norway, and +Hardicanute to the throne of Denmark. + +In the following chapter a few well-chosen remarks will be made +regarding Harold and other kings. + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS: FOREIGN FOIBLES INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE +EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY. + + +Let us now look for a moment into the reigns of Harold I. and +Hardicanute, a pair of unpopular reigns, which, although brief, were yet +long enough. + +Queen Emma, of course, desired the coronation of Hardicanute, but, +though supported by Earl Godwin, a man of great influence and educated +to a high degree for his time, able indeed, it is said, at a moment's +notice, to add up things and reduce things to a common denominator, it +could not be. + +Harold, the compromise candidate, reigned from 1037 to 1040. He gained +Godwin to his side, and together they lured the sons of Emma by +Ethelred--viz., Alfred and Edward--to town, and, as a sort of royal +practical joke, put out Alfred's eyes, causing his death. + +Harold was a swift sprinter, and was called "Harefoot" by those who were +intimate enough to exchange calls and coarse anecdotes with him. + +He died in 1040 A.D., and nobody ever had a more general approval for +doing so than Harold. + +Hardicanute now came forth from his apartments, and was received as king +with every demonstration of joy, and for some weeks he and dyspepsia had +it all their own way on Piccadilly. (Report says that he drank! Several +times while under the influence of liquor he abdicated the throne with a +dull thud, but was reinstated by the Police.) + +[Illustration: "KING HAROLD IS DEAD, SIRE."] + +Enraged by the death of Alfred, the king had the remains of Harold +exhumed and thrown into a fen. This a-fensive act showed what a great +big broad nature Hardicanute had,--also the kind of timber used in +making a king in those days. + +Godwin, however, seems to have been a good political acrobat, and was on +more sides of more questions than anybody else of those times. Though +connected with the White-Cap affair by which Alfred lost his eyesight +and his life, he proved an alibi, or spasmodic paresis, or something, +and, having stood a compurgation and "ordeal" trial, was released. The +historian very truly but inelegantly says, if memory serves the writer +accurately, that Godwin was such a political straddle-bug that he early +abandoned the use of pantaloons and returned to the toga, which was the +only garment able to stand the strain of his political cuttings-up. + +The _Shire Mote_, or county court of those days, was composed of a dozen +thanes, or cheap nobles, who had to swear that they had not read the +papers, and had not formed or expressed an opinion, and that their minds +were in a state of complete vacancy. It was a sort of primary jury, and +each could point with pride to the vast collection he had made of things +he did not know, and had not formed or expressed an opinion about. + +[Illustration: "ORDEAL" OF JUSTICE.] + +If one did not like the verdict of this court, he could appeal to the +king on a _certiorari_ or some such thing as that. The accused could +clear himself by his own oath and that of others, but without these he +had to stand what was called the "ordeal," which consisted in walking on +hot ploughshares without expressing a derogatory opinion regarding the +ploughshares or showing contempt of court. Sometimes the accused had to +run his arm into boiling water. If after three days the injury had +disappeared, the defendant was discharged and costs taxed against the +king. + +[Illustration: DYING BETWEEN COURSES.] + +Hardicanute only reigned two years, and in 1042 A.D. died at a nuptial +banquet, and cast a gloom over the whole thing. In those times it was a +common thing for the king or some of the nobility to die between the +roast pig and the pork pie. It was not unusual to see each noble with a +roast pig _tête-à -tête_,--each confronting the other, the living and the +dead. + +At this time, it is said by the old settlers that hog cholera thinned +out the nobility a good deal, whether directly or indirectly they do not +say. + +The English had now wearied of the Danish yoke. "Why wear the Danish +yoke," they asked, "and be ruled with a rod of iron?" + +Edward, half brother of Edmund Ironside, was therefore nominated and +chosen king. Godwin, who seemed to be specially gifted as a versatile +connoisseur of "crow,"[A] turned up as his political adviser. + +[Footnote A: "Eating crow" is an expression common in modern American +politics to signify a reluctant acknowledgement of humiliating +defeat--HISTORIAN.] + +Edward, afterwards called "the Confessor," at once stripped Queen Emma +of all her means, for he had no love left for her, as she had failed +repeatedly to assist him when he was an outcast, and afterwards the new +king placed her in jail (or gaol, rather) at Winchester. This should +teach mothers to be more obedient, or they will surely come to some bad +end. + +Edward was educated in Normandy, and so was quite partial to the +Normans. He appointed many of them to important positions in both church +and state. Even the See of Canterbury was given to a Norman. The See +saw how it was going, no doubt, and accepted the position. But let us +pass on rapidly to something else, for thereby variety may be given to +these pages, and as one fact seems to call for another, truth, which for +the time being may be apparently crushed to earth, may rise again. + +[Illustration: EDWARD STRIPS EMMA OF HER MEANS.] + +Godwin disliked the introduction of the Norman tongue and Norman customs +in England, and when Eustace, Count of Boulogne and author of the +sausage which bears his name, committed an act of violence against the +people of Dover, they arose as one man, drove out the foreigners, and +fumigated the town as well as the ferry running to Calais. + +This caused trouble between Edward and Godwin, which led to the +deposition of the latter, who, with his sons, was compelled to flee. But +later he returned, and his popularity in England among the home people +compelled the king to reëstablish him. + +[Illustration: GODWIN AND HIS SONS FLYING FROM ENGLAND.] + +Soon afterwards Godwin died, and Harold, his son, succeeded him +successfully. Godwin was an able man, and got several earldoms for his +wife and relatives at a time when that was just what they needed. An +earldom then was not a mere empty title with nothing in it but a blue +sash and a scorbutic temperament, but it gave almost absolute authority +over one or more shires, and was also a good piece of property. These +historical facts took place in or about the year 1054 A.D. + +Edward having no children, together with a sort of misgiving about ever +having any to speak of, called home Edward "the Outlaw," son of Edmund +Ironside, to succeed to the throne; but scarcely had he reached the +shores of England when he died, leaving a son, Edgar. + +William of Normandy, a cousin of the king, now appears on the scene. He +claimed to be entitled to the first crack at the throne, and that the +king had promised to bequeath it to him. He even lured Harold, the heir +apparently, to Normandy, and while under the influence of stimulants +compelled Harold to swear that he would sustain William's claim to the +throne. The wily William also inserted some holy relics of great potency +under the altar used for swearing purposes, but Harold recovered when he +got out again into the fresh air, and snapped his fingers at William and +his relics. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM COMPELLING HAROLD TO SWEAR.] + +January 5, 1066, Edward died, and was buried in Westminster Abbey, +which had just been enclosed and the roof put on. + +Harold, who had practised a little while as earl, and so felt that he +could reign easily by beginning moderately and only reigning forenoons, +ascended the throne. + +Edward the Confessor was a good, durable monarch, but not brilliant. He +was the first to let people touch him on Tuesdays and Fridays for +scrofula, or "king's evil." He also made a set of laws that were an +improvement on some of the old ones. He was canonized about a century +after his death by the Pope, but as to whether it "took" or not the +historian seems strangely dumb. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM OF NORMANDY LEARNS THAT HAROLD IS ELECTED KING.] + +He was the last of the royal Saxon line; but other self-made Saxons +reigned after him in torrents. + +Edgar Atheling, son of Edward the Outlaw, was the only surviving male of +the royal line, but he was not old enough to succeed to the throne, and +Harold II. accepted the portfolio. He was crowned at Westminster on the +day of King Edward's burial. This infuriated William of Normandy, who +reminded Harold of his first-degree oath, and his pledge that he would +keep it "or have his salary cut from year to year." + +Oh, how irritated William was! He got down his gun, and bade the other +Normans who desired an outing to do the same. + +Trouble also arose with Tostig, the king's brother, and his Norwegian +ally, Hardrada, but the king defeated the allied forces at Stamford +Bridge, near York, where both of these misguided leaders bit the dust. +Previous to the battle there was a brief parley, and the king told +Tostig the best he could do with him. "And what can you give my ally, +Hardrada?" queried the astute Tostig. "Seven feet of English ground," +answered the king, roguishly, "or possibly more, as Hardrada is rather +taller than the average," or words to that effect. "Then let the fight +go on," answered Tostig, taking a couple of hard-boiled eggs from his +pocket and cracking them on the pommel of his saddle, for he had not +eaten anything but a broiled shote since breakfast. + +That night both he and Hardrada occupied a double grave on the +right-hand side of the road leading to York. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND +IMPLACABLE DISCORD. + + +[Illustration: WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +The Norman invasion was one of the most unpleasant features of this +period. Harold had violated his oath to William, and many of his +superstitious followers feared to assist him on that account. His +brother advised him to wait a few years and permit the invader to die of +exposure. Thus, excommunicated by the Pope and not feeling very well +anyway, Harold went into the battle of Hastings, October 14, 1066. For +nine hours they fought, the English using their celebrated squirt-guns +filled with hot water and other fixed ammunition. Finally Harold, while +straightening his sword across his knee, got an arrow in the eye, and +abandoned the fight in order to investigate the surprises of a future +state. + +In this battle the contusions alone amounted to over ninety-seven, to +say nothing of fractures, concussions, and abrasions. + +Among other casualties, the nobility of the South of England was killed. + +Harold's body was buried by the sea-shore, but many years afterwards +disinterred, and, all signs of vitality having disappeared, he was +buried again in the church he had founded at Waltham. + +The Anglo-Saxons thus yielded to the Normans the government of England. + +In these days the common people were called churls, or anything else +that happened to occur to the irritable and quick-witted nobility. The +rich lived in great magnificence, with rushes on the floor, which were +changed every few weeks. Beautiful tapestry--similar to the rag-carpet +of America--adorned the walls and prevented ventilation. + +Glass had been successfully made in France and introduced into England. +A pane of glass indicated the abode of wealth, and a churl cleaning the +window with alcohol by breathing heavily upon it, was a sign that Sir +Reginald de Pamp, the pampered child of fortune, dwelt there. + +To twang the lyre from time to time, or knock a few mellow plunks out of +the harp, was regarded with much favor by the Anglo-Saxons, who were +much given to feasting and merriment. In those pioneer times the "small +and early" had not yet been introduced, but "the drunk and disorderly" +was regarded with much favor. + +Free coinage was now discussed, and mints established. Wool was the +principal export, and fine cloths were taken in exchange from the +Continent. Women spun for their own households, and the term spinster +was introduced. + +The monasteries carefully concealed everything in the way of education, +and even the nobility could not have stood a civil service examination. + +The clergy were skilled in music, painting, and sculpture, and loved to +paint on china, or do sign-work and carriage painting for the nobility. +St. Dunstan was quite an artist, and painted portraits which even now +remind one strangely of human beings. + +[Illustration: ST. DUNSTAN WAS NOTED FOR THIS KIND OF THING.] + +Edgar Atheling, the legal successor of Harold, saw at a glance that +William the Conqueror had come to stay, and so he yielded to the +Norman, as shown in the accompanying steel engraving copied from a piece +of tapestry now in possession of the author, and which descended to him, +through no fault of his own, from the Normans, who for years ruled +England with great skill, and from whose loins he sprang. + +[Illustration: EDGAR ATHELING AND THE NOBILITY OFFER SUBMISSION TO +WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +William was crowned on Christmas Day at Westminster Abbey as the new +sovereign. It was more difficult to change a sovereign in those days +than at present, but that is neither here nor there. + +The people were so glad over the coronation that they overdid it, and +their ghoulish glee alarmed the regular Norman army, the impression +getting out that the Anglo-Saxons were rebellious, when as a matter of +fact they were merely exhilarated, having tanked too often with the +tankard. + +William the Conqueror now disarmed the city of London, and tipping a +number of the nobles, got them to wait on him. He rewarded his Norman +followers, however, with the contraband estates of the conquered, and +thus kept up his conking for years after peace had been declared. + +But the people did not forget that they were there first, and so, while +William was in Normandy, in the year 1067 A.D., hostilities broke out. +People who had been foreclosed and ejected from their lands united to +shoot the Norman usurper, and it was not uncommon for a Norman, while +busy usurping, to receive an arrow in some vital place, and have to give +up sedentary pursuits, perhaps, for weeks afterwards. + +[Illustration: SAXONS INTRODUCING THE YOKE IN SCOTLAND.] + +In 1068 A.D., Edgar Atheling, Sweyn of Denmark, Malcolm of Scotland, and +the sons of Harold banded together to drive out the Norman. Malcolm was +a brave man, and had, it is said, captured so many Anglo-Saxons and +brought them back to Scotland, that they had a very refining influence +on that country, introducing the study of the yoke among other things +with moderate success. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM WAS FOND OF HUNTING.] + +William hastily returned from Normandy, and made short work of the +rebellion. The following year another outbreak occurring in +Northumberland, William mischievously laid waste sixty miles of fertile +country, and wilfully slaughtered one hundred thousand people,--men, +women, and children. And yet we have among us those who point with pride +to their Norman lineage when they ought to be at work supporting their +families. + +In 1070 the Archbishop of Canterbury was degraded from his position, and +a Milanese monk on his Milan knees succeeded him. The Saxons became +serfs, and the Normans used the school tax to build large, repulsive +castles in which to woo the handcuffed Anglo-Saxon maiden at their +leisure. An Anglo-Saxon maiden without a rope ladder in the pocket of +her basque was a rare sight. Many very thrilling stories are written of +those days, and bring a good price. + +William was passionately fond of hunting, and the penalty for killing a +deer or boar without authority was greater than for killing a human +being out of season. + +In order to erect a new forest, he devastated thirty miles of farming +country, and drove the people, homeless and foodless, to the swamps. He +also introduced the curfew, which he had rung in the evening for his +subjects in order to remind them that it was time to put out the lights, +as well as the cat, and retire. This badge of servitude caused great +annoyance among the people, who often wished to sit up and visit, or +pass the tankard about and bid dull care begone. + +William, however, was not entirely happy. While reigning, his children +grew up without proper training. Robert, his son, unhorsed the old +gentleman at one time, and would have killed him anonymously, each +wearing at the time a galvanized iron dinner-pail over his features, but +just at the fatal moment Robert heard his father's well-known breath +asserting itself, and withheld his hand. + +William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign. It +resulted from an injury received during an invasion of France. + +Philip, the king of that country, had said something derogatory +regarding William, so the latter, having business in France, decided to +take his army with him and give his soldiers an outing. William captured +the city of Mantes, and laid it in ashes at his feet. These ashes were +still hot in places when the great conqueror rode through them, and his +horse becoming restive, threw His Royal Altitoodleum on the pommel of +his saddle, by reason of which he received a mortal hurt, and a few +weeks later he died, filled with remorse and other stimulants, +regretting his past life in such unmeasured terms that he could be heard +all over the place. + +[Illustration: DEMISE OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +The "feudal system" was now fully established in England, and lands +descended from father to son, and were divided up among the dependants +on condition of the performance of vassalage. In this way the common +people were cheerily permitted the use of what atmosphere they needed +for breathing purposes, on their solemn promise to return it, and at the +close of life, if they had succeeded in winning the royal favor, they +might contribute with their humble remains to the fertility of the royal +vegetable garden. + +[Illustration: THE FEUDAL SYSTEM WAS NOW FULLY ESTABLISHED.] + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR +RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES. + + +At this time, under the reign of William, a year previous to his death, +an inventory was taken of the real estate and personal property +contained in the several counties of England; and this "Domesday-book," +as it was called, formed the basis for subsequent taxation, etc. There +were then three hundred thousand families in England. The book had a +limited circulation, owing to the fact that it was made by hand; but in +1783 it was printed. + +William II., surnamed "Rufus the Red," the auburn-haired son of the +king, took possession of everything--especially the treasure--before his +father was fully deceased, and by fair promises solidified the left wing +of the royal party, compelling the disaffected Norman barons to fly to +France. + +William II. and Robert his brother came to blows over a small rebellion +organized by the latter, but Robert yielded at last, and joined William +with a view to making it hot for Henry, who, being a younger brother, +objected to wearing the king's cast-off reigning clothes. He was at last +forced to submit, however, and the three brothers gayly attacked +Malcolm, the Scotch malecontent, who was compelled to yield, and thus +Cumberland became English ground. This was in 1091. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM II. TAKES POSSESSION OF THE ROYAL TRUNK AND +SECURES THE CROWN.] + +In 1096 the Crusade was creating much talk, and Robert, who had +expressed a desire to lead a totally different life, determined to go if +money could be raised. Therefore William proceeded to levy on everything +that could be realized upon, such as gold and silver communion services +and other bric-à -brac, and free coinage was then first inaugurated. The +king became so greedy that on the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury +he made himself _ex-officio_ archbishop, so that he might handle the +offerings and coin the plate. When William was ill he sent for Father +Anselm, but when he got well he took back all his sweet promises, in +every way reminding one of the justly celebrated policy pursued by His +Sulphureous Highness the Devil. + +The capture of Jerusalem by the Crusaders very naturally attracted the +attention of other ambitious princes who wished also to capture it, and +William, Prince of Guienne, mortgaged his principality to England that +he might raise money to do this; but when about to embark for the +purpose of taking possession of this property, William II., the royal +note-shaver, while hunting, was shot accidentally by a companion, or +assassinated, it is not yet known which, and when found by a passing +charcoal-burner was in a dead state. He was buried in 1100, at +Winchester. + +[Illustration: RUFUS FOUND DEAD IN THE FOREST BY A POOR +CHARCOAL-BURNER.] + +Rufus had no trouble in securing the public approval of his death. He +was the third of his race to perish in the New Forest, the scene of the +Conqueror's cruelty to his people. He was a thick-set man with a red +face, a debauchee of the deepest dye, mean in money matters, and as full +of rum and mendacity as Sitting Bull, the former Regent of the Sioux +Nation. He died at the age of forty-three years, having reigned and cut +up in a shameful manner for thirteen years. + +Robert having gone to the Holy Land, Henry I. was crowned at +Westminster. He was educated to a higher degree than William, and knew +the multiplication table up to seven times seven, but he was highly +immoral, and an armed chaperon stood between him and common decency. + +He also made rapid strides as a liar, and even his own grocer would not +trust him. He successfully fainted when he heard of his son's death, +1120 A.D. + +His reign closed in 1135, when Stephen, a grandson of the Conqueror, +with the aid of a shoe-horn assumed the crown of England, and, placing a +large damp towel in it, proceeded to reign. He began at once to swap +patronage for kind words, and every noble was as ignoble as a +phenomenal thirst and unbridled lust could make him. Every farm had a +stone jail on it, in charge of a noble jailer. Feudal castles, full of +malaria and surrounded by insanitary moats and poor plumbing, echoed the +cry of the captive and the bacchanalian song of the noble. The country +was made desolate by duly authorized robbers, who, under the Crusaders' +standard, prevented the maturity of the spring chicken and hushed the +still, small voice of the roast pig in death. + +[Illustration: HENRY FAINTED WHEN HE HEARD THE SAD NEWS.] + +William the Conqueror was not only remembered bitterly in the broken +hearts of his people, but in history his name will stand out forever +because of his strange and grotesque designs on posterity. + +In 1141 Stephen was made prisoner, and for five years he was not +restored to his kingdom. In the mean time, Matilda, the widow of Henry +I., encouraged by the prelates, landed in England to lay claim to the +throne, and after a great deal of ill feeling and much needed +assassination, her son Henry, who had become quite a large +property-owner in France, invaded England, and finally succeeded in +obtaining recognition as the rightful successor of Stephen. Stephen died +in 1153, and Henry became king. + +[Illustration: MATILDA LANDING IN ENGLAND.] + +The Feudal System, which obtained in England for four hundred years, was +a good one for military purposes, for the king on short notice might +raise an army by calling on the barons, who levied on their vassals, and +they in turn levied on their dependants. + +A feudal castle was generally built in the Norman style of architecture. +It had a "donjon," or keep, which was generally occupied by the baron as +a bar-room, feed-trough, and cooler between fights. It was built of +stone, and was lighted by means of crevices through the wall by day, and +by means of a saucer of tallow and a string or rush which burned during +the night and served mainly to show how dark it was. There was a front +yard or fighting-place around this, surrounded by a high wall, and this +again by a moat. There was an inner court back of the castle, into which +the baron could go for thinking. A chapel was connected with the +institution, and this was the place to which he retired for the purpose +of putting arnica on his conscience. + +Underneath the castle was a large dungeon, where people who differed +with the baron had a studio. Sometimes they did not get out at all, but +died there in their sins, while the baron had all the light of gospel +and chapel privileges up-stairs. + +The historian says that at that time the most numerous class in England +were the "villains." This need not surprise us, when we remember that it +was as much as a man's life was worth to be anything else. + +There were also twenty-five thousand serfs. A serf was required to be at +hand night or day when the baron needed some one to kick. He was +generally attached to the realty, like a hornet's nest, but not +necessary to it. + +In the following chapter knighthood and the early hardware trade will be +touched upon. + +[Illustration: "IN HOC SIGNO VINCES."] + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS, +FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD. + + +The age of chivalry, which yielded such good material to the poet and +romancer, was no doubt essential to the growth of civilization, but it +must have been an unhappy period for legitimate business. How could +trade, commerce, or even the professions, arts, or sciences, flourish +while the entire population spread itself over the bleaching-boards, day +after day, to watch the process of "jousting," while the corn was "in +the grass," and everybody's notes went to protest? + +Then came the days of knight-errantry, when parties in malleable-iron +clothing and shirts of mail--which were worn without change--rode up and +down the country seeking for maids in distress. A pretty maid in those +days who lived on the main road could put on her riding-habit, go to the +window up-stairs, shed a tear, wave her kerchief in the air, and in half +an hour have the front lawn full of knights-errant tramping over the +peony beds and castor-oil plants. + +[Illustration: A PRETTY MAID IN THOSE DAYS.] + +In this way a new rescuer from day to day during the "errant" season +might be expected. Scarcely would the fair maid reach her destination +and get her wraps hung up, when a rattle of gravel on the window would +attract her attention, and outside she would see, with swelling heart, +another knight-errant, who crooked his Russia-iron elbow and murmured, +"Miss, may I have the pleasure of this escape with you?" + +"But I do not recognize you, sir," she would straightway make reply; and +well she might, for, with his steel-shod countenance and corrugated-iron +clothes, he was generally so thoroughly _incog._ that his crest, on a +new shield freshly painted and grained and bearing a motto, was his only +introduction. Imagine a sweet girl, who for years had been under the +eagle eye of a middle-weight chaperon, suddenly espying in the moonlight +a disguised man under the window on horseback, in the act of asking her +to join him for a few weeks at his shooting-box in the swamp. Then, if +you please, imagine her asking for his card, whereupon he exposes the +side of his new tin shield, on which is painted in large Old English +letters a Latin motto meaning, "It is the early bird that catches the +worm," with bird rampant, worm couchant on a field uncultivated. + +Then, seating herself behind the knight, she must escape for days, and +even weeks,--one escape seeming to call for another, as it were. Thus, +however, the expense of a wedding was saved, and the knight with the +biggest chest measurement generally got the heiress with the +copper-colored hair. + +[Illustration: CREST OF A POPULAR KNIGHT.] + +He wore a crest on his helmet adorned with German favors given him by +lady admirers, so that the crest of a popular young knight often looked +like a slump at the _Bon Marché_. + +[Illustration: THE "VIGIL OF ARMS."] + +The most peculiar condition required for entry into knighthood was the +"vigil of arms," which consisted in keeping a long silent watch in some +gloomy spot--a haunted one preferred--over the arms he was about to +assume. The illustration representing this subject is without doubt one +of the best of the kind extant, and even in the present age of the +gold-cure is suggestive of a night-errant of to-day. + +A tournament was a sort of refined equestrian prize-fight with +one-hundred-ounce jabbers. Each knight, clad in tin-foil and armed +cap-a-pie, riding in each other's direction just as fast as possible +with an uncontrollable desire to push one's adversary off his horse, +which meant defeat, because no man could ever climb a horse in full +armor without a feudal derrick to assist him. + +[Illustration: A JUDICIAL COMBAT.] + +The victor was entitled to the horse and armor of the vanquished, which +made the castle paddock of a successful knight resemble the convalescent +ward of the Old Horses' Home. + +This tourney also constituted the prevailing court of those times, and +the plaintiff, calling upon God to defend the right, charged upon the +defendant with a charge which took away the breath of his adversary. +This, of course, was only applicable to certain cases, and could not be +used in trials for divorce, breach of promise, etc. + +The tournament was practically the forerunner of the duel. In each case +the parties in effect turned the matter over to Omnipotence; but still +the man who had his back to the sun, and knew how to handle firearms and +cutlery, generally felt most comfortable. + +Gentlemen who were not engaged in combat, but who attended to the +grocery business during the Norman period, wore a short velvet cloak +trimmed with fur over a doublet and hose. The shoes were pointed,--as +were the remarks made by the irate parent,--and generally the shoes and +remarks accompanied each other when a young tradesman sought the hand of +the daughter, whilst she had looked forward to a two-hundred-mile ride +on the crupper of a knight-errant without stopping for feed or water. + +In those days also, the fool made no effort to disguise his folly by +going to Congress or fussing with the currency, but wore a uniform which +designated his calling and saved time in estimating his value. + +The clergy in those days possessed the bulk of knowledge, and had +matters so continued the vacant pew would have less of a hold on people +than it has to-day; but in some way knowledge escaped from the cloister +and percolated through the other professions, so that to-day in England, +out of a good-sized family, the pulpit generally has to take what is +left after the army, navy, politics, law, and golf have had the pick. It +was a fatal error to permit the escape of knowledge in that way; and +when southern Europe, now priest-ridden and pauperized, learns to read +and write, the sleek blood-suckers will eat plainer food and the poor +will not go entirely destitute. + +The Normans ate two meals a day, and introduced better cooking among the +Saxons, who had been accustomed to eat very little except while under +the influence of stimulants, and who therefore did not realize what they +ate. The Normans went in more for meat victuals, and thus the names of +meat, such as veal, beef, pork, and mutton, are of Norman origin, while +the names of the animals in a live state are calf, ox, pig, and sheep, +all Saxon names. + +The Authors' Club of England at this time consisted of Geoffrey of +Monmouth and another man. They wrote their books with quill pens, and if +the authorities did not like what was said, the author could be made to +suppress the entire edition for a week's board, or for a bumper of +Rhenish wine with a touch of pepper-sauce in it he would change the +objectionable part by means of an eraser. + +[Illustration: THE AUTHORS' CLUB AT THIS TIME.] + +It was under these circumstances that the Plantagenets became leaders in +society, and added their valuable real estate in France to the English +dominions. In 1154, Henry Plantagenet was thus the most powerful monarch +in Europe, and by wedding his son Geoffrey to the daughter of the Duke +of Brittany, soon scooped in that valuable property also. + +He broke up the custom of issuing pickpocket and felony licenses to his +nobles, seized the royal stone-piles and other nests for common sneak +thieves, and resolved to give the people a chance to pay taxes and die +natural deaths. The disorderly nobles were reduced to the ranks or sent +away to institutions for inebriates, and people began to permit their +daughters to go about the place unarmed. + +Foreign mercenaries who had so long infested the country were ordered to +leave it under penalty of having their personal possessions confiscated, +and their own carcasses dissected and fed to the wild boars. + +[Illustration: FOREIGN MERCENARIES LEAVE ENGLAND.] + +Henry next gave his attention to the ecclesiastic power. He chose Thomas +à Becket to the vacant portfolio as Archbishop of Canterbury, hoping +thus to secure him as an ally; but à Becket, though accustomed to ride +after a four-in-hand and assume a style equal to the king himself, +suddenly became extremely devout, and austerity characterized this child +of fortune, insomuch that each day on bended knees he bathed the chapped +and soiled feet of thirteen beggars. Why thirteen beggars should come +around every morning to the archbishop's study to have their feet +manicured, or how that could possibly mollify an outraged God, the +historian does not claim to state, and, in fact, is not able to throw +any light upon it at the price agreed upon for this book. + +[Illustration: A COOLNESS BETWEEN THE KING AND THE ARCHBISHOP.] + +Trouble now arose between the king and the archbishop; a protracted +coolness, during which the king's pew grew gray with dust, and he had to +baptize and confirm his own children in addition to his other work. + +The king now summoned the prelates; but they excused themselves from +coming on the grounds of previous engagements. Then he summoned the +nobles also, and gave the prelates one more chance, which they decided +to avail themselves of. Thus the "Constitutions of Clarendon" were +adopted in 1164, and Becket, though he at first bolted the action of the +convention, soon became reconciled and promised to fall into line, +though he hated it like sin. + +Then the Roman pontiff annulled the constitutions, and scared Becket +back again into his original position. This angered the king, who +condemned his old archbishop, and he fled to France, where he had a tall +time. The Pope threatened to excommunicate Henry; but the latter told +him to go ahead, as he did not fear excommunication, having been already +twice exposed to it while young. + +Finally à Becket was banished; but after six years returned, and all +seemed again smooth and joyous; but Becket kept up the war indirectly +against Henry, till one day he exclaimed in his wrath, "Is there no one +of my subjects who will rid me of this insolent priest?" Whereupon four +loyal knights, who were doubtless of Scotch extraction, and who +therefore could not take a joke, thought the king in dead earnest, and +actually butchered the misguided archbishop in a sickening manner before +the altar. This was in 1170. + +Henry, who was in France when this occurred, was thoroughly horrified +and frightened, no doubt. So much so, in fact, that he agreed to make a +pilgrimage barefoot to the tomb of à Becket; but even this did not place +him upon a firm footing with the clergy, who paraded à Becket's +assassination on all occasions, and thus strengthened this opposition to +the king. + +[Illustration: HENRY WALKING TO THE TOMB OF BECKET.] + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +CONQUEST OF IRELAND: UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF +AN ACQUISITORIAL PROPENSITY. + + +In 1173 occurred the conquest of Ireland, anciently called Hibernia. +These people were similar to the Britons, but of their history prior to +the year 400 A.D. little is known. Before Christ a race of men inhabited +Ireland, however, who had their own literature, and who were advanced in +the arts. This was before the introduction of the "early mass" whiskers, +and prior to the days when the Orangemen had sent forth their defiant +peal. + +[Illustration: "EARLY MASS" WHISKERS.] + +In the fifth century Ireland was converted by St. Patrick, and she +became known as the Island of Saints and Scholars. To say that she has +become the island of pugilists and policemen to-day would be unjust, +and to say that she has more influence in America than in Ireland would +be unkind. Surely her modern history is most pathetic. + +For three centuries the island was harassed by the Danes and Northmen; +but when the Marquis of Queensberry rules were adopted, the latter threw +up the sponge. The finish fight occurred at Clontarf, near Dublin. + +Henry had written permission from the Pope to conquer Ireland years and +years before he cared to do it. Sometimes it rained, and at other times +he did not feel like it, so that his permission got almost worn out by +carrying it about with him. + +In 1172, however, an Irish chief, or subordinate king, had trouble with +his kingdom,--doubtless because some rival monarch stepped in it and +tracked it around over the other kingdoms,--and so he called upon the +Anglo-Normans under Strongbow (Richard de Clare), whose deClaration of +Independence was the first thing of the kind known to civilization, for +help. While assisting the Irish chief, Strongbow noticed a royal wink on +the features of Henry, and acting upon it proceeded to gather in the +other precincts of Ireland. Thus, in 1172, the island was placed under +the rule of a viceroy sent there by England. + +Henry now had trouble with three of his sons, Henry, Richard, and +Geoffrey, who threatened that if the old gentleman did not divide up +his kingdom among them they would go to Paris and go into the _roué_ +business. Henry himself was greatly talked about, and his name coupled +with that of fair Rosamond Clifford, a rival of Queen Eleanor. The king +refused to grant the request of his sons, and bade them go ahead with +their _roué_ enterprises so long as they did not enter into competition +with him. + +[Illustration: THE BECKET DIFFICULTY STILL KEPT HENRY AWAKE AT NIGHT.] + +So they went to Paris, where their cuttings-up were not noticed. The +queen took their side, as also did Louis of France and William, King of +Scotland. With the Becket difficulty still keeping him awake of nights +also, the king was in constant hot water, and for a time it seemed that +he would have to seek other employment; but his masterly hit in making a +barefooted pilgrimage to the tomb of Becket, thus securing absolution +from the Archbishop of Canterbury, turned the tide. + +William of Scotland was made a prisoner in 1174, and the confederacy +against the king broken up. Thus, in 1175, the castle at Edinburgh came +into the hands of the English, and roast beef was substituted for oats. +Irish and Scotch whiskey were now introduced into the national policy, +and bits of bright English humor, with foot-notes for the use of the +Scots, were shipped to Edinburgh. + +Henry had more trouble with his sons, however, and they embittered his +life as the sons of a too-frolicsome father are apt to do. Henry Jr. +died repentant; but Geoffrey perished in his sins in a tournament, +although generally the tournament was supposed to be conducive to +longevity. Richard was constitutionally a rebel, and at last compelled +the old gentleman to yield to a humiliating treaty with the French in +1189. Finding in the list of the opposing forces the name of John, his +young favorite son, the poor old battered monarch, in 1189, selected an +unoccupied grave and took possession of same. + +[Illustration: THE UNHAPPY FATHER SANK INTO THE GRAVE.] + +He cursed his sons and died miserably, deserted by his followers, who +took such clothing as fitted them best, and would have pawned the throne +had it not been out of style and unavailable for that purpose, beside +being secured to the castle. His official life was creditable to a high +degree, but his private life seemed to call loudly for a good, competent +disinfectant. + +[Illustration: WHEN RICHARD WAS SICK THE GENEROUS SULTAN SENT HIM FRUITS +AND ICE.] + +Richard _Kyur duh le ong_, as the French have it, or Richard I. of the +lion heart, reigned in his father's stead from 1189 to 1199. His reign +opened with a disagreeable massacre. The Jews, who had brought him some +presents to wear at his inaugural ball, were insulted by the populace, +who believed that the king favored a massacre, and so many were put to +death. + +Richard and Philip of France organized a successful crusade against +people who were not deemed orthodox, and succeeded in bagging a good +many in Syria, where the woods were full of infidels. + +Richard, however, was so overbearing that Philip could not get along +with him, and they dissolved partnership; but Richard captured Ascalon +after this. His army was too much reduced, however, to capture +Jerusalem. + +Saladin, the opposing sultan, was a great admirer of Richard, and when +the lion-hearted king was ill, sent him fruits and even ice, so the +historian says. Where the Saracens got their ice at that time we can +only surmise. + +Peace was established, and the pilgrims who desired to enter the holy +city were unmolested. This matter was settled in 1192. + +On his return Richard was compelled to go _incog._ through Germany, as +the authorities were opposed to him. He was discovered and confined till +a large ransom was paid. + +Philip and John, the king's brother, decided that Richard's extremity +was their opportunity, and so concluded to divide up his kingdom between +them. At this dramatic moment Richard, having paid his sixty thousand +pounds ransom and tipped his custodian, entered the English arena, and +the jig was up. John was obliged to ask pardon, and Richard generously +gave it, with the exclamation, "Oh, that I could forget his injuries as +soon as he will my forgiveness!" + +[Illustration: RICHARD TRAVELLING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY.] + +Richard never secured a peace with Philip, but died, in 1199, from the +effects of a wound received in France, and when but forty-two years of +age. The longevity among monarchs of the present day is indeed +gratifying when one reads of the brief lives of these old reigners, for +it surely demonstrates that royalty, when not carried to excess, is +rather conducive to health than otherwise. + +Richard died from the effects of an arrow wound, and all his foes in +this engagement were hanged, except the young warrior who had given him +his death wound. Doubtless this was done to encourage good marksmanship. + +England got no benefit from Richard's great daring and expensive picnics +in Palestine; but of course he advertised Great Britain, and frightened +foreign powers considerably. The taxation necessary to maintain an army +in the Holy Land, where board was high, kept England poor; but every one +was proud of Richard, because he feared not the face of clay. + +John, the disagreeable brother, succeeded Richard, and reigned seventeen +years, though his nephew, Arthur, the son of Geoffrey, was the rightful +heir. Philip, who kept himself in pocket-money by starting one-horse +rebellions against England, joined with Arthur long enough to effect a +treaty, in 1200, which kept him in groceries several years, when he +again brought Prince Arthur forward; but this was disastrous, for the +young prince was captured and cruelly assassinated by request of his +affectionate uncle, King John. + +To be a relative of the king in those good old days was generally +fatal. Let us rejoice that times have so greatly improved, and that the +wicked monarch has learned to seat himself gingerly upon his +bomb-infested throne. + +[Illustration: JOHN CAUSED ARTHUR TO BE CRUELLY MURDERED.] + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED: SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING +AN UNPOPULAR AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE. + + +Philip called the miserable monarch to account for the death of Arthur, +and, as a result, John lost his French possessions. Hence the weak and +wicked son of Henry Plantagenet, since called Lackland, ceased to be a +tax-payer in France, and proved to a curious world that a court fool in +his household was superfluous. + +John now became mixed up in a fracas with the Roman pontiff, who would +have been justified in giving him a Roman punch. Why he did not, no +Roman knows. + +On the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury in 1205, Stephen Langton +was elected to the place, with a good salary and use of the rectory. +John refused to confirm the appointment, whereat Innocent III., the +pontiff, closed the churches and declared a general lock-out. People +were denied Christian burial in 1208, and John was excommunicated in +1209. + +Philip united with the Pope, and together they raised the temperature +for John so that he yielded to the Roman pontiff, and in 1213 agreed to +pay him a comfortable tribute. The French king attempted to conquer +England, but was defeated in a great naval battle in the harbor of +Damme. Philip afterwards admitted that the English were not conquered +by a Damme site; but the Pope absolved him for two dollars. + +[Illustration: KING JOHN SIGNS THE MAGNA CHARTA.] + +It was now decided by the royal subjects that John should be still +further restrained, as he had disgraced his nation and soiled his +ermine. So the barons raised an army, took London, and at Runnymede, +June 15, 1215, compelled John to sign the famous Magna Charta, giving +his subjects many additional rights to the use of the climate, and so +forth, which they had not known before. + +Among other things the right of trial by his peers was granted to the +freeman; and so, out of the mental and moral chaos and general +strabismus of royal justice, everlasting truth and human rights arose. + +Scarcely was the ink dry on Magna Charta, and hardly had the king +returned his tongue to its place after signing the instrument, when he +began to organize an army of foreign soldiers, with which he laid waste +with fire and sword the better part of "Merrie Englande." + +But the barons called on Philip, the general salaried Peacemaker +Plenipotentiary, who sent his son Louis with an army to overtake John +and punish him severely. The king was overtaken by the tide and lost all +his luggage, treasure, hat-box, dress-suit case, return ticket, annual +address, shoot-guns, stab-knives, rolling stock, and catapults, +together with a fine flock of battering-rams. + +This loss brought on a fever, of which he died, in 1216 A.D., after +eighteen years of reign and wind. + +A good execrator could here pause a few weeks and do well. + +History holds but few such characters as John, who was not successful +even in crime. He may be regarded roughly as the royal poultice who +brought matters to a head in England, and who, by means of his +treachery, cowardice, and phenomenal villany, acted as a +counter-irritant upon the malarial surface of the body politic. + +After the death of John, the Earl of Pembroke, who was Marshal of +England, caused Henry, the nine-year-old son of the late king, to be +promptly crowned. + +Pembroke was chosen protector, and so served till 1219, when he died, +and was succeeded by Hubert de Burgh. Louis, with the French forces, had +been defeated and driven back home, so peace followed. + +Henry III. was a weak king, as is too well known, but was kind. He +behaved well enough till about 1231, when he began to ill-treat de +Burgh. + +He became subservient to the French element and his wife's relatives +from Provence (pronounced _Provongs_). He imported officials by the +score, and Eleanor's family never released their hold upon the public +teat night or day. They would cry bitterly if deprived of same even for +a moment. This was about the year 1236. + +[Illustration: THE PROMPT CORONATION OF THE NINE-YEAR-OLD KING HENRY.] + +Besides this, and feeling that more hot water was necessary to keep up a +ruddy glow, the king was held tightly beneath the thumb of the Pope. +Thus Italy claimed and secured the fat official positions in the church. +The pontiff gave Henry the crown of Sicily with a C.O.D. on it, which +Henry could not raise without the assistance of Parliament. Parliament +did not like this, and the barons called upon him one evening with +concealed brass knuckles and things, and compelled him to once more +comply with the regulations of Magna Charta, which promise he rigidly +adhered to until the committee had turned the first corner outside the +royal lawn. + +[Illustration: THE BARONS COMPELLED HENRY III. TO PROMISE COMPLIANCE +WITH THE MAGNA CHARTA.] + +Possessing peculiar gifts as a versatile liar and boneless coward, and +being entirely free from the milk of human kindness or bowels of +compassion, his remains were eagerly sought after and yearned for by +scientists long before he decided to abandon them. + +Again, in 1258, he was required to submit to the requests of the barons; +but they required too much this time, and a civil war followed. + +Simon de Montfort, Earl of Leicester, at the head of the rebellious +barons, won a victory over the king in 1264, and took the monarch and +his son Edward prisoners. + +Leicester now ruled the kingdom, and not only called an extra session of +Parliament, but in 1265 admitted representatives of the towns and +boroughs, thereby instituting the House of Commons, where self-made +men might sit on the small of the back with their hats on and cry "Hear! +Hear!" + +The House of Commons is regarded as the bulwark of civil and political +liberty, and when under good police regulations is still a great boon. + +Prince Edward escaped from jail and organized an army, which in 1265 +defeated the rebels, and Leicester and his son were slain. The wicked +soldiery wreaked their vengeance upon the body of the fallen man, for +they took great pride in their prowess as wreakers; but in the hearts of +the people Leicester was regarded as a martyr to their cause. + +Henry III. was now securely seated once more upon his rather restless +throne, and as Edward had been a good boy for some time, his father gave +him permission to visit the Holy Land, in 1270, with Louis of France, +who also wished to go to Jerusalem and take advantage of the low Jewish +clothing market. In 1272 Henry died, during the absence of his son, +after fifty-six years of vacillation and timidity. He was the kind of +king who would sit up half of the night trying to decide which boot to +pull off first, and then, with a deep-drawn sigh, go to bed with them +on. + +Edward, surnamed "Longshanks," having collected many antiques, and cut +up a few also, returned and took charge of the throne. He found England +prosperous and the Normans and Saxons now thoroughly united and +homogeneous. Edward did not hurry home as some would have done, but sent +word to have his father's funeral made as cheery as possible, and +remained over a year in Italy and France. He was crowned in 1274. In a +short time, however, he had trouble with the Welsh, and in 1282, in +battle, the Welsh prince became somehow entangled with his own name so +that he tripped and fell, and before he could recover his feet was +slain. + +[Illustration: LONGSHANKS RECEIVES TIDINGS OF HIS FATHER'S DEATH.] + +Wales having been annexed to the crown, Edward's son was vested with its +government, and the heir-apparent has ever since been called the Prince +of Wales. It is a good position, but becomes irksome after fifty or +sixty years, it is said. + +[Illustration: CONQUEST OF WALES.] + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED: ILLUSTRATING THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW +AND THE PERVERSITY OF THE SCOT. + + +In 1278 the Jews, to the number of two hundred and eighty, were hanged +for having in their possession clipped coins. Shortly afterwards all the +Jews in England were imprisoned. Whenever times were hard the Jews were +imprisoned, and on one job lot alone twelve thousand pounds were +realized in ransom. And still the Jews are not yet considered as among +the redeemed. In 1290 they were all banished from the kingdom and their +property seized by the crown. This seizure of real estate turned the +attention of the Jews to the use of diamonds as an investment. For four +hundred years the Jews were not permitted to return to England. + +Scotch wars were kept up during the rest of Edward's reign; but in 1291, +with great reluctance, Scotland submitted, and Baliol, whose trouble +with Bruce had been settled in favor of the former, was placed upon the +throne. But the king was overbearing to Baliol, insomuch that the +Scotch joined with the Normans in war with England, which resulted, in +1293, in the destruction of the Norman navy. + +Philip then subpoenaed Edward, as Duke of Guienne, to show cause why he +should not pay damages for the loss of the navy, which could not be +replaced for less than twenty pounds, and finally wheedled Edward out of +the duchy. + +Philip maintained a secret understanding with Baliol, however, and +Edward called a parliament, founded upon the great principle that "what +concerns all should be approved by all." This was in 1295; and on this +declaration, so far as successful government is concerned, hang all the +law and the profits. + +The following year Edward marched into Scotland, where he captured +Baliol and sent him to France, where he died, in boundless obscurity, in +1297. Baliol was succeeded by the brave William Wallace, who won a great +battle at Stirling, but was afterwards defeated entirely at Falkirk, and +in 1305 was executed in London by request. + +But the Scotch called to their aid Robert Bruce, the grandson of +Baliol's competitor, and he was solemnly crowned at the Abbey of Scone. + +During a successful campaign against these people Edward fell sick, and +died in 1307. He left orders for the Scottish war to be continued till +that restless and courageous people were subdued. + +[Illustration: THE FRENCH KING ENTERS INTO A SECRET ALLIANCE WITH +BALIOL.] + +Edward was called the English Justinian; yet those acts for which he is +most famous were reluctantly done because of the demands made by a +determined people. + +During his reign gunpowder was discovered by Roger Bacon, whereby Guy +Fawkes was made possible. Without him England would still be a +slumbering fog-bank upon the shores of Time. + +[Illustration: ROGER BACON DISCOVERS GUNPOWDER.] + +Young Edward was not much of a monarch. He forgot to fight the Scots, +and soon Robert Bruce had won back the fortresses taken by the English, +and Edward II., under the influence of an attractive trifler named +Gaveston, dawdled away his days and frittered away his nights. Finally +the nobles, who disliked Gaveston, captured him and put him in Warwick +Castle, and in 1312 the royal favorite was horrified to find near him a +large pool of blood, and on a further search discovered his own head +lying in the gutter of the court. Turning sick at the gory sight, he +buried his face in his handkerchief and expired. + +The nobles were forgiven afterwards by the king, who now turned his +attention to the victorious Scots. + +Stirling Castle and the Fortress of Berwick alone remained to the +English, and Robert Bruce was besieging the latter. + +The English, numbering one hundred thousand, at Bannockburn fought +against thirty thousand Scots. Bruce surprised the cavalry with deep +pits, and before the English could recover from this, an approaching +reinforcement for the Scotch was seen coming over the hill. This +consisted of "supes," with banners and bagpipes; and though they were +really teamsters in disguise, their hostile appearance and the +depressing music of the bagpipes so shocked the English that they did +not stop running until they reached Berwick. The king came around to +Berwick from Dunbar by steamer, thus saving his life, and obtaining +much-needed rest on board the boat.[A] + +[Footnote A: Doubtless this is an error, so far as the steamer is +concerned; but the statement can do no harm, and the historian cannot be +positive in matters of this kind at all times, for the strain upon his +memory is too great. The critic, too, should not be forgotten in a work +of this kind. He must do something to support his family, or he will +become disliked.--AUTHOR.] + +Edward found himself now on the verge of open war with Ireland and +Wales, and the population of the Isle of Wight and another person, whose +name is not given, threatened to declare war. The English nobles, too, +were insubordinate, and the king, who had fallen under the influence of +a man named Spencer and his father, was required by the best society, +headed by Lancaster, to exile both of these wicked advisers. + +Afterwards the king attacked Lancaster with his army, and having +captured him, had him executed in 1322. + +[Illustration: UNFORTUNATE KING WAS TREATED WITH REVOLTING CRUELTY.] + +The Spencers now returned, and the queen began to cut up strangely and +create talk. She formed the acquaintance of Roger Mortimer, who +consented to act as her paramour. They organized a scheme to throw off +the Spencers and dethrone Edward the Thinkless, her husband, in 1325. + +Any one who has tried to be king even for a few weeks under the above +circumstances must agree with the historian that it is no moonlight +frolic. + +Edward fled to Wales, but in 1326 was requested to come home and remain +in jail there, instead of causing a scandal by staying away and spending +his money in Wales. He was confined in Kenilworth Castle, while his son +was ostensibly king, though his wife and Mortimer really managed the +kingdom and behaved in a scandalous way, Mortimer wearing the king's +clothes, shaving with his razor, and winding the clock every night as +though he owned the place.[A] This was in 1327. + +[Footnote A: The clock may safely be omitted from the above account, as +later information would indicate that this may be an error, though there +is no doubt that Mortimer at this time wore out two suits of the king's +pajamas.--Author.] + +In September the poor king was put to death by co-respondent Mortimer in +a painful and sickening manner, after having been most inhumanly +treated in Berkeley Castle, whither he had been removed. + +Thus ends the sad history of a monarch who might have succeeded in a +minor position on a hen farm, but who made a beastly fluke in the king +business. + +The assurance of Mortimer in treating the king as he did is a blot upon +the fair page of history in high life. Let us turn over a new leaf. + +[Illustration: ON A HEN FARM.] + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH: INTERMINABLE DISSENSION, ASSISTED BY THE +PLAGUE, CONTINUES REDUCING THE POPULATION. + + +It is a little odd, but it is true, that Edward III. was crowned at +fourteen and married at fifteen years of age. Princes in those days were +affianced as soon as they were weighed, and married before they got +their eyes open, though even yet there are many people who do not get +their eyes opened until after marriage. Edward married Philippa, +daughter of the Count of Hainault, to whom he had been engaged while +teething. + +In 1328 Mortimer mixed up matters with the Scots, by which he +relinquished his claim to Scotch homage. Being still the gentleman +friend of Isabella, the regent, he had great influence. He assumed, on +the ratification of the above treaty by Parliament, the title of Earl of +March. + +The young prince rose to the occasion, and directed several of his +nobles to forcibly drag the Earl of March from the apartments of the +guilty pair, and in 1330 he became the Earl of Double-Quick March--a +sort of forced March--towards the gibbet, where he was last seen trying +to stand on the English climate. The queen was kept in close confinement +during the rest of her life, and the morning papers of that time +contained nothing of a social nature regarding her doings. + +[Illustration: IN 1330 MORTIMER BECAME THE EARL OF DOUBLE-QUICK MARCH.] + +The Scots, under David Bruce, were defeated at Halidon Hill in 1333, and +Bruce fled to France. Thus again under a vassal of the English king, +Edward Baliol by name, the Scotch crooked the reluctant hinges of the +knee. + +Edward now claimed to be a more direct heir through Queen Isabella than +Philip, the cousin of Charles IV., who occupied the throne, so he +proceeded to vindicate himself against King Philip in the usual way. He +destroyed the French fleet in 1340, defeated Philip, though with +inferior numbers, at Crécy, and demonstrated for the first time that +cannon could be used with injurious results on the enemy. + +[Illustration: EDWARD DEMONSTRATED AT THE BATTLE OF CRÉCY THAT CANNON +COULD BE USED WITH VIGOROUS RESULTS.] + +In 1346 the Black Prince, as Edward was called, on account of the color +of the Russia iron used in making his mackintosh, may be said to have +commenced his brilliant military career. He captured Calais,--the key to +France,--and made it a flourishing English city and a market for wool, +leather, tin, and lead. It so continued for two hundred years. + +The Scotch considered this a good time to regain their independence, +and David Bruce took charge of the enterprise, but was defeated at +Neville's Cross, in 1346, and taken prisoner. + +Philippa here distinguished herself during the absence of the king, by +encouraging the troops and making a telling equestrian speech to them +before the battle. After the capture of Bruce, too, she repaired to +Calais, where she prevented the king's disgraceful execution of six +respectable citizens who had been sent to surrender the city. + +[Illustration: A CLOSE CALL FOR THE SIX CITIZENS OF CALAIS.] + +During a truce between the English and French, England was visited by +the Black Death, a plague that came from Asia and bade fair to +depopulate the country. London lost fifty thousand people, and at times +there were hardly enough people left to bury the dead or till the +fields. This contagion occurred in 1349, and even attacked the domestic +animals. + +[Illustration: NO MONARCH OF SPIRIT CARES TO HAVE HIS THRONE PULLED FROM +UNDER HIM JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO OCCUPY IT.] + +John having succeeded Philip in France, in 1350 Edward made another +effort to recover the French throne; but no monarch of spirit cares to +have his throne pulled from beneath him just as he is about to occupy +it, and so, when the Black Prince began to burn and plunder southern +France, his father made a similar excursion from Calais, in 1355. + +The next year the Black Prince sent twelve thousand men into the heart +of France, where they met an army of sixty thousand, and the English +general offered all his conquests cheerfully to John for the privilege +of returning to England; but John overstepped himself by demanding an +unconditional surrender, and a battle followed in which the French were +whipped out of their boots and the king captured. We should learn from +this to know when we have enough. + +This battle was memorable because the English loss was mostly confined +to the common soldiery, while among the French it was peculiarly fatal +to the nobility. Two dukes, nineteen counts, five thousand men-at-arms, +and eight thousand infantry were killed, and a bobtail flush royal was +found to have been bagged as prisoners. + +For four years John was a prisoner, but well treated. He was then +allowed to resume his renovated throne; but failing to keep good his +promises to the English, he came back to London by request, and died +there in 1364. + +The war continued under Charles, the new French monarch; and though +Edward was an able and courteous foe, in 1370 he became so irritated +because of the revolt of Limoges, notwithstanding his former kindness to +its people, that he caused three thousand of her citizens to be put to +the sword. + +The Black Prince fought no more, but after six years of illness died, +in 1376, with a good record for courage and statecraft. His father, the +king, survived him only a year, expiring in the sixty-fifth year of his +age, 1377. + +English literature was encouraged during his reign, and John Wickliffe, +Gower, Chaucer, and other men whose genius greatly outstripped their +orthography were seen to flourish some. + +[Illustration: A STRIKING ILLUSTRATION OF WAT TYLER'S CONTROVERSY WITH +THE TAX RECEIVER.] + +Edward III. was succeeded by his grandson, Richard, and war with France +was maintained, though Charles the Wise held his own, with the aid of +the Scotch under Robert II., the first of the Stuarts. + +A heavy war-tax was levied _per capita_ at the rate of three groats on +male and female above the age of fifteen, and those who know the value +of a groat will admit that it was too much. A damsel named Tyler, +daughter of Wat the Tyler, was so badly treated by the assessor that her +father struck the officer dead with his hammer, in 1381, and placed +himself at the head of a revolt, numbering one hundred thousand people, +who collected on Blackheath. Jack Straw and Rev. John Ball also aided in +the convention. The latter objected to the gentlemen on general +principles, claiming that Adam was no gentleman, and that Eve had still +less claim in that direction.[A] + +[Footnote A: Rev. John Ball chose as a war-cry and transparency these +words: + + "When Adam delved and Eve span, + Where was then the gentleman?" + +Those who have tried it in modern times say that to be a gentleman is no +sinecure, and the well-bred author falls in with this sentiment, though +still regarding it as a great boon.--HISTORIAN.] + +In this outbreak, and during the same year, the rebels broke into the +city of London, burned the palaces, plundered the warehouses, and killed +off the gentlemen wherever an _alibi_ could not be established, winding +up with the murder of the Archbishop of Canterbury. + +During a conference with Tyler, the king was so rudely addressed by Wat, +that Walworth, mayor of London, struck the rebel with his sword, and +others despatched him before he knew exactly Wat was Wat. + +Richard, to quiet this storm, acceded to the rebel demands until he +could get his forces together, when he ignored his promises in a right +royal manner in the same year. One of these concessions was the +abolition of slavery and the novel use of wages for farm work. By his +failure to keep this promise, serfdom continued in England four hundred +years afterwards. + +Richard now became unpopular, and showed signs of worthlessness. He +banished his cousin Henry, and dispossessed him of his estates. This, of +course, irritated Henry, who entered England while the king was in +Ireland, and his forces were soon joined by sixty thousand malecontents. + +Poor Richard wandered away to Wales, where he was in constant danger of +falling off, and after living on chestnuts knocked from the high trees +by means of his sceptre, he returned disgusted and took up his quarters +in the Tower, where he died of starvation in 1400. + +Nothing can be more pathetic than the picture of a king crying for +bread, yet willing to compromise on tarts. A friendless king sitting on +the hard stone floor of the Tower, after years spent on board of an +elastic throne with rockers under it, would move even the hardened +historian to tears. (A brief intermission is here offered for unavailing +tears.) + +[Illustration: A FRIENDLESS KING SITTING ON THE HARD STONE FLOOR OF THE +TOWER.] + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS: ONWARD MARCH OF CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY +DELINEATED WITH THE HISTORIAN'S USUAL COMPLETENESS. + + +The Plantagenet period saw the establishment of the House of Commons, +and cut off the power of the king to levy taxes without the consent of +Parliament. It also exchanged the judicial rough-and-tumble on horseback +for the trial by jury. Serfdom continued, and a good horse would bring +more in market than a man. + +Agriculture was still in its infancy, and the farmer refused to adopt a +new and attractive plough because it did not permit the ploughman to +walk near enough to his team, that he might twist the tail of the +patient bullock. + +The costumes of the period seem odd, as we look back upon them, for the +men wore pointed shoes with toes tied to the girdle, and trousers and +coat each of different colors: for instance, sometimes one sleeve was +black and the other white, while the ladies wore tall hats, sometimes +two feet high, and long trains. They also carried two swords in the +girdle, doubtless to protect them from the nobility. + +[Illustration: SLAVES WERE BOUGHT AND SOLD AT THE FAIRS.] + +Each house of any size had a "pleasance," and the "herberie," or physic +garden, which was the pioneer of the pie-plant bed, was connected with +the monasteries. + +[Illustration: ASTROLOGY WAS THE FAVORITE STUDY OF THOSE TIMES.] + +Roger Bacon was thrown into prison for having too good an education. +Scientists in those days always ran the risk of being surprised, and +more than one discoverer wound up by discovering himself in jail. + +Astrology was a favorite amusement, especially among the young people. + +Henry IV., son of John of Gaunt, fourth son of Edward III., became king +in 1399, though Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March, and great-grandson of +Lionel, the third son of Edward III., was the rightful heir. This boy +was detained in Windsor Castle by Henry's orders. + +[Illustration: HENRY PROTECTS THE CHURCH FROM HERESY.] + +Henry succeeded in catching a heretic, in 1401, and burned him at the +stake. This was the first person put to death in England for his +religious belief, and the occasion was the origin of the epitaph, "Well +done, good and faithful servant." + +Conspiracies were quite common in those days, one of them being +organized by Harry Percy, called "Hotspur" because of his irritability. +The ballad of Chevy Chase was founded upon his exploits at the battle of +Otterburn, in 1388. The Percys favored Mortimer, and so united with the +Welsh and Scots. + +A large fight occurred at Shrewsbury in 1403. The rebels were defeated +and Percy slain. Northumberland was pardoned, and tried it again, +assisted by the Archbishop of York, two years later. The archbishop was +executed in 1405. Northumberland made another effort, but was defeated +and slain. + +In 1413 Henry died, leaving behind him the record of a fraudulent +sovereign who was parsimonious, sour, and superstitious, without virtue +or religion. + +He was succeeded by his successor, which was customary at that time. +Henry V. was his son, a youth who was wild and reckless. He had been in +jail for insulting the chief-justice, as a result of a drunken frolic +and fine. He was real wild and bad, and had no more respect for his +ancestry than a chicken born in an incubator. Yet he reformed on taking +the throne. + +[Illustration: HENRY V. HAD ON ONE OCCASION BEEN COMMITTED TO PRISON.] + +Henry now went over to France with a view to securing the throne, but +did not get it, as it was occupied at the time. So he returned; but at +Agincourt was surprised by the French army, four times as large as his +own, and with a loss of forty only, he slew ten thousand of the French +and captured fourteen thousand. What the French were doing while this +slaughter was going on the modern historian has great difficulty in +figuring out. This battle occurred in 1415, and two years after Henry +returned to France, hoping to do equally well. He made a treaty at +Troyes with the celebrated idiot Charles VI., and promised to marry his +daughter Catherine, who was to succeed Charles upon his death, and try +to do better. Henry became Regent of France by this ruse, but died in +1422, and left his son Henry, less than a year old. The king's death was +a sad blow to England, for he was an improvement on the general run of +kings. Henry V. left a brother, the Duke of Bedford, who became +Protector and Regent of France; but when Charles the Imbecile died, his +son, Charles VII., rose to the occasion, and a war of some years began. +After some time, Bedford invaded southern France and besieged Orléans. + +[Illustration: HENRY, PROCLAIMED REGENT OF FRANCE, ENTERED PARIS IN +TRIUMPH.] + +Joan of Arc had been told of a prophecy to the effect that France could +only be delivered from the English by a virgin, and so she, though only +a peasant girl, yet full of a strange, eager heroism which was almost +inspiration, applied to the king for a commission. + +[Illustration: JOAN OF ARC INDUCES THE KING TO BELIEVE THE TRUTH OF HER +MISSION.] + +Inspired by her perfect faith and godlike heroism, the French fought +like tigers, and, in 1429, the besiegers went home. She induced the king +to be crowned in due form at Rheims, and asked for an honorable +discharge; but she was detained, and the English, who afterwards +captured her, burned her to death at Rouen, in 1431, on the charge of +sorcery. Those who did this afterwards regretted it and felt mortified. +Her death did the invaders no good; but above her ashes, and moistened +by her tears,--if such a feat were possible,--liberty arose once more, +and, in 1437, Charles was permitted to enter Paris and enjoy the town +for the first time in twenty years. In 1444 a truce of six years was +established. + +Henry was a disappointment, and, as Bedford was dead, the Duke of +Gloucester, the king's uncle, and Cardinal Beaufort, his guardian, had, +up to his majority, been the powers behind the throne. + +Henry married Margaret of Anjou, a very beautiful and able lady, who +possessed the qualities so lacking in the king. They were married in +1445, and, if living, this would be the four hundred and fifty-first +anniversary of their wedding. It is, anyway. (1896.) + +The provinces of Maine and Anjou were given by the king in return for +Margaret. Henry continued to show more and more signs of fatty +degeneration of the cerebrator, and Gloucester, who had opposed the +marriage, was found dead in his prison bed, whither he had been sent at +Margaret's request. The Duke of York, the queen's favorite, succeeded +him, and Somerset, another favorite, succeeded York. In 1451 it was +found that the English had lost all their French possessions except +Calais. + +Things went from bad to worse, and, in 1450, Jack Cade headed an +outbreak; but he was slain, and the king showing renewed signs of +intellectual fag, Richard, Duke of York, was talked of as the people's +choice on account of his descent from Edward III. He was for a few days +Protector, but the queen was too strongly opposed to him, and he +resigned. + +[Illustration: RICHARD AND HIS ADHERENTS RAISING AN ARMY FOR THE REDRESS +OF GRIEVANCES.] + +He then raised an army, and in a battle at St. Albans, in 1455, +defeated the royalists, capturing the king. This was the opening of the +War of the Roses,--so called because as badges the Lancastrians wore a +red rose and the Yorkists a white rose. This war lasted over thirty +years, and killed off the nobility like sheep. They were, it is said, +virtually annihilated, and thus a better class of nobility was +substituted. + +The king was restored; but in 1460 there occurred the battle of +Northampton, in which he was defeated and again taken prisoner by the +Earl of Warwick. + +[Illustration: BY REQUEST OF MARGARET, HIS HEAD WAS REMOVED FROM HIS +BODY TO THE GATES OF YORK.] + +Margaret was a woman of great spirit, and when the Duke of York was +given the throne she went to Scotland, and in the battle of Wakefield +her army defeated and captured the duke. At her request he was beheaded, +and his head, ornamented with a paper crown, placed on the gates of +York, as shown in the rather life-like--or death-like--etching on the +preceding page. + +The queen was for a time successful, and her army earned a slight +reputation for cruelty also; but Edward, son of the late Duke of York, +embittered somewhat by the flippant death of his father, was soon +victorious over the Lancastrians, and, in 1461, was crowned King of +England at a good salary, with the use of a large palace and a good well +of water and barn. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY: INTRODUCTION OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY +AID IN THE PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION. + + +Henry VI. left no royal record worth remembering save the establishment +of Eton and King's Colleges. Edward IV., who began his reign in 1461, +was bold and active. Queen Margaret's army of sixty thousand men which +attacked him was defeated and half her forces slaughtered, no quarter +being given. + +His title was now confirmed, and Margaret fled to Scotland. Three years +later she attempted again to secure the throne through the aid of Louis +XI., but failed. Henry, who had been in concealment, was now confined in +the Tower, as shown in the engraving on the following page. + +[Illustration: HENRY VI. IMPRESSED IN THE TOWER.] + +Edward's marriage was not satisfactory, and, as he bestowed all the +offices on his wife's relatives, Warwick deserted him and espoused the +cause of Queen Margaret. + +He had no trouble in raising an army and compelling Edward to flee. +Henry was taken from the Tower and crowned, his rights having been +recognized by Parliament. Warwick and his son-in-law, the Duke of +Clarence, brother to Edward IV., were made regents, therefore, in 1471. +Before the year was out, however, the tables were again turned, and +Henry found himself once more in his old quarters in the Tower. Warwick +was soon defeated and slain, and on the same day Margaret and her son +Edward landed in England. She and Edward were defeated and taken +prisoners at Tewkesbury, and the young prince cruelly put to death by +the Dukes of Clarence and Gloucester, brothers of Edward IV. Margaret +was placed in the Tower, and a day or two after Henry died mysteriously +there, it is presumed at the hands of Gloucester, who was socially an +unpleasant man to meet after dark. + +Margaret died in France, in 1482, and the Lancastrians gave up all hope. +Edward, feeling again secure, at the instigation of his younger +brother, Richard, Duke of Gloucester, caused Clarence, the other +brother, to be put to death, and then began to give his entire attention +to vice, never allowing his reign to get into his rum or interfere with +it. + +He was a very handsome man, but died, in 1483, of what the historian +calls a distemper. Some say he died of heart-failure while sleeping off +an attack of coma. Anyway, he turned up his comatose, as one might say, +and passed on from a spirituous life to a spiritual one, such as it may +be. He was a counterfeit sovereign. + +In 1474 the first book was printed in England, and more attention was +then paid to spelling. William Caxton printed this book,--a work on +chess. The form of the types came from Germany, and was used till James +I. introduced the Roman type. James I. took a great interest in plain +and ornamental job printing, and while trying to pick a calling card out +of the jaws of a crude job-press in the early years of his reign, +contributed a royal thumb to this restless emblem of progress and +civilization. (See next page.) + +[Illustration: JAMES I. CONTRIBUTING HIS MITE TO THE ADVANCEMENT OF +KNOWLEDGE.] + +The War of the Roses having destroyed the nobility, times greatly +improved, and Industry was declared constitutional. + +Edward V. at twelve years of age became king, and his uncle Dick, Duke +of Gloucester, became Protector. As such he was a disgrace, for he +protected nobody but himself. The young king and his brother, the Duke +of York, were placed in the Tower, and their uncle, Lord Hastings, and +several other offensive partisans, on the charge of treason, were +executed in 1483. He then made arrangements that he should be urged to +accept the throne, and with a coy and reluctant grace peculiar to this +gifted assassin, he caused himself to be proclaimed Richard III. + +[Illustration: DEATH OF BUCKINGHAM.] + +Richard then caused the young princes to be smothered in their beds, in +what is now called the Bloody Tower. The Duke of Buckingham was at first +loaded with honors in return for his gory assistance; but even he became +disgusted with the wicked usurper, and headed a Welsh rebellion. He was +not successful, and, in 1483, he received a slight testimonial from the +king, as portrayed by the gifted artist of this work. The surprise and +sorrow shown on the face of the duke, together with his thrift and +economy in keeping his cigar from being spattered, and his determination +that, although he might be put out, the cigar should not be, prove him +to have been a man of great force of character for a duke. + +Richard now espoused his niece, daughter of Edward IV., and in order to +make the home nest perfectly free from social erosion, he caused his +consort, Anne, to be poisoned. Those who believed the climate around the +throne to be bracing and healthful had a chance to change their views in +a land where pea-soup fog can never enter. Anne was the widow of Edward, +whom Richard slew at Tewkesbury. + +[Illustration: STONE COFFIN OF RICHARD III.] + +Every one felt that Richard was a disgrace to the country, and Henry, +Earl of Richmond, succeeded in defeating and slaying the usurper on +Bosworth Field, in 1485, when Henry was crowned on the battle-field. + +Richard was buried at Leicester; but during the reign of Henry VIII., +when the monasteries were destroyed, Richard's body was exhumed and his +stone coffin used for many years in that town as a horse-trough. + +Shakespeare and the historians give an unpleasant impression regarding +Richard's personality; but this was done in the interests of the Tudors, +perhaps. He was highly intelligent, and if he had given less attention +to usurpation, would have been more popular. + +Under the administrations of the houses of Lancaster and York serfdom +was abolished, as the slaves who were armed during the War of the Roses +would not submit again to slavery after they had fought for their +country. + +Agriculture suffered, and some of the poor had to subsist upon acorns +and wild roots. During those days Whittington was thrice Lord Mayor of +London, though at first only a poor boy. Even in the land of lineage +this poor lad, with a cat and no other means of subsistence, won his way +to fame and fortune. + +The manufacture of wool encouraged the growing of sheep, and, in 1455, +silk began to attract attention. + +During his reign Richard had known what it was to need money, and the +rich merchants and pawnbrokers were familiar with his countenance when +he came after office hours to negotiate a small loan. + +[Illustration: RICHARD HAS A CONFERENCE WITH THE MONEY-LENDER.] + +Science spent a great deal of surplus energy experimenting on alchemy, +and the Philosopher's Stone, as well as the Elixir of Life, attracted +much attention; but, as neither of these commodities are now on the +market, it is presumed that they were never successful. + +Printing may be regarded as the most valuable discovery during those +bloody years, showing that Peace hath her victories no less than War, +and from this art came the most powerful and implacable enemy to +Ignorance and its attendant crimes that Progress can call its own. + +No two authors spelled alike at that time, however, and the literature +of the day was characterized by the most startling originality along +that line. + +The drama began to bud, and the chief rôles were taken by the clergy. +They acted Bible scenes interspersed with local witticisms, and often +turned away money. + +Afterwards followed what were called Moral Plays, in which the bad man +always suffered intensely on a small salary. + +The feudal castles disappeared, and new and more airy architecture +succeeded them. A better class of furniture also followed; but it was +very thinly scattered through the rooms, and a person on rising from his +bed in the night would have some difficulty in falling over anything. +Tidies on the chairs were unknown, and there was only tapestry enough to +get along with in a sort of hand-to-mouth way. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE +INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER. + + +[Illustration: RICHARD III.] + +We will now write out a few personal recollections of Richard III. This +great monarch, of whom so much has been said pro and con,--but mostly +con,--was born at Fotheringhay Castle, October 2, 1452, in the presence +of his parents and a physician whose name has at this moment escaped the +treacherous memory of the historian. + +Richard was the son of Richard, Duke of York, and Cecily Neville, +daughter of the Earl of Westmoreland, his father being the legitimate +heir to the throne by descent in the female line, so he was the head of +the Yorkists in the War of the Roses. + +Richard's father, the Duke of York, while struggling one day with Henry +VI., the royal jackass that flourished in 1460, prior to the conquest +of the Fool-Killer, had the misfortune, while trying to wrest the throne +from Henry, to get himself amputated at the second joint. He was brought +home in two pieces, and ceased to draw a salary as a duke from that on. +This cast a gloom over Richard, and inspired in his breast a strong +desire to cut off the heads of a few casual acquaintances. + +He was but eight years of age at this time, and was taken prisoner and +sent to Utrecht, Holland. He was returned in good order the following +year. His elder brother Edward having become king, under the title of +Edward IV., Richard was then made Duke of Gloucester, Lord High Admiral, +Knight of the Garter, and Earl of Balmoral. + +It was at this time that he made the celebrated _bon-mot_ relative to +dogs as pets. + +Having been out the evening before attending a watermelon recital in the +country, and having contributed a portion of his clothing to a +barbed-wire fence and the balance to an open-faced Waterbury bull-dog, +some one asked him what he thought of the dog as a pet. + +Richard drew himself up to his full height, and said that, as a rule, he +favored the dog as a pet, but that the man who got too intimate with the +common low-browed bull-dog of the fifteenth century would find that it +must certainly hurt him in the end. + +[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT TOO INTIMATE WITH THE COMMON LOW-BROWED +BULL-DOG.] + +He resided for several years under the tutelage of the Earl of Warwick, +who was called the "Kingmaker," and afterwards, in 1470, fled to +Flanders, remaining fled for some time. He commanded the van of the +Yorkist army at the battle of Barnet, April 14, 1471, and Tewkesbury, +May 4, fighting gallantly at both places on both sides, it is said, and +admitting it in an article which he wrote for an English magazine. + +He has been accused of having murdered Prince Edward after the battle, +and also his father, Henry VI., in the Tower a few days later, but it is +not known to be a fact. + +Richard was attainted and outlawed by Parliament at one time; but he was +careful about what he ate, and didn't get his feet wet, so, at last, +having a good preamble and constitution, he pulled through. + +He married his own cousin, Anne Neville, who made a first-rate queen. +She got so that it was no trouble at all for her to reign while Dick was +away attending to his large slaughtering interests. + +Richard at this time was made Lord High Constable and Keeper of the +Pound. He was also Justiciary of North Wales, Seneschal of the Duchy of +Lancaster, and Chief of Police on the North Side. + +His brother Clarence was successfully executed for treason in February, +1478, and Richard, without a moment's hesitation, came to the front and +inherited the estates. + +[Illustration: RICHARD HAD A STORMY TIME.] + +Richard had a stormy time of it up to 1481, when he was made "protector +and defender of the realm" early in May. He then proceeded with a few +neglected executions. This list was headed--or rather beheaded--by Lord +Chamberlain Hastings, who tendered his resignation in a pail of saw-dust +soon after Richard became "protector and defender of the realm." Richard +laid claim to the throne in June, on the grounds of the illegitimacy of +his nephews, and was crowned July 6. So was his queen. They sat on this +throne for some time, and each had a sceptre with which to welt their +subjects over the head and keep off the flies in summer. Richard could +wield a sceptre longer and harder, it is said, than any other +middle-weight monarch known to history. The throne used by Richard is +still in existence, and has an aperture in it containing some very old +gin. + +The reason this gin was left, it is said, was that he was suddenly +called away from the throne and never lived to get back. No monarch +should ever leave his throne in too much of a hurry. + +Richard made himself very unpopular in 1485 by his forced loans, as they +were called: a system of assessing a man after dark with a self-cocking +writ and what was known as the headache-stick, a small weapon which was +worn up the sleeve during the day, and which was worn behind the ear by +the loyal subject after nightfall. It was a common sight, so says the +historian, to hear the nightfall and the headache-stick fall at the same +time. + +[Illustration: THEY SAT ON THE THRONE FOR SOME TIME.] + +The queen died in 1485, and Richard thought some of marrying again; but +it got into the newspapers because he thought of it while a +correspondent was going by, who heard it and telegraphed his paper who +the lady was and all about it. This scared Richard out, and he changed +his mind about marrying, concluding, as a mild substitute, to go into +battle at Bosworth and get killed all at once. He did so on the 22d of +August. + +[Illustration: A MILD SUBSTITUTE FOR SECOND MARRIAGE.] + +After his death it was found that he had rolled up his pantaloons above +his knees, so that he would not get gore on them. This custom was +afterwards generally adopted in England. + +He was buried by the nuns of Leicester in their chapel, Richmond then +succeeding him as king. He was buried in the usual manner, and a large +amount of obloquy heaped on him. + +That is one advantage of being great. After one's grave is filled up, +one can have a large three-cornered chunk of obloquy put on the top of +it to mark the spot and keep medical students away of nights. + +Greatness certainly has its drawbacks, as the Duchess of Bloomer once +said to the author, after she had been sitting on a dry-goods box with a +nail in it, and had, therefore, called forth adverse criticism. An +unknown man might have sat on that same dry-goods box and hung on the +same nail till he was black in the face without causing remarks, but +with the Duchess of Bloomer it was different,--oh, so different! + +[Illustration: TOMB OF RICHARD III.] + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD: GENERAL ADMIXTURE OF PRETENDERS, +RELIGION, POLITICS, AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS. + + +As a result of the Bosworth victory, Henry Tudor obtained the use of the +throne from 1485 to 1509. He saw at once by means of an eagle eye that +with the house of York so popular among his people, nothing but a firm +hand and eternal vigilance could maintain his sovereignty. He kept the +young Earl of Warwick, son of the Duke of Clarence, carefully indoors +with massive iron gewgaws attached to his legs, thus teaching him to be +backward about mingling in the false joys of society. + +Henry Tudor is known to history as Henry VII., and caused some adverse +criticism by delaying his nuptials with the Princess Elizabeth, daughter +of Edward IV. + +A pleasing practical joke at this time came near plunging the country +into a bloody war. A rumor having gone forth that the Earl of Warwick +had escaped from the Tower, a priest named Simon instructed a +good-looking young man-about-town named Lambert Simnel to play the +part, landed him in Ireland, and proceeded to call for troops. Strange +to say, in those days almost any pretender with courage stood a good +chance of winning renown or a hospitable grave in this way. But Lambert +was not made of the material generally used in the construction of great +men, and, though he secured quite an army, and the aid of the Earl of +Lincoln and many veteran troops, the first battle closed the comedy, and +the bogus sovereign, too contemptible even to occupy the valuable time +of the hangman, became a scullion in the royal kitchen, while Simon was +imprisoned. + +[Illustration: SIMON, A PRIEST OF OXFORD, TAKES LAMBERT THE PRETENDER TO +IRELAND.] + +For five years things were again dull, but at the end of that period an +understudy for Richard, Duke of York, arose and made pretensions. His +name was Perkin Warbeck, and though the son of a Flemish merchant, he +was a great favorite at social functions and straw rides. He went to +Ireland, where anything in the way of a riot was even then hailed with +delight, and soon the York family and others who cursed the reigning +dynasty flocked to his standard. + +France endorsed him temporarily until Charles became reconciled to +Henry, and then he dropped Perkin like a heated potato. Perk, however, +had been well entertained in Paris as the coming English king, and while +there was not permitted to pay for a thing. He now visited the Duchess +of Burgundy, sister of Edward IV., and made a hit at once. She gave him +the title of The White Rose of England (1493), and he was pleased to +find himself so popular when he might have been measuring molasses in +the obscurity of his father's store. + +Henry now felt quite mortified that he could not produce the evidence of +the murder of the two sons of Edward IV., so as to settle this gay +young pretender; but he did not succeed in finding the remains, though +they were afterwards discovered under the staircase of the White Tower, +and buried in Westminster Abbey, where the floor is now paved with +epitaphs, and where economy and grief are better combined, perhaps, than +elsewhere in the world, the floor and tombstone being happily united, +thus, as it were, killing two birds with one stone. + +But how sad it is to-day to contemplate the situation occupied by Henry, +forced thus to rummage the kingdom for the dust of two murdered princes, +that he might, by unearthing a most wicked crime, prevent the success of +a young pretender, and yet fearing to do so lest he might call the +attention of the police to the royal record of homicide, regicide, +fratricide, and germicide! + +Most cruel of all this sad history, perhaps, was the execution of +Stanley, the king's best friend in the past, who had saved his life in +battle and crowned him at Bosworth. In an unguarded moment he had said +that were he sure the young man was as he claimed, King Edward's son, +he--Stanley--would not fight against him. For this purely unpartisan +remark he yielded up his noble life in 1495. + +Warbeck for some time went about trying to organize cheap insurrections, +with poor success until he reached Scotland, where James IV. endorsed +him, and told him to have his luggage sent up to the castle. James also +presented his sister Catherine as a spouse to the giddy young scion of +the Flemish calico counter. James also assisted Perkin, his new +brother-in-law, in an invasion of England, which failed, after which the +pretender gave himself up. He was hanged amid great applause at Tyburn, +and the Earl of Warwick, with whom he had planned to escape, was +beheaded at Tower Hill. Thus, in 1499, perished the last of the +Plantagenets of the male kind. + +Henry hated war, not because of its cruelty and horrors, but because it +was expensive. He was one of the most parsimonious of kings, and often +averted war in order to prevent the wear and tear on the cannon. He +managed to acquire two million pounds sterling from the reluctant +tax-payer, yet no monarch ever received such a universal consent when he +desired to pass away. If any regret was felt anywhere, it was so deftly +concealed that his death, to all appearance, gave general and complete +satisfaction. + +[Illustration: A RELUCTANT TAX-PAYER.] + +After a reign of twenty-four years he was succeeded by his second son, +Henry, in 1509, the elder son, Arthur, having died previously. + +It was during the reign of Henry VII. that John and Sebastian Cabot were +fitted out and discovered North America in 1497, which paved the way +for the subsequent depopulation of Africa, Italy, and Ireland. South +America had been discovered the year before by Columbus. Henry VII. was +also the father of the English navy. + +The accession of Henry VIII. was now hailed with great rejoicing. He was +but eighteen years of age, but handsome and smart. He soon married +Catherine of Aragon, the widow of his brother Arthur. She was six years +his senior, and he had been betrothed to her under duress at his +eleventh year. + +A very fine snap-shot reproduction of Henry VIII. and Catherine in +holiday attire, from an old daguerreotype in the author's possession, +will be found upon the following page. + +[Illustration: HENRY VIII. AND CATHERINE.] + +Henry VIII. ordered his father's old lawyers, Empson and Dudley, tried +and executed for being too diligent in business. He sent an army to +recover the lost English possessions in France, but in this was +unsuccessful. He then determined to organize a larger force, and so he +sent to Calais fifty thousand men, where they were joined by Maximilian. +In the battle which soon followed with the French cavalry, they lost +their habitual _sang-froid_ and most of their hand-baggage in a wild and +impetuous flight. It is still called the Battle of the Spurs. This was +in 1513. + +In the report of the engagement sent to the king, nothing was said of +the German emperor for the reason, as was said by the commander, "that +he does not desire notice, and, in fact, Maximilian objections to the +use of his name." This remark still furnishes food for thought on rainy +days at Balmoral, and makes the leaden hours go gayly by. + +During the year 1513 the Scots invaded England under James, but though +their numbers were superior, they were sadly defeated at Flodden Field, +and when the battle was over their king and the flower of their nobility +lay dead upon the scene. + +[Illustration: WOLSEY OUTSHINES THE KING.] + +Wolsey, who was made cardinal in 1515 by the Pope, held a tremendous +influence over the young king, and indirectly ruled the country. He +ostensibly presented a humble demeanor, but in his innermost soul he was +the haughtiest human being that ever concealed beneath the cloak of +humility an inflexible, tough, and durable heart. + +On the death of Maximilian, Henry had some notion of preëmpting the +vacant throne, but soon discovered that Charles V. of Spain had a prior +lien to the same, and thus, in 1520, this new potentate became the +greatest power in the civilized world. It is hard to believe in the +nineteenth or twentieth century that Spain ever had any influence with +anybody of sound mind, but such the veracious historian tells us was +once the case. + +Francis, the French king, was so grieved and mortified over the success +of his Spanish rival that he turned to Henry for comfort, and at +Calais the two disgruntled monarchs spent a fortnight jousting, +tourneying, in-falling, out-falling, merry-making, swashbuckling, and +general acute gastritis. + +[Illustration: THE FIELD OF THE CLOTH OF GOLD.] + +It was a magnificent meeting, however, Wolsey acting as costumer, and +was called "The Field of the Cloth of Gold." Large, portly men with +whiskers wore purple velvet opera-cloaks trimmed with fur, and +Gainsborough hats with ostrich feathers worth four pounds apiece +(sterling). These corpulent warriors, who at Calais shortly before had +run till overtaken by nervous prostration and general debility, now wore +more millinery and breastpins and slashed velvet and satin facings and +tinsel than the most successful and highly painted and decorated +courtesans of that period. + +The treaty here made with so much pyrotechnical display and _éclat_ and +hand-embroidery was soon broken, Charles having caught the ear of Wolsey +with a promise of the papal throne upon the death of Leo X., which event +he joyfully anticipated. + +Henry, in 1521, scored a triumph and earned the title of Defender of the +Faith by writing a defence of Catholicism in answer to an article +written by Martin Luther attacking it. Leo died soon after, and, much to +the chagrin of Wolsey, was succeeded by Adrian VI. + +[Illustration: HENRY WRITES A TREATISE IN DEFENCE OF THE CATHOLIC +CHURCH.] + +War was now waged with France by the new alliance of Spain and +England; but success waited not upon the English arms, while, worse than +all, the king was greatly embarrassed for want of more scudii. Nothing +can be more pitiful, perhaps, than a shabby king waiting till all his +retainers have gone away before he dare leave the throne, fearing that +his threadbare retreat may not be protected. Henry tried to wring +something from Parliament, but without success, even aided by that +practical apostle of external piety and internal intrigue, Wolsey. The +latter, too, had a second bitter disappointment in the election of +Clement VII. to succeed Adrian, and as this was easily traced to the +chicanery of the emperor, who had twice promised the portfolio of +pontiff to Wolsey, the latter determined to work up another union +between Henry and France in 1523. + +War, however, continued for some time with Francis, till, in 1525, he +was defeated and taken prisoner. This gave Henry a chance to figure with +the queen regent, the mother of Francis, and a pleasant treaty was made +in 1526. The Pope, too, having been captured by the emperor, Henry and +Francis agreed to release and restore him or perish on the spot. Quite a +well-written and beguiling account of this alliance, together with the +Anne Boleyn affair, will be found in the succeeding chapter. + +[Illustration: CHARLES II. CONCEALED IN THE "ROYAL OAK," WHILE HIS +PURSUERS PASSED UNDER HIM (1651).] + +[Illustration: OLIVER CROMWELL IN DISSOLVING PARLIAMENT SEIZED THE MACE, +EXCLAIMING, "TAKE AWAY THIS BAUBLE!" (1653).] + +[Illustration: A BOOK ENTITLED "KILLING NO MURDER", BOLDLY ADVISING THE +REMOVAL OF THE USURPER, CAUSED CROMWELL CEASELESS ANXIETY (1658).] + +[Illustration: HENRY VIII. PLUNDERING THE CHURCHES AND MONASTERIES OF +THEIR POSSESSIONS.] + +[Illustration: AFTER THE DEATH OF JANE SEYMOUR, HENRY VIII. TURNED HIS +ATTENTION TO THE SELECTION OF A NEW QUEEN, DECIDING ON ANNE OF CLEVES, A +PROTESTANT PRINCESS WITH WHOSE PORTRAIT HE HAD BEEN HIGHLY PLEASED. THE +ORIGINAL SO GREATLY DISAPPOINTED HIM THAT HE SOON DIVORCED HER.] + +[Illustration: EDWARD VI., SUCCESSOR TO HENRY VIII., AETAT. TEN YEARS, +WHOSE ATTENTION TO HIS STUDIES AND THE GENTLENESS OF HIS DISPOSITION +MADE HIM MUCH BELOVED (1547-53).] + +[Illustration: THE GREAT INFLUX OF GOLD AND SILVER FROM THE NEW WORLD +CAUSED AN INCREASE IN THE PRICE OF COMMODITIES (1549).] + +[Illustration: THE CHERISHED OBJECT OF MARY WAS TO RESTORE THE CATHOLIC +RELIGION, AND HER CHIEF COUNSELLORS WERE BISHOPS GARDINER AND BONNER +(1554).] + +[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH (1558-1603).] + +[Illustration: SIR WALTER RALEIGH.] + +[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH SIGNING THE DEATH-WARRANT OF MARY QUEEN +OF SCOTS, 1587.] + +[Illustration: DEATH OF QUEEN ELIZABETH, MARCH 24, 1603. FOR TEN DAYS +PREVIOUS TO HER DEATH SHE LAY UPON THE FLOOR SUPPORTED BY CUSHIONS.] + +[Illustration: DISCOVERY OF THE GUNPOWDER PLOT (1605).] + +[Illustration: EFFIGY OF GUY FAWKES.] + +[Illustration: THE SCOTCH COULD NOT ENDURE ARCHBISHOP LAUD'S RITUALISTIC +PRACTICES, AND JENNY GEDDES THREW A STOOL AT HIS HEAD.] + +[Illustration: SIR WALTER RALEIGH, AT HIS EXECUTION, ASKED TO EXAMINE +THE AXE. HE POISED IT, AND RUNNING HIS THUMB ALONG THE EDGE, SAID, WITH +A SMILE, "THIS IS SHARP MEDICINE," ETC. (1618).] + +[Illustration: PRINCE CHARLES AND BUCKINGHAM TRAVEL TO SPAIN IN +DISGUISE, SO THAT THE FORMER MIGHT PAY HIS ADDRESSES IN PERSON TO THE +INFANTA.] + +[Illustration: CHARLES I. FORCED TO GIVE HIS ASSENT TO THE "PETITION OF +EIGHTS" (1628).] + +[Illustration: OLIVER CROMWELL.] + +[Illustration: EARL OF STRAFFORD RECEIVING LAUD'S BLESSING ON THE WAY +TO EXECUTION (1641).] + +[Illustration: SAMPLE PAGE OF ROUNDHEADS (1642).] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Comic History of England, by Bill Nye + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11138 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..45fff9b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11138 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11138) diff --git a/old/11138-8.txt b/old/11138-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8674890 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11138-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3639 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Comic History of England, by Bill Nye + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Comic History of England + +Author: Bill Nye + +Release Date: February 18, 2004 [EBook #11138] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Linda Cantoni and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +[Illustration: LANDING OF THE ROMANS 54 B.C.] + + + +Bill Nye's + +Comic History of England + + + +HEREIN WILL BE FOUND A RECITAL OF THE MANY EVENTFUL EVENTS WHICH +TRANSPIRED IN ENGLAND FROM THE DRUIDS TO HENRY VIII. THE AUTHOR DOES NOT +FEEL IT INCUMBENT ON HIM TO PRESERVE MORE THAN THE DATES AND FACTS, AND +THESE ARE CORRECT, BUT THE LIGHTS AND SHADES OF THE VARIOUS PICTURES AND +THE ORNAMENTAL WORDS FURNISHED TO ADORN THE CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ARE +THE SOLE INVENTION OF THIS HISTORIAN. + + +[Illustration: KING RICHARD TRAVELING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY.] + + +ILLUSTRATED BY + +W.W. GOODES & A.M. RICHARDS + + + +1896 + + + + +PREFACE. + + +The readers of this volume will share our regret that the preface cannot +be written by Mr. Nye, who would have introduced his volume with a +characteristically appropriate and humorous foreword in perfect harmony +with the succeeding narrative. + +We need only say that this work is in the author's best vein, and will +prove not only amusing, but instructive as well; for the events, +successions, dates, etc., are correct, and the trend of actual facts is +adhered to. Of course, these facts are "embellished," as Mr. Nye would +say, by his fancy, and the leading historical characters are made to +play in fantastic _rôles_. Underneath all, however, a shrewd knowledge +of human nature is betrayed, which unmasks motives and reveals the true +inwardness of men and events with a humorous fidelity. + +The unfortunate illness to which Mr. Nye finally succumbed prevented the +completion of his history beyond the marriage of Henry VIII. to Anne +Boleyn. + +[Illustration: LANDING OF WILLIAM, PRINCE OF ORANGE, AT TORBAY +(1688).] + + + +TABLE OF CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. + +INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF +BRITAIN + +CHAPTER II. + +THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL +ELIMINATION + +CHAPTER III. + +THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF +BRITAIN ON NEW LINES + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE INFLUX OF THE DANES: FACTS SHOWING CONCLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON +THE BRITON OF TO-DAY + +CHAPTER V. + +THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO +TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING CHRONIC USURPATION +PROCLIVITIES + +CHAPTER VII. + +OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS: FOREIGN FOIBLES INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE +EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND +IMPLACABLE DISCORD + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR +RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES + +CHAPTER X. + +THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS, +FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD + +CHAPTER XI + +CONQUEST OF IRELAND: UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF +AN ACQUISITORIAL PROPENSITY + +CHAPTER XII. + +MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED: SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING +AN UNPOPULAR AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE + +CHAPTER XIII. + +FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED: ILLUSTRATING THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW +AND THE PERVERSITY OF THE SCOT + +CHAPTER XIV. + +IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH: INTERMINABLE DISSENSION, ASSISTED BY THE +PLAGUE, CONTINUES REDUCING THE POPULATION + +CHAPTER XV. + +MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS: ONWARD MARCH OF CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY +DELINEATED WITH THE HISTORIAN'S USUAL COMPLETENESS + +CHAPTER XVI. + +UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY: INTRODUCTION OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY +AID IN THE PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION + +CHAPTER XVII. + +BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE +INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD: GENERAL ADMIXTURE OF PRETENDERS, +RELIGION, POLITICS, AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS + + + + +[Illustration: THE DEATH OF MARY REVIVED THE HOPES OF THE +FRIENDS OF JAMES II., AND CONSPIRACIES WERE FORMED.] + +[Illustration: DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.] + +[Illustration: GEORGE FOX.] + +[Illustration: GENERAL BANKRUPTCY AND RUIN FOLLOWED THE CLOSING OF THE +EXCHEQUER OR TREASURY BY CHARLES II. (1672).] + +[Illustration: CHARLES II.] + +[Illustration: DUKE OF MONMOUTH IMPLORING FORGIVENESS OF JAMES II. +(1685).] + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF +BRITAIN. + + +[Illustration: BUST OF CAESAR.] + +From the glad whinny of the first unicorn down to the tip end of the +nineteenth century, the history of Great Britain has been dear to her +descendants in every land, 'neath every sky. + +But to write a truthful and honest history of any country the historian +should, that he may avoid overpraise and silly and mawkish sentiment, +reside in a foreign country, or be so situated that he may put on a +false moustache and get away as soon as the advance copies have been +sent to the printers. + +The writer of these pages, though of British descent, will, in what he +may say, guard carefully against permitting that fact to swerve him for +one swift moment from the right. + +England even before Christ, as now, was a sort of money centre, and +thither came the Phoenicians and the Carthaginians for their tin. + +[Illustration: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN IN BRITAIN.] + +[Illustration: CAESAR CROSSING THE CHANNEL.] + +These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from +that, they had no good points. They dwelt in mud huts thatched with +straw. They had no currency and no ventilation,--no drafts, in other +words. Their boats were made of wicker-work plastered with clay. Their +swords were made of tin alloyed with copper, and after a brief skirmish, +the entire army had to fall back and straighten its blades. + +They also had short spears made with a rawhide string attached, so that +the deadly weapon could be jerked back again. To spear an enemy with +one of these harpoons, and then, after playing him for half an hour or +so, to land him and finish him up with a tin sword, constituted one of +the most reliable boons peculiar to that strange people. + +[Illustration: CAESAR TREATING WITH THE BRITONS.] + +Caesar first came to Great Britain on account of a bilious attack. On +the way across the channel a violent storm came up. The great emperor +and pantata believed he was drowning, so that in an instant's time +everything throughout his whole lifetime recurred to him as he went +down,--especially his breakfast. + +Purchasing a four-in-hand of docked unicorns, and much improved in +health, he returned to Rome. + +Agriculture had a pretty hard start among these people, and where now +the glorious fields of splendid pale and billowy oatmeal may be seen +interspersed with every kind of domestic and imported fertilizer in +cunning little hillocks just bursting forth into fragrance by the +roadside, then the vast island was a quaking swamp or covered by +impervious forests of gigantic trees, up which with coarse and shameless +glee would scamper the nobility. + +(Excuse the rhythm into which I may now and then drop as the plot +develops.--AUTHOR.) + +Caesar later on made more invasions: one of them for the purpose of +returning his team and flogging a Druid with whom he had disagreed +religiously on a former trip. (He had also bought his team of the +Druid.) + +The Druids were the sheriffs, priests, judges, chiefs of police, +plumbers, and justices of the peace. + +[Illustration: PLOUGHING 51 B.C.] + +They practically ran the place, and no one could be a Druid who could +not pass a civil service examination. + +[Illustration: DRUID SACRIFICES.] + +They believed in human sacrifice, and often of a bright spring morning +could have been seen going out behind the bush to sacrifice some one who +disagreed with them on some religious point or other. + +The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the +winter. They worshipped almost everything that had been left out +overnight, and their motto was, "Never do anything unless you feel like +it very much indeed." + +Caesar was a broad man from a religious point of view, and favored +bringing the Druids before the grand jury. For uttering such sentiments +as these the Druids declared his life to be forfeit, and set one of +their number to settle also with him after morning services the question +as to the matter of immersion and sound money. + +Religious questions were even then as hotly discussed as in later times, +and Caesar could not enjoy society very much for five or six days. + +[Illustration: MONUMENT OF AGRICULTURE, OR ANCIENT SCARECROW.] + +At Stonehenge there are still relics of a stone temple which the Druids +used as a place of idolatrous worship and assassination. On Giblet Day +people came for many miles to see the exercises and carry home a few +cutlets of intimate friends. + +After this Rome sent over various great Federal appointees to soften and +refine the people. Among them came General Agricola with a new kind of +seed-corn and kindness in his heart. + +[Illustration: AGRICOLA ENCOURAGES AGRICULTURE.] + +He taught the barefooted Briton to go out to the pump every evening and +bathe his chapped and soil-kissed feet and wipe them on the grass before +retiring, thus introducing one of the refinements of Rome in this cold +and barbaric clime. + +Along about the beginning of the Christian "Erie," says an elderly +Englishman, the Queen Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans who +carried on there in England just as they had been in the habit of doing +at home,--cutting up like a hallowe'en party in its junior year,--that +she got her Britons together, had a steel dress made to fight in +comfortably and not tight under the arms, then she said, "Is there any +one here who hath a culverin with him?" One was soon found and fired. +This by the Romans was regarded as an opening of hostilities. Her fire +was returned with great eagerness, and victory was won in the city of +London over the Romans, who had taunted the queen several times with +being seven years behind the beginning of the Christian Era in the +matter of clothes. + +[Illustration: ROMAN COAT OF ARMS.] + +Boadicea won victories by the score, and it is said that under the besom +of her wrath seventy thousand Roman warriors kissed the dust. As she +waved her sceptre in token of victory the hat-pin came out of her crown, +and wildly throwing the "old hot thing" at the Roman general, she missed +him and unhorsed her own chaperon. + +Disgusted with war and the cooking they were having at the time, she +burst into tears just on the eve of a general victory over the Romans +and poisoned herself. + +[Illustration: DEATH OF BOADICEA.] + +N.B.--Many thanks are due to the author, Mr. A. Barber, for the use of +his works entitled "Half-Hours with Crowned Heads" and "Thoughts on +Shaving Dead People on Whom One Has Never Called," cloth, gilt top. + +I notice an error in the artist's work which will be apparent to any one +of moderate intelligence, and especially to the Englishman,--viz., that +the tin discovered by the Phoenicians is in the form of cans, etc., +formerly having contained tinned meats, fruits, etc. This book, I fear, +will be sharply criticised in England if any inaccuracy be permitted to +creep in, even through the illustrations. It is disagreeable to fall out +thus early with one's artist, but the writer knows too well, and the +sting yet burns and rankles in his soul where pierced the poisoned dart +of an English clergyman two years ago. The writer had spoken of Julius +Caesar's invasion of Britain for the purpose of replenishing the Roman +stock of umbrellas, top-coats, and "loydies," when the clergyman said, +politely but very firmly, "that England then had no top-coats or +umbrellas." The writer would not have cared, had there not been others +present. + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL +ELIMINATION. + + +Agricola no doubt made the Roman yoke easier upon the necks of the +conquered people, and suggested the rotation of crops. He also invaded +Caledonia and captured quite a number of Scotchmen, whom he took home +and domesticated. + +Afterwards, in 121 A.D., the emperor Hadrian was compelled to build a +wall to keep out the still unconquered Caledonians. This is called the +"Picts' Wall," and a portion of it still exists. Later, in 208 A.D., +Severus built a solid wall of stone along this line, and for seventy +years there was peace between the two nations. + +Towards the end of the third century Carausius, who was appointed to the +thankless task of destroying the Saxon pirates, shook off his allegiance +to the emperor Diocletian, joined the pirates and turned out Diocletian, +usurping the business management of Britain for some years. But, alas! +he was soon assassinated by one of his own officers before he could +call for help, and the assassin succeeded him. In those days +assassination and inauguration seemed to go hand-in-hand. + +[Illustration: ASSASSINATION OF CARAUSIUS.] + +After Constantius, who died 306 A.D., came Constantine the Great, his +son by a British princess. + +Under Constantine peace again reigned, but the Irish, who desired to +free Ireland even if they had to go abroad and neglect their business +for that purpose, used to invade Constantine's territory, getting him up +at all hours of the night and demanding that he should free Ireland. + +These men were then called Picts, hence the expression "picked men." +They annoyed Constantine by coming over and trying to introduce Home +Rule into the home of the total stranger. + +The Scots also made turbulent times by harassing Constantine and seeking +to introduce their ultra-religious belief at the muzzle of the crossgun. + +Trouble now came in the latter part of the fourth century A.D., caused +by the return of the regular Roman army, which went back to Rome to +defend the Imperial City from the Goths who sought to "stable their +stock in the palace of the Caesars," as the historian so tersely puts +it. + +[Illustration: THE PICTS INCULCATING HOME RULE PRINCIPLES.] + +In 418 A.D., the Roman forces came up to London for the summer, and +repelled the Scots and Picts, but soon returned to Rome, leaving the +provincial people of London with disdain. Many of the Roman officers +while in Britain had their clothes made in Rome, and some even had their +linen returned every thirty days and washed in the Tiber. + +[Illustration: IRRITABILITY OF THE BARBARIAN.] + +In 446 A.D., the Britons were extremely unhappy. "The barbarians throw +us into the sea and the sea returns us to the barbarians," they +ejaculated in their petition to the conquering Romans. But the latter +were too busy fighting the Huns to send troops, and in desperation the +Britons formed an alliance with Hengist and Horsa, two Saxon travelling +men who, in 449 A.D., landed on the island of Thanet, and thus ended the +Roman dominion over Britain. + +[Illustration: LANDING OF HENGIST AND HORSA.] + +The Saxons were at that time a coarse people. They did not allow +etiquette to interfere with their methods of taking refreshment, and, +though it pains the historian at all times to speak unkindly of his +ancestors who have now passed on to their reward, he is compelled to +admit that as a people the Saxons may be truly characterized as a great +National Appetite. + +During the palmy days when Rome superintended the collecting of customs +and regulated the formation of corporations, the mining and smelting of +iron were extensively carried on and the "walking delegate" was +invented. The accompanying illustration shows an ancient strike. + +[Illustration: DISCOMFORTS OF THE EARLY LABOR AGITATOR.] + +Rome no doubt did much for England, for at that time the Imperial City +had 384 streets, 56,567 palaces, 80 golden statues, 2785 bronze statues +of former emperors and officers, 41 theatres, 2291 prisons, and 2300 +perfumery stores. She was in the full flood of her prosperity, and had +about 4,000,000 inhabitants. + +In those days a Roman Senator could not live on less than $80,000 per +year, and Marcus Antonius, who owed $1,500,000 on his inaugural, March +15, paid it up March 17, and afterwards cleared $720,000,000. This he +did by the strictest economy, which he managed to have attended to by +the peasantry. + +Even a literary man in Rome could amass property, and Seneca died worth +$12,000,000. Those were the flush times in Rome, and England no doubt +was greatly benefited thereby; but, alas! "money matters became scarce," +and the poor Briton was forced to associate with the delirium tremens +and massive digestion of the Saxon, who floated in a vast ocean of lard +and wassail during his waking hours and slept with the cunning little +piglets at night. His earthen floors were carpeted with straw and +frescoed with bones. + +Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our ancestors, whose lives +were marked by an eternal combat between malignant alcoholism and +trichinosis. Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but +wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it. + +[Illustration: THE SAXON IDEA OF HEAVEN.] + +To drink from the skulls of their dead enemies was a part of their +religion, and there were no heretics among them.[A] + +[Footnote A: The artist has very ably shown here a devoted little band +of Saxons holding services in a basement. In referring to it as +"abasement," not the slightest idea of casting contumely or obloquy on +our ancestors is intended by the humble writer of pungent but sometimes +unpalatable truth.] + +Christianity was introduced into Britain during the second century, and +later under Diocletian the Christians were greatly persecuted. +Christianity did not come from Rome, it is said, but from Gaul. Among +the martyrs in those early days was St. Alban, who had been converted by +a fugitive priest. The story of his life and death is familiar. + +The Bible had been translated, and in 314 A.D. Britain had three +Bishops, viz., of London, Lincoln, and York. + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF +BRITAIN ON NEW LINES. + + +With the landing of Hengist and Horsa English history really begins, for +Caesar's capture of the British Isles was of slight importance viewed in +the light of fast-receding centuries. There is little to-day in the +English character to remind one of Caesar, who was a volatile and +epileptic emperor with massive and complicated features. + +The rich warm blood of the Roman does not mantle in the cheek of the +Englishman of the present century to any marked degree. The Englishman, +aping the reserve and hauteur of Boston, Massachusetts, is, in fact, the +diametrical antipode of the impulsive, warm-hearted, and garlic-imbued +Roman who revels in assassination and gold ear-bobs. + +The beautiful daughter of Hengist formed an alliance with Vortigern, the +royal foreman of Great Britain,--a plain man who was very popular in the +alcoholic set and generally subject to violent lucid intervals which +lasted until after breakfast; but the Saxons broke these up, it is said, +and Rowena encouraged him in his efforts to become his own worst enemy, +and after two or three patent-pails-full of wassail would get him to +give her another county or two, until soon the Briton saw that the Saxon +had a mortgage on the throne, and after it was too late, he said that +immigration should have been restricted. + +[Illustration: ROWENA CAPTIVATES VORTIGERN.] + +Kent became the first Saxon kingdom, and remained a powerful state for +over a century. + +More Saxons now came, and brought with them yet other Saxons with yet +more children, dogs, vodka, and thirst. The breath of a Saxon in a +cucumber-patch would make a peck of pickles per moment. + +The Angles now came also and registered at the leading hotels. They were +destined to introduce the hyphen on English soil, and plant the orchards +on whose ancestral branches should ultimately hang the Anglo-Saxon race, +the progenitors of the eminent aristocracy of America. + +Let the haughty, purse-proud American--in whose warm life current one +may trace the unmistakable strains of bichloride of gold and +trichinae--pause for one moment to gaze at the coarse features and +bloodshot eyes of his ancestors, who sat up at nights drenching their +souls in a style of nepenthe that it is said would remove moths, tan, +freckles, and political disabilities. + +[Illustration: ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT, PROCLAIMED "BRETWALDA."] + +The seven states known as the Saxon Heptarchy were formed in the sixth +and seventh centuries, and the rulers of these states were called +"Bretwaldas," or Britain-wielders. Ethelbert, King of Kent, was +Bretwalda for fifty years, and liked it first-rate. + +[Illustration: AUGUSTINE KINDLY RECEIVED BY ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT.] + +A very good picture is given here showing the coronation of Ethelbert, +copied from an old tin-type now in the possession of an aged and +somewhat childish family in Philadelphia who descended from Ethelbert +and have made no effort to conceal it. + +Here also the artist has shown us a graphic picture of Ethelbert +supported by his celebrated ingrowing moustache receiving Augustine. +They both seem pleased to form each other's acquaintance, and the +greeting is a specially appetizing one to the true lover of Art for +Art's sake. + +For over one hundred and fifty years the British made a stubborn +resistance to the encroachments of these coarse people, but it was +ineffectual. Their prowess, along with a massive appetite and other hand +baggage, soon overran the land of Albion. Everywhere the rude warriors +of northern Europe wiped the dressing from their coarse red whiskers on +the snowy table-cloth of the Briton. + +[Illustration: THEY WIPED THEIR COARSE RED WHISKERS ON THE SNOWY +TABLE-CLOTH.] + +In West Wales, or Dumnonia, was the home of King Arthur, so justly +celebrated in song and story. Arthur was more interesting to the poet +than the historian, and probably as a champion of human rights and a +higher civilization should stand in that great galaxy occupied by Santa +Claus and Jack the Giant-Killer. + +The Danes or Jutes joined the Angles also at this time, and with the +Saxons spread terror, anarchy, and common drunks all over Albion. Those +who still claim that the Angles were right Angles are certainly +ignorant of English history. They were obtuse Angles, and when bedtime +came and they tried to walk a crack, the historian, in a spirit of +mischief, exclaims that they were mostly a pack of Isosceles Try Angles, +but this doubtless is mere badinage. + +They were all savages, and their religion was entirely unfit for +publication. Socially they were coarse and repulsive. Slaves did the +housework, and serfs each morning changed the straw bedding of the lord +and drove the pigs out of the boudoir. The pig was the great social +middle class between the serf and the nobility: for the serf slept with +the pig by day, and the pig slept with the nobility at night. + +And yet they were courageous to a degree (the Saxons, not the pigs). +They were fearless navigators and reckless warriors. Armed with their +rude meat-axes and one or two Excalibars, they would take something in +the way of a tonic and march right up to the mouth of the great Thomas +catapult, or fall in the moat with a courage that knew not, recked not +of danger. + +Christianity was first preached in Great Britain in 597 A.D., at the +suggestion of Gregory, afterwards Pope, who by chance saw some Anglican +youths exposed for sale in Rome. They were fine-looking fellows, and the +good man pitied their benighted land. Thus the Roman religion was +introduced into England, and was first to turn the savage heart towards +God. + +[Illustration: EGBERT GAINS A GREAT VICTORY OVER THE FRENCH INVADERS.] + +Augustine was very kindly received by Ethelbert, and invited up to the +house. Augustine met with great success, for the king experienced +religion and was baptized, after which many of his subjects repented and +accepted salvation on learning that it was free. As many as ten thousand +in one day were converted, and Augustine was made Archbishop of +Canterbury. On a small island in the Thames he built a church dedicated +to St. Peter, where now is Westminster Abbey, a prosperous sanctuary +entirely out of debt. + +The history of the Heptarchy is one of murder, arson, rapine, assault +and battery, breach of the peace, petty larceny, and the embezzlement of +the enemy's wife. + +In 827, Egbert, King of Wessex and Duke of Shandygaff, conquered all his +foes and became absolute ruler of England (Land of the Angles). Taking +charge of this angular kingdom, he established thus the mighty country +which now rules the world in some respects, and which is so greatly +improved socially since those days. + +Two distinguished scholars flourished in the eighth century, Bede and +Alcuin. They at once attracted attention by being able to read coarse +print at sight. Bede wrote the Ecclesiastical History of the Angles. It +is out of print now. Alcuin was a native of York, and with the aid of a +lump of chalk and the side of a vacant barn could figure up things and +add like everything. Students flocked to him from all over the country, +and matriculated by the dozen. If he took a fancy to a student, he would +take him away privately and show him how to read. + +The first literary man of note was a monk of Whitby named Caedmon, who +wrote poems on biblical subjects when he did not have to monk. His works +were greatly like those of Milton, and especially like "Paradise Lost," +it is said. + +Gildas was the first historian of Britain, and the scathing remarks +made about his fellow-countrymen have never been approached by the most +merciless of modern historians. + +The book was highly interesting, and it is a wonder that some +enterprising American publisher has not appropriated it, as the author +is now extremely dead. + +[Illustration: A DISCIPLE OF THE LIQUID RELIGION PRACTISED BY THE +SAXON.] + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +THE INFLUX OF THE DANES: FACTS SHOWING CONCLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON +THE BRITON OF TO-DAY. + + +And now, having led the eager student up to the year 827 A.D., let us +take him forward from the foundation of the English monarchy to the days +of William the Conqueror, 1066. + +Egbert, one of the kings of Wessex, reigned practically over Roman +Britain when the country was invaded by the Northmen (Swedes, +Norwegians, and Danes), who treated the Anglo-Saxon as the Anglo-Saxon +had formerly treated the poor Briton. + +These Northmen were rather coarse people, and even put the Anglo-Saxons +to the blush sometimes. They exercised vigorously, and thus their +appetites were sharp enough to cut a hair. They at first came in the +capacity of pirates,--sliding stealthily into isolated coast settlements +on Saturday evening and eating up the Sunday victuals, capturing the +girls of the Bible-class and sailing away. But later they came as +conquerors, and boarded with the peasantry permanently. + +Egbert formed an alliance with his old enemies, the Welsh, and gained a +great victory over the Northmen; but when he died and left Ethelwolf, +his son, in charge of the throne, he made a great mistake. Ethelwolf was +a poor king, "being given more to religious exercises than reigning," +says the historian. He would often exhibit his piety in order to draw +attention away from His Royal Incompetency. He was not the first or last +to smother the call to duty under the cry of Hallelujah. Like the little +steamer engine with the big whistle, when he whistled the boat stopped. +He did not have a boiler big enough to push the great ship of state and +shout Amen at the same time. + +Ethelwolf defeated the enemy in one great battle, but too late to +prevent a hold-up upon the island of Thanet, and afterwards at Shippey, +near London, where the enemy settled himself. + +Yet Ethelwolf made a pilgrimage to Rome with Alfred, then six years old +(A.D. 855). He was gone a year, during which time very little reigning +was done at home, and the Northmen kept making treaties and coming over +in larger droves. + +Ethelwolf visited Charles the Bald of France at this time, and married +his daughter Judith incidentally. Ethelwolf's eldest son died during the +king's absence, and was succeeded as eldest son by Ethelbald +(heir-apparent, though he had no hair apparent), who did not recognize +the old gentleman or allow him to be seated on his own throne when he +came back; but Ethelwolf gave the naughty Ethelbald the western half of +the kingdom rather than have trouble. But Baldy died, and was succeeded +by Ethelbert, who died six years later, and Ethelred, in 866, took +charge till 871, when he died of a wound received in battle and closed +out the Ethel business to Alfred. + +The Danes had meantime rifled the country with their cross-guns and +killed Edmund, the good king of East Anglia, who was afterwards +canonized, though gunpowder had not then been invented. + +Alfred was not only a godly king, but had a good education, and was a +great admirer of Dickens and Thackeray. (This is put in as a titbit for +the critic.) + +He preferred literature to the plaudits of the nobility and the +sedentary life on a big white-oak throne. On the night before his +coronation his pillow was wet with tears. + +And in the midst of it all here came the Danes wearing heavy woollen +clothes and introducing their justly celebrated style of honest sweat. + +Alfred fought as many as eight battles with them in one year. They +agreed at last to accept such portions of the country as were assigned +them, but they were never known to abide by any treaty, and they put +the red man of America to shame as prevaricators. + +Thus, by 878, the wretched Saxons were at their wit's end, and have +never been able to take a joke since at less than thirty days. + +Some fled to Wales and perished miserably trying to pronounce the names +of their new post-office addresses. + +[Illustration: ALFRED, DISGUISED AS A GLEEMAN, IS INTRODUCED TO +GUTHRUN.] + +Here Alfred's true greatness stood him in good stead. He secured a +number of reliable retainers and camped in the swamps of Somersetshire, +where he made his head-quarters on account of its inaccessibility, and +then he made raids on the Danes. Of course he had to live roughly, and +must deny himself his upright piano for his country's good. + +In order to obtain a more thorough knowledge of the Danes and their +number, he disguised himself as a harper, or portable orchestra, and +visited the Danish camp, where he was introduced to Guthrun and was +invited to a banquet, where he told several new anecdotes, and spoke in +such a humorous way that the army was sorry to see him go away, and +still sorrier when, a few days later, armed _cap-a-pie_, he mopped up +the greensward with his enemy and secured the best of terms from him. + +While _incog._, Alfred stopped at a hut, where he was asked to turn the +pancakes as they required it; but in the absence of the hostess he got +to thinking of esoteric subjects, or something profound, and allowed the +cakes to burn. The housewife returned in time to express her sentiments +and a large box to his address as shown in the picture. + +[Illustration: ALFRED LETTING THE CAKES BURN.] + +He now converted Guthrun and had him immersed, which took first-rate, +and other Danes got immersed. Thus the national antagonism to water was +overcome, and to-day the English who are descended from the Danes are +not appalled at the sight of water. + +As a result of Guthrun's conversion, the Danes agreed to a permanent +settlement along the exposed portion of Great Britain, by which they +became unconsciously a living rampart between the Saxons and other +incursionists. + +Now peace began to reign up to 893, and Alfred improved the time by +rebuilding the desolated cities,--London especially, which had become a +sight to behold. A new stock-law, requiring the peasantry to shut up +their unicorns during certain seasons of the year and keep them out of +the crops, also protecting them from sportsmen while shedding their +horns in spring, or moulting, it is said, was passed, but the English +historians are such great jokers that the writer has had much difficulty +in culling the facts and eliminating the persiflage from these writings. + +Alfred the Great only survived his last victory over the Danes, at Kent, +a few years, when he died greatly lamented. He was a brave soldier, a +successful all-around monarch, and a progressive citizen in an age of +beastly ignorance, crime, superstition, self-indulgence, and pathetic +stupidity. + +[Illustration: ALFRED ESTABLISHED SCHOOLS.] + +He translated several books for the people, established or repaired the +University of Oxford, and originated the idea, adopted by the Japanese a +thousand years later, of borrowing the scholars of other nations, and +cheerfully adopting the improvements of other countries, instead of +following the hide-bound and stupid conservatism and ignorance +bequeathed by father to son, as a result of blind and offensive pride, +which is sometimes called patriotism. + +[Illustration: KING ALFRED TRANSLATED SEVERAL BOOKS.] + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO +TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT. + + +The Ethels now made an effort to regain the throne from Edward the +Elder. Ethelwold, a nephew of Edward, united the Danes under his own +banner, and relations were strained between the leaders until 905, when +Ethelwold was slain. Even then the restless Danes and frontier settlers +were a source of annoyance until about 925, when Edward died; but at his +death he was the undisputed king of all Britain, and all the various +sub-monarchs and associate rulers gave up their claims to him. He was +assisted in his affairs of state by his widowed sister, Ethelfleda. +Edward the Elder had his father's ability as a ruler, but was not so +great as a scholar or _littérateur_. He had not the unfaltering devotion +to study nor the earnest methods which made Alfred great. Alfred not +only divided up his time into eight-hour shifts,--one for rest, meals, +and recreation, one for the affairs of state, and one for study and +devotion,--but he invented the candle with a scale on it as a +time-piece, and many a subject came to the throne at regular periods to +set his candle by the royal lights. + +[Illustration: CAME TO THE THRONE AT REGULAR PERIODS TO SET THEIR +CANDLES BY THE ROYAL LIGHT.] + +Think of those days when the Sergeant-at-Arms of Congress could not turn +back the clock in order to assist an appropriation at the close of the +session, but when the light went out the session closed. + +Athelstan succeeded his father, Edward the Presiding Elder, and +resembled him a good deal by defeating the Welsh, Scots, and Danes. In +those days agriculture, trade, and manufacturing were diversions during +the summer months; but the regular business of life was warfare with the +Danes, Scots, and Welsh. + +These foes of England could live easily for years on oatmeal, sour milk, +and cod's heads, while the fighting clothes of a whole regiment would +have been a scant wardrobe for the Greek Slave, and after two centuries +of almost uninterrupted carnage their war debt was only a trifle over +eight dollars. + +Edmund, the brother of Ethelstan, at the age of eighteen, succeeded his +brother on the throne. + +One evening, while a little hilarity was going on in the royal +apartments, Edmund noticed among the guests a robber named Leolf, who +had not been invited. Probably he was a pickpocket; and as a royal +robber hated anybody who dropped below grand larceny, the king ordered +his retainers to put him out. + +But the retainers shrank from the undertaking, therefore Edmund sprang +from the throne like a tiger and buried his talons in the robber's +tresses. There was a mixture of feet, legs, teeth, and features for a +moment, and when peace was restored King Edmund had a watch-pocket full +of blood, and the robber chieftain was wiping his stabber on one of the +royal tidies. + +[Illustration: EDMUND THROWING LEOLF OUT.] + +Edred now succeeded the deceased Edmund, his brother, and with a heavy +heart took up the eternal job of fighting the Danes. Edred set up a +sort of provincial government over Northumberland, the refractory +district, and sent a governor and garrison there to see that the Danes +paid attention to what he said. St. Dunstan had considerable influence +over Edred, and was promoted a great deal by the king, who died in the +year 955. + +He was succeeded by Edwy the Fair, who was opposed by another Ethel. +Between the Ethels and the Welsh and Danes, there was little time left +in England for golf or high tea, and Edwy's reign was short and full of +trouble. + +He had trouble with St. Dunstan, charging him with the embezzlement of +church funds, and compelled him to leave the country. This was in +retaliation for St. Dunstan's overbearing order to the king. One +evening, when a banquet was given him in honor of his coronation, the +king excused himself when the speeches got rather corky, and went into +the sitting-room to have a chat with his wife, Elgiva, of whom he was +very fond, and her mother. St. Dunstan, who had still to make a speech +on Foreign Missions with a yard or so of statistics, insisted on Edwy's +return. An open outbreak was the result. The Church fell upon the King +with a loud, annual report, and when the débris was cleared away, a +little round-shouldered grave in the churchyard held all that was +mortal of the king. His wife was cruelly and fatally assassinated, and +Edgar, his brother, began to reign. This was in the year 959, and in +what is now called the Middle Ages. + +Edgar was called the Pacific. He paid off the church debt, made Dunstan +Archbishop of Canterbury, helped reform the church, and, though but +sixteen years of age when he removed all explosives from the throne and +seated himself there, he showed that he had a massive scope, and his +subjects looked forward to much anticipation. + +He sailed around the island every year to show the Danes how prosperous +he was, and made speeches which displayed his education. + +His coronation took place thirteen years after his accession to the +throne, owing to the fact, as given out by some of the more modern +historians, that the crown was at Mr. Isaac Inestein's all this time, +whereas the throne, which was bought on the instalment plan, had been +redeemed. + +Pictures of the crown worn by Edgar will convince the reader that its +redemption was no slight task, while the mortgage on the throne was a +mere bagatelle. + +[Illustration: EDGAR SURMOUNTED BY HIS CROWN.] + +[Illustration: EDGAR CAUSES HIS BARGE TO BE ROWED BY EIGHT KINGS.] + +A bright idea of Edgar's was to ride in a row-boat pulled by eight kings +under the old _régime_. + +Personally, Edgar was reputed to be exceedingly licentious; but the +historian wisely says these stories may have been the invention of his +enemies. Greatness is certain to make of itself a target for the mud of +its own generation, and no one who rose above the level of his +surroundings ever failed to receive the fragrant attentions of those who +had not succeeded in rising. All history is fraught also with the +bitterness and jealousy of the historian except this one. No bitterness +can creep into this history. + +Edgar, it is said, assassinated the husband of Elfrida in order that he +might marry her. It is also said that he broke into a convent and +carried off a nun; but doubtless if these stories were traced to their +very foundations, politics would account for them both. + +He did not favor the secular clergy, and they, of course, disliked him +accordingly. He suffered also at the hands of those who sought to +operate the reigning apparatus whilst his attention was turned towards +other matters. + +He was the author of the scheme whereby he utilized his enemies, the +Welsh princes, by demanding three hundred wolf heads per annum as +tribute instead of money. This wiped out the wolves and used up the +surplus animosity of the Welsh. + +As the Welsh princes had no money, the scheme was a good one. Edgar died +at the age of thirty-two, and was succeeded by Edward, his son, in 975. + +The death of the king at this early age has given to many historians the +idea that he was a sad dog, and that he sat up late of nights and cut up +like everything, but this may not be true. Death often takes the good, +the true, and the beautiful whilst young. + +However, Edgar's reign was a brilliant one for an Anglo-Saxon, and his +coon-skin cap is said to have cost over a pound sterling. + +[Illustration: EDGAR THE PACIFIC.] + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING CHRONIC USURPATION +PROCLIVITIES. + + +Edgar was succeeded by his son Edward, called "the Martyr," who ascended +the throne at the age of fifteen years. His step-mother, Elfrida, +opposed him, and favored her own son, Ethelred. Edward was assassinated +in 978, at the instigation of his step-mother, and that's what's the +martyr with him. + +During his reign there was a good deal of ill feeling, and Edward would +no doubt have been deposed but for the influence of the church under +Dunstan. + +Ethelred was but ten years old when he began reigning. Sadly poor +Dunstan crowned him, his own eyes still wet with sorrow over the cruel +death of Edward. He foretold that Ethelred would have a stormy reign, +with sleet and variable winds, changing to snow. + +During the remainder of the great prelate's life he, as it were, stood +between the usurper and the people, and protected them from the +threatening storm. + +But in 991, shortly after the death of Dunstan, a great army of +Norwegians came over to England for purposes of pillage. To say that it +was an allopathic pillage would not be an extravagant statement. They +were extremely rude people, like all the nations of northern Europe at +that time,--Rome being the Boston of the Old World, and Copenhagen the +Fort Dodge of that period. + +The Norwegians ate everything that did not belong to the mineral +kingdom, and left the green fields of merry England looking like a +base-ball ground. So wicked and warlike were they that the sad and +defeated country was obliged to give the conquering Norske ten thousand +pounds of silver. + +Dunstan died at the age of sixty-three, and years afterwards was +canonized; but firearms had not been invented at the time of his death. +He led the civilization and progress of England, and was a pioneer in +cherishing the fine arts. + +Olaf, who led the Norwegians against England, afterwards became king of +Norway, and with the Danes used to ever and anon sack Great +Britain,--_i.e._, eat everybody out of house and home, and then ask for +a sack of silver as the price of peace. + +Ethelred was a cowardly king, who liked to wear the implements of war on +holidays, and learn to crochet and tat in time of war. He gave these +invaders ten thousand pounds of silver at the first, sixteen thousand +at the second, and twenty-four thousand on the third trip, in order to +buy peace. + +Olaf afterwards, however, embraced Christianity and gave up fighting as +a business, leaving the ring entirely to Sweyn, his former partner from +Denmark, who continued to do business as before. + +The historian says that the invasion of England by the Norwegians and +Danes was fully equal to the assassination, arson, and rapine of the +Indians of North America. A king who would permit such cruel cuttings-up +as these wicked animals were guilty of on the fair face of old England, +should live in history only as an invertebrate, a royal failure, a +decayed mollusk, and the dropsical head of a tottering dynasty. + +In order to strengthen his feeble forces, Ethelred allied himself, in +1001, to Richard II., Duke of Normandy, and married his daughter Emma, +but the Danes continued to make night hideous and elope with ladies whom +they had never met before. It was a sad time in the history of England, +and poor Emma wept many a hot and bitter tear as she yielded one jewel +after another to the pawnbroker in order to buy off the coarse and +hateful Danes. + +If Ethelred were to know how he is regarded by the historian who pens +these lines, he would kick the foot-board out of his casket, and bite +himself severely in four places. + +To add to his foul history, happening to have a few inoffensive Danes on +hand, on the 13th of November, the festival of St. Brice, 1002, he gave +it out that he would massacre these people, among them the sister of the +Danish king, a noble woman who had become a Christian (only it is to be +hoped a better one), and married an English earl. He had them all +butchered. + +[Illustration: ETHELRED WEDS EMMA.] + +In 1003, Sweyn, with revenge in his heart, began a war of extermination +or subjugation, and never yielded till he was, in fact, king of England, +while the royal intellectual polyp, known as Ethelred the Unwholesome, +fled to Normandy, in the 1013th year Anno Domini. + +But in less than six weeks the Danish king died, leaving the sceptre, +with the price-mark still upon it, to Canute, his son, and Ethelred was +invited back, with an understanding that he should not abuse his +privileges as king, and that, although it was a life job during good +behavior, the privilege of beheading him from time to time was and is +vested in the people; and even to-day there is not a crowned head on the +continent of Europe that does not recognize this great truth,--viz., +that God alone, speaking through the united voices of the common people, +declares the rulings of the Supreme Court of the Universe. + +On the old autograph albums of the world is still written in the dark +corners of empires, "_the king can do no wrong_." But where education is +not repressed, and where that Christianity which is built on love and +charity is taught, there can be but one King who does no wrong. + +Ethelred was succeeded by Edmund, called "the Ironside." He fought +bravely, and drove the Danes, under Canute, back to their own shores. +But they got restless in Denmark, where there was very little going on, +and returned to England in large numbers. + +Ethelred died in London, 1016 A.D., before Canute reached him. He was +called by Dunstan "Ethelred the Unready," and had a faculty for erring +more promptly than any previous king. + +Having returned cheerily from Ethelred's rather tardy funeral, the +people took oath, some of them under Edmund and some under Canute. + +Edmund, after five pitched battles, offered to stay bloodshed by +personally fighting Canute at any place where they could avoid police +interference, but Canute declined, on what grounds it is not stated, +though possibly on the Polo grounds. + +[Illustration: SONS OF EDMUND SENT TO OLAF.] + +A compromise was agreed to in 1016, by which Edmund reigned over the +region south of the Thames; but very shortly afterwards he was murdered +at the instigation of Edric, a traitor, who was the Judas Iscariot of +his time. + +Canute, or "Knut," now became the first Danish king of England. Having +appointed three sub-kings, and taken charge himself of Wessex, Canute +sent the two sons of Edmund to Olaf, requesting him to put them to +death; but Olaf, the king of Sweden, had scruples, and instead of doing +so sent the boys to Hungary, where they were educated. Edward afterwards +married a daughter of the Emperor Henry II. + +Canute as king was, after he got the hang of it, a great success, giving +to the harassed people more comfort than they had experienced since the +death of Alfred, who was thoroughly gifted as a sovereign. + +He had to raise heavy taxes in order to 'squire himself with the Danish +leaders at first, but finally began to harmonize the warring elements, +and prosperity followed. He was fond of old ballads, and encouraged the +wandering minstrels, who entertained the king with topical songs till a +late hour. Symposiums and after-dinner speaking were thus inaugurated, +and another era of good feeling began about half-past eleven o'clock +each evening. + +[Illustration: THE SEA "GOES BACK" ON CANUTE.] + +Queen Emma, the widow of Ethelred, now began to set her cap for Canute, +and thus it happened that her sons again became the heirs to the throne +at her marriage, A.D. 1017. + +Canute now became a good king. He built churches and monasteries, and +even went on a pilgrimage to Rome, which in those days was almost +certain to win public endorsement. + +Disgusted with the flattering of his courtiers, one day as he strolled +along the shore he caused his chair to be placed at the margin of the +approaching tide, and as the water crept up into his lap, he showed them +how weak must be a mortal king in the presence of Omnipotence. He was a +humble and righteous king, and proved by his example that after all the +greatest of earthly rulers is only the most obedient servant. + +He was even then the sovereign of England, Norway, and Denmark. In 1031 +he had some trouble with Malcolm, King of Scotland, but subdued him +promptly, and died in 1035, leaving Hardicanute, the son of Emma, and +Sweyn and Harold, his sons by a former wife. + +Harold succeeded to the English throne, Sweyn to that of Norway, and +Hardicanute to the throne of Denmark. + +In the following chapter a few well-chosen remarks will be made +regarding Harold and other kings. + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS: FOREIGN FOIBLES INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE +EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY. + + +Let us now look for a moment into the reigns of Harold I. and +Hardicanute, a pair of unpopular reigns, which, although brief, were yet +long enough. + +Queen Emma, of course, desired the coronation of Hardicanute, but, +though supported by Earl Godwin, a man of great influence and educated +to a high degree for his time, able indeed, it is said, at a moment's +notice, to add up things and reduce things to a common denominator, it +could not be. + +Harold, the compromise candidate, reigned from 1037 to 1040. He gained +Godwin to his side, and together they lured the sons of Emma by +Ethelred--viz., Alfred and Edward--to town, and, as a sort of royal +practical joke, put out Alfred's eyes, causing his death. + +Harold was a swift sprinter, and was called "Harefoot" by those who were +intimate enough to exchange calls and coarse anecdotes with him. + +He died in 1040 A.D., and nobody ever had a more general approval for +doing so than Harold. + +Hardicanute now came forth from his apartments, and was received as king +with every demonstration of joy, and for some weeks he and dyspepsia had +it all their own way on Piccadilly. (Report says that he drank! Several +times while under the influence of liquor he abdicated the throne with a +dull thud, but was reinstated by the Police.) + +[Illustration: "KING HAROLD IS DEAD, SIRE."] + +Enraged by the death of Alfred, the king had the remains of Harold +exhumed and thrown into a fen. This a-fensive act showed what a great +big broad nature Hardicanute had,--also the kind of timber used in +making a king in those days. + +Godwin, however, seems to have been a good political acrobat, and was on +more sides of more questions than anybody else of those times. Though +connected with the White-Cap affair by which Alfred lost his eyesight +and his life, he proved an alibi, or spasmodic paresis, or something, +and, having stood a compurgation and "ordeal" trial, was released. The +historian very truly but inelegantly says, if memory serves the writer +accurately, that Godwin was such a political straddle-bug that he early +abandoned the use of pantaloons and returned to the toga, which was the +only garment able to stand the strain of his political cuttings-up. + +The _Shire Mote_, or county court of those days, was composed of a dozen +thanes, or cheap nobles, who had to swear that they had not read the +papers, and had not formed or expressed an opinion, and that their minds +were in a state of complete vacancy. It was a sort of primary jury, and +each could point with pride to the vast collection he had made of things +he did not know, and had not formed or expressed an opinion about. + +[Illustration: "ORDEAL" OF JUSTICE.] + +If one did not like the verdict of this court, he could appeal to the +king on a _certiorari_ or some such thing as that. The accused could +clear himself by his own oath and that of others, but without these he +had to stand what was called the "ordeal," which consisted in walking on +hot ploughshares without expressing a derogatory opinion regarding the +ploughshares or showing contempt of court. Sometimes the accused had to +run his arm into boiling water. If after three days the injury had +disappeared, the defendant was discharged and costs taxed against the +king. + +[Illustration: DYING BETWEEN COURSES.] + +Hardicanute only reigned two years, and in 1042 A.D. died at a nuptial +banquet, and cast a gloom over the whole thing. In those times it was a +common thing for the king or some of the nobility to die between the +roast pig and the pork pie. It was not unusual to see each noble with a +roast pig _tête-à-tête_,--each confronting the other, the living and the +dead. + +At this time, it is said by the old settlers that hog cholera thinned +out the nobility a good deal, whether directly or indirectly they do not +say. + +The English had now wearied of the Danish yoke. "Why wear the Danish +yoke," they asked, "and be ruled with a rod of iron?" + +Edward, half brother of Edmund Ironside, was therefore nominated and +chosen king. Godwin, who seemed to be specially gifted as a versatile +connoisseur of "crow,"[A] turned up as his political adviser. + +[Footnote A: "Eating crow" is an expression common in modern American +politics to signify a reluctant acknowledgement of humiliating +defeat--HISTORIAN.] + +Edward, afterwards called "the Confessor," at once stripped Queen Emma +of all her means, for he had no love left for her, as she had failed +repeatedly to assist him when he was an outcast, and afterwards the new +king placed her in jail (or gaol, rather) at Winchester. This should +teach mothers to be more obedient, or they will surely come to some bad +end. + +Edward was educated in Normandy, and so was quite partial to the +Normans. He appointed many of them to important positions in both church +and state. Even the See of Canterbury was given to a Norman. The See +saw how it was going, no doubt, and accepted the position. But let us +pass on rapidly to something else, for thereby variety may be given to +these pages, and as one fact seems to call for another, truth, which for +the time being may be apparently crushed to earth, may rise again. + +[Illustration: EDWARD STRIPS EMMA OF HER MEANS.] + +Godwin disliked the introduction of the Norman tongue and Norman customs +in England, and when Eustace, Count of Boulogne and author of the +sausage which bears his name, committed an act of violence against the +people of Dover, they arose as one man, drove out the foreigners, and +fumigated the town as well as the ferry running to Calais. + +This caused trouble between Edward and Godwin, which led to the +deposition of the latter, who, with his sons, was compelled to flee. But +later he returned, and his popularity in England among the home people +compelled the king to reëstablish him. + +[Illustration: GODWIN AND HIS SONS FLYING FROM ENGLAND.] + +Soon afterwards Godwin died, and Harold, his son, succeeded him +successfully. Godwin was an able man, and got several earldoms for his +wife and relatives at a time when that was just what they needed. An +earldom then was not a mere empty title with nothing in it but a blue +sash and a scorbutic temperament, but it gave almost absolute authority +over one or more shires, and was also a good piece of property. These +historical facts took place in or about the year 1054 A.D. + +Edward having no children, together with a sort of misgiving about ever +having any to speak of, called home Edward "the Outlaw," son of Edmund +Ironside, to succeed to the throne; but scarcely had he reached the +shores of England when he died, leaving a son, Edgar. + +William of Normandy, a cousin of the king, now appears on the scene. He +claimed to be entitled to the first crack at the throne, and that the +king had promised to bequeath it to him. He even lured Harold, the heir +apparently, to Normandy, and while under the influence of stimulants +compelled Harold to swear that he would sustain William's claim to the +throne. The wily William also inserted some holy relics of great potency +under the altar used for swearing purposes, but Harold recovered when he +got out again into the fresh air, and snapped his fingers at William and +his relics. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM COMPELLING HAROLD TO SWEAR.] + +January 5, 1066, Edward died, and was buried in Westminster Abbey, +which had just been enclosed and the roof put on. + +Harold, who had practised a little while as earl, and so felt that he +could reign easily by beginning moderately and only reigning forenoons, +ascended the throne. + +Edward the Confessor was a good, durable monarch, but not brilliant. He +was the first to let people touch him on Tuesdays and Fridays for +scrofula, or "king's evil." He also made a set of laws that were an +improvement on some of the old ones. He was canonized about a century +after his death by the Pope, but as to whether it "took" or not the +historian seems strangely dumb. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM OF NORMANDY LEARNS THAT HAROLD IS ELECTED KING.] + +He was the last of the royal Saxon line; but other self-made Saxons +reigned after him in torrents. + +Edgar Atheling, son of Edward the Outlaw, was the only surviving male of +the royal line, but he was not old enough to succeed to the throne, and +Harold II. accepted the portfolio. He was crowned at Westminster on the +day of King Edward's burial. This infuriated William of Normandy, who +reminded Harold of his first-degree oath, and his pledge that he would +keep it "or have his salary cut from year to year." + +Oh, how irritated William was! He got down his gun, and bade the other +Normans who desired an outing to do the same. + +Trouble also arose with Tostig, the king's brother, and his Norwegian +ally, Hardrada, but the king defeated the allied forces at Stamford +Bridge, near York, where both of these misguided leaders bit the dust. +Previous to the battle there was a brief parley, and the king told +Tostig the best he could do with him. "And what can you give my ally, +Hardrada?" queried the astute Tostig. "Seven feet of English ground," +answered the king, roguishly, "or possibly more, as Hardrada is rather +taller than the average," or words to that effect. "Then let the fight +go on," answered Tostig, taking a couple of hard-boiled eggs from his +pocket and cracking them on the pommel of his saddle, for he had not +eaten anything but a broiled shote since breakfast. + +That night both he and Hardrada occupied a double grave on the +right-hand side of the road leading to York. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND +IMPLACABLE DISCORD. + + +[Illustration: WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +The Norman invasion was one of the most unpleasant features of this +period. Harold had violated his oath to William, and many of his +superstitious followers feared to assist him on that account. His +brother advised him to wait a few years and permit the invader to die of +exposure. Thus, excommunicated by the Pope and not feeling very well +anyway, Harold went into the battle of Hastings, October 14, 1066. For +nine hours they fought, the English using their celebrated squirt-guns +filled with hot water and other fixed ammunition. Finally Harold, while +straightening his sword across his knee, got an arrow in the eye, and +abandoned the fight in order to investigate the surprises of a future +state. + +In this battle the contusions alone amounted to over ninety-seven, to +say nothing of fractures, concussions, and abrasions. + +Among other casualties, the nobility of the South of England was killed. + +Harold's body was buried by the sea-shore, but many years afterwards +disinterred, and, all signs of vitality having disappeared, he was +buried again in the church he had founded at Waltham. + +The Anglo-Saxons thus yielded to the Normans the government of England. + +In these days the common people were called churls, or anything else +that happened to occur to the irritable and quick-witted nobility. The +rich lived in great magnificence, with rushes on the floor, which were +changed every few weeks. Beautiful tapestry--similar to the rag-carpet +of America--adorned the walls and prevented ventilation. + +Glass had been successfully made in France and introduced into England. +A pane of glass indicated the abode of wealth, and a churl cleaning the +window with alcohol by breathing heavily upon it, was a sign that Sir +Reginald de Pamp, the pampered child of fortune, dwelt there. + +To twang the lyre from time to time, or knock a few mellow plunks out of +the harp, was regarded with much favor by the Anglo-Saxons, who were +much given to feasting and merriment. In those pioneer times the "small +and early" had not yet been introduced, but "the drunk and disorderly" +was regarded with much favor. + +Free coinage was now discussed, and mints established. Wool was the +principal export, and fine cloths were taken in exchange from the +Continent. Women spun for their own households, and the term spinster +was introduced. + +The monasteries carefully concealed everything in the way of education, +and even the nobility could not have stood a civil service examination. + +The clergy were skilled in music, painting, and sculpture, and loved to +paint on china, or do sign-work and carriage painting for the nobility. +St. Dunstan was quite an artist, and painted portraits which even now +remind one strangely of human beings. + +[Illustration: ST. DUNSTAN WAS NOTED FOR THIS KIND OF THING.] + +Edgar Atheling, the legal successor of Harold, saw at a glance that +William the Conqueror had come to stay, and so he yielded to the +Norman, as shown in the accompanying steel engraving copied from a piece +of tapestry now in possession of the author, and which descended to him, +through no fault of his own, from the Normans, who for years ruled +England with great skill, and from whose loins he sprang. + +[Illustration: EDGAR ATHELING AND THE NOBILITY OFFER SUBMISSION TO +WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +William was crowned on Christmas Day at Westminster Abbey as the new +sovereign. It was more difficult to change a sovereign in those days +than at present, but that is neither here nor there. + +The people were so glad over the coronation that they overdid it, and +their ghoulish glee alarmed the regular Norman army, the impression +getting out that the Anglo-Saxons were rebellious, when as a matter of +fact they were merely exhilarated, having tanked too often with the +tankard. + +William the Conqueror now disarmed the city of London, and tipping a +number of the nobles, got them to wait on him. He rewarded his Norman +followers, however, with the contraband estates of the conquered, and +thus kept up his conking for years after peace had been declared. + +But the people did not forget that they were there first, and so, while +William was in Normandy, in the year 1067 A.D., hostilities broke out. +People who had been foreclosed and ejected from their lands united to +shoot the Norman usurper, and it was not uncommon for a Norman, while +busy usurping, to receive an arrow in some vital place, and have to give +up sedentary pursuits, perhaps, for weeks afterwards. + +[Illustration: SAXONS INTRODUCING THE YOKE IN SCOTLAND.] + +In 1068 A.D., Edgar Atheling, Sweyn of Denmark, Malcolm of Scotland, and +the sons of Harold banded together to drive out the Norman. Malcolm was +a brave man, and had, it is said, captured so many Anglo-Saxons and +brought them back to Scotland, that they had a very refining influence +on that country, introducing the study of the yoke among other things +with moderate success. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM WAS FOND OF HUNTING.] + +William hastily returned from Normandy, and made short work of the +rebellion. The following year another outbreak occurring in +Northumberland, William mischievously laid waste sixty miles of fertile +country, and wilfully slaughtered one hundred thousand people,--men, +women, and children. And yet we have among us those who point with pride +to their Norman lineage when they ought to be at work supporting their +families. + +In 1070 the Archbishop of Canterbury was degraded from his position, and +a Milanese monk on his Milan knees succeeded him. The Saxons became +serfs, and the Normans used the school tax to build large, repulsive +castles in which to woo the handcuffed Anglo-Saxon maiden at their +leisure. An Anglo-Saxon maiden without a rope ladder in the pocket of +her basque was a rare sight. Many very thrilling stories are written of +those days, and bring a good price. + +William was passionately fond of hunting, and the penalty for killing a +deer or boar without authority was greater than for killing a human +being out of season. + +In order to erect a new forest, he devastated thirty miles of farming +country, and drove the people, homeless and foodless, to the swamps. He +also introduced the curfew, which he had rung in the evening for his +subjects in order to remind them that it was time to put out the lights, +as well as the cat, and retire. This badge of servitude caused great +annoyance among the people, who often wished to sit up and visit, or +pass the tankard about and bid dull care begone. + +William, however, was not entirely happy. While reigning, his children +grew up without proper training. Robert, his son, unhorsed the old +gentleman at one time, and would have killed him anonymously, each +wearing at the time a galvanized iron dinner-pail over his features, but +just at the fatal moment Robert heard his father's well-known breath +asserting itself, and withheld his hand. + +William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign. It +resulted from an injury received during an invasion of France. + +Philip, the king of that country, had said something derogatory +regarding William, so the latter, having business in France, decided to +take his army with him and give his soldiers an outing. William captured +the city of Mantes, and laid it in ashes at his feet. These ashes were +still hot in places when the great conqueror rode through them, and his +horse becoming restive, threw His Royal Altitoodleum on the pommel of +his saddle, by reason of which he received a mortal hurt, and a few +weeks later he died, filled with remorse and other stimulants, +regretting his past life in such unmeasured terms that he could be heard +all over the place. + +[Illustration: DEMISE OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +The "feudal system" was now fully established in England, and lands +descended from father to son, and were divided up among the dependants +on condition of the performance of vassalage. In this way the common +people were cheerily permitted the use of what atmosphere they needed +for breathing purposes, on their solemn promise to return it, and at the +close of life, if they had succeeded in winning the royal favor, they +might contribute with their humble remains to the fertility of the royal +vegetable garden. + +[Illustration: THE FEUDAL SYSTEM WAS NOW FULLY ESTABLISHED.] + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR +RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES. + + +At this time, under the reign of William, a year previous to his death, +an inventory was taken of the real estate and personal property +contained in the several counties of England; and this "Domesday-book," +as it was called, formed the basis for subsequent taxation, etc. There +were then three hundred thousand families in England. The book had a +limited circulation, owing to the fact that it was made by hand; but in +1783 it was printed. + +William II., surnamed "Rufus the Red," the auburn-haired son of the +king, took possession of everything--especially the treasure--before his +father was fully deceased, and by fair promises solidified the left wing +of the royal party, compelling the disaffected Norman barons to fly to +France. + +William II. and Robert his brother came to blows over a small rebellion +organized by the latter, but Robert yielded at last, and joined William +with a view to making it hot for Henry, who, being a younger brother, +objected to wearing the king's cast-off reigning clothes. He was at last +forced to submit, however, and the three brothers gayly attacked +Malcolm, the Scotch malecontent, who was compelled to yield, and thus +Cumberland became English ground. This was in 1091. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM II. TAKES POSSESSION OF THE ROYAL TRUNK AND +SECURES THE CROWN.] + +In 1096 the Crusade was creating much talk, and Robert, who had +expressed a desire to lead a totally different life, determined to go if +money could be raised. Therefore William proceeded to levy on everything +that could be realized upon, such as gold and silver communion services +and other bric-à-brac, and free coinage was then first inaugurated. The +king became so greedy that on the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury +he made himself _ex-officio_ archbishop, so that he might handle the +offerings and coin the plate. When William was ill he sent for Father +Anselm, but when he got well he took back all his sweet promises, in +every way reminding one of the justly celebrated policy pursued by His +Sulphureous Highness the Devil. + +The capture of Jerusalem by the Crusaders very naturally attracted the +attention of other ambitious princes who wished also to capture it, and +William, Prince of Guienne, mortgaged his principality to England that +he might raise money to do this; but when about to embark for the +purpose of taking possession of this property, William II., the royal +note-shaver, while hunting, was shot accidentally by a companion, or +assassinated, it is not yet known which, and when found by a passing +charcoal-burner was in a dead state. He was buried in 1100, at +Winchester. + +[Illustration: RUFUS FOUND DEAD IN THE FOREST BY A POOR +CHARCOAL-BURNER.] + +Rufus had no trouble in securing the public approval of his death. He +was the third of his race to perish in the New Forest, the scene of the +Conqueror's cruelty to his people. He was a thick-set man with a red +face, a debauchee of the deepest dye, mean in money matters, and as full +of rum and mendacity as Sitting Bull, the former Regent of the Sioux +Nation. He died at the age of forty-three years, having reigned and cut +up in a shameful manner for thirteen years. + +Robert having gone to the Holy Land, Henry I. was crowned at +Westminster. He was educated to a higher degree than William, and knew +the multiplication table up to seven times seven, but he was highly +immoral, and an armed chaperon stood between him and common decency. + +He also made rapid strides as a liar, and even his own grocer would not +trust him. He successfully fainted when he heard of his son's death, +1120 A.D. + +His reign closed in 1135, when Stephen, a grandson of the Conqueror, +with the aid of a shoe-horn assumed the crown of England, and, placing a +large damp towel in it, proceeded to reign. He began at once to swap +patronage for kind words, and every noble was as ignoble as a +phenomenal thirst and unbridled lust could make him. Every farm had a +stone jail on it, in charge of a noble jailer. Feudal castles, full of +malaria and surrounded by insanitary moats and poor plumbing, echoed the +cry of the captive and the bacchanalian song of the noble. The country +was made desolate by duly authorized robbers, who, under the Crusaders' +standard, prevented the maturity of the spring chicken and hushed the +still, small voice of the roast pig in death. + +[Illustration: HENRY FAINTED WHEN HE HEARD THE SAD NEWS.] + +William the Conqueror was not only remembered bitterly in the broken +hearts of his people, but in history his name will stand out forever +because of his strange and grotesque designs on posterity. + +In 1141 Stephen was made prisoner, and for five years he was not +restored to his kingdom. In the mean time, Matilda, the widow of Henry +I., encouraged by the prelates, landed in England to lay claim to the +throne, and after a great deal of ill feeling and much needed +assassination, her son Henry, who had become quite a large +property-owner in France, invaded England, and finally succeeded in +obtaining recognition as the rightful successor of Stephen. Stephen died +in 1153, and Henry became king. + +[Illustration: MATILDA LANDING IN ENGLAND.] + +The Feudal System, which obtained in England for four hundred years, was +a good one for military purposes, for the king on short notice might +raise an army by calling on the barons, who levied on their vassals, and +they in turn levied on their dependants. + +A feudal castle was generally built in the Norman style of architecture. +It had a "donjon," or keep, which was generally occupied by the baron as +a bar-room, feed-trough, and cooler between fights. It was built of +stone, and was lighted by means of crevices through the wall by day, and +by means of a saucer of tallow and a string or rush which burned during +the night and served mainly to show how dark it was. There was a front +yard or fighting-place around this, surrounded by a high wall, and this +again by a moat. There was an inner court back of the castle, into which +the baron could go for thinking. A chapel was connected with the +institution, and this was the place to which he retired for the purpose +of putting arnica on his conscience. + +Underneath the castle was a large dungeon, where people who differed +with the baron had a studio. Sometimes they did not get out at all, but +died there in their sins, while the baron had all the light of gospel +and chapel privileges up-stairs. + +The historian says that at that time the most numerous class in England +were the "villains." This need not surprise us, when we remember that it +was as much as a man's life was worth to be anything else. + +There were also twenty-five thousand serfs. A serf was required to be at +hand night or day when the baron needed some one to kick. He was +generally attached to the realty, like a hornet's nest, but not +necessary to it. + +In the following chapter knighthood and the early hardware trade will be +touched upon. + +[Illustration: "IN HOC SIGNO VINCES."] + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS, +FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD. + + +The age of chivalry, which yielded such good material to the poet and +romancer, was no doubt essential to the growth of civilization, but it +must have been an unhappy period for legitimate business. How could +trade, commerce, or even the professions, arts, or sciences, flourish +while the entire population spread itself over the bleaching-boards, day +after day, to watch the process of "jousting," while the corn was "in +the grass," and everybody's notes went to protest? + +Then came the days of knight-errantry, when parties in malleable-iron +clothing and shirts of mail--which were worn without change--rode up and +down the country seeking for maids in distress. A pretty maid in those +days who lived on the main road could put on her riding-habit, go to the +window up-stairs, shed a tear, wave her kerchief in the air, and in half +an hour have the front lawn full of knights-errant tramping over the +peony beds and castor-oil plants. + +[Illustration: A PRETTY MAID IN THOSE DAYS.] + +In this way a new rescuer from day to day during the "errant" season +might be expected. Scarcely would the fair maid reach her destination +and get her wraps hung up, when a rattle of gravel on the window would +attract her attention, and outside she would see, with swelling heart, +another knight-errant, who crooked his Russia-iron elbow and murmured, +"Miss, may I have the pleasure of this escape with you?" + +"But I do not recognize you, sir," she would straightway make reply; and +well she might, for, with his steel-shod countenance and corrugated-iron +clothes, he was generally so thoroughly _incog._ that his crest, on a +new shield freshly painted and grained and bearing a motto, was his only +introduction. Imagine a sweet girl, who for years had been under the +eagle eye of a middle-weight chaperon, suddenly espying in the moonlight +a disguised man under the window on horseback, in the act of asking her +to join him for a few weeks at his shooting-box in the swamp. Then, if +you please, imagine her asking for his card, whereupon he exposes the +side of his new tin shield, on which is painted in large Old English +letters a Latin motto meaning, "It is the early bird that catches the +worm," with bird rampant, worm couchant on a field uncultivated. + +Then, seating herself behind the knight, she must escape for days, and +even weeks,--one escape seeming to call for another, as it were. Thus, +however, the expense of a wedding was saved, and the knight with the +biggest chest measurement generally got the heiress with the +copper-colored hair. + +[Illustration: CREST OF A POPULAR KNIGHT.] + +He wore a crest on his helmet adorned with German favors given him by +lady admirers, so that the crest of a popular young knight often looked +like a slump at the _Bon Marché_. + +[Illustration: THE "VIGIL OF ARMS."] + +The most peculiar condition required for entry into knighthood was the +"vigil of arms," which consisted in keeping a long silent watch in some +gloomy spot--a haunted one preferred--over the arms he was about to +assume. The illustration representing this subject is without doubt one +of the best of the kind extant, and even in the present age of the +gold-cure is suggestive of a night-errant of to-day. + +A tournament was a sort of refined equestrian prize-fight with +one-hundred-ounce jabbers. Each knight, clad in tin-foil and armed +cap-a-pie, riding in each other's direction just as fast as possible +with an uncontrollable desire to push one's adversary off his horse, +which meant defeat, because no man could ever climb a horse in full +armor without a feudal derrick to assist him. + +[Illustration: A JUDICIAL COMBAT.] + +The victor was entitled to the horse and armor of the vanquished, which +made the castle paddock of a successful knight resemble the convalescent +ward of the Old Horses' Home. + +This tourney also constituted the prevailing court of those times, and +the plaintiff, calling upon God to defend the right, charged upon the +defendant with a charge which took away the breath of his adversary. +This, of course, was only applicable to certain cases, and could not be +used in trials for divorce, breach of promise, etc. + +The tournament was practically the forerunner of the duel. In each case +the parties in effect turned the matter over to Omnipotence; but still +the man who had his back to the sun, and knew how to handle firearms and +cutlery, generally felt most comfortable. + +Gentlemen who were not engaged in combat, but who attended to the +grocery business during the Norman period, wore a short velvet cloak +trimmed with fur over a doublet and hose. The shoes were pointed,--as +were the remarks made by the irate parent,--and generally the shoes and +remarks accompanied each other when a young tradesman sought the hand of +the daughter, whilst she had looked forward to a two-hundred-mile ride +on the crupper of a knight-errant without stopping for feed or water. + +In those days also, the fool made no effort to disguise his folly by +going to Congress or fussing with the currency, but wore a uniform which +designated his calling and saved time in estimating his value. + +The clergy in those days possessed the bulk of knowledge, and had +matters so continued the vacant pew would have less of a hold on people +than it has to-day; but in some way knowledge escaped from the cloister +and percolated through the other professions, so that to-day in England, +out of a good-sized family, the pulpit generally has to take what is +left after the army, navy, politics, law, and golf have had the pick. It +was a fatal error to permit the escape of knowledge in that way; and +when southern Europe, now priest-ridden and pauperized, learns to read +and write, the sleek blood-suckers will eat plainer food and the poor +will not go entirely destitute. + +The Normans ate two meals a day, and introduced better cooking among the +Saxons, who had been accustomed to eat very little except while under +the influence of stimulants, and who therefore did not realize what they +ate. The Normans went in more for meat victuals, and thus the names of +meat, such as veal, beef, pork, and mutton, are of Norman origin, while +the names of the animals in a live state are calf, ox, pig, and sheep, +all Saxon names. + +The Authors' Club of England at this time consisted of Geoffrey of +Monmouth and another man. They wrote their books with quill pens, and if +the authorities did not like what was said, the author could be made to +suppress the entire edition for a week's board, or for a bumper of +Rhenish wine with a touch of pepper-sauce in it he would change the +objectionable part by means of an eraser. + +[Illustration: THE AUTHORS' CLUB AT THIS TIME.] + +It was under these circumstances that the Plantagenets became leaders in +society, and added their valuable real estate in France to the English +dominions. In 1154, Henry Plantagenet was thus the most powerful monarch +in Europe, and by wedding his son Geoffrey to the daughter of the Duke +of Brittany, soon scooped in that valuable property also. + +He broke up the custom of issuing pickpocket and felony licenses to his +nobles, seized the royal stone-piles and other nests for common sneak +thieves, and resolved to give the people a chance to pay taxes and die +natural deaths. The disorderly nobles were reduced to the ranks or sent +away to institutions for inebriates, and people began to permit their +daughters to go about the place unarmed. + +Foreign mercenaries who had so long infested the country were ordered to +leave it under penalty of having their personal possessions confiscated, +and their own carcasses dissected and fed to the wild boars. + +[Illustration: FOREIGN MERCENARIES LEAVE ENGLAND.] + +Henry next gave his attention to the ecclesiastic power. He chose Thomas +à Becket to the vacant portfolio as Archbishop of Canterbury, hoping +thus to secure him as an ally; but à Becket, though accustomed to ride +after a four-in-hand and assume a style equal to the king himself, +suddenly became extremely devout, and austerity characterized this child +of fortune, insomuch that each day on bended knees he bathed the chapped +and soiled feet of thirteen beggars. Why thirteen beggars should come +around every morning to the archbishop's study to have their feet +manicured, or how that could possibly mollify an outraged God, the +historian does not claim to state, and, in fact, is not able to throw +any light upon it at the price agreed upon for this book. + +[Illustration: A COOLNESS BETWEEN THE KING AND THE ARCHBISHOP.] + +Trouble now arose between the king and the archbishop; a protracted +coolness, during which the king's pew grew gray with dust, and he had to +baptize and confirm his own children in addition to his other work. + +The king now summoned the prelates; but they excused themselves from +coming on the grounds of previous engagements. Then he summoned the +nobles also, and gave the prelates one more chance, which they decided +to avail themselves of. Thus the "Constitutions of Clarendon" were +adopted in 1164, and Becket, though he at first bolted the action of the +convention, soon became reconciled and promised to fall into line, +though he hated it like sin. + +Then the Roman pontiff annulled the constitutions, and scared Becket +back again into his original position. This angered the king, who +condemned his old archbishop, and he fled to France, where he had a tall +time. The Pope threatened to excommunicate Henry; but the latter told +him to go ahead, as he did not fear excommunication, having been already +twice exposed to it while young. + +Finally à Becket was banished; but after six years returned, and all +seemed again smooth and joyous; but Becket kept up the war indirectly +against Henry, till one day he exclaimed in his wrath, "Is there no one +of my subjects who will rid me of this insolent priest?" Whereupon four +loyal knights, who were doubtless of Scotch extraction, and who +therefore could not take a joke, thought the king in dead earnest, and +actually butchered the misguided archbishop in a sickening manner before +the altar. This was in 1170. + +Henry, who was in France when this occurred, was thoroughly horrified +and frightened, no doubt. So much so, in fact, that he agreed to make a +pilgrimage barefoot to the tomb of à Becket; but even this did not place +him upon a firm footing with the clergy, who paraded à Becket's +assassination on all occasions, and thus strengthened this opposition to +the king. + +[Illustration: HENRY WALKING TO THE TOMB OF BECKET.] + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +CONQUEST OF IRELAND: UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF +AN ACQUISITORIAL PROPENSITY. + + +In 1173 occurred the conquest of Ireland, anciently called Hibernia. +These people were similar to the Britons, but of their history prior to +the year 400 A.D. little is known. Before Christ a race of men inhabited +Ireland, however, who had their own literature, and who were advanced in +the arts. This was before the introduction of the "early mass" whiskers, +and prior to the days when the Orangemen had sent forth their defiant +peal. + +[Illustration: "EARLY MASS" WHISKERS.] + +In the fifth century Ireland was converted by St. Patrick, and she +became known as the Island of Saints and Scholars. To say that she has +become the island of pugilists and policemen to-day would be unjust, +and to say that she has more influence in America than in Ireland would +be unkind. Surely her modern history is most pathetic. + +For three centuries the island was harassed by the Danes and Northmen; +but when the Marquis of Queensberry rules were adopted, the latter threw +up the sponge. The finish fight occurred at Clontarf, near Dublin. + +Henry had written permission from the Pope to conquer Ireland years and +years before he cared to do it. Sometimes it rained, and at other times +he did not feel like it, so that his permission got almost worn out by +carrying it about with him. + +In 1172, however, an Irish chief, or subordinate king, had trouble with +his kingdom,--doubtless because some rival monarch stepped in it and +tracked it around over the other kingdoms,--and so he called upon the +Anglo-Normans under Strongbow (Richard de Clare), whose deClaration of +Independence was the first thing of the kind known to civilization, for +help. While assisting the Irish chief, Strongbow noticed a royal wink on +the features of Henry, and acting upon it proceeded to gather in the +other precincts of Ireland. Thus, in 1172, the island was placed under +the rule of a viceroy sent there by England. + +Henry now had trouble with three of his sons, Henry, Richard, and +Geoffrey, who threatened that if the old gentleman did not divide up +his kingdom among them they would go to Paris and go into the _roué_ +business. Henry himself was greatly talked about, and his name coupled +with that of fair Rosamond Clifford, a rival of Queen Eleanor. The king +refused to grant the request of his sons, and bade them go ahead with +their _roué_ enterprises so long as they did not enter into competition +with him. + +[Illustration: THE BECKET DIFFICULTY STILL KEPT HENRY AWAKE AT NIGHT.] + +So they went to Paris, where their cuttings-up were not noticed. The +queen took their side, as also did Louis of France and William, King of +Scotland. With the Becket difficulty still keeping him awake of nights +also, the king was in constant hot water, and for a time it seemed that +he would have to seek other employment; but his masterly hit in making a +barefooted pilgrimage to the tomb of Becket, thus securing absolution +from the Archbishop of Canterbury, turned the tide. + +William of Scotland was made a prisoner in 1174, and the confederacy +against the king broken up. Thus, in 1175, the castle at Edinburgh came +into the hands of the English, and roast beef was substituted for oats. +Irish and Scotch whiskey were now introduced into the national policy, +and bits of bright English humor, with foot-notes for the use of the +Scots, were shipped to Edinburgh. + +Henry had more trouble with his sons, however, and they embittered his +life as the sons of a too-frolicsome father are apt to do. Henry Jr. +died repentant; but Geoffrey perished in his sins in a tournament, +although generally the tournament was supposed to be conducive to +longevity. Richard was constitutionally a rebel, and at last compelled +the old gentleman to yield to a humiliating treaty with the French in +1189. Finding in the list of the opposing forces the name of John, his +young favorite son, the poor old battered monarch, in 1189, selected an +unoccupied grave and took possession of same. + +[Illustration: THE UNHAPPY FATHER SANK INTO THE GRAVE.] + +He cursed his sons and died miserably, deserted by his followers, who +took such clothing as fitted them best, and would have pawned the throne +had it not been out of style and unavailable for that purpose, beside +being secured to the castle. His official life was creditable to a high +degree, but his private life seemed to call loudly for a good, competent +disinfectant. + +[Illustration: WHEN RICHARD WAS SICK THE GENEROUS SULTAN SENT HIM FRUITS +AND ICE.] + +Richard _Kyur duh le ong_, as the French have it, or Richard I. of the +lion heart, reigned in his father's stead from 1189 to 1199. His reign +opened with a disagreeable massacre. The Jews, who had brought him some +presents to wear at his inaugural ball, were insulted by the populace, +who believed that the king favored a massacre, and so many were put to +death. + +Richard and Philip of France organized a successful crusade against +people who were not deemed orthodox, and succeeded in bagging a good +many in Syria, where the woods were full of infidels. + +Richard, however, was so overbearing that Philip could not get along +with him, and they dissolved partnership; but Richard captured Ascalon +after this. His army was too much reduced, however, to capture +Jerusalem. + +Saladin, the opposing sultan, was a great admirer of Richard, and when +the lion-hearted king was ill, sent him fruits and even ice, so the +historian says. Where the Saracens got their ice at that time we can +only surmise. + +Peace was established, and the pilgrims who desired to enter the holy +city were unmolested. This matter was settled in 1192. + +On his return Richard was compelled to go _incog._ through Germany, as +the authorities were opposed to him. He was discovered and confined till +a large ransom was paid. + +Philip and John, the king's brother, decided that Richard's extremity +was their opportunity, and so concluded to divide up his kingdom between +them. At this dramatic moment Richard, having paid his sixty thousand +pounds ransom and tipped his custodian, entered the English arena, and +the jig was up. John was obliged to ask pardon, and Richard generously +gave it, with the exclamation, "Oh, that I could forget his injuries as +soon as he will my forgiveness!" + +[Illustration: RICHARD TRAVELLING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY.] + +Richard never secured a peace with Philip, but died, in 1199, from the +effects of a wound received in France, and when but forty-two years of +age. The longevity among monarchs of the present day is indeed +gratifying when one reads of the brief lives of these old reigners, for +it surely demonstrates that royalty, when not carried to excess, is +rather conducive to health than otherwise. + +Richard died from the effects of an arrow wound, and all his foes in +this engagement were hanged, except the young warrior who had given him +his death wound. Doubtless this was done to encourage good marksmanship. + +England got no benefit from Richard's great daring and expensive picnics +in Palestine; but of course he advertised Great Britain, and frightened +foreign powers considerably. The taxation necessary to maintain an army +in the Holy Land, where board was high, kept England poor; but every one +was proud of Richard, because he feared not the face of clay. + +John, the disagreeable brother, succeeded Richard, and reigned seventeen +years, though his nephew, Arthur, the son of Geoffrey, was the rightful +heir. Philip, who kept himself in pocket-money by starting one-horse +rebellions against England, joined with Arthur long enough to effect a +treaty, in 1200, which kept him in groceries several years, when he +again brought Prince Arthur forward; but this was disastrous, for the +young prince was captured and cruelly assassinated by request of his +affectionate uncle, King John. + +To be a relative of the king in those good old days was generally +fatal. Let us rejoice that times have so greatly improved, and that the +wicked monarch has learned to seat himself gingerly upon his +bomb-infested throne. + +[Illustration: JOHN CAUSED ARTHUR TO BE CRUELLY MURDERED.] + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED: SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING +AN UNPOPULAR AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE. + + +Philip called the miserable monarch to account for the death of Arthur, +and, as a result, John lost his French possessions. Hence the weak and +wicked son of Henry Plantagenet, since called Lackland, ceased to be a +tax-payer in France, and proved to a curious world that a court fool in +his household was superfluous. + +John now became mixed up in a fracas with the Roman pontiff, who would +have been justified in giving him a Roman punch. Why he did not, no +Roman knows. + +On the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury in 1205, Stephen Langton +was elected to the place, with a good salary and use of the rectory. +John refused to confirm the appointment, whereat Innocent III., the +pontiff, closed the churches and declared a general lock-out. People +were denied Christian burial in 1208, and John was excommunicated in +1209. + +Philip united with the Pope, and together they raised the temperature +for John so that he yielded to the Roman pontiff, and in 1213 agreed to +pay him a comfortable tribute. The French king attempted to conquer +England, but was defeated in a great naval battle in the harbor of +Damme. Philip afterwards admitted that the English were not conquered +by a Damme site; but the Pope absolved him for two dollars. + +[Illustration: KING JOHN SIGNS THE MAGNA CHARTA.] + +It was now decided by the royal subjects that John should be still +further restrained, as he had disgraced his nation and soiled his +ermine. So the barons raised an army, took London, and at Runnymede, +June 15, 1215, compelled John to sign the famous Magna Charta, giving +his subjects many additional rights to the use of the climate, and so +forth, which they had not known before. + +Among other things the right of trial by his peers was granted to the +freeman; and so, out of the mental and moral chaos and general +strabismus of royal justice, everlasting truth and human rights arose. + +Scarcely was the ink dry on Magna Charta, and hardly had the king +returned his tongue to its place after signing the instrument, when he +began to organize an army of foreign soldiers, with which he laid waste +with fire and sword the better part of "Merrie Englande." + +But the barons called on Philip, the general salaried Peacemaker +Plenipotentiary, who sent his son Louis with an army to overtake John +and punish him severely. The king was overtaken by the tide and lost all +his luggage, treasure, hat-box, dress-suit case, return ticket, annual +address, shoot-guns, stab-knives, rolling stock, and catapults, +together with a fine flock of battering-rams. + +This loss brought on a fever, of which he died, in 1216 A.D., after +eighteen years of reign and wind. + +A good execrator could here pause a few weeks and do well. + +History holds but few such characters as John, who was not successful +even in crime. He may be regarded roughly as the royal poultice who +brought matters to a head in England, and who, by means of his +treachery, cowardice, and phenomenal villany, acted as a +counter-irritant upon the malarial surface of the body politic. + +After the death of John, the Earl of Pembroke, who was Marshal of +England, caused Henry, the nine-year-old son of the late king, to be +promptly crowned. + +Pembroke was chosen protector, and so served till 1219, when he died, +and was succeeded by Hubert de Burgh. Louis, with the French forces, had +been defeated and driven back home, so peace followed. + +Henry III. was a weak king, as is too well known, but was kind. He +behaved well enough till about 1231, when he began to ill-treat de +Burgh. + +He became subservient to the French element and his wife's relatives +from Provence (pronounced _Provongs_). He imported officials by the +score, and Eleanor's family never released their hold upon the public +teat night or day. They would cry bitterly if deprived of same even for +a moment. This was about the year 1236. + +[Illustration: THE PROMPT CORONATION OF THE NINE-YEAR-OLD KING HENRY.] + +Besides this, and feeling that more hot water was necessary to keep up a +ruddy glow, the king was held tightly beneath the thumb of the Pope. +Thus Italy claimed and secured the fat official positions in the church. +The pontiff gave Henry the crown of Sicily with a C.O.D. on it, which +Henry could not raise without the assistance of Parliament. Parliament +did not like this, and the barons called upon him one evening with +concealed brass knuckles and things, and compelled him to once more +comply with the regulations of Magna Charta, which promise he rigidly +adhered to until the committee had turned the first corner outside the +royal lawn. + +[Illustration: THE BARONS COMPELLED HENRY III. TO PROMISE COMPLIANCE +WITH THE MAGNA CHARTA.] + +Possessing peculiar gifts as a versatile liar and boneless coward, and +being entirely free from the milk of human kindness or bowels of +compassion, his remains were eagerly sought after and yearned for by +scientists long before he decided to abandon them. + +Again, in 1258, he was required to submit to the requests of the barons; +but they required too much this time, and a civil war followed. + +Simon de Montfort, Earl of Leicester, at the head of the rebellious +barons, won a victory over the king in 1264, and took the monarch and +his son Edward prisoners. + +Leicester now ruled the kingdom, and not only called an extra session of +Parliament, but in 1265 admitted representatives of the towns and +boroughs, thereby instituting the House of Commons, where self-made +men might sit on the small of the back with their hats on and cry "Hear! +Hear!" + +The House of Commons is regarded as the bulwark of civil and political +liberty, and when under good police regulations is still a great boon. + +Prince Edward escaped from jail and organized an army, which in 1265 +defeated the rebels, and Leicester and his son were slain. The wicked +soldiery wreaked their vengeance upon the body of the fallen man, for +they took great pride in their prowess as wreakers; but in the hearts of +the people Leicester was regarded as a martyr to their cause. + +Henry III. was now securely seated once more upon his rather restless +throne, and as Edward had been a good boy for some time, his father gave +him permission to visit the Holy Land, in 1270, with Louis of France, +who also wished to go to Jerusalem and take advantage of the low Jewish +clothing market. In 1272 Henry died, during the absence of his son, +after fifty-six years of vacillation and timidity. He was the kind of +king who would sit up half of the night trying to decide which boot to +pull off first, and then, with a deep-drawn sigh, go to bed with them +on. + +Edward, surnamed "Longshanks," having collected many antiques, and cut +up a few also, returned and took charge of the throne. He found England +prosperous and the Normans and Saxons now thoroughly united and +homogeneous. Edward did not hurry home as some would have done, but sent +word to have his father's funeral made as cheery as possible, and +remained over a year in Italy and France. He was crowned in 1274. In a +short time, however, he had trouble with the Welsh, and in 1282, in +battle, the Welsh prince became somehow entangled with his own name so +that he tripped and fell, and before he could recover his feet was +slain. + +[Illustration: LONGSHANKS RECEIVES TIDINGS OF HIS FATHER'S DEATH.] + +Wales having been annexed to the crown, Edward's son was vested with its +government, and the heir-apparent has ever since been called the Prince +of Wales. It is a good position, but becomes irksome after fifty or +sixty years, it is said. + +[Illustration: CONQUEST OF WALES.] + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED: ILLUSTRATING THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW +AND THE PERVERSITY OF THE SCOT. + + +In 1278 the Jews, to the number of two hundred and eighty, were hanged +for having in their possession clipped coins. Shortly afterwards all the +Jews in England were imprisoned. Whenever times were hard the Jews were +imprisoned, and on one job lot alone twelve thousand pounds were +realized in ransom. And still the Jews are not yet considered as among +the redeemed. In 1290 they were all banished from the kingdom and their +property seized by the crown. This seizure of real estate turned the +attention of the Jews to the use of diamonds as an investment. For four +hundred years the Jews were not permitted to return to England. + +Scotch wars were kept up during the rest of Edward's reign; but in 1291, +with great reluctance, Scotland submitted, and Baliol, whose trouble +with Bruce had been settled in favor of the former, was placed upon the +throne. But the king was overbearing to Baliol, insomuch that the +Scotch joined with the Normans in war with England, which resulted, in +1293, in the destruction of the Norman navy. + +Philip then subpoenaed Edward, as Duke of Guienne, to show cause why he +should not pay damages for the loss of the navy, which could not be +replaced for less than twenty pounds, and finally wheedled Edward out of +the duchy. + +Philip maintained a secret understanding with Baliol, however, and +Edward called a parliament, founded upon the great principle that "what +concerns all should be approved by all." This was in 1295; and on this +declaration, so far as successful government is concerned, hang all the +law and the profits. + +The following year Edward marched into Scotland, where he captured +Baliol and sent him to France, where he died, in boundless obscurity, in +1297. Baliol was succeeded by the brave William Wallace, who won a great +battle at Stirling, but was afterwards defeated entirely at Falkirk, and +in 1305 was executed in London by request. + +But the Scotch called to their aid Robert Bruce, the grandson of +Baliol's competitor, and he was solemnly crowned at the Abbey of Scone. + +During a successful campaign against these people Edward fell sick, and +died in 1307. He left orders for the Scottish war to be continued till +that restless and courageous people were subdued. + +[Illustration: THE FRENCH KING ENTERS INTO A SECRET ALLIANCE WITH +BALIOL.] + +Edward was called the English Justinian; yet those acts for which he is +most famous were reluctantly done because of the demands made by a +determined people. + +During his reign gunpowder was discovered by Roger Bacon, whereby Guy +Fawkes was made possible. Without him England would still be a +slumbering fog-bank upon the shores of Time. + +[Illustration: ROGER BACON DISCOVERS GUNPOWDER.] + +Young Edward was not much of a monarch. He forgot to fight the Scots, +and soon Robert Bruce had won back the fortresses taken by the English, +and Edward II., under the influence of an attractive trifler named +Gaveston, dawdled away his days and frittered away his nights. Finally +the nobles, who disliked Gaveston, captured him and put him in Warwick +Castle, and in 1312 the royal favorite was horrified to find near him a +large pool of blood, and on a further search discovered his own head +lying in the gutter of the court. Turning sick at the gory sight, he +buried his face in his handkerchief and expired. + +The nobles were forgiven afterwards by the king, who now turned his +attention to the victorious Scots. + +Stirling Castle and the Fortress of Berwick alone remained to the +English, and Robert Bruce was besieging the latter. + +The English, numbering one hundred thousand, at Bannockburn fought +against thirty thousand Scots. Bruce surprised the cavalry with deep +pits, and before the English could recover from this, an approaching +reinforcement for the Scotch was seen coming over the hill. This +consisted of "supes," with banners and bagpipes; and though they were +really teamsters in disguise, their hostile appearance and the +depressing music of the bagpipes so shocked the English that they did +not stop running until they reached Berwick. The king came around to +Berwick from Dunbar by steamer, thus saving his life, and obtaining +much-needed rest on board the boat.[A] + +[Footnote A: Doubtless this is an error, so far as the steamer is +concerned; but the statement can do no harm, and the historian cannot be +positive in matters of this kind at all times, for the strain upon his +memory is too great. The critic, too, should not be forgotten in a work +of this kind. He must do something to support his family, or he will +become disliked.--AUTHOR.] + +Edward found himself now on the verge of open war with Ireland and +Wales, and the population of the Isle of Wight and another person, whose +name is not given, threatened to declare war. The English nobles, too, +were insubordinate, and the king, who had fallen under the influence of +a man named Spencer and his father, was required by the best society, +headed by Lancaster, to exile both of these wicked advisers. + +Afterwards the king attacked Lancaster with his army, and having +captured him, had him executed in 1322. + +[Illustration: UNFORTUNATE KING WAS TREATED WITH REVOLTING CRUELTY.] + +The Spencers now returned, and the queen began to cut up strangely and +create talk. She formed the acquaintance of Roger Mortimer, who +consented to act as her paramour. They organized a scheme to throw off +the Spencers and dethrone Edward the Thinkless, her husband, in 1325. + +Any one who has tried to be king even for a few weeks under the above +circumstances must agree with the historian that it is no moonlight +frolic. + +Edward fled to Wales, but in 1326 was requested to come home and remain +in jail there, instead of causing a scandal by staying away and spending +his money in Wales. He was confined in Kenilworth Castle, while his son +was ostensibly king, though his wife and Mortimer really managed the +kingdom and behaved in a scandalous way, Mortimer wearing the king's +clothes, shaving with his razor, and winding the clock every night as +though he owned the place.[A] This was in 1327. + +[Footnote A: The clock may safely be omitted from the above account, as +later information would indicate that this may be an error, though there +is no doubt that Mortimer at this time wore out two suits of the king's +pajamas.--Author.] + +In September the poor king was put to death by co-respondent Mortimer in +a painful and sickening manner, after having been most inhumanly +treated in Berkeley Castle, whither he had been removed. + +Thus ends the sad history of a monarch who might have succeeded in a +minor position on a hen farm, but who made a beastly fluke in the king +business. + +The assurance of Mortimer in treating the king as he did is a blot upon +the fair page of history in high life. Let us turn over a new leaf. + +[Illustration: ON A HEN FARM.] + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH: INTERMINABLE DISSENSION, ASSISTED BY THE +PLAGUE, CONTINUES REDUCING THE POPULATION. + + +It is a little odd, but it is true, that Edward III. was crowned at +fourteen and married at fifteen years of age. Princes in those days were +affianced as soon as they were weighed, and married before they got +their eyes open, though even yet there are many people who do not get +their eyes opened until after marriage. Edward married Philippa, +daughter of the Count of Hainault, to whom he had been engaged while +teething. + +In 1328 Mortimer mixed up matters with the Scots, by which he +relinquished his claim to Scotch homage. Being still the gentleman +friend of Isabella, the regent, he had great influence. He assumed, on +the ratification of the above treaty by Parliament, the title of Earl of +March. + +The young prince rose to the occasion, and directed several of his +nobles to forcibly drag the Earl of March from the apartments of the +guilty pair, and in 1330 he became the Earl of Double-Quick March--a +sort of forced March--towards the gibbet, where he was last seen trying +to stand on the English climate. The queen was kept in close confinement +during the rest of her life, and the morning papers of that time +contained nothing of a social nature regarding her doings. + +[Illustration: IN 1330 MORTIMER BECAME THE EARL OF DOUBLE-QUICK MARCH.] + +The Scots, under David Bruce, were defeated at Halidon Hill in 1333, and +Bruce fled to France. Thus again under a vassal of the English king, +Edward Baliol by name, the Scotch crooked the reluctant hinges of the +knee. + +Edward now claimed to be a more direct heir through Queen Isabella than +Philip, the cousin of Charles IV., who occupied the throne, so he +proceeded to vindicate himself against King Philip in the usual way. He +destroyed the French fleet in 1340, defeated Philip, though with +inferior numbers, at Crécy, and demonstrated for the first time that +cannon could be used with injurious results on the enemy. + +[Illustration: EDWARD DEMONSTRATED AT THE BATTLE OF CRÉCY THAT CANNON +COULD BE USED WITH VIGOROUS RESULTS.] + +In 1346 the Black Prince, as Edward was called, on account of the color +of the Russia iron used in making his mackintosh, may be said to have +commenced his brilliant military career. He captured Calais,--the key to +France,--and made it a flourishing English city and a market for wool, +leather, tin, and lead. It so continued for two hundred years. + +The Scotch considered this a good time to regain their independence, +and David Bruce took charge of the enterprise, but was defeated at +Neville's Cross, in 1346, and taken prisoner. + +Philippa here distinguished herself during the absence of the king, by +encouraging the troops and making a telling equestrian speech to them +before the battle. After the capture of Bruce, too, she repaired to +Calais, where she prevented the king's disgraceful execution of six +respectable citizens who had been sent to surrender the city. + +[Illustration: A CLOSE CALL FOR THE SIX CITIZENS OF CALAIS.] + +During a truce between the English and French, England was visited by +the Black Death, a plague that came from Asia and bade fair to +depopulate the country. London lost fifty thousand people, and at times +there were hardly enough people left to bury the dead or till the +fields. This contagion occurred in 1349, and even attacked the domestic +animals. + +[Illustration: NO MONARCH OF SPIRIT CARES TO HAVE HIS THRONE PULLED FROM +UNDER HIM JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO OCCUPY IT.] + +John having succeeded Philip in France, in 1350 Edward made another +effort to recover the French throne; but no monarch of spirit cares to +have his throne pulled from beneath him just as he is about to occupy +it, and so, when the Black Prince began to burn and plunder southern +France, his father made a similar excursion from Calais, in 1355. + +The next year the Black Prince sent twelve thousand men into the heart +of France, where they met an army of sixty thousand, and the English +general offered all his conquests cheerfully to John for the privilege +of returning to England; but John overstepped himself by demanding an +unconditional surrender, and a battle followed in which the French were +whipped out of their boots and the king captured. We should learn from +this to know when we have enough. + +This battle was memorable because the English loss was mostly confined +to the common soldiery, while among the French it was peculiarly fatal +to the nobility. Two dukes, nineteen counts, five thousand men-at-arms, +and eight thousand infantry were killed, and a bobtail flush royal was +found to have been bagged as prisoners. + +For four years John was a prisoner, but well treated. He was then +allowed to resume his renovated throne; but failing to keep good his +promises to the English, he came back to London by request, and died +there in 1364. + +The war continued under Charles, the new French monarch; and though +Edward was an able and courteous foe, in 1370 he became so irritated +because of the revolt of Limoges, notwithstanding his former kindness to +its people, that he caused three thousand of her citizens to be put to +the sword. + +The Black Prince fought no more, but after six years of illness died, +in 1376, with a good record for courage and statecraft. His father, the +king, survived him only a year, expiring in the sixty-fifth year of his +age, 1377. + +English literature was encouraged during his reign, and John Wickliffe, +Gower, Chaucer, and other men whose genius greatly outstripped their +orthography were seen to flourish some. + +[Illustration: A STRIKING ILLUSTRATION OF WAT TYLER'S CONTROVERSY WITH +THE TAX RECEIVER.] + +Edward III. was succeeded by his grandson, Richard, and war with France +was maintained, though Charles the Wise held his own, with the aid of +the Scotch under Robert II., the first of the Stuarts. + +A heavy war-tax was levied _per capita_ at the rate of three groats on +male and female above the age of fifteen, and those who know the value +of a groat will admit that it was too much. A damsel named Tyler, +daughter of Wat the Tyler, was so badly treated by the assessor that her +father struck the officer dead with his hammer, in 1381, and placed +himself at the head of a revolt, numbering one hundred thousand people, +who collected on Blackheath. Jack Straw and Rev. John Ball also aided in +the convention. The latter objected to the gentlemen on general +principles, claiming that Adam was no gentleman, and that Eve had still +less claim in that direction.[A] + +[Footnote A: Rev. John Ball chose as a war-cry and transparency these +words: + + "When Adam delved and Eve span, + Where was then the gentleman?" + +Those who have tried it in modern times say that to be a gentleman is no +sinecure, and the well-bred author falls in with this sentiment, though +still regarding it as a great boon.--HISTORIAN.] + +In this outbreak, and during the same year, the rebels broke into the +city of London, burned the palaces, plundered the warehouses, and killed +off the gentlemen wherever an _alibi_ could not be established, winding +up with the murder of the Archbishop of Canterbury. + +During a conference with Tyler, the king was so rudely addressed by Wat, +that Walworth, mayor of London, struck the rebel with his sword, and +others despatched him before he knew exactly Wat was Wat. + +Richard, to quiet this storm, acceded to the rebel demands until he +could get his forces together, when he ignored his promises in a right +royal manner in the same year. One of these concessions was the +abolition of slavery and the novel use of wages for farm work. By his +failure to keep this promise, serfdom continued in England four hundred +years afterwards. + +Richard now became unpopular, and showed signs of worthlessness. He +banished his cousin Henry, and dispossessed him of his estates. This, of +course, irritated Henry, who entered England while the king was in +Ireland, and his forces were soon joined by sixty thousand malecontents. + +Poor Richard wandered away to Wales, where he was in constant danger of +falling off, and after living on chestnuts knocked from the high trees +by means of his sceptre, he returned disgusted and took up his quarters +in the Tower, where he died of starvation in 1400. + +Nothing can be more pathetic than the picture of a king crying for +bread, yet willing to compromise on tarts. A friendless king sitting on +the hard stone floor of the Tower, after years spent on board of an +elastic throne with rockers under it, would move even the hardened +historian to tears. (A brief intermission is here offered for unavailing +tears.) + +[Illustration: A FRIENDLESS KING SITTING ON THE HARD STONE FLOOR OF THE +TOWER.] + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS: ONWARD MARCH OF CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY +DELINEATED WITH THE HISTORIAN'S USUAL COMPLETENESS. + + +The Plantagenet period saw the establishment of the House of Commons, +and cut off the power of the king to levy taxes without the consent of +Parliament. It also exchanged the judicial rough-and-tumble on horseback +for the trial by jury. Serfdom continued, and a good horse would bring +more in market than a man. + +Agriculture was still in its infancy, and the farmer refused to adopt a +new and attractive plough because it did not permit the ploughman to +walk near enough to his team, that he might twist the tail of the +patient bullock. + +The costumes of the period seem odd, as we look back upon them, for the +men wore pointed shoes with toes tied to the girdle, and trousers and +coat each of different colors: for instance, sometimes one sleeve was +black and the other white, while the ladies wore tall hats, sometimes +two feet high, and long trains. They also carried two swords in the +girdle, doubtless to protect them from the nobility. + +[Illustration: SLAVES WERE BOUGHT AND SOLD AT THE FAIRS.] + +Each house of any size had a "pleasance," and the "herberie," or physic +garden, which was the pioneer of the pie-plant bed, was connected with +the monasteries. + +[Illustration: ASTROLOGY WAS THE FAVORITE STUDY OF THOSE TIMES.] + +Roger Bacon was thrown into prison for having too good an education. +Scientists in those days always ran the risk of being surprised, and +more than one discoverer wound up by discovering himself in jail. + +Astrology was a favorite amusement, especially among the young people. + +Henry IV., son of John of Gaunt, fourth son of Edward III., became king +in 1399, though Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March, and great-grandson of +Lionel, the third son of Edward III., was the rightful heir. This boy +was detained in Windsor Castle by Henry's orders. + +[Illustration: HENRY PROTECTS THE CHURCH FROM HERESY.] + +Henry succeeded in catching a heretic, in 1401, and burned him at the +stake. This was the first person put to death in England for his +religious belief, and the occasion was the origin of the epitaph, "Well +done, good and faithful servant." + +Conspiracies were quite common in those days, one of them being +organized by Harry Percy, called "Hotspur" because of his irritability. +The ballad of Chevy Chase was founded upon his exploits at the battle of +Otterburn, in 1388. The Percys favored Mortimer, and so united with the +Welsh and Scots. + +A large fight occurred at Shrewsbury in 1403. The rebels were defeated +and Percy slain. Northumberland was pardoned, and tried it again, +assisted by the Archbishop of York, two years later. The archbishop was +executed in 1405. Northumberland made another effort, but was defeated +and slain. + +In 1413 Henry died, leaving behind him the record of a fraudulent +sovereign who was parsimonious, sour, and superstitious, without virtue +or religion. + +He was succeeded by his successor, which was customary at that time. +Henry V. was his son, a youth who was wild and reckless. He had been in +jail for insulting the chief-justice, as a result of a drunken frolic +and fine. He was real wild and bad, and had no more respect for his +ancestry than a chicken born in an incubator. Yet he reformed on taking +the throne. + +[Illustration: HENRY V. HAD ON ONE OCCASION BEEN COMMITTED TO PRISON.] + +Henry now went over to France with a view to securing the throne, but +did not get it, as it was occupied at the time. So he returned; but at +Agincourt was surprised by the French army, four times as large as his +own, and with a loss of forty only, he slew ten thousand of the French +and captured fourteen thousand. What the French were doing while this +slaughter was going on the modern historian has great difficulty in +figuring out. This battle occurred in 1415, and two years after Henry +returned to France, hoping to do equally well. He made a treaty at +Troyes with the celebrated idiot Charles VI., and promised to marry his +daughter Catherine, who was to succeed Charles upon his death, and try +to do better. Henry became Regent of France by this ruse, but died in +1422, and left his son Henry, less than a year old. The king's death was +a sad blow to England, for he was an improvement on the general run of +kings. Henry V. left a brother, the Duke of Bedford, who became +Protector and Regent of France; but when Charles the Imbecile died, his +son, Charles VII., rose to the occasion, and a war of some years began. +After some time, Bedford invaded southern France and besieged Orléans. + +[Illustration: HENRY, PROCLAIMED REGENT OF FRANCE, ENTERED PARIS IN +TRIUMPH.] + +Joan of Arc had been told of a prophecy to the effect that France could +only be delivered from the English by a virgin, and so she, though only +a peasant girl, yet full of a strange, eager heroism which was almost +inspiration, applied to the king for a commission. + +[Illustration: JOAN OF ARC INDUCES THE KING TO BELIEVE THE TRUTH OF HER +MISSION.] + +Inspired by her perfect faith and godlike heroism, the French fought +like tigers, and, in 1429, the besiegers went home. She induced the king +to be crowned in due form at Rheims, and asked for an honorable +discharge; but she was detained, and the English, who afterwards +captured her, burned her to death at Rouen, in 1431, on the charge of +sorcery. Those who did this afterwards regretted it and felt mortified. +Her death did the invaders no good; but above her ashes, and moistened +by her tears,--if such a feat were possible,--liberty arose once more, +and, in 1437, Charles was permitted to enter Paris and enjoy the town +for the first time in twenty years. In 1444 a truce of six years was +established. + +Henry was a disappointment, and, as Bedford was dead, the Duke of +Gloucester, the king's uncle, and Cardinal Beaufort, his guardian, had, +up to his majority, been the powers behind the throne. + +Henry married Margaret of Anjou, a very beautiful and able lady, who +possessed the qualities so lacking in the king. They were married in +1445, and, if living, this would be the four hundred and fifty-first +anniversary of their wedding. It is, anyway. (1896.) + +The provinces of Maine and Anjou were given by the king in return for +Margaret. Henry continued to show more and more signs of fatty +degeneration of the cerebrator, and Gloucester, who had opposed the +marriage, was found dead in his prison bed, whither he had been sent at +Margaret's request. The Duke of York, the queen's favorite, succeeded +him, and Somerset, another favorite, succeeded York. In 1451 it was +found that the English had lost all their French possessions except +Calais. + +Things went from bad to worse, and, in 1450, Jack Cade headed an +outbreak; but he was slain, and the king showing renewed signs of +intellectual fag, Richard, Duke of York, was talked of as the people's +choice on account of his descent from Edward III. He was for a few days +Protector, but the queen was too strongly opposed to him, and he +resigned. + +[Illustration: RICHARD AND HIS ADHERENTS RAISING AN ARMY FOR THE REDRESS +OF GRIEVANCES.] + +He then raised an army, and in a battle at St. Albans, in 1455, +defeated the royalists, capturing the king. This was the opening of the +War of the Roses,--so called because as badges the Lancastrians wore a +red rose and the Yorkists a white rose. This war lasted over thirty +years, and killed off the nobility like sheep. They were, it is said, +virtually annihilated, and thus a better class of nobility was +substituted. + +The king was restored; but in 1460 there occurred the battle of +Northampton, in which he was defeated and again taken prisoner by the +Earl of Warwick. + +[Illustration: BY REQUEST OF MARGARET, HIS HEAD WAS REMOVED FROM HIS +BODY TO THE GATES OF YORK.] + +Margaret was a woman of great spirit, and when the Duke of York was +given the throne she went to Scotland, and in the battle of Wakefield +her army defeated and captured the duke. At her request he was beheaded, +and his head, ornamented with a paper crown, placed on the gates of +York, as shown in the rather life-like--or death-like--etching on the +preceding page. + +The queen was for a time successful, and her army earned a slight +reputation for cruelty also; but Edward, son of the late Duke of York, +embittered somewhat by the flippant death of his father, was soon +victorious over the Lancastrians, and, in 1461, was crowned King of +England at a good salary, with the use of a large palace and a good well +of water and barn. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY: INTRODUCTION OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY +AID IN THE PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION. + + +Henry VI. left no royal record worth remembering save the establishment +of Eton and King's Colleges. Edward IV., who began his reign in 1461, +was bold and active. Queen Margaret's army of sixty thousand men which +attacked him was defeated and half her forces slaughtered, no quarter +being given. + +His title was now confirmed, and Margaret fled to Scotland. Three years +later she attempted again to secure the throne through the aid of Louis +XI., but failed. Henry, who had been in concealment, was now confined in +the Tower, as shown in the engraving on the following page. + +[Illustration: HENRY VI. IMPRESSED IN THE TOWER.] + +Edward's marriage was not satisfactory, and, as he bestowed all the +offices on his wife's relatives, Warwick deserted him and espoused the +cause of Queen Margaret. + +He had no trouble in raising an army and compelling Edward to flee. +Henry was taken from the Tower and crowned, his rights having been +recognized by Parliament. Warwick and his son-in-law, the Duke of +Clarence, brother to Edward IV., were made regents, therefore, in 1471. +Before the year was out, however, the tables were again turned, and +Henry found himself once more in his old quarters in the Tower. Warwick +was soon defeated and slain, and on the same day Margaret and her son +Edward landed in England. She and Edward were defeated and taken +prisoners at Tewkesbury, and the young prince cruelly put to death by +the Dukes of Clarence and Gloucester, brothers of Edward IV. Margaret +was placed in the Tower, and a day or two after Henry died mysteriously +there, it is presumed at the hands of Gloucester, who was socially an +unpleasant man to meet after dark. + +Margaret died in France, in 1482, and the Lancastrians gave up all hope. +Edward, feeling again secure, at the instigation of his younger +brother, Richard, Duke of Gloucester, caused Clarence, the other +brother, to be put to death, and then began to give his entire attention +to vice, never allowing his reign to get into his rum or interfere with +it. + +He was a very handsome man, but died, in 1483, of what the historian +calls a distemper. Some say he died of heart-failure while sleeping off +an attack of coma. Anyway, he turned up his comatose, as one might say, +and passed on from a spirituous life to a spiritual one, such as it may +be. He was a counterfeit sovereign. + +In 1474 the first book was printed in England, and more attention was +then paid to spelling. William Caxton printed this book,--a work on +chess. The form of the types came from Germany, and was used till James +I. introduced the Roman type. James I. took a great interest in plain +and ornamental job printing, and while trying to pick a calling card out +of the jaws of a crude job-press in the early years of his reign, +contributed a royal thumb to this restless emblem of progress and +civilization. (See next page.) + +[Illustration: JAMES I. CONTRIBUTING HIS MITE TO THE ADVANCEMENT OF +KNOWLEDGE.] + +The War of the Roses having destroyed the nobility, times greatly +improved, and Industry was declared constitutional. + +Edward V. at twelve years of age became king, and his uncle Dick, Duke +of Gloucester, became Protector. As such he was a disgrace, for he +protected nobody but himself. The young king and his brother, the Duke +of York, were placed in the Tower, and their uncle, Lord Hastings, and +several other offensive partisans, on the charge of treason, were +executed in 1483. He then made arrangements that he should be urged to +accept the throne, and with a coy and reluctant grace peculiar to this +gifted assassin, he caused himself to be proclaimed Richard III. + +[Illustration: DEATH OF BUCKINGHAM.] + +Richard then caused the young princes to be smothered in their beds, in +what is now called the Bloody Tower. The Duke of Buckingham was at first +loaded with honors in return for his gory assistance; but even he became +disgusted with the wicked usurper, and headed a Welsh rebellion. He was +not successful, and, in 1483, he received a slight testimonial from the +king, as portrayed by the gifted artist of this work. The surprise and +sorrow shown on the face of the duke, together with his thrift and +economy in keeping his cigar from being spattered, and his determination +that, although he might be put out, the cigar should not be, prove him +to have been a man of great force of character for a duke. + +Richard now espoused his niece, daughter of Edward IV., and in order to +make the home nest perfectly free from social erosion, he caused his +consort, Anne, to be poisoned. Those who believed the climate around the +throne to be bracing and healthful had a chance to change their views in +a land where pea-soup fog can never enter. Anne was the widow of Edward, +whom Richard slew at Tewkesbury. + +[Illustration: STONE COFFIN OF RICHARD III.] + +Every one felt that Richard was a disgrace to the country, and Henry, +Earl of Richmond, succeeded in defeating and slaying the usurper on +Bosworth Field, in 1485, when Henry was crowned on the battle-field. + +Richard was buried at Leicester; but during the reign of Henry VIII., +when the monasteries were destroyed, Richard's body was exhumed and his +stone coffin used for many years in that town as a horse-trough. + +Shakespeare and the historians give an unpleasant impression regarding +Richard's personality; but this was done in the interests of the Tudors, +perhaps. He was highly intelligent, and if he had given less attention +to usurpation, would have been more popular. + +Under the administrations of the houses of Lancaster and York serfdom +was abolished, as the slaves who were armed during the War of the Roses +would not submit again to slavery after they had fought for their +country. + +Agriculture suffered, and some of the poor had to subsist upon acorns +and wild roots. During those days Whittington was thrice Lord Mayor of +London, though at first only a poor boy. Even in the land of lineage +this poor lad, with a cat and no other means of subsistence, won his way +to fame and fortune. + +The manufacture of wool encouraged the growing of sheep, and, in 1455, +silk began to attract attention. + +During his reign Richard had known what it was to need money, and the +rich merchants and pawnbrokers were familiar with his countenance when +he came after office hours to negotiate a small loan. + +[Illustration: RICHARD HAS A CONFERENCE WITH THE MONEY-LENDER.] + +Science spent a great deal of surplus energy experimenting on alchemy, +and the Philosopher's Stone, as well as the Elixir of Life, attracted +much attention; but, as neither of these commodities are now on the +market, it is presumed that they were never successful. + +Printing may be regarded as the most valuable discovery during those +bloody years, showing that Peace hath her victories no less than War, +and from this art came the most powerful and implacable enemy to +Ignorance and its attendant crimes that Progress can call its own. + +No two authors spelled alike at that time, however, and the literature +of the day was characterized by the most startling originality along +that line. + +The drama began to bud, and the chief rôles were taken by the clergy. +They acted Bible scenes interspersed with local witticisms, and often +turned away money. + +Afterwards followed what were called Moral Plays, in which the bad man +always suffered intensely on a small salary. + +The feudal castles disappeared, and new and more airy architecture +succeeded them. A better class of furniture also followed; but it was +very thinly scattered through the rooms, and a person on rising from his +bed in the night would have some difficulty in falling over anything. +Tidies on the chairs were unknown, and there was only tapestry enough to +get along with in a sort of hand-to-mouth way. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE +INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER. + + +[Illustration: RICHARD III.] + +We will now write out a few personal recollections of Richard III. This +great monarch, of whom so much has been said pro and con,--but mostly +con,--was born at Fotheringhay Castle, October 2, 1452, in the presence +of his parents and a physician whose name has at this moment escaped the +treacherous memory of the historian. + +Richard was the son of Richard, Duke of York, and Cecily Neville, +daughter of the Earl of Westmoreland, his father being the legitimate +heir to the throne by descent in the female line, so he was the head of +the Yorkists in the War of the Roses. + +Richard's father, the Duke of York, while struggling one day with Henry +VI., the royal jackass that flourished in 1460, prior to the conquest +of the Fool-Killer, had the misfortune, while trying to wrest the throne +from Henry, to get himself amputated at the second joint. He was brought +home in two pieces, and ceased to draw a salary as a duke from that on. +This cast a gloom over Richard, and inspired in his breast a strong +desire to cut off the heads of a few casual acquaintances. + +He was but eight years of age at this time, and was taken prisoner and +sent to Utrecht, Holland. He was returned in good order the following +year. His elder brother Edward having become king, under the title of +Edward IV., Richard was then made Duke of Gloucester, Lord High Admiral, +Knight of the Garter, and Earl of Balmoral. + +It was at this time that he made the celebrated _bon-mot_ relative to +dogs as pets. + +Having been out the evening before attending a watermelon recital in the +country, and having contributed a portion of his clothing to a +barbed-wire fence and the balance to an open-faced Waterbury bull-dog, +some one asked him what he thought of the dog as a pet. + +Richard drew himself up to his full height, and said that, as a rule, he +favored the dog as a pet, but that the man who got too intimate with the +common low-browed bull-dog of the fifteenth century would find that it +must certainly hurt him in the end. + +[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT TOO INTIMATE WITH THE COMMON LOW-BROWED +BULL-DOG.] + +He resided for several years under the tutelage of the Earl of Warwick, +who was called the "Kingmaker," and afterwards, in 1470, fled to +Flanders, remaining fled for some time. He commanded the van of the +Yorkist army at the battle of Barnet, April 14, 1471, and Tewkesbury, +May 4, fighting gallantly at both places on both sides, it is said, and +admitting it in an article which he wrote for an English magazine. + +He has been accused of having murdered Prince Edward after the battle, +and also his father, Henry VI., in the Tower a few days later, but it is +not known to be a fact. + +Richard was attainted and outlawed by Parliament at one time; but he was +careful about what he ate, and didn't get his feet wet, so, at last, +having a good preamble and constitution, he pulled through. + +He married his own cousin, Anne Neville, who made a first-rate queen. +She got so that it was no trouble at all for her to reign while Dick was +away attending to his large slaughtering interests. + +Richard at this time was made Lord High Constable and Keeper of the +Pound. He was also Justiciary of North Wales, Seneschal of the Duchy of +Lancaster, and Chief of Police on the North Side. + +His brother Clarence was successfully executed for treason in February, +1478, and Richard, without a moment's hesitation, came to the front and +inherited the estates. + +[Illustration: RICHARD HAD A STORMY TIME.] + +Richard had a stormy time of it up to 1481, when he was made "protector +and defender of the realm" early in May. He then proceeded with a few +neglected executions. This list was headed--or rather beheaded--by Lord +Chamberlain Hastings, who tendered his resignation in a pail of saw-dust +soon after Richard became "protector and defender of the realm." Richard +laid claim to the throne in June, on the grounds of the illegitimacy of +his nephews, and was crowned July 6. So was his queen. They sat on this +throne for some time, and each had a sceptre with which to welt their +subjects over the head and keep off the flies in summer. Richard could +wield a sceptre longer and harder, it is said, than any other +middle-weight monarch known to history. The throne used by Richard is +still in existence, and has an aperture in it containing some very old +gin. + +The reason this gin was left, it is said, was that he was suddenly +called away from the throne and never lived to get back. No monarch +should ever leave his throne in too much of a hurry. + +Richard made himself very unpopular in 1485 by his forced loans, as they +were called: a system of assessing a man after dark with a self-cocking +writ and what was known as the headache-stick, a small weapon which was +worn up the sleeve during the day, and which was worn behind the ear by +the loyal subject after nightfall. It was a common sight, so says the +historian, to hear the nightfall and the headache-stick fall at the same +time. + +[Illustration: THEY SAT ON THE THRONE FOR SOME TIME.] + +The queen died in 1485, and Richard thought some of marrying again; but +it got into the newspapers because he thought of it while a +correspondent was going by, who heard it and telegraphed his paper who +the lady was and all about it. This scared Richard out, and he changed +his mind about marrying, concluding, as a mild substitute, to go into +battle at Bosworth and get killed all at once. He did so on the 22d of +August. + +[Illustration: A MILD SUBSTITUTE FOR SECOND MARRIAGE.] + +After his death it was found that he had rolled up his pantaloons above +his knees, so that he would not get gore on them. This custom was +afterwards generally adopted in England. + +He was buried by the nuns of Leicester in their chapel, Richmond then +succeeding him as king. He was buried in the usual manner, and a large +amount of obloquy heaped on him. + +That is one advantage of being great. After one's grave is filled up, +one can have a large three-cornered chunk of obloquy put on the top of +it to mark the spot and keep medical students away of nights. + +Greatness certainly has its drawbacks, as the Duchess of Bloomer once +said to the author, after she had been sitting on a dry-goods box with a +nail in it, and had, therefore, called forth adverse criticism. An +unknown man might have sat on that same dry-goods box and hung on the +same nail till he was black in the face without causing remarks, but +with the Duchess of Bloomer it was different,--oh, so different! + +[Illustration: TOMB OF RICHARD III.] + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD: GENERAL ADMIXTURE OF PRETENDERS, +RELIGION, POLITICS, AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS. + + +As a result of the Bosworth victory, Henry Tudor obtained the use of the +throne from 1485 to 1509. He saw at once by means of an eagle eye that +with the house of York so popular among his people, nothing but a firm +hand and eternal vigilance could maintain his sovereignty. He kept the +young Earl of Warwick, son of the Duke of Clarence, carefully indoors +with massive iron gewgaws attached to his legs, thus teaching him to be +backward about mingling in the false joys of society. + +Henry Tudor is known to history as Henry VII., and caused some adverse +criticism by delaying his nuptials with the Princess Elizabeth, daughter +of Edward IV. + +A pleasing practical joke at this time came near plunging the country +into a bloody war. A rumor having gone forth that the Earl of Warwick +had escaped from the Tower, a priest named Simon instructed a +good-looking young man-about-town named Lambert Simnel to play the +part, landed him in Ireland, and proceeded to call for troops. Strange +to say, in those days almost any pretender with courage stood a good +chance of winning renown or a hospitable grave in this way. But Lambert +was not made of the material generally used in the construction of great +men, and, though he secured quite an army, and the aid of the Earl of +Lincoln and many veteran troops, the first battle closed the comedy, and +the bogus sovereign, too contemptible even to occupy the valuable time +of the hangman, became a scullion in the royal kitchen, while Simon was +imprisoned. + +[Illustration: SIMON, A PRIEST OF OXFORD, TAKES LAMBERT THE PRETENDER TO +IRELAND.] + +For five years things were again dull, but at the end of that period an +understudy for Richard, Duke of York, arose and made pretensions. His +name was Perkin Warbeck, and though the son of a Flemish merchant, he +was a great favorite at social functions and straw rides. He went to +Ireland, where anything in the way of a riot was even then hailed with +delight, and soon the York family and others who cursed the reigning +dynasty flocked to his standard. + +France endorsed him temporarily until Charles became reconciled to +Henry, and then he dropped Perkin like a heated potato. Perk, however, +had been well entertained in Paris as the coming English king, and while +there was not permitted to pay for a thing. He now visited the Duchess +of Burgundy, sister of Edward IV., and made a hit at once. She gave him +the title of The White Rose of England (1493), and he was pleased to +find himself so popular when he might have been measuring molasses in +the obscurity of his father's store. + +Henry now felt quite mortified that he could not produce the evidence of +the murder of the two sons of Edward IV., so as to settle this gay +young pretender; but he did not succeed in finding the remains, though +they were afterwards discovered under the staircase of the White Tower, +and buried in Westminster Abbey, where the floor is now paved with +epitaphs, and where economy and grief are better combined, perhaps, than +elsewhere in the world, the floor and tombstone being happily united, +thus, as it were, killing two birds with one stone. + +But how sad it is to-day to contemplate the situation occupied by Henry, +forced thus to rummage the kingdom for the dust of two murdered princes, +that he might, by unearthing a most wicked crime, prevent the success of +a young pretender, and yet fearing to do so lest he might call the +attention of the police to the royal record of homicide, regicide, +fratricide, and germicide! + +Most cruel of all this sad history, perhaps, was the execution of +Stanley, the king's best friend in the past, who had saved his life in +battle and crowned him at Bosworth. In an unguarded moment he had said +that were he sure the young man was as he claimed, King Edward's son, +he--Stanley--would not fight against him. For this purely unpartisan +remark he yielded up his noble life in 1495. + +Warbeck for some time went about trying to organize cheap insurrections, +with poor success until he reached Scotland, where James IV. endorsed +him, and told him to have his luggage sent up to the castle. James also +presented his sister Catherine as a spouse to the giddy young scion of +the Flemish calico counter. James also assisted Perkin, his new +brother-in-law, in an invasion of England, which failed, after which the +pretender gave himself up. He was hanged amid great applause at Tyburn, +and the Earl of Warwick, with whom he had planned to escape, was +beheaded at Tower Hill. Thus, in 1499, perished the last of the +Plantagenets of the male kind. + +Henry hated war, not because of its cruelty and horrors, but because it +was expensive. He was one of the most parsimonious of kings, and often +averted war in order to prevent the wear and tear on the cannon. He +managed to acquire two million pounds sterling from the reluctant +tax-payer, yet no monarch ever received such a universal consent when he +desired to pass away. If any regret was felt anywhere, it was so deftly +concealed that his death, to all appearance, gave general and complete +satisfaction. + +[Illustration: A RELUCTANT TAX-PAYER.] + +After a reign of twenty-four years he was succeeded by his second son, +Henry, in 1509, the elder son, Arthur, having died previously. + +It was during the reign of Henry VII. that John and Sebastian Cabot were +fitted out and discovered North America in 1497, which paved the way +for the subsequent depopulation of Africa, Italy, and Ireland. South +America had been discovered the year before by Columbus. Henry VII. was +also the father of the English navy. + +The accession of Henry VIII. was now hailed with great rejoicing. He was +but eighteen years of age, but handsome and smart. He soon married +Catherine of Aragon, the widow of his brother Arthur. She was six years +his senior, and he had been betrothed to her under duress at his +eleventh year. + +A very fine snap-shot reproduction of Henry VIII. and Catherine in +holiday attire, from an old daguerreotype in the author's possession, +will be found upon the following page. + +[Illustration: HENRY VIII. AND CATHERINE.] + +Henry VIII. ordered his father's old lawyers, Empson and Dudley, tried +and executed for being too diligent in business. He sent an army to +recover the lost English possessions in France, but in this was +unsuccessful. He then determined to organize a larger force, and so he +sent to Calais fifty thousand men, where they were joined by Maximilian. +In the battle which soon followed with the French cavalry, they lost +their habitual _sang-froid_ and most of their hand-baggage in a wild and +impetuous flight. It is still called the Battle of the Spurs. This was +in 1513. + +In the report of the engagement sent to the king, nothing was said of +the German emperor for the reason, as was said by the commander, "that +he does not desire notice, and, in fact, Maximilian objections to the +use of his name." This remark still furnishes food for thought on rainy +days at Balmoral, and makes the leaden hours go gayly by. + +During the year 1513 the Scots invaded England under James, but though +their numbers were superior, they were sadly defeated at Flodden Field, +and when the battle was over their king and the flower of their nobility +lay dead upon the scene. + +[Illustration: WOLSEY OUTSHINES THE KING.] + +Wolsey, who was made cardinal in 1515 by the Pope, held a tremendous +influence over the young king, and indirectly ruled the country. He +ostensibly presented a humble demeanor, but in his innermost soul he was +the haughtiest human being that ever concealed beneath the cloak of +humility an inflexible, tough, and durable heart. + +On the death of Maximilian, Henry had some notion of preëmpting the +vacant throne, but soon discovered that Charles V. of Spain had a prior +lien to the same, and thus, in 1520, this new potentate became the +greatest power in the civilized world. It is hard to believe in the +nineteenth or twentieth century that Spain ever had any influence with +anybody of sound mind, but such the veracious historian tells us was +once the case. + +Francis, the French king, was so grieved and mortified over the success +of his Spanish rival that he turned to Henry for comfort, and at +Calais the two disgruntled monarchs spent a fortnight jousting, +tourneying, in-falling, out-falling, merry-making, swashbuckling, and +general acute gastritis. + +[Illustration: THE FIELD OF THE CLOTH OF GOLD.] + +It was a magnificent meeting, however, Wolsey acting as costumer, and +was called "The Field of the Cloth of Gold." Large, portly men with +whiskers wore purple velvet opera-cloaks trimmed with fur, and +Gainsborough hats with ostrich feathers worth four pounds apiece +(sterling). These corpulent warriors, who at Calais shortly before had +run till overtaken by nervous prostration and general debility, now wore +more millinery and breastpins and slashed velvet and satin facings and +tinsel than the most successful and highly painted and decorated +courtesans of that period. + +The treaty here made with so much pyrotechnical display and _éclat_ and +hand-embroidery was soon broken, Charles having caught the ear of Wolsey +with a promise of the papal throne upon the death of Leo X., which event +he joyfully anticipated. + +Henry, in 1521, scored a triumph and earned the title of Defender of the +Faith by writing a defence of Catholicism in answer to an article +written by Martin Luther attacking it. Leo died soon after, and, much to +the chagrin of Wolsey, was succeeded by Adrian VI. + +[Illustration: HENRY WRITES A TREATISE IN DEFENCE OF THE CATHOLIC +CHURCH.] + +War was now waged with France by the new alliance of Spain and +England; but success waited not upon the English arms, while, worse than +all, the king was greatly embarrassed for want of more scudii. Nothing +can be more pitiful, perhaps, than a shabby king waiting till all his +retainers have gone away before he dare leave the throne, fearing that +his threadbare retreat may not be protected. Henry tried to wring +something from Parliament, but without success, even aided by that +practical apostle of external piety and internal intrigue, Wolsey. The +latter, too, had a second bitter disappointment in the election of +Clement VII. to succeed Adrian, and as this was easily traced to the +chicanery of the emperor, who had twice promised the portfolio of +pontiff to Wolsey, the latter determined to work up another union +between Henry and France in 1523. + +War, however, continued for some time with Francis, till, in 1525, he +was defeated and taken prisoner. This gave Henry a chance to figure with +the queen regent, the mother of Francis, and a pleasant treaty was made +in 1526. The Pope, too, having been captured by the emperor, Henry and +Francis agreed to release and restore him or perish on the spot. Quite a +well-written and beguiling account of this alliance, together with the +Anne Boleyn affair, will be found in the succeeding chapter. + +[Illustration: CHARLES II. CONCEALED IN THE "ROYAL OAK," WHILE HIS +PURSUERS PASSED UNDER HIM (1651).] + +[Illustration: OLIVER CROMWELL IN DISSOLVING PARLIAMENT SEIZED THE MACE, +EXCLAIMING, "TAKE AWAY THIS BAUBLE!" (1653).] + +[Illustration: A BOOK ENTITLED "KILLING NO MURDER", BOLDLY ADVISING THE +REMOVAL OF THE USURPER, CAUSED CROMWELL CEASELESS ANXIETY (1658).] + +[Illustration: HENRY VIII. PLUNDERING THE CHURCHES AND MONASTERIES OF +THEIR POSSESSIONS.] + +[Illustration: AFTER THE DEATH OF JANE SEYMOUR, HENRY VIII. TURNED HIS +ATTENTION TO THE SELECTION OF A NEW QUEEN, DECIDING ON ANNE OF CLEVES, A +PROTESTANT PRINCESS WITH WHOSE PORTRAIT HE HAD BEEN HIGHLY PLEASED. THE +ORIGINAL SO GREATLY DISAPPOINTED HIM THAT HE SOON DIVORCED HER.] + +[Illustration: EDWARD VI., SUCCESSOR TO HENRY VIII., AETAT. TEN YEARS, +WHOSE ATTENTION TO HIS STUDIES AND THE GENTLENESS OF HIS DISPOSITION +MADE HIM MUCH BELOVED (1547-53).] + +[Illustration: THE GREAT INFLUX OF GOLD AND SILVER FROM THE NEW WORLD +CAUSED AN INCREASE IN THE PRICE OF COMMODITIES (1549).] + +[Illustration: THE CHERISHED OBJECT OF MARY WAS TO RESTORE THE CATHOLIC +RELIGION, AND HER CHIEF COUNSELLORS WERE BISHOPS GARDINER AND BONNER +(1554).] + +[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH (1558-1603).] + +[Illustration: SIR WALTER RALEIGH.] + +[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH SIGNING THE DEATH-WARRANT OF MARY QUEEN +OF SCOTS, 1587.] + +[Illustration: DEATH OF QUEEN ELIZABETH, MARCH 24, 1603. FOR TEN DAYS +PREVIOUS TO HER DEATH SHE LAY UPON THE FLOOR SUPPORTED BY CUSHIONS.] + +[Illustration: DISCOVERY OF THE GUNPOWDER PLOT (1605).] + +[Illustration: EFFIGY OF GUY FAWKES.] + +[Illustration: THE SCOTCH COULD NOT ENDURE ARCHBISHOP LAUD'S RITUALISTIC +PRACTICES, AND JENNY GEDDES THREW A STOOL AT HIS HEAD.] + +[Illustration: SIR WALTER RALEIGH, AT HIS EXECUTION, ASKED TO EXAMINE +THE AXE. HE POISED IT, AND RUNNING HIS THUMB ALONG THE EDGE, SAID, WITH +A SMILE, "THIS IS SHARP MEDICINE," ETC. (1618).] + +[Illustration: PRINCE CHARLES AND BUCKINGHAM TRAVEL TO SPAIN IN +DISGUISE, SO THAT THE FORMER MIGHT PAY HIS ADDRESSES IN PERSON TO THE +INFANTA.] + +[Illustration: CHARLES I. FORCED TO GIVE HIS ASSENT TO THE "PETITION OF +EIGHTS" (1628).] + +[Illustration: OLIVER CROMWELL.] + +[Illustration: EARL OF STRAFFORD RECEIVING LAUD'S BLESSING ON THE WAY +TO EXECUTION (1641).] + +[Illustration: SAMPLE PAGE OF ROUNDHEADS (1642).] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Comic History of England, by Bill Nye + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 11138-8.txt or 11138-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/1/3/11138/ + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Linda Cantoni and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: + https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + + diff --git a/old/11138-8.zip b/old/11138-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b23c7a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11138-8.zip diff --git a/old/11138.txt b/old/11138.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f03022e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11138.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3639 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Comic History of England, by Bill Nye + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Comic History of England + +Author: Bill Nye + +Release Date: February 18, 2004 [EBook #11138] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Linda Cantoni and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +[Illustration: LANDING OF THE ROMANS 54 B.C.] + + + +Bill Nye's + +Comic History of England + + + +HEREIN WILL BE FOUND A RECITAL OF THE MANY EVENTFUL EVENTS WHICH +TRANSPIRED IN ENGLAND FROM THE DRUIDS TO HENRY VIII. THE AUTHOR DOES NOT +FEEL IT INCUMBENT ON HIM TO PRESERVE MORE THAN THE DATES AND FACTS, AND +THESE ARE CORRECT, BUT THE LIGHTS AND SHADES OF THE VARIOUS PICTURES AND +THE ORNAMENTAL WORDS FURNISHED TO ADORN THE CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ARE +THE SOLE INVENTION OF THIS HISTORIAN. + + +[Illustration: KING RICHARD TRAVELING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY.] + + +ILLUSTRATED BY + +W.W. GOODES & A.M. RICHARDS + + + +1896 + + + + +PREFACE. + + +The readers of this volume will share our regret that the preface cannot +be written by Mr. Nye, who would have introduced his volume with a +characteristically appropriate and humorous foreword in perfect harmony +with the succeeding narrative. + +We need only say that this work is in the author's best vein, and will +prove not only amusing, but instructive as well; for the events, +successions, dates, etc., are correct, and the trend of actual facts is +adhered to. Of course, these facts are "embellished," as Mr. Nye would +say, by his fancy, and the leading historical characters are made to +play in fantastic _roles_. Underneath all, however, a shrewd knowledge +of human nature is betrayed, which unmasks motives and reveals the true +inwardness of men and events with a humorous fidelity. + +The unfortunate illness to which Mr. Nye finally succumbed prevented the +completion of his history beyond the marriage of Henry VIII. to Anne +Boleyn. + +[Illustration: LANDING OF WILLIAM, PRINCE OF ORANGE, AT TORBAY +(1688).] + + + +TABLE OF CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. + +INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF +BRITAIN + +CHAPTER II. + +THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL +ELIMINATION + +CHAPTER III. + +THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF +BRITAIN ON NEW LINES + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE INFLUX OF THE DANES: FACTS SHOWING CONCLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON +THE BRITON OF TO-DAY + +CHAPTER V. + +THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO +TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING CHRONIC USURPATION +PROCLIVITIES + +CHAPTER VII. + +OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS: FOREIGN FOIBLES INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE +EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND +IMPLACABLE DISCORD + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR +RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES + +CHAPTER X. + +THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS, +FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD + +CHAPTER XI + +CONQUEST OF IRELAND: UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF +AN ACQUISITORIAL PROPENSITY + +CHAPTER XII. + +MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED: SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING +AN UNPOPULAR AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE + +CHAPTER XIII. + +FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED: ILLUSTRATING THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW +AND THE PERVERSITY OF THE SCOT + +CHAPTER XIV. + +IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH: INTERMINABLE DISSENSION, ASSISTED BY THE +PLAGUE, CONTINUES REDUCING THE POPULATION + +CHAPTER XV. + +MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS: ONWARD MARCH OF CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY +DELINEATED WITH THE HISTORIAN'S USUAL COMPLETENESS + +CHAPTER XVI. + +UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY: INTRODUCTION OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY +AID IN THE PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION + +CHAPTER XVII. + +BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE +INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD: GENERAL ADMIXTURE OF PRETENDERS, +RELIGION, POLITICS, AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS + + + + +[Illustration: THE DEATH OF MARY REVIVED THE HOPES OF THE +FRIENDS OF JAMES II., AND CONSPIRACIES WERE FORMED.] + +[Illustration: DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.] + +[Illustration: GEORGE FOX.] + +[Illustration: GENERAL BANKRUPTCY AND RUIN FOLLOWED THE CLOSING OF THE +EXCHEQUER OR TREASURY BY CHARLES II. (1672).] + +[Illustration: CHARLES II.] + +[Illustration: DUKE OF MONMOUTH IMPLORING FORGIVENESS OF JAMES II. +(1685).] + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF +BRITAIN. + + +[Illustration: BUST OF CAESAR.] + +From the glad whinny of the first unicorn down to the tip end of the +nineteenth century, the history of Great Britain has been dear to her +descendants in every land, 'neath every sky. + +But to write a truthful and honest history of any country the historian +should, that he may avoid overpraise and silly and mawkish sentiment, +reside in a foreign country, or be so situated that he may put on a +false moustache and get away as soon as the advance copies have been +sent to the printers. + +The writer of these pages, though of British descent, will, in what he +may say, guard carefully against permitting that fact to swerve him for +one swift moment from the right. + +England even before Christ, as now, was a sort of money centre, and +thither came the Phoenicians and the Carthaginians for their tin. + +[Illustration: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN IN BRITAIN.] + +[Illustration: CAESAR CROSSING THE CHANNEL.] + +These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from +that, they had no good points. They dwelt in mud huts thatched with +straw. They had no currency and no ventilation,--no drafts, in other +words. Their boats were made of wicker-work plastered with clay. Their +swords were made of tin alloyed with copper, and after a brief skirmish, +the entire army had to fall back and straighten its blades. + +They also had short spears made with a rawhide string attached, so that +the deadly weapon could be jerked back again. To spear an enemy with +one of these harpoons, and then, after playing him for half an hour or +so, to land him and finish him up with a tin sword, constituted one of +the most reliable boons peculiar to that strange people. + +[Illustration: CAESAR TREATING WITH THE BRITONS.] + +Caesar first came to Great Britain on account of a bilious attack. On +the way across the channel a violent storm came up. The great emperor +and pantata believed he was drowning, so that in an instant's time +everything throughout his whole lifetime recurred to him as he went +down,--especially his breakfast. + +Purchasing a four-in-hand of docked unicorns, and much improved in +health, he returned to Rome. + +Agriculture had a pretty hard start among these people, and where now +the glorious fields of splendid pale and billowy oatmeal may be seen +interspersed with every kind of domestic and imported fertilizer in +cunning little hillocks just bursting forth into fragrance by the +roadside, then the vast island was a quaking swamp or covered by +impervious forests of gigantic trees, up which with coarse and shameless +glee would scamper the nobility. + +(Excuse the rhythm into which I may now and then drop as the plot +develops.--AUTHOR.) + +Caesar later on made more invasions: one of them for the purpose of +returning his team and flogging a Druid with whom he had disagreed +religiously on a former trip. (He had also bought his team of the +Druid.) + +The Druids were the sheriffs, priests, judges, chiefs of police, +plumbers, and justices of the peace. + +[Illustration: PLOUGHING 51 B.C.] + +They practically ran the place, and no one could be a Druid who could +not pass a civil service examination. + +[Illustration: DRUID SACRIFICES.] + +They believed in human sacrifice, and often of a bright spring morning +could have been seen going out behind the bush to sacrifice some one who +disagreed with them on some religious point or other. + +The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the +winter. They worshipped almost everything that had been left out +overnight, and their motto was, "Never do anything unless you feel like +it very much indeed." + +Caesar was a broad man from a religious point of view, and favored +bringing the Druids before the grand jury. For uttering such sentiments +as these the Druids declared his life to be forfeit, and set one of +their number to settle also with him after morning services the question +as to the matter of immersion and sound money. + +Religious questions were even then as hotly discussed as in later times, +and Caesar could not enjoy society very much for five or six days. + +[Illustration: MONUMENT OF AGRICULTURE, OR ANCIENT SCARECROW.] + +At Stonehenge there are still relics of a stone temple which the Druids +used as a place of idolatrous worship and assassination. On Giblet Day +people came for many miles to see the exercises and carry home a few +cutlets of intimate friends. + +After this Rome sent over various great Federal appointees to soften and +refine the people. Among them came General Agricola with a new kind of +seed-corn and kindness in his heart. + +[Illustration: AGRICOLA ENCOURAGES AGRICULTURE.] + +He taught the barefooted Briton to go out to the pump every evening and +bathe his chapped and soil-kissed feet and wipe them on the grass before +retiring, thus introducing one of the refinements of Rome in this cold +and barbaric clime. + +Along about the beginning of the Christian "Erie," says an elderly +Englishman, the Queen Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans who +carried on there in England just as they had been in the habit of doing +at home,--cutting up like a hallowe'en party in its junior year,--that +she got her Britons together, had a steel dress made to fight in +comfortably and not tight under the arms, then she said, "Is there any +one here who hath a culverin with him?" One was soon found and fired. +This by the Romans was regarded as an opening of hostilities. Her fire +was returned with great eagerness, and victory was won in the city of +London over the Romans, who had taunted the queen several times with +being seven years behind the beginning of the Christian Era in the +matter of clothes. + +[Illustration: ROMAN COAT OF ARMS.] + +Boadicea won victories by the score, and it is said that under the besom +of her wrath seventy thousand Roman warriors kissed the dust. As she +waved her sceptre in token of victory the hat-pin came out of her crown, +and wildly throwing the "old hot thing" at the Roman general, she missed +him and unhorsed her own chaperon. + +Disgusted with war and the cooking they were having at the time, she +burst into tears just on the eve of a general victory over the Romans +and poisoned herself. + +[Illustration: DEATH OF BOADICEA.] + +N.B.--Many thanks are due to the author, Mr. A. Barber, for the use of +his works entitled "Half-Hours with Crowned Heads" and "Thoughts on +Shaving Dead People on Whom One Has Never Called," cloth, gilt top. + +I notice an error in the artist's work which will be apparent to any one +of moderate intelligence, and especially to the Englishman,--viz., that +the tin discovered by the Phoenicians is in the form of cans, etc., +formerly having contained tinned meats, fruits, etc. This book, I fear, +will be sharply criticised in England if any inaccuracy be permitted to +creep in, even through the illustrations. It is disagreeable to fall out +thus early with one's artist, but the writer knows too well, and the +sting yet burns and rankles in his soul where pierced the poisoned dart +of an English clergyman two years ago. The writer had spoken of Julius +Caesar's invasion of Britain for the purpose of replenishing the Roman +stock of umbrellas, top-coats, and "loydies," when the clergyman said, +politely but very firmly, "that England then had no top-coats or +umbrellas." The writer would not have cared, had there not been others +present. + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL +ELIMINATION. + + +Agricola no doubt made the Roman yoke easier upon the necks of the +conquered people, and suggested the rotation of crops. He also invaded +Caledonia and captured quite a number of Scotchmen, whom he took home +and domesticated. + +Afterwards, in 121 A.D., the emperor Hadrian was compelled to build a +wall to keep out the still unconquered Caledonians. This is called the +"Picts' Wall," and a portion of it still exists. Later, in 208 A.D., +Severus built a solid wall of stone along this line, and for seventy +years there was peace between the two nations. + +Towards the end of the third century Carausius, who was appointed to the +thankless task of destroying the Saxon pirates, shook off his allegiance +to the emperor Diocletian, joined the pirates and turned out Diocletian, +usurping the business management of Britain for some years. But, alas! +he was soon assassinated by one of his own officers before he could +call for help, and the assassin succeeded him. In those days +assassination and inauguration seemed to go hand-in-hand. + +[Illustration: ASSASSINATION OF CARAUSIUS.] + +After Constantius, who died 306 A.D., came Constantine the Great, his +son by a British princess. + +Under Constantine peace again reigned, but the Irish, who desired to +free Ireland even if they had to go abroad and neglect their business +for that purpose, used to invade Constantine's territory, getting him up +at all hours of the night and demanding that he should free Ireland. + +These men were then called Picts, hence the expression "picked men." +They annoyed Constantine by coming over and trying to introduce Home +Rule into the home of the total stranger. + +The Scots also made turbulent times by harassing Constantine and seeking +to introduce their ultra-religious belief at the muzzle of the crossgun. + +Trouble now came in the latter part of the fourth century A.D., caused +by the return of the regular Roman army, which went back to Rome to +defend the Imperial City from the Goths who sought to "stable their +stock in the palace of the Caesars," as the historian so tersely puts +it. + +[Illustration: THE PICTS INCULCATING HOME RULE PRINCIPLES.] + +In 418 A.D., the Roman forces came up to London for the summer, and +repelled the Scots and Picts, but soon returned to Rome, leaving the +provincial people of London with disdain. Many of the Roman officers +while in Britain had their clothes made in Rome, and some even had their +linen returned every thirty days and washed in the Tiber. + +[Illustration: IRRITABILITY OF THE BARBARIAN.] + +In 446 A.D., the Britons were extremely unhappy. "The barbarians throw +us into the sea and the sea returns us to the barbarians," they +ejaculated in their petition to the conquering Romans. But the latter +were too busy fighting the Huns to send troops, and in desperation the +Britons formed an alliance with Hengist and Horsa, two Saxon travelling +men who, in 449 A.D., landed on the island of Thanet, and thus ended the +Roman dominion over Britain. + +[Illustration: LANDING OF HENGIST AND HORSA.] + +The Saxons were at that time a coarse people. They did not allow +etiquette to interfere with their methods of taking refreshment, and, +though it pains the historian at all times to speak unkindly of his +ancestors who have now passed on to their reward, he is compelled to +admit that as a people the Saxons may be truly characterized as a great +National Appetite. + +During the palmy days when Rome superintended the collecting of customs +and regulated the formation of corporations, the mining and smelting of +iron were extensively carried on and the "walking delegate" was +invented. The accompanying illustration shows an ancient strike. + +[Illustration: DISCOMFORTS OF THE EARLY LABOR AGITATOR.] + +Rome no doubt did much for England, for at that time the Imperial City +had 384 streets, 56,567 palaces, 80 golden statues, 2785 bronze statues +of former emperors and officers, 41 theatres, 2291 prisons, and 2300 +perfumery stores. She was in the full flood of her prosperity, and had +about 4,000,000 inhabitants. + +In those days a Roman Senator could not live on less than $80,000 per +year, and Marcus Antonius, who owed $1,500,000 on his inaugural, March +15, paid it up March 17, and afterwards cleared $720,000,000. This he +did by the strictest economy, which he managed to have attended to by +the peasantry. + +Even a literary man in Rome could amass property, and Seneca died worth +$12,000,000. Those were the flush times in Rome, and England no doubt +was greatly benefited thereby; but, alas! "money matters became scarce," +and the poor Briton was forced to associate with the delirium tremens +and massive digestion of the Saxon, who floated in a vast ocean of lard +and wassail during his waking hours and slept with the cunning little +piglets at night. His earthen floors were carpeted with straw and +frescoed with bones. + +Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our ancestors, whose lives +were marked by an eternal combat between malignant alcoholism and +trichinosis. Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but +wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it. + +[Illustration: THE SAXON IDEA OF HEAVEN.] + +To drink from the skulls of their dead enemies was a part of their +religion, and there were no heretics among them.[A] + +[Footnote A: The artist has very ably shown here a devoted little band +of Saxons holding services in a basement. In referring to it as +"abasement," not the slightest idea of casting contumely or obloquy on +our ancestors is intended by the humble writer of pungent but sometimes +unpalatable truth.] + +Christianity was introduced into Britain during the second century, and +later under Diocletian the Christians were greatly persecuted. +Christianity did not come from Rome, it is said, but from Gaul. Among +the martyrs in those early days was St. Alban, who had been converted by +a fugitive priest. The story of his life and death is familiar. + +The Bible had been translated, and in 314 A.D. Britain had three +Bishops, viz., of London, Lincoln, and York. + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF +BRITAIN ON NEW LINES. + + +With the landing of Hengist and Horsa English history really begins, for +Caesar's capture of the British Isles was of slight importance viewed in +the light of fast-receding centuries. There is little to-day in the +English character to remind one of Caesar, who was a volatile and +epileptic emperor with massive and complicated features. + +The rich warm blood of the Roman does not mantle in the cheek of the +Englishman of the present century to any marked degree. The Englishman, +aping the reserve and hauteur of Boston, Massachusetts, is, in fact, the +diametrical antipode of the impulsive, warm-hearted, and garlic-imbued +Roman who revels in assassination and gold ear-bobs. + +The beautiful daughter of Hengist formed an alliance with Vortigern, the +royal foreman of Great Britain,--a plain man who was very popular in the +alcoholic set and generally subject to violent lucid intervals which +lasted until after breakfast; but the Saxons broke these up, it is said, +and Rowena encouraged him in his efforts to become his own worst enemy, +and after two or three patent-pails-full of wassail would get him to +give her another county or two, until soon the Briton saw that the Saxon +had a mortgage on the throne, and after it was too late, he said that +immigration should have been restricted. + +[Illustration: ROWENA CAPTIVATES VORTIGERN.] + +Kent became the first Saxon kingdom, and remained a powerful state for +over a century. + +More Saxons now came, and brought with them yet other Saxons with yet +more children, dogs, vodka, and thirst. The breath of a Saxon in a +cucumber-patch would make a peck of pickles per moment. + +The Angles now came also and registered at the leading hotels. They were +destined to introduce the hyphen on English soil, and plant the orchards +on whose ancestral branches should ultimately hang the Anglo-Saxon race, +the progenitors of the eminent aristocracy of America. + +Let the haughty, purse-proud American--in whose warm life current one +may trace the unmistakable strains of bichloride of gold and +trichinae--pause for one moment to gaze at the coarse features and +bloodshot eyes of his ancestors, who sat up at nights drenching their +souls in a style of nepenthe that it is said would remove moths, tan, +freckles, and political disabilities. + +[Illustration: ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT, PROCLAIMED "BRETWALDA."] + +The seven states known as the Saxon Heptarchy were formed in the sixth +and seventh centuries, and the rulers of these states were called +"Bretwaldas," or Britain-wielders. Ethelbert, King of Kent, was +Bretwalda for fifty years, and liked it first-rate. + +[Illustration: AUGUSTINE KINDLY RECEIVED BY ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT.] + +A very good picture is given here showing the coronation of Ethelbert, +copied from an old tin-type now in the possession of an aged and +somewhat childish family in Philadelphia who descended from Ethelbert +and have made no effort to conceal it. + +Here also the artist has shown us a graphic picture of Ethelbert +supported by his celebrated ingrowing moustache receiving Augustine. +They both seem pleased to form each other's acquaintance, and the +greeting is a specially appetizing one to the true lover of Art for +Art's sake. + +For over one hundred and fifty years the British made a stubborn +resistance to the encroachments of these coarse people, but it was +ineffectual. Their prowess, along with a massive appetite and other hand +baggage, soon overran the land of Albion. Everywhere the rude warriors +of northern Europe wiped the dressing from their coarse red whiskers on +the snowy table-cloth of the Briton. + +[Illustration: THEY WIPED THEIR COARSE RED WHISKERS ON THE SNOWY +TABLE-CLOTH.] + +In West Wales, or Dumnonia, was the home of King Arthur, so justly +celebrated in song and story. Arthur was more interesting to the poet +than the historian, and probably as a champion of human rights and a +higher civilization should stand in that great galaxy occupied by Santa +Claus and Jack the Giant-Killer. + +The Danes or Jutes joined the Angles also at this time, and with the +Saxons spread terror, anarchy, and common drunks all over Albion. Those +who still claim that the Angles were right Angles are certainly +ignorant of English history. They were obtuse Angles, and when bedtime +came and they tried to walk a crack, the historian, in a spirit of +mischief, exclaims that they were mostly a pack of Isosceles Try Angles, +but this doubtless is mere badinage. + +They were all savages, and their religion was entirely unfit for +publication. Socially they were coarse and repulsive. Slaves did the +housework, and serfs each morning changed the straw bedding of the lord +and drove the pigs out of the boudoir. The pig was the great social +middle class between the serf and the nobility: for the serf slept with +the pig by day, and the pig slept with the nobility at night. + +And yet they were courageous to a degree (the Saxons, not the pigs). +They were fearless navigators and reckless warriors. Armed with their +rude meat-axes and one or two Excalibars, they would take something in +the way of a tonic and march right up to the mouth of the great Thomas +catapult, or fall in the moat with a courage that knew not, recked not +of danger. + +Christianity was first preached in Great Britain in 597 A.D., at the +suggestion of Gregory, afterwards Pope, who by chance saw some Anglican +youths exposed for sale in Rome. They were fine-looking fellows, and the +good man pitied their benighted land. Thus the Roman religion was +introduced into England, and was first to turn the savage heart towards +God. + +[Illustration: EGBERT GAINS A GREAT VICTORY OVER THE FRENCH INVADERS.] + +Augustine was very kindly received by Ethelbert, and invited up to the +house. Augustine met with great success, for the king experienced +religion and was baptized, after which many of his subjects repented and +accepted salvation on learning that it was free. As many as ten thousand +in one day were converted, and Augustine was made Archbishop of +Canterbury. On a small island in the Thames he built a church dedicated +to St. Peter, where now is Westminster Abbey, a prosperous sanctuary +entirely out of debt. + +The history of the Heptarchy is one of murder, arson, rapine, assault +and battery, breach of the peace, petty larceny, and the embezzlement of +the enemy's wife. + +In 827, Egbert, King of Wessex and Duke of Shandygaff, conquered all his +foes and became absolute ruler of England (Land of the Angles). Taking +charge of this angular kingdom, he established thus the mighty country +which now rules the world in some respects, and which is so greatly +improved socially since those days. + +Two distinguished scholars flourished in the eighth century, Bede and +Alcuin. They at once attracted attention by being able to read coarse +print at sight. Bede wrote the Ecclesiastical History of the Angles. It +is out of print now. Alcuin was a native of York, and with the aid of a +lump of chalk and the side of a vacant barn could figure up things and +add like everything. Students flocked to him from all over the country, +and matriculated by the dozen. If he took a fancy to a student, he would +take him away privately and show him how to read. + +The first literary man of note was a monk of Whitby named Caedmon, who +wrote poems on biblical subjects when he did not have to monk. His works +were greatly like those of Milton, and especially like "Paradise Lost," +it is said. + +Gildas was the first historian of Britain, and the scathing remarks +made about his fellow-countrymen have never been approached by the most +merciless of modern historians. + +The book was highly interesting, and it is a wonder that some +enterprising American publisher has not appropriated it, as the author +is now extremely dead. + +[Illustration: A DISCIPLE OF THE LIQUID RELIGION PRACTISED BY THE +SAXON.] + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +THE INFLUX OF THE DANES: FACTS SHOWING CONCLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON +THE BRITON OF TO-DAY. + + +And now, having led the eager student up to the year 827 A.D., let us +take him forward from the foundation of the English monarchy to the days +of William the Conqueror, 1066. + +Egbert, one of the kings of Wessex, reigned practically over Roman +Britain when the country was invaded by the Northmen (Swedes, +Norwegians, and Danes), who treated the Anglo-Saxon as the Anglo-Saxon +had formerly treated the poor Briton. + +These Northmen were rather coarse people, and even put the Anglo-Saxons +to the blush sometimes. They exercised vigorously, and thus their +appetites were sharp enough to cut a hair. They at first came in the +capacity of pirates,--sliding stealthily into isolated coast settlements +on Saturday evening and eating up the Sunday victuals, capturing the +girls of the Bible-class and sailing away. But later they came as +conquerors, and boarded with the peasantry permanently. + +Egbert formed an alliance with his old enemies, the Welsh, and gained a +great victory over the Northmen; but when he died and left Ethelwolf, +his son, in charge of the throne, he made a great mistake. Ethelwolf was +a poor king, "being given more to religious exercises than reigning," +says the historian. He would often exhibit his piety in order to draw +attention away from His Royal Incompetency. He was not the first or last +to smother the call to duty under the cry of Hallelujah. Like the little +steamer engine with the big whistle, when he whistled the boat stopped. +He did not have a boiler big enough to push the great ship of state and +shout Amen at the same time. + +Ethelwolf defeated the enemy in one great battle, but too late to +prevent a hold-up upon the island of Thanet, and afterwards at Shippey, +near London, where the enemy settled himself. + +Yet Ethelwolf made a pilgrimage to Rome with Alfred, then six years old +(A.D. 855). He was gone a year, during which time very little reigning +was done at home, and the Northmen kept making treaties and coming over +in larger droves. + +Ethelwolf visited Charles the Bald of France at this time, and married +his daughter Judith incidentally. Ethelwolf's eldest son died during the +king's absence, and was succeeded as eldest son by Ethelbald +(heir-apparent, though he had no hair apparent), who did not recognize +the old gentleman or allow him to be seated on his own throne when he +came back; but Ethelwolf gave the naughty Ethelbald the western half of +the kingdom rather than have trouble. But Baldy died, and was succeeded +by Ethelbert, who died six years later, and Ethelred, in 866, took +charge till 871, when he died of a wound received in battle and closed +out the Ethel business to Alfred. + +The Danes had meantime rifled the country with their cross-guns and +killed Edmund, the good king of East Anglia, who was afterwards +canonized, though gunpowder had not then been invented. + +Alfred was not only a godly king, but had a good education, and was a +great admirer of Dickens and Thackeray. (This is put in as a titbit for +the critic.) + +He preferred literature to the plaudits of the nobility and the +sedentary life on a big white-oak throne. On the night before his +coronation his pillow was wet with tears. + +And in the midst of it all here came the Danes wearing heavy woollen +clothes and introducing their justly celebrated style of honest sweat. + +Alfred fought as many as eight battles with them in one year. They +agreed at last to accept such portions of the country as were assigned +them, but they were never known to abide by any treaty, and they put +the red man of America to shame as prevaricators. + +Thus, by 878, the wretched Saxons were at their wit's end, and have +never been able to take a joke since at less than thirty days. + +Some fled to Wales and perished miserably trying to pronounce the names +of their new post-office addresses. + +[Illustration: ALFRED, DISGUISED AS A GLEEMAN, IS INTRODUCED TO +GUTHRUN.] + +Here Alfred's true greatness stood him in good stead. He secured a +number of reliable retainers and camped in the swamps of Somersetshire, +where he made his head-quarters on account of its inaccessibility, and +then he made raids on the Danes. Of course he had to live roughly, and +must deny himself his upright piano for his country's good. + +In order to obtain a more thorough knowledge of the Danes and their +number, he disguised himself as a harper, or portable orchestra, and +visited the Danish camp, where he was introduced to Guthrun and was +invited to a banquet, where he told several new anecdotes, and spoke in +such a humorous way that the army was sorry to see him go away, and +still sorrier when, a few days later, armed _cap-a-pie_, he mopped up +the greensward with his enemy and secured the best of terms from him. + +While _incog._, Alfred stopped at a hut, where he was asked to turn the +pancakes as they required it; but in the absence of the hostess he got +to thinking of esoteric subjects, or something profound, and allowed the +cakes to burn. The housewife returned in time to express her sentiments +and a large box to his address as shown in the picture. + +[Illustration: ALFRED LETTING THE CAKES BURN.] + +He now converted Guthrun and had him immersed, which took first-rate, +and other Danes got immersed. Thus the national antagonism to water was +overcome, and to-day the English who are descended from the Danes are +not appalled at the sight of water. + +As a result of Guthrun's conversion, the Danes agreed to a permanent +settlement along the exposed portion of Great Britain, by which they +became unconsciously a living rampart between the Saxons and other +incursionists. + +Now peace began to reign up to 893, and Alfred improved the time by +rebuilding the desolated cities,--London especially, which had become a +sight to behold. A new stock-law, requiring the peasantry to shut up +their unicorns during certain seasons of the year and keep them out of +the crops, also protecting them from sportsmen while shedding their +horns in spring, or moulting, it is said, was passed, but the English +historians are such great jokers that the writer has had much difficulty +in culling the facts and eliminating the persiflage from these writings. + +Alfred the Great only survived his last victory over the Danes, at Kent, +a few years, when he died greatly lamented. He was a brave soldier, a +successful all-around monarch, and a progressive citizen in an age of +beastly ignorance, crime, superstition, self-indulgence, and pathetic +stupidity. + +[Illustration: ALFRED ESTABLISHED SCHOOLS.] + +He translated several books for the people, established or repaired the +University of Oxford, and originated the idea, adopted by the Japanese a +thousand years later, of borrowing the scholars of other nations, and +cheerfully adopting the improvements of other countries, instead of +following the hide-bound and stupid conservatism and ignorance +bequeathed by father to son, as a result of blind and offensive pride, +which is sometimes called patriotism. + +[Illustration: KING ALFRED TRANSLATED SEVERAL BOOKS.] + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO +TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT. + + +The Ethels now made an effort to regain the throne from Edward the +Elder. Ethelwold, a nephew of Edward, united the Danes under his own +banner, and relations were strained between the leaders until 905, when +Ethelwold was slain. Even then the restless Danes and frontier settlers +were a source of annoyance until about 925, when Edward died; but at his +death he was the undisputed king of all Britain, and all the various +sub-monarchs and associate rulers gave up their claims to him. He was +assisted in his affairs of state by his widowed sister, Ethelfleda. +Edward the Elder had his father's ability as a ruler, but was not so +great as a scholar or _litterateur_. He had not the unfaltering devotion +to study nor the earnest methods which made Alfred great. Alfred not +only divided up his time into eight-hour shifts,--one for rest, meals, +and recreation, one for the affairs of state, and one for study and +devotion,--but he invented the candle with a scale on it as a +time-piece, and many a subject came to the throne at regular periods to +set his candle by the royal lights. + +[Illustration: CAME TO THE THRONE AT REGULAR PERIODS TO SET THEIR +CANDLES BY THE ROYAL LIGHT.] + +Think of those days when the Sergeant-at-Arms of Congress could not turn +back the clock in order to assist an appropriation at the close of the +session, but when the light went out the session closed. + +Athelstan succeeded his father, Edward the Presiding Elder, and +resembled him a good deal by defeating the Welsh, Scots, and Danes. In +those days agriculture, trade, and manufacturing were diversions during +the summer months; but the regular business of life was warfare with the +Danes, Scots, and Welsh. + +These foes of England could live easily for years on oatmeal, sour milk, +and cod's heads, while the fighting clothes of a whole regiment would +have been a scant wardrobe for the Greek Slave, and after two centuries +of almost uninterrupted carnage their war debt was only a trifle over +eight dollars. + +Edmund, the brother of Ethelstan, at the age of eighteen, succeeded his +brother on the throne. + +One evening, while a little hilarity was going on in the royal +apartments, Edmund noticed among the guests a robber named Leolf, who +had not been invited. Probably he was a pickpocket; and as a royal +robber hated anybody who dropped below grand larceny, the king ordered +his retainers to put him out. + +But the retainers shrank from the undertaking, therefore Edmund sprang +from the throne like a tiger and buried his talons in the robber's +tresses. There was a mixture of feet, legs, teeth, and features for a +moment, and when peace was restored King Edmund had a watch-pocket full +of blood, and the robber chieftain was wiping his stabber on one of the +royal tidies. + +[Illustration: EDMUND THROWING LEOLF OUT.] + +Edred now succeeded the deceased Edmund, his brother, and with a heavy +heart took up the eternal job of fighting the Danes. Edred set up a +sort of provincial government over Northumberland, the refractory +district, and sent a governor and garrison there to see that the Danes +paid attention to what he said. St. Dunstan had considerable influence +over Edred, and was promoted a great deal by the king, who died in the +year 955. + +He was succeeded by Edwy the Fair, who was opposed by another Ethel. +Between the Ethels and the Welsh and Danes, there was little time left +in England for golf or high tea, and Edwy's reign was short and full of +trouble. + +He had trouble with St. Dunstan, charging him with the embezzlement of +church funds, and compelled him to leave the country. This was in +retaliation for St. Dunstan's overbearing order to the king. One +evening, when a banquet was given him in honor of his coronation, the +king excused himself when the speeches got rather corky, and went into +the sitting-room to have a chat with his wife, Elgiva, of whom he was +very fond, and her mother. St. Dunstan, who had still to make a speech +on Foreign Missions with a yard or so of statistics, insisted on Edwy's +return. An open outbreak was the result. The Church fell upon the King +with a loud, annual report, and when the debris was cleared away, a +little round-shouldered grave in the churchyard held all that was +mortal of the king. His wife was cruelly and fatally assassinated, and +Edgar, his brother, began to reign. This was in the year 959, and in +what is now called the Middle Ages. + +Edgar was called the Pacific. He paid off the church debt, made Dunstan +Archbishop of Canterbury, helped reform the church, and, though but +sixteen years of age when he removed all explosives from the throne and +seated himself there, he showed that he had a massive scope, and his +subjects looked forward to much anticipation. + +He sailed around the island every year to show the Danes how prosperous +he was, and made speeches which displayed his education. + +His coronation took place thirteen years after his accession to the +throne, owing to the fact, as given out by some of the more modern +historians, that the crown was at Mr. Isaac Inestein's all this time, +whereas the throne, which was bought on the instalment plan, had been +redeemed. + +Pictures of the crown worn by Edgar will convince the reader that its +redemption was no slight task, while the mortgage on the throne was a +mere bagatelle. + +[Illustration: EDGAR SURMOUNTED BY HIS CROWN.] + +[Illustration: EDGAR CAUSES HIS BARGE TO BE ROWED BY EIGHT KINGS.] + +A bright idea of Edgar's was to ride in a row-boat pulled by eight kings +under the old _regime_. + +Personally, Edgar was reputed to be exceedingly licentious; but the +historian wisely says these stories may have been the invention of his +enemies. Greatness is certain to make of itself a target for the mud of +its own generation, and no one who rose above the level of his +surroundings ever failed to receive the fragrant attentions of those who +had not succeeded in rising. All history is fraught also with the +bitterness and jealousy of the historian except this one. No bitterness +can creep into this history. + +Edgar, it is said, assassinated the husband of Elfrida in order that he +might marry her. It is also said that he broke into a convent and +carried off a nun; but doubtless if these stories were traced to their +very foundations, politics would account for them both. + +He did not favor the secular clergy, and they, of course, disliked him +accordingly. He suffered also at the hands of those who sought to +operate the reigning apparatus whilst his attention was turned towards +other matters. + +He was the author of the scheme whereby he utilized his enemies, the +Welsh princes, by demanding three hundred wolf heads per annum as +tribute instead of money. This wiped out the wolves and used up the +surplus animosity of the Welsh. + +As the Welsh princes had no money, the scheme was a good one. Edgar died +at the age of thirty-two, and was succeeded by Edward, his son, in 975. + +The death of the king at this early age has given to many historians the +idea that he was a sad dog, and that he sat up late of nights and cut up +like everything, but this may not be true. Death often takes the good, +the true, and the beautiful whilst young. + +However, Edgar's reign was a brilliant one for an Anglo-Saxon, and his +coon-skin cap is said to have cost over a pound sterling. + +[Illustration: EDGAR THE PACIFIC.] + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING CHRONIC USURPATION +PROCLIVITIES. + + +Edgar was succeeded by his son Edward, called "the Martyr," who ascended +the throne at the age of fifteen years. His step-mother, Elfrida, +opposed him, and favored her own son, Ethelred. Edward was assassinated +in 978, at the instigation of his step-mother, and that's what's the +martyr with him. + +During his reign there was a good deal of ill feeling, and Edward would +no doubt have been deposed but for the influence of the church under +Dunstan. + +Ethelred was but ten years old when he began reigning. Sadly poor +Dunstan crowned him, his own eyes still wet with sorrow over the cruel +death of Edward. He foretold that Ethelred would have a stormy reign, +with sleet and variable winds, changing to snow. + +During the remainder of the great prelate's life he, as it were, stood +between the usurper and the people, and protected them from the +threatening storm. + +But in 991, shortly after the death of Dunstan, a great army of +Norwegians came over to England for purposes of pillage. To say that it +was an allopathic pillage would not be an extravagant statement. They +were extremely rude people, like all the nations of northern Europe at +that time,--Rome being the Boston of the Old World, and Copenhagen the +Fort Dodge of that period. + +The Norwegians ate everything that did not belong to the mineral +kingdom, and left the green fields of merry England looking like a +base-ball ground. So wicked and warlike were they that the sad and +defeated country was obliged to give the conquering Norske ten thousand +pounds of silver. + +Dunstan died at the age of sixty-three, and years afterwards was +canonized; but firearms had not been invented at the time of his death. +He led the civilization and progress of England, and was a pioneer in +cherishing the fine arts. + +Olaf, who led the Norwegians against England, afterwards became king of +Norway, and with the Danes used to ever and anon sack Great +Britain,--_i.e._, eat everybody out of house and home, and then ask for +a sack of silver as the price of peace. + +Ethelred was a cowardly king, who liked to wear the implements of war on +holidays, and learn to crochet and tat in time of war. He gave these +invaders ten thousand pounds of silver at the first, sixteen thousand +at the second, and twenty-four thousand on the third trip, in order to +buy peace. + +Olaf afterwards, however, embraced Christianity and gave up fighting as +a business, leaving the ring entirely to Sweyn, his former partner from +Denmark, who continued to do business as before. + +The historian says that the invasion of England by the Norwegians and +Danes was fully equal to the assassination, arson, and rapine of the +Indians of North America. A king who would permit such cruel cuttings-up +as these wicked animals were guilty of on the fair face of old England, +should live in history only as an invertebrate, a royal failure, a +decayed mollusk, and the dropsical head of a tottering dynasty. + +In order to strengthen his feeble forces, Ethelred allied himself, in +1001, to Richard II., Duke of Normandy, and married his daughter Emma, +but the Danes continued to make night hideous and elope with ladies whom +they had never met before. It was a sad time in the history of England, +and poor Emma wept many a hot and bitter tear as she yielded one jewel +after another to the pawnbroker in order to buy off the coarse and +hateful Danes. + +If Ethelred were to know how he is regarded by the historian who pens +these lines, he would kick the foot-board out of his casket, and bite +himself severely in four places. + +To add to his foul history, happening to have a few inoffensive Danes on +hand, on the 13th of November, the festival of St. Brice, 1002, he gave +it out that he would massacre these people, among them the sister of the +Danish king, a noble woman who had become a Christian (only it is to be +hoped a better one), and married an English earl. He had them all +butchered. + +[Illustration: ETHELRED WEDS EMMA.] + +In 1003, Sweyn, with revenge in his heart, began a war of extermination +or subjugation, and never yielded till he was, in fact, king of England, +while the royal intellectual polyp, known as Ethelred the Unwholesome, +fled to Normandy, in the 1013th year Anno Domini. + +But in less than six weeks the Danish king died, leaving the sceptre, +with the price-mark still upon it, to Canute, his son, and Ethelred was +invited back, with an understanding that he should not abuse his +privileges as king, and that, although it was a life job during good +behavior, the privilege of beheading him from time to time was and is +vested in the people; and even to-day there is not a crowned head on the +continent of Europe that does not recognize this great truth,--viz., +that God alone, speaking through the united voices of the common people, +declares the rulings of the Supreme Court of the Universe. + +On the old autograph albums of the world is still written in the dark +corners of empires, "_the king can do no wrong_." But where education is +not repressed, and where that Christianity which is built on love and +charity is taught, there can be but one King who does no wrong. + +Ethelred was succeeded by Edmund, called "the Ironside." He fought +bravely, and drove the Danes, under Canute, back to their own shores. +But they got restless in Denmark, where there was very little going on, +and returned to England in large numbers. + +Ethelred died in London, 1016 A.D., before Canute reached him. He was +called by Dunstan "Ethelred the Unready," and had a faculty for erring +more promptly than any previous king. + +Having returned cheerily from Ethelred's rather tardy funeral, the +people took oath, some of them under Edmund and some under Canute. + +Edmund, after five pitched battles, offered to stay bloodshed by +personally fighting Canute at any place where they could avoid police +interference, but Canute declined, on what grounds it is not stated, +though possibly on the Polo grounds. + +[Illustration: SONS OF EDMUND SENT TO OLAF.] + +A compromise was agreed to in 1016, by which Edmund reigned over the +region south of the Thames; but very shortly afterwards he was murdered +at the instigation of Edric, a traitor, who was the Judas Iscariot of +his time. + +Canute, or "Knut," now became the first Danish king of England. Having +appointed three sub-kings, and taken charge himself of Wessex, Canute +sent the two sons of Edmund to Olaf, requesting him to put them to +death; but Olaf, the king of Sweden, had scruples, and instead of doing +so sent the boys to Hungary, where they were educated. Edward afterwards +married a daughter of the Emperor Henry II. + +Canute as king was, after he got the hang of it, a great success, giving +to the harassed people more comfort than they had experienced since the +death of Alfred, who was thoroughly gifted as a sovereign. + +He had to raise heavy taxes in order to 'squire himself with the Danish +leaders at first, but finally began to harmonize the warring elements, +and prosperity followed. He was fond of old ballads, and encouraged the +wandering minstrels, who entertained the king with topical songs till a +late hour. Symposiums and after-dinner speaking were thus inaugurated, +and another era of good feeling began about half-past eleven o'clock +each evening. + +[Illustration: THE SEA "GOES BACK" ON CANUTE.] + +Queen Emma, the widow of Ethelred, now began to set her cap for Canute, +and thus it happened that her sons again became the heirs to the throne +at her marriage, A.D. 1017. + +Canute now became a good king. He built churches and monasteries, and +even went on a pilgrimage to Rome, which in those days was almost +certain to win public endorsement. + +Disgusted with the flattering of his courtiers, one day as he strolled +along the shore he caused his chair to be placed at the margin of the +approaching tide, and as the water crept up into his lap, he showed them +how weak must be a mortal king in the presence of Omnipotence. He was a +humble and righteous king, and proved by his example that after all the +greatest of earthly rulers is only the most obedient servant. + +He was even then the sovereign of England, Norway, and Denmark. In 1031 +he had some trouble with Malcolm, King of Scotland, but subdued him +promptly, and died in 1035, leaving Hardicanute, the son of Emma, and +Sweyn and Harold, his sons by a former wife. + +Harold succeeded to the English throne, Sweyn to that of Norway, and +Hardicanute to the throne of Denmark. + +In the following chapter a few well-chosen remarks will be made +regarding Harold and other kings. + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS: FOREIGN FOIBLES INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE +EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY. + + +Let us now look for a moment into the reigns of Harold I. and +Hardicanute, a pair of unpopular reigns, which, although brief, were yet +long enough. + +Queen Emma, of course, desired the coronation of Hardicanute, but, +though supported by Earl Godwin, a man of great influence and educated +to a high degree for his time, able indeed, it is said, at a moment's +notice, to add up things and reduce things to a common denominator, it +could not be. + +Harold, the compromise candidate, reigned from 1037 to 1040. He gained +Godwin to his side, and together they lured the sons of Emma by +Ethelred--viz., Alfred and Edward--to town, and, as a sort of royal +practical joke, put out Alfred's eyes, causing his death. + +Harold was a swift sprinter, and was called "Harefoot" by those who were +intimate enough to exchange calls and coarse anecdotes with him. + +He died in 1040 A.D., and nobody ever had a more general approval for +doing so than Harold. + +Hardicanute now came forth from his apartments, and was received as king +with every demonstration of joy, and for some weeks he and dyspepsia had +it all their own way on Piccadilly. (Report says that he drank! Several +times while under the influence of liquor he abdicated the throne with a +dull thud, but was reinstated by the Police.) + +[Illustration: "KING HAROLD IS DEAD, SIRE."] + +Enraged by the death of Alfred, the king had the remains of Harold +exhumed and thrown into a fen. This a-fensive act showed what a great +big broad nature Hardicanute had,--also the kind of timber used in +making a king in those days. + +Godwin, however, seems to have been a good political acrobat, and was on +more sides of more questions than anybody else of those times. Though +connected with the White-Cap affair by which Alfred lost his eyesight +and his life, he proved an alibi, or spasmodic paresis, or something, +and, having stood a compurgation and "ordeal" trial, was released. The +historian very truly but inelegantly says, if memory serves the writer +accurately, that Godwin was such a political straddle-bug that he early +abandoned the use of pantaloons and returned to the toga, which was the +only garment able to stand the strain of his political cuttings-up. + +The _Shire Mote_, or county court of those days, was composed of a dozen +thanes, or cheap nobles, who had to swear that they had not read the +papers, and had not formed or expressed an opinion, and that their minds +were in a state of complete vacancy. It was a sort of primary jury, and +each could point with pride to the vast collection he had made of things +he did not know, and had not formed or expressed an opinion about. + +[Illustration: "ORDEAL" OF JUSTICE.] + +If one did not like the verdict of this court, he could appeal to the +king on a _certiorari_ or some such thing as that. The accused could +clear himself by his own oath and that of others, but without these he +had to stand what was called the "ordeal," which consisted in walking on +hot ploughshares without expressing a derogatory opinion regarding the +ploughshares or showing contempt of court. Sometimes the accused had to +run his arm into boiling water. If after three days the injury had +disappeared, the defendant was discharged and costs taxed against the +king. + +[Illustration: DYING BETWEEN COURSES.] + +Hardicanute only reigned two years, and in 1042 A.D. died at a nuptial +banquet, and cast a gloom over the whole thing. In those times it was a +common thing for the king or some of the nobility to die between the +roast pig and the pork pie. It was not unusual to see each noble with a +roast pig _tete-a-tete_,--each confronting the other, the living and the +dead. + +At this time, it is said by the old settlers that hog cholera thinned +out the nobility a good deal, whether directly or indirectly they do not +say. + +The English had now wearied of the Danish yoke. "Why wear the Danish +yoke," they asked, "and be ruled with a rod of iron?" + +Edward, half brother of Edmund Ironside, was therefore nominated and +chosen king. Godwin, who seemed to be specially gifted as a versatile +connoisseur of "crow,"[A] turned up as his political adviser. + +[Footnote A: "Eating crow" is an expression common in modern American +politics to signify a reluctant acknowledgement of humiliating +defeat--HISTORIAN.] + +Edward, afterwards called "the Confessor," at once stripped Queen Emma +of all her means, for he had no love left for her, as she had failed +repeatedly to assist him when he was an outcast, and afterwards the new +king placed her in jail (or gaol, rather) at Winchester. This should +teach mothers to be more obedient, or they will surely come to some bad +end. + +Edward was educated in Normandy, and so was quite partial to the +Normans. He appointed many of them to important positions in both church +and state. Even the See of Canterbury was given to a Norman. The See +saw how it was going, no doubt, and accepted the position. But let us +pass on rapidly to something else, for thereby variety may be given to +these pages, and as one fact seems to call for another, truth, which for +the time being may be apparently crushed to earth, may rise again. + +[Illustration: EDWARD STRIPS EMMA OF HER MEANS.] + +Godwin disliked the introduction of the Norman tongue and Norman customs +in England, and when Eustace, Count of Boulogne and author of the +sausage which bears his name, committed an act of violence against the +people of Dover, they arose as one man, drove out the foreigners, and +fumigated the town as well as the ferry running to Calais. + +This caused trouble between Edward and Godwin, which led to the +deposition of the latter, who, with his sons, was compelled to flee. But +later he returned, and his popularity in England among the home people +compelled the king to reestablish him. + +[Illustration: GODWIN AND HIS SONS FLYING FROM ENGLAND.] + +Soon afterwards Godwin died, and Harold, his son, succeeded him +successfully. Godwin was an able man, and got several earldoms for his +wife and relatives at a time when that was just what they needed. An +earldom then was not a mere empty title with nothing in it but a blue +sash and a scorbutic temperament, but it gave almost absolute authority +over one or more shires, and was also a good piece of property. These +historical facts took place in or about the year 1054 A.D. + +Edward having no children, together with a sort of misgiving about ever +having any to speak of, called home Edward "the Outlaw," son of Edmund +Ironside, to succeed to the throne; but scarcely had he reached the +shores of England when he died, leaving a son, Edgar. + +William of Normandy, a cousin of the king, now appears on the scene. He +claimed to be entitled to the first crack at the throne, and that the +king had promised to bequeath it to him. He even lured Harold, the heir +apparently, to Normandy, and while under the influence of stimulants +compelled Harold to swear that he would sustain William's claim to the +throne. The wily William also inserted some holy relics of great potency +under the altar used for swearing purposes, but Harold recovered when he +got out again into the fresh air, and snapped his fingers at William and +his relics. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM COMPELLING HAROLD TO SWEAR.] + +January 5, 1066, Edward died, and was buried in Westminster Abbey, +which had just been enclosed and the roof put on. + +Harold, who had practised a little while as earl, and so felt that he +could reign easily by beginning moderately and only reigning forenoons, +ascended the throne. + +Edward the Confessor was a good, durable monarch, but not brilliant. He +was the first to let people touch him on Tuesdays and Fridays for +scrofula, or "king's evil." He also made a set of laws that were an +improvement on some of the old ones. He was canonized about a century +after his death by the Pope, but as to whether it "took" or not the +historian seems strangely dumb. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM OF NORMANDY LEARNS THAT HAROLD IS ELECTED KING.] + +He was the last of the royal Saxon line; but other self-made Saxons +reigned after him in torrents. + +Edgar Atheling, son of Edward the Outlaw, was the only surviving male of +the royal line, but he was not old enough to succeed to the throne, and +Harold II. accepted the portfolio. He was crowned at Westminster on the +day of King Edward's burial. This infuriated William of Normandy, who +reminded Harold of his first-degree oath, and his pledge that he would +keep it "or have his salary cut from year to year." + +Oh, how irritated William was! He got down his gun, and bade the other +Normans who desired an outing to do the same. + +Trouble also arose with Tostig, the king's brother, and his Norwegian +ally, Hardrada, but the king defeated the allied forces at Stamford +Bridge, near York, where both of these misguided leaders bit the dust. +Previous to the battle there was a brief parley, and the king told +Tostig the best he could do with him. "And what can you give my ally, +Hardrada?" queried the astute Tostig. "Seven feet of English ground," +answered the king, roguishly, "or possibly more, as Hardrada is rather +taller than the average," or words to that effect. "Then let the fight +go on," answered Tostig, taking a couple of hard-boiled eggs from his +pocket and cracking them on the pommel of his saddle, for he had not +eaten anything but a broiled shote since breakfast. + +That night both he and Hardrada occupied a double grave on the +right-hand side of the road leading to York. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND +IMPLACABLE DISCORD. + + +[Illustration: WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +The Norman invasion was one of the most unpleasant features of this +period. Harold had violated his oath to William, and many of his +superstitious followers feared to assist him on that account. His +brother advised him to wait a few years and permit the invader to die of +exposure. Thus, excommunicated by the Pope and not feeling very well +anyway, Harold went into the battle of Hastings, October 14, 1066. For +nine hours they fought, the English using their celebrated squirt-guns +filled with hot water and other fixed ammunition. Finally Harold, while +straightening his sword across his knee, got an arrow in the eye, and +abandoned the fight in order to investigate the surprises of a future +state. + +In this battle the contusions alone amounted to over ninety-seven, to +say nothing of fractures, concussions, and abrasions. + +Among other casualties, the nobility of the South of England was killed. + +Harold's body was buried by the sea-shore, but many years afterwards +disinterred, and, all signs of vitality having disappeared, he was +buried again in the church he had founded at Waltham. + +The Anglo-Saxons thus yielded to the Normans the government of England. + +In these days the common people were called churls, or anything else +that happened to occur to the irritable and quick-witted nobility. The +rich lived in great magnificence, with rushes on the floor, which were +changed every few weeks. Beautiful tapestry--similar to the rag-carpet +of America--adorned the walls and prevented ventilation. + +Glass had been successfully made in France and introduced into England. +A pane of glass indicated the abode of wealth, and a churl cleaning the +window with alcohol by breathing heavily upon it, was a sign that Sir +Reginald de Pamp, the pampered child of fortune, dwelt there. + +To twang the lyre from time to time, or knock a few mellow plunks out of +the harp, was regarded with much favor by the Anglo-Saxons, who were +much given to feasting and merriment. In those pioneer times the "small +and early" had not yet been introduced, but "the drunk and disorderly" +was regarded with much favor. + +Free coinage was now discussed, and mints established. Wool was the +principal export, and fine cloths were taken in exchange from the +Continent. Women spun for their own households, and the term spinster +was introduced. + +The monasteries carefully concealed everything in the way of education, +and even the nobility could not have stood a civil service examination. + +The clergy were skilled in music, painting, and sculpture, and loved to +paint on china, or do sign-work and carriage painting for the nobility. +St. Dunstan was quite an artist, and painted portraits which even now +remind one strangely of human beings. + +[Illustration: ST. DUNSTAN WAS NOTED FOR THIS KIND OF THING.] + +Edgar Atheling, the legal successor of Harold, saw at a glance that +William the Conqueror had come to stay, and so he yielded to the +Norman, as shown in the accompanying steel engraving copied from a piece +of tapestry now in possession of the author, and which descended to him, +through no fault of his own, from the Normans, who for years ruled +England with great skill, and from whose loins he sprang. + +[Illustration: EDGAR ATHELING AND THE NOBILITY OFFER SUBMISSION TO +WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +William was crowned on Christmas Day at Westminster Abbey as the new +sovereign. It was more difficult to change a sovereign in those days +than at present, but that is neither here nor there. + +The people were so glad over the coronation that they overdid it, and +their ghoulish glee alarmed the regular Norman army, the impression +getting out that the Anglo-Saxons were rebellious, when as a matter of +fact they were merely exhilarated, having tanked too often with the +tankard. + +William the Conqueror now disarmed the city of London, and tipping a +number of the nobles, got them to wait on him. He rewarded his Norman +followers, however, with the contraband estates of the conquered, and +thus kept up his conking for years after peace had been declared. + +But the people did not forget that they were there first, and so, while +William was in Normandy, in the year 1067 A.D., hostilities broke out. +People who had been foreclosed and ejected from their lands united to +shoot the Norman usurper, and it was not uncommon for a Norman, while +busy usurping, to receive an arrow in some vital place, and have to give +up sedentary pursuits, perhaps, for weeks afterwards. + +[Illustration: SAXONS INTRODUCING THE YOKE IN SCOTLAND.] + +In 1068 A.D., Edgar Atheling, Sweyn of Denmark, Malcolm of Scotland, and +the sons of Harold banded together to drive out the Norman. Malcolm was +a brave man, and had, it is said, captured so many Anglo-Saxons and +brought them back to Scotland, that they had a very refining influence +on that country, introducing the study of the yoke among other things +with moderate success. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM WAS FOND OF HUNTING.] + +William hastily returned from Normandy, and made short work of the +rebellion. The following year another outbreak occurring in +Northumberland, William mischievously laid waste sixty miles of fertile +country, and wilfully slaughtered one hundred thousand people,--men, +women, and children. And yet we have among us those who point with pride +to their Norman lineage when they ought to be at work supporting their +families. + +In 1070 the Archbishop of Canterbury was degraded from his position, and +a Milanese monk on his Milan knees succeeded him. The Saxons became +serfs, and the Normans used the school tax to build large, repulsive +castles in which to woo the handcuffed Anglo-Saxon maiden at their +leisure. An Anglo-Saxon maiden without a rope ladder in the pocket of +her basque was a rare sight. Many very thrilling stories are written of +those days, and bring a good price. + +William was passionately fond of hunting, and the penalty for killing a +deer or boar without authority was greater than for killing a human +being out of season. + +In order to erect a new forest, he devastated thirty miles of farming +country, and drove the people, homeless and foodless, to the swamps. He +also introduced the curfew, which he had rung in the evening for his +subjects in order to remind them that it was time to put out the lights, +as well as the cat, and retire. This badge of servitude caused great +annoyance among the people, who often wished to sit up and visit, or +pass the tankard about and bid dull care begone. + +William, however, was not entirely happy. While reigning, his children +grew up without proper training. Robert, his son, unhorsed the old +gentleman at one time, and would have killed him anonymously, each +wearing at the time a galvanized iron dinner-pail over his features, but +just at the fatal moment Robert heard his father's well-known breath +asserting itself, and withheld his hand. + +William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign. It +resulted from an injury received during an invasion of France. + +Philip, the king of that country, had said something derogatory +regarding William, so the latter, having business in France, decided to +take his army with him and give his soldiers an outing. William captured +the city of Mantes, and laid it in ashes at his feet. These ashes were +still hot in places when the great conqueror rode through them, and his +horse becoming restive, threw His Royal Altitoodleum on the pommel of +his saddle, by reason of which he received a mortal hurt, and a few +weeks later he died, filled with remorse and other stimulants, +regretting his past life in such unmeasured terms that he could be heard +all over the place. + +[Illustration: DEMISE OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.] + +The "feudal system" was now fully established in England, and lands +descended from father to son, and were divided up among the dependants +on condition of the performance of vassalage. In this way the common +people were cheerily permitted the use of what atmosphere they needed +for breathing purposes, on their solemn promise to return it, and at the +close of life, if they had succeeded in winning the royal favor, they +might contribute with their humble remains to the fertility of the royal +vegetable garden. + +[Illustration: THE FEUDAL SYSTEM WAS NOW FULLY ESTABLISHED.] + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR +RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES. + + +At this time, under the reign of William, a year previous to his death, +an inventory was taken of the real estate and personal property +contained in the several counties of England; and this "Domesday-book," +as it was called, formed the basis for subsequent taxation, etc. There +were then three hundred thousand families in England. The book had a +limited circulation, owing to the fact that it was made by hand; but in +1783 it was printed. + +William II., surnamed "Rufus the Red," the auburn-haired son of the +king, took possession of everything--especially the treasure--before his +father was fully deceased, and by fair promises solidified the left wing +of the royal party, compelling the disaffected Norman barons to fly to +France. + +William II. and Robert his brother came to blows over a small rebellion +organized by the latter, but Robert yielded at last, and joined William +with a view to making it hot for Henry, who, being a younger brother, +objected to wearing the king's cast-off reigning clothes. He was at last +forced to submit, however, and the three brothers gayly attacked +Malcolm, the Scotch malecontent, who was compelled to yield, and thus +Cumberland became English ground. This was in 1091. + +[Illustration: WILLIAM II. TAKES POSSESSION OF THE ROYAL TRUNK AND +SECURES THE CROWN.] + +In 1096 the Crusade was creating much talk, and Robert, who had +expressed a desire to lead a totally different life, determined to go if +money could be raised. Therefore William proceeded to levy on everything +that could be realized upon, such as gold and silver communion services +and other bric-a-brac, and free coinage was then first inaugurated. The +king became so greedy that on the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury +he made himself _ex-officio_ archbishop, so that he might handle the +offerings and coin the plate. When William was ill he sent for Father +Anselm, but when he got well he took back all his sweet promises, in +every way reminding one of the justly celebrated policy pursued by His +Sulphureous Highness the Devil. + +The capture of Jerusalem by the Crusaders very naturally attracted the +attention of other ambitious princes who wished also to capture it, and +William, Prince of Guienne, mortgaged his principality to England that +he might raise money to do this; but when about to embark for the +purpose of taking possession of this property, William II., the royal +note-shaver, while hunting, was shot accidentally by a companion, or +assassinated, it is not yet known which, and when found by a passing +charcoal-burner was in a dead state. He was buried in 1100, at +Winchester. + +[Illustration: RUFUS FOUND DEAD IN THE FOREST BY A POOR +CHARCOAL-BURNER.] + +Rufus had no trouble in securing the public approval of his death. He +was the third of his race to perish in the New Forest, the scene of the +Conqueror's cruelty to his people. He was a thick-set man with a red +face, a debauchee of the deepest dye, mean in money matters, and as full +of rum and mendacity as Sitting Bull, the former Regent of the Sioux +Nation. He died at the age of forty-three years, having reigned and cut +up in a shameful manner for thirteen years. + +Robert having gone to the Holy Land, Henry I. was crowned at +Westminster. He was educated to a higher degree than William, and knew +the multiplication table up to seven times seven, but he was highly +immoral, and an armed chaperon stood between him and common decency. + +He also made rapid strides as a liar, and even his own grocer would not +trust him. He successfully fainted when he heard of his son's death, +1120 A.D. + +His reign closed in 1135, when Stephen, a grandson of the Conqueror, +with the aid of a shoe-horn assumed the crown of England, and, placing a +large damp towel in it, proceeded to reign. He began at once to swap +patronage for kind words, and every noble was as ignoble as a +phenomenal thirst and unbridled lust could make him. Every farm had a +stone jail on it, in charge of a noble jailer. Feudal castles, full of +malaria and surrounded by insanitary moats and poor plumbing, echoed the +cry of the captive and the bacchanalian song of the noble. The country +was made desolate by duly authorized robbers, who, under the Crusaders' +standard, prevented the maturity of the spring chicken and hushed the +still, small voice of the roast pig in death. + +[Illustration: HENRY FAINTED WHEN HE HEARD THE SAD NEWS.] + +William the Conqueror was not only remembered bitterly in the broken +hearts of his people, but in history his name will stand out forever +because of his strange and grotesque designs on posterity. + +In 1141 Stephen was made prisoner, and for five years he was not +restored to his kingdom. In the mean time, Matilda, the widow of Henry +I., encouraged by the prelates, landed in England to lay claim to the +throne, and after a great deal of ill feeling and much needed +assassination, her son Henry, who had become quite a large +property-owner in France, invaded England, and finally succeeded in +obtaining recognition as the rightful successor of Stephen. Stephen died +in 1153, and Henry became king. + +[Illustration: MATILDA LANDING IN ENGLAND.] + +The Feudal System, which obtained in England for four hundred years, was +a good one for military purposes, for the king on short notice might +raise an army by calling on the barons, who levied on their vassals, and +they in turn levied on their dependants. + +A feudal castle was generally built in the Norman style of architecture. +It had a "donjon," or keep, which was generally occupied by the baron as +a bar-room, feed-trough, and cooler between fights. It was built of +stone, and was lighted by means of crevices through the wall by day, and +by means of a saucer of tallow and a string or rush which burned during +the night and served mainly to show how dark it was. There was a front +yard or fighting-place around this, surrounded by a high wall, and this +again by a moat. There was an inner court back of the castle, into which +the baron could go for thinking. A chapel was connected with the +institution, and this was the place to which he retired for the purpose +of putting arnica on his conscience. + +Underneath the castle was a large dungeon, where people who differed +with the baron had a studio. Sometimes they did not get out at all, but +died there in their sins, while the baron had all the light of gospel +and chapel privileges up-stairs. + +The historian says that at that time the most numerous class in England +were the "villains." This need not surprise us, when we remember that it +was as much as a man's life was worth to be anything else. + +There were also twenty-five thousand serfs. A serf was required to be at +hand night or day when the baron needed some one to kick. He was +generally attached to the realty, like a hornet's nest, but not +necessary to it. + +In the following chapter knighthood and the early hardware trade will be +touched upon. + +[Illustration: "IN HOC SIGNO VINCES."] + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS, +FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD. + + +The age of chivalry, which yielded such good material to the poet and +romancer, was no doubt essential to the growth of civilization, but it +must have been an unhappy period for legitimate business. How could +trade, commerce, or even the professions, arts, or sciences, flourish +while the entire population spread itself over the bleaching-boards, day +after day, to watch the process of "jousting," while the corn was "in +the grass," and everybody's notes went to protest? + +Then came the days of knight-errantry, when parties in malleable-iron +clothing and shirts of mail--which were worn without change--rode up and +down the country seeking for maids in distress. A pretty maid in those +days who lived on the main road could put on her riding-habit, go to the +window up-stairs, shed a tear, wave her kerchief in the air, and in half +an hour have the front lawn full of knights-errant tramping over the +peony beds and castor-oil plants. + +[Illustration: A PRETTY MAID IN THOSE DAYS.] + +In this way a new rescuer from day to day during the "errant" season +might be expected. Scarcely would the fair maid reach her destination +and get her wraps hung up, when a rattle of gravel on the window would +attract her attention, and outside she would see, with swelling heart, +another knight-errant, who crooked his Russia-iron elbow and murmured, +"Miss, may I have the pleasure of this escape with you?" + +"But I do not recognize you, sir," she would straightway make reply; and +well she might, for, with his steel-shod countenance and corrugated-iron +clothes, he was generally so thoroughly _incog._ that his crest, on a +new shield freshly painted and grained and bearing a motto, was his only +introduction. Imagine a sweet girl, who for years had been under the +eagle eye of a middle-weight chaperon, suddenly espying in the moonlight +a disguised man under the window on horseback, in the act of asking her +to join him for a few weeks at his shooting-box in the swamp. Then, if +you please, imagine her asking for his card, whereupon he exposes the +side of his new tin shield, on which is painted in large Old English +letters a Latin motto meaning, "It is the early bird that catches the +worm," with bird rampant, worm couchant on a field uncultivated. + +Then, seating herself behind the knight, she must escape for days, and +even weeks,--one escape seeming to call for another, as it were. Thus, +however, the expense of a wedding was saved, and the knight with the +biggest chest measurement generally got the heiress with the +copper-colored hair. + +[Illustration: CREST OF A POPULAR KNIGHT.] + +He wore a crest on his helmet adorned with German favors given him by +lady admirers, so that the crest of a popular young knight often looked +like a slump at the _Bon Marche_. + +[Illustration: THE "VIGIL OF ARMS."] + +The most peculiar condition required for entry into knighthood was the +"vigil of arms," which consisted in keeping a long silent watch in some +gloomy spot--a haunted one preferred--over the arms he was about to +assume. The illustration representing this subject is without doubt one +of the best of the kind extant, and even in the present age of the +gold-cure is suggestive of a night-errant of to-day. + +A tournament was a sort of refined equestrian prize-fight with +one-hundred-ounce jabbers. Each knight, clad in tin-foil and armed +cap-a-pie, riding in each other's direction just as fast as possible +with an uncontrollable desire to push one's adversary off his horse, +which meant defeat, because no man could ever climb a horse in full +armor without a feudal derrick to assist him. + +[Illustration: A JUDICIAL COMBAT.] + +The victor was entitled to the horse and armor of the vanquished, which +made the castle paddock of a successful knight resemble the convalescent +ward of the Old Horses' Home. + +This tourney also constituted the prevailing court of those times, and +the plaintiff, calling upon God to defend the right, charged upon the +defendant with a charge which took away the breath of his adversary. +This, of course, was only applicable to certain cases, and could not be +used in trials for divorce, breach of promise, etc. + +The tournament was practically the forerunner of the duel. In each case +the parties in effect turned the matter over to Omnipotence; but still +the man who had his back to the sun, and knew how to handle firearms and +cutlery, generally felt most comfortable. + +Gentlemen who were not engaged in combat, but who attended to the +grocery business during the Norman period, wore a short velvet cloak +trimmed with fur over a doublet and hose. The shoes were pointed,--as +were the remarks made by the irate parent,--and generally the shoes and +remarks accompanied each other when a young tradesman sought the hand of +the daughter, whilst she had looked forward to a two-hundred-mile ride +on the crupper of a knight-errant without stopping for feed or water. + +In those days also, the fool made no effort to disguise his folly by +going to Congress or fussing with the currency, but wore a uniform which +designated his calling and saved time in estimating his value. + +The clergy in those days possessed the bulk of knowledge, and had +matters so continued the vacant pew would have less of a hold on people +than it has to-day; but in some way knowledge escaped from the cloister +and percolated through the other professions, so that to-day in England, +out of a good-sized family, the pulpit generally has to take what is +left after the army, navy, politics, law, and golf have had the pick. It +was a fatal error to permit the escape of knowledge in that way; and +when southern Europe, now priest-ridden and pauperized, learns to read +and write, the sleek blood-suckers will eat plainer food and the poor +will not go entirely destitute. + +The Normans ate two meals a day, and introduced better cooking among the +Saxons, who had been accustomed to eat very little except while under +the influence of stimulants, and who therefore did not realize what they +ate. The Normans went in more for meat victuals, and thus the names of +meat, such as veal, beef, pork, and mutton, are of Norman origin, while +the names of the animals in a live state are calf, ox, pig, and sheep, +all Saxon names. + +The Authors' Club of England at this time consisted of Geoffrey of +Monmouth and another man. They wrote their books with quill pens, and if +the authorities did not like what was said, the author could be made to +suppress the entire edition for a week's board, or for a bumper of +Rhenish wine with a touch of pepper-sauce in it he would change the +objectionable part by means of an eraser. + +[Illustration: THE AUTHORS' CLUB AT THIS TIME.] + +It was under these circumstances that the Plantagenets became leaders in +society, and added their valuable real estate in France to the English +dominions. In 1154, Henry Plantagenet was thus the most powerful monarch +in Europe, and by wedding his son Geoffrey to the daughter of the Duke +of Brittany, soon scooped in that valuable property also. + +He broke up the custom of issuing pickpocket and felony licenses to his +nobles, seized the royal stone-piles and other nests for common sneak +thieves, and resolved to give the people a chance to pay taxes and die +natural deaths. The disorderly nobles were reduced to the ranks or sent +away to institutions for inebriates, and people began to permit their +daughters to go about the place unarmed. + +Foreign mercenaries who had so long infested the country were ordered to +leave it under penalty of having their personal possessions confiscated, +and their own carcasses dissected and fed to the wild boars. + +[Illustration: FOREIGN MERCENARIES LEAVE ENGLAND.] + +Henry next gave his attention to the ecclesiastic power. He chose Thomas +a Becket to the vacant portfolio as Archbishop of Canterbury, hoping +thus to secure him as an ally; but a Becket, though accustomed to ride +after a four-in-hand and assume a style equal to the king himself, +suddenly became extremely devout, and austerity characterized this child +of fortune, insomuch that each day on bended knees he bathed the chapped +and soiled feet of thirteen beggars. Why thirteen beggars should come +around every morning to the archbishop's study to have their feet +manicured, or how that could possibly mollify an outraged God, the +historian does not claim to state, and, in fact, is not able to throw +any light upon it at the price agreed upon for this book. + +[Illustration: A COOLNESS BETWEEN THE KING AND THE ARCHBISHOP.] + +Trouble now arose between the king and the archbishop; a protracted +coolness, during which the king's pew grew gray with dust, and he had to +baptize and confirm his own children in addition to his other work. + +The king now summoned the prelates; but they excused themselves from +coming on the grounds of previous engagements. Then he summoned the +nobles also, and gave the prelates one more chance, which they decided +to avail themselves of. Thus the "Constitutions of Clarendon" were +adopted in 1164, and Becket, though he at first bolted the action of the +convention, soon became reconciled and promised to fall into line, +though he hated it like sin. + +Then the Roman pontiff annulled the constitutions, and scared Becket +back again into his original position. This angered the king, who +condemned his old archbishop, and he fled to France, where he had a tall +time. The Pope threatened to excommunicate Henry; but the latter told +him to go ahead, as he did not fear excommunication, having been already +twice exposed to it while young. + +Finally a Becket was banished; but after six years returned, and all +seemed again smooth and joyous; but Becket kept up the war indirectly +against Henry, till one day he exclaimed in his wrath, "Is there no one +of my subjects who will rid me of this insolent priest?" Whereupon four +loyal knights, who were doubtless of Scotch extraction, and who +therefore could not take a joke, thought the king in dead earnest, and +actually butchered the misguided archbishop in a sickening manner before +the altar. This was in 1170. + +Henry, who was in France when this occurred, was thoroughly horrified +and frightened, no doubt. So much so, in fact, that he agreed to make a +pilgrimage barefoot to the tomb of a Becket; but even this did not place +him upon a firm footing with the clergy, who paraded a Becket's +assassination on all occasions, and thus strengthened this opposition to +the king. + +[Illustration: HENRY WALKING TO THE TOMB OF BECKET.] + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +CONQUEST OF IRELAND: UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF +AN ACQUISITORIAL PROPENSITY. + + +In 1173 occurred the conquest of Ireland, anciently called Hibernia. +These people were similar to the Britons, but of their history prior to +the year 400 A.D. little is known. Before Christ a race of men inhabited +Ireland, however, who had their own literature, and who were advanced in +the arts. This was before the introduction of the "early mass" whiskers, +and prior to the days when the Orangemen had sent forth their defiant +peal. + +[Illustration: "EARLY MASS" WHISKERS.] + +In the fifth century Ireland was converted by St. Patrick, and she +became known as the Island of Saints and Scholars. To say that she has +become the island of pugilists and policemen to-day would be unjust, +and to say that she has more influence in America than in Ireland would +be unkind. Surely her modern history is most pathetic. + +For three centuries the island was harassed by the Danes and Northmen; +but when the Marquis of Queensberry rules were adopted, the latter threw +up the sponge. The finish fight occurred at Clontarf, near Dublin. + +Henry had written permission from the Pope to conquer Ireland years and +years before he cared to do it. Sometimes it rained, and at other times +he did not feel like it, so that his permission got almost worn out by +carrying it about with him. + +In 1172, however, an Irish chief, or subordinate king, had trouble with +his kingdom,--doubtless because some rival monarch stepped in it and +tracked it around over the other kingdoms,--and so he called upon the +Anglo-Normans under Strongbow (Richard de Clare), whose deClaration of +Independence was the first thing of the kind known to civilization, for +help. While assisting the Irish chief, Strongbow noticed a royal wink on +the features of Henry, and acting upon it proceeded to gather in the +other precincts of Ireland. Thus, in 1172, the island was placed under +the rule of a viceroy sent there by England. + +Henry now had trouble with three of his sons, Henry, Richard, and +Geoffrey, who threatened that if the old gentleman did not divide up +his kingdom among them they would go to Paris and go into the _roue_ +business. Henry himself was greatly talked about, and his name coupled +with that of fair Rosamond Clifford, a rival of Queen Eleanor. The king +refused to grant the request of his sons, and bade them go ahead with +their _roue_ enterprises so long as they did not enter into competition +with him. + +[Illustration: THE BECKET DIFFICULTY STILL KEPT HENRY AWAKE AT NIGHT.] + +So they went to Paris, where their cuttings-up were not noticed. The +queen took their side, as also did Louis of France and William, King of +Scotland. With the Becket difficulty still keeping him awake of nights +also, the king was in constant hot water, and for a time it seemed that +he would have to seek other employment; but his masterly hit in making a +barefooted pilgrimage to the tomb of Becket, thus securing absolution +from the Archbishop of Canterbury, turned the tide. + +William of Scotland was made a prisoner in 1174, and the confederacy +against the king broken up. Thus, in 1175, the castle at Edinburgh came +into the hands of the English, and roast beef was substituted for oats. +Irish and Scotch whiskey were now introduced into the national policy, +and bits of bright English humor, with foot-notes for the use of the +Scots, were shipped to Edinburgh. + +Henry had more trouble with his sons, however, and they embittered his +life as the sons of a too-frolicsome father are apt to do. Henry Jr. +died repentant; but Geoffrey perished in his sins in a tournament, +although generally the tournament was supposed to be conducive to +longevity. Richard was constitutionally a rebel, and at last compelled +the old gentleman to yield to a humiliating treaty with the French in +1189. Finding in the list of the opposing forces the name of John, his +young favorite son, the poor old battered monarch, in 1189, selected an +unoccupied grave and took possession of same. + +[Illustration: THE UNHAPPY FATHER SANK INTO THE GRAVE.] + +He cursed his sons and died miserably, deserted by his followers, who +took such clothing as fitted them best, and would have pawned the throne +had it not been out of style and unavailable for that purpose, beside +being secured to the castle. His official life was creditable to a high +degree, but his private life seemed to call loudly for a good, competent +disinfectant. + +[Illustration: WHEN RICHARD WAS SICK THE GENEROUS SULTAN SENT HIM FRUITS +AND ICE.] + +Richard _Kyur duh le ong_, as the French have it, or Richard I. of the +lion heart, reigned in his father's stead from 1189 to 1199. His reign +opened with a disagreeable massacre. The Jews, who had brought him some +presents to wear at his inaugural ball, were insulted by the populace, +who believed that the king favored a massacre, and so many were put to +death. + +Richard and Philip of France organized a successful crusade against +people who were not deemed orthodox, and succeeded in bagging a good +many in Syria, where the woods were full of infidels. + +Richard, however, was so overbearing that Philip could not get along +with him, and they dissolved partnership; but Richard captured Ascalon +after this. His army was too much reduced, however, to capture +Jerusalem. + +Saladin, the opposing sultan, was a great admirer of Richard, and when +the lion-hearted king was ill, sent him fruits and even ice, so the +historian says. Where the Saracens got their ice at that time we can +only surmise. + +Peace was established, and the pilgrims who desired to enter the holy +city were unmolested. This matter was settled in 1192. + +On his return Richard was compelled to go _incog._ through Germany, as +the authorities were opposed to him. He was discovered and confined till +a large ransom was paid. + +Philip and John, the king's brother, decided that Richard's extremity +was their opportunity, and so concluded to divide up his kingdom between +them. At this dramatic moment Richard, having paid his sixty thousand +pounds ransom and tipped his custodian, entered the English arena, and +the jig was up. John was obliged to ask pardon, and Richard generously +gave it, with the exclamation, "Oh, that I could forget his injuries as +soon as he will my forgiveness!" + +[Illustration: RICHARD TRAVELLING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY.] + +Richard never secured a peace with Philip, but died, in 1199, from the +effects of a wound received in France, and when but forty-two years of +age. The longevity among monarchs of the present day is indeed +gratifying when one reads of the brief lives of these old reigners, for +it surely demonstrates that royalty, when not carried to excess, is +rather conducive to health than otherwise. + +Richard died from the effects of an arrow wound, and all his foes in +this engagement were hanged, except the young warrior who had given him +his death wound. Doubtless this was done to encourage good marksmanship. + +England got no benefit from Richard's great daring and expensive picnics +in Palestine; but of course he advertised Great Britain, and frightened +foreign powers considerably. The taxation necessary to maintain an army +in the Holy Land, where board was high, kept England poor; but every one +was proud of Richard, because he feared not the face of clay. + +John, the disagreeable brother, succeeded Richard, and reigned seventeen +years, though his nephew, Arthur, the son of Geoffrey, was the rightful +heir. Philip, who kept himself in pocket-money by starting one-horse +rebellions against England, joined with Arthur long enough to effect a +treaty, in 1200, which kept him in groceries several years, when he +again brought Prince Arthur forward; but this was disastrous, for the +young prince was captured and cruelly assassinated by request of his +affectionate uncle, King John. + +To be a relative of the king in those good old days was generally +fatal. Let us rejoice that times have so greatly improved, and that the +wicked monarch has learned to seat himself gingerly upon his +bomb-infested throne. + +[Illustration: JOHN CAUSED ARTHUR TO BE CRUELLY MURDERED.] + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED: SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING +AN UNPOPULAR AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE. + + +Philip called the miserable monarch to account for the death of Arthur, +and, as a result, John lost his French possessions. Hence the weak and +wicked son of Henry Plantagenet, since called Lackland, ceased to be a +tax-payer in France, and proved to a curious world that a court fool in +his household was superfluous. + +John now became mixed up in a fracas with the Roman pontiff, who would +have been justified in giving him a Roman punch. Why he did not, no +Roman knows. + +On the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury in 1205, Stephen Langton +was elected to the place, with a good salary and use of the rectory. +John refused to confirm the appointment, whereat Innocent III., the +pontiff, closed the churches and declared a general lock-out. People +were denied Christian burial in 1208, and John was excommunicated in +1209. + +Philip united with the Pope, and together they raised the temperature +for John so that he yielded to the Roman pontiff, and in 1213 agreed to +pay him a comfortable tribute. The French king attempted to conquer +England, but was defeated in a great naval battle in the harbor of +Damme. Philip afterwards admitted that the English were not conquered +by a Damme site; but the Pope absolved him for two dollars. + +[Illustration: KING JOHN SIGNS THE MAGNA CHARTA.] + +It was now decided by the royal subjects that John should be still +further restrained, as he had disgraced his nation and soiled his +ermine. So the barons raised an army, took London, and at Runnymede, +June 15, 1215, compelled John to sign the famous Magna Charta, giving +his subjects many additional rights to the use of the climate, and so +forth, which they had not known before. + +Among other things the right of trial by his peers was granted to the +freeman; and so, out of the mental and moral chaos and general +strabismus of royal justice, everlasting truth and human rights arose. + +Scarcely was the ink dry on Magna Charta, and hardly had the king +returned his tongue to its place after signing the instrument, when he +began to organize an army of foreign soldiers, with which he laid waste +with fire and sword the better part of "Merrie Englande." + +But the barons called on Philip, the general salaried Peacemaker +Plenipotentiary, who sent his son Louis with an army to overtake John +and punish him severely. The king was overtaken by the tide and lost all +his luggage, treasure, hat-box, dress-suit case, return ticket, annual +address, shoot-guns, stab-knives, rolling stock, and catapults, +together with a fine flock of battering-rams. + +This loss brought on a fever, of which he died, in 1216 A.D., after +eighteen years of reign and wind. + +A good execrator could here pause a few weeks and do well. + +History holds but few such characters as John, who was not successful +even in crime. He may be regarded roughly as the royal poultice who +brought matters to a head in England, and who, by means of his +treachery, cowardice, and phenomenal villany, acted as a +counter-irritant upon the malarial surface of the body politic. + +After the death of John, the Earl of Pembroke, who was Marshal of +England, caused Henry, the nine-year-old son of the late king, to be +promptly crowned. + +Pembroke was chosen protector, and so served till 1219, when he died, +and was succeeded by Hubert de Burgh. Louis, with the French forces, had +been defeated and driven back home, so peace followed. + +Henry III. was a weak king, as is too well known, but was kind. He +behaved well enough till about 1231, when he began to ill-treat de +Burgh. + +He became subservient to the French element and his wife's relatives +from Provence (pronounced _Provongs_). He imported officials by the +score, and Eleanor's family never released their hold upon the public +teat night or day. They would cry bitterly if deprived of same even for +a moment. This was about the year 1236. + +[Illustration: THE PROMPT CORONATION OF THE NINE-YEAR-OLD KING HENRY.] + +Besides this, and feeling that more hot water was necessary to keep up a +ruddy glow, the king was held tightly beneath the thumb of the Pope. +Thus Italy claimed and secured the fat official positions in the church. +The pontiff gave Henry the crown of Sicily with a C.O.D. on it, which +Henry could not raise without the assistance of Parliament. Parliament +did not like this, and the barons called upon him one evening with +concealed brass knuckles and things, and compelled him to once more +comply with the regulations of Magna Charta, which promise he rigidly +adhered to until the committee had turned the first corner outside the +royal lawn. + +[Illustration: THE BARONS COMPELLED HENRY III. TO PROMISE COMPLIANCE +WITH THE MAGNA CHARTA.] + +Possessing peculiar gifts as a versatile liar and boneless coward, and +being entirely free from the milk of human kindness or bowels of +compassion, his remains were eagerly sought after and yearned for by +scientists long before he decided to abandon them. + +Again, in 1258, he was required to submit to the requests of the barons; +but they required too much this time, and a civil war followed. + +Simon de Montfort, Earl of Leicester, at the head of the rebellious +barons, won a victory over the king in 1264, and took the monarch and +his son Edward prisoners. + +Leicester now ruled the kingdom, and not only called an extra session of +Parliament, but in 1265 admitted representatives of the towns and +boroughs, thereby instituting the House of Commons, where self-made +men might sit on the small of the back with their hats on and cry "Hear! +Hear!" + +The House of Commons is regarded as the bulwark of civil and political +liberty, and when under good police regulations is still a great boon. + +Prince Edward escaped from jail and organized an army, which in 1265 +defeated the rebels, and Leicester and his son were slain. The wicked +soldiery wreaked their vengeance upon the body of the fallen man, for +they took great pride in their prowess as wreakers; but in the hearts of +the people Leicester was regarded as a martyr to their cause. + +Henry III. was now securely seated once more upon his rather restless +throne, and as Edward had been a good boy for some time, his father gave +him permission to visit the Holy Land, in 1270, with Louis of France, +who also wished to go to Jerusalem and take advantage of the low Jewish +clothing market. In 1272 Henry died, during the absence of his son, +after fifty-six years of vacillation and timidity. He was the kind of +king who would sit up half of the night trying to decide which boot to +pull off first, and then, with a deep-drawn sigh, go to bed with them +on. + +Edward, surnamed "Longshanks," having collected many antiques, and cut +up a few also, returned and took charge of the throne. He found England +prosperous and the Normans and Saxons now thoroughly united and +homogeneous. Edward did not hurry home as some would have done, but sent +word to have his father's funeral made as cheery as possible, and +remained over a year in Italy and France. He was crowned in 1274. In a +short time, however, he had trouble with the Welsh, and in 1282, in +battle, the Welsh prince became somehow entangled with his own name so +that he tripped and fell, and before he could recover his feet was +slain. + +[Illustration: LONGSHANKS RECEIVES TIDINGS OF HIS FATHER'S DEATH.] + +Wales having been annexed to the crown, Edward's son was vested with its +government, and the heir-apparent has ever since been called the Prince +of Wales. It is a good position, but becomes irksome after fifty or +sixty years, it is said. + +[Illustration: CONQUEST OF WALES.] + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED: ILLUSTRATING THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW +AND THE PERVERSITY OF THE SCOT. + + +In 1278 the Jews, to the number of two hundred and eighty, were hanged +for having in their possession clipped coins. Shortly afterwards all the +Jews in England were imprisoned. Whenever times were hard the Jews were +imprisoned, and on one job lot alone twelve thousand pounds were +realized in ransom. And still the Jews are not yet considered as among +the redeemed. In 1290 they were all banished from the kingdom and their +property seized by the crown. This seizure of real estate turned the +attention of the Jews to the use of diamonds as an investment. For four +hundred years the Jews were not permitted to return to England. + +Scotch wars were kept up during the rest of Edward's reign; but in 1291, +with great reluctance, Scotland submitted, and Baliol, whose trouble +with Bruce had been settled in favor of the former, was placed upon the +throne. But the king was overbearing to Baliol, insomuch that the +Scotch joined with the Normans in war with England, which resulted, in +1293, in the destruction of the Norman navy. + +Philip then subpoenaed Edward, as Duke of Guienne, to show cause why he +should not pay damages for the loss of the navy, which could not be +replaced for less than twenty pounds, and finally wheedled Edward out of +the duchy. + +Philip maintained a secret understanding with Baliol, however, and +Edward called a parliament, founded upon the great principle that "what +concerns all should be approved by all." This was in 1295; and on this +declaration, so far as successful government is concerned, hang all the +law and the profits. + +The following year Edward marched into Scotland, where he captured +Baliol and sent him to France, where he died, in boundless obscurity, in +1297. Baliol was succeeded by the brave William Wallace, who won a great +battle at Stirling, but was afterwards defeated entirely at Falkirk, and +in 1305 was executed in London by request. + +But the Scotch called to their aid Robert Bruce, the grandson of +Baliol's competitor, and he was solemnly crowned at the Abbey of Scone. + +During a successful campaign against these people Edward fell sick, and +died in 1307. He left orders for the Scottish war to be continued till +that restless and courageous people were subdued. + +[Illustration: THE FRENCH KING ENTERS INTO A SECRET ALLIANCE WITH +BALIOL.] + +Edward was called the English Justinian; yet those acts for which he is +most famous were reluctantly done because of the demands made by a +determined people. + +During his reign gunpowder was discovered by Roger Bacon, whereby Guy +Fawkes was made possible. Without him England would still be a +slumbering fog-bank upon the shores of Time. + +[Illustration: ROGER BACON DISCOVERS GUNPOWDER.] + +Young Edward was not much of a monarch. He forgot to fight the Scots, +and soon Robert Bruce had won back the fortresses taken by the English, +and Edward II., under the influence of an attractive trifler named +Gaveston, dawdled away his days and frittered away his nights. Finally +the nobles, who disliked Gaveston, captured him and put him in Warwick +Castle, and in 1312 the royal favorite was horrified to find near him a +large pool of blood, and on a further search discovered his own head +lying in the gutter of the court. Turning sick at the gory sight, he +buried his face in his handkerchief and expired. + +The nobles were forgiven afterwards by the king, who now turned his +attention to the victorious Scots. + +Stirling Castle and the Fortress of Berwick alone remained to the +English, and Robert Bruce was besieging the latter. + +The English, numbering one hundred thousand, at Bannockburn fought +against thirty thousand Scots. Bruce surprised the cavalry with deep +pits, and before the English could recover from this, an approaching +reinforcement for the Scotch was seen coming over the hill. This +consisted of "supes," with banners and bagpipes; and though they were +really teamsters in disguise, their hostile appearance and the +depressing music of the bagpipes so shocked the English that they did +not stop running until they reached Berwick. The king came around to +Berwick from Dunbar by steamer, thus saving his life, and obtaining +much-needed rest on board the boat.[A] + +[Footnote A: Doubtless this is an error, so far as the steamer is +concerned; but the statement can do no harm, and the historian cannot be +positive in matters of this kind at all times, for the strain upon his +memory is too great. The critic, too, should not be forgotten in a work +of this kind. He must do something to support his family, or he will +become disliked.--AUTHOR.] + +Edward found himself now on the verge of open war with Ireland and +Wales, and the population of the Isle of Wight and another person, whose +name is not given, threatened to declare war. The English nobles, too, +were insubordinate, and the king, who had fallen under the influence of +a man named Spencer and his father, was required by the best society, +headed by Lancaster, to exile both of these wicked advisers. + +Afterwards the king attacked Lancaster with his army, and having +captured him, had him executed in 1322. + +[Illustration: UNFORTUNATE KING WAS TREATED WITH REVOLTING CRUELTY.] + +The Spencers now returned, and the queen began to cut up strangely and +create talk. She formed the acquaintance of Roger Mortimer, who +consented to act as her paramour. They organized a scheme to throw off +the Spencers and dethrone Edward the Thinkless, her husband, in 1325. + +Any one who has tried to be king even for a few weeks under the above +circumstances must agree with the historian that it is no moonlight +frolic. + +Edward fled to Wales, but in 1326 was requested to come home and remain +in jail there, instead of causing a scandal by staying away and spending +his money in Wales. He was confined in Kenilworth Castle, while his son +was ostensibly king, though his wife and Mortimer really managed the +kingdom and behaved in a scandalous way, Mortimer wearing the king's +clothes, shaving with his razor, and winding the clock every night as +though he owned the place.[A] This was in 1327. + +[Footnote A: The clock may safely be omitted from the above account, as +later information would indicate that this may be an error, though there +is no doubt that Mortimer at this time wore out two suits of the king's +pajamas.--Author.] + +In September the poor king was put to death by co-respondent Mortimer in +a painful and sickening manner, after having been most inhumanly +treated in Berkeley Castle, whither he had been removed. + +Thus ends the sad history of a monarch who might have succeeded in a +minor position on a hen farm, but who made a beastly fluke in the king +business. + +The assurance of Mortimer in treating the king as he did is a blot upon +the fair page of history in high life. Let us turn over a new leaf. + +[Illustration: ON A HEN FARM.] + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH: INTERMINABLE DISSENSION, ASSISTED BY THE +PLAGUE, CONTINUES REDUCING THE POPULATION. + + +It is a little odd, but it is true, that Edward III. was crowned at +fourteen and married at fifteen years of age. Princes in those days were +affianced as soon as they were weighed, and married before they got +their eyes open, though even yet there are many people who do not get +their eyes opened until after marriage. Edward married Philippa, +daughter of the Count of Hainault, to whom he had been engaged while +teething. + +In 1328 Mortimer mixed up matters with the Scots, by which he +relinquished his claim to Scotch homage. Being still the gentleman +friend of Isabella, the regent, he had great influence. He assumed, on +the ratification of the above treaty by Parliament, the title of Earl of +March. + +The young prince rose to the occasion, and directed several of his +nobles to forcibly drag the Earl of March from the apartments of the +guilty pair, and in 1330 he became the Earl of Double-Quick March--a +sort of forced March--towards the gibbet, where he was last seen trying +to stand on the English climate. The queen was kept in close confinement +during the rest of her life, and the morning papers of that time +contained nothing of a social nature regarding her doings. + +[Illustration: IN 1330 MORTIMER BECAME THE EARL OF DOUBLE-QUICK MARCH.] + +The Scots, under David Bruce, were defeated at Halidon Hill in 1333, and +Bruce fled to France. Thus again under a vassal of the English king, +Edward Baliol by name, the Scotch crooked the reluctant hinges of the +knee. + +Edward now claimed to be a more direct heir through Queen Isabella than +Philip, the cousin of Charles IV., who occupied the throne, so he +proceeded to vindicate himself against King Philip in the usual way. He +destroyed the French fleet in 1340, defeated Philip, though with +inferior numbers, at Crecy, and demonstrated for the first time that +cannon could be used with injurious results on the enemy. + +[Illustration: EDWARD DEMONSTRATED AT THE BATTLE OF CRECY THAT CANNON +COULD BE USED WITH VIGOROUS RESULTS.] + +In 1346 the Black Prince, as Edward was called, on account of the color +of the Russia iron used in making his mackintosh, may be said to have +commenced his brilliant military career. He captured Calais,--the key to +France,--and made it a flourishing English city and a market for wool, +leather, tin, and lead. It so continued for two hundred years. + +The Scotch considered this a good time to regain their independence, +and David Bruce took charge of the enterprise, but was defeated at +Neville's Cross, in 1346, and taken prisoner. + +Philippa here distinguished herself during the absence of the king, by +encouraging the troops and making a telling equestrian speech to them +before the battle. After the capture of Bruce, too, she repaired to +Calais, where she prevented the king's disgraceful execution of six +respectable citizens who had been sent to surrender the city. + +[Illustration: A CLOSE CALL FOR THE SIX CITIZENS OF CALAIS.] + +During a truce between the English and French, England was visited by +the Black Death, a plague that came from Asia and bade fair to +depopulate the country. London lost fifty thousand people, and at times +there were hardly enough people left to bury the dead or till the +fields. This contagion occurred in 1349, and even attacked the domestic +animals. + +[Illustration: NO MONARCH OF SPIRIT CARES TO HAVE HIS THRONE PULLED FROM +UNDER HIM JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO OCCUPY IT.] + +John having succeeded Philip in France, in 1350 Edward made another +effort to recover the French throne; but no monarch of spirit cares to +have his throne pulled from beneath him just as he is about to occupy +it, and so, when the Black Prince began to burn and plunder southern +France, his father made a similar excursion from Calais, in 1355. + +The next year the Black Prince sent twelve thousand men into the heart +of France, where they met an army of sixty thousand, and the English +general offered all his conquests cheerfully to John for the privilege +of returning to England; but John overstepped himself by demanding an +unconditional surrender, and a battle followed in which the French were +whipped out of their boots and the king captured. We should learn from +this to know when we have enough. + +This battle was memorable because the English loss was mostly confined +to the common soldiery, while among the French it was peculiarly fatal +to the nobility. Two dukes, nineteen counts, five thousand men-at-arms, +and eight thousand infantry were killed, and a bobtail flush royal was +found to have been bagged as prisoners. + +For four years John was a prisoner, but well treated. He was then +allowed to resume his renovated throne; but failing to keep good his +promises to the English, he came back to London by request, and died +there in 1364. + +The war continued under Charles, the new French monarch; and though +Edward was an able and courteous foe, in 1370 he became so irritated +because of the revolt of Limoges, notwithstanding his former kindness to +its people, that he caused three thousand of her citizens to be put to +the sword. + +The Black Prince fought no more, but after six years of illness died, +in 1376, with a good record for courage and statecraft. His father, the +king, survived him only a year, expiring in the sixty-fifth year of his +age, 1377. + +English literature was encouraged during his reign, and John Wickliffe, +Gower, Chaucer, and other men whose genius greatly outstripped their +orthography were seen to flourish some. + +[Illustration: A STRIKING ILLUSTRATION OF WAT TYLER'S CONTROVERSY WITH +THE TAX RECEIVER.] + +Edward III. was succeeded by his grandson, Richard, and war with France +was maintained, though Charles the Wise held his own, with the aid of +the Scotch under Robert II., the first of the Stuarts. + +A heavy war-tax was levied _per capita_ at the rate of three groats on +male and female above the age of fifteen, and those who know the value +of a groat will admit that it was too much. A damsel named Tyler, +daughter of Wat the Tyler, was so badly treated by the assessor that her +father struck the officer dead with his hammer, in 1381, and placed +himself at the head of a revolt, numbering one hundred thousand people, +who collected on Blackheath. Jack Straw and Rev. John Ball also aided in +the convention. The latter objected to the gentlemen on general +principles, claiming that Adam was no gentleman, and that Eve had still +less claim in that direction.[A] + +[Footnote A: Rev. John Ball chose as a war-cry and transparency these +words: + + "When Adam delved and Eve span, + Where was then the gentleman?" + +Those who have tried it in modern times say that to be a gentleman is no +sinecure, and the well-bred author falls in with this sentiment, though +still regarding it as a great boon.--HISTORIAN.] + +In this outbreak, and during the same year, the rebels broke into the +city of London, burned the palaces, plundered the warehouses, and killed +off the gentlemen wherever an _alibi_ could not be established, winding +up with the murder of the Archbishop of Canterbury. + +During a conference with Tyler, the king was so rudely addressed by Wat, +that Walworth, mayor of London, struck the rebel with his sword, and +others despatched him before he knew exactly Wat was Wat. + +Richard, to quiet this storm, acceded to the rebel demands until he +could get his forces together, when he ignored his promises in a right +royal manner in the same year. One of these concessions was the +abolition of slavery and the novel use of wages for farm work. By his +failure to keep this promise, serfdom continued in England four hundred +years afterwards. + +Richard now became unpopular, and showed signs of worthlessness. He +banished his cousin Henry, and dispossessed him of his estates. This, of +course, irritated Henry, who entered England while the king was in +Ireland, and his forces were soon joined by sixty thousand malecontents. + +Poor Richard wandered away to Wales, where he was in constant danger of +falling off, and after living on chestnuts knocked from the high trees +by means of his sceptre, he returned disgusted and took up his quarters +in the Tower, where he died of starvation in 1400. + +Nothing can be more pathetic than the picture of a king crying for +bread, yet willing to compromise on tarts. A friendless king sitting on +the hard stone floor of the Tower, after years spent on board of an +elastic throne with rockers under it, would move even the hardened +historian to tears. (A brief intermission is here offered for unavailing +tears.) + +[Illustration: A FRIENDLESS KING SITTING ON THE HARD STONE FLOOR OF THE +TOWER.] + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS: ONWARD MARCH OF CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY +DELINEATED WITH THE HISTORIAN'S USUAL COMPLETENESS. + + +The Plantagenet period saw the establishment of the House of Commons, +and cut off the power of the king to levy taxes without the consent of +Parliament. It also exchanged the judicial rough-and-tumble on horseback +for the trial by jury. Serfdom continued, and a good horse would bring +more in market than a man. + +Agriculture was still in its infancy, and the farmer refused to adopt a +new and attractive plough because it did not permit the ploughman to +walk near enough to his team, that he might twist the tail of the +patient bullock. + +The costumes of the period seem odd, as we look back upon them, for the +men wore pointed shoes with toes tied to the girdle, and trousers and +coat each of different colors: for instance, sometimes one sleeve was +black and the other white, while the ladies wore tall hats, sometimes +two feet high, and long trains. They also carried two swords in the +girdle, doubtless to protect them from the nobility. + +[Illustration: SLAVES WERE BOUGHT AND SOLD AT THE FAIRS.] + +Each house of any size had a "pleasance," and the "herberie," or physic +garden, which was the pioneer of the pie-plant bed, was connected with +the monasteries. + +[Illustration: ASTROLOGY WAS THE FAVORITE STUDY OF THOSE TIMES.] + +Roger Bacon was thrown into prison for having too good an education. +Scientists in those days always ran the risk of being surprised, and +more than one discoverer wound up by discovering himself in jail. + +Astrology was a favorite amusement, especially among the young people. + +Henry IV., son of John of Gaunt, fourth son of Edward III., became king +in 1399, though Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March, and great-grandson of +Lionel, the third son of Edward III., was the rightful heir. This boy +was detained in Windsor Castle by Henry's orders. + +[Illustration: HENRY PROTECTS THE CHURCH FROM HERESY.] + +Henry succeeded in catching a heretic, in 1401, and burned him at the +stake. This was the first person put to death in England for his +religious belief, and the occasion was the origin of the epitaph, "Well +done, good and faithful servant." + +Conspiracies were quite common in those days, one of them being +organized by Harry Percy, called "Hotspur" because of his irritability. +The ballad of Chevy Chase was founded upon his exploits at the battle of +Otterburn, in 1388. The Percys favored Mortimer, and so united with the +Welsh and Scots. + +A large fight occurred at Shrewsbury in 1403. The rebels were defeated +and Percy slain. Northumberland was pardoned, and tried it again, +assisted by the Archbishop of York, two years later. The archbishop was +executed in 1405. Northumberland made another effort, but was defeated +and slain. + +In 1413 Henry died, leaving behind him the record of a fraudulent +sovereign who was parsimonious, sour, and superstitious, without virtue +or religion. + +He was succeeded by his successor, which was customary at that time. +Henry V. was his son, a youth who was wild and reckless. He had been in +jail for insulting the chief-justice, as a result of a drunken frolic +and fine. He was real wild and bad, and had no more respect for his +ancestry than a chicken born in an incubator. Yet he reformed on taking +the throne. + +[Illustration: HENRY V. HAD ON ONE OCCASION BEEN COMMITTED TO PRISON.] + +Henry now went over to France with a view to securing the throne, but +did not get it, as it was occupied at the time. So he returned; but at +Agincourt was surprised by the French army, four times as large as his +own, and with a loss of forty only, he slew ten thousand of the French +and captured fourteen thousand. What the French were doing while this +slaughter was going on the modern historian has great difficulty in +figuring out. This battle occurred in 1415, and two years after Henry +returned to France, hoping to do equally well. He made a treaty at +Troyes with the celebrated idiot Charles VI., and promised to marry his +daughter Catherine, who was to succeed Charles upon his death, and try +to do better. Henry became Regent of France by this ruse, but died in +1422, and left his son Henry, less than a year old. The king's death was +a sad blow to England, for he was an improvement on the general run of +kings. Henry V. left a brother, the Duke of Bedford, who became +Protector and Regent of France; but when Charles the Imbecile died, his +son, Charles VII., rose to the occasion, and a war of some years began. +After some time, Bedford invaded southern France and besieged Orleans. + +[Illustration: HENRY, PROCLAIMED REGENT OF FRANCE, ENTERED PARIS IN +TRIUMPH.] + +Joan of Arc had been told of a prophecy to the effect that France could +only be delivered from the English by a virgin, and so she, though only +a peasant girl, yet full of a strange, eager heroism which was almost +inspiration, applied to the king for a commission. + +[Illustration: JOAN OF ARC INDUCES THE KING TO BELIEVE THE TRUTH OF HER +MISSION.] + +Inspired by her perfect faith and godlike heroism, the French fought +like tigers, and, in 1429, the besiegers went home. She induced the king +to be crowned in due form at Rheims, and asked for an honorable +discharge; but she was detained, and the English, who afterwards +captured her, burned her to death at Rouen, in 1431, on the charge of +sorcery. Those who did this afterwards regretted it and felt mortified. +Her death did the invaders no good; but above her ashes, and moistened +by her tears,--if such a feat were possible,--liberty arose once more, +and, in 1437, Charles was permitted to enter Paris and enjoy the town +for the first time in twenty years. In 1444 a truce of six years was +established. + +Henry was a disappointment, and, as Bedford was dead, the Duke of +Gloucester, the king's uncle, and Cardinal Beaufort, his guardian, had, +up to his majority, been the powers behind the throne. + +Henry married Margaret of Anjou, a very beautiful and able lady, who +possessed the qualities so lacking in the king. They were married in +1445, and, if living, this would be the four hundred and fifty-first +anniversary of their wedding. It is, anyway. (1896.) + +The provinces of Maine and Anjou were given by the king in return for +Margaret. Henry continued to show more and more signs of fatty +degeneration of the cerebrator, and Gloucester, who had opposed the +marriage, was found dead in his prison bed, whither he had been sent at +Margaret's request. The Duke of York, the queen's favorite, succeeded +him, and Somerset, another favorite, succeeded York. In 1451 it was +found that the English had lost all their French possessions except +Calais. + +Things went from bad to worse, and, in 1450, Jack Cade headed an +outbreak; but he was slain, and the king showing renewed signs of +intellectual fag, Richard, Duke of York, was talked of as the people's +choice on account of his descent from Edward III. He was for a few days +Protector, but the queen was too strongly opposed to him, and he +resigned. + +[Illustration: RICHARD AND HIS ADHERENTS RAISING AN ARMY FOR THE REDRESS +OF GRIEVANCES.] + +He then raised an army, and in a battle at St. Albans, in 1455, +defeated the royalists, capturing the king. This was the opening of the +War of the Roses,--so called because as badges the Lancastrians wore a +red rose and the Yorkists a white rose. This war lasted over thirty +years, and killed off the nobility like sheep. They were, it is said, +virtually annihilated, and thus a better class of nobility was +substituted. + +The king was restored; but in 1460 there occurred the battle of +Northampton, in which he was defeated and again taken prisoner by the +Earl of Warwick. + +[Illustration: BY REQUEST OF MARGARET, HIS HEAD WAS REMOVED FROM HIS +BODY TO THE GATES OF YORK.] + +Margaret was a woman of great spirit, and when the Duke of York was +given the throne she went to Scotland, and in the battle of Wakefield +her army defeated and captured the duke. At her request he was beheaded, +and his head, ornamented with a paper crown, placed on the gates of +York, as shown in the rather life-like--or death-like--etching on the +preceding page. + +The queen was for a time successful, and her army earned a slight +reputation for cruelty also; but Edward, son of the late Duke of York, +embittered somewhat by the flippant death of his father, was soon +victorious over the Lancastrians, and, in 1461, was crowned King of +England at a good salary, with the use of a large palace and a good well +of water and barn. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY: INTRODUCTION OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY +AID IN THE PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION. + + +Henry VI. left no royal record worth remembering save the establishment +of Eton and King's Colleges. Edward IV., who began his reign in 1461, +was bold and active. Queen Margaret's army of sixty thousand men which +attacked him was defeated and half her forces slaughtered, no quarter +being given. + +His title was now confirmed, and Margaret fled to Scotland. Three years +later she attempted again to secure the throne through the aid of Louis +XI., but failed. Henry, who had been in concealment, was now confined in +the Tower, as shown in the engraving on the following page. + +[Illustration: HENRY VI. IMPRESSED IN THE TOWER.] + +Edward's marriage was not satisfactory, and, as he bestowed all the +offices on his wife's relatives, Warwick deserted him and espoused the +cause of Queen Margaret. + +He had no trouble in raising an army and compelling Edward to flee. +Henry was taken from the Tower and crowned, his rights having been +recognized by Parliament. Warwick and his son-in-law, the Duke of +Clarence, brother to Edward IV., were made regents, therefore, in 1471. +Before the year was out, however, the tables were again turned, and +Henry found himself once more in his old quarters in the Tower. Warwick +was soon defeated and slain, and on the same day Margaret and her son +Edward landed in England. She and Edward were defeated and taken +prisoners at Tewkesbury, and the young prince cruelly put to death by +the Dukes of Clarence and Gloucester, brothers of Edward IV. Margaret +was placed in the Tower, and a day or two after Henry died mysteriously +there, it is presumed at the hands of Gloucester, who was socially an +unpleasant man to meet after dark. + +Margaret died in France, in 1482, and the Lancastrians gave up all hope. +Edward, feeling again secure, at the instigation of his younger +brother, Richard, Duke of Gloucester, caused Clarence, the other +brother, to be put to death, and then began to give his entire attention +to vice, never allowing his reign to get into his rum or interfere with +it. + +He was a very handsome man, but died, in 1483, of what the historian +calls a distemper. Some say he died of heart-failure while sleeping off +an attack of coma. Anyway, he turned up his comatose, as one might say, +and passed on from a spirituous life to a spiritual one, such as it may +be. He was a counterfeit sovereign. + +In 1474 the first book was printed in England, and more attention was +then paid to spelling. William Caxton printed this book,--a work on +chess. The form of the types came from Germany, and was used till James +I. introduced the Roman type. James I. took a great interest in plain +and ornamental job printing, and while trying to pick a calling card out +of the jaws of a crude job-press in the early years of his reign, +contributed a royal thumb to this restless emblem of progress and +civilization. (See next page.) + +[Illustration: JAMES I. CONTRIBUTING HIS MITE TO THE ADVANCEMENT OF +KNOWLEDGE.] + +The War of the Roses having destroyed the nobility, times greatly +improved, and Industry was declared constitutional. + +Edward V. at twelve years of age became king, and his uncle Dick, Duke +of Gloucester, became Protector. As such he was a disgrace, for he +protected nobody but himself. The young king and his brother, the Duke +of York, were placed in the Tower, and their uncle, Lord Hastings, and +several other offensive partisans, on the charge of treason, were +executed in 1483. He then made arrangements that he should be urged to +accept the throne, and with a coy and reluctant grace peculiar to this +gifted assassin, he caused himself to be proclaimed Richard III. + +[Illustration: DEATH OF BUCKINGHAM.] + +Richard then caused the young princes to be smothered in their beds, in +what is now called the Bloody Tower. The Duke of Buckingham was at first +loaded with honors in return for his gory assistance; but even he became +disgusted with the wicked usurper, and headed a Welsh rebellion. He was +not successful, and, in 1483, he received a slight testimonial from the +king, as portrayed by the gifted artist of this work. The surprise and +sorrow shown on the face of the duke, together with his thrift and +economy in keeping his cigar from being spattered, and his determination +that, although he might be put out, the cigar should not be, prove him +to have been a man of great force of character for a duke. + +Richard now espoused his niece, daughter of Edward IV., and in order to +make the home nest perfectly free from social erosion, he caused his +consort, Anne, to be poisoned. Those who believed the climate around the +throne to be bracing and healthful had a chance to change their views in +a land where pea-soup fog can never enter. Anne was the widow of Edward, +whom Richard slew at Tewkesbury. + +[Illustration: STONE COFFIN OF RICHARD III.] + +Every one felt that Richard was a disgrace to the country, and Henry, +Earl of Richmond, succeeded in defeating and slaying the usurper on +Bosworth Field, in 1485, when Henry was crowned on the battle-field. + +Richard was buried at Leicester; but during the reign of Henry VIII., +when the monasteries were destroyed, Richard's body was exhumed and his +stone coffin used for many years in that town as a horse-trough. + +Shakespeare and the historians give an unpleasant impression regarding +Richard's personality; but this was done in the interests of the Tudors, +perhaps. He was highly intelligent, and if he had given less attention +to usurpation, would have been more popular. + +Under the administrations of the houses of Lancaster and York serfdom +was abolished, as the slaves who were armed during the War of the Roses +would not submit again to slavery after they had fought for their +country. + +Agriculture suffered, and some of the poor had to subsist upon acorns +and wild roots. During those days Whittington was thrice Lord Mayor of +London, though at first only a poor boy. Even in the land of lineage +this poor lad, with a cat and no other means of subsistence, won his way +to fame and fortune. + +The manufacture of wool encouraged the growing of sheep, and, in 1455, +silk began to attract attention. + +During his reign Richard had known what it was to need money, and the +rich merchants and pawnbrokers were familiar with his countenance when +he came after office hours to negotiate a small loan. + +[Illustration: RICHARD HAS A CONFERENCE WITH THE MONEY-LENDER.] + +Science spent a great deal of surplus energy experimenting on alchemy, +and the Philosopher's Stone, as well as the Elixir of Life, attracted +much attention; but, as neither of these commodities are now on the +market, it is presumed that they were never successful. + +Printing may be regarded as the most valuable discovery during those +bloody years, showing that Peace hath her victories no less than War, +and from this art came the most powerful and implacable enemy to +Ignorance and its attendant crimes that Progress can call its own. + +No two authors spelled alike at that time, however, and the literature +of the day was characterized by the most startling originality along +that line. + +The drama began to bud, and the chief roles were taken by the clergy. +They acted Bible scenes interspersed with local witticisms, and often +turned away money. + +Afterwards followed what were called Moral Plays, in which the bad man +always suffered intensely on a small salary. + +The feudal castles disappeared, and new and more airy architecture +succeeded them. A better class of furniture also followed; but it was +very thinly scattered through the rooms, and a person on rising from his +bed in the night would have some difficulty in falling over anything. +Tidies on the chairs were unknown, and there was only tapestry enough to +get along with in a sort of hand-to-mouth way. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE +INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER. + + +[Illustration: RICHARD III.] + +We will now write out a few personal recollections of Richard III. This +great monarch, of whom so much has been said pro and con,--but mostly +con,--was born at Fotheringhay Castle, October 2, 1452, in the presence +of his parents and a physician whose name has at this moment escaped the +treacherous memory of the historian. + +Richard was the son of Richard, Duke of York, and Cecily Neville, +daughter of the Earl of Westmoreland, his father being the legitimate +heir to the throne by descent in the female line, so he was the head of +the Yorkists in the War of the Roses. + +Richard's father, the Duke of York, while struggling one day with Henry +VI., the royal jackass that flourished in 1460, prior to the conquest +of the Fool-Killer, had the misfortune, while trying to wrest the throne +from Henry, to get himself amputated at the second joint. He was brought +home in two pieces, and ceased to draw a salary as a duke from that on. +This cast a gloom over Richard, and inspired in his breast a strong +desire to cut off the heads of a few casual acquaintances. + +He was but eight years of age at this time, and was taken prisoner and +sent to Utrecht, Holland. He was returned in good order the following +year. His elder brother Edward having become king, under the title of +Edward IV., Richard was then made Duke of Gloucester, Lord High Admiral, +Knight of the Garter, and Earl of Balmoral. + +It was at this time that he made the celebrated _bon-mot_ relative to +dogs as pets. + +Having been out the evening before attending a watermelon recital in the +country, and having contributed a portion of his clothing to a +barbed-wire fence and the balance to an open-faced Waterbury bull-dog, +some one asked him what he thought of the dog as a pet. + +Richard drew himself up to his full height, and said that, as a rule, he +favored the dog as a pet, but that the man who got too intimate with the +common low-browed bull-dog of the fifteenth century would find that it +must certainly hurt him in the end. + +[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT TOO INTIMATE WITH THE COMMON LOW-BROWED +BULL-DOG.] + +He resided for several years under the tutelage of the Earl of Warwick, +who was called the "Kingmaker," and afterwards, in 1470, fled to +Flanders, remaining fled for some time. He commanded the van of the +Yorkist army at the battle of Barnet, April 14, 1471, and Tewkesbury, +May 4, fighting gallantly at both places on both sides, it is said, and +admitting it in an article which he wrote for an English magazine. + +He has been accused of having murdered Prince Edward after the battle, +and also his father, Henry VI., in the Tower a few days later, but it is +not known to be a fact. + +Richard was attainted and outlawed by Parliament at one time; but he was +careful about what he ate, and didn't get his feet wet, so, at last, +having a good preamble and constitution, he pulled through. + +He married his own cousin, Anne Neville, who made a first-rate queen. +She got so that it was no trouble at all for her to reign while Dick was +away attending to his large slaughtering interests. + +Richard at this time was made Lord High Constable and Keeper of the +Pound. He was also Justiciary of North Wales, Seneschal of the Duchy of +Lancaster, and Chief of Police on the North Side. + +His brother Clarence was successfully executed for treason in February, +1478, and Richard, without a moment's hesitation, came to the front and +inherited the estates. + +[Illustration: RICHARD HAD A STORMY TIME.] + +Richard had a stormy time of it up to 1481, when he was made "protector +and defender of the realm" early in May. He then proceeded with a few +neglected executions. This list was headed--or rather beheaded--by Lord +Chamberlain Hastings, who tendered his resignation in a pail of saw-dust +soon after Richard became "protector and defender of the realm." Richard +laid claim to the throne in June, on the grounds of the illegitimacy of +his nephews, and was crowned July 6. So was his queen. They sat on this +throne for some time, and each had a sceptre with which to welt their +subjects over the head and keep off the flies in summer. Richard could +wield a sceptre longer and harder, it is said, than any other +middle-weight monarch known to history. The throne used by Richard is +still in existence, and has an aperture in it containing some very old +gin. + +The reason this gin was left, it is said, was that he was suddenly +called away from the throne and never lived to get back. No monarch +should ever leave his throne in too much of a hurry. + +Richard made himself very unpopular in 1485 by his forced loans, as they +were called: a system of assessing a man after dark with a self-cocking +writ and what was known as the headache-stick, a small weapon which was +worn up the sleeve during the day, and which was worn behind the ear by +the loyal subject after nightfall. It was a common sight, so says the +historian, to hear the nightfall and the headache-stick fall at the same +time. + +[Illustration: THEY SAT ON THE THRONE FOR SOME TIME.] + +The queen died in 1485, and Richard thought some of marrying again; but +it got into the newspapers because he thought of it while a +correspondent was going by, who heard it and telegraphed his paper who +the lady was and all about it. This scared Richard out, and he changed +his mind about marrying, concluding, as a mild substitute, to go into +battle at Bosworth and get killed all at once. He did so on the 22d of +August. + +[Illustration: A MILD SUBSTITUTE FOR SECOND MARRIAGE.] + +After his death it was found that he had rolled up his pantaloons above +his knees, so that he would not get gore on them. This custom was +afterwards generally adopted in England. + +He was buried by the nuns of Leicester in their chapel, Richmond then +succeeding him as king. He was buried in the usual manner, and a large +amount of obloquy heaped on him. + +That is one advantage of being great. After one's grave is filled up, +one can have a large three-cornered chunk of obloquy put on the top of +it to mark the spot and keep medical students away of nights. + +Greatness certainly has its drawbacks, as the Duchess of Bloomer once +said to the author, after she had been sitting on a dry-goods box with a +nail in it, and had, therefore, called forth adverse criticism. An +unknown man might have sat on that same dry-goods box and hung on the +same nail till he was black in the face without causing remarks, but +with the Duchess of Bloomer it was different,--oh, so different! + +[Illustration: TOMB OF RICHARD III.] + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD: GENERAL ADMIXTURE OF PRETENDERS, +RELIGION, POLITICS, AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS. + + +As a result of the Bosworth victory, Henry Tudor obtained the use of the +throne from 1485 to 1509. He saw at once by means of an eagle eye that +with the house of York so popular among his people, nothing but a firm +hand and eternal vigilance could maintain his sovereignty. He kept the +young Earl of Warwick, son of the Duke of Clarence, carefully indoors +with massive iron gewgaws attached to his legs, thus teaching him to be +backward about mingling in the false joys of society. + +Henry Tudor is known to history as Henry VII., and caused some adverse +criticism by delaying his nuptials with the Princess Elizabeth, daughter +of Edward IV. + +A pleasing practical joke at this time came near plunging the country +into a bloody war. A rumor having gone forth that the Earl of Warwick +had escaped from the Tower, a priest named Simon instructed a +good-looking young man-about-town named Lambert Simnel to play the +part, landed him in Ireland, and proceeded to call for troops. Strange +to say, in those days almost any pretender with courage stood a good +chance of winning renown or a hospitable grave in this way. But Lambert +was not made of the material generally used in the construction of great +men, and, though he secured quite an army, and the aid of the Earl of +Lincoln and many veteran troops, the first battle closed the comedy, and +the bogus sovereign, too contemptible even to occupy the valuable time +of the hangman, became a scullion in the royal kitchen, while Simon was +imprisoned. + +[Illustration: SIMON, A PRIEST OF OXFORD, TAKES LAMBERT THE PRETENDER TO +IRELAND.] + +For five years things were again dull, but at the end of that period an +understudy for Richard, Duke of York, arose and made pretensions. His +name was Perkin Warbeck, and though the son of a Flemish merchant, he +was a great favorite at social functions and straw rides. He went to +Ireland, where anything in the way of a riot was even then hailed with +delight, and soon the York family and others who cursed the reigning +dynasty flocked to his standard. + +France endorsed him temporarily until Charles became reconciled to +Henry, and then he dropped Perkin like a heated potato. Perk, however, +had been well entertained in Paris as the coming English king, and while +there was not permitted to pay for a thing. He now visited the Duchess +of Burgundy, sister of Edward IV., and made a hit at once. She gave him +the title of The White Rose of England (1493), and he was pleased to +find himself so popular when he might have been measuring molasses in +the obscurity of his father's store. + +Henry now felt quite mortified that he could not produce the evidence of +the murder of the two sons of Edward IV., so as to settle this gay +young pretender; but he did not succeed in finding the remains, though +they were afterwards discovered under the staircase of the White Tower, +and buried in Westminster Abbey, where the floor is now paved with +epitaphs, and where economy and grief are better combined, perhaps, than +elsewhere in the world, the floor and tombstone being happily united, +thus, as it were, killing two birds with one stone. + +But how sad it is to-day to contemplate the situation occupied by Henry, +forced thus to rummage the kingdom for the dust of two murdered princes, +that he might, by unearthing a most wicked crime, prevent the success of +a young pretender, and yet fearing to do so lest he might call the +attention of the police to the royal record of homicide, regicide, +fratricide, and germicide! + +Most cruel of all this sad history, perhaps, was the execution of +Stanley, the king's best friend in the past, who had saved his life in +battle and crowned him at Bosworth. In an unguarded moment he had said +that were he sure the young man was as he claimed, King Edward's son, +he--Stanley--would not fight against him. For this purely unpartisan +remark he yielded up his noble life in 1495. + +Warbeck for some time went about trying to organize cheap insurrections, +with poor success until he reached Scotland, where James IV. endorsed +him, and told him to have his luggage sent up to the castle. James also +presented his sister Catherine as a spouse to the giddy young scion of +the Flemish calico counter. James also assisted Perkin, his new +brother-in-law, in an invasion of England, which failed, after which the +pretender gave himself up. He was hanged amid great applause at Tyburn, +and the Earl of Warwick, with whom he had planned to escape, was +beheaded at Tower Hill. Thus, in 1499, perished the last of the +Plantagenets of the male kind. + +Henry hated war, not because of its cruelty and horrors, but because it +was expensive. He was one of the most parsimonious of kings, and often +averted war in order to prevent the wear and tear on the cannon. He +managed to acquire two million pounds sterling from the reluctant +tax-payer, yet no monarch ever received such a universal consent when he +desired to pass away. If any regret was felt anywhere, it was so deftly +concealed that his death, to all appearance, gave general and complete +satisfaction. + +[Illustration: A RELUCTANT TAX-PAYER.] + +After a reign of twenty-four years he was succeeded by his second son, +Henry, in 1509, the elder son, Arthur, having died previously. + +It was during the reign of Henry VII. that John and Sebastian Cabot were +fitted out and discovered North America in 1497, which paved the way +for the subsequent depopulation of Africa, Italy, and Ireland. South +America had been discovered the year before by Columbus. Henry VII. was +also the father of the English navy. + +The accession of Henry VIII. was now hailed with great rejoicing. He was +but eighteen years of age, but handsome and smart. He soon married +Catherine of Aragon, the widow of his brother Arthur. She was six years +his senior, and he had been betrothed to her under duress at his +eleventh year. + +A very fine snap-shot reproduction of Henry VIII. and Catherine in +holiday attire, from an old daguerreotype in the author's possession, +will be found upon the following page. + +[Illustration: HENRY VIII. AND CATHERINE.] + +Henry VIII. ordered his father's old lawyers, Empson and Dudley, tried +and executed for being too diligent in business. He sent an army to +recover the lost English possessions in France, but in this was +unsuccessful. He then determined to organize a larger force, and so he +sent to Calais fifty thousand men, where they were joined by Maximilian. +In the battle which soon followed with the French cavalry, they lost +their habitual _sang-froid_ and most of their hand-baggage in a wild and +impetuous flight. It is still called the Battle of the Spurs. This was +in 1513. + +In the report of the engagement sent to the king, nothing was said of +the German emperor for the reason, as was said by the commander, "that +he does not desire notice, and, in fact, Maximilian objections to the +use of his name." This remark still furnishes food for thought on rainy +days at Balmoral, and makes the leaden hours go gayly by. + +During the year 1513 the Scots invaded England under James, but though +their numbers were superior, they were sadly defeated at Flodden Field, +and when the battle was over their king and the flower of their nobility +lay dead upon the scene. + +[Illustration: WOLSEY OUTSHINES THE KING.] + +Wolsey, who was made cardinal in 1515 by the Pope, held a tremendous +influence over the young king, and indirectly ruled the country. He +ostensibly presented a humble demeanor, but in his innermost soul he was +the haughtiest human being that ever concealed beneath the cloak of +humility an inflexible, tough, and durable heart. + +On the death of Maximilian, Henry had some notion of preempting the +vacant throne, but soon discovered that Charles V. of Spain had a prior +lien to the same, and thus, in 1520, this new potentate became the +greatest power in the civilized world. It is hard to believe in the +nineteenth or twentieth century that Spain ever had any influence with +anybody of sound mind, but such the veracious historian tells us was +once the case. + +Francis, the French king, was so grieved and mortified over the success +of his Spanish rival that he turned to Henry for comfort, and at +Calais the two disgruntled monarchs spent a fortnight jousting, +tourneying, in-falling, out-falling, merry-making, swashbuckling, and +general acute gastritis. + +[Illustration: THE FIELD OF THE CLOTH OF GOLD.] + +It was a magnificent meeting, however, Wolsey acting as costumer, and +was called "The Field of the Cloth of Gold." Large, portly men with +whiskers wore purple velvet opera-cloaks trimmed with fur, and +Gainsborough hats with ostrich feathers worth four pounds apiece +(sterling). These corpulent warriors, who at Calais shortly before had +run till overtaken by nervous prostration and general debility, now wore +more millinery and breastpins and slashed velvet and satin facings and +tinsel than the most successful and highly painted and decorated +courtesans of that period. + +The treaty here made with so much pyrotechnical display and _eclat_ and +hand-embroidery was soon broken, Charles having caught the ear of Wolsey +with a promise of the papal throne upon the death of Leo X., which event +he joyfully anticipated. + +Henry, in 1521, scored a triumph and earned the title of Defender of the +Faith by writing a defence of Catholicism in answer to an article +written by Martin Luther attacking it. Leo died soon after, and, much to +the chagrin of Wolsey, was succeeded by Adrian VI. + +[Illustration: HENRY WRITES A TREATISE IN DEFENCE OF THE CATHOLIC +CHURCH.] + +War was now waged with France by the new alliance of Spain and +England; but success waited not upon the English arms, while, worse than +all, the king was greatly embarrassed for want of more scudii. Nothing +can be more pitiful, perhaps, than a shabby king waiting till all his +retainers have gone away before he dare leave the throne, fearing that +his threadbare retreat may not be protected. Henry tried to wring +something from Parliament, but without success, even aided by that +practical apostle of external piety and internal intrigue, Wolsey. The +latter, too, had a second bitter disappointment in the election of +Clement VII. to succeed Adrian, and as this was easily traced to the +chicanery of the emperor, who had twice promised the portfolio of +pontiff to Wolsey, the latter determined to work up another union +between Henry and France in 1523. + +War, however, continued for some time with Francis, till, in 1525, he +was defeated and taken prisoner. This gave Henry a chance to figure with +the queen regent, the mother of Francis, and a pleasant treaty was made +in 1526. The Pope, too, having been captured by the emperor, Henry and +Francis agreed to release and restore him or perish on the spot. Quite a +well-written and beguiling account of this alliance, together with the +Anne Boleyn affair, will be found in the succeeding chapter. + +[Illustration: CHARLES II. CONCEALED IN THE "ROYAL OAK," WHILE HIS +PURSUERS PASSED UNDER HIM (1651).] + +[Illustration: OLIVER CROMWELL IN DISSOLVING PARLIAMENT SEIZED THE MACE, +EXCLAIMING, "TAKE AWAY THIS BAUBLE!" (1653).] + +[Illustration: A BOOK ENTITLED "KILLING NO MURDER", BOLDLY ADVISING THE +REMOVAL OF THE USURPER, CAUSED CROMWELL CEASELESS ANXIETY (1658).] + +[Illustration: HENRY VIII. PLUNDERING THE CHURCHES AND MONASTERIES OF +THEIR POSSESSIONS.] + +[Illustration: AFTER THE DEATH OF JANE SEYMOUR, HENRY VIII. TURNED HIS +ATTENTION TO THE SELECTION OF A NEW QUEEN, DECIDING ON ANNE OF CLEVES, A +PROTESTANT PRINCESS WITH WHOSE PORTRAIT HE HAD BEEN HIGHLY PLEASED. THE +ORIGINAL SO GREATLY DISAPPOINTED HIM THAT HE SOON DIVORCED HER.] + +[Illustration: EDWARD VI., SUCCESSOR TO HENRY VIII., AETAT. TEN YEARS, +WHOSE ATTENTION TO HIS STUDIES AND THE GENTLENESS OF HIS DISPOSITION +MADE HIM MUCH BELOVED (1547-53).] + +[Illustration: THE GREAT INFLUX OF GOLD AND SILVER FROM THE NEW WORLD +CAUSED AN INCREASE IN THE PRICE OF COMMODITIES (1549).] + +[Illustration: THE CHERISHED OBJECT OF MARY WAS TO RESTORE THE CATHOLIC +RELIGION, AND HER CHIEF COUNSELLORS WERE BISHOPS GARDINER AND BONNER +(1554).] + +[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH (1558-1603).] + +[Illustration: SIR WALTER RALEIGH.] + +[Illustration: QUEEN ELIZABETH SIGNING THE DEATH-WARRANT OF MARY QUEEN +OF SCOTS, 1587.] + +[Illustration: DEATH OF QUEEN ELIZABETH, MARCH 24, 1603. FOR TEN DAYS +PREVIOUS TO HER DEATH SHE LAY UPON THE FLOOR SUPPORTED BY CUSHIONS.] + +[Illustration: DISCOVERY OF THE GUNPOWDER PLOT (1605).] + +[Illustration: EFFIGY OF GUY FAWKES.] + +[Illustration: THE SCOTCH COULD NOT ENDURE ARCHBISHOP LAUD'S RITUALISTIC +PRACTICES, AND JENNY GEDDES THREW A STOOL AT HIS HEAD.] + +[Illustration: SIR WALTER RALEIGH, AT HIS EXECUTION, ASKED TO EXAMINE +THE AXE. HE POISED IT, AND RUNNING HIS THUMB ALONG THE EDGE, SAID, WITH +A SMILE, "THIS IS SHARP MEDICINE," ETC. (1618).] + +[Illustration: PRINCE CHARLES AND BUCKINGHAM TRAVEL TO SPAIN IN +DISGUISE, SO THAT THE FORMER MIGHT PAY HIS ADDRESSES IN PERSON TO THE +INFANTA.] + +[Illustration: CHARLES I. FORCED TO GIVE HIS ASSENT TO THE "PETITION OF +EIGHTS" (1628).] + +[Illustration: OLIVER CROMWELL.] + +[Illustration: EARL OF STRAFFORD RECEIVING LAUD'S BLESSING ON THE WAY +TO EXECUTION (1641).] + +[Illustration: SAMPLE PAGE OF ROUNDHEADS (1642).] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Comic History of England, by Bill Nye + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC HISTORY OF ENGLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 11138.txt or 11138.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/1/3/11138/ + +Produced by Ted Garvin, Linda Cantoni and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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