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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/10017-0.txt b/10017-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd3ac97 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2239 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10017 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding will be sent postpaid on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | Carbolic Salve | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agent for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. I. No. 23. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + * * * * * + +See 15th page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $47,000 REWARD. | + | | + | PROCLAMATION. | + | | + | The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan. | + | | + | The widow having determined to increase the rewards | + | heretofore offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), | + | and no result having yet been obtained, and suggestions | + | having been made that the rewards were not sufficiently | + | distributive or specific, the offers in the previous | + | proclamation are hereby superseded by the following: | + | | + | A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and | + | conviction of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was | + | killed in hie house, No. 12 West Twenty-third Street, New | + | York, on the morning of Friday, July 29. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt | + | Studs which were taken from the clothing of the deceased on | + | the night of the murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, | + | together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and 1-16 carats, and the other, a | + | flat stone, showing nearly a surface of one carat, weighed | + | 3/4 and 1-32. All three were mounted in skeleton settings, | + | with spiral screws, but the color of the gold setting of the | + | flat diamond was not so dark as the other two. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor | + | Hunting-case Stem-winding Watch, No. 5657, 19 lines, or | + | about two inches in diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for | + | the Chain and Seals thereto attached. The Chain is very | + | massive, with square links, and carries a Pendant Chain with | + | two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," cut | + | thereon. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification and recovery of an old-fashioned | + | open-faced Gold Watch, with gold dial, showing rays | + | diverging from the center, and with raised figures; believed | + | to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at the same | + | time as the above articles. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold | + | Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears | + | an inscription of presentation not precisely known, but | + | believed to be either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital," or, "To Benjamin Nathan, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital." | + | | + | A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete | + | detailed information descriptive of this medal, which may be | + | useful in securing its recovery. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification of the instrument used in committing the | + | murder, which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece | + | of wrought iron about sixteen inches long, turned up for | + | about an inch at each end, and sharp; such as is used by | + | ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, ladder-makers, | + | pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their | + | flasks. | + | | + | A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the | + | morning of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick | + | up a piece of paper lying there, and then walk away with it, | + | if he will come forward and produce it. | + | | + | Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the | + | Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New | + | York; or to James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer. | + | | + | A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR. | + | | + | The foregoing rewards are offered by the request of, and are | + | guaranteed by me. | + | | + | Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN, | + | | + | Widow of B. NATHAN. | + | | + | The following reward has also been offered by the New York | + | Stock Exchange: | + | | + | $10,000.--The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten | + | Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the | + | murderer or murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of | + | said Exchange, who was killed on the night of July 28, 1870, | + | at his house in Twenty-third street. New York City. | + | | + | J. L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman | + | | + | Gov. Com. | + | | + | D. C. HAYS, Treasurer. | + | B. O. WHITE, Secretary. | + | MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for July. | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAIL-ROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | + | Saleable Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers,(Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | + | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | + | cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | + | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. Sprague | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD: + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XVI. + +AVUNCULAR DEVOTIO + +Having literally _fallen_ asleep from his chair to the rug, J. BUMSTEAD, +Esquire, was found to have reached such an extraordinary depth in +slumber, that Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, his landlord and landlady, who were +promptly called in by Mr. DIBBLE, had at first some fear that they +should never be able to drag him out again. In pursuance, however, of a +mode of treatment commended to their judgment, by frequent previous +practice with the same patient, the good couple poured a pitcher of +water over his fallen head; hauled him smartly up and down the room, +first by a hand and then by a foot; singed his whiskers with a hot +poker, held him head-downward for a time, and tried various other +approved allopathic remedies. Seeing that he still slept profoundly, +though appearing, by occasional movements of his arms, to entertain +certain passing dreams of single combats, the quick womanly wit of Mrs. +SMYTHE finally hit upon the homoeopathic expedient of softly shaking his +familiar antique flask at his right ear. Scarcely had the soft, liquid +sound therefrom resulting been addressed for a minute to the auricular +orifice, when a singularly pleasing smile wreathed the countenance of +the Ritualistic organist, his eyelids flew up like the spring-covers of +two valuable hunting-case watches, and he suddenly arose to a sitting +position upon the rug and began feeling around for the bed-clothes. + +"There!" cried Mrs. SMYTHE, greatly affected by his pathetic expression +of countenance, "you're all right now, sir. How worn-out you must have +been, to sleep so!" + +"Do you always go to sleep with such alarming suddenness?" asked Mr. +DIBBLE. + +"When I have to go anywhere, I make it a rule to go at once:--similarly, +when going to sleep," was the answer. "Excuse me, however, for keeping +you waiting, Mr. DIBBLE. We've had quite a rain, sir." + +His hair, collar, and shoulders being very wet from the water which had +been poured upon him during his slumber, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in his present +newly-awake frame of mind, believed that a hard shower had taken place, +and thereupon turned moody. + +"We've had quite a rain, sir, since I saw you last," he repeated, +gloomily, "and I am freshly reminded of my irreparable loss." + +"Such an open, spring-like character!" apostrophized the lawyer, staring +reflectively into the grate. + +"Always open when it rained, and closing with a spring," said Mr. +BUMSTEAD, in soft abstraction lost. + +"_Who_ closed with a spring?" queried the elder man, irascibly. + +"The umbrella," sobbed JOHN BUMSTEAD. + +"I was speaking of your nephew, sir!" was Mr. DIBBLE'S impatient +explanation. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD stared at him sorrowfully for a moment, and then requested +Mrs. SMYTHE to step to a cupboard in the next room and immediately pour +him out a bottle of soda-water which she should find there. + +"Won't you try some?" he asked the lawyer, rising limply to his feet +when the beverage was brought, and drinking it with considerable noise. + +"No, thank you," returned Mr. DIBBLE. + +"As you please, then," said the organist, resignedly. "Only, if you have +a headache don't blame me. (Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, you may place a few +cloves where I can get them, and retire.) What you have told me, Mr. +DIBBLE, concerning the breaking of the engagement between your ward and +my nephew, relieves my mind of a load. As a right-thinking man, I can no +longer suspect you of having killed EDWIN DROOD." + +"Suspect ME?" screamed the aged lawyer, almost leaping into the air. + +"Calm yourself," observed Mr. BUMSTEAD, quietly, the while he ate a +sedative clove. "I say that I can _not_ longer suspect you. I can not +think that a person of your age would wantonly destroy a human life +merely to obtain an umbrella." + +Absolutely purple in the face, Mr. DIBBLE snatched his hat from a chair +just as the Ritualistic organist was about to sit upon it, and was on +the point of hurrying wrathfully from the room, when the entrance of +Gospeler SIMPSON arrested him. + +Noting his agitation, Mr. BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear him from +suspicion in the new-comer's mind also. + +"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad affair we +must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be as innocent +as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor is +concerned, I wholly acquit him of all guilty knowledge of my nephew and +umbrella." + +Too apoplectic with suffocating emotions to speak, Mr. DIBBLE foamed +slightly at the month and tore out a lock or two of his hair. + +"And I believe that my unhappy pupil, Mr. PENDRAGON, is as guiltless," +responded the puzzled Gospeler. "I do not deny that he had a quarrel +with Mr. DROOD, in the earlier part of their acquaintance; but, as you, +Mr. BUMSTEAD, yourself, admit, their meeting at the Christmas-Eve dinner +was amicable; as I firmly believe their last mysterious parting to have +been." + +The organist raised his fine head from the shadow of his right hand, in +which it had rested for a moment, and said, gravely: "I cannot deny, +gentlemen, that I have had my terrible distrusts of you all. Even now, +while, in my deepest heart, I release Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. PENDRAGON from +all suspicion, I cannot entirely rid my mind of the impression that you, +Mr. SIMPSON, in an hour when, from undue indulgence in stimulants, you +were not wholly yourself, may have been tempted, by the superior +fineness of the alpaca, to slay a young man inexpressibly dear to us +all." + +"Great heavens, Mr. BUMSTEAD!" panted the Gospeler, livid with horror, +"I never--" + +--"Not a word, sir!" interrupted the Ritualistic organist,--"not a word, +Reverend sir, or it may be used against you at your trial." + +Pausing not to see whether the equally overwhelmed old lawyer followed +him, the horribly astounded Gospeler burst precipitately from the house +in wild dismay, and was presently hurrying past the pauper +burial-ground. Whether he had been drawn to that place by some one of +the many mystic influences moulding the fates of men, or because it +happened to be on his usual way home, let students of psychology and +topography decide. Thereby he was hurrying, at any rate, when a shining +object lying upon the ground beside the broken fence, caused him to stop +suddenly and pick up the glittering thing. It was an oroide watch, +marked E.D.; and, a few steps further on, a coppery-looking seal-ring +also attracted the finder's grasp. With these baubles in his hand the +genial clergyman was walking more slowly onward, when it abruptly +occurred to him, that his possession of such property might possibly +subject him to awkward consequences if he did not immediately have +somebody arrested in advance. Perspiring freely at the thought, he +hurried to his house, and, there securing the company of MONTGOMERY +PENDRAGON, conveyed his beloved pupil at once before Judge SWEENEY, and +made affidavit of finding the jewelry. The jeweler, who had wound EDWIN +DROOD'S watch for him on the day of the dinner, promptly identified the +timepiece by the innumerable scratches around the keyhole; Mr. BUMSTEAD, +though at first ecstatic with the idea that the seal-ring was a ferule +from an umbrella, at length allowed himself to be persuaded into a +gloomy recognition of it as a part of his nephew, and MONTGOMERY was +detained in custody for further revelations. + +News of the event circulating, the public mind of Bumsteadville lost no +time in deploring the incorrigible depravity of Southern character, and +recollecting several horrors of human Slavery. It was now clearly +remembered that there had once been rumors of terrible cruelties by a +PENDRAGON family to an aged colored man of great piety; who, because he +incessantly sang hymns in the cotton-field, was sent to a field farther +from the PENDRAGON mansion, and ultimately died. Citizens reminded each +other, that when, during the rebellion, a certain PENDRAGON of the +celebrated Southern Confederacy met a former religious chattel of his +confronting him with a bayonet in the loyal ranks, and immediately +afterwards felt a cold, tickling sensation under one of his ribs, he +drew a pistol upon the member of the injured race, who subsequently died +in Ohio of fever and ague. What wonder was it, then, that this young +PENDRAGON with an Indian club and a swelled head should secretly +slaughter the nephew and appropriate the umbrella of one of the most +loyal and devoted Ritualists that ever sent a substitute to battle? In +the mighty metropolis, too, the Great Dailies--those ponderous engines +of varied and inaccurate intelligence--published detailed and mistaken +reports of the whole affair, and had subtle editorial theories as to the +nature of the crime. The _Sun,_ after giving a cut of an old-fashioned +parlor-grate as a diagram of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S house, and a portrait of Mr. +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG as a correct photograph of the alleged murderer by +ROCKWOOD, said:--"The retention of Mr. FISH as Secretary of State by the +present venal Administration, and the official countenance otherwise +corruptly given to friends of Spanish tyranny who do not take the _Sun,_ +are plainly among the current encouragements to such crime as that in +the full reporting of which to-day the _Sun's_ advertisements are +crowded down to a single page, as usual. Judge CONNOLLY, after walking +all the way from Yorkville, agrees with the _Sun_ in believing, that +something more than an umbrella tempted this young MONTMORENCY PADREGON +to waylay EDWIN WOOD. To-morrow we shall give the public still further +exclusive revelations, such as the immense circulation of the New York +_Sun_ enables us especially to obtain. On this, as upon every occasion +of the publication of the _Sun,_ we shall leave out columns upon columns +of profitable advertising, in order that no reader of the _Sun_ shall be +stinted in his criminal news. The _Sun_ (price two cents) has never yet +been bought by advertisers, and never will be." The _Tribune_ said: +"What time the reader can spare from perusing our special dispatches +concerning the progress of Smalleyism in Europe, shall, undoubtedly, be +given to our female-reporter's account of the alleged tragedy at +Bumperville. There are reasons of manifest propriety to restrain us, as +superior journalists, from the sensational theorizing indulged by +editors choosing to expend more care and money upon local news than upon +European rumors; but we may not injudiciously hazard the assumption, +that, were the police under any other than Democratic domination, such a +murder as that alleged to have been committed by MANTON PENJOHNSON on +BALDWIN GOOD had not been possible. PENJOHNSON, it shall be noticed, is +a Southerner, while young GOOD was strongly Northern in sentiment; and +it requires no straining of a point to trace in these known facts a +sectional antagonism to which even a long war has not yielded full +sanguinary satiation." The _World_ said: "_Acerrima proximorum odia;_ +and, under the present infamous Radical abuse of empire, the hatred +between brothers, first fostered by the eleutheromaniacs of +Abolitionism, is bearing its bitter fruit of private assassination at +last. Somewhere amongst our _loci communes_ of to-day may be found a +report of the supposed death, at Hampsteadville (_not_ Bumperville, as a +radical contemporary has it,) of a young Northerner named GOODWIN BLOOD, +at the hands of a Southern gentleman belonging to the stately old +Southern family of PENTORRENS. The PENTORRENS' are related, by old +cavalier stock, to the Dukes of Mandeville, whose present ducal +descendant combines the elegance of an Esterhazy with the intellect of +an Argyle. That a scion of such blood as this has reduced a fellow-being +to a condition of inanimate protoplasm, is to be regretted for his sake; +but more for that of a country in which the philosophy of COMTE finds in +a corrupt radical pantarchy all-sufficient first-cause of whatsoever is +rotten in the State of Denmark." The Times said: "We give no details of +the Burnstableville tragedy to-day, not being willing to pander to a +vitiated public taste; but shall do so to-morrow." + +After reading these articles in the Great Dailies with considerable +distraction, and inferring therefrom, that at least three different +young Southerners had killed three different young Northerners in three +different places on Christmas-Eve, Judge SWEENEY had a rush of blood to +the brain, and discharged MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON as a person of +undistinguishable identity. But, when set at large, the helpless youth +could not turn a corner without meeting some bald-headed reporter who +raised the cry of "Stop thief!" if he sought to fly, and, if he paused, +interviewed him in a magisterial manner, and almost tearfully implored +him to Confess his crime in time for the Next Edition. + +Father DEAN, Ritual Rector of St. Cow's, meeting Gospeler SIMPSON upon +one of their daily strolls through the snow, said to him: + +"This young man, your pupil, has sinned, it appears, and a Ritualistic +church, Mr. Gospeler, is no sanctuary for sinners." + +"I cannot believe that the sin is his, Holy Father," answered the +Reverend OCTAVIUS, respectfully: "but, even if it is, and he is +remorseful for it, should not our Church cover him with her wings?" + +"There are no wings to St. Cow's yet," returned the Father, +coldly,--"only the main building; and that is too small to harbor any +sinner who has not sufficient means to build a wing or two for himself." + +"Then," said the Gospeler, bowing his head and speaking slowly, "I +suppose he must go to the Other Church." + +"What Other church?" + +The Gospeler raised his hat and spoke reverently:-- + +That which is all of God's world outside this little church of ours. +That in which the Altar is any humble spot pressed by the knees of the +Unfortunate. That in which the priest is whoso doeth a good, unselfish +deed, even if in the shadow of the scaffold. That in which the anthem of +visible charity for an erring brother sinks into the listening soul an +echo of an unseen Father's pity and forgiveness, and the choral service +is the music of kind words to all who ever found but unkind words +before." + +"You must mean the Church of the Pooritans," said the Ritual Rector. + +So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to seek harbor +where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited to +Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary. + +"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the watch and +seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, was the temptation of +the murderer. I now swear that I will no more discuss either my nephew +or my umbrella with any living soul, until I have found once more the +familiar boyish form and alpaca canopy, or brought vengeance upon him +through whom I am nephewless and without protection in the rain." + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +CHINCAPIN AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: When Oratory, rising to its loftiest flights upon the +wings of Buncombe, denounces with withering scorn the effete and +tyrannical monarchies of Europe, and proclaims the glorious fact that +this is a Free Country, Fellow Citizens! it hardly does us justice. We +are not only free, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, we are Free and Easy, sir. Breathes +there a man so tortuously afflicted with Strabismus that he doesn't see +it? If such there be let him go and visit the Oneida Community. + +Last week I took a run down to Oneida myself. I found the Communists a +very Social crowd, I can assure you. PROUDHON himself might be proud of +such disciples, and DESIDERANT find nothing there to be Desiderated. The +Communists divide everything equally, particularly the Affections, so +there are no Better Halves among them. In Utah, you are aware, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, the women are Sealed to the men, but among these people +they are not even Wafered. Your Own IDA may be anybody else's in the +Oneida Community. The only individuals that object to Dividing are the +children, who are generally opposed to Division, both long and Short, as +well as to Fractions. + +Infants don't go for much among the Free Lovers, and are Put Out--to +Nurse. After the age of Fifteen months they are surrendered by their +Ma's to the Charge of the Two Hundred (the number of men and women in +the Community,) who become their common parents, and the infants become +common property. The domestic arrangements are entrusted to two females, +who are called the "Mothers of the Community." But whether these dual +Mothers Do All the Nursing I am unable to say. + +I had a little conversation with the Eminent and Aged Free Lover who +acted as my guide, and I give it in the manner of the "interviewing +reporter." + +CHINC. Venerable Seer, tip us your views on the subject of Love. + +AGED FREE-LOVER Do you then take an Interest in our Principles? + +CHINC. (Dubiously.) Then you _have_-- + +A. F. L. Yes, of our own. They are not those of a prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld. +Our principles are Embraced in the Communism of Love and Passional +Attraction. + +CHINC. (Confidently.) Ah, yes; of course--you are Free Lovers. + +A. F. L. Sir-r-r? + +CHINC. (Much abashed.) Excuse me. I am young, inexperienced, and but +slightly acquainted with the Dictionary. + +A. P. L. So I see. Know, young man, that we scorn and repudiate the name +of Free Lovers as applied to us by the newspapers. It is true we believe +that Love should be untrammelled by the Hateful Bonds of Marriage. With +us a Lady may have an affinity for any number of gentlemen, and +vice-versa. But we are not Free Lovers. + +CHINC. Oh, no! Not by no means. Not any. + +A. F. L. (Growing eloquent.) We have only advanced from the simple to +the more complex form of matrimony. Why should not the faithfulness +which constitutes the wretchedly exclusive dual Marriage of the +Wor-r-r-ld exist as well between Two Hundred as between two? Why? + +CHINC. Why, O why? But there may be reasons-- + +A.F.L. Young Man, reared in the hateful prejudices of an Unprogressive +Wor-r-ld, there air none. + +CHINC. This system, as you, Ancient Person, observe, is much complexed. +Do I, then, understand you that a woman may have fifty affinities and +yet be faithful to each? + +A.F.L. Yes, my son, any number. This plurality of affinities you of +course cannot appreciate. A prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld cannot understand the +Bond of Union which connects all the Brothers and Sisters in a Spiritual +Marriage. The results of the complex system are-- + +CHINC. (Interrupting.) I--I--fear the complexity of your system is one +too many for me. I feel that my Brow cannot stand the pressure. I must +away. Farewell, old man--Adieu! + +Such, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is briefly the Free and Easy Doctrine of Natural +Affinity and Passional Attraction. I have no doubt there are some +illiberal Persons who would give it a much harsher name. For myself, I +believe in the Biggest kind of Liberty, but not for the Biggest kind of +Libertines. Reverentially yours, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LACONIC, BUT EXPRESSIVE. + +SCENE: NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE FIVE POINTS + +_First Ruffian._ "WHERE TO NOW, SNOOTY?" + +_Second Ditto._ "PICNIC." + +_First Ditto._ "WOTTERYER GOT IN YER LUNCH WALLET?" + +_Second Ditto._ "SLUNG SHOT."] + + * * * * * + +REJUVENATED FRANCE. + +PUNCHINELLO has perused a draft of the next Constitution of the French +people, or of France, if that is better. Unwilling to give it to his +readers in full, at present, he considers himself authorized, however, +to cite a few paragraphs of it, which will be found both original and +interesting. + +FIFTY-SEVENTH CONSTITUTION OF FRANCE. (One a year, more or less.) + +_Paragraph_ 1. The French Nation is sovereign; the French people are +sovereign; sovereigns are sovereign; every Frenchman is sovereign. + +_Paragraph_ 2. All men are equal, but Frenchmen are highly superior to +all other men. + +_Paragraph_ 3. In order to secure peace, it is decreed and plebiscited +that all governments shall have a chance. For the next ten years, or +less, the Orleans Dynasty shall rule; after that a BONAPARTE for a few +years; then a Republic, "democratic and social," as long as it can keep +on its legs. After that a second Republic, for a twelvemonth at least. +Then an old BOURBON, if one can be found. After this, a military +dictatorship; the army to decide its duration. At each change the people +will decide by plebiscit whether they want the respective governments to +be: _personal_, _legal_, or neither. + +_Paragraph_ 4.--But here we must stop. + + * * * * * + +Titans. + +The _Liberté_ says: "A lot of crazy fellows tried to proclaim the +republic at Toulouse." Now there are manifestly two errors in this +statement. The fellows alluded to were not Toulouse, but too tight +fellows. Moreover, if they really had been crazies, as the _Liberté_ +supposes, they would have been instantly arrested and sent to Paris, +under guard, by the way of the Madder line, to await the action of the +Prefect of the Sane. + + * * * * * + +Astronomical. + +A NEW Milky Way has been discovered. It is the way the milk producers +(farmers, not cows,) of Westchester County have of insisting upon +raising their charges for milk from four cents to five cents a quart, +wholesale. We fail to discern the milk of human kindness, here; but it +is clear that the milk in the cocoa-nuts of these farmers is mighty +sour. + + * * * * * + +WHAT SIGERSON SAYS. + +SIGERSON (Dr.) of the Royal Irish Academy, has gone and said some mighty +unpleasant things about the Atmosphere. How he found them out, we can't +say, (and we hope _he_ can't:) but nevertheless, he declares, with the +most dreadful calmness, that if you go to visit the Iron Works, you will +inevitably breathe a great many hollow Balls of Iron, say about one two +thousandth of an inch in diameter! What these rather diminutive +ferruginous globules will do for you, we do not know; but you can see +for yourself, that with your lungs full of little iron balls you must +certainly be in a "parlous" state. We should say that we had quite as +lief have the air full of those iron spheres, termed Cannon Balls, as it +is now in France. It is true, one couldn't get many of _these_ inside +one with impunity; and equally true, that foundry men do manage to live, +with all that iron in their lungs; but we can't say we desire to "build +up an Iron Constitution," as the P-r-n S-r-p folks say, by the inhaling +process. + +But SIGERSON is not content to render the neighborhood of Iron Works +questionable to the delicate and apprehensive; in "shirt-factory air" he +declares, upon honor, "there are little filaments of linen and cotton, +with minute eggs" (goodness gracious!) "Threshing machines," he more +than insinuates, "fill the air with fibres, starch-grains and spores," +(spores! think of that;) and (what is truly ha(i)rrowing,) in "stables +and barber's shops" you cannot but breathe "scales and hairs." Good +Heavens! + +What he says of printers and smokers is simply horrible; in short, this +dreadful SIGERSON has gone and made life a wretched and lingering (to +quote the sensitive Mrs. GAMP,) "progiss through this mortial wale." + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacation. + +When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no particular +outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to comprehends only +males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. But when we go to +the Adirondacks,--certainly a most extraordinary place of summer +resort,--we require an outfit which is as remarkable as the region +itself. Thoroughly understanding this necessity, Mr. PUNCHINELLO made +himself entirely ready for a life in the woods before he set out for the +Adirondack Mountains. Witness the completeness of his preparations. + +The railroad to the heart of this delightful resort is not yet finished, +and when Mr. P. had completed his long journey, in which the excellence +and abominabitity,--so to speak,--of every American form of conveyance +was exhibited, he was glad enough to see before him those charming wilds +which are gradually being tamed down by the well-to-do citizens of New +York and Boston. He found that it was necessary, in order to enter the +district, to pass through a gate in a high pale-fence, and, to his +surprise, he was informed that he must buy a ticket before being allowed +to proceed. On inquiry, he discovered that the Reverend Mr. MURRAY, of +Boston, claiming the whole Adirondack region by right of discovery, had +fenced it entirely in, and demanded entrance money of all visitors. + +This was bad, to be sure, but there was no help for it, and Mr. P. +bought his ticket and passed in. + +The Adirondack scenery is peculiar. In the first place, there are no +pavements or gravel walks. + +This is a grievous evil, and should be remedied by Mr. MURRAY as soon as +possible. The majority of the paths are laid out in the following +manner. + +The scenery, however, would be very fine if the bugs were transparent. + +The multitudes of insectivorous carnivora, which arose to greet Mr. P., +effectually prevented him from seeing anything more than a yard distant. + +But if this had been all, Mr. P. would not have uttered a word of +complaint. It was not all, by any means. + +These hungry creatures, these black-flies; midges; mosquitoes; yellow +bloodsuckers; poison-bills; corkscrew-stingers; hook-tailed hornets; and +all the rest of them settled down upon him until they covered him like a +suit of clothes. A warmer welcome was never extended to a traveller in a +strange land. + +In case his readers should not be familiar with the animal, the +accompanying drawing will give an admirable idea of the celebrated +black-fly of the Adirondacks, which, with the grizzly bear and the +rattlesnake, occupies the front rank among American ferocious animals. + +After travelling on foot for a day and a night; drenched by rain; +scorched by the sun; crippled by rocks and roots; frightened by +rattle-snakes and panthers; blistered and swollen by poisonous insects; +nearly starved; tired to death; and presenting the most pitiable +appearance in the world, Mr. P. reached the encampment of Mr. MURRAY, +proprietor and exhibitor of the Adirondacks. + +Knowing that there was quite a large company in the camp, Mr. P. was +almost ashamed to show himself in such a doleful plight, but he soon +found that there was no need for any scruples on that account, as they +were all as wretched looking as himself. + +Mr. MURRAY welcomed him cordially, and after building a "smudge" around +him to keep off the flies, he gave Mr. P. some Boston brown-bread and a +glass of pure water from a rill. + +This, with a sip from Mr. P.'s little flask, revived him considerably, +and after a night's rest on the lee side of a tree, where the rain did +not wet him nearly so much as if he had been on the other side, Mr. P. +felt himself equal to the task of enjoying the Adirondacks. + +That morning, Mr. MURRAY conducted a melancholy party of disconsolate +pleasure-seekers to a neighboring stream, where he instructed them to +fish for trout.. He told them they must revel in the delights of the +scene, and should tremble with the wild rapture of drawing from the +rushing waters the bounding trout. + +Mr. P. tried very hard to do this. He put his prettiest fly and his +sharpest hook on his longest line, and, for hours, gently whipped the +ripples. At last a speckled representative of the American National +Game-fish took compassion on the patient fisherman and entered into a +contest of skill with him. (A friendly match, and no bets on either +side.) The game lasted some time. The fish made some splendid +"fly-catches;" and Mr. P., slipping on a wet stone at the edge of the +brook, got in once on his base. On this occasion, the line and a +black-berry bush arranged a decided "foul" between them. At last, just +at the most interesting point of the game, the sudden sting of a +steel-bee caused Mr. P. to give a quick bawl, when the fish took a +home-run and came back no more. Time of game, 3h., 50m. + + Mr. P. 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0--1. + Trout 6 9 8 7 9 9 9 9 9--75. + +That afternoon Mr. MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, Shanty Brook, +Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little mountain gutters of +the kind than you could count on your fingers and toes. As an +aristocratic residence, this region is certainly superior to New York, +for the Murray Hills are as plenty as blackberries. The next day they +all went up Mount Marcy. When the ascent was completed, everybody lay +down and went to sleep. They were too tired to bother themselves about +the view. At length, after a good nap, Mr. MURRAY got up and wakened the +party, and they all came down. + +They came by the way of the "grand slide," but Mr. P. didn't like it. +His tailor, however, will no doubt think very highly of it. + +When all was quiet, that evening, on Dangle-worm Creek, near which +they were encamped, Mr. P. found the Reverend MURRAY sitting in the +smoke of his private smudge, enjoying his fragrant pipe. Seating himself +by the veteran pioneer, Mr. P. addressed him thus: + +"Tell me, Mr. MURRAY, in confidence, your opinion of the Adirondacks." + +"Sir," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have no objection to give a person of your +respectability and knowledge of the world my opinion of this region, but +I do not wish it made public." + +"Of course, sir!" said Mr. P. "A man of your station and antecedents +would not wish his private opinions to be made too public. You may rely +upon my discretion." + +"Well, then," said the reverend mountaineer, "I think the Adirondacks an +unmitigated humbug, and I wish I had never let the world know that there +was such a place." + +"Why then do you come here every season, sir?" + +"After all I have written and said about it," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have +to come to keep up appearances. Don't you see? But I hate these +mountains from the bottom of my heart. For every word I have written in +praise of the region I have a black-fly-bite on my legs. For every word +I have said in favor of it I have a scratch or a bruise in some other +part of my corpus. I wish that there was no such a season as +summer-time, or else no such a place as the Adirondacks." + +(Readers of this paper are requested to skip the above, as those are Mr. +MURRAY'S private opinions, and not the statements he makes in public, +and his desire to keep them dark should be respected.) + +It may be of interest to his patrons to know that Mr. P. arrived home +safely and with whole bones. + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: The editor of the Slunkville _Lyre_ says in his last +issue:-- + +"Notwithstanding the calumnies of Mr. SKINNER, our reputation is still +good, and we continue to pay our debts promptly." + +This is the fifth hoax he has perpetrated within two weeks. His line of +business at present seems to be the _canard_ line. + +I'll trust him out of sight if I can keep one eye on him. Not otherwise. + +For a light recreation, combining a little business, I recommend his +funeral. + +It is pleasant to reflect that men of his stamp are never born again. +They are born once too much as it is. + +He went to the Agricultural Fair last Fall. There was a big potato +there. After gazing spell-bound upon it for one hour, he rushed home and +set the following in type: + +"What is the difference between the Rev. ADAM CLARK, and the big potato +at the fair? One is a Commentator, and the other is an _Un_common +'tater." + +This conundrum was so exquisitely horrible, that his friends hoped he'd +have judgment enough to hang himself, but such things die hard. + +Colonel W-----'s Goat. Colonel W-----, is a great man in these parts +Like most village nabobs, he's a corpulent gentleman with a great show +of dignity, and in a white vest and gold-headed cane, looks eminently +respectable. He owns a hot-house, keeps a big dog that is very savage, +and his wife wears a silk dress at least three times a week,--either of +which will establish a man's reputation in a country town. + +Everything belonging to the Colonel is held in the utmost awe by the +villagers. The paper speaks of him as "our esteemed and talented +townsman, Col. W.," and alludes to his "beautiful and accomplished +wife," who, by the way, was formerly waiter in an oyster saloon, and won +the Colonel's affection by the artless manner in which she would shout: +"Two stews, plenty o' butter." + +Like others of his stamp, the Colonel amounts to something just where he +is, but take him anywhere else, he'd be a first-class, eighteen carat +fraud. + +Awhile ago, the Colonel bought a goat for his little boy to drive in +harness, and the animal often grazed at the foot of a cliff, near the +house. One day, a man wandering over this cliff fell and was instantly +killed, evidently having come in contact with the goat, for the animal's +neck was broken. + +But what amused me was the way the aforesaid editor spoke of the affair. +He wrote half a column on the "sad death of Col. W's. goat," but not a +word of the unfortunate dead man, till he wound up as follows: + +"We omitted to state that a dead man was picked up near the unfortunate +goat. It is supposed that this person, in wandering over the cliff, lost +his foothold and fell, striking the doomed animal in his progress. Thus, +through the carelessness of this obscure individual, was Col. W's. poor +little goat hurled into eternity." + +The Superintendent asked me last Sunday to take charge of a class. +"You'll find 'em rather a bad lot" said he. "They all went fishing last +Sunday but little JOHNNY RAND. _He_ is really a good boy, and I hope his +example may yet redeem the others. I wish you'd talk to 'em a little." + +I told him I would. + +They were rather a hard looking set. I don't think I ever witnessed a +more elegant assortment of black eyes in my life. Little JOHNNY RAND, +the good boy, was in his place, and I smiled on him approvingly. As soon +as the lessons were over, I said: + +"Boys, your Superintendent tells me you went fishing last Sunday. All +but little JOHNNY, here." + +"You didn't go, did you, JOHNNY?" I said. + +"No, sir." + +"That was right. Though this boy is the youngest among you," I +continued, "you will now learn from his lips words of good counsel, +which I hope you will profit by." + +I lifted him up on the seat beside me, and smoothed his auburn ringlets. + +"Now, JOHNNY, I want you to tell your teacher, and these wicked boys, +why you didn't go fishing with them last Sunday. Speak up loud, now. It +was because it was very wicked, and you had rather come to the Sunday +School. Wasn't it?" + +"No, sir, it was 'cos I couldn't find no worms for bait." + +Somehow or other these good boys always turn out humbugs. + + +It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic nature in an +article intended to be humorous, but the following displays such +infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of mind, that I +cannot forbear. Although it occurred when I was quite young, it is +firmly impressed on my memory: + +The autumn winds sighed drearily through the leafless trees, as the +solemn procession passed slowly into the quiet church-yard, and paused +before the open grave, where all that was mortal of LUCY C----- was to +be laid away forever, and when the white-haired old pastor, with +trembling voice, recounted her last moments, sobs broke out afresh, for +she was beloved by all. + +The bereaved husband stood a little apart, and, though no tear escaped +him, yet we all instinctively felt that his heart was wrung with agony, +and his burden greater than he could bear. With folded arms, and eyes +bent upon the coffin, he seemed buried in a deep and painful reverie. +None dared intrude upon a grief so sacred. At last, turning to his +brother, and pointing to the coffin, he said: + +"JOHN, don't you call that rather a neat looking box for four dollars?" + + * * * * * + +Financial. + +Our French editor thinks that the Imperial revenues ought to be doubled +at once, on the ground of the too evident Income-pittance of the +Emperor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EXCURSION. + +_Fanny_. "ISN'T IT TOO BAD, FRANK; WE SHALL GET BACK TO TOWN LONG BEFORE +DARK." + +(_Fact is, Fanny has a thick shawl, and it would be so nice to share it +with Frank._)] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I see you have been at the White Sulphur Springs; but +you forgot to tell us what we were all dying to hear about the waters. +Several friends had suggested that I should go to some watering place +where I could get nothing else but water to drink, or to some spring +where I couldn't get "sprung." I tried the White Sulphur, and while +there learned some facts that may be useful to others who seek them for +a similar purpose. + +These springs differ from the European springs in that they were not +discovered by the Romans. The Latin conquerors never roamed so far, and +it was perhaps a good thing for them that they didn't, Sulphur water +could not have agreed with Romans any more than it agrees with Yankees +who take whiskey with it. I was asked if I would like to analyse the +water, (as everything here is done by analysis under the eye of the +resident physician.) _My_ analysis was done entirely under the nose. + +I raised a glass of the enchanted fluid to my lips: but my nose said +very positively, "Don't do it," and I didn't. I told my conductor I had +analyzed it, and he seemed not a little astonished at the rapidity and +simplicity of the method. He asked me if I would be kind enough to write +out a statement of the result after the manner of Dr. HAYES, Prof. +ROGERS, and others who have examined these waters and testified that +they would cure everything but hydrophobia. I told him I would, and +retiring to my room, wrote as follows: + +"Sulphur water contains mineral properties of a sulphuric character, +owing to the fact that the water runs over beds of sulphur. Nobody has +ever seen these beds, but they are supposed to constitute the cooler +portions of those dominions corresponding to the Christian location of +Purgatory. Sinners, preliminary to being plunged into the fiery furnace, +are laid out on these beds and wrapped in damp sheets by chambermaids +regularly attached to the establishment. This is meant to increase the +torture of their subsequent sufferings, and there can be no doubt that +it succeeds. Herein we have also an explanation of the reason of these +waters coming to the surface of the earth--it is to give patients and +other _miserables_ who drink them a foretaste of future horrors. Passing +from this branch of the subject to the analysis proper, I find that +fifty thousand grains of sulphur water divided, into one hundred parts, +contains, + + Bilge water, - - - - - - - - - - 95.75 + Sulphate of Bilgerius, - - - - - 1.855 + Chloride of Bilgeria, - - - - - - .285 + Carbonate de Bilgique, - - - - - - .750 + Silica Bilgica, - - - - - - - - - 1.955 + Hydro-sulp-Bil, - - - - - - - - - .28 + +Twenty thousand grains of the water would contain less of the above +element than fifty thousand grains, which ought to be mentioned as +another one of the remarkable peculiarities of this most remarkable +fluid." + +I sent the foregoing scientific deductions to the "Resident Physician," +and the bearer told me afterwards that the venerable Esculapian only +observed,--"Well, the writer of that must have been a most egregious +ass. There is no such thing as 'Sulphate of Bilgerius,' or 'Silica +Bilgica,' or anything like them", and then the old fellow chuckled to +himself over my supposed ignorance. I was willing he should. I'm +accustomed to being called an ass, and always like to be recognized by +my kindred. Chemically thine, + +SULPHURO. + + * * * * * + +COOL, IF NOT COMFORTABLE. + +Apropos of complications arising out of the late Navy Appropriation Law, +a daily paper states as follows: + +"The decision of the Attorney General now forces him to turn the balance +into the Treasury, and the sailors have to go unclothed." + +How this decision will affect recruiting for our navy yet remains to be +seen, though it is probable that but few civilized men can be found to +join a service in which nudity is obligatory. In such torrid weather as +we are having, JACK ashore with nothing on, except, perhaps, a Panama +hat, will be a novel and refreshing object--but how about the police? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAW VERSUS LAWLESSNESS. THE VIRTUOUS ALLIES OF THE NEW +YORK "SUN" ENGAGED IN THEIR CONGENIAL OCCUPATION OF THROWING DIRT.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON BASE BALL. + +A Match Game between Centenarians.--"Roomatix" vs. "Bloostockin's." + +The veterans of the war of 1812 of this place, organized a base ball +club. + +It was called the "Roomatix base ball club." + +A challinge was sent to the "Bloo stockin' base ball club," an old man's +club in an adjoinin' town. They met last week to play a match game. + +It required rather more macheenery than is usually allowed in this grate +nashunal game of chance. + +For instance: The pitchers haden't very good eye-site, and were just as +liable to pitch a ball to "2nd base," as to "Home base." + +To make a sure thing of it, a big long tin tube was made, on the +principle of the Noomatic tunnel under Broadway, New York. A large +thing, like a molasses funnel, was made, onto the end facin' the +pitcher. + +The old man ceased the ball and pitched it into the brod openin'. The +raceway was slantin' downwards, towords the "_Homebase._" The batter +stood at his post, with an ear trumpet at his ear, and a wash-bord in +his two hands holdin' onto the handles. + +When he heard the ball come rollin' down the tin, he would "muff" it +with his wash-bord. Then the excitement would begin. The "striker" would +start off and go feelin' about the "field" for the base, while the +"outs" got down onto their bands and knees and went huntin' for the +ball. + +Sometimes a "fielder," whose sense of feelin' wasen't very acute, got +hold of a cobble stun, then he would waddle, and grope his way about, to +find the base. But I tell you it was soothin' fun for the old men. + +After lookin' 20 minuts for a ball, then findin' the base before the +batter did, who just as like as not had strayed out into another lot, it +made the old fellers laff. + +Sometimes two players would run into each other and go tumblin' over +together. Then the "Umpire" would go and get them onto their pins agin, +and give 'em a fresh start. + +On each side of this interestin' match game, was two old men who went on +crutches. + +It was agreed, as these men coulden't run the bases, that a man be +blindfolded and wheel these aged cripples about the bases in a +wheel-barrer. + +The minnit these old chaps would "strike," they dropped their crutches, +and the umpire would dump them into the _vehicle,_ and away went mister +striker. + +A player was bein' wheeled this way once, and the "outs" was down onto +their marrow-bones tryin' to find the ball, when a splash! was heard. +The wheel-barrer man had run his cart into a goose pond, and made a +scatterin' among the geese. + +"Fowl!" cride the Umpire. + +The wheel-barrer man drew his lode ashore. + +"Out!" hollers the Umpire. + +And another victim went to the wash-bord. + +Bets were offered 2 to one, that "The Roomatixs" would _pass_ more +balls--on their hands and knees--than the "Bloostockin's." These bets +were freely taken--by obligin' stake-holders. + +A friend of the "Bloostockin's" jumped upon a pile of stuns and said: + +"15 to 10 'the Roomatix' have got more _blinds_ than the +'Bloostockin's.'" + +No takers--I guess he would have won his bet, for just at this juncture +a "Roomatix" was at the bat. + +The Umpire moved his head. + +The old man thought it was the ball, and he "muffed" the "Umpire's" head +with his wash-bord. + +The Umpire turned suddenly and wanted to know: "Who was firin' spit +balls at his back hair?" + +One "innins," the ball was rolled through, it struck the batter in the +rite eye. + +"Out on rite eye," cride the Umpire, and the batter was minus an eye. + +Next man to the bat. + +His eyes were gummy. He coulden't see the ball. + +He heard the ball rollin'. + +He raised his wash-board. + +His strength gave way. + +Down came the bat, and the handle of the wash-bord entered his eye. + +"Out! on the left eye," screams the Umpire. + +Old man No. 3 went to the wash-bord. + +The ball came tearin' along. + +It was a little too swift for the old man.--Rather too much "English" +into it. It "Kissed" and made a "scratch," strikin' the "Cushion" +between the old man's eyes. + +This gave him the "cue." Tryin' to make a "draw" with the wash bord, so +as to "Uker" the ball, and "checkmate" the other club, he was +"distansed," and his spectacles went flyin', smashin' the glass and +shuttin' off his eyesite. + +"Out! agin," bellers the Umpire. + +This was the first _Blind_ innin's for the "Roomatix." + +The "Bloostockin's" bein' told how this innin's stood, by addressin' +them through their ear-trumpets, made a faint effort to holler +"Whooray!" + +And, I am grieved to say it, one by-stander, who diden't understand the +grate nashunal game, wanted to know: + +"What in thunder them old dry bones was cryin' about" + +It was a crooel remark, altho' the old men, not bein' used to hollerin' +much, and not havin' any teeth, did make rather queer work tryin' to +holler. + +Ime sorry to say, the game wasen't finished. + +Refreshments were served at the end of this innin's, consistin' of +Slippery Elm tea and water gruel. + +The old men eat harty. + +This made them sleepy, and the consequence was, that the minnit they was +led out on the grass, "Sleep, barmy sleep," got the best of 'em, and +they laid down and slept like infants. + +Both nines were then loaded onto stone botes and drawn off of the field. + +The friends of both sides _drew_ their stake money, and the Umpire, +_drawin'_ a long breath, declared the match a _draw_ game. + +Basely Ewers, HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Bad Eggs. + + +The following suggestive item appears in an evening paper: + +"Illinois boasts of chickens hatched by the sun." + +Well, New York can beat Illinois at that game. The chickens hatched by +the _Sun_, here, are far too numerous for counting, and they are curses +of the kind that will assuredly "come home to roost." + + * * * * * + +Disagreeable, but True. + + +The restoration of the Bourbon dynasty is reckoned possible in France. + +In this country the Bourbon die-nasty has never been played out. It is a +malignant disease, sometimes known as _delirium tremens._ + + * * * * * + +Musical. + + +Mlle. Silly, the daily papers inform us, has been engaged for the Grand +Opera House in _opera bouffe_, and will make her _début_ about the +middle of September. The lady should not be confounded with any of our +New York "girls of the period" who bear, (or ought to bear,) her name. + + * * * * * + +Caution to Readers. + + +Seven steady business men of this city, four solid capitalists of +Boston, eighteen Frenchmen residents of the United States, but doing +business nowhere, and a German butcher in the Bowery, have just been +added to sundry lunatic asylums, their intellects having become +hopelessly deranged from reading the conflicting telegrams about the war +in Europe. + + * * * * * + +A Parallel. + + +In one of the reports of the Coroner's investigation of the Twenty-third +street murder, it was mentioned that "Several ladies and some young +children occupied chairs within the railing." + +When REAL was hanged, it was noticeable that a great number of women +appeared in the morbid crowd that surrounded the Tombs, many of them +with small children in their arms. + +Fifth Avenue and Five Points! Six of one and half-a-dozen of the other! +Blood _will_ tell! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HAZARD OF THE HORSE-CARS. + +THIS IS STUBBS, (_an incorrigible old bachelor_,) WHO TAKES AN OPEN CAB, +FOR GREENWOOD, AND IS COMPELLED TO DO THE WHOLE DISTANCE SO. + +Illustration: AND THIS IS THE WAY IN WHICH DOBBS, WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN +DELIGHTED WITH STUBB'S LUCK, IS MADE TO SUFFER MARTYRDOM ON _his_ +LITTLE EXCURSION] + + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO V. + + "Let's go to bed," says Sleepy Head, + "Tarry awhile," says Slow; + "Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut, + "We'll sup before we go." + +These lines the observant student of nursery literature will perceive +are satirical. Was there ever a poet who was not satirical? How could he +be a genius and not be able to point out the folly he sees around him +and comment upon it. In this case, the poor poet,--who lived in a +roseate cloud-land of his own, not desiring such mundane things as sleep +and food, was undoubtedly troubled and plagued to death by having +brothers and sisters who were of the earth, earthy; and who never +neglected on opportunity to laugh at his poems; to squirt water on him +when in the heavenly mood, his eyes in frenzy rolling; to put spiders +down his back; to stick pins in his elbows when writing; or upset his +inkstand. + +Fine natures always have a deal to bear, in this world, from the coarse, +unfeeling natures that cannot appreciate their delicacy; and this one +had more than his share. + +Many a time has he been goaded to frenzy by the cruel sneers and jokes +of those who should have been proud of his talents; and rushed with +wild-eyed eagerness down to the gentle frog pond, intending there to +bury his sorrows beneath its glassy surface. He saw in imagination the +grief-stricken faces of those cruel ones as they gazed upon his cold +corpus, with his damp locks clinging to his noble brow, the green slimy +weeds clasped in his pale hands, and the mud oozing from his pockets and +the legs of his pants; and he gloried in the remorse and anguish they +would feel when they knew that the Poet of the family was gone forever. + +All this he pictured as he stood on the bank, and, while thinking, the +desire to plunge in grew smaller by degrees and beautifully less, till +at last it vanished entirely, and he concluded he had better go home, +finish his book first and drown himself afterwards, if necessary. It +would make much more stir in the world, and his name and works might +live forever. + +A happy thought strikes him as he slowly meanders homeward. He would +have revenge. He would punish these wretches by handing down--to +posterity their peculiarities. He would put it in verse and have it +printed in his book, and then they'd see that even the gentle worm could +turn and sting. + +Ah! blessed thought. He flies to his garret bedroom, seizes his +goose-quill and paper, and sits down. What shall he write about? He +nibbles the feather end of his pen, plunges the point into the ink, +looks at it intently to see if he has hooked up an idea, sees none, and +falls to nibbling again. Ah! now he has it. There is TOM, the +dunderhead, who is always sleepy and he will put that down about him. +Squaring his shoulders, he writes: + + "Let's go to bed," says Sleepy Head. + +Gleefully he rubs his hands. Won't that cut TOM. Ah! Ha! I guess TOM +won't say much more about staring at the moon. Now for DICK, the old +stupid. What shall he say about him? The end of the pen diminishes +slowly but surely, and then he writes: + + "Tarry awhile," says Slow. + +That will answer for DICK. Now let him give HARRY something scorching, +withering, and cutting--so that he'll never open his mouth again unless +it is to put something in it. Oh, that is it, he is always hungry--rub +him on that. He thinks intently. Determination shows in every line of +his face; the pen is almost gone only an inch remains, and then the Poet +masters his subject. He has got the last two lines. + + "Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut, + "We'll sup before we go." + +He throws down the stump of the pen and bounces up. His object in life +is accomplished; he is master of the situation, now, and holds the trump +card. See the quiet smile' and knowing look as he folds the paper up, +and thrusts it into his pocket. He is going down-stairs to read it to +the family. Now is the time for sweet revenge and for the overthrow of +those Philistines, his brothers. He descends slowly, like an avenging +angel, enters the room, and--gentle reader, imagine the rest. + + * * * * * + +Masculine or Feminine? + +It now seems that the new and terrible fagot-gun used in the French army +is to be spoken of in the feminine gender--_mitrailleuse_ instead of +_mitrailleur_, as hitherto spelt by correspondents. That a virago is +sometimes termed a "spit-fire" we all know, but that is hardly reason +enough to excuse the French for such a lapse of gallantry as calling a +thunderous and fatal implement of war by a soft feminine name. Let them +stick to _mitrailleur_. Yet we would not rashly throw the other word +away. _Mitrailleuse_ would be a capital acquisition to the English +language, and very handy for any man having a vixen of a wife, with no +nice pet name convenient with which to conciliate her. + + * * * * * + +A Ridiculous Rub-a-dub. + +A quiet gentleman who occupies lodgings immediately opposite one of the +city armories, writes to us asking whether the drum corps that practice +there two or three evenings in the week should not be supplied with +noiseless drums, as PUNCHINELLO has suggested regarding the street +organs. PUNCHINELLO thinks the suggestion a good one. He would like to +see the beating of drums after night-fall abolished altogether In fact, +it is the only kind of Dead Beat to which he would lend his countenance. + + * * * * * + +A Clear Case. + +Some wiseacre has been trying to demonstrate, through the public press, +that POE did not write "The Raven." + +The man must be a Raven lunatic. + + * * * * * + +THE BALLARD OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY, AGED TEN, AND HIS BAD BROTHER. + +An obituary notice of a boy, 10 years old, in _The Wilmington +Commercial_, contains the following statement: "In his dying moments he +charged his brother WILLIAM not to dance, or sing any more songs. +Funeral services preached by the Rev WM. R. TUBB." + + This pious Boy lay on his bed, + A dying very fast; + 'Most every word this good Boy said, + They thought 'twould be his last. + + The Reverend Mr. TUBB was there, + A praying very slow; + It was a solemn, sad affair; + Twas plain the Boy must go. + + His brother WILLIAM:, he come o'er, + To which this good Boy cried, + "Oh, BILL, don't sing nor dance no more!" + And following which he died. + + Now WILLIAM, he had learnt a song + That pleased him very much: + He didn't know that it was wrong + To carol any such. + + He said he couldn't leave it go, + Not if he was to die; + And that same song, as all should know, + Was called by him, "Shoo Fly." + + He was informed by Mr. TUBBS + That he would fall down dead, + Or else get killed by stones or clubs, + With that thing in his head. + + But, such is life! Poor WILLIAM went + And sung his Shoo Fly o'er: + Not knowing that he would be sent + Where Shoo Flies are no more, + + He was a singing, one wet day, + And likewise dancing too, + When lightning took his sole away-- + Let this warn me and you! + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE CENSUS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I have always been in favor of the Census, the system +is questionable, perhaps, though that depends on how you like it. I have +found that it answers very well where the parties are highly +intelligent-like myself, for example. + +I drew up the following proclamation to read to the U.S. official in my +district: + +_Q._ What is your name? _A_ SARSFIELD YOUNG. What is yours? + +_Q._ What is your age? _A._ A., being asked how old he was, replied: If +I live as long again, and half as long again, and two years and a +half,--how old shall I be? + +_Q._ Where is your residence? _A._ I live at home with the family, have +often thought that, amid pleasures and palaces, there is no place like +home, unless it be a boarding house with hot and cold water. + +_Q._ What is your occupation? _A._ Taxpayer. This takes my whole time + +_Q._ Where were you born? _A._ Having made no minute of it at the time, +it has passed out of my memory. + +_Q._ What kind of a house do you live in? _A._ A mortgaged house, +painted flesh color, a front exposure, brick windows and a brass +lightning rod. A good deal of back yard, (and back rent,) to it. + +_Q._ At what age did your grandfather die? _A._ If he died last night, +(I saw him yesterday at a horse race,) he was turning ninety-eight, +perhaps he got tipped over in the turn. + +_Q._ Do you hold any official position: if so, what? _A._ Inspector of +fish,--every Friday. + +_Q._ Are you insured? A. I am agent for half a dozen companies. So are +all my neighbors. My life is insured against fire for several thousands. + +_Q._ Are you troubled with chilblains? _A._ Quitely. I soak my feet in +oil of vitriol. + +_Q._ Were you in the war? _A._ I have the scar on my arm which I got in +the service. I was vaccinated severely, while clerk to a substitute +broker at Troy, N. Y. + +_Q._ Are you a graduate of any College. _A._ Yes, of one. I forget which +one. I only remember that I was one of the most remarkable men they ever +turned out. + +_Q._ Have you suffered from the potato rot? _A,_ Not myself. My uncle +had it bad. He found that whiskey and warm water was a very good thing. +I've made an independent discovery of the same fact, also. + +_Q._ Are you in favor of Free Trade or Protection? _A_. I can only say +that, if elected, gentlemen, I shall endeavor to do my whole duty. I am. + +_Q._ What do you think of deep plowing? _A._ In a scanty population, I +should say it has a bad effect. I can recommend it, however, in a sandy +soil, where school privileges are first-class. + +_Q._ Does anything else occur to you which it is important for the +Government to know? _A._ Yes: a hay fever occurs to me regularly once a +year. I have no policy to enforce against the will of the people: Still +I would call the attention of the medicine-loving public to my friend +Dr. EZRA CUTLER'S "Noon-day Bitters." For ringing in the ears, loss of +memory, bankruptcy, teething, and general debility, they are without a +rival. No family should live more than five minutes walk from a bottle. +They gild the morning of youth, cherish manhood, and comfort old age, +with the name blown on the bottle in plain letters. Beware of +impositions--at all respectable druggists. + +* * I believe in taking things easy, and I shall cheerfully assist the +Administration, when it calls at my door on Census business. + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +Facilis Descensus + +The daily papers frequently have articles respecting the "Hell Gate +Obstructions." We do not, however, remember having seen that subject +handled in the _Sun._ Perhaps it is that DANA and DYER, conscious of +their deserts, do not anticipate any obstructions in that quarter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARISTOCRACY IN THE KITCHEN. + +_Lady_, (responsively.) "THAT FASHIONABLY DRESSED WOMAN WHO HAS JUST +PASSED, DEAR? OH, THAT'S MY COOK, TAKING HER SUNDAY WITH THE GROCER'S +YOUNG MAN. SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES ME ON SUCH OCCASIONS."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT SHALL WE CALL IT? + +Having made up my mind to become a novelist, I naturally studied the +productions of my predecessors, and found out, I assure you, in a very +brief period of time, the little tricks of the trade. As I do not wish +to have the business flooded with neophytes, I refrain from informing +your readers how every man can become his own novel writer. One very +curious thing, however, which I discovered, I will here relate. + +I was very much puzzled by the curious titles which novelists selected +for their books, and very much annoyed by my inability to discover where +they picked them up. I persevered, however, and discovered that they +found them in the daily papers. In fact, I shrewdly suspect that I have +discovered, in these veracious sheets, the very incidents which +suggested the names of a number of volumes. Let me place before you the +extracts, which I have culled from the papers. + +_"Put Yourself in his Place."_--READE. + +"Yesterday morning an unknown man was found hanging from the limbs of a +tree in JONES' Wood. He was quite dead when discovered." + +_"Red as a Rose is She."_ + +"Bridget Flynn was arrested for vagrancy. When brought before the Court +she was quite drunk. She had evidently been a hard drinker for years, as +her face was of a brilliant carmine color." + +_"Man and Wife."_ COLLINS. + +"Married.--At Salt Lake City, on the 1st day of August, 1870, BRIGHAM +YOUNG, Esq., to Miss LETITIA BLACK, Mrs. SUSAN BROWN and Miss JENNIE +SMITH." + +_"What will he do with it?"_ BULWER. + +"It is stated by the police authorities, that the description of Mr. +NATHAN'S watch has been spread so widely, that the robber will be unable +to dispose of it to any jeweler or pawnbroker." + +_"Our Mutual Friend"_--DICKENS. + +"England is supplying both France and Prussia with horses." + +_"John."_--Mrs. OLIPHANT. + +"Mr. SAMPSON has sent to California for another cargo of Chinese +shoemakers." + +_"Friends in Council."_--HELPS. + +"Mr. Drew and Mr. Fisk were closeted together for more than an hour +yesterday." + +_"A Tale of Two Cities."_--DICKENS. + +"The census will show that our city has a population of at least +500,000."--_Chicago paper._ + +"St Louis has undoubtedly a population of 400,000."--_St. Louis paper._ + +"Chicago, 300,000; St. Louis, 190,000."--_Census returns._ + +_"Stern Necessity."_--F.W. ROBINSON. + +"It is stated that a well-known yacht failed to win the prize in the +late race, because her rudder slipped out of her fastenings and was +lost." + + * * * * * + +ITEMS FROM OUR RURAL REPORTERS. + +A German farmer, living not one hundred miles from Cincinnati, is +raising trichinated pork for the supply of the French army. + +The artist who drew the Newfoundland dog (out of the water,) at Newport, +R.I., has received a medal from the Royal Humane Society of England, on +condition that he will not Meddle with dogs any more. + +Near Ashland, in Virginia, a spring has been discovered that runs +chicken soup. So great was the commotion in culinary arrangements, when +the discovery was made public, that "the dish ran after the spoon." + +The curious crustacean known as the "fiddler crab" is unusually numerous +in the marshes of Long Island, this summer. It differs from impecunious +persons inasmuch as it is a burrowing, not a borrowing, creature. It +differs from ordinary fiddlers by two letters, in that it bores the +earth, but not the ear. + +It is an established fact that persona who sleep on mattresses stuffed +with pigeon's feathers never die. Near Salem, Mass., there is now a +woman nearly two hundred years old, who has been bed-ridden and confined +to a pigeon-feather bed for one hundred and fifty years. One of her +descendants a shrewd man-has discovered that the pigeon feathers are +growing musty, and proposes to replace them with the plumage of geese. + +There is a wild man at large in the woods of Sullivan County, N.Y. He +was once a fast man of New York City, and is so fast, still, that nobody +can catch him. + +A gentleman residing in the vicinity of Glen Cove had a Newfoundland dog +that was very expert at catching lobsters. The faithful animal has been +missing for some time, but a clue to its fate was yesterday obtained by +its owner, who found the brass collar of the dog inside a large lobster +with which he was about to construct a salad. + +An English nobleman has taken up his residence in the centre of the +Dismal Swamp, Va. Blighted affections are supposed to be the cause of +his trouble, as he always wears at the top buttonhole of his coat a +_chignon_ made of red hair. + + * * * * * + +"That's what's the Matter." + +Among the lectures announced for the coming season is Mrs. CECILIA +BURLEIGH'S "Woman's right to be a Woman." We quite agree with Mrs. +BURLEIGH'S remark. Woman _is_ right to be a woman, but the matter just +now is that woman wants to be a man. + + * * * * * + +Couplet from a Shaker Song. + + + O! Mr. President, you'll have to keep on pegging + At this English Mission, which seems to go a-begging. + Hi! yi! yi! etc. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Respectfully call the attention of their Customers and | + | Strangers to their attractive Stock | + | | + | OF | + | | + | SUMMER AND FALL | + | | + | DRESS SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | Striped, Checked and Chine | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard; | + | value $1.50 to $3 | + | | + | PLAIN FOULARD, | + | | + | $1.50, value $2 per yard. | + | 24 inch Black and White | + | Striped $1.75; value $2.50. | + | | + | STRIPED SATINS, | + | | + | $1.25; value $2. | + | | + | Plain and Striped Japanese, | + | | + | 75c. and $1 per yard. | + | | + | Rich White and Colored Dress Satins, | + | | + | Extra Quality. | + | | + | A CHOICE LINE OF | + | | + | PLAIN GRAINS, | + | | + | for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3; | + | value $3 to $3.50 per yard. | + | | + | A FEW EXTRA RICH | + | | + | SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN SILKS, | + | | + | Black and Colored, $2. | + | | + | JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH | + | | + | SILKS. | + | | + | GREAT BARGAINS. | + | | + | A COMPLETE STOCK | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | PLAIN AND STRIPED | + | | + | GAZE DE CHAMBREY, | + | | + | Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering several lots of | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPING GOODS | + | | + | MUCH BELOW | + | | + | COST OF IMPORTATION. | + | | + | 5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK | + | NAPKINS, from $1 to $3.50 per doz. | + | | + | DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from | + | $1.50 to $2.75 each. | + | | + | Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all | + | linen, from 40 to 75c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per | + | yard. | + | | + | PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard | + | | + | LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, | + | at $2.5O and upward. | + | | + | Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 | + | per doz. and upward. | + | | + | Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 | + | per yard and upward. | + | | + | Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard | + | pieces, $3.25 per piece. | + | | + | Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery | + | Diapers, various widths, at $1 per piece | + | below Current prices. | + | | + | MARSEILLES | + | | + | QUILTS AND BLANKETS, | + | | + | AT LOW PRICES. | + | | + | Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13x18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: CROCODILE TEARS.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared. | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION | + | | + | OR | + | | + | Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St. Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St, New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," | + | "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the | + | world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of | + | stamp. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | P.O. Box 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO | + | BY ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found at the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | + | Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau | + | St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Geo. W. Wheat & Co. Printers, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, +September 3, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10017 *** diff --git a/10017-h/10017-h.htm b/10017-h/10017-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..80cec10 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/10017-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1984 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. 23.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10017 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by<br> + </p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img alt="Carbolic Salve" src="images/01a.jpg"> + <p>Recommended by Physicians.</p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS</p> + <p>SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p><b>PRICE 25 CENTS</b>.</p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/01.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 23.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="6"> + <p><big><big><big><b>$47,000 REWARD.</b></big></big></big></p> + <p>PROCLAMATION.</p> + <p><b>The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan</b>.</p> + <p>The widow having determined to increase the rewards heretofore +offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), and no result having yet +been obtained, and suggestions having been made that the rewards were +not sufficiently distributive or specific, the offers in the previous +proclamation are hereby superseded by the following:</p> + <p>A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and conviction +of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was killed in hie house, No. 12 +West Twenty-third Street, New York, on the morning of Friday, July 29.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt Studs which +were taken from the clothing of the deceased on the night of the +murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and +1-16 carats, and the other, a flat stone, showing nearly a surface of +one carat, weighed 3/4 and 1-32. All three were mounted in skeleton +settings, with spiral screws, but the color of the gold setting of the +flat diamond was not so dark as the other two.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor Hunting-case +Stem-winding Watch, No. 5657, 19 lines, or about two inches in +diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for the Chain and Seals thereto +attached. The Chain is very massive, with square links, and carries a +Pendant Chain with two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," +cut thereon.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to the +identification and recovery of an old-fashioned open-faced Gold Watch, +with gold dial, showing rays diverging from the center, and with raised +figures; believed to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at +the same time as the above articles.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold +Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears an +inscription of presentation not precisely known, but believed to be +either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the Jews' Hospital," or, "To +Benjamin Nathan, President of the Jews' Hospital."</p> + <p>A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete detailed +information descriptive of this medal, which may be useful in securing +its recovery.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to +the identification of the instrument used in committing the murder, +which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece of wrought iron +about sixteen inches long, turned up for about an inch at each end, and +sharp; such as is used by ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, +ladder-makers, pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their +flasks.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the morning +of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick up a piece of +paper lying there, and then walk away with it, if he will come forward +and produce it.</p> + <p>Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the +Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New York; or to +James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer.</p> + <p>A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR.</p> + <p>The foregoing rewards are offered by the request of, and are +guaranteed by me.</p> + <p>Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN,</p> + <p>Widow of B. NATHAN.</p> + <p>The following reward has also been offered by the New York +Stock Exchange:</p> + <p>$10,000.—The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten +Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the murderer or +murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of said Exchange, who was +killed on the night of July 28, 1870, at his house in Twenty-third +street. New York City.</p> + <p>J. L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman</p> + <p>Gov. Com.</p> + <p>D. C. HAYS, Treasurer.<br> +B. O. WHITE, Secretary.<br> +MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870.</p> + </td> + <td> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;">TO NEWS-DEALERS.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>Punchinello's +Monthly.</big></big></p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">The Weekly Numbers for July.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;"><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover</b>,</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Supplied by the</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;"> <big>AMERICAN +NEWS COMPANY,</big></p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Who are now prepared to receive +Orders.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>FORST & AVERELL</b></p> + <p><b>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres</b></p> + <p><b>PRINTERS</b>,</p> + <p><b>EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS</b>.</p> + <p>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</p> + <b>23 Platt Street, and<br> +20-22 Gold Street</b>,<br> +[P.O. Box 2845.]<br> +NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FOLEY'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></p> + <p>THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + <p><b>256 BROADWAY</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + <br> + </big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <br> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <br> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <br> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i></p> + <p>REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <br> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b><big><big>$2</big></big><br> +to ALBANY and TROY</b>.</big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew</b>, +commencing May 31, will leave vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs</b>. Fare <b>$4.25</b> from New York and for +Cherry Valley. The Steamboat <b>Seneca</b> will transfer passengers +from Albany to Troy.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J.M. Sprague</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Is the Authorized Agent</span> +of</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + <p><small>For the</small></p> + <p>New England States,</p> + <p>To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassors.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p>Draughtsman & Designer</p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small><br> + </small> </div> + <hr style="width: 45%; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small><br> + </small> </div> + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>Entered, according to Act +of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, +in the Clerk's Office<br> +of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District +of New York.</small></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD:</b></p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p>CHAPTER XVI.</p> + <p>AVUNCULAR DEVOTIO</p> + <p>Having literally <i>fallen</i> asleep from his chair to the +rug, J. BUMSTEAD, Esquire, was found to have reached such an +extraordinary depth in slumber, that Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, his landlord +and landlady, who were promptly called in by Mr. DIBBLE, had at first +some fear that they should never be able to drag him out again. In +pursuance, however, of a mode of treatment commended to their judgment, +by frequent previous practice with the same patient, the good couple +poured a pitcher of water over his fallen head; hauled him smartly up +and down the room, first by a hand and then by a foot; singed his +whiskers with a hot poker, held him head-downward for a time, and tried +various other approved allopathic remedies. Seeing that he still slept +profoundly, though appearing, by occasional movements of his arms, to +entertain certain passing dreams of single combats, the quick womanly +wit of Mrs. SMYTHE finally hit upon the homoeopathic expedient of +softly shaking his familiar antique flask at his right ear. Scarcely +had the soft, liquid sound therefrom resulting been addressed for a +minute to the auricular orifice, when a singularly pleasing smile +wreathed the countenance of the Ritualistic organist, his eyelids flew +up like the spring-covers of two valuable hunting-case watches, and he +suddenly arose to a sitting position upon the rug and began feeling +around for the bed-clothes.</p> + <p>"There!" cried Mrs. SMYTHE, greatly affected by his pathetic +expression of countenance, "you're all right now, sir. How worn-out you +must have been, to sleep so!"</p> + <p>"Do you always go to sleep with such alarming suddenness?" +asked Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>"When I have to go anywhere, I make it a rule to go at +once:—similarly, when going to sleep," was the answer. "Excuse me, +however, for keeping you waiting, Mr. DIBBLE. We've had quite a rain, +sir."</p> + <p>His hair, collar, and shoulders being very wet from the water +which had been poured upon him during his slumber, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in his +present newly-awake frame of mind, believed that a hard shower had +taken place, and thereupon turned moody.</p> + <p>"We've had quite a rain, sir, since I saw you last," he +repeated, gloomily, "and I am freshly reminded of my irreparable loss."</p> + <p>"Such an open, spring-like character!" apostrophized the +lawyer, staring reflectively into the grate.</p> + <p>"Always open when it rained, and closing with a spring," said +Mr. BUMSTEAD, in soft abstraction lost.</p> + <p>"<i>Who</i> closed with a spring?" queried the elder man, +irascibly.</p> + <p>"The umbrella," sobbed JOHN BUMSTEAD.</p> + <p>"I was speaking of your nephew, sir!" was Mr. DIBBLE'S +impatient explanation.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD stared at him sorrowfully for a moment, and then +requested Mrs. SMYTHE to step to a cupboard in the next room and +immediately pour him out a bottle of soda-water which she should find +there.</p> + <p>"Won't you try some?" he asked the lawyer, rising limply to +his feet when the beverage was brought, and drinking it with +considerable noise.</p> + <p>"No, thank you," returned Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>"As you please, then," said the organist, resignedly. "Only, +if you have a headache don't blame me. (Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, you may +place a few cloves where I can get them, and retire.) What you have +told me, Mr. DIBBLE, concerning the breaking of the engagement between +your ward and my nephew, relieves my mind of a load. As a +right-thinking man, I can no longer suspect you of having killed EDWIN +DROOD."</p> + <p>"Suspect ME?" screamed the aged lawyer, almost leaping into +the air.</p> + <p>"Calm yourself," observed Mr. BUMSTEAD, quietly, the while he +ate a sedative clove. "I say that I can <i>not</i> longer suspect you. +I can not think that a person of your age would wantonly destroy a +human life merely to obtain an umbrella."</p> + <p>Absolutely purple in the face, Mr. DIBBLE snatched his hat +from a chair just as the Ritualistic organist was about to sit upon it, +and was on the point of hurrying wrathfully from the room, when the +entrance of Gospeler SIMPSON arrested him.</p> + <p>Noting his agitation, Mr. BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear +him from suspicion in the new-comer's mind also.</p> + <p>"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad +affair we must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be +as innocent as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor +is concerned, I wholly acquit him of all guilty knowledge of my nephew +and umbrella."</p> + <p>Too apoplectic with suffocating emotions to speak, Mr. DIBBLE +foamed slightly at the month and tore out a lock or two of his hair.</p> + <p>"And I believe that my unhappy pupil, Mr. PENDRAGON, is as +guiltless," responded the puzzled Gospeler. "I do not deny that he had +a quarrel with Mr. DROOD, in the earlier part of their acquaintance; +but, as you, Mr. BUMSTEAD, yourself, admit, their meeting at the +Christmas-Eve dinner was amicable; as I firmly believe their last +mysterious parting to have been."</p> + <p>The organist raised his fine head from the shadow of his right +hand, in which it had rested for a moment, and said, gravely: "I cannot +deny, gentlemen, that I have had my terrible distrusts of you all. Even +now, while, in my deepest heart, I release Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. PENDRAGON +from all suspicion, I cannot entirely rid my mind of the impression +that you, Mr. SIMPSON, in an hour when, from undue indulgence in +stimulants, you were not wholly yourself, may have been tempted, by the +superior fineness of the alpaca, to slay a young man inexpressibly dear +to us all."</p> + <p>"Great heavens, Mr. BUMSTEAD!" panted the Gospeler, livid with +horror, "I never—"</p> + <p>—"Not a word, sir!" interrupted the Ritualistic organist,—"not +a word, Reverend sir, or it may be used against you at your trial."</p> + <p>Pausing not to see whether the equally overwhelmed old lawyer +followed him, the horribly astounded Gospeler burst precipitately from +the house in wild dismay, and was presently hurrying past the pauper +burial-ground. Whether he had been drawn to that place by some one of +the many mystic influences moulding the fates of men, or because it +happened to be on his usual way home, let students of psychology and +topography decide. Thereby he was hurrying, at any rate, when a shining +object lying upon the ground beside the broken fence, caused him to +stop suddenly and pick up the glittering thing. It was an oroide watch, +marked E.D.; and, a few steps further on, a coppery-looking seal-ring +also attracted the finder's grasp. With these baubles in his hand the +genial clergyman was walking more slowly onward, when it abruptly +occurred to him, that his possession of such property might possibly +subject him to awkward consequences if he did not immediately have +somebody arrested in advance. Perspiring freely at the thought, he +hurried to his house, and, there securing the company of MONTGOMERY +PENDRAGON, conveyed his beloved pupil at once before Judge SWEENEY, and +made affidavit of finding the jewelry. The jeweler, who had wound EDWIN +DROOD'S watch for him on the day of the dinner, promptly identified the +timepiece by the innumerable scratches around the keyhole; Mr. +BUMSTEAD, though at first ecstatic with the idea that the seal-ring was +a ferule from an umbrella, at length allowed himself to be persuaded +into a gloomy recognition of it as a part of his nephew, and MONTGOMERY +was detained in custody for further revelations.</p> + <p>News of the event circulating, the public mind of +Bumsteadville lost no time in deploring the incorrigible depravity of +Southern character, and recollecting several horrors of human Slavery. +It was now clearly remembered that there had once been rumors of +terrible cruelties by a PENDRAGON family to an aged colored man of +great piety; who, because he incessantly sang hymns in the +cotton-field, was sent to a field farther from the PENDRAGON mansion, +and ultimately died. Citizens reminded each other, that when, during +the rebellion, a certain PENDRAGON of the celebrated Southern +Confederacy met a former religious chattel of his confronting him with +a bayonet in the loyal ranks, and immediately afterwards felt a cold, +tickling sensation under one of his ribs, he drew a pistol upon the +member of the injured race, who subsequently died in Ohio of fever and +ague. What wonder was it, then, that this young PENDRAGON with an +Indian club and a swelled head should secretly slaughter the nephew and +appropriate the umbrella of one of the most loyal and devoted +Ritualists that ever sent a substitute to battle? In the mighty +metropolis, too, the Great Dailies—those ponderous engines of varied +and inaccurate intelligence—published detailed and mistaken reports of +the whole affair, and had subtle editorial theories as to the nature of +the crime. The <i>Sun,</i> after giving a cut of an old-fashioned +parlor-grate as a diagram of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S house, and a portrait of +Mr. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG as a correct photograph of the alleged murderer +by ROCKWOOD, said:—"The retention of Mr. FISH as Secretary of State by +the present venal Administration, and the official countenance +otherwise corruptly given to friends of Spanish tyranny who do not take +the <i>Sun,</i> are plainly among the current encouragements to such +crime as that in the full reporting of which to-day the <i>Sun's</i> +advertisements are crowded down to a single page, as usual. Judge +CONNOLLY, after walking all the way from Yorkville, agrees with the <i>Sun</i> +in believing, that something more than an umbrella tempted this young +MONTMORENCY PADREGON to waylay EDWIN WOOD. To-morrow we shall give the +public still further exclusive revelations, such as the immense +circulation of the New York <i>Sun</i> enables us especially to +obtain. On this, as upon every occasion of the publication of the <i>Sun,</i> +we shall leave out columns upon columns of profitable advertising, in +order that no reader of the <i>Sun</i> shall be stinted in his +criminal news. The <i>Sun</i> (price two cents) has never yet been +bought by advertisers, and never will be." The <i>Tribune</i> said: +"What time the reader can spare from perusing our special dispatches +concerning the progress of Smalleyism in Europe, shall, undoubtedly, be +given to our female-reporter's account of the alleged tragedy at +Bumperville. There are reasons of manifest propriety to restrain us, as +superior journalists, from the sensational theorizing indulged by +editors choosing to expend more care and money upon local news than +upon European rumors; but we may not injudiciously hazard the +assumption, that, were the police under any other than Democratic +domination, such a murder as that alleged to have been committed by +MANTON PENJOHNSON on BALDWIN GOOD had not been possible. PENJOHNSON, it +shall be noticed, is a Southerner, while young GOOD was strongly +Northern in sentiment; and it requires no straining of a point to trace +in these known facts a sectional antagonism to which even a long war +has not yielded full sanguinary satiation." The <i>World</i> said: "<i>Acerrima +proximorum odia;</i> and, under the present infamous Radical abuse of +empire, the hatred between brothers, first fostered by the +eleutheromaniacs of Abolitionism, is bearing its bitter fruit of +private assassination at last. Somewhere amongst our <i>loci communes</i> +of to-day may be found a report of the supposed death, at +Hampsteadville (<i>not</i> Bumperville, as a radical contemporary has +it,) of a young Northerner named GOODWIN BLOOD, at the hands of a +Southern gentleman belonging to the stately old Southern family of +PENTORRENS. The PENTORRENS' are related, by old cavalier stock, to the +Dukes of Mandeville, whose present ducal descendant combines the +elegance of an Esterhazy with the intellect of an Argyle. That a scion +of such blood as this has reduced a fellow-being to a condition of +inanimate protoplasm, is to be regretted for his sake; but more for +that of a country in which the philosophy of COMTE finds in a corrupt +radical pantarchy all-sufficient first-cause of whatsoever is rotten in +the State of Denmark." The Times said: "We give no details of the +Burnstableville tragedy to-day, not being willing to pander to a +vitiated public taste; but shall do so to-morrow."</p> + <p>After reading these articles in the Great Dailies with +considerable distraction, and inferring therefrom, that at least three +different young Southerners had killed three different young +Northerners in three different places on Christmas-Eve, Judge SWEENEY +had a rush of blood to the brain, and discharged MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON +as a person of undistinguishable identity. But, when set at large, the +helpless youth could not turn a corner without meeting some bald-headed +reporter who raised the cry of "Stop thief!" if he sought to fly, and, +if he paused, interviewed him in a magisterial manner, and almost +tearfully implored him to Confess his crime in time for the Next +Edition.</p> + <p>Father DEAN, Ritual Rector of St. Cow's, meeting Gospeler +SIMPSON upon one of their daily strolls through the snow, said to him:</p> + <p>"This young man, your pupil, has sinned, it appears, and a +Ritualistic church, Mr. Gospeler, is no sanctuary for sinners."</p> + <p>"I cannot believe that the sin is his, Holy Father," answered +the Reverend OCTAVIUS, respectfully: "but, even if it is, and he is +remorseful for it, should not our Church cover him with her wings?"</p> + <p>"There are no wings to St. Cow's yet," returned the Father, +coldly,—"only the main building; and that is too small to harbor any +sinner who has not sufficient means to build a wing or two for himself."</p> + <p>"Then," said the Gospeler, bowing his head and speaking +slowly, "I suppose he must go to the Other Church."</p> + <p>"What Other church?"</p> + <p>The Gospeler raised his hat and spoke reverently:—</p> + <p>That which is all of God's world outside this little church of +ours. That in which the Altar is any humble spot pressed by the knees +of the Unfortunate. That in which the priest is whoso doeth a good, +unselfish deed, even if in the shadow of the scaffold. That in which +the anthem of visible charity for an erring brother sinks into the +listening soul an echo of an unseen Father's pity and forgiveness, and +the choral service is the music of kind words to all who ever found but +unkind words before."</p> + <p>"You must mean the Church of the Pooritans," said the Ritual +Rector.</p> + <p>So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to +seek harbor where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD +exhibited to Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary.</p> + <p>"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the +watch and seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, was the +temptation of the murderer. I now swear that I will no more discuss +either my nephew or my umbrella with any living soul, until I have +found once more the familiar boyish form and alpaca canopy, or brought +vengeance upon him through whom I am nephewless and without protection +in the rain."</p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>CHINCAPIN AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: When Oratory, rising to its loftiest flights +upon the wings of Buncombe, denounces with withering scorn the effete +and tyrannical monarchies of Europe, and proclaims the glorious fact +that this is a Free Country, Fellow Citizens! it hardly does us +justice. We are not only free, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, we are Free and Easy, +sir. Breathes there a man so tortuously afflicted with Strabismus that +he doesn't see it? If such there be let him go and visit the Oneida +Community.</p> + <p>Last week I took a run down to Oneida myself. I found the +Communists a very Social crowd, I can assure you. PROUDHON himself +might be proud of such disciples, and DESIDERANT find nothing there to +be Desiderated. The Communists divide everything equally, particularly +the Affections, so there are no Better Halves among them. In Utah, you +are aware, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, the women are Sealed to the men, but among +these people they are not even Wafered. Your Own IDA may be anybody +else's in the Oneida Community. The only individuals that object to +Dividing are the children, who are generally opposed to Division, both +long and Short, as well as to Fractions.</p> + <p>Infants don't go for much among the Free Lovers, and are Put +Out—to Nurse. After the age of Fifteen months they are surrendered by +their Ma's to the Charge of the Two Hundred (the number of men and +women in the Community,) who become their common parents, and the +infants become common property. The domestic arrangements are entrusted +to two females, who are called the "Mothers of the Community." But +whether these dual Mothers Do All the Nursing I am unable to say.</p> + <p>I had a little conversation with the Eminent and Aged Free +Lover who acted as my guide, and I give it in the manner of the +"interviewing reporter."</p> + <p>CHINC. Venerable Seer, tip us your views on the subject of +Love.</p> + <p>AGED FREE-LOVER Do you then take an Interest in our Principles?</p> + <p>CHINC. (Dubiously.) Then you <i>have</i>—</p> + <p>A. F. L. Yes, of our own. They are not those of a prejudiced +Wor-r-r-ld. Our principles are Embraced in the Communism of Love and +Passional Attraction.</p> + <p>CHINC. (Confidently.) Ah, yes; of course—you are Free Lovers.</p> + <p>A. F. L. Sir-r-r?</p> + <p>CHINC. (Much abashed.) Excuse me. I am young, inexperienced, +and but slightly acquainted with the Dictionary.</p> + <p>A. P. L. So I see. Know, young man, that we scorn and +repudiate the name of Free Lovers as applied to us by the newspapers. +It is true we believe that Love should be untrammelled by the Hateful +Bonds of Marriage. With us a Lady may have an affinity for any number +of gentlemen, and vice-versa. But we are not Free Lovers.</p> + <p>CHINC. Oh, no! Not by no means. Not any.</p> + <p>A. F. L. (Growing eloquent.) We have only advanced from the +simple to the more complex form of matrimony. Why should not the +faithfulness which constitutes the wretchedly exclusive dual Marriage +of the Wor-r-r-ld exist as well between Two Hundred as between two? Why?</p> + <p>CHINC. Why, O why? But there may be reasons—</p> + <p>A.F.L. Young Man, reared in the hateful prejudices of an +Unprogressive Wor-r-ld, there air none.</p> + <p>CHINC. This system, as you, Ancient Person, observe, is much +complexed. Do I, then, understand you that a woman may have fifty +affinities and yet be faithful to each?</p> + <p>A.F.L. Yes, my son, any number. This plurality of affinities +you of course cannot appreciate. A prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld cannot +understand the Bond of Union which connects all the Brothers and +Sisters in a Spiritual Marriage. The results of the complex system are—</p> + <p>CHINC. (Interrupting.) I—I—fear the complexity of your system +is one too many for me. I feel that my Brow cannot stand the pressure. +I must away. Farewell, old man—Adieu!</p> + <p>Such, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is briefly the Free and Easy Doctrine +of Natural Affinity and Passional Attraction. I have no doubt there are +some illiberal Persons who would give it a much harsher name. For +myself, I believe in the Biggest kind of Liberty, but not for the +Biggest kind of Libertines. Reverentially yours,</p> + <p>CHINCAPIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/05.jpg"> + <p><b>LACONIC, BUT EXPRESSIVE.</b></p> + <p>SCENE: NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE FIVE POINTS</p> + <p><i>First Ruffian.</i> "WHERE TO NOW, SNOOTY?"</p> + <p><i>Second Ditto.</i> "PICNIC."</p> + <p><i>First Ditto.</i> "WOTTERYER GOT IN YER LUNCH WALLET?"</p> + <p><i>Second Ditto.</i> "SLUNG SHOT."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>REJUVENATED FRANCE.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO has perused a draft of the next Constitution of +the French people, or of France, if that is better. Unwilling to give +it to his readers in full, at present, he considers himself authorized, +however, to cite a few paragraphs of it, which will be found both +original and interesting.</p> + <p>FIFTY-SEVENTH CONSTITUTION OF FRANCE. (One a year, more or +less.)</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 1. The French Nation is sovereign; the French +people are sovereign; sovereigns are sovereign; every Frenchman is +sovereign.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 2. All men are equal, but Frenchmen are +highly superior to all other men.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 3. In order to secure peace, it is decreed +and plebiscited that all governments shall have a chance. For the next +ten years, or less, the Orleans Dynasty shall rule; after that a +BONAPARTE for a few years; then a Republic, "democratic and social," as +long as it can keep on its legs. After that a second Republic, for a +twelvemonth at least. Then an old BOURBON, if one can be found. After +this, a military dictatorship; the army to decide its duration. At each +change the people will decide by plebiscit whether they want the +respective governments to be: <i>personal</i>, <i>legal</i>, or +neither.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 4.—But here we must stop.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Titans.</b></p> + <p>The <i>Liberté</i> says: "A lot of crazy fellows tried +to proclaim the republic at Toulouse." Now there are manifestly two +errors in this statement. The fellows alluded to were not Toulouse, but +too tight fellows. Moreover, if they really had been crazies, as the <i>Liberté</i> +supposes, they would have been instantly arrested and sent to Paris, +under guard, by the way of the Madder line, to await the action of the +Prefect of the Sane.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Astronomical.</b></p> + <p>A NEW Milky Way has been discovered. It is the way the milk +producers (farmers, not cows,) of Westchester County have of insisting +upon raising their charges for milk from four cents to five cents a +quart, wholesale. We fail to discern the milk of human kindness, here; +but it is clear that the milk in the cocoa-nuts of these farmers is +mighty sour.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>WHAT SIGERSON SAYS.</b></p> + <p>SIGERSON (Dr.) of the Royal Irish Academy, has gone and said +some mighty unpleasant things about the Atmosphere. How he found them +out, we can't say, (and we hope <i>he</i> can't:) but nevertheless, he +declares, with the most dreadful calmness, that if you go to visit the +Iron Works, you will inevitably breathe a great many hollow Balls of +Iron, say about one two thousandth of an inch in diameter! What these +rather diminutive ferruginous globules will do for you, we do not know; +but you can see for yourself, that with your lungs full of little iron +balls you must certainly be in a "parlous" state. We should say that we +had quite as lief have the air full of those iron spheres, termed +Cannon Balls, as it is now in France. It is true, one couldn't get many +of <i>these</i> inside one with impunity; and equally true, that +foundry men do manage to live, with all that iron in their lungs; but +we can't say we desire to "build up an Iron Constitution," as the P-r-n +S-r-p folks say, by the inhaling process.</p> + <p>But SIGERSON is not content to render the neighborhood of Iron +Works questionable to the delicate and apprehensive; in "shirt-factory +air" he declares, upon honor, "there are little filaments of linen and +cotton, with minute eggs" (goodness gracious!) "Threshing machines," he +more than insinuates, "fill the air with fibres, starch-grains and +spores," (spores! think of that;) and (what is truly ha(i)rrowing,) in +"stables and barber's shops" you cannot but breathe "scales and hairs." +Good Heavens!</p> + <p>What he says of printers and smokers is simply horrible; in +short, this dreadful SIGERSON has gone and made life a wretched and +lingering (to quote the sensitive Mrs. GAMP,) "progiss through this +mortial wale."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES.</b></p> + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacation.</b></p> + <p>When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no +particular outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to +comprehends only males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. +But when we go to the Adirondacks,—certainly a most extraordinary place +of summer resort,—we require an outfit which is as remarkable as the +region itself. Thoroughly understanding this necessity, Mr. PUNCHINELLO +made himself entirely ready for a life in the woods before he set out +for the Adirondack Mountains. Witness the completeness of his +preparations.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/06a.jpg"> </center> + <p>The railroad to the heart of this delightful resort is not yet +finished, and when Mr. P. had completed his long journey, in which the +excellence and abominabitity,—so to speak,—of every American form of +conveyance was exhibited, he was glad enough to see before him those +charming wilds which are gradually being tamed down by the well-to-do +citizens of New York and Boston. He found that it was necessary, in +order to enter the district, to pass through a gate in a high +pale-fence, and, to his surprise, he was informed that he must buy a +ticket before being allowed to proceed. On inquiry, he discovered that +the Reverend Mr. MURRAY, of Boston, claiming the whole Adirondack +region by right of discovery, had fenced it entirely in, and demanded +entrance money of all visitors.</p> + <p>This was bad, to be sure, but there was no help for it, and +Mr. P. bought his ticket and passed in.</p> + <img alt="" align="right" src="images/06b.jpg"> + <p>The Adirondack scenery is peculiar. In the first place, there +are no pavements or gravel walks.</p> + <p>This is a grievous evil, and should be remedied by Mr. MURRAY +as soon as possible. The majority of the paths are laid out in the +following manner.</p> + <p>The scenery, however, would be very fine if the bugs were +transparent.</p> + <p>The multitudes of insectivorous carnivora, which arose to +greet Mr. P., effectually prevented him from seeing anything more than +a yard distant.</p> + <p>But if this had been all, Mr. P. would not have uttered a word +of complaint. It was not all, by any means.</p> + <p>These hungry creatures, these black-flies; midges; mosquitoes; +yellow bloodsuckers; poison-bills; corkscrew-stingers; hook-tailed +hornets; and all the rest of them settled down upon him until they +covered him like a suit of clothes. A warmer welcome was never extended +to a traveller in a strange land.</p> + <img alt="" align="left" src="images/06c.jpg"> + <p>In case his readers should not be familiar with the animal, +the accompanying drawing will give an admirable idea of the celebrated +black-fly of the Adirondacks, which, with the grizzly bear and the +rattlesnake, occupies the front rank among American ferocious animals.</p> + <p>After travelling on foot for a day and a night; drenched by +rain; scorched by the sun; crippled by rocks and roots; frightened by +rattle-snakes and panthers; blistered and swollen by poisonous insects; +nearly starved; tired to death; and presenting the most pitiable +appearance in the world, Mr. P. reached the encampment of Mr. MURRAY, +proprietor and exhibitor of the Adirondacks.</p> + <p>Knowing that there was quite a large company in the camp, Mr. +P. was almost ashamed to show himself in such a doleful plight, but he +soon found that there was no need for any scruples on that account, as +they were all as wretched looking as himself.</p> + <p>Mr. MURRAY welcomed him cordially, and after building a +"smudge" around him to keep off the flies, he gave Mr. P. some Boston +brown-bread and a glass of pure water from a rill.</p> + <p>This, with a sip from Mr. P.'s little flask, revived him +considerably, and after a night's rest on the lee side of a tree, where +the rain did not wet him nearly so much as if he had been on the other +side, Mr. P. felt himself equal to the task of enjoying the Adirondacks.</p> + <p>That morning, Mr. MURRAY conducted a melancholy party of +disconsolate pleasure-seekers to a neighboring stream, where he +instructed them to fish for trout.. He told them they must revel in the +delights of the scene, and should tremble with the wild rapture of +drawing from the rushing waters the bounding trout.</p> + <p>Mr. P. tried very hard to do this. He put his prettiest fly +and his sharpest hook on his longest line, and, for hours, gently +whipped the ripples. At last a speckled representative of the American +National Game-fish took compassion on the patient fisherman and entered +into a contest of skill with him. (A friendly match, and no bets on +either side.) The game lasted some time. The fish made some splendid +"fly-catches;" and Mr. P., slipping on a wet stone at the edge of the +brook, got in once on his base. On this occasion, the line and a +black-berry bush arranged a decided "foul" between them. At last, just +at the most interesting point of the game, the sudden sting of a +steel-bee caused Mr. P. to give a quick bawl, when the fish took a +home-run and came back no more. Time of game, 3h., 50m.</p> + <pre> Mr. P. 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0---1.<br> + Trout 6 9 8 7 9 9 9 9 9--75. + </pre> + <p>That afternoon Mr. MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, +Shanty Brook, Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little +mountain gutters of the kind than you could count on your fingers and +toes. As an aristocratic residence, this region is certainly superior +to New York, for the Murray Hills are as plenty as blackberries. The +next day they all went up Mount Marcy. When the ascent was completed, +everybody lay down and went to sleep. They were too tired to bother +themselves about the view. At length, after a good nap, Mr. MURRAY got +up and wakened the party, and they all came down.</p> + <img alt="" align="right" src="images/07.jpg"> + <p>They came by the way of the "grand slide," but Mr. P. didn't +like it. His tailor, however, will no doubt think very highly of it.</p> + <p>When all was quiet, that evening, on Dangle-worm Creek, near +which they were encamped, Mr. P. found the Reverend MURRAY sitting in +the smoke of his private smudge, enjoying his fragrant pipe. Seating +himself by the veteran pioneer, Mr. P. addressed him thus:</p> + <p>"Tell me, Mr. MURRAY, in confidence, your opinion of the +Adirondacks."</p> + <p>"Sir," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have no objection to give a person +of your respectability and knowledge of the world my opinion of this +region, but I do not wish it made public."</p> + <p>"Of course, sir!" said Mr. P. "A man of your station and +antecedents would not wish his private opinions to be made too public. +You may rely upon my discretion."</p> + <p>"Well, then," said the reverend mountaineer, "I think the +Adirondacks an unmitigated humbug, and I wish I had never let the world +know that there was such a place."</p> + <p>"Why then do you come here every season, sir?"</p> + <p>"After all I have written and said about it," said Mr. MURRAY, +"I have to come to keep up appearances. Don't you see? But I hate these +mountains from the bottom of my heart. For every word I have written in +praise of the region I have a black-fly-bite on my legs. For every word +I have said in favor of it I have a scratch or a bruise in some other +part of my corpus. I wish that there was no such a season as +summer-time, or else no such a place as the Adirondacks."</p> + <p>(Readers of this paper are requested to skip the above, as +those are Mr. MURRAY'S private opinions, and not the statements he +makes in public, and his desire to keep them dark should be respected.)</p> + <p>It may be of interest to his patrons to know that Mr. P. +arrived home safely and with whole bones.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RAMBLINGS.</b></p> + <p>BY MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: The editor of the Slunkville <i>Lyre</i> +says in his last issue:—</p> + <p>"Notwithstanding the calumnies of Mr. SKINNER, our reputation +is still good, and we continue to pay our debts promptly."</p> + <p>This is the fifth hoax he has perpetrated within two weeks. +His line of business at present seems to be the <i>canard</i> line.</p> + <p>I'll trust him out of sight if I can keep one eye on him. Not +otherwise.</p> + <p>For a light recreation, combining a little business, I +recommend his funeral.</p> + <p>It is pleasant to reflect that men of his stamp are never born +again. They are born once too much as it is.</p> + <p>He went to the Agricultural Fair last Fall. There was a big +potato there. After gazing spell-bound upon it for one hour, he rushed +home and set the following in type:</p> + <p>"What is the difference between the Rev. ADAM CLARK, and the +big potato at the fair? One is a Commentator, and the other is an <i>Un</i>common +'tater."</p> + <p>This conundrum was so exquisitely horrible, that his friends +hoped he'd have judgment enough to hang himself, but such things die +hard.</p> + <p>Colonel W-----'s Goat. Colonel W-----, is a great man in these +parts Like most village nabobs, he's a corpulent gentleman with a great +show of dignity, and in a white vest and gold-headed cane, looks +eminently respectable. He owns a hot-house, keeps a big dog that is +very savage, and his wife wears a silk dress at least three times a +week,—either of which will establish a man's reputation in a country +town.</p> + <p>Everything belonging to the Colonel is held in the utmost awe +by the villagers. The paper speaks of him as "our esteemed and talented +townsman, Col. W.," and alludes to his "beautiful and accomplished +wife," who, by the way, was formerly waiter in an oyster saloon, and +won the Colonel's affection by the artless manner in which she would +shout: "Two stews, plenty o' butter."</p> + <p>Like others of his stamp, the Colonel amounts to something +just where he is, but take him anywhere else, he'd be a first-class, +eighteen carat fraud.</p> + <p>Awhile ago, the Colonel bought a goat for his little boy to +drive in harness, and the animal often grazed at the foot of a cliff, +near the house. One day, a man wandering over this cliff fell and was +instantly killed, evidently having come in contact with the goat, for +the animal's neck was broken.</p> + <p>But what amused me was the way the aforesaid editor spoke of +the affair. He wrote half a column on the "sad death of Col. W's. +goat," but not a word of the unfortunate dead man, till he wound up as +follows:</p> + <p>"We omitted to state that a dead man was picked up near the +unfortunate goat. It is supposed that this person, in wandering over +the cliff, lost his foothold and fell, striking the doomed animal in +his progress. Thus, through the carelessness of this obscure +individual, was Col. W's. poor little goat hurled into eternity."</p> + <p>The Superintendent asked me last Sunday to take charge of a +class. "You'll find 'em rather a bad lot" said he. "They all went +fishing last Sunday but little JOHNNY RAND. <i>He</i> is really a good +boy, and I hope his example may yet redeem the others. I wish you'd +talk to 'em a little."</p> + <p>I told him I would.</p> + <p>They were rather a hard looking set. I don't think I ever +witnessed a more elegant assortment of black eyes in my life. Little +JOHNNY RAND, the good boy, was in his place, and I smiled on him +approvingly. As soon as the lessons were over, I said:</p> + <p>"Boys, your Superintendent tells me you went fishing last +Sunday. All but little JOHNNY, here."</p> + <p>"You didn't go, did you, JOHNNY?" I said.</p> + <p>"No, sir."</p> + <p>"That was right. Though this boy is the youngest among you," I +continued, "you will now learn from his lips words of good counsel, +which I hope you will profit by."</p> + <p>I lifted him up on the seat beside me, and smoothed his auburn +ringlets.</p> + <p>"Now, JOHNNY, I want you to tell your teacher, and these +wicked boys, why you didn't go fishing with them last Sunday. Speak up +loud, now. It was because it was very wicked, and you had rather come +to the Sunday School. Wasn't it?"</p> + <p>"No, sir, it was 'cos I couldn't find no worms for bait."</p> + <p>Somehow or other these good boys always turn out humbugs.</p> + <hr style="width: 10%;"> + <p>It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic +nature in an article intended to be humorous, but the following +displays such infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of +mind, that I cannot forbear. Although it occurred when I was quite +young, it is firmly impressed on my memory:</p> + <p>The autumn winds sighed drearily through the leafless trees, +as the solemn procession passed slowly into the quiet church-yard, and +paused before the open grave, where all that was mortal of LUCY C----- +was to be laid away forever, and when the white-haired old pastor, with +trembling voice, recounted her last moments, sobs broke out afresh, for +she was beloved by all.</p> + <p>The bereaved husband stood a little apart, and, though no tear +escaped him, yet we all instinctively felt that his heart was wrung +with agony, and his burden greater than he could bear. With folded +arms, and eyes bent upon the coffin, he seemed buried in a deep and +painful reverie. None dared intrude upon a grief so sacred. At last, +turning to his brother, and pointing to the coffin, he said:</p> + <p>"JOHN, don't you call that rather a neat looking box for four +dollars?"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Financial.</b></p> + <p>Our French editor thinks that the Imperial revenues ought to +be doubled at once, on the ground of the too evident Income-pittance of +the Emperor.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/08.jpg"> + <p>AN EXCURSION.</p> + <p><i>Fanny</i>. "ISN'T IT TOO BAD, FRANK; WE SHALL GET BACK TO +TOWN LONG BEFORE DARK."</p> + <p>(<i>Fact is, Fanny has a thick shawl, and it would be so nice +to share it with Frank.</i>)</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I see you have been at the White Sulphur +Springs; but you forgot to tell us what we were all dying to hear about +the waters. Several friends had suggested that I should go to some +watering place where I could get nothing else but water to drink, or to +some spring where I couldn't get "sprung." I tried the White Sulphur, +and while there learned some facts that may be useful to others who +seek them for a similar purpose.</p> + <p>These springs differ from the European springs in that they +were not discovered by the Romans. The Latin conquerors never roamed so +far, and it was perhaps a good thing for them that they didn't, Sulphur +water could not have agreed with Romans any more than it agrees with +Yankees who take whiskey with it. I was asked if I would like to +analyse the water, (as everything here is done by analysis under the +eye of the resident physician.) <i>My</i> analysis was done entirely +under the nose.</p> + <p>I raised a glass of the enchanted fluid to my lips: but my +nose said very positively, "Don't do it," and I didn't. I told my +conductor I had analyzed it, and he seemed not a little astonished at +the rapidity and simplicity of the method. He asked me if I would be +kind enough to write out a statement of the result after the manner of +Dr. HAYES, Prof. ROGERS, and others who have examined these waters and +testified that they would cure everything but hydrophobia. I told him I +would, and retiring to my room, wrote as follows:</p> + <p>"Sulphur water contains mineral properties of a sulphuric +character, owing to the fact that the water runs over beds of sulphur. +Nobody has ever seen these beds, but they are supposed to constitute +the cooler portions of those dominions corresponding to the Christian +location of Purgatory. Sinners, preliminary to being plunged into the +fiery furnace, are laid out on these beds and wrapped in damp sheets by +chambermaids regularly attached to the establishment. This is meant to +increase the torture of their subsequent sufferings, and there can be +no doubt that it succeeds. Herein we have also an explanation of the +reason of these waters coming to the surface of the earth—it is to give +patients and other <i>miserables</i> who drink them a foretaste of +future horrors. Passing from this branch of the subject to the analysis +proper, I find that fifty thousand grains of sulphur water divided, +into one hundred parts, contains,</p> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td>Bilge water,</td> + <td>95.75</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Sulphate of Bilgerius,</td> + <td>1.855</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Chloride of Bilgeria,</td> + <td>.285</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Carbonate de Bilgique,</td> + <td>.750</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Silica Bilgica,</td> + <td>1.955</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Hydro-sulp-Bil,</td> + <td>.28</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p>Twenty thousand grains of the water would contain less of the +above element than fifty thousand grains, which ought to be mentioned +as another one of the remarkable peculiarities of this most remarkable +fluid."</p> + <p>I sent the foregoing scientific deductions to the "Resident +Physician," and the bearer told me afterwards that the venerable +Esculapian only observed,—"Well, the writer of that must have been a +most egregious ass. There is no such thing as 'Sulphate of Bilgerius,' +or 'Silica Bilgica,' or anything like them", and then the old fellow +chuckled to himself over my supposed ignorance. I was willing he +should. I'm accustomed to being called an ass, and always like to be +recognized by my kindred. Chemically thine,</p> + <p>SULPHURO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COOL, IF NOT COMFORTABLE.</b></p> + <p>Apropos of complications arising out of the late Navy +Appropriation Law, a daily paper states as follows:</p> + <p>"The decision of the Attorney General now forces him to turn +the balance into the Treasury, and the sailors have to go unclothed."</p> + <p>How this decision will affect recruiting for our navy yet +remains to be seen, though it is probable that but few civilized men +can be found to join a service in which nudity is obligatory. In such +torrid weather as we are having, JACK ashore with nothing on, except, +perhaps, a Panama hat, will be a novel and refreshing object—but how +about the police?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/09.jpg"> + <p>LAW VERSUS LAWLESSNESS. THE VIRTUOUS ALLIES OF THE NEW YORK +"SUN" ENGAGED IN THEIR CONGENIAL OCCUPATION OF THROWING DIRT.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN ON BASE BALL.</b></p> + <p>A Match Game between Centenarians.—"Roomatix" vs. +"Bloostockin's."</p> + <p>The veterans of the war of 1812 of this place, organized a +base ball club.</p> + <p>It was called the "Roomatix base ball club."</p> + <p>A challinge was sent to the "Bloo stockin' base ball club," an +old man's club in an adjoinin' town. They met last week to play a match +game.</p> + <p>It required rather more macheenery than is usually allowed in +this grate nashunal game of chance.</p> + <p>For instance: The pitchers haden't very good eye-site, and +were just as liable to pitch a ball to "2nd base," as to "Home base."</p> + <p>To make a sure thing of it, a big long tin tube was made, on +the principle of the Noomatic tunnel under Broadway, New York. A large +thing, like a molasses funnel, was made, onto the end facin' the +pitcher.</p> + <p>The old man ceased the ball and pitched it into the brod +openin'. The raceway was slantin' downwards, towords the "<i>Homebase.</i>" +The batter stood at his post, with an ear trumpet at his ear, and a +wash-bord in his two hands holdin' onto the handles.</p> + <p>When he heard the ball come rollin' down the tin, he would +"muff" it with his wash-bord. Then the excitement would begin. The +"striker" would start off and go feelin' about the "field" for the +base, while the "outs" got down onto their bands and knees and went +huntin' for the ball.</p> + <p>Sometimes a "fielder," whose sense of feelin' wasen't very +acute, got hold of a cobble stun, then he would waddle, and grope his +way about, to find the base. But I tell you it was soothin' fun for the +old men.</p> + <p>After lookin' 20 minuts for a ball, then findin' the base +before the batter did, who just as like as not had strayed out into +another lot, it made the old fellers laff.</p> + <p>Sometimes two players would run into each other and go +tumblin' over together. Then the "Umpire" would go and get them onto +their pins agin, and give 'em a fresh start.</p> + <p>On each side of this interestin' match game, was two old men +who went on crutches.</p> + <p>It was agreed, as these men coulden't run the bases, that a +man be blindfolded and wheel these aged cripples about the bases in a +wheel-barrer.</p> + <p>The minnit these old chaps would "strike," they dropped their +crutches, and the umpire would dump them into the <i>vehicle,</i> and +away went mister striker.</p> + <p>A player was bein' wheeled this way once, and the "outs" was +down onto their marrow-bones tryin' to find the ball, when a splash! +was heard. The wheel-barrer man had run his cart into a goose pond, and +made a scatterin' among the geese.</p> + <p>"Fowl!" cride the Umpire.</p> + <p>The wheel-barrer man drew his lode ashore.</p> + <p>"Out!" hollers the Umpire.</p> + <p>And another victim went to the wash-bord.</p> + <p>Bets were offered 2 to one, that "The Roomatixs" would <i>pass</i> +more balls—on their hands and knees—than the "Bloostockin's." These +bets were freely taken—by obligin' stake-holders.</p> + <p>A friend of the "Bloostockin's" jumped upon a pile of stuns +and said:</p> + <p>"15 to 10 'the Roomatix' have got more <i>blinds</i> than the +'Bloostockin's.'"</p> + <p>No takers—I guess he would have won his bet, for just at this +juncture a "Roomatix" was at the bat.</p> + <p>The Umpire moved his head.</p> + <p>The old man thought it was the ball, and he "muffed" the +"Umpire's" head with his wash-bord.</p> + <p>The Umpire turned suddenly and wanted to know: "Who was firin' +spit balls at his back hair?"</p> + <p>One "innins," the ball was rolled through, it struck the +batter in the rite eye.</p> + <p>"Out on rite eye," cride the Umpire, and the batter was minus +an eye.</p> + <p>Next man to the bat.</p> + <p>His eyes were gummy. He coulden't see the ball.</p> + <p>He heard the ball rollin'.</p> + <p>He raised his wash-board.</p> + <p>His strength gave way.</p> + <p>Down came the bat, and the handle of the wash-bord entered his +eye.</p> + <p>"Out! on the left eye," screams the Umpire.</p> + <p>Old man No. 3 went to the wash-bord.</p> + <p>The ball came tearin' along.</p> + <p>It was a little too swift for the old man.—Rather too much +"English" into it. It "Kissed" and made a "scratch," strikin' the +"Cushion" between the old man's eyes.</p> + <p>This gave him the "cue." Tryin' to make a "draw" with the wash +bord, so as to "Uker" the ball, and "checkmate" the other club, he was +"distansed," and his spectacles went flyin', smashin' the glass and +shuttin' off his eyesite.</p> + <p>"Out! agin," bellers the Umpire.</p> + <p>This was the first <i>Blind</i> innin's for the "Roomatix."</p> + <p>The "Bloostockin's" bein' told how this innin's stood, by +addressin' them through their ear-trumpets, made a faint effort to +holler "Whooray!"</p> + <p>And, I am grieved to say it, one by-stander, who diden't +understand the grate nashunal game, wanted to know:</p> + <p>"What in thunder them old dry bones was cryin' about"</p> + <p>It was a crooel remark, altho' the old men, not bein' used to +hollerin' much, and not havin' any teeth, did make rather queer work +tryin' to holler.</p> + <p>Ime sorry to say, the game wasen't finished.</p> + <p>Refreshments were served at the end of this innin's, +consistin' of Slippery Elm tea and water gruel.</p> + <p>The old men eat harty.</p> + <p>This made them sleepy, and the consequence was, that the +minnit they was led out on the grass, "Sleep, barmy sleep," got the +best of 'em, and they laid down and slept like infants.</p> + <p>Both nines were then loaded onto stone botes and drawn off of +the field.</p> + <p>The friends of both sides <i>drew</i> their stake money, and +the Umpire, <i>drawin'</i> a long breath, declared the match a <i>draw</i> +game.</p> + <p>Basely Ewers, HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bad Eggs.</b></p> + <br> + <p>The following suggestive item appears in an evening paper:</p> + <p>"Illinois boasts of chickens hatched by the sun."</p> + <p>Well, New York can beat Illinois at that game. The chickens +hatched by the <i>Sun</i>, here, are far too numerous for counting, +and they are curses of the kind that will assuredly "come home to +roost."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Disagreeable, but True.</b></p> + <br> + <p>The restoration of the Bourbon dynasty is reckoned possible in +France.</p> + <p>In this country the Bourbon die-nasty has never been played +out. It is a malignant disease, sometimes known as <i>delirium tremens.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Musical.</b></p> + <br> + <p>Mlle. Silly, the daily papers inform us, has been engaged for +the Grand Opera House in <i>opera bouffe</i>, and will make her <i>début</i> +about the middle of September. The lady should not be confounded with +any of our New York "girls of the period" who bear, (or ought to bear,) +her name.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Caution to Readers.</b></p> + <br> + <p>Seven steady business men of this city, four solid capitalists +of Boston, eighteen Frenchmen residents of the United States, but doing +business nowhere, and a German butcher in the Bowery, have just been +added to sundry lunatic asylums, their intellects having become +hopelessly deranged from reading the conflicting telegrams about the +war in Europe.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Parallel.</b></p> + <br> + <p>In one of the reports of the Coroner's investigation of the +Twenty-third street murder, it was mentioned that "Several ladies and +some young children occupied chairs within the railing."</p> + <p>When REAL was hanged, it was noticeable that a great number of +women appeared in the morbid crowd that surrounded the Tombs, many of +them with small children in their arms.</p> + <p>Fifth Avenue and Five Points! Six of one and half-a-dozen of +the other! Blood <i>will</i> tell!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><b>THE HAZARD OF THE HORSE-CARS.</b></p> + </center> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td><img alt="" src="images/12.jpg"></td> + <td><img alt="" src="images/13.jpg"></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>THIS IS STUBBS, (<i>an incorrigible old bachelor</i>,) +WHO TAKES AN OPEN CAB, FOR GREENWOOD, AND IS COMPELLED TO DO THE WHOLE +DISTANCE SO.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>AND THIS IS THE WAY IN WHICH DOBBS, WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN +DELIGHTED WITH STUBB'S LUCK, IS MADE TO SUFFER MARTYRDOM ON <i>his</i> +LITTLE EXCURSION.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO V.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Let's go to bed," says Sleepy +Head,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Tarry awhile," says Slow;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"We'll sup before we go."</span><br> + <p>These lines the observant student of nursery literature will +perceive are satirical. Was there ever a poet who was not satirical? +How could he be a genius and not be able to point out the folly he sees +around him and comment upon it. In this case, the poor poet,—who lived +in a roseate cloud-land of his own, not desiring such mundane things as +sleep and food, was undoubtedly troubled and plagued to death by having +brothers and sisters who were of the earth, earthy; and who never +neglected on opportunity to laugh at his poems; to squirt water on him +when in the heavenly mood, his eyes in frenzy rolling; to put spiders +down his back; to stick pins in his elbows when writing; or upset his +inkstand.</p> + <p>Fine natures always have a deal to bear, in this world, from +the coarse, unfeeling natures that cannot appreciate their delicacy; +and this one had more than his share.</p> + <p>Many a time has he been goaded to frenzy by the cruel sneers +and jokes of those who should have been proud of his talents; and +rushed with wild-eyed eagerness down to the gentle frog pond, intending +there to bury his sorrows beneath its glassy surface. He saw in +imagination the grief-stricken faces of those cruel ones as they gazed +upon his cold corpus, with his damp locks clinging to his noble brow, +the green slimy weeds clasped in his pale hands, and the mud oozing +from his pockets and the legs of his pants; and he gloried in the +remorse and anguish they would feel when they knew that the Poet of the +family was gone forever.</p> + <p>All this he pictured as he stood on the bank, and, while +thinking, the desire to plunge in grew smaller by degrees and +beautifully less, till at last it vanished entirely, and he concluded +he had better go home, finish his book first and drown himself +afterwards, if necessary. It would make much more stir in the world, +and his name and works might live forever.</p> + <p>A happy thought strikes him as he slowly meanders homeward. He +would have revenge. He would punish these wretches by handing down—to +posterity their peculiarities. He would put it in verse and have it +printed in his book, and then they'd see that even the gentle worm +could turn and sting.</p> + <p>Ah! blessed thought. He flies to his garret bedroom, seizes +his goose-quill and paper, and sits down. What shall he write about? He +nibbles the feather end of his pen, plunges the point into the ink, +looks at it intently to see if he has hooked up an idea, sees none, and +falls to nibbling again. Ah! now he has it. There is TOM, the +dunderhead, who is always sleepy and he will put that down about him. +Squaring his shoulders, he writes:</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Let's go to bed," says Sleepy +Head.</span><br> + <p>Gleefully he rubs his hands. Won't that cut TOM. Ah! Ha! I +guess TOM won't say much more about staring at the moon. Now for DICK, +the old stupid. What shall he say about him? The end of the pen +diminishes slowly but surely, and then he writes:</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Tarry awhile," says Slow.</span><br> + <p>That will answer for DICK. Now let him give HARRY something +scorching, withering, and cutting—so that he'll never open his mouth +again unless it is to put something in it. Oh, that is it, he is always +hungry—rub him on that. He thinks intently. Determination shows in +every line of his face; the pen is almost gone only an inch remains, +and then the Poet masters his subject. He has got the last two lines.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"We'll sup before we go."</span><br> + <p>He throws down the stump of the pen and bounces up. His object +in life is accomplished; he is master of the situation, now, and holds +the trump card. See the quiet smile' and knowing look as he folds the +paper up, and thrusts it into his pocket. He is going down-stairs to +read it to the family. Now is the time for sweet revenge and for the +overthrow of those Philistines, his brothers. He descends slowly, like +an avenging angel, enters the room, and—gentle reader, imagine the rest.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Ridiculous Rub-a-dub.</b></p> + <p>A quiet gentleman who occupies lodgings immediately opposite +one of the city armories, writes to us asking whether the drum corps +that practice there two or three evenings in the week should not be +supplied with noiseless drums, as PUNCHINELLO has suggested regarding +the street organs. PUNCHINELLO thinks the suggestion a good one. He +would like to see the beating of drums after night-fall abolished +altogether In fact, it is the only kind of Dead Beat to which he would +lend his countenance.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Clear Case.</b></p> + <p>Some wiseacre has been trying to demonstrate, through the +public press, that POE did not write "The Raven."</p> + <p>The man must be a Raven lunatic.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE BALLARD OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY, AGED TEN, AND HIS BAD +BROTHER.</b></p> + <p>An obituary notice of a boy, 10 years old, in <i>The +Wilmington Commercial</i>, contains the following statement: "In his +dying moments he charged his brother WILLIAM not to dance, or sing any +more songs. Funeral services preached by the Rev WM. R. TUBB."</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">This pious Boy lay on his bed,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">A dying very fast;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Most every word this good Boy +said,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">They thought 'twould be his last.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Reverend Mr. TUBB was there,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">A praying very slow;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It was a solemn, sad affair;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Twas plain the Boy must go.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">His brother WILLIAM:, he come +o'er,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">To which this good Boy cried,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Oh, BILL, don't sing nor dance +no more!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And following which he died.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now WILLIAM, he had learnt a song</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">That pleased him very much:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He didn't know that it was wrong</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">To carol any such.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He said he couldn't leave it go,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Not if he was to die;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And that same song, as all should +know,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Was called by him, "Shoo Fly."</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was informed by Mr. TUBBS</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">That he would fall down dead,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or else get killed by stones or +clubs,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">With that thing in his head.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, such is life! Poor WILLIAM +went</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And sung his Shoo Fly o'er:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Not knowing that he would be sent</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where Shoo Flies are no more,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was a singing, one wet day,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And likewise dancing too,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">When lightning took his sole away—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Let this warn me and you!</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HINTS FOR THE CENSUS.</b></p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I have always been in favor of the Census, +the system is questionable, perhaps, though that depends on how you +like it. I have found that it answers very well where the parties are +highly intelligent-like myself, for example.</p> + <p>I drew up the following proclamation to read to the U.S. +official in my district:</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your name? <i>A</i> SARSFIELD YOUNG. What +is yours?</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your age? <i>A.</i> A., being asked how old +he was, replied: If I live as long again, and half as long again, and +two years and a half,—how old shall I be?</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Where is your residence? <i>A.</i> I live at home +with the family, have often thought that, amid pleasures and palaces, +there is no place like home, unless it be a boarding house with hot and +cold water.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your occupation? <i>A.</i> Taxpayer. This +takes my whole time</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Where were you born? <i>A.</i> Having made no +minute of it at the time, it has passed out of my memory.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What kind of a house do you live in? <i>A.</i> A +mortgaged house, painted flesh color, a front exposure, brick windows +and a brass lightning rod. A good deal of back yard, (and back rent,) +to it.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> At what age did your grandfather die? <i>A.</i> If +he died last night, (I saw him yesterday at a horse race,) he was +turning ninety-eight, perhaps he got tipped over in the turn.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you hold any official position: if so, what? <i>A.</i> +Inspector of fish,—every Friday.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you insured? A. I am agent for half a dozen +companies. So are all my neighbors. My life is insured against fire for +several thousands.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you troubled with chilblains? <i>A.</i> +Quitely. I soak my feet in oil of vitriol.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Were you in the war? <i>A.</i> I have the scar on +my arm which I got in the service. I was vaccinated severely, while +clerk to a substitute broker at Troy, N. Y.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you a graduate of any College. <i>A.</i> Yes, +of one. I forget which one. I only remember that I was one of the most +remarkable men they ever turned out.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have you suffered from the potato rot? <i>A,</i> +Not myself. My uncle had it bad. He found that whiskey and warm water +was a very good thing. I've made an independent discovery of the same +fact, also.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you in favor of Free Trade or Protection? <i>A</i>. +I can only say that, if elected, gentlemen, I shall endeavor to do my +whole duty. I am.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What do you think of deep plowing? <i>A.</i> In a +scanty population, I should say it has a bad effect. I can recommend +it, however, in a sandy soil, where school privileges are first-class.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Does anything else occur to you which it is +important for the Government to know? <i>A.</i> Yes: a hay fever +occurs to me regularly once a year. I have no policy to enforce against +the will of the people: Still I would call the attention of the +medicine-loving public to my friend Dr. EZRA CUTLER'S "Noon-day +Bitters." For ringing in the ears, loss of memory, bankruptcy, +teething, and general debility, they are without a rival. No family +should live more than five minutes walk from a bottle. They gild the +morning of youth, cherish manhood, and comfort old age, with the name +blown on the bottle in plain letters. Beware of impositions-at all +respectable druggists.</p> + <p>* * I believe in taking things easy, and I shall cheerfully +assist the Administration, when it calls at my door on Census business.</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Facilis Descensus</b></p> + <p>The daily papers frequently have articles respecting the "Hell +Gate Obstructions." We do not, however, remember having seen that +subject handled in the <i>Sun.</i> Perhaps it is that DANA and DYER, +conscious of their deserts, do not anticipate any obstructions in that +quarter.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/14.jpg"> + <p><b>ARISTOCRACY IN THE KITCHEN.</b></p> + <p><i>Lady</i>, (responsively.) "THAT FASHIONABLY DRESSED WOMAN +WHO HAS JUST PASSED, DEAR? OH, THAT'S MY COOK, TAKING HER SUNDAY WITH +THE GROCER'S YOUNG MAN. SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES ME ON SUCH OCCASIONS."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>WHAT SHALL WE CALL IT?</b></p> + <p>Having made up my mind to become a novelist, I naturally +studied the productions of my predecessors, and found out, I assure +you, in a very brief period of time, the little tricks of the trade. As +I do not wish to have the business flooded with neophytes, I refrain +from informing your readers how every man can become his own novel +writer. One very curious thing, however, which I discovered, I will +here relate.</p> + <p>I was very much puzzled by the curious titles which novelists +selected for their books, and very much annoyed by my inability to +discover where they picked them up. I persevered, however, and +discovered that they found them in the daily papers. In fact, I +shrewdly suspect that I have discovered, in these veracious sheets, the +very incidents which suggested the names of a number of volumes. Let me +place before you the extracts, which I have culled from the papers.</p> + <p><i>"Put Yourself in his Place."</i>--READE.</p> + <p>"Yesterday morning an unknown man was found hanging from the +limbs of a tree in JONES' Wood. He was quite dead when discovered."</p> + <p><i>"Red as a Rose is She."</i></p> + <p>"Bridget Flynn was arrested for vagrancy. When brought before +the Court she was quite drunk. She had evidently been a hard drinker +for years, as her face was of a brilliant carmine color."</p> + <p><i>"Man and Wife."</i> COLLINS.</p> + <p>"Married.—At Salt Lake City, on the 1st day of August, 1870, +BRIGHAM YOUNG, Esq., to Miss LETITIA BLACK, Mrs. SUSAN BROWN and Miss +JENNIE SMITH."</p> + <p><i>"What will he do with it?"</i> BULWER.</p> + <p>"It is stated by the police authorities, that the description +of Mr. NATHAN'S watch has been spread so widely, that the robber will +be unable to dispose of it to any jeweler or pawnbroker."</p> + <p><i>"Our Mutual Friend"</i>—DICKENS.</p> + <p>"England is supplying both France and Prussia with horses."</p> + <p><i>"John."</i>—Mrs. OLIPHANT.</p> + <p>"Mr. SAMPSON has sent to California for another cargo of +Chinese shoemakers."</p> + <p><i>"Friends in Council."</i>—HELPS.</p> + <p>"Mr. Drew and Mr. Fisk were closeted together for more than an +hour yesterday."</p> + <p><i>"A Tale of Two Cities."</i>—DICKENS.</p> + <p>"The census will show that our city has a population of at +least 500,000."—<i>Chicago paper.</i></p> + <p>"St Louis has undoubtedly a population of 400,000."—<i>St. +Louis paper.</i></p> + <p>"Chicago, 300,000; St. Louis, 190,000."—<i>Census returns.</i></p> + <p><i>"Stern Necessity."</i>--F.W. ROBINSON.</p> + <p>"It is stated that a well-known yacht failed to win the prize +in the late race, because her rudder slipped out of her fastenings and +was lost."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ITEMS FROM OUR RURAL REPORTERS.</b></p> + <p>A German farmer, living not one hundred miles from Cincinnati, +is raising trichinated pork for the supply of the French army.</p> + <p>The artist who drew the Newfoundland dog (out of the water,) +at Newport, R.I., has received a medal from the Royal Humane Society of +England, on condition that he will not Meddle with dogs any more.</p> + <p>Near Ashland, in Virginia, a spring has been discovered that +runs chicken soup. So great was the commotion in culinary arrangements, +when the discovery was made public, that "the dish ran after the spoon."</p> + <p>The curious crustacean known as the "fiddler crab" is +unusually numerous in the marshes of Long Island, this summer. It +differs from impecunious persons inasmuch as it is a burrowing, not a +borrowing, creature. It differs from ordinary fiddlers by two letters, +in that it bores the earth, but not the ear.</p> + <p>It is an established fact that persona who sleep on mattresses +stuffed with pigeon's feathers never die. Near Salem, Mass., there is +now a woman nearly two hundred years old, who has been bed-ridden and +confined to a pigeon-feather bed for one hundred and fifty years. One +of her descendants a shrewd man-has discovered that the pigeon feathers +are growing musty, and proposes to replace them with the plumage of +geese.</p> + <p>There is a wild man at large in the woods of Sullivan County, +N.Y. He was once a fast man of New York City, and is so fast, still, +that nobody can catch him.</p> + <p>A gentleman residing in the vicinity of Glen Cove had a +Newfoundland dog that was very expert at catching lobsters. The +faithful animal has been missing for some time, but a clue to its fate +was yesterday obtained by its owner, who found the brass collar of the +dog inside a large lobster with which he was about to construct a salad.</p> + <p>An English nobleman has taken up his residence in the centre +of the Dismal Swamp, Va. Blighted affections are supposed to be the +cause of his trouble, as he always wears at the top buttonhole of his +coat a <i>chignon</i> made of red hair.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"That's what's the Matter."</b></p> + <p>Among the lectures announced for the coming season is Mrs. +CECILIA BURLEIGH'S "Woman's right to be a Woman." We quite agree with +Mrs. BURLEIGH'S remark. Woman <i>is</i> right to be a woman, but the +matter just now is that woman wants to be a man.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Couplet from a Shaker Song.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O! Mr. President, you'll have to +keep on pegging</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">At this English Mission, which +seems to go a-begging.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.25em;">Hi! yi! yi! etc.</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Extraordinary Bargains.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Respectfully call the attention of their Customers and +Strangers to their attractive Stock</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>OF</small></p> + <p>SUMMER AND FALL</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>DRESS SILKS,</big></big></p> + <p><small>At popular prices.</small></p> + <p>Striped, Checked and Chine</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big><big>SILKS,</big></big></big></p> + <p><small>In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard;<br> +value $1.50 to $3</small></p> + <p><big>PLAIN FOULARD,</big></p> + <p><small>$1.50, value $2 per yard. 24 inch Black and White +Striped $1.75; value $2.50.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>STRIPED SATINS,</big></p> + <p>$1.25; value $2.</p> + <p>Plain and Striped Japanese,</p> + <p>75c. and $1 per yard.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Rich White and Colored Dress Satins,</p> + <p>Extra Quality.</p> + <p>A CHOICE LINE OF</p> + <p>PLAIN GRAINS,</p> + <p><small>for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3;<br> +value $3 to $3.50 per yard.</small></p> + <p>A FEW EXTRA RICH</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN +SILKS,</big></p> + <p><small>Black and Colored, $2.</small></p> + <p><small>JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>SILKS.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GREAT BARGAINS.</p> + <p><small>A COMPLETE STOCK</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>BLACK SILKS,</big></big></p> + <p><small>At popular prices.</small></p> + <p><small>PLAIN AND STRIPED</small></p> + <p>GAZE DE CHAMBREY,</p> + <p>Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="2"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Are offering several lots of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>HOUSEKEEPING GOODS</big></p> + <p><small>MUCH BELOW<br> +COST OF IMPORTATION.</small></p> + <p><small>5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK NAPKINS, from $1 +to $3.50 per doz.</small></p> + <p><small>DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from $1.50 to $2.75 +each.</small></p> + <p><small>Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all linen, from 40 to +75c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard</small></p> + <p><small>LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, at $2.5O and +upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 per doz. and upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 per yard and upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard pieces, $3.25 +per piece.</small></p> + <p><small>Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery Diapers, various +widths, at $1 per piece below Current prices.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">MARSEILLES</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">QUILTS AND BLANKETS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>AT LOW PRICES.</small></p> + <p><small>Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/16.jpg"> + <p><b>CROCODILE TEARS.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca— +headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. +Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the +White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern New +York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10017 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/10017-h/images/01.jpg b/10017-h/images/01.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4ebb016 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/01.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/01a.jpg b/10017-h/images/01a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..74a1dec --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/01a.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/05.jpg b/10017-h/images/05.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..347510e --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/05.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/06a.jpg b/10017-h/images/06a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e303586 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/06a.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/06b.jpg b/10017-h/images/06b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9fb198e --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/06b.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/06c.jpg b/10017-h/images/06c.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5865c7b --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/06c.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/07.jpg b/10017-h/images/07.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aca9ef8 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/07.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/08.jpg b/10017-h/images/08.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7dfd7be --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/08.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/09.jpg b/10017-h/images/09.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..89310e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/09.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/12.jpg b/10017-h/images/12.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fda37fe --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/12.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/13.jpg b/10017-h/images/13.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f926c18 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/13.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/14.jpg b/10017-h/images/14.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d34e081 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/14.jpg diff --git a/10017-h/images/16.jpg b/10017-h/images/16.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..163daf4 --- /dev/null +++ b/10017-h/images/16.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a78660 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #10017 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10017) diff --git a/old/10017-8.txt b/old/10017-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5bb7fac --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10017-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2661 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, September 3, +1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10017] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 23 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding will be sent postpaid on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | Carbolic Salve | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agent for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. I. No. 23. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + * * * * * + +See 15th page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $47,000 REWARD. | + | | + | PROCLAMATION. | + | | + | The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan. | + | | + | The widow having determined to increase the rewards | + | heretofore offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), | + | and no result having yet been obtained, and suggestions | + | having been made that the rewards were not sufficiently | + | distributive or specific, the offers in the previous | + | proclamation are hereby superseded by the following: | + | | + | A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and | + | conviction of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was | + | killed in hie house, No. 12 West Twenty-third Street, New | + | York, on the morning of Friday, July 29. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt | + | Studs which were taken from the clothing of the deceased on | + | the night of the murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, | + | together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and 1-16 carats, and the other, a | + | flat stone, showing nearly a surface of one carat, weighed | + | 3/4 and 1-32. All three were mounted in skeleton settings, | + | with spiral screws, but the color of the gold setting of the | + | flat diamond was not so dark as the other two. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor | + | Hunting-case Stem-winding Watch, No. 5657, 19 lines, or | + | about two inches in diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for | + | the Chain and Seals thereto attached. The Chain is very | + | massive, with square links, and carries a Pendant Chain with | + | two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," cut | + | thereon. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification and recovery of an old-fashioned | + | open-faced Gold Watch, with gold dial, showing rays | + | diverging from the center, and with raised figures; believed | + | to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at the same | + | time as the above articles. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold | + | Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears | + | an inscription of presentation not precisely known, but | + | believed to be either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital," or, "To Benjamin Nathan, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital." | + | | + | A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete | + | detailed information descriptive of this medal, which may be | + | useful in securing its recovery. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification of the instrument used in committing the | + | murder, which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece | + | of wrought iron about sixteen inches long, turned up for | + | about an inch at each end, and sharp; such as is used by | + | ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, ladder-makers, | + | pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their | + | flasks. | + | | + | A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the | + | morning of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick | + | up a piece of paper lying there, and then walk away with it, | + | if he will come forward and produce it. | + | | + | Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the | + | Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New | + | York; or to James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer. | + | | + | A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR. | + | | + | The foregoing rewards are offered by the request of, and are | + | guaranteed by me. | + | | + | Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN, | + | | + | Widow of B. NATHAN. | + | | + | The following reward has also been offered by the New York | + | Stock Exchange: | + | | + | $10,000.--The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten | + | Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the | + | murderer or murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of | + | said Exchange, who was killed on the night of July 28, 1870, | + | at his house in Twenty-third street. New York City. | + | | + | J. L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman | + | | + | Gov. Com. | + | | + | D. C. HAYS, Treasurer. | + | B. O. WHITE, Secretary. | + | MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for July. | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAIL-ROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | + | Saleable Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers,(Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | + | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | + | cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | + | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. Sprague | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD: + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XVI. + +AVUNCULAR DEVOTIO + +Having literally _fallen_ asleep from his chair to the rug, J. BUMSTEAD, +Esquire, was found to have reached such an extraordinary depth in +slumber, that Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, his landlord and landlady, who were +promptly called in by Mr. DIBBLE, had at first some fear that they +should never be able to drag him out again. In pursuance, however, of a +mode of treatment commended to their judgment, by frequent previous +practice with the same patient, the good couple poured a pitcher of +water over his fallen head; hauled him smartly up and down the room, +first by a hand and then by a foot; singed his whiskers with a hot +poker, held him head-downward for a time, and tried various other +approved allopathic remedies. Seeing that he still slept profoundly, +though appearing, by occasional movements of his arms, to entertain +certain passing dreams of single combats, the quick womanly wit of Mrs. +SMYTHE finally hit upon the homoeopathic expedient of softly shaking his +familiar antique flask at his right ear. Scarcely had the soft, liquid +sound therefrom resulting been addressed for a minute to the auricular +orifice, when a singularly pleasing smile wreathed the countenance of +the Ritualistic organist, his eyelids flew up like the spring-covers of +two valuable hunting-case watches, and he suddenly arose to a sitting +position upon the rug and began feeling around for the bed-clothes. + +"There!" cried Mrs. SMYTHE, greatly affected by his pathetic expression +of countenance, "you're all right now, sir. How worn-out you must have +been, to sleep so!" + +"Do you always go to sleep with such alarming suddenness?" asked Mr. +DIBBLE. + +"When I have to go anywhere, I make it a rule to go at once:--similarly, +when going to sleep," was the answer. "Excuse me, however, for keeping +you waiting, Mr. DIBBLE. We've had quite a rain, sir." + +His hair, collar, and shoulders being very wet from the water which had +been poured upon him during his slumber, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in his present +newly-awake frame of mind, believed that a hard shower had taken place, +and thereupon turned moody. + +"We've had quite a rain, sir, since I saw you last," he repeated, +gloomily, "and I am freshly reminded of my irreparable loss." + +"Such an open, spring-like character!" apostrophized the lawyer, staring +reflectively into the grate. + +"Always open when it rained, and closing with a spring," said Mr. +BUMSTEAD, in soft abstraction lost. + +"_Who_ closed with a spring?" queried the elder man, irascibly. + +"The umbrella," sobbed JOHN BUMSTEAD. + +"I was speaking of your nephew, sir!" was Mr. DIBBLE'S impatient +explanation. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD stared at him sorrowfully for a moment, and then requested +Mrs. SMYTHE to step to a cupboard in the next room and immediately pour +him out a bottle of soda-water which she should find there. + +"Won't you try some?" he asked the lawyer, rising limply to his feet +when the beverage was brought, and drinking it with considerable noise. + +"No, thank you," returned Mr. DIBBLE. + +"As you please, then," said the organist, resignedly. "Only, if you have +a headache don't blame me. (Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, you may place a few +cloves where I can get them, and retire.) What you have told me, Mr. +DIBBLE, concerning the breaking of the engagement between your ward and +my nephew, relieves my mind of a load. As a right-thinking man, I can no +longer suspect you of having killed EDWIN DROOD." + +"Suspect ME?" screamed the aged lawyer, almost leaping into the air. + +"Calm yourself," observed Mr. BUMSTEAD, quietly, the while he ate a +sedative clove. "I say that I can _not_ longer suspect you. I can not +think that a person of your age would wantonly destroy a human life +merely to obtain an umbrella." + +Absolutely purple in the face, Mr. DIBBLE snatched his hat from a chair +just as the Ritualistic organist was about to sit upon it, and was on +the point of hurrying wrathfully from the room, when the entrance of +Gospeler SIMPSON arrested him. + +Noting his agitation, Mr. BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear him from +suspicion in the new-comer's mind also. + +"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad affair we +must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be as innocent +as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor is +concerned, I wholly acquit him of all guilty knowledge of my nephew and +umbrella." + +Too apoplectic with suffocating emotions to speak, Mr. DIBBLE foamed +slightly at the month and tore out a lock or two of his hair. + +"And I believe that my unhappy pupil, Mr. PENDRAGON, is as guiltless," +responded the puzzled Gospeler. "I do not deny that he had a quarrel +with Mr. DROOD, in the earlier part of their acquaintance; but, as you, +Mr. BUMSTEAD, yourself, admit, their meeting at the Christmas-Eve dinner +was amicable; as I firmly believe their last mysterious parting to have +been." + +The organist raised his fine head from the shadow of his right hand, in +which it had rested for a moment, and said, gravely: "I cannot deny, +gentlemen, that I have had my terrible distrusts of you all. Even now, +while, in my deepest heart, I release Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. PENDRAGON from +all suspicion, I cannot entirely rid my mind of the impression that you, +Mr. SIMPSON, in an hour when, from undue indulgence in stimulants, you +were not wholly yourself, may have been tempted, by the superior +fineness of the alpaca, to slay a young man inexpressibly dear to us +all." + +"Great heavens, Mr. BUMSTEAD!" panted the Gospeler, livid with horror, +"I never--" + +--"Not a word, sir!" interrupted the Ritualistic organist,--"not a word, +Reverend sir, or it may be used against you at your trial." + +Pausing not to see whether the equally overwhelmed old lawyer followed +him, the horribly astounded Gospeler burst precipitately from the house +in wild dismay, and was presently hurrying past the pauper +burial-ground. Whether he had been drawn to that place by some one of +the many mystic influences moulding the fates of men, or because it +happened to be on his usual way home, let students of psychology and +topography decide. Thereby he was hurrying, at any rate, when a shining +object lying upon the ground beside the broken fence, caused him to stop +suddenly and pick up the glittering thing. It was an oroide watch, +marked E.D.; and, a few steps further on, a coppery-looking seal-ring +also attracted the finder's grasp. With these baubles in his hand the +genial clergyman was walking more slowly onward, when it abruptly +occurred to him, that his possession of such property might possibly +subject him to awkward consequences if he did not immediately have +somebody arrested in advance. Perspiring freely at the thought, he +hurried to his house, and, there securing the company of MONTGOMERY +PENDRAGON, conveyed his beloved pupil at once before Judge SWEENEY, and +made affidavit of finding the jewelry. The jeweler, who had wound EDWIN +DROOD'S watch for him on the day of the dinner, promptly identified the +timepiece by the innumerable scratches around the keyhole; Mr. BUMSTEAD, +though at first ecstatic with the idea that the seal-ring was a ferule +from an umbrella, at length allowed himself to be persuaded into a +gloomy recognition of it as a part of his nephew, and MONTGOMERY was +detained in custody for further revelations. + +News of the event circulating, the public mind of Bumsteadville lost no +time in deploring the incorrigible depravity of Southern character, and +recollecting several horrors of human Slavery. It was now clearly +remembered that there had once been rumors of terrible cruelties by a +PENDRAGON family to an aged colored man of great piety; who, because he +incessantly sang hymns in the cotton-field, was sent to a field farther +from the PENDRAGON mansion, and ultimately died. Citizens reminded each +other, that when, during the rebellion, a certain PENDRAGON of the +celebrated Southern Confederacy met a former religious chattel of his +confronting him with a bayonet in the loyal ranks, and immediately +afterwards felt a cold, tickling sensation under one of his ribs, he +drew a pistol upon the member of the injured race, who subsequently died +in Ohio of fever and ague. What wonder was it, then, that this young +PENDRAGON with an Indian club and a swelled head should secretly +slaughter the nephew and appropriate the umbrella of one of the most +loyal and devoted Ritualists that ever sent a substitute to battle? In +the mighty metropolis, too, the Great Dailies--those ponderous engines +of varied and inaccurate intelligence--published detailed and mistaken +reports of the whole affair, and had subtle editorial theories as to the +nature of the crime. The _Sun,_ after giving a cut of an old-fashioned +parlor-grate as a diagram of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S house, and a portrait of Mr. +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG as a correct photograph of the alleged murderer by +ROCKWOOD, said:--"The retention of Mr. FISH as Secretary of State by the +present venal Administration, and the official countenance otherwise +corruptly given to friends of Spanish tyranny who do not take the _Sun,_ +are plainly among the current encouragements to such crime as that in +the full reporting of which to-day the _Sun's_ advertisements are +crowded down to a single page, as usual. Judge CONNOLLY, after walking +all the way from Yorkville, agrees with the _Sun_ in believing, that +something more than an umbrella tempted this young MONTMORENCY PADREGON +to waylay EDWIN WOOD. To-morrow we shall give the public still further +exclusive revelations, such as the immense circulation of the New York +_Sun_ enables us especially to obtain. On this, as upon every occasion +of the publication of the _Sun,_ we shall leave out columns upon columns +of profitable advertising, in order that no reader of the _Sun_ shall be +stinted in his criminal news. The _Sun_ (price two cents) has never yet +been bought by advertisers, and never will be." The _Tribune_ said: +"What time the reader can spare from perusing our special dispatches +concerning the progress of Smalleyism in Europe, shall, undoubtedly, be +given to our female-reporter's account of the alleged tragedy at +Bumperville. There are reasons of manifest propriety to restrain us, as +superior journalists, from the sensational theorizing indulged by +editors choosing to expend more care and money upon local news than upon +European rumors; but we may not injudiciously hazard the assumption, +that, were the police under any other than Democratic domination, such a +murder as that alleged to have been committed by MANTON PENJOHNSON on +BALDWIN GOOD had not been possible. PENJOHNSON, it shall be noticed, is +a Southerner, while young GOOD was strongly Northern in sentiment; and +it requires no straining of a point to trace in these known facts a +sectional antagonism to which even a long war has not yielded full +sanguinary satiation." The _World_ said: "_Acerrima proximorum odia;_ +and, under the present infamous Radical abuse of empire, the hatred +between brothers, first fostered by the eleutheromaniacs of +Abolitionism, is bearing its bitter fruit of private assassination at +last. Somewhere amongst our _loci communes_ of to-day may be found a +report of the supposed death, at Hampsteadville (_not_ Bumperville, as a +radical contemporary has it,) of a young Northerner named GOODWIN BLOOD, +at the hands of a Southern gentleman belonging to the stately old +Southern family of PENTORRENS. The PENTORRENS' are related, by old +cavalier stock, to the Dukes of Mandeville, whose present ducal +descendant combines the elegance of an Esterhazy with the intellect of +an Argyle. That a scion of such blood as this has reduced a fellow-being +to a condition of inanimate protoplasm, is to be regretted for his sake; +but more for that of a country in which the philosophy of COMTE finds in +a corrupt radical pantarchy all-sufficient first-cause of whatsoever is +rotten in the State of Denmark." The Times said: "We give no details of +the Burnstableville tragedy to-day, not being willing to pander to a +vitiated public taste; but shall do so to-morrow." + +After reading these articles in the Great Dailies with considerable +distraction, and inferring therefrom, that at least three different +young Southerners had killed three different young Northerners in three +different places on Christmas-Eve, Judge SWEENEY had a rush of blood to +the brain, and discharged MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON as a person of +undistinguishable identity. But, when set at large, the helpless youth +could not turn a corner without meeting some bald-headed reporter who +raised the cry of "Stop thief!" if he sought to fly, and, if he paused, +interviewed him in a magisterial manner, and almost tearfully implored +him to Confess his crime in time for the Next Edition. + +Father DEAN, Ritual Rector of St. Cow's, meeting Gospeler SIMPSON upon +one of their daily strolls through the snow, said to him: + +"This young man, your pupil, has sinned, it appears, and a Ritualistic +church, Mr. Gospeler, is no sanctuary for sinners." + +"I cannot believe that the sin is his, Holy Father," answered the +Reverend OCTAVIUS, respectfully: "but, even if it is, and he is +remorseful for it, should not our Church cover him with her wings?" + +"There are no wings to St. Cow's yet," returned the Father, +coldly,--"only the main building; and that is too small to harbor any +sinner who has not sufficient means to build a wing or two for himself." + +"Then," said the Gospeler, bowing his head and speaking slowly, "I +suppose he must go to the Other Church." + +"What Other church?" + +The Gospeler raised his hat and spoke reverently:-- + +That which is all of God's world outside this little church of ours. +That in which the Altar is any humble spot pressed by the knees of the +Unfortunate. That in which the priest is whoso doeth a good, unselfish +deed, even if in the shadow of the scaffold. That in which the anthem of +visible charity for an erring brother sinks into the listening soul an +echo of an unseen Father's pity and forgiveness, and the choral service +is the music of kind words to all who ever found but unkind words +before." + +"You must mean the Church of the Pooritans," said the Ritual Rector. + +So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to seek harbor +where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited to +Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary. + +"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the watch and +seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, was the temptation of +the murderer. I now swear that I will no more discuss either my nephew +or my umbrella with any living soul, until I have found once more the +familiar boyish form and alpaca canopy, or brought vengeance upon him +through whom I am nephewless and without protection in the rain." + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +CHINCAPIN AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: When Oratory, rising to its loftiest flights upon the +wings of Buncombe, denounces with withering scorn the effete and +tyrannical monarchies of Europe, and proclaims the glorious fact that +this is a Free Country, Fellow Citizens! it hardly does us justice. We +are not only free, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, we are Free and Easy, sir. Breathes +there a man so tortuously afflicted with Strabismus that he doesn't see +it? If such there be let him go and visit the Oneida Community. + +Last week I took a run down to Oneida myself. I found the Communists a +very Social crowd, I can assure you. PROUDHON himself might be proud of +such disciples, and DESIDERANT find nothing there to be Desiderated. The +Communists divide everything equally, particularly the Affections, so +there are no Better Halves among them. In Utah, you are aware, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, the women are Sealed to the men, but among these people +they are not even Wafered. Your Own IDA may be anybody else's in the +Oneida Community. The only individuals that object to Dividing are the +children, who are generally opposed to Division, both long and Short, as +well as to Fractions. + +Infants don't go for much among the Free Lovers, and are Put Out--to +Nurse. After the age of Fifteen months they are surrendered by their +Ma's to the Charge of the Two Hundred (the number of men and women in +the Community,) who become their common parents, and the infants become +common property. The domestic arrangements are entrusted to two females, +who are called the "Mothers of the Community." But whether these dual +Mothers Do All the Nursing I am unable to say. + +I had a little conversation with the Eminent and Aged Free Lover who +acted as my guide, and I give it in the manner of the "interviewing +reporter." + +CHINC. Venerable Seer, tip us your views on the subject of Love. + +AGED FREE-LOVER Do you then take an Interest in our Principles? + +CHINC. (Dubiously.) Then you _have_-- + +A. F. L. Yes, of our own. They are not those of a prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld. +Our principles are Embraced in the Communism of Love and Passional +Attraction. + +CHINC. (Confidently.) Ah, yes; of course--you are Free Lovers. + +A. F. L. Sir-r-r? + +CHINC. (Much abashed.) Excuse me. I am young, inexperienced, and but +slightly acquainted with the Dictionary. + +A. P. L. So I see. Know, young man, that we scorn and repudiate the name +of Free Lovers as applied to us by the newspapers. It is true we believe +that Love should be untrammelled by the Hateful Bonds of Marriage. With +us a Lady may have an affinity for any number of gentlemen, and +vice-versa. But we are not Free Lovers. + +CHINC. Oh, no! Not by no means. Not any. + +A. F. L. (Growing eloquent.) We have only advanced from the simple to +the more complex form of matrimony. Why should not the faithfulness +which constitutes the wretchedly exclusive dual Marriage of the +Wor-r-r-ld exist as well between Two Hundred as between two? Why? + +CHINC. Why, O why? But there may be reasons-- + +A.F.L. Young Man, reared in the hateful prejudices of an Unprogressive +Wor-r-ld, there air none. + +CHINC. This system, as you, Ancient Person, observe, is much complexed. +Do I, then, understand you that a woman may have fifty affinities and +yet be faithful to each? + +A.F.L. Yes, my son, any number. This plurality of affinities you of +course cannot appreciate. A prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld cannot understand the +Bond of Union which connects all the Brothers and Sisters in a Spiritual +Marriage. The results of the complex system are-- + +CHINC. (Interrupting.) I--I--fear the complexity of your system is one +too many for me. I feel that my Brow cannot stand the pressure. I must +away. Farewell, old man--Adieu! + +Such, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is briefly the Free and Easy Doctrine of Natural +Affinity and Passional Attraction. I have no doubt there are some +illiberal Persons who would give it a much harsher name. For myself, I +believe in the Biggest kind of Liberty, but not for the Biggest kind of +Libertines. Reverentially yours, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LACONIC, BUT EXPRESSIVE. + +SCENE: NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE FIVE POINTS + +_First Ruffian._ "WHERE TO NOW, SNOOTY?" + +_Second Ditto._ "PICNIC." + +_First Ditto._ "WOTTERYER GOT IN YER LUNCH WALLET?" + +_Second Ditto._ "SLUNG SHOT."] + + * * * * * + +REJUVENATED FRANCE. + +PUNCHINELLO has perused a draft of the next Constitution of the French +people, or of France, if that is better. Unwilling to give it to his +readers in full, at present, he considers himself authorized, however, +to cite a few paragraphs of it, which will be found both original and +interesting. + +FIFTY-SEVENTH CONSTITUTION OF FRANCE. (One a year, more or less.) + +_Paragraph_ 1. The French Nation is sovereign; the French people are +sovereign; sovereigns are sovereign; every Frenchman is sovereign. + +_Paragraph_ 2. All men are equal, but Frenchmen are highly superior to +all other men. + +_Paragraph_ 3. In order to secure peace, it is decreed and plebiscited +that all governments shall have a chance. For the next ten years, or +less, the Orleans Dynasty shall rule; after that a BONAPARTE for a few +years; then a Republic, "democratic and social," as long as it can keep +on its legs. After that a second Republic, for a twelvemonth at least. +Then an old BOURBON, if one can be found. After this, a military +dictatorship; the army to decide its duration. At each change the people +will decide by plebiscit whether they want the respective governments to +be: _personal_, _legal_, or neither. + +_Paragraph_ 4.--But here we must stop. + + * * * * * + +Titans. + +The _Liberté_ says: "A lot of crazy fellows tried to proclaim the +republic at Toulouse." Now there are manifestly two errors in this +statement. The fellows alluded to were not Toulouse, but too tight +fellows. Moreover, if they really had been crazies, as the _Liberté_ +supposes, they would have been instantly arrested and sent to Paris, +under guard, by the way of the Madder line, to await the action of the +Prefect of the Sane. + + * * * * * + +Astronomical. + +A NEW Milky Way has been discovered. It is the way the milk producers +(farmers, not cows,) of Westchester County have of insisting upon +raising their charges for milk from four cents to five cents a quart, +wholesale. We fail to discern the milk of human kindness, here; but it +is clear that the milk in the cocoa-nuts of these farmers is mighty +sour. + + * * * * * + +WHAT SIGERSON SAYS. + +SIGERSON (Dr.) of the Royal Irish Academy, has gone and said some mighty +unpleasant things about the Atmosphere. How he found them out, we can't +say, (and we hope _he_ can't:) but nevertheless, he declares, with the +most dreadful calmness, that if you go to visit the Iron Works, you will +inevitably breathe a great many hollow Balls of Iron, say about one two +thousandth of an inch in diameter! What these rather diminutive +ferruginous globules will do for you, we do not know; but you can see +for yourself, that with your lungs full of little iron balls you must +certainly be in a "parlous" state. We should say that we had quite as +lief have the air full of those iron spheres, termed Cannon Balls, as it +is now in France. It is true, one couldn't get many of _these_ inside +one with impunity; and equally true, that foundry men do manage to live, +with all that iron in their lungs; but we can't say we desire to "build +up an Iron Constitution," as the P-r-n S-r-p folks say, by the inhaling +process. + +But SIGERSON is not content to render the neighborhood of Iron Works +questionable to the delicate and apprehensive; in "shirt-factory air" he +declares, upon honor, "there are little filaments of linen and cotton, +with minute eggs" (goodness gracious!) "Threshing machines," he more +than insinuates, "fill the air with fibres, starch-grains and spores," +(spores! think of that;) and (what is truly ha(i)rrowing,) in "stables +and barber's shops" you cannot but breathe "scales and hairs." Good +Heavens! + +What he says of printers and smokers is simply horrible; in short, this +dreadful SIGERSON has gone and made life a wretched and lingering (to +quote the sensitive Mrs. GAMP,) "progiss through this mortial wale." + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacation. + +When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no particular +outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to comprehends only +males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. But when we go to +the Adirondacks,--certainly a most extraordinary place of summer +resort,--we require an outfit which is as remarkable as the region +itself. Thoroughly understanding this necessity, Mr. PUNCHINELLO made +himself entirely ready for a life in the woods before he set out for the +Adirondack Mountains. Witness the completeness of his preparations. + +The railroad to the heart of this delightful resort is not yet finished, +and when Mr. P. had completed his long journey, in which the excellence +and abominabitity,--so to speak,--of every American form of conveyance +was exhibited, he was glad enough to see before him those charming wilds +which are gradually being tamed down by the well-to-do citizens of New +York and Boston. He found that it was necessary, in order to enter the +district, to pass through a gate in a high pale-fence, and, to his +surprise, he was informed that he must buy a ticket before being allowed +to proceed. On inquiry, he discovered that the Reverend Mr. MURRAY, of +Boston, claiming the whole Adirondack region by right of discovery, had +fenced it entirely in, and demanded entrance money of all visitors. + +This was bad, to be sure, but there was no help for it, and Mr. P. +bought his ticket and passed in. + +The Adirondack scenery is peculiar. In the first place, there are no +pavements or gravel walks. + +This is a grievous evil, and should be remedied by Mr. MURRAY as soon as +possible. The majority of the paths are laid out in the following +manner. + +The scenery, however, would be very fine if the bugs were transparent. + +The multitudes of insectivorous carnivora, which arose to greet Mr. P., +effectually prevented him from seeing anything more than a yard distant. + +But if this had been all, Mr. P. would not have uttered a word of +complaint. It was not all, by any means. + +These hungry creatures, these black-flies; midges; mosquitoes; yellow +bloodsuckers; poison-bills; corkscrew-stingers; hook-tailed hornets; and +all the rest of them settled down upon him until they covered him like a +suit of clothes. A warmer welcome was never extended to a traveller in a +strange land. + +In case his readers should not be familiar with the animal, the +accompanying drawing will give an admirable idea of the celebrated +black-fly of the Adirondacks, which, with the grizzly bear and the +rattlesnake, occupies the front rank among American ferocious animals. + +After travelling on foot for a day and a night; drenched by rain; +scorched by the sun; crippled by rocks and roots; frightened by +rattle-snakes and panthers; blistered and swollen by poisonous insects; +nearly starved; tired to death; and presenting the most pitiable +appearance in the world, Mr. P. reached the encampment of Mr. MURRAY, +proprietor and exhibitor of the Adirondacks. + +Knowing that there was quite a large company in the camp, Mr. P. was +almost ashamed to show himself in such a doleful plight, but he soon +found that there was no need for any scruples on that account, as they +were all as wretched looking as himself. + +Mr. MURRAY welcomed him cordially, and after building a "smudge" around +him to keep off the flies, he gave Mr. P. some Boston brown-bread and a +glass of pure water from a rill. + +This, with a sip from Mr. P.'s little flask, revived him considerably, +and after a night's rest on the lee side of a tree, where the rain did +not wet him nearly so much as if he had been on the other side, Mr. P. +felt himself equal to the task of enjoying the Adirondacks. + +That morning, Mr. MURRAY conducted a melancholy party of disconsolate +pleasure-seekers to a neighboring stream, where he instructed them to +fish for trout.. He told them they must revel in the delights of the +scene, and should tremble with the wild rapture of drawing from the +rushing waters the bounding trout. + +Mr. P. tried very hard to do this. He put his prettiest fly and his +sharpest hook on his longest line, and, for hours, gently whipped the +ripples. At last a speckled representative of the American National +Game-fish took compassion on the patient fisherman and entered into a +contest of skill with him. (A friendly match, and no bets on either +side.) The game lasted some time. The fish made some splendid +"fly-catches;" and Mr. P., slipping on a wet stone at the edge of the +brook, got in once on his base. On this occasion, the line and a +black-berry bush arranged a decided "foul" between them. At last, just +at the most interesting point of the game, the sudden sting of a +steel-bee caused Mr. P. to give a quick bawl, when the fish took a +home-run and came back no more. Time of game, 3h., 50m. + + Mr. P. 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0--1. + Trout 6 9 8 7 9 9 9 9 9--75. + +That afternoon Mr. MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, Shanty Brook, +Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little mountain gutters of +the kind than you could count on your fingers and toes. As an +aristocratic residence, this region is certainly superior to New York, +for the Murray Hills are as plenty as blackberries. The next day they +all went up Mount Marcy. When the ascent was completed, everybody lay +down and went to sleep. They were too tired to bother themselves about +the view. At length, after a good nap, Mr. MURRAY got up and wakened the +party, and they all came down. + +They came by the way of the "grand slide," but Mr. P. didn't like it. +His tailor, however, will no doubt think very highly of it. + +When all was quiet, that evening, on Dangle-worm Creek, near which +they were encamped, Mr. P. found the Reverend MURRAY sitting in the +smoke of his private smudge, enjoying his fragrant pipe. Seating himself +by the veteran pioneer, Mr. P. addressed him thus: + +"Tell me, Mr. MURRAY, in confidence, your opinion of the Adirondacks." + +"Sir," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have no objection to give a person of your +respectability and knowledge of the world my opinion of this region, but +I do not wish it made public." + +"Of course, sir!" said Mr. P. "A man of your station and antecedents +would not wish his private opinions to be made too public. You may rely +upon my discretion." + +"Well, then," said the reverend mountaineer, "I think the Adirondacks an +unmitigated humbug, and I wish I had never let the world know that there +was such a place." + +"Why then do you come here every season, sir?" + +"After all I have written and said about it," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have +to come to keep up appearances. Don't you see? But I hate these +mountains from the bottom of my heart. For every word I have written in +praise of the region I have a black-fly-bite on my legs. For every word +I have said in favor of it I have a scratch or a bruise in some other +part of my corpus. I wish that there was no such a season as +summer-time, or else no such a place as the Adirondacks." + +(Readers of this paper are requested to skip the above, as those are Mr. +MURRAY'S private opinions, and not the statements he makes in public, +and his desire to keep them dark should be respected.) + +It may be of interest to his patrons to know that Mr. P. arrived home +safely and with whole bones. + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: The editor of the Slunkville _Lyre_ says in his last +issue:-- + +"Notwithstanding the calumnies of Mr. SKINNER, our reputation is still +good, and we continue to pay our debts promptly." + +This is the fifth hoax he has perpetrated within two weeks. His line of +business at present seems to be the _canard_ line. + +I'll trust him out of sight if I can keep one eye on him. Not otherwise. + +For a light recreation, combining a little business, I recommend his +funeral. + +It is pleasant to reflect that men of his stamp are never born again. +They are born once too much as it is. + +He went to the Agricultural Fair last Fall. There was a big potato +there. After gazing spell-bound upon it for one hour, he rushed home and +set the following in type: + +"What is the difference between the Rev. ADAM CLARK, and the big potato +at the fair? One is a Commentator, and the other is an _Un_common +'tater." + +This conundrum was so exquisitely horrible, that his friends hoped he'd +have judgment enough to hang himself, but such things die hard. + +Colonel W-----'s Goat. Colonel W-----, is a great man in these parts +Like most village nabobs, he's a corpulent gentleman with a great show +of dignity, and in a white vest and gold-headed cane, looks eminently +respectable. He owns a hot-house, keeps a big dog that is very savage, +and his wife wears a silk dress at least three times a week,--either of +which will establish a man's reputation in a country town. + +Everything belonging to the Colonel is held in the utmost awe by the +villagers. The paper speaks of him as "our esteemed and talented +townsman, Col. W.," and alludes to his "beautiful and accomplished +wife," who, by the way, was formerly waiter in an oyster saloon, and won +the Colonel's affection by the artless manner in which she would shout: +"Two stews, plenty o' butter." + +Like others of his stamp, the Colonel amounts to something just where he +is, but take him anywhere else, he'd be a first-class, eighteen carat +fraud. + +Awhile ago, the Colonel bought a goat for his little boy to drive in +harness, and the animal often grazed at the foot of a cliff, near the +house. One day, a man wandering over this cliff fell and was instantly +killed, evidently having come in contact with the goat, for the animal's +neck was broken. + +But what amused me was the way the aforesaid editor spoke of the affair. +He wrote half a column on the "sad death of Col. W's. goat," but not a +word of the unfortunate dead man, till he wound up as follows: + +"We omitted to state that a dead man was picked up near the unfortunate +goat. It is supposed that this person, in wandering over the cliff, lost +his foothold and fell, striking the doomed animal in his progress. Thus, +through the carelessness of this obscure individual, was Col. W's. poor +little goat hurled into eternity." + +The Superintendent asked me last Sunday to take charge of a class. +"You'll find 'em rather a bad lot" said he. "They all went fishing last +Sunday but little JOHNNY RAND. _He_ is really a good boy, and I hope his +example may yet redeem the others. I wish you'd talk to 'em a little." + +I told him I would. + +They were rather a hard looking set. I don't think I ever witnessed a +more elegant assortment of black eyes in my life. Little JOHNNY RAND, +the good boy, was in his place, and I smiled on him approvingly. As soon +as the lessons were over, I said: + +"Boys, your Superintendent tells me you went fishing last Sunday. All +but little JOHNNY, here." + +"You didn't go, did you, JOHNNY?" I said. + +"No, sir." + +"That was right. Though this boy is the youngest among you," I +continued, "you will now learn from his lips words of good counsel, +which I hope you will profit by." + +I lifted him up on the seat beside me, and smoothed his auburn ringlets. + +"Now, JOHNNY, I want you to tell your teacher, and these wicked boys, +why you didn't go fishing with them last Sunday. Speak up loud, now. It +was because it was very wicked, and you had rather come to the Sunday +School. Wasn't it?" + +"No, sir, it was 'cos I couldn't find no worms for bait." + +Somehow or other these good boys always turn out humbugs. + + +It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic nature in an +article intended to be humorous, but the following displays such +infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of mind, that I +cannot forbear. Although it occurred when I was quite young, it is +firmly impressed on my memory: + +The autumn winds sighed drearily through the leafless trees, as the +solemn procession passed slowly into the quiet church-yard, and paused +before the open grave, where all that was mortal of LUCY C----- was to +be laid away forever, and when the white-haired old pastor, with +trembling voice, recounted her last moments, sobs broke out afresh, for +she was beloved by all. + +The bereaved husband stood a little apart, and, though no tear escaped +him, yet we all instinctively felt that his heart was wrung with agony, +and his burden greater than he could bear. With folded arms, and eyes +bent upon the coffin, he seemed buried in a deep and painful reverie. +None dared intrude upon a grief so sacred. At last, turning to his +brother, and pointing to the coffin, he said: + +"JOHN, don't you call that rather a neat looking box for four dollars?" + + * * * * * + +Financial. + +Our French editor thinks that the Imperial revenues ought to be doubled +at once, on the ground of the too evident Income-pittance of the +Emperor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EXCURSION. + +_Fanny_. "ISN'T IT TOO BAD, FRANK; WE SHALL GET BACK TO TOWN LONG BEFORE +DARK." + +(_Fact is, Fanny has a thick shawl, and it would be so nice to share it +with Frank._)] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I see you have been at the White Sulphur Springs; but +you forgot to tell us what we were all dying to hear about the waters. +Several friends had suggested that I should go to some watering place +where I could get nothing else but water to drink, or to some spring +where I couldn't get "sprung." I tried the White Sulphur, and while +there learned some facts that may be useful to others who seek them for +a similar purpose. + +These springs differ from the European springs in that they were not +discovered by the Romans. The Latin conquerors never roamed so far, and +it was perhaps a good thing for them that they didn't, Sulphur water +could not have agreed with Romans any more than it agrees with Yankees +who take whiskey with it. I was asked if I would like to analyse the +water, (as everything here is done by analysis under the eye of the +resident physician.) _My_ analysis was done entirely under the nose. + +I raised a glass of the enchanted fluid to my lips: but my nose said +very positively, "Don't do it," and I didn't. I told my conductor I had +analyzed it, and he seemed not a little astonished at the rapidity and +simplicity of the method. He asked me if I would be kind enough to write +out a statement of the result after the manner of Dr. HAYES, Prof. +ROGERS, and others who have examined these waters and testified that +they would cure everything but hydrophobia. I told him I would, and +retiring to my room, wrote as follows: + +"Sulphur water contains mineral properties of a sulphuric character, +owing to the fact that the water runs over beds of sulphur. Nobody has +ever seen these beds, but they are supposed to constitute the cooler +portions of those dominions corresponding to the Christian location of +Purgatory. Sinners, preliminary to being plunged into the fiery furnace, +are laid out on these beds and wrapped in damp sheets by chambermaids +regularly attached to the establishment. This is meant to increase the +torture of their subsequent sufferings, and there can be no doubt that +it succeeds. Herein we have also an explanation of the reason of these +waters coming to the surface of the earth--it is to give patients and +other _miserables_ who drink them a foretaste of future horrors. Passing +from this branch of the subject to the analysis proper, I find that +fifty thousand grains of sulphur water divided, into one hundred parts, +contains, + + Bilge water, - - - - - - - - - - 95.75 + Sulphate of Bilgerius, - - - - - 1.855 + Chloride of Bilgeria, - - - - - - .285 + Carbonate de Bilgique, - - - - - - .750 + Silica Bilgica, - - - - - - - - - 1.955 + Hydro-sulp-Bil, - - - - - - - - - .28 + +Twenty thousand grains of the water would contain less of the above +element than fifty thousand grains, which ought to be mentioned as +another one of the remarkable peculiarities of this most remarkable +fluid." + +I sent the foregoing scientific deductions to the "Resident Physician," +and the bearer told me afterwards that the venerable Esculapian only +observed,--"Well, the writer of that must have been a most egregious +ass. There is no such thing as 'Sulphate of Bilgerius,' or 'Silica +Bilgica,' or anything like them", and then the old fellow chuckled to +himself over my supposed ignorance. I was willing he should. I'm +accustomed to being called an ass, and always like to be recognized by +my kindred. Chemically thine, + +SULPHURO. + + * * * * * + +COOL, IF NOT COMFORTABLE. + +Apropos of complications arising out of the late Navy Appropriation Law, +a daily paper states as follows: + +"The decision of the Attorney General now forces him to turn the balance +into the Treasury, and the sailors have to go unclothed." + +How this decision will affect recruiting for our navy yet remains to be +seen, though it is probable that but few civilized men can be found to +join a service in which nudity is obligatory. In such torrid weather as +we are having, JACK ashore with nothing on, except, perhaps, a Panama +hat, will be a novel and refreshing object--but how about the police? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAW VERSUS LAWLESSNESS. THE VIRTUOUS ALLIES OF THE NEW +YORK "SUN" ENGAGED IN THEIR CONGENIAL OCCUPATION OF THROWING DIRT.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON BASE BALL. + +A Match Game between Centenarians.--"Roomatix" vs. "Bloostockin's." + +The veterans of the war of 1812 of this place, organized a base ball +club. + +It was called the "Roomatix base ball club." + +A challinge was sent to the "Bloo stockin' base ball club," an old man's +club in an adjoinin' town. They met last week to play a match game. + +It required rather more macheenery than is usually allowed in this grate +nashunal game of chance. + +For instance: The pitchers haden't very good eye-site, and were just as +liable to pitch a ball to "2nd base," as to "Home base." + +To make a sure thing of it, a big long tin tube was made, on the +principle of the Noomatic tunnel under Broadway, New York. A large +thing, like a molasses funnel, was made, onto the end facin' the +pitcher. + +The old man ceased the ball and pitched it into the brod openin'. The +raceway was slantin' downwards, towords the "_Homebase._" The batter +stood at his post, with an ear trumpet at his ear, and a wash-bord in +his two hands holdin' onto the handles. + +When he heard the ball come rollin' down the tin, he would "muff" it +with his wash-bord. Then the excitement would begin. The "striker" would +start off and go feelin' about the "field" for the base, while the +"outs" got down onto their bands and knees and went huntin' for the +ball. + +Sometimes a "fielder," whose sense of feelin' wasen't very acute, got +hold of a cobble stun, then he would waddle, and grope his way about, to +find the base. But I tell you it was soothin' fun for the old men. + +After lookin' 20 minuts for a ball, then findin' the base before the +batter did, who just as like as not had strayed out into another lot, it +made the old fellers laff. + +Sometimes two players would run into each other and go tumblin' over +together. Then the "Umpire" would go and get them onto their pins agin, +and give 'em a fresh start. + +On each side of this interestin' match game, was two old men who went on +crutches. + +It was agreed, as these men coulden't run the bases, that a man be +blindfolded and wheel these aged cripples about the bases in a +wheel-barrer. + +The minnit these old chaps would "strike," they dropped their crutches, +and the umpire would dump them into the _vehicle,_ and away went mister +striker. + +A player was bein' wheeled this way once, and the "outs" was down onto +their marrow-bones tryin' to find the ball, when a splash! was heard. +The wheel-barrer man had run his cart into a goose pond, and made a +scatterin' among the geese. + +"Fowl!" cride the Umpire. + +The wheel-barrer man drew his lode ashore. + +"Out!" hollers the Umpire. + +And another victim went to the wash-bord. + +Bets were offered 2 to one, that "The Roomatixs" would _pass_ more +balls--on their hands and knees--than the "Bloostockin's." These bets +were freely taken--by obligin' stake-holders. + +A friend of the "Bloostockin's" jumped upon a pile of stuns and said: + +"15 to 10 'the Roomatix' have got more _blinds_ than the +'Bloostockin's.'" + +No takers--I guess he would have won his bet, for just at this juncture +a "Roomatix" was at the bat. + +The Umpire moved his head. + +The old man thought it was the ball, and he "muffed" the "Umpire's" head +with his wash-bord. + +The Umpire turned suddenly and wanted to know: "Who was firin' spit +balls at his back hair?" + +One "innins," the ball was rolled through, it struck the batter in the +rite eye. + +"Out on rite eye," cride the Umpire, and the batter was minus an eye. + +Next man to the bat. + +His eyes were gummy. He coulden't see the ball. + +He heard the ball rollin'. + +He raised his wash-board. + +His strength gave way. + +Down came the bat, and the handle of the wash-bord entered his eye. + +"Out! on the left eye," screams the Umpire. + +Old man No. 3 went to the wash-bord. + +The ball came tearin' along. + +It was a little too swift for the old man.--Rather too much "English" +into it. It "Kissed" and made a "scratch," strikin' the "Cushion" +between the old man's eyes. + +This gave him the "cue." Tryin' to make a "draw" with the wash bord, so +as to "Uker" the ball, and "checkmate" the other club, he was +"distansed," and his spectacles went flyin', smashin' the glass and +shuttin' off his eyesite. + +"Out! agin," bellers the Umpire. + +This was the first _Blind_ innin's for the "Roomatix." + +The "Bloostockin's" bein' told how this innin's stood, by addressin' +them through their ear-trumpets, made a faint effort to holler +"Whooray!" + +And, I am grieved to say it, one by-stander, who diden't understand the +grate nashunal game, wanted to know: + +"What in thunder them old dry bones was cryin' about" + +It was a crooel remark, altho' the old men, not bein' used to hollerin' +much, and not havin' any teeth, did make rather queer work tryin' to +holler. + +Ime sorry to say, the game wasen't finished. + +Refreshments were served at the end of this innin's, consistin' of +Slippery Elm tea and water gruel. + +The old men eat harty. + +This made them sleepy, and the consequence was, that the minnit they was +led out on the grass, "Sleep, barmy sleep," got the best of 'em, and +they laid down and slept like infants. + +Both nines were then loaded onto stone botes and drawn off of the field. + +The friends of both sides _drew_ their stake money, and the Umpire, +_drawin'_ a long breath, declared the match a _draw_ game. + +Basely Ewers, HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Bad Eggs. + + +The following suggestive item appears in an evening paper: + +"Illinois boasts of chickens hatched by the sun." + +Well, New York can beat Illinois at that game. The chickens hatched by +the _Sun_, here, are far too numerous for counting, and they are curses +of the kind that will assuredly "come home to roost." + + * * * * * + +Disagreeable, but True. + + +The restoration of the Bourbon dynasty is reckoned possible in France. + +In this country the Bourbon die-nasty has never been played out. It is a +malignant disease, sometimes known as _delirium tremens._ + + * * * * * + +Musical. + + +Mlle. Silly, the daily papers inform us, has been engaged for the Grand +Opera House in _opera bouffe_, and will make her _début_ about the +middle of September. The lady should not be confounded with any of our +New York "girls of the period" who bear, (or ought to bear,) her name. + + * * * * * + +Caution to Readers. + + +Seven steady business men of this city, four solid capitalists of +Boston, eighteen Frenchmen residents of the United States, but doing +business nowhere, and a German butcher in the Bowery, have just been +added to sundry lunatic asylums, their intellects having become +hopelessly deranged from reading the conflicting telegrams about the war +in Europe. + + * * * * * + +A Parallel. + + +In one of the reports of the Coroner's investigation of the Twenty-third +street murder, it was mentioned that "Several ladies and some young +children occupied chairs within the railing." + +When REAL was hanged, it was noticeable that a great number of women +appeared in the morbid crowd that surrounded the Tombs, many of them +with small children in their arms. + +Fifth Avenue and Five Points! Six of one and half-a-dozen of the other! +Blood _will_ tell! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HAZARD OF THE HORSE-CARS. + +THIS IS STUBBS, (_an incorrigible old bachelor_,) WHO TAKES AN OPEN CAB, +FOR GREENWOOD, AND IS COMPELLED TO DO THE WHOLE DISTANCE SO. + +Illustration: AND THIS IS THE WAY IN WHICH DOBBS, WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN +DELIGHTED WITH STUBB'S LUCK, IS MADE TO SUFFER MARTYRDOM ON _his_ +LITTLE EXCURSION] + + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO V. + + "Let's go to bed," says Sleepy Head, + "Tarry awhile," says Slow; + "Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut, + "We'll sup before we go." + +These lines the observant student of nursery literature will perceive +are satirical. Was there ever a poet who was not satirical? How could he +be a genius and not be able to point out the folly he sees around him +and comment upon it. In this case, the poor poet,--who lived in a +roseate cloud-land of his own, not desiring such mundane things as sleep +and food, was undoubtedly troubled and plagued to death by having +brothers and sisters who were of the earth, earthy; and who never +neglected on opportunity to laugh at his poems; to squirt water on him +when in the heavenly mood, his eyes in frenzy rolling; to put spiders +down his back; to stick pins in his elbows when writing; or upset his +inkstand. + +Fine natures always have a deal to bear, in this world, from the coarse, +unfeeling natures that cannot appreciate their delicacy; and this one +had more than his share. + +Many a time has he been goaded to frenzy by the cruel sneers and jokes +of those who should have been proud of his talents; and rushed with +wild-eyed eagerness down to the gentle frog pond, intending there to +bury his sorrows beneath its glassy surface. He saw in imagination the +grief-stricken faces of those cruel ones as they gazed upon his cold +corpus, with his damp locks clinging to his noble brow, the green slimy +weeds clasped in his pale hands, and the mud oozing from his pockets and +the legs of his pants; and he gloried in the remorse and anguish they +would feel when they knew that the Poet of the family was gone forever. + +All this he pictured as he stood on the bank, and, while thinking, the +desire to plunge in grew smaller by degrees and beautifully less, till +at last it vanished entirely, and he concluded he had better go home, +finish his book first and drown himself afterwards, if necessary. It +would make much more stir in the world, and his name and works might +live forever. + +A happy thought strikes him as he slowly meanders homeward. He would +have revenge. He would punish these wretches by handing down--to +posterity their peculiarities. He would put it in verse and have it +printed in his book, and then they'd see that even the gentle worm could +turn and sting. + +Ah! blessed thought. He flies to his garret bedroom, seizes his +goose-quill and paper, and sits down. What shall he write about? He +nibbles the feather end of his pen, plunges the point into the ink, +looks at it intently to see if he has hooked up an idea, sees none, and +falls to nibbling again. Ah! now he has it. There is TOM, the +dunderhead, who is always sleepy and he will put that down about him. +Squaring his shoulders, he writes: + + "Let's go to bed," says Sleepy Head. + +Gleefully he rubs his hands. Won't that cut TOM. Ah! Ha! I guess TOM +won't say much more about staring at the moon. Now for DICK, the old +stupid. What shall he say about him? The end of the pen diminishes +slowly but surely, and then he writes: + + "Tarry awhile," says Slow. + +That will answer for DICK. Now let him give HARRY something scorching, +withering, and cutting--so that he'll never open his mouth again unless +it is to put something in it. Oh, that is it, he is always hungry--rub +him on that. He thinks intently. Determination shows in every line of +his face; the pen is almost gone only an inch remains, and then the Poet +masters his subject. He has got the last two lines. + + "Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut, + "We'll sup before we go." + +He throws down the stump of the pen and bounces up. His object in life +is accomplished; he is master of the situation, now, and holds the trump +card. See the quiet smile' and knowing look as he folds the paper up, +and thrusts it into his pocket. He is going down-stairs to read it to +the family. Now is the time for sweet revenge and for the overthrow of +those Philistines, his brothers. He descends slowly, like an avenging +angel, enters the room, and--gentle reader, imagine the rest. + + * * * * * + +Masculine or Feminine? + +It now seems that the new and terrible fagot-gun used in the French army +is to be spoken of in the feminine gender--_mitrailleuse_ instead of +_mitrailleur_, as hitherto spelt by correspondents. That a virago is +sometimes termed a "spit-fire" we all know, but that is hardly reason +enough to excuse the French for such a lapse of gallantry as calling a +thunderous and fatal implement of war by a soft feminine name. Let them +stick to _mitrailleur_. Yet we would not rashly throw the other word +away. _Mitrailleuse_ would be a capital acquisition to the English +language, and very handy for any man having a vixen of a wife, with no +nice pet name convenient with which to conciliate her. + + * * * * * + +A Ridiculous Rub-a-dub. + +A quiet gentleman who occupies lodgings immediately opposite one of the +city armories, writes to us asking whether the drum corps that practice +there two or three evenings in the week should not be supplied with +noiseless drums, as PUNCHINELLO has suggested regarding the street +organs. PUNCHINELLO thinks the suggestion a good one. He would like to +see the beating of drums after night-fall abolished altogether In fact, +it is the only kind of Dead Beat to which he would lend his countenance. + + * * * * * + +A Clear Case. + +Some wiseacre has been trying to demonstrate, through the public press, +that POE did not write "The Raven." + +The man must be a Raven lunatic. + + * * * * * + +THE BALLARD OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY, AGED TEN, AND HIS BAD BROTHER. + +An obituary notice of a boy, 10 years old, in _The Wilmington +Commercial_, contains the following statement: "In his dying moments he +charged his brother WILLIAM not to dance, or sing any more songs. +Funeral services preached by the Rev WM. R. TUBB." + + This pious Boy lay on his bed, + A dying very fast; + 'Most every word this good Boy said, + They thought 'twould be his last. + + The Reverend Mr. TUBB was there, + A praying very slow; + It was a solemn, sad affair; + Twas plain the Boy must go. + + His brother WILLIAM:, he come o'er, + To which this good Boy cried, + "Oh, BILL, don't sing nor dance no more!" + And following which he died. + + Now WILLIAM, he had learnt a song + That pleased him very much: + He didn't know that it was wrong + To carol any such. + + He said he couldn't leave it go, + Not if he was to die; + And that same song, as all should know, + Was called by him, "Shoo Fly." + + He was informed by Mr. TUBBS + That he would fall down dead, + Or else get killed by stones or clubs, + With that thing in his head. + + But, such is life! Poor WILLIAM went + And sung his Shoo Fly o'er: + Not knowing that he would be sent + Where Shoo Flies are no more, + + He was a singing, one wet day, + And likewise dancing too, + When lightning took his sole away-- + Let this warn me and you! + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE CENSUS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I have always been in favor of the Census, the system +is questionable, perhaps, though that depends on how you like it. I have +found that it answers very well where the parties are highly +intelligent-like myself, for example. + +I drew up the following proclamation to read to the U.S. official in my +district: + +_Q._ What is your name? _A_ SARSFIELD YOUNG. What is yours? + +_Q._ What is your age? _A._ A., being asked how old he was, replied: If +I live as long again, and half as long again, and two years and a +half,--how old shall I be? + +_Q._ Where is your residence? _A._ I live at home with the family, have +often thought that, amid pleasures and palaces, there is no place like +home, unless it be a boarding house with hot and cold water. + +_Q._ What is your occupation? _A._ Taxpayer. This takes my whole time + +_Q._ Where were you born? _A._ Having made no minute of it at the time, +it has passed out of my memory. + +_Q._ What kind of a house do you live in? _A._ A mortgaged house, +painted flesh color, a front exposure, brick windows and a brass +lightning rod. A good deal of back yard, (and back rent,) to it. + +_Q._ At what age did your grandfather die? _A._ If he died last night, +(I saw him yesterday at a horse race,) he was turning ninety-eight, +perhaps he got tipped over in the turn. + +_Q._ Do you hold any official position: if so, what? _A._ Inspector of +fish,--every Friday. + +_Q._ Are you insured? A. I am agent for half a dozen companies. So are +all my neighbors. My life is insured against fire for several thousands. + +_Q._ Are you troubled with chilblains? _A._ Quitely. I soak my feet in +oil of vitriol. + +_Q._ Were you in the war? _A._ I have the scar on my arm which I got in +the service. I was vaccinated severely, while clerk to a substitute +broker at Troy, N. Y. + +_Q._ Are you a graduate of any College. _A._ Yes, of one. I forget which +one. I only remember that I was one of the most remarkable men they ever +turned out. + +_Q._ Have you suffered from the potato rot? _A,_ Not myself. My uncle +had it bad. He found that whiskey and warm water was a very good thing. +I've made an independent discovery of the same fact, also. + +_Q._ Are you in favor of Free Trade or Protection? _A_. I can only say +that, if elected, gentlemen, I shall endeavor to do my whole duty. I am. + +_Q._ What do you think of deep plowing? _A._ In a scanty population, I +should say it has a bad effect. I can recommend it, however, in a sandy +soil, where school privileges are first-class. + +_Q._ Does anything else occur to you which it is important for the +Government to know? _A._ Yes: a hay fever occurs to me regularly once a +year. I have no policy to enforce against the will of the people: Still +I would call the attention of the medicine-loving public to my friend +Dr. EZRA CUTLER'S "Noon-day Bitters." For ringing in the ears, loss of +memory, bankruptcy, teething, and general debility, they are without a +rival. No family should live more than five minutes walk from a bottle. +They gild the morning of youth, cherish manhood, and comfort old age, +with the name blown on the bottle in plain letters. Beware of +impositions--at all respectable druggists. + +* * I believe in taking things easy, and I shall cheerfully assist the +Administration, when it calls at my door on Census business. + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +Facilis Descensus + +The daily papers frequently have articles respecting the "Hell Gate +Obstructions." We do not, however, remember having seen that subject +handled in the _Sun._ Perhaps it is that DANA and DYER, conscious of +their deserts, do not anticipate any obstructions in that quarter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARISTOCRACY IN THE KITCHEN. + +_Lady_, (responsively.) "THAT FASHIONABLY DRESSED WOMAN WHO HAS JUST +PASSED, DEAR? OH, THAT'S MY COOK, TAKING HER SUNDAY WITH THE GROCER'S +YOUNG MAN. SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES ME ON SUCH OCCASIONS."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT SHALL WE CALL IT? + +Having made up my mind to become a novelist, I naturally studied the +productions of my predecessors, and found out, I assure you, in a very +brief period of time, the little tricks of the trade. As I do not wish +to have the business flooded with neophytes, I refrain from informing +your readers how every man can become his own novel writer. One very +curious thing, however, which I discovered, I will here relate. + +I was very much puzzled by the curious titles which novelists selected +for their books, and very much annoyed by my inability to discover where +they picked them up. I persevered, however, and discovered that they +found them in the daily papers. In fact, I shrewdly suspect that I have +discovered, in these veracious sheets, the very incidents which +suggested the names of a number of volumes. Let me place before you the +extracts, which I have culled from the papers. + +_"Put Yourself in his Place."_--READE. + +"Yesterday morning an unknown man was found hanging from the limbs of a +tree in JONES' Wood. He was quite dead when discovered." + +_"Red as a Rose is She."_ + +"Bridget Flynn was arrested for vagrancy. When brought before the Court +she was quite drunk. She had evidently been a hard drinker for years, as +her face was of a brilliant carmine color." + +_"Man and Wife."_ COLLINS. + +"Married.--At Salt Lake City, on the 1st day of August, 1870, BRIGHAM +YOUNG, Esq., to Miss LETITIA BLACK, Mrs. SUSAN BROWN and Miss JENNIE +SMITH." + +_"What will he do with it?"_ BULWER. + +"It is stated by the police authorities, that the description of Mr. +NATHAN'S watch has been spread so widely, that the robber will be unable +to dispose of it to any jeweler or pawnbroker." + +_"Our Mutual Friend"_--DICKENS. + +"England is supplying both France and Prussia with horses." + +_"John."_--Mrs. OLIPHANT. + +"Mr. SAMPSON has sent to California for another cargo of Chinese +shoemakers." + +_"Friends in Council."_--HELPS. + +"Mr. Drew and Mr. Fisk were closeted together for more than an hour +yesterday." + +_"A Tale of Two Cities."_--DICKENS. + +"The census will show that our city has a population of at least +500,000."--_Chicago paper._ + +"St Louis has undoubtedly a population of 400,000."--_St. Louis paper._ + +"Chicago, 300,000; St. Louis, 190,000."--_Census returns._ + +_"Stern Necessity."_--F.W. ROBINSON. + +"It is stated that a well-known yacht failed to win the prize in the +late race, because her rudder slipped out of her fastenings and was +lost." + + * * * * * + +ITEMS FROM OUR RURAL REPORTERS. + +A German farmer, living not one hundred miles from Cincinnati, is +raising trichinated pork for the supply of the French army. + +The artist who drew the Newfoundland dog (out of the water,) at Newport, +R.I., has received a medal from the Royal Humane Society of England, on +condition that he will not Meddle with dogs any more. + +Near Ashland, in Virginia, a spring has been discovered that runs +chicken soup. So great was the commotion in culinary arrangements, when +the discovery was made public, that "the dish ran after the spoon." + +The curious crustacean known as the "fiddler crab" is unusually numerous +in the marshes of Long Island, this summer. It differs from impecunious +persons inasmuch as it is a burrowing, not a borrowing, creature. It +differs from ordinary fiddlers by two letters, in that it bores the +earth, but not the ear. + +It is an established fact that persona who sleep on mattresses stuffed +with pigeon's feathers never die. Near Salem, Mass., there is now a +woman nearly two hundred years old, who has been bed-ridden and confined +to a pigeon-feather bed for one hundred and fifty years. One of her +descendants a shrewd man-has discovered that the pigeon feathers are +growing musty, and proposes to replace them with the plumage of geese. + +There is a wild man at large in the woods of Sullivan County, N.Y. He +was once a fast man of New York City, and is so fast, still, that nobody +can catch him. + +A gentleman residing in the vicinity of Glen Cove had a Newfoundland dog +that was very expert at catching lobsters. The faithful animal has been +missing for some time, but a clue to its fate was yesterday obtained by +its owner, who found the brass collar of the dog inside a large lobster +with which he was about to construct a salad. + +An English nobleman has taken up his residence in the centre of the +Dismal Swamp, Va. Blighted affections are supposed to be the cause of +his trouble, as he always wears at the top buttonhole of his coat a +_chignon_ made of red hair. + + * * * * * + +"That's what's the Matter." + +Among the lectures announced for the coming season is Mrs. CECILIA +BURLEIGH'S "Woman's right to be a Woman." We quite agree with Mrs. +BURLEIGH'S remark. Woman _is_ right to be a woman, but the matter just +now is that woman wants to be a man. + + * * * * * + +Couplet from a Shaker Song. + + + O! Mr. President, you'll have to keep on pegging + At this English Mission, which seems to go a-begging. + Hi! yi! yi! etc. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Respectfully call the attention of their Customers and | + | Strangers to their attractive Stock | + | | + | OF | + | | + | SUMMER AND FALL | + | | + | DRESS SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | Striped, Checked and Chine | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard; | + | value $1.50 to $3 | + | | + | PLAIN FOULARD, | + | | + | $1.50, value $2 per yard. | + | 24 inch Black and White | + | Striped $1.75; value $2.50. | + | | + | STRIPED SATINS, | + | | + | $1.25; value $2. | + | | + | Plain and Striped Japanese, | + | | + | 75c. and $1 per yard. | + | | + | Rich White and Colored Dress Satins, | + | | + | Extra Quality. | + | | + | A CHOICE LINE OF | + | | + | PLAIN GRAINS, | + | | + | for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3; | + | value $3 to $3.50 per yard. | + | | + | A FEW EXTRA RICH | + | | + | SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN SILKS, | + | | + | Black and Colored, $2. | + | | + | JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH | + | | + | SILKS. | + | | + | GREAT BARGAINS. | + | | + | A COMPLETE STOCK | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | PLAIN AND STRIPED | + | | + | GAZE DE CHAMBREY, | + | | + | Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering several lots of | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPING GOODS | + | | + | MUCH BELOW | + | | + | COST OF IMPORTATION. | + | | + | 5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK | + | NAPKINS, from $1 to $3.50 per doz. | + | | + | DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from | + | $1.50 to $2.75 each. | + | | + | Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all | + | linen, from 40 to 75c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per | + | yard. | + | | + | PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard | + | | + | LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, | + | at $2.5O and upward. | + | | + | Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 | + | per doz. and upward. | + | | + | Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 | + | per yard and upward. | + | | + | Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard | + | pieces, $3.25 per piece. | + | | + | Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery | + | Diapers, various widths, at $1 per piece | + | below Current prices. | + | | + | MARSEILLES | + | | + | QUILTS AND BLANKETS, | + | | + | AT LOW PRICES. | + | | + | Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13x18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: CROCODILE TEARS.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared. | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION | + | | + | OR | + | | + | Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St. Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St, New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," | + | "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the | + | world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of | + | stamp. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | P.O. Box 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO | + | BY ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found at the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | + | Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau | + | St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Geo. W. Wheat & Co. Printers, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, +September 3, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 23 *** + +***** This file should be named 10017-8.txt or 10017-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10017/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10017] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 23 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by<br> + </p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img alt="Carbolic Salve" src="images/01a.jpg"> + <p>Recommended by Physicians.</p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS</p> + <p>SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p><b>PRICE 25 CENTS</b>.</p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/01.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 23.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="6"> + <p><big><big><big><b>$47,000 REWARD.</b></big></big></big></p> + <p>PROCLAMATION.</p> + <p><b>The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan</b>.</p> + <p>The widow having determined to increase the rewards heretofore +offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), and no result having yet +been obtained, and suggestions having been made that the rewards were +not sufficiently distributive or specific, the offers in the previous +proclamation are hereby superseded by the following:</p> + <p>A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and conviction +of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was killed in hie house, No. 12 +West Twenty-third Street, New York, on the morning of Friday, July 29.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt Studs which +were taken from the clothing of the deceased on the night of the +murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and +1-16 carats, and the other, a flat stone, showing nearly a surface of +one carat, weighed 3/4 and 1-32. All three were mounted in skeleton +settings, with spiral screws, but the color of the gold setting of the +flat diamond was not so dark as the other two.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor Hunting-case +Stem-winding Watch, No. 5657, 19 lines, or about two inches in +diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for the Chain and Seals thereto +attached. The Chain is very massive, with square links, and carries a +Pendant Chain with two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," +cut thereon.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to the +identification and recovery of an old-fashioned open-faced Gold Watch, +with gold dial, showing rays diverging from the center, and with raised +figures; believed to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at +the same time as the above articles.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold +Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears an +inscription of presentation not precisely known, but believed to be +either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the Jews' Hospital," or, "To +Benjamin Nathan, President of the Jews' Hospital."</p> + <p>A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete detailed +information descriptive of this medal, which may be useful in securing +its recovery.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to +the identification of the instrument used in committing the murder, +which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece of wrought iron +about sixteen inches long, turned up for about an inch at each end, and +sharp; such as is used by ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, +ladder-makers, pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their +flasks.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the morning +of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick up a piece of +paper lying there, and then walk away with it, if he will come forward +and produce it.</p> + <p>Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the +Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New York; or to +James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer.</p> + <p>A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR.</p> + <p>The foregoing rewards are offered by the request of, and are +guaranteed by me.</p> + <p>Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN,</p> + <p>Widow of B. NATHAN.</p> + <p>The following reward has also been offered by the New York +Stock Exchange:</p> + <p>$10,000.—The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten +Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the murderer or +murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of said Exchange, who was +killed on the night of July 28, 1870, at his house in Twenty-third +street. New York City.</p> + <p>J. L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman</p> + <p>Gov. Com.</p> + <p>D. C. HAYS, Treasurer.<br> +B. O. WHITE, Secretary.<br> +MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870.</p> + </td> + <td> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;">TO NEWS-DEALERS.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>Punchinello's +Monthly.</big></big></p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">The Weekly Numbers for July.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;"><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover</b>,</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Supplied by the</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;"> <big>AMERICAN +NEWS COMPANY,</big></p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Who are now prepared to receive +Orders.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>FORST & AVERELL</b></p> + <p><b>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres</b></p> + <p><b>PRINTERS</b>,</p> + <p><b>EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS</b>.</p> + <p>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</p> + <b>23 Platt Street, and<br> +20-22 Gold Street</b>,<br> +[P.O. Box 2845.]<br> +NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FOLEY'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></p> + <p>THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + <p><b>256 BROADWAY</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + <br> + </big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <br> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <br> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <br> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i></p> + <p>REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <br> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b><big><big>$2</big></big><br> +to ALBANY and TROY</b>.</big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew</b>, +commencing May 31, will leave vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs</b>. Fare <b>$4.25</b> from New York and for +Cherry Valley. The Steamboat <b>Seneca</b> will transfer passengers +from Albany to Troy.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J.M. Sprague</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Is the Authorized Agent</span> +of</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + <p><small>For the</small></p> + <p>New England States,</p> + <p>To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassors.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p>Draughtsman & Designer</p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small><br> + </small> </div> + <hr style="width: 45%; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small><br> + </small> </div> + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>Entered, according to Act +of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, +in the Clerk's Office<br> +of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District +of New York.</small></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD:</b></p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p>CHAPTER XVI.</p> + <p>AVUNCULAR DEVOTIO</p> + <p>Having literally <i>fallen</i> asleep from his chair to the +rug, J. BUMSTEAD, Esquire, was found to have reached such an +extraordinary depth in slumber, that Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, his landlord +and landlady, who were promptly called in by Mr. DIBBLE, had at first +some fear that they should never be able to drag him out again. In +pursuance, however, of a mode of treatment commended to their judgment, +by frequent previous practice with the same patient, the good couple +poured a pitcher of water over his fallen head; hauled him smartly up +and down the room, first by a hand and then by a foot; singed his +whiskers with a hot poker, held him head-downward for a time, and tried +various other approved allopathic remedies. Seeing that he still slept +profoundly, though appearing, by occasional movements of his arms, to +entertain certain passing dreams of single combats, the quick womanly +wit of Mrs. SMYTHE finally hit upon the homoeopathic expedient of +softly shaking his familiar antique flask at his right ear. Scarcely +had the soft, liquid sound therefrom resulting been addressed for a +minute to the auricular orifice, when a singularly pleasing smile +wreathed the countenance of the Ritualistic organist, his eyelids flew +up like the spring-covers of two valuable hunting-case watches, and he +suddenly arose to a sitting position upon the rug and began feeling +around for the bed-clothes.</p> + <p>"There!" cried Mrs. SMYTHE, greatly affected by his pathetic +expression of countenance, "you're all right now, sir. How worn-out you +must have been, to sleep so!"</p> + <p>"Do you always go to sleep with such alarming suddenness?" +asked Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>"When I have to go anywhere, I make it a rule to go at +once:—similarly, when going to sleep," was the answer. "Excuse me, +however, for keeping you waiting, Mr. DIBBLE. We've had quite a rain, +sir."</p> + <p>His hair, collar, and shoulders being very wet from the water +which had been poured upon him during his slumber, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in his +present newly-awake frame of mind, believed that a hard shower had +taken place, and thereupon turned moody.</p> + <p>"We've had quite a rain, sir, since I saw you last," he +repeated, gloomily, "and I am freshly reminded of my irreparable loss."</p> + <p>"Such an open, spring-like character!" apostrophized the +lawyer, staring reflectively into the grate.</p> + <p>"Always open when it rained, and closing with a spring," said +Mr. BUMSTEAD, in soft abstraction lost.</p> + <p>"<i>Who</i> closed with a spring?" queried the elder man, +irascibly.</p> + <p>"The umbrella," sobbed JOHN BUMSTEAD.</p> + <p>"I was speaking of your nephew, sir!" was Mr. DIBBLE'S +impatient explanation.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD stared at him sorrowfully for a moment, and then +requested Mrs. SMYTHE to step to a cupboard in the next room and +immediately pour him out a bottle of soda-water which she should find +there.</p> + <p>"Won't you try some?" he asked the lawyer, rising limply to +his feet when the beverage was brought, and drinking it with +considerable noise.</p> + <p>"No, thank you," returned Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>"As you please, then," said the organist, resignedly. "Only, +if you have a headache don't blame me. (Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, you may +place a few cloves where I can get them, and retire.) What you have +told me, Mr. DIBBLE, concerning the breaking of the engagement between +your ward and my nephew, relieves my mind of a load. As a +right-thinking man, I can no longer suspect you of having killed EDWIN +DROOD."</p> + <p>"Suspect ME?" screamed the aged lawyer, almost leaping into +the air.</p> + <p>"Calm yourself," observed Mr. BUMSTEAD, quietly, the while he +ate a sedative clove. "I say that I can <i>not</i> longer suspect you. +I can not think that a person of your age would wantonly destroy a +human life merely to obtain an umbrella."</p> + <p>Absolutely purple in the face, Mr. DIBBLE snatched his hat +from a chair just as the Ritualistic organist was about to sit upon it, +and was on the point of hurrying wrathfully from the room, when the +entrance of Gospeler SIMPSON arrested him.</p> + <p>Noting his agitation, Mr. BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear +him from suspicion in the new-comer's mind also.</p> + <p>"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad +affair we must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be +as innocent as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor +is concerned, I wholly acquit him of all guilty knowledge of my nephew +and umbrella."</p> + <p>Too apoplectic with suffocating emotions to speak, Mr. DIBBLE +foamed slightly at the month and tore out a lock or two of his hair.</p> + <p>"And I believe that my unhappy pupil, Mr. PENDRAGON, is as +guiltless," responded the puzzled Gospeler. "I do not deny that he had +a quarrel with Mr. DROOD, in the earlier part of their acquaintance; +but, as you, Mr. BUMSTEAD, yourself, admit, their meeting at the +Christmas-Eve dinner was amicable; as I firmly believe their last +mysterious parting to have been."</p> + <p>The organist raised his fine head from the shadow of his right +hand, in which it had rested for a moment, and said, gravely: "I cannot +deny, gentlemen, that I have had my terrible distrusts of you all. Even +now, while, in my deepest heart, I release Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. PENDRAGON +from all suspicion, I cannot entirely rid my mind of the impression +that you, Mr. SIMPSON, in an hour when, from undue indulgence in +stimulants, you were not wholly yourself, may have been tempted, by the +superior fineness of the alpaca, to slay a young man inexpressibly dear +to us all."</p> + <p>"Great heavens, Mr. BUMSTEAD!" panted the Gospeler, livid with +horror, "I never—"</p> + <p>—"Not a word, sir!" interrupted the Ritualistic organist,—"not +a word, Reverend sir, or it may be used against you at your trial."</p> + <p>Pausing not to see whether the equally overwhelmed old lawyer +followed him, the horribly astounded Gospeler burst precipitately from +the house in wild dismay, and was presently hurrying past the pauper +burial-ground. Whether he had been drawn to that place by some one of +the many mystic influences moulding the fates of men, or because it +happened to be on his usual way home, let students of psychology and +topography decide. Thereby he was hurrying, at any rate, when a shining +object lying upon the ground beside the broken fence, caused him to +stop suddenly and pick up the glittering thing. It was an oroide watch, +marked E.D.; and, a few steps further on, a coppery-looking seal-ring +also attracted the finder's grasp. With these baubles in his hand the +genial clergyman was walking more slowly onward, when it abruptly +occurred to him, that his possession of such property might possibly +subject him to awkward consequences if he did not immediately have +somebody arrested in advance. Perspiring freely at the thought, he +hurried to his house, and, there securing the company of MONTGOMERY +PENDRAGON, conveyed his beloved pupil at once before Judge SWEENEY, and +made affidavit of finding the jewelry. The jeweler, who had wound EDWIN +DROOD'S watch for him on the day of the dinner, promptly identified the +timepiece by the innumerable scratches around the keyhole; Mr. +BUMSTEAD, though at first ecstatic with the idea that the seal-ring was +a ferule from an umbrella, at length allowed himself to be persuaded +into a gloomy recognition of it as a part of his nephew, and MONTGOMERY +was detained in custody for further revelations.</p> + <p>News of the event circulating, the public mind of +Bumsteadville lost no time in deploring the incorrigible depravity of +Southern character, and recollecting several horrors of human Slavery. +It was now clearly remembered that there had once been rumors of +terrible cruelties by a PENDRAGON family to an aged colored man of +great piety; who, because he incessantly sang hymns in the +cotton-field, was sent to a field farther from the PENDRAGON mansion, +and ultimately died. Citizens reminded each other, that when, during +the rebellion, a certain PENDRAGON of the celebrated Southern +Confederacy met a former religious chattel of his confronting him with +a bayonet in the loyal ranks, and immediately afterwards felt a cold, +tickling sensation under one of his ribs, he drew a pistol upon the +member of the injured race, who subsequently died in Ohio of fever and +ague. What wonder was it, then, that this young PENDRAGON with an +Indian club and a swelled head should secretly slaughter the nephew and +appropriate the umbrella of one of the most loyal and devoted +Ritualists that ever sent a substitute to battle? In the mighty +metropolis, too, the Great Dailies—those ponderous engines of varied +and inaccurate intelligence—published detailed and mistaken reports of +the whole affair, and had subtle editorial theories as to the nature of +the crime. The <i>Sun,</i> after giving a cut of an old-fashioned +parlor-grate as a diagram of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S house, and a portrait of +Mr. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG as a correct photograph of the alleged murderer +by ROCKWOOD, said:—"The retention of Mr. FISH as Secretary of State by +the present venal Administration, and the official countenance +otherwise corruptly given to friends of Spanish tyranny who do not take +the <i>Sun,</i> are plainly among the current encouragements to such +crime as that in the full reporting of which to-day the <i>Sun's</i> +advertisements are crowded down to a single page, as usual. Judge +CONNOLLY, after walking all the way from Yorkville, agrees with the <i>Sun</i> +in believing, that something more than an umbrella tempted this young +MONTMORENCY PADREGON to waylay EDWIN WOOD. To-morrow we shall give the +public still further exclusive revelations, such as the immense +circulation of the New York <i>Sun</i> enables us especially to +obtain. On this, as upon every occasion of the publication of the <i>Sun,</i> +we shall leave out columns upon columns of profitable advertising, in +order that no reader of the <i>Sun</i> shall be stinted in his +criminal news. The <i>Sun</i> (price two cents) has never yet been +bought by advertisers, and never will be." The <i>Tribune</i> said: +"What time the reader can spare from perusing our special dispatches +concerning the progress of Smalleyism in Europe, shall, undoubtedly, be +given to our female-reporter's account of the alleged tragedy at +Bumperville. There are reasons of manifest propriety to restrain us, as +superior journalists, from the sensational theorizing indulged by +editors choosing to expend more care and money upon local news than +upon European rumors; but we may not injudiciously hazard the +assumption, that, were the police under any other than Democratic +domination, such a murder as that alleged to have been committed by +MANTON PENJOHNSON on BALDWIN GOOD had not been possible. PENJOHNSON, it +shall be noticed, is a Southerner, while young GOOD was strongly +Northern in sentiment; and it requires no straining of a point to trace +in these known facts a sectional antagonism to which even a long war +has not yielded full sanguinary satiation." The <i>World</i> said: "<i>Acerrima +proximorum odia;</i> and, under the present infamous Radical abuse of +empire, the hatred between brothers, first fostered by the +eleutheromaniacs of Abolitionism, is bearing its bitter fruit of +private assassination at last. Somewhere amongst our <i>loci communes</i> +of to-day may be found a report of the supposed death, at +Hampsteadville (<i>not</i> Bumperville, as a radical contemporary has +it,) of a young Northerner named GOODWIN BLOOD, at the hands of a +Southern gentleman belonging to the stately old Southern family of +PENTORRENS. The PENTORRENS' are related, by old cavalier stock, to the +Dukes of Mandeville, whose present ducal descendant combines the +elegance of an Esterhazy with the intellect of an Argyle. That a scion +of such blood as this has reduced a fellow-being to a condition of +inanimate protoplasm, is to be regretted for his sake; but more for +that of a country in which the philosophy of COMTE finds in a corrupt +radical pantarchy all-sufficient first-cause of whatsoever is rotten in +the State of Denmark." The Times said: "We give no details of the +Burnstableville tragedy to-day, not being willing to pander to a +vitiated public taste; but shall do so to-morrow."</p> + <p>After reading these articles in the Great Dailies with +considerable distraction, and inferring therefrom, that at least three +different young Southerners had killed three different young +Northerners in three different places on Christmas-Eve, Judge SWEENEY +had a rush of blood to the brain, and discharged MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON +as a person of undistinguishable identity. But, when set at large, the +helpless youth could not turn a corner without meeting some bald-headed +reporter who raised the cry of "Stop thief!" if he sought to fly, and, +if he paused, interviewed him in a magisterial manner, and almost +tearfully implored him to Confess his crime in time for the Next +Edition.</p> + <p>Father DEAN, Ritual Rector of St. Cow's, meeting Gospeler +SIMPSON upon one of their daily strolls through the snow, said to him:</p> + <p>"This young man, your pupil, has sinned, it appears, and a +Ritualistic church, Mr. Gospeler, is no sanctuary for sinners."</p> + <p>"I cannot believe that the sin is his, Holy Father," answered +the Reverend OCTAVIUS, respectfully: "but, even if it is, and he is +remorseful for it, should not our Church cover him with her wings?"</p> + <p>"There are no wings to St. Cow's yet," returned the Father, +coldly,—"only the main building; and that is too small to harbor any +sinner who has not sufficient means to build a wing or two for himself."</p> + <p>"Then," said the Gospeler, bowing his head and speaking +slowly, "I suppose he must go to the Other Church."</p> + <p>"What Other church?"</p> + <p>The Gospeler raised his hat and spoke reverently:—</p> + <p>That which is all of God's world outside this little church of +ours. That in which the Altar is any humble spot pressed by the knees +of the Unfortunate. That in which the priest is whoso doeth a good, +unselfish deed, even if in the shadow of the scaffold. That in which +the anthem of visible charity for an erring brother sinks into the +listening soul an echo of an unseen Father's pity and forgiveness, and +the choral service is the music of kind words to all who ever found but +unkind words before."</p> + <p>"You must mean the Church of the Pooritans," said the Ritual +Rector.</p> + <p>So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to +seek harbor where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD +exhibited to Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary.</p> + <p>"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the +watch and seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, was the +temptation of the murderer. I now swear that I will no more discuss +either my nephew or my umbrella with any living soul, until I have +found once more the familiar boyish form and alpaca canopy, or brought +vengeance upon him through whom I am nephewless and without protection +in the rain."</p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>CHINCAPIN AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: When Oratory, rising to its loftiest flights +upon the wings of Buncombe, denounces with withering scorn the effete +and tyrannical monarchies of Europe, and proclaims the glorious fact +that this is a Free Country, Fellow Citizens! it hardly does us +justice. We are not only free, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, we are Free and Easy, +sir. Breathes there a man so tortuously afflicted with Strabismus that +he doesn't see it? If such there be let him go and visit the Oneida +Community.</p> + <p>Last week I took a run down to Oneida myself. I found the +Communists a very Social crowd, I can assure you. PROUDHON himself +might be proud of such disciples, and DESIDERANT find nothing there to +be Desiderated. The Communists divide everything equally, particularly +the Affections, so there are no Better Halves among them. In Utah, you +are aware, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, the women are Sealed to the men, but among +these people they are not even Wafered. Your Own IDA may be anybody +else's in the Oneida Community. The only individuals that object to +Dividing are the children, who are generally opposed to Division, both +long and Short, as well as to Fractions.</p> + <p>Infants don't go for much among the Free Lovers, and are Put +Out—to Nurse. After the age of Fifteen months they are surrendered by +their Ma's to the Charge of the Two Hundred (the number of men and +women in the Community,) who become their common parents, and the +infants become common property. The domestic arrangements are entrusted +to two females, who are called the "Mothers of the Community." But +whether these dual Mothers Do All the Nursing I am unable to say.</p> + <p>I had a little conversation with the Eminent and Aged Free +Lover who acted as my guide, and I give it in the manner of the +"interviewing reporter."</p> + <p>CHINC. Venerable Seer, tip us your views on the subject of +Love.</p> + <p>AGED FREE-LOVER Do you then take an Interest in our Principles?</p> + <p>CHINC. (Dubiously.) Then you <i>have</i>—</p> + <p>A. F. L. Yes, of our own. They are not those of a prejudiced +Wor-r-r-ld. Our principles are Embraced in the Communism of Love and +Passional Attraction.</p> + <p>CHINC. (Confidently.) Ah, yes; of course—you are Free Lovers.</p> + <p>A. F. L. Sir-r-r?</p> + <p>CHINC. (Much abashed.) Excuse me. I am young, inexperienced, +and but slightly acquainted with the Dictionary.</p> + <p>A. P. L. So I see. Know, young man, that we scorn and +repudiate the name of Free Lovers as applied to us by the newspapers. +It is true we believe that Love should be untrammelled by the Hateful +Bonds of Marriage. With us a Lady may have an affinity for any number +of gentlemen, and vice-versa. But we are not Free Lovers.</p> + <p>CHINC. Oh, no! Not by no means. Not any.</p> + <p>A. F. L. (Growing eloquent.) We have only advanced from the +simple to the more complex form of matrimony. Why should not the +faithfulness which constitutes the wretchedly exclusive dual Marriage +of the Wor-r-r-ld exist as well between Two Hundred as between two? Why?</p> + <p>CHINC. Why, O why? But there may be reasons—</p> + <p>A.F.L. Young Man, reared in the hateful prejudices of an +Unprogressive Wor-r-ld, there air none.</p> + <p>CHINC. This system, as you, Ancient Person, observe, is much +complexed. Do I, then, understand you that a woman may have fifty +affinities and yet be faithful to each?</p> + <p>A.F.L. Yes, my son, any number. This plurality of affinities +you of course cannot appreciate. A prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld cannot +understand the Bond of Union which connects all the Brothers and +Sisters in a Spiritual Marriage. The results of the complex system are—</p> + <p>CHINC. (Interrupting.) I—I—fear the complexity of your system +is one too many for me. I feel that my Brow cannot stand the pressure. +I must away. Farewell, old man—Adieu!</p> + <p>Such, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is briefly the Free and Easy Doctrine +of Natural Affinity and Passional Attraction. I have no doubt there are +some illiberal Persons who would give it a much harsher name. For +myself, I believe in the Biggest kind of Liberty, but not for the +Biggest kind of Libertines. Reverentially yours,</p> + <p>CHINCAPIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/05.jpg"> + <p><b>LACONIC, BUT EXPRESSIVE.</b></p> + <p>SCENE: NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE FIVE POINTS</p> + <p><i>First Ruffian.</i> "WHERE TO NOW, SNOOTY?"</p> + <p><i>Second Ditto.</i> "PICNIC."</p> + <p><i>First Ditto.</i> "WOTTERYER GOT IN YER LUNCH WALLET?"</p> + <p><i>Second Ditto.</i> "SLUNG SHOT."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>REJUVENATED FRANCE.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO has perused a draft of the next Constitution of +the French people, or of France, if that is better. Unwilling to give +it to his readers in full, at present, he considers himself authorized, +however, to cite a few paragraphs of it, which will be found both +original and interesting.</p> + <p>FIFTY-SEVENTH CONSTITUTION OF FRANCE. (One a year, more or +less.)</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 1. The French Nation is sovereign; the French +people are sovereign; sovereigns are sovereign; every Frenchman is +sovereign.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 2. All men are equal, but Frenchmen are +highly superior to all other men.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 3. In order to secure peace, it is decreed +and plebiscited that all governments shall have a chance. For the next +ten years, or less, the Orleans Dynasty shall rule; after that a +BONAPARTE for a few years; then a Republic, "democratic and social," as +long as it can keep on its legs. After that a second Republic, for a +twelvemonth at least. Then an old BOURBON, if one can be found. After +this, a military dictatorship; the army to decide its duration. At each +change the people will decide by plebiscit whether they want the +respective governments to be: <i>personal</i>, <i>legal</i>, or +neither.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 4.—But here we must stop.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Titans.</b></p> + <p>The <i>Liberté</i> says: "A lot of crazy fellows tried +to proclaim the republic at Toulouse." Now there are manifestly two +errors in this statement. The fellows alluded to were not Toulouse, but +too tight fellows. Moreover, if they really had been crazies, as the <i>Liberté</i> +supposes, they would have been instantly arrested and sent to Paris, +under guard, by the way of the Madder line, to await the action of the +Prefect of the Sane.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Astronomical.</b></p> + <p>A NEW Milky Way has been discovered. It is the way the milk +producers (farmers, not cows,) of Westchester County have of insisting +upon raising their charges for milk from four cents to five cents a +quart, wholesale. We fail to discern the milk of human kindness, here; +but it is clear that the milk in the cocoa-nuts of these farmers is +mighty sour.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>WHAT SIGERSON SAYS.</b></p> + <p>SIGERSON (Dr.) of the Royal Irish Academy, has gone and said +some mighty unpleasant things about the Atmosphere. How he found them +out, we can't say, (and we hope <i>he</i> can't:) but nevertheless, he +declares, with the most dreadful calmness, that if you go to visit the +Iron Works, you will inevitably breathe a great many hollow Balls of +Iron, say about one two thousandth of an inch in diameter! What these +rather diminutive ferruginous globules will do for you, we do not know; +but you can see for yourself, that with your lungs full of little iron +balls you must certainly be in a "parlous" state. We should say that we +had quite as lief have the air full of those iron spheres, termed +Cannon Balls, as it is now in France. It is true, one couldn't get many +of <i>these</i> inside one with impunity; and equally true, that +foundry men do manage to live, with all that iron in their lungs; but +we can't say we desire to "build up an Iron Constitution," as the P-r-n +S-r-p folks say, by the inhaling process.</p> + <p>But SIGERSON is not content to render the neighborhood of Iron +Works questionable to the delicate and apprehensive; in "shirt-factory +air" he declares, upon honor, "there are little filaments of linen and +cotton, with minute eggs" (goodness gracious!) "Threshing machines," he +more than insinuates, "fill the air with fibres, starch-grains and +spores," (spores! think of that;) and (what is truly ha(i)rrowing,) in +"stables and barber's shops" you cannot but breathe "scales and hairs." +Good Heavens!</p> + <p>What he says of printers and smokers is simply horrible; in +short, this dreadful SIGERSON has gone and made life a wretched and +lingering (to quote the sensitive Mrs. GAMP,) "progiss through this +mortial wale."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES.</b></p> + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacation.</b></p> + <p>When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no +particular outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to +comprehends only males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. +But when we go to the Adirondacks,—certainly a most extraordinary place +of summer resort,—we require an outfit which is as remarkable as the +region itself. Thoroughly understanding this necessity, Mr. PUNCHINELLO +made himself entirely ready for a life in the woods before he set out +for the Adirondack Mountains. Witness the completeness of his +preparations.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/06a.jpg"> </center> + <p>The railroad to the heart of this delightful resort is not yet +finished, and when Mr. P. had completed his long journey, in which the +excellence and abominabitity,—so to speak,—of every American form of +conveyance was exhibited, he was glad enough to see before him those +charming wilds which are gradually being tamed down by the well-to-do +citizens of New York and Boston. He found that it was necessary, in +order to enter the district, to pass through a gate in a high +pale-fence, and, to his surprise, he was informed that he must buy a +ticket before being allowed to proceed. On inquiry, he discovered that +the Reverend Mr. MURRAY, of Boston, claiming the whole Adirondack +region by right of discovery, had fenced it entirely in, and demanded +entrance money of all visitors.</p> + <p>This was bad, to be sure, but there was no help for it, and +Mr. P. bought his ticket and passed in.</p> + <img alt="" align="right" src="images/06b.jpg"> + <p>The Adirondack scenery is peculiar. In the first place, there +are no pavements or gravel walks.</p> + <p>This is a grievous evil, and should be remedied by Mr. MURRAY +as soon as possible. The majority of the paths are laid out in the +following manner.</p> + <p>The scenery, however, would be very fine if the bugs were +transparent.</p> + <p>The multitudes of insectivorous carnivora, which arose to +greet Mr. P., effectually prevented him from seeing anything more than +a yard distant.</p> + <p>But if this had been all, Mr. P. would not have uttered a word +of complaint. It was not all, by any means.</p> + <p>These hungry creatures, these black-flies; midges; mosquitoes; +yellow bloodsuckers; poison-bills; corkscrew-stingers; hook-tailed +hornets; and all the rest of them settled down upon him until they +covered him like a suit of clothes. A warmer welcome was never extended +to a traveller in a strange land.</p> + <img alt="" align="left" src="images/06c.jpg"> + <p>In case his readers should not be familiar with the animal, +the accompanying drawing will give an admirable idea of the celebrated +black-fly of the Adirondacks, which, with the grizzly bear and the +rattlesnake, occupies the front rank among American ferocious animals.</p> + <p>After travelling on foot for a day and a night; drenched by +rain; scorched by the sun; crippled by rocks and roots; frightened by +rattle-snakes and panthers; blistered and swollen by poisonous insects; +nearly starved; tired to death; and presenting the most pitiable +appearance in the world, Mr. P. reached the encampment of Mr. MURRAY, +proprietor and exhibitor of the Adirondacks.</p> + <p>Knowing that there was quite a large company in the camp, Mr. +P. was almost ashamed to show himself in such a doleful plight, but he +soon found that there was no need for any scruples on that account, as +they were all as wretched looking as himself.</p> + <p>Mr. MURRAY welcomed him cordially, and after building a +"smudge" around him to keep off the flies, he gave Mr. P. some Boston +brown-bread and a glass of pure water from a rill.</p> + <p>This, with a sip from Mr. P.'s little flask, revived him +considerably, and after a night's rest on the lee side of a tree, where +the rain did not wet him nearly so much as if he had been on the other +side, Mr. P. felt himself equal to the task of enjoying the Adirondacks.</p> + <p>That morning, Mr. MURRAY conducted a melancholy party of +disconsolate pleasure-seekers to a neighboring stream, where he +instructed them to fish for trout.. He told them they must revel in the +delights of the scene, and should tremble with the wild rapture of +drawing from the rushing waters the bounding trout.</p> + <p>Mr. P. tried very hard to do this. He put his prettiest fly +and his sharpest hook on his longest line, and, for hours, gently +whipped the ripples. At last a speckled representative of the American +National Game-fish took compassion on the patient fisherman and entered +into a contest of skill with him. (A friendly match, and no bets on +either side.) The game lasted some time. The fish made some splendid +"fly-catches;" and Mr. P., slipping on a wet stone at the edge of the +brook, got in once on his base. On this occasion, the line and a +black-berry bush arranged a decided "foul" between them. At last, just +at the most interesting point of the game, the sudden sting of a +steel-bee caused Mr. P. to give a quick bawl, when the fish took a +home-run and came back no more. Time of game, 3h., 50m.</p> + <pre> Mr. P. 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0---1.<br> + Trout 6 9 8 7 9 9 9 9 9--75. + </pre> + <p>That afternoon Mr. MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, +Shanty Brook, Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little +mountain gutters of the kind than you could count on your fingers and +toes. As an aristocratic residence, this region is certainly superior +to New York, for the Murray Hills are as plenty as blackberries. The +next day they all went up Mount Marcy. When the ascent was completed, +everybody lay down and went to sleep. They were too tired to bother +themselves about the view. At length, after a good nap, Mr. MURRAY got +up and wakened the party, and they all came down.</p> + <img alt="" align="right" src="images/07.jpg"> + <p>They came by the way of the "grand slide," but Mr. P. didn't +like it. His tailor, however, will no doubt think very highly of it.</p> + <p>When all was quiet, that evening, on Dangle-worm Creek, near +which they were encamped, Mr. P. found the Reverend MURRAY sitting in +the smoke of his private smudge, enjoying his fragrant pipe. Seating +himself by the veteran pioneer, Mr. P. addressed him thus:</p> + <p>"Tell me, Mr. MURRAY, in confidence, your opinion of the +Adirondacks."</p> + <p>"Sir," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have no objection to give a person +of your respectability and knowledge of the world my opinion of this +region, but I do not wish it made public."</p> + <p>"Of course, sir!" said Mr. P. "A man of your station and +antecedents would not wish his private opinions to be made too public. +You may rely upon my discretion."</p> + <p>"Well, then," said the reverend mountaineer, "I think the +Adirondacks an unmitigated humbug, and I wish I had never let the world +know that there was such a place."</p> + <p>"Why then do you come here every season, sir?"</p> + <p>"After all I have written and said about it," said Mr. MURRAY, +"I have to come to keep up appearances. Don't you see? But I hate these +mountains from the bottom of my heart. For every word I have written in +praise of the region I have a black-fly-bite on my legs. For every word +I have said in favor of it I have a scratch or a bruise in some other +part of my corpus. I wish that there was no such a season as +summer-time, or else no such a place as the Adirondacks."</p> + <p>(Readers of this paper are requested to skip the above, as +those are Mr. MURRAY'S private opinions, and not the statements he +makes in public, and his desire to keep them dark should be respected.)</p> + <p>It may be of interest to his patrons to know that Mr. P. +arrived home safely and with whole bones.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RAMBLINGS.</b></p> + <p>BY MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: The editor of the Slunkville <i>Lyre</i> +says in his last issue:—</p> + <p>"Notwithstanding the calumnies of Mr. SKINNER, our reputation +is still good, and we continue to pay our debts promptly."</p> + <p>This is the fifth hoax he has perpetrated within two weeks. +His line of business at present seems to be the <i>canard</i> line.</p> + <p>I'll trust him out of sight if I can keep one eye on him. Not +otherwise.</p> + <p>For a light recreation, combining a little business, I +recommend his funeral.</p> + <p>It is pleasant to reflect that men of his stamp are never born +again. They are born once too much as it is.</p> + <p>He went to the Agricultural Fair last Fall. There was a big +potato there. After gazing spell-bound upon it for one hour, he rushed +home and set the following in type:</p> + <p>"What is the difference between the Rev. ADAM CLARK, and the +big potato at the fair? One is a Commentator, and the other is an <i>Un</i>common +'tater."</p> + <p>This conundrum was so exquisitely horrible, that his friends +hoped he'd have judgment enough to hang himself, but such things die +hard.</p> + <p>Colonel W-----'s Goat. Colonel W-----, is a great man in these +parts Like most village nabobs, he's a corpulent gentleman with a great +show of dignity, and in a white vest and gold-headed cane, looks +eminently respectable. He owns a hot-house, keeps a big dog that is +very savage, and his wife wears a silk dress at least three times a +week,—either of which will establish a man's reputation in a country +town.</p> + <p>Everything belonging to the Colonel is held in the utmost awe +by the villagers. The paper speaks of him as "our esteemed and talented +townsman, Col. W.," and alludes to his "beautiful and accomplished +wife," who, by the way, was formerly waiter in an oyster saloon, and +won the Colonel's affection by the artless manner in which she would +shout: "Two stews, plenty o' butter."</p> + <p>Like others of his stamp, the Colonel amounts to something +just where he is, but take him anywhere else, he'd be a first-class, +eighteen carat fraud.</p> + <p>Awhile ago, the Colonel bought a goat for his little boy to +drive in harness, and the animal often grazed at the foot of a cliff, +near the house. One day, a man wandering over this cliff fell and was +instantly killed, evidently having come in contact with the goat, for +the animal's neck was broken.</p> + <p>But what amused me was the way the aforesaid editor spoke of +the affair. He wrote half a column on the "sad death of Col. W's. +goat," but not a word of the unfortunate dead man, till he wound up as +follows:</p> + <p>"We omitted to state that a dead man was picked up near the +unfortunate goat. It is supposed that this person, in wandering over +the cliff, lost his foothold and fell, striking the doomed animal in +his progress. Thus, through the carelessness of this obscure +individual, was Col. W's. poor little goat hurled into eternity."</p> + <p>The Superintendent asked me last Sunday to take charge of a +class. "You'll find 'em rather a bad lot" said he. "They all went +fishing last Sunday but little JOHNNY RAND. <i>He</i> is really a good +boy, and I hope his example may yet redeem the others. I wish you'd +talk to 'em a little."</p> + <p>I told him I would.</p> + <p>They were rather a hard looking set. I don't think I ever +witnessed a more elegant assortment of black eyes in my life. Little +JOHNNY RAND, the good boy, was in his place, and I smiled on him +approvingly. As soon as the lessons were over, I said:</p> + <p>"Boys, your Superintendent tells me you went fishing last +Sunday. All but little JOHNNY, here."</p> + <p>"You didn't go, did you, JOHNNY?" I said.</p> + <p>"No, sir."</p> + <p>"That was right. Though this boy is the youngest among you," I +continued, "you will now learn from his lips words of good counsel, +which I hope you will profit by."</p> + <p>I lifted him up on the seat beside me, and smoothed his auburn +ringlets.</p> + <p>"Now, JOHNNY, I want you to tell your teacher, and these +wicked boys, why you didn't go fishing with them last Sunday. Speak up +loud, now. It was because it was very wicked, and you had rather come +to the Sunday School. Wasn't it?"</p> + <p>"No, sir, it was 'cos I couldn't find no worms for bait."</p> + <p>Somehow or other these good boys always turn out humbugs.</p> + <hr style="width: 10%;"> + <p>It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic +nature in an article intended to be humorous, but the following +displays such infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of +mind, that I cannot forbear. Although it occurred when I was quite +young, it is firmly impressed on my memory:</p> + <p>The autumn winds sighed drearily through the leafless trees, +as the solemn procession passed slowly into the quiet church-yard, and +paused before the open grave, where all that was mortal of LUCY C----- +was to be laid away forever, and when the white-haired old pastor, with +trembling voice, recounted her last moments, sobs broke out afresh, for +she was beloved by all.</p> + <p>The bereaved husband stood a little apart, and, though no tear +escaped him, yet we all instinctively felt that his heart was wrung +with agony, and his burden greater than he could bear. With folded +arms, and eyes bent upon the coffin, he seemed buried in a deep and +painful reverie. None dared intrude upon a grief so sacred. At last, +turning to his brother, and pointing to the coffin, he said:</p> + <p>"JOHN, don't you call that rather a neat looking box for four +dollars?"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Financial.</b></p> + <p>Our French editor thinks that the Imperial revenues ought to +be doubled at once, on the ground of the too evident Income-pittance of +the Emperor.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/08.jpg"> + <p>AN EXCURSION.</p> + <p><i>Fanny</i>. "ISN'T IT TOO BAD, FRANK; WE SHALL GET BACK TO +TOWN LONG BEFORE DARK."</p> + <p>(<i>Fact is, Fanny has a thick shawl, and it would be so nice +to share it with Frank.</i>)</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I see you have been at the White Sulphur +Springs; but you forgot to tell us what we were all dying to hear about +the waters. Several friends had suggested that I should go to some +watering place where I could get nothing else but water to drink, or to +some spring where I couldn't get "sprung." I tried the White Sulphur, +and while there learned some facts that may be useful to others who +seek them for a similar purpose.</p> + <p>These springs differ from the European springs in that they +were not discovered by the Romans. The Latin conquerors never roamed so +far, and it was perhaps a good thing for them that they didn't, Sulphur +water could not have agreed with Romans any more than it agrees with +Yankees who take whiskey with it. I was asked if I would like to +analyse the water, (as everything here is done by analysis under the +eye of the resident physician.) <i>My</i> analysis was done entirely +under the nose.</p> + <p>I raised a glass of the enchanted fluid to my lips: but my +nose said very positively, "Don't do it," and I didn't. I told my +conductor I had analyzed it, and he seemed not a little astonished at +the rapidity and simplicity of the method. He asked me if I would be +kind enough to write out a statement of the result after the manner of +Dr. HAYES, Prof. ROGERS, and others who have examined these waters and +testified that they would cure everything but hydrophobia. I told him I +would, and retiring to my room, wrote as follows:</p> + <p>"Sulphur water contains mineral properties of a sulphuric +character, owing to the fact that the water runs over beds of sulphur. +Nobody has ever seen these beds, but they are supposed to constitute +the cooler portions of those dominions corresponding to the Christian +location of Purgatory. Sinners, preliminary to being plunged into the +fiery furnace, are laid out on these beds and wrapped in damp sheets by +chambermaids regularly attached to the establishment. This is meant to +increase the torture of their subsequent sufferings, and there can be +no doubt that it succeeds. Herein we have also an explanation of the +reason of these waters coming to the surface of the earth—it is to give +patients and other <i>miserables</i> who drink them a foretaste of +future horrors. Passing from this branch of the subject to the analysis +proper, I find that fifty thousand grains of sulphur water divided, +into one hundred parts, contains,</p> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td>Bilge water,</td> + <td>95.75</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Sulphate of Bilgerius,</td> + <td>1.855</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Chloride of Bilgeria,</td> + <td>.285</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Carbonate de Bilgique,</td> + <td>.750</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Silica Bilgica,</td> + <td>1.955</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Hydro-sulp-Bil,</td> + <td>.28</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p>Twenty thousand grains of the water would contain less of the +above element than fifty thousand grains, which ought to be mentioned +as another one of the remarkable peculiarities of this most remarkable +fluid."</p> + <p>I sent the foregoing scientific deductions to the "Resident +Physician," and the bearer told me afterwards that the venerable +Esculapian only observed,—"Well, the writer of that must have been a +most egregious ass. There is no such thing as 'Sulphate of Bilgerius,' +or 'Silica Bilgica,' or anything like them", and then the old fellow +chuckled to himself over my supposed ignorance. I was willing he +should. I'm accustomed to being called an ass, and always like to be +recognized by my kindred. Chemically thine,</p> + <p>SULPHURO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COOL, IF NOT COMFORTABLE.</b></p> + <p>Apropos of complications arising out of the late Navy +Appropriation Law, a daily paper states as follows:</p> + <p>"The decision of the Attorney General now forces him to turn +the balance into the Treasury, and the sailors have to go unclothed."</p> + <p>How this decision will affect recruiting for our navy yet +remains to be seen, though it is probable that but few civilized men +can be found to join a service in which nudity is obligatory. In such +torrid weather as we are having, JACK ashore with nothing on, except, +perhaps, a Panama hat, will be a novel and refreshing object—but how +about the police?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/09.jpg"> + <p>LAW VERSUS LAWLESSNESS. THE VIRTUOUS ALLIES OF THE NEW YORK +"SUN" ENGAGED IN THEIR CONGENIAL OCCUPATION OF THROWING DIRT.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN ON BASE BALL.</b></p> + <p>A Match Game between Centenarians.—"Roomatix" vs. +"Bloostockin's."</p> + <p>The veterans of the war of 1812 of this place, organized a +base ball club.</p> + <p>It was called the "Roomatix base ball club."</p> + <p>A challinge was sent to the "Bloo stockin' base ball club," an +old man's club in an adjoinin' town. They met last week to play a match +game.</p> + <p>It required rather more macheenery than is usually allowed in +this grate nashunal game of chance.</p> + <p>For instance: The pitchers haden't very good eye-site, and +were just as liable to pitch a ball to "2nd base," as to "Home base."</p> + <p>To make a sure thing of it, a big long tin tube was made, on +the principle of the Noomatic tunnel under Broadway, New York. A large +thing, like a molasses funnel, was made, onto the end facin' the +pitcher.</p> + <p>The old man ceased the ball and pitched it into the brod +openin'. The raceway was slantin' downwards, towords the "<i>Homebase.</i>" +The batter stood at his post, with an ear trumpet at his ear, and a +wash-bord in his two hands holdin' onto the handles.</p> + <p>When he heard the ball come rollin' down the tin, he would +"muff" it with his wash-bord. Then the excitement would begin. The +"striker" would start off and go feelin' about the "field" for the +base, while the "outs" got down onto their bands and knees and went +huntin' for the ball.</p> + <p>Sometimes a "fielder," whose sense of feelin' wasen't very +acute, got hold of a cobble stun, then he would waddle, and grope his +way about, to find the base. But I tell you it was soothin' fun for the +old men.</p> + <p>After lookin' 20 minuts for a ball, then findin' the base +before the batter did, who just as like as not had strayed out into +another lot, it made the old fellers laff.</p> + <p>Sometimes two players would run into each other and go +tumblin' over together. Then the "Umpire" would go and get them onto +their pins agin, and give 'em a fresh start.</p> + <p>On each side of this interestin' match game, was two old men +who went on crutches.</p> + <p>It was agreed, as these men coulden't run the bases, that a +man be blindfolded and wheel these aged cripples about the bases in a +wheel-barrer.</p> + <p>The minnit these old chaps would "strike," they dropped their +crutches, and the umpire would dump them into the <i>vehicle,</i> and +away went mister striker.</p> + <p>A player was bein' wheeled this way once, and the "outs" was +down onto their marrow-bones tryin' to find the ball, when a splash! +was heard. The wheel-barrer man had run his cart into a goose pond, and +made a scatterin' among the geese.</p> + <p>"Fowl!" cride the Umpire.</p> + <p>The wheel-barrer man drew his lode ashore.</p> + <p>"Out!" hollers the Umpire.</p> + <p>And another victim went to the wash-bord.</p> + <p>Bets were offered 2 to one, that "The Roomatixs" would <i>pass</i> +more balls—on their hands and knees—than the "Bloostockin's." These +bets were freely taken—by obligin' stake-holders.</p> + <p>A friend of the "Bloostockin's" jumped upon a pile of stuns +and said:</p> + <p>"15 to 10 'the Roomatix' have got more <i>blinds</i> than the +'Bloostockin's.'"</p> + <p>No takers—I guess he would have won his bet, for just at this +juncture a "Roomatix" was at the bat.</p> + <p>The Umpire moved his head.</p> + <p>The old man thought it was the ball, and he "muffed" the +"Umpire's" head with his wash-bord.</p> + <p>The Umpire turned suddenly and wanted to know: "Who was firin' +spit balls at his back hair?"</p> + <p>One "innins," the ball was rolled through, it struck the +batter in the rite eye.</p> + <p>"Out on rite eye," cride the Umpire, and the batter was minus +an eye.</p> + <p>Next man to the bat.</p> + <p>His eyes were gummy. He coulden't see the ball.</p> + <p>He heard the ball rollin'.</p> + <p>He raised his wash-board.</p> + <p>His strength gave way.</p> + <p>Down came the bat, and the handle of the wash-bord entered his +eye.</p> + <p>"Out! on the left eye," screams the Umpire.</p> + <p>Old man No. 3 went to the wash-bord.</p> + <p>The ball came tearin' along.</p> + <p>It was a little too swift for the old man.—Rather too much +"English" into it. It "Kissed" and made a "scratch," strikin' the +"Cushion" between the old man's eyes.</p> + <p>This gave him the "cue." Tryin' to make a "draw" with the wash +bord, so as to "Uker" the ball, and "checkmate" the other club, he was +"distansed," and his spectacles went flyin', smashin' the glass and +shuttin' off his eyesite.</p> + <p>"Out! agin," bellers the Umpire.</p> + <p>This was the first <i>Blind</i> innin's for the "Roomatix."</p> + <p>The "Bloostockin's" bein' told how this innin's stood, by +addressin' them through their ear-trumpets, made a faint effort to +holler "Whooray!"</p> + <p>And, I am grieved to say it, one by-stander, who diden't +understand the grate nashunal game, wanted to know:</p> + <p>"What in thunder them old dry bones was cryin' about"</p> + <p>It was a crooel remark, altho' the old men, not bein' used to +hollerin' much, and not havin' any teeth, did make rather queer work +tryin' to holler.</p> + <p>Ime sorry to say, the game wasen't finished.</p> + <p>Refreshments were served at the end of this innin's, +consistin' of Slippery Elm tea and water gruel.</p> + <p>The old men eat harty.</p> + <p>This made them sleepy, and the consequence was, that the +minnit they was led out on the grass, "Sleep, barmy sleep," got the +best of 'em, and they laid down and slept like infants.</p> + <p>Both nines were then loaded onto stone botes and drawn off of +the field.</p> + <p>The friends of both sides <i>drew</i> their stake money, and +the Umpire, <i>drawin'</i> a long breath, declared the match a <i>draw</i> +game.</p> + <p>Basely Ewers, HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bad Eggs.</b></p> + <br> + <p>The following suggestive item appears in an evening paper:</p> + <p>"Illinois boasts of chickens hatched by the sun."</p> + <p>Well, New York can beat Illinois at that game. The chickens +hatched by the <i>Sun</i>, here, are far too numerous for counting, +and they are curses of the kind that will assuredly "come home to +roost."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Disagreeable, but True.</b></p> + <br> + <p>The restoration of the Bourbon dynasty is reckoned possible in +France.</p> + <p>In this country the Bourbon die-nasty has never been played +out. It is a malignant disease, sometimes known as <i>delirium tremens.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Musical.</b></p> + <br> + <p>Mlle. Silly, the daily papers inform us, has been engaged for +the Grand Opera House in <i>opera bouffe</i>, and will make her <i>début</i> +about the middle of September. The lady should not be confounded with +any of our New York "girls of the period" who bear, (or ought to bear,) +her name.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Caution to Readers.</b></p> + <br> + <p>Seven steady business men of this city, four solid capitalists +of Boston, eighteen Frenchmen residents of the United States, but doing +business nowhere, and a German butcher in the Bowery, have just been +added to sundry lunatic asylums, their intellects having become +hopelessly deranged from reading the conflicting telegrams about the +war in Europe.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Parallel.</b></p> + <br> + <p>In one of the reports of the Coroner's investigation of the +Twenty-third street murder, it was mentioned that "Several ladies and +some young children occupied chairs within the railing."</p> + <p>When REAL was hanged, it was noticeable that a great number of +women appeared in the morbid crowd that surrounded the Tombs, many of +them with small children in their arms.</p> + <p>Fifth Avenue and Five Points! Six of one and half-a-dozen of +the other! Blood <i>will</i> tell!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><b>THE HAZARD OF THE HORSE-CARS.</b></p> + </center> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td><img alt="" src="images/12.jpg"></td> + <td><img alt="" src="images/13.jpg"></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>THIS IS STUBBS, (<i>an incorrigible old bachelor</i>,) +WHO TAKES AN OPEN CAB, FOR GREENWOOD, AND IS COMPELLED TO DO THE WHOLE +DISTANCE SO.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>AND THIS IS THE WAY IN WHICH DOBBS, WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN +DELIGHTED WITH STUBB'S LUCK, IS MADE TO SUFFER MARTYRDOM ON <i>his</i> +LITTLE EXCURSION.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO V.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Let's go to bed," says Sleepy +Head,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Tarry awhile," says Slow;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"We'll sup before we go."</span><br> + <p>These lines the observant student of nursery literature will +perceive are satirical. Was there ever a poet who was not satirical? +How could he be a genius and not be able to point out the folly he sees +around him and comment upon it. In this case, the poor poet,—who lived +in a roseate cloud-land of his own, not desiring such mundane things as +sleep and food, was undoubtedly troubled and plagued to death by having +brothers and sisters who were of the earth, earthy; and who never +neglected on opportunity to laugh at his poems; to squirt water on him +when in the heavenly mood, his eyes in frenzy rolling; to put spiders +down his back; to stick pins in his elbows when writing; or upset his +inkstand.</p> + <p>Fine natures always have a deal to bear, in this world, from +the coarse, unfeeling natures that cannot appreciate their delicacy; +and this one had more than his share.</p> + <p>Many a time has he been goaded to frenzy by the cruel sneers +and jokes of those who should have been proud of his talents; and +rushed with wild-eyed eagerness down to the gentle frog pond, intending +there to bury his sorrows beneath its glassy surface. He saw in +imagination the grief-stricken faces of those cruel ones as they gazed +upon his cold corpus, with his damp locks clinging to his noble brow, +the green slimy weeds clasped in his pale hands, and the mud oozing +from his pockets and the legs of his pants; and he gloried in the +remorse and anguish they would feel when they knew that the Poet of the +family was gone forever.</p> + <p>All this he pictured as he stood on the bank, and, while +thinking, the desire to plunge in grew smaller by degrees and +beautifully less, till at last it vanished entirely, and he concluded +he had better go home, finish his book first and drown himself +afterwards, if necessary. It would make much more stir in the world, +and his name and works might live forever.</p> + <p>A happy thought strikes him as he slowly meanders homeward. He +would have revenge. He would punish these wretches by handing down—to +posterity their peculiarities. He would put it in verse and have it +printed in his book, and then they'd see that even the gentle worm +could turn and sting.</p> + <p>Ah! blessed thought. He flies to his garret bedroom, seizes +his goose-quill and paper, and sits down. What shall he write about? He +nibbles the feather end of his pen, plunges the point into the ink, +looks at it intently to see if he has hooked up an idea, sees none, and +falls to nibbling again. Ah! now he has it. There is TOM, the +dunderhead, who is always sleepy and he will put that down about him. +Squaring his shoulders, he writes:</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Let's go to bed," says Sleepy +Head.</span><br> + <p>Gleefully he rubs his hands. Won't that cut TOM. Ah! Ha! I +guess TOM won't say much more about staring at the moon. Now for DICK, +the old stupid. What shall he say about him? The end of the pen +diminishes slowly but surely, and then he writes:</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Tarry awhile," says Slow.</span><br> + <p>That will answer for DICK. Now let him give HARRY something +scorching, withering, and cutting—so that he'll never open his mouth +again unless it is to put something in it. Oh, that is it, he is always +hungry—rub him on that. He thinks intently. Determination shows in +every line of his face; the pen is almost gone only an inch remains, +and then the Poet masters his subject. He has got the last two lines.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"We'll sup before we go."</span><br> + <p>He throws down the stump of the pen and bounces up. His object +in life is accomplished; he is master of the situation, now, and holds +the trump card. See the quiet smile' and knowing look as he folds the +paper up, and thrusts it into his pocket. He is going down-stairs to +read it to the family. Now is the time for sweet revenge and for the +overthrow of those Philistines, his brothers. He descends slowly, like +an avenging angel, enters the room, and—gentle reader, imagine the rest.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Ridiculous Rub-a-dub.</b></p> + <p>A quiet gentleman who occupies lodgings immediately opposite +one of the city armories, writes to us asking whether the drum corps +that practice there two or three evenings in the week should not be +supplied with noiseless drums, as PUNCHINELLO has suggested regarding +the street organs. PUNCHINELLO thinks the suggestion a good one. He +would like to see the beating of drums after night-fall abolished +altogether In fact, it is the only kind of Dead Beat to which he would +lend his countenance.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Clear Case.</b></p> + <p>Some wiseacre has been trying to demonstrate, through the +public press, that POE did not write "The Raven."</p> + <p>The man must be a Raven lunatic.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE BALLARD OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY, AGED TEN, AND HIS BAD +BROTHER.</b></p> + <p>An obituary notice of a boy, 10 years old, in <i>The +Wilmington Commercial</i>, contains the following statement: "In his +dying moments he charged his brother WILLIAM not to dance, or sing any +more songs. Funeral services preached by the Rev WM. R. TUBB."</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">This pious Boy lay on his bed,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">A dying very fast;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Most every word this good Boy +said,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">They thought 'twould be his last.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Reverend Mr. TUBB was there,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">A praying very slow;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It was a solemn, sad affair;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Twas plain the Boy must go.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">His brother WILLIAM:, he come +o'er,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">To which this good Boy cried,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Oh, BILL, don't sing nor dance +no more!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And following which he died.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now WILLIAM, he had learnt a song</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">That pleased him very much:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He didn't know that it was wrong</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">To carol any such.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He said he couldn't leave it go,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Not if he was to die;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And that same song, as all should +know,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Was called by him, "Shoo Fly."</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was informed by Mr. TUBBS</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">That he would fall down dead,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or else get killed by stones or +clubs,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">With that thing in his head.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, such is life! Poor WILLIAM +went</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And sung his Shoo Fly o'er:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Not knowing that he would be sent</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where Shoo Flies are no more,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was a singing, one wet day,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And likewise dancing too,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">When lightning took his sole away—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Let this warn me and you!</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HINTS FOR THE CENSUS.</b></p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I have always been in favor of the Census, +the system is questionable, perhaps, though that depends on how you +like it. I have found that it answers very well where the parties are +highly intelligent-like myself, for example.</p> + <p>I drew up the following proclamation to read to the U.S. +official in my district:</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your name? <i>A</i> SARSFIELD YOUNG. What +is yours?</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your age? <i>A.</i> A., being asked how old +he was, replied: If I live as long again, and half as long again, and +two years and a half,—how old shall I be?</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Where is your residence? <i>A.</i> I live at home +with the family, have often thought that, amid pleasures and palaces, +there is no place like home, unless it be a boarding house with hot and +cold water.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your occupation? <i>A.</i> Taxpayer. This +takes my whole time</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Where were you born? <i>A.</i> Having made no +minute of it at the time, it has passed out of my memory.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What kind of a house do you live in? <i>A.</i> A +mortgaged house, painted flesh color, a front exposure, brick windows +and a brass lightning rod. A good deal of back yard, (and back rent,) +to it.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> At what age did your grandfather die? <i>A.</i> If +he died last night, (I saw him yesterday at a horse race,) he was +turning ninety-eight, perhaps he got tipped over in the turn.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you hold any official position: if so, what? <i>A.</i> +Inspector of fish,—every Friday.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you insured? A. I am agent for half a dozen +companies. So are all my neighbors. My life is insured against fire for +several thousands.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you troubled with chilblains? <i>A.</i> +Quitely. I soak my feet in oil of vitriol.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Were you in the war? <i>A.</i> I have the scar on +my arm which I got in the service. I was vaccinated severely, while +clerk to a substitute broker at Troy, N. Y.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you a graduate of any College. <i>A.</i> Yes, +of one. I forget which one. I only remember that I was one of the most +remarkable men they ever turned out.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have you suffered from the potato rot? <i>A,</i> +Not myself. My uncle had it bad. He found that whiskey and warm water +was a very good thing. I've made an independent discovery of the same +fact, also.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you in favor of Free Trade or Protection? <i>A</i>. +I can only say that, if elected, gentlemen, I shall endeavor to do my +whole duty. I am.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What do you think of deep plowing? <i>A.</i> In a +scanty population, I should say it has a bad effect. I can recommend +it, however, in a sandy soil, where school privileges are first-class.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Does anything else occur to you which it is +important for the Government to know? <i>A.</i> Yes: a hay fever +occurs to me regularly once a year. I have no policy to enforce against +the will of the people: Still I would call the attention of the +medicine-loving public to my friend Dr. EZRA CUTLER'S "Noon-day +Bitters." For ringing in the ears, loss of memory, bankruptcy, +teething, and general debility, they are without a rival. No family +should live more than five minutes walk from a bottle. They gild the +morning of youth, cherish manhood, and comfort old age, with the name +blown on the bottle in plain letters. Beware of impositions-at all +respectable druggists.</p> + <p>* * I believe in taking things easy, and I shall cheerfully +assist the Administration, when it calls at my door on Census business.</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Facilis Descensus</b></p> + <p>The daily papers frequently have articles respecting the "Hell +Gate Obstructions." We do not, however, remember having seen that +subject handled in the <i>Sun.</i> Perhaps it is that DANA and DYER, +conscious of their deserts, do not anticipate any obstructions in that +quarter.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/14.jpg"> + <p><b>ARISTOCRACY IN THE KITCHEN.</b></p> + <p><i>Lady</i>, (responsively.) "THAT FASHIONABLY DRESSED WOMAN +WHO HAS JUST PASSED, DEAR? OH, THAT'S MY COOK, TAKING HER SUNDAY WITH +THE GROCER'S YOUNG MAN. SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES ME ON SUCH OCCASIONS."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>WHAT SHALL WE CALL IT?</b></p> + <p>Having made up my mind to become a novelist, I naturally +studied the productions of my predecessors, and found out, I assure +you, in a very brief period of time, the little tricks of the trade. As +I do not wish to have the business flooded with neophytes, I refrain +from informing your readers how every man can become his own novel +writer. One very curious thing, however, which I discovered, I will +here relate.</p> + <p>I was very much puzzled by the curious titles which novelists +selected for their books, and very much annoyed by my inability to +discover where they picked them up. I persevered, however, and +discovered that they found them in the daily papers. In fact, I +shrewdly suspect that I have discovered, in these veracious sheets, the +very incidents which suggested the names of a number of volumes. Let me +place before you the extracts, which I have culled from the papers.</p> + <p><i>"Put Yourself in his Place."</i>--READE.</p> + <p>"Yesterday morning an unknown man was found hanging from the +limbs of a tree in JONES' Wood. He was quite dead when discovered."</p> + <p><i>"Red as a Rose is She."</i></p> + <p>"Bridget Flynn was arrested for vagrancy. When brought before +the Court she was quite drunk. She had evidently been a hard drinker +for years, as her face was of a brilliant carmine color."</p> + <p><i>"Man and Wife."</i> COLLINS.</p> + <p>"Married.—At Salt Lake City, on the 1st day of August, 1870, +BRIGHAM YOUNG, Esq., to Miss LETITIA BLACK, Mrs. SUSAN BROWN and Miss +JENNIE SMITH."</p> + <p><i>"What will he do with it?"</i> BULWER.</p> + <p>"It is stated by the police authorities, that the description +of Mr. NATHAN'S watch has been spread so widely, that the robber will +be unable to dispose of it to any jeweler or pawnbroker."</p> + <p><i>"Our Mutual Friend"</i>—DICKENS.</p> + <p>"England is supplying both France and Prussia with horses."</p> + <p><i>"John."</i>—Mrs. OLIPHANT.</p> + <p>"Mr. SAMPSON has sent to California for another cargo of +Chinese shoemakers."</p> + <p><i>"Friends in Council."</i>—HELPS.</p> + <p>"Mr. Drew and Mr. Fisk were closeted together for more than an +hour yesterday."</p> + <p><i>"A Tale of Two Cities."</i>—DICKENS.</p> + <p>"The census will show that our city has a population of at +least 500,000."—<i>Chicago paper.</i></p> + <p>"St Louis has undoubtedly a population of 400,000."—<i>St. +Louis paper.</i></p> + <p>"Chicago, 300,000; St. Louis, 190,000."—<i>Census returns.</i></p> + <p><i>"Stern Necessity."</i>--F.W. ROBINSON.</p> + <p>"It is stated that a well-known yacht failed to win the prize +in the late race, because her rudder slipped out of her fastenings and +was lost."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ITEMS FROM OUR RURAL REPORTERS.</b></p> + <p>A German farmer, living not one hundred miles from Cincinnati, +is raising trichinated pork for the supply of the French army.</p> + <p>The artist who drew the Newfoundland dog (out of the water,) +at Newport, R.I., has received a medal from the Royal Humane Society of +England, on condition that he will not Meddle with dogs any more.</p> + <p>Near Ashland, in Virginia, a spring has been discovered that +runs chicken soup. So great was the commotion in culinary arrangements, +when the discovery was made public, that "the dish ran after the spoon."</p> + <p>The curious crustacean known as the "fiddler crab" is +unusually numerous in the marshes of Long Island, this summer. It +differs from impecunious persons inasmuch as it is a burrowing, not a +borrowing, creature. It differs from ordinary fiddlers by two letters, +in that it bores the earth, but not the ear.</p> + <p>It is an established fact that persona who sleep on mattresses +stuffed with pigeon's feathers never die. Near Salem, Mass., there is +now a woman nearly two hundred years old, who has been bed-ridden and +confined to a pigeon-feather bed for one hundred and fifty years. One +of her descendants a shrewd man-has discovered that the pigeon feathers +are growing musty, and proposes to replace them with the plumage of +geese.</p> + <p>There is a wild man at large in the woods of Sullivan County, +N.Y. He was once a fast man of New York City, and is so fast, still, +that nobody can catch him.</p> + <p>A gentleman residing in the vicinity of Glen Cove had a +Newfoundland dog that was very expert at catching lobsters. The +faithful animal has been missing for some time, but a clue to its fate +was yesterday obtained by its owner, who found the brass collar of the +dog inside a large lobster with which he was about to construct a salad.</p> + <p>An English nobleman has taken up his residence in the centre +of the Dismal Swamp, Va. Blighted affections are supposed to be the +cause of his trouble, as he always wears at the top buttonhole of his +coat a <i>chignon</i> made of red hair.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"That's what's the Matter."</b></p> + <p>Among the lectures announced for the coming season is Mrs. +CECILIA BURLEIGH'S "Woman's right to be a Woman." We quite agree with +Mrs. BURLEIGH'S remark. Woman <i>is</i> right to be a woman, but the +matter just now is that woman wants to be a man.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Couplet from a Shaker Song.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O! Mr. President, you'll have to +keep on pegging</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">At this English Mission, which +seems to go a-begging.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.25em;">Hi! yi! yi! etc.</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Extraordinary Bargains.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Respectfully call the attention of their Customers and +Strangers to their attractive Stock</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>OF</small></p> + <p>SUMMER AND FALL</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>DRESS SILKS,</big></big></p> + <p><small>At popular prices.</small></p> + <p>Striped, Checked and Chine</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big><big>SILKS,</big></big></big></p> + <p><small>In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard;<br> +value $1.50 to $3</small></p> + <p><big>PLAIN FOULARD,</big></p> + <p><small>$1.50, value $2 per yard. 24 inch Black and White +Striped $1.75; value $2.50.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>STRIPED SATINS,</big></p> + <p>$1.25; value $2.</p> + <p>Plain and Striped Japanese,</p> + <p>75c. and $1 per yard.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Rich White and Colored Dress Satins,</p> + <p>Extra Quality.</p> + <p>A CHOICE LINE OF</p> + <p>PLAIN GRAINS,</p> + <p><small>for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3;<br> +value $3 to $3.50 per yard.</small></p> + <p>A FEW EXTRA RICH</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN +SILKS,</big></p> + <p><small>Black and Colored, $2.</small></p> + <p><small>JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>SILKS.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GREAT BARGAINS.</p> + <p><small>A COMPLETE STOCK</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>BLACK SILKS,</big></big></p> + <p><small>At popular prices.</small></p> + <p><small>PLAIN AND STRIPED</small></p> + <p>GAZE DE CHAMBREY,</p> + <p>Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="2"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Are offering several lots of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>HOUSEKEEPING GOODS</big></p> + <p><small>MUCH BELOW<br> +COST OF IMPORTATION.</small></p> + <p><small>5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK NAPKINS, from $1 +to $3.50 per doz.</small></p> + <p><small>DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from $1.50 to $2.75 +each.</small></p> + <p><small>Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all linen, from 40 to +75c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard</small></p> + <p><small>LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, at $2.5O and +upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 per doz. and upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 per yard and upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard pieces, $3.25 +per piece.</small></p> + <p><small>Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery Diapers, various +widths, at $1 per piece below Current prices.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">MARSEILLES</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">QUILTS AND BLANKETS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>AT LOW PRICES.</small></p> + <p><small>Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/16.jpg"> + <p><b>CROCODILE TEARS.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca— +headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. +Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the +White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern New +York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, +September 3, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 23 *** + +***** This file should be named 10017-h.htm or 10017-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10017/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10017] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 23 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding will be sent postpaid on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | Carbolic Salve | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agent for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. I. No. 23. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + * * * * * + +See 15th page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $47,000 REWARD. | + | | + | PROCLAMATION. | + | | + | The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan. | + | | + | The widow having determined to increase the rewards | + | heretofore offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), | + | and no result having yet been obtained, and suggestions | + | having been made that the rewards were not sufficiently | + | distributive or specific, the offers in the previous | + | proclamation are hereby superseded by the following: | + | | + | A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and | + | conviction of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was | + | killed in hie house, No. 12 West Twenty-third Street, New | + | York, on the morning of Friday, July 29. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt | + | Studs which were taken from the clothing of the deceased on | + | the night of the murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, | + | together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and 1-16 carats, and the other, a | + | flat stone, showing nearly a surface of one carat, weighed | + | 3/4 and 1-32. All three were mounted in skeleton settings, | + | with spiral screws, but the color of the gold setting of the | + | flat diamond was not so dark as the other two. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor | + | Hunting-case Stem-winding Watch, No. 5657, 19 lines, or | + | about two inches in diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for | + | the Chain and Seals thereto attached. The Chain is very | + | massive, with square links, and carries a Pendant Chain with | + | two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," cut | + | thereon. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification and recovery of an old-fashioned | + | open-faced Gold Watch, with gold dial, showing rays | + | diverging from the center, and with raised figures; believed | + | to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at the same | + | time as the above articles. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold | + | Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears | + | an inscription of presentation not precisely known, but | + | believed to be either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital," or, "To Benjamin Nathan, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital." | + | | + | A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete | + | detailed information descriptive of this medal, which may be | + | useful in securing its recovery. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification of the instrument used in committing the | + | murder, which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece | + | of wrought iron about sixteen inches long, turned up for | + | about an inch at each end, and sharp; such as is used by | + | ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, ladder-makers, | + | pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their | + | flasks. | + | | + | A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the | + | morning of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick | + | up a piece of paper lying there, and then walk away with it, | + | if he will come forward and produce it. | + | | + | Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the | + | Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New | + | York; or to James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer. | + | | + | A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR. | + | | + | The foregoing rewards are offered by the request of, and are | + | guaranteed by me. | + | | + | Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN, | + | | + | Widow of B. NATHAN. | + | | + | The following reward has also been offered by the New York | + | Stock Exchange: | + | | + | $10,000.--The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten | + | Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the | + | murderer or murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of | + | said Exchange, who was killed on the night of July 28, 1870, | + | at his house in Twenty-third street. New York City. | + | | + | J. L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman | + | | + | Gov. Com. | + | | + | D. C. HAYS, Treasurer. | + | B. O. WHITE, Secretary. | + | MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for July. | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAIL-ROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | + | Saleable Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers,(Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | + | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | + | cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | + | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. Sprague | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD: + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XVI. + +AVUNCULAR DEVOTIO + +Having literally _fallen_ asleep from his chair to the rug, J. BUMSTEAD, +Esquire, was found to have reached such an extraordinary depth in +slumber, that Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, his landlord and landlady, who were +promptly called in by Mr. DIBBLE, had at first some fear that they +should never be able to drag him out again. In pursuance, however, of a +mode of treatment commended to their judgment, by frequent previous +practice with the same patient, the good couple poured a pitcher of +water over his fallen head; hauled him smartly up and down the room, +first by a hand and then by a foot; singed his whiskers with a hot +poker, held him head-downward for a time, and tried various other +approved allopathic remedies. Seeing that he still slept profoundly, +though appearing, by occasional movements of his arms, to entertain +certain passing dreams of single combats, the quick womanly wit of Mrs. +SMYTHE finally hit upon the homoeopathic expedient of softly shaking his +familiar antique flask at his right ear. Scarcely had the soft, liquid +sound therefrom resulting been addressed for a minute to the auricular +orifice, when a singularly pleasing smile wreathed the countenance of +the Ritualistic organist, his eyelids flew up like the spring-covers of +two valuable hunting-case watches, and he suddenly arose to a sitting +position upon the rug and began feeling around for the bed-clothes. + +"There!" cried Mrs. SMYTHE, greatly affected by his pathetic expression +of countenance, "you're all right now, sir. How worn-out you must have +been, to sleep so!" + +"Do you always go to sleep with such alarming suddenness?" asked Mr. +DIBBLE. + +"When I have to go anywhere, I make it a rule to go at once:--similarly, +when going to sleep," was the answer. "Excuse me, however, for keeping +you waiting, Mr. DIBBLE. We've had quite a rain, sir." + +His hair, collar, and shoulders being very wet from the water which had +been poured upon him during his slumber, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in his present +newly-awake frame of mind, believed that a hard shower had taken place, +and thereupon turned moody. + +"We've had quite a rain, sir, since I saw you last," he repeated, +gloomily, "and I am freshly reminded of my irreparable loss." + +"Such an open, spring-like character!" apostrophized the lawyer, staring +reflectively into the grate. + +"Always open when it rained, and closing with a spring," said Mr. +BUMSTEAD, in soft abstraction lost. + +"_Who_ closed with a spring?" queried the elder man, irascibly. + +"The umbrella," sobbed JOHN BUMSTEAD. + +"I was speaking of your nephew, sir!" was Mr. DIBBLE'S impatient +explanation. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD stared at him sorrowfully for a moment, and then requested +Mrs. SMYTHE to step to a cupboard in the next room and immediately pour +him out a bottle of soda-water which she should find there. + +"Won't you try some?" he asked the lawyer, rising limply to his feet +when the beverage was brought, and drinking it with considerable noise. + +"No, thank you," returned Mr. DIBBLE. + +"As you please, then," said the organist, resignedly. "Only, if you have +a headache don't blame me. (Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, you may place a few +cloves where I can get them, and retire.) What you have told me, Mr. +DIBBLE, concerning the breaking of the engagement between your ward and +my nephew, relieves my mind of a load. As a right-thinking man, I can no +longer suspect you of having killed EDWIN DROOD." + +"Suspect ME?" screamed the aged lawyer, almost leaping into the air. + +"Calm yourself," observed Mr. BUMSTEAD, quietly, the while he ate a +sedative clove. "I say that I can _not_ longer suspect you. I can not +think that a person of your age would wantonly destroy a human life +merely to obtain an umbrella." + +Absolutely purple in the face, Mr. DIBBLE snatched his hat from a chair +just as the Ritualistic organist was about to sit upon it, and was on +the point of hurrying wrathfully from the room, when the entrance of +Gospeler SIMPSON arrested him. + +Noting his agitation, Mr. BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear him from +suspicion in the new-comer's mind also. + +"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad affair we +must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be as innocent +as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor is +concerned, I wholly acquit him of all guilty knowledge of my nephew and +umbrella." + +Too apoplectic with suffocating emotions to speak, Mr. DIBBLE foamed +slightly at the month and tore out a lock or two of his hair. + +"And I believe that my unhappy pupil, Mr. PENDRAGON, is as guiltless," +responded the puzzled Gospeler. "I do not deny that he had a quarrel +with Mr. DROOD, in the earlier part of their acquaintance; but, as you, +Mr. BUMSTEAD, yourself, admit, their meeting at the Christmas-Eve dinner +was amicable; as I firmly believe their last mysterious parting to have +been." + +The organist raised his fine head from the shadow of his right hand, in +which it had rested for a moment, and said, gravely: "I cannot deny, +gentlemen, that I have had my terrible distrusts of you all. Even now, +while, in my deepest heart, I release Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. PENDRAGON from +all suspicion, I cannot entirely rid my mind of the impression that you, +Mr. SIMPSON, in an hour when, from undue indulgence in stimulants, you +were not wholly yourself, may have been tempted, by the superior +fineness of the alpaca, to slay a young man inexpressibly dear to us +all." + +"Great heavens, Mr. BUMSTEAD!" panted the Gospeler, livid with horror, +"I never--" + +--"Not a word, sir!" interrupted the Ritualistic organist,--"not a word, +Reverend sir, or it may be used against you at your trial." + +Pausing not to see whether the equally overwhelmed old lawyer followed +him, the horribly astounded Gospeler burst precipitately from the house +in wild dismay, and was presently hurrying past the pauper +burial-ground. Whether he had been drawn to that place by some one of +the many mystic influences moulding the fates of men, or because it +happened to be on his usual way home, let students of psychology and +topography decide. Thereby he was hurrying, at any rate, when a shining +object lying upon the ground beside the broken fence, caused him to stop +suddenly and pick up the glittering thing. It was an oroide watch, +marked E.D.; and, a few steps further on, a coppery-looking seal-ring +also attracted the finder's grasp. With these baubles in his hand the +genial clergyman was walking more slowly onward, when it abruptly +occurred to him, that his possession of such property might possibly +subject him to awkward consequences if he did not immediately have +somebody arrested in advance. Perspiring freely at the thought, he +hurried to his house, and, there securing the company of MONTGOMERY +PENDRAGON, conveyed his beloved pupil at once before Judge SWEENEY, and +made affidavit of finding the jewelry. The jeweler, who had wound EDWIN +DROOD'S watch for him on the day of the dinner, promptly identified the +timepiece by the innumerable scratches around the keyhole; Mr. BUMSTEAD, +though at first ecstatic with the idea that the seal-ring was a ferule +from an umbrella, at length allowed himself to be persuaded into a +gloomy recognition of it as a part of his nephew, and MONTGOMERY was +detained in custody for further revelations. + +News of the event circulating, the public mind of Bumsteadville lost no +time in deploring the incorrigible depravity of Southern character, and +recollecting several horrors of human Slavery. It was now clearly +remembered that there had once been rumors of terrible cruelties by a +PENDRAGON family to an aged colored man of great piety; who, because he +incessantly sang hymns in the cotton-field, was sent to a field farther +from the PENDRAGON mansion, and ultimately died. Citizens reminded each +other, that when, during the rebellion, a certain PENDRAGON of the +celebrated Southern Confederacy met a former religious chattel of his +confronting him with a bayonet in the loyal ranks, and immediately +afterwards felt a cold, tickling sensation under one of his ribs, he +drew a pistol upon the member of the injured race, who subsequently died +in Ohio of fever and ague. What wonder was it, then, that this young +PENDRAGON with an Indian club and a swelled head should secretly +slaughter the nephew and appropriate the umbrella of one of the most +loyal and devoted Ritualists that ever sent a substitute to battle? In +the mighty metropolis, too, the Great Dailies--those ponderous engines +of varied and inaccurate intelligence--published detailed and mistaken +reports of the whole affair, and had subtle editorial theories as to the +nature of the crime. The _Sun,_ after giving a cut of an old-fashioned +parlor-grate as a diagram of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S house, and a portrait of Mr. +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG as a correct photograph of the alleged murderer by +ROCKWOOD, said:--"The retention of Mr. FISH as Secretary of State by the +present venal Administration, and the official countenance otherwise +corruptly given to friends of Spanish tyranny who do not take the _Sun,_ +are plainly among the current encouragements to such crime as that in +the full reporting of which to-day the _Sun's_ advertisements are +crowded down to a single page, as usual. Judge CONNOLLY, after walking +all the way from Yorkville, agrees with the _Sun_ in believing, that +something more than an umbrella tempted this young MONTMORENCY PADREGON +to waylay EDWIN WOOD. To-morrow we shall give the public still further +exclusive revelations, such as the immense circulation of the New York +_Sun_ enables us especially to obtain. On this, as upon every occasion +of the publication of the _Sun,_ we shall leave out columns upon columns +of profitable advertising, in order that no reader of the _Sun_ shall be +stinted in his criminal news. The _Sun_ (price two cents) has never yet +been bought by advertisers, and never will be." The _Tribune_ said: +"What time the reader can spare from perusing our special dispatches +concerning the progress of Smalleyism in Europe, shall, undoubtedly, be +given to our female-reporter's account of the alleged tragedy at +Bumperville. There are reasons of manifest propriety to restrain us, as +superior journalists, from the sensational theorizing indulged by +editors choosing to expend more care and money upon local news than upon +European rumors; but we may not injudiciously hazard the assumption, +that, were the police under any other than Democratic domination, such a +murder as that alleged to have been committed by MANTON PENJOHNSON on +BALDWIN GOOD had not been possible. PENJOHNSON, it shall be noticed, is +a Southerner, while young GOOD was strongly Northern in sentiment; and +it requires no straining of a point to trace in these known facts a +sectional antagonism to which even a long war has not yielded full +sanguinary satiation." The _World_ said: "_Acerrima proximorum odia;_ +and, under the present infamous Radical abuse of empire, the hatred +between brothers, first fostered by the eleutheromaniacs of +Abolitionism, is bearing its bitter fruit of private assassination at +last. Somewhere amongst our _loci communes_ of to-day may be found a +report of the supposed death, at Hampsteadville (_not_ Bumperville, as a +radical contemporary has it,) of a young Northerner named GOODWIN BLOOD, +at the hands of a Southern gentleman belonging to the stately old +Southern family of PENTORRENS. The PENTORRENS' are related, by old +cavalier stock, to the Dukes of Mandeville, whose present ducal +descendant combines the elegance of an Esterhazy with the intellect of +an Argyle. That a scion of such blood as this has reduced a fellow-being +to a condition of inanimate protoplasm, is to be regretted for his sake; +but more for that of a country in which the philosophy of COMTE finds in +a corrupt radical pantarchy all-sufficient first-cause of whatsoever is +rotten in the State of Denmark." The Times said: "We give no details of +the Burnstableville tragedy to-day, not being willing to pander to a +vitiated public taste; but shall do so to-morrow." + +After reading these articles in the Great Dailies with considerable +distraction, and inferring therefrom, that at least three different +young Southerners had killed three different young Northerners in three +different places on Christmas-Eve, Judge SWEENEY had a rush of blood to +the brain, and discharged MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON as a person of +undistinguishable identity. But, when set at large, the helpless youth +could not turn a corner without meeting some bald-headed reporter who +raised the cry of "Stop thief!" if he sought to fly, and, if he paused, +interviewed him in a magisterial manner, and almost tearfully implored +him to Confess his crime in time for the Next Edition. + +Father DEAN, Ritual Rector of St. Cow's, meeting Gospeler SIMPSON upon +one of their daily strolls through the snow, said to him: + +"This young man, your pupil, has sinned, it appears, and a Ritualistic +church, Mr. Gospeler, is no sanctuary for sinners." + +"I cannot believe that the sin is his, Holy Father," answered the +Reverend OCTAVIUS, respectfully: "but, even if it is, and he is +remorseful for it, should not our Church cover him with her wings?" + +"There are no wings to St. Cow's yet," returned the Father, +coldly,--"only the main building; and that is too small to harbor any +sinner who has not sufficient means to build a wing or two for himself." + +"Then," said the Gospeler, bowing his head and speaking slowly, "I +suppose he must go to the Other Church." + +"What Other church?" + +The Gospeler raised his hat and spoke reverently:-- + +That which is all of God's world outside this little church of ours. +That in which the Altar is any humble spot pressed by the knees of the +Unfortunate. That in which the priest is whoso doeth a good, unselfish +deed, even if in the shadow of the scaffold. That in which the anthem of +visible charity for an erring brother sinks into the listening soul an +echo of an unseen Father's pity and forgiveness, and the choral service +is the music of kind words to all who ever found but unkind words +before." + +"You must mean the Church of the Pooritans," said the Ritual Rector. + +So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to seek harbor +where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited to +Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary. + +"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the watch and +seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, was the temptation of +the murderer. I now swear that I will no more discuss either my nephew +or my umbrella with any living soul, until I have found once more the +familiar boyish form and alpaca canopy, or brought vengeance upon him +through whom I am nephewless and without protection in the rain." + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +CHINCAPIN AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: When Oratory, rising to its loftiest flights upon the +wings of Buncombe, denounces with withering scorn the effete and +tyrannical monarchies of Europe, and proclaims the glorious fact that +this is a Free Country, Fellow Citizens! it hardly does us justice. We +are not only free, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, we are Free and Easy, sir. Breathes +there a man so tortuously afflicted with Strabismus that he doesn't see +it? If such there be let him go and visit the Oneida Community. + +Last week I took a run down to Oneida myself. I found the Communists a +very Social crowd, I can assure you. PROUDHON himself might be proud of +such disciples, and DESIDERANT find nothing there to be Desiderated. The +Communists divide everything equally, particularly the Affections, so +there are no Better Halves among them. In Utah, you are aware, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, the women are Sealed to the men, but among these people +they are not even Wafered. Your Own IDA may be anybody else's in the +Oneida Community. The only individuals that object to Dividing are the +children, who are generally opposed to Division, both long and Short, as +well as to Fractions. + +Infants don't go for much among the Free Lovers, and are Put Out--to +Nurse. After the age of Fifteen months they are surrendered by their +Ma's to the Charge of the Two Hundred (the number of men and women in +the Community,) who become their common parents, and the infants become +common property. The domestic arrangements are entrusted to two females, +who are called the "Mothers of the Community." But whether these dual +Mothers Do All the Nursing I am unable to say. + +I had a little conversation with the Eminent and Aged Free Lover who +acted as my guide, and I give it in the manner of the "interviewing +reporter." + +CHINC. Venerable Seer, tip us your views on the subject of Love. + +AGED FREE-LOVER Do you then take an Interest in our Principles? + +CHINC. (Dubiously.) Then you _have_-- + +A. F. L. Yes, of our own. They are not those of a prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld. +Our principles are Embraced in the Communism of Love and Passional +Attraction. + +CHINC. (Confidently.) Ah, yes; of course--you are Free Lovers. + +A. F. L. Sir-r-r? + +CHINC. (Much abashed.) Excuse me. I am young, inexperienced, and but +slightly acquainted with the Dictionary. + +A. P. L. So I see. Know, young man, that we scorn and repudiate the name +of Free Lovers as applied to us by the newspapers. It is true we believe +that Love should be untrammelled by the Hateful Bonds of Marriage. With +us a Lady may have an affinity for any number of gentlemen, and +vice-versa. But we are not Free Lovers. + +CHINC. Oh, no! Not by no means. Not any. + +A. F. L. (Growing eloquent.) We have only advanced from the simple to +the more complex form of matrimony. Why should not the faithfulness +which constitutes the wretchedly exclusive dual Marriage of the +Wor-r-r-ld exist as well between Two Hundred as between two? Why? + +CHINC. Why, O why? But there may be reasons-- + +A.F.L. Young Man, reared in the hateful prejudices of an Unprogressive +Wor-r-ld, there air none. + +CHINC. This system, as you, Ancient Person, observe, is much complexed. +Do I, then, understand you that a woman may have fifty affinities and +yet be faithful to each? + +A.F.L. Yes, my son, any number. This plurality of affinities you of +course cannot appreciate. A prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld cannot understand the +Bond of Union which connects all the Brothers and Sisters in a Spiritual +Marriage. The results of the complex system are-- + +CHINC. (Interrupting.) I--I--fear the complexity of your system is one +too many for me. I feel that my Brow cannot stand the pressure. I must +away. Farewell, old man--Adieu! + +Such, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is briefly the Free and Easy Doctrine of Natural +Affinity and Passional Attraction. I have no doubt there are some +illiberal Persons who would give it a much harsher name. For myself, I +believe in the Biggest kind of Liberty, but not for the Biggest kind of +Libertines. Reverentially yours, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LACONIC, BUT EXPRESSIVE. + +SCENE: NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE FIVE POINTS + +_First Ruffian._ "WHERE TO NOW, SNOOTY?" + +_Second Ditto._ "PICNIC." + +_First Ditto._ "WOTTERYER GOT IN YER LUNCH WALLET?" + +_Second Ditto._ "SLUNG SHOT."] + + * * * * * + +REJUVENATED FRANCE. + +PUNCHINELLO has perused a draft of the next Constitution of the French +people, or of France, if that is better. Unwilling to give it to his +readers in full, at present, he considers himself authorized, however, +to cite a few paragraphs of it, which will be found both original and +interesting. + +FIFTY-SEVENTH CONSTITUTION OF FRANCE. (One a year, more or less.) + +_Paragraph_ 1. The French Nation is sovereign; the French people are +sovereign; sovereigns are sovereign; every Frenchman is sovereign. + +_Paragraph_ 2. All men are equal, but Frenchmen are highly superior to +all other men. + +_Paragraph_ 3. In order to secure peace, it is decreed and plebiscited +that all governments shall have a chance. For the next ten years, or +less, the Orleans Dynasty shall rule; after that a BONAPARTE for a few +years; then a Republic, "democratic and social," as long as it can keep +on its legs. After that a second Republic, for a twelvemonth at least. +Then an old BOURBON, if one can be found. After this, a military +dictatorship; the army to decide its duration. At each change the people +will decide by plebiscit whether they want the respective governments to +be: _personal_, _legal_, or neither. + +_Paragraph_ 4.--But here we must stop. + + * * * * * + +Titans. + +The _Liberte_ says: "A lot of crazy fellows tried to proclaim the +republic at Toulouse." Now there are manifestly two errors in this +statement. The fellows alluded to were not Toulouse, but too tight +fellows. Moreover, if they really had been crazies, as the _Liberte_ +supposes, they would have been instantly arrested and sent to Paris, +under guard, by the way of the Madder line, to await the action of the +Prefect of the Sane. + + * * * * * + +Astronomical. + +A NEW Milky Way has been discovered. It is the way the milk producers +(farmers, not cows,) of Westchester County have of insisting upon +raising their charges for milk from four cents to five cents a quart, +wholesale. We fail to discern the milk of human kindness, here; but it +is clear that the milk in the cocoa-nuts of these farmers is mighty +sour. + + * * * * * + +WHAT SIGERSON SAYS. + +SIGERSON (Dr.) of the Royal Irish Academy, has gone and said some mighty +unpleasant things about the Atmosphere. How he found them out, we can't +say, (and we hope _he_ can't:) but nevertheless, he declares, with the +most dreadful calmness, that if you go to visit the Iron Works, you will +inevitably breathe a great many hollow Balls of Iron, say about one two +thousandth of an inch in diameter! What these rather diminutive +ferruginous globules will do for you, we do not know; but you can see +for yourself, that with your lungs full of little iron balls you must +certainly be in a "parlous" state. We should say that we had quite as +lief have the air full of those iron spheres, termed Cannon Balls, as it +is now in France. It is true, one couldn't get many of _these_ inside +one with impunity; and equally true, that foundry men do manage to live, +with all that iron in their lungs; but we can't say we desire to "build +up an Iron Constitution," as the P-r-n S-r-p folks say, by the inhaling +process. + +But SIGERSON is not content to render the neighborhood of Iron Works +questionable to the delicate and apprehensive; in "shirt-factory air" he +declares, upon honor, "there are little filaments of linen and cotton, +with minute eggs" (goodness gracious!) "Threshing machines," he more +than insinuates, "fill the air with fibres, starch-grains and spores," +(spores! think of that;) and (what is truly ha(i)rrowing,) in "stables +and barber's shops" you cannot but breathe "scales and hairs." Good +Heavens! + +What he says of printers and smokers is simply horrible; in short, this +dreadful SIGERSON has gone and made life a wretched and lingering (to +quote the sensitive Mrs. GAMP,) "progiss through this mortial wale." + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacation. + +When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no particular +outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to comprehends only +males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. But when we go to +the Adirondacks,--certainly a most extraordinary place of summer +resort,--we require an outfit which is as remarkable as the region +itself. Thoroughly understanding this necessity, Mr. PUNCHINELLO made +himself entirely ready for a life in the woods before he set out for the +Adirondack Mountains. Witness the completeness of his preparations. + +The railroad to the heart of this delightful resort is not yet finished, +and when Mr. P. had completed his long journey, in which the excellence +and abominabitity,--so to speak,--of every American form of conveyance +was exhibited, he was glad enough to see before him those charming wilds +which are gradually being tamed down by the well-to-do citizens of New +York and Boston. He found that it was necessary, in order to enter the +district, to pass through a gate in a high pale-fence, and, to his +surprise, he was informed that he must buy a ticket before being allowed +to proceed. On inquiry, he discovered that the Reverend Mr. MURRAY, of +Boston, claiming the whole Adirondack region by right of discovery, had +fenced it entirely in, and demanded entrance money of all visitors. + +This was bad, to be sure, but there was no help for it, and Mr. P. +bought his ticket and passed in. + +The Adirondack scenery is peculiar. In the first place, there are no +pavements or gravel walks. + +This is a grievous evil, and should be remedied by Mr. MURRAY as soon as +possible. The majority of the paths are laid out in the following +manner. + +The scenery, however, would be very fine if the bugs were transparent. + +The multitudes of insectivorous carnivora, which arose to greet Mr. P., +effectually prevented him from seeing anything more than a yard distant. + +But if this had been all, Mr. P. would not have uttered a word of +complaint. It was not all, by any means. + +These hungry creatures, these black-flies; midges; mosquitoes; yellow +bloodsuckers; poison-bills; corkscrew-stingers; hook-tailed hornets; and +all the rest of them settled down upon him until they covered him like a +suit of clothes. A warmer welcome was never extended to a traveller in a +strange land. + +In case his readers should not be familiar with the animal, the +accompanying drawing will give an admirable idea of the celebrated +black-fly of the Adirondacks, which, with the grizzly bear and the +rattlesnake, occupies the front rank among American ferocious animals. + +After travelling on foot for a day and a night; drenched by rain; +scorched by the sun; crippled by rocks and roots; frightened by +rattle-snakes and panthers; blistered and swollen by poisonous insects; +nearly starved; tired to death; and presenting the most pitiable +appearance in the world, Mr. P. reached the encampment of Mr. MURRAY, +proprietor and exhibitor of the Adirondacks. + +Knowing that there was quite a large company in the camp, Mr. P. was +almost ashamed to show himself in such a doleful plight, but he soon +found that there was no need for any scruples on that account, as they +were all as wretched looking as himself. + +Mr. MURRAY welcomed him cordially, and after building a "smudge" around +him to keep off the flies, he gave Mr. P. some Boston brown-bread and a +glass of pure water from a rill. + +This, with a sip from Mr. P.'s little flask, revived him considerably, +and after a night's rest on the lee side of a tree, where the rain did +not wet him nearly so much as if he had been on the other side, Mr. P. +felt himself equal to the task of enjoying the Adirondacks. + +That morning, Mr. MURRAY conducted a melancholy party of disconsolate +pleasure-seekers to a neighboring stream, where he instructed them to +fish for trout.. He told them they must revel in the delights of the +scene, and should tremble with the wild rapture of drawing from the +rushing waters the bounding trout. + +Mr. P. tried very hard to do this. He put his prettiest fly and his +sharpest hook on his longest line, and, for hours, gently whipped the +ripples. At last a speckled representative of the American National +Game-fish took compassion on the patient fisherman and entered into a +contest of skill with him. (A friendly match, and no bets on either +side.) The game lasted some time. The fish made some splendid +"fly-catches;" and Mr. P., slipping on a wet stone at the edge of the +brook, got in once on his base. On this occasion, the line and a +black-berry bush arranged a decided "foul" between them. At last, just +at the most interesting point of the game, the sudden sting of a +steel-bee caused Mr. P. to give a quick bawl, when the fish took a +home-run and came back no more. Time of game, 3h., 50m. + + Mr. P. 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0--1. + Trout 6 9 8 7 9 9 9 9 9--75. + +That afternoon Mr. MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, Shanty Brook, +Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little mountain gutters of +the kind than you could count on your fingers and toes. As an +aristocratic residence, this region is certainly superior to New York, +for the Murray Hills are as plenty as blackberries. The next day they +all went up Mount Marcy. When the ascent was completed, everybody lay +down and went to sleep. They were too tired to bother themselves about +the view. At length, after a good nap, Mr. MURRAY got up and wakened the +party, and they all came down. + +They came by the way of the "grand slide," but Mr. P. didn't like it. +His tailor, however, will no doubt think very highly of it. + +When all was quiet, that evening, on Dangle-worm Creek, near which +they were encamped, Mr. P. found the Reverend MURRAY sitting in the +smoke of his private smudge, enjoying his fragrant pipe. Seating himself +by the veteran pioneer, Mr. P. addressed him thus: + +"Tell me, Mr. MURRAY, in confidence, your opinion of the Adirondacks." + +"Sir," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have no objection to give a person of your +respectability and knowledge of the world my opinion of this region, but +I do not wish it made public." + +"Of course, sir!" said Mr. P. "A man of your station and antecedents +would not wish his private opinions to be made too public. You may rely +upon my discretion." + +"Well, then," said the reverend mountaineer, "I think the Adirondacks an +unmitigated humbug, and I wish I had never let the world know that there +was such a place." + +"Why then do you come here every season, sir?" + +"After all I have written and said about it," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have +to come to keep up appearances. Don't you see? But I hate these +mountains from the bottom of my heart. For every word I have written in +praise of the region I have a black-fly-bite on my legs. For every word +I have said in favor of it I have a scratch or a bruise in some other +part of my corpus. I wish that there was no such a season as +summer-time, or else no such a place as the Adirondacks." + +(Readers of this paper are requested to skip the above, as those are Mr. +MURRAY'S private opinions, and not the statements he makes in public, +and his desire to keep them dark should be respected.) + +It may be of interest to his patrons to know that Mr. P. arrived home +safely and with whole bones. + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: The editor of the Slunkville _Lyre_ says in his last +issue:-- + +"Notwithstanding the calumnies of Mr. SKINNER, our reputation is still +good, and we continue to pay our debts promptly." + +This is the fifth hoax he has perpetrated within two weeks. His line of +business at present seems to be the _canard_ line. + +I'll trust him out of sight if I can keep one eye on him. Not otherwise. + +For a light recreation, combining a little business, I recommend his +funeral. + +It is pleasant to reflect that men of his stamp are never born again. +They are born once too much as it is. + +He went to the Agricultural Fair last Fall. There was a big potato +there. After gazing spell-bound upon it for one hour, he rushed home and +set the following in type: + +"What is the difference between the Rev. ADAM CLARK, and the big potato +at the fair? One is a Commentator, and the other is an _Un_common +'tater." + +This conundrum was so exquisitely horrible, that his friends hoped he'd +have judgment enough to hang himself, but such things die hard. + +Colonel W-----'s Goat. Colonel W-----, is a great man in these parts +Like most village nabobs, he's a corpulent gentleman with a great show +of dignity, and in a white vest and gold-headed cane, looks eminently +respectable. He owns a hot-house, keeps a big dog that is very savage, +and his wife wears a silk dress at least three times a week,--either of +which will establish a man's reputation in a country town. + +Everything belonging to the Colonel is held in the utmost awe by the +villagers. The paper speaks of him as "our esteemed and talented +townsman, Col. W.," and alludes to his "beautiful and accomplished +wife," who, by the way, was formerly waiter in an oyster saloon, and won +the Colonel's affection by the artless manner in which she would shout: +"Two stews, plenty o' butter." + +Like others of his stamp, the Colonel amounts to something just where he +is, but take him anywhere else, he'd be a first-class, eighteen carat +fraud. + +Awhile ago, the Colonel bought a goat for his little boy to drive in +harness, and the animal often grazed at the foot of a cliff, near the +house. One day, a man wandering over this cliff fell and was instantly +killed, evidently having come in contact with the goat, for the animal's +neck was broken. + +But what amused me was the way the aforesaid editor spoke of the affair. +He wrote half a column on the "sad death of Col. W's. goat," but not a +word of the unfortunate dead man, till he wound up as follows: + +"We omitted to state that a dead man was picked up near the unfortunate +goat. It is supposed that this person, in wandering over the cliff, lost +his foothold and fell, striking the doomed animal in his progress. Thus, +through the carelessness of this obscure individual, was Col. W's. poor +little goat hurled into eternity." + +The Superintendent asked me last Sunday to take charge of a class. +"You'll find 'em rather a bad lot" said he. "They all went fishing last +Sunday but little JOHNNY RAND. _He_ is really a good boy, and I hope his +example may yet redeem the others. I wish you'd talk to 'em a little." + +I told him I would. + +They were rather a hard looking set. I don't think I ever witnessed a +more elegant assortment of black eyes in my life. Little JOHNNY RAND, +the good boy, was in his place, and I smiled on him approvingly. As soon +as the lessons were over, I said: + +"Boys, your Superintendent tells me you went fishing last Sunday. All +but little JOHNNY, here." + +"You didn't go, did you, JOHNNY?" I said. + +"No, sir." + +"That was right. Though this boy is the youngest among you," I +continued, "you will now learn from his lips words of good counsel, +which I hope you will profit by." + +I lifted him up on the seat beside me, and smoothed his auburn ringlets. + +"Now, JOHNNY, I want you to tell your teacher, and these wicked boys, +why you didn't go fishing with them last Sunday. Speak up loud, now. It +was because it was very wicked, and you had rather come to the Sunday +School. Wasn't it?" + +"No, sir, it was 'cos I couldn't find no worms for bait." + +Somehow or other these good boys always turn out humbugs. + + +It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic nature in an +article intended to be humorous, but the following displays such +infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of mind, that I +cannot forbear. Although it occurred when I was quite young, it is +firmly impressed on my memory: + +The autumn winds sighed drearily through the leafless trees, as the +solemn procession passed slowly into the quiet church-yard, and paused +before the open grave, where all that was mortal of LUCY C----- was to +be laid away forever, and when the white-haired old pastor, with +trembling voice, recounted her last moments, sobs broke out afresh, for +she was beloved by all. + +The bereaved husband stood a little apart, and, though no tear escaped +him, yet we all instinctively felt that his heart was wrung with agony, +and his burden greater than he could bear. With folded arms, and eyes +bent upon the coffin, he seemed buried in a deep and painful reverie. +None dared intrude upon a grief so sacred. At last, turning to his +brother, and pointing to the coffin, he said: + +"JOHN, don't you call that rather a neat looking box for four dollars?" + + * * * * * + +Financial. + +Our French editor thinks that the Imperial revenues ought to be doubled +at once, on the ground of the too evident Income-pittance of the +Emperor. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EXCURSION. + +_Fanny_. "ISN'T IT TOO BAD, FRANK; WE SHALL GET BACK TO TOWN LONG BEFORE +DARK." + +(_Fact is, Fanny has a thick shawl, and it would be so nice to share it +with Frank._)] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I see you have been at the White Sulphur Springs; but +you forgot to tell us what we were all dying to hear about the waters. +Several friends had suggested that I should go to some watering place +where I could get nothing else but water to drink, or to some spring +where I couldn't get "sprung." I tried the White Sulphur, and while +there learned some facts that may be useful to others who seek them for +a similar purpose. + +These springs differ from the European springs in that they were not +discovered by the Romans. The Latin conquerors never roamed so far, and +it was perhaps a good thing for them that they didn't, Sulphur water +could not have agreed with Romans any more than it agrees with Yankees +who take whiskey with it. I was asked if I would like to analyse the +water, (as everything here is done by analysis under the eye of the +resident physician.) _My_ analysis was done entirely under the nose. + +I raised a glass of the enchanted fluid to my lips: but my nose said +very positively, "Don't do it," and I didn't. I told my conductor I had +analyzed it, and he seemed not a little astonished at the rapidity and +simplicity of the method. He asked me if I would be kind enough to write +out a statement of the result after the manner of Dr. HAYES, Prof. +ROGERS, and others who have examined these waters and testified that +they would cure everything but hydrophobia. I told him I would, and +retiring to my room, wrote as follows: + +"Sulphur water contains mineral properties of a sulphuric character, +owing to the fact that the water runs over beds of sulphur. Nobody has +ever seen these beds, but they are supposed to constitute the cooler +portions of those dominions corresponding to the Christian location of +Purgatory. Sinners, preliminary to being plunged into the fiery furnace, +are laid out on these beds and wrapped in damp sheets by chambermaids +regularly attached to the establishment. This is meant to increase the +torture of their subsequent sufferings, and there can be no doubt that +it succeeds. Herein we have also an explanation of the reason of these +waters coming to the surface of the earth--it is to give patients and +other _miserables_ who drink them a foretaste of future horrors. Passing +from this branch of the subject to the analysis proper, I find that +fifty thousand grains of sulphur water divided, into one hundred parts, +contains, + + Bilge water, - - - - - - - - - - 95.75 + Sulphate of Bilgerius, - - - - - 1.855 + Chloride of Bilgeria, - - - - - - .285 + Carbonate de Bilgique, - - - - - - .750 + Silica Bilgica, - - - - - - - - - 1.955 + Hydro-sulp-Bil, - - - - - - - - - .28 + +Twenty thousand grains of the water would contain less of the above +element than fifty thousand grains, which ought to be mentioned as +another one of the remarkable peculiarities of this most remarkable +fluid." + +I sent the foregoing scientific deductions to the "Resident Physician," +and the bearer told me afterwards that the venerable Esculapian only +observed,--"Well, the writer of that must have been a most egregious +ass. There is no such thing as 'Sulphate of Bilgerius,' or 'Silica +Bilgica,' or anything like them", and then the old fellow chuckled to +himself over my supposed ignorance. I was willing he should. I'm +accustomed to being called an ass, and always like to be recognized by +my kindred. Chemically thine, + +SULPHURO. + + * * * * * + +COOL, IF NOT COMFORTABLE. + +Apropos of complications arising out of the late Navy Appropriation Law, +a daily paper states as follows: + +"The decision of the Attorney General now forces him to turn the balance +into the Treasury, and the sailors have to go unclothed." + +How this decision will affect recruiting for our navy yet remains to be +seen, though it is probable that but few civilized men can be found to +join a service in which nudity is obligatory. In such torrid weather as +we are having, JACK ashore with nothing on, except, perhaps, a Panama +hat, will be a novel and refreshing object--but how about the police? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAW VERSUS LAWLESSNESS. THE VIRTUOUS ALLIES OF THE NEW +YORK "SUN" ENGAGED IN THEIR CONGENIAL OCCUPATION OF THROWING DIRT.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON BASE BALL. + +A Match Game between Centenarians.--"Roomatix" vs. "Bloostockin's." + +The veterans of the war of 1812 of this place, organized a base ball +club. + +It was called the "Roomatix base ball club." + +A challinge was sent to the "Bloo stockin' base ball club," an old man's +club in an adjoinin' town. They met last week to play a match game. + +It required rather more macheenery than is usually allowed in this grate +nashunal game of chance. + +For instance: The pitchers haden't very good eye-site, and were just as +liable to pitch a ball to "2nd base," as to "Home base." + +To make a sure thing of it, a big long tin tube was made, on the +principle of the Noomatic tunnel under Broadway, New York. A large +thing, like a molasses funnel, was made, onto the end facin' the +pitcher. + +The old man ceased the ball and pitched it into the brod openin'. The +raceway was slantin' downwards, towords the "_Homebase._" The batter +stood at his post, with an ear trumpet at his ear, and a wash-bord in +his two hands holdin' onto the handles. + +When he heard the ball come rollin' down the tin, he would "muff" it +with his wash-bord. Then the excitement would begin. The "striker" would +start off and go feelin' about the "field" for the base, while the +"outs" got down onto their bands and knees and went huntin' for the +ball. + +Sometimes a "fielder," whose sense of feelin' wasen't very acute, got +hold of a cobble stun, then he would waddle, and grope his way about, to +find the base. But I tell you it was soothin' fun for the old men. + +After lookin' 20 minuts for a ball, then findin' the base before the +batter did, who just as like as not had strayed out into another lot, it +made the old fellers laff. + +Sometimes two players would run into each other and go tumblin' over +together. Then the "Umpire" would go and get them onto their pins agin, +and give 'em a fresh start. + +On each side of this interestin' match game, was two old men who went on +crutches. + +It was agreed, as these men coulden't run the bases, that a man be +blindfolded and wheel these aged cripples about the bases in a +wheel-barrer. + +The minnit these old chaps would "strike," they dropped their crutches, +and the umpire would dump them into the _vehicle,_ and away went mister +striker. + +A player was bein' wheeled this way once, and the "outs" was down onto +their marrow-bones tryin' to find the ball, when a splash! was heard. +The wheel-barrer man had run his cart into a goose pond, and made a +scatterin' among the geese. + +"Fowl!" cride the Umpire. + +The wheel-barrer man drew his lode ashore. + +"Out!" hollers the Umpire. + +And another victim went to the wash-bord. + +Bets were offered 2 to one, that "The Roomatixs" would _pass_ more +balls--on their hands and knees--than the "Bloostockin's." These bets +were freely taken--by obligin' stake-holders. + +A friend of the "Bloostockin's" jumped upon a pile of stuns and said: + +"15 to 10 'the Roomatix' have got more _blinds_ than the +'Bloostockin's.'" + +No takers--I guess he would have won his bet, for just at this juncture +a "Roomatix" was at the bat. + +The Umpire moved his head. + +The old man thought it was the ball, and he "muffed" the "Umpire's" head +with his wash-bord. + +The Umpire turned suddenly and wanted to know: "Who was firin' spit +balls at his back hair?" + +One "innins," the ball was rolled through, it struck the batter in the +rite eye. + +"Out on rite eye," cride the Umpire, and the batter was minus an eye. + +Next man to the bat. + +His eyes were gummy. He coulden't see the ball. + +He heard the ball rollin'. + +He raised his wash-board. + +His strength gave way. + +Down came the bat, and the handle of the wash-bord entered his eye. + +"Out! on the left eye," screams the Umpire. + +Old man No. 3 went to the wash-bord. + +The ball came tearin' along. + +It was a little too swift for the old man.--Rather too much "English" +into it. It "Kissed" and made a "scratch," strikin' the "Cushion" +between the old man's eyes. + +This gave him the "cue." Tryin' to make a "draw" with the wash bord, so +as to "Uker" the ball, and "checkmate" the other club, he was +"distansed," and his spectacles went flyin', smashin' the glass and +shuttin' off his eyesite. + +"Out! agin," bellers the Umpire. + +This was the first _Blind_ innin's for the "Roomatix." + +The "Bloostockin's" bein' told how this innin's stood, by addressin' +them through their ear-trumpets, made a faint effort to holler +"Whooray!" + +And, I am grieved to say it, one by-stander, who diden't understand the +grate nashunal game, wanted to know: + +"What in thunder them old dry bones was cryin' about" + +It was a crooel remark, altho' the old men, not bein' used to hollerin' +much, and not havin' any teeth, did make rather queer work tryin' to +holler. + +Ime sorry to say, the game wasen't finished. + +Refreshments were served at the end of this innin's, consistin' of +Slippery Elm tea and water gruel. + +The old men eat harty. + +This made them sleepy, and the consequence was, that the minnit they was +led out on the grass, "Sleep, barmy sleep," got the best of 'em, and +they laid down and slept like infants. + +Both nines were then loaded onto stone botes and drawn off of the field. + +The friends of both sides _drew_ their stake money, and the Umpire, +_drawin'_ a long breath, declared the match a _draw_ game. + +Basely Ewers, HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Bad Eggs. + + +The following suggestive item appears in an evening paper: + +"Illinois boasts of chickens hatched by the sun." + +Well, New York can beat Illinois at that game. The chickens hatched by +the _Sun_, here, are far too numerous for counting, and they are curses +of the kind that will assuredly "come home to roost." + + * * * * * + +Disagreeable, but True. + + +The restoration of the Bourbon dynasty is reckoned possible in France. + +In this country the Bourbon die-nasty has never been played out. It is a +malignant disease, sometimes known as _delirium tremens._ + + * * * * * + +Musical. + + +Mlle. Silly, the daily papers inform us, has been engaged for the Grand +Opera House in _opera bouffe_, and will make her _debut_ about the +middle of September. The lady should not be confounded with any of our +New York "girls of the period" who bear, (or ought to bear,) her name. + + * * * * * + +Caution to Readers. + + +Seven steady business men of this city, four solid capitalists of +Boston, eighteen Frenchmen residents of the United States, but doing +business nowhere, and a German butcher in the Bowery, have just been +added to sundry lunatic asylums, their intellects having become +hopelessly deranged from reading the conflicting telegrams about the war +in Europe. + + * * * * * + +A Parallel. + + +In one of the reports of the Coroner's investigation of the Twenty-third +street murder, it was mentioned that "Several ladies and some young +children occupied chairs within the railing." + +When REAL was hanged, it was noticeable that a great number of women +appeared in the morbid crowd that surrounded the Tombs, many of them +with small children in their arms. + +Fifth Avenue and Five Points! Six of one and half-a-dozen of the other! +Blood _will_ tell! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HAZARD OF THE HORSE-CARS. + +THIS IS STUBBS, (_an incorrigible old bachelor_,) WHO TAKES AN OPEN CAB, +FOR GREENWOOD, AND IS COMPELLED TO DO THE WHOLE DISTANCE SO. + +Illustration: AND THIS IS THE WAY IN WHICH DOBBS, WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN +DELIGHTED WITH STUBB'S LUCK, IS MADE TO SUFFER MARTYRDOM ON _his_ +LITTLE EXCURSION] + + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO V. + + "Let's go to bed," says Sleepy Head, + "Tarry awhile," says Slow; + "Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut, + "We'll sup before we go." + +These lines the observant student of nursery literature will perceive +are satirical. Was there ever a poet who was not satirical? How could he +be a genius and not be able to point out the folly he sees around him +and comment upon it. In this case, the poor poet,--who lived in a +roseate cloud-land of his own, not desiring such mundane things as sleep +and food, was undoubtedly troubled and plagued to death by having +brothers and sisters who were of the earth, earthy; and who never +neglected on opportunity to laugh at his poems; to squirt water on him +when in the heavenly mood, his eyes in frenzy rolling; to put spiders +down his back; to stick pins in his elbows when writing; or upset his +inkstand. + +Fine natures always have a deal to bear, in this world, from the coarse, +unfeeling natures that cannot appreciate their delicacy; and this one +had more than his share. + +Many a time has he been goaded to frenzy by the cruel sneers and jokes +of those who should have been proud of his talents; and rushed with +wild-eyed eagerness down to the gentle frog pond, intending there to +bury his sorrows beneath its glassy surface. He saw in imagination the +grief-stricken faces of those cruel ones as they gazed upon his cold +corpus, with his damp locks clinging to his noble brow, the green slimy +weeds clasped in his pale hands, and the mud oozing from his pockets and +the legs of his pants; and he gloried in the remorse and anguish they +would feel when they knew that the Poet of the family was gone forever. + +All this he pictured as he stood on the bank, and, while thinking, the +desire to plunge in grew smaller by degrees and beautifully less, till +at last it vanished entirely, and he concluded he had better go home, +finish his book first and drown himself afterwards, if necessary. It +would make much more stir in the world, and his name and works might +live forever. + +A happy thought strikes him as he slowly meanders homeward. He would +have revenge. He would punish these wretches by handing down--to +posterity their peculiarities. He would put it in verse and have it +printed in his book, and then they'd see that even the gentle worm could +turn and sting. + +Ah! blessed thought. He flies to his garret bedroom, seizes his +goose-quill and paper, and sits down. What shall he write about? He +nibbles the feather end of his pen, plunges the point into the ink, +looks at it intently to see if he has hooked up an idea, sees none, and +falls to nibbling again. Ah! now he has it. There is TOM, the +dunderhead, who is always sleepy and he will put that down about him. +Squaring his shoulders, he writes: + + "Let's go to bed," says Sleepy Head. + +Gleefully he rubs his hands. Won't that cut TOM. Ah! Ha! I guess TOM +won't say much more about staring at the moon. Now for DICK, the old +stupid. What shall he say about him? The end of the pen diminishes +slowly but surely, and then he writes: + + "Tarry awhile," says Slow. + +That will answer for DICK. Now let him give HARRY something scorching, +withering, and cutting--so that he'll never open his mouth again unless +it is to put something in it. Oh, that is it, he is always hungry--rub +him on that. He thinks intently. Determination shows in every line of +his face; the pen is almost gone only an inch remains, and then the Poet +masters his subject. He has got the last two lines. + + "Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut, + "We'll sup before we go." + +He throws down the stump of the pen and bounces up. His object in life +is accomplished; he is master of the situation, now, and holds the trump +card. See the quiet smile' and knowing look as he folds the paper up, +and thrusts it into his pocket. He is going down-stairs to read it to +the family. Now is the time for sweet revenge and for the overthrow of +those Philistines, his brothers. He descends slowly, like an avenging +angel, enters the room, and--gentle reader, imagine the rest. + + * * * * * + +Masculine or Feminine? + +It now seems that the new and terrible fagot-gun used in the French army +is to be spoken of in the feminine gender--_mitrailleuse_ instead of +_mitrailleur_, as hitherto spelt by correspondents. That a virago is +sometimes termed a "spit-fire" we all know, but that is hardly reason +enough to excuse the French for such a lapse of gallantry as calling a +thunderous and fatal implement of war by a soft feminine name. Let them +stick to _mitrailleur_. Yet we would not rashly throw the other word +away. _Mitrailleuse_ would be a capital acquisition to the English +language, and very handy for any man having a vixen of a wife, with no +nice pet name convenient with which to conciliate her. + + * * * * * + +A Ridiculous Rub-a-dub. + +A quiet gentleman who occupies lodgings immediately opposite one of the +city armories, writes to us asking whether the drum corps that practice +there two or three evenings in the week should not be supplied with +noiseless drums, as PUNCHINELLO has suggested regarding the street +organs. PUNCHINELLO thinks the suggestion a good one. He would like to +see the beating of drums after night-fall abolished altogether In fact, +it is the only kind of Dead Beat to which he would lend his countenance. + + * * * * * + +A Clear Case. + +Some wiseacre has been trying to demonstrate, through the public press, +that POE did not write "The Raven." + +The man must be a Raven lunatic. + + * * * * * + +THE BALLARD OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY, AGED TEN, AND HIS BAD BROTHER. + +An obituary notice of a boy, 10 years old, in _The Wilmington +Commercial_, contains the following statement: "In his dying moments he +charged his brother WILLIAM not to dance, or sing any more songs. +Funeral services preached by the Rev WM. R. TUBB." + + This pious Boy lay on his bed, + A dying very fast; + 'Most every word this good Boy said, + They thought 'twould be his last. + + The Reverend Mr. TUBB was there, + A praying very slow; + It was a solemn, sad affair; + Twas plain the Boy must go. + + His brother WILLIAM:, he come o'er, + To which this good Boy cried, + "Oh, BILL, don't sing nor dance no more!" + And following which he died. + + Now WILLIAM, he had learnt a song + That pleased him very much: + He didn't know that it was wrong + To carol any such. + + He said he couldn't leave it go, + Not if he was to die; + And that same song, as all should know, + Was called by him, "Shoo Fly." + + He was informed by Mr. TUBBS + That he would fall down dead, + Or else get killed by stones or clubs, + With that thing in his head. + + But, such is life! Poor WILLIAM went + And sung his Shoo Fly o'er: + Not knowing that he would be sent + Where Shoo Flies are no more, + + He was a singing, one wet day, + And likewise dancing too, + When lightning took his sole away-- + Let this warn me and you! + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE CENSUS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I have always been in favor of the Census, the system +is questionable, perhaps, though that depends on how you like it. I have +found that it answers very well where the parties are highly +intelligent-like myself, for example. + +I drew up the following proclamation to read to the U.S. official in my +district: + +_Q._ What is your name? _A_ SARSFIELD YOUNG. What is yours? + +_Q._ What is your age? _A._ A., being asked how old he was, replied: If +I live as long again, and half as long again, and two years and a +half,--how old shall I be? + +_Q._ Where is your residence? _A._ I live at home with the family, have +often thought that, amid pleasures and palaces, there is no place like +home, unless it be a boarding house with hot and cold water. + +_Q._ What is your occupation? _A._ Taxpayer. This takes my whole time + +_Q._ Where were you born? _A._ Having made no minute of it at the time, +it has passed out of my memory. + +_Q._ What kind of a house do you live in? _A._ A mortgaged house, +painted flesh color, a front exposure, brick windows and a brass +lightning rod. A good deal of back yard, (and back rent,) to it. + +_Q._ At what age did your grandfather die? _A._ If he died last night, +(I saw him yesterday at a horse race,) he was turning ninety-eight, +perhaps he got tipped over in the turn. + +_Q._ Do you hold any official position: if so, what? _A._ Inspector of +fish,--every Friday. + +_Q._ Are you insured? A. I am agent for half a dozen companies. So are +all my neighbors. My life is insured against fire for several thousands. + +_Q._ Are you troubled with chilblains? _A._ Quitely. I soak my feet in +oil of vitriol. + +_Q._ Were you in the war? _A._ I have the scar on my arm which I got in +the service. I was vaccinated severely, while clerk to a substitute +broker at Troy, N. Y. + +_Q._ Are you a graduate of any College. _A._ Yes, of one. I forget which +one. I only remember that I was one of the most remarkable men they ever +turned out. + +_Q._ Have you suffered from the potato rot? _A,_ Not myself. My uncle +had it bad. He found that whiskey and warm water was a very good thing. +I've made an independent discovery of the same fact, also. + +_Q._ Are you in favor of Free Trade or Protection? _A_. I can only say +that, if elected, gentlemen, I shall endeavor to do my whole duty. I am. + +_Q._ What do you think of deep plowing? _A._ In a scanty population, I +should say it has a bad effect. I can recommend it, however, in a sandy +soil, where school privileges are first-class. + +_Q._ Does anything else occur to you which it is important for the +Government to know? _A._ Yes: a hay fever occurs to me regularly once a +year. I have no policy to enforce against the will of the people: Still +I would call the attention of the medicine-loving public to my friend +Dr. EZRA CUTLER'S "Noon-day Bitters." For ringing in the ears, loss of +memory, bankruptcy, teething, and general debility, they are without a +rival. No family should live more than five minutes walk from a bottle. +They gild the morning of youth, cherish manhood, and comfort old age, +with the name blown on the bottle in plain letters. Beware of +impositions--at all respectable druggists. + +* * I believe in taking things easy, and I shall cheerfully assist the +Administration, when it calls at my door on Census business. + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +Facilis Descensus + +The daily papers frequently have articles respecting the "Hell Gate +Obstructions." We do not, however, remember having seen that subject +handled in the _Sun._ Perhaps it is that DANA and DYER, conscious of +their deserts, do not anticipate any obstructions in that quarter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARISTOCRACY IN THE KITCHEN. + +_Lady_, (responsively.) "THAT FASHIONABLY DRESSED WOMAN WHO HAS JUST +PASSED, DEAR? OH, THAT'S MY COOK, TAKING HER SUNDAY WITH THE GROCER'S +YOUNG MAN. SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES ME ON SUCH OCCASIONS."] + + * * * * * + +WHAT SHALL WE CALL IT? + +Having made up my mind to become a novelist, I naturally studied the +productions of my predecessors, and found out, I assure you, in a very +brief period of time, the little tricks of the trade. As I do not wish +to have the business flooded with neophytes, I refrain from informing +your readers how every man can become his own novel writer. One very +curious thing, however, which I discovered, I will here relate. + +I was very much puzzled by the curious titles which novelists selected +for their books, and very much annoyed by my inability to discover where +they picked them up. I persevered, however, and discovered that they +found them in the daily papers. In fact, I shrewdly suspect that I have +discovered, in these veracious sheets, the very incidents which +suggested the names of a number of volumes. Let me place before you the +extracts, which I have culled from the papers. + +_"Put Yourself in his Place."_--READE. + +"Yesterday morning an unknown man was found hanging from the limbs of a +tree in JONES' Wood. He was quite dead when discovered." + +_"Red as a Rose is She."_ + +"Bridget Flynn was arrested for vagrancy. When brought before the Court +she was quite drunk. She had evidently been a hard drinker for years, as +her face was of a brilliant carmine color." + +_"Man and Wife."_ COLLINS. + +"Married.--At Salt Lake City, on the 1st day of August, 1870, BRIGHAM +YOUNG, Esq., to Miss LETITIA BLACK, Mrs. SUSAN BROWN and Miss JENNIE +SMITH." + +_"What will he do with it?"_ BULWER. + +"It is stated by the police authorities, that the description of Mr. +NATHAN'S watch has been spread so widely, that the robber will be unable +to dispose of it to any jeweler or pawnbroker." + +_"Our Mutual Friend"_--DICKENS. + +"England is supplying both France and Prussia with horses." + +_"John."_--Mrs. OLIPHANT. + +"Mr. SAMPSON has sent to California for another cargo of Chinese +shoemakers." + +_"Friends in Council."_--HELPS. + +"Mr. Drew and Mr. Fisk were closeted together for more than an hour +yesterday." + +_"A Tale of Two Cities."_--DICKENS. + +"The census will show that our city has a population of at least +500,000."--_Chicago paper._ + +"St Louis has undoubtedly a population of 400,000."--_St. Louis paper._ + +"Chicago, 300,000; St. Louis, 190,000."--_Census returns._ + +_"Stern Necessity."_--F.W. ROBINSON. + +"It is stated that a well-known yacht failed to win the prize in the +late race, because her rudder slipped out of her fastenings and was +lost." + + * * * * * + +ITEMS FROM OUR RURAL REPORTERS. + +A German farmer, living not one hundred miles from Cincinnati, is +raising trichinated pork for the supply of the French army. + +The artist who drew the Newfoundland dog (out of the water,) at Newport, +R.I., has received a medal from the Royal Humane Society of England, on +condition that he will not Meddle with dogs any more. + +Near Ashland, in Virginia, a spring has been discovered that runs +chicken soup. So great was the commotion in culinary arrangements, when +the discovery was made public, that "the dish ran after the spoon." + +The curious crustacean known as the "fiddler crab" is unusually numerous +in the marshes of Long Island, this summer. It differs from impecunious +persons inasmuch as it is a burrowing, not a borrowing, creature. It +differs from ordinary fiddlers by two letters, in that it bores the +earth, but not the ear. + +It is an established fact that persona who sleep on mattresses stuffed +with pigeon's feathers never die. Near Salem, Mass., there is now a +woman nearly two hundred years old, who has been bed-ridden and confined +to a pigeon-feather bed for one hundred and fifty years. One of her +descendants a shrewd man-has discovered that the pigeon feathers are +growing musty, and proposes to replace them with the plumage of geese. + +There is a wild man at large in the woods of Sullivan County, N.Y. He +was once a fast man of New York City, and is so fast, still, that nobody +can catch him. + +A gentleman residing in the vicinity of Glen Cove had a Newfoundland dog +that was very expert at catching lobsters. The faithful animal has been +missing for some time, but a clue to its fate was yesterday obtained by +its owner, who found the brass collar of the dog inside a large lobster +with which he was about to construct a salad. + +An English nobleman has taken up his residence in the centre of the +Dismal Swamp, Va. Blighted affections are supposed to be the cause of +his trouble, as he always wears at the top buttonhole of his coat a +_chignon_ made of red hair. + + * * * * * + +"That's what's the Matter." + +Among the lectures announced for the coming season is Mrs. CECILIA +BURLEIGH'S "Woman's right to be a Woman." We quite agree with Mrs. +BURLEIGH'S remark. Woman _is_ right to be a woman, but the matter just +now is that woman wants to be a man. + + * * * * * + +Couplet from a Shaker Song. + + + O! Mr. President, you'll have to keep on pegging + At this English Mission, which seems to go a-begging. + Hi! yi! yi! etc. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Respectfully call the attention of their Customers and | + | Strangers to their attractive Stock | + | | + | OF | + | | + | SUMMER AND FALL | + | | + | DRESS SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | Striped, Checked and Chine | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard; | + | value $1.50 to $3 | + | | + | PLAIN FOULARD, | + | | + | $1.50, value $2 per yard. | + | 24 inch Black and White | + | Striped $1.75; value $2.50. | + | | + | STRIPED SATINS, | + | | + | $1.25; value $2. | + | | + | Plain and Striped Japanese, | + | | + | 75c. and $1 per yard. | + | | + | Rich White and Colored Dress Satins, | + | | + | Extra Quality. | + | | + | A CHOICE LINE OF | + | | + | PLAIN GRAINS, | + | | + | for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3; | + | value $3 to $3.50 per yard. | + | | + | A FEW EXTRA RICH | + | | + | SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN SILKS, | + | | + | Black and Colored, $2. | + | | + | JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH | + | | + | SILKS. | + | | + | GREAT BARGAINS. | + | | + | A COMPLETE STOCK | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | PLAIN AND STRIPED | + | | + | GAZE DE CHAMBREY, | + | | + | Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering several lots of | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPING GOODS | + | | + | MUCH BELOW | + | | + | COST OF IMPORTATION. | + | | + | 5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK | + | NAPKINS, from $1 to $3.50 per doz. | + | | + | DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from | + | $1.50 to $2.75 each. | + | | + | Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all | + | linen, from 40 to 75c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per | + | yard. | + | | + | PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard | + | | + | LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, | + | at $2.5O and upward. | + | | + | Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 | + | per doz. and upward. | + | | + | Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 | + | per yard and upward. | + | | + | Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard | + | pieces, $3.25 per piece. | + | | + | Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery | + | Diapers, various widths, at $1 per piece | + | below Current prices. | + | | + | MARSEILLES | + | | + | QUILTS AND BLANKETS, | + | | + | AT LOW PRICES. | + | | + | Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13x18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: CROCODILE TEARS.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared. | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION | + | | + | OR | + | | + | Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St. Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St, New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," | + | "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the | + | world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of | + | stamp. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | P.O. Box 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO | + | BY ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found at the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | + | Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau | + | St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Geo. W. Wheat & Co. Printers, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, +September 3, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 23 *** + +***** This file should be named 10017.txt or 10017.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10017/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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