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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10569 ***
+
+SHIP'S COMPANY
+
+By W.W. Jacobs
+
+
+
+[Illustration: 'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe'.]
+
+
+SKILLED ASSISTANCE
+
+
+The night-watchman, who had left his seat on the jetty to answer the
+gate-bell, came back with disgust written on a countenance only too well
+designed to express it.
+
+"If she's been up 'ere once in the last week to, know whether the
+<i>Silvia</i> is up she's been four or five times," he growled.  "He's forty-
+seven if he's a day; 'is left leg is shorter than 'is right, and he talks
+with a stutter.  When she's with 'im you'd think as butter wouldn't melt
+in 'er mouth; but the way she talked to me just now you'd think I was
+paid a-purpose to wait on her.  I asked 'er at last wot she thought I was
+here for, and she said she didn't know, and nobody else neither.  And
+afore she went off she told the potman from the 'Albion,' wot was
+listening, that I was known all over Wapping as the Sleeping Beauty.
+
+"She ain't the fust I've 'ad words with, not by a lot.  They're all the
+same; they all start in a nice, kind, soapy sort o' way, and, as soon as
+they don't get wot they want, fly into a temper and ask me who, I think I
+am.  I told one woman once not to be silly, and I shall never forget it
+as long as I live-never.  For all I know, she's wearing a bit o' my 'air
+in a locket to this day, and very likely boasting that I gave it to her.
+
+"Talking of her reminds me of another woman.  There was a Cap'n Pinner,
+used to trade between 'ere and Hull on a schooner named the Snipe.  Nice
+little craft she was, and 'e was a very nice feller.  Many and many's the
+pint we've 'ad together, turn and turn-about, and the on'y time we ever
+'ad a cross word was when somebody hid his clay pipe in my beer and 'e
+was foolish enough to think I'd done it.
+
+"He 'ad a nice little cottage, 'e told me about, near Hull, and 'is
+wife's father, a man of pretty near seventy, lived with 'em.  Well-off
+the old man was, and, as she was his only daughter, they looked to 'ave
+all his money when he'd gorn.  Their only fear was that 'e might marry
+agin, and, judging from wot 'e used to tell me about the old man, I
+thought it more than likely.
+
+"'If it wasn't for my missis he'd ha' been married over and over agin,'
+he ses one day.  'He's like a child playing with gunpowder.'
+
+"''Ow would it be to let 'im burn hisself a bit?' I ses.
+
+"'If you was to see some o' the gunpowder he wants to play with, you
+wouldn't talk like that,' ses the cap'n.  'You'd know better.  The on'y
+thing is to keep 'em apart, and my pore missis is wore to a shadder a-
+doing of it.'
+
+"It was just about a month arter that that he brought the old man up to
+London with 'im.  They 'ad some stuff to put out at Smith's Wharf,
+t'other side of the river, afore they came to us, and though they was
+on'y there four or five days, it was long enough for that old man to get
+into trouble.
+
+"The skipper told me about it ten minutes arter they was made snug in the
+inner berth 'ere.  He walked up and down like a man with a raging
+toothache, and arter follering 'im up and down the wharf till I was tired
+out, I discovered that 'is father-in-law 'ad got 'imself mixed up with a
+widder-woman ninety years old and weighing twenty stun.  Arter he 'ad
+cooled down a bit, and I 'ad given 'im a few little pats on the shoulder,
+'e made it forty-eight years old and fourteen stun.
+
+"'He's getting ready to go and meet her now,' he ses, 'and wot my
+missis'll say to me, I don't know.'
+
+"His father-in-law came up on deck as 'e spoke, and began to brush
+'imself all over with a clothesbrush.  Nice-looking little man 'e was,
+with blue eyes, and a little white beard, cut to a point, and dressed up
+in a serge suit with brass buttons, and a white yachting cap.  His real
+name was Mr. Finch, but the skipper called 'im Uncle Dick, and he took
+such a fancy to me that in five minutes I was calling 'im Uncle Dick too.
+
+"'Time I was moving,' he ses, by and by.  'I've got an app'intment.'
+
+"'Oh! who with?' ses the skipper, pretending not to know.
+
+"'Friend o' mine, in the army,' ses the old man, with a wink at me.  'So
+long.'
+
+"He went off as spry as a boy, and as soon as he'd gorn the skipper
+started walking back'ards and for'ards agin, and raving.
+
+"'Let's 'ope as he's on'y amusing 'imself,' I ses.
+
+"'Wait till you see 'er,' ses the skipper; 'then you won't talk
+foolishness.'
+
+"As it 'appened she came back with Uncle Dick that evening, to see 'im
+safe, and I see at once wot sort of a woman it was.  She 'adn't been on
+the wharf five minutes afore you'd ha' thought it belonged to 'er, and
+when she went and sat on the schooner it seemed to be about 'arf its
+size.  She called the skipper Tom, and sat there as cool as you please
+holding Uncle Dick's 'and, and patting it.
+
+"I took the skipper round to the 'Bull's Head' arter she 'ad gorn, and I
+wouldn't let 'im say a word until he had 'ad two pints.  He felt better
+then, and some o' the words 'e used surprised me.
+
+"'Wot's to be done?' he ses at last.  'You see 'ow it is, Bill.'
+
+"'Can't you get 'im away?' I ses.  'Who is she, and wot's 'er name?'
+
+"'Her name,' ses the skipper, 'her name is Jane Maria Elizabeth Muffit,
+and she lives over at Rotherhithe.'
+
+"'She's very likely married already,' I ses.
+
+"'Her 'usband died ten years ago,' ses the skipper; 'passed away in 'is
+sleep.  Overlaid, I should say.'
+
+"He sat there smoking, and I sat there thinking.  Twice 'e spoke to me,
+and I held my 'and up and said 'H'sh.' Then I turned to 'im all of a
+sudden and pinched his arm so hard he nearly dropped 'is beer.
+
+"'Is Uncle Dick a nervous man?' I ses.
+
+"'Nervous is no name for it,' he ses, staring.
+
+"'Very good, then,' I ses.  'I'll send 'er husband to frighten 'im.'
+
+"The skipper looked at me very strange.  'Yes,' he ses.  'Yes.  Yes.'
+
+"'Frighten 'im out of 'is boots, and make him give 'er up,' I ses.  'Or
+better still, get 'im to run away and go into hiding for a time.  That
+'ud be best, in case 'e found out.'
+
+"'Found out wot?' ses the skipper.
+
+"'Found out it wasn't 'er husband,' I ses.
+
+"'Bill,' ses the skipper, very earnest, 'this is the fust beer I've 'ad
+to-day, and I wish I could say the same for you.'
+
+"I didn't take 'im at fast, but when I did I gave a laugh that brought in
+two more customers to see wot was the matter.  Then I took 'im by the
+arm--arter a little trouble--and, taking 'im back to the wharf, explained
+my meaning to 'im.
+
+"'I know the very man,' I ses.  'He comes into a public-'ouse down my way
+sometimes.  Artful 'Arry, he's called, and, for 'arf-a-quid, say, he'd
+frighten Uncle Dick 'arf to death.  He's big and ugly, and picks up a
+living by selling meerschaum pipes he's found to small men wot don't want
+'em.  Wonderful gift o' the gab he's got.'
+
+"We went acrost to the 'Albion' to talk it over.  There's several bars
+there, and the landlady always keeps cotton-wool in 'er ears, not 'aving
+been brought up to the public line.  The skipper told me all 'e knew
+about Mrs. Muffit, and we arranged that Artful 'Arry should come down at
+seven o'clock next night, if so be as I could find 'im in time.
+
+"I got up early the next arternoon, and as it 'appened, he came into the
+'Duke of Edinburgh' five minutes arter I got there.  Nasty temper 'e was
+in, too.  He'd just found a meerschaum pipe, as usual, and the very fust
+man 'e tried to sell it to said that it was the one 'e lost last
+Christmas, and gave 'im a punch in the jaw for it.
+
+"'He's a thief, that's wot he is,' ses 'Arry; 'and I 'ate thiefs.  'Ow's
+a honest tradesman to make a living when there's people like that about?'
+
+"I stood 'im 'arf a pint, and though it hurt 'im awful to drink it, he
+said 'ed 'ave another just to see if he could bear the pain.  Arter he
+had 'ad three 'e began for to take a more cheerful view o' life, and told
+me about a chap that spent three weeks in the London 'Orsepittle for
+calling 'im a liar.
+
+"'Treat me fair,' he ses, 'and I'll treat other people fair.  I never
+broke my word without a good reason for it, and that's more than
+everybody can say.  If I told you the praise I've 'ad from some people
+you wouldn't believe it.'
+
+"I let 'im go on till he 'ad talked 'imself into a good temper, and then I
+told 'im of the little job I 'ad got for 'im.  He listened quiet till I
+'ad finished, and then he shook 'is 'ead.
+
+"'It ain't in my line,' he ses.
+
+"'There's 'arf a quid 'anging to it,' I ses.
+
+"'Arry shook his 'ead agin.  'Tain't enough, mate,' he ses.  'If you was
+to make it a quid I won't say as I mightn't think of it.'
+
+"I 'ad told the skipper that it might cost 'im a quid, so I knew 'ow far
+I could go; and at last, arter 'Arry 'ad got as far as the door three
+times, I gave way.
+
+"'And I'll 'ave it now,' he ses, 'to prevent mistakes.'
+
+"'No, 'Arry,' I ses, very firm.  'Besides, it ain't my money, you see.'
+
+"'You mean to say you don't trust me,' 'e ses, firing up.
+
+"'I'd trust you with untold gold,' I ses, 'but not with a real quid;
+you're too fond of a joke, 'Arry.'
+
+"We 'ad another long argyment about it, and I had to tell 'im plain at
+last that when I wanted to smell 'is fist, I'd say so.
+
+"'You turn up at the wharf at five minutes to seven,' I ses, 'and I'll
+give you ten bob of it; arter you've done your business I'll give you the
+other.  Come along quiet, and you'll see me waiting at the gate for you.'
+
+"He gave way arter a time, and, fust going 'ome for a cup o' tea, I went
+on to the wharf to tell the skipper 'ow things stood.
+
+"'It couldn't 'ave 'appened better,' he ses.  'Uncle Dick is sure to be
+aboard at that time, 'cos 'e's going acrost the water at eight o'clock to
+pay 'er a visit.  And all the hands'll be away.  I've made sure of that.'
+
+"He gave me the money for Artful 'Arry in two 'arf-suverins, and then we
+went over to the 'Albion' for a quiet glass and a pipe, and to wait for
+seven o'clock.
+
+"I left 'im there at ten minutes to, and at five minutes to, punctual to
+the minute, I see 'Arry coming along swinging a thick stick with a knob
+on the end of it.
+
+"'Where's the 'arf thick-un?' he ses, looking round to see that the coast
+was clear.
+
+"I gave it to 'im, and arter biting it in three places and saying it was
+a bit short in weight he dropped it in 'is weskit-pocket and said 'e was
+ready.
+
+"I left 'im there for a minute while I went and 'ad a look round.  The
+deck of the Snipe was empty, but I could 'ear Uncle Dick down in the
+cabin singing; and, arter listening for a few seconds to make sure that
+it was singing, I went back and beckoned to 'Arry.
+
+"'He's down in the cabin,' I ses, pointing.  'Don't overdo it, 'Arry, and
+at the same time don't underdo it, as you might say.'
+
+"'I know just wot you want,' ses 'Arry, 'and if you'd got the 'art of a
+man in you, you'd make it two quids.'
+
+"He climbed on board and stood listening for a moment at the companion,
+and then 'e went down, while I went off outside the gate, so as to be out
+of earshot in case Uncle Dick called for me.  I knew that I should 'ear
+all about wot went on arterwards--and I did.
+
+"Artful 'Arry went down the companion-ladder very quiet, and then stood
+at the foot of it looking at Uncle Dick.  He looked 'im up and down and
+all over, and then 'e gave a fierce, loud cough.
+
+"'Good-evening,' he ses.
+
+"'Good-evening,' ses Uncle Dick, staring at 'im.  'Did you want to see
+anybody?'
+
+"'I did,' ses 'Arry.  'I do.  And when I see 'im I'm going to put my arms
+round 'im and twist 'is neck; then I'm going to break every bone in 'is
+body, and arter that I'm going to shy 'im overboard to pison the fishes
+with.'
+
+"'Dear me!' ses Uncle Dick, shifting away as far as 'e could.
+
+"'I ain't 'ad a wink o' sleep for two nights,' ses 'Arry--'not ever since
+I 'eard of it.  When I think of all I've done for that woman-working for
+'er, and such-like-my blood boils.  When I think of her passing 'erself
+off as a widder--my widder--and going out with another man, I don't know
+wot to do with myself.'
+
+"Uncle Dick started and turned pale.  Fust 'e seemed as if 'e was going
+to speak, and then 'e thought better of it.  He sat staring at 'Arry as
+if 'e couldn't believe his eyes.
+
+"'Wot would you do with a man like that?' ses 'Arry.  'I ask you, as man
+to man, wot would you do to 'im?'
+
+"'P'r'aps-p'r'aps 'e didn't know,' ses Uncle Dick, stammering.
+
+"'Didn't know!' ses 'Arry.  'Don't care, you mean.  We've got a nice
+little 'ome, and, just because I've 'ad to leave it and lay low for a bit
+for knifing a man, she takes advantage of it.  And it ain't the fust
+time, neither.  Wot's the matter?'
+
+"'Touch-touch of ague; I get it sometimes,' ses Uncle Dick.
+
+"'I want to see this man Finch,' ses 'Arry, shaking 'is knobby stick.
+'Muffit, my name is, and I want to tell 'im so.'
+
+"Uncle Dick nearly shook 'imself on to the floor.
+
+"'I--I'll go and see if 'e's in the fo'c'sle,' he ses at last.
+
+"'He ain't there, 'cos I've looked,' ses 'Arry, 'arf shutting 'is eyes and
+looking at 'im hard.  'Wot might your name be?'
+
+"'My name's Finch,' ses Uncle Dick, putting out his 'ands to keep him
+off; 'but I thought she was a widder.  She told me her 'usband died ten
+years ago; she's deceived me as well as you.  I wouldn't ha' dreamt of
+taking any notice of 'er if I'd known.  Truth, I wouldn't.  I should'nt
+ha' dreamt of such a thing.'
+
+"Artful 'Arry played with 'is stick a little, and stood looking at 'im
+with a horrible look on 'is face.
+
+"''Ow am I to know you're speaking the truth?' he ses, very slow.  'Eh?
+'Ow can you prove it?'
+
+"'If it was the last word I was to speak I'd say the same,' ses Uncle
+Dick.  'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe.'
+
+"'If that's true,' ses 'Arry, 'she's deceived both of us.  Now, if I let
+you go will you go straight off and bring her 'ere to me?'
+
+"'I will,' ses Uncle Dick, jumping up.
+
+"''Arf a mo,' ses 'Arry, holding up 'is stick very quick.  'One thing is,
+if you don't come back, I'll 'ave you another day.  I can't make up my
+mind wot to do.  I can't think--I ain't tasted food for two days.  If I
+'ad any money in my pocket I'd 'ave a bite while you're gone.'
+
+"'Why not get something?' ses Uncle Dick, putting his 'and in his pocket,
+in a great 'urry to please him, and pulling out some silver.
+
+"'Arry said 'e would, and then he stood on one side to let 'im pass, and
+even put the knobby stick under 'im to help 'im up the companion-ladder.
+
+"Uncle Dick passed me two minutes arterwards without a word, and set off
+down the road as fast as 'is little legs 'ud carry 'im.  I watched 'im
+out o' sight, and then I went on board the schooner to see how 'Arry 'ad
+got on.
+
+"Arry,' I ses, when he 'ad finished, 'you're a masterpiece!'
+
+"'I know I am,' he ses.  'Wot about that other 'arf-quid?'
+
+"'Here it is,' I ses, giving it to 'im.  'Fair masterpiece, that's wot
+you are.  They may well call you Artful.  Shake 'ands.'
+
+"I patted 'im on the shoulder arter we 'ad shook 'ands, and we stood
+there smiling at each other and paying each other compliments.
+
+"'Fancy 'em sitting 'ere and waiting for you to come back from that
+bite,' I ses.
+
+"'I ought to 'ave 'ad more off of him,' ses 'Arry.  ''Owever, it can't be
+helped.  I think I'll 'ave a lay down for a bit; I'm tired.'
+
+"'Better be off,' I ses, shaking my 'ead.  'Time passes, and they might
+come back afore you think.'
+
+"'Well, wot of it?' ses 'Arry.
+
+"'Wot of it?' I ses.  'Why, it'ud spoil everything.  It 'ud be blue
+ruin.'
+
+"'Are you sure?' ses 'Arry'.
+
+"'Sartin,' I ses.
+
+"'Well, make it five quid, and I'll go, then,' he ses, sitting down agin.
+
+"I couldn't believe my ears at fust, but when I could I drew myself up
+and told 'im wot I thought of 'im; and he sat there and laughed at me.
+
+"'Why, you called me a masterpiece just now,' he ses.  'I shouldn't be
+much of a masterpiece if I let a chance like this slip.  Why, I shouldn't
+be able to look myself in the face.  Where's the skipper?'
+
+"'Sitting in the "Albion",' I ses, 'arf choking.
+
+"'Go and tell 'im it's five quid,' ses 'Arry.  'I don't mean five more,
+on'y four.  Some people would ha' made it five, but I like to deal square
+and honest.'
+
+"I run over for the skipper in a state of mind that don't bear thinking
+of, and he came back with me, 'arf crazy.  When we got to the cabin we
+found the door was locked, and, arter the skipper 'ad told Artful wot
+he'd do to 'im if he didn't open it, he 'ad to go on deck and talk to 'im
+through the skylight.
+
+"'If you ain't off of my ship in two twos,' he ses, 'I'll fetch a
+policeman.'
+
+"'You go and fetch four pounds,' ses 'Arry; 'that's wot I'm waiting for,
+not a policeman.  Didn't the watchman tell you?'
+
+"'The bargain was for one pound,' ses the skipper, 'ardly able to speak.
+
+"'Well, you tell that to the policeman,' ses Artful 'Arry.
+
+"It was no use, he'd got us every way; and at last the skipper turns out
+'is pockets, and he ses, 'Look 'ere,' he ses, 'I've got seventeen and
+tenpence ha' penny.  Will you go if I give you that?'
+
+"''Ow much has the watchman got?' ses 'Arry.  'His lodger lost 'is purse
+the other day.'
+
+"I'd got two and ninepence, as it 'appened, and then there was more
+trouble because the skipper wouldn't give 'im the money till he 'ad gone,
+and 'e wouldn't go till he 'ad got it.  The skipper gave way at last, and
+as soon as he 'ad got it 'Arry ses, 'Now 'op off and borrer the rest, and
+look slippy about it.'
+
+"I put one hand over the skipper's mouth fust, and then, finding that was
+no good, I put the other.  It was no good wasting bad langwidge on 'Arry.
+
+"I pacified the skipper at last, and arter 'Arry 'ad swore true 'e'd go
+when 'e'd got the money, the skipper rushed round to try and raise it.
+It's a difficult job at the best o' times, and I sat there on the
+skylight shivering and wondering whether the skipper or Mrs. Muffit would
+turn up fust.
+
+"Hours seemed to pass away, and then I see the wicket in the gate open,
+and the skipper come through.  He jumped on deck without a word, and
+then, going over to the skylight, 'anded down the money to 'Arry.
+
+"'Right-o,' ses 'Arry.  'It on'y shows you wot you can do by trying.'
+
+"He unlocked the door and came up on deck, looking at us very careful,
+and playing with 'is stick.
+
+"'You've got your money,' ses the skipper; 'now go as quick as you can.'
+
+"'Arry smiled and nodded at him.  Then he stepped on to the wharf and was
+just moving to the gate, with us follering, when the wicket opened and in
+came Mrs. Muffit and Uncle Dick.
+
+"'There he is,' ses Uncle Dick.  'That's the man!'
+
+"Mrs. Muffit walked up to 'im, and my 'art a'most stopped beating.  Her
+face was the colour of beetroot with temper, and you could 'ave heard her
+breath fifty yards away.
+
+"'Ho!' she says, planting 'erself in front of Artful 'Arry, 'so you're
+the man that ses you're my 'usband, are you?'
+
+"'That's all right,' ses 'Arry, 'it's all a mistake.'
+
+"'MISTAKE?' ses Mrs. Muffit.
+
+"'Mistake o' Bill's,' ses 'Arry, pointing to me.  'I told 'im I thought
+'e was wrong, but 'e would 'ave it.  I've got a bad memory, so I left it
+to 'im.'
+
+"'Ho!' ses Mrs. Muffit, taking a deep breath.  'Ho!  I thought as much.
+Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself--eh?'
+
+"She turned on me like a wild cat, with her 'ands in front of her.  I've
+been scratched once in my life, and I wasn't going to be agin, so, fixing
+my eyes on 'er, I just stepped back a bit, ready for 'er.  So long as I
+kept my eye fixed on 'ers she couldn't do anything.  I knew that.
+Unfortunately I stepped back just a inch too far, and next moment I went
+over back'ards in twelve foot of water.
+
+"Arter all, p'r'aps it was the best thing that could have 'appened to me;
+it stopped her talking.  It ain't the fust time I've 'ad a wet jacket;
+but as for the skipper, and pore Uncle Dick--wot married her--they've
+been in hot water ever since."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10569 ***
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
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+<title>Ship's Company, Book 9</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Skilled Assistance
+       Ship's Company, Part 9.
+
+Author: W.W. Jacobs
+
+Release Date: January 1, 2004 [EBook #10569]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKILLED ASSISTANCE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
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+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="title.jpg (44K)" src="title.jpg" height="736" width="486">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="frontis.jpg (100K)" src="frontis.jpg" height="743" width="494">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<center>
+<h2>BOOK 9</h2>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center>
+<h2>BOOK 9</h2>
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<center>
+<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+<h4>FROM DRAWINGS BY WILL OWEN</h4></center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+
+<p><a href="#023">"I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe"</a><br>
+<a href="#024">"And next moment I went over back'ards in twelve foot of water"</a></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+
+<a name="c9"></a>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<h1>
+SKILLED ASSISTANCE
+</h1>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+
+<p>The night-watchman, who had left his seat on the jetty to answer the
+gate-bell, came back with disgust written on a countenance only too well
+designed to express it.</p>
+
+<p>"If she's been up 'ere once in the last week to, know whether the
+<i>Silvia</i> is up she's been four or five times," he growled.  "He's forty-
+seven if he's a day; 'is left leg is shorter than 'is right, and he talks
+with a stutter.  When she's with 'im you'd think as butter wouldn't melt
+in 'er mouth; but the way she talked to me just now you'd think I was
+paid a-purpose to wait on her.  I asked 'er at last wot she thought I was
+here for, and she said she didn't know, and nobody else neither.  And
+afore she went off she told the potman from the 'Albion,' wot was
+listening, that I was known all over Wapping as the Sleeping Beauty.</p>
+
+<p>"She ain't the fust I've 'ad words with, not by a lot.  They're all the
+same; they all start in a nice, kind, soapy sort o' way, and, as soon as
+they don't get wot they want, fly into a temper and ask me who, I think I
+am.  I told one woman once not to be silly, and I shall never forget it
+as long as I live-never.  For all I know, she's wearing a bit o' my 'air
+in a locket to this day, and very likely boasting that I gave it to her.</p>
+
+<p>"Talking of her reminds me of another woman.  There was a Cap'n Pinner,
+used to trade between 'ere and Hull on a schooner named the Snipe.  Nice
+little craft she was, and 'e was a very nice feller.  Many and many's the
+pint we've 'ad together, turn and turn-about, and the on'y time we ever
+'ad a cross word was when somebody hid his clay pipe in my beer and 'e
+was foolish enough to think I'd done it.</p>
+
+<p>"He 'ad a nice little cottage, 'e told me about, near Hull, and 'is
+wife's father, a man of pretty near seventy, lived with 'em.  Well-off
+the old man was, and, as she was his only daughter, they looked to 'ave
+all his money when he'd gorn.  Their only fear was that 'e might marry
+agin, and, judging from wot 'e used to tell me about the old man, I
+thought it more than likely.</p>
+
+<p>"'If it wasn't for my missis he'd ha' been married over and over agin,'
+he ses one day.  'He's like a child playing with gunpowder.'</p>
+
+<p>"''Ow would it be to let 'im burn hisself a bit?' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'If you was to see some o' the gunpowder he wants to play with, you
+wouldn't talk like that,' ses the cap'n.  'You'd know better.  The on'y
+thing is to keep 'em apart, and my pore missis is wore to a shadder a-
+doing of it.'</p>
+
+<p>"It was just about a month arter that that he brought the old man up to
+London with 'im.  They 'ad some stuff to put out at Smith's Wharf,
+t'other side of the river, afore they came to us, and though they was
+on'y there four or five days, it was long enough for that old man to get
+into trouble.</p>
+
+<p>"The skipper told me about it ten minutes arter they was made snug in the
+inner berth 'ere.  He walked up and down like a man with a raging
+toothache, and arter follering 'im up and down the wharf till I was tired
+out, I discovered that 'is father-in-law 'ad got 'imself mixed up with a
+widder-woman ninety years old and weighing twenty stun.  Arter he 'ad
+cooled down a bit, and I 'ad given 'im a few little pats on the shoulder,
+'e made it forty-eight years old and fourteen stun.</p>
+
+<p>"'He's getting ready to go and meet her now,' he ses, 'and wot my
+missis'll say to me, I don't know.'</p>
+
+<p>"His father-in-law came up on deck as 'e spoke, and began to brush
+'imself all over with a clothesbrush.  Nice-looking little man 'e was,
+with blue eyes, and a little white beard, cut to a point, and dressed up
+in a serge suit with brass buttons, and a white yachting cap.  His real
+name was Mr. Finch, but the skipper called 'im Uncle Dick, and he took
+such a fancy to me that in five minutes I was calling 'im Uncle Dick too.</p>
+
+<p>"'Time I was moving,' he ses, by and by.  'I've got an app'intment.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh! who with?' ses the skipper, pretending not to know.</p>
+
+<p>"'Friend o' mine, in the army,' ses the old man, with a wink at me.  'So
+long.'</p>
+
+<p>"He went off as spry as a boy, and as soon as he'd gorn the skipper
+started walking back'ards and for'ards agin, and raving.</p>
+
+<p>"'Let's 'ope as he's on'y amusing 'imself,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wait till you see 'er,' ses the skipper; 'then you won't talk
+foolishness.'</p>
+
+<p>"As it 'appened she came back with Uncle Dick that evening, to see 'im
+safe, and I see at once wot sort of a woman it was.  She 'adn't been on
+the wharf five minutes afore you'd ha' thought it belonged to 'er, and
+when she went and sat on the schooner it seemed to be about 'arf its
+size.  She called the skipper Tom, and sat there as cool as you please
+holding Uncle Dick's 'and, and patting it.</p>
+
+<p>"I took the skipper round to the 'Bull's Head' arter she 'ad gorn, and I
+wouldn't let 'im say a word until he had 'ad two pints.  He felt better
+then, and some o' the words 'e used surprised me.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wot's to be done?' he ses at last.  'You see 'ow it is, Bill.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Can't you get 'im away?' I ses.  'Who is she, and wot's 'er name?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Her name,' ses the skipper, 'her name is Jane Maria Elizabeth Muffit,
+and she lives over at Rotherhithe.'</p>
+
+<p>"'She's very likely married already,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Her 'usband died ten years ago,' ses the skipper; 'passed away in 'is
+sleep.  Overlaid, I should say.'</p>
+
+<p>"He sat there smoking, and I sat there thinking.  Twice 'e spoke to me,
+and I held my 'and up and said 'H'sh.' Then I turned to 'im all of a
+sudden and pinched his arm so hard he nearly dropped 'is beer.</p>
+
+<p>"'Is Uncle Dick a nervous man?' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Nervous is no name for it,' he ses, staring.</p>
+
+<p>"'Very good, then,' I ses.  'I'll send 'er husband to frighten 'im.'</p>
+
+<p>"The skipper looked at me very strange.  'Yes,' he ses.  'Yes.  Yes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Frighten 'im out of 'is boots, and make him give 'er up,' I ses.  'Or
+better still, get 'im to run away and go into hiding for a time.  That
+'ud be best, in case 'e found out.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Found out wot?' ses the skipper.</p>
+
+<p>"'Found out it wasn't 'er husband,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Bill,' ses the skipper, very earnest, 'this is the fust beer I've 'ad
+to-day, and I wish I could say the same for you.'</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't take 'im at fast, but when I did I gave a laugh that brought in
+two more customers to see wot was the matter.  Then I took 'im by the
+arm&mdash;arter a little trouble&mdash;and, taking 'im back to the wharf, explained
+my meaning to 'im.</p>
+
+<p>"'I know the very man,' I ses.  'He comes into a public-'ouse down my way
+sometimes.  Artful 'Arry, he's called, and, for 'arf-a-quid, say, he'd
+frighten Uncle Dick 'arf to death.  He's big and ugly, and picks up a
+living by selling meerschaum pipes he's found to small men wot don't want
+'em.  Wonderful gift o' the gab he's got.'</p>
+
+<p>"We went acrost to the 'Albion' to talk it over.  There's several bars
+there, and the landlady always keeps cotton-wool in 'er ears, not 'aving
+been brought up to the public line.  The skipper told me all 'e knew
+about Mrs. Muffit, and we arranged that Artful 'Arry should come down at
+seven o'clock next night, if so be as I could find 'im in time.</p>
+
+<p>"I got up early the next arternoon, and as it 'appened, he came into the
+'Duke of Edinburgh' five minutes arter I got there.  Nasty temper 'e was
+in, too.  He'd just found a meerschaum pipe, as usual, and the very fust
+man 'e tried to sell it to said that it was the one 'e lost last
+Christmas, and gave 'im a punch in the jaw for it.</p>
+
+<p>"'He's a thief, that's wot he is,' ses 'Arry; 'and I 'ate thiefs.  'Ow's
+a honest tradesman to make a living when there's people like that about?'</p>
+
+<p>"I stood 'im 'arf a pint, and though it hurt 'im awful to drink it, he
+said 'ed 'ave another just to see if he could bear the pain.  Arter he
+had 'ad three 'e began for to take a more cheerful view o' life, and told
+me about a chap that spent three weeks in the London 'Orsepittle for
+calling 'im a liar.</p>
+
+<p>"'Treat me fair,' he ses, 'and I'll treat other people fair.  I never
+broke my word without a good reason for it, and that's more than
+everybody can say.  If I told you the praise I've 'ad from some people
+you wouldn't believe it.'</p>
+
+<p>"I let 'im go on till he 'ad talked 'imself into a good temper, and then I
+told 'im of the little job I 'ad got for 'im.  He listened quiet till I
+'ad finished, and then he shook 'is 'ead.</p>
+
+<p>"'It ain't in my line,' he ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'There's 'arf a quid 'anging to it,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Arry shook his 'ead agin.  'Tain't enough, mate,' he ses.  'If you was
+to make it a quid I won't say as I mightn't think of it.'</p>
+
+<p>"I 'ad told the skipper that it might cost 'im a quid, so I knew 'ow far
+I could go; and at last, arter 'Arry 'ad got as far as the door three
+times, I gave way.</p>
+
+<p>"'And I'll 'ave it now,' he ses, 'to prevent mistakes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, 'Arry,' I ses, very firm.  'Besides, it ain't my money, you see.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You mean to say you don't trust me,' 'e ses, firing up.</p>
+
+<p>"'I'd trust you with untold gold,' I ses, 'but not with a real quid;
+you're too fond of a joke, 'Arry.'</p>
+
+<p>"We 'ad another long argyment about it, and I had to tell 'im plain at
+last that when I wanted to smell 'is fist, I'd say so.</p>
+
+<p>"'You turn up at the wharf at five minutes to seven,' I ses, 'and I'll
+give you ten bob of it; arter you've done your business I'll give you the
+other.  Come along quiet, and you'll see me waiting at the gate for you.'</p>
+
+<p>"He gave way arter a time, and, fust going 'ome for a cup o' tea, I went
+on to the wharf to tell the skipper 'ow things stood.</p>
+
+<p>"'It couldn't 'ave 'appened better,' he ses.  'Uncle Dick is sure to be
+aboard at that time, 'cos 'e's going acrost the water at eight o'clock to
+pay 'er a visit.  And all the hands'll be away.  I've made sure of that.'</p>
+
+<p>"He gave me the money for Artful 'Arry in two 'arf-suverins, and then we
+went over to the 'Albion' for a quiet glass and a pipe, and to wait for
+seven o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>"I left 'im there at ten minutes to, and at five minutes to, punctual to
+the minute, I see 'Arry coming along swinging a thick stick with a knob
+on the end of it.</p>
+
+<p>"'Where's the 'arf thick-un?' he ses, looking round to see that the coast
+was clear.</p>
+
+<p>"I gave it to 'im, and arter biting it in three places and saying it was
+a bit short in weight he dropped it in 'is weskit-pocket and said 'e was
+ready.</p>
+
+<p>"I left 'im there for a minute while I went and 'ad a look round.  The
+deck of the Snipe was empty, but I could 'ear Uncle Dick down in the
+cabin singing; and, arter listening for a few seconds to make sure that
+it was singing, I went back and beckoned to 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"'He's down in the cabin,' I ses, pointing.  'Don't overdo it, 'Arry, and
+at the same time don't underdo it, as you might say.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I know just wot you want,' ses 'Arry, 'and if you'd got the 'art of a
+man in you, you'd make it two quids.'</p>
+
+<p>"He climbed on board and stood listening for a moment at the companion,
+and then 'e went down, while I went off outside the gate, so as to be out
+of earshot in case Uncle Dick called for me.  I knew that I should 'ear
+all about wot went on arterwards&mdash;and I did.</p>
+
+<p>"Artful 'Arry went down the companion-ladder very quiet, and then stood
+at the foot of it looking at Uncle Dick.  He looked 'im up and down and
+all over, and then 'e gave a fierce, loud cough.</p>
+
+<p>"'Good-evening,' he ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Good-evening,' ses Uncle Dick, staring at 'im.  'Did you want to see
+anybody?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I did,' ses 'Arry.  'I do.  And when I see 'im I'm going to put my arms
+round 'im and twist 'is neck; then I'm going to break every bone in 'is
+body, and arter that I'm going to shy 'im overboard to pison the fishes
+with.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear me!' ses Uncle Dick, shifting away as far as 'e could.</p>
+
+<p>"'I ain't 'ad a wink o' sleep for two nights,' ses 'Arry&mdash;'not ever since
+I 'eard of it.  When I think of all I've done for that woman-working for
+'er, and such-like-my blood boils.  When I think of her passing 'erself
+off as a widder&mdash;my widder&mdash;and going out with another man, I don't know
+wot to do with myself.'</p>
+
+<p>"Uncle Dick started and turned pale.  Fust 'e seemed as if 'e was going
+to speak, and then 'e thought better of it.  He sat staring at 'Arry as
+if 'e couldn't believe his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wot would you do with a man like that?' ses 'Arry.  'I ask you, as man
+to man, wot would you do to 'im?'</p>
+
+<p>"'P'r'aps-p'r'aps 'e didn't know,' ses Uncle Dick, stammering.</p>
+
+<p>"'Didn't know!' ses 'Arry.  'Don't care, you mean.  We've got a nice
+little 'ome, and, just because I've 'ad to leave it and lay low for a bit
+for knifing a man, she takes advantage of it.  And it ain't the fust
+time, neither.  Wot's the matter?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Touch-touch of ague; I get it sometimes,' ses Uncle Dick.</p>
+
+<p>"'I want to see this man Finch,' ses 'Arry, shaking 'is knobby stick.
+'Muffit, my name is, and I want to tell 'im so.'</p>
+
+<p>"Uncle Dick nearly shook 'imself on to the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"'I&mdash;I'll go and see if 'e's in the fo'c'sle,' he ses at last.</p>
+
+<p>"'He ain't there, 'cos I've looked,' ses 'Arry, 'arf shutting 'is eyes and
+looking at 'im hard.  'Wot might your name be?'</p>
+
+<p>"'My name's Finch,' ses Uncle Dick, putting out his 'ands to keep him
+off; 'but I thought she was a widder.  She told me her 'usband died ten
+years ago; she's deceived me as well as you.  I wouldn't ha' dreamt of
+taking any notice of 'er if I'd known.  Truth, I wouldn't.  I should'nt
+ha' dreamt of such a thing.'</p>
+
+<p>"Artful 'Arry played with 'is stick a little, and stood looking at 'im
+with a horrible look on 'is face.</p>
+
+<p>"''Ow am I to know you're speaking the truth?' he ses, very slow.  'Eh?
+'Ow can you prove it?'</p>
+
+<p>"'If it was the last word I was to speak I'd say the same,' ses Uncle
+Dick.  'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe.'</p>
+
+<a name="023"></a>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="023.jpg (127K)" src="023.jpg" height="664" width="564">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<p>"'If that's true,' ses 'Arry, 'she's deceived both of us.  Now, if I let
+you go will you go straight off and bring her 'ere to me?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I will,' ses Uncle Dick, jumping up.</p>
+
+<p>"''Arf a mo,' ses 'Arry, holding up 'is stick very quick.  'One thing is,
+if you don't come back, I'll 'ave you another day.  I can't make up my
+mind wot to do.  I can't think&mdash;I ain't tasted food for two days.  If I
+'ad any money in my pocket I'd 'ave a bite while you're gone.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Why not get something?' ses Uncle Dick, putting his 'and in his pocket,
+in a great 'urry to please him, and pulling out some silver.</p>
+
+<p>"'Arry said 'e would, and then he stood on one side to let 'im pass, and
+even put the knobby stick under 'im to help 'im up the companion-ladder.</p>
+
+<p>"Uncle Dick passed me two minutes arterwards without a word, and set off
+down the road as fast as 'is little legs 'ud carry 'im.  I watched 'im
+out o' sight, and then I went on board the schooner to see how 'Arry 'ad
+got on.</p>
+
+<p>"Arry,' I ses, when he 'ad finished, 'you're a masterpiece!'</p>
+
+<p>"'I know I am,' he ses.  'Wot about that other 'arf-quid?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Here it is,' I ses, giving it to 'im.  'Fair masterpiece, that's wot
+you are.  They may well call you Artful.  Shake 'ands.'</p>
+
+<p>"I patted 'im on the shoulder arter we 'ad shook 'ands, and we stood
+there smiling at each other and paying each other compliments.</p>
+
+<p>"'Fancy 'em sitting 'ere and waiting for you to come back from that
+bite,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'I ought to 'ave 'ad more off of him,' ses 'Arry.  ''Owever, it can't be
+helped.  I think I'll 'ave a lay down for a bit; I'm tired.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Better be off,' I ses, shaking my 'ead.  'Time passes, and they might
+come back afore you think.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, wot of it?' ses 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wot of it?' I ses.  'Why, it'ud spoil everything.  It 'ud be blue
+ruin.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you sure?' ses 'Arry'.</p>
+
+<p>"'Sartin,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, make it five quid, and I'll go, then,' he ses, sitting down agin.</p>
+
+<p>"I couldn't believe my ears at fust, but when I could I drew myself up
+and told 'im wot I thought of 'im; and he sat there and laughed at me.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why, you called me a masterpiece just now,' he ses.  'I shouldn't be
+much of a masterpiece if I let a chance like this slip.  Why, I shouldn't
+be able to look myself in the face.  Where's the skipper?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Sitting in the "Albion",' I ses, 'arf choking.</p>
+
+<p>"'Go and tell 'im it's five quid,' ses 'Arry.  'I don't mean five more,
+on'y four.  Some people would ha' made it five, but I like to deal square
+and honest.'</p>
+
+<p>"I run over for the skipper in a state of mind that don't bear thinking
+of, and he came back with me, 'arf crazy.  When we got to the cabin we
+found the door was locked, and, arter the skipper 'ad told Artful wot
+he'd do to 'im if he didn't open it, he 'ad to go on deck and talk to 'im
+through the skylight.</p>
+
+<p>"'If you ain't off of my ship in two twos,' he ses, 'I'll fetch a
+policeman.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You go and fetch four pounds,' ses 'Arry; 'that's wot I'm waiting for,
+not a policeman.  Didn't the watchman tell you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The bargain was for one pound,' ses the skipper, 'ardly able to speak.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, you tell that to the policeman,' ses Artful 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"It was no use, he'd got us every way; and at last the skipper turns out
+'is pockets, and he ses, 'Look 'ere,' he ses, 'I've got seventeen and
+tenpence ha' penny.  Will you go if I give you that?'</p>
+
+<p>"''Ow much has the watchman got?' ses 'Arry.  'His lodger lost 'is purse
+the other day.'</p>
+
+<p>"I'd got two and ninepence, as it 'appened, and then there was more
+trouble because the skipper wouldn't give 'im the money till he 'ad gone,
+and 'e wouldn't go till he 'ad got it.  The skipper gave way at last, and
+as soon as he 'ad got it 'Arry ses, 'Now 'op off and borrer the rest, and
+look slippy about it.'</p>
+
+<p>"I put one hand over the skipper's mouth fust, and then, finding that was
+no good, I put the other.  It was no good wasting bad langwidge on 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"I pacified the skipper at last, and arter 'Arry 'ad swore true 'e'd go
+when 'e'd got the money, the skipper rushed round to try and raise it.
+It's a difficult job at the best o' times, and I sat there on the
+skylight shivering and wondering whether the skipper or Mrs. Muffit would
+turn up fust.</p>
+
+<p>"Hours seemed to pass away, and then I see the wicket in the gate open,
+and the skipper come through.  He jumped on deck without a word, and
+then, going over to the skylight, 'anded down the money to 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"'Right-o,' ses 'Arry.  'It on'y shows you wot you can do by trying.'</p>
+
+<p>"He unlocked the door and came up on deck, looking at us very careful,
+and playing with 'is stick.</p>
+
+<p>"'You've got your money,' ses the skipper; 'now go as quick as you can.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Arry smiled and nodded at him.  Then he stepped on to the wharf and was
+just moving to the gate, with us follering, when the wicket opened and in
+came Mrs. Muffit and Uncle Dick.</p>
+
+<p>"'There he is,' ses Uncle Dick.  'That's the man!'</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Muffit walked up to 'im, and my 'art a'most stopped beating.  Her
+face was the colour of beetroot with temper, and you could 'ave heard her
+breath fifty yards away.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ho!' she says, planting 'erself in front of Artful 'Arry, 'so you're
+the man that ses you're my 'usband, are you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'That's all right,' ses 'Arry, 'it's all a mistake.'</p>
+
+<p>"'MISTAKE?' ses Mrs. Muffit.</p>
+
+<p>"'Mistake o' Bill's,' ses 'Arry, pointing to me.  'I told 'im I thought
+'e was wrong, but 'e would 'ave it.  I've got a bad memory, so I left it
+to 'im.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Ho!' ses Mrs. Muffit, taking a deep breath.  'Ho!  I thought as much.
+Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself&mdash;eh?'</p>
+
+<p>"She turned on me like a wild cat, with her 'ands in front of her.  I've
+been scratched once in my life, and I wasn't going to be agin, so, fixing
+my eyes on 'er, I just stepped back a bit, ready for 'er.  So long as I
+kept my eye fixed on 'ers she couldn't do anything.  I knew that.
+Unfortunately I stepped back just a inch too far, and next moment I went
+over back'ards in twelve foot of water.</p>
+
+<a name="024"></a>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="024.jpg (140K)" src="024.jpg" height="824" width="538">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<p>"Arter all, p'r'aps it was the best thing that could have 'appened to me;
+it stopped her talking.  It ain't the fust time I've 'ad a wet jacket;
+but as for the skipper, and pore Uncle Dick&mdash;wot married her&mdash;they've
+been in hot water ever since."</p>
+
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
+
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Skilled Assistance
+       Ship's Company, Part 9.
+
+Author: W.W. Jacobs
+
+Release Date: January 1, 2004 [EBook #10569]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKILLED ASSISTANCE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+SHIP'S COMPANY
+
+By W.W. Jacobs
+
+
+
+[Illustration: 'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe'.]
+
+
+SKILLED ASSISTANCE
+
+
+The night-watchman, who had left his seat on the jetty to answer the
+gate-bell, came back with disgust written on a countenance only too well
+designed to express it.
+
+"If she's been up 'ere once in the last week to, know whether the
+<i>Silvia</i> is up she's been four or five times," he growled.  "He's forty-
+seven if he's a day; 'is left leg is shorter than 'is right, and he talks
+with a stutter.  When she's with 'im you'd think as butter wouldn't melt
+in 'er mouth; but the way she talked to me just now you'd think I was
+paid a-purpose to wait on her.  I asked 'er at last wot she thought I was
+here for, and she said she didn't know, and nobody else neither.  And
+afore she went off she told the potman from the 'Albion,' wot was
+listening, that I was known all over Wapping as the Sleeping Beauty.
+
+"She ain't the fust I've 'ad words with, not by a lot.  They're all the
+same; they all start in a nice, kind, soapy sort o' way, and, as soon as
+they don't get wot they want, fly into a temper and ask me who, I think I
+am.  I told one woman once not to be silly, and I shall never forget it
+as long as I live-never.  For all I know, she's wearing a bit o' my 'air
+in a locket to this day, and very likely boasting that I gave it to her.
+
+"Talking of her reminds me of another woman.  There was a Cap'n Pinner,
+used to trade between 'ere and Hull on a schooner named the Snipe.  Nice
+little craft she was, and 'e was a very nice feller.  Many and many's the
+pint we've 'ad together, turn and turn-about, and the on'y time we ever
+'ad a cross word was when somebody hid his clay pipe in my beer and 'e
+was foolish enough to think I'd done it.
+
+"He 'ad a nice little cottage, 'e told me about, near Hull, and 'is
+wife's father, a man of pretty near seventy, lived with 'em.  Well-off
+the old man was, and, as she was his only daughter, they looked to 'ave
+all his money when he'd gorn.  Their only fear was that 'e might marry
+agin, and, judging from wot 'e used to tell me about the old man, I
+thought it more than likely.
+
+"'If it wasn't for my missis he'd ha' been married over and over agin,'
+he ses one day.  'He's like a child playing with gunpowder.'
+
+"''Ow would it be to let 'im burn hisself a bit?' I ses.
+
+"'If you was to see some o' the gunpowder he wants to play with, you
+wouldn't talk like that,' ses the cap'n.  'You'd know better.  The on'y
+thing is to keep 'em apart, and my pore missis is wore to a shadder a-
+doing of it.'
+
+"It was just about a month arter that that he brought the old man up to
+London with 'im.  They 'ad some stuff to put out at Smith's Wharf,
+t'other side of the river, afore they came to us, and though they was
+on'y there four or five days, it was long enough for that old man to get
+into trouble.
+
+"The skipper told me about it ten minutes arter they was made snug in the
+inner berth 'ere.  He walked up and down like a man with a raging
+toothache, and arter follering 'im up and down the wharf till I was tired
+out, I discovered that 'is father-in-law 'ad got 'imself mixed up with a
+widder-woman ninety years old and weighing twenty stun.  Arter he 'ad
+cooled down a bit, and I 'ad given 'im a few little pats on the shoulder,
+'e made it forty-eight years old and fourteen stun.
+
+"'He's getting ready to go and meet her now,' he ses, 'and wot my
+missis'll say to me, I don't know.'
+
+"His father-in-law came up on deck as 'e spoke, and began to brush
+'imself all over with a clothesbrush.  Nice-looking little man 'e was,
+with blue eyes, and a little white beard, cut to a point, and dressed up
+in a serge suit with brass buttons, and a white yachting cap.  His real
+name was Mr. Finch, but the skipper called 'im Uncle Dick, and he took
+such a fancy to me that in five minutes I was calling 'im Uncle Dick too.
+
+"'Time I was moving,' he ses, by and by.  'I've got an app'intment.'
+
+"'Oh! who with?' ses the skipper, pretending not to know.
+
+"'Friend o' mine, in the army,' ses the old man, with a wink at me.  'So
+long.'
+
+"He went off as spry as a boy, and as soon as he'd gorn the skipper
+started walking back'ards and for'ards agin, and raving.
+
+"'Let's 'ope as he's on'y amusing 'imself,' I ses.
+
+"'Wait till you see 'er,' ses the skipper; 'then you won't talk
+foolishness.'
+
+"As it 'appened she came back with Uncle Dick that evening, to see 'im
+safe, and I see at once wot sort of a woman it was.  She 'adn't been on
+the wharf five minutes afore you'd ha' thought it belonged to 'er, and
+when she went and sat on the schooner it seemed to be about 'arf its
+size.  She called the skipper Tom, and sat there as cool as you please
+holding Uncle Dick's 'and, and patting it.
+
+"I took the skipper round to the 'Bull's Head' arter she 'ad gorn, and I
+wouldn't let 'im say a word until he had 'ad two pints.  He felt better
+then, and some o' the words 'e used surprised me.
+
+"'Wot's to be done?' he ses at last.  'You see 'ow it is, Bill.'
+
+"'Can't you get 'im away?' I ses.  'Who is she, and wot's 'er name?'
+
+"'Her name,' ses the skipper, 'her name is Jane Maria Elizabeth Muffit,
+and she lives over at Rotherhithe.'
+
+"'She's very likely married already,' I ses.
+
+"'Her 'usband died ten years ago,' ses the skipper; 'passed away in 'is
+sleep.  Overlaid, I should say.'
+
+"He sat there smoking, and I sat there thinking.  Twice 'e spoke to me,
+and I held my 'and up and said 'H'sh.' Then I turned to 'im all of a
+sudden and pinched his arm so hard he nearly dropped 'is beer.
+
+"'Is Uncle Dick a nervous man?' I ses.
+
+"'Nervous is no name for it,' he ses, staring.
+
+"'Very good, then,' I ses.  'I'll send 'er husband to frighten 'im.'
+
+"The skipper looked at me very strange.  'Yes,' he ses.  'Yes.  Yes.'
+
+"'Frighten 'im out of 'is boots, and make him give 'er up,' I ses.  'Or
+better still, get 'im to run away and go into hiding for a time.  That
+'ud be best, in case 'e found out.'
+
+"'Found out wot?' ses the skipper.
+
+"'Found out it wasn't 'er husband,' I ses.
+
+"'Bill,' ses the skipper, very earnest, 'this is the fust beer I've 'ad
+to-day, and I wish I could say the same for you.'
+
+"I didn't take 'im at fast, but when I did I gave a laugh that brought in
+two more customers to see wot was the matter.  Then I took 'im by the
+arm--arter a little trouble--and, taking 'im back to the wharf, explained
+my meaning to 'im.
+
+"'I know the very man,' I ses.  'He comes into a public-'ouse down my way
+sometimes.  Artful 'Arry, he's called, and, for 'arf-a-quid, say, he'd
+frighten Uncle Dick 'arf to death.  He's big and ugly, and picks up a
+living by selling meerschaum pipes he's found to small men wot don't want
+'em.  Wonderful gift o' the gab he's got.'
+
+"We went acrost to the 'Albion' to talk it over.  There's several bars
+there, and the landlady always keeps cotton-wool in 'er ears, not 'aving
+been brought up to the public line.  The skipper told me all 'e knew
+about Mrs. Muffit, and we arranged that Artful 'Arry should come down at
+seven o'clock next night, if so be as I could find 'im in time.
+
+"I got up early the next arternoon, and as it 'appened, he came into the
+'Duke of Edinburgh' five minutes arter I got there.  Nasty temper 'e was
+in, too.  He'd just found a meerschaum pipe, as usual, and the very fust
+man 'e tried to sell it to said that it was the one 'e lost last
+Christmas, and gave 'im a punch in the jaw for it.
+
+"'He's a thief, that's wot he is,' ses 'Arry; 'and I 'ate thiefs.  'Ow's
+a honest tradesman to make a living when there's people like that about?'
+
+"I stood 'im 'arf a pint, and though it hurt 'im awful to drink it, he
+said 'ed 'ave another just to see if he could bear the pain.  Arter he
+had 'ad three 'e began for to take a more cheerful view o' life, and told
+me about a chap that spent three weeks in the London 'Orsepittle for
+calling 'im a liar.
+
+"'Treat me fair,' he ses, 'and I'll treat other people fair.  I never
+broke my word without a good reason for it, and that's more than
+everybody can say.  If I told you the praise I've 'ad from some people
+you wouldn't believe it.'
+
+"I let 'im go on till he 'ad talked 'imself into a good temper, and then I
+told 'im of the little job I 'ad got for 'im.  He listened quiet till I
+'ad finished, and then he shook 'is 'ead.
+
+"'It ain't in my line,' he ses.
+
+"'There's 'arf a quid 'anging to it,' I ses.
+
+"'Arry shook his 'ead agin.  'Tain't enough, mate,' he ses.  'If you was
+to make it a quid I won't say as I mightn't think of it.'
+
+"I 'ad told the skipper that it might cost 'im a quid, so I knew 'ow far
+I could go; and at last, arter 'Arry 'ad got as far as the door three
+times, I gave way.
+
+"'And I'll 'ave it now,' he ses, 'to prevent mistakes.'
+
+"'No, 'Arry,' I ses, very firm.  'Besides, it ain't my money, you see.'
+
+"'You mean to say you don't trust me,' 'e ses, firing up.
+
+"'I'd trust you with untold gold,' I ses, 'but not with a real quid;
+you're too fond of a joke, 'Arry.'
+
+"We 'ad another long argyment about it, and I had to tell 'im plain at
+last that when I wanted to smell 'is fist, I'd say so.
+
+"'You turn up at the wharf at five minutes to seven,' I ses, 'and I'll
+give you ten bob of it; arter you've done your business I'll give you the
+other.  Come along quiet, and you'll see me waiting at the gate for you.'
+
+"He gave way arter a time, and, fust going 'ome for a cup o' tea, I went
+on to the wharf to tell the skipper 'ow things stood.
+
+"'It couldn't 'ave 'appened better,' he ses.  'Uncle Dick is sure to be
+aboard at that time, 'cos 'e's going acrost the water at eight o'clock to
+pay 'er a visit.  And all the hands'll be away.  I've made sure of that.'
+
+"He gave me the money for Artful 'Arry in two 'arf-suverins, and then we
+went over to the 'Albion' for a quiet glass and a pipe, and to wait for
+seven o'clock.
+
+"I left 'im there at ten minutes to, and at five minutes to, punctual to
+the minute, I see 'Arry coming along swinging a thick stick with a knob
+on the end of it.
+
+"'Where's the 'arf thick-un?' he ses, looking round to see that the coast
+was clear.
+
+"I gave it to 'im, and arter biting it in three places and saying it was
+a bit short in weight he dropped it in 'is weskit-pocket and said 'e was
+ready.
+
+"I left 'im there for a minute while I went and 'ad a look round.  The
+deck of the Snipe was empty, but I could 'ear Uncle Dick down in the
+cabin singing; and, arter listening for a few seconds to make sure that
+it was singing, I went back and beckoned to 'Arry.
+
+"'He's down in the cabin,' I ses, pointing.  'Don't overdo it, 'Arry, and
+at the same time don't underdo it, as you might say.'
+
+"'I know just wot you want,' ses 'Arry, 'and if you'd got the 'art of a
+man in you, you'd make it two quids.'
+
+"He climbed on board and stood listening for a moment at the companion,
+and then 'e went down, while I went off outside the gate, so as to be out
+of earshot in case Uncle Dick called for me.  I knew that I should 'ear
+all about wot went on arterwards--and I did.
+
+"Artful 'Arry went down the companion-ladder very quiet, and then stood
+at the foot of it looking at Uncle Dick.  He looked 'im up and down and
+all over, and then 'e gave a fierce, loud cough.
+
+"'Good-evening,' he ses.
+
+"'Good-evening,' ses Uncle Dick, staring at 'im.  'Did you want to see
+anybody?'
+
+"'I did,' ses 'Arry.  'I do.  And when I see 'im I'm going to put my arms
+round 'im and twist 'is neck; then I'm going to break every bone in 'is
+body, and arter that I'm going to shy 'im overboard to pison the fishes
+with.'
+
+"'Dear me!' ses Uncle Dick, shifting away as far as 'e could.
+
+"'I ain't 'ad a wink o' sleep for two nights,' ses 'Arry--'not ever since
+I 'eard of it.  When I think of all I've done for that woman-working for
+'er, and such-like-my blood boils.  When I think of her passing 'erself
+off as a widder--my widder--and going out with another man, I don't know
+wot to do with myself.'
+
+"Uncle Dick started and turned pale.  Fust 'e seemed as if 'e was going
+to speak, and then 'e thought better of it.  He sat staring at 'Arry as
+if 'e couldn't believe his eyes.
+
+"'Wot would you do with a man like that?' ses 'Arry.  'I ask you, as man
+to man, wot would you do to 'im?'
+
+"'P'r'aps-p'r'aps 'e didn't know,' ses Uncle Dick, stammering.
+
+"'Didn't know!' ses 'Arry.  'Don't care, you mean.  We've got a nice
+little 'ome, and, just because I've 'ad to leave it and lay low for a bit
+for knifing a man, she takes advantage of it.  And it ain't the fust
+time, neither.  Wot's the matter?'
+
+"'Touch-touch of ague; I get it sometimes,' ses Uncle Dick.
+
+"'I want to see this man Finch,' ses 'Arry, shaking 'is knobby stick.
+'Muffit, my name is, and I want to tell 'im so.'
+
+"Uncle Dick nearly shook 'imself on to the floor.
+
+"'I--I'll go and see if 'e's in the fo'c'sle,' he ses at last.
+
+"'He ain't there, 'cos I've looked,' ses 'Arry, 'arf shutting 'is eyes and
+looking at 'im hard.  'Wot might your name be?'
+
+"'My name's Finch,' ses Uncle Dick, putting out his 'ands to keep him
+off; 'but I thought she was a widder.  She told me her 'usband died ten
+years ago; she's deceived me as well as you.  I wouldn't ha' dreamt of
+taking any notice of 'er if I'd known.  Truth, I wouldn't.  I should'nt
+ha' dreamt of such a thing.'
+
+"Artful 'Arry played with 'is stick a little, and stood looking at 'im
+with a horrible look on 'is face.
+
+"''Ow am I to know you're speaking the truth?' he ses, very slow.  'Eh?
+'Ow can you prove it?'
+
+"'If it was the last word I was to speak I'd say the same,' ses Uncle
+Dick.  'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe.'
+
+"'If that's true,' ses 'Arry, 'she's deceived both of us.  Now, if I let
+you go will you go straight off and bring her 'ere to me?'
+
+"'I will,' ses Uncle Dick, jumping up.
+
+"''Arf a mo,' ses 'Arry, holding up 'is stick very quick.  'One thing is,
+if you don't come back, I'll 'ave you another day.  I can't make up my
+mind wot to do.  I can't think--I ain't tasted food for two days.  If I
+'ad any money in my pocket I'd 'ave a bite while you're gone.'
+
+"'Why not get something?' ses Uncle Dick, putting his 'and in his pocket,
+in a great 'urry to please him, and pulling out some silver.
+
+"'Arry said 'e would, and then he stood on one side to let 'im pass, and
+even put the knobby stick under 'im to help 'im up the companion-ladder.
+
+"Uncle Dick passed me two minutes arterwards without a word, and set off
+down the road as fast as 'is little legs 'ud carry 'im.  I watched 'im
+out o' sight, and then I went on board the schooner to see how 'Arry 'ad
+got on.
+
+"Arry,' I ses, when he 'ad finished, 'you're a masterpiece!'
+
+"'I know I am,' he ses.  'Wot about that other 'arf-quid?'
+
+"'Here it is,' I ses, giving it to 'im.  'Fair masterpiece, that's wot
+you are.  They may well call you Artful.  Shake 'ands.'
+
+"I patted 'im on the shoulder arter we 'ad shook 'ands, and we stood
+there smiling at each other and paying each other compliments.
+
+"'Fancy 'em sitting 'ere and waiting for you to come back from that
+bite,' I ses.
+
+"'I ought to 'ave 'ad more off of him,' ses 'Arry.  ''Owever, it can't be
+helped.  I think I'll 'ave a lay down for a bit; I'm tired.'
+
+"'Better be off,' I ses, shaking my 'ead.  'Time passes, and they might
+come back afore you think.'
+
+"'Well, wot of it?' ses 'Arry.
+
+"'Wot of it?' I ses.  'Why, it'ud spoil everything.  It 'ud be blue
+ruin.'
+
+"'Are you sure?' ses 'Arry'.
+
+"'Sartin,' I ses.
+
+"'Well, make it five quid, and I'll go, then,' he ses, sitting down agin.
+
+"I couldn't believe my ears at fust, but when I could I drew myself up
+and told 'im wot I thought of 'im; and he sat there and laughed at me.
+
+"'Why, you called me a masterpiece just now,' he ses.  'I shouldn't be
+much of a masterpiece if I let a chance like this slip.  Why, I shouldn't
+be able to look myself in the face.  Where's the skipper?'
+
+"'Sitting in the "Albion",' I ses, 'arf choking.
+
+"'Go and tell 'im it's five quid,' ses 'Arry.  'I don't mean five more,
+on'y four.  Some people would ha' made it five, but I like to deal square
+and honest.'
+
+"I run over for the skipper in a state of mind that don't bear thinking
+of, and he came back with me, 'arf crazy.  When we got to the cabin we
+found the door was locked, and, arter the skipper 'ad told Artful wot
+he'd do to 'im if he didn't open it, he 'ad to go on deck and talk to 'im
+through the skylight.
+
+"'If you ain't off of my ship in two twos,' he ses, 'I'll fetch a
+policeman.'
+
+"'You go and fetch four pounds,' ses 'Arry; 'that's wot I'm waiting for,
+not a policeman.  Didn't the watchman tell you?'
+
+"'The bargain was for one pound,' ses the skipper, 'ardly able to speak.
+
+"'Well, you tell that to the policeman,' ses Artful 'Arry.
+
+"It was no use, he'd got us every way; and at last the skipper turns out
+'is pockets, and he ses, 'Look 'ere,' he ses, 'I've got seventeen and
+tenpence ha' penny.  Will you go if I give you that?'
+
+"''Ow much has the watchman got?' ses 'Arry.  'His lodger lost 'is purse
+the other day.'
+
+"I'd got two and ninepence, as it 'appened, and then there was more
+trouble because the skipper wouldn't give 'im the money till he 'ad gone,
+and 'e wouldn't go till he 'ad got it.  The skipper gave way at last, and
+as soon as he 'ad got it 'Arry ses, 'Now 'op off and borrer the rest, and
+look slippy about it.'
+
+"I put one hand over the skipper's mouth fust, and then, finding that was
+no good, I put the other.  It was no good wasting bad langwidge on 'Arry.
+
+"I pacified the skipper at last, and arter 'Arry 'ad swore true 'e'd go
+when 'e'd got the money, the skipper rushed round to try and raise it.
+It's a difficult job at the best o' times, and I sat there on the
+skylight shivering and wondering whether the skipper or Mrs. Muffit would
+turn up fust.
+
+"Hours seemed to pass away, and then I see the wicket in the gate open,
+and the skipper come through.  He jumped on deck without a word, and
+then, going over to the skylight, 'anded down the money to 'Arry.
+
+"'Right-o,' ses 'Arry.  'It on'y shows you wot you can do by trying.'
+
+"He unlocked the door and came up on deck, looking at us very careful,
+and playing with 'is stick.
+
+"'You've got your money,' ses the skipper; 'now go as quick as you can.'
+
+"'Arry smiled and nodded at him.  Then he stepped on to the wharf and was
+just moving to the gate, with us follering, when the wicket opened and in
+came Mrs. Muffit and Uncle Dick.
+
+"'There he is,' ses Uncle Dick.  'That's the man!'
+
+"Mrs. Muffit walked up to 'im, and my 'art a'most stopped beating.  Her
+face was the colour of beetroot with temper, and you could 'ave heard her
+breath fifty yards away.
+
+"'Ho!' she says, planting 'erself in front of Artful 'Arry, 'so you're
+the man that ses you're my 'usband, are you?'
+
+"'That's all right,' ses 'Arry, 'it's all a mistake.'
+
+"'MISTAKE?' ses Mrs. Muffit.
+
+"'Mistake o' Bill's,' ses 'Arry, pointing to me.  'I told 'im I thought
+'e was wrong, but 'e would 'ave it.  I've got a bad memory, so I left it
+to 'im.'
+
+"'Ho!' ses Mrs. Muffit, taking a deep breath.  'Ho!  I thought as much.
+Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself--eh?'
+
+"She turned on me like a wild cat, with her 'ands in front of her.  I've
+been scratched once in my life, and I wasn't going to be agin, so, fixing
+my eyes on 'er, I just stepped back a bit, ready for 'er.  So long as I
+kept my eye fixed on 'ers she couldn't do anything.  I knew that.
+Unfortunately I stepped back just a inch too far, and next moment I went
+over back'ards in twelve foot of water.
+
+"Arter all, p'r'aps it was the best thing that could have 'appened to me;
+it stopped her talking.  It ain't the fust time I've 'ad a wet jacket;
+but as for the skipper, and pore Uncle Dick--wot married her--they've
+been in hot water ever since."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #10569 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10569)
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>Ship's Company, Book 9</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
+<style type="text/css">
+<!--
+body {margin:10%; text-align:justify}
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+blockquote {font-size:14pt}
+P {font-size:14pt}
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+</style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Skilled Assistance
+       Ship's Company, Part 9.
+
+Author: W.W. Jacobs
+
+Release Date: January 1, 2004 [EBook #10569]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKILLED ASSISTANCE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="cover.jpg (139K)" src="cover.jpg" height="899" width="752">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="title.jpg (44K)" src="title.jpg" height="736" width="486">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="frontis.jpg (100K)" src="frontis.jpg" height="743" width="494">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<center>
+<h2>BOOK 9</h2>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center>
+<h2>BOOK 9</h2>
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<center>
+<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+<h4>FROM DRAWINGS BY WILL OWEN</h4></center>
+<br>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+
+<p><a href="#023">"I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe"</a><br>
+<a href="#024">"And next moment I went over back'ards in twelve foot of water"</a></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+
+<a name="c9"></a>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<h1>
+SKILLED ASSISTANCE
+</h1>
+</center>
+<br>
+
+
+<p>The night-watchman, who had left his seat on the jetty to answer the
+gate-bell, came back with disgust written on a countenance only too well
+designed to express it.</p>
+
+<p>"If she's been up 'ere once in the last week to, know whether the
+<i>Silvia</i> is up she's been four or five times," he growled.  "He's forty-
+seven if he's a day; 'is left leg is shorter than 'is right, and he talks
+with a stutter.  When she's with 'im you'd think as butter wouldn't melt
+in 'er mouth; but the way she talked to me just now you'd think I was
+paid a-purpose to wait on her.  I asked 'er at last wot she thought I was
+here for, and she said she didn't know, and nobody else neither.  And
+afore she went off she told the potman from the 'Albion,' wot was
+listening, that I was known all over Wapping as the Sleeping Beauty.</p>
+
+<p>"She ain't the fust I've 'ad words with, not by a lot.  They're all the
+same; they all start in a nice, kind, soapy sort o' way, and, as soon as
+they don't get wot they want, fly into a temper and ask me who, I think I
+am.  I told one woman once not to be silly, and I shall never forget it
+as long as I live-never.  For all I know, she's wearing a bit o' my 'air
+in a locket to this day, and very likely boasting that I gave it to her.</p>
+
+<p>"Talking of her reminds me of another woman.  There was a Cap'n Pinner,
+used to trade between 'ere and Hull on a schooner named the Snipe.  Nice
+little craft she was, and 'e was a very nice feller.  Many and many's the
+pint we've 'ad together, turn and turn-about, and the on'y time we ever
+'ad a cross word was when somebody hid his clay pipe in my beer and 'e
+was foolish enough to think I'd done it.</p>
+
+<p>"He 'ad a nice little cottage, 'e told me about, near Hull, and 'is
+wife's father, a man of pretty near seventy, lived with 'em.  Well-off
+the old man was, and, as she was his only daughter, they looked to 'ave
+all his money when he'd gorn.  Their only fear was that 'e might marry
+agin, and, judging from wot 'e used to tell me about the old man, I
+thought it more than likely.</p>
+
+<p>"'If it wasn't for my missis he'd ha' been married over and over agin,'
+he ses one day.  'He's like a child playing with gunpowder.'</p>
+
+<p>"''Ow would it be to let 'im burn hisself a bit?' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'If you was to see some o' the gunpowder he wants to play with, you
+wouldn't talk like that,' ses the cap'n.  'You'd know better.  The on'y
+thing is to keep 'em apart, and my pore missis is wore to a shadder a-
+doing of it.'</p>
+
+<p>"It was just about a month arter that that he brought the old man up to
+London with 'im.  They 'ad some stuff to put out at Smith's Wharf,
+t'other side of the river, afore they came to us, and though they was
+on'y there four or five days, it was long enough for that old man to get
+into trouble.</p>
+
+<p>"The skipper told me about it ten minutes arter they was made snug in the
+inner berth 'ere.  He walked up and down like a man with a raging
+toothache, and arter follering 'im up and down the wharf till I was tired
+out, I discovered that 'is father-in-law 'ad got 'imself mixed up with a
+widder-woman ninety years old and weighing twenty stun.  Arter he 'ad
+cooled down a bit, and I 'ad given 'im a few little pats on the shoulder,
+'e made it forty-eight years old and fourteen stun.</p>
+
+<p>"'He's getting ready to go and meet her now,' he ses, 'and wot my
+missis'll say to me, I don't know.'</p>
+
+<p>"His father-in-law came up on deck as 'e spoke, and began to brush
+'imself all over with a clothesbrush.  Nice-looking little man 'e was,
+with blue eyes, and a little white beard, cut to a point, and dressed up
+in a serge suit with brass buttons, and a white yachting cap.  His real
+name was Mr. Finch, but the skipper called 'im Uncle Dick, and he took
+such a fancy to me that in five minutes I was calling 'im Uncle Dick too.</p>
+
+<p>"'Time I was moving,' he ses, by and by.  'I've got an app'intment.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh! who with?' ses the skipper, pretending not to know.</p>
+
+<p>"'Friend o' mine, in the army,' ses the old man, with a wink at me.  'So
+long.'</p>
+
+<p>"He went off as spry as a boy, and as soon as he'd gorn the skipper
+started walking back'ards and for'ards agin, and raving.</p>
+
+<p>"'Let's 'ope as he's on'y amusing 'imself,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wait till you see 'er,' ses the skipper; 'then you won't talk
+foolishness.'</p>
+
+<p>"As it 'appened she came back with Uncle Dick that evening, to see 'im
+safe, and I see at once wot sort of a woman it was.  She 'adn't been on
+the wharf five minutes afore you'd ha' thought it belonged to 'er, and
+when she went and sat on the schooner it seemed to be about 'arf its
+size.  She called the skipper Tom, and sat there as cool as you please
+holding Uncle Dick's 'and, and patting it.</p>
+
+<p>"I took the skipper round to the 'Bull's Head' arter she 'ad gorn, and I
+wouldn't let 'im say a word until he had 'ad two pints.  He felt better
+then, and some o' the words 'e used surprised me.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wot's to be done?' he ses at last.  'You see 'ow it is, Bill.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Can't you get 'im away?' I ses.  'Who is she, and wot's 'er name?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Her name,' ses the skipper, 'her name is Jane Maria Elizabeth Muffit,
+and she lives over at Rotherhithe.'</p>
+
+<p>"'She's very likely married already,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Her 'usband died ten years ago,' ses the skipper; 'passed away in 'is
+sleep.  Overlaid, I should say.'</p>
+
+<p>"He sat there smoking, and I sat there thinking.  Twice 'e spoke to me,
+and I held my 'and up and said 'H'sh.' Then I turned to 'im all of a
+sudden and pinched his arm so hard he nearly dropped 'is beer.</p>
+
+<p>"'Is Uncle Dick a nervous man?' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Nervous is no name for it,' he ses, staring.</p>
+
+<p>"'Very good, then,' I ses.  'I'll send 'er husband to frighten 'im.'</p>
+
+<p>"The skipper looked at me very strange.  'Yes,' he ses.  'Yes.  Yes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Frighten 'im out of 'is boots, and make him give 'er up,' I ses.  'Or
+better still, get 'im to run away and go into hiding for a time.  That
+'ud be best, in case 'e found out.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Found out wot?' ses the skipper.</p>
+
+<p>"'Found out it wasn't 'er husband,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Bill,' ses the skipper, very earnest, 'this is the fust beer I've 'ad
+to-day, and I wish I could say the same for you.'</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't take 'im at fast, but when I did I gave a laugh that brought in
+two more customers to see wot was the matter.  Then I took 'im by the
+arm&mdash;arter a little trouble&mdash;and, taking 'im back to the wharf, explained
+my meaning to 'im.</p>
+
+<p>"'I know the very man,' I ses.  'He comes into a public-'ouse down my way
+sometimes.  Artful 'Arry, he's called, and, for 'arf-a-quid, say, he'd
+frighten Uncle Dick 'arf to death.  He's big and ugly, and picks up a
+living by selling meerschaum pipes he's found to small men wot don't want
+'em.  Wonderful gift o' the gab he's got.'</p>
+
+<p>"We went acrost to the 'Albion' to talk it over.  There's several bars
+there, and the landlady always keeps cotton-wool in 'er ears, not 'aving
+been brought up to the public line.  The skipper told me all 'e knew
+about Mrs. Muffit, and we arranged that Artful 'Arry should come down at
+seven o'clock next night, if so be as I could find 'im in time.</p>
+
+<p>"I got up early the next arternoon, and as it 'appened, he came into the
+'Duke of Edinburgh' five minutes arter I got there.  Nasty temper 'e was
+in, too.  He'd just found a meerschaum pipe, as usual, and the very fust
+man 'e tried to sell it to said that it was the one 'e lost last
+Christmas, and gave 'im a punch in the jaw for it.</p>
+
+<p>"'He's a thief, that's wot he is,' ses 'Arry; 'and I 'ate thiefs.  'Ow's
+a honest tradesman to make a living when there's people like that about?'</p>
+
+<p>"I stood 'im 'arf a pint, and though it hurt 'im awful to drink it, he
+said 'ed 'ave another just to see if he could bear the pain.  Arter he
+had 'ad three 'e began for to take a more cheerful view o' life, and told
+me about a chap that spent three weeks in the London 'Orsepittle for
+calling 'im a liar.</p>
+
+<p>"'Treat me fair,' he ses, 'and I'll treat other people fair.  I never
+broke my word without a good reason for it, and that's more than
+everybody can say.  If I told you the praise I've 'ad from some people
+you wouldn't believe it.'</p>
+
+<p>"I let 'im go on till he 'ad talked 'imself into a good temper, and then I
+told 'im of the little job I 'ad got for 'im.  He listened quiet till I
+'ad finished, and then he shook 'is 'ead.</p>
+
+<p>"'It ain't in my line,' he ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'There's 'arf a quid 'anging to it,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Arry shook his 'ead agin.  'Tain't enough, mate,' he ses.  'If you was
+to make it a quid I won't say as I mightn't think of it.'</p>
+
+<p>"I 'ad told the skipper that it might cost 'im a quid, so I knew 'ow far
+I could go; and at last, arter 'Arry 'ad got as far as the door three
+times, I gave way.</p>
+
+<p>"'And I'll 'ave it now,' he ses, 'to prevent mistakes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, 'Arry,' I ses, very firm.  'Besides, it ain't my money, you see.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You mean to say you don't trust me,' 'e ses, firing up.</p>
+
+<p>"'I'd trust you with untold gold,' I ses, 'but not with a real quid;
+you're too fond of a joke, 'Arry.'</p>
+
+<p>"We 'ad another long argyment about it, and I had to tell 'im plain at
+last that when I wanted to smell 'is fist, I'd say so.</p>
+
+<p>"'You turn up at the wharf at five minutes to seven,' I ses, 'and I'll
+give you ten bob of it; arter you've done your business I'll give you the
+other.  Come along quiet, and you'll see me waiting at the gate for you.'</p>
+
+<p>"He gave way arter a time, and, fust going 'ome for a cup o' tea, I went
+on to the wharf to tell the skipper 'ow things stood.</p>
+
+<p>"'It couldn't 'ave 'appened better,' he ses.  'Uncle Dick is sure to be
+aboard at that time, 'cos 'e's going acrost the water at eight o'clock to
+pay 'er a visit.  And all the hands'll be away.  I've made sure of that.'</p>
+
+<p>"He gave me the money for Artful 'Arry in two 'arf-suverins, and then we
+went over to the 'Albion' for a quiet glass and a pipe, and to wait for
+seven o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>"I left 'im there at ten minutes to, and at five minutes to, punctual to
+the minute, I see 'Arry coming along swinging a thick stick with a knob
+on the end of it.</p>
+
+<p>"'Where's the 'arf thick-un?' he ses, looking round to see that the coast
+was clear.</p>
+
+<p>"I gave it to 'im, and arter biting it in three places and saying it was
+a bit short in weight he dropped it in 'is weskit-pocket and said 'e was
+ready.</p>
+
+<p>"I left 'im there for a minute while I went and 'ad a look round.  The
+deck of the Snipe was empty, but I could 'ear Uncle Dick down in the
+cabin singing; and, arter listening for a few seconds to make sure that
+it was singing, I went back and beckoned to 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"'He's down in the cabin,' I ses, pointing.  'Don't overdo it, 'Arry, and
+at the same time don't underdo it, as you might say.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I know just wot you want,' ses 'Arry, 'and if you'd got the 'art of a
+man in you, you'd make it two quids.'</p>
+
+<p>"He climbed on board and stood listening for a moment at the companion,
+and then 'e went down, while I went off outside the gate, so as to be out
+of earshot in case Uncle Dick called for me.  I knew that I should 'ear
+all about wot went on arterwards&mdash;and I did.</p>
+
+<p>"Artful 'Arry went down the companion-ladder very quiet, and then stood
+at the foot of it looking at Uncle Dick.  He looked 'im up and down and
+all over, and then 'e gave a fierce, loud cough.</p>
+
+<p>"'Good-evening,' he ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Good-evening,' ses Uncle Dick, staring at 'im.  'Did you want to see
+anybody?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I did,' ses 'Arry.  'I do.  And when I see 'im I'm going to put my arms
+round 'im and twist 'is neck; then I'm going to break every bone in 'is
+body, and arter that I'm going to shy 'im overboard to pison the fishes
+with.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear me!' ses Uncle Dick, shifting away as far as 'e could.</p>
+
+<p>"'I ain't 'ad a wink o' sleep for two nights,' ses 'Arry&mdash;'not ever since
+I 'eard of it.  When I think of all I've done for that woman-working for
+'er, and such-like-my blood boils.  When I think of her passing 'erself
+off as a widder&mdash;my widder&mdash;and going out with another man, I don't know
+wot to do with myself.'</p>
+
+<p>"Uncle Dick started and turned pale.  Fust 'e seemed as if 'e was going
+to speak, and then 'e thought better of it.  He sat staring at 'Arry as
+if 'e couldn't believe his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wot would you do with a man like that?' ses 'Arry.  'I ask you, as man
+to man, wot would you do to 'im?'</p>
+
+<p>"'P'r'aps-p'r'aps 'e didn't know,' ses Uncle Dick, stammering.</p>
+
+<p>"'Didn't know!' ses 'Arry.  'Don't care, you mean.  We've got a nice
+little 'ome, and, just because I've 'ad to leave it and lay low for a bit
+for knifing a man, she takes advantage of it.  And it ain't the fust
+time, neither.  Wot's the matter?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Touch-touch of ague; I get it sometimes,' ses Uncle Dick.</p>
+
+<p>"'I want to see this man Finch,' ses 'Arry, shaking 'is knobby stick.
+'Muffit, my name is, and I want to tell 'im so.'</p>
+
+<p>"Uncle Dick nearly shook 'imself on to the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"'I&mdash;I'll go and see if 'e's in the fo'c'sle,' he ses at last.</p>
+
+<p>"'He ain't there, 'cos I've looked,' ses 'Arry, 'arf shutting 'is eyes and
+looking at 'im hard.  'Wot might your name be?'</p>
+
+<p>"'My name's Finch,' ses Uncle Dick, putting out his 'ands to keep him
+off; 'but I thought she was a widder.  She told me her 'usband died ten
+years ago; she's deceived me as well as you.  I wouldn't ha' dreamt of
+taking any notice of 'er if I'd known.  Truth, I wouldn't.  I should'nt
+ha' dreamt of such a thing.'</p>
+
+<p>"Artful 'Arry played with 'is stick a little, and stood looking at 'im
+with a horrible look on 'is face.</p>
+
+<p>"''Ow am I to know you're speaking the truth?' he ses, very slow.  'Eh?
+'Ow can you prove it?'</p>
+
+<p>"'If it was the last word I was to speak I'd say the same,' ses Uncle
+Dick.  'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe.'</p>
+
+<a name="023"></a>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="023.jpg (127K)" src="023.jpg" height="664" width="564">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<p>"'If that's true,' ses 'Arry, 'she's deceived both of us.  Now, if I let
+you go will you go straight off and bring her 'ere to me?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I will,' ses Uncle Dick, jumping up.</p>
+
+<p>"''Arf a mo,' ses 'Arry, holding up 'is stick very quick.  'One thing is,
+if you don't come back, I'll 'ave you another day.  I can't make up my
+mind wot to do.  I can't think&mdash;I ain't tasted food for two days.  If I
+'ad any money in my pocket I'd 'ave a bite while you're gone.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Why not get something?' ses Uncle Dick, putting his 'and in his pocket,
+in a great 'urry to please him, and pulling out some silver.</p>
+
+<p>"'Arry said 'e would, and then he stood on one side to let 'im pass, and
+even put the knobby stick under 'im to help 'im up the companion-ladder.</p>
+
+<p>"Uncle Dick passed me two minutes arterwards without a word, and set off
+down the road as fast as 'is little legs 'ud carry 'im.  I watched 'im
+out o' sight, and then I went on board the schooner to see how 'Arry 'ad
+got on.</p>
+
+<p>"Arry,' I ses, when he 'ad finished, 'you're a masterpiece!'</p>
+
+<p>"'I know I am,' he ses.  'Wot about that other 'arf-quid?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Here it is,' I ses, giving it to 'im.  'Fair masterpiece, that's wot
+you are.  They may well call you Artful.  Shake 'ands.'</p>
+
+<p>"I patted 'im on the shoulder arter we 'ad shook 'ands, and we stood
+there smiling at each other and paying each other compliments.</p>
+
+<p>"'Fancy 'em sitting 'ere and waiting for you to come back from that
+bite,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'I ought to 'ave 'ad more off of him,' ses 'Arry.  ''Owever, it can't be
+helped.  I think I'll 'ave a lay down for a bit; I'm tired.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Better be off,' I ses, shaking my 'ead.  'Time passes, and they might
+come back afore you think.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, wot of it?' ses 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wot of it?' I ses.  'Why, it'ud spoil everything.  It 'ud be blue
+ruin.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you sure?' ses 'Arry'.</p>
+
+<p>"'Sartin,' I ses.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, make it five quid, and I'll go, then,' he ses, sitting down agin.</p>
+
+<p>"I couldn't believe my ears at fust, but when I could I drew myself up
+and told 'im wot I thought of 'im; and he sat there and laughed at me.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why, you called me a masterpiece just now,' he ses.  'I shouldn't be
+much of a masterpiece if I let a chance like this slip.  Why, I shouldn't
+be able to look myself in the face.  Where's the skipper?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Sitting in the "Albion",' I ses, 'arf choking.</p>
+
+<p>"'Go and tell 'im it's five quid,' ses 'Arry.  'I don't mean five more,
+on'y four.  Some people would ha' made it five, but I like to deal square
+and honest.'</p>
+
+<p>"I run over for the skipper in a state of mind that don't bear thinking
+of, and he came back with me, 'arf crazy.  When we got to the cabin we
+found the door was locked, and, arter the skipper 'ad told Artful wot
+he'd do to 'im if he didn't open it, he 'ad to go on deck and talk to 'im
+through the skylight.</p>
+
+<p>"'If you ain't off of my ship in two twos,' he ses, 'I'll fetch a
+policeman.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You go and fetch four pounds,' ses 'Arry; 'that's wot I'm waiting for,
+not a policeman.  Didn't the watchman tell you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The bargain was for one pound,' ses the skipper, 'ardly able to speak.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, you tell that to the policeman,' ses Artful 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"It was no use, he'd got us every way; and at last the skipper turns out
+'is pockets, and he ses, 'Look 'ere,' he ses, 'I've got seventeen and
+tenpence ha' penny.  Will you go if I give you that?'</p>
+
+<p>"''Ow much has the watchman got?' ses 'Arry.  'His lodger lost 'is purse
+the other day.'</p>
+
+<p>"I'd got two and ninepence, as it 'appened, and then there was more
+trouble because the skipper wouldn't give 'im the money till he 'ad gone,
+and 'e wouldn't go till he 'ad got it.  The skipper gave way at last, and
+as soon as he 'ad got it 'Arry ses, 'Now 'op off and borrer the rest, and
+look slippy about it.'</p>
+
+<p>"I put one hand over the skipper's mouth fust, and then, finding that was
+no good, I put the other.  It was no good wasting bad langwidge on 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"I pacified the skipper at last, and arter 'Arry 'ad swore true 'e'd go
+when 'e'd got the money, the skipper rushed round to try and raise it.
+It's a difficult job at the best o' times, and I sat there on the
+skylight shivering and wondering whether the skipper or Mrs. Muffit would
+turn up fust.</p>
+
+<p>"Hours seemed to pass away, and then I see the wicket in the gate open,
+and the skipper come through.  He jumped on deck without a word, and
+then, going over to the skylight, 'anded down the money to 'Arry.</p>
+
+<p>"'Right-o,' ses 'Arry.  'It on'y shows you wot you can do by trying.'</p>
+
+<p>"He unlocked the door and came up on deck, looking at us very careful,
+and playing with 'is stick.</p>
+
+<p>"'You've got your money,' ses the skipper; 'now go as quick as you can.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Arry smiled and nodded at him.  Then he stepped on to the wharf and was
+just moving to the gate, with us follering, when the wicket opened and in
+came Mrs. Muffit and Uncle Dick.</p>
+
+<p>"'There he is,' ses Uncle Dick.  'That's the man!'</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Muffit walked up to 'im, and my 'art a'most stopped beating.  Her
+face was the colour of beetroot with temper, and you could 'ave heard her
+breath fifty yards away.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ho!' she says, planting 'erself in front of Artful 'Arry, 'so you're
+the man that ses you're my 'usband, are you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'That's all right,' ses 'Arry, 'it's all a mistake.'</p>
+
+<p>"'MISTAKE?' ses Mrs. Muffit.</p>
+
+<p>"'Mistake o' Bill's,' ses 'Arry, pointing to me.  'I told 'im I thought
+'e was wrong, but 'e would 'ave it.  I've got a bad memory, so I left it
+to 'im.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Ho!' ses Mrs. Muffit, taking a deep breath.  'Ho!  I thought as much.
+Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself&mdash;eh?'</p>
+
+<p>"She turned on me like a wild cat, with her 'ands in front of her.  I've
+been scratched once in my life, and I wasn't going to be agin, so, fixing
+my eyes on 'er, I just stepped back a bit, ready for 'er.  So long as I
+kept my eye fixed on 'ers she couldn't do anything.  I knew that.
+Unfortunately I stepped back just a inch too far, and next moment I went
+over back'ards in twelve foot of water.</p>
+
+<a name="024"></a>
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<img alt="024.jpg (140K)" src="024.jpg" height="824" width="538">
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<p>"Arter all, p'r'aps it was the best thing that could have 'appened to me;
+it stopped her talking.  It ain't the fust time I've 'ad a wet jacket;
+but as for the skipper, and pore Uncle Dick&mdash;wot married her&mdash;they've
+been in hot water ever since."</p>
+
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Skilled Assistance
+       Ship's Company, Part 9.
+
+Author: W.W. Jacobs
+
+Release Date: January 1, 2004 [EBook #10569]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKILLED ASSISTANCE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+SHIP'S COMPANY
+
+By W.W. Jacobs
+
+
+
+[Illustration: 'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe'.]
+
+
+SKILLED ASSISTANCE
+
+
+The night-watchman, who had left his seat on the jetty to answer the
+gate-bell, came back with disgust written on a countenance only too well
+designed to express it.
+
+"If she's been up 'ere once in the last week to, know whether the
+<i>Silvia</i> is up she's been four or five times," he growled.  "He's forty-
+seven if he's a day; 'is left leg is shorter than 'is right, and he talks
+with a stutter.  When she's with 'im you'd think as butter wouldn't melt
+in 'er mouth; but the way she talked to me just now you'd think I was
+paid a-purpose to wait on her.  I asked 'er at last wot she thought I was
+here for, and she said she didn't know, and nobody else neither.  And
+afore she went off she told the potman from the 'Albion,' wot was
+listening, that I was known all over Wapping as the Sleeping Beauty.
+
+"She ain't the fust I've 'ad words with, not by a lot.  They're all the
+same; they all start in a nice, kind, soapy sort o' way, and, as soon as
+they don't get wot they want, fly into a temper and ask me who, I think I
+am.  I told one woman once not to be silly, and I shall never forget it
+as long as I live-never.  For all I know, she's wearing a bit o' my 'air
+in a locket to this day, and very likely boasting that I gave it to her.
+
+"Talking of her reminds me of another woman.  There was a Cap'n Pinner,
+used to trade between 'ere and Hull on a schooner named the Snipe.  Nice
+little craft she was, and 'e was a very nice feller.  Many and many's the
+pint we've 'ad together, turn and turn-about, and the on'y time we ever
+'ad a cross word was when somebody hid his clay pipe in my beer and 'e
+was foolish enough to think I'd done it.
+
+"He 'ad a nice little cottage, 'e told me about, near Hull, and 'is
+wife's father, a man of pretty near seventy, lived with 'em.  Well-off
+the old man was, and, as she was his only daughter, they looked to 'ave
+all his money when he'd gorn.  Their only fear was that 'e might marry
+agin, and, judging from wot 'e used to tell me about the old man, I
+thought it more than likely.
+
+"'If it wasn't for my missis he'd ha' been married over and over agin,'
+he ses one day.  'He's like a child playing with gunpowder.'
+
+"''Ow would it be to let 'im burn hisself a bit?' I ses.
+
+"'If you was to see some o' the gunpowder he wants to play with, you
+wouldn't talk like that,' ses the cap'n.  'You'd know better.  The on'y
+thing is to keep 'em apart, and my pore missis is wore to a shadder a-
+doing of it.'
+
+"It was just about a month arter that that he brought the old man up to
+London with 'im.  They 'ad some stuff to put out at Smith's Wharf,
+t'other side of the river, afore they came to us, and though they was
+on'y there four or five days, it was long enough for that old man to get
+into trouble.
+
+"The skipper told me about it ten minutes arter they was made snug in the
+inner berth 'ere.  He walked up and down like a man with a raging
+toothache, and arter follering 'im up and down the wharf till I was tired
+out, I discovered that 'is father-in-law 'ad got 'imself mixed up with a
+widder-woman ninety years old and weighing twenty stun.  Arter he 'ad
+cooled down a bit, and I 'ad given 'im a few little pats on the shoulder,
+'e made it forty-eight years old and fourteen stun.
+
+"'He's getting ready to go and meet her now,' he ses, 'and wot my
+missis'll say to me, I don't know.'
+
+"His father-in-law came up on deck as 'e spoke, and began to brush
+'imself all over with a clothesbrush.  Nice-looking little man 'e was,
+with blue eyes, and a little white beard, cut to a point, and dressed up
+in a serge suit with brass buttons, and a white yachting cap.  His real
+name was Mr. Finch, but the skipper called 'im Uncle Dick, and he took
+such a fancy to me that in five minutes I was calling 'im Uncle Dick too.
+
+"'Time I was moving,' he ses, by and by.  'I've got an app'intment.'
+
+"'Oh! who with?' ses the skipper, pretending not to know.
+
+"'Friend o' mine, in the army,' ses the old man, with a wink at me.  'So
+long.'
+
+"He went off as spry as a boy, and as soon as he'd gorn the skipper
+started walking back'ards and for'ards agin, and raving.
+
+"'Let's 'ope as he's on'y amusing 'imself,' I ses.
+
+"'Wait till you see 'er,' ses the skipper; 'then you won't talk
+foolishness.'
+
+"As it 'appened she came back with Uncle Dick that evening, to see 'im
+safe, and I see at once wot sort of a woman it was.  She 'adn't been on
+the wharf five minutes afore you'd ha' thought it belonged to 'er, and
+when she went and sat on the schooner it seemed to be about 'arf its
+size.  She called the skipper Tom, and sat there as cool as you please
+holding Uncle Dick's 'and, and patting it.
+
+"I took the skipper round to the 'Bull's Head' arter she 'ad gorn, and I
+wouldn't let 'im say a word until he had 'ad two pints.  He felt better
+then, and some o' the words 'e used surprised me.
+
+"'Wot's to be done?' he ses at last.  'You see 'ow it is, Bill.'
+
+"'Can't you get 'im away?' I ses.  'Who is she, and wot's 'er name?'
+
+"'Her name,' ses the skipper, 'her name is Jane Maria Elizabeth Muffit,
+and she lives over at Rotherhithe.'
+
+"'She's very likely married already,' I ses.
+
+"'Her 'usband died ten years ago,' ses the skipper; 'passed away in 'is
+sleep.  Overlaid, I should say.'
+
+"He sat there smoking, and I sat there thinking.  Twice 'e spoke to me,
+and I held my 'and up and said 'H'sh.' Then I turned to 'im all of a
+sudden and pinched his arm so hard he nearly dropped 'is beer.
+
+"'Is Uncle Dick a nervous man?' I ses.
+
+"'Nervous is no name for it,' he ses, staring.
+
+"'Very good, then,' I ses.  'I'll send 'er husband to frighten 'im.'
+
+"The skipper looked at me very strange.  'Yes,' he ses.  'Yes.  Yes.'
+
+"'Frighten 'im out of 'is boots, and make him give 'er up,' I ses.  'Or
+better still, get 'im to run away and go into hiding for a time.  That
+'ud be best, in case 'e found out.'
+
+"'Found out wot?' ses the skipper.
+
+"'Found out it wasn't 'er husband,' I ses.
+
+"'Bill,' ses the skipper, very earnest, 'this is the fust beer I've 'ad
+to-day, and I wish I could say the same for you.'
+
+"I didn't take 'im at fast, but when I did I gave a laugh that brought in
+two more customers to see wot was the matter.  Then I took 'im by the
+arm--arter a little trouble--and, taking 'im back to the wharf, explained
+my meaning to 'im.
+
+"'I know the very man,' I ses.  'He comes into a public-'ouse down my way
+sometimes.  Artful 'Arry, he's called, and, for 'arf-a-quid, say, he'd
+frighten Uncle Dick 'arf to death.  He's big and ugly, and picks up a
+living by selling meerschaum pipes he's found to small men wot don't want
+'em.  Wonderful gift o' the gab he's got.'
+
+"We went acrost to the 'Albion' to talk it over.  There's several bars
+there, and the landlady always keeps cotton-wool in 'er ears, not 'aving
+been brought up to the public line.  The skipper told me all 'e knew
+about Mrs. Muffit, and we arranged that Artful 'Arry should come down at
+seven o'clock next night, if so be as I could find 'im in time.
+
+"I got up early the next arternoon, and as it 'appened, he came into the
+'Duke of Edinburgh' five minutes arter I got there.  Nasty temper 'e was
+in, too.  He'd just found a meerschaum pipe, as usual, and the very fust
+man 'e tried to sell it to said that it was the one 'e lost last
+Christmas, and gave 'im a punch in the jaw for it.
+
+"'He's a thief, that's wot he is,' ses 'Arry; 'and I 'ate thiefs.  'Ow's
+a honest tradesman to make a living when there's people like that about?'
+
+"I stood 'im 'arf a pint, and though it hurt 'im awful to drink it, he
+said 'ed 'ave another just to see if he could bear the pain.  Arter he
+had 'ad three 'e began for to take a more cheerful view o' life, and told
+me about a chap that spent three weeks in the London 'Orsepittle for
+calling 'im a liar.
+
+"'Treat me fair,' he ses, 'and I'll treat other people fair.  I never
+broke my word without a good reason for it, and that's more than
+everybody can say.  If I told you the praise I've 'ad from some people
+you wouldn't believe it.'
+
+"I let 'im go on till he 'ad talked 'imself into a good temper, and then I
+told 'im of the little job I 'ad got for 'im.  He listened quiet till I
+'ad finished, and then he shook 'is 'ead.
+
+"'It ain't in my line,' he ses.
+
+"'There's 'arf a quid 'anging to it,' I ses.
+
+"'Arry shook his 'ead agin.  'Tain't enough, mate,' he ses.  'If you was
+to make it a quid I won't say as I mightn't think of it.'
+
+"I 'ad told the skipper that it might cost 'im a quid, so I knew 'ow far
+I could go; and at last, arter 'Arry 'ad got as far as the door three
+times, I gave way.
+
+"'And I'll 'ave it now,' he ses, 'to prevent mistakes.'
+
+"'No, 'Arry,' I ses, very firm.  'Besides, it ain't my money, you see.'
+
+"'You mean to say you don't trust me,' 'e ses, firing up.
+
+"'I'd trust you with untold gold,' I ses, 'but not with a real quid;
+you're too fond of a joke, 'Arry.'
+
+"We 'ad another long argyment about it, and I had to tell 'im plain at
+last that when I wanted to smell 'is fist, I'd say so.
+
+"'You turn up at the wharf at five minutes to seven,' I ses, 'and I'll
+give you ten bob of it; arter you've done your business I'll give you the
+other.  Come along quiet, and you'll see me waiting at the gate for you.'
+
+"He gave way arter a time, and, fust going 'ome for a cup o' tea, I went
+on to the wharf to tell the skipper 'ow things stood.
+
+"'It couldn't 'ave 'appened better,' he ses.  'Uncle Dick is sure to be
+aboard at that time, 'cos 'e's going acrost the water at eight o'clock to
+pay 'er a visit.  And all the hands'll be away.  I've made sure of that.'
+
+"He gave me the money for Artful 'Arry in two 'arf-suverins, and then we
+went over to the 'Albion' for a quiet glass and a pipe, and to wait for
+seven o'clock.
+
+"I left 'im there at ten minutes to, and at five minutes to, punctual to
+the minute, I see 'Arry coming along swinging a thick stick with a knob
+on the end of it.
+
+"'Where's the 'arf thick-un?' he ses, looking round to see that the coast
+was clear.
+
+"I gave it to 'im, and arter biting it in three places and saying it was
+a bit short in weight he dropped it in 'is weskit-pocket and said 'e was
+ready.
+
+"I left 'im there for a minute while I went and 'ad a look round.  The
+deck of the Snipe was empty, but I could 'ear Uncle Dick down in the
+cabin singing; and, arter listening for a few seconds to make sure that
+it was singing, I went back and beckoned to 'Arry.
+
+"'He's down in the cabin,' I ses, pointing.  'Don't overdo it, 'Arry, and
+at the same time don't underdo it, as you might say.'
+
+"'I know just wot you want,' ses 'Arry, 'and if you'd got the 'art of a
+man in you, you'd make it two quids.'
+
+"He climbed on board and stood listening for a moment at the companion,
+and then 'e went down, while I went off outside the gate, so as to be out
+of earshot in case Uncle Dick called for me.  I knew that I should 'ear
+all about wot went on arterwards--and I did.
+
+"Artful 'Arry went down the companion-ladder very quiet, and then stood
+at the foot of it looking at Uncle Dick.  He looked 'im up and down and
+all over, and then 'e gave a fierce, loud cough.
+
+"'Good-evening,' he ses.
+
+"'Good-evening,' ses Uncle Dick, staring at 'im.  'Did you want to see
+anybody?'
+
+"'I did,' ses 'Arry.  'I do.  And when I see 'im I'm going to put my arms
+round 'im and twist 'is neck; then I'm going to break every bone in 'is
+body, and arter that I'm going to shy 'im overboard to pison the fishes
+with.'
+
+"'Dear me!' ses Uncle Dick, shifting away as far as 'e could.
+
+"'I ain't 'ad a wink o' sleep for two nights,' ses 'Arry--'not ever since
+I 'eard of it.  When I think of all I've done for that woman-working for
+'er, and such-like-my blood boils.  When I think of her passing 'erself
+off as a widder--my widder--and going out with another man, I don't know
+wot to do with myself.'
+
+"Uncle Dick started and turned pale.  Fust 'e seemed as if 'e was going
+to speak, and then 'e thought better of it.  He sat staring at 'Arry as
+if 'e couldn't believe his eyes.
+
+"'Wot would you do with a man like that?' ses 'Arry.  'I ask you, as man
+to man, wot would you do to 'im?'
+
+"'P'r'aps-p'r'aps 'e didn't know,' ses Uncle Dick, stammering.
+
+"'Didn't know!' ses 'Arry.  'Don't care, you mean.  We've got a nice
+little 'ome, and, just because I've 'ad to leave it and lay low for a bit
+for knifing a man, she takes advantage of it.  And it ain't the fust
+time, neither.  Wot's the matter?'
+
+"'Touch-touch of ague; I get it sometimes,' ses Uncle Dick.
+
+"'I want to see this man Finch,' ses 'Arry, shaking 'is knobby stick.
+'Muffit, my name is, and I want to tell 'im so.'
+
+"Uncle Dick nearly shook 'imself on to the floor.
+
+"'I--I'll go and see if 'e's in the fo'c'sle,' he ses at last.
+
+"'He ain't there, 'cos I've looked,' ses 'Arry, 'arf shutting 'is eyes and
+looking at 'im hard.  'Wot might your name be?'
+
+"'My name's Finch,' ses Uncle Dick, putting out his 'ands to keep him
+off; 'but I thought she was a widder.  She told me her 'usband died ten
+years ago; she's deceived me as well as you.  I wouldn't ha' dreamt of
+taking any notice of 'er if I'd known.  Truth, I wouldn't.  I should'nt
+ha' dreamt of such a thing.'
+
+"Artful 'Arry played with 'is stick a little, and stood looking at 'im
+with a horrible look on 'is face.
+
+"''Ow am I to know you're speaking the truth?' he ses, very slow.  'Eh?
+'Ow can you prove it?'
+
+"'If it was the last word I was to speak I'd say the same,' ses Uncle
+Dick.  'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe.'
+
+"'If that's true,' ses 'Arry, 'she's deceived both of us.  Now, if I let
+you go will you go straight off and bring her 'ere to me?'
+
+"'I will,' ses Uncle Dick, jumping up.
+
+"''Arf a mo,' ses 'Arry, holding up 'is stick very quick.  'One thing is,
+if you don't come back, I'll 'ave you another day.  I can't make up my
+mind wot to do.  I can't think--I ain't tasted food for two days.  If I
+'ad any money in my pocket I'd 'ave a bite while you're gone.'
+
+"'Why not get something?' ses Uncle Dick, putting his 'and in his pocket,
+in a great 'urry to please him, and pulling out some silver.
+
+"'Arry said 'e would, and then he stood on one side to let 'im pass, and
+even put the knobby stick under 'im to help 'im up the companion-ladder.
+
+"Uncle Dick passed me two minutes arterwards without a word, and set off
+down the road as fast as 'is little legs 'ud carry 'im.  I watched 'im
+out o' sight, and then I went on board the schooner to see how 'Arry 'ad
+got on.
+
+"Arry,' I ses, when he 'ad finished, 'you're a masterpiece!'
+
+"'I know I am,' he ses.  'Wot about that other 'arf-quid?'
+
+"'Here it is,' I ses, giving it to 'im.  'Fair masterpiece, that's wot
+you are.  They may well call you Artful.  Shake 'ands.'
+
+"I patted 'im on the shoulder arter we 'ad shook 'ands, and we stood
+there smiling at each other and paying each other compliments.
+
+"'Fancy 'em sitting 'ere and waiting for you to come back from that
+bite,' I ses.
+
+"'I ought to 'ave 'ad more off of him,' ses 'Arry.  ''Owever, it can't be
+helped.  I think I'll 'ave a lay down for a bit; I'm tired.'
+
+"'Better be off,' I ses, shaking my 'ead.  'Time passes, and they might
+come back afore you think.'
+
+"'Well, wot of it?' ses 'Arry.
+
+"'Wot of it?' I ses.  'Why, it'ud spoil everything.  It 'ud be blue
+ruin.'
+
+"'Are you sure?' ses 'Arry'.
+
+"'Sartin,' I ses.
+
+"'Well, make it five quid, and I'll go, then,' he ses, sitting down agin.
+
+"I couldn't believe my ears at fust, but when I could I drew myself up
+and told 'im wot I thought of 'im; and he sat there and laughed at me.
+
+"'Why, you called me a masterpiece just now,' he ses.  'I shouldn't be
+much of a masterpiece if I let a chance like this slip.  Why, I shouldn't
+be able to look myself in the face.  Where's the skipper?'
+
+"'Sitting in the "Albion",' I ses, 'arf choking.
+
+"'Go and tell 'im it's five quid,' ses 'Arry.  'I don't mean five more,
+on'y four.  Some people would ha' made it five, but I like to deal square
+and honest.'
+
+"I run over for the skipper in a state of mind that don't bear thinking
+of, and he came back with me, 'arf crazy.  When we got to the cabin we
+found the door was locked, and, arter the skipper 'ad told Artful wot
+he'd do to 'im if he didn't open it, he 'ad to go on deck and talk to 'im
+through the skylight.
+
+"'If you ain't off of my ship in two twos,' he ses, 'I'll fetch a
+policeman.'
+
+"'You go and fetch four pounds,' ses 'Arry; 'that's wot I'm waiting for,
+not a policeman.  Didn't the watchman tell you?'
+
+"'The bargain was for one pound,' ses the skipper, 'ardly able to speak.
+
+"'Well, you tell that to the policeman,' ses Artful 'Arry.
+
+"It was no use, he'd got us every way; and at last the skipper turns out
+'is pockets, and he ses, 'Look 'ere,' he ses, 'I've got seventeen and
+tenpence ha' penny.  Will you go if I give you that?'
+
+"''Ow much has the watchman got?' ses 'Arry.  'His lodger lost 'is purse
+the other day.'
+
+"I'd got two and ninepence, as it 'appened, and then there was more
+trouble because the skipper wouldn't give 'im the money till he 'ad gone,
+and 'e wouldn't go till he 'ad got it.  The skipper gave way at last, and
+as soon as he 'ad got it 'Arry ses, 'Now 'op off and borrer the rest, and
+look slippy about it.'
+
+"I put one hand over the skipper's mouth fust, and then, finding that was
+no good, I put the other.  It was no good wasting bad langwidge on 'Arry.
+
+"I pacified the skipper at last, and arter 'Arry 'ad swore true 'e'd go
+when 'e'd got the money, the skipper rushed round to try and raise it.
+It's a difficult job at the best o' times, and I sat there on the
+skylight shivering and wondering whether the skipper or Mrs. Muffit would
+turn up fust.
+
+"Hours seemed to pass away, and then I see the wicket in the gate open,
+and the skipper come through.  He jumped on deck without a word, and
+then, going over to the skylight, 'anded down the money to 'Arry.
+
+"'Right-o,' ses 'Arry.  'It on'y shows you wot you can do by trying.'
+
+"He unlocked the door and came up on deck, looking at us very careful,
+and playing with 'is stick.
+
+"'You've got your money,' ses the skipper; 'now go as quick as you can.'
+
+"'Arry smiled and nodded at him.  Then he stepped on to the wharf and was
+just moving to the gate, with us follering, when the wicket opened and in
+came Mrs. Muffit and Uncle Dick.
+
+"'There he is,' ses Uncle Dick.  'That's the man!'
+
+"Mrs. Muffit walked up to 'im, and my 'art a'most stopped beating.  Her
+face was the colour of beetroot with temper, and you could 'ave heard her
+breath fifty yards away.
+
+"'Ho!' she says, planting 'erself in front of Artful 'Arry, 'so you're
+the man that ses you're my 'usband, are you?'
+
+"'That's all right,' ses 'Arry, 'it's all a mistake.'
+
+"'MISTAKE?' ses Mrs. Muffit.
+
+"'Mistake o' Bill's,' ses 'Arry, pointing to me.  'I told 'im I thought
+'e was wrong, but 'e would 'ave it.  I've got a bad memory, so I left it
+to 'im.'
+
+"'Ho!' ses Mrs. Muffit, taking a deep breath.  'Ho!  I thought as much.
+Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself--eh?'
+
+"She turned on me like a wild cat, with her 'ands in front of her.  I've
+been scratched once in my life, and I wasn't going to be agin, so, fixing
+my eyes on 'er, I just stepped back a bit, ready for 'er.  So long as I
+kept my eye fixed on 'ers she couldn't do anything.  I knew that.
+Unfortunately I stepped back just a inch too far, and next moment I went
+over back'ards in twelve foot of water.
+
+"Arter all, p'r'aps it was the best thing that could have 'appened to me;
+it stopped her talking.  It ain't the fust time I've 'ad a wet jacket;
+but as for the skipper, and pore Uncle Dick--wot married her--they've
+been in hot water ever since."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Skilled Assistance, by W.W. Jacobs
+
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