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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/10508-0.txt b/10508-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..88d3b15 --- /dev/null +++ b/10508-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4236 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10508 *** + +THE SORROWS OF A SHOW GIRL + +A STORY OF THE GREAT "WHITE WAY" + +BY KENNETH MCGAFFEY + +1908 + + + + + + + +These Stories were originally printed in +_The Morning Telegraph_, New York. + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +Chapter + + +Explanation + + 1 Sabrina Discourses Theatrical Conditions + + 2 The Carrier Pigeon as a Benefit to Humanity + + 3 Sabrina Receives Money from an Unexpected Source + + 4 Sabrina Receives Her Fortune and Says Farewell to the Hall Bedroom + + 5 Sabrina Visits Her Patents in Emporia, and Shocks that Staid Town + + 6 Details of How Sabrina Stood Emporia on Edge and was Ejected + Therefrom + + 7 The Chorus Girls' Union Gave their Annual Ball + + 8 Sabrina Falls In Love with a Press Agent with Hectic Chatter + + 9 Sabrina Returns to the Chorus, so that She Can Keep Her Automobile + Without Causing Comment + +10 Sabrina and Her Former Room-mate Involved in an Argument at a + Beefsteak Party + +11 The Dramatic Possibilities of the "Mangled Doughnut" + +12 Sabrina Passes a Few Remarks on Love, Comedians, and Spring Millinery + +13 Sabrina Scores a Great Personal Success + +14 Methods of the House Breakers' Association Disclosed + +15 Sabrina Denounces the Male Sex as Being All Alike, and Threatens to + Take the Veil + +16 After Investigating the Country Atmosphere Carefully, Sabrina Says + the Only Healthful Ozone is Out of a Champagne Bottle + +17 Sabrina Visits the Racetrack and Returns with Money + +18 A Pink Whiskered Bark Tries to Convert the Merry-merry + +19 Sabrina Advises Chorus Girls, Charging Time for their Company + +20 Sabrina is Married and Goes Abroad on Her Wedding Trip + + + + +EXPLANATION. + + +In the following chapters some of Sabrina's remarks are likely to cause +the reader to elevate his eyebrows in suspicion as to her true +character. + +In order to set myself right with both the public and the vast army of +Sabrinas that add youth and beauty to our stage, and brilliancy and +gaiety to our well known cafes, I wish to say that she is all that she +should be. She is a young lady who, no matter how old she may be, does +not look it. She is always well dressed, perhaps a little in advance of +the fashion, but invariably in good taste. Among strangers or in public +places her conduct is all that could be desired, while with those of her +own set she becomes more familiar and may occasionally lapse into slang. + +Fate may compel her to earn her own living or she may receive an income +from a source that has nothing to do with these stories. Any person +without the circle of theatrical or newspaper life is looked upon as an +interloper by Sabrina and treated accordingly. Hundreds of her like may +be found any evening after the theatre in the cafes and restaurants of +the "wiseacres" known as the "Tenderloin." + +KENNETH MCGAFFEY. + + + + + In which Sabrina rushes on the scene and begins to discourse + breathlessly on theatrical conditions, boobs that send poetry + for presents, the tribulations of hunting employment, and the + outlook for a New Year's dinner. + + + +CHAPTER ONE + + +"Ain't it appalling," demanded Sabrina, the Show Girl, "ain't it +appalling the way the show game has gone to the morgue this season? + +"I never seen nothing like it since I been in the business, and while I +ain't going to flash no family Bible that's been some time. Why, shows +that were making money if they played to thirty-two dollars on the day +just naturally died. Me? You know I wasn't hep to the outlook. I come +prancing into town fresh from doing one-night stands through the +uncultured West. We did bum business for fair, but shucks, there ain't +five dollars' worth of real money in all of Southern Kansas at no time. +Salaries! Huh! I had to send home for money to pay my fines with. I +cavort gaily out to hunt a job and find a line from Mr. Seymour's office +that made the run on the Knickerbocker Trust Company look like the +nightly window sale of 'The Evangelist.' I never seen so many of my +friends in town at one time in my life, and if you make a noise like a +dollar-bill anywhere between the two Flatirons you're liable to be the +center of a raging mob. I heard it breathed that all the theatrical +storehouses in town were playing to S.R.O. + +"I got a chance to shake down a little change as prima donna with a +turkey show. What do you know about that? I played with one last +Thanksgiving, and--excuse these tears--it was a college town and the +show was on the blink. 'Nough said. The manager hasn't left there yet. + +"Oh, Listerine, have you heard the news? Alia McGraw has turned poetess. +You know she always was peculiar. I was visiting her the other evening +in her dressing room when she declared that she was going to give up her +dramatic art and go to painting word pictures. Whatever they are. You +see it was this way: She had a boob on her staff who was paying her his +devoted attention. According to her statistics that's all he ever did +pay for. Well, he commenced doing advance work about a present he was +going to give her until he got poor Alla to thinking that it was nothing +less than an automobile, and she treated him accordingly. One morning a +messenger boy makes his entrance into the flat and hands her a book. Can +you beat that? The only thing that kept Alia from foaming at the mouth +was because she was combing her Dutch braid. It--the book--was called a +Rubaiyat by Omar Quinine, or something like that. This Omar party never +wrote a comic opera in his life. But Alla wasn't discouraged, for she +looked through every page in hopes of finding a Clearing House +certificate, but not a leaf stirred. All she came across was a marked +verse that went something like this: + + "A book of verse underneath a bough, + A Jug of wine, a loaf of bread and thou + Beside me sitting in the wilderness-- + Oh, wilderness is Paradise enow. + +"Did you ever hear of such a short sport? Wanted to buy it by the keg +and go sit under a tree in Bronx Park. As soon as Alla run out of +language she sat down and in less than three hours doped out an answer. +I got it here on the back of her laundry list: + + + "A book of verse is not what I can use, + But give me, if still my love is thine, + A wine list from which to pick and choose. + Cut out the shady bough for mine. + + "Give your bough to some nice 'feller,' + And if you would make my life sublime + Put me in some cool rathskeller + And we'll forget the jug of wine. + + "Wine in a jug! What do I hear? + Not with a loaf of bread and thou, + A cheese sandwich and a glass of beer, + Unless you've changed your brand ere now. + + "This sitting in the wilderness may be fine + For those who the realms of nature seek, + A restaurant is at least a paradise divine + With payday on the first of every week. + + +"I guess maybe that won't show him up! Ain't it just glorious? It's +kinda wabbly on its feet, but just think, it's her first attempt. She +said there were a lot more things she could say, but even her desire to +be a poetess wouldn't let her forget that she was a lady. Alla told me +that the height of her ambition was to write the words of a popular song +and have Harry Von Seltzer sing it in the College Inn. She can't ever +make a hit as a poem producer though 'cause she hasn't got high cheek +bones and teeth like a squirrel. Alla was pensive all through the first +act, and while she was making her change from a lady-in-waiting to a +bathing girl she remarked that she was going to write an ode--past tense +of I O U, I guess--entitled 'Thoughts on Hearing Ben Teal Conduct a +Chorus Rehearsal.' They won't let her publish it. + +"What do you know about the new law about tanks having to have their +names on the barroom door? I see where the Metropole will lose money +unless they furnish disguises to their steady customers. Can you imagine +the suspense certain parties will feel when they rush into a shop for +their early morning 'thought mop' and have to cling to the bar while +Arthur looks up their past performances in Bingham's Bartenders' Guide. + +"A gentleman friend had the kindness to extend me courtesies to 'The +Witching Hour' the other evening, and listen to muh: There is some class +to that show. Ain't you seen it? It's a song and dance about this mental +telepathy gag. There is a gambling gentleman who can tell a poker hand +every time. The only reason he ain't a heiress is because his conscience +jumps up and gives him a kick in the face. This party in the play +influences people's minds. He thinks of something, and people miles away +think of the same thing. All the same wireless. Take it from me, there's +a whole lot to it at that. I was out with a kind friend the other +evening whose general disposition is to try and make Frank Daniels look +like a spendthrift, so I knew it would be beer for mine unless I made a +great mental effort, so all the way up the street in the taxicab I just +held thumbs and concentrated my mind--I saw more new style hats, +too--and said to myself, 'For Heaven's sake, order wine,' 'Please loosen +up and order wine.' All to myself, you understand, never once out loud, +for though I am in the business I don't seek the reputation as a working +girl. + +"Well I hope I may never look a lobster in the face again. No, I am not +speaking of this party. But I hope I may never look a lobster in the +face again if he didn't swell all up, prance into the eat hut and say +careless like over his shoulder to the waiter, 'A bottle of that Brut.' +Just like that. I tried the concentration gag on him for a pearl ring he +had on, thinking I had him under the gypsy curse, but there was a person +who had the nerve to call herself a lady who had been saying things +about me sitting at another table with a Harry who had led me to believe +that I was his own little Star of Hope, and I just couldn't get my mind +centered. + +"Honest to goodness, I don't know what I'll do unless I find work. My +suite of apartments is reduced now to one hall room and a closet, and +the Dennett & Child's circuit is beginning to look like K. & E. booking. +The only thing I can think of for me to do is to get engaged and hock +the betrothal ring for a meal ticket. + +"Me for roller skates. Here I've been hunting a job until I wore out two +pair of these Sorosis things and not a bush shakes. Can't even sign a +contract for a Friday night amateur contest. By gum, I'd take a job +barking for a snake race. I had an offer to go into vaudeville. What do +you know about that? The act hasn't any time yet, but it will get time +as soon as it makes good, and to make good all its needs is a trial +performance, and the backer thinks he knows where he can get a trial +performance, and to get ready for the trial performance will require +about five weeks' rehearsal at nix per week. Do you think a stunt like +that is worthy of my attention? Adversity does sure land on the poor +chorus doll with both feet at every stage of the game. + +"I was reading in the paper the other day that some old pappy guy out in +Chi was making a noisy fuss that the chorus ladies stay up too late +nights. I wish somebody would show him to me, that's all I ask, just +show him to me. I suppose old Pink Whiskers was a chorus man once +himself and has got all the dope on the subject. So we stay up late, do +we? I suppose he will be wanting us to read helpful books instead of +making up, next. To my mind, of course I may be wrong, but to my mind +the staying up late nights ain't half as bad as getting up in the +morning. Of course, I don't know who or what this old wop is that made +this crack, but if he thinks we spend most of our time in sinful +idleness he'd better copper his bet. All we do is rehearse all morning, +matinee all afternoon, performance all evening and travel all night. The +rest of the time we have to ourselves, and he thinks we frivol. Why, he +ain't wise to half the privations they force on us. Would you believe +it? I have gone forty weeks without never even catching a glimpse of +Broadway, and once went for ten without even a cheese sandwich to bring +gladness to my heart. Can you beat that? And then he goes and turns +loose a rebel yell because when we do get a little time to ourselves we +stay up late nights. Oh, Mellen's Food! When does he want us to stay up? +Mornings? Some wise boy once said, 'Early to bed, early to rise, but you +don't meet any prominent people,' and I guess maybe he wasn't right. He +got the number then all right, all right, and he didn't have to speak +harsh to Central at that. We gotta do something to amuse ourselves, and +I never had a traveling gentleman yet conduct me to a watch meeting. A +girl comes out of the stage door tired and lonesome; some village cut-up +prances out and gets acquainted; the girl is hungry, so why not? Perhaps +she is sending money home every week and can't afford a little lunch +after the show herself. No, that's no taproom jest. There is more than +one of the merry-merry putting her little sister through school and +don't you forget it for a minute. And he gets sore because we stay up +late nights. He'd better roll another pill, get at the cause and then +hang the curfew on a few of those town romps. If he hands out another +song and dance number like that again, send him up to me, I'll give him +a bunch of inside info that will make him think something broke loose. + +"I managed to slip in and see 'The Talk of New York' the other night. +Say, that's a great play. Did you get wise to the way that Kid Burns +party juggles the loose talk? I don't believe there ever was a party +that slings slang the way that guy does. My mother was always particular +about my bringing up, and if I ever passed out any of this George Cohan +style of repartee she would give me a slap on the map and tell me to +chase back and handle my harangue as per Mr. Webster. So, though I have +traveled about a bit, I still retain my pure English, even when I lose +my temper, which is going some for a lady. + +"What am I going to do New Year's? I know one thing. I ain't going to +play an encore to the sozzle session number I pulled off last season. +Didn't you hear about it? Evidently you were not on Broadway last New +Year's Eve. A couple of young ladies and myself were playing a +progressive hell party all up and down the main street. You see, you +play it this way. A guy comes up and blows a horn in your ear. You swat +the horn quickly on the end with your hand. If the guy swallows more +than half the horn you win and are allowed to 'phone for the ambulance. +But that was only a prelude to the main event. Ah, me! I blush to +chronicle it. There were so many shows in town that the supply of +college students didn't come up to the demand, and as me and the bunch +had sorta turned them down after they went and lost all their money on +the Thanksgiving game, so we had an intimation that developed into a +hunch that our little 'welcome' mat on the doorstep would not be crowded +with an eager throng. We engaged a couple of window tables at the Cafe +des Beaux Minks realizing that though we were not in the money we were +still on the track. This was last New Year's Eve. New Year's afternoon +we held a reception up at Miss Verneaque's flat, took up a collection +for the widows and orphans and cleared $4.43 apiece on it. The place got +pinched and we all had to hide on the roof until the cops beat it. But +not for me this year. Me for the peaceful kind of a celebration. I don't +know what to do. The only people I have on my calling list now are the +agents, and they will all be home splashing in the egg-nog. + +"Gee, but I wish I was home. Was you ever in a country town on a New +Year's Day? Say, list. Sixty laughs in sixty minutes looks like a busy +day at the morgue compared to the laughs they hand out in one of those +one-night stand dumps. The Sons of Temperance all go out and get a bun +on ad lib. and everybody inhales good cheer. I sang in the choir. Honest +I did, but it didn't take. I got a silver cigarette case yet the +choirmaster gave me. But no home this year; me to the Cafe des Enfants. +What? Will I? Don't make such a foolish noise. I'll be there with my +hair in a braid. Two-thirty at Hector's. Say, you've got the Good +Samaritan looking like a rent collector. So long." + + + + + In which Sabrina discloses a little of her past and those of the + members of the company, tells how she was a bridesmaid and goes + into detail in regard to the benefit to humanity of having + carrier pigeons trained to rush the growler. + + + +CHAPTER TWO + + +I was strolling down Broadway the other afternoon with Oscar when we +happened to meet Miss Sabrina, the show girl. I introduced them, of +course, and then retired to the background. This is what followed: + +"I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Jenkins. I've heard the party here +speak of you." + +"Yes; and I have heard him say several nice things about you." + +"Is that so?" + +"Sure. But don't take it to heart; he means well." + +"Well, I can only say he treats me like a true friend." + +"Speaking of treats, I'll buy the beer." + +"My goodness! Ain't you afraid of catching cold--taking so much money +out of your clothes all at once?" + +"What was that you handed out? Come again, please." + +"I merely remarked that it was awful kind of you." + +"Oh, that's all right; I always was careless with my money." + +"I always like this place; it reminds me so much of the back of the drug +store in Emporia." + +"Then you are from the West, Miss De Vear." + +"Oh, yes, indeed, I'm a Western girl pure and simple--" + +"You said, 'pure and simple,' did you not?" + +"I most certainly did, and I'd like to see the party that's got anything +on me. I come from a dead swell family, I do. I may be only a poor +chorus girl, but by gosh! I was brung up right. Did you know that I was +featured for three seasons in the church choir in my home town and would +have had it for life if the stage manag--I mean the choirmaster hadn't +forgot he was a gentleman; so I just quit rather than cause talk. Why, +would you believe it?--my father was mayor of Emporia for nearly two +terms. You'd be surprised if I told you my real name and some of the +people I am related to. Say, what are you going to do with that book? +Trying to dope out whether you can buy another drink, I suppose." + +"No. I'm just keeping track of the girls I met whose fathers are mayors +of towns. I've got forty-seven for Providence, R.I., fifteen for Peoria, +Ill., ten for Atlanta, Ga., and your two makes seven for Emporia. I've +got fifty-three for chief of police, twenty-one fire captains, and +eleven postmas--" + +"Excuse me, but are you trying to infer that I am telling an untruth?" + +"Oh, forget it! Can't you stand a little jolly without going up in the +air?" + +"Well, I'll accept your apology, but I don't like to have people casting +slurs on my pa and ma, and beer wont appease my wrath when I feel like a +highball. + +"Go as far as you like. I was only ordering what I thought you were +accustomed to." + +"Say, Mr. Percival B. Fresh, you certainly are the village wag when it +comes to the Oriental repartee, ain't you?" + +"Sure I am, but I have to go to the mat when they commence to dish out +this Emporia humor. Oh. Laza! Do you care for the one in red?" + +"Of course I may go wrong, but in my mind no gentleman would make +remarks about another girl when he is with a lady." + +"Say, girlie, you're all right--lovely hair, beautiful eyes and all +that--but cut it; drop in your penny and get wise to yourself. That's a +great show you are with." + +"When was you out front?" + +"Night before last." + +"Night before last! My Heavens! Wasn't I a sight? You know the girl I +dress with had been out to a wine supper and she came splashing into the +dressing room lit up like a show window and cried my makeup box full of +tears over the death of her baby sister, and the way I had to put it on +I thought was sure good for a fine, and to make matters worse some hussy +got next to all my toothpicks and I had to use a hairpin for a liner; +but did you notice the way that cat of a soubrette keeps me out of the +spotlight? Professional jealousy, that's all; but it don't do me no good +to kick, because the stage manager sends her silk stockings and that +kind of junk, while the best I get is a chance to hold hands with the +electrician; but, of course, he gets his orders." + +"Say, that piece of work that stands on the end opposite you is all to +the berries, ain't she?" + +"Her!" + +"Surest thing you know. She looks like a night-blooming pippin to me." + +"My, gracious, Mr. Jenkins, I never knocked a living soul, but I don't +mind telling you as a friend that I personally would not degrade myself +by speaking to her, and of course you know that the hair she wears is +not her own. I haven't a thing in the world against the poor creature, +but it has been breathed around the company that she is not all she +should be. Of course, I don't know positively, but it is what everybody +says, and I only wish she would make good with that four bits of mine." + +"Well, I'm glad there's no hard feeling between you two, as I would like +to meet her." + +"I'm very sorry, but you will have to pardon me if I refuse to give you +a knockdown, for I would steer no friend of a friend of mine up against +a flim flam where there's so many nice girls running loose. Take Tessie +Samonies, for example, she ain't very pretty, but she's awfully cute, +and after she gets a couple of sloe gins boosted into her she certainly +is the life of the party." + +"All right, frame it up for me and I'll open wine or a window or +something to show that I'm a true sport." + +"You bet I will, and we'll have a nice little family party, no knocking +or nothing; just sit and talk real friendly like." + +"That's the idea and if anyone starts the anvil chorus they get the +skiddo. What? Who will we have?" + +"Well, let's see, we'll have Tessie and you, me and Silent Murphy +here--and let's see who else?" + +"Joe Zeweibaum and Miss Veronique." + +"Not yet. Joe is all right in a crowd if you can keep him from talking +about his sales, but the dame--not for me, for if there's any one gets +my goat she's it." + +"Shall we have Frank Millar and his first wife?" + +"Oh, heavings! No! For if we did his third wife would hear about it and +then she would knock me to my husband, for you know they are engaged, so +if she hears anything about me you can bet she plays it up strong." + +"Well, can't you think of some one else?" + +"No, I don't know a soul that is any good but us four. My goodness, I've +got to roll my hoop and do a shopping number, get my hair gargled--I +slept in it last night--and see a sick friend. + +"Fate sure does sic tribulations on me at every turn of the road. This +business of hunting employment has got to be so balmy that I snort and +jump sideways every time anybody says 'job.' + +"Now that the first of the year has kicked in, I thought everything +would be as merry as a marriage bell, but as yet there hasn't been a +ripple on the water. The only thing that acts as a star of hope to my +miserable existence is a date with a Summer stock that opens the first +of June, and there is a heap of smoke around that. I wish some one would +tip me off to some way of earning an honest living without having to +resort to a sock full of sand or a strong arm. But why be downhearted? I +haven't drunk up all my Christmas presents yet. As a last hope I can +load upon them and get some kind ambulance to drag me up to the dippy +department of some nice hospital. Honest, I am getting so thin that +before long I won't be able to understudy a drop of water in Mr. Hawk's +Hippodrome. + +"A nice gentleman presented himself to me on Broadway the other evening +and, after passing the compliments of the season, invited me out to +inhale a young table d'hote. The way I sprang to his side made a leap +for life seem like sinful idleness. And where do you think he took me? I +ask as a friend, Where do you think he took me? To one of those joints +where you get everything from soup to nuts, including a scuttle full of +red ink for thirty-five scudi. I was going to balk and rear in the +harness when he started to lead me up the steps of the foundry, but as I +always maintained discretion is the better part of valor, I'm two-bits +ahead anyway you play it. So I climb into the nosebag without a peep. +Yet--would you believe it?--when that wop came to cash in he shook the +mothballs out of a roll of bills that looked like nine miles' worth of +hall carpet. I had been acting very reserved heretofore, but when he +made this flash he commenced to look like a very dear friend of mine who +had been very kind to me in moments of adversity. I apprised him of the +fact, and the dog had the temerity to pin his pocket shut with a safety +pin right before my eyes. I come to find out later that he was a press +agent. Ain't it scandalous the way the Friars wine and dine the +dramatists every few weeks? I tried to agitate a bunch for the chorus +girls to give a dinner to Ben Teal or William Seymour, but while they +were all willing to be in on the big eat the way they ducked the +financial responsibilities would have made you think it was a +half-salary clause. + +"The other day I put my ear to the ground and then cavorted madly around +to Mr. Savage's office to see if there was anything doing in the 'Merry +Widow' line. The handsome gentleman on the other side of the desk +allowed a ripple of merriment to float over his features and then spake +as follows: 'All we got to do is to toll the bell in the old church +tower and nine companies will answer like the fire department.' You know +I could have gone with the Paris 'Prince of Pilson' company, but those +French gentlemen are so emotional. One tried to bite my ear in Jack's +the other night. + +"Did I tell you about Mamie de Vere becoming a bride again? She believes +in marrying at leisure and divorcing in haste. The justice of the peace +that always ties her nuptial knot told her that if she bought a ticket +she could save 50 cents per wedding and he would hand it to the happy +bridegroom as her dowry. Well, anyway they got maried after the show, so +that she wouldn't loose her job. I was maid of honor. Honest I was. +Don't it sound funny? And I carried her bouquet as the bridal party +marched up the hall to the office of the justice of the peace. Just as +he was about to pronounce the last sad rites a hurdy-gurdy started +playing 'Don't Get Married Any More, Ma,' with variations. Well, it made +Mamie so nervous. You know she always was a hysterical creature. It made +her so nervous that she had to have Wilbur--that's her husband--go out +and put a bug on the Ginny before she would allow the flag to drop. Then +we went out and had our wedding breakfast. There were six or eight in +the crowd, I don't rightly remember which, for sometimes there would be +only a few and then again it would be a turbid throng. + +"A couple of whisky sales gentlemen joined our little gathering and +proposed a race. You know I do so love athletic sports. I don't mean +prize fighters or ball players, but feats of strength. The whisky +gentlemen had a little the best start, for they had been running trial +heats. The way we staged that drinking number was a crime. How we ended +up I care not, neither do I spin. I can merely state that Mamie and I +slid for home in a sea-going taxicab, leaving Wilbur saying things to +the head waiter that no lady would listen to. + +"Oh, say, are you here with any extra junk? No, this ain't no touch. But +if you have got a reckless bundle I know how you can double it in a few +weeks. A gentleman friend of mine was captain of a fake wire-tapping +game until he got put out of business by the hard times and the lack of +suckers--synonymous. He is selling stock of a proposition that has +anything from Goldfield chased back to the desert. This is the scheme: +Listerine. He's going to train carrier pigeons to rush the growler. The +Chorus Girls' Union have already elected him an honorary vice-president. +You see, he gets these birds and trains them to carry the pail in their +teeth and smell out the nearest saloon, even a blind tiger--no matter +where they are. Then he rents the birds out by the dozen to the +theatrical organizations--special rates to musical comedies--so that all +the poor merry-merry has to do if there is no gentleman without is get a +bird from the property man, beat it for the furnished room, drop ten +cents in the bucket, write a little note to the bartender merely +stating: 'Mother has company, so not so much foam, please,' open the +window and start the dove of peace on its mission of happiness. You +needn't be afraid of the pigeon sneaking up an alley and drinking half +of it and then coming back with the stall, 'The boss is on tonight; +there ain't no bellhop to tip and all the bird wants is three or four +grains of corn, mother, and its just as happy and care free as if you +opened wine. Won't that be a boon to humanity, though? If he don't get a +Carnegie medal things are run wrong. Another stunt he is going to pull +off is canned cheese sandwiches. Well, I got to toddle along. The +Ladies' Auxiliary to the Anvil Chorus is going to hold a meeting in Alla +Sweenie's apartments. Was you ever one of them? Well, when those dames +get on the job and are grouped it makes Elinor Glyn's opinion of the +Pilgrim Mothers seem like words of praise. So long." + + + + + In which Sabrina receives money from an unexpected source, and + brings to light how she came to receive it and what she intends + doing when the entire sum is given her. + + + +CHAPTER THREE + + +"Providence has got to throw something besides 'crap,' some time or +other," remarked Sabrina, the show girl as we complimented her upon her +new gown. "And I guess I am there with rings on my fingers and bells on +my toes, or words to that effect. Take me by the hand and lead me to +some secluded nook and I will unburden my young soul." + +When we had seated ourselves and the waiter had retired for the second +time she began: + +"You have been hearing me put up a plaintive plea about being on the +rocks. Well, I was. I had everything in hock but my self-respect, and I +had that ready to tuck under my shawl at a moment's notice and rush off +to Uncle Sim's. But never again for muh. I was up in my suite wondering +if I could sign checks at Child's when the landlady shoved a letter +under my door--she could have shoved a dog under just as well as not. I +dive for the epistle, thinking, perhaps, it is some word of +encouragement from Matt Grau. I tear open the envelope and pull out a +letter and out drops a piece of paper that could look like it meant +money. It's a cinch I beat it to the floor. It was a check. I staggered +against the gas stove I was so surprised; then I unfolded it and it was +made out to me. Can you beat that? To me, and in my real name, for one +hundred, count 'em, one hundred cold, hard Clearing House certificates. +The only thing that kept me from having a scene with myself was the fact +that I had drank up all my merry Yuletide gifts. Well, by and by, after +piping off the check, counting it, biting it, smelling it, I had sense +enough to look at the letter. This is going to be a long, sad tale, so +you had better--yes, that's it--a little more of the same. You see, it +was this way. + +"Last season when I--thank goodness--when I was with a Broadway +production instead of a road show, a certain party, whom I had met while +out on the one-night stands the season before, came stampeding into town +and it fell upon my fair young shoulders to show him the sights. +Query--Did I show him the sights? Answer--Yes, I did show him the +sights. If there was any place we didn't see it was because you had to +have an introduction to get in. + +"Then Edward became inoculated with an idea that it would be a good plan +to consume all the booze on Broadway, thereby preventing others from +living intemperate lives. Such a chance. You know the new tunnel +couldn't hold the reserve supply of liquids that can report for duty at +a minute's notice on the corner of Forty-second and Broadway. The first +time I got hep to those proceedings was when I received the glad tidings +over the phone from a hospital steward that a friend of mine was trying +to bite holes in the detention sheet and shrieking my name. + +"I grabbed a book on 'Pink Animals I Have Met' and flew to the rescue. +When I got to the cot there was Edward's cherubic mug peeping out from +under about four miles of nice clean bandages and an attendant sitting +daintily on his chest. When he saw me he calmed down and dismissed the +menagerie for the nonce. 'Dearie,' he said, taking my shrinking little +hand in his, 'it was awful. It's only by mere chance that you find me +custodian of this Reptile Bazar instead of one of these "mangled +remains" things. It was this way. I had been down to the bar lapping up +a few drinks and pretty soon a band comes up the street. I go out to +look it over and there is nothing in sight, so I go back and get Arthur +to mix me up another to see if it won't make me feel better. I drink +that and hear the band again. I run out just in time to see it hiding +behind the post. It's bum harmony at that, so I go upstairs to take a +nap. + +"'I'm lying there on the bed when all of a sudden the door opens and in +marches twelve little soldiers, about six inches high, dressed in blue +pants and red coats. They climb and start to pull off a zouave drill on +the foot of the bed. That made me sour, for I don't feel like a military +pageant, so I lift up my foot and kick them out on the floor. The +soldiers don't say a word, but jump up and climb out through the +transom. In about five minutes the door opens and in marches the whole +army, all about six inches high. Gee, there must have been a million of +them, for all I could see was blue pants and red coats. I'm lying there +on the bed, taking it all in, when up rides a dinky little officer on a +horse. He salutes me and I salute him, just to let them know that there +wasn't any hard feeling. Then he says, "I am glad to state that you have +but one life to lose for your country; therefore we are going to shoot +you." Well, you know me, Dearie. I jumped out of the window. The next +time I come out of it here is this guy doing snake charming stunts on my +stomach.' + +"Can you beat that for a pipe? I look after this party with all the +loving care of a sister, and thanks to the doctor and a pump we pulled +him through. When he was able to be shipped home I went down to the +train to see him off and as he kissed me goodby he said, 'Don't you +worry, kid, I won't forget this.' I didn't pay any attention to his +chatter, thinking it nothing but balloon juice. But this letter says +that he died about a week ago and left ten thousand to me in such a way +that it won't do his wife no good to yelp. Ten thousand! Gee, ain't that +an awful huge lot of money for one poor little merry-merry to be +burdened with! The lawyers sent that first hundred along to show that +they are not pikers, and said that the rest would be along in a few +days. Gosh! I won't know what to do with it. I can't get that much in my +little lisle thread bank without spoiling the contour of that new gown +effect I am going to be poured into. Clothes, well I should hope so, +dear. When the true meaning of that effusion soaked into my system, the +way I grabbed my hat and took it on the run for the dressmaker's was a +caution to cab horses. + +"I'm going to get a bunch of clothes and then slide for home. You know +my father was mayor of Emporia for nearly a whole term, and I can go +right back into society. That is a great burg; if anybody wears anything +but a Mother Hubbard on week days they are doped out as a actress. Sure! +That's the way they know that there's a show in town, that and the band. +That town will have nothing but the best. If a show isn't good enough to +hare a band it might as well cancel. It's a great show town, all right; +sometimes they have two shows there the same week, 'East Lynne' and +something else. The Boston Store has the 'Pilgrim's Progress' on the +recent fiction counter. + +"Well, I must rush right along. I've got to go over to some place and +get a mile or two of those puff gags, mine are all moth eaten. I've got +some more things to buy and then I am going around and make faces at all +these theatrical agents. Bye bye." + + + + + In which Sabrina receives the balance of the fortune, says + farewell to the hall bed-room, secures more imposing quarters, a + French maid, an automobile and other accessories as befitting + her station. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR + + +"I've got Adversity laying on her back and purring with Contentment," +remarked Sabrina the Show Girl, as she stepped out of a taxicab in front +of a cafe, "and I guess she'll stand hitched for a few minutes. Tell my +driver to wait and then come in and have a little liquid nourishment. +This is the only place I can find where one can get any kind of service. +My, ain't I getting fussy? Here 'two weeks ago coffee and butter-cakes +were a banquet. But why dig up the past, and I reiterate the remark, +'Let the dead bury its dead.' If anybody mentions Mink's to me I am +liable to throw a foaming fit and fall in it. Every time I pass a bread +line I am filled with sorrow for the poor unfortunates, while heretofore +I got sore because they had beaten me to it. + +"Sure, the lawyer guy kicked in with the balance of the ten thousand, +and I am now busily engaged in putting it where it will do the most +good. Moved? Well, I should hope so, dear. Instead of existing in a +two-by-four hallroom, with an airshaft exposure, where you have to open +the door to think, I am now residing in a real suite. Maybe you think I +don't keep Estelle--that's my maid--on the job. She's the busy +proposition about that dump. As soon as I come out of my beauty sleep in +the morning I ring the bell and in capers Estelle with a dipperful of +chocolate, which I sip while reclining on my couch, and you can take it +from me it's got this stunt of romping about a cold room in a canton +flannel kimona trifling with the affections of a gas stove beat to a +purple pulp. + +"Then after reading the morning paper I arise, take a bawth, and Estelle +does my hair. That is, she does part of it. I can't bear any one's teeth +but my own on my Dutch braid. You know some people are sensitive that +a-way. After the hair dressing number I inhale about $4 worth of +breakfast and then lounge about my little nest. I call it my little nest +because it is finished in birdseye maple. I always have eggs for +breakfast, and Estelle puts on the finishing touches with a feather +duster and I boss the job, smoking a cigarette. I always was strong for +having things harmonize. I suppose it is my artistic temperament. I +always drink cordials the same color as my hat. After that everything is +fixed to my entire satisfaction, and I won't stand for cigarette butts +being kicked under the bed, either. I'm that particular. Then about noon +the dressmaker makes her entrance and I pick out my gowns. Clothes! Say, +when I line out of here for that dear Emporia I'll have to buy +twenty-five tickets so as I can get a baggage car free. I'll need it. +From the apparel I am purchasing you'd think I was wardrobe mistress for +a number two 'Talk of New York' company. If I don't make those canned +goods drummers in front of the Palace Hotel think there is something in +town besides a 'Tom' show I hope I never see Broadway again. + +"Then along toward afternoon I climb into some chic frock--get +that?--and taxey down here to look things over. Say, maybe you don't +think this butterfly existence is all to the berries. The other evening +I kicked down to a show I once worked in and, believe me, if some of +those dames knew what they looked like from the front they certainly +would rush out and hide in the cow lot. + +"Honest, there is one doll who thinks she has got every prize beauty in +the country biting her finger nails with jealousy. Well, she came out, +led out at that. I nearly dropped dead in my seat. You know that I am +not a knocker, and there is nothing I hate worse than to hear one lady +pan another behind her back, so I will merely make this statement. If +this person would stop trying to use up all the number 18 in the block, +would get operated on for knock-knees, have her face changed and stop +trying to be a very dear friend to the whole bald-headed department +during the opening chorus, she'd be all right and might get a job with a +medicine show. I know how she keeps her job all right, all right. I +ain't mentioning any names, but a certain party, old enough to be her +grandfather, had to put money into the show before they would even let +her have her voice tried. I was out to dinner with the same crowd that +she was with the other evening. Arthur and I were sitting at the table +in the restaurant waiting for the rest of the crowd when in she canters, +dressed up regardless like a queen in a book, in a low-neck gag. She run +a bluff as if she just had it made, but if a certain K. & E. wardrobe +mistress ever catches her with it on this party is due to get pinched +for petty larceny. As soon as she spotted me she rushed over and yelped, +'Oh, Sabrina, I'm charmed to see you.' And kissed me--the cat. Then she +said, 'Dearie, I understand you have inherited a fortune.' And raised +her eyebrows just like that. Now I had been kidded enough about that +legacy of mine, and when that doll, that ain't such a muchness herself, +commences to hand out inferences, I naturally lost my goat, but +remembering that I am now a lady I let go of my hatpin and merely +remarked, 'Yes, but I came by it honestly, and I can safely say that I +am no Foxy Grandpa's fair-haired child.' + +"That terse remark made her sit up and take notice, for she had been +telling one of the members of the party who she was trying to make a hit +with that she got her money from her large estates in England. The only +thing she knows about England she learned at a Burton Holmes lecture +that she got into on a ticket she found in the subway. + +"The gentlemen of the party called time and we sat down to the table. +She started putting on airs and telling what she knew about the Thaw +trial, so to let her know that I was right there I passed out this one, +'It's a cinch if anybody did any shooting to save your life he'll get +the chair the first throw out of the box, and the jury won't be out any +longer than it takes to get their hats, either.' Say, if she had had a +gun she'd have shot me. One of the gentlemen remarked to me, 'You don't +care for this young lady, do you?' I said, 'Sure, I like her. I like her +about as much as Bingham likes Jerome.' + +"This female party started to drinking champagne as if it were suds, so +naturally it wasn't long before she got a snootful, and one of these +crying kind, all the party began to kid her until at last she sobbed, +'Well, there is always one place I can go to where I am welcome.' One of +the guys said, 'Yes, dearie, I know it, but it is after 1 o'clock now +and that place is closed.' Then little Bright Eyes beat it and we all +had a real nice evening after that. Oh! She's a smooth one, all right; +she nearly made me lose my job once if it hadn't been that the stage +manager was carrying my suitcase I would have been decorated with my +little two weeks out in the wilds somewhere. You see it was this way: We +had a tree, not the one Arthur owned, but another, and one of the +comedians had to stand inside of it for about fifteen minutes before he +could make his entrance--laughing number--this was only a dinky little +place and only had one small airhole. Well, this foxy dame stuffed this +airhole full of limberger cheese, so when it came time for his entrance +instead of coming forth blithe and gay as per book, the comedian came +out looking as if he had apoplexy, the same naturally causing the +merry-merry to giggle ad lib. Did you ever see a wild fish? Honest, when +that man came off I thought he was going to commit murder; what he said +on the subject is not for me to repeat. Right in the middle of the +harangue this dame remarks, 'I think it was Sabrina.' + +"The next think she thunk was to wonder who let go of the asbestos +curtain, for I happened to overhear that 'aside' and bounced a +stage-brace on her think tank. If she had gone on again that night it +would have been in a wheeled chair. Another stunt she did was to put +lampblack all over the tenor's glove and he wiped it off on the prima's +shoulders so she looked like a zebra in a bathing suit, and every time +she would tell the firemen when the chorus men were getting fresh +courage by smoking cigarettes in their dressing rooms, but that is all +over now and my stage career is ended until I spend all this surplus +cash. I take it on the run for that dear Kansas tomorrow, so I think I +will go and see if Estelle has finished packing. Try and be good while I +am gone, and if anything happens for goodness sake wire me, for out in +that neck of the woods even paying for telegrams from New York is a +pleasure. Au revoir." + + + + + In which Sabrina makes a visit to her parents in Emporia, + returns after but a brief stay and chronicles some of the events + that transpired while in the city of her birth. + + + +CHAPTER FIVE + + +"Kill the prodigal, the calf has returned!" cried Sabrina the Show Girl, +as her taxicab drew up to where we were standing. + +"Thought you were in Emporia!" we exclaimed in surprise. + +"I was. I came; I saw; I conquered. Or whatever whoever said it, did. +Jump in and I'll tell you all about it. Fine business. I had more +exciting events than ever appeared before under one canvas. But never +again. You know when I started about ten days ago? Trouble? Why, I had +more trouble than a manager with nine stars and one good dressing room. +And I had to leave Estelle, my maid, here at that. I tried to get a +stateroom, but nothing doing, so me for a berth with the common herd. +Train going along fine, about 3 in the morning me pounding my fair young +ear in lower six, when all of a sudden. Biff! Mr. Engine slaps a cow in +the back and the whole works deserts the track and the caboose I'm in +slides over the bank, turns over on her side and dies, lower six at the +bottom. I get handed the following--one suitcase, two pairs of shoes and +a fat hardware salesman from upper five. Not forgetting my womanly +rights I turn loose a rebel yell and start to climb out of the opposite +window with the kind assistance of the arm of the berth, the face of the +fat salesman and a broken window, appearing as the Pink Pajama Girl on +the side of the car that was at that time understudying the roof. + +"When I got out I turned loose a couple more whoops on the clear morning +air just to let them know that I was still on the job, and took a casual +survey of the disaster. Naturally our car was the goat and the only one +that had gone wrong. The fat salesman does the appearing act next, +dragging his suitcase; waived formality and asked me if I would have a +drink. Me for the drink, and then I got him to climb back down and +rescue the rest of my apparel, and I dressed standing up there on the +side of the car, much to the edification of the train crew that were not +busily engaged in assuring the other dames in the car that they were not +dead. By and by along comes another train, and they load us all in and +we get to Chicago only about four hours late. Me being that fatigued I +rushed right up to the Sherman House, but there wasn't a room vacant on +the top floor, so I knew I would not feel at home there, so I go +capering over to the Annex. + +"Gee, but that Chicago is a bum town, and yet in Emporia they look upon +it as a Mecca of pleasure. The only pleasure I ever got there was trying +to analyze the smells from the stock yards. They don't eat anything in +Chicago but chop suey. Did you ever shoot any of that junk into your +system? Them can have it that likes it; but never again for muh. You get +it in a little dish, and the blooming stuff smells as if it was some +relation to a poultice; you eat it and then go home and chew all the +enamel off the bed. No, I don't know what it is made of; if I did I +wouldn't eat it. That's the only thing Chicago is good for, chop suey +and smells. When they get through talking about the World's Fair perhaps +they will think up some new form of amusement. I met a wop in Chicago, +one of these real romantic kind that only grow there. I was seated in a +secluded corner of the ladies' waiting room of the Annex, and he came up +and asked me if I didn't want to step in the Pompeian room and hear the +waters of the fountain lapping up against the marble. I told him I much +preferred to be up against a bottle of wine and do the lapping myself. +He, with that true Chicago gallantry, said, 'Excuse me first, I want to +'phone a friend.' + +"I'm glad I didn't hold my breath while he was gone. I think he must +have taken a surface car for Oak Park. Those Chicago rum-dums are the +true sports, all right, all right. If necessity compels them to buy +anything stronger than beer they commence to look sassy at the waiter +and talk loud. Chicago is sure rightly named when they call it the Windy +City. You just ought to have heard the line of jolly some of those boys +tried to hand out to me. To me, mind you, to me! They must have thought +that I was some unsophisticated young ingenue that never had been +further away from State street than an occasional excursion across the +lake to St. Joe. + +"I sloshed around town for a couple of days just to give those people a +change from the usual run of Randolph street romps, then I hit the +hummer for bleeding Kansas and Emporia. + +"Say, I had a great first entrance into that burg and nothing else; but +a crate of lemons got off to crab the act. When I climb down off the +hurdle, behold, the village choir right there on the job to see the +train come in. The arrival of the train--notice the train--is what you +might call the main event of the day. As soon as the village yokels saw +my trunks being unloaded they all did the grand duck for the theatre to +strike the house manager, thinking it was a show. I hadn't tipped my +mitt to the folks, so they were not at the tank to give me the parental +embrace, but after giving the necessary instructions to the baggage man +I climbed into the Palace Hotel bus and romped up to my ancestors' +abode. + +"Business of weeping on neck. Mother wigwags father, who comes over from +the grocery store, where he is electing the President of the United +States. Business of rejoicing ad. lib. Sister comes in from the village +school; neighbors kick in to see what's coming off. Entrance of trunks, +gasps of surprise by populace. Distribution of presents by muh. + +"That night there was a young people's meeting at the church. A young +people's meeting is a signal for every old dame in the township that's +not married to iron out her white silk waist and take it on the run for +the tabernacle. After the usual prelude the minister got up and said, +'We would like a few words from Sabrina, who has lately returned to our +little flock from the busy scenes of the great and wicked metropolis.' I +had to get up and hand out the usual stereotyped and mimeographed stuff +about being glad to be in their midst once again and it did my heart +good to see so many bright and shining faces, etc., etc. I had on a +modest little frock that had only lanced me about three hundred and made +the aurora borallis look like a dark night. So that the admiring public +wouldn't overlook any bets in the costume line I enlivened my discourse +with these illustrated song gestures, every move a picture. + +"After the olio the Busy Brigade of the Ladies' Auxiliary took the +napkin off a group of sandwiches and a bath tub of lemonade and we all +had an awful time with ourselves cracking rare quips. Me the center of +an admiring throng. They all knew I was an actress and they asked me to +act. You know the extent of my acting, a champagne dance and a burlesque +on the 'Merry Widow' waltz, and my lines are limited to, 'Oh! girls, +here comes the prince, now, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah.' Therefore I ducked +the request to exhibit my art. I was going home after the show--I mean +entertainment--and Waldo, the fellow I went with before I got sense +enough to blow the burg with a musical comedy--Waldo started to walk +home with me. I will say this much for Waldo before I go any further, he +has a good eye for the future, even though he is working in a grocery +store. + +"Waldo and I were walking down the quiet country lane, he telling me all +the news that had been pulled off while I had been away. When we got +down to the garden gate what do you think came off? Waldo proposed. +Honest, he proposed, just like that. Waldo's intentions were sincere, +but his work was lumpy and he went up in his lines a couple of times. He +didn't pass it out half as strong as these city chaps do when they don't +mean it. I instructed Waldo to can his chatter and forget it. Waldo got +real indignant because I wouldn't fly with him and tried to grab me. Now +I hadn't been prowling about New York alone without learning how to take +care of myself, so I gave him the heel and the way he went to the mat +was a caution for further orders. Waldo was a nice boy, but he was +rough, so after the jolt he got he had sense enough to beat it. + +"Say, I had an awful time for the next two or three days. But never +again. I'll never go any further out in the country than Claremont. +These rural districts are for those that like them, but if I can have +Broadway for a country lane you won't hear a peep out of me. Honest, +when I see a car with 'Forty-second street, crosstown,' on it I wanted +to gallup up and kiss the motorman. + +"Well, I've got to leave you here. Will tell you how I happened to leave +Emporia the next time I see you. Take it from me, I had rather be a +shine on Broadway than a glare anywhere else. So long." + + + + + In which Sabrina chronicles some more of the adventures that + happened to her while visiting her parents and details how she + stood the town on edge, was ejected therefrom, and the remarks + she made on the subject. + + + +CHAPTER SIX + + +"They say a rolling stone gathers no moss, but it's a cinch that this +pebble could have gathered a bunch of lemons since she has fallen into +her inheritance if she had but listened to their plaintive plea," +remarked Sabrina, the Show Girl, after we had seated ourselves at the +table. + +"Has some one been seeking your hand in marriage?" she was asked. + +"Honest, there are more dubs around this town who had rather get married +than work than there are actors on Broadway now. I have had three +proposals since I have been back, one of marriage. I told them all 'no.' +That I preferred to live a la carte. I could have become a farmer's +bride in Emporia if I had but said the word. I didn't tell you how I +came to sneak that snare, did I? You know I went out there with the +intention of staying a month, surging around and showing the village +belles that May Manton wasn't the only authority on correct dress. Ten +days was my limit. + +"The family and every one agreed that my metropolitan broadmindedness +was too much of a strain on the sense of morality of the peasantry, as +it were. No, nothing of the slightest consequence, nothing that would +have caused the inhabitants of Broadway to even arch their eyebrows. All +I did was to inhale a snootful and go out with a friend and stand the +thriving little village of Emporia up on end and tip it over. 'Tis a +strange tale. List, and I will unfold it to you. One day I was wafting +slowly and sedately down to the Boston Store for my mail when lo! and +behold, what did I see out in front of the Palace Hotel but an +automobile. Believe me when I tell you, it was the first time I had +looked a radiator in the face for a week. Two young fellows were +monkeying around the machine, and as they were nice-looking chaps I gave +them the furtive glance, and one of them stopped and asked me if he +hadn't been introduced to me in the Harlem Casino. At any other time I +would have taken his remark as a deep insult, inferring as it did that I +was so far from Forty-second street, but now I could have fell on his +neck and cried with joy. I told him that I had never met him in the +place he had mentioned, but to let it go at that, and if he even knew +where Harlem was it was introduction enough. + +"Come to find out they were making a trip across the continent, and had +stopped there to get a little gasolene for the machine. We talked things +over and I found out that they knew several people I did, and anyway +they were from New York and that helped a heap. They were going to leave +that afternoon, but I prevailed upon them to stay over until the next +day. I was invited into the hotel for dinner, and we opened the first +bottle of champagne wine, as they say out West, that had been opened in +Emporia since the Governor went through. In truth, the bottle was +covered with specks, and the label had faded so you could hardly read +it, but when the cork went 'wop!' three traveling men at the next table +burst into tears. + +"After we had consumed all the champagne wine they had in the snare, I +tipped them off to a speak-easy, and we decided to ride down there in +the machine, and then go for a little tour, as it were. By this time it +had been noised through the city that some one had taken the bottle out +of the show window, and a large crowd had assembled to see the +plutocrats come forth. We capered blithely out to the machine, climbed +in and hiked for the blind tiger. After the usual red tape the captain +sold us about two quarts of jig-juice--the kind that makes a jack-rabbit +spit in a bulldog's eye. + +"Anon, we again went for a ride, and I am here to state that the way we +breezed through that village made the proverbial Kansas cyclone look as +if it was running on crutches. The inhabitants that didn't duck for the +cellars stood on the plankwalk and made rude and discomplimentary +remarks. Some well-meaning Rube had tipped his mitt to the town marshal, +and that worthy cluck had stretched a rope from the blacksmith shop to +the corner of the livery stable, so naturally we had to pause. Enter +Marshal R.U.E. with business of making a pinch. After filing the usual +protests we were haled before the Magistrate. Here's a copy of the +testimony: + + Marshal--Judge, Your Honor, these prisoners are charged with + defacing landmarks, violating the pure food law, exceeding the + speed limit and disorderly conduct. Judge, Your Honor, these + miscreants defaced our landmarks by drinking the only bottle of + champagne wine that has ever been in our village--the bottle that + for so long has graced the window of our leading hotel and was + looked on with pride and reverence by the townspeople. A bottle + that has been cherished for generations until these monsters came + with their ill-gotten gold and purchased same. + + They violated the pure food law by drinking said bottle of + champagne which has been proven by the State Board of Examiners to + contain 18 per cent. alcohol. The aforesaid prisoners exceeded the + speed limit by rushing through our quiet streets at a terrific + pace, to the danger of the lives and limbs of our wives and + children. + + The prisoners at the bar are charged with disorderly conduct by the + following facts: They emptied said bottle of champagne, which was + reputed to hold one quart. That bottle of said wine was emptied + completely, which is proven by your marshal, who, after the orgy in + our leading hotel, did approach a waiter of said hotel and ask for + a taste of said wine, but upon investigation the bottle was found + to be entirely empty. + + The aforesaid bottle contained one whole quart of an intoxicating + beverage and was distributed among three people. Therefore, Judge, + Your Honor, the prisoners must have been intoxicated and therefore + disorderly. Your Honor, the prosecution rests its case. + + Judge--Prisoners, step to the bar. You are charged with, etc., ad + lib. What have you to say before sentence is passed upon you? + + Prisoners--Not a blamed word. + + Judge--I find the prisoners guilty and sentence them to pay a fine + of $50, or ten days in the city prison. + + Prisoners--Gee, you must be going to build a new courthouse. + + Judge--Five dollars for kidding the court. + +"I knew those fellows couldn't stand the strain of the $55 fine, so, +turning my back in maidenly modesty to the court, I dug down in the +lisle-thread bank and came up with a hundred dollar bill, the first one +ever seen in Emporia. I tossed it carelessly on the desk, remarking, +'Take it out of that.' You could have knocked the court's eyes off with +a club. I don't think he ever saw that much money in one group before in +his life. The clerk of the court grabbed the fresh-air fund and did a +rubber into the family safe for the change. All quiet along the Potomac. +The whole blooming city didn't have change for a century note. Can you +beat that? And they say there is no graft in Kansas. They had to go over +to the speakeasy for a change. What do you know about that? A court of a +Prohibition State going to a gin-mill for money. + +"After we got through telling the court what he reminded us of and what +he looked like, we tripped out to the machine and climbed on board and +started out again. We rode around until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, +and I got to bed just as the help was getting out to do the chores. +Maybe you don't think that evening's amusement caused some scandal. + +"Why, before breakfast the entire population was wise to the fact that +Sabrina, the pride and glory of the village, was out drinking liquor and +playing progressive hell with a couple of strange gentlemen. + +"If you want anything known in one of those wopburgs, just tell it to +the butcher--it's got a town crier or a litho threesheet faded. Mother +had the info on the whole game before she got the curl papers out of her +hair. A couple of the Ladies' Auxiliary to the Herbert Killjoy Memorial +did picket duty out in front of the house all night so as to be first in +with the glad tidings. + +"They galloped up like Sheridan twenty miles away. The Killjoy sisters +beat it, and I was just assuring mother that getting pinched was +considered very distingue by the upper crust of the eastern metropolis +when in prance the village selectmen followed by the deacons of the +church. When they came into view I knew the bell had rung on Sabrina, +the souse. They all came in looking like the first act of a funeral, and +Homer Jenkins, the head deaconorine, looked real solemn, and said, 'We +regret to inform you that we have found it our painful duty to dismiss +your daughter from the church.' I spoke up real gay like and said, 'Go +as far as you like, I never was a commuter anyway.' + +"The selectmen were at the bat next and the main guy of that informed +father that I would have to be put under bond to keep the peace, as my +actions of yesterday in drinking the champagne wine had caused nine of +the village near-sports to get stewed on Rhinewine and seltzer, and to +please let them have the money now, as they had to pay the mayor's +salary to-morrow. Then I delivered my philippic as follows: 'If you +spangled-eyed dubs think you are going to shake me down for any more +change you had better drop in your penny and get next to yourselves. +Nix, not. I've already coughed up more than the rest of the entire +population, and you are not going to lance me for any more just because +I've got a bundle. You're good people, you've got big feet, and I would +like to see you run fast. Now beat it. I'm going to blow the burg on the +next caboose, and while I don't wish you any bad luck I hope the town +hall burns down. Now take it on the run or I will give you all a good +scolding and send you to bed.' And the funny thing about it is, they +slid. I tell the folks that my light is hid under a bushel in Emporia, +grab the bus, and here I am and nothing short of an explosion will make +me leave. Put this on your 'call board,' the only good thing about these +hick hamlets is they remind you of New York because they are so +different. So long. Don't fall down the elevator shaft." + + + + + In which Sabrina attends a ball given by the Chorus Girls' Union + and frivols extensively in the vineyard and later does a + specialty with ice skates and a bottle of arnica. + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN + + +"All work and no play makes Jack a dead one," remarked Sabrina, the Show +Girl, as we met her at the appointed place. "Don't I look like the wreck +of the Hesperus? Honest to goodness, I feel like nine dollars' worth of +dog meat hanging out of a hospital window. Was you at the ball, also? I +mean did you attend last night's festivities? Ah, me! The joy and +laughter of yesterday is sure the hangover of today. I thought I would +caper down to the ball last night and just see how the other half lived, +and instead of being a mere obtrusive observer I developed into what you +might term the main event of the evening. You see it was this way. The +Chorus Girls' Union, of which I am now a member, gave a ball in +commemoration of the event of the Mayor vetoing Tim Sullivan's bill +about women smoking in public. It was instigated by the 'Knight for a +Day' girls, because when they went to plead before the Aldermen the +newspapers forgot to mention the show they were from, so that the long +talk didn't do the press agent any material good, as it were. The hall +was tastily decorated with pictures of the Aldermen embellished with +cigarette butts and champagne corks. + +"By the way, if you see smoke coming from the Knickerbocker Theatre +Building, don't turn in a fire alarm, for it is just the Friars showing +their good feeling by trying to smoke up all the Friar cigars and +cigarettes in town. + +"All of our set was there, and numerous telegrams of regret were read +from the road companies. As I say, I was seated quietly in a rathskeller +listening to the noise, when one of the young ladies inadvertently +remarked that there was to be big doings at a nearby hall, and suggested +that as she was selling tickets, it would be a good plan to buy some and +go and look the affair over, not to mingle with the throng, but merely +to add tone to the event. That listened very well indeed, and we all +climbed into a cabbage and vamped over. + +"We managed to secure a box and were seated surveying the dancers, of +which there were a few, and the wine agents, of which there was a herd, +until one of the said agents happened to spy our little crowd, and with +that true Southern gallantry for which wine agents are so noted, he sent +over a quart bottle for each one of the party, but in the excitement of +the moment forgot to include glasses, so rather than look a gift horse +in the mouth, metaphorically speaking, we did not mention the oversight +and contented ourselves with drinking out of the bottles in true +democratic spirit. Did you ever imbibe Tiffany Water direct from its +native heath, as it were? No? Then let me warn you from that lurking +pitfall. It has the same taste, but the effect, di mi, the effect is +multiplied by six. + +"All of a sudden I became inoculated with a wild desire to burst forth +into song, and also with the idea that when it came to tripping the +light fantastic toe I had Genee looking like the first lesson in a $5 +course. With that hunch in mind I shook the rest of the mob and +descended to the floor accompanied by my personal press agent. I was +wearing, at the time, one of my latest importations both underneath and +outside. When the band for the nineteenth time struck up the 'Merry +Widow' waltz, by permission of Henry W. Savage, I capered out upon the +floor, where, much to the edification of the assembled multitude, I +pulled off a combination of the 'Merry Widow' waltz and Dance of the +Seven Veils that will be the talk of the town until Bingham does +something else foolish. Did it cause excitement! Well, say, if it hadn't +been for the kindness of a friend I would at this time been pacing a +prison corridor in striped pajamas. + +"Honest, when I came to this morning and Estelle--that's my maid--told +me what I had done, I vowed that I never would speak to a wine agent +again, for I was just that mortified. After me remembering to be a lady, +and then before a mob to kick over the traces and crab the act. Believe +me, every time I see an advertisement for that brand of wine a blush +mantles my cheeks. Sure, I can blush. See. And for tears, it's just like +turning on the faucet in the bath tub. All the young creatures in our +set have to be there with the blush of modesty and the tear tank, for in +the heat and gayety of a wine party, when some one springs a travelling +man's story if we couldn't flash a flush we would be doped out as being +brazen hussies, and tears are always handy. Either for the police, the +landlord or an ardent suitor. The modern girl has to be equipped for any +emergency like a hook and ladder truck. But here I am giving away all +our girlish secrets. + +"Take it from me I'll never again gallop around the juniper bowl. I +wouldn't be a lush worker like that Alla McCune for another $10,000 +legacy. She's just started the habit lately. She thinks it's stylish. +Sure, every time she goes out with a crowd that drink anything stronger +than beer she thinks she is in society. Every time she gets a snoot full +she falls in love. Fact. My, such a scene as she caused in the hotel the +other evening. She doped it out this way: She was all alone, a stormy +night, a bottle of Scotch and a syphon. Why not light up? Talk about +your Great White Way, why, she had it looking like a dark alley in +Darkest Brooklyn. Along about 6 o'clock in the evening a gentleman +called to see her. As soon as he entered the portal Alla knew that she +had at last met her soul twin. + +"She was hanging on to the table at the time and when she let go to +embrace him, instead of being clasped to his yearning bosom, as she had +planned, her knees gave away and she skated on her profile across the +divan. This cluck, being of a timid nature, instead of running for the +ammonia, slammed the door and sprinted for the elevator. Alla, as soon +as the door closed, realized that she had been jilted, and resolving not +to be canned without a struggle, she threw on her pony coat over her +kimono, and pinning her hat roguishly over one ear, she fled the snare +and ran down eight flights of steps into the street, with two coon bell +boys after her. She turned into Broadway, going like Hose No. 7, with +her kimono streaming to the breeze, and ran all the way down to Rector's +and into the door before she was stopped by the head waiter. The two +bell boys caught up and loaded her into a cab before the police came and +managed to get her back up to the hotel, though the fight she put up was +a caution. Wine is sure a mocker and Scotch highballs is fierce. + +"I heard from the folks in Emporia the other day and they are still +talking over the time I and the two guys in the automobile pulled off. +The minister sprung a long sermon on the effects of strong drink on the +young and the Emporia Wasp--you know they did call it the Bee, but the +guy that bought it from the Bee people renamed it the Wasp, because he +got stung worse than any bee could sting--the Emporia Wasp came out with +a long editorial about the profligate rich and the Attic Debating +Society had a big pow-wow in the basement of the church on the subject, +'Be it Resolved, That more people are killed by strong drink than by +hanging.' All this had such a moral effect on the young that the soda +fountain didn't sell a claret phosphate for three weeks after. And the +Ladies' Aid got so busy over Azbe Lewis, the town drunkard, that he had +three proposals of marriage, but he decided to take the lesser of the +evils and stick to drink. I think he ain't such a dope at that. + +"Say, sniff. Can you detect the low, plaintive cry of an arnica bottle? +I am learning how to skate. Yes, I fell for it. Fell for it is good. +'Course I did. All over the ice. You see it was this way. I was up to a +tea one of the girls gave in honor of the judge getting a divorce from +his wife--we call it a tea because there wasn't any there. We were all +sitting around panning those who were not among those present, until at +last one of the girls who didn't dare leave till the party broke up +suggested that we go down to the park and take a skate. The hostess was +real nice. She suggested that it wasn't necessary to beat it clear down +there to get a skate, as she had some in the house, and if we drank that +up the Dutchman on the corner knew she was good for any amount within +reason. But we didn't mean what she meant, so we departed. Going down I +became perhaps a little too excited over the coming event and went to +some length to inform the assembled skirts that when it came to cutting +ice I, not seeking to boast, but I was there, forte, and such pastimes +as writing names or doing Dutch rolls I considered rudimentary in the +skating number and only performed by the immature. + +"I may have overestimated my ability some, for I had never been on +skates before in my life, but I'm no piker and I follow that old +principle of willing to try anything once, so when it came time I let +the boy put the skates on without a murmur, and was assisted to the ice +by about six or eight eager hands. Say, I looked out at the gang gliding +about, gave the signal to let go the ropes and took the fatal step. +Curtain. Say, I went round so fast both skates clinched in my marcel +wave. Would you believe it, there wasn't hardly any one in sight when I +started falling, but before I got through the police had to move the +crowd on. The only thing I could do gracefully was to throw a faint. I +turned one loose until somebody tried to force a glass between my teeth +and then I came to, but it was only water, so I had a relapse. Then a +nice gent kicked in with a flask and I came to. Maybe you think those +artful kidders didn't hand it to me. Anybody but a lady would have lost +her temper and cursed them. But I told them where to get off, and don't +you forget it, but I used no language that would have led people to +think I was anything but what I should be. After that I managed to skate +around a little, but let me tell you, that night I got down on the floor +to take my shoes off all right, but it took Estelle--that's my maid--and +a derrick to get me up again. Say, it's getting late and I must be +going. You know Mabel is now a bride again, and her little husband has +been staying down at the club instead of loitering about the flat, so +the other night when he knocked on the door to get in, Mabel said, 'Is +that you, Charles?' And now she can't get him out of the house nights. +You see, her husband's name is Arthur. So long." + + + + + Sabrina now falls in love with a press agent with the hectic + chatter. He proposes and is accepted, and Sabrina shows her love + and devotion by going his bail when he is arrested for + permitting his jealousy to get the better of him in a + restaurant. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT + + +Who's the guy that said "Love laughs at locksmiths?" Just show him to +muh. I'll show him where he got in wrong. It's enough to get a perfect +lady's goat. My Wilbur tried it the night he got pinched, and all he got +was a clout on the knob from the desk sergeant and a languishing number +in a prison, and I don't dare to go within a mile of the drum. + +The way I caper from one tribulation to another would make a sick woman +out of far stronger than me. Yes, I have at last found a man that loves +me for myself alone. He's a press agent, and he hands it out so sincere +that I know he must mean part of it. He's going to buy me an engagement +ring as soon as he gets his expense account. He's with a Broadway +musical comedy, and though he has run some of the girls' pictures, he +has not made the slightest advance toward any of them. + +He's been coming to see me for nearly a month. My heart went out to him +the minute he said he had a stand in with three city editors. + +Us actresses never get over our theatrical training. He's a quiet party, +and instead of hanging about the Knickerbocker bar with the rest of the +agents, he stays in the office and pounds out copy. He gave me a +beautiful silk parasol that I know didn't cost him less than four pairs +of seats. And all this before he asked me for my hand in marriage. + +Honest, I'll never forget the night he proposed as long as I live. Not +that I never was proposed to before, and some of them would have had me +starred, but the romantic surroundings and all that kind of thing. It +was this way: Me and him were the guests at a beefsteak party, and after +the fourth drink he commenced to show me marked attention, and when we +got out of the cab in front of my hotel he offered to help me upstairs, +though I generally have a bellboy for that purpose, and when we had got +up in my apartment and Estelle had gone to give the bellhop a quarter +and the pitcher, he popped the question, and such beautiful language, I +remembered it the next morning and wrote it down. + +He held my shrinking little hand in his and said, "Say, Kid, you've made +an awful good showing with me. Believe it, I could plant your stuff all +the rest of my life, and while I ain't much of a litho myself, still I +can get away with it and am the man who invented red on yellow. I can't +pay for many electric signs for you, but still if you'll plant your +heart in my cut-trunk I'll guarantee there won't be any excess and I'm +making money enough to O.K. most of your extras. + +"Listen, Party, we'll split my salary fifty-fifty every Saturday night. +I got good backing in the bank, and I want you to be my little star. You +angel!" + +Wasn't that sweet? That word angel aroused my suspicions for the nonce, +for angels are the ones who generally get lanced, but he handed it out +so fervent that I knew he would make good on some of the points, so from +force of habit I said, "Bring out your contract." + +And with those tender words and the pitcher the bellhop had brought back +we plighted our troth. + +What do you know about that? I don't believe I ever before was as much +in love as I am now. Why, I ain't been to see any other show but his for +two weeks. Of course, I have been engaged before and handed out this +eye-glistening-with-adoration gag before, but it was done only to vary +the monotony of my former theatrical career and increase my income. + +What! Sure I get an allowance from the fellows I'm engaged to. It's only +fair. Ain't I got a trooso to buy? Te, he! + +If I'd saved all the money I have been given to purchase troosos with I +would have a bunch that would make Gladys Vanderbilt's layout look like +a gingham wrapper. Sure, ain't it worth money to those wops to have the +pure love of a good, true girl? Gee, don't make me laugh like a baby. + +I was betrothed to six at one time, and the diamond rings I wore made +the prima bite her finger-nails with jealousy. Oh, I had a great graft. + +I had a birthday in every week stand. System? Well, I should hope so, +dear. + +We'd work it this way: Alla McSweeney and I were chumming together, and +naturally Monday night after the show we would meet some folks. We would +have a real nice time, and along about fourth highball time after the +show Wednesday night Alla would whisper real confidential into one of +the fellows' ear that I was going to be twenty-one Friday and "we girls" +are planning to give her a little surprise, and did he want to come in +on it. + +Every time the Johns would fall, except in Milwaukee, and nobody ever +got anything out of that town anyway. Then Alla would whisper that the +company was going to present me with a loving cup because I was such a +good fellow, and if they wanted to chip in now was their chance, and +anything was acceptable from $5 up, and to bring his friends. + +Alla would tout it up something fierce, I being totally unconscious to +what was coming off. + +Friday night would come around and Alla would borrow the loving cup from +the property man that the tenor used in the drinking number, put it +under her shawl and caper over to the appointed cafe. + +I would be the center of a bunch of merry cut-ups all wanting to blow +out the candles on my birthday cake. + +After the wine got to flowing freely and the crowd all jolly Alla would +drag out the prop and make a nice little speech on behalf of the +company. + +Me--you know I would be that flustered that I didn't know what to do, +and when Alla would say that other people beside the members of the +company had assisted I would be so gratified that I could scarce keep +back the tears. + +All the clucks that hadn't chipped in would feel so bad because they +weren't included in my outburst of gratitude that nine times out of ten +they would sneak out and try to break into a jewelry store. + +Then Saturday Alla and I would do the great divide. + +Take it from me, when I came in off the road that season I had a roll of +the evergreen that looked like a bundle of hall carpet. + +But now that I am an heiress I do not have to adopt those subterfuges in +order to get the daily Java. But I couldn't work those stunts on my +Wilbur; he's too wise, and being in the business he's hep to all that +kind of work. + +He's a good, nice, honest fellow, as press agents go, and I think I can +safely trust him with my innocent heart. + +If he don't--well, you know me. If he don't think he run up against the +business end of a cyclone it will be because I got throat trouble and +can't talk. + +Honest, my fair young brow is commencing to get wrinkled trying to dope +out whether I want to become a bride or lead the free and easy life of a +bachelor girl. + +Of course, if I get married and don't like it divorces are easy enough +to get, and then being a widow saves a girl a whole lot of +embarrassment, for she don't have to pretend to not understand some of +the innuendoes that are now and then sprung during the modern +conversations. + +But, on the other hand, Wilbur isn't there with a very big fresh air +fund, and by perseverance I might cop out a Pittsburg millionaire and +become famous. + +Marriage is worse than a lottery; it's a strong second for the show +business. You never can tell. + +Wilbur sure does treat me nice--he's promised that I shall be a flower +girl at the Friar Festival when it comes off in May. Ain't that nice of +him? + +Gee, but that's going to be the grand doings. + +Are you going to the ball? + +Say, the round of festivities I am pulling off lately would make a +person think I was a society bud. + +Oh, come closer, listen. A certain party wants me to go out in +vaudeville. What do you know about that? Can you see me doing two-a-day +and getting in a contest with Eva Tanguay or Vesta Victoria or the +Russell Brothers. I would go in a minute, though I promised mother when +I quit burlesque that I would never again wear tights. + +When I was in the business if I couldn't get a job on my voice all I had +to do was to flash a photo taken as Captain of the High Jinks Cadets, +and then--in a minute. + +Flo. Ziegfield made me all kinds of offers to go in the "Soul Kiss," but +the blondes were all full, and you can see me in a brindle wig? + +I am willing to sacrifice nearly anything for Art, but when it comes to +leaving nineteen dollars' worth of puffs in a dressing room where you +can't pick your company, not for little Sabrina. + +I used to have trouble enough with my number eighteen and lip stick and +the bunch of near-lady kleptomaniacs that the manager made a great +mistake taking on the road in the last show I was with. + +Well, to get back to vaudeville, I don't know whether to do a single +turn or put on a big act with a dancing scene or a prizefight in it. +Those things go big nowadays. + +I could get the music publishers to slip me a little on the side for +using their songs, too. Of course I don't need the money, for I've got +the biggest part of that ten thou. inheritance left yet; but still it +would keep me busy and away from the cafes, for now all I do all day +long is to roam around from one place to another imbibing booze and +balloon juice. + +It's beautiful billiards all right for the time being, but I always feel +so on the blink the next morning. + +Wilbur doesn't care; that is, he said he knew I had artistic +temperament, and if I wanted to get it out of my system, vaudeville was +as good as anything. + +I was talking to a guy the other day that is in vaudeville, and he said +that down around the St. James Building you could buy acts by the pound. + +Another guy wanted to take my money and star me in a musical comedy. +Wasn't he the kind gent? + +Gee, I didn't tell you how Wilbur come to get pinched, did I? Well, it +was this way: + +You know Wilbur is of Spanish descent even though he was born in +Canarsie, and he has a very jealous disposition; so the night after I +had promised to be his own little star of hope he discovered me in a +certain cafe with another party. This other party was a dramatic critic +and I was touting Wilbur's show, but Wilbur didn't know that, so when he +saw me sitting there having the time of my young life he lost his nanny +and caused a scene, forgetting this other party was a critic in his +passion. + +The head waiter threw them both out, and the critic, seeing the police +coming, said: "This is an actor trying to lick me," and naturally the +cops nearly beat poor Wilbur to a pulp. + +I went down to the station house and tried to get Wilbur out, but the +police were so rude that I had to tell them where to get off, and they +threatened to jug me, so I slid. + +Wilbur got out the next day, though, and told me over the 'phone that he +loved me all the more for trying to come to his rescue. I wish they +would import the Emporia police force here. I can lick him myself. + +My! is it that late? Wilbur will be waiting to take me over to Childs'. +So long! + + + + + Sabrina returns to the chorus so that she can keep an apartment, + a maid and an automobile without causing comment. She also talks + of getting a house-boat for the summer with some girl friends + and discourses on the advisability of having the wardrobe + mistress for a chaperone. + + + +CHAPTER NINE + + +"Virtue has its own reward and that's all it ever gets," remarked +Sabrina, the Show Girl, as we met her on the street. "I am once again a +wage-earner. This floating around town as one of the idle rich is all to +the peaches for a while, but as a continuous performance it makes a poor +showing. You know when I first became an heiress I had a call-board put +up in my boudoir and a little notice pinned on it that read, 'Rehearsal, +10 o'clock to-morrow, everybody,' and then I would lay in bed all morning +and make faces at it. + +"Everybody had a large bunch of fun kidding me about my inheritance till +I was nearly bug. Why, would you believe it? I couldn't go to dinner or +riding with a gentleman friend, but some humorous dame sitting at +another table would arch her eyebrows and then, if I introduced them to +the gent, they would say, 'I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Suchandsuch; +how are things in Pittsburg?' + +"At last it got so bad that I decided to go back to work and earn my +little twenty per, so that I could keep my automobile and wear good +clothes without the slightest taint of suspicion on my character. With +that noble end in view I started on the still hunt. Nothing doing with +that traveling thing. + +"I tucked my little scrapbook under my arm and sat in the waiting-room. +After hanging around in there for about half an hour I would be +permitted to glide into the big boss. I had a nice little monologue +framed up as to my virtues--no, that's the wrong word--ability. + +"None of the managers asked me what I had done, but what did I GET. + +"When I called on the gentlemen by whom I am now employed he said: +'Talent? Oh, piffle! Can you wear tights?' He said that to me. + +"I merely mentioned that I used to work for Mr. Ziegfeld and he hired me +at once. I didn't even have to show him my picture taken as Aphrodite in +a classical art study. + +"I went over to rehearsal, and of all the frowsy dames I ever piped--far +be it from me to knock, but they looked like a bunch of pie-trammers +that had just rushed over from Child's. The stage manager was a friend +of mine, and I asked him when he had started an old ladies' home, and he +told me--mind you, this is the strictest confidence--that the divorce +courts and the cheap rates from Pittsburg was raising Cain with the crop +of merry-merries. + +"I was standing over near the piano when the leading lady galloped in. +Believe me the dog she put on would make you think that she had every +other star looking like a twinkle, and before she landed where she is +now she was leading lady for a moving picture company. + +"But the comedian--honest, when he gets a couple under his belt he is +just that funny--gee! I nearly howled my head off at him calling the +tenor Gertrude. + +"Say, he got awfully peevish and was mad enough to crush a grape when he +found out that he couldn't have the 'spot' when he does his duet number +with the ingenue, and when he found out that he would have to dress with +the character comedian, who is a low, coarse brute, always drinking beer +in the dressing room and not sharing with anybody, he got so mad I +thought he would burst into tears. + +"He's another of these exaggerated ego guys, every move a picture, wears +his handkerchief up his sleeve and all that kind of guff. + +"The funniest thing about the whole show is that the author is staging +the piece, and what he don't know about the show business would make the +Lenox Library look like a news stand He wanted the tenor to hold the +prima so she couldn't show her rings. And that's the only thing that got +her the job--her jewelry. + +"We open in Hartford in a couple of weeks and then play Washington and +then come in here for a run. + +"Honest, the way those two towns fall for this: 'Manager Soandso is to +be congratulated upon securing for his next week's attraction Mr. +Suchandsuch's elaborate production of the great London success, 'The +Rancid Prune,' with the following all-star cast of metropolitan +favorites.' And some of them, ach, Himmel! + +"I do wish that the merry Springtime would hurry up and kick in. Them +can have the Winter that likes it, but not for little Angel-face; give +me the summer and that 'Robins Nest Again' number. + +"When the bock beer signs again wave in the breeze and the Dutchman in +the delicatessen don't think you are a bug when you ask for Summer +sausage; when the mint commences to sprout in the cigar box on the fire +escape and all nature seems glad. I just love those trips on the night +boat up the Hudson with the searchlight: shining on the trees and the +ice tinkling in the highball glass as the steward comes down the deck. + +"You know that I am naturally--even when sober--of a romantic and +emotional temperament, but those nights I can sit and hold hands and +inhale cocktails until daylight without an effort. + +"And then Sundays down at Manhattan Beach dubbing around in a bathing +suit--and take this from me as advance information, the bathing suit I +am going to wear this year is going to chase the waves clear out in the +ocean. I don't know yet whether I can wear it at Rockaway or not; it's a +cinch I can't if they have another moral wave like they did last year. +It's chic without being bizarre. + +"And I can safely say without fear of successful contradiction that I +look well in it, and if I can keep my hair from getting wet I'll be the +one best bet. But if the briny mingles with my marcel wave--good night, +nurse! + +"One of Mr. Hepner's assistants told me that if salt water ever touched +my golden tresses that the only thing I could do to keep them from +turning green was to get scalped. + +"A friend of mine who owns a yacht is going to send his wife and +daughter on a trip to Europe, and he told me to count myself one of a +party of six that are going to make a tour of all the neighboring +resorts--no, not that kind--Summer resorts. Fresh! + +"We had the one grand time last year. + +"I never had a more enjoyable time. Just press a button and the steward +was right on the job to take your order. + +"Anything from a glass of hops to a Merry Widow cocktail, and you didn't +have to dig once. Everything paid for ad lib. + +"Ah! those happy evenings that appeal so to every true lover of Nature +and well mixed drinks. To sit and listen to the lapping of the +waters--and booze. + +"Us girls are talking about getting a houseboat this season if we don't +have to work. Of course, the chances are that it will never come off, +but up to date that is the last dressing room pipe. + +"We are figuring on getting a nice place within trolley distance of +Broadway and then get several of our wine agent friends to stock it for +us. + +"We won't need much furniture--an ice box and a corkscrew are the only +real necessities. + +"Do you think it would cast asparagus on my character if I should reside +in a houseboat unchaperoned. + +"Oh, we can get the wardrobe mistress for a chaperone, but why talk +shop; and besides she gets a bun on and goes to sleep in a hamper, and +we girls have to pack our own bundles, and if she got soused while +chaperoning the mob it would take away the otherwise proper air of +refinement and leave us open to the gibes and scoffs of those who were +not so fortunate as to be invited to our houseboat. + +"Say, I don't want to indulge in brag or ostentation, but the gown I am +going to wear to the Friar festival they are going to pull off in May is +going to have some class to it. + +"Wilbur--that's my betrothed--is going to be one of the main guys, and +when it comes his day to get the showing keep your eye on muh. + +"I think Mr. Klaw and Mr. Erlanger are just the nicest men to give the +Friars the New York Theatre for the big doings. + +"You want to go. All our set will be there with their hair in a braid. + +"Oh, yes; Wilbur and I are getting along just splendid. We have been +engaged now for nearly two weeks and have only broken it off three +times. + +"I went to see 'Miss Hook of Holland' the other night and Wilbur got +jealous and told me that if his show wasn't good enough for me to see +without having to go to others to just come across with his ring and he +would cancel the engagement. + +"I, being a girl of some spirit and pride, just naturally yanked Mr. +Ring off and threw it at him. + +"That made him hedge and before long we were cooing over a bottle of +wine like a couple of turtle doves. + +"You can't take any too much off these men. Keep 'em guessing; thats my +system. And then they will walk sideways, so as to not overlook any +bets. + +"Take that Alla McSweeney for example. She falls in love and is always +on the job, like Faithful Fido. Sits around the flat and gazes at his +photo all day and from quitting time on she is there with her ear to the +ground waiting to hear him get out of the elevator. + +"That aint little Sabrina's graft. + +"Nix. Wilbur calls up and I tell him to wait a minute and let him cool +his heels downstairs for a while, and then when I do send for him to +come up he is more glad to see me and manages to amuse himself in +hunting for a stray glove or a handkerchief. + +"And then sometimes when he calls up I am out, just to let him know that +he is not the only star performer. + +"That stunt keeps them at heel all the time and so busy trying to keep +track of you that they don't have time to look for any other dame. So +that it works both ways for the dealer, and a couple of tears will +always copper any wrong play you make. + +"This Beatrice Fairfax dope may be all right in the simple country +maiden, but it don't go in the show business worth a whoop. You've got +to be on your toes in this game and play no steady system. + +"My, how I run on! Here I will be late for rehearsal and will have to +give the stage manager an excuse and he will fall for it until some time +I have got good reason for being late, and then he will call me. + +"Say, is it considered au fait for a bride-about-to-be to do a little +plugging for wedding presents this early in the game? Well, so long." + + + + + Sabrina in this chapter attends a beefsteak party and becomes + involved in an argument with a certain party who was formerly + her roommate but whom she left quietly and by night. + + + +CHAPTER TEN + + +"Don't I look like a tea store chromo?" inquired Sabrina as Estelle, her +maid, opened the door. "Oh, such a time I had! Never again will I go to +see that Alla McSweeney. Pipe my dial! Get onto the scratch! There are +some wounds that even powder cannot hide. It all started this way. The +girls down at Wilbur's show decided to give a beefsteak in honor of the +prima donna getting the can. Believe me, if they had let a hanging piece +fall on her she would have got but half what was coming to her. Cat! +Well, I should say so, dear. She spoiled the whole effect of that 'I'd +Rather Be a Lemon Than a Quince' number just because she wouldn't let +the pony girls share the spot in the picture. Honest, she caused more +troubles than Louis Nethersole's English actors ever imagined they had. + +"I met her socially several times, and she certainly was perfectly +lovely to me. But when she got back on the stage, why, she even had the +stagehands stepping sideways, and you know them. And the manager +couldn't call his soul his own until he had loaded her into a cab and on +her way. Wilbur told me that while on the road that between watching the +panners in the box offices and keeping her from throwing a fit on the +stage he got gray-headed. As for her maid, I can only say, 'Help that +poor creature.' One time the maid pinched her foot while buttoning her +shoe and what does the prima donna do but bounce her whole makeup box on +the top of the maid's defenseless nob. And the way she looks on the +street compared to what she does on the stage, that makeup box must +certainly have been of some size. Of course I am not roasting the poor +creature, for it may be temperament instead of temper, but I am merely +stating what I have heard. + +"But to get back to the big eat. The prima donna got too gay and when +they struck New York the home office got wise and she wouldn't stand a +cut in her salary, so they just naturally decorated her with the festive +bug and told her to take a whirl at vaudeville or something else real +mean. Say, when the news got out that she was to leave everybody was so +happy that even the chorus men went out and bought each other a beer. +What do you think of that? Well, anyway the mob got together after the +performance and decided to celebrate the event in fitting and proper +style by getting soused, and Alla kindly donated her new flat. Yes, the +Judge caught a sleeper on Wall Street and she was in strong with the cop +on the beat and the people on the floor below her had moved on account +of the noise. Selfish people. They didn't want to do anything all night +but sleep, and Alla complained that they were wearing out the steam pipe +by pounding on it. + +"After the show the whole outfit cleaned all the makeup off except +behind the ears and took it on the lope for Alla's domicile. Me being +the guest of honor, I naturally kicked in late. Gee! everybody of any +importance was there, even some of the principals, and every other show +in town sent at least one representative. Say, the drum was so crowded +that some of the couples had to turn the fire escape into a +conservatory. They would crawl out there and bombard the neighborhood +with empty bottles, until the cop on the corner would rap and then for +some two or three minutes the block would be as silent as a tomb. + +"Wilbur of course was there in his official capacity as press agent, to +not only add tone to the gathering, but to make sure that it reached the +night desk of all the papers, for if these society guys get a column and +a half they ought to be willing to slip us poor chorus dolls a couple of +sticks and keep it from under police news. + +"I was there to see that Wilbur did not, under the influence of the +charming company, make any remarks that might be misconstrued by any of +the assembled gathering as a declaration of love. For them dolls are +always on the job and the only time they don't catch a live one is when +their hands are tied. Jealous? What! Me? Not so you can notice it, but I +ain't going to have anybody have anything on me, and while I caused no +scenes, I left the impression that I had Wilbur trained so that he would +roll over and play dead at the word of command. While these 'keep off +the grass' signs don't do much good, still they run a horrible bluff. +Did Wilbur get wise to this move on my part? Not on your life! If he +found out that I was, figuratively speaking, riding herd on him, he +would get chesty and all swelled up until it would be my painful duty to +lance him. I don't know yet whether Wilbur is a rhinestone Billie or a +Whisky amber Billie with a dash of bitters Billie, but I am On the Job +Betty, all right, all right. + +"Well, to get back to the beefsteak. After all the guests had assembled, +which was maybe some 2 a.m., they started in. It was merely the ordinary +stunt of beer and beefsteak and beefsteak and beer, but the hours were +enlivened by the vaudeville performances of the guests. This was before +the precinct sergeant knocked on the door. One old frump that must have +been tramming a mace in the Roman Hanging Gardens got a yen that was +doing imitations she had Elsie Janis and Gertrude Hoffman looking like a +couple of false starts. Another took the hooks out of her marsel wave +and did that time-worn stunt of 'Laska.' Then one of the chorus men gave +an imitation of George Cohan, as usual. But that don't explain the +scratches; does it? + +"To go back sometime, there was a certain skirt that I used to room with +in Chicago when we were both broke, but one night she went out with a +bunch of siss-boom-ah! boys and came home with a large and juicy snoot +full and spent the early morning hours in leaning out of the window of +the apartment and whistling through her fingers to the milkmen, as well +as staging a disrobing number in the middle of the room with the +curtains up to such an extent that the inhabitants of the outlying +districts had to wait sometime for their morning milk. + +"This, naturally grated on my refined sensibilities, so the next morning +while she was yet beating the hay, I packed my little suitcase and took +it on the run away from there, leaving her, you might say, on the pan. I +went into the pony ballet of a La Salle Theatre show--can you see me as +a pony?--and I heard that she was advancing Art with a stock burlesque +in South Chicago. That evening she was among those present at the +aforementioned social function. And while we kissed and embraced each +other with the affection of long lost sisters, still I could detect +above the odor of cocktails an underlying current of soreness. So we +clinched, but I took particular pains to see that we went clean in the +breakaway. + +"A young gentleman from Pittsburg was one of the guests and this +creature naturally put herself forward to make him have a real nice time +and, while I am true to Wilbur, still I think it my duty to be kind to +every one. This Chicago party got the hunch that I was trying to beat +her to this Pittsburg wop and she managed to get him in a corner and I +could see out of the corner of my eye that she was making a strenuous +effort to reveal some of my past, and, while I have never done anything +that would cast a breath of suspicion on my spotless character, still I +knew that this party would not hesitate for a minute to do some +romancing, so I naturally edged over toward that particular corner as if +I was not noticing myself do it, and overheard her inform the gent, that +while I had the outward appearance of an innocent young babe, I was a +viper at heart, and had beat it out of Chicago with some ten or twelve +thousand dollars' worth of her personal jewelry. + +"Shucks! All the jewelry she ever had was a diamond stickpin she bit out +of a gentleman's scarf when they were going home in a cab, and all she +had left of that was the pawn ticket. + +"Naturally hearing the libelous remarks, I was compelled to defend +myself, so I quietly interrupted her conversation by remarking lightly +over her shoulder, 'Ah! I see, Laura, that you are still a member of the +Arm and Hammer band, and I wish to mention in passing that the only ten +or twelve thousand dollars' worth of jewelry you ever had you returned +to the property man every night after the ballroom scene.' + +"As for me eloping with your belongings all you ever had was a dirty +handkerchief kimona, a Fluffy Ruffles skirt and a near-seal jacket, and +you had to throw a chill when you entered a cafe so as not to have to +take that off. If you had you would have been disgraced for life." + +After those kind remarks Laura's goat naturally make a quick exit. She +jumped to her feet, and with one of those 'Parted on Her Bridal Tour' +expressions, said: 'It's you, is it, Sabrina; you were always noted as +the Butting-in Kid. But now if you have got all of that humorous +monologue of yours out of your system you can toddle right along and +sell your matches, as this kind gentleman and I are discussing a few +words in private and do not wish them to get all over town.' + +"'Can that chatter,' said I, 'and don't forget the happy days you spent +at Sid Euson's.' Right there is where I got that scratch. But I being +pretty nifty with my fins gave her a cuff on the chops that she won't +have to put down in her diary to remember. I was just fishing for an +opening to land when Wilbur stayed my upraised arm, and I could only +give her a kick on the limb with my French heel. Naturally the noise and +the words attracted some attention even from that bunch; that is, it +could be heard above the usual hum of conversation. The dame, knowing +that I was in the right, tried to tuck the Pittsburg party under her arm +and duck the dump, but Pittsburg being a game guy, stuck for the big +show, and Laura loped for the 'L' alone. + +"Wilbur was naturally surprised and grieved at my actions, and for a +moment allowed the green-eyed monster to take up standing room in his +heart, thinking that I had succumbed to the wealth of the coal dealer, +but my ready outburst of maidenly tears quickly set me to rights. That +was the only thing that marred the evening, except one of the girls +spoke kindly to a chorus man, and he, poor fellow, threw a fainting fit +and we had to force the only jig juice in the crowd between his clinched +teeth before he could be revived. + +"Yes, I am still on the stage, but I have got the stage manager trained +so that I only have to slip him a five spot any night I fail to appear. +No, there isn't much doing except that some of the girls are rehearsing +for the soul kiss contest, but I personally do not have to advertise. + +"What! Going? Say, on your way down tell the barhop to mix me up a life +preserver in a rose glass." + + + + + Sabrina touches on the advantages of having a hotel for chorus + girls and makes several comments on the dramatic possibilities + of "The Mangled Doughnut," with which she is rehearsing. + + + +CHAPTER ELEVEN + + +"Say," remarked Sabrina, as we met her in front of her favorite cafe, +"say, loosen up, cough, give down, come to, kick in. You've got to +donate for a couple of tickets to the annual benefit of the Unemployed +or Otherwise Disabled Chorus Girls' Home, and the quicker you come +across the quicker your suffering will be over. Sure we are going to +have a benefit that will make even the Friar Festival get up and hump +itself. And you know that's going to be some show. The Chorus Girls' +Mutual Knocking Society is going to build a home so that the poor doll +who comes in from the high grass in her normal condition, broke, can +have some place to go and rest and refresh herself without having to +hock a couple of wedding rings before she can have her hotel trunk sent +up. + +"There's going to be fifty sleeping rooms and ninety-six maids, so that +if the poor skirt wakes up in the morning feeling far from a well woman +all she has to do is to tickle the zing-zing and the maid is right there +on the job. There is to be nineteen sound-proof parlors with two pianos +in each parlor. + +"While there will be a chaperon, of course, she will permit the young +ladies to entertain their friends in a quiet and ladylike manner until +the porter starts cleaning up the bar in the morning. The inmates will +of course be allowed to sign checks, but from visitors only cash will be +accepted. + +"Can you see a mob of those merry dames around that drum? Talk about +your something doing every minute! Say, it will look like open time +around that shack. Burlesquers are canceled. They can't come into the +home. Well, they never have much of a home anyway, so they don't miss +much. + +"Burlesque is sure one strenuous existence. Mother made me quit. That +and the doctor telling me that I would ruin myself standing around a +draughty stage in tights. And besides those burlesque stage hands +certainly are cruel. Why, you have to put the money right in their hand +before they will beat it across the alley for a can of suds. If that +ain't cruelty I don't know what is. Do they think us girls would enjoy +our refreshment if we have to pay for it ourselves. Why, it hasn't got +the same flavor. Do you think a girl lacks class when she puts salt in +her beer? + +"That home will be a great thing. Imagine going home every night without +wondering if your room is locked and the landlady sitting on your trunks +at the top landing. You can just flounce into your nest any old time and +know that everything is right there, unless one crafty girl has bribed +the chambermaid for the key. You can never tell about those people. Why, +I know one girl who kept stealing hairs out of the different wigs in the +dressing-rooms until she had enough to make a Dutch braid, and then she +put on such a front and chest that she wouldn't speak to any of the +other girls should she happen to meet them socially. I have always +wanted a home, not that I haven't been offered several, but I mean a +permanent one. But to continue about the benefit. + +"Wilbur is going to manage it, and he expects to shake down enough to +start us housekeeping, but, of course, that is strictly under your hat, +and I pray you do not mention it. I think we can get Mr. Erlanger to let +us use the New York Theatre if we promise not to damage the fixtures. He +lets every other benefit have it and he certainly wouldn't object to a +few poor chorus girls pulling off a shindy, seeing as how they did so +much for his success. + +"Suppose none of us had gone on in the chorus of 'Ben-Hur'? Just think +what would have happened. Didn't know there was a chorus in 'Ben-Hur'? +Say, what are you trying to do, kid me, or just show me a good time? + +"I was around yesterday trying to get some of the oldtime merry-merry +who are now some of our leading actresses to appear at the benefit, but +they all threw a fit at the mere mention of the fact that they had once +carried a spear. For my part I see nothing degrading in the work, even +if we are held up to the gibes and chaff of some of these newspaper +near-humorists. + +"It certainly is an honorable calling, and if you look good from the +front you can always have your pick of the menu. So that any dame that +can hand out the frightened fawn glance need never starve. + +"Ain't it funny the way these Johns stick their noses to the ground and +start on the trail of 'the soldiers, villagers, etc.'? They'll pass up +anything just to be able to stick their arm through the stage door and +hand the doorkeeper a bunch of violets. + +"They will leave Flossie, the belle of the village, waiting at the gate +any time a burlesque three-sheet shows up on the side of the blacksmith +shop. And right down front, with their feet on the base drum, handing +out the coy glances before the first curtain is a foot from the stage. + +"Yep, I'm still rehearsing with 'The Mangled Doughnut,' and the author +of the book told me yesterday, in the strictest confidence, that it will +be the best first-night performance Hartford ever saw. + +"He says he expects to stay up all that night rewriting the book, but he +is willing to sacrifice a few hours' sleep in the interest of Art. And +for the musical numbers, as we are rehearsing forty-two songs, some of +them ought to go. The only thing wrong with the show as far as I can see +is that the prima donna acts like she was in a trance. It is my personal +opinion--of course I wouldn't have you breathe this to a living soul for +worlds--but it is my personal opinion that she sniffs the white. She +either does that or jabs, though it don't show on her arm. The leading +comedian is a sad affair. + +"He would make a good understudy for a morgue, and that's about all. +Why, I offered him suggestions for some new business in his cafe scene +and he went up-stage on the run and informed me that when he desired +instructions from the chorus concerning the way to handle his part he +would address me in writing. I said to him: 'Far be it from me to get +gay, old top, but I would respectfully suggest that you get busy with +the pen and ink.' Then he was going to have me fired. Such a chance. + +"He had better find out what I know about the past history of the person +who hired me before he hands out any lurid language about my dismissal. +I know right where I stand, and though I am one of the shop girls in the +first act, instead of having my regular place as an American heiress, I +know right where I stand every shake out of the box. + +"Viola St. Clare is sure having the one strenuous time with her new +husband. The poor dear is nearly balmy in the crumpet from worry. You +see, they have been married but four long weeks, and the last three +nights he has been coming home sober, and she believes he is deceiving +her, so she is trying to get enough money from him so that she can hire +a private detective to have him shadowed. + +"They tell me that Sam Harris has to punch a time clock. I know one +thing, and that is when I am married Wilbur will not be one of the +leading lights of the Knickerbocker, even if I have to prance down there +and drag him out by the neck. Gee, there ain't much doing in town now. +Wilbur and a couple of friends are already running trial heats for the +Twenty-three Club dinner, and if he ever recovers from that our +engagement will be announced. I am having the photographs taken now. + +"Tell me, do you think it's good form for a lady to have her wedding +announcement accompanied by pictures of herself in tights. Wilbur says +that it won't help me, but it will do the show a lot of good, and he +says somebody connected with my show should be done good besides the +manager. + +"I will say one good word about our show--it has a grand first act. The +other two acts may be on the cheese, but the first act is good. The +author says the first act of a show is the only one that needs any +attention, because it is the only one the critics ever stick for anyway. +We got great scenery; the second act is made of what you might call a +composite set, being composed out of all the scenery from the other +failures this year. + +"Did I say other failures?" + +"I spoke inadvertently. 'For this elaborate production, with its +all-star cast of metropolitan favorites and its famous beauty chorus,' +as Wilbur says, may be all right. + +"Mind you, I only say may. + +"The first act is laid in a quince plantation, and the quinces of the +chorus are discovered at curtain rise picking the luscious fruit. There +is a naval vessel in the harbor. This was put in so the tenor could wear +his white duck uniform; he had to wear something, and when the +management found that he had a white duck uniform--every tenor has, you +know, or he wouldn't be a tenor--when the management found that he had a +uniform they took the money they had advanced for costumes away from him +and rewrote the first act. + +"As I say, we lemons are picking quinces or we quinces are picking +lemons, any way you want to take it, and after finishing the opening +chorus we rush up stage, open center, and in comes the prima donna in a +pony cart--a stone boat would suit her better, but that is neither here +nor there--see pony cart, chance for number by pony ballet, with six +trained doughnuts--you see that's where the title of the play is +introduced. That's the only time the title shows up except a duet +between the leading lady and the tenor entitled 'I Had Rather be a +Doughnut in Harlem Than a Butter Cake in Childs'.' + +"The prima and the tenor do an imitation of the 'Merry Widow' waltz. The +author didn't want that put in, but the backer of the show convinced him +that nowadays every true musical comedy had an imitation of the 'Merry +Widow' waltz, so he let it slide. + +"After that in comes the comedian as the valet of a wealthy American +just arrived on the battleship. + +"He has got a great entrance. It's brought out by some plot lines spoken +by two of the chorus girls that he has taken a taxaballoon from the boat +and while up in the air he bites the rope of the balloon in two in a fit +and falls center stage with a red spotlight on him. That's the musical +cue for his song. + +"'I'd Rather Be Up in the Air Than Up in the Bronx.' He has learned +twenty-two extra verses and says that he will give them all if the +ushers' hands hold out. + +"When he is through in comes the soubrette, formerly a lady boilermaker +in Canarsie, but now disguised as an adventuress, in search of the +missing papers. + +"She has the papers in a locket given her by her mother, but don't know +it until the comedian bites her on the neck in the third act and breaks +the chain, when the locket falls to the ground and the papers fall out. + +"The second act is a scene in Maxim's, where the leading lady is washing +dishes. That gives more comedy, with the comedian as a dish. + +"The American is hiding from his wife and goes to Maxim's because he +knows she'll be there. If she wasn't, shucks! There wouldn't be no show. + +"He does his specialty with a piece of cheese--not the prima donna--and +after that the American Beauty Chorus comes in and does a refined +can-can. + +"My how I have run on! I just know I'll be late for rehearsal, but don't +forget the benefit. We need the money, Wilbur and me. So long!" + + + + + In which Sabrina prepares to leave town with the show, but + pauses to pass a few remarks on love, comedians, murders, maids, + spring millinery and the advisability of anyone marrying their + first husband. + + + +CHAPTER TWELVE + + +"Goodbye, dear," said Sabrina, as we met her hurrying up Broadway. "Our +show leaves town to-morrow. We got to get to Hartford in time for a +dress rehearsal before the evening performance. My, such a time we have +had. You know the comedian we had threw up the sponge at the last minute +and we had to dig up another. Thank goodness, this one is a gentleman +and not getting fresh with the merry-merry every time he gets a chance. + +"Oh, say, was you at the Friars' Sunday Night in Bohemia a couple of +weeks ago? The Friars spend every night in Bohemia or the Knickerbocker +bar, so Wilbur says. But honest, this was a great stunt, seconded only +by the Festival they are going to pull off in May. + +"The curtain went up on what looked like a busy day in Childs', and +Wells Hawks was in the spotlight, surrounded by a bevy of blondes and +empty champagne bottles. They tell me that Gus Edwards had to blindfold +Hawks to lead him up to the table where the empty bottles were, and as +for the girls, it was with a great effort that they restrained +themselves. + +"All they could do was to look at the empty bottles, hold their noses +and drink mineral water. Ain't it awful, Mabel? Anyway, everybody had a +good time, so what care they for gibes and jeers? Many the time have I +held a champagne cork to my nose, closed my eyes and dreamed that I was +having a time. Well, to continue about our show. Wilbur says it will +never go, because they only got block stands, and an agent ain't got no +show without at least one kind of a litho. Wilbur said it hurt the +artistic instinct of a billposter in these hick towns to put up all +block stands, and you generally have to slip them a little something to +be sure that they burn up all the extra stuff, so that the manager of +the company wouldn't find it should he go snooping around the bill room +when the show gets in town. He says if they get a good litho of a +killing or a chorus they will go out of the way to stick them up just +for art's sake. Wilbur is going to give me a suit case full of hard +tickets to the Friar Festival, and told me to mace every John I came +across on the road for as many as he would stand for. He said the more I +sent in the more he would know I loved him. Wilbur is so romantic! + +"This new comedian we got with the show is pretty good, but of course I +can see defects. And the new prima donna is real nice. She asked me into +her dressing-room the other afternoon and slipped me a little idea +encourager that she had in a flask. But the way she is in love with the +tenor, honest, it's sickening to me. She watches him from the time he +comes in the theatre until the time he leaves, and then calls him up on +the 'phone at his home. + +"The other day when he asked one of the girls to tie the ribbon in his +cuff she got so jealous that I thought she was going to give the poor +kid a lam on the lamp. What she can see in that tenor is beyond me. What +anybody can see in a tenor has got me guessing, for that matter. Wilbur +says that's just the way with temperamental people, and he lost a job +once just because he forgot to land pictures in the Sunday editions of +all the newspapers in town of the manager's own particular guiding star, +but planted a bunch of her dearest friend instead. He says there's no +pleasing them, and the only way to have peace and harmony around the +whole show shop is to print flashlights of the entire company. And even +that looks like blazes, for the editor will always reduce an +eight-column flashlight to a two-column cut, no matter how many drinks +you buy him. + +"He says he saw a murder once--was the only witness, in fact--and he +took it on the run to a newspaper office and offered to trade a Charles +Sommerville to the editor for a reading notice about the show, and the +editor told him that they could get all they wanted from the police, and +what they didn't get wouldn't hurt the public if they didn't know about +it. He says if that wouldn't give the press agent art a kick in the neck +nothing would. + +"Wilbur says he loves his art and nothing pleases him better than to +find a box office that will take his I O U. Us chorus have been sure +working hard the past week, and Ben Teal has been just that kind and +gentle, and didn't put a one of us on the pan. We certainly have got +some lovely costumes; they ain't much to them, but what there is is +beautiful. They smell a little of camphor, but they have been packed +away in hampers ever since last season, and that accounts for it. + +"I got a fine scene with the comedian and should score a great personal +triumph. All of us girls are lined up for his entrance in the second +act, and when he comes in he walks right over to me and says: 'Ah, +little one. How are you on the Queen's wedding day,' 'Queen's wedding +day,' that's my cue, and I say, 'Very well, thank you kindly, noble +sire.' Aint that great? It takes nearly a whole side. I was rehearsing +it in my apartment this morning with Estelle, but she was so rotten as +the comedian that I took away the last $5 I gave her for a tip. + +"These menials have no talent in their souls. Estelle, that's my maid, +says she has no desire to elevate the drama, and she had rather be a +maid for a chorus girl any time--there's more money in it. She may be +right at that. + +"Alla McSweeney is going to start a New Thought Church. She says that +she has a whole flock of new thoughts and it would be quite fashionable +to start this new think stunt. She said she would tell us her new +thoughts if she thought we would never breathe a word to a living +breathing soul. Gee, that lets our gang out. + +"They couldn't keep quiet if it killed them. Honest, for a bunch of +knockers, perfect both in single handed knocking and team work, our set +has anything bound to the bannister in New York. + +"But what care I? Spring is coming and we will all soon hike to Bath +Beach. Honest, for a country place with all the conveniences of home +Bath Beach is the top liner. You can put a can under your shawl and rush +a couple of blocks and always get it full of the best, and if you put +butter around the side of the pail the barkeep ignores the fact and goes +right ahead. + +"I may get a motor boat this summer if Wilbur gets his summer snap at +the island. + +"Coney, I mean, not Blackwell's. + +"He has never been over there except to take flowers to the Poillon +sisters. They love nature so. Charlotte says it makes her homesick every +time she sees a Joy Line boat go by. + +"The benefit season will soon open and any person that has a couple of +thousand dollars to pay for a theater can git a benefit for himself and +maybe draw down a couple of hundred more. The benefit for the chorus, +girls has gone up in the air, for none of them would acknowledge that +they were chorus girls. + +"They were either show girls or pony dancers, and that let them out. +Anyway, each girl wanted to bring her maid, and the dressing rooms would +have been so full of maids that there would have been no room for the +dolls. I had it all framed up, too. I had six wine agents and a whisky +salesman who guaranteed to appear, and that alone would have made the +thing a financial success. But what could I do? + +"Our bunch has been rehearsing five weeks without salaries, and with the +excessive taxicab rates we got no money to spend on clothes to wear to +the ball, and the wardrobe mistress keeps an awful tab on the costume +hampers. + +"A certain friend of mine, who, by the way, I wouldn't trust any further +than I can throw an elephant by the tail, had the nerve to take me up in +her apartment the other day and show me her new bathing suit she had +just imported from Paris. It was a swell thing all right, but sewed in +the waistband was a piece of cloth that said 'Burgomaster 2' on it, so +you can draw your own conclusions. + +"Honest, the way some girls steal is something awful. Take it from me, +it's nothing less than stealing to swipe a wardrobe. Of course, if the +show is going to close it's all right, but from a successful production, +never. Lifting a scarfpin from a soused party is all right, for he is +supposed to do something to remunerate the lady for wasting her time by +taking her to supper. + +"Spring has sure come and I do just glory in nature. I suppose that is +because I was brought up in the country. We never have anything but +nature in Emporia. + +"Oh, I heard from the folks the other day, and they tell me that Emporia +is now growing to be some town. The bank is putting up a four-story +brick building, which is going to be looked on as the village +skyscraper. + +"The town council has already passed resolutions restricting the height +of the buildings to six stories. They ain't going to take the chance +that New York does, and have some of these big tall ten-story affairs +topple over into their streets. + +"All the yaps out in that neighborhood are lining out for the spring +plowing now while the yaps here are lining out for the spring millinery +openings. I already got the dressmaker on the job for seven or eight +modest little frocks that will make them sit up and take notice Sundays +down at Manhattan Beach. + +"I have decided that I am going to be an athletic girl this summer, and +am already taking exercise every day. Why, I walk all the way from the +subway to the hotel, and that's nearly half a block. + +"Say, what do you know about this? Posey Golden has married her first +husband. + +"Honest! You know they were divorced shortly after she got a good job, +and have been living apart ever since. + +"She married again to the nicest gambler you ever met. But he got stung +on a sleeper, and had to hock the family jewels, and Posey said that was +cruelty, for she could never have the face to go down to the dining room +for breakfast without all of her diamonds on; she had worn them every +day since they struck the St. Reckless, and she was afraid it might +cause talk among the waiters and guests because she always treated them +with a calm air of condescension, and they would lay for the chance to +get in a hammer. So she put in a bid for a divorce and got it. + +"Then she met her first better half on the street and, after having a +little supper, they decided to sneak through the tunnel, take it on the +run for Newark and again become one. + +"Imagine anybody going to Newark to get married! Imagine any one going +to Newark for anything! + +"They got married and came back to town just as happy as if nothing had +ever happened. My, I hope Wilbur and I will be that way! I think he is +sincere even if he does write good notices about girls in his show. + +"Well, I must toddle along and see if Wilbur has cashed his yet, so that +I can get the rest of that new hat. If it ain't too much trouble you can +send me a bunch of flowers for our opening night in Hartford. So long." + + + + + The show gives its opening performance and Sabrina scores a + great personal success. She speaks at some length of the kissing + craze and makes several comments on the time she had while out + of town. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTEEN + + +"Are you coming to the opening tonight?" began Sabrina, the Show Girl, +before she had given her order. "I don't know if you can get a seat or +not, because the management is tired of having the same old gang out in +front, and have donated about two-thirds of the house to the ladies at +the Martha Washington, for they know more about a real show than +anybody, because they read the dramatic page of all the fashion +magazines, and the other third of the house will be taken up by the +dramatic critics and their friends. + +"We had a great opening in Hartford. The theatre was crowded four rows +back. The first act went great, but we couldn't tell how the last one +went, because nobody but the author and composer stayed for it, and they +are a little partial. + +"I scored a great personal triumph, and the way I read my lines was not +only greeted with applause, but with laughter. In fact, I made such a +decided hit that the prima donna, who, by the way, is worse than the +first, because she drinks, had the manager take my lines away from me +and give them to somebody who could not read them as well. If I wasn't +afraid she would blackball me for the P.W.L. I would raise a kick. The +idea of an old frump like that letting professional jealousy interfere +with Art. + +"After the performance that night the author got busy and rewrote the +whole second act, and had it all ready by the time we landed in +Washington. + +"Do you think we get a chance to rush around and mingle with the +Congressmen and other such truck? Not on your life. It was to the show +shop for us and do the big rehearsal all day, and we only had time to +slip out and soak up a sandwich and get back in time for the evening's +performance. + +"I changed my tights from blue to pink for the first night and scored +another personal triumph. So much so that the soubrette made it a point +to stand in front of me every time she did a number with the chorus. She +belonged over on the other side in front of the Glonesganes creature, in +order to dress the stage, and the manager jumped all over her for +moving. + +"The show went big that night, and the next day some of the critics +spoke favorably of it. I don't care what they say, it's a good show, and +as the plot has been almost entirely eliminated it should go well here. + +"After rehearsing all day Tuesday we were allowed to walk up and down +Pennsylvania avenue and get acquainted. I met a gentleman who said he +had been introduced to me in New York, and he certainly treated me +grand. We went over to the Willard for supper, and he just tossed the +menu toward me, careless like, and said, 'Got to it, kid.' Talk about +your Southern gallantry! A bunch of these near-sports will rush a girl +into a feedshop, and they have no more than got seated at the table +before he will commence talking about the big dinner he has just had, so +that the poor thing feels like a burglar if she eats anything more than +a couple of lobsters. But not this Percival, he frankly admitted that he +hadn't had anything to eat for a week and scratched no entries. + +"I wish these New Yorkers were that way--nothing personal dear--but they +have become so callous to feeding the merry-merry that they have the big +eat dodging stunt down to a science. The only way to get more than a +two-dollar, including wine, feed out of most of these moss-covered +pocketbooks is by blasting. + +"Why, I have known certain parties to adopt the subterfuge of going out +to telephone and then beating it to avoid paying the check. Thus leaving +the poor feedee to pay the bill or wait longingly for a friend to show +up on the horizon. + +"A gentleman who will pull off a deal like that is not worthy of the +confidence of one of our sex. But, understand, I am not by any means +damning the whole male sex, for I have met gentlemen who threw the lid +of their grouch bag in the gutter and didn't care if they ever found it +again. Those is the kind of parties that has my trust. Me grub, and I +got money in the bank? Sure I do. I got to keep in training somehow, so +if I did lose my inheritance I wouldn't be out of practice. + +"Wilbur don't blame me for it. He says that the object in life of an +agent and a chorus girl is to plant everything they can get their fins +into whenever they can, for it don't last long, and the good people +ain't healthy. And goodness knows I sure do need my health. For though I +appear to be a strong, robust creature I am a frail woman. + +"Wilbur can moan and groan around with a hangover for a couple of days, +but I have to be right on the job all the time with this smiling face +and laughing eye thing, or he would seek some other place for sympathy. +Why, many a morning I have spoke light and happy words of cheer to him +over the 'phone with a tongue as thick as a board-walk and the inside of +my nob yearning to burst loose and flop around in the cool morning air. + +"Do I caper up to the transmitter and sob, 'Oh, darling, I fear me that +I am not long for this earth!' Never! I take a long drink of ice water, +and when his 'Is this you, kid?' comes over the wire I chirrup back, +real bright and gay, 'Right O, Kiddo!' and when he says he don't believe +he can live through the day, do I suggest that we die together? Not I! I +tell him to forget it and go downstairs and have George mix him up a mug +full of the hair of the dog that bit him. That shows the love of a good +woman. + +"Was you at the Chorus Girls' Ball last Saturday night? My, I would +hate to cast any reflections on the judges, but their choice certainly +was bum. Still I suppose they are old men and not up on the modern 1908 +rules on osculation. + +"In their day when a young man imprinted a chaste salute on a dame's +alabaster forehead he was supposed to go into a fit of delight, but not +according to this year's book. Now they clinch with a strangle hold and +stick till one or the other drops from exhaustion. I did not enter the +contest, for I am not a chorus girl; I am a show girl, if you please. +What's the difference? Five a week. + +"This kissing craze is getting to be something scandalous. Not that I +object to it. But I blush to think that the time-honored customs that +were once performed in the front parlor, with the gas turned low, is now +used in contests and numbered as a feat of strength. + +"Wilbur and I went to the ball together, and as soon as he struck the +hut he wanted to rush right over and run a few trial heats with the +contestants, but the easy way with which I made him change his mind was +a joy to the eye. He said to me as we went in the door, I think I will +toddle over to the paddock and see if the fillies are in form. He was +making a wild rush to check his shawl when I mentioned casual like, as +if I wasn't noticing myself saying it, 'You know that I am an added +starter.' Bing! Skyrockets! Wilbur goes up in the air and comes down all +spraddled out. + +"'What!' he pipes, as soon as he got his breath, 'my financed bride +billed to appear in a hugging handicap? Not yet! Sabrina you certainly +do jag my jib to think that you would enter into such a deal. From now +on our trail parts.' 'Oh, I don't know,' I said. 'What's sauce for the +goose is sauce for the gander, and if you pull off any stunts you can +figure that I will be in the running. And that goes as it lays.' + +"That was no nice language for a lady, but it put the brakes on Wilbur's +osculatory aspirations so quick that he stopped with a jolt. He canceled +the date and we went up into the box and stood in the receiving line for +wine agents. + +"Wilbur knew that he had to stand hitched or I wouldn't let him go to +the Twenty-three Club dinner tonight. He has been training for the event +for the last two weeks, and he says that he will be able to outdistance +the bunch before 4 a.m., and you know that's going some. + +"It's a pity they wouldn't let us women in on their feed deals. They go +out and fill up on beefsteak while we have to stick around and drown our +sorrows in a cheese sandwich. And goodness knows that while they are +nourishing they don't give you any new ideas. + +"I only hope our show is a success, for if Wilbur and I get married +every penny will help, and I don't want to lance my personal fresh air +fund for anything more than a bridal veil. Wilbur and I are just like +two doves, but I am taking no chances, for press agents are fickle +people. + +"With all due regard to Wilbur's feelings I must say that the agent of +our company is a dog. He had the nerve to come up to us girls and want +us to beat it up and down Broadway with signs boosting the show on our +backs. A doll would stand a swell chance in Jack's with a big sign +reading, 'Go see 'The Abused Cruller' at the Folly' on her vertebrae, +now wouldn't she? + +"Can you see me as the walking three-sheet? I make exhibition enough of +myself on the stage without prancing up and down with one of those +things tied to my Fluffy Ruffles. + +"I just had an awful time in Washington. One of the girls that dresses +in the same room with me came in with one of those crying buns on and +shed so many weeps in my makeup box that I had to put it on with an +atomizer. + +"I did all a human being could do to bring her to--rubbed her hands and +slapped her face; but even then she was in no fit condition to appear. +Go on she would, in spite of my prayers, and what does she do when she +comes tripping on, blithe and gay as a school girl, but stumble and do a +slide on her profile half way across the O.P. side, just as the tenor +was starting the chorus to his song, 'Bevey in Little Children.' He +being a nervous party springs a blue note that got the musical director +hysterical and he forgot to give the bass drum man his cue and the whole +thing went to blazes. + +"It was lucky that the stage manager was making a date on the dressing +room stairs, or what she would have got would have been a-plenty. + +"You know Laura O'Toole who was married a few weeks ago? Well, she is +again a widow. Her husband got a job with a road show. She was thinking +of wearing mourning, but her husband staked her to the price of a new +spring suit and she said that conventionalities could go hang, as she +had a shape and was going to show it. I don't blame her. Why let grief +put it on style? + +"Gee, it won't be long before summer, and then we will get our salaries +reduced. That's the trouble with the people I work for. Every time they +get a success here in town they start to reduce salaries. If the company +would stand for it we would be owing them money every week before the +end of the season. They think a girl hasn't nothing to do but ride +around in an automobile and look sweet. + +"Well, me to get on the war paint. Say, have you offered your services +for the Friar Festival yet? Well, you had better get on the job if you +want to consider yourself classy. So long! Oh, you know the ushers will +hand flowers over the footlights if you just tell him who they are for. +Bye-bye." + + + + + The show opens on Broadway and Sabrina shows surprise at the + number of harsh words in the English language. She discloses the + methods of the Lease Breakers Association and mentions the + events that transpired at a little informal gathering. + + + +CHAPTER FOURTEEN + + +"My, did you see what the critics said about our show?" exclaimed +Sabrina, Show Girl, as her maid opened the door. "Wasn't it awful? I +didn't know there were so many mean words in the book. And the nerve of +them to pan me after meeting several of them socially. One of them said +that I looked so good standing up that it was a crime to have me sit +down, but when I spoke for goodness sake get the muffler. The mut! I +should go down and horsewhip him. But no, that's what us people that +figure in public are bound to get. They never say a good word until +after the minister says, 'Dust thou art to dust returneth,' and then +some cluck is liable to come along and dig up a bunch of letters. + +"I am thinking seriously of taking a flat until summer. I don't like +this hotel, one has to keep so many conventionalities. Why, the other +day my 'phone was out of order and I ran down to the desk in my kimona +to telephone and the clerk had the nerve to call me for it. Can you +surpass that? I told him to open his ears and let his head cool off. + +"I was looking at a nice flat the other day, but they want me to sign a +lease. What do I know about a lease? There ain't no half salary clause +in it. If I did sign the lease and want to beat it all I would do would +be to call in the Lease Breakers' Association and I could leave the next +day. That mob responds to a call like the crowd in the Cadillac when +some one says, I'll buy,' and you can take it from me that's going some. + +"Sure, haven't you heard of the Lease Breakers' Association? They +guarantee to break any lease in less than a week. It is composed of a +mob of select ladies and gentlemen who can make the most noise. A person +wishing to leave their abode and handicapped with a lease has but to +blow the whistle for this gang and furnish plenty of refreshments and +there is nothing to it. I attended one the other evening and we all had +the one grand time. + +"A friend of mine has ceased being married and naturally has no more use +for a whole flat, so she approached the cruel landlord and asked for a +release. Did she get it? Not. He told her that she would have to stick +or stand the consequences. Does she tear out a bunch of hair and rave +all over the room? Not her. She gets the members of the Lease Breakers +on the 'phone and that night they hold the big celebration and the next +morning four tenants kicked to the landlord. The morning after that the +whole building kicked in a body and the janitor had to repair two +ceilings. Then the guv asked her to move and she refused until he gave +up her month's rent. She was foolish like one of those birds they call a +fox. I guess, yes. These landlords have to go some if they want to get +ahead of the simple Bohemians. What they want rent for beats me. They +own the houses and that ought to satisfy them. + +"If I do get this flat, take it from me, we will pull off the grand one +time. I intend to hold a reception every evening after the show until I +get a request to move. + +"Say, here's the big jest in our set. You know, Olga Jones and her +husband don't get along very well together. Their temperaments don't +jibe. + +"Well, her soul mate and she had given hubby the slip and were down in +my apartments putting on the finishing touches to the big eats. Soul +Mate was telling the story of his life to Olga when in kicks the dame +that Soul Mate had formerly been in love with. + +"They are both wise people and neither tip their mit, though Soul Mate +grew restless with his feet. This was about 4 a.m. and the mere shank of +the evening, as it were. When all of a sudden, Bing! Bing! on the door +and in waltzed Olga's handicap, who had been out and soaked up a souse, +and not finding little wifey when he returned to the hut, he starts out +on a still hunt and ropes in my shack. + +"Hubby comes in carrying weight for grouch and pipes party of +five--Blonde Party, Olga, Soul Mate, Wilbur and me. Calls down wifey for +not coming home. Business of language. I kick in and tells him to have a +drink. Nothing to it. Oil on the troubled waters looked like an also +ran. + +"Hubby was perfectly content and after a drink or two he beat it, +telling wifey to hurry home. Fine. Blonde Party finds she is fifth wheel +and also ducks. Then Olga lands on Soul Mate. 'Who is this peroxide +party?' + +"'Only an old passing fancy,' chirrups Soul Mate. + +"Olga tears her hair and bites out a bunch of hectic language about +having the only man she ever loved being false, and how life is naught +but a hollow bubble and all that kind of rot. Wilbur having sporting +blood was for kidding them on and seeing if they would mix it, but me +desiring peace and quiet told what I didn't know about the affair and +squared things. Business of embracing. + +"Did you pipe the sassy half-sheets Mr. McManus got out for the Friar +Festival? Ain't they just too pretty for words? Do you know who that guy +reading the Friar song down in the corner is? Don't breathe a word and +I'll tell you. It's Phil Mindel. Honest it is. George sketched it from +life one night over at the Booze Arts. + +"Us chorus girls were talking of marching to Albany in a body with drums +beating and flags flying and demanding that the anti-betting bill be +ditched. It is something fierce the way these reformers are trying to +put the bee on our pleasures. + +"I just dote on horse races. Why, I can go to the track and sit in the +cafe for hours. I wonder what these guys think we are going to do with +our spare time this summer? Sit at home and make sofa pillows? Why, +there is no greater sport in the world than riding out to Sheepshead or +Jamaica in an auto and then borrowing money from your escort to bet on +the patty-pats. It's a great system. If you lose the John gets nothing, +and if you win you take everything, so it is fair for all parties. + +"If they want to do something truly noble they should put those moving +picture shows out of business. Pretty soon when they want the chorus to +show up they will let down a sheet, throw on the picture and turn loose, +'Welcome, your highness, welcome' on the phonograph. I ain't mentioning +any names, but there is a bunch of these parties that belong on a moving +picture. + +"What do you know about the circus? Ain't it all to the pickles? Me +there the other matinee in a real box, courtesy of the management. Did +you get your attention called to the two Janes that did the ride in the +hurdics down the hill? Some class to that act. Imagine looping the loop +in the air! Not for Sabrina, the pride of the chorus. As long as I can +make my living on my shape you don't catch me trying to damage it +soaring around in the atmosphere. Not for five dollars more a week, as +bad as I need the money. + +"I went to see Wells Hawks and the elephants. Both of them are permanent +fixtures, though they do say that he is kept busy looking after the +animals at both the Hip. and the circus. And the clowns! May I be struck +dead if I didn't just rear back and howl my head off at those crazy +clucks. + +"Alla McSweeney certainly is a sneeze. She has no idea of the fitness of +things. I was telling her just the other day. I said, 'Alla, you +certainly are no piker. You'll go out and mace a good fellow for a big +feed just as if he was a John. Now, that ain't right. When you are out +with a James go to it and eat your head off. But when you are out with +some one in the business or a newspaper man be circumscribe. Though you +may want to wade through the whole dope sheet hitch your desire and +order what you think he can afford, and lay back until you get a live +one.' + +"What? Sure we do. If a Jane goes out with a John that has nothing but. +Nothing's too good for her and walking is hard on the feet. The more +money the wop spends the bigger sport he thinks he is, but a fellow +professional has honorable intentions, sometimes, and it is considered +wise not to show what you are accustomed to until after he has bought +the ring or written some letters. I may go out with some fellow and +order everything from soup to nuts just to show him that I can, but the +way I won Wilbur's heart was by ordering a cheese sandwich the first +time he invited me out. + +"My goodness! How I run on, and here it is getting late. Well, I must +toddle along and see how the Friar Festival is. I have a personal +interest in that. So long. Say, the next time you expect to get lanced +for the big feed tell her you were once in the business and it will save +you money. Ta, ta." + + + + + In which Sabrina has a row with the stage-manager, leaves the + show, frivols in the vineyard, denounces the male sex as being + all alike, threatens, to take the veil, but finally falls upon + the neck of her betrothed and all is forgotten. + + + +CHAPTER FIFTEEN + + +We came upon Sabrina seated alone at a table in the rear of a cafe; her +hat was tilted rakishly over one ear, a couple of strands of hair were +hanging down over her forehead, a bright spot glowed on each cheek and +her eyes had a dim, moist appearance. The table was covered with glasses +and bottles and the chairs looked as if they had been hastily shoved +back. + +As we approached her she waved her hand joyfully and exclaimed, 'Welcome +bri' Springtime. Wel-come to our country village. You--you behold in me +the only living survivor of the wreck of the Hesperus. Parade ri' up, +and give the waiter your hat, coat and vest and bevy in. Though I have +just given nineteen dollars' worth of hair puffs away as +sou-sou-ven--you say it, I feel like a new born child. Once again I am +care fre' and heart fre'. Tra la la la le. I have just decorated Wilbur +with the sacred order of the bee and I--hurray! hurray!--am no longer a +near-bride. Take it fr'm muh I feel so happy I don' care if I get spots +all over the fron' of my waist. I feel like a lark. Yes shur, a +bottled-in-bond lark. Whatever that ish. An' I still got the engagemen' +ring at that. + +"Waiter! Waiter! Garsong! Thish gentleman has a few words to shay to +you, an' don' take no for an answer. Oh, yes, you arch your eyebrows in +sus-sus-picioning and shay that I have been two-stepping around the +juniper bowl and I will answer, 'Right O!' Just like that. + +"I make it a rule to cel'brate all suspicious occasions by revelry and +goo' cheer. Oh, won' I have a head in the morning! But now. + +"Behold I appear as Columbine! I toil not neither do I spin. Listen, my +dear. The last two days have been fraught--whatever that is--with +incidences that would bring gray hairs to the head of much stronger +women than I. + +"It came off last night. I was out to supper with a couple of +gentlemen--Wilbur and an-another gent. We were so busy talking things +over that I didn't get to the theater until the middle of the first act. +My, I never saw a man so peevish as that stage manager. I had no more +than exchanged the courtesies of the day with the stage doorkeeper and +asked after his sick child than that mut-faced sneeze that calls himself +a stage manager had the nerve to rush up an fine me five dollars. Wha'da +you think of that? + +"I told him that I positively refused to appear the rest of the evening. +Then he told me that I was fired? What do you know about that? I said, +calm and dignified, like the perfec' lady I am, 'All ri', you can do as +you please with your old show, I don't care, I don't care, nothing +bothers me,' and with those kind words I caper up to the dressing room +and take that expensive gown I wear in the third act and stuck it in the +wash bowl and turned on the water. It needed cleaning anyway. Then I put +a few things that oughta belong to me in my makeup box and beat it. + +"I had to kiss everybody in the company goo' bye and that made the stage +wait and the manager came chasing around without any goat and tol' me +never to darken his door again. That's all ri' with muh. His blooming +door was dark enough anyway. Then I waltz back to where Wilbur and the +gentleman are and break the news. Wilbur gets sore, for since I +commenced wearing those pink tights he doped out a great dramatic career +for me. And naturally he was vexed. For he saw no show of being able to +lay off work. + +"Wilbur started to chide me. I was in too gra' a nervousness state to be +chid' an' I tol' him sho. Did he have compassion and pity on muh in my +vis-vis-situdes? No! Abso-o-o-lutely no! I says all ri' old top, if you +look at it that way I guess I can bear up through the heat of the day +without your assistance, an' if it's just the same to you I will toddle +ri' along and peddle my matches. + +"Wilbur pricks up his ears at those few words and tries to copper his +remarks, but not for a minute could I see through the fog. + +"I just gather up my skirt and sweep majestically out of the room, jump +into taxicab and proceed to hunt pleasure and relaxation. What do you +know about that? + +"Ah! here is the little waiter with his shining morning face. Get me +another one of the same and keep your eagle eye on these gentlemen's +mugs and see that they do not get dry. Say, take it from me, if I felt +any better I'd break out in a rash. I abso-o-o-o-lutely have no regard +for the future. I don' care whether school keeps or not, and Curfew can +ring her young head off for all I care. I am going to make old Omar feel +like a temperance lecturer before I get through this celebration. I am +willing to drink everything but 'Merry Widow' cocktails, for they make +you want to steal your own clothes. + +"I was expecting to enjoy a box at Ted Marks' big pow-wow at the New +York this afternoon, but I fear me at about that time the only thing I +will be in condition to attend will be the usual hang-over party in the +Metropole. + +"Mr. Marks is sure the one clever party. He's going to organize a club +called 'The Human Nightkeys.' Any one that goes to bed before daylight +is barred. Lee Harrison offered his services as sergeant-of-arms to see +that the rule is observed. + +"Now that Summer is coming on this sleep question is getting shoved off +in a dark corner by itself. It always was a waste of time. + +"I don't care a whoop for the best man that breathes and now that I have +slipped Wilbur the go'-by I shall never fall in love with one of his sex +again. Tell muh, do I look all ri'. I haven't detailed the rest of this +adventure, have I? Well, I left Wilbur and met a nice quiet party that +was singing 'We're Afraid to Go Home in the Dark' over in Jack's and I +at once began to mingle. They were all good fellows, so I nearly gave +them heart trouble by ordering wine for the crowd. + +"I will not endeavor to chronicle the amount of lush I tucked away. I +will only state that if I had not been a good friend to the bell hops I +never would have gotten upstairs. + +"Estelle, that's muh maid, was sitting up with her face to the pane +waiting for me to come home, and just to show her how grateful I was I +gave her all of Wilbur's pictures and all the change I had in my +stocking. Waiter, you are forgetting your duties in part. + +"I finally got to bed and then I pulled off the big cry. Booze, you +understand, and not because I lost that hot-air shooting, lush-working, +expense-account-grubbing wah of a Wilbur. I should say not. Don't think +that I wear pink tights and can't get the best man that ever breathed. + +"I am not a bit like that Glonesganes creature. Why, she actually throws +herself at the head of every man she meets. Honest, you can't take her +out to supper in a crowd before she's engaged to some two or three in +the party. Fact. Ask any of the girls. We all swore to tell the same +story about her. + +"Am I going back on the stage. Well, I should hope so, dear. What do you +think I would do with myself if I didn't have to beat it to the shop at +least once a day. I tried it once when I first got my fortune, but life +became so monotonous and I got so fat that I had to start rehearsing in +order to get back to my former self. + +"Say, I think the last dipperful made me feel better. Waiter, come out +of your trance. Gee, but I do feel great. + +"Won't you all have a little something to eat. A steak smothered in +pickles or something like that. Go as far as you like. You know I ain't +that kind of a girl. When I'm treating there's no entries scratched. Go +ahead do as you please. I ain't going to get married, so I don't have to +save my money. + +"You just watch Wilbur hedge. I got spies out and they say he's been in +every cafe in town looking for me. Wants to make up. Watch little birdie +here. If he comes monkeying around me again I'll pick up one of these +and knock him clean out from under his hat. Trifler. How I ever fell for +him certainly gets me. How anybody could love a press agent or an actor +gets me for that matter. I have been crossed in love and am running no +more chances. + +"I shall never get married. Never! That statement is for publication. I +shall live in peace and quiet near some good cafe and drown my old age +in mixed drinks. + +"You needn't think I am soused, but I am going to tell you this. Unless +Wilbur and I make up the Friar Festival will have to get along without +my services. Why, I got every John in town so bunked that every time +they see me coming they take it on the run for some place that I can't +get to 'em, 'cause I lance 'em for a pair of seats every time our trails +cross. + +"I lost eight dinner engagements last week just on that account and what +do I get for it? Ice water. That's all. + +"Wilbur rushes up and demands more seats and the committee thinks he is +having an awful rush of business and its muh with my shoulder to the +wheel. I had a run in with Wilbur already about the Friar Girl that +Harrison Fisher drew on the front of the programme. Wilbur told me that +I could have the job and I finds out that he told everybody in the +company the same thing. Press agents is crafty people. And he can play +both ends against the middle in a manner that would make your hair curl. + +"I don't care! I don't care! Wilbur can run and make faces at himself. +Nothing bothers muh. Waiter, are you asleep at the switch? I am no +longer a fiancee. I am a free woman. + +"Say, what'yer going to do 'morrow? Let's get one of these taxicab +things and see if we can't run it to death. + +"I never found the limit yet on one of those gasmeter attachments, an' I +am the inquisitive soul. Line out to Claremont or some of those foolish +places. Sure, we'll start early, about noon, and enjoy the beautiful +Spring-air and highballs. Are you on? Sure I'll be there with my hair in +a braid. I am the Rural Kid these days and a stunt like that suits me +from the ground up. + +"Who is that coming in the door? Why, its Wilbur! He sees me! Do I look +all ri'? Here, Wilbur, here. Sit down and have a drink, dear, I have +been looking for you everywhere. Forget that deal last night. So long +fellows. Waiter give me the check; I don't care what becomes of my money +now." + + + + + Sabrina gives an automobile party to several of her friends so + that they may enjoy the country air, but after investigating the + atmosphere carefully the opinion of the entire party is that the + only healthful ozone is that that comes out of a champagne + bottle. + + + +CHAPTER SIXTEEN + + +"Where you all going?" demanded a voice, and looking around we +discovered Sabrina, the Show Girl, and two of her girl friends seated in +a big red automobile that was drawn up to the curb. "Come on, jump in," +she continued. "We are out to commune with nature for a few minutes and +you might just as well be a commuter as the rest of us. Ain't this the +one grand weather? + +"No, you sit back here. We will make Wilbur sit up in front so that we +can see he don't grub the eats. He's inside lancing the management for a +group of free lunch and a package of liquid refreshments. Here he comes +now. Bless his young heart he's got his arms full. Ain't it grand to be +loved by such a man? + +"No, Wilbur, you get up in the hurricane deck and we all will sit in the +caboose. Have we got everything? Alla, did you forget the hot-water bag +full of cracked ice for the champagne? Now, let's see where shall we go +first to get the most nature? We can stop at the Cadillac, the Circle, +the Casino in the Park and then make a quick jump to Claremont. + +"In that way we can get some of the delightful Spring air and not be far +from a head waiter at any time. Thats right, Sadie, you big gump, put +your feet on the crackers. Those were bought to eat and not to be used +as a door mat. Still, if you must wipe your feet we can print 'Welcome' +on one of the crackers and you can clean your Dorothy Dodds till you are +black in the face. + +"Is everything ready? Do I look all right? Wilbur, give the motorman two +bells. Look out, there! There goes Er Lawshe with a plaster cast of +Genee under his arm. Do you want to make him drop it and break his +heart? + +"Sadie, it is not necessary to give the furtive glance to every +gentleman who admires the machine. Go ahead and see if you can't scrape +the paint off the cop. Alla, my dear, you know it isn't necessary to +start eating now, you'll get yours, and besides several of the places we +will stop at have free lunches, so you can have all that you are +accustomed to without making inroads on the provision supply at this +stage of the game. + +"What 'a we got in the larder? Fifteen bottles and 10 cents' worth of +crackers. My! it seems to me you are squandering an awful lot of money +on food. Of course, if we get shipwrecked or something they may come in +handy, but at present writing they are excess baggage. + +"Whoa, chauffeur! Don't you see that bock beer sign? Whenever you see +one of those turn the corner and stop at the family entrance. Hitch the +machine and we will all soon see what mine host has in the way of +nourishment. Sadie, it is not necessary to show such unseeming haste, as +it is now but early noon and the place does not close until after +midnight. + +"This is a low-browed dump, but any port in a storm, as the poets say. +As I am directing this Cook's tour we will have but one drink here. + +"Wilbur, how do you know that the bar-keeps name is George? Have you +been false to me and been here with another? Bartenders are called +George just like Chinamen are called John? What are you trying to bale +out to me? Do you think I am a boob? + +"Now, Alla, go to it and quench your thirst, for it may be several +blocks before we stop again. My, ain't this warm weather glorious! It +makes one so thirsty. Come, people, let's get back in the herdic, for we +have a long journey ahead of us. + +"There you go again, Sadie. Stepping all over the crackers. Before we +get through we will have to take them in capsules. Look out for that +car! Gee, those cars are bad enough without being mashed up more by some +sneeze wagon. Certainly we'll go through the Fifth avenue entrance to +the park. I may be some things, but I am no piker, and, besides, we got +as much license as anybody. I remember when I used to go horseback +riding through here every morning and I always had my groom in a +beautiful red livery following me. I had the most beautiful black horse +and an elegant riding habit. Why, there wasn't a day but what I was +invited out to lunch. Sadie, that was very uncalled for. I am in no +trance. You, of course, not being accustomed to those things, naturally +look upon those people who were brought up on such stuff as balloon +juice merchants. Maybe that will make you stand hitched. + +"Look at that hearse go by us. Driver, if you are any good you will make +that outfit look as if they were bound to the bannister. + +"That's right, give them a touch of high life. Zow-e, if we are going +less than a mile a minute I hope I have to walk home. Cheese, there's a +bike cop. Can you loose him? Beat it. Good-by, Bobby. Look out, there's +another one in front. Slow up, for goodness sake, or we will be pinched. +What is it, sergeant? Oh, no, sir. Not more than six miles an hour, I am +sure. + +"This machine has got a dudedad on it that prevents it from going more +than ten. Won't you have a little drink, officer? Just smile on the gent +in the front seat; he's right there with the distillery. Wilbur, chase +the roof off a jug of suds for the Lieutenant. I tell you, Captain, on +my honor as a lady, we are not going more that six miles an hour. Must +take us to the station! Why, you low-down, monkey-faced excuse for a +sparrow cop, would you have the crust to stand up in front of a judge +and tell him that we were going faster than ten miles an hour? If you +want to get us to the station it's a cinch you will have to push the +machine. Walk! Not so you could notice it. The only way you can get me +there is to drag me by the hair of my head, and if you dare lay your +mitts on my new marcel wave I will report you to your Commissioner, and +if a certain friend of mine don't stand strong enough with him to have +you broke, I'll eat my ostrich plume! + +"Will let us go if we promise not to do it again? Why, certainly we +won't, Sergeant. Thank you, Lieutenant. Here's a little something for +the Relief Fund. Good-by, Captain. Wilbur give the driver two bells. The +nerve of that guy thinking he could pinch me. I'll have you know that I +am only nicked by the best cops on Broadway, and not by any high-grass +constable. Hand 'em salve, pardy, hand 'em salve. A soft answer turneth +away wrath. If that don't turn the trick use a brick. + +"Oh, gee, there it is. Go around and come up the other side so we can be +seen from all the tables. + +"Let's take this table. Waiter, get on the job, as these gentlemen and +ladies wish to address a few remarks to you. Oh, there's Grace +McSweeney. Pipe the hat she is sporting. Bum taste, it strikes me. Who +is that slob with her? Oh, hello, dear! I was just speaking of your new +hat to Sadie. We both admired it so. + +"We were wondering how you could wear it coming up on the Subway. I've +found that the wind blows them all to pieces in my car. Who's the wop? +From Pittsburg? Oh, is that so? He reminds me so much of a very dear +friend of mine that was sent up for life. No, I suppose it's not the +same party, though they are as alike as two peas. No, I don't care to +meet him. You know one in my position cannot afford to associate with +every Tom, Dick and Harry. Must you toddle? Good-by, dear. + +"Cat! Did you get wise to the way I slipped her the sassy roast? Well, +here's down the Irish channel. Varlet, fill up the flagons again. I just +love to sit here and look out at Nature and the railroad tracks and the +brick scows. + +"Where do we go from here? You made me think I was back in the business. +Oh, I don't care. Yonkers, over in Westchester County, or we can take +the ferry for Jersey if you want to go out in the wilderness. It makes +not an iota of difference to muh. Just as long as the chauffeur stays +sober. Shall we hike? Lets slip up the drive for a ways. Sadie, are you +ever going to have sense enough to keep your hoofs off those crackers? +Honest, I don't believe your think tank is feeding properly. Why don't +you blow in it and clear it out? + +"Sure, I'll caper out to Yonkers if the rest of the crowd want to. I am +just that kind of a fellow. Ain't I, Wilbur, dear? Oh, my, don't for +mercy sakes disturb him. He's hunting locations for the Friar +three-sheets that Mr. Gillen slipped 'em. He's got Mr. McManus' art +studies planted now so that the burg looks like a Kansas town the day +after the number two car of the circus leaves. + +"Did you know that they are enlarging the secret tunnel in the new +Friary so that Toxen Worm can get his getaway if the occasion should +arise? Honest, it looks like the front view of the Hoboken tunnel. Oh, +law me, what is that in the offening? Eureka! It's another cafe, or do +muh eyes deceive me? I am athirst, let us rest our weary beast and +partake of a flagon of nut brown ale. Say, I guess I would be bad in +this Shakespeare thing. Alight, fair maids, and nominate your idea +provokers. + +"Waiter, follow those people's directions and do not let the mice build +nests under your feet. Sink this and we will then continue our journey. + +"Now, Sadie, as a friend I ask you don't do a ballet on them crackers. +Run over the mutt. What care we for life. Gee, the canine is right there +as the artful dodger. Ah! what? Bing! What was that? A puncture! My! For +goodness sake, how long will we be bogged down. Oh, we can wait that +long, can't we, dears? Pipe the yokel. Shall I hand him a game of +chatter? No? Oh, very well. + +"Let's have a picnic. Wilbur, get on the job and skid out the liquids. +Alla, you may bring out what is left of the crackers. If that woman +hasn't paraded over them biscuits until there isn't a piece there big +enough to make a nice comfortable mouthful for a young flea. + +"Throw 'em away, we don't want to overload our stomachs anyhow. Can you +surpass that for a man. Here we've come all these weary miles carefully +nursing these bottles to our bosoms and then that excuse there has the +crust to speak up and say, 'I forgot the corkscrew.' Can you beat it? +Wilbur, you just get on the job and pull them out with your teeth. Get +away, you big standup and fall down, I'll show you how to get them out. +What do you think us fair sex wear hat pins for, hey, shover? Want some +of this jig juice for your tire? Right-o! Ain't I the English scamp? Got +her fixed all right? Climb in, folks, and we will journey homeward, for +I am beginning to feel thirsty and you certainly don't get the same +treatment here that you do in town. Sadie, now that the crackers are +gone I wish you would please remember that that is my foot. Say, you can +never learn some of these dolls nothing. Nothing personal, my dear, +though your hair is light. + +"Don't you dish me out any hectic language, for I am a lady. I might +forget myself and smear one all over you. Wilbur, are you going to sit +up there and see your near-bride insulted by a woman? If you don't come +back here and make her stop abusing me I'll take and bump your two +hearts together. Now that goes if you hear it and I am speaking in no +whisper. + +"Can that fight talk even if this is a pleasure party. My, how time does +fly! We are nearly home now. Let's all go down the street and see what's +doing. Must you leave us? Don't rush away in the heat of the forenoon. +So long. My, I am glad that man's out of the machine!" + + + + + Sabrina, in spite of the anti-betting law, goes to the race + track and returns with money. She also drops a few remarks + concerning gentlemen who claim their scarf-pins have been + purloined by ladies. + + + +CHAPTER SEVENTEEN + + +"Them Senators that put the kibosh on that racetrack bill can consider +themselves as personal friends of every chorus Fluff that ever scanned a +dope sheet," remarked Sabrina, the Show Girl, as she alighted from a new +big automobile. "Pipe the ferry-boat. It's all mine; name on every +piece. And I am personally thankful to those gents that I am the proud +possessor of the same. + +"Did I catch? Well, I should hope so, dear. I landed this buzz wagon out +of a ten dollar pike bet. Can you surpass it? Talk about playing in +luck. Wait until I touch wood. Wilbur says betting on the races beats +trifling with the affections of an expense account all to pieces. + +"You know that, though I lead a simple and uneventful existence, the +inheritance that was left me was pretty near all in, and it was either +up to me to get married, get a job on one of the roofs or catch a live +one, and I thought the best of all the evils was to catch the +aforementioned live one. I am not one of these Janes that goes dotty +over the pit-i-pats, and though I always sit up until The Morning +Telegraph comes out on the street, the racing news is not the first +thing I turn to. + +"Wilbur's show closes in a couple of weeks and he is going to the island +for the summer. Can that old stuff. I mean Coney, not Blackwell's. I +been piking around for a hunch for some time, and just the other evening +I was out with a party who is interested in the bet placing business at +all of the big tracks, and he said he was hep to a few killings, and any +time I would come out he would give them to me and I could play the +other books. + +"Knowing that he had influence, I naturally took an interest in him, +but, say, this is a long, sad story and--. Ah, certainly! I knew you +could not suppress your Southern hospitality much longer--that is, I +hoped you couldn't. Yes, waiter; bring me a long one. + +"Well, I took a peep at my check-book about a week ago and decided that +it was me for the track. I meets this wop and he certainly lands me in +right. He gives me a twenty case note and the card. I got the twenty +changed and plants ten of it in the Lisle Thread Bank, making up my mind +that no matter what happened the day would not be ill-spent. + +"I plays his tip at 8 to 1 on the first race and ketches. Out of that +ninety I plant forty. Still following the kind gentleman's advice I +pikes the fifty on a dog in the second race and he never does come in. + +"Can you beat that? This betting person picks the whole card but this +one race. I lose my fifty and was thinking seriously of going home when +I got a yen to try it again, so I dug up a twenty out of the hose. +Honest, it nearly broke my heart to separate myself from that roll, but +I just had to do it. I get twenty to one, go into hysterics at the +quarter, faint at the half, but come to in time to see my money coming +in so far ahead it looked as if he was out for a pleasure trip. Can you +see me with that 400 in my mit? Talk about throwing fits. Why, I had the +Leamy Ladies looking like children romping on the nursery floor. + +"There was nothing to it. I had a hunch to grab the bundle and beat it +for home and crawl under the bed. And then I had another hunch that told +me to stick for the big show. I plant one century in my war bag and get +seven to two on the next with the other three. I win. + +"Then I do want to go home. I felt ill. + +"But just then a gentleman introduced himself to me and we went and had +a little drink. That made me feel better, and so I ditched the purveyor +of refreshments and fled to the clubhouse. There is nothing more to tell +except that I couldn't lose and I came home in an automobile with my +clothes so full of this evergreen stuff that I looked as if I had +spavins or something else. + +"I made $6,000 on the day, which is not so bad for a poor fluff like me. +That night the gentleman who gave me the tips called me up and wanted +his original twenty back, saying the public got all his roll. Can you +beat that? I told him I thought he was a moonstone sport, and to never +darken my door again. + +"He needed money bad, and through a friend I let him have a couple of +thou on this machine. Ain't I the business woman? + +"Wilbur and I have just been riding ourselves to death ever since. He +has been acting awful lately. Ever since he heard that Friar Weber and +Friar Field were going to appear together at the festival he has been +soused. It was all I could do to restrain him from kissing Phil Mindel +in the Cadillac the other evening. He just don't care what he does. + +"Have you bought your tickets? Let me see. I have six choice ones here +in the seventh row. You'll want to bring your family, of course, 'cause +it will be the chance of a lifetime. Nothing like it seen before under +one canvas. For stellar attractions it's going to have Barnum & Bailey's +looking like a Sunday school entertainment. Yes, sir, and I personally +will be there like the Trinity chimes. + +"Alla McSweeney has gone and blown herself for one of these racecourse +hats. You know these big things that have a half-mile track around the +outside. While I do not wish to injure the poor dear, still I will say +that she certainly looks one of these long-handled Jap umbrellas. You +know she is such a skinny thing! Honest, this new hip style they are +boosting this season just saved her life. She was getting saddle galls +from carrying so many naturals. I wouldn't say this unless I absolutely +knew, and of course I have seen her early in the morning when you +haven't. + +"There are little confidences us girls exchange in the privacy of our +boudoirs that would never do for the ear of a man. She tried to get a +job as one of those six-foot girls in 'The Love Waltz,' but the manager +told her she had better go with a circus. She naturally queried 'Why?' +And he, the rude thing, told her she could get a job as a quarter-pole. +That's why she could never get a job with the Held show. She was all +right in low neck, but when it came to tights! Well, you know bowlegs +never did appeal to the front row. + +"Mind you, I wouldn't say a thing that would hurt her character the +least bit, but you should have seen the way she carried on when she was +out in Chicago. You know that anyone who runs around with those La Salle +street spendthrifts loses class, anyway, and she just tore around that +North Side something scandalous, and till my dying day I never will +forget the scene she and the comedian's wife had on the platform in that +dear Peoria. + +"Alla, bless her heart, she is a good soul, is a flighty creature and +she accepted the attentions of the comedian which his wife was not +supposed to be jerry to. But one day some gabby girl put wifey next. We +were all down to the station waiting for the train to come in when up +romps wifey to this doll, who is making the big talk with a chorus +man--just shows you what extent she will go for company--she was talking +to this chorus man and wifey capers up to her and says: 'You been +flirting with my husband, haven't you?' And hauling off wifey hangs one +on Alla's map that is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. Bing goes +Alla to the platform down and out. She was in such a trance that we had +to rub her hands and borrow a drink from the press agent, who came back +with the show to see if he couldn't get his salary, before she would +come to. Pale, why that girl was so white that her number eighteen +looked like big gobs of red paint on each cheek. + +"I never saw a girl so surprised in my life. For the nonce she was +nonplussed. She didn't know what to make of it. When she did you should +have heard the language she used. It is not for me to tell it in a +respectable crowd, for I only use it to Estelle, that's my maid, when +she pulls my hair, but it was certainly not fit for publication in a +family newspaper. + +"She's continually getting into trouble. If it ain't one thing it's +another. It's a wonder to me she hasn't been pinched oftener than she +has. + +"I never will forget one time she was out riding with a handsome +gentleman from Pittsburg in a cab and while leaning on his shoulder his +diamond scarfpin got caught in her teeth. She being a bashful young +thing--then. Well, when she takes her head off his shoulder the pin +naturally comes along, too, and then she got afraid that he would think +she was trying to nick it so she stuck the pin in her hat band, +intending to restore it on the way home. But in the next cafe they +stopped in she picked a fight and left him in a huff. Would you believe +it, that guy had the nerve to come around the next day and declare that +she had pinched the bauble and threaten to land her in the booby hatch +if she didn't come across. + +"And they call that chivalry! + +"No true gentleman would ever threaten to have a lady sent up. + +"Did he get his pin? Well, I should say not. She threw such a strong +bluff about suing him for defamation of character that he came across +with two hundred cold to keep her quiet. But don't breathe this to a +soul unless they promise not to tell. I wouldn't have it get out that I +ever said anything about her for worlds, for, though we are the best of +friends, I am leaving her no opening to hand me one. + +"Don't think for a minute that I have a past I am afraid to bring before +me. My fair young life has been as quiet and uneventful as an old mill +stream. Fact. You see, still water runs deep and the race is not always +to the swift. And goodness knows I would have no one say that about me. +I'm a Bohemian, whatever that is. Lots of dames I know have pasts. Why, +every time you mention Sid Eusons to Laura she nearly coughs up a spasm +and to even breathe medicine show to a certain leading man I know he +will immediately cut you off his calling list. + +"The benefit business is not as prosperous this year as it has been +heretofore. I know several parties that have actually lost money on +them. + +"Now that Lent is over I am going to have a good time. I always observe +Lent some way. This year I swore off refusing drinks or suppers. Wilbur +and I expect to be made one as soon as he locates his next season's job. +He's got one in sight that looks pretty good. + +"A certain party has signed for it, but Wilbur gets it if this party +drops dead, so now Wilbur is following him around telling him that he +looks poorly. We ought to be very happy when we get married, for Wilbur +will be out ahead of a show all season and I will be here in New York. +What more would a happy bridal couple desire? + +"Well, I must toddle along, as the hour is late and my automobile is +getting impatient. + +"Be good, and don't forget that you promised on your word and honor to +take six tickets for the Friar Festival from me. Say, party, if you need +any change give me the office and I will slip it to you." + + + + + Sabrina makes a few remarks concerning a pink-whiskered bark who + is trying to convert the merry-merry and questions the propriety + of going on an extended yachting cruise with a grass widow for a + chaperone. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHTEEN + + +"Say" remarked Sabrina, as we reached her table the other evening. "Did +you hear the gladsome tidings? Some purple-whiskered bark is going to +caper in this country from dear old Lunnon and deal out religion to the +Fluffs of the merry merry. Can you surpass it? + +"He is going to slip it to us in our tea. Like knockout drops, I guess. +Gee, can you see him distributing tracts to that mob. It's a cinch that +they will make good curl papers, anyway. + +"The only way to convert most of these dames is to wait until the +morning after a birthday party and work the remorse gag before they have +a chance to get a bracer for their hangover. + +"Can you see him taking a bunch of them out on a picnic like he did in +England. Claremont or Far Rockaway for theirs, and if he didn't come +across with the big feed with the necessary liquid trimmings it would be +the tar and feathers for his. I have had several wine agents try to +convert me, but I always stick to the same brand. Let him come over and +we will show him a time that will make old Pap Dowie's reception look +like a twinkle. + +"At that, us chorus dames ain't so worse. Of course there are a bunch of +shines in the aggregation, but I guess if you kept tab you would find +out that about nine-tenths of them slide for home as soon as they get +the cosmetic off their eyelashes. It's the other tenth that try to be +the human night keys that crab the act for the whole works. + +"There's more dolls keeping their little sisters in convents than there +is ones buying white-topped shoes. The poor Jane has to go somewhere to +make her forget the blooming show shop. + +"A bunch of these high-browed clucks jump all over the villages, ladies +of the court, etc., and think it's their fault that the price of +lobsters is so high. + +"Maybe the price of lobsters is high, but did you ever see a chorus girl +buy one for herself? + +"An actress gets handed hers at every stage of the game, just because a +few make the big noise. These old cranks are always laying for a chance +to get a little limelight, and they naturally make the big talk about +people that are in the public eye, and those that they know nothing +about. + +"They should either furnish those guys with a muzzle or give them a pike +at the inside of the show business so that they would either keep their +trap shut or know what they are talking about. I will admit that there +are some grand wonders in this business, but that is no reason why the +whole game should be crabbed, and all get the pan for the actions of a +few. + +"You all know that I am broad minded. I believe that everybody should +have a good time if they can keep sober. Of course I don't mean +painfully sober, but not to get disgustingly disgusting so that they +have to be dragged to the taxi. That I call going too far, and entirely +unnecessary. + +"If a fluff commences to get too moist around the lamps she should +either plead a headache and slide for the curled hair or throw her +drinks on the floor when the host is holding hands or exchanging quips +with one of the other ladies in the party. + +"Drink is an awful thing, especially the next morning. Thanks to +Wilbur's teaching, I take a spoonful of olive oil every evening before I +duck the hut, so I can sit in with the best and have the seating +capacity of a bonded warehouse. + +"I pray thee do not breathe these little maidenish confidences, for it +might make hard feeling between me and some of my gentlemen friends I +have had to get checked at numerous places of refreshment. + +"Wilbur is so busy getting ready for the Friars' Festival that you can't +chase a word out of him about anything else. Mr. Erlanger, Lee Schubert, +Lew Dockstader and Fred Thompson have all kicked in for their boxes, and +it is expected that a few more will realize the merits of the attraction +and kick in this week. + +"To see the paper they have had given to them you'd think it was the +storeroom of the Bailey Show. + +"I ain't saying nothing, but you just wait until those guys get through +with the long-handled brushes. They are going to give Friar Green the +job of tacking cards because he is quick on his feet. The big festival +comes off next Thursday, so if you haven't bought your seats it's time +to get busy. It will be the one best bet in the show line this season. + +"Just think, Mr. Weber and Mr. Fields are going to appear together for +the first time in years. + +"Honest, I am so excited over the affair that I can hardly wait. Wilbur +got two seats in the first row, and I'll be there with new frock on, my +hair in a braid and my feet in the orchestra pit. Between the festival +and the new clubhouse it's got Charley Cook running around in circles. +And Wells Hawks is so busy doping out stuff that I saw him pass an +elephant the other day without speaking to it. + +"Harry Alward is working three eight-hour shifts every day, and the +whole blooming gang have gone so noodley that they won't even stop to +buy me a drink, and you can take it from me that when those guys +overlook a chance to do something for somebody in distress something has +gone wrong, or there is a big hen on. + +"What was I talking about? Oh, yes. Have you heard the latest gossip? +Alla McSweeney is wearing 'Merry Widow' cocktails on the outside of +taxicabs now. That poor dear has to swallow a sinker with everything she +inhales. And she always comes up bright and cheerful with her face to +the pane waiting for the next one. I've seen her go under four times in +an evening, and though a little pale she is always there with the chimes +when the curtain drops. + +"Yes, I put on my light ones some two weeks ago. I got jerry that there +would be some class to the humidity, so I made the quick change. + +"I cannot decide yet what to do for the summer. I don't know whether to +go down to Bath Beach and take a cottage, go to the mountains or go back +to Emporia for a trip. I got run out of that hick hamlet the last time I +was there, and I am afraid if I go back I might get lynched. You can +never tell what those emotional tillers of the soil are going to do +next. Why, they are just as liable to vote for Bryan as not. + +"I have been invited out to Far Rockaway for a week or two. Mr. Corse +Payton is going to make his summer home out there, and if he is within a +radius of ten miles I know we are slated for the one grand time. He is +so full of Iowa gallantry that he wouldn't let even a dog go by without +offering it a highball. He's just that soft hearted. He's got a young +hotel out there and the bars are down for any of his friends. + +"Some of us girls are talking about getting a houseboat and leading the +simple. The chances are it will fall through most everything we dope out +does. That's the trouble with us actresses. We get a wild idea and work +it to death for a few minutes and then somebody says, 'I'll buy,' and +the stuff is off. We could have lots of fun on a houseboat if it had a +cool cellar. I certainly do love to go bathing by moonlight. It's so +romantic. + +"There's a certain party of some prominence on Wall Street that wants me +to be one of a party on board his yacht, as his wife is going to Europe +for the summer, but I don't know about these yachting parties, for there +has been so much scandal about some of them that I am afraid it will +lacerate my reputation. You know, above all things, I must be careful +with that. Especially now that I am going to become a bride. Yep, Wilbur +and I expect to pull off the wedding bell specialty early in June, or as +soon as the season opens at Saratoga. + +"I think a young married couple can have such a nice quiet time in +Saratoga if they go there on their bridal trip and the season is opened. +There is so many society people and others there that life never drags. + +"I remember I was there on my first wedding tour, but my husband wasn't +with me. What! Didn't you know I had been married. Certainly I have, and +I am betraying no confidences when I declare myself. Yes, I have been +married, and to Saratoga on my wedding trip my husband couldn't +accompany me because he was with another show. I never had such an +extended bridal trip. All one-night stands. I was with a musical comedy +at the time, and I met my husband in Racine, Wis. I know that's an awful +place to meet anybody, even your husband, but this is a sad and true +tale. He was the leading juvenile with a one-two-three show, and such a +handsome thing you never saw on the stage. + +"Honest, to hear him spring that sure-fire hokum you would have thought +he believed it. I know he passed the same line of dope out to me, and I +fell for it. What more could you ask? I was a young and trusting thing +then, having been in the business only one season, so I was not 'wised' +up to the proper point to believe no man until he makes good. He +introduced himself to me after the performance, and as we were laying +off there waiting for the angel to come across with the necessary funds +for us to continue our successful tour, I had nothing else to do but to +listen to his line of chatter. + +"He handed it over so strong that I took it all in, and one day when he +sought my hand I nailed him to the mast and we beat it for the justice +of the peace and were made one. + +"His show closed shortly after that and I had to learn to send him +money. He got so proud and stuck up that he wouldn't even hunt for a +job, until at last it got so unbearable that I had to get a divorce. + +"He was a gay and festive young thing, and though I left town the day we +were married I still look upon him as my first husband. + +"No, I never have seen him since, but we did a great deal of +corresponding especially when he needed money. + +"If you could get Clarence--yes, that was his name ain't it a +scream?--if you could get Clarence soused he was the boy comic. Honest, +I have seen him bring a smile out of a head waiter. + +"He was the real spendthrift. Why, every day he was courting me in +Racine he would take me down and let me look at the lake for hours at a +time, and often he would tell me he was going to take me boat riding. +Shows what a piker I was. If I knew what I do now I would have sprung a +laugh and told him if he wanted my fair young heart he would have to +show me more excitement than a watch meeting. + +"My, how I do run on! Here I got to sell a couple more seats for the +festival, for it is coming off a week from this coming Thursday, and I +want to have all the other girls faded. What, must you go? Say, party, +take it from me--break open your bank and count your pennies, for it's +the chance of a lifetime. Da-da." + + + + + She discusses the advisability of chorus girls charging time for + their company like a taxicab. She goes for a sail on the river + and the party meets with several accidents before finally having + a wreck. + + + +CHAPTER NINETEEN + + +"Gee, Kid, I can scarce restrain myself," remarked Sabrina, the Show +Girl, as we met her on the street. + +"The big show comes off Thursday afternoon, and me! Why, I'll be there +dressed up like a circus. Take it from me, it's a bet you don't want to +overlook. I seen a guy go up to the managers and wave $10,000 in their +faces for the box office receipts, and all he got was the cold, cruel +laugh of scorn. + +"The clubhouse had its official opening last night, and as yet none of +those that were in attendance have appeared upon the scene. I ain't +saying a word, but I bet they had an awful time. + +"Them Friars are great people. I been the busy little bee all week +trying to get some tickets, but I guess they are all sold out. All of +the out-of-town guys are clamoring for gallery seats behind posts. And +anything less than $50 for one of the seats is considered as car fare. + +"Wilbur went to the opening of the new clubhouse last night, and I got a +'phone from him this morning saying he was going home and get some +sleep. + +"Say, party, was you up to the Friars' Convention last Sunday? Talk +about fun, this sixty laughs in sixty minutes stunt looked like a +Methodist watch meeting. + +"Honest, I felt sorry for Miss Piatt of 'The Merry Widow' bunch. She was +elected to represent that outfit by the whole company Saturday night and +then none of the girls showed up to vote for her. The funny thing of the +whole works was that Miss Sara Spotted-Weazel from the Bill Show nearly +won at that. Gee, did you hearken to the cadenza she turned loose? +Indian comic opera. Fine business. I am glad Josephine Cohan got it, +'cause she's a nice girl, though Louise Dresser is all right at that. + +"Beban was the foxy guy; every time anybody didn't show up from any +company he would claim that he was the delegate and put the thing +through. Wasn't Al Davis the busy party! Corbett thought the thing all +out and Davis did the hard work, and then every Friar for miles around +put in their little gab and told Davis how it should be done. + +"Did you ever notice that the party inside the taxi knows more about +running it than the chauffeur? Al was wise. He paid no attention to +their words of advice and that's why the thing was a success. Too many +chefs spoil the cheese sandwich. Them's my words and they go as they +lay. Hank Green got sore 'cause I spoke to him, so I won't do it any +more. + +"Wilbur and I are to be united in wedlock next week and we are going on +our wedding tour. Where it will be goodness only knows. It may be only +to Canarsie or Far Rockaway. + +"Since he met me he has planted a bunch of change, and a gentleman +friend of mine gave him a few tips on the market, and he's got what he +claims is a tidy sum. He's talking about taking a trip to Europe. Such a +chance. What license have we in that neck of woods? I told him to take a +ride over the Williamsburg bridge and that would give him all the Europe +he wanted. + +"He wants to go over there and bring back a couple of big vaudeville +acts and make a bunch of money. Rats, I tell him, rats. What does he +know about vaudeville acts? Some of these wops that go across never get +it out of their systems. All you hear is, 'When I was in London.' + +"I remember the time I met Ted Marks in Maxim's. Maxim's is in Paris, +you know, my dear. It gives me a sharp, stinging pain. Those burgs ain't +such a much. You can get just as good things to drink right here in New +York, so, I says to him, 'what's the use of making a fool trip like +that?' But he's noodly on the subject and spends half of his spare time +reading 'Short Trips in the Old World,' 'Life in the Latin Quarter,' +'Fifty-seven Ways to Avoid Tipping' and all that kind of junk. A trip to +Asbury Park would satisfy me just as well. + +"Alia McSweeney's Judge gave her a new automobile the other day and we +had a match race on the Merrick Road. Honest, the way my car left her +tied to the post was a crime. We both stopped drinking three hours +before the race commenced, so that our nerves would be in good +condition." + +"She may be a good chorus girl, but she certainly is a bum racer. I beat +her by two dogs, six chickens and a lamp post. I would have got a milk +wagon, only Wilbur carelessly blew the horn and scared him up a side +street. After the race the loser had to treat the winner to the big +eats. I can't tell you what we had, but I can say this much. If she +loses another race the Judge will have to go over to the corporations. +Eat? We had the best there was. + +"Gee, I am sore on this racing thing. You know I went down there a +couple of weeks ago and chased the books up a tree. I prance down there +the other day and they had me going some. I had a crowd of inside info, +and what do I do but let a wop tout me out of it and play his horse. I +lost just five hundred cold ones by the deal, and I sure does give this +guy a laying out. + +"I says to him, 'What license you got to give a lady a bum steer like +that? Here I go and plant my fifty on the dog you handed me at 6 to 5, +and the 10 to 1 shot I was going to play wins! Where's my comeback? I +ask you as a lady, where do I get off?' He offered to kick in with the +fifty I lost, but I put up such an awful roar that he gave me two +hundred more to ease my aching heart. + +"I lose him in the crowd and then take a peek at the entries again and +find the gee-gee I intended betting on didn't even start. Of course I +couldn't find the party that gave me the two fifty, search as I might. +Wasn't that rotten luck? + +"I ran that two fifty up to an even thousand before the last race and +then beat it for home and mother. The bunch went into the fresh air fund +along with the rest. I am now trying to meet some nice gentleman who +does business in Wall Street and get him to make a few conservative +investments for me. Not that I intend to use any of my own money. +Certainly not. But it is a good thing to have a bank account to flash, +so that the boob will think he will get a comeback if he does lose. + +"A gentleman did put some money up on a margin for me once and then when +he got trimmed he came to me for a check and I had to go into hysterics +before I could get rid of him. + +"The conceited yen some of these boobs have in thinking that a fluff has +nothing else to do but sit in some cafe and hold hands until daylight. + +"I am trying to get the Chorus Girls' Union to get together and pass a +law charging so much for our time, just like a taxicab. Don't you think +that would be a good idea? Lots of times the supper ain't worth the time +she wastes on the cluck. They could have a little indicator fastened to +their Merry Widow hat and as they leave the stage door turn down the +flag and not read the meter until he had kissed you good-by in the hall, +and then collect. In that way the doll would have the price of +breakfast, and maybe a new gag or something for her wardrobe. It would +reduce the nightly jam around the stage door by a whole lot. + +"Did you hear about the bunch of us going yachting in Gym Bagley's yacht +The Hornet the other day? He calls it The Hornet because he got stung +when he bought it. The weather was all to the good the other afternoon, +so we hike up to Harlem and collar the ship, six of us, and, after +loading a bunch of bottled ballast on board, we started out. Gosh, the +water was lovely. Gym don't care what becomes of the blooming barge as +long as it doesn't get lost. You can even sink it, if you mark the spot. +We all leave our Merry Widow lids in the boathouse, 'cause the boat +wouldn't hold them, and sallied forth. + +"Wilbur said he knew how to sail a boat. Come to find out later, it was +a stone boat he had been educated on. + +"Well, we elected him the chauffeur and, after hoisting the sail, the +gallant craft with its merry-merry crew swung out into the stream. Yo +ho, my lads, yo, ho. + +"The wind was blowing one way and we wanted to go the other, so after +nearly wrecking a couple of tugboats and a brick scow, we fixed the sail +so the wind would push the boat right along. Aye, aye, captain, a fish +sou'-sou' by east with the wind in his teeth! The sturdy vessel was just +tearing along. Honest, you could see it move--right along, just like a +clam, when Alla, who, you all know, is the human goat, in trying to +reach for a bottle of beer that didn't belong to her, fell overboard. + +"It served her right and I told the gang to hit her on the nob with an +oar when she came-up. We dragged her in, however, and wrapped her up in +a bunch of coats and set her on the front stoop of the craft to dry. + +"She got jerry to the fact that there was a bottle of jig juice in the +galley and at once threw a chill. Honest, to see that fluff do a stage +chill would have made a eel laugh, ha! ha! in that manner. She shook so +hard she nearly threw us all out of the scow, so that we finally had to +listen to her pleadings and pass her the booze. + +"I was for letting her shake so if we wanted mixed drinks al we would +have to do was to put the glass in her mitt and say go to it, but some +of the gazabos in the mob got a sympathy streak and let her have it. I'd +a let her had it, all right, all right, the outside of the bottle right +on the marcel. + +"The subterfuges these Janes will indulge in to accomplish their ends +makes my goat jump the barrier. + +"Nothing else marred our pleasant little sail up the river except when +we opened the lunch box we found only one sandwich, and no one would eat +it. Everybody wanted to trade their interest in it for a bottle of beer, +and there was nearly a riot. + +"It was finally settled by Wilbur, who is always the fair-haired boy +when it comes to emergencies. He took the sandwich and threw it +overboard and each and every member of the famished crew had another +eyedropper full of suds. If it hadn't been for him, we would be out +there yet. + +"We had got up to nearly opposite 155th street by this time and some of +the less experienced members of the jolly gang were commencing to worry +that they would never see Broadway again and stationed a lookout in the +bow to find Albany. Aye, aye, the deck, water sighted on the port beam. +On duty, captain. These noodley dames were strong for reversing and +returning to our harbor, which we had not seen for these many years--ah, +the brave sailor lad; alas, he had to remain away from home at night--so +Wilbur started to turn the boat around. + +"I think he must have thought he was driving a street car, for instead +of reversing like any white man would, he pulled off an evolution that +was a peach. + +"All of the wind ducked out of the sail gag for a minute and the boat +spun around, then, all of a sudden, it filled again, and, bingo! the +scow slowly lays over on her side an dies. The outfit fell into the +water kerplunk. I think I touched the bottom nine times before I grabbed +the side of the boat. I remember distinctly of passing a fish so often +that we got on speaking terms. + +"When I got the briny out of my lamps and took a pike around, there was +the whole works clinging to the side of the boat looking like a flock of +wet cats. + +"The remarks they made to Wilbur I would not repeat here, for he is to +be my future husband. The water was as cold as a flat in the Winter time +and nothing in sight. + +"One of the dames, I wouldn't be surprised if it was that Alla party, +suggested that we lash a man to the rigging and let him look for help. +Another was strong for turning the flag upside down as a signal of +distress. Louie Zweibaum nearly drowned because he had to use both hands +to tell her that the rigging was under water. + +"We, all between shivers, turned loose a Rebel yell for help and pretty +soon along comes a tugboat bound downtown. That drove up alongside and +after the captain found out that we had money they hoisted us on deck +and took the sloop for a tow. + +"Take it from me, I was never so glad to get near a fire in my life. The +skipper of the cheese let us get in the engine room and dry out. Can you +see that wet bunch of fluffs with all the highlight off and their +marcels around their necks. I'll bet there was a whole lot of surprises +sprung when the true complexion began to show up. We got fairly well +fixed up by the time we got down to where we had to go to get the rest +of our stuff and when we once again touched mother earth and the captain +of the boat had touched us we took it on the run for a cafe, and let me +tell you the market price on hot drinks closed strong in Harlem that +night. + +"We fixed Gym's boat up and gave it back to him the next day. Nobody +caught cold and everything in the garden's lovely. + +"Now, dearie, I can call you dearie, for I am soon to be a married woman +and it will be all right. Now, dearie, don't forget the big Festival +Thursday afternoon, for I will count on your being there to help the +crowd. + +"Remember the Friars do more for the actors than they are given credit +for, so it's up to you to help boost. So long. Don't forget to kick in +early and avoid the rush." + + + + + Sabrina is married and goes on her wedding trip. Her comments on + London and how her husband suppressed several professional + gamblers on board the steamer. The two expect to spend some time + in England, where we will leave them. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY + + +Sabrina was married to Wilbur the day after the Friar Festival and we +acted in the capacity of best man and were very much in evidence in the +feast that followed. We imprinted chaste salutes on the lips of the +blushing bride until the groom tore us asunder. After the festivities +Sabrina and Wilbur disappeared and for the past ten days their favorite +cafes and loafing places have known them not. We were just beginning to +get nervous when the postman brought the following letter: + + "London. + + "Dear Party--I guess maybe when you pipe off this effusion you + will throw a foaming fit and fall in it. Me and Wilbur are now + in the city of fogs and take it from me, it's a bum habitation + for even a dog. + + "After you and the rest of the gang did the shoot the chutes + under the table at the wedding breakfast me and his nobs grabbed + our make-up boxes and took it on the lope for the ferry station. + I thought we were going to take a wedding tour to Asbury Park or + some of the other watering places, but what does Wilbur do but + sidestep the ferry proposition and we go prancing up to a dock + where a boat about nine miles big was hitched and before I had + time to give the office to the cop on the beat Wilbur rushes me + up the plank and into the outfit. Honest, it was bigger than any + of the Coney Island boats. I was under the impression for the + nonce that it was the night boat up the Hudson but I didn't see + a steward I knew. + + "A guy who had enough gilt on to be a Major-General in the + National Guard came floundering up and Wilbur gave him his real + name and the wop said, 'This way, please, threw us into a young + elevator and we went up a couple of stories and along a hall + until we came to a door which the gee threw open and said, 'This + is your stateroom.' + + "Honest, I never saw such a drum. A great big room with a real + bed instead of those shelve things and off of the room a bath, + and we were only to be on the water five days. Can you beat it? + I was the one surprised pup and as soon as I hung my 'Merry + Widow' on the gas jet I asked Wilbur about it. + + "He says, 'Kid, we are on the ferry to Europe and we are going + to spend our honeymoon across the pond.' I says, 'not for little + Sabrina; you don't get her out of sight of New York,' and made a + stab for the rail. By the time I got to it we were in the middle + of the creek and nothing in sight but a flock of tugboats and a + bunch of yaps waving their mitts on the dock. Take it from me, + if I hadn't been a bride I would have cut up something + scandalous, but it was too early in the matrimonial game to + start any lumpy work. So all I did was to sit and pout, 'cause I + know I can always make a hit when I flash the pouting number. + + "Gee, what could I do? Out there in the middle of the water with + a long, slushy walk back to the dock. So I did the next best + thing and gave the high sign to the steward to kick in with a + few refreshments, which he very graciously did. + + "Say, party, I can't tell you how I felt to see little old New + York slip away in the distance. That old town is a great old + burg, and as I was going to kick into some other country that I + wasn't hep to I naturally felt kind of bumly. + + "We went busting by the Statue of Liberty and then on out past + the Hook, and, take it from me, if that steward hadn't come + across with the refreshments just at that moment I would have + burst into tears. As it was I could only address Wilbur in a few + terse adjectives, and tell him what I thought of a person that + would pull off such a low down deal on an unsuspecting fluff. I + want to state right now that though I was but a bride I called + him good and proper. + + "The next morning we went down to breakfast. Say, they have + about ten meals a day on one of these scows and I've gained + about twenty pounds already. There was a bunch of show people + going over on the same boat and Wilbur and I naturally cottoned + to them. We didn't do a thing all day but sit on the deck and + read, or walk around or sing in the music room. Sure, they got a + real live music room on board, as well as a conservatory, a gym + and an elevator. + + "I don't know whether I plucked a quince or not. Wilbur kept + insisting that I go to the table every time they turned in an + alarm, and I was sorta holding off, 'cause I didn't want to + lance the poor boy for all his change on the way over, but he + kept insisting that I eat and acted so peevish when I didn't + that I thought, well, if he wants to spend his money all right, + so I eat so much that I couldn't have crowded any more in me + with a hypo. Come to find out the food was included in the + passage and we had to pay for it whether we ate it or not. + That's why I am wondering if I plucked a quince. Wilbur was + never tight before we were wed, and you can take it from me that + if he starts to hold out or draw down now there is going to be + fine large doings in the Wilbur family from the female + delegation. + + "Wilbur was in the smoking room the other evening and got to + talking with what he thought were a couple of boobs, but come to + find out they were wise guys. After sipping up a couple of slow + ones, the guys propose a little poker game. Wilbur and two other + boobs fall for the bunk and they open up. Wilbur, after losing a + little junk, gives the wise guys the office that he's jerry to + the fact that they are playing with newspaper, and lets them + know that if he ain't in on the frame-up he'll belch. + + "These two boobs are dirty with the evergreen, and Wilbur's got + the wise guys so leary for fear he will tip his mitt and they + naturally slip him a big one every time they get a chance. + Wilbur gets his money back and everything is even all around, + but the wise guys are the only ones who want to lay down. + + "Wilbur hands them a game of cheerful chatter and they don't + dare quit. Foxy Wilbur sits there until 3 a.m., raking in their + money, and incidentally corrals some that belongs to the wealthy + wops. In the meantime I am doing the earnest conversation act + with an old dowager that I met the second day out and she is + telling me about her country home in Devonshire or some other + one of these shire things. She sorta took a fancy to me and + insisted that Wilbur and I should run out there for a week-end. + Which end of the week she didn't say. But I guess if we go + Sunday we are safe. To hear this old dame tell it, she must own + about nine million acres up in the country, and her husband has + all kinds of wild animals--lions, tigers, elephants and all that + truck that are trained to be shot. She called it a shooting + lodge. Probably a branch of the Elks. This old party ceases her + harangue and I beat it to the air-felt and am pounding my ear + when Wilbur kicks in with a souse on. + + "I come out of the hay and am getting ready to call him to a + fare-you-well when he flashes his bundle. My anger vanished in a + moment and I just reach out and cop the coin and roll over and + goes to sleep. Wilbur sleeps on the floor until I took + compassion on him and rolled him on the lounge. Talk about your + wifely devotion, what! I count the roll in the morning before I + slip it to the purser for safekeeping and it assayed $1,245, + which is not half bad for a night's work. + + "The wise guys come around and offer Wilbur $100 a night to stay + out of the smoking room and he won't do it, but tells them if he + catches them playing another game during the trip he will turn + loose the long Rebel yell. Now the two wise guys are sitting on + deck reading 'The Lives of the Saints' and making faces at + Wilbur every time he goes romping by. Ain't Wilbur the saucy + thing? + + "The last night on board we gave a concert for the benefit of + the Seamen's Fund, or something like that, and I claim that it + was a classy affair. I appeared, and without any brag or + ostentation I can truthfully say that I scored a great personal + triumph. It wasn't so much what I did, but the winsome manner in + which I did it. Get that? Wilbur was the manager of the affair + and didn't shake down a cent. + + "What do you think of that? He said that a sailor needed all the + money he could get and he would be the first man not to take it + from them. I made my big hit at the concert in reciting 'Lasca.' + One of the mates told me that somebody does 'Lasca' on every + trip, but I was the first one that furnished scenery by letting + down my hair. I wonder if he was kidding me? + + "A great many of the ladies on board spent all their time in + playing Bridget whist, and after watching them for a couple of + afternoons they offered to teach me the game with a moderate + limit. I am hep to this poker thing and can look a pat hand in + the face without a quiver of the lip, but I must blushingly + admit that I thought I was in for a good old-fashioned trimming + when I got up against those dames. It cost me about fifty + dollars to learn, and then I had a streak of beginner's luck, + and before the whistle blew for dinner I was several hundred to + the velvet. + + "Two of the Janes put up a horrible holler about it being a + friendly game and wanted their money back. I was going to give + it to them, because I didn't want 'em to look any older, but one + of the others took my part and told me to hold onto the gross. + The three that didn't get their's back got out their little + hammers and for a while I had no one to talk to but myself or + Wilbur, and he was trying to dope out a scheme whereby he could + paste threesheets on the ocean and catch the incoming tourists. + I left him trying to compose a one-word wireless that would + explain the whole proposition to Fred Thompson. + + "We came in sight of England or Ireland, or some of those + foolish islands, early in the morning, and they didn't look so + much. Barren Island has got 'em faded for smell. There were + nothing but long white chalk cliffs that a good man with a + bucket of whitewash could paint in a week. + + "We got into Liverpool and loafed around town for a couple of + hours and saw nothing that would cause any excitement. The + natives look just the same and dress just the same as they do in + America but you have to go some to understand what they say. + + "Gee, you should pipe the herdics they use for railroad cars in + this man England's country. Instead of making the grand entrance + from the end you sneak in at the side and sit in a kind of a pew + thing, making faces at some one across the aisle. Wilbur got + sore 'cause he blew himself for a couple of tickets and the + conductor, I mean, the guard, didn't come around to collect them + until we go nearly into London. He wanted to bet an Englishman, + on the other side of the hall, $5--Bly me, I mean a pound, that + he could make the same trip for nothing and hand the guard a + group of chatter that would get him all the way into town. + + "When we crawled out of the caboose in London we thought it was + midnight, but on asking a cop--my word, I mean Bobby--he said it + was nothing but a fog. Wilbur told him that if he wanted him to + see much of his blooming city he would have to bring around a + dark lantern. + + "We called a cab and started for the Savoy. All true Americans + when they go to London stop at the Savoy. We drove for about an + hour, the horse gumshoeing his way through the dark until we + came to the hotel. Wilbur asked the cab driver how much it was + and he named the sum that if you even suggested it to a New York + cabby he would have you pinched. + + "After registering Wilbur called Marcus Mayer up on the + telephone. He grabbed down the receiver and after waiting for + about half an hour some dame said, 'Are you there?' Wilbur's + Nanny took the hurdle and he answered, 'Where did you think I + was? Playing pinochle with the King?' After a sharp struggle he + managed to get Marcus' hangout, but he wasn't in, so Wilbur + started out to hunt the American bar alone. In about fifteen + minutes he came back on the run with a couple of Bobbys about + two jumps behind him. It seems that Wilbur had found the + American bar and walked up to it and asked for a Manhattan + cocktail, because he was getting homesick and the bartender + said, 'Will you have it made with Scotch or Irish, sir?' + + "Naturally Wilbur hit him with the first thing that came handy, + which happened to be a heavy beer mug. The bartender was a short + sport, and instead of trimming him with a bung-starter, turns + loose a yell for the law. So Wilbur lopes on, carelessly + knocking over a couple of cops on his way out. + + "The two officers that followed him to the room were strong for + sending him to the booby hatch, but I had the presence of mind + to slip them each a piece of change and they exit laughing. + That's all that has happened so far, though we just got in town + last night and I am writing this before breakfast. Oh, no; + there's something else. Last night Wilbur and I started down to + dinner and they shooed him back to put on his evening clothes. + He met some of the American bunch after supper, and it took them + three hours to tell all the things they did to Georgie Cohan + when he was over here. Ted Marks is right here, with his hair in + a braid and the white carnation. + + "We will stay here for about a week and then caper over to + Paris. I got a hunch that Wilbur is fixing to leave me in the + outskirts, because I heard him say something about the + foolishness of taking a cheese sandwich to a banquet. + + "Will write again soon. + + "Platonically Yours, + + "_SABRINA_." + + "P.S.--Wilbur is in another row downstairs and I got to go and + see what's coming off. + + "S." + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10508 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c18eaf5 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #10508 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10508) diff --git a/old/10508.txt b/old/10508.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7076fdb --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10508.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4665 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Sorrows of a Show Girl, by Kenneth +McGaffey + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + + + + +Title: The Sorrows of a Show Girl + +Author: Kenneth McGaffey + +Release Date: December 20, 2003 [eBook #10508] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SORROWS OF A SHOW GIRL*** + + +E-text prepared by Rick Niles, Kat Jeter, John Hagarson, Rosanna Yuen, and +the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +THE SORROWS OF A SHOW GIRL + +A STORY OF THE GREAT "WHITE WAY" + +BY KENNETH MCGAFFEY + +1908 + + + + + + + +These Stories were originally printed in +_The Morning Telegraph_, New York. + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +Chapter + + +Explanation + + 1 Sabrina Discourses Theatrical Conditions + + 2 The Carrier Pigeon as a Benefit to Humanity + + 3 Sabrina Receives Money from an Unexpected Source + + 4 Sabrina Receives Her Fortune and Says Farewell to the Hall Bedroom + + 5 Sabrina Visits Her Patents in Emporia, and Shocks that Staid Town + + 6 Details of How Sabrina Stood Emporia on Edge and was Ejected + Therefrom + + 7 The Chorus Girls' Union Gave their Annual Ball + + 8 Sabrina Falls In Love with a Press Agent with Hectic Chatter + + 9 Sabrina Returns to the Chorus, so that She Can Keep Her Automobile + Without Causing Comment + +10 Sabrina and Her Former Room-mate Involved in an Argument at a + Beefsteak Party + +11 The Dramatic Possibilities of the "Mangled Doughnut" + +12 Sabrina Passes a Few Remarks on Love, Comedians, and Spring Millinery + +13 Sabrina Scores a Great Personal Success + +14 Methods of the House Breakers' Association Disclosed + +15 Sabrina Denounces the Male Sex as Being All Alike, and Threatens to + Take the Veil + +16 After Investigating the Country Atmosphere Carefully, Sabrina Says + the Only Healthful Ozone is Out of a Champagne Bottle + +17 Sabrina Visits the Racetrack and Returns with Money + +18 A Pink Whiskered Bark Tries to Convert the Merry-merry + +19 Sabrina Advises Chorus Girls, Charging Time for their Company + +20 Sabrina is Married and Goes Abroad on Her Wedding Trip + + + + +EXPLANATION. + + +In the following chapters some of Sabrina's remarks are likely to cause +the reader to elevate his eyebrows in suspicion as to her true +character. + +In order to set myself right with both the public and the vast army of +Sabrinas that add youth and beauty to our stage, and brilliancy and +gaiety to our well known cafes, I wish to say that she is all that she +should be. She is a young lady who, no matter how old she may be, does +not look it. She is always well dressed, perhaps a little in advance of +the fashion, but invariably in good taste. Among strangers or in public +places her conduct is all that could be desired, while with those of her +own set she becomes more familiar and may occasionally lapse into slang. + +Fate may compel her to earn her own living or she may receive an income +from a source that has nothing to do with these stories. Any person +without the circle of theatrical or newspaper life is looked upon as an +interloper by Sabrina and treated accordingly. Hundreds of her like may +be found any evening after the theatre in the cafes and restaurants of +the "wiseacres" known as the "Tenderloin." + +KENNETH MCGAFFEY. + + + + + In which Sabrina rushes on the scene and begins to discourse + breathlessly on theatrical conditions, boobs that send poetry + for presents, the tribulations of hunting employment, and the + outlook for a New Year's dinner. + + + +CHAPTER ONE + + +"Ain't it appalling," demanded Sabrina, the Show Girl, "ain't it +appalling the way the show game has gone to the morgue this season? + +"I never seen nothing like it since I been in the business, and while I +ain't going to flash no family Bible that's been some time. Why, shows +that were making money if they played to thirty-two dollars on the day +just naturally died. Me? You know I wasn't hep to the outlook. I come +prancing into town fresh from doing one-night stands through the +uncultured West. We did bum business for fair, but shucks, there ain't +five dollars' worth of real money in all of Southern Kansas at no time. +Salaries! Huh! I had to send home for money to pay my fines with. I +cavort gaily out to hunt a job and find a line from Mr. Seymour's office +that made the run on the Knickerbocker Trust Company look like the +nightly window sale of 'The Evangelist.' I never seen so many of my +friends in town at one time in my life, and if you make a noise like a +dollar-bill anywhere between the two Flatirons you're liable to be the +center of a raging mob. I heard it breathed that all the theatrical +storehouses in town were playing to S.R.O. + +"I got a chance to shake down a little change as prima donna with a +turkey show. What do you know about that? I played with one last +Thanksgiving, and--excuse these tears--it was a college town and the +show was on the blink. 'Nough said. The manager hasn't left there yet. + +"Oh, Listerine, have you heard the news? Alia McGraw has turned poetess. +You know she always was peculiar. I was visiting her the other evening +in her dressing room when she declared that she was going to give up her +dramatic art and go to painting word pictures. Whatever they are. You +see it was this way: She had a boob on her staff who was paying her his +devoted attention. According to her statistics that's all he ever did +pay for. Well, he commenced doing advance work about a present he was +going to give her until he got poor Alla to thinking that it was nothing +less than an automobile, and she treated him accordingly. One morning a +messenger boy makes his entrance into the flat and hands her a book. Can +you beat that? The only thing that kept Alia from foaming at the mouth +was because she was combing her Dutch braid. It--the book--was called a +Rubaiyat by Omar Quinine, or something like that. This Omar party never +wrote a comic opera in his life. But Alla wasn't discouraged, for she +looked through every page in hopes of finding a Clearing House +certificate, but not a leaf stirred. All she came across was a marked +verse that went something like this: + + "A book of verse underneath a bough, + A Jug of wine, a loaf of bread and thou + Beside me sitting in the wilderness-- + Oh, wilderness is Paradise enow. + +"Did you ever hear of such a short sport? Wanted to buy it by the keg +and go sit under a tree in Bronx Park. As soon as Alla run out of +language she sat down and in less than three hours doped out an answer. +I got it here on the back of her laundry list: + + + "A book of verse is not what I can use, + But give me, if still my love is thine, + A wine list from which to pick and choose. + Cut out the shady bough for mine. + + "Give your bough to some nice 'feller,' + And if you would make my life sublime + Put me in some cool rathskeller + And we'll forget the jug of wine. + + "Wine in a jug! What do I hear? + Not with a loaf of bread and thou, + A cheese sandwich and a glass of beer, + Unless you've changed your brand ere now. + + "This sitting in the wilderness may be fine + For those who the realms of nature seek, + A restaurant is at least a paradise divine + With payday on the first of every week. + + +"I guess maybe that won't show him up! Ain't it just glorious? It's +kinda wabbly on its feet, but just think, it's her first attempt. She +said there were a lot more things she could say, but even her desire to +be a poetess wouldn't let her forget that she was a lady. Alla told me +that the height of her ambition was to write the words of a popular song +and have Harry Von Seltzer sing it in the College Inn. She can't ever +make a hit as a poem producer though 'cause she hasn't got high cheek +bones and teeth like a squirrel. Alla was pensive all through the first +act, and while she was making her change from a lady-in-waiting to a +bathing girl she remarked that she was going to write an ode--past tense +of I O U, I guess--entitled 'Thoughts on Hearing Ben Teal Conduct a +Chorus Rehearsal.' They won't let her publish it. + +"What do you know about the new law about tanks having to have their +names on the barroom door? I see where the Metropole will lose money +unless they furnish disguises to their steady customers. Can you imagine +the suspense certain parties will feel when they rush into a shop for +their early morning 'thought mop' and have to cling to the bar while +Arthur looks up their past performances in Bingham's Bartenders' Guide. + +"A gentleman friend had the kindness to extend me courtesies to 'The +Witching Hour' the other evening, and listen to muh: There is some class +to that show. Ain't you seen it? It's a song and dance about this mental +telepathy gag. There is a gambling gentleman who can tell a poker hand +every time. The only reason he ain't a heiress is because his conscience +jumps up and gives him a kick in the face. This party in the play +influences people's minds. He thinks of something, and people miles away +think of the same thing. All the same wireless. Take it from me, there's +a whole lot to it at that. I was out with a kind friend the other +evening whose general disposition is to try and make Frank Daniels look +like a spendthrift, so I knew it would be beer for mine unless I made a +great mental effort, so all the way up the street in the taxicab I just +held thumbs and concentrated my mind--I saw more new style hats, +too--and said to myself, 'For Heaven's sake, order wine,' 'Please loosen +up and order wine.' All to myself, you understand, never once out loud, +for though I am in the business I don't seek the reputation as a working +girl. + +"Well I hope I may never look a lobster in the face again. No, I am not +speaking of this party. But I hope I may never look a lobster in the +face again if he didn't swell all up, prance into the eat hut and say +careless like over his shoulder to the waiter, 'A bottle of that Brut.' +Just like that. I tried the concentration gag on him for a pearl ring he +had on, thinking I had him under the gypsy curse, but there was a person +who had the nerve to call herself a lady who had been saying things +about me sitting at another table with a Harry who had led me to believe +that I was his own little Star of Hope, and I just couldn't get my mind +centered. + +"Honest to goodness, I don't know what I'll do unless I find work. My +suite of apartments is reduced now to one hall room and a closet, and +the Dennett & Child's circuit is beginning to look like K. & E. booking. +The only thing I can think of for me to do is to get engaged and hock +the betrothal ring for a meal ticket. + +"Me for roller skates. Here I've been hunting a job until I wore out two +pair of these Sorosis things and not a bush shakes. Can't even sign a +contract for a Friday night amateur contest. By gum, I'd take a job +barking for a snake race. I had an offer to go into vaudeville. What do +you know about that? The act hasn't any time yet, but it will get time +as soon as it makes good, and to make good all its needs is a trial +performance, and the backer thinks he knows where he can get a trial +performance, and to get ready for the trial performance will require +about five weeks' rehearsal at nix per week. Do you think a stunt like +that is worthy of my attention? Adversity does sure land on the poor +chorus doll with both feet at every stage of the game. + +"I was reading in the paper the other day that some old pappy guy out in +Chi was making a noisy fuss that the chorus ladies stay up too late +nights. I wish somebody would show him to me, that's all I ask, just +show him to me. I suppose old Pink Whiskers was a chorus man once +himself and has got all the dope on the subject. So we stay up late, do +we? I suppose he will be wanting us to read helpful books instead of +making up, next. To my mind, of course I may be wrong, but to my mind +the staying up late nights ain't half as bad as getting up in the +morning. Of course, I don't know who or what this old wop is that made +this crack, but if he thinks we spend most of our time in sinful +idleness he'd better copper his bet. All we do is rehearse all morning, +matinee all afternoon, performance all evening and travel all night. The +rest of the time we have to ourselves, and he thinks we frivol. Why, he +ain't wise to half the privations they force on us. Would you believe +it? I have gone forty weeks without never even catching a glimpse of +Broadway, and once went for ten without even a cheese sandwich to bring +gladness to my heart. Can you beat that? And then he goes and turns +loose a rebel yell because when we do get a little time to ourselves we +stay up late nights. Oh, Mellen's Food! When does he want us to stay up? +Mornings? Some wise boy once said, 'Early to bed, early to rise, but you +don't meet any prominent people,' and I guess maybe he wasn't right. He +got the number then all right, all right, and he didn't have to speak +harsh to Central at that. We gotta do something to amuse ourselves, and +I never had a traveling gentleman yet conduct me to a watch meeting. A +girl comes out of the stage door tired and lonesome; some village cut-up +prances out and gets acquainted; the girl is hungry, so why not? Perhaps +she is sending money home every week and can't afford a little lunch +after the show herself. No, that's no taproom jest. There is more than +one of the merry-merry putting her little sister through school and +don't you forget it for a minute. And he gets sore because we stay up +late nights. He'd better roll another pill, get at the cause and then +hang the curfew on a few of those town romps. If he hands out another +song and dance number like that again, send him up to me, I'll give him +a bunch of inside info that will make him think something broke loose. + +"I managed to slip in and see 'The Talk of New York' the other night. +Say, that's a great play. Did you get wise to the way that Kid Burns +party juggles the loose talk? I don't believe there ever was a party +that slings slang the way that guy does. My mother was always particular +about my bringing up, and if I ever passed out any of this George Cohan +style of repartee she would give me a slap on the map and tell me to +chase back and handle my harangue as per Mr. Webster. So, though I have +traveled about a bit, I still retain my pure English, even when I lose +my temper, which is going some for a lady. + +"What am I going to do New Year's? I know one thing. I ain't going to +play an encore to the sozzle session number I pulled off last season. +Didn't you hear about it? Evidently you were not on Broadway last New +Year's Eve. A couple of young ladies and myself were playing a +progressive hell party all up and down the main street. You see, you +play it this way. A guy comes up and blows a horn in your ear. You swat +the horn quickly on the end with your hand. If the guy swallows more +than half the horn you win and are allowed to 'phone for the ambulance. +But that was only a prelude to the main event. Ah, me! I blush to +chronicle it. There were so many shows in town that the supply of +college students didn't come up to the demand, and as me and the bunch +had sorta turned them down after they went and lost all their money on +the Thanksgiving game, so we had an intimation that developed into a +hunch that our little 'welcome' mat on the doorstep would not be crowded +with an eager throng. We engaged a couple of window tables at the Cafe +des Beaux Minks realizing that though we were not in the money we were +still on the track. This was last New Year's Eve. New Year's afternoon +we held a reception up at Miss Verneaque's flat, took up a collection +for the widows and orphans and cleared $4.43 apiece on it. The place got +pinched and we all had to hide on the roof until the cops beat it. But +not for me this year. Me for the peaceful kind of a celebration. I don't +know what to do. The only people I have on my calling list now are the +agents, and they will all be home splashing in the egg-nog. + +"Gee, but I wish I was home. Was you ever in a country town on a New +Year's Day? Say, list. Sixty laughs in sixty minutes looks like a busy +day at the morgue compared to the laughs they hand out in one of those +one-night stand dumps. The Sons of Temperance all go out and get a bun +on ad lib. and everybody inhales good cheer. I sang in the choir. Honest +I did, but it didn't take. I got a silver cigarette case yet the +choirmaster gave me. But no home this year; me to the Cafe des Enfants. +What? Will I? Don't make such a foolish noise. I'll be there with my +hair in a braid. Two-thirty at Hector's. Say, you've got the Good +Samaritan looking like a rent collector. So long." + + + + + In which Sabrina discloses a little of her past and those of the + members of the company, tells how she was a bridesmaid and goes + into detail in regard to the benefit to humanity of having + carrier pigeons trained to rush the growler. + + + +CHAPTER TWO + + +I was strolling down Broadway the other afternoon with Oscar when we +happened to meet Miss Sabrina, the show girl. I introduced them, of +course, and then retired to the background. This is what followed: + +"I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Jenkins. I've heard the party here +speak of you." + +"Yes; and I have heard him say several nice things about you." + +"Is that so?" + +"Sure. But don't take it to heart; he means well." + +"Well, I can only say he treats me like a true friend." + +"Speaking of treats, I'll buy the beer." + +"My goodness! Ain't you afraid of catching cold--taking so much money +out of your clothes all at once?" + +"What was that you handed out? Come again, please." + +"I merely remarked that it was awful kind of you." + +"Oh, that's all right; I always was careless with my money." + +"I always like this place; it reminds me so much of the back of the drug +store in Emporia." + +"Then you are from the West, Miss De Vear." + +"Oh, yes, indeed, I'm a Western girl pure and simple--" + +"You said, 'pure and simple,' did you not?" + +"I most certainly did, and I'd like to see the party that's got anything +on me. I come from a dead swell family, I do. I may be only a poor +chorus girl, but by gosh! I was brung up right. Did you know that I was +featured for three seasons in the church choir in my home town and would +have had it for life if the stage manag--I mean the choirmaster hadn't +forgot he was a gentleman; so I just quit rather than cause talk. Why, +would you believe it?--my father was mayor of Emporia for nearly two +terms. You'd be surprised if I told you my real name and some of the +people I am related to. Say, what are you going to do with that book? +Trying to dope out whether you can buy another drink, I suppose." + +"No. I'm just keeping track of the girls I met whose fathers are mayors +of towns. I've got forty-seven for Providence, R.I., fifteen for Peoria, +Ill., ten for Atlanta, Ga., and your two makes seven for Emporia. I've +got fifty-three for chief of police, twenty-one fire captains, and +eleven postmas--" + +"Excuse me, but are you trying to infer that I am telling an untruth?" + +"Oh, forget it! Can't you stand a little jolly without going up in the +air?" + +"Well, I'll accept your apology, but I don't like to have people casting +slurs on my pa and ma, and beer wont appease my wrath when I feel like a +highball. + +"Go as far as you like. I was only ordering what I thought you were +accustomed to." + +"Say, Mr. Percival B. Fresh, you certainly are the village wag when it +comes to the Oriental repartee, ain't you?" + +"Sure I am, but I have to go to the mat when they commence to dish out +this Emporia humor. Oh. Laza! Do you care for the one in red?" + +"Of course I may go wrong, but in my mind no gentleman would make +remarks about another girl when he is with a lady." + +"Say, girlie, you're all right--lovely hair, beautiful eyes and all +that--but cut it; drop in your penny and get wise to yourself. That's a +great show you are with." + +"When was you out front?" + +"Night before last." + +"Night before last! My Heavens! Wasn't I a sight? You know the girl I +dress with had been out to a wine supper and she came splashing into the +dressing room lit up like a show window and cried my makeup box full of +tears over the death of her baby sister, and the way I had to put it on +I thought was sure good for a fine, and to make matters worse some hussy +got next to all my toothpicks and I had to use a hairpin for a liner; +but did you notice the way that cat of a soubrette keeps me out of the +spotlight? Professional jealousy, that's all; but it don't do me no good +to kick, because the stage manager sends her silk stockings and that +kind of junk, while the best I get is a chance to hold hands with the +electrician; but, of course, he gets his orders." + +"Say, that piece of work that stands on the end opposite you is all to +the berries, ain't she?" + +"Her!" + +"Surest thing you know. She looks like a night-blooming pippin to me." + +"My, gracious, Mr. Jenkins, I never knocked a living soul, but I don't +mind telling you as a friend that I personally would not degrade myself +by speaking to her, and of course you know that the hair she wears is +not her own. I haven't a thing in the world against the poor creature, +but it has been breathed around the company that she is not all she +should be. Of course, I don't know positively, but it is what everybody +says, and I only wish she would make good with that four bits of mine." + +"Well, I'm glad there's no hard feeling between you two, as I would like +to meet her." + +"I'm very sorry, but you will have to pardon me if I refuse to give you +a knockdown, for I would steer no friend of a friend of mine up against +a flim flam where there's so many nice girls running loose. Take Tessie +Samonies, for example, she ain't very pretty, but she's awfully cute, +and after she gets a couple of sloe gins boosted into her she certainly +is the life of the party." + +"All right, frame it up for me and I'll open wine or a window or +something to show that I'm a true sport." + +"You bet I will, and we'll have a nice little family party, no knocking +or nothing; just sit and talk real friendly like." + +"That's the idea and if anyone starts the anvil chorus they get the +skiddo. What? Who will we have?" + +"Well, let's see, we'll have Tessie and you, me and Silent Murphy +here--and let's see who else?" + +"Joe Zeweibaum and Miss Veronique." + +"Not yet. Joe is all right in a crowd if you can keep him from talking +about his sales, but the dame--not for me, for if there's any one gets +my goat she's it." + +"Shall we have Frank Millar and his first wife?" + +"Oh, heavings! No! For if we did his third wife would hear about it and +then she would knock me to my husband, for you know they are engaged, so +if she hears anything about me you can bet she plays it up strong." + +"Well, can't you think of some one else?" + +"No, I don't know a soul that is any good but us four. My goodness, I've +got to roll my hoop and do a shopping number, get my hair gargled--I +slept in it last night--and see a sick friend. + +"Fate sure does sic tribulations on me at every turn of the road. This +business of hunting employment has got to be so balmy that I snort and +jump sideways every time anybody says 'job.' + +"Now that the first of the year has kicked in, I thought everything +would be as merry as a marriage bell, but as yet there hasn't been a +ripple on the water. The only thing that acts as a star of hope to my +miserable existence is a date with a Summer stock that opens the first +of June, and there is a heap of smoke around that. I wish some one would +tip me off to some way of earning an honest living without having to +resort to a sock full of sand or a strong arm. But why be downhearted? I +haven't drunk up all my Christmas presents yet. As a last hope I can +load upon them and get some kind ambulance to drag me up to the dippy +department of some nice hospital. Honest, I am getting so thin that +before long I won't be able to understudy a drop of water in Mr. Hawk's +Hippodrome. + +"A nice gentleman presented himself to me on Broadway the other evening +and, after passing the compliments of the season, invited me out to +inhale a young table d'hote. The way I sprang to his side made a leap +for life seem like sinful idleness. And where do you think he took me? I +ask as a friend, Where do you think he took me? To one of those joints +where you get everything from soup to nuts, including a scuttle full of +red ink for thirty-five scudi. I was going to balk and rear in the +harness when he started to lead me up the steps of the foundry, but as I +always maintained discretion is the better part of valor, I'm two-bits +ahead anyway you play it. So I climb into the nosebag without a peep. +Yet--would you believe it?--when that wop came to cash in he shook the +mothballs out of a roll of bills that looked like nine miles' worth of +hall carpet. I had been acting very reserved heretofore, but when he +made this flash he commenced to look like a very dear friend of mine who +had been very kind to me in moments of adversity. I apprised him of the +fact, and the dog had the temerity to pin his pocket shut with a safety +pin right before my eyes. I come to find out later that he was a press +agent. Ain't it scandalous the way the Friars wine and dine the +dramatists every few weeks? I tried to agitate a bunch for the chorus +girls to give a dinner to Ben Teal or William Seymour, but while they +were all willing to be in on the big eat the way they ducked the +financial responsibilities would have made you think it was a +half-salary clause. + +"The other day I put my ear to the ground and then cavorted madly around +to Mr. Savage's office to see if there was anything doing in the 'Merry +Widow' line. The handsome gentleman on the other side of the desk +allowed a ripple of merriment to float over his features and then spake +as follows: 'All we got to do is to toll the bell in the old church +tower and nine companies will answer like the fire department.' You know +I could have gone with the Paris 'Prince of Pilson' company, but those +French gentlemen are so emotional. One tried to bite my ear in Jack's +the other night. + +"Did I tell you about Mamie de Vere becoming a bride again? She believes +in marrying at leisure and divorcing in haste. The justice of the peace +that always ties her nuptial knot told her that if she bought a ticket +she could save 50 cents per wedding and he would hand it to the happy +bridegroom as her dowry. Well, anyway they got maried after the show, so +that she wouldn't loose her job. I was maid of honor. Honest I was. +Don't it sound funny? And I carried her bouquet as the bridal party +marched up the hall to the office of the justice of the peace. Just as +he was about to pronounce the last sad rites a hurdy-gurdy started +playing 'Don't Get Married Any More, Ma,' with variations. Well, it made +Mamie so nervous. You know she always was a hysterical creature. It made +her so nervous that she had to have Wilbur--that's her husband--go out +and put a bug on the Ginny before she would allow the flag to drop. Then +we went out and had our wedding breakfast. There were six or eight in +the crowd, I don't rightly remember which, for sometimes there would be +only a few and then again it would be a turbid throng. + +"A couple of whisky sales gentlemen joined our little gathering and +proposed a race. You know I do so love athletic sports. I don't mean +prize fighters or ball players, but feats of strength. The whisky +gentlemen had a little the best start, for they had been running trial +heats. The way we staged that drinking number was a crime. How we ended +up I care not, neither do I spin. I can merely state that Mamie and I +slid for home in a sea-going taxicab, leaving Wilbur saying things to +the head waiter that no lady would listen to. + +"Oh, say, are you here with any extra junk? No, this ain't no touch. But +if you have got a reckless bundle I know how you can double it in a few +weeks. A gentleman friend of mine was captain of a fake wire-tapping +game until he got put out of business by the hard times and the lack of +suckers--synonymous. He is selling stock of a proposition that has +anything from Goldfield chased back to the desert. This is the scheme: +Listerine. He's going to train carrier pigeons to rush the growler. The +Chorus Girls' Union have already elected him an honorary vice-president. +You see, he gets these birds and trains them to carry the pail in their +teeth and smell out the nearest saloon, even a blind tiger--no matter +where they are. Then he rents the birds out by the dozen to the +theatrical organizations--special rates to musical comedies--so that all +the poor merry-merry has to do if there is no gentleman without is get a +bird from the property man, beat it for the furnished room, drop ten +cents in the bucket, write a little note to the bartender merely +stating: 'Mother has company, so not so much foam, please,' open the +window and start the dove of peace on its mission of happiness. You +needn't be afraid of the pigeon sneaking up an alley and drinking half +of it and then coming back with the stall, 'The boss is on tonight; +there ain't no bellhop to tip and all the bird wants is three or four +grains of corn, mother, and its just as happy and care free as if you +opened wine. Won't that be a boon to humanity, though? If he don't get a +Carnegie medal things are run wrong. Another stunt he is going to pull +off is canned cheese sandwiches. Well, I got to toddle along. The +Ladies' Auxiliary to the Anvil Chorus is going to hold a meeting in Alla +Sweenie's apartments. Was you ever one of them? Well, when those dames +get on the job and are grouped it makes Elinor Glyn's opinion of the +Pilgrim Mothers seem like words of praise. So long." + + + + + In which Sabrina receives money from an unexpected source, and + brings to light how she came to receive it and what she intends + doing when the entire sum is given her. + + + +CHAPTER THREE + + +"Providence has got to throw something besides 'crap,' some time or +other," remarked Sabrina, the show girl as we complimented her upon her +new gown. "And I guess I am there with rings on my fingers and bells on +my toes, or words to that effect. Take me by the hand and lead me to +some secluded nook and I will unburden my young soul." + +When we had seated ourselves and the waiter had retired for the second +time she began: + +"You have been hearing me put up a plaintive plea about being on the +rocks. Well, I was. I had everything in hock but my self-respect, and I +had that ready to tuck under my shawl at a moment's notice and rush off +to Uncle Sim's. But never again for muh. I was up in my suite wondering +if I could sign checks at Child's when the landlady shoved a letter +under my door--she could have shoved a dog under just as well as not. I +dive for the epistle, thinking, perhaps, it is some word of +encouragement from Matt Grau. I tear open the envelope and pull out a +letter and out drops a piece of paper that could look like it meant +money. It's a cinch I beat it to the floor. It was a check. I staggered +against the gas stove I was so surprised; then I unfolded it and it was +made out to me. Can you beat that? To me, and in my real name, for one +hundred, count 'em, one hundred cold, hard Clearing House certificates. +The only thing that kept me from having a scene with myself was the fact +that I had drank up all my merry Yuletide gifts. Well, by and by, after +piping off the check, counting it, biting it, smelling it, I had sense +enough to look at the letter. This is going to be a long, sad tale, so +you had better--yes, that's it--a little more of the same. You see, it +was this way. + +"Last season when I--thank goodness--when I was with a Broadway +production instead of a road show, a certain party, whom I had met while +out on the one-night stands the season before, came stampeding into town +and it fell upon my fair young shoulders to show him the sights. +Query--Did I show him the sights? Answer--Yes, I did show him the +sights. If there was any place we didn't see it was because you had to +have an introduction to get in. + +"Then Edward became inoculated with an idea that it would be a good plan +to consume all the booze on Broadway, thereby preventing others from +living intemperate lives. Such a chance. You know the new tunnel +couldn't hold the reserve supply of liquids that can report for duty at +a minute's notice on the corner of Forty-second and Broadway. The first +time I got hep to those proceedings was when I received the glad tidings +over the phone from a hospital steward that a friend of mine was trying +to bite holes in the detention sheet and shrieking my name. + +"I grabbed a book on 'Pink Animals I Have Met' and flew to the rescue. +When I got to the cot there was Edward's cherubic mug peeping out from +under about four miles of nice clean bandages and an attendant sitting +daintily on his chest. When he saw me he calmed down and dismissed the +menagerie for the nonce. 'Dearie,' he said, taking my shrinking little +hand in his, 'it was awful. It's only by mere chance that you find me +custodian of this Reptile Bazar instead of one of these "mangled +remains" things. It was this way. I had been down to the bar lapping up +a few drinks and pretty soon a band comes up the street. I go out to +look it over and there is nothing in sight, so I go back and get Arthur +to mix me up another to see if it won't make me feel better. I drink +that and hear the band again. I run out just in time to see it hiding +behind the post. It's bum harmony at that, so I go upstairs to take a +nap. + +"'I'm lying there on the bed when all of a sudden the door opens and in +marches twelve little soldiers, about six inches high, dressed in blue +pants and red coats. They climb and start to pull off a zouave drill on +the foot of the bed. That made me sour, for I don't feel like a military +pageant, so I lift up my foot and kick them out on the floor. The +soldiers don't say a word, but jump up and climb out through the +transom. In about five minutes the door opens and in marches the whole +army, all about six inches high. Gee, there must have been a million of +them, for all I could see was blue pants and red coats. I'm lying there +on the bed, taking it all in, when up rides a dinky little officer on a +horse. He salutes me and I salute him, just to let them know that there +wasn't any hard feeling. Then he says, "I am glad to state that you have +but one life to lose for your country; therefore we are going to shoot +you." Well, you know me, Dearie. I jumped out of the window. The next +time I come out of it here is this guy doing snake charming stunts on my +stomach.' + +"Can you beat that for a pipe? I look after this party with all the +loving care of a sister, and thanks to the doctor and a pump we pulled +him through. When he was able to be shipped home I went down to the +train to see him off and as he kissed me goodby he said, 'Don't you +worry, kid, I won't forget this.' I didn't pay any attention to his +chatter, thinking it nothing but balloon juice. But this letter says +that he died about a week ago and left ten thousand to me in such a way +that it won't do his wife no good to yelp. Ten thousand! Gee, ain't that +an awful huge lot of money for one poor little merry-merry to be +burdened with! The lawyers sent that first hundred along to show that +they are not pikers, and said that the rest would be along in a few +days. Gosh! I won't know what to do with it. I can't get that much in my +little lisle thread bank without spoiling the contour of that new gown +effect I am going to be poured into. Clothes, well I should hope so, +dear. When the true meaning of that effusion soaked into my system, the +way I grabbed my hat and took it on the run for the dressmaker's was a +caution to cab horses. + +"I'm going to get a bunch of clothes and then slide for home. You know +my father was mayor of Emporia for nearly a whole term, and I can go +right back into society. That is a great burg; if anybody wears anything +but a Mother Hubbard on week days they are doped out as a actress. Sure! +That's the way they know that there's a show in town, that and the band. +That town will have nothing but the best. If a show isn't good enough to +hare a band it might as well cancel. It's a great show town, all right; +sometimes they have two shows there the same week, 'East Lynne' and +something else. The Boston Store has the 'Pilgrim's Progress' on the +recent fiction counter. + +"Well, I must rush right along. I've got to go over to some place and +get a mile or two of those puff gags, mine are all moth eaten. I've got +some more things to buy and then I am going around and make faces at all +these theatrical agents. Bye bye." + + + + + In which Sabrina receives the balance of the fortune, says + farewell to the hall bed-room, secures more imposing quarters, a + French maid, an automobile and other accessories as befitting + her station. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR + + +"I've got Adversity laying on her back and purring with Contentment," +remarked Sabrina the Show Girl, as she stepped out of a taxicab in front +of a cafe, "and I guess she'll stand hitched for a few minutes. Tell my +driver to wait and then come in and have a little liquid nourishment. +This is the only place I can find where one can get any kind of service. +My, ain't I getting fussy? Here 'two weeks ago coffee and butter-cakes +were a banquet. But why dig up the past, and I reiterate the remark, +'Let the dead bury its dead.' If anybody mentions Mink's to me I am +liable to throw a foaming fit and fall in it. Every time I pass a bread +line I am filled with sorrow for the poor unfortunates, while heretofore +I got sore because they had beaten me to it. + +"Sure, the lawyer guy kicked in with the balance of the ten thousand, +and I am now busily engaged in putting it where it will do the most +good. Moved? Well, I should hope so, dear. Instead of existing in a +two-by-four hallroom, with an airshaft exposure, where you have to open +the door to think, I am now residing in a real suite. Maybe you think I +don't keep Estelle--that's my maid--on the job. She's the busy +proposition about that dump. As soon as I come out of my beauty sleep in +the morning I ring the bell and in capers Estelle with a dipperful of +chocolate, which I sip while reclining on my couch, and you can take it +from me it's got this stunt of romping about a cold room in a canton +flannel kimona trifling with the affections of a gas stove beat to a +purple pulp. + +"Then after reading the morning paper I arise, take a bawth, and Estelle +does my hair. That is, she does part of it. I can't bear any one's teeth +but my own on my Dutch braid. You know some people are sensitive that +a-way. After the hair dressing number I inhale about $4 worth of +breakfast and then lounge about my little nest. I call it my little nest +because it is finished in birdseye maple. I always have eggs for +breakfast, and Estelle puts on the finishing touches with a feather +duster and I boss the job, smoking a cigarette. I always was strong for +having things harmonize. I suppose it is my artistic temperament. I +always drink cordials the same color as my hat. After that everything is +fixed to my entire satisfaction, and I won't stand for cigarette butts +being kicked under the bed, either. I'm that particular. Then about noon +the dressmaker makes her entrance and I pick out my gowns. Clothes! Say, +when I line out of here for that dear Emporia I'll have to buy +twenty-five tickets so as I can get a baggage car free. I'll need it. +From the apparel I am purchasing you'd think I was wardrobe mistress for +a number two 'Talk of New York' company. If I don't make those canned +goods drummers in front of the Palace Hotel think there is something in +town besides a 'Tom' show I hope I never see Broadway again. + +"Then along toward afternoon I climb into some chic frock--get +that?--and taxey down here to look things over. Say, maybe you don't +think this butterfly existence is all to the berries. The other evening +I kicked down to a show I once worked in and, believe me, if some of +those dames knew what they looked like from the front they certainly +would rush out and hide in the cow lot. + +"Honest, there is one doll who thinks she has got every prize beauty in +the country biting her finger nails with jealousy. Well, she came out, +led out at that. I nearly dropped dead in my seat. You know that I am +not a knocker, and there is nothing I hate worse than to hear one lady +pan another behind her back, so I will merely make this statement. If +this person would stop trying to use up all the number 18 in the block, +would get operated on for knock-knees, have her face changed and stop +trying to be a very dear friend to the whole bald-headed department +during the opening chorus, she'd be all right and might get a job with a +medicine show. I know how she keeps her job all right, all right. I +ain't mentioning any names, but a certain party, old enough to be her +grandfather, had to put money into the show before they would even let +her have her voice tried. I was out to dinner with the same crowd that +she was with the other evening. Arthur and I were sitting at the table +in the restaurant waiting for the rest of the crowd when in she canters, +dressed up regardless like a queen in a book, in a low-neck gag. She run +a bluff as if she just had it made, but if a certain K. & E. wardrobe +mistress ever catches her with it on this party is due to get pinched +for petty larceny. As soon as she spotted me she rushed over and yelped, +'Oh, Sabrina, I'm charmed to see you.' And kissed me--the cat. Then she +said, 'Dearie, I understand you have inherited a fortune.' And raised +her eyebrows just like that. Now I had been kidded enough about that +legacy of mine, and when that doll, that ain't such a muchness herself, +commences to hand out inferences, I naturally lost my goat, but +remembering that I am now a lady I let go of my hatpin and merely +remarked, 'Yes, but I came by it honestly, and I can safely say that I +am no Foxy Grandpa's fair-haired child.' + +"That terse remark made her sit up and take notice, for she had been +telling one of the members of the party who she was trying to make a hit +with that she got her money from her large estates in England. The only +thing she knows about England she learned at a Burton Holmes lecture +that she got into on a ticket she found in the subway. + +"The gentlemen of the party called time and we sat down to the table. +She started putting on airs and telling what she knew about the Thaw +trial, so to let her know that I was right there I passed out this one, +'It's a cinch if anybody did any shooting to save your life he'll get +the chair the first throw out of the box, and the jury won't be out any +longer than it takes to get their hats, either.' Say, if she had had a +gun she'd have shot me. One of the gentlemen remarked to me, 'You don't +care for this young lady, do you?' I said, 'Sure, I like her. I like her +about as much as Bingham likes Jerome.' + +"This female party started to drinking champagne as if it were suds, so +naturally it wasn't long before she got a snootful, and one of these +crying kind, all the party began to kid her until at last she sobbed, +'Well, there is always one place I can go to where I am welcome.' One of +the guys said, 'Yes, dearie, I know it, but it is after 1 o'clock now +and that place is closed.' Then little Bright Eyes beat it and we all +had a real nice evening after that. Oh! She's a smooth one, all right; +she nearly made me lose my job once if it hadn't been that the stage +manager was carrying my suitcase I would have been decorated with my +little two weeks out in the wilds somewhere. You see it was this way: We +had a tree, not the one Arthur owned, but another, and one of the +comedians had to stand inside of it for about fifteen minutes before he +could make his entrance--laughing number--this was only a dinky little +place and only had one small airhole. Well, this foxy dame stuffed this +airhole full of limberger cheese, so when it came time for his entrance +instead of coming forth blithe and gay as per book, the comedian came +out looking as if he had apoplexy, the same naturally causing the +merry-merry to giggle ad lib. Did you ever see a wild fish? Honest, when +that man came off I thought he was going to commit murder; what he said +on the subject is not for me to repeat. Right in the middle of the +harangue this dame remarks, 'I think it was Sabrina.' + +"The next think she thunk was to wonder who let go of the asbestos +curtain, for I happened to overhear that 'aside' and bounced a +stage-brace on her think tank. If she had gone on again that night it +would have been in a wheeled chair. Another stunt she did was to put +lampblack all over the tenor's glove and he wiped it off on the prima's +shoulders so she looked like a zebra in a bathing suit, and every time +she would tell the firemen when the chorus men were getting fresh +courage by smoking cigarettes in their dressing rooms, but that is all +over now and my stage career is ended until I spend all this surplus +cash. I take it on the run for that dear Kansas tomorrow, so I think I +will go and see if Estelle has finished packing. Try and be good while I +am gone, and if anything happens for goodness sake wire me, for out in +that neck of the woods even paying for telegrams from New York is a +pleasure. Au revoir." + + + + + In which Sabrina makes a visit to her parents in Emporia, + returns after but a brief stay and chronicles some of the events + that transpired while in the city of her birth. + + + +CHAPTER FIVE + + +"Kill the prodigal, the calf has returned!" cried Sabrina the Show Girl, +as her taxicab drew up to where we were standing. + +"Thought you were in Emporia!" we exclaimed in surprise. + +"I was. I came; I saw; I conquered. Or whatever whoever said it, did. +Jump in and I'll tell you all about it. Fine business. I had more +exciting events than ever appeared before under one canvas. But never +again. You know when I started about ten days ago? Trouble? Why, I had +more trouble than a manager with nine stars and one good dressing room. +And I had to leave Estelle, my maid, here at that. I tried to get a +stateroom, but nothing doing, so me for a berth with the common herd. +Train going along fine, about 3 in the morning me pounding my fair young +ear in lower six, when all of a sudden. Biff! Mr. Engine slaps a cow in +the back and the whole works deserts the track and the caboose I'm in +slides over the bank, turns over on her side and dies, lower six at the +bottom. I get handed the following--one suitcase, two pairs of shoes and +a fat hardware salesman from upper five. Not forgetting my womanly +rights I turn loose a rebel yell and start to climb out of the opposite +window with the kind assistance of the arm of the berth, the face of the +fat salesman and a broken window, appearing as the Pink Pajama Girl on +the side of the car that was at that time understudying the roof. + +"When I got out I turned loose a couple more whoops on the clear morning +air just to let them know that I was still on the job, and took a casual +survey of the disaster. Naturally our car was the goat and the only one +that had gone wrong. The fat salesman does the appearing act next, +dragging his suitcase; waived formality and asked me if I would have a +drink. Me for the drink, and then I got him to climb back down and +rescue the rest of my apparel, and I dressed standing up there on the +side of the car, much to the edification of the train crew that were not +busily engaged in assuring the other dames in the car that they were not +dead. By and by along comes another train, and they load us all in and +we get to Chicago only about four hours late. Me being that fatigued I +rushed right up to the Sherman House, but there wasn't a room vacant on +the top floor, so I knew I would not feel at home there, so I go +capering over to the Annex. + +"Gee, but that Chicago is a bum town, and yet in Emporia they look upon +it as a Mecca of pleasure. The only pleasure I ever got there was trying +to analyze the smells from the stock yards. They don't eat anything in +Chicago but chop suey. Did you ever shoot any of that junk into your +system? Them can have it that likes it; but never again for muh. You get +it in a little dish, and the blooming stuff smells as if it was some +relation to a poultice; you eat it and then go home and chew all the +enamel off the bed. No, I don't know what it is made of; if I did I +wouldn't eat it. That's the only thing Chicago is good for, chop suey +and smells. When they get through talking about the World's Fair perhaps +they will think up some new form of amusement. I met a wop in Chicago, +one of these real romantic kind that only grow there. I was seated in a +secluded corner of the ladies' waiting room of the Annex, and he came up +and asked me if I didn't want to step in the Pompeian room and hear the +waters of the fountain lapping up against the marble. I told him I much +preferred to be up against a bottle of wine and do the lapping myself. +He, with that true Chicago gallantry, said, 'Excuse me first, I want to +'phone a friend.' + +"I'm glad I didn't hold my breath while he was gone. I think he must +have taken a surface car for Oak Park. Those Chicago rum-dums are the +true sports, all right, all right. If necessity compels them to buy +anything stronger than beer they commence to look sassy at the waiter +and talk loud. Chicago is sure rightly named when they call it the Windy +City. You just ought to have heard the line of jolly some of those boys +tried to hand out to me. To me, mind you, to me! They must have thought +that I was some unsophisticated young ingenue that never had been +further away from State street than an occasional excursion across the +lake to St. Joe. + +"I sloshed around town for a couple of days just to give those people a +change from the usual run of Randolph street romps, then I hit the +hummer for bleeding Kansas and Emporia. + +"Say, I had a great first entrance into that burg and nothing else; but +a crate of lemons got off to crab the act. When I climb down off the +hurdle, behold, the village choir right there on the job to see the +train come in. The arrival of the train--notice the train--is what you +might call the main event of the day. As soon as the village yokels saw +my trunks being unloaded they all did the grand duck for the theatre to +strike the house manager, thinking it was a show. I hadn't tipped my +mitt to the folks, so they were not at the tank to give me the parental +embrace, but after giving the necessary instructions to the baggage man +I climbed into the Palace Hotel bus and romped up to my ancestors' +abode. + +"Business of weeping on neck. Mother wigwags father, who comes over from +the grocery store, where he is electing the President of the United +States. Business of rejoicing ad. lib. Sister comes in from the village +school; neighbors kick in to see what's coming off. Entrance of trunks, +gasps of surprise by populace. Distribution of presents by muh. + +"That night there was a young people's meeting at the church. A young +people's meeting is a signal for every old dame in the township that's +not married to iron out her white silk waist and take it on the run for +the tabernacle. After the usual prelude the minister got up and said, +'We would like a few words from Sabrina, who has lately returned to our +little flock from the busy scenes of the great and wicked metropolis.' I +had to get up and hand out the usual stereotyped and mimeographed stuff +about being glad to be in their midst once again and it did my heart +good to see so many bright and shining faces, etc., etc. I had on a +modest little frock that had only lanced me about three hundred and made +the aurora borallis look like a dark night. So that the admiring public +wouldn't overlook any bets in the costume line I enlivened my discourse +with these illustrated song gestures, every move a picture. + +"After the olio the Busy Brigade of the Ladies' Auxiliary took the +napkin off a group of sandwiches and a bath tub of lemonade and we all +had an awful time with ourselves cracking rare quips. Me the center of +an admiring throng. They all knew I was an actress and they asked me to +act. You know the extent of my acting, a champagne dance and a burlesque +on the 'Merry Widow' waltz, and my lines are limited to, 'Oh! girls, +here comes the prince, now, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah.' Therefore I ducked +the request to exhibit my art. I was going home after the show--I mean +entertainment--and Waldo, the fellow I went with before I got sense +enough to blow the burg with a musical comedy--Waldo started to walk +home with me. I will say this much for Waldo before I go any further, he +has a good eye for the future, even though he is working in a grocery +store. + +"Waldo and I were walking down the quiet country lane, he telling me all +the news that had been pulled off while I had been away. When we got +down to the garden gate what do you think came off? Waldo proposed. +Honest, he proposed, just like that. Waldo's intentions were sincere, +but his work was lumpy and he went up in his lines a couple of times. He +didn't pass it out half as strong as these city chaps do when they don't +mean it. I instructed Waldo to can his chatter and forget it. Waldo got +real indignant because I wouldn't fly with him and tried to grab me. Now +I hadn't been prowling about New York alone without learning how to take +care of myself, so I gave him the heel and the way he went to the mat +was a caution for further orders. Waldo was a nice boy, but he was +rough, so after the jolt he got he had sense enough to beat it. + +"Say, I had an awful time for the next two or three days. But never +again. I'll never go any further out in the country than Claremont. +These rural districts are for those that like them, but if I can have +Broadway for a country lane you won't hear a peep out of me. Honest, +when I see a car with 'Forty-second street, crosstown,' on it I wanted +to gallup up and kiss the motorman. + +"Well, I've got to leave you here. Will tell you how I happened to leave +Emporia the next time I see you. Take it from me, I had rather be a +shine on Broadway than a glare anywhere else. So long." + + + + + In which Sabrina chronicles some more of the adventures that + happened to her while visiting her parents and details how she + stood the town on edge, was ejected therefrom, and the remarks + she made on the subject. + + + +CHAPTER SIX + + +"They say a rolling stone gathers no moss, but it's a cinch that this +pebble could have gathered a bunch of lemons since she has fallen into +her inheritance if she had but listened to their plaintive plea," +remarked Sabrina, the Show Girl, after we had seated ourselves at the +table. + +"Has some one been seeking your hand in marriage?" she was asked. + +"Honest, there are more dubs around this town who had rather get married +than work than there are actors on Broadway now. I have had three +proposals since I have been back, one of marriage. I told them all 'no.' +That I preferred to live a la carte. I could have become a farmer's +bride in Emporia if I had but said the word. I didn't tell you how I +came to sneak that snare, did I? You know I went out there with the +intention of staying a month, surging around and showing the village +belles that May Manton wasn't the only authority on correct dress. Ten +days was my limit. + +"The family and every one agreed that my metropolitan broadmindedness +was too much of a strain on the sense of morality of the peasantry, as +it were. No, nothing of the slightest consequence, nothing that would +have caused the inhabitants of Broadway to even arch their eyebrows. All +I did was to inhale a snootful and go out with a friend and stand the +thriving little village of Emporia up on end and tip it over. 'Tis a +strange tale. List, and I will unfold it to you. One day I was wafting +slowly and sedately down to the Boston Store for my mail when lo! and +behold, what did I see out in front of the Palace Hotel but an +automobile. Believe me when I tell you, it was the first time I had +looked a radiator in the face for a week. Two young fellows were +monkeying around the machine, and as they were nice-looking chaps I gave +them the furtive glance, and one of them stopped and asked me if he +hadn't been introduced to me in the Harlem Casino. At any other time I +would have taken his remark as a deep insult, inferring as it did that I +was so far from Forty-second street, but now I could have fell on his +neck and cried with joy. I told him that I had never met him in the +place he had mentioned, but to let it go at that, and if he even knew +where Harlem was it was introduction enough. + +"Come to find out they were making a trip across the continent, and had +stopped there to get a little gasolene for the machine. We talked things +over and I found out that they knew several people I did, and anyway +they were from New York and that helped a heap. They were going to leave +that afternoon, but I prevailed upon them to stay over until the next +day. I was invited into the hotel for dinner, and we opened the first +bottle of champagne wine, as they say out West, that had been opened in +Emporia since the Governor went through. In truth, the bottle was +covered with specks, and the label had faded so you could hardly read +it, but when the cork went 'wop!' three traveling men at the next table +burst into tears. + +"After we had consumed all the champagne wine they had in the snare, I +tipped them off to a speak-easy, and we decided to ride down there in +the machine, and then go for a little tour, as it were. By this time it +had been noised through the city that some one had taken the bottle out +of the show window, and a large crowd had assembled to see the +plutocrats come forth. We capered blithely out to the machine, climbed +in and hiked for the blind tiger. After the usual red tape the captain +sold us about two quarts of jig-juice--the kind that makes a jack-rabbit +spit in a bulldog's eye. + +"Anon, we again went for a ride, and I am here to state that the way we +breezed through that village made the proverbial Kansas cyclone look as +if it was running on crutches. The inhabitants that didn't duck for the +cellars stood on the plankwalk and made rude and discomplimentary +remarks. Some well-meaning Rube had tipped his mitt to the town marshal, +and that worthy cluck had stretched a rope from the blacksmith shop to +the corner of the livery stable, so naturally we had to pause. Enter +Marshal R.U.E. with business of making a pinch. After filing the usual +protests we were haled before the Magistrate. Here's a copy of the +testimony: + + Marshal--Judge, Your Honor, these prisoners are charged with + defacing landmarks, violating the pure food law, exceeding the + speed limit and disorderly conduct. Judge, Your Honor, these + miscreants defaced our landmarks by drinking the only bottle of + champagne wine that has ever been in our village--the bottle that + for so long has graced the window of our leading hotel and was + looked on with pride and reverence by the townspeople. A bottle + that has been cherished for generations until these monsters came + with their ill-gotten gold and purchased same. + + They violated the pure food law by drinking said bottle of + champagne which has been proven by the State Board of Examiners to + contain 18 per cent. alcohol. The aforesaid prisoners exceeded the + speed limit by rushing through our quiet streets at a terrific + pace, to the danger of the lives and limbs of our wives and + children. + + The prisoners at the bar are charged with disorderly conduct by the + following facts: They emptied said bottle of champagne, which was + reputed to hold one quart. That bottle of said wine was emptied + completely, which is proven by your marshal, who, after the orgy in + our leading hotel, did approach a waiter of said hotel and ask for + a taste of said wine, but upon investigation the bottle was found + to be entirely empty. + + The aforesaid bottle contained one whole quart of an intoxicating + beverage and was distributed among three people. Therefore, Judge, + Your Honor, the prisoners must have been intoxicated and therefore + disorderly. Your Honor, the prosecution rests its case. + + Judge--Prisoners, step to the bar. You are charged with, etc., ad + lib. What have you to say before sentence is passed upon you? + + Prisoners--Not a blamed word. + + Judge--I find the prisoners guilty and sentence them to pay a fine + of $50, or ten days in the city prison. + + Prisoners--Gee, you must be going to build a new courthouse. + + Judge--Five dollars for kidding the court. + +"I knew those fellows couldn't stand the strain of the $55 fine, so, +turning my back in maidenly modesty to the court, I dug down in the +lisle-thread bank and came up with a hundred dollar bill, the first one +ever seen in Emporia. I tossed it carelessly on the desk, remarking, +'Take it out of that.' You could have knocked the court's eyes off with +a club. I don't think he ever saw that much money in one group before in +his life. The clerk of the court grabbed the fresh-air fund and did a +rubber into the family safe for the change. All quiet along the Potomac. +The whole blooming city didn't have change for a century note. Can you +beat that? And they say there is no graft in Kansas. They had to go over +to the speakeasy for a change. What do you know about that? A court of a +Prohibition State going to a gin-mill for money. + +"After we got through telling the court what he reminded us of and what +he looked like, we tripped out to the machine and climbed on board and +started out again. We rode around until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, +and I got to bed just as the help was getting out to do the chores. +Maybe you don't think that evening's amusement caused some scandal. + +"Why, before breakfast the entire population was wise to the fact that +Sabrina, the pride and glory of the village, was out drinking liquor and +playing progressive hell with a couple of strange gentlemen. + +"If you want anything known in one of those wopburgs, just tell it to +the butcher--it's got a town crier or a litho threesheet faded. Mother +had the info on the whole game before she got the curl papers out of her +hair. A couple of the Ladies' Auxiliary to the Herbert Killjoy Memorial +did picket duty out in front of the house all night so as to be first in +with the glad tidings. + +"They galloped up like Sheridan twenty miles away. The Killjoy sisters +beat it, and I was just assuring mother that getting pinched was +considered very distingue by the upper crust of the eastern metropolis +when in prance the village selectmen followed by the deacons of the +church. When they came into view I knew the bell had rung on Sabrina, +the souse. They all came in looking like the first act of a funeral, and +Homer Jenkins, the head deaconorine, looked real solemn, and said, 'We +regret to inform you that we have found it our painful duty to dismiss +your daughter from the church.' I spoke up real gay like and said, 'Go +as far as you like, I never was a commuter anyway.' + +"The selectmen were at the bat next and the main guy of that informed +father that I would have to be put under bond to keep the peace, as my +actions of yesterday in drinking the champagne wine had caused nine of +the village near-sports to get stewed on Rhinewine and seltzer, and to +please let them have the money now, as they had to pay the mayor's +salary to-morrow. Then I delivered my philippic as follows: 'If you +spangled-eyed dubs think you are going to shake me down for any more +change you had better drop in your penny and get next to yourselves. +Nix, not. I've already coughed up more than the rest of the entire +population, and you are not going to lance me for any more just because +I've got a bundle. You're good people, you've got big feet, and I would +like to see you run fast. Now beat it. I'm going to blow the burg on the +next caboose, and while I don't wish you any bad luck I hope the town +hall burns down. Now take it on the run or I will give you all a good +scolding and send you to bed.' And the funny thing about it is, they +slid. I tell the folks that my light is hid under a bushel in Emporia, +grab the bus, and here I am and nothing short of an explosion will make +me leave. Put this on your 'call board,' the only good thing about these +hick hamlets is they remind you of New York because they are so +different. So long. Don't fall down the elevator shaft." + + + + + In which Sabrina attends a ball given by the Chorus Girls' Union + and frivols extensively in the vineyard and later does a + specialty with ice skates and a bottle of arnica. + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN + + +"All work and no play makes Jack a dead one," remarked Sabrina, the Show +Girl, as we met her at the appointed place. "Don't I look like the wreck +of the Hesperus? Honest to goodness, I feel like nine dollars' worth of +dog meat hanging out of a hospital window. Was you at the ball, also? I +mean did you attend last night's festivities? Ah, me! The joy and +laughter of yesterday is sure the hangover of today. I thought I would +caper down to the ball last night and just see how the other half lived, +and instead of being a mere obtrusive observer I developed into what you +might term the main event of the evening. You see it was this way. The +Chorus Girls' Union, of which I am now a member, gave a ball in +commemoration of the event of the Mayor vetoing Tim Sullivan's bill +about women smoking in public. It was instigated by the 'Knight for a +Day' girls, because when they went to plead before the Aldermen the +newspapers forgot to mention the show they were from, so that the long +talk didn't do the press agent any material good, as it were. The hall +was tastily decorated with pictures of the Aldermen embellished with +cigarette butts and champagne corks. + +"By the way, if you see smoke coming from the Knickerbocker Theatre +Building, don't turn in a fire alarm, for it is just the Friars showing +their good feeling by trying to smoke up all the Friar cigars and +cigarettes in town. + +"All of our set was there, and numerous telegrams of regret were read +from the road companies. As I say, I was seated quietly in a rathskeller +listening to the noise, when one of the young ladies inadvertently +remarked that there was to be big doings at a nearby hall, and suggested +that as she was selling tickets, it would be a good plan to buy some and +go and look the affair over, not to mingle with the throng, but merely +to add tone to the event. That listened very well indeed, and we all +climbed into a cabbage and vamped over. + +"We managed to secure a box and were seated surveying the dancers, of +which there were a few, and the wine agents, of which there was a herd, +until one of the said agents happened to spy our little crowd, and with +that true Southern gallantry for which wine agents are so noted, he sent +over a quart bottle for each one of the party, but in the excitement of +the moment forgot to include glasses, so rather than look a gift horse +in the mouth, metaphorically speaking, we did not mention the oversight +and contented ourselves with drinking out of the bottles in true +democratic spirit. Did you ever imbibe Tiffany Water direct from its +native heath, as it were? No? Then let me warn you from that lurking +pitfall. It has the same taste, but the effect, di mi, the effect is +multiplied by six. + +"All of a sudden I became inoculated with a wild desire to burst forth +into song, and also with the idea that when it came to tripping the +light fantastic toe I had Genee looking like the first lesson in a $5 +course. With that hunch in mind I shook the rest of the mob and +descended to the floor accompanied by my personal press agent. I was +wearing, at the time, one of my latest importations both underneath and +outside. When the band for the nineteenth time struck up the 'Merry +Widow' waltz, by permission of Henry W. Savage, I capered out upon the +floor, where, much to the edification of the assembled multitude, I +pulled off a combination of the 'Merry Widow' waltz and Dance of the +Seven Veils that will be the talk of the town until Bingham does +something else foolish. Did it cause excitement! Well, say, if it hadn't +been for the kindness of a friend I would at this time been pacing a +prison corridor in striped pajamas. + +"Honest, when I came to this morning and Estelle--that's my maid--told +me what I had done, I vowed that I never would speak to a wine agent +again, for I was just that mortified. After me remembering to be a lady, +and then before a mob to kick over the traces and crab the act. Believe +me, every time I see an advertisement for that brand of wine a blush +mantles my cheeks. Sure, I can blush. See. And for tears, it's just like +turning on the faucet in the bath tub. All the young creatures in our +set have to be there with the blush of modesty and the tear tank, for in +the heat and gayety of a wine party, when some one springs a travelling +man's story if we couldn't flash a flush we would be doped out as being +brazen hussies, and tears are always handy. Either for the police, the +landlord or an ardent suitor. The modern girl has to be equipped for any +emergency like a hook and ladder truck. But here I am giving away all +our girlish secrets. + +"Take it from me I'll never again gallop around the juniper bowl. I +wouldn't be a lush worker like that Alla McCune for another $10,000 +legacy. She's just started the habit lately. She thinks it's stylish. +Sure, every time she goes out with a crowd that drink anything stronger +than beer she thinks she is in society. Every time she gets a snoot full +she falls in love. Fact. My, such a scene as she caused in the hotel the +other evening. She doped it out this way: She was all alone, a stormy +night, a bottle of Scotch and a syphon. Why not light up? Talk about +your Great White Way, why, she had it looking like a dark alley in +Darkest Brooklyn. Along about 6 o'clock in the evening a gentleman +called to see her. As soon as he entered the portal Alla knew that she +had at last met her soul twin. + +"She was hanging on to the table at the time and when she let go to +embrace him, instead of being clasped to his yearning bosom, as she had +planned, her knees gave away and she skated on her profile across the +divan. This cluck, being of a timid nature, instead of running for the +ammonia, slammed the door and sprinted for the elevator. Alla, as soon +as the door closed, realized that she had been jilted, and resolving not +to be canned without a struggle, she threw on her pony coat over her +kimono, and pinning her hat roguishly over one ear, she fled the snare +and ran down eight flights of steps into the street, with two coon bell +boys after her. She turned into Broadway, going like Hose No. 7, with +her kimono streaming to the breeze, and ran all the way down to Rector's +and into the door before she was stopped by the head waiter. The two +bell boys caught up and loaded her into a cab before the police came and +managed to get her back up to the hotel, though the fight she put up was +a caution. Wine is sure a mocker and Scotch highballs is fierce. + +"I heard from the folks in Emporia the other day and they are still +talking over the time I and the two guys in the automobile pulled off. +The minister sprung a long sermon on the effects of strong drink on the +young and the Emporia Wasp--you know they did call it the Bee, but the +guy that bought it from the Bee people renamed it the Wasp, because he +got stung worse than any bee could sting--the Emporia Wasp came out with +a long editorial about the profligate rich and the Attic Debating +Society had a big pow-wow in the basement of the church on the subject, +'Be it Resolved, That more people are killed by strong drink than by +hanging.' All this had such a moral effect on the young that the soda +fountain didn't sell a claret phosphate for three weeks after. And the +Ladies' Aid got so busy over Azbe Lewis, the town drunkard, that he had +three proposals of marriage, but he decided to take the lesser of the +evils and stick to drink. I think he ain't such a dope at that. + +"Say, sniff. Can you detect the low, plaintive cry of an arnica bottle? +I am learning how to skate. Yes, I fell for it. Fell for it is good. +'Course I did. All over the ice. You see it was this way. I was up to a +tea one of the girls gave in honor of the judge getting a divorce from +his wife--we call it a tea because there wasn't any there. We were all +sitting around panning those who were not among those present, until at +last one of the girls who didn't dare leave till the party broke up +suggested that we go down to the park and take a skate. The hostess was +real nice. She suggested that it wasn't necessary to beat it clear down +there to get a skate, as she had some in the house, and if we drank that +up the Dutchman on the corner knew she was good for any amount within +reason. But we didn't mean what she meant, so we departed. Going down I +became perhaps a little too excited over the coming event and went to +some length to inform the assembled skirts that when it came to cutting +ice I, not seeking to boast, but I was there, forte, and such pastimes +as writing names or doing Dutch rolls I considered rudimentary in the +skating number and only performed by the immature. + +"I may have overestimated my ability some, for I had never been on +skates before in my life, but I'm no piker and I follow that old +principle of willing to try anything once, so when it came time I let +the boy put the skates on without a murmur, and was assisted to the ice +by about six or eight eager hands. Say, I looked out at the gang gliding +about, gave the signal to let go the ropes and took the fatal step. +Curtain. Say, I went round so fast both skates clinched in my marcel +wave. Would you believe it, there wasn't hardly any one in sight when I +started falling, but before I got through the police had to move the +crowd on. The only thing I could do gracefully was to throw a faint. I +turned one loose until somebody tried to force a glass between my teeth +and then I came to, but it was only water, so I had a relapse. Then a +nice gent kicked in with a flask and I came to. Maybe you think those +artful kidders didn't hand it to me. Anybody but a lady would have lost +her temper and cursed them. But I told them where to get off, and don't +you forget it, but I used no language that would have led people to +think I was anything but what I should be. After that I managed to skate +around a little, but let me tell you, that night I got down on the floor +to take my shoes off all right, but it took Estelle--that's my maid--and +a derrick to get me up again. Say, it's getting late and I must be +going. You know Mabel is now a bride again, and her little husband has +been staying down at the club instead of loitering about the flat, so +the other night when he knocked on the door to get in, Mabel said, 'Is +that you, Charles?' And now she can't get him out of the house nights. +You see, her husband's name is Arthur. So long." + + + + + Sabrina now falls in love with a press agent with the hectic + chatter. He proposes and is accepted, and Sabrina shows her love + and devotion by going his bail when he is arrested for + permitting his jealousy to get the better of him in a + restaurant. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT + + +Who's the guy that said "Love laughs at locksmiths?" Just show him to +muh. I'll show him where he got in wrong. It's enough to get a perfect +lady's goat. My Wilbur tried it the night he got pinched, and all he got +was a clout on the knob from the desk sergeant and a languishing number +in a prison, and I don't dare to go within a mile of the drum. + +The way I caper from one tribulation to another would make a sick woman +out of far stronger than me. Yes, I have at last found a man that loves +me for myself alone. He's a press agent, and he hands it out so sincere +that I know he must mean part of it. He's going to buy me an engagement +ring as soon as he gets his expense account. He's with a Broadway +musical comedy, and though he has run some of the girls' pictures, he +has not made the slightest advance toward any of them. + +He's been coming to see me for nearly a month. My heart went out to him +the minute he said he had a stand in with three city editors. + +Us actresses never get over our theatrical training. He's a quiet party, +and instead of hanging about the Knickerbocker bar with the rest of the +agents, he stays in the office and pounds out copy. He gave me a +beautiful silk parasol that I know didn't cost him less than four pairs +of seats. And all this before he asked me for my hand in marriage. + +Honest, I'll never forget the night he proposed as long as I live. Not +that I never was proposed to before, and some of them would have had me +starred, but the romantic surroundings and all that kind of thing. It +was this way: Me and him were the guests at a beefsteak party, and after +the fourth drink he commenced to show me marked attention, and when we +got out of the cab in front of my hotel he offered to help me upstairs, +though I generally have a bellboy for that purpose, and when we had got +up in my apartment and Estelle had gone to give the bellhop a quarter +and the pitcher, he popped the question, and such beautiful language, I +remembered it the next morning and wrote it down. + +He held my shrinking little hand in his and said, "Say, Kid, you've made +an awful good showing with me. Believe it, I could plant your stuff all +the rest of my life, and while I ain't much of a litho myself, still I +can get away with it and am the man who invented red on yellow. I can't +pay for many electric signs for you, but still if you'll plant your +heart in my cut-trunk I'll guarantee there won't be any excess and I'm +making money enough to O.K. most of your extras. + +"Listen, Party, we'll split my salary fifty-fifty every Saturday night. +I got good backing in the bank, and I want you to be my little star. You +angel!" + +Wasn't that sweet? That word angel aroused my suspicions for the nonce, +for angels are the ones who generally get lanced, but he handed it out +so fervent that I knew he would make good on some of the points, so from +force of habit I said, "Bring out your contract." + +And with those tender words and the pitcher the bellhop had brought back +we plighted our troth. + +What do you know about that? I don't believe I ever before was as much +in love as I am now. Why, I ain't been to see any other show but his for +two weeks. Of course, I have been engaged before and handed out this +eye-glistening-with-adoration gag before, but it was done only to vary +the monotony of my former theatrical career and increase my income. + +What! Sure I get an allowance from the fellows I'm engaged to. It's only +fair. Ain't I got a trooso to buy? Te, he! + +If I'd saved all the money I have been given to purchase troosos with I +would have a bunch that would make Gladys Vanderbilt's layout look like +a gingham wrapper. Sure, ain't it worth money to those wops to have the +pure love of a good, true girl? Gee, don't make me laugh like a baby. + +I was betrothed to six at one time, and the diamond rings I wore made +the prima bite her finger-nails with jealousy. Oh, I had a great graft. + +I had a birthday in every week stand. System? Well, I should hope so, +dear. + +We'd work it this way: Alla McSweeney and I were chumming together, and +naturally Monday night after the show we would meet some folks. We would +have a real nice time, and along about fourth highball time after the +show Wednesday night Alla would whisper real confidential into one of +the fellows' ear that I was going to be twenty-one Friday and "we girls" +are planning to give her a little surprise, and did he want to come in +on it. + +Every time the Johns would fall, except in Milwaukee, and nobody ever +got anything out of that town anyway. Then Alla would whisper that the +company was going to present me with a loving cup because I was such a +good fellow, and if they wanted to chip in now was their chance, and +anything was acceptable from $5 up, and to bring his friends. + +Alla would tout it up something fierce, I being totally unconscious to +what was coming off. + +Friday night would come around and Alla would borrow the loving cup from +the property man that the tenor used in the drinking number, put it +under her shawl and caper over to the appointed cafe. + +I would be the center of a bunch of merry cut-ups all wanting to blow +out the candles on my birthday cake. + +After the wine got to flowing freely and the crowd all jolly Alla would +drag out the prop and make a nice little speech on behalf of the +company. + +Me--you know I would be that flustered that I didn't know what to do, +and when Alla would say that other people beside the members of the +company had assisted I would be so gratified that I could scarce keep +back the tears. + +All the clucks that hadn't chipped in would feel so bad because they +weren't included in my outburst of gratitude that nine times out of ten +they would sneak out and try to break into a jewelry store. + +Then Saturday Alla and I would do the great divide. + +Take it from me, when I came in off the road that season I had a roll of +the evergreen that looked like a bundle of hall carpet. + +But now that I am an heiress I do not have to adopt those subterfuges in +order to get the daily Java. But I couldn't work those stunts on my +Wilbur; he's too wise, and being in the business he's hep to all that +kind of work. + +He's a good, nice, honest fellow, as press agents go, and I think I can +safely trust him with my innocent heart. + +If he don't--well, you know me. If he don't think he run up against the +business end of a cyclone it will be because I got throat trouble and +can't talk. + +Honest, my fair young brow is commencing to get wrinkled trying to dope +out whether I want to become a bride or lead the free and easy life of a +bachelor girl. + +Of course, if I get married and don't like it divorces are easy enough +to get, and then being a widow saves a girl a whole lot of +embarrassment, for she don't have to pretend to not understand some of +the innuendoes that are now and then sprung during the modern +conversations. + +But, on the other hand, Wilbur isn't there with a very big fresh air +fund, and by perseverance I might cop out a Pittsburg millionaire and +become famous. + +Marriage is worse than a lottery; it's a strong second for the show +business. You never can tell. + +Wilbur sure does treat me nice--he's promised that I shall be a flower +girl at the Friar Festival when it comes off in May. Ain't that nice of +him? + +Gee, but that's going to be the grand doings. + +Are you going to the ball? + +Say, the round of festivities I am pulling off lately would make a +person think I was a society bud. + +Oh, come closer, listen. A certain party wants me to go out in +vaudeville. What do you know about that? Can you see me doing two-a-day +and getting in a contest with Eva Tanguay or Vesta Victoria or the +Russell Brothers. I would go in a minute, though I promised mother when +I quit burlesque that I would never again wear tights. + +When I was in the business if I couldn't get a job on my voice all I had +to do was to flash a photo taken as Captain of the High Jinks Cadets, +and then--in a minute. + +Flo. Ziegfield made me all kinds of offers to go in the "Soul Kiss," but +the blondes were all full, and you can see me in a brindle wig? + +I am willing to sacrifice nearly anything for Art, but when it comes to +leaving nineteen dollars' worth of puffs in a dressing room where you +can't pick your company, not for little Sabrina. + +I used to have trouble enough with my number eighteen and lip stick and +the bunch of near-lady kleptomaniacs that the manager made a great +mistake taking on the road in the last show I was with. + +Well, to get back to vaudeville, I don't know whether to do a single +turn or put on a big act with a dancing scene or a prizefight in it. +Those things go big nowadays. + +I could get the music publishers to slip me a little on the side for +using their songs, too. Of course I don't need the money, for I've got +the biggest part of that ten thou. inheritance left yet; but still it +would keep me busy and away from the cafes, for now all I do all day +long is to roam around from one place to another imbibing booze and +balloon juice. + +It's beautiful billiards all right for the time being, but I always feel +so on the blink the next morning. + +Wilbur doesn't care; that is, he said he knew I had artistic +temperament, and if I wanted to get it out of my system, vaudeville was +as good as anything. + +I was talking to a guy the other day that is in vaudeville, and he said +that down around the St. James Building you could buy acts by the pound. + +Another guy wanted to take my money and star me in a musical comedy. +Wasn't he the kind gent? + +Gee, I didn't tell you how Wilbur come to get pinched, did I? Well, it +was this way: + +You know Wilbur is of Spanish descent even though he was born in +Canarsie, and he has a very jealous disposition; so the night after I +had promised to be his own little star of hope he discovered me in a +certain cafe with another party. This other party was a dramatic critic +and I was touting Wilbur's show, but Wilbur didn't know that, so when he +saw me sitting there having the time of my young life he lost his nanny +and caused a scene, forgetting this other party was a critic in his +passion. + +The head waiter threw them both out, and the critic, seeing the police +coming, said: "This is an actor trying to lick me," and naturally the +cops nearly beat poor Wilbur to a pulp. + +I went down to the station house and tried to get Wilbur out, but the +police were so rude that I had to tell them where to get off, and they +threatened to jug me, so I slid. + +Wilbur got out the next day, though, and told me over the 'phone that he +loved me all the more for trying to come to his rescue. I wish they +would import the Emporia police force here. I can lick him myself. + +My! is it that late? Wilbur will be waiting to take me over to Childs'. +So long! + + + + + Sabrina returns to the chorus so that she can keep an apartment, + a maid and an automobile without causing comment. She also talks + of getting a house-boat for the summer with some girl friends + and discourses on the advisability of having the wardrobe + mistress for a chaperone. + + + +CHAPTER NINE + + +"Virtue has its own reward and that's all it ever gets," remarked +Sabrina, the Show Girl, as we met her on the street. "I am once again a +wage-earner. This floating around town as one of the idle rich is all to +the peaches for a while, but as a continuous performance it makes a poor +showing. You know when I first became an heiress I had a call-board put +up in my boudoir and a little notice pinned on it that read, 'Rehearsal, +10 o'clock to-morrow, everybody,' and then I would lay in bed all morning +and make faces at it. + +"Everybody had a large bunch of fun kidding me about my inheritance till +I was nearly bug. Why, would you believe it? I couldn't go to dinner or +riding with a gentleman friend, but some humorous dame sitting at +another table would arch her eyebrows and then, if I introduced them to +the gent, they would say, 'I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Suchandsuch; +how are things in Pittsburg?' + +"At last it got so bad that I decided to go back to work and earn my +little twenty per, so that I could keep my automobile and wear good +clothes without the slightest taint of suspicion on my character. With +that noble end in view I started on the still hunt. Nothing doing with +that traveling thing. + +"I tucked my little scrapbook under my arm and sat in the waiting-room. +After hanging around in there for about half an hour I would be +permitted to glide into the big boss. I had a nice little monologue +framed up as to my virtues--no, that's the wrong word--ability. + +"None of the managers asked me what I had done, but what did I GET. + +"When I called on the gentlemen by whom I am now employed he said: +'Talent? Oh, piffle! Can you wear tights?' He said that to me. + +"I merely mentioned that I used to work for Mr. Ziegfeld and he hired me +at once. I didn't even have to show him my picture taken as Aphrodite in +a classical art study. + +"I went over to rehearsal, and of all the frowsy dames I ever piped--far +be it from me to knock, but they looked like a bunch of pie-trammers +that had just rushed over from Child's. The stage manager was a friend +of mine, and I asked him when he had started an old ladies' home, and he +told me--mind you, this is the strictest confidence--that the divorce +courts and the cheap rates from Pittsburg was raising Cain with the crop +of merry-merries. + +"I was standing over near the piano when the leading lady galloped in. +Believe me the dog she put on would make you think that she had every +other star looking like a twinkle, and before she landed where she is +now she was leading lady for a moving picture company. + +"But the comedian--honest, when he gets a couple under his belt he is +just that funny--gee! I nearly howled my head off at him calling the +tenor Gertrude. + +"Say, he got awfully peevish and was mad enough to crush a grape when he +found out that he couldn't have the 'spot' when he does his duet number +with the ingenue, and when he found out that he would have to dress with +the character comedian, who is a low, coarse brute, always drinking beer +in the dressing room and not sharing with anybody, he got so mad I +thought he would burst into tears. + +"He's another of these exaggerated ego guys, every move a picture, wears +his handkerchief up his sleeve and all that kind of guff. + +"The funniest thing about the whole show is that the author is staging +the piece, and what he don't know about the show business would make the +Lenox Library look like a news stand He wanted the tenor to hold the +prima so she couldn't show her rings. And that's the only thing that got +her the job--her jewelry. + +"We open in Hartford in a couple of weeks and then play Washington and +then come in here for a run. + +"Honest, the way those two towns fall for this: 'Manager Soandso is to +be congratulated upon securing for his next week's attraction Mr. +Suchandsuch's elaborate production of the great London success, 'The +Rancid Prune,' with the following all-star cast of metropolitan +favorites.' And some of them, ach, Himmel! + +"I do wish that the merry Springtime would hurry up and kick in. Them +can have the Winter that likes it, but not for little Angel-face; give +me the summer and that 'Robins Nest Again' number. + +"When the bock beer signs again wave in the breeze and the Dutchman in +the delicatessen don't think you are a bug when you ask for Summer +sausage; when the mint commences to sprout in the cigar box on the fire +escape and all nature seems glad. I just love those trips on the night +boat up the Hudson with the searchlight: shining on the trees and the +ice tinkling in the highball glass as the steward comes down the deck. + +"You know that I am naturally--even when sober--of a romantic and +emotional temperament, but those nights I can sit and hold hands and +inhale cocktails until daylight without an effort. + +"And then Sundays down at Manhattan Beach dubbing around in a bathing +suit--and take this from me as advance information, the bathing suit I +am going to wear this year is going to chase the waves clear out in the +ocean. I don't know yet whether I can wear it at Rockaway or not; it's a +cinch I can't if they have another moral wave like they did last year. +It's chic without being bizarre. + +"And I can safely say without fear of successful contradiction that I +look well in it, and if I can keep my hair from getting wet I'll be the +one best bet. But if the briny mingles with my marcel wave--good night, +nurse! + +"One of Mr. Hepner's assistants told me that if salt water ever touched +my golden tresses that the only thing I could do to keep them from +turning green was to get scalped. + +"A friend of mine who owns a yacht is going to send his wife and +daughter on a trip to Europe, and he told me to count myself one of a +party of six that are going to make a tour of all the neighboring +resorts--no, not that kind--Summer resorts. Fresh! + +"We had the one grand time last year. + +"I never had a more enjoyable time. Just press a button and the steward +was right on the job to take your order. + +"Anything from a glass of hops to a Merry Widow cocktail, and you didn't +have to dig once. Everything paid for ad lib. + +"Ah! those happy evenings that appeal so to every true lover of Nature +and well mixed drinks. To sit and listen to the lapping of the +waters--and booze. + +"Us girls are talking about getting a houseboat this season if we don't +have to work. Of course, the chances are that it will never come off, +but up to date that is the last dressing room pipe. + +"We are figuring on getting a nice place within trolley distance of +Broadway and then get several of our wine agent friends to stock it for +us. + +"We won't need much furniture--an ice box and a corkscrew are the only +real necessities. + +"Do you think it would cast asparagus on my character if I should reside +in a houseboat unchaperoned. + +"Oh, we can get the wardrobe mistress for a chaperone, but why talk +shop; and besides she gets a bun on and goes to sleep in a hamper, and +we girls have to pack our own bundles, and if she got soused while +chaperoning the mob it would take away the otherwise proper air of +refinement and leave us open to the gibes and scoffs of those who were +not so fortunate as to be invited to our houseboat. + +"Say, I don't want to indulge in brag or ostentation, but the gown I am +going to wear to the Friar festival they are going to pull off in May is +going to have some class to it. + +"Wilbur--that's my betrothed--is going to be one of the main guys, and +when it comes his day to get the showing keep your eye on muh. + +"I think Mr. Klaw and Mr. Erlanger are just the nicest men to give the +Friars the New York Theatre for the big doings. + +"You want to go. All our set will be there with their hair in a braid. + +"Oh, yes; Wilbur and I are getting along just splendid. We have been +engaged now for nearly two weeks and have only broken it off three +times. + +"I went to see 'Miss Hook of Holland' the other night and Wilbur got +jealous and told me that if his show wasn't good enough for me to see +without having to go to others to just come across with his ring and he +would cancel the engagement. + +"I, being a girl of some spirit and pride, just naturally yanked Mr. +Ring off and threw it at him. + +"That made him hedge and before long we were cooing over a bottle of +wine like a couple of turtle doves. + +"You can't take any too much off these men. Keep 'em guessing; thats my +system. And then they will walk sideways, so as to not overlook any +bets. + +"Take that Alla McSweeney for example. She falls in love and is always +on the job, like Faithful Fido. Sits around the flat and gazes at his +photo all day and from quitting time on she is there with her ear to the +ground waiting to hear him get out of the elevator. + +"That aint little Sabrina's graft. + +"Nix. Wilbur calls up and I tell him to wait a minute and let him cool +his heels downstairs for a while, and then when I do send for him to +come up he is more glad to see me and manages to amuse himself in +hunting for a stray glove or a handkerchief. + +"And then sometimes when he calls up I am out, just to let him know that +he is not the only star performer. + +"That stunt keeps them at heel all the time and so busy trying to keep +track of you that they don't have time to look for any other dame. So +that it works both ways for the dealer, and a couple of tears will +always copper any wrong play you make. + +"This Beatrice Fairfax dope may be all right in the simple country +maiden, but it don't go in the show business worth a whoop. You've got +to be on your toes in this game and play no steady system. + +"My, how I run on! Here I will be late for rehearsal and will have to +give the stage manager an excuse and he will fall for it until some time +I have got good reason for being late, and then he will call me. + +"Say, is it considered au fait for a bride-about-to-be to do a little +plugging for wedding presents this early in the game? Well, so long." + + + + + Sabrina in this chapter attends a beefsteak party and becomes + involved in an argument with a certain party who was formerly + her roommate but whom she left quietly and by night. + + + +CHAPTER TEN + + +"Don't I look like a tea store chromo?" inquired Sabrina as Estelle, her +maid, opened the door. "Oh, such a time I had! Never again will I go to +see that Alla McSweeney. Pipe my dial! Get onto the scratch! There are +some wounds that even powder cannot hide. It all started this way. The +girls down at Wilbur's show decided to give a beefsteak in honor of the +prima donna getting the can. Believe me, if they had let a hanging piece +fall on her she would have got but half what was coming to her. Cat! +Well, I should say so, dear. She spoiled the whole effect of that 'I'd +Rather Be a Lemon Than a Quince' number just because she wouldn't let +the pony girls share the spot in the picture. Honest, she caused more +troubles than Louis Nethersole's English actors ever imagined they had. + +"I met her socially several times, and she certainly was perfectly +lovely to me. But when she got back on the stage, why, she even had the +stagehands stepping sideways, and you know them. And the manager +couldn't call his soul his own until he had loaded her into a cab and on +her way. Wilbur told me that while on the road that between watching the +panners in the box offices and keeping her from throwing a fit on the +stage he got gray-headed. As for her maid, I can only say, 'Help that +poor creature.' One time the maid pinched her foot while buttoning her +shoe and what does the prima donna do but bounce her whole makeup box on +the top of the maid's defenseless nob. And the way she looks on the +street compared to what she does on the stage, that makeup box must +certainly have been of some size. Of course I am not roasting the poor +creature, for it may be temperament instead of temper, but I am merely +stating what I have heard. + +"But to get back to the big eat. The prima donna got too gay and when +they struck New York the home office got wise and she wouldn't stand a +cut in her salary, so they just naturally decorated her with the festive +bug and told her to take a whirl at vaudeville or something else real +mean. Say, when the news got out that she was to leave everybody was so +happy that even the chorus men went out and bought each other a beer. +What do you think of that? Well, anyway the mob got together after the +performance and decided to celebrate the event in fitting and proper +style by getting soused, and Alla kindly donated her new flat. Yes, the +Judge caught a sleeper on Wall Street and she was in strong with the cop +on the beat and the people on the floor below her had moved on account +of the noise. Selfish people. They didn't want to do anything all night +but sleep, and Alla complained that they were wearing out the steam pipe +by pounding on it. + +"After the show the whole outfit cleaned all the makeup off except +behind the ears and took it on the lope for Alla's domicile. Me being +the guest of honor, I naturally kicked in late. Gee! everybody of any +importance was there, even some of the principals, and every other show +in town sent at least one representative. Say, the drum was so crowded +that some of the couples had to turn the fire escape into a +conservatory. They would crawl out there and bombard the neighborhood +with empty bottles, until the cop on the corner would rap and then for +some two or three minutes the block would be as silent as a tomb. + +"Wilbur of course was there in his official capacity as press agent, to +not only add tone to the gathering, but to make sure that it reached the +night desk of all the papers, for if these society guys get a column and +a half they ought to be willing to slip us poor chorus dolls a couple of +sticks and keep it from under police news. + +"I was there to see that Wilbur did not, under the influence of the +charming company, make any remarks that might be misconstrued by any of +the assembled gathering as a declaration of love. For them dolls are +always on the job and the only time they don't catch a live one is when +their hands are tied. Jealous? What! Me? Not so you can notice it, but I +ain't going to have anybody have anything on me, and while I caused no +scenes, I left the impression that I had Wilbur trained so that he would +roll over and play dead at the word of command. While these 'keep off +the grass' signs don't do much good, still they run a horrible bluff. +Did Wilbur get wise to this move on my part? Not on your life! If he +found out that I was, figuratively speaking, riding herd on him, he +would get chesty and all swelled up until it would be my painful duty to +lance him. I don't know yet whether Wilbur is a rhinestone Billie or a +Whisky amber Billie with a dash of bitters Billie, but I am On the Job +Betty, all right, all right. + +"Well, to get back to the beefsteak. After all the guests had assembled, +which was maybe some 2 a.m., they started in. It was merely the ordinary +stunt of beer and beefsteak and beefsteak and beer, but the hours were +enlivened by the vaudeville performances of the guests. This was before +the precinct sergeant knocked on the door. One old frump that must have +been tramming a mace in the Roman Hanging Gardens got a yen that was +doing imitations she had Elsie Janis and Gertrude Hoffman looking like a +couple of false starts. Another took the hooks out of her marsel wave +and did that time-worn stunt of 'Laska.' Then one of the chorus men gave +an imitation of George Cohan, as usual. But that don't explain the +scratches; does it? + +"To go back sometime, there was a certain skirt that I used to room with +in Chicago when we were both broke, but one night she went out with a +bunch of siss-boom-ah! boys and came home with a large and juicy snoot +full and spent the early morning hours in leaning out of the window of +the apartment and whistling through her fingers to the milkmen, as well +as staging a disrobing number in the middle of the room with the +curtains up to such an extent that the inhabitants of the outlying +districts had to wait sometime for their morning milk. + +"This, naturally grated on my refined sensibilities, so the next morning +while she was yet beating the hay, I packed my little suitcase and took +it on the run away from there, leaving her, you might say, on the pan. I +went into the pony ballet of a La Salle Theatre show--can you see me as +a pony?--and I heard that she was advancing Art with a stock burlesque +in South Chicago. That evening she was among those present at the +aforementioned social function. And while we kissed and embraced each +other with the affection of long lost sisters, still I could detect +above the odor of cocktails an underlying current of soreness. So we +clinched, but I took particular pains to see that we went clean in the +breakaway. + +"A young gentleman from Pittsburg was one of the guests and this +creature naturally put herself forward to make him have a real nice time +and, while I am true to Wilbur, still I think it my duty to be kind to +every one. This Chicago party got the hunch that I was trying to beat +her to this Pittsburg wop and she managed to get him in a corner and I +could see out of the corner of my eye that she was making a strenuous +effort to reveal some of my past, and, while I have never done anything +that would cast a breath of suspicion on my spotless character, still I +knew that this party would not hesitate for a minute to do some +romancing, so I naturally edged over toward that particular corner as if +I was not noticing myself do it, and overheard her inform the gent, that +while I had the outward appearance of an innocent young babe, I was a +viper at heart, and had beat it out of Chicago with some ten or twelve +thousand dollars' worth of her personal jewelry. + +"Shucks! All the jewelry she ever had was a diamond stickpin she bit out +of a gentleman's scarf when they were going home in a cab, and all she +had left of that was the pawn ticket. + +"Naturally hearing the libelous remarks, I was compelled to defend +myself, so I quietly interrupted her conversation by remarking lightly +over her shoulder, 'Ah! I see, Laura, that you are still a member of the +Arm and Hammer band, and I wish to mention in passing that the only ten +or twelve thousand dollars' worth of jewelry you ever had you returned +to the property man every night after the ballroom scene.' + +"As for me eloping with your belongings all you ever had was a dirty +handkerchief kimona, a Fluffy Ruffles skirt and a near-seal jacket, and +you had to throw a chill when you entered a cafe so as not to have to +take that off. If you had you would have been disgraced for life." + +After those kind remarks Laura's goat naturally make a quick exit. She +jumped to her feet, and with one of those 'Parted on Her Bridal Tour' +expressions, said: 'It's you, is it, Sabrina; you were always noted as +the Butting-in Kid. But now if you have got all of that humorous +monologue of yours out of your system you can toddle right along and +sell your matches, as this kind gentleman and I are discussing a few +words in private and do not wish them to get all over town.' + +"'Can that chatter,' said I, 'and don't forget the happy days you spent +at Sid Euson's.' Right there is where I got that scratch. But I being +pretty nifty with my fins gave her a cuff on the chops that she won't +have to put down in her diary to remember. I was just fishing for an +opening to land when Wilbur stayed my upraised arm, and I could only +give her a kick on the limb with my French heel. Naturally the noise and +the words attracted some attention even from that bunch; that is, it +could be heard above the usual hum of conversation. The dame, knowing +that I was in the right, tried to tuck the Pittsburg party under her arm +and duck the dump, but Pittsburg being a game guy, stuck for the big +show, and Laura loped for the 'L' alone. + +"Wilbur was naturally surprised and grieved at my actions, and for a +moment allowed the green-eyed monster to take up standing room in his +heart, thinking that I had succumbed to the wealth of the coal dealer, +but my ready outburst of maidenly tears quickly set me to rights. That +was the only thing that marred the evening, except one of the girls +spoke kindly to a chorus man, and he, poor fellow, threw a fainting fit +and we had to force the only jig juice in the crowd between his clinched +teeth before he could be revived. + +"Yes, I am still on the stage, but I have got the stage manager trained +so that I only have to slip him a five spot any night I fail to appear. +No, there isn't much doing except that some of the girls are rehearsing +for the soul kiss contest, but I personally do not have to advertise. + +"What! Going? Say, on your way down tell the barhop to mix me up a life +preserver in a rose glass." + + + + + Sabrina touches on the advantages of having a hotel for chorus + girls and makes several comments on the dramatic possibilities + of "The Mangled Doughnut," with which she is rehearsing. + + + +CHAPTER ELEVEN + + +"Say," remarked Sabrina, as we met her in front of her favorite cafe, +"say, loosen up, cough, give down, come to, kick in. You've got to +donate for a couple of tickets to the annual benefit of the Unemployed +or Otherwise Disabled Chorus Girls' Home, and the quicker you come +across the quicker your suffering will be over. Sure we are going to +have a benefit that will make even the Friar Festival get up and hump +itself. And you know that's going to be some show. The Chorus Girls' +Mutual Knocking Society is going to build a home so that the poor doll +who comes in from the high grass in her normal condition, broke, can +have some place to go and rest and refresh herself without having to +hock a couple of wedding rings before she can have her hotel trunk sent +up. + +"There's going to be fifty sleeping rooms and ninety-six maids, so that +if the poor skirt wakes up in the morning feeling far from a well woman +all she has to do is to tickle the zing-zing and the maid is right there +on the job. There is to be nineteen sound-proof parlors with two pianos +in each parlor. + +"While there will be a chaperon, of course, she will permit the young +ladies to entertain their friends in a quiet and ladylike manner until +the porter starts cleaning up the bar in the morning. The inmates will +of course be allowed to sign checks, but from visitors only cash will be +accepted. + +"Can you see a mob of those merry dames around that drum? Talk about +your something doing every minute! Say, it will look like open time +around that shack. Burlesquers are canceled. They can't come into the +home. Well, they never have much of a home anyway, so they don't miss +much. + +"Burlesque is sure one strenuous existence. Mother made me quit. That +and the doctor telling me that I would ruin myself standing around a +draughty stage in tights. And besides those burlesque stage hands +certainly are cruel. Why, you have to put the money right in their hand +before they will beat it across the alley for a can of suds. If that +ain't cruelty I don't know what is. Do they think us girls would enjoy +our refreshment if we have to pay for it ourselves. Why, it hasn't got +the same flavor. Do you think a girl lacks class when she puts salt in +her beer? + +"That home will be a great thing. Imagine going home every night without +wondering if your room is locked and the landlady sitting on your trunks +at the top landing. You can just flounce into your nest any old time and +know that everything is right there, unless one crafty girl has bribed +the chambermaid for the key. You can never tell about those people. Why, +I know one girl who kept stealing hairs out of the different wigs in the +dressing-rooms until she had enough to make a Dutch braid, and then she +put on such a front and chest that she wouldn't speak to any of the +other girls should she happen to meet them socially. I have always +wanted a home, not that I haven't been offered several, but I mean a +permanent one. But to continue about the benefit. + +"Wilbur is going to manage it, and he expects to shake down enough to +start us housekeeping, but, of course, that is strictly under your hat, +and I pray you do not mention it. I think we can get Mr. Erlanger to let +us use the New York Theatre if we promise not to damage the fixtures. He +lets every other benefit have it and he certainly wouldn't object to a +few poor chorus girls pulling off a shindy, seeing as how they did so +much for his success. + +"Suppose none of us had gone on in the chorus of 'Ben-Hur'? Just think +what would have happened. Didn't know there was a chorus in 'Ben-Hur'? +Say, what are you trying to do, kid me, or just show me a good time? + +"I was around yesterday trying to get some of the oldtime merry-merry +who are now some of our leading actresses to appear at the benefit, but +they all threw a fit at the mere mention of the fact that they had once +carried a spear. For my part I see nothing degrading in the work, even +if we are held up to the gibes and chaff of some of these newspaper +near-humorists. + +"It certainly is an honorable calling, and if you look good from the +front you can always have your pick of the menu. So that any dame that +can hand out the frightened fawn glance need never starve. + +"Ain't it funny the way these Johns stick their noses to the ground and +start on the trail of 'the soldiers, villagers, etc.'? They'll pass up +anything just to be able to stick their arm through the stage door and +hand the doorkeeper a bunch of violets. + +"They will leave Flossie, the belle of the village, waiting at the gate +any time a burlesque three-sheet shows up on the side of the blacksmith +shop. And right down front, with their feet on the base drum, handing +out the coy glances before the first curtain is a foot from the stage. + +"Yep, I'm still rehearsing with 'The Mangled Doughnut,' and the author +of the book told me yesterday, in the strictest confidence, that it will +be the best first-night performance Hartford ever saw. + +"He says he expects to stay up all that night rewriting the book, but he +is willing to sacrifice a few hours' sleep in the interest of Art. And +for the musical numbers, as we are rehearsing forty-two songs, some of +them ought to go. The only thing wrong with the show as far as I can see +is that the prima donna acts like she was in a trance. It is my personal +opinion--of course I wouldn't have you breathe this to a living soul for +worlds--but it is my personal opinion that she sniffs the white. She +either does that or jabs, though it don't show on her arm. The leading +comedian is a sad affair. + +"He would make a good understudy for a morgue, and that's about all. +Why, I offered him suggestions for some new business in his cafe scene +and he went up-stage on the run and informed me that when he desired +instructions from the chorus concerning the way to handle his part he +would address me in writing. I said to him: 'Far be it from me to get +gay, old top, but I would respectfully suggest that you get busy with +the pen and ink.' Then he was going to have me fired. Such a chance. + +"He had better find out what I know about the past history of the person +who hired me before he hands out any lurid language about my dismissal. +I know right where I stand, and though I am one of the shop girls in the +first act, instead of having my regular place as an American heiress, I +know right where I stand every shake out of the box. + +"Viola St. Clare is sure having the one strenuous time with her new +husband. The poor dear is nearly balmy in the crumpet from worry. You +see, they have been married but four long weeks, and the last three +nights he has been coming home sober, and she believes he is deceiving +her, so she is trying to get enough money from him so that she can hire +a private detective to have him shadowed. + +"They tell me that Sam Harris has to punch a time clock. I know one +thing, and that is when I am married Wilbur will not be one of the +leading lights of the Knickerbocker, even if I have to prance down there +and drag him out by the neck. Gee, there ain't much doing in town now. +Wilbur and a couple of friends are already running trial heats for the +Twenty-three Club dinner, and if he ever recovers from that our +engagement will be announced. I am having the photographs taken now. + +"Tell me, do you think it's good form for a lady to have her wedding +announcement accompanied by pictures of herself in tights. Wilbur says +that it won't help me, but it will do the show a lot of good, and he +says somebody connected with my show should be done good besides the +manager. + +"I will say one good word about our show--it has a grand first act. The +other two acts may be on the cheese, but the first act is good. The +author says the first act of a show is the only one that needs any +attention, because it is the only one the critics ever stick for anyway. +We got great scenery; the second act is made of what you might call a +composite set, being composed out of all the scenery from the other +failures this year. + +"Did I say other failures?" + +"I spoke inadvertently. 'For this elaborate production, with its +all-star cast of metropolitan favorites and its famous beauty chorus,' +as Wilbur says, may be all right. + +"Mind you, I only say may. + +"The first act is laid in a quince plantation, and the quinces of the +chorus are discovered at curtain rise picking the luscious fruit. There +is a naval vessel in the harbor. This was put in so the tenor could wear +his white duck uniform; he had to wear something, and when the +management found that he had a white duck uniform--every tenor has, you +know, or he wouldn't be a tenor--when the management found that he had a +uniform they took the money they had advanced for costumes away from him +and rewrote the first act. + +"As I say, we lemons are picking quinces or we quinces are picking +lemons, any way you want to take it, and after finishing the opening +chorus we rush up stage, open center, and in comes the prima donna in a +pony cart--a stone boat would suit her better, but that is neither here +nor there--see pony cart, chance for number by pony ballet, with six +trained doughnuts--you see that's where the title of the play is +introduced. That's the only time the title shows up except a duet +between the leading lady and the tenor entitled 'I Had Rather be a +Doughnut in Harlem Than a Butter Cake in Childs'.' + +"The prima and the tenor do an imitation of the 'Merry Widow' waltz. The +author didn't want that put in, but the backer of the show convinced him +that nowadays every true musical comedy had an imitation of the 'Merry +Widow' waltz, so he let it slide. + +"After that in comes the comedian as the valet of a wealthy American +just arrived on the battleship. + +"He has got a great entrance. It's brought out by some plot lines spoken +by two of the chorus girls that he has taken a taxaballoon from the boat +and while up in the air he bites the rope of the balloon in two in a fit +and falls center stage with a red spotlight on him. That's the musical +cue for his song. + +"'I'd Rather Be Up in the Air Than Up in the Bronx.' He has learned +twenty-two extra verses and says that he will give them all if the +ushers' hands hold out. + +"When he is through in comes the soubrette, formerly a lady boilermaker +in Canarsie, but now disguised as an adventuress, in search of the +missing papers. + +"She has the papers in a locket given her by her mother, but don't know +it until the comedian bites her on the neck in the third act and breaks +the chain, when the locket falls to the ground and the papers fall out. + +"The second act is a scene in Maxim's, where the leading lady is washing +dishes. That gives more comedy, with the comedian as a dish. + +"The American is hiding from his wife and goes to Maxim's because he +knows she'll be there. If she wasn't, shucks! There wouldn't be no show. + +"He does his specialty with a piece of cheese--not the prima donna--and +after that the American Beauty Chorus comes in and does a refined +can-can. + +"My how I have run on! I just know I'll be late for rehearsal, but don't +forget the benefit. We need the money, Wilbur and me. So long!" + + + + + In which Sabrina prepares to leave town with the show, but + pauses to pass a few remarks on love, comedians, murders, maids, + spring millinery and the advisability of anyone marrying their + first husband. + + + +CHAPTER TWELVE + + +"Goodbye, dear," said Sabrina, as we met her hurrying up Broadway. "Our +show leaves town to-morrow. We got to get to Hartford in time for a +dress rehearsal before the evening performance. My, such a time we have +had. You know the comedian we had threw up the sponge at the last minute +and we had to dig up another. Thank goodness, this one is a gentleman +and not getting fresh with the merry-merry every time he gets a chance. + +"Oh, say, was you at the Friars' Sunday Night in Bohemia a couple of +weeks ago? The Friars spend every night in Bohemia or the Knickerbocker +bar, so Wilbur says. But honest, this was a great stunt, seconded only +by the Festival they are going to pull off in May. + +"The curtain went up on what looked like a busy day in Childs', and +Wells Hawks was in the spotlight, surrounded by a bevy of blondes and +empty champagne bottles. They tell me that Gus Edwards had to blindfold +Hawks to lead him up to the table where the empty bottles were, and as +for the girls, it was with a great effort that they restrained +themselves. + +"All they could do was to look at the empty bottles, hold their noses +and drink mineral water. Ain't it awful, Mabel? Anyway, everybody had a +good time, so what care they for gibes and jeers? Many the time have I +held a champagne cork to my nose, closed my eyes and dreamed that I was +having a time. Well, to continue about our show. Wilbur says it will +never go, because they only got block stands, and an agent ain't got no +show without at least one kind of a litho. Wilbur said it hurt the +artistic instinct of a billposter in these hick towns to put up all +block stands, and you generally have to slip them a little something to +be sure that they burn up all the extra stuff, so that the manager of +the company wouldn't find it should he go snooping around the bill room +when the show gets in town. He says if they get a good litho of a +killing or a chorus they will go out of the way to stick them up just +for art's sake. Wilbur is going to give me a suit case full of hard +tickets to the Friar Festival, and told me to mace every John I came +across on the road for as many as he would stand for. He said the more I +sent in the more he would know I loved him. Wilbur is so romantic! + +"This new comedian we got with the show is pretty good, but of course I +can see defects. And the new prima donna is real nice. She asked me into +her dressing-room the other afternoon and slipped me a little idea +encourager that she had in a flask. But the way she is in love with the +tenor, honest, it's sickening to me. She watches him from the time he +comes in the theatre until the time he leaves, and then calls him up on +the 'phone at his home. + +"The other day when he asked one of the girls to tie the ribbon in his +cuff she got so jealous that I thought she was going to give the poor +kid a lam on the lamp. What she can see in that tenor is beyond me. What +anybody can see in a tenor has got me guessing, for that matter. Wilbur +says that's just the way with temperamental people, and he lost a job +once just because he forgot to land pictures in the Sunday editions of +all the newspapers in town of the manager's own particular guiding star, +but planted a bunch of her dearest friend instead. He says there's no +pleasing them, and the only way to have peace and harmony around the +whole show shop is to print flashlights of the entire company. And even +that looks like blazes, for the editor will always reduce an +eight-column flashlight to a two-column cut, no matter how many drinks +you buy him. + +"He says he saw a murder once--was the only witness, in fact--and he +took it on the run to a newspaper office and offered to trade a Charles +Sommerville to the editor for a reading notice about the show, and the +editor told him that they could get all they wanted from the police, and +what they didn't get wouldn't hurt the public if they didn't know about +it. He says if that wouldn't give the press agent art a kick in the neck +nothing would. + +"Wilbur says he loves his art and nothing pleases him better than to +find a box office that will take his I O U. Us chorus have been sure +working hard the past week, and Ben Teal has been just that kind and +gentle, and didn't put a one of us on the pan. We certainly have got +some lovely costumes; they ain't much to them, but what there is is +beautiful. They smell a little of camphor, but they have been packed +away in hampers ever since last season, and that accounts for it. + +"I got a fine scene with the comedian and should score a great personal +triumph. All of us girls are lined up for his entrance in the second +act, and when he comes in he walks right over to me and says: 'Ah, +little one. How are you on the Queen's wedding day,' 'Queen's wedding +day,' that's my cue, and I say, 'Very well, thank you kindly, noble +sire.' Aint that great? It takes nearly a whole side. I was rehearsing +it in my apartment this morning with Estelle, but she was so rotten as +the comedian that I took away the last $5 I gave her for a tip. + +"These menials have no talent in their souls. Estelle, that's my maid, +says she has no desire to elevate the drama, and she had rather be a +maid for a chorus girl any time--there's more money in it. She may be +right at that. + +"Alla McSweeney is going to start a New Thought Church. She says that +she has a whole flock of new thoughts and it would be quite fashionable +to start this new think stunt. She said she would tell us her new +thoughts if she thought we would never breathe a word to a living +breathing soul. Gee, that lets our gang out. + +"They couldn't keep quiet if it killed them. Honest, for a bunch of +knockers, perfect both in single handed knocking and team work, our set +has anything bound to the bannister in New York. + +"But what care I? Spring is coming and we will all soon hike to Bath +Beach. Honest, for a country place with all the conveniences of home +Bath Beach is the top liner. You can put a can under your shawl and rush +a couple of blocks and always get it full of the best, and if you put +butter around the side of the pail the barkeep ignores the fact and goes +right ahead. + +"I may get a motor boat this summer if Wilbur gets his summer snap at +the island. + +"Coney, I mean, not Blackwell's. + +"He has never been over there except to take flowers to the Poillon +sisters. They love nature so. Charlotte says it makes her homesick every +time she sees a Joy Line boat go by. + +"The benefit season will soon open and any person that has a couple of +thousand dollars to pay for a theater can git a benefit for himself and +maybe draw down a couple of hundred more. The benefit for the chorus, +girls has gone up in the air, for none of them would acknowledge that +they were chorus girls. + +"They were either show girls or pony dancers, and that let them out. +Anyway, each girl wanted to bring her maid, and the dressing rooms would +have been so full of maids that there would have been no room for the +dolls. I had it all framed up, too. I had six wine agents and a whisky +salesman who guaranteed to appear, and that alone would have made the +thing a financial success. But what could I do? + +"Our bunch has been rehearsing five weeks without salaries, and with the +excessive taxicab rates we got no money to spend on clothes to wear to +the ball, and the wardrobe mistress keeps an awful tab on the costume +hampers. + +"A certain friend of mine, who, by the way, I wouldn't trust any further +than I can throw an elephant by the tail, had the nerve to take me up in +her apartment the other day and show me her new bathing suit she had +just imported from Paris. It was a swell thing all right, but sewed in +the waistband was a piece of cloth that said 'Burgomaster 2' on it, so +you can draw your own conclusions. + +"Honest, the way some girls steal is something awful. Take it from me, +it's nothing less than stealing to swipe a wardrobe. Of course, if the +show is going to close it's all right, but from a successful production, +never. Lifting a scarfpin from a soused party is all right, for he is +supposed to do something to remunerate the lady for wasting her time by +taking her to supper. + +"Spring has sure come and I do just glory in nature. I suppose that is +because I was brought up in the country. We never have anything but +nature in Emporia. + +"Oh, I heard from the folks the other day, and they tell me that Emporia +is now growing to be some town. The bank is putting up a four-story +brick building, which is going to be looked on as the village +skyscraper. + +"The town council has already passed resolutions restricting the height +of the buildings to six stories. They ain't going to take the chance +that New York does, and have some of these big tall ten-story affairs +topple over into their streets. + +"All the yaps out in that neighborhood are lining out for the spring +plowing now while the yaps here are lining out for the spring millinery +openings. I already got the dressmaker on the job for seven or eight +modest little frocks that will make them sit up and take notice Sundays +down at Manhattan Beach. + +"I have decided that I am going to be an athletic girl this summer, and +am already taking exercise every day. Why, I walk all the way from the +subway to the hotel, and that's nearly half a block. + +"Say, what do you know about this? Posey Golden has married her first +husband. + +"Honest! You know they were divorced shortly after she got a good job, +and have been living apart ever since. + +"She married again to the nicest gambler you ever met. But he got stung +on a sleeper, and had to hock the family jewels, and Posey said that was +cruelty, for she could never have the face to go down to the dining room +for breakfast without all of her diamonds on; she had worn them every +day since they struck the St. Reckless, and she was afraid it might +cause talk among the waiters and guests because she always treated them +with a calm air of condescension, and they would lay for the chance to +get in a hammer. So she put in a bid for a divorce and got it. + +"Then she met her first better half on the street and, after having a +little supper, they decided to sneak through the tunnel, take it on the +run for Newark and again become one. + +"Imagine anybody going to Newark to get married! Imagine any one going +to Newark for anything! + +"They got married and came back to town just as happy as if nothing had +ever happened. My, I hope Wilbur and I will be that way! I think he is +sincere even if he does write good notices about girls in his show. + +"Well, I must toddle along and see if Wilbur has cashed his yet, so that +I can get the rest of that new hat. If it ain't too much trouble you can +send me a bunch of flowers for our opening night in Hartford. So long." + + + + + The show gives its opening performance and Sabrina scores a + great personal success. She speaks at some length of the kissing + craze and makes several comments on the time she had while out + of town. + + + +CHAPTER THIRTEEN + + +"Are you coming to the opening tonight?" began Sabrina, the Show Girl, +before she had given her order. "I don't know if you can get a seat or +not, because the management is tired of having the same old gang out in +front, and have donated about two-thirds of the house to the ladies at +the Martha Washington, for they know more about a real show than +anybody, because they read the dramatic page of all the fashion +magazines, and the other third of the house will be taken up by the +dramatic critics and their friends. + +"We had a great opening in Hartford. The theatre was crowded four rows +back. The first act went great, but we couldn't tell how the last one +went, because nobody but the author and composer stayed for it, and they +are a little partial. + +"I scored a great personal triumph, and the way I read my lines was not +only greeted with applause, but with laughter. In fact, I made such a +decided hit that the prima donna, who, by the way, is worse than the +first, because she drinks, had the manager take my lines away from me +and give them to somebody who could not read them as well. If I wasn't +afraid she would blackball me for the P.W.L. I would raise a kick. The +idea of an old frump like that letting professional jealousy interfere +with Art. + +"After the performance that night the author got busy and rewrote the +whole second act, and had it all ready by the time we landed in +Washington. + +"Do you think we get a chance to rush around and mingle with the +Congressmen and other such truck? Not on your life. It was to the show +shop for us and do the big rehearsal all day, and we only had time to +slip out and soak up a sandwich and get back in time for the evening's +performance. + +"I changed my tights from blue to pink for the first night and scored +another personal triumph. So much so that the soubrette made it a point +to stand in front of me every time she did a number with the chorus. She +belonged over on the other side in front of the Glonesganes creature, in +order to dress the stage, and the manager jumped all over her for +moving. + +"The show went big that night, and the next day some of the critics +spoke favorably of it. I don't care what they say, it's a good show, and +as the plot has been almost entirely eliminated it should go well here. + +"After rehearsing all day Tuesday we were allowed to walk up and down +Pennsylvania avenue and get acquainted. I met a gentleman who said he +had been introduced to me in New York, and he certainly treated me +grand. We went over to the Willard for supper, and he just tossed the +menu toward me, careless like, and said, 'Got to it, kid.' Talk about +your Southern gallantry! A bunch of these near-sports will rush a girl +into a feedshop, and they have no more than got seated at the table +before he will commence talking about the big dinner he has just had, so +that the poor thing feels like a burglar if she eats anything more than +a couple of lobsters. But not this Percival, he frankly admitted that he +hadn't had anything to eat for a week and scratched no entries. + +"I wish these New Yorkers were that way--nothing personal dear--but they +have become so callous to feeding the merry-merry that they have the big +eat dodging stunt down to a science. The only way to get more than a +two-dollar, including wine, feed out of most of these moss-covered +pocketbooks is by blasting. + +"Why, I have known certain parties to adopt the subterfuge of going out +to telephone and then beating it to avoid paying the check. Thus leaving +the poor feedee to pay the bill or wait longingly for a friend to show +up on the horizon. + +"A gentleman who will pull off a deal like that is not worthy of the +confidence of one of our sex. But, understand, I am not by any means +damning the whole male sex, for I have met gentlemen who threw the lid +of their grouch bag in the gutter and didn't care if they ever found it +again. Those is the kind of parties that has my trust. Me grub, and I +got money in the bank? Sure I do. I got to keep in training somehow, so +if I did lose my inheritance I wouldn't be out of practice. + +"Wilbur don't blame me for it. He says that the object in life of an +agent and a chorus girl is to plant everything they can get their fins +into whenever they can, for it don't last long, and the good people +ain't healthy. And goodness knows I sure do need my health. For though I +appear to be a strong, robust creature I am a frail woman. + +"Wilbur can moan and groan around with a hangover for a couple of days, +but I have to be right on the job all the time with this smiling face +and laughing eye thing, or he would seek some other place for sympathy. +Why, many a morning I have spoke light and happy words of cheer to him +over the 'phone with a tongue as thick as a board-walk and the inside of +my nob yearning to burst loose and flop around in the cool morning air. + +"Do I caper up to the transmitter and sob, 'Oh, darling, I fear me that +I am not long for this earth!' Never! I take a long drink of ice water, +and when his 'Is this you, kid?' comes over the wire I chirrup back, +real bright and gay, 'Right O, Kiddo!' and when he says he don't believe +he can live through the day, do I suggest that we die together? Not I! I +tell him to forget it and go downstairs and have George mix him up a mug +full of the hair of the dog that bit him. That shows the love of a good +woman. + +"Was you at the Chorus Girls' Ball last Saturday night? My, I would +hate to cast any reflections on the judges, but their choice certainly +was bum. Still I suppose they are old men and not up on the modern 1908 +rules on osculation. + +"In their day when a young man imprinted a chaste salute on a dame's +alabaster forehead he was supposed to go into a fit of delight, but not +according to this year's book. Now they clinch with a strangle hold and +stick till one or the other drops from exhaustion. I did not enter the +contest, for I am not a chorus girl; I am a show girl, if you please. +What's the difference? Five a week. + +"This kissing craze is getting to be something scandalous. Not that I +object to it. But I blush to think that the time-honored customs that +were once performed in the front parlor, with the gas turned low, is now +used in contests and numbered as a feat of strength. + +"Wilbur and I went to the ball together, and as soon as he struck the +hut he wanted to rush right over and run a few trial heats with the +contestants, but the easy way with which I made him change his mind was +a joy to the eye. He said to me as we went in the door, I think I will +toddle over to the paddock and see if the fillies are in form. He was +making a wild rush to check his shawl when I mentioned casual like, as +if I wasn't noticing myself saying it, 'You know that I am an added +starter.' Bing! Skyrockets! Wilbur goes up in the air and comes down all +spraddled out. + +"'What!' he pipes, as soon as he got his breath, 'my financed bride +billed to appear in a hugging handicap? Not yet! Sabrina you certainly +do jag my jib to think that you would enter into such a deal. From now +on our trail parts.' 'Oh, I don't know,' I said. 'What's sauce for the +goose is sauce for the gander, and if you pull off any stunts you can +figure that I will be in the running. And that goes as it lays.' + +"That was no nice language for a lady, but it put the brakes on Wilbur's +osculatory aspirations so quick that he stopped with a jolt. He canceled +the date and we went up into the box and stood in the receiving line for +wine agents. + +"Wilbur knew that he had to stand hitched or I wouldn't let him go to +the Twenty-three Club dinner tonight. He has been training for the event +for the last two weeks, and he says that he will be able to outdistance +the bunch before 4 a.m., and you know that's going some. + +"It's a pity they wouldn't let us women in on their feed deals. They go +out and fill up on beefsteak while we have to stick around and drown our +sorrows in a cheese sandwich. And goodness knows that while they are +nourishing they don't give you any new ideas. + +"I only hope our show is a success, for if Wilbur and I get married +every penny will help, and I don't want to lance my personal fresh air +fund for anything more than a bridal veil. Wilbur and I are just like +two doves, but I am taking no chances, for press agents are fickle +people. + +"With all due regard to Wilbur's feelings I must say that the agent of +our company is a dog. He had the nerve to come up to us girls and want +us to beat it up and down Broadway with signs boosting the show on our +backs. A doll would stand a swell chance in Jack's with a big sign +reading, 'Go see 'The Abused Cruller' at the Folly' on her vertebrae, +now wouldn't she? + +"Can you see me as the walking three-sheet? I make exhibition enough of +myself on the stage without prancing up and down with one of those +things tied to my Fluffy Ruffles. + +"I just had an awful time in Washington. One of the girls that dresses +in the same room with me came in with one of those crying buns on and +shed so many weeps in my makeup box that I had to put it on with an +atomizer. + +"I did all a human being could do to bring her to--rubbed her hands and +slapped her face; but even then she was in no fit condition to appear. +Go on she would, in spite of my prayers, and what does she do when she +comes tripping on, blithe and gay as a school girl, but stumble and do a +slide on her profile half way across the O.P. side, just as the tenor +was starting the chorus to his song, 'Bevey in Little Children.' He +being a nervous party springs a blue note that got the musical director +hysterical and he forgot to give the bass drum man his cue and the whole +thing went to blazes. + +"It was lucky that the stage manager was making a date on the dressing +room stairs, or what she would have got would have been a-plenty. + +"You know Laura O'Toole who was married a few weeks ago? Well, she is +again a widow. Her husband got a job with a road show. She was thinking +of wearing mourning, but her husband staked her to the price of a new +spring suit and she said that conventionalities could go hang, as she +had a shape and was going to show it. I don't blame her. Why let grief +put it on style? + +"Gee, it won't be long before summer, and then we will get our salaries +reduced. That's the trouble with the people I work for. Every time they +get a success here in town they start to reduce salaries. If the company +would stand for it we would be owing them money every week before the +end of the season. They think a girl hasn't nothing to do but ride +around in an automobile and look sweet. + +"Well, me to get on the war paint. Say, have you offered your services +for the Friar Festival yet? Well, you had better get on the job if you +want to consider yourself classy. So long! Oh, you know the ushers will +hand flowers over the footlights if you just tell him who they are for. +Bye-bye." + + + + + The show opens on Broadway and Sabrina shows surprise at the + number of harsh words in the English language. She discloses the + methods of the Lease Breakers Association and mentions the + events that transpired at a little informal gathering. + + + +CHAPTER FOURTEEN + + +"My, did you see what the critics said about our show?" exclaimed +Sabrina, Show Girl, as her maid opened the door. "Wasn't it awful? I +didn't know there were so many mean words in the book. And the nerve of +them to pan me after meeting several of them socially. One of them said +that I looked so good standing up that it was a crime to have me sit +down, but when I spoke for goodness sake get the muffler. The mut! I +should go down and horsewhip him. But no, that's what us people that +figure in public are bound to get. They never say a good word until +after the minister says, 'Dust thou art to dust returneth,' and then +some cluck is liable to come along and dig up a bunch of letters. + +"I am thinking seriously of taking a flat until summer. I don't like +this hotel, one has to keep so many conventionalities. Why, the other +day my 'phone was out of order and I ran down to the desk in my kimona +to telephone and the clerk had the nerve to call me for it. Can you +surpass that? I told him to open his ears and let his head cool off. + +"I was looking at a nice flat the other day, but they want me to sign a +lease. What do I know about a lease? There ain't no half salary clause +in it. If I did sign the lease and want to beat it all I would do would +be to call in the Lease Breakers' Association and I could leave the next +day. That mob responds to a call like the crowd in the Cadillac when +some one says, I'll buy,' and you can take it from me that's going some. + +"Sure, haven't you heard of the Lease Breakers' Association? They +guarantee to break any lease in less than a week. It is composed of a +mob of select ladies and gentlemen who can make the most noise. A person +wishing to leave their abode and handicapped with a lease has but to +blow the whistle for this gang and furnish plenty of refreshments and +there is nothing to it. I attended one the other evening and we all had +the one grand time. + +"A friend of mine has ceased being married and naturally has no more use +for a whole flat, so she approached the cruel landlord and asked for a +release. Did she get it? Not. He told her that she would have to stick +or stand the consequences. Does she tear out a bunch of hair and rave +all over the room? Not her. She gets the members of the Lease Breakers +on the 'phone and that night they hold the big celebration and the next +morning four tenants kicked to the landlord. The morning after that the +whole building kicked in a body and the janitor had to repair two +ceilings. Then the guv asked her to move and she refused until he gave +up her month's rent. She was foolish like one of those birds they call a +fox. I guess, yes. These landlords have to go some if they want to get +ahead of the simple Bohemians. What they want rent for beats me. They +own the houses and that ought to satisfy them. + +"If I do get this flat, take it from me, we will pull off the grand one +time. I intend to hold a reception every evening after the show until I +get a request to move. + +"Say, here's the big jest in our set. You know, Olga Jones and her +husband don't get along very well together. Their temperaments don't +jibe. + +"Well, her soul mate and she had given hubby the slip and were down in +my apartments putting on the finishing touches to the big eats. Soul +Mate was telling the story of his life to Olga when in kicks the dame +that Soul Mate had formerly been in love with. + +"They are both wise people and neither tip their mit, though Soul Mate +grew restless with his feet. This was about 4 a.m. and the mere shank of +the evening, as it were. When all of a sudden, Bing! Bing! on the door +and in waltzed Olga's handicap, who had been out and soaked up a souse, +and not finding little wifey when he returned to the hut, he starts out +on a still hunt and ropes in my shack. + +"Hubby comes in carrying weight for grouch and pipes party of +five--Blonde Party, Olga, Soul Mate, Wilbur and me. Calls down wifey for +not coming home. Business of language. I kick in and tells him to have a +drink. Nothing to it. Oil on the troubled waters looked like an also +ran. + +"Hubby was perfectly content and after a drink or two he beat it, +telling wifey to hurry home. Fine. Blonde Party finds she is fifth wheel +and also ducks. Then Olga lands on Soul Mate. 'Who is this peroxide +party?' + +"'Only an old passing fancy,' chirrups Soul Mate. + +"Olga tears her hair and bites out a bunch of hectic language about +having the only man she ever loved being false, and how life is naught +but a hollow bubble and all that kind of rot. Wilbur having sporting +blood was for kidding them on and seeing if they would mix it, but me +desiring peace and quiet told what I didn't know about the affair and +squared things. Business of embracing. + +"Did you pipe the sassy half-sheets Mr. McManus got out for the Friar +Festival? Ain't they just too pretty for words? Do you know who that guy +reading the Friar song down in the corner is? Don't breathe a word and +I'll tell you. It's Phil Mindel. Honest it is. George sketched it from +life one night over at the Booze Arts. + +"Us chorus girls were talking of marching to Albany in a body with drums +beating and flags flying and demanding that the anti-betting bill be +ditched. It is something fierce the way these reformers are trying to +put the bee on our pleasures. + +"I just dote on horse races. Why, I can go to the track and sit in the +cafe for hours. I wonder what these guys think we are going to do with +our spare time this summer? Sit at home and make sofa pillows? Why, +there is no greater sport in the world than riding out to Sheepshead or +Jamaica in an auto and then borrowing money from your escort to bet on +the patty-pats. It's a great system. If you lose the John gets nothing, +and if you win you take everything, so it is fair for all parties. + +"If they want to do something truly noble they should put those moving +picture shows out of business. Pretty soon when they want the chorus to +show up they will let down a sheet, throw on the picture and turn loose, +'Welcome, your highness, welcome' on the phonograph. I ain't mentioning +any names, but there is a bunch of these parties that belong on a moving +picture. + +"What do you know about the circus? Ain't it all to the pickles? Me +there the other matinee in a real box, courtesy of the management. Did +you get your attention called to the two Janes that did the ride in the +hurdics down the hill? Some class to that act. Imagine looping the loop +in the air! Not for Sabrina, the pride of the chorus. As long as I can +make my living on my shape you don't catch me trying to damage it +soaring around in the atmosphere. Not for five dollars more a week, as +bad as I need the money. + +"I went to see Wells Hawks and the elephants. Both of them are permanent +fixtures, though they do say that he is kept busy looking after the +animals at both the Hip. and the circus. And the clowns! May I be struck +dead if I didn't just rear back and howl my head off at those crazy +clucks. + +"Alla McSweeney certainly is a sneeze. She has no idea of the fitness of +things. I was telling her just the other day. I said, 'Alla, you +certainly are no piker. You'll go out and mace a good fellow for a big +feed just as if he was a John. Now, that ain't right. When you are out +with a James go to it and eat your head off. But when you are out with +some one in the business or a newspaper man be circumscribe. Though you +may want to wade through the whole dope sheet hitch your desire and +order what you think he can afford, and lay back until you get a live +one.' + +"What? Sure we do. If a Jane goes out with a John that has nothing but. +Nothing's too good for her and walking is hard on the feet. The more +money the wop spends the bigger sport he thinks he is, but a fellow +professional has honorable intentions, sometimes, and it is considered +wise not to show what you are accustomed to until after he has bought +the ring or written some letters. I may go out with some fellow and +order everything from soup to nuts just to show him that I can, but the +way I won Wilbur's heart was by ordering a cheese sandwich the first +time he invited me out. + +"My goodness! How I run on, and here it is getting late. Well, I must +toddle along and see how the Friar Festival is. I have a personal +interest in that. So long. Say, the next time you expect to get lanced +for the big feed tell her you were once in the business and it will save +you money. Ta, ta." + + + + + In which Sabrina has a row with the stage-manager, leaves the + show, frivols in the vineyard, denounces the male sex as being + all alike, threatens, to take the veil, but finally falls upon + the neck of her betrothed and all is forgotten. + + + +CHAPTER FIFTEEN + + +We came upon Sabrina seated alone at a table in the rear of a cafe; her +hat was tilted rakishly over one ear, a couple of strands of hair were +hanging down over her forehead, a bright spot glowed on each cheek and +her eyes had a dim, moist appearance. The table was covered with glasses +and bottles and the chairs looked as if they had been hastily shoved +back. + +As we approached her she waved her hand joyfully and exclaimed, 'Welcome +bri' Springtime. Wel-come to our country village. You--you behold in me +the only living survivor of the wreck of the Hesperus. Parade ri' up, +and give the waiter your hat, coat and vest and bevy in. Though I have +just given nineteen dollars' worth of hair puffs away as +sou-sou-ven--you say it, I feel like a new born child. Once again I am +care fre' and heart fre'. Tra la la la le. I have just decorated Wilbur +with the sacred order of the bee and I--hurray! hurray!--am no longer a +near-bride. Take it fr'm muh I feel so happy I don' care if I get spots +all over the fron' of my waist. I feel like a lark. Yes shur, a +bottled-in-bond lark. Whatever that ish. An' I still got the engagemen' +ring at that. + +"Waiter! Waiter! Garsong! Thish gentleman has a few words to shay to +you, an' don' take no for an answer. Oh, yes, you arch your eyebrows in +sus-sus-picioning and shay that I have been two-stepping around the +juniper bowl and I will answer, 'Right O!' Just like that. + +"I make it a rule to cel'brate all suspicious occasions by revelry and +goo' cheer. Oh, won' I have a head in the morning! But now. + +"Behold I appear as Columbine! I toil not neither do I spin. Listen, my +dear. The last two days have been fraught--whatever that is--with +incidences that would bring gray hairs to the head of much stronger +women than I. + +"It came off last night. I was out to supper with a couple of +gentlemen--Wilbur and an-another gent. We were so busy talking things +over that I didn't get to the theater until the middle of the first act. +My, I never saw a man so peevish as that stage manager. I had no more +than exchanged the courtesies of the day with the stage doorkeeper and +asked after his sick child than that mut-faced sneeze that calls himself +a stage manager had the nerve to rush up an fine me five dollars. Wha'da +you think of that? + +"I told him that I positively refused to appear the rest of the evening. +Then he told me that I was fired? What do you know about that? I said, +calm and dignified, like the perfec' lady I am, 'All ri', you can do as +you please with your old show, I don't care, I don't care, nothing +bothers me,' and with those kind words I caper up to the dressing room +and take that expensive gown I wear in the third act and stuck it in the +wash bowl and turned on the water. It needed cleaning anyway. Then I put +a few things that oughta belong to me in my makeup box and beat it. + +"I had to kiss everybody in the company goo' bye and that made the stage +wait and the manager came chasing around without any goat and tol' me +never to darken his door again. That's all ri' with muh. His blooming +door was dark enough anyway. Then I waltz back to where Wilbur and the +gentleman are and break the news. Wilbur gets sore, for since I +commenced wearing those pink tights he doped out a great dramatic career +for me. And naturally he was vexed. For he saw no show of being able to +lay off work. + +"Wilbur started to chide me. I was in too gra' a nervousness state to be +chid' an' I tol' him sho. Did he have compassion and pity on muh in my +vis-vis-situdes? No! Abso-o-o-lutely no! I says all ri' old top, if you +look at it that way I guess I can bear up through the heat of the day +without your assistance, an' if it's just the same to you I will toddle +ri' along and peddle my matches. + +"Wilbur pricks up his ears at those few words and tries to copper his +remarks, but not for a minute could I see through the fog. + +"I just gather up my skirt and sweep majestically out of the room, jump +into taxicab and proceed to hunt pleasure and relaxation. What do you +know about that? + +"Ah! here is the little waiter with his shining morning face. Get me +another one of the same and keep your eagle eye on these gentlemen's +mugs and see that they do not get dry. Say, take it from me, if I felt +any better I'd break out in a rash. I abso-o-o-o-lutely have no regard +for the future. I don' care whether school keeps or not, and Curfew can +ring her young head off for all I care. I am going to make old Omar feel +like a temperance lecturer before I get through this celebration. I am +willing to drink everything but 'Merry Widow' cocktails, for they make +you want to steal your own clothes. + +"I was expecting to enjoy a box at Ted Marks' big pow-wow at the New +York this afternoon, but I fear me at about that time the only thing I +will be in condition to attend will be the usual hang-over party in the +Metropole. + +"Mr. Marks is sure the one clever party. He's going to organize a club +called 'The Human Nightkeys.' Any one that goes to bed before daylight +is barred. Lee Harrison offered his services as sergeant-of-arms to see +that the rule is observed. + +"Now that Summer is coming on this sleep question is getting shoved off +in a dark corner by itself. It always was a waste of time. + +"I don't care a whoop for the best man that breathes and now that I have +slipped Wilbur the go'-by I shall never fall in love with one of his sex +again. Tell muh, do I look all ri'. I haven't detailed the rest of this +adventure, have I? Well, I left Wilbur and met a nice quiet party that +was singing 'We're Afraid to Go Home in the Dark' over in Jack's and I +at once began to mingle. They were all good fellows, so I nearly gave +them heart trouble by ordering wine for the crowd. + +"I will not endeavor to chronicle the amount of lush I tucked away. I +will only state that if I had not been a good friend to the bell hops I +never would have gotten upstairs. + +"Estelle, that's muh maid, was sitting up with her face to the pane +waiting for me to come home, and just to show her how grateful I was I +gave her all of Wilbur's pictures and all the change I had in my +stocking. Waiter, you are forgetting your duties in part. + +"I finally got to bed and then I pulled off the big cry. Booze, you +understand, and not because I lost that hot-air shooting, lush-working, +expense-account-grubbing wah of a Wilbur. I should say not. Don't think +that I wear pink tights and can't get the best man that ever breathed. + +"I am not a bit like that Glonesganes creature. Why, she actually throws +herself at the head of every man she meets. Honest, you can't take her +out to supper in a crowd before she's engaged to some two or three in +the party. Fact. Ask any of the girls. We all swore to tell the same +story about her. + +"Am I going back on the stage. Well, I should hope so, dear. What do you +think I would do with myself if I didn't have to beat it to the shop at +least once a day. I tried it once when I first got my fortune, but life +became so monotonous and I got so fat that I had to start rehearsing in +order to get back to my former self. + +"Say, I think the last dipperful made me feel better. Waiter, come out +of your trance. Gee, but I do feel great. + +"Won't you all have a little something to eat. A steak smothered in +pickles or something like that. Go as far as you like. You know I ain't +that kind of a girl. When I'm treating there's no entries scratched. Go +ahead do as you please. I ain't going to get married, so I don't have to +save my money. + +"You just watch Wilbur hedge. I got spies out and they say he's been in +every cafe in town looking for me. Wants to make up. Watch little birdie +here. If he comes monkeying around me again I'll pick up one of these +and knock him clean out from under his hat. Trifler. How I ever fell for +him certainly gets me. How anybody could love a press agent or an actor +gets me for that matter. I have been crossed in love and am running no +more chances. + +"I shall never get married. Never! That statement is for publication. I +shall live in peace and quiet near some good cafe and drown my old age +in mixed drinks. + +"You needn't think I am soused, but I am going to tell you this. Unless +Wilbur and I make up the Friar Festival will have to get along without +my services. Why, I got every John in town so bunked that every time +they see me coming they take it on the run for some place that I can't +get to 'em, 'cause I lance 'em for a pair of seats every time our trails +cross. + +"I lost eight dinner engagements last week just on that account and what +do I get for it? Ice water. That's all. + +"Wilbur rushes up and demands more seats and the committee thinks he is +having an awful rush of business and its muh with my shoulder to the +wheel. I had a run in with Wilbur already about the Friar Girl that +Harrison Fisher drew on the front of the programme. Wilbur told me that +I could have the job and I finds out that he told everybody in the +company the same thing. Press agents is crafty people. And he can play +both ends against the middle in a manner that would make your hair curl. + +"I don't care! I don't care! Wilbur can run and make faces at himself. +Nothing bothers muh. Waiter, are you asleep at the switch? I am no +longer a fiancee. I am a free woman. + +"Say, what'yer going to do 'morrow? Let's get one of these taxicab +things and see if we can't run it to death. + +"I never found the limit yet on one of those gasmeter attachments, an' I +am the inquisitive soul. Line out to Claremont or some of those foolish +places. Sure, we'll start early, about noon, and enjoy the beautiful +Spring-air and highballs. Are you on? Sure I'll be there with my hair in +a braid. I am the Rural Kid these days and a stunt like that suits me +from the ground up. + +"Who is that coming in the door? Why, its Wilbur! He sees me! Do I look +all ri'? Here, Wilbur, here. Sit down and have a drink, dear, I have +been looking for you everywhere. Forget that deal last night. So long +fellows. Waiter give me the check; I don't care what becomes of my money +now." + + + + + Sabrina gives an automobile party to several of her friends so + that they may enjoy the country air, but after investigating the + atmosphere carefully the opinion of the entire party is that the + only healthful ozone is that that comes out of a champagne + bottle. + + + +CHAPTER SIXTEEN + + +"Where you all going?" demanded a voice, and looking around we +discovered Sabrina, the Show Girl, and two of her girl friends seated in +a big red automobile that was drawn up to the curb. "Come on, jump in," +she continued. "We are out to commune with nature for a few minutes and +you might just as well be a commuter as the rest of us. Ain't this the +one grand weather? + +"No, you sit back here. We will make Wilbur sit up in front so that we +can see he don't grub the eats. He's inside lancing the management for a +group of free lunch and a package of liquid refreshments. Here he comes +now. Bless his young heart he's got his arms full. Ain't it grand to be +loved by such a man? + +"No, Wilbur, you get up in the hurricane deck and we all will sit in the +caboose. Have we got everything? Alla, did you forget the hot-water bag +full of cracked ice for the champagne? Now, let's see where shall we go +first to get the most nature? We can stop at the Cadillac, the Circle, +the Casino in the Park and then make a quick jump to Claremont. + +"In that way we can get some of the delightful Spring air and not be far +from a head waiter at any time. Thats right, Sadie, you big gump, put +your feet on the crackers. Those were bought to eat and not to be used +as a door mat. Still, if you must wipe your feet we can print 'Welcome' +on one of the crackers and you can clean your Dorothy Dodds till you are +black in the face. + +"Is everything ready? Do I look all right? Wilbur, give the motorman two +bells. Look out, there! There goes Er Lawshe with a plaster cast of +Genee under his arm. Do you want to make him drop it and break his +heart? + +"Sadie, it is not necessary to give the furtive glance to every +gentleman who admires the machine. Go ahead and see if you can't scrape +the paint off the cop. Alla, my dear, you know it isn't necessary to +start eating now, you'll get yours, and besides several of the places we +will stop at have free lunches, so you can have all that you are +accustomed to without making inroads on the provision supply at this +stage of the game. + +"What 'a we got in the larder? Fifteen bottles and 10 cents' worth of +crackers. My! it seems to me you are squandering an awful lot of money +on food. Of course, if we get shipwrecked or something they may come in +handy, but at present writing they are excess baggage. + +"Whoa, chauffeur! Don't you see that bock beer sign? Whenever you see +one of those turn the corner and stop at the family entrance. Hitch the +machine and we will all soon see what mine host has in the way of +nourishment. Sadie, it is not necessary to show such unseeming haste, as +it is now but early noon and the place does not close until after +midnight. + +"This is a low-browed dump, but any port in a storm, as the poets say. +As I am directing this Cook's tour we will have but one drink here. + +"Wilbur, how do you know that the bar-keeps name is George? Have you +been false to me and been here with another? Bartenders are called +George just like Chinamen are called John? What are you trying to bale +out to me? Do you think I am a boob? + +"Now, Alla, go to it and quench your thirst, for it may be several +blocks before we stop again. My, ain't this warm weather glorious! It +makes one so thirsty. Come, people, let's get back in the herdic, for we +have a long journey ahead of us. + +"There you go again, Sadie. Stepping all over the crackers. Before we +get through we will have to take them in capsules. Look out for that +car! Gee, those cars are bad enough without being mashed up more by some +sneeze wagon. Certainly we'll go through the Fifth avenue entrance to +the park. I may be some things, but I am no piker, and, besides, we got +as much license as anybody. I remember when I used to go horseback +riding through here every morning and I always had my groom in a +beautiful red livery following me. I had the most beautiful black horse +and an elegant riding habit. Why, there wasn't a day but what I was +invited out to lunch. Sadie, that was very uncalled for. I am in no +trance. You, of course, not being accustomed to those things, naturally +look upon those people who were brought up on such stuff as balloon +juice merchants. Maybe that will make you stand hitched. + +"Look at that hearse go by us. Driver, if you are any good you will make +that outfit look as if they were bound to the bannister. + +"That's right, give them a touch of high life. Zow-e, if we are going +less than a mile a minute I hope I have to walk home. Cheese, there's a +bike cop. Can you loose him? Beat it. Good-by, Bobby. Look out, there's +another one in front. Slow up, for goodness sake, or we will be pinched. +What is it, sergeant? Oh, no, sir. Not more than six miles an hour, I am +sure. + +"This machine has got a dudedad on it that prevents it from going more +than ten. Won't you have a little drink, officer? Just smile on the gent +in the front seat; he's right there with the distillery. Wilbur, chase +the roof off a jug of suds for the Lieutenant. I tell you, Captain, on +my honor as a lady, we are not going more that six miles an hour. Must +take us to the station! Why, you low-down, monkey-faced excuse for a +sparrow cop, would you have the crust to stand up in front of a judge +and tell him that we were going faster than ten miles an hour? If you +want to get us to the station it's a cinch you will have to push the +machine. Walk! Not so you could notice it. The only way you can get me +there is to drag me by the hair of my head, and if you dare lay your +mitts on my new marcel wave I will report you to your Commissioner, and +if a certain friend of mine don't stand strong enough with him to have +you broke, I'll eat my ostrich plume! + +"Will let us go if we promise not to do it again? Why, certainly we +won't, Sergeant. Thank you, Lieutenant. Here's a little something for +the Relief Fund. Good-by, Captain. Wilbur give the driver two bells. The +nerve of that guy thinking he could pinch me. I'll have you know that I +am only nicked by the best cops on Broadway, and not by any high-grass +constable. Hand 'em salve, pardy, hand 'em salve. A soft answer turneth +away wrath. If that don't turn the trick use a brick. + +"Oh, gee, there it is. Go around and come up the other side so we can be +seen from all the tables. + +"Let's take this table. Waiter, get on the job, as these gentlemen and +ladies wish to address a few remarks to you. Oh, there's Grace +McSweeney. Pipe the hat she is sporting. Bum taste, it strikes me. Who +is that slob with her? Oh, hello, dear! I was just speaking of your new +hat to Sadie. We both admired it so. + +"We were wondering how you could wear it coming up on the Subway. I've +found that the wind blows them all to pieces in my car. Who's the wop? +From Pittsburg? Oh, is that so? He reminds me so much of a very dear +friend of mine that was sent up for life. No, I suppose it's not the +same party, though they are as alike as two peas. No, I don't care to +meet him. You know one in my position cannot afford to associate with +every Tom, Dick and Harry. Must you toddle? Good-by, dear. + +"Cat! Did you get wise to the way I slipped her the sassy roast? Well, +here's down the Irish channel. Varlet, fill up the flagons again. I just +love to sit here and look out at Nature and the railroad tracks and the +brick scows. + +"Where do we go from here? You made me think I was back in the business. +Oh, I don't care. Yonkers, over in Westchester County, or we can take +the ferry for Jersey if you want to go out in the wilderness. It makes +not an iota of difference to muh. Just as long as the chauffeur stays +sober. Shall we hike? Lets slip up the drive for a ways. Sadie, are you +ever going to have sense enough to keep your hoofs off those crackers? +Honest, I don't believe your think tank is feeding properly. Why don't +you blow in it and clear it out? + +"Sure, I'll caper out to Yonkers if the rest of the crowd want to. I am +just that kind of a fellow. Ain't I, Wilbur, dear? Oh, my, don't for +mercy sakes disturb him. He's hunting locations for the Friar +three-sheets that Mr. Gillen slipped 'em. He's got Mr. McManus' art +studies planted now so that the burg looks like a Kansas town the day +after the number two car of the circus leaves. + +"Did you know that they are enlarging the secret tunnel in the new +Friary so that Toxen Worm can get his getaway if the occasion should +arise? Honest, it looks like the front view of the Hoboken tunnel. Oh, +law me, what is that in the offening? Eureka! It's another cafe, or do +muh eyes deceive me? I am athirst, let us rest our weary beast and +partake of a flagon of nut brown ale. Say, I guess I would be bad in +this Shakespeare thing. Alight, fair maids, and nominate your idea +provokers. + +"Waiter, follow those people's directions and do not let the mice build +nests under your feet. Sink this and we will then continue our journey. + +"Now, Sadie, as a friend I ask you don't do a ballet on them crackers. +Run over the mutt. What care we for life. Gee, the canine is right there +as the artful dodger. Ah! what? Bing! What was that? A puncture! My! For +goodness sake, how long will we be bogged down. Oh, we can wait that +long, can't we, dears? Pipe the yokel. Shall I hand him a game of +chatter? No? Oh, very well. + +"Let's have a picnic. Wilbur, get on the job and skid out the liquids. +Alla, you may bring out what is left of the crackers. If that woman +hasn't paraded over them biscuits until there isn't a piece there big +enough to make a nice comfortable mouthful for a young flea. + +"Throw 'em away, we don't want to overload our stomachs anyhow. Can you +surpass that for a man. Here we've come all these weary miles carefully +nursing these bottles to our bosoms and then that excuse there has the +crust to speak up and say, 'I forgot the corkscrew.' Can you beat it? +Wilbur, you just get on the job and pull them out with your teeth. Get +away, you big standup and fall down, I'll show you how to get them out. +What do you think us fair sex wear hat pins for, hey, shover? Want some +of this jig juice for your tire? Right-o! Ain't I the English scamp? Got +her fixed all right? Climb in, folks, and we will journey homeward, for +I am beginning to feel thirsty and you certainly don't get the same +treatment here that you do in town. Sadie, now that the crackers are +gone I wish you would please remember that that is my foot. Say, you can +never learn some of these dolls nothing. Nothing personal, my dear, +though your hair is light. + +"Don't you dish me out any hectic language, for I am a lady. I might +forget myself and smear one all over you. Wilbur, are you going to sit +up there and see your near-bride insulted by a woman? If you don't come +back here and make her stop abusing me I'll take and bump your two +hearts together. Now that goes if you hear it and I am speaking in no +whisper. + +"Can that fight talk even if this is a pleasure party. My, how time does +fly! We are nearly home now. Let's all go down the street and see what's +doing. Must you leave us? Don't rush away in the heat of the forenoon. +So long. My, I am glad that man's out of the machine!" + + + + + Sabrina, in spite of the anti-betting law, goes to the race + track and returns with money. She also drops a few remarks + concerning gentlemen who claim their scarf-pins have been + purloined by ladies. + + + +CHAPTER SEVENTEEN + + +"Them Senators that put the kibosh on that racetrack bill can consider +themselves as personal friends of every chorus Fluff that ever scanned a +dope sheet," remarked Sabrina, the Show Girl, as she alighted from a new +big automobile. "Pipe the ferry-boat. It's all mine; name on every +piece. And I am personally thankful to those gents that I am the proud +possessor of the same. + +"Did I catch? Well, I should hope so, dear. I landed this buzz wagon out +of a ten dollar pike bet. Can you surpass it? Talk about playing in +luck. Wait until I touch wood. Wilbur says betting on the races beats +trifling with the affections of an expense account all to pieces. + +"You know that, though I lead a simple and uneventful existence, the +inheritance that was left me was pretty near all in, and it was either +up to me to get married, get a job on one of the roofs or catch a live +one, and I thought the best of all the evils was to catch the +aforementioned live one. I am not one of these Janes that goes dotty +over the pit-i-pats, and though I always sit up until The Morning +Telegraph comes out on the street, the racing news is not the first +thing I turn to. + +"Wilbur's show closes in a couple of weeks and he is going to the island +for the summer. Can that old stuff. I mean Coney, not Blackwell's. I +been piking around for a hunch for some time, and just the other evening +I was out with a party who is interested in the bet placing business at +all of the big tracks, and he said he was hep to a few killings, and any +time I would come out he would give them to me and I could play the +other books. + +"Knowing that he had influence, I naturally took an interest in him, +but, say, this is a long, sad story and--. Ah, certainly! I knew you +could not suppress your Southern hospitality much longer--that is, I +hoped you couldn't. Yes, waiter; bring me a long one. + +"Well, I took a peep at my check-book about a week ago and decided that +it was me for the track. I meets this wop and he certainly lands me in +right. He gives me a twenty case note and the card. I got the twenty +changed and plants ten of it in the Lisle Thread Bank, making up my mind +that no matter what happened the day would not be ill-spent. + +"I plays his tip at 8 to 1 on the first race and ketches. Out of that +ninety I plant forty. Still following the kind gentleman's advice I +pikes the fifty on a dog in the second race and he never does come in. + +"Can you beat that? This betting person picks the whole card but this +one race. I lose my fifty and was thinking seriously of going home when +I got a yen to try it again, so I dug up a twenty out of the hose. +Honest, it nearly broke my heart to separate myself from that roll, but +I just had to do it. I get twenty to one, go into hysterics at the +quarter, faint at the half, but come to in time to see my money coming +in so far ahead it looked as if he was out for a pleasure trip. Can you +see me with that 400 in my mit? Talk about throwing fits. Why, I had the +Leamy Ladies looking like children romping on the nursery floor. + +"There was nothing to it. I had a hunch to grab the bundle and beat it +for home and crawl under the bed. And then I had another hunch that told +me to stick for the big show. I plant one century in my war bag and get +seven to two on the next with the other three. I win. + +"Then I do want to go home. I felt ill. + +"But just then a gentleman introduced himself to me and we went and had +a little drink. That made me feel better, and so I ditched the purveyor +of refreshments and fled to the clubhouse. There is nothing more to tell +except that I couldn't lose and I came home in an automobile with my +clothes so full of this evergreen stuff that I looked as if I had +spavins or something else. + +"I made $6,000 on the day, which is not so bad for a poor fluff like me. +That night the gentleman who gave me the tips called me up and wanted +his original twenty back, saying the public got all his roll. Can you +beat that? I told him I thought he was a moonstone sport, and to never +darken my door again. + +"He needed money bad, and through a friend I let him have a couple of +thou on this machine. Ain't I the business woman? + +"Wilbur and I have just been riding ourselves to death ever since. He +has been acting awful lately. Ever since he heard that Friar Weber and +Friar Field were going to appear together at the festival he has been +soused. It was all I could do to restrain him from kissing Phil Mindel +in the Cadillac the other evening. He just don't care what he does. + +"Have you bought your tickets? Let me see. I have six choice ones here +in the seventh row. You'll want to bring your family, of course, 'cause +it will be the chance of a lifetime. Nothing like it seen before under +one canvas. For stellar attractions it's going to have Barnum & Bailey's +looking like a Sunday school entertainment. Yes, sir, and I personally +will be there like the Trinity chimes. + +"Alla McSweeney has gone and blown herself for one of these racecourse +hats. You know these big things that have a half-mile track around the +outside. While I do not wish to injure the poor dear, still I will say +that she certainly looks one of these long-handled Jap umbrellas. You +know she is such a skinny thing! Honest, this new hip style they are +boosting this season just saved her life. She was getting saddle galls +from carrying so many naturals. I wouldn't say this unless I absolutely +knew, and of course I have seen her early in the morning when you +haven't. + +"There are little confidences us girls exchange in the privacy of our +boudoirs that would never do for the ear of a man. She tried to get a +job as one of those six-foot girls in 'The Love Waltz,' but the manager +told her she had better go with a circus. She naturally queried 'Why?' +And he, the rude thing, told her she could get a job as a quarter-pole. +That's why she could never get a job with the Held show. She was all +right in low neck, but when it came to tights! Well, you know bowlegs +never did appeal to the front row. + +"Mind you, I wouldn't say a thing that would hurt her character the +least bit, but you should have seen the way she carried on when she was +out in Chicago. You know that anyone who runs around with those La Salle +street spendthrifts loses class, anyway, and she just tore around that +North Side something scandalous, and till my dying day I never will +forget the scene she and the comedian's wife had on the platform in that +dear Peoria. + +"Alla, bless her heart, she is a good soul, is a flighty creature and +she accepted the attentions of the comedian which his wife was not +supposed to be jerry to. But one day some gabby girl put wifey next. We +were all down to the station waiting for the train to come in when up +romps wifey to this doll, who is making the big talk with a chorus +man--just shows you what extent she will go for company--she was talking +to this chorus man and wifey capers up to her and says: 'You been +flirting with my husband, haven't you?' And hauling off wifey hangs one +on Alla's map that is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. Bing goes +Alla to the platform down and out. She was in such a trance that we had +to rub her hands and borrow a drink from the press agent, who came back +with the show to see if he couldn't get his salary, before she would +come to. Pale, why that girl was so white that her number eighteen +looked like big gobs of red paint on each cheek. + +"I never saw a girl so surprised in my life. For the nonce she was +nonplussed. She didn't know what to make of it. When she did you should +have heard the language she used. It is not for me to tell it in a +respectable crowd, for I only use it to Estelle, that's my maid, when +she pulls my hair, but it was certainly not fit for publication in a +family newspaper. + +"She's continually getting into trouble. If it ain't one thing it's +another. It's a wonder to me she hasn't been pinched oftener than she +has. + +"I never will forget one time she was out riding with a handsome +gentleman from Pittsburg in a cab and while leaning on his shoulder his +diamond scarfpin got caught in her teeth. She being a bashful young +thing--then. Well, when she takes her head off his shoulder the pin +naturally comes along, too, and then she got afraid that he would think +she was trying to nick it so she stuck the pin in her hat band, +intending to restore it on the way home. But in the next cafe they +stopped in she picked a fight and left him in a huff. Would you believe +it, that guy had the nerve to come around the next day and declare that +she had pinched the bauble and threaten to land her in the booby hatch +if she didn't come across. + +"And they call that chivalry! + +"No true gentleman would ever threaten to have a lady sent up. + +"Did he get his pin? Well, I should say not. She threw such a strong +bluff about suing him for defamation of character that he came across +with two hundred cold to keep her quiet. But don't breathe this to a +soul unless they promise not to tell. I wouldn't have it get out that I +ever said anything about her for worlds, for, though we are the best of +friends, I am leaving her no opening to hand me one. + +"Don't think for a minute that I have a past I am afraid to bring before +me. My fair young life has been as quiet and uneventful as an old mill +stream. Fact. You see, still water runs deep and the race is not always +to the swift. And goodness knows I would have no one say that about me. +I'm a Bohemian, whatever that is. Lots of dames I know have pasts. Why, +every time you mention Sid Eusons to Laura she nearly coughs up a spasm +and to even breathe medicine show to a certain leading man I know he +will immediately cut you off his calling list. + +"The benefit business is not as prosperous this year as it has been +heretofore. I know several parties that have actually lost money on +them. + +"Now that Lent is over I am going to have a good time. I always observe +Lent some way. This year I swore off refusing drinks or suppers. Wilbur +and I expect to be made one as soon as he locates his next season's job. +He's got one in sight that looks pretty good. + +"A certain party has signed for it, but Wilbur gets it if this party +drops dead, so now Wilbur is following him around telling him that he +looks poorly. We ought to be very happy when we get married, for Wilbur +will be out ahead of a show all season and I will be here in New York. +What more would a happy bridal couple desire? + +"Well, I must toddle along, as the hour is late and my automobile is +getting impatient. + +"Be good, and don't forget that you promised on your word and honor to +take six tickets for the Friar Festival from me. Say, party, if you need +any change give me the office and I will slip it to you." + + + + + Sabrina makes a few remarks concerning a pink-whiskered bark who + is trying to convert the merry-merry and questions the propriety + of going on an extended yachting cruise with a grass widow for a + chaperone. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHTEEN + + +"Say" remarked Sabrina, as we reached her table the other evening. "Did +you hear the gladsome tidings? Some purple-whiskered bark is going to +caper in this country from dear old Lunnon and deal out religion to the +Fluffs of the merry merry. Can you surpass it? + +"He is going to slip it to us in our tea. Like knockout drops, I guess. +Gee, can you see him distributing tracts to that mob. It's a cinch that +they will make good curl papers, anyway. + +"The only way to convert most of these dames is to wait until the +morning after a birthday party and work the remorse gag before they have +a chance to get a bracer for their hangover. + +"Can you see him taking a bunch of them out on a picnic like he did in +England. Claremont or Far Rockaway for theirs, and if he didn't come +across with the big feed with the necessary liquid trimmings it would be +the tar and feathers for his. I have had several wine agents try to +convert me, but I always stick to the same brand. Let him come over and +we will show him a time that will make old Pap Dowie's reception look +like a twinkle. + +"At that, us chorus dames ain't so worse. Of course there are a bunch of +shines in the aggregation, but I guess if you kept tab you would find +out that about nine-tenths of them slide for home as soon as they get +the cosmetic off their eyelashes. It's the other tenth that try to be +the human night keys that crab the act for the whole works. + +"There's more dolls keeping their little sisters in convents than there +is ones buying white-topped shoes. The poor Jane has to go somewhere to +make her forget the blooming show shop. + +"A bunch of these high-browed clucks jump all over the villages, ladies +of the court, etc., and think it's their fault that the price of +lobsters is so high. + +"Maybe the price of lobsters is high, but did you ever see a chorus girl +buy one for herself? + +"An actress gets handed hers at every stage of the game, just because a +few make the big noise. These old cranks are always laying for a chance +to get a little limelight, and they naturally make the big talk about +people that are in the public eye, and those that they know nothing +about. + +"They should either furnish those guys with a muzzle or give them a pike +at the inside of the show business so that they would either keep their +trap shut or know what they are talking about. I will admit that there +are some grand wonders in this business, but that is no reason why the +whole game should be crabbed, and all get the pan for the actions of a +few. + +"You all know that I am broad minded. I believe that everybody should +have a good time if they can keep sober. Of course I don't mean +painfully sober, but not to get disgustingly disgusting so that they +have to be dragged to the taxi. That I call going too far, and entirely +unnecessary. + +"If a fluff commences to get too moist around the lamps she should +either plead a headache and slide for the curled hair or throw her +drinks on the floor when the host is holding hands or exchanging quips +with one of the other ladies in the party. + +"Drink is an awful thing, especially the next morning. Thanks to +Wilbur's teaching, I take a spoonful of olive oil every evening before I +duck the hut, so I can sit in with the best and have the seating +capacity of a bonded warehouse. + +"I pray thee do not breathe these little maidenish confidences, for it +might make hard feeling between me and some of my gentlemen friends I +have had to get checked at numerous places of refreshment. + +"Wilbur is so busy getting ready for the Friars' Festival that you can't +chase a word out of him about anything else. Mr. Erlanger, Lee Schubert, +Lew Dockstader and Fred Thompson have all kicked in for their boxes, and +it is expected that a few more will realize the merits of the attraction +and kick in this week. + +"To see the paper they have had given to them you'd think it was the +storeroom of the Bailey Show. + +"I ain't saying nothing, but you just wait until those guys get through +with the long-handled brushes. They are going to give Friar Green the +job of tacking cards because he is quick on his feet. The big festival +comes off next Thursday, so if you haven't bought your seats it's time +to get busy. It will be the one best bet in the show line this season. + +"Just think, Mr. Weber and Mr. Fields are going to appear together for +the first time in years. + +"Honest, I am so excited over the affair that I can hardly wait. Wilbur +got two seats in the first row, and I'll be there with new frock on, my +hair in a braid and my feet in the orchestra pit. Between the festival +and the new clubhouse it's got Charley Cook running around in circles. +And Wells Hawks is so busy doping out stuff that I saw him pass an +elephant the other day without speaking to it. + +"Harry Alward is working three eight-hour shifts every day, and the +whole blooming gang have gone so noodley that they won't even stop to +buy me a drink, and you can take it from me that when those guys +overlook a chance to do something for somebody in distress something has +gone wrong, or there is a big hen on. + +"What was I talking about? Oh, yes. Have you heard the latest gossip? +Alla McSweeney is wearing 'Merry Widow' cocktails on the outside of +taxicabs now. That poor dear has to swallow a sinker with everything she +inhales. And she always comes up bright and cheerful with her face to +the pane waiting for the next one. I've seen her go under four times in +an evening, and though a little pale she is always there with the chimes +when the curtain drops. + +"Yes, I put on my light ones some two weeks ago. I got jerry that there +would be some class to the humidity, so I made the quick change. + +"I cannot decide yet what to do for the summer. I don't know whether to +go down to Bath Beach and take a cottage, go to the mountains or go back +to Emporia for a trip. I got run out of that hick hamlet the last time I +was there, and I am afraid if I go back I might get lynched. You can +never tell what those emotional tillers of the soil are going to do +next. Why, they are just as liable to vote for Bryan as not. + +"I have been invited out to Far Rockaway for a week or two. Mr. Corse +Payton is going to make his summer home out there, and if he is within a +radius of ten miles I know we are slated for the one grand time. He is +so full of Iowa gallantry that he wouldn't let even a dog go by without +offering it a highball. He's just that soft hearted. He's got a young +hotel out there and the bars are down for any of his friends. + +"Some of us girls are talking about getting a houseboat and leading the +simple. The chances are it will fall through most everything we dope out +does. That's the trouble with us actresses. We get a wild idea and work +it to death for a few minutes and then somebody says, 'I'll buy,' and +the stuff is off. We could have lots of fun on a houseboat if it had a +cool cellar. I certainly do love to go bathing by moonlight. It's so +romantic. + +"There's a certain party of some prominence on Wall Street that wants me +to be one of a party on board his yacht, as his wife is going to Europe +for the summer, but I don't know about these yachting parties, for there +has been so much scandal about some of them that I am afraid it will +lacerate my reputation. You know, above all things, I must be careful +with that. Especially now that I am going to become a bride. Yep, Wilbur +and I expect to pull off the wedding bell specialty early in June, or as +soon as the season opens at Saratoga. + +"I think a young married couple can have such a nice quiet time in +Saratoga if they go there on their bridal trip and the season is opened. +There is so many society people and others there that life never drags. + +"I remember I was there on my first wedding tour, but my husband wasn't +with me. What! Didn't you know I had been married. Certainly I have, and +I am betraying no confidences when I declare myself. Yes, I have been +married, and to Saratoga on my wedding trip my husband couldn't +accompany me because he was with another show. I never had such an +extended bridal trip. All one-night stands. I was with a musical comedy +at the time, and I met my husband in Racine, Wis. I know that's an awful +place to meet anybody, even your husband, but this is a sad and true +tale. He was the leading juvenile with a one-two-three show, and such a +handsome thing you never saw on the stage. + +"Honest, to hear him spring that sure-fire hokum you would have thought +he believed it. I know he passed the same line of dope out to me, and I +fell for it. What more could you ask? I was a young and trusting thing +then, having been in the business only one season, so I was not 'wised' +up to the proper point to believe no man until he makes good. He +introduced himself to me after the performance, and as we were laying +off there waiting for the angel to come across with the necessary funds +for us to continue our successful tour, I had nothing else to do but to +listen to his line of chatter. + +"He handed it over so strong that I took it all in, and one day when he +sought my hand I nailed him to the mast and we beat it for the justice +of the peace and were made one. + +"His show closed shortly after that and I had to learn to send him +money. He got so proud and stuck up that he wouldn't even hunt for a +job, until at last it got so unbearable that I had to get a divorce. + +"He was a gay and festive young thing, and though I left town the day we +were married I still look upon him as my first husband. + +"No, I never have seen him since, but we did a great deal of +corresponding especially when he needed money. + +"If you could get Clarence--yes, that was his name ain't it a +scream?--if you could get Clarence soused he was the boy comic. Honest, +I have seen him bring a smile out of a head waiter. + +"He was the real spendthrift. Why, every day he was courting me in +Racine he would take me down and let me look at the lake for hours at a +time, and often he would tell me he was going to take me boat riding. +Shows what a piker I was. If I knew what I do now I would have sprung a +laugh and told him if he wanted my fair young heart he would have to +show me more excitement than a watch meeting. + +"My, how I do run on! Here I got to sell a couple more seats for the +festival, for it is coming off a week from this coming Thursday, and I +want to have all the other girls faded. What, must you go? Say, party, +take it from me--break open your bank and count your pennies, for it's +the chance of a lifetime. Da-da." + + + + + She discusses the advisability of chorus girls charging time for + their company like a taxicab. She goes for a sail on the river + and the party meets with several accidents before finally having + a wreck. + + + +CHAPTER NINETEEN + + +"Gee, Kid, I can scarce restrain myself," remarked Sabrina, the Show +Girl, as we met her on the street. + +"The big show comes off Thursday afternoon, and me! Why, I'll be there +dressed up like a circus. Take it from me, it's a bet you don't want to +overlook. I seen a guy go up to the managers and wave $10,000 in their +faces for the box office receipts, and all he got was the cold, cruel +laugh of scorn. + +"The clubhouse had its official opening last night, and as yet none of +those that were in attendance have appeared upon the scene. I ain't +saying a word, but I bet they had an awful time. + +"Them Friars are great people. I been the busy little bee all week +trying to get some tickets, but I guess they are all sold out. All of +the out-of-town guys are clamoring for gallery seats behind posts. And +anything less than $50 for one of the seats is considered as car fare. + +"Wilbur went to the opening of the new clubhouse last night, and I got a +'phone from him this morning saying he was going home and get some +sleep. + +"Say, party, was you up to the Friars' Convention last Sunday? Talk +about fun, this sixty laughs in sixty minutes stunt looked like a +Methodist watch meeting. + +"Honest, I felt sorry for Miss Piatt of 'The Merry Widow' bunch. She was +elected to represent that outfit by the whole company Saturday night and +then none of the girls showed up to vote for her. The funny thing of the +whole works was that Miss Sara Spotted-Weazel from the Bill Show nearly +won at that. Gee, did you hearken to the cadenza she turned loose? +Indian comic opera. Fine business. I am glad Josephine Cohan got it, +'cause she's a nice girl, though Louise Dresser is all right at that. + +"Beban was the foxy guy; every time anybody didn't show up from any +company he would claim that he was the delegate and put the thing +through. Wasn't Al Davis the busy party! Corbett thought the thing all +out and Davis did the hard work, and then every Friar for miles around +put in their little gab and told Davis how it should be done. + +"Did you ever notice that the party inside the taxi knows more about +running it than the chauffeur? Al was wise. He paid no attention to +their words of advice and that's why the thing was a success. Too many +chefs spoil the cheese sandwich. Them's my words and they go as they +lay. Hank Green got sore 'cause I spoke to him, so I won't do it any +more. + +"Wilbur and I are to be united in wedlock next week and we are going on +our wedding tour. Where it will be goodness only knows. It may be only +to Canarsie or Far Rockaway. + +"Since he met me he has planted a bunch of change, and a gentleman +friend of mine gave him a few tips on the market, and he's got what he +claims is a tidy sum. He's talking about taking a trip to Europe. Such a +chance. What license have we in that neck of woods? I told him to take a +ride over the Williamsburg bridge and that would give him all the Europe +he wanted. + +"He wants to go over there and bring back a couple of big vaudeville +acts and make a bunch of money. Rats, I tell him, rats. What does he +know about vaudeville acts? Some of these wops that go across never get +it out of their systems. All you hear is, 'When I was in London.' + +"I remember the time I met Ted Marks in Maxim's. Maxim's is in Paris, +you know, my dear. It gives me a sharp, stinging pain. Those burgs ain't +such a much. You can get just as good things to drink right here in New +York, so, I says to him, 'what's the use of making a fool trip like +that?' But he's noodly on the subject and spends half of his spare time +reading 'Short Trips in the Old World,' 'Life in the Latin Quarter,' +'Fifty-seven Ways to Avoid Tipping' and all that kind of junk. A trip to +Asbury Park would satisfy me just as well. + +"Alia McSweeney's Judge gave her a new automobile the other day and we +had a match race on the Merrick Road. Honest, the way my car left her +tied to the post was a crime. We both stopped drinking three hours +before the race commenced, so that our nerves would be in good +condition." + +"She may be a good chorus girl, but she certainly is a bum racer. I beat +her by two dogs, six chickens and a lamp post. I would have got a milk +wagon, only Wilbur carelessly blew the horn and scared him up a side +street. After the race the loser had to treat the winner to the big +eats. I can't tell you what we had, but I can say this much. If she +loses another race the Judge will have to go over to the corporations. +Eat? We had the best there was. + +"Gee, I am sore on this racing thing. You know I went down there a +couple of weeks ago and chased the books up a tree. I prance down there +the other day and they had me going some. I had a crowd of inside info, +and what do I do but let a wop tout me out of it and play his horse. I +lost just five hundred cold ones by the deal, and I sure does give this +guy a laying out. + +"I says to him, 'What license you got to give a lady a bum steer like +that? Here I go and plant my fifty on the dog you handed me at 6 to 5, +and the 10 to 1 shot I was going to play wins! Where's my comeback? I +ask you as a lady, where do I get off?' He offered to kick in with the +fifty I lost, but I put up such an awful roar that he gave me two +hundred more to ease my aching heart. + +"I lose him in the crowd and then take a peek at the entries again and +find the gee-gee I intended betting on didn't even start. Of course I +couldn't find the party that gave me the two fifty, search as I might. +Wasn't that rotten luck? + +"I ran that two fifty up to an even thousand before the last race and +then beat it for home and mother. The bunch went into the fresh air fund +along with the rest. I am now trying to meet some nice gentleman who +does business in Wall Street and get him to make a few conservative +investments for me. Not that I intend to use any of my own money. +Certainly not. But it is a good thing to have a bank account to flash, +so that the boob will think he will get a comeback if he does lose. + +"A gentleman did put some money up on a margin for me once and then when +he got trimmed he came to me for a check and I had to go into hysterics +before I could get rid of him. + +"The conceited yen some of these boobs have in thinking that a fluff has +nothing else to do but sit in some cafe and hold hands until daylight. + +"I am trying to get the Chorus Girls' Union to get together and pass a +law charging so much for our time, just like a taxicab. Don't you think +that would be a good idea? Lots of times the supper ain't worth the time +she wastes on the cluck. They could have a little indicator fastened to +their Merry Widow hat and as they leave the stage door turn down the +flag and not read the meter until he had kissed you good-by in the hall, +and then collect. In that way the doll would have the price of +breakfast, and maybe a new gag or something for her wardrobe. It would +reduce the nightly jam around the stage door by a whole lot. + +"Did you hear about the bunch of us going yachting in Gym Bagley's yacht +The Hornet the other day? He calls it The Hornet because he got stung +when he bought it. The weather was all to the good the other afternoon, +so we hike up to Harlem and collar the ship, six of us, and, after +loading a bunch of bottled ballast on board, we started out. Gosh, the +water was lovely. Gym don't care what becomes of the blooming barge as +long as it doesn't get lost. You can even sink it, if you mark the spot. +We all leave our Merry Widow lids in the boathouse, 'cause the boat +wouldn't hold them, and sallied forth. + +"Wilbur said he knew how to sail a boat. Come to find out later, it was +a stone boat he had been educated on. + +"Well, we elected him the chauffeur and, after hoisting the sail, the +gallant craft with its merry-merry crew swung out into the stream. Yo +ho, my lads, yo, ho. + +"The wind was blowing one way and we wanted to go the other, so after +nearly wrecking a couple of tugboats and a brick scow, we fixed the sail +so the wind would push the boat right along. Aye, aye, captain, a fish +sou'-sou' by east with the wind in his teeth! The sturdy vessel was just +tearing along. Honest, you could see it move--right along, just like a +clam, when Alla, who, you all know, is the human goat, in trying to +reach for a bottle of beer that didn't belong to her, fell overboard. + +"It served her right and I told the gang to hit her on the nob with an +oar when she came-up. We dragged her in, however, and wrapped her up in +a bunch of coats and set her on the front stoop of the craft to dry. + +"She got jerry to the fact that there was a bottle of jig juice in the +galley and at once threw a chill. Honest, to see that fluff do a stage +chill would have made a eel laugh, ha! ha! in that manner. She shook so +hard she nearly threw us all out of the scow, so that we finally had to +listen to her pleadings and pass her the booze. + +"I was for letting her shake so if we wanted mixed drinks al we would +have to do was to put the glass in her mitt and say go to it, but some +of the gazabos in the mob got a sympathy streak and let her have it. I'd +a let her had it, all right, all right, the outside of the bottle right +on the marcel. + +"The subterfuges these Janes will indulge in to accomplish their ends +makes my goat jump the barrier. + +"Nothing else marred our pleasant little sail up the river except when +we opened the lunch box we found only one sandwich, and no one would eat +it. Everybody wanted to trade their interest in it for a bottle of beer, +and there was nearly a riot. + +"It was finally settled by Wilbur, who is always the fair-haired boy +when it comes to emergencies. He took the sandwich and threw it +overboard and each and every member of the famished crew had another +eyedropper full of suds. If it hadn't been for him, we would be out +there yet. + +"We had got up to nearly opposite 155th street by this time and some of +the less experienced members of the jolly gang were commencing to worry +that they would never see Broadway again and stationed a lookout in the +bow to find Albany. Aye, aye, the deck, water sighted on the port beam. +On duty, captain. These noodley dames were strong for reversing and +returning to our harbor, which we had not seen for these many years--ah, +the brave sailor lad; alas, he had to remain away from home at night--so +Wilbur started to turn the boat around. + +"I think he must have thought he was driving a street car, for instead +of reversing like any white man would, he pulled off an evolution that +was a peach. + +"All of the wind ducked out of the sail gag for a minute and the boat +spun around, then, all of a sudden, it filled again, and, bingo! the +scow slowly lays over on her side an dies. The outfit fell into the +water kerplunk. I think I touched the bottom nine times before I grabbed +the side of the boat. I remember distinctly of passing a fish so often +that we got on speaking terms. + +"When I got the briny out of my lamps and took a pike around, there was +the whole works clinging to the side of the boat looking like a flock of +wet cats. + +"The remarks they made to Wilbur I would not repeat here, for he is to +be my future husband. The water was as cold as a flat in the Winter time +and nothing in sight. + +"One of the dames, I wouldn't be surprised if it was that Alla party, +suggested that we lash a man to the rigging and let him look for help. +Another was strong for turning the flag upside down as a signal of +distress. Louie Zweibaum nearly drowned because he had to use both hands +to tell her that the rigging was under water. + +"We, all between shivers, turned loose a Rebel yell for help and pretty +soon along comes a tugboat bound downtown. That drove up alongside and +after the captain found out that we had money they hoisted us on deck +and took the sloop for a tow. + +"Take it from me, I was never so glad to get near a fire in my life. The +skipper of the cheese let us get in the engine room and dry out. Can you +see that wet bunch of fluffs with all the highlight off and their +marcels around their necks. I'll bet there was a whole lot of surprises +sprung when the true complexion began to show up. We got fairly well +fixed up by the time we got down to where we had to go to get the rest +of our stuff and when we once again touched mother earth and the captain +of the boat had touched us we took it on the run for a cafe, and let me +tell you the market price on hot drinks closed strong in Harlem that +night. + +"We fixed Gym's boat up and gave it back to him the next day. Nobody +caught cold and everything in the garden's lovely. + +"Now, dearie, I can call you dearie, for I am soon to be a married woman +and it will be all right. Now, dearie, don't forget the big Festival +Thursday afternoon, for I will count on your being there to help the +crowd. + +"Remember the Friars do more for the actors than they are given credit +for, so it's up to you to help boost. So long. Don't forget to kick in +early and avoid the rush." + + + + + Sabrina is married and goes on her wedding trip. Her comments on + London and how her husband suppressed several professional + gamblers on board the steamer. The two expect to spend some time + in England, where we will leave them. + + + +CHAPTER TWENTY + + +Sabrina was married to Wilbur the day after the Friar Festival and we +acted in the capacity of best man and were very much in evidence in the +feast that followed. We imprinted chaste salutes on the lips of the +blushing bride until the groom tore us asunder. After the festivities +Sabrina and Wilbur disappeared and for the past ten days their favorite +cafes and loafing places have known them not. We were just beginning to +get nervous when the postman brought the following letter: + + "London. + + "Dear Party--I guess maybe when you pipe off this effusion you + will throw a foaming fit and fall in it. Me and Wilbur are now + in the city of fogs and take it from me, it's a bum habitation + for even a dog. + + "After you and the rest of the gang did the shoot the chutes + under the table at the wedding breakfast me and his nobs grabbed + our make-up boxes and took it on the lope for the ferry station. + I thought we were going to take a wedding tour to Asbury Park or + some of the other watering places, but what does Wilbur do but + sidestep the ferry proposition and we go prancing up to a dock + where a boat about nine miles big was hitched and before I had + time to give the office to the cop on the beat Wilbur rushes me + up the plank and into the outfit. Honest, it was bigger than any + of the Coney Island boats. I was under the impression for the + nonce that it was the night boat up the Hudson but I didn't see + a steward I knew. + + "A guy who had enough gilt on to be a Major-General in the + National Guard came floundering up and Wilbur gave him his real + name and the wop said, 'This way, please, threw us into a young + elevator and we went up a couple of stories and along a hall + until we came to a door which the gee threw open and said, 'This + is your stateroom.' + + "Honest, I never saw such a drum. A great big room with a real + bed instead of those shelve things and off of the room a bath, + and we were only to be on the water five days. Can you beat it? + I was the one surprised pup and as soon as I hung my 'Merry + Widow' on the gas jet I asked Wilbur about it. + + "He says, 'Kid, we are on the ferry to Europe and we are going + to spend our honeymoon across the pond.' I says, 'not for little + Sabrina; you don't get her out of sight of New York,' and made a + stab for the rail. By the time I got to it we were in the middle + of the creek and nothing in sight but a flock of tugboats and a + bunch of yaps waving their mitts on the dock. Take it from me, + if I hadn't been a bride I would have cut up something + scandalous, but it was too early in the matrimonial game to + start any lumpy work. So all I did was to sit and pout, 'cause I + know I can always make a hit when I flash the pouting number. + + "Gee, what could I do? Out there in the middle of the water with + a long, slushy walk back to the dock. So I did the next best + thing and gave the high sign to the steward to kick in with a + few refreshments, which he very graciously did. + + "Say, party, I can't tell you how I felt to see little old New + York slip away in the distance. That old town is a great old + burg, and as I was going to kick into some other country that I + wasn't hep to I naturally felt kind of bumly. + + "We went busting by the Statue of Liberty and then on out past + the Hook, and, take it from me, if that steward hadn't come + across with the refreshments just at that moment I would have + burst into tears. As it was I could only address Wilbur in a few + terse adjectives, and tell him what I thought of a person that + would pull off such a low down deal on an unsuspecting fluff. I + want to state right now that though I was but a bride I called + him good and proper. + + "The next morning we went down to breakfast. Say, they have + about ten meals a day on one of these scows and I've gained + about twenty pounds already. There was a bunch of show people + going over on the same boat and Wilbur and I naturally cottoned + to them. We didn't do a thing all day but sit on the deck and + read, or walk around or sing in the music room. Sure, they got a + real live music room on board, as well as a conservatory, a gym + and an elevator. + + "I don't know whether I plucked a quince or not. Wilbur kept + insisting that I go to the table every time they turned in an + alarm, and I was sorta holding off, 'cause I didn't want to + lance the poor boy for all his change on the way over, but he + kept insisting that I eat and acted so peevish when I didn't + that I thought, well, if he wants to spend his money all right, + so I eat so much that I couldn't have crowded any more in me + with a hypo. Come to find out the food was included in the + passage and we had to pay for it whether we ate it or not. + That's why I am wondering if I plucked a quince. Wilbur was + never tight before we were wed, and you can take it from me that + if he starts to hold out or draw down now there is going to be + fine large doings in the Wilbur family from the female + delegation. + + "Wilbur was in the smoking room the other evening and got to + talking with what he thought were a couple of boobs, but come to + find out they were wise guys. After sipping up a couple of slow + ones, the guys propose a little poker game. Wilbur and two other + boobs fall for the bunk and they open up. Wilbur, after losing a + little junk, gives the wise guys the office that he's jerry to + the fact that they are playing with newspaper, and lets them + know that if he ain't in on the frame-up he'll belch. + + "These two boobs are dirty with the evergreen, and Wilbur's got + the wise guys so leary for fear he will tip his mitt and they + naturally slip him a big one every time they get a chance. + Wilbur gets his money back and everything is even all around, + but the wise guys are the only ones who want to lay down. + + "Wilbur hands them a game of cheerful chatter and they don't + dare quit. Foxy Wilbur sits there until 3 a.m., raking in their + money, and incidentally corrals some that belongs to the wealthy + wops. In the meantime I am doing the earnest conversation act + with an old dowager that I met the second day out and she is + telling me about her country home in Devonshire or some other + one of these shire things. She sorta took a fancy to me and + insisted that Wilbur and I should run out there for a week-end. + Which end of the week she didn't say. But I guess if we go + Sunday we are safe. To hear this old dame tell it, she must own + about nine million acres up in the country, and her husband has + all kinds of wild animals--lions, tigers, elephants and all that + truck that are trained to be shot. She called it a shooting + lodge. Probably a branch of the Elks. This old party ceases her + harangue and I beat it to the air-felt and am pounding my ear + when Wilbur kicks in with a souse on. + + "I come out of the hay and am getting ready to call him to a + fare-you-well when he flashes his bundle. My anger vanished in a + moment and I just reach out and cop the coin and roll over and + goes to sleep. Wilbur sleeps on the floor until I took + compassion on him and rolled him on the lounge. Talk about your + wifely devotion, what! I count the roll in the morning before I + slip it to the purser for safekeeping and it assayed $1,245, + which is not half bad for a night's work. + + "The wise guys come around and offer Wilbur $100 a night to stay + out of the smoking room and he won't do it, but tells them if he + catches them playing another game during the trip he will turn + loose the long Rebel yell. Now the two wise guys are sitting on + deck reading 'The Lives of the Saints' and making faces at + Wilbur every time he goes romping by. Ain't Wilbur the saucy + thing? + + "The last night on board we gave a concert for the benefit of + the Seamen's Fund, or something like that, and I claim that it + was a classy affair. I appeared, and without any brag or + ostentation I can truthfully say that I scored a great personal + triumph. It wasn't so much what I did, but the winsome manner in + which I did it. Get that? Wilbur was the manager of the affair + and didn't shake down a cent. + + "What do you think of that? He said that a sailor needed all the + money he could get and he would be the first man not to take it + from them. I made my big hit at the concert in reciting 'Lasca.' + One of the mates told me that somebody does 'Lasca' on every + trip, but I was the first one that furnished scenery by letting + down my hair. I wonder if he was kidding me? + + "A great many of the ladies on board spent all their time in + playing Bridget whist, and after watching them for a couple of + afternoons they offered to teach me the game with a moderate + limit. I am hep to this poker thing and can look a pat hand in + the face without a quiver of the lip, but I must blushingly + admit that I thought I was in for a good old-fashioned trimming + when I got up against those dames. It cost me about fifty + dollars to learn, and then I had a streak of beginner's luck, + and before the whistle blew for dinner I was several hundred to + the velvet. + + "Two of the Janes put up a horrible holler about it being a + friendly game and wanted their money back. I was going to give + it to them, because I didn't want 'em to look any older, but one + of the others took my part and told me to hold onto the gross. + The three that didn't get their's back got out their little + hammers and for a while I had no one to talk to but myself or + Wilbur, and he was trying to dope out a scheme whereby he could + paste threesheets on the ocean and catch the incoming tourists. + I left him trying to compose a one-word wireless that would + explain the whole proposition to Fred Thompson. + + "We came in sight of England or Ireland, or some of those + foolish islands, early in the morning, and they didn't look so + much. Barren Island has got 'em faded for smell. There were + nothing but long white chalk cliffs that a good man with a + bucket of whitewash could paint in a week. + + "We got into Liverpool and loafed around town for a couple of + hours and saw nothing that would cause any excitement. The + natives look just the same and dress just the same as they do in + America but you have to go some to understand what they say. + + "Gee, you should pipe the herdics they use for railroad cars in + this man England's country. Instead of making the grand entrance + from the end you sneak in at the side and sit in a kind of a pew + thing, making faces at some one across the aisle. Wilbur got + sore 'cause he blew himself for a couple of tickets and the + conductor, I mean, the guard, didn't come around to collect them + until we go nearly into London. He wanted to bet an Englishman, + on the other side of the hall, $5--Bly me, I mean a pound, that + he could make the same trip for nothing and hand the guard a + group of chatter that would get him all the way into town. + + "When we crawled out of the caboose in London we thought it was + midnight, but on asking a cop--my word, I mean Bobby--he said it + was nothing but a fog. Wilbur told him that if he wanted him to + see much of his blooming city he would have to bring around a + dark lantern. + + "We called a cab and started for the Savoy. All true Americans + when they go to London stop at the Savoy. We drove for about an + hour, the horse gumshoeing his way through the dark until we + came to the hotel. Wilbur asked the cab driver how much it was + and he named the sum that if you even suggested it to a New York + cabby he would have you pinched. + + "After registering Wilbur called Marcus Mayer up on the + telephone. He grabbed down the receiver and after waiting for + about half an hour some dame said, 'Are you there?' Wilbur's + Nanny took the hurdle and he answered, 'Where did you think I + was? Playing pinochle with the King?' After a sharp struggle he + managed to get Marcus' hangout, but he wasn't in, so Wilbur + started out to hunt the American bar alone. In about fifteen + minutes he came back on the run with a couple of Bobbys about + two jumps behind him. It seems that Wilbur had found the + American bar and walked up to it and asked for a Manhattan + cocktail, because he was getting homesick and the bartender + said, 'Will you have it made with Scotch or Irish, sir?' + + "Naturally Wilbur hit him with the first thing that came handy, + which happened to be a heavy beer mug. The bartender was a short + sport, and instead of trimming him with a bung-starter, turns + loose a yell for the law. So Wilbur lopes on, carelessly + knocking over a couple of cops on his way out. + + "The two officers that followed him to the room were strong for + sending him to the booby hatch, but I had the presence of mind + to slip them each a piece of change and they exit laughing. + That's all that has happened so far, though we just got in town + last night and I am writing this before breakfast. Oh, no; + there's something else. Last night Wilbur and I started down to + dinner and they shooed him back to put on his evening clothes. + He met some of the American bunch after supper, and it took them + three hours to tell all the things they did to Georgie Cohan + when he was over here. Ted Marks is right here, with his hair in + a braid and the white carnation. + + "We will stay here for about a week and then caper over to + Paris. I got a hunch that Wilbur is fixing to leave me in the + outskirts, because I heard him say something about the + foolishness of taking a cheese sandwich to a banquet. + + "Will write again soon. + + "Platonically Yours, + + "_SABRINA_." + + "P.S.--Wilbur is in another row downstairs and I got to go and + see what's coming off. + + "S." + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SORROWS OF A SHOW GIRL*** + + +******* This file should be named 10508.txt or 10508.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/5/0/10508 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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